Conversations With Cinthia: Recent Episodes
Cinthia Hiett
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oday’s topic is the neuroplasticity of the brain and how we can use it to take charge of our own thought processes. Cinthia opened today with a quote usually attributed to Albert Einstein: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.” We see the problems that occur with repeating behaviors that are not working, but what about our thoughts? Our brains create what are called “neural nets,” or networks of brain cells that learn to fire in succession in response to outside stimuli; these are often compared to superhighways in the brain. This creates habits of thought that we often do not even notice because we are so used to them. For example, the phone rings, and you see a particular name on the screen. What thoughts go through your head automatically? The stimulus happens, the thoughts begin… and, before you know it, you are traveling down that old familiar superhighway with its familiar assumptions and other habits of thought. And every time you travel the highway, it gets reinforced, becoming more entrenched and powerful in your brain and your life. Thus, our brains create these “crazy-fast” reactions to stimuli, but we can take control of this process and retrain our brains to respond differently.
Sarah Gibson has written about this concept with the old computer-inspired idea of GIGO: “Garbage in, garbage out.” We can, she emphasizes, decide what ideas to feed ourselves. We can decide which thoughts to dwell on. We can reroute the garbage truck, so to speak, and actively work to take the “trash” out of our brains. We can create bypasses to help us stop traveling the superhighways that are not helping us. God made our brains to work for us, not against us. Are you a lazy thinker? Challenge your own thoughts and feelings. Update and maintain your own roads. Take responsibility for the roads you travel. Clean up the negativities, the lies, the assumptions. Reroute the garbage truck. All of this is easier to say than to do, but it is well worth the work.
First, start to notice the neural nets that exist for you. In what areas do you quickly find yourself starting down a familiar thought/feeling/reaction path? Cinthia discussed her own struggle with mental “superhighways” related to an eating disorder that began early in her life; for her, there are still triggers to follow a mental track related to fears of being fat, triggers she has to consciously and intentionally resist. We may have perceptions about why other people do what they do, and our thoughts on this reinforce our judgments and assumptions about others. Some people have superhighways related to fears of trusting anyone. Sometimes we think we know what will happen in a situation because we believe that is what “always” happens, but we may actually be overgeneralizing. What are your superhighways? What are your triggers to jump on those ramps, and what thoughts and feelings occur in response to those triggers?
Once you identify some patterns, the first thing to do is learn to pause. To continue our superhighway analogy, pull your mental “car” over into a safe spot and take a minute to examine what just happened and where you are now headed. Question your immediate emotional response. Seek different information. Find out what else there is to know. Clarify with the person who made a comment; what did they mean by that? Remember, our brains create these “crazy-fast” reactions based on emotional response. Remember, feelings are very real, but they are not always true. Don’t believe everything you think!
We can retrain our reactions, but it is also important to recognize that some superhighways in our minds are so entrenched that we may struggle with them for a very long time, just as Cinthia described still having to resist eating-disordered thoughts decades after she has stopped living as an eating-disordered person. Especially when we are dealing with roads that were formed when we were young or roads that were formed through trauma or deep wounding, roads we have traveled for years or as a way to avoid other painful roads, there may always be a first reaction, an impulse to get on the “ramp” toward the series of thoughts and behaviors the brain has learned to enact in response to parts of life. The brain may still go to the old road automatically, but, remember, you can teach your brain to hit the brakes before heading down the superhighway. Work on construction of the new bypass system. Every time you travel the old roads, you make them stronger, but every time you take yourself down a new path, you help to construct and strengthen that new route. We have more control over our own thoughts than we give ourselves credit for.
One thing that can help us as we try to build new roads is a back-to-basics approach toward what is important. This approach stresses simplicity, focuses on the essentials, and proactively moves us toward the things that make the most difference. It helps us do what matters instead of getting bogged down in unnecessary complexity. If you think simplifying life could help you, consider these practical steps:
- Identify the things that add unnecessary complexity, busy-ness, and overwhelm to your life and work. What really matters to you, and what hijacks your time and energy away from those things?
- Create a plan to reduce or eliminate those things. (This may involve some grief and loss.)
- Identify things that are most efficient and effective, the things that make the most difference toward helping you accomplish what really matters.
- Create a plan to maximize those things.
- Put boundaries in place to protect these changes.
Cinthia shared several verses from Proverbs that offer simple principles we can use to identify what is helping or hurting us, including Proverbs 10:9, 10:17, 14:15, 16:25, 27:6, and 27:12. She also offered some questions to ask ourselves, such as the following: Have I considered the possible outcomes for my course of action, or am I just excited about an idea and hoping that it works? Do I think I am the exception to a rule in some area? Sometimes we need to relearn basic truths about God in order to be able to let go of things that are getting in the way of what is best for us. God’s heart is never geared toward depriving us or taking away what is truly good; He wants the best for us. But sometimes we hold on to what we think is best, and it keeps us from enjoying the gifts He really wants to give us. So find some verses or sayings and implement them into your life. Remind yourself of what you know. Don’t just let life happen to you. Be committed to yourself—to your actual good, not your immediate gratification. The more committed you are to yourself, the less it will take to maintain and care for yourself over time.
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How do you approach the issue of trusting others? Every human being is a risk. This does not necessarily mean that we are all dangerous at deep levels, but it does mean we are fallible and that we have the capacity and potential to hurt and fail one another. We all yearn for acceptance, accept ugly things, and are still trying to figure out who we are supposed to be.
We have trouble trusting God because we forget that God never lies. He is perfect. He loves His creation to the point of death. He has experienced more harm, offense, and pain than anyone else has ever experienced, and He continues to experience our selfishness, greed, and immaturity. In many ways, we are not a good risk for God, yet He risks relationship with us. Jesus is the Word Who became flesh and dwelt among us (John 1); He brings us back to God the Father. God is a good Father. We can hold Him accountable for His words, and we must not disrespect Him.
As difficult as trust can be, we are wired for it. We cannot help but trust in some way. We trust that the sun will come up each morning. We trust our safety systems and the people around us enough to fall asleep, which is an almost completely vulnerable state. We trust the chairs in which we sit, the cars we drive, etc. Trust is the biggest problem we have because life requires trust. Even our pets have to deal with the issue of trust.
Some people are better risks than others. Are you a good risk for other people? Do you lie to them? Do you return phone calls, gossip, etc.? Before you judge others --family, friends, even the government -- recognize that we all have the abovementioned yearning for acceptance. We also want to feel trusted and want to feel safe. Developing and maintaining trust in a relationship is an ongoing process. Sometimes we need to qualify our statements so that we can be clear in developing trust instead of making sweeping generalizations, etc. Sometimes we need to explore rifts and apologize when we mess up. Sometimes we need to acknowledge challenges to our trustworthiness.
Jesus is our model of trustworthiness. He is kind and strong. When He was on earth, He did not judge inappropriately but always held the line, so to speak. Even so, people had trouble believing in His love until He died for us, and, even now, we often struggle to trust that the One Who was willingly tortured to death for us and then overcame death is trustworthy. Like children, we continue to question His love every time we experience pain or simply do not get what we want. We constantly want Jesus to prove who He is, even though He has already done this.
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Feelings are very real but not always true. They are real because they are actual sensations that are really happening in your body, often related to the chemicals your body is creating and releasing. However, the thoughts that often come in tandem with our feelings can be untrue. Feelings do give us information, and some of it can be true. However, feelings are not reliable to give only true information. Because of this, we can experience a sense of emotional flooding that makes us kind of emotionally “drunk,” struggling to use good judgment because we are overwhelmed by sensations that seem to support ideas.
Because of this, we sometimes want to get rid of feelings altogether. Feelings, however, can be seen as trying to help us. Feelings are not bad or good; they are morally neutral tools that require skill and discernment for proper use. We decide what to do with them. We are responsible to consider what each feeling indicates and to ask whether the messages we are receiving from them are true. Feelings can go awry, as in the case of anorexia, and we can misinterpret the information they present. Make friends with your feelings, and recognize them as tools in your toolbox, rather than as your god or your guide through everything in life. You have to decide which messages to believe, whether and how to express them, etc. Learn how to use the tools well. You do not need a sledgehammer for to accomplish a gentle nudge. Do not simply allow the strongest feelings to make themselves most heard without discerning what is real. We have more control over our feelings than we think we do. They are just feelings; we are the people who manage them. Be the grownup in your own body.
God made human beings to develop something we call an observing self as we grow toward adulthood. Ideally, the observing self is like an internal coach, cheerleader, friend, and helper. Ideally, it is not critical but speaks the truth in love, telling us what the rules are, what will help and hurt us, etc. The observing self can help us become more what God made each of us to be. However, sometimes we develop an internal critic that overrides the helpful function and is shaming instead; this can be especially true for people who have grown up with abuse, neglect, or other trauma, particularly trauma involving central adults in their lives. Do you have an internal critic that is hurting you more than helping you? How much is it costing you? Where did it come from? Think about the term critic; it usually connotes an outsider with ambitions of his own, one that has a job when more material is produced. A critic is not there for the person producing and has no responsibility to that person. However, our internal critics are inside of us; we can fire them if they are not helping us. A critic simply offers an opinion, however educated that opinion might be. We do not have to believe or agree with everything that comes from a critic; we do not have to accept a critic’s opinions as facts when they are not facts. In this context, Cinthia discusses a blog written by Anne Midgette for The Washington Post about the need for art critics to be responsible; this can mean doing one’s best to convey a sense of what is happening in the field by describing all the many sides of it, fostering dialogue, etc. Is your internal critic helpful? Does it foster helpful exploration inside of your mind, or does it simply disparage you?
Strong feelings can arise when dealing with the internal critic, and breathing is critical for managing these. Therapists know that the shallower our breathing, the more we will tend to believe all our feelings. Feelings can spike our adrenaline, but oxygen helps the body lower adrenaline. Relax your shoulders and breathe; then decide whether to engage with feedback from the internal critic. You do not have to believe everything it says. Just because something sounds or feels true, comes from someone you like, etc., does not necessarily mean you should accept it as fact. You choose which things to believe; what are your criteria for this? Perfectionism makes it hard to believe praise.
As an alternative, Cinthia discussed Dr. Kristin Neff’s concept of self-compassion, which has the potential to move us out of our own threat systems and into safety. She also encouraged learning how God thinks of us, likening him to the “kindergarten cop” in the movie by that name. He wants us to explore, learn, test, and discover how He feels about His children; He allows us to play. But He is strong in the midst of our explorations.
In American, individuals frequently dislike themselves and try to change who they are in more and more radical ways. We have to learn to accept that we are created beings. We did not make ourselves, and God did not consult us when He made us. God puts so much thought into what He creates, and He likes the way He makes us, though sin can warp our expressions of that creation. We must learn to respect God’s creative authority. It is incredibly arrogant to tell God we do not like what He made and are going to alter it ourselves; He put thought, love, and creativity into the design of each person—including you. He alone has the right to define us and say who we are; what artist would be okay with someone telling him his or her work should be changed from the artist’s idea to someone else’s? Romans 9:19-20 asks who we are, as human beings, to talk back to God, like clay vessels demanding of the Potter, “Why did You make me like this?” God is brilliant and does not need us the way we tend to think, which frees Him to love us the way He does.
You are a created being. Somebody had to come up with the idea of you. Explore, learn, test, play, and discover how He feels about you; respect the Creator and the fact that He created you. Consider that there may be Someone bigger and smarter than you are and that He loves you. He is the only One who can tell you who you are, and He overrides your internal critic.
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Do you let people love you? Do you let them know you? Love takes time. There are some acts of love, mercy, grace, and kindness that require very little and can be accepted without any commitment. When someone opens the door for you in the store, smiles at you, or lets you have a parking place, you can generally accept it without trying to interpret their motives. There are others acts of love that are more reaching and involve covering a multitude of sins. We want to run from our proclivities, but God in His perfection is willing to be with us and cover for us while we work on repentance and change. Accept the love and mercy that is being offered to you; do not reject goodness. Do not insult the person who tries to give you something good. It is okay to be uncomfortable while you practice receiving graciously.
Do you worry about accepting anyone’s niceness? Do you reject their little gifts of grace to you for fear that there will be strings attached later? It can be so much easier to accept good things from people we do not know, people who are unlikely to be there later, because we see little chance of having to repay them in the future. But in most cases we do not have to read minds and interpret motives; we can simply say, “Thank you,” authentically without trying to read between the lines. If we find later that there were strings attached, after all, we can simply say, “I wish I had known that you were wanting that in return. What can I do now?” Usually, continuing to live as a changed person in response to the kindness is the best repayment. If you think that you do not deserve it, take a deep breath and say, “It’s not about me.” This can help you not to steal from others the reward of being kind. Work on accepting compliments, even if you do not believe them right now.
Love covers a multitude of sins. It is not the same as enabling. Love does not expose our ugliness while we are working on repentance and change. It is a gift of grace that comes from God. God knows the depth and darkness of our thoughts and actions, and He does not put time limits on our changing. We do not have to get it all figured out before we go to God; in fact, He would rather we come to Him messy. (Our own attempts to clean up the mess without Him generally just make things worse.)
And, remember, you can show love to others, too. You do not have to love perfectly in order for someone’s life to be changed. Loving someone is not always an ongoing commitment; you can start with small acts of kindness throughout the day. Practice I Corinthians 13 on yourself. The more you are willing to engage with this kind of love, receiving the love of God and loving yourself well, the more you will be able to love others. Practice love. Do not wait for perfection. You can apologize when wrong. God is the Father that is with you.
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Humans deeply need love and acceptance, so it may be surprising that they can have so much trouble accepting it. People may turn away compliments, shut down attempts to get to know them, or reject others before they can be rejected. How can beings who so desperately need relationships with other humans fight so hard against it? Why do people shut down, keep distance, run at the first sign of disagreement, dismiss compliments, or refuse help that would truly make a positive difference in life?
The fear of acceptance is often closely bound with the fear of rejection. Accepting the acceptance of another person can feel wrong to someone whose negative core beliefs include beliefs in their own worthlessness, etc. It can feel threatening to someone who fears having the newfound love and acceptance pulled away from them later when more is revealed and vulnerability is increased. Acceptance can also trigger fear of being overwhelmed by another and losing one’s own identity.
Good boundaries can allow us to accept love from others more readily. For example, when you know that accepting a compliment does not mean owing the one who gave the compliment, you can simply say, “Thank you!” and take the compliment. Without fearing undisclosed strings, you can reasonably accept appropriate help, gifts, or encouragement; if strings turn out to be attached, you can communicate your wish that this had been made known earlier and can discuss ways to settle things in the present. You can use the information available to make the best decision possible regarding the acceptance of love and help from others. In contrast, constant fear of obligation can lead to dismissing truly well-intentioned and beautiful gifts from others. Knowing yourself and having a foundation for your own identity can enable you to enter relationships with others without that you will lose who you are.
Two relationship styles that are rooted in early attachment experiences are avoidant, which involves avoiding intimacy or obligation, and ambivalent, which involves maintaining complicated mental dances and giving “come-here-go-away” messages. A third, known as disorganized, can involve even more extreme defenses against vulnerability and can even become more offensive than defensive. All of these can happen when we learn early to fear the very thing we need: human relationship.
If you have difficulty accepting the acceptance of others, begin by accepting yourself. Difficulty accepting yourself can make it hard to trust others who accept you. Engage with God, and ask Him for help to accept the way He made you, as well as to allow Him to change things about you that are not what He originally designed. Regarding the way He made you, accept that you are a created being and that God did not consult you about the way He made you. Nor should He have done so. He likes the way He made you. You can resist it, or you can learn to love what He loves about you. Satan influenced human beings not to revere God as our Creator, but, when we reject the plan of our Creator, we reject ourselves. Accepting God’s will gives us grounds to accept who we actually are, but this can be so difficult to learn to do. So say to God, “I don’t understand why You love me, like me, know how to do this, etc. I need Your help.”
We all get hurt. The healthier we get, the more insight and options we have. Be aware of your feelings when you get scared, and be gentle with them. Take a breath. See how it feels to experience acceptance. Recognize your fear of not being able to keep the acceptance. Accept that you are not God, and recognize that the One Who is loves you. Notice the shame operating and remind yourself of the truth. Shame blocks us from seeing and honoring our true feelings. It leaves us thinking we have to be better, and under its influence we may strive to be perfect to avoid drawing more shame. Courageous self-acceptance begins with believing that God is happy with how He made you, and that He paid for your failures with Jesus’s death on the cross, after which He rose from the dead, defeating the shame and death that the cross entailed. The enemy of our souls tries to undo and redo truth, but real truth sets you free. Pursue the truth. Say the truth. Choose to believe the truth. As an adult, you get to choose whether or not to believe the shame.
Perfectionism can make it difficult to accept yourself or to trust others who accept you. Remember, perfectionism is not just a quirk or the legitimate pursuit of excellence. Satan was made by God in a way that was perfect, but he did not want to be at the level of a created being. He wanted to be like God, and he harmed everyone with the perfection that had been gifted to him by God. When we indulge in perfectionism, we also harm ourselves and others with our pursuit of being something more than the human beings we are. We try to be more than human.
So allow the feelings that come with all of this, but manage your behaviors and teach yourself new thoughts. Learn to be happy with who you are and to accept God’s happiness with you. When you do this, those who love you will be happier, too. Accept God’s acceptance. He wants you to enjoy you as much as He does.
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The word “discernment” can have a lot of different meanings; today Cinthia discusses it as the process of determining what God is calling you to do. This can apply to vocation, marriage or singleness, and so many other important questions, and a given person can have several different callings at once (e.g., being married, working a particular job, etc.). Cinthia emphasizes today that God wants us to know what He wants for us and has given us tools for making these decisions. Discernment may seem mysterious at times, but it is more about awareness than any kind of weirdness. God has a call on every life, and He wants us to find that call. He wants us to know why He made us and what we are supposed to be doing on the planet.
Discernment is a gift that God gives us, so the first step is to ask God for wisdom, guidance, and help to follow His lead. James 1:5-6 (ESV) says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.” God made us, so it is important for each of us to ask Him who we are, why we are here, and what we are supposed to be doing. We need Him to help us know where to go and what to do. Those who crave and revere humility can become like majestic horses in tune with their riders (or, in this case, the Rider), responsive to the least amount of pressure in the desired direction.
God has made us with different parts that work together to help us discern where He is leading us. Cinthia discusses these as “the three brains:” the head, the heart, and the gut. The head is our rationality, our logic, the ability to think logistically, practically, and sensibly. The heart is more about emotion and passion; it involves feelings and may give us a sense that we just “have to” follow a particular path. We need to consider both the head and the heart as it can be unwise to trust one without the other. The gut is the third “brain” and tends to be “where truth lies.” It often brings our thoughts and our feelings together and gives us a sense of what to do in the midst of conflicting information from the other two. In fact, Cinthia notes that there is even research that confirms our “gut sense” as an important factor to consider when making decisions. Being aware of one’s own body signals is important because our “three brains” function inside our bodies, and our bodies often give us messages.
While there are times when we must act quickly, it is often wise to take time when it is available. The process of sifting through signals from our three brains and understanding what they are saying can take time. Time also allows for the gathering of outside information and experience; there can be clues in our lives that lead us to recognize God is calling us in a particular direction (e.g., things that happen when we were not expecting or looking for them to happen). It may be helpful to talk to others, especially those who are wise. Sometimes it helps to try moving cautiously in a particular direction and see what happens, then re-evaluate.
Examining one’s own personal value system is important in this process. We each have a value system, whether we recognize it or not. Each person has a set of principles or ideals that drives his/her actions and decisions. The value system needs to come from all three “brains,” acknowledging the information that comes from them and guiding them further. Cinthia emphasizes, “Your values define your character.” Being intentional about your value system and making decisions that are consistent with that value system will reduce the amount of choices you make purely from impulse or simply for instant gratification.
Sometimes we do not like the callings God gives us, at least at first. Cinthia experienced this and found that God had different and better plans for her than her own dreams would have given; she states, “The calling God has on my life was not the one that I chose, and it wasn’t one that, in the beginning, I was very happy about… I would have never known how much I loved it if I would have said no to God.” Living in line with the purposes our Creator has for us is ultimately far more fulfilling than insisting on our own dreams and desires. While there are certainly times when our dreams and desires turn out to be clues to what He wants for us, there are other times when He calls us to surrender those dreams and desires and hear Him say, “I’ve got something for you. I want you to step out and be brave and try it.” Sometimes being grown up means we accept that our fantasies are not meant to happen the way we hoped they would, and we learn to embrace the dreams He has for us instead. Jesus allowed Himself to die on the cross because He was motivated by God’s heart; He trusted God the Father enough to accept a path He did not want to embrace from the vantage point of Gethsemane. This plan ultimately brought (and brings and will bring) Him glory and joy forever, but it came by accepting the Father’s will over His own.
Discernment is for everyone. God is very good at opening doors, and He wants us to be able to discern His will. Discernment can be cultivated. It can also be made in steps. Take your time. Examine your value system, and then use all three “brains.” Reflect with your head; notice the feelings in your heart and the sensations in your body. Acknowledge what your gut is telling you. Ask God for wisdom, and be brave enough to seek the truth, even if it means you have to change. Discernment guides us to recognize wisdom and follow it, regardless of the cost, knowing that following any other path will ultimately cost us more.
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Do you acknowledge the choices you have? You may not always have the choices that you wish you had, but you always have a choice. Today Cinthia discussed what it means to take ownership of your life and the choices you have. Acknowledging your own choices means giving up the option to blame others for the entire direction of your life (although it does not mean accepting blame for things that were not your fault -- In fact, sometimes one of the choices you have is whether to accept and affirm that someone else’s choice was not your fault, however deeply it may have impacted you.). Even people in very tragic situations (e.g., POWs) have choices within their situations, though those choices may be more limited. Victor Frankl wrote about his experiences in German concentration camps; he observed that prisoners who chose to accept their situations but also find meaning in their suffering were more likely to survive the experience. They chose not to accept full victimhood by owning the choices that were theirs; they did not fully surrender their internal freedoms, even when their outward freedoms were horribly taken away and their mental states were affected.
When you choose to abdicate your own choices to others, this is also a choice. For example, do you abdicate your mood to others, to society, etc.? Think of all the choices you have in one day. How many do you abdicate?
Cinthia discussed the “Wise Choice Process” which involves using a template for the decision-making process. What is your decision-making process? How do you choose? One example has the following steps, which Cinthia illustrated with an example from her own life (i.e., deciding what to do about her anorexia when she was younger):
- Define the problem. (This step impacts all the others. It includes owning the problem and can sometimes be very uncomfortable. It requires acknowledging reality honestly, as well as separating the symptom from the underlying problem. For example, Cinthia had to recognize that she needed to gain weight in order to stay alive and become healthy. She also had to recognize that this was problem was actually a symptom of a much deeper problem, which was the hostile relationship she had with herself. She did not feel good about herself and was very angry at her own body. She was using food/weight loss to try to mimic feelings of self-worth, gain a sense of power over her own life, get accolades from some others, and manage family dynamics.)
- Identify limiting factors. (For Cinthia, these include her intense fear of gaining weight, the impossibility of being objective about her own body at that time, difficulty trusting others to help her, not liking various aspects of reality and wanting to create her own, reliance on anorexia nervosa as a kind of empowering friend, enjoyment of the positive social rewards she got from continued weight loss, her own self-talk, aversion to eating around others, etc.; on the other hand, the possibility of death from anorexia represented a much more permanent limitation, one she would encounter if she did not overcome the other limitations.)
- Develop potential alternatives. (This can involve brainstorming and may sometimes involve others. The proposed solutions may not be perfect but have some kind of potential to move you toward health, though it must also be acknowledge that quick solutions may not ultimately solve the real problem. The discussion must focus on potential solutions to the specific problem, the real problem as identified in step 1. For Cinthia, options included trying to fix the problem on her own, beginning to eat with trusted others, and going into treatment.)
- Analyze the alternatives. (This may involve getting more information about costs and benefits. It is also a good time to notice any resistance within yourself and what this may tell you about your attachment to the problem; as much as you may hate the problem, it may also be providing you with some benefit or meeting some underlying need that will need to be met in other ways if you make steps toward solving the problem.)
- Select the best alternative. (Again, you may not have a perfect alternative and may have to decide among imperfect options.)
- Implement the decision.
Cinthia discussed Adam and Eve as the human beings to make choices. God gave them choices, allowing them free will. Adam knew what he was doing even though he could not fully comprehend the outcome. But God also made choices in response to their choices. As Cinthia says, “We fell to hell, and God stopped the drop.” He could have let it go, leaving us to our own destruction, but He did not. Meanwhile, Adam’s sin brought fear, the first negative feeling. We were not originally designed for negative feelings. God also experienced negative feelings in response to our choices, but He was willing to accept different feelings to be in relationship with us, much like parents are willing to feel feelings to have their children and be in relationship with them. Adam’s choice brought knowledge. Knowledge is what brings fear and shame. However, God continued to offer them the opportunity to make good choices with their knowledge. Consider Deuteronomy 30:15-20. He offers us life and death. Sometimes our choices do not lead to immediate physical death but to the death of other things, like the dreams God has for us. We need to repent when we choose death, taking responsibility for our choices and turning instead to God. We can use our free will to submit our self-will to God’s will so that He can undo the damage of our sin. Consider also Ephesians 4:21-24.
Another decision-making model involves the following questions:
- What is my present situation? (What is and is not working? Am I ok with it? We need to be truthful with ourselves. Go for objectivity here. Get feedback as necessary. Consider dreams, hopes, necessities, experiments, absolutes, etc.)
- What would I like my situation to be? (What would be the perfect scenario? It’s ok to fantasize at this point. This is not a guaranteed outcome; it is a direction for your brain.)
- What choices/options do I have?
- What is the likely outcome of each option that I have? (You may need to get more information to answer this question.)
- Which choice(s) will I commit to doing? (Do not pick them all at once. Limit the initial choices, but give them your all. Remember that not all choices are mutually exclusive, but some are.)
You can use your choices to pursue the dreams God has for you, the purposes for which He made you. Sometimes our mistakes are just as valuable as our good decisions if they help us make better choices in the future. You always have a choice and, therefore, have a lot more power than you may give yourself credit for. Nobody really wants to change. Actually doing it, however imperfectly, is something to be proud of. It is owning your own life, and your life is a gift.
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Do you reject compliments, explaining why you don’t really deserve them? Do you get nervous when someone does something nice for you, turn down offers of help even when you could really use them, or hate the feeling you get when someone forgives you or extends grace and kindness your way? Today’s show is on letting other people love you.
It can be scary and humbling to let someone love you and give you grace. The enemy (i.e., Satan) will try to exploit this by encouraging you to think that you are in a one-down position. Sometimes it is easier to accept good things from a stranger because we do not worry there will be an ongoing obligation in the relationship. But grace, kindness, forgiveness, and help are meant to be gifts of honor. Do not insult the person trying to honor you by rejecting that honor.
So how do we honor the gifts of love others give us? Well, if we are gifted forgiveness, grace, and covering, change is the best response. Grace helps us have energy to get up again and do it right, to fix what we have broken, to undo what we have done. Allow people to love you when you mess up. Love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8). Covering often sounds negative to us because we confuse it with toxic secrecy or enabling. The kind of covering that God does for us, however, is not like this; it is a gift of grace meant to protect us while we are working on repentance and change. Think of covering wounds while they heal; we do not just bleed all over the house and allow the wounds to be open and exposed to further harm. We cover wounds appropriately to help them heal. Covering or hiding as a gift of grace means that those who love us choose not to expose our ugliness while we work on repentance and change, knowing that change takes time. God gives more because He has endurance people do not. Covering is not permission to keep deepening the wound; covering is beautiful.
If we are given courtesy or help, we can offer a sincere thank-you. Do not insult the person offering good because you are uncomfortable. Give courtesy and graciousness in exchange. Accept the gesture and be grateful for the thought. Good boundaries will help with this; do not try to read the person’s mind or assume their expectations without knowing them. If there is a motive, you are not obligated to recognize it unless they tell you. Unless you have real reason to believe they want something in return (e.g., the person has a history of trying to put you in his/her debt, or there are clear signs of a scam in play), then you cannot read minds to figure it out. You can, however, be nice. You can be polite, gracious, forgiving. “Our Father is kind; you be kind [Luke 6:36, The Message version].” Cinthia continues, “Kindness supports peace, and peace loves to linger. See, peace is a quality that expands. Kindness is a quality that is catching. God is a God of peace. He’s always going to war with the people that are harming us. And there needs to be that protection, and He’s able to restore and protect and to save those that are oppressed, harmed, wounded, injured.” So be gracious in your responses to others, and do not allow suspicion to steal the joy of the gift. If you find later that someone had ulterior motives (e.g., wanted something in return), you can say “no” then. You can say, “I wish you would have told me you were needing/wanting something in return. What can I do?” And if you cannot do what they want, you can tell the person that you will not be able to accept help from him/her in the future.
Cinthia discussed I Corinthians 13 and encouraged little ways to give kindness and spread mercy and truth. She also encouraged self-forgiveness, explaining, “The only reason for having baggage is not having attended to it; move on,” and, “You’re going to be able to love deeply if you also forgive yourself.”
Finally, Cinthia discussed Attachment Theory, which therapists use to discuss how humans attach, and how the motives behind a tendency to reject love often have to do with fear. She discussed the messages people with avoidant or ambivalent attachment styles can send others, such as, “Come here; go away,” and, “I could take or leave you.” She discussed both fear of rejection and fear of acceptance, explaining that God has made humans to need connection and that our defensive structures try to protect us from the pain of not being connected, as well as the pain of being connected, which is also threatening. Our defensive structures protect us too well; our radars give us false readings. We try to protect ourselves from harm, but we protect ourselves from what we need. There are scary implications for acceptance – fear of relationship, commitment, being loved or wanted, fear of the future, coming to depend on someone and then getting rejected, etc. – But the attempt to avoid this pain and loneliness tend to encourage a constant level of pain and loneliness. Are you ambivalent about relationships? Some part of you really wants connection, but it really frightens another part of you.
Cinthia recalled the “False Evidence Appearing Real” definition of fear and encouraged identifying the core beliefs behind our fears of accepting good from other people. For example, one might say to himself, “I’m not a good risk. I’m not going to do this -- all I’ll get is let down. I’m just going to keep working on myself by myself until I feel confident enough to put myself out there.” Cinthia recalled struggling with her own core beliefs about herself and realizing that part of acceptance was accepting herself. She explained that God finally said to her, “Cinthia, I didn’t consult you when I created you. I made you for me. I’m happy with you. I like the way I made you. I’m excited to spend eternity with you, Cinthia. So you can either get on the same page as me, or you can be miserable until you come home.” This led her to work on accepting the things she could not control, picking battles differently, getting stuck on fewer things, letting things go, etc.
We need to know the God Who loves us and to begin to accept ourselves. The more I accept myself, the safer I am to other people. The fears of acceptance and rejection never go away until heaven, so we need to let people love us.
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The phrase “good vibes” has been around for a few decades now, and it is sometimes associated with cultural eccentricity. In fact, however, the phrase can be associated with electricity because the human body has electrical currents that travel up to 120 meters per second. The electricity in our bodies is real, and it is impacted by our habits, particularly those that involve mental hygiene. If you want to boost your positive vibes quickly, here are ten things you can do. Some of them may sound similar, but the nuances are different.
- Think positively. This does not mean brainwashing yourself to believe what is not true or ignoring what needs to be fixed, but it does mean you look for what is really, truly good instead of automatically assuming the bad.
- Strengthen your memory for positive information. Your brain wants to help you by detecting threats early, so it often holds onto the negative memories. But you can purposely direct your brain to remember the positive things, too. Use recall for good.
- Stop minimizing your successes. Often we do this out of an attempt to be polite or humble, but dismissing what is good is not really either one. Your successes are important, and it might not look like anyone else’s successes. What is big for you? Wins are different for every single human. Do not push away compliments.
- Exercise control of your thoughts. Thinking changes the brain. Take control of your own mind. Think of your brain like a self-driving car: it can do lots of cool things and definitely has an autopilot function, but you still need to be at the wheel to be safe and use autopilot effectively.
- Use negativity wisely. Some things are truly bad. Some negative thoughts are true and need to be acknowledged. This is different than using negativity as your default. Acknowledge reality, and move in the best direction you can in response to it.
- Practice gratitude. Your brain and body love it; gratitude does wonderful things for them.
- Accept and validate your own feelings, but don’t believe everything they tell you. Remember, feelings are very real, but they are not always true. Gather the information they offer, but sort it through before making decisions.
- Accept that pain is inevitable and that you can choose gain in the pain. Many of us today want to avoid pain at all costs, but pain is often part of achieving important things.
- Control your behavior. Adults do this. We accept that children are learning to control themselves and will not always succeed, but, if you are an adult, hold yourself accountable as an adult.
- Judge yourself in a helpful way in order to determine what to do differently, rather than a condemning way that uses past mistakes to self-shame or beat yourself up. Acknowledging reality allows you to forgive yourself and move forward, making right what you can and accepting that you cannot change the past.
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For many of us, the harshest litany in our lives is the stream of self-evaluations running through our heads. This can seem harmless and even necessary to control our behavior; it is easily confused with appropriately holding ourselves accountable. But the way we deal with ourselves reveals a lot about our views of reality, and it tends to leak out into our relationships with others, though we may not be aware of that. Today Cinthia looks at two big (and related) reasons we are so hard on ourselves: unforgiveness and perfectionism.
Cinthia states that the following is an important rule of life: We accept forgiveness, and we offer forgiveness. These two actions often seem separate to us, and most of us find one easier than the other. The two are bound together, however, as Jesus showed in Matthew 6:9-13, often called “The Lord’s Prayer,” and in Matthew 7:12, often called “the Golden Rule.” (This last has reflections and corollaries that are found in every major religion, indicating that God has written it into our hearts at a deep level.) Jesus taught us to pray, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” He told us to do to others what we would want them to do to us. And He told us that the second-greatest commandment is to love others as we love ourselves (Mark 12:30-31). Our relationships with others and our approach to ourselves cannot be separated; this is why unforgiveness on either side of the equation produces sickness and disease in our bodies and souls.
Giving and receiving forgiveness both require an understanding of what forgiveness is not, as well as what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is not minimizing the offense, dismissing it, condoning it, or saying the offense was understandable or okay. Forgiving a bad thing does not mean calling it a good thing. It does not mean we will allow the harm to keep happening or will pretend the harm never happened; remember, trust and accountability are often separate issues from forgiveness. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean we will forget what happened; in some cases, that would not be safe to do. Forgiveness means that we turn the debt over to God and let Him handle the accounts. We stop trying to exact payment on our own, whether from ourselves or others. We give up the roles of prosecutor, judge, jury, and executioner. We see ourselves and others as valuable in spite of the choices made; we see people (including ourselves) as more than just the sum of actions committed.
For those who struggle with self-forgiveness, self-forgiveness can seem wrong, as if it dismisses the seriousness of the choice or the harm done by it. It seems too easy to let ourselves walk away from what we did. The problem is that God is the Judge, not us. He has made a way to forgive us because of what Jesus did on the cross. Receiving and embracing His forgiveness is not a dismissal of the seriousness of our actions or the harm done; after all, any choice that requires the blood of God’s Son to pay for it is serious. But adding our own mental self-punishment to Jesus’s sacrifice is not the same as taking our sin seriously; our self-flagellation cannot add ever equal the horror of the punishment He took for us. If we take our own sin seriously, we must also take seriously what He did about it.
Self-forgiveness means that we choose to live at peace with ourselves because God has chosen to live at peace with us. We may still attempt to repair damage done when that is possible (e.g., acknowledging, apologizing, making attempts to restore what we took from someone else when that is possible, etc.), but we recognize that refusing to forgive ourselves does not repair anything or help anyone. We choose to walk away from the mental torture of holding onto our sins and mistakes. We choose to see ourselves as more than our offenses. Cinthia models a statement like this one: “I am not proud of what I did, and I do not condone or minimize it. But I am choosing to move forward for the sake of my own health and well-being, as well the health and well-being of those who love me and those I am meant to impact.” You see, forgiving ourselves affects our relationships in ways we may not expect until we see it happen.
