Andrew Petty is Dying: Recent Episodes
Andrew Petty
It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day and neglect the things that matter most. On Andrew Petty is Dying, life and leadership coach, Andrew Petty, helps us live our best lives now and escape deathbed regrets by tapping into the most powerful motivator of all--our Mortality. Join Andrew every two weeks for insights that cut through the clutter and interviews with fascinating people to help you become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live.
I met Dr. Mike Barnes in 2018, when I served as executive coach for the leadership at the Foundry, the addiction treatment center here in Steamboat Springs, CO, where he served as Clinical Director. My respect and appreciation for Mike grew quickly in the course of that partnership, built especially upon Mike’s willingness to learn from anything and anyone–despite the long alphabet salad of credentials behind his name and his position of esteem in the addiction treatment, trauma, and family therapy community. Since then, our paths have continued to cross, and I’ve continued to benefit greatly from his friendship and mentorship.
This year, he published his first book, When the Solution Becomes the Problem: Helping Families Struggling with Addiction and Trauma. Unlike most books on families and addiction that give prescriptive advice, this book partners with families to help them understand why implementing expert recommendations can be so challenging. By delving into the “why,” families gain insights into their current crisis and the factors contributing to it. Ultimately, the book aims to guide families away from the perspective of “we are a family with a loved one who struggles with addiction” towards embracing the identity of “we are a family in recovery from addiction and trauma.” By fostering understanding, empathy, and actionable guidance, it empowers families to break free from the cycle of addiction and trauma, promoting healing and a renewed sense of togetherness.
It’s a pleasure to introduce you to Mike and provide a glimpse into an innovative and compassionate approach to helping families struggling with addiction and trauma.
Let’s Connect
If this episode helped you, I'd love to know. Find me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Mike
Email | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Website
Get Mike’s Book
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At the beginning of 2024, Chris Ray embarked on a new Adventure. We captured Chris' thoughts and expectations at the beginning of the Adventure in Ep. 096. This is the promised "after" episode, in which Chris and I explore how the Adventure impacted him.
Chris' story showcases the power of the Big 6 to create big results in our lives. The Big 6 are essential ingredients in the recipe for a life we're outrageously proud of: Courage, Humility, Truth-telling, Self-permission, Self-responsibility, and Self-knowledge. Tune in to Ep. 095, How to Become Someone You Feel Genuinely Good About, for a deep dive into the Big 6.
I hope this episode is useful to you! As always, thank you for your time, trust, and attention.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
How Did This Episode Land for You?
I'd love to know. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Chris
Email | Instagram | Facebook (public) | Facebook (private) | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 086 | The Best is Yet to Come: Rediscovering an Ancient Compass for a Life of Purpose and Adventure Today
- Ep. 090 | A Tale of Two Mountaineers: How Comfort Sabotages Our Contentment, and What To Do About It
- Ep. 092 | Crack the Contentment Code: Find the Path to Contentment
- Ep. 094 | Beyond Resolutions: A Heroic Path to Your Best Year Yet
New Here?
If you're new to this show, welcome! I invite you to browse the archive of past interviews with fascinating people and short, topical solo episodes--all designed to equip you with the mindset and the means to become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. We flip the script by inviting our ancient foe, Death, to become an unlikely ally in our heroic journey to leave it all out on the field of life. Mortality might just be the best motivator available--blasting us out of our ambivalence and complacency and toward the fullness of our potential. I’m so glad you tuned in today. Thank you for your time, trust, and attention. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
In this episode, I sit down with my pastor and friend, Chris Marsh, to dig into how a very recent and very close encounter with Mortality has impacted him and his family. Along the way, we explore:
- how to find solid ground in the face of crippling fear
- the necessity of appealing to the transcendent
- the gift of suffering
As always, thank you for your time, trust, and attention.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Let’s Connect
If this episode helped you, I'd love to know. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Chris: Email
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 011 | Embracing Mystery, When to Call It a Day, and What Matters Most: Lessons from an Astonishing Life-After-Death Story
- Ep. 018 | Life's 3 Big Questions: A Conversation with the Coroner
In a hurry? Like me, you might do well to tap into some wisdom from the farm.
On this episode, I offer a confession en route to extracting some wisdom from the farm that applies to all of us if we’re willing to hear it.
I also offer what I suspect is a much-needed clarification of what I mean by “get after it”--the phrase with which I close my standard episode sign-off. If you’re often in a hurry and “get after it” only makes it worse, be sure to stay tuned in to the end of this episode.
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Let’s Connect
Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- EP 095 | How to Become Someone You Feel Genuinely Good About
- EP 075 | Keep Going: The Underrated Secret to a Wonderful Life
How can we stay positive and free from fear when the news is overwhelmingly bad and fear-based?
I got this topic idea in the form of a question from a good friend and a former guest on this show, Frederic Tate. You can find him on Ep. 056 Ignore at Your Own Risk: How Your Relationship with Death Affects Your Quality of Life, with Dr. Frederic Tate. Frederic’s a fascinating guy with a fascinating story. I thoroughly enjoyed that interview, and I wholeheartedly recommend that episode.
Frederic's experience is that it is difficult to stay positive and free from fear when he perceives the news to be overwhelmingly bad and fear-based. Many of you can relate. It is a wild time to be alive on planet earth.
In this episode, I offer 5 specific ways to stay positive and free from fear when the news is overwhelmingly bad and fear-based:
- Practice solitude.
- Consume the news in small doses and pick your sources thoughtfully.
- Invest much more of your time, energy, and attention in things that are within your realm of influence than in things that aren’t.
- Nurture meaningful relationships and cultivate more as needed.
- Cultivate a relationship with the Transcendent.
I elaborate quite a bit on each of those five points, and point three has several supporting subpoints, so tune into the full episode for the full benefit–including a discussion of some of the particular perils and pitfalls to avoid that are uniquely associated with the globalized age we live in.
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you're not dead yet. So get after it!
Let’s Connect
Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
- Ep. 081 | How to Change the World: An Antidote to Apathy and Despair in an Age of Doom and Gloom
What is bravery, and why is it so important? What are some of the common counterfeits of bravery? How can we detect and eliminate them from our own lives? How can we get braver?
As an “arms dealer for the creative revolution," Todd Henry is the author of seven books and a veteran podcaster of 19 years who speaks internationally on creativity, productivity, and passion for work, and helps people and teams generate brilliant ideas.
Todd's new book, The Brave Habit, is a concise, persuasive, and timely treatise on bravery. In today's conversation, we explore bravery through the lens of The Brave Habit in pursuit of actionable insights for all of us. Todd also shares how an encounter with Mortality when he was 15 radically altered his perception of risk and what's most important.
I first invited Todd to be on the show in early 2020. The timing wasn't right for a variety of reasons, though, and then COVID hit and all bets were off for a while. I'm grateful four years later to be able to bring you Todd's wisdom and insights today.
In this episode, you will learn how to:
- Cultivate authentic bravery in your daily life to unlock more of your potential in service to others.
- Overcome fear by taking action and embrace the exhilarating freedom on the other side.
- Embrace the impact of mortality on life choices and discover the transformative power it holds.
Key moments in this episode include:
- 00:00:00 - The Deceptive Nature of Fear
- 00:00:54 - Importance of Bravery
- 00:02:04 - Cultivating the Brave Habit
- 00:04:43 - Todd Henry's Journey to Brave Habit
- 00:07:38 - The Definition of Bravery
- 00:13:40 - Starting Over with Daily Creative
- 00:14:44 - The Right Thing to Do
- 00:17:32 - Bravery as a Habit
- 00:18:53 - Close Encounter with Mortality
- 00:23:32 - Connecting with Todd Henry's Work
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Let’s Connect
Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Todd
Email | Website | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Twitter
Get your copy of The Brave Habit.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- Ep. 077 | The Big 6 (Part 1): Essential Ingredients in the Recipe for a Life You'll be Outrageously Proud of When You Die
This episode is different in a few notable ways. First, it’s extemporaneous. Second, I recorded it to video for release on my fledgling YouTube channel, where all of my past episodes currently reside. Finally, I share news about the future of the podcast–an ending to make way for a new beginning.
Key moments in this episode include: 00:00:01 - Embracing Change and New Beginnings 00:03:24 - Pursuing a Unified Framework 00:08:07 - Making Bold Choices 00:11:10 - Moving Forward with Conviction 00:13:48 - Seeking Audience Input
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Let’s Connect
Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
- Ep. 032 | Reimagining Productivity: A Path to Greater Freedom and Fulfillment
Do you ever feel powerless against your hurts, hang-ups, and habits?
Chris Ray's hurts, hang-ups, and habits literally killed him. Remarkably, his encounter with Mortality wasn't permanent, and Chris returned transformed. Chris is no longer powerless against his hurts, hang-ups, and habits because he has learned to look up and let go.
If we have ears to hear, we can learn the same lessons from Chris’ story without a harrowing ordeal of our own. If we have the courage to add Action to our Insights, we can experience transformation, too.
I met Chris through a mutual friend here in Steamboat. His warmth, openness, and lack of pretense were simultaneously a bit disarming and a refreshing change. Chris exudes his unique brand of warmth, openness, and lack of pretense, but I realize that it's a combination of qualities that I often encounter in those in the Recovery community. It occurs to me, too, that I belong to that community now, due to the alcohol-free Adventure I've embarked on in 2024. I certainly don't claim to embody those qualities yet like Chris does, but I hope to someday, and Chris is a wonderful role model in that respect.
Tune in to Ep. 094, Beyond Resolutions: A Heroic Path to Your Best Year Yet, to learn more about my recovery journey en route to considering how you can go beyond resolutions to your best year yet, too.
I would be remiss if I didn't publicly thank Chris for his part in encouraging me to accept this new Call to Adventure.
In this episode, discover how a brush with death led to an unexpected journey of adventure and self-discovery. Follow Chris' path from addiction to recovery and to a life-changing retreat in Costa Rica. Hear how looking up and letting go transformed his perspective on life, and find out why he decided to drop social media altogether. This is not just a travel story – it's a powerful lesson in embracing the unknown and finding peace through letting go. And the best part? Chris is not done yet. This is Part 1 of 2–before and after the Costa Rica Adventure. Tune in to find out what he's discovering about himself and how it could inspire your own journey.
Some Key Moments:
- 00:00:00 - Facing Mortality and Recovery Journey
- 00:03:20 - Transformative Recovery Journey
- 00:08:14 - Soboat's Growth and Impact
- 00:12:47 - Galvanizing Near-Death Experience
- 00:13:41 - Spiritual Awakening and Rebirth
- 00:14:14 - Surrendering to Something Greater
- 00:17:38 - Wrestling with Experience
- 00:19:31 - Appreciating Life After Encountering Death
- 00:23:02 - Dependence on a Higher Power
- 00:27:45 - Embracing Faith and Intuition
- 00:29:37 - The Search for Balance
- 00:32:28 - Redemptive Effects of Suffering
- 00:33:01 - The Call to Adventure
- 00:39:53 - Embracing the Present and Letting Go
- 00:42:25 - Gaining Perspective and Embracing Community
- 00:44:11 - Embracing Involuntary and Voluntary Adventures
- 00:45:32 - Post-Costa Rica Adventure
- 00:46:36 - Hero's Journey and Personal Growth
- 00:47:30 - Curiosity and Mundane Adventures
- 00:51:27 - Disconnecting and Embracing the Unknown
Do the Work, Just Don’t Try to Do It Alone Look up, let go, and live! Only you can do the work, but you can't do the work alone. None of us can. I always offer one free coaching session. Visit my website to schedule your free session.
Thank you for your time, attention, and trust. Don't forget to follow this show and share it with your friends. I'll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying--Lord willin' and the creek don't rise!
How Did This Episode Land for You?
I'd love to know. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Chris
Email | Instagram | Facebook (public) | Facebook (private) | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 086 | The Best is Yet to Come: Rediscovering an Ancient Compass for a Life of Purpose and Adventure Today
- Ep. 090 | A Tale of Two Mountaineers: How Comfort Sabotages Our Contentment, and What To Do About It
- Ep. 092 | Crack the Contentment Code: Find the Path to Contentment
- Ep. 094 | Beyond Resolutions: A Heroic Path to Your Best Year Yet
New to Andrew Petty is Dying?
Welcome! I invite you to browse the archive of past interviews with fascinating people and short, topical solo episodes--all designed to equip you with the mindset and the means to become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. We flip the script by inviting our ancient foe, Death, to become an unlikely ally in our heroic journey to leave it all out on the field of life. Turns out, Mortality might just be the best motivator available--blasting us out of our ambivalence and complacency and toward the fullness of our potential.
Who are you?
A big question, for sure, and not a slow pitch over the plate for most of us. But it’s a pitch that is critical for us to get good at hitting.
As of this recording, I’m just a couple days removed from the first Growth Camp of 2024, where we plumbed the time-proven depths of the Hero’s Journey framework to go beyond resolutions and discover a heroic path to our best year yet. Once again, the importance of who we are–that is, the quality of our character and our responses in life’s defining moments–rose to the surface and stayed there, demanding our attention, resisting our instinctive attempts to boil life down to a set of tips, tricks, hacks, and strategies; and calling us to become even better humans.
I’ve tackled the question of who we are before. In fact, in one way or another, every episode of this podcast is about who we are. I tackled this topic directly, though, in episodes 77 and 78, a two-part series devoted to what I call The Big 6–essential ingredients in the recipe for a life you’ll be outrageously proud of when you die.
In this episode, I pull the Big 6 from the proverbial back burner to the front burner to reheat them for all of us. The path illuminated for us by The Big 6 isn’t sexy, it’s not easy, and it’s paved with discomfort. But this path corresponds with Reality and leads to meaning, purpose, true significance, and becoming someone we feel genuinely good about. Arduous as it may be, I find that path preferable to one divorced from Reality that ultimately leads to meaninglessness, purposelessness, insignificance, and becoming someone I genuinely despise.
Tune in for the guts of the original two episodes on the Big 6 combined into one episode and reset in the context of key qualities that will lead us to feel genuinely good about who we are and lead a life of meaning, purpose, and significance.
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
I Have a Favor to Ask
I want this show to reach many more people. If it has been helpful to you, I invite you to share it with others for their benefit. It can be as simple as texting an episode that was meaningful to you to a friend. For extra credit, post an episode on social media.
This is where the marketing folks would probably say I should incentivize you with a freebie of some sort. But I’m going to appeal to a different part of you instead–the higher and even better part of you that finds joy and fulfillment in simply improving other people’s lives and knowing that their improvement ripples outward to the rest of the world.
Thank you!
I’m grateful for your trust, time, and attention. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
How can I Help? Let’s Connect.
I’d love to meet you and be of service. I offer one free coaching session. Schedule yours now.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 087 | The Question That Changes Everything (Reboot): The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 075 | Keep Going: The Underrated Secret to a Wonderful Life
Each new year presents the opportunity for a new adventure. Often we start out strong but fizzle in a month or two. Our fragile resolve sabotages even our most well-intended and heartfelt resolutions.
We need something stronger than our own resolve and more reliable than our resolutions.
As we kick off a new year, I invite you to go with me beyond resolutions to find a heroic path to your best year yet.
In this episode, you will:
- Learn about the Hero’s Journey.
- Be equipped to embark on a transformative journey through the Hero's journey framework.
- Discover a path to profound inner transformation.
- Discover the power of going beyond resolutions.
- Explore the path to personal growth and adventure.
Key moments in this episode include:
00:00:00 - New Year, New Adventure 00:01:41 - The Hero's Journey Framework 00:06:51 - Alcohol-free: My New Adventure in 2024 00:09:51 - Call to Adventure 00:13:53 - Embracing the Call to Adventure 00:16:03 - The Nature of the Adventure 00:17:31 - Enlisting Companions and Allies 00:21:28 - Invitation to Growth Camp 2024 | Beyond Resolutions: A Heroic Path to Your Best Year Yet
Go Beyond Resolutions & Find Your Heroic Path to Your Best Year Yet
Join me Saturday, January 20, 9am - 5pm, at the first Growth Camp of 2024, called Beyond Resolutions: A Heroic Path to Your Best Year Yet. You will tap into the timeless wisdom of the Hero’s Journey to acquire a trustworthy compass and the right resources for your best year yet.
In-person and virtual options are available, so don’t let a little thing like geography get in your way.
Go here for full details and registration.
This year, go beyond resolutions and embark on a new adventure. Don't just dream of change; unleash the hero within and make your dreams a reality.
Secure your spot at Growth Camp, and kick off your New Year with unprecedented clarity, courage, and purpose.
Let’s Connect
Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 086 | The Best is Yet to Come: Rediscovering an Ancient Compass for a Life of Purpose and Adventure Today
- Ep. 090 | A Tale of Two Mountaineers: How Comfort Sabotages Our Contentment, and What To Do About It
- Ep. 091 | My Hero's Journey: Lessons Learned on the Road to Growth Camp 2023
Are you tired of feeling stuck and overwhelmed in the face of life's challenges? Have you tried to push away pain and ignore its lessons, only to find yourself feeling even more lost and disconnected? It's time to break free from the ineffective pattern of avoiding pain and embrace it as a powerful teacher. By leaning into the discomfort and allowing ourselves to learn from our pain, we open the door to personal growth and resilience. It's time to rewrite your story and discover the transformative power of embracing pain as a teacher.
In this episode, you will:
- Discover how Audrey Dwyer's personal journey can inspire resilience and personal growth.
- Learn the transformative power of embracing pain as a teacher for personal development.
- Explore the journey of overcoming addiction and trauma and finding hope for the future.
- Uncover secrets to finding purpose and making a meaningful difference in your life and the lives of others.
- Tap into the transformative power of vulnerability and its impact on personal growth and resilience.
My special guest is Audrey Dwyer
Audrey has faced and overcome numerous challenges in her life. From addiction to a life-changing heart surgery, her story is a testament to the power of embracing pain as a teacher. Audrey has gained valuable insights into the transformative nature of pain and the potential it holds for personal growth and resilience, and they’re available to all of us in today’s conversation.
Audrey's story serves as a reminder that even in our darkest moments, there is always the opportunity for redemption and growth. You’ll be inspired and empowered to face life's challenges with courage and resilience so you can secure the treasures available to you on the other side.
Key moments in this episode include: 00:01:01 - Audrey's Story Begins 00:05:17 - Hospitalization and Heart Surgery 00:08:02 - Recovery and Reflection 00:09:46 - Current Journey and Recovery 00:12:54 - Coping Mechanisms and Family Dynamics 00:14:18 - Lack of Communication and Emotional Expression 00:15:27 - The Importance of Talking About Loss 00:18:15 - The Impact of Avoidance and Regret 00:19:09 - Embracing Life and Taking Control 00:25:26 - The Importance of Commitment 00:26:39 - The Challenges of Commitment 00:29:47 - The Journey to Self-Commitment 00:31:30 - Overcoming Chaos and Finding Clarity 00:33:43 - Love Your Scars and Embracing Challenges 00:39:00 - Finding Healing and Acceptance 00:40:39 - Overcoming the Lowest Low 00:41:53 - Embracing the Beginner's Mindset 00:43:52 - Love Your Scars Movement 00:48:12 - Embracing the Messy Middle 00:52:37 - Moving Towards the What 00:53:33 - Author of Your Own Story 00:54:04 - Courage in Vulnerability 00:55:14 - Connecting with Audrey
00:56:14 - Embracing Mortality
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you're not dead yet. So get after it!
Until We Meet Again–Lord Willin’ and the Creek Don’t Rise!
This is the final episode of 2023. I look forward to resuming the Adventure of tapping into the power of our Mortality in 2024. Until then, I wish you and yours a very happy holiday season. Revel in the moment. Seize the day. Keep in mind what matters most. Summon the courage to say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, and live like there's no tomorrow.
For those of you who missed Growth Camp 2023, stay tuned for details about the first Growth Camp of 2024, coming in January. It's a perfect way to kickstart your year and put yourself on a path of unprecedented Purpose and Adventure.
Thank you once again for your time, trust, and attention, today and throughout 2023. It's a privilege and a pleasure to be invited into your lives and hearts and minds as, together, we pursue deeper understanding about how to conduct ourselves in the world to get the best results with our lives.
I'm so glad you tuned in today. Don't forget to follow this show and share it with your friends, and I'll see you next year on Andrew Petty is Dying--Lord willin' and the creek don't rise!
Let’s Connect
Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Audrey
Email | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
- Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
- Ep. 077 | The Big 6 (Part 1): Essential Ingredients in the Recipe for a Life You'll be Outrageously Proud of When You Die
- Ep. 078 | The Big 6 (Part 2): Essential Ingredients in the Recipe for a Life You'll be Outrageously Proud of When You Die
- Ep. 086 | The Best is Yet to Come: Rediscovering an Ancient Compass for a Life of Purpose and Adventure Today
- Ep. 090 | A Tale of Two Mountaineers: How Comfort Sabotages Our Contentment, and What To Do About It
If you're feeling trapped in a cycle of constant striving and never reaching true contentment, you’re not alone. Maybe you've been chasing external achievements, thinking they will bring you lasting fulfillment, only to find that they leave you empty inside. Perhaps you've been seeking validation from others, hoping that their approval will bring you a sense of worth, only to discover that it's fleeting and insubstantial. Or maybe you've been relentlessly pursuing material possessions, believing they will bring you happiness, only to realize that they only provide temporary satisfaction.
But there is another way to find contentment, one that involves cultivating a deep sense of purpose and inner peace that transcends external circumstances.
In this episode, you will:
- Discover the key to finding contentment and unlock a fulfilling life.
- Embrace personal growth and purpose to create a meaningful and satisfying journey.
- Cultivate positivity and practice possession to experience true happiness and fulfillment.
- Address discontentment head-on and learn how to navigate life's challenges with resilience and grace.
- Explore the power of embracing mortality and gain a new perspective on what truly matters in life.
It's a pleasure to welcome my wife, Charis, back as my special guest to help us crack the contentment code.
Through personal anecdotes and practical strategies, Charis and I will help you uncover the main reasons contentment eludes us and provide actionable steps to crack the contentment code.
The key moments in this episode are: 00:00:00 - The Importance of Contentment 00:02:31 - Defining Contentment 00:03:47 - Contentment Can't Be Found by Looking for It 00:10:57 - The Role of Gratitude in Contentment 00:13:51 - The Paradox of Finding Contentment 00:14:39 - Persevering to Find Contentment 00:15:42 - The Recipe for Contentment 00:16:41 - Embracing Scars and Wounds 00:18:06 - The Big Questions in Life 00:27:35 - Overcoming Fear and Finding Confidence 00:30:10 - Different Learning Styles and Paths 00:32:16 - Valuing Differences and Building Confidence 00:35:01 - Owning and Integrating Our Stories 00:37:13 - Practicing Presence and Possession 00:43:21 - Contentment Beyond Circumstances 00:44:29 - Cultivating Positivity 00:46:36 - Embracing Action and Forward Movement 00:55:15 - Finding the Source of Discontentment 00:56:02 - Consequences of Ignoring Discontentment 00:57:00 - Embracing Mortality 00:58:15 - Taking Tangible Action 01:00:04 - Cracking the Code to the Contentment Conundrum
I Can Help
With Mortality as our motivator, this podcast exists to help you cultivate the mindset and the means to live the life you were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. That’s my purpose as a coach, too. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me. Go Here to learn about Graveyard Group masterminds--where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 018 | Life's 3 Big Questions: A Conversation with the Coroner
- Ep. 035 | Build Your Personal Owner’s Manual: Understand Yourself Better, Enjoy Yourself More, and Live the Life You were Made to Live
- Ep. 086 | The Best is Yet to Come: Rediscovering an Ancient Compass for a Life of Purpose and Adventure Today
The road to Growth Camp 2023--an event built around the Hero's Journey--was a Hero's Journey of its own. In this episode, I invite you along on that Journey and share some of the key lessons I learned from it. I hope my story equips and encourages you to embark on your own Hero’s Journey or persevere in the one you’re already on.
In this episode:
- Discover the transformative power of the Hero's journey framework to guide your personal growth and overcome obstacles.
- Learn the art of perseverance and unlock the key to conquering challenges on your path to success.
- Uncover the importance of companions and allies in your journey, and how their support can propel you forward.
- Explore the power of letting go and embracing change, and how it can lead to personal growth and new opportunities.
- Trust in the journey and learn to have faith, even in the face of uncertainty, as you navigate your own heroic path.
Key moments in this episode include:
- 00:00:00 - Introduction & Overview of the Hero's Journey
- 00:03:10 - The Importance of the Return Phase
- 00:04:24 - Reconnecting with an old friend
- 00:08:14 - My Call to Adventure
- 00:09:32 - Learning Curve and Allies
- 00:14:30 - The Journey Begins
- 00:16:44 - Letting Go
- 00:18:34 - The Dream Lives On
- 00:21:12 - Unexpected Help
- 00:24:50 - Miracles and Encouragement
- 00:28:29 - Marveling at the Journey
- 00:29:05 - Practical Lesson: Start Earlier
- 00:29:33 - Holding on to Dreams
- 00:30:02 - Lean on Companions and Allies
- 00:30:52 - The Importance of the Return
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 086 | The Best is Yet to Come: Rediscovering an Ancient Compass for a Life of Purpose and Adventure Today
- Ep. 088 | Becoming the Hero in Your Own Story: Overcoming Resistance and Fear on the Journey, with Vince Coleman
- Ep. 089 | Unleashing Your Potential: Chris Slota's Journey to a Purposeful Life (Reboot)
Do you desire genuine fulfillment and contentment? Are you searching for a way to achieve true satisfaction and inner peace? In this episode, I'll reveal an antidote to discontentment. By embracing the hero's journey, you can unlock the path towards lasting contentment, breaking free from the sabotaging clutches of comfort and convenience. It's simple in principle, but far from easy in reality. Perhaps that's why so many of us avoid it. But don't let that be you. Wide (and easy!) is the way that leads to discontentment, and many find it. Narrow (and hard!) is the way that leads to contentment and becoming someone you genuinely feel good about. Take the narrow way!
In this episode, you will learn how to:
- Discover the transformative power of embracing the hero's journey to find true fulfillment and purpose in life.
- Uncover the surprising truth about mistaking comfort for fulfillment and learn how to break free from the cycle to find lasting contentment.
- Explore the importance of pursuing goals and personal growth, and learn strategies to overcome obstacles and achieve your dreams.
- Understand how hardships is the way to profound personal transformation, and gain insights on how to navigate challenges with resilience and grace.
- Embrace living with urgency and learn how to pursue your dreams with passion and determination, creating a life filled with meaning and satisfaction.
Key moments in this episode include:
- 00:00:01 - The Reasons for Discontentment
- 00:02:10 - Steve's Decision
- 00:05:04 - Laura's Triumph
- 00:07:02 - Base Camp vs. the Summit
- 00:08:33 - Becoming the Hero of Your Own Story
Your Companion for the Journey This episode draws upon the truths embedded in the Hero’s Journey, an ancient pathway for a life of purpose and adventure. To learn more about the Hero’s Journey, tune in to Ep. 086, The Best is Yet to Come, where my guest, Jon Ritner, and I introduce you to the Hero’s Journey through the lenses of our own stories.
I’m here to help you summon the clarity and courage to embark on the Hero’s Journey that’s calling to you and stay the course. Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- Ep. 089 | Unleashing Your Potential: Chris Slota's Journey to a Purposeful Life
Have you been told that the key to building a fulfilling and meaningful life is to simply follow the conventional path and do what society expects of you? Here's the hard truth: By blindly following this path, you may be feeling stuck, unfulfilled, and lacking a sense of purpose. It's time to break free from these limiting beliefs and discover your true passions, unlocking the potential for personal growth and transformation.
Meet Chris Slota
Chris Slota embodies the essence of personal growth and transformation. With a background in the corporate world, Chris found himself at a crossroads, feeling unfulfilled and yearning for something more. Through his journey of self-discovery, he made the courageous decision to explore his true passions and create an even more purposeful life. Chris's story is a testament to the power of answering the question, "What do you want?" and the incredible impact it can have on our overall well-being and fulfillment. Join Andrew Petty and Chris as they delve into the stages of the Hero's Journey and discuss the practical wisdom that Chris gained along the way. Get ready to be inspired by Chris's remarkable personal transformation and learn valuable insights for building a fulfilling and meaningful life.
You are in control of your own life. If you want to wallow in sorrow, you are welcome to do so. It's a free country, but you're probably not going to get anywhere if you do it. - Chris Slota
In this episode, you will learn how to:
- Unleash your potential for personal growth and transformation and unlock a life filled with endless possibilities.
- Take ownership of your life by understanding the importance of taking responsibility for your actions and choices.
- Embrace change with open arms and shed old ways that no longer serve you, paving the way for personal growth and transformation.
- Discover some of the keys to fulfillment and meaning in life, leading to a sense of purpose and joy in everything you do.
Take Responsibility for Your Own Happiness and Success Taking responsibility for your happiness and success is crucial in the quest for self-improvement. Instead of blaming circumstances or other people, acknowledge and embrace your power to shape your life. Active participation in your life pushes you towards achieving your aspirations, resonating with Chris Slota's story of personal transformation, pursuit of passions, and overall happiness.
Next Steps
- Join Growth Camp 2023 on October 14th to equip yourself with the tools to build a life of even more purpose and Adventure. Explore the Hero's Journey framework for living a good life with a capital G. Learn how to live a life of adventure and make unique contributions in the world.
- Reflect on the question "What do you want?" and take the time to answer it. Don't just focus on what you don't want, but truly explore your desires and aspirations. Consider the potential consequences of failing to answer this question.
- Consider joining a Graveyard Group to help navigate personal transformations and find clarity in life. Surround yourself with like-minded individuals who can support and guide you on your journey.
- Embrace the power of your Mortality and use it as a focal point to envision the life you want to live.
Timestamped Summary of this Episode
00:01:09 - The Hero's Journey Andrew discusses the Hero's Journey framework as a template for living a purposeful life and making unique contributions in the world. He mentions that Growth Camp will leverage this framework to help listeners become the hero in their own story. 00:03:14 - Chris Slota's Story Andrew introduces Chris Slota and explains that Chris experienced a remarkable personal transformation by figuring out what he wants in life. He highlights the importance of answering the question, "What do you want?" and how it can lead to purpose and fulfillment. 00:05:17 - Challenging Times Chris describes his dissatisfaction with his corporate banking job, the stress of the global pandemic, and his struggle to figure out what he wanted in life. He shares how he felt detached from relationships and was generally unhappy during this time. 00:08:04 - Transformation Chris talks about his current state where he runs his own business, even though he is financially struggling. He wakes up with a smile on his face because he believes in what he's doing and feels fulfilled. He mentions the gratification of solving puzzles and helping people in a way that aligns with his values. 00:14:12 - Taking Responsibility for Change Chris reflects on the necessary change in his life and taking responsibility for himself. He discusses the positive impact it has had on his relationships and how he now focuses on building others up instead of complaining about things he can't control. 00:15:45 - Positive Influence on Others Chris shares how his attitude shift has positively affected those around him, particularly his wife. He emphasizes the importance of being a positive influence and building others up instead of complaining. 00:16:26 - Relationship Dynamics and Change Andrew discusses how when one partner in a relationship makes changes, it forces the other to deal with it and decide what it means for them. 00:18:07 - Starting a Business in Cryptocurrency Chris explains how his interest in cryptocurrency led him to start a business in the industry. He shares the challenges and uncertainties they faced in building a business that didn't exist before and how they had to figure out pricing and services. 00:22:25 - Growth and Opportunities Chris talks about the growth of their cryptocurrency advisory business and the opportunities that have come from it. He discusses the importance of customer feedback and being able to apply it directly to their business. He also mentions new ventures they're exploring, such as smart contracts and tax credit projects. 00:28:05 - Delayed Gratification and Creating a Better Reality Chris discusses the concept of delayed gratification and making sacrifices today for a better future. They mention Jordan Peterson's teachings on finding meaning and satisfaction in life through responsibility and hard work. Despite the stress, Chris wouldn't trade their current situation for their past, as they are moving towards something important to them. 00:29:11 - Enjoying the Journey and Smelling the Roses Successful business owners advise Chris to enjoy the journey and not just focus on the end goal. Chris reflects on their own experience, appreciating the growth they have achieved and the feedback they receive. They emphasize the importance of stopping to appreciate progress and finding excitement in the daily adventures. 00:30:43 - Loss vs. Gain in the Face of Challenges Andrew asks Chris how they would feel if everything they were working towards fell apart. Chris responds that even in that worst-case scenario, it would still be a gain because the awakening they had was not about the specific business but about recognizing their true desires and values. They learned to challenge traditional expectations and embrace the unknown. 00:32:25 - Moving Forward Without Knowing All the Hows Chris and Andrew discuss the importance of not getting stuck on knowing all the details and how to achieve a goal. Instead, they emphasize the importance of having a clear why and a clear what and starting to take action. Along the way, the actual questions that need to be answered and problems that need to be solved present themselves and are opportunities for growth and learning. Chris shares examples of challenges they faced. 00:41:33 - Metamorphosis and Personal Growth Chris describes his intense period of metamorphosis and personal growth, comparing it to a snake shedding its skin. He emphasizes that personal growth is not a one-time event but a continuous process of change, adaptation, and growth. He also highlights the importance of mindset and tools in enabling personal transformation. 00:42:49 - Recognizing Personal Growth Andrew acknowledges the positive changes he sees in Chris as a result of his personal growth journey. He mentions how others have also noticed Chris's transformation and how this growth is transferable and applicable to every aspect of life. 00:43:58 - Strength and Fortitude Despite not having achieved his desired financial goals yet, Andrew commends Chris for his personal growth and resilience. He believes Chris is now in a stronger position in life compared to two years ago, highlighting the importance of personal development beyond material success. 00:45:01 - Perceived Energy Shift Chris shares how others have noticed a positive change in his energy and demeanor. He believes in the power of energies and vibrations and finds it gratifying that people can perceive his personal growth, even if they are not aware of the specific changes he has undergone. What adventure is calling to you? How has Chris’ story encouraged and empowered you to accept the call? What’s just one thing, no matter how small, that you are willing and able to do to respond to the call?
Not Sure Where to Start? Start Here!
Spots are still available at Growth Camp 2023 | The Best is Yet to Come this Saturday, October 14, at the Steamboat Social Club here in Steamboat Springs, CO, where you’ll be equipped and empowered to embark on your own Adventure. To remove as many obstacles as possible to participating, I’ve overhauled the pricing. Now, you can have the whole one-day experience, valued at almost $700 for only $50. Or, you can name your own price, according to your perception of the event’s value and your financial means.
Visit https://andrewpettycoaching.regfox.com/growthcamp2023 for complete details and to register.
Maybe Growth Camp is your first step? If it’s calling to you, why not respond to the call?
Thank you once again for your time and attention. I'm so glad you tuned in today. Don't forget to follow this show and share it with your friends, and I'll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying!
Let’s Connect
If this episode helped you, I'd love to know. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Chris
Email | Instagram | Twitter | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 086 | The Best is Yet to Come: Rediscovering an Ancient Compass for a Life of Purpose and Adventure Today
- Ep. 088 | Becoming the Hero in Your Own Story: Overcoming Resistance and Fear on the Journey, with Vince Coleman
- Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
- Ep. 021 | Sometimes, the Grass IS Greener: How a Familiar Bit of Conventional Wisdom Could be Holding You Back from the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
If you're experiencing overwhelming frustration and disappointment because despite your efforts to find fulfillment in your current career, you still feel empty and unfulfilled, then you are not alone! If you're constantly taking on new projects and responsibilities, hoping they will bring you joy and purpose, only to find yourself in the same state of dissatisfaction, then you are not alone! If you're caught in a cycle of fear and resistance, unable to take the leap into a new adventure that excites you, because the fear of the unknown is paralyzing, then you are not alone! If you're longing for something more, something that aligns with your passions and values, but you're held back by the fear of failure and the opinions of others, then you are not alone!
Meet my special guest, Steamboat Local Vince Coleman
Meet Vince Coleman, a Steamboat local and a living testament to the transformation that can come from accepting a call to adventure. From the daily grind in restaurant kitchens to the creative world of leatherworking, Vince has turned his passion into a promising career. As both an entrepreneur and small business owner, Vince is known not just for crafting unique leather products at Coleman's Haberdashery, but for his inspiring journey towards finding fulfillment beyond the culinary world. His story is an energizing journey of self-discovery and innovation and an example to us all.
I was just getting burned out, tired, exhausted, frustrated, you know, kind of all of the above.
- Vince Coleman
In this episode, you will:
- Uncover tactics for mastering fears and resistance when taking the leap into a new adventure.
- Realize the vital role of exploring oneself and engaging in rewarding hobbies for personal growth.
- Grasp the remarkable power of having companions and allies as you pursue your next adventure.
- Witness the transformation brought about by embracing change and following one's passion.
Overcoming fears and resistance is a recurring theme in Vince's journey. Undertaking a career transition inherently breeds uncertainty and apprehension, yet Vince was able to navigate these hurdles with encouragement from his supportive network. His story serves as a reminder that while fear and resistance are natural responses to change, they can be overcome with determination, support, and a clear vision.
Become the Hero in Your Own Story
Hero's Journeys come in all shapes and sizes--from a major vocational transition like Vince's to summoning the courage to have a hard conversation to leaving the house for the first time in a while. We see them as we look at the whole span of our lifetime, and we can see them in the span of just one day. The pattern is everywhere and at every level of resolution in our lives.
What if instead of simply being an observer of that pattern in our lives retrospectively, though, we could voluntarily activate it to live with even more purpose and adventure?
That's exactly what Growth Camp 2023: The Best is Yet to Come will equip you to do. On Saturday, October 14, from 9:30am - 8:30pm, join me, Jon Ritner, and your fellow heroes for Growth Camp 2023, a one-day in-person intensive that combines the inspiration of a great Ted Talk with the relational richness of a long lingering meal and tops it off with the insights and action steps acquired from personal coaching. Whatever adventure calls to you, you will become learn how to become the Hero in your own story and be empowered to move forward with guts, gusto, and abandon. Wherever you are on your journey, whatever your age or stage, this is the right time to declare that the best is yet to come!
Go Here for details and to register.
If this opportunity is tugging at you, do something about it and reserve your spot today. One day really could change your life.
Remember, you are going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Thank you once again for your time and attention. I'm so glad you tuned in today. Don't forget to follow this show and share it with your friends, and I'll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying!
Timestamped summary of this episode:
00:00:00 - Introduction
Andrew Petty introduces the podcast episode and the concept of the Hero's Journey, a framework for a life of purpose and adventure.
00:01:24 - The Best is Yet to Come
Andrew announces an upcoming event called "The Best is Yet to Come," where participants can gain a deep understanding of the Hero's Journey and find clarity about their own unique adventure.
00:02:38 - Vince's Story
Andrew introduces Vince Coleman and discusses his transition from the culinary world to owning his own business. Vince shares the early hints that a new adventure was calling to him.
00:07:34 - Resistance to Change
Vince talks about the resistance he faced when transitioning from the culinary industry to starting his own business. He shares the challenges of uncertainty and financial investment, as well as the fear of fully committing to the new adventure.
00:12:14 - Overcoming Uncertainty
Vince discusses how he navigated the transition from working in the restaurant industry to fully committing to his leather business. He shares his decision to work part-time at a restaurant while growing his business and funding it from his savings account.
00:14:45 - Embracing Uncertainty and Transition
Andrew and Vince discuss the importance of accepting uncertainty in life and embracing the call to adventure. The guest's wife and close friends played a significant role in supporting his transition from the culinary industry to the leather business. Financial considerations also played a major role in his decision to pursue his new career path.
00:17:21 - Making a Viable Business
Vince shares how he realized the potential of his leather business when it started making more money than his previous job. This financial success gave him the confidence to fully commit to his new venture and focus on growing it into a sustainable career.
00:20:01 - Challenges and Growth
Vince reflects on the challenges he faced during the early years of his leather business, including burnout and exhaustion. He eventually found a balance between aggressive growth and manageable workload, allowing him to prioritize his well-being and personal life.
00:22:58 - Balancing Success and Self-Management
Vince discusses the importance of self-management and maintaining a balance between running the business and being consumed by its success. He highlights the ongoing process of reassessing priorities and finding the right work-life balance as the business continues to grow.
00:25:43 - Shaping Life with Intention
Vince shares how his adventure into entrepreneurship has changed his outlook on life. He now has the freedom to shape his business and personal life in a way that allows him to pursue his passions and prioritize experiences like travel.
00:29:04 - The Value of Money and Experience
Money adds comfort, but life is about experiences and relationships. Money can make things easier but also more challenging. Comfort can lead to complacency and loss of connection with our stories and sense of adventure.
00:30:22 - Embracing the Call to Adventure
We are designed to experience life, explore, create, and have adventures. The hero's journey resonates within us because it reflects our true calling. We were made to be pioneers and not settle into comfort and complacency.
00:31:29 - The Impact of Accepting the Call to Adventure
Accepting the call to adventure can lead to significant personal and professional changes. Vince's marriage, mindset, and contribution to the world have all been positively transformed because he chose to embrace the unknown.
00:33:35 - Alternative Reality and the Importance of Pursuing Dreams
Imagining a life where Vince didn't accept the call to adventure feels depressing and unfulfilling. Pursuing dreams and passions, following desires, and living life with intent are crucial for personal fulfillment and growth.
00:39:12 - Vince's Journey as an Example
Vince's entrepreneurial journey serves as a real-life example of the Hero's Journey. It highlights the importance of embracing uncertainty, overcoming challenges, and transforming oneself. Each person's Hero's Journey will look different, but the essence remains the same.
Let’s Connect
How did this episode help you? I'd love to know. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Vince
Email | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 055 | What Do You Want: A Path to Purpose and Fulfillment, with Chris Slota
- Ep. 029 | Dragon Slayer: One Man's Tale of Heroic Life Renovation
Today’s episode is a reboot from the archive with a few upgrades. I decided to bring this one back after a recent experience as a vendor at the local Farmer’s Market. I wasn’t your typical vendor–a life coach amidst vegetable stands and woodworkers and handmade soap purveyors. And my offer wasn’t typical either: Answer one question to be entered in a raffle for a hundred dollar gift card. The question I posed to visitors to my booth was one that I also posed on this podcast a couple years ago, in episode 16. The conversations and insights that the question generated at the farmer’s market were so high-quality that it inspired me to bring it back to the front burner for all of us today.
Embrace the urgency of your mortality and unleash your true potential by challenging yourself with one question: If I only had five years to live, what would I start doing differently today?
In this episode:
- Delve into the transformative impact of using mortality as a compass for living a life you’ll be outrageously proud of when you die.
- Discover the value of imposing an artificial five-year expiration date on your life to clarify what matters most and make big changes.
- Reflect upon what you would change if granted a limited time.
- Begin steering your own course with purpose and courage, transforming discomfort into a catalyst for growth and adventure.
The power of a five-year timeline comes from the clarity it provides in defining what’s truly important in our lives. Imagining life with an explicit deadline compels us to take more risks, make bolder decisions, and pursue our desires and ambitions. A five-year timeline challenges the complacency of postponing dreams and aspirations. With five years to live, you can't just have an extended farewell tour! You still have to put food on the table and keep a roof over your head. How will you live? How will you use the time?
Tune in to the full (short!) episode for the whole story.
More Provisions for the Journey
If you have the guts to begin asking yourself this question and acting on your answers, you’ll be in for an exhilarating ride. AND, you’ll invite some other tough customers into your life in a new way--like fear, doubt, and new kinds of discomfort. As I said at the beginning, this simple question can revolutionize your life...and it’s far from easy to follow through on your answers. A few other episodes of Andrew Petty is Dying provide tools for mastering fear, doubt, and discomfort:
- If fear is getting the best of you, listen to Ep. 005, How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto.
- If you’re tempted to feel like you don’t have much to offer, listen to Ep. 003, How to Turn Your Imperfections Into Superpowers: The Key to Unlocking Your Unique Purpose
- If life’s stiff winds are threatening to sink your ship, listen to Ep. 012, How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
I’m rooting for you, and I believe you have what it takes.
Remember, you are going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Seize the Moment: Tomorrow Never Comes
If something within you is awakening to the challenge posed by the 5-year question, then seize the moment. As Jon Ritner mentioned in the previous episode, exercise the 10-second rule and resolve to do something about it now. The first step could be as easy as connecting with me to schedule a free coaching session. Visit andrewpettycoach.com to do that today.
Also, summon the courage to participate in the one-day Andrew Petty Coaching event coming up on October 14, here in Steamboat Springs. Jon Ritner and I will host an immersive experience called The Best is Yet to Come: Rediscovering an Ancient Compass for a Life of Purpose and Adventure Today. You will emerge from that experience equipped to deploy the Hero’s Journey framework that Jon and I discussed in episode 86 to slay the dragons of fear, boredom, stuckness, and lack of purpose by accepting the call to adventure and becoming the hero in your own story. If you haven’t listened to episode 86 yet, cue it up now, and stay tuned for more details about how to secure your spot at The Best is Yet to Come on October 14.
Thank you once again for your time and attention. I'm so glad you tuned in today. Don't forget to follow this show and share it with your friends, and I'll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying!
Let’s Connect
If this episode helped you, I'd love to know. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
“Not only did this hero's journey resonate with a desire we all have, it felt like it told the story of the life I was actually living. And I think I realized that it wasn't a one-time adventure–that it had the potential to be a pattern or a framework that I could lean into and try to follow over and over again in order to find more meaning, more purpose, and more transformation in my life. In many ways it was what I was missing back in Virginia. I realized it was offering me a pathway, almost like guideposts on the journey that could deliver the things I wanted more of in life, which were meaning and purpose and significance.”
-Jon Ritner
Boredem, confusion, aimlessness, lack of purpose, lack of fulfillment, and a host of other emotional and psychological woes. These are some of the problems that, though they're not entirely new to humanity, seem especially rampant in the affluent Western world today. You might even be able to relate to one or two of them yourself.
When the modern age doesn't offer many useful remedies to these ills, where else can we look? It's time to return to the "old roads," to quote a line from an Andrew Peterson song. It's time to return to wisdom that has been generated over generations and stood the test of time. It's this wisdom that my long-time friend and colleague, Jon Ritner, and I unpack together in this episode through the lenses of our own stories.
It's the wisdom contained in The Hero's Journey, a compass for living derived, surprisingly enough, from humankind's core mythologies.
In this episode, you'll get a crash course in the Hero's Journey and an introduction to how to begin using it in your own life right now to vanquish the dragons of boredom, confusion, aimlessness, lack of purpose, lack of fulfillment, and the laundry list of other besetting woes. As you vanquish those dragons, you'll discover the treasure behind them that you were uniquely meant to find and share with the world. If you're willing, you're in for the adventure of your life.
This episode is also an appetizer for the main course that Jon and I will serve up this October at a special one-day event designed to fully equip you to use the Hero's Journey in your own life.
Introducing Jon Ritner
Jon Ritner and I met in college in the early 90s. We were acquaintances then but became close friends in the years immediately following college, when we were roommates, each of us trying to find ourselves and find our way. We ended up on the same church staff together, a chapter in our stories full of highs and lows and lessons hard-won. We've seen each other at our best, and we've seen each other at our worst. Eventually, our paths diverged, and that's the point at which we pick up Jon's story today.
Jon has served as a pastor for 20 years in various capacities in the US and overseas. Today, he's the Chief Strategy Officer for Communitas International, a global non-profit. He also coaches leaders who are starting and shaping communities to live like Jesus, and the author of Positively Irritating, a philosophical and practical guide for faith leaders navigating the changing cultural realities in the western world. Jon and Kristyn, his wife of 22 years, live in Burbank, CA with their teenage son and daughter.
Highlights from This Conversation
- What The Hero’s Journey is and why it matters in our real-world lives today
- How The Hero’s Journey framework helped Jon make more sense of his life so far, and how it can do the same for you
- How The Hero’s Journey helps Jon live a life of more purpose, meaning, and adventure today, and how it can do the same for you
- The distinguishing qualities of a Hero, and how to be one
- Why and how adventure is an antidote to so many of today’s besetting woes, like boredom, aimlessness, confusion, and lack of purpose
- And more. Tune into the full episode for the rest of the good stuff.
SAVE THE DATE: Special Andrew Petty Coaching Event, Saturday October 14, at the Steamboat Social Club (brunch and dinner provided)
I’m excited to announce a special Andrew Petty Coaching event–a one-day intensive that combines the inspiration of a great Ted Talk with the relational richness of a long lingering meal and tops it off with the insights and action steps you acquire from personal coaching.
The event is called The Best is Yet to Come: Rediscovering an Ancient Compass for Living a Life of Purpose and Adventure.
If today's episode has sparked something inside of you, then The Best is Yet to Come is just the thing to propel you forward on your next great adventure. This episode introduced you to The Hero’s Journey, but The Best is Yet to Come will go deeper. We’ll identify the reasons we so often fluctuate between listlessness and boredom in one season of life and then overwhelming stress and anxiety in the next. We’ill give you language to describe the call on your life as well as license to accept that call with courage and support. We’ll help you move from victim to Hero in your own story and empower you to live a life you’ll be outrageously proud of when you die. Whether you are just setting out on your journey or are stuck in a rut, this is the right time to declare that the best is yet to come!
Keep your eyes peeled for registration details. Still figuring all that out...ha!
In the meantime, how can I help you become who you were made to be and live the life you were made to live? Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Thank you once again for your time and attention. Don't forget to follow this show and share it with your friends, and I'll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying!
Connect with Jon
Email | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
- Ep. 025 | The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
- The Hero With a Thousand Faces (Joseph Campbell)
- The Writer’s Journey (Christopher Vogler)
It's great to be back with you after a six-week break from the show! What better way to kick things off than for my wise and wonderful wife, Charis, to join me again for this second installment in a 2-part series about how assessments can transform your life, work, and relationships.
In the previous episode, through the lens of our own stories, Charis and I explored the transformational potential available to us through the Myers-Briggs Type Inventory, an assessment that helps us understand our natural personality style better.
In this episode, again through the lens of our own stories, we're going to explore the transformational potential available to us through the Highlands Ability Battery, an instrument that helps us understand the abilities we were born with. The Highlands Ability Battery is particularly useful for understanding the kind of work we were made to do in the world.
Taken together, Myers-Briggs and the Highlands Ability Battery provide invaluable insight into the kind of human we are--our Nature. In turn, that insight can equip us to become the person we were made to be and live the life we were made to live.
Any of These Sound Familiar?
If you find yourself stuck in any area of life...If you're finding that what got you here isn't getting you where you want to go...If you have persistent points of irritation or conflict at home or at work...If you have a big dream to tackle but just can't seem to get moving...If you simply want to be all that you can be...Then this episode is for you.
You don't have to listen to the previous episode in order for this one to make sense. Both episodes can stand alone. But I do encourage you to tune into both for the full benefit.
As I said in the previous episode, much of who we are and why we do what we do as humans in this world remains a mystery. But some things don't need to remain a mystery. We hope our story inspires you to pursue fresh insight into the kind of human you are and start taking action on it today.
Highlights from This Conversation
- How the Highlands Ability Battery (HAB) dispelled old but deeply-held limiting beliefs about Charis, improved her perception of herself, and how it can do the same for you.
- How HAB gave Charis new insights, tools, and self-permission that dramatically improved her ability to advance professionally, and how it can do the same for you.
- How HAB infused Charis with more confidence about her own abilities and her professional path, and how it can do the same for you.
- How the insights gained from HAB continue to help Charis on a day-to-day basis in her daily life and work, and how it can do the same for you.
- How HAB revised my (Andrew’s) perception of myself and the first 14 years of my professional life.
- How HAB has helped me (Andrew) write a new chapter personally and professionally that aligns better than ever before with the kind of human I am, and how it can do the same for you.
- How HAB helped me be more available for my wife and kids and finally begin enjoying rather than just needing vacations!
- And more…
Making It Matter in Your Life
I've said this often at the end of an episode, but it remains the million-dollar question: If you tuned in to this episode, what's sticking with you? And here's the 2 Million Dollar question: What's one thing you're willing and able to do today with the insight you've gained? Insight + Action = Transformation. Don't waste a perfectly good insight by neglecting to do something with it. Put it to work and transform your life.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
I Can Help!
It would be a pleasure to help you become who you were made to be and live the life you were made to live. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Thank you once again for your time and attention. I'm so glad you tuned in today. Don't forget to follow this show and share it with your friends, and I'll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying!
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 084 | From Irritation to Appreciation: How Assessments Can Transform Your Life and Relationships
- Ep. 035 | Build Your Personal Owner’s Manual: Understand Yourself Better, Enjoy Yourself More, and Live the Life You were Made to Live
What's a recurring point of irritation in your most important relationship? Where do you consistently feel frustrated at work? What annoys you about your default way of operating in the world?
Without a doubt, your personality and the normal and natural differences between yours and other people's personalities are involved in those situations. This is good news, because you can do something about it. Deepening your understanding of your innate personality style and making real-world changes as a result of what you learn empowers you to deploy yourself in life even more enjoyably, meaningfully, and productively.
In this episode, the first in a two-part series, my wife Charis returns to the show to help me unpack some of the many ways in which acquiring and acting upon personality insights has dramatically improved our lives individually and as a couple. Much of who we are and why we do what we do as humans in this world remains a mystery. But some things don't need to remain a mystery. Our innate personality style is one of those things. We hope our story inspires you to pursue fresh insight into your personality style and start taking action on it today.
This episode focuses on the many benefits available from the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator, specifically.
See You in August…Lord Willin’ and the Creek Don’t Rise!
I'm taking a break from the show in July, so this is the last episode until August. Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I'm looking forward to a great second half of the year, with more enlightening conversations--including part 2 of this two-part series with Charis. That episode will explore the game-changing power of gaining deeper insight into your natural abilities, the abilities you were born with. Together with insights about your personality gained from MBTI, insights into your natural abilities form a really solid baseline understanding of your Nature--the kind of human you are.
The second half of the year will include more short solo episodes, too, all geared toward equipping you with the practical means by which to deploy the Mortality Mindset in your life with transformational results.
Thank you for your time, attention, and trust. Those are precious commodities, and I don't take them for granted.
I hope you and yours have a wonderful July. In the meantime, as always, you can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn @AndrewPettyCoach, at andrewpettycoach.com, or email me at andrew@andrewpettycoach.com.
I've said it once already in this episode, but it's worth repeating: Remember, you ARE going to die. But you're not dead yet. So get after it!
How Can I Help?
Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 021 | Sometimes, the Grass IS Greener: How a Familiar Bit of Conventional Wisdom Could be Holding You Back from the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 025 | The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code
We all have a lot of competing demands and priorities, obligations and opportunities--plenty of day-to-day things to tend to that have clear relevance. In the midst of all that, why would we set aside time specifically for cultivating deeper connections with fellow humans? What's the point of "connection" with others? On the one hand, a better question might be "why don't we set aside that time" because perhaps its value is obvious on some level. But the fact of the matter is that many of us still suffer from a profound lack of meaningful human connection--especially in this global age. So though we may give it lip service, most of us don't walk the talk.
Martie McNabb is a personal historian/visual artist who creates visual narratives from client’s photo, document & memorabilia archives. She's also an interactive story-sharing heartist who helps people create connections by giving them a way to share the stories of the things they keep. That's what her company, Thing Tide Show & Tale, and her Show and Tale events are all about. Helping people connect has been part of her Martie's mission from the beginning.
In this episode, you'll learn how the things that we keep contain stories waiting to be told, how telling those stories connects us to our own Story and to our fellow humans more meaningfully, and why all of that matters for you and me.
Write a Great Story With Your Life in The Graveyard Group
In the Graveyard Group, write your best life Story with the support of your very own confidential board of advisors. Harness the power of the Mortality Mindset and human connection to break free from the status quo, become the person you were made to be, and live the life you were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon.
New groups for men and women are forming now. andrewpettycoach.com to schedule a free one-hour coaching session with me, find me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn @AndrewPettyCoach, or email me at andrew@andrewpettycoach.com.
Connect with Martie
Email | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Website | YouTube | Podcast
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 074 | From Pain to Purpose: Finding What Matters, with Alison Zimmerman
- Ep. 076 | Legacy: What It Is and Why It Matters, with Maggie Gannon
The previous episode laid out a simple way to change the world–one to which each of us can contribute. It’s not easy, but thankfully it is simple.
This episode lays out a way to overcome one of the key obstacles we often encounter on the way to changing the world–namely, our own poorly-established and unstable identity. It’s another timely reboot in an age that can sometimes feel incurably chaotic.
One Pond, Two Fish: Meet John
John was born in 1952 in a small town in Michigan. His mom managed the homefront, his dad was an accountant, and he had two younger sisters. In keeping with the prevailing sentiment of the day, his mom and dad favored stability, predictability, and peace above all else since WWII was still painfully if not distantly visible in the rearview mirror. And John’s dad was a combat veteran. Gratitude for the simplicity of small-town American life was a staple of John’s family’s ethic, and dreams of bigger and better things weren’t exactly frowned upon, but they weren’t encouraged either.
John went to school with the same 60 or so kids from K-12, watched the same regular TV programming as everyone else, and was glad to get a job at a local print shop when he graduated from high school. He liked art and design, and this seemed like a reasonable way to get a bit of that in his work while at the same time taking his place among the ranks of the responsible and productive.
John eventually bought the print shop after 20 years at the company and the establishment of his own family, and though each decade brought with it its own set of challenges in the world at large, John had a sense of who he was and what he did in the world. He was John, the son of Tom and Sally, from a small town in Michigan. He was a husband, father, business owner, and engaged member of his community. He was aware of the wider world and interested in its affairs, but he didn’t spend much time concerning himself about things that didn’t affect his immediate day-to-day or threaten to do so.
On the whole, John was content to be a decent-sized fish in a small pond in the middle of Michigan.
One Pond, Two Fish: Meet Alex
Alex was born in 1995 in the same small Michigan town as John. The town was bigger when Alex was born, but not significantly so. It had simply grown the way that towns can when there aren’t specific causes for decline but neither are there particular reasons for a boom. His mom was an IT manager who worked from home and his dad was a VP with a national healthcare provider. Alex was an only child.
Alex changed schools 4 times and moved to different neighborhoods twice in his K-12 years--the result of his parents’ concerns about the quality of the education he was receiving and proximity to the airport for his dad’s business trips. So, Alex had several different groups of friends over the years but became increasingly less social as the years wore on--fatigue from the social turnover taking its toll. By the time he was a sophomore in high school, smart phones and the proliferation of social media made it easier to interact from a distance and meet people outside of his hometown that he found more interesting. He was aware of the vastness of the world and the almost infinite options awaiting him. There was so...much...more out there than this little town had to offer.
By the time his senior year rolled around, Alex was counting down the milliseconds until graduation--when he was free to leave the stifling smallness of his hometown and explore new horizons. Maybe he’d visit his buddy Alex in Oregon, whose dad grew marijuana for medical use, or his online crush Lisa in Miami. His gaming buddy, Yoshi, had invited him to visit him in Tokyo. That would be amazing. The possibilities were endless.
Fast forward to the present day, and Alex’s still a relatively young man at 26, but he’s beginning to feel some internal pressure to figure some things out. He’s lived in 4 different cities since high school graduation--all thankfully much different and in his opinion way more interesting than his hometown. But eventually, each city got a little old, or he had a hard time connecting with new people there, or the tech job he’d landed went away because of down-sizing or right-sizing or an acquisition. He’s feeling a bit adrift. He’s spending more and more time on social media--fantasizing about achieving the stardom and notoriety of a Gary V. or a Joe Rogan and peering into the lives of hundreds of people he doesn’t know but whose lives look more interesting than his. This isn’t helping. It creates a chronic sense of he’s here and “they” are way over there--living in a magical land of financial ease and personal certainty. The gap seems to be widening with every passing day.
Plus, it appears to him that the world is beginning to crumble around him. Racial unrest, global pandemics, dishonest politicians, and environmental armageddon are just a few of the big things that threaten to do the world in any day now. At least, that’s what he’s hearing in the media. And can the media be trusted? If not they, then how does he get reliable info about the state of things? He feels like he ought to do something about at least one of these things. But which one? And what can he possibly do as just one guy? He feels increasingly like he’s being swept along by a tidal wave of horrible inevitability that he’s powerless against.
Alex is a small fish in a global fish pond. It’s terrifying, and it’s paralyzing.
The Global Fish Pond Crisis
Hopefully, the juxtaposition of the portraits of these men from the same town but with very different experiences of the world illustrates the theory I want to share with you. Here’s the theory, simply stated to make the implicit explicit: I think that most if not all of us are suffering at the hands of what I’m calling the Global Fish Pond Crisis. We’re susceptible to some version of Alex’s experience in the world. I actually think it’s a big reason that people like me have a job doing what we do. People feel adrift in a global fish pond and need help making sense of their place in it.
Here’s what I think is happening: When the whole world is at our fingertips 24/7 and the old ways of forming an identity aren’t adequate anymore, then it’s completely up to us to catalyze our identity--a term I first heard from Jordan Peterson--and stabilize it in the midst of a global pond churning with other fish trying to do the same thing. In John’s case, geography and associated cultural norms provided reliable, local boundaries to his fish pond and formed a foundation for his identity. He was one fish among 20,000, not one among 7 Billion as we may feel ourselves to be today.
But perhaps the biggest problem with the Global Fish Pond Crisis is that we’re not aware that it exists. We’re tempted instead to think that we’re just not cutting it. We may be aware of various degrees of psychological pain and suffering caused by it--like in Alex’s case--but we’re misattributing it to our own laziness or incompetency or lack of worth. This is a case in which I think many of us are truly being victimized. And that’s why I bring it up. Because if this Global Fish Pond Crisis is actually a thing, then exposing it and its insidious effects on us means we can stop being victimized by it and start doing something about it.
We can go from unwitting victim to victor and find our place in the vast global pond in which we now swim. In an age where few of us are born into small local ponds anymore, we have the opportunity to appropriately claim a small part of the global pond for our own--a part of the pond small enough to actually make a difference.
How to Rescue Ourselves from the Global Fish Pond Crisis
I think the way forward lies in each of us doing our best to assume even more complete responsibility for ourselves. To concern ourselves with those things that we can influence, to get our own houses in order, so to speak, and operate as productively as we know how right now, right where we are, with what we have. Staying zoomed out to the global view too much of the time leads to overwhelm and, frankly, I think it’s a cop-out because we then blame the global situation for why we’ve failed to sort ourselves out. Because what can one person do when the world is burning down around us? That’s victim stuff right there, and we’re all susceptible to it in one way or another.
Zoom out every once in a while, sure--but zoom right back to your own here and now, and determine to do what you can right where you are. And I don’t mean do what you can to fix the world. I mean do what you can to become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live. I think that when we do that, we actually fulfill the many desperate needs in the world better and more quickly, anyway.
Are You Struggling to Find Your Place in A Global Fish Pond?
If this idea is scratching an itch for you--if you resonate with the idea of feeling like a tiny fish in a global pond--then resolve to do something about it in your own life right now. These four episodes of Andrew Petty is Dying will be especially useful as you take next steps to rescue yourself from the Global Fish Pond Crisis:
- Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
- Ep. 025 | The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code
- Ep. 035 | Build Your Personal Owner’s Manual: Understand Yourself Better, Enjoy Yourself More, and Live the Life You were Made to Live
Remember, you are going to die. But you aren’t dead yet. So get after it!
I Can Help You
I can help you escape the grip of the Global Fish Pond Crisis. I can help you establish and stabilize your identity so you can become the person you were made to be, live the life you were made to live, and do your part to change the world.
Visit my website to schedule a free first session.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
- Ep. 025 | The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code
- Ep. 035 | Build Your Personal Owner’s Manual: Understand Yourself Better, Enjoy Yourself More, and Live the Life You were Made to Live
Today’s episode is a timely reboot from the archives. It’s a reminder we can all benefit from and something we tend to lose sight of all too easily. It’s an antidote to apathy and despair in an age of doom and gloom.
Doom and Gloom Abounds
If environmental armageddon doesn’t get us first, then a hostile nation’s plans for global domination will. Maybe the Republicans will sink the ship and all hands will be lost. Or maybe it’ll be the Democrats doing. What about AI--the potential for hyper-intelligent machines to take over the world and eradicate or enslave humanity? You thought COVID was tough? Just wait until the next super virus is unleashed by nameless, faceless, malevolent forces plotting our demise even as we speak.
Take your pick. There are no shortage of dire, doom and gloom scenarios to choose from these days. And the media and the internet serve up heaping quantities of it onto our psychological plates if we get in line for the 24/7 buffet.
I’m NOT saying, BTW, that there aren’t genuine reasons to be concerned about the state of the world. There are--and, there always have been. In the modern digital age, though, it’s possible to be aware of most of the challenges facing the world--or, at least, the existing portrayals of those challenges--and to be aware of them most of the time. That’s infinitely more knowledge and awareness than any one of us can hold well in our hearts and minds or possibly act upon. And if we’re not careful, it can lead us to despair, despondency, and inaction.
Where does that leave us, then? What CAN we do?
Good questions.
How do we change the world?
It’s Simple, Actually
I’m not going to bury the lead here. Let’s get right to the point.
To change the world, simply be the best “you” that you can possibly be.
Profoundly simple. And FAR from easy. If it was easy, more of us would embrace it and live it out.
It’s also far from a new idea. “Be the change you want to see in the world” is a statement derived from ideas that Gandhi put forth. As is “if you want to change the world, go home and love your family”--that one derived from Mother Teresa’s way of thinking. Today, in his book 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, Jordan Peterson sounds a similar note when he exhorts us all to “get our own house in perfect order” before we criticize the world or, by extrapolation, try to change the whole world.
It’s not a new idea, but it seems to be one that needs to be revived in our hearts and minds these days. We forget. And we get swept up in the myriad of massive global concerns and take our eye off the ball right in front of us--the only ball that is really ours to carry. The ball of our One and Only Life, our unique path, and the purposes we alone can accomplish along that path.
We need to return to this simple idea and double-down on it in our own lives. As Natalie Niksa said in the previous episode, “we’ve lost our way because of all the shiny objects.” And in returning to this priority, we’ll revitalize our personal power, passion, and purpose and reduce our sense of paralysis and powerlessness in the face of all of the world’s woes. Then, we can really get to work, right where we are, with what we have.
Breaking It Down
But what does it mean to “be the best you that you can possibly be,” and how does that actually change the world?
It means taking radical responsibility for yourself. It means working your ass off to discover and express your unique self as fully as you can and bring your unique gifts into the world. It means dreaming the dreams that exist only within your heart and doing your damndest to fulfill them. It means doing the work to become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live. It means working your ass off to be the best spouse, partner, parent, neighbor, and employee, employer, or entrepreneur that you can be. It means dragging yourself over the finish line of your life utterly depleted AND utterly satisfied because you left it all out on the field.
For some, those efforts will yield global recognition and impact. For others of us, our efforts will only ever be known among those closest to us.
Guess what? The scope and scale of our impact is irrelevant and, frankly, none of our business.
It’s not even knowable, in fact. We have no way of knowing how much of a difference our life will make--now, and in the years and generations to come. Our lives ripple into eternity, just like those before us ripple into ours.
Keep It Positive
Make no mistake, though: There’s no such thing as a neutral or no-impact life.
We don’t get to control IF our life will make an impact or know how much of an impact we ultimately make, but we do get to influence what KIND of impact we’ll make. Will it be negative because we shrank back, didn’t take full responsibility for our One and Only life, and failed to show up--and our absence was a loss for those who needed us to show up? Or will it be positive--not because we showed up perfectly all the time, but rather because we did our very best to simply show up, to bring the best of ourselves to this fleeting life, day in and day out?
Carl Jung said that the greatest burden a child can take into adulthood is the unlived life of their parent.
In a slightly sillier context but with no less relevance, in the Lego movie Ninjago, Lloyd the good ninja tells his dad, the movie’s arch villain, that he ruined his life. To which his dad, Lord Garmadon, replies, scoffingly, “How could I ruin your life? I wasn’t even there.”
But How Does It Change the World?
If all of that at least makes a dent in understanding HOW to “be the best you that you can possibly be,” then that leaves the question of how it actually changes the world.
When we take responsibility for being the best versions of ourselves that we can possibly be, then we change ourselves. When we change ourselves, we change our world--the little part of the world that we call our own. Our family life changes, our work life changes, our community life changes. Then, as our world changes, by definition the world changes as the ripples move outward from us at the epicenter.
Change your life...change your world...change the world.
That, my friends, is how we change the world.
Buckle Up, Buttercup
The good news is that it’s so simple. Our primary focus becomes simply evolving ourselves. As I said at the beginning, though, it’s far from easy. There’s no journey more challenging. But there’s also no journey more completely satisfying and worthwhile. And if you’re looking for more purpose and meaning, this journey will fill that cup to overflowing.
So buckle up, buttercup, and get to work becoming the best you that you can possibly be.
And remember, you are going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Change the World in The Graveyard Group
The Graveyard Group was created precisely for the purpose of helping you become the very best you that you can be. It combines the unsurpassed motivational horsepower of the Mortality Mindset with the force multiplying influence of your very own confidential board of advisors. Break free from the status quo, become who you were made to be, and live the life you were made to live.
New groups for men and women are forming now, and both in-person and virtual options are available.
Visit my website to learn more and schedule a free 1-1 coaching session to determine if The Graveyard Group is right for you.
BTW, this episode pairs well with episode 036, The Global Fish Pond Crisis, because it offers a solution to the Global Fish Pond Crisis. And no, episode 036 is not about a literal fish pond crisis; it’s about the formidable challenges of constructing solid identities for ourselves in this modern, globalized age. If you haven’t checked it out, and this one was meaningful to you, then I encourage you to do so.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Recommend These, Too
- Ep. 014 | Dare to Dream Again: The Antidote to a Mediocre Life
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
- Ep. 025 | The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code
- Ep. 029 | Dragon Slayer: One Man's Tale of Heroic Life Renovation
- Ep. 035 | Build Your Personal Owner’s Manual: Understand Yourself Better, Enjoy Yourself More, and Live the Life You were Made to Live
What does our energy have to do with finding our unique Path in life? A lot, as it turns out. Stay tuned to learn how to put it to work for you.
Energy for the Win
It was 2015, and I was a couple years into a major personal and professional evolution–much of which I share about in greater detail in the earliest episodes of this show. Part of that evolution had included a move to CO. Now, after a self-administered period of sabbatical, it was time to begin getting clearer on what the next chapter would be for me professionally. Though I didn’t have the language for it back then, through a long process of self-discovery supported by family, friends, colleagues, my first partnership with a coach, and insights gained through assessments and reflection, I had already created something very similar to my very own Personal Owner’s Manual. To learn how to create yours, tune into episode 035, Build Your Personal Owner’s Manual: Understand Yourself Better, Enjoy Yourself More, and Live the Life You were Made to Live.
As a result of all that work, I was beginning to lean toward coaching as the next step along my professional path. I wasn’t yet committed to it, though. Until, that is, I began to recall when I felt more and less energized in my previous professional chapter. Hands-down, I realized, I felt more energized when I was having meaningful conversations in 1-1 and small group settings about how to move forward. Those conversations left me on a high and helped those involved. Conversely, I felt much less energized when I returned to most of the other parts of my job.
What kind of work would involve a lot more of those kinds of conversations, I wondered, and a lot less of all the other stuff? In light of the new clarity that reflecting on my energy had provided, in conjunction with the accumulated insights from all of my previous self-discovery, the field of coaching, broadly speaking, became the obvious next step on my professional path. So I summoned the courage to put my Insight into Action, and began to move forward on that path.
After 7+ years of coaching, I can confidently say that my energy didn’t let me down. It was a reliable guide then, and it continues to guide me well today. Your energy can do the same for you.
The Energy Gauge
Imagine with me for a moment a dashboard. This isn’t any old dashboard, though. It’s your personal dashboard. Its gauges and indicator lights are specific to you, and from it you gain important information about how well you’re functioning. Your fuel gauge tells you when it’s time to rest, recover, and recharge. Your emotions gauge informs you about how you’re responding to internal and external stimuli and where attention is needed. You get the idea. It’s your dashboard, and you can customize it any way you’d like. I recommend making sure that one gauge is present and prominent on your dashboard, however–your Energy Gauge.
When we pay attention to our energy, we get rich real-world feedback about what we were made to do and what we weren’t made to do.
Watch when your energy gauge goes up and when it goes down. In both cases, take note of the specific conditions that are causing it to go up or down. Then, take action to engineer the circumstances of your life to allow you to do more of what energizes you and less of what doesn’t.
The magic of the energy gauge lies at least in large part in the fact that when our energy goes up, we can be confident that our innate personality, abilities, gifts, and talents, our life experiences, our interests, and our values are all being put to use in some significant way. When our energy goes down, we can be confident that those things are less present.
In other words, when we pay attention to our energy gauge, we get all that and a bag of chips.
Whether you need a tweak, a major adjustment, or feel like you have no clue at all what your path in life is, your energy gauge will serve you well. It’s simple, reliable, actionable, and powerful. It demystifies what can feel like a daunting and hopelessly complex pursuit, i.e. finding your path in life.
Anyone can use it, and you can begin using it right now. The keys to unlocking its potential are the Courage and Humility to act upon what you discover.
Tune in to episodes 077 and 078 to learn more about Courage, Humility, and the rest of the Big 6 essential ingredients in the recipe for a life you’ll be outrageously proud of when you die.
Check Your Personal Energy Gauge
What is your energy gauge telling you? What’s one thing you’re willing and able to change today to act on what it’s telling you and get even clearer on your unique path in life?
Remember, you are going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it.