We are to forgive ourselves and others as we have been forgiven. But, if you struggle with this, remember that forgiveness is a process. Be patient with yourself, but do more than just resolve to forgive. Take steps to back up your forgiveness. When forgiving yourself, this may mean using some kind of meditation or affirmations to work on the way you talk to yourself and cut off the litany of mental self-harm that has become wired into your brain. It may mean choosing positive self-treatment even when you do not feel deserving of it, choosing to show love toward yourself with some kind of action that makes things better and not worse. It may mean seeing a therapist or life coach, keeping a diary, or engaging in your faith in a different way. Sometimes the refusal to forgive yourself becomes so entrenched that releasing it entails a loss of identity; without the self-judgment and orientation around our mistakes, you have to go to God and find out who He meant you to be and where He wants your life to go. Until now, you have been focused on your sins and mistakes; where will you go when you release yourself from this?
For some people, though, self-forgiveness is difficult even when the offense is simply being human or failing to meet unrealistic expectations. This is perfectionism. If you struggle with it, consider therapy or counseling of some kind because perfectionism will impact your life and the lives of those around you. Living our lives in self-loathing often involves making too much of the judgment calls of others, mentally echoing their negative evaluations of us again and again; if we try to get all our good feelings from other people, we will live in constant fear or regret over failing their expectations. Remember, you do not have to forgive yourself for being what God made you to be, though you may need to forgive yourself for not being what He meant you to be. Again, find out from Him who He made you to be and what purpose He has for your life. Make the changes needed to follow the purpose for which you were made. Have the conversation with God, "Why did you make me?" Base your self-assessments on the intentions of your Creator, not those of the people around you or your own ideas about who you should be. If you see yourself as needing to meet a higher standard than others, you probably need to look at this; it can, in fact, be quite arrogant to insist on being better than others. If surpassing others is what protects you from shame attacks, this is unstable. God made you a person. You are unique, even in the ways you mess up. But if you are evaluating your mess-ups by your own need to avoid the messiness of being human, you will not be able to face your life effectively. Martha Beck said that "welcoming imperfection is the way to accomplish what perfectionism promises but never delivers."
Incorporate appropriate self-acceptance into your lifestyle, and remember that acceptance does not mean agreeing or condoning all the choices. Laugh more; laughter is truly the best medicine. Give yourself some freedom to stop taking everything so seriously. Living in a state of being unable to forgive requires a lot of energy -- the constancy of hurt and blame is exhausting. Forgiveness allows you to live in the present instead of in the past. The only reason we revisit the past is to learn from it, not to beat up on ourselves. Self-forgiveness and self-acceptance increases our kindness to others. It allows us to live in the present, which opens the future with purpose; we can build instead of being held back. Practice accepting your emotions. And remember, you have no control over what people say and do, but you can choose whether to base your own life on the mixed-up feelings of others. Someone was hard on the people who were hard on you; break the chain by refusing to be hard on yourself and others. Learn from the past, and be grateful that you get to move forward. Take care of yourself. You are important to God. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. Accept this reality, and act on it.
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Today Cinthia continues a topic she started earlier in the month: how to know whether someone loves you. Relationships are complicated, whether they are romantic relationships, friendships, or family ones. When we are most vulnerable, sometimes the wrong things get exaggerated, and the things that are true get minimized. So how do we know when someone loves us – or, at least, how to know when someone loves us in a way we can trust?
People are imperfect. A person who loves you in a healthy way can humble himself or herself when wrong, ask for forgiveness, and accept forgiveness. That person can also forgive you quickly, though he or she may need time to heal; needing to rebuild trust over time is not the same as denying forgiveness. A person who loves you with a healthy love will be committed to getting over your wrongs as quickly as possible, but acknowledging the depth of the wound and the time it takes to heal is part of what makes healing happen. Continuing to heal is necessary, but keeping a record of wrongs for the sake of power over another person or out of bitterness is a different thing.
If you are the one who has been harmed and the person who loves you is giving you time to heal, it can help to express appreciation for this. Do not say you are fine and pretend to be over it when you are not, but don’t over-complicate the transgression, either. It is ok to be where you are and let the healing process happen. Secretly nursing wounds, ruminating, etc., does not further your healing process; healthy grieving does. Healthy love is honest and merciful at the same time, and it does not take humanness personally. Similarly, when someone forgives you, appreciate it and do not overcomplicate it in return, getting more stuck on your offense than the other person is. It is not the offended person’s job to help you get over yourself.
A person who loves you is courteous, polite, and gracious to you and not only to others. A person who loves you will honor what you need, even if he or she does not understand it. It may be inconvenient or uncomfortable, but the person will care about what you need because he or she cares about you. When someone shows this care, it is appropriate to express appreciation.
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For every person in the world diagnosed with an addiction or mental disorder, there is at least one other person trying to help someone in this condition. Families are deeply impacted, and these situations can be ripe for misunderstanding, misinformation, and stigma. Today Cinthia explores how to love well when a loved one struggles with a mental illness or addiction. She began at the beginning of Luke 10 and explored issues related to boundaries and codependency in several passages leading up to the parable of the Good Samaritan. She then looked directly at the parable and discussed what he did and did not do to help the wounded man, as well as whether he might have had to respond differently if he had been trying to help his own relative. Cinthia noted that the Good Samaritan offered simple help, not judging or lecturing, not becoming over-involved, but valuing the wounded man and helping him by giving what he could with appropriate expectations.
Sometimes humans complicate it when God asks us to help others. Cinthia encouraged self-reminders that kindness is free and can be given to anyone. Kindness is not validating inappropriate behavior or trying to teach someone how to change, though it can model a different lifestyle. Kindness does not mean assuming best-friend status and does not leave the recipient owing anything. It is simply kindness. Part of how we know whether we are practicing good boundaries is that we are able to give freely without unrealistic expectations; we do not gain identity from helping the person get better or become resentful if the person rejects or disappoints our efforts. Good boundaries help us not to take everything so personally.
If someone close to us struggles with an addiction or mental illness, we generally have two choices: We can interject ourselves into their situation or be simply a compassionate observer. A compassionate observer does not take responsibility for figuring out, fixing, teaching, reforming, etc. A compassionate observer can be aware of problematic behavior while acknowledging his/her own inability to comprehend all the internal and external factors involved. A compassionate observer can value another person regardless of his/her behavior but does not give past the point of being able to release expectations his or her own expectations for the results. A compassionate observer can accept that people’s lives are messy and that getting involved in the lives of human beings is a messy business. A compassionate observer can offer some help, particularly when it is requested, but must have good boundaries when doing so. Boundaries can be most easily understood as awareness of “where I end and you begin.” When we do not know where we end, we often become way too involved in the lives of others and end up hating or despising the people we were trying to help when all our attempts to help them change are frustrated or disappointed. People have problems that aren’t solved for lots of reasons, and we don’t always know all the reasons. Without appropriate expectations, we develop compassion fatigue, which leads to resentment.
We can easily overestimate our own ability to understand a given situation. Sometimes, as we watch a loved one struggle, we say to God, “You could fix this.” Cinthia reminds us to take a deep breath and remember Who God is. Remember the cross, the beatings, His entire creation turning against Him. God knows how humans can be, and He understands factors we cannot know. He knows what it is like to offer someone help, only to have that person reject it in favor of his/her own best ideas. He actually does know what is best for us and has the right to have plans for us (something we cannot say about ourselves regarding the people we are trying to help), and He still experiences our resistance and rejection of His offers. One question to consider in determining what you can give freely in a given situation is how educated you are regarding that situation. Do you have experience with the relevant issues? Do you have training? If you don’t, you might seek general education to help guide your attempts (Make sure to use reputable resources, such as the National Institute for Mental Health [NAMI] or the Mayo Clinic.), or you might simply collect names of professionals, etc., to whom you can refer the person when they want help. This can be helpful, but don’t try to be the resource or treatment professional. Be careful about ruling out options for the person. For example, sometimes Christians are nervous about the use of psychotropic medications and may even discourage loved ones from using them when prescribed. Psychiatrist Dr. Harnish notes that the devil uses various weapons to attack us and that, as such, it often makes sense to use a variety of weapons in response. He describes physical interventions such as medication, emotional ones such as counseling, and spiritual ones such as prayer and Scripture reading as different branches of the military. He encourages using each of these weapons as needed as a country might use different branches of its military to combat different tactics brought against it.
Humility is crucial when dealing with addictions and/or mental illness, whether we are the ones struggling or the ones loving someone else as they struggle. Just the person struggling must humble himself/herself to accept needed help, the person trying to help must humble himself/herself to accept that the loved one is free to reject his/her help and suggestions. Sometimes phrasing helps: “I have an idea, and I’m wondering if you’d be interested,” may be a helpful start. Telling the person all the ways he or she has failed or should have done things differently typically does not help. When making a suggestion, consider your timing. Remember that you are not the person’s parent (unless you are and that person is a child), lawyer, doctor, or boss; you are not God. You are a compassionate witness; see and offer help only within appropriate boundaries.
Remember not to define people by their disorders. Don’t walk on eggshells. Let them lead the way. Help when they ask for help unless such help is not helpful, and then say that you don’t feel comfortable doing that. Keep it simple. God honors weakness and really values honesty. Also, remember that most diagnoses have a continuum of severity. One person with Diagnosis A may experience it very differently than another person with the same diagnosis.
Make sure your own life is working. Tighten down your own self-care. This gives you strength to help the person when he or she wants help, as well as to love the person when he or she falls, and it models what good self-management can be like. Get sleep, rest, recreation, and support. Consider going to a supportive group such as NIMH, Alanon/Alateen, etc.; go to at least two meetings before you rule it out. Mental illness, addiction, and even recovery are all processes that are easy to “get lost in,” and this is as true for loved ones as for the person who struggles directly with the problem. Boundaries are hard to maintain in these situations, but they are crucial. Pray for the person, be a compassionate witness, and “do your side of the street.”
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Have you noticed that love can look different ways at different times? Sometimes love is soft and gentle, and sometimes it is firm. Sometimes it tells us everything we need to hear, and sometimes it waits silently. It can be confusing, so how do we know when we are truly loved and when we are loving others well? Today Cinthia discusses characteristics of real love between one human being and another.
A person who loves you will not be perfect but will be humble when he or she has been wrong. A person who loves you well will ask for and receive your forgiveness. This is especially important in personal relationships.
When you are the one who was wrong and you humble yourself to ask forgiveness, a person who loves you well will forgive you quickly, even for a big offense. This does not necessarily mean that trust will be instantly restored or that the hurt will evaporate; you must be realistic in allowing the person time to heal. You must rebuild trust. But, while trust may need to be earned back over time, forgiveness will be free and will come more quickly. The person will not hold grudges or say that things are fine, only to attack you with passive aggression. The person will also differentiate between signs that you are imperfect and signs that you are truly dangerous.
When someone loves you well, that person honors what you really need, even if it is inconvenient or uncomfortable for him/her, and even if it is not the same as what he/she needs.
A person who loves you well is courteous and gracious, especially within the relationship.
A person who loves you well supports you in your feelings and struggles. The person will not publicly shame or reject you for your mistakes and will still “claim” you, even if he or she cannot approve of what you did. The person will gently tell you the truth, though, privately and kindly letting you know when you are harming your relationships and not being the best version of yourself.
A person who loves you well will not “keep score.” He or she will not overcomplicate your every mistake with a list of all the things you have ever done that were problematic in any way. However, that person will continue to believe in the best version of you, the person you can grow to be, and will encourage you to become that person.
How do you know what kind of person to trust? You can observe the person’s response under stress, the way the person treats subordinates and strangers, the way the person treats his/her parents (There are some families that are so toxic that a person may have to limit or cut off contact, but this is not the norm and should not be a person’s automatic response to imperfection.), the way that person talks about others when they are not around, the level of honesty a person demonstrates, whether the person can hear others or is always focused on self, and other signals discussed in the podcast today. Do not gloss over the evidence of a person’s character, hoping it will simply be what you want it to be. There is a difference between demanding perfection and simply acknowledging character and choice patterns. We will not find perfect people with whom to have personal relationships, but a basic fit in value systems matters very much.
It is also important to look at your own life and identify how to get help for yourself. James 5:16 tells us to confess our sins to one another and pray for each other so that we may be healed. This does not mean that you make everything public, but it does mean you have to open up to some others sometimes, especially about your struggles. The passage goes on to talk about the prayer of a “righteous” person being powerful and effective; this tells us something about the person or people in whom we can confide. “Righteous” does not mean that the person will be perfect; the only perfection available to human beings on earth is the perfection Jesus accomplished, the perfection God now sees in us when we trust in what Jesus did for us. But, when deciding to confide in someone, make sure the person sees himself/herself through this lens rather than thinking he/she is perfect outside of that. The person should know how to mess up and recover and should take seriously the love of God for each one of His children.
Sometimes we do not want to ask for help from others. We feel embarrassed at having our sin exposed for what it is and can begin to get wrapped up in everything we could and should be, which paralyzes us. Remember, God wants to help you learn who you really, truly are, why He created you, what the point was, and why He is happy that He made you. Often, He uses us to help each other learn these things. It is okay to ask for help. You may have to keep asking until you get what we need, but you are worth that. Remember that Jesus accepted help from Simon of Cyrene when He could no longer carry His own cross. Accepting help changes things forever. Be a leader in your family, community, etc., by getting the help you need and doing what it takes to become all that God means for you to be. You only have one life. Get what you need so you can live it. Your struggles do not just impact you, even if it seems like they are not hurting anyone else; your struggles really do affect the people in your life, as well. Get over yourself for their sake and yours; ask for help in order to pursue the life God intended for you to have.
Sometimes we need help from professionals. What are some signs that you might need professional help? Well, if you are struggling with something dangerous, illegal, immoral, or unethical, you may need help to loosen its hold. Thoughts of harming yourself or someone else indicate you need help in your journey. Sad or anxious feelings that seem overwhelming or come with troubling thoughts, difficulty concentrating, or changes in energy level can be a sign. Specific problems that impact your life, such as addictive or compulsive habits, can be a sign, as well. Distress itself can mean that you need help. A sense or feedback from others that you are losing touch with reality can also be an important sign; while people are often embarrassed about this one, it is just another human coping skill that, like other coping skills, can cause problems if we do not get help. Do not despise the human condition; humans need help. So take care of the one God loves (by which we mean you) by getting the help you need. Even if you don’t value yourself, God values you highly. You can join Him in that.
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Today Cinthia discussed what it means that we as human beings are made in the image of God. We say all kinds of things about ourselves, and not all of the things we say are true. We work hard to define ourselves, to figure out who we are and grasp some kind of identity for ourselves. But these attempts will never make us free until they line up with the truth about ourselves, which is rooted in Who God is and who He says we are. We look around for those we can emulate, but, until we know and emulate our Creator, we will not figure out how to be our unique selves. The more we know God, the more we will want to be like Him, and the more we are like Him, the more we will be the unique creation He meant us to be.
Cinthia discussed some of her own struggles to figure out her identity. She was adopted into a family with which she had little in common in terms of appearance, giftings, etc. She felt, she says, like she was on a train called “life” and did not know how she got on it, where it was going, or where she was supposed to get off of it. She even perceived herself to be on this train fraudulently, to be on the planet by some unplanned accident so that God had to figure out what to do with her now that she was here. Living under the weight of this, Cinthia worked hard to “be something” to justify her existence. But one day, after many, many conversations about this with God, after repeatedly telling him how she felt and what she thought about it all, Cinthia heard God say to her, “Now you know where you came from. You came from Me.” Learning to see God as her reference point and to ask Him who He meant her to be changed life drastically for Cinthia, although it has been a process.
While Cinthia’ particular struggle may be most resonant for those who have been adopted, all of us struggle with identity. Some of this relates to family issues; we may not see ourselves as having much in common with our biological families or may identify with them strongly, happily or not. We are adopted into God’s family through Jesus, and we don’t always know how to relate to this family. But, regardless of our experiences with those who reared us or those around us now, human beings struggle to define ourselves (and some might say our society has particular difficulties with this because we are so concerned with defining ourselves individually) because each of us was created by God to be something we cannot understand without Him. Each of us was His idea, and He was happy that He made each of us. Regardless of connections with family members or similarities and differences with them, we are still one-time-occurring creations, and there is no one like anyone else. Until we connect our identities to their Source, we will lack the information and power we need to be who we were meant to be.
In our society, people seem to be struggling with this more than ever. People are even changing their bodies at drastic levels, but we are not our own creators. We are not able to create who we want to be, whatever our society may tell us. Human beings simply don’t have the tools to create themselves. We have to learn to accept our status as created beings who were not consulted about who we were meant to be, but who are far more amazingly-designed than we realize or know. Learning to trust our Creator with who we are is difficult because trust is difficult and because we tend to have ideas about who we are, some of which are not accurate and may cause pain. But we start by learning to trust God when He says we were beautifully and wonderfully made and that He was glad when He made us. Until we believe Him and ask Him what He had in mind for us, we will not find peace with who we are.
You have to find out who you are, and you have to do it by going to your Creator. Ask Him why He made you. Even if you identified with your family or were like them in many ways, you are still the only one of you. (Even identical twins do not have the same fingerprints!) You are truly original, and you have to find out who you are. You came straight from God, from His heart, soul, and mind. He wanted to make you, and He did. That is where you come from. He wants to be with you forever. Think about that: God made you because He wants to be with you forever. Although He has taken great care with the particulars of your life, God created you for eternity, not just for this life. He wanted to get you here more than He wanted to make it “the right time” for everyone else. He used this fallen world to get you into existence, and that for Himself. The first step in knowing who you are is to know Him; the second is to know the level of value He places on you.
Cinthia explained, “If I know God, I know myself better. If I act more like God, I like myself better.” Cinthia offered several verses (Revelation 22:13, Colossians 1:15-17, Isaiah 44:6-8) to help us begin looking at this. He is the First and the Last. We look at the Son and see the God Who cannot be seen. We see His original purpose that He started in Him and holds together in Him. He is the God of Angel Armies. He is all-seeing, all-knowing, and all-powerful. God is the Doer. Then she discussed Genesis 1:26-7, which explain that we were made in His image, in the image of the Trinity. She likens this realization to what it was like for her as an adult who had been placed for adoption in infancy to meet her biological family, to have an “aha” moment in which she realized she looked like them, shared traits with them, and suddenly made sense to herself in ways she had never understood.
God is behind relational success. God wants us in relationship with Him first and then with others. This is why relationships impact us deeply whether we are engaging in them or avoiding them, and it is why our relationship with God is foundational to our self-images and to the health of our other relationships, while our self-images other relationships are significant concerns to God. He made us like Himself, and we can borrow His ways of doing relationship. Unfortunately, sin makes us less and less like Him. We are left with our reference point. God wants us to be like Him, not the other way around. This is why verses like Matthew 19:4 actually give us permission to be who we are. God did not miss something when He created you; He made you the way that He made you on purpose. What you have learned about who you are, what you believe about who you are, what others think about who you are -- those things can be mistaken. But God is not mistaken about how He made you.
Cinthia elaborated by listing some specific ways God made us to be like Him. We are creative, wishing to continue, expand, and express ourselves. We are relational. We are spiritual with a desire for spiritual connection, knowing there is more and desiring to question. We are emotional beings. (Yes, God has emotions! We see that He has always had the capacity for happiness, sadness, and anger, though we do not see Him experiencing the emotion of fear until He became human as Jesus. God is very emotional and not at all insecure, but, as a human, He opened Himself to this experience. Even Jesus first indicates fear at facing the cross. What a brave and strong friend we have in Jesus.) We have choice. And there are more ways!
Go to God. Ask Him Who He is and how He wants you to learn this, and be willing to pursue knowing Him as He wants to be known. Ask Him who you are, who He meant you to be. Then get to know yourself, to be yourself more fully based on the design by which you were made. This is what it means to be yourself, and it comes not by performance for Him but through relationship with Him. Walk with Him, and be everything He dreamed of you being.
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Today’s title is one that requires some definitions. First of all, what is an addict? What is addiction? Addiction has more than one definition but usually involves becoming physically or psychologically dependent on a substance; it can sometimes apply to compulsive involvement in behavior, such as gambling or sexual compulsions. Not all habits necessarily qualify as addictions.
At some level, we are all prone to addictions, but some people are much more prone to them than others. Genetics plays a key role in setting up proclivities to addiction. Trauma also influences addictions by taking away someone’s ability to regulate his or her internal world. Anxiety and depressive disorders can create or increase vulnerability to addictions. Chronic pain and severe injury including head injury, can set up a person for addiction, especially if treatment for these ailments involves narcotics or other controlled substances. We cannot tell just by looking at a person all the factors that may put that person at risk for addictions, and shaming them for being addicted is generally not helpful. Addiction is an affliction, not something people plan to have.
There is a difference between dependence and addiction, though one can lead to the other. A person who depends on a particular medication is not necessarily dealing with an addiction. Sometimes the body cannot do for itself what it needs to do, and medications can be used appropriately to help with this. Some people become dependent on medications that make their bodies function properly without becoming truly addicted, and sometimes we do not know all that is involved in another person’s medical care plan. However, dependence can lead to addiction, and signs of this can include lessening attempts to find other coping skills and ways to be healthy. At this time in history, we have an unprecedented opportunity to use pharmaceuticals in life-giving ways, but it can be very difficult to know how and when to do this. Medications that were originally meant to help people can sometimes work their way into hearts, minds, souls, relationships, and lifestyles so that they destroy the people they were meant to help and harm others in addition.
Another term in today’s title is the word “judge.” The phrase “do not judge” is frequently cited as coming from Jesus, though not always with proper understanding of the context in which He said this. In Matthew 7:1-6, Jesus told us not to judge lest we be judged. The compassion He showed and shows to sinners like us shows us how important a statement like this is to Him. In our society, however, we sometimes misuse the phrase “Don’t judge,” using the authority of Jesus’s words to mean, “Don’t tell me I’m wrong,” or to imply that all behaviors must be accepted as equally moral. But Jesus went on to tell us not to give dogs what is sacred or cast our pearls before pigs. A few verses later He warned against false prophets. How are we to obey the latter verses without making some kind of judgments? In fact, the Bible says not to judge ourselves. How, then, can we make behavioral decisions for ourselves?
The answer lies in the difference between judging behavior and judging a person’s heart, between determining that a behavior is harmful (or potentially harmful) and making negative assumptions about what is happening inside a person, between setting boundaries and shaming people. Jesus says in John 7:24, “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” So, in the verses in Matthew, “do not judge” does not mean that love should be blind or undiscerning; on the contrary, loving well requires even more discernment than the kind of judging Jesus forbids. It is healthy and right to recognize that some behaviors are harmful and wrong. It is loving to want someone to be the best version of himself or herself and to encourage this in appropriate ways. Wisdom often sees where particular behavioral patterns are leading, and love can motivate us to set limits with ourselves and others to avoid or minimize the harm that may be approaching. Sometimes boundaries are necessary and healthy, and they can be set in ways that are not inherently shaming (though, for some people, encountering any kind of boundary activates their own inner shame). Even deciding at last to walk away from an unhealthy situation can be done in kinder ways than simply ignoring or avoiding the person.
So today’s title and message can be expanded to the following: “Don’t judge the addict; judge the behaviors.” Judging behaviors well may lead us to encourage someone to get help or make changes, to pray for them and encourage them. Judging behaviors well may sometimes lead us to accept that another person has free will and that the only healthy option we have is to walk away from a situation we cannot change. Other people may sometimes confuse these things with judging in the way Jesus said not to judge, and, truthfully, it is often hard to keep our behavior judgments from intermingling with our sinful tendency to judge people’s hearts as if we were in the place of God. But loving well requires that we learn to support one another in being the best versions of ourselves, not in using our freedom to justify doing things that cause real harm.
There is a difference between an excuse, which attempts to justify inappropriate actions and make it okay to do things that are not okay, and an explanation, which simply attempts to help us understand the struggle. Explanations may help us understand one another’s backstories, biologies, and battle strategies. Exploring the root may help us find a solution.
The Bible is clear about truth. Truth is inseparable from God’s character. Anything that contradicts the truth is a lie. To call something a lie or a sin is to pass on that thing, but only God can pass judgment on the person engaged in that thing. Sometimes we don’t want to know or act on the truth God shows us, but that doesn’t mean we can redefine truth.
If you are struggling with an addiction, do not stop trying. Don’t give up. Don’t stop reaching out for help. You have the rest of your life to live, and it honors God to continue seeking Him and accepting the help He provides in our struggles. It can be hard for humans to deal with our own freedom; we are free to choose our behaviors but not necessarily to choose their outcome. Sometimes the things we choose are more powerful than we realized they would be. Jesus does not break bruised reeds or snuff out smoldering wicks (Isaiah 42:3, Matthew 12:20), and His desire is not to shame you. But neither does He want you to use phrases like “Don’t judge me” to dismiss the reality that you are more than the addictions that haunt you. Jesus took our sins, sicknesses, and afflictions on Himself when He died for us; He knows better than anyone how heavy they are and how much they hurt. If you are His (or if you turn to Him now), He will not leave you to struggle by yourself; He will be with you.
If you are not sure whether you are struggling with an addiction, consider some of the following questions: Are you habitually breaking God’s law by doing things He says not to do? Are you breaking human laws? Are your relationships suffering, or are you becoming more isolated? Are you lying, hiding, or deceiving to avoid having your behaviors criticized or limited? Just because something feels valid or justified does not necessarily make it healthy. Is there a pattern to what you are doing or when you are doing it? Is it harming your physical or psychological health? Is the thing that was intended as a solution actually causing more distress or impairment? Are you doing more than you used to do?
If someone you love is struggling with an addiction, remember that there is a difference between judging a person and judging behavior. Jesus gives us permission to make judgement calls on doctrines and deeds, and we are responsible for setting limits accordingly. Judging whether to hand someone your keys, or even judging whether you can continue to be in relationship with a person in his or her current state of decision-making, is not the same as judging the person’s heart. But negative assumptions about the person’s heart, etc., are. You can set boundaries in response to the person’s choices, and you can set boundaries in your own mind regarding how you will think about the situation, what conclusions you will draw, etc. Ask God to help you deal with the hurt without resorting to hatred. Accept help from Him and from wise others in determining what limits you need to set. You are not God, and this means both that you are not the person’s judge and that you have your own limits. You cannot rescue the person any more than you can judge the heart. Compassion and codependency are not the same thing.
No matter what role you currently occupy in these scenarios, remember that we are not even the judges of ourselves. God the only Judge. But He does give us plenty of wisdom for evaluating our own behaviors. Ask yourself the question, “Who is going to parent me?” You have freedom to make your decisions, but you cannot choose the outcome of those decisions. We are held accountable for what we have done. God wants to make you into the kind of person He wants you to be. He made you, and He also understands the ingredients He put into you. He gives us the free will and the strength to say “yes,” “no,” or “wait” to ourselves. Learn how to judge your own behaviors for your own benefit. The adult part of you should gently question the wisdom of your actions at times. Be kind to yourself and others as you do this because God is kind. Humans are a risk. Take the risk of being the best version you can be. You are a one-time occurring person, and you only get one life. What meaning does God want to create with that life?
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Twilight seems like a wisp of time; it comes and goes and is gone. It occurs twice a day, bookending the days and nights. Is this simply an accident of the Earth’s rotation and revolutions around the sun? Nothing God creates is without meaning and purpose, and twilight, Cinthia explains, is a beautiful gift to us.
Cinthia explored dictionary definitions of twilight as (for example) “the diffused light from the sky during early evening or morning when the sun is below the horizon and its light is refracted by the earth’s atmosphere.” Twilight is a time of transition; it gives us time to reflect on the day we have had and to move into night, or to come awake and move into the day. It is the in-between time when things are ambiguous, obscured, winding up or winding down. It can be calming, and it can be invigorating. Imagine life without twilight, life in which darkness fell suddenly as we were driving and dawn broke all at once on our sleeping eyelids. Twilight gives us the time to adjust, to prepare, to change with the rhythm of the day.
Photographer Jacob Lucas has written about the under-appreciated and under-utilized light that comes through the atmosphere at twilight. This is not just one type of light, either, but breaks into three phases in each twilight. Civil twilight happens when the sun is just below the horizon and allows for seeing the brightest stars and planets and well as the horizon and objects on earth. The light is mostly gold and pink. Nautical twilight is the time when the sun is a bit further from the horizon; light dissipates more quickly, making details harder to see and silhouettes more realistic for capturing on film. Astronomical twilight is the closest to darkness, and capturing handheld images is nearly impossible in its light.
The concept of twilight can extend past the natural, however. Spiritual and emotional or psychological twilights can exist, as well. can be natural, spiritual, emotional/psychological.
Cinthia explored the twilights involved in the Passion of Jesus. It was likely sunset as He moved into the Last Supper with His disciples, a time when He washed the feet of His betrayer and tried to tell His friends the last things He wanted them to know before His death. Twilight led Him into the dark night in which He would sweat blood in Gethsemane, receive His betrayer’s kiss, face the soldiers and officials, and begin six grueling trials that included periods of torture and went through dawn (the second twilight of the Passion). That morning He carried His cross to the Place of the Skull and was nailed there, but a different kind of twilight came when the darkness of night fell at noon. That afternoon, another strange twilight came when He committed His Spirit into the hands of His Father; the earth quaked, the veil in the temple was torn in two, and Jesus died. The darkness was over, but twilight returned as His body was buried at sunset.
This is what God does with us everyday in little and big pieces. We go through hours, days, seasons, pregnancies, job trajectories, the raising of children, the nurturing of relationships. We experience process after process; we live in process and go through a multitude of transitions. These twilights include times it is really dark and times when we see things in clearer, more beautiful lights than we have previously done. God walks us through these processes with great intentionality. He
Jesus was fully present every moment of His life on earth, though we are usually not. Twilight is an especially important time to be present because it eases us into the next phases of our life. Twilight is a gentleness from God, a kindness He gives us even though we resist it at times.
What twilight are you in? Is something beginning? Is something starting to end? Is there a transition on the horizon? Stop and hear God saying that He is with you in the process. Accept God’s grace as He leads you into the change. Be present in twilight.
Twilight is God’s kindness to lead us into change gradually. There are some changes that are more abrupt, but don’t skip over the transition time He gives you. Don’t refuse His kindness in leading you through the process His way. God is creating this process for you to be able to get to the other side safely.
Human beings were designed to need rhythms of work and rest, expansion and contraction, sleep and wakefulness, obscurity and discovery. We need times of preparation and times of repose. God knows His creation and its need for seasons and rest. Even He rested on the seventh day after He created the world, showing us this pattern and giving it to us for our sake. The work was good, He showed us, but the rest was holy. The Sabbath commandment gets transgressed more than any other, and it has been distorted in every direction. But its original intent was to strengthen us, and it will still do this if we allow it. God even gave laws to the Israelites that allowed the land to rest so it could produce more later.
Rest is vulnerable. Rather than trust the Lord, we often want to keep working and pushing. But breaking natural laws brings consequences. When we fight against the physiology of our bodies, we will lose. We will weaken ourselves and miss the healing, the restoration. We will start too soon, end too soon, or not start or end at all. Cinthia explains, I need to trust the One Who died for me. If I resist doing my day, my life, I may miss some hardships but also steal from myself the blessings that are waiting for me.
Twilight often requires us to go through the grief and loss process. Sometimes this is because we are experiencing deep loss. Sometimes we even have to grieve the loss of something good for something better.
Just as we did not create twilight, we cannot depend on ourselves to travel through it. Cinthia explains a practice she uses to focus herself and experience her position with God more fully. The Jesus Prayer, which is more than 1,500 years old, goes like this: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” Cinthia is one of many believers who have practiced repeating this inside her heart and mind, inhaling during the first half of the sentence and exhaling on the second half. She wholeheartedly recommended this practice, not because God needs our repetition to hear us, but because we need the repetition to humble ourselves, to ask unceasingly for the mercy He has already given us. God’s destiny for us is always good but not always comfortable. We need His mercy to come through it.
God has not forgotten us when we are in twilight. He knows what He is doing even when He allows something good to end or allows us to go into dark nights of the soul. He leads us to surrender as Jesus did: “Not my will but Thy will be done.” Often we find that surrender initiates morning twilight, but He is with us the whole time before that, too. Read Psalm 23. He will walk us through until we are ready for the full light of day. Then, after such a night, it is time to rise. When that time comes, we can trust Him for that, too. When He raised Lazarus from the dead, Jesus made sure the stone was rolled away and then shouted for him to come forth. There is a time when the cock crows, signaling dusk or dawn. Hear the voice of the Lord calling you to come forth, and know that it is time.
Where are you in this process? Have you been in the tomb too long? Are you refusing to come forth? Are you needing to stop and reflect but wanting to do something to feel better instead? What twilight are you in? Are you ignoring it, lengthening it, trying to get out of it too quickly? Honor God’s timing, and return to the natural rhythm of how He made us to be. Twilight is the transition that moves us into the next phase of our calling. It makes us slow down and find Jesus. Twilight is crucial. Don’t miss it.
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Have you ever told the truth and yet not been believed? Have you ever struggled to know whether to believe someone else? Distrust can be painful on both sides, but knowing what to believe can be difficult. Today Cinthia tackles the dual topic of trusting and being trusted, starting with the statement that everything is a risk.
Trust is necessary for life, and trust is always a risk. Belief in anything is a risk, but no one can take a step without putting his weight somewhere. Even our day-to-day tasks require trust in objects, systems, and people. Relationships require trust, and all of us have had variable experiences trusting others.
That said, some people are better risks than others; some people show us that they are more trustworthy, while others show us that they are not. Are you a good risk for other people? What do you show others with your life? First, make sure that you are a good risk. Don’t pretend. If people are trusting you, they are risking on you. If people are talking to you, they are risking on you. Be a good risk.
Wanting to be trusted is a risk because it hurts to want trust and not receive it, especially when one has worked hard to be trustworthy. God takes that risk with us. He is completely trustworthy; we can take Him at His Word. He even engages with us as we challenge Him, though we should not disrespect Him. But still we question Him over and over, struggling to believe He exists, wondering if He loves us, grasping for control of our lives because we trust our own plans more than we trust His. Jesus’s disciples did not really understand or trust His love until after He had died for them and come back to life, and even then they struggled with doubt, confusion, and the need for reassurance. Human beings have a tendency to think in terms of “If (fill in the blank), then I would really know that he/she loves me.” We keep trying to figure out the real test that will finally hold down our fear. But this is dangerous because it is based on our own imaginations; the things we think will satisfy us often do not do so.
It takes humility to continue to engage with someone who struggles with trust when you are not the one who wounded them. In this situation, focus on kindness and try not to make the person’s other-inflicted wounds worse. The person may have hurt from the past; maybe the person does not know how to get the help he or she needs. At some point, if the person consistently refuses to risk trusting you no matter how much you demonstrate that you are trustworthy, it may become hard or impossible to have a relationship with that person. Relationship requires risk.
Sometimes, however, another person’s mistrust in us comes from our own actions. When we have lied to someone, been untrustworthy in a relationship, neglected someone, wounded or harmed someone in some way, etc., it may take a long time to regain trust—perhaps much longer than we hoped. It may take longer than seems fair to the one who committed the offense, and the one who is trying to trust again may become more comfortable, only to start questioning again and need further transparency and amends. Sometimes trust has to be re-earned minutes, days, and again years later. If you have wounded someone deeply, you may have to keep demonstrating your trustworthiness until that person is ok again.
In the absence of glaring reasons not to trust another person, how can the average person decide whether to risk trusting that person? Cinthia cited the old proverb, “Trust but verify.” At some point, we all have to risk trusting someone, just as we have to take reasonable risks trusting our brakes, our chairs, our food, and so many other things. It is impossible not to trust someone or something, and that always involves risk. We only get to decide in what directions we point our risk-taking. Believing in someone means that we can be let down, and that is very scary. But we cannot have relationship without risk. So we trust while waiting to see, and we increase trust as someone or something continues to prove trustworthy. Consider how you would feel if you had to prove yourself time and time again without ever being believed, or without the person being able to hold onto his or her belief in you once you leave the room. Do not keep your loved ones forever in limbo, always trying to earn your trust and never able to do so by any reasonable means. Look for evidence of trustworthiness, but do not think any human being is going to be risk-free.
So what does it mean to be trustworthy? When the object of our potential trust is a flawed human being, perfection is not one of the options. Unless the person you are trusting is Jesus, that person is going to mess up. (And, for that matter, even though He never messed up, Jesus’s followers were repeatedly surprised, confused, and disillusioned when He did things differently when they were expecting Him to do.) With flawed human beings, believing in someone does not necessarily mean you are shocked when that person messes up. Trustworthiness in a flawed human being is more about whether the person is willing to acknowledge an error, take responsibility, and work to make things right. Expecting perfection from other people will always disappoint us and will eventually drive others away from us. Who wants to keep trying to gain trust when that trust is simply unattainable?
So pay attention to glaring red flags, but also pay attention to the positive traits of the people in your life. This will strengthen both you and them. It will not necessarily make everything feel like it is going to be ok, but it can keep you from having to miss out on relationship entirely. Look at the evidence as objectively as you can. Find a good risk, and risk trusting. Acknowledge that there is a level of risk and decide to go forward. It is often the inner child that keeps demanding further proof, that keeps imagining he or she will finally feel secure if only the person does [fill in the blank]. The inner child is not the one to consult about these kinds of decisions. Find the adult part of yourself, and go through the grief and loss process. The adult part has to decide if another human is a good risk, and this involves risk to find out. Sometimes we find out we were wrong. You are going to be let down; we all are. Trust is hard for everyone, and no one wants to be hurt. But practice being an adult. Acknowledge who you are trusting. Distinguish between childish wishes and adult acceptance of reasonable risk. Don’t just say no first and make others coax you into relationships. Trying not to trust anyone is not a good life. You have choices. You can say yes, no, ask questions, etc. Otherwise, you deprive yourself. The fact for all of us is that, when we refuse ever to risk, we become problematic risks ourselves.
There are situations, however, in which we do well to learn not to trust a particular person. Sometimes people show us evidence that trusting them is not reasonable. When this happens, we can acknowledge it and respond accordingly but still move forward in life with joy. You can be ok, even if it takes time. God made it possible to move through things, to heal, to keep moving. You do not have to let that person’s choices tell you what everybody is like. Are you letting the least-trustworthy people from your past tell you what all human beings are like? If you have already discovered that those people were not worthy of your trust, they may not make good lenses through which to view the rest of the world.
Ironically, despite the flawed nature of human beings and the perfection of God, we often trust people more than we trust God. We view people as more of a sure thing because we can see them. Do you have history with God? Do you engage with Him? Do you have reason to believe He is trustworthy? Do you believe that He wants a relationship with you and that He is patient with your doubts? Engage with Him. He knows trust is always a risk, but that refusing ever to trust is always to risk even more.
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Practice makes perfect, right? Well, that depends on what we are practicing. Habits are powerful, and repetition makes them stronger. This can be a huge advantage when we form and reinforce positive habits; it means we automatically do positive things without the decision fatigue that can come with making so many conscious decisions. Habits are useful and efficient because they allow us to engage in our day-to-day lives without consciously engaging in a conscious decision-making process for every move we make. Without them, it would be difficult to get through the day. But this process can backfire when we form and reinforce negative habits because they become part of our automatic approach to life; they become natural to us. Our bad habits are powerful and hard to change.
Humans develop habits of the heart, habits of the mind, and habits of the body. Each can be positive or negative, and some can start as positive but become negative as they reach extremes or take on roles they were not meant to play. Habits of the heart can include patience or impatience, forgiveness or unforgiveness, acceptance or obstinacy, kindness, cruelty, indifference, truthfulness, lying, and so many others. Habits of the mind can include taking every thought captive (II Corinthians 10:5), policing your own thoughts, self-hatred/self-criticism, judgments of others, lying, and more. Habits of the body can include reaching for a seatbelt or a cigarette, eating habits, use and misuse of alcohol, nicotine, or other drugs, engaging or not engaging in healthy behaviors like exercise or taking appropriate medications, and physical violence. Each of these can be positive or negative, and our brains engage with each of these by forming neural nets that become triggered by context and lead us more easily into enacting that habit. This means that each time we engage in one of these habits, we reinforce it for the next time.
Regarding thought habits, Cinthia cited Proverbs 23:7, which states, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is.” She also recommended a book written by James Allen in 1903 called Dealing with the Power of Thought. We become what we think. What do you think within yourself? Into what is it making you? God’s thoughts are higher than ours.
Habits can be changed, broken, and built, but doing so requires real commitment. Starting is often the hardest part. So first, consider your “why:” Why do you want to change this? Intense change requires powerful motivation. Incentives and rewards can help reinforce new habits, but engagement in the idea in the first place makes things much easier. Next, consider the context and dynamics of the habit you want to change. Put yourself in situations that make it easier to repeat the new habit and resist the old one. Use your body to get where you need to be. (For example, if you want to go to the gym but also do not want to go, just stand up. Standing is not the same as going, and you can still not go once you stand up. Then walk toward the door. You still don’t have to go; just walk toward the door. Perform one part of the process at a time without committing to the next step yet.) As you progress in your habit formation, find a way to give yourself small rewards such as praise from an accountability partner. Remove the barriers to success, and get some distance when you need it. (For example, if you need to get away from the refrigerator, walk around the block, etc.) Remind yourself that following the new path will get easier. (Often new habits gain more power after about twenty-one days of consistent repetition.) Be sure not to shame yourself; remember, your brain thinks it is helping you by trying to direct you toward old habits. There are costs to new behaviors, such as paying more for vegetables than for unhealthy foods, so find ways to adjust to the costs. Surround yourself with encouraging messages. Speak a Bible verse into your phone and play it for yourself throughout the day. And share the gift: help your children form good habits, positive routines, and healthy self-talk.
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The past is hard for everyone. Some long for the past, while others want to erase or avoid it. Many of us want to erase parts of our pasts while holding onto others. But the key to dealing with the past is not romanticizing it or avoiding it; it is learning from it. Cinthia states today that “time is either a guide into your future or a tormentor that can’t be changed.” Which will you allow your past to be for you?
One of the reasons learning from the past can be tricky is that lots of factors impact our memory of it. Neuroscientists have found that people rarely remember the past with perfect accuracy. Sometimes family members seem to genuinely “remember” the same events very differently. How do we know what is fact and what is simply our experience or perception? One key is to be gentle with your past. Remember, the goal is not to live in the past or use it to judge ourselves or others. We do have to resist what we know is untrue. Rewriting the past is not helpful. We can face what we know and find the options we have with those things, like forgiving ourselves and others. Without facing our pasts, we tend to try to redo the same things over and over again. What do you need to learn in order to stop repeating the same mistakes and dynamics? You can borrow from the past, but don’t live there.
We honor ourselves and the past when we learn things that help us going forward. Are there things about your past you can clarify? Time is something that we experience and observe. It relates to sequential events and changes. Memory of the past is useful when we learn from it but detrimental when we use it for self-flagellation. The past is not for beating up ourselves or others. Who do you need to forgive, including yourself?
Address the past, but realize that you are in the present. Repeating the same mistakes and dynamics, continually trying to get what we needed but did not get in the past, contaminates our future. Resist the compulsion to redo everything; allow the past to be over, even while you face it. Don’t ignore the past. Do the work of self-forgiveness. Judging our past actions and judging our past selves are different things, just as judging others’ actions and judging other human beings is different. Be willing to learn and forgive.
Remember, rules without relationships produce rebellion, and hypocrisy happens when we cannot live up to our own standards. God wants to work with you. He has seen your sin, your mistakes, your errors. If He Who is perfect can face what you have done, He can help you to face it. God has power and wisdom to work through all of this. He is not torn between acknowledging the reality of your evil actions and loving you; He has solved that problem. So how is God revealing Himself through you or to you? Is He doing it through your strengths or weaknesses? He wants us each to ask Him about what He is doing with us. We all have things in our past. But we don’t have to let that get in the way of what God wants to do through us. Don’t let shame get in the way of having a relationship with Him. Let Him lead you into being the version of you He intended you to be when He made you.
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Today’s topic is the neuroplasticity of the brain and how we can use it to take charge of our own thought processes. Cinthia opened today with a quote usually attributed to Albert Einstein: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.” We see the problems that occur with repeating behaviors that are not working, but what about our thoughts? Our brains create what are called “neural nets,” or networks of brain cells that learn to fire in succession in response to outside stimuli; these are often compared to superhighways in the brain. This creates habits of thought that we often do not even notice because we are so used to them. For example, the phone rings, and you see a particular name on the screen. What thoughts go through your head automatically? The stimulus happens, the thoughts begin… and, before you know it, you are traveling down that old familiar superhighway with its familiar assumptions and other habits of thought. And every time you travel the highway, it gets reinforced, becoming more entrenched and powerful in your brain and your life. Thus, our brains create these “crazy-fast” reactions to stimuli, but we can take control of this process and retrain our brains to respond differently.
Sarah Gibson has written about this concept with the old computer-inspired idea of GIGO: “Garbage in, garbage out.” We can, she emphasizes, decide what ideas to feed ourselves. We can decide which thoughts to dwell on. We can reroute the garbage truck, so to speak, and actively work to take the “trash” out of our brains. We can create bypasses to help us stop traveling the superhighways that are not helping us. God made our brains to work for us, not against us. Are you a lazy thinker? Challenge your own thoughts and feelings. Update and maintain your own roads. Take responsibility for the roads you travel. Clean up the negativities, the lies, the assumptions. Reroute the garbage truck. All of this is easier to say than to do, but it is well worth the work.
First, start to notice the neural nets that exist for you. In what areas do you quickly find yourself starting down a familiar thought/feeling/reaction path? Cinthia discussed her own struggle with mental “superhighways” related to an eating disorder that began early in her life; for her, there are still triggers to follow a mental track related to fears of being fat, triggers she has to consciously and intentionally resist. We may have perceptions about why other people do what they do, and our thoughts on this reinforce our judgments and assumptions about others. Some people have superhighways related to fears of trusting anyone. Sometimes we think we know what will happen in a situation because we believe that is what “always” happens, but we may actually be overgeneralizing. What are your superhighways? What are your triggers to jump on those ramps, and what thoughts and feelings occur in response to those triggers?
Once you identify some patterns, the first thing to do is learn to pause. To continue our superhighway analogy, pull your mental “car” over into a safe spot and take a minute to examine what just happened and where you are now headed. Question your immediate emotional response. Seek different information. Find out what else there is to know. Clarify with the person who made a comment; what did they mean by that? Remember, our brains create these “crazy-fast” reactions based on emotional response. Remember, feelings are very real, but they are not always true. Don’t believe everything you think!
We can retrain our reactions, but it is also important to recognize that some superhighways in our minds are so entrenched that we may struggle with them for a very long time, just as Cinthia described still having to resist eating-disordered thoughts decades after she has stopped living as an eating-disordered person. Especially when we are dealing with roads that were formed when we were young or roads that were formed through trauma or deep wounding, roads we have traveled for years or as a way to avoid other painful roads, there may always be a first reaction, an impulse to get on the “ramp” toward the series of thoughts and behaviors the brain has learned to enact in response to parts of life. The brain may still go to the old road automatically, but, remember, you can teach your brain to hit the brakes before heading down the superhighway. Work on construction of the new bypass system. Every time you travel the old roads, you make them stronger, but every time you take yourself down a new path, you help to construct and strengthen that new route. We have more control over our own thoughts than we give ourselves credit for.
One thing that can help us as we try to build new roads is a back-to-basics approach toward what is important. This approach stresses simplicity, focuses on the essentials, and proactively moves us toward the things that make the most difference. It helps us do what matters instead of getting bogged down in unnecessary complexity. If you think simplifying life could help you, consider these practical steps:
- Identify the things that add unnecessary complexity, busy-ness, and overwhelm to your life and work. What really matters to you, and what hijacks your time and energy away from those things?
- Create a plan to reduce or eliminate those things. (This may involve some grief and loss.)
- Identify things that are most efficient and effective, the things that make the most difference toward helping you accomplish what really matters.
- Create a plan to maximize those things.
- Put boundaries in place to protect these changes.
Cinthia shared several verses from Proverbs that offer simple principles we can use to identify what is helping or hurting us, including Proverbs 10:9, 10:17, 14:15, 16:25, 27:6, and 27:12. She also offered some questions to ask ourselves, such as the following: Have I considered the possible outcomes for my course of action, or am I just excited about an idea and hoping that it works? Do I think I am the exception to a rule in some area? Sometimes we need to relearn basic truths about God in order to be able to let go of things that are getting in the way of what is best for us. God’s heart is never geared toward depriving us or taking away what is truly good; He wants the best for us. But sometimes we hold on to what we think is best, and it keeps us from enjoying the gifts He really wants to give us. So find some verses or sayings and implement them into your life. Remind yourself of what you know. Don’t just let life happen to you. Be committed to yourself—to your actual good, not your immediate gratification. The more committed you are to yourself, the less it will take to maintain and care for yourself over time.
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Human beings are locked in time while we live on the earth, and we used to know it. The sun went down, and people could no longer see to continue working, which meant they had to end the day’s work and rest. Time used to pace us, just as our bodies used to do. Now, however, we seem to be in a game against time. Our technology allows us to multitask at unprecedented levels. We move faster and are not even aware of the moments in which we exist. We regret the past, reliving what we cannot change, and we rush ahead into the future, planning and conquering moments that have not yet arrived -- and, when they do arrive, we are already in the next set of moments. Our minds can go places that our bodies cannot go, and our bodies are exhausted by struggling and being left behind. We watch each other dissociate, splitting ourselves and failing to be present where we are; this is hard on our psyches.
Time is a set condition, albeit one we fail to honor in the modern era. Time is on its own journey and has its own calling. It is bound by Something much bigger than we are. We are under the impression now that we manage and control time, but, in reality, we can only respect or disrespect it. We are arrogant to think that we can control time; this is a containment issue. It is tragic to die without having lived, but how can we take advantage of time when we do not respect it? Time is on our side, in a way; its existence means that we each have time. Would you find it easy to waste what you knew was yours, or would you capitalize on it? The existence of time gives each of us time to change, time to live, time to seek God, time to spend. God does not often tell us how much time we each have, but we only have so much. Time is like a Rubik’s cube; no matter how we work it, we never seem to be able to get it the way we really want it to be.
Learning to respect time involves learning to accept the past as something we cannot change. We must learn to forgive our parents and others who made mistakes that hurt us, and it often helps to recognize that most of them probably wanted to do well by us. The present can be changed, but the past has to be faced, healed, forgiven, accepted, etc.
There is a difference between living and existing. Learning to respect time means learning to appreciate the amazing fact that God uses us to reveal Himself. He may do it through our strengths or our weaknesses, but there is no greater purpose. He is a God of paradox, though not of moral contradictions. God can work through all or none of what we have. He is a God of relationship who deals well with the gray areas and the complications, despite His own perfection and faithfulness.
Cinthia discussed an article by Steve Bloom in which he pointed out that we often go through our days as if we had no power to change our lives for the better. Drifting through life can seem like less work, but it is quite lonely and, in the long-run, more difficult than using time well. Have you ever tried to dance with someone who will not dance? The difference between living and existing has a lot to do with how much control you have over your own life and from where you see that control coming. There is a difference between hoping and steering. We do not get to determine everything that comes our way, but we do get to decide whether we show up and how much control to give to different emotions, etc. Merely existing can involve staying in lives we dislike simply out of a lack of hope. Cinthia stated, “I would rather you mess up and have a story about how you messed up than to have no story.” Coveting others’ lives and blessings can also be a way of wasting our own time.
Time is always going the same way, and there will be a day when it stops. Time is something you own in a sense; it is your time. We can think of our days as tickets we spend. Are you learning the lessons that time is trying to teach you so that you can move on to the next lesson? The hallmark of a fool is that he never hears; he is so caught up in his own way of thinking that he repeats his own folly and just blames others. Each of us dies as a sole person.
Time is a gift from God, and using time wisely is a way of honoring the Giver. Do you love the gift more than the Giver? Do you want His blessings more than you want Him? What does God have to show you about time? What most tempts you to waste time? You cannot know how much time you have, but there is a limit. Time is a friend; it paces us, directs us, shows us the next steps. There will come a day when there is no time; we will be timeless. But right now you have today. Do the things that need to be done in time.
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When we do not take responsibility for being the best versions of ourselves, we often move toward pleasure to mitigate the pain. Now, pleasure is not bad -- it’s great, actually. But pleasure always has a price. Sometimes the price is worth paying, but, when we are using pleasure to mitigate pain, we often pay more than we acknowledge ourselves to be losing for our pleasure. Not only that, but we inflict a cost on others, sometimes without even being aware we are doing it.
A primary concept in today’s broadcast is that good character understands and respects the price of pleasure. Furthermore, good character qualities actually produce emotional, intellectual, spiritual, relational, and physical benefits. Consider the price of an addiction to yourself and to others versus the cost and eventual benefits of sobriety. Becoming a sober-minded person also has a cost, but, in the long-run, the gain is larger and the cost (for you and for others) less than that of continuing to be dominated by addiction as a way to deal with pain.
Pain is real. Pain management, when done morally, is the best antidote and possible cure for pain in this living world. It isn’t easy, though; that’s the problem. What do you need to do to deal with your pain? How do you do that? And what is your alternative? How much does it cost you to constantly be wanting to feel good, to need pleasure and propping up at all times? Pain is real, but is your antidote too costly for you and others? Consistently moving toward pleasure, especially pleasure without work, causes you to be a deductor rather than a contributor in others’ lives. Do you show up at the party wanting only to receive, or do you show up expecting to contribute in some way to the overall positive experience that people have there? We can even have this attitude about salvation, appreciating Jesus’s death and resurrection for our salvation but not doing much to help others experience His love since our salvation is covered.
Cinthia read II Timothy 3:1-5 from the New Living Translation, which includes a lengthy list of disturbing character traits that would become prevalent in the last days, and an encouragement not to invest our time and energy in relationships with people who primarily influence us toward those things. Human beings influence one another. We teach each other by example, give license to each other by what we do. We learn from each other all the time. In the modern era we tend to reject the idea that we each have a responsibility to society, confusing it with codependency or carrying the world on our shoulders. But we each have influence, and we each have a responsibility to own that influence. We all lead and follow, teach and are taught, even when we strive not to do one of those things. Doing any of them well requires humility. Your life really matters. Even if you don’t want to be seen, that sends a message. Bad behaviors weaken the person we were meant to be. You are a once-occurring person in the history of the universe, and you are responsible for the version of yourself that you choose to be and for the ways that influences those around you.
Discernment is important, and we can learn to be more discerning. Discernment involves learning to see what is beneath the surface, judging well, seeing past illusions into the reality that underlies them. It involves seeing things that are easy to overlook, things that appear to be inconsequential. It also involves knowing when to ignore the loudest part of what is happening when that part is only a distraction from more important pieces. Discernment is considered a virtue in Christianity. It gives us the ability to identify the voice of Wisdom and follow her at any cost. James 1:5 says that, if anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God. The Holy Spirit can give us wisdom. One way to practice discernment is to pay attention to information from all three “brains:” the head, the heart, and the gut. The head helps us with factual information, logic, making sense of things. The heart experiences feelings, which give us information our brains may not have noticed and help us sort out levels of importance. The gut can alert us to warning signals of which the head and heart were not aware. Discernment requires time; it works best when you do not rush into judgments.
Remember, discernment helps us recognize wisdom so we can follow her regardless of the cost. Crave discernment. Take your time, and don’t rush into judgment, even of yourself. Ask God for wisdom, and let your Creator help you to become the version of yourself that He meant you to be.
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Do you reject compliments, explaining why you don’t really deserve them? Do you get nervous when someone does something nice for you, turn down offers of help even when you could really use them, or hate the feeling you get when someone forgives you or extends grace and kindness your way? Today’s show is on letting other people love you.
It can be scary and humbling to let someone love you and give you grace. The enemy (i.e., Satan) will try to exploit this by encouraging you to think that you are in a one-down position. Sometimes it is easier to accept good things from a stranger because we do not worry there will be an ongoing obligation in the relationship. But grace, kindness, forgiveness, and help are meant to be gifts of honor. Do not insult the person trying to honor you by rejecting that honor.
So how do we honor the gifts of love others give us? Well, if we are gifted forgiveness, grace, and covering, change is the best response. Grace helps us have energy to get up again and do it right, to fix what we have broken, to undo what we have done. Allow people to love you when you mess up. Love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8). Covering often sounds negative to us because we confuse it with toxic secrecy or enabling. The kind of covering that God does for us, however, is not like this; it is a gift of grace meant to protect us while we are working on repentance and change. Think of covering wounds while they heal; we do not just bleed all over the house and allow the wounds to be open and exposed to further harm. We cover wounds appropriately to help them heal. Covering or hiding as a gift of grace means that those who love us choose not to expose our ugliness while we work on repentance and change, knowing that change takes time. God gives more because He has endurance people do not. Covering is not permission to keep deepening the wound; covering is beautiful.
If we are given courtesy or help, we can offer a sincere thank-you. Do not insult the person offering good because you are uncomfortable. Give courtesy and graciousness in exchange. Accept the gesture and be grateful for the thought. Good boundaries will help with this; do not try to read the person’s mind or assume their expectations without knowing them. If there is a motive, you are not obligated to recognize it unless they tell you. Unless you have real reason to believe they want something in return (e.g., the person has a history of trying to put you in his/her debt, or there are clear signs of a scam in play), then you cannot read minds to figure it out. You can, however, be nice. You can be polite, gracious, forgiving. “Our Father is kind; you be kind [Luke 6:36, The Message version].” Cinthia continues, “Kindness supports peace, and peace loves to linger. See, peace is a quality that expands. Kindness is a quality that is catching. God is a God of peace. He’s always going to war with the people that are harming us. And there needs to be that protection, and He’s able to restore and protect and to save those that are oppressed, harmed, wounded, injured.” So be gracious in your responses to others, and do not allow suspicion to steal the joy of the gift. If you find later that someone had ulterior motives (e.g., wanted something in return), you can say “no” then. You can say, “I wish you would have told me you were needing/wanting something in return. What can I do?” And if you cannot do what they want, you can tell the person that you will not be able to accept help from him/her in the future.
Cinthia discussed I Corinthians 13 and encouraged little ways to give kindness and spread mercy and truth. She also encouraged self-forgiveness, explaining, “The only reason for having baggage is not having attended to it; move on,” and, “You’re going to be able to love deeply if you also forgive yourself.”
Finally, Cinthia discussed Attachment Theory, which therapists use to discuss how humans attach, and how the motives behind a tendency to reject love often have to do with fear. She discussed the messages people with avoidant or ambivalent attachment styles can send others, such as, “Come here; go away,” and, “I could take or leave you.” She discussed both fear of rejection and fear of acceptance, explaining that God has made humans to need connection and that our defensive structures try to protect us from the pain of not being connected, as well as the pain of being connected, which is also threatening. Our defensive structures protect us too well; our radars give us false readings. We try to protect ourselves from harm, but we protect ourselves from what we need. There are scary implications for acceptance – fear of relationship, commitment, being loved or wanted, fear of the future, coming to depend on someone and then getting rejected, etc. – But the attempt to avoid this pain and loneliness tend to encourage a constant level of pain and loneliness. Are you ambivalent about relationships? Some part of you really wants connection, but it really frightens another part of you.
Cinthia recalled the “False Evidence Appearing Real” definition of fear and encouraged identifying the core beliefs behind our fears of accepting good from other people. For example, one might say to himself, “I’m not a good risk. I’m not going to do this -- all I’ll get is let down. I’m just going to keep working on myself by myself until I feel confident enough to put myself out there.” Cinthia recalled struggling with her own core beliefs about herself and realizing that part of acceptance was accepting herself. She explained that God finally said to her, “Cinthia, I didn’t consult you when I created you. I made you for me. I’m happy with you. I like the way I made you. I’m excited to spend eternity with you, Cinthia. So you can either get on the same page as me, or you can be miserable until you come home.” This led her to work on accepting the things she could not control, picking battles differently, getting stuck on fewer things, letting things go, etc.
We need to know the God Who loves us and to begin to accept ourselves. The more I accept myself, the safer I am to other people. The fears of acceptance and rejection never go away until heaven, so we need to let people love us.
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Today's topic is devotion, devotions, and the interaction between the two. Devotion has to do with love, loyalty, enthusiasm for someone or something, faithfulness, fidelity, and even strong emotional attachment. It can also have to do with religious worship or observance. A devotion can be a quiet time spent praying, reading the Bible, reflecting, singing, journaling, or making time for something or someone to which or to whom you are devoted.
Devotion is not always intentional. We may find ourselves devoted to a variety of things, some of them dangerous, foolish, or simply not worthy of the level of devotion we give them. Cinthia reflected that, in the 1980's, she was devoted to Diet Pepsi and smoking; this was evidenced by the time, energy, resources, and obsession she put toward these things. She would not have called this "devotion" at the time, but that is what it was. Intentional devotion times can help us intentionally grow our devotion to the things to which we want to devote ourselves. Investing our time, energy, focus, and resources in something attaches us to that thing, and our decision to invest that way reveals our devotion. To what does your life show you are devoted? How much time and energy do you pour into that thing?
The things to which we devote ourselves control our lives, and once you devote to something, it is hard to undo it. We can experience chronic disappointment or discouragement, cynicism, a tendency to hurry through spiritual practices. Do you become unreasonably upset if you miss a workout? Do you find yourself more devoted to religion than to the God behind it?
If you want to practice spiritual devotions, be aware that there is no magic formula for making them feel rapturous all the time. Devotion means that we are practicing devoting ourselves, and this does not always feel like magic. But there is great power in the regular practice of ordinary devotions. The Holy Spirit gives us tiny tastes sometimes of what it will be like to connect with Him in eternity, and it leaves us longing for more. But the daily disciplines of Bible reading, prayer, courtesy to others, managing our own emotions, etc., do not always carry those same sense of spark. They are soul exercise, shaping our souls like physical exercise shapes our bodies. They increase strength and endurance. They force us to attend to things beyond our own distractions, self-indulgence, and unhealthy obsessions. They give God space in which to get through to us. Engaging with the Word of God is like fight training; the more time we spend with the Sword of the Spirit (i.e., His Word), the more skilled we will become as spiritual warriors.
In some ways this can be like marriage. When people first fall in love, devotion to one another may come easily. Being together feels like magic, like bliss, like experiencing ourselves and the world like we have always longed to experience those things, even if we never knew it. But, as time goes on, learning to spend ordinary, not-always-exciting life together involves discipline, and that discipline ultimately increases our capacity to delight in one another when the "fireworks" times appear. Cultivating the light in one another, intentionally pursuing one another throughout all kinds of life circumstances, increases our ability to experience the exciting parts of marriage at other times. Similarly, it's ok if there is often no special spark in your daily devotions, if they don't usually feel like magic. They still build who you are. So don't let them get crowded out or get apathetic and "whip through them."
Jesus wants us to see Him and savor Him. Only the eyes of faith can see Him. Faith is not blind, but unbelief is. Faith is seeing the reality that unbelieving eyes cannot see. The Bible says that faith comes from hearing and hearing through the Word of Christ (Romans 10:17). Daily devotions train our faith eyes, and this is important in order for us to be able to see the glory of God in our world. They realign our thinking with His, sometimes very gradually.
Devotions actually help us to be more ourselves. As Cinthia explains, "I was God's idea," which means that she and we need to be in line with what He meant for each of us to be in order to fulfill the purposes for which he made us. Packer notes, "Our God is a God Who not only restores, but takes up our mistakes and follies into His plans for us and brings good out of them." So, Cinthia explains, devotions are not just about dry religion or duty, even when they feel somewhat ordinary or dry. "It's about knowing the God Who created you and was excited about you when He did it," she says, "...the God that wants to come alongside you and help you be the best version of you so that you actually enjoy yourself as much as He enjoys you, and that you can find some power, you can find some comfort in being with yourself." Devotions increase our access to the bigger picture and our commitment to it.
For some, classic devotional books can really help by giving us a framework of beautiful truths to implant deeply in our hearts. Three of Cinthia's favorites are The Red Sea Rules, Jesus Calling, and Streams in the Desert. Cinthia closed today by sharing some insights from these books, including one from Psalm 77:19 and one from Exodus 14:1-2. She also shared one from I Kings 12:24, in which God states, "This thing is from Me." She read an excerpt about how this applies to our lives, too, since God often brings or allows things that do not make sense to us but always makes a way through them. From The Red Sea Rules, she shared these reflections on that passage: We keep our eyes on Christ, and He always makes a way. "Life's disappointments are veiled Love's appointments." "Grieve not for things you seemed to miss/ The thing I send is best for thee."
Sometimes we have to delight in cultivation. The more we seek after God, the more we know Him. Trusting God does not always feel good or logical, but the more we seek after Him, the more we know Him. God is a God Who does not lie. The one who seeks Him finds Him -- and finds God was seeking him or her first.
Devotions are a way to practice devoting ourselves, attaching ourselves, shaping ourselves, conforming ourselves to what we love. To what are you devoting yourself?
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Like it or not, humans need to attach to other humans. We may not want to need that; we may associate it with pain and fear, or may simply not have developed the skills to attach well. We may actually push away the very thing we need. But it doesn’t stop us from needing to be loved, seen, understood by someone. Today Cinthia challenged us to let “them” (i.e., other human beings who are willing to extend grace and give kindness) love us – to accept compliments with a smile and a “thank you,” to receive gifts offered, to allow those who love us to support us as we change.
God is with us while we are in the process of change. We may want to run from ourselves and our sins, but He is willing to be with us and help us while we change, even while we are fighting Him. He extends grace and mercy without limit during our lives, but we may find that others have limits and will only keep trying for so long if we continue to push them away from us. Allow those who love you to support you as you change.
Sometimes it is easier to accept kindness from strangers than from people who are close to us. This may be because the temporary nature of our relationship with strangers serves as a built-in boundary that does not exist in our more substantial relationships. We can, however, develop our own boundaries so that we are able to accept kindness from those closest to us. And the better your boundaries are, the more loving you can be toward others. Don't expect something in return when you are giving kindness to others. Don't allow suspicion to steal from you when accepting a gift. You are not responsible for strings and expectations that were not communicated or obvious. You cannot read minds. You can simply enjoy it. Don't decide for others what they are expecting in return.
Do you fear there are strings attached to accepting a kindness? You don't have to read the person's mind. If someone appears to be offering kindness, you have the option to accept it. If it turns out that there are strings attached, you can address it when you find out that is the case. You can say, "I wish I had known you were wanting this. What can I do now?" You can explain that you will not be able to accept that person's gifs in the future if the gifts come with similar expectations. Most of the time, however, the payment that means the most to people who extend grace and mercy is continuing to live as a changed person. So say, "Thank you." Accept the compliment. Say, "That means a lot to me," or, "That really helps." Don't insult the person trying to extend good to you by believing your own negative feelings more than their kindness. Accepting simple kindness does not mean you owe the person something. As an adult, you can stop accepting love from someone if it turns out to be problematic. You can even walk away without judging. You can have boundaries without allowing your heart to become corrupted.
The world has changed, but God is still doing big, cool things. God is kind. You be kind. Kindness supports peace, and peace loves to linger. It loves to calm things down. God is a God of peace. He goes to war for very specific reasons, many of which have to do with rescuing the oppressed, but He loves peace. Read or reread I Corinthians 13. Practice the Love Chapter on yourself. It feels weird, but it is very powerful when you are willing to forgive yourself and be understanding. It may be a cliche to say that you have to love yourself first, but people truly have a need to be seen, claimed, and accepted. (And remember, acceptance of a person does not mean agreement with that person's decisions. Acceptance of yourself does not mean agreeing with all your own decisions.) Peace is a quality that expands. Kindness is a quality that is catching. The way that we love people has much to do with our own insecurities and judgments. We may put a lot of conditions on our love for others, just as we do with our love for ourselves. When we practice loving ourselves the way God does, we develop the ability to love others with that love.
God covered Adam and Eve. Covering involves hiding something unattractive or something that misrepresents or convolutes the nature or something else. Covering does not mean that the sin doesn't matter; it simply gives an opportunity to fix it. Love doesn't want to expose your sin; it loves to help you get better so that you don't have to be embarrassed. This is very different than keeping secrets that only enable sin to continue or grow. Covering or hiding is a gift of grace. There are times with some people when we have to recognize that grace is being misunderstood as permission or opportunity to keep sinning, and we have to respond accordingly. But the kind of covering that love does is beautiful. It's a beautiful thing that a perfect God is willing to be with us, cover us, help us change. It is beautiful when we do that for one another in appropriate ways. Allow those who love you to support you while you work on becoming the best version of yourself. Let the love extended to you help to heal your heartaches and shame. Blocks to receiving can cause us to be hurt more and to hurt others more. We push away the very thing that we need. Perfectionism will keep us from getting what we need, whether we direct it toward ourselves or insist others be perfect before we trust them with anything at all.
You are here for a reason. God is not surprised. It is important for you to find out what God has put in you to change the world you are in.
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What does it take to be attractive? Often we think of characteristics that are beyond our control or measures that require lots of time and money. Some changes would even require compromises to a person’s value system. Is attractiveness something that most of us are doomed to miss, or that we can have only briefly before age takes it away from us? Today Cinthia explains that attractiveness can be defined as “pleasing or appealing to the senses,” a definition that is far more within-reach than we might think. It doesn’t require looking like a model, being wealthy, or compromising one’s value system. Instead, it is about the experience people have when they interact with you. Some of the traits are physical; cleanliness, for example, is more likely to please the senses of another person than poor hygiene. But even our physical characteristics are often made more or less attractive by things like our facial expressions, manners, and other ways of presenting ourselves. So how do we make ourselves attractive?
We start by observing what we are currently attracting. What types of people tend to be in your life? What are you attracting, and what information does this give you about the way you may be presenting yourself in the world? If you want to attract something different than what you have been attracting, what changes might you need to make?
We continue by considering the experience others have when they are around us or when they have us in their lives. This is not about trying to figure out someone else’s ideal and match it; it’s simply about self-awareness regarding the way our choices impact those around us. What is it like to be around you, to have a conversation with you, to build a life with you, to have you for a friend? Are you generally friendly, angry, bitter, dismissive, genuine, loving, confident, needy? Are you kind, gentle, willing to do what needs to be done? Are you courteous, brave, patient? Do you try to disappear? What is the “aroma” that your way of handling yourself and treating others tends to leave in a room? Are your comments caustic, life-giving, sarcastic, insightful, unnecessary, unheard? What is the experience of being around you like for others?