Dedicated Support for the Road Ahead
It’s one thing to pay attention to your energy gauge. It’s another thing entirely to act on what it’s telling you and stay the course. That’s where a 1-1 coaching partnership with me can make all the difference. I’ll help you break free from the grip of the Status Quo so that you can become who you were made to be and live the life you were made to live.
To learn more, visit my website to schedule a free session, find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
- Ep. 062 | What Do You Do?: A Tool for Understanding Yourself Better and Finding Your Unique Path in Life
What's on the other side of Death?
Danielle Slupesky came face-to-face with her own Mortality through a harrowing and prolonged medical crisis. She barely lived to tell the tale. In the midst of that crisis, she had a near-death experience that completely changed the trajectory of her life and her relationship with Death.
Danielle is an End-of-Life Coach and a Death Doula based out of Albuquerque, NM. In this episode, she gives us a detailed first-hand account of her near-death experience and how it changed her.
Frankly, it's difficult to know where to file or categorize Danielle's experience. On the one hand, it would be reassuring if it fit neatly into my existing worldview or further supported it. But it doesn't do that, so for now it gets filed under "Unsolved Mysteries."
It's clear, though, that what remains a mystery to me has radically transformed Danielle. Its impact cannot be ignored. For that reason alone, her story is worth paying attention to. But there's more to Danielle's story that deserves our attention, including the importance of surrender, the perils of unconscious living, and how our bodies whisper messages that we need to hear and heed.
This conversation enlightened, challenged, and encouraged me. I hope it does the same for you.
Some Highlights From This Conversation
- Danielle “before and after” her encounter with Mortality and near-death experience
- The perils of “unconscious” living and how to live more consciously
- How to hear what our body is whispering to us about our mental and emotional wellbeing
- Danielle shares a detailed account of her near-death experience and how it changed her
- What Danielle considers most important today, after her encounter with mortality and near-death experience
- How an End-of-Life Coach can help you live more consciously today
- The role of the Death Doula in the 21st Century
- Tune in to the full episode for more…
The Graveyard Group: End-of-Life Coaching, Mastermind-style
The Graveyard Group is like end-of-life coaching with the support of your very own confidential board of advisors. Harness the power of the Mortality Mindset to break free from the status quo, become the person you were made to be, and live the life you were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. As Danielle pointed out, when we bring our Mortality to the forefront of our awareness and begin planning for a conscious death, we automatically begin to lead more conscious lives.
New groups for men and women are forming now. To learn more, visit my website to schedule a free 1-1 coaching session with me, find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, or email me.
Let’s Connect
I can help you uncover what you really want and go after it with guts, gusto, and abandon. Schedule a free session to see if a 1-1 coaching partnership with me is a good choice for you. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Danielle
Email | LinkedIn | Website
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 011 | Embracing Mystery, When to Call It a Day, and What Matters Most: Lessons from an Astonishing Life-After-Death Story
- Ep. 063 | Suffering, Surrender, and the Leap of Faith: How to Find Freedom on the Other Side of Letting Go, with Carrie Chown
What does it take to live a life you’ll be outrageously proud of when you die?
That’s really the question at the heart of this podcast, and this episode is part two of a two-part series aimed at providing a trustworthy answer to that question.
Through my own life experience, conversations with guests on this show, 1-1 coaching partnerships, and The Graveyard Group, I’ve identified six essential ingredients in the recipe for a life we’ll be outrageously proud of when we die. I call them the Big 6. Other ingredients are important and useful, for sure, but none appear to me to be as important as these six. Without them, the recipe simply doesn’t work.
In the previous episode, I introduced you to the first three of the Big 6, Courage, Humility, and Truth-telling. In this episode, I’ll introduce you to the second three, Self-permission, Self-responsibility, and Self-knowledge.
There is a logic to the order of the ingredients in this recipe. They build on one another, and each one depends upon the others that precede it. If you haven’t listened to the previous episode yet and you have an additional 8 minutes to spare right now, I recommend tuning in to that episode first before listening to this one.
The Fourth Ingredient: Self-Permission
The fourth essential ingredient in the recipe for a life you’ll be outrageously proud of is Self-permission. Self-permission is ownership of the reality that I can do what I want, when I want, how I want, where I want, with whom I want. It is a permission granted to us simply by virtue of our arrival at chronological adulthood, but many chronological adults remain emotional and psychological juveniles because they fail to fully grant themselves this permission. Instead, their thoughts and actions remain heavily and unduly influenced by others, by worn-out worldviews inherited from their family of origin, and by a myriad of other external sources of permission. They remain dependent upon external sources of permission to determine what they think and how they conduct themselves in the world.
Self-permission can be used for good or evil, and everything in between. It isn’t a license to run amok. Nor does it mean tuning out the input of others; it is wise to seek and learn from the counsel and examples of others. Rather, the proper expression of Self-permission simply frees us from dependence upon external sources of permission in order to think and act.
Let me say that again: The proper expression of Self-permission simply frees us from dependence upon external sources of permission in order to think and act.
It also puts the consequences of our thoughts and actions squarely at our feet, a topic we’ll delve into next when we discuss Self-responsibility.
Failure to take full ownership of Self-permission relegates us to living at least in part according to the will and permissions of others. This limits our ability to become the person we were uniquely made to be and live the life we were uniquely made to live because our Path and Purpose are co-opted by others’ will and wishes.
Successfully taking full ownership of Self-permission, however, sets us free to discover who and what we really are and who and what we really can become. We are able to make our unique contribution to the world.
Courage, Humility, and Truth-telling are prerequisites for Self-permission.
Remember, as an adult, you really can do what you want, when you want, how you want, where you want, with whom you want. Use the privilege well.
Tune into Ep. 022, entitled Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise, to learn how your inner voice can help you add more Self-permission in your own life.
How fully have you embraced Self-permission? In what area of your life can you exercise even more Self-permission?
The Fifth Ingredient: Self-responsibility
The fifth Big 6 ingredient is Self-responsibility. Self-responsibility is complete ownership of our thoughts, words, and actions and the consequences that result from them. It is “extreme ownership,” to borrow Jocko Willink’s phrase from his book by the same name. It is the antidote to the insidious and destructive force of victimhood and just about every other manifestation of human dysfunction imaginable.
When we are Self-responsible, we exhibit a willingness to acknowledge and make amends for mistakes. We choose to be solution-focused rather than problem- or blame-focused. We acknowledge that we always have a choice. We point the finger at ourselves first.
Self-responsibility helps us distinguish between what we can and can’t control. It allows us to forge interdependent rather than dependent or co-dependent bonds in relationships because we’re able to establish and maintain healthier boundaries. We neither assume too little or too much responsibility for others. We are 100% responsible for ourselves and appropriately responsible for others.
Courage, Humility, Truth-telling, and Self-permission are all prerequisites of Self-responsibility. Tune in to Ep. 019, The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot, for more on this topic.
How have you demonstrated Self-responsibility recently? In what area of your life is more Self-responsibility needed?
The Sixth Ingredient: Self-knowledge
The sixth and final essential ingredient in the recipe for a life you’ll be outrageously proud of when you die is Self-knowledge. Self-knowledge is an ever-evolving understanding about the kind of human you are–your Nature—and the influence of your Story–or Nurture–upon the person you’ve become. Together, Nature and Nurture help us discover the person we were made to be and the life we were made to live.
Self-knowledge is made up of both quantitative and qualitative data and information. It is both objectively- and subjectively-derived. Professional assessments and inventories like those that I use with my clients, our own experience, and counsel and feedback from friends, family, mentors, coaches, and mental health professionals are valuable sources of Self-knowledge.
Our pursuit of Self-knowledge depends upon increasing measures of Courage, Humility, Truth-telling, Self-permission, and Self-responsibility. In turn, the Self-knowledge that we gain helps us deploy Courage, Humility, Truth-telling, Self-permission, and Self-responsibility even more effectively.
Deeper Self-knowledge leads to a more enjoyable, meaningful, and productive life. Though its fruits are personally rewarding, we ultimately pursue Self-knowledge in order to better understand how we are uniquely equipped to serve humankind.
Tune in to Ep. 035 of Andrew Petty is Dying, Build Your Personal Owner’s Manual: Understand Yourself Better, Enjoy Yourself More, and Live the Life You were Made to Live, for more on this topic.
How have you deepened your Self-knowledge recently? In what area of your life is more Self-knowledge needed?
Perfecting the Recipe: Just Add More
There you have it–the 6 essential ingredients in the recipe for a life you’ll be outrageously proud of when you die.
The instructions in this recipe are simple: Just keep adding more. More cups of Courage. Heaps more Humility. Tons more Truth-telling. More generous scoops of Self-permission, Self-responsibility, and Self-Knowledge.
With this recipe, more is always better.
Each time you add just a little more, you’re investing in a life you’ll be outrageously proud of when you die.
Which ingredient can you begin adding more of today? Because remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Become a Master Chef in The Graveyard Group
If the Big 6 are essential ingredients in the recipe for a life you’ll be outrageously proud of when you die, then The Graveyard Group is the kitchen in which you become a master chef.
You and your own personal, confidential board of advisors help each other perfect your recipes for amazing lives. The Mortality Mindset is the heat that energizes your work together. Step by step, week by week, you give the things that matter most the attention they deserve now, before it’s too late.
Break free from the status quo, become the person you were made to be, and live the life you were made to live.
New groups for men and women are forming now. To learn more, visit my website to schedule a free session with me, find me on Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn, or email me.
Get Unstuck and Create the Life You’ve Always Wanted
I know what it’s like to be stuck. I also know what it takes to get moving again toward the life you’ve always wanted. If you’re stuck, schedule a free coaching session to see if a 1-1 coaching partnership is right for you.
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 050 | Seize the Offensive: An Antidote to Fear, Dread, and Timid Living
- Ep. 070 | Forward, Pioneer!: Why the "Frontier" is the Best Place to Be
- Ep. 072 | Report from the Frontier: A Pioneer's Tale, with Kris Reeves
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
What does it take to live a life you’ll be outrageously proud of when you die?
That’s really the question at the heart of this podcast. Together, we’re cultivating the mindset and acquiring the means to answer this question. The Mortality Mindset breaks us free of the Status Quo’s gravitational pull and motivates us to give the things that matter most the attention they deserve now, before it’s too late. The insights and tools we’ve assembled along the way are the means by which we put the Mortality Mindset to work in the real world.
Here’s another way to look at it: The means we’re acquiring are like ingredients in a recipe, and the Mortality Mindset is the heat we apply to those ingredients in order to produce the desired result.
Through my own life experience, conversations with guests on this show, 1-1 coaching partnerships, and The Graveyard Group, I’ve identified six essential ingredients in the recipe for a life we’ll be outrageously proud of when we die. I call them the Big 6. Other ingredients are important and useful, for sure, but none appear to me to be as important as these six. Without them, the recipe simply doesn’t work.
In this episode, I’ll introduce you to the first three of the Big 6, Courage, Humility, and Truth-telling. Tune in to the next episode for the second three, Self-permission, Self-responsibility, and Self-knowledge.
Ingredient 1: Courage
The first essential ingredient in the recipe for a life you’ll be outrageously proud of is Courage.
Courage is the sovereign choice to be brave in response to fear.
It is first among the Big 6 because none of the other Big 6 ingredients are possible without it. In fact, it’s difficult to think of a single admirable personal quality or act that doesn’t have Courage as its foundation.
Courage is not something you have to go find. It’s something you choose to summon right here and now in order to take the very next step forward. We demonstrate courage when we choose to have the hard conversation, get out of bed when it would be easier to hide away, and take on a new challenge.
Consistently summoning Courage makes once-feared things seem trivial.
The antidote to fear is not becoming less afraid. It’s getting more brave. So if you’re scared, practice being brave.
Over time, as your consistent choice to summon courage expands the frontiers upon which you’re capable of operating in the world, the Frontier becomes your playground.
Courage is also contagious; the more we practice it, the more it inspires others to do the same.
Tune in to Ep. 005, How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto, for more on Courage, the first ingredient in the recipe for a life you’ll be outrageously proud of when you die.
How have you summoned Courage recently? In what area of your life is more Courage needed?
Ingredient 2: Humility
The second Big 6 ingredient is Humility. Humility is fueled by Courage.
Humility is the courageous willingness to acknowledge our ignorance, deficiencies, and mistakes and move forward anyway. Humility is a courageous attitude of the heart that welcomes truth no matter how hard it might be to receive. It continually verifies our perception of ourselves and the world against the feedback that others offer us. It is the “sober judgment” of oneself commended in the book of Romans. It is essential for learning and growth.
We demonstrate humility when we ask the question that no one else is asking, despite our fear that others will think it’s dumb. We demonstrate humility when we confess our wrongdoing and ask for forgiveness. We demonstrate humility when we submit to the guidance and instruction of someone wiser than us. We demonstrate humility when we can acknowledge both our strengths and our weaknesses without any inflation or deflation of who we are.
How have you demonstrated Humility recently? In what area of your life is more Humility needed?
Ingredient 3: Truth-telling
The third Big 6 ingredient is Truth-telling. Truth-telling is fueled by Courage and Humility.
Truth-telling is accurately defining reality–first for ourselves and then for others. Often, the only thing harder than telling others the truth is telling it to ourselves. It requires us to acknowledge who and where we actually are vs. who and where we’d like to be or think we should be. Often, it highlights difficult actions that we need to take.
Life can feel easier in the short-term when we don’t tell the truth, but the degree to which we fail to tell the truth will be the degree to which our relationships with ourselves and others are based on lies. The short-term costs we incur for telling the truth pale in comparison to the long-term costs we incur for living by deception.
Very few of us set out to intentionally lie to ourselves and others. But we encounter significant internal and external obstacles to Truth-telling every day, and we’re not even aware of many of them. For example, if we grew up in a family that only approves of certain professions, we may find it very difficult to acknowledge the truth that we’re not well-suited to any of them. There could be big relational costs associated with telling the truth. Remember that there are big costs associated with not telling the truth, too.
A classic example is the middle-aged man who realizes one day with dismay that his corner office and high-paying position were someone else’s dream, not his, but he wasn’t willing to acknowledge the truth when it tugged at him along the way.
When we tell the truth, our starting point corresponds with reality and serves as a reliable point from which to move forward. If we don’t tell the truth, though, our starting point doesn’t correspond with reality, and our navigation forward will lead to destinations for which we’re not intended.
My coach, the one-and-only Amy K., gave me a great tool for getting better at Truth-telling. Whenever you’re finding it difficult to accurately define reality in a specific situation, finish the sentence, “The truth is, …” as honestly as you can. For example, “The Truth is, I feel scared about this opportunity even though I feel like I’m supposed to be excited about it.”
How have you told the truth recently? In what area of your life is more Truth-telling needed?
It’s a Simple Recipe: Just Add More
I don’t enjoy cooking, so this whole recipe metaphor is a stretch for me. For me, the simpler the recipe, the better. Whether you enjoy cooking or not, though, I have good news: The instructions in the recipe for living a life you’ll be outrageously proud of are simple: Just keep adding more. More cups of Courage. Heaps more Humility. Tons more Truth-telling. You get the idea. With this recipe, more is always better.
So, resolve to summon more Courage, risk more Humility, and practice more Truth-telling. Each time you add just a little more, you’re investing in a life you’ll be outrageously proud of when you die.
I’ll introduce you to the other three Big 6 ingredients–Self-permission, Self-responsibility, and Self-knowledge–in the next episode.
In the meantime, remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Perfect Your Recipe in The Graveyard Group
If the Big 6 are essential ingredients in the recipe for a life you’ll be outrageously proud of when you die, then The Graveyard Group is the kitchen in which you become a master chef.
You and your own personal, confidential board of advisors help each other perfect your recipes for amazing lives. The Mortality Mindset is the heat that energizes your work together. Step by step, week by week, you give the things that matter most the attention they deserve now, before it’s too late.
Break free from the status quo, become the person you were made to be, and live the life you were made to live.
New groups for men and women are forming now. To learn more, visit my website to schedule a free session with me, find me on Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn, or email me.
Get Unstuck and Create the Life You’ve Always Wanted
I know what it’s like to be stuck. I also know what it takes to get moving again toward the life you’ve always wanted. If you’re stuck, schedule a free coaching session to see if a 1-1 coaching partnership is right for you.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 050 | Seize the Offensive: An Antidote to Fear, Dread, and Timid Living
- Ep. 070 | Forward, Pioneer!: Why the "Frontier" is the Best Place to Be
- Ep. 072 | Report from the Frontier: A Pioneer's Tale, with Kris Reeves
Legacy. What is it, and why does it matter?
As a 28-year veteran in the field of Otorhinolaryngology, clinical nurse specialist Maggie Gannon first encountered the transformational impact of legacy in the crucible of caring for desperately ill head and neck cancer patients. Then, cancer hit close to home. That ordeal galvanized her resolve to bring the power of legacy to everyone.
Today, Maggie is the founder and CEO of Haven, the first customer-centric company built from clinical research to help the patient, the family, and the companies that serve them improve quality of life during life’s last chapter. Haven is changing the experience of death into something more meaningful and peaceful when the time comes. Maggie is also a recognized national lecturer and author.
There’s Something to This Legacy Thing
This is the second time in as many episodes that legacy has come up, so I'm taking note. If you haven't already, tune in to episode 075 with Alison Zimmerman for her perspective on legacy. There's something here that we need to pay attention to because those who have looked Mortality square in the eyes say it's important. Let's hear and heed their counsel now, before our own encounter with Mortality is upon us.
Highlights from This Episode
- How listening well helps others see new possibilities and generate new options for themselves
- Key differences between those who cope well with their Mortality and those who don’t
- How years of caring for the chronically and terminally ill has changed how Maggie lives her own life–and what that means for you and me
- How Maggie’s views on life and death changed when cancer hit close to home–and what that means for you and me
- The astounding mental, emotional, and physical benefits of connecting with and capturing our legacy
- How to begin capturing your legacy today
- The top regrets that Maggie’s patients expressed as death drew near–don’t let them become yours!
- Tune in to the full episode for more…
Get in Touch With Your Legacy
How well-acquainted are you with your legacy? In light of your own Mortality, what are you willing and able to do differently in order to become better acquainted with it and give the gift of your legacy to those you love? Thanks to Maggie and her Haven team, all you have to do is visit hvnlegacy.com to get started right now. Haven's guided, self-paced process is simple and intuitive and yours to use as you see fit. What you create remains as a permanent record for those you love and those who come after you.
Take the Narrow Road
It would be much easier not to check out Haven. It would be much easier to enjoy the insights you gained from today's conversation but do nothing with them in the real world. But if you listen to this podcast, you are not interested in the easy road. You're looking for the narrow road that leads to a life you're outrageously proud of when you die, and you're intentionally tapping into the power of your Mortality to motivate you. Visit hvnlegacy.com and start capturing your legacy today.
Remember: You are going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Create Your Legacy in a Graveyard Group
As you capture your legacy on Haven, continue creating your legacy in the Graveyard Group with the support of your very own confidential board of advisors. Harness the power of the Mortality Mindset to break free from the status quo, become the person you were made to be, and live the life you were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon.
New groups for men and women are forming now. To learn more, visit my website to schedule a free one-hour coaching session with me, find me on Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Connect with Maggie
Email | LinkedIn | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 053 | No Time Like the Present: A Simple Tool for Giving the Things that Matter Most the Attention They Deserve
- Ep. 058 | How to Make the Most of Today: A Simple Framework
- Ep. 061 | Have Time, or Time Will Have You: Escape Regret and Create a Life You're Proud Of
Unless you’re completely deluded or hiding under a rock, you know that life is hard. On the whole, it’s a series of challenges, crises, and steep learning curves punctuated by brief periods of relative peace and ease. That’s why all of us need to hear the very simple, highly-underrated, and completely unsexy message I’m offering you today. Unglamorous though it may be, it’s a key to living a life we’ll be outrageously proud of when we die.
The Message
Keep going.
That’s my message for you today. Profound and sexy, right?
When work is kicking your butt…Keep Going.
When you’re passed over for a promotion…Keep Going.
When your New Year’s resolve is running out…Keep Going.
When things at home are stressful…Keep Going.
When your kids are choosing destructive paths…Keep Going.
When your relationship with your grown son or daughter is distant and cold…Keep Going.
When your desire for a significant other remains unfulfilled…Keep Going.
When your new business venture is on the rocks…Keep Going.
When your health begins to fail you…Keep Going.
When you get a terminal diagnosis…Keep Going.
When a loved one dies…Keep Going.
When others say it can’t be done…Keep Going.
When the odds seem insurmountable…Keep Going.
When life throws you a curveball…Keep Going.
When your friends desert you…Keep Going.
When your spouse betrays you…Keep Going.
When you betray your spouse…Keep Going.
When you make a mistake…Keep Going.
When the news is filled with gloom and doom…Keep Going.
When the economy is tanking…Keep Going.
If you’re going through Hell…Keep Going, to quote the inimitable Winston Churchill.
If you’re going through heaven, enjoy it…and Keep Going.
Whatever life is like for you right now…Keep Going.
Don’t stop. Keep Going.
The Real Road to Victory
Keep Going. Stay in the game. Find a way forward. Do not give in and do not give up. You might have to find a different way forward than you anticipated. So be it. Adjust and keep going. Your original dream may have crumbled. Very well. Grieve the loss, learn the lessons, and keep going.
When all of our strategies, tactics, and lifehacks aren’t making a dent, “keep going” is all that remains. We too often look for the silver bullet and the shortcut, the smooth path to victory. But the road to victory is paved with grit, perseverance, determination, and a dogged insistence to simply keep going, no matter what. It’s paved with courage, humility, and radical responsibility.
Too many of us have forgotten that.
Chop the wood, and carry the water. Chop the wood, and carry the water.
It’s not pretty. It’s not how we might like it to be. But it is Reality. Better to align with Reality than deny it and compound our misery.
Keep Going…with Purpose and Flexibility
“Keep Going” isn’t a call to purposeless, directionless movement without reflection, intention, or forethought. Sometimes, “keep going” can mean pausing to refresh, reflect, and regroup. But don’t stay there, get stuck there, or get lulled into complacency. Rouse yourself to action again based upon the Insights gained during your pause to refresh, reflect, and regroup, and keep going. Insight + Action = Transformation. Wash, rinse, repeat. It’s simple, but it ain’t easy. So shoulders back, head up, eyes open, and with a heart full of courage and humility, take your next step forward.
“Keep Going” also isn’t encouragement to keep doing self-destructive things or keep doing the same thing expecting different results.
When going in one direction isn’t getting the results you want, keep going, but try a different direction. No matter what, though, keep going, and don’t stop.
Get the Help You Need to Keep Going
If you need help to keep going, practice radical self-responsibility and get the help you need. Maybe you need help getting going in the first place, much less keeping going. Fret not: It’s part of the human condition to find ourselves completely stuck sometimes. Even better, stuckness is a necessary and sacred place full of potential energy and learning just waiting to be realized. Tune in to episodes 27 and 28, a two-part series on Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate, to begin getting unstuck and moving forward again today.
Some Good News!
Here’s some really good news: We only ever have to keep going for one day. Today is all we’ve got. Tomorrow never comes. Jesus said not to worry about tomorrow. Today has enough troubles of its own. And none of us by worrying can add a day to our lives. Whatever you may think of Jesus, that’s some solid advice.
Here’s more good news: Bottomless reservoirs of motivation to keep going are available to all of us all the time. Simply remember that you are going to die. One day–maybe even one day soon–you will draw your last breath. But you’re not dead yet. In that light, nothing is more precious than this very moment. Tune in to episode 73 to learn how to cultivate this Mortality Mindset.
Keep going.
These APiD Episodes Will Help You Keep Going, Too
Get the antidote to fear, dread, and timid living in episode 50. In episode 57, learn what to do when life throws you a curveball. Learn how to make the most of today in episode 58.
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
The Graveyard Group: Get Going and Keep Going
None of us, no matter how strong or how extraordinary, can keep going all the time on our own. Nor would that be ideal even if we could. We need help from others.
The Graveyard Group gives you your own personal, confidential board of advisors with whom to consult and collaborate on a weekly basis. The Mortality Mindset energizes your work together. Together, you keep going, step by step, week by week, giving the things that matter most the attention they deserve in pursuit of a life you’ll be outrageously proud of when you die.
Break free from the status quo, become the person you were made to be, and live the life you were made to live.
New groups for men and women are forming now. To learn more, visit my website to schedule a free session with me, find me on Facebook, Instagram or LinkedIn, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 027 | Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate: A Path to Transformation
- Ep. 028 | Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate (Part 2): The 5 Ingredients in the Recipe for Using Stuckness to Our Benefit, with Chad James
- Ep. 050 | Seize the Offensive: An Antidote to Fear, Dread, and Timid Living
- Ep. 057 | What to Do When Life Throws You a Curveball: Notes from the Field
- Ep. 058 | How to Make the Most of Today: A Simple Framework
- Ep. 073 | The Mortality Mindset: A New Way in the New Year to Make New Things a Reality
On Mother's Day 2020, with COVID beginning its inexorable march around the globe, Alison Zimmerman got the news that her dad was being rushed into emergency brain surgery after an ER visit for a headache took a dramatic turn. Her dad survived the surgery to wake up to no peripheral vision, short-term memory loss, disorientation in time and space, and a terminal glioblastoma diagnosis.
Alison swung into action right away, first by being there for her dad's initial recovery from surgery and then by relocating indefinitely from her home here in Steamboat Springs to be with her dad for the duration of his cancer battle. A battle that included COVID-induced isolation in the hospital and being treated by medical staff in hazmat suits, two months' recovery from surgery, aggressive radiation and chemo treatments, and a Gran Mal seizure that nearly killed him.
After about a year of fighting the cancer, an MRI revealed that the tumor was growing. The medical community discontinued treatment, and Alison cared for her dad until his death in March 2022, just 10 months ago as of this recording.
In this episode, Alison digs deep to share how the crucible of suffering and loss that she endured with her dad is changing her. So listen closely. Alison has grappled with Death and returned, bearing hard-won gifts of clarity and wisdom for all of us. How can her experience with Death change how you live?
Meet Alison Zimmerman
Alison is a creative at heart and a veteran of the hospitality industry who specializes in curated experiences and event design, from 1-1 partnerships to festivals. Her company, Wise Aspirations, creates containers that inspire expression, expansion, collaboration, and healing. As you'll hear, her experience with her dad's death has focused her understanding of her purpose in the world more sharply than ever before.
Highlights From the Conversation
- What matters more to Alison now after her ordeal with her dad
- What matters less to Alison now after her ordeal with her dad
- The everyday utility of contemplating your and your loved ones’ deaths
- How suffering leads us to serve
- Emotional expression as strength
- The important of connection to our Legacy
- How Pain can reveal our Purpose
- How Pain helps us overcome our Ego
- The importance of facing the Truth
Making It Matter in Your Life
What stuck with you from Alison's Story? Pause for a few moments. Allow your mind to quiet down and your heart to bring to the surface the one or two things from this conversation that are especially for you. As Alison exhorted us, "don't turn your head away from the Truth." Whatever your heart whispers to you in response to this episode, even if it's unpleasant or unwelcome, don't turn away from it. Instead, summon the courage to acknowledge it. Then, write it down so it becomes just a bit more real. Do that right now.
Now...What's one thing, no matter how small, that you are willing and able to do to put one of your Insights into Action? Insight + Action = Transformation. By when will you do it?
Let Alison's story change yours--let the Mortality Mindset change you--before a crisis of your own makes it too late.
Remember: You are going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Exchange Willpower for “We-power” in a Graveyard Group
In the Graveyard Group, swap out willpower for "we-power" with the weekly support of your very own confidential board of advisors. Harness the power of the Mortality Mindset to break free from the status quo, become the person you were made to be, and live the life you were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon.
New groups for men and women are forming now. To learn more, schedule a free one-hour coaching session with me, find me on Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Let’s Connect
If this episode helped you, I'd love to know. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Alison
Email | Instagram | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 001 | You're Dying: How to Make the Most of It
- Ep. 008 | More Alive Than Ever: How Pain Points the Way to Purpose
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
What new things do you have in mind for this new year? Maybe you want to tackle a new professional challenge. Maybe you want to pay more attention to your health. Maybe you want to dial back your intensity at work to make more time for family and friends.
Whatever your new things are this year, how will you make them a reality? At the very least, how will you ensure that you’ll be able to say that you gave it your best shot?
All of us are familiar with getting a strong start out of the gate–fueled by fresh inspiration and determination–but then fading somewhere along the way. Our willpower runs out. It’s discouraging and can be genuinely perplexing.
“I really wanted to make that change,” we reflect regretfully to ourselves. “What happened?!”
Let this be the year that you say goodbye to the demoralizing cycle of abandoned objectives and replace it with a new capacity for focus, perseverance, and tenacity that gets you where you want to go.
Some of the prevailing wisdom out there tells us that we need to create better goals, manage our time more effectively, develop better morning routines, get more sleep, get up earlier, make sure you do a cold plunge and a sauna every day, and keep a journal, to name a few. Those are all well and good and doubtless have their time and place. But they also depend upon our finite reserves of inspiration and determination–resources that haven’t been adequate so far. What leads us to believe that our willpower will suddenly be up to the task this go-round?
We need something more primal, more compelling, and more reliable. Something that we just can’t get around or ignore, even if we try.
That’s what I’m going to give you today by sharing a simple message, a transformational mindset, and the practical means by which to apply the message and the mindset in the real world.
The Message
First, here’s the message. It’s short and sweet: You are going to die.
Here it is a little differently: You ARE going to die.
And one more time: YOU are going to die.
It’s not a matter of IF; it’s just a matter of WHEN and HOW.
Wake up.
Say this with me: “I am going to die. It’s not a matter of if; it’s just a matter of when and how.”
Most of us pay little attention to the reality of our Mortality. Some of us aggressively avoid thinking about it. There’s something deep inside of us that recoils at the thought and actively resists it. And in the absence of a personal encounter with Mortality, the comforts and conveniences of modern life simply distract us from the reality of our Mortality.
But all of us will one day be forced to confront it.
My experience has convinced me that avoiding the reality of our Mortality does us much more harm than good. It’s also convinced me that voluntarily confronting our Mortality is a key to living the life we were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon and dying with no regrets.
The Mindset
So, the mindset I want to share with you is a way to transform your Mortality from an unpleasant reality that you avoid like the plague into the most powerful motivator you’ve ever had to create a life you’re proud of.
I call it the Mortality Mindset.
First, I’ll share a few snapshots from my story to show how this message and this mindset have changed my life. Then I’ll explain what the Mortality Mindset is and the practical means by which to apply it in your life.
Snapshot 1: A Descent into Hell
25 years ago, I was a recent college grad, and after years of on-and-off, low-grade anxiety, my psychology had reached a perilous tipping point. I had been a gold-star kid all the way through college, but I now found myself aimless–without a plan, without an overarching purpose, and unable to find a way forward. Depression was beginning to sink its talons into me. Then, I began to experience some vague but persistent physical symptoms.
My doctor wasn’t able to provide a clear diagnosis, and I suddenly found myself in the grips of severe, debilitating, and all-consuming anxiety–specifically about catastrophic health events and Mortality. My psychology had been pushed beyond its limits, and I was in a full-blown mental health crisis.
No more a young man with the world as his oyster, I was now a young man clinging to his sanity by the thinnest of threads. At one point, it dawned upon me that I would rather die than go on living if relief from the psychological anguish didn’t arrive soon.
Snapshot 2: A New Lease on Life
Fast forward 14 years to 2012.
Over the years, I had slowly and painfully found a way forward. I’d even gotten married, and my wife and I now had two young boys. Unfortunately, though, I’d let myself go physically and had picked up some unhealthy ways of trying to cope. I was 60 lbs. overweight, abusing alcohol, and smoking heavily.
Then, in 2012, my brother-in-law got a bleak cancer diagnosis and began a three-year cancer battle that, sadly, ended in his death in 2015. As I watched him undergo excruciating and ultimately unsuccessful surgeries and treatments, I literally and figuratively looked down at my gut and realized that even though I wasn’t in control of when I died, I certainly wasn’t doing what I could to stay alive.
I was gripped with a white-hot motivation to do whatever it took to get healthy again so I had a better chance of being around for my family as long as possible.
Staring death in the face through my brother-in-law’s experience instantly clarified what was most important to me and supplied the will to act on it.
It was the ultimate status quo-buster.
For the first time, awareness of my Mortality was an asset rather than just a neurotic and crippling liability.
Within a year, I was back to my fighting weight. I was on a completely new path of health and wellness, and the depression that had lurked annoyingly in the back of my mind for so long had vanished. Anxiety was still an unwelcome companion, but I was now a man in motion, not just a deer caught in the headlights.
The momentum created by that tragic involuntary encounter with Mortality ultimately led to a major life renovation, our move out here to CO in 2014, and the professional path that I’m on today. Its effects are still unfolding.
Take a moment to reflect on this question: How has an experience with Mortality impacted you?
Snapshot 3: My Ally, Anxiety
About four years ago, I reached a new level of exasperation with the Anxiety. All my years of trying to make it go away had been unsuccessful. One day, in desperation, in my mind’s eye I turned around to face the Anxiety–this unwelcome, uninvited, and tenacious hitchhiker in my psychology. And I said, “If you aren’t going to go away, then what are you here for?”
That desperation-driven moment of surrender and acceptance transformed the Anxiety from a hated enemy into an unlikely ally.
I had begun my work as a coach by this point. Thanks to my newfound acceptance of Anxiety’s place in my life, I had begun to wonder how my particular fixation on catastrophic health events and Mortality might be of use in my coaching work. I was certainly susceptible to thinking about Mortality too much. But I began to wonder: What if most other people thought about their Mortality too little–and as a result were twiddling their thumbs on the way to a regret-filled grave?
From seemingly out of nowhere, the words “The Graveyard Group” sprang to mind, and I immediately sensed that there was something to it. In January 2019, the first Graveyard Group was formed. Today, Graveyard Groups members courageously and voluntarily tap into the power of their mortality each week to live with guts, gusto, and abandon and escape death-bed regrets. More on Graveyard Groups later.
In 2020, I launched this podcast to share Mortality’s unmatched motivational power with a larger audience.
Snapshot 4: My Friend, Mortality
In the 3+ years that Mortality has had a central role in the way that I help people, it’s also become clear that it’s healing me. My once-bitter enemy, Mortality, has actually become a valued friend. Consistent voluntary consideration of my Mortality through The Graveyard Groups and the podcast has been a sort of exposure therapy. Through consistent, voluntary exposure, I’ve gotten braver. Today, I’m the boss of the Anxiety more than it is of me.
Nothing has ever given me that much authority over the Anxiety before.
It’s more than just an antidote for Anxiety, though, as significant as that is; I’m more alive today than I’ve ever been before. I’m living more boldly than ever before. I’m more ME than I’ve ever been before. The things that matter most get more of the attention they deserve than ever before.
If I died today, I would be proud of the life I lived.
And I have Death to thank for it.
This is the Mortality Mindset in action.
Personal Reflection
Here are a couple questions for your own reflection:
- On a scale of 0-10, and you can’t pick 5, if you died today, how proud would you be of the life you’ve lived?
- If you died today, what’s one thing you would regret?
But What is the Mortality Mindset, Exactly?
I’ve described how the Mortality Mindset has become part of my life and how it’s impacted me. But what IS the Mortality Mindset, exactly?
Simply put, the Mortality Mindset is the voluntary integration of awareness of your Mortality into your daily life.
It creates the transformational impact of a real encounter with Mortality without the trauma and tragedy of one–and while there’s still time left to do something about it. It clarifies what’s most important to us and motivates us to give it the attention it deserves NOW, rather than waiting for the ever-elusive “tomorrow” or “someday.” It gives us the extra nudge we need to pursue a dream, to take a risk, to have the conversation we know we need to have.
It provides a more compelling and reliable source of motivation than our finite, fickle, and fragile willpower.
The Mortality Mindset is NOT normal. Those who embrace it are swimming upstream against their own innate tendencies and the prevailing tendencies of the culture we live in. It is rare, heroic, and life-affirming work.
How Do I Use the Mortality MIndset in My Own Life?
To use the Mortality Mindset, one must Cultivate it.
Farmers don’t plant a seed one day and expect a fully mature crop the next. They plant the seed, water and fertilize it, and manage weeds over weeks and months in order to produce a crop. They cultivate their crop with care and consistency over time. The same is true of the Mortality Mindset. It must be cultivated with care and consistency over time, too.
Each of us is different and has a different pre-existing relationship with Mortality, so there isn’t a one-size-fits-all list of steps that each of us has to take to cultivate the Mortality Mindset. There are no shortcuts, either. But here are some examples of things we can do:
- Die on Paper Before You Die for Real: Write your own obituary as if you’ve lived a life you’d be proud of. Be as specific as possible, and you get to choose when and how you die. Then, ask yourself what needs to change now in order for that obituary to have a chance at becoming a reality. With your Mortality as motivation, summon the courage to take action NOW on at least one of the things that needs to change. Revisit and revise your obituary occasionally, and take new action.
- Set Your Date of Death and Work Backwards from There by asking yourself this question and taking bold action on your answer: If I knew I was going to die 5 years from today, what would I start doing differently today?
- Make this podcast part of your routine, and resolve to do at least one thing in the real world–no matter how small–with a takeaway from each episode you listen to.
- Join a Graveyard Group so that voluntary awareness of your Mortality is built into your calendar each week.
- Create an intentional partnership with a friend, colleague, or coach for the specific purpose of cultivating and using the Mortality Mindset.
- Visit the old and dying to remind yourself of how quickly time flies and glean valuable lessons from their experience.
- Commune With the Dead by making occasional visits to your local cemetery. Read the tombstones, and reflect on the fact that you too will share the same fate as those buried there.
Just like a farmer’s crop wilts and dies from neglect, so does the Mortality Mindset. Many of the guests on my podcast who have had extraordinary encounters with Mortality–people for whom you’d think the Mortality Mindset was now hardwired because of their experience–say that their awareness of Mortality fades over time. If it fades for them, how much more will it fade for us who haven’t had the same kind of experiences if we don’t tend to it diligently?
How Will I Know If I’m Using the Mortality Mindset Effectively?
A soybean farmer knows he’s successfully cultivated a soybean crop when soybeans appear on the plants.
Here are some of the ways you’ll know you’re successfully cultivating the Mortality Mindset:
- You intentionally live in one-day increments, acknowledging that today is all we have.
- You make daily decisions about how to spend your time and energy with your Mortality in mind…
- You give the things that matter most more of the attention that they deserve NOW. For example, you prioritize relationships over tasks and cherish the mundane moments with family and friends.
- You value imperfect action now over “perfect” action tomorrow.
- You find yourself having to summon fresh courage more often in order to open up new personal and professional frontiers for yourself.
What evidence do you find in your life that the Mortality Mindset is already at work?
To Sum Up…
Alright, let’s land the plane.
Don’t rely on your finite, fickle, and fragile willpower to help you make the new things you have in mind this year a reality. Don’t pin all your hopes on today’s prevailing wisdom about how to achieve your goals, either. Reliance on willpower and prevailing wisdom just perpetuates the demoralizing cycle of abandoned objectives. Instead, dig deeper for a more primal, more compelling, and more reliable source of motivation: Cultivate the Mortality Mindset to acquire a new capacity for focus, perseverance, and tenacity that gets you where you want to go.
Year after year until the day that you die, the Mortality Mindset will empower you to live with guts, gusto, and abandon and give the things that matter most the attention they deserve before it’s too late.
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
The Graveyard Group: Exchange Willpower for “We-power”
No matter how compelling the motivation, we still can’t do it alone. In the Graveyard Group, you not only have a consistent time and place to cultivate the Mortality Mindset, you also swap out willpower for the vastly superior “we-power.” With the support of your very own confidential board of advisors, break free from the status quo, become the person you were made to be, and live the life you were made to live.
New groups for men and women are forming now. To learn more, schedule a free one-hour coaching session with me, or find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- 001 | You're Dying: How to Make the Most of It
- 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- 046 | How Death is Bringing Me to Life: The Top 4 Ways That the Mortality Mindset has Changed Me
In episode 070, Forward, Pioneer!: Why the "Frontier" is the Best Place to Be, I asserted that we humans are made for the Frontier and the Frontier is made for us. To shrink back from it is to do ourselves and everyone around us much more harm than good. It's a short solo episode, and if you haven't listened to it yet, hit pause on this one and cue up that one. It's a perfect appetizer for today's main course.
Because today, we get a report from the Frontier from one of my favorite Pioneers, my friend Kris Reeves. This episode is episode 70 with skin on, so to speak, and it will encourage and equip you to take your next steps into the Frontier that's calling to you.
Meet Kris Reeves
I met Kris a couple of years ago in one of those small-world, technology-enabled moments of serendipity. He was researching real estate in my local Steamboat Springs market and came across my wife's Instagram business account. Kris and Charis connected, somehow I got looped in, and it quickly became evident that Kris and I had a lot in common and a lot to talk about. It's been a pleasure to watch his Frontier Story unfold since then. About 5 weeks ago, Kris called on the first weekday in almost two decades that he wasn't reporting to his corporate job. He was calling to celebrate that he'd burned the ships and fully committed to his new professional Frontier. Immediately, I knew I wanted to share his story, and Kris has been kind enough to oblige.
Once you get to know Kris, though, I think you'll agree that he wasn't just doing me a favor. Helping others become Pioneers in their own right is part of his calling in life.
Kris is Birmingham, AL born-and-raised, and his accent is music to my ears as a native Southeasterner myself. After almost 20 years in HVAC distribution and manufacturing, Kris and his wife, Jennifer, responded to the call of their next Frontier to invest in commercial real estate--self-storage, to be exact. They've had remarkable success in a remarkably short period of time. As Kris will attest, though, the apparent "overnight success" of Peak Storage Group, LLC was carried on the shoulders of years of preparation behind the scenes.
Highlights From This Conversation
- How to discover your next Frontier.
- What it takes to break the power of the Status Quo and enter your new Frontier.
- How summoning the courage to enter your new Frontier not only changes you–it changes the world.
- How to cultivate the Pioneer mindset.
- The key to turning your dreams into reality.
- And more…
The Mortality Mindset Will Propel You Into Your New Frontier
In this Chapter of his Story, Kris' Frontier is a new professional path. But Frontiers in our lives come in all shapes and sizes and flavors. Maybe the Frontier calling to you right now has to do with your health or a relationship or a besetting fear. Some of you know exactly what Frontier is beckoning. Others of you aren't sure at all or are actively avoiding even the slightest suggestion of a Frontier. But one thing is true of all of you: There IS a new Frontier with your name on it.
This is where the unmatched status-quo-busting power of the Mortality Mindset shines. If you knew you were going to die exactly 5 years from today, what Frontier would you venture into TODAY? Whatever your answer is, summon the courage right now to take your first steps toward it. "Tomorrow" never comes, but Death is inevitable. Don't die gazing upon your Frontier from afar. Instead, die exploring it with guts, gusto, and abandon.
And if you're already in your new Frontier...keep going!
Trusted Partners for Your Pioneering Journey
Pioneering journeys are best undertaken with trusted, competent companions. That's precisely why I created the Graveyard Group.
With your own confidential board of advisors in a small group setting, you break the power of the status quo and boldly forge ahead into the Frontiers that are important to you. You rob Death of deathbed regrets even as you use it to motivate you.
New groups for men and women are launching in January, led by a fantastic team of facilitators.
Take control of your Destiny. See if the Graveyard Group is right for you. Visit andrewpettycoach.com to learn more.
See You In January, Lord Willin’ and the Creek Don’t Rise!
I'm taking a creative break in December, so the next episode will air on Monday, January 9--Lord willin' and the creek don't rise. In the meantime, I wish all of you the very best of holiday seasons. In the midst of the hustle and bustle, give the things that matter most the attention they deserve. Hug the ones you love and tell them how much they mean to you.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Let’s Connect
I help men and women uncover what they really want in life and go after it with guts, gusto, and abandon. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Kris
Email | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 070 | Forward, Pioneer!: Why the "Frontier" is the Best Place to Be
- Ep. 061 | Have Time, or Time Will Have You: Escape Regret and Create a Life You're Proud Of
- Ep. 054 | Live Life in Full Color: Lessons from the Limits of Human Ability, with Extreme Adventurer Doug Tumminello
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
“...So fire cremation, we really think, okay, somebody dies and, poof, they’re ash. But what happens is the body gets put in an oven, which is known as a retort. There's an open flame that's at about 1800 degrees. It's got a five-inch pipe that feeds the fuel into the fire. So it has a very high carbon footprint. It uses as much gas as a cross country road trip. And the body's tissues are burned away. Fat is popping, and it's cooking the body. And then after about two hours what's left is bone, which is filled with fossil fuel and burned. So it's devoid of any nutrients. And then it's put through something that's called a cremulator, which is basically a pulverizer. And that's what you get back–pulverized bone that we call ash.” -Jamie Sarche, Director of Pre-planning at Feldman Mortuary
How did those words hit you? Were you shocked, a little disgusted or even offended? Did it pique your curiosity? Did it hit close to home because a loved one has recently died? Whatever your first response was, take note of it, and keep reading.
Meet Jamie Sarche
Jamie Sarche helps people create end-of-life plans before the end of their life is actually upon them. Jamie helps us demystify death and dismantle our own residual death denial by taking us behind the scenes of a mortuary, connecting the dots between end-of-life preparedness and grief, making ancient Death and grief traditions relevant again, giving us an end-of-life planning toolkit, and making a compelling case for end-of-life preparations as an essential personal rite of passage.
Highlights From This Conversation
- What actually happens when a body is cremated, and why it’s important for you to know
- The vital connection between end-of-life preparedness, grief, and personal empowerment
- What ancient Death and grief traditions have to teach us today
- How to create your own end-of-life planning toolkit
- Why end-of-life preparations are an essential personal rite of passage
How This Episode Affected Me
If you've tuned in much recently, you know that rites of passage are very much on my heart and mind right now. Episodes 60 and 69 tell more of that tale. Among the many things that stuck with me from this conversation with Jamie, the significance of end-of-life preparations as an important personal rite of passage is top of the list. By voluntarily undergoing this rite of passage, we deal a mighty blow to our denial of Death and empower ourselves to live with even more guts, gusto, and abandon, and give the gift of less complicated grief to the loved ones we'll leave behind. I've already set the ball in motion to complete end-of-life plans for me and my wife.
Make This Episode Matter in Your Life
Take a moment and breathe. Allow your heart and mind to bring to your attention the things from today's episode that are especially relevant to you. If it's a welcome Insight, receive it with joy and gratitude. If it's a less welcome Insight, but one that you know you needed nonetheless, receive it with courage and gratitude. Next, determine how you will pair your Insight with Action to move toward Transformation. Insight + Action = Transformation. What's one thing within your ability to control that you're able and willing to do between now and when the next episode of this show drops in two weeks? Whatever that thing is, commit to it, and do everything in your power to fulfill that commitment.
For some extra motivation and inspiration, tune into Ep. 064, End-of-Life Planning: Why You Should Do It Now, and How, with Michelle Mathai. Her story is both tragedy and triumph--a compelling case study in the value of making your plans now, while you still can.
The Graveyard Group: Demystify Death, and Live!
I created The Graveyard Group to give us all a concrete, consistent way to demystify Death, dismantle our death denial, and harness Mortality's incomparable motivational power to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. With your own confidential board of advisors in a small group setting, you give the things that matter most the attention they deserve, before it's too late.
It's easier to stick with the status quo...until suddenly, it isn't, when crisis hits and there's no more time for do-overs. Don't let the status quo get the best of you. Tap into Mortality's status-quo busting power, instead. See if the Graveyard Group is right for you.
New groups for men and women are launching in January, led by a fantastic team of facilitators. Go Here to learn more.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Let’s Connect
To learn more about how I can help you live your one-and-only life with even more guts, gusto, and abandon, ind me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Jamie
Email | LinkedIn | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 052 | What Matters Most: A Transformative Conversation with the Rev. Dr. Nicole McDonald
- Ep. 056 | Ignore at Your Own Risk: How Your Relationship with Death Affects Your Quality of Life, with Dr. Frederic Tate
- Ep. 064 | End-of-Life Planning: Why You Should Do It Now, and How, with Michelle Mathai
“...So fire cremation, we really think, okay, somebody dies and, poof, they’re ash. But what happens is the body gets put in an oven, which is known as a retort. There's an open flame that's at about 1800 degrees. It's got a five-inch pipe that feeds the fuel into the fire. So it has a very high carbon footprint. It uses as much gas as a cross country road trip. And the body's tissues are burned away. Fat is popping, and it's cooking the body. And then after about two hours what's left is bone, which is filled with fossil fuel and burned. So it's devoid of any nutrients. And then it's put through something that's called a cremulator, which is basically a pulverizer. And that's what you get back–pulverized bone that we call ash.” -Jamie Sarche, Director of Pre-planning at Feldman Mortuary
How did those words hit you? Were you shocked, a little disgusted or even offended? Did it pique your curiosity? Did it hit close to home because a loved one has recently died? Whatever your first response was, take note of it, and keep reading.
Meet Jamie Sarche
Jamie Sarche helps people create end-of-life plans before the end of their life is actually upon them. Jamie helps us demystify death and dismantle our own residual death denial by taking us behind the scenes of a mortuary, connecting the dots between end-of-life preparedness and grief, making ancient Death and grief traditions relevant again, giving us an end-of-life planning toolkit, and making a compelling case for end-of-life preparations as an essential personal rite of passage.
Highlights From This Conversation
- What actually happens when a body is cremated, and why it’s important for you to know
- The vital connection between end-of-life preparedness, grief, and personal empowerment
- What ancient Death and grief traditions have to teach us today
- How to create your own end-of-life planning toolkit
- Why end-of-life preparations are an essential personal rite of passage
How This Episode Affected Me
If you've tuned in much recently, you know that rites of passage are very much on my heart and mind right now. Episodes 60 and 69 tell more of that tale. Among the many things that stuck with me from this conversation with Jamie, the significance of end-of-life preparations as an important personal rite of passage is top of the list. By voluntarily undergoing this rite of passage, we deal a mighty blow to our denial of Death and empower ourselves to live with even more guts, gusto, and abandon, and give the gift of less complicated grief to the loved ones we'll leave behind. I've already set the ball in motion to complete end-of-life plans for me and my wife.
Make This Episode Matter in Your Life
Take a moment and breathe. Allow your heart and mind to bring to your attention the things from today's episode that are especially relevant to you. If it's a welcome Insight, receive it with joy and gratitude. If it's a less welcome Insight, but one that you know you needed nonetheless, receive it with courage and gratitude. Next, determine how you will pair your Insight with Action to move toward Transformation. Insight + Action = Transformation. What's one thing within your ability to control that you're able and willing to do between now and when the next episode of this show drops in two weeks? Whatever that thing is, commit to it, and do everything in your power to fulfill that commitment.
For some extra motivation and inspiration, tune into Ep. 064, End-of-Life Planning: Why You Should Do It Now, and How, with Michelle Mathai. Her story is both tragedy and triumph--a compelling case study in the value of making your plans now, while you still can.
The Graveyard Group: Demystify Death, and Live!
I created The Graveyard Group to give us all a concrete, consistent way to demystify Death, dismantle our death denial, and harness Mortality's incomparable motivational power to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. With your own confidential board of advisors in a small group setting, you give the things that matter most the attention they deserve, before it's too late.
It's easier to stick with the status quo...until suddenly, it isn't, when crisis hits and there's no more time for do-overs. Don't let the status quo get the best of you. Tap into Mortality's status-quo busting power, instead. See if the Graveyard Group is right for you.
New groups for men and women are launching in January, led by a fantastic team of facilitators. Go Here to learn more.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Let’s Connect
To learn more about how I can help you live your one-and-only life with even more guts, gusto, and abandon, ind me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Jamie
Email | LinkedIn | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 052 | What Matters Most: A Transformative Conversation with the Rev. Dr. Nicole McDonald
- Ep. 056 | Ignore at Your Own Risk: How Your Relationship with Death Affects Your Quality of Life, with Dr. Frederic Tate
- Ep. 064 | End-of-Life Planning: Why You Should Do It Now, and How, with Michelle Mathai
What comes to mind when you hear the word “frontier?” Covered wagons? Lewis and Clark? Space–the “final frontier,” for all you Trekkies out there? Danger, uncertainty, a place to avoid? Or how about excitement, discovery, a place to seek?
In this modern age, the Frontier is neither an idea nor a reality with much apparent relevance or appeal. Most of us tread well-worn paths that lead to familiar destinations in our day-to-day lives.
That, my friend, is a problem, because we were made for the Frontier, and the Frontier was made for us. We are tapping into the fullness of our humanity when we push into uncharted territory. And whether we like it or not, ALL of us will be forced to encounter new Frontiers in one way or another many times in our lives. We might as well be ready for it.
Let’s become seasoned Pioneers.
Divine Intervention
“God, help. I have no idea what to do. Help me. Please.”
I was on my knees on the floor in what used to be our home office. I was at my wit’s end. A work situation was stretching me well beyond my abilities, and I was stuck and scared. I think I’ve only prayed a handful of truly honest prayers in my life. Not because I ever intentionally set out to utter dishonest prayers, but rather because until I’m truly hard-pressed, until I really feel like my back is up against the wall, I often utter prayers from the head rather than the heart. A prayer that conveys, in essence, “God, I’m working on this thing, but thought I’d loop you in just in case you have anything to offer.” Maybe you can relate to that. On this occasion, though, my prayer was an honest prayer of genuine desperation.
Lest you’re tempted to think of me as any more spiritual than is warranted, I have to confess that my phone was on the floor next to me. Because, heaven forbid, what if I missed a game-changing notification of some sort while I was communing with the Divine?! But, as they say, God works in mysterious ways, because as I uttered my desperate prayer, my phone buzzed to announce the arrival of a text. And yes, I checked to see who it was from. “Hang on, God, be right back with you.”
It was from my dad who, as it happened, knew I was in the middle of a really challenging situation.
“You will meet God on the frontiers of your own ability,” his text began. “That’s where He’s waiting for you. Not short of that, or out beyond that where you think you “should” be or you wish you were.”
“Thx, Dad,” I wrote back, with tears of relief rolling down my cheeks and stunned by the way the truth of his words penetrated my heart. “Encouraging and timely. I’m definitely feeling like I’m on the frontier and disoriented. I was on my knees praying when you texted. Thank you.”
“Then go with confidence,” was his simple response. “God is with you.”
The Best Place to Be
Go with confidence?
Go with confidence. God is with you.
Though the terrain wasn’t any more familiar or any less menacing than before, and the stakes still felt impossibly high, this Frontier was now the best possible place to be rather than a place from which to escape as soon as possible.
In an instant, my relationship with this particular Frontier was transformed. So was my relationship with the Frontier in general.
On the frontiers of my ability, I now saw more clearly, God comes alongside to help me take the next steps. It’s not as if he’s not with me when I’m operating within my established zone of competence, exactly; it’s just that his intervention isn’t needed because I’m already up to the task. And far be it from God to be over-responsible and coddling, as we humans are often tempted to be. So, He waits for us out on the bleeding edges of our ability, eager to supply what we need in order to expand our frontiers even farther. The perfect Father. I want to be where God is bringing all of His mighty power to my aid as often as I can be.
My relationship with the discomfort that the Frontier inevitably brings was overhauled, too. Fear, uncertainty, and disorientation are all normal responses to the Frontier. In fact, they’re like indicators on our personal dashboard, notifying us that we’re approaching unfamiliar territory. Or, they might be indicating that we’re actually approaching a familiar border of Frontier territory into which we’ve never been willing to venture. We just keep bumping up against its borders and retreating as soon as we make contact. As a result, it has remained hostile and unsettled–a barrier to our forward progress.
Now, though, I’m more able to see fear, uncertainty, and disorientation as potentially positive signs that I’m venturing into growth territory rather than warning signs that there’s a deadly waterfall ahead. I can say to myself, “Hey, looks like you’re scared and disoriented. You must be operating on the frontiers of your own ability. Good work. Stick with it. And remember: God is with you, so go with confidence.”
In short, I’m becoming a more seasoned Pioneer.
If you share a spiritual orientation similar to mine, then you may already have derived some fresh comfort and motivation from what I’ve shared thus far–especially if my account has helped you realize that YOU are operating on the frontiers of your own ability right now. But even if you don’t have a similar spiritual orientation, it’s still true that the Frontier–far from a place of peril and woe to be avoided at all costs–is actually the BEST place to be.
What Makes the Frontier the Best Place to Be?
So what makes the Frontier the BEST place to be? Why would we put in the work to become a more seasoned Pioneer?
First, whether you find yourself there voluntarily or involuntarily, operating on the frontiers of our own abilities fortifies us against the many perils of this life. It’s the metaphorical weight room of our lives, where we add more weight to the bar. Additional weight adds more resistance, and repeated attempts to overcome that resistance give us greater strength, resilience, and adaptability in the face of life’s many perils. By contrast and by definition, the complacency and atrophy that come from only ever operating within our abilities are existential threats. Whenever possible, then, voluntarily open up new Frontiers in your life so that you’re better prepared for the involuntary Frontiers that Life will inevitably bring your way.
Secondly, operating on the frontiers of our own abilities helps us find our unique Path in the world. You are on the offensive, deploying a spirit of voluntary exploration, seeing “what’s out there,” so to speak, rather than hoping that “what’s out there” will come find you. You are creating your own storyline within the ancient tale of human exploration and adventure. When we test ourselves on the Frontier, we come to understand more clearly the kind of human we are and what our ideal operating conditions are like. We also come to understand more clearly what kind of human we are NOT and what our adverse operating conditions are like.
As we begin to travel our unique Path in life, we begin to fulfill purposes along that Path that are uniquely ours to fulfill. We take our place in the world and in the grand Story of humankind. You are wind in the sails of the human enterprise rather than an anchor holding it back.
Thirdly, in time, new Frontiers become settled territory. They are no longer the realm of the unknown but get enfolded into the realm of the Known. They define the new borders of your expanded zone of competence. From those new borders, you can venture into new Frontiers that were once well beyond your reach. In addition to greater personal strength and the fulfillment that comes from treading your own Path, you now have more power and influence to wield for the world’s good.
Become a Seasoned Pioneer
The Frontier is the best place to be. On the frontiers of our own ability, we get stronger, we find our unique Path in life, and we acquire more power and influence to wield for the world’s good.
We were made for the Frontier, and the Frontier was made for us. We are tapping into the fullness of our humanity when we push into uncharted territory. And whether we like it or not, ALL of us will be forced to encounter new Frontiers in one way or another many times in our lives. So we might as well be ready for it.
It’s good to become a more seasoned Pioneer?
What’s your relationship with the Frontier like? What kind of Pioneer are you? Do you consistently recoil in fear or automatically register the indicators on your dashboard as a signal to turn around? Maybe some Frontiers–at work, for example–are welcome challenges but others–at home, for example–are confusing and anxiety-provoking. Whatever your relationship with the Frontier is like, what’s just one way you could upgrade it? Start where you are, summon the courage to venture just a little bit more into the Frontier, and hold that new ground with tenacity–through all of the attending discomfort–until it becomes part of your settled territory. Then, advance again, Pioneer.
And for some extra status-quo-busting motivation, remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Companions for the Journey
Even seasoned Pioneers need a companion for the journey.
Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.. Or, enlist a group of fellow pioneers to support you in your journey by joining a Graveyard Group. New groups are forming now. Visit andrewpettycoach.com to learn more.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 059 | The Making of The Alpinist's Marc-André Leclerc: A Transformational Conversation with Marc-André's Mom, Michelle Kuipers
- Ep. 054 | Live Life in Full Color: Lessons from the Limits of Human Ability, with Extreme Adventurer Doug Tumminello
- Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
A year or so ago, I became captivated by the idea of creating rites of passage experiences for our boys when each of them turned 13--an age that to me represents the transition from childhood to young manhood. I don't remember what first turned me on to the idea. But once it took root in my heart and mind, it didn't let go. I explored the idea further through my own reading about traditional rites of passage and in a conversation with my coach, Amy Musson, in episode 060, called Rites of Passage: How Reviving Neglected Rituals Can Set you Free. I became more and more persuaded of its importance and more and more determined to make it happen for our boys. But I've dreamed big with nothing to show for it before. And in the midst of life's normal everyday demands, it would have been a lot easier NOT to do.
Long-story-short, this episode is a triumphant fist-pump: My wife and I recently pulled off our first rite of passage experience for our older son, Macgray. Today, Macgray shares what it was like for him and what it meant to him.
What’s In It For You?
Parents with kids still at home, I hope you'll listen closely to Macgray's words and be persuaded to craft a rite of passage for your kids, too, if you haven't already. Everyone else, broaden your application of this episode to any of life's other major transitions--marriage, mid-life, job changes, the death of a loved one, for example. How can ritual accompany those transitions in ways that acknowledge the incredible energy contained within them and channel it in positive ways? What collateral damage will failure to attach ritual to those transitions cause? What benefits might it bring?
What Did Macgray’s Rite of Passage Include?
Before we dive in, some insight into the specifics of Macgray's rite of passage experience will be useful. First, we created a guide that we called The Path to Your Rite of Passage. It shared a bit about the historical precedent for rites of passage and the three traditional phases--preparation, transition, and reintegration--outlined what he could expect for his own rite of passage, and clarified what would be expected of him. In the preparation phase, Macgray was expected to watch and listen to a handful of videos and podcast episodes we handpicked for him and share what he learned with us. In the transition phase--a phase characterized by mental and physical challenge--he was charged with hiking to and successfully crossing the Devil's Causeway, an exposed high-elevation ridge of rock in a nearby wildnerness area. The reintegration phase had two parts: First, a "campfire council of the elders" with me, my dad, and my father-in-law--where we read prepared letters to him of encouragement, exhortation, and instruction, and officially welcomed him into young manhood. Second, upon his return from the campfire council of the elders, a party with the whole family to welcome him back into the family as a young man. Macgray shared some reflections about his rite of passage experience with the family at that gathering, and his mom and two grandmas read their letters to him, too.
I invite you to tune in for the whole candid conversation with my firstborn son, Macgray, recorded in the comfort of his room just a day after the big party with the family, to hear what the rite of passage experience was like for him and what it meant to him. By extension, you’ll learn what role rite of passage experiences can play in your life and the lives of those you love.
The Work Has Only Just Begun
Folks, the rite of passage experience was more meaningful and rewarding than either my wife or I expected it to be. The family party was a tearful and joyful exclamation mark on the whole process. I'm SO glad we put in the time and energy to pull it all together.
The truth is, however, that Macgray didn't magically transform into a fully mature, fully responsible young man simply because he had a rite of passage experience. Nor does it insure that he will become such a man. The ritual doesn't create the reality. But it does make way for the reality. Having officially bid farewell to his childhood, intentionally encountered the emotions that come along with that goodbye, and welcomed him into young manhood, we're all reading from the same sheet of music, and the stage is set for his next developmental phase. It will be up to me and my wife to clarify what new responsibilities we expect him to fulfill, to resist the temptation to do for him what he can do for himself, and to provide new freedoms and opportunities as he demonstrates himself to be responsible and trustworthy. It's clearer to me even as I say this that we've got our work cut out for us. In a sense, it really would have been easier NOT to have gone through with the whole thing--not to have set our sights so high for him and for us. But it only would have been easier in the short-term. In the long-term, the unnecessary pain and hardship brought upon Macgray and, by extension, upon ourselves for failing to do our very best to equip him for life on his own would far outweigh the temporary convenience of not creating the rite of passage experience.
What About You?
And so I ask you: Where is ritual missing in your life? What rite of passage awaits that will make way for a new reality for you, your child, or a loved one?
You Don’t Have to Reinvent the Wheel; Borrow Mine!
I'm glad to share the rite of passage guide and share more in-depth about rites of passage and the experience we created for Macgray with anyone who's interested. You can find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 009 | Awaken Your Inner Kid to Be the Best Grown-up You Can Be: A Lighthearted and Enlightening Conversation With My 10-Year-Old Son
- Ep. 060 | Rites of Passage: How Reviving Neglected Rituals Can Set you Free, with Amy Musson
Just three years ago, in the dark of night on a battlefield in a foreign land, Army Ranger Sergeant First Class Ryan Davis was hanging on to life by the very slimmest of threads.
The tale of heroism, selfless love and courage, and perseverance in the midst of profound physical, emotional, and psychological suffering that unfolded on and after that battlefield incident is nothing short of mindblowing. It's the stuff for which Medals of Honor are awarded. In fact, Medal of Honor petitions have been submitted for individuals involved in Ryan's rescue. It's the stuff out of which new battlefield protocols and medical interventions are developed. In fact, new protocols and interventions have been developed as a result of lessons learned. And it's the stuff on which Hollywood blockbusters and award-winning documentaries are based.
In short, it's the kind of story for which I have absolutely no frame of reference, and neither do most of you, I would imagine. Ryan was pushed to the extremes of human experience and lived to tell the tale. And tell the tale he does--in this episode, for you and me.
It would be easy to spend an entire episode and then-some on the battlefield incident itself and the harrowing ups and downs of his recovery from it. But I did my best to manage my curiosity about those chapters of Ryan's story so that we could also explore what Ryan has learned on the extreme frontiers of human experience that we can integrate into our lives now--before a crisis hits or Mortality makes a surprise appearance. Because those who venture to the outer limits of human experience and return have knowledge that the rest of us need.
Today, in some of the most fundamental ways, 10-year Army Ranger veteran Ryan Davis is literally and figuratively a new man. Precisely how will become clearer as you listen to our conversation.
As you listen, though, don't fail to look for how Ryan's Story has insight that you can put into Action in your own life. Insight + Action = Transformation. Don't overlook the Transformation potential available to you in Ryan's harrowing tale--as different from your own Story as it may be.
Because no matter how different the specific circumstances of each of our Stories may be, we are all caught up in the same Big Story of humans trying to find their way through Life on Planet Earth. That's where Ryan's story and your story converge.
Tune in to the full episode for the whole story and all of Ryan’s hard-won wisdom for your life.
Highlights from This Episode
- Ryan shares a blow-by-blow account of the battlefield encounter that changes his life forever
- Ryan shares the two moments that turned the tide in his recovery.
- Ryan shows us how the body follows the mind–for better or for worse. The choice is yours.
- Ryan explains how to use our pain to propel us forward in life.
- How to transform your minutes into “moments”
- Separating your job from your Purpose
- What Ryan knows because of his experience that the rest of us need to know
- What’s most important to Ryan now
Redeeming Ryan’s Suffering In Your Own Life
"We've stared this in the eye and we've cried at it and we've screamed at it and we've fought with it and we do not fold to it."
Ryan said this in reference to how he and his son have responded to Ryan's new reality. This, my friends, is sometimes what it takes to keep moving forward in life. Resolve. Grit. An unwillingness to give in or give up, no matter what life throws at us. An unwavering determination to keep going. The spirit of a warrior.
Among many, many things, this sticks with me from Ryan's story. I want to embody and exhibit the spirit of a warrior in life--battered and bruised but undefeated to the end, triumphant in death.
What sticks with you? How will Ryan's Story change your Story for the better? Search your heart, be honest, and be specific.
Let Ryan's suffering be redeemed in the fruit that it produces in your life.
May Ryan's sacrifice be redeemed in all of our lives.
The Graveyard Group: Win on the Battlefield of Your Mind and Die With No Regrets
Don't wait to encounter your Mortality until you have to. By then, it's too late to change anything. There's no do-over.
In the Graveyard Group, you intentionally confront the reality of your Mortality to tap into its incomparable power to motivate you to give what matters most the attention it deserves NOW. You do this with the help of your own personal, confidential board of advisors. Along the way, you overcome obstacles, mend relationships, make dreams a reality, become the person you were made to be, and live the life you were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. In short, you fulfill your destiny and set the stage to die with no regrets.
New groups for men and women are forming now.
Go Here to learn more, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Let’s Connect
As your personal coach, I can help you win on the battlefield of your mind so you win on the battlefield of Life. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Ryan
Email | Instagram | Facebook
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
- Ep. 044 | Lessons from the Chair: Redefining Disability, Avoiding the Victim Cave, and the Path to Personal Power
- Ep. 051 | Risk and Reward: How to Create a Life That You Love, With Andrea Green
Serendipity. According to the Oxford Languages Dictionary, “serendipity” is “the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.”
What if it was possible to harness the power of serendipity rather than leave it all up to chance?
Finding Serendipity in Our Own Story
If we’re honest, many of the most pivotal moments of our lives are unscripted, unplanned, and unforeseen. Even if those moments exist within the context of a plan we conceived, they are never just the result of the linear unfolding of that plan according to our conscious input at every turn.
If we’re honest, the most pivotal moments rarely appear pivotal at the moment. We only see their significance clearly with the benefit of hindsight. We see in hindsight how one moment led to another and another and another, and how each of those moments led to THIS one.
They are what we call moments of serendipity.
Most importantly, if we’re honest, many of our most pivotal moments of serendipity include the unique and often unsolicited contributions of other people.
We know this to be true in movies and books. The main character encounters other characters, and that encounter alters the course of the main character’s journey. Of course the main character does things on their own that alter the course of their story, and mishaps befall them that don’t involve other people. But the storyline is influenced and advanced most profoundly because of the main characters’ interaction with other characters.
We often fail to see that the same is true in our own Story.
Serendipity in My Story
In the early 2000s–2003 to be exact, I think–I was in a season of profound personal and professional dissatisfaction and confusion. My parents were in the loop on my condition. Unsolicited, they gave me the opportunity to take an assessment called the Natural Ability Battery–a key tool I use in the work I do with 1-1 coaching clients today–so I could better understand the innate abilities that I could bring to the table in life. I took the assessment, and the results were enlightening, but I didn’t have the will or the wherewithal to operationalize the results in my life at that point. I didn’t yet have the ears to hear.
Fast forward to 2011 or thereabouts, and I was in another season of personal and professional dissatisfaction and confusion. Desperate for insights that would help me get unstuck, I dusted off my Natural Ability Battery report. But I needed a refresher on how to use the results, so I called Leslie, who first administered and interpreted the assessment for me back in 2003. I got the refresher I needed, but I got much more than that.
Unsolicited, Leslie offered to introduce me to her husband, Matt, who was a coach with a particular interest in young men like me–i.e. young men in ministry and in formation. Long-story short, Matt became my first coach. That partnership transformed my confidence and competency at home and at work, guided me through the difficult years surrounding our senior leader’s departure, and helped me and my wife Charis summon the clarity and courage to close that chapter back East and start writing a new one here in Colorado in 2014.
Fast forward a couple more years and a lot of water under the bridge, I had decided to give this coaching thing a go–-based in no small part on my experience of being coached but also on my deepening insight about the kind of human I am and the kind of work I’m meant to do in the world. Coaching seemed like a good fit.
I cast a pretty wide net at first, coaching just about anybody and everybody who was willing to be a guinea pig. Thankfully, no guinea pigs weren’t harmed in the making of this coach.
Then, again unsolicited,Leslie called to ask if I was interested in doing some leadership development work with a consulting company she’d been involved with for many years. She thought I’d be a good fit for the work, and she offered to recommend me to the company. I succeeded in securing work as an independent contractor with the company and learned a TON in the four years that I partnered with them. I also made some great professional connections with fellow independent contractors.
In fact, one of those connections, Beth Romano, tuned in to this podcast in 2021 and got inspired to live with no regrets and help others do the same. She reached out, and it soon became apparent that Beth was a great fit to spearhead the development of The Graveyard Group for women. Suddenly, my original dream of making Graveyard Groups available to everyone–a dream that frankly had dimmed for a year or so–was brought back to life.
The Golden Thread
A shimmering golden thread of serendipity that spans almost 20 years–starting with my parents in 2003 and culminating with Beth’s installment as the first facilitator for women’s Graveyard Groups. A series of unique and unsolicited contributions from people in my life were the catalysts that made it all possible.
There’s much more to the story between the moments of serendipity that stand out like luminous blips on the timeline of my life, of course. As the main character in my story, I was living and learning, succeeding and failing, responding and reacting along the way. But the golden thread of serendipity was connecting my action in the world with others’ sovereign input into my life in ways that neither I nor anyone else could ever have scripted.
There’s something wonderfully spooky going on here, with this whole serendipity thing. As you may already know if you’ve tuned in before, I see God’s hand in what we call serendipity. But you don’t have to see it the way I do to still find threads of serendipity in your own life and recognize their importance.
Pause and reflect. Where do you see a thread of serendipity in the tapestry of your Story?
How to Harness Serendipity’s Power
A very valid question at this point, however, is something like this: If serendipity can’t be scripted or planned, then how can we develop a “serendipity strategy”? How can we harness the power of serendipity rather than leave it all up to chance?
Our answer lies in the anatomy of serendipity, to spin up another metaphor. When we see more clearly that people are the primary agents of serendipity’s activity in our lives, then we can simply resolve to put people first–to prioritize time with people more highly than before.
Accept the invitation for coffee with the new neighbor. EXTEND an invitation for coffee with the new neighbor. Get involved in a civic project in your community. Join a book club.
In short, cross paths with more people on purpose, with purpose.
You probably know by now that I’m a big proponent of solitude, and plenty of it. So I don’t mean to suggest that we should frantically fill our days with people all the time. But I DO mean to suggest that if we want to tap into serendipity’s benefits even more, then intentionally putting people first on our list of priorities is the way to go.
As you put people first, do so not with a mercenary mindset–merely to get something out of it for yourself–but rather simply with the knowledge that when you put people first, you tap into serendipity’s wonderfully spooky workings in ways that can benefit both you and the other person in the days and years to come. Be as fully present with each person as you can be, bringing your best to each magically mundane moment of engagement between two people. There’s really no telling what may come of it. Cultivate that sense of wonder and anticipation.
And that, my friends, is the “serendipity strategy.”
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So harness the power of the serendipity strategy rather than leave it all up to chance, and hang on for the ride!!