Some of becoming attractive does have to do with the way we care for ourselves physically, though it does not require physical perfection or obsession with wrinkles or the number on a scale. For example, if one’s physical appearance indicates a lack of respect for self or others of others (e.g., poor personal hygiene, generally neglecting one’s health and/or grooming, etc.), that person’s appearance will be less appealing to others – not because it fails to achieve the cultural idea but because it fails to signal respect. Similarly, physical perfection that seems almost mask-like can be off-putting even while it is intriguing. Our outer selves can reflect our inner selves in ways that are appealing or unappealing. Have you ever been drawn to someone’s face because of the kindness in it? The confidence? The humor? We tend to think everyone sees us as we see ourselves, feels what we feel, and knows what we know. But other people are often more concerned with their own internal experiences than they are with ours, and they only have the information about us that we give them. So, if we want others to find themselves drawn to us, we should treat our bodies respectfully. Beyond that, someone who wants to be recognized as a professional may need to dress professionally. Someone who wants others to feel safe around them may need to avoid styles that others find shocking, frightening, or repulsive. A style or look can say, “Pay attention to me,” “Stay away from me,” “Protect me,” or, “Don’t bother me.” How do you feel about yourself and the world, and does the way you prepare yourself for the day reflect this? Whether we like it or not, our looks can be an unnecessary barrier to others; don’t cultivate a look that others cannot get past. Are you willing to put in the work to make your outside match your inside? Are you using your physical appearance to hide who you are by discouraging people from getting to know you? Remember, also, that the way you dress will affect your own cognitive functioning (as studies have shown) and mood. Honor yourself and those with whom you associate by caring for your appearance in a healthy, appropriate way.
What about attraction in marriage – what if you are not attracted to your spouse, or your spouse is not attracted to you? Attraction can be lost, gained, and altered. It may not be healthy to try to be someone you are not in order to match your spouse’s ideal, but neither is it healthy to expect your spouse to “get over” having to deal with your vulgarity, selfishness, immaturity, or disrespect. What is it like to be married to you? What experiences do you and your spouse give to each other?
Attraction is also impacted by what it is like to be associated with someone; we reflect on one another. This does not mean that we should control one another as a form of image management, but it does mean that we do not display ridiculous, insensitive behavior and then expect those close to us not to feel embarrassed by it. Those who join together do, in some ways, represent each other. So read the room. Do not make jokes that others find hurtful or consistently irritating. Pay some attention to whether an affair is black-tie or casual. You do not have to impress everyone positively, but enjoying impressing them negatively can be hard on the people who associate themselves with you. Remember, too, that you represent yourself and that, if you belong to God, you represent Him.
Humans are so complicated. Attraction can be very complex. It’s really a mystery. It’s a feeling, a sense, a feeling in your body of relaxing around that person or looking forward to being around them. Some qualities are always attractive to humans, while others like disrespect, vulgarity, immaturity, selfishness, etc., are pretty consistently unattractive. Interaction produces feelings in other people. Selfishness is like arsenic for all relationships. We need to be aware of what bugs the people to whom we are close. It’s not about popularity, focusing on being liked, etc. We don’t need to pressure ourselves to present a perfect image. Instead of thinking you have to watch every detail, think about the overall responses you are getting from people. Are you being honest with yourself and others in what you communicate through your dress, behavior, etc.?
A happy disposition can also be attractive, and, while we don’t necessarily want to fake being happy or ignore our other real feelings, there are ways to increase our own general happiness. Cinthia reviewed a list of things we can give up in order to increase personal happiness and, thereby, attractiveness:
-the need to change someone else so you can be right
-the need to control
-blaming others (Cinthia shared the saying, “A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame someone else.)
-self-defeating self-talk (The mind is a superb instrument when used rightly.)
-false beliefs (referring not so much to ideas held by the mind but to those ideas that hold the mind)
-complaining (Christian D Lawrence noted that we can complain that roses have thorns or be grateful that thorns have roses.)
-trying to get others to make you feel what you want to feel
-the need to impress others (Let them have the fun of impressing you! Remember, adults go into situations with their egos in check and do not need to be the best at everything.)
-resistance to change (Not all change is positive, but be aware of why you are resisting a particular change.)
-labels (These are often limiting, so be really careful about assumptions.)
Remember, attractiveness is not only about appearance. Be yourself, but be a version of yourself that honors who you are and the impact you have on those around you.
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We all have problems with trust. We want to trust. We get scared to trust. Some of us resist trusting, as if we could get through a single day without trusting anyone or anything. We have all found ourselves to be untrustworthy at times. Some of us trust too easily, layering our hopes on things that have not proven themselves worthy of it. Most of us trust the wrong things at some point. “Trust is a word I understand,” says Cinthia, “until I actually have to do it. It doesn’t feel like a heavy word until I actually have to carry it.” Today Cinthia opens her conversation on trust with Proverbs 3:5-7 and Numbers 23:19.
Cinthia cites the following concept by Henry Morris: “Faith is a noun; trust is a verb.” Faith is something we possess; trust is an action. As an example, she discusses events in 1859 when Charles Blondin became the first man to cross Niagara Falls on a tightrope. Thousands of spectators developed faith in his abilities as they watched him cross a 1,300-foot tightrope, only two inches in diameter. He walked. He ran. He set up a box camera and took pictures of the crowd from the tightrope. He walked backward and blindfolded. He back-flipped. He made an omelet. He did all these things on the tightrope over Niagara Falls before cheering crowds who increasingly had faith that he could do them. But the one who put his active trust in Blondin was his manager Colcord, who rode on Blondin’s back and was carried across the tightrope himself. Blondin told Colcord not to make any attempts to balance himself on the ride but to abandon himself to Blondin for that time, swaying with Him and trusting Blondin to do all the balancing. Colcord actively placed his trust in Blondin and rode safely across the falls. The crowd had faith; Colcord trusted. This is a beautiful picture of what it means to trust God; beyond simply holding beliefs about Him, we actively entrust ourselves to Him, learning to sway when He sways and abandon our own attempts at control. Also, notes Cinthia, we learn to trust Him to do the day we are doing right now, not worry about the next event.
It is popular in our society to encourage people to trust themselves, but trust should always be placed in something worthy of it. For that reason, trust always needs to start and stop with God, not ourselves. God does want us to learn to trust His ability to work through us, become more trustworthy people, and enjoy confidence in the strength He gives us. But using ourselves as the ultimately bedrock of trust is foolish unless we are perfect, and none of us are. Cinthia sums it up this way: “My trust always needs to start and stop with God, not myself. I trust in God as He is making me into a more trustworthy person.” He knows, she explains, that this will take time and be hard. Humans need time, struggle, and so many other things to become more trustworthy, and the task will not be completed fully in this life. The process of becoming more trustworthy is important. We have a responsibility to work toward becoming more trustworthy for ourselves and others.
So what about trusting others? Practically speaking, we have to give the gift of trust to someone; we cannot get through life without doing so. While we cannot place faith in people as if they were our gods, we do give the gift of trust to mistake-making, fallen people, including ourselves. Jesus was able to trust His disciples because He trusted His Father first. He did not make them the foundation of His identity, but He did place some things in their hands. We should choose whom to trust carefully, noticing things like whether they own their mistakes and make them right, and we should work toward becoming more worthy of trust ourselves. But we should not trust everyone all the time. We can even like people and not trust them. Colcord did not trust Blondin because Blondin made the idea sound good; Blondin had practiced his whole life and repeatedly demonstrated his trustworthiness before Colcord rode on his back. But humans are always a risk.
Each of us has places in our lives in which it is particularly hard to trust God. What seems natural and logical to us may not have the stamp of God on it. Cinthia reflects on her own questions about why God gifted her as a musical performer but led her away from life as a full-time performer. But, she says, we must trust in Who God is, not in the circumstances around us. Many of us have so much information about God, but do we actually trust in Who He is? Do we actually let Him be God in our lives? It is incredible that we dare not trust Him when He is so trustworthy, so active, so amazingly loving and beyond us. He is doing everything, working day and night. But many of us get disappointed by various kinds of loss. We all have ideas of how things should be, and life does not always turn out in those ways. We cannot understand all our circumstances, but we can actively place our trust in Who He is. What are the hardest areas for you to trust God? Is it hard to trust Him with your kids? With believing He has forgiven you? With your career or relationship status? With your health? With your identity? With your fears? With helping you to forgive others? With the letting go of an addiction for a day at a time? The middle verse in the Bible is Psalm 118:8, which says, “It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.” Cinthia encourages memorizing this verse and others, such as Numbers 23:19; Psalm 2:12; 5:11; 30:4; 34:22; 56:3, Proverbs 3:5-7;16:20; and 29:25. The more our faith is in God, the more trustworthy we ourselves will be. The more we trust God, the more we can change the world.
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Anger is a gift that helps us survive and protect, but it can also be used to destroy or to protect the wrong things in the wrong ways. Especially when paired with fear, anger can enable us to do things we would not or could not otherwise do. The adrenaline it triggers to flow through our bodies can energize us, helping us to confront wrongs and face fears that need to be faced -- look at all the improvements that have been made because someone got sick and tired of the way things were! Unfortunately, anger can also be used to scare, manipulate, intimidate, and take advantage of others. It can enable us to act as if we are superior to those around us, to avoid accountability or the need to follow rules. It can influence others to accept bad behavior. When anger and fear are paired together, they can annihilate a relationship. Violence – even verbal or emotional violence -- is hard to repair. Misdirected anger and anger expressed without morality can even be deadly. When a person settles into anger as an ongoing emotional state, it can dominate all of life. Such ongoing anger is very hard on the body since the body is not meant to absorb adrenaline constantly, and it is brutal on relationships.
There are lots of misconceptions about anger, such as that anger is a bad emotion, one that healthy people don’t feel. Some people fear their own anger so much that they have trouble finding it, perhaps even allowing themselves to be mistreated regularly rather than get mad enough to confront the situation. Some are embarrassed by their own anger or think it is not Christian to be angry, but this is not biblical. In fact, anger is simply an emotion and, as such, is neither good nor bad in and of itself. Anger is normal (though living angry is not and should not be). The failure to manage anger appropriately is what brings harm, not the anger itself. Anger does not take away our choices; it simply energizes us to carry out the choices we make. Anger can give us the courage to set boundaries appropriately, or it can prompt us to ignore the reasonable boundaries of others or the boundaries that exist for us.
Anger is a defense mechanism intended to keep us and others safe. You do not have to feel powerless to your anger. When you have a grasp on it, you can make sure it doesn’t control you. Anger has its own patterns, and these can give insight about yourself. Acknowledge and assess your own anger; this helps you know what to do to manage it well. Make sure you are aware of all your emotions (happy, mad, sad, scared) and that these are integrated so that you are not using one to avoid another; for example, don’t use anger to avoid feeling sadness. Learn ways to manage your anger and to express it constructively. Deep breathing may seem like a cliché, but remember that oxygen helps your body to absorb adrenaline instead of simply releasing more; this allows reason and logic to return. Learn to remove yourself from situations when necessary. Make needed changes in lifestyle. Talk to yourself about your anger in ways that are true and helpful (e.g., “I can express anger appropriately, and I can stay calm. I can relax my body. I can take deep breaths to give my brain oxygen.”). Consider times that you have seen anger handled well, and learn from those. Journal. Talk to yourself in the mirror, role-playing how you might handle situations.
As an acrostic to help you remember what it looks like when anger is used productively, Cinthia suggested the following: When anger is done right, it can be…
- Awesome as it paves the way for deeper connection
N- Nice if you speak the truth with kindness
G- (Resulting in) Good as you seek win-win-solutions
E- Energy-creating as it frees you to move forward instead of getting stuck
R- (You become) Real when you are honest with yourself and others
When done wrong, however, anger can be…
- Aggressive, fighting only to win and not listen
N- (Accomplishing) Nothing
G- Greedy
E- (Too) Easy, allowing us to dump our problems on others instead of doing the work to deal with them.
R- (Feels so) Right when I am unloading on someone, feeling self-righteous, unleashing my feelings without building anything up
Remember, anger is neither good or bad; it’s how we handle it. So how do you handle it? What happens in your life when you give yourself over to anger? Do you leave the room or hang up the phone? Swear? Shut down? Change the subject? Gossip? Play the martyr? Withhold affection? Deny the problem or other parts of reality? Accuse? Name-call? Do you tend toward aggression, passivity, passive-aggression? Ask others what your anger feels like to them. Then describe a time you have witnessed anger done right. What did you see? What do you want to learn to do with your anger? Remember, anger done right helps relationships to thrive. Learn the difference between the satisfaction that comes from well-handled anger and the immediate gratification that comes from acting like a toddler or teenager. What would it be like to learn to face your anger? Anger is a gift that can help keep you alive, but you don’t need to defend yourself from everyone. Own your anger. Take responsibility for the times you have handled it poorly. Start to integrate the following elements in your approach to anger: Be honest. Be kind. Slow things down. (E.g., Step back physically. Breathe. Assure the other person that there is time for discussion rather than urgency to say everything quickly.) Listen. Empathize, even if you don’t agree. Seek a win-win solution. Compromise where possible without going against your value system. Anger can help you survive without serving as a tool for pushing down other people.
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Is your emotional maturity appropriate for your age? Or do you find yourself functioning as a child emotionally despite living in an adult body? Whether you experienced difficulty in childhood that short-circuited your development by forcing you into pseudo-maturity, or whether you experienced a pleasurable childhood but were never required to move out of it, growing up emotionally is an important task that will change your life and relationships for the better. Today Cinthia encourages working toward three pillars of emotional maturity: knowing your priorities and living by them, understanding that change is necessary for growth, and accepting responsibility for the outcomes/consequences of your actions.
An emotionally immature person is not always immediately obvious, but stressful circumstances may reveal a person’s underlying level of emotional development by provoking displays of weak emotional management and poor impulse control. Conflict in relationships, big feelings, and dealing with one’s own mistakes are opportunities for maturity to shine and immaturity to glare. Defensiveness, denial, blaming others, avoiding important issues, storming out, playing the victim, complaining early and often, and needing to be reinforced for expected positive actions are just a few of the behaviors that can emerge in high-stress situations to reveal emotional immaturity. Even a situation as routine as having to wait in line can prompt a person to reveal his or her emotional age through actions, attitudes, statements, and non-verbal cues. Temper tantrums, recklessness, quickly-escalating emotions, becoming offended easily, lying, harmful coping skills (e.g., substance abuse), and a tendency to bully or attack others in some way can also be quick tip-offs that the person inside an adult body is not yet functioning as an emotional adult. At root, the emotional child is perpetually focused on himself or herself and needs the world to accommodate him or her so that he or she can feel okay; this can mimic narcissism (e.g., needing constant praise and attention, believing oneself entitled to special treatment) or look more like self-hatred (e.g., complaints and anger focused against oneself) but makes oneself the lens through which everything else is filtered. Emotionally immature people may need others to like them at all times, regardless of their habits or behaviors, and may even place demands or pressure for reassurance as they behave in ways that are insensitive to others. Those who interact with emotionally immature people can have a sense of needing to “walk on eggshells” to avoid explosions, hurts, etc. Emotionally immature people often hate responsibility and resent being bound by any kind of duty or obligation, though they may freely criticize others for failing to achieve the outcomes they expect. They tend to live beyond their means financially and to speak without thought, later expressing surprise or anger when someone expects them to follow through on what they said. Emotionally immature people can be foolish, repeating the same mistakes again and again to their harm and that of others. They may not leave their own comfort zones and, therefore, may continue not to grow; after all, contentment mixed with stretching toward growth is a mark of maturity. They have a hard time making sacrifices.
If you identify yourself in any of these descriptions, don’t despair; maturity is possible. In fact, we all have pieces of immaturity, but emotional adults require the adult parts of themselves to run their lives rather than abdicating the big jobs to their internal children. So how can you start to grow up in a world that does not always require it? First, stop insisting that the world change for you, and start to consider your responsibility to yourself and others in the world. Consider what needs to be done, and then do it. Initiate a conversation with someone you have let down; ask them how your behavior impacted them and listen without explaining away your decisions. Begin cleaning up your own messes and doing the jobs that are not fun. Reassure yourself with the truth that feelings do not have to be fatal and that you can tolerate feeling unsettled when doing the right thing requires it. Love yourself enough to say, “No,” to yourself sometimes, even when you feel your emotions gearing up for those internal temper tantrums. And, if you need professional help, get some; find someone who can help you learn to parent yourself well. Adulting is a tough thing to do, but it is one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves and for the world. Remember, you can always be a kid with God, but He made you with the capacity to grow up and be an adult in His world. He has purposes to fulfill in and through you, and He wants to walk beside you the whole time.
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Today Cinthia welcomes Peter Rosenberger to talk about his newest book, A Minute For Caregivers: When Every Day Feels Like Monday. As his website www.hopeforthecaregiver.com explains, Peter has been a caregiver to his wife Gracie for about four decades now since a tragic car accident at age 17 changed the direction of her life. Gracie has had more than 85 surgeries at this point, including the amputation of both legs below the knee, and continues to face daunting medical challenges. (In fact, she and Peter will be spending this Christmas in the hospital.) Gracie has started a prosthetic limb outreach to amputees in West Africa called Standing With Hope and has continued her music career despite her ongoing challenges. Peter, meanwhile, in addition to caring for Gracie’s practical needs, working with doctors, hospitals, and insurance companies, and grappling with millions of dollars in medical bills, has started a ministry to other caregivers called Hope for the Caregiver. He initially introduced a book by that name, has a podcast with 800 episodes to date, and regularly keeps engagements and media interviews. Peter has accompanied Gracie’s music and performs his own music, as well. His most recent book is a set of encouraging essays for caregivers who (as Peter knows) may not have large amounts of time to devote to reading but who commonly struggle with isolation and the loss of their own independence and identity. His conversation with Cinthia brims with hope and encouragement, partly because it so honestly acknowledges the ongoing pain and the difficult prognosis that impacts his life with Gracie. Although, unfortunately, the first segment of today’s show fell to technical difficulties, the remaining segments of the show are available intact and packed with hope.
Peter encourages caregivers to increase their situational awareness and to care for themselves appropriately. He emphasizes that the caregiving relationship is often lifelong and emphasizes that the recipients of care need their caregivers to remain alive and healthy, which means the caregivers must have their own care and also care for themselves. He also emphasizes that, while these difficult situations often have no end outside of death, even that end is not the end because Jesus has won over death. He emphasizes that the Gospel is either real or it’s not, and that understanding the Gospel gives meaning to the most difficult life situations. Jesus is called “Immanuel” in the Bible, which means “God With Us.” Peter explains, “We can’t go to Him. He has to come to us.” Peter encourages caregivers to acknowledge the weariness and the heavy-laden status that comes with their role and to learn over time to truly rest in Jesus. He asks, “Do you believe Him or not? And how would you or anybody else know?” His book is full of such “bedrock principles that I’ve learned through this process,” which he offers to help other caregivers also learn “how to stay with this and be healthy at the same time.” Peter talks about the “FOG of caregivers”- the fear, obligation, and guilt that can be ever-present; he encourages slowing down in response to such “FOG” just as one would slow down when driving in literal fog. He encourages, “Don’t try to look too far ahead or live in the wreckage of the future,” and urges caregivers not to “drive” in such “FOG” so fast that they cannot “slam on the brakes” when needed.
Peter describes playing the piano on his own after having accompanied Gracie for so long and realizing that he was no longer playing the song’s melody because he was used to Gracie doing that part. This, he said, is exactly what happens to caregivers over time – they lose their own voices and begin to talk and think in terms of what kind of day the other person is having, what “we” are facing, etc. He encourages caregivers to relearn how to speak in the first-person singular, to embrace Jesus’s love for them and not just for their loved ones, and to watch the movie The King’s Speech to observe the deep importance of having your own voice. He also encourages engaging in realism, legitimate mourning (which involves accepting the brokenness for what it is and trusting God in it), tears, and humor, recalling his own tribute to Jeff Foxworthy in which he outlined the signs that “you might be a caregiver.” God, notes Peter, is personal and intimate. He is Lord, even when life is painful and difficult and “every day feels like Monday.” He can teach even the caregiver to rest in Him. He concludes that caregivers and their loved ones should acknowledge their pain and cry their tears but also emphasizes, “We do not have to be miserable.” Peter’s book is available any place books are sold and is also available in audible, which he read himself. It can be a helpful gift for pastors and counselors as well as traditional caregivers.
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Garrison Keillor once said, “The lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” Whether you are working Christmas, spending it alone, hosting a gathering you hope will be beautiful, or gearing up to attend the usual round of work and family activities, you are in this with all the rest of us – and we all need to survive it!
Holidays are a time when we tend to think we should be happy, but they happen in the context of everything else. The expectation of warmth and cheer can highlight our pain and that of others. The consistency of traditions can emphasize the changes that have occurred over the last year, including difficult ones. Even positive changes can upset the family equilibrium, and sometimes the system wants to move back into its usual state. Exposure to family can bring back memories, good and bad, and stir up expectations that we should have more in common than we do.
Expectations can be strong around the holidays: “There’s no place like home for the holidays” – but what if your family is a wreck? “Christmas is a time for family” – but what if you don’t have one, or you live several states away and can’t afford to take time off and travel for the holidays? “Holidays should be joyous and happy” – but what if there has been a death? A job loss? What if you are depressed or struggling with anxiety? “Everything will be perfect this year” – but what if it isn’t, or it is and nobody seems to notice or care? Holidays are unknowns. We do not truly know what will happen on a given year, even if we do know the patterns, the leftover hurts and judgments, the way it has been before now.
So how do we survive the holidays? Well, the first step is to ask yourself, “What is it about the holiday that gets me down?” What are you wanting to get out of the holidays, and what do you fear will happen instead? Establish and acknowledge your hopes, fear, and expectations. Talk to someone trustworthy regarding what bothers you about the holidays so you can be less vulnerable when the holidays get here.
Next, acknowledge your options. Adults have choices. What can you choose to do or not do? Brainstorm the ways you could address your concerns. Even though you won’t be able to utilize every single option, acknowledge that you have those choices and are not trapped. If there is pressure to put up with someone you usually avoid, is this maladaptive or an opportunity?
Next, develop your coping skills, including your self-talk and the boundaries you will choose for yourself. See the lighter side; holidays are short. Remember, everybody’s a little bit out of their league when it’s family. Minimize over-indulging in food and alcohol to deal with the stress of the holidays. Identify what beauty you can create without paying the cost of unbearable stress. Think about the people who are problematic for you. Pray for them; pray for yourself. What is one thing God has said about you? Abou them? Hold onto that. You don’t have to get your needs met in that relationship; you can just accept the person. Spending time without really connecting can be ugly, so take care of yourself so that you can share at an appropriate level without making yourself or others overly vulnerable. Remember that holiday events are rarely the best times to hash through issues, though they often show us what we may want to address or change later. Differentiate between what is truly dangerous and what is irritating.
Holidays, including family holidays, really are a big deal, even though we try to make it not that way. Remember that the best gift you can give is a healthy version of yourself; that way, nobody has to worry about you. Being the best version of yourself is a gift to others.
Remember, God loves to give gifts. He gave us His only Son, the most valuable possession He ever had. You are a gift. You are irreplaceable. You are valuable. Taking care of yourself and regulating yourself is important. Police yourself. Be healthy.
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Today Cinthia talks with Michael Johnson, president of the Slavic Gospel Association. Michael discusses his own story including his conversion, journey from corporate to non-profit work, and time in ministry. He notes that we tend to want to know God’s plan for our lives, but that God wants our obedience step-by-step. Mr. Johnson discusses some of the dynamics at work in these countries (e.g., emphasis on repentance/changing the direction of pursuits; pervasive sense of having “missed the mark” after living under Communist governments) and emphasizes that Christ is building His church in those countries and in ours.
The Slavic Gospel Association works to empower local churches in countries associated with the former Soviet Union, as well as countries in which large number of Slavic people currently live. The organization has been active since well before Communism came to power in these areas, served churches during the time they were living under Communism, partnered with local church when wall came down, and continues to equip churches and provide a doorway through which churches in the West can serve churches in these areas. Their activities have included encouraging churches, coordinating an underground railroad, humanitarian aid distribution, gospel presentations, and assistance in acts of mercy which are currently bearing fruit in many countries due to the authenticity of the faith local church members have demonstrated by loving others well. Areas of ministry currently include Israel because many Slavic people fled there to get away from one war (i.e., Ukraine), only to find themselves in another.
Cinthia prayed for Mr. Johnson and his organization and encouraged listeners to pray, consider giving, etc., in order to join in the work of the Slavic Gospel Association(www.sga.org; specific ministry to Israel at www.sga.org/israelgospel).
Be encouraged. God has not stopped working in these countries or ours. He has not given up, no matter how the world looks to us or what is on the news on any given day.
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What does it mean to act like an adult? We all know it includes things like laundry, bill-paying, and going to the dentist, but what underlies those activities and determines the priorities of an emotional adult? Today Cinthia explains how the three core truths she teaches apply to the topic of growing up emotionally.
As an example of what this looks like, Cinthia described her husband Michael’s approach to some significant medical problems that he recently faced. Although he experienced significant pain and some very scary circumstances, Michael took charge of his health and did all he could to survive and get healthier for the people who love him. Although the medical problems were his, Michael understood that the situation was not just about him; it impacted his family, friends, and others. Knowing this, he controlled the factors that were his to control and followed through with healthy decisions, even when they were not easy to execute.
Adulthood as we are discussing it is about more than just remaining alive past one’s eighteenth birthday. It is about growing up emotionally: facing reality, becoming your own parent, and fulfilling your responsibilities to yourself and others rather than expecting the world to make you okay. This necessitates, among other things, knowing your own internal world, being aware of it and how it affects your external world. It involves making the hard decisions to live according to reality rather than in denial. It also means figuring out why you are here on the planet and what to do with the time you are given.
The first truth Cinthia urges us to accept is the reality of our own individual uniqueness as created beings. You were not made by yourself or for your own purposes; you were made by a Creator Who wanted to create you and is very happy that He did so. You were made according to a unique design- even identical twins do not have identical fingerprints. Cinthia states, “When God thought you up, He was really excited. He was excited about you. It was an original design.” He had a purpose for this design, and He made you in exactly the way that was best for that purpose. Now you as an adult have the option to embrace that design and purpose or not. Learning to live as your own best version means learning to live out what the Creator had in mind when He made you. Striving toward what you think you should be or who others want you to be will not achieve this. So Step One is to accept and believe that you are alive for a reason. You didn’t sneak onto the planet. You don’t have to prove that you deserve to be here. God decided to create you and to do it at this time. He wants you to enjoy who He made you to be, as He does. Jesus gave up His life to be with you. Satan wants to make you think you have to prove your worth and value instead of walking it out. Dysfunction is never original or creative. Show up in your own life, and walk out the value you have.
Next, accept and believe that you can effect change in yourself and in the world around you. You cannot control everything about your life, your circumstances, or the world around you, but neither are you irrelevant. Your actions and behaviors matter, and your thoughts matter. Change is primarily an “inside job,” and it requires each of us to address our own thoughts and belief systems. Living in the past will get in the way whether your past was good or bad -- your past may be brilliant or awful, but it’s not new.
Proverbs tells us that “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” You can control what you think and dwell on. We often try to change the outside world, not recognizing that what we can control and order is the inside of ourselves. If the internal doesn’t work, the external won’t work. If you live trying to change people, places, and things, you will fail. You cannot create outside yourself what is not within you. Parents, leaders, and friends will focus on the outside because they cannot be on the inside of you. You have to deal with the inside. The fastest, most effective, and most efficient way to influence change is to change your internal world. You matter, and you have a responsibility to the world around you.
Third, as an adult you must learn to deal with pain. In this world pain is inevitable; the effective management of it is imperative if you are going to be who you are meant to be. You can have “pain for gain,” as Cinthia says, or you can have “pain in vain.” But in this world as it is now, you cannot be without pain. You get to choose to survive in it or thrive in it and how close to be to the version of yourself that God intended. You get to choose whether to add to or detract from others by what version of yourself you live out as you face your pain, whether to accept the gifts that can come hidden in pain. Avoiding pain only brings more of it and causes me to live as a victim of my circumstances and of my own internal world. Learn to let pain produce something good in you instead of making you bitter.
The best version of yourself is the one the Creator had in mind when He made you. Accepting this may mean you have to get over yourself. If God is happy with you, you must learn to be happy with yourself, too (which is not the same as being happy with every decision you make). Both your strengths and weaknesses are unique and must be managed. We tend to want to spend our focus on our strengths, but don’t be afraid of your weaknesses. Don’t hate yourself for the mistakes. Learn from them. Be compassionate to yourself and others. Remember, the goal in this life is not the total alleviation of pain (that is impossible) but the acceptance of it and use of it for gain.
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What is emotional baggage, and how does it affect our relationships? Emotional baggage is the remaining residue of trauma on our lives, whether from traumatic events (e.g., physical assault) or in a broader sense (e.g., relational trauma). It can become an ongoing part of what we carry with us into new relationships. We unwittingly take it into new relationships and begin to recreate or re-experience the same thing again and again, reinforcing the trauma-based beliefs we have formed in our thinking, causing them to grow and self-justify. Think of Linus’s blanket in the Peanuts cartoons. What are you dragging with you into your new relationships?
Emotional baggage does not define you. Trauma does not define you. Just as having a sleeping bag placed on top of you does not make you a sleeping bag, having traumatic baggage placed on you does not redefine you as the baggage itself. This means (among other things) that you can make choices that impact how much power your emotional baggage has as your life continues. Toward this end, Cinthia offers a checklist of questions to consider when entering a new relationship:
- Am I willing to take time to heal (e.g., feel the difficult feelings, process them, etc.), or am I hoping this relationship will be the healing element? (The latter is dangerous.)
- Am I learning to listen to my gut, or am I listening to the woundedness?
- Have I felt what I am feeling before this? What is being triggered here?
- Am I putting on a persona with this person, or am I acting like myself?
- Have I forgiven myself and my exes for what happened in past relationships, or am I carrying some of it with me?
- Am I facing/exploring patterns in my own life and getting to know myself honestly?
- Am I willing to courageously change the things that need to be changed, or am I hoping the relationships will change them for me?
- Would I want to be with me? Do I like spending time with myself? If not, what do I need to change or accept so that I can present myself honestly with another person and not inflict something on them that I would not want inflicted on me?
- What do I do when I am being triggered? When do I get triggered, and what triggers me?
- What will I do if I encounter a concerning situation with this person? What are my options? (Learn to ask yourself, “Does that baggage actually belong to me?” Another person’s behavior may not be about you, and you need to know where you end and they begin. Cinthia emphasized that it is ok to leave a date early, and you can even be gracious about it. You do not have to lie or agree to see him/her again. Learn to utilize self-talk, grounding, breathing, relaxing, identifying your choices, slowing things down -- Stay with yourself. Own your choices and options, and recognize that theirs are not yours. Practice learning to say, “I don’t think we are a match,” “I need to leave now,” etc.)
Recognizing baggage is the first step to overcoming it. Here are some tips for doing so:
First, acknowledge the emotion. Are you feeling sad, mad, glad, or scared? If you are confused, you may be feeling a mix of these. Identify the feelings, and do not blame yourself for feeling them. Learn to say, “I am feeling this. What is triggering it?” Then ask yourself whether there is any true information in the feeling. Feelings are very real but do not always come with true thoughts and information. Allow yourself to feel the emotion without necessarily believing everything it tells you.
Second, face the feelings. Maya Angelou said, “History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived but, if faced with courage, need not be lived again.” Will you choose courage to face your fears, mistakes, and hurts, to take the journey you need to take?
This process can be like an archaeological dig, per Laurie Allender, LCSW, and her partner Bob Hollender. First, unearth things intentionally and conscientiously. Go back and look at them. To “understand” is to stand under something and look at it, to observe what you can learn from it. Then unravel them. Look without judgement at how the things influence you. Unlock things. Share your story with people who are safe and trustworthy. Learn to forgive. Take responsibility for yourself and your part. Recognize what you resent, what generalizations you have made. This is not about blaming yourself, but about empowering yourself to have more control in the future. Forgive your ex and yourself; for some, one of these may be easier than the other. Turn problems into solutions. Turn the focus away from what you did and toward what you want for the future. Let go of the old, and allow for the new. Look for evidence that it can be different in the new relationship, etc. You can contribute to what is being created now.
Humans were made to be with one another. You were made to be loved. Deal with your baggage so it does not dictate the story of your current or future relationships.
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Today Cinthia discusses concepts from her book God Wants You Truly Living (Not Walking Dead). God knows we cannot achieve happiness by chasing it. The book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible demonstrates this; Solomon chased happiness with gusto and resources but found the chase futile. Jesus, however, said that He came that we might have abundant life – the kind of life He had. Jesus was truly free despite living in an oppressed people group dominated by the Roman Empire. He had a deep, meaningful relationship with the Father, and it was in this relationship that He got His value. He had meaning and purpose, a clear conscience, and deep, meaningful relationships with others. Perhaps most powerfully, though, Jesus was willing to die. He died literally, physically, for others in obedience to His Father, God. He died to Satan’s temptation to pursue His destiny and rights outside of obedience to His Father God. And He calls each of us to die to ourselves. This does not necessarily mean physical death – at least not yet. We are not to go looking for physical death. But each of us has things to which we cling, things that feel like death to release. Often these are things we think we need but that are actually choking the life out of us. Sometimes they are good things that are in the way of the best things.
Abundance is more than enough but never excessive. Jesus went first in dying to Himself. He is the Way. We have to follow Him in “death” even while we are still alive by dying to whatever He calls us to let die. See Philippians 3:10, Ephesians 3:20, and John 10:10. Jesus trusted that His Father God knew Him to the core of His Being. He entrusted His rights, His identity, His destiny, His authority, His life to the Father. If we are to follow Him in this, we also have to learn to trust that our Creator knows us to the core of our beings. God is not trying to make us happy as His primary goal because He knows that happiness is an overflow of an abundant life; He knows that for which we are truly made and also sees the good things that are getting in the way of the best things. The enemy also knows that the pursuit of happiness only increases the emptiness inside of us.
It's easy to dismiss Jesus’s death as being something He could do because He was perfect. But Jesus was also human, and He made it clear in Gethsemane that He did not want to have to go to the cross. He asked not to have to do it, to have another way made if it could be made. Still, He obeyed and went. He died to Himself.
Dying to myself means, in part, that all the things my body is screaming for me to do, I release to Him. I have to determine as an adult whether or not those things are healthy, holy, of good repute, pleasing to Him, and His best for me at this time, or whether He wants me to deny myself some or all of those things. We don’t often like the death to ourselves that Jesus showed us. But He was willing to do it, and He tells us that we need to be willing to do it. When Jesus took on a created body, He was willing to live His life the Creator’s way. We fight the Creator. We want a shorter, easier, faster, less-painful way to our destiny. Satan tempted Jesus with this route in the desert, and He rejected it. We think that we can discover, create, or defend our own identity. But we do not know ourselves as well as our Father knows us. He knows the identity He intended for us. If you won’t let go of the thing you are cherishing, it may kill you.
Cinthia discussed the seed that dies in order to produce the fruit. Don’t protect or abandon the seed. Water it, nourish it, but allow it to die. It is in death that the seed will be able to reach beyond its packaging. We are very used to bondage in a lot of ways, to the boxes in which we enclose ourselves. We have to die to ourselves as the seed does, usually long before we face physical death. Ephesians 3:20 (Message version) says, “God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in you wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.” And John 10:10 (Amplified version) says, “The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].” This is God’s desire for His people. Not only that, but He also promises in Psalm138:8 that He “will fulfill His purpose for me.” Psalm 23:4 describes Him as with us as we walk through the shadow of death. There are two types of death that have to occur in order to produce and sustain life: The first is the death of a good thing in order to become the best thing. The second is the death of “the thing that is killing me.” How many of us fight to keep alive the thing that is killing us?
So ask yourself, “Am I refusing to move forward in ways that are age- and circumstance-appropriate? Am I resisting age-appropriate tasks? Am I holding onto previous life stages, to behaviors and clothing and self-care patterns that are no longer appropriate to my current life stage? Do I refuse to move forward with technology? What do I want to ignore or deny? Am I unwilling to go through the grief and loss process? Do I hold onto a person, decade, paradigm, or belief system? Do I allow a system that isn’t working to continue? Am I willing to let expectations die? Am I resisting a new season that is only going to happen anyway? Am I willing to let go of my dream or my vision for myself or another person? What are the birth pains that I may be ignoring or resisting? What is trying to come out of me? Am I resisting dying to self?” Do not continue to resist what you know is natural for you to do – not those things that are natural in their decadence, but those that are natural to what God has created in you.