Harness Serendipity’s Power in a Graveyard Group
The Graveyard Group is a one-of-a-kind way to cross paths with more people on purpose, with purpose.
In a small group setting, motivated by the reality of your Mortality, you and your very own confidential board of advisors spur one another on to live with guts, gusto, and abandon, fulfill your destinies, and die with no regrets.
New groups for men and women are forming now.
Go Here to learn more about joining a Graveyard Group, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Let’s Connect
If this episode helped you, I'd love to know. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 025 | The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code
- Ep. 050 | Seize the Offensive: An Antidote to Fear, Dread, and Timid Living
What do you need to let go of?
It’s an easy question to ask, but it can be an awfully tough one to answer. In this episode, I’ll share how an answer to this question revealed itself to me recently and the impact it’s had. I hope my experience will inspire you to begin seeking answers to this question, too.
Stopped in My Tracks
“I submit.”
The words startled me. They were my words, but they hadn’t come out of my mouth. They weren’t the expression of a thought in my head or from my heart either, exactly.
In hindsight, it seems most accurate to say that the words came from what I might call my spirit.
Somewhere deeper within me than I’m able to access consciously, from some part of me that interacts with the transcendent.
I was on one of my habitual walks down County Road 44 here in Steamboat Springs, CO. It’s a stretch of road by a river running through ranch land. It’s a stretch of road that has a meditative quality to me–not too much scenery to distract but not so little as to make it uninteresting. Few cars, very few people. Just me, the road, the breeze, the river, occasional cows, and sometimes the eerily prehistoric call of the sandhill crane couple that frequents the fields along the road.
On this particular walk, I was listening to the final cut of episode 63, Suffering, Surrender, and the Leap of Faith: How to Find Freedom on the Other Side of Letting Go to make sure it was ready to release in a few days. Carrie Chown’s astounding tale of three seismic surrenders and the freedom she’s found on the other side of letting go was washing over me when my spirit uttered those unexpected words, as if in response to Carrie’s story, and stopped me in my tracks.
“I submit.”
Submit to…?
I knew in that moment that something profound had shifted within me. In that instant, I also knew why my spirit spoke those words, specifically.
For a number of weeks leading up to that experience on County Road 44 among the cows and cranes and gurgles of the river, I’d begun to be aware of a tight-fisted, clinchy feeling–like I had a death-grip on something. I was unwilling or unable to let go of it. I wasn’t at all clear on what the “it” was that I was clinging to so tenaciously. Judging simply by the negative quality of the emotions that it produced, though, it WAS clear that clinging to it wasn’t doing me any good.
So, I’d begun to ask God a simple question: What do I need to let go of?
I repeated the question whenever it came to mind, holding the lines of communication open, so to speak, and awaiting a response.
“I submit” was my spirit’s response to the answer I received as Carrie’s story washed over me.
The answer? It was time to submit to the Author of my Story and to my place within the larger Story that surrounds me. It was time to let go of the idea that it was all up to me. The deep-seated belief that I had to get it just right, or else, was causing me to hold on too tightly to each moment, each decision, each action. It was causing me to attribute too much significance to each moment, decision, and action and keeping me from just living.
It was a call to faith–faith in God and in the structure of existence. It was a call to surrender. It was a call to let go.
I’m a Fan
That was a couple of months ago. True to form, I instinctively got nervous that the effects of that transcendent moment would wear off.
But I’m glad to report that truly transcendent moments don’t wear off that easily.
I am calmer, more at peace, and more comfortable being myself than prior to that “letting go.” I’m better able to peer into the mists of the future with curiosity and wonder than anxiety and fear because the future holds twists and turns in my Story that–even though some of them will be painful–will nevertheless contribute to the Story that God is writing with my life and in which I’m an active co-creator. I’m emboldened by the knowledge that I’m not alone and it’s not all up to me. I’m taking initiative on things in my life that I was shrinking back from before.
I’m even able to see my ongoing blood sugar challenge and its life-altering impact as a portal to new possibilities and discoveries rather than just a hurdle to clear. I share more about the blood sugar issue in Ep. 057: What to Do When Life Throws You a Curveball if you want to know more.
In short, I’m a huge fan of this whole letting go thing!
Transferable Lessons for All of Us
My story is descriptive of my experience rather than prescriptive of what yours should be, as a mentor of mine used to say. You may or may not relate to the way that I conceive of and interact with the Transcendent.
My Story serves a purpose illustratively, nonetheless.
Namely, it is good to let go of whatever is holding us back. And, if we don’t know what’s holding us back, then all we have to do is ask.
Even though my story isn’t prescriptive of yours, there are a few transferable lessons that you can put into action right away.
First, pay attention to any areas of tightness or constriction in your life. Pockets of negative and intense energy, places where there’s an underlying insistence that things be a certain way.
Next, simply pose the question, “What do I need to let go of?” and keep the lines of communication with the all-wise Transcendent open.
Finally, create space within which the answer to your question can emerge. We moderns rarely prioritize solitude. We often falsely equate it with unproductive time or label it a luxury. In fact, though, it’s the fertile soil out of which our most transformational revelations can spring. So don’t neglect it. In holding the space for solitude sacred in your life, you’ll be among the giants of humanity who did the same–the Benjamin Franklins, the Albert Einsteins, the Gandhis, the Jesus’ of Nazareth–and not among the countless hordes who hurl themselves headlong through life without much thought or reflection and have little to show for it beyond filling their time.
But if you listen to this podcast, then you’re not interested in just filling whatever time you’re allotted on this planet. Instead, you want to give life everything you’ve got.
So, pay attention, pose the question, create space, and await your answer.
Your results won’t be like mine, but they will be just what you need, just when you need it.
The Help You Need for Letting Go
A healthy dose of objectivity goes a long way when we’re trying to discover what we need to let go of.
That’s one of the reasons why I created The Graveyard Group. In a small group setting, you and your very own confidential board of advisors discern what you need to let go of and help you take the steps necessary to let go of it so you can live YOUR one and only life with even more guts, gusto, and abandon.
A new women's Graveyard Group is forming now, with my colleague, the amazing Beth Romano, serving as its facilitator. Beth pioneered the first women's Graveyard Group this past January, and now she's inviting more women to benefit from the experience.
Go here to learn more about joining a women's Graveyard Group, or email me.
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Let’s Connect
Could a coaching partnership with me be just the thing you need right now? Find me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 011 | Embracing Mystery, When to Call It a Day, and What Matters Most: Lessons from an Astonishing Life-After-Death Story
- Ep. 013 | Two Death Sentences and Still Surfing: An Assumption-busting Conversation About Letting Go, the Sneaky Downside of Hope, and Embracing Life's Necessary "Little Deaths"
- Ep. 063 | Suffering, Surrender, and the Leap of Faith: How to Find Freedom on the Other Side of Letting Go, with Carrie Chown
Pam Blackburn loves to climb mountains.
Pam is also dying.
In this episode, Pam shares what the view is like from her lonely mountaintop of terminal illness. This is her final word to the world, prepared courageously and graciously to serve all of us who don't have access to the same view.
There are things we need to hear and things we need to know that only those, like Pam, inhabiting the sacred and surreal space between life and death can convey to us. And there are things we need to do as a result of the insight we gain.
I feel so fortunate to have met Pam and to count her as a new friend. She is full of life and warmth and mischief--more vibrantly alive in the midst of her suffering than most people I know. She is so clearly being transformed by her ongoing dance with Death, and I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that there are ways in which her encounter with Mortality has actually saved her life.
This episode doesn't follow the usual conversational interview format you've become accustomed to on this show. Instead, if you tune in, you'll hear only from Pam--reading her final word to the world that she poured her heart and soul into preparing for you and me.
Also, about 11 minutes in, Pam mentions "the glittery little children" that cancer leaves behind just waiting to come to life. She's referring to cancerous cells that are undetectable by scans but inevitably cause trouble down the road.
Some Highlights from Pam’s Message for the Living
- How Pam’s terminal diagnosis has been a gift and given her tremendous newfound freedom.
- How Death has brought Pam to life.
- Pam’s top 10 tips for how to live well.
- Pam offers her final words to her husband and five kids.
- Tune in for all of Pam’s message for the living!
Making It Matter in YOUR Life
In this episode, we were welcomed into the heart of a fellow human who is staring her Mortality squarely in the eyes. We ascended briefly to the lonely mountaintop that Pam stands on and shared her view from there. What an astounding gift. Thank you, Pam.
What will you do with Pam's gift to you?
Don't wait until Death comes knocking on your door to WAKE UP and acknowledge the reality of your Mortality. Instead, courageously and voluntarily confront your Mortality to harness its incomparable motivational power and live YOUR one and only life with guts, gusto, and abandon.
You can start today.
What lessons will you take to heart from Pam's report from the frontlines? What's just one thing you are willing and able to change today--the only day we've got--as a result of what stuck with you?
I’m Motivated to Let My Mortality Motivate Me! What Do I Do Next??
It's one thing to tap into Mortality's motivation to live YOUR one-and-only life with guts, gusto, and abandon. But it's another thing entirely to sustain it and act on it day-in and day-out, week-in and week-out, over the course of your lifetime. It's a discipline and a practice, and it happens best with the support of others who are on the same path.
That's why I created The Graveyard Group. In small group settings, you and your very own confidential board of advisors help each other leave it all out on the field of life. You clear obstacles, mend relationships, summon the courage to pursue your dreams, and give the things that matter most the attention they deserve--before it's too late. You become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live
I'm excited to share that a new women's Graveyard Group is forming after Labor Day, with my colleague, the amazing Beth Romano, serving as its facilitator. Beth pioneered the first women's Graveyard Group this past January, and she's ready to welcome more women into the experience.
Go Here to learn more about joining a women's Graveyard Group, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Let’s Connect
If this episode helped you, I'd love to know. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Pam
Email | Instagram | Facebook | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 006 | The Nine Lives of Lise Leroux: One Woman's Mind-blowing Tale of Living With a Terminal Diagnosis
- Ep. 011 | Embracing Mystery, When to Call It a Day, and What Matters Most: Lessons from an Astonishing Life-After-Death Story
- Ep. 013 | Two Death Sentences and Still Surfing: An Assumption-busting Conversation About Letting Go, the Sneaky Downside of Hope, and Embracing Life's Necessary "Little Deaths"
Do you have a plan for when you die? Do you have a plan for when your loved ones die?
In 2001, Michelle Mathai was just two years into her first foreign service post as vice consul in Auckland, NZ. She and her parents were on a farewell trip around the island in anticipation of Michelle's imminent departure for a new post in El Salvador. In the blink of an eye, the trip turned tragic when their car, with her dad at the wheel and her mom in the back seat, careened off the road and into the mercilessly icy current of a glacial river. As water rushed in, Michelle was able to kick out the windshield to escape the car, but her desperate attempts to save her parents were unsuccessful.
In this episode, Michelle shares how the complete lack of preparation for her parents' deaths impacted her and her brother. She shares how painful lessons learned from that experience helped her create a very different ending for her brother when he died in 2017 after almost a 20-year battle with brain cancer. And she shares how to have the tough end-of-life conversations with our loved ones NOW--before end-of-life issues become a reality--and what exactly needs to be covered.
Highlights From the Conversation
- The hardships that failure to have an end-of-life plan causes when a loved one dies, and the benefits of having a plan
- How the grieving process is impacted by lack of end-of-life plans
- How to create end-of-life plans with your loved ones
- What an end-of-life plan contains
- The value of simplifying your life materially so that there’s not so much stuff for loved ones to sort through when you die.
- How beauty can be found in the “tough stuff”
- Why Michelle has no tolerance for “all the bullshit” anymore, and why you shouldn't either
Making It Matter In YOUR Life
Dying well starts now. It starts with acknowledging the inevitability of our death, allowing that awareness to keep us present in THIS moment, and taking concrete steps today to plan for our ultimate demise. It requires making our Death part of our Life, here and now. It's a formidable and beastly tension to tangle with, but tangle with it we must if we are to depart this life with grace and peace. As I've discovered in the three-plus years that I've been actively cultivating this Mortality Mindset, if we persist in tangling with this tension, it becomes a powerful catalyst for giving the things that matter most the attention they deserve NOW and living the life we were uniquely made to live. Paradoxically, it becomes a friend and ally rather than a detestable and repugnant enemy to be avoided at all costs. As my then-10-year-old son, Macgray, said one night at the dinner table, much to our surprise and amazement, "Death brings meaning to life." When we estrange ourselves from our Mortality, we estrange ourselves from our very Life.
And so we conclude where we began: Do you have a plan for when you die? Do you have a plan for when your loved ones die? If not, what's just one thing you're willing and able to do today to begin assembling a plan?
Let Me Know!
What stuck with YOU from this episode? Message me on Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn @AndrewPettyCoach, or email me at andrew@digdeepwinbig.com.
Be sure to tune in to the next episode--a sort of mirror image of this episode. Terminal brain cancer warrior, Pam Blackburn, will offer her final word from the sacred space she now inhabits between life and death. It is both heartrending and intensely clarifying in the most useful of ways.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Let’s Connect
Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Michelle
Email | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Website | Podcast
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 056 | Ignore at Your Own Risk: How Your Relationship with Death Affects Your Quality of Life, with Dr. Frederic Tate
- Ep. 052 | What Matters Most: A Transformative Conversation with the Rev. Dr. Nicole McDonald
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
What do you need to let go of?
In her teens, alcohol became Carrie Chown's refuge from emotional pain. By her early college years, she was firmly in the grips of alcoholism. Carrie worked hard to keep everything looking shiny on the outside, but inside she wanted to die. Then, she was diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension as a college junior and was told she had two years to live. Ironically, it felt like an answer to her prayer to die.
In June of 1999, Carrie summoned the will and the courage to get sober so she could begin an IV treatment the following month. Remarkably, she survived six years with pulmonary hypertension and received a life-extending double lung transplant in December 2003. After the transplant, Carrie was told that she might only have two more years to live.
With a handful of years of sobriety and intensive recovery work now under her belt, Carrie emerged from the transplant physically, spiritually, and mentally aligned. She was ready to live. She moved out of her parents' house, started working, got married, and bought her first home.
But she lost sight of all of the gifts in her life during an excruciating seven-year infertility journey.
There's more to this story, and Carrie fills in the gaps in the conversation that follows. But what I've just shared with you sets the stage for the insights and wisdom that Carrie offers in this episode. At face value, it's a gripping tale of human suffering, perseverance, and the will to live. But on a deeper level, it's a master class in how to find freedom on the other side of letting go.
Meet Carrie Chown
Today, Carrie is a Life, Health, and Wellness Coach and Reiki Master Practitioner. She has a private practice in Woodland, CA where she uses traditional coaching, energy work, and unique life coaching experiences to help her clients move beyond the things that hold them back and create lives full of passion, purpose, and wellbeing.
Some Episode Highlights
- Carrie shares what she had to let go of in each of the three monumental surrenders she’s experienced in her life–addiction, terminal illness, and infertility–and what freedom she found on the other side of letting go.
- How to know when to keep fighting and when to surrender.
- Carrie’s take on the purpose of suffering.
- The necessity of detaching from the outcome.
- How letting go makes it possible to see other options.
- The difference between suffering that heals and transforms and suffering that destroys.
- Carrie’s take on her leap of faith–why, how, and how it turned out.
What Do You Need to Let Go Of?
Letting go is not a popular idea in our hard-driving Western culture. But one has only to consider how physically and mentally unhealthy our culture is--unprecedentedly so, in fact--to realize that there's much about how we live today that needs to change.
So perhaps letting go is something all of us need to practice more. Letting go of our demand that life be a certain way and accepting what actually IS, instead. Letting go of our demand that our partner meet all of our needs and assuming full responsibility for own wellbeing, instead. Letting go of our tireless efforts to prevent future catastrophes and accepting that much of the future is completely outside of our control. Letting go of our need for our kids to fit our mold and nurturing their unique qualities, instead.
Examine your own heart and observe your own life to discern where a surrender might be calling to you. Look especially closely at those areas in your life where you consistently experience a sense of stuckness and frustration, a pushing-back from life as it resists your repeated attempts to create a different reality.
What freedom awaits you on the other side of letting go?
Let Me Know!
What stuck with YOU from this episode? Message me on Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn @AndrewPettyCoach, or email me at andrew@digdeepwinbig.com.
I'm taking a creative break in July to have adventures with my family and give my heart and mind an opportunity to reset and be refreshed. The show will return in August with two episodes that I'm really looking forward to. From her own heartrending experiences with loss and caregiving, Michelle Mathai will teach us how to have the hard conversations with our loved ones about end-of-life issues NOW--before end-of-life issues become a reality. And terminal brain cancer warrior, Pam Blackburn, will offer her final word from the sacred space she now inhabits between life and death. If these sound like hard episodes to look forward to, much less listen to, then lean into the discomfort and tune in anyway. They might just be the episodes that you especially needed to hear.
I’m so glad you tuned in today, and don’t forget to follow this show. I’ll see you again in August on Andrew Petty is Dying, Lord willin' and the creek don't rise!
Let’s Connect
If this episode helped you, I'd love to know. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Carrie
Email | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 008 | More Alive Than Ever: How Pain Points the Way to Purpose
- Ep. 020 | There's Love Beneath the Waves: Ancient Wisdom for Living Wrapped in a Modern-day Story of Suffering
- Ep. 037 | Dare to Play More: Why & How
“What do you do?” We’re all familiar with that question. It comes up naturally when we meet someone for the first time in a social setting. Its usual purpose is to learn what someone does for a living to keep food on the table and a roof over their heads.
In this episode, however, we’ll REpurpose this old question in a new way to help you know yourself better and discern even more clearly the paths in life for which you’re uniquely made. It will become a new tool in your ongoing quest to live YOUR life with guts, gusto, and abandon.
My Answer to “What do you do?”
“I seek to understand how we should conduct ourselves in this world to produce the best results with our lives.” That’s my most current answer to the repurposed version of the familiar question, “What do you do?” that I’m sharing with you today. It’s a description of what I’ve ALWAYS done, regardless of my age or stage of life or job. It’s a description of what I can’t NOT do, of what I’ve always felt compelled to do, of what always calls to me in the midst of whatever else I’m actually doing.
It’s not a carefully-crafted mission statement or a statement of intention. It’s not aspirational. It’s a statement of what IS. It’s a statement of who I am and what I do in the world on a fundamental level. I can no more change myself on that fundamental level than I can alter the course of the stars in the sky.
That’s the level of insight that we’re after with our newly-repurposed version of “what do you do?”
My desire for understanding has been evident from an early age–as have been whatever impulses guide you on a fundamental level. One day, when I was a little boy, for example, I paused to examine the dirt, and then asked my mom “what’s the dirt doing?” (There may or may not have also been another episode at about the same age where I paused to pray for a caterpillar, then sent it to caterpillar heaven with a decisive stomp of my foot. My mom still hasn’t gotten over the shock. She thought I was praying for its welfare, but apparently I was administering its last rites. But I digress…)
What’s the Big Deal About Answering “What Do You Do?” for Ourselves?
The big benefit of knowing what we do on a fundamental level with this kind of clarity is that it strengthens our sense of who we are and what we’re here for. Enlightened and strengthened in these ways, we can then pursue personal and professional paths that align with what we do on a fundamental level. What we do for a living to keep food on the table and a roof over our head can be a natural extension of what we’ve always done and will always seek to do on the deepest levels of our being.
I’m grateful that what I do for a living IS a natural extension of what I do on the most fundamental level. I’ve discovered that that marriage between both levels of doing is a self-perpetuating engine of growth, both fed by and feeding the very processes that drive it.
Life is hard enough without the added hardship of persisting in personal and professional paths that don’t align with who we really are and what we really do. And the world needs all of us as fully engaged in our unique purposes as we can possibly be.
How confident are you in your current answer to “what do you do?”
How to Answer “What Do You Do” for Yourself
I’ve arrived at my current answer to this question through ongoing observation of myself as I move through the world. But that observation has occurred in the grit and grime of real life, not from behind glass with lab coats and clipboards. My conclusions at this point are based upon real-world trial and error, successes and failures. They are the result of countless implementations of my formula for human growth, Insight + Action = Transformation.
My answer is also based upon others’ feedback about what they observe in me. I’ve proactively sought that feedback from family, friends, and professional acquaintances. I’ve also enlisted resources like coaching and therapy to create the kinds of insights that those kinds of partnerships are especially good at creating.
My answer will continue to evolve, too, as long as I stay engaged in the question and summon the courage to act upon what I learn.
What are one or two observations have you made about yourself so far in life that help you better understand what you do on a fundamental level?
Draft Your First Answer to “What Do You Do?” Today
“What do you do?” is a familiar question that you can repurpose in a new way to help you know yourself better and discern even more clearly the paths in life for which you’re uniquely made. It takes time and awareness to wield this tool, and all of us are capable of wielding it well if we choose. It takes courage to act upon the insights we gain, forsaking paths that aren’t ours in favor of ones that are.
Live YOUR life with guts, gusto, and abandon.
Take a new step in that direction today. Draft your first answer to “what do you do?” Don’t white knuckle it, and don’t censor or judge yourself. Then, update your answer whenever observations made in the real world generate new depths of insight into what you do. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
I Can Help You Discover What You Do in the World
Connect with me Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me. Go here to learn more about the Graveyard Group, where you get invaluable insight and feedback from your own confidential board of advisors.
One final note before I sign off today: I’ll release one more episode in June before I take a creative break for the month of July to rest and retool. I look forward to returning refreshed in August.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
- Ep. 039 | How to Change the World: An Antidote to Apathy and Despair in an Age of Doom and Gloom
This episode is a wake-up call, a call to get back in the driver’s seat of your life, a call to become the boss of your most precious nonrenewable resource: Time.
Because if you don’t have time, Time will ultimately have you. And you won’t like the results.
Guilty as Charged
How many times have we heard someone say, “I don’t have time,” or “If only I had more time,” or said something like that ourselves? I imagine we’ve all done it. I sure have.
If we’re honest, sometimes we trot out statements like these like badges of honor in an attempt to show others just how important and busy we are. Or, I suspect, simply to try to justify or comfort ourselves: “I couldn’t possibly have gotten to that because of all of this, you see.”
But the cold, hard truth is that statements like those are really admissions of guilt.
The crime? Failure to assume full responsibility for how we use our time. It’s a crime we’re all guilty of on occasion.
And the verdict we impose upon ourselves for that crime is future regret.
The Anatomy and Tragedy of Regret
Overwhelmingly, it’s regret for things undone that the old and the dying speak of most painfully–not regret for mistakes made along the way. Sins of omission, so to speak, rather than sins of commission. Regret for spending too much time working and not enough time with their kids. Regret for shying away from adventures that called to them and retreating to the apparent safety of the status quo. Regret for failing to maintain dear friendships over the years. Essentially, regret for failing to give the things that matter most the attention they deserve when they were still able to do so.
None of us consciously sets out to accumulate regrets. But what we so often fail to realize is that each and every day is either an investment in a regret-filled future or in a deeply satisfying one. Posing it as an either-or proposition is an oversimplification to make the point. In reality, any given day can be an investment in both futures. But the point remains, nonetheless. It’s also a compounding investment, that accrues over time and can’t be made or reversed in a single future moment of regret.
There are a myriad of common reasons, many of them very compelling, why we fail to take complete responsibility for how we use our time. Competing priorities, innate wiring, and fear of the consequences of our choices are just a few. Paradoxically, the immense freedom that taking full responsibility for our time would give us seems to scare many of us off. We want freedom without responsibility. But there’s no such thing.
And frankly, it’s easier to let one day slide into the next without doing the hard work day in and day out to take full responsibility for how we use our time. It’s easier, that is, until one day, it isn’t, and the consequences of our neglect become painfully clear in the face of crisis, tragedy, loss, or old age.
No Excuses!
None of those reasons, though–compelling as they may be–changes the fact that if we don’t have Time, Time will have us. If we don’t proactively possess the Time we’re given, it will possess us and sweep us along as if in a rip tide toward a future we don’t want.
And at the end of the day, none of those reasons, however compelling, is an excuse that gets us off the hook for not taking full responsibility for how we use our time. We know this deep down, don’t we, if we’re brutally honest with ourselves. And every time we summon an excuse, we weaken and undermine ourselves, like the banks of a river being undercut and compromised by the water’s persistent flow.
How to Become the Boss of Your Time
If we’re persuaded at this point that having time is better than time having us, so to speak, we’re still left with the question of how. HOW do we take full responsibility for how we use our time?
First, resolve in your heart to accept complete responsibility for how you spend your time. Embrace your uniquely human superpower of choice–a topic we touched on in episode 058, How to Make the Most of Today. You don’t HAVE to do anything. Everything is a matter of sovereign choice–whether we’ve fully realized it or not yet. We exercise our sovereign choice according to values and priorities. You don’t HAVE to pick your son up from school, for example. But you choose to because that fulfills your agreement with him made earlier that morning, which fulfills your choice to be a person of integrity and a trustworthy, loving parent. With practice over time, you’ll begin to see that every moment of every day is full of choice–not “have tos” and “shoulds” and “need tos.” You are free to choose! As you practice using your time as you choose, you’ll begin to see options where before you only saw limitations. Your ability to creatively problem-solve your day in alignment with your values and priorities will begin to expand.
Next, Time may be our most precious nonrenewable resource, but Courage is one of our most powerful renewable resources. Summon the courage to begin using your time to give the things that matter most more of the attention that they deserve right now. This requires courage because it means stepping into the very real tension of competing priorities, choosing one over the other, and accepting whatever the cost might be. You will have to begin getting really honest about what matters more to you than other things and putting your money where your mouth is. It might mean leaving the office when there’s still a lot more work to be done so that you can be on time for dinner with your wife or your daughter’s basketball game. You’ll face your boss’ displeasure, but you’ll enjoy the satisfaction of giving your family the invaluable gift of your time and attention. For more on how to manage life’s many tensions more effectively, tune in to episode 017, Busting the "Balance" Myth: A Better Way.
Next, live Today, AND keep an eye on the future. Today is the only day we’ve got. We can’t live our tomorrows today. In fact, strictly speaking, tomorrow never comes. This is good news! The only day we can actually do anything about is Today. So, summon the courage to exercise your superpower of choice in all of your comings and goings today. And, along the way, exercise your best judgment about what choices would contribute to a regret-free future to guide you. Sometimes, it’s pretty clear which choice would contribute to fewer regrets in the future. Sometimes, it’s much harder to tell. Keep at it, though, and in time you will refine your judgment through experience so that it serves you even more reliably.
Finally, cultivate the Mortality Mindset. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, clarifies our priorities and motivates us to break free of the tenacious grip of the status quo like conscious confrontation with our Mortality. Like unblinking acknowledgment of the fact that we will one day draw our last breath in this life and be completely out of time and options. But in order to harness Mortality’s incomparable motivational power, short of experiencing an actual crisis, we have to work at it. We have to courageously and consistently bring our Mortality to mind. This flies counter to our most deep-seated human instinct to avoid our Mortality. And we’re especially skilled at doing this in the affluent Western world, where we’ve done an excellent job of insulating ourselves from crisis and death through a vast array of technological advances and conveniences and direct active avoidance.
Which is why I say that we must “cultivate” the Mortality Mindset–much like a crop must be cultivated. Short of the impact of an actual crisis, it won’t arise out of the soil of our hearts and minds on its own. Everything instinctively within us is trying to suppress its emergence, in fact. We must till the soil, plant the seed, water it, and protect it from external threats until it reaches maturity. And then, once mature, we continue to nourish it so that it continues to produce fruit in our lives. In this, we must have the attitude of the patient and persistent farmer.
Make this podcast a steady part of your diet, and till the insights you glean from it back into the soil of your heart and mind. Join a Graveyard Group, where each week we tap into the power of our Mortality to motivate us to live the lives we were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. Write your own obituary, and make it a habit to read it once a month or so to keep you orientated toward a life that you’ll be proud of when you draw your last breath. There are a myriad of ways to cultivate the Mortality Mindset. But there are no shortcuts and no silver bullets. It’s a commitment, a discipline, and a practice.
Choose Your Hard!
If we don’t have time, time will have us. Time is no respecter of persons and cares nothing for our hopes and dreams. It moves inexorably forward. There’s nothing we can do to change that.
But we CAN control HOW we use our time. And that’s really good news. What’s remarkable, though, is how few of us fully embrace that opportunity. In fact, this has been one of the fiercest battles of adulthood for me–the battle to assume full responsibility for how I use my time and take hold of the freedom and power that we get in return. The battle is ongoing, but there’s good evidence that the tide of battle is turning in my favor.
It’s not easy, but it is worth it. So choose your hard: Put in the hard work day by day right now to take full responsibility for how you use your time, or deal with the bitterly hard consequences of failing to do so after it’s too late.
TODAY is the day, ladies and gents. There is no Tomorrow.
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
I Can Help
You CAN take full responsibility for how you spend your time. But you don’t have to do it alone. I can help.
Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me. Go here to learn more about the Graveyard Group, visit digdeepwinbig.com/thegraveyardgroup.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 053 | No Time Like the Present: A Simple Tool for Giving the Things that Matter Most the Attention They Deserve
- Ep. 058 | How to Make the Most of Today: A Simple Framework
What place do rites of passage have in your life?
In this episode, my special guest is MY coach Amy Musson, and we explore why rites of passage matter and the surprisingly harmful consequences of neglecting them. It turns out that there's more at stake than you might have thought--if you've ever given rites of passage much thought at all.
If you haven't given them much thought, then you're not alone. I think most of us in the materially affluent Western world today have largely neglected meaningful rites of passage. Emphasis on "materially affluent," by the way, because, as Amy and I discuss in this conversation, we affluent Westerners are perhaps quite impoverished in other less tangible but vitally important areas.
An Episode is Born
I hadn't given rites of passage much thought until recently, as my oldest son approached his 13th year. Then, a couple months ago, Amy and I had a coaching conversation that led us to stumble upon the importance of rites of passage in a fresh way that had immediate value for both of us. It's out of that coaching conversation that the idea for today's episode was born.
That's one of the things that I love about coaching conversations: At their core, they are creative exchanges that generate fresh insight and create new depths of understanding. And that's what I invite you into today--a very candid continuation of a creative exchange about rites of passage that Amy and I began a couple months ago. A creative exchange that made an impact in both of our lives. I hope it will spark your own curiosity and creativity around rites of passage and make an impact in your life, too.
Introducing MY Coach, Amy Musson
Amy and I met almost two years ago when we were both members of an online forum created by Ozan Varol, an author I've mentioned in previous episodes whose book, Think Like a Rocket Scientist, entered my life at just the right time--as books can do. Long-story-short, Amy and I recognized that we each had something to offer the other, and we struck up a peer coaching partnership that's been going strong ever since. We alternate coaching each other on a weekly basis. Our partnership has been one of the most influential and transformative I've ever experienced, personally AND professionally. Amy is an innately gifted coach, with vast amounts of training, experience, and wisdom to boot, and an ever-evolving array of offerings. In fact, it was one of those offerings–her podcast, The Growth Moment–that triggered a revelation for me about unexpressed grief and led to newfound freedom. I'll include details about how to connect with Amy in the shownotes for this episode.
Highlights From This Conversation
- Amy’s own recent successful experience with a rite of passage for her son and her painful missed opportunity with her dad
- What happens when we fail to observe rites of passage
- How rites of passage set us free to be all that we can be
- The surprising connection between the First Law of Thermodynamics, rites of passage, and our development as humans
- And more…
Making It Matter In YOUR Life
Where in your life have transformational moments become merely transactional? Where in your life have you sterilized that which should be ritualized? What parts of you are developmentally delayed because a rite of passage was either neglected or mishandled in the past? How could a rite of passage help you acknowledge and catalyze a transition you're currently experiencing? How could a rite of passage help one of your kids transition well from one stage to the next?
In my own case, I'm aware that a mid-life rite of passage might be in order. There's much simmering beneath the surface that needs expression or transformation, I think--maybe some of that trapped energy that Amy brought up. I want to embrace my stage of life even more fully and move forward with guts, gusto, and abandon, but I think in some ways I'm still mourning what I'm leaving behind. I wonder if I'm stuck emotionally and developmentally and if a rite of passage could help. I don't have a clear next step yet, but it's on my heart and mind. And frankly, on the one hand it feels easier to just keep trudging ahead without giving this any attention. On the other hand, though, I don't think that's the best way forward if I want to move into the next stage of my life with as much freedom, guts, gusto, and abandon as possible.
That's me. What about you?
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
I Can Help
Are you feeling stuck or need help making a transition in life? Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram or LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Connect with Amy
Email | Website | Podcast | Instagram | LinkedIn
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, Try These, Too
- Ep. 031 | How's the Conversation Going? Improving Your Most Important Relationships One Conversation at a Time
- Ep. 053 | No Time Like the Present: A Simple Tool for Giving the Things that Matter Most the Attention They Deserve
- Ep. 058 | How to Make the Most of Today: A Simple Framework
"If I've learned anything in the last three years, it's that life and death are so much bigger than us. You embraced life and love with all your amazing energy, which still reverberates. You are still with us on walks in the forest, on windy ridges, in a sunlit moment after the rain, in the love, laughter, and music of your friends and family. You are there in dreams that seem more real than waking moments. Everyday I think of you on your timeless flight. I love you with all my heart, and miss you more than words can say."
Michelle Kuipers wrote this heartrending caption for an Instagram post on March 5, 2021--the third anniversary of the death of her son, Marc-Andre' Leclerc, who died in 2018 descending the Mendenhall Towers in Alaska with his climbing partner, Ryan Johnson. Marc-Andre's life is the subject of the acclaimed 2021 documentary, The Alpinist, currently available on Netflix. Michelle also appeared in the film.
Life-Changing
Marc-Andre's story changed my life--or maybe more accurately, IS changing my life. And I know I'm not alone. Michelle's instagram feed is full of messages from people saying the very same thing. For the first few days after watching The Alpinist, I was unsettled and on edge, stirred up and ansty, aware that Marc-André's story had awakened something deep within me--something that I wasn't yet able to identify or articulate but wouldn't leave me alone. Something that needed attention.
Which is odd on the one hand, because although I do love being out in nature's wild places, I've never aspired to anything like the kind of audacious adventures that Marc-André undertook. I'm not an alpinist, as he was, or even a climber. But the fact that his story is changing my life nonetheless, as different as we are and as different as our stories are, reveals that The Alpinist is ultimately not a story about remarkable feats in the alpine environment. It's not a climbing movie, merely. It's a story about hearing and heeding our unique calling in life--wholeheartedly and unapologetically and without self-conscious concern for its relative value or utility in the world. It's a story about being ourselves--being the one and only me, the one and only you, with guts, gusto, and abandon. It's a story about how writing a great story with our life can change other people's lives.
And that's the gift of Marc-André's story in my life--the exhortation and admonition to be ME. That's what was awakened within me and demanded attention when I first watched The Alpinist. Even though I've been on a journey to become who I was made to be for many years now, and as a coach I help others on the same journey, my reaction to The Alpinist showed me that I was still wrestling deep in my heart with whether it was ok or enough. Marc-André's story brought that internal conflict to the surface and gave me the confidence to put my doubts to rest.
From Michelle’s Perspective
Perhaps the most important sub-plot in The Alpinist is the relationship between Marc-André and his mom. That part of the storyline absolutely captivated me. How had Michelle summoned the courage and the wisdom to help Marc André discover and pursue such an audacious calling? How had she helped Marc-André become who he was made to be? I wanted to know more.
So I reached out to Michelle on Instagram from out of the blue, and long-story-short, much to my surprise and pleasure, Michelle agreed to be on the show.
In this exclusive conversation, Michelle and I dig deeper into the story, exploring questions like: What did the documentary leave out? How did Michelle cope with worry when Marc-Andrè was out on a solo climb? What was Marc-André's philosophy of life? And how does Michelle live differently because of her son’s life and tragic death?
And Michelle's account of Marc-André’s first climbing experience will surprise you.
This episode is also a paradigm-shifting masterclass in how to live sovereign, empowered, and purposeful lives. It's a goldmine.
If you enjoyed The Alpinist, you’ll love getting to know Marc-André even better through Michelle's eyes. And, you’ll be equipped with wisdom and insight for your own life from a remarkable woman.
We recorded this episode on March 10, coincidentally the 4th anniversary of the day Michelle returned from Alaska without Marc-André, after the effort to recover his body at the base of the Mendenhall Towers had been abandoned. I feel extremely fortunate to have spent time with Michelle, on a day fraught with so many emotions, to celebrate, honor, and learn from a remarkable man and his remarkable mom.
Highlights From This Conversation
5 key insights stick out to me from this conversation that help us understand HOW to be our true selves:
First, our Story and our Purpose in the world are inseparable. Marc-André's family's lack of financial resources in his early years was a constraint that inspired creativity in their family and "activated" Marc-André's imagination and thirst for adventure. In what ways does your Story point to your true calling?
Next, to be our true selves, we have to determine what we really want. Michelle's conversation with Marc-André after graduation created an environment within which Marc-Andrè was able to acknowledge what he really wanted and go for it. What do you really want? If you don't know, what's in the way? If you haven’t already, tune in to Ep. 055, What Do You Want: A Path to Purpose and Fulfillment, with Chris Slota, for a real-world case study in how to determine what we want.
Next, when we find things that align with the kind of human we are, the naturally-occurring collateral benefits are dedication, discipline, sacrifice, and ultimately, proficiency and mastery. Marc-Andrè applied himself to alpinism with a focus and determination far beyond anything he'd been able to muster in any other area of his life. What naturally brings out dedication, discipline, and sacrifice in your life? Whatever it is, it's very likely a key to who you were made to be.
Next, be willing to put in the work to get what you want. Marc-Andrè spent countless thousands of hours becoming the boldest alpinist of his generation--perhaps the boldest of any generation so far. What calls to you so strongly that you're willing to put in the work required to get it?
Finally, try different things in life, and be willing to acknowledge what fits you and what doesn't, regardless of the prevailing cultural and social norms. Michelle was a keen and attentive observer of the kind of human her son was, and she encouraged him to shut out prevailing cultural and social norms in order to tune in more closely to what he liked and didn't like. What are you giving time and energy to largely because of prevailing norms? What would you begin to give more time and energy to if those prevailing norms weren't present?
Tune in to the full episode to learn 5 tenets of Marc-Andrè’s philosophy of life–the same philosophy that propelled him to such astounding heights in the mountains and allowed him to become the person he was made to be.
One Story…A Million Different Meanings
The wonderfully mysterious thing about sharing someone's story is that the same story can mean a million different things to as many different people. Other people's stories come alongside our story, so to speak, and serve as a mirror of sorts--a mirror that allows us to see ourselves more clearly than we otherwise would have. We often find comfort, confirmation, inspiration, AND challenge in the image reflected back to us. Comfort that we're not alone, confirmation of choices we've made, inspiration to aspire to new heights, and sometimes, a challenge to forsake old, unproductive ways and embrace new, life-giving ones. So I'm encouraged by the certain knowledge that Michelle's and Marc-André's stories are working their magic in the hearts and minds of all who listen to this episode…
But Don’t Miss This…
…AND, if I were to pick one thing that I hope EVERYONE gets from this episode, it's the courage to be YOU, the one and only you. To hear and heed whatever is calling to you--wholeheartedly, unapologetically, and without self-conscious concern for its relative value or utility in the world. We CAN'T know what the ultimate value of the pursuit of our calling will be. Marc-André certainly couldn't have known how many lives his story would change. He didn't set out to change lives; he simply responded to the call in his heart the best he knew how. And it turns out that his best was none other than the best-ever. And, it turns out that his example is inspiring people like you and me to be who we were uniquely made to be, with guts, gusto, and abandon.
Ladies and gents, consider the riches available when we persist in becoming our true selves. And consider the costs of not doing so.
Here's to becoming who we were each uniquely made to be!
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So follow Marc-André’s example, and get after it!
Making It Matter In YOUR Life
What stuck with YOU from this episode? Message me on Facebook, Instagram or LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
And if you're new to this show, welcome! I invite you to browse the archive of past interviews with fascinating people and short, topical solo episodes--all designed to equip you with the mindset and the means to become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. We flip the script by inviting our ancient foe, Death, to become an unlikely ally in our heroic journey to leave it all out on the field of life. Turns out, Mortality might just be the best motivator available--blasting us out of our ambivalence and complacency and toward the fullness of our potential.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Connect with Michelle
Email | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 003 | How to Turn Your Imperfections Into Superpowers: The Key to Unlocking Your Unique Purpose
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
How do we make the most of today?
This episode is short and sweet, banged out somewhat hastily during the current season of curveballs I mentioned in the previous episode–but banged out with love and goodwill toward you, my fellow traveler along life’s winding path, you who are waking up to the reality of your Mortality and courageously embracing it to live with guts, gusto, and abandon.
So today I’m gonna give you what I’ve got and pray that it reaches the hearts of those who need it most. And what I’ve got is a simple framework for making the most of today–the only day you’’ve got. Plus, a preview of an upcoming episode that I’m super-excited to share with you.
A Simple Framework to Make the Most of Today
Here’s a simple but powerful framework for making the most of today–and every day that you’re fortunate to be granted in the future:
First, pause, breathe, and acknowledge the MIRACLE of today! Countless thousands had to successfully reproduce over the millenia in order for you to even exist. The chances of you existing right now in this moment are slim to none. Your heart has beat faithfully without interruption every second of every minute of every hour of every day to bring you to this moment. Just think about that. Put your hand over your heart and feel its strong, rhythmic pulsation. Thank it for its many years of service so far. And if you’re able to listen to this episode, then you almost certainly have a comfortable place to call home, a way to provide for your needs, freedom to choose how you spend your time, plenty of food, clean water, and the ability to improve your situation in life if you choose to. These factors alone put you among the very most fortunate people on the planet.
Next, acknowledge that as a sovereign, free, fully-responsible member of the human race, you’ve been granted the superpower of Choice. Do you really believe that? Even in situations where much is outside of our control, we always still have the freedom to choose our response. In this freedom to choose lies our Dignity and our ability to craft our Destiny. Today, the only day you’ve got, you get to choose who you are and who you’re becoming. If some of your past choices haven’t served you well, then today you get another chance to make different choices. Every day truly is a NEW day. In fact, today could be THE day that you look back on and realize with deep pride and satisfaction that you began to do your part to change things for the better. Today is yours to do with as you please.
Then, acknowledging the miraculous gift of this one day–the only day you’ve got, fully owning your superpower of Choice amidst life’s many competing demands and priorities, and in light of what matters most to you, decide what would make today a rewarding day and determine to prioritize that thing above all others. For example, maybe you’ve lost touch with an old friend and realize that you’d regret it if that remained the case. Determine, then, to reach out to that friend before the day is over. Or maybe you’ve been putting off a difficult conversation with your boss–the conversation that you know needs to be had in order for you to be with your family more. Resolve to do your part to have that conversation today. In my case, today I resolved to get another video call scheduled with my mom, dad, and sister–something I’ve decided is important to me in this stage of life when, frankly, it’s easier to drift apart than it is to grow closer.
What will you choose to prioritize over everything else in order to make today a rewarding day? In order to live with guts, gusto, and abandon?
To Sum Up…
There you have it–a simple framework for making the most of today:
- First, acknowledge the miracle of Today.
- Next, fully own your superpower of Choice.
- Finally, decide what would make today a rewarding day and determine to prioritize that thing above all others.
You can deploy this framework each new day in a matter of minutes, but its impact will far exceed your investment of time and energy.
In this way, day after day, you’ll make the most of your days. And as you go, you’ll grow in wisdom and understanding about what makes a great day for you.
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Exclusive Preview | The Making of The Alpinist’s Marc-Andre’ Leclerc, on Andrew Petty is Dying
I’m super-excited to share with you that on Mother’s Day, Sunday, May 8, I’ll air an exclusive interview with Michelle Kuipers, Marc-André Leclerc’s mom. Leclerc’s life is the subject of the acclaimed 2021 documentary, The Alpinist, currently available on Netflix. Marc-Andre’s story had a huge impact on my life, and I was absolutely pumped when Michelle agreed to be on the show. If you haven’t watched The Alpinist yet, I wholeheartedly recommend it, and ideally, watch it before you tune into this episode.
This episode answers many questions that The Alpinist left unanswered and dives deeper into questions you may not have thought to consider, including: What did the documentary leave out? How did Michelle summon the wisdom and the courage to help
Marc André discover and pursue such an audacious calling? What does it mean to “live like Marc-André?” How does Michelle live differently because of her son’s life and tragic death? And Michelle’s account of Marc André’s very first climbing experience will surprise you.
For all of you parents out there, this exclusive conversation is also a paradigm-shifting masterclass in how to raise sovereign, empowered, and purposeful adults.
If you enjoyed The Alpinist, you’ll love getting to know Marc-André even better through his mom’s eyes. And, you’ll be equipped with wisdom and insight for your own life from a remarkable woman.
Alright, that’s a wrap for today, folks. What stuck with you?
I’d love to know. Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 014 | Dare to Dream Again: The Antidote to a Mediocre Life
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
What do we do when life throws us a curveball?
On this podcast, we’re equipping ourselves with the mindset and the means to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. Growing in our ability to respond to life’s inevitable curveballs requires both evolving our mindset and upgrading our means. And as we get better at responding to life’s curveballs, we increase our capacity to live with even more guts, gusto, and abandon.
In this episode, I’ll draw from my own recent experience to share with you what I’m learning in real-time about what to do when life throws us a curveball.
A Season of Curveballs
It’s been a weird start to the year for the Petty family. A season of curveballs, really.
Shortly after Christmas, I cracked a wisdom tooth and had to have it pulled, and then all four of us did our second lap around the block with COVID. In early February, my wife, Charis, suffered a concussion from a fall skiing and was sidelined from life and work for the better part of two weeks. Then, in early March, Charis was sidelined again, this time with excruciating back spasms that came seemingly from out of nowhere. It was Charis’ turn yet again in early April, this time with agonizing neck spasms–an episode from which she’s still recovering as of this episode’s air date. It was horrible to see her in so much pain and not be able to do anything about it.
Then, I summoned the courage to schedule a routine annual check-up with my doctor.
“Summon the courage?” you might very reasonably question. For many, if not most, of you, scheduling a routine check-up isn’t a matter of courage but more just a matter of not forgetting to do it. For me, though, the flavor of Anxiety that I can experience around health stuff tempts me to avoid stuff like annual exams because ignorance is bliss, right? Until unavoidable reality shatters that blissful ignorance, of course. So, after a couple years of negligence, I heeded Jordan Peterson’s admonition to “treat myself like someone I’m responsible for helping,” grabbed myself by the scruff of the neck, and dragged myself off to the doctor. The Mortality Mindset motivated me here, too, calling me out of the shadows of avoidance and denial and into the light of prudence and reality.
As my doctor walked through the results of my bloodwork with me just a few days ago, I was pleased that so many indicators were positive–much more positive than I’d expected, in fact, or had been the case in previous years. Then, my doctor got to the final result, and his demeanor changed slightly but perceptibly. “Was this a fasting lab?” he asked. “Yes,” I answered. “Why?”
The Latest Curveball
Long-story-short, after another blood draw, it turns out that I’m borderline diabetic. At least, that’s what I think the result means. I have a follow-up conversation scheduled with the doctor.
To the degree that the title of this podcast was ever merely theoretical or academic to me, this new development made it a whole lot more real and more personal. An actual medical result related to an actual disease that ranks among the top 10 leading causes of death globally.
Curveball.
I’ve sat with this news over the past few days–aware of a growing heaviness. Becoming aware of the long-term lifestyle implications of a chronic condition. Aware of another reminder of the loss of youth. Perhaps even beginning to grieve a little bit. Aware too that my grief may be very premature because there’s still a lot that I don’t know. It’s been a bit of a roller coaster. I’m still in the awkward early stages of understanding my situation.
Whatever my situation truly is, though, it is at least the latest in a series of curveballs.
Which brings us to the question that’s at the heart of what we’re exploring today: “What do we do when life throws us a curveball?”
What to Do When Life Throws Us a Curveball
I’m not going to subject you to what would undoubtedly be a painful attempt to expand the curveball metaphor beyond its useful limits. But I do want to share with you what I’m learning about what to do when life throws us a curveball and how I’m attempting to respond to our current season of curveballs. There’s a LOT that could be said about this–maybe even much more that should be said–but I’ve tried to narrow it down to the essentials to keep it as simple and actionable as possible. Think of what I’m about to share as points on a compass–a compass specially designed to help us navigate our way through life’s many challenges even more effectively so we can live with even more guts, gusto, and abandon.
Before I add or mix any more metaphors, we’d better go ahead and jump right in.
When life throws you a curveball…
First, summon the courage to acknowledge Reality. It’s astonishing how hard this one can really be. In response to something unwanted or unwelcome, especially of the more catastrophic sort, our deep-seated denial mechanisms spring into action. We can even experience a sort of dissociation. This may in some ways be inevitable and unavoidable and even necessary from a psychological survival standpoint. But we do ourselves and others a favor the quicker we are able to acknowledge the new Reality to ourselves and, I suggest, to a few trusted others. Be mindful neither to minimize nor catastrophize, and it will likely require the more objective input of others in order to avoid either extreme.
Acknowledging reality also means allowing yourself to experience the emotions that accompany it, whatever they may be. Attempting to manhandle your emotions into some sort of artificial or premature compliance only drags things out and compounds the impact of the curveball. Be as honest as you know how to be about how you’re really feeling. This establishes an emotional starting point from which you can chart a course forward. But until you’ve established that starting point, very little productive forward movement is possible.
I don’t think, however, that acknowledging Reality is the same as accepting Reality–at least not in the early stages. I’ve acknowledged the Reality that something’s wonky with my blood sugar. I’ve given myself permission to experience the emotions that are presenting themselves. But I’m also well aware that I don’t know enough nor have I lived long enough with the implications of this new Reality to have accepted it. Acceptance will come, but I’m not asking that of myself yet.
I’ve found the Mortality Mindset really useful in my own efforts to acknowledge Reality. Armed with the conscious awareness of my Mortality, I’m more powerfully motivated to experience Life as it IS rather than attempt to escape into wishful thinking and fantasy. The sooner I can embrace what IS, the sooner I can get on with living–even if that living has been substantially altered by the curveball.
The next thing to do when life throws you a curveball is what I’ll call “triage and adjust.”
Triage is a term most commonly encountered in emergency medical situations. In case you’re unfamiliar with it, triage basically means determining the order in which injured or ill people will receive care, with those most in need of it receiving care first.
In the case of a curveball, after acknowledging the new Reality, it’s time to conduct our own triage assessment of the situation and adjust accordingly. When Charis’ spasms were at their worst, she was really completely out of commission. My triage assessment led me to prioritize Charis’ and my wellbeing first–the whole airplane oxygen mask idea, then our boys’ wellbeing, then work and other obligations. The assessment helped me determine how to allocate my time, energy, and other resources in response to the curveball.
Maybe that seems like a Captain Obvious assessment. But what I can be tempted to do, and I bet some of you can relate, is to try to keep up my pre-curveball levels of productivity and performance even after a curveball has crossed the plate. When curveballs arrive, it’s not business as usual. So don’t try to act like it is. It’s time to triage and adjust. It’s time to work WITH the new Reality rather than resist it so you can move through it more effectively.
This episode is actually the result of working WITH the new Reality rather than resisting it. As my production deadline approached, I had nothing. In fact, I had never been so close to my production deadline with nothing already in the works. But, I relaxed and reminded myself that I could trust myself to get it done. The idea and the inspiration would come. Sure enough, the first flicker of an idea popped up when my wife and I were driving to my son’s track meet, and she suggested the curveball theme. That led me to begin considering how I had been approaching our season of curveballs and how I could formulate that in a way that might be useful to others. My acknowledgement of our Reality and the subsequent triage and adjustments had led to a super-tight production window. It wasn’t business as usual, so I hadn’t tried to act like it was. And when I stayed open to working WITH the new Reality, IT ended up working with ME.
The final thing to do when life throws you a curveball is get back on the offensive.
Curveballs put us back on our heels–reactive, defensive, reeling a bit. But once we’ve summoned the courage to acknowledge Reality, triaged, and adjusted, it’s time to get back on the offensive. Two questions can help us do that and avoid falling into a passive, victimy mindset:
- First, what am I able to influence or control in this situation that could improve the situation? Whatever your answer is, do that thing. Maybe you can enlist the help of a medical professional or call upon a friend to watch your kids for a bit. Maybe it’s time to cancel some commitments in order to make room for the new Reality. Whatever you can do to improve the situation, take responsibility for doing it.
- Next, in what other areas of my life can I continue to advance? It may be that not much about the curveball is within your ability to influence or control. But there are ALWAYS other areas in our lives where we can exert influence or some measure of control and advance. Finding those areas and determining to take Action in them is a powerful way to stay on the offensive in life, even if a curveball has changed life as you knew it.
Landing the Plane
Curveballs in life are inevitable. It’s not a matter of IF life will throw you one; it’s simply a matter of when and what it will be.
Improving our response to life’s curveballs, then, is an essential part of living with even more guts, gusto, and abandon. This episode has helped equip us with the mindset and the means to respond to curveballs more effectively.
When life throws us a curveball:
- First, summon the courage to acknowledge the new Reality.
- Next, triage and adjust.
- And finally, get back on the offensive.
And through it all, as you try with all your might to respond even more effectively to life’s curveballs, shower heaping portions of grace and patience on yourself. You’re a wonderful, remarkable, unique, and imperfect human. Value progress over perfection.
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So keep getting after it–even if getting after it looks a little different than it used to because life threw you one of its inevitable curveballs. Sometimes, different is better, and sometimes, different is beautiful. And sometimes, as Carl Jung said, “That which you most need will be found where you least want to look.”
What about You?
How do you respond to life’s curveballs? I’d love to know.
Message me on on Facebook, Instagram or LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
- Ep. 050 | Seize the Offensive: An Antidote to Fear, Dread, and Timid Living
What is your relationship with Death? It may seem like an odd question, but your answer to it has everything to do with your quality of life. My guest on this episode shares actionable insight into this relationship so that we can optimize our quality of life.
Introducing Dr. Frederic Tate
Dr. Frederic Tate is a fascinating human with a perspective on Life and Death forged in the crucible of end-of-life care. A trusted friend connected us, so I knew Frederic was someone I should get to know. And I took an immediate shine to him from afar when I learned that he grew up in the Appalachian Mountains like I did. It's been a pleasure getting to know him, and it's a pleasure to share his wisdom with you today.
Frederic's wisdom is backed by tons of credibility. He holds undergraduate degrees in art and psychology, completed his doctorate at Southern Illinois University, and holds a clinical affiliation in art therapy. Frederic published articles on the topic of death and dying and was fortunate to study under the tutelage of internationally-renowned psychiatrist and authority on death and dying, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. He was also one of the founders of Jack’s House, the first hospice specifically for gay men with HIV/AIDS on the East coast.
For 36 years, Frederic worked at Eastern State Hospital in Williamsburg, VA--established in colonial times as the nation's first public hospital. At Eastern State, he worked with inpatient, adult males with serious mental illness. In addition, he has served as adjunct faculty at The College of William and Mary and Eastern Virginia Medical School in Norfolk, lecturing on hospice and palliative care.
Today, Frederic is happily retired. He volunteers in hospice and at a local food pantry. He's an avid biker, hiker, kayaker, and international traveler. When he's not out in nature, he can be found at home reading, painting, or slaughtering the classics on his baby grand piano.
Some Highlights from This Conversation
- The surprising connection between the denial of Death and violence and strife in our culture
- The importance of tending to our “inner work,” especially our relationship with Death and dying
- The importance of symbols of Death and the individual and cultural cost of their absence
- Why Halloween and The Day of the Dead are among the most important holidays
- How “tasks of grieving” has replaced the 5 Stages of Grief that many of us are familiar with
- One way that our “civilized” culture would benefit from becoming “uncivilized”
- How to upgrade your relationship with Death
- And more…
Making It Matter in Your Life
Let's circle back to the question we started this episode with, but now equipped with the benefit of the conversation you just heard:
"What is your relationship with Death?"
I hope by now you're more persuaded that we all, in fact, have a relationship with Death--even if until now it's been largely an unconscious or subconscious one. And I hope, too, that you're more persuaded of the immense practical importance of understanding your personal relationship with Death and evolving it wherever it's inadequate or working against you.
If you're not persuaded yet, what's missing? What reservations or doubts need resolution?
If you are persuaded, at least sufficiently so, then what's a next step for you in evolving your relationship with Death so that it can improve your quality of life even more? Maybe, as Frederic suggested, it's time to read more on the topic. Maybe it's time to introduce concrete symbols of Death into your Life. Maybe Halloween takes on a different significance for you this year.
Whatever you decide your next step is, don't delay. Take even more responsibility for your quality of life, and take that step today.
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
I Can Help
Want support evolving your relationship with Death and improving your quality of life? I can help.
Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Books & Authors Recommended by Frederic
- The Only Dance There Is (Ram Dass)
- The Road Less Traveled (M. Scott Peck, M.D.)
- On Death and Dying (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D.)
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 001 | You're Dying: How to Make the Most of It
- Ep. 018 | Life's 3 Big Questions: A Conversation with the Coroner
Connect with Frederic: Email
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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What do you want? It's a simple enough question at face value, but it can be far from easy to answer. Many of us have never truly tried to answer it. Many of us have never been aware that it was important to do so. And many of us are a lot better at knowing what we DON'T want.
Failing to answer this question can lead to surprisingly harmful consequences--but answering it can put us on a path to unprecedented purpose and fulfillment.
Don't just take my word for it, though. In this episode, my guest, Chris Slota, gives us unfiltered access to the remarkable personal transformation he's experienced over the past couple of years--a transformation he owes in large part to his determination to begin figuring out what he wants in life. Listening back to our conversation, I was amazed to hear how many other timeless principles for living a life of purpose and fulfillment are embedded in Chris' story, too. This episode is a veritable cornucopia of practical wisdom for all of us.
Introducing Chris Slota
I met Chris and his wife, Veronica, at a dinner party almost three years ago. Not long after that, Chris became a member of one of my Graveyard Groups. Chris shares more about that whole progression and its significance in the conversation that you're about to hear.
Chris hails originally from Ohio, but he's called our little mountain town of Steamboat Springs home since 2008, and like most of us here in Steamboat, he's never looked back.
Highlights from this Episode
Here are a few of the key points and themes from this conversation:
- The importance of knowing what you do want instead of simply what you don’t want: “It’s hard to walk a path of places you don’t want to go.”
- How the Victim mentality gets in the way of knowing what you want
- To see, you have to open your eyes: How “opening his eyes” allowed Chris to see opportunities he wanted to pursue.
- How Chris opened his eyes (you can do it, too!)
- Finding your “why”
- Staying focused on the “What” more than the “How”
- Choosing your stress
A handful of bullets can’t begin to do justice to the depth of this conversation and its value for any of us wanting to find a new way forward. This episode is practically a how-to. Tune in to the full episode for the full effect.
Making it Matter in YOUR Life
An overarching theme in Chris' story is personal responsibility. Chris assumed more complete responsibility for himself by securing resources to help him find an even better way forward when he realized that his current situation wasn't satisfactory. In Chris' case, The Graveyard Group became a key ingredient in his recipe for transformation. That one simple step--proactively investing in himself with a small group of other men--paved the way for all that was to come. It created the fertile soil out of which pivotal insights would emerge--especially his awareness that he was much better at knowing what he DIDN't want than what he DID want. Those insights led to concrete action in the real world. And those actions created transformation.
Insight + Action = Transformation.
Pause for a moment and ask yourself: Where in my life am I more of a passive bystander than an active participant? Where am I failing to take complete responsibility for myself?
Whatever you come up with...Are you willing to take a page out of Chris' playbook, and do something about it?
Tomorrow never comes, folks; there's only Today. What are you waiting for?
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Learn More about The Graveyard Group
To learn more about The Graveyard Group, visit digdeepwinbig.com/thegraveyardgroup, message me on on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Connect with Chris
Email | Instagram | Twitter | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
- Ep. 021 | Sometimes, the Grass IS Greener: How a Familiar Bit of Conventional Wisdom Could be Holding You Back from the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
It's one thing to encounter Mortality unexpectedly. It's quite another thing to voluntarily put yourself in situations where encounters with Mortality are around every corner. Yet that's what my guest on this episode does often--and with jaw-dropping results. What he's learned in his years of exploring the edges of human ability will inspire you to live with more guts, gusto, and abandon than ever before--to live life in full color.
Meet Doug Tumminello, Extreme Adventurer
Doug Tumminello is an attorney by trade and a world-class adventurer at heart. His exploits include successful summits of 4 iconic mountains--including Everest and Denali, a Guinness-World-Record-setting team crossing of the Indian Ocean in a rowboat, a solo attempt to traverse the South Pole, and a plethora of other feats of endurance and perseverance like the Leadville Trail 100 Ultramarathon.
A Defining Mortality Moment
Several years into a lucrative but all-consuming law career–at one point, Doug logged 11 months straight without a single day off–Doug got word that a friend had died in a climbing accident. Doug had fallen in love with climbing in college but put it aside once he started a family and kicked off his career. But his friend’s death forced Doug to pause and reflect:
"What am I doing?" I'm spending my life in this job, which I enjoy, but it's taking up all my time, all my efforts, all my energy, and I'm abandoning those things that I really love, being out in the wild and in nature. And [I] decided at that point, that I was going to get back to doing those things I really loved to do in the outdoors. And the [day after the memorial service], had started planning for an expedition to Denali.”
And so an unexpected encounter with Mortality prompted Doug to begin pursuing adventures that voluntarily expose him to Mortality around every corner. He’s never looked back.
Highlights from This Episode
We cover a lot of rich territory in this conversation, including:
- The importance of responding to your heart's call and the costs of not doing so
- How to find the thing you're intended to do
- Embracing your mortality and organizing your life accordingly
- The “scary simple” way to break free of the gravitational pull of the status quo
- The importance of getting in touch with mystery
- Dispelling the illusion of safety and security
- Bold vs. timid living
- The thing that’s worse than dying
- Which matters more, the journey or the destination?
Tune in to the full episode for the full impact of this conversation. I know it’s made an impact on me. I’m chewing on what big adventure I might create for myself to tap into some of what Doug has learned through his experiences.
Making it Matter in YOUR Life
Doug's extreme adventures have taught him about the riches available to us when we listen to the call of our heart and following it wherever it leads us. The bigger, the better. The more profound, the better. We go further, see more, do more, and understand more when we respond to your heart's call than we ever would otherwise--even if we don't fully achieve the thing that you set out to do. We'll live life in full color rather than a diminished life in the grays and in the shadows--deluded by a false sense of safety and security.
I want that full-color kind of life. What about you?
What call of your heart are you suppressing, shrinking away from in fear, or stalled out on because the many overwhelming "hows" are distracting you from the more important "what?" Maybe you can't yet hear the call of your heart because it's drowned out by the white noise of day-to-day living. Maybe it's time for some solitude, reflection, and contemplation so your heart's call can begin to make itself known.
What's your heart telling you right now? Whatever it is...do that thing.
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Let’s Connect
What stuck with you from this episode?
Message me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Connect with Doug
Email | Facebook | LinkedIn
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 011 | Embracing Mystery, When to Call It a Day, and What Matters Most: Lessons from an Astonishing Life-After-Death Story
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
Check out Endurance: Shackleton’s Incredible Voyage (Alfred Lansing), the book Doug mentioned in this episode.
Are you giving the things that matter most the attention they deserve?
On this podcast, I try to equip us all with the mindset and the means to live with even more guts, gusto, and abandon. Today’s episode emphasizes means more than mindset and gives you a simple tool that will help you outsmart the part of you that, for whatever reason, may be dragging its feet on something that you know is important but you’re finding hard to do. With consistent use over time, this tool will help you give the things that matter most the attention they deserve.
A New Frontier
It was a crisp fall day, and my client and I were strolling along the path next to the river as we often did, engrossed in conversation. On this occasion, my client–who I’ll call Lisa–was working hard to get herself over the starting line of a project that was very dear to her heart but involved an unprecedented level of personal vulnerability. She was about to take her first steps into a new personal and professional frontier, so to speak. She had already established sufficient conviction that she wanted to explore that frontier. She was committed in her head and in her heart. Now, she was faced with the daunting challenge of actually entering the frontier that until this point she had only gazed at from afar. All of the hard personal work she’d done to this point now hinged on her ability to commit to real action in the real world–a step that would almost immediately begin to give her real-world feedback about the actual value of her project compared to the value she hoped it had.
Maybe You Can Relate?
Some of you can relate to this experience–the moment when you’re about to present your metaphorical baby to the world for the first time, hoping that the world will like it, deathly afraid that they won’t.
Complicating things for Lisa was the fact that she didn’t have to undertake this project, strictly speaking. She didn’t HAVE to present this baby to the world. No one would know if she didn’t. No lives were at stake–at least not in any obvious or direct way. Lisa was voluntarily entering a new personal and professional frontier, with all of the unknowns that it contained, because she had come to realize deep in her heart that even though no one was watching, she had to do it. It was clear to her that it was somehow part of what she was made to do in the world. So she was choosing to forge ahead because she had resolved that the cost to her of NOT doing so was higher than the cost of doing it and failing. For Lisa, the greater failure was shrinking back in the face of fear and uncertainty and regretting down the road that she didn’t respond to the call in her heart.
Some of you can relate to that cost / benefit arithmetic, too. Maybe somewhere in the recent or distant past, you faced a similar moment of truth and stopped short of entering a new frontier. And you have the regret to show for it. You can even trace a slow decline in your experience of life and your opinion of yourself back to that moment. Or maybe you successfully summoned the courage to move forward, and you have the deep personal satisfaction and real-world consequences from that experience to show for it. Some of the consequences were unequivocally great, some of them were hard–but ALL of them were useful and helped you become the person you are today. You can trace a clear improvement in your experience of life and your opinion of yourself back to that moment.
If we’re honest, I think all of us can recall at least one of each of those kinds of moments in our Stories.
Spontaneous Tool Fabrication
In Lisa’s case, the specific, real-world step that would signify her entrance into her new frontier was setting a start date for the first event in a series to which she would invite others to sign up. And right then and there, in that conversation on that crisp fall day, we fabricated the tool I want to share with you today. I’m not sure why this tool came together in that precise moment, to be honest. But it’s one of the collateral benefits of engaging in purposeful, meaningful conversations with someone over time: Every once in a while, something new and significant and unexpected emerges from the fertile soil of the partnership right when it’s needed. Something immediately useful and actionable. This was one of those times.
The tool is a simple way to commit yourself to concrete action in the real world when you’re on the verge of entering a new frontier but find yourself holding back. We’ll call it the “No Time Like the Present” tool–or NTLP. Not a very sexy name. Got any better ideas? While I await your suggestions, here’s how to use the NTLP…
How to Use the Tool
First, remind yourself that “there’s no time like the present.” After all, today is all we’ve ever got. Tomorrow never comes.
Then, in light of the fact that there’s no time like the present, ask yourself, “why not now?” Give this question real consideration. What legitimate factors or variables might make taking action at a different time more advisable? The key word here is “legitimate.” Maybe your target audience will be more available after the upcoming holiday, for example, so waiting to engage them until then makes actual sense. Maybe the person with whom you need to have the hard conversation will be out of town for another week, and an in-person conversation is what’s needed. But be on the lookout for factors or variables that you concoct to avoid the discomfort of crossing over the threshold of your new frontier–factors or variables that are figments of Resistance at work within you rather than genuine, real-world obstacles. It can be tricky to distinguish between them–especially when fear is in the mix–so take your time here.
If no legitimate things come to mind, then take that first real-world step into your new frontier right then and there. There’s no time like the present!
If something legitimate does come up, though, that makes taking action later more advisable, then move on to the third and final step: Ask yourself, “if not now, when?” Set the date and time when or by which you will do the thing that needs to be done. Put it on your calendar to put yourself on the hook.
Back to Lisa’s Story…
Lisa put this newly-forged tool to good use right then and there and set the start date for her event series. With that decision, she crossed the threshold into her new personal and professional frontier. And that one decision set in motion a string of other decisions and actions that needed attention in order to actually start on the date that she set. Lisa was moving forward and picking up momentum. She was on her way.
Lisa’s relief and exhilaration was obvious and immediate as we continued our walk along the river on that crisp fall day. It’s like that isn’t it–when we haul ourselves over a starting line, sometimes kicking and screaming on the outside, but knowing deep down that it’s not only what we truly want, it’s also what’s best for us. We feel better, and we actually get stronger. We move forward with more purpose and resolve and clarity. We are more the person we were made to be, living more of the life we were made to live.
Lisa ran that first event series, and she learned a lot from the real-world results of that experience that she can plow back into the soil for an even better harvest next time. Some of the lessons were enjoyable, and others were less so. But as we mentioned earlier, ALL of them were useful. Lisa wouldn’t have gotten the benefit of those lessons and the internal growth that went along with them if she hadn’t used the tool we created together to put herself on the hook.
Now, you can use it, too.
Recap
Let’s recap. The “No Time Like the Present” tool is a simple way to commit yourself to concrete action in the real world when you’re on the verge of entering a new frontier but find yourself holding back. It’s a way to help you give the things that matter most the attention they deserve TODAY rather than continuing to wait until the ever-elusive “tomorrow.”
First, remind yourself that there’s no time like the present.
Then, ask yourself, “why not now?” If you can’t come up with any legitimate reasons to wait, then take action NOW.
If you do come up with a legitimate reason or two, though, then ask yourself, “if not now, when?” And put it on the calendar to put yourself on the hook.
There you have it, the NTLP.
And please…rescue this tool from it’s deathly boring acronym. Send me your suggestions!
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
I Want to Know…
How will you use the NTLP to give something in your life more of the attention that it deserves?
Message me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
When push comes to shove, what really matters most to you in this life?
That may be the most important question any of us can ask ourselves. And getting the answer right may be more important than almost anything else on this side of the grave.
My guest on this episode shares a perspective on what matters most that she's acquired from almost two decades on the front lines of end-of-life care. I think ALL of us need to hear what she has to say so we can evaluate and calibrate our priorities before the grim reaper comes a'calling.
Fair warning: My guest's message to us is delivered in the context of stories from her experiences serving those who are dying. Some of her stories are inherently heartwarming, but one story in particular is harder to hear. I think BOTH kinds of stories are invaluable in their ability to help us truly and courageously confront our own Mortality so that we're motivated to live with guts, gusto, and abandon right NOW. So that we don't keep putting off the things that matter most until the ever-elusive "tomorrow."
I personally hope that you'll tune into the full episode. This conversation impacted me deeply. But I wanted you to know in advance what to expect so you can make your own decision.
Meet Rev. Dr. Nicole McDonald
The Reverend Dr. Nicole McDonald is a native of Hampton, VA, and she's by far the most highly-educated guest I've ever had on this show. She earned a Bachelor of Science in Civil Engineering, a Master of Divinity degree, a Master of Science in Patient Counseling, and a Doctor of Ministry degree. Currently, Nicole is a PhD student in African American Preaching and Sacred Rhetoric. And somehow, in the midst of all of that academic work, Nicole was also able to serve as a hospice chaplain for 13 years--providing emotional and spiritual support to patients living with terminal illnesses. Today, she serves as a Bereavement Coordinator & Chaplain for Sentara Hospice in Newport News, VA.
Nicole's degrees and experience certainly lend her a certain kind of credibility right out of the gate. But behind all of the impressive academic accomplishments and professional experience is a woman deeply interested in the human condition, in what it truly means to live and die well, in helping the dying transition well, and a woman deeply committed to not only imparting what she's learned to others but embodying it in her own life, too. And I think you'll agree that, in the final analysis, those qualities are a form of credibility that rival any other.
Highlights From This Episode
We hit on a lot of big topics in a relatively short conversation, including:
- The intrinsic value of every human life
- The surprising reality of how many “religious” people relate to Death
- The difference between a “good death” and a “bad death”
- You hardwired relationship between how we live and how we die
- How to be honest with ourselves about our health
- The importance of life insurance
- And what matters most in this life, in the final analysis: our relationships. According to Nicole, “Your relationships are your biggest asset, so treat them as such.”
Making the Most of What Matters Most
"Your relationships are your biggest asset, so treat them as such."
That's how Nicole summed up the one thing that she hopes we take away from her Story and her experience.
Our relationships are the most important thing in life and the only thing left when we die.
You can envision your relationships as a series of concentric circles. Think of it as your Relationship Radar screen. At the very center is you. Circles closer to the center represent relationships that are more important to you, and circles farther from the center represent relationships that are less important to you, relatively speaking. Plot the initials of the person with whom you have your most important relationship on the first circle. For some of you, that will be a spouse or partner or maybe your closest friend. For others of you, that might be a parent or child. Whoever it is, though, force yourself to pick just one relationship for that first circle. Then, plot more initials on the other circles moving outward from the center, from more to less importance, relatively speaking.
Next, consider the condition of the relationship that occupies the first circle on your Relationship Radar Screen. What shape is it in? Where is it thriving? Where is it languishing? And what can you do about it? Give this relationship absolute top priority in terms of how you focus your time, energy, and attention. Continue your evaluation of the relationships in each circle moving outward from there. What condition are they in, and what time, energy, and attention are you willing and able to give to those relationships?
When it's our turn to die, it will be abundantly clear how well we tended to our most important relationships. We can't cram for that exam. We reap then what we're sowing today.
Your relationships are your biggest asset. Are you treating them as such?
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
I’d Love to Know…
How did this episode impact your perspective on your relationships?
Message me on Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn @AndrewPettyCoach, or email me at andrew@digdeepwinbig.com.