Consider Philippians 1:6 and Isaiah 66:7-10. We don’t know the mind of God. We cannot force to die what He wants to live or force to live what He knows must die. The only way out is through. You were born for a reason. So what has to die in order for that reason to live? God says to us, essentially, “Don’t quit on Me now. I’m not finished with the good work I’ve begun in you. God wants to give us peace that passes understanding. We need to stop trying to understand everything. God has a way, His way, and we need to trust Him, whether or not we understand.
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Have you ever heard that saying, “The devil is in the details?” The idea behind this saying is that something which seems simple and straightforward may, in fact, have a catch, a hidden element that can eat away until it causes destruction. It is important to pay attention to the little things that can cause big problems and to do the work it takes to address these important details. Seemingly small habits like laziness, lying, denial, and destructive thought patterns can create ruin. At the same time, it is also important not to snag on the wrong details. Perfectionism kills. Some things really are “good enough” and need to be left alone. Today Cinthia explores what it means to “get the devil out of the details” so that he cannot use details against us. This means we have to ask God what details are important to Him, what small things could get in the way of what He wants our lives to be. What little details are potentially eating away at the structures that hold up your life, and which things need to be accepted as “good enough?”
Our Creator is very aware of details. We cannot be as perfect in detail as He is, and, unlike Him, we are vulnerable to focusing on unimportant details and missing the main point. Our creations can reflect on God and also show differences between us and Him. Sometimes we don’t know what to do with the things that are eating away at what is important; even if you cannot yet get rid of something or do not know what to do with it, the
What is getting in your way? Which small things make a big difference? Attention to detail can bring freedom, but it takes time. We need to think about how much time we put into an imperfection and which things need to actually be removed. To decide well, we must learn the difference between perfectionism and craftsmanship, which involves commitment to excellence but is grounded in understanding of the big picture regarding what is being crafted. Most extremes are unhealthy except in life-or-death cases, etc. Try not to snag on everything like a walking piece of Velcro.
Do your habits help you to represent yourself in an honest way? Do you pay attention to your own behavior? Do you put real effort into parenting or figure that your children will navigate the world pretty well on their own? Do you pay attention to the words you say behind others’ backs? What is trying to contaminate your soul? Defense mechanisms flare up to defend us; they are attempts to protect ourselves from harm. However, they can create problems later. Do your old patterns work in your current life? Is it time to upgrade what has been comfortable for so long? The enemy wants to condemn us. He will not stop, and he is relentless. We must pay attention and manage our own internal worlds. Understand your own pace. Are you crafting your own life? Do you leave it undone, skimp on the materials, etc., or are you exhausting yourself with perfectionism? Differentiate between that which you need to let go and that to which you need to attend. It is very difficult to change things you have practiced over and over again.
Shortcuts are different than rest. Rest. Don’t get in a hurry when it is not an emergency. Thoughtfully consider where your actions will take you. Which details are worthy of your focus? Slow down. Focus. Give your brain oxygen. God is making us into what He wants us to be. His perfecting is good, but our scorecards usually are not. He is the only Creator that lets the creation participate in the creation process. Remember, Satan wants to be better than God, and perfectionism is more in line with this than with the perfecting processes of God for His people. Remember: You came from His heart. Accept who He has made you to be. Work at being the best version of who He made you, but, if you are thinking of changing the creation that God has made, don’t do it. Details are work, not weight. Effort is necessary to address details, but running on a hamster wheel to try to be good enough while feeling weighed down by fear and insecurity is counter-productive. Some things really can be “good enough.” We need to know which things these are. Don’t waste energy on what does not need to be perfect.
As you are looking at details in your life, ask yourself, “Does that detail matter to God?” If it matters to you but He does not seem to be doing anything, ask Him if this is important to Him, if you should be doing anything. Learn to trust Him. Do not believe the devil about which details to address, Go straight to God. Tell Him if you are struggling with yourself. Tell Him honestly what you are thinking, and talk to Him about who you are. You are not the Creator. It is amazing and tremendous that God would want to make us, and God wants us to share in His happiness about who we are.
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What does it take to be attractive? Often we think of characteristics that are beyond our control or measures that require lots of time and money. Some changes would even require compromises to a person’s value system. Is attractiveness something that most of us are doomed to miss, or that we can have only briefly before age takes it away from us? Today Cinthia explains that attractiveness can be defined as “pleasing or appealing to the senses,” a definition that is far more within-reach than we might think. It doesn’t require looking like a model, being wealthy, or compromising one’s value system. Instead, it is about the experience people have when they interact with you. Some of the traits are physical; cleanliness, for example, is more likely to please the senses of another person than poor hygiene. But even our physical characteristics are often made more or less attractive by things like our facial expressions, manners, and other ways of presenting ourselves. So how do we make ourselves attractive?
We start by observing what we are currently attracting. What types of people tend to be in your life? What are you attracting, and what information does this give you about the way you may be presenting yourself in the world? If you want to attract something different than what you have been attracting, what changes might you need to make?
We continue by considering the experience others have when they are around us or when they have us in their lives. This is not about trying to figure out someone else’s ideal and match it; it’s simply about self-awareness regarding the way our choices impact those around us. What is it like to be around you, to have a conversation with you, to build a life with you, to have you for a friend? Are you generally friendly, angry, bitter, dismissive, genuine, loving, confident, needy? Are you kind, gentle, willing to do what needs to be done? Are you courteous, brave, patient? Do you try to disappear? What is the “aroma” that your way of handling yourself and treating others tends to leave in a room? Are your comments caustic, life-giving, sarcastic, insightful, unnecessary, unheard? What is the experience of being around you like for others?
Some of becoming attractive does have to do with the way we care for ourselves physically, though it does not require physical perfection or obsession with wrinkles or the number on a scale. For example, if one’s physical appearance indicates a lack of respect for self or others of others (e.g., poor personal hygiene, generally neglecting one’s health and/or grooming, etc.), that person’s appearance will be less appealing to others – not because it fails to achieve the cultural idea but because it fails to signal respect. Similarly, physical perfection that seems almost mask-like can be off-putting even while it is intriguing. Our outer selves can reflect our inner selves in ways that are appealing or unappealing. Have you ever been drawn to someone’s face because of the kindness in it? The confidence? The humor? We tend to think everyone sees us as we see ourselves, feels what we feel, and knows what we know. But other people are often more concerned with their own internal experiences than they are with ours, and they only have the information about us that we give them. So, if we want others to find themselves drawn to us, we should treat our bodies respectfully. Beyond that, someone who wants to be recognized as a professional may need to dress professionally. Someone who wants others to feel safe around them may need to avoid styles that others find shocking, frightening, or repulsive. A style or look can say, “Pay attention to me,” “Stay away from me,” “Protect me,” or, “Don’t bother me.” How do you feel about yourself and the world, and does the way you prepare yourself for the day reflect this? Whether we like it or not, our looks can be an unnecessary barrier to others; don’t cultivate a look that others cannot get past. Are you willing to put in the work to make your outside match your inside? Are you using your physical appearance to hide who you are by discouraging people from getting to know you? Remember, also, that the way you dress will affect your own cognitive functioning (as studies have shown) and mood. Honor yourself and those with whom you associate by caring for your appearance in a healthy, appropriate way.
What about attraction in marriage – what if you are not attracted to your spouse, or your spouse is not attracted to you? Attraction can be lost, gained, and altered. It may not be healthy to try to be someone you are not in order to match your spouse’s ideal, but neither is it healthy to expect your spouse to “get over” having to deal with your vulgarity, selfishness, immaturity, or disrespect. What is it like to be married to you? What experiences do you and your spouse give to each other?
Attraction is also impacted by what it is like to be associated with someone; we reflect on one another. This does not mean that we should control one another as a form of image management, but it does mean that we do not display ridiculous, insensitive behavior and then expect those close to us not to feel embarrassed by it. Those who join together do, in some ways, represent each other. So read the room. Do not make jokes that others find hurtful or consistently irritating. Pay some attention to whether an affair is black-tie or casual. You do not have to impress everyone positively, but enjoying impressing them negatively can be hard on the people who associate themselves with you. Remember, too, that you represent yourself and that, if you belong to God, you represent Him.
Humans are so complicated. Attraction can be very complex. It’s really a mystery. It’s a feeling, a sense, a feeling in your body of relaxing around that person or looking forward to being around them. Some qualities are always attractive to humans, while others like disrespect, vulgarity, immaturity, selfishness, etc., are pretty consistently unattractive. Interaction produces feelings in other people. Selfishness is like arsenic for all relationships. We need to be aware of what bugs the people to whom we are close. It’s not about popularity, focusing on being liked, etc. We don’t need to pressure ourselves to present a perfect image. Instead of thinking you have to watch every detail, think about the overall responses you are getting from people. Are you being honest with yourself and others in what you communicate through your dress, behavior, etc.?
A happy disposition can also be attractive, and, while we don’t necessarily want to fake being happy or ignore our other real feelings, there are ways to increase our own general happiness. Cinthia reviewed a list of things we can give up in order to increase personal happiness and, thereby, attractiveness:
-the need to change someone else so you can be right
-the need to control
-blaming others (Cinthia shared the saying, “A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame someone else.)
-self-defeating self-talk (The mind is a superb instrument when used rightly.)
-false beliefs (referring not so much to ideas held by the mind but to those ideas that hold the mind)
-complaining (Christian D Lawrence noted that we can complain that roses have thorns or be grateful that thorns have roses.)
-trying to get others to make you feel what you want to feel
-the need to impress others (Let them have the fun of impressing you! Remember, adults go into situations with their egos in check and do not need to be the best at everything.)
-resistance to change (Not all change is positive, but be aware of why you are resisting a particular change.)
-labels (These are often limiting, so be really careful about assumptions.)
Remember, attractiveness is not only about appearance. Be yourself, but be a version of yourself that honors who you are and the impact you have on those around you.
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With the tragedies happening in the world right now, Cinthia encourages each of us to discover and remember why God has placed us on the earth. With that in mind, today she discusses concepts from one of her books, God Wants You Truly Living (Not Walking Dead). God is wanting us each to have a life beyond our wildest dreams, but it requires that we die to the things that get in the way of that – including, sometimes, the dreams themselves.
Ephesians 3:20 (Message version) says, “God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in you wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.” And John 10:10 (Amplified version) says, “The thif comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].” This is God’s desire for His people.
But what is life that is “abundant?” Cinthia reads a definition of abundant that begins with the phrase “being more than enough without being excessive” and continues with an abundance of adjectives about fullness and profusion. Our example of this on earth is Jesus. Jesus’s abundant life did not include the things we often associate with abundance, the things we tend to think will help us live life to the fullest and achieve happiness. In fact, happiness lies. “God is not trying to give us “happy” as a goal,” says Cinthia. “He knows happiness is an outcome of an abundant life. The thief, which we know is Satan… realizes that, if I pursue happiness, I will simply be achieving pleasure, which only creates a bigger void in my life that must be continuously fed as it becomes bigger and deeper, screaming more loudly to be fulfilled.” Consider the book of Ecclesiastes in which the wisest man on earth tried the life of pleasure—tried it well—and declared it meaningless.
Jesus demonstrated the abundant life. He was free, had deep and meaningful relationship with God the Father and got His value there, had deep and meaningful relationships with others, had a clear conscience, and lived with a sense of meaning and purpose. But there was something else that offered more power, more life, a separation from any other power or entity: He was willing to die. He was willing to die a literal, physical death for us and for the Father Who had sent Him. But He was also willing to die to Himself, to what He could have tried to be separate from His Father. His responses to the three temptations Satan offered Him in the wilderness demonstrate this. How do we let God infuse this into us?
Jesus knew that, in order to be what He was created to be, He would have to do it the Creator’s way. He had to trust that the Father Who made Him knew Him and knew the best way. [Don’t misunderstand our use of the word “Creator” here. We know the Nicene Creed says Jesus was “begotten not made” to express that Jesus existed with the Father from all eternity. But, when He came to earth, He was knit together by His Father inside of a human mother. This is the kind of “created” we mean. Jesus, by Whom and through Whom everything had been created, took on the position of a created human being, and He showed us what it means to live as created human beings are meant to live.] The Father’s way, the Creator’s way, was for Jesus to die. God always goes first and sets the course. He died for us and died to Himself, and this sets the course for us – dying to ourselves, dying to the things we think will give us life but that are, in fact, getting in the way of fulfilling the purposes for which God made us.
So what has to die in order for you to live? What has to die in you life in order for you to actually live for Christ? Cinthia explains, “Not my way, His way. He is the Creator; I am the created object.” What are the things that are getting in the way of you being what He made you to be? Cinthia continues, “We have a great God Who has gone before us and knows the way. He does not grow tired, and He understands that suffering through death produces life. Not only that, but He also promises that He will comfort us through the suffering…” and tells us in Psalm138:8 that He “will fulfill His purpose for me.” You are not meant to do life on your own, trying to do it right and hoping God is happy with it.
Philippians 3:10 and Acts 1:3 describe the necessity and hope in this process. We join Him in His suffering and death, but also in His resurrection. He is alive! He went through death and came back alive! II Corinthias 1:3-6 (Msg) describes Him as walking with us through our suffering and loss and bringing us alongside others to be there for them. Jesus is the consummate Servant-Leader. He leads by example. He walks with us and walks out His concepts. Psalm 23:4 describes Him as with us as we walk through the shadow of death. There cannot be a shadow without light. What has to die in your life in order for you to fully live it? This is an important time in history for each of us to recognize the purpose God has for us, to figure out the life He has planned solely for us and to do our part.
There are two types of death that have to occur in order to produce and sustain life: The first is the death of a good thing in order to become the best thing. The second is the death of “the thing that is killing me.” How many of us fight to keep alive the thing that is killing us? Addictions, fear, relationships to which we cling even as they keep us from living the life for which God created us – Ask yourself, “Why am I walking out a living death?” Both types occur simultaneously at different times of life. Type One is beautifully demonstrated by the seed. John 12:24-25 (NIV) says, “Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” An unknown author has said that we can count the seeds in a single piece of fruit, but only God can count the fruit that lies within a single seed. Do not let the enemy minimize who you are, what you know, how you feel, what you want to do, and what your calling is. Don’t let him talk you out of that. John 12:24-25 in the Message version says, “Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal.”
Cinthia says, “I want to keep everything sometimes… I only want the things to die that I don’t like.” But so often the good has to die to give way to the best. Addiction is a great example of the kind of thing that has to die lest it kill us, but think beyond that. What has to die in order for you, like the seed, to produce and sustain life? We have to die to something in order for the thing for which we were created to live. What won’t you let go?
A seed must die in order to have the life for which it was intended. Don’t nurse and protect the seed. Let what is inside of it burst forth. Don’t abandon it because you don’t know what it is. Water it and nourish it. Do this because it may be buried at this time, but God has planted that seed of life within you. So you need to trust Him. Don’t be afraid to let the seed die, to break out of the shell that has housed it. We are very used to our bondage, but God dreams of setting us free to produce and sustain life. Think about the caterpillar as it turns into a butterfly. Think about the movie Failure to Launch, which is funny but tragic in the truth it expresses about our culture. Think about Adam and Eve. When we go against creation and interrupt or impede God’s timing, the creation either dies or fails to thrive, and we are left with the agony of depression and despair.
So ask yourself, “Am I refusing to move forward in ways that are age- and circumstance-appropriate? Am I resisting age-appropriate tasks? Am I holding onto previous life stages, to behaviors and clothing and self-care patterns that are no longer appropriate to my current life stage? Do I refuse to move forward with technology? What do I want to ignore or deny? Am I unwilling to go through the grief and loss process? Do I hold onto a person, decade, paradigm, or belief system? Do I allow a system that isn’t working to continue? Am I willing to let expectations die? Am I resisting a new season that is only going to happen anyway? Am I willing to let go of my dream or my vision for myself or another person? What are the birth pains that I may be ignoring or resisting? What is trying to come out of me? Am I resisting dying to self?” Do not continue to resist what you know is natural for you to do – not those things that are natural in their decadence, but those that are natural to what God has created in you.
Consider Philippians 1:6 and Isaiah 66:7-10. We don’t know the mind of God. We cannot force to die what He wants to live or force to live what He knows must die. The only way out is through. You were born for a reason. So what has to die in order for that reason to live?
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Some shows are easy to do; they make people feel better and inspire sighs of relief in listeners around the world. Some are more difficult, though, addressing controversial topics and potentially stirring up painful memories, regrets, and even anger for many listeners. Today’s show is one of the latter. If abortion is a part of your story in any way, we know it may be painful for you to engage this topic again. But this topic matters, and you matter -- humans matter to God. This includes the unborn, and it includes the people who find themselves in difficult places and who sometimes make devastating choices. We invite you to listen wrapped in the arms of the God Who knows your past, your present, and your future, the God Who alone forgives sins, the One Who remakes the wounded into compassionate soldiers and fierce healers in a battle that doesn’t stop just because we don’t want to think about it anymore.
Today Cinthia talks with Emily Osmont whose bio includes being a published author, an international communicator who has thirteen years of experience working with the media, having supported international media strategies in over 100 countries, having been a senior manager and humanitarian with the American Red Cross’s national headquarters, having been deployed as a content creator on the ground providing national and international news, and having been published and/or interviewed by national outlets such as Newsweek, CNN, FOX, USA Today, Real Clear Politics, PBS, and many others. She grew up in Taiwan and is fluent in Mandarin Chinese. She has an M.A. in International Relations from Regent University. Now Emily is using all this experience as the VP of Communications at Susan B. Anthony Pro-Life America.
Emily explains that the battle over abortion has changed in the past few decades and that the recent overturning of Roe vs. Wade has not “won the war” for pro-lifers. In fact, it was just the beginning. The Dobbs decision gave abortion decisions back to the states, enabling pro-life citizens to have a voice regarding legislation and funding related to abortion, unplanned pregnancies, etc. In the year and a half, since the decision, 25 states have implemented protections for the preborn, and hundreds of millions of dollars have been allocated to assist their mothers. This is not being publicized by the mainstream media, though Emily reports telling it to major media outlets on a regular basis.
Emily also explains that those who publicly support abortion have, as a group, changed their objectives. While in the 90’s the movement called itself “pro-choice” and stated that abortions should be “safe, legal, and rare,” now the emphasis is on achieving a complete lack of restrictions on abortions of any kind. Phrases like “abortion on demand” and “bodily autonomy” are part of a demand that abortion be available in every single week of pregnancy. The Biden administration has recoiled at identifying any limits at all, and it is getting ready to propose legislation for the fourth time that it calls the “Women’s Health Protection Act” but that is essentially a bill for abortion on demand. It would remove all restrictions across all fifty states, along with all waiting periods, mandatory ultrasounds, parental consent for minors, and conscience laws that protect health care providers from being able to refuse to perform abortions if their beliefs or consciences forbid it. This would make the United States an outlier among the nations of the world, only 1 of 7 nations to legally allow unrestricted abortion access. China and North Korea are two of the others; having grown up in Taiwan, Emily recalls watching what it was like to see a society that allowed abortion without any restrictions. She remembers, for example, that sex-selective abortions became such a problem that ultrasounds were temporarily outlawed to keep people from aborting too many female babies.
The determination in the United States to remove all restrictions, explains Emily, did not begin when Roe was overturned but has been building for several years. This is not reflective of the beliefs of American citizens; in fact, Emily cites multiple polls that have shown 7 of 10 Americans oppose abortion in the second and third trimesters, despite the Roe vs. Wade decision having been in place for the past fifty years.
Abortion tends to be marketed as a simple procedure that will undo or erase a devastating situation, something that will be over within a few days and will fix what has gone wrong in a woman’s. But Emily points out that for most women, the real problem is a lack of support in their lives, and that is not fixed by abortion. Cinthia emphasizes that abortion goes with women into the rest of their lives and does not go away when their bodies heal. Emily emphasizes that the majority of women who have had abortions report that it was not really what they wanted. Most report having felt they had too little support in their lives, something that is not fixed by the abortion procedure. In fact, many women may choose abortion because of pressure from partners, parents, and even doctors; many report having received the message that they would have been to blame for having allowed the pregnancy to continue.
Why the push for abortion on demand when the majority of Americans are “wildly out of step” with it (Emily) and so many women who have chosen it found it anything but empowering? Why would there not be room for a single boundary? Why would a country that enforces laws for euthanizing pets in the most humane ways possible place no restrictions on whether, when, and how unborn humans are medically eliminated? Emily states, “Follow the money.” The abortion industry is a business, and a very profitable one. Planned Parenthood recently reported their annual profit to have been 1.79 billion dollars last year. She states that the loudest and richest voices are currently leading the fight, and the rest of us need to educate ourselves, pay attention to what is happening, and speak up. Cinthia notes, “Evil is so scary that it shuts everyone down,” and says that the goal for the enemy of our souls is that we fear everything, are afraid to stand up for what is right, and just try to work around it because we do not know what to do when things have already reached this point. But the abortion industry is relying on pro-lifers to be complacent, to not self-educate, to not know what is happening. We can pretend it’s not there, but we are going to have to stand up at some point. We have to be adult enough to say that this is wrong.
Emily reports particular empathy for women with unplanned pregnancies because she has faced two of her own when young. She reports that the reason she was able to choose life both times, including one when she chose open adoption for her son, was that she had supportive people around her. But she remembers how vulnerable she felt in those situations and expresses compassion for those who do not have the kind of support she did. Studies show most abortive women would have kept their babies if they had had emotional and financial support. Most women who aborted say it was inconsistent with what they wanted. Emily says that women often believe no one will be there for them if they choose to have their babies.
But there is help available. Pregnancy support centers are widespread, available in every state, and typically provide resources and care well after birth and adoption takes place, as well as support for those who have had abortions and are working through the emotional fall-out of those decisions. Most are doing an amazing job.
Cinthia also encourages remembering that, despite the difficult situations under which some births occur, the babies involved are not the problem. “These are little human babies that God has created and was happy that He did,” she says. Pregnancy is not an evil to be fixed. Cinthia and her two brothers were all adopted, and Emily emphasizes that most adoptions now are open, allowing for relationship between the biological mother and the child after birth.
Now that we are outside Roe, we have an opportunity to create a new culture, a culture of life. We need to let women know they are heroes for resisting abortion. We need to educate ourselves on the science of human development in utero. We need to stop changing language to rename the heartbeat. We need to empower ourselves to help relieve shame instead of allowing shame to keep people from talking about what is happening. We need to let people know the Church is a place in which they belong, a place where there is room for them and their situations.
To educate yourself further and figure out how you might become involved, consider Voyage of Life (https://lozierinstitute.org/voyage/) and sbaprolife.org.
God loves humans. That is why He keeps making them.
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Today’s show title comes from a statement Cinthia found herself making to her husband when he lamented having accidentally dropped a suitcase on her foot while trying to accomplish a project perfectly. She recognized the statement to be much like what God says to those of us who struggle with perfectionism: He is perfect. He wants us. Any perfection we pursue that doesn’t come from Him will only deceive us.
Sometimes we think of perfectionism as a noble weakness, one we can describe with false self-deprecation when asked to identify our limitations in a job interview. As Christians, we may even think of our perfectionism as spiritually positive, citing verses such as, “You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father as perfect” (Matthew 5:48, ESV). But perfectionism does not lead us to the kind of holiness God desires for us because our perfectionism is not about God; it’s about us. It’s our own pursuit of being enough, hiding from the shame that threatens us, making ourselves superior to what we fear we could become. It may mimic the pursuit of what comes from heaven, but perfectionism is, as Cinthia says today, actually very sinful and “straight from the pit of hell.” If this sounds shocking, hang in there --- It actually gets pretty freeing. But that freedom comes with dying to perfectionism.
Perfectionism is egregious to God because only He is perfect. When we who do not even know what perfection is try to accomplish it in ourselves, it brings death. God made us, and He said that what He made was very good. But God’s enemy, the enemy of our souls – Satan – wanted to be like God. He wanted to exalt himself to perfection out of pride, and he tempts us to do the same. He tempted Eve with the same prospect – that of becoming like God – and when she believed the fruit would lead her to this, the human race ironically lost the perfection with which it had been made. We have been trying to get it back ever since then, trying to do for ourselves what only the blood of Jesus can accomplish.
So what is the difference between pursuing excellence, which is a good thing, and perfectionism? Well, to start, perfectionism has trouble distinguishing when perfection matters and when it does not. If a doctor is performing an operation on another human being, that doctor should try to do it perfectly (though, of course, human limitations will still exist). But perfectionists often feel driven to be (or require others to be) perfect in less-crucial areas of life. Perfectionists can spend wildly disproportionate amounts of time, energy, and other resources trying to achieve perfection in things that really do not warrant that level of devotion, and sometimes even on what is trivial.
Here are some other differences between perfectionism and the pursuit of excellence:
-Pursuing excellence involves setting challenging but achievable goals and feeling satisfied when they are achieved. Perfectionism involves setting impossible goals and feeling crushed when they are not achieved.
-Those who pursue excellence may feel disappointment when they make mistakes, but perfectionists tend to become consumed with their mistakes.
-The pursuit of excellence is motivated by the potential for success and happiness, but perfectionism is motivated by fear of failure, rejection, or criticism; perfectionists can be very susceptible to these things and can spend their whole lives trying to outrun them.
-The pursuit of excellence allows for satisfaction in having worked hard and accepting some results as being “good enough,” but perfection operates in extremes (e.g., success vs. failure) and leads to exhaustion and an inability to appreciate what God is doing in the moment. Perfectionism operates in the realm of ego and self-esteem, constantly holding out the fear, “I’m never going to make it,” which turns out to be true.
The cost of perfectionism is high. Perfectionism can lead us to have difficulty making decisions, to stop trying because we fear failing, and to constantly second-guess ourselves and regret our decisions. It undermines our opportunities to learn because learning is not perfection. It requires constant striving, which leads to exhaustion, and that leads to inaccurate self-perception. Perfectionism contributes to procrastination from lack of confidence and a tendency to make things bigger than they are, as well as stress, anxiety, and depression.
Perfectionism is a personality trait that can be caused by both environmental factors (e.g., overly critical parents) and biological factors (e.g., genetics). But perfectionism can be changed, and it should be. Remember, if our intentions were to adore God’s perfection and follow Him as He re-creates it in us, He would love that. But perfectionism does not lead us to seek God; it can even lead us to avoid Him or see Him as being perfectionistic like we are instead of truly perfect as He is. Perfectionism causes us to seek and be obsessed with our own ideas of perfection, and these are warped, fallen. While true perfection is found only in God, the One Who knows about our imperfections and Who alone can help us, perfectionism comes from the enemy.
Perfectionism does not align us with what God is doing, and the obsession it creates with self-blame aligns us, instead, with our enemy. We need to know who our real enemy: Satan is a liar, and he is brilliant. Satan fell because he wanted to be like God (Isaiah 14:12-17), and he hates everything that can be more of what God wants. He is our enemy because He is God’s enemy. John 8:44 tells us that Satan is a liar and the father of lies, and that, when he lies, he speaks out of his own character. He was “a murderer from the beginning.” I Peter 5:8 describes him as our “adversary the devil” who “prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour.” Jesus called Satan “the ruler of this world” (John 12:31; John 16:11), and II Corinthians 4:4 calls him “the god of this world.” During the episode Cinthia cites an article called “Satan’s Ten Strategies Against You” which states that it is Satan’s aim to use both pain and pleasure to blind and deceive us. He masquerades in costumes of light and righteousness. He is very beguiling. He loves to represent good as evil and evil as good.
With all of this, though, God is sovereign over Satan. Satan is on a leash. In Job he is described as having to get God’s permission to attack Job (Job 1&2), and he had to ask to “sift” Peter like wheat (Luke 22:31). Revelation 20:10 speaks of the judgment God will execute on Satan, the deceiver.
God intends our lives on earth to be a “good fight” against hell by those of us who refuse to be a part of Satan’s dominion, but you cannot fight Satan with your own perfectionism. It plays right into his strategies. Instead, you have to get serious about not condemning yourself. Your adversary is way bigger than you are, and you can only fight him by the blood of Jesus. Your sins are God’s problem, and He has already accomplished your redemption and forgiveness through the blood of Jesus. He will help you through the consequences that occur on earth as a result of your sin, not harm you. James 4:7 says, “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” Revelation 12:11 describes those who will “have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death.”
So what does our fight look like? Sometimes it looks like stopping yourself in the midst of a struggle and asking, “Is this a fight that God has asked me to be in? Is he putting me in a position to fight with the enemy on this one?” If it is, He will provide you with a way out. But if you are trying to fight against Satan in your own strength, the results will not be good.
“Perfectionism,” says Cinthia, “is truly straight from the pit of hell.” One of the things Satan wants more than anything is for you to think you can be like God. Remind yourself of this. Go back to Isaiah 14:12-17. Humility is not about being humiliated but about knowing yourself realistically. God says you can overcome because of Him, not in your own strength. He wants us to overcome because He loves us. If you are in Him, God has already reconciled Himself to you. He is not going to abandon you, no matter how He feels about your choices.
Perfectionism has so much to do with how you run your life and how much you enjoy it. You think we will arrive and relax, but it never happens. This is because, as God once told Cinthia, “You don’t even know what perfect looks like.” We cannot aspire to be God when He is the One Who created us. We cannot create except with what He has made. We can mess ourselves up but cannot make ourselves. Self-forgiveness is key. The enemy of your soul is constantly showing you what you did wrong, and no one likes shocking themselves. You must get over yourself as an act of warfare against Satan. Don’t waste your time and energy covering it up. Luke 8:17 indicates that secrets will not remain secrets forever. Allow yourself to learn from your mistakes. Stop aspiring to your own perfection, and seek the Perfect One. He is the One Who “is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us” (Eph. 3:20). Jesus says in John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” Satan does not want you to have an abundant life. We have a hard time grasping abundance, and it looks different in each of our lives. Jesus’s life was abundant without the things with which we associate it.
Cinthia recalls thinking her perfectionism would protect her from pain, but it was killing her. In her book God Wants You Truly Living (Not Walking Dead), Cinthia wrote that it is hard for us to comprehend that perfectionism is not where happiness lies. But, after typing a sentence about that, she noticed those two words sitting next to each other: “happiness lies.” God knows we can’t achieve happiness by chasing it. Read Ecclesiastes. Jesus was free. He had a deep, meaningful relationship with the Father. He got His value there. He had meaning and purpose and did not compare Himself to others. He had a clear conscience. He had deep, meaningful relationships with others even though those others were imperfect. He lived the abundant life without the kinds of success we think we must have. Jesus was willing to die for others in obedience to His Father, God. He calls all of us to die to something, often to things we think we need but that are actually choking the life out of us. Are you willing to die to whatever God wants you to die to in order to be free? Abundance is more than enough but never excessive. He has so much in mind for us. He went first. He is the Way. We have to follow Him in death to whatever He calls us to let die. And sometimes that thing is perfectionism. Sometimes our perfectionism has to die in order for us to live. See Philippians 3:10. What kind of life is going to be pleasing to God? How can you help the people He loves? It’s not about being perfect. It’s about pursuing the Perfect One and the purpose for which He made you.
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What do you do with your own moral failures? Today Cinthia talks about when you know you have gone beyond “nobody’s-perfect-everybody-makes-mistakes” territory and ventured into real harm. Everyone has been there – those times we shock ourselves and rock our own self-perceptions with the depths of our bad choices. You may even have experienced remorse so deep that you didn’t want to continue living. In these states, guilt and shame become like termites in your mind, eating away at your sense of worth, even while another part of your brain is trying to deal with the rest of your day.
Isaiah 1:18 (NLT) says, “’Come now, let’s settle this,’ says the LORD. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.’” This does not imply a casual cover-up, a smoothing-over or minimization of injustice. This is cosmic -level cleansing, and it is the only kind that can truly settle our debts. So why is it hard to engage with God over our wrongs, allowing Him to cover them with His blood, and then moving through the comeback process? Why do we sometimes resist receiving forgiveness from God or others, let alone giving it to ourselves? And, for others, why is it so much easier to minimize or dismiss what we have done, getting angry at anyone who suggests we should talk about it or deal with it head-on?
Provers 26:11 (ESV) says, “Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.” Fools do not learn from their mistakes. The enemy of our souls wants us to believe that the past is still alive and can still be changed at some level by wallowing, or that it can be escaped; we relive and rehash or resist and deny, trying somehow to take the power and sting out of the memories. But refusing to forgive ourselves is foolish, just as refusing to acknowledge the depths of our errors means we cannot forgive or heal from what really happened. Whether we wallow in our mistakes (which is different than facing them) or turn away from acknowledging that we are guilty, these responses increase our chances of repeating them. We eventually find ourselves repeating similar kinds of harm again, even if it looks different every time, because our lives are dominated by the past folly that has taken over our present. To those who have forgiven us, the past is the past. But if we have not learned from our errors, healed from them, made amends, resolved them, and moved forward in humility, we are drawn back to the same folly again and again. Only the most repentant and truly changed are willing to attempt a comeback. We love a comeback, and God loves a comeback. But it takes humility. A fool keeps coming back to the grossest thing that he or she has done, and that thing affects everything else in life until it is faced.
So what does facing it look like? Humbly apologize. Make no excuses. Accept and validate the effect your choice has had on others. This is the hardest and most important thing. Honoring the impact of your choice on other people, on yourself, and on God is crucial. Make amends where you can for the sake of those you have harmed. If some will not forgive you, forgive them graciously, and resist being offended because that will keep you stuck in the vomit (see above). Remember, they didn’t ask for this, and they may not want to move forward with you. Forgive them, and understand that you put them in this position. Learn from your mistakes. The more you can commit to looking at and learning from your mistakes, the more you become a safe person. Take responsibility for fixing it however you can.
While you are learning from it, though, and are honoring the feelings and needs of those you harmed, you must decide to forgive yourself and receive forgiveness from others where it is offered. This is hard because it requires accepting the version of ourselves that was able to err like that. None of us likes to mess up, to shock ourselves. It takes humility to stop fighting the reality that we did what we did and accept it. But if we don’t learn to forgive ourselves, we will not be able to forgive others. Forgiveness goes in more than one direction. Trying to keep the past alive will eventually cause you to repeat it. Others will end up in a position to have to repair your ego. You will cripple their ability to move forward with you because they will have to decide to stay with you in your past or leave you in your past in order to move into their future.
Bury what is dead once you learn from it. Don’t disrespect the future by lamenting the past. Do not let the past hold you back from participating in the present. Don’t be the adult whose ego is so fragile that you cannot get over yourself. Understand that God got over your sin before you were born. He saw it a long time ago, and He has already died for it. He came back from the dead, and He has the power to help you come back from this. He wants to help you learn and take you forward. Only the strong can say, “I did that. I can explain it, but I cannot excuse it. I will learn from it and never do it again.”
We all have a past. We all have a future. Making peace with it can make it easier for others. Nobody can mess up in exactly the same way as you, but nobody can make the same comeback, either. God has already put love, peace, forgiveness – everything you need to move forward – into the heavenly bank accounts for you. Don’t neglect it. Don’t waste all your time and energy hiding what you did and letting shame affect your reasoning; that is NOT what it means to take responsibility.
Ecclesiastes 4:10 says to pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up. You can keep yourself in the same position by refusing to let others help you, forgive you, give you mercy, and move forward. Accept help. Arrogance can keep you on the ground, locked inside yourself. Keeping shameful secrets is not ultimately useful (Luke 8:17).
If you have never struggled with any of this, be sure to check yourself – Do you have a moral code? Are you aware when you are off-track? Do you have people who will tell you, or do you feel entitled not to care or take responsibility? Do you lower the expectations, trying to protect yourself from hurt?