Connect with Nicole: Email
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 011 | Embracing Mystery, When to Call It a Day, and What Matters Most: Lessons from an Astonishing Life-After-Death Story
- Ep. 031 | How's the Conversation Going? Improving Your Most Important Relationships One Conversation at a Time
What do you consider risky?
A harrowing late-night brush with Death in 2018 changed Andrea Green's life forever. Since then, she's related to risk very differently and lives with even more guts, gusto, and abandon as a result.
This episode will challenge your relationship with risk. And I hope it will encourage you to change your relationship with it, too.
Meet Andrea
Andrea lives in Truckee, California, where her life and work reflect her passion for adventure, travel, and the outdoors. She works for Jones snowboards and owns a freelance marketing and graphic design business on the side. With her Australian Shepherd adventure buddy, Chip, Andrea loves snowboarding, mountain biking, split-boarding, hiking, running, and anything else that allows her to explore new places.
This episode is dedicated to Theo, Andrea's best friend and beloved canine companion who didn't survive that fateful night back in 2018--which is where we picked up the story…
Life Changes Forever
To avoid traffic and get there more quickly, Andrea decided to drive through the night to Oregon from Steamboat Springs, CO to visit her family. Around 1:00am, a drunk driver swerved into her lane and hit her head-on.
Andrea was trapped in the car for two hours as EMS personnel worked to extricate her. At one point, the car burst into flames. Another driver had a fire extinguisher in his car and saved Andrea from the inferno.
As Andrea waited to be freed from the car, she listened as Theo took his last breath next to her.
Andrea broke her ankle, femur, tailbone, back, wrist, and collarbone, and she lost four of six total pints of blood volume due to lacerations. She went into surgery that night, spent 4 days in ICU, two weeks in the hospital, and nine months recovering at home with her family. She’s since had 5 more surgeries–the most recent just weeks before we recorded this episode. Four years later, the accident is still very much with her.
Highlights from Our Conversation
- How to resist the temptation to play the Victim card
- The personal power that comes from focusing only on what you can control and leaving the rest alone
- The perils of staying in your comfort zone
- Rethinking risk to gain the reward of a life that you love
Making it Matter for You
Pause for a moment. I mean really pause. Let the swirl of life continue to swirl around as you quiet your heart and mind. Now, search within yourself for something that you want to do or even know you need to do that feels risky to you. I'm confident that ALL of us can come up with something. How risky is it, really? With the hard-won perspective born of a close personal encounter with Mortality, the loss of her best friend, and the physical and emotional trial that ensued, Andrea challenged us all to not let fear be the thing that gets in the way of what we want or need to do. Are you willing to borrow a page from Andrea's playbook and go for it?
I am. In fact, after recording this episode, I decided to declare 2022 a year of boldness. A year to pull the trigger on the things I've been dragging my feet on or shrinking back in fear from. A year to experience the real-world consequences of risks taken rather than suffer the diminishment that occurs when I don't take the risk and can only wonder what might have happened if I had. You heard it here, and you can hold me to it.
Back to you and the risk you have in mind. What's just one thing you're willing and able to do TODAY in the direction of that risk? Whatever your answer is...do it.
Life is SHORT. There is no Tomorrow--only Today.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
How are you changing your relationship with risk? Shoot me a note on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Andrea
Email | Instagram | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- Ep. 006 | The Nine Lives of Lise Leroux: One Woman's Mind-blowing Tale of Living With a Terminal Diagnosis
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 047 | Victim to Victor: How to Take Responsibility for Your Own Happiness
- Ep. 050 | Seize the Offensive: An Antidote to Fear, Dread, and Timid Living
Have you ever frozen in the face of fear? Have you ever dreaded the prospect of the day ahead or a difficult conversation you have to have?
Me, too. A couple of times just recently, in fact.
Maybe you’re glad 2021 is in the rearview mirror but dreading what 2022 might bring? You’re back on your heels, wary and anxious, waiting for the next catastrophe.
In this episode, I share a simple but powerful strategy for mastering your fear, combating dread, and going from back on your heels to leaning forward into life. This strategy comes to you compliments of my 9-year-old son, Marshall, who recently brought it to life for me in a whole new way.
The Challenge
I stood at the top of the hill, looking down towards my 9-year-old son, Marshall, and his 15-year-old cousin, Jeremiah. Beyond them, our house sat tucked between other houses across the street at the bottom of the hill. To my right stretched the Yampa Valley in its march westward with the flow of the Yampa River. In front of me, from my perch on the hill, I could see over the rest of our little neighborhood to where the Yampa Valley curved east and south against the mountains that Steamboat Ski Resort calls home.
Finally, the view all around was mostly white instead of the persistent brown of a longer-than-usual fall. It was a beautiful bluebird winter day in Colorado–one of the first in a winter that had been stubbornly slow to get going.
The season’s first snows had provided just enough cover to make sledding worthwhile, and Marshall and a few of his cousins were milking it for all it was worth. Marshall was at the top of the hill near me, and Jeremiah was trudging back up the hill after his run. As we watched Jeremiah ascend, he paused for a moment and pronounced to all that he would give them three tries to hit him with a snowball as he closed the distance between where he stood and the top of the hill.
Challenge accepted!
The Plot Thickens
I began to lob high, arcing mortar rounds from my position. And Marshall started launching high-velocity snowballs from his. We may or may not have exceeded the three-snowball limit Jeremiah specified; history is so hard to recall accurately, sometimes, especially when it’s shrouded in the fog of war. You understand.
One thing was certain though: When the snowballs had stopped flying and the snow dust had cleared, a grim scene remained. Jeremiah was on his knees, stunned, slowly beginning to clear a massive, newly-deposited clump of snow from the center of his face. It was so big that just his eyes and ears were clearly visible. I wasn’t sure who was responsible for the direct hit, but I did know it wasn’t me. What kind of animal do you take me for, anyway?
It didn’t take long though–as I glanced over and saw the panic-stricken look on his face–to realize that Marshall was the marksman who’d delivered the devastating blow.
“Oh man,” I thought to myself, “this could get interesting.”
The Twist
Jeremiah continued slowly clearing the snow from his face, taking a moment both to recover from the blow and consider his next move. Then, understandably, according to the unwritten but universally-accepted rules of snowball warfare, he began to assemble a snowball of significant proportions from the snow right around him. Marshall had it coming to him.
And in an instant, Marshall, seeing Jeremiah’s snowball-of-unusual-size, or SOUS, taking shape, went from frozen still and panic-stricken to wildly motivated, and sent himself hurtling at Jeremiah with a battle cry unlike any I’d ever heard from him before. It was precisely the opposite of what I’d expected.
The scene mesmerized me, and it seemed to play out almost in slow motion. Here was my much smaller 9-year-old charging hell bent for leather at his much bigger 15-year-old cousin, apparently with some idea that it made sense to do so. At first, it seemed sort of like Don Quixote charging a windmill. What possible chance did Marshall have of succeeding?
But you know what? It worked.
Marshall barreled into Jeremiah before he was able to prepare his weapon of mass destruction, and they both went down in a tangle of limbs and flying snow.
I don’t even think Marshall took any direct hits of consequence in the scuffle that ensued. By taking the offensive, Marshall required his opponent to be on the defensive, and prevented him from being able to unleash the barrage that might otherwise have followed.
Well-played, Marshall, well-played. And thanks for the life lesson.
The Moral of the Story
Whether it’s paralyzing fear, debilitating dread, preoccupation with the future, or anything else that threatens to immobilize you or take you out of the game…be Marshall.
Seize the advantage. Face your fear and advance courageously toward its source. Put your fear on its heels as you press forward into the fray. Don’t give it a chance to overwhelm you or convince you to run away.
Be Marshall.
Harness the fear and channel it into a new kind of energy that propels you into action. Start your day. Have the conversation. Face the bad news. Take the first steps toward your audacious goal.
Be Marshall.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Seize the Offensive…STAY on the Offensive!
Marshall motivated himself to go on the offensive in the story I shared today. But staying on the offensive in life over the long haul–amidst all of the challenges that come our way–requires more guts and gusto than any of us can muster on our own. We need help from others who are committed to our wellbeing and success.
That’s why I created the Graveyard Group, a mastermind designed to help you become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. We tap into the power of our Mortality to motivate us to leave it all out on the field of life and eliminate deathbed regrets. I’m forming another in-person group locally here in Steamboat Springs, and my colleague Beth Romano is forming the first-ever group for women. Beth’s group will also be the first-ever virtual group.
Go Here to learn more, including how to join a Graveyard Group. You can also connect with me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- Ep. 006 | The Nine Lives of Lise Leroux: One Woman's Mind-blowing Tale of Living With a Terminal Diagnosis
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
Holiday Reboot Intro
This episode is the second of two holiday reboots, specifically selected from the archive with the unique complexities of the holiday season in mind. I sliced and diced here and there and added a smidge, too, in an effort to make this episode as engaging and useful as possible.
This episode happens to be an all-time listener favorite. I picked it for a holiday reboot especially because of its emphasis on the priority of people, the magical mundane moments simply passing time with those we love, and–as a new year approaches–the importance of making the changes we know we need to make NOW.
One note before we jump in: My guest in this episode, Tony Gonzalez, mentions Rob Ryg several times. Rob is the coroner in our little corner of Colorado, and he was my guest on episode 018, Life’s 3 Big Questions: A Conversation with the Coroner. That episode was another listener favorite, and if you haven’t tuned in to that one yet, it’s well worth the listen.
Death on a Daily Basis
When harrowing encounters with Death are a routine part of your job, how does it change the way you live?
On today's episode, my friend Tony Gonzalez helps us answer that question based on his 25 years of service as a firefighter and put the lessons he's learned to work in OUR lives right now.
Meet Tony Gonzalez
At the peak of his career as a big city firefighter, in 2017 Tony traded in his badge, uniform, and hard-won seniority for a “mundane” life in the small mountain town where he grew up. After 25 years of almost daily encounters with trauma and Mortality in the line of duty, one particular encounter with Mortality finally convinced Tony that enough was enough. His peers and colleagues scratched their heads in disbelief when he made the decision. But he's never looked back.
Tony is a native of Steamboat Springs, and after 25 years in the city, in 2018 he moved back to Steamboat with his wife and two boys to begin writing a new chapter in their story. Since 2001, concurrent with his fire service career, Tony has been co-owner of Garage Composites--the nation's largest consulting firm to the powersports industry, and that is his primary professional focus today.
I met Tony through a mutual friend, and he soon became a member of one of the Graveyard Group masterminds I lead. In that setting, on a weekly basis, Tony and his fellow Graveyard Group members remember that they ARE going to die, but they're not dead yet--and they work on the things that matter most in their lives. Today. Because "tomorrow" never comes. And Death always does. We talk a bit about Tony's experience in the Graveyard Group in this episode--about how consciously keeping Mortality in mind with the confidential, compassionate, no BS support of 5 other guys helps him leave it all out on the field of life.
It's been a personal pleasure to get to know Tony over the past year, and it's a special pleasure to introduce you to him so you can integrate his life lessons and hard-won wisdom into your own life.
Highlights from the Conversation
- Tony compares the camaraderie he gained and treasured in the fire service with the camaraderie he’s gained as a member of a Graveyard Group mastermind. A trait that both the fire service and The Graveyard Group share is that each has a common, unifying purpose--in the fire service, to save lives, and in the The Graveyard Group, to leave it all out on the field of life. When there’s a shared, compelling purpose, there’s an opportunity for deep and meaningful camaraderie.
- Tony shares how repeated exposure to trauma and death in the line of duty changes you in ways that are both useful and harmful. We explore how our reaction to Death is both understandable on the one hand AND counter-productive on the other when we try too hard to avoid Death’s inevitability.
- Tony’s best friend in the fire service died tragically in the line of duty. The worst thing Tony saw in all his years of service was the look on his friend’s 13-year-old son’s face when he learned his dad had died. The worst thing Tony heard in his years of service was the same young man’s scream when he heard the news. Tony was somehow able to reconcile all of the other civilian and firefighter deaths he’d experienced. But he wasn’t able to reconcile his best friend’s death and the reaction of his son. Remarkably, Tony says that his friend’s death was even more painful than the recent death of his father and the loss of his first child at birth, a stillborn daughter. This was the tipping point that led Tony to take the off-ramp to a new life with his family.
- In his work with Garage Composites post-fire service, Tony went from anywhere between 40-50 weeks a year on the road to none in 2020 as a result of COVID. That forced change in this new chapter of his family’s story has led to a new commitment to dramatically reduce his time away from home once travel is once again
Some Key Takeaways
- Keep the date you set with friends to get together.
- Do the “mundane” stuff with the people you love.
- Show up with your ski gear on when you pick your kid up from ski school, and take a few laps with him or her. It’ll make their day.
- If you see an “off-ramp” to a different and better way of life, take it!
- When Death shows up in your life, be shocked, grieve like there’s no tomorrow, allow yourself to feel the pain and loss. Then, keep moving.
Tune In!
There’s a LOT more in this episode than these shownotes can hope to capture. Tony’s warmth and wisdom abound in this conversation.
Change is Simple
I have a simple formula for change: Insight + Action = Transformation. Which is not the same as to say that change is always easy. But the anatomy of change is, in fact, simple. And you can take the first steps toward the change you want in your life today.
What Insight emerged for you from this conversation with Tony? What's just one thing--no matter how small--you could do today to put that Insight into Action? Don't worry about all of the steps that might be necessary after the first one. Just be sure to take that first one today.
A thousand different reasons will pop up why taking that Action today is unreasonable or unnecessary, or why it might be better to think about it a bit more first or get others' opinions or do some more research. This is the voice of inertia, though, the voice of the status quo--whispering to you that it's not that big a deal to hold off on taking that step. That, in fact, it might even be prudent to let your Insight marinate a bit more first.
And that voice in this moment is the enemy of the life you know you were made to live. If you listen to it, It will keep you right where you are--stuck in whatever unsatisfactory state you find yourself.
Because it's less about the specific Action you decide to take than it is about your steadfast commitment to ACT. Your resolve to do what you can right now to move toward what you want.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Something NEW! Is it for you?
Tony shared a bit about the impact The Graveyard Group has had in his life. I’m excited to share that the first-ever women’s Graveyard Group is starting in January 2022. It’s also the first-ever virtual group, so it’s location-neutral, and my amazing colleague, Beth Romano, will lead it. In this setting, with your personal advisory board of 5 other women and Beth as your coach, you make time each week to invest in your life's most important work and eliminate deathbed regrets.
Go here to learn more, including how to join. You can also connect with me directly on Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn @AndrewPettyCoach, or email me.
Connect with Tony
Email | Website | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, Check Out These, Too
- Ep. 010 | Life is a House With Many Rooms: Would Your House Pass Inspection?
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
As I looked ahead to podcast production around the holidays, I realized my creative juices were running low and my desire for more discretionary time was running high.
So, I cut myself some slack, and I’ve got something different cooked up for you.
This episode is the first of two holiday reboots of previous episodes, chosen specifically with the unique complexities of this time of year in mind and with some adjustments here and there to make it even more relevant to the season.
And perhaps no time of year reveals the health of our relationships better than the holidays. This episode provides insights and tools for improving your most important relationships, derived from my own observations, personal experience, and work with clients. If you’re willing to apply what sticks with you from this episode, it might just help you have the best holiday season you’ve ever had.
The results are up to you.
How’s the Conversation Going?
When is the last time a conversation didn’t go well between you and someone especially important to you? Or, when was the last time you avoided a conversation that you knew you needed to have--only to have it turn into a bigger and more intense conversation later when the proverbial shit hit the fan? If you’re anything like me and most of the other humans inhabiting Planet Earth, you don’t have to go back very far in your mental files to recall that conversation that went badly or the one you avoided that came back around to haunt you.
Some of the deepest regrets people experience in their last days or after losing someone they love come from wishing they’d never said that one thing or had been brave enough to say that other thing.
We ARE going to die. But we’re not dead yet. Let’s take a look at how we can improve our conversations with those we love and cherish most while we still have the chance.
Our Relationships = A Conversation
In my line of work, the relationship between my client and someone else important to them--like a spouse, partner, parent, or child--comes up frequently as a matter of concern, hurt, stress, or disappointment. And more often than not, in those situations the quality of the capitol-C Conversation in their relationship is suffering.
In fact, our most important relationships are like one big capitol-C Conversation made up of thousands and thousands of smaller conversations over the years.
That capital-C Conversation is of course made up of the words we do say. But it’s also made up of the words we decide NOT to say and the little conversations we avoid because they’re too inconvenient or uncomfortable in the moment. What we say matters, and what we don’t say matters, too. Sometimes, there are way too many words, and sometimes there are way too few.
Make It Personal (Part 1)
Pause for a moment: Look back right now on the capitol-C Conversation you’ve had over the years with someone close to you. What’s it been like, overall? Full of honesty--sometimes to the point of doing harm? Contentious? Riddled with suspicion and one-ups-manship? Maybe it’s been playful and adventurous but sometimes lacked the gravity that it needed in order to navigate challenging seasons. Maybe one person in the relationship always “wins” and the other one always “loses.” Maybe you can honestly say that even though there have been lapses, overall the conversation has been maturing through the years.
Whatever it’s been like, though, I think we can all acknowledge that there is room for growth somewhere. We’re not in pursuit of perfection. But we are in pursuit of even more substance and meaning and joy and satisfaction in the conversations that matter most, in the relationships that matter most. So that when either they or we breathe our last, we can say with conviction that we gave it everything we had.
Let’s look first at common barriers to improving the Conversation in the relationships that matter most to us. Then, we’ll explore a few ways to begin improving those conversations right away.
2 Common Barriers to Improving the Conversation
Here are two of the most common barriers to improving the Conversation that I’ve observed:
- Our Own Stuff: Obviously, this is a big one. Maybe we dislike conflict and just expect that any attempt to improve the capital-C Conversation will create conflict. Maybe we don’t assign enough value to what we see, think, want, or need. Or maybe we’re overwhelmed by our sense of how much time and energy it will take to turn things in a better direction. We might doubt that anything we do will make much of a difference, so why try? Past attempts to improve the conversation haven’t yielded much, so what’s the point? Those are just a few of the ways in which our own stuff can stand in the way, but there are many more, and we each have our favorite flavors.
- The Status Quo: We get so accustomed to relating to each other in a certain way that it’s simply easier day-to-day to just stay on the well-worn path that we know--even though that well-worn path often doesn’t lead to good destinations in your relationship. And over time, it becomes a deeply rutted path with steep sides that make getting out of it seem even more challenging. Ladies and gents, the status quo is not benign. The status quo can be a mortal enemy standing between us and the best things in life. We’ll touch on this more when we get to how to improve the conversation.
Make It Personal (part 2)
Let’s pull over to the side of the road for a minute, so to speak, before we go any farther. With whom in your life is the Conversation not going as well as you’d like? More than one person may come to mind, but for now, just think of one. While you’re at it, that person might as well be someone important to you--someone with whom improving the Conversation would be a big win. After all, among other things on Andrew Petty is Dying, we’re intent on eliminating deathbed regrets. And which regrets are most painful if not those that have to do with the most important people in our lives?
Reflect for a moment on your part in the “capital C” Conversation with the person you have in mind. Which barriers to improving the Conversation are within your ability to influence or change? Is your own stuff getting in the way, and it’s time to step up and take responsibility for it more completely than you have been? Or have the well-worn Conversational paths become so deeply rutted that it’s easier to stay in them than create new ones? What power do YOU have in the relationship to forge new paths?
It takes two to tango, as they say, so acknowledging how we can do better in a Conversation doesn’t absolve the other person of their responsibility. But we can’t take responsibility for the other person’s conduct in the conversation. Only our own. So stay laser-focused on doing the best you can on your end.
Keep your part in the capital “C” Conversation with this person in mind now as we pull back onto the road and explore this topic further.
How to Improve the Conversation
Alright, so we’ve touched on two of the most common barriers to improving the capital-C Conversation with the most important people in our lives--our own stuff and the power of the Status Quo.
Now, let’s turn our attention to how to improve the Conversation--things we can do starting today. This won’t be a comprehensive list, but I think the following things are high bang-for-buck and can get us all a lot further down the road.
- First, take responsibility for your own stuff. Do your own work. And get help if you need it. We usually lack sufficient objectivity on our own stuff to see it clearly enough to do much about it. A mentor, a therapist, a coach, or a trusted friend can help you get clearer on what’s preventing you from taking the next step in improving the Conversation and find ways to address it.
- Next, motivate yourself. This is critical if we’re going to shrug off the smothering influence of the status quo and create a new way forward. Envision the good things on the other side of the awkwardness and challenge of improving the Conversation. Also, allow yourself to feel the pain and regret you’d experience if you didn’t do your part to improve the Conversation when you still had the chance. And revisit the reality and inevitability of your Mortality to give you that last bit of resolve to get moving in a new direction.
- Then, have the little conversation now. We can pay a little now--in awkwardness, difficult emotions, etc.--or a lot later. It may feel easier to skip it for now, but that bill will come due eventually, with compounded interest. For example, maybe you feel like your spouse doesn’t communicate family calendar items to you very well. Since you’re working harder now to first take responsibility for your own stuff, you realize you’re feeling increasingly resentful about this because it can create a lot of inconvenience for you. You’re also taking new responsibility for the fact that you’ve never actually brought it up. So, the next time it happens, you break free of the Status Quo and risk having a little conversation about it in the moment instead of letting it slide by unaddressed again.
One way that my wife and I have the little conversations now before they become big, hairy conversations is by having lunch together once a week. Sometimes one of us has something specific to discuss. But often, there’s no specific agenda other than creating a regular time for the little conversations to occur as needed. When we’re in this habit, the quality of our capital-C Conversation is usually much better. When we fall out of this habit, the quality typically declines, slowly but surely.
Experiment with what works for you. But whatever you do, don’t put off having the little conversation now before you’re forced to have the big, hairy conversation later.
Recap
Creating a capital-C Conversation with those closest to us that we’ll be proud of in hindsight is the ongoing work of a lifetime. This work compounds over time, so the investment we make in it today matters.
Let’s recap the key points we’ve covered.
We first discussed two of the most common barriers to improving the Conversation, namely, our own stuff and the Status Quo. Then, we turned our attention to how to improve the Conversation--things we can do starting today. First, we take responsibility for our own stuff that’s getting in the way of a better conversation. Next, we motivate ourselves so we can shrug off the smothering influence of the status quo and create a new way forward. Then, we resolve to have the little conversation now.
Just One Thing
New conversations bring new results. Sometimes, those new results are immediate and amazing. But they’re not always super enjoyable, especially at the beginning, as the other person adjusts to the new conversation, too. That’s ok. Be patient, and extend grace and the benefit of the doubt to yourself and the other person. And sometimes, it’s useful to have a professional help the two of you learn how to have the conversation more productively. That’s a smart move if you’re not finding a good way forward on your own, despite your best efforts.
The goal, BTW, is not to manipulate or change the other person. The goal is to do our part to create a higher-quality, healthier, more honest, and more enjoyable capital-C Conversation overall. That Conversation is made of thousands of other little conversations over the years. And you can begin to improve it today.
So resolve today to give a mighty heave and shrug off the smothering influence of the status quo, choose courage in the face of fear, doubts, and uncertainty, and resolve to do just one thing differently today. What will that one thing be for you?
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Make It Personal (part 3)
Bring to mind again the person you thought of earlier--the one with whom the Conversation isn’t going as well as you’d like. What gift will you give them this holiday season to demonstrate your desire to improve your relationship? What investment will you make in the creation of an even better Conversation? Are you willing to be the one to break free of the old deeply rutted path and start carving out a new one?
Make no mistake: Opening up new frontiers in our most important relationships is not for the faint of heart. In my opinion, it’s some of the hardest, most important, and most heroic work we can do in our lifetimes.
I help people just like you have better conversations with the most important people in their lives. Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. I hope you and yours have a fantastic holiday season. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 039 | How to Change the World: An Antidote to Apathy and Despair in an Age of Doom and Gloom
It's not a question of WHETHER we'll experience hardship and tragedy in Life; rather, it's a matter of when, what it'll be, and how we'll respond to it.
When hardship and tragedy entered Erica Adams' life, she had a choice to remain a Victim or become a Victor. Her courageous choice to become a Victor has produced hard-won wisdom in Erica that all of us can benefit from.
On this podcast, with Mortality in mind, my goal is to equip you with the mindset and the means to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. The determination to be a Victor rather than a Victim is one of the most important aspects of a mindset that will empower you to live that way. Erica's Story embodies the Victor spirit, and shows us how to embrace it ourselves.
A word of warning before we go any farther: Erica's Story includes domestic abuse. She doesn't go into detail, but for some of you, this subject matter might hit especially close to home. I hope you'll tune in to the full episode because there's so much gold for all of us in Erica's Story, whether or not abuse is part of your experience. But of course that's a decision you'll have to make for yourself.
Meet Erica Adams
Erica Adams is a "mountain-raised, globally-inspired" CO native, mom, and entrepreneur. She started Mountain Girl Creative to create quality content that touches its reader. Her background as an artist and photographer with years of marketing and sales experience allows her to help businesses see the big picture. She started the Mountain Girl Creative blog to share her voice, insights, and experiences, express what matters to her, and help others grow, too. In Erica's own words, "it takes vulnerability, courage, and strength to share our journey, and I hope my lessons touch and inspire others."
Erica’s Story
Erica has had two experiences with domestic abuse, each at the hands of two different men. What began as loving, meaningful relationships gradually devolved into psychological manipulation and acts of violence upon her and her daughter. Erica doesn’t go into detail, but she shares enough for us to appreciate how emotionally and physically destructive the abuse was. Her recounting of those chapters in her story sets the stage for sharing what she learned from the experiences--both about the origins and nature of domestic abuse and about herself.
3 Lessons
Erica shared 3 big lessons she’s learned through her ordeals. In her own words:
- Get professional help, the earlier in life the better, so you become aware of negative patterns, tendencies you might have, dysfunction you need to acknowledge, and of course tools that help us not only to cope, but to make changes.
- Don't settle for just surviving your life, whether it be in a marriage, a job, where you live, your health. If you're not living your best life, then work at making it what you want. Life is too short to play it so safe that you end up with too many should've's and not enough bravery to build a life you can be proud of.
- Sometimes you have to lose it all or start completely from scratch to find your passion. Whether it be sticking with life-consuming marketing jobs to long because it’s “safe” and a steady paycheck, but dreading going to work each day.
Other Takeaways
Embedded in Erica’s story are themes that I try to emphasize regularly on this show.
- Take responsibility for yourself. There’s always something we can do to improve our situation, even if we’ve truly been the victim of another’s ill-will. This mindset allows us to move from Victim to Victor, stay in our personal power, and find a way forward no matter the situation we’re in.
- Our Story and our Purpose in the world are inseparable. In Erica’s case, her ordeal led her to discover a passion for writing and a purpose for her Story. How is your Story pointing to your unique Purpose in the world in ways that you’re not yet acknowledging.
Tune in to the full episode for all of the gold that Erica brings for taking responsibility for our own happiness. It’s a good ‘un!
The 2 Most Important Questions
Here are the two most important questions of this whole episode, so listen carefully: What stuck with you, and what are you going to do with it? Take a few slow, deep breaths, and search your heart and mind for your most truthful answers to those questions. What's bubbling up from within you? Now, write your answers down. Commit them to paper to make them just a bit more real, to increase your level of self-accountability just a bit more. Remember, it's not necessary or even always useful to take huge, sweeping action on your insight. Instead, commit to taking just the next step--whatever you're genuinely willing and able to do. Take one of those "micro actions" that Erica mentioned. Over time, consistent micro actions yield big results.
Next, envision in your mind's eye the difference it will make if you actually do the thing you're considering doing as a result of listening to this episode. Be specific. How will your life and your world improve?
Finally, invite the Mortality Mindset into the equation--the reality that you ARE going to die, and it could even be one day very soon. How does that reality influence your motivation to put your insights from this episode into action?
"Tomorrow" never comes, my friends.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So, like Erica, get after it!
I Can Help You Take Complete Responsibility for Your Own Happiness
A powerful, confidential 1-1 coaching partnership or participation in a Graveyard Group can help you live even more courageously and kill deathbed regrets. And the first-ever women's Graveyard Group is forming now. Connect with me to learn more.
Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Connect with Erica
Email | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Twitter | Website | Blog | Google Business
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 008 | More Alive Than Ever: How Pain Points the Way to Purpose
- Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
- Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
Can the Mortality Mindset actually change your life?
If my life is any indication, then the answer is a resounding yes.
I practice what I preach--not perfectly, of course, but with genuine intent. All this Mortality Mindset stuff isn’t just academic or an angle for me; it’s personal. This episode was an attempt to articulate and celebrate how the consistent practice of the Mortality Mindset has changed me. Because as I reflect on the past three years and observe who I am today and how I operate in the world, I see some clear improvements.
Aaaaand right now some of you who know me well might be chuckling a bit as my many obvious deficiencies spring to mind. And fair enough. But my goal is to compare myself to who I was yesterday, not to who someone else is today--to quote my favorite distance mentor, Jordan Peterson. I’ve got a long way to go still. But I’m grateful for how far I’ve come. And I’m beyond grateful for how Mortality has propelled me forward.
I hope that the results I’m seeing in my own life will encourage you and motivate you to double-down on this life-changing way of living--with Mortality in mind.
Setting the Stage
Before we dive into the results I’m experiencing, a couple preliminary thoughts are in order.
First, a disclaimer...I don’t mean to imply that the observations I share today and call “improvements” in my own life are irrefutably “improvements”. You may disagree with me in categorizing some or all of the changes as changes in a positive direction. And you might be right, partially or completely. But I do unapologetically assert that the changes I’ll share have created a qualitatively better experience of life for me. I feel better and, I think, operate better in the world because of them. And based upon these early results, I think it’s very likely that persisting in the Mortality Mindset will allow me to look back on my life with greater pride and satisfaction and fewer regrets whenever the grim reaper comes a-callin’. As ER doc David Talbott said in episode 045, “from the day we're born, we're all a statistic waiting to happen. We just haven't been introduced to the lethal details yet.”
And second, let’s define the Mortality Mindset so we’re on the same page to start with. Simply put, the Mortality Mindset is the habit and practice of living each day with your Mortality in mind and making real-world decisions based upon that awareness. Choosing this instead of that, prioritizing this over that, summoning the courage right here and now to do the hard thing, tackle the big thing, and give attention to what matters most. Living today as if it’s the only day you’ve got because, in fact, it IS!
The Top 4 Ways that the Mortality Mindset had Improved My Life
Now, without further ado, here are top 4 ways that the Mortality Mindset has improved my life.
First, I’m braver. Fear and anxiety have less power in my life.
If you tune in to this show regularly, then you know that the longest and most intense battle of my life so far has been with anxiety. A big turning point came a few years ago when, in desperation, I began to accept the anxiety rather than fight it. That acceptance transformed the anxiety into something useful in my life and revolutionized my self-confidence. I won’t go into that transformation any more here, but if you’re interested in hearing more, tune into episode 003, How to Turn Your Imperfections into Superpowers: The Key to Unlocking Your Unique Purpose.
As awesome as that transformation was--and it truly was--the anxiety still created pain and chaos in my heart and mind on a regular basis. But it dawned on me recently that I’m anxiety’s boss today more than I’ve ever been before. And that I have the Mortality Mindset to thank for it. When I’m tempted to get stuck in an anxious thought pattern, the Mortality Mindset is right there, reminding me that life is short, and I can either waste some of it by getting sidelined by anxiety or I can get on with living. And more often than not, I’m able to choose to get on with living.
What a strange and wonderful reversal this has been for me: Where Mortality was once a source of crippling anxiety, it has now become a source of healing and liberation.
You don’t have to suffer from anxiety to be able to appreciate how useful it is to have greater mastery over fear. The Mortality Mindset is a powerful antidote to fear--if not possibly the MOST powerful antidote there is.
Next, contemplating my future demise has helped me be more “present” today.
If the idea of being “present” isn’t overused and worn-out, then I don’t know what is. It seems like everyone’s trying to be more present these days. And I suppose for good reason. But I get annoyed with terms like that that get hijacked by the mainstream narrative and then converted into something that all of us ought to be doing more of. So I hesitated to use it. But I realized that it really does describe what I mean.
And what I mean is that the here-and-now has more significance to me today than ever before.
A few examples to make the point...When my boys beg me to wrestle with them after a long day, I’m more likely to do it. When we’re enjoying a good meal and good company, I’m more likely to enjoy the food and drink heartily and less likely to be concerned about the impact on my waistline. In moments of conflict or tension with my wife, I’m more likely to see her as the wonderful human that she is, let down my defenses, and hug her than continue to press the attack. I’m less likely to work long hours and more likely to say, “It’ll still be there tomorrow; I’ll come back to it then, with fresh eyes.” I have my friend Joe Harsel from episode 011--who was clinically dead for 30 minutes before coming back to life--to thank for helping me with that particular perspective.
Overall, maybe it’s accurate to say that I bring more heartiness to living than ever before.
The Mortality Mindset has created this shift in me because when I fast forward to my demise, I’m persuaded that being HERE, NOW with my family and friends will be something I’m immensely proud of as I approach my last breath.
Third, I have more clarity and conviction about how to spend my time and energy.
I’m gonna let that one stand on its own without a lot of unpacking. Because it’s as simple as that. And I think it’s something that a lot of us could use more of.
And here’s the last change I’ll highlight today: I’m more willing to speak the truth, to myself and to others.
By most conventional standards, I’m an honest guy. I pay my taxes, I pay my bills, I show up when I say I’m gonna show up. But there’s a kind of honesty that can elude me and, I know, many of you, too. It’s that truth deep within us that we fail to acknowledge and the truth about another that we fail to express. It’s the thing we hide because we’re afraid of what will happen if it becomes known. It’s the thing we fail to say because we’re afraid of the consequences if we do. I’m finding that I have much less tolerance for dishonesty in those areas than before and much more willingness to acknowledge and speak the truth--at least in so far as I’m able to discern it. Life is simply too short to deal in half-truths and shrink away from necessary conflict. And the truth is--the absence of visible conflict may not truly be the absence of conflict. It may just be the avoidance of underground conflict that needs to be brought to the surface in order for new growth to be possible.
My coach, Amy Musson, gave me an awesome tool for truth-telling. It’s been revolutionary in my own life, and I deploy it often with my own clients. In any area where you’re seeking to discern your personal truth, simply complete the sentence that starts with, “the truth is…” It’s simple, but it’s often far from easy because many of us have gotten really good at avoiding the truth--and often for very compelling reasons. But if we can’t be honest with ourselves, then we have very little chance of truly being honest with anyone else. And our relationships with ourselves and others suffer because they’re built on an incomplete or cracked foundation.
So there you have it: the top four ways that the Mortality Mindset has changed me so far.
HOW I Use the Mortality Mindset
You might be wondering how I’ve deployed the Mortality Mindset in a way that has produced these results. What have my actual habits and practices been?
First, my practice of the Mortality Mindset has included The Graveyard Group, or TGG. I started the first-ever TGG in January 2019, when my new awareness about the potential power of the Mortality Mindset was emerging, and I’ve been a player-coach in that original group ever since. Since then, I’ve started two more TGGs, and the first-ever women’s group is forming now under the leadership of my friend and colleague, Beth Romano. In that setting on a weekly basis, we tap into the power of our Mortality to motivate us to become the people we were made to be and live the lives we were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. So, for almost three years in the original TGG, I’ve had a dedicated day and time during which my Mortality is front-and-center, and I make real-world decisions in light of it on the most important parts of my life. And for almost two years, I’ve led two other TGGs in that same undertaking.
In addition, since April of 2020, I’ve produced episodes of this podcast every two weeks. Through my guests’ stories and the creation of original solo content, I’ve been trying to equip us all with the mindset and the means to leave it all out on the field of life--to maximize our one-and-only lives. That consistent focus and regular interaction with remarkable people and their stories has impacted me a lot.
And lastly, supported by my TGG and podcast experiences, I’ve simply made it a point to keep my Mortality in mind. And it is on my mind, every day, influencing my thinking and my decisions and my actions, big and small. I’m living, laughing, and loving with more guts, gusto, and abandon than ever before.
Now you might be thinking, “that’s great, Andrew, but not all of us can lead three TGGs a week and publish a mortality-themed podcast on a regular basis.” And you’d be right, but only partially. Here’s why. First, you can join a Graveyard Group! Secondly, I’m actively looking for more men and women to start new Graveyard Groups so that as many people as possible can embrace the Mortality Mindset. If you’re interested in either of those two options, connect with me via any one of the channels I’ll share at the end of this episode. Thirdly, you can tune into this podcast consistently to refresh your Mortality Mindset and keep yourself sharp.
If none of these options work for you, then come up with your own ways of making the Mortality Mindset part of your daily and weekly calendar. It has to take up actual real estate on your calendar. Read the obituaries regularly, and write your own. Take walks in your local cemetery. Befriend someone at a retirement community and learn from their perspective in their twilight years. But whatever you do, don’t ignore your Mortality. As Ecclesiastes 7:2 says, “...death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart.”
I think this is the underlying transferable lesson: We don’t have to wait for an actual encounter with Mortality to approximate the impact of one in our lives. We can embrace habits and practices that keep the pressure of our Mortality in our conscious awareness on a daily basis. And that pressure can motivate us to live with more guts, gusto, and abandon NOW. My experience testifies to this fact.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
How is the Mortality Mindset changing you?
Let me know! I’d love to hear from you. Message me on Facebook, Instagram or LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Let's Build Your Best Life Together
When I’m not producing Andrew Petty is Dying, I’m having conversations with people about their lives that transform their lives. Sometimes, that’s in the context of a 1-1 coaching partnership, and sometimes that’s in the context of The Graveyard Group mastermind. Contact me to learn more.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- You're Dying: How to Make the Most of It
- The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- My Top 5 Takeaways from 2020: How Conversations with My Guests Changed Me
Life and Death exist side-by-side every day in the ER. Veteran ER physician and life philosopher, David Talbott, has spent almost 30 years in those trenches.
In this episode, David shares what he's learned about how to live well, how to die well, and how to use Mortality to your advantage.
But it's not just his time in the ER that has taught David what he shares with us today. His personal life has had its fair share of heartache and tragedy, and David draws vulnerably from those experiences, too, as he exhorts us to make the most of our one-and-only lives.
MY exhortation to you? Tune in to the full episode, and don't let it go in one ear and out the other or simply entertain your curiosity about what it's like to do the work that David does. It's more than dramatic stories from the frontlines of medicine. It's a study in the human condition derived from one man's encounters with thousands of people staring Death in the face. Someday, maybe even some day soon, YOU will stare death in the face. Paint yourself into these stories. Imagine that it's YOU approaching your final breath. Pull Mortality CLOSE and accept its inevitability. Let David's hard-won wisdom sink deep into your soul and show up in the way you live so that when it's your time to die, you can die courageously, graciously, and free of regrets.
Remembering Dennis Franks, My Guest on Episode 034
I pushed pause on the interview to bring listeners some sad news.
Dennis Franks, my guest on episode 034, died suddenly on Saturday, October 16, at the age of 68. He leaves behind his wife, Nancy--who played a life-saving role in Dennis' life-changing encounter with Mortality many years ago--two grown daughters, and three grandkids.
I didn't know Dennis well, but the time I did spend with him for the podcast made it clear to me that he had a huge heart and a voracious appetite for life. He was laser-focused on making every day count and making his life matter. He loved his family deeply. And he served thousands in their pursuit of financial independence through his work at Market America--which he saw as more of a mission than a profession. And one thing's for certain: Dennis had a lot more living he wanted to do.
If you haven't tuned in to Dennis' episode, I hope you will. After you listen, take a minute to share what his Story meant to you on one of my social media posts created in his honor on Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn.
Life is short, folks.
Memorable Quotes from David Talbott
- I think that when you look at life, you can say why me, but the reality is, why not you?
- The reality is from the day we're born, we're all a statistic waiting to happen. We just haven't been introduced to the lethal details.
- Did you live, did you love, did you matter?
- Too many of us focus on longevity and we forget the quality of our lives.
- The quality of our life is predicated so much on what we focus on.
- I think the most important conversations are the ones you have with yourself in the mirror every day.
- There is no growth without friction.
- So many times we as humans put ourselves in our own prison, and we're the only one with the key, and we don't even realize it.
- That which is gained with little effort is esteemed of little value.
- You can come to the ER in a Lamborghini or a taxi, but we all eventually leave in a hearse.
- In life it's not so much when and how you die; it's how you live.
- It's a courageous thing to allow somebody to die with dignity and grace.
- Discipline is weighed in ounces, but regret is weighed in pounds.
Making It Matter in Your Life Today
What will it take for you to take the reality of your Mortality even more seriously and let it begin to change your life today?
Don't let it take an actual crisis.
Instead, create a life-saving crisis within yourself today by courageously embracing the Mortality Mindset. Commit to it as a discipline. With practice, we can approximate the impact of a real encounter with Mortality by continually reminding ourselves of its inevitability and making day-to-day real-world decisions in light of it. As David said, "discipline is weighed in ounces, but regret is weighed in pounds."
Here's one simple exercise to get you started: Read at least 10 obituaries from various sources. Mix it up: read a few from the New York Times, a few from your local paper, and a few from small-town papers, too. What sticks out to you? How does it affect you to read about other people's deaths and the lives they lived? Next, write your own obituary as if you'd lived the best life you can imagine, a life you are immensely proud of. Then, begin to make adjustments in your life RIGHT NOW that will increase the likelihood that THAT obituary will become a reality.
This is your one and only life. Make it count.
Your Opinion Matters
If this show has been meaningful to you, please rate it and leave a review on your favorite podcast app. Your feedback encourages others to tune in to this life-affirming, world-changing message. Thank you!
Let’s Create Your Best Life Together
Connect with me to learn more about how a powerful, confidential 1-1 coaching partnership or participation in a Graveyard Group can help you live even more courageously and die regret-free.
Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with David Talbott
Email | LinkedIn
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 034 | Lessons from the Chair: Redefining Disability, Avoiding the Victim Cave, and the Path to Personal Power
- Ep. 018 | Life’s 3 Big Questions: A Conversation with the Coroner
For all of us intent on becoming the person we were made to be and living the lives we were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon, this episode is a must-listen.
30 years ago, Ryan Baker died a "little death"--little only in the sense that it didn't signify his final departure from this life. In every other sense, though, it was a death indeed, and it permanently divided his life into before and after.
Ryan lives every day now with the physical results of that "little death" and the emotional pain that goes with it. And it's from that crucible that Ryan has acquired insights for living that all of us need to hear.
Through the lens of his story, Ryan blows up conventional notions of "disability" to help us diagnose and treat our own disabilities more clearly, teaches us how to avoid victimy frames of mind and stay in the driver's seat of our lives, reveals the danger of expectations, and a whole lot more.
Introducing Ryan Baker
Ryan is a native of California and, with his wife, Kelly, now splits time between California and Steamboat Springs, CO. He is a lifelong athlete, an innovator, a podcaster, coach, and mentor.
30 year ago, at the age of 19, he suffered an injury of his 6th thoracic vertebrae in a relatively mild car accident. Though the accident was mild, the consequences for Ryan were anything but: He was instantly paralyzed from the sternum down, retaining function from his pecs up. He’s now lived much more of his life in a wheelchair than on his feet, and the lessons from that chair that he shares in this conversation are important for all of us to hear.
Thankfully, we don't have to go where Ryan has gone to benefit from the lessons he's learned. This conversation challenged and encouraged me big-time, and without a doubt, there's something in this episode that can change your life, too, if you'll let it.
Highlights & Takeaways
To get the full benefit and your own personal takeaways, tune in to the full episode. In the meantime, though, here are a few highlights and takeaways that stuck out to me:
- Do for yourself what you’re capable of doing for yourself. Lean on others for help with the rest. When we insist on assuming full responsibility for what we can do, “it will build self-confidence. It will be edifying to your soul.” When we succumb to self-pity and let others do for us things that we’re capable of doing for ourselves, we diminish ourselves and rob ourselves of the personal power that we’re meant to wield in the world.
- The danger of unmet expectations: “The biggest form of disappointment is unmet expectations...when you perceive your life as a series of unmet expectations, you’re setting yourself up for incredible disappointment. If we can respond differently to those unmet expectations and figure out how to turn them into something else or understand that the unmet expectation is really just a part of the plan and not hang on to it again…”
- Don’t try to drive farther than your headlights will illuminate. Be content to travel the part of the path that you’re able to see, and as you do, more of the path will be revealed.
- Disabilities come in all shapes and sizes, and the most destructive ones reside within our hearts and minds. You may be physically mobile, but in what ways are you mentally or emotionally disabled through a failure of personal responsibility??
- Life is hard and tragic. Press on courageously anyway.
A few notable / quotable quotes:
- One man's floor is another man's roof.
- You have to be a disaster before you become the master. (T. Harv Eker)
- Life isn’t happening to us; it’s responding to us...It's all about our response.
- I don't want to walk again. (Wow.)
- Every little step should be considered a small victory.
Making It Matter in Your Life Today
Ryan can't walk, but if you have ears to hear, he's more fully-functioning and alive than many of us that can walk. How's that for mind-blowing?
Into what nooks and crannies of your heart and mind has Ryan's story shone the light of revelation? What victimy tendencies or lifelong patterns have been exposed?
Your heart is speaking to you, calling to you to step out of the shadows of victimhood and complacency and into the bright light of the full weight of your existence. To step courageously onto the path uniquely suited to you so you can achieve the purposes uniquely available to you.
Today is all you've got. What are you waiting for?
Remember: you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
New to Andrew Petty is Dying?
If you're new to this show, visit andrewpettyisdying.com to browse the archive of past interviews with fascinating people and short, topical solo episodes--all designed to equip you with the mindset and the means to become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. We flip the script by inviting our ancient foe, Death, to become an unlikely ally in our heroic journey to leave it all out on the field of life. Turns out, Mortality might just be the most potent motivator available--blasting us out of our ambivalence and complacency and into the fullness of our potential.
Connect with me to learn more about how a powerful, confidential 1-1 coaching partnership or participation in a Graveyard Group can help you live even more courageously and die regret-free. And I'm excited to share that the first-ever women's Graveyard Group is launching soon, too!
Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Ryan Baker
Email | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Website
Check out Wheelchair Lacrosse!
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 013 | Two Death Sentences and Still Surfing: An Assumption-busting Conversation About Letting Go, the Sneaky Downside of Hope, and Embracing Life's Necessary "Little Deaths"
- Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
So...funny story. My guest in this episode not only has a mind-blowing story to share but also the dubious distinction of having dated me more than 20 years ago. Don't worry--she exercised much better judgment in the years that followed!
Lindsay Nohl is just glad to be alive. There were many moments over the past two years when she was not at all sure that she would be much longer. Lindsay's story is one of profound mental, emotional, and physical anguish, a remarkable recovery, a new lease on life, and a new outlook on life, too. And Lindsay courageously brings her whole ordeal and what she's learned from it to this conversation to encourage and serve all of us.
This episode is packed with insight about choosing courage in the face of fear, the sacredness of the present moment, the power of empathy, and how Mortality can propel us to live with even more guts, gusto, and abandon.
A Word of Warning
This is a tremendously life-affirming story. But the journey to "life-affirming" passes through a prolonged season of desperation, when suicide was on the table for Lindsay. For some of you, this part of the story might hit too close to home, so I wanted to be sure you were aware in advance that it would come up if you tune in to the full episode.
Meet Lindsay Nohl
Lindsay currently lives in Victor, Idaho with her two dogs Owen & Brady, where she serves as executive director of a non-profit called Mountain Bike the Tetons. She is also a mountain bike coach and certified life coach (CLC). Prior to moving to the Tetons, Lindsay spent 18 years working for the National Outdoor Leadership School, or NOLS, as a field instructor, director of the Southwest program, and in other administrative roles in Arizona and Wyoming. She's a life-long athlete, and her initial passion for soccer carried into her early twenties. After attempts at playing soccer professionally, she dove headfirst into various outdoor sports like rock climbing, canyoneering, caving, and more recently, mountain biking. Today, her favorite outdoor adventures are long bikepacking trips in the desert southwest.
Reduced to Ashes
In August 2019, Lindsay’s 8-year relationship with her partner was coming apart. Then, on a routine pre-run lap of a mountain bike race course, she crashed, landed on her face, and split her chin open. She got checked out, stitched up, and sent on her way. The visible injuries healed up, and she moved on.
Two weeks later, though, while talking to a friend at a social gathering, things started to get weird. In the middle of the conversation and from out of nowhere, “kill yourself, kill yourself” popped into her head. And things quickly went downhill from there.
Over the next nine months, Lindsay’s life burned to the ground in a conflagration of anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, and bizarre physical symptoms. She hid her household knives from herself--painfully aware that the impulse to kill herself could at any time get the best of her. She lost her job of 18 years along the way, too, a consequence of both the deteriorating COVID situation and her own debilitated mental, emotional, and physical state. She wasn’t eating, her gut was in shambles, and she lost 15 lbs. She couldn’t perform some of the most basic life tasks. A laundry list of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds weren’t up to the task of righting Lindsay’s ship. She checked herself into a behavioral health center to be placed on suicide watch and did a stint in a treatment center, too. Nothing provided relief or a glimmer of hope for a better future.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.
The Tide Begins to Turn
Then, mercifully, when the last fragile threads of hope were almost gone, the tide began to turn in Lindsay’s favor. An integrative medicine doctor helped Lindsay heal her gut through nutrition, and gradually Lindsay’s physical and mental health began to improve. So much so, in fact, that she was able to drive and ride her bike again. Then, a therapist helped Lindsay realize that her fall on the bike 9 months earlier had in fact given her a traumatic brain injury (TBI), and the TBI was substantially complicit in causing her descent into mental, emotional, and physical hell. Until that moment, neither Lindsay nor anyone else supporting her through the ordeal had seen the connection.
And this time, the right medication became the final piece in the puzzle of Lindsay’s recovery. On May 23, 2020, within 48 hours of beginning to take Wellbutrin, Lindsay texted her dad:
“Dad, I feel normal today. I'm cleaning the house and not really tired. And I feel ‘happy.’ It feels crazy. I think the Wellbutrin is working."
Wellbutrin is a norepinephrine and dopamine re-uptake inhibitor (NDRI), and it works by making the neurotransmitters norepinephrine and dopamine available to the brain’s neurons for longer. (from verywellmind.com)
“It was so clear to me that I had a dopamine issue in my brain with how fast that stuff worked for me,” said Lindsay. “It was like the key went in the lock and I turned back on, you know, as a human.”
Like the Phoenix Rising from the Ashes
It has been an upward spiral from that point forward. Lindsay feels 95% normal again, with the main lingering symptom being diminished short-term memory.
“I'm like the Phoenix rising from the ashes here. And I have the ability to put the pieces back in any way I can...As the months have gone on, I've thought a lot about what decisions am I--I make decisions every day, many times a day and are those moving me in the direction I want to go with my life, you know? And so when everything's gone, it makes you think a lot about what you want.”
Lindsay has put the pieces of her life together in impressive fashion--including getting back on her bike and conquering races more challenging than any she’d tackled pre-TBI.
Transferable Lessons
The point of this podcast is to help us all tap into the power of our Mortality to become the people we were made to be and live the lives we were made to live--to equip us with the mindset and the means to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. And to do so BEFORE a crisis hits because then it’s too late. So, what transferable lessons are available to us from Lindsay’s story that we can put into action in our own lives right now?
- Live in Community: Lindsay’s friends and family were rock-solid supports for her through every grueling step of her ordeal. She says they literally saved her life.
- Treat Every Day Like a Bonus: Post-ordeal, Lindsay feels like every day is a bonus. Be willing to see each new day as a bonus in your own life--full of potential and possibility that didn’t exist just one day before. See each day as a gift.
- Get in “f@%$ it” Mode!: Go for it! Why NOT do the scary or hard thing?! (Not recommending foolhardy recklessness, BTW...)
- Live Like There’s No Tomorrow: Lindsay is more aware than ever now of the sacredness of the present moment. It’s all we have. So make this moment, this day, your primary focus. How can you make it the best day it can be?
- Choose Courage Over Fear: Do the hard thing. Venture outside of your comfort zone. Don’t waste time trying to get rid of fear; instead, practice becoming MORE brave.
- Be Kind to Others: You don't know what they’re going through
Remember, Lindsay has been to the edge and back. She knows what it’s like to stare Mortality in the face, and those are some of her big takeaways from that experience. We can borrow what she’s learned and put them into practice in our own lives RIGHT NOW if we simply choose to--without having to experience a catastrophe of our own first.
I think that’s a WAY better strategy. What do you think? The alternatives are tragic, in my opinion.
Let Today Be the Day!
"When everything's gone, it makes you think a lot about what you want." Wow. That hits home.
Listen. One day--maybe even one day very soon--you'll run out of tomorrows. You'll run out of second chances. You'll run out of time.
Grab yourself by the scruff of the neck today and shake yourself awake. Wake up to the reality of your Mortality, to the sacredness of this present moment--the only moment you've got.
Make the phone call to the estranged family member or friend. Take the first step toward fulfilling that big dream. Do the hard thing now. Start the big thing now. Tomorrow never comes, ladies and gents, there is only today.
Let today be a day like none other before it. The day that you summoned the courage to live with even more guts, gusto, and abandon by looking your Mortality square in the eyes and holding its gaze, unflinching and with resolve.
This is your one and only life. What will you make of it?
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you're not dead yet. So get after it!
I Can Help
Becoming the person you were made to be and living the life you were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon is heroic work. It's not for the faint of heart. And it happens best in the company of others who have your best interests at heart.
Connect with me to learn more about how a powerful, confidential 1-1 coaching partnership or participation in a Graveyard Group can help you live even more courageously and die regret-free.
And I'm excited to share that the first-ever women's Graveyard Group will launch soon, too!
Connect with on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- Ep. 008 | More Alive Than Ever: How Pain Points the Way to Purpose
- Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
- The Untethered Soul (Michael A. Singer)
- Sabino Recovery (treatment center)
Connect with Lindsay
Email | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn
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New to APiD?
I’m so glad you found Andrew Petty is Dying. This podcast is a mix of long-form interviews with fascinating people and short-form solos on topics that will help you acquire the mindset and the means to live with guts, gusto, and abandon.
If you’re wondering where to start in the archive of episodes, I recommend these three episodes, in this order:
- Ep. 001 | You're Dying: How to Make the Most of It
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 006 | The Nine Lives of Lise Leroux: One Woman's Mind-blowing Tale of Living With a Terminal Diagnosis
My older son, Macgray, was a guest on this show way back in May of 2020, and it's been my intention all along for his younger brother, Marshall, to be a guest as well. We've finally pulled that off, and this episode is the result.
As their dad, it's a personal treat to have conversations with both of my boys recorded for posterity. And I genuinely got to know each of my sons better through these conversations.
As a student of the human condition, it's fascinating to get a glimpse of the world through the eyes of young men in formation.
There's a simplicity to the way Marshall sees things at his age, as you might expect--but there's a tremendous amount of depth, too. His heart and mind are working round the clock to make sense of this life and the world we live in, and he uses the words and concepts at his disposal to express his unique perspective in this conversation. In the course of our conversation, Marshall connected new dots of meaning and insight as a result of the attempt to put words to previously unexpressed thoughts.
And Mortality came up on its own, without me digging for it. Apparently, the reality of Mortality weighs upon even a 9-year-old’s heart and mind.
Meet Marshall
From the moment he drew his first breath, Marshall has been a wonderful, wiggly, extraverted bundle of energy and intensity. We never did find a swaddle that could contain him; he always worked one arm free and then dismantled the whole assembly. He could suck down a bottle in what seemed like one mighty gulp, and if his big brother could do something, then Marshall made it his mission to be able to do that thing, too. Today, he's got his own funky style, he's deeply moved by music, and he loves being with people.
Some Highlights From This Conversation
- Marshall tutors me in the neuroscience of learning.
- Marshall reveals two of his biggest fears as a kid.
- We discuss the keys to finding your unique path in life. Hint: It’s simpler than we might think.
- Marshall shares how he’s overcoming his personal kryptonite so that his superpowers are more available, more often.
- Marshall makes up a new word to describe the multi-faceted life he wants to lead as a grown-up.
- And more...
Tune in to the full episode for the full experience. It won’t disappoint.
What message does a nine-year-old boy have for you as an adult? You might be surprised.
The Inimitable Power of Curiosity-fueled Conversations
As our conversation wound down, it was super cool to hear Marshall acknowledge that he “just said a bunch of things that I didn't realize I knew how to say. I feel like my brain grew.” That’s a 9-year-old’s way of expressing what happens when we engage in curiosity-fueled conversations. We grow, expand, discover, change, and unlock new “lines of learning”--to borrow a phrase Marshall coined during this episode.
How often do you have curiosity-fueled conversations?
Let’s Start Our Own Curiosity-fueled Conversation
If you don’t have many curiosity-fueled conversations in your life, connect with me, and let’s start our own together. Our conversations will generate Insight, Insight will generate Action, and Action will generate Transformation! Insight + Action = Transformation.
We could all benefit from transformation in some area of our life.
Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
I look forward to starting a new conversation with you!
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 009 | Awaken Your Inner Kid to Be the Best Grown-up You Can Be: A Lighthearted and Enlightening Conversation With My 10-Year-Old Son
- Ep. 014 | Dare to Dream Again: The Antidote to a Mediocre Life
- Ep. 018 | Life's 3 Big Questions: A Conversation with the Coroner
Today's guest is none other than yours truly, thanks to the creativity and generosity of my guest on episode 38, Natalie Niksa. It was Natalie's idea to turn the mic around, so to speak, and interview me. I was excited about the idea right away. I'm not actually 100% clear on why I was excited, but I try to follow my energy closely, and when excitement shows up, I do my best to pay attention to it and act on it. So I took Natalie up on her offer, and today's episode is the result.
In this conversation, through the lens of my own story, we discuss curiosity as a superpower, recapturing childhood dreams, how to use Mortality as a motivator in daily life, how to address foreboding joy when it shows up, how to use this podcast to get after it in life, my dreams of being a drummer-surfer-documentarian, and more.
Along the way, I'm more open and vulnerable than I've ever been before in any public forum. The emotions at the end of our conversation surprised me. And though I had a bit of a vulnerability hangover after we recorded, I'm glad to share honestly from my story because I know it will be useful and meaningful to someone else out there.
I want to acknowledge Natalie's courage in taking on the role of interviewer. She's a wiz in the culinary world, but the podcast interviewer world is new territory altogether. If you tune in to the full episode, I think you'll agree that she does a great job.
Here is a sampling of highlights from the conversation, organized according to 4 of Natalie’s 7 (awesome!) questions and excerpts from my responses.
Q: Share with us a bit of your own process of curiosity and what tools help you remain creatively free to produce what you are sharing with so many?
A: For me, curiosity is not a process, it's an innate impulse that, having identified it, I now use as sort of a superpower. I follow my curiosity. My curiosity leads me to good places. My curiosity leads me to people sensing that I have a genuine interest in who they are, and I do. And it leads me to ask whatever question comes up next, which when I am myself, I do well. When I'm in my head I don't do it very well--I get kind of clutchy and clinchy. When I let my curiosity guide me, it goes to good places, whether it's in my personal life or professional life...So the process, if there is any, is to major on it...
Curiosity creates dialog, and dialog tends to generate insight, and insight is a precursor to transformation. So curiosity is maybe the catalyst that allows some of that to occur. And of course it works really well for me in my chosen path professionally, and relationally as well...
Q: What dreams are you recapturing lately?
A: Childlikeness...It's a very personal journey, too, because when Anxiety became debilitating in my early 20s...it was maybe the final nail in the coffin at that point in my life of childlikeness because it became a desperate struggle to stay alive because the Anxiety was so bad that I did at one point say in my mind if this doesn't stop soon, then I can't live any longer. Jordan Peterson talks about...new things showing up in our lives unexpectedly--especially ones that are unwelcome--is an intense and difficult form of chaos to deal with. And it deconstructs the whole framework we had put in place to understand how we navigate life. And that's what happened to me when Anxiety showed up because I literally thought I was going to die any moment. And so it really put the final nail in the coffin of childlikeness for a time...
And as I've first done battle with the anxiety and then, more recently, accepted it and allowed it to come along, I have begun to really attempt to recapture childlikeness and to learn to want things with abandon and without judgment or censorship…
I still feel as if the real Andrew isn't known yet to me and to the world, and the parts of the real Andrew that are within me that aren't yet made known to the world are the drummer, the surfer, the guitar player, the artist, the documentarian...Those are all dreams that capture my imagination, and I can inhabit those dreams in my heart and my mind and see myself living that way and it feels like me. So there are ways in which the life that I currently live in some ways still doesn't feel quite like me. But that isn't the same as to say that I'm living an inauthentic or counterfeit life because I think the process of putting ourselves together over the course of our adulthood--if we're willing to become more and more consciously engaged in it--is to uncover who we truly are...
Q: What are a few ways that you consciously and perhaps even uncomfortably use mortality as a motivator on a daily and/or weekly basis?
A: I do live with awareness of mortality most days, but it's not for the reasons you might suspect. That's largely derived from the kind of anxiety that I experience. So the awareness of Death comes part and parcel with the kind of anxiety I more typically experience than others. And that's actually, again, part of why this podcast exists, part of why the Graveyard Group masterminds exist is because my hyper-awareness of mortality led me to believe that maybe there are others who don't think about it enough and in thinking about it more would find greater freedom to become the people they were made to be and live the lives they were made to live. And it turns out, it works that way...
As I've engaged in this practice of the podcast and the Graveyard Group, [I’ve learned that] you can approximate the pressure of a crisis...through intentional practice. The way it translates into my own life is in decision-making--am I gonna do this or that. Maybe it's about am I gonna spend another half hour working on my computer or am I gonna take a walk, because my son just came in and asked if I wanted to go on a hike. It's not as if every time I'll choose to go on a walk with my son because there's a time for work and a time for play, but I at least pause more than I think I might have in the past and ask myself, when I'm that elderly gentleman, for example, in the retirement community and I'm thinking about the way I spent my time, what will I remember most? And it's gonna be the walks with my son, it's not gonna be the extra half-hour on my computer. It's not gonna be what I accomplish professionally. It's gonna be the quality of the relationships I made and the investments I made in them. It's going to be the courage with which I lived my life. So that's another way that it informs me...
I've been on a new professional journey for 5 or 6 years now, and it's been tremendously challenging, and it still is tremendously challenging. And when I sometimes want to throw in the towel or question myself too much, I do play the tape forward and from that old man vantage point look back and go, "Petty, how do you want to have lived this portion of your life?" And every time I ask myself that question, I go, "I want to remember myself as courageous, all-in, and just going for it--whatever that meant in that moment"...
Q: Brene Brown discusses “Foreboding Joy.” This feeling of, ‘ uh, oh. This feels too good, something bad must be around the corner’ What sort of questions would you ask one of your clients who might be experiencing this?
A: Foreboding joy is certainly a thing, and there are a lot of sources for it. Sometimes foreboding joy comes from people's story, because often it WAS too good to be true. And so it's important in my opinion not to dismiss anything that someone would bring up because if they brought it up it's important to them. But it's also important not to dismiss that as a lack of courage or the presence of timidity because foreboding joy can be real for someone, because maybe in their childhood good things were promised to them and then regularly not delivered upon. So they don't know what to count on, what is solid, what is real, what can I actually hope for and go for...
When I was about to get married to my wonderful wife, Charis, I was in many ways a wreck because I was afraid I was making a mistake, not because of her...but because I was always afraid that I was making mistakes. I was afraid to strike out on my own. And this was the biggest striking out on my own that I had ever undertaken, and I was kind of wrapped around the axle about it. And in my mind's eye, I had this vivid vision of me as a little boy--this didn't actually occur, but it was as if it had--running, pumping my fists as hard as I could and running as hard as I could and looking over my shoulder and asking my dad, "is this ok, is this ok?" So there was an element deep within me of suspicion that it was ok to make choices on my own and to pursue and break away and live the life that I wanted to live. And that's just been part and parcel of the putting back together that I've had to do as an adult is to continue to affirm that yes, it is ok to strike out, it is ok to pave your own way, it is ok to use the sweeping permission of adulthood to become who you'd like to be...
All that to say that foreboding joy is not to be taken lightly, and also it sometimes is a representation of Resistance, which is a word that I borrow from Stephen Pressfield, capital R Resistance, that shows up almost the very moment we decide to do something that #1 is exciting to us and is in some way more vulnerable and more exposing of our real dreams and desires than something has been before. So it can be a clever way of our psychology tricking us into not taking the next step...
Q: Who would you be and what becomes available in the absence of all your concerns? (a Peter Crone question)
I think I'd be quite a bit more fun than I often am. I think my family finds me to be fun and occasionally others find me to be fun. But because of the complexity of my psychology--and I'm not saying that my psychology is any more complex than anyone else's--but just the complexity I find in my own psychology and relating to myself and the anxiety I experience, it can limit my availability. It limits the availability of the Andrew within because there's a multi-tasking occurring. So, when you say "without my concerns," I immediately think without the presence of anxiety just sort of lurking and doing what it does, which is compromise me. It takes resources away that would otherwise be available. I think I'd be more carefree, I'd be more fun, I'd be sillier more often. I would be less careful. I would trust myself more completely. I would trust that I've got this, I can do it. That's a common thing for me, to not trust that I've got it or can do it.
(re: what would be more available) The thing that strikes me most is the silliness, the childlikeness, the carefreeness that occasionally I experience and very often I don't. That's sad to me, and I grieve that actually, and want very badly to make more of that available for my own enjoyment and for the enjoyment of others. I have a good sense of humor when it's available. I have a quick wit when it's available. Those that are closest to me know it best and others don't. And also, I think there would be more drumming, more surfing, more documentary creation. It's one of the pains of being a solopreneur trying to do stuff on my own and having more ideas than I'm able to execute on. And so one of my deep longings is to figure out how to assemble a team with me and around me who can bring to life more of the ideas and creativity that I have--and not only that I have but complement and supplement what I have to make it something even better…
Without the concern that literally consumes hours of resources just in the management of it--because there's a cycle for me of darkness and light, darkness and light, shrinking and expanding, shrinking and expanding. I think many can relate to that on some level. It's just an especially painful and compromising cycle for me. And maybe folks like me who work on their own and create on their own experience that more than others. I think Stephen Pressfield would certainly say that's the case. It's part of the artist's journey. And I think I am an artist and a creative person at heart, more than maybe just about anything else...
Tune in to the full episode for the whole conversation, including my answers to Natalie’s other 3 questions:
- Your professional landscape is an ecosystem of sorts. Would you explain this process a bit of how one feeds the other and vice versa.
- Where would you suggest people to start in terms of getting after their life and living the way they are meant to live today?
- How would you like to be remembered? (This was the emotional part for me!)
Let the 95-year-old You Weigh In
Insight + Action = Transformation. It's a simple formula for human change. Put it to work in your own life right now.
What's one insight you gained about yourself from this episode? What's one thing you'd be willing to do with that insight today, before the magical window of opportunity closes?
Imagine yourself at 95, rocking on the porch of your final home, reflecting on the life you've lived--aware that Mortality is no longer just an abstraction but a very present reality. And imagine that from the moment you listened to this episode until that day on your porch, you committed to taking courageous and decisive action whenever you gained a new insight. And imagine that all those individual actions conspired over time to create a life you are immensely proud of with few if any lingering regrets. What does that feel like? How badly do you want that future?
Now, imagine the opposite scenario. Instead of taking courageous and decisive action, you may have reveled in the insights but shrunk away when the moment of action came. Your life's story is riddled with what could have been, unfulfilled dreams, and half-hearted desires. Relationships suffered when you avoided the hard conversations or decided to bang out more emails, and who you could have been will now never really be known. What does that future feel like? How badly do you want to avoid that future?
Those are two extremes to make the point, but there's a point to be made here nonetheless. TODAY is the day. Tomorrow never comes, but Death most certainly does.
Let the inevitability of your Mortality fill your sails with wind and your hearts with courage to be who you were made to be and live the life you were made to live.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Extra Credit
To learn more about the Graveyard Group--where we tap into the power of our Mortality to become the people we were made to be and live the lives we were made to live on a weekly basis--visit digdeepwinbig.com/thegraveyardgroup. Links to other episodes and resources mentioned in this episode can be found below.
If this episode helped you, I'd love to know. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Here are links to other episodes mentioned in this one:
- Ep. 013 | Two Death Sentences and Still Surfing: An Assumption-busting Conversation About Letting Go, the Sneaky Downside of Hope, and Embracing Life's Necessary "Little Deaths"
- Ep. 018 | Life's 3 Big Questions: A Conversation with the Coroner
- Ep. 031 | How's the Conversation Going? Improving Your Most Import
- Ep. 036 | The Global Fish Pond Crisis: What It Is, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It
- Ep. 038 | Natalie's Story: Unconventional Answers to Life's 3 Big Questions
Connect with Tim Wohlberg and Valerie McTavish, the dynamic duo behind Podcast Performance Coach and a big reason why this podcast exists!
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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It’s no small feat to consistently think well of yourself--to regard yourself with warmth and compassion and respect, the same way you would regard someone else you care about. A lot of us wrestle deeply and daily with this challenge. And if you do, then you know how painful it can be. Therapists’ full calendars and the existence of jobs like mine attest to this reality.
The implications of not thinking well of ourselves can be grave. But the impact of the opposite can be transformational.
In this episode, I’ll share a recent chapter from my own story to illustrate the point, and I’ll give you a tool to help you begin thinking well of yourself today.
Ski Day Downer
My wife was in the passenger seat next to me and our boys were bundled up, helmeted, and goggled in the backseat. In most ways, it was a normal snowy Saturday morning for our family as we made our way to the ski mountain for a few hours of fun together. In one way, though, this morning was a bit different than others, and it was about to take a turn for the worse.
For a day or so, a dark cloud had been hanging over me. It’s been long enough now that I don’t remember why, specifically, but I do remember that I was unusually dark and brooding that morning, struggling to stay afloat in a stormy sea of self-doubt and self-condemnation.
Earlier, I’d asked my wife if she’d be up for me processing verbally with her, but we hadn’t found a good time in the midst of getting out the door. Now, as I drove us to the mountain, my internal pressure was mounting, and I made a decision I almost instantly regretted.
I turned to my wife and just started unloading all of the crap that had been building up inside of me. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I do know that it was full of “I can’ts” and “I’m nots” and “I’ll nevers.” And I do know that after a couple of minutes of spewing unfiltered negativity, I felt worse, not better, and clearly the same was true for my wife. My dark cloud had spread and now hung over her head, too. She had become a victim of the same toxic negativity I was subjecting myself to.
No. Bueno.
Those brief couple of minutes put a damper on the rest of the day.
The Upside of the Ski Day Downer
I regret the darkness that I brought into my wife’s day on that occasion. AND...in hindsight, I’m also super grateful for what that moment revealed to me.
I’ve known for a long time that it’s easier for me to think poorly of myself than it is to think well of myself. It’s more instinctive to doubt myself than to trust myself and more familiar, sadly, to condemn myself than to affirm myself. I even have some awareness of where those unfortunate tendencies originated and why they persist. It’s something I’ve wanted to change and something I’ve worked on. But WOW. Until that moment in the car, it wasn’t clear to me just how invasive, pervasive, and destructive my negativity was. Frankly, it was appalling to realize.
That negativity hurts me, yes, AND it hurts others.
So with fresh resolve fueled by this new awareness, I set about to improve the situation. Insight + Action = Transformation. The approach I’ve taken is the tool I want to share with you today. We’ll get to that in a minute. But first, let’s talk baseball.
Which Base are You On?
If life was a baseball diamond--and I’m not a baseball guy, so apologies in advance if I bungle this metaphor--but if life was a baseball diamond, then all of us entered adulthood at different places on the diamond in terms of our ability to think well of ourselves. Some of us entered adulthood rounding third base on the way to home. Some of us haven’t even gotten up to bat yet. And let’s be honest, some of us are still toying with whether we even want to play this “adulthood” game at all. We’re still outside in the parking lot looking for a cheap scalped ticket to get into the stadium or trying to prolong a tailgate party that has long since been over.
No matter which of those descriptions fits you best, both Nature and Nurture are at work. I touch on Nature and Nurture in more depth in Episode 035, Build Your Personal Owner’s Manual: Understand Yourself Better, Enjoy Yourself More, and Live the Life You Were Made to Live. So for now I’ll just define them briefly en route to showing how they apply to thinking well of ourselves.
Nature refers to innate qualities and abilities that influence how we operate in the world on a fundamental, hard-wired level. They’re the default or factory settings that we’re born with. With the help of the Myers-Briggs assessment, for example, I know that one element of my Nature, namely my personality, predisposes me to idealism. Sometimes, idealism is really helpful--enabling me to appeal to a higher standard and point the way to an even better future. But idealism can also lead to a pretty withering self-critique, if where I am is always and only seen as short of the ideal.
Some of you listening right now are picking up what I’m putting down as you recognize both the blessing and the curse of your idealism.
My innate idealism is just one example of how Nature has played a role in the negativity that developed within me over the years. There are other examples, of course, but for now we’ll move on to the influence of Nurture upon our ability to think well of ourselves as adults.
Nurture, in the sense that I use the term, is essentially your Story. And for our purposes today, it’s especially the part of your Story that occurred in your childhood and teen years. If Nature is the unformed lump of clay, then Nurture is the potter’s hands--profoundly shaping how our Nature gets expressed. Our family, our friends, and our experiences--especially traumatic ones--have the most influence in this area. Were you in a supportive home environment, where you were loved for who you were more than for what you achieved? Or were your achievements or lack thereof a primary measure of your worth? Were both parents in the picture? Where were you in the sibling birth order? What social circles did you inhabit and move between? Did you feel smart or dumb in school? What labels did others give you? Respectful? Troublemaker? Promising? Hopeless? What mistakes did you make, and how did they impact your perception of yourself?
In short, as it relates to thinking well of ourselves, what messages about yourself did you receive from your Story? How adequately did the interaction of Nature and Nurture equip you to think well of yourself as an adult?
Which base are you on?
Taking Responsibility
Now, lest we’re inclined to begin sliding down the slippery slope of victimhood--blaming our Nature and Nurture for any difficulty we have thinking well of ourselves--let’s turn our attention to our responsibility in this area and what we can do to change things for the better.
As adults, it’s up to us to get this “think well of yourself” thing sorted out. It’s up to us to “parent” ourselves to maturity in this area. We are 100% responsible for thinking well of ourselves.
BTW, I’ve said it before, and I want to emphasize it again: Perhaps the greatest challenge of adulthood is assuming complete responsibility for ourselves and appropriate responsibility for others. I think many of the world’s greatest ills stem from failures of personal responsibility. And the degree to which each of us is succeeding in this area is also the degree to which the world is changing for the better. It’s no small thing.
So, if we want to think well of ourselves, and we’re willing to take our responsibility to figure it out seriously, then what’s next?
A Tool for Thinking Well of Yourself
That brings us to the tool I want to share with you today, the one I began to use more intently and intentionally after coming face-to-face with the darkness within on that snowy car ride to the mountain. It’s elegant in its simplicity and tragic in its scarcity. No matter your Nature and no matter your Nurture, you can begin using this tool right now to begin thinking well of yourself.
The tool is Encouragement. To be encouraged is to be infused with courage. It’s the way forward when we doubt ourselves. It’s the way forward when we don’t think we have what it takes. It’s the way forward when we find ourselves spewing out “I can’ts” and “I’m nots” and “I’ll nevers.”
A friend of mine says that everyone is under-encouraged. I think he’s right.
Two Ways to Use the Tool of Encouragement
There are two key ways to get Encouragement when we need it:
One--we can get it from others.
Taking responsibility to think well of ourselves doesn’t mean doing it on our own all the time. It doesn’t mean trying to be completely self-sufficient. It does mean, though, that we take responsibility for acknowledging what we need and, when we can’t meet those needs on our own, enlist people and resources to support us in meeting them.
When you’re thinking poorly of yourself and finding it hard to right the ship, let your need for encouragement be known to those who already care about you or who are trained to help you. Reach out to a friend, a family member, a mentor, a therapist, a coach. Sometimes, the origin of our difficulty--especially in the case of past trauma--really does need a professional’s touch. Sometimes, we simply need someone who cares about us to help us see ourselves more clearly and break the grip of the negativity.
For example, I get encouragement on a regular basis from my wife, my parents (yep, even at 47), my coach, and the guys in the original Graveyard Group, where I’m a player-coach. They help me see myself more clearly and think well of myself again when I’m faltering in that area. They pick me up, dust me off, and send me back into the fray of life ready to go another round.
I know. It’s not easy to let others know that we need encouragement, but it’s essential if we’re to take responsibility for thinking well of ourselves--for our own and others’ benefit. And thinking well of ourselves sure is a more pleasant way to live.
The other way to get encouragement is to encourage ourselves.
Doing this involves both a shift in perspective and a change in behavior. I’m going to borrow heavily from clinical psychologist and author, Jordan Peterson, here, because his counsel is the best I’ve come across recently on the topic of encouraging ourselves.
First, let’s look at the shift in perspective needed in order to think well of ourselves. One of the rules for life in Peterson’s book, 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, is “treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping.” In the ski day story I shared earlier, I said things about myself that I would never have uttered to my wife or boys about them. I wasn’t treating myself like someone I’m responsible for helping. Quite the opposite. If I wouldn’t say those things to my wife or boys or someone else I was responsible for helping, then why in the world would I feel free to say those things to myself?
So, to encourage yourself, first begin treating yourself like someone you are responsible for helping.
Then, change your behavior. Namely, borrowing from another rule in Jordan Peterson’s book, compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today. Let me repeat that: compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.
This is the behavior that became most important following the ski day debacle and my realization that something had to change. It’s a discipline, really, because the familiar well-worn path for me is that of self-critique and self-condemnation. So to do the opposite takes conscious intention and, frankly, a fair amount of work. It’s like developing a new muscle to counterbalance the over-developed negativity muscle. It takes time, it takes practice, and it feels kind of wonky at first. It can feel uncomfortable or undeserved or just really strange. That’s ok, and that’s normal if thinking well of yourself is a new concept.
The specific self-encouragement practice I’ve embraced is the one I offer to you, too. I simply take inventory of the ways in which I’ve demonstrated a virtue--like humility, kindness, or courage, of the things that have gone well recently--no matter how small they may seem, of the things about myself and my life that I’m proud of or thankful for. I do this in writing, in my journal, and the end result of any one instance of this practice of self-encouragement is a bulleted list of reasons to think well of myself. Sometimes the list is just a few items long, and sometimes there are 10 or more. The length of the list is less important than the intent behind it, the will to take responsibility for thinking well of yourself.
A particular benefit of doing this in writing is that you can go back and look at old entries to encourage yourself anew and track progress over time. The focus is on how far I’ve come as opposed to how far I still have to go. And that focus provides fuel for the road ahead.
Let’s Recap!
Thinking well of ourselves is something that many of us struggle to do and I’d wager ALL of us struggle with some of the time. We’re often much better at thinking poorly of ourselves. That’s personally painful and also harmful to others, because our negativity infects those around us.
Nature and Nurture heavily influence which base we start out on in adulthood in terms of our ability to think well of ourselves.
The way forward is first to take full responsibility for thinking well of ourselves, then to infuse ourselves with courage by seeking encouragement from others and learning to encourage ourselves. With practice, you really can learn to think well of yourself.
It’s good for you, and it’s good for the rest of us, too.
You are the One and Only You. There’s never been anyone else just like you, and there never will be again. You’re here to fulfill purposes that are absolutely unique to you.
So remember, you are going to die. But you’re not dead yet. Get after it, and start thinking well of yourself today!
I Can Help
I know firsthand the pain of thinking poorly of yourself, and it’s my sincere hope that this episode has encouraged you and equipped you to begin thinking well of yourself--maybe for the very first time.
It would be an absolute pleasure to be a source of more encouragement for you. Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, These Might be Useful, Too
- Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
- Ep. 003 | How to Turn Your Imperfections Into Superpowers: The Key to Unlocking Your Unique Purpose
Check out Jordan Peterson:
- 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos (book)
- Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life (book)
- Podcast
- YouTube
- Discovering Personality (8-Module Online Course)
- Self-Authoring (online guide to understanding your Story and authoring your future)
- Understand Myself (personality assessment)
If environmental armageddon doesn’t get us first, then a hostile nation’s plans for global domination will. Maybe the Republicans will sink the ship and all hands will be lost. Or maybe it’ll be the Democrats doing. What about AI--the potential for hyper-intelligent machines to take over the world and eradicate or enslave humanity? You thought COVID was tough? Just wait until the next super virus is unleashed by nameless, faceless, malevolent forces plotting our demise even as we speak.
Take your pick. There are no shortage of dire, doom and gloom scenarios to choose from these days. And the media and the internet serve up heaping quantities of it onto our psychological plates if we get in line for the 24/7 buffet.
I’m NOT saying, BTW, that there aren’t genuine reasons to be concerned about the state of the world. There are--and, there always have been. In the modern digital age, though, it’s possible to be aware of most of the challenges facing the world--or, at least, the existing portrayals of those challenges--and to be aware of them most of the time. That’s infinitely more knowledge and awareness than any one of us can hold well in our hearts and minds or possibly act upon. And if we’re not careful, it can lead us to despair, despondency, and inaction.
Where does that leave us, then? What CAN we do?
Good questions.
How do we change the world?
It’s Simple, Actually
I’m not going to bury the lead here. Let’s get right to the point.
To change the world, simply be the best “you” that you can possibly be.
Profoundly simple. And FAR from easy. If it was easy, more of us would embrace it and live it out.
It’s also far from a new idea. “Be the change you want to see in the world” is a statement derived from ideas that Gandhi put forth. As is “if you want to change the world, go home and love your family”--that one derived from Mother Teresa’s way of thinking. Today, in his book 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, Jordan Peterson sounds a similar note when he exhorts us all to “get our own house in perfect order” before we criticize the world or, by extrapolation, try to change the whole world.
It’s not a new idea, but it seems to be one that needs to be revived in our hearts and minds these days. We forget. And we get swept up in the myriad of massive global concerns and take our eye off the ball right in front of us--the only ball that is really ours to carry. The ball of our One and Only Life, our unique path, and the purposes we alone can accomplish along that path.
We need to return to this simple idea and double-down on it in our own lives. As Natalie Niksa said in the previous episode, “we’ve lost our way because of all the shiny objects.” And in returning to this priority, we’ll revitalize our personal power, passion, and purpose and reduce our sense of paralysis and powerlessness in the face of all of the world’s woes. Then, we can really get to work, right where we are, with what we have.
Breaking It Down
But what does it mean to “be the best you that you can possibly be,” and how does that actually change the world?
It means taking radical responsibility for yourself. It means working your ass off to discover and express your unique self as fully as you can and bring your unique gifts into the world. It means dreaming the dreams that exist only within your heart and doing your damndest to fulfill them. It means doing the work to become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live. It means working your ass off to be the best spouse, partner, parent, neighbor, and employee, employer, or entrepreneur that you can be. It means dragging yourself over the finish line of your life utterly depleted AND utterly satisfied because you left it all out on the field.
For some, those efforts will yield global recognition and impact. For others of us, our efforts will only ever be known among those closest to us.
Guess what? The scope and scale of our impact is irrelevant and, frankly, none of our business.
It’s not even knowable, in fact. We have no way of knowing how much of a difference our life will make--now, and in the years and generations to come. Our lives ripple into eternity, just like those before us ripple into ours.
Keep It Positive
Make no mistake, though: There’s no such thing as a neutral or no-impact life.
We don’t get to control IF our life will make an impact or know how much of an impact we ultimately make, but we do get to influence what KIND of impact we’ll make. Will it be negative because we shrank back, didn’t take full responsibility for our One and Only life, and failed to show up--and our absence was a loss for those who needed us to show up? Or will it be positive--not because we showed up perfectly all the time, but rather because we did our very best to simply show up, to bring the best of ourselves to this fleeting life, day in and day out?
Carl Jung said that the greatest burden a child can take into adulthood is the unlived life of their parent.
In a slightly sillier context but with no less relevance, in the Lego movie Ninjago, Lloyd the good ninja tells his dad, the movie’s arch villain, that he ruined his life. To which his dad, Lord Garmadon, replies, scoffingly, “How could I ruin your life? I wasn’t even there.”
But How Does It Change the World?
If all of that at least makes a dent in understanding HOW to “be the best you that you can possibly be,” then that leaves the question of how it actually changes the world.
When we take responsibility for being the best versions of ourselves that we can possibly be, then we change ourselves. When we change ourselves, we change our world--the little part of the world that we call our own. Our family life changes, our work life changes, our community life changes. Then, as our world changes, by definition the world changes as the ripples move outward from us at the epicenter.
Change your life...change your world...change the world.
That, my friends, is how we change the world.
Buckle Up, Buttercup
The good news is that it’s so simple. Our primary focus becomes simply evolving ourselves. As I said at the beginning, though, it’s far from easy. There’s no journey more challenging. But there’s also no journey more completely satisfying and worthwhile. And if you’re looking for more purpose and meaning, this journey will fill that cup to overflowing.
So buckle up, buttercup, and get to work becoming the best you that you can possibly be.
And remember, you are going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
I Can Help
Maybe you’re thinking something like, “how do I know if I’m becoming the best me that I can be? I’m not even sure who I am to start with.” The good news is that who you are, the person you were made to be, and the life you were made to live are discoverable. I can help you with that.
Find me on Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
BTW, this episode pairs well with episode 036, The Global Fish Pond Crisis, because it essentially offers a solution to the Global Fish Pond Crisis. If you haven’t checked out that episode, and this one was meaningful to you, then I encourage you to do so.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Recommend These, Too
- Ep. 014 | Dare to Dream Again: The Antidote to a Mediocre Life
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
- Ep. 025 | The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code
- Ep. 029 | Dragon Slayer: One Man's Tale of Heroic Life Renovation
- Ep. 035 | Build Your Personal Owner’s Manual: Understand Yourself Better, Enjoy Yourself More, and Live the Life You were Made to Live
How do you answer life’s 3 big questions--first posed on this podcast in episode 018 by coroner Rob Ryg: Where did we come from, what’s this life for, and what happens next?
My guest in this episode, Natalie Niksa, reveals her answers to the Big Three. And in doing so, she challenges all of us to consider our own answers to those questions. Natalie’s answers are far from conventional, and therein lies some of the gold in this episode. When we take time to view the world through someone else’s eyes, we invite their perspective to challenge and change our own. And that, my friends, is a good thing.
There’s way more to Natalie’s story than we could ever hope to cover in one episode. And it is a WILD story. But we touched down in some of the more significant chapters of her story to see what they meant to Natalie and what they could mean to us as we continue to write our own stories. You will see the theme of Death and Rebirth appear and reappear throughout.
Meet Natalie
Natalie, her husband, Jon, and their son, Smith, live in Napa, CA, where Natalie and Jon own La Saison--at face value a world-class catering and food provisions company that they started in 2007. But when you look just a little deeper, you find that La Saison is really more like a vehicle through which Natalie and Jon bring their own brand of beauty into the world to enrich others and fulfill their unique purposes. In other words, it’s about way more than the food. And a more recent addition to their menu is personal life guidance via the framework of Human Design, facilitated by Natalie. I’ll provide contact info in the full shownotes for this episode for those of you who want to connect with Natalie and learn more about La Saison.
BTW, La Saison means “the season”--to live in the present and allow life to unfold, instead of resisting it. And you’ll see this orientation to life bubble up everywhere in my conversation with Natalie.
Close Encounters with Mortality
The entry point into our conversation was a discussion of two encounters Natalie had with Mortality, separated by 16 years. First, at just seven months old, Natalie stopped breathing and turned blue due to (of all things) an ear infection. Her dad, then in medical residency, scooped her up and ran across the street to the hospital, administering mouth-to-mouth the whole way.
Then, at 17, Natalie was literally run over by a truck on a bike ride with her brother. Her “whole left side was broken,” and she had major head injuries. Remarkably, on this occasion, too, her dad was first on the scene to assess the situation and begin treatment.
Connecting Dots in Hindsight
Natalie finds meaning in those two encounters with Mortality through the lens of hindsight. “I was always one foot in and one foot out,” Natalie says--unsure on some deep level if she could handle “humanness.” But her encounter with Mortality at 17 came after a fundamentally transformative moment on an expedition in the snowy mountains of Colorado. On that expedition, in one magical moment of stillness, Natalie became aware that “this is all temporary.” When she returned home, she began to slip into her old pre-epiphany ways. The run-in with the truck shook her out of that, though, and two months without the ability to walk literally stopped her in her tracks and allowed the changes she experienced in Colorado to become more fully integrated within her.
From that second near-death experience onward, Natalie has been all-in.
Some Key Takeaways from Natalie’s Story
- Each of us is a unique puzzle piece in the huge jigsaw puzzle of humanity.
- Self-discovery is perhaps the most important job each of us has because each of us has a specific spot to fill in the puzzle of humanity and a specific role to play. Commit to a lifelong practice of self-discovery.
- When you're on the path that you're meant to be on, magical things happen. We tend to get off-course when we are seeing the dangling carrot or shiny object of someone else's life that's not our own path. Our own path will always keep us feeling complete.
- To hear our inner voice--the voice that whispers the truth of our existence to us and sets us on our unique path--we have to “create time and space to be with ourselves.”
- Until we're in a position of really being able to take care of ourselves, we really are not ready to be in service to others.
- And more...
There’s so much meat on the bone of this episode. Tune in to the full episode for the full impact.
What About You?
Our unique stories and our unique purposes in the world are inseparable. Natalie’s story is another demonstration of that truth.
How well do you know your own story? I mean, really KNOW your story, like you know your best friend, your spouse, or your significant other? You may be able to identify the dots on your timeline, but some of those dots from the past are wreaking havoc in your present and blocking you from the future you could have because you don’t yet know them intimately. And often, it’s because they feel like enemies to be held at arm’s length rather than friends to be embraced. Until we embrace them, they will remain enemies indeed--standing defiantly if not secretly between us and our full potential.
Natalie’s story landed differently for each one of you listening. That’s awesome. It’s part of the mystery of stories--that one story can affect so many people so differently and in just the way each person needed. And, I hope this episode has also affected each of you in one shared way: I hope Natalie’s story has encouraged you to become even more intimately acquainted with your own Story so that, like Natalie, you can fulfill even more of your potential in the world--for your own enjoyment and the world’s benefit.
Natalie reminded me of this quote from Carl Jung in the days leading up to our recorded conversation, and it’s a perfect bow to tie on this episode:
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."
I Can Help
We won’t fully understand our story without the compassionate, curious support of other people. They see our Story and us within it in ways that we simply can’t. I can be a compassionate, curious partner for you, helping you to become more intimately acquainted with your amazing story so it can inhibit you less and empower you even more moving forward. What are you capable of when you’re more completely you?? That’s very much worth finding out.
Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram or LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Connect with Natalie
Email | Instagram | Facebook | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 018 | Life's 3 Big Questions: A Conversation with the Coroner
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
- Ep. 036 | The Global Fish Pond Crisis: What It Is, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It
“I didn’t when I coulda, and now I can’t when I wanna.” An elderly man once spoke those words to a client of mine. The man was obviously saying a lot in that one statement as he reflected back on his life. But at least one of the things he was acknowledging is that he didn’t enjoy himself as much as he could have when he was still able to do the things he enjoyed. What a bitter realization!
How often do you play? You know--do something just for fun. Do something that doesn’t have anything to do with work.
In this episode, I show you how to set yourself free to play more so that unlike the old man, you can look back and say, “I’m so glad I did when I coulda, because now I can’t when I wanna!”
Kids 1 - 0 Adults
Kids are really good at playing. It’s their default setting, you might say, and a top priority on any given day. We adults? Not so much. We’re very often all work and no play. We may want to play more or even know that it would be good to do, but when push comes to shove, a lot of us bang out a few more emails or do yet another project around the house.
I’m not arguing that, like kids, play should be our TOP priority as adults. I don’t think that’s true at all. You might know a few adults for whom play seems to be a top priority at the expense of the other things in life that matter, too.
But I am arguing in favor of just a bit more play in the midst of all of our adulting. Some of you reading this right now have been wrestling with this very thing.
My Own Experience
In fact, I’VE been wrestling with this very thing, so this topic is close to my heart. My wife and I have been in an intense chapter of life renovation for the past 9 or so years. It’s required a lot of blood, sweat, tears, perseverance, and resilience. Thankfully, we’re enjoying the fruits of our labors today more than ever before. We’re actually living the dream we first began to dream 9 years ago. But play has often fallen way down on the list of priorities in the name of pursuing our dreams.
In Ep. 017, Busting the "Balance" Myth: A Better Way, I proposed that growing in our ability to manage life’s many tensions is better than trying to achieve and sustain the ever-elusive, ever-fragile “balance.” In my case, for the past 9 years, I’ve allowed the tension between work and fun to favor work more often than fun. More recently, though, I’ve realized that it’s time for the tension to favor play a bit more, too. So, I’m taking steps to let play take up a lot more space on my calendar, so to speak--to let an attitude of playfulness have more air-time.
For example, this past weekend, we spent Saturday and Sunday afternoons with our boys and some of their cousins at a cool little spot on the river that runs through town--tubing, hunting for crawdads, building dams, and just goofing off. We all had a blast, and we made some memories. I want more of that! You can hold me to it.
What Qualifies as Play?
Play doesn’t have to be river outings, of course. Play is simply whatever is fun for you, whatever gives you energy back...and ISN’T part of the work of life. It’s not as if play is unproductive, though. I actually think it’s productive in some of the most important ways, and I touch on that in Ep. 032, Reimagining Productivity: A Path to Greater Freedom and Fulfillment.
How to Play More
So if you’re realizing that you’d like more play in your life, here are three essential ingredients in the recipe for more play:
First, Give Yourself Permission to Play. This one is a big deal. Many of us lack internal self-permission as adults. Repeat after me: I can do what I want, when I want, where I want, how I want. One more time: I can do what I want, when I want, where I want, how I want. Do you really believe that? Because it’s really true. That’s the great permission of adulthood. So, if you really want to play more, first give yourself permission to do so. You CAN play more simply because you WANT to play more. Period.
Second, Summon the Courage to Play: This might sound strange at first. But hear me out. When we play, we briefly put down the many concerns and nagging uncertainties of life as a human on planet earth. And we focus our attention on the present moment and the potential for fun that it contains. I think that many of us fail to play as often as we could because we aren’t willing to put down the concerns and uncertainties of life even for a moment. Because that could be the moment when the thing we most fear happens! Or what if I don’t return that client’s call right away? I could lose their business! So, instead of putting work down, even just briefly, we stay connected all the time in an attempt to stave off undesirable future outcomes. And all the while, we miss out on fun that could be ours right here, right now.
If you really want to play more, summon the courage to play. Life IS fraught with peril and uncertainty. Play anyway!
And third, Embrace Your Mortality as Motivation: Let the inevitability of your Mortality compel you. When you breathe your last, will you be more glad that you fired off that last email or that you rough-housed with your kids? Will you be more glad that you booked that extra work trip or had a new adventure with your son? Australian Nurse Bronnie Ware wrote a book called The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying, in which she chronicled the regrets of the dying that she cared for as a palliative care nurse. #2 on the list of top regrets was, “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”
Think about that. REALLY think about that. Because it’s too late once the Grim Reaper comes a’calling.
It’s up to you.
Simple, But Not Easy!
Though on the one hand, this approach to play is simple, it’s far from easy. There’s a time for everything. A time to work and a time to play. It’s not always obvious which is the better choice in a given situation. And even when we feel persuaded that play is a good choice, actually making that choice is another thing entirely.
So give yourself grace as you strengthen your neglected “play” muscles. In time, with practice, they will provide better counterbalance to your well-developed “work” muscles and allow you to manage the tension between work and play even more effectively.
Let’s recap. To set yourself free to play more, first give yourself permission to play. Then, summon the courage to play. And finally, embrace your Mortality as motivation.
Remember, you are going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it, and don’t forget to play!
I Can Help
Sometimes, we need help with one of more of those three ingredients in the recipe for more play. We lack objectivity about ourselves, and the support of a trusted partner can create the insight we need to get unstuck.
I can be that partner for you.
Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Three More APiD Episodes to Help You Play More
These three episodes of Andrew Petty is Dying will help you in your ongoing quest to play more:
- Ep. 010 | Life is a House With Many Rooms: Would Your House Pass Inspection?
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to follow this show, and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
This episode is a little different. I’m going to throw out a theory I’ve been chewing on for a while to see how it lands for you. If I’m at all on the mark with my theory, then you and I are in the midst of a global identity crisis with huge individual implications.
Go with me on this, and I’d love to know what you think.
Two Stories, One Point
John’s Story
John was born in 1952 in a small town in Michigan. His mom managed the homefront, his dad was an accountant, and he had two younger sisters. In keeping with the prevailing sentiment of the day, his mom and dad favored stability, predictability, and peace above all else since WWII was still painfully if not distantly visible in the rearview mirror. And John’s dad was a combat veteran. Gratitude for the simplicity of small-town American life was a staple of John’s family’s ethic, and dreams of bigger and better things weren’t exactly frowned upon, but they weren’t encouraged either.
John went to school with the same 60 or so kids from K-12, watched the same regular TV programming as everyone else, and was glad to get a job at a local print shop when he graduated from high school. He liked art and design, and this seemed like a reasonable way to get a bit of that in his work while at the same time taking his place among the ranks of the responsible and productive.
John eventually bought the print shop after 20 years at the company and the establishment of his own family, and though each decade brought with it its own set of challenges in the world at large, John had a sense of who he was and what he did in the world. He was John, the son of Tom and Sally, from a small town in Michigan. He was a husband, father, business owner, and engaged member of his community. He was aware of the wider world and interested in its affairs, but he didn’t spend much time concerning himself about things that didn’t affect his immediate day-to-day or threaten to do so.
On the whole, John was content to be a decent-sized fish in a small pond in the middle of Michigan.
Alex’s Story
Alex was born in 1995 in the same small Michigan town as John. The town was bigger when Alex was born, but not significantly so. It had simply grown the way that towns can when there aren’t specific causes for decline but neither are there particular reasons for a boom. His mom was an IT manager who worked from home and his dad was a VP with a national healthcare provider. Alex was an only child.
Alex changed schools 4 times and moved to different neighborhoods twice in his K-12 years--the result of his parents’ concerns about the quality of the education he was receiving and proximity to the airport for his dad’s business trips. So, Alex had several different groups of friends over the years but became increasingly less social as the years wore on--fatigue from the social turnover taking its toll. By the time he was a sophomore in high school, smart phones and the proliferation of social media made it easier to interact from a distance and meet people outside of his hometown that he found more interesting. He was aware of the vastness of the world and the almost infinite options awaiting him. There was so...much...more out there than this little town had to offer.
By the time his senior year rolled around, Alex was counting down the milliseconds until graduation--when he was free to leave the stifling smallness of his hometown and explore new horizons. Maybe he’d visit his buddy Alex in Oregon, whose dad grew marijuana for medical use, or his online crush Lisa in Miami. His gaming buddy, Yoshi, had invited him to visit him in Tokyo. That would be amazing. The possibilities were endless.
Fast forward to the present day, and Alex’s still a relatively young man at 26, but he’s beginning to feel some internal pressure to figure some things out. He’s lived in 4 different cities since high school graduation--all thankfully much different and in his opinion way more interesting than his hometown. But eventually, each city got a little old, or he had a hard time connecting with new people there, or the tech job he’d landed went away because of down-sizing or right-sizing or an acquisition. He’s feeling a bit adrift. He’s spending more and more time on social media--fantasizing about achieving the stardom and notoriety of a Gary V. or a Joe Rogan and peering into the lives of hundreds of people he doesn’t know but whose lives look more interesting than his. This isn’t helping. It creates a chronic sense of he’s here and “they” are way over there--living in a magical land of financial ease and personal certainty. The gap seems to be widening with every passing day.
Plus, it appears to him that the world is beginning to crumble around him. Racial unrest, global pandemics, dishonest politicians, and environmental armageddon are just a few of the big things that threaten to do the world in any day now. At least, that’s what he’s hearing in the media. And can the media be trusted? If not they, then how does he get reliable info about the state of things? He feels like he ought to do something about at least one of these things. But which one? And what can he possibly do as just one guy? He feels increasingly like he’s being swept along by a tidal wave of horrible inevitability that he’s powerless against.
Alex is a small fish in a global fish pond. It’s terrifying, and it’s paralyzing.
So What’s the Point, Petty?
Hopefully, the juxtaposition of the portraits of these men from the same town but with very different experiences of the world illustrates the theory I want to share with you. Here’s the theory, simply stated to make the implicit explicit:
I think that most if not all of us are suffering at the hands of what I’m calling the Global Fish Pond Crisis. We’re all susceptible to some version of Alex’s experience in the world.
I actually think it’s a big reason that people like me have a job doing what we do. People feel adrift in a global fish pond and need help making sense of their place in it.
But What IS the Global Fish Pond Crisis?
Here’s what I think is happening: When the whole world is at our fingertips 24/7 and the old ways of forming an identity aren’t adequate anymore, then it’s completely up to us to catalyze our identity--a term I first heard from Jordan Peterson--and stabilize it in the midst of a global pond churning with other fish trying to do the same thing. In John’s case, geography and associated cultural norms provided reliable, local boundaries to his fish pond and formed a foundation for his identity. He was one fish among 20,000, not one among 7 Billion as we may feel ourselves to be today.
But perhaps the biggest problem with the Global Fish Pond Crisis is that we’re not aware that it exists.
We’re tempted instead to think that we’re just not cutting it. We may be aware of various degrees of psychological pain and suffering caused by it--like in Alex’s case--but we’re misattributing it to our own laziness or incompetency or lack of worth. This is a case in which I think many of us are truly being victimized. And that’s why I bring it up. Because if this Global Fish Pond Crisis is actually a thing, then exposing it and its insidious effects on us means we can stop being victimized by it and start doing something about it.
We can go from unwitting victim to victor and find our place in the vast global pond in which we now swim.
In an age where few of us are born into small local ponds anymore, we have the opportunity to appropriately claim a small part of the global pond for our own--a part of the pond small enough to actually make a difference.
How to Rescue Ourselves from the Global Fish Pond Crisis
I think the way forward lies in each of us doing our best to assume even more complete responsibility for ourselves. To concern ourselves with those things that we can influence, to get our own houses in order, so to speak, and operate as productively as we know how right now, right where we are, with what we have. Staying zoomed out to the global view too much of the time leads to overwhelm and, frankly, I think it’s a cop-out because we then blame the global situation for why we’ve failed to sort ourselves out. Because what can one person do when the world is burning down around us? That’s victim stuff right there, and we’re all susceptible to it in one way or another.
Zoom out every once in a while, sure--but zoom right back to your own here and now, and determine to do what you can right where you are. And I don’t mean do what you can to fix the world. I mean do what you can to become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live. I think that when we do that, we actually fulfill the many desperate needs in the world better and more quickly, anyway.
Start Today
If this idea is scratching an itch for you--if you resonate with the idea of feeling like a tiny fish in a global pond--then resolve to do something about it in your own life right now. These four episodes of Andrew Petty is Dying will be especially useful as you take next steps to rescue yourself from the Global Fish Pond Crisis:
- Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
- Ep. 025 | The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code
- Ep. 035 | Build Your Personal Owner’s Manual: Understand Yourself Better, Enjoy Yourself More, and Live the Life You were Made to Live
Remember, you are going to die. But you aren’t dead yet. So get after it!
I Can Help
One of my favorite things in the entire world is helping people solidify their identity in the world so they’re better able to become the person they were made to be and live the life they were made to live. I can help you do that. I can help you escape the grip of the Global Fish Pond Crisis.
Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me. And I’d love to know what you think of this Global Fish Pond Crisis idea, too!
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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What kind of human are you, and how do you know? Who were you MADE to be, and what kind of life were you MADE to live? These can feel like big, daunting questions. Maybe you’ve actually been seeking better answers to those questions but feel like you’ve reached a dead end. Or maybe to some of you, they don’t feel like particularly useful questions or even very interesting.
Whatever camp you’re in, in this episode I hope to make a convincing case for the value of building your personal owner’s manual, and I’ll give you the tools to do it.
Ray’s Story
Ray pushed back from his desk and leaned back in his chair. He closed his eyes, rubbed them with the palm of his hands, and slowly opened them again. The lights of the city glowed and blinked beyond the floor-to-ceiling glass of his corner office on the 42nd floor. He glanced at his watch. 11:30. He knew he was tired, but seeing how late it was made the tiredness sink into his bones. A half-eaten poor excuse for a cobb salad sat wilted on the desk to his right, a dollop of dressing dangling off the edge of the plastic to-go container and threatening to leap onto the affidavit beneath it.
His phone screen lit up. “Love you. Miss you” said the first part of the text from his wife. “Lasagna’s in the fridge. Oh, almost forgot--Blake scored a goal tonight.”
3 weeks of late nights and working weekends. And this wasn’t the first time--not by a long stretch. It seemed like every client was now a “big client” whose case demanded this kind of TLC.
Ray let out a long, slow sigh. Then, with a ferocity that startled him, he sat up and slammed his fist onto the pile of papers in front of him. Poised over his desk, his fist throbbing from the impact, out of the corner of his eye Ray saw the dollop of dressing make good on its threat and land on the affidavit.
Something had to change.
Tanya’s Story
Tanya dug her paddle into the water to guide her kayak through the last of the rapids. As the river widened, the water slowed and flattened, and the roar of the rapids subsided, she peered back over her shoulder to see how her friends were faring. Two more kayaks trailed behind her, and the whoops and hollers of their occupants were all Tanya needed to know that her friends were doing just fine. She turned back around to face downriver, rested her paddle across the bow, and allowed her kayak to drift with the current. Canyon walls towered over her, and in an instant the late afternoon sun dropped below the rim of the canyon and put Tanya in deep, cool shadow. She closed her eyes and drank in the stillness.
Or at least, she tried to. Usually, these moments were blissfully peaceful for Tanya. But this moment was different. She was aware again of a nagging restlessness--something that had popped up a few times before in moments of stillness on this trip--on the drive out, and around the campfire. It confused her, because up until this moment, she’d always been able to count on river trips to tamp down the restlessness that plagued her back in the real world, where she was dutifully applying her chemistry degree in a hospital lab. But now the restlessness had tracked her down and invaded her river sanctuary.
In that moment, a deep sadness crept into Tanya’s heart with the knowledge that the river was no longer a reliable refuge. And a new, even more troubling sensation made itself known: desperation. If not the river, then where could she go or what could she do to find relief from the restlessness?
Her eyes popped open and widened. The familiar lines and shadows and contours of the river and the canyon now took on a strangely foreign feel. She blinked, and her eyes welled up. Something had to change.
Their Story = A Familiar Story
On the one hand, Ray’s and Tanya’s stories are fictitious. On the other hand, though, they’re not really, are they? They’re representative of thousands upon thousands of other people’s stories of stuckness, confusion, and quiet despair. Stories of stuckness, confusion, and despair occurring beneath a veneer of outward “okayness” and a semblance of success. Maybe you found YOURSELF in one of these stories somehow.
Why a Personal Owner’s Manual?
In my personal experience and my work with my clients, I’ve learned that without fail, an inadequate understanding of the kind of human we are, who we were made to be, and the life we were made to live is substantially complicit in creating stuckness, confusion, and despair in our lives.
And more often than not, it’s unnecessary stuckness, confusion, and despair--a predicament that can be resolved by updating our personal owner’s manual.
I say “updating” our personal owner’s manual, BTW, because for most of us, it’s not truly that we lack an owner’s manual altogether. It’s just that it’s jammed way back in our mental glovebox--not easily accessible, neglected, pages bent, some pages missing, and others incomplete. Relegated to a place of irrelevance and relative uselessness in our hearts and minds. It’s been assembled through a hodge-podge of life experiences and vague lessons- learned--but very little of it is useful and actionable in a conscious, intentional, purposeful way day-to-day.
As a result, we are more passive than active, more reactive than proactive, more unconscious than conscious, and more likely to find ourselves in Ray’s or Tanya’s situation in one way or another. And if we do find ourselves there, less likely to know what to do about it. We may reach for the old owner’s manual stuffed way back in our mental glovebox, but its contents aren’t adequate to the task of helping us know how to deploy ourselves more effectively in order to get a better result.
Even with a decent personal owner’s manual, we find ourselves in unknown territory often, of course--for at least two reasons: 1) Life is uncertain and much of it is simply out of our control, and 2) with the help of a useful personal owner’s manual, sometimes we intentionally choose to deploy ourselves in new and unfamiliar environments in the pursuit of something we want. For example, if I want to become a published writer because the contents of my owner’s manual point me in that direction, then I’ll have to put myself in new situations and encounter new challenges in order to become one.
The Benefits of a Personal Owner’s Manual
Here are three key benefits of having a useful personal owner’s manual:
- First, you understand yourself better. Which means that you can intentionally design your life around the kind of human you are vs. who you’re not and what you’re especially good at vs. what you’re not. You learn to see yourself as a certain kind of human suited better for certain environments and pursuits than the many others available. Which allows you to focus time and energy where you’ll get the best bang-for-buck. For example, if I was a car, I might be a late-70s Toyota Land Cruiser. I won’t get anywhere very fast, but if you need me to climb a windy, solitary, rutted mountain road, I’m your guy. By comparison, if you wanted me to go toe to toe with a ferrari on a race track...well, technically I’d be able to drive the course, but I’m not going to break any records or give the Ferrari any actual competition, and I might burn up my engine if I pushed it.
- Another benefit of a useful personal owner’s manual is that you enjoy yourself more. Meaning, you literally learn to enjoy YOU more, AND you deploy yourself in the world in ways that are more consistently enjoyable and rewarding and less often unproductive and unfulfilling. To use the previous analogy, I’ve come to enjoy that I’m a vintage Land Cruiser rather than wish that I was a Ferrari. And I spend as much solitary time as possible on the less-traveled roads in life, enjoying the scenery and slowly connecting more dots of meaning together as I go. Imagine if I mistakenly believed I was a Ferrari and tried to perform like one in life? Or knew that I was a Land Cruiser but wanted to be a Ferrari--and tried to perform like a Ferrari anyway? It’s just a matter of time before the wheels come off or the motor burns up.
- And finally, you live the life that you were uniquely made to live. You find YOUR path amidst the almost infinite array of options available. This is a big one, because it benefits not only you but the rest of us, too. You get a life filled with more meaning, purpose, and contentment, and we get the very best that you have to offer in the world. And since you’re the One and Only You--there only ever has been and only ever will be one person just like you--then you’ve got a difference to make in the world that only you can make.
There’s one more big reason that a personal owner’s manual is so incredibly helpful in our day and age, and I’ll unpack it more in the next episode. Tune in to learn why the “global fish pond crisis” is wreaking so much havoc so easily on so many of us in the modern world.
Okay, but what actually IS a personal owner’s manual, and how do you create one? Let’s dig into that.
What’s in a Personal Owner’s Manual?
I use a simple three-part structure for creating a personal owner’s manual. And it even alliterates, which is handy. The three parts are Nature, Nurture, and Now. Let’s look at each part more closely.
Nature is simply what you came into the world with--your “default settings,” so to speak. In my experience, surprisingly few of us have a good sense, at least in any quantifiable or actionable way, of what our default settings are. I focus primarily on two of our default settings in creating the Nature part of our owner’s manual: personality and natural abilities. And two assessments create the foundation for understanding our personality and natural abilities.
The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is an awesome tool for gaining deeper insight into the personality style we were born with. It describes your personality in four different areas and according to one of 16 different possible personality profiles. (My Myers-Briggs profile is INFP, BTW--which may not surprise you if you know something about Myers-Briggs already and consider what I do for a living.)
Think of your personality as prescription eyeglasses through which you view everyone and everything in the world. The prescription is unique to you, and though others may have the same 4-letter Myers-Briggs profile, no one else expresses that profile in exactly the same way as you. Every personality style has its own set of inherent strengths and weaknesses. And when you’re more aware of what those are, you can design your life to play to your strengths and minimize your weaknesses. You can understand your relationships with others better and identify specific ways to improve them--especially in the areas of normal and natural differences between you and others that so often create problems but when identified can become sources of strength. I see this transformation from conflict around normal and natural differences to more powerful partnerships because of the differences regularly in my own life and in my clients’ experience. It’s one of the things I love most about deepening our understanding of our default settings in the area of personality.
The Highlands Ability Battery is an amazing tool for gaining deeper insight into the abilities that you were born with--as opposed to skills acquired along the way. It gives you objective data about how well and how quickly you solve problems, how you learn, how far into the future you naturally project, how well you are able to order your thoughts and share them with others, among many other things. Taken together, the results give you a compass for navigating the road ahead even more intelligently, enjoyably, and productively--prioritizing those things that play to your natural abilities rather than work against them.
You can get started on the Nature part of your personal owner’s manual right now, if you want. Go to MBTIionline.com to take a self-guided version of Myers-Briggs for just $50 and about an hour of your time. You’ll need someone to administer the Highlands Ability Battery for you. I can do that for you, or you can go to highlandsco.com to connect with someone.
With your innate personality and natural abilities better in hand, you’ve got a really solid foundation of understanding about the kind of human that you are. Land Cruiser? Ferrari? Interplanetary space vehicle? Whatever you discover, it sure will be good to know because then you can choose ideal rather than adverse operating conditions for the human that you are more often. And that means you’re well on your way to enjoying yourself more and living the life you were made to live.
In the fictitious cases of Ray and Tanya, the Nature part of their personal owner’s manual would help them understand the professional paths they’re especially well-suited to--as opposed to the ones they’re currently on that are causing problems--and how to manage their energy more effectively, among other things. But Nature isn’t the whole story, and adding the next part of the personal owner’s manual would help Ray and Tanya begin to make better sense of why and how they’ve arrived where we found them.
The next part of the personal owner’s manual is Nurture. Basically, this is your Story--from as early as you can remember up until the present day. And it’s distinct from Nature--things that you had no ability to influence--because even though things have happened to you that you had no ability to control, you have also been a conscious, active participant in your Story, writing it even as you lived it and living it even as you wrote it.
The goal of the Nurture part of the personal owner’s manual is to understand and redeem as much of your past as possible for present and future benefit. It’s a remarkable if not understandable part of the human condition that we so often live in relative ignorance of the impact of our Story on the person we’ve become and spend a lot of time trying to escape the especially painful parts. But I think that doing this is very much like cutting off our nose to spite our face. Because as you may have heard me say before, I believe that our Stories and our Purpose in the world are inseparable. If our Story holds clues to our unique Purpose in the world, then knowing them intimately and mining them for as much meaning as possible is an extremely useful undertaking.
For example, in episode 003, How to Turn Your Imperfections Into Superpowers: The Key to Unlocking Your Unique Purpose, I share how after many years I was able to accept the Anxiety-ridden chapter of my Story. In turn, this acceptance led to greater enjoyment of the man that I am today, a genuine sense of pride in the battle that I’ve waged all these years--as opposed to a chronic sense of shame and inadequacy. And it also led to this podcast and the creation of the Graveyard Group masterminds--unique ways that I express my Nature and my Nurture as a coach. These things wouldn’t have come into existence without this revisitation of my Story.
In the cases of Ray and Tanya, developing the Nurture part of their personal owner’s manual would help them each understand better the forces and choices in their Stories that led them to the moments where we found them. And with greater insight, they would increase their perception of the options available to them based upon the clues that their Stories provided as to their unique Purposes in life--options to leave behind, adapt, or embrace parts of their Stories that they’d long neglected or resisted.
In your case, developing the Nurture part of your personal owner’s manual can begin in earnest right now. First, on the mental and emotional levels, begin with a decision to view your story as a goldmine of untapped insight into who you are, how you became who you are, and how clues from your past shine light on the Path that lies ahead of you.
Next, on a more tactical level, begin to review your life in 10-year increments--without judgment, with as much honesty and courage as you can muster, and engaging curiosity and objectivity as your guides. Write down the significant events from each decade and how they impacted you. Don’t rush this process. Let it be a process that’s initiated and kept open in your heart and mind--a new way of engaging with your Story in a progressively revelatory way. Gradually, as meaning from the past is brought forward into your present, you become an even more skilled author of the chapter you’re writing right now.
Clinical psychologist, author, cultural lightning rod, and Jordan Peterson created a very reasonably-priced online tool called Self Authoring, “a series of online writing programs that collectively help you explore your past, present and future.” I haven’t used it yet, but I plan to, and there’s huge benefit in using a pre-fab resource to overcome the inertia of starting out on your own into the murky past.
The third and final part of your personal owner’s manual is Now. Now equals values, interests, experience, opportunities, and obligations. It’s like emptying your pockets out onto a table in front of you to see what you’ve got on hand. Only these things aren’t just loose change or car keys. Instead, they’re current realities that will shape how you deploy what you’ve discovered in the Nature and Nurture phases of your personal owner’s manual update. Values, for example, might influence whether you shoot for that partner position at your firm, in light of the fact that an even higher value than professional success is making memories with your family. This could be part of Ray’s predicament--an internal values war. Interests are those things that just naturally call to you or pique your curiosity. What do your interests tell you about how to deploy your Nature and Nurture even more enjoyably and productively in the future? Your Experience is the sum of the knowledge and skills you’ve acquired over the years. In what ways has your experience especially prepared you for certain kinds of things more than others? Opportunities are both those that have presented themselves to you and those that you have created. They’re the proverbial birds-in-hand. And Obligations are those outstanding commitments that impact how and when you’re able to operationalize what you discovered in your consideration of Nature and Nurture. Sometimes, Obligations that first look like obstacles can, in fact, to quote Ryan Holiday of The Daily Stoic, become the way.
So that’s a quick and dirty description of the personal owner’s manual and how to begin updating yours right now. It’s simple, on the one hand, but it’s not easy. Bear in mind that it’s as much a mindset as it is an actual process, an attitude of self-discovery that opens up new veins of Insight that can be converted into Action to yield Transformation.
You Need a Partner
You can certainly make a lot of progress on your personal owner’s manual flying solo. But it’s my conviction that we all need one or two trusted, confidential, skilled partners to help this work realize its potential in our lives. All three parts of the personal owner’s manual need an external, more objective perspective to be seen for what they really are. And the magical moment when potential becomes reality is the moment we decide to apply real-world Action to our Insights. Without external support, we’re more likely to stop at Insight than we are to move on to Action. If we know all about the car we own because we’ve read the manual from cover to cover but never actually take it for a spin, our knowledge is of nearly no value whatsoever.
Once you’ve determined that updating your personal owner’s manual is useful and have begun that process, you’ve embarked on a strategic adventure of self-discovery that will make a difference now, can last a lifetime, and will help you know with confidence that you gave it all you had while you were still above ground and breathing. It will help you understand yourself better, enjoy yourself more, and live the life you were made to live.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Let’s Build Yours Together
If you’re turned on to the idea of updating your personal owner’s manual, then connect with me to learn more about working together 1-1 or something new I’m creating, called the Personal Owner’s Manual Academy. The Academy will take you through the three-part Nature / Nurture / Now process with the support of a small group of your peers and my input as your confidential guide.
Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think These Will be Useful to You, Too
- Ep. 003 | How to Turn Your Imperfections Into Superpowers: The Key to Unlocking Your Unique Purpose
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
- Ep. 025 | The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code
Additional Resources & References
- The Obstacle is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials Into Triumph (Ryan Holiday)
- Jordan Peterson YouTube Playlist: This is a compilation of short Jordan Peterson clips on various topics that I found really useful.
Can Death bring you back to Life?
If former NFL pro Dennis Franks’ story is any indication, then the answer is 100% yes. And his story is packed full of hard-won wisdom for becoming the people we were made to be and living the lives we were made to live.
First, Rabbit Trail to a Big Idea
I met Dennis Franks through a mutual friend--or even more accurately, a friend of my parents back when I was a little boy in Boone, NC. Serendipitously, Bonnie Church had gotten curious about what I was up to and looked me up online--where she found this podcast. And almost overnight, she became an unexpected, very welcome, and very generous source of encouragement and inspiration. She also happens to have co-written a book with Dennis and his good friend, former Philadelphia Eagle's teammate, Vince Papale. And Bonnie realized that Dennis' story was a good fit for Andrew Petty is Dying.
Which is how we ended up here today, with former pro football player-turned-network marketing success story, Dennis Franks, as the guest on this episode.
I share this backstory because it highlights a big idea that I think is useful for all of us to remember: When we commit to becoming the person we were made to be and living the life we were made to live, and we persevere in that work--as I've been trying to do through this podcast, for example--cool things happen--like getting reconnected with Bonnie and striking up a friendship with Dennis. That's the technical term, BTW--"cool things." Truth is, you never really know what will come of it all, but that's part of the adventure. And each new serendipitous moment creates the potential for more. It's the best kind of compounding interest.
Now, Back to the Program Already in Progress...
Dennis Franks is a primo example of someone who has persevered in becoming the person he was made to be and living the life he was made to live. Along the way, he found success and fame in the NFL, and he's achieved remarkable success in business post-football. But it hasn't been all rainbows and unicorns. Far from it, in fact, and Dennis has fought tooth and nail for every bit of success he's attained and to learn the lessons available from his failures. And a close encounter with Mortality woke him up to what mattered most and kicked his butt in gear big-time after the fumes of football fame had dissipated.
We dig into all of that and more in this interview. The internet can give you a version of Dennis' story--and it's one that's available to anyone who cares to type in "Dennis Franks" in the Google search window. But I was especially interested in the REST of the story. What's Dennis Franks really all about? What makes him tick? How does an encounter with Mortality impact a man who, for a while at least, seemed to have it all?After all of his ups and downs, moments of fame and seasons of ridicule, what wisdom for life does he have to offer to all of us?
To set the stage, though, here's the cliff’s notes version of what can be learned online about Dennis.
Introducing Dennis Franks, Interwebs-style
From humble beginnings in Pittsburgh--the son of a steelworker and a German figure skating champion--Dennis had a noteworthy college football career at Michigan and went on to 5 years in the NFL, first with the Philadelphia Eagles, then with the Detroit Lions. Along with Vince Papale, about whose story the film Invincible was made with Mark Wahlberg in the starring role, Dennis had a hand in setting the Eagles up for their first superbowl appearance in 1981. A rough patch after football was followed by Dennis' discovery of the world of network marketing, a business he has excelled at ever since. In fact, early on he became one of the few to earn over $1 Million in annual commissions through a home-based business. Today, Dennis is executive vice president of Market America Worldwide, a product brokerage and internet marketing company that specializes in one-to-one marketing and social shopping. Market America provides a system for entrepreneurs to supplement their income and gives customers a better way to shop.
Dennis' book, The Last Laugh: Vision to Victory outlines seven keys to making your dream a reality--Vision, Valor, Vehemence, Veracity, Vitality, Vigor, and Victory--and illustrates them at work through his and Vince's stories and firsthand accounts from the likes of Dick Vermeil, Jim Harbaugh, and others who have had extraordinary success in their fields. Like Dennis, The Last Laugh is direct, no BS, imminently practical, and full of wisdom. If you want to get from here to there, The Last Laugh will help you. It's helped me.
Dennis and his wife, Nancy, live near Charlotte, NC. They have two daughters and two grandchildren.
A Date with Death
The entry point into our conversation was an episode in Dennis’ story back in the 80s that changed the course of his life forever. Dennis’ “15 minutes of fame” as a 5-year NFL pro are over. He’s discovering that a resume of “moving people for a living” doesn’t automatically land you a good job, and he’s begun to move in some unhealthy circles where partying hard was a way of life, not just a for-fun kind of thing.
One day, after a 36-hour, cocaine-infused bender, Dennis found himself staring Death in the face. He literally felt like his heart was going to explode. A good friend--now his wife, Nancy--stayed with him until his body began to resume more normal functioning. But the impact of that experience was there to stay. Here’s Dennis in his own words:
“It was a huge change in my life...resetting, almost, and trying to understand that I had something to live for, and not to be this waste. Don't be that one-and-done star, and now that you can't have that anymore, it's over. It couldn't be, because I was 29 years old, and I had a lot of years left to live. That was a critical time for me...Everything changed because of that near-death experience. There was a realization that there had to be more.”
Rebirth
Amazingly, Dennis dropped his cocaine addiction cold-turkey and began to re-learn how to live. As a 300lb. single guy with no job, he had to fundamentally rewire his relationship with food and alcohol. Physical wellness became priority numero uno. Since then, Dennis has returned to and maintained his high school playing weight, and physical wellness is a top priority--and shows up in the Victor’s Code as Vigor and Vitality.
Gradually, Dennis’ life-saving encounter with Death and the wholesale life renovation that followed led him into the world of network marketing. But one more unexpected speed bump was just up ahead.
The Past Comes Back to Haunt Him
After being clean for seven years, the FBI paid Dennis a visit out of the blue:
“I was making it in life, and I was handcuffed and taken out of my office in Monterey, CA, only to go to court back in Philadelphia because my name was in the dealer's book when he got busted. And the DA in Philadelphia said "here's a Philadelphia Eagle that might be able to spill on other Philadelphia Eagles. Let's go after him." And the scariest part of this was, they wanted to give me 15 years; they were going after maximum sentence. And I'm going, are you kidding me, I've been clean for almost seven years and you're coming back to me with a conspiracy to distribute?”
Dennis was fortunate to ultimately receive only a one-year sentence of community service and stays at a halfway house every weekend. And he learned sobering lessons about the importance of the choices we make, the environments we put ourselves in, and the people we surround ourselves with.
Wisdom from the Figure-Skating Son of a Steelworker
We rewound the tape farther back in Dennis’ story to his childhood, where we explored how figure skating entered the picture and why it exited suddenly when he entered high school, the impact of his childhood--and especially his father--on the man he’s become today, and where his immense passion and drive for everything he undertakes came from.
Here are some of the nuggets of wisdom that emerged from the rest of the conversation:
- “In life, it's so important to always have people around you that care about YOU, who you are, people who are better than me. I'm not afraid to be the person who doesn't know everything. I prefer to be the person who can learn everything on a daily basis.”
- “I want people to understand that you're not born a superstar. It's a choice to utilize your God-given talents. Are you willing to spend the time to become what you were meant to be? So many people don't have that vision. That's a big part of that vision to victory concept, because I want everyone to realize--you can if you believe you can, and if you're willing to do the things necessary to make that happen.”
- “Winners never lose, they just learn.”
- “There is no balance in success.”
- “I believe in taking calculated risks...I'm not asking you to be foolish, but I am asking you to take a calculated risk so you can be all-in once you make the decision. The reason people fail is because they don't go all-in because they're afraid of failing. A calculated risk to me is somebody who has weighed out the best-case / worst-case. And if you can deal with the worst-case, why not go full-on? And if you don't go full-on, then you really didn't want it anyway, and it's not gonna happen.” (This nugget emerged from our discussion of football as a metaphor for life--really fun and enlightening part of the conversation.)
- And tune into the full episode to hear:
- Dennis’ advice for how to find your Path and Purpose in life…
- How he measures success now, at 67…
- And his response to the question, “If you knew you were going to die in exactly five years, what would you start doing differently today?”
Landing the Plane
Fear gets a bad rap. We're always trying to overcome it or get rid of it. But if Dennis' story is any indicator, then the value of fear is hard to deny. The fear of Death--maybe even more specifically, the fear of not living the life he was capable of living--motivated Dennis to quit cocaine cold-turkey after a season of aimlessness post-football and turn his life around. That watershed moment set him on a very different path than the self-destructive one he'd been headed down. I'd call fear a literal lifesaver in Dennis' case, not an enemy to be overcome.
And as Dennis said in the full episode, if you're willing to face your fears, you can get through them. Lise Leroux rang the same bell in episode 006, The Nine Lives of Lise Leroux: One Woman's Mind-blowing Tale of Living With a Terminal Diagnosis. I think a key to tapping into fear's potential power in our lives is teaching ourselves to become its boss. I unpack that further in episoe 005, How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto. And that's precisely what Dennis did--he summoned the courage to overhaul himself from the inside-out when an encounter with Mortality filled him with fear. He's been looking ahead and pushing ahead in life ever since.
What a gift that fear was to Dennis!
Making Dennis’ Story Relevant in YOUR Story
Are you holding back in life--not going all-in, as Dennis said--because of some fear or another? Take a page from Dennis' playbook. Consider the best and worst-case scenarios. And if you can deal with the worst-case scenario, then why not go all-in? On their deathbeds, people regret not going for it far more than they regret mistakes made when they did go for it. And the world needs YOU bringing your very best into the game of life, full-tilt, all-in, charging ahead with guts, gusto, and purpose to become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live.
And remember, you are going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
I Can Help
I can help you charge ahead with guts, gusto, and purpose to become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live. Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Go Here to learn about Graveyard Group masterminds--where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work.
Connect with Dennis
Email | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Website
Get Dennis’ Book
The Last Laugh: Vision to Victory
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to “follow” this show (apparently, that’s the new term that’s replaced “subscribe”), and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying!
When tragedy strikes and grief consumes you, how do you find your way forward again?
Ryan Bramwell is my neighbor. He piqued my curiosity soon after moving in a few doors down--the way your curiosity can be piqued after a few comments here and there in the midst of a casual conversation in the driveway begin to suggest that there's much more to the story than first meets the eye. That curiosity led to a conversation on my porch, which gave me a bit more insight into Ryan's story and ultimately landed him in one of my Graveyard Groups.
For almost a year now, along with the other guys in Ryan's group, I've had a front row seat perspective on Ryan's journey--a tale of courage and new life in the midst of tragedy and grief. The events of the past three years, especially, have led Ryan to redefine and double-down on what matters most. And true to form here on Andrew Petty is Dying, encounters with Mortality have a leading role in the story.
Your Front Row Seat
This episode gives you a front row seat perspective, too, as Ryan unpacks his story with vulnerability, humility, and courage--qualities that have been refined in Ryan through his suffering. Even as Ryan unpacks his story with us, he's also still very much in the middle of living the chapter of his story that he's describing. Some of it is in the rearview mirror, but a whole lot of it is still right here and now.
Meet Ryan Bramwell
Since 2007, Ryan and his team of designers, animators, editors and producers at Spillt--a progressive, industry-leading brand development, design, and animation agency in Denver--have been creating amazing stuff that you and I see everyday on network TV and in advertisements, movies, and streaming services. Spillt's clients include ESPN, CNN, Netflix, HBO, and National Geographic, to name a few.
Ryan is a creator, entrepreneur, and adventurer in mind, body, and soul. He's also unassuming and modest about his accomplishments, which helps me understand why it's taken so long to really appreciate just how big a deal he is in his industry.
First and foremost, though, Ryan is a husband and father.
Fair Warning...
You know me...I think regular, voluntary exposure to the reality of our Mortality is life-affirming, not depressing. It can motivate us to live NOW, to love BETTER, to get unstuck more quickly, become the people we were made to be and live the lives we were made to live.
Even so, fair warning: This episode touches on some of the most difficult topics in the human experience, including suicide and mental health challenges. I hope that won't discourage any of you from tuning in to the whole episode because Ryan's story is ultimately a triumphant one that I believe will encourage you. But I do want you to know what you're getting into.
Alright, without further ado, let's jump into Ryan's story.
Ecstasy One Minute...Tragedy the Next
After a little more than a decade of running his business, Ryan was beginning to feel pretty burned out and also wanted to test how well Spillt would run in his absence. So he, his wife and son, and his dad headed out to a tropical destination for some R&R. Gradually, Ryan began to truly relax and regain some objectivity about his life and work. Then in the middle of the night, his dad--who had gone back home early--called with the news that Ryan’s brother, Taylor, had killed himself. Horrifically, Ryan’s dad had found Taylor dead in the entryway to the home that they shared. Here’s Ryan in his own words:
“...I started to get a break on the beach--a release of stress or pressure or whatever you want to call it. And...started to get in a place where I can really objectively look at everything. And I got the unexpected call and news which flipped everything--I'd like to say 180, but it's kind of like 180 and digging a giant hole. Waking up in the middle of the night to my father's phone call, I just broke down. I'm not a big crier, but I don't think I've ever cried for that long. I didn't sleep, and it immediately thrust this calm, fun, open energy with our family just purely spending time together to shock, grief, needing to pack our bags, somehow find a flight back to Denver so I can somehow support my parents.”
A New Chapter Begins
And so Ryan and his family began a new, unexpected, and unwelcome chapter of their Story--with Grief in the leading role. Ryan’s long-term alcohol use began to spiral out of control, with long solo drinking sessions in his basement becoming a common occurrence. But one day, Ryan realized that he was slowly killing himself and would leave his family prematurely if he kept it up. So he enrolled in an outpatient treatment program and began the painstaking process of sobering up and evolving his relationship with alcohol.
More Relationships Evolve
As Ryan wrestled himself free from the destructive clutches of alcohol, he began to rediscover himself--to find the real Ryan Bramwell beneath the accumulated years of using alcohol to cope with life’s discomfort. Not everything that he found was pleasant. He discovered, for example, that he didn’t know how to sleep without alcohol’s influence, and had to rebuild that basic life skill from the ground up. Nor did he know how to understand, express, or manage his emotions very well. The hardest work of his life was now underway as he overhauled his relationships with some of life’s most fundamental elements without the crippling influence of alcohol.
And Grief? Well, Ryan found that the more he resisted it, the stronger its grip became. So he gradually learned not to seek permanent freedom from the Grief that threatened to overwhelm him but to embrace it instead.
Here’s Ryan in his own words:
“I learned the lesson through this that the only way to deal with the things I want in life--whether it be bad grief or something I want to attain to in life--is through it. Fighting something as large as grief is, in my opinion, a bottomless amount of energy that I don't know how you I could get myself out of the hole by just purely fighting it. I think I had to more accept it. I think I'm still learning today how it manifests and my relationship with it. And again, it's just that path, it's one step at a time. And that path for me and my family has led to what we want in life, what we truly want, how we want to live, and eventually got us up to Steamboat.”
More Tragedy
Then, just a year after Taylor committed suicide, Ryan’s father-in-law died of health-related causes. In the midst of his grief over his brother’s loss, Ryan was now grieving his father-in-law’s death and caring for his wife in her grief.
Dreams Become Reality
In the midst of their Grief, Ryan and his wife began to double-down on what mattered most to them--especially the things that they believed would provide an awesome childhood for their young son. With Mortality as their motivator, Ryan and his family moved to Steamboat Springs to make their dream of mountain living a reality. Here’s Ryan in his own words:
“...those things that fill us up from a personal level began to draw us...there's something inherently that just starts as a whisper of--I don't want to say more, but something different that fulfills us...It made us evaluate the kind of life that we wanted our son to have, and what fills us up. For us, we moved up here full-time, and my company is still in Denver, and I commute every other week, and to do that small commute, that perspective change--which is really all it was to support this life--was a small thing.”
The Story Ain’t Over
Ryan is still very much in the middle of writing this chapter of his Story. The Grief comes and goes. The quality of his presence with others waxes and wanes. His emotional intelligence ebbs and flows. But he’s on a new path now, taking each day as it comes, one day at a time, one step at a time.
Some Takeaways from Ryan’s Story
- Take time away from the grind to prevent burnout, gain objectivity, and enjoy the ones you love.
- Cultivate a relationship with Grief instead of trying to kick it out of your heart and mind. When it shows up, it will remain a part of you for life, but cultivating a relationship with it allows its place in your story to evolve over time.
- Practice truly being present with whomever you find yourself with--especially your family and friends. Let curiosity and understanding be your guides in those moments. As Ryan learned, It can all change from a dream to a nightmare in the blink of an eye.
- Pursue what fulfills you and prioritize what matters most with single-minded focus--NOW, before crisis blasts you out of your complacency.
- And more...Tune in for all of the nuggets of practical wisdom for living well that this episode has to offer.
Making It Personal, and Making It Matter
What's sticking with YOU from Ryan's story today?
Are you pushing yourself too hard at work, approaching burnout, and neglecting what really matters most in your life? Resolve right now to be the boss of yourself, take a page out of Ryan's playbook, and step off of the hamster wheel for a while. Take a break, get some perspective, and get more familiar with what it is that drives you so hard that you'd reach this point in the first place so you can take steps to reduce its influence in the future.
Have you lost a loved one to suicide, considered it yourself, or know of someone who you think may be at risk? Take just that one step today that Ryan encouraged you to consider. Get help, offer help, break the power of the status quo in your life and begin to create a new way forward one step at a time. It's NOT easy. But it IS possible. And you CAN do it.
Whatever's sticking with you from this episode...resolve to do just one thing with it today. As you add Action to your Insight, you move toward genuine Transformation.
I Can Help
Converting Insight into Action can be deceptively hard. I can help you with that. Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Go Here to learn about Graveyard Group masterminds--where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work.
I’m so glad you tuned in today. Don’t forget to “follow” this show (apparently, that’s the new term that’s replaced “subscribe”), and I’ll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Connect with Ryan
Email | Instagram | LinkedIn | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, Check These Out, Too
- You're Dying: How to Make the Most of It
- The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code
- Dragon Slayer: One Man's Tale of Heroic Life Renovation
We live in an age and a culture that seems obsessed with productivity. I actually think it’s become something of an idol--that is, something that we revere and worship that isn’t, in fact, worthy of worship in and of itself. A quick Google search returns a plethora of advice and resources for optimizing productivity, like an article from Lifehack entitled, “50 Ways to Increase Productivity and Achieve More in Less Time.” Implied? “Achieving more in less time is obviously a good thing.”
I’m not here to argue that productivity is a bad thing. I think it’s great to be productive. In fact, I think being productive is at the very core of what we humans need in order to experience contentment in life. In episode 025, The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code, my wife and I unpack this idea in more depth and detail.
What I am here to argue, though, is that many of us have bought into an inadequate definition of productivity. And unless we disabuse ourselves of this definition of productivity and swap it out for a better one, we’ll set ourselves up for a lifetime of unnecessary pressure and stress, a chronic and unnecessary sense of inadequacy, and a long list of regrets when the Grim Reaper comes to collect us.
So hang with me as I propose a better definition of productivity than the half-baked, tyrannical one that that many of us are currently enslaved by. And let’s set ourselves free to reimagine what real productivity can look like.
The Origins of My Own Productivity Reimagination
The computer screen stared back blankly at me. The pad of paper in front of me stared back blankly at me. The voices of my team outside my office as they went about their work intensified my sense that I wasn’t delivering what they needed. I could feel the tension mounting as the pressure to make a decision increased but I was no closer to a decision now than I had been 3 hours earlier. Which might have been tolerable had I not already spent big chunks of time over several days trying to make the decision. But this was how good leaders make decisions, right? They retreat to their office for a while and then emerge with the decision that the team needs. Right?
So what the hell? Why wasn’t that working for me?
Desperation Leads to Innovation
Finally, in exasperation, I realized that if this approach wasn’t working, then I had to try something else. And I decided to do something that was counter to the culture of the organization I was in; I decided to leave and go for a run in the middle of the afternoon.
I was nervous about this. It felt irresponsible, and I was concerned about what my team and my boss might think of my choice to leave in the middle of the day. But in this moment, necessity was once again the mother of invention, and my exasperation over failed attempts to reach a decision any other way overrode my fears and doubts.
And an hour or so later, I returned from my run triumphant, with a decision in hand.
Now, maybe this sounds like a little thing, especially in the grand scheme of things. And for some of you, that would have been a little thing. But I can tell you that for me, “triumphant” is a great word to describe that moment in my Story. I had finally delivered the decision that my team needed from me, experienced the relief and satisfaction that came along with it, and--in my desperation--stumbled upon a new way to be productive.
A Quick Sidenote
That was 10 or so years ago. As I recount that experience in my own Story, I’m aware of and honestly, kind of self-conscious about how much that situation reveals about who and how I was back then: like the nature of my beliefs about what good leadership is, my own lack of self-permission and personal sovereignty, and much more. It feels pretty vulnerable to share. But I share it gladly because I know that my Story is in some way also someone else’s story--even if only a little bit. And by sharing it, someone else will feel a little less alone, maybe a little less crazy, and therefore more able to read their own Story with less judgment, derive more meaning from a similar part of their Story, and integrate that meaning into the Chapter they’re writing right now.
As you’ve probably heard me say before, I think our Story and our unique Purpose in the world are inseparable. So the more we’re willing and able to mine our Stories for meaning and integrate that meaning into the Chapter we’re writing right now, the more we’re able to uncover and pursue our unique purpose in the world. And as Charis and I discussed in the Contentment Conundrum, that’s a recipe for greater personal contentment. It’s also a recipe for a better world.
Alright, let’s paddle out of that eddy and back into the main current of our conversation today.
Freedom from Captivity
At that time in my life I was held captive by the belief that productivity looked a certain way--like being at the office between certain hours of the day and trying to make decisions in a certain way--ironically, I was significantly limiting my productivity. I wasn’t free to explore other ways of being productive.
Here’s maybe the biggest thing I took away from that experience as I view it with the benefit of hindsight: It showed me that it was possible and beneficial to reimagine what productivity can look like. I’ve been evolving my own concept of productivity ever since.
Reimagining Productivity to Renovate my Whole Life
The example I shared pertained to productivity on the professional level. I’ve since expanded my re-imagination of productivity to my whole life--something that’s become especially useful in this most recent chapter of being self-employed and having the deceptively complicated freedom to use all of my time however I’d like to. Some of you can relate to that deceptively complicated freedom--which requires a different kind of self-management than typical employment situations do.
These days, for example, I take a few long walks by myself each week. By giving myself permission to reimagine productivity, I’ve discovered that those walks are a form of life-giving creative solitude that benefits every area of my life. Sometimes, a new work idea comes to mind or I solve a work problem. Sometimes, an idea comes to mind--often almost as if from nowhere--that benefits my family. Recently, I realized that I wanted to write a letter to my younger son about something he’s been struggling with. I realized it with a conviction and a certainty that was unmistakable. So I did write that letter, and the results in terms of every metric I know of as a parent were off-the-charts awesome.
That’s not tooting my own horn, BTW--that’s a testament to the value of creative solitude in my life as a form of productivity and the value of giving ourselves permission to reimagine productivity for ourselves.
Sometimes on my walks, nothing in particular comes to mind, and I just enjoy being outside on a country road, and I’m captivated by nature and the sights, sounds, and smells, and reminded that I’m glad to be alive and how outrageously fortunate I am overall.
That’s one way that I’ve reimagined productivity in the current chapter of my story, and there are others. My clients testify to the life-changing benefits of reimagining productivity for themselves, too. In fact, you can tune into Scott Larson’s story in episode 029, entitled Dragon Slayer: One Man’s Heroic Tale of Life Renovation, to hear how he set himself free from old, worn-out definitions of productivity and renovated his whole life in the process.
What’s Wrong with the Prevailing Definition of Productivity?
My own experience, my clients’ experiences, and observing the world we inhabit--especially the prevalence of anxiety, depression, and burnout--all lead me to believe that many of us have bought into a bad definition of productivity and could benefit from swapping it out for a better one.
Specifically, I think the prevailing definition of productivity is inadequate because it’s too narrow. For example, I think it leads us to see tangible, quantifiable results in business, wealth creation, and amount of stuff acquired as the most valid evidence of a productive and useful life. I think it deifies “hustle” and side gigs, elevating them almost to the status of virtues. The internet generally and Social Media, even more specifically, can amplify that message and, if we’re not intentional about what we consume, lead us to believe that if we’re not 10x-ing our results in every area of our life, then we’re half-assing it.
As I said earlier, none of these things are bad in and of themselves. But we lose our way when we make secondary things primary, when we idolize things that aren’t worthy of worship in and of themselves. And we get confused, depressed, and angry when our idols fail us. When we’ve done our damndest to 10x every area of our lives and still find ourselves wanting more.
BTW, I’ve got a lot of thoughts on what’s leading us to buy into this bad definition of productivity and measures of success that don’t satisfy at all. I plan to unpack some of those thoughts in future episodes. But for now, I want to turn the corner to HOW we go about swapping out our inadequate definition of productivity for a better one.
Because if you’re willing, you really can reimagine what productivity looks like for you and substantially renovate your life for the better.
How My Clients Reimagine Productivity
When I work with a client and suspect that they might benefit from reimagining their definition of productivity, I keep an eye out for evidence of assumptions about productivity and begin to challenge them. Like if a client calls a vacation or going to their son’s baseball game on a workday non-productive--compared to “productive” activities like those that produce income or involve housework--that’s a sign to me that they’re possibly unaware of the presence of narrow and rigid definitions of productivity that could be holding them back from an even fuller and more productive experience of life.
How YOU Can Reimagine Productivity, Starting Today
You and I don’t have the benefit of working together like that via this podcast medium, but you can still begin to reimagine productivity in your life right now, if you’d like to. I’ve been doing this kind of work with a client recently in an organic way throughout our conversations, and along the way she created a process for herself for reimagining productivity. I thought it was so good that, with her permission and with only minor adjustments, I’m going to share it with you, too. Here’s how it works:
First, make a list of as many things as you can think of that you consider “productive.” Don’t censor or judge the list in any way. Just put down everything you can think of that qualifies as “productive” use of time in your mind.
Next, make a list of as many things as you can think of that you consider “non-productive.” In other words, things that you see as a luxury because you don’t really think they contribute to a useful goal or purpose. Don’t censor or judge this list in any way, either.
Then, circle all the things on your non-productive list that you enjoy doing, want to do, or simply want to do more of.
Next, decide which of the items you circled on the “non-productive” list might actually belong on the “productive” list. Challenge the underlying assumptions that landed those items on the “non-productive” list. For example, maybe you put “hanging out with friends” on the non-productive list because in your mind, it doesn’t really contribute to a useful, measurable goal or purpose. Maybe you consider it a luxury rather than a necessity. Challenge that assumption. Does time with your friends energize you and encourage you? Are your friends a source of good counsel and perspective that you might not otherwise have gained? Does time with friends help you show up better as a spouse, partner, parent, or employee? If you can answer yes to one or more of those questions, then it’s a good bet that “hanging out with friends” might just belong on your “productive” list.
If you circled something on your “non-productive” list that you enjoy doing but aren’t sure if it belongs on your “productive” list, ask yourself this: Is it possible that enjoying something is inherently “productive?” Obviously, for me, the answer is a resounding “yes!” because doing what we enjoy has so many collateral benefits in so many other areas of our lives. Remember the old saying, “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?”
You can also do the opposite, of course, if it seems useful--that is, decide which of the items you circled on the “productive” list might actually belong on the “non-productive” list.
Finally, give yourself permission to move just one of the items from your “non-productive” list to the “productive list.” Then, decide specifically when and how you will first risk inserting that thing into your daily life. And do it. If you need an extra kick in the butt to actually do it, ask yourself how you would feel if you died 5 years from today and had never actually done that thing.
Wash, Rinse, Repeat
If you work through this whole process, you will have begun to reimagine productivity in your own life. With new permission and a process like this one, you can continue to reimagine productivity one step at a time, one day at a time, one experiment at time. And over time, you will develop a definition of productivity uniquely suited to you that helps you bring your best to the game of life, enjoy your participation in it more, and leave your best out on the field.
Full Disclosure...