Ecclesiastes says that there is nothing new under the sun. Mistakes are not original. How you recover, learn, and use it well can be original. This is a process and is not comfortable. But people are often far more willing to forgive you than you are to forgive yourself. And, if you are willing to fix what you have done, you often gain respect in the process. So be your own hero. Surprise yourself in a good way. Humble yourself and ask for forgiveness. Be the person people admire because you take responsibility for your failings.
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Today Cinthia spent the first two segments with guest Aaron Knipp of Cicospace (cicospace.com), whom long-time listeners will recognize from previous shows. The two discussed some recent changes in the business world that have implications for women. The business world has shifted from its traditional emphasis on authority, competition, strength, and expertise to a more relational approach in which authenticity, making connections, storytelling, and developing genuine relationships is expected. This tends to work well for women, who tend to be more relational and adaptive. This does not negate the value of traditional male characteristics or approaches but does mean that women may have a special “time to shine” in the business world right now.
Cinthia encouraged women to pay attention to the way they come across to men in the business world so that they can implement their assertiveness in ways that communicate courtesy to men as well as women. For example, she explained that raising the eyebrows and phrasing a sales pitch in terms of confidence that the listener will be excited about it can communicate confidence without undue aggression or “sinister” intent. Aaron noted that men must be polite, as well, but Cinthia explained that men may react differently to a sense of threat or rudeness from women than they do from men, making it wiser to communicate in ways that clarify intent. Women also have to learn to be careful about showing insecurities or giving away too much too soon or being too willing to morph for someone else’s idea. Polite ways to shut down a potential business connection, noting that it is unlikely to be a good fit and would be a waste of time for both sides, were discussed.
Women often do not realize they are frequently put in a one-down position BECAUSE they are powerful. They do not realize how men really see them because they see themselves so differently than men do. Cinthia recommended leading with politeness. Women can stop being nice if they need to do so, but they can start friendly and reduce the sense of threat men may have. Really, everyone should do this; everyone should be polite. But women especially need to be polite when confronting because men will determine to win, and it’s not good for either of them.
In the third segment, Lenna Murray joined Cinthia to discuss her business, an intravenous vitamin therapy bar franchise called The Drip Bar in Scottsdale, AZ (480-550-8369). She discussed learning about the benefits of this technique when loved ones recovered from serious health problems with the help of intravenous vitamin therapies. She and Cinthia discussed the importance of taking care of one’s health and the responsibility to treat our bodies well in a variety of ways instead of using “quick fix” approaches that can be detrimental.
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Today Cinthia interviews Antoine Anderson, a church planter (2ten.church in southern Phoenix), men’s life coach, husband, father, and author of the book Journey to Fulfill Your Destiny (https://www.amazon.com/s?k=journey+to+fulfill+your+destiny&crid=38ZS5AS1HXZZD&sprefix=journey+to+fulfill+your+destiny%2Caps%2C93&ref=nb_sb_noss). In this new book, Antoine explores the life of Joseph and what men today can learn from it. Cinthia expressed happiness that the book is releasing at such a time, noting that men are often given very mixed and degrading messages in our culture; they are still expected to show up and perform but are often unsure what they are supposed to do. Antoine and Cinthia discussed ways men are often misunderstood in our society; for example, many women do not realize that men tend to want to please, that they appreciate coaching when they have confidence in the coach, and that men, as protectors, tend to pull information to assess risk from details that women may not realize mean anything to them. Antoine pointed out that, underneath the confusion, men have a desire for purpose and a longing to provide and protect. Cinthia noted that some women in our culture experience difficulty trusting and receiving from men for a variety of reasons and that this is part of a confusing cycle for men, one that includes shame, repressed anger, and negative repercussions. Women are being encouraged to compete with men at every turn, but good men tend not to want to compete seriously with women. This leads to a sense of being unable to engage and succeed.
Antoine discussed concepts from his book that may be helpful to men in dealing with all this. He emphasized the importance of embracing and accepting the Heavenly Father’s gifts as Joseph did with his father Jacob’s gift; this is foundational to the confidence men need. Antoine’s mother’s regular assertions that God had a calling on his life helped him to have this sense of this early in life while his wife’s edifying words help him with it now, and Cinthia noted that women have tremendous power to encourage men in their efforts and callings (“They live for the points,” she says.). Just as women have often been stereotyped, men are now stereotyped negatively and placed under multiple and contradictory expectations (e.g., women expecting them to be protective and lead but then getting offended when they try to do this). Cinthia encourages women to be willing to learn how to appreciate and support good men since good men typically want to support them well; she encourages all of us to learn to use deep breathing to relax our bodies so we can participate in the “reset” of our perspectives instead of “going out locked and loaded.” Antoine encouraged resetting by using biblical self-affirmations so that we go to the Source of our identity, embracing His gifts and callings rather than the opinions of others. His book even has prayers at the end of each chapter that men can use to engage with God and learn who they are. He emphasized having a relationship with God first (“Really start leaning into your relationship with the Father.”) but also encouraged connecting with a group of men, a pastor, or some kind of mentor. When mentally weighed down, Antoine encouraged men to spend time reading the Bible – a way of “putting good fuel” into the system – and praying in a way that involves both talking and listening to God as we do in conversation with others. Even if one does not understand all the words in the Bible, it is powerful because it is from God; it requires time to get to know (as does a new cellphone). Finding a translation one understands is important, then reading it, begins a process of transformation. Connecting with Jesus leads to discovery that He is exactly what men need (and women, too, but that is another conversation), though it will take eternity to get to know Him more fully.
Antoine emphasizes in closing that God created you on purpose and put you in this generation on purpose. He has put something into you that we need right now in this generation. Get to know the love of God. We are His masterpieces, created anew in Christ Jesus to do the works that He prepared for us long ago (Ephesians 2:10, NLT). He has put gifts inside of you and wants to send those gifts to the world.
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Do you reject compliments, explaining why you don’t really deserve them? Do you get nervous when someone does something nice for you, turn down offers of help even when you could really use them, or hate the feeling you get when someone forgives you or extends grace and kindness your way? Today’s show is on letting other people love you.
It can be scary and humbling to let someone love you and give you grace. The enemy (i.e., Satan) will try to exploit this by encouraging you to think that you are in a one-down position. Sometimes it is easier to accept good things from a stranger because we do not worry there will be an ongoing obligation in the relationship. But grace, kindness, forgiveness, and help are meant to be gifts of honor. Do not insult the person trying to honor you by rejecting that honor.
So how do we honor the gifts of love others give us? Well, if we are gifted forgiveness, grace, and covering, change is the best response. Grace helps us have energy to get up again and do it right, to fix what we have broken, to undo what we have done. Allow people to love you when you mess up. Love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8). Covering often sounds negative to us because we confuse it with toxic secrecy or enabling. The kind of covering that God does for us, however, is not like this; it is a gift of grace meant to protect us while we are working on repentance and change. Think of covering wounds while they heal; we do not just bleed all over the house and allow the wounds to be open and exposed to further harm. We cover wounds appropriately to help them heal. Covering or hiding as a gift of grace means that those who love us choose not to expose our ugliness while we work on repentance and change, knowing that change takes time. God gives more because He has endurance people do not. Covering is not permission to keep deepening the wound; covering is beautiful.
If we are given courtesy or help, we can offer a sincere thank-you. Do not insult the person offering good because you are uncomfortable. Give courtesy and graciousness in exchange. Accept the gesture and be grateful for the thought. Good boundaries will help with this; do not try to read the person’s mind or assume their expectations without knowing them. If there is a motive, you are not obligated to recognize it unless they tell you. Unless you have real reason to believe they want something in return (e.g., the person has a history of trying to put you in his/her debt, or there are clear signs of a scam in play), then you cannot read minds to figure it out. You can, however, be nice. You can be polite, gracious, forgiving. “Our Father is kind; you be kind [Luke 6:36, The Message version].” Cinthia continues, “Kindness supports peace, and peace loves to linger. See, peace is a quality that expands. Kindness is a quality that is catching. God is a God of peace. He’s always going to war with the people that are harming us. And there needs to be that protection, and He’s able to restore and protect and to save those that are oppressed, harmed, wounded, injured.” So be gracious in your responses to others, and do not allow suspicion to steal the joy of the gift. If you find later that someone had ulterior motives (e.g., wanted something in return), you can say “no” then. You can say, “I wish you would have told me you were needing/wanting something in return. What can I do?” And if you cannot do what they want, you can tell the person that you will not be able to accept help from him/her in the future.
Cinthia discussed I Corinthians 13 and encouraged little ways to give kindness and spread mercy and truth. She also encouraged self-forgiveness, explaining, “The only reason for having baggage is not having attended to it; move on,” and, “You’re going to be able to love deeply if you also forgive yourself.”
Finally, Cinthia discussed Attachment Theory, which therapists use to discuss how humans attach, and how the motives behind a tendency to reject love often have to do with fear. She discussed the messages people with avoidant or ambivalent attachment styles can send others, such as, “Come here; go away,” and, “I could take or leave you.” She discussed both fear of rejection and fear of acceptance, explaining that God has made humans to need connection and that our defensive structures try to protect us from the pain of not being connected, as well as the pain of being connected, which is also threatening. Our defensive structures protect us too well; our radars give us false readings. We try to protect ourselves from harm, but we protect ourselves from what we need. There are scary implications for acceptance – fear of relationship, commitment, being loved or wanted, fear of the future, coming to depend on someone and then getting rejected, etc. – But the attempt to avoid this pain and loneliness tend to encourage a constant level of pain and loneliness. Are you ambivalent about relationships? Some part of you really wants connection, but it really frightens another part of you.
Cinthia recalled the “False Evidence Appearing Real” definition of fear and encouraged identifying the core beliefs behind our fears of accepting good from other people. For example, one might say to himself, “I’m not a good risk. I’m not going to do this -- all I’ll get is let down. I’m just going to keep working on myself by myself until I feel confident enough to put myself out there.” Cinthia recalled struggling with her own core beliefs about herself and realizing that part of acceptance was accepting herself. She explained that God finally said to her, “Cinthia, I didn’t consult you when I created you. I made you for me. I’m happy with you. I like the way I made you. I’m excited to spend eternity with you, Cinthia. So you can either get on the same page as me, or you can be miserable until you come home.” This led her to work on accepting the things she could not control, picking battles differently, getting stuck on fewer things, letting things go, etc.
We need to know the God Who loves us and to begin to accept ourselves. The more I accept myself, the safer I am to other people. The fears of acceptance and rejection never go away until heaven, so we need to let people love us.
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What is your “Achilles Heel,” the weakness or “limp” that is always there in your life? Do you judge yourself for it, berate yourself for having it? Do you try to avoid it, chasing feelings that make it seem less painful for a while?
Healthy self-esteem involves a balance, both for individuals and for society. We tend instead to swing back and forth on a pendulum, clinging to inferiority, then over-valuing our own good qualities. This is because we tend to cling to performance-oriented evaluations of ourselves and others, judging worth and value by achievements, accolades, approval, looks, accomplishments, etc. The key to getting off the pendulum is to learn that our worth is separate from our performance, that we are valuable because God made us on purpose and for a specific purpose. Secure in that knowledge, we then strive to be the best versions of ourselves, not to make ourselves worthwhile but to honor the One Who made us so well.
Instead, we often try to meet our needs for self-value by “chasing a feeling.” We may berate ourselves, hoping to force change that will make us feel better about ourselves. But when we depend on the feelings that come from our accomplishments or the approval of others, we find them to be fleeting. We fear failure, exposure, rejection, increased self-loathing, etc. It is like trying to nourish ourselves on dessert or a diet of artificial sweeteners without laying a foundation of good nutrition to sustain us. This means that chasing good feelings ultimately creates bad feelings, leading to more self-judgment and pain and inspiring more feeling-chasing behaviors. We tend to believe the lies that match our emotional states. This can lead to tragic outcomes including suicide. Believing all our emotions creates a hellish experience, which we then try to fight with more perfection, feeling-chasing, etc. What do you do to try to meet the needs inside you?
However, Jesus told His disciples that, by abiding in His word, they would know the truth and the truth would set them free (John 8:32). Truth frees us even when it is uncomfortable, unpleasant, and the opposite of easy. We must tell the truth to others and to ourselves. We are terrified of truth, but God wants to use it to heal us. God doesn’t tell mercy lies, but He has mercy on us by telling the actual truth to heal in order to heal us.
Cinthia discussed “limps” of her own including an eating disorder that stemmed from her belief that she was not “good enough,” as well as her dream of being a performer, which she thought must be God’s design since it was her dream for herself. Instead, God used the truth to heal her: that He had made her and liked the way He had done so, that He wasn’t going to change His design of her to suit her, that she could enjoy who He made her to be or not, and, finally, that He had given her musical giftings and creativity as an “add-on” and not her primary mission in life.
God tells us the truth because He cares. When we care about ourselves, we also address our weaknesses and discipline ourselves. We learn to recognize the fleeting nature of feelings. God doesn’t just want us to feel good. He wants us to know that He created us in a way we like and that He is sad that we don’t.
What are you fighting within yourself? What are you fighting yourself about, and is it worth the effort? Are you being your own worst enemy, or are you being a true friend to yourself? About what do you constantly argue with yourself? What are you fighting for, and what are you trying to achieve? Are you fighting for yourself or against yourself? What do you talk yourself into and out of? What are you willing to fight for yourself to achieve? Don’t die for a feeling. Don’t give up over a feeling.
Finally, Cinthia discussed an article by Cindy Rooy (Times News.net/living/faith/has-god-given-you-a-limp) and asked, “What is the limp that God has given you?” Jacob, notes Rooy, was self-sufficient and independent, but this wasn’t what God wanted for him. Finally, God wrestled (or sent an angel to wrestle) Jacob through the night, finally leaving him with a limp that remained for the rest of his earthly life. After that, Jacob stopped scheming to obtain God’s blessings and learned to trust and depend on Him.
God will wrestle with us to break our will so He can bless us in our brokenness. This is because He loves us. We were never meant to live in our own strength, independent of Him, and we destroy ourselves and miss out on the life we were meant to live when we try. Don’t judge your need for Him. Don’t feel badly that you can’t do it without Him. Think of how we feel about children and pets who need our help. God wants us to rely on Him in our need and learn to trust Him. Consider Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” (II Corinthians 12:7-10). We submit to God most consistently out of our need.
God disciplines His children because He loves us. Similarly, when we learn to care about ourselves, we learn to discipline ourselves. We only discipline ourselves if we care enough about ourselves. It is not ok to care so little about ourselves that we don’t discipline ourselves toward what is good for us.
Who do you trust, and who trusts you? Jesus is the Good Shepherd. He wants you to know His voice and follow Him. He does not want to give you a debilitating limp before you submit. He wants you to trust Him. His plan for you is specific, and He wants you to walk it out the way He intends, which will ultimately result in your highest fulfillment, though not necessarily all your best feelings right now.
God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or think (Ephesians 3:20). Trust Him.
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Cinthia opened today’s episode with a famous sonnet by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, entitled “How Do I Love Thee?” The poem famously begins, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways,” and then beautifully lists a variety of ways the lover in the poem loves the beloved. Cinthia cited this as a beautiful exploration of the reality that love is acted upon, carried out, expressed in actions and gestures that mean something to the lover and to the beloved.
Have you ever done something meaningful for someone you loved, only to observe that the individual didn’t seem to find it meaningful? It is very important to know how people want to be loved. It can be exhausting to give and give but find that the person to whom we are giving is not emotionally nurtured by the things we are giving. In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman listed five “languages” through which people give and receive love; these were words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts. Chapman asserted that individuals tend to have preferred ways in which they most like to be shown love, ways that most effectively communicate love to each person. Cinthia elaborated today on the idea that, while we can all receive love in a variety of ways and may not have only one “love language,” we do have primary preferences in this area, communications of affection that resonate with us more than others, gestures that give us emotional nourishment we can most easily receive. Recognizing and honoring one another’s love languages streamlines our efforts in relationships, making our attempts to meet one another’s needs more effective and keeping the needs from becoming overwhelming.
Learning to communicate through love languages is a process. As a loved one, knowing yourself involves knowing what makes you feel loved and owning it. Adults can accept not having emotional needs met in every situation, but, in close relationships, it is helpful to communicate to other people what will most help us to feel loved. Simultaneously, we must learn the preferences of those we love and be willing to communicate with them in these ways. Cinthia explains, “When we are loving someone, it is an investigative process… The problem is, I probably need to learn how to love you instead of assuming that the way I love feels good to you. See, we have this tendency to want to love people the way that we feel love. But the most loving thing I could do is to love you the way you want to be loved. This means I may need to do things that aren’t very exciting to me, or fun, or invigorating. But, if I do them, you feel great. And, really, maybe that’s the point.” Are you willing to communicate love to your closest loved ones, even when it feels involves altering some of your habits or behaviors, feeling uncomfortable, or engaging in gestures that are not meaningful to you but mean a lot to the one you love?
There are specific messages we need to receive in order to feel loved. These include, “I see you,” which we gain from focused attention, presence, fulfillment the basic human need to be seen; “I know you,” which involves understanding what something might be like for an individual and recognizing how various experiences might be different for one person than for someone else; and, “You’re safe with me,” which requires being able to trust someone with confidences and know that tolerance, forgiveness, acceptance, and desire for growth will be part of the relationship.
Cinthia briefly explored each of the five love languages. Regarding people whose love language is acts of service, she noted that actions are required to back up words spoken. For those whose love language is receiving gifts, the focus is not on how expensive the gift is but on the communication that you know what would please that person and have taken effort to do so. Quality time involves uninterrupted focus, prioritizing your time together, connecting emotionally; while the activity itself is not really the point, planning for and protecting the time together and the focus on each other during that time is important. Words of affirmation can involve verbal or written communication that says how much the person is loved and should also include why, noting specific traits that are appreciated about the beloved. Physical touch, for those who most value it, helps them know that you like being with them, being next to them, creating your own space together; it can involve sexual intimacy in romantic relationships but can also involve other forms of touch, such as shaking hands, patting a back, giving a hug, etc.
It comes down to the “do” – How “DO” I love you? Are you willing to learn, to adapt? If your beloved values being on time, are you willing to make an effort to be on time for that person? If someone you love needs help with something, are you willing to help you, even if it involves something that feels like work for you? How can we give one another concrete experiences of our love, working to make the relationship viable and enduring? Let me count the ways…
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Is attraction something that just comes and goes, completely beyond our control? Today Cinthia explores attractiveness as a responsibility we have to others, one that is not primarily about our physical makeup. While she introduces this topic in terms of spouses who are no longer attracted to their spouses, she explores it further as it applies to our interactions with society in general. How attractive we are has to do with what it is like for others to be around us. This is why men often appear more attractive when they exhibit “confidence contained.” In all of us, qualities like kindness, gentleness, mercy, flexibility, nobleness, health, willingness to work hard, etc., tend to be attractive, while disrespectfulness, immaturity, vulgarity, being unaware of your audience, refusing to cooperate with others, and selfishness in general make us less attractive to others. We are more attractive when we adjust ourselves somewhat to others by learning to “check the temperature of the room;” for example, we can notice whether other people find their jokes humorous and when they do not. They notice how their behavior is impacting others and adjust to those with whom they interact.
In our society, many people expect that others should be attracted to them unconditionally, as if all of society is obligated to offer them the unconditional acceptance they needed from their parents and continue to need from God. Sometimes people today expect that their showing up should be enough for everyone else. However, this is not a realistic expectation for adults to hold. We offer babies unconditional goodwill no matter how much they scream or how many bodily fluids they deposit on us because we understand that they are babies. We accept that teenagers are learning to deal with others maturely and may sometimes be difficult to engage; this is because we understand that they are teenagers. Adults, however, have the ability and the expectation to recognize that their behavior impacts other people. Our behavior can make us unattractive. Our hygiene practices can make it uncomfortable for people to come close to us. To refuse to recognize this is immature, and it is draining for others who have to deal with it on a regular basis. It takes courage to own the experience others have of us when we interact together, but maturity knows that its decisions matter. Selfishness and immaturity are exhausting for others. Pushing boundaries for attention gets old. Creating awkwardness or discomfort just to get a reaction gets tiresome. Selfishness, withholding, refusing to share or fill in the gaps for those who cannot do it themselves – these things are burdensome to others. Don’t confuse assertiveness and selfishness; they are not the same thing.
Owning your impact does not mean being someone that you are not, hiding your feelings all the time, or constantly seeking to meet everyone else’s expectations, no matter how unrealistic or unwholesome. It simply means recognizing that you are not entitled to show up without showering, use whatever language you want, and expect everyone to be thrilled that you are there. It means acknowledging that others are allowed to have feelings about the impact of your decisions on them.
As an adult, you can learn to be an attractive person, regardless of whether you possess physiological beauty. This does not mean our appearance is irrelevant, however; the ways in which we care for ourselves are relevant to the experience others have of us. The way we dress indicates something about our own willingness to contain ourselves instead of expecting others to deal with the rawest versions of us. Going to the grocery store in pajamas, for example, may to communicate to others that our own comfort is our highest priority and that we have little concern for the atmosphere we are helping to create. While the 1950’s had another set of problems, one positive aspect of that decade was the expectation people embraced to show some respect for themselves and others in certain ways, including pulling themselves together when going out of the house. Our clothes tell a story about us; this is why politicians dress differently when speaking to different groups of people. (Please note that not everyone needs to work harder at looking good in public. Some people need to “lighten up” while others need to “tighten up.”) Taking care of our physical appearances also impacts us personally. Cinthia discussed an article from Getty Images that addressed this through the lens of play rehearsal in professional settings; it explained that the costumes actors wear impact their embodiment of a character, that the way we dress sends messages to our own brains about who we are and impacts the way we perform. A study found that increased formality in students’ clothing increased the students’ abstract processing. This is why people who work from home are often advised not to do so in their pajamas but to put on some level of professional clothing. People’s brains really do pick up on clues subconsciously, and we really do send messages to others and ourselves. (Of course, appearance is not the whole story; while a tie may make you look and feel more reliable, you still have to actually follow through and be reliable in order to maintain that impression.)
So, returning to the arena of spousal attraction, a similar principle applies. Expecting your spouse to be endlessly and unconditionally attracted to you regardless of how you look, behave, relate to them, etc., is selfish. We should not take advantage of those who commit to us in sickness and in health by using their commitment as an excuse to be lazy or thoughtless, to become the worst version of ourselves. This applies in the way we talk to one another, handle our emotions, communicate about important issues, maintain self-care, and address problems. Ongoing attractiveness is not about achieving or maintaining physical perfection, nor does it mean we will not go through seasons of change. Rather, it is about taking responsibility to be pleasant company for those with whom we travel through life, just as we want them to do for us. And, when we know that we are struggling, we can show consideration for those closest to us by thanking them for their patience and acknowledging the impact our struggles have on them.
We honor ourselves and others by taking responsibility for our choices. Our choices matter because we matter and because those around us do, too. Be someone whose presence benefits others, including those closest to you.
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Are you willing to pursue virtue, or do you think of it as costing too much? Pleasure has a price, too, one that is sometimes worth paying and sometimes not. Pleasure is often an attempt to mitigate pain, but sometimes the price of pleasure is more pain for us and others. How much is your pleasure costing you? Your loved ones? Your community and society? Cinthia explains, “Pain is real. Pain management, when done morally, is the best antidote and possible cure for pain… in this world. Pleasure, however, most often masquerades as giving you positive feelings. It seems to give you rest and relaxation and fun, but it always has a price.” Pursuing pleasure is different than simply enjoying it as a by-product of pursuing what is good. The single-minded pursuit of pleasure is a dangerous road, a slow burn, one that often costs us the best things in life.
We often think about the costs of our pleasure-seeking in our own lives, but we often do not consider the costs to others. Good character understands and respects the price of pleasure to ourselves and others. Good character qualities produce emotional, intellectual, relational, spiritual, and physical currency. When we practice good character, we produce more emotional health, and we use our physical bodies differently. We recognize that we are not in the world all by ourselves; we impact and are impacted by others. This makes it important to be a good friend, partner, parent, neighbor, employee, confidant, etc. -- to bring out the best in others by being the kind of others can aspire to be. Think of how God partners with us: Even when we are not good, He is still good. Be someone that people can trust. You cannot do this if you are pursuing pleasure alone.
Contributing well to others does not mean you never receive or “deduct” from the relationship; it simply means that you make “deposits,” as well. How do you handle the mistakes in relationships? Are you someone from whom others have to recover, or do you contribute meaningfully to those around you? Do you go to events expecting only to receive, or do you bring honor, encouragement, energy, positive emotion, patience, etc.? Is your primary focus on deducting or depositing? On your experience or the experiences to which you contribute? Are you willing to pursue virtue? What are the costs and rewards of that pursuit?
How much does your pleasure cost others – even the pleasure of holding onto your own bad mood? What is the price of an addiction to you and to others, and what would be the costs and revenue of sobriety, for others and for you? What is your “aroma” – what is it like to be around you? How do people feel when you enter or leave the room? If your world is all about you, what does it cost others to interact with your world? Does your presence bring peace? Bringing peace does not involve pretense; it involves genuine confidence and the ability to give to others because you have been taking appropriate care of yourself. Bringing peace is possible even when confronting someone. It is not the same as telling people only what they want to hear, but it does involve considering how someone else experiences the conversation and not only what the conversation is like for you. Virtue is not always about being “nice,” though it is never cruel; it involves giving what is needed rather than what we simply want to discard during an interaction.
“What you do matters,” states Cinthia, “not just down here, but for eternity.” We can go to heaven because of our belief in Jesus, but He also wants us to participate in the work of His Kingdom, partly just by the way we are with those around us. What are you doing with your words? Cinthia read an excerpt from Jesus Calling (March 1, 2020) that brought attention to what is created, destroyed, brought to life, or brought to death by all the words we speak. Do you simply say what you want to say and then shrug off or defend the impact? Why are we not thinking and being intentional with our words? They matter. Cinthia also read II Timothy 3:1-5, which states, “But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.”
Our character is formed by pleasure and pain. Cinthia recited the poem “Along the Road” by Robert Browning Hamilton, which poignantly describes having learned deeply from sorrow what could not be learned from pleasure. Pleasure often moves us to do what is base, often giving us the excuse of avoiding pain. Pain, however, can move us to do what is noble. Pain reveals who we are and changes us into what we will be, for good or for evil. The things that cause us pain reveal what we value; Plato stated, “Man needs to be so trained from his youth as to find pleasure and pain in the right objects.” This training of our affections, our passions, is the work of building virtue. Until we get to heaven, we will always be dealing with pleasure and pain. How do you manage pleasure? How do you manage pain? Pain is necessary to create courage. When we refuse to face pain, we become cowards. A cure is often effected by administering the opposite of the disease, but the antidote can be more painful than the disease. This is frustrating. We can become more base because of pain and so seek pleasure above all else, or we can learn to deal well with pain instead of seeking solace in our vices. We can develop character in order to see the world clearly and still have the virtue of love that God demonstrated when He died for the world.
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Today Cinthia discusses the Wedding at Cana (John2:1-11) during which Jesus performed His first miracle on earth. The fact that Jesus performed His first miracle at a family event – a wedding, specifically – and at the request of a family member, has significance. The Bible calls Jesus the Bridegroom and the Church His Bride. God loves and values family, and we are His family. However, this account also shows us Jesus as a man (yes, also God, but still a man) and a son and family member. It gives great insight into gender issues, as well as our approach to God and His to us. So how did Jesus respond as a man to His female family member?
Jesus, as a male human being with a male brain, gave an initial response that indicated the problem Mary described was not naturally significant to Him in His role as a wedding guest. Cinthia explored several translations and paraphrases of His response, all of which seemed to indicate that He did not see the problem as one He needed to solve as a human attending someone else’s wedding. He was not the one throwing the feast, and it was not yet time for His miraculous ministry as the Son of God. He basically said, “Right now, I’m just a man at a feast. What does this problem have to do with me?”
Men often see things very differently than women do, and this is okay. Women can learn from Mary not to be hurt when a man does not initially see a problem in the same way she does. Mary went to Jesus, her son, and communicated about a very specific need. She told Him what the problem was, asking Him for help. She did not become wounded when He responded honestly. (Cinthia noted that men often say no first and relent later, while women often do the opposite.) Then she let Him solve it. She didn’t make several suggestions about the best way for Him to do this, when He needed to do it, etc. Mary shows us how to communicate with a good man. Having told Him specifically about the problem, she left the issue with Him and did not try to control the process; she just trusted that He would care about the fact that she was asking Him for help.
And He did. Jesus saw that this problem, which may not have seemed relevant to Him as a Man or significant in the bigger picture, was important to Mary. He responded honestly to her about how He saw the problem, but, because it mattered to her, Jesus made it important to Him. He not only involved Himself in what mattered to Mary but did about it immeasurably more than she asked Him to do.
Jesus showed us that God responds to us and cares about what is important to us. He may not always do things in the timing we initially request, but He does care and will give revelation about timing, significance, etc., when we talk to Him about the problem. As Mary went directly to Jesus, we need to go to God first, only then asking other people for help. Start with the vertical and only then proceed to the horizontal.
Jesus also showed us here what it means to be a good man dealing with His family. Some things seem important to a woman that do not seem important to a man. Jesus gave Mary His honest perspective, but He did not try to talk her out of her need, nor did He belittle it. Jesus made the problem His concern because it was important to her, and He did more for her than she asked – giving more wine than was needed and making it of the highest quality -- because He valued her. This, explains Cinthia, is love. Cinthia continues, “Men, you are the leader, the protector, the provider, the covering. Follow the lead of your Savior, and help the women in your life. Make their lives easier [with] kindness, gentleness, mercy when you’re not understanding why this is so important to the woman that you love.”
This first miracle revealed His glory, and His disciples believed in Him. They had been walking with Him for some time at this point, but, apparently, they had not yet fully believed in Him. You are in good company when you have trouble believing that God will do something. Don’t shame yourself over doubt. It is hard to believe in something you cannot see. It is hard to believe in something that others have messed up and misrepresented.
As noted, Jesus’s first miracle during His life on earth was at a wedding, a family event that created a new branch of family, and was at the request of a family member. Family is very important to God. When you belong to God, you are His family. He will not reject you, deride you, or say “no” simply out of laziness or spite. His timing is perfect. He loves you more than anything. He wants you to be healed, completed, etc. He will act on your behalf.
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The age-old idea of sacrifice involves giving up something that is valuable to us for the sake of something we value even more. Today Cinthia discusses the idea of looking past those things to which we cling and seeing what they actually cost us. Based on material from one of her earlier books, Cinthia asks the question, “What has to die in order for you to truly live?” What are you holding onto, and what is it choking out? What do you need to let "die" in order to see new life begin? To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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We know how practice works regarding an instrument, language, sport, or job skill: the little moments and long hours add up to create change that could never have happened without all the practice. But sometimes we forget that our other daily habits, big and small, are also practices, and those small repetitions add up to make the stuff of our lives. What habits of heart, mind, and body are you practicing, and what do you want to practice? Are the things you are doing today the things you want to shape your life and the lives of those around you? Join Cinthia to discuss practicing the things you truly want to perfect. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Lots of people are pretty consistent about brushing their teeth because they know good dental hygiene is vital for improving and maintaining oral health. But many of us don’t know how to take care of our minds and emotions, a significant concern when we consider that mental health disorders are on the rise in our society. While lots of factors can impact mental health, good mental hygiene is something we can personally use to protect ourselves, care for ourselves, and contribute as effectively as possible to the world. Join Cinthia to discuss what it means to take care of the minds in which we live. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Recently, we started talking about healthy competition, but there is so much more to say about it! Competition can be fun and may challenge us to strive for excellence, but it can also become a dumping ground for perfectionism, selfishness, relational aggression, arrogance, inferiority, and a general lack of contentment and fulfillment. Today Cinthia reviews some of the concepts she introduced last week and then moves into challenging our mindsets at a deeper level so we can compete in a healthy way and celebrate success – both our own and that of others! To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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You know that feeling that happens when you arrive home and get ready to go inside? It can be a wonderful feeling, a terrible one, or lots of things in between the two, depending on what it is like for you to live there. You also live inside yourself, inside your own body and head. When your distractions subside and you become more aware of your own internal environment, how do you feel about living inside of you? Today Cinthia discusses ways you can change your own internal environment, making the inside of your own head a place you don’t have to avoid. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Competition is everywhere, from the football field to the freeway, from the playground to that phone call with family last week. When does friendly competition become threatening? Why do some people treat everything as a competition? And how can we compete appropriately without losing our joy to our own inner comparisons with others? Join Cinthia to discuss competing in order to improve ourselves, rather than to destroy others or fulfill an inner longing that winning cannot touch. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Whether we deny it, dwell on it daily, or turn backflips to avoid thinking about it, the past can haunt us. What would it be like to face your past and make some decisions that help you move forward? To do what needs to be done so you are no longer defined by it? Today Cinthia discusses what it means to face your past in a healthy way and deal with it so it no longer deals with you. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Is there a legitimate need for vice in life? Life is hard, and it is easy to turn to vice to numb the pain. We may view our vices as anesthesia for our hurts and crutches for helping us get through life. Unlike crutches and anesthesia, however, our vices tend to move us slowly away from life and health rather than helping us do what is necessary to embrace those things. Today Cinthia explores what makes a vice, what function it serves, what it costs, and what other options exist for dealing with the pain of life. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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How do you think about your future? What do you dream, plan, or casually toss around in your brain? Whether we chart it all out mentally or simply put things off until tomorrow, we all give mental space to the time ahead of us. Today Cinthia explains that the way we think about ourselves and our future, as well as the way we interact with God about our future plans and the plans He has for us, make a huge difference. How will you think differently about tomorrow, today? To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Anger is an emotion that is not good or bad, in and of itself, but it can be powerfully used for good or for ill. It can energize and inspire, hurt and harm, move us toward connection or annihilate our relationships, push us to fight for justice or inflate us to believe we are superior to others. Do you manage your anger, or does it manage you? Are you aware of your anger, and do you know how to calm yourself and express anger simultaneously? Join Cinthia to look at how to use this super-power emotion for good. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Most of us know the signs of physical adulthood, but we often struggle to identify, define, or deal with issues of emotional maturity in ourselves and others, despite the fact that these issues impact much of our lives and the lives of those around us. Today Cinthia discusses characteristics of emotional maturity and immaturity and offers guidance for helping ourselves to mature in these less-obvious but oh-so-important areas, as well as dealing with people in our lives who currently lack emotional maturity despite living in adult bodies. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Now that the presents of Christmas 2022 have been bought/made, wrapped, and opened, what gift do you still want to give? What kind of gift do you want to be? You were made by God on purpose because He wanted to make you, and He intended you to be a gift to the world unlike any of the others He made. So New Year’s (which is coming up, by the way) doesn’t have to be about making a bunch of self-focused, perfectionistic resolutions to become what you think you should be. It can be more. Join Cinthia to consider the specific kind of gift you get to be to the world this year and what it might take to become that gift. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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The word “vibe” can make people think of different things, some of which are hard to define or differentiate. But we do know that our bodies have electricity, chemicals, and other physical properties that influence our “sense” of those around us. When should we trust our intuition? What is the difference between heeding those difficult-to-define danger signals and jumping to unfair conclusions about others? Join Cinthia to consider what we mean by “vibes” and how to approach these vague feelings that can seem so confusing. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Why do human beings (who, by the way, need love desperately) fight so hard against the gift we most need? What should we do when we wonder whether a gesture of love or kindness might have strings attached? And, when we do try to give and receive love with another person, why do we sometimes feel as if we are speaking different languages? Join Cinthia to explore why the love we most need is sometimes so threatening to us and to take a step toward more effectively enjoying the gift of love. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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As a holiday, Thanksgiving can take a lot of preparation. But the actual giving of thanks requires ongoing realignment of our hearts and minds. The good news is that it is worth the work on so many levels! Now that last Thursday's feast has come and gone, join Cinthia to look at the continual feast that gratitude can create. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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We can like, enjoy, and respect people with all kinds of differences from ourselves, but true intimacy requires a shared value system. We know we will not agree with our spouses about everything all the time – in fact, some might even say that “opposites attract” or that differences can help to create chemistry! But core values are those beliefs that most deeply influence the way we live our lives. Join Cinthia to consider your deepest values and how they impact your closest relationships. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Do you think of yourself as a leader or a follower? Do you want to teach or to be taught? Whether or not we own it, each of us gives and receives influence, and we are responsible for our behavior in each role. How can we own our influence and be teachable at the same time? What does it mean to be accountable for what we teach and what we learn? Join Cinthia to talk about all this and more. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Traditions are powerful, and their impact can be positive, negative, or mixed. What happens when a tradition seems to do more harm than good? What about when traditions devolve into going through motions that simply cause more stress, or when family makeup changes and different people bring different traditions to the table? Is there a way to hold onto the connections traditions provide while respectfully retiring or adjusting those that need to change? As we enter the holidays, join Cinthia to consider what to do with our traditions. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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We've all been there... burnout. It's the point when we don't care anymore. It goes beyond stress into the realm of despair. What do we do when the value of the journey seems to pale in comparison with the tedium, the pain, the effort of continuing? What about those times when we no longer have much hope, and even the thought of victory seems too far away to matter? Join Cinthia for a look at beating burnout in our everyday lives. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Why do some people lie more often than others? More easily than others? Do most people who lie meet the stereotype of a manipulative, generally unethical person? While acknowledging that lies can come in many forms and happen for many reasons, Cinthia explains that, for many of us, most of our lies result from fear. So what fears are getting between you and the truth? To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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What is it like to be in close relationship with you? To have a conversation with you? To stand next to you in line at the DMV? Today Cinthia encourages us each to consider whether our ways of relating to others are generally more positive or negative and what impact this has on those around us. She discusses some characteristics that may make us generally more high- or low-risk for others (and vice versa), as well as some habits that tend to make things better or worse for those who cross our paths. In a society that seems to promote both the selfish indulgence of our own whims at the expense of others AND the anxiety-riddled determination to validate everyone else’s feelings and beliefs all the time, how can we learn to be basically safe humans for the people next to us? To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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If you’ve listened to the show for long, you’ve heard Cinthia talk a lot about “being your own best version.” You’ve heard her teach that you (yes, you, personally) are alive for a reason, that God only made one of you, and that He did it on purpose. No one else can be what He made you to be. You’ve heard her teach that you can effect change in yourself and in the world around you. You’ve heard her teach that pain is inevitable and that the effective management of it is imperative for being your own best version. So are you learning to be your own best version? And, if not, what is getting in your way? Today Cinthia explores these established teachings in a new way. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Finally, the moment we've been waiting for... Cinthia's latest book, Wars to Peace: Keeping Relationships from Going Nuclear, is finally here!! And to celebrate, we are turning the tables with a very special interview, one in which Cinthia is the interviewee instead of the interviewer! Join Cinthia's editor Michelle Savage as she interviews Cinthia about her newest book, including what inspired it and how it can help people transform their relationships and their personal relational functioning. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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How many people have you heard try to define what love is? The poets, musicians, preachers, comic strip artists, teenagers, and so many others have been working on that one for millennia. Today Cinthia interviews explores a book that considers love less for its existential definition and more for its behavior, specifically the behavior of the One the Bible claims actually IS love. Join her for a conversation about Bob Goff's book Love Does. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Have you ever been told that you are your own worst critic? Is your own self-criticism so pervasive in your mind that it’s hard to even distinguish it from the rest of your thoughts? With all you have heard about the negative impact of negative self-talk, why is it so hard to turn down the volume on that inner critic? Today Cinthia explores the concept of the observing self, which is actually important for people to develop as they grow up, as well as some ways that observing self can (often in an attempt at self-protection, believe it or not!) become a caustic inner critic. She also discusses what it might look like to give that critic a job-change and expect more and better things from it so that it becomes a compassionate witness instead of a tool for self-flagellation. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Accepting ourselves as created beings who were not consulted about our own designs can be tough for humans. We may not like certain things about ourselves, even things that God designed in us on purpose. Sometimes we confuse our actual faults with traits we simply don’t like, or that others don’t like in us. But becoming the best versions of ourselves requires accepting the way we were each made and learning to harness our unique temperaments for a purpose. Join Cinthia to consider your own temperament and how accepting your own make-up (and that of others) can help you enjoy who you are, as well as work on the things that need work instead of constantly trying to be something you were never meant to be. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Children and adolescents tend to define adulthood by the freedom to do whatever one wants to do. Actual maturity, on the other hand, tends to involve skills like being able to wait patiently or do what needs to be done, even when one doesn’t feel like doing it. The fact is that lots of people in our culture go through decades of adult life without ever understanding what it really means to grow up. So how do we know if those people are us? Is it possible to see our own immaturity clearly and forge a path toward true adulthood? Join Cinthia to take a hard look at the marks of true adulthood. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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As Cinthia so often says, feelings are real but not always true. The “real” part means (in part) that our bodies produce chemicals that wash through us – things like adrenaline and cortisol that can separate us from our logical brains and, if we’re not careful, influence our decisions in devastating ways. The good news, Cinthia explains, is that it is possible to have emotions, notice them, and use them well without allowing them to drive us over proverbial cliffs. If you have ever have ever found yourself “drunk on your own emotions” or woken up with an “emotional hangover” from things you did while you were angry, panicked, steeped in hopelessness, or high on excitement, this episode is for you. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Humor seems to come naturally in some situations and for some people. But sometimes humor is hard to come by, and there are times when it is seems to elude us. While we never want to use humor as a tool to inflict pain, avoid reality, or devalue what matters, humor can be an amazing tool for helping us deal with pain, survive reality, and appreciate what is valuable. In what areas of life can you let in a little laughter? How can humor help you to enjoy what there is to enjoy and deal more productively with the things that are not enjoyable? To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Toxic relationships tend to leave us with emotional baggage to unpack. Unfortunately, there are some kinds of “unpacking” that don’t really help us to recover. Blaming yourself for someone else’s behavior, trying to understand why an abusive or narcissistic person treated you the way they did, slandering and villainizing your ex in an attempt to get the support or validation that has been missing for so long – all of these can be “rabbit holes” that only lead further into the darkness. Today, Cinthia encourages instead re-programming our minds with pieces of reality that got lost over the course of the relationship, especially when that reality is about who we are, why we are here, and what our purpose is. Join her to consider your next step in building or rebuilding a healthy foundation after the wreckage of a toxic relationship or other destabilizing situation. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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There is life after the end of a toxic relationship. At first, it may feel like you have lost the person you were before the toxicity started, as well as the sense of identity you developed in the relationship. But you can reestablish your sense of identity, grieve the losses, and continue to grow more into the person you were created to be. In fact, even while you are on this recovery journey, you can handle the situation with class instead of indulging in the kinds of gossip, slander, revenge, and other dignity-destroying behaviors we often associate with someone who has recently lost a relationship. Join Cinthia to explore guidelines for re-learning who you are without allowing bitterness or resentment to shape your current identity. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Passive-aggressive behavior can feel safe, satisfying, even virtuous or clever, to the person practicing it, which is part of why so many people use it without recognizing it. Its effect on others, however, can be irritating, infuriating, destabilizing, even crazy-making. It may give us some satisfying moments or protect us from having to risk sharing our real thoughts, feelings, and boundaries, but it can prevent our relationships from being truly satisfying in the long run. It can even destroy them. Today Cinthia discusses what passive-aggressiveness is, why it develops, how it impacts people, and what to do if you or someone in your life tends toward it. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Most people these days have heard the term codependency, but plenty of people don’t know what it looks like in real life or how to recognize it in themselves. Overly narrow descriptions of it exclude lots of real-life codependents, limiting our understanding and missing the hope that we can become stronger. Today Cinthia defines codependency and discusses a variety of ways it can operate in our day-to-day lives, as well as some areas we can begin to grow stronger. There are some really, really great people who struggle with codependency. Are you one of them? And, if so, what will you do with it? To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here!https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Most of the time, we talk about how to make relationships healthier, accept one another’s imperfections, and take responsibility for ourselves within the context of the lives we have. But what about relationships that are deeply and consistently unhealthy, despite all our deepest longings and efforts? Relationships can end in various ways, some much more devastating than others. How do you control yourself as you navigate a situation that is beyond your control? In the last few weeks, Cinthia has been counting down the relational threat levels, and last week she explored DEFCON 1, the point at which relationships end in one way or another. Today she looks further at how to survive the turmoil of a relationship that has reached DEFCON 1 so that you exit well. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here!https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Have you ever been in an environment where you thought you could not be who you really were? Where you felt a need to project an image that was more acceptable, respectable, loveable, etc., than the real you? Sometimes our own heads are places like that because we don’t really accept or even accurately see ourselves. Whether we struggle to accept the unique design God had in mind when He made us or the weaknesses and failings that distort it, we can’t go much further until we accept reality as it is. Today Cinthia explores why we may struggle with this and what it means to take responsibility for seeing and accepting ourselves as we are. We can stop trying to make the world meet our needs in ways it can’t do, and we can stop trying to re-make ourselves in self-defeating ways, making way instead for authentic growth, relationship, and discovery of the unique individuals we were made to be. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here!https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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This is the point of no return. In national terms, DEFCON 1 means war. In relationship terms, it means the end of a relationship by one path or another. In this series, which is based on the book Wars to Peace that Cinthia is just about to launch, we have been looking at how to distinguish and manage various levels of relational threat in ways that maintain our own dignity and that of others. Today we are looking at the most extreme level of threat response, the one which generally involves acting to end the relationship. And, while it is possible to jump to DEFCON 1 way too easily, threaten it constantly, or do things there that we regret for the rest of our lives, it is also possible to implement DEFCON 1 in a way that honors what is good, despite the inevitable losses involved. There is a time to go to war in a relationship. Let’s discuss what it looks like to determine this wisely and implement it from a place of health. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here!https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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The setting is a significant relationship. You’ve been picking up some concerning signals and have been on increased alert. Now the emotional threat level is increasing, and you are starting to prepare for the possibility that you will need to act to increase safety… Welcome to the second podcast in the DEFCON series, which introduces the concepts in Cinthia’s upcoming book, Wars to Peace. Today we look at DEFCON levels 3 and 2, which take us beyond simply increasing our guard to actually strategizing, preparing, and being ready to mobilize if necessary. The good news is that none of this means it’s time to start raging, throwing things, or saying things we will regret later. Today Cinthia looks at the strategizing and defense levels as we consider how to prevent our relationships from going nuclear. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here!https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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How do relationships become war zones? How do the emotions start flying, the words get launched, the lines get crossed, and the things we can't undo get done - all within the context of relationships that have felt safe, exciting, and beautiful? How do we go so quickly from being someone's hero to feeling like the bad guy, from living in a fairy tale to appearing on a talk show (or at least reminding ourselves of one)? And it’s not just our intimate relationships; any relationship that evokes our care, loyalty, or concern can become chaotic, confusing, and combative. But does it have to be this way? Are peaceful relationships possible, and can they be accomplished without the loss of dignity on one or both sides? Today Cinthia introduces a podcast series based on a book she's been writing for a long time (and it’s about to launch!). It’s called Wars to Peace: Keeping Relationships from Going Nuclear, and it teaches that we actually can protect ourselves without becoming abusive to others. We can learn to differentiate threat levels and make clear-headed decisions, even when others are escalating, attacking, or emoting. Join us to learn about Cinthia’s DEFCON model and how you can use it to know when/how to “go to war” productively with your loved one and when/how to practice peace without sacrificing your self-respect. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Healthier families happen on purpose. They don’t consist of perfect people (That’s why we said “healthier,” not “healthy” or “ideal.”), but they do take some effort to move in a common direction. And, while it’s true that families sometimes need major interventions and that dramatic experiences can be impactful, it tends to be the everyday “stuff”— the rituals that make up daily life—that forms the substance of our relationships. Today Cinthia discusses what it means to be intentional about our family lives and relationships. What would it mean for your family to take a step in the direction it values most? To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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What do you need? It seems like a simple question, but lots of us struggle with it, ignore it, or answer it incorrectly. Some of us give ourselves everything we want but nothing that we need. Others of us ignore, minimize, or deny our own needs, only to find we have somehow become needier with others. Today Cinthia discusses the importance of recognizing our own needs and taking responsibility for them, types of needs, the difference between needs and wants, and what we can do to get our needs met more fully and appropriately. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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You have a history with yourself. Maybe there have been some good times, moments you will always cherish. Maybe there have been some rocky points in the road -- betrayals, neglect, bad decisions, times you lost touch with your own feelings and values, all the big and little ways you have let yourself down. Maybe you’ve reached an understanding with yourself that you will keep the internal peace by avoiding saying “no” to what your desires demand, perhaps labeling this arrangement “self-care” or “being true to myself,” though you know at some level that’s not what this is. Or maybe you have avoided saying “yes” to yourself, assuming you don’t deserve what you want, can’t be trusted with it, don’t dare to hope anymore, or can’t risk the repercussions that being good to yourself could have. Whatever your history, whatever your internal agreements and arrangements, you have the opportunity right now to start the journey home to being the person you were made to be. Join Cinthia to look at what it means to come home to you. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Our thoughts shape us. When we confuse our own self-criticism with the concept of a healthy conscience, we may think that our self-condemnation is appropriate, important, even crucial to keeping us from worse mistakes and behaviors. Negative self-talk, however, often works against the very improvements we want to make, keeping us stuck in cycles of shame and frustration. Today Cinthia considers Proverbs 23:7 and encourages awareness, intentionality, and kindness regarding the messages we continually program into ourselves just by thinking. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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How old do you feel inside? Today’s discussion is not primarily about extreme dissociative symptoms but about the common circumstance of having internalized who we were as children and carried it into adulthood with us. Lots of us have parts that feel younger, parts we might think of as an “inner child” or “teen-aged self” that are still part of us. These can be fun and can help us with our sense of play, spontaneity, etc., and this situation works well as long as our adult selves are in charge of our lives, making adult decisions and performing adult tasks. But problems appear when our child-like parts are running the show, leading us to act like emotional children in adult roles and bodies; in fact, many people are so unaware of the possibility of emotional adulthood that they don’t even realize they are functioning as emotional children. Conversely, we may so repress our younger places that we have trouble playing, having fun, or being silly even when it is appropriate to do so. Do you have an inner child who is trying to protect you and function in the adult world? Or have you squelched the younger parts of yourself to survive in a world where it is not always safe to be little? Join Cinthia to look at what it might be like to develop your adult self and put that adult in charge of your life while also allowing your younger pieces to do what they do best. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Can yoga help us celebrate our bodies as creations of God? Can meditation help us have healthier minds? Some Christians are uncomfortable with yoga and meditation because these can be associated with other religions or New Age philosophies. Today yoga therapist Jessica Goulding discusses yoga and meditation as sciences of the mind that can be practiced by followers of Jesus with great benefit. Cinthia engages with her in a discussion about the importance of getting accurate information about practices like these, especially since they have such benefit for calming the central nervous system. Together, they encourage listeners to consider yoga and meditation as tools that can be used for various purposes, including seeking God and opening ourselves to His grace. Jessica has even created a way for listeners to experience meditating on Scripture at www.jessgoulding.com/respite. Whether or not you make yoga and/or meditation part of your life, today’s episode can help you explore what makes something spiritually dangerous or healthy for your body, mind, and spirit. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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“Religion,” “spirituality,” and “relationship with God” can be such loaded words and phrases, words that hint at something valuable, even crucial, but also trigger lots of complex memories, opinions, and associations. Today Cinthia explains that science is finding the human brain changed by belief in the Divine and interaction with it. She also states that the relationship God wants with each of us is (like all relationships) unique to the parties involved. So, if there is a God and that God wants a relationship with you, it might not look like someone else thinks it should. It might not even look like you expect. What fears, memories, concerns, or other ideas tend to get in the way of you exploring what relationship between you and God might look like? Join Cinthia to consider how principles of healthy relationship apply if you choose to engage in a relationship with God. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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There are sins we cannot justify or undo, errors that change the course of our lives, mistakes that harm others deeply. Some regrets wash over us again and again, causing our stomachs that familiar drop and dashing the hopes we had started to rebuild. What does it mean to come back from mistakes like that? What is the difference between hiding from those realities and genuinely seeking resolution? Today Cinthia discusses our responses to our own failures and what it means to acknowledge, forgive, learn, and grow after a fall. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Do you get frustrated when standards are too weak? Or do you tend to be annoyed with people who are too rigid? Flexibility and strength regarding our own value systems can both be assets, but getting the proportions right can be tricky. Sometimes we elevate our personal tendencies in either direction to the level of biblical standard, which often leads us to judge those who are more flexible or firm than we are. We may also judge ourselves in ways that keep us stuck rather than helping us to move forward. Today Cinthia discusses what it means to bend appropriately so we don’t break (at least not over something that isn’t worth it) and to give each other grace as we learn how to balance. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Lisa Beth Thomas was successful in business, a picture of strength as she helped famous people navigate their marketing needs. In her personal life, however, she felt intimidated and overwhelmed by the fallout of an unhealthy marriage and the ongoing financial and familial consequences left behind. Today she talks with Cinthia about the process she undertook as she found her voice, navigated major life changes, and identified the core fears that had made it so difficult to do what she needed to do. She discusses her discoveries regarding blame, responsibility, acceptance, and courage. Today, Lisa Beth helps others through her Outwitting Fear course (www.outwittingfear.com). Join Cinthia and Lisa Beth to examine ways you can identify and confront the fears that are holding you back. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Watermelon is delicious, but what to do with those pesky seeds? Cinthia recently read about a town in which people seed-spit competitively, and today she explores this as a metaphor for life: In order to enjoy life’s fruit, we have to deal with the seeds – plant them, spit them, discard them… Each of us is responsible for tending the garden of our own lives and learning how to enjoy the fruit as much as possible. What are you going to do with the seeds? To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Have you ever over-reacted to a situation? Have you ever gone into fighting stance, survival mode, or panic mentality when, in fact, you probably didn’t need to go there? Today Cinthia encourages us to take a look at our threat-level assessment mechanisms and consider how learning to avoid going straight to “Defcon 1” can improve our lives, relationships, self-image, and impact on those around us. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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We are what we think. Our brains actually change in response to our thought patterns, and, while we may not be able to choose every thought that enters our minds, we have a lot of power to control those thoughts we continue to nurture. Today Cinthia discusses research about the way our thoughts, including the specific word choices we use in our thoughts, impact our brains. She also discusses ways we can begin to craft our thoughts more carefully to make the changes we want to make in ourselves. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Does the term “group project” make your hair stand on end? Does the idea of another group meeting make you want to run screaming into the night? Human beings en masse can present challenges, but there are also great advantages to being able to work together as a group. We really can increase our group skills, but this involves accepting that group decisions will not reflect us fully, determining what is essential and what can be allowed to flex, and learning to listen and communicate well with others. Join Cinthia to explore how to enhance your effectiveness in groups. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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We all want to make good decisions, but how do we make room for discernment in the midst of busy lives and complex sets of circumstances? Today Cinthia discusses discernment as a gift, a virtue (which means it can be developed), and a process that (in most cases) requires time. Whether you are making a decision by yourself, trying to make one with others, or simply trying to make room in your life to make decisions well when they do arise, join Cinthia to learn to cultivate the conditions in which discernment can flourish. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Having addressed romantic intimacy last week and intimacy with ourselves the previous week, Cinthia finishes February with a look at the bread-and-butter connections that make up so much of our emotional landscape throughout life: friendships and family relationships. If we want to enjoy deep connections in these kinds of relationships, we have to be ready to navigate the murky waters of acceptance and how it differs from approval. How can we accept and be in relationship with mistake-making people? What is the difference between accepting people and tolerating unacceptable behavior? And how do our policies toward ourselves impact our ways of relating to the people around us? Join Cinthia to explore what it takes to have engage in relationship with human beings who are often frustratingly human. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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How is your relationship with yourself? Since we spend all our time with ourselves and experience all our own thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and circumstances, it might seem obvious that we would know ourselves well. But exposure to ourselves doesn’t necessarily mean we feel safe enough to be honest with ourselves, or that we relate to ourselves in all the healthiest ways. Join Cinthia to consider how you are getting along with yourself and what steps you might take to improve the relationship. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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True intimacy is knowing someone and being known by them. Today Cinthia discusses six kinds of intimacy: physical (touch, physical experience of being loved and wanted, etc.), emotional (feeling feelings with or around someone, sharing them), experiential (shared experience), intellectual (knowing things about people), creative (engaging in creative endeavor with another person), spiritual (e.g. sharing a religion or sharing who you are with someone, including values, who you are, etc.). Join her to identify areas in which you are already experiencing healthy intimacy and areas in which you may want to increase your capacity for healthy, fulfilling intimacy. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Do you ever look for answers you already know, hoping to find an easier way? Do you spend time, energy, or money trying to increase your motivation because you find it difficult to keep plodding along once a motivation-high wears off? After struggling with weight throughout his childhood, reaching 320 pounds, and trying to lose weight 27 different times, Aaron Knipp finally found what worked for him and lost 140 pounds. Since then, he has maintained that progress and written Calories In, Calories Out: What It Took for Me to Lose 140 Pounds and How You Can Do It Too. He has also founded the Cico Company (www.thecicocompany.com), which offers coaching, an app, and other help. Aaron’s discussion with Cinthia explores the human (and perhaps especially American) struggle to keep doing what works in any area of life, even when it is slow and boring to do so. Regardless of whether you struggle with food and weight or what direction your struggles with these things tend to go, you will relate to the struggle of accepting that sometimes we have to accept the math of life and take care of ourselves inside those boundaries instead of raging against them. In what area do you need to put one foot in front of another? Join Cinthia to take another step. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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What happens when you think there won't be enough of something? Chances are, it doesn't make you more generous, less selfish, more willing to share or enjoy what you have. The fearful belief that there won't be enough is insidious, and it doesn't go away just because your net worth increases. As we continue our series on money, Cinthia delves more deeply into what is called scarcity mindset. Join her to explore what this means and to consider how a change in your thinking just might help you expand contentment, generosity, and ability to make sound financial decisions, even without a change to your bottom line. To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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It may be true that opposites attract, but opposite values don't keep real intimacy going or growing, especially when those values are reflected in financial decisions. Committed, long-term relationships require a shared value system for success, and money is one of the biggest areas those values tend to show up. No wonder so many fights between couples are about money! The good news is that we don't have to keep having the same circular conversations about this topic; we can approach it from the perspective of the deeper values we share and begin to find some common ground. Join Cinthia to look at how to build a shared financial value system as a couple.
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What don't you want people to know about your finances? Do you feel guilt over money-related mistakes you've made, debt you've acquired, out-of-control spending, or a smaller portfolio than your friends and neighbors might have? Do you feel embarrassed about making as much as you do, or worry that others would make assumptions about you if they knew how much you have saved, how much someone gave you, or how much or little you had growing up? Money shame can come in so many forms, but it all comes down to a misunderstanding of the relationship between money and identity. Whether or not we have room for some financial improvements and changes, God doesn't look at any of us and see a bank account, a portfolio, or a credit card statement. He sees us. Join Cinthia to consider whether money shame might be getting in the way of your attempts to use money as a tool for accomplishing what really matters.
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How do you feel about money? Do you associate it with security, blessing, greed, need, stress, inadequacy, or something else? Humans have a way of attaching to inanimate things like money, and, at some level, this is okay, even unavoidable. Money is important. It's a lot of things, actually -- but it's not the secret to happiness, identity, or making relationships work. Join Cinthia today to consider your current relationship with money and what might make that relationship healthier and more effective.
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Do you ever find yourself doing the same old ineffective thing because you lack inspiration to create a new solution, or neglecting to change because you are simply not motivated to move forward? Motivation and inspiration can both be elusive. Sometimes we treat them like pieces of magic that either fall on us or don’t. Today Cinthia encourages us to look at what motivates and inspires us and consider how we can manage our lives in ways that make more room for the motivation and inspiration we need.
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Sometimes we think of self-care as selfish -- which gives us a great excuse not to do it. But have you ever thought of self-care as a gift you give others? We’re not talking here about sinking yourself into debt to acquire everything you want, or about harming others in a quest to satisfy your every whim. We’re talking about the basics here – drinking enough water, providing yourself with decent nutrition, getting enough rest, practicing some healthy body movement, facing your problems honestly, etc. How does basic self-care impact your contribution to the world? How does it honor the gift God made you to be? Join Cinthia to consider how self-care could be a gift you give yourself and others in 2022.
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If feelings are normal, where does anxiety fit into the picture? What is anxiety, and how is it related to trust, perfectionism, and survival? Most of all, how do we deal with it so that it doesn’t run our lives and prevent us from being the best versions of ourselves? Cinthia discusses all this and more in today’s episode.
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Negative feelings tend to be uncomfortable. As members of modern western culture, many of us have come to fear negative emotions and think that we are entitled to have positive feelings all the time. We may try ineffectually to change ourselves or others, hoping the negative feelings will go away. Others try to ignore negative feelings and miss the clear warning signals those feelings could send. What are we supposed to do with these messy, uncomfortable negative emotions that we just wish would stop already? Join Cinthia to examine your own beliefs about negative feelings and to learn how to handle them more effectively.
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Stressful situations have a way of revealing what is really inside of us, and holidays can sometimes fit this description! Sometimes we respond to stress by going into survival mode, even when our actual survival is not being threatened. We may feel cornered, panic, and engage in some kind of fight/flight/freeze response when, in fact, we do have choices available. Today Cinthia discusses what it means to distinguish the appropriate level of response to a situation and how to keep momentary stress from stealing the moments we have. Is it possible that you will need to soothe yourself during some stressful situations this holiday season? Join Cinthia to look at how to enjoy what there is to enjoy this holiday season, even while the stressors swirl around you.
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Last week, Cinthia started talking about “A.N.G.E.R.” This week, she explains the acrostic in more detail, looking at ways we know we are “doing anger well” or doing it poorly. She then continues looking at how to manage ourselves well when family holidays are difficult or when we do not have the families and holidays we wish we did.
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How do you know when your anger is a problem? And what can you do if it is? Anger is a normal, healthy emotion that can be of service to us, our relationships, and the world around us. However, it can also be handled badly, and, when it is, it can be very, very dangerous. Sometimes we don’t even recognize our anger, and it comes out in all kinds of ways. So how can we make sure we are recognizing our anger and managing it well? Join Cinthia for a holiday anger check-up.
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It’s hard to get far in human relationships without running into the issue of need. We need each other, but we don’t want to need each other in the wrong ways, wrong amounts, wrong times… Some of us wish we didn’t have to need other people at all! As we continue the fresh 2021 version of Relationships 101, Cinthia reviews some concepts from recent podcasts and then explores the meanings and implications of our various dependencies in human relationships. She finishes by taking a specific look at addictive relationships. These are sometimes hard to define or understand, but, when you hear Cinthia describe them, you will find it easier to determine whether the characteristics resonate for you. Join Cinthia to explore the crucial issue of dependency and find a step you can take toward improving the health of your own relationships today.
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It’s hard to look at relationship behaviors without talking about family, whether families of origin or the families we have created as adults. Our relationship behaviors are often created and regularly exhibited in our family relationships. We may form family patterns with our spouses or children based on experiences we had as children, whether by recreating the same dynamics or by reacting against them. While there are no perfect families and there is little value in “grading” or “judging” families simply for the purpose of criticism, there is tremendous value in considering what we have experienced so that we can respond appropriately: being grateful for the good things, grieving the losses, and learning how to create healthier patterns in the future. Join Cinthia to consider your own experiences with family relationships and to identify ways to be more intentional with this now.
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Relationships are one of the most important parts of life, but that doesn’t make them easy. There may not be a standard textbook for dealing with people, but today Cinthia offers some basic concepts and skills to improve your relationships and relational functioning. Whether you are struggling to learn these things for the first time or have taught them to others for years, these principles are important enough to learning, review, evaluation, and growth. Join Cinthia for some practical how-to guidelines for dealing with yourself, other people, and life in relationship with others.
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Last episode, Cinthia discussed determining our value by starting with our Creator and the value He established in us, rather than with our own history, performance, feelings, or contributions. Today, she discusses what this means for our relationships. What happens when we relate to other people based on the value God created in us and in others? What does this mean for how we treat others and how we expect them to treat us? What does it mean for how we respond when someone does not treat us appropriately?
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We expend massive amounts of money, time, and effort trying to grasp our own identities, searching desperately to figure out who we are. We long to understand why we are the way we are, and we often try to change ourselves, hoping to increase our own value. Today Cinthia points out that created beings cannot be understood without first considering the creator. This means that, if you want to understand yourself, you can’t start with yourself. To know who we are and what we are worth, we have to start with Who God is and what He does for us, not what we do for Him, ourselves, or anyone else. This also means that He has authority over the paths we take with our lives, authority we often resist. Do you tend to question your own value? Resist God’s plan for you? Join Cinthia to consider how acknowledging your status as a created being could alter your approach to issues like self-worth and the search for life purpose.To dive deeper into the message of each podcast, we've created a study guide for each episode. Download your FREE Study Guide here! https://www.cinthiahiett.com/services-6
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Sometimes we fight to preserve what we think we need, only to find we are preserving what chokes the life out of us. What in your life do you try to protect, even when God seems to be nudging you to let it go? What are you afraid of losing, and what are you losing because you won't let go? It might be a bad thing, or it might be something that seems so good, so right, so appropriate, except that God is saying, "Trust Me; I have something better for you." If you are familiar with Cinthia's book God Wants You Truly Living, Not Walking Dead, you know that she has wonderful insights on this topic. Today she presents it from a fresh perspective. Join her to consider what needs to die in order for you to truly live.
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Today’s episode begins with why self-care is important and then branches into the territory of ritual. What are your self-care rituals, positive or negative? How do your daily rituals reflect and reinforce your values? Our rituals take our habits to another level, and they can help us or hurt us, as well as others. What rituals will you add, subtract, or continue, and how will it impact your ability to be who you were created to be?
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You were uniquely created for a specific purpose. You can (and do, for good or for ill) make a difference in yourself and the world around you. To fulfill this purpose and effect this change well, you are going to have to figure out how to deal with pain; pain is going to be part of your experience on earth. Do these concepts sound simple? Profound? Too easy? Too hard? Helping people understand and apply them has been foundational to Cinthia's work for three decades, but they continue to be fresh and to find new applications. Join her today for a new take on the classic teachings that have helped so many clients, listeners, and readers move toward being the best versions of themselves.
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As if we weren't excited enough to interview Josh McDowell last week, this week Cinthia talks with Ben Bennett about Free to Thrive, the book he and Josh McDowell are releasing. Having faced his own trauma and struggles with addiction, Mr. Bennett is now the director of Resolution Movement, helping others discover tools for addressing their own struggles. Today he and Cinthia discuss the importance of recognizing and meeting emotional needs, reducing the status of asking for help with mental/emotional issues, and understanding how unmet emotional needs and unresolved emotional trauma can feed behaviors we want to resist but keep doing.
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Are your behaviors trying to tell you something about the hurts you haven’t fully addressed? Have you been repeatedly disillusioned by the sins of others, especially those of Christian ministry leaders? In their recently-released book Free to Thrive, Josh McDowell and Ben Bennett discuss the way our hurts, when not healed, tend to shape our behaviors, as well as our responsibility to find freedom and healing by addressing those hurts. Today, Cinthia is again honored to interview Josh McDowell, who discusses his own realization at the height of his ministry that “something is wrong in Camelot.” Mr. McDowell uses some of his own patterns and changes as examples of the way that re-learning who we are in Christ can change our ways of functioning in the world.
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Sometimes we dismiss self-care as unnecessary, inconvenient, selfish, or undeserved. But if God chose to make you, He must have wanted one of you around. In fact, one is exactly how many He made-- one YOU. And, while He may not want you to confuse self-care with self-indulgence, He does want you to take care of the unique work of art He created. Today Cinthia emphasizes that, when you don't take care of yourself, the rest of us lose access to what God designed you to give us. Join Cinthia to look at why self-care is anything but selfish and what it means to preserve and maintain your ability to be what God made you to be. After all, He wanted us to have you, and He didn't give us a back-up.
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Sometimes we think of dependence on others as inherently unhealthy, but, in fact, we are meant to need each other. To be human, says Cinthia, is to be in relationship with other people, and to be in relationship with other people, she continues, is to be dependent. Not all dependencies, however, are created equal. Do you tend toward codependency? Counter-dependency? Independence and interdependence? Join Cinthia to consider how you can healthily depend on others and allow them to do the same with you.
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What makes you into YOU but isn't really you? What contributes to your life, helps to fill the space in your head, impacts the style and mood of your daily existence, and generally makes your "show" work? Props can be good, bad, or indifferent, depending on your level of dependence on them. When our props change who we are or try to complete what God has already completed, they can become "leaven" and get in the way of sincerity and truth. Join Cinthia to explore what is propping you up and whether your props are stealing the show.
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Laughter is seriously good for human beings -- and maybe for rats, chimpanzees, dolphins, camels, owls, dogs, and penguins. When the Bible says that a merry heart does good like a medicine (Proverbs 17:22), it's not kidding. Laughter itself elevates our pain thresholds, improves our short-term memories, enables us to deal better with life by changing our body chemistry, protects the health of our hearts (the physical organ, though it helps the figurative heart, as well), and helps us bond with one another. We know "real life" involves sadness, stress, and tragedy, but humor-- really good humor-- is also a part of reality. In fact, it can be a part that helps us deal with those other parts. So when was the last time you laughed -- really, deeply, full-out laughed? Join Cinthia to explore whether you might benefit from developing your sense of humor or just enjoying some light-hearted funniness when life gets heavy.
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Self-respect involves accepting our God-given worth and treating ourselves accordingly, but it doesn't mean we brainwash ourselves into believing that we are admirable when our behavior is simply not. If we want to secure positive self-esteem, we have to earn our own respect; for that, we need integrity. Today Cinthia explores what integrity is, how it impacts self-esteem, and how to develop our integrity so that our selves are easier to esteem.
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Most of us know we shouldn’t lie, but how honest are we about our honesty? We may lie overtly or covertly. We may lie to survive, to get our needs met, to protect ourselves from pain (though we know it ultimately tends to bring us more pain), to smooth out social interactions, to spare the feelings of others, and for so many other reasons. Some people certainly lie more than others, some with remorse and others without. So when does lying signal serious cause for concern, like personality disorders or other characterological issues? How do we deal with it in ourselves or in others? Today Cinthia looks at the research on who lies about what and why, and she guides us through a process of examining ourselves. What would it take for you to experience safety and truth at the same time? Join Cinthia to look at where to start when it comes to truth and lies.
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Parenting advice abounds these days... that is, if your kids are still underage. But what if you have adult kids who still seem to need parenting? You didn't stop loving them when they turned eighteen; how can you help them now? And what do you do if their adult lives get bumpy and they seem more comfortable being your kids than moving forward with their lives? Parenting isn't easy, even after you finish bringing up children. Today Cinthia explores the boundaries that apply to parenting once your children aren't children anymore. If you made it through teething, toilet training, and teenagers only to find more challenges in the twenties and beyond, join Cinthia to look at what wisdom means now.
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Have you ever felt your stomach drop and the blood rush out of your head as you comprehend how badly you've messed up? Have you experienced those waves of shame and guilt that come over you again and again, gutting you, snatching away any sense of hope or happiness that has started to accumulate since the last wave knocked you over? We've all been there, but some of us live there, believing our choices to be a life sentence that will never fully be served. But the truth is that Jesus took our guilt and shame on Himself when He died for us. He has already faced the waves for us. So how do we let Him calm the storm inside us? Is it even right to try to move on when we have done so much damage? Cinthia explores all this and more today. If finding peace seems impossible or even wrong because of what you've done, don't miss this episode.