Play, rest, exercising our imagination, following our curiosity, learning, time in nature, exposure to new people, places, and ideas, good meals, conversations, and adventures with friends, solitude, and personal reflection are examples of things that I wholeheartedly believe belong on all of our “productive” lists but often are relegated to the “non-productive” list when push comes to shove. The prevailing definition of productivity reinforces this relegation. But I think they are things that are so crucial to human wellbeing--so crucial to becoming who we were made to be and living the lives we were made to live--that I would almost call them non-negotiable. I stop short of calling them that only because they’re not always options for us given the stresses, strains, surprises, and crises of life. And we can, technically speaking, live without them--or, rather, survive without them. But there’s a big difference between surviving and living, isn’t there?
Landing the Plane
To recap, my proposition is that many of us have bought into an inadequate definition of productivity--usually without even being aware of it. And unless we disabuse ourselves of this definition of productivity and swap it out for a better one, we’ll set ourselves up for a lifetime of unnecessary pressure and stress, a chronic and unnecessary sense of inadequacy, and a long list of regrets when the Grim Reaper comes to collect us.
Let’s set ourselves free to reimagine what real productivity can look like--to evolve our definition of “productive” to include things that simply bring us joy, for example.
After all, remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Your partnership in spreading the message and impact of this podcast is invaluable. If this episode has been helpful to you, would you share it with just one other person who could benefit from it?
Helping my clients reimagine productivity in their lives is a big part of what I do. And I can help you do that. Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think These Will be Helpful, Too
- Ep. 010 | Life is a House With Many Rooms: Would Your House Pass Inspection?
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 025 | The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code
When is the last time a conversation didn’t go well between you and someone especially important to you? Or, when was the last time you avoided a conversation that you knew you needed to have--only to have it turn into a bigger and more intense conversation later when the proverbial shit hit the fan?
If you’re anything like me and most of the other humans inhabiting Planet Earth, you don’t have to go back very far in your mental files to recall that conversation that went badly or the one you avoided that came back around to haunt you.
Some of the deepest regrets people experience in their last days or after losing someone they love come from wishing they’d never said that one thing or had been brave enough to say that other thing.
We ARE going to die. But we’re not dead yet. Let’s take a look at how we can improve our conversations with those we love and cherish most while we still have the chance.
Relationships = Conversations
In my line of work, the relationship between my client and someone else important to them--like a spouse, partner, parent, or child--comes up frequently as a matter of concern, hurt, stress, or disappointment. And more often than not, in those situations the quality of the capitol-C Conversation in their relationship is suffering.
In fact, our most important relationships are like one big capitol-C Conversation made up of thousands and thousands of smaller conversations over the years.
That capitol-C Conversation is of course made up of the words we do say. But it’s also made up of the words we decide NOT to say and the little conversations we avoid because they’re too inconvenient or uncomfortable in the moment. What we say matters, and what we don’t say matters, too. Sometimes, there are way too many words, and sometimes there are way too few.
Making It Personal
Pause for a moment: Look back right now on the capitol-C Conversation you’ve had over the years with someone close to you. What’s it been like, overall? Full of honesty--sometimes to the point of doing harm? Contentious? Riddled with suspicion and one-ups-manship? Maybe it’s been playful and adventurous but sometimes lacked the gravity that it needed in order to navigate challenging seasons. Maybe one person in the relationship always “wins” and the other one always “loses.” Maybe you can honestly say that even though there have been lapses, overall the conversation has been maturing through the years.
Whatever it’s been like, though, I think we can all acknowledge that there is room for growth somewhere. We’re not in pursuit of perfection. But we are in pursuit of even more substance and meaning and joy and satisfaction in the conversations that matter most, in the relationships that matter most. So that when either they or we breathe our last, we can say with conviction that we gave it everything we had.
Barriers to Improving the Conversation
Let’s look first at common barriers to improving the Conversation in the relationships that matter most to us. Then, we’ll explore a few ways to begin improving those conversations right away.
Alright, here are two of the most common barriers to improving the Conversation that I’ve observed:
- Our Own Stuff: Obviously, this is a big one. Maybe we dislike conflict and just expect that any attempt to approve the capital-C Conversation will create conflict. Maybe we don’t assign enough value to what we see, think, want, or need. Or maybe we’re overwhelmed by our sense of how much time and energy it will take to turn things in a better direction. We might doubt that anything we do will make much of a difference, so why try? Past attempts to improve the conversation haven’t yielded much, so what’s the point? Those are just a few of the ways in which our own stuff can stand in the way, but there are many more, and we each have our favorite flavors.
- The Status Quo: We get so accustomed to relating to each other in a certain way that it’s simply easier day-to-day to just stay on the well-worn path that we know--even though that well-worn path often doesn’t lead to good destinations in your relationship. And over time, it becomes a deeply rutted path with steep sides that make getting out of it seem even more challenging. Ladies and gents, the status quo is not benign. The status quo can be a mortal enemy standing between us and the best things in life. We’ll touch on this more when we get to how to improve the conversation.
Introducing The Growth Moment, with Amy K. Musson
But first, I’m really excited to share something with you that has impacted me in a big way because I think it can impact you, too. And that “something” is a new podcast that MY coach, Amy Musson, has just released, called The Growth Moment. Amy is a spectacular coach with a wealth of gifting and experience, and my partnership with her has been transformational.
The Growth Moment is a new way for more of us to benefit from Amy’s gifts and experience because her show literally lets us sit in on coaching conversations that she records with volunteer participants. Amy adds context and commentary to help us understand what’s happening in the coaching conversation and apply what we’re hearing to our own lives.
Recently, I tuned in to The Growth Moment for the first time, and for some serendipitous reason I picked episode 3, Forget the Rules! Do it Your Way, featuring a soon-to-be-college grad named Benen. In just 30 minutes, Amy’s coaching helped Benen become more willing to trust himself and create the first steps in his post-college life.
As I listened, I gradually became aware of a deep sadness within myself. And a few minutes later, I was completely surprised to find myself weeping as I shared with my wife what I’d become aware of in the course of listening to the episode.
Now, I’m not a very emotional guy--not outwardly, at least. And I’ve wept like this maybe twice in the past 15 or so years. So this was NOT normal.
In fact, I had connected with a deep source of grief in my own life that I wasn’t even aware existed or needed to be addressed. This episode brought the grief to light and allowed me to begin processing it. Wow. I’m SO thankful for this new awareness, because where there’s unresolved grief, there’s stuckness that’s getting in the way of becoming the person I’m made to be and living the life I’m made to live.
Now obviously, as they say on commercials for medications and diet plans, “results may vary.” You might not connect with grief like I did. But I’m confident that The Growth Moment will impact you in some valuable way because in a very real sense, other people’s stories are also OUR stories. And Amy is a skilled guide helping her guests and we as the listener have fresh, actionable insights that lead to transformation.
Check out The Growth Moment at thegrowthmoment.com or wherever you like to listen to podcasts. And if it makes a difference in your life, share The Growth Moment with at least one other person.
HOW to Improve the Conversation
Alright, so we’ve touched on two of the most common barriers to improving the capital-C Conversation with the most important people in our lives--our own stuff and the power of the Status Quo.
Now, let’s turn our attention to how to improve the Conversation--things we can do starting today. This won’t be a comprehensive list, but I think the following things are high bang-for-buck and can get us all a lot further down the road.
First, take responsibility for your own stuff. Do your own work. And get help if you need it. We usually lack sufficient objectivity on our own stuff to see it clearly enough to do much about it. A mentor, a therapist, a coach, or a trusted friend can help you get clearer on what’s preventing you from taking the next step in improving the Conversation and find ways to address it.
Next, motivate yourself. This is critical if we’re going to shrug off the smothering influence of the status quo and create a new way forward. Envision the good things on the other side of the awkwardness and challenge of improving the Conversation. Also, allow yourself to feel the pain and regret you’d experience if you didn’t do your part to improve the Conversation when you still had the chance. And revisit the reality and inevitability of your Mortality to give you that last bit of resolve to get moving in a new direction.
Then, have the little conversation now. We can pay a little now--in awkwardness, difficult emotions, etc.--or a lot later. It may feel easier to skip it for now, but that bill will come due eventually, with compounded interest. For example, maybe you feel like your spouse doesn’t communicate family calendar items to you very well. Since you’re working harder now to first take responsibility for your own stuff, you realize you’re feeling increasingly resentful about this because it can create a lot of inconvenience for you. You’re also taking new responsibility for the fact that you’ve never actually brought it up. So, the next time it happens, you break free of the Status Quo and risk having a little conversation about it in the moment instead of letting it slide by unaddressed again.
Lunch & Learn
One way that my wife and I have the little conversations now before they become big, hairy conversations is by having lunch together once a week. Sometimes one of us has something specific to discuss. But often, there’s no specific agenda other than creating a regular time for the little conversations to occur as needed. When we’re in this habit, the quality of our capital-C Conversation is usually much better. When we fall out of this habit, the quality typically declines, slowly but surely.
Experiment with what works for you. But whatever you do, don’t put off having the little conversation now before you’re forced to have the big, hairy conversation later.
Creating a capital-C Conversation with those closest to us that we’ll be proud of in hindsight is the ongoing work of a lifetime. This work compounds over time, so the investment we make in it today matters.
To Sum Up...
Let’s recap the key points we’ve covered.
- We first discussed two of the most common barriers to improving the Conversation, namely, our own stuff and the Status Quo.
- Then, we turned our attention to how to improve the Conversation--things we can do starting today. First, we take responsibility for our own stuff that’s getting in the way of a better conversation. Next, we motivate ourselves so we can shrug off the smothering influence of the status quo and create a new way forward. Then, we resolve to have the little conversation now.
What to Expect
New conversations bring new results. Sometimes, those new results are immediate and amazing. But they’re not always super enjoyable, especially at the beginning, as the other person adjusts to the new conversation, too. That’s ok. Be patient, and extend grace and the benefit of the doubt to yourself and the other person. And sometimes, it’s useful to have a professional help the two of you learn how to have the conversation more productively. That’s a smart move if you’re not finding a good way forward on your own, despite your best efforts.
The goal, BTW, is not to manipulate or change the other person. The goal is to do our part to create a higher-quality, healthier, more honest, and more enjoyable capital-C Conversation overall. That Conversation is made of thousands of other little conversations over the years. And you can begin to improve it today.
So resolve today to give a mighty heave and shrug off the smothering influence of the status quo, choose courage in the face of fear, doubts, and uncertainty, and resolve to do just one thing differently today. What will that one thing be for you?
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
I Can Help
Helping my clients have better conversations with the most important people in their lives is a big part of what I do. I can help you do that. Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Amy K. Musson
Email | Facebook | LinkedIn | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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If You Liked This Episode, I Think These Will be Helpful, Too
- Ep. 001 | You're Dying: How to Make the Most of It
- Ep. 004 | Do It Now Before It's Too Late: A Raw and Unfiltered Conversation With Husband, Father, Chef, and Cancer Warrior, Patrick Ayres
- Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 027 | Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate: A Path to Transformation
Are you healthy? How do you know?
In this episode, my guest Penney Megginson helps us redefine health and wholeness--from the inside out.
Introducing Penney Megginson
I met Penney when she invited me to be on her podcast, Penney for Your Thoughts, a show about how your thoughts and mindset affect your health, happiness, and performance. Preliminary conversations and my own cyber-sleuthing quickly piqued my curiosity about Penney's story. It was clear that an unwelcome and unexpected encounter with Mortality had profoundly altered her relationship to health, happiness, and performance. That in fact it had profoundly altered her relationship to Life itself. And I wanted to know more.
So, I was thrilled when Penney accepted my invitation to be a guest on this show. Her story gives us insight into how we can be more aware, proactive, and meaningfully involved in the lives of those we love today--before it's too late. Penney's story also shows just how powerfully our Stories influence the way we live out our purpose in the world. In fact, as I've said many times before, I believe that our Stories and our unique purpose in the world are inseparable.
Penney is an American living in Switzerland with her husband and two kids. Early in career, she focused on exercise physiology, but then began adding other specialties to her toolbag to help others achieve their peak mind and body performance--including physiotherapy, pilates, yoga, integrative nutrition health coaching, EFT, and NLP. Her encounter with Mortality further focused and accelerated her development. And this intense evolutionary energy has made her an impressively well-rounded practitioner supporting whole-person health and wellness for her clients. Today, her Story, her innate gifting, and her accumulated expertise have converged to produce the Megginson Method, a mind-training system designed to help you overcome the core reasons behind your bad habits, cravings, and self-sabotaging behaviour.
Two Chapters, One Story
We built our conversation on the scaffolding of two statements I found in Penney’s bio online, each of which served as entry points into pivotal moments in her Story. The first statement was this:
“That was the moment that I realised that it isn’t enough to just be content. It’s really about a balance of your inner state and physical well-being.”
I asked Penney to share what was going on in her life that led to that moment. And Penney shared the story of her dad’s untimely death from a heart attack--doubly sad because he died just before the birth of Penney’s first child. Key bits of this part of the conversation include:
- Penney’s awareness that she “should” (her word) have done more to help her dad pursue better health. For a time it was a genuine regret.
- We chewed on what she might have done differently and what the rest of us can do today who realize that either we or someone we love could benefit from improving our health.
- This experience greatly expanded Penney’s definition of “health” and led her to begin working from the inside-out with clients.
- Penney riffed on the nature of “stuckness” and how the key is first to take full responsibility for it and for ourselves. (I didn’t plan for all of these recent episodes to hit on the stuckness idea this much, I swear! But I’m trusting that there’s a good purpose behind it.)
- We compared the American and European mindsets about “exercise”--acknowledging that Europeans embrace more of a “culture of movement” while Americans “work out.” Americans get in the car to sit in traffic on the way to the gym, where we’ll run on a treadmill. Europeans find that ironic and would rather walk into town or go for a bike ride. The lines are much blurrier for Europeans between exercise and the rest of life because movement is simply more a part of their lives. I found this part especially interesting and a good wake-up call for we Americans--to slow our roll, so to speak, and break down the rigid walls between “exercise” and the rest of life.
- Whatever you're wanting from the other person in a relationship, give it to them 10x, because whatever you're giving to them is going to bounce back to you.
- Often, we throw ourselves into exercise in an attempt to avoid being alone with our thoughts and reflecting on how we’re really doing.
That discussion gobbled up most of the conversation. But we hit on the second statement from her bio briefly before landing the plane:
“It was then that I finally understood why so many people never achieve their goals and simply settle.”
Penney explained that in the midst of training hard for a big ski touring race, she tore her ACL one day while skiing. She was so discouraged, and was tempted to throw in the towel. But she rallied, rehabbed the knee, and came back to compete in the race a couple years later. Key bits of this part of the conversation include:
- Deeper empathy gained for her clients, who often come to her feeling desperate and somewhat hopeless that they’ll be able to make the changes that they want and need to make. She knows better now how big of an “ask” it can be of people who have a big health hill to climb.
- The power of choice in those moments of discouragement and defeat.
- The power of a compelling “why” to find the will to move forward.
- This part of her story further focused and fueled the way she lives out her purpose in the world today.
- Today, Penney focuses less on “fitness” and much more on whole health and wellness with her clients--creating plans specific to each person’s needs and objectives and built to be do-able and sustainable.
What About You?
The good news about other people's stories it that the same story can mean something different to each person that hears it. Maybe Penney's story helped you gain a little bit different perspective on your own health and wellness journey. Maybe it motivated you to get even more meaningfully involved in the life of someone you love before it's too late. Maybe, it even helped you see how your own Story is pointing you to your unique purpose in the world. Any of those takeaways would be be a huge win.
No matter what insights you had, though, they'll never fulfill their potential to create transformation in your life if you don't apply Action to them. What can you do today to insure that you're not the guy or gal who has an inspirational moment...only to realize a few weeks from now that that's ALL it was? All it takes is the commitment to do ONE THING TODAY. Don't wait to take that first step. Call the person who came to mind. Contact Penney to start upgrading your own mindset to achieve a greater level of whole-person health and wellness. Instead of banging out a few more emails, close the laptop and go for a walk with your significant other. Whatever you do, don't do nothing. Your life and the lives of those you love are simply too valuable and too important. By doing just one thing today, you become a little bit more of the person you were made to be and get a little closer to living the life you were uniquely made to live.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you're not dead yet. So get after it!
Let’s Connect
If this episode helped you, I'd love to know. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.
Connect with Penney
Email | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Website
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
- Ep. 027 | Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate: A Path to Transformation
- Ep. 028 | Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate (Part 2): The 5 Ingredients in the Recipe for Using Stuckness to Our Benefit, with Chad James
- Ep. 029 | Dragon Slayer: One Man's Tale of Heroic Life Renovation
Scaly, fire-breathing dragons don’t roam the earth anymore. (Wait, did they ever? I, for one, like to think that maybe, just maybe, they did.) But dragons tromp around in our lives nevertheless. These dragons are harder to see but arguably just as deadly.
In this episode, Scott Larson shares how he slayed a dragon he discovered lurking in his own life, stealthily and with life-suppressing intent. The whole tale looks commonplace enough from the outside, but Scott knows what it really took to deal the death blow to his personal dragon.
Few things instruct and inspire us as well as another person’s Story. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then one person’s Story might be worth a million. So I was thrilled when Scott agreed to share an excerpt from his Story for our benefit. From Scott’s story, we learn how to slay our own dragons.
How This Episode Came to Be
Scott and I recently concluded a six-month coaching partnership. As our partnership progressed, it began to dawn on me that Scott’s Story exemplifies literally all of the concepts that I’ve shared in the short-form topical episodes of this podcast: especially becoming the boss of your fear, harnessing discomfort to get where you want to go, daring to dream again, moving from the cabin to the cockpit, hearing and heeding your Inner Voice, the contentment conundrum, and breaking the stuckness stalemate.
And it also dawned on me that in addition to hearing me talk about those concepts and how they’ve worked in my life, it might be good to hear how they’ve played out in someone else’s life--and in Scott’s case, over a really short period of time, with transformational effect. Which is less of a testament to my effectiveness as a coach and more of a testament to the power of the concepts themselves when applied with the kind of honest self-examination and Courage that Scott has consistently employed.
Meet Scott Larson
Scott is a devoted husband and father, gifted marketing professional, and avid outdoorsman. He, his wife, and their two kids live here in Steamboat Springs--we’re neighbors, in fact--and it’s a pleasure to present a chapter from Scott’s Story to help you “see” even more clearly what I’ve been attempting to say all along.
A Dream Realized...A Dream Jeopardized
Scott and his family arrived in Steamboat in February 2020--chasing a dream of life in a small mountain town with the great outdoors at their doorstep. A dream that put quality of life above climbing the corporate ladder in a city they had no interest of living in. Dream realized! Sweet!
Then, just a few months after arriving, Scott lost his job. Oh, and a pandemic was beginning to wreak havoc around the globe. Crap.
Suddenly, the Steamboat Dream was jeopardized.
Now Scott began to consider that maybe he was incapable as a man, husband, father, and professional. This was their fourth move in 5 years for work, yet another in a pattern of jobs gained and jobs lost or left. Was there something more deeply wrong with him as a person? What a tough thing to begin wondering about yourself. What a heavy accusation to level at yourself!
Insight + Action = Transformation
It was about that time that Scott and I began our coaching partnership to help him navigate this new and unwelcome transition. In the full episode, Scott recounts how new insights led to new actions that ultimately led to transformation. Two assessments, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) and the Highlands Ability Battery (HAB) “put a vocabulary to the things that I already knew, but it helped to solidify and synthesize it for me so it was something I could speak to and relate to more readily. It brought it more to the forefront of my thinking as well.”
A values exercise also helped him evaluate how well his actual life aligned with his most deeply-held values. And reconsideration of how he defines success led to a major overhaul of his definition of success. Tune into the full episode to hear more.
Creating an Owner’s Manual
As the coaching partnership progressed, Scott began assembling a personal owner’s manual. A guide to the kind of human he is, his ideal operating conditions, and his adverse operating conditions. Three basic categories of content were populated: nature, nurture, and now.
“Nature” were Scott’s default settings, and MBTI and HAB were the two primary tools used to populate that category. “Nurture” were those things Scott acquired along the way in life, intentionally or otherwise--like after-market modifications. The most important of those were acquired beliefs, like the definition of success that he decided to upgrade upon realizing that it wasn’t actually his definition of success. And finally the “Now” category: values, interests, opportunities, obligations, etc. that became key determinants in how he applies Nature and Nurture.
Inner Voice + Courage = Action
Then, new and improved owner’s manual in hand, Scott was faced with a moment of truth: a job offer...in a situation similar to his past gigs. But the owner’s manual wasn’t enough on its own. On the one hand, it still felt like maybe the only responsible thing to do was take the job. But he paused to tune into his inner voice with new focus and resolve to heed what he heard. And the message he heard was clear. But Courage was needed to act on what he heard, so Scott chose Courage in that moment, bet on himself, and didn’t take the job.
As Scott discovered, Courage isn’t something that you have to go out and find. It’s something you choose. It’s simple on one level. But it definitely isn’t easy. And Courage is the secret sauce in Scott’s whole story.
“I bet on myself, and I didn’t take the job.”
This is the pivotal moment in this whole story--the moment of crisis, the moment of resolute action in a new direction. If this was a fairy tale, this would be the moment when the hero slays the dragon. It’s that big a deal.
It’s THE moment when Scott moved from drafting an outline for a new chapter in his story and actually began to write it. This is THE moment when Scott went from considering taking a new path and actually began to walk down that new path. This is THE moment when Scott placed one of the best bets that any of us can ever make by betting on himself. It’s the moment when Scott quit just cutting bait and actually started fishing.
What’s maybe even more significant about this moment, though, is that it was not just one big step down a new path for Scott, it was an evolutionary leap in life overall. Scott created within himself an exponentially greater capacity for change and growth and learning in this moment. Many moments and much toil and trepidation led up to this moment. Then Scott converted all of many difficult moments into powerful, positive forward momentum.
This is the way, folks--not just for Scott, but for all of us. Insight + Action = Transformation, and Courage is the activating agent.
What Now?
Having slayed a personal dragon and begun to travel down a new path, Scott’s next challenge was to figure out what to do professionally if he wasn’t going to return to the path he’d been on before. The answers weren’t automatic, but Scott was now free to pursue them with new clarity about the kind of human he is, his ideal operating conditions, his adverse operating conditions, his true definition of success, and his most deeply-held values. Eventually, Scott decided to hang his shingle as an independent marketing consultant. And it wasn’t long after that that he secured his first client--a client that he still partners with today.
Other, Less-Obvious But Incredibly Powerful Forces at Work
Scott and I paused to acknowledge several other things that helped Scott successfully slay a personal dragon to access the path marked “Scott Larson’s Way.”
- Scott achieved a new degree of self-permission--that privilege of adulthood that many of us have a hard time grasping. When he began to give himself more permission to look at things his own way and do what he wanted to do, he started becoming even more of the man he’s made to be and living the life that he’s uniquely made to live more fully. I think more of us doing that is a very good thing--not only for our own personal enjoyment, fulfillment, and productivity, but also because a more fulfilled Scott, for example, leads to a happier husband, an even more engaged and thoughtful Dad, a more active member of the community
- Scott also risked a new level of self-trust--a new willingness to tune into his inner voice, hear and heed what it whispered to him about the truth of his existence, and bet on himself.
- And Scott assumed even more self-responsibility--putting himself more firmly in the driver’s seat of his life than ever before and accepting all of the consequences.
Tune in for the Full Effect
These shownotes can’t do justice to the whole conversation and the value of Scott’s story to all of us. I hope you’ll tune in to the full episode for the full effect!
Also, as I mentioned at the beginning, Scott’s story exemplifies literally all of the concepts I’ve shared in the short-form topical episodes of this podcast.
Tune in to those episodes for a deeper dive:
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
- Ep. 014 | Dare to Dream Again: The Antidote to a Mediocre Life
- Ep. 016 | The Question that Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 017 | Busting the “Balance” Myth: A Better Way
- Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing and Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
- Ep. 024 | My Top 5 Takeaways from 2020: How Conversations with My Guests Changes Me
- Ep. 027 | Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate: A Path to Transformation
- Ep. 028 | Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate (Part 2): The 5 Ingredients in the Recipe for Using Stuckness to Our Benefit, with Chad James
Bringing It Home
What part of Scott’s story could you identify with most? What part of Scott’s story inspired you the most or provoked a bit of envy? Maybe Scott’s story has stirred within you fresh resolve to take action to improve your situation in some way or pursue a dream that you’ve pushed aside for too long. Courage is the secret sauce. Courage is the catalyst that moves you from Insight to Action so you can achieve Transformation. And Courage isn’t “out there” waiting for you to find it. It’s right here, right now--waiting for you to CHOOSE it.
And if you need a little extra nudge, fill your sails with the pressure of your Mortality. You really ARE going to die, and there’s no way of knowing when that day will come. But if you’re waiting for tomorrow to get moving, ladies and gents, it’s time to get honest and acknowledge that the elusive “tomorrow” never comes. There is only “today.” Take one NEW step TODAY and become even more of the person you were made to be and live even more of the life you were made to live--with guts, gusto, and abandon.
Let’s Connect
I hope today’s episode has been helpful and enlightening! It’d be a pleasure to connect with you. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me. Go here to learn about Graveyard Group masterminds----where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review
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This episode is a first for this podcast--a “part two” continuation of a previous episode. It features a fellow coach and my good friend, Chad James, and together we unpack the 5 ingredients in the recipe for using stuckness to our benefit that I shared in Ep. 027, Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate: A Path to Transformation.
When I released that episode, I was vaguely aware that it felt unfinished somehow, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. Then I got unsolicited feedback from my wife and Chad that although they really liked the episode, it felt unfinished to them, too. And Chad mentioned that the five basic ingredients in the recipe for using stuckness to our benefit was the part he wanted to hear more about.
That connected the dots for me on what felt unfinished and what needed to be done about it. And since I’ve been wanting to have Chad on the podcast for a while anyway, I decided to strike while the iron was hot, as it were, and kill two birds with one stone by asking Chad to join me to help land this plane that was left circling the airfield.
If you haven’t already tuned in to Ep. 027, you can still listen to this one first because I summarize the big idea from that episode at the beginning of this one. But for full benefit, I do recommend listening to Ep. 027, too. It’s short and easy to digest at just 15 mins--and in it I pull back the curtain on one of my own recent episodes of stuckness on the way to making the point.
Introducing Chad James
Chad James is a veteran business coach with 20+ years of experience. His own experience in business and his intuitive gifting for discerning core issues, coupled with empathy, compassion,and a vast resource of tools and strategies for optimizing business and life, make Chad a highly-sought-after, highly-trusted, and valuable partner for “succeeding faster, living better, and creating the life you’ve always imagined.” He’s led an amazingly diverse and adventurous life, and he’s often picking up some new pursuit for the sake of stretching and challenging himself and embracing the “beginner’s mind” again. He has a huge heart. He brings all of who he is to his work as a coach.
Chad’s also a good friend of mine and a mentor in life and business, too. In fact, he was catalytic in my development of The Graveyard Group masterminds--of which he is a founding member--and has helped me climb numerous professional learning curves more quickly than I would have on my own. The original concept out of which I developed this 2-part podcast series, “If you’re stuck, get moving,” was formulated in preparation for an event at which Chad invited me to speak. To say that he’s been influential in my life would be a huge understatement.
Something New from Chad--and a Special Deal for You
Chad has just launched a brand new project that I’m really excited about and I hope you’ll check out, called Mavericks--a membership-based group coaching experience that makes Chad’s wealth of wisdom, tools, and strategies available to many more than ever before, in the context of a group of others playing full-out in the game of life.
I’m pumped to share that Chad’s offering Andrew Petty is Dying listeners 25% off of their first-month’s membership. Just visit carrynobrand.com, and enter the code “Andrew” at checkout. Membership is super reasonably priced at less than $100 a month, and it gives you exclusive access to Chad and his treasure trove of resources.
First, a Refresher: Ep. 027 Summary
If you haven’t yet tuned into part 1 of this 2-part series on breaking the stuckness stalemate, go here to tune in or read the shownotes, or read this brief summary of the main points, below:
The Big Idea: If you’re stuck, get moving.
Even more specifically, get moving with and through the stuckness.
Other Important Stuff Supporting the Big Idea
Stuck is never fun--in fact, it can actually be really painful--but stuckness is a normal and necessary part of life as a human on planet Earth. It alerts us to the fact that there’s a gap between where we are and where we want to be. And something unconscious and unknown is in our way. Stuckness is a chance to make the unconscious conscious--to generate fresh insight to which we can then apply action and achieve some sort of transformation.
Because Insight + Action = Transformation.
The stuckness is always there for a reason.
With practice, we can learn to see the stuckness as an indicator that we’re on the brink of a new opportunity to grow and evolve. But moving through stuckness to the good stuff beyond is less like the caterpillar emerging from a caterpillar than it is like a snake shedding its skin. It takes effort and intention and time--and it’s uncomfortable. The accompanying psychological pain of stuckness is essential, though. Our desire for relief from it motivates us to do the work to get unstuck. The discomfort is necessary to produce the insights that lead to action that result in some kind of transformation.
Stuckness is a guide appointed by our hearts and minds to show us the way to something even better.
We have choices, of course, when stuckness shows up. Broadly speaking, we can retreat from it, stall out in the face of it, or advance through it. Neither retreating nor stalling out will produce a good result. Only advancing through it will.
Here are five basic ingredients in the recipe for using stuckness to our benefit:
- Become familiar with your own tell-tale signs of stuckness. In my experience, some of the typical signs include irritability, distractedness, restless energy, a lack of focus, and loss of a sense of humor.
- Acknowledge that you’re stuck, and invite the stuckness to teach you. This acceptance will create the openness of heart and mind that allows the unconscious to be made conscious. Don’t fight it or try to muscle your way past it. Resistance or avoidance or sheer force of will makes the stuckness an enemy rather than a useful mentor.
- Take 100% responsibility for your stuckness. It’s your problem--no one else’s. Request help from others--friends, experts, a therapist, whomever or whatever seems appropriate to the situation--but retain full ownership of the problem and the solution.
- Tap into the negative energy--frustration, anger, etc.--to fuel positive forward movement through the stuckness.
- Finally, get moving--with and through the stuckness.
So, if you’re stuck, get moving. Even more specifically, get moving through the stuckness so it can teach us what it’s there for.
The more skillful we become at leveraging life’s many encounters with stuckness, the more we will milk out of this life, the more we will bring into it for our own fulfillment and others’ benefit, and the fewer deathbed regrets we’ll have.
Now, Part 2!
Now, without further ado, let’s jump into the meat of this episode--part 2 of Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate: The 5 Ingredients in the Recipe for Using Stuckness to Our Benefit, with Chad James! Since this part 2 episode focuses on unpacking the 5 ingredients in much greater depth and detail, I’ll organize what follows under subheadings for each ingredient. I won’t come close to capturing all of the great stuff, so tune in to the full episode for more.
Ingredient 1: Get Acquainted With It
Become familiar with the tell-tale signs of stuckness. In my experience, some of the typical signs include irritability, distractedness, restless energy, a lack of focus, and loss of a sense of humor. Some key points from this part of the discussion:
- It’s important to recognize the primary emotion you’re experiencing.
- Sometimes, somatic (physical) indicators appear first in times of mental (psychological) stuckness--even before we’re aware of the specific emotion. So training ourselves to become more aware of our specific “psychosomatic” early warning signs is an important part of using stuckness to our benefit. For Chad, common psychosomatic indicators are sensations in the center of his chest and tightness in his neck.
- This helps us avoid the instinctive “fight or flight” response to discomfort and unpleasant emotions--and move with and through the stuckness instead.
- We brought Steven Pressfield’s concept of Resistance--a form of stuckness--into the conversation, from his fantastic book, The War of Art. (To get the essence of this Resistance idea (and a whole lot more) w/out first reading the whole book, tune into Tim Ferriss’ recent interview with Steven Pressfield.) Chad had this to say, “I think that one of the very important concepts in taking things to the next level is understanding--not just understanding but accepting and maybe even celebrating--that Resistance is part of that journey. So as we see that Resistance, that could be an exciting moment, it could be an awesome moment, it could be an area where we go, "Oh wait, something cool's about to happen!" When we change our relationship with Stuckness / Resistance, we can learn the lesson it’s there to teach us and achieve the transformation available on the other side.
- The hard way--through the stuckness, for example--is often the best way.
- And more...
Ingredient 2: Acknowledge It
Acknowledge that you’re stuck, and invite the stuckness to teach you. This acceptance will create the openness of heart and mind that allows the unconscious to be made conscious. Don’t fight it or try to muscle your way past it. Resistance or avoidance or sheer force of will makes the stuckness an enemy rather than a useful mentor. Some key points from this part of the discussion:
- “The faster we energetically acknowledge that something is wrong...the faster we can begin to take action toward fixing it. And often that action...just has to do with moving toward it.” -Chad
- If I fail to acknowledge it, I start living my life in avoidance of it. So it’s still calling the shots. It’s better to just acknowledge it, deal with it, and move on.
Ingredient 3: Own It
Take 100% responsibility for your stuckness. It’s your problem--no one else’s. Request help from others--friends, experts, a therapist, whomever or whatever seems appropriate to the situation--but retain full ownership of the problem and the solution. Some key points from this part of the discussion:
- Nobody’s coming to save you--as Chad’s Air Force Colonel dad reminded him as a kid. As adults, it’s our job to self-rescue. If we expect or demand that others will fix our stuckness, we’ll get into victim territory and create unnecessary collateral damage. So I hear...not that I have any recent personal experience with this…
- Take responsibility first. Then enroll others to help you.
- Your spouse / significant other is not your therapist.
Ingredient 4: Harness It
Tap into the negative energy--frustration, anger, etc.--to fuel positive forward movement through the stuckness. Some key points from this part of the discussion:
- “Be with” the discomfort of stuckness.
- If we’re constantly fighting it, we can’t act our way out of it.
- If we didn't have some of the pain associated with these moments of stuckness, we'd lack the motivation to grow. Cognitive dissonance pulls us forward.
- Slow down. If we're inclined to believe that we can't slow down for an episode of stuckness, then we’re going to revisit it again later. The stuckness will recur and build until you HAVE to pay attention to it--often at a much higher cost.
- If we slow down, be with it, and rely on the fact that we've been here before--then we tend to put ourselves in a better place for action.
- And a plethora (cue The Three Amigos clip…) of metaphors to help us “see” what we’re saying--from dirtbike racing to soccer and mountain biking and flying a plane. As in these things, so in life!
Ingredient 5: Take Action
Finally, get moving--with and through the stuckness. Some key points from this part of the discussion:
- If nothing else, simply be sure to take some action, to move in some way. If you’re stuck, get moving.
- Good action is never wishing the problem would go away. Good action starts from the point of stuckness and moves forward from there.
- Action with intention toward our stuckness always solves our problem better.
- It’s important to act on the insights we gain from slowing down to learn what the stuckness is there for. Take action on what you learn so the insight can produce transformation. Insight + Action = Transformation.
- There are things we simply can’t know without taking action.
- You can’t pre-solve stuckness. You can’t think your way out of stuckness. You have to act your way out of stuckness.
That’s It In a Nutshell. Now It’s Your Turn.
With Chad’s help and over two episodes, I’ve done what I can to help us understand stuckness, upgrade our relationship with it, and use it to our benefit. Now it’s your turn. What are one or two insights you’ve gained on this topic than you can put to work in your own life right now?
Break the Stuckness Stalemate in Your Own Life
I hope this episode has helped you evolve your relationship with stuckness--our challenging but normal and necessary companion in life. A big part of what I do as a coach is help others move through their stuckness to achieve the transformation that’s available on the other side. I can help YOU do that. Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me. Go here to learn about Graveyard Group masterminds----where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review!
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
Resources mentioned in this episode:
- The War of Art (Steven Pressfield). To get the essence of the Resistance idea discussed in this episode (and a whole lot more good stuff from Steven Pressfield) w/out first reading the whole book, tune into Tim Ferriss’ recent interview with Steven Pressfield.
- The Obstacle is the Way (Ryan Holiday)
Connect with Chad
Email | Website | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn
I hope you’ll check out Mavericks, Chad’s new group coaching program! He’s offering all APiD listeners 25% off of your first month’s membership--already a great deal at less than $100/month. Go here to learn more and join, and enter code “Andrew” at checkout.
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 017 | Busting the "Balance" Myth: A Better Way
- Ep. 018 | Life's 3 Big Questions: A Conversation with the Coroner
- Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
- Ep. 021 | Sometimes, the Grass IS Greener: How a Familiar Bit of Conventional Wisdom Could be Holding You Back from the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
See you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying!
Have you ever felt stuck? Maddeningly and totally stuck?
If you’re human, then the answer is 100% “yes.”
In this episode, we tackle stuckness--what it is and what to do about it. Plus, the surprising up-side of stuckness. Stories make it easier to “see” what someone is saying, so I share a snapshot from my own story to illustrate the point--a recent episode of stuckness that I’m just now emerging from. Here goes...
Sulking in the Snow
I’m sitting in my truck at a little historic landmark with a natural mineral spring and a small stone monument tucked back off of an otherwise unremarkable stretch of road parallel to the main street in Steamboat Springs, CO. It’s snowing hard--which is a welcome change in an otherwise dismally dry winter, a dry winter that’s followed another summer of drought and raging wildfires.
I love the elements. I think partly because the elements create an involuntary pattern interrupt in our lives. We don’t get to call the shots with Nature, and when it decides to change things up, we are all compelled to adjust--whether we like it or not. And for me, involuntary pattern interrupts can be a welcome off-ramp from my head--where negative feedback loops can start small but build on themselves until they’re deafening. They provide a welcome diversion when the mental static is beginning to put me in a tailspin. And when I’m feeling trapped in my head, buffeted by intangible forces, being out in the elements--surrounded by the tangible forces of wind and water and snow--is a refreshing, grounding, invigorating change of pace.
I’m sitting here now because my wife’s chewing was annoying me. Super mature of me, I know.I was sitting on the couch in our home office. She was sitting at the desk--chewing something and banging away productively and energetically at her work. She was in the zone. Man, I love that feeling. And the problem was that she seemed to have it, and at that same moment, I most definitely did not. And instead of being glad for her, I was irritated and envious. That’s when I knew I had a problem. My internal jackassery certainly wasn’t her problem.
I was stuck.
Early Warning Signs
So that was Monday afternoon. I’d begun to sense earlier in the day that “stuckness”--a not-scientific but broadly useful term--was lurking at the door of my heart and mind. I lacked focus about how to use my time and was beginning to feel restless and increasingly agitated for no clear reason. A little anxious as I saw mental and emotional storm clouds gathering. Those are usually early-warning signs. But Mondays can be like that for me for some reason. Maybe I was just having one of those Mondays.
Giving My Horse Its Head
So, I’d given my horse its head, so to speak. Apologies in advance to all you horse experts out there if I’m butchering this saying. I let my natural energy determine what I did the first part of the day--which in this case meant a long walk on my favorite country road, then some time reading a book that called to me from my bookshelf. A book that I started once a bunch of years ago but put down unfinished for some reason. Books are like that for me sometimes: They sit patiently and inconspicuously on the shelf for months and years, then one day they catch my eye in a way that tells me it’s time to pick it up again. I’m not sure what that’s about, but most of the time it ends up being just the right read at just the right time. So I’ve learned to trust it. Does that ever happen to you?
I’ve learned that when I sense stuckness creeping up, giving my horse its head is a useful first response. Rather than buckling down, dialing in, trying to get super “productive” according to the conventional definition of productivity, I loosen my grip and tap into other, less-celebrated forms of productivity--like solitude and following my curiosity. Hence the walk and picking up that book again.
The Last Straw
Then I had a couple of coaching sessions on the calendar--one with a client and another with a colleague with whom I exchange peer coaching. She’s an amazing coach with a lot of natural gifting and almost two decades of experience. It was my turn to coach her. And I struggled. I was in my head and trying to do a good job--which you might think would produce high-quality coaching. It most certainly does not. And it most certainly did not.
When I got off that call, my stuckness was in full force. I felt incompetent, inadequate, and uncertain. And that led to the moment on the couch when I realized I had a problem and needed to get moving before I said something misguided and misplaced to my wife and caused unnecessary collateral damage.
Which led me to that little historic landmark that Monday afternoon--sitting in my truck as the snow fell.
The Big Idea
I didn’t yet understand what the stuckness was about or where it was coming from, but I did know this--and it’s what I want to share with you today, too:
If you’re stuck, get moving.
Even more specifically, get moving with and through the stuckness.
I was stuck--and on the verge of being an unreasonable jerk to my wife and anyone else I came into contact with--so I got moving.
Making It Personal
When have YOU felt stuck? Maybe it was for a day or two. Or maybe it was for a year or more. Maybe you feel stuck right now, as you listen to this episode. What patterns do you see when you reflect on when and how you most often get stuck?
For extra credit and additional insights, tune in to episode 005, How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto, to hear about an especially long and painful period of stuckness in my life, how I got unstuck, the amazing new chapter that opened up for me and my family past the stuckness, and what I learned from the experience.
Normal and Necessary
It’s never fun--in fact, it can actually be really painful--but stuckness is a normal and necessary part of life as a human on planet Earth. It alerts us to the fact that there’s a gap between where we are and where we want to be. And something unconscious and unknown is in our way. Stuckness is a chance to make the unconscious conscious--to generate fresh insight to which we can then apply action and achieve some sort of transformation.
Because Insight + Action = Transformation.
The stuckness is always there for a reason.
Snake vs. Caterpillar
With practice, we can learn to see the stuckness as an indicator that we’re on the brink of a new opportunity to grow and evolve. But moving through stuckness to the good stuff beyond is less like the caterpillar emerging from a cocoon than it is like a snake shedding its skin. It takes effort and intention and time--and it’s uncomfortable. The accompanying psychological pain of stuckness is essential, though. Our desire for relief from it motivates us to do the work to get unstuck.
Stuckness is What It’s All About (In a Sense)
BTW, if you’re new to Andrew Petty is Dying, there’s a sense in which this podcast is largely about how to recognize and move through the inevitable encounters with stuckness to the good stuff that awaits beyond--with Mortality as our most powerful motivating force.
Back to the Story...
In my case, in this recent round of stuckness, my first movement was away from the house and to the local historical landmark on that Monday afternoon, where I began to write--to document what I was experiencing in an effort to understand its origins and begin finding my way forward through it. As I wrote, it dawned on me that I was in the midst of a real-world case study on stuckness, unfolding in real-time, and it could be a good way to illustrate the value of “if you’re stuck, get moving.”
Well alright, I thought, there’s one thing useful about this stuckness already.
It also dawned on me that it was yet another chance to practice what I preach, so to speak--maybe most specifically in episode 012, How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life--where the big idea is “If you’re uncomfortable, good; get used to it.”
Put your money where your mouth is, Petty.
We Interrupt This Program for An Exciting Offer...
Speaking of money and mouths...Here’s a chance to put YOUR money where MY mouth is. Which kind of makes sense but mostly doesn’t--but I couldn’t resist the symmetry in the transition. It certainly doesn’t mean that I want you to put money in my mouth. Here’s what it does mean, though...
You may already have heard me speak highly of Ozan Varol and his #1 best-selling book, Think Like a Rocket Scientist. I appreciated his book so much that I signed up for Ozan’s free Weekly Contrarian email newsletter, then joined his super-affordable online Inner Circle community to deepen and operationalize my learning with others so-inclined and Ozan’s input. Then, I participated in the Moonshot Academy--an intensive weekend workshop with almost 20 other people and led by Ozan and his wife, Kathy, to refine and launch our individual “moonshots.” Those experiences and getting to know Ozan through separate conversations have persuaded me that Ozan is the real deal--someone with a lot to offer the world today and a genuine humility to boot. RARE combo. In my opinion, he’s at least a “sage for this Age.” And time will tell if he endures as a “sage for the Ages.”
Ozan has helped me learn to hold “conventional wisdom” with open hands rather than a death grip, so to speak, and more consistently challenge assumptions. And I think we need challenges to conventional wisdom and prevailing assumptions more than ever right now.
Ozan has been called a “true original” by Adam Grant and dubbed a “superhero” by Dan Pink. His work has been described as “must read” by Susan Cain and featured in the Wall Street Journal, Time, BBC, CNN, Washington Post, and more.
Recently, because I want everyone to read it, I asked Ozan what he would be willing to offer Andrew Petty is Dying listeners as an incentive to buy his book. And I’m excited to share that if you buy any version of Think Like a Rocket Scientist--audio, e-book, hardcover, etc.--Ozan will give you FREE access to a video treasure chest that includes a behind-the-scenes look at his productivity system and a pack of 10, three-minute, bite-sized videos with actionable insights from Think Like a Rocket Scientist that you can implement right away, including:
- The single principle Elon Musk used to revolutionize the aerospace industry (and how you can use the same principle to revolutionize your life)
- What you should do first in tackling an audacious goal (and what you should NEVER do when tackling an audacious goal)
- Ozan’s two-step process for squashing fear of uncertainty and failure before it stops him from taking action
- What Einstein’s biggest blunder can teach you about how to launch your next project
- Why doing “nothing” is more valuable than you think
It’s super simple to get this free material. Visit ozanvarol.com/andrewpettycoach/, buy Think Like a Rocket Scientist from your seller of choice using one of the links provided, and follow the easy instructions for providing proof of purchase.
Ozan didn’t request this promo, BTW, and I’m not getting compensated for it, either--other than with the pleasure of knowing that you have access to Ozan’s excellent work.
Let me know if you take Ozan up on this! Love to hear how the book lands for you and what you get from the bonus material.
Now, as they used to say back in the day, back to the programming already in progress…
The Stuckness Stalemate is Broken
As the week progressed, I kept one eye on the normal duties with family and clients and one eye on the stuckness. But I set learning the lesson of the stuckness as the biggest win for the week. And I prioritized walks--periods of physical movement that for me are reliable ways to generate mental and emotional movement. I cataloged the unconscious things that began to become conscious--in this case, an accumulated mix of personal and professional stuff that needed sorting. I processed what I was uncovering for a bit with my Graveyard Group guys on Thursday morning--which led to an impromptu lunchtime conversation with my wife, Charis, about what I was beginning to see more clearly. This was the first conversation I’d had with her about what was going on. She knew I was stuck because a) it was obvious--I was distant and heavy and irritable--and 2) I told her as much Monday evening--and let her know that I was working on it.
And in that lunchtime conversation, my energy began to shift from reflection to action as clarity about the nature of the stuckness--new insights--illuminated the next steps on the path ahead. This marked the turning point in this episode of stuckness. My wife seems to be a common denominator in those turning points, doesn’t she?!
As I processed out loud with Charis, she pointed out again--just like she had in the aftermath of my first-ever personal retreat just a month earlier--that the mess was necessary to produce the insights that lead to action that result in some kind of transformation. This is part of what we talked about when Charis joined me for ep. 025, The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code.
Stuckness, my friends--though unpleasant, even painful, and sometimes prolonged--is a guide appointed by our hearts and minds to show us the way something even better.
The 5-Part Recipe for “Unstuck Stew”
As we land this plane, here are the five basic ingredients in the recipe for using stuckness to our benefit:
- Become familiar with your own tell-tale signs of stuckness. In my experience, some of the typical signs include irritability, distractedness, restless energy, a lack of focus, and loss of a sense of humor.
- Acknowledge that you’re stuck, and invite the stuckness to teach you. This acceptance will create the openness of heart and mind that allows the unconscious to be made conscious. Don’t fight it or try to muscle your way past it. Resistance or avoidance or sheer force of will makes the stuckness an enemy rather than a useful mentor.
- Take 100% responsibility for your stuckness. It’s your problem--no one else’s. Request help from others--friends, experts, a therapist, whomever or whatever seems appropriate to the situation--but retain full ownership of the problem and the solution.
- Tap into the negative energy--frustration, anger, etc.--to fuel positive forward movement through the stuckness.
- Finally, get moving--with and through the stuckness.
Retreat, Stall Out, or Advance?
We have choices, of course, when stuckness shows up. Broadly speaking, we can retreat from it, stall out in the face of it, or advance through it. Neither retreating or stalling out will produce a good result. Only advancing through it will.
So, if you’re stuck, get moving. Even more specifically, get moving through the stuckness so it can teach us what it’s there for.
The more skillful we become at leveraging life’s many encounters with stuckness, the more we will milk out of this life, the more we will bring into it for our own fulfillment and others’ benefit, and the fewer deathbed regrets we’ll have.
Because remember: you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
I Can Help You Find the Up-Side of Your Stuckness
My purpose as a coach is to help you live the life you know you were made to live. A big part of that is helping others move through their stuckness to the good stuff that awaits beyond. I can help YOU with that. Connect with me on Facebook @AndrewPettyCoach or email me at andrew@digdeepwinbig.com. To learn about Graveyard Group masterminds--where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work---visit digdeepwinbig.com/thegraveyardgroup.
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For a few promising years, 3-time Olympian Caroline Lalive was among the top female ski racers in the world. Slowly but surely, though, plagued by injuries and struggling with her mental game, the gap between Caroline's raw potential and her real-world race results got wider and wider. Eventually, in 2009, after a tumultuous13-year career characterized by grit, determination, courage, some notable accomplishments, and many disappointments, Caroline closed out the pro skiing chapter of her life with a fall in her final race.
In this episode, Caroline shares candidly about the gnawing regret that has stuck with her since her retirement from skiing and what she sees more clearly today that could have helped her younger self. And if we're willing to hear it, can help all of us. Surprisingly, though, it's not regret about her career that brings tears to the surface for Caroline in this conversation; Instead, it's regret about things left unsaid until it was too late.
And it turns out that there's a lot of wisdom for life to be gained from analyzing good skiing technique. Caroline and I unpack that metaphor together before turning the corner in her Story to the heartbreaking encounter with Mortality that she's in the middle of today.
This was a thoroughly fascinating and instructive conversation for me. I think it will be for you, too. On one level, it was simply fun and enlightening to get a glimpse into the world of elite athletics through Caroline's eyes. On another level, though, you'll see that Caroline's story as an elite athlete, wife, mom, daughter, and sister is still OUR story. It's the human story of tragedy and triumph, fear and courage, regret and gratitude, life and death.
Introducing Caroline Lalive
Caroline Lalive is the oldest of three born to her Swiss father and American mother. She spent most of her childhood in the mountains surrounding Lake Tahoe, with regular stints in Switzerland--where she first learned to ski. After a 3-year stint near Mt. Hood, OR, Caroline and her family moved to Steamboat Springs, CO, in 1995. Caroline, her husband, Olympic medalist Nelson Carmichael, and their two kids still call Steamboat home.
Here are some of the highlights from Caroline's skiing career:
- At the 1998 Nagano Olympics, she place 7th overall in the Combined event at age 18--making her the top American finisher in that event to-date.
- She was the overall Junior World champion in 1999--meaning that her performances in the 5 disciplines of slalom, GS, Super G, downhill, combined were the best in the world for 20 and under overall.
- In 2000, she became the first American to score points in every alpine event.
- In the 2001 season, she placed 3rd in the world in Downhill and Super G.
- She went into the 2002 Salt Lake olympics ranked 2nd in the world in Combined, 5th in downhill, and 5th in super G.
- She was 3-time nat’l champion and won silver in the world cup finals in downhill and placed 5th in Super G.
Chapter 1: The Thrill of Victory and the Agony of Defeat
In “Chapter 1” of this episode, we dive into Caroline’s ski career--a heady mixture of raw potential, visions of Olympic glory, early noteworthy successes, grit, courage, and dashed dreams. It’s a fascinating study in what it takes to reach, compete at, and ultimately succeed at the highest levels of a sport. And by extension--what it takes to succeed in Life. Caroline unpacks how it’s clearer to her now that an incomplete understanding of “selfishness” and “unselfishness” got in the way of achieving her dreams. With the clarity that she now has on that era, she encourages anyone who has a compelling passion and natural gifting in a particular area to be willing to sacrifice what’s needed in order to pursue it wholeheartedly. Because, Caroline exhorts, it’s only a season of our lives; it won’t last forever. But for Caroline, the regret for not paying some of the price required to succeed in the way she hoped to has endured much longer than the pro skiing season of her life. Some other key points from “Chapter 1” include:
- Regret is a Robber: Caroline has struggled a lot with Regret (capital “R” intended) since her career ended. It’s as if Regret is an actual companion post-skiing--invisible but ever-present, coloring how she feels about herself today and holding her back significantly from her potential in life today. We talked about the importance of turning and facing our Story--every part of it, and especially the hardest parts--so that we can embrace it and integrate it moving forward rather than go to great lengths to distance ourselves from it. In fact, the more we distance ourselves from our Story or fight it, the more we distance ourselves from our unique Path and Purpose in life.
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Process vs. Results: Caroline shares that she got so focused on the medals that she often forgot to ski. How many of us get so focused on the future--especially future goals--that we neglect what it takes here and now to get there or simply forget to live? To succeed in skiing and in Life, pay most attention to the fundamentals day-in and day-out, glancing up only briefly every once in a while to verify that you’re still headed in the right direction. Process over results. Today over tomorrow!
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The Shadow Side of our Strengths: Caroline is a highly-relational, people-oriented kind of person. This quality brings warmth and energy and goodwill to her relationships. Good, right? Yep. And...Caroline shares how her prevailing orientation toward people led her--in hindsight--to take her eye off the ball, so to speak, and be distracted enough to underperform as an athlete. This speaks to the immense value of continuing to grow in our self-knowledge; to continue compiling an “owner’s manual” for ourselves so that our strengths and weaknesses can increasingly take their proper places in our lives.
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As in Skiing, So in Life: We noodled on how good skiing technique mirrors good “life technique:” leaning forward, attacking the hill, trusting your edges, continually pushing the frontiers of our ability--not recklessly, but right on the edge of our comfort zone. Paradoxically, to sit back on our skis and ski timidly is a recipe for under-performing, at best, or crashing, at worst. As in skiing, so in life.
- And more...Tune in to the full episode for all of the nuggets available from Chapter 1 of Caroline’s Story.
Chapter 2: Lighting Strikes Twice
“Lightening struck twice.” This is what Caroline’s mom, Fran, says about the fact that both she and her daughter--Caroline’s sister, Isabelle--are in the midst of grim battles with end-stage cancer. In this chapter of the conversation, we unpacked the impact that Caroline’s indirect but very close experience of Mortality is having upon her. The ink hasn’t dried in this chapter of Caroline’s Story, so this part of the episode is as real and raw as it gets. Which makes it all the more amazing, on the one hand, that Caroline’s tears in this episode emerged not when talking about her mom and sister. Not when talking about regrets from her skiing career--and those are significant for Caroline! Instead, her tears emerged when sharing the story of a coach and mentor from the skiing chapter of her story--a coach and mentor who died of cancer before Caroline responded to her inner promptings to tell him how much of an impact he made in her life. She so deeply regrets that failure to act before it was too late. In the case of her mom and sister, she still has the chance now to reduce or eliminate those regrets.
This bell is rung loudly and clearly in one way or another by every guest on this show. Regrets for things unsaid or undone with people closest to us trump other kinds of regret by far. Let’s heed this lesson and today with the people we love.
BTW, tune in to ep. 022, Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise to learn more about the importance of listening to our inner voice--a close relative of the “inner prompting” Caroline talks about in this episode.
Some other key points from “Chapter 2” include:
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Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff: My words, not Caroline’s--but that’s the essence of part of Caroline’s message to us through her story. That we get caught up so easily in things that matter very little in the grand scheme of things. And we forget the stuff that really matters. When I asked her what mattered most, she said...
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A Legacy of Love: This is what matters most, in Caroline’s experience--and she comes with some serious credibility in light of her current experience with her mom and sister.
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Love is Found in the Little Things: Lest you cringe, let me first clarify that this doesn’t contradict the earlier point about not sweating the small stuff. This instead means that love is shown in a phone call, a note, an invitation for coffee, a gift given out of the blue for no reason, the gift of a listening and attentive ear, the gift of our time. Things that demonstrate to people that they are our priority. And, Caroline says, those mean more to her sister today than any “heroic gesture.” So, show love in the little everyday things.
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And more...Tune in to the full episode for all of the nuggets available from this chapter of Caroline’s Story.
Revelation Can Lead to Revolution
In the interview, Caroline paired revelation and revolution. What revelation did you have listening to Caroline’s story that could create some needed revolution in your own life?
Whatever the revelation was, heed Caroline’s example and encouragement: Do just one thing with that revelation TODAY to minimize deathbed regrets, become even more of the person you were made to be, and live the life you were made to live even more fully.
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Want Help With This?
My purpose as a coach is to help you turn revelation into revolution in your own life. Connect with me on Facebook @AndrewPettyCoach or email me at andrew@digdeepwinbig.com. To learn about Graveyard Group masterminds--where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work---visit digdeepwinbig.com/thegraveyardgroup.
Subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher and leave a review!
Resources mentioned in this episode:
- Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear
I haven’t read it, but 3 Million+ people have bought it--including Caroline!--so there’s bound to be plenty of good stuff for all of us in it. I have read his 3-2-1 email newsletter, and it’s good!
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 017 | Busting the "Balance" Myth: A Better Way
- Ep. 024 | My Top 5 Takeaways from 2020: How Conversations with My Guests Changed Me
How content are you? A little? A lot? Sometimes you are and sometimes you aren’t?
The fact that we all have different answers to that question just shows how elusive the answer to the Contentment Conundrum remains for we humans. I’ve never met someone who said that being more Content didn’t appeal to them at all.
And if Contentment was easy, we would have nailed it by now.
In this episode, we uncover some of the key reasons that Contentment eludes us and what to do about them--and get a lot closer to cracking the code on the Contentment Conundrum.
This Episode Goes Out to…
The Contentment Conundrum comes up a lot in my line of work--whether in 1-1 coaching settings or in group settings like Graveyard Group masterminds. In fact, I dedicated this episode to the OG TGG, as we call it--the group of guys who came together for the first-ever Graveyard Group mastermind two years ago. I’m a player-coach in that group--it’s where I do my own Mortality-minded work to become the man I’m made to be and live the life I’m made to live. We’re still going strong, and another discussion around Contentment gave me the inspiration for this episode.
What is Contentment, Anyway?
Before we dive in, let’s define what we mean by “Contentment.” For our purposes, we’ll call Contentment “an overall sense of satisfaction and wellbeing that’s based in reality and not dependent upon circumstances.” There may be other ways to describe or define it, but it’s this kind of Contentment that we’re chewing on.
Let’s also touch on what we DON’T mean by “Contentment.” We don’t mean brainless bovine contentment--out of touch with and unaffected by real life in the real world, like a cow grazing in a field as the world swirls around them. There are at least a couple of ways to achieve this kind of contentment--this counterfeit of the real thing. One of them involves self-destructive use of substances or other reality-escaping practices. Another involves simply living in a chronic state of denial. In my opinion, neither of those end well or bring our best into the world. And if you’ve tuned into even just a few episodes already, then you know that in my book, that’s a terrible tragedy. Both for the liver of the life and the world they inhabit.
Paradoxically, although the first definition of Contentment requires more commitment and courage, it yields a bumper crop over time--while the second ultimately requires more desperate measures to maintain against the constant encroachments of reality upon its borders and, in the end, yields a harvest of mediocrity at best and ruin at worst.
My strong hunch, though, is that if you listen to this podcast, you’re much more interested in the first definition of Contentment.
Guest Co-host
As I was chewing on how to approach this topic, I realized that I wanted to have a conversation about it rather than just share some thoughts in the usual solo episode way. So I invited my wife, Charis, to join me. She first appeared on Andrew Petty is Dying in ep. 021, Sometimes, the Grass IS Greener: How a Familiar Bit of Conventional Wisdom Could be Holding You Back from the Life You Were Made to Live. That episode wasn’t an audition, but if it had been, she would have “gotten the part.” And since evidently her first experience wasn’t overly traumatic (rumor has it, she actually enjoyed it!), she agreed to help me crack the code on the Contentment Conundrum with me, for you. Tune into the full episode to hear the many pearls of wisdom she adds to the conversation.
The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code
Our conversation was organized around two major headings:
- Contentment can’t be found by looking for it.
- We experience Contentment as we persevere in becoming the person we were made to be and living the life we were made to live.
Contentment can’t be found by looking for it.
Before we discussed how we obtain contentment, it was first important to dispel this underlying misconception. In my opinion, not only is it true that contentment can’t be found by looking for it, but the more intent we become on finding it, the more elusive it becomes. It’s like trying to hold on to an eel. Or chasing a mirage. Or mistaking the good times had in the car on a road trip for the purpose of the trip. Good times in the car on a road trip are a by-product of traveling to a destination--not the sole purpose of the trip.
In the rest of this part of the conversation, we discuss how time-honored self-care practices can actually feed into this misconception and create quite the opposite of contentment as a result.
And Charis shares what kind of shape I was in just 3 days after returning from my first-ever personal retreat.
With this critical misconception addressed, we next unpaced what actually does produce contentment in our lives.
The Recipe for Contentment
I think we experience contentment as we persevere in becoming the person we were made to be and living the life we were made to live. There are at least 5 key ingredients in the recipe for becoming the person we were made to be and living the lives we were made to live, including:
- Connection with a Higher Power
- Finding and Traveling our Unique Path in Life with Guts, Gusto, Abandon, and Purpose
- Cultivating Positivity
- Practicing Presence and Possession
- Making People Our Priority
We walk through this recipe step-by-step in the rest of the conversation, and Charis adds examples from her own life to help you “see” what we’re talking about--including a professional evolution that required a lot of guts and deeper self-knowledge from her and in the end produced a harvest of increased self-confidence and yep--contentment.
I think this recipe yields genuine contentment much like an exquisite meal yields amazing flavor and warmth in our belly. It’s not the meal itself, but it’s an awesome and welcome byproduct of it.
This kind of contentment--genuine, deep, abiding contentment--comes with scars and wounds picked up in the battle of life. In fact, this kind of contentment is possible at least in part because of the scars and wounds acquired in the battle of life. We mistake freedom from suffering, stress, and hardship as a source of contentment. When in fact those are some of the most important ingredients in the recipe for living a life that produces Contentment along the way.
Landing the Plane
Our conversation concluded with two final points. First, we discussed the surprising value of discontentment. And secondly, we discussed how Mortality plays into all of this. Tune into the full episode
So What’s the “So What?”
If you’re seeking more Contentment, first, stop looking for it. Then, commit instead to living the life you were made to live and becoming the person you were made to be. Pay attention to the discontentment indicators on the dashboard of your life. What system malfunction is it alerting you to? Check the recipe of your life. Which ingredient in the recipe for becoming the person you were made to be and living the life you were made to live isn’t there in sufficient measure or is absent altogether?
And as you discover and travel your unique Path in life with greater guts, gusto, abandon, and Purpose, you’ll start to notice the presence of a very welcome and pleasant companion:
Contentment.
Contentment that’s not dependent on fickle circumstances. Contentment that’s rugged and durable and UP TO YOU!
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
I Can Help You
With Mortality as our motivator, this podcast exists to help you cultivate the Mindset and the Means to live the life you were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. That’s my purpose as a coach, too.
Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me. Go here to learn about Graveyard Group masterminds----where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work.
Episodes Mentioned in This Episode
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Ep. 003 | How to Turn Your Imperfections Into Superpowers: The Key to Unlocking Your Unique Purpose
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Ep. 007 | Kites in the Graveyard: Learning to Let Go at the Intersection of Grief and Joy
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Ep. 011 | Embracing Mystery, When to Call It a Day, and What Matters Most: Lessons from an Astonishing Life-After-Death Story
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Ep. 018 | Life's 3 Big Questions: A Conversation with the Coroner
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Ep. 021 | Sometimes, the Grass IS Greener: How a Familiar Bit of Conventional Wisdom Could be Holding You Back from the Life You Were Made to Live
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Ep. 023 | Forged in Fire: What You Learn About Life and Death from 25 Years in the Fire Service
If you liked this episode, you might like these, too...
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Ep. 010 | Life is a House With Many Rooms: Would Your House Pass Inspection?
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Ep. 014 | Dare to Dream Again: The Antidote to a Mediocre Life
-
Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
-
Ep. 017 | Busting the "Balance" Myth: A Better Way
Subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review!
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This podcast has changed my life.
I didn’t really expect that when I set out to produce it. I hoped it would change YOUR life--but changing mine came as a surprise. A most welcome surprise.
As 2020 drew to a close, I reflected on some of the lessons that have stuck with me the most from the many enlightening conversations I’ve had with my guests. That reflection revealed 5 big takeaways for me personally, and I share them with you in this episode. To do that, I dug up specific clips from some of my guests and added a little commentary to tease out the takeaway more fully. It’s a fun romp down memory lane on the one hand--and a poignant reminder of what matters most on the other.
If you’ve been tuning in regularly, then probably one or two of my takeaways is similar to one or two of yours. But you’ll have a few that are different from mine. That’s part of the magic and power of Story: The same story penetrating two different hearts can have very different results.
If you haven’t been tuning in regularly or are tuning in for the first time, this episode is a good introduction to what this podcast is all about--a sampler to give you a taste of what the full menu is like. I hope that what you taste will keep you coming back for more.
What a Ride...
This time last year, I had a concept, title, and artwork for this podcast. What I didn’t yet have, though, was an actual podcast. Plenty of enthusiasm for it--but still no podcast. Then, with the welcome support of my podcast coaches, Tim Wohlberg and Valerie McTavish, of Podcast Performance Coach (they’re AWESOME!), and the unwelcome arrival of COVID-19--which took away about half of my usual work volume and left me with more discretionary time than usual--Andrew Petty is Dying launched at long last on April 6, 2020.
Pheww. Got over the starting line.
What a ride it’s been since then. As the COVID situation unfolded for all of us, I simultaneously (and coincidentally) began to have conversations with ordinary people like you and me who’ve had extraordinary encounters with Mortality and share those stories with you.
Serendipitous timing, to say the least.
The Inherent Value of Story
I think there’s inherent value in hearing someone else’s story. Among other things, it helps us make more sense of our own story, reminds us of the challenges that are common to all humans drawing breath on Planet Earth, and helps us feel a little less alone and maybe even a little less crazy. We connect with another human through their story and the vulnerability it takes to share it, and that connection nourishes our souls on the deepest, most life-giving level. In a year of tremendous DIS-connection, maybe you’ve gotten in touch with just how much human connection means to you. Or maybe you’ve connected more deeply with others than you have before. Maybe a bit of both.
Either way, when you add to the intrinsic value of hearing someone else’s story the additional gift of transferable wisdom and lessons gleaned from face-to-face encounters with Mortality-- you’ve got a recipe for profound real-world CHANGE for all of us.
That is...IF you’re willing to let someone else’s encounter with Mortality change YOUR life right now--before you have your own crisis with Mortality.
Therein lies the key. And therein lies the reason that this podcast exists. On this show, we intentionally keep our Mortality in mind to tap into its power to motivate us to live with guts, gusto, and abandon right now--rather waiting for the “ever-elusive tomorrow.” As Aussie and cultural-bridge-building finance entrepreneur, Jono Belz, said in episode 15, too many of us live in the shadows and fail to step out into the full, bright light of our unique purpose in the world.
As I’ve said before, I think that’s tragic.
Now, without further ado, let’s get to my 5 big takeaways from 2020--taken in chronological order from earliest to most recent.
Takeaway 1: Face the Fear
Episode 6 featured author, skydiver, globetrotter, and life cycle celebrant, Lise Leroux--a remarkable woman whose mind-blowing story reads like a sadistic experiment designed by a mad scientist. She lived with a terminal diagnosis for 35 years--for that entire time expecting her demise was no more than six months away. Then, just five years ago, her story took an unbelievable turn. I won’t spoil it for those of you who haven’t listened to her episode yet.
Jump now to 4:53-6:45 in the episode audio using the player at the top of this page to hear Lise share what those many years of suffering taught her about the importance of facing the fear.
I don’t know about you, but my knee-jerk reaction when fear shows up is to resist it, try to make it go away, or attempt to ignore it. But those efforts are like Lise’s attempts to avoid the pointy tree; they actually give the fear more power in my life. Lise’s exhortation to turn and face the fear head-on to see it for what it really is has been a tremendous boost for me this past year. And given what she had to endure to learn that lesson, there’s a ton of credibility behind it.
What fear do you need to turn and face today?
So that’s takeaway #1: Face the Fear.
Now, let’s move on to takeaway #2, which I’m calling “Embrace the Mystery.”
Takeaway 2: Embrace the Mystery
Imagine that you died and came back to life. How would it change the way you lived?
Joe Harsel, my guest on episode 011, doesn't have to imagine it. About three and a half years ago--just a day after getting a great report from his doctor at his annual well-check--Joe was walking up the sidewalk to his son’s swim meet. A friend said hi, then Joe collapsed headlong--upright and breathing one moment and prostrate with no measurable vitals the next. For the next 30 minutes, Joe was clinically dead. Then, for no known reason, he came back to life in the back of the ambulance as he was being transported. To this day, why Joe experienced sudden cardiac death and then suddenly came back to life is a huge mystery.
Jump now to 8:21-9:51 in the episode audio using the player at the top of this page to hear Joe share how the experience has taught him and his family to “embrace mystery.”
Wow. I do NOT like this kind of mystery in life--not at face value, anyway. I want certainty, clear cause and effect. In Joe’s case, his heart was in better shape than ever according to medical science’s ability to determine--and yet it was his heart that gave out just 24 hours later. And it’s still not clear why! That really messes with me. Especially given that my particular flavor of anxiety gravitates toward an inordinate fear of catastrophic health events.
But Joe’s story forced me to face the mystery of life in a transformational way this past year. Timely, too, as we navigated the uncertainty of COVID. And today, when my old demands for certainty rear their head, Joe’s exhortation to embrace the mystery--hard-won from his literal life-after-death experience--rings loud and clear in my heart and I’m able surrender my demands for certainty, embrace the mystery, and keep moving forward. Sometimes better than others, of course. But this has been an invaluable gift to me.
What’s your relationship with life’s mystery like?
Next up, Takeaway #3, which I’m calling “Let It Die,” from a fascinating conversation I had with my friend and colleague, Rick Kahn. I listened to this episode no less than four times in the week following production because it was so impactful for me.
Takeaway 3: Let It Die
Rick Kahn is an outstanding executive coach for companies whose products and services we all use every day. His road from dyslexic middle child, high school drop-out, globetrotting spiritual seeker, and high-end custom home builder to the life he lives today based out of a quaint seaside town in Mexico is fascinating at face value. But add to that storyline two mind-blowing encounters with mortality separated by 30 years--and you've got a tale that's packed full of extraordinary lessons and wisdom for all of us.
In episode 013, Rick showed us how life is a series of necessary deaths that lead to fuller life before we depart planet Earth.
Jump now to 11:57-13:32 in the episode audio using the player at the top of this page to hear Rick in his own words.
Sometimes, we hold onto something well beyond its useful purpose in our lives, and it holds us back from moving on to better things. Not to be too morbid...But it’s like trying to take our dead dog out for a walk for days and weeks and even years after it’s passed away. That’s obviously nonsensical, but we do that in ways that are LESS obviously nonsensical in our lives every day. My relationship with soccer was that way, and in Rick’s episode I share how finally letting soccer die in my life allowed new and better things to come to life.
What do you need to finally let die so that something new and better can come to life?
Moving on now to Takeaway #4, “There’s Love Beneath the Waves,” from my friend Matt Wilks’ harrowing 7-year story of Job-like suffering.
Takeaway 4: There’s Love Beneath the Waves
Matt Wilks is a physical therapist by trade who today serves as VP and Chief Rehabilitation Office for Sheltering Arms Institute--a cutting edge inpatient rehabilitation hospital in Richmond, VA. The story Matt shared in episode 20 is a firsthand report from the front lines of seven years of suffering. It’s absolutely heart wrenching stuff. He invited us into the darkest moments--his own dark night of the soul--the triumphant moments, and much more in between to help us connect more powerfully with what matters most in life and what it's all about. In his modern-day story, we find ancient wisdom for living our most fulfilling and meaningful lives as humans on planet earth.
Jump now to 15:14-17:51 in the episode audio using the player at the top of this page to hear Matt share how his dark night of the soul led him to discover that “there’s Love beneath the waves.”
My own journey in life has been permeated by a pretty strong sense of loneliness. “Aloneness” might be a better word, actually. The Anxiety I’ve known my whole life creates a sense of separation and isolation from others and the world around me because the war is waged internally. It’s invisible to others, but it’s very, very real and often very painful for me. That contributes a LOT to the “aloneness.” I’ve also experienced a persistent sense of separation and disapproval from God--someone to whom Matt and I both give credit for our existence and with whom we one day hope to be reunited in perfection. I’m not saying, BTW, that I’m actually separated from God or disapproved of by him, but rather that this has been a troublesome ongoing internal struggle for me. And that, too, has created a long-standing and painful sense of aloneness. And a sense that it’s ALL riding on my shoulders, on this or that decision in this moment, etc.
So, for Matt to have plumbed the depths of despair in his dark night of soul and discovered that, when all else is stripped away, there’s still “love beneath the waves…” Well, that’s a gift of immeasurable value for me. Both in being able to know that without going through the suffering that Matt has endured and in the actual knowledge that underneath it all, God is there sustaining me. I’m so grateful for that gift--made possible by Matt’s courageous vulnerability in sharing his story.
When you look beneath the waves, what do you find?
Takeaway #5 came together courtesy of my friend and most recent guest, 25-year fire-service veteran, Tony Gonzalez, in episode 023. I call this takeaway “There’s Magic in the Mundane.” And it’s also something that, in one way or another, EVERY guest on the podcast has emphasized in their own way. That makes this one an all-caps, bolded, underscored, italicized takeaway. Whatever we call it, it’s one of the biggies that’s emerged from almost a year of these conversations with people whose encounters with Mortality radically changed their lives..