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Excuses drain our power by encasing us in reasons we cannot change; excuses are a problem. But sometimes a "no excuses" mentality gets too thorough and starts banning explanations in addition to excuses; then we have a different problem because explanations can sometimes help. So how do we stop living under the delusion of our own excuses while still embracing the understanding that can accompany insightful explanation? And, when navigating relationships and making decisions about whom to trust, how do we determine whether that other person is offering us an excuse or an explanation? Today Cinthia offers a look at the difference between excuses, which generally try to help us avoid responsibility or mount a defense, and explanations, which can actually help us embrace responsibility and communicate more effectively as we change.
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We look for all kinds of things to help us change. Most of us, however, already know a few ways we could change our lives for the better. So why don't we change? Today Cinthia explores what it looks like to be your own change agent, as well as to consider what is getting in the way of change for you. If you know change would be a good thing but are still stuck, join Cinthia to look at how to become your own agent for change.
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Have you ever felt like a crab without a shell? Naked, vulnerable, having lost your old sense of protection without yet having formed a new one? It's no secret that change can be difficult, and some changes are harder than others. But change is unavoidable, and we have to figure out how to navigate it. Whether you're dealing with change right now or just know it will be here again in the future, join Cinthia to explore what it means to grieve well and embrace hope in the face of change.
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Have you ever struggled with how to feel good about yourself when you look at the outcome of your own choices? If you've listened to Cinthia for long, you've heard her talk about how our value is unchanging, established by the One Who made us and Who loves us unconditionally. But learning to value ourselves like He does is not the same as saying we will always feel good about our choices. If we want to make good decisions, we're going to have to develop some character and integrity. So what does that mean, and where do we start? Join Cinthia to explore what it means to become the kind of person whose choices you can respect.
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Today Cinthia explores the gift of guidance. Doing life as a human is not always intuitive or self-explanatory, especially when we are struggling to mature. Join Cinthia to look at how the Ten Commandments and the greatest commandments in the Bible and the lists of deadly sins historically discussed in the Church, as well as the corresponding virtues, can provide us with guidance on the journey.
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Immaturity doesn’t always recognize itself. Sometimes we assume that, having completed the first eighteen years of our lives and acquired adult bodies, tasks, and roles, we must be adults in every sense of the word. Cinthia explains, however, that growing up and growing older are two very different things, and learning to take responsibility for ourselves is a major hallmark of emotional maturity. So how do we gauge our own maturity needs? How do we make sure we are not emotional children or teenagers who insist we can handle our own lives but have unrealistic expectations of the world? How do we grow up if we are? Today Cinthia explores the signs that we may need to keep growing and moving toward adulthood so that we can more effectively be the people we were created to be.
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Do you ever wonder whether you are fulfilling your life's purpose? Have you experienced times when you felt lost and without vision or purpose? How does God view you in your uncertainty, doubt, or confusion, and what are you supposed to do about it? Today Cinthia discusses what it's like to feel lost and offers some guidelines for those who feel this way right now. She even shares the lyrics to a song she wrote during one of her own similar experiences. Join her to explore what it means to receive the grace and mercy of God when we have no vision of our own.
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Have you ever had someone reject a compliment or other gift you wanted to give? Today Cinthia discusses the parting gift Jesus left us before His death, resurrection, and ascension: His peace. We tend to have so much trouble acknowledging and enjoying this gift, often gravitating toward worry and negativity. How do we access this gift? How do we open and enjoy it? Cinthia explains the role of trust in helping us reject worry and access the gift of peace God gives us. She also discusses the way our thoughts impact our physiology. Join her this week to consider how to take another step toward wholeness and well-being, regardless of whether our circumstances make it likely.
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Do you ever fear being kind to yourself? Does it seem like loving behavior toward yourself might enable bad behavior and harshness might be necessary to inspire change? Building on last week’s discussion of dying to the things that are killing us, today Cinthia discusses dying to self-hatred and the belief that self-flagellation is the best way to remake ourselves into what we should be. In this episode, Cinthia discusses what kindness is and is not (Hint: It’s not extreme self-indulgence or self-deception.) and looks at some research on how being kind impacts our bodies and minds. She considers passages from the Bible that teach God’s kindness is what changes us, and that this kindness is the example we are commanded to follow. Join Cinthia to discover what it means to love your own worst enemy when that enemy is you.
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Sometimes we hold onto things, things we can't imagine life without... things that are, nevertheless, killing us, stealing the life God wants us to have. Letting go involves a dying process. But the dying processes God uses are not those that leave us without life; instead, they lead us into a life we could never have imagined. Today Cinthia not only discusses her 2011 book but tells the story of how it was written. Writing on one continent as she prepared to speak on another, Cinthia started with the story of Lazarus and the verse, “Jesus wept,” and soon found herself writing and speaking about a struggle that stretches across culture, nationality, race and ethnicity, socioeconomic status, and so many other differences and barriers: human beings cling to what we think will give us life, while God knows those very things are killing us. He invites us to go through His dying processes instead of trying to perfect ourselves, and in these processes He offers us life we could never have imagined while we were clinging to what we thought would help. What is stealing the life He wants to give you? What would it look like to let go?
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We all face those times when life becomes painful, scary, even terrifying. Do you ever wish your education had included some kind of instructions for how to deal with these times? How to survive? How to thrive? Today's discussion is about Robert J. Morgan's book The Red Sea Rules. Only God can part the waters. Let's talk about what to do in those moments when we are waiting, hoping, not seeing a way out... We are not the first people to stand aghast at the edge of the Red Sea.
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Does self-care sound selfish to you? Or do you know it's important but tend to let it slide as you focus on other things? We know we shouldn't focus only on ourselves, but what is the difference between true humility and self-neglect? And how does neglecting self-care really impact those around us? Today Cinthia explores a topic that is sometimes misrepresented and misused. Join her to consider how appropriate self-care can honor the sacrifice Jesus made for us and enable us to serve others more fully.
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Do you ever find trust difficult? As humans we often struggle to trust ourselves, others, and God. But aren't there good reasons why we might not want to trust someone? How do we know when it is safe to trust? Why do some people find it so difficult? Can we develop trust if we have issues in this department? If we have faith in God, is that the same as trusting Him? Today Cinthia explores trust, including when trust is or is not an appropriate risk, how we learn to trust, the difference between trust and faith, and so much more.
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There are lots of magazines, talk shows, podcasts, books, friends, and family members eager to talk about what goes wrong in a relationship. But one of the most important things we can learn to recognize is what a relationship looks like when it's actually HEALTHY. We need to do more than just avoid the bad; we need to recognize the good and to become healthier relationship partners ourselves. Plus, the best way to spot relationship red flags is to know what the green ones look like so we can tell the difference. Join Cinthia to look at the signs of spiritual and emotional health that tell us when positive relationship is possible or likely.
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Do you know love when you see it? Do you know how to love well, and do you practice it? Love may seem basic and uncomplicated since we give it in one form as children. But loving well as an adult takes more maturity than we realize. John 3:16 connects God’s love with the gift of His Son to die for us, which tells us that His love for the world involves tremendous sacrifice; our love is a response to His and a reflection of His. Join Cinthia to explore what it means to love and why it matters.
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If peace is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit, why do so many of us struggle with it? Even as followers of Jesus, many of us continue to feel, think, and live as though we are at war with ourselves and/or the people around us. We assess situations and obsess over what could happen. We hold onto grudges toward ourselves and others. We view life and the world as things we have to manage constantly as though we have enough control over the world that our worry keeps disaster at bay. We trust God with our salvation, but we act as though everything before Heaven is still ours to solve. Yet throughout the Bible, God tells us, "Do not be afraid." What is stealing your peace? What are you carrying, and how long have you carried it? Join Cinthia to take an honest look at the things blocking you from enjoying the peace that Jesus left with us.
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Have you ever struggled to figure out why something was happening to you -- whether you or God or someone else was to blame? Suffering tends to get us looking for causes and making giant leaps to explain the mysteries of the universe, sometimes rushing in where angels, as the saying goes, fear to tread. Furthermore, we know that God refines us in our suffering, a fact that often causes us to see Him as the cause of our pain rather than the One Who brings good through it. When Job suffered deeply, he begged for a mediator, someone to help him engage God and enable him to plead his own case and understand his own suffering. Cinthia tackles this topic today, encouraging us to look at what we do know and see God for Who we know Him to be -- the One Who suffered for us -- rather than the cause of all our suffering.
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"You follow me," Jesus told the other disciples when they wondered what Jesus had planned for John. Such simple instructions, but following Jesus as ourselves rather than looking around at everyone else can be more difficult than we imagined. Do you ever wish you could follow Him as someone else? Do you wonder if He has a path for you, if He even likes you? Cinthia asserts that it takes courage to be the person God created you to be but that He made you the only one who can do it. You need His forgiveness, His strength, His guidance, and the assurance that He made you on purpose and has not lost the vision He had for you, no matter what's happened or what you've done. Join Cinthia for a look at what it means to be brave enough to accept the assignment of being yourself.
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The lizard lets go of his tail, releasing a part of himself to which he was firmly attached. In doing so, he gains his own life and lives to grow a new tail in freedom. What is it that you find impossible to let go? What will it cost you? What must you lose in order to win?
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The United States is in a time of great political change and upheaval; people on all sides are angry and afraid. (For those in other countries, this may or may not be a time of similar political transition, but struggle and conflict are ongoing realities, sometimes much more so than in the US, and are exacerbated in places by the pandemic and the attempts of various leaders to deal with it.) If our hope is in anything but Jesus, we are going to lose our footing. Any vision that requires society to be the way we think it should be will ultimately fail us. Today, Cinthia acknowledges the reality of pain and loss as we struggle with the realities of our time but encourages us to look beyond the assumptions and systems on which we depend. God cares about what happens in our governments and communities, but He is never worried or surprised. Are we going to ask Him for His vision and place ourselves humbly in a position to let Him birth that vision within us, or are we going to hang onto our own vision for our countries, societies, families, and lives?
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The tradition continues, this time with the added excitement of leaving behind 2020! Every year, we look at what it means to find closure with the past year and embrace the new one. Since so many people have struggled in 2020 and are hoping 2021 will be better, this year's discussion is especially timely. Join Cinthia to explore fresh application of time-tested principles at a time when we most need them!
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Have you ever struggled to trust God as you watched your life unfold differently than you thought it would? For some, 2020 has been an exercise in loss and disappointment, and some have seen gifts come quietly with the change. How do trust and acceptance apply when we struggle to deal with the reality of life as it is? Mary was a young girl, probably about thirteen years old, probably still living with her parents when an angel appeared and told her she was going to give birth as a virgin to the Son of God. This was an incredible blessing, and Mary seems to have been able to see this. However, it also meant that her life was at risk since she could now be charged with adultery, and it carried tremendous losses, such as those to her reputation and her dreams of a wedding, marriage, and family life. Mary responded by stating that she was the Lord’s handmaiden and stating, “Let it be to me just as He said.” In the middle of our joys and pains, gifts and losses, wonderful surprises and crushing disappointments, may we join Mary and say, “Let it be to us, God, just as you say.”
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Have you ever been at the point of saying, "I got nothing!" -- nothing to give, nothing to offer, nothing to draw on, nothing? We all face times of discouragement, disappointment, exhaustion, and even the temptation to despair. Today Cinthia addresses those who are (or have been or will be) in that place. When you've got nothing, it's not the time to give up. It's the time to find out what is being offered to you by the One Who has it all, gave it up for us, and will one day be acknowledged as Lord of everything. Join Cinthia to consider whether "nothing" may be all you need to take the next step.
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Feelings... Some think of them as touchy-feely nonsense, the kind of thing only the weak really notice. Others feel dominated by them, tossed about by a swirling ocean of emotions that ebbs and flows but never seems to stop. Lots of people pay attention to some feelings but don't even notice others. So what are these things called feelings? Why do we have them, and what are we supposed to do with them? Today Cinthia explores what it means to be created with feelings by a God who also has feelings, as well as what we are supposed to do with these feelings and what role they may or may not play in our faith. Whether you love them or hate them, embrace them or ignore them, feelings are part of our lives as human beings, so join Cinthia today to gain some perspective on how to use them the way they were meant to be used.
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Our culture tells us we should be so many things we are not, then tells us (without knowing us) that we should accept ourselves and embrace high self-esteem. God, on the other hand, is completely aware of who we are and how He made us. The things He has to say about us are not uninformed or generic. He knows what He made each of us to be, and He knows what we've each done with it so far. Today Cinthia looks at Psalm 139 where the Psalmist expresses awe at how well God knows him and at the amazingly creative work God did in making him. So what does this mean for how we handle our lives? Join Cinthia to look at God's incredibly intimate care for us and what it means to respond to the One Who made our fingerprints.
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Do you ever long wistfully for a time when your life seemed full of potential, when it seemed your life would be filled with meaning and you would truly make a difference? Just because we start counting ourselves out doesn't mean God does. Sometimes, when we think a person has passed his prime and is beyond the age when people can make something of themselves, God is just getting started. Whatever your failures, whatever your age, whatever your circumstances and however life has happened, God is still working, or He wouldn't still have you here. Join Cinthia to rethink your ideas about what "too late" really means and to reignite your willingness to let God take you places you may not have dared to dream.
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How much hope do you have left? Is your hope strengthening or waning? Our culture likes to tell us to reach for the stars and make our dreams come true, but reality often steps in to crush our highest and deepest hopes. The Bible, however, acknowledges that life is often crushing, and it seems to associate hope with attachment to things bigger than ourselves —God, His law, the Truth as He communicates it to us, etc. Cinthia explores what it means to place our hope in Jesus rather than in our dreams, systems, or social and political processes. There is a hope that does not disappoint; join Cinthia to consider how to more fully cling to this hope.
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Is addiction being adequately discussed in church? Ron Smedley is a pastor, as well as the Executive Director of Mission Recovery, a project of S.A.V.E. (Survivors and Victims Empowered) that seeks to advocate and educate regarding addictions, including opiate addictions. He has also been a parole officer and a caseworker with Child Protective Services, and is currently a trustee on the local school board as well as serving on several other boards for non-profits. Today he joins Cinthia to discuss the crisis, as well as the programs he and others have created to help people who are struggling with addictions, whether their own or those of loved ones. He and Cinthia discuss shame and stigma, barriers to recovery, and ways the church can address addiction inside and outside its walls.
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In a world of soundbytes, really listening to each other can seem a dying art, one that takes more energy and time than we want to allow. But we have a God Who listens to us, Who truly attends to us. Following His example requires learning how to listen to Him and to others -- and even to ourselves. Today's guest is Dr. Leighton Ford, a man who some say has mentored more people (especially Christian leaders) than anyone else alive! He and his wife Jean began a ministry to Christian leaders after losing their 21-year-old son. He joins Cinthia today to discuss his books A Life of Listening: Discerning God's Voice and Discovering Our Own and The Attentive Life: Discerning God's Presence in All Things. Whether you listen for a living or have trouble truly hearing and discerning anything these days, join Cinthia to learn from a master of attending to what matters.
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We hold on so tightly to the things we think give us life. We fear loss and change, and we desperately cling to our own self-definitions. But so often God knows we are hanging onto the things that kill us, thinking they are our salvation. He longs to give us life, real life, but to do so He has to kill parts of us that are choking the life out of who we were meant to be. Today Cinthia revisits an excerpt from her book God Wants You Truly Living, Not Walking Dead. Are you willing to let God kill what's killing you? Will you let the One Who made you define your identity? Whether you're ready to do it or ready to panic at the very thought, join Cinthia to consider what's really at stake, what we really gain, and what we really lose by holding onto what God wants to end.
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Our culture tends to value accomplishment, busyness, and a fast pace. We may not always get the sleep we need, and describing ourselves as "tired" is common. Tired, however, is different than weary. Weary is a deeper problem, and it needs a deeper remedy. If you feel beaten down, if apathy is creeping into your life, if pain and loss of hope are nipping at your heels, join Cinthia to consider what kind of refreshment your heart, mind, and body need today.
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Have you ever wondered if events in your life were orchestrated by God or happened coincidentally? Rob Ekno, who once lost a thriving broadcasting career to drugs and alcohol, is celebrating 28 years of sobriety this fall! Today he joins Cinthia to discuss his book Is It God or Coincidence? Coming to Grips with the Unexpected Wonders in Life. Sometimes life is confusing, but Rob Ekno encourages us to be open to see God at work in our lives.
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Forgiveness is one of the toughest issues we face in life, whether we are struggling to forgive ourselves, people we love, or people we never want to see again. Today Cinthia is delighted to welcome Ruth Graham for a discussion of her book Forgiving My Father, Forgiving Myself. Ruth Graham describes her own realization that she knew nothing about forgiveness after a visit to men on death row at Angola Prison, as well as what she learned about what forgiveness is and is not. If you have ever struggled to forgive yourself, others, or even God (and we’re not saying God actually does anything wrong here, but we’re using this phrasing because we get angry and disillusioned with Him sometimes), this episode is for you.
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Loneliness is about more than how many people we have around us or what level of contact we keep with others. The relationships we have with ourselves drastically influence the relationships we have with each other, which means that the work of reducing loneliness may need to begin inside us. Today, Cinthia encourages us to look at what’s really going on inside us. Are we judgmental of ourselves and others? Do we get angry about the things that disturb God, or are we fighting and ranting about lesser issues? Sometimes we are our own worst enemies, and we need the love of God for ourselves to rescue us from our sense of isolation.
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Loneliness has reached pandemic proportions during the COVID-19 pandemic. Studies are showing loneliness, suicide, and other troubling relationship-oriented problems to be skyrocketing. Today Cinthia is thrilled to talk with Josh McDowell about the impact of the current circumstances on Generation Z. The two note that our society’s emotional state going into the pandemic contributed to this but also discuss ways that contributing to the lives of others, even while locked down and isolated, is possible and is key to maintaining mental health. Josh McDowell also discusses his own experiences fearing the idea of a Heavenly Father until he experienced relationship with Him. Cinthia then further discusses the current struggle with loneliness and why God wants us in relationships in the first place. If you are struggling with loneliness at any level, this episode is for you. Join us.
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Pain has been part of life on earth since Adam and Eve ate the fruit. Sometimes it becomes so intense that we wonder where God is or how such pain can exist when a loving God is ultimately sovereign. Today Cinthia discusses the Book of Job and what God does with the suffering that plagues His creation.
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Object constancy is the ability to trust relationships to survive despite conflict, absence, or other difficulty. This doesn't come easily for everyone, especially if it didn't develop well in childhood, and some people may find themselves thinking a relationship is over anytime they have a fight. Others seem to act as though the relationship is irrelevant whenever their partner is out of the room. But Jesus told us that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and that He is with us always. He is the One Who can heal our wounded sense of object constancy and bring us to approach our other relationships with greater health and objectivity. Join Cinthia to explore how to start working on this today!
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Have you ever met anyone who just seemed angry all the time? Have you ever been that person? Have you ever pushed anger down to the point that it was running your life without even being acknowledged? Anger is a healthy, normal emotion, one that is given to us by God for a purpose. It's a great place to visit but a terrible place to live. Today Cinthia discusses what to do with our anger so that it helps us and those around us instead of destroying us and them. She is joined in the latter part of the episode by Michael Clark, who is in recovery from engaging in domestic violence and who has now founded the Ananias Foundation for others who struggle with it, as well.
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The term "critical thinking" is popular in education these days, but actual critical thinking often takes a back seat to villainizing each other, ranting, and even name-calling. Christians, unfortunately, are vulnerable to this, too, and we are currently divided over a number of issues, not the least of which is Donald Trump. Is he sent from God? Is he the enemy? Today Cinthia discusses what it means to think critically, then talks with Michael Brown about his ideas concerning evangelicals' reactions to Donald Trump. No, we aren't planning to turn this into a political podcast; today is a look at what it means to think critically about issues in ways that move us toward being our own best versions.
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What made Jesus angry? What makes you angry? Anger is normal and healthy; God feels it and gave us the ability to feel it for a reason. But living with ongoing, unresolved anger can be harmful, and anger can begin to inordinately influence our health, relationships, decisions, and lives. Today Cinthia discusses the purpose of anger, what it does in our bodies and brains, warning signs that anger is playing too powerful a role, and managing anger well.
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COVID-19 has struck fear into the hearts of people across the nation and around the world, and those considered to be in "vulnerable" populations may especially receive the message that they should be afraid. For some of us, though, fear is a familiar foe. Today Cinthia begins by looking at fear in general and is then joined by Bruce Bruinsma, author of Retirement Reformation and leader of a movement by the same name. Mr. Bruinsma asserts that, instead of conforming to the portrayal of seniors as fragile and weak, those of retirement age can be leaders in the fight against fear, using their experience and learning to help younger generations know what to do with their fear in the current situation. Whether your fears focus on the coronavirus, aging, or entirely separate matters, this episode can challenge your perspective and help you gain strength. Join us!
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How free are you? Do you truly experience liberty? Liberty and freedom are big concepts with big implications for politics, but they are also important concepts for those of us seeking to live our best lives, be our own best versions, and generally manage ourselves and our lives in healthy ways. Victor Frankl, for example, lived for years in concentration camps and found that he and other captives experienced differing levels of internal liberty, despite being equally deprived of their outward freedoms. If liberty involves the power and freedom to act as you choose to act and to manage your own mind, are you experiencing that power and freedom, or have you given up control to habits, grudges, regrets, addictions, codependent attachments, thinking patterns, or other forces? Join Cinthia to discuss what it means to live as truly free people and as those who embrace liberty, regardless of our circumstances.
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Some decisions seem like such good ideas at the time… but they don’t always turn out that way. While we can’t predict all the factors all the time, wisdom enables us to make better decisions, ones that will benefit us long-term instead of simply making us feel better right now. Wisdom is different from intelligence or knowledge; it’s not even the same as education. Wisdom has to do with how we apply those things, and there are times when the wisest people don’t have the credentials we tend to value. God is eager to give us wisdom and urges us to ask for it. So why does wisdom seem so hard to grasp sometimes? And, if wisdom is supposed to increase with years, why do we sometimes find ourselves aging and confused at the same time? Join Cinthia to explore what wisdom is, how to get it, and how to keep walking as you seek this most valuable treasure.
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Do you ever wish there was a handbook about friendship for adults? Something for those of us longing to enjoy friendships more, be a better friend, or connect more easily? Today Cinthia tackles the topic of adult friendship, pointing us to the One Who most exemplifies friendship and Who calls us (His followers) His friends. She explores the meaning and nature of friendship, how to be the kind of friend your friends need, and what it means to be a friend of God. If you want friends, it helps to be friendly. Today's episode offers help to figure out what this means and what it has to do with you.
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Have you ever asked the question, “Why?!” Have you whispered it? Screamed it? Cried it? Sobbed it? “Why?” seems like such a natural question in a confusing, grief-soaked world, but too many of us have found ourselves stuck on the question. We may demand answers in an attempt to control the uncontrollable, change the unchangeable, or soothe what seems unbearable. And, while it’s good to know God can handle our questions, anger, and pain, sometimes we cling so hard to the question “Why?!” that we start to think our hope lies in obtaining answers -- answers that may not come in this lifetime. Today, Cinthia shares some other writers’ thoughts on this and encourages us to begin releasing our determination to never receive peace until we first receive what we judge to be a satisfactory answer to the question, “Why?!”
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Do you ever suspect that our society is low on grown-ups these days? We tend to believe we are entitled to consistently pleasant feelings and that someone is to blame if these aren't happening. We get confused about the difference between things that "feel" true and things that actually are. Cinthia explains that these ways of thinking tend to be hallmarks of childhood, not signs of a healthy adult approach. Just as we don't want little children trying to handle adult problems, we can't let the most childish and vulnerable parts of our psyches run our lives and make decisions that impact our lives and the lives of other people. So how do adults deal with feelings? What hopes should we grasp, and what losses should we accept? How can we grow up enough to stop needing to believe things that aren't true? Join Cinthia to examine some ideas that may be difficult but can help us to truly grow up.
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How do you react under stress? And what does that tell you about your character? Today Cinthia continues her look at the way the pandemic is revealing things to us about ourselves, our relationships, and our world. She discusses the concept of distress tolerance as addressed by Dr. Marsha Linehan, as well as some ways to begin strengthening your ability to tolerate distress when necessary without turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms. She also explores the idea of radical acceptance and emphasizes that acceptance does not have to mean agreement with what is happening. Discomfort is a part of life, and we all have to work on our responses to it. Join Cinthia to look at strategies for dealing with the discomfort of life instead of making it worse with our reactions.
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Has the COVID-19 situation revealed anything to you? Anything about yourself, your family, your friends, your leaders, your society, anything? Cinthia is pleased to again share the microphone with Marc Lucas of "The Form" and Local Ministry Director of KPXQ1360 AM Radio as they discuss the ways the current crisis is serving to increase our awareness of so many things on so many levels. Maybe you are learning things that pleasantly surprise you; maybe you are learning some things it was easier not to know. Whatever the case, Cinthia and Marc assure us that God is with us as He opens our eyes and longs to help us see more clearly so we can heal more deeply and love more freely. What are you learning, and how will it shape your "new normal?" Join Cinthia and Marc to explore what it means to choose to grow in the face of the new information the crisis brings us.
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How do you know when you need help? Are you willing to get help when you need it? This episode has two related parts. The first is an interview with Michael Johnson, President of Slavic Gospel Association (SGA). He shares amazing stories of work happening in the Slavic nations as COVID-19 spreads but, like any sickness, fails to have the last word in light of the Gospel. SGA is helping many, and an opportunity to help is mentioned. Cinthia then continues with a look at how we know when we need to accept help for ourselves to deal with the problems and challenges in our own lives. Join Cinthia for specific criteria that can help you decide whether to reach out for help, as well as thoughts on why this can be so difficult to do and some ways to shift your perspective about it.
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There are rules for survival and other rules for truly living life. Today Cinthia discusses simple guidelines for doing more than just getting through this life, this pandemic, this day. You may remember some of the concepts from her book God Wants You Truly Living (Not Walking Dead), but today she discusses them in light of the current crisis and changes. Today’s rules include things like expressing gratefulness, valuing relationships, living in the present, accepting uncertainty, dealing with bad habits, and much more. Join her for some simple reminders that may not be so simple after all.
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Times like this, times of change and uncertainty and adjustment, cause us to look where we lean and consider what we've made our foundation, our support, our hope, our everything. Maybe you've always tried to lean on God but are surprised at how shaken you feel by something that's happened. Maybe you're upset about the virus or the economy or the decisions made by others. Maybe you are in a specific situation that involves sheltering in a very stressful place or trying to figure out how to support yourself and your family when your livelihood has disintegrated in a matter of weeks. The ground on which you stand may be shifting rapidly, and you may not have the strength to deal with the unknown. God knows. He is stable and strong. When our understanding runs out, we find it was always more limited than we knew. Join Cinthia to look at what it means to lean on God and not be disappointed.
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We are in a time of tremendous change, and we don't really know where it's headed. Change isn't new, though, and today Cinthia looks at how to deal with it at this time in history. What has changed for you? How are you dealing with it? Cinthia reminds us that, while God is not the author of harm, He is also not surprised by the current changes. These changes cannot prevent Him from making us more like the people He intended us to be. In fact, even while He grieves for the loss and destruction that mars the world He made, He still triumphantly uses change to produce growth, beauty, character, relationships, and so many other good things. Join Cinthia to explore what it means to continue becoming the best version of yourself, the person you were meant to be, even in the midst of the current change.
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Some people struggle with faith; some struggle with trust. What is the difference, and what are we supposed to do when our faith waivers or our trust wanes? What does God do when this happens? Cinthia looks again at the father who approached Jesus's disciples for help regarding his demon-possessed son. After years of agony, the man held on to hope but also was tormented by doubt. Jesus was worthy to handle both and still is. Join Cinthia to explore what it means to trust the One Who died for us when our doubts seem bigger than our answers.
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Do you ever feel so hurried or pressured that you respond too quickly, maybe at the expense of choosing the best response for the situation? Our lives today can be so busy, so chaotic and pressured, that our relationships start to suffer from quick responses and adrenaline-soaked conversations. Today, Cinthia explores "the power of pause" and what it does for our relationships when we learn to stop, ask for a moment, take a breath, check in with our value systems, and gain some clarity on what is actually at stake in the situation (and what isn't). Take a few moments to soak in this episode, and learn how to get more moments when you need them.
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These days, "boundaries" is a word that arises in popular conversation. Somehow, though, we still don't display better boundaries for all our popular understanding. Today, Cinthia offers the following guideline for boundaries within relationship: "What I value, I will protect; what you value, I will respect." She also uses a word we don't often hear in popular culture these days: self-control. What do boundaries and self-control have to do with one another? What do they have to do with Jesus's teaching that our "yes" should be "yes" and our "no" should be "no?" As always, Cinthia presents timeless truth in a way that's probably slightly different than the way you've heard it a thousand times, generating lots of food for thought and inspiring practical steps toward being the person you were meant to be. Join her for the fourth part of an amazing series!
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And now for the specifics... Having a relationship with Person A is very different from having a relationship with Person B! Having spent the last two episodes helping us with the basics of making relationships work with fallen human beings in general, today Cinthia tackles what it means to be in relationship with an individual. Gender, temperament, and personality can hugely impact our relational functioning, but these differences are often ignored or even denied in our culture. As a result, we are rarely educated to have awareness of how these things impact our communication, let alone actually start to communicate respectfully with people who differ from ourselves in these areas. Join Cinthia for a quick primer in how gender, temperament, and personality impact our relational functioning and how to improve your relationships with people who may differ from you in these areas.
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What does it look like to have appropriate expectations in a relationship between adult human beings? Last week, Cinthia launched a course on how to enjoy relationships, which are inherently complex, without making them complicated. Today she continues this exploration, looking in more detail at what it means to have healthy expectations for ourselves and others, but without lapsing into parenting each other or becoming judgmental and petty. She also discusses the difference between acceptance and agreement when someone messes up, even when the "someone" is you.
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Does it ever seem like your education prepared you for everything but life with other humans? Do you ever wish you could get a really practical course in how to manage human relationships? Today Cinthia tells us how to let relationships be complex without making them complicated. She introduces such topics as having appropriate expectations, keeping good boundaries, respecting basic differences in gender, temperament, and personality, and living peacefully in a world that demands our immediate attention all the time. Today's focus is on appropriate expectations. If you've heard people say that you should let go of all expectations so you won't be disappointed, Cinthia has another perspective to share, one that could help you make a lot more sense of how to approach relationships. Join Cinthia to get started!
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What is it like to be loved by you? Our love is not as pure and perfect as God's and is flavored by our personalities, habits, etc. Do your loved ones know you love them? Do they enjoy your love? Cinthia discusses how to offer love that feels like love to your loved ones. This includes some discussion of how forgiveness relates to the restoration of trust, how to accept forgiveness without continuing to focus the relationship on making yourself feel better, and learning how another person likes to be loved instead of offering only what you would like to be offered. Join Cinthia to consider how your love might be coming across to others and how to make your love that much sweeter to your loved ones.
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The past is powerful. If we use it for self-abuse, it can deprive us of so much that God wants for us in the present and the future. Cinthia explains that God does not give us the ability to remember our pasts so that we can self-flagellate, but so that we can learn and repair. God gave us time for a reason. If remembering your past still feels like waking up only to find the nightmare was real, join Cinthia to explore how to use your memories in the way God intends. You can't rewrite history, but you can redo things in the present and create a new future for yourself and, often, for those you failed. Don't miss this episode. The present and future are gifts. Don't let the past steal them.
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Are you afraid of the wrong things? In a world that tells us both to be fearless and to worry about everything, sometimes we shrink back from risks God wants us to take -- while taking risks with things God wants us to value and protect! Cinthia discusses the difference between confidence and arrogance, what it means to take our cues from God the way a child who trusts a good parent would do, and how to deal with the reality that we will make mistakes. If fear ever gets in your way, join Cinthia for a look at whether the things you fear really deserve to be limiting your life.
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How would it help your loved ones if you took better care of yourself? Would they worry less? Find you more patient and pleasant to be around? Toss their plans for the rescue mission they're planning for the day you finally crash? For our purposes, "self-care" doesn't mean self-indulgence or treating luxury as necessity; it means taking basic care of yourself, the way you would do for a pet, a child, or any person who cannot perform basic tasks for their own well-being. It means eating well, exercising, resting, drinking water, managing your own thoughts, etc. As much play as "self-care" seems to get on the Internet these days, lots of us still struggle with taking care of business, family, ministry, pets, friends, the car, the yard, the house, and a thousand other people and things... but neglecting the basic boundaries and tasks that would maintain the bodies and brains God has entrusted to us. Join Cinthia for an honest look at whether you are maintaining yourself well enough that relationship with you is a positive experience for others.
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Love sounds great, doesn't it? We all love love, we want it to make the world go round etc. But would you say you live in love, moment by moment and day by day? What would that even look like? Cinthia explains that this is exactly what God does with us and what He wants to do in us. Still, love is confusing on earth, starting with the fact that something so wonderful can feel terrible at times; just look at the cross. It can be painful, making us want to avoid love. Yet, if we want 2020 to be the best year possible, we have to start by aligning ourselves with the agenda of the One Who will be running the universe this year. He is Love, and coming to know Him involves learning how to love. Join Cinthia to explore where to start, why to keep going, and how to think about the things that get mixed up with love but aren't the real thing.
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Do you find it easier to take care of others (or of your business, your ministry, your hobbies, your pets...) than to care for yourself? Sometimes our own well-being falls to the bottom of the priority list, despite the fact that God has given us responsibility for self-care. In the long run, neglecting or harming ourselves, however unintentionally, can sabotage all our other goals, too. Cinthia looks at five areas for self-care: physical, social, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. Join Cinthia to look at what self-care really means and why it matters, as well as what you can practically do about it.
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Do you believe that God can do a new thing in your world, something only He can imagine? How can you participate in that, or even stay out of the way? Sometimes we have trouble perceiving and taking hold of what He's doing, but still He does it! Cinthia has been discussing practices to help make this year the best it can possibly be. This episode focuses on the fact that God is already at work in 2020 and that He wants us to go with Him in this. What does it mean for us as mistake-making humans to learn how to cooperate with the creative miracles of God that are happening in us and all around us? Despite continuing to heal and guide us through the fallout of the past, God is not stuck there. He's doing something new. Join Cinthia to explore how to join Him in the new things He's doing.
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How many years have you spent trying to control the external world so you can feel better inside? Or majoring in things that should be minors? If you've been with us for a while, you know that Cinthia loves to spend January preparing to make the new year great. There will be lots of things in 2020 that we can't control, and they may not all be good. But what if you were to make this the year when you change the way you relate to yourself and, by extension, to the world? Join Cinthia in learning to make new beginnings any time we realize we need them; this is how we seize the day!
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Happy New Year! Some of you may be greeting 2020 with excitement and fervor, while others may bring discouragement, loss, or longing for previous years. Some go in with determination to meet resolutions with 100% faithfulness, while others avoid setting goals they could potentially fail to meet. How can we approach 2020 with hope and helpful tools? Cinthia explains that both resolutions and hindsight become destructive when we use them for self-condemnation, but that vision-casting and getting closure on the past can help us begin this new decade with direction, purpose, and freedom. Do resolutions and new beginnings excite you but fizzle quickly mid-January? Do you assume you won't make more progress this year than you have before now? Join Cinthia to look at what it means to cast vision and live each day as the beginning of a new year.
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This time of year, we focus a lot on gifts --- buying them, wrapping them, giving them, receiving them -- and on Jesus, Who is God's Gift to the world. Perhaps the enemy is hoping you'll miss another piece of the picture: the fact that you are a gift, one God meant to give to the world on an ongoing basis. What would it mean to follow Jesus in living as a gift? Would it involve sacrifice? Joy? God made you completely unique and intentionally placed you in this time and place. Being the best version of yourself means allowing God to give through you in ways only He could have imagined! Join Cinthia to explore what it means to live as a gift that keeps giving.
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