Takeaway 5: There’s Magic in the Mundane
When harrowing encounters with Death are a routine part of your job, how does it change the way you live?
Tony Gonzalez helped us answer that question and put the lessons he's learned to work in OUR lives right now.
Tony retired in 2017 as one of 8 battalion chiefs for the City of Denver. His peers and colleagues scratched their heads in disbelief when he made the decision to retire. It's far from the norm to exit the fire service at that point in your career. But Tony's many encounters with Mortality as a firefighter--one in particular that he shares in the interview--and others in his personal life had led him to dramatically re-evaluate things. And he left the fire service behind at the peak of his career to double-down on what matters most to him. He's never looked back.
Jump now to 20:55-21:56 in the episode audio using the player at the top of this page to hear Tony share what he’s learned from being present with his family now more than ever before.
Tony’s reminder--added to essentially the same exhortation from every other guest on this show so far--has helped me a ton. I can tend to get caught up in the big picture, ideals, and the world of ideas; persistently pursue a better future at the expense of the beauty that’s right here now; to minimize the mundane in my zeal for what could be. But now, the mundane has a special place in my heart and life. Wrestling and rough-housing with my eight-year-old, taking shooting lessons with my 11-year-old, running around town doing errands with my wife; just passing time together without a specific purpose or objective in mind...I see the magic in those mundane moments now better than ever before. I have Tony and all of the guests who preceded him to thank for that change.
How much room do you make in your life for the magically mundane stuff of life?
That’s a Wrap!
So there you have it--5 of my big takeaways from nearly a year of conversations with ordinary people who’ve had extraordinary encounters with Mortality.
What have a few of your big takeaways been?
Thank You and a Request
I want to publicly thank my guests--heroes in my eyes for the courage it took to share their stories. And I want to thank you, the listeners, for tuning in, taking to heart what you hear, and living with more guts, gusto, and abandon.
I also want to ask you for your help. If this podcast has helped you, would you help spread the word? Share an episode that was especially meaningful to you with just one other person, and ask them to consider doing the same. It’s time for more of us to become the people we were made to be and live the lives we were made to live.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
I’d Love to Help You
My purpose as a coach is to help you live the life you know you were made to live--with guts, gusto, and abandon. Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me. Go here to learn about Graveyard Group masterminds----where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work.
Subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review!
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
When harrowing encounters with Death are a routine part of your job, how does it change the way you live?
On today's episode, my friend Tony Gonzalez helps us answer that question based on his 25 years of service as a firefighter and put the lessons he's learned to work in OUR lives right now.
Meet Tony Gonzalez
At the peak of his career as a big city firefighter, in 2017 Tony traded in his badge, uniform, and hard-won seniority for a “mundane” life in the small mountain town where he grew up. After 25 years of almost daily encounters with trauma and Mortality in the line of duty, one particular encounter with Mortality finally convinced Tony that enough was enough. His peers and colleagues scratched their heads in disbelief when he made the decision. But he's never looked back.
Tony is a native of Steamboat Springs, and after 25 years in the city, in 2018 he moved back to Steamboat with his wife and two boys to begin writing a new chapter in their story. Since 2001, concurrent with his fire service career, Tony has been co-owner of Garage Composites--the nation's largest consulting firm to the powersports industry, and that is his primary professional focus today.
I met Tony through a mutual friend, and he soon became a member of one of the Graveyard Group masterminds I lead. In that setting, on a weekly basis, Tony and his fellow Graveyard Group members remember that they ARE going to die, but they're not dead yet--and they work on the things that matter most in their lives. Today. Because "tomorrow" never comes. And Death always does. We talk a bit about Tony's experience in the Graveyard Group in this episode--about how consciously keeping Mortality in mind with the confidential, compassionate, no BS support of 5 other guys helps him leave it all out on the field of life.
It's been a personal pleasure to get to know Tony over the past year, and it's a special pleasure to introduce you to him so you can integrate his life lessons and hard-won wisdom into your own life.
Starry-eyed at 5
Tony was gracious to indulge my child-like curiosity about what it’s like to be a firefighter when we kicked off the interview. Turns out that it was child-like wonder at five years old that turned Tony on to the idea of being a firefighter. He saw a fire truck in a parade with firefighters hanging off of it and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that THAT was what he was going to do when he grew up. He was assembling his own first aid kits in elementary school and had his advanced first aid certification by seventh grade.
In the full episode, we noodle a bit on how we parents can reserve judgment and employ curiosity about what our kids find interesting so we can nurture and guide their development in those areas. This is especially important when what they like doesn’t interest us or seem very useful.
Hooked at 21
One of Tony’s favorite memories from his 25 years of service was the first time he rode down main street Steamboat on a firetruck as a fully-fledged firefighter. He remembers the rush of doing what he’d always wanted to do in the town where he grew up. He knew at that moment that he was made to do that job.
Another favorite memory was a rescue he pulled off early in his career. He spotted a woman hanging out of a window four stories up. Tony and his partner got a ladder up to her window, and Tony carried her down to safety on his shoulder. His superior told him later back at the station that had Tony not been there that day, she would have died. That experience drove home to Tony the connection between what he loved doing and how what he loved doing made a real difference in real lives in the real world.
Some Other Highlights from the Conversation
- Tony compares the camaraderie he gained and treasured in the fire service with the camaraderie he’s gained as a member of a Graveyard Group mastermind. A trait that both the fire service and The Graveyard Group share is that each has a common, unifying purpose--in the fire service, to save lives, and in the The Graveyard Group, to leave it all out on the field of life. When there’s a shared, compelling purpose, there’s an opportunity for deep and meaningful camaraderie.
- Tony shares how repeated exposure to trauma and death in the line of duty changes you in ways that are both useful and harmful. We explore how our reaction to Death is both understandable on the one hand AND counter-productive on the other when we try too hard to avoid Death’s inevitability.
- Tony’s best friend in the fire service died tragically in the line of duty. The worst thing Tony saw in all his years of service was the look on his friend’s 13-year-old son’s face when he learned his dad had died. The worst thing Tony heard in his years of service was the same young man’s scream when he heard the news. Tony was somehow able to reconcile all of the other civilian and firefighter deaths he’d experienced. But he wasn’t able to reconcile his best friend’s death and the reaction of his son. Remarkably, Tony says that his friend’s death was even more painful than the recent death of his father and the loss of his first child at birth, a stillborn daughter. This was the tipping point that led Tony to take the off-ramp to a new life with his family.
- In his work with Garage Composites post-fire service, Tony went from anywhere between 40-50 weeks a year on the road to none in 2020 as a result of COVID. That forced change in this new chapter of his family’s story has led to a new commitment to dramatically reduce his time away from home once travel is once again
Some Key Takeaways
- Keep the date you set with friends to get together.
- Do the “mundane” stuff with the people you love.
- Show up with your ski gear on when you pick your kid up from ski school, and take a few laps with him or her. It’ll make their day.
- If you see an “off-ramp” to a different and better way of life, take it!
- When Death shows up in your life, be shocked, grieve like there’s no tomorrow, allow yourself to feel the pain and loss. Then, keep moving.
Tune In!
There’s a LOT more in this episode than these shownotes can hope to capture. Tony’s warmth and wisdom abound in this conversation.
Change is Simple
I have a simple formula for change: Insight + Action = Transformation. Which is not the same as to say that change is always easy. But the anatomy of change is, in fact, simple. And you can take the first steps toward the change you want in your life today.
What Insight emerged for you from this conversation with Tony? What's just one thing--no matter how small--you could do today to put that Insight into Action? Don't worry about all of the steps that might be necessary after the first one. Just be sure to take that first one today.
A thousand different reasons will pop up why taking that Action today is unreasonable or unnecessary, or why it might be better to think about it a bit more first or get others' opinions or do some more research. This is the voice of inertia, though, the voice of the status quo--whispering to you that it's not that big a deal to hold off on taking that step. That, in fact, it might even be prudent to let your Insight marinate a bit more first.
And that voice in this moment is the enemy of the life you know you were made to live. If you listen to it, It will keep you right where you are--stuck in whatever unsatisfactory state you find yourself.
Because it's less about the specific Action you decide to take than it is about your steadfast commitment to ACT. Your resolve to do what you can right now to move toward what you want.
I’d Love to Help You
My purpose as a coach is to help you live the life you know you were made to live. I can help you leave it all out on the field of life. Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, or email me. Go here to learn about Graveyard Group masterminds--where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work.
Remember, you are going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Connect with Tony!
Email | Website | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn
Subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher, and leave a review!
If You Like This Episode…
- Ep. 010 | Life is a House With Many Rooms: Would Your House Pass Inspection?
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
Your inner voice speaks the truth of who you are and the life you were made to live. But many of us treat it like a suspicious stranger instead of a trustworthy friend. What gives?
In this episode, I’ll reveal some of the most common reasons we fail to hear and heed our inner voice and the surprisingly harmful consequences of ignoring it, and how to tune OUT the noise around you so you can tune IN to the reliable guide within you.
A Familiar Idea
The idea of an “inner voice” isn’t new. It’s an idea that has come in different shapes and forms and expressions over the years. Some might call your “inner voice” your “heart,” and encourage you to “follow your heart.” Others might say “be true to yourself.” No matter how it’s expressed, though, the implication is that within us is a trustworthy source of truth about who we really are and the life we’re made to live.
My Evolving Relationship With My Inner Voice
To be honest, for most of my life, I was really suspicious of this idea. Partly, at least, because I grew up in a faith tradition that taught me that, left to its own devices, my heart would inevitably bend toward selfish and even evil ways of living--that something within me was broken on a fundamental level. I haven’t abandoned that belief entirely--not in its essence, anyway, because I find that it holds up to the litmus test of reality. I don’t have to look any farther than my relationships with my wife and boys to know that I sometimes withhold love that they deserve or speak unkindly to them because I’m unhappy with myself. I can dream of being all-competent or remarkably wise so that others will think of me as exceptional and I can think of myself as superior. I do things that I shouldn’t, and I don’t do things that I should.
So I haven’t discarded that perspective entirely, but I have expanded it to make room for what I believe to be an important companion truth--namely, that within the same human heart that holds the capacity for evil resides a voice that whispers truth and goodness to us.
Recognizing Your Inner Voice
Now in my worldview, that voice is of divine origin--placed within me by the Creator, and perhaps it even IS the voice of the Creator. Which in my worldview makes that voice imminently trustworthy.
But I don’t think it’s at all necessary to share my worldview in order to buy into the idea of a good and reliable voice within us that guides us onto our unique path in life and helps us fulfill our unique purpose.
It’s the voice you ignore when an “expert” in a topic tells you the “right” way to do something--and you do it that way, knowing that deep down you really think there’s a better way.
It’s the voice nudging you gently and persistently to leave a job to pursue an entrepreneurial path--but you stay in the job because it provides a reliable paycheck.
It’s the voice telling you to forsake the entrepreneurial path because you actually really like being part of a team in an established organization--but you ignore it because you’ve bought into the myth that entrepreneurs are cooler, gutsier, and eventually always make tons of money.
It’s the voice calling you back to your canvas, brushes, and paints--but you ignore it because your parents told you long ago that art is a frivolous and self-indulgent pursuit that doesn’t benefit anyone. So you let your art stuff continue to gather dust in the attic and dive deeper into your sterile corporate law job with a corner office and an amazing salary, while a beautiful part of you dies just a little bit more.
It’s the voice calling you out on a limb--but you ignore it and keep your arms wrapped around the trunk because, well, it feels safer here. And you begin to develop an insidious and deep-seated disdain for yourself because you know you’ve chosen badly.
Or maybe it’s the voice that you finally listened to because its whisper had increased to an unavoidable roar in your heart and mind--and to ignore it any longer would take more resolve and energy than simply doing what it said. And so you tuned out all the other voices competing for attention, tuned in to the trustworthy voice within you, and stepped out on that limb.
I had a moment like that almost seven years ago, and it profoundly and wonderfully changed my life. Tune in to episode 005 of this podcast, How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto, to hear more of that story.
The decision to hear and heed my inner voice--to tune out the other voices competing for attention and tune in to my own--has enabled me to become more of the man I was made to be and live the life I was made to live. My inner voice didn’t lead me astray. It proved trustworthy. And I’m SO grateful for it. And that experience, more than any other single experience so far, and the good fruit that has come from it, set me on a path of learning to hear and heed my inner voice day in and day out.
Which Person are You?
BTW, hearing and heeding your inner voice is more challenging for some than for others. Some people--because of their innate personality style and upbringing--do it instinctively and effectively from an early age. Others though--also because of innate personality style and upbringing--find it very difficult to do. But that’s a whole different discussion for another time.
You know which of those two people you are. And if you’re someone who finds it hard to do, then you know deep down the price you’re paying for holding your inner voice at arm’s length.
And if that’s you, stay tuned and listen closely.
The Culprits that Compete With Our inner Voice
I’m not going to spend any more time or energy making a case for the existence and value of our inner voice. Countless others have done that far more intelligently and persuasively than I could ever hope to.
Besides, truth be told...I don’t actually think any of us need to be persuaded of the existence and value of our inner voice. What we need instead is encouragement to actually give it the attention it deserves. What keeps us from doing that?
Here are a few of the big culprits--the other “voices” that compete for our attention:
- First, our parents. On the one hand, it may seem ridiculous as an adult to think that our parents could still have that much power in our lives. After all, we’re adults now, right? Wellllll...When you consider that for the first 18 or so years of our lives, all of us had one or more parents--or adults who had the rights and responsibilities of a parent in our lives--who profoundly influenced our view of ourselves, life, and the world we live in, then it’s no wonder that their voices from the past can drown out our own inner voice even in adulthood. To be clear, I’m not saying that I think we shouldn’t heed the input and counsel of our parents--even as adults. I HIGHLY value my parents’ counsel still--even at 46. But I AM saying that if your parents’ voices drown out your inner voice, then it’s time to tune out their voices so you can tune in to your own.
- Next, trusted role models, mentors, and “experts.” This is a tough one, too--because we pick role models and mentors because we respect and admire them and believe that in some way they have something valuable to offer us. We may know them personally, or they can also be authors, public figures, historical figures, podcasters like me, bloggers, celebrities, and so forth that we don’t know personally but who nevertheless influence us. If we tune in too much to the voices of role models, mentors, and experts, though, then our own inner voice can get lost in the crowd. We can begin to try to live according to their prescriptions for success instead of the one that our own inner voice has been offering us all along. If the role models, mentors, and experts you trust are drowning out your inner voice, tune them out or dial them back so that your inner voice can be heard clearly over them.
- What about cultural & social pressures? To achieve and maintain a certain standard of living. To have a certain kind of job that carries a certain kind of prestige or authority. To take vacations that are just a little more exotic than those that others take. To drive a certain kind of car. You get the picture. If cultural and social pressures--fueled by your own ego and insecurities--are drowning out the truth of your existence and the life you were made to live that your inner voice is patiently and persistently whispering to you...then turn them down and turn your inner voice up.
- How about the News and Social media? These are HUGE threats to the clarity and influence of our own inner voices. In the digital age, news cycles are lightning fast, there’s more information available then we could ever hope to consume, a huge chunk of that information is useless anyway, and social media creates an echo chamber of our own devising--reinforced by algorithms that serve up heaping quantities of whatever we click on most. If we’re not mindful in our consumption of information from these sources, we begin to live frenetic, harried lives scripted by whatever messages and agendas OTHER people are propagating. We simply allow so much of that noise into our lives that our inner voices don’t have a chance of being heard above the fray.
Obviously, this isn’t an exhaustive list of the voices that can compete for our attention. But these ARE some of the big culprits. And it’s less about tuning out those voices forever and ever, amen, than it is about getting the mix of voices balanced better--like an audio engineer would do when he’s mixing together instrument and vocal tracks to create a finished song.
Will Ferrell’s Cowbell
One of my favorite Saturday Night Live skits is the one with Will Ferrell playing the cowbell in a studio recording session. The scene is set in the 70s, and all the musicians are wearing stereotypical 70s garb. Will Ferrell’s hairy gut is sticking out from a tacky velour shirt that’s too short, and he’s about to bust out of his light-blue bell bottoms. He and the producer keep wanting to add more cowbell to the track, and take after take, the amount of cowbell and Will Ferrell’s antics become more and more ridiculous and completely overwhelm the recording session. It’s obvious to the viewer that “more cowbell” is NOT in fact what this recording needs. And it’s hilarious to watch the other musicians as they react to the absurdity of the whole situation.
Which voices are Will Ferrell’s cowbell in your life right now, drowning out your own inner voice and creating a mix that isn’t true to the music you alone can offer the world?
Whichever voices are drowning out your inner voice, turn them down or tune them out. If MY voice via this podcast is too loud in your head and heart, then turn it down or tune it out.
There’s simply NO substitute for the truth of who you are and the life you were made to live that your inner voice can whisper to you in a way that NO ONE ELSE CAN.
The Consequences of Ignoring Your Inner Voice
Because here’s the deal: We may fail to hear and heed our inner voice for a while, or we may even consciously choose to ignore it. But make no mistake, our inner voice will make itself known one way or another. It simply can’t be ignored forever. I believe long-term neglect of our inner voice--that is, long-term neglect of the truth of our existence and the life we were made to live--leads to anger, depression, blown-up marriages, broken relationships between parents and kids, destructive coping mechanisms like substance abuse, and more. Some of these collateral damages were true in my own life before I began to risk hearing and heeding my inner voice. I see the same patterns playing out in the lives of my clients when they’re resisting their own inner voice. And I see them break free of these patterns when they begin to hear, heed, and live according to the truth of their inner voice. Then, slowly but surely, who they truly are begins to emerge.
The Rewards of Hearing and Heeding Your Inner Voice
If it feels risky to listen to your inner voice, then consider the risks of NOT tuning in to it. And compare those risks to the wildly wonderful benefits of you fulfilling more and more of your unique purpose in the world.
Tune out the noise, and tune in to your own inner voice to discover the truth of your existence and the life you were made to live.
And since none of us knows when we’ll draw our last breath in this life, isn’t it time to give your inner voice the attention that it deserves?
Today is the Day to Start Hearing and Heeding Your Inner Voice
This episode is airing in the ninth month of the global COVID-19 situation. For some of you, the whole ordeal has brought some nagging questions to the surface in ways that you can’t ignore. Your inner voice is available to help you answer them.
And I can help you tune in to your inner voice and act on what you hear.
Maybe the first step for you today is reaching out to me. My purpose as a coach is to help you live the life you know you were made to live. Connect with me on Facebook, email me, or visit my website to learn more.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts, Gusto, and Abandon
- Ep. 014 | Dare to Dream Again: The Antidote to a Mediocre Life
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
Subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher, and leave a review!
“The grass is always greener on the other side." So, don't fool yourself into thinking there's anything better out there for you. Right? Welllll…
A lot of conventional wisdom--for all of its potential value--has very real limits and misuses. Are you falling prey to the limits and misuses of this particular bit of conventional wisdom? And paying a high price in fulfillment, purpose, and impact as a result?
In this episode, I bring in my favorite person in the world--my wife, Charis--to unpack how the past eight years of our life have shown us how sometimes, the grass really is greener on the other side. And what it takes to KEEP it green.
Does greener grass await you? This episode will help you figure out your answer to that important question.
Introducing the One, the Only--My Wife--Charis Petty
Charis Petty is one heck of a woman. She's fiercely loyal to those she loves. She's outrageously thoughtful and generous. She's a creative and passionate gift-giver who genuinely enjoys making the lives of those around better and brighter. She's an attentive, fun, and courageous mother of our two boys. She's a gifted real estate professional, and she's got a rocket engine for a brain. She’s REALLY wise. In fact, she's my favorite coach. She hits me between the eyes regularly with exactly what I need to hear. I've learned to defer to her far superior engineering abilities, and her situational awareness is astounding to me (who, admittedly, lacks it almost entirely, sometimes).
And thank goodness, this woman is my wife, my lifelong partner-in-crime, the woman with whom I've created a family and embarked on a journey of becoming the people we were made to be and living the lives we were made to live.
Oh, and did I mention that, in addition to everything I've already said about her, she's smokin' hot?? Lucky, lucky me.
The Lies Behind the Truth
I think there’s a fair amount of useful truth in most bits of conventional wisdom. “Bloom where you’re planted.” “Wherever you go, there you are.” “A bird in hand is worth two in the bush.” And so on. Those time-honored adages have real value in some situations.
But in my opinion, and in our family’s experience over the past eight years, we can fall prey to the lies behind the truth, so to speak, if we aren’t able to see and push past the unnecessarily confining limits of these adages.
For example, we can believe that just because it can be good to “bloom where you’re planted,” it’s therefore never good to plant yourself elsewhere. Or that just because “wherever I go, there I am,” it’s never a good idea to take myself somewhere else. Or just because “a bird in hand CAN be worth two in the bush,” it’s never wise to go for the two in the bush. It’s these lies that lurk behind the truths inherent in these adages that can keep us from pushing forward into a more fuller expression and experience of the life we were made to live.
“If Things are Still This Way Five Years from Now…”
About eight years ago, it had become abundantly clear that no amount of toil, perseverance, or grit was going to yield “green grass” for me and my family in the “yard” we were tending. I had done everything I knew to do to adapt myself to the yard--to become the kind of groundskeeper, so to speak, that could coax green grass out of that soil. I’d picked up and tried every tool I could think of to do my part. We were genuinely thankful for the life that we did have. And still, it was painfully obvious that the grass was barely sprouting, much less displaying any shade of green.
Sometimes, toil over time produces good things in a person. For me though, that effort over the course of almost 14 years with very little green grass to show for it--in the ways that were most important to us--was breaking me down, not making me better and stronger.
In the full episode, Charis shares what evidence she saw in me that supported this conclusion and other indicators, too. Suffice it to say, I was LESS of the man she married after years of trying to bloom where we were planted. And it was becoming unpleasant enough for our family that eventually she acknowledged to herself that if things were still this way in five years, “we” were going to have a big problem.
It was during this time that adages like “the grass is always greener” and “bloom where you’re planted” haunted me. If that conventional wisdom was so full of real wisdom, then why was I so miserable?
We Found Greener Grass. So Can You.
Thankfully, we found a new way forward before that looming five-year mark! Eventually, with Charis’ support, the support of my first-ever coach, and the discovery that courage is a choice, I began giving myself permission to acknowledge that where we were planted was never going to produce green grass for us. We needed a change.
Ep. 003, How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto, tells more of that story and the single defining moment that kicked us out of the yard we were in to search for greener grass.
And guess what? We found it.
And so can you.
With this one caveat. You too can find greener grass...if, in fact, greener grass awaits and you’re not simply trying to escape the discomfort of tending the soil and doing the work to produce greener grass right where you are. Because sometimes, remember, the old adage is right-on, and we can succumb to the lie that if I just had the yard next door, all would be well. Then you move into that yard, and guess what--the next yard over looks just a bit better than yours. And so on. That’s a recipe for chronic dissatisfaction, instability, and making only a fraction of your potential contribution in the world.
I don’t think there’s really such a thing as a “geographic fix” or a “job fix” or any other “fix” we might pursue as a silver bullet for the discomforts and challenges of life. This is what the common understanding of “the grass is always greener” warns us against seeking. But I DO think, in many cases, there are such things as significant geographic “improvements” or job “improvements.”
In our case, greener grass really did await. And it’s been a BIG improvement.
Now the Grass Stays Effortlessly Green and Lush! Uhhh...
Wouldn’t that be nice? Ain’t so. In the full episode, Charis and I unpack just how hard it has been to keep our new grass green. In fact, there are ways in which we’ve worked harder and been pushed to greater extremes in this new patch of grass than ever before. Some of our scariest moments as a family have happened in this new yard.
This is one way in which the common usage of the old adage again proves true--namely, that green grass doesn’t just magically appear and stay green.
But we have never--not for one nano-second--looked back with regret that we came in search of this greener grass. Because in this soil, our toil actually produces green grass.
And, we’ve found, green grass yields more green grass. Both my and Charis’ professional lives have blossomed. We are both making a bigger difference in the world in ways that are clear and measurable and immensely rewarding. We’ve both found untapped potential within ourselves, learned to tolerate failure better, and become more willing to take risks. Our boys are thriving. Every day is a battle of one sort or another. But it’s a battle we’re glad to fight because we see day by day it's advancing us further into the lives we were uniquely made to live.
As we’ve walked farther and farther out on the proverbial limb, step by scary step, we’ve found that the limb holds.
Ha. I’ll stop there on that point--before I mix in too many other metaphors!
So Was the Old Yard a Waste of 14 Years?
Quite the opposite. I learned SO much in that period. The pressures from within and without provided the heat necessary to teach me some critical lessons about myself, life, and the way the world works. Absolutely invaluable lessons. I share a couple of those in the full episode.
It’s another example of how our Story and our Purpose are inseparable.
I don’t know that we’d be in the green grass we now enjoy--personally and professionally--if we hadn’t first tried to produce green grass in our old yard.
But What About You? How’s Your Grass?
If this episode is speaking to you--if something in you is stirring because you know deep down that there is greener grass for you--then Seize. This. Moment. Do SOMETHING today--even just one thing--that will get you moving in the direction of that greener grass. It’s not just for your benefit, BTW, as important as that is.
When you move courageously toward your greener grass, you begin a transformation from one version of you to an even fuller expression of the person you were made to be. And that’s good for EVERYONE.
Cultivate Your Greener Grass More Quickly, Together
My purpose as a coach is to help you live the life you know you were made to live. I can help you find YOUR greener grass. Connect with me on Facebook, email me, or visit my website for more options.
Go here to learn about Graveyard Group masterminds--where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work.
If You Liked This Episode, Check These Out, Too
- Ep. 003 | How to Turn Your Imperfections Into Superpowers: The Key to Unlocking Your Unique Purpose
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
- Ep. 014 | Dare to Dream Again: The Antidote to a Mediocre Life
- Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
- Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
Connect with Charis
Email | Instagram | Website
Remember, you are going to die. But you’re NOT DEAD YET. So get after it!
Subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review!
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
What does seven years of suffering reveal to a man about life and what matters most?
This episode is a firsthand report from the front lines of intense suffering. My guest, Matt Wilks, invites us into some of the darkest moments--including his own dark night of the soul--the triumphant moments, and much more in between.
Matt’s story is, of course, uniquely his. In a way, though, his story is also OUR story--the story of humans sharing the same "blue marble" of a planet for a brief span of time in the vast timeline of humanity--with all its painful lows and thrilling highs. And in Matt’s modern-day story, we find ancient wisdom for living our most fulfilling and meaningful lives as humans on planet earth.
Introducing Matt Wilks
Matt Wilks is a physical therapist by trade who today serves as VP and Chief Rehabilitation Officer for Sheltering Arms Institute --a cutting edge inpatient rehabilitation hospital in Richmond, VA. Matt and I met in college many moons ago, and we’ve reconnected in the past several years through a mutual friend. His wife, Amy Caroline, and their three kids live in the Richmond, VA area. And he is one high quality human being, in my book! Tune into the full episode to get to know Matt better; I think you’ll agree that he’s one high-quality human being.
A Staggering Timeline of Suffering
The Wilks’ family’s timeline of suffering began seven years ago, when Matt’s wife, Amy Caroline was diagnosed with melanoma. Then, his son, Hayes, was diagnosed with bone cancer and began a fierce fight for his life. Next, Matt began experiencing debilitating physical and neurological symptoms. His body was shutting down, and the possibility of ALS hung in the air. Then, almost unbelievably, Amy Caroline had another bout with melanoma, surgery to remove a benign thyroid tumor, and was diagnosed with breast cancer. Then, Matt’s dad (70) and one of Amy Caroline’s closest family members (54) received alzheimer’s diagnoses.
Let that sink in.
I still can’t quite wrap my brain around it. I do know, though, that this unfathomable degree of suffering brings (in my mind, at least) an immense amount of credibility to all of the lessons for living that Matt shares in this episode.
Tune in to the full episode to hear Matt fill in the finer brush strokes that bring that timeline to life in human terms.
Connecting Some Dots of Love and Mercy
In the course of recounting Hayes’ cancer battle--which Matt identifies as the central struggle for his family during the past seven years--Matt reminded me that he, Amy Caroline, and Hayes crossed paths with my sister and brother-in-law in the very earliest days of Hayes’ cancer battle and in the midst of my brother-in-law’s own cancer battle. Holly and Brian visited with Matt, Amy Caroline, and Hayes in NYC closely following one of Brian’s major cancer-removal and orthopedic reconstructive surgeries. The comfort and encouragement that Holly and Brian shared were so deeply meaningful for Matt and his family in that moment and helped them know that they weren’t alone.
Matt shares that this experience of receiving comfort from others who were suffering was repeated many times over in the course of Hayes’ cancer battle.
My brother-in-law’s cancer battle had a HUGE impact on my life, too. In fact, this podcast is a direct result of how his struggle shaped me. Tune in to episode 001, You’re Dying: How to Make the Most of It for the rest of that story.
There’s Love Beneath the Waves
One of the most moving parts of this episode for me is Matt’s description of one of the darkest moments he experienced during Hayes’ cancer battle. He calls the experience his own “dark night of the soul”--lying in bed in the middle of the night, alone with his fears that Hayes’ cancer had come back. And in those hours, Matt searched for something--anything--that was solid and he could cling onto. He found nothing, and eventually all he could do was lie there and breathe--and “that, only barely,” he recounts. Then, he began to be aware of a presence with him, steady and unwavering, and enabling him to keep drawing breath. He found “Love beneath the waves.”
The discovery of this “Love beneath the waves” has given Matt the ability to live and love with greater guts, gusto, and abandon than ever before--no matter how choppy and storm-tossed the seas are on the surface.
The Beauty of Simple Moments
In the midst of all the suffering, Matt has developed the habit of lying in his hammock in a certain spot in his yard, with a good book and a favorite cocktail as his companions, the breeze on his face, and the dappled sunlight filtering through the tree above him. The suffering, Matt says, has helped him to truly relish life’s good things, life’s sweet moments. In a way, even as the suffering has deepened Matt’s spiritual experience of life, it has also paradoxically amplified his appreciation for the material world.
Ancient Wisdom
This juxtaposition of the spiritual and the material in his own experience has made the book of Ecclesiastes one of Matt’s favorite sources for wisdom. He recognizes in its ancient lines the lessons he’s learned in his modern-day story of suffering.
Other Takeaways from Matt’s Story
- Who am I, and whose am I? For Matt, the answers to these questions determine if we have a “rich” life or a “poor” life much more than our own interpretation of “rich” and “poor.”
- Receive each moment as it comes to you and for what it is--no less and no more. Don’t cling to the moments or demand that good moments last forever.
- Our individual stories are hid within a much larger and longer story. Our suffering connects us with the billions of humans that have suffered before us.
These are some of the nuggets of ancient wisdom that bubble up for me from this modern-day tale. Tune in to the full episode to see what bubbles up for you.
All is Well
I’m glad to report that Amy Caroline, Matt, and Hayes are all doing much better these days. Amy Caroline’s breast cancer treatment has gone well. Matt’s symptoms have dramatically improved. And Hayes has almost reached the 5-year mark since beginning treatment, a major milestone related to his longer-term outlook.
What About You?
If you’re above ground and breathing, you’ve already suffered in one way or another. Maybe you’re suffering right now. You are not alone. If you’re not suffering in a particular way right now, let me be the bearer of difficult news: Suffering will come again in one form or another, sooner or later. And then there’s Death--and as Coroner Rob Ryg reminded us in episode 018, it never comes when we’re expecting it. Life isn’t all suffering and death, but as Matt mentioned in this episode, our Western “developed” cultures don’t equip us to suffer or related to Death very well. Which is one reason why here on Andrew Petty is Dying, we intentionally embrace our Mortality to find motivation to become the people we were made to be and live the lives we were made to live.
If you’re suffering now, how can Matt’s story help you persevere in your suffering and find the love beneath the waves? If you’re not suffering right now, how can Matt’s story motivate you to live with more guts, gusto, and abandon now?
Let’s add a little more heat: If you knew with 100% certainty that you would die 5 years from today, what would you start doing differently today? Whatever it is, DO. THAT. THING.
A Powerful Partnership for Your Journey
My purpose as a coach is to help you live the life you know you were made to live. I can help you leave it all out on the field of life. Connect with me on Facebook, email me, or visit my website to learn more. Check out Graveyard Group masterminds--where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work.
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Like These, Too
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts, Gusto, and Abandon
- Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
- Ep. 014 | Dare to Dream Again: The Antidote to a Mediocre Life
Subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher, and leave a review!
On the flight path of your life, what keeps you from reaching your desired destination most often? There’s one culprit that all of us can relate to in one way or another at one time or another. And it’s time to deal with it.
A Story to Set the Stage
I plopped down in my aisle seat and breathed a sigh of relief. It was a tight connection between flights, and the sweat beading on my brow was evidence that I had hustled to make this one. I even had to pass up Chick-Fil-A in the food court to make it. I HATE missing a chance to eat Chick-Fil-A. But, I acknowledged very maturely, that’s a first-world problem, and my podcast IS about avoiding deathbed regrets and living my best life now. Missing Chick-Fil-A once surely won’t make the list of things I regret when the grim reaper comes to collect my bones. Again, I congratulated myself--very mature and reasonable of you. I’m really practicing what I preach!
As the cabin crew conducted their final checks before departure, I glanced around like most of us do to get the lay of the land, people-wise. Any toddlers likely to vomit without warning, scream inconsolably, or kick the back of my seat for the whole flight? Nope. Nice. Any unrepentant extraverts just waiting for me to unwittingly meet their gaze so they could engage me in hours of uninterrupted, stream-of-consciousness small talk? Hmm, none that I can detect. But keep your guard up, I told myself--they’re growing stealthier every day.
(Apologies to all the extraverts out there, BTW. No offense meant. Just the honest internal dialog of an introvert desperate seeking some sweet, sweet “I” time, as my extraverted wife and I call it.)
As my own pre-flight people check continued, my gaze landed on the occupant of the aisle seat just opposite me. Her attire instantly identified her as a member of the flight crew--or at least a member of a flight crew. Another few seconds of quick--and hopefully not too creepy--peripheral scanning of her attire told me that she was, in fact, a pilot. She had just started casually browsing through a People magazine--the kind of brainless reading that a lot of us indulge in when traveling by air. Just something light and amusing to pass the time, we tell ourselves.
This was one of those moments when my introversion masquerades as extraversion--my curiosity compelling me to create a conversation that I ordinarily wouldn’t if nothing about the person had stood out to me. But I’ve always felt like a starry-eyed kid in the presence of pilots and soldiers and firefighters--people who do things on a daily basis that, from my perspective require unusual skill and courage and whose actions have huge life-and-death consequences on a routine basis.
“Are you deadlegging?” I asked, leaning into the aisle a bit and converting my mildly creepy peripheral scanning into an intentional attempt to engage. I also secretly hoped that “deadlegging” was the right term--one I thought I’d heard used before by flight crews referring to catching a ride as a passenger on one flight to make it to another flight when they would be on duty.
“You mean deadheading?” she corrected.
“Oh, heh,” I chuckled. “Yeah, that’s it.” Damn it, Petty, I thought, that’s what you get for trying to borrow another profession’s lingo like it was your own.
“No,” she replied. “I’m working this flight.”
My confusion must have been obvious, because she followed up with, “Why do you ask?”
“Well,” I started, “I thought your uniform meant you’re a pilot, but I guess I was wrong. Are you an instructor or evaluator or something?”
“Nope, I’m the pilot.”
“Wait. The plane can fly itself? With you sitting back here?” I asked, wavering between disbelief, confusion, and amazement.
“Oh no,” she replied. “Technology’s amazing these days, but this aircraft still needs me to get us all where we’re going.”
“Soooo…Ok, I’m super confused,” I confessed. “You’re the pilot. The plane can’t fly itself to our destination, but you’re sitting here in the cabin with the rest of us. What am I missing?”
“Huh,” the pilot responded. “Weird. I guess when you put it that way, it does seem kind of strange. Maybe I’d better go check on things in the cockpit.”
With that, and a bit of a startled look in her eye, she got up and began to make her way to the cockpit.
An Identity Crisis
Ok, full disclosure, if it’s not already obvious: The story I just told you never actually happened. But it sets the stage for the question I want us all to consider today. And here it is:
Are you sitting in the cabin when you should be in the cockpit?
Because here’s the thing: Each of us IS in fact the pilot of our own lives, whether we’re more often found seated in the cabin or in the cockpit.
By definition, no one else CAN be the pilot of our lives.
Maybe like me, you believe that a Higher Power is making your flight possible in the first place, intervening at critical junctures, and orchestrating your flight path from start to finish--like cosmic Air Traffic Control. Even so--even if you appeal to and depend upon a cosmic Air Traffic Control--only you can throttle up the engines of your life, point your plane in the direction you want to go, and take off.
But many of us spend way too much time sitting in the cabin with the passengers--ignoring or hiding from our pilot’s duties.
And when our “flight” is delayed or lands at the wrong airport or hits unexpected turbulence, we point the finger at everyone but ourselves.
Do you see yourself in your pilot’s uniform when you look in the mirror?
Or have you demoted yourself to passenger and left the cockpit empty?
It’s time to promote yourself, and move from the cabin to the cockpit--where you really belong.
MY Identity Crisis
It takes one to know one, as they say. I spent many years unaware that I was wearing a pilot’s uniform and had full access to the cockpit. I spent a lot of time looking for OTHER pilots to fly my plane--my parents, mentors, friends, therapists--all the while failing to realize that the pilot I was looking for was me.
That pattern persisted well into adulthood. It was flying under the radar in my life--undetected, but wreaking havoc on my flight plan all the same.
There are a lot of factors that led to me adopting that MO in life. Things from my childhood, some of the ways that I’m hardwired, my lifelong coexistence with Anxiety, etc.
None of those are excuses, though--just factors that I allowed to shape me into more of a passenger than the pilot of my own life. And it’s less important that I understand all of the factors than that I take the steps necessary to promote myself to my proper position as Pilot.
Bonus Thought / Quick Rabbit Trail
Quick sidenote: I love the title of Tony Robbins’ autobiographical documentary--I’m Not Your Guru, because I think, implied, is this subtitle: Be Your Own Guru. That’s what I’ve discovered--my search for someone to play a guru role in my life got in the way of finding and following my unique flight path in this life. It’s great to seek counsel--to consult a navigator, a co-pilot, to communicate with Air Traffic Control--but in the end, only I can actually fly the plane.
Ancient Origins
My personal take on the origins of this passenger / Pilot problem also includes an observation about human nature that is at least as old as the biblical story of Adam and Eve. Regardless of how you relate to that story--as historically accurate, just a useful moral teaching, pure myth, or something else--I think it’s super enlightening that when God first confronted Adam and Eve for their violation of His commands, Adam’s immediate response was that Eve made him do it.
“Hey look,” he’s claiming, “this lady--that YOU made, BTW, God--this lady is the pilot of the crazy plane that got us in this spot in the first place. She’s the one to blame! I was just a passenger!”
“Oh really?” I can hear God thinking, amused. “So you’re just a poor little passenger on a crazy plane flown by a crazy pilot that you didn’t even ask for in the first place, huh? Poor little helpless Adam!”
Then Eve takes picks up the “poor me” baton and continues with the nonsense: “The serpent tricked me, God! ME! Poor little trusting Eve! That vile serpent--that YOU created, BTW, God--IT told me it would be ok.”
It’s easy to look at that story and go, “C’mon Adam and Eve, you knew what you were doing. Stop trying to shift the blame.”
It’s easy to see through this same blame-shifting strategy when one of my boys blames his brother for why he hasn’t yet brushed his own teeth.
It’s a little harder to see it in ourselves, though. Because OTHER people may do that--and come to think of it, I see it all the time--but I certainly don’t play that game.
Ha. Really?
I’m not looking for a debate on the origin and validity and value of the story of Adam and Eve. I AM asking you to look at the world around you and to peer deeply into yourself and see if you don’t bump into the same blame-shifting, self-demoting, self-protective impulses at work. Keeping you and others you know from fully assuming their proper role as Pilot of their own lives.
And folks, this passenger mindset keeps us from flying the one and only life we’ve got as beautifully, as creatively, as far, and as high as we can.
Man, I think that’s a tragedy.
My Promotion from Passenger to Pilot
A turning point for me came when I encountered a psychological framework called Transactional Analysis. This framework landed on my mental runway at just the right time--thank you, Air Traffic Control. I’m not a psychologist or a son of a psychologist, but the quick and dirty description of Transactional Analysis is a way of understanding social interactions between people and evolving toward healthier patterns of relating. A specific application of Transactional Analysis, though, called the Drama Triangle, was the proverbial mirror that allowed me to see myself for the first time as a Pilot masquerading as a passenger.
And wow--it was a shock. After the initial shock wore off--think weeks, not minutes, hours, or days, merely--I began to take some of my first intentional steps up the aisle of the cabin toward the cockpit.
Today, I’m more fully situated as Pilot in the cockpit of my life. And the view and the ride are WAY better up here. I’ll admit it can be a bit more nerve-wracking up here, too. We don’t get to sit in the Pilot’s seat without also seeing the instruments that report systems’ status and the distant flash of lightning in our flight path. Unlike the passengers, though, as Pilot, we have the freedom and the power to respond to instrument warnings and storms on the horizon. Passengers can only hang on for the ride.
Are You a Passenger or the Pilot?
Do you need to promote yourself from passenger to Pilot? You can take that first step today by simply acknowledging that fact. That’s your first step up the aisle toward the cockpit. Don’t stop until you get there. And once you get there, fly the plane of your life with all the skill, guts, gusto, and abandon that you can muster.
The Flight Path from Here
I HIGHLY recommend checking out the Drama Triangle--for your own evolution and the wellbeing of your most cherished relationships. It rocked my world in the best possible way. Here’s a good place to start.
If you have realized that you need to promote yourself from passenger to Pilot, first of all, know that you’re not alone! And, I can help you. I’ve made the transition myself, and I work on it with my clients every week as they become the people they were made to be and live the lives they were made to live. Email me, message me on Facebook or Instagram, or visit my website for more options.
If This Episode Helped You, Listen to These, Too
- Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
- Ep. 014 | Dare to Dream Again: The Antidote to a Mediocre Life
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher and leave a review!
What does a coroner know about life and death that we don’t?
For starters, my guest today, Rob Ryg, says that his 17 years as coroner have shown him that death never comes when you expect it to. Which begs the question, “so if I don’t know when I’ll die, how do I live today?”
Rob digs into that question from the perspectives of his own recent encounter with Mortality, his faith, and his experience as coroner to help the rest of us live with more guts, gusto, and abandon now.
This conversation is a coroner’s report from the front lines.
Introducing Roby Ryg
Rob’s work begins when someone else's life ends, suddenly and tragically. He has stood in the sacred, grief-filled gap between the living and the dead hundreds of times. He's been privy to moments of courage and grace in the face of loss...and also there when those left behind come unhinged. He's heard what the grieving regret most. He knows better than most of us the havoc that Death leaves in its wake. It's that perspective that we tap into in this episode to gain fresh inspiration and motivation to do today what we keep putting off until "tomorrow." To put living the lives we were made to live on the front burner TODAY.
Lest you're tempted to tune out because this conversation sounds like too much of a downer, I've got good news: You'll come away encouraged by Rob's life-affirming perspective--pardoxically, cultivated from hundreds of encounters with Death. Because paradoxically, our relationship with Death is really about our relationship with Life, and by intentionally confronting our Mortality now--before we have no choice--we train ourselves to live with greater guts, gusto, and abandon. So don't tune out. Tune in, way in. And let this conversation about Death bring you even more to Life.
Along the way, Rob shares how his faith comes into play. If you tune into the audio version of this episode, I hope the spiritual parts of the conversation will prompt your own spiritual reflection and introspection. Because for we humans, there are perhaps no topics MORE spiritual than life, death, and what happens next.
Rob and I were just acquaintances before this conversation. I can tell you after this conversation, though, that if I were ever to die suddenly and tragically, I would want Rob to be the guy to comfort my family and tend to my newly-vacated mortal coil. He has a calm and direct way about him, a gaze that holds yours firmly AND gently, and a heart for people above all. He also had his own intense encounter with Mortality just three years ago, so he speaks with a credibility gained from personal experience--not just experience gained on the job.
Here are a few of the big ideas and takeaways from this episode:
- Rob’s 3 Big Questions For All of Us:
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- Where did I come from?
- How do I get the most out of this life while I’m here?
- What happens when I’m gone?
- Death never comes at the right time.
- You’re not ready to live until you’re ready to die.
- “I wish…” statements are one of the most common things for the loved ones of those who died to express. “I wish I’d told him what he really meant to me.” “I wish I’d spent more time with him.” “I wish I’d pushed him to get more help.” Etc… Do something TODAY to shorten your “I wish…” list!
- The truth always wins. For example, in this case, the truth of our Mortality. We can try to suppress or avoid that truth, like holding a beach ball under water, but it will always eventually pop up and hit us in the face.
I hope you’ll tune into the whole episode because these bullet points don’t do justice to the depth of wisdom and insight that Rob shares!
Rob’s 3 Big Questions: Make them Personal, Make Them Matter
Let's take a minute to let the 3 questions that Rob shared ring in our ears and sink into our hearts and minds. How do YOU answer those questions? For some of you, these questions are familiar because for one reason or another--whether wiring or necessity or some of both (like me!)--you've wrestled with them consciously. For others of you, maybe these questions feel annoying or really uncomfortable, and you'd rather not give them any more time or energy than you already have just listening to this episode. Or maybe you've genuinely never given them the time of day--and not because you're avoiding them, but just because they haven't come up for you. No matter which of those people you are...if Rob is accurate, and these questions and their answers have real-world implications--if they actually have a huge influence on the way we live day-in and day-out, then it makes a lot of sense to answer them for ourselves. Where did you come from? How do you get the most out of this life while you're here? And what happens when you're gone?
You ARE Going to Die: So Create the Life You Were MADE to Live
My purpose as a coach is to help you deploy your unique purpose in the world. Connect with via Facebook, my website, or email. I'll help you create the life you know you were made to live. Go Here to learn about Graveyard Group masterminds--where you tap into the power of your mortality to become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live.
If you haven’t already, subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher and leave a review!
Connect with Rob Ryg via email.
If This Episode Helped You, Tune In To These, Too
- 001 | You’re Dying: How to Make the Most of It
- 004 | Do It Now Before It's Too Late: A Raw and Unfiltered Conversation With Husband, Father, Chef, and Cancer Warrior, Patrick Ayres
- 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- 014 | Dare to Dream Again: The Antidote to a Mediocre Life
If you’re looking for more “balance” in your life, then I’m sorry to say that you’ve come to the wrong place. I’m not your guy. I think our modern pursuit of “balance” is for the birds, and I think there’s a much better way.
What We Really Want
If you’re anything like me--like most humans, in fact--you’d like a little more balance in your life. My coaching clients frequently want more balance in their lives. What I mean when I say “balance” is similar, I think, to what a lot of us mean if we’re really honest: Freedom from stress and strain, to weather the ups and downs and corkscrews and constant demands of life with unflustered grace, calm, and ease, to become an impregnable fortress of serenity that nothing and no one can topple or disturb.
We’re tempted to think that if we can just crack the code on “balance,” it’ll be smooth sailing from then on and we’ll be impervious to future stress, strain, and fatigue--floating zen-like in an unflustered way through life.
The Real Failure
There are plenty of respected, respectable, and prominent voices out there telling us that balance IS achievable. This three-part formula or that 6-week course will help you achieve the balance that you desire AND deserve.
Persuaded that “balance” is not only desirable but also attainable, we beat ourselves us up over the fact that we’ve failed to achieve it. And then we re-double our efforts. Maybe with a few tweaks here and there, a little more yoga, a perfected morning routine, a great journaling practice, sticking to my nutrition plan, etc. etc….Maybe then I will indeed achieve a rarified state of balance that makes me serenely impervious to all that life might throw at me.
I think our real failure, though, is not a failure to achieve balance. I think our real failure is believing that balance is possible in the first place.
We’re chasing a mirage that always stays just out of reach. And we can spend a lifetime chasing the mirage--trying to rise permanently above the gritty, grimy, unpleasant, and dangerous parts of life--all the while forgetting to actually live.
Can you relate to this longing for balance?
Life is hard, and it can be exhausting--even in the best of times. We want some rest. We want some relief. And if that relief could be sustainable, even permanent? Well that would be amazing!
The Problem With Balance
The problem, though, is that our desire for permanent relief--for uninterrupted balance--doesn’t match the reality of life as a human being on planet earth. Life continually exerts unbalancing forces upon us.
On a normal day in a normal week for many of us, life as a human being on planet earth includes some or all of the following: Our Significant Other wants and needs us. Our kids want and need us. Our job wants and needs us. Our health needs attention, our house needs some TLC, and our friends want to be with us, too.
Those are just a few of the normal and good things competing for our time and energy. They create tension in our lives, if you think of tension in the purest sense: a strained state or condition resulting from forces acting in opposition to each other. Add to those normal things some of the other, less welcome things that can create tension in our lives, and you’ve got a system under sometimes enormous stress and strain: sickness, injury, economic uncertainty, job loss, and social unrest, for example. How about a global pandemic? That’s fun. And let’s not forget our old and our ancient foe, Death--who never shows up at a good time or when we expect it. It’s easy to feel pulled in a kazillion different directions even on a very average day.
Strive for Balance...Get the Opposite
It’s really interesting to me that some of the people I know who strive the hardest for balance in the midst of all of these tension-inducing forces are also some of the least peaceful people I know.
I’M that guy when I try to pursue perfect balance and someone or something threatens to unbalance me.
What’s that about?
My hunch is that the relentless pursuit of balance produces very much the opposite. That any semblance of balance achieved is so fragile and fleeting that we can actually become hostile to anyone or anything that threatens it. And intensely unhappy at the same time with the fragility of the balance we’ve achieved.
A Better Way
When the balance that we want doesn’t match the reality of life as a human being on planet earth, then we have at least a couple of options: We can ignore reality and demand irrationally that it bend to our will. We can keep chasing that mirage. OR, we can accept reality and find a better way.
I vote that we accept reality and find a better way.
So, let’s stop chasing balance and commit to getting better at managing life’s many tensions, instead.
Bridges: A Metaphor for a Better Way
Bridges are amazing structures. They allow us to cross formidable gaps by successfully managing two forces--tension and compression. Engineers have devised various ways of managing these forces over the millenia. No engineer, however, has ever devised a way to eliminate these forces altogether. For a bridge to span the gap from “here” to “there,” tension and compression must be successfully managed 24/7. In fact, the bridge is ABLE to span the gap because of those forces.
I think this is a great metaphor for what it’s like to live in the real world. We’re like a bridge--constantly encountering and redistributing the forces that act upon us to bridge the gap between where we are and where we want to go. Sometimes we do that well. Other times, not as well. Unlike the unattainable mirage of perfect balance--which will always remain just out of reach, no matter how hard we try--we CAN get better at managing life’s tensions. Like a bridge, we can upgrade our engineering in response to the many forces acting upon us.
I like the idea of putting my time and energy into something I can actually get better at when I put in the work.
BTW, have you ever seen video of a bridge undulating violently in the wind? Massive concrete and steel structures actually convulsing and rippling and even breaking apart when certain wind conditions exploit flaws in their engineering. Weaknesses in their ability to encounter and redistribute the focus action upon them. It’s unbelievable to watch.
I felt like one of those bridges a couple times this week, in fact.
Tension’s Here to Stay
There’s always tension in the system, so to speak. It’s not going away as long as we’re above ground and breathing. And in my experience, if we stay in the game, the amount of tension in the system only increases over time.
When we stop and really think about it, like in the case of the bridge, it’s good that these tensions exist. We feel pulled between our work and our family, for example. It creates tension. But we would never want either one of those sources of tension to go away forever. So our best option is to actively manage the tension that’s created by the two opposing forces pulling on us. Sometimes that might mean giving more attention to your family and less to work, or vice versa. I can make those adjustments and redistribute the forces acting upon me when I’m consciously and actively engaged in managing those tensions. A bridge actively absorbs and redistributes the forces acting upon it in real-time, all day long--like wind and water and traffic. But if I’m insistent upon achieving balance--if I’m insistent upon life cooperating with certain very specific conditions in order for me to be okay--then the slightest source of imbalance is an existential threat.
A Simple 3-Step Process!
So here’s your three-step process to becoming a master at managing life’s tensions...
Ha. Just kidding. I think you know it doesn’t work that way.
Managing life’s many tensions is the ongoing work of a lifetime. As you train yourself to stay in the tension rather than flee toward some elusive, unattainable notion of balance, you grow in your ability to manage the tensions more and more effectively. And as you grow, life will inevitably add more weight to the bar. Then you’ll put in the work to upgrade your engineering in response to those new forces.
Busted!
The myth of balance? Busted. Commit to the work of managing life’s many tensions instead. As you do, day by day you will become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live.
More Mileage from the Metaphor
Let’s see if we can squeeze some more mileage out of this bridge metaphor...What kind of bridge are you? How do you know? What conditions are you made to function in best? What kind of maintenance do you need, and when? Who’s on your maintenance team? Do you need other people on your maintenance team? Do you need to let some of your maintenance people go? Do you need other tools to keep yourself in good working order? Do you have unnecessary sources of tension in your life--creating tension that you aren’t meant to have to manage?
A powerful coaching partnership helps you answer these and many other foundational questions so you’re even better equipped to manage life’s many tensions. It’s one of my greatest joys as a coach to support people in this part of their journey.
Let’s Talk
You and I might be a good fit to do this work together. Let’s talk! Email me, or visit my website for other ways to connect.
In the meantime, check out these other episodes of Andrew Petty is Dying for more insight and tools to manage life’s tensions:
- Episode 010 | Life is a House with Many Rooms: Would Your House Pass Inspection?
- Episode 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
Remember, you are going to die. But you’re NOT DEAD YET. So get after it!
Subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher, and leave a review!
What if one question could revolutionize your life right now?
You might be thinking, “whatever, Petty--you and all the other schmucks out there pitching silver bullets and fool-proof lifehacks.” I get it; that’s my response, too, to promises of instantaneous life change. But--and again, I realize this is what they all say--this is different. Stay tuned to see if I’m full of it or if there’s really something useful here.
Fair warning: At face value, the question I’ll share is simple, but using it to change your life is far from easy. It takes guts and commitment. So buckle up, buttercup--you might just be on the brink of something extraordinary.
Wait. Why Are We Doing This? Oh right.
More often than not, it takes a life-or-death crisis to wake us up to the fragility of Life and the inevitability of Death. Sometimes, when confronted with such a crisis, we make dramatic and durable changes. That happened to me, and I share that part of my story in episode 001: You’re Dying: How to Make the Most of It.
But I think it’s tragic to wait until crisis strikes to make those changes. By then it’s often a case of too little, too late. So I created this podcast to help us all develop the habit of proactively confronting our Mortality to harness its motivational power RIGHT NOW--before crisis strikes and we’re left with no choice. To let regular contemplation of our Mortality keep what matters most on the top of our minds. And to assemble a toolbox that helps us put this mindset into action in the real world.
Then, we can make more mindful choices in the moment about how we spend our time, with whom, and doing what, and we get the kick in the butt that we usually need to bring our best gifts into the world today rather than the ever-elusive “tomorrow.”
If It’s Hard for Them...
All of the guests on this podcast have had shocking encounters with Mortality. And each of them attests to the fact that it’s STILL hard for them to remember what matters most and keep the main thing the main thing. If it’s hard for them, then it’s going to be way harder for any of us who haven’t yet had such encounters.
BUT, with practice, we can approximate the effect of a real encounter with Mortality by consistently and proactively confronting our Mortality. For me and for you listening today, this podcast is part of that consistent practice.
Tools for Your Toolbox
Hopefully, you’ve tuned in to some or even all of the episodes so far. Hopefully, you’re catching on to the power of this rare conversation and taking first steps toward some real-world changes in your life as a result. But there can be a big gap between buying into a concept and knowing how to act on it here and now. So, all of the solo episodes I’ve produced so far provide you with tools for bridging the gap between concept and application. Tools to help you become the person you were MADE to be and live the life you were MADE to live. Today’s episode equips you with another tool for your toolbox. And it might be the most useful one yet.
This is a Message Just for Us
BTW, I’m not at all sure that a podcast like this or a tool like the one I’m going to share with you today would make much sense in many other parts of the world--where because of poverty, famine, war, and other menaces, Death is a daily part of Life. For those of us in the “developed” First World, though, we have the mixed blessing of being pretty insulated from Death. It’s not usually all around us. But the downside of that insulation is that we lose sight of Mortality and slip into auto pilot. As Joe Harsel said in episode 11, “being on autopilot robs us of life.” When Death does show up, we’re shocked--as if this unwanted visitor was somehow going to skip us.
And those of us in the developed “First World” face another problem that many others in the world don’t. Where others have a scarcity of opportunity, we often have a glut of opportunity. In the face of so many options, we often take the path of least resistance and settle into lives that fall well short of our unique purpose in the world. When we do that, we’re robbed of the incomparable satisfaction of doing what we were made to do and the rest of the world is deprived of your greatest gifts.
Who Will You Be?
Let’s not be counted among those who are surprised when Mortality shows up. Let’s be counted among those who greet it with, “Hi, I’ve been expecting you” and can honestly say that we did everything we could to leave it all out on the field of life before Death arrived.
Get Where You Want to Go More Quickly
Before we turn the corner in this conversation and move on to the question that changes everything, I want to say this: Embracing the “mortality mindset” that this podcast champions can change your life. But nothing is as transformational as enlisting a trusted, confidential, objective partner to help you do that. That’s what I do as a coach. I bring my curiosity, gifting, training, and genuine desire for you to be all that you can be to a powerful partnership that gets you where you want to go more quickly than you could on your own. We talk. You gain insight. You put your insight to work in the real world. And step by step, day by day, you transform yourself into the person you were made to be. It’s not magical, but it is absolutely effective.
We can do that 1-1 in a variety of ways, and you can also enlist a small group of confidential partners and my focused input as your coach to help you in that journey. The Graveyard Group is a mastermind I’ve created that helps you operationalize this mortality mindset on a regular basis. You meet weekly with your five fellow group members to work on the big stuff--the stuff that would become your biggest deathbed regrets if you didn’t take care of it now. Not whether you should buy the blue or the red truck--as important as that might be. But how you mend the broken relationship. How you fulfill the dream you’ve always had but haven’t had the guts to pursue yet. How you become the dad to your kids that you never had when you were growing up. Just like 1-1 coaching, it isn’t magical--it’s messy and non-linear, just like life--but it simply works.
No one’s out there looking for a life coach. I’m not even interested in finding a life coach for myself. But I AM very interested in getting even better results in my life in a few key areas. And 1-1 and group coaching are super-efficient and effective ways to get those results.
You and I might be a great fit to work together. The Graveyard Group might be just the thing you need right now to get where you want to go. Visit digdeepwinbig.com to learn more about both of these.
Without Further Ado: The Question That Changes Everything
Many of us are familiar with a question like, “What would you do if you found out you only had six months to live?” Our responses usually include get our affairs in order, spend quality time with those closest to us, check off some bucket list items, enjoy more sunsets, etc. It’s a fast-paced farewell tour before we ride off into the eternal sunset.
I think an even more interesting and useful question, though--and the tool I want to give you today--is this:
“If you knew you were going to die exactly 5 years from now, what would you do differently today?”
The Value of 5
With five years to live, we’ve still got bills to pay, a roof to keep over our head, food to put on the table. We can’t just have an extended farewell tour. We can’t just prepare to die because there’s still a fair amount of living to do.
This 5-year timeframe clarifies priorities, prompts us to take “risks” that we’ve been reluctant to take, and reveals ways in which we’ve been frittering away our lives unprofitably. With five years to go, we have some runway we can use to write an exceptional end to our earthly story.
Alternatively, of course, we could circle the wagons and hunker down, fearfully waiting for the inevitable. What a tragedy!
But for most of us, I think that the 5-year death sentence would light a white-hot fire under us to get after it.
So What About You?
What would you do differently now if you knew you would die exactly five years from today? Would you spend more time with your spouse and kids? Would you leave the job you hate and find the one you want? Would you finally prioritize your health? Would you reconnect with that best friend you’ve lost touch with?
Whatever your answer is...why not do it NOW? Stop and let that sink in. What is keeping you from doing those things now? We usually act as if tomorrow is assured. And it is NOT.
You may have 25 years, 5 years, or only one day left. Whether we will die isn’t in question. It’s simply a matter of when and how.
Here’s the question again: “If you knew you were going to die exactly 5 years from now, what would you do differently today?”
This question will change everything if you let it.
Tackling New Challenges Created By This Question
If you have the guts to begin asking yourself this question and acting on your answers, you’ll be in for an exhilarating ride. AND, you’ll invite some other tough customers into your life in a new way--like fear, doubt, and new kinds of discomfort. As I said at the beginning, this simple question can revolutionize your life...and it’s far from easy to follow through on your answers. A few other episodes of Andrew Petty is Dying provide tools for mastering fear, doubt, and discomfort:
- If fear is getting the best of you, listen to episode 005: How to Become the Boss of Your Fear.
- If you’re tempted to feel like you don’t have much to offer, listen to episode 003: How to Turn Your Imperfections Into Superpowers.
- If life’s stiff winds are threatening to sink your ship, listen to episode 012: How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go
I’m rooting for you, and I believe you have what it takes.
Remember, you are going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher and leave a review!
Connect with me by email, or visit my website.
Many of us are living life in the shadows--reluctant to step into the bright light of life lived in pursuit of our unique purpose. By staying in the shadows, we lead mediocre lives and deprive the world of our best contributions.
Jono Belz lived in the shadows for a while, too. But not anymore. And his story will inspire you to step out of the shadows, too.
In addition to the fact that I just find Jono super-interesting--and who DOESN'T like listening to an Australian accent!--I wanted to you to meet Jono because his story illustrates so well 3 themes that I hit on often in this podcast and that I hope you're taking to heart more and more:
- First, our Mortality is an incomparable motivator to bring our best into the world.
- Second, our story and our unique purpose in the world are inseparable.
- And third, if our Mortality is an amazing motivator, then giving our inner child permission to play again as adults is a master key to unlocking our best in the world.
Keep your heart and mind open for whatever this episode has in store for you--and pay special attention to these three big ideas. And since this podcast exists to help you live the life you were uniquely made to live--not just to fill cyberspace with more podcast clutter--I'll extend a challenge to you: Let Jono's story motivate you to connect one or two more dots between YOUR story and your unique purpose in the world.
Meet Jono Belz
Jono gained fluency in Mandarin Chinese after just one year--a feat that normally takes English-speaking Westerners 8 years or more. In fact, China's Global Times reported that Jono Belz learned Mandarin faster than any other Westerner on record.
That accomplishment is one fascinating chapter in the story that Jono has written with his life so far. Other chapters include an unfortunate run-in with a cricket bat that led to his first encounter with Mortality as a nine-year-old and a second shocking encounter with Mortality just 4 years ago. Listen to the episode to hear the full account of these experiences and their impact in Jono’s life.
Today, Jono is the founder of Belz Family & Associates, an investment and advisory business that leverages “family office intelligence” to build meaningful relationships between Australia and Greater China. This entirely new kind of endeavor is the current manifestation of Jono’s commitment to step out of the shadows, step into the light of his unique purpose, and put his story and his purpose to work in the world.
Jono’s experience over the past 15 years covers investment banking, capital markets, private equity and family offices, spanning New York, Hong Kong, Shanghai and Australia. As a fluent Mandarin speaker, Jono has facilitated complex relationships and transactions between China and Australia, and is passionate about improving the cross-cultural experience.
Prior to founding Belz Family & Associates, Jono held the title of Investment Manager at the CEO Office of Victor Smorgon Group. In this capacity, he was instrumental diversifying the business’ China growth strategy. Before that, Jono was an Executive Director of Goldman Sachs in both Hong Kong and Sydney, where he was pivotal in developing key relationships in Asia and Australian family offices.
Jono holds a dual-degree in Law and Economics (Honours) from the University of New South Wales, Sydney, and successfully passed the highest level of official Chinese fluency exams (HSK VI) in 2014.
BTW, I met Jono through my friend and past guest on this podcast, Phil Kohn. Check out Phil’s episode, More Alive Than Ever: How Pain Points the Way to Purpose.
Starting at the Top
We kick off this episode--after a lighthearted cultural bridge-building exercise I called “Stereotype Busters”--with Jono’s explanation of what he does professionally today. Then, we “read” the story of Jono’s life from back to front to discover how Jono’s life story has led him to this point today--where he is fulfilling his unique purpose in life more than ever before.
Highlights in Jono’s Storyline
- Escaping Tyranny, Surprised by Hospitality: Jono’s grandfather fled the Nazi’s persecution of the Jews in 1940 and spent the next five years in China’s “Shanghai Ghetto.” His grandfather remembered fondly the kindness of his Chinese hosts--poverty-stricken though they were. This was Jono’s family’s first contact with the Chinese culture.
- Cricket Bat 1 - Jono 0: At 9, Jono fell on his cricket bat and broke his femur. As he recovered in the hospital, he met a young girl that he really enjoyed but who was really sick. Then one day, the young girl wasn’t there any more. Her death was Jono’s first encounter with Mortality, and it changed him. Tune into the full episode to learn more about the impact of that experience.
- Boys Don’t Play the Flute! Jono picked up the flute as a young man and was often encouraged to switch to an instrument more stereotypically associated with men. But he persisted, and at 13 Jono decided to change schools--and found a place that, among other things, affirmed and supported his love for the flute without judgment. In hindsight, Jono sees that playing the flute gave him a huge advantage as an adult when he learned Chinese.
- Wall Street Blues: As a “successful” Wall Street investment banker, Jono found that “success” was doing more harm than good. Stress and anxiety were taking a toll, and his body was manifesting that toll in strange ways. He began looking for an off-ramp from the Wall Street rate race and a way to differentiate himself in an over-populated field. His sights turned toward China.
- Best Westerner Ever: Jono began learning Chinese while in NYC. Progress was slow until, a year later, he was able to move to China for work. There, within a year--and with the significant advantages acquired as a flutist--he earned the distinction of gaining fluency in Chinese faster than any other Westerner on record. Flutists rule! The cognitive challenge taught Jono a ton about the way his brain works, and his best learning began to happen when he stopped trying so hard, let go, and focused on the learning rather than the final destination. The learning process also reconnected Jono with a part of his inner child that simply took pleasure in learning and being immersed in a new pursuit.
- Losing Dad: Jono’s dad had historically been the very picture of health. Then, in 2016, he contracted a flu-like illness--eerily similar to COVID-19, in fact. His condition worsened to the point that he entered the hospital--where, no more than 36 hours later, he died. It was a massive shock and a seismic loss for Jono. As his grief spun off intense self-reflection, Jono decided to come out of the shadows and into the light of his unique purpose--fueled by and guided by his story. Jono’s second tragic encounter with Mortality motivated him to start doing investment banking the way he really wanted to--with the emphasis on relationships, community, transparency, and cross-cultural bridge-building. Belz Family & Associates was born!
What Can Jono’s Story Teach Us?
As Jono has allowed his story to guide him to a clearer understanding of his unique purpose in the world--focused and sharpened and accelerated by his encounters with Mortality--today he's creating bridges between cultures through the vehicle of business. In Jono's business model--informed by his life's story--as businesspeople from vastly different cultures experience business success together, they also forge bonds of friendship and mutual respect.Those are bonds that transcend borders and nationality and religion and political ideology. And that is world-changing stuff.
Your story can change the world, too, right where you are. Do you believe that? You are the One and Only You. There never has been anyone just like you, and there never will be again. Borrow a page out of Jono's playbook: Tune into the truth of your existence and follow where it leads you. Don't take your best stuff to the grave. And don’t wait for a major life crisis to get started right now, right where you are, with what you have.
Remember, you ARE going to die. But you're not dead yet! So get after it.
I Can Help You Fulfill Your Unique Purpose
My purpose as a coach is to help you deploy your unique purpose in the world. Connect with me on Facebook or email me. I'll help you create the life you know you were made to live. Learn more about Graveyard Group masterminds--where you tap into the power of your mortality to become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live.
If You Liked This Episode, Check These Out, Too
Jono mentioned this episode during the interview: 012 How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life. You might also find this one useful: 014 Dare to Dream Again: The Antidote to a Mediocre Life.
Connect with Jono!
Email | Website | Facebook | LinkedIn
Subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review!
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher
On this podcast, we confront our Mortality head-on so we’re motivated to live NOW. Maybe you’ve listened to some or even all of the episodes, and you’re getting more and more pumped to get after it. But maybe you’re also not sure where to start.
On this episode, you’ll learn how to recapture your dreams to discover your very own, unique starting point.
46? Huh. Not Quite What I Expected.
I’m 46, and I feel amazed sometimes that I’m still learning some of life’s most basic lessons. Have you ever felt amazed at that? I guess our amazement at this reality reveals an underlying (and flawed) assumption about what being an “adult” would be like. That at this age, we’d “have it all together.” Well... I’m compelled to admit that I don’t have it all together. Do you?
If you do, please let me know, and I’ll be right over to sit at your feet and soak in all your wisdom. Then I’ll ghost-write your autobiography and we’ll both enjoy early retirements because you’ll give me a very generous percentage of the royalties. Then we’ll write another book together about how to “retire” early because we’re suddenly “early retirement experts.” This time, though, my name will be on the cover of the book, too, and we’ll split the royalties 50/50. Then we’ll be on Oprah and sell the rights to the movie. It’ll be great!
Oh wait. “Retirement” isn’t actually all that awesome. And fame is a tyrant.
Nevermind.
Maturity = Acknowledging Our Immaturity
Although we adults may inhabit grown-up bodies, in some ways--just by matter of degree--each of us still has some of the characteristics of immature children. Have you ever met a 40-year-old child? A 57-year-old child? A 78-year-old child? I have, and in some ways, I am that adult-child.
Maybe one measure of our maturity as adults is the ability to acknowledge the immaturity we still have in adulthood.
That acknowledgment keeps the door open for growth in areas where it’s needed.
A Clarification Before We Proceed
There are very definitely ways in which shedding the immaturity of youth is right and good and enables we adults to contribute in the world in the ways that only adults can. It’s good that we learn how not to throw temper tantrums in the cereal aisle of the grocery store, for example.
However, I think there are many ways in which shedding “childishness” does us more harm than good. This was impressed upon me when, in response to a women’s casual question on a plane regarding my occupation, I replied that I was a coach. And, among other things, I help people “grow up” more completely--by which I meant that I served as a catalyst for helping people assume full responsibility for themselves and the lives they were leading. Her reaction caught me off-guard, though. She retorted instinctively, “I’ll never grow up!” In that moment, my thinking regarding my role in people’s lives as their coach was instantly rewired. I realized that part of “growing up” is actually recapturing some of the characteristics of youth that can get suppressed, squashed, or neglected as adults.
Especially the audacious, unfiltered, unapologetic, un-self-conscious ability to dream.
Dream Like a Kid In a Candy Story
If you’re a parent, you’re very familiar with being in a toy store or candy store or watching an ad on TV with your child and having them ask you, “Can I have that, Daddy??!!” or, “Can I have that, Mommy, please please please??!!” Kids don’t first reflect on whether something would be a wise purchase or be good for them. They see something they want, and they just ask for it.
Can you remember doing that when you were a kid? When was the last time as an adult that you allowed yourself to want something with abandon, like a child would? To dream a big dream and believe that maybe, just maybe, it’s achievable? To tug on the sleeve of God (or the Universe, or whatever / whomever you appeal to in moments of want and need) and ask, “Can I have that please?? Please??!!” I think the willingness to dream big dreams and ask for big things is one of the most tragic qualities lost in most adults as they “grow up” and take their place as “adults” in the world. And that loss means that many of the greatest contributions we could make in the world never see the light of day.
Thanks, Steve Harvey!
I realized this was true of me recently after listening to Steve Harvey share his rags-to-riches story. (He’s got an amazing story, BTW--check out his motivational stuff online.) A big takeaway for me from his story was how clear Steve was on what he wanted in his youth and how enthusiastically he asked God for it.
In Steve’s case, he wanted to be on TV and he wanted to be rich. He dreamed and asked and yearned incessantly and unselfconsciously and with abandon. And today, both of his dreams have come true--beyond all reason and evidence to support that those dreams could actually be realized. Steve is quick to point out that the dream did not become reality just because he dreamed it. He worked and persisted and took advantage of every opportunity that came his way. He was an active, alert participant in bringing his dreams to life. But the dreams came first.
Our dreams aren’t the only thing, but they are the first thing.
Resuscitating "Childishness"
Somewhere along the way, I became very self-conscious of my wants and dreams and learned that it was somehow wrong to want good things for myself and to dream big dreams. I have some awareness about where that self-consciousness and hesitancy came from. But it’s actually less important that I know where they came from than that--once becoming aware of it--I simply resolve to change it, to resuscitate that bit of “childishness” and give myself permission to invite it back into my adulthood. As Steve Harvey said, our dreams are unique to each of us, and they represent things that don’t yet exist in the world but that we could make a reality.
And Einstein is attributed as saying that, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” But we “adults” tend to affirm the opposite and deem ourselves very prudent and sensible for doing so.
Progress Belongs To the Dreamers
It’s hard to recall any significant advancement or movement or evolution of humanity that anyone thought was sensible at the time. Rather, a dreamer or two came along and began to assert persistently that what no one else saw or believed was indeed possible. Jesus. Galileo. Our Founding Fathers. Henry Ford. Gandhi. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. All “dreamers” in their own way who sowed seeds of human advancement in ways that most others thought absurd at the time.
Will You Dare To Dream Again?
I, for one, am daring to dream again. My family and I made “dream boards” together recently for the first time. I have on mine 30 or more big dreams that I’m bringing to God audaciously and without hesitation or self-consciousness. I’m not under the illusion that all of them will absolutely come true just as I’ve dreamed. But I do know that by holding them back self-consciously or trying to right-size or polish them before bringing them into the light, I’m hedging my bets and bringing half-hearted desires into the world. And half-hearted desires yield mediocre results.
I want mind-blowing results. I want the best that this life has to offer, and I want to offer my best in this life. I’m done with half-hearted dreaming.
I’ll say it again: Our dreams aren’t the only thing, but they are the FIRST thing.
There’s a lot of work between our dream and its fulfillment. But there’s no fulfillment without the dream in the first place.
Let Mortality Motivate You
Let’s bring our Mortality into the picture. We’re all going to die. It’s just a matter of when and how. It might be at a ripe old age, or it could be later this very day. Will you invite that awareness into your life to motivate you to take action NOW on the dreams that only you can dream? The dreams that exist only in your heart and mind and no one else’s?
It doesn’t have to be a Martin Luther King-sized dream. Or a Galileo-sized dream. Or an Elon Musk-sized dream.
It’s a you-sized dream, and that’s just right.
Don’t take your dreams to the grave. Go after them with everything you’ve got. Some of them might just come true. Others might not. There’s beauty in their fulfillment, and there’s beauty in the pursuit even when they don’t come true.
Ladies and gents, “tomorrow never comes.” There is only today. Dare to dream again. And take one step today, no matter how small, toward fulfilling your dreams.
If This Episode Was Useful to You, Check This One Out, Too
If this episode was useful to you, check out episode 009, Awaken Your Inner Kid to be the Best Grown-up You Can Be--a Lighthearted and Enlightening Conversation With My 10-Year-Old Son, Macgray. It’ll help you reconnect with your imagination and the wonder and innocence of your youth.
Subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher and leave a review!
Let's Dream YOUR Dream Together & Make It a Reality
My purpose as a coach is to help you discover, enjoy, and deploy your unique purpose in the world. Connect with me on Facebook, email me, or learn more on my website. I'll help you create the life you know you were made to live.
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet! So get after it!
After receiving two medical death sentences, separated by 30 years, my guest on this episode is still surfing.
Rick Kahn helps us learn how to let go and live now, reveals the sneaky downside of hope, and shows us how to embrace life's necessary "little deaths."
His road from dyslexic middle child, high school drop-out, globetrotting spiritual seeker, and high-end custom home builder to the life he lives today based out of a quaint seaside town in Mexico is fascinating at face value. But add to that storyline his two mind-blowing encounters with mortality--and you've got a tale that's packed full of extraordinary lessons and wisdom for all of us.
Meet Rick
Rick is an outstanding executive coach for companies whose products and services we all use every day. He specializes in leadership and communication development for executive-level professionals. His clients include Facebook, Ebay, Cisco, the Stanford Research Institute, Wire, and other Silicon Valley technology companies. As a strategic partner with FMI, the nation's premier full-service consulting firm to the Architecture, Engineering, and Construction industries, Rick provides best-of-class leadership development training to executives and teams.
Eat, Drink, and Be Merry--for Tomorrow...
At 24, Rick was living it up in 1970s San Francisco--bartending and taking in the vibrant music scene as a self-described “Van Fan” (referring to Van Morrison). Then some alarming symptoms took him to the hospital, where eventually doctors gave him a grim diagnosis: colon cancer. What Rick did next took me by surprise: He ignored the treatment protocol prescribed to him and instead doubled down on his life of sex, drugs, and rock’n roll--determined to live his life his way...whatever was left of it.
Then, a couple of weeks later, a nurse showed up at his apartment door with shocking news: He had been misdiagnosed. His symptoms were evidence of a hookworm infestation picked up during several years of traveling and spiritual searching in India before moving to San Francisco. The hookworm problem was remedied, and Rick suddenly found himself with the possibility of years ahead of him instead of only days or weeks.
Simplicity is Bliss. Expectations Bring Disappointment.
Rick left home at 18 as a high school drop-out--tired of living in the long, dark shadow of his older brother’s luminous performances at whatever he put his hands to. This was one of the first “little deaths” that Rick embraced--dying to the ever-present comparison and competition with his brother. He headed for India to find the better version of himself “out there” that he was convinced existed within him--traveling overland via the “Hippie Trail” through countries like Afghanistan and Iran along the way. In India, he learned that “simplicity is bliss, and expectations bring disappointment.” He also rubbed shoulders with the idea of “impermanence”--the temporary nature of joy and sadness, pleasure and pain, etc.
This experience added spiritual and philosophical depth to Rick’s already courage-fueled and risk-friendly orientation to life, so that when the colon cancer diagnosis hit, he resolved quickly to keep it simple, embrace the impermanent nature of both joy and suffering, shed expectations about how everything would turn out, and go out with a bang if that was the hand he’d been dealt.
When he got the news of the misdiagnosis, it bolstered his confidence that he could find his unique path in life.
A New Lease on Life Brings New Focus
Now free of the medical death sentence and rid of his hookworms, Rick began to exercise more moderation on the party scene and put his aptitude for construction to work. Gradually, he built a high-end custom home construction business that flourished until the Great Recession of 2008.
The demolition of his construction business was another one of Rick’s “little deaths”--and it led to a new life based in Mexico, where he and others like him settled down as economic refugees.
Surfing Blind
One day, Rick realized something was terribly wrong with his left eye. While surfing, he was suddenly unable to see well out of it. And then it went dark.
30 years after his first (incorrect) medical death sentence, at 54 Rick was shocked to receive a second medical death sentence: aggressive MS.
And once again, this second death sentence proved premature. A radiologist friend of Rick’s took a second look at his imaging and discovered that the symptoms the doctors initially attributed to MS were actually the result of “artifacts” created during the imaging process: slight movements while Rick was in the MRI machine created the appearance of lesions characteristic of MS.
Takeaways from Rick’s Story
At least several key takeaways emerged from this amazing tale and the way that Rick has used his experiences to shape the course of his life:
- Hope and fear are close cousins. When we hope for a specific outcome, we can also become fearful that we won’t achieve that outcome. Rather than hope for a specific outcome, Rick recommends that we stay present in the here-and-now process of life and allow the outcomes to emerge as they may.
- Expectations are tricky and potentially harmful.
- Goals are useful and important--when we’re able to stay open to outcomes other than we originally envision.
- Let go of the tiger’s tail. If we grasp the tail of life firmly and desperately, we will be shocked when it turns around and bites us. Instead, let go and “be in life now” rather than demanding your life be or turn out a certain way.
- Life is full of good and necessary “little deaths” that open the door to new life. The death of a parent’s approval. The death of other’s expectations. In Rick’s case, the literal death of sight in one eye. Some deaths need to happen so that we can move past them and into the new life that awaits. Don’t resist them. Let them happen.
The full episode has so much more nuance and dialog and depth than these shownotes can ever hope to convey, so I hope you’ll tune in.
Change the World With One Click
If you enjoyed today's conversation with Rick, share it with one other person who you think needs to hear what Rick has to say, too. That one simple step--just a click of your mouse--will help change the world by creating a movement of people committed to becoming the people they were MADE to be and living the lives they were MADE to live. That's what we're up to here on Andrew Petty is Dying.
Get Close Up with Rick!
Here's a special opportunity--limited to just six listeners:
On Wednesday, August 19, 2020, from 4:30-6:00pm Mountain Time, I'll host an exclusive Guest Close-up video call with Rick. If this episode left you wanting more from Rick, then this is the best place to get it! The first six people to throw their hats in the ring will get to join the call. Email me, or connect with me on Facebook.
Connect With Rick
Email | LinkedIn | Website
Learn About FMI, the nation's premier full-service consulting firm to the Architecture, Engineering, and Construction industry.
I Can Help You Leave It All Out On the Field of Life
My purpose as a coach is to help you deploy your unique purpose in the world. Connect with me on Facebook or email me at andrew@digdeepwinbig.com. I'll help you create the life you know you were made to live.
Learn more about Graveyard Group masterminds--where you tap into the power of your mortality to become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live.
Subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher and leave a review!
If You Liked This, Listen to These!
- 011 Embracing Mystery, When to Call It a Day, and What Matters Most: Lessons From an Astonishing Life-After-Death Story
- 012 How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor On the Seas of Life
What do you do when life gets uncomfortable?
Discomfort’s not going away this side of the grave. So we’d better get used to it.
Even better, on today’s episode, you’ll learn how to USE discomfort to become the person you were MADE to be and live the life you were MADE to live.
It Was a Tough Week
I was uncomfortable a LOT this past week. My last episode featured Joe Harsel, a friend and mentor who actually died for 30 minutes 3 years ago after experiencing sudden cardiac death, then remarkably came back to life for no apparent reason. As I said in that episode, that sudden cardiac death scenario is literally my worst nightmare--the scenario that can trigger intense anxiety in me. So it was a pretty big exercise in facing my fears to have that conversation with Joe. So glad we did, BTW--what a story, and so many important lessons for all of us from his experience.
Then, for several days last week, I had weird sensations in my chest that I couldn’t ignore and couldn’t explain. Anxiety began to have its way, and I was mentally and emotionally compromised for the entire day on Friday. Just ask my wife--she’ll tell you.
I finally went to the doctor--and emerged with nothing conclusive. I had to begin practicing what Joe talked about--embracing the mystery and uncertainty of life.
It was a lot of weight on the bar for me, and it didn’t feel great lifting it.
Slowly but surely, though, over the years I’ve been upgrading my relationship with Discomfort. As much as the discomfort of the last week was, well, uncomfortable and honestly, unwanted, I know that it can make me stronger, more resilient, and more prepared for life’s future challenges if I lean into it, harness it, and use it.
What Causes You Discomfort?
I want to pause here for a moment. Anxiety is a consistent source of Discomfort for me. Take a moment to think of one of the most common sources of Discomfort in your life. Call it by name, and keep it in mind throughout the rest of this episode.
Alright. Let’s keep moving.
A Metaphor To Make the Point
I spent two years during middle school in Southern CA in an amazing little beachside community. One of the most exciting things we did as a family during those two years was sail from Long Beach harbor to Catalina Island, one of California’s Channel Islands and a popular tourist destination since the 1920s, when chewing gum magnate William Wrigley, Jr. began developing it. My mom, sister, and I were all new to sailing. My dad was the most seasoned sailor among us, with a newly-minted captain’s license as proof. It turns out, sailing is a treasure trove of metaphors for life. Here’s one of them.
Assuming the vessel itself is seaworthy, a sailboat needs a couple of things in order to serve its purpose: the forces of wind and water. These forces are essential, not optional. Without them, you’re not sailing; you’re just sitting on a boat. The fastest “point of sail”--i.e. the direction you’re sailing relative to the direction of the wind--is called a beam reach. On a beam reach, you’re sailing perpendicular to the wind, or across it. Often, a beam reach is the most direct way to get from point A to point B. It’s also the fastest point of sail. Simple enough, right?
The funny thing about a beam reach, though, is that it can make for especially rough sailing. The force of the wind blowing across the boat causes the boat to lean over (“heel over”) as the sails catch the wind and convert it into forward motion. The pulleys and cables and other rigging components pop and groan. The sails are stretched taut. The boat travels across the waves, so the bow digs into them, and spray flies across the deck. It’s wet, windy, and noisy.
Same Conditions...Very Different Experiences
As a rookie sailor, I remember the beam reach as an uncomfortable, stressful experience. It didn’t feel okay. Could the boat and the rigging take that kind of stress and strain? Would the boat flip over? Was it really necessary to stay on that point of sail? Why weren't we doing everything we could to make it a more relaxed and peaceful ride?
A more seasoned sailor on the same beam reach, though, says, “We’re good! In fact, we’re better than good. This is the best way to sail to get where we’re going. And this is exactly what this boat is built for.” He might trim the sails a bit and adjust the point of sail a smidge to optimize efficiency, but the seasoned sailor knows that this is precisely how we need to sail to get where we’re going. He sees the wind and water as allies, not threats--necessary forces to get him where he wants to go.
Same forces of wind and water, same point of sail, same behavior of the boat in response to those forces--but two very different perspectives and experiences.
An Easier Way?
There IS a much more relaxing point of sail: "Downwind” keeps the wind at your back. The boat runs with the wind and waves instead of contrary to them. The ride is quiet and smooth and doesn’t require much of the sailor. It isn’t often, however, that your destination and the direction of the wind match so that you can run downwind all the way.
As in sailing, so in life. Rarely (if ever?) do the forces in our lives--family, work, health, our own internal challenges, etc.--array themselves behind us and propel us on a relaxing “downwind” run toward our destination. Much more often, we find ourselves on a beam reach, sailing across the wind and into the waves, all of our physical, mental, and emotional rigging absorbing life’s forces in an effort to convert them into forward motion.
The Choice is Yours
Some moments, on some days, I’m a rookie sailor on the seas of life, fretting about this and that and worried that my ship will flip over or I don’t have what it takes to maintain the beam reach I’m being called upon to sail. On those days, I just want to turn downwind, to relieve the pressure on my rigging and have some peace and quiet. On other days, in other ways, I’m more of a seasoned sailor--monitoring the wind and waves, trimming the sails and adjusting my course to sail a solid beam reach. On those days, the stress and strain of life produce more exhilaration than anxiety. I take the helm with greater gusto and determination and welcome the forces swirling around me as good and necessary to get where I want to go. The wind and the waves and the spray remind me that I’m alive--ALIVE--and I’m fortunate to be the captain of my own vessel on the wild voyage of life.
I go back and forth, and I think that’s pretty normal. But on the whole, if you graphed my overall trend through the ups and downs, I think I can honestly say that I’m becoming a more seasoned sailor. Some of that, at 46, I attribute simply to the passage of time. More of it, though, I attribute to the conscious choice I’ve made to become a seasoned sailor.
Because we really do have a choice, don’t we?
If we agree that the forces life exerts upon us are constant--only varying in intensity--and the way forward involves getting better at harnessing them rather than avoiding them, then intentionally striving to become a more seasoned sailor is the best choice. In the moment, it might feel better and relieve some pressure, but if we make a habit of turning downwind whenever life’s winds blow, we get incrementally off-course. Incremental course deviations over time compound into major waywardness over the years. Trim your sails. Stay the course. Put in the time. Do the work. The seasoning will come.
Seasoned Sailors Know When to Seek Shelter in the Harbor
It’s worth noting that there are times when it is best to let down the sails, take shelter in the harbor, take on provisions, tend to repairs, and rest. There are also times when it’s wise to seek refuge because the wind and waves threaten to overwhelm you. Take a break. Sleep. Go on a vacation. Seek the counsel of a good friend, a coach, a counselor, a trusted spiritual advisor. Hike, walk, run, paint, read, refresh yourself. Part of becoming a more seasoned sailor is knowing when it's time to head into the harbor.
Then, again, as in sailing, so in life: After time at anchor in the harbor, after you’ve re-provisioned or the storm has passed, set your sails and get back out on the wild, uncertain, and (dare I say it?) exhilarating seas of life.
There’s no sailing without the forces of wind and water. And there’s no meaningful progress in life without discomfort.
Life’s Greatest Source of Discomfort: What Will You Do With It?
Know what can be especially uncomfortable? Our Mortality. What are you going to do with that discomfort?
My challenge to you is to let the pressure of your Mortality fill your sails with motivation to live with even more guts and gusto and abandon NOW so that when the ship of your life lands on that distant shore, you’ll be proud of your voyage.
If you’re uncomfortable, good; get used to it!
A Challenge
Which sailor are you today--the rookie or the seasoned sailor? Which one are you becoming? Commit today to becoming a seasoned sailor by upgrading your relationship to life’s many Discomforts and harnessing their power to get you where you’re capable of going.
These Guys Have Helped Me a Lot: Check ‘Em Out
Two people have had an out-sized influence on my relationship with Discomfort, and I want to thank them here and recommend their work to you. I first heard legendary Navy SEAL, Jocko Willink, say “If you’re uncomfortable, good!” And Ozan Varol, in his book Think Like a Rocket Scientist, has a fantastic section on the importance of embracing Uncertainty--an especially challenging form of Discomfort. (I’m sure the rest of the book is good, too--I just haven’t finished it yet!)
Let’s Sail Together: Get Where You Want To Go
My purpose as a coach is to help you discover, enjoy, and deploy your unique purpose in the world. Connect with me on Facebook or learn more at digdeepwinbig.com. I'll help you create the life you know you were made to live.
Subscribe to this podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher and leave a review!
Related Episodes
If you liked this episode, you might also appreciate these:
- Ep. 001 | You’re Dying: How To Make the Most Of It
- Ep. 005 | How To Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
Imagine that you died and came back to life. How would it change the way you lived?
My guest for this episode doesn't have to imagine it. This is the first time that Joe Harsel has shared his story publicly, and if you let it, his story has the power to radically transform how you live. You’ll learn what Joe sees differently, does differently, how he thinks differently, and how he uses gift cards differently. Yep, gift cards. Death seems to change just about everything.
Meet Joe Harsel
I met Joe when I was in high school, almost 30 years ago. He was a leader in Young Life, a Christian ministry to teenagers. Outwardly, I was somewhat of a golden child--athletic, academically gifted, well-behaved, and respectful. Inwardly, though, it was a very different story. Joe came alongside me at this critical time in my life and began to help connect my insides with my outsides, so to speak. I share more about how his investment in my life made a difference in the full episode.
A clear theme emerges when you look closely at Joe's life--no matter which of several different professional chapters you examine: a commitment to investing in and serving others. Joe is a perennial optimist, an exuberant fan of everyone he comes alongside, a devoted husband and father, and someone to whom hundreds owe a deep debt of gratitude--including yours truly. Joe and his wife, Carol, live in Baltimore, MD, and have four grown sons.
Fine One Minute…
...dead the next. That’s what happened to Joe three years ago, as he walked up to his son’s swim meet. A friend said hi, and Joe collapsed headlong--upright and breathing one moment and prostrate with no measurable vitals the next. Remarkably, a man just a few feet to his side was the Maryland state trainer for municipal EMS. He immediately got his medical bag from his car and began CPR. For more than 30 minutes, Joe received CPR, shots of epinephrine, and multiple shocks with a defibrillator--all to no avail. In fact, onlookers said that Joe began to look dead--his skin turning a grayer color and his body cooling.
Carol was riding her bike to the swim meet when she got the call that Joe had collapsed. Friends began to send texts and call others with the tragic news that Joe had died.
Remarkably, just 24 hours earlier, Joe had gotten a good report from his doctor: blood pressure down, cholesterol down, weight down. Everything looked good.
Fine one minute. Dead the next.
Dead One Minute...
...and alive the next. Unbelievably--against all odds--as the ambulance pulled up to the hospital, Joe came back to life. For more than 30 minutes, he had no measurable signs of life, all of the definitive signs of death, and none of the prolonged efforts to revive him had ANY measurable effect. And yet there he was--alert and talking.
What Happened??
The medical term for what Joe experienced is “sudden cardiac death”--in other words, the heart suddenly and catastrophically stops working. This is different from a heart attack, in which case a blockage prevents blood from reaching the heart. Only 6% of sudden cardiac death victims recover, and most of those have significant neurological impairments upon recovery because of oxygen deprivation. In addition to being an odds-buster simply because he revived, Joe’s case is even more remarkable because he has very little, if any, lingering problems from the episode. He did have a stint put in to address an occluded “widow-maker” vessel and a defibrillator implanted in the event of another episode. It wasn’t totally clear sailing after the episode, but he was ALIVE.
What word would you use to describe Joe’s experience? Miracle? Anomaly?
Embracing Mystery and Other Lessons
Shortly after Joe’s remarkable recovery, he and Carol agreed that they wouldn’t push to understand or explain what had happened right away. That they would instead embrace the mystery of his experience. This is a key takeaway from Joe’s story for all of us. Life has moments of mystery that defy all of our abilities to define, explain, categorize, or analyze--despite our best efforts and most earnest desires to understand. Life is simply wilder and the list of possible woes and tragedies much longer than we want to acknowledge. Joe and Carol have grown more comfortable with the discomfort of NOT understanding. This, in my opinion, demonstrates a humility in the face of a terrifying experience that all of us can stand to learn from and integrate more into our own lives.
If Joe’s story teaches us anything, it’s that some things in life defy our every attempt to understand them. And attempting to explain them is a desperate bid to regain a sense of control where, in fact, we have very little--if any.
How comfortable are you with mystery in your life? Or do you demand that everything has its place, its category, its explanation? Challenge yourself to open up to life’s Mystery. This relationship with Life aligns much better with the reality of Life and builds your courage muscles in the process. See Life’s wildness with your eyes wide open...and live!
Other key takeaways include:
- Relationships matter most. Many people immediately began to travel to Baltimore when they heard that Joe had died--not knowing that they would arrive to instead find him alive! Rather than attending Joe’s funeral, they had a visit with him in-person. And Joe basically received a sort of verbal obituary from these folks. They recounted the many ways that he had impacted their lives and expressed their deep gratitude. As he had more of these visits, Joe realized that thankfully, his life had been well-lived and well-invested up until then. In fact, he realized that had his life ended then, he would have been pleased with the life he lived. All because of the relationships he’d invested in and made a priority his whole life. Today, relationships are all that much more important to Joe. Any time he has a chance to come alongside someone--especially someone he’s already invested in--Joe seizes the opportunity. And if there’s any solace in the face of life’s terrifying unpredictability--its defiance of our attempts to create A + B = C formulas for living--it’s to be found in the comfort and safety of meaningful relationships with others. And it’s in that context that the wildness and mystery of life can be experienced and honored without it doing us in.
- Be okay with calling it a day. Today, Joe is much quicker to call it a day if he’s simply losing steam--trusting that the next day will bring fresh energy and insight. And, Joe asserts, it’s pretty much always the case. My takeaway from this is simply to trust yourself--what your heart, mind, and body are telling you. Loosen your white-knuckled grip on productivity, and live to fight another day.
- Stay laser-focused on the here-and-now. Joe’s new awareness of the wildness and unpredictability of life--the list of possible woes and tragedies that are possible has grown much longer--has led him to become hyper-focused on the here-and-now. It is, after all, all we’ve got. The past is history, the future is anybody’s guess. But right now? That’s real.
- And more...Tune in to the full episode to capture all of what Joe’s story has to offer you. There’s a lot more.
We’re All Going To Die. But Are You Living?
It’s not often that we have the chance to learn what matters most in life from someone who actually came back from the dead. What part of Joe’s story will you allow to change your life? We don’t need to live in fear of Death. But, let’s not try to ignore or avoid it, either. Instead, let’s wake up, acknowledge that it’s coming, and do what we can today to become the person we were made to be and live the lives we were made to live.
You are the One and Only You! There never has been nor will there ever be another human exactly like you. You matter. Your life matters. Your time on this blue and green cosmic marble we call Earth matters.
You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
Feeling Motivated? Strike While the Iron’s Hot.
My purpose as a coach is to help you discover, enjoy, and deploy your unique purpose in the world. Connect with me on Facebook or learn more on my website. I'll help you create the life you know you were made to live.
Subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher and leave a review!
Connect With Joe
Instagram | Twitter | Email
If You Liked This Episode, I Think You’ll Appreciate These, Too…
- 005 How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- 006 The Nine Lives of Lise Leroux: One Woman's Mind-blowing Tale of Living With a Terminal Diagnosis
If the Life Inspector (I’m sure it’s a thing!) stopped by unannounced today, would the house you’re building with your life pass inspection?
I had a completely different episode in mind up until about an hour before I recorded it. But a phone call with an old friend and some kite flying with my family changed all of that.
What Changed?
I got off the phone a little while ago with a friend I hadn’t connected with in a long time. Before he was a friend, though, more than 25 years ago he was a mentor, an encourager, a believer in the future Andrew--well before I had begun to learn to believe in myself. 3 years ago, he had a mindblowing encounter with mortality...that I’m not going to tell you more about now because I’m hoping he’ll be a guest on this podcast sometime in the very near future. For now, the point is not his story but the impact that the conversation with him had on me.
When I got off the phone, I went downstairs to find that my wife had just returned from running errands and was assembling two kites she’d bought to fly with our boys.
She’s awesome.
But after the phone conversation with my friend, I immediately found myself conflicted. I could say “hi” and then head back up to my office and get back to work. Or, I could go fly kites with my family. I still had plenty of work to do. Maybe even work that on one level, I should do.
In that moment, though, I was more aware than ever of the extraordinary value of ordinary moments. Of how precious and fleeting life is. Of how I probably wouldn’t ever look back on my life and be glad that I passed on kite flying in order to crank out some more emails.
So, I went kite-flying.
Not What You Might Expect
And this is where you might expect me to report to you that it was one of the most magical and delightful and carefree moments we’ve experienced as a family. That this one decision and the time we spent together in the park were life-altering game-changers. And that I recommend that you should go kite-flying--literally or figuratively--whenever you have the chance, no matter what.
But that’s not what I’m here to report, and that’s not what I’m here to recommend. It was a nice break, and it was fun flying the kites, and it was a beautiful day, and I’m glad we did it. But the boys lost interest pretty quickly, and the wind was spotty. Soon, my wife and I lost interest, too, and the moment had passed.
Two Moments
While we were still flying the kites, though, I looked over at my wife and was struck by my gratitude for her, and I walked up behind her and held her tight. Then she leaned into me, and we started talking about how moments like these were “living,” and the rest of our time is occupied with life maintenance activities--things that keep a roof on our head and food on the table and so forth. And then, how that’s really a false distinction--”living” vs. “life maintenance.” We didn’t get that train of thought much further along before everyone had fizzled and was ready to go home. The kite-flying diversion was pleasant, but those brief few moments with my wife were memorable.
And then I got to walk home hand-in-hand with my 8-year-old, and along the way he told me a riddle about green glass, and I tried to solve it. When we got to our front walk, I pulled a few rogue weeds and kept working on the riddle while he plopped down in the hammock on our front porch. The kite-flying excursion was nice enough. But the precious moments with my son were beautiful.
The Big Idea
Here’s the big idea I want you to chew on from this story--and surprise, even though it came out of the kite-flying experience, it’s not about the kites:
Life is like a house with many rooms.
The kitchen has a purpose, the bedrooms have a purpose, the bathrooms have a purpose, the den has a purpose, the home office has a purpose, the game room with the ping pong table has a purpose, and so forth. We spend some time in each of those rooms in the course of a day for different purposes. We nourish ourselves with food prepared in the kitchen. We prepare ourselves for the day in the bathroom and visit it occasionally throughout the day when nature calls. We sleep and make love in our bedrooms. We relax and unwind in the den after a long day.
But it would be odd to spend the whole day in the bathroom. Or the whole day in the kitchen without using any other rooms. Nor would we understand a house that only had laundry rooms in it. Someone who spent all his time in the game room without visiting the kitchen or bathroom from time to time would soon find herself in a world of hurt.
What kind of house have you built with your life?
Here are some exaggerations to make the point…
Is it a house full of home offices, where all of the best time and energy are given to your livelihood while your partner or kids wait for you to emerge to give them whatever scraps of you are left? It is full of game rooms, where there’s a huge emphasis on fun while the bills are stacking up unpaid in the mailbox? Are there too many bathrooms full of mirrors in your metaphorical house--where you spend too much time attempting to perfect the version of you that the world sees and not enough time actually living in the world?
I hope you’re beginning to get the point here. My kite-flying decision was a decision to spend some time in the game room with my family, so to speak. My conversation with my friend helped me make that choice in that moment instead of the choice to bang out more emails. And along the way, I had some special moments with my wife and son--both of which are now written in permanent ink in our hearts and not even Death can take away.
Then, time in the game room came to a close, and it was time for my wife and I to spend some more time in the “home office,” and my boys spent some more time in the game room--this time on devices. Because it’s summer--and summer is awesome when you’re a kid.
Next, my wife made dinner (yes, that’s our consensual arrangement--not some sexist holdover from a bygone era!), and I kept working. I’m honestly not sure what my boys did next. I’m hoping my wife knew!
We Can Feel Conflicted Because...There’s a Conflict!
I mentioned earlier that when I was presented with the choice to fly kites or work more, I felt conflicted. That’s because the choice I was making was between two good and necessary rooms in my house, so to speak. There’s a tension there. On this occasion, fueled by my conversation with my friend and a fresh perspective on mortality, I decided to take a break from the home office and spend time in the game room instead. On another occasion, I might very well make the opposite choice and be equally glad I did. There’s no silver bullet here, and I’m no master at this. But, especially by tapping into the power of our Mortality, we can avoid complacency and spend quality time in each room of our house.
What to Do? Well...
Don’t be a one-room kind of guy or gal. Don’t wait until retirement to step out of the office and have fun in the game room--only to find that the fun has passed you by. Don’t neglect life’s important nuts and bolts by lounging in the den too long--only to find that your literal house has been repossessed. Give each of the rooms of your house their time and their due.
OK, I think I’ve driven that metaphor to the very end of the runway. I hope you’re picking up what I’m putting down.
House Inspection Time!
What room in your house is being neglected--or maybe doesn’t even exist at all? Share your response on the post for this episode on Facebook.
Let’s Work On Your House Together
My purpose as a coach is to help you discover, enjoy, and deploy your unique purpose in the world. Connect with me on Facebook or learn more on my website. I'll help you create the life you know you were made to live.
Subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher and leave a review!
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet! Become the person you were made to be, and live the life you were made to live.
Do you remember what life was like when you were 10?
It can be hard to recall how we felt, what we thought, what concerned us, what excited us, what we dreamed about, and what confused us at 10 years old. But make no mistake, there was plenty going on in our heads and hearts back then.
So what, you might ask? How does that possibly matter to me today? Here’s at least one big reason: Our hopes and dreams when we were a kid were some of the first and most important clues to our unique purpose in life. Somewhere along the way, many of us forsake those “childish” dreams in order to “grow up.” Often, it’s not a conscious process but rather an accumulated string of influences and decisions and experiences that leads us to discard our childhood dreams and embrace counterfeits, instead. To drift gradually but surely away from the truth of who we were uniquely made to be and what we were uniquely made to do in the world. I believe that this drift--this loss of integrity--leads to many of the most destructive ills that we experience as adults and, when multiplied across individuals throughout society, contributes to many of the worst woes we experience in humanity. Rampant mental health challenges, ravenous greed at the expense of others, relational meltdowns, chronic health challenges that result from coping badly with our loss of integrity, destructive forms of competition, and much more. Aligning our real-world lives with the truth of who we really are and who we were made to be is world-changing work.
I had been wanting to capture a kid's perspective on life and death and dreams and aspirations, and Macgray was already really eager to be on the podcast. So, we seized the moment. It was a blast to do. If nothing else, I have a precious snapshot of my son at 10. But I believe there's something here for you, too. This lighthearted but enlightening conversation will take you back to more innocent, less-jaded, less life-encrusted years--when most of life still lay ahead of you. I hope it touches you and encourages you to let your inner 10-year-old--the part of you that was full of wonder and curiosity and simplicity--back into your life today just a little more. See the world through Macgray’s eyes, and let that experience awaken your inner kid so you can be the best adult you can be.
First, Removing a Speedbump
A quick but important note before we dive into the episode: Part of this conversation is Macgray talking about his dream of being a police officer when he grows up. As I trust you'll see, it's the normal aspiration of a young kid to have a specific kind of job when he grows up. Because this episode is airing in the midst of an especially intense time of racial discord triggered by police brutality, though, I thought it was important to mention. Racial injustice is an absolutely critical issue of the highest order--it's just not what this episode is attempting to address. I hope this disclaimer heads off any mental or emotional speedbumps you might have encountered without it and clears the way for you to receive whatever this episode has in store just for you.
Meet Macgray
Macgray is one of the coolest, most interesting kids I know. Yeah, I’m biased. Oh well. He’s a gear-head and an aspiring cop. He keeps a pretty stoic exterior where his feelings are concerned, but his waters run deep. It was Macgray who said, “Death brings meaning to life”--the quote that kicked off the very first episode of this podcast. He laughs easily at himself and his innate desire to serve and protect causes him to run toward the fire rather than away from it. He’s also goofy and likes to dance, and he knows what interests him and couldn’t care less about stuff that doesn’t. When he was two, he stared closely into the baby monitor camera in his room and, in response to me saying “hello” through the monitor, said, “Whatcha doin’ in there, little fella?” After getting absolutely shelled in goal during one soccer game, he recovered from a meltdown, finished out the half (heroically, in my opinion), then played his heart out and encouraged his teammates on the field in the second half. He is a man in the making, and I love him deeply. It’ll be so much fun to see what mark he makes in the world in the years to come. I think you’ll get a sense for the fun, deep, quirky little dude that I get to call my son when you listen to this episode. So without any further ado, it's my pleasure to present the world through the eyes of my 10-year-old son, Macgray!
Serve & Protect
For about four years, between the ages of 3-7, Macgray was a firefighter-in-training. He put on his turnout gear in the morning, kept it on all day, and ran his own drills to increase his speed putting on and taking off his turnout gear. He loved, lived, and breathed everything firefighter-related. Then, as he shares in this episode, one day he picked up a toy revolver and stuck it in his turnout gear--a gun-toting firefighter. In his mind, this moment represented his gradual transition from a firefighter-in-training to a cop-in-training. Ever since then, for a couple solid years, it’s been all about law enforcement. The obvious theme here, is serving and protecting those in danger or any kind of trouble. His favorite position to play in soccer was even goalie--protecting his team from getting scored on. My wife and I never encouraged him to pursue these interests. These preferences bubbled up out of him because they reflect his fundamental, innate wiring--the kind of human that he is. It remains to be seen how all of this plays out in adulthood, but at this point, it’s hard to imagine Macgray following a path that didn’t somehow have a “serve and protect” emphasis--and involve a lot of cool gear!
Macgray’s innate impulse is to serve and protect. He was born with it. What innate impulse were you born with? Do you remember? Is that impulse honored and used in your life today?
First Encounter with Mortality
In February of 2019, Macgray’s younger brother, Marshall, had a febrile seizure during a bout with the flu. My wife found Marshall breathing erratically and unresponsive in his bed around 9:45pm. It was super-scary. Macgray watched the whole thing unfold from his top bunk--first us and then EMS working on Marshall. Thankfully, Marshall made a speedy and full recovery. But Macgray remembers that moment as the scariest one of his life so far. He later shared during a parent-teacher conference that he felt like he became “less expressive” about how he was feeling after that episode--an important insight for us as his parents regarding just how traumatic that experience was for him.
Terrorists and Targets
I was really surprised to hear Macgray say that he wishes there weren’t terrorists in the world today. I didn’t know he had any real awareness of terrorism and those who perpetrate it. But he does. And it registers in his impressionable young mind. When I asked him what he wishes that adults knew about what it’s like to be a kid, he responded that we need to be aware that kids are “targeted” by others in unkind ways. I was struck by that language. It seemed to reveal a sense of vulnerability and exposure that I didn’t know he experienced. Being a kid must feel kind of scary, sometimes.
What fears and concerns do you remember having as a kid? What fears and concerns might your kids have today that you’re unaware of?
The Rest of the Conversation
Tune in for the rest of the conversation--which eventually found its way to Macgray’s affinity for ducks! Who would have guessed. But that reflects the wonderful spider-webby quality that a kid’s thinking can have. It was intriguing to get inside Macgray’s brain for a while and see things through his eyes.
Awaken Your Inner Kid!
What part of your 10-year-old self do you want to let back into your life today just a little more? Like me, somewhere along the way did you learn not to want big things and chase big dreams? Or maybe someone told you when you were young that you would always be thus and such or never be this or that? What happened when you were around Macgray's age that's still holding you back today? What happened when you were Macgray's age that has actually contributed to your success?
You are the One and Only You. There's never been anyone exactly like you, and there never will be again. Let your inner 10-year-old speak truth to you about your unique purpose in life, and dare to heed what you hear.
If You Liked This Episode, Check Out These, Too
If this episode spoke to you, you might also enjoy Episode 3, How to Turn Your Imperfections into Superpowers, and Episode 5, How to Become the Boss of Your Fear--both available at andrewpettyisdying.com or wherever you listen to podcasts.
My purpose as a coach is to help you discovery, enjoy, and deploy your unique purpose in the world. Connect with me on Facebook or email me. I'll help you create the life you know you were made to live.
Subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher and leave a review!
In the prime of his life, Phil Kohn was suddenly forced to wrestle with issues of physical pain, emotional anguish, and the reality of his Mortality. Today--because of his trial--he is more alive than ever.
How do you relate to discomfort, challenges, and suffering? Our relationship to those things determines what we will produce in our lives. In Phil’s case, courageous vulnerability has allowed him to turn his pain into a deeper understanding and deployment of his unique purpose in life. Phil’s story can help you learn to do that, too.
Phil’s ensuing health saga wasn't something you'd wish on your worst enemy, but remarkably, it kicked off a complete life renovation for Phil. Today, Phil defines what it means to be alive very differently. When I listened to the recording after the interview to prepare it for release, I was so impressed with Phil's depth and breadth and authenticity. He's the sort of guy that you realize might have some of that genius quality about him, and he's got a really cool humility to go along with it.
This episode is loaded with insight and application for life that Phil has mined from the past seven years of struggle. It's a lesson in personal courage, resilience, mastering pain, and discovering your unique purpose in life. Some of you may even be able to relate to the specifics of Phil's health battle, and if so, I know you'll be encouraged and inspired to press on. I hope you get as much out of it as I did.
Meet Phil Kohn
Phil Kohn worked as an investment banker on Wall Street and Sydney, Australia. Then he traveled the world building international lottery partnerships for a publicly-traded lottery ticket and gaming business. His fast-paced life in finance hit a brick wall in 2013 when a battery of complex chronic illnesses took hold. His life flipped on its head, Phil decided to become an entrepreneur--with his first business launching out of his Beijing apartment. Phil has since transformed into a Mandarin-speaking, ultra-health-conscious individual who is currently training in Neurodynamic breathwork while co-hosting a new podcast on breathwork called The Breath Circle. He also just wrapped up the pilot season of StratosCast - a podcast highlighting changemakers on the frontiers of health and wellness (click here for the soon-to-be-released season finale episode discussing tools to hack resilience and promote creativity and curiosity in life). During the day, he advises and coaches business founders while also building a conscious media business called Myndful. He and his partner Miranda currently live in New Mexico.
Brick Wall to On-ramp
In 2013, Phil was based in China--living the dream, as they say, a young man making his way in the world adventurously and with plenty of financial reward. Then a sudden bout of food and water poisoning put him on his heels and in the hospital and kicked off what has now become a seven-year health saga that includes chronic Lyme disease, mold and heavy metal poisoning, and significant mental health challenges. It has been a really rough road, to say the very least. Over time, though, the proverbial “brick wall” has become an unlikely on-ramp to a completely new perspective on life and what matters most.
Where the On-ramp Has Taken Him
There’s no way to sum up Phil’s seven-year journey of suffering and renewal in these shownotes. The full episode itself can’t do that. But we can tease out some of the major transformational points that have emerged so far for Phil so that we can learn from his story.
The three most powerful transformational points that jumped out to me from my conversation with Phil are his new relationships with vulnerability, pain, and control.
Vulnerability: Finding Strength in Weakness
His physical plight forced him to demonstrate a level of vulnerability that he’d never experienced before as he sought understanding and solutions from a myriad of medical and alternative sources. And he found himself dependent on family and friends for care and encouragement in a way he never had before. It opened him up to deeper relationships with other conscious men and an unprecedented level of commitment to personal growth. For Phil, vulnerability has now become a valuable and trusted approach to living his best life.
How many of us view vulnerability this way? The prevailing culture doesn’t. But Phil’s story turns the conventional wisdom of the prevailing culture on its head, and shows us that vulnerability can be a source of strength and a tool for transformational healing. What he was forced to discover because of the health saga, we can choose to discover ourselves to live an even more impactful life--starting today.
Pain: From Enemy to Companion
Phil’s physical and emotional pain was and still is significant. For a while, he looked for ways to numb or eliminate the pain altogether. As option after option disappointed, he slowly came to grips with the fact that pain was now his companion--albeit an unwelcome one. This acceptance led Phil to discover that by leaning into and exploring the pain non-judgmentally and with curiosity and a TINY bit of love and appreciation--”Thank you, body, for communicating with me so clearly”--the pain actually faded into the background of his life rather than being a big glaring blip on his radar screen. His choice to stop fighting has--paradoxically--led to a substantial measure of relief from the pain.
What is your relationship with pain--whether it’s physical, mental, both, or something else altogether? My experience with life-long anxiety has taught me the same lesson that Phil has learned: Acceptance rather than Resistance is the way forward.
Control: It’s Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be
Phil tells a great story about hurtling down the road in a newly-leased, chartreuse BMW M4--feeling in control at the wheel of the ultimate driving machine going well over the speed limit...and simultaneously realizing that he was truly out of control as a man. That led to an overall reconsideration of what he was and what he wasn’t in control of in life. The ironic destination of his road trip was his first Men’s Circle experience, where he became the unwitting focus of the group’s attention and was first introduced to the healing power of deeper relationships with conscious men. The following day he participated in his first breath circle, followed by two days of 1-1 breathwork sessions — the beginning of a deep exploration into the power of transformational breathwork, a whole new world beyond yoga and pranayama.
Control really is an illusion. There is precious little, if anything, that we can truly, 100% control. We insulate ourselves from that terrifying truth in myriad creative ways. Phil shows us that--counterintuitively--relinquishing “control” is a path to freedom. And for him, breathwork was the starting point for retraining his mind and body to embrace this incredibly simple but very elusive idea.
Phil’s New Path
It’s no hyperbole to say that Phil is a very different man today than he was seven years ago. He's still suffering the effects of his long-standing, complex health issues, for sure--but strangely more alive than ever. Today he seeks to beautify the world through his life rather than (and this is an overstatement for contrast) use or consume the world for his benefit. Meditation, breathwork, coaching, podcasting, and creative collaborations with others similarly orientated have become his new focus. His substantial innate gifts and accumulated experience and expertise are being brought to bear on projects that create deeper human connections and enrich the world. Links and info about some of those projects and ways to connect with Phil can be found at the end of these shownotes.
To get the full benefit of this conversation with Phil, I hope you'll tune into the full episode!
A Challenge, Should You Choose to Accept It
If you are a regular listener to Andrew Petty is Dying, then you are already taking the road less traveled and growing in your resolve to be the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live. Awesome. You're changing the world one day at a time because of that commitment. And even if this is your first episode, there's something in you that knows that you've got more to give.
I've got a simple formula for human change: Insight + Action = Transformation. Insight on its own is energizing and enlightening. But without Action--without actually DOING something differently--we can't achieve the full Transformation that the Insight has to offer us.
So I want to challenge you: What's your biggest takeaway from Phil's story? And what's one thing--just one thing--that you will actually DO differently as a result of that insight? Let's add a little pressure to the equation: If you knew with 100% certainty that you would die 5 years from today, what would you do differently today? Whatever it is, DO THAT THING.
Get More Gold for Living With Phil Kohn!
I’ve got a really cool opportunity for six lucky listeners: The first six listeners to email me will get to participate in an exclusive, live follow-up conversation with Phil on Wednesday, June 17, at 4:30pm Mountain Time, via Zoom. So email me, and if you’re one of the first six, I’ll send you info for how to join this exclusive conversation.
The Graveyard Group: Optimizing Life by Remembering Death
Andrew Petty is Dying is a one-of-a-kind production of The Graveyard Group. The Graveyard Group is all about waking us up to the reality of our Mortality so we find motivation to live with guts and gusto and abandon right NOW. It will evolve over time, and right now, The Graveyard Group primarily exists in the form of small group masterminds--where with five of your peers, you carve out time each week to do the most important work of your life. The work that we know needs to be done but is so easy to put off for days, weeks, and years--and then it's too late. You'll eliminate deathbed regrets and show up better than ever to the relationships and responsibilities that matter most to you. To learn more about The Graveyard Group and how you can join a Mastermind, visit digdeepwinbig.com/thegraveyardgroup.
My purpose as a coach is to help you deploy your unique purpose in the world. Connect with me on My purpose as a coach is to help you deploy your unique purpose in the world. Connect with me on Facebook or email me. I'll help you create the life you know you were made to live.
Connect with Phil
- Phil on Instagram
- The Breath Circle on Instagram
- Website
People and Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
- Raymond Francis’ Never Be Sick Again
- Dr. Joe Dispenza
- Dr. Stan Grof
- Michael Stone’s Neurodynamic Online Breathwork
- StratosCast
- Phil Kohn’s 7WoW
Subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher and leave a review!
If you appreciated this episode, you’ll also like…
- Kites in the Graveyard: Learning to Let Go at the Intersection of Grief & Joy
- How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- The Nine Lives of Lise Leroux: One Woman's Mind-blowing Tale of Living With a Terminal Diagnosis
Remember: You ARE going to die, but you're not dead yet. So live an incredible life!
Allyson Cheney had it all under control...until she didn't.
When she faced a parent's worst fear, she found herself at the intersection of grief and joy, and found freedom in letting go. Allyson's story will move you, inspire you, and challenge you to remember what matters most right now.
Meet Allyson
I met Allyson Cheney a couple months ago when we were both part of the speaker lineup for an event. Pretty quickly, I realized that there was a rare depth and a substance to Allyson. And now after becoming better acquainted with her story, I know that those qualities have been forged in a crucible of tragedy and loss and refined by courage and the deliberate choice to press on. Allyson's courage is on display in the very fact that she's willing to share her story on this podcast--which requires her revisiting the most devastating chapter in her life thus far. And she's willing to do it so that all of us can benefit from what she's learned without first having to go through an experience like hers ourselves. Her encounter with Mortality was unwelcome and unexpected, AND it has instilled in her a new zeal and zest for life. It's no exaggeration to say that Allyson Cheney is more fully alive today than ever BECAUSE of her tragic encounter with Mortality. Or more accurately, because of the way she has CHOSEN to use her encounter with Mortality to deepen and enrich her experience of life. I think that will jump out to you as you hear Allyson's story. Prepare to be moved, to be inspired, to be enriched, and to be equipped to live with more guts and gusto and abandon.
Allyson is passionate about educating women about essential oils and cleaner living across the board. She leads a diverse team of almost 2000 people through her online essential oils and clean-crafted wine businesses, and she has cultivated a supportive community of empowered wellness that meets you where you are. Her core focus is helping the busy, overwhelmed woman simplify the path to a cleaner lifestyle through one-on-one consultation, community, & collaborations. She thrives on breaking the expected mold so that others can be invited to do the same, and live in freedom, authenticity & abundance. Allyson lives in Kansas City with her husband of 18 years, and can most often be found taxi-ing her four children around town, running (literally and figuratively), walking her two doodles, or booty popping to old school 90’s hip hop.
The Hits Keep Coming
At 14-weeks pregnant, Allyson and her husband were shocked to learn that she was carrying twins. Then, the exam room she was in when she learned the news began to buzz with activity from doctors and nurses. Eventually, a doctor explained that they were searching for a membrane that usually separates twins in the womb, but they couldn’t find it. It was a mono-amnyotic pregnancy, and it carried significantly more risk than a “normal” twin pregnancy. Furthermore, they learned, to give both babies every chance to survive and thrive, Allyson wouldn’t be allowed to carry them beyond 32 weeks, and around week 25 or 26 she would be admitted to the hospital for constant monitoring. This was especially shocking to Allyson because all three of her previous pregnancies had been very normal and easy, as pregnancies go. From routine pregnancy check to everything-but-routine in the blink of an eye.
The Waiting Game
With three kids five and under at home and a husband who traveled full-time for work, Allyson was admitted to the hospital at 26 weeks to wait out the six weeks until her scheduled C-section delivery.
The Watching Game
At some point during the hospital stay, doctors noted fluid accumulating in the lungs of one of the twins. It wasn’t particularly alarming at that point, but the watching began. Gradually, the fluid made its way to the baby’s brain as well. Even so, a neonatal neurosurgeon assured them that things would turn out well, that “they would never see him again” (the neurosurgeon, that is).
Delivery Day
“I will never forget the doctor and the nurse coming into our room with big tears in their eyes...There was not much brain left...Something along the way in pregnancy had caused his brain to be severely damaged, and they didn't know if he was going to live.” After delivering both twins, River was doing pretty well, but Archer, the twin with fluid in his lungs and brain, was in bad shape. Tune in to hear Allyson’s full account of what happened next.
The Bewildering Intersection of Grief and Joy
Archer died in Allyson’s arms five days after delivery. In almost the same moment that Allyson shared the news with family and friends standing vigil with her at the hospital, a doctor gave her the exciting news that River’s health had improved dramatically--remarkably at the same time that Archer’s life on earth had ended. In the same moment, Allyson had the joy of a healthy baby on one hand and the heartbreaking death of her other baby on the other hand.
A Decade Later, Kites in the Graveyard and Learning to Let Go
Recently, Allyson and her family--including River, the surviving twin--visited Archer’s grave. And they remembered, and laughed...and flew a kite. “While death and dying and grief are excruciatingly hard...it's not all dark, and there's a lot of beauty to be found. Just like the kite in the graveyard. To the depths of heartache we have felt, it has allowed us to feel equally deeply in the opposite direction...We may yell a little louder, we may cry a little harder, but I guarantee you, we laugh a lot harder, too, we play a lot harder. We value our messy middle, which we're definitely still in, and might always be in.”
What Difference will Allyson’s Story Make in Your Life?
Allyson and her family are more fully and vibrantly alive today because they encountered Mortality and navigated the intersection of grief and joy. And, especially, because of the choices they made to live more guts, gusto, and abandon rather than shrink back in the face of life’s fragility and uncertainty. If they can make that choice, so can we. Life is uncertain and full of legitimate reasons to be fearful. But, as Allyson put it, we can “quit wasting so much time in life trying to predict what your thing is going to be...what your crisis or tragedy or thing is gonna be that you have to struggle through, because odds are that you're wrong...You can never guess what your thing is going to be, but when you're in the middle of it, you have a choice to handle it with grace and to keep moving forward and to feel all the feelings thru it and know that ultimately it's all working for our good.”
What's one small change you can make today?
There’s So Much More
This brief summary of Allyson’s story doesn’t begin to do it justice. I hope you’ll invest in yourself and the power of the story you’re writing with your life by taking an hour to listen to the whole episode.
Hang Out With Allyson!
I’ve got a really cool opportunity for six lucky listeners: The first six listeners to email me will get to participate in an exclusive, live follow-up conversation with Allyson this Thursday, June 4, at 4:30 pm Mountain Time, via Zoom. So email me, and if you’re one of the first six, I’ll send you info for how to join this exclusive conversation.
Connect with Allyson: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | website | email
My purpose as a coach is to help you deploy your unique purpose in the world. Connect with me on Facebook or email me.
Subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher and leave a review!
If You Appreciated This Episode, You’ll Also Appreciate…
- You’re Dying: How to Make the Most of It
- Lessons for Life from a Decade of Death: A Conversation with Jane Davis--Widow, Suicide Survivor, Single Mom, Health Educator, and Ultrarunner
- How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
- The Nine Lives of Lise Leroux: One Woman's Mind-blowing Tale of Living With a Terminal Diagnosis
Remember: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
How does a daily duel with Death change the way you live?
My guest on this episode, Lise Leroux, is an author, skydiver, globetrotter, and life cycle celebrant. More than three decades ago, she received a terminal diagnosis. Then just five years ago, her story took a mind-blowing turn.
Lise's story will strengthen your resolve to live with even more guts and gusto and abandon right now. Listen for how Lise's story has led her to her unique purpose in life. In episode 3, How to Turn Your Imperfections into Superpowers, I pointed out that our story and our unique purpose are inseparable, and Lise is a perfect example of that. I hope her example will help you connect the dots between your story and your purpose even more clearly. Her story is also a powerful example and affirmation of the big idea in episode 5, How to Become the Boss of Your Fear.
No One Believes Me
Between the ages of 15 and 25, Lise knew something was wrong. Countless doctors and specialists looked at her case, and one by one, they found nothing. Eventually, it was chalked up to hypochondria. As much as they wanted to believe her, even Lise’s own parents ultimately sided with the “experts” rather than with Lise. But by 25, Lise knew deeply within herself that something was terribly wrong, and her time on earth was quickly drawing to a close.
Vindication
Finally, at 25 and with nothing more to lose, Lise packed up all her stuff in a UHaul trailer and headed to a facility in Montreal that could do MRIs--in 1985, a groundbreaking technology. Here, she received confirmation of what she’d known deep-down for a decade: Something really was wrong. It had a name...and a terminal prognosis. Tune into the full episode to hear how this news affected Lise. It wasn’t how you might have expected.
Six Months to Live...For More Than Three Decades
This began an anger-fueled, danger-seeking, fear-conquering, globetrotting chapter of Lise’s life. She was a woman on the run, living every day as if it could be her last, forming few meaningful attachments, dueling with the spectre of Death day-in and day-out. In one harrowing episode, she fell through the upper level of her home onto the stone floor below--where she remained for three days, unable to move, and accompanied only by her two dogs. Then five years ago, a routine--albeit very thorough--medical examination for her job changed her life dramatically again. Tune in for details. The truth really is stranger than fiction; you can’t make this stuff up.
What Does Lise’s Story Mean for Us?
Lise's story is like a sadistic experiment designed by a mad scientist. And the question posed by the experiment was, "What does the expectation of imminent death do to a person?" If there was any remaining doubt that Mortality is the most powerful motivator in life, then Lise's story helps put that doubt to rest. Even though she has regret over things she missed--investing more in intimate relationships and having kids, for example--she nevertheless is grateful overall for how Death caused her to live. So much so that she is carrying those lessons forward into the new chapter of her story. And one idea sticks out to me especially: That even though there's no guarantee of another day, we DO have a choice about how we live right NOW. In Lise's case, she chose to go for it rather than hole up and wait for Death. What choice are you making?
What hit you from Lise's story? Share your response in the comments on this episode’s post on Facebook.
Connect with Lise:
- Facebook and LinkedIn
- lise@reimaginecelebrations.com
- Life Cycle Celebrant website
- Writer & Playwright website
My purpose as a coach is to help you deploy your unique purpose in the world. Connect with me on Facebook or email me.
Subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher and leave a review!
See you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying!
What if you could become the boss of your fear? What difference would that make?
All of us experience fear. It’s part of life. But not all of us know how to master our fear so that it doesn’t get the best of us. In this episode, you’ll learn how to put fear in its place so you can live with more guts and gusto. And you’ll learn how your Mortality can become a powerful ally in the ever-present battle with fear.
From Fearful To Forward
It was early in the morning one day six years ago, and my wife and two boys were still asleep. I, however, was wide awake...lying prostrate on the living room floor. This was not a relaxed “prostrate,” a slow, stretchy, meditative, welcoming-of-a-new-day kind of prostrate. This was a “holy crap, I’m scared out of my mind, all I can do is lay here” kind of prostrate. Super fun.
Over the previous few years, it had become unavoidably clear that I needed a change professionally and we needed a change as a family, too. To figure out what kind of change, we had worked a long, insightful, and highly-structured process with a coach--my first experience with a coaching partnership. We’d weighed pros and cons, clearly envisioned a better, more desirable, more satisfying life; taken a weekend retreat as a couple and a week-long retreat with my coach and his wife; made “low-cost probes” into various options; gained useful insight through assessments, and gotten counsel from family and friends. We’d invested a lot of time, energy, blood, sweat, and tears into the process, and eventually it had yielded the clarity we sought about the kind of changes we wanted to make.
And yet here I was--prostrate on the living room floor, scared to death to pull the trigger on a decision. Evidently, just knowing what kind of changes we wanted to make wasn’t enough.
One insight helped me go from fearful to moving forward. Tune in to the full episode for the rest of the story. The mental and emotional change within me was instantaneous and exhilarating. When my wife entered the room a few minutes later, the first words out of my mouth were, “Let’s go.”
How is Fear Bossing YOU Around?
That’s an example from my life. But what about you? In what areas of your life does fear hold you back or push you down or get the best of you?
What difference would it make if you began to be the boss of that fear rather than it being the boss of you?
How Do You Become the Boss of Your Fear?
Let’s be honest: Life is full of stuff that’s legitimately scary. There’s simply no changing that fact. Dangers abound even on the best of days. Big leaps and new adventures bring real risks. This episode aired in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. The fear and uncertainty was palpable and global and no one knew how it would all play out.
So in a world full of fear-inducing realities, here’s the big idea that I want you to wrestle with…
The way to master fear is not to become less fearful.
The way to master fear is to become more brave.
None of us would expect to get physically stronger simply by telling our weakness to go away. Nor would we expect to get stronger just by hanging around a bunch of weights or envisioning ourselves as stronger or meditating about bigger muscles--as useful as envisioning and meditating are in their own ways. We know that getting physically stronger requires putting in the consistent work to build more muscle. And that’s hard work. But gradually, you do get stronger. And weight that was once impossible to lift becomes your new normal.
The same is true in mastering fear. We have to put in the work to build bigger bravery muscles so we can throw fear around more easily in the weight room of life.
Your Mortality: Steroids for Bravery-building
On this podcast, we tap into the power of our mortality to become the people we were made to be and live the lives we were made to live. And perhaps nowhere in life is our Mortality a more powerful ally than in our battle against fear. It is to bravery-building what steroids is to body-building--except for the whole illegal and unhealthy thing. When fear comes knocking, remind yourself that the clock of life is ticking. And tell fear to step aside as you charge ahead anyway.
Will Smith has said, “The best things in life are on the other side of fear.” I totally agree.
If you’re scared, practice being brave. Start today.
REMEMBER: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet! So get after it!
Amateur or Pro?
If bravery-building was a sport, would you be an amateur or a professional? Share your response in the comments on this episode’s post on the Facebook post for this episode.
My purpose as a coach is to help you deploy your unique purpose in the world. Connect with me on Facebook, here, on my coaching website or email me.
If this episode was helpful for you, subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever you listen to podcasts, and leave a review!
Everything’s fine--until it isn’t. And then it’s too late to go back.
That’s the terrible truth that my guest on this episode is confronting as he stares death in the face.
In this raw, unfiltered conversation, you get to walk a mile in my guest’s shoes and see life through his eyes as he confronts his own Mortality. You'll learn how he wishes he'd spent his time differently in the past and what matters more to him now than it once did. His actual encounter with Mortality will motivate you to do “it” now--whatever important thing or relationship “it” represents--before it’s too late.
Patrick Ayres, Cancer Warrior
My guest for this episode is Patrick Ayres--husband, father, and chef extraordinaire. Patrick's a member of my extended family on my wife's side--a brother-in-law once removed, or something like that, if that's a thing. And he's in the fight of his life FOR his life--a warrior battling incurable brain cancer.
When we recorded this interview in mid-February, Patrick wasn't feeling great. He was in the toughest phase of that month's chemo regimen, experiencing intense fatigue, missing a chunk of his brain the size of an orange. You can hear his weariness--physically and emotionally. That Patrick was still up for doing the interview tells you something about the kind of guy that he is.
Yep, This Is Heavy Stuff. Do Yourself a Favor and Listen Anyway.
If you're tempted to skip this episode because it might be too heavy, remember this: Our Mortality is the most powerful source of motivation in life, and by failing to confront it, we do ourselves more harm than good. Do yourself and everyone you love a favor by courageously embracing your own Mortality through Patrick's story so that you are emboldened to make the very most of TODAY.
Vertigo? Nope.
In early 2019, Patrick began to have dizzy spells. Vertigo was the best word he could find to describe what the spells felt like. When he finally went to the doctor in the early fall of last year, though, he had a gut feeling that something more serious was going on. After the usual agonizing wait for scan and test results, he got the devastating news that he had incurable brain cancer. Tune in to the episode to hear Patrick’s account of surgery to remove the tumor and an orange-sized chunk of his brain, recovery, follow-up treatment, and absorbing the shock of his new situation.
When he got the diagnosis, Patrick dropped a “mortality bomb” in the laps of his fellow Graveyard Group members by sending a text with the scan showing his tumor and a brief note confirming it was cancer.
The Graveyard Group is a weekly mastermind that I formed in February 2019 to cultivate the consistent practice of remembering our Mortality so we can become the people we were made to be and live the lives we were made to live. This podcast is a production of The Graveyard Group--a way to invite a larger audience to embrace this powerful practice around Mortality. New Graveyard Groups are forming, and I’d love for you to be in one! Go here to learn more and about how to join.
And just like that, it got really real for all of us in Patrick’s Graveyard Group. It wasn’t just a powerful mental exercise any more; we had a friend suddenly in the grips of a mortal battle.
The Pain of Regret
The most dominant theme in this conversation--and at this early stage in Patrick’s cancer battle--was regret. Regret for time frittered away pre-cancer. Regret that the tireless work and long hours spent building his culinary career were potentially for naught--and some of that time could have been better spent with his wife and daughters. The intensity of this regret comes out often through tears in this conversation. Tune in to hear more about Patrick’s perspective on how he spent his time pre-cancer.
No Pretty Bow
I'd like to be able to put a nice pretty bow around the interview. But if I'm going to stay true to the spirit of Patrick's story and honor his battle, then I can't do that. His story tells us that there is no bow. Being in a life-and-death battle with cancer is simply hard. Looking Death in the face is hard. Patrick has regrets. And he hasn't yet uncovered any philosophical nuggets of gold to offer us in his confrontation with Mortality.
So what do we do with Parickt's story? It will hit us all a little differently, I'm sure, and that's good. But there is at least this one universal takeaway: It could just as easily be me, or you, or your husband, wife, son, daughter, mom, or dad. One day, it WILL be us--if not facing cancer, nonetheless facing the end of our earthly existence for one reason or another. Let's wake up today and embrace the gift of LIFE with gratitude and gusto and courage--saying to Death, "I see you, I know you're coming, but until then I've got a lot of living to do."
You ARE going to die, but you're not dead yet. So get after it!
What If...
If you got a life-threatening diagnosis today, how satisfied would you be on a scale of 0-10 with the life you’ve lived so far, and why? Share your score here.
If today's episode has been helpful to you, I hope you'll subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying wherever you like to listen to podcasts, and leave your honest review. Go here to learn more about The Graveyard Group, the life-changing mastermind that I mention during the interview.
Subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher, and leave a review!
My purpose as a coach is to help you deploy your unique purpose in the world. I’d love to connect with you on Facebook, through my coaching website, or email me at andrew@digdeepwinbig.com.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
All of us have things we dislike about ourselves and parts of our life story that still get in our way. We spend a lot of time and energy and emotion (and sometimes $!) trying to get rid of them or get over them.
What if there was another way? In this episode, you’ll learn how to turn your “imperfections” and even the hardest parts of your story into superpowers. It’s absolutely possible, and I’m living proof.
The Dying Deer and the Anxious Young Man
23 years ago, on a humid summer evening in suburban Virginia, I was standing over a dying deer in the middle of the road. The front of my metallic blue 1985 Volvo 240 was mangled, and one headlight was pointing its beam straight up into the sky.
But ironically the plight of the deer and the condition of my car were the last things on my mind.
Because I was in the grips of debilitating anxiety. Not about the deer or my car. I was in the grips of anxiety with a capital “A.” The kind that has a life of its own and latches onto anything and everything it can. The kind that shows up suddenly and blows up your life. And at that moment, all I could think about was getting back to my house so I could hunker down in my bedroom and wait out the wave of anxiety that was threatening to overwhelm me.
How My Anxiety Became a Superpower
Despite my best efforts to get rid of it, I’ve lived with Anxiety ever since. But a few years ago, I upgraded my relationship to the Anxiety, and it’s been an absolute game-changer. Tune into the episode to hear the full story of what changed and how. A special thanks to Tim Ferris, whose podcast inspired the insight that allowed me to make the change.
My upgraded relationship with Anxiety transformed it from a hated liability into a superpower:
- The Anxiety always felt like a ding against my manhood, something that made me weak and was shameful. Now, though, I can honestly say that I’m grateful for the Anxiety, and I’m able to use it to help others in ways that are really gratifying for me and transformational for them.
- It inspired the creation of The Graveyard Group [ADD URL]. I share more about what The Graveyard Group is and how it’s changing lives in the full episode. Visit [ADD URL] to learn more.
- It inspired the creation of this podcast, Andrew Petty is Dying, as a way to share the power of our Mortality to help us become the people we were made to be and live the lives we were made to be with a larger audience.
The Key to Your Unique Purpose
Transforming an imperfection or a hard part of your story into a superpower doesn’t mean that you suddenly find some unnatural delight in it or that your story is suddenly free of pain. The anxiety I experience is still very often a painful and exasperating burden. But, I believe our story and our unique purpose in life are inseparable. Our story, our imperfections, and our unique purpose in the world are intertwined.
How to Turn Your Imperfection Into a Superpower
You have to accept them. You must begin to see your imperfections and the hard parts of your story as clues pointing to your unique purpose in life rather than as enemies to be overcome and expelled from your life. Only by accepting them can they then become a guide, leading you toward your unique purpose.
And here’s the really magical part: As we tap more deeply into our purpose, the pain and discontentment that our imperfections have caused all our lives begin to fade into the background.
Purpose--white-hot, crystal clear purpose--is the most powerful remedy for pain.
I Challenge You!
Life is just too short to spend it railing against who we’re not, what we can’t do, and why life dealt us the hand we’re holding. And I know that some of you are holding truly painful and difficult hands. Maybe you’ve dealt some of those cards to yourself. Even so...
Stop fighting your story, and start owning it instead. Stop fighting your imperfections, and start using them, instead. Forsake the Victim mentality and re-cast yourself as the hero on a quest to give everything you’ve got for the benefit of the world.
You alone can do this, but you don’t have to do it alone.
In fact, I don’t recommend trying to do it alone. You lack the critical objectivity needed to see your story and your imperfections in a new light.
Enlist the support of a close friend, a mentor, or a life coach like me. In my case, Tim Ferriss served as a sort of distance mentor for me to help me turn the corner with the Anxiety.
Whatever you do, though, don’t let another day pass without taking at least one step toward turning your imperfection into a superpower.
And as you take that step, you get even closer to becoming the person you were made to be and living the life you were made to live.
REMEMBER: You ARE going to die. But you’re not dead yet! So get after it!
Who’s Your “Imperfection to Superpower” Hero
Who have you seen turn an imperfection into a superpower? Share your answer in the comments on this episode’s post on Facebook.
Subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher, and leave a review!
My purpose as a coach is to help you deploy your unique purpose in the world. I’d love to connect with you on Facebook, through my coaching website, or email me at andrew@digdeepwinbig.com.
What matters most after what mattered most is taken away?
That’s the big question we sought to answer in this interview with Jane Davis--widow, suicide survivor, single mother, health educator, and ultrarunner. Jane happens to be my neighbor, and over the past year and a half my wife and I have gotten to know her and her story. She immediately came to mind as a perfect guest to have on Andrew Petty is Dying.
This conversation will move you, inspire you, and equip you with insight and strategies for making the most of every day. And from Jane’s personal experience, you’ll learn what matters most when what mattered most is taken away. Let her story change the way you live before Death forces you to.
Jane’s story is a remarkable story of hope, tragedy, grief, and triumph. She lost her husband to cancer shortly after they got married and her father to suicide in 2018. Her experiences have taught her just how precious today is, and she models that in her everyday life. The Intro on her Facebook page says, “Super grateful mama who loves to run far, travel and squeeze every last drop out of life!!!” That tells you something about how Jane lives today as a result of the gauntlet of sorrow that she has passed through.
Jane’s Story: Journey to the Darkness and Beyond
In our quest on Andrew Petty is Dying to tap into the power of our Mortality to become who we were made to be and live the lives we were made to live, we “go there.” We go to the hard places, the sad places, and the dark places because when we fail to go there now, we pay a much higher price when we’re forced to go there later. And when we are willing to courageously “go there” now--to deal with Mortality preemptively--we find new light for living more meaningfully today. This is the rare conversation that we must have if we’re to become who we were made to be and live the lives we were made to live.
Jane’s story has some really dark and tragic parts. Listen to the episode to hear Jane’s full recounting. One of the things that struck me as we talked was that at one point Jane was crying and smiling at the same time. Because Jane has journeyed through the darkest parts of life and found the joy beyond. The grief and sadness remain, but she has also acquired new resolve to live joyfully and meaningfully NOW.
Running Really Far on Purpose
Jane is an ultrarunner--the kind of runner for whom a four-hour training run is normal and a 50+ mile race is routine. Running has been part of her life for a long time, but it wasn’t until her husband died that she discovered that running is more than a hobby--it’s part of who she is. Today running has become an essential part of how Jane lives and heals and thrives. And when she runs an “ultra,” her husband and her father are with her “every step of the way”--literally. Listen to the episode to learn how. Jane also shares practical steps we can take to find a pursuit in our own lives that serves the same deep purpose that running serves in hers.
What Matters Most Now
As our conversation unfolded, it became clear that Jane’s journey through a decade of death had changed how she lives now in these specific ways:
- She is aware daily that “time is short, and moments are brief.”
- Discomfort is good if we’ll let it be. It helps us get to know ourselves and others better. Be OK with getting uncomfortable. Stay in the uncomfortable moments with others because they create “deeper connection with another human being.”
- She welcomes conversation about death and dying. It’s not talked about enough.
- Before her husband died, Jane chased the typical American dream of professional ladder-climbing and acquiring stuff. Her daughter was in daycare while she worked. Now, Jane “chases” meaningful relationships and meaningful experiences. She moved to Steamboat Springs to follow her daughter’s long-time ski coach--so that her daughter could continue to benefit from that relationship personally and as an athlete. That’s a huge shift in priorities.
- Janes now prizes authenticity and vulnerability as keys to living well. She avoids anything that tempts her to live in an inauthentic way or leads to inauthenticity in relationships.
- If we fail to pause and slow down once in a while, we will lose connection with our unique selves and live according to others’ expectations.
- NOW is the time.
The Big Takeaway
I took a LOT away from this conversation: The power of human connection, the importance of slowing down, the value of being present in the moment, embracing and using discomfort, and more. The thing that stuck with me most, though, as I stood back and reflected on the whole conversation, was this:
Even Jane--with as much tragedy and death as she's experienced and as much resolve as it's given her to live differently as a result--even Jane has to work hard at keeping the main things the main thing.
Which makes it even more of a challenge for those of us who haven't encountered Death like Jane has. Which drives home the point that tapping into the power of our mortality is a mindset, a discipline, and a practice, not a one-and-done kind of thing. If it was easy and came naturally, more of us would be doing it. I for one don't want my life slip by unlived, and I'm betting you don't either.
You ARE going to die, but you’re not dead yet. So get after it!
How Comfortable are You Talking About Death & Dying?
How comfortable are you talking about death and dying: Not at all / Somewhat / Comfortable / Very Comfortable? Share your answer in the comments on this episode’s post on Facebook.
If Jane’s story impacted you, you can connect with her here:
Subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher, and leave a review!
My purpose as a coach is to help you deploy your unique purpose in the world. I’d love to connect with you on Facebook, through my coaching website, or email me at andrew@digdeepwinbig.com.
Is it possible that Death is the key to unlocking your best life?
I’m dying. You’re dying. Everyone you know and love is dying. We're ALL going to die; it's just a matter of when and how. Someday--and maybe even someday very soon--your time on Planet Earth will end. Right now, deep down, you know that you’ve got more to offer. You know you’re holding something back. But still, despite all that knowing and the vague, uncomfortable awareness that Death is inevitable, the days pass, and nothing really changes. That’s the bad news.
But here’s the good news: There is a powerful, proven way to begin living your best life right now.
On this episode, you’ll learn how to transform your relationship with Death--our oldest foe--to find the motivation to become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live.
“Death Brings Meaning to Life.” -Macgray, age 10
My son dropped this truth bomb in our family’s lap one night at dinner. (Don’t worry, death isn’t a frequent topic of dinner-time conversation in our family. Ha.) After we picked our jaws up off of the floor, he went on to explain that if we lived forever, it wouldn’t matter what we did each day. But because our days are numbered, every day is important. If Death does, in fact, make each day precious, then why don’t we live like it?
What is Your Relationship with Death?
We usually relate to Death in at least one of two ways:
- We take great pains to avoid acknowledging our Mortality it at all costs, or
- Death shows up in our life somehow, unwelcome and unannounced, and we’re forced to acknowledge it.
Two traumatic experiences forced me to acknowledge and wrestle with my Mortality. In this episode, I share how those experiences woke me up to the likely consequences of neglect of my physical and mental wellbeing and sparked a massive transformation.
Mortality: Liability or Asset?
By failing to confront our Mortality, are we doing ourselves more harm than good? What if Death--something we have historically only seen as the ultimate liability--could become our greatest asset in life? I believe this not only possible; it is ideal. By upgrading our relationship to Mortality, you can (minimally) escape deathbed regrets and (even better!) live your best life now.
Start Today
What are you putting off? Who can you be that you’re not becoming? What part of your purpose are you failing to fulfill? Starting today, see your relationship with Death for what it is, upgrade it as needed, and begin tapping into the power of your Mortality to become the person you were made to be and live the life you were made to live.
Making It Your Own
On a scale of 1-10 (1 = avoidance / fear and 10 = courageous acceptance), how would you rate your relationship with Death? Why that score? Share your answers in the comments on this episode’s post on Facebook.
Subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher, and leave a review!
My purpose as a coach is to help you deploy your unique purpose in the world. I’d love to connect with you on Facebook, through my coaching website, or email me at andrew@digdeepwinbig.com.
Welcome to Andrew Petty is Dying, where we tap into the power of our mortality to become the people we were made to be and live the lives we were made to live. I'm Andrew Petty. Join me every two weeks for insights that cut through the clutter and interviews with fascinating people to start living your best life now and avoid deathbed regrets. Coming soon to wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts!