You Were Made for This

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Today’s episode, #218, brings to a close Season 8 of our You Were Made for This podcast. If you’ve been listening for any length of time, I hope you’ve come to appreciate the high value we place on the skill of listening as a way to enrich our lives. As we wrap up Season 8 today, I’m going to share a story that illustrates why it’s better to listen than to talk.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it.

The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

A housekeeping note - let’s stay in touch While there won’t be any new podcasts coming your way for awhile, I still want to stay connected with you. Email is the easiest way for me to stay in touch with you. I’ve got some ideas and projects in mind I want to tell you about, so I’ll need your email address to do that.

If you already get my Wednesday email, you’re good to go. There's nothing more for you to do. But if you’re not on my email list and you want to hear from me occasionally, you’ll need to sign up for it.

Click here or go to johncertalic.com/email to get on my email list.

An example from the Bible of how it’s better to listen than to talk Alright. Now, for today, I’m going to start by sharing with you an interesting example in the Bible of listening found in the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 17, verses 1-8. It’s often referred to the transfiguration of Jesus. Here’s the story:

1Six days later Jesus took Peter and the two brothers, James and John, and led them up a high mountain to be alone. 2As the men watched, Jesus’ appearance was transformed so that his face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as light. 3Suddenly, Moses and Elijah appeared and began talking with Jesus.

4Peter exclaimed, “Lord, it’s wonderful for us to be here! If you want, I’ll make three shelters as memorials[a]—one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah.”

5 But even as he spoke, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my dearly loved Son, who brings me great joy. Listen to him.” 6The disciples were terrified and fell face down on the ground.

7Then Jesus came over and touched them. “Get up,” he said. “Don’t be afraid.” 8And when they looked up, Moses and Elijah were gone, and they saw only Jesus.

A few observations The passage is full of references to light. Jesus' face is shone like the sun…His clothes are “as white as light.” God speaks from a “bright cloud.”

Another thing I noticed in this passage is what an unusual circumstance Peter, James, and John find themselves in. Not only does Jesus change his appearance, but we also have him in conversation with Moses and Elijah, two Old Testament figures who died centuries ago. There’s clearly a relationship between the three of them.

But the three apostles have no category or words to process what they are seeing. They’ve never seen anything like this before.

And then I noticed one word that jumps out, waving its arms to tell me it’s the keyword in the text, around which everything else orbits. Like all the planets revolving around the sun. It’s the word “listen” in verse 5.

In the original Greek language in which the New Testament is written, listen means “to hear, consider, learn from, to understand, comprehend.”

A contrast in reacting to Jesus We see how this relational dynamic of listening is played out in how the three disciples react to this most unusual situation.

Peter was awestruck by what he saw at the top of the mountain that day. And rather than sitting back and letting the event unfold, he starts talking. He was so uncomfortable with this transformation of Jesus, plus the return of Elijah and Moses from the dead. He had never seen anything like this.

So Peter deals with his discomfort by proposing this laughable building plan that sounds so spiritual: Building three shelters or tabernacles, one each for Jesus, Moses, and Elijah.

Peter interjected himself into the conversation between Jesus, Elijah, and Moses. Do you think they were talking about the need for a shelter or tabernacle for each of them? I don’t think so.

The truly awesome revelation of the majesty of God should have silenced Peter by taking his breath away.

In contrast to Peter, we have James and John were also present, but they didn’t say a word. Everyone else was talking: Jesus, Moses, Elijah, and, of course, Peter. Have you ever been the silent one in the room where everyone else is talking? I wonder what it was like for these quiet two.

We miss things when we talk rather than listen The text says Jesus took Peter, James, and John with him up a mountain “to be alone.” Jesus’s appearance then changed: “His face showed like the sun, and his clothes became as white as light.”

For what purpose? He becomes transformed with all this brightness. Why? Then Moses and Elijah show up from the dead? How come? What does all this mean?

We don’t know the answer to any of these questions because Peter starts talking. Had he kept quiet, and just watched and listened, we might have learned more. But by talking, Peter changes the trajectory of the event by sharing what he’s thinking rather than waiting to hear what Jesus has to say.

Theologians have speculated for centuries what Jesus had in mind when he orchestrated this event. I wonder how this story would have turned out had Peter kept his mouth closed, like James and John, and let the story unfold without interjecting himself into it.

Notice also what Peter says, “Lord, it’s wonderful for us to be here!” He was making this spectacular event all about him, and not about Jesus and his agenda.

We often personalize events and make them about us when, in reality, they’re about what Jesus is doing to advance his kingdom.

Peter couldn’t wait to see things unfold. He couldn’t step into the larger story of Jesus, his transfiguration, and the conversation between Jesus, Moses, and Elijah.

He made this event about the smaller story of his feelings of awkwardness and his way of coping with it through his building proposal. It’s understandable that Peter would feel ill at ease, for there’s no category for what he, James, and John witnessed. Yet James and John kept quiet. Peter could have, too.

What are we to learn from this story? I want to come back to the original meaning of “listen” that I mentioned at the beginning. In the original Greek, as I mentioned, listen means “to hear, consider, learn from, to understand, comprehend.”

What are we to consider, learn from, understand, or comprehend from this story?

It reminds me of the fortune cookie photo you can see in the show notes and on our website. It was sent to me by Kathy, a long-time friend and board member of our ministry. She happened to be in San Fransisco on a trip with her son. Kathy is well-versed in our passion for promoting good listening and wrote the following about the photo:

We then went to a Chinese restaurant in San Francisco’s Chinatown, and after dinner, I opened my fortune cookie and practically gasped out loud when I saw this fortune! It was much better than the typical "A pleasant surprise is waiting for you" fortune! I knew right away I had to share it with you!

“There are lessons to be learned by listening to others”

“It’s better to listen” principles from the Transfiguration story So what can we take away from this story to help us in our relationships? Here are a few:

It’s better to listen than talk when we don’t understand something
Don’t let our own personal story, as important as it may be to us, get in the way of the larger story of God’s purposes. Keep our story small. God’s story large.
Look for how our story fits into God’s story, not the other way around.
Since Jesus brings great joy to God, we do ourselves a big favor when we listen to Jesus. In doing so, we will bring joy to God, too.
When we listen to Jesus, everything else falls into place. Our fears, our concerns, our hope for the future

Closing As we wrap up season eight today, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to see how you can put into practice the better to listen principle.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

And don’t forget, if you want to get on my email list so we can stay in touch going forward, you’ll need to sign up for it. Unless, of course, you’re already getting my weekly emails. Click here or go to johncertalic.com/email to get on my email list.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Prior recent episode 217: God Will Surprise Us

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

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In the past dew episodes I’ve been talking about how I tracked down my birth father and met him for the first… and last time in my life. You’ll find links to those episodes at the bottom of the show notes. Today’s show concludes this painful chapter in my life by focusing on a larger relational and spiritual principle that applies to all of us. Namely, sometimes in our difficulties God will surprise us in unusual ways to remind us he is still working for our good and for his glory.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Where we left off in the last episode In our last episode, #216, I told how I got the phone number of my birth father through one of his other sons. After about a month of sitting on the phone number and rehearsing what I would say to him when we talked, I finally summoned up the nerve to make the call. Part of my delay in calling, I realized later, was that the search for him was what energized me, not any actual contact with my birth father. The adrenaline rush was over.

I had no illusions that he would respond well when I called. I don’t even know what responding well would have looked like. The fact the man was married seven times lowered my expectations. There was no thinking in my mind that he would rejoice at my call, sobbing, and once he composed himself would say something like,

No fantasy expectation “Oh, I’ve wondered about you and thought about you almost every day since I first heard you were going to be born. Your mother would not return my phone calls. I even stopped at her apartment on one of my trips, but no one was home. I wrote to her a number of times, but she never wrote back. Then I lost track of her. I am SO glad you called, and I do hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for not being able to support you when you were a child. If you have it in your heart to forgive me, I really would like to see you face to face.”

A more realistic response, I thought, would be his denial that he was my birth father. He might even hang up on me. I’d be fine with either. The court records told me all I needed to know about his character.

Surprise ending to my search “Hello, is this Jack Byrd?

“Yes, it is.”

“My name is John Certalic, and I’m doing some family history work and I think you and I might be related.”

“Really?”

“Yes, does the name Renee Morris ring a bell with you?”

“No, can’t say as it does.”

“You would have met her in the late 1940s when you were a truck driver and used to make runs to Milwaukee where she lived. She was from northern Minnesota and worked for the telephone company.”

“Hmmm. This does sound familiar, now that you say it.”

“Well, I am her son, and she tells me you are my father.”

Long silence. Dead air. Nothing. What is he going to say now? What came out of his mouth surprised me.

“Well, well,” with a jovial laugh as would come from a gentle grandfather, “I guess I have children all over the country I didn’t even know about.”

We talked for a bit more, exchanged addresses, and agreed to send pictures of each other.

Neither of us ever did.

A different surprise phone call After tracking him down, and then my telephone conversation with Jack Edward Byrd, I was able to put things to rest more easily. That all changed about six months later when the telephone rang one sunny Sunday autumn afternoon.

“Hello.”

“Hello. Is this John Certalic?”

“Yes, it is.”

“You don’t know me, but my name is Judy Capes.”

I went silent for what seemed like an hour as I processed what I just heard and speculated what it might mean. Why was SHE calling? How did she find me? Was I going to be in trouble? All these thoughts raced through my head, like an auctioneer’s rapid review of bids on used farm equipment at a foreclosure.

What did I do wrong now? was the question that always popped into my mind at times like this. The answer was almost always nothing, but growing up as a kid, I always assumed I was doing something wrong. What other

explanation could there be for my mother yelling and slapping me in the face so many times?

“You don’t know me, but my name is Judy Capes.”

But I did know something of Judy Capes.

She is Jack Byrd’s first child from his first of six marriages. I learned about her from court records I had found in Fort Wayne.

She continued. “I was talking to Dad recently and he told me about your call to him several months ago. He wrote you a card and sent a few pictures, but they came back to him in the mail. Apparently you moved and the forwarding address expired.”

My birth father tracks me down She was right. I had given him my office address rather than my home address, and I had moved my business to another part of town before he wrote to me. I was surprised it had been that long since I talked to him.

“Dad asked if I would try to track you down for him. So I just searched online and found you rather easily.”

“I see.”

“I guess you and I are brother and sister then,” she gracefully remarked, trying to end the awkward silence.

“I guess so.”

So Judy knew.

In my search for Jack Edward Byrd, I didn’t want to open up a can of worms for him or his other children or ex-wives. So I never tipped my hand to share with any of them that I was his illegitimate child, the one he kept secret from everyone.

“Tell me about yourself, then. And how did you find Dad?”

Now that she knew, I had no reason to be secretive, so I gave her a quick summary of my life and told her how I found the man she called “Dad,” but for whom I had no title other than the antiseptic, “Birth father.”

Discovering a surprise sibling “So that’s me, Judy. Tell me about you.”

I learned she was living in Leesburg, Indiana—just twenty minutes from our daughter’s in-laws, a couple with whom we became friends when our kids married.

We had a long talk, a very pleasant one that concluded with Judy saying, “I’d like to meet you in person. Any chance we could do that when you visit your daughter’s in-laws?”

“Possibly,” I said. “We don’t get down to Indiana as much anymore now that our daughter moved back to Milwaukee. But I would like to see you, too.”

Shortly thereafter, the conversation ended. I thought, Do I have room for another relationship?

Within six months, Janet and I were visiting Judy. Meeting her renewed my curiosity about Jack Edward Byrd, the one person we had in common.

The Saturday afternoon of our meeting, Janet and I drove up the gravel road to where Judy lived in semi-rural Leesburg, Indiana. We turned a bend in the fire lane that separated two rows of one-story homes on small lots in between two channels of a lake we later learned was good for fishing. Within a minute of pulling up to her tasteful and well-maintained yellow home, she came out to greet us as we got out of our car.

She’s very tall, just like me, was my first thought. Just like her father, as described to me by his former daughter-in-law.

“She looks like you. I could see the resemblance right away,” Janet would tell me later.

As we got out of the car, Judy walked over to us, welcomed us, and gave me a big hug.

A surprising family reunion Months passed and one day I got an e-mail from Judy, saying she was going to arrange a family reunion at her house some Sunday afternoon in the fall.

“I do hope you and Janet can come. We are flying Dad up, and Jim and I are going to drive down to the Indianapolis airport to pick him up the Saturday before.

“He doesn’t know anything about this, and I’m not going to tell him until he gets off the plane. If I told him now, he probably wouldn’t come. So that’s why I’m going to spring it on him once he’s off the plane. There’s a distinct possibility, though, he might turn around and fly right back home to Florida. I’m willing to take the risk, though.”

Judy continued. “I’ve already talked to my other brothers and sisters, and all except one plan to come. Some of them have not seen or talked to Dad in over thirty years. I sure hope you can come.”

That call set the stage for the most awkward afternoon I have ever spent in my life.

As we sat in Judy’s living room, I talked a little, but mostly listened and drew people out to learn about them. They comprised an interesting group, and

was enjoying myself. Then the door bell rang, the front door opened, and in walked a tall, slightly hunched over, silver-haired old man.

It was Jack Edward Byrd.

I meet my birth father Wearing a white and peach-colored Ban-Lon sport shirt, gray polyester pants, and white shoes, my birth father looked every bit the part of an eighty-year-old retiree from Florida.

“Hi, everyone,” he announced to those in the living room. He straightened his shoulders and began walking around the room, extending his handshake to some. He walked past me with a fleeting “Hello.” What a terribly awkward moment.

He seemed like the next-door neighbor who just stopped over to borrow a plumber’s snake to clean out a clogged drain.

I watched him engage with the others in small talk. He appeared comfortable, while most of the rest of us looked ill at ease. It was a meeting of strangers. Judy later told me some of her siblings, who live within forty miles of each other, had not seen or talked to each other since high school.

Though I dislike ice-breakers, I felt like we needed one at that moment. Something like, “Share with your partner a favorite childhood memory.”

It was an afternoon of small talk around a really big elephant in the room—Jack E. Byrd, the father of us all.

Sharing the search results with two trusted friends More significant than all the details of locating, and then meeting my birth father, is how I finally moved passed this I never should have born - it’s not how it’s done chapter in my life. It’s significant because it illustrates a relational principle that can be applied in many different situations when we want to help people close to us going through a difficult patch in their life.

For me, help came from my wife Janet, and two friends, Brad and Kathy. The four of us would get together for dinner occasionally during the search for my birth father. They would ask how trying to locate him was going and I’d update them on my progress. It was something I didn’t want to talk about, yet I wanted to at the same time. It was always upsetting to me.

One particular evening we made arrangements to meet for dinner. Driving to the restaurant, I vowed I would not talk about what I was going through. It weighed so heavily on my heart that I needed a break from it all. We had gone out with them twice before, and both times when they asked how I was doing, I couldn’t hold back the tears, for it started the playback of “I should never have been born.” I didn’t want to hear this song again, so I rehearsed in my mind that if they brought the subject up, I was going to stay calm and either say “I’d rather not talk about it,” or just give some cursory facts to be polite.

A dinner surprise It was a dark, wintry Saturday night when we pulled up to the restaurant. I dropped Janet off at the door, then drove down several rows of parked cars before I could find an empty stall for mine. When I walked in the door, I wasn’t able to see Janet, nor Kathy and Brad, anywhere. They must have gotten a table already, I thought. So I began looking for them through the dim light. It took a while for my eyes to adjust, but I spotted them over in the corner at a round table. Table in the corner of a dark restaurant—good

choice, I thought, given how I had been at the more recent times we’ve eaten out together. Besides faintly seeing their silhouettes through the dark light, I also spotted something else at the table.

As I neared the table, I could see tied to the empty chair they saved for me a yellow, helium-filled mylar balloon emblazoned in very large letters, “He’s here! It’s a boy!” Just like the kind of balloon you find in a hospital gift shop you give to parents of newborns. It caught me so off-guard it took my breath away.

I sat down stunned. On my placemat was a card from Kathy and Brad, which on the front read “A baby is a gift of love—it’s a boy. Congratulations!” And on the inside, they had written, “We are so happy you were born.”

This surprise took my breath away I stared at the card, still feeling the impact of the helium-filled balloon behind me. I couldn’t speak. Nothing came out of me, except the tears I had committed to stuff down while in the parking lot just a few moments before. But these were different tears. Not tears of sorrow, as the others had been. But rather, tears of cleansing release, tears that washed away the dirt of my depression, tears that cleared my eyes so I could see what was true, what was real.

No one said anything. They just watched. Their long silence was so compassionate, so caring, so tender. All I could muster was “Thank you” and a huge sigh of relief. It seems odd now, but something very heavy lifted from me that night. It was like the helium in the balloon. Everything lightened from my heart and seemed to slowly float to the ceiling, through the roof, and gently through the cold night sky up to the stars that seemed to call it away. Far, far away, where it would no longer grip me as it had for so many years.

In the days following, we continued to remain friends. Brad and Kathy knew all about my phone conversation with Jack Byrd, and then meeting him in person at Judy’s house in that most uncomfortable of family reunions.

Friends drift apart But when we started attending different churches, we drifted apart and didn’t see each other anymore for years. But what they did that night with a helium-filled balloon and a simple card came in handy as a sermon illustration fifteen years later. I was asked to preach a four-part series on caring for others at a church we had recently started attending.

The first sermon was to be about one of my favorite stories in the Bible from the Gospel of Mark where Jesus cared for some difficult people in his life—his own disciples.

I like that story because the disciples remind me of how difficult a person I was for the people in my life during the search for my birth father. The disciples didn’t create a scene in a restaurant like I did, but they certainly needed help when Jesus told them to row across the Sea of Galilee soon after He had fed 5,000 men and their families. Maybe it was the food; I don’t know. In both my story and the disciples’ story, food brought out the worst in us—and the best in the people who cared for us.

Jesus gets in the boat with people When the disciples did what Jesus told them by getting into the boat on the large lake that is the Sea of Galilee, a storm came up. It caused them to strain at the oars to make it to the other side. They were obedient, yet as the Gospel writer Mark tells us, they were struggling, they were fearful, and their hearts were hardened toward Jesus. The thing that gets them out of their

predicament was Jesus walking from shore onto the water to meet them and get in the boat with them. He says very little in doing so, but in getting in the boat with the obedient, but scared and hardened men, Jesus makes their problem go away. The winds die down and the seas calm, all because Jesus got in the boat with them.

As I prepared this sermon, I was reminded how years earlier my friends Brad and Kathy, did what Jesus did. They got in the boat with me, didn’t say much, but listened and cared for me by just being there. Their presence, even when I caused several scenes in several restaurants, calmed the stormy seas in my life, just as Jesus getting in the boat with His frightened, hardhearted apostles calmed the Sea of Galilee and their hearts as well.

An important relationship principle Brad and Kathy illustrated the principle that we tend to overestimate the power of words, but underestimate the power of our presence. We think we need to say something, that we need to dispense wise, comforting, and helpful words to care for people. But on days when we’re not feeling terribly wise because we’ve misplaced the car keys or can’t figure out how to program our DVR, we feel so inadequate.

Most of caring is just showing up, but it is so hard to do when our own needs and inadequacies nag at us like dirty dishes in the sink crying for our attention. Caring for others exposes our perceived shortcomings of who we are and what we’re capable of. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I make things worse? If I can’t fix this person’s problem what then? What will all of this say about ME?

I planned to mention in my sermon that caring for others is not about us. It’s about them. It’s about being available to God to be used to draw people to

His son Jesus. It’s not about being a competent problem-solver or wise advice-giver. It’s about reflecting the image of God well and being His

representative. It’s about getting out of the way so the Holy Spirit can work in someone’s heart without interference from us.

A surprise from God That’s what Kathy and Brad did for me, and it’s what we can all do for each other. In my finer moments, as rare as they are, I find myself asking the question, I wonder if there’s someone God is asking me to get into the boat with. Not conventional grammar, I know. But sometimes the best thoughts have the worst English.

So that’s what I prepared to talk about in my sermon that Sunday morning. Moments before the service began, I was stunned to see two friends seated in the audience I had not seen or talked to in years—Brad and Kathy.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to think of a person going through a rough time who could use someone like you to get into their boat.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 215: Searching For My Birth Father

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Prior recent episode 216: Our Past Helps Us Understand Our Present

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

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Hello everyone. If you haven’t listened to episode 215, “Searching for my Birth Father,” I suggest listening to that episode before continuing with this one. Just go to johncertalic.com/215. Today’s episode, #216, continues with the theme of how understanding our past helps us understand our present when we see how God began shaping us early on to find joy in being the person he created us to be.

Before we get into this I need to tell you that Carol, our announcer and executive director on vacation this week. Filling in for her is the latest addition to our staff, our chaplain and family cat, Father Patrick O’Malley. You’ll see his picture at the top of our show notes for today’s episode.

Picking up where we left off in the previous episode We left off episode 215 with the end of a conversation I had with my mother in the early 1990s about wanting to track down my birth father. The only information she had on him was that Jack Byrd, a truck driver, lived in Fort Wayne, Indiana in 1948.

I’ll continue now reading from edited excerpts from my book, THEM that describe what I did next.

At the time of this talk with my mother, our son and daughter were attending Grace College in Winona Lake, Indiana, about forty miles from Fort Wayne. I learned through my genealogy class that Fort Wayne has one of the best genealogy libraries in the country.

Planning a trip to discover more about my past I thought I would extend one of our weekend trips to visit our kids by driving to Fort Wayne to try locating this Jack Byrd. But without the Internet, and certainly without Google, I didn’t have a lot to go on. Just his name, and a seemingly common one at that, his occupation, and where he lived 43 years ago.

Before going to Fort Wayne, I started some research from home using directory assistance. (My apologies here to the thirty and younger crowd. Ask your parents or grandparents about “directory assistance.”) I called the Fort Wayne area code, asking for the phone number of any Jack Byrd, of which there were three. Each with different middle names or initials. So I called my mother and asked her if she remembered his middle name, and she did —it was Edward. Jack Edward Byrd.

Then I called the only Jack E. Byrd listed with directory assistance and found out he wasn’t the Byrd I was looking for. This Jack Byrd told me the following, “Back in the 1950s, I used to get mistaken for him all the time. Bill collectors and other people kept calling me, thinking I was the other Jack E. Byrd. It was quite annoying. Sorry I can’t help you out, but good luck in finding him.”

A second dead-end in search for my birth father Starting this search process surprised me; something I had ignored for thirty years had developed into a sense of urgency to locate my birth father. It created an adrenaline rush in me that lasted for about six months. In the genealogy class I learned of services that track down birth parents for adopted children. So I contacted one and paid twenty- five dollars for them to try locating Jack Edward Byrd. They came up with nothing. They’re not trying hard enough, I thought.

Undeterred by this dead end, Janet and I decided to visit our college kids over their homecoming weekend in October of 1991. We drove down on a Thursday evening. Then on Friday, while Janet spent time with our daughter Jennifer and our son Michael in Winona Lake, I drove over to Fort Wayne. I wanted to use what I had been learning in my genealogy class to try locating this mystery man in my life.

My first stop was the Allen County Public Library in Fort Wayne, where I camped out in the Genealogical Department. Looking through every source I could think of, I documented my research as I used to do when I wrote term papers in college. Using one bit of information to lead to another energized me. I started looking through obituary notices from the Fort Wayne newspaper. I found nothing there. I had to move on to something different, and to do it quickly, for I was due back in Winona Lake the same evening to attend homecoming activities with our kids.

Looking for keys to my past at the library and courthouse Checking out city directories, I found listings for Jack E. Byrd from 1946 to 1955. His employers indicated several trucking firms he worked for during this period. He disappeared after that. I looked for current listings of these same trucking companies, but they did not exist anymore. Had they still been in business, maybe an old-timer there would have remembered my birth father. Time was running out and I still hadn’t gotten the information I needed. Maybe I’ll have to come back and visit the addresses where he lived in the early 1950s to see if any of the neighbors were there at the time, and if so, ask if they knew his whereabouts.

With nowhere else to look in the Genealogical Department of the Allen County Library, and with time moving quickly, I went across the street to the Allen County Courthouse. It was there I found a treasure trove of information I needed. Room 201 houses the marriage and divorce records, so I started there. I was surprised, yet not surprised at what I found.

It’s amazing what information you can find on a marriage license. I discovered Jack Edward Byrd was born on April 4, 1922. This April 4th date is a very significant date in my own history, which I will get to later.

Back to the story. Jack Byrd married a woman named Helen Jane Williamson in 1940. I was pretty sure this was my Jack Edward Byrd because it showed his occupation as a truck driver living in the area. This marriage was his first of six, five of which ended in divorce. One ended with the death of his last wife.

My birth father’s other family At the time of my birth in February 1949 he was on wife number three and had four children from these marriages. Then there was me. I was conceived the same month his fourth child was born. So he was right in telling my mother when she announced her pregnancy to him that he had another family in Indiana and couldn’t support the two of us and his Indiana family at the same time.

I certainly had no illusions my birth father was the epitome of virtue or that Focus on the Family was going to be contacting him anytime soon to present a lifetime achievement award. He was married three more times after I was born. On several of the wedding licenses, I noticed he either lied to whomever recorded the information, or there was a misprint.

The clock was ticking ever faster as I read through all this data. I wrote down names and any possible contact information from documents I discovered that I could later follow up on when I got home. Once I had gotten all there was to get in room 201, I then checked for civil and probate records, but I wasn’t very thorough because their indexing system was hard to figure out and there wasn’t time to learn it.

I still had about an hour left to do whatever research I could. There was more I could check, but it might have to wait for another trip to Fort Wayne. But the adrenaline was flowing and I wanted to use every minute left.

One final push to gather information about my past So I went across the street from the courthouse to the city/ county building to look for records there. Nothing turned up for Jack E. Byrd, but I did find a few records for his son Timothy Kevin Byrd. First a property deed from 1990, then divorce papers from his wife. I wrote down any names and contact information I could follow up on later.

With lots of paper filled with my notes, I headed back to Winona Lake for the evening activities with our son and daughter. I had spent the day using what I learned in the genealogy class, as well as what I learned from a summer job when I was a teacher. I worked for an insurance investigation firm where I checked court documents, looking for criminal records and civil actions. Added to this were the skills I developed as a headhunter, where I used one

bit of information to lead to another. All of this experience came into play in searching for Jack Edward Byrd. I think I was enjoying this process more than I should have. It gave me a sense of control and power over what had rendered me powerless for so many years.

Once we were back home in Milwaukee after my foray into the secrets of the Allen County Courthouse, I organized the notes I had taken and began mapping out a plan to locate Jack E. Byrd.

Making phone calls to discover more of my past Using directory assistance, I started calling Jack E. Byrd’s ex-wives and children, whose names I had found on marriage and divorce records. Several of them were easily located; others I could not find. The ones I could locate were scattered around various communities in Indiana. Unlike their husband

and father, they didn’t stray far from their Hoosier roots. He, on the other hand, as I discovered, strayed as geographically as he did in his marital relationships, ending up in various cities in Alabama and Florida.

In calling the contacts I located, I didn’t want this skeleton in their family closets to come falling down on them, fracturing something in them like it did me. I didn’t want to open a can of worms for them. I didn’t want to let the cat out of the bag. I didn’t want to use other clichés for this very important process to me. I had to be honest, yet not reveal too much that would arouse suspicion.

So when I called, I would introduce myself and simply say, “I am doing research into my family history and as part of the search, I’m trying to locate a Jack Edward Byrd, someone I think I may be related to. Do you know if he’s still alive and if so, what his phone number is?”

One bit of information leads to another piece of my past No one ever questioned my motives. No one ever asked how I might be related. No one ever asked, “Well, if you think you’re related to Jack Byrd, do you think maybe you might be related to me, too?” If they had, I probably would have just hung up the phone without answering. I’ve learned not every question people ask needs to be answered. I’ve also learned on the rare occasion when people ask me a question that makes me feel uncomfortable, it helps to ask a question in return, “Why do you ask?”

One particular ex-wife I contacted, a woman living in Rensselaer, Indiana, was most helpful. She had lost track of her ex a number of years ago, but she had a lot of names and phone numbers of family members who might know the whereabouts of one Jack E. Byrd. She did think he was still alive. I spent many evenings calling these leads and asking each of them for additional leads. Lots of phone calls, but no success. That was okay, though, because I was doing something. I could do, rather than feel. Doing something gave me a measure of control. It quieted the “you never should have been born; it’s not how people are supposed to come into the world” voices.

One night, while going through my notes from my research in Fort Wayne, I found notes I had scribbled down from the divorce papers of one of Jack Byrd’s sons, Timothy Kevin Byrd. I should mention that in my search, I was always asking for leads to any of Jack Byrd’s children, thinking they would likely know how to reach their father, if in fact, he was still alive.

An attorney gives me a clue to help discover my past For some unexplainable reason, when I was at the courthouse, I also wrote down the name of the attorney and law firm that handled the divorce for Timothy Kevin Byrd, which took place in the 1980s.

The next day, I called the law firm of that attorney and asked to speak to him. Relieved he was still with them, I explained I was doing some family history research and noticed in some court documents he represented Timothy Kevin Byrd’s divorce.

“He is someone I may be related to and I’d like to talk to him. Do you know how I can reach him?”

“Well, if I did, I couldn’t tell you—attorney-client privilege and all that. I do remember him, though, and by the way, he goes by Kevin Byrd. I haven’t talked to him in years, but the last I heard, he had moved to Ohio.”

That explained why I couldn’t locate him through directory assistance in the (219) area code in Indiana. In those days, there was no nationwide directory assistance—you had to make a request for a person in a specific city, or at the very least, in a specific area code.

“What about his wife, his ex-wife? Do you know how I can reach her?”

“Hmm. I think she still lives in the Fort Wayne area,” he replied.

This is sure awkward I had her name from the divorce records so I called directory assistance in Fort Wayne, got her phone number, and then waited a few days before calling. I sensed this call was going to finally lead to where I wanted to go. It felt like I was closing in on a hunt I did not want to end. It was like coming to the end of a good book you didn’t want to finish because the pleasure of reading it would also come to an end. That’s why I waited before I called.

More nervous than in any of my previous calls, when Kevin Byrd’s ex-wife answered the phone I said, “Hi, you don’t know me, but my name is John Certalic. I’m doing research into my family history and as part of this, I’m trying to locate a Jack Edward Byrd, someone I think I may be related to. I understand you used to be married to one of his sons, Kevin. Is that correct?”

Then silence. And more silence.

Finally, with a nervous, halting voice, she replied, “Yes, that’s correct.”

“I’m wondering if I can ask you a few questions about Jack Byrd.”

Silence once again on the other end of the line. After a very long pause, she said, “Can you call me back tomorrow?”

With her voice cracking, it sounded like she was starting to hyperventilate. “I was married to Kevin for only a year and your call has just opened up a lot of very painful wounds and memories.”

Opening up painful wounds in another’s past “Oh, of course I can call back. I am so sorry. It was not my intent to do this to you. I am so sorry.”

“Call tomorrow. I just need some time to think about this and see if I can talk about it. It was all so terrible.”

“I understand, and I apologize for the pain I’ve caused you.”

“Okay.”

Click.

Yikes! What had I done to the poor woman? Some stranger calls her out of the blue and wants to bring up a very painful part of her past. I felt terrible. So I waited several days before calling back.

“Hi, this is John Certalic again, I spoke to you a few days ago.”

“Yes, I remember. I’m sorry I cut you off, but that period in my life was so awful. It was a very abusive marriage. But you asked about Kevin’s father, Jack. He and Kevin were very similar. Angry, abusive men. Jack was very tall. His face was pock-marked, probably from acne as a kid years ago.”

“Is he still alive?’

“I don’t know. It’s been many years since I last saw him.”

“Do you know where he might be living now?”

“No.”

“How about your ex-husband, Kevin? Do you know how I can reach him?”

“I don’t have a phone number for him. The last I heard, he was living in Columbus, Ohio.”

“Well, thank you so much. You’ve been very helpful to me. And again, I am sorry for reminding you of a painful part of your past.”

“That’s okay.”

“Goodbye.”

Another clue to discovering my past It was becoming clear to me that perhaps the path to Jack Byrd was through his son Kevin. So I called directory assistance in Columbus, Ohio, and found no listing for him.

Another roadblock. What do I do next?

I went back to my notes and after looking through them, decided to re-contact Jack Byrd’s ex-wives to see if they knew how I could reach the son, Kevin Byrd. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of that before.

One of the ex-wives said, “Oh, Kevin. Yes, he is living in Columbus, Ohio now. I think I do have his phone number. Let me see, now. Where did I put it?”

Oh, please, dear God. Let her find the number.

“Yes, here it is. His phone number is ....”

Now we were getting somewhere. Another lead, a good lead, to

follow up. The adrenaline was flowing again. I now knew how to reach the closest relative yet to my birth father. But I was getting more nervous about blowing my cover. What if he was more inquisitive than all the others? What if he wanted to know how I thought I might be related to his father? I needed to be honest, yet I wanted to respect everyone’s privacy. I didn’t want a repeat of what had happened with the call to his ex-wife.

It was getting a bit tense. A week went by before I summoned the courage to call the son of my biological father. My half-brother, Kevin Byrd. Same father. Different mothers. It occurred to me then that all of my siblings are half-brothers or half-sisters—the four I grew up with, and the many others I had never met. Nothing in me seemed whole.

Everything was half-this, half-that Everything was half. I was half-happy. Half-depressed. Nothing was full as it should be. I was not even fully adopted, for I had been raised by half of my birth parents, and adopted by the other half. This sometimes depressed me,

too. If both my birth parents had abandoned me, maybe I would have had more reason to be depressed all the time as a kid and young adult.

Nothing was normal. That’s how it felt during my search.

Not long ago, though, I found some healing from this at a wedding for one of my nieces. I don’t remember how we got on the subject but my brother Joe, who I grew up with, looked at one of my sisters and me, and shaking his head in disbelief, said, “I NEVER considered John my half-brother. He was always just my brother. Never just a half-brother.” What wonderful healing words those were to me.

The final clue The search for my birth father, rather than depressing me, energized me. The next thing to do was to call his son, Kevin Byrd. After staring at the phone one evening, and picking it up and setting it down once or twice, I finally dialed his number.

“Hello, you don’t know me, but my name is John Certalic. I’m doing some research into my family history and as part of this, I’m trying to locate a Jack Edward Byrd, and I understand you are his son. Am I correct?”

“Yes, I’m his son.”

“Great. Is he still alive?”

“Yes, he is, last time I checked.”

“Do you know where he is living now and how I can reach him?”

“Dad is living outside of Mobile, Alabama. He moved down there when he retired. He got tired of winters in the Midwest. I’ve got his phone number right here; I just talked to him a few days ago. Here’s his number... Oh, and when you call, let the phone ring for a long time. He’s hard of hearing now and it will take him a while to get to the phone.”

“Thanks. I appreciate your help. Goodbye.”

Now what?

More to come in the next episode We need to stop here because I know you have other things to do with your day. But we’ll pick up and hopefully finish this story in our next episode, #217 in two weeks. I think you’ll be interested in hearing what happened when I actually called Jack Byrd and what he had to say to me.

For now, though, I want to remind you of the theme of this little chapter of my past, namely that understanding our past and where we’ve come from helps us understand our present when we see how God began shaping us early on to find joy in being the person he created us to be.

It’s a theme that can be part of your story as well. For me, I certainly didn’t find any joy at the time in being the person God created me to be. That realization took time. But looking back now, I can see things more clearly.

The April 4ths connections Here’s just one example, the whole April 4th thing that I mentioned earlier. In my search for Jack Byrd, I discovered his birthday is April 4th. That day is also the day I found Jesus in 1968, which is my spiritual birthday. It’s also the same day Martin Luther King was assassinated. He transitioned out of this world into a new life the same day I entered a new life.

And then the same thing happened to one of the dearest people in my life, My mother-in-law, Elda Millane, when she died at age 96 on April 4th, 2020. She had been suffering from Alzheimer’s for at least the previous 12 years. It was both a sad and joyous occasion. And it’s the subject of episode 059, “The Last Place You Would Ever Think to Find Joy.” I’ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes. It’s really one of my favorites. I hope you listen to it someday.

Thinking about all these connections to April 4th just gives me chills and draws me to the love of God.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to think about how God has been shaping you, even from an early age, to be the person he’s created to be. And to find a measure of joy in that reality.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 021: The Most Important Relationship of All

059: The Last Place You Would Ever Think to Find Joy

029: An Adoption Relationship Story- Part 1

030: An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 2

Most prior recent episode 215: Searching For My Birth Father

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

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One of the more popular topics from past episodes has been the story of Gail Rohde who was adopted as an infant, and her search as an adult for her birth mother. Then several years after finding her, she searched for her birth father - and found him, too. I’ll have links to those episodes at the bottom of the show notes.

It can be a relational minefield in dealing with the dynamics of adoptees wanting to know where they’ve come from, especially when it’s been hidden from them.

I have a similar story about searching for my birth father that I wrote about in my book, THEM. Today’s episode is about that search.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach. I'm here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

An invitation from a friend One day my retired friend Bill told me he was starting to get interested in his family history. He wanted to learn more about where he came from and then pass this information down to his children and grandchildren. To help with this, Bill decided to attend a meeting of the Milwaukee Genealogical Society at the main library downtown. And he wanted to know if I would like to come with him.

I wanted to know where I came from, too, particularly as it related to my birth father, the man who brought me into this world in a one-night stand with my mother. The man who abandoned us and who made life very difficult for my farm-girl mother from Staples, Minnesota. The man who was having a greater and greater unwelcome influence in my life, though we had never met. Discovering who he was might help me discover who I was.

So with all this in mind, I decided to go with Bill. We went to the first meeting and both of us became hooked on discovering our roots. This was in the early 1990s, before the Internet was widely available. So playing family detective and historian was a bit more challenging than it is today.

Wondering about my birth father From the time my mother first told me I was born out of wedlock and later adopted by my father, I wondered a lot about who my biological father was. And a lot about who I was. I always felt different as a kid. I was taller than my siblings, and as a teenager, was much taller than my parents. Maybe the circumstances surrounding my birth explained why I was depressed much of the time growing up.

“How you came into the world is not how it’s done. You never should have been born” was a feeling that kept repeating itself over and over again in my soul, like a song on a damaged CD that skips because of a scratched track. Maybe if I knew more about my birth father and where I came from, I would be less depressed.

Long before attending the Milwaukee Genealogical Society meetings with Bill, I began the search for the mystery man from my past. One morning, when I was twenty years old and home from college, I sat at the kitchen table of our small house, just with my mother and father, as my brother and sisters were in school. Fighting back my fear of not knowing what would happen next, I summoned all the courage I could muster to continue the conversation my mother started with me ten years earlier.

Picking up a conversation from ten years ago “Mom, do you remember when I was about ten and you told me Dad was not my natural father? I was wondering whatever happened to my…”

With that, my father quickly jumped up from the table, forcefully cutting me off and pounding his fist on the kitchen table next to his coffee cup, blurting out, “He was a truck driver and was killed in an accident. That’s all we’re ever going to talk about this!”

Something inside told me he was not telling the truth as he stormed out of the room.

For the next twenty years, I wondered about that conversation. Especially around the time of my birthday. I could never enjoy my birthday, for it would once again bring up the “how you came into the world is not how it’s done; you never should have been born” theme from the basement of my heart. It would start a cycle of depression that would last for several days. I felt like crawling in a hole and just sleeping until the depression lifted, as it always did with time.

Wanting to be like everyone else I felt so different from the rest of the world. Why can’t I be just like everyone else? Yet part of me was glad I was not like everyone else. But that part, the missing legitimacy to my birth part, was where I wanted to be like everyone else. The mystery about my origins troubled me deeply.

I read with rapt attention newspaper articles about people reuniting with their birth parents. I intently watched TV shows and movies about children discovering as adults siblings they never knew they had. There’d be scenes in the airport with middle-aged people hugging their newly found brothers and sisters as they got off the plane. Maybe there’s someone out there like that for me. Maybe my biological father had always wondered about me and was trying to track me down.

In the genealogy classes Bill and I attended, we learned how to find valuable information from public records, like birth certificates filed in courthouses. The copy of my birth certificate shows my last name is Certalic and my father is Harry Certalic. Nothing unusual about this, except if I had been adopted by Harry Certalic, why did his name appear on my birth certificate? My mother told me they married a year and a half after I was born and that he didn’t adopt me until I was five. Were my parents lying to me? It made me angry to think about it. What are they not telling me? Why can’t people tell me the truth?

A courthouse cover-up Things became a bit clearer when I went to our local courthouse to see what they had on me. There I found a large ledger book where births in Milwaukee County were recorded in chronological order. I went to the day I was born and looked for my name with the other births recorded for the day. There was my name, and everything appeared in order, except for one entry—my last name. It clearly showed my last name, “Certalic,” but under the ink appeared some form of White-Out, covering over what had originally been entered. It was obvious someone had erased what was recorded as my surname, and then wrote “Certalic” over the erasure. What is this cover-up all about?

I learned through the genealogy class that in Wisconsin, as in many states, when a child is adopted, its original birth certificate is impounded and a new one issued with the name of the adopted parent(s) shown. So that explains why my official birth certificate looks normal, but the ledger book at the courthouse has the erasure. All this to protect the confidentiality of the birth parent(s). While I’m all for confidentiality in most areas of life, what about the right of children to know who brought them into the world?

Who really, then, was my birth father? What name was covered over on the court ledger? What did my original birth certificate look like? As I neared my 40th birthday, I became more and more agitated and depressed about the whole thing. Janet kept encouraging me to talk to my mother to get more information. The last conversation I had on the topic hadn’t gone very well, so I was not anxious to open a can of worms with her again.

Finishing a conversation from twenty years ago One Sunday afternoon while visiting my parents, I summoned the courage to try finishing the conversation of twenty years ago about my origins. It was an attempt to finish the conversation begun ten years before.

I had been dealing with this whole thing for thirty years, and not dealing with it well. The voices whispering in my heart, “How you came into the world is not how it’s done; you never should have been born,” grew louder and more frequent.

By now, my father had suffered a paralyzing stroke several years after retiring from his factory job. Because of his stroke, he spent most of his time in a wheelchair watching TV. So with him in the living room, and my mother in the kitchen out of earshot, I continued my conversation with my mom from twenty years ago. In the same room, the same conversation.

My mother finally answered my question “Mom, do you remember when I was ten and you told me Dad was not my real father? Who was my natural father?”

She told me some of what she had said before at that time, that he was a truck driver living in Indiana who would deliver empty beer cans to the breweries in town.

“Did he support us?”

“No, when I asked for money to help us, he said he couldn’t because he had a family of his own in Indiana he had to support.”

With a tight grimace in her face and shoulders hunched up, she continued, “And that’s the last I ever talked to him, that [expletive].”

“What's his name?”

“Jack Byrd.

“Where in Indiana did he live?

“Fort Wayne.”

“I want to try and track him down, Mom. Do you want to know what I find out?”

“No.”

____________________

You’re probably done walking your dog or washing dishes by now, so we’ll need to stop. But in our next episode I’ll share how I finally tracked down my birth father and what happened the day I met him.

Most importantly I’ll explain what I learned from this process.

Closing As we close for today, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to think about your origins. To ask your parents questions, if they are still around.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 029: An Adoption Relationship Story- Part 1

030: An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 2

124: Resting In Our Identity Frees Us to Love Well

Prior recent episode 214: People Are Like Houses

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

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A listener once suggested that for a podcast episode I should read from the book I wrote in 2016, THEM- The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. It’s about relationships, which of course, is what this podcast is about. But I don’t know if reading from it would interest many of you. Maybe the first chapter might, I don’t know. It’s about how people are like houses when it comes to deepening our relationships with others.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

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The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others My book THEM has never sold well. Many of them sit on a shelf in our basement to prove it. Two of my relatives I know bought the book, and I offered it to the rest of the extended family as Christmas gifts after it came out. But no one wanted a free and signed copy. I was going to pay the postage, too. Yeah, that was my Charley Brown Christmas alright.

But I did get an award and a cash prize for the book. Writers Digest named it the “Best Inspirational Book of 2016.” However, there wasn’t much competition for inspiration in 2016. It was a lean year in the inspiration department, as you may recall.

Nevertheless, I’m going to take a chance and read from selected portions of chapter one of the book that I think you’ll enjoy hearing, and maybe even find inspiring. It’s about a useful principle that could help you in deepening the relationships in your life. It’s called, “People Are Like Houses.”

People are like houses I’ll begin with this. Every house has multiple openings. All kinds of openings— windows, doors, chimneys, even clothes-dryer vents. Openings to bring the outside in, or openings to let the inside out.

When you walk past some houses, the resident of the house will see you from inside through a window, open the door and come bounding out to greet you.

“Why don’t you come in and I’ll get you something to drink. Please stay a while so we can chat and get caught up with each other’s lives. I’ve been thinking about you. I have so much to tell you since we last met. It is so good to see you.”

This is how some people respond when we walk past their houses. Such people are wide-open houses with openings that invite you in. They are easy people to engage with—the low-hanging fruit of relationships. It doesn’t take a lot of work to relate with people like this. Me, I get along great with children and older ladies because they are houses with relational openings I can easily pick out. Younger than eight and older than eighty is my sweet spot. With everyone in between, not so much.

Other people are houses with fewer openings. Walk past someone’s house like this and when she sees you from her front window, she closes the drapes, pulls the blinds, and turns off the lights. If you go to her front door and ring the doorbell, she’ll pretend she’s not home and leave you standing there like a rebuffed Jehovah’s Witness.

Closed openings to this house A number of years ago, the elders from a church in our area called me into a meeting to ask me how they could better care for their pastor, who was going through a rough time. Their question showed me they didn’t know him very well. The better we know someone, the easier it is to care for them.

I responded to their question with, “I think you need to get to know him better.”

“We’ve tried, but it’s hard because he plays it close to the vest. He doesn’t let anyone in,” replied one of the elders.”

His house is full of closed doors and covered windows. The opening to his house is hard to find, but if you work at it long and hard enough, you’ll find it.

“Maybe he plays it close to the vest because he’s been hurt in the past with being more open, and he doesn’t want to be hurt again. Maybe he plays it close to the vest because he doesn’t trust you.”

A few heads nodded, but that’s as far as it went. Some people have closed houses like this. I’m like this myself at times. I play it close to the vest when I don’t trust people either. I close the openings to my house to protect myself, which Christian psychologist Larry Crabb calls the most common sin of us all—self-protection.

Delayed openings Other people have houses whose openings will close up at first, but who wait to see if you come back, and then if the stars are properly aligned, and they’ve finished watching Dancing with the Stars, will crack open the door and whisper to you, “Now is not a good time, maybe next week. I’m not feeling well right now.” So you leave with a small opening for the future, a little hope.

Still other people, when they see you come by, will call out from the window, “I’d really like to talk, but the baby is napping, and my husband thinks I spend too much time with my girlfriends, so could you please come back tomorrow? Come at night, though, and come to the back door. I really need to talk to you.”

Different houses, different openings Get the picture? People are like houses with many different openings. Some are wide open, and others closed shut like a lake cottage in the dead of winter. The frustrating thing for me is that I often want to enter a person’s relational house through the opening I want, through an easy opening like the front door. I don’t want to have to come back again and again, or wait until spring. And I don’t want to go to the back door at night. Nor do I want to talk through the screen of the kitchen window, or get on the ground and whisper through the basement window.

But the fact is, if I want to relate well with someone, I have to go with the opening that person gives me, not the one I want. This principle is especially true in caring for others. We can’t care well for people if we don’t know them very well. To care well means at times we have to pursue people and look for openings to get to know a person at a heart level. It’s not always easy, for some people have closed up many of the openings to their house. We can’t give up, though. It’s important that we work at it. For in the end, it’s always worth it.

The openings children give us These grandsons of ours have also taught me much about how people, even children, are like houses. They open themselves up to us when they want in ways they want—not at the time or manner I prefer.

On the occasions Janet and I have picked them up from school because their parents were away, I’ve wanted to understand how their day went. What did

they learn in kindergarten today? What is going on in their little hearts. I want to know because I love them deeply and want to enter into their world. When I try to get into their “house,” they are often very closed. They pull the blinds and turn off the lights with their favorite response, “It’s classified.”

It’s classified? Please, don’t they know who I am? I’ve changed their diapers, which should entitle me to more than, “It’s classified, Grandpa.” They closed one of the openings to their house I was trying to enter.

I wondered if there is another opening they would give me. There was.

I discovered the opening one night when Janet and I were babysitting and it came time to put them to bed. They got their pajamas on, brushed their teeth, and crawled into bed. I then read them a book.

“Can you read another one? Please? Oh please!”

“I need a glass of water.”

“Where’s my Star Wars guy? I have to look for it. I can’t go to sleep without it! Really, I won’t fall asleep without it!”

Typical bed-time stall routines. I’ve been through all of this many times, but then one night, Grant, firmly tucked in bed with the covers up to his chin, pulled out from his arsenal of sleep-delaying tactics, this question

“Grandpa, are you going to die?”

I didn’t see this one coming Has someone been talking to this boy? Does he know something I don’t know?

Ironically, his question came eerily close to the question too frightening for all of our family just six years earlier, “Is Grant going to die?” More about that later.

As I sat down on Grant’s bed and looked into his eyes, I could tell he had moved from stalling at bedtime, to a deep metaphysical issue people have pondered for centuries. I was not prepared for his question, nor for such an opportunity to see into his heart. Grant was giving me an opening to his house, and I wanted to take advantage of it. I can’t afford to miss this one, I thought, even though it came at night when I am least alert. But there he was, opening his house to me in a way that worked for him.

As I sat on the bed, I told him, “Yes, I will die someday, but it most likely wouldn’t happen for a very long time.” I went on to tell him that when I did die, I would go to heaven to be with Jesus, where I would wait for him—to join me many years later. I told Grant we have nothing to worry about when it comes to dying if we know Jesus. For if we know Jesus, we will spend forever with Him and with all the other people who know Him.

Grateful for this opening I was invited into A smile broke out on his small lips that told me he was okay with my answer. He could now call it a day because his question about the destiny of humanity was settled and he could move on. He was comforted, as was I.

“Good night, Grant. I love you.” “I love you, too, Grandpa.”

I turned out his light, thankful for the opening he had given me to his house, to his heart. We connected at an unwelcome, unexpected time for me. I found with our grandkids some of the most significant conversations I’ve had with them happened at night sitting on their bed, because it is when it is most comfortable for them. It’s when they were the most reflective. I have to be on guard, to be aware, so I can take advantage of the openings they give me.

Well there you have it, the “People Are Like Houses” principle from chapter one of my book, THEM. In addition to the two examples of this principle I’ve shared here, there are three more stories like it in chapter one of the book. But we’ve run out of time for today, as you’ve probably finished with folding laundry or picking up the kids from school.

I’ll leave you with two thoughts. I wonder if people you want to understand better are giving you “openings to their house” that you might be missing.

And secondly, are you making it harder on people to relate to you because many of the openings to your house are closed? Are your drapes closed and your porch light turned off? It might be worth the risk to switch the lights on and open a window are two.

Closing As we close up shop for today, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to look a little more closely at the openings people may be giving you into their house.

Because when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. Don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Prior recent episode 213: Five Things to Watch for in Your Next Conversation

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

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One thing on my mind lately is a question about the meaningful conversations we sometimes have with friends, and what makes them different from other conversations. I started thinking about this while reading news articles about the Super Bowl played earlier this month.

Meaningful conversations and the Super Bowl don’t quite seem to fit together, but they do in my mind. Keep listening and I’ll explain the connection in today’s episode, number 213.

Welcome to today’s episode Maybe they’ve always done this, I don’t know, but it seems that sports journalists lately are using a new format to write about upcoming sporting events. It’s a pattern where the headline states a specific number of things to look for when one team plays another.

Take the recent Super Bowl from a few weeks ago, for example. “Five things to Watch for When the 49ers take on the Kansas City Chiefs” would be a common headline in news stories. Articles like this help the reader focus on specifics of the game coming up.

This makes me think what if we took the same news approach to analyze the conversations we have with the people close to us. I wonder what that would do to enhance our relationships. Would it make for more meaningful conversations with the people close to us?

I’m going to try this out in today’s episode I’m calling Five Things to Watch for in Your Next Conversation with a Friend

Here goes. First off,

Notice if the topic of conversation with your friend is new or is it one that’s been repeated many times before? Assuming neither of you are suffering from Alzheimer’s, do you or your friend frequently cover the same ground you’ve gone over many times before? For example, does the topic of conversation drift once again to discussing your body’s aches and pains? My friend Robert calls these “organ recitals.” Or does it go to concern about wayward children? The state of our country or culture? Should I buy brown carpeting or grey carpeting? Things you’ve talked about many, many times before.

Why are some conversations with our friends like this? Is there nothing else on our minds? Are we that shallow?

I don’t think so.

My guess is that people who bring up the same topics over and over again are bound up by the unspoken emotions about those topics. No. 1 on the list would be fear, or one of its cousins, like anxiety. Sadness or regret would not be far behind. They are all close relatives.

We sometimes ruminate over things because we haven’t put words to what we’re feeling about those concerns. Instead, what if we talked about the emotions riding on the backs of the topics we repeatedly bring up and see where the conversation goes? It will be a lot better than going in a never-ending circle we often go around in.

A second thing to look for that’s important to having meaningful conversations is to notice who does most of the talking.

Notice who does most of the talking There are certainly times where a conversation with a friend needs to be all about them. One person should have the floor for the entire time when they are dealing with a recent loss or some unexpected circumstance. But it shouldn’t be a pattern every time you talk.

I have an extended family relative who is quite a charming extrovert that I only see at extended family gatherings like weddings and funerals. Everyone likes the guy. He holds court with all the relatives and goes on for what seems like hours talking about what’s going on in his life. We know all about him. He knows virtually nothing about the rest of us.

There’s no air time for a meaningful conversation with him. It’s always an interesting monologue from his lips, but there’s no back and forth dialog.

You see the same thing in restaurants sometimes with small groups of people. One person dominates the conversation. And it’s usually someone who talks loudly so you can’t help but overhear what he or she is talking about.

Many times If you look at the faces of those not talking in the group you’ll see blank stares.

In most meaningful conversations people take turns talking and listening. Some may talk more than others, but do they also listen at some point in the conversation? Is there give and take, or is one person giving a speech to an audience?

Here’s another thing to watch for in a conversation with friends.

Is the conversation more about the head or is it more about the heart? Conversations about facts or events, or little things running around inside our brain, can be very meaningful. I’ve had quite a number of them in my lifetime that center on what I think as opposed to what feel. I think of the conversation I had in my twenties with Vern who was twice my age, and the time I asked him what he thought about a career change I was considering. His simple, “I think you’d be good at that” changed my life.

Then there are the conversations about the heart. For example, there are two topics on the hearts of most Baby Boomers like me that don’t get talked about much. The first is Who’s going to take care of me in my old age when I can no longer care for myself? Who’s going to be there for me? Single people think it’s more of an issue for them. But it isn’t. It’s on the mind of married couples just as much. Will my spouse be up to the task? And my kids, will I be able to count on them?

Another important heart topic Related to this issue is the second heart topic, Will I run out of money at the end of my life, and if so, what do I do then?

As helpful as conversations can be that come from our heads, those that come from our hearts do a better job of bringing us closer together with each other.

Inasmuch as we have control of a conversation, we do ourselves a favor when we look for and discuss the emotional aspects surrounding the issues of life. Like baby boomers talking about their worries of who’s going to care for me. Who can I trust at the end of my life? Regrets for not saving as much as I could have, or not being able to save anything earlier for my later years.

Here’s another thing to watch for in our conversation with friends.

Be mindful of how many times the topic of conversation changes The more topics brought up in a conversation, the less listening is going on. Talking a little about many things is not nearly as life-giving as talking at length about one subject.

The “Let’s talk about everything” approach hijacks a conversation by using what someone is talking about as a springboard to share one’s own related experience. For example, if Monica talks about the great vacation she had visiting the Grand Canyon, and Alyssa jumps in with “I was there too, about seven years ago with my family. The best part for me on that trip was….” Yeah, that’s not good. We’ve gone from Monica having the floor to Alyssa taking it away from her.

To keep the topics of conversation to a minimum, notice if people are asking questions, especially follow-up questions. This tends to keep interactions focused. It’s all part of good listening and people refraining from sharing every thought that pops into their heads.

Finally, watch for how the conversation ends.

Notice how the conversation ends As a conversation begins to wind down, do you end up wanting more, or are you glad to can move on to other things? Janet and I were at a Bible study recently and during a break in the study, we were in conversation with a friend who brought up a podcast she was listening to from John Eldridge. She was talking about how men and women look at Valentine’s Day differently and how Eldridge had a panel of men sharing their views. She was quite interested in the male perspective and how it compared to her own. But then our break ended and we had to return to the Bible study.

But I wanted to know more. I think every meaningful conversation ends with some form of “I want to know more.”

Boring conversations, however, often end with, “Thank goodness that’s over.”

What to do next So there you have it , five things to watch for in your next conversation with friends. When we get good at noticing the things I’ve mentioned, there are steps we can take to make for more meaningful conversations.

Quickly, here they are:

Don’t bring up something you’ve talked about many times before because you haven’t dealt with the emotions about the issue. Don’t be an airplane circling the airport for hours on end. Land the plane.
Let the other person speak. Don’t be the one who does all the talking. Drop the monologue. Get others engaged. Ask questions. Follow-up questions.
Comment on the feelings connected with the head issues in your interaction. Talk about the emotion. It will make for a more meaningful conversation. What’s on our heart is really important. Don’t ignore it.
Stick to one issue in a conversation as long as possible. Don’t change the subject. Keep the spotlight on the other person. Let them have the floor. They may need to talk more to process what’s on their heart. Stick to one topic. Your turn will come later.
Leave people wanting more. Be intriguing to others. Bring up topics or make statements that engage others. Do what you can to make for a meaningful conversation that others don’t want to see end.

Closing Well that’s about it for today. I have links at the bottom of the show notes to past episodes related to today’s topic. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to watch for the things you can do to create more meaningful conversations with the people close to you.

Because when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

As we wrap things up now, don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 021: The Most Important Relationship of All

067: Self-Monitoring How We Listen

094: Self-Awareness Deepens Our Relationships

115: Become More Self-Aware in 2021

Latest prior episode 212: Little Things We Do Matter the Most to People

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

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The older I get the more I’ve come to appreciate how it’s the little things we do for people that matter most to them. Little things that come naturally for us because of how God uniquely made us,

I’ve got a few stories for you today to illustrate this point. Stories that I hope will inspire you to bless others in ways that are easy and natural for you. But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it.

The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Today’s episode If you’re a regular around here you may recall that our most recent podcast episode, no. 211, was my “Men With Waffles” story. Click here if you missed

A Men’s Breakfast Like No Other. It’s the story of how 5 men who each received a waffle maker for Christmas got together one Saturday morning to make waffles for the guys in our adult Sunday School class.

As part of the breakfast they each wrote down on a large sheet of newsprint one thing they appreciated about their wife. I took photos of the whole event, including individual shots of each guy holding the paper describing what they wrote about their wife. Then I made a slide presentation of the photos and showed it to our Sunday school class the next morning. The ladies loved it.

The photo that evoked the most oohs and ahs was of Allen. It’s the one you see at the top of the show notes for today’s episode.

Little things we say can mean a lot Allen simply wrote, “I appreciate Carol.” As I described in the episode, he was the quietest man in our church. While he was a man of few of words, each one of them counted. I don’t know about you, but I’m drawn to people like this.

While our men with waffles breakfast is so vivid in my mind that it seems like a recent event, it actually took place in March of 2011. So much has happened in the lives of the men at that breakfast since then.

Scott and his wife adopted a child. Randy took a new job that moved him to Pittsburgh. Bill completed his Ph.D. and moved first to California, then to Washington State. Brad finished his Ph.D. and took a job in Kansas, and then later moved to South Dakota for a different job. Gregg retired. Mike also retired and is now caring for his wife who recently suffered a debilitating stroke.

But the biggest change of all happened to Allen. Ten years later.

The day that changed everything On Sunday, March 7th, 2021 Allen went downstairs to the basement of the home where he and his wife Carol lived, together with their 16-year-old quadriplegic granddaughter Haily who is confined to a wheelchair.

It seemed to Carol that Allen had been in the basement doing some little thing for an unusually long time, so she called to him, “Allen?” There was no answer. She called again. Still no answer. So she went downstairs, and there discovered Allen lying on the floor, having suffered a massive fatal heart attack.

The funeral was held at our church, and I remember going up to Carol in the lobby. But before I could say anything, she began recounting to the people standing around here what happened to Allen on that fateful day a week or so before.

Carol was clearly in a state of shock. What is this going to mean to her and Haily, I thought. Will she be able to care for Haily by herself, given all that Allen did so lovingly to care for and raise their granddaughter? It’s what the whole church who knew Allen and Carol were thinking about. We were all in a state of shock.

Little things we do tell you a lot about a person’s character In the months that followed I periodically thought of Allen. I would remember watching him each Sunday morning pulling into a handicap stall in our church parking lot and sliding Haily out the rear ramp of their handicapped-equipped van.

He would push her in her wheelchair into church so quietly and with such ease. It was a little thing he did that mattered so much to Hailey and Carol.

So often when I saw Allen doing this I thought, That is a man who loves well.

I never heard him complain about the toll on him and Carol in caring for Haily.I should be more like him. I complain way too much.

Now I have not heard the story of why Haily’s parents were not raising her, but it didn’t matter. Allen and Carol, as her grandparents, have filled in the gap for what is missing in Haily’s life. And at a great sacrifice.

Fast forward to the breakfast I had with my friend Randy at the end of last year and the waffle he ordered. It reminded me again of Allen and our men with waffles breakfast that I talked about in the last episode.

Seeing Randy’s waffle prompted me to go back and look at the photos of that little event, especially the one of Allen declaring on a large piece of newsprint that he appreciated his wife, Carol. I had thought for a long time after Allen died that I should make a copy of that photo and give it to Carol. I had the file for it sitting on the desktop of my computer for at least a year with good intentions to act on my thought. But with pitiful procrastination for actually doing something about it.

Until just the other day.

A little thing in the mail prompted action I got an email from Walgreens that they were having a sale on photo enlargements. I saw how easy it was to get a print enlargement of a digital photo. So I ordered an 8 x 10 canvas print of Allen wrapped around a 1-inch frame. It’s the photo you see at the top of the show notes. It didn’t cost much at all and it was done in 45 minutes. All I had to do was pick it up at the Walgreen's only a few miles away.

A few days later I put it in a small gift bag and took it over to Carol and Haily’s house. I was a little apprehensive because I thought what if they moved and someone else is living in at the address I had for them? I didn’t want to call or email, so I took a chance and drove it over there.

Once I got to the house I recognized the van Allen used to take Haily places, which made my concern evaporate.

Nobody's home I rang the front doorbell, but there was no answer, so I went to the side of the house along the driveway looking for another door. At the back of the house I found a door that had a ramp attached to it, which I assumed was where they got Haily into and out of the house. I couldn’t get to the door because the ramp was up about 3 feet off the ground, so I placed the gift bag with the photo on the ramp. It seemed safe to leave it there, as there was no rain or snow in the forecast and surely Carol would find it. So I left.

But then on the way home, I wondered if she would find it. What if she and Haily were out of town? Maybe I should call or email Carol. I tried both, but there was no answer to my call, and I had the wrong email address. This is nuts, I thought. Just let it go. She’ll find it. Move on to the other things you’ve got going.

You never know how the little things we do will bless others The next day I received a message at 1:35 pm through our podcast website

from Carol. She gave me permission to share it with you. The subject line read “A Thankful Heart,” and the body of her message reads as follows:

Just want to tell you how much you blessed me by such a wonderful act of kindness that the Lord knew I much needed. It has been hard lately, getting older alone and taking care of Hailey alone and trying so hard to be what God would want me to be for such a time as this.

I opened it and sat and cried, but they were good tears. Dale called (that’s one of her kids) and soon we were both crying - thank you so much for remembering myself and Allen. I miss him more than words could convey, he was such a good man. He is missed each and every day.

That wonderful picture will be on my fireplace forever. I was going to call you, but it is hard to talk with the tears that keep coming. It will be 3 years on March 7th, but feels like so long and yet just yesterday. I can't wait to see him again. l pray the Lord bless you both as you have blessed me.~ God bless you, love Carol and Hailey

Then a few hours later on my way out the door for an appointment, Carol called to thank me verbally for the print of Allen. She was a little choked up and through her tears told me again how much she appreciated what I did.

How neighbors remember Allen Her grief was palpable as she told me several stories from neighbors about the impact Allen had on them. One was from a woman who couldn’t get her snowblower started, and when Allen noticed it he offered to fix it. He went and got the needed parts to get it up and running. After he fixed it she offered to pay him, but Allen wouldn’t accept any money.

Another time Allen noticed a neighbor was having a hard time straightening up a small wall that had fallen in his backyard. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” the neighbor said. But Allen did. So he spent the better part of a day helping the man with his problem, and again he wouldn’t accept any payment for his troubles.

“I like helping people,” Allen told the neighbor.

These two stories are just samples of how Allen blessed others. What were little things to him, these acts of service that came naturally for him, were things that greatly impacted people. Things they were willing to pay for.

I mentioned to Carol that the thing that struck me the most in her message to me was when she said he was such a good man. He is missed each and every day.

Allen and Joseph, father of Jesus I said that her phrase “he was such a good man” is the way Matthew, the Gospel writer, describes Joseph, the early father of Jesus. He was a good man too. And Joseph was quiet, also. Just like Allen. He was a behind-the-scenes kind of guy, just like Allen. They were both cut from the same cloth.

One of my all-time favorite episodes of this podcast is one I did a few years ago at Christmas, number 135 entitled Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy. It’s about Joseph, and now that I know more about Allen, it’s about men like him, too. I’ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes.

What I learned This episode about Allen has taught me a few things. Here are some of them:

It doesn’t take much to bless others. We underestimate the power of little things to make an impact in people’s lives.
Good intentions don’t mean anything unless they result in good actions.
There are good men out there like Allen. We just have to be observant to notice and appreciate them
We can all be like Allen. Probably not in repairing snowblowers or fixing a fallen wall, but we can use the abilities God has wired into each of us to make the world a better place.
Doing good for others, like Allen did, reflects the image and character of God. It doesn’t get much better than that. It’s a great way to live

I’ll close with an updated version of the main point of episode 135, it’s the one I mentioned about Joseph, the father of Jesus:

A good man is hard to find. But they’re out there, men like Allen often in the background, not saying much. Their character and behavior tell us more than their words. Look for them. Be like them.

Closing As we close up shop for today, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to do something small for someone. Something that comes easily and naturally for you.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Like Allen did. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 135: Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

The prior and most recent episode 211: A Men’s Breakfast Like No Other

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

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A men’s breakfast can be fun and still have a greater purpose than eating and conversation. When organized with a larger objective in mind it can be a great way to bless people and a means to live out the Gospel.

Today’s episode is about my Men with Waffles breakfast and the impact it had on others not even in the room. Especially women.

Breakfast with a friend A few weeks ago my friend Randy was in town for the Christmas holiday. We used to go to the same church, but his job change meant a move to Pittsburgh. He and his wife are still closely connected with friends they have back in Wisconsin where I live, and they try to get back here at least once a year to see everyone.

Before Randy got to town he texted me and asked if we could meet during his Christmas visit to Wisconsin. It’s always an invitation I cannot turn down. So we got together for breakfast one morning. We caught up on each other’s lives in ways that seemed like he had never moved away, even though it’s been almost 9 years. That’s the way it is with good friends you haven’t seen in a while.

When it came time to order, I chose eggs. Randy ordered a waffle.

This unimportant event reminded me of waffles in a more significant context that Randy and I were part of several years ago. I’ll you about it. It’s my Men with Waffles story.

This calls for a men's breakfast It happened during the time I was teaching an adult Sunday school class at our church. Randy and his wife Kathy were part of that class. My story picks up after the class took a break for Christmas one year. We resumed shortly after the new year, and at the beginning of that first class of the year, we chatted about how everyone’s Christmas went. It was then we all discovered something unusual.

Five men in our class of about 30-35 received a waffle maker for a Christmas gift. All of the waffle maker recipients were husbands, which to me seemed a high parentage of the class to have received this uncommon Christmas gift. I don’t think any of the wives collaborated on these gifts for their husbands.

Although I did hear a rumor of an unmarked white box car parked near the church one day, selling shrimp, pictures of Elvis on black velvet, and … waffle makers. It’s just a rumor, so don’t quote me on it.

Anyway, here we have 5 guys with brand-new waffle makers. It just seemed fitting that we needed to do something to note this out-of-the-ordinary event. So I talked it over with my wife, Janet, and got her okay to host a men’s breakfast at our house where the 5 men with their new waffle makers would bring them and make waffles for all the guys in our class.

Event planning We set a date for a Saturday morning that most all of the men could attend. Those with the waffle makers were to bring them and all the necessary ingredients to serve everyone. In addition to waffle batter, guys brought fresh strawberries, whipped cream, sausages, and orange juice. I supplied coffee, plates, and utensils.

It was a feast!

In planning for this men's breakfast, I wanted to add a little structure to it that went beyond just men with waffles sitting around and talking for a few hours about what men usually talk about when women aren’t around. You know, their children, their mother, and what they were making for supper that night. Things like that.

So here’s what I did. I set up an easel with a flip chart with pages of blank butcher paper about 2½ by 3’ in size. And before we started the waffle extravaganza, I said to the guys something along the lines of

Sometime this morning, in between eating your waffles, I’d like each of you to come over to this easel, take a marker and write down on the butcher paper one thing you appreciate about your wife. One sheet of paper per guy, then rip off the paper when you’re done. When we finish eating we’ll go around and each person gets to share what they wrote.

With that, the waffle-making commenced. I thought the men who were not making waffles would come over right away to write something on the paper. They didn’t. not one.

Was this men's breakfast a mistake? “Oh great, I thought. This is surely going to bomb. They just want their waffles and nothing more. What was I thinking? How embarrassing. What a dumb idea.”

Well, at least the waffle makers will get a proper inauguration, and everyone will be fed, I thought. I must say, the waffles with all the trimmings were magnificent! My friend Randy was there and he will testify to it. They were far more impressive than the waffle he ordered at our recent breakfast.

I made sure to take photos of the whole event. I’d be happy to show them to you after dinner at your house sometime. Wednesdays work best for me, though I’m flexible. The last time I mentioned this one of our listeners actually had Janet and me for a delicious soup supper. It was on a Saturday evening, so you see I am flexible.

Anyway, as we were eating and talking I tried not to think about how no one was going over to the easel to write anything. But then to my relief, the guys did start to trickle over to the easel to do what I asked, like slow drops of water dripping off an icicle on your roof when its 34 degrees outside.

What husbands wrote Slowly, one by one they came. Each one writing down one thing they appreciated about their wife, then ripping off the paper and rolling it up to take with them.

As we finished eating our waffles (did I mention it was a gastronomic delight?) and then cleaning up the kitchen, we found our way into our living room. With everyone seated, I then asked each guy to show what they wrote.

Mike wrote, “I appreciate how Vicki plans fun things and makes everything more fun!”

Bill wrote, “I love Rachel’s tender lovingkindness”

Scott’s butcher paper read in big bold letters, “I appreciate how Marci makes me laugh after a stressful day t work.”

Dick wrote this about his wife, “I appreciate Kathy for her loving and caring nature.”

Gregg’s sheet of paper read, “I appreciate Marian’s sense of adventure and insights into relationships.”

Another Mike in our group wrote, “I appreciate Gail’s sense of humor and her ability to make me laugh.”

Brad wrote, “I appreciate Elizabeth’s steadiness and her reality check.”

Randy, our friend who later moved to Pittsburgh, wrote, “I appreciate Kathy’s genuine faith and her love for our daughter Molly.”

And then I wrote, “I appreciate Janet’s sky blue eyes, her wisdom, and her love for our kids and grandchildren.

There was one more from Allen, which I will tell you about in a minute.

After everyone shared what they appreciated about their wives, guys hung around for a while and then left.

The men’s breakfast aftermath With everyone gone, I then went through all the photos I took and arranged them in a slide presentation to show the next morning in our Sunday School class so the wives could see what their husbands wrote. There were photos of making the waffles, candid shots of men sitting around talking, and most importantly, an individual photo of each husband holding up a large piece of paper on which he wrote something he appreciated about his wife.

To the photos in the slideshow, I added a soundtrack. A recording of the late Nat King Cole singing “Unforgettable,” with his daughter Natalie Cole dubbed in to accompany him to create a romantic ballad duet.

So imagine you’re a woman in this class and you see this slide presentation of what these men wrote, accompanied by Natalie Cole and her late father singing “Unforgettable.”

So many “oohs” and “ah’s.” The loudest of which came at the end when the photo of Allen appeared and what he appreciated about his wife. Allen was a man of few words. I think it’s fair to say he was the quietest man in our church. On his butcher paper he wrote in large bold letters simply, “I appreciate Carol.”

He couldn’t bring himself to name just one thing he appreciated about his wife, it was Carol in her totality that he appreciated. The ladies loved it.

A men’s breakfast with a purpose Now you might be thinking why would I do such a thing? I mean what does our men with waffles breakfast have to do with church and studying the bible? My answer is everything. Everything in the 12th chapter of the Book of Romans, especially verse 10 where the apostle Paul writes, “Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other.”

Our class had been studying Romans 12 and what we did at our men with waffles breakfast was one way we could honor the wives in our class - to express what we appreciate about them.

So how about you? There are so many ways we can honor people. It benefits the other person, certainly. But it also can bring a measure of delight into the person doing the honoring.

It’s another way to spread a little relational sunshine around the people we meet. It sparks joy in both them and you. Above all, it reflects the character of God. It’s part of God’s character to bless us, to affirm us, and we can do the same thing with others.

And you don’t have to organize a men's breakfast like I did. You can honor someone like Randy did with me by saying, “Hey, you want to get together? I’d like to spend some time with you.” It’s that simple. And it’s that profound.

Closing As we close up shop for today, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to think of a way you can bless and honor someone by telling them what you appreciate about them.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

And of course, especially this week, don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 172: How to Develop Deeper Relationships

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Prior and most recent episode 210: Word of the Year for 2024: Curious

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

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CURIOUS. It’s my pick for the 2024 Word of the Year. Curious. It’s an important relational skill we need to help us deepen our relationships with others.

Today’s episode is about what happens when we’re not curious about people, and what we can do about it to strengthen our relational curiosity muscles that will enrich our relationships.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it.

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Missed opportunities when we’re not curious about people I’m just about finished reading David Brooks’ latest book, How to Know a Person - The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. He’s a columnist for The New York Times and The Atlantic, and also a commentator you see every now on then on the PBS NewsHour.

I’m really enjoying his book and gave several copies of it to family members this past Christmas. At some point down the road I’ll do a review of the whole book, but for now, I’ll mention one paragraph that jumped out at me. The author tells the story of what happened to him at a dinner party when he was engaged in conversation with some interesting people.

Brooks mentioned conversations like this come naturally to him because his job as a journalist involves interviewing people, asking them questions, and otherwise drawing them out. After the party on the way home, he was reflecting on the conversations he had. And while they were certainly fascinating, they left him feeling empty.

He commented that here he was asking all kinds of questions of these interesting people, but no one was curious about anything in his life. No one asked him any questions at all. Not one. Nada. Zilch.

He didn’t mention it in this context, but Brooks as a columnist for two world-class publications, the author of several best-selling books, and a TV commentator - has lived a fascinating life himself. He’s traveled the world in connection with his job and has interviewed several US presidents and rulers of other countries. Yet no one was curious to ask him any questions.

How sad for Brooks, and even sadder for the people he engaged with at the party. They missed out.

“I’m curious about them, but they’re not with me” Shortly after I read this section in Brooks’ book, one of my grandsons shared a similar story. A few months ago he started his first job out of college in a position he really loves. Plus, he is enjoying getting to know the people he works with. He is much younger than any of his colleagues, but they have taken him under their wings. Two women in particular go walking together on their lunch hour and they invited my grandson to join them. He describes his relationship with these ladies like this:

“I don’t think they realize how much younger I am than them [he’s 21]. They’re probably in their late 30s or early 40s and have been doing the same job I’m doing for a dozen years or so. They’re both moms with young kids in school. And they tell me about all the drama that goes on in their families with their kids. They’re fun people and I enjoy the time we walk together.

“But they don’t know one thing about me. They never ask me anything about my life.”

My grandson is a genuinely curious person. He’s always asking me questions about what’s going on in my life, and I can easily picture him asking his colleagues about theirs. He’s quite an engaging person so I can see why they invited him on their walks. These are good people he works with, but they’re missing out on learning how a person so different from themselves experiences the world.

“I’ve even killed people” Then there’s my friend Dick at our church.

We’re a small group, about 25 of us. As part of our Sunday morning service, after the sermon we discuss what the preacher talked about. The discussions are often lively and quite interesting as people share their experiences as they relate to the sermon.

One Sunday not too long ago, the post-sermon discussion centered on the grace of God. Our little congregation has varying levels of understanding about this topic, based on what people experienced in other churches they’ve attended in the past.

Near the end of this particular discussion, my friend Dick chimed in. He’s in frail health, walks with a cane, and has breathing and balance difficulties. He comes to church with a caregiver who looks after him. When he arrives a couple of the women in our group always give him a big hug. His smile lights up the room when they do. Anyway, in a moment of vulnerability here’s what Dick said in our discussion:

“I’m 94 years old and all the things people have just shared are things I’ve been through myself, and more. But no one ever asks me about them. I mean, I’ve even killed people.”

It was a sad moment. A sad moment for our church because Dick has wisdom and experience to share if only people were curious enough to ask. Just saying this reminds me I need to act on my curiosity and engage with Dick more. I’m certainly interested in his perspective on the spiritual issues we talk about on Sunday morning, but I’m also curious about his personal life. He grew up during the Depression of the 1930s and I wonder what that was like for him. Oh, and then there’s that small matter of his comment, “I’ve even killed people.”

A different kind of law professor I’ll leave you with one last story about being curious. It’s a positive one about

another grandson of mine. Our family was together on Christmas Day and we were catching up on each other’s lives. My grandson George had just completed his first semester of law school and we were asking him how it went. He talked about each of his courses and the professors who taught them. One of his professors in particular impressed me. George explained him like this:

“He memorized every one of our names, and there were 75 of us in the class. He taught two other classes and he did the same thing for those, too.

“Then he had each of us come to his office individually over the course of the semester for a short meeting. He said he just wanted to get to know us better. He asked us about our personal lives, our interests, things like that.

“And we got to ask him questions, too. I asked him how he got interested in law in the first place. Then I found out he had a couple of young children, and he told me about his wife, her love of plants, and that he was a big Green Bay Packers fan. No other professor does this. He’s ranked #2 of all the law school professors on that student-rated website.”

I’m really happy George has someone like this in his life, and I hope he gets this same professor again for another class. Not just because he was curious enough to find out more about George as a person, but also because he modeled for him what a relationally intelligent person does. They are curious about the lives of people they interact with.

But if I’m curious and ask people questions won’t they think I’m being nosy? I’ll let David Brooks answer this question from his book I mentioned earlier, How to Know a Person. In his chapter entitled “The Right Questions” he writes,

“While doing research for this book, I interviewed many people - seminar leaders, conversation facilitators, psychologists and focus group moderators, biographers and journalists - whose job is to ask people about their lives. I asked these experts how often somebody looks back at them and says,

‘None of your d- - - business.’ Every expert I consulted had basically the same answer: ‘Almost never.’”

The author goes on to say, “A 2012 study by Harvard neuroscientists found that people often took more pleasure from sharing information about themselves than from receiving money.” Let that thought sink in for a moment. People often took more pleasure from sharing information about themselves than from receiving money.

Brooks concludes with “Over the course of my career as a journalist I, too, have found that if you respectfully ask people about themselves, they will answer with candor that takes your breath away.

“Studs Terkel was a journalist who collected oral histories over his long career in Chicago. He’d ask people big questions and then sit back and let their answers unfold. ‘Listen, listen, listen, listen, and if you do, people will talk,’ he once observed. ‘They always talk. Why? Because no one has ever listened to them before in all their lives. Perhaps they’ve not ever listened to themselves.’

“Each person is a mystery. And when you are surrounded by mysteries, as the saying goes, it’s best to live life in the form of a question.”

What a beautiful way of describing such a profound observation about the human condition. It takes my breath away.

So what about you? How curious are you about the people in your life, and do you act on that curiosity? For me, I know now that I need to act on my curiosity about Dick, my 94-year-old-friend from church. I’ve got to find out where his “I’ve killed people” comment comes from. Not just for my benefit, but for his. There’s a story locked up within him somewhere that needs to get out to see the light of day.

Imagine what the world would be like if we were all a little more curious about each other. I’m convinced we’d all live deeper and richer lives.

So there you have it for the word of the year for 2024. Curious.

I’ll be coming back to this word and relational skill in future episodes this year. For now, though, at the bottom of the show notes I’ve listed links to past episodes that touch up the topic of curiosity that you might want to check out.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to become more curious about the people around you, and then to act on that curiosity.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 062: Vaccine Now Available for this Relational Virus

063: Six Reasons Why We’re Not More Curious About People

073: Could Curiosity About Others Minimize Racism?

The most recent episodes 209: The Christmas Story in 2023

208: Christmas - A Time to Reflect

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

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When you get right down to it, the only thing that really matters in the Christmas story in 2023 is Jesus. No Santa, gifts, or Bing Crosby. Just Jesus.

Here's the original story as recorded in Luke's Gospel, just as it happened. I am reading from The Message, by Eugene Peterson. Luke 2: 1-20

The Birth of Jesus About that time Caesar Augustus ordered a census to be taken throughout the Empire. This was the first census when Quirinius was governor of Syria. Everyone had to travel to his own ancestral hometown to be accounted for. So Joseph went from the Galilean town of Nazareth up to Bethlehem in Judah, David’s town, for the census. As a descendant of David, he had to go there. He went with Mary, his fiancée, who was pregnant.

While they were there, the time came for her to give birth. She gave birth to a son, her firstborn. She wrapped him in a blanket and laid him in a manger, because there was no room in the hostel.

An Event for Everyone There were shepherds camping in the neighborhood. They had set night watches over their sheep. Suddenly, God’s angel stood among them and God’s glory blazed around them. They were terrified. The angel said, “Don’t be afraid. I’m here to announce a great and joyful event that is meant for everybody, worldwide: A Savior has just been born in David’s town, a Savior who is Messiah and Master. This is what you’re to look for: a baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger.”

At once the angel was joined by a huge angelic choir singing God’s praises:

Glory to God in the heavenly heights, Peace to all men and women on earth who please him.

As the angel choir withdrew into heaven, the shepherds talked it over. “Let’s get over to Bethlehem as fast as we can and see for ourselves what God has revealed to us.” They left, running, and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in the manger. Seeing was believing. They told everyone they met what the angels had said about this child. All who heard the shepherds were impressed.

Mary kept all these things to herself, holding them dear, deep within herself. The shepherds returned and let loose, glorifying and praising God for everything they had heard and seen. It turned out exactly the way they’d been told!

____________

Merry Christmas 2023, everyone.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 208: Christmas - A Time to Reflect

207: How to Help the People We Love at Christmas

Blog post: The Joy of Christmas Past

Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

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There are many cultural dimensions to all that is Christmas. Pick your favorite. I have a few that I look forward to every year. But as I get older, I’m seeing Christmas more as a great time to reflect on my relationship with Jesus.

In Luke’s gospel, for example, I’m especially drawn to the mother of Jesus, Mary, and how she reflects upon the birth of her son and all that it means to her, both in the present and the future. There are things we can learn from Mary as she takes time to reflect on this most important event in all of history.

To set the scene for when Mary took time to reflect on all that happened at the first Christmas, I’ll read a few verses from Luke’s gospel that tell the story.

They’re the ones that occur right after Mary gave birth to Jesus. An angel of the Lord had just appeared to a group of shepherds who were on the job out in the fields tending to their sheep. God’s glory surrounded all of them, having appeared out of nowhere. Quite naturally the shepherds were terrified for they had never seen anything like this.

But the angel, a messenger from God, reassured them and told them there’s nothing to be afraid of because he was there to simply announce that Jesus. the savior, the Messiah the Lord. had been born in Bethlehem. Other angels then appear filling the sky and praising God. What a majestic sight that must have been.

After the angels leave We’ll pick up the story in chapter 2 of Luke’s Gospel, verse 15. Luke writes:

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.

It’s this last line that has captained me lately, But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.

Two important actions going on There are two important verbs in the sentence I just read, “treasured” and “pondered.” at least that’s how the New International translation renders them. Other translations use the phrase “Mary kept all these things in her heart” rather than “treasure.”

For the verb “Pondered,” other translations use “thought about them often.”

But the translation I like best is the New International Bible Reader’s Version which translates Luke 2:19 like this,

But Mary kept all these things like a secret treasure in her heart. She thought about them over and over.

What are the “these things” of Christmas Regardless of how you translate the two verbs in this verse, the noun phrase that is the object of the first sentence in the verse is always translated the same, “these things.”

But what are the things Mary was keeping, or treasuring, and pondering or thinking about over and over? It’s one of the beautiful mysteries of the Christmas story that’s worth taking the time to reflect upon.

I imagine Mary obviously reflecting upon what the shepherds told her about the angel of the Lord appearing to them and how terrifying it was. But how their fear turned to joy when the angel told them not to be afraid because

Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.

What a comforting independent confirmation that what the angel Gabriel told Mary when he visited her 9 months earlier was actually true! This truth alone is like a treasure worth appreciating over and over again. What Gabriel told her wasn’t something she just imagined. The sky was full of angels confirming this was all true.

But there are a few other less obvious “these things” The “all these things” phrase Luke uses in describing Mary’s response to what is happening, implies different layers to what Mary is experiencing. One layer I imagine is Mary taking time to reflect upon her relationship with her elderly relative Elizabeth.

Imagine these two improbable pregnancies. One to someone too old to bear a child, and the other to a virgin. This was certainly something to treasure and think about often. It would naturally draw Mary to God and his amazing ways in accomplishing his purposes.

Author Anne Lamont would describe this layer to the Christmas story, in the most reverent of tones, as “God showing off.” It’s one of her favorite expressions.

It makes me wonder about the improbable things God has done in your life. What things has he done for you that’s worthy of treasuring?

Joseph And then there’s Mary’s husband Joseph. Another layer to the Christmas story. I imagine Mary sitting there in the cave with the baby Jesus looking at Joseph and treasuring her relationship with him. I picture her taking time to reflect on where they’ve come from in their time together. We don’t know how old Joseph was, but we’re pretty sure Mary was probably 14 or 15 years old. Maybe they went to high school together.

They were both from the small backwater town of Nazareth, which had a lot going against it in terms of its reputation. Remember one of Jesus’ disciples remarking, “can anything good come out of Nazareth?”

While I imagine Mary was the subject of a lot of gossip surrounding her pre-marital pregnancy, she had to know Joseph dealt with the same thing. There was a cost to his reputation and standing in the community, too. Yet he stood by her and believed what Mary and the angel Gabriel told him - as implausible as it was. What woman wouldn’t want a husband like this?

Scripture doesn’t have a lot to say about Joseph, except that he was described as a “good man.” I did an earlier episode about him, episode no 135, “Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy.” I’ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes in case you're interested. It’s one of my favorite Christmas episodes.

"All these men around my baby" Another layer to what Mary treasured and took time to reflect upon could very well have been the place of the shepherds in the birth of Jesus. If I were Mary, I’d wonder why all these men were here to see my baby. Birthing is typically a female kind of thing, but here are all these guys - Joseph and the shepherds. There’s not another lady to be found in the whole story. What gives with that?

Why are the shepherds even part of the Christmas story? Why couldn’t the angels appear to Mary and Joseph directly?

The answer to this question is another example of God showing off, in the best sense of the word. You see these shepherds were not the ordinary run-of-the-mill shepherd. They were actually temple priests who cared for a special flock of sheep used for the Passover celebration and other temple festivals where ceremonial sheep were sacrificed.

Each of these sheep were without any blemish or defect. They were as perfect as any sheep could be. Their one and only purpose was to one day be a perfect sacrifice. These perfect sheep were what the priestly shepherds were watching over the night the angels appeared to them.

The shepherds knew that one day they would be out of a job when the Messiah, the savior , the son of God would come to earth. They knew he would be the once and for all perfect sacrifice for all mankind. No more sheep. A one and done sacrifice. So no wonder they were excited when the angel appears to them out in their fields around Bethlehem to announce the birth of Jesus.

“For there is born to you today, in David’s city, a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” Luke 2:11

Time to reflect on the future Mary knew all this, too. The role of these temple shepherds was well-known, So I’m sure Mary would be reflecting upon the similarity between what they cared for, and what she would be caring for. Jesus is described in several places as the “lamb of God.” His once and for all sacrifice would replace the system these shepherds were part of.

Imagine what it must have been like for Mary, as a teenager knowing that in 33 years the baby you just gave birth to would be offered up by God as a sacrifice to redeem all of mankind.

So what does all this mean for YOU? There was certainly no shortage of things for Mary to think about there besides her newborn baby. Lot’s of things to treasure and many things to reflect on, mull over, and ponder over and over again.

But what about you?

What about the role of Jesus in your life do you treasure? What are the layers of your relationships with him, that you think about from time to time? I encourage you to take time to reflect upon this.

You know this, I’m sure, but considering questions like these is so much more fulfilling than the other questions we usually ask at Christmas.

Closing In closing, I’d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to do what Mary did, to take time to reflect on your relationship with Jesus.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

The next time you hear my voice will be on Christmas Day when I read the entire Christmas story from Luke’s Gospel. It’s only 20 verses.

In the meantime don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 207: How to Help the People We Love At Christmas

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

135: Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy

Last week’s blog post: The Joy of Christmas Past

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

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In the 1947 classic Christmas film It’s a Wonderful Life!, George Bailey, played by Jimmy Stewart, goes through a tough time during Christmas in dealing with two serious financial problems caused by someone else. This most beloved and joyful man in all of Bedford Falls is overcome with depression, anger, hopelessness, and despair. In the midst of all this, George’s wife, Mary, steps in and shows us how to help the people we love when they are in a dark place, especially at Christmas It’s what today’s episode is all about.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Christmas is all about relationships Of all the times of the year to find joy in our relationships, can there be a better time than Christmas? Christmas only exists because Jesus wants a relationship with us, and he came to earth to make that really clear to us.

There’s certainly joy in this relationship, and also in our relationships with friends and family. But sometimes things get in the way of experiencing the kind of relationship God designed for us with the people we love.

We see this so vividly in what I think is the greatest Christmas movie ever made, It’s a Wonderful Life! The film is overflowing with many different kinds of relationship struggles. But in the end, it leaves you feeling good about being alive in community with other people.

I like this movie so much that I did an entire podcast on seven relationship lessons we learn from It’s a Wonderful Life! It’s episode 045 and I’ll have a link to it at the bottom of today’s show notes.

It’s a Wonderful Life! in a nutshell If it’s been a while since you saw the film, or if you’ve never seen It’s a Wonderful Life!, here’s a brief summary of the plot:

The main character, George Bailey, played by Jimmy Stewart, grew up in a small town by the name of Bedford Falls prior to WWII. From the time he was young, George was a very popular, engaging person, well-liked by everyone.

Small-town life was not for him, however. He talked often about his dream of traveling to far-away places where he would work as an engineer to build big things, like skyscrapers and bridges.

George grew up in a loving family where his father and uncle ran the Bailey Brothers Building & Loan, a business in competition with the bank in town owned by the antagonist in the movie, Henry Potter. “Old man Potter” as he was called. At one point George’s father, Peter Bailey, died suddenly and George took over the Building & Loan.

The plan was that once George’s brother Harry graduated from college, he would take over the Building & Loan, so George could leave Bedford Falls to pursue an education and his dreams.

But things didn’t turn out as planned. Harry returns from college, not just with a diploma, but also with a wife and a job out of town with his father-in-law. All this leaves George with the responsibility of running the Building & Loan, causing him to feel all the more trapped, which is a major theme of the movie.

Money set aside for a honeymoon George ends up getting married to a woman named Mary. On their wedding day and on their way out of town for their honeymoon, there’s a run on the bank. This was not unusual during the Depression of the 1930s, which is when the movie takes place. Everyone wanted to withdraw their savings in cash, but there’s not enough money to pay out the withdrawals. Mary sees what’s going on and turns over to George all the wedding money and savings she and George have saved for their honeymoon. George then uses it to pay out the cash withdrawals.

This is the first example we see from Mary of how to help the people we love when they are going through a rough time. How many women do you know would sacrifice their once-in-a-lifetime romantic vacation to help her husband solve a problem at work? Not many.

Most women would say something along the lines of, “This is our wedding day and we’re leaving for our honeymoon. Let your co-workers deal with the problem. They’ll understand. Aren’t I more important than your job, your business?

But that’s not Mary. She sacrifices her desires and her resources to help the person she loves. Sometimes to help the people we love we have to set aside our dreams. And sometimes to help the people we love will cost us financially.

Investing in relationships This run on the bank that George and Mary are dealing with is an interesting metaphor for relationships. Just as deposits we make with our money into financial institutions, we also make “deposits” in our relationships. George Bailey had certainly done that with the relationships he developed and fostered in Bedford Falls. The movie shows how he invested in people, and the things he did to help people who needed help. Watch for it the next time you see the movie. I’ll comment more on this in a few minutes.

But I wonder about you and me. To what extent are we investing in relationships, where we pour ourselves into being there for other people? Will we have enough in our relationship account that there will be something to withdraw when we need help?

Another problem at work After the problem with the run on the bank is solved. Another work-related problem arises like the whack-a-mole game you play at the fair. On Christmas Eve Uncle Billy misplaces $8,000 worth of deposits right as a bank examiner shows up for an audit. In today’s dollars adjusted for inflation, this would amount to about $110,000.

If the money isn’t found, it will mean bankruptcy, scandal, and jail time for George. He’s beside himself with fear, and it brings out the worst in him. The rest of the film shows how George goes about dealing with this problem, and how others deal with George. If ever there was a movie about relationships, this would be it.

For example, at one point in the film George tries to help Uncle Billy remember where he left the money. But he gets impatient, roughs up Uncle Billy, and calls him “a silly old fool.”

George then comes home in his irritated, fearful state and yells at his kids. He makes one of them cry, in fact. At which point Mary steps in to protect her children. She positions herself in front of the kids and confronts George very sternly with “George, why must you torture the children? Why don’t you…”

A change in behavior Before this scene, Mary observed this marked change in behavior in her husband and asked him “What’s wrong?” George doesn’t answer, in part because I think he’s trying to protect his wife from work problems, and in part because he’s confused by his own anger and rage.

Mary is puzzled by George because it’s not like him to be so angry. But she doesn’t give up on George when he doesn’t answer her “what’s wrong?” question. She reflects in her mind what might be the problem. George didn’t go to work that morning angry at the world, so it’s logical to consider that maybe something happened at work to set him off. George isn’t any help in figuring out the problem, so Mary logically and wisely calls someone who works with George to see if he might know. It’s one thing you can do to help someone you love.

She picks up the phone and asks the operator to call Bedford 247. And guess who answers? Uncle Billy.

Now we don’t hear what Mary says to Uncle Billy. But by the end of the movie we find out.

George gets help for dealing with his problem After George walks out the door after yelling at his kids we see him encounter Clarence Oddbody AS2 (Angel 2nd class). He’s sent by God to help George put his problem in perspective and to realize the impact he’s had on people. It’s interesting that God doesn’t send Clarence the angel to solve George’s problem, but rather that despite his problems it truly is a wonderful life that George has been living.

God still works like that today. Often not solving our problems, but always putting them in perspective in light of eternity and God’s purposes for our life.

Bold action to help the people we love Getting back to Mary and her phone call to Uncle Billy. After George’s encounter with Clarence Oddbody, Angel second class, he returns home a new man. Oh so grateful to be alive and even at peace with the potential consequences of the misplaced $8,000 of deposits.

It’s here we see what Mary and Uncle Billy talked about in their phone call. She now tells George, “It’s a miracle, George! It’s a miracle!” Then Uncle Billy walks through their front door with a large wicker laundry basket, sets it on a folding table, and tells George one of the key lines in the movie in an excited tone.

“Mary did it, George! Mary did it! She scoured all over town telling people you were in trouble…” With that, crowds of people come pouring through the front door with cash to put in the basket.

What a bold action on Mary’s part. Sometimes to help the people we love we have to step out of our comfort zone and ask other people to help us care for the one we love. Sometimes we have to make withdrawals from our relational bank account. It’s just how it works.

What we’ve learned from Mary in It’s a Wonderful Life! Mary shows us that we can help the people we love who are going through difficult times by first observing any change in behavior. What’s different about them now, and when did the change happen? Often knowing when will give us further clues to help those we love.

We also learn from Mary how it’s important to reflect upon what might be causing the distress in the people we love. Be direct and ask them. They may not know themselves, but don’t give up. Probe further.

Take action as Mary did. Ask other people who may be in a position to know what the root of the problem is in the angst our loved one is experiencing. Call someone. Don’t text.

And then when you finally understand the heart of the problem. Take more action. Evaluate what you can do to help, and what you need from other people.

Finally, we learn from Mary that helping the people we love going through a really bad season is done behind the scenes. I love behind-the-scenes-people. They have no hidden agenda and they want to bring out the best in people. It’s never about them

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life? Make it a goal to be a better observer of the important people in your life. Notice any changes in behavior. Then reflect upon what might possibly be causing those changes. Finally, take action. Do something that tries to help.

And like Mary in the movie, do all this behind the scenes. Be a behind-the-scenes person. It’s pretty fulfilling helping the people we love this way.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to consider how you can help the people you love this Christmas - behind the scenes.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. As we close up shop, please don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them, kind of like Mary did and all the people of Bedford Falls. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 045: Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

A prior and most recent episode 206: Thankful for the Stories of Others

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

Donate Please consider making a donation to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.

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The Thanksgiving holiday will soon be upon us here in the US, so I’ve been reflecting on what I’m thankful for. And this year I’m thinking about things that goes beyond my family and good health. In considering this, I’ve come to realize that I’m especially thankful for the stories of others.

That’s because I’ve found that the stories of what other people have experienced often lift me out of myself. Listening to what others have been through, both good and bad, and how those experiences shaped them into the person they are today, have a way of neutralizing the difficulties and concerns I’m experiencing.

I’ve got a story for you today that illustrates this principle. A story that happened to me. I hope as you listen to it you too will be encouraged to listen to the stories of others and experience the benefits in doing so.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Thankful for this story that didn’t start well My story starts on a late Friday afternoon at the end of the work week. I was still active full-time in my business, but this particular weekend Janet and I were headed to a missionary care conference in Gull Lake, Michigan.

When I got home from the office that day I hurriedly loaded up the car with our luggage, anxious to get on the road for the 4½ hour drive to the conference. Getting there required driving through Chicago during rush hour. Lots of bumper-to-bumper and stop-and-go traffic through the city’s congested highways. It was nerve-wracking.

We finally reached the conference grounds late at night, registered, and got our room key. As I began unloading the car with the clothes we packed I realized I had left half of them at home.

Oh great, I thought. We’re going to have to wear the same clothes for the entire weekend. Couple that with the late hour, and the nerve-wracking drive through Chicago, my irritability score was off the charts.

It didn’t get any better the next morning as I didn’t get much sleep that night. Lack of sleep. The long drive through Chicago traffic. No change of clothes all contributed to my over-the-moon crabbiness.

A not-so-thankful-start to the day The first scheduled event for Saturday morning was breakfast in the dining hall of the conference center. Janet and I grabbed a tray and made it through the line with our breakfast selections and then looked for a place to sit.

I was still feeling so irritable that I didn’t was to sit with anyone else attending the conference. It wouldn’t be fair to them to sit with someone as crabby as I was that morning. So we spotted a few empty tables in the far reaches of the room and headed there to spend a quiet breakfast away from anyone.

It wasn’t long though, before I spotted an older man slowly heading toward us with his tray of food. “Oh no. Please no,” I thought. He’s going to sit with us and we’re going to have to eat breakfast together. And we’re going to have to talk with him. Yikes!

There was no getting around it. There was no place to hide. We were stuck.

Thankful for an unusual breakfast companion The elderly man sat down with his tray across the table from me. We exchanged pleasantries, commented on the weather, and then he asked us where we were from. I told him and then following his lead I asked,

“How about you? Where are you from?”

“I came here from Detroit,” but I was a pastor in Canada for many years. I’m retired now,” he replied.

Hmm, I thought. His answer surprised me a bit because in our brief conversation so far I detected an accent in his speech. He sounded European and not like any Canadian I had ever known. We made more small talk and then I asked him,

“You seem to have an accent, European I’m guessing. Were you born there?”

“Oh, yes,” he said. I was born in Holland and lived there until I was 19 before I moved to Canada,” he replied.

Hmm, I thought again. I’m guessing our new breakfast companion was probably in his early 80s, which turned on my mental calculator and prompted me to ask another question based on his age and my knowledge of history.

Thankful that one question often leads to another “Were you by any chance living in Holland during World War II? I asked.

His eyes lit up, and with a smile, he responded with a simple but spirited, “Yes!”

I continued with, “And were you still living there when Germany invaded and took over your country?”

“I was,” he said.

By this time in our conversation I suddenly realized I’m talking with someone who was an eyewitness to one of the most significant and awful events of the 20th century. I didn’t see it in myself at the time, but my mood took a drastic turn for the better. My irritability escaped from my being like a mouse who flees when he sees a cat in the room. It happened that quickly.

“What was that like for you, to be living during the occupation?”

“The Nazi soldiers were everywhere, patrolling the streets with their rifles slung over their shoulders. It was a very scary and difficult time for all of us.”

“Why did you leave Holland when you were 19?” I asked after he finished talking about his wartime experience.”

Thankful for the humor found in the stories of others “Oh that’s a funny story,” he said, again with a smile on his face.

“The Dutch government was concerned about over-population and that the country couldn’t handle the increase in population growth they anticipated. So they offered anyone who would move away a sum of money that was equivalent to about $5,000. After the war in 1945-46, that was a large amount of money. So being 19-years-old and looking for adventure, I grabbed the money and moved to Canada.

“As it turned out, the population of Holland grew much larger anyway and there hasn’t been any problem with the country keeping up with that growth.”

“Why did you move to Canada,” I asked. “Why not the U.S.?”

“Oh, that was an easy decision,” our elderly Dutchman replied. “When the Allied forces liberated us after the war in 1945, the Canadian soldiers were much friendlier than the Americans. So that’s why I moved to Canada.”

We all got a good laugh over this part of his story.

With that, we finished breakfast and moved to the first session of the conference. I was now completely rejuvenated and thankful for the story of this Dutchman. I don’t recall seeing him again the rest of the weekend, but this relational moment we had together over breakfast has stayed with me for many years since. It makes me smile whenever I think of him.

Thankful for what we learn from the stories of others My interaction with this World War II-era Dutchman taught me a number of things:

All problems are temporary. Even leaving half your clothes at home for a weekend trip
Our moods are temporary, too. A good conversation can be a mood-altering experience
Asking a simple question to start a conversation is quite powerful
Asking a follow-up question is even more powerful. It’s the engine that keeps the conversation train rolling down the tracks
Being curious about other people has been a source of joy in my life. It’s the basis for being a good listener, and a means to deepen relationships.
I’m so thankful I majored in history in college and that I still enjoy it. Having a background in history has enriched my life.

So what does all this mean for YOU? The next time you’re in a bad mood, use your curiosity muscles to listen to someone share one of their life experiences. By drawing them out with follow-up questions it will help lift you out of yourself. It’s amazing how that works. Give it a try.

Closing In closing, I’d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to be curious about other people and to be thankful for their stories.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today.

Now don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll connect with you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

185: Thankful for Curious People

063: Six Reasons Why We’re Not More Curious About People

165: Nosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them

The prior and most recent episode 205: How to Have a Meaningful Conversation

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

You can also make a contribution by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

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To deepen our current relationships, or to develop new ones, it’s helpful to ask ourselves an important question. Namely, “How do I have a meaningful conversation with someone?” Today’s episode will give you a few ideas to help you answer this question.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

A meaningful conversation with my barber One way to find this joy God designed for us is to consider how we can have meaningful conversations with people. “Meaningful” doesn’t necessarily have to mean “deep.” If you listened to the episode prior to this one, #204, you may recall the woman on the NextDoor app who posted that she wanted to have 40 “deep conversations” before she turned 40.

As it turns out she was really looking for 40 people to sign up for her life coaching business. I heard from some of you that you were angry with the woman for misleading people like this.

Now I’m going to save deep conversations for another time, and I have no life coaching advice for anyone. Well, except for one thing. Grown men over 60 should tuck their shirts in when out in public. It will keep your mom happy, if she’s still alive. It will honor her legacy if she’s no longer with us. That’s the extent of my life coaching advice for today.

As for meaningful conversations, they don’t have to be deep in order to derive a measure of joy from them. And you don’t always have to create them, because sometimes they just come to you like a stray dog or cat who appears on your doorstep and welcomes themself in.

For example, several years ago I was sitting in the chair in a barber shop when my barber, Paul, asked me what I was going to do the rest of the day when I was done with my haircut.

“Stain my deck this afternoon,” I said.

“I’ve been putting it off because I don’t like being on my knees putting the stain on with a paintbrush. But the job needs to be done.”

The most meaningful conversation I had that day Paul then said, “You know they make special brushes for putting down stain on decks. They’re about 6 inches wide and an inch and a half thick. You screw any standard-size pole, like you use for a broom, into a hole in the brush. This allows you to dip the brush into the pail of stain and put it down on the wood without ever bending down or kneeling. Most hardware stores carry this kind of brush.”

After my haircut I went straight to a nearby hardware store, bought the kind of brush Paul described, and started staining my deck just as Paul described. What was once a burdensome task now became something quite easy. All because of this meaningful conversation while sitting in a barber’s chair.

The meaning in my conversation with Paul is that he shared something that made my life better. He shared the knowledge and experience he had to ease a difficulty in my life. It wasn’t a deep conversation by any means, but it brought me joy in knowing how to complete a task in a new and less painful way. It really lifted my spirits.

To have this meaningful conversation with Paul all I did was engage in small talk and share what was on my mind. When you do the same thing with a good listener, there’s the possibility are you’ll get into a meaningful conversation, too.

Dinner party Another meaningful conversation happened just recently when Janet and I were invited to dinner at the home of one of our couple friends. Another husband and wife who moved away many years ago were in town and they were invited, too. The six of us have been friends for decades.

As the six of us were eating, the subject came up of the first house each of us lived in and the memories we had of those homes. It was interesting to hear each person recall what was memorable for them. One memory shared in this conversation that stood out for me was one shared by the hostess, who I will call “Sarah.” It’s not her real name, but she’d be embarrassed to no end if I told you who she really was, so I’ll just call her Sarah.

A visit from Dad Anyway, Sarah shared a memory of her and her husband’s first house, that in all the many years I have known them I had never heard before. She said a favorite memory was how her dad on occasion would come and visit her on his day off. He was a mail carrier is a town about 75 miles away.

“He would drive all that way and then sit in our living room and read the newspaper. It’s a favorite memory of mine, being in the same small living room with him while he read the paper.”

Sarah was a young mom at the time with two small children when her father would come and spend the day with her.

The smile and look on her face told me this was something special. I had heard stories about her father before, of the kind man he was. Sarah’s husband spoke fondly of him, too. On the days he would visit he came alone. Sarah’s mother stayed home. To me, it seemed fitting that way, as her relationship with her mother was, well, very different from her relationship with her dad.

A meaningful conversation without words Even though no one else said much as she shared her story, I found it to be a meaningful conversation among the six of us. Sarah, as long as I’ve known her, has been one of the kindest, most loving and gentle people I’ve known. I learned this night when she shared her story where she got these qualities. She got them from her dad.

Her dad’s legacy lives on through Sarah. She places a high value on relationships as he did, and she is kind and gentle, too.

I mean, who would spend their day off from work to drive 150 miles and 2½ hours round trip to just be with his daughter? Not to do anything special, just to sit in her living room reading the newspaper.

I found both sadness and joy in this meaningful conversation. Sadness that Sarah’s mother related to her so differently. Sadness in knowing that her dad died quite young. I think he was only 54. I found joy in knowing this memory of Sarah’s father and how the way he spent his day off still has a special place in her heart.

There was also the Joy in seeing her dad in Sarah. Their shared qualities of kindness and gentleness. And Joy in knowing an example of how a father can love his adult daughter. I want to be remembered by my daughter and son like this after I’m gone.

What makes a conversation meaningful? I like to think a meaningful conversation is one where there is an exchange of meaning. And it doesn’t necessarily have to involve words. The conversation with my barber about the deck stain brush certainly involved words. He shared his knowledge and experience that was meaningful to me. It was a solution to a problem I had, which I appreciated.

Now, you and I have been in conversations filled with lots of words, many words, but without any meaning being exchanged. You know what I’m talking about. When people fill the air with their own voice, where they talk just to talk, devoid of anything meaningful to you. They give you information or opinions you didn’t ask for that mean nothing to you. You are not asked any questions in a conversation like this. It’s more a monologue than a conversation.

This wasn’t the case at all with Sarah sharing a favorite memory from the first house. There were few words, but lots of meaning was exchanged because we listened. Listening based on what we all remembered about Sarah’s background. Listening by observing her facial expression. And then listening by entering into Sarah’s story as we imagined what it must have been like for her, and for her dad, and his occasional visits to her home.

Sarah shared her memory with only a few words, yet it was filled to the brim with meaning.

Words not needed If Sarah had used words to convey the meaning of her conversation it would have gone something like, “My dad thought I was important enough to use his day off from work to come and spend time time with me. Even if it was to just sit in our living room reading the newspaper. That was enough for both of us. It was all we needed, to be together like that. This was a favorite memory of mine from the first house owned.”

Yeah, something like these words would have described it. But we didn’t need the words. We saw it and more in her face. The meaning I came away with from this meaningful conversation was joy for Sarah. Joy that she had such a loving relationship with her dad. It reminded me of that Walt Whitman quote I love,

“We were together, I forgot the rest.”

So what about YOU? I wonder what meaningful conversations you’ve had lately. What have you done to make them meaningful? What exchange of meaning has taken place between you and another person?

And I especially wonder what meaningful conversations presented themselves to you, like the sun peeking around the edge of grey clouds after a sprinkle of rain? I’d love to hear about any conversations like this.

Closing And speaking of the sun peeking out from clouds, as we close up shop for today, don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Prior and most recent episode 204: Deep Conversations

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

You can also make a contribution by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page. Thank you.

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Do you ever long for a deep conversation with someone? Today’s episode is about a creative measure someone took to make that happen. It reveals what many of us long for, and how we can make the world a better place, one conversation at a time.

As with every episode, our purpose in this podcast is to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

The Next Door app I’ll start by telling you something interesting I found the other day on the social media app, “Next Door.” It’s a bit like Facebook but for neighborhoods. You sign up to get posts from people living in your neighborhood, and it’s usually people asking for recommendations. Things like, “I need a plumber,” or “I’m new in town and am looking for a good dentist, who would you recommend.” Things like this.

Last summer, for example, I found a high school student through this app willing to pull weeds from our flower beds, so it’s great for items like this.

But you’ll also find annoying things like a recent post that read “Why is the Taco Bell on Moreland Rd closed all of a sudden.” That’s not so bad, but it generated a long thread of comments about how horrible Taco Bell is, followed by a string of Taco Bell fans praising the place. Followed yet by another string of “Why are people so lazy they can’t make their own tacos at home? What’s wrong with you people?”

I think you get the picture. It’s why I delete the app, but then months later sign up for it again.

An unusual request Anyway, the most unusual post I’ve seen in a long time came from an attractive woman by the name of Nicole who posted her picture with the following:

I turn 40 in roughly 4 months.

To celebrate, I’m challenging myself to have deep conversations with 40 different individuals.

What’s in it for you? Maybe some clarity in an area you’re questioning or better sense of your purpose or even just someone to listen to you unload.

What’s in it for me? I get to connect with YOU. Simple as that.

I want to close out my 30s by connecting with as many people as possible. And if we already know each other, let’s do this anyway!

Message me if you’re up to help me with this challenge.

Summary of the Responses The last time I checked 99 people responded to Nicole. Here’s a summary of those responses:

- Slightly more women responded than men
- No one said “no” or anything negative. Everyone either said “yes” in one form or another, “Happy Birthday” and nothing more, or they had a question
- 9 people commented something along the lines of “Oh, you’re so beautiful.” One person said she looked like Julia Roberts. None of these 9 agreed to a deep conversation Nicole is looking for.
- 2 people wanted to know more

Selected responses I found interesting Jim: Wish I were 40 yrs. younger

Nicole: ha! Flattered, but I’m married!

Guy: Hello Nicole! I’m Game!! But I’m a talker…You better be ready!!!

Joseph: The years have been very kind to you! What are some of your interests?

Anna: I would love to do this. I am 78 years old. This could be very interesting. And maybe loving & caring. I could use more contact w/ good people. How do I get on board?

Melody: Please be safe meeting all those people

Emily: I’m in. Always great to meet new friends. Happy early birthday

Mark: Hello Nicole, what a way to start and meet new friends. I would like to connect and have some conversations.

Angela: What a wonderful way to celebrate your milestone birthday! I am having a milestone birthday today @60! I have a lot of life to discuss and would be honored to help you accomplish this worthwhile project!!

Steven: Absolutely, any time!

Tami: Hi Nicole! I’m Tami, and I am so intrigued with your project!! I would love to help you with this. I’m a writer and deep conversations are my jam!

Craig: Very interesting idea. I love to chat with new people!

Laura: If you haven’t met your 40 conversations, I could use a good conversation with a kind soul.

An interest in deep conversations from young and old Meghan: I wish there were more people like this with good intentions! I’m in my mid-20s. Intellectual conversations are kinda really my thing.

Jeri: I would love to participate. I just turned 70 and looking for connection.

Larry: I am 66; is it to just unload problems or to really make new friends--if you want to make new friends I am there count me in-

Karen: I would love to help you . I am in my early 50s and love meeting new people and making friends.

Kat: Well, I am 76 years old and I have lived through a lot! I was a postwar baby and as I became a teenager we dealt with birth control. Then there was the Vietnam war, civil rights. Live near the Bay Area in the 60s and saw lots of disobedience and Craziness. I lived to see John Kennedy shot and killed Martin Luther King shot and killed and Bobby Kennedy shot and killed. Those were sad sad days for America. I could go on and on, but I won’t. You get the idea. At this point in my life, I have lost almost everybody that was of significance in my life growing up. But I’m still part of the class of ’64 for our high school and we are a very connected class since we went from kindergarten through high school together for most of us. By the way, happy happy birthday

Lyn: Nicole, I'm game if you're still collecting names. I just celebrated my 75th...definitely a milestone!

Michelle: Hi Nicole, I’d love to assist with your quest. What a lovely way to celebrate your next birthday.

My response to the request for a deep conversation I responded with this text, I’ll do what I can to help you with this challenge.

Shortly thereafter I received a text from Nicole that read:

"Hey John! Thanks for offering to help with the challenge!

"Just as a very brief background: I'm a nurse and obtained a certification as a transformative life coach and my goal is to connect with as many people as possible. There's no catch, just connecting :)

"Here's a link to schedule a time to connect:"

Hmmmn.

A different “deep conversation” than what was expected I clicked on the link to find a calendar to book an appointment. Above the calendar read “Free Session.” The word “Free” jumped out a me. It implies, especially after reading further, that some sessions are not free.

Next to the calendar is more information from Nicole that began with:

"Why do this? To connect! I'm a nurse and a health and wellness coach looking to serve my community one conversation at a time. I want to learn about you and where you're struggling right now, and alternatively, what's going great and how to help you build on that!"

Nicole goes on to write:

"Some sessions can be filled with big emotions and that's ok! I want you to express yourself to the fullest, be open and honest, and I'll do the same for you. That being said, if I feel you're not showing up fully in this way, I'll call you out on it and push you a little harder. Not showing up fully is not an option in my coaching space.

"At the end, we'll make sure you have a plan to continue any forward momentum that we've created together."

My take on all this I was really tempted to contact some of the 99 people who responded to Nicole’s initial challenge to celebrate her upcoming 40th birthday by having deep conversations with 40 people. I’d like to ask them what they thought and felt when they got the same text I received when I responded to Nicole. Believe me, that was so tempting.

But if I did that, this episode would be about the ethics of Nicole’s marketing strategy for her wellness coaching business. The larger and more interesting aspect to this story is why these 99 people responded to Nicole in the first place.

It caused me to go back and look at the responses of these 99 more closely and found they reveal something about what many of us are all looking for these days.

What people are looking for I think of Anna, who at 78 years of age found the prospect of a deep conversation with Nicole to be in her words, “loving and caring,” and “I could use more contact with good people.”

Then there is Laura who said, “I could use a good conversation with a kind soul.”

And Larry who mentions he’s 66 and “If this is about making new friends I am there. Count me in.”

Another response that is telling comes from Jeri who said “I would love to participate. I just turned 70 and looking for connection.”

And finally there is the response from Kat who spoke about the major events she lived through in her 76 years, almost as a way of auditioning for Nicole, implying that she would have a lot to offer in any kind of deep conversation.

I was especially touched when Kat said “At this point in my life, I have lost almost everybody that is of significance in my life growing up. But I’m still part of the class of ’64 for our high school and we are a very connected class since we went from kindergarten through high school together for most of us.”

Over and over again people talk about looking for connection and meeting new friends.

I think it’s because many of us are lonely. Otherwise, why would we want new friends? It’s either because we don’t have any friends, or the few we have are just surface friends.

So what does all this mean for YOU? If you saw Nicole’s request for a deep conversation, how would you respond? Are you interested in deep conversations that would lead to connections with people and making new friends? Or are you overloaded with the things going on in your life that you just don’t have any space for deep conversations much less new friends?

Another thing this brings up is as people of faith, how would Jesus want us to respond to those looking for friends and connection with others? We can’t connect with everyone, nor be friends with everyone. And if you’re active in a church, please, please don’t say, “tell others they need to get in a small group.” No, they don’t.

My hunch is that Jesus doesn’t want us to funnel lonely people into a church program or ministry. Rather, I think he wants us to individually reflect his image and character.

To be what 78-year-old Anna is looking for, “someone who is caring and loving” and that good person she could connect with.

To be that “kind soul” Laura is looking for.

Yeah, that’s how I think Jesus would want us to respond.

Because someone listened… I’ll conclude by reminding you of that new feature we’re trying out this season, Because Someone Listened…

I’d like you to describe a time when someone listened to you well and the impact it had on you. Just complete the sentence because someone listened…. You can post it in the comment box at the bottom of the show notes, or you can email it to me at john@cringforothers.org.

Closing In closing, I’d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to be that loving and caring person, that “kind soul” people are looking for.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

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There’s a school of thought out there that says to make friends it’s important to be vulnerable by sharing your story. Some call it “being authentic.” Yet it’s been my experience that sharing your story when someone is trying to share theirs may end up pushing people away. Some would call that being self-centered. Today’s episode, though, is about three reasons to be stingy in sharing your story.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, an award-winning author and relationship coach. I'm here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

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In the last episode If the phrase “be stingy in sharing your story” sounds familiar it’s probably because you heard it used in episode 202, “The Best Stories.” It was in reference to the listening advice shared in the interview I did with Linda Crouch, a retired missionary friend. She talked about her friend Meg who listened well to Linda talking about her recent trip to Nigeria. Even though Meg was a missionary herself, she was stingy in sharing her own story. So Linda had all the time she needed to tell hers.

I love this word, “stingy.” I never thought of it being a good word with a positive connotation to it. Ebenezer Scrooge in Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol come to mind when I hear the word “stingy.”

But in the context of relationships, “stingy in sharing our story” is a great principle on several levels, when used properly. Here are three reasons why:

Being stingy in sharing your story honors the person sharing theirs In any meaningful conversation you can’t have two stories going on at once. Unfortunately, though, you see this happening all too often. Tune in any TV or radio news show with 3 or more hosts and invariably you hear them talking over each other, fighting for air time.

A meaningful conversation requires someone to take the high road by being quiet and listening. We honor people when we relinquish our turn to be the center of attention. It gives voice to people who may not have had a voice.

It’s a biblical principle as well. James 1:19, that familiar passage says, “…be quick to listen and slow to speak.” When we take that to heart and put it into practice it manifests another Biblical concept we read in Romans 12:10, “…take delight in honoring each other.”

Being stingy in sharing your story brings out the best in you A second reason why being stingy with your story when someone is sharing theirs is a great practice is because it brings out the best in you.

The best in you displays relational hospitality, where you invite people into interaction with you by giving them the floor and allowing them to be the focus of attention.

To let someone go first in sharing their story is an act of humility, which is always found in the best of our character traits. It’s a sacrifice to let someone have the air time we would like.

Letting someone else have the spot light without interruption from you models what good listening looks like. And when we model something for others that will bring out the best in them, it brings out the best in ourselves.

Being stingy in sharing your story is an antidote to our loneliness As counterintuitive as it sounds, being stingy in sharing your story is an antidote to loneliness. When you hold back on talking about yourself it creates an opportunity to learn about someone else and a possible point of connection based on their life, not yours.

We have a missionary friend who grew up in a large family where everyone talked. In order to be heard she learned how to fight for airtime by talking a lot herself. While that skill served her well as a child, it did just the opposite as an adult. Instead of drawing people to herself, talking a great deal pushed people away. Consequently, she was often lonely.

Another thing. When we hold back on talking about ourself so that others can share their story it creates the possibility of broadening our world, which tends to dissipate loneliness.

Now I’ll be the first to admit that many times the stories people share about themselves are boring and repetitive. I know, because some of my stories are boring and repetitive.

A brother-in-law story Recently though, Janet and I were at an extended family event that wasn’t all that interesting to me, and as the afternoon wore on I was itching to go home. Janet, however, was thoroughly enjoying herself and didn’t want to leave.

At one point the subject of military service was mentioned, which prompted me to ask my brother-in-law Rich, “Were you ever in the service?”

“Yes,” he said, but nothing more.

I then asked, “What was your your role, your job?”

“Paratrooper,” Rich said.

That one word answer changed my mood entirely. I’ve known Rich for many years, but never knew he was paratrooper. This prompted me to ask more more questions about his military service that I found really interesting. Especially about the mechanics of jumping out of airplanes with a parachute on your back.

I was so glad I coaxed my brother-in-law into sharing his story instead of telling parts of my own. It made for a far more interesting afternoon.

Being stingy with your story doesn’t mean remaining silent about it

One final thought on this whole matter: Being stingy with your story doesn’t mean remaining silent about it. It’s more about waiting your turn. It’s about going last, not first. Good listeners do that, you know.

So what about YOU? I wonder. Is it possible you may be too generous in sharing your story in ways that keeps someone from sharing theirs?

I also wonder if being stingy with your story isn’t a problem for you, how are you handling the results of letting others fill the air waves with the sound of their voice. What goes on inside you when you can’t get a word in edgewise because other people are dominating the conversation and sucking the air time available for anyone else to talk.

I’ve got some thoughts on this that I’ll share at another time, but I do wonder how others deal with this relational dynamic

Because someone listened… One of our listeners wrote in to tell what happened to her because someone listened. She tells the story of two friends who walked beside her through the death and grief of her 40-something daughter who died of cancer.

“I can’t count the number of times I drove out of their driveway with warm refreshing healing teardrops flowing down my cheeks. Over the years — but especially these past 18 months on the hardest journey I never would have signed up for — they welcomed me with open arms, listened to my ongoing expressions of grief and struggle, fed me with an abundance of Papa God’s love and delicious food, and brought the beauty of laughter into the hard. Their listening love has been a gift of GRACE wrapped in a ribbon of GOLD.”

I bet you have stories of what happened to you because someone listened. We’d like to hear them.

Closing Before we wrap up today’s show, if you’d like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you’re dealing with, I’d love to hear from you. Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to leave me a voicemail. If you’d rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the Comment box at the bottom of the show notes.

I’ll do my best to answer your question in a future episode.

In closing, I’d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to be stingy in sharing your own story so someone else can share theirs.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

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021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week’s episode 202: The Best Stories

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Most of us like a good story. I have found that the best stories are those that draw us in with emotion. They’re usually about relationships and often contain a story within a story. I’ve got one of those for you today that I’m pretty sure you’re going to like.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Today's relationship story The story I want to tell you today comes from a listener response to my recent August 8th email to those on our email list. The email was about that line I love from the PBS TV show, Call the Midwife,

“We learn most when we listen to others”

Linda Crouch, a retired missionary now living in North Carolina, wrote to tell me how she’s come to appreciate the great value of people listening to one another. I was so fascinated by what she had to say and the story she told that illustrated the value of listening, that I thought it would make a great podcast episode if I interviewed her.

Linda graciously agreed to the interview that you’ll hear in just a minute. As you listen, I’d like you to see if you can identify the predominant emotion in the story. The relationships you’ll hear about are pretty obvious. But see if you can pick up on the emotion that makes hers a great story.

And then also, what do you hear as the story within her story? See if you can pick that out. So let’s get into it right now.

[I know some of you prefer to read rather than listen to what comes next, but I’m sorry there is no transcript of this best stories episode.]

Why today's story is one of the best stories I’ve heard in a while I don’t know about you, but what Linda just shared is one of the best stories I’ve heard in a while. What an amazing thing she did in organizing a trip for her children and grandchildren to go back to a place where she and her husband spent almost 4 decades of their lives. It’s where her kids grew up and where it formed such an important piece of her identity, and there’s as well.

She could have gone by herself, but she wanted her children to go back with her to experience the joy she experienced. I’m not going to do this, but it would be oh-so interesting to interview 1 or 2 of her adult children, and the same with a couple of the grandkids. To hear how this trip impacted them.

Another thing that made this one of the best stories I’ve heard this year is listening to Linda describe the joy she felt in returning to Nigeria with her family. This is the predominant emotion I heard. Joy. I also love how she talked about “the joy of resilience.” What a breath of fresh air to hear this perspective.

And then there was her motive in going back, to say “thank you” to the people she worked with in Nigeria whom she and her husband Jim worked with and ministered to. I love that. Just recently we hosted a missionary couple who retired this year after 50 some years working in a camping ministry who have been taking a “thank you tour” across the US. They’re meeting with those who have supported them for all these years and who made possible the work they were called to. All to say “thank you” for their faithful support. What a great idea.

The story within the story Finally, what made this one of the best stories I’ve heard this year is the story within Linda’s story. It’s the story of Meg and how she blessed Linda by being such a good listener to her sharing her story. For me, that was quite a powerful story within a story.

I loved how Linda described the way Meg entered into her story and even though she was a missionary herself, she practiced that great line that Linda quoted, “Be stingy with your own story” when listening to others. What a great line, “Be stingy with your own story.” May that be true of all of us when we are listening to others.

If you got distracted and missed any of this may want to replay this part of the episode.

Because someone listened… I’ll conclude by reminding you of that new feature we’re trying out this season, Because Someone Listened…

Send me an email, or fill in the comment box at the bottom of the show notes, where you complete the sentence because someone listened… Describe a time when someone listened to you well and the impact it had on you.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to be part of someone’s best story that they experience.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

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021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week’s episode 201:Three Relationship Tools to Remember in September

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Hello everyone, I’m back! To start season 8 of this podcast we’re going to talk about three relationship tools we can use to become better listeners this fall to deepen our relationships.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles and relationship tools you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

We're back from the off-season It’s been 6 months since Season 7 of You Were Made for This ended with episode 200. You might be wondering what I was doing during this time. If you’re on my email list you got an email every Wednesday during this off-season about all matter of things relationships related that was on my mind at the time. And many weeks the email had links to blog posts on our website. If you missed those, I’ll have a link to them at the bottom of the show notes. I’ll also post a link to get on my email list list if you are not already on it.

There’s a lot more I could share about the past off-season, but I want to get rolling today with this first episode, number 201, of season 8. Plus I want to announce a few changes at the end of today’s show that you’ll want to know about.

However, if you really are interested in knowing more about what I was up to while away from the podcast mic, I’d be happy to tell you all about it over dinner at your house. Wednesdays work best for me. And I know this always comes up, but the only food allergy I have is to coconut. Just so you know.

Okay, to kick off season 8 here near the beginning of September in 2023 we are going to take a look at 3 relationship tools to remember this September that will help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

September is a perfect time to observe I’ll start with this. September is a perfect time to observe.

With the activities of summer in the rearview mirror for most of us, September is the time of year we return to the routines and rhythms of life. Vacations are finished for now, the kids are back in school, and the pace of life dials down a notch. September gives us space to look around and observe.

Flowers we only see in the fall appear now. Here in the Upper Midwest of the US where I live, cone flowers, coreopsis, and black-eyed susans are in full bloom.

Observe relationships And it’s not just the beauty of nature that rewards us when we take time to look around in September. It’s also the beauty of relationships that can soothe our souls when we take time to observe them. I live in a neighborhood where a lot of people walk, and I’m one of them.

While on a walk one early morning I came across a tall dad walking his small, young daughter to her bus stop on the first day of school. Hand in hand they walked, and you could tell they had a loving relationship. You could just tell. For those of you who are parents, first-day-of-school walks to the bus stop are over before you know it. The years just fly by.

Observing that tall dad reminded me of how quickly our children grow up. While parenting is a lot of work - no doubt about it - there is much joy to experience as well. Like the joy of being there for your children as a new chapter of their life opens each September.

September also brings a measure of relational sadness at times. The other day I was talking with Dave, my next-door neighbor. He told me his oldest daughter was soon moving to Washington, D.C. to start her first job out of college. In a moment of vulnerability he said,

“This is hard on me. Harder on me than it is on Barb. I’m not ready for this.”

Yeah, I get it. I’ve been through having our daughter move away. It’s a grieving process.

Observe our relationships with strangers Besides relationships as I’ve just described, I find it helpful to observe the relationships we have with strangers. I’ll explain why later. Recently, for example, I bought a used car to replace an older car we had.

There was a particular model I was looking for, and after much research, I found one on the lot of a large auto dealer in our area, which meant I had to deal with a car salesperson. Yikes. I hate doing this.

What I dislike even more is dealing with the finance or business manager you have to go through to complete the transaction when you buy a car from a place like this. Listening to THEIR sales pitch to upsell their financing and extended warranties is painful. Oh, how I dreaded this process when I agreed to terms on the car with the salesman.

To my great surprise though, I really liked the finance guy within 30 seconds of meeting him. There was no hard sell on anything from this very likable man. He was friendly, but not overly so. Apologetic for having to put me through his dealership’s process. Understanding of our desire to get out of there as fast as possible. I thought to myself he would make a good next door neighbor.

So how are these observations a helpful relationship tool?

Remember in September to reflect upon our relationships Observations we make about people are helpful to the extent we use them to reflect on their meaning. Many of our relational encounters with people are purely transactional and have no deep meaning. You call to make an appointment. We say hello to the postal carrier. You say “Excuse me” to the lady with the grocery cart as you walk around her in the cereal box aisle.

But it’s a shame if we look at all the interactions we see with people as ordinary run-of-the-mill encounters. Our lives are enriched when we reflect upon what we see. Maybe there’s nothing there to reflect upon, but other times what we observe can encourage us or add to the richness of our life.

For example, observing that father in our neighborhood taking his daughter by the hand while they walked to her bus stop the first day of school brought me much joy. It reminded me of the joys of fatherhood and the times I saw my own children off to their first days of school. As I reflected on this scene it evoked gratitude for my joy-filled relationship with my daughter who once was like this little girl I saw on my morning walk.

It wasn’t nostalgia that moved me, but it was thankfulness instead that I continued to be blessed by my relationship with my daughter and my son., both of whom have children of their own.

Yeah, remember this September to reflect on relationships like this. It will do your heart good. It’s a great relationship tool to put into practice.

When people leave us And then there’s the conversation I had with my neighbor Dave whose daughter was moving to Washington, D.C. It caused me to reflect on when our own daughter moved out of state. It was a grieving process where there were no words that could make it better. In fact, at times like this, words often make it worse. Words like,

“At least your son is still in town… you’ll now have a new place to visit…when you see her when she visits you’ll have quality time with each other…time will heal your grief.” It’s like rubbing salt into a wound when we hear words like this.

It’s always harder on those left behind. Those who move on are off to a new adventure. Those left behind get a piece of their heart ripped away.

Strangers can inspire us On a more positive note, as I reflected on my interaction with the finance guy at the car dealer, it actually inspired me to be more like him. I tend to drift toward being critical of people, which I hate to see in myself.

I want to be winsome and put people at ease like the finance guy I met. I want to be gentle and kind with people, to bring out the best in others.

When we reflect upon what we observe in our relationships it opens the possibility of becoming more the man or woman God created us to be. It shows us the extent to which we are reflecting the image of God well.

Remember this September to Act upon what we observe and reflect upon The third relationship tool to remember in September is Act. Take some kind of action based on what you observe and reflect upon.

You need to know, though Act doesn’t necessarily mean an outward behavior. It’s also not about trying harder. It’s not about doing. Sometimes it is, but often it is about thinking. Often an action you take looks like you’re doing nothing to an outside observer.

When I spoke about observing the changing rhythms of life this fall and the flowers that appear this time of year it slowed me down to reflect upon the beauty of God’s creation. It also evoked an action within me, namely to appreciate again the change and energy that comes with each autumn where I live. Feeling something and being aware of it is just as much an action as a behavior. It’s an action unobservable to anyone else. But it’s very real.

It would have been easy to observe what I did, reflect upon it, but feel no gratitude or response and just move on to the next thing.

Two dads and their daughters The two fathers I observed caused me to reflect upon my relationship with my own daughter. It reminded me of tender moments with her, like seeing her off for the first day of elementary school. When I listened to my neighbor share his sadness over his newly minted college graduate moving out of state, it made me reflect upon the sadness I felt when our own daughter moved 800 miles away.

As far as acting on what I observed and reflected upon, I made a mental note to ask my neighbor the next time I saw him, “How are you doing now with your daughter moved into her apartment in Washington?” Making mental notes like this shows you’re listening, and it creates the potential for deepening a relationship.

Take action by drawing upon the work of God in our lives When it comes to taking action in our relationships, draw upon the wisdom and power that lies beyond ourself. Don’t settle for any old idea that pops into your head. It’s too self-limiting.

Instead, here’s a novel thought: ask God what he would want you to do, and then ask him for the power to do it. Rely on him. It's a valuable relationship tool.

He may tell you to do nothing.

He may ask you to change your thinking.

Or he may prompt you to initiate one of a countless number of behaviors.

In a nutshell, to Act is to listen to God. What does he want you to do? Ask him. The possibilities are endless.

Summary In summary, the relationship tools I’ve mentioned in today’s show are an application of that relationship model I’ve talked about in past episodes, ORA. Observe-Reflect-Act. I’ll be talking more about this in future episodes. For now, though, just remember that ORA is about listening.

To Observe is to listen with your eyes.

Reflect is to listen with your heart

To Act is to listen to God

Coming this fall I mentioned at the beginning of the show there are some changes coming here in season 8. One is that we’re going to move from a weekly schedule of episodes to a semi-monthly format. A new episode will be released on the first and third Wednesday of each month. There may also be occasional bonus episodes or emails I’ll send out at other times in the month. The reason for this is to allow time to implement a new initiative related to this podcast.

I’ve become increasingly aware of how many of us are overloaded with information. There’s a lot of content of one kind or another coming at us like a firehose at times. Much of the content is helpful. I hope you feel that way about this podcast.

But a shortcoming of all this content is we often don’t have opportunity to process what we hear. It’s one-way communication. Someone talks and we listen. But there’s no interaction to ask questions or learn from others how they are applying the same content we hear together.

I’d like to change that, so this fall I’m going to experiment with creating a community of like-minded people interested in developing deeper relationships in their life. It will start with a test group of mostly people who listen to this podcast. I don’t have all the details worked out and I will be looking for help from the founding members of this discussion group to do so.

I’ll be sending out more details about this in the days ahead. And hopefully, it will be something you’ll want to join.

Because someone listened… One last item for today in terms of changes to this podcast for the fall is something I mentioned about a month ago in my August 9th email. One of our fellow listeners, Linda Crouch, told the story of how she benefited greatly from a friend who listened to her talk about her trip to Nigeria where she and her husband served as missionaries. It was all because someone listened.

I bet there are other similar stories you have of being blessed in one form or another because someone listened. So I’d like to introduce a segment in each episode to get those stories out.

We’ll call it “because someone listened” stories. I have a hunch they will encourage all of us. So just send me a paragraph or two that completes this sentence, “Because someone listened…” You can email it to john@caringforothers.org.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

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021: The Most Important Relationship of All

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I came across a great example of good people doing good things that I thought you would find encouraging. It illustrates well a passage found in the Bible, Titus 3:14:

Our people must learn to do good by meeting the urgent needs of others, then they will not be unproductive.

Single Moms Saturday

Carol Steward, executive producer of our You Were Made for This podcast is also the marketing director of a Christian radio station in northwest Wisconsin here in the US. Her husband Terry is the general manager of the station, WWIB-FM, and in their most recent monthly newsletter, the following article appeared.

“As Mother’s Day approaches, WWIB will be hosting an encore to our first ever ‘Single Mom’s Saturday,’ a special event to bless 10 local single mothers and their children. Last year, through your incredible generosity, you turned the matching funds from our business sponsors into $19,000 for a SURPRISE Single Mom Saturday vehicle repair fund!

“Let’s show these single mothers how much they are appreciated, welcomes, and loved. If you can help, just go to WWIB.com/SingleMomSaturday!"

I checked the radio station’s website and saw that 18 different businesses and organizations were participating in a matching grant for this ministry to single moms with kids.

Good People meeting a need

Here’s the promotional piece from WWIB about this event:

No one works harder than a mom.

But when she's trying to carry the full weight of a family's needs all by herself, it can be…overwhelming.

Here’s how you can help:

As Mother's Day approaches, WWIB will be hosting our second annual "Single Mom Saturday" event on April 29th...a special day to bless 10 local single mothers and their children!

While their family's vehicle is receiving a free oil change at Bloomer Tire Center, we'll whisk them all away for a day full of fun, including a movie, food truck, inflatables, goody bags, and family entertainment!

BUT...we know that an oil change can actually create MORE stress, if issues arise with their car.

And that's why we're creating a surprise Single Mom Saturday fund at Bloomer Tire, for ANY current or future vehicle repairs needed by these single mothers!

What does any of this have to do with you?

Is it just me, or does the name “Bloomer,” as in Bloomer Tire, make you smile? Bloomer is a small town in northwest Wisconsin with a population of 3,654. Known as the rope-jumping capital of the world, it’s also where I spent some of the best 9 weeks of my life as a student-teacher at their high school during my last semester in college.

None of this matters to you, of course, but what does matter is the example set by the good people of Bloomer Tire, radio station WWIB, and the organizations thinking about the needs of single moms with kids and car problems.

There are good people out there like this, and you and I can be one of them. Here are a few ideas I picked up from the “Single Mom’s Saturday” initiative. They’re by no means exhaustive, but they are a good start.

Good people do this

They think about the needs of others and then do what they can to help.
Good people will spend money to help someone in financial need.
They think of ways to ease the stress others are going through.
Good people will initiate and not simply react to the needs of others.
On occasion, they join forces with other good people to accomplish more as a group than they could individually.
Good people are productive when they meet the urgent needs of others. Titus 3:14 tells us so.

If you’d like to make a donation to this project, even though the matching grant is over, click on https://www.wwib.com/singlemomsaturday.

I’ll end with this quote from legendary basketball coach John Wooden:

You haven't had a perfect day until you've done something for someone who can never repay you.

Other relationship resources you want to check out

Last week’s blog post, "An Unusual Way to Connect with God"

THEM -The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

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It happens every year at this time. Yesterday, April 4th, was the anniversary of the most life-giving conversation of my life.

I can’t think of April 4th without thinking of Carol Steward and what she told me that day. Carol was my wife Janet’s roommate in college and maid of honor at our wedding. We’ve been friends ever since.

If you listen to our You Were Made for This Podcast, you’ll also know Carol as the one who introduces each episode. On April 4, 1968, Carol told me about Jesus for the first time in a way that made sense. It was the most life-giving conversation I’ve ever had.

Our conversation Carol was a new believer herself on the day she talked with me. She went through a small mustard-colored booklet with me entitled, “Have You Heard of the Four Spiritual Laws?” I had not heard of them. The Ten Commandments, sure. I wondered if maybe these four spiritual laws were the abridged or Cliff Notes version. They explained how everyone could have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I had never heard this before.

One thing led to another, and that night, Janet and I, as 19-year-old college freshmen, committed our lives to Jesus. He chose our nervous college friend to be the first person to ever tell us about Himself in a way that made a difference in our life.

I wrote about this life-giving conversation in my book, THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. You can find it in chapter 7.

For the past several years, I call Carol each April 4th to thank her for her courage and obedience in telling me about Jesus for the first time. It still moves me to think where I’d be today if she had not.

Life and death Within hours of becoming Christ-followers on April 4th, 1968, we learned of the assassination of Martin Luther King, jr. The TVs in our student union were broadcasting nothing else that evening. We found life the same day he found death. The coincidence still chills me.

When I think of what Carol did for me that day, it reminds me that I can initiate the same life-giving conversation myself with other people. Several years ago, for example, a former high school student of mine from my teaching days in the ’70s found me on Facebook and reconnected with me after all these years.

Her husband then began sending contributions to our Caring for Others ministry, prompting Janet and me to ask if we could meet. They invited us to their home, where at the end of the evening, he told me, “We want to help you because you were the first person to tell Geralyn about Jesus when she was your student.”

Fast forward to early last year when we got the news that Geralyn had died. Janet and I went to the funeral, sad that cancer had taken her from her husband and children but grateful she is now in heaven. I know for a fact she’s there because she responded to the life-giving conversation I had with her about Jesus decades earlier. She responded just as I did to the same life-giving conservation Carol had with me years before.

What About You? What are the life-giving conversations people have had with you? How have they changed your life? I wonder what life-giving conversations God would want you to initiate with someone, as Carol did with me.

I’d love to hear your answers.

Related podcast episodes 021: The Most Important Relationship of All

100: Start Conversations With Remembering

101: Life-Giving Relationships

There’s more where this comes from Click here to get relationship insights and insights like this sent automatically to you each week. Unsubscribe at any time.

Our sponsor Our blog posts and our You Were Made for This podcast are sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

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While I’m busy out in the shed re-tooling my You Were Made for This podcast for season 8, I haven’t forgotten you. As I come across ideas and resources about relationships I think you would find helpful, I will pass them on to you.

For example, today I’m sharing from one of Susan Cain’s Kindred newsletters she sent earlier this year. I’ve mentioned her before, most recently in episode 196 of my podcast. She’s the author of Quiet - The Power of Introverts in A World That Can’t Stop Talking. Her newest book is Bittersweet - How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole.

Here’s what she had to say about her father and what he taught her by example

Susan Cain's Kindred newsletter Dear John,

As the anniversary of my father’s death approaches, I’d like to share seven things that he taught me by example.

1. Do beautiful things, just for the sake of it. If you love orchids, build a greenhouse full of them in the basement. If you love the sound of French, learn to speak it fluently, even though you rarely have time to visit France. If you love organic chemistry, spend your Sundays reading “orgo” textbooks.
1. Find work you love and work that matters, and do it as excellently as you can.
1. Make a life where you’re as free as possible from the forces of dogma, orthodoxy, and bureaucracy.
1. If you want to live a quiet life, live a quiet life. If you’re a humble person who has no use for the spotlight, be a humble person who has no use for the spotlight. No big deal.
1. If you happen to be a doctor, take care of your patients – really take care of them. Study medical journals after dinner, train the next generation of physicians (my father kept teaching until age 81), spend the extra hour to sit at the bedside of every last one of your patients in the hospital.
1. If you’re a husband, take care of your wife, even when she has Alzheimer’s and can’t walk and asks you the same question again and again and again and again and again and again…
1. If you’re a parent, teach your children the things you love, like music and poetry, so that one day they’ll love them too. One of my earliest memories is asking my father to play the “chair record” (Beethoven’s “Emperor’s” concerto, whose name I was too young to pronounce) over and over again.

Final Words My father and I talked, just before he died. He was in the hospital, trying to breathe.

“Be well, kid,” he said, as he hung up the phone.

And I have been. And so, I hope, will you.

At the end of her newsletter, Susan Cain asks a question that I’ll ask of you:

What are some of the most important things your parents taught you, or that you hope to teach other people?

The rest of our readers and I would love to read your answer to this question. So please respond either by email or in the comment box below.

For all things Susan Cain Go to her website, where you can sign up for your own copy of her Kindred Letters, read more about her two books, and listen to her famous Ted Talk, which put her on the map. https://susancain.net

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Our sponsor Our blog posts and You Were Made for This podcast are sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

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One relationship principle I’ve come to appreciate over time is the power of giving people the gift of hope when they have so little of it themselves.

It’s when you burn brightly with hope for others when their own hope is but a dying ember.

In several recent episodes, I shared a response from one of our listeners who wrote about feeling overwhelmed at how to develop relationships. She said she has no friends and is lonely. The hope she has for things ever getting any better is but a dim flicker.

In today’s episode, the last of season seven, I share what it looks like to give people the gift of hope.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Season seven ends today with episode 200 Before we get into today’s show, I want to remind you that today’s episode concludes season 7 of You Were Made for This.

I will be taking a break from the podcast for a time to work on several projects to serve you better. They will be focused on ways to deepen our relationships and finding the joy God intends for us in them. The joy of relationships is the “this” we were all made for.

Even though the podcast will go dark for a while until season 8 begins, I’d like to continue sharing with you what I’m working on in the meantime. I’d like to tell you about articles and information I come across I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships.

I’ll be doing this with occasional emails to you. If you’ve been getting my email each Wednesday about that week’s podcast episode, you are good to go. But if you’re not getting my Wednesday email, then you’re not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to leave your email address.

Okay. So much for this housekeeping matter and on to today’s program.

A listener who needs the gift of hope Here’s what the listener I’m calling “Emily” (not her real name) wrote in response to episode 063. This is the one about building relationships by being more curious about people. She came across this episode 2½ years after it first aired. Listen as I read her comments about it.

“I found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is ‘wrong with me.’

“I grew up in a very strict and often abusive household, where it was constantly drilled into my head that if people wanted you to know things, they would tell you. And I was made to feel stupid for asking anything that should be “obvious.” We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions.

“Now almost 40 years old, I’m so frustrated by the fact that I don’t have any real, close friendships.

“I don’t know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be I have no idea what to ask. It feels like I don’t even know how personal relationships work. I don’t know how often you’re supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives you should be involved in, or how often to reach out… it sounds so silly but it’s my reality! I don’t know how to make and keep friends.

“I’m sure I come off as selfish and self-centered… But really I just don’t know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.”

Our listeners respond In recent episodes, I asked you and the rest of our listening audience how you would respond to Emily if they were sitting across from her in a coffee shop for a conversation about her situation. I’ll have links to those episodes at the bottom of today’s show notes.

In those episodes, I share what your fellow listeners would say to Emily. There were some very good responses. One that came in recently was from Chris, a listener in Wisconsin. You can read his wise feedback in the comments section of episode 198. You can find it at the bottom of the show notes for that episode.

I also have a few comments to make about Emily’s concern, but first I thought you’d like to hear what our executive producer, and my boss, Carol Steward, has to say. Carol, as you may recall, is the voice you hear introducing each episode of our podcast. She was my wife’s roommate in college, and we have been friends for over 50 years. Most importantly, she was the one who first told us about Jesus when we were 19-year-old freshmen. I talk more about Carol in episode 021, The Most Important Relationship of All.

Carol was the one who gave Janet and me the gift of hope so many years ago.

Listen now to what she had to say recently about Emily and having a conversation with her in a coffee shop:

Many of us have people like “Emily” in our lives Hi John: I was on my treadmill listening to your podcast. It resonated with me and someone whom I know that said to me once, "I don't tell people anything unless they ask me about something."

She has told me that she had been abused in several relationships, and I think that this has precipitated her unwillingness to be open and free with conversation. I'm thinking that she thinks the less she talks about herself, the less it will be twisted or used against her.

Is that what your "Emily" may have been feeling? Of course, we don't know because we can't ask her that. But I do know that abuse creates fear in the abused.

My heart goes out to her. So the best I can offer an answer to what you asked of me, is if you want to get to know "Emily", get to know her the same way you would get to know a 4 or 5-year-old. Be light-hearted, and just enjoy the moment with her. . . . no expectations, no big questions, just enjoy the time. If the conversation only gets as far as, "Have you ever come to this coffee shop before?" and, "What do you like about this coffee?" All good. It's a start, and you can build on it the next time you get together.

A gift of hope starts with wise words So I didn't answer your question, did I? I told you what I would do in conversation with her. So here's my shot at an answer:

“Since you're at the coffee shop Emily, know that I’m here because I want to be there with you or else I would not have shown up. So ask me about my family--ages? interests? plans for the summer? Start with that and listen. Occasionally you could say, ‘Tell me more.’ All relationships start with get-to-know questions. If that's hard for you, go to the questions of the moment, ‘Have you ever been to this coffee shop before?’ and ‘What do you like about this coffee?’”

My Response to Emily When I first received Emily’s response to episode 063 about being more curious about people, I sent her an email saying something along the lines that I’m sorry she’s having to deal with the relational difficulties she mentioned, and how they’re causing such loneliness in her life. I offered to talk with her about these things.

I never heard back from her.

Maybe she didn’t get the email. Or maybe she wanted to wait a while before responding and then lost my email address. There could be other reasons, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. That being said, I have a few ideas I would use in talking with someone like Emily in a coffee shop. It starts with my goal.

My goal would NOT be to fix her problem, or even to make her feel better. My goal would be to reflect the image of God well in talking with her. We’re all made in the image of God, as the Bible tells us in the Book of Genesis. What would God want for Emily is a question I’d ask myself.

I would start by building a level of trust with her, which comes from validating her feelings and showing compassion. I would listen well, setting aside anything weighing on me at the moment, so I could focus on Emily. Part of listening well is asking good questions, especially follow-up questions in response to what she says.

With people struggling with relational issues like Emily, I often find myself asking them “where do you see God in your situation?” It’s a way of pointing people to Jesus, to eventually find the gift of hope found in Him, and seeing how He is at work in whatever circumstance a person is facing.

Choices Another thing I would eventually like to get to is the issue of choices. Even be so bold as after listening well and being compassionate and empathetic, to ask Emily something along the lines of, “So, given your situation, what are you going to do about it?” If what she’s doing isn’t working what can you do differently, Emily?

And then let her come up with ideas. If she has a hard time answering this question I’d ask, “Emily the people you see who have good relationships; what do they do? What could you copy from them?

In dealing with relational difficulties, people have more choices than they often realize. Talking things through as I’m suggesting will often help reveal those choices. As people begin to see more choices available to them, they begin to find hope that things could change for the better.

I have a hunch that the skills Emily developed as a child living with her dysfunctional family are skills she continues to use as an adult. But these are skills that are no longer needed or appropriate in healthy relational environments. She needs to learn new relational skills, and discard the old ones. That’s my hunch anyway.

There’s so much more that can be said about giving people like Emily the gift of hope that things can improve in their relationships. What you’ve heard from your fellow listeners and from me is just the tip of the iceberg to help get you started.

So what does all this mean for YOU? I bet you’ve run across people like Emily in your life. When you do, it’s wise to ask yourself HOW you can best reflect the character and image of God with that person. And then not thwart the work of the Holy Spirit in their life.

Doing this can take so many different directions that it takes Godly wisdom to know which path to follow. So pray for wisdom at times like this.

If you forget everything else from today’s episode, here’s the one thing I hope you remember Caring well for people means at times giving them the gift of hope. To help them see the hope found in knowing Jesus is at work in their life. It’s to burn brightly with hope for them when their own hope is a dying ember.

Closing Finally, as I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, I want to stay in touch with you from time to time while I take a break from this podcast before season eight begins.

If you’re on my email list, I’ll let you know when I’m ready with new episodes to start the next season. I’ll also send you information from time to time I come across that I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships.

But if you’re not getting my Wednesday email already, you’re not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to get on the list.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show to think about how you can reflect the character and image of God in helping people find the gift of hope in their relationship with Jesus.

Well, that’s it for today - and for season seven of this podcast. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.

I look forward to being in your ears when I’m ready to launch season eight. But until then, don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time in season eight. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 197: We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

063: Six Reasons Why We’re Not More Curious About People

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week’s episode 199: How to Help a Friend

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry, is the sponsor of You Were Made for This. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

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Today’s episode is about how to help a friend using a model of deepening relationships I’ve talked about before. The ORA principle. You remember it, don’t you? O - Observe. R - Reflect. A -Act. ORA. I saw this model of relating on several different levels from the responses some of you, our listeners, sent in to help another listener. Someone I’m calling “Emily.”

In episode 197, Emily wrote in, feeling overwhelmed at how to develop relationships. She said she has no friends and is lonely. I‘ll read what she wrote in a minute. I then asked all of you this question near the end of the episode,

How do you react internally to her words? How did you feel inside about what she shared? Then, what would you do or say to Emily in response to her comments? How would you respond to her if the two of you were in a coffee shop having a private conversation with each other?

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

As with every episode, our purpose today is to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. Our listener friend, Emily, certainly isn’t experiencing any joy in her relationships. But let’s see what we can do together to help a friend like her.

Season seven is coming to a close But first, I want to remind you of something I’ve been mentioning in the last couple of episodes. Next week’s show, number 200 will bring an end to season 7 of You Were Made for This.

I’ll then be taking a break from the podcast for a time to work on a few projects to better serve you. I’ll still be writing about relationships from time to time and I’d like to keep you in the know.

If you’re on my email list, I’ll send you an article or email I come across that I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships.

But if you’re not getting my Wednesday email, then you’re not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to give me your email address.

What can we do to help a friend like this? Okay, On to today’s program. You may recall in episode 197 I mentioned that someone I’ll call Emily (not her real name) stumbled upon Episode 063: “Six Reasons Why We’re Not More Curious About People.” I’ll have a link to it in the show notes, or if you’re driving, just remember johncertalic.com/063.

Emily came across this episode 2½ years after it first aired. Listen as I read her comments about it.

“I found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is ‘wrong with me.’

“Now almost 40 years old, I’m so frustrated by the fact that I don’t have any real, close friendships.

“I don’t know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be… I have no idea what to ask. It feels like I don’t even know how personal relationships work. I don’t know how often you’re supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives you should be

involved in, or how often to reach out… it sounds so silly but it’s my reality! I don’t know how to make and keep friends.

“I’m sure I come off as selfish and self-centered… But really I just don’t know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.”

The question I asked our listening audience So again, the question I asked again of our listening audience is how do you react internally to her words? How would you respond to her if the two of you were in a coffee shop having a private conversation with each other.?

Here’s a way to help a friend like this Our first listener response in answer to this question comes from Marilyn from Minnesota. She writes:

“John, I felt like crying for this person sharing her relationship problem. I hope she has been getting some sound counseling over the years.

“When I enter an unfamiliar culture I seek out a mentor or cultural guide to walk me through the confusing web. I can ask the questions that come up and that person can give valuable advice. I believe this would be a help to this person. But how can she even find someone to do it? This is the dilemma.

“ I would love for this person to be my friend and experience life with her as a cultural guide and friend. But I suppose that’s a crazy idea as a blog is not normally used for such things.

“I had parents exactly opposite from this individual. When I was very young, we had a missionary in our home for dinner. As we talked around the table, I felt free to ask him a question. In response, he complimented me for asking the question and encouraged me to continue that practice. Interesting how that one complement thrust me forward to get to know people by asking questions. This was also a lesson for me in later years to encourage and strengthen children in little and big ways. You never know the effect it will have.

“I think you’ve done programs on asking good questions. Always an excellent topic. Some people are so good at it and some are on the opposite spectrum.”

The elements of the ORA principle in Marilyn’s response I like how Marilyn O- observed what was going on inside of her after reading Emily’s comments. “I felt like crying.” While she couldn’t physically observe Emily, she pictured what it must have been like for her. This enabled Marilyn to R-reflect on her own experience of being in an environment that’s unfamiliar - just like the world of healthy relationships is unfamiliar to Emily. This really helped Marilyn identify with what Emily is going through

Another listener response to help a friend like Emily A second listener response comes from Randy in Pennsylvania. Randy writes:

“This evening, I listened again to this week's Podcast and the words compassion and empathy come to mind when you shared some of "Emily's" story. It reminds me of the broken world we live in. None of us are born into perfect families and no doubt the baggage, hurts, and scars can be passed on from one generation to another.

“I think of "Emily" as a little girl who was conditioned to think so poorly of herself. It defined her and her ability to relate to others because at home she was made to feel stupid which likely shut her down emotionally. Here she is around 40 years old living emotionally imprisoned to being the "bad, stupid, etc." girl that her abusive parents brought her up to think about herself.

“In many ways, I can relate as I regularly struggle with relational interactions and often feel like I don't go very deep with people. I can look at possible why's....a father who did not speak much.....showed his love through his work and providing not through his talking....he loved us dearly but his actions were his voice, not his mouth. My mom grew up with a very critical mother....hate to say it, but I picked up a bit of that type of thinking...

Act to help a friend “So, thinking back to ‘Emily’, whatever she can do to work on changing her self-talk ‘that she is stupid and can't make friends’ would be a big step forward. Think about working on changing her ‘mental Muscle Memory’ by replacing the negative thoughts with new, positive words, such as ‘I am deeply and completely loved by God…' something short and easy to repeat.

“John, this is a very good exercise as what you have done by sharing this story and seeking input helps us do our own processing with taking steps forward in our own growth and healing. Thanks!”

The ORA principle we see in Randy’s response Randy O-observed the compassion and empathy that rose within him as he heard Emily’s story. He observed what her childhood was like as Emily shared parts of it. It caused Randy to R-reflect on his own growing-up years, which allowed him to more easily identify with Emily. He also offered some A-Action Emily could take.

He puts it this way, whatever she can do to work on changing her self-talk "that she is stupid and can't make friends" would be a big step forward. Think about working on changing her "mental Muscle Memory" by replacing the negative thoughts with new, positive words.

So what does all this mean for YOU? There are people like Emily all around us. Maybe you’re even one of them. Adults, who as children, were never modeled what good relationships look like. People just stuck in their relationships because they don’t know what they don’t know.

This ORA model of relating is a simple way of remembering what you can do to help a friend. We just touched upon the surface of the 3 components of this principle. There’s so much more to observing, reflecting, and acting that we don’t have time to cover here. After season 7 of the podcast ends next week, I plan to spend more time developing this concept so I can pass it on to you.

If you forget everything else from today’s episode, here’s the one thing I hope you remember Today’s episode about how to help a friend struggling with relationships shows that the ORA principle of deepening relationships is a useful relational tool. Observe by watching and listening. Reflect upon what you observe and what it could mean. Act based on what you’ve observed and reflected upon.

Closing Finally, I want to stay in touch with you from time to time after season 7 ends next week

If you’re on my email list, I’ll occasionally send you information I come across that I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships.

But if you’re not getting my Wednesday email already, you’re not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to get on the list.

In closing, I’d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to think about how you can apply this simple relationship model, ORA, with the people in your life. It comes in handy for all kinds of relational interactions, especially when you want to help a friend.

I have one more listener response to Emily’s dilemma that I’ll share with you next week in episode 200 to close out season seven. And then I’ll share my own thoughts and response to Emily’s challenges.

I know you’re going to like next week’s program, and I’m confident you will find it helpful. But until then, don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time, for the last time, in season 7. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 021: The Most Important Relationship of All

063: Six Reasons Why We’re Not More Curious About People

088: Get Them to say “Thank You for Asking”

Last week’s episode 198: Read Your Way to Better Relationships in 2023

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

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In episode 192 I explained my rationale for suggesting that our word of the year for this year should be READ. Go to johncertalic.com/192 If you missed it. Reading about relationships is a simple way to enjoy better relationships in 2023. For example, in today’s show, I share an article I read recently that I found quite freeing when it comes to dealing with a delicate relationship issue. It’s a relationship concept I read about that I’m sure you will find helpful, too.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Reminder about last week's episode Before I share the article I read about the sensitive relationship issue I mentioned, I want to remind you of how we left off with last week’s episode, #197, “We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know.” This is the one where a listener I called Emily wrote in to say in that she doesn’t have any close friends, doesn’t understand how relationships work, and feels overwhelmed by them.

I asked you for suggestions on what to say to someone like her. So I’d appreciate your thoughts on this matter, and so would Emily. You can send them in an email to me, john@caringforothers.org, or you can leave them in the “Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes. I will need them soon.

If you missed that episode, you can find it johncertalic.com/197. I’ll have a link to it below.

All right. On to this relationship article I’ve been referring to. It recently appeared in the Wall Street Journal, much of which I’m quoting here. It will help you devlope better relationships in 2023.

"Simple Condolences Are Underrated" “Both my parents died in the past few months, leaving me an orphan in midlife. As I am an only child, they took with them the remembered archives of their marriage and my girlhood. The loss is tremendous.

“The language to mark it isn’t. ‘I am so sorry,’ people say. ‘You are in my thoughts,’ or ‘for short, ‘My condolences.’ I used to think that simple statements like these, which seem like platitudes show a lack of sensitivity and imagination. I thought that sympathy needed to be buffered through personalized language that reflected the character of the dead person and anticipated the state of mind of the survivor.

“In years gone by, I spent ages at my desk, straining to come up with something fresh to say to a grieving friend, and once or twice felt so inadequate to the task that I didn’t say anything."

You don’t have to be creative "How I regret that now. Until my parents died, I had no idea how welcome simplicity can be. A statement such as ‘ Our hearts are with you ‘ doesn’t feel canned when your heart is aching. It feels like consolation. Traditional condolences convey that the thing that’s happened is so profound that novelty is beside the point. In their accessibility, the standard phrases acknowledge the universality of loss. And given their formulaic nature, they make possible a simple and painless response.

“‘Thank you, I really appreciate that,’ I’ve said countless times these past weeks. And you know what? I’ve meant it every time. I really appreciated the expression of fellow feelings. I really have appreciated people’s use of compassion shorthand that lets them off having to say something original and lets me off having to talk about how I’m feeling or go into detail about how it all came about.

“My parents were unique and irreplaceable….. That these two people should leave the world before their daughter is as commonplace as winter snow in midcoast Maine where they lived …… It has taken many generations to refine the words of bereavement to an elegant sufficiency. I now understand that there’s no need to come up with a custom-designed remark when someone dies. What sounds like a platitude will do nicely.”

Meghan Cox-Gurdon. the author of The Enchanted Hour: The Marvelous Power of Reading Aloud in the Age of Distraction.

So here’s what I learned from what I read: I don’t need to be creative or profound when greeting a person who has lost someone they loved. This sure takes the pressure off. I hope it does for you, too. What a freeing truth I learned to help make for better relationships in 2023.

And it came from something I read.

So what does all this mean for YOU? If you want better relationships in 2023, or any year for that matter, what are you reading these days to help yourself in this area? It’s easy to complain about the state of some of our relationships. But they can improve if we make an effort to read how to do it.

For we can learn from the experiences of others who write about what works in their relationships, and what doesn’t.

The “I’m sorry for your loss” article is one small example. There are even better ones found in the Bible. Romans 12 in the New Testament and the Book of Proverbs in the Old Testament are jam-packed with relationship wisdom we can put into practice today. I’ve done past episodes about these sources that can help you achieve better relationships in 2023. I’ll have links to them in the show notes below.

If you forget everything else from today’s episode, here’s the one thing I hope you remember You will enjoy better relationships in 2023 when you read how to develop and nurture them from wise authors who know what they’re talking about it. While there’s a lot of questionable relationship advice floating around out there, there is much relational wisdom available to us if we look in the right places. The Bible is one such place.

Closing In closing, I’d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show to read something that will help you achieve better relationships in 2023.

Lastly, I mentioned in last week’s episode that season 7 would be ending with episode 200 in just two weeks. I’ll then be taking a break from podcasting for a time to work on a few projects to better serve you. I’ll still be writing about relationships from time to time and I’d like to keep you in the know.

If you’re on my email list I’ll send you articles like I just read that I come across that I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships.

But if you’re not getting my Wednesday email, you’re not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time for episode 199, just two left before season 7 closes down. Goodbye for now.

Last week’s episode 197: We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

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I’ve said before in past episodes how much I value feedback from people like you. In today’s show, for example, I share a listener reaction to a show from awhile back. It illustrates the concept that when it comes to relationships, sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know. But before we get into the challenging comments from this listener, and how they could very well apply to your life, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach. I'm here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button. Then enter your name and email address in the fields above it.

The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Season seven is coming to a close Before we get into today's episode about the challenging comments from a listener, there’s a housekeeping matter I need to tell you about. You are listening to episode 197 at the moment, and if my math is right, episode number 200 will be upon us in just a few weeks. That will bring us to the end of season seven of You Were Made for This.

I’m then going to take a break from these weekly podcasts to work on a few things I’ve been wanting to do in order to serve you better. I plan to take some of the content of our 200 episodes, update the material where needed, and re-purpose some of it in written form. Maybe in video as well. I don’t know. I have more ideas than I have time to implement them. Well, see.

Having said this, I don’t want to take a break from staying in touch with you. Even though there will be no new episodes for a while after #200, we can still stay connected by occasional emails now and then. If you’ve been getting my Wednesday email about that week’s podcast, you’re good to go. There’s nothing more you need to do.

But if you’re not getting my Wednesday email, I’d like you to join my email list so I can stay in touch with you about the things I’m working on - and what I’m learning about relationships. Just go to johncertalic.com/follow to sign up.

Often I come across stories I think you would find interesting, and sending you an email about them from time to time would be the easiest way to get them to you since the podcast will be in hiatus for a time.

Back to our regularly scheduled program Last fall, someone I’ll call Emily (not her real name) stumbled upon Episode 063: “Six Reasons Why We’re Not More Curious About People.” I’ll have a link to it in the show notes. But if your are driving, or otherwise preoccupied, just remember johncertalic.com/063.

Emily came across this episode 2½ years after it first aired. Listen as I read her comments about it.

We don’t know what we don’t know “I found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is ‘wrong with me.’

“Now almost 40 years old, I’m so frustrated by the fact that I don’t have any real, close friendships.

“I don’t know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be… I have no idea what to ask. I feel like I don’t even know how personal relationships work. I don’t know how often you’re supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives you should be involved in, or how often to reach out… it sounds so silly but it’s my reality! I don’t know how to make and keep friends.

“I’m sure I come off as selfish and self-centered… But really I just don’t know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.”

I’ll have more to say about Emily’s comments later, but for now I’ll say she’s experiencing the challenge many of us face when we don’t know what we don’t know.

So what does Emily’s response to an episode that first dropped 2½ years ago have to do with you? What it has to do with you is that at one time or another you will have people in your life who feel the same way Emily does. Friends, family members, maybe one of your own children! Maybe even you. People experiencing what Emily is going through challenge us in how to relate and care for them.

For the past 194 episodes of this podcast we’ve talked about relationship skills and principles in one form or another. So I’d like us to try something. Let’s use Emily’s story to put into practice what you’ve learned about relationships. Let’s use her situation as a case study of what to do when we don’t know what we don’t know.

To begin, how do you react internally to her words? How did you feel inside about what she shared? Then, what would you do or say to Emily in response to her comments? I’m really interested in your thoughts on this one. Let’s see what all of us can learn in how to relate to someone like this.

Leave your thoughts in the comment box at the bottom of the show notes, or send them to me in an email. (john@caringforothers.org) If you want to remain anonymous, that’s fine, just let me know.

Now, I know many of you are driving while you listen to the podcast or you’re doing other things like folding laundry, shoveling snow, or finally putting away your Christmas decorations. So I’ll repeat what Emily said so you can think about how you would respond to her if the two of you were in a coffee shop having a private conversation with each other.

How would you respond to Emily? Listen carefully to what goes on inside of you as you hear her comments, and then what would you do or say if she said the following:

“I found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is ‘wrong with me.’

We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions.

“Now almost 40 years old, I’m so frustrated by the fact that I don’t have any real, close friendships.

“I’m sure I come off as selfish and self-centered… But really I just don’t know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.”

I’ve got some thoughts of my own about Emily’s comments, but I’ll wait to share them until after I hear from you.

If you forget everything else from today’s episode, here’s the one thing I hope you remember We don’t know what we don’t know is often the case when it comes to relationships, especially when we’re lonely. We all need each other to show us what we don’t know. To tell us what’s true about us when we can’t see it ourselves.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s topic about we don’t know what we don’t know, and how it applies to the listener comments from Emily.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 063: Six Reasons Why We’re Not More Curious About People 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All

All past and future episodes: JohnCertalic.com

Last week’s episode 196: How Will You Be Remembered?

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I received a touching email the other day that got me thinking about how I want to be remembered when my time on earth comes to an end. The email is a brief and beautiful story from one of my favorite authors that I share in today’s show. My guess is that after you hear it, you will want to reflect on how you want to be remembered too.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

The author of one of my all-time favorite books One of the top five books I’ve ever read is Quiet - The Power of Introverts in A World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. I’ve mentioned the book in previous episodes, and I think at some point I should do a deeper dive review of it. She has a new book that came out late last year in 2022 that is also worthy of a review, Bittersweet - How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole.

I’ll have links to both books in the show notes.

With two books under her belt, and online courses she developed, Susan Cain also started a weekly email newsletter, which I signed up for.

Sign up for my own weekly email newsletter As a side note here, many of the listeners to this podcast also get my weekly email which gives a brief description of that week’s episode. If you’re not getting this yourself every Wednesday, and would like to, go to johncertalic.com, scroll a few inches down the page, and under “Actionable relationship insights delivered weekly to your inbox,” enter your name and email address.

Okay. Back to Susan Cain and the story she tells in the recent email she wrote. Here’s what she said:

On my way to tennis a few weeks ago, I realized I forgot my water bottle at home. I pulled into a gas station and asked if they sold water.

"We have no store," said the attendant. Then he looked at me, went to his office, and came back with two bottles of Poland Spring. I pulled out my wallet. “No, no,” he said, waving off my dollars with a wistful smile. “You have the face of my mother.”

The man wasn’t young; he wore a turban and spoke with a heavy accent; he was far from his childhood home. I imagine it’s been many years since he last saw his mother. I drove away with tears in my eyes. The gift he gave me that day was precious as water itself.

This is why we’re alive – for moments like this…

What a beautiful line, This is why we’re alive – for moments like this… I’ll come back to it in a little bit Her encounter with the gas station attendant reminded me of a similar event I experienced last summer.

A similar encounter My wife Janet and I wanted to get together with our three local grandkids, so we offered to take them out to dinner one evening. They wanted to go to Mod Pizza. It’s one of those chain restaurants where you go through a line and they make a personal pizza for each person. It looks like an assembly line where they add any of the ingredients you want onto your pizza, and then they stick it in a blazing stone oven. You go sit down at a table and they call you when your individual pizza is done and out of the oven.

So there we were in line, Janet, our three adult-size grandkids all taller than her, and me at the end of the line. As we waited, we joked around with each other until it was our turn to order. One by one each person in our party told the pizza preparer the ingredients they each wanted on their pizza.

The person behind the counter making our pizzas was a friendly sort in her mid-20s; working a part-time job was my guess. I was last in line and when it came to my turn to order, she looked up at me from the last pizza she had just finished, smiled, and said in a surprised and cheerful tone.

“Oh, you look just like my father.”

I smiled back at her and quickly bantered with her saying, “I bet he is a very handsome man."

She paused briefly, and then smiled again and said wistfully, “Yeah, he was. He died 6 months ago. You remind me of him.”

A reflective moment I don’t remember what I said next. Did I say “Oh, I’m sorry for your loss?” I don’t remember. I was so taken by her smile and the nostalgic expression on her face that spoke volumes about her relationship with her father. Here is a young woman who loved her father, who felt loved by him, and who was so very grateful for this loving relationship they shared. It was all over her face.

I enjoy being with our grandkids every time we’re together. But all I could of the rest of this evening was this 20-something pizza preparer. Her smile told me her father must have been a good man, a good father. It was a bittersweet moment to be thought of like him. I felt honored.

It made me wonder how I’ll be remembered by my wife and kids, and grandkids when I’m gone. What will they think of me 6 months after the funeral? Will they smile fondly as the pizza preparer did to me?

“This is why we’re alive - for moments like this.” Earlier I mentioned that I was taken by the line from Susan Cain’s email that I quoted, “This is why we’re alive - for moments like this.”

We all leave something of ourselves behind, intentionally or not. Something of ourselves that blesses people and invokes gratitude, or sadly, sometimes just the opposite. We’re connected with each other more than we realize.

I would like to be remembered for how I related to people. Was I kind to others? Did I bring out the best in people? Was I humble? Above all, did I reflect well the character of God, which is why I was brought into the world in the first place? It’s why you and Susan Cain were brought into the world, as well. It’s the best way to be remembered after we’ve left this life.

Sometimes that’s all we need to know about who we are and how we are to live. This is why we’re alive - for moments like this.

Another connection point Getting back to Susan Cain’s email and her story about the gas station attendant, she said

If you’ve had an experience like this (or a distant cousin to this), I would love to hear about it. (I read every single one of your e-mails, and do my best to reply to some of them.)

So I wrote back to her and summarized the story I just told you about the pizza preparer who said I reminded her of her father who died six months earlier.

A week later I received an email from a person by the name of Renee, who indicated she was Susan Cain’s chief of Staff. Her email said,

Dear John --

Susan read and loved your letter. It gave her goosebumps!

She asked me to tell you she was so happy you wrote to her and that you're part of our community. We wish you the very best!

— R

My best, Renee

Here’s another connection. My mother’s name was Renee. She died 10 years ago.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life?

I think God used the 20-something pizza preparer to cause me to reflect on how I want to be remembered. I thought her father is someone I’d like to be like. Where 6 months after my funeral, the family will be out for pizza and they’ll see someone that reminds them of me. And it will bring a smile to everyone’s face.

I can’t control what their response will be after I’m gone. What I can control now is my behavior, attitude, and values which gives me the best chance of being remembered well.

The same is true for you, too. How do you want to be remembered? It’s not too late to start being the person you want to be. And if you’re about 80% there, rejoice and be glad in the progress you’ve made. Trust God to help you with the other 20% as you get closer to the finish line.

If you forget everything else from today’s episode, here’s the one thing I hope you remember It’s wise to think now about how you will be remembered. You still have time to become the best version of yourself that will make people smile after you’re gone.

Closing

Before we wrap up today’s show, if you’d like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you’re dealing with, I’d love to hear from you. Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to leave me a voicemail. If you’d rather put your question in writing, enter it in the Comment box at the bottom of the show notes.

I’ll do my best to answer your question in a future episode.

In closing, I’d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to think about how you want to be remembered, and what you might need to do to make that happen.

For when you think and reflect upon things like this, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Remind them of someone good in their life. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 130: Be Thankful We Can Make Memories for People

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Susan Cain’s books

Bittersweet - How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole

Quiet - The Power of Introverts in A World That Can’t Stop Talking

Last week’s episode 195: Words Matter https://www.johncertalic.com/podcast/words-matter/

All past and future episodes: JohnCertalic.com

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In today’s program, I’m going to share three listener responses to recent episodes. I’m doing so because your words matter to me, and to our other listeners, as well. Keep listening, and you’ll pick up an idea or two to try with your relationships.

Be sure to stick around to the end to hear a story of how a listener applied what she heard in one of our recent shows that made a difference in her life.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

A listener responds to “The Underachievers Bible Reading Plan for 2023.” The first listener response I’m sharing is in reference to episode 193, “ The Underachievers Bible Reading Plan for 2023.” It comes from Randy, a listener from Pittsburgh. He writes:

“Good morning John,

I listened this morning to this week’s You Were Made for This. I appreciated how you described an approach to engaging with scripture. It reminded me of what I’ve been doing for the last year, since bringing Tiana into our family. (Tiana is their new family dog) As I am reading passages, I place a mark when I’ve completed a section. I also have my stack of prayer cards I use as my bookmark. “

Thanks for your feedback, Randy. I should add that in the show notes for that week’s episode, I included a photo of me reading the Bible, with our new cat, Father Patrick O’Malley, sitting on my lap. So I think that may have reminded Randy of doing the same thing with their dog. And good luck with your new pal, Randy!

Words matter in the Bible - Listen, rather than read them Another listener, Darlene, also offered her take on the same episode about Bible reading. She offered a different approach that I will have to try. Darlene writes,

“This is the second year I’ve been doing the Daily Audio Bible (DAB) with Brian, Jill, and their daughter, China Hardin. Last year I decided to listen to the chronological reading with Jill and China. That was my first chronological experience. Very interesting. We didn’t get to the New Testament until October.

“This year I am doing the read-through with Brian Hardin who reads portions of the OT, NT, PS, and PROV each day. He is excellent with his brief overviews after each daily reading. What I also like is that every week he reads from a different translation.

“I think I’ve read through the Bible once. It is a challenge not to get behind. The audio is great as I can play it each morning while getting ready.”

Thank you, Darlene, for your comments about reading the 66 books of the Bible in chronological order, and also for the idea of listening to an audio version of the Bible. I’ll have a link to the Daily Audio Bible near the end of the show notes. It includes a free app for your mobile device and a web player for your computer.

How words matter to this listener The last listener feedback I’m sharing with you today comes from Rosy Scott in response to episode 192, “Word of the Year for 2023 - Read”

As I read her comments, you’ll see how words matter a great deal to her. Listen to the impact they had on her recently. Rosy writes,

“John, “I really like the simplicity of your word of the year. In past years I’ve chosen a motivating word, but within months could not even remember what I had picked.

“I listened to this episode twice in the past two days and have landed on my own simple word for 2023. This year I am choosing ‘words’ for my own word of the year.

“Words are a renewable resource that cost me so little to share. When I am generous with them, they often brighten my own soul as much as the recipient.

“It is surprising how often taking a chance and offering the gift of words brings a positive result far greater than the painless effort.

“Words have the power to give life and cause pain. I have experienced both this year and can testify that when I share words of kindness, there is no better medicine for my own wounds or loneliness.

Words matter with strangers “Just this morning as I began a morning jog down a familiar street, an unexpected stranger waved. Then she called out to me with a smile ‘enjoy your run!’

“Those simple but generous words fueled me to stop two blocks later to talk for just a minute with another person I’ve occasionally seen walking her 3-legged dog for the last many months.

“Thanks to words, both of us parted with smiles in our hearts as those easy sixty seconds, combined with some previously shared words, pointed us toward potential friendship.

“Thanks to your words John, I am going to be more intentional about using words to connect with both strangers and friends.

“And thanks to lessons I learned the hard way in 2022, treat words with the healthy fear and respect they deserve.

“Perhaps 2023 will become my year to use words for healing and repair, instead of destruction which comes so much easier than I am often willing to admit. Until the damage has already been done.

“Thank you for your generosity with words via your podcast and weekly email! Blessings to you in the coming year…”

And thank you, Rosy, for your beautifully written words. I love the examples you give of their power to bless people. May you, and the rest of us, hear kind, empowering, and compassionate WORDS spoken to us this year. And may we speak these same kinds of words ourselves to others who need to hear them.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode Words matter. Our words to others and their words to us. They have the power to bless or destroy. Be careful what we speak, hear, and read. Use them wisely and with care to bless others and ourselves. Treasure the truth we find in them.

Closing Before we wrap up today’s show, if you’d like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you’re dealing with, I’d love to hear from you. Just go to the contact page on our website, johncertalic.com to let me know what’s on your mind. I’ll do my best to answer your question in a future episode.

In closing, I’d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and enter them in the Leave a Comment box.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to treasure the truth we find in the words we speak, and those we hear. Because words matter.

When you do this, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. You Were Made for This, as you know by now.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows Daily Audio Bible - https://dailyaudiobible.com/

Episode 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Episode 021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week’s show 194: Martin Luther King, jr. - The Silence of Our Friends

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Here in the US, the third Monday of January is a national holiday to honor Dr. Martin Luther King, jr., the civil rights leader. I recently came across one of his quotes where he said

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. ”

I’ve seen the truth of his comment played out several times in my life. It's what I talk about in today’s episode because it speaks to a relational skill we would do well to master. But first,

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

The day our pastor yelled at me When I first read the quote from Martin Luther King an incident popped up into my mind, like a jack-in-the-box that just sprung loose. It was the time the silence of my friends drowned out the words of my “enemy.” It happened the night the pastor of the church yelled at me.

A deacon board meeting at church (we had no elder board at the time) A concern we talked about that evening was people leaving the church
The 8 of us sat at several tables arranged in a horseshoe. I suggested we contact those leaving and ask why. Do exit interviews
The pastor got angry, and while pounding his fist on a table said to me, “We don’t need to do that. I know why people are leaving. It’s families where the wife wears the pants in the family. Those are the people who are leaving the church!”
His take on the problem was completely inaccurate. His anger caught me and everyone else off guard. I never considered him my “enemy.” But what struck me most about that evening and what I remember to this day was the “silence of my friends” sitting at that board meeting with me.
Without regard to the pastor’s analysis of the issue, which in my view was woefully inaccurate, no one said anything in the meeting. Notjhing about his yelling at me and pounding his fist on the table. Even if you agreed with the pastor’s view, it was inappropriate to respond as he did.

The silence of our friends * No one said a word to him, or to me, and I felt like I was hanging in the wind because no one called the pastor out for his outburst * Who are these people I thought? Are they that weak? * Days latter an older man on the board, my father’s age, did tell me privately that the pastor’s reaction to my suggestion was totally inappropriate. But he said nothing at the meeting * As I think about that night, I think about the times I’ve been weak myself in failing to speak the truth when someone needed defending. * I can think of two occasions where I failed to stand up strongly enough for two different youth pastors in two different churches. Both of these guys were great youth pastors. In one case, the board was legalistic and intolerant of new ways of doing youth ministry, and in the other, the senior pastor was intimidated by how gifted his youth pastor was in relating to people, and in his preaching, which was superior to his own.

Others who spoke for me when I couldn't speak for myself These examples of “the silence of our friends” reminds me of several times when people actually did stand up for me. When they spoke for me. As a high school student, an English teacher recognized that I was capable of higher-level academic work and advocated for me to be placed on a more advanced track.

In my book, THEM, I write about a guidance counselor who was able to get financial aid for me to attend college 250 miles from home when I had no hope of ever getting any help. It’s no exaggeration to say that what she did changed the course of my life. For the better.

There are times in life when we could all use an advocate. And there are times when God presents us with opportunities to be an advocate for others. To speak on their behalf when they can’t speak for themselves.

Ending my silence to speak for those who couldn’t A number of years ago I was at an annual meeting of the church we were attending. These are normally pretty dull affairs, at least for me. But in this particular meeting, there was a discussion about a missionary couple the church had been supporting for many years. The plan at this meeting was to stop supporting this couple because they were “retiring” and moving back to the US. People seemed in favor of this idea.

But I knew this coupleI knew that their definition of “retiring” was to return back to the US and continue the Bible translation work they had been doing for people groups in Asia for several decades. They didn’t need to be in Asia to do their work, but they still planned to travel back there on occasion. They were going to be working just as hard in the US as they were in Asia.

I’m not one to speak up in meetings like this, but I did this time. I couldn’t sit in silence while decisions were made about them. Fortunately, that original proposal was dropped, and their support continued.

Speaking up for teenagers * I was a teacher back in the ‘70s at a high school in a semi-rural area in S.E. Wisconsin * Kids, mostly boys complained about the poor condition of the student parking lot behind the school. Lots of potholes. Suspension systems being ruined. It was a mess. * The students voiced their complaints, but nothing was done to correct the problem My solution: check with the police and see if there is anything prohibiting parking along the highway in front of the school. If it’s legal to park there, start doing that and see what happens. So that’s what they did. * It caught the attention of everyone. Within a couple of months, the city passed a “no parking” ordinance and put up signs along the highway in front of the school. Eventually, the parking lot was repaired. * It brought me joy seeing these kids getting their voices heard. Their actions broke the silence of the school administration in ways their words could not. * It’s been decades since this happened and several years ago I happened to be driving past this old high school where I taught and saw that the “No Parking” signs are still there.

So what does all this mean for YOU? It’s just a couple of days past the Martin Luther King holiday here in the US, and it makes me wonder how the quote of his I mentioned in the beginning has been part of your experience. Where you remember not so much the words of your enemies as you do the silence of your friends.

It also makes me wonder if you are anything like me, where your silence, is like mine. And it has kept you from speaking up for someone who can’t speak for themself. Is there anyone you think God may want you to advocate for?

We certainly are not to speak up about everything. And many times the wisest thing to do is to sit in our silence and watch what happens.

It takes Godly wisdom to know when to speak, and when to remain silent.

Here’s the main of the episode I hope you take away with you Here in the week where we honor Martin Luther King, jr. let’s take his words to heart and not become one of those he mentions in his statement, “We remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” Let’s pray for wisdom to know when, and how, to speak up and give voice to those who can’t speak for themself.

I’ll do my best to answer your question in a future episode.

In closing, I’d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard about speaking up for others who need you.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes. Then click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

The place to access all past and future episode: JohnCertalic.com

Last week’s episode 193: The Underachievers Bible Reading Plan for 2023

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Last week’s episode, number 192, was about my pick for word for the year: Read. If you’re not much of a reader and can only tackle one book this year, I suggest read the Bible. Some people follow a Bible Reading plan that gets them through the entire book in one year.

But if you’re an underachiever like me, I’ve got a more manageable, guilt-free way to read the Bible. Keep listening to learn what it is and how it could work for you.

But before we get into all this, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Intimidated by Pat Boone I recently read a Wall Street Journal article about Pat Boone entitled “Last of the Hollywood Squares.” It was about how this actor, whom I’m guessing is about 420 years old by now, has capitalized on his squeaky-clean image throughout his career. He stands in stark contrast to the typical Hollywood actor that comes to mind these days.

The article talked about Pat Boone’s faith and that he has read through the entire Bible for each of the past 40 years. 40 Years! Yikes!

Read through the Bible in a year People like this intimidate me. I’ve read through the entire Bible I think 3 times. But I’m clearly an underachiever when compared to Pat Boone. I followed a Bible reading plan that each day of the year included chapters from the old testament, the new testament, and the book of psalms. I would read the selected passages for the day, and then put a checkmark in the box next to that day's reading.

I’m glad I did this. I saw themes and issues that repeated themselves that gave me insight as to what is important to God, which in turn showed me how I should then live.

If you like feeling a sense of accomplishment, this type of plan works well. The downside to this reading plan for underachievers like me is that some days I’m just reading to be able to check off the box that I completed the task. Some days I was reading just to read, and not to draw closer to God and understand him better. That’s the underachiever in me.

Another downside, if this is the first time you’re considering reading through the Bible in a year, is that we’re already 11 days into the new year as of the date of this episode. It puts you 11 days behind most Bible reading plans.

Another option But I have an alternative I’d like you to consider. Last summer I came across an idea from a Bible teacher I heard at a Christian family camp we’ve been going to for years. As an aside to whatever he was talking about that day, he said in passing,

“If you want to get to know Jesus better, read just 3 chapters a day from the Gospels, and you’ll finish all four of them in a month.”

I started doing that on September 1, but by the middle of the month I got behind, and then on some days couldn’t figure out where I ended the day before so I could start the next day’s reading. As an underabhvier, this was not surprising. So I came up with a slightly different Bible reading plan. This one could work for you, too.

My Underachievers Bible reading plan for 2023 is to still stick with just reading a portion of the four gospels every day this year. It will mean going over the four Gospels several times during the course of 2023.

The difference between this plan and the one from the Bible teacher I heard last summer, is that sometimes I’ll read 3 chapters in a day, sometimes 2, and maybe even 4 chapters. Plus, it’s easier to keep track of. Here’s how it works.

Here’s how it works Open your Bible and start reading the first complete chapter that begins on the page on your left. Continue reading onto the page on the right side. Start any new chapter that starts on the right-hand page, and don’t stop until you’ve completed reading the chapter. This will usually mean turning the page, and finishing up that chapter on the next page on your left. You stop here for the day. Tomorrow, you pick up where you left off with a new complete chapter on the page on your left. It’s rinse and repeat every day.

For example, today I opened my Bible to the page where I placed the burgundy bookmark ribbon yesterday after finishing that day’s reading. I’m in the Gospel of John at the moment. The left page continues the text from the end of John 12 from yesterday’s reading. I started today’s reading with the first complete chapter on the left-hand page, chapter 13.

It continues onto the right page and ends there. Chapter 14 starts here, and then I turn the page to get to the rest of chapter 14, which ends in the middle of the page and where I stop for the day. I place my bookmark here, which tells me where I start the next day.

So you start each day with a new complete chapter, and you end each day finishing a chapter.

Using a bookmark eliminates the need to check off a box for a pre-determined reading for a particular day. If you’re a box checker-offer, type, this approach may not work for you. But for underachievers like me, this bible reading plan works well for getting to know Jesus better.

Here’s what I’ve noticed I’ve been doing this for four months now, just reading through the four gospels multiple times as I’ve described. Here are a few things I’ve noticed in my reading.

The story never gets old. It’s like looking at a painting several times over a period of time and seeing something new each time you see it again.
I’ve seen how much Jesus spoke against the religious leaders of the day and their hypocrisy. How they misled people and were out to hold onto the power they had over people
How much Jesus loved people
The lengths to which Jesus used simple stories to illustrate profound truths
How a relationship with Jesus is not as hard as we make it. In John 6:28-29 a crowd of people who weren’t quite sure what they thought of Jesus say to him. “…we want to perform God’s work, too. What should we do? Jesus replies,

“This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent.”

Let that sink in for a minute.

Religion at times makes it harder to get to know Jesus.
I don’t remember where in the gospels I read it, but there’s a scene where the disciple are walking with Jesus around town and pointing out buildings to him. I find this humorous and wonder if the gospel writer saw it too, this guided tour telling Jesus what he was already well aware of. It made me chuckle.

So what does all this mean for YOU? I’ve said it many times before that this podcast is all about finding joy in the relationships God designed for us. The most important relationship is our relationship with Jesus. Following a bible reading plan, any plan, helps nurture that relationship.

You will find more joy in life the more you read about Jesus and what he tells you. He will be the most impactful person you can read about this year. Take time to discover more about Him this year, a little each day, following a bible reading plan.

Here’s the main idea I hope you take away from today’s episode Reading through the whole Bible this year is one of the most enriching things you can do for yourself. But if this seems too daunting a task right now, give reading 2 or 3 chapters a day from the Gospels a try. Cut yourself some slack, and it’s okay if you miss a day here and there.

I’ll do my best to answer your question in a future show.

In closing, I’d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice a Bible reading plan to get to know Jesus better.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Ask people what they’re reading these days. Tell them what you’re reading. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week’s episode 192: Word of the Year for 2023 - Read

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I received an email recently from a fellow podcaster. He mentioned how he picks a word at the beginning of January to help him stay focused for the year. His 2022 word of the year was “celebrate.” For 2023 he chose “authentic.”

Apparently lots of people are choosing a word of the year for themselves. I googled the phrase “Word of the Year for 2023” and found 1,060,000,000 entries. Keep listening to hear my pick for word of the year for 2023 and what it could mean for you.

Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Word of the Year for 2023 Some people like to pick a word for the year at the end of the year to summarize what life has been like for them over the past 12 months. The dictionary people at Merriam-Webster, for example, chose “gaslighting” as their word of the year for 2022. They say it has come to mean “the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for a personal advantage.” The word has an interesting origin and a more robust definition, but we’ll have to save that for another episode.

Like my podcaster friend, though, I would rather come up with a word of the year at the beginning of the year, not at the end.

So my pick for word of the year for 2023 is “Read.”

Why “Read”? Here’s why I picked this word, rather than any number of other worthwhile words. It starts with a quote I recently came across that I’ve found to be so insightful. It comes from William Nicholson, the playwright most famous for his play, Shadowlands, the story of C.S. Lewis and his relationship with Joy Gresham whom he eventually marries. Again that’s a subject for another podcast.

Be that as it may, Nicholson says

“We read to know we are not alone.”

I find this rather profound. It speaks to the issue of loneliness which plagues many of us, me included, and offers a remedy. We read to know we are not alone.

A text I read recently Here is an example of something I read recently about someone’s experience that resonated with me, and reminded me I’m not alone. It’s a text I received that I’ve altered slightly to protect the privacy of a listener who wrote it. I’ll call her Emily. She writes

Well, I just listened to your Podcast 187, “Angels We Have Heard On High.” You asked if anyone wanted to share a Christmas Memory. You did have a deadline, and I missed it. However, I wanted to share with you what I discovered when I asked my husband James if he had a joyful Christmas memory that stood out in his mind. He thought and thought and couldn’t come up with one.

So now I understand why he has never been excited about Christmas in our 52 years of marriage. Has never done any Christmas shopping…didn’t participate in any decorating…I cannot remember getting a gift that he shopped for…and at work, he was known as the “grinch.” It caused more stress in our relationship which ultimately caused me to stop Christmas shopping, and I do very little decorating. So, thanks to you, John, I at least now understand “why.”

Greater appreciation of people comes from reading their story I so identify with both people in this little story. Like, James. I can’t think of a joyful Christmas memory from my childhood. I have many as an adult, but none as a kid. But I also got the sense that James has no adult joyful memories of Christmas either. I feel fortunate that I’ve been able to not let the dysfunctional part of my past interfere with the joy of the present.

On the one hand, I felt encouraged by what I read in Emily’s text. I so easily could have been like her husband James, and her text reminded me of how blessed I am that God saved me from being stuck in my past. I wish the same would be true for James.

And at the same time, I feel sad for Emily because her husband hampers her Christmas experience, and sadness for the stress it has caused her. I admire people like Emily who choose to honor her marriage vows despite the conflicts and pain that arise from time to time. How many marriages do you know that have lasted 52 years?

The Word of the Year for me in 2023, “Read,” gives me a greater appreciation for the values and character of the people like Emily who cross my path. And it only happened because of something I read, namely her text.

A joyful email I read Another podcast listener, Marilyn from Minnesota, has written to me before. This time she wrote to share a joyful Christmas memory, even though it came in after the Christmas deadline. But I’m going to share it anyway. I loved reading it, and I think you’ll love hearing it. It’s a story her mother told her. Marilyn writes,

My grandfather was born and raised in England where he was apprenticed as a "shipwright," a finish carpenter on large ships. When he immigrated to the US at age 21, he settled in a place far from big ships. He became a "finish carpenter" in homes in northern Indiana. The Great Depression hit his business hard as people decided to save the money they had for necessities.

There was a lake near grandpa's home and he took a job in the winter cutting huge blocks of ice from the lake for use in refrigeration. During this most difficult financial year, there was no money to buy a real Christmas tree (the only option at that time).

On Christmas Eve, he was walking home after cutting ice on Cedar Lake. There it was, lying in a heap, a discarded Christmas tree, complete with tinsel.

Apparently, a family was heading to relatives elsewhere and didn't want to come home to a dried-up Christmas tree in their house. Grandpa took the tree home, set it up, and surprised his family the next morning with everything needed for a joyous celebration!

God is at work in the stories we read Marilyn doesn’t mention “God” at all in her grandfather’s story, but can’t you see God’s hand in providing an unexpected Christmas tree at the last minute for this poor family? I would love to have been in the house on Christmas morning when everyone woke up to see that tinsel-laden Christmas tree. Imagine the joy that would have filled the room.

There are so many reasons why “read” is my vote for Word of The Year for 2023. One is that when we read stories of the lives of others, like the one Marilyn shared about her grandfather, we often see God at work. And when we see examples of God at work in the lives of others, it gives us hope that he is at work in our life as well. Reading her story about the Christmas tree reminds me of the verse in the Bible, John 5:17, where Jesus tells the Pharisees,

“My Father is always working, and so am I.”

So what does what you’ve heard today mean for YOU? If my Word of the Year for 2023 (read) doesn’t resonate with you, what word does? You have a lot to choose from. If you see possibilities in read for 2023, what are you going to read?

Today I only talked about the benefits of reading someone’s text, and another person’s email. We haven’t gotten into the rewards that come from reading books, newspapers, blogs, magazines, or other forms of the written word.

I’ll share more about this in next week’s episode. But for now, what are you going to read so that you know you are not alone?

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode “Read” is a good choice for Word of The Year for 2023. Reading what others experience connects us with people. Reading reminds us that we’re not alone in the struggles we face and that God is at work in them for our good.

Do you have a relationship question? Would you like some input regarding a relationship issue? If so, go to JohnCertalic.com/question to record your question using your phone or computer. If you’d rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes.

I’ll do my best to answer your question in a future episode.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Feel free to send me an email, or enter your thoughts in the “Leave a Comment” box at the end of the show notes. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show to set aside time to read. Go to a library and check out a book or two. Visit a bookstore.

If you make “Read” your Word of the Year for 2023 it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Tell a few people about what you’re reading. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week’s episode 191: Wanting the Joy of Christmas to Linger Awhile?

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You’re out there, I know you are. I can see you. You’re not quite ready to say goodbye to Christmas this year. You want the joy of Christmas to linger just a little while longer. I get it. I’ve got your back in today’s show. Keep listening, this one’s for you.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Christmas memories To keep the joy of Christmas rolling, I’ll start by reading a joyful Christmas memory shared by one of our listeners. Chris wrote:

A Christmas memory that stands out for me is going to a Christmas tree farm near Cross Plains, Wisconsin where we lived with dad and my siblings. I remember walking quite a bit to choose just the right tree, cutting it with our own saw, dragging it to the car and taking it home to decorate.

Then Kim, another listener, shared this joyful Christmas memory of hers:

My memory is going to my grandma’s house at Christmas and seeing her tree. She had a special ornament on her tree for every family member.. when we would get to her house we would always look for our ornament. Our name was written on the ornament. When my husband came into my life and when each of my children were born she designated an ornament for each of them. When she left her home she gave each family their ornaments. I now treasure those ornaments on my tree.

Lastly, Chris shared another Christmas memory when he wrote:

My grandparents had a beautiful old Swiss chalet on five acres in Madison Highlands with large rooms and high ceilings. The tree needed to be so large to fill the space that Papa would select a huge tree and cut off the top for our use.This worked out nicely for him because it served to also reopen the view of Lake Mendota in the distance from his property.

The places Chris refers to are in and around Madison, Wisconsin in the US.

Thanks for the memories So Chris and Mary, thanks for sharing those Christmas memories. The theme I see in all of them is the joy of relationships. Chris with his dad and siblings, Kim with her grandmother, and Chris again with his grandparents.

Previous episodes about the joy of Christmas Now for those of you who aren’t quite ready to say to put Christmas 2022 in the rearview mirror, I went back into our archives of past episodes and pulled out 13 of them that specifically deal with Christmas.

I’ve posted their titles and the links to them in the show notes, and I’ll say a little about each one to help you decide if you want to listen to one or more of them. If you’re driving to the store to return Christmas presents and aren’t prepared to write the links down, I’ve made it easy for you.

Each of these episodes can be accessed by going to JohnCertalic.com/ followed by the 3-digit episode number I’ll give you. I’ll start with the oldest episodes first and end with the most recent Christmas shows. And of course, this will all be in the show notes of this episode for you to look up.

The Gift of Even Though, JohnCertalic.com/004 I’ll start with the episode entitled “The Gift of Even Though” found at JohnCertalic.com/004. And that’s spelled John with an “h”, and Certalic, C-e-r-t-a-l-i-c. JohnCertalic.com/004.

It was the first of 3 related to Christmas gifts a few years ago. This particular episode is about a phone conversation I had with our 93-year-old friend Lorraine. We first met when Janet and I were freshmen in college. She and her husband Vern wanted to have children but weren’t able to, and we were like the children - now adults - she never had.

In a phone conversation with Lorraine, she talked about how grateful she was for the rich life she had lived, even though…she was not able to have what she truly wanted.

I shared the 5 values Janet and I learned from this childless couple a generation older than us. Values we learned from watching how they lived. They were a great gift to us by showing how to live even though the desires of one’s heart are never met. It’s one of my favorite episodes. JohnCertalic.com/004.

The Gift of Joy - Part 1, JohnCertalic.com/005 The second Christmas episode on my list is “The Gift of Joy - Part 1,” found at JohnCertalic.com/005. It’s an answer to the question, “What do I do when I need more joy in my life?” The answer is to share in the joy others experience, even when it has nothing to do with you. I tell two stories that show how to do this. One of which brought tears to my eyes. It’s one of my favorite episodes. JohnCertalic.com/005.

End the Year with Christmas Joy, JohnCertalic.com/006 Next on my list of the joy of Christmas episodes is “End the Year with Christmas Joy, found at JohnCertalic.com/006. In this show, I talk about how joy is more like a cat than a dog. Let that sink in for a minute. Listen to this one to learn how joy is more like a cat than a dog.

This leads to a story about the joy of Christmas found in a flash mob that appeared out of nowhere at a shopping mall food court a few weeks before Christmas. A choir dressed like all the other shoppers springs out from amongst the crowd to sing a rousing rendition of the “Hallelujah Chorus” from Handel’s Messiah.

I share a newspaper article about the event and what a moving experience it was for many who were there, and the joy of Christmas it brought into people’s lives. I include a link to the YouTube video of the flash mob scene near the bottom of the show notes for episode 006.

If you’re feeling down for whatever reason, do yourself a favor and watch the video clip. It’s one of my favorites. Again, go to JohnCertalic.com/006 for all the details.

Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made, JohnCertalic.com/045 On to the next one on the list. For me, the joy of Christmas would not be complete without watching the greatest Christmas movie ever made, It’s a Wonderful Life! In episode 045 I summarize the plot of the film, and then explain the relationship lessons that are rich gems below the surface of the storyline, namely:

Before is often better than now
People need our prayers
Good leaders are good with relationships
Keenly observing people enables us to help them
That which bothers us most often reveals the idols in our life
Relationships have the power to calm our hearts in the midst of stress and turmoil
When we pray for a solution to a problem, God often provides one we never could have imagined

This really is one of my favorite episodes. I could do a weekend workshop just on these seven relationship lessons from the movie. JohnCertalic.com/045.

Where Joy to the World is Found, JohnCertalic.com/046 Moving on, Episode 046 is “Where Joy to the World is Found.” Here’s a line from that show that summarizes what it’s all about: look for joy in the ordinary, in the simple, that’s hiding in plain sight right in front of us all year round. It’s in the ordinary where the joy of Christmas is found. Go to JohnCertalic.com/046 to listen in and see how. It’s one of my favorites.

What Mary Treasured on Christmas Day, JohnCertalic.com/047 Then we have “What Mary Treasured on Christmas Day” in episode 047. It’s where I comment on the Christmas Story found in Luke 2:1-20 in the Bible. Relationships are what Mary treasured most, and it’s these relationships that make the joy of Christmas like no other event in human history. The implications of these relationships are what Mary pondered and treasured in her heart, and thought about them often. It’s one my all-time favorites.

A Christmas Gift of Silence, JohnCertalic.com/080 Moving on, episode 080, “A Christmas Gift of Silence,“ focuses on an early player in the joy of Christmas story - Zechariah. I talk about why he was silenced, and what we learn from Zechariah’s mistake. The main point of this show is trust God and what he says, even when it defies logic, human wisdom, and experience. Silence can be a real gift as you’ll hear in episode 080. This is one of my favorite episodes.

A Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection, JohnCertalic.com/081 Next is “A Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection,” in episode 081. Here I discuss the personal connection between Mary and her cousin Elizabeth, and the gift of having people in our life who ”get us.” This gift certainly adds to the joy of Christmas. Elizabeth and Mary connect with each other even though there’s a large age gap between the two of them. The close relationship they each have with God makes this possible. There’s is a triangulated relationship in the best sense of the word. Relationships like this are a great gift we can give each other. Check it out at JohnCertalic.com/081. Be sure to check this one out; it’s one of my favorites.

A Christmas Gift of Anticipation, JohnCertalic.com/082 Following episode 081 is “ A Christmas Gift of Anticipation, “ in episode 082. It’s about anticipating the joy of Christmas. The beginning of the Christmas story found in Luke’s Gospel account is just dripping with anticipation, and the joy that comes with it.

I make the point that the deeper we know Jesus and what he’s already done for us, the more joy there is in anticipating what he will do in the future. It’s a great Christmas gift. I really like this one, and I think you will, too.

The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community, JohnCertalic.com/083 Moving on, episode 083 is the only joy of Christmas show where I interview someone. In “The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community” I interview Josephine, a single missionary serving in Eastern Europe. She talks about being in her apartment alone in her pajamas at Christmas, some 5,000 miles from home. But then, a group of her local musician friends invite her out to play Christmas music. They did it to honor her. She talks at length about the personal meaning of Emmanuel - “God with us.” She sees it in the shepherds on that first Christmas night and their need for community. I really enjoyed this. It’s one of my favorites.

A Better Kind of Christmas Joy, JohnCertalic.com/134 Next is episode 134, “ A Better Kind of Christmas Joy.” It’s about the characters at the beginning of the Christmas story, Zechariah, Elizabeth, and Mary. How they interact with God and each other is another way we too can experience the joy of Christmas. I enjoyed digging beneath the surface of the storyline to see how each of these characters develop. I’m pretty sure you’re going to like this one. It’s one of my favorite episodes.

Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy, JohnCertalic.com/135 Next up is “Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy,” episode 135. It’s about Joseph, the earthly father of Jesus. I call him the Marcel Marceau of the New Testament because there’s no record of him saying anything. Yet this behind-the-scenes kind of guy makes a significant contribution to the joy of Christmas by the example he sets. His actions speak volumes about what good men do in their relationships. I really love this episode, and I think you will too. JohnCertalic.com/135.

Make it a Mary Christmas this Year, JohnCertalic.com/136 Finally, “Make it a Mary Christmas this Year,” you will find at JohnCertalic.com/136. And that’s Mary, spelled M-a-r-y. It’s about the Virgin Mary’s perspective of that first Christmas, and how she applied the ORA principle of deepening relationships we’ve talked about. The episode is about what she Observed, Reflected, and Acted upon. All things that apply to us today. Like all the others, this is one of my favorite shows.

So what does all this mean for YOU? If you want the joy of Christmas to linger just a little while longer, listen to the episodes I described. They will help carry you through the days ahead. They’ll show you principles of healthy relationships you can put into practice every day of the year.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode The joy of Christmas is the joy of Jesus coming to us so one day we can go to be with him, fully transformed into the person we were meant to be. You were made for this.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Especially if there’s a particular past episode you found especially meaningful. You can send me an email, or share your thoughts in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes of this episode.

I’ll close with a sign I saw yesterday at my eye doctor’s office. Next to the receptionist’s desk were two small blocks, one on top of the other, that read “Spread Kindness.” I’ve been thinking about that since, and it’s something I’m trying to act on. I hope you do the same. Spread kindness. And I’ll see you again next year on January 4th, for the first episode of 2023. Goodbye for now.

The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

Links to the Christmas episodes mentioned The Gift of Even Though JohnCertalic.com/004

The Gift of Joy - Part 1 JohnCertalic.com/005

The Gift of Joy - Part 2 JohnCertalic.com/006

Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made JohnCertalic.com/045

Where Joy to the World is Found JohnCertalic.com/046

What Mary Treasured on Christmas Day JohnCertalic.com/047

A Christmas Gift of Silence JohnCertalic.com/080

A Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection JohnCertalic.com/081

A Christmas Gift of Anticipation JohnCertalic.com/082

The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community JohnCertalic.com/083

A Better Kind of Christmas Joy JohnCertalic.com/134

Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy JohnCertalic.com/135

Make it a Merry Christmas this Year JohnCertalic.com/136

End the Year with Christmas Joy JohnCertalic.com/138

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The Christmas story in 2022, as with the first one centuries ago, is all about Jesus. Mary treasured all its many details, thought about them often, and pondered them in her heart. May we do the same.

Here's the original Christmas story as recorded in Luke's Gospel, just as it happened.

The Birth of Jesus At that time the Roman emperor, Augustus, decreed that a census should be taken throughout the Roman Empire. (This was the first census taken when Quirinius was governor of Syria.) All returned to their own ancestral towns to register for this census.

And because Joseph was a descendant of King David, he had to go to Bethlehem in Judea, David’s ancient home. He traveled there from the village of Nazareth in Galilee. He took with him Mary, his fiancée, who was now obviously pregnant. And while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born.

She gave birth to her first child, a son. She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because there was no lodging available for them.

That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby, guarding their flocks of sheep. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them. They were terrified, but the angel reassured them. “Don’t be afraid!” he said.

Good News of Great Joy “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger.

“Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others—the armies of heaven—praising God and saying, “Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.”

When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, “Let’s go to Bethlehem! Let’s see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

They hurried to the village and found Mary and Joseph. And there was the baby, lying in the manger. After seeing him, the shepherds told everyone what had happened and what the angel had said to them about this child.

All who heard the shepherds’ story were astonished, but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often.

The shepherds went back to their flocks, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen. It was just as the angel had told them.

~ Luke 2: 1-20 (NIV)

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 082: A Christmas Gift of Anticipation 136: Make it a Merry Christmas this Year 021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week’s episode 189: O Holy Night - An Unusual History

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My favorite church experience is singing “O Holy Night” at a Christmas Eve service. Many churches will turn off the lights and pass out candles that are lit as the song begins. It’s quite moving.

Today’s episode is about the interesting and surprising history of “O Holy Night.” But first this:

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

"O Holy Night" The words to “ O Holy Night” were written in 1843 by Placide Cappeau, a French wine merchant and poet. Although he was never particularly religious, Cappeau was asked by a local parish priest to write a Christmas poem to celebrate the recent renovation of the church organ in his hometown. The poem was entitled “Midnight, Christians.” Four years later in 1847 his friend, Adolphe Adam, wrote music to accompany the lyrics creating the song initially titled, “Cantique de Noel,” or “Christmas Carol” in English.

Adam was a French composer and music critic who wrote mostly operas and ballets. Alongside the opera Giselle (1841), “O Holy Night” is one of his best-known works.

“Cantique de Noel” (i.e., “Christmas Carol”) became popular in France and was sung in many Christmas services. But when Placide Cappeau left the church to join a socialist movement, and it was discovered that Adolphe Adams was a Jew, the French Catholic church leaders decided “Cantique de Noel” was “unfit for church services because of its lack of musical taste and total absence of the spirit of religion.” But even though the church no longer allowed the song in their services, the French people continued to sing it.

An American perspective on “O Holy Night” Then in 1855, an American minister and writer, John Sullivan Dwight, saw something in the song that moved him beyond the story of the birth of Christ. An abolitionist, Dwight strongly identified with the lines of the third verse of the song

“Truly he taught us to love one another; his law is love, and his gospel is peace. Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother, and in his name all oppression shall cease.”

He published his English translation of “O Holy Night” in his magazine, and the song quickly found favor in America, especially in the North during the Civil War.

Back in France, the song continued to be banned by the church for almost two decades, while the people still sang “Cantique de Noel” at home. Legend has it that on Christmas Eve 1871, in the midst of fierce fighting between the armies of Germany and France, during the Franco-Prussian War, a French soldier suddenly jumped out of his muddy trench and began singing “Cantique de Noel.” Then a German soldier stepped into the open and answered the Frenchman’s song with Martin Luther’s “From Heaven Above to Earth I Come.”

The story goes that the fighting stopped for the next twenty-four hours while the men on both sides observed a temporary peace in honor of Christmas day. There is no proof that this ever happened, but that’s why it’s a legend and a good story, never the less. One thing I couldn’t find is how or when the title of this Christmas carol became “O Holy Night.”

"O Holy Night" is a first Years later on Christmas Eve 1906, Reginald Fessenden–a 33-year-old university professor and former chief chemist for Thomas Edison–did something long thought impossible. Using a new type of generator, Fessenden spoke into a microphone and, for the first time in history, a man’s voice was broadcast over the airwaves. And what did he say? He recited the beginning of the Christmas story found in chapter 2 of Luke’s gospel,

“And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed…

After finishing his recitation of the birth of Christ, Fessenden picked up his violin and played “O Holy Night,” the first song ever sent through the air via radio waves.

Starting as a poem requested by a local parish priest in 1843, which morphed into a song 4 years later, “O Holy Night” has a most interesting history. Written by a poet who later left the church, then given soaring melodies by a Jewish composer, and then brought to America and used in the anti-slavery movement, this beloved Christmas carol is sung by millions around the world today.

Lyrics to “O Holy Night” O holy night, the stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of the dear Saviour’s birth;

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

'Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn;

Chorus 

Fall on your knees, Oh hear the angel voices!

O night divine! Oh night when Christ was born.

O night, O holy night, O night divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming;

With glowing hearts by his cradle we stand:

So, led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,

Here come the wise men from Orient land,

The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger,

In all our trials born to be our friend;

Chorus 

He knows our need, To our weakness no stranger!

Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!

Behold your King! your King! before him bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is Love and His gospel is Peace;

Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother,

And in his name all oppression shall cease,

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful Chorus raise we;

Let all within us praise his Holy name!

Chorus

Christ is the Lord, then ever! ever praise we!

His pow'r and glory, evermore proclaim!

Sources https://www.classicfm.com/discover-music/occasions/christmas/o-holy-night-original-lyrics-composer-recordings/ (Stories Behind the Best-Loved Songs of Christmas” Zondervan) https://www.christianity.com/wiki/holidays/what-is-the-meaning-and-story-behind-o-holy-night.html

What does all this mean for you? “O Holy Night" reminds us of God’s relentless creativity in pursuing all of us. Using a man who left his faith in God to write the lyrics, and a Jew who rejects Jesus, God uses this song, over 200 years old, for the purpose of drawing us to himself.

"O Holy Night" isn’t just about one night, Christmas night. It’s about all the nights and days that follow. Nights where you are offered reconciliation and forgiveness for your sins.

Nights of faith made possible by the birth of Jesus who knows your needs and weaknesses, and who teaches us to love one another.

It’s about nights of hope for the future because Christ entered our world to save us from ourselves. It’s about nights of worship for all that the Lord has done for us.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode “O Holy Night" shows God’s passion for making himself known. He uses music written by people who don’t believe in him to comfort people who do.

Closing Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 082: A Christmas Gift of Anticipation 136: Make it a Merry Christmas this Year 021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week’s episode 188: Joy to the World - The Unintended Christmas Carol

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In episode 187 last week I talked about the back story behind “Angels We Have Heard on High.” Today I pull the curtain back to look at the history behind another well-known Christmas carol, this one going back to 1719.

It never started out to be a song, but before we get into all this, here’s a word from another Christmas Carol, one of my favorites, my boss, Carol Steward.

Isaac Watts I’ll start by talking about how “Joy to the World, one of the most famous Christmas Carols of all time,” came to be. It starts with the lyrics written in 1719 by hymn writer Isaac Watts.

While he is appreciated today in church music circles, during his lifetime Watts was considered by many to be a disturbance of the status quo and even possibly a heretic for the lyrics he wrote. While he wasn’t a heretic, he was a revolutionary.

Watts grew up in a world where the music in every worship service consisted only of psalms or sections of Scripture put to music. Watts found the practice monotonous. To him, there was a lack of joy and emotion among the people in the pew as they sang. He described it like this,

“To see the dull indifference, the negligent and thoughtless air that sits upon the faces of a whole assembly, while the psalm is upon their lips, might even tempt a charitable observer to suspect the fervency of their inward religion.”

Yikes, this sounds like me many times.

A Christmas carol from a poem I was surprised to learn that the lyrics for “Joy to the World” actually came out of a book of poetry Isaac Watts wrote, where each poem was based on a different psalm from the Bible. Rather than just translating the original Old Testament texts word for word, he adapted them to refer more explicitly to the work of Jesus as it had been revealed in the New Testament.

The poetry book was never a best-seller, and the only remnants of it anyone can find is the second part of Psalm 98, which became the basis for “Joy to the World.” While meditating on Psalm 98, verse 4 gripped Watts:

“Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth; break forth into joyous song and sing praises!”

Watts had no intention of creating a hymn when he composed the verse for Psalm 98 as part of his book of poetry. But then in 1836 a man by the name of Lowell Mason composed a riveting melody for Watts’ lyrics, which eventually became quite popular in the church.

The lyrics Joy to the world, the Lord is come;

Let earth receive her King!

Let every heart prepare him room

And heaven and nature sing!  And heaven and nature sing . . . and heaven . . . and heaven . . . and nature sing.

Joy to the earth, the Savior reigns!

Let men their songs employ

While fields and floods, rocks, hills, and plains,

Repeat the sounding joy . . repeat the sounding joy!

Repeat . . . repeat . . . the sounding joy!

No more let sins and sorrows grow,

Nor thorns infest the ground;

He comes to make his blessings flow

Far as the curse is found . . fFar as the curse is found . . .

Far as . . . far as . . . the curse is found!

He rules the world with truth and grace

And makes the nations prove

The glories of his righteousness

And wonders of his love . . . and wonders of his love!

And wonders . . . wonders . . . of his love!

Hope for better days ahead The intent of Psalm 98 is to bring joy to people. “Joy to the World” inspires us to look forward to the future when sin and sorrow no longer play a part in our lives. Where no thorn infests the ground, and where we are caught up in the grace, glory, and love of God.

So what does “Joy to the World” mean for you today It’s been 300 years since the carol was written, but it still speaks to us today.

It speaks to creating room in our hearts for Jesus, as the third line of the song declares, “Let every heart prepare him room.” No easy task these days with all the distractions we have keeping us from considering our relationship with God and how we should live in light of that relationship.

The song speaks to the joy that is yours when you consider that God is in control, that he has defeated sin, and is making his blessings flow.

One other thing that “Joy to the World” means is that we can experience joy no matter our circumstances.

Yesterday morning I received a text from a missionary who has been serving in South America for many years. She wrote to tell me she just listened again to episode 155, “How to Find Joy No Matter What,” and that it blessed her again in the midst of the stresses of missionary life and relationships in general.

To listen to it yourself, just go to JohnCertalic.com/155.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode What better time than this Christmas season to reflect upon how God delivered joy to the world by sending us His son, Jesus. Our relationship with Him is the source of lasting joy worth singing about.

Relationship question of the month If you have a relationship question you’d like me to answer in an upcoming episode, please go to JohnCertalic.com/question to record your question using your phone or computer.

With your question, please include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple. If you’d rather submit a written question, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show to reflect upon the meaning of “Joy to the World.”

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Inject a measure of Christmas joy into the lives of others. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s show 155: How to Find Joy No Matter What 134: A Better Kind of Christmas Joy 021: The Most Important Relationship of All

https://www.crossway.org/articles/a-brief-history-of-joy-to-the-world/

https://galaxymusicnotes.com/pages/learn-the-story-behind-joy-to-the-world

The Gospdel Coalition. "Joy to the World: A Christmas Hymn Reconsidered"

Last week’s episode 187: This Christmas Carol Invites You

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It’s hard to go anywhere this time of the year without hearing Christmas music. They really help set the mood for the holidays, which I love. The melodies of many of the traditional Christmas carols are fixed in our minds because we’ve heard them for years and years. But often the words are not. Who can remember the 3rd verse of “Silent Night,” for example?

The lyrics of the really good Christmas carols have a relationship component to them worth considering this time of year. I’m going to talk about one of these carols in today’s episode.

But before we get into all this, here’s a word from my favorite Christmas Carol, our executive producer, Carol Steward.

Your host, John Certalic, is an award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Angels We Have Heard on High I have been hearing “Angels We Have Heard on High” as a Christmas Carol ever since I was a kid. I bet the same is true for you, too. It is an easily recognizable tune, mainly because of its chorus, “Gloria In Excelsis Deo” which is Latin for Glory to God in the Highest.

Because the melody is so familiar and catchy, the lyrics, except for the first few lines, are something I’ve never thought much about. Until just recently. This “Angels We Have Heard on High” Christmas Carol has an interesting history, going back to the second century, and an even more interesting meaning for celebrating the Christmas season here in 2022.

I’ll get into all this in just a moment, but first I’ll play the melody and recite the lyrics. Try to focus on the words and their meaning.

[Play the melody of “Angels We Have Heard on High”]

Lyrics to “Angels We Have Heard on High” [Verse 1] Angels we have heard on high Sweetly singing o'er the plains And the mountains in reply Echoing their joyous strains

[Chorus] Gloria In Excelsis Deo Gloria In Excelsis Deo

[Verse 2] Shepherds why this jubilee? Why your joyous strains prolong? Say what may the tidings be Which inspire your heavenly song?

[Chorus] Gloria In Excelsis Deo Gloria In Excelsis Deo

[Verse 3] Come to Bethlehem and see Him Whose birth the angels sing; Come, adore on bended knee Christ the Lord, the newborn King

[Chorus] Gloria In Excelsis Deo Gloria In Excelsis Deo

[Verse 4] See within in a manger laid Jesus Lord of heav'n and earth Mary, Joseph lend your aid With us sing our Savior's birth

The back story to this Christmas Carol “Angels We Have Heard On High,” is a traditional French Christmas carol, previously known as “The Angels in Our Countryside.” It tells the story of angels announcing to local shepherds the good news of the birth of Jesus.

Though the source of the song is unknown, it is believed to have originated in 18th-century France. The song was first translated into English in 1860 by James Chadwick, a Roman Catholic bishop.

Just as the origin of the words to this French song is unknown, so also is the melody. Since it was common for lyrics to be written for existing tunes, it is possible that the melody is even older than the words.

Gloria in Excelsis Deo The refrain in this Christmas carol, “Gloria in Excelsis Deo,” (Latin for "Glory to God in the Highest”) has an interesting background. The phrase is first found in the Gospel of Luke, chapter 2, verse 14, when a vast host of angels suddenly appear to the shepherds, praising God.

Centuries ago in the hills of southern France, tradition has it that shepherds had a Christmas Eve custom of calling to one another, each from their own hillside, singing “Gloria in Excelsis Deo.” Verses 1 and 2 in Angels We Have Heard on High” reference this when they speak of the “mountains” (i.e., the shepherds on the mountains) replying to the angels in joyous heavenly song.

The phrase “Gloria in Excelsis Deo.” played an important part in worship at church masses dating back to 130 A.D. During this time period, one of the early Roman Catholic popes, Pope Telesphorus, issued a decree that on Christmas Day all churches should have special evening services.

He also ordered that at these masses, after the reading of certain Scripture or the conclusion of specific prayers, the congregation should always sing the words “Gloria in Excelsis Deo.” Historical church documents reveal that monks carried this executive order throughout the land and that by the third century it was a practice used by most churches at Christmas services.

Sources

https://genius.com/Christmas-songs-angels-we-have-heard-on-high-lyrics https://www.celebratingholidays.com/?page_id=10563 https://faithgateway.com/blogs/christian-books/angels-we-have-heard-on-high

So, what does “Angels We Have Heard of High” mean for you? This Christmas carol stands in sharp contrast to all the things we add to the original meaning of Christmas. The presents, the activities, the gathering of families together. All these are fine, but they have nothing to do with Jesus is the reason for the season.

“Angels We Have Heard on High” is largely a song to celebrate the invitation God extends to all of us, you and me included, to come and see who Jesus is. It’s to celebrate the generous love of God to give us this greatest gift ever.

It’s also an encouragement to accept this wonderful invitation. As the angels said to the shepherds, just come and see. Come and see.

And that’s what “Angels We Have Heard on High” means for us this Christmas season in 2022 and every year.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode A Christmas carol like “Angels We Have Heard on High” invites you and me into a relationship with Jesus, just as it did for the shepherds in the song. It’s an invitation for us to either accept or reject.

Relationship question of the month for December What joyful memory of Christmas do you have? What is a tradition or event stands out for you when you think about this holiday?

Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple. If you’d rather give a written answer, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes.

I’ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on December 12, 2022. Again, head over to JohnCertalic.com/question and leave a message.

I’ll pick several responses to air on our episode before Christmas.

Closing In closing, I encourage you can take a few minutes to look past the distractions that seep into the Christmas season. I hope you take to reflect on its real meaning so that you can give glory to God in the highest as the shepherds on those French hillsides did so many years ago.

I so often close each episode by encouraging you to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet and to spark some joy for them. But for this month, I want to encourage you to be on the lookout for the sunshine God is shining into your life. Expect true Christmas joy to show up on your relational doorstep to surprise you by filling your heart.

And I’ll end with one last round of “Angels We Have Heard on High.”

Merry Christmas and God bless us everyone! Other episodes or resources related to today’s show 133: Relationships - The Back Story to the Christmas Story 021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week’s episode

186: Thankful for Life After Death https://www.johncertalic.com/podcast/thankful-for-life-after-death/

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My friend Larry Goring died 2 months ago after a nine-month battle with cancer. He was only 73, and I miss him greatly. Larry was one of the original board members of our missionary care ministry, Caring for Others, and was always a great encouragement to me. His wife Jill gave me permission to share some of the details following Larry’s death that I want to share with you. I’m doing so because here in November 2022, the month we celebrate Thanksgiving, Jill’s response shows us how we can be thankful for life after death.

What she did for Larry’s funeral service is quite encouraging, and I thought you would appreciate a little encouragement today.

But before I tell you what Jill did, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Thankful for Life After Death Thank you, Carol. I’ll start by reading part of the email Janet and I received from Jill, the night Larry died at home, surrounded by Jill and their two adult children.

“We are grief-stricken. At the same time, we are so thankful that he is pain-free and joy-filled and enjoying the glories of heaven, meeting his savior, reuniting with his parents, his brother-in-law, my nephew, and so many other dear ones. We are grateful for what the Lord Jesus did to make this possible. We were sitting with him and playing one of the many songs he loves [The Holy City] when he took his last breath.

“Everywhere we turn in the house makes us weep with his absence. We wish we could just sit and cry and hug all of you who loved him.

Thank you for your prayers.”

The burial service Twelve days later Jill wrote:

“Tomorrow it will be a week since Larry’s burial service. It crushes my heart to write those words.

“We gathered for some family time at the funeral home, and whoever wanted to read a verse took a printed one before we crossed the street to the cemetery.

“At the graveside, all we did was read these Scriptures.

“Each voice was loud and clear with not a single stumble—from the eight-year-old to the teenagers to the nieces and nephews and us older ones.
It was powerfully comforting.

“Tonight—my first night home alone--I am reading them again. As I will do over and over again. I hope you are blessed by them.

“Thank you again for your prayers.
Jill”

Scriptures that assure us of life after death Several weeks later when Jill was visiting us in our home, she told us more about Larry’s burial service. 15- 20 people gathered around the gravesite, ranging in ages from 8 to 73. Jill had printed scripture verses on 5x7 notecards that spoke of life after death and the encouragement we can draw from them. Anyone who wanted to read the Bible verses could do so.

Here are the verses people read standing around the gravesite. I hope you can picture the scene. May they give those of us with a relationship with Jesus great comfort, both now, and for when our time on earth comes to an end.

John 3:16-17 [Jesus talking to the religious teacher Nicodemus]
God loved the world so much that He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. That’s why God sent his son—not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.

John 5:24-25 [Jesus’ promise]
I’m telling you the absolute truth: those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins—in fact, they have already passed from death into life.

And I assure you that the time is coming, indeed it’s here now, when the dead will hear my voice—the voice of the Son of God. And those who listen will live!

Picture someone reading John 11:23-26 [Jesus talking to Mary at her brother Lazarus’ grave]
Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask.”
Jesus told her, “Your brother will rise again.”

“Yes,” Martha said, “he will rise when everyone else rises, at the last day.”
Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this, Martha?”

“Yes, Lord,” she told him. “I have always believed you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one who has come into the world from God.”

II Timothy 4:6-8 [some of the apostle Paul’s last words as he awaits life after death ]
As for me, my life has already been poured out as an offering to God. The time of my death is near. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. And now the prize awaits me—the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing.

I Corinthians 13:11-15 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

II Corinthians 4:16-5:9. What we know about life after death [The apostle Paul in his second letter to the church at Corinth]
[And so] we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. Our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. Because the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

We know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. …While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee, he has given us his Holy Spirit.

[5:6-9] We’re very sure of that, dear friends. We live believing that, even though we can’t see it with our eyes. We know that as soon as we leave these earthly bodies—we’ll be at home with the Lord! And that’s where we’d rather be! But no matter where we are—whether in these bodies or there with him—our goal is to please him.

Picture one of the children reading from the following. It’s from the apostle Paul and one of his letters to a church he loved dearly. He described Papa’s (i.e, what the grandkids called Larry) future & ours:
Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die,
but they will be raised to live forever.
Our bodies are buried in brokenness,
but they will be raised in glory.
They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength.
They are buried as natural human bodies,
but they will be raised as spiritual bodies.

Because here’s the thing, dear brothers and sisters.
God has amazing, eternal blessings planned for us.

But our physical bodies cannot inherit the Kingdom of God. These dying bodies cannot inherit what will last forever. Our bodies have to be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies have to be changed into immortal bodies to experience the eternal blessings God has prepared for us.

[That’s what’s going to happen to Papa and great-grandpa Bartlett and all us ‘left-behind’ ones!]

Those left behind can be thankful for life after death And for we who are left behind:
Listen! Let me tell you a wonderful secret!
We may not all die.
But we WILL all be transformed.
It will happen in a moment—in the blink of an eye--
when the last trumpet is blown.
I say ‘in the blink of an eye’, because when the trumpet sounds, those who have already died will instantly be raised to live forever!
And we who are living will also be immediately transformed.
Our bodies will be changed into bodies that never die!

Then –then what God promised in His Word long ago
will be fulfilled:
Death is swallowed up in victory.

You think you can hurt us, death?
You think you’ve won?
Never!
You are conquered forever—through Jesus Christ our Lord.

[I Corinthians 15:42-55, 58] So my dear children and grandchildren and mother and sister and brother and in-laws and nieces and nephews: be strong and immovable.

Always work enthusiastically for the Lord—because we know that nothing we do for the Lord is ever useless!

Romans 6:5, 8-9 Since we have been united with Christ in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was.

And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him.

Parts of Romans 8:18-24 [paraphrase] Just think, friends! We are God’s children—His heirs—those He is showering with all His goodness. And in fact we are going to be glorified with Him!

And this suffering that we’re going through now—it is going to seem like nothing --not even worthy to be mentioned compared with that glory that’s ahead.

I’m talking about the glory that the whole world will see when God reveals all of us His children--sharing in all His glory!

Another reason to be grateful for life after death With eager hope, creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. Right now…all creation is still groaning, as it has been since the fall. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, because we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us.
That’s the hope God gave us when we were saved!

Romans 8:31-39 [Larry loved listening to these verses in his final days.]
What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Another child reads from Colossians 3:1-4 [the apostle Paul to the church at Colosse; Papa loved these verses]
Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. Because you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory!

Ephesians 3:14-21 [Paul’s prayer for the Ephesians; this is our prayer for all of us in the family]
When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.

I Thessalonians 4:13-18 [the Apostle Paul explains what will happen to believers who have died]

And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.
[The reason we don’t grieve like they do is] because we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again—so we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.
We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died.
For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout…
with the voice of the archangel
And with the trumpet call of God.
First the believers who have died will rise from their graves.
Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air.
Then we will be with the Lord forever!
So encourage each other with these words.

Imagine another child around the gravesite reading from Revelation 21:1-6 [This is what Jesus showed his disciple John, and what Papa and all of us are looking forward to!]
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone. And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”
And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life.

Parts of Revelation 21 tells about life after death So he took me in the Spirit to a great, high mountain, and he showed me the holy city, Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God. It shone with the glory of God and sparkled like a precious stone—like jasper as clear as crystal.
The wall was made of jasper, and the city was pure gold, as clear as glass.
The twelve gates were made of pearls—each gate from a single pearl! And the main street was pure gold, as clear as glass.
I saw no temple in the city, for the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. And the city has no need of sun or moon, for the glory of God illuminates the city, and the Lamb is its light. The nations will walk in its light, and the kings of the world will enter the city in all their glory. Its gates will never be closed at the end of day because there is no night there.

Parts of Revelation 22 [What awaits us in our life after death is more of what Jesus showed his disciple John—the end of the Story!]
No longer will there be a curse upon anything. For the throne of God and of the Lamb will be there, and his servants will worship him. And they will see his face, and his name will be written on their foreheads, and there will be no night there—no need for lamps or sun—for the Lord God will shine on them. And they will reign forever and ever.
Then the angel said to me, “Everything you have heard and seen is trustworthy and true. The Lord God, who inspires his prophets, has sent his angel to tell his servants what will happen soon.”

And Jesus said:
Look, I am coming soon!
Yes, I am coming soon!
[And we say:]
Amen! Come Lord Jesus!

I Timothy 6:15-16 At just the right time Christ will be revealed from heaven by the blessed and only almighty God, the King of all kings and Lord of all lords. He alone can never die, and he lives in light so brilliant that no human can approach him. No human eye has ever seen him, nor ever will. All honor and power to him forever! Amen.

Hebrews 13:20-21 Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.

II Thessalonians 2:16-17 Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word.
To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.

Jude 24-25 Now all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you with great joy into his glorious presence without a single fault.
All glory to him who alone is God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord. All glory, majesty, power, and authority are his
…before all time
…and in the present
…and beyond all time!
Amen.

1 Passages from New Living Translation and/or the BRE [Bible in Real English—Jill’s paraphrase for kids]. All passages were read clearly and distinctly by adults and children as young as 8, with not a single stumbling. It was a huge blessing to hear.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How does what you heard today affect how you view death? Your own death?
I wonder what you would like said and done at your funeral service.

I especially wonder how your relationship with Jesus, or for some of you, lack of relationship with Him, will affect your last days on earth and the people you leave behind.

These are important questions to consider. Our life after death depends on how we answer.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Our relationship with Jesus enables us to be grateful for life after death. Those we leave behind who also have a relationship with Jesus can be comforted by this important truth. We will all be together again one day because Jesus defeated death. Sadly, there are those who refuse this great gift because they don’t want a relationship with Jesus.

Relationship question of the month. On a lighter note, our relationship question of the month as we move into the Christmas season is this:

What joyful memory of Christmas do you have? What is a tradition or event that stands out for you when you think about this holiday?

Just go to johncertalic.com/question to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple. If you’d rather give a written answer, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes.

I’ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on December 12, 2022. I’ll pick several responses to air on one of our episodes before Christmas.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope you were encouraged by the fact that we can be thankful for Life after death

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/186. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

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For the past two years, my grandson George has been a resident assistant in his college dorm. Before students check in at the start of the school year, each RA creates a bulletin board for their floor with here’s-who-I-am information about themself. It’s a way to start building a sense of community. I wish they would have had something like this when I was in college.

The only thing posted in my day was the time and place of the next anti-war protest rally.
Demonstrations about how the South succeeding from the Union was going to lead to war. That kind of thing.

Anyway, I've included a photo of George’s RA bulletin board . As you can see, at the top he posted in big bold letters, "Are You Curious About George?," accompanied by a cut-out of the Curious George monkey. He then attached pictures representing his interests and things important to him.

I’m going to tell you what happened as a result of that creative bulletin board, but before I do, here’s what this podcast is all about.

Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.
I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Was anyone curious about George? Just recently I talked to George about his RA bulletin board and asked him if anyone on his floor was, in fact, curious about him. Did anyone ask about any of the things he displayed about his interests?

“Just one person,” George said. “And it was only a very brief conversation.”

Yeah, that’s how it usually goes, I thought. There aren’t a lot of relationally curious people out there. And that’s a shame. I talked about this in several episodes in the past, and I’ll have links to them at the end of the show notes:

Why I’m thankful for Curious people But here’s why I’m thankful for relationally curious people, though they are few in number. Not nosey people, but curious people. I talk about the difference in episode 165.

Curious people honor others by wanting to know someone’s story. By being interested in a person’s history, and why someone is the way they are. With the questions they ask, they give people a voice and an opportunity to be known. I’m thankful for people like this.

Curious people try to connect with others by listening, rather than talking. Oh, there are so many talkers out there today, but so few really good listeners. Most talkers are good people and mean well. But sadly, they engage with others by using their words rather than their ears.

Curious people aren’t like this. They tend to be good listeners. They draw people out to make them the center of attention, rather than themself. I’m always drawn to someone who by their very nature makes other people the focus of a conversation, rather than themself. Curious people are like this, and I’m thankful for them.

Another thing about curious people that I appreciate is how they deal with relational problems. They are curious enough to look below the surface of an issue to discover what may be causing it. Curious people look beyond the obvious. They consider possibilities that may go unnoticed by others.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today about curious people to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life?

I suggest giving a try at being more relationally curious yourself. In conversations with people make fewer statements and instead ask more questions. Ask just one follow-up question and see how that enriches your relationships.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Be thankful for the relationally curious people in your life. They bless us by showing how we can all connect better with each other by listening, rather than talking. They honor us by giving us a voice so that we feel the joy of being known.

Relationship question of the month. In previous episodes, I asked for your response to a question I asked for the month of November. I did not get ANY.

That’s OK. We’ll give it one more try.

This question I’m asking you for December is

What joyful memory of Christmas do you have? Some tradition or event that stands out for you when you think about this holiday?

Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple. If you’d rather give a written answer, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes.

I’ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on December 12, 2022. I’ll pick several responses to air on one of our episodes before Christmas.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to be a little more curious about the people who cross your path. And then act on your curiosity.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/185. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows 062: Vaccine Now Available for this Relational Virus (i.e., lack of curiosity )
063: Six Reasons Why We’re Not Curious About People
073: Could Curiosity About Others Minimize Racism
165: Nosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them

Last week’s episode 184: Thankful for Parents Who Discipline Their Children

The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

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A family friend and listener to this podcast told me about an unpleasant experience she recently had at a big box retail store that got me thinking about climate change. Not the climate change we hear environmentalists and politicians talk about. I’m thinking about relational climate change. How the climate in a room changes when parents fail to discipline their children. And how it improves when they do.

Continuing our “Thankful in November” series, today’s episode is about how we can be thankful for parents who discipline their children because of how it improves the relational climate we live in.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

The need for a relational climate change I think most of us at one time or another experienced what a listener to our podcast went through recently while in the check-out line at Walmart. A father in front of her had a toddler strapped in his cart, while another young child, standing at his side, engaged in all manner of behavior to irritate the kid in the cart. The poking and taunting of the toddler elicited back-and-forth yelling between the two kids.

And what do you think the father did about this? You guessed, it. Nothing.

It got so irritating to our listener friend that she stepped out of line, abandoned her cart, and went across the street to a grocery store to buy the same items she left behind at Walmart. The climate change between the two stores was palpable. From chaos at Walmart to peace and calm at the grocery store. No undisciplined kids creating tension for fellow shoppers.

The sad thing for me about stories like this is that it’s not the kids’ fault. It’s on the parents for failing to disciple their children. The dad in this case needed to go sit on a chair in the time-out corner.

My thoughts on child discipline Having raised two kids of my own with my wife, and then watching them parent their own children, I learned a few things about disciplining children.

I’ll start with this. Parents who discipline their children well when they are younger will have to discipline them less when they’re older. When you don’t discipline kids when they’re young, it is much harder to do so when they’re older as teenagers when the consequences of bad behavior are much greater.

And then if you don’t discipline them as teenagers, you get adults like Meghan Markle who’s at the epicenter of the family dysfunction in Britain’s royal family.

It’s been reported that he said he regrets not disciplining his daughter when she was a child. “I gave her everything she wanted,” he said. “I never said no.”

Parents are sometimes reluctant to discipline their kids because they want their kids to like them, to not be upset with them. They want their children to view them as a friend. Children don’t need you to be their friend. They need you to be a strong parent to teach them the most important thing they need to know as a young child, and that is to obey.

The most important thing a young child needs to know The main job of young children is to learn to obey. Oh, there is so much disobedience out there. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Years ago I attended a week-long conference featuring Christian Counselors Larry Crabb and Dan Allender. During a Q & A session, someone asked Crabb for parenting advice. He paused for a moment to gather his thoughts and said, “I’m not a parenting expert by any stretch of the imagination. All I can tell you is that the main task of a parent is to drive foolishness out of the heart of a child. Stick with that, and you’ll do fine as a parent.”

Let that sink in for a moment, “the main task of a parent is to drive foolishness out of the heart of a child.” It’s taken from Proverbs 22:15 in the Bible.

Parenting by a thousand paper cuts If there was ever a comment to illustrate the phrase, “easier said than done.” It would be Crabb’s comment. Parenting is hard work. Kids wear you down. Over and over again they push you to your limits of patience.

If I were to write a parenting book, I would entitle it, Parenting by a Thousand Paper Cuts. How many times do you have to say “no?” How many times do you have to pit your will against your child’s will? It is so much easier to give in to your kid’s disobedience. To just raise your voice at them, with no attendant consequence for their disobedience.

When a child disobeys, a negative consequence for the child is called for. Just raising your voice out of frustration for the child not obeying you won’t cut it.
A parent’s job in dealing with disobedience is to introduce some form of “pain” into their life. Depriving them of something they enjoy usually works. And every kid is different in this regard. It’s not rocket science.

So what does God say about discipline? Through Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, God has a number of things to tell about us about discipline in the Book of Proverbs. I count ten verses dealing with the discipline of children. The first five are directed to children themselves, the recipients of parental discipline. If you have kids, you might want to share these with them. It likely won’t register with your children at the moment you need to disciple them. Instead, share these verses after the storm of misbehavior passes and relational calm returns.

How children should view discipline With regard to children and what their attitude should be, Solomon says the following:

Proverbs 1: 8 My child, listen when your father corrects you. Don’t neglect your mother’s instruction.

Proverbs 4: 1-2 My children, listen when your father corrects you. Pay attention and learn good judgment, for I am giving you good guidance. Don’t turn away from my instructions.

Proverbs 6: 20 - 23 My son, obey your father’s commands, and don’t neglect your mother’s instruction. Keep their words always in your heart. Tie them around your neck. When you walk, their counsel will lead you. When you sleep, they will protect you. When you wake up, they will advise you. For their command is a lamp and their instruction a light; their corrective discipline is the way to life.

Proverbs 12:1 To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction.

Proverbs 13:1 A wise child accepts a parent’s discipline; a mocker refuses to listen to correction.

Why parents need to discipline their children As for parents, here are principles from the Book of Proverbs to keep in mind about why it is so important for them to discipline their children.

Proverbs 13: 24 Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.

Proverbs 22:15 A youngster’s heart is filled with foolishness, but physical discipline will drive it far away. This is the sum total of Larry Crabb’s philosophy I mentioned earlier.

Proverbs 23:13-14 Don’t fail to discipline your children. The rod of punishment won’t kill them. Physical discipline may well save them from death.

Proverbs 29:15 To discipline a child produces wisdom, but a mother is disgraced by an undisciplined child.

Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your children, and they will give you peace of mind and will make your heart glad.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life?

If you’re a parent, disciplining your children, not only benefits them and you, it also goes a long way to improving the relational climate of those around you. No one wants to be around bratty kids. No one wants to be around parents who ignore or can’t handle their child’s misbehavior.

People probably won’t say so, but we’ll be thankful for you when your kids act up and you step in to take control of them. So be the kind of parent we can all be thankful for.

To see this in action, one really helpful thing you can do is watch episodes of the TV Show, Supernanny. You can see past episodes on YouTube. You’ll get a lot of good ideas to help you understand what may be causing you to be weak when it comes to child discipline, and how to get a lot better at it. I’ll have a link to it in the show notes.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Be thankful for parents who discipline their children. Teaching children to obey teaches them they are not the center of the universe, a lesson one can never learn too early. It also makes them a lot easier to parent when they’re teenagers. It’s a great gift to society when parents discipline their children well.

Relationship question of the month. This question I’m asking you is part of the Relationship Question of the month for November. Namely,

What is one relationship you are especially thankful for?

Just go to PodinBox.com/John and record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple.

I’ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16, 2022. Again, head over to PodinBox.com/John and leave a message for me.

I’ll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/184. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related resources to today's episode 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

The TV show, Supernanny

Last week’s episode 183: Thankful for People Who Inspire Us

The place to access all past and future episodes go to JohnCertalic.com

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In last week’s episode, no. 182, we began our Thankful in November series by talking about being thankful for the last time we experienced something. Today we continue this series by considering the blessing of being thankful for the people who inspire us.

Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.
I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Two words to describe our podcast If I could use only one word to describe our You Were Made for This podcast, it would be “relationships.” And if I could add one more word to the description, it would be “joy.” As in how to experience more joy in the relationships God designed for us. It’s what we were made for.

Inspire One source of joy in relationships is to be thankful for people who inspire us. “Inspire” is an interesting word. It literally means "to fill someone with the urge to do or feel something."

My wife used to love going to a home furnishings store by the name of Inspire. It sold decorative items for your house like pillows, small pieces of furniture, things to hang on the wall. Stuff like that. It certainly filled my wife with the urge to do something. I’ll leave it to your imagination to guess what that urge might have been. She doesn’t go there anymore because the store went out of business. At least that’s what I’ve been telling her when she talks about going back there. Let’s just keep that a secret between you and me. Okay?

When my book came out in 2016, THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others, Writer’s, Digest Magazine awarded it “best inspirational book of the year.” My purpose in writing the book was to urge people to care better for each other, which would make us feel good about ourselves, because we were made for this.

“Inspire”: to fill someone with the urge to do or feel something.

People can Inspire us The Inspire store and my book were intentional about their purpose in urging people to do something or feel something. I would add motivational speakers to these two intentional sources of inspiration.

But for me, I’ve always been thankful for people who inspire us unintentionally by the way they live. They’re the examples I would like to be more like. They don’t tell you how to conduct yourself, they show you. They’re the people who inspire us without even trying to do so. Here’s a recent example from just two months ago.

Queen Elizabeth II When Queen Elizabeth II died on September 8, 2022, there was an outpouring of admiration for her and the way she lived her life. Ruling England for over 70 years, you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who didn’t admire her. A particularly insightful article by Daniel Henninger, one of my favorite newspaper columnists, appeared in The Wall Street Journal a week or so after she died. I’ll quote a few paragraphs from his piece, entitled “The Countercultural Queen”:

Within the hour of her death, Queen Elizabeth II was praised by commentators from left to right for representing so many traditional values. Reserve, self-containment, duty, responsibility. modesty of demeanor, graciousness, civility, prudence, fortitude…

What is most notable is that this instant outpouring of media praise for the queen’s traditional virtues comes amid a contemporary culture that elevates daily, even hourly, a value system of self-regard, self-promotion, changeability, acting out, and anything-goes behavior that is the polar opposite of Queen Elizabeth’s.

The queen’s own family reflected this trend. First Princess Diana in the 1980s rode the rising celebrity wave, and ultimately it drowned her. Then Prince Harry married Meghan Markle, known primarily as an influencer.

“Influencer” is the defining word of our times.

An influencer’s success depends overwhelmingly on one thing: self-promotion accomplished by rising in the hot-air balloons of Instagram, TikTok, and other social media. The goal is to marry marketing with fame. Because influencers do it, millions of others, often young women make preoccupation with self the one habit that directs their lives.

A contrast of values To say that the queen’s values were traditional means they existed for a very long time. The poised 14-year-old Elizabeth we heard in news clips reading her first public speech to children during the Blitz of World War II had by then had by then been taught personal virtues held in high regard for centuries in the West and arguably longer in the East.

In our time, however, personal virtue has been demoted by social virtue.

One effect of giving social responsibility more weight than personal responsibility is that it gives people a pass on their personal behavior.

So long as one’s life is “centered” on some larger social good, the conduct of one’s personal life is well, irrelevant…

The queen’s habits were a source of personal stability. Modern values are a source of instability. The habits of behavior associated with her are not about mere goodness, but about creating a structure of life inside of which one can then perform successfully as a person, hopefully for the good. She did that for her country for 70 years.

Henninger’s column is a reminder that people who inspire us often run against the grain of contemporary culture. Queen Elizabeth showed us we can live a fulfilling meaningful life when it is based on the personal virtues that have been admired down through the ages.

So what does all this mean for YOU? A couple of thoughts come to mind. They start with going back to the definition of “inspire” I mentioned earlier, “to fill someone with the urge to do or feel something.”

Wouldn’t it be great if people said that you inspired them to be more like you? That because of who you are and how you lived you motivated them to think or behave in a way that may not have been their natural inclination? That because of you they became a better person?

It’s possible for you to be an inspiration to others when you follow the teachings of Jesus, and day by day become more like the person he created you to be. As that happens, people will notice. And they will be inspired.

Another thought I have is really a question. I wonder about the people who inspire you. What are they like? What do they do to fill you with the urge to do or feel something? And then how do they do it?

This question I’m asking you is part of the Relationship Question of the month for November. Namely,

What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for because of how it inspires you?

Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple.

I’ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16, 2022. Again, head over to podinbox.com/Johnn and leave a message for me.

I’ll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume.

A person who inspires me On a personal note, one person who inspires me is my boss and our executive producer, Carol Steward. You hear her introduce me at the beginning of each episode. In episode 021 I describe how I first met Carol, and how she inspired Janet and me to enter into a personal relationship with Jesus. I also talk about this life-changing experience in chapter 7 of my book, THEM.

You can learn more about Carol and how Jesus has been the cornerstone of her relationship with Janet and me in a two-part interview I did with her in episodes 100 and 101. I’ll have links to all this at the bottom of the show notes.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Being thankful for the people who inspire us has a way of motivating us to become inspiring people ourselves. Each day by becoming more like the men and women God created us to be, we model and inspire others to be the person God created them to be as well.

Relationship question of the month Please don’t forget our Relationship Question of the month for November.

What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for because of how it inspires you?

Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer.

If you’d rather not record anything, please email your answer to me at john@caringforothers.org. You can also leave a written response at the bottom of the show notes for this episode in the “Leave a Comment” box.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show to be thankful for the people who inspire you. And then to become more of an inspiring person yourself.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/183. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 180: An Unusual Place to Find Joy
100: Start Conversations with Remembering
101: Life-Giving Relationships
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

Last week’s episode 182: Thankful for “The Last Time I Will Ever…”

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It happened a few weeks ago, another one of those It was the last time I will ever … moments. It was the last time I experienced something so meaningful and enjoyable that it brought on a tinge of sadness knowing I will never experience it again.

But based on several other last time I will ever … events in my life I know I can be thankful for what comes next. And so can you. It’s what I talk about in today’s episode, the first in my “Thankful in November” series starting today.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach. I'mhere to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page. Enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

The last little league baseball game I will ever see I’ve got three, “the last time I will ever… " stories to share with you today. Events in my life I’m thankful for this November, a month we celebrate thankfulness. I’m talking about them today hoping it will get you thinking about your the last time I will ever… moments in your life that you can be thankful for.

The first of my stories is prompted by the times I drive past a local park near where we live. It’s where our twin grandsons, Grant and George played little league baseball when they were young. They’re both 20 years old now and in college.

They played in this baseball league through 6th grade, which was the age limit by which they could participate. Driving past this park reminds me of the last baseball game they played in. They played for one of those leagues that downplay competitiveness so that everyone on the team gets to play in every game. Even if it is just for an inning. It was all about fun, not about winning.

The last out to win the game and end the season In the boys’ last game for the season at this park, their team was up by a run at the top of the last inning. George was playing first base, Grant was at third. The batter for the other team hit a grounder to Grant, who fielded the ball cleanly. He then reared back and with all his might and strength threw the ball in the air as hard as his skinny arm would allow to his brother at first base. George easily caught the ball on the fly, and stepped on first base to make the final out to end the game. The final play, of the final game, of their final season as little league baseball players.

Shortly after this. it hit me, this was the last time I will ever see them play little league baseball together again. It was the end of an era in their still very young lives. It was the end of the joy Janet and I were so thankful for that we could be part of as spectators. More joy would come later for other things, but this one last moment. This one last time I will ever … moment filled me with joy I am still thankful for years later.

I’m thankful for being part of the joy they experienced in playing well together for the very last time. Thankful to see that last play that so symbolizes their connection with each as twin brothers.

Her last tennis match I will ever see Another of my the last time I will ever… moments happened just a few weeks ago. Our granddaughter Eleanor is a high school senior and has been on her school’s tennis team since she was a freshman. It’s been a great run for her in many ways.

Girls’ high school tennis is a fall sport where we live. Each season concludes with a state tournament that began a few weeks ago. I drove out to the school where the first round was to be held to watch Eleanor play. I knew she wasn’t going to know until after she warmed up if she’d even be able to play. Eleanor’s had a painful knee problem for the last part of the season, and then the callouses on her feet had recently broken open, exposing very tender skin. Yikes.

She decided after warming up to give it a go, so I watched her play and win her match. Though she won and advanced to the next round, the pain in her knee and feet was too much, forcing her to withdraw from the next round. The risk of further injury was too great and not worth it. You see Eleanor is also very active in ballet, and an important performance was coming up. She didn’t want to jeopardize participation in her last year of dance.

But I was so happy and thankful she got to win the last high school match she will ever play in. Yet at the same time, I felt a pit in my stomach knowing this was the last time I will ever see her do so. It was kind of sad, actually.

The next thing after the last thing I’m sure you’ve had your own this is the last time I will ever… moments in life. The thing I’ve learned about them is that they often lead to something better. It’s not always true, but often the last time of experiencing something good makes room for the next thing - a better thing - to occur.

As with most kids, Eleanor learned valuable lessons in sports that will serve her well for many years into the future. Her last time I will ever… moment was built upon hard work, sacrifice, dealing with adversity, and self-discipline. It’s prepared her well for something even better coming down the road as a young adult. What she learned in her last thing has been great preparation for the next thing, whatever that may be.

Two of the last time I will ever… moments converge There’s an interesting connection to this last-time-moment of Eleanor’s and one of my own the last time I will ever…events. At least it’s interesting to me, and hopefully to you, too.

In the four years Eleanor played tennis for her school, she had never played at the high school where the sectionals for the state tournament were held, and where she played her last ever tennis match. It surprised me because the school is fairly close to her own. I thought the two were in the same conference, but they weren’t, I later learned.

The connection with me is that I was a teacher for 7+ years at this very same high school where Eleanor played her last tennis match. It is the site of one of the most significant last time I will ever … moments in my life.

In December of 1978, at the end of the last school day right before Christmas. I walked out of my classroom, down the stairs, and out to the parking lot to my car to drive away for the last time I will ever teach at that school. Or any school for that matter. I did so with tears in my eyes because I so loved my job. It was a great experience for me, one I’ve always been thankful for even many years later.

But on this day I was hanging it up for the last time. Why I left teaching is a story for another day, but for now, I can tell you I felt God calling me into the business world. In order to do this, our school superintendent was so kind and gracious in letting me out of my teaching contract in the middle of the year.

On to the next thing “Best of luck to you,” he said the last time I saw him. “I got started in business and years ago made the switch o public education. Now you’re going in the opposite direction. I hope it works out well for you, but if it doesn’t, you’ll be welcomed back here if we have an opening.”

Eleanor’s last time I will ever play high school tennis and my last time I will ever teach in a high school occurred in the very same place, just 40-some years apart.

My last time I will ever teach at that high school led to a 25-year career in business, which paved the way for 10+ years in the missionary care ministry My wife and I are involved in now.

I am so thankful for this last time ever experience, even for the sadness that came with it, because it showed I was leaving something meaningful to me. There was a sense of loss in the midst of the excitement of going to something new, with all the possibilities that awaited me in the business world.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for your life?

It’s important to note that not all the last time I will ever… moments are as positive as the ones I’ve described. Living in a fallen world as we do, there’s the last time we will ever see a loved one, the last time I will ever work at a job I was forced out of, the last time I will ever find joy in a relationship that ended, etc. You know what I’m talking about.

Having said this, though, it’s helpful to look for the joy when we go through a the last time I will ever… moment. Sometimes the joy is found in a beautiful memory it created, and sometimes it’s found in anticipating the future.

I wonder what joy you may have found in one of your the last time I will ever… moments. I bet our other listeners would love to know, too. You can share this in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes, or you can send it to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Better yet, respond with your phone or computer by going to PodinBox.com/John, and record your answer, much like leaving a voice mail.

Relationship question of the month What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for?

It can be just about anything. Like a time someone was especially kind to you. Or maybe something you learned from a person in your life. It could be something you observed in a crowd or in the company of strangers. Just about anything involving a relationship you’re grateful for would be fair game.

Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple.

I’ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16, 2022. Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer. If something comes to mind right now, head over to PodinBox.com/John and give me a call.

I’ll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to put into practice what you’ve heard about finding joy in reflecting upon the last time you ever experienced something significant to you.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. Come back next time for episode 183 and another relational part of life we can be thankful for this November in 2022, and every month and year thereafter.

If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/182. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week’s episode 181: Tenderness Found in Two Unusual Places

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A friend I hadn’t seen in a while asked me the other day what was going on in my life. “Lots of death,” I said, filling in my response with examples.. Another thing going on was a moment of tenderness I saw in a man consoling his wife in a restaurant. I’ve been thinking for days about the tenderness I saw in both the restaurant and the deaths I described. It’s what we’re looking at in today’s episode. Tenderness in relationships found in unusual places.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Two Funerals Last week’s episode, no. 180 was about finding joy in an unusual place. Today we’re going to look at tenderness in relationships, and two unusual places to find it. The first is in the context is death. It’s certainly an unusual place to think about tenderness, but I saw it at the funeral of Dennis, the husband of a former co-worker of mine who died unexpectedly.

I didn’t know him all that well, but I saw his tenderness in the photos of him with his wife and children. The slideshow that flashed across the screen at the front of the sanctuary showed a man who loved his family. You could see it in his smile. You could also hear it in what the pastor shared about him and his faithfulness and commitment to his family.

Another place I saw tenderness was at the memorial service for a longtime friend and missionary who succumbed to cancer. I couldn’t make it to the service in person, so I watched it online. He was a leader and visionary in his mission organization and several of his colleagues talked about what a kind and compassionate man he was. With tears in their eyes, they spoke of his humility and how he mentored each of them in ways that brought out the best in each one of them.

His wife and son also spoke. His wife, in particular, showed how devastated her loss has been. She spoke briefly about how much God hates death and the impact it has had on her. The tenderness in her loving relationship with her husband made the pain of her tragedy all the more difficult to watch.

Shouldering a difficult responsibility The last example of death that’s been surrounding me lately began with a text I recently received from Martin, my former missionary friend. I talked about him in episodes 071 and 072.

Martin wrote. “Josephine went to be with Jesus this afternoon and is now again united with Suzanne.” Josephine was his wife Suzanne’s mother who lived with them. When Suzanne died two years ago, Martin became the prime caregiver of his mother-in-law.

This was a difficult responsibility for Martin in the context of his deep grief over losing his wife so suddenly and unexpectedly. It was also burdensome because of the significant health challenges his 80-something mother-in-law faced. I don’t know of many men who would have accepted this responsibility. Over the past two years, Martin and I talked about how wearisome it was for him.

But in his commitment to his mother-in-law, I saw a tenderness in his relationship to his deceased wife. By caring for her mother, Martin was honoring Suzanne. Both of them returned first from China and then Germany to move to Chicago for the sole purpose of caring for Josephine. And Martin followed through on that commitment even though his wife was no longer with him to help. It’s really quite a touching story of love.

Tenderness at a restaurant Finally, In the midst of all this death I’ve been talking about, there was also a moment of tenderness I witnessed in a man consoling his wife in a restaurant. Not about death, but about money. I’ve been thinking about it for days.

I saw it played out on a weekend trip Janet and I took to a vacation spot in northeastern Wisconsin, Door County. There’s a well-known restaurant there we like to go to for breakfast, The White Gull Inn. While walking behind the hostess ushering us to our table, I spotted a young couple in their early 30s.

I only overheard a small part of their conversation as they talked over the menu options. It was when the husband leaned across the table to his wife, looked her in the eye, and with the most compassionate and reassuring of voices, said,

“…. we’re on vacation.”

It was a moment of tenderness I won’t soon forget. From what I could tell from hearing the husband and seeing his eyes and body language, “We’re on vacation” was code for,

“Don’t worry about the price, honey. Order what you’d really like. I know what you’d like is a little more expensive, but we’ve been pinching pennies all year. I know you worry about spending too much money, but just this once, treat yourself. You’re worth it. We’ll be okay with the money. We’ll figure it out. We’ve been saving for quite a while to do this. So enjoy yourself, please. Do it for me, okay? We’re on vacation.”

I could only see the back of the wife’s head, but I have a hunch there were tears in her eyes in response to the tenderness of her husband.

We’ve been there too Janet and I are twice as old as this couple, and we’ve had a number of “…we’re on vacation” moments like this. Where because of our financial condition at the time, the price difference between two scrambled eggs and the Denver omelet seemed like half a mortgage payment.

I was so taken by this guy’s compassion for his wife. It encouraged me to be more like him. And then, several days after this tender moment in time, I thought of something else.

I wish I would have had the presence of mind to get the attention of their waitress and tell her to bring me their bill, and I would pay for it. Yeah, I wish I would have thought of that.

So what does all this mean for YOU? I’ve talked about two unusual places where I found tenderness. At funerals and at a restaurant. How about you? I wonder what are the unusual places you’ve found tenderness displayed. My guess is there are more places all of us could witness tender relationship moments if we paid attention and looked for them. Now is as good a time as any to start.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

The tenderness you see in relationships, often in unusual places, can inspire us to develop and nurture tenderness in our own relationships. It’s worth the effort to look for it. We’ll be better people for it.

Relationship question of the month Last week I introduced you to PodInBox.com, a website you can go to to leave a private voicemail for me. I would like to experiment with this tool to get listeners more involved with the episodes I’m planning for November, the month of Thanksgiving.

For example, I have a relationship question I’d like you to answer by going to podinbox.com/john. There you can record your answer to my question using your phone or computer. I’m going to call it my “Question of the Month.” With your answer, please include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple. There’s nothing to write or prepare. Okay? Here’s the question:

What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for?

I’ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16. Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer. If something comes to mind right now, head over to PodinBox.com/John and give me a call.

I’ll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode, either in writing or a phone call through PodinBox.com/John. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard about looking for tenderness in unusual places.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/181. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
072: How to Help a Grieving Friend
071: What I learned from a Grieving Friend
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week’s episode 180: An Unusual Place to Find Joy

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You wouldn’t think you could find joy in the midst of difficult life events, but you can if you know how to look for it. Today’s episode is an interview with someone who did just that.

Stuck in the world’s busiest airport after her flight was canceled, Our guest today, Jennifer Uren, shares what she did while waiting on standby for another flight, anxious to get to her destination for a speaking engagement the next day.

Besides being one of the most interesting stories I’ve heard in a while, it illustrates a relationship lesson the rest of us can use to find joy even when life takes us in a direction we’d rather not go.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Near the end of today’s show, I’m going to explain a new technology I want to try out that involves your participation. It has the potential to be great fun, but more on that later.

An intriguing Facebook post To begin, here’s my interview with Jennifer Uren. It starts with why I contacted her in the first place.

[I’m sorry there’s no transcript of the interview. Please consider listening to it by clicking on johncertalic.com/180. Here though, is her Facebook post which prompted me to contact her.]

“Monday I was delayed and hung out at the airport all day and people watched.

“When you pay attention, you can find connections and ways to serve weary travelers.

“Like the older gentleman making calls and getting the runaround and hearing him say, ‘I don’t have anything to write with,’ so you jump up and bring him a pen so he doesn’t have to call back.

“Or the mom standing in line to talk with the gate agent while her toddler explores, and you make eye contact to let her know you’ll be her second set of eyes.

“Or the gentleman who has been on standby all day with you and just needed someone to hear his story and how he misses his dog.”

So what does all this mean for YOU? I sure enjoyed my conversation with Jennifer, and I hope you did. too. I love how her Facebook post illustrated the ORA principle of relationships I’ve talked about on this podcast. Observe - Reflect - Act. Her action at the airport was the result of her reflection on what she observed while waiting all day to catch her flight.

Today’s episode also makes me wonder how you can use what you’ve heard today to find more joy in the relationships in your life.

I suggest that instead of looking outside of yourself to find more joy in life, look inside and ask how yourself, how can I create a small measure of joy for others? By becoming a source of joy for people, you’ll create it for yourself. It’s an unusual place to find joy, I know. It’s counter-intuitive. But it works. Give it a try.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

To find more joy in life, don't limit yourself to the usual places you go to. Entertainment, sports, family, close friends. Those are sources of joy we draw from, which are all fine. Instead, expand your horizons and see if you can find joy in difficult circumstances by creating it for others. Maybe even for complete strangers. Because when we create joy for others, we create it for ourselves.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show - enough to try creating a little joy for the people you meet.

I’d love to hear how this goes for you, so please contact me with any stories of what you try doing. Stories similar to what you heard in today’s episode.

And this is where the new technology comes in that I mentioned earlier. To contact me with the brief stories you want to share, go to the website Podinbox.com/John. There you can record a voice message with your response from either your phone or computer. Include your name and where you’re from. It’s that simple. Nothing to write at all.

I’ll then play a few of the responses in a future episode. Who knows, I may pick yours! It will look good on your resume if I do! That website again Podinbox.com/John.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/180. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.

And don’t forget to check out Jennifer’s podcast, This Mom Knows. And while you’re at, spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 085: Finding Joy at the End of 2020
103: The Secret to Great Relationships
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

This Mom Knows podcast

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It seems to me that we are living in an increasingly noisy world. So many sounds, so many words, so many messages competing for our attention. I’m going to tell you a story today about how someone communicated with whispers that drowned out all the noise in the room. It’s a great relationship lesson about listening to the whispers.

But before we get into today’s topic, here’s what this podcast is all about.

A volunteer opportunity One of my favorite memories of our twin grandsons growing up is when Janet and I volunteered a couple of hours of our time at their grade school, once every couple of months or so. We would go to their classroom, and their teacher would have us help kids work on various tasks they were assigned.

Unlike when we were in grade school, where desks were arranged in straight rows, their classroom had groups of four desks, facing each other to form a square. Janet and I would then go from group to group and help with any math, science, or reading assignments the kids were working on. All this while the teacher was working with her own larger reading group.

The most memorable of these occasions happened when the boys were, I think, in 2nd grade. We walked in one morning near the beginning of the school year and met their teacher for the first time. I thought she was an 8th grader - she was so small and looked so very young. I immediately liked her. She assigned us to our different groups of 4 students, while she worked with her group.

On this particular day, Janet was off in one corner of the room with a group, while I worked with another group. In mine, there was a boy struggling over something he didn’t quite understand. He got so frustrated that he started crying. So I helped him figure out whatever it was he didn’t get, and he finally calmed down. I felt so bad for him. School can be so demoralizing for some kids.

It got noisy About this time, I noticed that the noise in the classroom began to increase. All these groups of 4 working on things and talking with each other. They weren’t goofing off, they were just talking with each other as they did their work. But it was getting louder and louder.

I then wondered how this diminutive young teacher was going to handle the situation. When I was a teacher right out of college, I would have shouted out something like , “Hey! It’s getting too loud in here! I can’t hear myself think. Dial it down a few notches.”

She did just the opposite. It was fascinating to watch. When the noise started to get to her too, she stopped with her reading group, and stood up from her chair. Keep in mind she wasn’t that much taller than her students. I expected she was going to shout out something, but she didn’t. Rather than talking louder than the kids, she spoke softer, almost in a whisper, asking the kids very politely to lower their voices.

I was skeptical. How are these kids going to quiet down with her speaking so softly? Then an amazing thing happened. Slowly, one child noticed the teacher talking, who then asked the four classmates in her group to quiet down. “Shhh! I can’t hear what she’s saying.”

This soon spread around the room. Kids stopped talking so they could listen to the whispers of the teacher. My respect for the teacher grew even more. I wish I would have tried this technique when I was in her shoes years ago. Her whispers reminded me of one of my favorite passages in the Bible.

God whispers It’s a story of Elijah who had just won a confrontation with the prophets of Baal, and he was physically and emotionally exhausted. God then shows up and asks Elijah a question. I’ll read the question that begins the story in 1 Kings 19:9-15

“What are you doing here, Elijah?”
“Elijah replied, ‘I have zealously served the LORD God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me, too."

“Go out and stand before me on the mountain,” the LORD told him. And as Elijah stood there, the LORD passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the LORD was not in the wind.

After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake, there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire, there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave.

Whispers can get our attention God wasn’t in anything dramatic or noticeable. He didn’t wow Elijah with his presence. God got Elijah’s attention with a gentle whisper. Just like the grade school teacher of my twin grandsons. It’s how God works a lot of times, through his gentle whisper.

It’s hard for us to hear his whispers sometimes because of all the noise around us competing for our attention. I don’t need to give you examples, you know what I’m talking about. They’re the metaphorical windstorms, earthquakes, and fires that Elijah experienced. It’s hard to hear the whispers of God through them. But we can if we try. Like the 2nd graders who stopped talking so they could hear their soft-spoken teacher speak.

So what does all this mean for YOU? A couple of ideas come to mind about listening to the whispers of God.

I’ll start with noise. Get rid of it as best you can. Turn off the radio, the music, the TV. And dare I say… the podcast. Build some measure of silence into your life. Create space for God to whisper to you. God is a gentleman and won’t barge into your mind and heart if they’re filled with things that distract you from Him.

I wonder, too, if God, through his Holy Spirit, has already been whispering to you. Is he prompting you to take a certain action or think a particular thought? Like saying something to encourage someone. Or deciding to forgive that person who hurt you. Hmmm.

Finally, if you’re not hearing anything from God, ask him to whisper something important to you that you need to hear. The whisper may come from a verse in the Bible, something you see in nature, or a thought from a friend. There’s no limit to God’s creativity in communicating with us.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode The loud and dramatic get our attention. Most of it, though, is just noise. And it's not how God usually communicates with us. More often than not, he reaches out to us with whispers. Whispers from his Holy Spirit, from the Bible, and from people he prompts to act on our behalf. Good things happen when we listen to God’s whispers.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard about listening to the whispers from God.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/179. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

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There are so many thoughts about relationships running around in my head lately that I’ve wanted to share with you. They’ve been like little kids scrambling for the candy thrown from 4th of July floats parading down the street. I’ll tell you about a few of them in today’s episode because they’re examples of good relationships I’ve seen in action that can inspire us to relate in similar ways with the people in our lives.

But before we get into today's topic, here’s what this podcast is all about.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Observing a good relationship in action The first example of good relationships in action is something I saw at our granddaughter’s tennis tournament several weeks ago. As I was getting the lawn chairs out of our vehicle, another one pulled in next to me - a couple in their late 30s, I would guess. When the wife got out of their van, she looked at me and asked, “Are you a therapist? I saw your license plate and wondered if you’re a therapist.” My license plate, as you can see from the photo in the show notes, reads “I LISTEN.”

I said I wasn’t, but that I LISTEN refers to a major theme of the podcast I do. I then asked her if she listens to podcasts. She said she does and asked the name of mine, so I told her. It was interesting that she connected listening with therapy. Good therapists do listen, of course. Good friends listen even more. But I don’t think I’ll ever be asked, “Are you a good friend to people?”

I wondered later if SHE was a therapist. I wish I would have asked her. That could have made for an interesting conversation. Instead, I started to talk to her husband as he pulled a baby stroller out of the back of their minivan. I asked him if he knew someone playing in the tournament. He told me, “no,” but were there to watch the granddaughter of one of their friends play.

Relational Sunshine at a tennis tournament What a great example of good relationships in action. This couple supporting their older friend by being at his side while he supported his granddaughter by watching her tennis match. The couple and grandfather could have been
doing other things on the beautiful sunny Saturday of the tennis tournament. But that’s how it is with good relationships, they involve sacrifice at times.

Without knowing it, this couple spread a little relational sunshine into my life that morning. I wish we were neighbors. They just showed up for their friend and his granddaughter. They reminded me that I can do the same thing for others. And so can you.

The relationship between the grandfather, his friends, and the granddaughter reminded me of what a missionary once told me about how people could best care for her. She said, “When you love my baby, you love me…even if my baby is 23.” What a great principle to nurture good relationships.

Missed opportunities to nurture good relationships That Saturday at the tennis tournament, I was struck by how few parents or other adults come to watch their children or grandchildren play. It’s never crowded at a high school tennis match. I can understand low attendance at weekday matches late in the afternoon after school lets out. It would be hard for many parents with jobs to get to there on time. But Saturday matches? Come on people.

It’s similar to what I experienced when our son played high school basketball. We would go to his games and get to meet the parents of the other players. At one particular game, I remember talking to one of the other fathers, mentioning I hadn’t seen him in a while, and that it was good to have him back in the stands with the rest of us.

He said, “Yeah, I haven’t been coming because my son doesn’t get to play much. He just sits on the bench. No sense in coming if he’s not playing.”

Ouch, I thought. What a missed opportunity to be part of his son’s life without having to say or do anything. Just sit and watch, even if his boy is on the bench. Just show up. We underestimate the power of showing up for things our kids are involved in. Our son sat on the bench for a while, too. But to only come when your kid is playing sends the wrong kind of message.

It says, “I want to be part of your life when you’re succeeding, namely when the coach gets you off the bench and puts you in the game. But otherwise, not so much.” This isn’t the way to develop good relationships with your children.

Tell people how they impacted you makes for good relationships Here’s another example of a good relationship at work. There’s a small diner near us where Janet and I have gotten to know the manager. She was working the grill the last time we were there. It was quite busy, but when things slowed down, she came out to our booth and said, “I just listened to your latest podcast episode, and it brought me to tears. I’m going to go back to episode 1 and start listening to all of them. I especially want to hear the interview that you did about the wife who cleaned off the grave marker of her husband's first wife.”

What kind and thoughtful comments for the manager to make in the midst of her busy shift. I got a little sunburn from this relational sunshine.

Good relationships can be nurtured by applying what we read in books The last relationship thought I’ll leave you with comes from a book I’m reading by Alan Alda entitled If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face - My Adventures in the Art and Science of Relating and Communicating. You remember Alan Alda from MASH*, don’t you? Among other things, he talks in the book about how people can actually learn empathy. Really, people can LEARN to be empathetic? That’s encouraging! It’s such an important part of good relationships. I’m going to review the book in more detail in a future episode. It’s really quite good.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life?

In the relationship stories I mentioned today, a common theme in all 3 is that they came about by observing.

Observing the couple coming to the tennis tournament to support their friend and his granddaughter. The restaurant manager observing how someone was impacting her life and then telling that person. And finally, observing what an author says in his book that will help good relationships develop.

So what are you observing in others? In yourself? In the books you read? I’d love to hear any examples you observe of good relationships in action. I bet the rest of our listening audience would, too. You can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org, or by filling in the Leave a Comment box at the end of the show notes.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode One way to develop good relationships is to watch how other people do it. Notice how people show up for one another, how they listen and encourage each other. And then do what they do with your relationships.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/178.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 172: How to Develop Deeper Relationships
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last Week's Episode 177: How to Relate With High-Maintenance People

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

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I received a disturbing email from a missionary serving overseas the other day that mentioned a relationship challenge he and his wife were facing. It’s an issue most of us have had to handle at one time or another. Namely, how to relate with high-maintenance people. It’s the subject of today’s show, where you will hear a few ideas for how you can deal with this challenge. I also explain why I found this missionary's email troublesome. It’s not what you might think.

That troublesome email And now for that troublesome email I got about high-maintenance people. I am one of many on the mailing list of the missionary who sent it, who, in connection with his missionary role, pastors a church overseas. The email came from him and his wife, with news they heard from their daughter while they were out of town.

For confidentiality reasons, I’ve changed the names of the people mentioned in the email. It begins with this:

Emily, one of our extra-grace church members, had died alone in her apartment. It wasn’t a big surprise. She had been in and out of the hospital more times than we can count. For most of us, her passing left us with a confusing mix of relief and sadness. She constantly challenged the limits of love and patience. She loved Jesus but sadly died without being reconciled with her own family. And Jared was her pastor for over 20 years - not always an easy job.

The first thing that jumps out at me is the descriptive term they use for the woman who died, “extra-grace church member.” From the context of the email, you can tell “extra-grace church members” is code for a high-maintenance person who wears people out, and who requires us to extend extra grace to maintain our sanity. Something like that, anyway. I’ll come back to this term in a minute.

I feel for this missionary/pastor and his wife. Many of us have been in high-maintenance relationships like this that tax our energy. The times I’ve been in situations like this, I want to hide or flee. But as a pastor, you don’t have that option. People like this come with the territory.

The problem with labels But here’s why I find the email troubling: the description of the woman as “one of our extra-grace church members.” I first came across this concept at a church we were at years ago. Janet and I were on the congregational care
committee and would meet periodically to help with this important function of the church. At one particular meeting, we were given a list compiled by one of the pastoral staff of 6-8 people at our church who had various needs. Their names were listed together with what they needed. Things like hospital visits, meals for people getting out of the hospital, rides to church, etc.

Next to one of the names was a note, EGR. When I asked what EGR meant, I was told it meant “Extra Grace Required.” It referred to the person as being very needy, expecting a lot from the church staff, and who expressed displeasure when those needs were not met.

I cringed inside when I heard this. What if that list got out to the person, or anyone else for that matter, and EGR was explained to them? Who also is an EGR person in the church? Am I on the list, too, people might wonder. When we label people, it ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Please don’t do this. Please don’t label people like this. It can cause so much harm. Euphemisms and labels like this grow out of frustration, but they separate us from each other.

Source of the problem in relating to high-maintenance people So what’s behind this kind of labeling and view of people? I’m sure it starts with pure motives. People like the missionary and the pastoral staff want to help, they want to minister to people. It’s why most of them get into ministry. They feel called by God to do what they do.

And I hope the same can be said for the rest of us. That while we may not be a missionary or a pastor, we want to care for people. We want to help each other. It’s wired into our DNA at some level because we are all created in the image and likeness of God. There’s a little bit of God’s character in all of us.

Given all this, let’s consider the source of the problem of relating to high-maintenance people. It’s easy to say the problem is with those people who are a pain in the neck with their demands and all that they require of us.In the reality, though, the problem is US, not them. People become high-maintenance to us largely because we let them. In some cases, we’ve trained others to be needy in their relationship with us. We do so mostly because we lack the skill to relate well with high-maintenance people. And it’s no wonder. For pastors and missionaries, how to relate well with difficult people isn’t normally taught in seminaries or bible colleges. The rest of us haven’t been taught either.

The good news is that we can learn the skill we need to deal with the needy. One skill that would be helpful to learn in situations like this is to apply the ORA model of relationships that I’ve talked about a number of times. Observe - Reflect - Act.

Observe Let’s start with observe. What patterns of behavior do you see in the high-maintenance person, not isolated events, but patterns? What are the things that trigger those patterns? Is there one specific behavior that bothers me, or is it a constellation of behaviors? Is this person high-maintenance with just me, or is he or she like this with other people, too? How long has this person been so needy? Do you have any idea of when this person started being high-maintenance, or have they always been this way?

We also need to observe what is going on inside of me. It’s about self-awareness, one of the most important relational skills there is. Is there anything that high-maintenance people trigger within me? What buttons might people like this be pushing within me? Am I a people pleaser, and as hard as I try, there’s just no pleasing this high-maintenance person in my life? Am I trying to prove something to myself or someone else in keeping people happy? Is saying “no” to people hard for me, and if it is, why?

And is it possible, that my identity is so wrapped up in helping people that I kind of like it when they're needy? But only in the beginning, until they wear me out.

Reflect After making these observations, we need to reflect. For example, reflect upon what’s been done up to this point to deal with the needs of the high-maintenance person. What’s worked and what hasn’t? What other options do I have? To what extent have I been truthful with the high-maintenance person in my life?

Reflect upon my limits. Have I exceeded them? Do I need more margin in my life in order to have the emotional energy to relate well with high-maintenance people and others in my life?

Every time I say “yes” to what high-maintenance people ask of me means I’m saying “no” to something else. What is it costing me in other areas of my life to relate with needy people like this?

Reflect upon what might be causing this high-maintenance person to be the way they are. Take a guess. Every behavior has a payoff, so what could be the payoff to the person being a difficulty to others? What’s in it for them? Could their behavior be a manifestation of a mental illness?

What have I done in the past when I just didn’t know what to do? Are there other people who could help me in helping the high-maintenance person in my life?

Reflect upon what Jesus would do in the situation you’re in.

Reflect upon what would be the loving thing to do. Not the nice thing, but the loving thing. What would benefit the high-maintenance person the most, long-term?

And then reflect on this thought, do I already know what I should do, and I’m just reluctant to do it?

Act Finally, after we observe and reflect, it’s time to act in relating with the high-maintenance people in our life.

Ask God for wisdom. He’ll show you what to do. Reflect his character and image well in whatever action you take.

Doing nothing can be a wise option as long as it’s carefully thought out and considered in light of all the variables in play.

The answer to “what should I do?” may very well appear to you after you reflect upon what you observed. It often happens that way.

Listen well to high-maintenance people. Ask good questions. Look for meaning below the surface of their responses.

Whatever you decide to do, be truthful and express that truth with kindness and compassion. Be honest.

Tell the high-maintenance person what you can and can’t do for them.

Help them see the choices they have and the implications for each of them

Above all, point people to Jesus.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Don’t let high-maintenance people get the best of you. Use the ORA principle of deepening relationships to relate with them. Observe, Reflect, then Act. It’s a skill. And as with any skill, it just takes practice.

Closing I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard about relating with high-maintenance people.
For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/177.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 020: Relating with People Who Talk Too Much
128: The Joy of Relationships
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes
JohnCertalic.com

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In episode 166 a few months ago I shared stories about how we can experience the joy of relationships when people spread a little relational sunshine around. Today’s episode is another story that shows how it’s done. A story that will make you smile. One you can adapt to spark joy in your own relationships.

If you’re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access all past and future episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. You’ll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it’s about.

Someone with a need Today’s example of the joy of relationships started with my wife, Janet, and a particular need she had. We were preparing for a week at Forest Springs, a Christian camp where we’ve been going to for years with our son and his family. Janet felt the need for a pedicure before we went and checked in to the place where she’s gone for this in the past. This time, though, She was disturbed by how much it was going to cost, as they had recently raised their rates.

Sensing this problem, I offered to solve it. Because I’m a guy and that’s what we do.

“Let me paint your toenails, Janet,” I said gleefully.

“I’ve never done it before, but how hard can it be? I’ll watch a YouTube video to learn how. There are paint brushes in a tin can down in the basement I can use. All you need to do is get the paint you want, and we’ll be good to go. Think how much money we’ll save!”

One joy of relationships is feeling free to ask for help Her response surprised me as it was not as appreciative as I had expected. She was not as confident in my skill level in this kind of thing as I was.

“I think I’ll ask Eleanor instead“, Janet replied. “I like the way she does her own toes; she’s quite artistic, and maybe she’ll do mine.”

Yeah, right I thought. Eleanor is our 17-year-old granddaughter and was quite busy with tennis lessons, ballet practice, and her part-time job at Target. I know her heart would be in the right place, but she won’t have time.

A few days later Janet asked Eleanor if she would give her a pedicure. In the blink of an eye, Eleanor said, “Sue, Grandma. Of course. We’ll make it a spa day!”

A week later Eleanor drove over to our house for her and Janet’s “Spa Day.” She’s only 17, and I’m just starting to get used to her driving. I used to drive her to school every Tuesday, and now she’s driving herself. She’s growing up way too fast.

The joy of relationships in blessing someone Anyway, she came to our house and went off into our small room where we have our TV and started in on Janet’s toes. About halfway through the procedure, I wandered in and snapped a photo of our artist at work. It’s the cover photo for today’s episode. Be sure to look at it if you haven’t already done so.

Walking out of the room I thought, what kind of kid does this kind of thing? There are adults working at beauty salons for a living who hate the idea of touching someone’s feet. Yet here Eleanor is doing this willingly. That evening I posted the photo on Facebook with the comment, You know your granddaughter loves you when she paints your toenails. That’s the kind of kid who does that kind of thing. A girl who loves her grandmother.

The scene so reminded me of Jesus washing the feet of the disciples. Both scenes depict the joy of relationships. One person serving the needs of another. One person blessing another.

The joy of relationships in watching others In reflecting on the photo I took and what it captures I witnessed the joy of relationships on several levels. It starts with Janet feeling free to ask Eleanor to help her, knowing how busy our granddaughter was. Eleanor could easily have said, I’d love to, but I’m too busy, and Janet would have understood. She would have been okay with that.

Janet loves getting her toenails painted, and she felt blessed that Eleanor did this for her. Her joy tank was filled to overflowing.

I felt joy in watching how this incident brought out the best in Eleanor. Whenever we willingly serve others it brings out the best in us. We were made for this, you know.

I also felt Joy in seeing how my son and daughter-in-law raised Eleanor. Teenagers don’t inherently want to paint their grandmother's toenails. Her parents disciplined her well at an early age, and instilled virtues in her that make joy in relationships possible.

For me, I felt the joy of relationships just watching this bonding activity of our granddaughter with Janet. It had nothing to do with me, but it filled my heart with joy to see them relating with each other like this.

When all 10 toes were painted to perfection, Janet and Eleanor left the house to go out for lunch and a little shopping - a perfect ending to their spa day.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? A couple of ideas from this episode come to mind.

First off, ask for help from someone you normally wouldn’t ask. Even ask a teenager. They can do more than we often give them credit for.
Look for the Spirit of God working in the lives of people around you.
Be sensitive to what pleases others. Be a joy giver, not just a joy watcher
Watch people interact with each other. Develop your people-watching skills. Cultivate a holy curiosity.
Observing the joy of relationships between two strangers can fill your heart, too.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

One of the great joys of life is the joy of relationships. We experience it by delighting in blessing other people, watching others do the same, and being thankful when people bless and delight in us.

Closing I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard about creating opportunities to experience the joy of relationships.

For when you do, it will help you experience what God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/176.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 166: How to Spread a Little Relational Sunshine
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

View Details

Relationship stories from our past have a way of shaping us years after they occurred. I have two of them that happened decades ago during this month of September. It wasn’t until many years had passed that I understood the impact these two events had on my life.

It’s what I’m going to talk about in today’s episode because I bet you have stories like this, too.

Welcome to You Were Made for This Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I'm John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

If you’re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access all past and future episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That’s John with an “H” and Certalic with a C-e-r-t-a-l-i-c, dot com. You’ll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it’s about.

Every September Both of the stories from my past that greatly affected me happened in September. The first has to do with my grandma, my dad’s mother. Every Labor Day I saw her crying over the death of her daughter Helen in a car crash on Labor Day that happened many years ago in the late 1920s or early 30s. It was the only time I ever saw her cry. I felt so bad for her.

My dad was pretty young at the time, not even a teenager yet. He was in the car with his sisters Helen and Josephine, and Grandma when it happened. Aunt Jo, as we called her, was driving the car. Everyone survived except Helen.

During the time I was doing genealogy work in an effort to locate my birth father, I also found the death certificate of my dad’s sister Helen in the Register of Deeds office. I took notes about it, but I can’t find them. Maybe I'll go down there to look again if I can get in. I remember the name of the road where the crash took place, and where it happened. I’ve driven through this location. And when I do I always think of the heartache my Grandma experienced on that Labor Day so long ago, and how it stayed with her the rest of her life.

Pain that doesn’t go away This is one of the stories from my past that helped shape me. It was the first time, I saw an adult cry over pain in their life. A piece of my Grandmother’s heart was ripped out of her decades ago and there was nothing anyone could do to fix it now. There was no way to make the pain of this traumatic loss go away. Yet in spite of this hole in her heart she was able to love me, and the rest of our family, along with her network of Slovenian immigrant friends.

I wish I had asked questions about the crash. Questions of my dad or grandmother. Questions like: how did this affect everyone? What caused the accident? Was Aunt Jo responsible for the accident, or was someone else who crashed into them? Did she feel guilty? How did she and Grandma relate after the accident? What was Helen like? What kind of person was she?

Where is she buried? What was my dad’s relationship with Helen before she was killed? Anyone who could answer these questions are long gone.

I had opportunities to ask my dad and grandma these questions, but like all of us, I was more concerned with issues facing me in the present. So I didn’t ask them, and I’m at a loss for it. I didn’t appreciate how this tragic event from the past affected my father and grandmother. Had I known more of what they went through back then it could have shed some light on how they both related to me in the present. The past often illuminates the present. I regret not learning this important relationship lesson earlier in life.

I hope you learn it. Sooner rather than later.

Another September tragedy Of all the relationship stories from my past, the most impactful one happened when I was 15 years old and my friend Mark, who lived across the street, was killed on September 10, 1964.

I wrote about this in my book THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. Here’s a brief excerpt:

“Of all the memories of my dad, however, the one that sticks out the most is the day Bozo died. I cringe now even using his name, but that is what we all affectionately called Mark, a neighbor boy who lived across the street. To refer to him now as Mark seems disrespectful. We all loved Bozo. Our neighborhood had lots of kids who hung around together, and we all got along well with each other. He was an integral part of our community, a community torn apart the evening Bozo was killed.

“It was a few days after school started in September and my brother and I had just gone downstairs to do our homework in our basement bedroom—our boy cave. Suddenly, we heard unexpected footsteps coming down the stairs. It was our mother. Visibly shaken, she sat on one of our beds.

“‘I have some very bad news to tell you.’

“There was a long pause as she started to choke up, and then composed herself.

“‘Bozo was riding his bike home from a park late this afternoon and was hit by a car. And he died.’

“He died? Bozo is dead? How can that be? We just saw him yesterday. How could he be dead? I wondered. That just can’t be.

My family reacts to the tragic news “Quietly sobbing, my mother went back upstairs. Shortly thereafter, my brother Joe and I followed upstairs. I remember all of us wandering around in disbelief, like disoriented ants, not knowing what to think and feeling quite shocked. With dusk setting in, I looked out a window and saw something I will never forget.

“There was Bozo’s father, walking down the middle of the street of our quiet sleepy neighborhood, with my dad beside him, arm over his shoulder. My dad was no grief counselor. He had no training in this area, but he was a good neighbor and he cared for his friend. When I hear the expression 'walking with someone through difficult times,' I think of this image of my dad, who did this literally and figuratively for a neighbor whose son had just been killed.

“I can’t help but admire a man like that. For though he didn’t treat me as well as he should have, he did the best he could. Relating to adults was easier for him; he was just unskilled in relating to his oldest son, who biologically was not his own. Yeah, I can have compassion for a dad like that, who had compassion for a grieving friend. I can forgive someone like him. Sure. I can do that. I should do that. Since I want to do that, I will. I will forgive. And I did.”

THEM, Chapter 13, “Forgiveness”, pages 170-171

This story from my past grew me This story from my past grew me in several ways. It was my first realization that people close to me will one day die. I knew this in my mind, of course, but Bozo’s death embedded this reality in my heart.

When I was working on the book I wrote, I wasn’t sure of the exact date and year of Bozo’s death. So I went to the cemetery next to the church his family and mine attended. It took a while, but I found his gravestone. I took a photo
of it and you can see in the show notes. He would be 71 today had he lived, instead of dying at age 13.

I loved the inscription on his gravestone, “In God’s Care.” I hope his parents and siblings believed this, and that it brought them comfort.

It was important for me to go to his grave because it confirmed for me that what I thought happened many years ago actually did occur at the time I remembered. Do you ever think like this, where you second guess yourself about events from long ago? Did this really happen?

Understanding may not come for many years And as I mentioned in the reading from the book, this experience grew me by seeing a side of my father that made it easier to forgive him for how he parented me. But I didn’t really see it until many years later. What I witnessed that evening was an observation, but I was too immature to reflect on what I observed.

It wasn’t until many years later, with the Spirit of God working in my heart, that I could reflect on the meaning of that poignant scene of my dad walking down the middle of the street, his arm over the shoulder of a neighbor whose son had just been killed.

So what does all this mean for YOU? What are the stories from your past that would be helpful to reflect upon now? Maybe now is the time to ask God to help you find a larger meaning to something that impacted you years ago. Maybe there’s something you missed then that could help you grow now.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Stories from our past can continue to grow us. Reflecting on them through the lens of God’s spirit within us will often yield deeper insights years later into what happened back then.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/175.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to, along with the book mentioned: 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

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Here in the United States where I live we just finished celebrating Labor Day two days ago. It comes around every year on the first Monday in September. For many of us, it’s the most melancholy of all our national holidays. Yet, Labor Day week is also a great time to reflect. Reflect upon what, you ask? Keep listening, for I answer this question in today’s show.

I’m your host, John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

If you’re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That’s John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end, dot com. You’ll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it’s about.

The blandest of holidays - Labor Day Labor Day, as I mentioned, is the most melancholy of all US holidays. It marks the unofficial end of summer and the beginning of fall. It’s the middle child of our national holidays. Labor Day doesn’t honor any particular person or event in our nation’s history. It’s pretty nondescript; an afterthought among the rest of our holidays. Airports are not jammed with Labor Day holiday travelers.

Labor Day became a national holiday in America in 1894 to honor working men and women. It grew out of labor unrest due to horrible working conditions in the later part of the 19th century. Other nations in the world have a similar holiday, often celebrating it on May 1st.

For me, Labor Day week is a time to reflect on the nearly 25 years I spent in the executive recruiting business, helping companies fill their staffing needs and coaching people on how to find jobs. It makes me reflect on the things I learned about people and how a job fits into the rest of our life.

I hope you know by now that this podcast is all about finding joy in the relationships God designed for us. One of those relationships is the job God provided for you. If you’ve ever earned a paycheck it was because of a relationship you had with the employer who paid you. So in keeping with this Labor Day holiday week, I thought it would help to take time to reflect on several important principles related to our relationship with our work.

Principles of relationships at work * Everyone is hired to solve a problemTake time to reflect on what problems you’re helping to solve at work. What are you doing to bring in income to the organization, cut costs, or further your employer’s mission in the world? * Know the difference between a job and a career and act accordingly

A job is a means to an end. It’s a small part of our identity. A career is a larger part of who we are. It doesn’t define us, but it’s a big part.

A stay-at-home-mom is a career, not a job. It too solves a problem.
Take time to reflect on what you don’t want to do for a career.

Story of grandson Grant what he learned about himself in his internship

To get ahead at work, think like an employer, not an employee

Employees are driven by what’s in it for them. An employer mindset thinks about furthering the purposes of the organization

Reflect on this question, Do I have 10 years of experience in my job, or do I have 1 year of experience repeated 10 times?

There’s value in every work experience * God doesn’t waste any of our experiences. Don’t you either. Take time to reflect on what you’ve learned from each one.

Story of grandson Grant’s camp counselor job getting him an internship with a research study

Changing jobs for the sole reason of earning more money is a terrible idea.
No employer cares what you’re passionate about. They only care about results. It’s the theme of Cal Newport’s book, So Good They Can’t Ignore You.
Some people fail at jobs because they’re a square peg in a round hole. If that’s you, look for a square hole and you’ll thrive.

The church who sent one of their missionaries to us to answer the question, “Is he cut out to be a missionary?”

Airplane mechanic running a missionary guest house in Africa

Jobs/Careers are about working with things - people - or data.

Change jobs/companies is always an option

The greatest job satisfaction comes from using the abilities and talents God equipped you with. The greatest dissatisfaction comes when you don’t.
Parable of the servant and talents in Matthew 25:14-30

So what does all this mean for YOU? This Labor Day week, as we transition from summer to fall, is a great time to reflect on our jobs, careers, and the meaning they have in our lives. Ask God to help you in the process.

The extent to which we apply the principles I mentioned, the more joy we’ll experience in our job or career.

Read Cal Newport’s book, So Good They Can’t Ignore You.

Listen to Episode 025, "The Toughest Job in America" The main point of the episode is: How we relate to our job is often a reflection of how we relate to God. The episode contains several stories on how we view our jobs and careers.

If you’re a parent, pass these principles on to your kids. Share examples of them from your own experience at work.
If you are no longer working, take time to reflect on how God led and sustained you during your working life. Thank him for those years and what you learned during that time.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Labor Day week is a great time to reflect on how to be all that God created us to be. It’s an opportune time to think about the abilities and talents God hard-wired into us and to thank him for it.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. Because You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link to today’s episode is simply JohnCertalic.com/174.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 040: A Square Peg in a Round Hole

025: The Toughest Job in America

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Our website where all past and future episodes live JohnCertalic.com

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As the summer winds down here on the last day of August, many of us are going through a relationship transition of one kind or another. Kids going off to school for the first time. Sons and daughters heading off to college. And those of us left behind to face an unfamiliar future where those we love are no longer around as they once were.

Relationship transitions are unique opportunities to bring out the best in us. It’s what today’s episode is all about.

Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I’m your host, John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Now about those relationship transitions I mentioned earlier “Transition” is a common buzzword you hear in missionary circles these days. They talk about it often because missionaries experience so many of them. Transitions from one culture to another. Countless goodbyes to people we know and love one day, and hellos to complete strangers in another culture the next.

Here’s another thing about transitions. Did you know that in August we have National Single Working Women’s Day, Dog Appreciation Day, and Middle Child Day? And August 31st, the day this episode first airs, we have National Relationship Transitions Day.

I think about it every year at this time when I recall how a long time ago we sent our kids went off to kindergarten for the very first time. And then years later when they left home for college. Those were days filled with both sadness and joy, mixed all together - like a ham and cheese omelet stuffed with broccoli.

Other examples of relationship transitions More recently I saw joy and sadness at a high school graduation party this summer for a friend’s son. She talked about the joy of her son completing high school on such a high note. But then her eyes teared up at the mention of him leaving home for college in a few weeks. “I don’t even want to think about it,” she whispered.

Then there are those nostalgic Facebook posts popping up of moms and dads commenting on sending their kids off to kindergarten for the first time, and how it seems like just two months ago when they brought them home from the hospital as infants.

I recently heard another example of relationship transitions on a podcast, when out of left field the host reflected on how melancholy she was feeling thinking about sending her twin daughters off to college for the first time.

Relationship transitions like these are happening all around us.

Children go through relationship transitions themselves I had an interesting conversation with our twin grandsons recently. They're both 20 now and in college. When I asked them what was the most difficult transition they faced in advancing through their educational career, they surprised me. I thought they would have said from high school to college.

They actually said that was the easiest. The hardest for them was going from elementary school to middle school. That’s been the most challenging transition they’ve faced thus far.

So how do you celebrate National Relationship Transitions Day? How can we use it to bring out the best in us?

If you’re going through a relationship transition yourself * Remind yourself of the joy during an earlier time in your relationship. Savor memories of past joy. At the same time, develop a “holy anticipation” of the potential joy that could await you in the future. * Here’s an example of a future joy I would never have anticipated. It happened yesterday: The story of my grandson Grant whipping out his credit card to buy me a cup of Starbucks coffee at the mall. It was a complete role reversal for a moment. * More moments like this will come. Be patient. There’s no guarantee, but those you cared for so deeply earlier may likely care well for you in the future.

If someone you care about is going through a relationship transition Here are a few ideas.

Reach out to a parent of a child getting on the school bus for the first time, and ask how they’re doing.

Call a parent who just got back from taking their kid to college and hauling their boxes of stuff to their first dorm room. “How did it go for you?”

In either case, send a card or note in the mail that says something along the lines of

“I’ve been thinking about you, and praying for you as you process (kids name) heading off to school/college for the first time. I imagine it may be difficult to end one chapter of parenting, and then enter this new unknown one.” Something like that.

In essence, let people you know going through a relationship transition that you're thinking of them, and maybe even praying for them. There’s something comforting in simply knowing someone else knows what you’re dealing with. Let them know you know it’s hard, and that you’re pulling for them.

All of these ideas are examples of Romans 12:15, Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Relationship transitions are opportunities to care for people by letting them know you’ve been there too, and you know how difficult these transitions can be.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link to this episode is JohnCertalic.com/173.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 069: When Our Kids Go Off to School for the First Time
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

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Developing deeper relationships is the topic of today’s show, and is a follow-up to last week’s episode, no. 171. It was an encore episode of an interview I did with Charley and Ruth Shirley in late 2018. It came about from Charley’s Facebook post with a photo of his wife of 30 some years cleaning the grave marker of Charley’s first wife who was killed in a tragic car accident five months into their marriage. I’ve posted Charley’s Facebook photo in the show notes. It was taken by Charley and Ruth’s adult daughter, Lucy.

It’s a beautiful story I hope you go back to listen to if you haven’t already heard it. Their story illustrates eight principles that can help each of us develop deeper relationships in our own lives. And that’s what I’m going to talk about in today’s show.

Welcome to You Were Made for This Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I am your host, John Certalic, an award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

Last week’s episode, #171 In last week’s episode, #171, Charley tells the story of his wife, Ruth, and their adult daughter Lucy, who were returning from taking their oldest daughter off to graduate school out East. On their way home, they were passing through Youngstown, Ohio where Charley’s first wife was buried. Some time ago Charley had mentioned to Lucy that if she were ever near Youngstown he would appreciate it if she would stop by the grave of his first wife, Bev, and pay her respects.

Charley started by talking about Lucy calling him at work while she and Ruth were near Youngstown, Ohio to get directions to find the grave, which was a bit of a challenge. Anxious to get home from their thousand-mile road trip, Ruth spoke about initially not wanting to stop. But she knew it would mean a lot to Charley, and also to their youngest daughter Lucy. So she did.

Once they found the grave marker, Ruth cleaned it up with the only thing she had - her car keys. While she did, Lucy snapped a picture of Ruth cutting weeds and grass from around the grave marker. Ruth talked about how this moment deeply affected her and Lucy, how they both cried, and how Ruth described it as standing on “holy ground.” Ruth also talked about the profound effect this had on Lucy.

Deeper relationships sometimes cast shadows Charley talked about the shadow that Lucy cast while taking a picture of her mother cleaning the grave marker. He saw a connection in this shadow between Lucy and Bev, as they were both the second child of their respective parents.

He summed it up best when he said the point of this story for him was about healing. How what his 2nd wife, and 2nd daughter, did to honor his first wife brought closure to a tragedy that happened over 30 years ago.

That was the interview in a nutshell of episode #171.

I came away from our time together with Charley and Ruth with several important lessons and principles about deeper relationships that would serve all of us well if we practiced them in our relationships.

Principles and observations about deeper relationships 1.Healing often takes time. Sometimes a long time. It had been over 33 years since Charley’s first wife, Bev, had died. And this graveyard story of a few years ago contributed to Charley’s healing. We need to be patient with others and ourselves with the time it takes to heal. For Charley, and for some of us, the healing comes from clarifying what our future holds.

It pays to listen well to people, especially the people closest to us. On the way home from Connecticut to Wisconsin, Lucy REMEMBERED what her dad had said, “If you ever are near Youngstown, Ohio…..” Lucy had a holy curiosity about her dad’s past. She asked about Bev. She wanted to know, because she realized that this particular relationship is an important part of his life. And her relationship with her dad is an important part of hers.

To care well usually takes sacrifice. I felt for Ruth in this story. After moving your daughter into a 3rd-floor apartment on a hot summer day, and then start off on a thousand-mile road trip back home, and then to take a time-consuming detour to look for the grave of someone you never met, well that’s sacrifice.

Limited resources should not hold us back 4. Sometimes the best care we can provide is when we have limited resources and don’t know what to do. Ruth and Lucy had difficulty finding the cemetery, and then the grave. But the difficulty didn’t stop them. All they had were car keys. Ah, the car keys.

It’s okay when our first inclination is to not inconvenience ourselves for the sake of another. That’s normal. Ruth was very transparent in saying she felt guilty about her initial reaction. What is beautiful is when we move past our first thoughts because we know we can honor and bless someone if we don’t give in to our basic human preference for convenience. Hats off to Ruth!
God at times uses symbols within events to let us know he loves us, cares for us, and that he is there for us. The picture of Lucy’s shadow over Ruth cleaning Bev’s grave marker. Ruth cleaning up what others have ignored. For Charley, it “closed the loop,” as he put it.Lucy’s shadow in the picture represented the future he wondered about over 30 years ago. Because he was able to move well through his grief after that tragic event happened, he was able to re-marry. He was able to have children, one of whom cast a shadow over both his current and former wife. Lucy’s shadow connected the three of them to bring closure to the tragedy that happened so long ago

We're all connected to each other 7. We really are all connected to each other, if for no other reason than we all come from the same source, God himself. Some day in eternity we will see all these connections, some of which we don’t quite understand in this life. For those of us with a relationship with Jesus, we will see Bev one day, and I bet she will thank Charley for sharing the story of their 21 months together. She will thank Ruth and Lucy for honoring her the day they cleaned off her grave marker. And all of us will give thanks to the Lord for the relationships he gave us, which if we look carefully enough, we’ll see, all point directly back to him.

There are things God is doing in our lives that at times we just cannot explain. Why did Charley survive the car accident and Bev didn’t. The feeling of “Holy Ground” that Ruth talked about over Bev’s grave. Lucy feeling a connection with Bev, her father’s first wife. Unrelated to her by blood, but somehow related by spirit in ways we cannot explain.

Shadows really do connect us.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

We develop deeper relationships with people when we listen well to each other, inconvenience ourselves for other people at times, and realize we’re all connected with each other by virtue of the fact that each of us has been created in the Image of God.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life?

I’d encourage you to ask yourself, and God, what deeper relationships could you nurture based on the relationship principles we talked about today?

Namely, give people time to heal. Listen well to others. Sacrifice your time and energy. Use your limited resources to bless others. Fight through your natural inclination to be self-centered. Look for ways God is connecting you with someone else. Things like this.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/172.

And of course, if you haven’t listened to episode 171 which is the actual interview with Charley and Ruth, please do that. JohnCertalic.com/171.

Finally, don’t forget to spread a little sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 171: We're All Connected with Each Other
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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The first interview I ever did on this podcast was about how we are all connected with each other. It was episode 8 where my wife and I sat in the living room of two friends from church, Charley and Ruth. It’s where Charley shared the story of what his wife Ruth and their daughter did to help bring healing and closure to the death of Charley’s first wife, some 30 years ago.

It's a remarkable story I'm re-telling today because of the relationship lessons it illustrates.

Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I am your host, John Certalic, your award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

If you’re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com. Scroll down half a page or so to sign up and click on the follow or subscribe button. That’s John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end. Dot com.

Interview with Charley and Ruth Shirley - an Encore from episode 008 Here we go with my interview with Charley and Ruth Shirley. It’s one of my favorites.

Sorry, there’s no transcript available of the interview. Click here to listen to it.

Connected with each other: final thoughts This interview really touched me. In reflecting on it, I came away with eight lessons I learned from my conversation with Charley and Ruth. I spoke with Carol about them and she said if I talked about them now, it would detract from the power of the interview itself, “just get off the air as quickly as you can,” was her advice. So I’m going to do just that.

That was good advice from Carol way back in episode 8. What we decided to do back then, and what we’re doing this time, is to use next week’s episode, to go over the 8 lessons I learned from Charley's story. They are practical relationship principles we can use in our own relationships. We’ll have all that for you in episode 172 next week.

So what does what you heard in this interview mean for YOU? It raises two questions. The first is like the healing Charley experienced 30 some years after a tragedy in his life; where have you seen God care for you in unusual or mysterious ways?

It also makes me wonder if there are opportunities God is placing in front of you to honor someone, to care for another in ways that reflect the image and character of God? Similar to how Charley’s wife, Ruth, and his daughter Lucy cared for him.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

We are all connected with each other because we’re all created in the image of God. It’s what enables us to bring healing and comfort to each other.

Closing In closing, I hope today's show stimulated your thinking. To put into practice what you’ve just heard about how we are connected with each other. For we are all created in the image of God and designed to reflect that image well.

Well, that’s about it for today. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s program. If you think of someone who could benefit from today’s show, please send them a link to today’s episode, JohnCertalic.com/171.

And also, don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time.

Quote of the Week “Often we are attached to people in ways we don’t understand.”
- Ruth Shirley, and her daughter Lucy

Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

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In just a few weeks many of us with school-age kids will be sending them off for the next chapter in their educational lives. Others of us who home school will be calling them to the kitchen table for the same purpose.In either case, an unintended relationship lesson kids learn at one point or another in their schooling is that people will disappoint us.

Today’s episode is about how we can respond to this disappointment in ways that will bring out the best in us. Regardless if we’re in kindergarten, or a graduate of the School Hard Knocks, class of 1958 and beyond.

But before we get into all this here’s Carol Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. And now, here is your host, John Certalic.

Hey thank you, Carol, and yes it’s me, John Certalic. I’m your award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

If you’re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That’s John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end. Dot
com. You’ll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it’s about.

For today I have a story that’s an encore from way back in episode 53. It involves snow. And lots of it. Which is especially pleasant to think about in light of the heat wave sweeping across the US and Europe here in August of 2022.

It’s a story about one of my grandkids who saw first-hand how people disappoint us. And then I’ll have a few comments from me on how we can respond to this disappointment, regardless of our age or where we are in life.

Let’s begin.

Children lose their innocence when they see how people disappoint us If you have ever spent any significant time around children, do you remember the times your heart ached for them when they discovered that life can be harsh? Where they experienced the sadness of relational pain?

When your child’s network of friends all get invited to a birthday party, except your kid? When a child’s favorite pet dies? When all you teenager’s friends have been asked to homecoming, but not yours?

These examples raise the question of “Who’s going to be there for me when I need them?” When children face the harsh reality that people they thought would be there for them, aren’t, we call it a loss of innocence.

You see this theme in literature all the time. To Kill a Mockingbird is a classic example. Scout, the young girl in the story comes face to face with the racism she sees in the adults her small town in the South.

And loss of innocence doesn’t stop with childhood. Let me share a story that illustrates this, and then a way we can best deal with this inconvenient relationship reality.

Help from our grandson * Trip to visit our daughter in SC, when back home we had a 7” snowfall * Our son Michael texted, “have you made arrangements for the snow?” * He sent George, our 18-year-old grandson, over the next day to shovel. I hadn’t shown him how to use our snowblower. * I told George just to clear a path to the garage for our car, and I would finish the rest with our snowblower when I got home. * George texted me when he was finished and said, “It was some of the heaviest snow I’ve ever shoveled, but I got it done.” * We returned home a few days later and I stopped over to pay him.

Grandson George observes how people disappoint us At the end of a conversation about some small talk regarding other things, George brought up his shoveling experience again and said,

I was out there a long time shoveling, and after awhile, I wondered why none of your neighbors stopped over to ask if they could help. I mean, when our neighbor Mrs. Fibeena was alive, Grant and I would always shovel her driveway. And our neighbor Don across the street, we shoveled the driveway for him, and now for his wife since he died last year. But none of your neighbors offered to help shovel.

At least 24 hours had passed since the snowfall ended, and all the other driveways in the neighborhood were snow-free. But not ours.
The tone of George’s voice was genuine surprise that no neighbors offered to help out with a need another neighbor had. It was so contrary to his experience, where he lived 3 miles away that he and his brother (and sister) were used to. “We help our neighbors” is a value his parents are raising him with.
He wasn’t complaining or whining at all. His wistful comments came across to me as a sociological observation and reflection upon human nature, with a twinge of sadness to it.

When people disappoint us it can come as a surprise * My heart ached for George, that he saw this side of human nature about our neighbors that was so contrary to his own experience. I even briefly thought "maybe we better move.” * I know George sees this side of humanity on a daily basis with his peers. He’s no stranger to seeing the less flattering side of the human condition. * But his surprise with our neighbors’ lack of help showed that at 18 years of age he’s lost another measure of childhood innocence. That people you would have thought would have been there for you, other adults, were not. * I also sensed he was feeling bad for me, that these were the kind of neighbors we have. My heart ached for his kind and tender heart. * George knew what our former neighborhood was like; he saw it first hand, with people like Kevin who lived across the street.

While some people disappoint us now, others in the past did the opposite * In our former neighborhood, Kevin and I cleared driveways of snow for 3 neighbors. They were all older than us. Kevin did more than me. * When my mother died in March years ago, we had a late winter snowfall of 3-4 inches the day of her funeral. I didn’t have time to snow blow the driveway before the service, as we had to leave in a hurry. But when we got home later that day, Kevin or one of the other neighbors had cleared our driveway of snow. * No one asked them to. They just did it. Because our snow-covered driveway told people something was wrong, so they stepped in to help.

Sometimes people disappoint us when our expectations are unrealistic * Getting back to George’s observation, I can imagine all kinds of legitimate reasons why people didn’t help. * If any of them would listen to this podcast, I’m sure they’d have a reasonable explanation for not helping out. * Some of them might even be irritated at me for suggesting someone should have helped. After all it’s not my neighbor’s responsibility to keep my driveway clear of snow. * The fact I helped clear their drive a few times, doesn’t mean they owe me a return favor. I certainly get that. * I don’t want to be critical, I just want to make an observation. And that is in this one instance with George, our current neighborhood personified what the Apostle Paul writes in Romans 12: 2, “Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world.” The pattern of this world, at least in our neighborhood, is NOT to help others in a jam. Keep to yourself. Take care of #1. Don’t extend yourself. “That’s the behavior and custom of this world.” * We have nice people in our neighborhood. People are cordial and respectful of one another, and I suspect there are examples of caring and helping others that I’m not aware of.

It’s one thing for people to disappoint us. It’s another when they disappoint those we love * Nevertheless, my heart still aches a bit for George. And it may very well be my heart aches more for myself than him. * George is a very caring person, you might remember me talking about him in an earlier episode, how even as a first or second grader, he would hold open the door to his school to let teachers and other adults enter before him. * I notice in caring people, and myself, that every now and then. Not often, but every now and then, you wonder, “When is it going to be my turn? When are people going to care for me, the way I care for them? I wonder if that was what George was feeling when he shoveled snow off our driveway. * I know this thought crosses my mind every now and then, and it can lead to a sense of sadness really quickly.

How are we to respond to this inconvenient relational reality I described? Ask God for the wisdom and power to:

Resist the temptation to assign bad motives to people who do not care for us the in the way we want to be cared for. Everyone has stuff going on in their lives we are unaware of. Cut people some slack. Extend grace.
Take to heart Philippians 2:4, and obey the command, “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself.”
As Mr. Rogers, Fred Rogers of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood tells us, “look for the helpers.” As adults, look for the helpers and try to be like them. Look for the role models we can emulate.
Become a role model for others. The best version of yourself will have a strong component of caring for others.
Be courageous and ask for help when you need it.
Be okay with the feelings of sadness if they come. Don’t minimize or flee from it. Just sit in for awhile, and before you know it, they will pass. Especially as you move forward with being a caring person yourself.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode

When people you thought would be there for you, fail to show up, respond with grace. Ask God to help you to be there for others, even if they don’t show up for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to respond in healthy ways when people disappoint us. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you.

Well, that’s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time.

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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It’s hard to see the goodness of God sometimes in the midst of all the stress and turmoil going on in the world. What really helps though is coming across a feel-good story where we see God’s hand in filling a void in someone’s heart that’s been there for a very long time. For when we see God filling a hole in someone else’s heart, we can have confidence that He can fill a void in ours too.

I’ve got such a story for you today. It’s one of my favorites.

But before we get into it, here’s Carol:

Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. And now, here is your host, John Certalic.

I'm John Certalic, your award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. You are listening to episode 169.

If you’re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access all our episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That’s John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end. C-E-R-T-A-L-I-C dot com. I’ll have a link to it in the show notes.

You’ll then get a brief email from me each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it’s about.

Today’s feel-good story Back on the podcast today is Gail Rohde, who has been on the show several other times talking about what it’s been like as someone who was adopted into a good family, but who as a grown adult with teenage children felt a longing to find her biological mother and father. I’ll have links to those previous episodes at the end of the show notes.

Today though, there’s been a new development in Gail’s story that she shared with me in a recent phone call. Keep listening, or you can read the transcript of our conversation in the show notes.

Transcript of the telephone conversation John (00:00):
Gail, I noticed that you have now set a record for being on the podcast with the most episodes. You were in episodes 29 and 30 when we talked about your search for your birth parents. And then also 124, just not too long ago.

Gail (00:17): Wow.

John (00:17):
So this is going to look really good on your resume. I hope you appreciate that.

Gail (00:24): I do. I do. I feel honored.

John (00:25):
Yeah. Well, for those that are new to the podcast and don't quite remember, we had talked in episodes 29 and 30 about the fact that you're adopted, and what that was like for you as a child. You were told at an early age that you were adopted. You had great, great parents, but you always wondered about who your mom and dad were, your birth parents anyway.

Gail (00:51): Right.

A feel-good story about finding one's mother John (00:51):
And we had talked also about you had tracked down your birth mother, and started a relationship with her, and that has been going well. But the new element that I want to chat with you today is finding your birth father, and actually meeting him. I think the last episode, 124, I had asked the question of you and others what are you looking forward to and what are you dreading? And you had mentioned meeting your birth father fell into both categories, as something you were looking forward to, but something you were dreading too.

Gail (01:29): Right.

John (01:30): So, can you tell us how you actually did meet, and what that was like, and how that's been going for you?

Gail (01:38):
Sure. So, we had been talking on the phone for about the last year-and-a-half every now and then, maybe once or twice a month. And had great conversations, learning about each other, learning about each other's lives, but they were fairly short conversations, about 15, 20 minutes, maybe a half hour. So, there's only so much you can really get to know each other in that amount of time. And I think we had tried to do a couple of video chats, but everybody kept freezing, and it was hard to talk. And so that was disappointing, it was hard to really get a feel for who he was, and who his wife was.

Meeting Dad for the first time Gail (02:19):
And so we finally were able to set up a time to meet last month. And we both drove part way, and met in the middle. They knew this resort town, and so we got a place there and decided to meet. So, we were able to do that. And yeah, it was fantastic. I was so nervous, very anxious going into it, and I don't know why. I knew it was going to go well. He was going to be gracious. I knew he was going to be wonderful. I knew he was going to like his grandkids.

But there was still that lingering what if I get rejected kind of feeling underneath. But I would say the minute that we saw each other, and gave each other a big hug, it just all melted away and then it was just great after that. So yeah, it was really great.

John (03:21):
Well, good. Well, I'm glad that went well for you. What was it like, maybe even before you met in person, when he admitted that he was your father? What did he have to say about his relationship with your birth mother?

This feel-good story didn't always feel good Gail (03:38):
Well, and it's interesting. I get a different story from each of them. They have very different perspectives on it. So for him, he said that it was kind of a fling. It wasn't a very deep or long-term relationship. And when I was born, he was actually on his way being deployed to Vietnam. And so he had received a letter from my mom with my photograph in it, and he took it to his sergeant and said, "What do I do with this?" And he said, "The sergeant said, "Oh, this happens all the time. I'll take care of it."

And that was the last he saw of me. He gave the letter and the picture to his sergeant, and that was the end. And then by the time he came back from the war, he was dealing with PTSD. He was in another relationship, and I think it just kind of got lost.

John (04:36): Wow, yeah. Yeah.

Different versions of the same story Gail (04:37): So yeah, it's a very different story, or a different take on what I had learned from my mom, but totally understandable for me. I mean, it made sense, and I get it.

John (04:52): Yeah.

Gail (04:55): There's no ill will. It's not like he took off and didn't want to have anything to do with me. It was bad timing.

John (05:03): Yeah. Yeah. I remember in one of the previous episodes that you were told that he was a medical student when ...

Gail (05:12): Mm-hmm.

John (05:13): Was that true?

Gail (05:16):
I don't know that he was a medical student at the time, but he did end up becoming a physician's assistant. So, he was, I don't know if he was headed in that direction, or maybe he had started. I haven't really clarified that with him, but that is the path he took.

John (05:37): Yeah.

Gail (05:38): So, that was accurate.

Other people in this feel-good story John (05:41): How did your father's wife and his kids and grandkids deal with the news that they had a new relative that they didn't know about?

Gail (05:54):
Well, it's funny because, and I can't remember if I told this story last time, when I sent him my initial letter, I sent it by mail thinking that he'll get it. And I didn't want to cause any riffs with his wife, I had no idea what that was going to be like. And I guess they were together, and she picked up the mail out of the mailbox. They drove up to the mailbox, she got it, she's looking through it. She's like, "Oh, you got a personal letter from some girl." And she said something like, "Is this about an old girlfriend?" And he's like, "No, just open it." And so she started reading it, and she stopped, she's like, "It kind of is."

John (06:33): Wow.

Gail (06:34):
But she's been so wonderful, and so great, and so accepting. And I probably talk to her just as much as I talk to him. She's just really been great. I haven't met any of my siblings. They all know about me, but I've only heard how those conversations went. So, it sounds like it's all fairly positive, so that's good. Nobody's mad about me, or ...

Feel-good stories can be complicated sometimes John (07:09):
Yeah. Yeah. I remember when we talked last when you were saying that you were on the one hand looking forward to meeting your birth father, but also dreading meeting him. And I think part of it as I recall was what is the impact going to be with your birth mother?

Gail (07:26): Yeah.

John (07:29): How have you navigated that whole dynamic?

Gail (07:38):
Yeah, I mean that's been a little hard. It's in a good place. Our whole family went out to visit her over spring break, and that's the first time we've all been out there. And so we just had a really wonderful time. And there was a period of time in there that we had just the two of us, and we talked about it. She brought it up, and admitted that it had been very hard, but she knows that I have a right to know who my dad is, and I have a right to meet him. And that she knows she needs to be okay with that. And then I was able to reassure her that I knew that she's worried that he's going to take me away from her, or that I'm going to like him more than I like her.

Reassuring Mom Gail (08:28):
And I just reassured her, "I'm not going anywhere. If I leave, it's up to me, it's not up to him. He's not going to take me away from you, that's my decision. And I decide to stay with you. I'm always going to be here, we're always going to be here." So, just really tried to reassure her that it's really not changing my relationship with her. So, I haven't been putting it in her face. I didn't tell her when I was going out to see him, she knew I was going to be. And when I came back, we talked on the phone and she said, "You saw him didn't you?" And I said, "Yeah." [inaudible 00:09:16]. And she said, "I'm fine with that, and I'm resolved."

John (09:19): Oh, good.

Some feel-good stories involve healing Gail (09:19): So, I think there's been a lot of healing. I think it's going to be okay, yeah. I've just been trying to make sure she knows that everything's going to be the same between us.

John (09:34): Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I really appreciate your concern for her too, and knowing that it brings out her fragileness a little bit, and understandably so.

Gail (09:45): Yeah.

John (09:46): What kind of questions did you ask your dad, your birth father? Do you remember anything in particular?

Gail (09:53): Yeah, we talked a lot. And when we got together, his wife brought pictures of him from his childhood, his young adulthood, his time in Vietnam. She had all these pictures of family members. So, we were able to just sit around the table one night, and they were showing me pictures, and he was telling stories.

John (10:19): Wow.

Old photos helped fill in the gaps in this feel-good story Gail (10:20):
And it was really neat. It was really, really neat. And so, we were able to take pictures of all of those pictures with our phone, so now I have all of those pictures. They gave me all sorts of family information, who my grandparents were, all of my siblings, and their birthdays. And just have just been very, very great. And talking about his life, talking about any questions I have. He kept asking me, "Do you have any questions?" I don't know, you've told me so much stuff I don't even know what to ask.

John (10:53): Yeah.

Gail (10:55): So, yeah, it's been really good. They're just very open. And yeah, he's just been so gracious about everything.

John (11:06): Yeah. And what a great idea to bring all those pictures so that you had a picture of what his life was like in the past.

Gail (11:13): Yeah, it was so neat to be able to see pictures of him around the time when I was born. I'm just like, "Wow." So, that was neat. And the other really, really fun thing for me is I look so much like him.

John (11:27): Oh, I was going to ask you about that. Yeah.

"It feels good to look like my father" Gail (11:30):
Yeah. There's some resemblance to my mom, if you look hard enough you can kind of tell that we're related. But he and I any time I posted a picture on Facebook, and everyone's like oh yeah, who would question you're not related? It's pretty obviously. So, that's fun for me because I always felt like I never looked like anyone. So, that's a really super special thing for me.

John (11:56): Yeah. Do you feel that this has brought closure to your quest to know more about who you are, and where you've come from?

Gail (12:07): Yeah, definitely. Definitely. I mean, even to think of all that's happened in the last three years, and in some ways it seems like I've known a lot longer all these questions. I mean, there's just a settledness to me that it just feels like this is how it is now. And other days, I just sit and think wow, never on this Earth did I think I would know names of my parents, much less to know them personally.

John (12:45): Yeah.

Gail (12:45): And just how amazing it is. And yeah, it's just so fantastic.

God's involvement in this feel-good story John (12:55):
Mm-hmm. Where have you seen God involved in this, Gail, in this search not just for your birth father, but your birth mother? And just kind of filling in some gaps in your personal life story that you always wondered about. Where have you seen God involved in this?

Gail (13:17):
I mean, I just feel like I've seen him every step of the way. How everything happened, I think it started way back when my husband bought me the DNA test years ago. Just to help me know what nationality I am, and do I have any diseases I need to worry about for my kids? And in that, and through that I never even would have thought to buy a DNA test. I didn't even really know it was a thing. And through that to be able to get so many answers, and so much peace. To meet my mom first, who I think I needed to meet her first. I needed to have that resolution. There's something about the birth mom, it's a different expectation, or a different [inaudible 00:14:22].

Growing up looking for mom Gail (14:22):
I grew up looking for my mom at the mall, that's who I was looking for, I was looking for my mom. So, to find her first and to have that resolution. And then to be able to work through with her finding my dad, and then having this completion. And then with my dad now to have new siblings. My mom was all by herself, so it didn't really bring a lot of family relationships. But then with my dad, now there's all these siblings, and nieces, and nephews, and aunts. And some have reached out to me, I have a sister-in- law and an aunt who has reached out to me. And I'm like wow. Yeah, I mean it's just all of it all I can do is just say, "Thank you God." There's nothing else to say.

John (15:09): Yeah. Yeah. I'm really happy for you that it's come out this way. Where do you see things headed forward now with all of this?

Timing is everything in this feel good story Gail (15:30):
I see every visit as a gift. Neither my parents nor I are young anymore, so every visit that we can have, every time we talk on the phone is a gift. Just trying to be able to get to know them as much as I can while I have them. And I mean hopefully I have them for the next 20 years, that would be great. But just really recognizing it for the gift that it is, and appreciating that, and appreciating them, and taking advantage of everything I can.

John (16:09):
Yeah. Yeah. One part of your story that really captured my heart was that when you were telling about your adopted dad and what a great guy he was, I know you had a good relationship with your mom, but you were closer with your adopted father. And how when he was diagnosed with ALS, he had asked you about did you want his help in locating your birth parents? And at the time you weren't that interested. But then later you processed it that he knew that his time was short here on Earth, and he didn't want you to feel like you were fatherless. I just thought that was really incredible, and really a gift from God. Yeah.

A second family when the first one passes away Gail (16:57): Yeah. And in my mind, I just picture him just smiling at this whole situation. Just being so happy that I
have this, because now both he and my mom are gone, and so now I have kind of my second family.

John (17:17): Yeah.

Gail (17:17): And I think that that would bring him great joy.

John (17:23):
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I'm really impressed with your birth father too, the fact that he is so happy to reconnect with you. Some would not be. I think I shared a story with my birth father, he wasn't happy, he was just apathetic, he could care less. And the fact that your birth father is wanting to have a relationship with you, because it's part of his past too. And then the acceptance of his wife of you into their life, I think is just really commendable. Really commendable.

"Welcome to the family!" Gail (18:02):
Yeah, I think the whole thing has played out the best way it possibly could. When I wrote that letter to him, I was ready, I had to mentally prepare myself for anything including rejection. And just to know that okay, well I tried. I had to be ready for that. And when he got tested, and he wanted to confirm through DNA. And when he got the results back and he called me and just said, "Welcome to the family."

John (18:34):
Well, thanks again for your time, and for this wonderful story. I just find it very encouraging, Gail, on several different levels. Just encouraging how you've managed to navigate this relationship with your birth mom, and your birth dad, and some of the dynamics of that with your mother especially. And actually being able to meet with your birth father is just a wonderful story of completion.

Gail (19:03): It is. It is.

John (19:04): Yeah.

Family relationships aren’t always easy Gail (19:05):  And it's not always easy. There's hard times, and there's hard feelings. And you get more family, you get more problems, right? That's not always problem free, but it's worth it.

John (19:20):
Yeah, very true. Very true. Well again, thanks so much for your time, and for sharing this story with all of our listeners. I got some really good feedback the last three episodes too, and I'm sure I'm going to get the same with this one too.

Gail (19:38):
Wonderful, yeah. My 19-year-old sat down next to me just before Mother's Day, and it was when we were in the process of planning meeting my dad. He sat down, he says, "Dang mom, you collect parents like they're going out of style." I said, "Yeah, well more grandparents for you." He says, "Oh, that's true."

John (19:57): Yeah. Well, that's very true. That's very true.

Gail (20:01): So, I'm done now. I have no more parents to find, so I'm done.

John (20:06): Okay, great. Great. Okay.

It helps to share our story Gail (20:09): Thanks, John. I appreciate you helping me talk through this too. It's really good for me to be able to get that perspective too. I don't always think that.

John (20:17): Yeah, sometimes it's good to just talk out loud what's going on inside your head. I sure believe that.

Gail (20:23): It's true.

John (20:24): And thank you for sharing all of that. And not just what's going on in your head, but what's going on in your heart, which you've done so well here, so ...

Gail (20:32): Thanks.

John (20:33): Well, you have a great rest of your afternoon, and thanks again. And we will stay in touch.

Gail (20:40): Sounds great; I would love that.

John (20:41): Thank you, Gail, bye now.

Gail (20:43): Bye-bye.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Sometimes we just need a feel-good story to remind us of the goodness of God. When we see him meet the longing of someone else, we can rest in knowing that He can meet our deepest longings, too.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing In closing, I hope this feel-good story makes you, well, feel good. It did for me. I spent years wondering about my birth father, and then months working to track him down. And when I finally met him in person, it didn’t go nearly as well as Gail’s meeting did. That’s a subject for another podcast.

But my experience hasn’t diminished my joy in hearing Gail’s experience one bit. Her joy is infectious, and I loved sharing in it. And I love seeing how God worked in her life. I hope you did, too. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast you think might be interested in today’s topic. Especially parents who have adopted, and also adult adoptees. And anyone else who could use a feel-good story like this one.

And as we talk frequently around here, don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you next time.

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

Related episodes mentioned in today’s show 029: An Adoption Relationship Story- Part 1
030: An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 2
124: Resting In Our Identity Frees Us to Love Well

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The other day I Googled the phrase “How to Live Well.” 19.5 trillion entries popped up. Yikes! Apparently a lot of people have something to say on this matter. And I do as well in today’s episode. But it’s going to be different than what my 19.5 trillion colleagues are offering up, I’m sure.

But before we get into all this, welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I am your host John Certalic. As an award-winning author and relationship coach, I'm here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

New to the podcast? If you’re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That’s John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end. Dot com. You’ll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it’s about.

Today’s episode, number 168, is about a really important relationship God designed for you and me; namely, a relationship with Him! It’s where we’ll find the greatest amount of joy, for He teaches us how to live well in so many practical ways. For example, he devoted a whole book of the Bible to this subject, drawing from the life of Solomon. the wisest man who ever lived.

I’ll read the first chapter of this book from the Bible, the Book of Proverbs, and then comment from time to time as I read. It’s only 33 verses, so it won’t take long. As I read, notice the contrast between people who are wise, and those who are not, and notice the practical advice Solomon has for how to live well here in the 21st century.

NOTE: The comments I interject in reading of Proverbs 1 appear only in the audio version

The Purpose of Proverbs 1 These are the proverbs of Solomon, David’s son, king of Israel.
2 Their purpose is to teach people wisdom and discipline,  to help them understand the insights of the wise.  3 Their purpose is to teach people to live disciplined and successful lives,  to help them do what is right, just, and fair.  4 These proverbs will give insight to the simple,  knowledge and discernment to the young.
5 Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser.  Let those with understanding receive guidance , 6 by exploring the meaning in these proverbs and parables,  the words of the wise and their riddles.
7 Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge,  but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

A Father’s Exhortation: Acquire Wisdom 8 My child, listen when your father corrects you.  Don’t neglect your mother’s instruction.  9 What you learn from them will crown you with grace  and be a chain of honor around your neck.
10 My child, if sinners entice you,  turn your back on them!  11 They may say, “Come and join us.  Let’s hide and kill someone!  Just for fun, let’s ambush the innocent!  12 Let’s swallow them alive, like the grave;  let’s swallow them whole, like those who go down to the pit of death.  13 Think of the great things we’ll get!  We’ll fill our houses with all the stuff we take.  14 Come, throw in your lot with us;  we’ll all share the loot.”
15 My child, don’t go along with them!  Stay far away from their paths.  16 They rush to commit evil deeds.  They hurry to commit murder.  17 If a bird sees a trap being set,  it knows to stay away.  18 But these people set an ambush for themselves;  they are trying to get themselves killed.  19 Such is the fate of all who are greedy for money;  it robs them of life.

Wisdom Shouts in the Streets 20 Wisdom shouts in the streets.  She cries out in the public square.  21 She calls to the crowds along the main street,  to those gathered in front of the city gate:  22 “How long, you simpletons,  will you insist on being simpleminded? How long will you mockers relish your mocking?  How long will you fools hate knowledge?  23 Come and listen to my counsel. I’ll share my heart with you  and make you wise.
24 “I called you so often, but you wouldn’t come.  I reached out to you, but you paid no attention.  25 You ignored my advice  and rejected the correction I offered.  26 So I will laugh when you are in trouble!  I will mock you when disaster overtakes you —  27 when calamity overtakes you like a storm,  when disaster engulfs you like a cyclone,  and anguish and distress overwhelm you.
28 “When they cry for help, I will not answer.  Though they anxiously search for me, they will not find me.  29 For they hated knowledge  and chose not to fear the Lord.  30 They rejected my advice  and paid no attention when I corrected them.  31 Therefore, they must eat the bitter fruit of living their own way,  choking on their own schemes.  32 For simpletons turn away from me—to death.  Fools are destroyed by their own complacency. 33 But all who listen to me will live in peace,  untroubled by fear of harm.”

So what does all this mean for YOU? If you start going through the 19.5 trillion Google entries for “how to live well” I mentioned at the beginning, I’m sure you’ll find some things that sound attractive. But most of them are about behavior.

Solomon, however, takes it a step further and talks about behavior rooted in our relationship with God and our reverence for Him and all that he stands for. Which raises the question for all of us, namely, how much do my values align with God’s values?

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode The answer to “how to live well” is found in growing in wisdom by looking beyond ourselves. It’s to live in reverence to God and embrace what is important to Him, and then live accordingly.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to ask yourself how wise are you living? Are you growing wiser as you allow the Spirit of God to teach you how to live well?

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. Because as you know by now, You Were Made for This.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 021:The most Important Relationship of All
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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I have been thinking about what makes for meaningful conversations with people. This thought was prompted by a quote I saw in a desk calendar my daughter gave me for this year. It’s the quote for May 16th which reads:

“You cannot talk butterfly language with caterpillar people.”

It's the topic of today's episode.

To access future episodes it’s easiest if you go to JohnCertalic.com, and scroll halfway down the page where you enter your name and email address. Then click on the follow or subscribe button. You’ll get a brief email each week from me with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it’s about.

A useful metaphor For today I want to think out loud about this idea of meaningful conversations, and several ways of considering this based on the quote I mentioned in the beginning, “you cannot talk butterfly language with caterpillar people.”

I like this butterfly/caterpillar metaphor for a couple of reasons. One way of looking at it would suggest butterfly people have a language caterpillar people don’t understand because they haven’t quite arrived yet like Butterfly people have. It may not be what the author intended, but it comes off a bit condescending. I’ve been in conversations where the person talking clearly views themself as a butterfly person looking down their nose at the caterpillars in the group. I bet you’ve seen this too. It’s hard to have a meaningful conversation when this is dynamic is present.

On the other hand, there is something beautiful about a butterfly person who remembers what it was like to be a caterpillar with all its limitations, and who has a great appreciation for the metamorphosis he or she has been through.

These are the patient people among us, usually older and wiser. People tolerant and understanding of those in a stage of life where they once were. Meaningful conversations with butterfly people like this are often filled with grace and wisdom. They understand caterpillar people haven’t yet been through what they’ve been through. They don’t have the words, the language, to process what Butterfly people have come to experience.

An obstacle to meaningful conversations Another example of an obstacle to a meaningful conversation is when parents try to reason their young children into obedience using butterfly language. When they explain the logic and motives behind their well-meaning directives. It usually doesn’t work, because young kids are caterpillars and they don’t understand butterfly language.

Instead, parents need to speak caterpillar language to kids that goes something like this, “you need to obey what I’m telling you because you need to obey. That’s your job right now, simply to obey, regardless of what you want to do. When you get older and are able to understand, I’ll explain why I’m telling you to obey. But for now, you don’t need to know why, you just need to obey.”

This issue of teaching children to obey is an important one that we’ll talk about in a future episode.

The "curse of knowledge" hinders communication Another reason it’s hard to have meaningful conversations sometimes is because of the curse of knowledge. It’s the concept that you know something so well, so intimately, that it’s difficult to imagine what it was like to NOT KNOW what you know. And because you can’t imagine what it’s like to not know something, you have difficulty in passing on your knowledge to someone who doesn’t have it. You try, but it’s hard because you forgot what it’s like to be on the other side of the knowledge.

Computer people are like this. They have the curse of knowledge because they assume you know what they know, or at least have a piece of rudimentary knowledge of technical stuff. They talk in butterfly language, but you only speak caterpillar. So there’s a disconnect and a barrier to a meaningful conversation when it comes to fixing a computer problem.

On an interpersonal level, relationships can be difficult when people speak different emotional languages. Janet and I have a friend who grew up in a dysfunctional family, where everything revolved around pleasing Mom. Keeping Mom happy was the mission of her husband and each of the 3 kids. And Mom let everyone know when she wasn’t happy and who in the family failed in their role of keeping her happy. Guilt and shame were dished out as regularly as a weekly allowance.

A friend who learned butterfly language As an adult, our friend went for counseling to deal with this emotional baggage, and over time grew healthy because she learned a butterfly language that helped her process her experience in healthy ways. She even learned how to speak her mother’s caterpillar language which on occasion even led to meaningful conversations.

Sadly, her siblings didn’t do the same. As adults, they continue trying to please Mom. But it’s never enough. It never is with people who live to be served, rather than to serve. Unlike our friend who went for counseling to learn a new language, her siblings moved to other parts of the country so as to have as little contact with Mom as possible. They continue to speak caterpillar to this day.

Let’s go back to parenting for a moment. Parents sometimes suffer from the curse of knowledge. We can’t remember what it was like to be a kid. To be afraid as a child. To be rejected by one’s friends. Or to be frustrated with not knowing how to do something your peers do with ease.

This curse of knowledge can get in the way of meaningful conversations between parents and their children.

So what does all this mean for YOU? If you’re a butterfly person in your relationships, it would really help if you thought back to what it was like when you were a caterpillar. Back then, you didn’t know what you didn’t know.

The same is true for the caterpillar people in your life right now. They don’t know what they don’t know, either. So cut them some slack, give them a break. They probably won’t respond as well to you TELLING them how fulfilling it is to be a butterfly in your relationships. Show them instead. In relationships, caterpillar people crawl. Show them as a butterfly person they can fly!

And if you’re a caterpillar right now, watch the butterfly people around you. Do what they do to have meaningful conversations. Don’t stay stuck in your relationships. Break out of your cocoon. You were made for something more. Don’t settle for crawling when you could be flying.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

A path to meaningful conversations between people starts with working to understand others and their frame of reference, even when it’s very different from your own. To learn to speak the language of another is work, but it’s worth it.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated to work toward being a butterfly person with compassion for the caterpillars in your life.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Another episode you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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For some time now I’ve been ending each episode by encouraging you to spread a little relational sunshine with the people you meet. Today’s episode gives you some examples of what this looks like. It will give you some ideas you can try out on your own.

She got me when she called me “sweetheart” I’ll begin with a story of relational sunshine that happened to me recently at the drive-through window of Wendy’s. Not exactly a place I can say I’ve ever experienced the warm rays of relational sunshine before. It’s usually been more a place of darkened skies with heavy fog rolling in. But this day was different.

When I got to the window and paid my bill a middle-aged woman with black horned-rim glasses leaned out the window a bit, handed me my food, and said with a really big smile, “Here you go sweetheart. Now you go have a great rest of your day.”

She got me the moment she called me “sweetheart.” I’m a sucker for any matronly middle-aged woman who calls me that. Those brief words of hers, together with her toothy smile were the relational sunshine that brightened my otherwise cloudy afternoon.

Smile more A few days after this, I had a conversation with my granddaughter who turned 17 recently. She works part-time at Target and when I asked her how it was going she said, “My boss said he is happy with my work, but that I need to smile more with customers.”

“It sounds like you have a good boss,” I said.

Have you ever noticed how many teenagers work at Target? One of our grandsons also works there. I was thinking about this one day and how all these young faces unknowingly spread a little relational sunshine my way - even when they’re not smiling.

They don’t have tattoos, nose rings, or purple hair, at least I haven’t noticed anyone like this so far. It’s not that I have anything against anyone who fits this profile. In fact, in episode 129 I talk about someone in her mid-20s who looks like this and how I apologized for scaring her. I described the scene as follows:

She was wearing torn blue jean shorts, tattoos up and down both arms, a bare midriff with a ring in her navel, and another one in her nose. Her partially pink hair was in a bun on top of her head.

I felt like I needed to represent old men who look down their noses at tattooed young women with rings in their noses. I didn’t want her to think badly of us.

If you’re interested in how I unintentionally scared the girl, go to johncertalic.com/129

They’ll be in charge some day Anyway, back to the teenagers who work at Target. There’s an innocence about them that reminds me of my own part-time job from another century when I was in high school. It’s where I found hope that my future was going to be better than my past. When I see those youthful faces stocking shelves and checking customers out at the cash register at Target it gives me a different kind of hope that somehow down the road we’re all going to be okay because these kids will be in charge.

I’m reminded they could all be at the beach right now, or in their bedrooms playing video games. But instead, they are giving up those pleasures to earn money that will help them take control of their lives.

Relational sunshine at night More relational sunshine shone down on me at a recent baseball game I attended with my family. Like all major league baseball stadiums, ours here in Milwaukee requires fans to go through security before entering the ballpark. On this particular game night after I made it through to the other side, one of the security people said in the most sincerest of tones, and with a big smile on his face, “Enjoy the game!”

He was an older man, probably retired, working a part-time job to pick up a few extra bucks. His countenance and persona in wishing me an enjoyable evening cast a few rays of relational sunshine my way. They left me smiling, too. I could tell he was sincere and enjoyed greeting people and wishing them well.

These three examples of others spreading a little relational sunshine got me thinking about how I operate. I’m not an extrovert and usually don’t talk to people I don’t know. Unless they offer me candy, or a look at a cute little puppy in the back seat of their car. But in reflecting upon these stories I’ve recounted for you, and how complete strangers brightened my day, it made me think maybe I could do the same for someone else.

I can do this, too My chance to do so happened one evening at the drive-through window of yet another fast-food place, Culver’s, a nationwide hamburger and custard restaurant based in Wisconsin. It has a special place in my heart as two of our grandsons got their first part-time jobs here. The food isn’t half-bad, and like Target, they hire clean-cut wholesome-looking kids - and grandma types. One of the things I appreciate about this chain is that they also hire young people with developmental disabilities, like those with Down’s syndrome.

Anyway, one evening I was in the drive-through line at Culver’s and when I reached the cashier’s window the teenage boy manning the window said “…your total is $19.39.” He paused briefly, then said, “That was a long time ago.”

Admiring his sense of humor in juxtaposing the numbers of a cash transaction with a period of history, I responded with “Yeah, it was even before I was born.”

Then, as I gave the boy a twenty-dollar bill for my order I asked, “Do you know what famous event occurred in 1939?”

“I have no idea,” he said.

“On September 1, 1939, Nazi Germany marched into Poland, officially beginning World War II,” I replied.

The boy smiled for the first time and chuckled as he gave me my change, and said, “Oh, I should have known that. I really like history.”

We smiled at each other and then I drove off. By acknowledging his sense of humor and playing along with him, I realized I had spread a little relational sunshine in his life. And I had fun doing so. It sent a few of those relational sunshine rays back to me.

So what does all this mean for YOU? I have a hunch there’s more relational sunshine out there for all of us, if we just look for it, mostly in unexpected places. Lately for me, it’s been at the window of the drive-through lane at fast-food restaurants. How about for you? I wonder what unexpected places in your life could be a source of relational sunshine for you.

I also have this thought: you could be more than just a recipient of relational sunshine. You could be a source of it in unexpected ways, as I was with something as simple as bantering with a teenager at Culver’s. With something as simple as smiling as someone. I know you can do this, and hope you give it a try. Intentionally smile at someone and see what happens. It might even land you a part-time job at Target.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

It seems that relational sunshine often starts with a smile. The simple act of smiling seems to penetrate the relational ozone separating us from each other. By spreading around a little relational sunshine we spark joy in others, and in ourselves as well.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

And I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve heard today.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And of course, don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around with the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 129 Thankful We Don't Always Have to Be Right
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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When it comes to relationships, there’s a difference between nosey people and those who are genuinely curious about others. Avoid the former and learn how to become the latter. It’s what today’s episode is all about.

The best Father's Day gift for 2022 A few weeks ago in the episode about The Best Father’s Day gift for 2022, I mentioned that this best gift is to ask your father questions about his life. And if you have a son who’s a father, ask him questions about his life. It’s one of the best gifts you can give anyone. Because we don’t know people nearly as well as we think we do. If you missed that show you can find it at john certalic.com/162.

I’ve given lots of talks in workshops on how asking people questions can deepen relationships. But there’s always an issue that someone in the audience invariably brings up. I’m going to deal with this issue in today’s show.

And if you hang around to the end I’ll also give you a useful tip on how to answer an awkward question that comes out of nowhere that puts you ill at ease. But before we get into all this here’s Carol:

Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. And now, here is your host, John Certalic.

Hey, thank you, Carol. And hello everyone! I’m glad you’ve joined us today for episode 165, “Nosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them.“ If you’re new to the podcast and like what you hear, I encourage you to follow the show by going to my website, JohnCertalic.com, and then click on the “follow” or “subscribe” button.

Why don’t we ask meaningful questions of each other? I’ve mentioned in a number of episodes before the powerful impact asking questions of each other has in drawing people closer together. There’s also a downside to question asking, which I’ve also discussed, but we won’t get into that today.

Instead, I am going to talk about an objection I often hear about asking questions of people. I first talked about it in episode 63.

We’re reluctant to ask meaningful questions of each other, for fear of being perceived as “nosey.” I find this reason for our lack of curiosity to be most interesting to me. As I mentioned before, in workshops I give on this subject, invariably someone will ask something along the lines of: “But if I ask questions of people close to me, won’t they think I’m just being nosey? I was always taught ‘If someone wants you to know something about them, they will tell you.’”

A culture of secrets This is one of those “exception” questions that often come up in workshops. It’s usually from someone in the crowd who disagrees with what the presenter is saying, or who wants to hijack the direction the speaker is taking with his or her own agenda. Or it’s someone who just loves to hear himself talk.

The “I have always believed if people wanted you to know they’d tell you” comment reveals a person who often comes from a background or culture of secrets. They hold things close to the vest. Their theme song is we need to be private, and we mustn’t invade the privacy of others. You find this dynamic in people who grew up in families where there was addiction, sexual abuse, or other dysfunctions.

All of this raises the question of what’s the difference between nosey people and those genuinely curious about others? I posted this question on Facebook a few years ago and here are a few answers I received:

Listener responses Rita. Curious people genuinely empathize with others and what they learn about them. They delight in, rejoice over, wonder further, grieve with...in order to grow deeper in a relationship. Nosiness satisfies a fleshly yearning to know more, not to know better.

Joan. I think nosey people ask questions about situations or things that have happened, like in the neighborhood or even in family situations that they need to know so they can then pass it on and gossip. I think a genuinely curious person wants to know about you, your feelings, and situations that are true to the core of your being. They want to make sure you are ok and demonstrate care and concern out of love. A curious person will share of themselves and maybe share a situation that they themselves have experienced. Curious is more heart-centered, nosey is more informational.

Rob. I cannot add much to the above. I always referred to myself as being nosey when I asked people questions. Recently I was corrected by someone who told me I was curious and should use that word. I think that is true because I do not just want information but want to know something about that person. People are interesting and we do like to talk about ourselves. At least I do!

Other reasons we may not ask meaningful questions of others There is an element of culture and personality to this issue, too. Some cultures around the world are very private, and there are others where personal privacy is non-existent. Personality is part of it too. I’ve found that the more extroverted among us don’t even think about what questions to ask others. While the introverted, think of questions but are too shy to ask them. It's hard for them to be nosey.

Here are a few more of my thoughts on the differences between nosey and curious:

Am I being nosey or curious? * Nosey people don’t enrich your life. Curious people do. * Nosey is the cousin of gossip. They are close relatives. * Nosey people ask so they can evaluate others and compare. Curious people ask to understand.
Curiosity requires something of us. Nosiness doesn’t. * Being nosey separates us. Curiosity brings us together. * Nosey people assume there is a deeper relationship than actually exists * Nosey people often use information they gain from you against you. Curious people use information they get from you for you. * Finally, I’ve come to the conclusion that our fear of being nosey in our relationships is usually just a cop-out. Just an excuse to get us off the hook from failing to honor people by wanting to understand what life is like for them.

Here are 6 benefits of being curious enough to ask people questions about themselves 1. It gets us out of our self-focused life to see the wonder of what God has created in the life of another. It draws us closer to God as we better understand our brothers and sisters created in his image. For when we see how much God loves someone else, warts and all, it makes us appreciate God all the more. 2. Asking questions of others opens doors for deeper connections with them. 3. It’s a great remedy for depression and loneliness. 4. When we understand people better because of how they answer our questions, it causes us to be grateful for what we have, that others do not. 5. Being curious enough to ask people questions draws out the experience and wisdom from the quiet introverts among us. 6. We can learn from other people’s mistakes when we understand them better.

So what does all this mean for YOU? Two things.

Question your questions. Are you asking them to better understand people and deepen your relationship with them? Or are you asking questions just to be nosey?

Secondly, don’t let your fear of being nosey hold you back from asking a meaningful question of a friend. Become more curious about the important people in your life. It will draw you closer to them.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode Being nosey weakens a relationship, being curious strengthens it.

For added measure, I’ll throw in this related quote from Ruth Haley Barton

Sometimes the questions we ask are more important than the answers we think we know.

Final takeaway: How to answer a question that catches you off guard Have you ever been caught off guard by a question someone asks you? A question that surprises you, puts you on the defensive, or in some way is inappropriate? Here’s an effective way you can respond.

Simply ask the questioner, “Why do you ask?” It will take the spot light off you and shine it back on the other person. It will buy you time in trying to figure out where the conversation is going so you can decide if you want to go there.

Answer a question with a question. Jesus did it all the time.

Closing In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

And I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to ask meaningful questions of people you want to understand better.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 063: Six Reasons Why We’re not More Curious About People, and What We’re Missing as a Result

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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One thing that deepens relationships is doing the little things that matter. You see it in people who observe, reflect, and then act. Listen in to today’s episode for an example.

John Gottman writes in The Relationship Cure that based on his research Successful marriages are characterized by a series of little positive interchanges over time. In a nutshell, it’s the little things that matter most in a marriage.

The same can be said of interpersonal relationships between friends and acquaintances. I saw this played out recently in an interaction between my wife Janet and one of her friends.

Recovering from knee surgery My wife Janet had knee replacement surgery about 6 weeks ago. We talked about the details of the operation, as we knew them, with one of our friends, Linda (not her real name).

I’ve mentioned her before in this podcast. We’ve been friends with her for several decades, with more contact with each other in recent years.

Because another of Linda's friends went through it too, she was familiar with the recovery that’s involved.

Several weeks after the surgery Linda sent Janet a card and asked how she was doing. She said she’d like to stop over and visit when Janet was up to it.

After a few more weeks of recovery, when Janet was over the very worst of the pain, Linda came over for dinner and the three of us had a pleasant evening. We got caught up on each other’s lives, with Linda sharing about her adult daughter’s bout with cancer. More on that later.

We sat outside on our patio for one of the first times this year. Very calm & restful evening. Being with Linda got Janet’s mind off her knee pain for a few hours that night.

Janet talked about how her knee surgery brought on a mysterious new craving for cookies. She told me they had medicinal properties that sped up healing. So as Janet’s medical director I dispensed them occasionally as needed.

Linda told Janet about the new upscale cookie store in town, Crumbl. Janet started salivating.

Cookies and listening to Marcel Marceau’s CD of classic love songs are the two things that soothe Janet’s spirits the most.

A surprise visit The next day I’m working in my home office when around noon, our doorbell rings. Here it is Linda, delivering two small boxes from Crumbl, each with one of their gourmet, upscale cookies inside. One for Janet and one for me. I have a photo of it in the show notes.

From what I understand these cookies are pretty pricey. Loan officers set up in the store taking financing applications to buy these cookies.

I invited Linda in but she had her dog in the car, and said couldn’t stay. So I took one of the cookies to Janet, and she was over-the-moon delighted.

In this very kind gesture by Linda, I saw an example of two principles of deepening relationships at work. The First is the ORA principle I’ve talked about before in this podcast. Linda

Observed Janet’s condition

Reflected upon the pain Janet was experiencing, then Remembered what made it better for her - a cookie.

Acted. She came back the next day with a cookie for Janet from Crumbl

ORA. Unconsciously skilled in relationships The other relationship principle I saw in place is the relational skill level of Linda. I talked about the 4 levels of relational skills back in episodes 11 through 14. I’ll have links to them in the show notes.

Unconsciously unskilled
Consciously unskilled
Consciously skilled
Unconsciously skilled

Linda is certainly at the 4th level, the highest level, unconsciously skilled. It’s just part of her character. She brought the cookie for Janet without giving it a lot of thought, I’m sure. Because that’s who Linda is. It’s her character.

Another thing I noticed, she didn’t ask Janet, “Is there anything I can do to help?” No, she just took an educated guess and did something based on what she observed and reflected upon, which prompted her to act.

Linda’s caring in context Linda’s daughter has incurable colon cancer, and she’s living with her and her family to help out. I talked about this in episode 148.

She’s watching her daughter go through the pain of chemotherapy, and witnessing her frail 40-something daughter struggle to make it through the day. Yet Linda still extended herself to Janet with her Crumbl cookie delivery. It made her caring gesture all the more meaningful given how her daughter’s journey with cancer is uppermost in her mind.

As for me, I certainly enjoyed the cookie. But more than that I enjoyed watching Linda care for Janet in ways so meaningful for her, and yet what appeared so naturally. It was a true reflection of the character of God.

It was a reminder that I can be more like Linda myself, not just with Janet, but with other people. I need to pay attention to the little things that matter in relationships important to me. And so do you. For we all need each other. We can’t go it alone.

So what does all this mean for YOU? You can become unconsciously skilled in relationships like Linda is. It just takes practice. So here’s what I would like you to try:

Think about one important relationship in your life right now. Then ask yourself what might be little things that matter in that relationship you could attend to. See if you can step it up a notch, pay more attention to those little things, and see how it goes for you.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode Paying attention to the little things that matter the most in a relationship will strengthen that relationship. We discover what those little things are when we observe - reflect - then act.

I’d love to hear how this works out for you, so please let me know.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard. To think about just one person in your life and your best guess as to what are the little things that matter most to them. And then do that little thing for them.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. That would be one little thing that could matter to someone. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around this week. Spark some joy in the people you run into. And I’ll see you next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 011: Relationship Skills - Level 1
012: Relationship Skills - Level 2
013: Relationship Skills - Level 3
014: Relationship Skills - Level 4
148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People

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Three events in today’s news from around the world remind me of what you and I need most in the troubled times in which we live. It’s the subject of today’s show where I talk about a relationship thread that connects all three of these stories:

The horrific murder of 19 fourth graders in Uvalde, Texas
Celebration of Queen Elizabeth’s Platinum Jubilee in England
Anniversary of the D-Day invasion of Normandy, France 78 years ago

Keep listening because you’ll hear where to find what you and I need most in today’s world. What’s true here in June 2022 as I record this will be true in 2052 and every year following. It’s part of the human condition.

The Uvalde, Texas shooting I’ll start with an article Peggy Noonan wrote in the Wall Street Journal shortly after the shooting in Uvalde, Texas. It’s a blistering piece of fire-breathing anger at the police on the scene who stood around for 45 minutes outside the school while the killer inside gunned down children in their classroom. The failure of the police to storm the building to take out the murderer is contemptible, says Noonan. Young children were calling 911 from their cell phones while the police did nothing. They called for help but none came.

One of the things I appreciate about Peggy Noonan is her ability to look at events in their larger context and to find meaning in them that goes beyond the immediate. She ends her article with the following:

“I close with a thought tugging around in my brain. I think I am seeing a broad and general decline in professionalism in America, a deterioration of our pride in concepts like rigor and excellence. Jan. 6 comes and law enforcement agencies are weak and unprepared and the U.S. Capital falls to a small army of mooks [stupid or incompetent person]. Afghanistan and the departure that was really a collapse, all traceable to the incompetence of diplomatic and military leadership. It’s like everyone’s forgotten the mission.

“I’m not saying, ‘Oh, America was once so wonderful and now it’s not.’ I’m saying we are losing old habits of discipline and pride in expertise - of peerlessness. There was a kind of American gleam. If the world called on us - in business, the arts, the military, diplomacy, science - they knew they were going to get help. The grown-ups had arrived with their deep competence.

The larger meaning found in the Texas tragedy “America now feels more like the people who took the Expedited Three Month Training Course and got the security badge and went to work and formed an affinity group to advocate for change. A people who love to talk, endlessly, about sensitivity, yet aren’t sensitive enough to save children bleeding out on the other side of the door.

“I fear that as people we’re becoming not only increasingly unimpressive but increasingly unlovable.

“My God, I’ve never seen a country so in need of a hero.”

Peggy Noonan, June 4, 2022, Wall Street Journal, page A15

Let that last line sink in for a minute, My God, I’ve never seen a country so in need of a hero. It’s Noonan’s take on what you and I need most right now. I’m going to come back to this in a little bit.

The second event - Queen Elizabeth’s Platinum Jubilee In contrast to the implications of the murders in Texas, we had the Platinum Jubilee celebration in England for Queen Elizabeth II. It was to honor her for the 70 years she’s been the queen, and for becoming the longest-ruling monarch in British - and European - history.

Is there anyone who doesn’t like Queen Elizabeth? I saw a few TV clips of the Jubilee event and all the commentators talked about the hundreds of thousands of Brits who turned out for this 4-day celebration to cheer on the queen. In watching this, I couldn’t help but think of Peggy Noonan’s quote about America, “I’ve never seen a country so in need of a hero.”

Could it be that Queen Elizabeth is the hero England needs? She doesn’t have any political power. She can't set polices for the country. Yet she he is so dearly loved .

Why? My sense is that she is stability personified in the otherwise unstable world we live in. She is a continuation of the monarchy that’s been part of British history for over a thousand years.

The Queen's appeal Her appeal is even more winsome when you consider the dysfunction of the Royal Family. There’s Prince Charles and his messy divorce with the oh-so-popular Princess Diana and his related affair with Camila. There’s the scandal with the queen’s other son, Prince Andrew. And of course, the current mess with Harry and Megan throwing the Royal Family under the bus. Yet Queen Elizabeth stays out of the public fray of it all. You’ve got to admire a queen like this. The family she presides over isn’t all that different than some of our own families.

Is someone like Queen Elizabeth what you and I need most right now? Before I answer, there’s one more worldwide event to consider. One that connects with the Peggy Noonan article about the shooting in Uvalde, Texas, and Queen Elizabeth’s Platinum Jubilee.

78th Anniversary of D-Day This month, here in 2022, marks the 78th anniversary of D-Day, the invasion of Normandy, which marked the beginning of the end of World War II. This year’s anniversary had a different twist to it that I had not seen or heard of before.

Several years ago, in rare bi-partisan support, Congress approved an addition to the WWII memorial in Washington, D.C. Construction will begin next month, in July 2022, on the D-Day Prayer Project.

On June 6, 1944, at At 9:57 pm, President Franklin Roosevelt addressed the nation on radio, announcing the D-Day invasion that began earlier that day. He encouraged everyone to join him in prayer about the invasion. It will be added to the WWII memorial.

It’s not too long, so I will read it to you. It was what the world needed most on June 6, 1944. And it is certainly what you and I need most now. As I read the prayer, look past the specifics of that war-time need, and instead think about the appeal to a person outside of ourselves to meet our needs when things are looking terrible. That’s the point. Here’s the prayer:

FDR's prayer My fellow Americans: Last night, when I spoke with you about the fall of Rome, I knew at that moment that troops of the United States and our allies were crossing the Channel in another and greater operation. It has come to pass with success thus far. And so, in this poignant hour, I ask you to join with me in prayer:

Almighty God: Our sons, pride of our Nation, this day have set upon a mighty endeavor, a struggle to preserve our Republic, our religion, and our civilization, and to set free a suffering humanity.

Lead them straight and true; give strength to their arms, stoutness to their hearts, steadfastness in their faith. They will need Thy blessings. Their road will be long and hard. For the enemy is strong. He may hurl back our forces. Success may not come with rushing speed, but we shall return again and again; and we know that by Thy grace, and by the righteousness of our cause, our sons will triumph.

They will be sore tried, by night and by day, without rest-until the victory is won. The darkness will be rent by noise and flame. Men's souls will be shaken with the violences of war.

For these men are lately drawn from the ways of peace. They fight not for the lust of conquest. They fight to end conquest. They fight to liberate. They fight to let justice arise, and tolerance and good will among all Thy people. They yearn but for the end of battle, for their return to the haven of home.

Some will never return. Embrace these, Father, and receive them, Thy heroic servants, into Thy kingdom.

Pray for ourselves And for us at home - fathers, mothers, children, wives, sisters, and brothers of brave men overseas - whose thoughts and prayers are ever with them - help us, Almighty God, to rededicate ourselves in renewed faith in Thee in this hour of great sacrifice.

Many people have urged that I call the Nation into a single day of special prayer. But because the road is long and the desire is great, I ask that our people devote themselves in a continuance of prayer. As we rise to each new day, and again when each day is spent, let words of prayer be on our lips, invoking Thy help to our efforts.

Give us strength, too - strength in our daily tasks, to redouble the contributions we make in the physical and the material support of our armed forces.

And let our hearts be stout, to wait out the long travail, to bear sorrows that may come, to impart our courage unto our sons wheresoever they may be.

Give us faith And, O Lord, give us Faith. Give us Faith in Thee; faith in our sons; faith in each other; and faith in our united crusade. Let not the keenness of our spirit ever be dulled. Let not the impacts of temporary events, of temporal matters of but fleeting moment let not these deter us in our unconquerable purpose.

With Thy blessing, we shall prevail over the unholy forces of our enemy. Help us to conquer the apostles of greed and racial arrogancies. Lead us to the saving of our country, and with our sister Nations into a world unity that will spell a sure peace a peace invulnerable to the schemings of unworthy men. And a peace that will let all of men live in freedom, reaping the just rewards of their honest toil.

Thy will be done, Almighty God.

Amen.

What you and I need Most Let’s return now to the three events I mentioned in the beginning and consider the theme they all touch on.

The elementary school killing of 19 young children in Uvalde, Texas
Queen Elizabeth and her Platinum Jubilee celebration in England
Anniversary of the D-Day invasion of Normandy, France

The thread that ties these events together is the need for someone or something outside of ourselves to get us out of a mess, to give us a sense of stability that things are going to be okay, no matter what. Like the trapped 4th graders in that Uvalde Texas classroom, we all need someone to rescue us. In our case, to rescue us from ourselves.

We need stability in our lives. We need someone like Queen Elizabeth who has been giving 70 years of her life to serving her subjects, with no intention of stopping. Someone so deeply committed to us. Someone beyond ourselves.

We need God like the allied forces needed on D-Day. Like FDR who called upon us to pray to defeat that which seeks to destroy us.

So what does all this mean for YOU? It is easier to understand how we need to be saved from forces outside of ourselves like evil people. It’s harder to understand how at times we need to be saved from ourselves. What we need most, in either case, is Jesus.

In the Gospel of John, chapter 6, some of the disciples of Jesus begin to desert him. It prompts Jesus to say to his 12 apostles, “Are you going to leave, too?” Peter replies and says in effect, Where else would we go? You are the only one who gives life.”

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode We all need to be rescued from something. Often it’s to be rescued from ourselves. So the rescue must come from someone outside of us. Thankfully, what we need most is right in front of us. Just look and you’ll find Jesus there. Ready to rescue.

As always, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to call upon him to calm your heart in light of the troubled times in which we live. To ask him to save you from your fears, idiosyncrasies, and dysfunctions whatever they may be. And to replace them with the peace only he can provide.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of your relationship with God. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. Please tell others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 021: The Most Important Relationship of All

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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The best Father’s Day gift for 2022 won’t cost you any money. It’s a great gift for the man who has everything. Listen in to learn what it is.

A Father’s Day setback I don’t know about you, but I sure appreciate Carol’s cheery introduction every week. Especially on days like today when I’m feeling a bit ornery. I’ve been like this for a couple of days ever since I got an email about Father’s Day, which here in the US will be upon us in just four days. I had been looking forward to talking about the best Father’s Day gift for 2022, but this email I got pushed me back a little.

Here I was excited about sharing this Father’s Day gift idea because it solves the problem of what to get Dad when he already has everything. I’ll get into that, but first I have to get this troublesome email off my chest first.

A disturbing email Not too long ago I signed up for a free account with Canva, an Australian-based software company that helps people design social media graphics, presentations, posters, documents, etc. It’s kind of like Graphic Design for Dummies. It has lots of templates, and I used one for a gift certificate a while back. If you’re interested in this for yourself, you can go to canva.com.

I get occasional emails from them, one of which arrived on On May 22nd, about a month before Father’s Day. The subject line read,

“Would you rather opt out of Father’s Day emails?”

It went on to say

Father’s Day is coming up and we know it can be a difficult day for many. That’s why we want to offer the option to opt out of Father’s Day emails from us.

And then it gave directions on how to opt out.

Troublesome Assumptions Father’s Day is difficult for Many? Really? For a few, I’m sure. For some, you bet. But Many? And how could the mention of Father’s Day be troubling? A loving father who’s died and is dearly missed, perhaps? But I don’t get that sense at all. I could be all wrong about this, but I find in this email an underlying and troublesome assumption.

Sure, I can understand Father’s day triggering memories of abuse by one’s father, but are we that weak that we need to censure emails to protect us from bad memories? I don’t think so.

The email assumes many of us are victims, which I find distasteful. A bad dad may be part of our story, but it doesn’t have to be an active part. No matter how rotten a father we had, we can celebrate all the far more numerous good fathers that other people have been blessed with. Father’s Day isn’t just about us.

I find the email patronizing and condescending. It’s subtle, but it seems like fathers have become yet another group maligned in today’s cancel culture.

I don’t recall getting a similar email from Canva in the days leading up to Mother’s day last month.

It's hard being a man in these times. For a more balanced view of good men who become fathers, listen to episode 135, “Christmas With a Good Man Brings Joy.” It’s about Joseph, the early father of Jesus. It’s one of my favorites. I’ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes, along with other related episodes mentioned here.

2nd runner up to the best Father’s Day gift of 2022 Before I reveal the best Father’s Day gift of the year, here are the runners-up.

In third place: Marcel Marceau sings ….. Classic Rock Songs From the ‘90s. Carol, my boss, and executive producer is a big Marcel Marceau fan. For Christmas one year she gave me Marcel Marceau Sings Famous Broadway Show Tunes. The CD she gave me must have been scratched because it was hard to hear.

For music-loving fathers, Classic Rock Songs From the 90s by Marcel Marceau would be a good choice.

1st runner up to the Best Father’s Day gift of 2022 The second-best Father’s Day gift for 2022 and first runner-up is actually a real gift most dads would love. It’s a wallet from Pro Style Sports made of the same leather as used in making baseballs. I’ve had one for 4 years. It’s the best wallet I’ve ever had.

I just bought another one in case they stop making this model. Genuine baseball leather. So many compliments when I take it to pay a bill. The smell. Well-made. Cleans easily. The patina over time is authentic.

You can buy it on Amazon by clicking on this link: https://amzn.to/3twCsrl.

It will generate a small commission for the sponsor of this podcast, Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

If you already bought him a gift, buy him this wallet for Christmas.

The winner: Best Father’s Day Gift for 2022

Ask your father questions about his life.

Talk to your dad, tell him you want to learn more of his story. Come up with a few questions ahead of time based on the initial question of “What might it be like to be my father?’

If your father is deceased or estranged from you. Talk to another father, learn his story. If your son is now a father, take off your “That’s my boy” sunglasses, and look at him as a father.

If you’re new to the podcast, you’ll find a more detailed explanation of how to ask questions in episodes 64 and 65.

It will honor your father, It could draw him closer to you.

I wished I would have asked my father more questions. I think I was afraid of him. Tennis. The War. Growing up without a father. Ice skating - who taught him all that stuff. His half-sister, my Aunt Jo, etc.

He’s gone now and my questions remain unanswered.

Inquiry into your father’s life will not only honor him, but it will give you a greater understanding of your dad. Even if he was the bad father my disturbing email was suggesting. Understanding the story of your bad father will help you forgive, if there’s something needing forgiveness.

This Best Father’s Day gift of 2022 won’t cost you any money, but it will cost you some time, and perhaps a bit of your heart.

And it's a gift you can give your dad year-round. Even for Christmas

So what does all this mean for YOU? The best gift we can give anyone is to be curious about their story. Everyone has one, you know. When we inquire about a person’s life for the purpose of understanding them better we honor them. It will bring out the best in you. It will bring out the best in them.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

The best Father’s Day gift in 2022 is to be curious about your Dad by asking him questions about his life. Listening to his story honors him, and it will help deepen your relationship with him.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard. Exercise your curiosity muscles by getting to know your father better. I can assure you, you don’t know him as well as you think you do. But it’s not too late to start now.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because as you know, You Were Made for This.

Resources mentioned in this episode Wallet gift for Father's Day: https://amzn.to/3twCsrl.

Related episodes you may want to listen to:

135: Christmas With A Good Man Brings Joy

064: Start With This Important Question to Ask

065: End With Asking This Important Question

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

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God is a relational being who created us in His image. It is why we are made for relationships. They are what give our life joy and meaning. Listen in to learn how.

I’m a big fan of Ken Burns and the documentaries he produces. His most recent one, which aired on PBS, was about the life of Benjamin Franklin. This founding father of the United States is remembered for a number of things. He helped write the Declaration of Independence and is credited with inventing the Franklin stove, bifocal eyeglasses, and the rocking chair.

When I saw the Ken Burns documentary, it reminded me of an episode I did several years ago, episode 32, that among other things talked about what Ben Franklin did to deal with the loneliness he was experiencing in his 20s. It fascinated me because loneliness is certainly a relationship concern here in the 21st century.

Franklin’s solution to his loneliness was part of a larger discussion in that episode about what our purpose is here on earth. What are we made for? I suggested and still believe strongly, that we are made for relationships.

Because this is such an important topic I thought it would be helpful to rewind parts of that earlier episode for today’s show. We’ll start by looking at the biblical basis for the importance of relationships.

Why relationships are important * In the 1st chapter of the 1st book of the Bible, Genesis, we learn that all of mankind is made in the image of God. * We also learn that God is a relational God, with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit of the Trinity interacting with each other. * So since we are created in the image of God, and since God is relational, we are to be relational as well. As people of faith, we are to reflect God’s image in all our relationships. We were made for this. * In living as an image-bearer of God we can make a contribution and difference in the world through our relationships. We were made for this. * It gives glory to God as we imitate this relational quality of his, especially when we do it well. We were made for this. * When Jesus was asked by the religious leaders of the day what the greatest commandment was, what was the most important thing anyone could do, he responded with “You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.” He said everything we are to do in life is summed up in these two commandments. That is what we are made for. We are made for relationships (Matthew 22:36-39).

Relationships are what our podcast is all about If you’ve been around here for a while and ever wondered about our podcast name, You Were Made for This, I hope by you realize that Relationships are the THIS we are made for. We were all made for relationships.

This podcast is designed to equip people to make their relationships the best they can possibly be. The 31 episodes from season one were created to give people tools and ways of thinking they can use to enhance their relationships because on so many levels, it’s our relationships that give our life meaning and purpose.

So for today let’s consider relationships in terms of the THIS we were made for. We’ll use T.H.I.S as an acronym to describe four important qualities that will transform our relationships into the best they can be. I’ll be making some comments and observations about each of them.

T.H.I.S

T - Transcendence * To be transcendent in our relationships means to exceed our natural inclination as a human being to be self-centered, where our inherent goal is to do whatever we have to do to meet our needs and desires. To be transcendent is to move past our focus on self, to focus on others instead. It’s to go beyond “conforming to the pattern of this world” that the Apostle Paul talks about in Romans 12: 2. * When we see our life as a relational one, it acknowledges our need for something outside of ourselves. It’s to admit vulnerability, which can be scary for some. It’s to admit we have needs we cannot meet ourselves. * Maintaining good relationships is a means of worship for any person of faith. Romans 12 tells us we are to present our entire personhood to God as an act of worship. And this includes our relationships. * Three relationships are discussed in the 17 verses of this chapter. Our relationship with God. Our relationship with ourselves. And our relationship with each other; with other people. * We can influence the world and make it a better place through our relationships. People are watching. We model for them what good relationships look like and the rewards that come with relating well. * To transform relationship requires change on our part. We cannot change others, but we can change ourselves. Don’t expect any transformation my reacting. Expect Transformations when WE change.

H - Honor * One of the most relational verses of the Bible is found in the Apostle Paul’s letter to the Romans, chapter 12, verse 10: “Take delight in honoring each other.” (NLT) Notice the “delight!” * We honor someone when we listen to them, which is sorely lacking in today’s culture * We honor people when we try to bring out the best in them. For when we bring out the best in others we bring out the best in ourselves. It’s one way we experience joyful, life-giving relationships. * We honor our relationship with another person when we humbly acknowledge our weaknesses and relational skills, and work to hone those skills for the sake of the relationship. * We honor the difficult relationships in our lives when we allow people to experience the consequences of their choices, even when we see how those choices are so harmful to the person making them.

I - Initiate * Because of the fall, relationships are not as life-giving as they could be. But these relationships can be transformed. * Relationships by and large are transformed when we take action, when we take initiative, rather than waiting for someone to initiate with us * We were made to take the initiative in our relationships, regardless of how other parties in that relationship may or may not respond. * Cal Newport, in his latest book, Digital Minimalism, tells an interesting story about taking initiative in relationships. You’ll find a link to the book at the end of the show notes. Apparently relationships were important to one of the founding fathers of the United States, Benjamin Franklin. In 1727 he returned from London, to live in his newly adopted home of Philadelphia. He was from Boston and had no social connections in the City of Brotherly Love. Only 21 at the time, Franklin soon discovered he wasn’t feeling the love in Philadelphia. * But rather than waiting for relationships to come to him, he created his own network of relationships he called the Junto Social Club. It had 12 members, from various walks of life, who met every Friday evening for 38 years to discuss the social issues of the day.

Franklin acts What is important in this story is that Franklin initiated. He stepped out. What if all lonely people did this? What if we all initiated like this?

There are elements of our culture, however, that run counter to the notion of taking initiative in relationships. One of them is the online world of digital technology.

In Digital Minimalism, Newport quotes MIT professor Shirley Turkle who makes the distinction between connection (online interactions) and conversation (real-world encounters between human beings).

"Face-to-face conversation is the most human-and humanizing-thing we do. Fully present to one another, we learn to listen. It’s where we develop the capacity for empathy. It’s where we experience the joy of being heard, of being understood.”

Newport and Turtle argue that it is only analog interactions that move the needle in relationship development. “Digital interactions miss the nuances of face-to-face interactions or voice-to-voice communication Absent are the tone of voice, facial expressions. Conversation is what counts.” page 154

S - Self-less Service [re: Junto society of Benjamin Franklin’s] Franklin structured their meetings around 24 questions. Here are 3 of them:

13. Do you know of any deserving young beginner lately set up, whom it lies in the power of the Junto any way to encourage?

14. Is there any man whose friendship you want, and which the Junto, or any of them, can procure for you?

21. Have you any weighty affair in hand, in which you think the advice of the Junto may be of service?

Noticed how other-centered and service-oriented these questions are.

Franklin’s initiative in starting the Junto Club also comes out of his self-awareness of his need for relationships.

Results a listener could expect if they implemented my solution Imagine what our life would be like a year from now if we implemented the T.H.I.S principles (transcendence, honoring others, taking the initiative, and self-less service)? Imagine the fulfillment you would find in your transformed relationships.

Also, imagine if we did nothing. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.

If we were to engage in our relationships in terms of these 4 qualities, (transcendence, honoring others, taking the initiative, and selfless service). The more we exhibit these qualities in our relationships, the more life-giving and fulfilling they will be.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

You were made for T.H.I.S. - Relationships that: transcend our natural inclination to focus on self, that honor others as we strive to bring out the best in people, where we initiate by reaching out beyond ourselves, and where we selflessly serve other people.

So what does all this mean for YOU? I hope by now you appreciate the importance of relationships. And if that’s the case for you, shouldn’t we then make every effort to make them the best they can be?

I suggest starting with looking at the transcendent quality of just one of your relationships. How can you relate more in a way that bears the image of God well? What are some ways you can relate that give people a picture of part of the character of God?

You can do this. I know you can.

Closing In closing, I hope you’re convinced by now that we are made for relationships. The T.H.I.S. model we talked about back several years ago in episode 32 is still true today. It’s a useful tool for helping us find more joy in our relationships as we reflect the character of God.

Well, that’s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don’t forget to create a little joy for the people you meet this week. Spread around some relational sunshine. And I’ll see you again next time.

Resources related to this episode 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Digital Minimalism - Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World, by Cal Newport

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When we remember the people who made our life better it reminds us of the goodness of God who blessed us with these relationships. It’s a way to celebrate Memorial Day in addition to what we traditionally do. Listen in to learn how.

For those of you who have been listeners to this podcast for the last year or so you’ve heard me talk about an easy-to-understand method of enhancing our relationships. It’s called the ORA model. Observe - Reflect - Act.

I’ll have links to a few past episodes if you want to understand ORA in more detail. It’s easy to understand, but challenging to put into practice. That’s where listening to this podcast over time will help.

The “R” component of ORA - Reflect has a key component within it that also starts with “R.” It’s Remember. An especially timely relationship skill to consider today in light of the holiday we celebrate in the United States the last Monday in May. Memorial Day. Keep listening to learn more about how the act of remembering can enrich your life.

A different kind of Memorial Day I first talked about our American Memorial Day holiday back in episode 28. And I’ll be borrowing from it quite heavily in this episode.

In the US, this national holiday began after our Civil War in the 1860s when it was called “Decoration Day.” The name comes from the early tradition of decorating graves with flowers, wreaths, and flags.

We now call it Memorial Day. A day to remember those who have died in service to their country. It’s an important day here in the US, and it happened just a few days ago on May 29 here in 2022.

The last I checked, we have listeners to this podcast in 73 countries, and I know many of them to have similar holidays to honor those who have fallen in service to their country in war. When we remember the people who made our lives better by fighting to protect us, it gives us a greater appreciation of the freedoms we have.

All this got me thinking that I wonder if we could ever have a worldwide Memorial Day to remember the people who made our life better in other ways. In ways more personal to us. Here’s an example of how someone made my life better that I talked about back in episode 28. It’s a story about my friend, Ken.

A friend from Brazil uses my snowblower Story of my missionary friend, Ken
(If you haven't listened to the podcast, I'm sorry but there 's no transcript available for this 4-minute story.)

My missionary friend Ken made my life better in more ways than just blowing the 6 inches of snow off my driveway. He showed me that to be a helpful caring person you don’t need to ask, “How can I help you?” Just do something you think would be helpful. If Ken had actually asked me, “John, how can I help you?” I don’t think it would have occurred to me to answer with “come over and clear our driveway of snow.” He made my life better by being an example - a role model - of how to care for people. He showed me I could be the same kind of person to others. It’s not rocket science.

More than this, Ken made my life better by giving me a picture of who Jesus is. Blowing the snow off my driveway is something Jesus would have done. He washed the feet of the twelve apostles at the last supper. He would have cleared my driveway of snow, too.

I bet you can remember people in your life who have made it better. I’ll give you some examples that I will also have listed in the show notes.

Remember the people in your life who… * gave you money when you really needed it * took the blame for something you did, either as a child or an adult * believed in you when others didn’t, or when you didn’t believe in yourself * loved you even when you were unlovable * taught you how to read. Imagine life today if you didn’t know how to read * let you off the hook for something you did * forgave you * gave you a job when others would not hire you * was silent when they had every right to chew you out for something you did * was a role model for you * told you tough things you needed to hear * took your side, when everyone else was against you * listened to you * set their needs aside to meet your needs * loved you unconditionally * let you win an argument, even though they were right and you were wrong * Brought out the best in you * chose not to believe the gossip they heard about you * asked for your help * gave you hope when you had none yourself * invited you to dream * wanted to hear about your kids and grandkids * rejoiced with you in the things you were rejoicing about * mourned with you when you were mourning * let you talk on and on, without ever shifting the spotlight of the conversation onto them * sat in the crowded back seat of the car so you could sit upfront

Well, that’s my list of people to remember. I can think of someone in each of these categories. How about you? I’d like to hear from you about any I’ve missed that have made a positive difference in your life.

So what does all this mean for YOU? It is so easy to forget the people who have made our life better.

It takes practice to remember them and there’s no better time to practice than this time around Memorial Day when we remember those who have made a positive impact on our life.

In taking time to pause and remember the blessings of our relationships, we acknowledge God’s love for us by sending just the right people, at just the right time, to do just the right thing that we needed.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Remembering the people who made our life better causes us to reflect upon the goodness of God who blessed us with these relationships. It reminds us we can make life better for someone else - even in very small ways - just as others have done for us.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to reflect upon the people who made a positive impact on your life.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don’t forget to spark a little joy for the people you meet this week. Spread some relational sunshine around. And I’ll see you next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
002: The Gift of a Background Relationship

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When we listen to a missionary it often causes us to reflect. Does my life have a larger meaning like there’s? Do I see God at work as they do? Listen in to today’s show where we hear the story of a couple who changed the trajectory of their lives by leaving the business world to become missionaries.

Why this topic at this time? Today’s episode is in response to a podcast listener by the name of Patty who said she’d like to hear more interviews with missionaries. I can see why. They are some of the most interesting people around. To talk with a missionary is almost always an interesting conversation.

And more than interesting, whenever we truly hear the story of another person, whether they’re a missionary or not, it can’t help but cause us to reflect upon our own story.

For today’s show, I interviewed two of my friends, Billy and Laura Borkenhagen, to learn from them and their life-changing missionary story.

One thing that’s different about today’s episode is that I have a word-for-word transcript of my interview in the show notes. It was done using AI - artificial intelligence software. I have been wanting to experiment with this for a while. And if actual transcripts are something you’d like to see more of, please let me know.

Okay. Let’s get on with it.

Interview transcript John:
So Laura and Billy, tell us a little bit about your journey to becoming missionaries. I mean, you both had pretty great careers and you left all of that to become missionaries in a camping ministry. Laura, why don't we start with you first?

Laura:
Sure. So yeah, Billy and I met in college and Billy became an architect and I began working in marketing. We both worked at the Kohler Company for our careers. I even traveled internationally for, a bit of time, which was really fun and fixed up a house. And I, I ran, I started my own photo business and Billy started working downtown in Milwaukee. We had three kids and life was, you know, kind of how I had it planned in my Excel spreadsheet of how I wanted my life to be. Yeah. And so we had taken our family with our three kids up to camp just to attend a winter camp and, just really had a great time. And so the next year we decided to go back and while we were there, I was reading in the dining hall. They have all the missionaries, like a little bio about each one of them and I was reading them. And at the end there was a job posting. I wasn't looking for a job, but I just, in that moment, I knew that that was my job. And that kind of just started a journey of us asking questions. And yeah, it was a bit of a story, but we, we ended up both joining as missionaries at, at Fort wilderness. And now we're here in the north woods.

John:
Well, tell us a little bit about what camping is at Fort wilderness and what your role is there.

Laura:
Sure. Fort wilderness is a camping ministry it's in Northern Wisconsin and it really aims to do, do four things. They get people out in God's creation in the outdoors just immersed, in what God's created, gives people God's word. So at all the different camps and retreats, there's always a speaker or, or way for you to hear, hear God's word. And then they use adventure programming. So things like horses and water slides and tubing Hills, and swimming and all sorts of adventure things. And then the fourth one is community. And so, so you're, you're always in Christian community. So it uses those four things and it's year round, summer, winter fall. And then there's camps for families. There are things just for youth where they get dropped off for, for a week or so there's a college age program. And then there's adult programs where it's like, just adults, like a men's retreat or women's retreat.

John:
So you're doing, you're doing your marketing thing, part-time from your home and Billy's still working in the Milwaukee area as an architect, correct?

Laura:
Yeah. That's how it started. I, I saw this job posting and I said, Hey, would you consider someone working part-time remote because I'm not moving that was my quote. And funny how, how God, every time I've said I would not do something, I feel like I've done it.

John:
Yeah.

Laura:
Yeah. So the, they were like, well, maybe like why? And I was like, well, I'm not interested in moving, but oh, I'd love to like work for Fort. And so they entertained the idea. They're like, sure, like think about it, pray about it. So I applied, I interviewed and I became the first ever remote employee. Working from the Milwaukee area while Billy was working in Milwaukee and the plan, I was willing to raise support as a missionary, but they said, well, we've never had anyone working remotely. So they offered me a six month contract where they paid me and they said at six months, if it works out, then we'll talk about raising support said, okay. So the six month mark comes and, and COVID had hit. And so I, I was not the only remote employee anymore cuz lots of people were working remote at that point.

Laura:
But the six month mark came and we were up at camp helping out and I was supposed to have this meeting about raising support. But before that meeting Billy's boss approached him and said, Hey,, there's really no job available, but I really need an architect. And you're married to Laura. Like, would you guys consider moving up here and, joining staff. And we were like, um maybe I'm not sure. And so the short story, they sent us home and said pray about it for the next 30 days. And we said yes, after that 30 days, cuz we really felt, felt the Lord every, there was a hundred instances where we felt like, wow, the Lord is just really showing us and opening this door.

John:
Yeah. And Billy, that was quite a, I mean it was big change for Laura, but, but you actually gave up a pretty great job as an architect. How did, how did that, how did God work in your life to, to do such a thing?

Billy:
Yeah. I really thought that I would retire at HGA cuz it was a really good firm and my opportunity to work there was pretty unique and through one of my college professors, so I had a good job and I liked it. I think the shortest way I can answer that. The short story is that by a combination of the opportunities at Fort wilderness, the special needs that they had and then some things that God was doing, not only in my life, but in Laura's life, separately, but at the same time. And each of us made it pretty clear to us that this is something that, we should step into. And that was kind of the answer to the prayer that we got. So that's the very short version of that story. I think the longer version is that God had showed me very clearly that we weren't in total control of our lives.

Billy:
As much as you think you are, as much as you think the way you live or the job you have or the community you're in is giving you some sense of control God had shown us in personal ways that we're actually not in control. And so that put our minds in a place where I think we were willing to consider leaving all of the stuff that we've built up over the years and taking a risk of stepping in, into sort of this unknown role and fulfilling this, what was a, a clear need, but an unknown role for us. And so the timing of that sensation with the open doors and the opportunities and all of that is really what compelled us to seriously pray about it and determined this is where God was leading us.

John:
Mm yeah. So it's not like you were, you were running away from something that, you know, things are going along pretty well. And, but here is something that was better that God was leading you to.

Billy:
Yeah,Absolutely. I mean, it's still to be honest, you know, sometimes at our worst we're tempted to think like, man, did we, you know, you get to this point where can't go back and you're like, did we make a mistake? You know, going forward. And yeah. And I think a lot of that is just the enemy tempting us and trying to, you know, keep us from what God's called us into. But yeah, absolutely. It wasn't certainly wasn't running away. In fact it was quite when we came to Fort wilderness, for me personally, I had a lot of support and encouragement from peers and coworkers and even my own supervisor when I left and broke the news to him that I was, you know, gonna be resigning in the next month and talked to him. He this was God's grace.

Billy:
He had offered that, you know, he is like, he's like, I, I'm not gonna ask you to stay and offer you more money cuz I understand why you're doing this, he's like, but if things don't work out in spring and your support raising, isn't going well, he's like just call me, you know, I could throw some work your way and you could work remotely. Everybody was working remotely at that time. Anyway. So things like that were super helpful and leaving on leaving with good rapport and on good terms is, you know, something you still think about, especially in those moments when you're doubting and you know, wondering, and life is seeming more complicated than it probably should be.

John:
Yeah. Yeah. Interesting, you know, one definition of a missionary is someone who goes from one culture to another culture to, in some ways spread the good news of Jesus Christ. Now you move from one part of Wisconsin to another part of Wisconsin, but did you notice any cultural differences between where you were living in, in an urban setting compared to ....your smiling ... Um compared to living in the north woods? Tell us about the change in culture.

Laura:
Yeah, yeah. That's such a good, good question. You know, I think, I think I know that I downplayed this. I was like, and we've, we've had this whole discussion of what is the definition of a missionary and, and there’s different ones. You know, at Fort we raise, we raise our support, meaning that our salaries paid to us. We had to talk to our church and friends and family and they support us monthly and that money pays our salary. So you know, that, that was one thought I had and because we were doing that support raising, I was like, yeah, I'm mean, and there isn't really the cultural thing because we're in Wisconsin and we're still gonna be in Wisconsin. And I, I should have, have thought about that more. It's been a drastic cultural change, both from just living in the city to living in the north woods, but also just not being on the corporate world schedule economy.

Laura.:
It's been challenging. I think mainly because I downplayed it. It was like, it's no, no big deal. We're just moving four hours away. It's no big deal.... And it, it has been a big deal. Mm. And I, you know, John, you told us, you have a lot of people that listen to your podcasts that are missionaries. And so I don't want that to come across as we did something as, as hard as moving to another country. In fact, I'm saying, wow, this has been a struggle. And we moved four hours and I can't imagine someone moved actually to a different our country. Yeah. we, you know didn't have language barriers or, or any of, of those things. So I don't, I don't wanna diminish, I mean yeah. Mm-Hmm, even more strength it must take to, to go to another country.

John:
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. How about for you, Billy? What, how has the cultural change, affected you or did it,?

Billy:
Yeah, certainly I think, especially cuz we moved from a pretty tight knit community and we had a lot of overlap between our church community and our living community mm-hmm . And so the people that we'd see and bump into at church on Sunday were also people that we'd see and bump into, you know, walking around sidewalks and we're just kind of doing life together. And that's, so it's a little, it's much more spread out up here just physically and logistically to overlap and to kind of get insights into people's lives or invite people into your lives is just logistically more challenging. So that was a, that's a big thing. I think that just drives sort of a different culture in the way. Probably that people are just and this is, I don't like to make general statements, but are just less accustomed to always being around mm-hmm you and other of people, you know, it's just, it's just kind of, there's a different vibe to it.

Billy:
But I think to add to what Laura was saying one of the challenges, and maybe this is less about culture is just being, feeling unestablished. I think when you go from a place where you feel established or you built a home and a life and you go to another place, whether that's 30 minutes away or on the other side of the world, there's a part of you. I think that I felt that where we feel like foreigners a little bit, like we're not, we, we didn't grow up here. You know, we haven't, our kids weren't raised here. We don't have the history, we don't know the places. We don't know the landmarks, all the, all the things that make you kind of have this sense of home and establishment, we're trying to piece together and, you know, get a grip on a little bit. So in that sense, maybe that amplifies the, what we perceive as like a difference in cultures from one to the other. But I think, that's a big part of it.

John:
Mm. Yeah. You know, one of those things that, we talk a lot about on the podcast is relationships. Have you noticed any differences in relationships where you're living now compared to where you were living, where you came from? Are they, are they different? Are they the same? How has your move affected the relationship between the two of you and, you know, your children, your parents? Has that been affected in any way?

Billy:
Yeah, I think , sometimes there might be the sense that if God's calling you to something and you understand that call and you accept that call, that you've arrived and you've, you've kind of done it and accomplished, you know, like the rest of this story is, and they lived happily ever after, you know, and I think that one of the things I've come to recognize, especially with relationships is that God doesn't, you know, call the equipped, but that he calls everybody, especially us to come here to grow. And so we've, I think that Laura and I, you know, between the two of us have had growth in our relationship, even in the past weeks. And some of that, I contribute to God, specifically pushing us and growing us in areas together as a married couple. And a lot of it has to do with, you know, that whole being established thing. I think that maybe he hasn't let us get too established yet because he does want us to not be too dependent on things. He loves us too much to let us get established in maybe bad routines or things like that. Mm-Hmm so he's working on us and you know, would he have done that? Had we not slipped into this fall? I don't probably, I don't know, but it seems like as we're here specifically, you know, making our work, his work, he's been pretty intentional in growing us as a married couple.

John:
Mm-Hmm. Yeah.

Laura:
I think yeah, our relationships have, have definitely every single one has changed. One thing we were talking about just tonight was so we had this great community where we lived and with our church and our neighborhood and Bible studies, we were in, like, we just, we had this great, great community. Right. And like, lots of people knew we were Christians, but yet we become a missionary. Right. And, so now all these friends know that we did this big thing and moved, right. And like Billy said, like, somehow you can feel like you've arrived. And, and cuz people would say that to you like, oh, I could never do that, but I'm so glad you're doing it. Like as if we're all of sudden somehow elevated, which is just not true, God comes to us in our brokenness. But, the really surprising, you know, the sad change is like, of course, like you don't keep in touch as much as you want because we're here now.

Laura:
And a lot of our relationships where we lived, like everyone walked places, we only had one car and we almost never used it. Like, so you would just run into people and connect with them. And so that's gone, like, you know, you still can text people and call people, but like that daily interaction it's not there. And so that, that was a great, great loss, but this beautiful thing that's come is people, whether they support us financially or not, we'll text us prayer requests. And it's like, I used to talk to you every day and you never asked me to pray for you. but now I'm a missionary. And like, I get the honor of people reaching out and being like, Hey, this is going on. I know you said that we could reach out for prayer you prayed for this. And I was like, wow, like, so that's been a beautiful change in, in the relationship. Mm-Hmm. That I wasn't expecting to be honest, like I was not expecting that at all. So, yeah.

John:
Cool. And, tell us about your, kids. You got three young kids. What about your relationship with them and their own individual relationships? Can you comment on that?

Laura:
You know, it was, it was a really big change for them too. And, and for context, our kids, when we moved were, seven, five and three, when we moved and, and I thought, you know, yeah, they've got friends, but they're super young. You know, they're not gonna, I, I didn't think it would be a huge deal, but there was a lot of factors. They were in public school, COVID hit. Then they were home. Then we decided to homeschool. Then we decided to become missionaries. And so they had like major change after major change, after, or major change. So I, I think there's been highs and lows mm-hmm and I think, I think something God's taught me in it is you can plan all you want and pick out, oh, this community is gonna be best for my kids, or this school is gonna be best, or this church home is gonna be best. But at the end of the day, there's not one perfect place to raise kids. And it's gonna be hard whether we're missionaries in the Northwood of Wisconsin or we're in this perfect picked out community. Mm-Hmm because we had picked out, you know, where we lived was because of the schools and the church and the community and, and there's pros and cons to any place you live. And at the end of the day, you have to put the time into parenting and you've got to rely on the Lord.

John:
Mm-Hmm

Laura:
I think the Lord's for sure. Been teaching me that since we've been here.

John:
Yeah. Yeah. Were there any surprises when you started, when you moved?

Laura:
Was that a yes, no question? The answer is yes.

John:
. Can you share one ?

Billy:
Yeah, I don't want, I don't mean this to sound critical or anything. But I think that for some reason, I thought that I worked in the secular world and that the secular world was very secular. And then you come and where I was going to work , you know, is kind of the church and the ministry. And so I had sort of this ideal in my mind about how that would look and function, and honestly you get into it and you start to discover like, oh, wait a minute. There's actually like, people are still people even here. And there's brokenness mm-hmm and there's challenges. And there's, you know, places where maturity is needed or places where maturity is really strong. And so one surprises that I found myself in moments, like looking back and thinking like, wow, actually in some ways I found my, my company that I worked for to be, you know, in moments could be more empathetic and in moments could be more concerning about, you know, like work life balance or stuff like that.

Billy:
And, again, I don't mean that to sound like a criticism, especially Fort wilderness is an amazing organization. And, you know, I think we're super blessed and impressed with it, but there's just a, you know, a reckoning of the ideals that we sometimes falsely build up in our mind about how, how ministry is gonna be this perfect place. Everyone's gonna be working hand in hand in community. But like, in fact it is work and , it's called work for a reason because it is difficult and people aren't perfect and we aren't perfect. And, but yet by God's grace we all, you know, so somehow come together and do something.

John:
Yeah. Yeah. Cool. For each of you, what have you found to be some of the more rewarding things about what you do?

Billy:
Do you wanna go,

Laura:
You can go first.

Billy:
Well, I think it's really cool being like I'm, so I'm a registered architect and I'm an architect by trade and been doing that for years. And I came from a firm of, you know, there are 110 people in it and like 80 architects, people who think and work like I do. And we, you know, we understand the craft that we come together around to do. So being, being the only architect now has on one hand challenges, because you don't have the depth of resources you had and you know, you're always kind of comparing yourself to your, your past or your peers, in the industry. But on the other hand it's really cool cuz you feel like, man, I really matter here. Like I really like I'm bringing the skillset that's unique and prepared us for it. And I matter in this role and I, I really feel like I belong here. And so I think that's been rewarding as we've seen projects come together and as we kind of solidify with our teams and you know, work together really well and actually see stuff get done, it's, it's kind of a cool feeling. You feel like you really had a big impact on it.

John:
Mm-hmm great.

Laura:
Yeah. And I'd, I'd say I think our unique area of ministry of, what Fort does, family camps in general, the people coming are all Christians to the family camp. Like you come to family camp to have a certain experience and you likely wouldn't sign up to attend a Christian family camp if you're not Christian in general. Right. So, so that part of the ministry people come and they are expecting and willing to talk about deep things because you're the missionary staff. And so, you know, I worked years at the Kohler company and had maybe one spiritual top discussion with a colleague because it's like taboo in the workplace to talk about anything. Right. Spiritual. Yeah. Yeah. And so if to get on that level with someone took years of working with them and it's like, we're up here at camp. And like our first summer I'm like, I just had this incredible conversation and this camper was talking to me about that.

Laura:
Right. And it's just like happening all over. And so that was like super encouraging. And then the youth camps and all winter, the youth groups come up all winter and, and so that you've got just all sorts of people. Like they're not, not all Christians and they're seeking and so yeah, I've just been, just touched the whole, the whole year. And I, I guess maybe it, it, after working corporate world for a long time, I hope that I never lose that this first year joy that every time campers are there, there's an opportunity for an incredible conversation. Yeah. yeah. Yeah. You know, and, and the flip side of that, honestly, though, John is like, there are days when I'm doing my marketing stuff that I just feel like I'm doing marketing stuff. Right. And, and I think as someone who, this is our first time working in ministry and I, I cringe at that term because you work as a Christian, I think you're always working in ministry. You're just not always being paid. Right. Like, yeah. So I guess I think, you know, we're one year in living up here and, and I'm still, I'm still wrestling through, I think a lot of that of am I, am I doing ministry when I'm plugging away at my computer? Mm-Hmm you know, or is it only when I'm talking with campers?

Billy:
Yeah.

Laura:
And there's a guilt in that right. Of like, and then you have camp is fun. So it's like, I never wanna leave because I might miss out on some incredible conversation. And then I'm like, but wait, like this isn't about me. Like God is actually doing the work. So I can go home like, , I can go rest. Right.

Billy:

It's a bit of an identity crisis at times, because it's like on one hand, I'm, I'm a professional who came from the corporate world and I'm, for me, I'm an architect and I do architect and we drive projects and I know what to do as an architect. So I've got that title. But on the other hand, I'm sort of this, I guess, cliche, missionary title too, you know, it's like, and so I feel like, like you're saying, if I'm doing my architecture stuff really well, it takes a lot of, you know, time and dedication. And I feel like, okay, I'm, I'm being a good architect, but now I'm not being a good mission area because I'm not doing ministry with people and you know, and so then it's like, all right, now, what is mission? What is ministry then?

Billy:
Is it designing the projects and, you know, making them successful or is it serving lunch with a camper or having the spiritual conversation or preaching, or, you know, where, when I'm an architect one minute, and the next minute i'm a missionary and, you know, maybe, you know, why doe it gotta be so complicated? but, but there's a bit of that where you feel like you're doing one well, and you're neglecting the other, or you're doing the other well, and you're neglecting the first and mm. It's kind of a strange gray area. Cause you're, yeah. You know, you're compared to professionals on one hand, but also this definition of a missionary on the other hand.

John:
Yeah. That was interesting. What have you learned about yourself? You've been there now? What a year and a half, two years, is it

Billy:
Deep questions. You know, I think, I think one thing that I've learned is I didn't think that where I lived and the house I had mattered to me as much as it apparently did. I

Billy:
Hmm. You know, and I think that we were talking a little bit earlier about, you know, this idea of being established and all that, and it's, it's more uncomfortable than I probably thought it would be. You know, I kind of had this idea that I could live. We could live anywhere. You know, we're pretty flexible. We're nimble all this stuff, but it's just weird how these silly thoughts come to you. You like the neighborhood we live in now, demographically is, is much poor, very different, mostly all rentals. Like, so you have, you know, it's, it's not hard to see that there's like a lot of brokenness and the families and things around here. And, you know, in Wauwatosa I think we lived across the street where our next neighbor's house was a $600,000 house. And now , I think the house across the street from us is probably worth $60,000, you know?

Billy:
So it's like Uh, starkly different. And so you have these dumb thoughts of like, man, my kids, like, what are they gonna grow up understanding of it? You know, like how is this gonna affect them and all this stuff. So I think God has used our living situation to expose idols in our hearts and in his grace has pushed us to deal with those things and to really understand what, you know, what is, what is important. And so I think that's a way that I've seen, I know I've been growing in that. I think we've both been growing in that. Mm.

Laura:
Yeah. I think the biggest thing I've learned about myself is that I had a lot of deep rooted pride in, in money and my own achievements. Like, like I went to college and, you know, I was a straight A student. And so then you, you get the job and your paycheck comes and you're like, yeah, I deserve that money. In fact, I probably should be paid more because mm-hmm. , I've worked for this and I'm a hard worker and right. Like it, you can just, I mean, I never said those words out loud, but I definitely thought them in my head. And then the Lord leads us to this thing that we have to raise support. Right. And every time, so how it works when we get a paycheck, every paycheck there, we get a sheet in it with all these names and the amount that that person gave in that two week pay period.

Laura:
Mm. And it's really hard to be prideful when you get a sheet like that every week. And you're like, no, like the reason I get to do this work is because all these people believed that this ministry was worth it and believed that Billy and I were being called to it and are willing to give the funds so that, so I can get paid. And every time I open those little envelopes, I'm like, oh, it's not about me. Like it, like, I just it's. I mean, we've been getting them for a year. Like, and I still can just feel like I need that reminder every two weeks to not be prideful. And I'm like, wow, I had a way bigger pride issue than I thought I had.

John:
Mm-Hmm.

Laura:
Like, like, okay, like, you know, and so it gets back to this like dual purpose. It's like, has the Lord called us here because we're, we have skill sets and we have something to offer that Fort needs. Yes. But has he equally called us here because he's working in us and, and through us, like, because we're broken sinful people, like yes. Like both those things are true.

Billy:
Yeah.

Laura:
And, I think that's a good place to be, to have both those being true.

John:
Yeah. What advice would you have for someone who is where you were a year and a half, two years ago? What advice would you have for someone who would be considering leaving a secular job to be, to become a missionary?

Billy:
I would say that if, if God is really calling you to that, then you can't go wrong and he, he's not calling you because you're equipped and you may, and you may be, and maybe you have a skillset to offer, but it's like, Laura was just saying, he's calling you to equip you. He will equip you. And in ways that are far reaching beyond the actual work that he's calling you to do, mm-hmm,, he's deeply concerned with you. He's deeply concerned with the condition of your heart and he loves you. And that's why he's calling you into it. So if he's, yeah, if you, if he's calling you then do it, but it doesn't mean that the rest of the story is, and they lived happily ever after mm-hmm

John:
Yes.

Billy:
He calls us to grow us.

Laura:
Yeah. I'd echo that. And, and I would also say if you feel the Lord's leading, you, you know, you need to get on your hands and knees and, and make sure that he's, he's the one leading that it's not something in your own mind. And, and I think you do that in prayer. I think you do that in, in his word, you do that by reaching out to, to some really trusted friends, which, you know, John, that, we did that when we were in our, our discernment time period. And for us, all three of those areas in our individual prayer in our time spent in the word and the trusted friends we met with all three pointed to, to going. And at that point we said, yes, we didn't, we didn't ask about the money. Or we were like, well, we can't say no. Now, like, if God has said yes, in all three of those areas, like, I mean, that that's, I that's how we discerned our decision. And so I, I put that time in that discernment process, for sure.

John:
Yeah. Yeah. Well, this has been great. It's getting going longer than I told you it would go. So I appreciate your appreciate your time. If people wanted to find out more about Fort wilderness, how could they do that? What's the website and all of that. And I'll have it in the show notes too.

Laura:
Yeah. So it's, it's fortwilderness.com. It's a new website that I had the privilege of working on. So thanks for asking about that, John.

John:
That's right. I forgot. Yeah. That's a great website.

Laura:
That's been my big work for the last like eight months. It's not perfect, but, but we did launch the new website and you can find out about the ministry there. You can see the missionaries that are serving there and many are still raising support. Yeah. And you can, you can get in touch with us. We love praying for people and getting to know people so, yeah, that'd be great.

John:
Mm-Hmm. Good. Well, thanks again. We love you guys and we, we miss you, but we're just really, really excited to see how God is using you for his glory in Northern Wisconsin and all the people that come from all over to learn more about Jesus and you are important parts of that ministry, important parts of facilitating that kind of activity and advancing God's kingdom. So we applaud what you do, that's for sure. So again, thanks for your time. And we will stay in touch.

So what does all this mean for YOU? Some of the questions I asked Billy and Laura I found helpful for all of us to ask ourselves

How has God led us to what we are doing now?
How are relationships impacting our lives?
What are the rewarding things about our jobs, or if we’re not employed, what’s rewarding in the ways we spend our time?
What have we learned about ourselves in the last year or two?
Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Taking the time to listen to a missionary, to hear their story of how God has led them and is growing them, can inspire us to listen more deeply to God so that we can grow too.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show to think about how you can listen to a missionary, or even your friends, to hear their story of how they got to where they are today.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. In the meantime, create a little joy for the people you meet this week. Spread some relational sunshine. And I’ll see you next time.

To check out Fort Wilderness, go to fortwilderness.com

Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
143: Initiate with People to Enrich Our Life - Part 1
144: Initiate with People to Enrich Our Life - Part 2

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Asking people “what’s on your mind?,” helps others go beyond sharing news of the superficial events in their life. It deepens relationships. Listen in to learn how.

My wife Janet and I have been meeting on and off with a church group of small group leaders. We began meeting just as the Covid pandemic was getting underway in 2020, so our meetings have been more off than on. In a more recent meeting, the group wanted to talk about how can we get people to open up and talk about deeper things going on in their lives?

I suggested one question they could ask that I found works in getting people to talk more openly about what’s going on within them. It’s a question that works equally well in small groups or in a one-on-one conversation. It’s a good listening tool, and is the subject of today’s episode

A good listening tool The question I suggested is this: What’s on your mind lately? I don’t want to say a lot about this question right now, because I plan to talk in another episode about the back story to this simple question and why it is so effective in getting people to open up.

Instead, for our time together today, I want to show how the what’s been on your mind? question works. Asking this question usually draws people out to share the deeper things going on in their lives, rather than simply talking about the past week’s news as so often happens.

While the question is effective in groups and in individual conversations, it also works when we answer the question alone by ourself. It serves to give clarity to what we’re experiencing, and a measure of peace as we organize our thoughts and feelings. It’s like reorganizing what’s in our kitchen cabinets for easier access.

To demonstrate, I’m going to answer myself the question, what’s on your mind? I encourage you to do the same thing but to write your answers down. That’s what I’ve done. Bullet points or short phrases will do just fine.

A Facebook Memory To get started, here’s one thing that’s on my mind. A Facebook memory I wrote 9 years ago popped up on my computer screen early this morning. Here’s what I said back then:

“Watching 3 of the grands for a few days. Getting off the bus this afternoon they ran into the house, talking all at once about the fun things they did at school today. Their joy was like the brief moments of sunshine we’ve had in our otherwise cold, drab, and rainy week. We don’t need to turn on the lights. They are enough.”

Then this morning I added a Facebook comment to my memory from 2013:

The weather's the same today and so are they. Only difference is they're old enough to drive the bus.

What’s on my mind is how remarkable it is that they still light up my life after the various stages of development each of them has gone through these past nine years. Janet and I have enjoyed every stage of their still-young lives.

We still don’t need to turn on the lights when they come over. Their light is still enough. We are so blessed that they still want to spend time with us.

Answer no. 2 to What’s on your mind? Another thing on my mind is these two people, Graham Zale and Ford Schilz. Who are they, you wonder? US Ambassador to Argentina? Pitcher for the New York Yankees? President of IBM? Not yet. Not yet.

Graham Zale and Ford Schilz are both babies born to two of my nieces on the same day this year, April 2, 2022. I’m proud of my nieces and their husbands for giving their children, bold strong names that will serve them well into their 80s after they’ve made their mark in the world. And I’m so happy these boys held off their birth to April 2nd. Imagine the challenge they would have faced had they been born one day earlier. Yikes! They certainly dodged a bullet.

So here’s to you, Graham Damion Zale and Ford Wyatt Schilz. May you live strong, productive lives in keeping with your names. May your lives finish as well as they’ve started.

Third item on my What’s on your mind? list The next thing that's been on my mind is an email I received the other day from Billy, one of my missionary friends. He writes:

Good Morning, John and Janet!
I wanted to share this picture with you – it’s a picture of Will [their 7-year-old son] intently listening to episode #153 of You Were Made for This.

He and I both learned to have the ‘ORA’ of God’s character recognizing and fulfilling others’ needs. A message we needed to hear this morning. God Bless you both, we miss you.

The “ORA” Billy referred to is Observe-Reflect-Act, that model of relating we’ve been talking about in this podcast.

The photo Billy sent is the one at the top of the show notes for this episode. I talked to Billy about this later and he said his son was glued to the screen of their iPad for the full 10-11 minute length of the episode, listening to my voice speak about what some people in Poland and Romania are doing to care for refugees from Ukraine.

Photos tell a story The two photos I showed in the show notes for that episode apparently got his attention: the baby strollers at the train station in Poland and the colorful stuffed toy animals on that grey bridge at the Ukraine/Romania border. What a tender heart that little boy has, I thought, when I first saw the photo of him.

Billy’s email and photo of Will are still on my mind, making me think how sometimes we sell our children short. That they are capable of more than we give them credit for. Most 7-year-olds are not as sensitive as Will. But they are capable of being so. They can learn to reflect the character of God in their own unique way, just as their parents can. Parents can teach them by being examples themselves.

An encouraging email from a missionary parent I can also answer the what’s on your mind question by talking about an email I got from another listener to our podcast that is similar to the one I received from my friend Billy. It comes from a listener in Iowa who happens to be the parent of a missionary serving in eastern Europe. She writes:

Hi John,
I shared your podcast from last Wednesday with the wife of the man who leads our small group at The Mission Church. She leads a girls Bible study at a ministry in Des Moines called Freedom for Youth. It is a wonderful ministry (you can google it) to help kids succeed in life.

They have help for kids with school work, teach some trade skills and encourage kids of all ages. She enjoyed your podcast and is using some of the ideas with her girls tonight. Thought you might like to know.

I found this email encouraging on two levels. One is that this Iowa listener thought enough of the podcast to refer it to her friend with the kids’ ministry. And secondly, that her friend is using some of the things we talk about on the podcast with the girls she works with.

I so appreciate that some people recognize teaching children about relationship principles is important. Encouraging emails like these last two have been on my mind lately, and I am grateful for them.

Listening is a relational journey Something else on my mind I’ve been thinking about is a comment another listener shared with me recently. It was the day Episode 154 aired, “How to Listen Like a Hostage Negotiator.” In his email he writes,

John,

Thank you again so very much for these podcasts! Even though I don't often respond, I want to say that Karen and I listen regularly to these podcasts. They are such gentle, weekly reminders of one powerful truth that I know I need to be reminded of regularly... to LISTEN!

Our pastor said at Mia's funeral…

I need to stop here for a second. Mia is his granddaughter who was stillborn a few months ago. I talk about it in episode 148, “What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People,”

Back to my friend’s email. He continues,

Our pastor said at Mia's funeral that grief is not a problem to be solved, but a journey to be traveled.

That's what I think about listening... it is not a one-and-done practice to conquer... it is a journey to be traveled over a lifetime.

Thanks, John, for this weekly reminder of such a critical part of our relational journey with others!

I love that phrase, listening is not a one-and-done practice to conquer. It is a journey to be traveled over a lifetime. That thought has been on my mind lately because it gives hope to those of us who struggle with listening.

You can listen to a podcast while doing something else There are other things I’ve been thinking about and are on my mind, but I’ll end with just one more. It comes from a listener who emailed me with this thought after listening to a recent episode,

I listened this morning while folding laundry - always encouraging and your soothing voice is a great start to the day!

Well, that just made me smile picturing her folding laundry while listening to the podcast. That’s the wonderful thing about podcasts I’ve talked about before. You can be doing other things while you listen. Walk the dog, wait in line to pick your kids up from school, drive to work, wait in line at the grocery store, and… while you’re folding laundry. All things you can do while listening to a podcast.

If you’re doing brain surgery, however, save the podcast til later. Or watch one of those how-to YouTube videos instead.

So what does all this mean for YOU? Several things, first, what is on your mind? What have you been thinking about lately? What are the things keeping you up at night? Is there anything you wonder about? The challenges or stresses you are facing. The things you’re grateful for. What are you looking forward to?

Don’t dig into your psyche, instead consider top-of-mind issues. Then write them down. You just need to get your thoughts out of your head and onto a piece of paper.

In looking at my answers, I see a lot of positive things that have been on my mind. That’s often not the case, but when it is I feel blessed. I hope you’ll feel the same way when you give your answers to what’s on your mind?

Secondly, try asking people in your life, this same question and see what happens. Start conversations with it and see where it takes you. My hunch is what’s on your mind? will take you both deeper than just sharing about the events that have happened since you last talked.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode Asking people in a group, or individually, “what’s on your mind,” helps others go deeper than sharing news of the superficial events in our life.

I’d love to hear how this goes for you.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, enough to put into practice what you’ve just heard about asking people what’s on their mind.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for us. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little relational sunshine with the people you meet this week. Create some joy. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 153: Two Stories of How to Reflect the Character of God

148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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One of the pleasures of summer is taking time to relax with a good book that both entertains and informs. Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss does both. It’s a book that will raise your relational intelligence. You would do well to put it on your summer reading list. I review it in today’s episode.

Get ready for summer Some magazines and newspaper articles will soon be writing pieces about the top ten, or top five, books to put on your summer reading list. I’m not going to put out a list, but I do have a recommendation of one book that I’m pretty sure you will enjoy.

It’s a non-fiction book that reads like a novel. I found it to be well-written, entertaining, and something that taught me a few things to increase my relationship skills. I’m going to talk about the book in today’s episode because I think you’re going to find it helpful, too. So keep listening. You’re going to like this one.

Never Split the Difference - Negotiating as if your life depended on it [NOTE: As an Amazon Associate, Caring for Others, sponsor of this podcast, earns a small commission from qualifying purchases.]

The book I’m referring to and reviewing is in some ways a follow-up to episode 154 of this podcast, “How to Listen Like a Hostage Negotiator.”

The name of the book is Never Split the Difference, with the subtitle Negotiating as if your life depended on it. It’s by Chris Voss a former hostage negotiator with the FBI. Now at first glance, you might think a book about hostage negotiation as something not terribly interesting. Becoming a hostage negotiator may not be one of your five-year goals. You’re probably not going to suggest it as a career for your children.

This book is so much more than that. I first came across the book when I heard the author on a podcast I listened to. The stories he told from his experience in negotiating the release of hostages were fascinating. He got me hooked, so I read his book, Never Split the Difference. I recommend you put it on your summer reading list.

Amazon Reviews For this review, I looked on Amazon to see what others who read the book thought of it. At the time I checked, Never Split the Difference had over 23,000 reviews and was number 19 on Amazon's bestseller list. 94% of the ratings were either 4 or 5 stars.

The few negative reviews either complained about a printing problem with pages being cut off or blank pages. The other complaint was some readers thought the author was too egotistical and self-promoting. I get that and see a little of it more in the beginning of the book. I’m usually sensitive to this kind of thing, but frankly, it didn’t bother me in the least, especially as I got into the book and saw the compassion he had on occasion for people.

Other reviews said there were too many stories of negotiating sessions he was involved in and that the book doesn’t have much to offer for the rest of us. My perspective, however, is just the opposite. I actually loved the stories because they were well-written, first of all, and secondly, they all illustrated principles of human interaction.

The 94% who gave it a 4 or 5-star rating had good reason to do so. The rest of this review is my reasons for recommending you put the book on your summer reading list.

Who the book is for If you like stories of good guys going after bad guys you’ll like this book for that reason alone. You’ll also like it if you’re involved in sales or running a business, as I was for 25 years. There are many strategies the author used in hostage negotiation that are applicable in the business world.

If you’re a parent or interact with other people, you’ll find this book helpful. If you plan to ask your boss for a raise, you’ll find a few useful suggestions in the book. When you’re selling or buying stuff at a garage/rummage/yard sale this book will save you money.

Furthermore, and this is most interesting and another reason to put this book on your summer reading list. We have a number of missionaries who listen to this podcast, and if you’re one of them, especially if you serve in a part of the world where hostage-taking is not unusual you would do well to read Never Split the Difference.

The author was deeply involved in the negotiations to secure the release of New Tribes missionaries Martin and Gracia Burnham held hostage by a radical Islamist group in 2001. He comments at length on what went wrong and calls it the “biggest failure in my professional life.” He talks about it in the first few pages of Chapter 7. It’s a tragic story that didn’t have to end the way it did.

Finally, if you hate conflict, this book is a must-read. Especially the last chapter. There’s really good stuff here that you won’t find in most other books on dealing with conflict.

Structure of the book The paperback version I have is 258 pages in length, which includes a helpful appendix. A footnotes section and index follow. The table of contents lists ten chapters, with a brief phrase that describes each chapter.

One of the helpful things about how the book is structured is that except for the first one, each chapter ends with a section he calls “Key Lessons.” It reviews and summarizes the main points the author is trying to get across. I wouldn’t recommend reading only this section, as you’ll miss the stories the author uses to illustrate each of the key concepts. The book is an easy read for your summer reading list and it won’t take long to get through it.

The premise of the book The experiences the author shares in hostage negotiations are all interesting and engaging. And there’s a heavy dose of that. But more than this, I enjoyed and learned from how he related to people so very different from the kind of people you and I interact with. Reading the book will raise the relational intelligence level of most readers.

I’ve been a student of listening for many years and I learned principles and techniques of listening I have not come across anywhere else. In fact, if I were to teach a college course on listening, this book would be required reading in my syllabus. While I’m waiting for the teaching offers to pour in, I’m content for now to just recommend you put Never Split the Difference on your summer reading list.

Passages from the book that grabbed me I’ll start by sharing some passages from the book that grabbed me, because I think they will grab you, too.

One line from the book that I won’t soon forget is this question,

“How am I supposed to do that?”

You can use it when buying a car and the salesman wants you to pay more than you want to pay. I used it when I sold a car for my son when the buyer wanted to pay less than what my son wanted to sell it for. It worked!

Our daughter used the same line when she and her husband sold a house they had rehabbed. “How am I supposed to sell the house for X, when we’ve already put in Y thousands of dollars to fix it up?” It worked for them, too. The author goes into the psychology of why this one question is so effective. I won’t go into it here. It’s another reason to put Never Split the Difference on your summer reading list.

The author suggests several other questions in chapter 7 to ask that would be helpful for the parties involved in dealing with marital issues, parenting, and differences between friends, neighbors, and co-workers. I will list them in the show notes, but for now, here they are:

What about this is important to you?
How can I help make this better for us?
How would you like me to proceed?
What is it that brought us into this situation?
How can we solve this problem?
What is the objective?/What are we trying to accomplish here?

People who lie to us Following this, in chapter 8, author Chris Voss cites a Harvard University study showing that “on average, liars use more words than truth-tellers and far more third-person pronouns. They start talking about him, her, it. one, they, and their rather than I, in order to put some distance between themselves and the lie.”

Throughout the book, the author sprinkles in results of various research studies that show me he’s not just shooting from the hip in presenting his arguments.

“My name is Chris” Also in chapter 8 is an interesting relational technique I’m going to try sometime. The author writes:

“A few years ago I was in a bar in Kansas with a bunch of fellow FBI negotiators. The bar was packed, but I saw one empty chair. I moved toward it but just as I got ready to sit the guy next to it said, ‘Don’t even think about it.”

“Why? I asked, and he said, “Because I’ll kick your …. [I’ll stop and let you figure out what part of the anatomy the guy was going to kick].” Back to the author’s story.

“He was big, burly, and already drunk, but look, I’m a lifelong hostage negotiator - I gravitate toward tense situations that need mediation like a moth to the flame.

“I held out my hand to shake his and said, ‘My name is Chris.’

“The dude froze. and in the pause my fellow FBI guys moved in, patted him on the shoulders, and offered to buy him a drink. Turned out he was a Vietnam veteran at a particularly low point. He was in a packed bar where the entire world seemed to be celebrating. The only thing he could think of was to fight. But as soon as I became ‘Chris,’ everything changed.

I just love this story of how he diffused the guy’s anger, and how once he knew more of the man’s story he viewed him with compassion. It's another reason to put the book on your summer reading list. I’ve learned over the years that when I see an angry person, there’s usually a hurt, sad, or fearful person underneath the angry exterior.

The Chris discount The author goes on to tell another story right after the bar incident. He was in a shopping mall and picked out some shirts he wanted to buy. The checkout clerk asked him if he wanted to join their frequent buyer program.

“I asked her if I got a discount for joining and she said, ‘No.’

“So I decided to try another angle. I said in a friendly manner, ‘My name is Chris. What is the Chris discount?’

“She looked from the register, met my eyes, and gave a little laugh.

‘I’ll have to ask my manager, Kathy,’ she said and turned to the woman who’d been standing next to her.

“Kathy, who’d heard the whole exchange, said ‘The best I can do is ten percent.’

“Humanize yourself. Use your name to introduce yourself. Say it in a fun, friendly way. Let them enjoy the interaction, too. And get your own special price.” I love this guy’s approach. I wish this guy was a neighbor.

This second story Chris Voss shared certainly humanizes himself for me. It’s a great example of what I’ve been saying lately at the end of each episode, spread a little relational sunshine this week. Use a little humor. Lighten things up in our relationships. Make people smile every now and then.

Bargaining In chapter 9 he tells two stories of how what he learned in hostage negotiation that helped him buy a car that listed for $36,000. He got the dealership to sell it to him for $30,000. He also shared a story of one of his MBA students negotiating a rent decrease after it had just gone up.

The Author says this about negotiating that applies to any relationship, “It’s not how well you speak, but how well you listen that determines your success.”

For me, the most inspiring part of the book comes near the end, in chapter 10:

“Every engineer, every executive, every child - all of us want to believe we are capable of the extraordinary. As children, our daydreams feature ourselves as primary players in great moments: an actor winning an Oscar, an athlete hitting the game-winning shot. As we grow older, however, our parents, teachers, and friends talk more of what we can’t and shouldn’t do than what is possible. We begin to lose faith.

A map to joy “But when someone displays a passion for what we’ve always wanted and conveys a purposeful plan of how to get there, we allow our perceptions of what’s possible to change. We’re all hungry for a map to joy, and when someone is courageous enough to draw it for us, we naturally follow.”

What he says here so reminds me of a text I received a few months ago, completely out of the blue, from a former student of mine decades ago when I was a teacher. Geraldine has stayed in touch with Janet and me over the years and wrote the following:

Hi John! I hope this finds you and Janet happy and healthy! I just want to let you know how you inspired my life. I would not be a nurse without you. You told me so many years ago that I was smart enough to go to college. I have touched so many lives because of you. Thank you for that! Sincerely, Geraldine

This brought tears to my eyes. Without even knowing it I drew a “map to joy” for her so long ago. I bet many of you have done the same thing for others, too. It’s such a great privilege to do so.

Conflict Back to the author. He writes:

“If this book accomplishes only one thing, I hope it gets you over the fear of conflict and encourages you to navigate it with empathy. If you’re going to be great at anything - a great negotiator, a great manager, a great husband, a great wife - you’re going to have to do that. You’re going to have to ignore that little genie who’s telling you to give up, to just get along - as well as that other genie who’s telling you to lash out and yell.”

And finally, the last few lines near the end of the book read as follows:

“… I’m going to leave you with one request: Whether it’s in the office or around the family dinner table, don’t avoid honest, clear conflict. It will get you the best car price, the higher salary, and the largest donation. It will also save your marriage, your friendship, and your family.

“One can only be an exceptional negotiator, and a great person by both listening and speaking clearly and empathically; treating counterparts - and oneself - with dignity and respect; and most of all by being honest about what one wants and what one can - and cannot - do. Every negotiation, every conversation, every moment of life is a series of small conflicts, that managed well, can rise to creative beauty.

“Embrace them.”

So what does all this mean for YOU? Are you creating a map for joy for anyone? Has anyone done it for you? If so, thank them, even if it’s decades later, like Geraldine did for me.

Finally, and I hope this is obvious by now, put Never Split the Difference on your summer reading list. If you buy it from Amazon, please use the link I have at the bottom of the show notes. This will generate a very small commission for our missionary Care ministry, Caring for Others. The book won’t cost you any more.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode Reading Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss will raise your level of relational intelligence in an entertaining way. It will increase your relationship skills and bring more joy into your life.

Please let me know what you think about today’s episode. I’d love to hear from you.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to get the book Never Split the Difference and put into practice some of the things you heard today.

It will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

That’s about it for today. Be sure to check out the links at the bottom of the show notes. And remember to spread a little relational sunshine with the people you met this week. Oh, and don’t forget to ask for the “John discount.” That’s “John with an h.” Let me know how that works for you.

Until we meet up again next week, goodbye for now.

Related episodes/resources you may want to check out 154: How to Listen Like a Hostage Negotiator

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?-

Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss

NOTE: As an Amazon Associate, Caring for Others earns a small commission from qualifying purchases.

Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It

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As our world becomes more and more unstable, our only hope for peace and security comes from letting our roots grow deep down into Jesus. today’s episode describes what that looks like. Listen in.

Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like our world is getting more and more unhinged as the days and months go by. I lived through the ‘60s and early ’70s during the Vietnam War, a really unstable time in our history. This era saw the assassination of a US president, the slaying of a presidential candidate, and the murder of the greatest civil rights leader of our time. And to top it off, the leader of the free world was forced out of office because of a scandal he created. Pretty rocky times.

There followed a period of relative peace, but ever since the current decade started in 2020, things are becoming more and more unstable and are reminding me of those tumultuous years I lived through earlier in my life. And I don’t like it. I bet you don’t either.

How then are we to cope and live well during times like this? Today’s episode tries to answer this question.

I’ll begin with a story.

Bulbs that bloom in the spring Earlier this spring, our daughter sent me some paperwhite narcissus bulbs for my birthday. To grow them you place the bulbs in a shallow bowl of pebbles, propping them up as best you can with small stones, and then add water to the bowl. The roots on the bottom of the bulbs will draw from the water to grow. It’s that simple. When they are fully grown their tall spindly branches bloom fragile fragrant white blossoms. They’re beautiful.

I’ve grown paperwhites before so I knew what to do, but when I placed these particular bulbs in among the pebbles they were all wobbly and it took some effort to get them situated upright. When they looked as best as I could get them, I added water, set the planter aside, and forgot about them.

The wobbly state of the bulbs reminded me of that famous quote from Margaret Thatcher. It was August of 1990 when Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait and President George H. W. Bush, was considering how the US should respond.

Wisdom from the Margret Thatcher, the “Iron Lady” The former British Prime minister advised President Bush with this famous line,

“Remember George, this is no time to go wobbly.”

Back to my story about the paperwhites.

A few days later after adding water to the bowl of bulbs I went to check on them. I thought I might have to straighten them upright again. To my surprise, the bulbs had stabilized themselves and were perfectly straight. I tried to gently move one of them, but it was firmly positioned on top of the stones. It wouldn’t budge. I don’t know why I would have expected anything different because I’ve grown this type of bulb before.

If you’re not familiar with paperwhites you might wonder, how did they stabilize themselves? The answer is found in the roots. Once water was added to the bowl, just enough to cover the bottom of the bulbs, the tiny roots took over. They begin to seek out the water in the crevices between the pebbles in the bowl, and in doing so, the roots grow longer and longer. They wind themselves around the stones and go deeper into the water, all of which secures the bulb on top of the pebbles.

What was once wobbly becomes firm, stable, and sure. And the plant begins to grow straight and tall, becoming what it was designed to be. All because of the roots.

And just as the original wobbly nature of the bulbs when I first placed them in the bowl of pebbles reminded me of that Margaret Thatcher, “this is no time to go wobbly” quote, the roots reminded me of another quote. It’s from the Bible in the Book of Colossians, chapter 4:

God’s answer to our problem

And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.

Now that the paperwhites are growing, I look at them frequently. No blossoms yet as of this recording. But they will come. I’m actually more intrigued at the moment by the roots and the work they are doing to make the plants grow. They so remind me of what the Bible says about letting our own roots grow down into Jesus.

The roots of the paperwhites are largely unseen. They have to wind themselves around the significant obstacles of stones to find that which keeps them alive - water. So it is with our relationship with Jesus. The roots of our individual faith are not obvious to others. They are the internal beliefs, convictions, and values we hold that manifest themself in the face of formidable forces impacting our life.

How it works If we let the roots of our faith in Jesus grow down deep into him they will give us life and keep us stable in our increasingly unstable world. When the culture cancels us, when we lose our job, when we get a cancer diagnosis, our roots will keep us upright and stable.

When our church marginalizes us, when our spouse betrays us, our roots in Jesus, our deep roots, will keep us alive and even grow us.

A stock market decline and our kids getting in trouble will not upend us if we’ve let our roots go down deep into Jesus. When we see the atrocities of the war in Ukraine on our screens day after day, our roots in Jesus will guide us in responding to this evil.

When our car breaks down and we have no money to fix it our roots of faith and trust in Jesus will not send us off the edge.

As the unintended consequences of public policy related to Covid begin to rise to the surface, our roots sunk down into Jesus will help us respond to the fractures in our culture that are separating us from each other in destructive ways.

So what does all this mean for YOU? There’s certainly a lot to be wobbly about with all that’s going on in our world. Are you coping the best you can with your own resources? Or are you sinking your roots down into Jesus to depend upon Him for the peace, and stability we all desire?

When all manner of obstacles to our peace comes against us, it’s not the time to go wobbly.

Pay attention to our roots in Jesus. Trust them. Draw strength and wisdom from them. Nurture their deepening growth.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode It’s from Colossians 4:6-7, which I will quote again here

And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.

Let me know what you think about all this. I’d love to hear from you.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to think about how you can let your roots go down into Jesus. Doing this will draw you closer to God. It’s what you were made for. You were made for this!

And while you’re doing this, spread a little relational sunshine around this week. It will spark joy in you and the people you meet.

That’s it for today. I’ll see you again soon next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

111: How to Find Rest in Difficult Circumstances

058: How a Crisis Can Bring Out the Best in Us

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In thinking about how to find joy in difficult circumstances, we need to look no further than the joy found in a relationship in the midst of those circumstances. But it has to be the right relationship. Keep listening to learn how.

My mother the queen A few years ago, I had a conversation with our twin grandsons about Queen Elizabeth II of England being the longest-ruling monarch in British history. I mentioned that her son, Prince Charles, will become king when she dies. She’s been on the throne for over 70 years, and he just turned 96 last week.

The boys wanted to know how old Charles is, so when I told them he is just a few months older than me they responded with, “WHOA! That’s not right. The queen should resign and give Charles a chance. It should be his turn now. He’s waited way too long to become king!“

I see in Prince Charles a person who represents a lot of us who have aspirations for our lives that are blocked by circumstances beyond our control. How we respond in situations like this will determine how much joy we’ll experience in life. It’s an important topic and the subject of today’s episode, how to find joy no matter what.

Obstacles out of our control Some of us can identify with Prince Charles when we’ve been blocked from getting a job we want because someone else has that position and isn’t moving on anytime soon. I saw that all the time during my time running an executive reciting firm. It was a common reason for people to leave one company to join another where their advancement potential was unhindered.

Sometimes though, people wanted to leave a job they didn’t care for, but couldn’t. There may not have been openings with other companies that would pay them what they were currently earning. They may have needed the insurance their current employer offered that others didn’t. It was easy to feel trapped in situations like these. To find joy in circumstances like these is a challenge, for sure.

And it’s not just in job situations where it’s hard to find joy when we don’t have what we want. There are many other things out of our control that can keep us from our achieving our goals and dreams. I don’t need to give you examples. You know what I’m talking about.

So what do we do about it?

How to cope with difficult circumstances Some people choose to live as victims. Others live a life of resignation devoid of joy. Still others scratch and crawl around the edges of reality trying to change the unchangeable.

But then there are others who actually find joy in the difficult circumstances they find themselves in. How do they do it?

Here’s how: They follow the example of the apostle Paul which we find in his letter to the Philippines, chapter 4. Here’s what he wrote:

“… for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.”

The last part of this verse is so often misapplied as a motivational pep talk to achieve ambitious goals of one kind or another. It’s viewed sometimes as the “American Dream” verse that if we work hard enough we can achieve just about anything. But that’s not the context of this passage.

A new perspective on old circumstances The context is being strengthened by Jesus to live with contentment in the midst of current difficult circumstances. It’s not about changing those circumstances by trying harder and better.

In this passage, I like how Paul describes this important principle as a “secret.” It’s not something he is trying to hide from anyone. It’s just that the secret is found in his relationship with Jesus Christ. And not everyone is interested in Jesus. He’s the last place some people would look to find joy in difficult situations.

But Jesus is where Paul gets his strength to be content in whatever circumstance he is in, and this is where he finds joy. And where we can find it too.

In challenging circumstances, we often overlook the power of relationships as a source of joy. Here’s an example from my recruiting days.

Relationships make bad things better I had recruited a high-quality computer guy for a client of mine. I’ll call him Joe, I don’t recall his actual name, but for the purpose of my story, I’ll call him Joe. Joe is my brother’s name.

Anyway, in vetting Joe for my client’s opening, I grilled him about what why he would consider leaving his current employer. He gave me all kinds of reasons why he didn’t find joy in his job.

As I did with every candidate, I asked what an ideal job would look like for him. Based on what Joe desired in a new job, and his reasons for wanting to leave his current position, I thought he was a good match for my client’s opening. So I arranged an interview for Joe. The company thought he was a good fit and better than other candidates they interviewed, so they made him an attractive job offer.

I presented the offer to Joe, and he was really pleased. I don’t recall all the details, but he was happy to get the offer because he was so dissatisfied with his current position and its lack of advancement potential. It reminds me of Prince Charles who is prevented from advancing to become King of England anytime soon because of the longevity of his mother, Queen Elizabeth.

A surprising outcome Joe took a couple of days to consider the job offer from my client, but to my surprise, he turned the offer down. I couldn’t believe it.

“Joe,” I said. “I can’t believe you’re turning this offer down. It has just about everything you said you want in a new job. It’s a lot more money and a lot more responsibility that you were looking for. It gives you things you don’t have now from your company. I don’t get it. Why are you turning it down?”

“I know, I know. You’re right,” Joe said. “Everything you said is true. It is a really good offer and opportunity.”

“But the thing is, softball season is going to be starting pretty soon, and I love playing on our company’s team. I’m pretty close with my buddies on the team, and I’d hate to give that up. It’s really important to me.”

So Joe decided to stay at a job he didn’t like, that had little or no advancement possibilities, because….relationships with his pals on the softball team brought him joy. These relationships made up for his negative feelings about his job, boss, and company.

So what does all this mean for YOU? Now, your job or career may be going along just fine. And maybe all the stars and planets are in perfect alignment and you’re living a pretty stress-free life at the moment.

But there will come a time when you will face difficult circumstances. So what do you do then? By all means, do what any reasonable person would do to change their circumstances. You have agency in many areas of life. Don’t live as a victim. Take control where you have control.

Face the fact though, that there will be situations in life where you have no control. You can expend a lot of physical and emotional energy trying to change circumstances that in all likelihood will never improve. Instead of working hard to change your circumstances, a better approach is to see if you can find a measure of joy in them.

In the story I just mentioned, Joe found joy in his relationships with the guys on his company’s softball team. It made his unsatisfying job tolerable.

For the rest of us, we can apply the same principle to challenging circumstances we face. Where things important to us are missing. Where there are things beyond our control. Look for joy in these situations, and look for them in a relationship. A relationship that offers much more than a relationship with people. A relationship with Jesus Christ. Where like the Apostle Paul, we can be content in any circumstance we find ourselves in because Jesus gives us the strength to experience contentment.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

No matter what our circumstances are, no matter how good or bad they are, we can find joy and contentment in them because of our relationship with Jesus Christ who gives us the strength and power to do so.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to
reflect on your circumstances and the joy - or lack thereof - you find in them.

Where joy abounds be ever so grateful to God. Where joy is lacking, ask him to help you find it in unexpected places. It’s what you were made for. You were made for this!

That’s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little relational sunshine with the people who cross your path this week. Until we meet up again next week, goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 023: Reminding Each Other of Our Own Stories
059: The Last Place You Would Ever Think to Find Joy
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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Learning how to listen well is a valuable relational skill. It’s an important tool we all need to understand others and to impact their lives for good. Listen in to today’s episode where listening well is a matter of life and death.

You would think an article about what a hostage negotiator does would focus on what they say to hostage-takers to get them to release the people they’ve captured. I was surprised to learn in an article I read that succeeding as a hostage negotiator begins with learning how to listen.

Today’s episode is about helpful ideas we can adopt from this unlikely career to improve our listening skills and deepen our relationships. You’re going to like this one, so keep listening.

“A Hostage Negotiator’s Lesson in Listening” The article I mentioned appeared in The Wall Street Journal several years ago, entitled “A Hostage Negotiator’s Lesson in Listening” written by Massada Siegel. It’s a short piece that I’ll share with you, interjecting a few of my own thoughts.

Siegel begins:

“Is listening a lost art? On TV news and talk shows, everyone seems to be interrupting one another. Likewise in the political arena. Listening is especially rare on social media, where people are eager to talk and loath to hear other points of view.

“So recently I challenged myself to talk less and instead to actively listen, ask more questions, and think about the responses. In particular, everywhere I went I asked people if they feel listened to and if they listen to others.

“At a media conference, one lady told me sometimes she gets nervous around new people, so she thinks about what she will say as she listens so that she can be part of the conversation. Another said that she wished people would listen and not respond with a solution, because sometimes she’s only looking for a sounding board.”

Let me comment on this for a moment.

A better way to fit into a conversation I can understand wanting to be part of the conversation. But I think there’s a better way than looking like you’re listening, when you’re actually just rehearsing in your mind what you’re going to say when you get a chance to talk.

To be “part of the conversation” reminds me of the title of that wonderful book by Cal Newport, So Good They Can’t Ignore You. The subtitle is Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for Work You Love. It’s a book every high school graduate or college student should read. The premise of his book is that passion for any area of life doesn’t mean much. To be successful in life you need to have skills that are so good, that people can’t ignore you.

I bet that would work in being “part of the conversation.” To be a conversationalist so good they can’t ignore you would mean instead of working to get your voice heard, you would focus on getting other people talking. It would mean saying things like, “Jake, that’s interesting. Renee, what do you think about what he said?”

And there’s the person who said she doesn’t want to hear solutions to what she’s talking about, she just wants a sounding board. I think someone should write a book about verbal processors like this. I have sympathy for people like that.

People who solve their own problems when they slide their thoughts out of their head, onto their tongue, and out into the air where they can hear them. They’ll come to their own conclusions when they’re able to verbalize them.

But I don’t have any sympathy for self-centered people who want to hold court to be the center of attention. Though it’s hard to tell the difference sometimes

Self-described poor listeners Back to the article.

“One evening at a restaurant, I struck up a conversation with a couple and asked their opinion. They both said they weren’t good listeners and frequently interrupt people because they want to participate in conversations. ‘I talk a lot because I’m insecure and want people to like me,’ the husband acknowledged. ‘Ironically, I’m reading lots of leadership books, which all say if you want people to like you, you need to be a better listener.’”

Let me stop again.

I like the admission of the husband who says he talks too much because he’s insecure. Both people readily admit they are poor listeners. Yet they don’t appear to have any remorse or willingness to change. Do they perceive listening to be too hard?

A few years ago I was giving a talk at a break-out session on how to listen better to each other. The talk was part of a larger conference with a big-name plenary speaker. If I told you who he was everyone listening to this episode would recognize the name.

To my surprise, this well-known speaker headlining the conference sat in on my little break-out session, sitting at the back of the room. After I finished my talk he came up to me to say he enjoyed the session, and then said, “I’ve been told I’m not a very good listener.” He said it with a smile on his face as if to laugh it off as something not all that important. He’s a great speaker and has had a stellar career leading several large Christian organizations. But I wonder what it would be like to work for him, this self-admitted poor listener.

Learn from a hostage negotiator Well, back to Spiegel’s article on how to listen like a hostage negotiator.

“Glenn Cohen, who recently retired as chief psychologist and hostage negotiator for the Israel Defense Forces, told me that listening can mean life or death in his line of work. There are five steps to negotiating a hostage’s release, he said: the first is listening to the terrorist.

“The biggest mistake to make is to jump to the last step, which is behavioral change,” he said. “In a volatile situation where someone’s life is on the line, there can be no shortcuts. You must listen, as the hostage-taker is all charged up, emotionally and physically.”

I’ll stop here again and add that often when we listen to those going through difficulties, we too are looking for a behavioral change in the other person.

“Stop what you’re doing or thinking and do what I’m suggesting,” is often how it goes. It’s usually well-meaning, but advice not asked for can be interpreted as criticism. It can be seen as setting up a power dynamic, “I know more than you.”

Back to the article.

“‘The hostage-taker has his goal, so you must hear him out and understand want he wants to accomplish,’ Mr. Cohen said. ‘As a negotiator, you are looking for a win-win situation, and a hostage-taker needs an opportunity to vent and let off steam, as their adrenaline is pumping as they are in the moment. Unless they unload their demands, they don’t have the capacity to hear and consider behavior change.”

Listening is an influential skill The author concludes with:

“Listening is an influential skill. The more you give others space to talk, the better you understand them and the more willing they are to listen themselves.”

In our own conversations with people, it's helpful to think of the person we’re talking to as having a goal. We often are too concerned with our own goal, like the person mentioned earlier whose goal was to fit into the conversation.

I so appreciate Seigel’s comment that “listening is an influential skill.” What a great way to influence people, by listening to them. When we make the effort to learn how to listen we bring out the best in others, and in ourselves. And like any skill, it takes practice.

It’s never too late to start perfecting how we listen to people. You can start today.

So what does all this mean for YOU, and for me? I wonder about the people in your life, and in mine, who while they are not hostage-takers, still would like to have a voice, to be heard. I think of the quiet people in our life who are shy and never say much. You know they’ll never take any hostages, but you wonder what they’re thinking about. Why don’t they ever say much? Why are they so quiet?

Maybe their personality has been shaped this way because they don’t feel safe with people. They may not trust others. Or maybe they feel people don’t care what they’re thinking, that they don’t have a voice. It’s possible when they’re with lots of talkers, and they can’t get a word in edge-wise, they just give up. Or in gatherings where the topic of conversation changes faster than a ping pong ball in an Olympic table tennis match, they think “what’s the use?”

My guess is that if we learned how to listen to people like this there would be fewer of them.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Learning how to listen well is a valuable relational skill. It’s an important tool we need to understand others and to impact their lives for good. No one is born a good listener. It’s something we can learn to deepen our relationships with people.

As always, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to reflect on how you could find more joy in your relationships by learning how to listen better to the important people in your life. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

That’s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little relational sunshine with your relationships this week. I’ll see you again next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to: 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

065: End With Asking This Important Question

064: Start with this Important Question to Ask

063: Six Reason Why We’re not More Curious About People

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We don’t need to ask hurting people “what can I do to help?” There’s another way to help that takes the pressure off us and the person we care about. It's to reflect the character of God in caring for others. Today’s episode gives two examples of this important principle we can use in our relationships. Keep reading to learn more.

A picture is worth a thousand words. I saw two news photos recently about the invasion of Ukraine that gave me hope in the midst of this awful tragedy. You’ve heard it said that a picture is worth a thousand words. I’m not counting, but here are my words about these two pictures that touched my heart for the compassion and kindness they depicted. They also illustrate the relationship principle I talked about in last week’s episode, no. 152. I’ll explain that in a minute, but I’ll start with the photos.

Baby strollers left for the taking The first photo is of a train station where Ukrainian refugees fleeing the Russian invasion of their country first arrive in Poland. On the platform where people get off the train, some unknown women placed empty baby strollers for the newly arriving mothers to take for their children.

I think it’s safe to say this was a spontaneous response on the part of these women to act upon what they first observed. They saw the news of millions of Ukrainians fleeing their country. I’m recording this near the end of March 2022 and the latest figures I saw were about 10 million people in Ukraine have fled their homes. They are mostly women and children; the men are staying back to fight in the war. The UN estimates 50,000 Ukrainians are entering Poland every day.

I also think it’s safe to say these Polish women reflected upon what this means for their Ukrainian counterparts. They’re imagining what life must be like for them. To leave behind their husbands, brothers, fathers, and even grandfathers to fight the invading forces, not knowing if they will ever see their loved ones again. They see the photos you and I see of apartment buildings bombed and reduced to rubble. If the war were to end today, what could they possibly return to other than smashed slabs of concrete, piled one on top of the other where their homes used to be?

No one asked, “What can I do to help?” No one asked these refugees getting off the train, “How can I help you?” I doubt if a committee was formed to design a care program with a catchy name and a clever acronym to assist these refugees. Instead, they put the ORA principle into practice. They Observed - Reflected - Acted.

The baby strollers the Poles provide seemed in pretty good shape and I wonder if they were recently purchased. Giving away strollers, whether their own possessions or newly purchased, was a sacrifice. But a loss so minor in comparison to what the refugees were giving up.

If you look closely at the photo, you’ll notice the baby strollers on the train platform are pointing in different directions, with no sense of order. Just like their lives that changed on February 24, 2022, when Russia invaded their homeland.

For the Ukrainian mothers, these baby strollers send a silent but powerful message to them that there are good people here in Poland. “They get me. They understand. In their nation’s history they have been invaded by Russia, too. Maybe I’ll be able to make it in this new country after all. At least my children and I are alive and with me. And there are some people doing what they can to care for us.“

A welcoming bridge The second photo is of a gray wooden bridge near the crossing from Ukraine into Romania. It’s the photo you see at the top of the show notes for this episode. I’ll also have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes.

I’m struck by the contrast in colors in the photo. The sky is gray. The bridge is gray. But someone has placed bright, colorful stuffed toy animals on the side of the bridge.

The Romanians observed the same photos of war as the Polish women and the rest of us see. They also reflected upon the meaning of it all and the impact on mothers and their children leaving their homeland in Ukraine.

They imagined what it must be like to be them with frightened children under tow. The kids had to leave their prized possessions behind, but greeting them on the side of the bridge are colorful stuffed toy animals. Maybe this could be the start to a good beginning.

This gesture sent a message to the arriving Ukrainians, “These Romanians must be good people to provide these stuffed animals. They’re showing concern for my children. They understand kids because they must have children of their own. Maybe, just maybe, we’re going to be okay here after all.” The refugees saw the Romanians reflect the character of God.

So what does all this mean for YOU and me? You and I won’t be expecting Ukrainian refugees at our doorstep anytime soon. But there is a relationship lesson we can learn from the Poles and Romanians.

It’s about the relationship principle of asking a better question than “what can I do to help?” It is to think about what you could do to best reflect the character of God in helping someone. And then do it.

It is about taking our eyes off ourselves for a few minutes and putting ourselves in the place of hurting people who are scared and dealing with a life-changing loss of one kind or another. We don’t have to look to fleeing refugees from Ukraine to find people like this. They’re all around us.

We can follow the example of the Poles and Romanians How about the friend who had to put their dog to sleep? The neighbor who just lost his job. The woman you work with whose mother no longer recognizes her because of Alzheimer's Disease. The lady in your church whose husband left her after decades of marriage.

We can’t make up for these losses. But we can reflect the character of God. That part of God's character that hates injustice and evil. The part that’s kind and compassionate. The part that’s gentle. We can be like that for people.

The Polish women reflected the character of Jesus with baby strollers they gave away. The Romanians reflected the character of Jesus with the colorful stuffed toy animals they offered up on that cold gray bridge.

How you and I reflect the character of God will be entirely different. It will be unique to you and me. What a privilege we have in doing this, whether it’s giving away baby strollers or colorful toy animals, or something else.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Since we are created in the image and likeness of God, when people are in need ask the Holy Spirit what you can do to best reflect the character of God to them. And then do what he tells you.

As always, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act that’s consistent with how God made each of us in his image. Because when we reflect his image well, we will feel the joy of being and doing what you and I were made for. You Were Made for This.

That’s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships this week as you reflect the image and character of God. Until we meet up again next week, goodbye for now.

Related resources Past Episodes of You Were Made for This

149: What Do I Say to Them?
148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
088: Get Them to say “Thank You for Asking”

The baby stroller photo

Photo of the Ukraine/Romania bridge

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When you want to help others, instead of asking “how can I help?”, a better thing to do is offer a specific solution instead. It will lift a burden for those who don’t yet know what they need. Listen to an example in today’s show.

Many people are going through a rough time The other day I received an email from Connie, a newer listener to this podcast. Her subject line read, “Not only am I enjoying them.” She continued with

I pass them on to others, many going through tough times in their lives. Health issues, loss of loved ones, isolation, and loneliness.

It has been harder for many to adapt to these past two years and your talks are positive, gentle, and encouraging with a welcoming voice. Relationship building is huge and your podcasts shine a light on any weakness and how one can do better! I am listening, so keep them coming.

This one’s for you, Connie In recent episodes I’ve been talking about how we can help people like those Connie describes, people dealing with health issues, loss of loved ones, isolation, and loneliness. We often don’t know what to do or say to people like this. Often we’ll say things like “Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” I know I’ve said this a number of times.

The problem with this well-meaning offer of help is that many times people don’t know what they need. Or they are overwhelmed with whatever they’re dealing with. So when you ask, “what can I do to help? “ You’ve just created a job for them. You’ve given them a task, namely, to think about what they need and then contact you to meet that need. In times of stress that can be daunting for people.

A better thing to do I’ll give you an example of a different approach that I saw in my wife Janet the other day. One morning after reading a passage of scripture about doing good for people, the Holy Spirit prompted her to say to me, “I think we should get together with Linda.”

This was soon after Linda (which isn’t her real name. I changed it for privacy reasons) had initiated contact with us to tell us about her 40-something daughter’s serious health condition. We knew this turn of events was deeply disturbing to Linda, and while many people were there to support her daughter, we wondered if Linda was getting the emotional support she needed.

So Janet contacted her and made arrangements for us to pick her up and take her out to dinner. Being the classy people we are, we took her to a grocery store and chose from the limited menu that went with their limited seating.

Everyone has a story As we talked for some time, and heard what was on Linda’s heart she mentioned, “Everyone has a story. For now, I’m going back to the large church I was attending because some of the people still there know my story. I need to be with people who know my story.” We know Linda’s story, too. She’s a rather private person and to know her story is a great privilege.

During the course of our conversation, Janet asked Linda how the Meal Train program was going for the family. This is where people volunteer online to prepare and deliver meals at designated times for a family. Linda said it was very helpful because when you’re dealing with a health crisis in the household, the last thing you want to think about is preparing meals.

But then Linda mentioned her son-in-law was going through a lot of organic fruits and vegetables he runs through their juicer for the liquid diet his wife is on. She said it was getting expensive.

Listen well and you’ll discover specific needs Janet then asked Linda, if they needed money for these fruits and vegetables. Linda said, “yes.”

It was a specific need Janet asked about, which is a better way of asking to help others than “how can I help?”

Without giving it a second thought, Janet reached into her purse and pulled out all of the $30 she had with her and gave it to Linda. It was a minor miracle Janet even had $30 at all, as she rarely carries any cash.

“Here give this to your son-in-law to feed the juicer,” she said. While having the cash on hand was a miracle, giving it away was not. It’s Janet’s m.o. She’s been generous like this since I first met her in her father’s garage when we were 13.

We talked about this afterward and remarked how it seemed easier to get the money to its intended recipient through an intermediary like Linda. It was less awkward than giving the money directly to Linda’s son-in-law.

A deja vu moment On the way home after our time with Linda, I had a flashback to a similar situation that happened a long time ago. We were in the early days of our missionary care ministry and trying to raise support. We happened to be in Greenville, SC visiting our daughter where she had recently moved.

During our time there Jennifer arranged for us to meet a pastor who was the brother of one her good friends. So we got together with Kerry and his wife Cynthia for breakfast at Mimi’s Cafe. They told us part of their story, and we shared part of ours, this new venture we were on starting a missionary care ministry.

As we were getting ready to leave, Cynthia reached into her purse, and pulled out what I recall to be $30 and said, “Here, take this. I want you to use it for your ministry. It’s all I have right now.” We were shocked at her kindness and generosity. I hadn’t thought about this event in many years, but the picture of it rose to the surface in seeing Janet do the same thing with Linda.

Months later we learned that Kerry’s position at the church was eliminated. He eventually became an Anglican priest and pastored a church in Cairo, Egypt for a few years. Kerry and Cynthia now lead a church in Amsterdam.

So Cynthia, if you’re listening, your legacy of generosity lives on!

The day after Back to our story about Linda. The next day after our dinner at the grocery store, Linda sent Janet and me this text:

Thank you so much for last night.
Thank you for picking me up.
Thank you for loving me so tenderly in Christ.
Thank you for letting the tears flow.
Thank you for making me laugh.
Such loving friends like you, along with tears and laughter, are so good for the soul.

Knowing that you’re here means more to me than you’ll ever know. You are diamonds in the treasure box of friendship.

So what does all this mean for YOU? Here are a few random thoughts I hope you walk away with:

Every now and then it’s a good idea to put yourself in other people’s shoes and to think “What might it be like to be them right now?”
Be open to hearing from the Holy Spirit to help you to help others
Instead of asking how you could help someone, take a guess and ask a closed-ended question, Would you like me to do X? Would you like me to do Y?
To help others, observe what other people are doing to care for people, and then do something different.
Don’t let people go through hard times alone. Remember the quote for the movie The Soloist: “All he wants from you is to show up.”
In whatever you do always reflect the image and character of God
Think of how you’ve been blessed in the past, and pay it forward by doing the same thing for others
As always,listen. Both with your ears, and your eyes

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Instead of asking a friend in need what you can do to help, a better thing to do to help others is to ask a closed-end question like, “Would you like me to ______?” The more specific a solution you suggest, the better. It lifts a burden from their shoulders and puts it on yours.

As always, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing That’s it for today. In the meantime, bring a measure of joy into the lives of others this week by spreading a little relational sunshine around you. Until we meet up again next time, goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 149: What Do I Say to Them?

148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills. If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

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As a person of faith, we can help and comfort people best when we embrace and share the principle that hope is a noun more than a verb.

An important relationship principle in today’s show We talked in episodes 148 and 149 about what to say and not to say when our friends are going through a hard time in their life. I’ll have links to those episodes in the show notes. Today’s episode is about another important principle to remember in helping our friends who are dealing with difficulties in their life. Keep listening. It will help you, too.

An unspeakable tragedy In episode 148 I mentioned the missionary who told Janet and me that the baby born to his son and daughter-in-law that morning was stillborn. A healthy heart suddenly stopped beating before birth. The doctors don’t know why. The whole family was in a state of shock and just devastated. The baby was to be our friend’s first grandchild.

We viewed the funeral service online from hundreds of miles away. It was hard to watch. All that heartache seeping out of the baby’s father who spoke of the overwhelmingly painful loss he and his wife had just suffered.

A week or so later our missionary friend’s wife texted to say “these have been very hard days, some almost unbearable, but we are clinging to Jesus with everything we’ve got.” She followed this up with another text where she wrote,

Wisdom from a blog post I spent some time on a website called “Hope Mommies,” a ministry that focuses on moms who have lost babies/children. One of the blogs shared this:

“Friends sent puzzles and coloring books. Those things were all nice, but they didn't actually fill the time. Your mind is still free to think while completing a puzzle or coloring a picture. I wanted something to occupy my mind so time would pass. In these moments, the comment "time heals all wounds" was not helpful. It felt like time was not moving; it felt like I would never experience healing. The excruciating minutes would linger and linger. If time was my only hope, that felt cruel.

“But thankfully time isn't where our hope lies. Our hope is in Christ Jesus. He met us in our pain and presented us with true peace, that transcends understanding (Philippians 4:7). It is not by the passage of time, but "by His wounds we are healed" (1 Peter 2). We don't have to wait. Even in the midst of our suffering, He offers us hope.

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

Hope is a noun more than a verb This blog post reminded me of a stark difference between people of faith and those who choose to make no room for God in their life. For people of faith, Hope is a noun. For everyone else, Hope is a verb.

People of faith understand that for us, hope is found in the person of Jesus Christ. He’s an anchor that’s rock solid. He’s something and someone that never changes. Jesus is a certainty. He’s a person we can cling to “with everything we’ve got” as my missionary friend put it. Hope as a noun get’s us through our present difficulties. While Jesus hope awaits us in the future, it’s a source of strength to get us through our present difficulties

For everyone else, hope is uncertain, with no guarantees. It varies from person to person. Hope as a verb is inconsistent, subjective, and elusive. It’s about the future, with no help for the present. But for people of faith, hope is a noun more than a verb.

In my book THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others, I touch upon the questions people have about why God allows bad things to happen to good people. Here’s a brief excerpt:

The goodness of God I don’t have an answer for these questions. All I know is that God is good, and I cling to this. It is my anchor. It is what gives me hope and what keeps me from going crazy. He is good when life is going well, and He is just as good when everything is not. The goodness of God is not defined or explained by the circumstances in which I find myself.

I also know that even if the worst happens to me here on earth, God will comfort me; He will be compassionate with me. He is the God of all comfort and the father of compassion. We can count on this for sure. Even if the worst happens, God can use it to draw us closer to Himself—if we let Him. He can use it to strengthen us. He may very well make us better people for it. Even if the worst happens, God can use what we go through for greater purposes and reasons than we can ever imagine.
(pages 116-1170

So what does all this mean for YOU? For a person of faith, how we view Jesus is where the rubber hits the road in dealing with all that life throws at us. Do we know Jesus well enough to view him as an anchor, someone we can cling to when our world begins to unravel?

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode As a person of faith, we can help and comfort people when we embrace and share the principle with others that for us, Hope is a noun more than a verb. And it can be the same for them, too.

Closing As always, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act upon the great news of the Gospel that Jesus is our hope. Our only hope. Our relationship with him is the most important one we have It is one we were made for.

That’s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships this week. Until we meet up again next time, goodbye for now.

Related resources you may want to check out

149: What Do I Say to Them?
148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

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Joy multiplies itself when we rejoice over what others have that we don’t. It comes to us when the joy we see in others is enough to fill us. Today’s episode shows how it’s done with three beautiful grandparent memories shared by two listeners.

Grandparents impact us long after they are gone If you’ve been listening to this podcast for any length of time you’ll know it’s all about relationships. It’s about finding the joy God intends for us in our relationships. It is the “this” you were made for in You Were Made for This.

As an example, for many of us our relationship with our grandparents left a lasting impact on our lives long after they passed away. So I recently asked listeners like you to describe memories of your grandparents. I shared several of these in episode 147: Memories Our Grandparents Make. I’ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes.

A few more grandparent memories have come in that I thought you’d like to hear today. I see joy in each one of them. I’ll comment at the end of them with a few thoughts of my own that may surprise you. Here’s the first one from a listener who starts by identifying herself as “The woman from Minnesota again…” Yes, it’s Marilyn from Minnesota, who always has something interesting to say. Today is no exception. She writes:

A listener responds with a grandparent memory “When I was in about fifth grade, our family made our trek from the U.P. to Indiana to visit my mother's parents. I adored them, but was only able to see them once a year or less. Interesting how those few days a year made a huge impact on my life.

“One evening, after my grandparents had gone to bed, I happened to be passing by their room. The door was ajar by a couple of inches so I could easily hear what they were saying. They actually were not talking to one another. They were talking to God. I paused by the door to listen to their entire prayer time. It became quite clear to me that this was their habit each evening after turning off the lights and settling in bed.

“They were praying for each of their five children and each of their many grandchildren. Their specific names were mentioned and specific prayer requests were given. Of course, I waited expectantly to be sure I was included. Sure enough, I was. Those few minutes were a treasure I have never forgotten. And they never knew I eavesdropped on their private three-way conversation. It's all part of my treasured heritage.”

Isn’t that a great story? I see joy in it, don't you? She concludes with a brief story about being a grandparent herself.

Before our grandkids move away “A few weeks ago, on our local Christian radio station, they mentioned a woman who traced each of her grandchildren's hands in a notebook. When she would pray for them, she would place her hand over that traced hand. A special ‘touch.’

“Four of my grandchildren are moving a far distance from me. Before they leave, I'm planning on tracing their hands in my prayer notebook.”

Memories of music and making bread Then I heard from Dorcas, a missionary now living in Virginia. I see joy in her grandparent stories, too. She begins,

“Once again I enjoyed your podcast today…and it brought back really sweet memories of my grandparents. You’re right – it was the simple things that we remember, but they made them - and our time with them so very special!

“My paternal grandpa taught me hymns and ballads while sitting on the front porch of their home, rocking in the porch swing. ‘Ole Dan Tucker’ was my favorite and then Johnny Appleseed (“The Lord is Good to Me”.) My paternal grandmother was the best bread maker around. She baked all the bread for the local hospitals, and I still remember having hot buns and fresh blackberries and crème for breakfast….nothing better! I love to make bread to this day.

“Then my sweet Scottish, shy maternal grandmother was so special. The mother of 12 kids, and not afraid of work at all. She taught me how to see the rain coming through the mountains and would say ‘go get a blanket and then grab the songbooks and join me on the front porch.’

Snuggling and singing with Grandma “There we would sit on her porch swing, wrapped up in the blanket, snuggled together and her teaching me old southern gospel songs and hymns. I loved it. And she made me love rain, songbooks, and time to swing during summer rains. I can still hear her voice in my memory and have loved porch swings ever since.

“I guess those porch swings were the center of community back then and I am grateful for the love of God, family, and songs they gave me. Hospitality happened so naturally for them all – they just shared what they had! I can’t wait to meet my other grandpa in Heaven someday.”

My reaction to these grandparent stories I love the memories shared by “that Minnesota woman again.” What a tender and beautiful picture of eavesdropping on her grandparents as they prayed for each of their children and grandchildren individually, and specifically for her. What a touching picture of love poured out for one’s family. And to do it privately when you think the kids aren’t watching. But as you know, the kids are always watching, even when you think they aren’t.

And then there’s that story of tracing her grandchildren’s hand in her prayer book that she will touch as she prays for them when they move far away from her. Doesn’t that grip your heart? It does mine.

Our missionary friend Dorcas listening in Virginia also shares some great memories her grandparents created for her. I don’t know about you, but I can just smell the bread her grandmother baked. And I can feel the warmth of her other grandmother snuggled with her granddaughter on the front porch, singing during the summer rain.

The surprising thing for me in these stories is I can’t relate at all to the grandparents described here. My grandparents weren’t anything at all like Marilyn’s or Dorcas. Where they anything like yours? Do you see joy in the stories of your grandparents?

Yet the joy I see in what Dorcas and Marilyn experienced brings me joy now.

My grandparent memories I only saw my maternal grandparents twice in my life.

They lived on a farm in northern Minnesota, far from where I grew up in southeastern Wisconsin. I only saw them the two times we visited them. Once when I was about 10 or 11, and the other right before I started college when I was 18.

I don’t recall them interacting with me at all during those brief visits.

My dad’s father died decades before I was born. His mother lived with us when I was quite young. I only remember tension in our house during those years, as she and my mother didn’t get along.

I do have fond memories of my grandmother when I was a teenager. For several summers I spent a week with her in her simple low-income flat in an aging neighborhood in the city, not far from the suburban home of my parents.

A summer memory with my grandmother I remember one summer painting her flat. She was fascinated with the fact I could paint her ceiling without a ladder. I was tall, and her ceiling was short, just like her. In her broken English, and with her hands to the side of her face, she would exclaim, “Janez, Janez,” marveling at my handiwork. My brother Joe still calls me Janez. And he’s “Yo - Szha” to me.

My grandmother was always kind to me and gave me stamps off the letters she received from her friends in Slovenia - the country she immigrated from when she was just 18. I always felt she loved me.

But that’s about it when it comes to my grandparent memories. There was a time earlier in my life when I would have been jealous of grandparent memories like Marilyn and Dorcas shared. “Must be nice” would have been my theme song (by the way I talk about the harmful “must be nice” phrase back in episode 005: The Gift of Joy - Part 1)

Connecting with the lives of others so different from our own Yet despite the differences in our background and our grandparents, I thoroughly enjoyed these grandparent memories you’ve heard today. Rather than being envious, I share in the joy I see in Dorcas and Marilyn’s stories.

I find joy in hearing about the character of their grandparents and how they expressed love for their grandchildren. I find joy in hearing how Marilyn and Dorcas were blessed by their grandparents in different ways. To see the joy in them fills me.

It doesn’t bother me in the least that I wasn’t given what they received. I find joy in seeing how the character of God manifested itself in the lives of these older people I never meant, and the positive impact they had on their families.

I find joy in the subconscious realization that I can be like the grandparents in these stories. In creating meaningful memories for others, I in turn bring joy into my own life.

How about YOU? I bet there are people in your life who are filled with joy over something missing from yours. But our lives are so much more enriched when we can appreciate the joy we see in the lives of others and share in it with them.

It’s what God wants for us when he says “rejoice with those who rejoice.” It takes the spirit of God working in our lives to live like this. All we need to do is ask Jesus to make us feel content in whatever circumstance we are in. And then the joy will come. We can’t do it on our own. We need Him.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Joy has a way of multiplying itself when we rejoice over what others have that we don’t. It comes to us when the joy we see in others is enough to fill us. Joy is meant to be shared.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show to reflect on how you might be able to experience more joy in your life by sharing in the joys of others. Through the power of God’s spirit, you were made for this.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 147: Memories Our Grandparents Make

005: The Gift of Joy - Part 1

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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When we know people in our life are struggling, “what do I say to them?” is often the wrong question we ask ourselves. There’s a better question we can ask that will comfort and encourage people. Listen in to learn more.

Episode 148 left us hanging Episode 148 from last week talked about five things NOT to say to people close to us who are going through a rough patch in their life. I’ll have a link to it in the show notes.

So if we know what not to say, then what are helpful things we could say?

We’ll tackle this question in today’s episode.

Words matter I love words. I love people who write them well. I like how Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz and other best-selling memoirs uses words. He incorporated as a company simply called “Donald Miller’s Words.”

Our daughter has a friend who does free-lance copywriting. She calls her business "Words for Sale."

I like Anne Lamont and how she uses words. Of the many books she’s written, one of my favorites is her book about 3 types of prayer. It’s called Help. Thanks. Wow. Three simple words. Three powerful prayers. In talking about the wow of God, she frequently uses the phrase, “It’s God showing off.” It’s the best description of sunsets, the Grand Canyon, and childbirth I can think of - God showing off.

In William P. Young’s book, The Shack, he repeats the phrase “God is especially fond of you” in addressing, Mack, the main character of the book. What a beautiful phrase and powerful theological truth. “God is especially fond of you”

These are all beautiful words.

Words have their limits But words have their limits when it comes to knowing what to say to people going through a rough patch in their life. I find myself saying things like, “I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this.” It’s truly how I feel, but it seems hollow sometimes.

When it comes to our friends dealing with a death, we often say “I’m sorry for your loss”, or if it’s a sudden, tragic death, “I have no words.” And that’s the problem, we often don’t have words to express how we feel inside for the pain someone close to us is experiencing. So few of us are like Donald Miller, Anne Lamont, or William Young with our words.

I so wish we had a larger menu, like they have at Chinese restaurants, of comforting words and phrases to choose from.

Beyond Words But then I think, are better words really the answer? It seems to me words are just a means to an end, not the end itself. We use words to connect us with people, to show how our emotions align with theirs. To let them know we want to be part of the journey they are on in dealing with a loss or difficulty in their life.

Words are the dots to connect our heart with the heart of another.

Maybe there are other ways beyond words that connect us with each other.

In last week's episode, I mentioned our friend whose 40-something daughter became very ill, and how our friend was filling in for her daughter by managing the household, helping her son-in-law, and caring for her grandkids. The weight of all that had to be done was overwhelming for our friend. Preparing meals, dealing with the ever-growing pile of laundry. All at the time she was caring for her very-sick daughter.

What do I say to a friend who’s feeling overwhelmed like this?

My first thoughts went to one of the things mentioned in episode 148, God Never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully I resisted that thought. Then several Bible verses came to mind. Verses I know our friend was well schooled in. Verses about how God is always there for us, how God cares for us when we are struggling. She may have even memorized them.

When our friend shared the bad news about her daughter I don’t remember saying anything, I just listened. And gave her my handkerchief she used to dab the tears from the corner of her eyes. It was the best I could do at the moment.

A helpful quote Days later I came across a quote that I sent in a text to our friend. I wrote:

“Here’s a quote from Seth Godin I came across the other day that reminded me of you when you feel overwhelmed with doing all that your daughter does to manage the household. Godin said,

‘I’m pretty confident that when the Titanic went down, the deck chairs were cleaned and well-ordered. It’s a shame no one talked about the icebergs.’”

And then I added, “Keep up the good work in keeping your priorities straight! I’m continuing to pray for your daughter.”

In my thinking, the housework that was crying out for attention was her deck chairs on the Titanic. The physical and emotional needs of her daughter were the icebergs - the most important things to attend to.

All analogies break down at some point, but in using the words from this quote I was trying to affirm her wisdom in caring for her daughter at the expense of the piles of laundry. It was the best I could do at the moment.

Sometimes the best we can do to connect with people is to show we are thinking about them and remembering their struggles, even when we’re not together. Our words are not as important as what we do.

So what does all this mean for YOU? I wonder if there are people in your life going through a difficult time who would appreciate you connecting with them. And maybe doing so without words. Connect with them by showing you haven’t forgotten their struggles and that you are paying for them.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode When people in our life are struggling, “What do I say to them?” isn’t as important a question to ask as “What can I do?”

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to reflect and to act by letting someone you know who’s struggling that you haven’t forgotten them. That you are praying for them, and that they are not alone in whatever difficulty they are going through.

It will bring out the best in you and go a long way in helping you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because as you know by now, You Were Made for This.

That’s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships this week. Until we meet up again next week, goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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Be careful of what not to say when bad things happen to good people. Comfort others by letting them see your heart aching with theirs. Your presence will have more power than your words. Listen in to learn more.

Too much time spent on Caring Bridge It’s been a rough couple of weeks.

It started with going to the funeral of a former student of mine when I taught high school English back in the 70s. Janet and I re-connected with her and her husband several years ago before cancer invaded her body, and finally took her life. What do you say to her husband? To her children and grandchildren?

Shortly thereafter, a good friend met with us to tell us through her tears and halting breathe, that her 40-something daughter was just diagnosed with colon cancer. It’s quite advanced, and everyone in the family is in a state of shock.

Then several days ago another good friend, a missionary, emailed to say the baby born to his son and daughter-in-law that morning was stillborn. The doctors don’t know what caused a healthy heartbeat to suddenly stop shortly before birth. It was to be our friend’s first grandchild. The entire extended family is devastated.

What do you say to people in situations like this?

What not to say I can across a helpful blog post several years ago by Tim Pyles, who is the preaching minister at the Broken Arrow Church of Christ in suburban Tulsa, Oklahoma. In his blog post, he shares five things NOT to say in situations like the ones I described in the beginning. I’ll share excerpts that I hope you will find useful. The first example of “what not to say” is Everything Happens for a Reason.

Everything Happens for a Reason “No it doesn’t. Not even close,” Pyles writes. “This is one of those statements that is almost in the Bible. Though it may sound like an affirmation of unqualified faith in a sovereign God, in actuality it slanderously accuses God of cruelty and injustice and impugns His divine will. Romans 8:28 is frequently used as a proof text for this unbiblical notion, but that passage doesn’t teach that all earthly outcomes are somehow the result of a micro-managing, manipulative Deity.

“Read the passage carefully. ‘Everything happens for a reason’ is a quotation from Marilyn Monroe, not the Messiah.

“Since I have written about this statement previously, I won’t further belabor the point here. See “Everything Happens for a Reason, Right?” for a lengthier discussion and explanation.”

[Note: I’ll have a link to this article at the end of the show notes]

The author continues with the second thing not to say:

God won’t give you more than you can handle. “Again, close, but no. Almost in the Bible, but not!…. Such a statement suggests that God’s divine hand is on a celestial spigot of suffering, determining and divvying out tragedies and heartaches based on His assessment of our ability to 'handle it.' It is not only wrong and hurtful, but insulting, to suggest to someone that their immense suffering is somehow a divine 'compliment.'"

Let me pause for a moment and add that God sometimes DOES give us more than we can handle in order to encourage us to depend on him. His glory is so often demonstrated in our weakness and inability to deal with the things the world throws at us. Giving us more than we can handle can connect us more deeply with God if we allow it to.

Back to the blog post with item number 3 of what not to say:

God is in control “Ultimately, yes; God reigns supreme and unrivaled over the whole of His creation…

… Offered as a response to a tragic loss, “God is in control,” comes across as yet another hollow platitude, and, worse, one that wrongfully lays the blame for our suffering squarely at the foot of God’s throne of grace.”

I would agree with the author’s comments on this one. “God is in control” is certainly true. But people in the middle of suffering won’t be comforted by it. This truth won’t sink in until much later. As so often the case, timing is everything.

Much of the pain and suffering we experience is because we live in a fallen world outside the Garden. We tend to forget that.

Moving on, Tim Pyles shares the next phrase not to say to hurting people:

God has a plan “Yes, He indeed does, but the death of their child was not a part of it.”

To this I would add, remarks like “God has a plan” often comes off as our effort to defend God and what he does in the affairs of mankind. God doesn’t need us to defend him. “God has a plan” is prone to distance us from hurting people.

Finally, the last of the “What Not to Say” is:

One day you’ll understand why; one day you’ll know the reason “No, they won’t.”

The author of this blog post does not leave us hanging with what not to say. Here is what he says are helpful things we can and should say or do:

“If this is a person who you know and love, tell them how much they mean to you and how much your heart aches with them and for them. Tell them how much you loved their child, and how much you miss them. Tell them, ‘I can’t imagine the pain, the hurt, the sense of loss, and the anger that you are feeling’ …

“Grief is a journey and a process, not an event. Patiently love them and consistently demonstrate the Spirit of Jesus Christ. When the time is right, assure them that God loves them, too. Remind them that they can speak openly and honestly to God about what they are feeling.

“Hopefully, in time, they will come to see how God can bring light even out of the darkest of nights, and out of our brokenness, He can bring blessing. He is not the Cause, but rather the Redeemer of our suffering.”

So what does all this mean for all of us? I like how the author concludes his remarks:

“Our ‘presence’ and our actions of kindness and compassion should always precede our words, and completely substitute for them if necessary. Show compassion, extend kindness, demonstrate humility, deal with them gently, and be patient with them (Colossians 3:12).

“The emotions of those who have suffered soul-jarring and faith-shaking losses are very real and extremely raw. What they feel is what they feel. Their pain is deep. Their grief is intense. To attempt to get them to deny their emotions, to suppress their feelings, or to feel guilty about their anger will be completely unhelpful and counterproductive and will almost certainly ensure that you will not be welcomed to walk beside them throughout their long journey of grief.”

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode Be careful of what not to say when bad things happen to good people.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to think about what phrases to avoid in trying to be helpful to the hurting people in your life. And to instead to live out Colossians 3:12, where the Apostle Paul says, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.

For when you do, you will find the joy God intends for you in your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

That’s it for today. Until we connect again next time, spread a little relational sunshine to those around you. Goodbye for now.

Related resources you may want to check out 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Tim Pyles blog post, "Everything Happens for a Reason, Right?”

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Memories grandparents make are a relational anchor for grandchildren. They remind us of our relational roots and where we’ve come from. They show us the privilege we have in impacting the lives of others for good.

Grandparent Job Description: Make Memories for Your Grandkids A few months ago in Episode 141, I asked you, our podcast audience, to share memories your grandparents created for you. I mentioned the memories could be from when you were a child or as an adult. I thought it would be interesting and encouraging to hear stories like this. For many of us, our relationship with our grandparents provided a sense of stability in our lives. For many of us, they are relational anchors.

Holiday memories with Grandma In today’s program, I’ll be sharing three of the grandparent memories I received from listeners.

Here’s the first story. It’s from Louise, a missionary who spent many years in China, and is now back in the US continuing to do Bible translation work as she did in China for several decades. She writes:

"Dear John,

On your recent podcast, you mentioned having us share a memory of our grandparents. I only had one growing up since the other 3 had already passed. We used to visit Granny in Orlando, FL for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She always saved stale bread for my younger brother and me to give to the ducks at the nearby lake. It was a small thing but was always anticipated by my brother and me. She also made clothes for me on occasion. I just loved it since she was a good seamstress and made cute things that I enjoyed wearing as a little girl.

Granny didn't talk a lot but she always made us feel welcome and special whenever we visited. Boy, could she cook too. Her kitchen was small but the holiday meals she made were wonderful."

Louise’s memory of her grandmother reminds me of a comment I made in last week’s episode, no. 146, namely, we tend to overestimate the power of our words and underestimate the power of our presence. As a woman of few words, her grandmother excelled at creating joy. The joy of doing something that would bring her grandkids pleasure - saving bread to feed the ducks, making cute clothes, cooking wonderful holiday meals. It brings me joy just imagining what this must have been like for Louise and her brother. The memories grandparents make are important.

Reading to a granddaughter thousands of miles away The second story I’ll read comes from a retired missionary. She writes about a memory her mother created as a grandmother for her daughter. Here it is:

"I have a vivid memory of one thing my Mom chose to do many years ago when she, as a retired missionary herself, was back in the USA and Jim and I were now raising a young family in NIGERIA. It left an indelible impact on me as her daughter.

When Lisa, our oldest, was 2-3 years old, Mom sent us a copy of the children’s book CORDUROY. Along with the book was a cassette tape of her talking to Lisa and then reading the book aloud to her. Mom told Lisa that she used to love reading to ME, but that she was happy that now she could read to her granddaughter.

She asked Lisa to sit in her favorite chair and pretend she was on Grandma’s lap. She told our daughter she would read and ring a little bell when it was time to turn the page. I remember sniffling in the background as I watched Lisa snuggle into a chair and listen to Grandma read.

It didn’t matter that she was on the other side of the world. I prayed Lisa would always remember that kind voice and the time they had spent 'together.'"

What if there’s little or no relationship with a grandparent? After describing her own mother as a grandparent, our now-retired missionary went on to write:

"I wish I had had the Godly influence of grandparents in my life, but I never did. Growing up as a missionary kid in Nigeria without the later benefit of email, FaceTime, or phone calls, we were separated from family for four years at a time. By the time I was old enough to know my grandparents, they had either passed away or were too frail to build meaningful relationships.

Looking back on the cost of that loss grieves me. However, I don’t recall my parents dwelling on it. I didn’t hear them complain or even talk about what was missed, but I’m sure the reality was painful for them. It was a cost they had counted, a sacrifice that “went with the territory” of an overseas mission commitment, I guess.

I wish, though, that my parents had told more stories about them. There are glaring gaps in their histories that I long to know now.

"What I've learned as a grandparent" As I am a little further down the pike now, I can see the importance of returning from Nigeria when I did. I finally could see that others could teach music, lead schools and mentor Nigerian teachers and dorm staff at Kent Academy. Others could support widows. But I was the only one who could be the Grandma to my grandchildren. I was a little too-late-smart, but I finally could see the bigger picture!

So now, I see the privilege of investing in our 8 grandkids. I see the joy of intentionally traveling to Washington, DC and Chicago to support these two families. I see the urgency of redeeming lost time and making the times count when we can be together. It’s never too late to start doing what’s right! And just as Jesus placed his healing hands on people individually, I don’t think there’s a one-size-fits-all in Grandparenting either.

We as grandparents must work to reach our grands and ask God to give us direction in connecting with them as individuals. As we lean in and listen to His still, small voice, I believe He will teach us and delight in helping us."

A Rocky Mountain grandmother and a disabled grandfather Our last grandparent memory comes from a missionary who served in the Mideast for many years. She and her husband are now in administrative and training leadership roles with their mission and are based in Florida. She begins:

"It was fun to think back on my grandparents and their impact on my life. My grandmother lived in Colorado in the beautiful Rocky Mountains. At the age of 70, she took up painting and became an artist! She painted Colorado aspen trees with the backdrop of the mountains as well as watercolor paintings of various little birds. She always looked for the unique beauty in everyday surroundings. Her paintings are her legacy. They reflect how she saw and appreciated the

beauty of her world. She taught me that it’s never too late in life to try something new - to take up a new hobby and develop a latent talent.

My grandfather had Parkinson’s Disease and lived far away from us, so we didn’t know him well. When we visited him at the nursing home, I always remember his hugs. He couldn’t really give us anything other than love and a hug and it left a lasting impression on me. Kids don’t need more toys or things. They need to know they are loved. Hugs matter.

A creative grandmother My grandmother was an amazing, creative woman who loved to knit and crochet. To this day we have colorful afghans that she knitted that are perfect to wrap up in on a chilly night. As a little girl of about 9, I asked her to help me learn to knit. She got some needles and taught me to cast on the yarn and then demonstrated how to knit. I tried my best, I truly did. I made a square that was about 4 inches wide. It was purple.

As I proudly showed my grandma my creative accomplishment, she looked up at me with kind eyes and said softly, “Well, honey, maybe you should try a different hobby!!” To this day, I do not knit!!"

Creating a memory for a grandchild She continues, talking about a memory she created for one of her own grandchildren:

"One thing I have done with my own grandsons when we visit, is to tell them I pray for them every day. As I tuck them into bed at night I ask them, “Do you want to know what I pray for you?” Of course, they are curious and want to know!! I tell them the exact same thing every time. “I pray that you will grow up and become a man who knows and loves the Lord Jesus with all your heart.”

Several years ago as I tucked Griffin into bed and we had this conversation, he looked up at me with ice blue eyes (and red hair) and in all sincerity, he exclaimed, “Grammi, I will!”

It’s been 10 years since that night and every time I see him I say, “Griffin, do you remember what I pray for you?” He grins and we share a moment and then he repeats my prayer for him. It blesses my heart."

So what does all this mean for YOU? These three stories remind me of the power and privilege a grandparent has in creating memories for our grandchildren. They remind me that it’s the simple things that count, like giving stale bread to your grandkids so they can feed the ducks. It’s reading to our grandkids. It’s showing them it’s never too late to learn something new. And it’s praying for them every day.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

Memories grandparents create are a relational anchor for grandchildren. They remind us of our relational roots and where we’ve come from. They show us the privilege we have in impacting the lives of others for good.

Closing If you have any thoughts about today’s episode, I’d love to hear them, along with any memories YOUR Grandparents created for YOU. With all that’s going on in the world today, we need to hear more stories like the ones you’ve heard today.

Well, that’s all for today. Until we meet up again next time, make a memory for someone. For when you do, you’ll at the same time make a memory for yourself.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 130: Be Thankful We Can Make Memories for People

139: Why Should I listen to this Podcast?

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We will find more joy in our relationships when we take the time to listen to the relational melodies created by the important people in our life. Listen in to learn more.

My Legacy Coalition talk A few days ago, this past Monday, I gave a live webinar for the Legacy Coalition, a Christian grandparenting organization. It was part of their weekly Grand Monday Nights program. I’ll have a link to this fine organization at the bottom of the show notes. They are all about helping grandparents  have a greater spiritual impact on their families. I encourage you to check them out.

The topic of the webinar I gave was “How to Relate to Our Grandkids When they Don’t Want to Talk.” For 30 minutes or so I explained the ORA principle I’ve talked about on this podcast a number of times. My talk focused on how Observe - Reflect - Act can be used to draw out children when they’re not very communicative. I’ll have a link at the bottom of the show notes to a few prior episodes explaining the ORA concept in more detail.

I enjoyed putting that webinar together, and to top it off, I appreciated several comments shared with me by two listeners to the program. Let me tell what I learned from them that can help you in your relationships.

Two former missionaries respond Phil, A retired missionary from Virginia texted me after the webinar to mention that ORA is, as he put it, “a good Italian word.” He and his wife Sylvia served in Italy for a number of years as missionaries. If anyone would know a “good Italian word,” it would be Phil.

He said that ORA, in Italian, means “now” or “hour.”

I love the time-sensitive nature of coupling ORA, Observe-Reflect-Act, with its Italian counterpart, “now” or “hour.” We certainly find more joy in our relationships when we live in the moment and don’t let opportunities to deepen our relationships pass us by. So thanks for stimulating my thinking, Phil with your little Italian language lesson!

And then I got another response shortly after the webinar finished. It was an email from Linda, another retired missionary, now living in North Carolina. I seem to recall that she and her late husband Jim served in Nigeria for many years.

A quote from a movie related to the webinar Linda wrote, “As I listened to you share about O-R-A during the LEGACY COALITION webinar tonight, I thought of a quote I wrote down from a Netflix movie I recently watched called My Father’s Violin:

Every person creates their own melody. You just have to take the time to listen.

This quote from the movie stimulated thinking in all kinds of directions. What kind of melody? Are the melodies discernible, unlike the rap music sung during the recent Super Bowl halftime show? Is creating our own melody a good thing?

Can we share common melodies with each other? Are there melodies God gives us, that only seem like we created them ourselves? What melody am I creating? What melodies are you creating? All these questions. I bet if I saw the movie and heard the quote in context, my questions would be answered. Regardless, it’s a stimulating thought to consider “every person creates their own melody.”

One thing I know for sure One thing I don’t wonder about, though, is the last part of the quote, which ties in so well with the ORA principle… “ You just have to take time to listen.” Because when we do take the time to listen to each other it does create more joy in our relationships. Of that I am certain.

So Linda, thanks for stimulating my thinking with this interesting quote, and also for the lead on the Netflix movie, My Father’s Violin. I’ll have a link to that in the show notes as well.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life?

In the webinar from a few days ago, I made this comment near the end:

"Our grandkids may not be talking, but they’re always communicating. It’s up to us to figure out what they’re telling us.”

I’ve been thinking more about this since Monday and it certainly applies to adults as well. We’re all communicating something, even when we’re not talking.

The richest and most fulfilling relationships are those where people listen well to the unspoken. To the non-verbal. Where we listen with our eyes. With our heart. Where we listen to the melody created by others in ways that connect us more deeply with them.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode Listening well to the melodies people all around us are creating can bring more joy into our relationships.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act by asking God to help you become a better listener to the melodies created and played by those around you.

For when you do this, it will help you find the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

That’s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships this week until we meet up again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other resources you may want to check out 099: Share an Observation Instead of Asking a Question

088: Get Them to say “Thank You for Asking”

The Legacy Coalition

My Father's Violin - A Netflix movie

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Delayed gratitude can be more powerful than gratitude at the moment we’re blessed. We may not fully appreciate what happened until time passes. Listen in to learn more.

A listener offers a correction In episode 140 from a few weeks ago, I talked about the relational benefits of thanking people in writing for something they did to bless you. Writing a thank you note is a great way to deepen a relationship because it reminds us of the kindness we received, while at the same time it encourages the recipient of the thank you note to continue blessing others.

I also cautioned our listeners in that episode not to expect people to thank you for the good you do for them. Because often they won’t. But you do good things for people anyway, because it’s the right thing to do.

For example, I mentioned that in my reading of the Bible of all the times Jesus blessed people, I couldn’t recall a single time when someone thanked Him for what He did for them.

Soon after that episode aired, a listener - I think from Minnesota - quickly wrote to correct me. Keep listening to hear what she pointed out to me. It’s an interesting story we can all benefit from.

The healed leper who thanks Jesus Our Minnesota listener pointed out to me that in Luke 17 there is the story of Jesus healing ten lepers, one of whom returned afterward to thank Him. I’ll read this short account from Luke 17: 11-14

As Jesus continued on toward Jerusalem, he reached the border between Galilee and Samaria. As he entered a village there, ten men with leprosy stood at a distance, crying out, “Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!”  He looked at them and said, “Go show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed of their leprosy.  One of them, when he saw that he was healed, came back to Jesus, shouting, “Praise God!” He fell to the ground at Jesus’ feet, thanking him for what he had done. This man was a Samaritan.  Jesus asked, “Didn’t I heal ten men? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?” And Jesus said to the man, “Stand up and go. Your faith has healed you.”

Context of the story The context of this delayed gratitude story is important. For one thing, Jesus had been traveling with his disciples when these 10 lepers appear. Jesus knew they were watching. What he said and how he presented himself was just as much for the benefit of his followers as it was for the lepers. He was teaching by showing, which for them, and many of us, has greater impact than by teaching by telling.

Geography is important in this story. Luke mentions the incident with the lepers takes place at the border between Galilee and Samaria. We can infer then that the 10 lepers were a mix of those from both places. If you were from Galilee, as were Jesus and his disciples, Samaria was considered the other side of the tracks. People from Samaria were looked down upon as second-class citizens. Why this is, I’ll leave for theologians and preachers to explain. They need the work and it keeps them off the dole.

One last thing in terms of context, you might wonder why Jesus told the lepers to present themselves to the priests after they were healed. This happened on other occasions when Jesus healed people. Presenting one’s self to the Jewish priests legitimized their cleansing. Without this, healing by Jesus was considered unofficial. One commentator this said

"It has to do with reintegrating lepers into society. Priests were able to verify that someone was healthy and had been cured (Lev. 13.49; 14:2ff.). Until that time, they were excluded from full participation in the community.

“In sending the lepers to the priests Jesus is giving them their opportunity to reconnect with loved ones, re-establish careers and resume normal worship.”

Who am I in this story? This story of the 10 lepers raises two important questions for all of us. The first one is, “As a person of faith, where do I see myself in this story?”

I’d like to think I would be more like the one leper, the Samaritan leper, who came back to thank Jesus for healing him. Even though I didn’t realize at first Jesus would be healing me as I and the other 9 lepers went to see the Jewish priests, my delayed gratitude to Him would need to be acknowledged. I’d like to think I’d do the right thing in this regard.

But in reality, I think I am more like the 9 other lepers. They all had a measure of faith by believing they would be healed by Jesus, without Jesus actually being present. But it didn’t occur to them to go back and thank Jesus for this huge blessing he granted them.

This reminds me of my interview with Josephine in episode 143. She’s a missionary in Eastern Europe, and when she was on a recent home assignment, she went back to 3 of her former music teachers to thank them for the positive impact each of them had on her life. This was gratitude expressed many years after the fact that was quite powerful. I’ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes. It’s one of my favorite episodes.

It shows that sometimes it takes a significant distance of time and space for delayed gratitude to do its work. To touch our hearts in appreciation for how people - and God - have blessed us.

Who is Jesus in the story? The second important question this story raises is “Who is Jesus?”

For example, at the end of the story, how do you picture Jesus when he asks this rhetorical question,

“Didn’t I heal ten men? Has no one returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?”

Do you see him as angry? Maybe disappointed? Critical, perhaps?

I can’t prove it, but I have a strong hunch he was smiling, maybe even laughing at the lack of gratitude from the other 9 who were healed. Laughing like a parent of a young child who sees the self-centeredness in their offspring. But who at the same time realizes it’s only a matter of time before their son or daughter matures, because he knows that deep down the child will eventually do the right thing.

I picture Jesus thinking and smiling like this and looking like the actor who plays this role of Christ in The Chosen. It’s that Internet series that’s become so popular. To me, he looks like Aaron Rogers, the star quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. But this character who plays Jesus in The Chosen often smiles at the idiosyncrasies of his followers. I can easily imagine Jesus doing the same with us.

Don't you love a Jesus who laughs and smiles? I hope you do.

And I love how in this story Jesus points out the leper with the delayed gratitude is from Samaria. I’m sure Jesus did this for the benefit of his disciples who were from the right side of the tracks in Galilee.

We don’t expect people different t from us to be better than us. But that’s what happened here with the leper from Samaria who praised Jesus with his delayed gratitude.

So what does all this mean for YOU? I’ll leave you with a question to think about. What is something Jesus has done for you in the past that evokes thankfulness within you now? Where would you be today if Jesus had not done what he did for you back then?

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode Delayed gratitude can be more powerful than thankfulness at the moment we’re blessed. We may not fully appreciate what happened until time passes and the significance of the blessing penetrates our soul. When it does, our relationship with the person who blessed us deepens.

As always, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. You can even feel free to correct me as our listener from Minnesota did today.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect upon something Jesus has done for you, and then thank him for it, as the cleansed leper from Samaria did.

It’s one way to find the joy God intends for you in your relationship with Him. Because as we all know by now, You Were Made for This.

That’s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships until we meet up again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to or watch 143: Initiate with People to Enrich Our Life - Part 1

140: Two Relational Benefits to a Thank You Note

139: Why Should I Listen to this Podcast?

Click here to watch The Chosen

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Deeper relationships develop when we initiate with others. It can lead to great conversations that look like dancing the waltz on a ballroom floor. The other person leads and you follow. Then you lead and they follow. It’s a thing of beauty. In both cases our lives are enriched. Listen in to learn how.

Picking up where we left off in last week’s episode In Last week’s episode, no. 143, I wanted to demonstrate the relational New Year’s resolution I suggested in episode 141. Namely, initiate with people. So I contacted a previous guest on this podcast, a missionary serving in Eastern Europe by the name of Josephine. It isn’t her real name, but for security reasons in her part of the world, I’m calling her that.

I initiated with her to give you some ideas of how you could do the same thing with people in your life. I found our conversation interesting and encouraging as I learned more of her story and how God has been leading her and caring for her. But we ran out of time last week, so I want to finish sharing our conversation with you today. If you missed the start of our chat from last week I’ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes.

In that episode, I interjected a few observations as we went along. Today, however, I share those observations at the end.

So let’s get into today, beginning with a question I asked about Josephine about the people she lives and works with in Eastern Europe.

[I’m sorry, but there’s no transcript of our conversation. To listen to the episode go to the top of the page and click on the gold play button in the white circle next to the episode title]

The end wasn’t the end Wasn’t that interesting? [i.e., the guest interview] It sure was for me, especially near the end.

There was a period of awkwardness for me where it seemed like I had run out of questions to ask Josephine. Thinking we were about finished, I asked her, “are there any last thoughts or things you have to say?” In other situations, people will often say something along the lines of, “No, I think we’ve covered everything.”

But this is when the conversation changed and Josephine took over and said something along the lines of

“In terms of relationships, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately….”

To my way of thinking it became the richest part of our time together where she talked about her feelings of saying goodbye to people, grieving relationships that end, and the challenge that brings. And even the opportunities it creates. Josephine had a lot to say about this topic.

A listening waltz When our conversation took a turn more to the heartfelt it reminded me of an important listening principle, that good listening is like dancing a waltz. One person leads, the other person follows. In the beginning, I was leading, and Josephine followed. She followed well. But then she took over and started to lead by sharing her reflections about relationships, that were independent of anything I asked before. And I just followed her around the listening ballroom dance floor.

Watching people waltz is a thing of beauty, and being part of a really good heartfelt conversation is a thing of beauty, too. You lead for awhile, your partner follows. Then they lead and you follow. What a privilege it is to both lead, AND follow someone else’s line of thinking and feeling. It doesn’t get any better than this.

Good conversations leave you wanting more. My interaction with Josephine reminds me that when we initiate with others, a really good conversation will leave you wanting to know more. And the great thing is wanting to know more about the other person is how relationships deepen and how it enriches our lives. For example, with Josephine, I’d like to know more about

Her two friends who left in January (we recorded the episode in Mid-December) What were they like? What will she be looking for in new friends to fill in the gap of this loss?
I’d like to know more about what Josephine is learning about hospitality from the lady down the street that she’s not finding in books.
Then there’s the challenge she faces of working alone she mentioned. What’s that like for her? How does she deal with this?
I’d like to know more about how she’s processing the grief and losses she experiences. I loved how in our discussion she talked about being very specific in naming her losses and then feeling them. I’d like to hear a story or two of how she does that. I should have asked, “Can you give me an example of that.”
And then I sensed a bit of sadness in her voice as she talked about the grief of relationships that come to an end. I wonder if I sensed it accurately, though. I’d like to know more about this.
I wonder too, how as a leader of missionary teams, does she help those she leads deal with the losses they experience.

Affirm people, cheer them on And then as our conversation came to a close, I just felt it was an honor for Josephine to have shared with me what was on her heart. She talked about some deeply personal and tender things that I felt needed a response from me. So without even thinking, I shared what was on my heart about what I heard from her.

I told her I was proud of what she does and the way she does it. I mentioned that I saw what she does as being important work. I just felt the need to affirm her the best I could at that moment. We need to do this for each other whenever we can.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life?

Initiate with others. Don’t wait for them to come to you. Ask God who you should initiate with, and then bless the person by listening well to their story. Affirm them when you can. Be their cheerleader. It will bring out the best in them, and the best in you.

Another thing you can do is read the Necessary Endings book Josephine mentioned. It’s by Dr. Henry Cloud. It’s a very good book. A major theme Cloud writes about is that to experience God’s best for us we sometimes have to end things before we can move on. Josephine talked a little about this. The author gives lots of examples from the Bible and his own counseling practice to illustrate this concept.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode

When we initiate with others great conversations become like ballroom dancing. They lead, we follow, and both our lives are enriched. It deepens our relationships with people.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to consider initiating with someone. And as we talked about last week in episode 143, you make the first contact and see what happens. See what God does. I’d love to know how it goes for you.

Because when you initiate with people there’s a good chance you will find the joy God intends for you in relationships. For surely you must know by now, You Were Made for This.

That’s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships this week until we meet up again next week. Goodbye for now

Related episodes you may want to listen to 143: Initiate with People to Enrich Our Life - Part 1

083: The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community

139: Why should I listen to this podcast?

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You’ve heard this before, everyone has a story. When we take the time to initiate with people to hear their story it enriches our lives. And theirs, too. Today’s episode is an example of initiating with someone and the benefits in doing so. Listen in.

My first boss I met my wife in high school in 9th grade. We didn’t talk to each other much until our junior year when she was co-editor of our school newspaper. Things took a big leap forward when she asked me to write a humor column for the Campus Courier. So when I started writing my column, “Off the Beaten Path,” Janet became my boss. My first boss. Carol’s my boss too, but Janet’s been my boss the longest. I get them both a Boss’s Day card every October 16th.

Janet’s editorial skills and experience came into play the other day after she listened to episode 140, about thank you notes. She liked the examples I gave in that program from my own life of doing good for others to the extent people thank you for it. She said

“If you’re going to tell people what to do in their relationships you have to be doing the same thing yourself.”

I couldn’t agree with her more. I knew I had to do something related to episode 141 about the relational resolution I suggested for this year: initiate with people. Since I’m recommending this to others I need to do it myself.

Practice what I’m preaching So I decided to initiate with one of our previous podcast guests, Josephine, a missionary serving in Eastern Europe. Her real name isn’t Josephine, but for security reasons in her part of the world, I’m calling her that. And also because “Josephine” was the name of my grandmother who was born in Eastern Europe and emigrated to the US when she was 18.

As you listen in to my Zoom conversation with Josephine, see what ideas you can pick up for having a similar conversation with someone that YOU initiate with. Our conversation begins at about the 3:10:00 mark with me reminding Josephine of the last time we talked. Listen in.

[I’m sorry, there is no transcript available. Please listen to the podcast]

At about 6:32 into the interview I want to stop her for a moment. What Josephine said about where she feels most comfortable often comes as a surprise to people here in the States who have limited exposure to missionaries. Another missionary once told me he feels like a fish out of water when he comes back to the US from Southeast Asia where he serves. We often assume missionaries can’t wait to get to America because of all the creature comforts we enjoy here. It’s often not like that, as Josephine points out.

Back to our conversation at about 7:12 into the interview I’ve got to interject here for a moment. Isn’t this a great example of the benefits of initiating with people? Expressing her gratitude to 3 older adults for the positive impact they had on her life. She intentionally wanted to spread a little joy in the lives of her former teachers. What a kind and caring gesture on Josephine’s part. And notice that she said, “it was a huge gift for me, and for them, too.” That’s the way it often is when we initiate with people. It does become a huge benefit to us.

Our conversation resumes near the 11:34 mark Asking someone how they came to be whatever they are doing now is one way to initiate with people. It’s something you can start asking people you want to go deeper with in your relationship. More often than not people will have an interesting story to tell. And many times their story will have God’s fingerprints all over their story. So give it a try, ask someone what led them to do what they’re doing now. It will encourage the person you’re talking to, and you could very well be encouraged yourself.

I pick up with Josephine at about 16:34 What great answers to my questions about how she became a Christian, and then how she was led into missions serving in Eastern Europe. Don’t you just love her honesty and seeing how God directed her? For me, I hear joy coming through in Josephine’s answers.

I’m going to save her answer to the last questions I asked about the people of Eastern Europe for next week’s episode. The story she shares about her home assignment is quite interesting in its contrast to the values of the people she lives with overseas. It sure got me thinking, and it will do the same for you when you listen to part 2 next week.

So what does all this mean for YOU? Do yourself a favor and initiate with people. Start with one person. It will get your mind off whatever you’re dealing with as you hear people’s stories and how God is leading them.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode When we initiate with people to learn their story and how God is leading them, it opens us to possibilities we may not have considered before. It opens us up to see the love of God in caring for people and meeting their needs. And when we do that it strengthens our faith, for what God does for others, he certainly can do for us.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. You can leave them in “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act by initiating with someone. You make the first contact and see what happens. And let me know how that goes for you.

For when you initiate with people there’s a good chance you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. You Were Made for This, you know.

Well, that’s all for today. I can’t wait to share with you again next week when we will hear part 2 of Josephine’s story. Take care, and spread a little joy this week.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 083: The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community
139: Why should I listen to this podcast?

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Real joy is seeing Jesus, from the abundance of his grace, release one gracious blessing after another to each of us. We don’t work for any of it because it’s all grace. Listen in to learn how it can happen to you.

Have you ever noticed how God is gracious with you, sometimes in an unexpected way? Today’s episode is about a recent blessing I witnessed that I think will encourage you. It’s a blessing with several layers to it. So keep listening; you’re going to like this one.

Computer problems A few months ago I realized I needed to replace my aging laptop computer, not so much because of the age itself, but because of problems with the keyboard.

The “a” key was the first to go. I couldn’t read it and many times had to press it several times before it would register on the screen. A computer technician recommended replacing the keyboard because he said the other keys will eventually do the same thing. Without boring you with the details, he said I’d be without my laptop for 10 days to 2 weeks to make the repair. I opted instead to replace just the “a” key, and there was no downtime at all.

But now the “a” key is doing it again, along with the “e, d, and c” keys which are no longer legible. Plus the cursor seems to have a mind of its own when I’m editing. Rather than paying to repair this older computer, and the downtown that comes with it, it’s time to replace it.

So I sent a letter to people on the mailing list for our missionary care ministry, Caring for Others. It’s the organization that sponsors this podcast. People on the list had donated to our ministry in the past, and I asked them to pray that funding would come in to replace my computer.

A blessing from an unlikely source Very generous people believe in what we are doing and the checks started coming in. One in particular stands out that came with a Christmas card at the end of December from a missionary by the name of Ann. Janet and I are always encouraged whenever another missionary supports the work we do out of their limited resources. Listen to what Ann wrote to us:

Dear John and Janet,

I hope this finds you well! Thank you for your recent letter! I understand needing a new computer. Mine was 10 years old and just replaced it over Thanksgiving break. God blessed with the provision for it!

So, I in turn, would like to bless you with a gift towards your replacement. Thank you so much for all you do and may our Lord bless you.

Have a blessed Christmas,

Ann

Her note and sizable check, I might add, humbled me. Her aging computer was older than mine. Yet she wanted to share out her limited missionary resources with us. She truly did bless us.

Blessings pointing back to Jesus Her note and check brought me back to what the Apostle John said about Jesus in his gospel, chapter 1, verse 16:

“From the abundance of the fullness of his grace, we have received one gracious blessing after another.”

So how did Ann bless us? Certainly, on the surface it was her generous check to help pay for a new computer that blessed us.

A deeper blessing But I see a deeper blessing in her note to us. Ann had the same need I had, maybe even a greater one, which helped her more easily understand my need. Her need made her more sensitive to mine. It’s interesting how that works.

She saw how God had blessed her with provisions of a new computer for herself, and that inspired her to be a channel of a gracious blessing to benefit Janet and me. A blessing that comes out of the abundance and fullness of God’s grace. One blessing after another.

In reading Ann’s note, I sense a lot of joy. I can’t help but smile thinking about the blessing she’s feeling. Not only does God bless her with a new computer for herself, but he also uses her to bless us. It all comes from the abundance of the fullness of his grace. One gracious blessing after another.

Like Ann, it’s inspiring to be God’s agent in blessing others. Where we reflect the character of Jesus in our relationships with people. Where we give people a taste of who Jesus is by simply passing on to others what we have received from him. There’s a lot of joy in passing on one blessing after another.

I also can’t help but think of whoever bought that computer for Ann, whether it was one person, or several people, or a church body. They surely must have experienced joy in being a channel of blessing directed to Ann.

The great thing about these blessings from Jesus is that there’s nothing we can do to earn them. They only come from the abundance of the fullness of his grace. It’s all grace. All the time.

So what does all this mean for YOU? I suspect some of you may not be feeling particularly blessed right now. If that’s the case, ask God for help. Ask him to remind you of the gracious blessing upon blessing you have already received. Maybe start with the blessing of having woken up this morning. Yeah, that would be a good place to start. And then ask God to take it from there. Ask him to help you make a list.

For me, I was looking at my paperwork the other day and it tells me I’m getting old. Yet I have all my original factory-installed parts. The same knees, hips, and heart valves I was born with. They seem to be working fine after all these years. Nothing has been recalled. One gracious blessing after another that I enjoy from the abundance and fullness of the grace of Jesus. I find joy in this.

You can too. Just ask for help in finding the joy. He’ll show you.

Here’s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode There is real joy in seeing Jesus release one gracious blessing after another as he loves on us. We don’t have to work to receive these blessings because it’s all grace. All the time.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. You can put them in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing I closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to reflect and be inspired by seeing Jesus at work in your life and in the lives of others.

When you do this you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationship with others and God. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to this Podcast?

141: One Simple Way to Brighten Someone’s Day

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You will brighten someone’s day when you initiate with them, letting them know you’re thinking about them, and wondering how they are doing. Simple acts like this go a long way to deepening a relationship. Listen in.

Help Needed Before we get into today’s show I could use your help with something. I’ve been asked to give a Zoom presentation at the end of February to the Legacy Coalition, a Christian Grandparenting organization. It’s not finalized yet, but I think I’m going to give a talk on memories that Grandparents can create for their grandchildren.

As part of this, I would so like to share any memories you are willing to share of memories your grandparents created for you. They can be from when you were a child, or as an adult. It would be interesting and encouraging to hear any stories like this from you. It might even turn into a future podcast episode.

Please send it to me in an email to john [at]caringforothers [dot]org.

On to today’s program.

A relational word to focus on for 2022 Have you ever had one of those gray, dull days where things going on in your life match the dreary overcast weather of the middle of winter? But then suddenly out of nowhere, something happens to lift your spirits?

Today’s episode is about something simple we can do to brighten someone's day, which in turn will brighten our own.

Because of several unrelated texts and emails, I stumbled upon one simple way to brighten another person’s day. Here it is: initiate with someone. Yes, initiate.

I know some of you like coming up with a word or goal to focus on for the new year. If that’s the case with you, “initiate” would be a good choice. Initiate by taking the first step in connecting with someone.

Here’s the first example I stumbled upon Back in December of last year, there was a horrific display of evil in our community. It even made the national news here in the US. During an annual Christmas parade through the quaint downtown of Waukesha, Wisconsin, a man drove his SUV right down the middle of the parade. Starting from the rear, he plowed through marching bands, other parade participants, and spectators. Six people were killed, including an 8-year old boy. Over 60 others were injured and hospitalized. It was horrible.

This happened on a Sunday. The next day the school was canceled in Waukesha. One of the donors to the sponsor of this podcast, Caring for Others, has a high school senior in that school system. I happen to know this young man through his parents and I wondered if he was affected by this trauma.

A text to initiate contact So without giving it a second thought I texted him with this:

ME: I am thinking about you today, given the Christmas parade tragedy of yesterday. I heard school is canceled today. I’m wondering how you’re doing with all that happened. Did you know anyone who was hurt?

HIM: I’m doing okay, thank you for thinking of me. I wasn’t at the parade but I know people who saw it happen and everyone’s a little stressed about it. I know one person who got hit by the SUV but no serious injuries on his part.

ME: I’m glad to hear you’re okay. It’s certainly a terrible tragedy, certainly for those injured or worse, and for those like your friends who saw it happen.

HIM: Yeah, thank you for checking on me though it means a lot.

I was a little surprised at first that my simple spur-of-the-moment text meant a lot to him. But as I re-read his reply to my text it struck me how he appreciated the fact I was thinking of him in the context of this terrible event. Thinking about what he might be dealing with prompted me to initiate with him through a simple text. Who of us wouldn’t feel good knowing someone else was thinking about us in the midst of a difficult situation.

A second example of initiating to brighten someone’s day Last Thanksgiving our daughter living in South Carolina was in a particularly grateful mood and sent me a text that read

I am thankful for you and all your support this year. Thanks for checking in on me so many times this fall. It really meant a lot to me to know you were thinking about me.

There it is again, this theme of initiating with a person that starts with simply thinking about the person and checking in on them.

Thanksgiving without your wife Around the same time I got the text from my daughter I was thinking about my missionary friend, Martin. I talked about him in episodes 071 and 072 concerning the sudden death of his wife. I was thinking about him last November because it was going to be his second Thanksgiving without her. So I called to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. My call went to voice mail, but within a few hours he responded to me in a text:

Hi John, thank you for reaching out and thinking of us. Serena’s godmother from Germany is visiting and celebrating Thanksgiving with us. That’s a blessing. Hope you have a good Thanksgiving as well!!

A voice from the past initiated with Janet and me Here’s the last example of how to brighten someone’s day.

On November 10th of last year, Janet and I were traveling and in the evening I checked our voicemail at home. To my astonishment, there was a message from Margaret, a friend from over 50 years ago we had lost contact with.

She remembered our daughter’s birthday was coming up the next day, November 11th - Veteran’s Day, and that prompted her to track us down after all these years have passed. Her remembering our daughter’s birthday, made her think of us, and that prompted her to contact Janet and me.

Her initiating with us like this certainly brightened our day and has led to several follow-up phone calls between the three of us. Sadly it’s been just the three of us talking because her wonderful husband died two years ago. I won’t go any further now to describe this remarkable re-connection. It deserves a podcast episode of its own at a later date.

So what does all this mean for YOU? The more I think of these examples I’ve shared, and others I haven’t, they remind me of how Jesus initiates with us. His incarnation at Christmas was him coming to be with us, so one day we can go to be with him.

They remind me of the story of Jesus initiating with the woman at the well. He went out of his way to be with her, even though she was so very different from him. She was a woman, he’s a man. Jesus’ followers at the time looked down upon her.. Yet Jesus initiated with her anyway, which in a very powerful way, brightened her day. Read the story in John 4; it’s all there.

Given that we are all created in the image of God, when we initiate well with people, without any motive for personal gain, we reflect the character of God. And in doing so, we will find fulfillment in being the person God created us to be.

I wonder who are the people in your life you could bless by initiating with them? Maybe even someone from your distant past. I know if you were to ask God who these people are He would show you.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode

To brighten someone’s day, check-in with them to let them know you are thinking about them and wondering how they are doing. For when you brighten someone’s day, you’ll brighten your own. It’s what we’re all made for.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. You can leave them in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to think about the people you could initiate with, and then act on that thought. It would be one way to find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 071: How to Help a Grieving Friend
072: What I Learned From a Grieving Friend

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A thank you note benefits both the recipient and the writer. It reminds the writer of blessings received, and it motivates the recipient to bless others again. A written thank you note is a great way to deepen your relationship with someone.

Last year’s “Make it a Relational New Years Resolution” I first mentioned this a year ago in episode 087, “Make it a Relational New Years Resolution.” It was about resolving to do something kind, caring, or thoughtful for people during the course of the year to the extent you would receive a thank you note for what you did. I’ll have a link to this episode at the bottom of the show notes.

I was ready to move on today with another relational resolution for this year to talk to you about. But before doing that, I thought we should look back at the results of last year’s relational resolution. Before the future, consider the past and present.

I was surprised by what I learned when I did this for myself. I’ll share what I discovered because it can help you in considering a way to add depth to your relationships here in the New Year.

Why a written thank you note? By way of review, to receive a written “thank you” note, you had to do something pretty meaningful for someone to make the effort to show their appreciation in this way. For our purposes, it had to be in writing. Electronic communication didn’t count, nor did verbal expressions of gratitude.

In the age we live in, where electronic communication is the norm, for someone to use older technology like writing a note, requires a lot more of that person.

After I received a thank you note or card last year, I read and dated them, and then placed them in a folder.

Observations about the 2021 “thank you” cards I received * From a scrap of paper to a linen parchment card, no two were the same. I’ve gotten identical birthday cards and Christmas cards, but no duplicate thank you notes. * I received 5 thank you notes that mentioned appreciation for this podcast. I doubt if any of you have a podcast, but I’m sure a lot of you are doing things you enjoy that benefit other people. * Several couples, and two single people we invited for dinner at our house, sent us written thank you notes. * Thank you notes for birthdays and high school graduation gifts were the next most common. * Two missionary couples who stayed with us a week to 10 days or so thanked us in writing. * A friend of ours was sick with Covid, so Janet picked up groceries for her family and I delivered them. * We received thank you notes from three teenage boys, all for high school graduation gifts. And they were most tender expressions of gratitude. Their parents raised them well! * One person, a donor to our Caring for Others ministry, wrote at least 3 thank you notes over the course of last year. Here he was sending donations to us, and at the same time thanking us for our ministry in quite specific terms about what he was grateful for in what we do.

A sampling of thank you notes received I feel a little uncomfortable reading these because they paint Janet and me in a good light, which you would think would happen in a thank you note. A more well-rounded picture would come from complaints people have about us.

But my only purpose in sharing them is to give you ideas of what you can do to impact the lives of people, to make a positive difference, to the point they will go to the trouble of thanking you in writing.

A secondary purpose is to give you ideas of HOW to thank people, as you listen to how people thanked Janet and me last year for one thing or another. Here’s the first one.

Just a quick note to say “Thanks” for your friendship over the years! Knowing you guys and being able to LEAN on you at times gives us confidence in His Grace!… Mostly I just wanted to make sure we get something in your 2021 pile of thank you notes.” ~ L. & J.

O.K., so this is clergy appreciation month! Although I consider you a friend you are also my clergy phone friend, and I appreciate your Biblical teaching and related challenges. ORA at work! ~ October V.A.

Do you remember ORA? Observe. Reflect. Act. ORA.

You have earned a thank you note! Thank you for teaching your listeners about how to care for others. It is so encouraging to listen to you each week. I especially like the one-take-home point for the week. I look forward to actionable items to care for others. ~ D.P.

Gratitude expressed for the unexpected

We are so grateful for how you are reaching people around the world with your podcast and are happy to help it grow! We are also so grateful that you have been willing to connect with our son (18-year-old high school senior) during this challenging time of a teenage boy’s life. He comes home smiling and seems more content. Thank you. ~ K.P.

On the back of envelope: I forgot to tell you. This note is from my Grandma’s collection! She always wrote thank you notes!

Here’s a note from a businessperson to me, as her customer. The following is from the designer of our new website from last September:

John, thank you for trusting me to redo your website. It was such a fun project…I love being able to support others doing important work for Christ. Thank you for your loyalty over the years and I am so glad you stumbled upon my ….training video a few years ago. :) ~ L.D.

Thanks so much for making my birthday special. The cake was delicious and I was touched by your thoughtfulness. I love my tomato knife and can’t wait to try it. Thanks again. ~ D. B.

Dear John and Janet,
Thank you so much for including us in your family lunch last week. You are so kind and generous. Blessings to you two! ~ J. & K.

Dear John and Janet
Thanks for the beautiful card and generous gift of money we really appreciate it. We will use it for gas to ride down there. Thanking God for both of you. ~B.R.and S.R.

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,
Thank you so much for coming down to my graduation and for your generous gift. I really appreciate all the ways you’ve supported me and spent time with me throughout my life, like all the times I’ve stayed at your house and the trips to the library with Grandpa, and the cookies Grandma and I have baked. Thank you always for being there for me. Maybe sometime you can come visit me at the University of South Carolina and we can get some cheese curds and get into an argument about who I should vote for. I hope your trip back went well - see you on Zoom! Love, Nathan

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to add more depth to the relationships in YOUR life?

Start by remembering that a written thank you note is simply a marker of the positive impact you had in someone's life. That’s the point of this relational resolution, not the thank you note itself. Writing a thank you note gets our eyes off ourselves to focus on a blessing we received.

One important thing to remember is not to expect people to thank you for the good you do for them. Often they won’t. But you do good things for people anyway, because it’s the right thing to do. It’s not about you; it’s about them. Doing good for others is living out Romans 12, and reflecting the character of God. With Jesus living in us, we are equipped and empowered to be the person God created us to be. We truly were made for this.

We are made in His image and Jesus was often doing good things for people, with no expectation that he would be thanked for it. In fact, I’ll have to look into this later, but I don’t recall any stories in the Bible where people thanked Jesus for blessing them. If any of you can think of an example, please let me know.

If writing a handwritten thank you note is a challenge for you, ask God for help. Ask him for help in remembering the blessings you received, and who were the people God used to bless you. Ask him for help in what to say and how to say it. When we ask God for help like this it won’t be hard,

If you have young children, and where appropriate, post the notes on your refrigerator or where they can see them. Share them with your kids as they come in. When you write one, and before you mail it, tell your kids what you are doing and why you are doing it. Then read it to them. Have them put the note in the envelope, seal it, and place the stamp on the envelope. Teach them by example.

For me, our kids are grown and have kids of their own. But when I die I want them to display a board at my funeral with all the thank you notes I received. Skip the pics of summer picnics and faded Christmas gatherings when I was in my 20s and had hair on my head. Display the thank you notes. Maybe that will encourage someone.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode A thank you note benefits both the writer and recipient. It reminds the writer of blessings received and motivates the recipient to continue reflecting the character of God by blessing others. These are two great benefits of a handwritten thank you note.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode, and any thank you notes you received.

Closing I closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act by doing good for people to the extent they thank you in writing for it.

Ephesians 2:10 tells us we were made for this. It reads “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week when I will suggest another relational resolution for this current year. I can’t wait to share it with you! Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 087: Make it a Relational New Years Resolution

088: Get Them to say “Thank You for Asking”

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Do yourself a favor and listen to this podcast to get the most out of the relationships God places in your path. You’ll be inspired to see the joy in them in new and refreshing ways.

When I started this podcast in late 2018 there were about 500,000 podcasts. Today there are over 2 million. It raises the question, with all of these podcasts available to listeners like you, why listen to THIS one? Back in 2018 I answered this question in the very first episode, number 001“Six Reasons to Listen to You Were Made for This.”

But now, 138 episodes and six seasons later, it’s time to revisit this question. What’s in it for you, the listener, to listen to THIS podcast, when you have so many other choices of how to spend your time?

Our basic premise The basic premise of this podcast hasn’t changed, but during the past three years, I’ve seen more than ever the importance of relationships in our daily lives. They can bring us great joy. Or they can bring us great heartache - and everything in-between.

Relationships are like molecules of oxygen, because relationships are everywhere, even when we’re not thinking about them. We can’t escape them if we’re living human beings. We have relationships with people, obviously. But we also have a relationship, with organizations, with our circumstances, with time and places, with God, and even a relationship with our self.

Listen to this podcast to help make these relationships the best they can be.

The very first relationship ever Relationships started with God, and the three persons of the trinity, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. This was the very first relationship. Since we are made in the image of God, good relationships reflect His character. To experience the life-giving relationships God intends for us, this podcast draws from what God says in the Bible about all manner of relationships.

This podcast targets people of faith because what God says about relationships is foundational to living the most fulfilling life possible. If you’re not a person of faith, that’s fine. Our goal is not to turn you into one. Godly principles of relationships work for both the believer and non-believer.

When you listen to this podcast you’ll learn how to apply biblical principles to your relationships. For example, Episode 51, “More Than the Music” is about the relationship principles the Apostle Paul explains in Romans 12. It’s about how we are to relate to God, to others, and to ourselves. He explains how our relationships are a form of worship. I’ll have a link to this episode, and others I mention today, at the bottom of the show notes for you to check out later. It and the others will give you a taste of what You Were Made for This is all about.

We help you to make your relationships the best they can be You may have come across this idea several times before, “we were made for relationships.” Yet how many of us were taught how to actually do what we were made for? For many of us when it comes to relationships, we don’t know what we don’t know about them. But if you listen to this podcast you’ll learn.

For most relationship skills are learned. So we talk a bunch about developing relationship skills. Most of us already have some relational skills, we just need to get better at it. And as with any skill; it takes practice. When you listen to this podcast, we show you what to practice and how to practice.

For example, episodes 011 - 014 are about the four levels of relationship skills, with examples of how you can move from level 1 up to level 4.

And there’s one of our favorite topics and recurring themes. Listening. It comes up in many episodes because it’s such an important factor in nurturing life-giving relationships. Episode 112, “Three Ways to Listen Well in 2021,” is just one example devoted to all this important relational topic

Our podcast format The format we follow in this podcast is all about what is best for you. We respect your time, and except for the occasional interview, most episodes are 10-15 minutes long. When you listen to this podcast you won’t find any time fillers, nervous giggling, or inside jokes you find in some podcasts.

We stress the practical in each episode. Number 095 is an example, “What to Do When People Irritate Us.”

Another thing to note about our podcast is that we love relationship stories. We use lots of them to show how to have good relationships. We do very little telling. Lots of showing what good relationships look like. Lots of stories that illustrate the relational intelligence we’re working to develop in each of us. Many of these stories come from the Bible. And many of them come from my own experience.

Like the time I unknowingly frightened a 20-something tattooed, pink-haired woman in tattered blue jeans, with a ring in her nose and another in her navel. I shared in an episode an important relationship lesson I learned from that encounter.

Easily searchable content Our website, johncertalic.com makes it easy to find relationship topics that interest you. Each episode is found in one of six searchable categories:

Relationship Principles
Relational Skills
Finding Joy in Relationships
God in Our Relationships
Family Relationships
Becoming a Better Listener

You can also search by tags or keywords. For example, searching on the word “humility” brings up 4 podcast episodes, 1 blog post, and 1 reference to my book, THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others.

“Bakery” brings up nothing. Nothing about bakery; sorry.

If you prefer to read rather than listen, each episode has show notes you can read, though I highly recommend listening because I sometimes will spontaneously add things not in the notes.

Another thing about our format is that we offer practical relationship tools you most likely will not have heard about elsewhere. For example, I have an episode about the myth of “it never hurts to ask.” Then there’s how to prevent relational conflicts before they happen. One of my favorite topics is about the only two questions you ever need to remember to get into a satisfying conversation with someone.

Each episode is about one specific relational concept or skill. Each one is a lot about one thing, not a lot about many things. Every one suggests an actionable response you can take to improve your relationships. It’s not about theory. It’s about practical tools and actions you can take. Today. Now.

Conclusion Finally, a major reason to listen to this podcast is to discover the joy found in relationships. Besides the topic of listening, discovering the joy of relationships is a thread found throughout many episodes.

We come back to this topic again and again. Episode 041, “Thankful for the Cheerleaders in My Life” is one example.

The main point of today’s episode When you listen to this podcast it will enrich your life by showing you how to experience the joy God intends for you in your relationships. You’ll experience the joy of relationships as you grow in blessing others, which in turn, will bless you.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act, by making it a point to listen to this podcast on a regular basis so you can move the needle forward in making your relationships the best they can be. You can do this, you really can, because You Were Made for This.

In the days ahead, we have a lot coming up that will make this wonderful quote from Walt Whitman a warm reality for you:

We were together, I forgot the rest.

Let that sink in for a moment. We were together, I forgot the rest.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Episodes mentioned above 051 More Than the Music
011 Relationship Skills - Level 1
112 Three Ways to Listen Well in 2021
095 What to Do When People Irritate Us
041 Thankful for the Cheerleaders in My Life

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Our fallen world makes it hard at times to see the real Christmas joy God gives us through his son Jesus. But if we’re open to finding it in unusual places it will show up sometimes in surprising ways.

In the Christmas story found in Luke’s gospel, we read where an angel of the Lord, along with “the glories of the Lord,” appear to shepherds on the outskirts of Bethlehem. It scares them to death. But then the angel tells them not to be afraid because “I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people.”

Why joy is sometimes hard to find Why then does joy seem so hard to find sometimes, even at Christmas and the days that follow?

In his book Christmas Joy, Mel Lawrenz writes,

Real joy never originates from within; it must come from without. Perhaps this is why so many of us have a difficult time finding joy at Christmas. Bite into a Christmas cookie and you might enjoy it. Open a shiny package and you might delight in what you find inside. But joy itself - true and pure - is so much more than enjoyment.

Joy is the startling realization that God has claimed territory in this world. He has taken back what belongs to him. Every day we can remind ourselves of this revelation - reignite this joy again and again. Joy is a thirst that doesn’t want to be quenched; a hunger that knows it will go on and on. It’s a good thing to never get enough of God.

He concludes with this prayer, Dear God, turn my fear into great joy.

A few years ago I talked in this podcast about an example of real Christmas joy coming from outside of ourselves, as Lawrenz puts it. It’s episode 006, “The Gift of Joy - Part 2.” I’ll have a link to it in the show notes. You can access it by going to johncertalic.com/006.

Summary of episode 006, The Gift of Joy - Part 2. To summarize that episode, I talked about

Melancholy Christmas carols
Joy being more like a cat than it is a dog
How joy often comes as a surprise
The beauty found in several types of relationships brings joy
Creating a welcoming place in our heart for joy to find us

For today, I want to comment further on the YouTube video I mentioned in that episode. It is of a flash mob in a food court from a shopping mall in Ontario, Canada. I’ll also have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes, so you can watch it for yourself later. It’s really an uplifting piece and is only about 4 and ½ minutes long.

There is so much Christmas joy in that video that comes from outside of ourselves. In measured sequence, a group of people begin to stand up, and one by one start singing the “Hallelujah Chorus” from Handel’s Messiah.

It’s a very moving piece and the local media outlet thought so too, as they ran filmed it and ran it on a local TV station that night. We learn later that the stunningly beautiful voices were from members of a church choir in the area.

Reactions to real Christmas joy Here are a few quotes from people who watched on TV a replay of the live event

“I’m not a religious person, but I found this video to be beautiful and it brought tears to my eyes, well done!”

“You can clearly see people crying… This is the most intense video I have ever seen on YouTube”

“I was deeply touched by this great performance.”

“Just watching the video nearly moves me to tears.”

“Every time I watch this I get the holy goosebumps and tears in my eyes. So powerful! THANK YOU!! and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!! Hallelujah!!!!!”

“I haven’t been to Mass in years, and I’m bawling my eyes out right now.”

“I watch this recording over and over again, because of its overwhelming impact. The happiness on the faces of those people performing, but also to those listening!”

“Though I am an atheist, yet I find myself coming back to this video over and over again. I love beautiful music and even more, I love seeing people enjoy it. I think this is wonderful!!”

Words of joy The sacrifice this church choir made on a Saturday to entertain and bless strangers in a shopping mall is a thing of beauty. They brought real Christmas joy to unsuspecting shoppers, and in return experienced it for themselves.

The joy on the faces of the singers was palpable. You can tell from their expression the choir actually believed what they were singing. Their voices connected with their hearts, and with the hearts of the people watching

The words they sang are quite simple:

There’s the phrase repeated in Latin, translated as “The kingdom of this world is become the kingdom of our Lord, and his Christ”

And He shall reign forever and ever

King of kings forever, Hallelujah

Lord of hosts

Lord of lords, Hallelujah

Handel is masterful in using just a few words from the last book in the Bible to create joy. He weaves lyrics together with beautiful melodies, bringing hope that there is a future for all of us outside of ourselves.

That the difficulties of this life will vanish one day, and that because of the king of kings and Lord of lords, You and I can begin living as God originally intended for all mankind. Forever and ever. That is real Christmas joy to end the year. And we found it in a food court in a shopping mall in Ontario Canada, of all places.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode Our fallen world makes it hard at times to see the real Christmas joy God gives us through his son Jesus. But if we’re open to finding it in unusual places it will show up sometimes in surprising ways. It may even come when we’re scared, as it did for the Shepherds in the Christmas story. Or in a food court at a shopping mall

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s show.

Closing In closing, this episode concludes season six of You Were Made for This. Season Seven starts next week.

To end the year with real Christmas joy I encourage you again to click on the two links at the end of the show notes to get the full flavor of what I’ve been talking about. Both the food court flash mob on YouTube, and then episode 006, “The Gift of Joy - Part 2”

Thanks so much for listening in. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act and to be on the watch for real Christmas joy throughout the year. Because as you know by now, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. See you next year, next season, next week, next Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Happy New Year, one and all!

More to Listen to Christmas Food Court Flash Mob 2010

Episode 006, “The Gift of Joy - part 2”

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The Christmas story for 2021, like the first one, is all about Jesus. Mary treasured its many details and thought about them often. May we do the same. So here's the original story told in Luke's Gospel, just as it happened:

At that time the Roman emperor, Augustus, decreed that a census should be taken throughout the Roman Empire. (This was the first census taken when Quirinius was governor of Syria.) All returned to their own ancestral towns to register for this census.

She gave birth to her first child, a son. She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because there was no lodging available for them.

An angel of the Lord appears That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby, guarding their flocks of sheep. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them. They were terrified, but the angel reassured them. “Don’t be afraid!” he said.

“I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger.

“Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others — the armies of heaven—praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.”

Enter the Shepherds When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, “Let’s go to Bethlehem! Let’s see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

All who heard the shepherds’ story were astonished, but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often.

The shepherds went back to their flocks, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen. It was just as the angel had told them.

~ Luke 2: 1-20 (NIV)

Merry Christmas, everyone.

____________________

I hope you enjoyed hearing or reading the Christmas Story one more time. Here are other episodes about Christmas from our podcast library you may listen to or read.

A Christmas Gift of Silence, episode 80

The Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection, episode 81

A Christmas Gift of Anticipation, episode 82

The Best Christmas Gift - Be With People in Community, episode 83

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The best way to have a Merry Christmas this year is to make it a Mary Christmas. Do what Mary, the mother of Jesus did. Observe, reflect, and ponder the joy of God saving us from ourselves. Listen in to learn how.

In the midst of all the busyness and activity of the holiday season, I’ve been thinking about how we can all enjoy Christmas a little better this year. For me, I find it restful to think back to that very first Christmas over 2,000 years ago.

The first Christmas Most of you know the story pretty well from the Bible. Joseph and Mary are in Bethlehem to be counted for a census. Mary is about to give birth, but there’s no lodging available. The town is packed with visitors.

Tradition has it that Jesus was born in a stable because Luke’s gospel makes reference to Jesus lying in a manager. What’s more likely though, is that he was born in one of the many shallow caves all around Bethlehem. I was there in the ‘80s on a Holy Land tour and saw several. Plenty of room for the manger, but the shepherds who visited probably gathered around the entrance to the small cave.

All of this is the backdrop to the climax of the story, where in Luke 2:19, we find this most soothing and reflective description of Mary,

…But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.

I’m convinced that if we viewed our Christmas as Mary viewed hers, our hearts would be as calm as hers. Instead of a M-e-r-r-y Christmas, we can have a M-a-r-y Christmas.

Mary observes To make it a Mary Christmas we start by observing, as Mary did. I can picture her taking note of the humble housing her baby, the son of God, is been born into. So in keeping with Mary’s own humble origins.

Being a first-time mother, I imagine she observed a sense of inadequacy within herself. On the one hand, “how am I going to do this? I’ve never been a mother before?” And on the other hand, “I know I can count on God to show me how to do this. After all, this story is not about me; it’s about him.”

As any mother would, Mary watches her baby, and those relating to him. There’s her husband Joseph. This good man who led her on the 95-mile journey on foot from Nazareth to Bethlehem.

Then there were the shepherds who came in from the fields excited to see what the angels told them would be lying in a manger. The word “but” in “… but Mary”, indicates a contrast between her and the shepherds. How different they are from her. She’s a city girl, while they are people of the land. They live outside, she lives inside.

A Mary Christmas includes everyone The shepherds were strangers to Mary. They left their sheep in the fields to go see what the angel described to them that they would find in the manger

The shepherds were more the extroverted types, telling people in Bethlehem what the angels told them and what they saw, both from the “great company of angels” and what they saw in the manger.

Mary gives a more measured and introverted response in her “treasuring up” and “pondering” about the birth of Jesus. How wonderful of God to use people so different from each other to further his purposes. Extroverts and introverts, and all people in-between, have a place at the table when it comes to praising God for sending his son Jesus to save us all.

I wonder about you? What are you observing concerning Christmas this year? Is there anything new that God might want you to notice? Anything external in the world around you? Anything internal within your mind and heart.

Mary reflects Having made observations around her and within her, Mary reflects. As Luke puts it, she … treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart..

What are “all these things” that she treasured and pondered?

For starters, I imagine Mary treasured the time when the angel came to tell her she was going to give birth to Jesus, and all the implications of this miracle. And now what Gabriel told her has now come to pass.

Another thing I suspect she treasured was going to see her Aunt Elizabeth and what Mary shared with her at the beginning of her pregnancy and the end of Elizabeth’s. The three months they spent together were priceless.

And then, how could she not reflect on the joy she feels having just given birth to Jesus? And the joy of being used by God to channel this great blessing into the whole world.

I bet she also treasured and pondered all the possibilities of what’s going to happen next, not just for her personally, but for the rest of humanity.

How about you? What does your Christmas cause you to reflect upon? Looking back in God’s involvement in your life, what can you treasure and think about? What could be the possible opportunities in your near and distant future you can treasure?

Mary acted Finally, notice the action words in Luke’s description, two verb phrases in

…But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.

“Treasure up” and “ponder in one’s heart.”

What action could God be calling you to engage in, as Mary did?

What would you do well to "treasure up?” Are there things you could ponder in your heart?

To take action like this might mean finding a quiet place and just sitting and thinking about the important things of life. To an outside observer it may appear you’re doing nothing. Just sitting there staring off into space. But in actuality it could be the most important action you take all day.

The best Christmas gift Like Mary, we can act by reflecting not only about what we love and appreciate about God, but also about what God thinks of us. I love this quote by Andrew Farley I came across recently,

“If there was one Christmas gift I could give all of us is, it would be the gift of knowing Jesus delights in you.”

I don’t think we do enough of this, pondering what God thinks about us. Imagine a God who loves us so much he sent his son away for 33 years to pay the penalty for something we did. 33 years of voluntary separation because of his love for all of us.

This is something we would do well to think about often and reflect upon in our hearts as Mary did. It would be good preparation for heaven, where we have no to-do lists. Nothing to accomplish, nothing to get done so we can move on to the next thing. Where we are never bored. Where our time will be taken up with marveling at all the wonders of God in its many manifestations.

Taking action like this will give us a glimpse of heaven every now and then and give us something to look forward to. And it will certainly help to make it a Mary Christmas this year.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode To have a merry Christmas this year, make it a Mary Christmas. Do what she did. Observe what’s happening in and around you. Reflect upon the meaning of what you see. And then act by pondering the joy of God entering into our world to save us from ourselves. This will guarantee you a Merry/Mary Christmas for sure.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to observe, reflect, and act. It’s one important way you can find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

One thing you could do to help us out is to leave a review and rating wherever you listen to this podcast. It helps others to find us on the Internet

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. But for now, Mary Christmas to all of you.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 005: The Gift of Joy - Part 1

135: Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy

131: Thankful to Be the Person God Created Us to Be

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills. You can support what we do with a secure, tax-deductible donation when you click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

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The Christmas story reminds us that a good man can bring much joy to the world when he quietly plays his part behind the scenes in furthering God’s redemptive plan for all of humanity. That’s what Joseph did, the earthly father of Jesus. And we can do the same. Listen in to learn how.

Joseph - silent night personified One of the most intriguing characters in the Christmas story is Joseph, the husband of Mary and earthly father of Jesus.

He plays such an important role in the biblical account of the birth of Jesus, yet we know so little about him. Joseph isn’t mentioned at all in Mark’s gospel. In the other gospel accounts he is briefly mentioned a few times in conjunction with Mary, as “Jesus’ parents.”

In John’s gospel, Jesus is referred to on two occasions as “the son of Joseph.”

I find Joseph intriguing because nowhere do we find him saying anything. He says nothing. Not one word. He’s the Marcel Marceau of the New Testament.

Yet Joseph doesn’t have to say anything for us to learn qualities from him we can take on as our own to bring joy to others and ourselves this Christmas season. Listen in to learn how.

What Luke’s Gospel tells us about Joseph In Luke’s gospel, which has the most detailed description of the birth of Jesus, Joseph is mentioned 5 times.

We learn from Luke that Joesph, a descendant of King David, is engaged to be married to Mary, and at the time is living in the village of Nazareth in Galilee. Luke tells us Joseph was present at the birth of Jesus in Bethlehem when the shepherds arrived to worship the Christ child. Later, Joseph and Mary presented Jesus together in the temple as the religious law required.

This is all that is mentioned about Joseph in Luke’s gospel.

Joseph In the Gospel of Matthew We learn the most about Joseph in Matthew’s gospel, where he is referenced 10 different times.

We learn that Joseph’s father is a man by the name of Jacob, which of course makes him the paternal grandfather of Jesus. I wonder who the maternal grandfather is, Mary’s father. Can you picture Jesus with his grandfather? It’s a bit of a stretch for me.

Here’s how Matthew begins the story of Christ’s birth. He writes:

This is how Jesus the Messiah was born. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. But before the marriage took place, while she was still a virgin, she became pregnant through the power of the Holy Spirit. Joseph, her fiancé, was a good man and did not want to disgrace her publicly, so he decided to break the engagement quietly.

Joseph’s character I’m struck by Luke’s description of Joseph as simply, he was a “good man.” Not a great man. Not a wonderful man, nor an awesome man. Just a “good man.” There is power in the simplicity of that one-word adjective, the only adjective used to describe Joseph - good. It carries a lot of weight, especially in today’s culture where we give out superlatives like water from a fire hydrant.

When we’re at a restaurant and the waitress asks what we want to drink and we tell her a glass of water is all we want and she replies, “Awesome. I’ll go get that and come back to take your order.” This is not awesome. If this is really awesome, what word do we use to describe the Grand Canyon, childbirth, or God himself? These are what are truly awesome.

“Good” is a really good word. Don’t you admire a “good” man? I do. I would love to be known as a good man. My son is a good man; so is our daughter’s husband. He’s a good man. My grandsons are on their way to being known as good men. Good is good enough.

I hope you take note of the good men in your life. Appreciate them. And if you’re a man, be a good one. Be a good man.

What a good man does Joseph shows us that part of being a good man is being kind to those who hurt you. Imagine for a minute you’re Joseph and your fiancé tells you she’s pregnant and you know you’re not the father. How would you feel? Mary must have explained to him what the angel Gabriel told her, but from the text we can see that Joseph didn’t believe her at first. He was ready to break off the engagement. I can just imagine him feeling betrayed and thinking:

“Here I’ve been pure in my relationship with Mary, but she goes off and gets pregnant by another guy, and then expects me to believe this wild and crazy story that the baby is from the Holy Spirit. And then she says he is going to be the Messiah our people have been waiting centuries for? What are people going to think when this gets out? Mary has gone off the deep end with this explanation.”

In the midst of feeling like this, Joseph, being the good man that he is, doesn’t want to humiliate Mary with a public end to their engagement, so he decides to end it quietly. He doesn’t want the problem to be any worse than it already is. He does what good men do, he doesn’t let the betrayal he feels come
out as anger at Mary. He plans to do what’s best for her, even though he’s got to feel torn up inside.

The gospel writer Matthew continues the story like this

As he [Joseph] considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream. “Joseph, son of David,” the angel said, “do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife. For the child within her was conceived by the Holy Spirit. When Joseph woke up, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded and took Mary as his wife. But he did not have sexual relations with her until her son was born. And Joseph named him Jesus. Matthew 1:18-25

A Good man listens to God I love this part of the Christmas story because it shows another aspect of being a “good man.” Joseph was willing to change his mind. He was willing to be open to something different than his initial, but understandable, knee-jerk reaction. It so reminds me of the profound but simple advice my first boss out of college gave me and all the new teachers at the school where I taught: never fall in love with your own idea. Joseph didn’t fall in love with his own idea of breaking off the engagement with Mary.

Instead, he listened to God who used an angel to speak to him in a dream that what Mary told him about her pregnancy is completely true. It’s like the angel is saying, “You can believe her, Joseph, she is the woman you always thought she was, in fact, she’s better than what you thought she was by virtue of the assignment God is giving her, and you, too, Joseph. You are definitely marrying up.”

There is a cost to believe and trust There is a cost to Joseph in choosing to believe God and trust Mary. Other people they know in Nazareth aren’t going to believe the supernatural when it runs counter to the natural. That’s how many people are. So Joseph is opening himself up to criticism in taking Mary as his wife.

But a good man, as Joseph is, doesn’t let Mary be the sole target of criticism. He joins her in believing God together, regardless of what his parents, her parents, all the relatives, and all the people in town think. They are in this together.

This is what good men do. They protect their wives as best they can. They don’t let them go through difficulties alone. How about you? If you’re a man, to what extent are you protecting the women in your life?

A good man handles his emotions well And another thing I love about this good man, Joseph, is how he handles his emotions. A lot of men have problems dealing with their emotions, but not Joseph from what we see in Matthews's account.

The angel tells him not to be afraid to take Mary as his wife because everything she’s told you about her pregnancy is true. You can believe her. He pushed through his fear by believing God and trusting Mary, even though all outward indications were pointing in the opposite direction.

Later we see Joseph acting in spite of his fear when he and his little family are hiding from Herod in Egypt after Jesus is born.

A good man pushes through his fears Herod eventually dies and an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and told him it’s safe to return to Israel. So Joseph gets up and takes Mary and Jesus back to Israel. He learns though, that Herod’s son has succeeded his father, and Joseph becomes fearful. But then he is warned in a dream and returns to Nazareth with Mary and Jesus anyway.

Joseph followed directions from God in spite of his fears. That’s what a good man does. He trusts God more than his emotions.

I think about the knee-jerk responses I sometimes have to events in my life, and how often they are proven not to be helpful. As much as possible, it is so much better to take our time in responding to our emotions, as Joseph did. I wonder about you. How relationally skilled are you in letting your emotions sit for a while before responding?

In Summary Except for King Herod and his son Archelaus, Christmas is in part a story of good men doing their best to follow God. Zechariah, wise men from the East, shepherds tending their flocks, Simeon, and of course, Joseph.

Good men who listen and obey God. Who protect the weak and vulnerable. Good men who function largely in the background to support the unfolding of God's redeeming story He brings into the world through … one woman.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode A good man is hard to find. But Christmas reminds us that good men like Joseph are out there, often in the background, not saying much. Their character and behavior tell us more than their words. Look for them. Be like them.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to reflect, as Joseph did, and then act by obeying what God wants from you. In doing so, you will find the joy God intends for you in your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week, with one more relationship story before Christmas. Until then, goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 134: A Better Kind of Christmas Joy

004: The Gift of Even Though

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When we celebrate together all the great things God has done for each of us, we experience a better kind of Christmas joy than the world experiences in Christmas traditions and family gatherings.

For example, as you and I think of the joy of Christmas what usually comes to mind? If you’re anything like me it’s friends and family getting together, it’s a Christmas tree and other holiday decorations, Christmas music, traditions or rituals we’ve done for years. One of my favorites is watching older Christmas movies like White Christmas, Holiday Inn, and my all-time favorite, It’s a Wonderful Life!

If you’re a fan of this flick you might want to check out episode 45, “Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made.” I’ll have a link to it in the show notes, or you can just go to johncertalic.com/45.

I find joy in all these things. But it’s a fleeting kind of joy. It’s like watching a bright yellow goldfinch landing at your bird feeder, picking at a few seeds, and then quickly flying off with them. The joy is so brief.

So it is with all the trappings of Christmas. This type of Christmas joy is all about reliving nostalgia for a brief time. Then it’s gone. Because so very little of the cultural customs of Christmas have anything at all to do with Jesus.

There’s a better kind of Christmas joy though. The joy found in relationships brought together by a relationship with Jesus. Today’s episode is an example. So keep listening.

The backstory of the Christmas story continues Last week we started a December series on what we can learn from the relationships that make up the back story to the Christmas story. In that episode, no. 133, A Jewish priest by the name of Zechariah modeled for us several helpful relationship principles. I’ll have a link to that episode in the show notes, or you can just go to johncertalic.com/133 to listen or read about it later.

Today, though, we look at another Christmas backstory relationship between two unlikely characters. What we see in their relationship will give us some ideas we can use to enhance our own relationships.

God sends an angel We pick up the story of this unlikely relationship in the first chapter of the Gospel of Luke. The first person in this relationship is Zechariah’s wife, Elizabeth. He describes her as “well along in years” and who has never been able to conceive a child. She is now 6 months pregnant when the apostle Luke introduces us to the 2nd person in this relationship with this:

… God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a village in Galilee, to a virgin named Mary. She was engaged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of King David. Gabriel appeared to her and said, “Greetings,favored woman! The Lord is with you!

Gabriel is the same angel that appeared to Zechariah to tell him that despite his advanced age, his equally aged-wife Elizabeth would give birth to a son who would become John the Baptist. We learn from Luke’s account that

Mary is in a relationship with this man Joseph. They’re engaged to be married. We’ll talk about him in a future episode. There is a better kind of Christmas joy in that story too.

Mary’s reaction to the news she receives For now, though, we see Gabriel greeting Mary, declaring she is a favored woman and that the Lord is with her. Her response and interaction with Gabriel illustrate a high degree of relational intelligence we can learn from.

Confused and disturbed, Mary tried to think what the angel could mean.

Mary deals with her emotional state by using her mind to process what she just experienced with this greeting from an angel. She tried to think of the implications of what just happened. Mary uses the cognitive ability God created her with to listen to what her emotions are trying to tell her.

Mary doesn’t just feel. Feelings are intended to lead us to think. Feelings are not the end game. They are a means to an end - understanding what is true at the moment we feel.

Gabriel is sensitive enough to pick up on Mary's emotional state. He starts by giving a name to her confused and disturbed condition: fear. And then tells her not to be afraid.

"Don’t be afraid, Mary,” the angel told her

Dealing with fear Many times when we’re confused and disturbed it is because we’re afraid of something. Try this out; the next time you’re interacting with someone who’s confused and disturbed, ask yourself, “I wonder what they might be afraid of?” The next time you feel this way, try asking yourself the same question, “What am I fearing?”
Now if Gabriel were to stop here, he could actually have made things worse with his “don’t be afraid” comment. This comment, without any explanation, could serve to minimize and discount Mary's fear.

But Gabriel doesn’t do this. Instead, he gives her reasons why she doesn’t need to be afraid. He gives Mary facts, information to address her fears. He points out what reality is going to be for her in the future. Gabriel gives her a vision for what her role will be in advancing God’s plan. He says “don’t be afraid…

for you have found favor with God! You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be very great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his ancestor David. And he will reign over Israel forever; his Kingdom will never end!

Mary asked the angel, “But how can this happen? I am a virgin.”

It helps to talk it out I love how Mary deals with her confusion and disturbed state. She talks about her feelings with someone. She talks with God’s representative. Mary goes to the source of her confusion and fear. What a great example for all of us when we are confused and afraid. Talk to God about it.

She doesn’t ignore her emotions. Mary uses them for the purpose God designed them. Namely, to try and figure out what is causing the emotion. What are my emotions trying to tell me? What is going on that I need to be aware of? It’s a cognitive act.

Mary asks for more information in order to understand her feelings. Sometimes all we need to ease our fears is to just ask questions of those who have the facts. Especially when our experience flies in the face of what we know to be true, as in Mary’s case. Virgins don’t give birth to babies.

Back to the story of Christmas Joy The angel replied, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the baby to be born will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God.

Gabriel gives her 3 facts to answer her question of “How can this be?

1.The Holy Spirit will come upon you,
2. The power of the Most High will overshadow you.
3. The baby to be born will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God.

This is an important relationship lesson. Some people just need a lot of information to allay any fears they may have. Gabriel continues:

But wait! There’s more to this story of Christmas joy What’s more, your relative Elizabeth has become pregnant in her old age! People used to say she was barren, but she has conceived a son and is now in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God.

Imagine what Elizabeth must have experienced coming out of 5 months of seclusion from her pregnancy. “Where was she?”, the townspeople must have wondered. Then when they see her, “Boy, it looks like old Elizabeth has put on a lot of weight.”

Here Gabriel tells Mary she isn’t the only one involved in this story, that Elizabeth is involved in part of it, too. In essence, he’s telling Mary that God is doing something that looks to be impossible with her relative too, just like he is doing with her. You’re in this together with her, Mary.

Mary responded, “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.” And then the angel left her.

I love the phrase, “I am the Lord’s servant.” Mary sees her role is to serve God’s plan. Not for God to serve hers.
I wonder in what way God wants you to be his servant? Some people will bristle at the thought, I know. But when you get right down to it, our life is not our own. Back to the story.

Mary visits Elizabeth A few days later Mary hurried to the hill country of Judea, to the town where Zechariah lived. She entered the house and greeted Elizabeth. At the sound of Mary’s greeting, Elizabeth’s child leaped for joy within her, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.

This raises several questions for me. What about Mary’s parents? How did they respond to their daughter suddenly taking off for 3 months to visit Elizabeth? Did she tell them what Gabriel told her? What about her fiancé, Jospeh? How did he feel about her being gone for so long? We know from Matthew’s gospel account that he was ready to break off the engagement when he learned Mary was pregnant.

Back to Luke’s account of a better kind of Christmas Joy Mary enters the home of Zechariah and Elizabeth, then

Elizabeth gave a glad cry and exclaimed to Mary, “God has blessed you above all women, and your child is blessed. Why am I so honored, that the mother of my Lord should visit me? When I heard your greeting, the baby in my womb jumped for joy. You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said.”

Elizabeth’s character Elizabeth is such an intriguing character. Unlike her husband Zechariah, she doesn’t doubt God when she learns she will become pregnant in her old age. She doesn’t question the meaning behind what God is doing, like Mary wonders. Elizabeth just basks in the joy of her childless shame being taken from her, and the joy of her connection with Mary and being a blood relative to Jesus the Messiah. Her baby jumps for joy literally in her womb because Elizabeth is jumping for joy figuratively.

Notice how their meeting begins, old Elizabeth is six months pregnant which must have been an astonishing sight to see. Her pregnancy is a miracle that has already happened, but instead of talking about that, Elizabeth talks about the miracle yet to come for Mary, giving birth to Jesus. She puts her full focus on Mary and says nothing about herself.

Be a friend like Elizabeth Wouldn’t it be great if we all had a friend like that? Someone whose first thought is to share in the joy of what you are experiencing, rather than to begin talking about her own joy? What a great relationship example here.

Another thing Elizabeth does is she finds joy in what is going to happen in the future. This is a better Christmas joy than the joy focused on what has come before. And it’s joy rooted in God’s unfolding plan to expand his kingdom. That’s real joy. A better Christmas joy. The best Christmas joy.

Finally, I wonder if Elizabeth’s last comment to Mary, You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said. I wonder if this is a bit of a dig at her husband Zechariah who did not initially believe the Lord would do as he said? Maybe he was in the same room or in proximity to overhear his wife’s comment to Mary. Maybe just a bit of banter going on between the two of them. We don’t know.

The Magnificat: Mary’s Song of Praise In this moment of shared joy with Elizabeth, Mary responds by praising God from the depth of her being. She gives voice to a better kind of Christmas joy than most of us experience on Christmas day. Here’s what she said:

…. Oh, how my soul praises the Lord.  How my spirit rejoices in God my Savior!  For he took notice of his lowly servant girl,  and from now on all generations will call me blessed.  For the Mighty One is holy,  and he has done great things for me.  He shows mercy from generation to generation  to all who fear him.  His mighty arm has done tremendous things!  He has scattered the proud and haughty ones.  He has brought down princes from their thrones  and exalted the humble.  God has filled the hungry with good things  and sent the rich away with empty hands.  He has helped his servant Israel  and remembered to be merciful.  For he made this promise to our ancestors,  to Abraham and his children forever.”

In her praise to God, she derives joy in thinking about all the great things he has done for her, but mostly joy in remembering all the great things God has done for humanity. He scatters the proud and elevates the humble. He meets the needs of the poor and sends the rich away empty-handed.

Clearly, God plays a central part in the connection Mary has with her elderly relative Elizabeth.

What about You? What part does God play in your relationship with people? Does God play a part in a relationship with you?

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode A better kind of Christmas joy comes our way when we focus on the great things God has done for us personally, the people we know and love, and for all of mankind.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and act by nurturing the better kind of Christmas joy found in our relationship with Jesus, and with each other. You can do this, you know because You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week about another important relationship we see in the Christmas story. See you next week.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 045: Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made

133: Relationships - The Back Story to the Christmas Story

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills. If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

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Relationships are the back story to the Christmas story. The cast of characters interacting with each other gives us role models to follow in our relationships this Christmas season. Follow along as we learn how to do it right from a key supporting actor in this most important story.

The problem with Christmas Here we are on the first of December, and I’ve got Christmas on my mind. I bet some of you do, too. One of my Christmas memories that resurfaced recently is the time years ago when the pastor of the church we were attending didn’t preach anything at all about the Christmas story, until the last Sunday before Christmas. And even then it was just a tip of the hat with some cursory acknowledgment of the event. We didn’t even sing any of the beautiful Christmas carols people have sung for centuries. I was disappointed. Something was missing.

Yet in some ways I could understand the pastor. For several years I facilitated a mastermind group for pastors and they talked about how challenging it was to preach sermons about Christmas. It was hard to come up with something new, something creative, something they and others have not already said.I spoke about this in episode 80, A Christmas Gift of Silence.

Imagine you’re 50 years old and have been preaching since you were 25, that’s 25 Christmas sermons. And not just Christmas Day, or the Sunday before, but all of December. 4 times 25 is 100 Christmas sermons. A good math problem for a 3rd-grade homeschooler. I can see why pastors might find it hard to preach about Christmas if they feel they have to come up with something fresh and creative.

Relationships are the back story to the Christmas story In my view though, Christmas is not something to be creative about. Hip-hop, rap, or bluegrass Christmas carols just ruin it for me. Be creative about Lent, but please, not Christmas.

If I were a pastor, I would preach about the relationships we see in the back story to Christmas story. They are the backstory to the main story of Christmas, Jesus entering the human race to reconcile all of us to himself. That’s what I would do if were a pastor. Maybe that’s why the offers to be one have not exactly poured in (or maybe they don’t have my address or phone number).

You could make a case that the back story to Christmas starts in the Garden of Eden, where the coming of Jesus is foretold in Genesis 3:15. But for our purposes, we’ll jump in where the apostle Luke picks things up closer to the actual birth of Christ.

In leading up to the main story of Jesus’ birth, there is an interesting cast of characters who illustrate relationship principles we can all benefit from. Things that could get us through the holidays in good spirits. Lessons about relating to each other, relating to our own self, and most importantly, relating to God. So that’s what we’ll be doing today, and for the rest of the weeks leading up to Christmas. Stay tuned to give a listen.

The cast of characters in the Christmas story From Luke’s gospel, where we find the most detail of the Christmas story, we see references to 7 individual people, 2 separate angels, a large group of townspeople, a small group of shepherds, an army of angels, and of course, Jesus as a baby. Quite a cast of characters. No wonder the Christmas story was the subject of so many grade school plays in years gone by; the whole school could have a part.

Zechariah For today though, Let’s just focus on one character. I’m going to go with Zechariah. From the first chapter of Luke’s gospel, we know that Zechariah is

A Jewish priest
Righteous in God’s eyes, “careful to obey all the Lord's commandments and regulations”
Old, married to an old wife, with no children

He was the subject of episode 80 that I mentioned before, and I’ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes.

I have a few more thoughts about him today, specifically to see what we can learn from watching how he relates to other people, himself, and God. It’s the Observe skill we’ve been talking about this year.

Zechariah’s relational moments In observing Zechariah’s relational moments in the back story to the Christmas story, we first see him becoming fearful when he encounters an angel in the sanctuary of the temple in Jerusalem.

The angel is Gabriel and he tells him his elderly wife is going to get pregnant and give birth to a son after all these years of no children. He tells Zechariah the wonderful plans God has for his son, who is to be called “John.” Gabriel shares the very significant role his son will have in carrying out God’s plan.

In spite of this wonderful news, Zechariah doubts the angel and God who sent him. He wants certainty about the words from God. “How can I be sure this will happen?”, he says (Luke 1:18).

We’re like this sometimes when we doubt God. It’s another way of saying “I don’t know if I can trust God.” That’s what we’re really doubting, our trust in God. Our need for certainty exposes our lack of trust.

Later in the Christmas story, we see Mary in a similar situation as Zechariah when Gabriel tells her she is going to give birth to Jesus the Messiah. Mary asks, ” But how can this happen? I am a virgin.” (Luke 1:34) Unlike Zechariah, her response isn’t doubt or lack of trust; it’s wanting to understand the process, the next step. She’s not looking for “how can I be sure” like Zechariah is.

When we don’t trust God there can be negative consequences, as there was for Zechariah. Gabriel tells him that because he doesn’t believe him, he won’t be able to talk until his son is born. Nine months of silence from Zechariah’s lips.

Fortunately for Zechariah, and for us, God’s discipline isn’t a death sentence. It doesn’t last forever. God doesn’t give up on Zechariah, and he doesn’t give up on you and me either.

Visit from a relative The next relational interaction we observe with Zechariah occurs when he receives Mary, the soon-to-be mother of Jesus, into his home with his wife Elizabeth for a three-month visit. This is after Gabriel tells Mary she is to give birth to Jesus and at the same time, he says that her relative Elizabeth is also pregnant.

Some scholars think Elizabeth is Mary’s aunt [pronounced “ant’], other scholars think she is Mary’s aunt [pronounced “Auh-nt”]. And still other theologians speculate that Mary is Elizabeth’s niece. We’ll let the scholars and theologians battle that out. It keeps them employed and off the dole.

I find it interesting that the text says Mary went to where Zechariah lived, not where Elizabeth lived. (Luke 1:39 and 56).

What a kind gesture for Zechariah to have his routine interrupted with a visit from a relative who stays three months. He and Mary must have had a good relationship for this to occur. Zechariah may have had a sense that Mary’s visit would be good for his elderly pregnant wife, Elizabeth.

Have you ever had people outside of your family move in to live with you for any length of time? Janet and I have done this a number of times. It’s an interruption to be sure. And some guests are more high maintenance than others. But in all the instances I can remember, we gained more than we gave up. You might want to try it sometime.

What will the neighbors think? Another relational lesson we learn from Zechariah comes up when his son is born. Neighbors and relatives want the baby to be named after his father, but very forcefully Zechariah communicates in writing, “His name is John,” which at that point his speech finally returns, just as Gabriel said it would (Luke 1:63).

It takes strength of character to go against the preferences of neighbors, friends, and relatives. And against tradition. But Zechariah did. He obeyed God, rather than man. And sometimes that’s difficult. It was for Zechariah back then, and it’s true for us now.

Sometimes when we obey God, we may disappoint important people in our life. But doing what God wants us to do always trumps pleasing people. God is not a fan of people pleasers. This is a great lesson in relating to God and other people. It's an important part of the back story to the Christmas story.

Zechariah’s first words after nine months of silence We also learn some relational lessons from Zechariah when his speech returns after his son John is born. Zechariah could have complained about his punishment of silence. Instead, he took his discipline from God like a man. He realized he was wrong for doubting God, and accepted the consequences.

When Zechariah’s speech finally returns he puts his past doubts about God to rest. He moves forward praising God with a prophecy as his very first words:

"Praise the Lord, the God of Israel, because he has visited and redeemed his people. He has sent us a mighty Savior from the royal line of his servant David, just as he promised through his holy prophets long ago.

“Now we will be saved from our enemies and from all who hate us. He has been merciful to our ancestors by remembering his sacred covenant--
the covenant he swore with an oath to our ancestor Abraham.

“We have been rescued from our enemies so we can serve God without fear,
in holiness and righteousness for as long as we live.” (Luke 1:67-75)

You and I have the same opportunity as Zechariah. We can either use God’s discipline to push us away from Him or to draw us closer to Him. The choice is ours.

A Father casts a vision for his son Besides this lesson, there’s that moment when Zechariah looks down at his new-born son and says to him:

"And you, my little son, will be called the prophet of the Most High, because you will prepare the way for the Lord. You will tell his people how to find salvation through forgiveness of their sins.

“Because of God's tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace.” Luke 1:76-79

I love how tender Zechariah is with his baby, when he turns his attention from praising God, to casting a vision for his little boy. There’s no reason men can’t be tender with their babies. Don’t leave the nurturing to just mothers. Bless your children and give them a vision for what they can become, Just like Zechariah did.

A place in history Besides Zechariah’s relationship with people and with God, I so appreciate how he recognizes his place in history and his role in advancing God’s story of redemption. Like millions before him, he has been waiting for the Messiah.

But now, as crazy as it seemed to him, Zechariah has been given a supporting role in the birth and parenting of a boy who one day will become John the Baptist. And John himself will play a major supporting role in preparing the way for Jesus in bringing the good news of the Gospel to the world. These important relationships are the back story to the Christmas story.

You know, we all have the opportunity to play a role in advancing God’s kingdom. Jesus is the lead actor in God’s great drama; that’s his role. He’s the star. But he wants us on stage with him as supporting actors. What a great privilege. I wonder what your role is? If you’re not sure how to answer this, I bet if you were to ask Jesus he would show you the supporting part he wants you to play.

And one final thing about Zechariah and his relationship with his son. His boy, who grows to be John the Baptist, becomes more of an influencer than he does. John impacts more people in telling them about Jesus than the role God called his father to play. And from what we know of Zechariah, I’m sure he’s perfectly fine with that.

May the same be true of all of us who have children. May we rejoice with them when their influence on God’s kingdom exceeds ours.

Here’s the big takeaway I hope you remember from today’s episode Relationships are the back story to the Christmas story The cast of characters interacting with each other gives us role models we can follow. They teach us how to relate with each other, with ourselves, and with God. Let’s pay attention to them.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to reflect on the supporting role God is calling you to play in his grand design for the human race. And then to play it out the best you can, for as you know, You Were Made for This.

Lastly, one thing you could do to help us out is to leave a review and rating wherever you listen to this podcast. It helps others to find us on the Internet.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week when we look at another relationship interaction in the back story to the Christmas story. Goodbye for now.

A related episode you may want to listen to 080: A Christmas Gift of Silence

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We enrich our lives when we pause to observe and reflect upon our experiences. We’ll then more easily notice the blessings to be thankful for. Even blessings that we rarely consider. That's what today's episode is all about.

Many of us here in the US will sit down tomorrow for Thanksgiving dinner. It’s custom in many homes to go around the table with each person expressing something they’ve been thankful for in the past year. One year when our kids were very little one of them blurted out “I’m thankful that when I say the number 7 I don’t explode.” Giggles would follow. It’s hard being thankful in the midst of giggling.

A more common response to what are you thankful for invokes family, friends, and good health. Not to minimize these blessings of gratitude, for today, though, I want to consider other blessings we can be thankful for that we rarely consider.

Black Friday and commerce A few years ago a missionary serving overseas posted on Facebook her disgust with Black Friday and commercialism of life back in the US. She went on for several paragraphs chastising Americans for our materialism in no uncertain terms. Black Friday appalled her.

I’m no fan of materialism, but I’m a big fan of Black Friday.

The term “Black Friday” came about to describe businesses that finally get out of the red for the year. It’s isn’t until shopping picks up after thanksgiving that they finally turn a profit and get into the black, where income (the black)starts to exceed expenses (the red). It’s sort of an accounting term.

If it weren’t for commerce, where would missionary support come from? Black Friday indirectly supports missionaries and the spread of the Gospel. It enables businesses to provide jobs for people that in turn provides income for people to support their families and support local and global ministries, like missions. So I say three cheers for Black Friday!

One Sunday several years ago Janet and I went to the church our executive producer Carol and her husband Terry attend. As part of the church service, they prayed for a local business. That it would be successful in serving its customers and providing jobs for people. What a wonderful outreach to the community, I thought.

Without Black Friday * A single friend of ours living on social security we spoke to just recently would not have a seasonal job to supplement her meager government income * Two of our grandsons would not be able to pick up additional hours at their part-time jobs to help pay for their college expenses * People would have fewer opportunities to express one of the five love languages Gary Chapman writes about: Gifts. While some people undoubtedly shop for themselves on Black Friday, most shop for Christmas gifts for others. It’s about the love. Don’t you feel it?

Bethany Fellowship in Minneapolis I wonder if the missionary I mentioned who blasted the consumer mentality of Americans knows the story of Bethany Fellowship in Minneapolis.

It was founded by five businessmen in 1945 with the vision of sending and fully supporting 100 missionaries.
The families of these five businesspeople sold their homes and pooled their resources to acquire a common residence, a large, 30-room home in Minneapolis called “Bethany House.” They did this to reduce unnecessary work and expenses so more time and money would be available for working together to support sending missionaries to the mission field.

To fully support these missionaries they started several businesses, the most successful of which were Bethany camping trailers and Bethany House Publishers.

Bethany Global University is another of their initiatives. It prepares future missionaries to take the Gospel to the far corners of the world. All of this was started over 70 years ago by five businessmen.

It is a great story of using the world of commerce for Kingdom purposes.

It’s certainly out of the mainstream of what we normally give thanks for on Thanksgiving, but Black Friday and the world of commerce are certainly blessings to be thankful for.

Humor In 1993 a great book came out that never really took off with readers. It should have. The Resilient Self: How Survivors of Troubled Families Rise Above Adversity by Steven and Sybil Wolin. It raises, then answers the question, “Why do people who grow up with difficult childhoods often turn out so differently as adults?” Some become dysfunctional adults, while others thrive. In their research, they found that those who later thrive as adults do so because they develop one or more of seven resiliences. One of which is humor.

Humor got me through adolescence. I wasn’t a class clown; I didn’t entertain people with jokes. But I did find comfort in noticing incongruities in life, in puns, and satire.

My wife Janet and I went to high school together, and she was the co-editor of our high school newspaper. We weren’t dating at the time, but she saw my humor come out in the few classes we were in together. So she asked if I would write a column for the school paper, which I did for two years. “Off the Beaten Path” is what it was called. It was supposed to be funny. And sometimes it was.

I loved writing it and found it got my eyes off all the tension and dysfunction going on at home with my parents.

Humor is a tricky thing, though. It can connect us with one another, or it can separate us. Humor that comes out as silliness, sarcasm, or making fun of others pushes people away. And even good humor, when used too often, can draw undue attention to self, which bores people and distances us from each other.

You need humor in Africa I learned about humor from a missionary’s perspective a number of years ago. It was on my first missions trip, which was to Mali in West Africa. Mali is where Timbuktu is located. One of the Missionaries there talked about the importance of language learning. If you don’t learn the native language well, he said, you’ll miss out on the humor of the culture. You’ll miss the puns. You’ll miss the jokes, he said. And you won’t fit into the culture.

When done well, humor is a blessing we can be thankful for. It brings us together when we laugh about shared experiences. A while back we were leaving church and while walking past cars in the parking lot saw a friend in her car who rolled down the window and began chatting with us. She started by saying, “Did you hear the news this morning? The CEO of Ikea was just elected president of Sweden?

“Really? No, I hadn’t heard that,” I said.

“Yes, and he’s assembling his cabinet now.” She responded.

If I were to explain why that joke is funny it would take away from the humor. But in the days afterward, I re-told it to friends and family, and we shared a good laugh each time. It connected us.

So when I think about that particular Thanksgiving many years ago when our young son blurted out “I’m thankful that when I say the number 7 I don’t explode,” it reminds me of how parents can bless their children by helping to nurture in them a sense of humor.

So humor is the second blessing I’m thankful for. Here’s the third one.

Gracious and thankful people Two months ago in September 2021, the Art Institute of Chicago fired all 82 of its docents because they were not diverse enough in the eyes of the museum's leadership. They were mostly older white women who volunteered their time to give guided tours of the Institute’s extensive art collection. They averaged 15 years of experience.

This prompted a letter to the editor of the Wall Street Journal by Lauren Arnold of Mountain View, CA. I’ll read part of her October 20th letter. She writes:

“The foolish and shortsighted firings of volunteer docents at the Art Institute of Chicago will destroy decades of enlightened outreach to the public-school children of this major city [i.e., Chicago]. I know this because I owe my entire career as an art historian to the docents of the Art Institute of Chicago.

“My parents never took us to art museums - ‘those are for rich people’ - so my first introduction to Chicago’s art treasures was on a 7th-grade public-school field trip, when our rowdy busload of racially diverse, working-class kids was met by a brave young docent who took us through the institute’s awe-inspiring galleries. I’ve never forgotten that day. It was akin to Harry Potter’s first visit to Hogwarts. We floated up the marble staircases gazing at the enormous paintings of Greek myths, and walked through galleries of Impressionist works beyond compare.

When it looks like no one listened “Our docent told us: ‘You live in Chicago, so this is your art. This building and everything in it belongs to you. Like your library, you can come here anytime you want. All of this beauty belongs to you.’ At the end of our tour, she got us on our bus to the South Side and waved us a rueful goodbye. Her face showed that she already knew that not a single one of us had listened to her, that none of these kids cared.

“But she was wrong: My 12-year-old self was listening and her words set me on a path that shaped my professional life. I credit the docent program of the Art Institute of Chicago, with its highly educated women volunteers, for providing this invaluable outreach to city kids, who never would have known it without them.

“…that day this volunteer was an intellectual wizard, pointing me toward a life beyond my childhood schooling in Chicago’s slums. She took us into one aspect of our civilizational past and made us heirs of the beauty of humanist culture.”

What a beautiful piece of writing that comes from the heart to express the writer’s deep gratitude for the passion a docent imparted to her 12-year-old self.

So what does all this mean for YOU? I wonder what are the unusual blessings you can be thankful for? What are the unremarkable things in your life, that if you reflect upon, will evoke gratitude?

I wonder how you might use humor to help you connect with people, and perhaps ease tension in a relationship.

And then there are the grateful people we are sometimes blessed to have in our life. People we just like to be around because they so appreciate the little and simple things of life. Maybe we could try to follow their example so that others are drawn to us as we become a blessing they can be thankful for.

If we ask Him, I bet God would show us how to do this.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode We enrich our lives when we take time to observe and reflect upon our experiences. When we do so we’ll more easily notice the blessings to be thankful for.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act by considering the blessings in your life to be thankful for. In doing so you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

One thing you could do to help us out is to leave a review and a rating wherever you listen to this podcast. It helps others to find us on the Internet.

Well, that’s all for today. Happy Thanksgiving to all our American listeners. See you next week at the very beginning of December. Goodbye for now.

A related episode you may want to listen to 004: The Gift of Even Though

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Today’s episode is about being thankful we can be the person God created us to be, in whatever form that may take. It’s the third in our Thankfulness series, leading up to Thanksgiving Day next week here in the US. Our Canadian friends beat us to the punch with their own Thanksgiving on the second Monday in October.

We started our series with episode 129, Thankful We Don’t Always Have to be Right, followed by Thankful We Can Make Memories in Episode 130. I’ll have links to each of these at the bottom of the show notes.

The story of one strong woman Today we’re going to consider a story from the Bible that illustrates an important relational concept we can be thankful for. It’s found in the Gospel of Mark, chapter 14, verses 3-9.

3Meanwhile, Jesus was in Bethany at the home of Simon, a man who had previously had leprosy. While he was eating, a woman came in with a beautiful alabaster jar of expensive perfume made from essence of nard. She broke open the jar and poured the perfume over his head.

4Some of those at the table [i.e, disciples of Jesus, mostly men, including Judas Iscariot] were indignant. "Why waste such expensive perfume?" they asked.5"It could have been sold for a year's wages and the money given to the poor!" So they scolded her harshly.

6But Jesus replied, "Leave her alone. Why criticize her for doing such a good thing to me? 7You will always have the poor among you, and you can help them whenever you want to. But you will not always have me.8She has done what she could and has anointed my body for burial ahead of time. 9I tell you the truth, wherever the Good News is preached throughout the world, this woman's deed will be remembered and discussed."

What caught my eye in this passage was the last line, 9… this woman's deed will be remembered and discussed. I remembered this story, as I’ve read it a number of times, but don’t ever recall discussing it.

Two sisters, different from each other “Who’s talking about this story?” I wondered.

I then looked at parallel accounts in the other gospels and found the same story in John 12: 1-8 and Matthew 26: 6-13. These two accounts mention the woman in the story is named Mary. She happens to be the sister of Martha, both of whom are sisters of Lazarus. And this is how I found out who’s talking about this woman’s story.

It’s other women who are talking.

Countless women’s bible studies talk about Mary and her sister, Martha. We learn in other places in the gospels that Martha is the practical, task-oriented one, while Mary is the relational more feelings oriented sensitive sister. They both are poster children for being the person God created them to be.

There have been a gazillion sermons preached about their relationship, about the priority Mary placed on worshiping Jesus and relating with others, while her sister is slaving away in the kitchen. These sermons always elevate Mary's values over Martha, which really is the main point of this particular story: that our worship and relationship with Jesus are far more far important than our to-do list and completing tasks. I get that.

But there is a secondary part of this story that focuses on the character and personality of Mary that I find both interesting and encouraging. In Mary, we see someone who has learned that we can be thankful to be the person God created us to be.

Created to be different God created Mary to be different from her practical, task-oriented sister, Martha, and to be different from the mostly male disciples who were equally pragmatic and practical as Martha when it came to how they spent their money.

In relating with Jesus, Mary was being the person God created her to be. That doesn’t mean she didn’t have things to work on in her life. But she was reflecting the character of God well. She was reflecting the hierarchy of God’s values in the story I read from the Gospel of Mark. God certainly values feeding the poor and being wise with our finances. But He values worshiping and honoring His son more.

Mary was comfortable enough in her own skin to be the person God created her to be in the face of criticism from others. It’s one thing to face opposition from outsiders, it’s another thing to get it from within your own tribe. From people whose worldview and mission in life is the same as yours, as in Mary’s case with her fellow Jesus followers, the disciples.

Mary was not a people pleaser, she had to stand up to her sister, and also to the crowd of men who were in the same room as she was in this story. They were all on the same team, yet they had differing values. She must have beena sensitive, yet strong woman to stand up to the peer pressure from these male disciples.

When we’re not the person God created us to be In reflecting upon this story, it occurred to me that the cost of not being who God created you to be is high. There’s a loss when you try to be someone else because who you really are is lost to the world. The contribution God intends for you to make to the world doesn’t happen when you’re busy trying to be someone you’re not.

People who could have been blessed when you be the person God created you to be, miss out on that blessing.

We create a fertile field of relational dysfunction when we choose not to be the person God created us to be. One way we do this is by selling ourselves short with self-limiting attitudes and behaviors. We impose restrictions on ourselves that God never intended. We say “no” more than “yes” to opportunities to stretch ourselves in becoming the person God created us to be.

Another way we create relational dysfunction for ourselves is when we don’t respect the limits God placed within us. It’s when we think we can do it all, where we say “yes” more than we say “no” to choices that come our way. We ignore the relational principle of every time we say “yes” to something we are saying “no” to something else. It’s when we become a people pleaser, thinking our job is to make people happy, even if it’s beyond the limits God has set for us to do so.

All this happens when we choose not to be the person God created us to be. It is a choice.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? I would start with the great quote from Oscar Wilde who said, “Be yourself; everyone else is taken.”

There’s too much pressure to live under when we feel we have to be someone we’re not. There’s great freedom and joy that comes from resting in the fact we can be the person God created us to be.

Like Mary in the story we read, we can be thankful we don’t have to be like other people. Even like those close to us like family members or people we work with. The only person we need to please is Jesus. And He will show us how to do so, which may be completely different than the way he shows other people.

As long as we’re all on the same page with Jesus, We don’t have to be like others. And others don’t have to be like us.

Oh, and one last thought. Let’s not be like the disciples in the story I read in the beginning. Don’t make it difficult for others to be the person God created them to be. Be their cheerleader instead.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode God created us in his image to reflect his character well, so be thankful we can be the person God created us to be, in whatever form that is.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to reflect on how you can be thankful to be the person God created you to be. And also to consider how you can help others be the person God created them to be. In doing so, you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 129: Thankful We Don’t Always Have to be Right
130: Be Thankful We Can Make Memories

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A few weeks ago Episode 125, dropped, How to Relate When They Come Home From College. It evoked interesting responses from two listeners. If you missed that episode, I’ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes.

Both responses reminded me of something we can be thankful for as we close in on Thanksgiving Day here in the US. Namely, we can be thankful we have the privilege of creating memories for people. Keep listening to learn how.

First listener response A listener in Virginia wrote after listening to that episode the following:

“Hey John,
Great podcast this week (as always), but this one was nostalgic, bringing thoughts of my folks and how I couldn’t wait to see them my first Thanksgiving away from home. It seemed like a long semester and a long trip home (600 miles), but I remember my Mom fixed my favorite dishes, and my Dad was ready with lots of hugs and even more questions. He wanted to listen, and so did Mother!”

The show our listener is referring to was directed to the parents of a returning college student, while her response highlights the effect her parents’ welcoming had on her. They did it right. They created a great memory for her: favorite foods, lots of hugs, and listening, complete with many questions.

The listener is a personal friend of Janet and mine. To put her comments in context, our friend is many decades past her college years, yet this memory still sticks with her. I doubt if her parents gave any thought when they welcomed her daughter home from college for the first time that it would create such a lasting memory in her daughter. Knowing that her parents passed away within the past several years makes this all the more meaningful.

We can certainly be thankful we have the privilege of creating memories for people. The good ones, like this one, have a long shelf life

Second listener response This one comes from our daughter Jennifer who lives in South Carolina. She wrote:

“I just saw this email [the one I send each Wednesday morning previewing that week’s episode], but you would be happy to know that on Wednesday night when Tim [her husband our son-in-law] was driving to get Nathan [their son], I thought to put a pizza in the oven for when they got here. So when Nathan got home at 10:30 pm, a pizza was waiting for him.

“We told him the last time he was home about this tradition you had started and how we wanted it to live on for him! So the legacy continues. Pizza upon arrival home from college!

“Thanks for making my childhood (and into adulthood) so great!. I love you…”

Her response really touched me in thanking me for making her childhood a great one. My wife Janet played a huge part in that, too.

It also touched me that she appreciated this pizza tradition that she wanted to carry forward with her son. Nathan loves pizza anyway, but to know one was awaiting him when he returned home from college for his fall break brought me joy.

My legacy I guess my legacy will be about pizza. I can see it on my tombstone now,

Here lies John Certalic

He made pizza possible

So here we have two listeners sharing fond memories of the childhood their parents created for them. For some of us, our childhood was a stage of life we would just as soon forget. I’m one of those people. I can’t think of any happy memories growing up. But despite that, there is one great memory my mother created for me when I was in my 40s.

I wrote about it in my book, THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. I’ll read a few paragraphs about this memory

A memory created coming home from the hospital Several years after Dad retired, I got a phone call from Mom to tell me she was at the hospital with Dad. She called 911 when he fell out of his chair watching TV and then rode with him in an ambulance to the hospital. He had suffered a stroke and would be staying in the hospital. She asked if I could come and pick her up, as there was nothing more she could do that night.

I drove down to the hospital to get her and take her back home, which became the first of many such trips with her. She still drove herself but was quite nervous about this dramatic change in her life. So for those first few weeks, I often picked her up, and we visited Dad together. On one such occasion, coming home after a hospital visit, we stopped for a red light at an intersection close to her home, the home where I spent almost all of my growing-up years.

As we came to a stop, she suddenly burst into tears and cried out, “I am so sorry for how I raised you—all the yelling and hitting. You didn’t deserve any of that. I am so sorry. I am so sorry.”

An apology makes a memory Her apology was one of the most surprising things that ever happened to me. In fact, the story I just shared appears in chapter 14, “Three Surprises.”

It confirmed for me that I hadn’t made up memories of my dysfunctional childhood in my head. She confirmed reality for me. That what I remember happening actually did occur. I had forgiven my parents for all that a long time ago and didn’t need my mother’s apology. But her heartfelt expression of remorse was a wonderful gift my mother gave me. It’s one of the most meaningful memories I’ve ever experienced.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to enhance the relationships in your life?

While it’s wonderful to be on the receiving end of memories others create for us; we can be thankful we can make memories for others ourselves. It will bring out the best in us as we create an experience someone will remember for the rest of their life.

And it’s never too late to start. My mother created that memory I mentioned for me when she was in her 60s.

My son and his wife created a memory a number of years ago their three kids will remember the rest of their lives. It started when they were all in elementary school. On the last day of school, when the school bus dropped

the kids off in front of their house, they got a big surprise from their parents. Out from behind some bushes or from behind the house, their parents came
running out brandishing military-style water guns, soaking their children with water as they ran around the yard trying to avoid them. I think Janet and I even got in on the act one year.

A memory that topped all others The June 2020 water soaking was the best ever. The twin boys had just finished their senior year of high school, and their sister 10th grade. On that last day of school, they came home in a car they shared. As they approached their home and drove into their driveway, they were greeted by two firetrucks on the road that sprayed their car with water. And then each of them as they got out of the vehicle. It was the mother of all end-of-school-year memories!

I wrote about it in a Father’s Day blog post for June 2020. Click here if you’d like to read more about it.

All this to say, what memories can you create for someone this month? Perhaps even to apologize to someone who least expects it, just as my mother did for me.

It’s an important relational principle that we can be thankful we can make memories that will enrich someone’s life. It’s a great way to celebrate Thanksgiving Day and every day.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode We can be thankful we can make memories for people. It’s never too late to start. It’s a privilege to bless someone else in ways they will remember for the rest of their lives.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to make a memory for someone. When you do, you will find some of the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to being with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

A related episode and blog post you may want to check out Episode 125: How to Relate When They Come Home From College

Blog post mentioned above: Dads Spark Joy When They Create Memories

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Be thankful we don’t always have to be right, for it will free us from having to defend ourselves, which allows us to relate better with people. It's the topic we consider in today's episode.

We can now put Halloween and all its creepiness in our rear-view mirror and head toward Thanksgiving Day here in the US, a much more meaningful holiday. We’ll come upon it in just four weeks, the 4th Thursday of November.

And rather than focusing on that one day for what we’re thankful for, I’ll be using the following four weekly episodes to reflect upon this most important relational principle of gratitude. Thankfulness, gratitude, appreciation are all important qualities that bring joy into our relationships

I did this something similar in 2019 in episodes 41- 44. I’ll have links to them in the show notes.

For these next four weeks, though, I want us to think more deeply about being thankful for more than just our family and good health, those two everyday items of gratitude that often come up at Thanksgiving dinner.

I hope you stick with me because I’m confident you’ll pick up an idea or two to enhance your relational skills that will deepen your relationships.

I’ll start with a story that happened to my wife Janet and me a few weeks ago. It's about what happens when we don't always feel the need to be right.

Our happy place We took a two-day getaway trip to our favorite happy place, Door County, Wisconsin. We love the water, which is everywhere, the picturesque state park, and the slow pace of life there. Janet loves going into many of the quaint shops while I wait in the car and read. I’m not into quaint. She is.

On our way out of town, as we headed home on the last day of our trip, we stopped to buy apples and cherries. It’s what this part of the state is known for, along with a few pumpkins. As I pulled out of the store's parking lot where we bought the pumpkins, I had to make a left turn unto a busy two-lane highway. Our car was at an awkward angle to see cars coming from my right because the headrest on the passenger seat blocked part of my view.

I could partially see a car off in the distance, and Janet was watching it too and then said, “It’s all clear; you can pull out.” So I stepped on the gas and turned left onto the highway. As I gained speed, I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw the car I thought was in the distance, right up against the rear of our car—both of us driving at high speeds. I stepped harder on the gas, and the other car slowed down.

“I don’t think it was all clear, Janet. That car was right up on my tail,” I said.

“Sorry,” she said. She didn't defend herself or feel the need to be right.

I quickly forgot about the car behind us, and we continued down the highway for a few miles, at which point I pulled into a gas station to fill up.

An awkward encounter While pumping gas, and out of nowhere, a girl pops out from the other side of the pump.

She was wearing torn blue jean shorts, tattoos up and down both arms, a bare midriff with a ring in her navel, and another one in her nose. Her partially pink hair was in a bun on top of her head.

With both hands on her hips, she said to me, “You know you almost caused an accident back there when you pulled into the road. I almost ran into you.”

I then recognized her car and, without thinking, said, “We’ll you were going pretty fast” as I continued to pump gas.

The girl fights back “No, I wasn’t. The speed limit is 55, and that’s what I was going. I’ve been driving for five years now, and I really had to slam on the brakes to avoid crashing into you.” She implied that her five years of driving experience was all I needed to know about her motor vehicle expertise. I’ve been driving for many more decades than her.

Humpf. What I wanted to say was, “Well, my wife said it was all clear for me to pull out.” But I didn’t want to throw Janet under the bus and blame her. Janet later said, “Oh, that would have been okay with me; you could have told her that.” She said it wouldn’t bother her if I had thrown her under the bus. She’s comfortable in her own skin, and despite what the girl said, she still thought the girl was driving too fast.

Anyway, as I continued filling my car with gas, I thought she’s only been driving five years. If she got her license when she was 16 like most kids do, that would make her 21. She actually looked younger than that.

The conversation ended with the tattooed pink-haired driver, and she continued pumping gas, as did I.

A surprising shift And then something happened inside me. I don’t know what it was. But when I finished filling my car with gas, I walked around the corner of the pump and said to the girl, “Miss?” I had to say it twice before she heard me.

She looked up a bit surprised, at which point I said. “I apologize for what happened back there.”

“I appreciate that,” she said. “It really scared me” I could see it in her face.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” I said.

“Well, thank you,” she said again,” I really appreciate that.”

I felt like I needed to represent old men who look down their noses at tattooed young women with rings in their noses. I didn’t want her to think badly of us.

What I learned from this chance meeting Apologizing well is not a skill I want to develop. I want to have few things I need to apologize for, not more of them.

A barrier dropped between this girl and me once I apologized. I could see more clearly the impact my behavior had on her.

I could also see more clearly that my pride stood between us before I said I was sorry.

It certainly wasn’t somthing I was looking for it, but I actually felt connected with that girl once I apologized. The incident reminded me of my daughter and a car accident she was once in. It reminded me that this girl had a mother and a father who probably loved her - like I love our daughter and granddaughter.

So what does all this mean for YOU? Is there anyone you need to apologize to? Are there barriers you think would drop if you did?

Is there anything you’ve done to scare people?

To what extent do you feel you need to prove yourself to others? If so, could that be more about your pride than anything else?

Are there people in your life trying to prove themselves to you? If so, how about asking God to show you how to help relieve that person of the burden of feeling they always having to be right.?

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode Be thankful we don’t have to always be right. It will free us from the burden of having to defend ourselves, which in turn will help us relate better with others. It breaks down barriers between people.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a comment” box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing I hope today’s show stimulated your thinking to reflect and take some action, like thinking about where your pride and defensiveness may be getting in the way of a relationship. It will help you find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week about another thankfulness topic. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 041: Thankful for the Cheerleaders in My Life
042: Thankful for the Irritations of Life
043: Thankful for People Different from Me
044: Thankful for the People who Invested in Us

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Do you need more joy in your life?

Have you ever felt that you're going through the motions during your day, and while nothing particularly awful is happening, not much good is going on either?

I went through a stretch like this recently. During days like this, I realize I could use a little more joy in my life.

It surprised me a few weeks ago when I found some of the joy I was lacking. Of all the unusual places to find it, I found it in the news. In the news?

Keep listening and I’ll explain the joy I found, because you can find it, too. Let me show you how.

Joy in the news? Really? Where I live in the state of Wisconsin in the US, September 25, 2021 was declared Bob Uecker Day to celebrate the 50 years Uecker has been calling the play-by-play broadcast of the Milwaukee Brewers baseball games. 50 years at the same job. Who does that any more? The guy is 87 years old and still working!

Uecker is wildly popular with baseball fans in our area. Even marginal fans will listen to his broadcasts because of his quick-witted, self-deprecating sense of humor. He’s quite entertaining with the self-effacing funny stories of his playing days and observations about life.

Near the end of February when we’re all sick of the dreary winter we’ve been through in our part of the world, the first sign of spring is Bob Uecker broadcasting spring training baseball games from Arizona. He gives us hope that spring must be just around the corner. He’s like the first crocus or daffodil pushing through the leftover snow of winter. Among baseball fans, the joy of our relationship with Bob Uecker is palpable.

He is also deeply loved by the ballplayers he’s been describing for the past 5 decades. So much so that last year in 2020 the players on the Milwaukee Brewers voted a full share of their playoff bonus checks to Uecker. They didn’t have to do that. He didn’t play at all; he only described the action of those who did. And Uecker in turn donated his share to charity.

What a sweet and tender gesture on the part of the team. It’s a commentary about the joy of their relationship with him.

Who is this man that evokes such an honor? This all raises the question, what is it about an 87-year-old man that endears him to people? How did the joy of relationships he has with so many people come to be?

With his many fans, I think it is his self-deprecating sense of humor. His persona is of a guy who wasn’t any good at anything - but doesn’t know it. It’s what made him such a hit on the Tonight Show. Miller Beer commercials, and his role in the 1989 baseball movie, Major League.

Uecker is a master of the unexpected. On the day he was honored for his 50 years as a broadcaster he was given the privilege of throwing out the ceremonial first pitch of that day’s game, like so many have done before him in major league baseball stadiums all across the country.

Most 87-year-old would go out about 10 to 15 feet from home plate and toss the ball underhanded to a catcher. Not Uecker. He had the pitching machine used in batting practice positioned on the pitching mound, and just fed a baseball into the machine which propelled it to the catcher behind home plate.

The joy of relationships with people much younger In terms of his relationship with the ballplayers, it’s important to note that the average age of the players on the Milwaukee Brewers is 28.8 years Uecker is 87. What is it that bridged this gap of 58 years to bring such joy to players and fans alike?

For one thing, Uecker was a ballplayer, too for 6 years, 1962-67. He played for the Milwaukee & Atlanta Braves, St. Louis Cardinals, and Philadelphia Phillies. He knew the joys and challenges of being a professional baseball player. He could relate to them, both the stars on the team and those who struggled.

As a player, Uecker was a pretty good defensive catcher, but only a career .200 hitter, which he joked about all the time. In 6 years he only hit 74 RBIs and 14 home runs in 6 years. Odly enough, one of those homers was off hall of fame pitcher, Sandy Koufax. He often joked that the homer he hit almost cost Koufax his place in Cooperstown.

The joy of honoring others in our relationships As much as I enjoyed seeing Bob Uecker honored for his 50 years of broadcasting for one baseball team, I found even more joy in another part of this relationship story.

It comes from what the star player of the Brewers did. 29-year-old outfielder, Christian Yelich collected money from his teammates to pay Nike to

manufacture one pair of specialty shoes for Uecker that displayed the phrase, “One of Us” on the heel of the shoe.

Think about this for a moment, and let it sink in. One of us.

Imagine what Bob Uecker must have felt to have this group of ballplayers, 58 years younger than himself, give him a gift expressing this sentiment. One of us.

One of us Who of us wouldn’t long to have people tell us they considered us one of them. That we belonged, that we’re together as part of a larger whole. That we’re wanted and appreciated by others.

Christian Yelich makes $23.8 million dollars a year as a professional baseball player and he organized getting this gift to honor Bob Uecker. Yelich also had a pair of baseball spikes made for himself that look like the Nike shoes given to Uecker.

All of this reminded me of the joy of relationships, and how we need to nurture them.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to experience the joy of relationships in your life? I suggest following the ORA principle we’ve been talking about for some time.

Observe Observe. Look around. Be curious about the world around us. Take our eyes off ourselves. There are good things happening all over the place if we take the time to look and notice the joy in relationships we come across in our daily lives.

There’s something within most of us that wants to be connected. We’re made for relationships. Look for these connections.

Reflect Reflect. Take time to think more deeply about what we observe. Many of us choose to stay too busy to reflect upon what we observe. Instead, consider the meaning behind what we see. Let it soak in. Are there themes in what we see and experience?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the implications of the phrase on the back of Bob Uecker’s new shoes, “One of us.” To be called this is something we have little or no control over. But it brings us to the next component of the ORA principle.

Act Act. What we do have control over, is taking action ourselves, to extend ourselves to others. Get to know people younger or older than ourselves, as Bob Uecker and the baseball players have done.

If people aren’t honoring us, we can honor others ourselves. We can do what the apostle Paul calls us to do in Romans 12:10, Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

Be for others what you would like them to be for you. This creates a measure of joy for ourselves, as Christian Yellich no doubt experienced with the Nikes he gave Bob Uecker.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode One fulfilling way to enrich our lives is to observe and delight in the joy of relationships we see happening between different people all around us.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy of relationships God intends for you. For you know by now, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 003: A Gift for the Person Who Has Everything

016: Two Ways to Care for a Missionary

023: Reminding Each Other of Our Own Stories

032: What Am I Here For? What is My Purpose in Life?

083: The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community

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Hello everyone! I’m so glad you’ve joined us today for episode 127, “Don’t Let Fear Drive Us Apart.”

Center Stage in Paris A missionary friend serving in Paris wrote the following in a recent newsletter I received. It’s about the proof of vaccination that’s now being required there.

“...uncertainty continues to be the order of the day. The Passe Sanitaire, literally, “Sanitary Pass” continues to fuel strong debate and disagreement as the demonstrations across the country grow each Saturday. The scientific and medical communities are divided too, and more and more people in 'high places' are speaking out against the pass. I haven't been to a single dinner, picnic, or tea with friends where it hasn't taken center stage. The angst is real! Pray for us…”

And then in a recent Skype call with a missionary in Germany, they told me “the vaccination issue is all you hear in the media in Germany, almost nothing else. There’s a strong appeal from the government to solidarity.

That we’re all in this together as good citizens and there’s something wrong with you if you don’t want to get the vaccine. The same thing is happening in Austria.”

Both of these missionaries see fear driving us apart

What the US government is doing Here in the US all across the country, the government has been offering lots of incentives. Here are a few I found from this past summer:

Ohio Anyone ages 12 to 25 was eligible to win five $100,000 scholarships and 50 $10,000 scholarships.

Hawaii 21 different prizes including:
Airline miles and free tickets from 5 different airlines, including 50 free airline tickets from Southwest Airlines.
Hotel and resort gift packages.
Pizza for a Year courtesy of Papa John’s
$1,000 gift card courtesy of NAPA Auto Parts

Massachusetts Fully vaccinated residents,18 or older, had a chance to win one of the five $1 million prizes, while those between the ages of 12 and 17 were eligible to win one of five $300,000 scholarship grants.

New Mexico Five weekly drawings will award four $250,000 cash prizes each week. A grand prize of $5 million was awarded at the conclusion of the sweepstakes, in early August, to one winner drawn from the statewide pool of vaccinated New Mexicans.

Memphis, Tennessee There was a sweepstake for a free car to any resident who was vaccinated.

Alabama The Talladega Superspeedway is offered people aged 16 and older who choose to be tested and/or vaccinated the thrill of driving their car or truck on the 2.66-mile track. Drivers and their riders will take two laps behind a pace car at highway speed, including the 33-degree-high banks.

Deleware Prison officials offered inmates five days of good time credits, a free video visit, a snack bag or a special meal, and an opportunity to be scheduled first for in-person visitations when they resume.

Wisconsin $100 gift card, lots of states are doing this
A free creme puff at the Wisconsin State Fair in August

Indiana A box of Girl Scout cookies. Really? That’s an incentive?

Another idea to change people’s behavior Another suggestion to encourage people to get vaccinated appeared in a letter to the editor of the Wall Street Journal. It’s called the H.E.A.R. technique

H. Hear. Ask open-ended questions
E. Express gratitude. Thank you for sharing.
A. Ask about the pros and cons of getting the vaccine
R. Respond. Summarize what you’ve heard

Pretty lame. I don't think it's going to prevent fear driving us apart.

Questions we’re not asking How do we improve our immune system?

How did people handle the Spanish flu of 1918? What did they do to get out of it?

So what does this divisive issue mean for us? How are we to view this issue in light of our relationships. How can we get the vaccine issue off center stage as my French missionary friend describes, and throw it in the dumpster out in the alley behind the theater?

I have a few ideas.

It starts with the observation that we are all a little afraid.

The vaccinated The vaccinated are afraid the unvaccinated are going to infect us all, and then we in turn will infect others, including our loved ones. They may even end up putting us in the hospital. Or in the grave. They are afraid the unvaccinated will surely prolong this pandemic, and it will then take that much longer for life to return to normal.

The vaccinated are afraid our country is turning into a nation of ignorant self-centered people who only care about themselves and not the common good.

The unvacinated The unvaccinated, however, are afraid liberties are being taken away, where the government is taking more and more control of the daily lives of its citizens. They’re afraid the government doesn’t know what it’s doing because the “science” they point to changes on a weekly basis. Remember “Two Weeks to Flatten the Curve?” They ask.

Some of the unvaccinated are afraid because this issue reminds them too much of the medical science that endorsed lobotomies as approved medical treatment in the middle of the last century. They’re afraid something’s amiss when highly esteemed medical professionals are silenced when they raise concerns about side effects of the vaccine, like strokes, blood clots, and enlarged hearts. They’re afraid because they fear the shaming some of them are experiencing for their stance will only get worse.

I would say this to both groups: Acknowledge that we’re all a bit fearful now.

Let’s help each other in our fear. Let’s be afraid together, not emotionally apart from one another.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode Don’t let fear drive us apart because of our differing views of the vaccine. Extend grace to others on the opposite side of the issue as we are. The other side isn’t stupid. Most of us are doing the best we can with the information we have.

Fear Covid, but not each other.

A related episode you may want to listen to 074: Relationships During Elections

Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven’t already done so.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, so that you don't let fear drive us apart. All so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

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I didn’t see this coming, but episode 121 that aired five weeks ago, “The Relational Energy of Fall,” had the most listener response of any podcast episode this year, and I think for any of the past episodes since the podcast began in late November of 2018.

Keep listening to hear what listeners responded to because I think you’ll be encouraged as you hear how sometimes God uses strangers to care for us.

The excerpt from episode 121 that started it all I’ll have a link to the entire episode 121 in the show notes, but for now, here’s a brief excerpt from “Experience the Relational Energy of Fall.”

[ I’m sorry, there is no transcript for this part of the podcast. Please listen to the podcast.]

Listener feedback As you heard in the clip that just played, I felt helpless when I talked to Stacey. I wanted to do something besides listen. Yet, there was nothing I could do to make things better.

But then, weeks later, when the episode aired, I started getting responses from several listeners, which gave me an idea. Before I tell you the idea, here’s the feedback I received that prompted me to do something

“John, I enjoyed today's podcast. I will be praying for "Stacy" I was touched by her story.” - Patty
“Good morning John. I appreciated this week’s You Were Made for This podcast. . . And for your daughter’s high school friend, how difficult of a time she is going through. I’m sure you mentioning that story rallied many to be praying for her. It did me.” - Randy
Another local podcast listener I ran into asked about Stacey, “How sad," he said about her situation.

And finally, there was this response from a listener “Having been walking around the past few weeks, sometimes on the verge of tears, I have felt very alone in my sadness.

“But the few times when a brave person has been bold enough to ask me how I am doing, and then taken the time to truly listen, has been a healing balm. And a rare gift.

”There are no words I need or even want to hear. I just sometimes need a safe place to let a few tears seep out every now and then to cleanse my emotional paLette.

“Thanks for the reminder that it is OK to feel awkward if it allows another human being the chance to be real.” ~ Imelda

NOTE: Imelda prayed for her, too!

I was surprised and encouraged by people's reaction, at the compassion, and how they volunteered to pray for Stacey. Nobody asked them to do this!
Their empathy for her and her difficult situation was palpable. They put themselves emotionally into her shoes. An abusive spouse. The prospect of not seeing her children. How will I pay the bills?

All three of these examples show me that somes God uses strangers to bless us and care for us.

What to do with this listener feedback After hearing these responses to Stacey’s story, the idea that came to me was to go back to the office supply store where she worked to let her know people were praying for her. I thought that would encourage her, and hopefully lighten her load a bit.

It would be putting 2 Corinthians 13:11 into practice, where we are told, “encourage each other.”

So I stopped into the office supply store one day, but she wasn’t there. Before going the next time, I wrote a note and put it in an envelope with her name on it, thinking if she wasn’t in again, I’d ask one of her co-workers to give it to her when she came into work.

In the note, I said that I had a podcast and that I was so touched by the conversation we had several weeks ago that I used it as the subject of a podcast episode, changing her name, of course, to protect her privacy.

I told her about the podcast and how she could listen to it, and then I concluded with the following:

Much to my surprise, 4 different listeners have taken the time to tell me that they are praying for you. I have been doing the same most days since we last met. I hope this encourages you.

Stacey responds Sure enough, she was gone again the next time I stopped into the store. So I dropped off the note with a co-worker before I checked out with my office supplies.

The same day I dropped the note off for Stacey, she sent me an email later that night. It read:

“Hi John,
When I got to work tonight, a co-worker told me, "A man came in with an envelope for you. He said you went to school with his daughter, and asked me to hand-deliver it to you. I put it in the office. I'm not sure what it is."

"I was intrigued. What the heck? Who is this man? Who is the person I went to school with? So I went to the office and found the envelope with my name on it, and your return address label. I opened it up, and couldn't make it to the 2nd paragraph without crying. I was a mess. Finally, though I got through the whole thing and I was bawling! Then I showed it to my co-worker (who is not a Christian, by the way), and she thought it was really nice. She said, ‘You never know when people are thinking about you and that they care.’

"Now that I'm living with my parents again, I showed them the letter as soon as I got home. Again, I couldn't make it through the letter without crying. I was anxious to listen to the podcast! I just finished listening and I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the prayer that's going into my marriage . . . Most people would say I should've left him a long time ago. I had one friend end our friendship because she couldn't take listening to all the stories of abuse and how I still kept going back to him. Hearing your podcast was inspirational, so for that, I thank you.

"Thanks again for your letter, and for using me in your podcast. Just knowing strangers are praying for me is humbling.”

So what does all this mean for the rest of us? Knowing that sometimes God uses strangers to care for people, we can do what Imelda talked about, namely

Be a brave person, bold enough to ask someone how they are doing, and then take the time to truly listen.
Don’t worry about the words to say. Be a safe place for someone to cleanse their emotional palette, as she puts it. And then feel awkward doing this.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode There are times when God uses strangers to care for us, to let us know we are not alone during our darkest of days. Conversely, there is real joy in being one of those strangers God uses to bless someone with our prayers. It brings out the best in us.

Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please forward it to someone else.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. Maybe to pray for a stranger going through a tough time. When you do so, you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Even a relationship with a stranger. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 121: Experience the Relational Energy of Fall

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A podcast listener recently contacted me for some relationship advice. She asked, “Our son, who just started his freshman year of college, is coming home for the weekend, and I wonder if you have any suggestions for how my husband and I should relate to him?” I do. It's to apply the ORA principle. Observe. Remember. Act

I know some of the rest of you are facing this same issue now, or have already dealt with it, or may soon face it in the next 2 to 18 years. It’s a relationship issue where we can apply the ORA principle. Observe - Remember - Act.

Observe Let’s start with Observe. To our listener, I would ask, what have you observed about your son that makes him enjoy life? What things bring him joy when he’s with your family? What are the things you think he looks forward to?

Are there things he dreads? You know, this is the question we’ve been asking in the past several episodes.

Most importantly, Observe what’s going on within YOU. Do you see any tendency you may have to use your son to meet your emotional needs? If you’re still grieving his leaving home, don’t do it in front of him.

Remember I would also figuratively scratch your head to try and remember what it was like when YOU came home from college for the first time.

What did YOU look forward to in returning home? What did YOU dread?
I know you’re a different person than your son, but brought YOU joy in coming home?
Remember, going away to college is a more significant change for your son than it is for you
Remember your son is in that transition phase between teenager and young adult. Focus on the latter, not the former
Remember that even though your son may have had a great deal of independence before he left home for college, the independence he has now is different. It’s more pronounced. He’s become used to making his own decisions without input from you
Remember that every parent's job is to raise their child to be an independent, well-functioning adult and member of society. So embrace his newfound independence with him.

Act Based on what you have observed about your son. And what you remember what it was like for you when you came home from college, take some kind of action

Make coming home as pleasant an experience as possible. Create positive memories for your son.
Spend less time telling him what to do and more time listening.
The most important action you can take is to ask your son what he would like to do when he comes home for the weekend. Go to an event? Meet with friends. Sleep and veg out? Work on his college homework?
Set aside your own needs and plan for a few days
Let your son fill his schedule for the weekend.
Ask if he’d like to bring a friend home with him
Celebrate this new chapter of his life. Ask about his classes, which one he likes and those he isn’t too fond of.
Act by holding back advice unless you’re asked for it
Avoid saying, “If I were you, I would….” Instead, ask, “How are you going to deal with that? What are you going to do?”
Make it a joy-filled weekend for your son.
Ask the Holy Spirit ways you can best interact with your son. He’ll show you
Speak your son’s love language
Please don’t give him chores to do. Instead, ask him as a favor as you would a friend. “Would you mind doing me a favor and (insert verb phrase)”
Say “yes,” more than you say “no.”

What if you don’t have kids in college? So what about the rest of us who don’t have children in college. Yet. Some day you might, and it’s not too early to prepare for that possibility. If I had young kids at home, even toddlers, I would develop my observation skills about my kids.

Pay attention to their love language, discover what makes them tick. Help them to move from one stage of childhood to the next level. The skills you develop doing this will come in handy when they leave and then return home from college. Or from their factory job from another part of the country. Or from the military.

If you don’t have any children, or If you’re past this stage of life and your kids have all left home, think about your friends in the throes of launching their children into the world. Reach out to them. Ask how they’re dealing with this new chapter in their life.

And please listen to episode 69, “When Our Kids Go Off to School for the First Time,” especially if you have friends with children heading to kindergarten or off to college.

The main point from today’s episode Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode:

Apply the ORA principle in your relationships with your kids returning home from college. Observe. Observe what’s going on inside of you, and the emotions you feel when your child comes home for the weekend. Remember. Remember what it was like for you when you were away from home for a while, and then returned. Remind yourself to treat him like an adult. Act. Ask him what he wants to do or not do. Let him call the shots, not you.

I’d love to hear any other relationship questions you may have. Just send them my way, and we’ll tackle them together.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 069: When Our Kids Go Off to School for the First Time

Four episodes that address in more detail the ORA principle:

88: Get Them to Say "Thank You for Asking"
89: How to Be a Better Observer of People
93: Remembering Deepens Our Relationships
96: Meaningful Questions Create Meaningful Relationships

Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven’t already done so.

I hope today’s show stimulated your thinking about how you can apply the ORA principle with your young adult children or any relationship for that matter. All so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationship with them.Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today.

I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

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Hello everyone! I’m so glad you’ve joined us today for episode 124, “Resting In Our Identity Frees Us to Love Well”

Background to today’s program Last week’s episode, no. 123, was all about asking two questions to deepen our relationships, namely, what are you looking forward to? and what are you dreading, or not looking forward to? Someone had recently asked me these two questions and I wanted to try asking them myself to see where they could lead.

To test this out I called four previous guests I had interviewed on our podcast - totally out of the blue. One of them was Gail Rohde from episodes 29 and 30. I’ll have links to these at the bottom of the show notes.

In those episodes, Gail shared how she was told at a young age she was adopted, and how she had no desire to look for her birth parents until she started having children of her own. This was her identity. She talks about the search for her birth parents and how it affected her to locate her birth mother and actually speak to her and make plans to meet in person. They are favorite episodes of mine.

92 episodes later Fast forward 92 programs later to when I called Gail last week to ask her those two questions I mentioned earlier. And to find, much to my surprise, that Gail, who I remember having given up hope of ever finding her birth father, actually found him! She said meeting him was the thing she was most looking forward to, and at the same time also something she was dreading.

I was so happy for her when she told me this, at the same time feeling for her angst in what this will mean for her relationship with her birth mother. Gail readily agreed to a follow-up interview.

So listen in now, where at this point in our telephone conversation Gail shares how she located her birth father…

[I’m sorry, but there is no transcript of our phone call]

Takeaways from today’s interview with Gail Rohde I am struck by how loving Gail is being with her birth mother through the process of searching for her birth father to discover more of her identity. How sensitive she is to her mother’s anxieties and fears of abandonment. The sacrifice Gail is making with not being able to share the joy with her mom, or on social media where her mother might see it.

Secondly, I’m captivated by Gail’s father who raised her, and how he wanted to help her find her birth parents. Gail talks more about him in episode 29. His loving character certainly rubbed off on Gail. What a great guy.

So what does all this mean for YOU? Most of us are not adopted by earthly parents, but we do have the choice of becoming adopted children of God. God certainly wants to be our heavenly father, but only if we choose him. He never forces himself on anyone. In the Gospel of John, chapter 1 verse 12 we read,

But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.

When we make this choice it changes our identity. It makes us a new person, and it enables us to love others well, as it does with Gail in loving her mother. And like it did with Gail’s father who raised her.

The choice is yours.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode Knowing where we have come from helps us to rest in our identity. It frees us to be the person God made us to be, so we can love others well.

Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven’t already done so.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to reflect on where you have come from and your identity. For in doing so, it will help you find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 029: An Adoption Relationship Story-Part 1

030: An Adoption Relationship Story-Part 2

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 123, “Ask Thoughtful Questions and See What Happens”

In last week’s episode, no. 122, “The Questions We Ask … and Fail to Ask,” I suggested that to deepen our relationships with people try asking the two questions asked of me recently. Namely, what are you looking forward to? And, what are you dreading?

Since I suggested that you give this a try, I thought I should do the same thing. I was curious to see how this would work, to ask thoughtful questions like these. Plus I wanted to brush up on my listening skills. Like any skill, good listening takes practice and I need all the practice I can get.

So in today’s episode, you’ll hear phone calls I made to several people, asking them the two questions I mentioned. At the end of each call, I comment on how the call went and what I learned from it. Keep listening to see how this
could work for you in moving you from the shallow end of your relational swimming pool to the deep end where all the good stuff happens.

The first phone call My first call is to Maureen, who was my guest on episode 66 “A Solution Better Than Suicide,” and then episode 67, “Self-monitoring How We Listen.”

Those two episodes were some of my favorites as Maureen talked quite openly about her struggle with depression to the point she seriously considered taking her own life several years ago. She’s in a much better place now. These episodes are two of my favorites because they speak to the power of caring relationships to help us through dark days. They’re very encouraging. You’ll find links to them at the bottom of the show notes.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago when I called Maureen. By the way, I did not give her or any of the other guests I called a “heads up” that I would be contacting them. My calls came completely out of the blue for all of them. So her goes with my call to Maureen:

[I’m sorry there is no transcript of the phone call. Please listen to the audio of this episode]

What I learned from the call * I start with, “Do you have a minute to talk?” Good to ask. But when I say “no” people will often talk anyway * I love the excitement in Maureen’s voice, more surprise than anything. Happy for the kids to be now in school. “It’s been a long summer.” * “You sound elated,” act like a mirror listening principle, just reflect back what you observe.” * Her extroversion drew me out of my introversion. The laughing, the louder voice. * I asked my first thoughtful question, What are you looking forward to? Looking forward to routine, which leads to “space for better self-care.” * “Wow, those are deep questions?” Hmm. Reminds me of the deep end of the relational swimming pool. * Dreading? “Oooh. Such a strong word. We’ve already had Covid.” Humor. * Like everyone else, as you’ll see. She had to think longer about this thoughtful question * I stumbled trying to tone this question down. I couldn't think of a synonym for “dreading.” Apprehensive, anxious about, or simply, not looking forward to would have worked better. * She dreaded all the driving and time in the car with the kids taking them to activities in the fall * “Yeah, I can understand that” to what she was dreading. Good response, I think. Reminds me of the book I reviewed in Episode 105, I Hear You, where the author’s main point of the book is that affirming people and identifying with their feelings and experiences goes a long way to deepening relationships.

What I wish I would have done differently * I missed an opportunity to ask a follow-up thoughtful question. From what you heard, what follow-up question would you have asked? * When Maureen said she looked forward to the routine of fall because “It will give me space for better self-care” I could have asked this: “What would better self-care look like for you this fall?” * I didn’t have the time to talk because of the others I needed to contact.

The temptation I avoided * When Maureen talked about dreading all the driving of the kids, I thought of ways to fix her problem. I could have asked, “Are there podcasts you could be listening to during your time in the car, such as You Were Made… or, you get the idea. Could your husband Mike do some of the driving? Would your parents or in-laws be willing to help * Thankfully, I didn’t ask those questions because they were born out of my knee-jerk reaction to want to fix things. I’m a guy. And it’s a curse we carry. * Besides, I’m positive Maureen thought of the same solutions herself, and several others I’m sure. * So I was glad I put into practice that quote from W.C. Fields a few episodes back, “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

The second call to a former podcast guest The second phone call I made was to Gail Rohde, someone I interviewed in episodes 29 and 30, two years ago in 2019. These were also two of my favorite shows. They are the stories of Gail’s search for her birth-mother, and eventually finding her, and all the relational issues related to an adult adoptee wanting to know more of where they came from. Her story so resonated with me because I also was born to an unwed mother and searched for my birth father, as Gail did for her birth mother. Again, there will be links to these episodes at the end of the show notes.

Well, my call to Gail started off with a technical glitch that turned out to be a blessing. Listen in

[I’m sorry there is no transcript of the phone call. Please listen to the audio of this episode]

Wrong numbers aren’t always wrong * When my call to Gail went to her husband Mike by mistake I learned the surprising news of Gail tracking down her birth-father. The last time I talked to her she had given up hope in ever finding him. * I was excited to learn this because I remember it being important to Gail * At the end of my call with Mike, I asked him about his new job. I turned off the recording at this point and Mike and I got caught up on each other’s life. It was an extra blessing to connect with him.

Another technical glitch * Mike gave me Gail’s new cell phone number which I called and then asked her the same two thoughtful questions I asked Maureen * However, I discovered I forgot to press the “record” button, so I had to call her back. Here is what she had to say:

[I’m sorry there is no transcript of the phone call. Please listen to the audio of this episode]

What I learned from my call to Gail * It’s great having people in your life you can admit your mistakes to, knowing that it's not going to change how they feel about you * There are times when our greatest blessings are also our greatest challenges, as Gail mentioned in finding her birth father * Because I had limited time I could talk with Gail, I didn’t ask any follow-up questions. And I have a lot of them. If you are rushed for time, it’s better NOT to engage with additional questions, because if you do you can easily come across as someone who doesn’t care and who just wants to cross something off their to-do list. * I learned it’s better to hold off further engagement until you do have time, as I did when I told Gail I’d like to do another episode. Save your questions for another time. Timing is everything. * My interaction with Gail demonstrates the ORA principle of deepening relationships. Observe - Remember - Act. It started with Observing, in its listening form, to what her husband Mike said about Gail finding her birth-father. * There is a heavy dose of Remembering that’s apparent here. Remembering what Gail shared several years ago in those episodes about searching for her birth mother. And then Acting. Talking to Gail about doing another episode about the process of searching for her birth father.

The third call - to Carol Steward, my executive director boss Like Gail, Carol was also the subject of two episodes of You Were Made for This, number 100, our first triple-digit episode, “Start Conversations With Remembering.” Followed by episode 101, “Life-Giving Relationships”

These episodes answer the question listeners had been asking me, “Who is this Carol we hear at the very beginning of each episode?” I explain the long history Janet and I have with Carol and her husband Terry. It was a heavy dose of the importance of remembering in relationships.

And then in episode 101 I share the story of how Carol introduces Janet and me to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and how that has changed our entire life.

The day I called Carol for this episode she was working out of her home. Have a listen to what she has to say:

[I’m sorry there is no transcript of the phone call. Please listen to the audio of this episode]

What I learned from my call to Carol * Sometimes thoughtful questions require time to think about before answering, as Carol answered about looking forward to spending school days with her grandkids. That’s because one of her daughters is a teacher and she provides childcare for them, as well as watching older grandkids after school while her other daughter is at work * That what are you not looking forward to questioning can reveal a bit about a person’s state of stress and contentment with life at the moment. It took Carol longer to answer this second question than it did the first, more positive question. This tells me something I’ve known for years, that Carol has a very positive outlook on life. * With some other people, they’ll have a much easier time talking about what they’re dreading than what they’re looking forward to. Not so with Carol. * Similar to Gail’s answers, the thing Carol was looking forward to also had a negative element to it. * One follow-up question I wish I would have asked is “Why do you look forward to babysitting your grandkids? What do you like about it?” That would have been a thoughtful question worth sking. * After I turned off the record button Carol and I continued to talk. She and her husband Terry, and Janet and I, have been friends for decades.

My fourth and final call - to another previous podcast guest Hannah Barbeau and her sister Abbey were featured in a two-part interview in episodes 17 and 18. They are sisters living in Chicago. Hannah is a millennial and Abbey is from Gen Z. I interviewed them to talk about their relationship with each other, both growing up as kids and now as young adults. From there, we talked about what it was like for them to relate to older generations, roommates, their relationship with the church, and what young women their age need from their parents now. That was all in episodes 17 and 18.

Then in episode 19, I share 5 ways I was encouraged by my conversation with Hannah & Abby who are so different from me: different generation (I’m a boomer), a different stage in life, different gender, different marital status. I had a great time listening and learning from them.

But the other day, I just spoke to Hannah on the phone to ask her the same two questions I asked the other podcast guests I mentioned. We had played phone tag for a while, but we eventually connected with each other. So let’s see now how a millennial answers the two thoughtful questions I’ve been asking.

[I’m sorry there is no transcript of the phone call. Please listen to the audio of this episode]

What I learned from my call to Hannah * Some people are very reflective and deliberate in how they answer questions. Like Hannah, they may need more time than others to respond. So I need to give people the silence-filled space they need. * I happened to catch Hannah at the start of a whole new exciting chapter in her life. 3 new things coming up for her. What a privilege to hear about it! * I was glad I asked the follow-up questions about the classes she was taking and her new job. It gave me a better picture of what her life is going to be like for the next few months. * Somehow the end of the conversation got cut off, but we were almost at the end anyway.

The next day I got an email from Hannah about something else. She closed with referencing the conversation we had the day before with this:

“Also, thanks so much for taking the time to catch up yesterday! It was just nice. Made me wonder why I don't call others more often for a short, simple conversation! Take care!”

What a sweet and encouraging thing for her to tell me

So what does all this mean for YOU You can also ask thoughtful questions of people, like the two I asked, and see the good that can happen: what are you looking forward to? And, what are you dreading (or some version of it.)

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode When you ask thoughtful questions of the important people in your life you’ll be surprised at the good that can come from it. The joy they experience can overflow into your life, and you can share in it.

Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven’t already done so.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. Especially to ask thoughtful questions of the important people in your life. All so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to:

O17: Two Sisters - Part 1

018: Two Sisters - Part 2

029: An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 1

030: An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 2

066: A Solution Better Than Suicide

067: Self-monitoring How We Listen

100: Start Conversations with Remembering

101: Life-Giving Relationships

105: How to Listen Better

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Hello everyone! I’m so glad you’ve joined us today for episode 122, “The Questions We Ask …. and Fail to Ask.”

We’ve talked about asking questions before in this podcast and the role they play in deepening our relationships. Episodes 96 and 97, for example, come to mind. I’ll have links to them at the end of the show notes.

I was recently reminded of the power of questions at a family camp that Janet and I and part of our family attended this past summer. Let me tell you what happened because you may be able to use what I picked up to deepen your relationships.

Feedback from listeners We’ve been going to Forest Springs, located in the north woods of the State of Wisconsin in the US for close to 20 years. It’s a Christian youth and family camp in a pretty rural area, near several small classic American small towns. We love going there to get away from the pace of city life.

Several of the people on the camp staff listen to this podcast. One walked past us on Wednesday at lunch and told me she liked listening to that morning’s episode, making it clear “I was doing something else” while listening. I think she said she was washing dishes. It must have been one of those episodes where I mentioned podcasts are great to listen to when you’re doing some mindless work. “Good job,” I think I remarked.
Several others on staff also told me they like listening to the podcast.
But of course, what would you expect? No one there is going to tell me the podcast stinks. They’re kind people at Forest Springs. If we had been in New Jersey, though, I may have gotten a different response.

Early morning conversation with a stranger When I’m at this camp, Forest Springs, I like getting up early before most other people and sitting in the lodge of the camp looking out the window at the perfectly still lake on the property. When the windows are open you can hear loons off in the distance. The whole scene just calms my soul and brings me peace. Being near a body of water tends to do that for me.

It was near the end of the week and I was walking past the large windows looking out onto the lake I passed a man sitting in front of the window. He sat in the same spot every morning.
This particular morning he stopped me as I walked past him and started to engage me in a conversation. So I sat down and we talked. I’ll call him Keith, not his real name, He was quite an interesting man.
One thing led to another and Keith started talking about his son who is in his late 30s. Keith told me how his son grew up in the family as a very committed Christian. He attended church every week, was a leader in the youth group at church, and studied the Bible on his own diligently. “He knows more about the Bible than I do,” said Keith with his bible open in front of him next to a notebook he was filling up.
“But he’s now walked away from his faith and the church. He doesn’t want anything to do with God at all. Why do you think people do that, walk away from their faith like that? Totally disregard the religious faith they were raised in. “

A question my friend didn’t want to ask Keith’s question was an interesting one. It’s a question about his shared past with his son. Something happened before with his son to cause the change. Just like his dad, I wonder what it was.

But instead of answering Keith’s question, I asked him, “Have you ever asked your son, why?”

“No,” I haven’t, he responded.

"Why not?” I asked.

“I guess I’m afraid of what he would say. And I think I feel a little shame over how this.”

Hmmm. Wow.
Shame. Keith felt shame. A painful reaction, certainly.
I could understand disappointment if that were my son, but shame?
Shame is a really strong word. It’s often about disconnection in a relationship
I suspect Keith viewed his son’s decision as a reflection on him, and that felt shameful and he didn’t want to explore it further with his son. It’s like feeling safer staying in the shallow end of a swimming pool, all the while the more life-giving fun is taking place in the deep end of the pool. But it was too risky for Keith to move into the deeper water.
In thinking about our conversation later it struck me that Keith had no problem at all asking me questions. Thoughtful, insightful questions. But he froze when it came to asking his own son this question about why he departed from his faith.
There was more at risk with his son. It could be more painful knowing what was going on in the heart of his son than anything I, as a complete stranger, could say.
It’s one reason we don’t ask more meaningful questions of each other. It keeps us in the shallow end of the pool where it’s safe.

Two energizing questions During the course of the rest of our week at Camp, I ran into another one of the staff members who, together with her husband, have become dear family friends to Janet and me. We hadn’t seen each other in a year, and so we spent a little time catching up with each other’s lives. At the end of the conversation our friend, I’ll call her “Karen” because that’s her real name, said to me, “I have two questions for you. What are you looking forward to, and what are you dreading coming up?”

I had to stop and think. These were great questions.
These were different questions from the one I talked with Keith about regarding his son. That was a question about the past.
Karen’s questions were about the future.
They waded me into the deeper end of our relational swimming pool. They made me think.
These were questions that drew me to both ends of the emotional spectrum: joy and dread.

Asking the questioner a question After answering her questions, I turned the tables and said, “What about you? What is something you’re looking forward to, and what is something you’re dreading?”

She looked so startled and said, “I’ve been asking other people that question, but no one has ever asked me the same thing.” Hmmm.
That’s how it goes with people who are good at asking questions. They are rarely asked them in return.
Unlike my conversation with Keith, this one ended with both of us smiling.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas:

Are there questions you’re afraid to ask people close to you? If so, what are you afraid of?
Might God be asking you to ask that question anyway, in spite of your fear? Or could it be that he wants you to wait, or be silent about the matter?
Ask someone what our friend Karen asked me, What are you looking forward to? What are you dreading?
Or ask a different question, but make it something about the future. A lot of the questions we ask each other are about the past or present. So this time, ask one about the future.
And when you do, now listen carefully, as this is important, be sure to ask a follow-up question to whatever the other person says.
Finally, the next time someone asks you a really good question, ask the same one of them.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode The questions we ask others can keep us in the shallow end of our relational swimming pool, or they can move us to the deep end where the diving board and more joy are found.

Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven’t already done so.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. And to consider asking questions that will move your relationships out of the shallow end of the pool into deeper waters. All so you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 097 Good Things Happen If We Ask

096 Meaningful Questions Create Meaningful Relationships

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Hello everyone. I’m so glad you’ve joined us today for the start of Season Six. We begin with Episode no. 121, “Experience the Relational Energy of Fall.” I don’t know about you, but I find renewed motivation right after Labor Day in the US when school buses take to the road again.

Cooler days with earlier sunsets reinvigorates my energy level to notice all the goodness life has to offer, especially when it comes to relationships.

I don’t fully understand why this happens in the fall. But it just does. It can do the same for you, too. To show how, I share three examples of renewed relational energy in today’s program.

Asking others to care I’ll start with a post on CaringBridge from my friend David. He is on a waitlist for a liver transplant. David writes:

Today I received a call from someone who had a liver transplant 10 years ago at age 62. It was very encouraging to talk to someone who’s been through the process. I was able to talk about my fears and ask about the process. He got

The Call 3 times! He said the first two were like trial runs. The third call was the charm. The trial runs made it easier for the real deal.

He gave me details of the waiting time, recovery time, & life after transplant. The best piece of information he had was to find something that I’m passionate about doing so that I always have a reason to get up in the morning.

There is a mentor program with meetings that usually go on in the transplant department at the hospital, but it’s all been put on hold since the pandemic. My doctors asked him to call me.

I have a little bit of renewed outlook toward getting a liver. It was very encouraging.

Feel the relational energy I found David’s post energizing on several levels, the first is from the liver transplant survivor, who at age 72 extended himself to a complete stranger to call David and encourage him with what he experienced ten years ago going down the same path Dave is on now. How encouraging to know there are people out there like this man willing to give people hope when hope is in short supply.

It’s energizing to me to think that sharing how I navigated through some of the difficulties in my life is something God can use to give people hope. Even when I’m older, like this 72-year-old liver transplant survivor. He can do the same for you, too.

The second part of David’s post I found energizing is his little sentence, “My doctors asked him to call me.” Him being the liver recipient from 10 years ago. We’ve talked before about the important role remembering plays in relationships, and here are doctors who remembered a patient from a decade ago, and how that patient might be an encouragement to my friend David.

Then they acted and asked this guy for help in caring for one of their current patients. They didn’t ask for medical help, they asked for emotional help. What a caring thing for these doctors to do.

It energizes me to think that one way I can care for people is to ask others to connect with those I care about, to share their expertise and experience in
ways that give people hope. I don’t have to do it all myself. I can ask others for help, just like these doctors did. And just like you can, too.

Relational energy during a time of loss A second example of the relational energy that fall brings comes from my friend Randy in Pittsburgh. You’ve heard me mention him before. He recently sent me the following text:

John,
Letting you and Janet know that we had Juno [their dog] put to sleep today. Don’t know if you saw the post on FB. The vet at the ER today diagnosed him as likely having a cancerous tumor on his spine which explains his struggles walking and pain in general over the last 6 weeks. While we weren’t ready or considered this as an option until today, it was the best decision. Molly was able to join us virtually as I held Juno when the vet administered the drug.

One of the most caring parts of it all is that the Vet was crying after Juno was gone. She cared for us all.

Randy

Janet and I are were well-acquainted with Juno, and we certainly mourn with Randy and his family over this loss. We talked recently about the idea of a podcast episode about our relationship with our pets. More to come on that down the road.

Recognizing someone else's pain For today, though, I was energized in thinking about the vet who administered the drug that ended Juno’s life. She cried. It energized me to know of someone who so recognized the pain of someone else, and who entered into that pain so deeply that it caused tears to flow.

The vet knew in her mind this was the best option for the family pet, but her heart told her there was going to be emotional pain in doing the right thing. Isn’t that so true of other areas of life? For you and me both.

And I loved how Randy put it, that the vet “cared for us all.” She cared for the physical needs of Juno, their dog, and she cared emotionally for Randy and his family with her tears. You don’t learn to do that in veterinary school.
There’s something quite powerful in knowing that someone else on the planet knows in their heart when our heart is breaking.

From Randy’s story, I realize I can be like the veterinarian he described. I can care for people when I imagine in my heart what they must be dealing with in theirs. And then feel what they are feeling. Knowing at the same time I’m not responsible for making their pain or problems go away.

This energizes me, and I hope it does the same for you.

A chance encounter at Office Depot My last story of renewed relational energy happened when I stopped in at our local office supply store, Office Depot.

In checking out with my purchase the cashier commented, “I see your last name is Certalic. By any chance are you related to Jennifer Certalic?”

“Yes, I said. She’s my daughter.”

Her eyes lit up and said, “We went to high school together! Please say ‘hi’ to Jennifer from me. What is she doing now?“

I filled her in on where life has taken our daughter the past 3 decades, and how she is no longer a Certalic, having gotten married and given birth to our grandson, Nathan.

“And how are you doing these days?,” I asked after paying for my purchase.

“Oh, I’m doing Okay,” She said rather haltingly. Then placing her hand just below her throat while collecting her thoughts, she clarified her response with a downcast look and, “Well, actually, not so well.”

“Really?,” I responded.

With her eyes tearing up Stacey (not her real name) disclosed, “My husband told me he wants a separation, and I know it’s heading to divorce, and it’s tearing me apart inside.”

Each tear that fell down her face served to punctuate each pain-filled sentence. “I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t see the kids. And I don’t know how I’m going to pay the rent on my own,” she said.

How to respond? Whew. I felt completely helpless. I wanted to do something. Fortunately, the store wasn’t too busy, but I’m thinking what if her manager walks by and sees what’s going on. I needed an emotional bandage to give her, but I didn’t have one. It was really awkward.

This would have been a great time for me to say that great Anne Lamont prayer, the real short one, “Help!” Help me God to help her.”

But I didn’t think to do this.

Instead, my relational muscle memory kicked in, whispering, “Hey pal, this isn’t about you and your discomfort over her sadness and fear. It’s about her. Imagine how awkward SHE feels. Her pain isn’t yours to heal or fix.”

And with that I said, “Oh Stacey, I’m so sorry.”

“Please pray for me, “ she whispered.

“Certainly, I will pray for you. I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this.”

“Thank you. Please pray for me.”

I said I would. It seemed we both repeated ourselves several times.

Feeling helpless I felt so helpless. I wanted to say more. Do more. Make the pain go away. It seemed so insensitive to just say goodbye so the next customer could check out.

I have prayed for her numerous times since, and wonder how she’s doing.

I know that when I’ve shared the pain I’m experiencing it really helps to simply know someone else knows what’s going on within me. Like Randy’s vet who put his dog down. She knew.

Maybe that’s enough, to let someone know with your words and body language that you know they are hurting and wishing you could do something to help, knowing you can’t. Except to pray for them, asking God to comfort them, and show his goodness in the midst of their problem. Maybe that’s enough.

To my way of thinking the best we can do in moments like this is to remember who WE are, and then BE who we are.

Not Do, but BE.

Remember we are all created in the image of God and on our good days, we share many of his characteristics.

So display those to people. Extend compassion, because that is what God does. Be kind, because God is kind. Think about others and what they must be going through because that is what God does.

This is the relational energy I found from this chance meeting at Office Depot. It’s not that hard to be what God created us to be when we ask for his help to be like Him for people. He does the work; it’s all about Him, not about us.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode You can experience renewed relational energy this fall when you notice people caring well for each other. It’s a reminder that as an image-bearer of God, you were made to do the same thing yourself.

Related episodes you may want to listen to If you’re interested in hearing another example of relational energy that comes from people caring deeply for each other, you would do well to listen to episodes 8 and 9. It’s an interview I did with a widowed man whose daughter and second wife did something unusual to care for him in a most profound way. They’re two of my all-time favorite episodes. I’ll have links to them in the show notes.

008: How a Wife and Her Daughter Brought Healing

009: Shadows Connect Us with Each Other

120: The Best Relationship Advice From This Summer

Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven’t already done so.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to be relationally energized this fall. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next. Goodbye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 120, “The Best Relationship Advice From This Summer.”

Did summer go by too quickly for you? It did for me. “Summer deserves a speeding ticket,” as someone once said.

Another author commented, “A fallen leaf is nothing more than a summer’s wave goodbye.” Before we wave goodbye to summer, and to season 5 of this podcast, I want to share the best relationship advice I came across this past summer.

Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young It comes from Sarah Young’s devotional book, Jesus Calling. For each day of the year, Young shares her application of two or three Bible verses to encourage people with the hope found in scripture. There are lots of books like this. But what makes her book unique is that it’s written in the first-person narrative as if Jesus himself was speaking directly to the reader. I find it quite intimate and personal.

Young’s entry for August 3rd contains for me, the best relationship advice of this past summer. It’s just two paragraphs that I’ll start reading, making a few observations as we go.

August 3rd entry Picture Jesus calling to you with these words:

WATCH YOUR WORDS DILIGENTLY. Words have such great power to bless or to wound. When you speak carelessly or negatively, you damage others as well as yourself.

My first observation is that it’s interesting to think we damage ourselves when we’re negative or careless with our words. In doing so, we move away from the best version of ourself. For the best version of ourself is cautious about the harm we can do to someone. There are times when it is appropriate to deal with the negative in another person, but to do it positively, and carefully. Like a parent correcting a child. Like a friend who shares something negative they observe in you, but who does it in a kind and gentle way to help you become more the person God created you to be.

Sarah Young goes on to write, speaking as Jesus,
The ability to verbalize is an awesome privilege, granted only to those I created in my image. You need help in wielding this mighty power responsibly.

Humans are the only creatures who can bless - or wound - with our words. We’re the only ones with language. It’s one of the things that makes us human. And we certainly do need help in handling this power we’ve been give to bless or wound people.

Communicate differently from the rest of the world She continues,
Though the world applauds quick-witted retorts, My instructions about communication are quite different: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. “

So many comedy TV shows are filled with quick, sarcastic retorts. It’s hard to follow sometimes. I picture writers for these TV shows in meetings all clamoring to get their sarcastic one-liner responses into the scripts, and so
they add one after the other after the other. But that’s not how we talk. It’s not how we live.

The reference to "be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry" is one of my favorites in the Bible. I conduct workshops on this passage from James 1:19, suggesting 5 principles of being quick to listen, and another 5 for what it means to be slow to speak. We’ll talk about these in future episodes. I’ve said this before, but what passes for communication skills in our culture today, is almost always about how and what to speak. Precious little on how to listen.

The best one-word prayer: Help! Back to Jesus talking to us:
Ask MY Spirit to help you whenever you speak. I have trained you to pray - “Help me, Holy Spirit” - before answering the phone, and you have seen the benefits of this discipline.

This so reminds me of Anne Lamont’s book about prayer, Help, Thanks, Wow. Help is the most basic of prayers.

Sarah Young goes on to say,
Simply apply the same discipline to communicating with people around you. If they are silent, pray before speaking to them. If they are talking, pray before responding. These are split-second prayers, but they put you in touch with My Presence. In this way, your speaking comes under the control of My Spirit.

What a great way of relating to others, and to Jesus. Asking Him to direct your thoughts and words in relating to others. In meeting with people as my wife and I do, and hearing their struggles, it’s often a matter of asking God for help in knowing how to respond. And it certainly is split second. Split nano-second to be sure.

The author concludes with,
As positive speech patterns replace your negative one, the increase in your Joy will amaze you.

Supporting verses from the Bible She then lists the James 1:19 verse about being quick to listen and slow to speak, followed by Proverbs 12:18, which says, “Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.”

And then Ephesians 4:29, “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”

For me, I find all of this the best relationship advice there is from this past summer. I’ll read Sarah Young’s two-paragraph entry from August 3rd again, without commentary from me so you can soak it all in.

The Best Relationship Advice from this past summer WATCH YOUR WORDS DILIGENTLY. Words have such great power to bless or to wound. When you speak carelessly or negatively, you damage others as well as yourself. The ability to verbalize is an awesome privilege, granted only to those I created in my image. You need help in wielding this mighty power responsibly.

Though the world applauds quick-witted retorts, My instructions about communication are quite different: Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Ask MY Spirit to help you whenever you speak. I have trained you to pray - “Help me, Holy Spirit” - before answering the phone, and you have seen the benefits of this discipline. Simply apply the same discipline to communicating with people around you. If they are silent, pray before speaking to them. If they are talking, pray before responding. These are split-second prayers, but they put you in touch with My Presence. In this way, your speaking comes under the control of my Spirit. As positive speech patterns replace your negative one, the increase in your Joy will amaze you.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode Let’s all of us wave back to summer by applying Sarah Young’s best relationship advice. Namely, pray, “Help me, Holy Spirit” before I talk to the silent people in my life, as well as before I respond to those who so readily talk.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please follow us wherever you get your podcasts, if you haven’t already done so.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act by asking for God’s help through his spirit before you talk to people. This will help you find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week, and the start of season six of You Were Made for This. Until then, goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to: 065 End with this Important Question

088 Thank You for Asking

112 Two Ways to Listen Well in 2021

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An important quality to look for in a friend is reflective thoughtfulness. It will help us become more reflective and thoughtful ourselves. It's the topic for today's episode, “An Important Quality to Look for In a Friend.”

Before we get into today’s program I want you to know this is the second last episode of season 5 of You Were Made for This. Next week, September 1, concludes season 5 with episode 120. Then the following week, the first Wednesday after Labor Day here in the United States, Season 6 will begin.

Unlike last year, there is no break between Season 5 and 6. I mentioned last year there’s a rhythm I feel when summer comes to an end, and the kids go back to school. I also used to go back to school when I was a teacher for 7+ years. And I can’t get that rhythm out of my system. For me, September is the start of all things new, even more so than January first. I can already feel the back-to-school adrenaline ramping up production in my body.

I wonder if any of you have these same back-to-school feelings.

Well on to today’s program When our kids were little we used to talk to them about what qualities to look for in choosing a friend. And for the most part, they did a fine job of picking friends that brought out the best in them, and vice versa.

It’s now decades later and I’m thinking about the same thing about my choice of friends. There’s a list of virtues I think most of us would agree upon, so there’s no need to go into those. But there is one other quality I’ve grown to appreciate in people lately. A quality I’ve become increasingly aware of that I haven’t paid as much attention to in the past.

Keep listening to learn what I’ve grown to value more in people, and what you could be looking for as well to add more depth to your relationships

How I stumbled upon this one quality to look for in a friend One of the things I enjoy about doing this podcast is getting feedback from listeners and my interaction with some of you.

Just recently I saw a common thread from podcast responses from two listeners, along with one Facebook post from another listener and friend. All three of them stimulated my thinking because each demonstrates an important quality I appreciate in a friend

A friend’s response to episode 115 on becoming more self-aware The first one comes from Darlene, a listener and family friend, in response to episode 115 on becoming more self-aware. I’ll put links to any of the episodes I mention today in the show notes. Here's what Darlene said, quoting from that 17th-century nun’s prayer I talked about in that episode:

“'Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places'. One of my favorite lines in Sister Olivia’s wise, sweet, deep, meaningful, spunky prayer!"

Darlene then goes on to say,

“Thinking of your friend as he and his daughter mark the first year without their beloved wife and mom. It is only grace that carries you through and into living in the changes such loss brings to the soul. “

Her comments are in reference to my friend Martin, who lost his wife Suzanne to a brain aneurysm on August 8th, a year ago. Both of them served as missionaries in China and Germany before moving to Chicago. I spoke of them in episodes 71 and 72.

The quality I appreciate about this friend’s response to episode 115 I appreciate Darlene’s reflective thoughtfulness. It’s the important virtue I’ve come to appreciate more and more when I see it in my friends, reflective thoughtfulness.

For example, she quotes the line from the prayer in episode 115, “Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places.” She found it, sweet, deep, and meaningful. You can tell it impacted her. How thoughtful of her to let me know, and in turn, all of you as well.
She remembered the impact Suzanne’s death had on Janet and me and still has. She remembered and acknowledged our loss. Remembering is such an important part of deepening relationships with people. Remember the ORA principle we keep talking about? Observe - Remember - Act
And then her comment, It is only grace that carries you through and into living in the changes such loss brings to the soul. What a caring and heartfelt response that comes from thoughtful reflection upon the deep experiences others are going through.

A friend’s response to episode 110 relationships we didn’t choose Here’s a second example of reflective thoughtfulness from another listener. Two days after episode 110 went live I got a text from my friend Randy in Pittsburgh.

Episode 110 is one about relationships we didn’t choose, and how many of us are shaped by the relationships of people who chose us, but we didn’t choose them. Like our parents, for example. The main point of that episode is Be kind to people who didn’t choose to have a relationship with you, but who have one with you anyway. It will bring out the best in you.

Here’s what Randy wrote:

“Good morning John,

“I loved this week’s podcast. In its own way, poking around at some deeper things I need to reflect on more. It’s been a hectic week, so I’m looking forward to listening to it again.
Randy”

The quality I appreciate about this friend’s reaction to episode 110 I appreciate Randy’s reflective thoughtfulness.

The episode stirred something within him
“Some deeper things I need to reflect on more”
I love his word choice, “poking around, deeper things I need to reflect on more, and then looking forward to listening to it again.
A thoughtful person thinks like this. They reflect. They take the time to do so
The thoughts of others, stimulate thoughts of his own. Not to talk about them yet, but to explore them more internally.

A Friend’s Facebook Post About Simone Biles and the 2021 Summer Olympics Finally, here’s a third example of reflective thoughtfulness. Another of my friends is also a listener to this podcast. Her name is Kat. I was struck by several things she wrote recently, not in response to a podcast episode, but by something she posted on Facebook the last week in August during the 2021 Summer Olympics in Tokyo.

Her posts were about gymnast Simone Biles pulling out of several Olympic events for mental health reasons. Here are a few excerpts from her posts”

Part of the reason I'm posting this as I'm curious what people think, [especially those who have studied things like you], so thanks for chiming in. I hadn't thought about the ongoing effects from the sexual assault

I'm interested not just in the individual side of this but the team side too. I don't think if Tom Brady had said he couldn't play in the Super Bowl or (the younger) Giannis the NBA championship due to mental health issues the reaction would have been as positive and understanding. There are a lot of factors to all this.

I don't think anyone here is disagreeing with you or criticizing her decision. And it makes sense to me that it's more dangerous for gymnasts. The more I think about the situation she's in, the more my heart goes out to her!!

Thinking through implications of an issue The point I'm making is how much of a generational shift there has been with all this. For example, I'm sure my brother, who coaches softball, has had or definitely now will have some of his players take "mental health days," even though that sport isn't life-threatening as gymnastics, except for maybe freak accidents?? That would have been inconceivable when I was playing.

There's also the somewhat separate issue of how Biles said she wanted to address the struggle when she pulled out of the team event, saying she wanted to "focus on herself."

I wholeheartedly agree with the importance of being mentally healthy! And doing what we can towards that end. But I think we're forgetting how much of a shift we've had over the past few years on this topic, elevating it above almost everything else? and also the way we go about it- like saying all we need is time to "focus on myself."

And for the record, I love talking about and processing through stuff like this, so thanks for chiming in

The quality I appreciate about this friend’s reaction to Simone Biles I appreciate Kat’s reflective thoughtfulness in her Facebook post

At one extreme people are criticizing Biles for letting her country down by withdrawing from competition to focus on her mental health. While others applaud her for paying attention to her body, recognizing her limits, and making a hard decision that she knew would not please everyone.
Kat threw out her thoughts and observation for the purpose of stimulating dialog about this complex issue, not to champion one point or the other.
What other people had to say helped her to see more about the issue than she originally considered
She takes a historic look at the issue, talking about a generational shift when it comes to individual responsibility and self-care.

So what does all this mean for YOU and me? How can we use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in our lives?

We can do ourselves a big favor by using the good we see in others as models of the good we want to develop in ourselves. For example:

We can be more thoughtfully reflective like Darlene, and let people know how what they say and do impact us for the good.
Like her, we can remember what people told us in the past and reference it now in the present, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
We can draw a connection between what we and others experience with the involvement of God in the affairs of mankind. Like when she talked about grace caring us through changes that bring loss to our soul.
We can also be more thoughtfully reflective like Randy, and let the experiences of others speak to things going on within us. Even if it’s just to “poke around more,” as Randy says, about issues that deserve more reflection.
We can be more like Kat and invite people to a place of reflective thoughtfulness to dialog about important issues, as she did on Facebook with the Simone Biles story.
Just as Kat did, we can go beyond surface issues that everyone talks about, and instead talk about the meaning and implications beyond the obvious. For example, in the Biles story, consider the larger issue of the interplay between perseverance in the midst of adversity, responsibility to one’s group, self-care, people-pleasing, and personal safety.
We can think and discuss complex issues like this as a way of growing and learning from others.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode Whatever important qualities we look for in a friend, develop and nurture those same qualities in ourself. Be for others what you want them to be for you.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.

Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please follow us from wherever you get your podcasts if you haven’t already done so.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to spend a little more time being thoughtfully reflective, so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 031: The Rhythms of our Relationship with Time

071: How to Help a Grieving Friend

072: What I Learned from a Grieving Friend

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 118, Relationship Lessons from 3 Unlikely Places.

If we pay attention, it’s interesting how we can pick up little nuggets of relationship lessons from unusual places. In today’s episode, I describe three of these unlikely sources of interpersonal relationship lessons.

One is from a CNN interview, another from a Saturday morning men’s coffee get-together, and the third from a desk calendar devoted to Cats.

Relationship lesson from a CNN Interview * In December 2020 CNN interviewed Dolly Parton. She told her interviewer that she almost always wakes up by 3 am. * "Every single day, before I do anything, I wake up and I thank God for the night and ask Him to bless the day and to bring all the right things...all the wrong people out of my life, and bring all the right stuff in," Parton said. "And just to guide me, lead me. And I always pray that he'll let me uplift mankind and glorify Him.” * In addition to prayer, Parton says she has daily scriptures and meditations that she reads as well. She credits the practice to grounding her during her packed days. * With regard to getting up at 3 am, the interviewer goes on to quote her, "I get more work done during that little period of time when the world is calm, energies are down, and I just feel like a farmer," Parton said about her early morning routine. She's either writing, answering emails, or doing call-ins. She even says that she's able to get a lot of her best work done during this time."They say the early bird gets the worm," Parton said. "Well, they also get a lot of good ideas too." * Links in the interview I read led to learning about her advocacy for childhood literacy * Growing up in rural Tennessee, the singer recalls many families not sending their children to school. “Kids had to go to the fields and work to help support all of these big families.” * Parton’s father was illiterate. “My own father didn’t get a chance to go to school,” she says. “He couldn’t read and write, and that hindered him a great deal because he was so smart. It really bothered him a lot.” * In 1995, Parton started the Imagination Library in honor of her father [who died in 2000] The charity sends free books every month to preschool-aged children. * So far, Imagination Library has distributed almost 85 million books in the United States, United Kingdom, Canada, and Australia.

“My dad was so proud when the kids would get the books. He just was prouder of that than probably my great success in show business.”

The relationship lesson learned * For me, it’s not about the time you awake. It’s about starting your day, whatever time that is for you, with God. It’s the most important relationship of all. * From Dolly Parton’s prayer, I learned the virtue of fitting my plans into God’s agenda, instead of asking God to fit into mine. * I also learned a beautiful way to honor our parents. To build upon a deficiency in their life, by doing what one can to eliminate that same deficiency in the life of others. I can’t afford to give away a million books a year to pre-schoolers, but I’m able to help teach one or two of them to read. I actually did this with my “Grandpa Academy.”

Relationship lesson from a Saturday Morning Men’s Coffee Get Together Text from Randy, July 17, 202. In reference to the book Personality Isn’t Permanent, the subject of episode 113, “Our Choices Define Us, Not Our Personality.” Randy took exception to an earlier episode, where I suggested we stay away from personality tests. So we talked about it.

John, you are going to crack up. This group of retired guys regularly comes to my “Saturday morning coffee place”. The one guy, John, came up to me today and asked how I’m doing and he saw “the book”

I hadn’t even read 1 page of the intro!!!! So, I told him about it and we talked briefly about not putting people into boxes….and then he said, “ in my old age I find my personality shifting all the time!” If for no other reason, this book has already started to be a great conversation starter!!!

The relationship lesson learned * Books can help build relationships, especially when they challenge long-held beliefs * We grow when we read, listen, and consider the viewpoints of others that differ from our own. It creates depth in our character. * Humor can be a great tool to connect us with one another, especially self-deprecating humor where we humble ourselves. * Personal growth flourishes in community, like Randy’s men’s group. Less so in isolation.

Relationship lesson from a Cat Calendar * My wife and I have a difference of opinion about whether or not to get a cat. We had several in the past. I want one; she doesn’t. So we’ve compromised. We’re not getting one. Yet. * Instead, and I may have mentioned this before, but our daughter gave me a cat desk calendar with pages you peel off for each day of the year. Each page has a picture of a cat and a quotation, usually totally unrelated to anything about cats.

Here’s the quote for July 19th

“I”m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

The relationship lesson learned * With a lie comes loss. With a loss comes grief. * Lies break trust. A lie today destroys trust that took years to build. * When we are lied to it resets a relationship and calls everything about our relationship into question. We have to start all over again. * For parents, teach this truth to your kids when they are very young. It’s so much harder the older they get.

So what does all that we considered in this episode mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas:

Imagine how our days would go if we started each one as Dolly Parton does, with a prayer where we thank God for a night of rest, and ask Him to bless today and to” bring all the right things...all the wrong people out of our life, and bring all the right stuff in. And just to guide us. And pray that he'll let us uplift mankind and to glorify Him.”
Honor someone close to us who has died, as Dolly Parton did with her father. Her Literacy Library gives away a million books a month to pre-school kids. Because her dad didn’t learn to read, she wants to help erase the same deficiency in others that her father experienced.
As far Randy’s Saturday Morning Men’s Coffee Get Together, how do you see your personality changing the older you get? What patterns have you noticed, both good and bad, as you age?
With regard to the Nietzsche quote, who are the people you can no longer believe? Can you give them a second chance? Is there anyone who can no longer believe you because you lied to them? What can you do to regain their trust?

One final thought If you have an open mind and are curious about the world, you don’t have to look very hard to learn relationship lessons. That is the common thread woven through the three sources of relationship lessons I shared today.

The Dolly Parton lesson is something that popped up on a news feed on my computer one morning. I didn’t go looking for it. Things like this can be a huge distraction, so we have to be careful. But every now and then a gem will pop up, like the one I shared.

The lesson learned from my friend Randy’s men’s group came in a text he sent to me. I didn’t go looking for it.

The relationship lesson I learned from my Cat calendar came from the simple act of turning to the next day of the year. I didn’t go looking for any profound relationship lesson. It just stared me in the face on its own.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode We can learn relationship lessons from some unusual places. Be on the lookout for them, because they will enrich your life.

Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven’t already done so. And forward this episode to others you think may be interested in today’s topic. This helps us serve more people like you.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act by looking for relationship lessons in unusual places. All so that you will

find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

A related episode you may want to listen to 113 “Our Choices Define Us, Not Our Personality”

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 117, What to Do When People Criticize Us.

Unless you’ve been raised by wolves and live in a remote forest out in the wild, it’s impossible to go through life without being criticized at one time or another, for one thing or another. How to respond to criticism is a relationship challenge. Do we go on the defensive and confront our critics? Or do we cower, and retreat with our tail between our legs? Or is there another option?

Today’s episode is about another option. A better option. Keep listening to learn what it is, and what to do when people criticize us.

The story starts with a shipwreck There’s a wonderful story in the New Testament of the Bible that illustrates a profound relationship principle. It’s in the book of Acts. As a backdrop to the story, we learn in chapter 27 that the Apostle Paul is on a boat headed to Rome when his ship encounters a terrible storm. It eventually becomes shipwrecked off the Island of Malta in the Mediterranean.

Dealing with a criticism The story picks up in chapter 28, where the Apostle Luke, the author of the Book of Acts, tells us the following, in the first ten verses:

1 Once we were safe on shore, we learned that we were on the island of Malta. 2 The people of the island were very kind to us. It was cold and rainy, so they built a fire on the shore to welcome us.

3As Paul gathered an armful of sticks and was laying them on the fire, a poisonous snake, driven out by the heat, bit him on the hand. 4 The people of the island saw it hanging from his hand and said to each other, “A murderer, no doubt! Though he escaped the sea, justice will not permit him to live.”

5 But Paul shook off the snake into the fire and was unharmed. 6The people waited for him to swell up or suddenly drop dead. But when they had waited a long time and saw that he wasn’t harmed, they changed their minds and decided he was a god.

7Near the shore where we landed was an estate belonging to Publius, the chief official of the island. He welcomed us and treated us kindly for three days. 8As it happened, Publius’s father was ill with fever and dysentery. Paul went in and prayed for him, and laying his hands on him, he healed him. 9Then all the other sick people on the island came and were healed. 10 As a result we were showered with honors, and when the time came to sail, people supplied us with everything we would need for the trip.

Context of the criticism The people of Malta were hospitable and welcoming to these shipwrecked sailors and their passengers. Luke describes them as very kind people in vs. 2. They take in Paul and his fellow travelers and cared for them in the cold and rain with a warm fire. Later in the story, the chief public official of the island is described as “kindly.” He hosted these shipwrecked travelers for three days in his home. These were a very kind and relational people.

Crux of the criticism The islanders call Paul a murderer because a snake bit him on his hand. They demonize him, based on limited information. It comes out of their worldview that had no basis in reality. A snake biting a person does not mean the person is a murderer. They developed a mythology to explain things they didn’t understand. Don’t we do the same thing to make sense out of the world we live in? We all want answers, even to the unanswerable.

To their credit, when they saw that no harm had come to Paul, the people of Malta quickly changed their mind. But then they go to the opposite extreme and call him a god. A murderer one minute, a god the next. How quickly their evaluation changed.

What we observe about Paul Paul helped with the fire by adding logs to it. He was being a good guest. The most amazing thing is that when he hears the people of Malta calling him a murderer, he remains silent. Yes silent! This is so unlike him. He was always quick in the past to stand up to his accusers. Yet here, he is quiet.

Why? Because he knew they were right. He was a murderer. Paul was responsible for the death of countless Christians before his conversion to Christianity. His critics were correct. He could have easily defended himself by saying this was part of his past before he became a Christian. But because of his faith in Jesus and the power of the cross, all his sins were forgiven, and that he is a completely new person in light of God’s forgiveness. He could have said all that with complete accuracy.

I wonder why he didn’t speak this truth into their lives. I wonder if he felt they weren’t ready to hear words of truth. People need to be willing and ready. Telling people truth before they’re receptive to it can often make things worse. It takes discernment to know when to speak and when to remain silent.

Actions speak louder than words In this situation, Paul says nothing and instead flings the snake back into the fire. The snake is a symbol of the criticism he faced. It represents his old sin nature before he became a new creation at the time he committed his life to Jesus, totally forgiven of his past evil life.

Instead of defending himself with words, Paul uses the gifts God has equipped him with to take action. Action to bless people, in this case starting with the father of Publius, the island official. Paul heals him of a fever and dysentery. And then other sick people flock to him and Paul heals them, too.

I love the last line of this passage from Acts 28,

“As a result, we were showered with honors, and when the time came to sail, people supplied us with everything we would need for the trip.”

What a beautiful story and example for us in how to respond when people criticize us.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas:

Be as honest as you can with yourself. Is there any truth to what people are criticizing you for? If so, do I need to apologize to anyone? Do I need to make things right with someone?
Ask, “What does Jesus say about me?” Even if my critics are 100% accurate in their judgment, what does Jesus think about me?
Ask God for wisdom. Wisdom to know what to say to my critics, and when to say it. Wisdom to know when to remain silent, and when to let my actions speak for me

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode When people criticize us, remind ourselves of who we are because of what Jesus did for us on the cross. Ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom to keep doing what Jesus called us to do, just like Paul did, regardless of the criticism.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing I’ll close with the July 13th devotional reading from Sarah Young’s book, Jesus Calling. The author writes from the perspective of Jesus, speaking in the first person to the reader, and in our case today, to you as listener:

I want you to experience the riches of your salvation: the Joy of being loved constantly and perfectly. You make a practice of judging yourself, based on how you look or behave or feel. If you like what you see in the mirror, you feel a bit more worthy of My love. When things are going smoothly and your performance seems adequate, you find it easier to believe you are My beloved child. When you feel discouraged, you tend to look inward so you can correct whatever is wrong.

Instead of trying to “fix” yourself, fix your gaze upon Me, the lover of your soul. Rather than using your energy to judge yourself, redirect it to praising Me. Remember that I see you clothed in my righteousness, radiant in My perfect Love.

The author then lists three bible passages from which she derives her thoughts on how she imagines Jesus calling us.

Finally, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven’t already done so. And forward this episode on to others you think may be interested in today’s topic. This helps us to serve more people like you.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. Especially when people criticize you. All so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

A related episode you may want to listen to 037 The Two-Step Process to Solve Relationship Conflicts

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 116, “Finding Joy from a Thank You note.”

Most days of the week I take a 30-minute walk early in the morning around our neighborhood. On one recent morning, I was feeling especially down for no apparent reason. I get that way sometimes, and taking a brisk walk seems to help.

At the end of my morning walk, I go to our mailbox to get our newspaper delivered to the box right below it. And then I open our mailbox in case I forgot to get the mail from the day before. 99% of the time it’s empty.

But on this particular depressing morning, there was a note in the mailbox that changed everything for me that day. Keep listening and I’ll tell you about the note and how it brought joy into my day.

A mysterious note The note was in a purple envelope, handwritten and addressed to Janet and me. I wondered at first who it was from, and what it was for. So I opened the envelope and found a “thank you” note inside.

“Thanks for what,” I wondered. Inside the note read,

“Janet and John, thank you for the yummy snacks, cute butterfly cookie, and coloring book.”

Underneath this was a small hand-drawn heart and then a name I couldn’t read at first, but quickly realized it said “Gwen.”

Gwen?, I thought. Gwen? Oh yeah, that Gwen.

Why the note The previous weekend Janet and a friend organized a get-together for several new neighbors who recently moved here, to get acquainted and welcome them to the neighborhood.

One family that was coming had a 4-year-old daughter, and she was going to be the only child among all these big people. That would be Gwen. So knowing this, and to help her stay less bored with all these adults, she was given a gift bag with …guess what? Yummy snacks, a cute butterfly cookie, and a coloring book.

And so to thank us, Gwen, with prompting from her parents I’m sure, expressed her appreciation with a thank you note placed in our mailbox

A reminder Janet and I both got a big kick out of this thank you note from a 4-year old. It lifted my spirits and brought a measure of joy into my heart that day. What good parents she has in raising her to do things like this. After keeping the note on our counter for a few days I later placed it in a folder I have marked “Thank You Cards Received - 2021.”

All of this reminded me of episode 87 of this podcast from this past January. It was about making a relational New Year’s resolution for the year. I’ll have a link to it in the show notes.

The point of that episode, and the New Year’s resolution, was to make it our goal to receive many “Thank You” cards or notes for the rest of 2021. It was to do something significant for someone that would prompt the person to send you a thank you note.

How are we doing so far? If you’re a regular listener, have you forgotten this resolution? I did for a time. But this "thank you" note from 4-year old Gwen brought it back to mind. The main point was not the “thank you” note itself. Rather, it was to do something for someone that they so appreciated that it moved them to tell you so in writing. Not a text. Not an email. Something in writing. Ink, pencil, or crayon on some form of paper.

Well, we are just past the mid-point of the year, and I’m wondering how we are all doing with keeping this New Years' resolution. If you’ve done nothing, or are new to the podcast, that’s okay. It’s never too late to start now.

Ideas for you To give you ideas of how this could work for you, here’s what Janet and I did to get the 19 “Thank You” notes or cards we’ve received:

We gave graduation gifts to 2 high school students
We got cards from 2 missionary couples, each of whom stayed with us a week to 10 days each. One couple stayed twice this year and left a written thank you card with us each time.
We sent flowers for my 100-year-old aunt’s funeral, who died in February.
I got a card from Janet earlier in the year, thanking me for emptying the dishwasher in the morning. (Oops! I forgot to do it this morning.)
We gave some money to a friend to help with funeral expenses for her husband who died so unexpectedly.
A missionary serving in South America, thanked me in a written note for our online conversations to help her work through a difficult family relationship issue.

Remember the real issue Remember, the “thank you” note or card is not the issue. Doing something meaningful for another person that evokes an expression of gratitude is the issue.

Another example is we gave a small one-time donation to help a young couple going to the mission field the first time. That prompted a “thank you” note from them.
We also got cards from 2 couples we had over for dinner. They’re part of a new church we’ve been helping get started.
Then a single person we had for dinner another time also sent us a “thank you” note.
A small check we sent to friends going through a costly family emergency resulted in a “thank you” note from them.
We also received 4 written “thank you” notes from listeners to the podcast, expressing their appreciation about one thing or another they found meaningful in the podcast.
Then, of course, the thank you from 4-year-old Gwen that I found in our mailbox recently.

So what does all this mean for YOU? I hope you’re reminded, like I was, to send a written note of appreciation to someone who has been kind or thoughtful to you. It’s so easy for all of us to forget. It’s so easy to take people for granted. But it's not too late to get started.

In fact, Gwen’s note prompted me to send a “thank you” note myself to friends who recently had us over for dinner.

A few of the things Janet and I did to get a “thank you” note involved spending a little money. If you don’t have any money to spare, there are so many other things you can do to bless people. Bless people with your words. Bless them with your deeds…like emptying the dishwasher in the morning.

Just call before you come.

It’s not too late this year to get started doing something kind and thoughtful for another person, even if they never thank you. Be kind anyway. It will bring out the best in you.

And if you’re a parent, teach your kids what Gwen’s parents are teaching her: When someone goes out of their way to do something thoughtful for you, be sure to thank them. Thank them in writing.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode It comes from the Bible. The Book of Hebrews, chapter 10:24:

Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. Thanking people for what they do, and who they are, is one way of doing this.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode, especially examples of Thank You notes you’ve received. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please forward this episode on to others you think might be interested in today’s content.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

A related episode you may want to listen to:

087: Make it a Relational New Year’s Resolution

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One way we can foster deep and fulfilling relationships is by becoming more self-aware. It helps keep our relationships from slowly drifting to the shallow end of the pool, where they’re just not as much fun as they are in the deep end.

The problem is many of us are not nearly as self-aware as we think we are. How to become so is a challenge, which is the topic of today’s episode. So keep listening.

Some help from the 17th century A number of years ago I came across an intriguing prayer. I wish I could remember where I found it, but I don’t. I’ve used it in several workshops I’ve given, and in fact, wrote a blog piece about it last summer. I’ll have a link to it in the show notes.

It’s simply titled “17th Century Nun’s Prayer”

I wish I knew something about the poet, especially her name, but I don’t know that either. As I read her prayer to you, see if you can figure out why I find it intriguing.

So here goes, 17th Century Nun’s Prayer:

An intriguing prayer Lord, Thou knowest better than I know myself, that I am growing older and will someday be old. Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out everybody’s affairs. Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, but Thou knowest Lord that I want a few friends at the end.

Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point. Seal my lips on my aches and pains. They are increasing, and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by. I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales of others’ pains, but help me to endure them with patience.

I dare not ask for improved memory, but for a growing humility and a lessening cocksureness when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken.

Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not want to be a Saint – some of them are so hard to live with – but a sour old person is one of the crowning works of the devil. Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, and talents in unexpected people. And, give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so.

AMEN

Self-Awareness is about O.R.A. Observe - Remember - Act I’m intrigued by this prayer for a number of reasons. First off, there’s a bit of humor and edginess to it. I like to think God has a sense of humor, and that he appreciates a little edginess from time to time.

The prayer also intrigues me because it’s an example of the ORA Principle of Deepening our Relationships we’ve been talking about in recent episodes. Observe - Remember - Act. I’ll have links to a few of these as well in the show notes.

Observe Our 17th-century nun doesn’t have a name, but for our purposes, let’s see, I’ll call her Sister Olivia. A perfectly good nun’s name from the 1600s.

Sister Olivia is self-aware and observes some things within herself she doesn’t like, and she asks God to remove these things from her life. Her prayer is one of reduction, “take these things from me” is her plea to God. For example,

Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out everybody’s affairs. Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy….

Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; … seal my lips on my aches and pains…

Her prayer is a great example of self-awareness, which is such an important part of relational intelligence.

Remember Sister Olivia remembers her flaws, and for the most part, does not get defensive about them. She owns them and recalls how these idiosyncrasies have gotten in the way of her relationships.

She also remembers that to rid herself of these flaws will take supernatural power from God. She can’t do it on her own. It's a big part of self-awareness.

Act Given what she observes in herself, and what she remembers about her weaknesses, Sister Olivia takes action. She prays to God to help her be the person He created her to be. She knows she can’t do this on her own, so she takes action by calling upon God to help her.

So what’s the point of all this for YOU? It would be easy to dismiss this “prayer” as something cute and funny. That would be a mistake in my view. The “prayer” a good example of the power of self-awareness in helping us relate better with each other. And with our self.

It’s Romans 12: 3 all over again, “… Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.”

Wouldn’t you like to be friends with someone like this nun who is so self-aware? Wouldn’t you like her to be your neighbor? I know I would.

Imagine what our relationships would be like if all of us prayed as she did? Your flaws and my flaws may well be different than hers. But what if we each of us asked the Holy Spirit to reveal our weaknesses to us, and to show how they are keeping our relationships from being all they could be? And then ask God for the wisdom and power to more like the men and women he created us to be.

The prayer one more time Lord, Thou knowest better than I know myself, that I am growing older and will someday be old. Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out everybody’s affairs. Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, but Thou knowest Lord that I want a few friends at the end.

AMEN

Best Line:

Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, and talents in unexpected people. And, give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode The more self-aware we are, the greater the possibility for significant meaningful relationships.

Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful feel free to forward this episode to others you think might be interested in today’s content.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that by becoming more and more self-aware you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to being with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 088: Get them to Say “Thank You for Asking”

089: How to Be a Better Observer of People

Related blog post August 19, 2020, “How to Age Well”

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 114, “Learn how to Age Well in 2021.”

Before we get started Several weeks ago a family friend stopped over to our house, and on her way out the door, she said, “Oh, by the way, I listened to your podcast this morning [episode 109, Rekindle Relationships by Remembering]. It made me feel guilty about a friend of mine who lost her husband a year ago. So I called her to set up a time to get together. Thank you.”

This was certainly encouraging to know. I hope others of you are remembering a key event or two in the life of your friends and then taking action on what you remember to rekindle or deepen your relationship with that person.

On to today's program Last week’s episode, number 113, Our Choices Define Us, Not Our Personality was a review of Benjamin Hardy’s book, Personality Isn’t Permanent. In his book there is a 6-word paragraph that I’ve been thinking about all week that I’m making the subject of today’s episode. Those six words?

“People become old far too fast”

Keep listening to hear what we can do to keep from becoming old far too fast.

People become old far too fast To put this six-word paragraph into its context, I’ll read a brief section from Hardy’s book:

“As a person ages, they tend to stop engaging in new situations, experiences, and environments. In other words, people’s personalities become increasingly consistent because they stop putting themselves in new contexts. p. 200.

“By the time a person reaches their thirties, they stop having as many ‘first experiences,’ as an example, first time driving, first job, first big failure, etc.

“As people age, they become increasingly less open to having new experiences. They stop surrounding themselves with new types of people. They stop engaging in new roles and in new environments. New challenges aren't taken on anymore. They stop experiencing new emotions.

"People become old far too fast.”

Don’t avoid the “new” The operative word in his comments is “new.” The author writes how people who become old far too fast avoid “new.” By my count he uses the word “new” eight times in the section I just read.

I don’t know about you, but I wonder if this is true for me, too. Do I avoid “new”?

Because truth be told, I’m a fan of “old.” Old ways of doing things. Familiar foods, familiar clothes, familiar people. Old ways of dealing with life that I think have served me well.

But maybe I’m missing something. How about you? Maybe we all need a little more “new” in our lives to age well.

Hmm. If you’re with me on this, I’d like to suggest we focus on just one new thing to keep us from becoming old far too fast.

It’s this: learn one new skill. And that skill would be INVESTING. Yes, investing. Not investing money, but investing in ourselves, and investing in others

Investing in ourselves * In my twenties, during my high school teaching days, I would spend an hour a week on my future. Started with anticipating my future as a teacher. MS in counseling that led to something totally away from my intended goal * Benjamin Hardy, the author of Personality isn’t Permanent would call it investing in my “future self.” The person I want to be * We can invest in ourselves by reading * Be open to new relationships to age well in 2021 * Learning new relationship skills, such as listening. How to ask questions. How to fight the urge to fill the airwaves with the sound of our voice * Make room for God in ways you haven't before. Make room for him * We can invest in ourselves by studying the Bible to learn how to be more kind, compassionate, and patient with one another * Another way we can invest in ourselves is to acknowledge our fears and practice trusting people more. And God more, too. * Listen to episodes 11-14 about the four levels of relationship skill. I’ll have a link to them in the show notes.

Investing in others * When you invest money, you expect a return on your investment. You expect to get something back. It’s not always that way with relationships * Invest in people without any exception of a return on your investment * Quote from basketball coaching legend, John Wooden, who said, “You haven't had a perfect day until you've done something for someone who can never repay you.” * Being with kids keeps you from aging too fast * Teachers and others who work with kids have a great opportunity to invest in others * Mr. Littaritz’s funeral, June 19, 2021. Most of his 87 years on earth were spent investing in others, namely teenagers

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas:

Invest in others. Example: Mr. Littaritz. He prepared his students for the draft, running his P.E. class like boot camp. The marching, the barking at students. And at times with a smirk afterward
Invest in yourself to age well. Devout an hour a week for your future like I did in my 20s
Colossians 3:10 “Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him.”
Learning to know your creator and becoming like him is a great way to invest in yourself.

Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode We can age well by investing in our self and in others. It keeps our focus more on the new and less on the old. And it prevents us from aging faster than we should.

Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so. Feel free to forward this episode to others you think might be interested in today’s content.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related resources you may want to check out Dr. Benjamin Hardy’s book, Personality Isn’t permanent

Prior episodes:

113 Our Choices Define Us, Not Our Personality.

105 How to Listen Better

044: Thankful for the People Who Invested in Us

011 Relationship Skills - Level 1

012 Relationship Skills - Level 2

013 Relationship Skills - Level 3

014 Relationship Skills - Level 4

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Our choices define us, not our personality. We are what we choose to make happen, and how we choose to respond to whatever may happen to us.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 113. If you’ve listened to this program for any length of time you know I say at the end of each episode that I would appreciate hearing back from listeners with any reaction they have to that week’s episode. Up until just recently, the response has been very positive. This streak, however, came to an end with episode 107 from a few weeks ago, Seeing is Believing. Or is it?

This was the program about the quote from Jesus that a prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown. I talked about the reaction of the people from Nazareth to Jesus, based on the assumptions they made about him because of his family.

Then in passing, I mentioned to avoid making assumptions about people, we need to “stay away from personality tests like the Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram. They create self-fulling prophecies and they microwave our understanding of people.”

When my wife Janet heard this she told me, “You’re going to get in trouble for that comment.” And boy was she right. Keep listening to hear about the strong reaction I got from a listener, how I processed it, and how it leads into the topic of today’s program.

A negative response from a listener The negative response I got was actually from a good friend of mine, by the name of Randy. We’ve been friends for a long time. We used to go to the same church until he moved to Pittsburgh for a job change. Randy sent me a strongly worded email saying he found great value in the Myers-Briggs and Enneagram personality tests because they helped him understand himself and others better.

His email deserved a conversation, not another email. So we arranged a time to talk, and he gave me a chance to explain myself. I shared a couple of stories about how I was marginalized in two separate situations by people in leadership based solely on how I scored on their favorite personality test. Thoughts I had about an issue were discounted because, as in one instance, I was told, “Oh, you’re an INFJ and that’s how you think.” The merits of my input were never considered. My test score shut down any further dialog.

Randy and I talked more about where each of us was coming from, and he shared a story of when a group leader marginalized him, too. So we had that connection. I don’t think either of our minds were changed, but we now understood each other much better. It wasn’t long before we transitioned into getting caught up on each other’s lives about other things. After hanging up on the call, I so appreciated having a friendship with someone where we could challenge each other’s points of view and still remain friends. I hope you have relationships like this.

All this to say, my conversation with Randy prompted me to share with you in a review of an interesting book I think any regular listener to this podcast would enjoy. Even Randy.

Book review The name of the book is Personality Isn’t Permanent - Breaking Free From Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story. It’s by Dr. Benjamin Hardy, an organizational psychologist. He is also a blogger and a regular contributor to Inc. Magazine and Psychology Today. The book came out last year in June of 2020. It's about how our choices define us, not our personality.

Who the book is for * People fond of personality tests like the Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, DISC, etc. The book may very well change your mind about these instruments. * As the author puts it, “If you’re someone who’s tried making big changes in your life but feels stuck or discouraged, then this book is for you.” * People with a painful past. Those coming out of a dysfunctional family. Trauma survivors. The author himself comes from a broken home and his life was a big hot mess until going on a church mission turned his life around (I think he must be a Mormon) * People with self-limiting beliefs, who feel trapped or stuck * Optimists * Caregivers and people helpers, especially those who interact with others who have a victim mindset * People interested in the psychology of human behavior * Those who resonate with the concept that our choices define us, not our personality

Structure of the Book * 7 chapters, 230 pages, plus acknowledgments, 10 pages of footnotes, and a 6-page index * An introduction, entitled “A Personality Test Almost Ruined Life.” * The author cites quite a few research studies to support his points, and he includes interesting stories to illustrate them. * An easy read, yet one I found myself underlining the key points he is making in the book. * Interesting quotes and one-liners sprinkled throughout the book like,

“People become old far too fast,” p.202
“A mistake repeated more than once is a decision,” p. 97
“Always make your future bigger than your past,” p.141
“Never mind searching for who you are. Search for the person you aspire to be,” p. 174

The cover of the book is ingenious. It encapsulates the premise of the book. There’s a large yellow pencil on the left-hand side and eraser filings on the top as a background for part of the title. It’s a masterful illustration of the title, Personality Isn’t Permanent.

Premise of the book It is so much more than a book about personality. It's more about how our choices define us. I’ll quote from page four of the introduction:

“The argument of this book is that your ‘personality' doesn’t matter. Even more, your personality is not the most fundamental aspect of who you are. Instead, your personality is surface-level, transitory, and a by-product of something much deeper.

“The most fundamental aspect of your humanity is your ability to make choices and stand by those choices, what Viktor Frankel called the last of human freedoms, ‘To choose one’s own way.’ Choosing your own way has at least two key meanings: making decisions about what you want to happen and choosing how you respond to what does happen. Choosing one’s own way is what makes one human - and the more you own the power of your own decision-making, the more your life and outcomes will be in your control.”

Take-aways from the book * It’s a rich combination of research, theory, and practical application of principles, especially how our choices define us. * The book is full of hope that we can all be better versions of ourselves, if we want to be. * He talks a lot about focusing on our future self, about making decisions that will be consistent with the person we want to be, not necessarily the person we are now. * The author extols the practices of fasting and tithing. He tells the story of George in the “Enhance Your Subconscious” chapter who tithed on 10% of what he intended to earn in the future, not what he already earned. [read from p. 193] * So many rich concepts in the book. Here are just a few, which I will quote verbatim

Quotes from the author You become who you choose to be. p.5

There is no such thing as a personality type. Personality types are social or mental constructions, not actual realities. There is no science behind the idea of personality types, and most of the popular personality quizzes were created by people who had no business trying to define people. p. 26

We overemphasize the importance of the past, which leads us to become increasingly narrow in how we view ourselves and the world. p. 37

How we describe, interpret, and identify with our past has far more to do with where we are here and now, than it does with our actual past, p. 48

“Authenticity” these days is usually another way of saying “I have a fixed mindset.’ I am a certain way and shouldn’t be expected to do anything but what comes immediately naturally and easy for me. I shouldn’t have to do anything but what feels good right now.” p. 62

Every behavior has a reason. Realizing why you’re engaging in a specific behavior is fundamental to becoming a conscious human being. p. 74.

On pages 128-135 he talks about being an “empathetic witness.” How we need these kinds of people in our lives, and how we can be an empathetic witness to others. It’s all about caring for others.

Advice for getting the most out of life A quote from T.S. Eliot about reframing our past, “What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we begin from.” p. 166

The author talks about the importance of expressing one’s emotions to trusted “empathetic witnesses” in the chapter on “Enhance Your Subconscious.”

“Rather than being defined by your former behaviors, you can and should be defined by your future behaviors.” p, 195.

In chapter 6, “Redesign Your Environment” he cites a 1979 research study. [Read from pages 197-198].

“Putting yourself in new environments, around new people, and taking on new roles is one of the quickest ways to change your personality, for better or worse. Fully take on roles you assume and you’ll change from the outside in.” p. 199

Pages 227- 229 is the story of Melissa who experienced several devastating tragedies in life. She wrote about them in journals. The author describes how she processed these tragedies: “While reading through her journals, and while journaling and praying at length, she had a paradigm shift. She began to see her past differently. For most of her life she had felt like a victim. She had felt she was cursed by God. But while reading those old journals and reflecting on her experiences she saw her experiences differently. Rather than curses, she saw compliments. Her's is a great example of how our choices define us, and that we don't have to live life as a victim.

“God really trusts you,” she thought to herself. “Everything I’ve gone through is a gigantic compliment from God not only for what I can handle but for what he wants me to do.”

Why It’s Worth Reading * It’s consistent with biblical principles of living * It’s a great application of Romans 12: 2, “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God’s will is for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” * It’s a great application of Philippians 1: 6, “…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” * I found it inspiring to think more about the diminishing amount of future I have each day and how to make it the best it can be in ways that bring out the best in me and blesses others.

Amazon Reviews of the Book * 1551 reviews at the time of this writing of the show notes, 85% of which are 5-star reviews * The few negative reviews said there’s nothing new here. I respectfully disagree. Not many other authors are criticizing personality tests, or touting the benefits of taking a mission, tithing, or fasting.
He talks about some common themes of daily life, but often from a unique perspective
Then there’s always comments like, “He didn’t write about this; he didn’t write about that.” In other words, because he didn’t write about what I wanted to read, it’s not that great a book.
“The book was life-changing” was a common theme in the many positive reviews

So what does all this mean for YOU? Read the book. Get it from your library or buy a copy. If it resonates with you, put into practice what the author suggests.

It will take wisdom and guidance from the Holy Spirit to individualize personal applications of the book.

Ask a few people if they’d like to go through the book as a group. Form a little book club. Practice the principles mentioned in the book as a group. It would be a great summer read.

Have your teenagers read the book!

If you lead a group of people in your job, church, or organization, read the book as a group and discuss it. It would be a great way for the people you lead to learn how to care for each other by learning how to listen better.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our personality doesn’t define us. Our choices define us. What we choose to make happen, and our choices in responding to whatever may happens to us. This is what defines us.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode, just like Randy shared his thoughts about a prior episode

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Now go out and get the book. Goodbye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show Episode 107, Seeing is Believing. Or is it?

Personality Isn’t Permanent - Breaking Free From Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story. by Benjamin Hardy, Ph.D.

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 112, Three Ways to Listen Well in 2021.

When I give workshops on how to listen well I like to give examples of both good and bad listening. I usually use samples of both from Facebook posts or catchy cartoons. But these are just visual. What I really would like to use for examples would be video clips from both ends of the listening spectrum. Sometimes movie excerpts will work for this, but the best examples are from real-life encounters between people.

If Janet and I are in a restaurant or in a crowd of people I will sometimes say, “I wish I could make a video of those people over there and how they’re engaging with each other.” We run into all kinds of bad examples of people talking over each other, drawing attention to themselves, quickly changing the subject, and missed opportunities for connection. These are all too common.

But I recently witnessed a brief, but beautiful interaction between two strangers at a high school graduation party I wish I could have recorded. It would make my highlight reel of how to listen well. Stay with me now as I describe what happened because it will give you an idea or two for how you can listen well to the people in your life.

Listener responses to a prior episode Before I describe the story of this interaction, I want to share a response from a listener to episode 106, How to Have a Great Family Vacation in 2021.

John, Good morning. Thanks for today’s podcast. Where were you 25 years ago? This would have [served me well then] and will serve me, well going forward.

This is the episode where I offered a free downloadable pdf entitled 5 Keys to Making Your Family Vacation the Best Ever in 2021. Click here if you haven’t gotten your copy.

Now for today’s story of great listening

The scene * In South Carolina to attend our grandson Nathan’s high school graduation * Later in the day, his best friend’s parents invited all of us to their house for a small graduation party. Just two extended families. * Didn’t know the host at all. I’ll call him Dave. Nice guy. * Most of us were in the backyard, and Dave took a break from cooking on the grill and sat down on a patio chair to rest for a bit and talk with his guests.

Transparent expression of grief Out of the blue, he wistfully remarked,

“I remember 9 years ago I was on the campus of my alma mater thinking, someday my son Jason [not his real name] will leave home and will be walking on a campus like this. Now in just a few months, that’s going to happen.

I’m not ready for this.”

How do you listen well to a comment like this?

Response to vulnerability * At first, there was no response to this heartfelt expression of loss. “I’m not ready for my son to leave home for college 700 miles away.” Just silence from the guests * Myself included. Then I started remembering how I had similar feelings as Dave when our kids went off to college many years ago. And now just last fall with our twin grandsons * I was flooded with remembering the initial sadness, and how I wasn’t ready for it either. I also remember the joy that eventually followed. It reminded me a little bit like death, this very stark jump from one stage of parenting I was comfortable with, to an entirely new stage I knew nothing about. * I really felt for the guy.

The ORA principle: Observe. Remember. Act Breaking the silence was my wife Janet’s response to Dave, a complete stranger.

“Yeah, and then they come home for a weekend visit from college, and sometime on Sunday they announce, ‘Well, I guess it’s time for me to head back home.’

“Home???? Your college dorm room is now home???? What about THIS place, isn’t this your home?”

Observe Janet paid attention to the words Dave spoke, but also to the feelings he expressed in saying those words. She saw them in his body language. He was grieving. He was feeling the loss of his son. Life will not be the same in a few months.

Remember In responding to Dave, Janet later told me she was intentional about applying what she learned in I Hear You the book I reviewed in episode 105, How to Listen Better

Janet remembered what it was like for her when our kids went off to college. She remembered her feelings, which allowed her to more closely identify with his.

Act * Janet acted by putting into practice the central thesis of the I Hear You book by affirming Dave’s feeling of loss and sadness over bringing to a close the only chapter of parenting he knew. Her comment about when a child starts calling his dorm room home, and how surprising that is to a parent, showed she understood Dave’s feelings. She normalized his emotions, which is a powerful way to affirm what someone is feeling. And she did it without saying, “that’s normal." * Instead, Janet showed Dave it was normal by her comments which so aligned with his. * She refrained from interjecting her story into his. She refrained from re-living that painful part of parenting. * Janet kept the focus on him, by keeping it off of herself. * She did the hard work of refraining from giving advice, and of just being quiet in this tender moment. * Janet acted by holding back advice like, you’ll get over it soon. It’s every parents’ job to guide their child to independence. * “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” ~ W.C. Fields

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas:

Lots of parents are like Dave this time of year, thinking about their kid going off to college. Be kind to them. Watch out for them.

Listen to episode 69, When Our Kids Go Off to School for The First Time. It offers a suggestion like this:

Call a parent who just got back from taking their kid to college and hauling their boxes of stuff to their first dorm room. “How did it go for you?”

You can also send a card or note in the mail that says something like this:

“I’ve been thinking about you, and praying for you as you process (kids name) heading off to school/college for the first time. I imagine it may be difficult to end one chapter of parenting, and entering this new unknown one.” Something like that.

We have opportunities to bless people with our words. God can use us in this capacity. Take advantage of these opportunities.

Here’s the main point of today’s episode The first thing to do to listen well to someone is to affirm their feelings without presenting a silver lining to their dark cloud. The second thing is avoid interjecting your own story into theirs.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes.

I’m especially interested in any experiences you’ve had as described in today’s show, and how you handled that experience.

Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so. You can also help us to serve more people when you leave a review wherever you get your podcasts.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.
Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 106, How to Have a Great Family Vacation in 2021

105, How to Listen Better

069, When Our Kids Go Off to School for The First Time.

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Often when we’re tired and burdened, Jesus shows up in unusual ways, inviting us to find rest in him in the midst of difficult circumstances. Keep reading to learn How to Find Rest in Difficult Circumstances.

Have you ever found yourself so weary and tired because of a relationship issue, where there didn’t seem to be any attractive options to deal with that issue? I bet you have.

Today’s episode is about a time I was in this situation, where I just wanted to find rest from a nagging concern and not deal with it. I eventually learned, in a most unusual way, a surprising relationship solution to my relationship problem.

I know what I learned could help you, too. It starts here.

A summer job In last week’s episode, no. 110, Relationships We Didn’t Choose, I mentioned the summer job my guidance counselor found for me after I graduated from high school. It was a factory job at a small manufacturing company that made folding tables for school cafeterias. Recently I checked online and discovered they’re still in business. I thought of stopping in to say, “Hi,” but then realized anyone I had worked with would have been dead for decades by now.

I was so fortunate that Mrs. Roller told me about this job. It paid well, over $2.00 an hour, double what I earned in my after-school restaurant job. I got to learn a variety of things, like running a punch press, spot welding, and working a drill press. None of the jobs were terribly hard, but being in a factory, it was hot, and it made me sweat a lot. I also worked there during Christmas break from college, because they need help counting all their inventory of parts by the end of the year.

The good people I worked with The men I worked with were all very nice. There was Harlow, the manager, a kind man with a mid-century crew cut, who ran the place. Gil, the foreman who always wore bib overalls, and who spent most of his day fixing machines that broke. Adam, the man who taught me how to use the punch press, and who told me, “If when you’re done with college that teaching thing doesn’t work out, you’ll have this to fall back on… as long as you don’t get your hands stuck in the punch press.”

Then there was Carl, who was from Lithuania and walked with a slight limp and spoke with a thick European accent. Another guy with an even thicker accent, who could barely speak English, was Fritz. He was from Germany. Rumor had it he was a German soldier during WWII whose job it was to drive a Nazi officer around in a two-person motorcycle. This could explain why he and Carl from Lithuania never spoke to each other.

Finally, there was Eddie, an older single guy with a limp four times worse than Carl’s. He appeared to have been a stroke victim because he had to use one of his arms to move the other. I admired all the things he could do in spite of his handicap.

These were the people I worked with. They accepted me as one of their own, even though we were so different. They had more history than future; I had more future than history.

A scene I remember to this day One scene in particular from this factory job the summer of my 19th year comes to my mind every now and then. It happened on a late Saturday afternoon at the end of a 53-hour-work-week. We had all been putting in a lot of hours, and I was grateful for the 13 hours of overtime pay. It was going to be a big help in paying for my college tuition for the upcoming fall semester of my sophomore year.

I got to work in those days using the city bus. To return to my home in the suburbs I had to take 2 different bus routes. This particular Saturday afternoon I got onto the second bus exhausted, hot, and sweaty from my factory job. I dragged my body to the rear of the nearly empty bus, and sat down on one of two bench seats, perpendicular to the rest of the forward-facing seats.

I then stared out the window directly across from me and noticed the ads placed along the top of all the windows. They were about 3 feet wide by 18 inches tall. One of the ads in particular caught my eye. It was stuck between two other ads, for things like Chesterfield cigarettes and Cutty Sark whiskey.

An ad from the Lutherans The eye-catching ad for me was from the Lutheran Church, displaying a picture of Jesus and the words from Matthew 11:28-30 in the Bible.

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Hmm. That’s me, I thought. I’m weary and I’m carrying a heavy burden. I was so tired from all the hours of heat and sweat from my summer job. And now I was heading home, a place where I did not want to be because of the strife and tension there. But as much as I liked my co-workers, I didn’t want to be at work either. So I kept staring at that ad, reading the words from Jesus several times.

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Jesus said, “Come to me” Maybe these Lutherans were on to something. Maybe I should follow their advice from their ad, and the Bible, to come to Jesus. I didn’t exactly know how to do that. Just a few months earlier I had become a Christ-follower at a Campus Crusade for Christ meeting. So I had already come to Him. But many things about Jesus were all so new to me. There was so much I didn’t understand.

Nevertheless, I found a strange sense of peace from that Bible verse the Lutherans advertised. “Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” What I learned that afternoon at the back of the bus was the rest I so deeply wanted is found in a person, not a place.

I wasn’t exactly sure how it worked, but I found comfort in the word choice from the Bible verse the Lutherans shared in their bus ad.

Calming words Weary. Rest was mentioned twice. Learn from me. Gentle. Humble in Heart. An easy yoke. A light burden.

I like these words, don’t you? They calmed my spirit. They gave me hope that my relationship with Jesus would help me manage my physically tiring factory job, and at the same time He would help me to emotionally cope with the tension in my home I was heading to.

I learned that when I focus on my relationship with Jesus it makes the burdens I’m carrying much lighter. It doesn’t make the problems go away, but it puts them in perspective. I see the burdens for what they are: a temporary blip in light of eternity. My summer job eventually came to an end. And in forgiving my parents for their lack of skill in raising me, I developed compassion for them and the burdens THEY were carrying.

So what does all this mean for YOU? I wonder what relational burdens you are carrying that are making life weary for you? Where there are no easy answers. Where there’s nowhere to go for you to find rest.

Regardless of your circumstances, coming to a relationship with Jesus certainly helps. His gentleness stands in sharp contrast to the strident nature of the times in which we live.

Like the contrast I saw in those city bus ads so long ago. The Lutheran ad for Jesus in the middle of a cigarette ad on one side, and an ad for whisky on the other. There’s something quite appealing and comforting about someone calling us to himself to find rest, who describes himself as gentle and humble.

The main point of today’s episode I’ll leave you with this final thought:

When we’re tired, weary, and burdened, Jesus will sometimes do unusual things, like pacing an ad inside a city bus, inviting us to find rest in him, rest for our souls. For when our souls are at rest, the weight of the burdens we carry eases.

Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act by entering into a relationship with Jesus to find the rest you need. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 100: Relationships We Didn’t Choose

056: Changing How We Think

094: Self-Awareness Deepen Our Relationships

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Relationships we pursue, that we choose, can be fulfilling because they meet a need we have. We have a measure of control in these relationships. They are the low-hanging fruit of the relational world.

But relationships we didn’t choose can be just as fulfilling and life-giving. Keep listening to hear how.

Breakfast with our grandsons The other day Janet and I took our twin grandsons out for breakfast. It was a send-off for Grant who will be taking a leave of absence from his barista job at Starbucks. He’s going to work as a counselor at a youth camp in northern Wisconsin for the summer. George is staying behind to work at Target.

The boys told us how their recently completed first year of college went, and we just marveled at how they’ve grown in so many ways. We love getting together with them, for they make us feel young.

They make us laugh, both when we’re with them, and 12 hours later without them. That’s when the humor of what they said earlier in the day unexpectedly pops out of our memory bank, like a cork from a wine bottle. And we laugh all over again.

When I was their age Our breakfast get-together got me thinking of what life was like for me when I was their age. They’re both 19 years old. When I was 19, rather than working at a summer youth camp, or an air-conditioned department store, I worked during the summer in a hot, sweaty factory with few windows (can you hear the violins playing in the background?)

The person I was at age 19 was largely the product of relationships I didn’t choose. Relationships I didn’t seek out. Relationships initiated by someone else. I know you have relationships you didn’t choose either. For example, none of us chose our parents or other family members.

In my situation, my mother was single when I was born, living with two female roommates. Because of how unwed mothers were viewed at that time, she placed me with a foster family. She would visit me most Tuesday evenings, as I was told by one of her roommates after Mom died in 2003.

These weekly visits continued for the first 15 months of my life until my mother married my step-father and I got to move back with her and my new dad.

The kindness I received from relationships I didn't choose When I think of these early relationships I didn’t choose, I think of how blessed I was to be the recipient of the kindness of others. The kindness of my mother not to abort me, in spite of the shame she must have experienced. There was the kindness of her roommate, Kay, who helped my mother keep my existence a secret from their landlord, and otherwise helped her be the best mother she could be - from a distance.

I learned much of my very early life from Kay after Mom died. Once when I was asking her what she knew about my birth father, she stopped at one point and said, “You need to know, John, your mother was NOT THAT kind of girl.”

The firmness in her voice told me she cared deeply for her former roommate’s reputation.

Kay accompanied my mother on her Tuesday evening visits to me. She told me I was cared for well by the foster family I lived with.

“They were a very nice couple,” Kay said.

I’ve wondered about them from time to time. I thought of trying to track them down like I did my birth father, but I imagine they are deceased by now. But I imagine they too, must have been kind to me. I trust Kay’s impression of them.

Kay herself was a kind woman, and though she never said so, I suspect she helped my mother financially before Mom married Dad.

Family relationships Then there was my Dad. Kay knew him before my mother did, and she introduced them to each other. When he married Mom it got her out of the shameful jam she was in with me. He was a kind man to her and others.

My dad’s mom, my grandmother, was another relationship I didn’t choose. Yet she was the kindest adult I experienced in my childhood. Up to the time I was in first grade or so, she lived with us, and there always seemed to be a conflict between her and my mother. Yet she never said an unkind word about my mom. Never any hint of disdain for her son marrying an unwed mother with a small boy at her hip.

A relationship I didn't choose in high school In high school, the guidance counselor assigned to me was a relationship neither one of us chose. Yet her out-of-the-ordinary kindness had a profound impact on my life. Mrs. Roller pulled some strings to get financial aid for me so I could leave home to go away to college. A college where I first heard about Jesus, who chose to have a relationship with me. She also found a job for me that I worked during summers in college, and Christmas break in December, to pay for my schooling. This is the factory job I mentioned earlier.

Since I was 19, there have been more people who have been in a relationship with me that wasn’t their choice. But I’ll stop with the ones I’ve mentioned.

It occurred to me that the younger we are the more relationships we have with people who didn’t choose us. But as 19-year-old college students, our grandsons are entering a stage of life where more of their relationships will be of their own choosing.

I pray they will choose well by calling up Jesus to give them the discernment and wisdom they’ll need to reflect the character of God in extending the same type of kindness to others that they’ve received. May the same be true of all of us.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas:

We all have relationships with people who didn’t choose us. I wonder who those people are for you.

Neighbors? In-laws? Colleagues at work? Your children? Other relatives? Be kind to them. They didn’t choose you. Pay it forward. Think of the kindness you received in the relationships from people who didn’t choose you. Pass that same kind of kindness on to others.

Certainly, pick the low-hanging fruit of relationships with people you easily connect with. With people you choose. At the same time, consider the possibility there might be a richness found in relationships you didn’t choose - if you worked just a little harder at that relationship.

If you happen to be in a relationship that is a difficult one, May God give you the strength and power to reflect his character well in that hard situation. Even if the favor is never returned.

In closing, I’ll leave you with this thought Be kind to people who didn’t choose to have a relationship with you, but who have one with you anyway. It will bring out the best in you.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at]caring for others [dot] org. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes.

I really would appreciate any insights you have. I feel drawn to this topic and would like to explore it further.

Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act on the relationships you have that you didn’t choose. In doing so, you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 005 The Gift of Joy - Part 1

090: Encourage Ourself by Observing Others

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 109, Rekindle Relationships by Remembering.

Because of the global pandemic, it had been about 15 months since my wife Janet and I last saw our friend in person. I’ll call her “Katherine,” a name I’m making up because she is a very private person and dislikes any attention drawn to her. She’ll probably cringe when she hears this episode.

But as we near the tail-end of Covid-19’s grip on us all, Katherine did something so beautiful that I need to share it with all of you. It was such a kind and thoughtful gesture that rekindled her relationship with my wife Janet. It was something we can all do with our own relationships.

Keep listening to pick up a great idea or two to stimulate your thinking of how you can come out from our global relational hibernation.

My story starts with a phone call from Katherine. She asked if anyone was going to be home because she wanted to drop something off for Janet.

When Katherine arrived Janet hadn’t gotten home yet, so she gave me a card to give her and a medium-size house plant. What followed was a simple, natural, heartfelt expression of the ORA principle of deepening one’s relationships we’ve been talking about in recent episodes: Observe - Remember - Ask. If you’re new to the podcast I’ll have links in the show notes to an episode or two explaining this concept.

For today though, I’m going to change the A in ORA to something else, which I’ll explain in a minute.

Observe The Observe component of ORA started off with Katherine saying,

“I’ve been thinking about Janet and how her mom died over a year ago, but because of Covid the memorial service she wanted to have for her never happened.”

At this point Katherine started to get a little choked up, but continued, “I’ve been thinking how hard that must have been Janet, and how hard it must be now a year later because I know she had such a close relationship with mother. So I want her to have this plant; it’s just like the one I have. It’s easy to maintain, and when she looks at it, I hope it reminds her of her Mom.”

So what does this have to do with Observe?

Katherine observed something within herself in thinking how life must be for Janet, a year past her mother’s death, unable to have honored her mom with a normal memorial service because of Covid. She put herself in Janet’s shoes and imagined how she must feel. It's a great way to rekindle relationships with someone you have not seen in a while.

I saw Katherine’s empathy for Janet as she choked up in explaining about the plant. Katherine was feeling what she imagined Janet was feeling. It was really quite touching for me to see this in Katherine.

Like Janet’s mom, Katherine’s mother also suffers from Alzheimer's Disease. I wonder if this shared experience enabled Katherine to more closely identify with Janet.

Remember So what about the Remember component of ORA? Where does that come in here?

I hope that’s obvious, Katherine remembered a year ago when Janet’s mother died and couldn’t grieve in the normal way we grieve when a loved one dies. It was more difficult to remember, because there was no personal face-to-face contact over the past 15 months. A Zoom conversation and maybe a phone call took place, but Katherine’s work kept her extremely busy, away from interpersonal contact with friends.

Observing what was going on inside her emotionally, and remembering what Janet must be going through, prompted Katherine to move to the next stage of ORA.

I wonder what difficult things your friends have gone through that would be helpful for you to remember and then respond as Katherine did.

Act In the past, I’ve said the A in ORA stood for Ask. Ask questions, Inquire. Don’t assume. Find out stuff first hand. Get people to define their terms. But this encounter with Katherine leads me to change the A from Ask to Act. Because that was what Katherine did. She acted.

Now, I don’t want to disregard “Ask” altogether. Asking is one form of acting. I’m sure we’ll come back to this from time to time.

In this situation, Katherine acted by bringing Janet a plant she thought she would like because it was a plant Katherine herself liked. And because she thought it would remind Janet of her mom, and that one of her friends cared and understood the loss she was experienced.

In addition to the plant, Katherine also dropped off a card for Janet. It's a simple, but meaningful thing to do when you want to rekindle relationships.

By the time Janet got home, Katherine had left. She was quite taken by the plant and told me she had been looking for a plant just that size. Then she opened the card from Katherine.

The Greeting Card Now I need to tell you Janet is one of those people who really pays attention to greeting cards, and spends time searching for just the right one that captures whatever thought or emotion she wants to express.

Katherine’s card was just perfect. It would have been the kind of card Janet would have picked out herself for someone.

The cover of the card shows a straw hat placed on the seat of an empty chair. It's placed outside among a group of black-eyed Susans and other wildflowers. At the bottom of the cover is simply the word, “She” followed by the tilde punctuation mark, ~.

When you open the card, at the top, you see the imprint, “was quite a lady.” That’s it. The whole card simply stated, She was quite a lady.

Katherine then wrote in her own beautiful handwriting,

"Janet,
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how you miss your mom every day, and that it must be especially hard on days like Mother’s Day. From the stories you and John have told, I know that you inherited a lot of her qualities - you too are kind, a good cook, a servant, Keeper of a warm and inviting home, and always there for your kids and grandkids. Even though you miss her more than I can imagine, a part of her lives on in you, and you are passing on her legacy to your children and grandchildren as you love and care for them. Because you - like your mother - are also quite a lady.

With much love,
Katherine"

After reading the card, Janet was quite moved by it and called Katherine to thank her for it and the plant.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to rekindle relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas:

I bet if you were to think about it, you could come up with the name of a friend or two who’s been in relational hibernation because of the pandemic. And I suspect in thinking about such a friend, you can probably recall a significant life event they’ve experienced recently. Maybe the anniversary of the death of a loved one, liked Katherine remembered. Or maybe the joy of a graduation or a birth. Or maybe a happy or sad experience your friend is going through now.

After your effort to remember, ask God to show you what action he’d like you to take to acknowledge what your friend might be experiencing. Some action that lets your friend know you care. Just ask God. He’ll tell you what to do.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Coming out of the Covid pandemic is a great opportunity to rekindle relationships by blessing someone with a God-inspired action you can take.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode about rekindling relationships by remembering. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so.

If you’re new to the podcast, you might want to check out some of the prior episodes that talk about the ORA principle for deepening our relationships. I list four of them with their links in the show notes. Episodes 89 and 90, as well as episodes 93 and 96.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

096: Meaningful Questions Create Meaningful Relationships

093: Remembering Deepens Our Relationships

090: Encourage ourself by observing others

089: How to be a better observer of people

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The most rewarding relationships are often found within our own families. But they can also be the most challenging, as well.

Fortunately, people of faith can draw comfort from Jesus knowing that he understands what it’s like to grow up in a family that has difficulties when it comes to relationships. Because he grew up in such a family himself. A family that rejected him.

Listen in to learn how knowing that Jesus understands can help us.

In last week’s episode, no. 107, Seeing is Believing - Or Is It? we considered Jesus’ comment, "A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family."

We talked about how the townspeople of Nazareth rejected Jesus. But in today’s episode, I want to reflect on the rejection Jesus faced from his family and relatives in this same story.

For he gives us an example of what to do when we experience rejection from our own family

Jesus faces rejection from his family But first the context. Here’s the story again from Mark 6, the first 6 verses.

The context of Jesus’ comments

“Jesus left that part of the country and returned with his disciples to Nazareth, his hometown. The next Sabbath he began teaching in the synagogue, and many who heard him were amazed. They asked, 'Where did he get all this wisdom and the power to perform such miracles?' Then they scoffed, 'He’s just a carpenter, the son of Mary and the brother of James, Joseph, Judas, and Simon. And his sisters live right here among us.' They were deeply offended and refused to believe in him.

Then Jesus told them, 'A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family.' And because of their unbelief, he couldn’t do any miracles among them except to place his hands on a few sick people and heal them. And he was amazed at their unbelief.”

Jesus played several relational roles in his family, just as we do in ours Because of this, we know he understands the challenges we face in those same roles in our family.

Jesus knew what it was like growing up in a large family, 4 brothers at least 2 sisters, likely 3, maybe more. His 4 brothers are named, but none of the sisters.

Jesus was the firstborn of the family. He identifies with other 1st borns. I’m a firstborn. Many of you are, too.

Where was Joseph? Was he dead? Little mention of him.

With the exception of his mother, Jesus was rejected by his own family and relatives as Mark’s Gospel tells us. Scripture is silent about Joseph in this context.

I wonder if Jesus’ siblings were jealous of him? Did they see their parents as favoring Jesus over them? Yet as adults we know that at least some of them traveled with him and his disciples. We also know

The brothers of Jesus had wives (I Corinthians 9:5)
Jesus was a brother-in-law. He had sisters-in-law
Jesus was most likely an uncle

He identified with our struggles. He knew firsthand the challenges we all face in being part of a family.

So what does all this mean for us? What are we to do when our family or relatives reject us here in the 21st century?

For one thing, don’t give up on the people who reject us. In time, they could come around. And cherish your relationship with those who still accept you.

Some of Jesus' brothers still followed him around from time to time, from village to village. It doesn’t appear that all his siblings rejected him.

And then there is his mother, Mary. What a mom she must have been, trying to navigate and encourage relationships between her children with their most extraordinary sibling, Jesus. I wonder what Mary felt to see some of her other children reject her firstborn son.

The family member who stayed with Jesus at the end Then at the end, Mary was the only family member there with Jesus at the cross, at his crucifixion. No other family member was present.

Imagine what it must have like for her to watch her son die a slow agonizing death right in front of her. But she was there to support her oldest son. She was with him at Bethlehem, and now she’s with him at Calvary. Bookends to the greatest life ever lived.

A second thing we can do when our family rejects us is to draw closer to Jesus.

Our family's rejection can draw us closer to Jesus Knowing that Jesus experienced what it’s like to be rejected by his family makes him easier to approach because he knows what it’s like. Jesus understands. He gets us. He longs for us to come to him for wisdom, comfort, and strength to deal with our family when they reject us.

When we draw closer to Jesus he enables us to do what he did when his earthly family rejected him. He moved on, focusing more on his heavenly family, with God the Father as its head.

Jesus didn’t reject his earthly family, as they did him. No, he still created space for them in his life. But his attention was directed to fulfilling God’s plan for his time on earth, and not simply to gain approval from his family. May the same be true of all of us.

Today's main idea to help in your relationships If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode.

Because Jesus went through rejection from his own earthly family and relatives, he is someone we can turn to when the same thing happens to us. He understands. He gets us.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships, even when you experience rejection in those relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related resources you may want to check out: Episode 107: Seeing is Believing - Or Is It?

13 Bible Verses about Christ's Earthly Family

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“Seeing is believing” isn’t always true. We believe what we want to believe, even when what we see and experience contradicts our beliefs. Learn how to get past this in today's episode, number. 107

You’ve probably heard this one before, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown.” Today we’ll take a look at the origin of this centuries-old saying, and how it relates to another old adage, “seeing is believing.” They both have implications for our relationships here in the 21st century.

Let’s start with a prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown.

If you happen to be a person of faith you may recognize the phrase as originating from the mouth of Jesus. We see it recorded in both the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 13, verse 57, as well as in Mark 6:4.

The Context I’ll read the passage from Matthew 13, starting in verse 53:

When Jesus had finished telling these stories and illustrations [ a lot of teaching about the Kingdom of God through a variety of parables near Capernaum and the Sea of Galilee], he left that part of the country. He returned to Nazareth, his hometown. When he taught there in the synagogue, everyone was amazed and said, “Where does he get this wisdom and the power to do miracles?” Then they scoffed, “He’s just the carpenter’s son, and we know Mary, his mother, and his brothers—James, Joseph, Simon, and Judas. All his sisters live right here among us. Where did he learn all these things?” And they were deeply offended and refused to believe in him. Then Jesus told them, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.” And so he did only a few miracles there because of their unbelief.

The gospel writer Mark adds another detail To this account from Matthew, the gospel writer Mark adds that Jesus was not honored even among his own family and relatives (Mark 6:4). Mark also goes on to say “…and because of their unbelief, he [Jesus] couldn’t do any miracles among them except to place his hands on a few sick people and heal them. And he was amazed at their unbelief.” Seeing is believing certainly didn't work for them.

They went from amazement about his wisdom and the miracles he performed to outright disdain in very short order.

There’s an interesting play on words here. The townspeople were amazed at the wisdom of Jesus and the miracles he performed, and Jesus was amazed at their unbelief.

The teachings of Jesus brought into question their assumptions about life and were a threat to their worldview.

The reaction of the people of Nazareth illustrates significant characteristics about the human condition and our natural tendencies in relating to each other. It teaches us what not to do in our relationships.

The obvious things we see in this story For example, we tend to put people in categories or boxes, often subconsciously, based on our assumptions. He’s JUST the carpenter’s son. This immediately marginalized Jesus because of his father’s occupation. A kick in the teeth to Joseph.

The townspeople further discount Jesus because of his mother and his siblings, for they’re perceived as nothing special either. In their minds, the whole family comes from the other side of the tracks.

I wonder if Jesus was seen as illegitimate since his parents were not married when he was conceived. What could someone from this type of background possibly have anything to offer us seems to be their mindset about Him.

They were amazed by the miracles they saw Jesus perform. Yet they dismissed them. Who is he to be telling us all this? The townspeople ignored what they saw and experienced. “Seeing is believing” certainly wasn’t true for them.

The disdain of the townspeople I believe is rooted in the notion that people don’t change. That we can’t rise above our origins or circumstances. When someone accomplishes something of note that’s not typical of a certain station of life, we don’t know what to do with them.

The not-so-obvious in this story We create a narrative for things and people we don’t understand. I don’t understand math, therefore math isn’t important, is a narrative I’ve created for myself. I explain it in a book I’m writing entitled There Are 3 Kinds of People in the World: Those Who Understand Math and Those Who Don’t.

The people of Nazareth who knew Jesus from the time he was a little boy had no category for him. They didn’t understand him, “Where did he learn all these things?” was their question. Matt. 13:56

The easiest thing to do when we don’t understand someone is to dismiss them, “They were deeply offended and refused to believe in him.” Matt 13:57

We sometimes experience what Jesus experienced You see this in organizations, ministries, and churches when it comes to relational problems and conflicts. To solve these problems it’s easier to fire people than to do the hard work of understanding everyone involved. Four examples quickly come to mind.

In all 4 cases, relational conflicts were not addressed, because that would have taken a lot of time to understand the issues from the viewpoint of ALL parties. Instead, ONE person in the conflict was listened to by the leadership, who then terminated the OTHER person involved in the conflict. It was quick and efficient at the time. But each of these conflict resolutions had the unintended consequence of destroying any credibility in the leadership who made those terminations.

Getting back to the people of Nazareth. They didn’t believe what they saw because what they saw contradicted what they already believed, He’s JUST a carpenter’s son, whose parents had to get married because he was conceived before the wedding. We know the family and they’re nothing special. What this carpenter’s son is telling us means we will have to change how we live, and we don’t want to change.

So what does all this mean for US? What are the implications for our relationships in the 21st century? When it comes to relating to others, question our assumptions about people. Unlike the townspeople of Nazareth, pay greater attention to the fruit of someone’s life than where they came from and their backstory.

Ask ourselves, what narrative have I created in my mind to make sense of someone I don’t quite understand?

Stay away from personality tests like the Myers-Briggs and Enneagram. They create self-fulling prophecies and they microwave our understanding of people. We are much more complicated than what any personality test can try to measure. Just Google “accuracy of the Myers-Briggs test” and you’ll see how no serious psychologist considers it valid.

Instead, make an effort to get to know others without any preconceived notion about them. Practice the O.R.A. principle of deepening our relationships. Observe. Remember. Ask.

When it comes to relating to Jesus Finally, trust what Jesus told us 2,000 years ago is still true. Believe it even if you don’t see it. Believe anyway. Put your faith in Him, and not in your own abilities. The only reason you have any skill at all is because he equipped you with the ability to acquire that skill.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. When it comes to relationships, believe what you see in people, rather than preconceived notions we may have of them and their backstory. Consider the fruit of people’s lives, for they may be showing us a better way to live.

Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

A related episode you may want to listen to 037: A Two-Step Process to Solve Relationship Conflicts

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 106.

At the time of this recording here in the US, we are turning the Covid-19 corner. More and more people are getting out and starting to think about taking a vacation. I hope that’s true for you in whatever part of the world you are in right now.

If you are planning to go on a vacation with your family this summer, it’s important to know that a great family vacation takes careful planning beyond how to get to our destination, and what to pack for the time away.

Great family vacations happen when we pay attention to relationships and what we can do to nurture them. And that’s what this episode is all about.

A great family vacation starts with this A great family vacation starts with your family meeting together well before leaving for your trip.

Meet to discuss the first three of five important keys to making your family vacation the best ever. Don’t forget to include the kids. Even very young children can participate. The time spent investing in this planning stage will help build anticipation and excitement for your time together. And it will help build better family relationships and great vacation memories.

Know what you want Spend time clarifying your expectations. Write them down. What type of family vacation do you want this to be? The more you know what you want, the easier it will be to get it. If you’re not sure what you want you leave yourself open to disappointment. If you’re clear with what you want, you can take steps to get it. Think this through before you go.

Lots of activity, or read books by the beach for a week?
Stop at historical markers on your drive, or keep those wheels rolling?
Visit historical sites, or spend the time at amusement parks?
Do everything together, or allow for some alone time?

Mind readers are staying home Don’t expect people to read your mind, because mind readers aren’t coming with you. Tell people what you would like to make the vacation a good one for you. Share your exceptions with your family before you leave on your trip. Don’t assume the rest of your family will know what you want because they won’t. Remember what’s been said of assumptions: Assumption is the lowest form of communication ... followed closely by email.

Do you want to stay up late to watch movies or play board games?
Or do you prefer to get up before dawn to watch the sunrise?

Listen to what others want A family vacation isn’t just about you. The rest of your family has expectations just as you do. Find out what they are. Ask. Draw people out. Get the rest of your family to express what they want. The more you know the expectations of others, the less tension there will be, and the fewer surprises. Do this before you leave the house.

We used this with our grandkids on a 2-day trip to our favorite vacation destination. They surprised us with what they wanted to do. They just wanted to chill. Picnics in the park, miniature golf, and swimming in the motel pool were as active as they wanted to be.

All three of these keys are important to consider before you ever leave the house. Then when the big day arrives and you’re off on your trip, it’s time to put into place the two final keys to making a great family vacation happen.

Find humor in the disappointments We’ve all heard that the two things that are inevitable are death and taxes. To these we can add some disappointment in a family vacation. The weather won’t be quite right. The traffic may be congested. Someone will get sick. You’ll lose something. It’s all part of life. It’s all part of what to expect. Looking for humor in what goes wrong will help create memories to laugh about at Thanksgiving dinner.

Story of the Scott Lad Motel outside of Washington, DC (Sorry - no transcript is available.)

Debrief at the end of each day Meet as a group and share with your family what went well, and what didn’t. Each person gets to talk about the highlight and lowlight for them. What was funny, what was disappointing? Were expectations met, both yours and others? Talk about any mid-course corrections that may need to be made. Have expectations changed? What part can everyone play in making tomorrow better for everyone? Find someone to complement or affirm for how they acted today.

Make a contest out of it. Give awards. Keep score.

How can you use what we’ve considered today? Download a copy of 5 Keys to Making Your Family Vacation the Best Ever

Make a copy for each person going with you on your family vacation. Then discuss the 5 keys well before you leave home.

If you go on a vacation with friends, people not in your family, all of these principles apply. Use them.

If you are a missionary and your family is on home assignment, most of these principles will apply. A home assignment is certainly not a vacation, for you are often subject to the expectations of others. But to the extent you have control over your time and your own expectations, the greater these principles will apply.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode Use your family vacation to enjoy each other, not just the sites you see. Embrace that great quote from Walt Whitman, “We were together, I forgot the rest.”

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode, unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

P.S. You might want to check out this blog post regarding the Walt Whitman quote of the year.

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An effective way to connect with people is to learn how to listen better. Books teaching practical listening skills are a good place to start. We talk about one in today's episode.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 105.

I have a question for you today. If you want to connect with people to form meaningful relationships with them, where do you start?

Today’s episode will answer this question by showing one way you can begin to develop deeper relationships with people. Keep listening to learn how.

I can tell you one way that doesn’t work is to try connecting with others by talking. By offering your commentary on whatever you see, hear, or think about it. By filling the airwaves with the sound of your voice. And by talking at people, rather than talking with them.

A far more effective way to connect with people is to listen to them. The apostle James had it right when he said, “Be quick to listen and slow to speak.” Too many of us do just the opposite, we’re quick to speak, and we’re slow to listen.

So if listening to people is an effective way to connect with them, how do we do that? How do we learn to listen better?

Learn how through reading One way is to read books on the subject. The problem though is there isn’t a lot of books written on listening. There are many books on communication, but almost universally they’re about the talking part of communication. How to get your point across, how to negotiate, how to have difficult conversations with people. Talk, talk, talk. And more talk.

Even my favorite singer, Marcel Marceau, tried to get in the act with his book on how to communicate better with your speaking. It was a very short book, and the sales just weren’t there. Stick to your day job, Marcel.

However, I was surprised a while back when I saw a new book that had come out on how to listen better. So I bought it, read it, and found it useful. Today I want to tell you about the book and why I recommend you read it.

I think you’d do yourself a favor by reading it because it answers the question, how do I get started in connecting with people in order to form meaningful relationships with them?

The name of the book is I Hear You - The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships, by Michael S. Sorensen. I’ll have a link to it in the show notes.

The Author * Michael S. Sorensen is a marketing executive. Not a therapist, trainer or life coach. His book is about what he learned from his therapist, trainer, and life coach * Single guy when he wrote the book * © 2017

Who the book is for * People who don’t read very much. It’s an easy to read book * Those who want to be a better listener. Who want to improve their skill level * Who feel they’re not connecting with people * Those prone to give advice and fix problems * People willing to try something new to deepen their relationship * Managers or co-workers

The book is not for people who are already good listeners, who easily connect with people. If people are coming to you and confiding in you with their hurts or problems, you don’t need this book. It’s also not for academics or professional counselors.

Structure of the Book * 139 pages. Bibliography/Endnotes of 8 sources * Besides the introduction and afterword, the book has 10 brief chapters divided into 3 sections. * “My goal has been to make this book a quick read; something you can blaze through in a weekend and revisit as needed., p. 12”

At the end of each chapter is a summary. You could read just these short summaries and get the gist of the book. It’s like the Cliffs Notes of the book

Premise of the book We will have significant and sustainable relationships to the extent we listen well to people. Listening well starts with resisting the urge to give advice and fix problems for people, and ends with affirming the feelings of people who talk to us. That’s it in a nutshell.

Take-aways from the book * The author talks a lot about “validation,” which is his way of describing affirming the emotion expressed by someone to you. It’s really integral to active listening and empathy. To this, Sorensen adds it’s important for the listener to acknowledge justification for feeling that emotion.
e.g, “You seem really upset over what she said to you; I’d be upset, too, if she said that to me.” * The book is consistent with the O.R.A. principle of deepening relationships we’ve been talking about on this podcast. Observe - Remember - Ask. The book is a heavy dose of “Observe.” * One of the strengths of the book is how he treats invalidating responses, things like, “you’ll be fine, it could be worse, at least, don’t worry; things will work out * He gives examples of validating what someone is feeling even though you disagree with the other person’s interpretation of an event * The author shares ideas of how to develop empathy, the first one is “Get curious.” We had two episodes on this subject:

062: Vaccine Now Available for this Relational Virus
063: Six Reason Why We’re not More Curious About People, and What We’re Missing as a Result

Why It’s Worth Reading * It’s a “How-to” book. It gives examples of how to put the premise of the book into practice * He also shares examples of what not to do, for example, never say to someone, “I know exactly how you feel.” * It’s an easy and fast read * Practical, not technical. Lot’s of examples to illustrate his points * It’s a first step for those who want to deepen their relationships by becoming better listeners * The author mentions good listening is a skill, and like any skill needs to be practiced and repeated. It’s in keeping with what we talked about in episodes 11-14 on the four levels of relationship skills. I’ll have links to these episodes in the show notes.

Amazon Reviews of the Book * About 1600 reviews, 4.5 out of 5-star rating * Most people raved about the book for its simplicity and practicality * There were many, this book changed my life it was so good reviews * Also, a few the book was boring reviews * The negative reviews were either about the book was poorly bound and pages out of order - or - it was simplistic, and the author repeated himself. It could have been a book even shorter than it was.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas:

Start by reading the book. Get it from your library or buy a copy. If it resonates with you, put in to practice what the author suggests.

If that goes well, ask a few people if they’d like to go through the book as a group. Form a little book club. Practice the principles mentioned in the book as a group. It would be a great summer read.

I used to help train counselors at a lay counseling class at our church, and had this book been around at the time I would have used it: I Hear You - The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships, by Michael S. Sorensen

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our best chance for developing meaningful connections with people is to learn how to listen better. The book we’ve been discussing, I Hear You, is a good place to start.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Now go out and get the book. Goodbye for now.

Resource mentioned in today’s show I Hear You - The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships, by Michael S. Sorensen

Related episodes you may want to listen to 011 Relationship Skills - Level 1
012 Relationship Skills - Level 2
013 Relationship Skills - Level 3
014 Relationship Skills - Level 4

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We deepen our relationships when we consider what might be the question behind the question asked of us, and then address the deeper issue.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 104.

One of the things I like about our podcast is the engagement I find with our listeners. It’s one of the benefits of listening to You Were Made for This that I spoke about in our very first episode back in late November of 2018. I’ll have a link to that episode, 001 Six Reasons to Listen to this Podcast, in the show notes for listeners who may have missed it.

I so enjoy getting your comments about our weekly episodes. Most are brief and encouraging, which I very much appreciate. And then every so often we’ll get a more lengthy response that challenges and stimulates my thinking. One such response from a listener came in recently that I found most interesting, and which is the basis of today’s show. It’s a concept that can help you transform your relationships into the best they can be. So keep listening.

Listener response from Pittsburgh Not too long ago I received an email from Randy, a long-time listener to the podcast. Randy happens to be the Director of Financial Aid at the University of Pittsburgh.

Randy wrote to me with his reaction to episode 097, Good Things Happen If We Ask. He related the episode to the work he does in the world of academic financial aid. Here is what Randy wrote:

“While your focus on the podcast was about asking questions, this also took me down the path of when I meet with students and families. Most are so new to the process of applying for financial aid they do not know the questions to be asking. So, I approach answering their question, by then taking them on a journey of connecting dots to important pieces that address the real questions they need to have answered to ultimately be able to make their decision about affordability in attending our institution. “

“We often think we are asking the right question when in reality we either are not asking the right question or only skimming the surface. So, hopefully, as we become better question askers, we can also help others do the same by how we answer their questions.”

Accounting: I didn’t know what I didn’t know My experience with setting up my accounting when I started my former business

An important question behind the question John the Baptist was in prison when he heard all the things Jesus was doing. So he sent his disciples to ask Jesus,

“Are you the Messiah we’ve been expecting, or should we keep looking for someone else?“ Matthew 11:3

The disciples’ question is loaded with emotion. Behind the question is wondering, “have we made a mistake in following you? Our leader, John, your cousin, is stuck in prison while you’re doing all these wonderful things. If you’re truly the one we’ve been waiting for, why is John locked up, unable to help you?”

A tinge of hopelessness, discouragement, and the feeling of "maybe we should cut our losses and move on"
Fear that we may have made a mistake
Fear that we’ve wasted a lot of time
Wondering, is it all true. Can we trust you to be who you say you are?

Jesus responds to the question behind the question * In answering John’s disciples, he addresses 3 different people: The disciples - John the Baptist himself - the crowds that were listening in on all this. * To the disciples, he doesn’t give a yes or no answer to their yes or no question. Instead, he answers their question behind the question. He answers by reminding them what they have heard and seen, and then go back and remind John of the same thing * “the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised to life, and the Good News is being preached to the poor.” * In essence, lives are being transformed * And then there is this oh so tender response to John himself, “God blesses those who do not turn away because of me.” In effect, hang in their John. You’re in prison because of the stand you took for me, and my Father is going to reward you for it. * As John’s disciples begin to leave, Jesus turns to the crowd and praises John the Baptist, in verse 11 of Chapter 11, Jesus says, “I tell you the truth, of all who have ever lived, none is greater than John the Baptist.”

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas:

Become more skilled in answering questions people ask, anticipate that there may be a deeper concern behind their surface question.

Practice the ORA principle of deepening relationships: Observe - Remember - Ask

Observe * Pay attention to any emotion that comes with the question. Is there any fear? Any sadness? Anger? How about joy? Do you see any regret? * Put yourself in the shoes of the person asking you the question. If you were in their shoes, what would you be thinking or feeling?

Remember * Remember what it was like for you when you didn’t know what you didn’t know. Draw from that experience to extend grace and understanding.

Ask * Ask follow-up questions. Get people to define their terms. Ask for examples. Get clarification. * Ask God’s spirit for help in responding to the question that will be most helpful.

If you're feeling like John the Baptist Reading from Sarah Young's, Jesus Today, Day 102.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode We deepen our relationships when we consider what might be an underlying question behind the question asked of us, and then address the deeper issue if one is present.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 001: Six Reasons to Listen to this Podcast

097: Good Things Happen If We Ask

064: Start With This Important Question to Ask

011: Relationship Skills - Level 1

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The secret to great relationships is to give what you want to get. It’s your best chance to find joy in being the person God created you to be. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 103.

When I first started reading the Bible as a young adult I remember reading it out of a red-letter edition, you know, the kind where all the words Jesus said were printed in red. I must confess, I found this annoying. It was harder to read and seemed to interrupt the flow of things. And maybe it’s just me, but I found it easier to gloss over whatever was written in red.

Fast forward many decades, I have another one of those red-letter Bible. But it’s a lot different now. Several months ago I started reading through the Gospel of Matthew, but this time skimming over any words printed in black, and instead really focusing and meditating on all the words printed in red. All the direct words of Jesus. And I’m taking it slow this time. It’s just the opposite of what I used to do.

Even atheists quote this Bible verse Not too long ago a verse in Matthew 7 I’ve read dozens of times stopped me in my tracks. It’s where Jesus said something that people have been quoting for nearly 2,000 years, even people who don’t believe in God.

Here’s what Jesus said in verse 12 of Matthew 7:

“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.”

My reading of this verse took me aback because as I meditated on it, letting it simmer in my mind like your favorite crockpot recipe, it raised an important question in mind. One that we should all be asking. And that’s what the rest of this episode is about. So keep listening.

Beyond being nice At one time or another, I think most parents have quoted the first part of Matthew 7:12 to their kids who were fighting with each other. I’m pretty sure I did when our two kids were little, and I’m pretty sure my parents said the same thing to my siblings and me.

“Hey Johnny, if you want your sister to be nice to you, you’re going to have to start being nice to her.” Something along those lines.

It always revolved around the word, “nice.” Being nice to each other. If you want your brother to be nice to you, then you need to be nice to him. It’s the “golden rule” after all. That was the goal, be nice, don’t argue or fight, so mom and dad can have some peace and quiet.

The bar isn’t very high if all we want is people to be nice to us. Nice is not enough. It's certainly not the secret to great relationships.

I want more in my interactions with people than niceness. And this is what led me to question: what exactly do I want from others?

How do we want to be treated? How do I want people to treat me? To answer this question I started a list. I came up with 28 ways in which I’d like to be treated. I think if I spent more time on it, the list would be even longer. It surprised me; I didn’t think I was that needy.

To make this list more manageable for our purposes today, I combined a few things, and here are the top 6 on my list. I would like the following from people:

Kindness
To be included
Listened to
Try to understand me
Rejoice with me
Bring out the best in me

I wonder what would be on your list, what do you want people to do to you and for you? How do you want to be treated? Go ahead, make your own list.

It’s one thing to know what I want from people; how to get it is quite another matter. The answer has been around for nearly 2,000 years. It’s to do what Jesus said: “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.” It’s the secret to great relationships

This means I’m first going to have to give something of myself If I would like people to treat me with kindness, I must be kind to others.

Since I want to be included, to be chosen, I will need to help others feel the same way, included, to be part of things. I’ll have to try to make sure others don’t feel left out.

Because I want people to listen to me, I better listen well to others myself.

Knowing how it’s important for me to be understood, it makes sense for me to extend myself in trying to understand others.

If I want people to rejoice with me, I better be sure to share in the joys of others. I need to be happy for what other people have, that I don’t have. I can’t be jealous and thinking I wish I had what they had.

Since I would really like my relationship with someone to bring out the best in me, then I need to be concerned with bringing out the best in others.

No guarantees I notice though, in what Jesus said, Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you, there is no guarantee that because you treat people the way you want to be treated they will reciprocate.

There’s no quid pro quo (literally “this for that”) when it comes to "Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.”

Could it be that Jesus is telling us that the secret to great relationships is to give to others what you want from them, even if you never get what you want? Could he be telling us this? Where’s the joy in that, and is it even a relationship?

I have a hunch that the joy in treating others the way we want to be treated - even if the favor is never returned - comes from being the person God created us to be, which is a reflection of his image and character. That’s where the joy comes from. In being all that we were meant to be. We were made for this.

And if what we do to others is never extended to us, and leaves us feeling a bit hollow, that’s okay. Because it is enough that Jesus sees us. He knows. And the ache in our heart that comes from not getting what we need, well, he’ll surprise us in soothing over that ache in another way. It’s just the way it works. This too is the secret to great relationships.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas:

It starts with asking yourself, what do you want from others? To what extent are you willing to relate to others in the way you want them to relate to you?

How willing are you to give to others what you want for yourself?

And then realize, we can’t do any of this on our own, we need Jesus. We’re kidding ourselves if we think we can do it on our own. With him living inside of us he gives us the desire to Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.”

So if you’re finding it difficult to treat others as you would like to be treated, ask Jesus to help you. Ask him to help you obey his teaching, and then ask him for the power to do what he’s called you to do.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. The secret to great relationships is to treat others like you would like to be treated. But you need the Spirit of God living within you to do so. It’s your best chance to find joy in being for others what you want them to be for you.

Related episodes you may want to listen to: 091: Keeping your resolution to do good for others
086: How to begin the new year with joy
049: Sacrifice in relationships
004: The gift of even though

I hope today's show stimulated your thinking, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 102. Today we're considering how to find joy in our relationships.

We call our podcast, as you know, You Were Made for This. I’ve talked before what the “this” is. It’s the joy found in Godly relationships. We are made for relationships filled with joy. What I’ve tried to do in each episode is to show we can either create joy in our relationships or how we can find the joy that’s already there.

Today’s episode is about the latter. Finding joy that’s already present.

I’m going to share examples of joy I found in what listeners have commented upon in recent episodes, along with a bit of joy I received from a simple email from a friend. It will hopefully give you ideas of how to find the joy that’s already there in your relationships, just waiting for you to find it.

Never say “never” I’ll start with Donna, a listener from the state of New York, who wrote to answer a question I asked a few episodes ago, namely, “What else are you doing when you listen to this podcast?”

Donna wrote, “Normally I’m either spinning or weaving. I need something to concentrate on while engaging in both of those activities. Your podcast is perfect for that.”

She then when on to comment on episode 98, The Myth of “It Never Hurts to Ask. Donna writes, “By the way, I like the idea of it ‘usually’ doesn’t hurt to ask, rather than “it NEVER hurts to ask.”

She’s right! “Usually” is a far better term to use than “never.” Never is a pretty strong word. Little kids, when they complain to their parents will often say, “You NEVER let me do such and such…”

I found joy in Donna’s comment because she added an important perspective to what I said in that episode. I wish I would have thought of saying it the way she said it, It usually doesn’t hurt to ask.

In fact, my goal has now become to never say never in a sentence. Or I should say, “usually to not say never.” To tone it down a notch, to leave myself an out.

Dodging a relational bullet Another listener by the name of Patty had this to say about The Myth of it Never Hurts to Ask. “Good morning John, I appreciated today's podcast! I've been considering asking a family member a question that is of a sensitive nature. Per your advice, I will check my motive & consider the effect it may have on our close relationship.

Asking family members sensitive questions can certainly be a land mine. It gave me a measure of joy to know something I said may have helped Patty dodge a bullet on this one, if I can mix metaphors here. Land mines. bullets. Family members. Maybe they all go together after all.

Her comment reminded me of how I need to do the same thing: question my motives about all kinds of things I do or say. This will certainly help me navigate through all kinds of relational land mines.

Patty ended with a P.S.: “I look forward to Wednesday mornings when I listen to you before getting out of bed to start the day.” I found joy in knowing listening to the podcast doesn’t put her back to sleep.

Something to think about Well, moving on, Connie, wrote in to say “I save each of your podcasts for a beautiful day to walk around Fowler Lake. You keep me company and always offer something to think about. Thank you.”

What a great way to listen to a podcast, walking around a lake on a beautiful day. How peaceful it sounds. I find joy in just picturing Connie doing this, and also that she found something in the podcast worth thinking about.

It also encouraged me to think more about relationships with friends. We can make them deeper and more life-giving when every now and then we sprinkle in something in our conversation that makes people think.

What makes me think is when someone offers an opinion about something different from mine, based on a perspective I had not considered that makes sense. I really like it when someone tries to change my mind about something.

A beautiful way to live Then we have Laura, a missionary, who also emailed her reaction to episode 98, The Myth of it Never Hurts to Ask. “Thanks for this John! I especially liked how you said to put yourself in a position that what you want is offered to you - then you know it’s from God. That’s a beautiful way to live!!!”

What a beautiful phrase, That’s a beautiful way to live.

And she’s right, it is a beautiful way to live. I found joy in knowing that what I said resonated with her. I’ve been learning the joy of being content with preparing for God to open doors, rather than me opening those doors myself.

I’m more inclined to ring the doorbell, and knock on the front door if there’s no answer, then go to the back door and do the same thing, and if there’s still no answer, make a phone call to the person in the house, and if there’s no answer, send a text or an email, and if that doesn’t work, ask the next-door neighbor what’s up with these people, “have you seen them anywhere? Are they out of town?” And it goes on and on. Trying to open closed doors.

So much better to just focus on Godly character and wait politely at the front door. If God doesn’t open that door it’s because he has another door in mind, or he just wants me to enjoy all the many other doors he has already opened in my lifetime. I found joy in Laura’s That’s a beautiful way to live comment

It’s amazing what you can get for $1.20 I found another bit of surprising joy with something simple Janet and I did.

A missionary friend of ours recently lost a family member in a tragic accident. Rather than emailing her, we mailed a card expressing our condolences across the Atlantic to her home in France. It cost $1.20 in postage.

Our missionary friend later sent this brief email to us: “Just a quick note to say thank you for the lovely card and condolences: It's so rare to get overseas mail anymore, and your words from across the ocean really touched my heart. Thanks for thinking of me…."

What a great return on an investment of $1.20 to “really touch someone’s heart.” I was surprised how this simple act brought me joy in knowing that you can touch someone’s heart for $1.20?

To me, this is priceless to know I can make a difference in someone’s life with something so very simple. You can do this, too. We all can. You may recall how in episode 87 this past January, Make it a Relational New Year’s Resolution, I commented on how sometimes using older technologies - like postal mail, can have a greater impact than newer technologies - like email.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas:

I wonder where God might show YOU joy in the unexpected places in YOUR relationships.

This takes getting out of ourselves for a bit and considering how others view life in ways that are different from our own.

Another idea is from time to time to sprinkle our conversations with something worth thinking about that goes beyond the mundane daily events of life. Talk about something substantive that causes someone to pause and reflect. There’s joy in doing that.

You can also look for joy in simple things. Simple things that touch your heart, like an international postage stamp for $1.20, which in turn has the potential to touch the heart of another.

Lastly, you might want to check out episodes 5 and 6 from several years ago, The Gift of Joy - Parts 1 and 2. I’ll have links to them at the bottom of the show notes.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode One way to find joy in our relationships is to reflect upon what people have said to us, especially when it’s something we haven’t considered before. Their perspective on life can broaden our own.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to 098: The Myth of “It Never Hurts to Ask”

087: Make it a Relational New Year’s Resolution

005: The Gift of Joy - Part 1

006: The Gift of Joy - Part 2

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In last week’s episode, Start Conversations With Remembering, I shared the start of a conversation I had with our executive producer, and Janet’s and my long-time friend, Carol Steward, about our life-giving relationship. Carol's voice is the one you hear each week introducing that day’s program.

The point of last week’s episode, as well as today’s, is to show how to have a meaningful conversation with a long-time friend while both of you are still around on this earth to answer questions you’ve always wondered about.

I mentioned this last week in the context of funerals I attended in the last year or so, and the questions I had of the deceased I never got to ask. Ask them now of your friends, before it’s too late.

We ran out of time last week, so today we’ll finish our conversation by picking up where we left off last week, with the one important question I asked Carol that she answers in today’s episode, starting now.

[The rest of the conversation plays here. Sorry, there is no transcript available]

The finish to last week’s episode Here’s what I took away from my conversation today with Carol.

Our questions of each other, when asked with the right motive, can lead to something much larger than a simple exchange of information. They can lead to a deeper life-giving relationship when we see how God has been the one connecting us with each other.

The fact Carol’s mother and my mother worked together years before either one of us was born, is for me, one of those connecting points from God.

I learned today how people are drawn to God only when God makes them ready. I was ready the first time I heard the gospel. Carol wasn’t quite ready her first time, she had to hear it several times. But she was ready the time Jesus, with his dusty gray hair - wearing a pink tie, and thin-rimmed glasses, in the form of Rev. Ellis Mooney, told her.

Jesus in a pink tie I loved hearing Carol talk about Rev. Mooney, “Pops” as she called him. Theirs was a life-giving relationship based on their connection with Jesus. Pops was connected to Jesus, and he wanted this same connection for Carol.

And then because Carol became connected with Jesus, she wanted this same life-giving relationship for Janet and me. And so did Rev. Mooney. What he and Carol told me became the defining moment in my life, and for Janet, too.

Accepting compliments from people Finally, I was taken by surprise with Carol’s “Can I say one more thing” comment at the end that was so affirming of me personally. It was a little awkward, as it caught me off guard because our conversation was supposed to be about her, and not anything about me.

I thought of editing out her comments, but when I asked Janet what she thought, she was very firm and said, “No. You’ve got to leave that in. It’s classic Carol.” And it is. It is classic Carol. She’s one of the most encouraging and affirming people I know.

It’s hard for many of us to accept compliments, but it’s something we need to get over if we’re to have life-giving relationships with people. When someone affirms us with positive qualities they see in us, we owe it to them to accept their comments with grace and a “thank you.”

To downplay the praise of others is not humility. Rather it’s more about trying to ease our personal discomfort. But dismissing the compliments of people has the effect of marginalizing the other person and taking away their voice, and their perception of reality. And it diminishes our connection with each other.

We need to treat our friends better by graciously accepting any compliments they send our way.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas:

I wonder what it would look like for you to reflect on the life-giving relationships you have to see where God is connected in those relationships.

If someone told you about Jesus for the first time, you might consider finding out who told that person about Christ. Stories like these show the evidence of God at work for our good.

If Jesus can indwell people like Rev. Mooney in the form of a gray-haired man in a pink tie, how is the indwelling Christ manifesting himself in you?

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. The most life-giving relationships are those with a shared connection to Jesus. Where our individual connections with Christ result in a deep mutual connection with each other.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

If you'd like to know more about Carol's other ministry, click on wwib.com. It's a great Christian radio station you can listen to online anywhere in the world.

Other related episodes about life-giving relationships you may want to check out 100: Start Conversations with Remembering

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

032: What Am I Here For? What is My Purpose in Life?

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When we start conversations with remembering shared experiences it will draw us closer to people if we ask more about those experiences.

Hello everyone, welcome to episode 100, our first triple-digit episode number!

I’ve been to 8 funerals in the last year or so, 2 virtually and the rest in person. With those I was closer to, I have questions of them that will now go unanswered because I didn’t get to ask them in time.

These questions, had they been answered, would have made my relationship with these people deeper and richer. And while we can’t do anything more with people who have passed away, we can do something now with our closer relationships, before it’s too late.

So today we’re going to listen in on a conversation I recently had with a long-time friend of mine to give you an idea of how you can have a similar conversation with one of your friends before it’s too late.

You may even be surprised by the friend I chose for this conversation.

Talking to an old friend The person you are about to hear from is the same person you hear at the beginning of each episode of this podcast. All 100 of them, as of today. I'm speaking of Carol Steward, my boss and executive producer of You Were Made for This. More than this, she has been a dear friend to both Janet and me for many years.

Our friendship started when the three of us were freshmen in college. Janet first met Carol in a theater class they were taking, and they soon became fast friends, and later became roommates in their college dorm. And because Janet and I hung around with each other, I became friends with Carol, too.

A few years after the three of us met, Carol met her husband-to-be, Terry, and the four of us have been friends ever since. Carol stood up in our wedding, Janet in theirs. So that’s the back story to today’s episode.

In planning for today, I purposely didn’t plan. I wanted our conversation to be as free-flowing as possible, so I didn’t go into it with a list of questions. There was just one really important question I wanted to ask, which you will hear about.

An example of The ORA principle of deepening relationships After reviewing the recording of our conversation days later, I was surprised to notice how I unconsciously followed the ORA principle we’ve been considering the past few episodes. Observe - Remember - Ask. O.R.A.

Our conversation starts with Remembering, which leads to Asking, and then a bit of Observing, which leads to more Asking. See if you can pick up on it. It’s a very useful model you can use to deepen your relationships.

So let’s get into it. Carol was working out of her home the day we recorded this, so I called her while I was back in studio 1A at One Podcast Plaza.

[Our conversation plays here. I'm sorry, there is no transcript available ] Unfortunately, we are running out of time for today. We will have to wait until next week in episode 101 to hear the only question I prepared ahead of time, and then Carol’s answer.

What I learned in talking to an old friend For now though, here’s what I took away from my spontaneous conversation with Carol so far:

I was surprised when I asked Carol if her mother ever said anything about my mom. I didn’t realize how the unanswered questions about her still affect me. There's more I wish I knew about her.

I had not thought about it until just recently, the fact Carol’s mother and my mother knew each other, and worked together, years before both of us were born. That is an unusual point of connection between the two of us. I don’t quite know what to make of it, except that God created this connection. I bet he’s smiling over it. And then the fact Carol’s mom died on Janet’s and my wedding anniversary is another connection. Hmm.

Another thing I noticed is how what seemed like the meaningless trivia questions I asked, connected us with our shared past. The question about the name of the singing group Carol was in college, and then the yellow dress we both remembered. It reminded me how laughter is a great way to connect with friends.

Then there were the jobs she had and what she’s enjoyed about them. It showed what a positive person Carol is, which is something that continues to draw Janet and me to her after all these years. I need to be a little more like Carol myself.

One question leads to another Our talk so far raised more questions in my mind to ask later. Good conversations do that. They’re appetizers served up for future dialog. It's what happens when we start conversations with remembering. I wonder more now about the 3-4 years Carol spent in Fargo, working with her husband Terry on that noon-day TV show. I know that could have been just the start for both of them in the TV biz. They won’t admit it, but they gave up promising careers to help Terry’s dad carry out the vision he had for a Christian radio back in the ’70s. It was a sacrifice, though they never talk about it in those terms.

Finally, there was the mention of Steve, their radio station employee who died recently. I talked with Terry about him a few weeks ago, they wrote about him in their monthly newsletter, and now Carol talked about him today. I could tell it was a deep loss for those that knew him. What a wonderful life he lived to have had such a significant impact on people.

I didn’t know him, but his was a good example of a life well-lived. I hope the same will be said about me when I'm gone.

And so we started talking about when people die at the top of today’s show. We’re now ending with the same topic today But there’s more.

For I wonder what all we’ve been talking about today means for YOU? If you would start conversations with remembering, what would that do for you?

How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: It seems to me God puts people into our lives for very specific reasons. Reasons sometimes known only to Him. The closer we get to people, and the deeper we get to know them, the greater appreciation we develop for God’s love in blessing us with those who fill our lives with joy.

Who are the people you sense God could possibly have put in your life to bring you joy - if you only knew them better?

Finally, when your time on earth comes to an end, what will people say about you? It’s not too late to begin having a positive impact on the lives of others.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode Before it’s too late, begin a conversation with people close to you, where you start with remembering shared experiences, asking questions about them, and observing what’s going on with them in the present.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week when we finish my conversation with Carol, and when I get to ask the only question I prepared ahead of time. Her answer led us down a most interesting path that I’m eager to share with you. So until next week, Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to check out: 093: Remembering Deepens Our Relationships

096: Meaningful Questions Create Meaningful Relationships

If you'd like to know more about Carol's other ministry, click on wwib.com. It's a great Christian radio station you can listen to online anywhere in the world.

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It’s often better to share an observation than to ask a question. It deepens a relationship by allowing people to open up on their terms.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 99. We are just one episode away from turning over our podcast odometer to 100 episodes. I’ve got a special program planned for next week with an interesting guest lined up to join us.

But for today, as we say good-bye to double-digit episode numbers, I’ve got something for those of you who want deeper relationships with people, BUT who feel uncomfortable asking questions of others. For new listeners to the podcast, we’ve been talking in recent episodes about asking questions to deepen our relationships with people.

Before we get into this though, I want to share a few responses I received from listeners to a question I raised a few weeks ago. Namely, “What else do you do when you listen to podcasts?” Podcasts are great to listen to while doing something else, and I thought our listeners would be interested in know what that “something else” is for each of us.

Listener responses A listener from England wrote,
“Two things for me: peeling or chopping vegetables at the kitchen table or (most preferred) having a good cup of Yorkshire tea and just listening as I enjoy. (Now those two things go together well!)”

A missionary from the Balkan countries of Eastern Europe said:
“I follow about 6-8 podcasts regularly and usually listen when I am at home alone (or when my children are sleeping) and I am cleaning the house, cooking, or folding laundry. Makes a sort of boring, mundane chore quite enjoyable for me!”

Finally, Linda, a retired missionary and listener from North Carolina wrote:
"Hello John, Sometimes I exercise on my indoor exercise bike while listening to the [your] podcast while other times I go outside and take a walk. Other times I ‘set you’ on the kitchen counter to listen while I fix breakfast. You seem to show up in different ways!"

Thank you for those responses. I’d love to hear from more of you as to what you typically do while listening to podcasts.

Now on to today’s show. It’s a solution for those of us who would like to go deeper in our relationships with people, but without relying just on asking questions to get there. So keep listening.

Caution with asking questions As much as we’ve talked about the power of asking questions, there are a few caveats to this skill.

It goes without saying that questions to deepen a relationship do not evoke one-word answers. Yes or no. it also goes without saying that in some cultures around the world, asking questions of each other is offensive. So be careful.

Questions asked too quickly, and too often, can put the other person on the defensive and back them into a corner. So slow down. Some people need time to process a question they’re asked. Allow for periods of silence.

Questions, when used improperly, can be a form of control. They can take people where they don’t want to go, and you end up alienating people from yourself.

We sometimes ask questions when we are really making a statement. Avoid doing this. It’s not being honest and can come across as being controlling. So instead of asking, “Aren’t you going to take the garbage out tonight,” say instead, “please take the garbage out tonight.”

Rather than asking a question, try this instead Instead of asking a question, share an observation. An observation is a deeper form of engagement than a question.

This is the O - Observe, in O.R.A. Observe-Remember-Ask

It’s a big picture skill. More difficult, in my opinion, than the other two elements of ORA. More difficult than Remember or Ask

How do you make an observation? Act as a mirror. Mirrors reflect reality

Reflect back emotions you see in the other person: “You seem upset today.”

Reflect back themes and patterns you observe: “I noticed that whenever I ask you about where you are from, your eyes light up”

“It seems to me like … “you’ve got something on your mind that is troubling you.”

Share reflective statements, “I wonder statements.” : “I wonder what it must be like to always feel you have to defend yourself.”

A real-life example The time Janet shared an observation when she said, “I don’t think you’re spending enough time with the kids.” She could have asked a question instead, “Why don’t you spend more time with the kids?” or “When are you going to spend more time with the kids?” The observation she shared was much more powerful. It wasn’t a job, a directive, an order. It wasn’t even a request.

It can be very affirming and encouraging to hear the observations of another person. Where all too close to what is going on in our life.

“I wonder how many people I’ve looked at all my life and never seen.”~ John Steinbeck

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas:

Instead of asking: share an observation instead:

"Why are you angry," becomes "You seem angry."

Instead of "When are you going to clean your office?, instead say, I’ve noticed the clutter in your office has reappeared.

Rather than "Who were you talking to on the phone? ", try sharing an observation, You seemed pretty animated when you were on that phone call.

"Why are you so sad today? " would be better put, You look sad to me.

"What are you worried about?" can be better stated, It seems to me like you’re troubled about something. I wonder what it is.

Instead of asking, "What are you so happy about?" share an observation like this, You sure seem in a good mood today.

Use doorknob observations with people who are better at words than you are. “I wonder statements are good for this.”

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Experiment with turning your questions into observations. Act as a mirror in the important relationships in your life. See how much deeper your interactions go when you make an observation, rather than when you ask a question.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I’d like to hear how trying out this new relational skill goes for you. You can email me at john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes.

Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to check out: 092: 3 Benefits to Being a Keen Observer of People

090: Encourage Ourself by Observing Others

089: How to Be a Better Observer of People

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 98, The Myth of “It Never Hurts to Ask.”

In recent episodes we’ve been talking about the Ask component in our ORA principle of deepening our relationships Observe - Remember - Ask.

Last week’s episode, for example, was about that part of relational intelligence that knows how to respond when others tell you “No.”

In that episode, I suggested several gentle ways we can get what we want when told “no” by those with power over us.

I’ll have links to those recent episodes at the end of the show notes.

Today, in the context of the Ask component of ORA, I want to dispel the relational myth I used to be a strong proponent for, but no longer believe. Keep listening, because I bet many of you still believe this same myth I once believed. It's a myth that can harm your relationships.

The myth I’m referring to is the concept that it never hurts to ask. The fact is, sometimes it does hurt to ask.

Here’s why “it never hurts to ask” is a myth In some cultures, asking personal questions is completely inappropriate. It’s an invasion of privacy. By asking personal questions in these kinds of societies will distance you from people.

Some people are reluctant to answer questions because:

They’re concerned the question asker may be judging them, e.g., “Are you getting the Covid vaccine?”
Other times, a question asked may raise suspicions the question asker will use whatever answer you give against you, e.g, “how much did you pay for that car you just bought?” There’s the fear your answer will elicit negative judgments about you
For a variety of reasons, some people don’t want to get too close to others
They are just very private people. It may be their personality, or how they were raised.

Unintended consequences of practicing “It never hurts to ask” People will form opinions about you by the questions you ask. Which can help or hinder a relationship.

Some people may feel defensive or manipulated. Even violated. Or they may feel steered in a direction they may not want to go.

Guidelines for knowing when to practice “it never hurts to ask” The most distant your relationship with someone, the freer you can live by it never hurts to ask. For example, the stories I shared about store clerks in previous episodes are about one-time transactions where the down-side risk of it never hurts to ask is minimal.

But the closer you are in a relationship, the more careful you have to be with it never hurts to ask.

We need to ASK ourselves how our question(s) may be perceived by others. What’s the potential downside? And what are the risks?

Examples of when it did hurt to ask The IT guy I placed who wanted to attend a training workshop AFTER he gave notice he was taking a new job. Going to training workshops was really important to IT people. He thought it was okay to ask the employer he was leaving in two weeks if he could take the course, because after all, “It never hurts to ask.” Yes, it does. Because you may need him for a reference someday.

Story of the mother of James and John, the sons of Zebedee, in Matthew 20:20-28 Her request/their request: to sit next to Jesus, one on his right, the other on his left, when he sits on his throne in his kingdom. Let’s see if asking that question hurt anything.

In NT days, where you sat in gatherings was really important
Seats were always assigned, never asked for. Their requests violated cultural norms
Their question alienated the other 10! Verse, 24 “They were indignant.”
Their question set up winners and losers
The other 10 were placed in a position subservient to James and John
Pride
Jesus goes on to use their request as a teachable moment in vs 25-28. Tells them they are to be different than the leaders of this world
That it is better to serve than to be served
“Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant. And whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave
For even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

So what does all this mean for YOU? What action can you take to in response to today’s program that will move the needle in making your relationships more joy-filled? Here are a few ideas:

Do some self-examination and ask YOURSELF a few questions before asking one of someone else

What is my purpose in asking the question I’m thinking of asking.? What is my motive? Is it to feed my pride, like it was for James, John, and their mother?
How will others perceive my question? How will it affect their view of me? Will I alienate people, like the other 10 disciples were alienated from James, John, and their mother?
What does my question reveal about my character?
How will I use the answer to my question?

Consider the timing of your question. For example, the timing was terrible for the IT guy I placed to ask his soon-to-be former employer to pay for his training, training the company would receive no benefit from.

The timing was also terrible for the sons of Zebedee and their mother to ask for a position of prominence right after Jesus tells his disciples about his betrayal, his sentence to die, his beating and crucifixion.

Don’t do what they did. Don’t be a mama’s boy.

Finally, rather than asking for something you desire, put yourself in a position where what you want is offered to you. That way, you will know it is from God, and not a product of your aggressiveness.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today's episode Be careful what you ask. Consider the implications of your requests in light of the degree of closeness in your relationships. It may hurt to ask when your question puts a wedge between you and other people.

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. Or you can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please sign up to follow us wherever you get your podcasts. It will help us to serve more people just like you.

I hope you were stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes that might interest you 095 - What to Do When People Irritate Us

096 - Meaningful Questions Create Meaningful Relationships

097 - Good Things Happen When We Ask

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Asking questions gives us power over our circumstances. It allows us to move from being a victim to becoming an agent of change for our self.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 97. Today we consider the good things that can come our way when we overcome our natural hesitancy to ask questions.

We’ve been talking in recent episodes about the A component of the ORA principle of deepening relationships. Observe - Remember - Ask.

Specifically, Ask in the context of interpersonal relationships, and Ask in the context of self-awareness, to Ask ourselves questions as to why we do the things we do.

But Ask is also a powerful tool in other relationships. It’s very useful in our jobs. In our parenting. And in dealing with providers of goods and services.

Keep listening to learn how.

Asking questions of those who provide of good and services Story of buying that burgundy blazer for our daughter Jennifer when she was about 10 years old.

No size on the rack fit her
I asked if I could check out the size of the blazer hanging display on their display
“You can’t do that” and the discussion that followed
I’ll put another one up in its place
No, then I’d have to ask my manager
Well, could you go ahead and do that?

The day we bought a sofa. Delivery was not included. I asked the question if they would make an exception. “Well, I’d have to ask my boss” Please do so.

Applied English class I taught. Student projects asking companies for redress of grievances. Case of coke, new leather jacket, street plowed.

Teaching our children to ask questions Story of our son asking his history teacher for extra credit to get an “A.” Promised a plane ticket to Baltimore to see his girlfriend. Offered the same deal to Eleanor, his daughter who had the same problem decades later: a plane ticket to Baltimore.

Asking questions is a great skill to teach your kids. Ask the hard questions, it will help you get what you want.

As a parent, if and when someone wants to marry your adult child, don’t hesitate to ask that potential son or daughter-in-law questions. Episode 027 is about the time I met with my future son-in-law when he asked for my blessing to marry our daughter. His one question of me prompted 17 questions for him. I share these questions in episode 027, When He Asks to Marry Your Daughter.

Asking questions in our jobs I was starting to get bored at my teaching job, so I asked to create a new course on creativity. School board approved. Gave me time to do research on the subject. Taught it to 8th and 9th graders. It was a subject that interested me and I thought kids could really benefit from it. It eased my boredom.

As a recruiter, I would ask an employer, “why did you decline a job offer to my candidate?” Can learn things for the time next around. How you can change, or maybe it had nothing to do with you. They may have put the job on hold, the other candidate was far more qualified.

Even when the answer to our Ask is “no,” we can learn from it and grow

The benefits of asking questions 1. It’s an opportunity to see God at work when your ask is based on praying ahead of time. It draws you closer to God. 2. Gives you a voice. A sense of control. You cease being a victim 3. Increases your chance of getting what you want after the initial “no” 4. Learn from getting a “no”, which will help get you a “yes” next time 5. Gave me confidence in our daughter’s choice of a future husband. It deepened my relationship with him and our daughter. It will do the same for you if you’re ever in that situation

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard in this episode to improve the quality of YOUR relationships? Here are a few ideas:

Ask Jesus to show you what questions to ask. Questions to ask in a kind, gentle, non-threatening manner. Questions that get to the truth of a matter.

If you are bored in your job, ask for a new one. Ask if you could design a new job within your company.

When someone says “no” to your ask, what can you learn from the “no”? If for no other reason, it may boost your self-confidence to know there were circumstances out of your control that prevented your ask from being granted.

Ask for an exception to a policy. Especially ask “I’d like you to send me a copy of the document containing the policy…”

The main point I hope you remember from today’s episode Asking questions, in the context we’ve been discussing, gives us power over our circumstances. It allows us to move from being a victim to becoming an agent of the change we desire for our life.

I hope you noticed that in this episode I have not repeated that old adage, “It never hurts to ask.” That’s because I’ve come to learn over many decades that it just isn’t true. I used to be the poster child for it never hurts to ask. But not anymore.

There are indeed times when it hurts to ask. I’ll be exploring the it never hurts to ask myth in next week’s episode, no. 098. Just two shows away from our first ever triple-digit-episode, number 100.

Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe and I’d appreciate it if you would leave us a review wherever you get your podcasts. It will help us to serve more people just like you.

Well, that’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

Related resources that may interest you Blog post from July 29, 2020, Ask Someone What They Are Feeling

The following past episodes:

088 - Get Them to Say, "Thank You for Asking"
027 When He Asks to Marry Your Daughter
064 - Start With This Question to Ask
065 - End With This Important Question

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Meaningful questions create meaningful relationships. When asked for the right reasons they connect us with one another in beautiful ways.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 96. Today we consider how asking meaningful questions help create meaningful relationships.

We’ve been talking about the 3 components of the O.R.A. principle of deepening our relationships: Observe - Remember -Ask. We’ve touched on the Ask component before, but today I want to go into more detail about this Ask element and talk about what happens inside of us when someone asks us a meaningful question. I’ll do that by sharing two stories with you.

First Story I may have told this story in a prior episode, but it bears repeating for our purposes today, and with more depth than I explained the last time.

The encounter with L. B. when at Camp, she asked “how are you doing?” And we said, fine (F.I.N.E). And she came back with “No, really. How are you doing? I want to know.”

Her response took me aback, She wasn’t accepting my surface answer.

I felt like she really cared, unlike most other times when I’m asked that question, and when I ask others the same thing. What told me she cared?

She pushed the envelope, not only with her words, but with her body language. She came running after us.

Janet had the window down on her side of the car and L.B leaned in, with her elbows on the open door sill. She said so much with her eyes. You could tell she wanted to know.

What an innocuous question, “How are you doing?” She turned this relational cliché into a meaningful relational connection by how she asked the question. By running to us. Leaning into our personal space. With her eyes. And by rejecting our surfacing dismissive response. It was a connecting moment from a few years ago that I still think about today.

Janet and both felt cared about in a deep way that day

Second story * I needed to schedule a time for an electrician to come to our house. * I mentioned I work out of our house, so someone could come most anytime. Then he said, “What do you do?” * You wouldn't think this was a meaningful question, but it was * I told him about our missionary care ministry * That usually shuts people up, and they change the subject. Like Fred, our former neighbor, who when he heard what I did started talking about his Panama Canal cruise. * But this electrician sounded interested in my response * “My great-grandfather was a missionary in Canada. He planted 4 or 5 churches in logging camp communities in his lifetime. He wrote several books, too. I have them, but haven’t read them.” * I found the guy fascinating, he established a connection between the two of us that started with him asking me another relationally clichéd question, “What do you do?

He said he never met his great-grandfather or his grandfather who both died before he was born.

My electrician friend talked about visiting one of the communities where his great-grandfather planted a church, and how when people heard the family name, their eyes lit up, and with “Oh, you are so and so’s descendant? What a great man, and we have fond memories of him.”

He didn’t ask any follow-up questions, which was fine, because he drew me into his story of his family history.

The story he told made me want to know more. Good questions will do that.

And it made him want to know more about his family history. He told me he needed to ask his father more about his grandfather.

The electrician said our conversation prompted him to look for those books his great-grandfather wrote, and to talk to his own father to ask him more about his grandfather.

Our relationship was a business relationship, but the more we talked, the more I liked him personally. Maybe I’ll invite him for Thanksgiving. Or Carol, would you like to have him over for New Year’s eve?

So he benefited from our interaction. He started it off by asking me a question. It motivated him to ask questions about his family history. He sounded sincere.

So what does all this mean for YOU? What action can you take in response to today’s program? Here are a few ideas: The Obvious thing is ask meaningful questions. Better questions. Questions with the right motive that will lead somewhere, not an end unto itself.

Questions asked in a manner that shows you care. And you can do this with even all-too-common questions like “How are you?,” and “What do you do?"

Check out episodes 64 and 65 that go into detail about the kind of questions we can ask.

That relationship quote of the week from episode 75 on October 28, 2020, “When an old person dies, a library burns to the ground.” Sticks in my mind as it relates to my electrician friend’s ancestors

Go to you “library” ask your parents and especially grandparents, meaningful questions. It will do you a world of good. It will deepen your relationship with them. Do it before its too late and your “library” burns down.

Unless we’re just exchanging news and information, the questions we ask of each other can be an important tool in deepening our relationships with each other.

Ask God to help you have eyes and ears for other people. It will bring out the best in you.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Meaningful questions create meaningful relationships. When asked for the right reasons, in the right manner, connect us with one another in beautiful ways.

Well, that’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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When people irritate us it often reveals more about us than them. Listen in to learn how to figure this out, and then and what to do about it.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 95.

Before we get into today’s topic I have two listener responses I thought you’d be interested in. The first is from a retired missionary in response to episode 87. This was about a New Year’s resolution to receive thank you notes in the mail from people who appreciate something about you. A written expression of gratitude is the obvious result of doing something meaningful for someone, which is the point of making this resolution - not the note itself [ read the thank you card from V.]

And here’s an email I received from Patty, another listener to our podcast. She wrote: “I received a beautiful thank you note from my snowbird neighbors thanking me for picking up their mail all winter long. I also sent a thank you card to a friend who hosted & invited me to a delicious luncheon. It's the little Thank You's that mean so much. Thx for reviving this 'thank you' trend”

I’d like to know how this thank you note idea is going for the rest of you. Please let me know.

Well, on to today’s show.

I’m going to assume that you, like me, every now and then run into frustrating and irritating situations. Today’s episode is about an effective way I’m learning to deal with these unwelcome moments. It’s taken me years to discover this principle that helps when people irritate us. I’m going to share it with you so that you can learn from my mistakes and live a less frustrating life.

What prompted me to bring this up is last week’s episode, no 94, Self-Awareness Deepens Our Relationships

Last week's episode * The tires on my car needed air * Pulled into the lot of a convenience store that offered free air from their tire pump. A big van, with a disabled sticker on the license plate, pulled in just ahead of me at the air pump. I’m going to have to wait my turn * An older lady gets out with a 3-pronged cane, walking very slowly. Has difficulty getting the air pump nozzle onto the tire valve. * Irritation rose within me because it was now going to take a lot longer to accomplish my goal of getting air in my own tires * I get out to speed the process up, not out of any great sense of compassion for this lady. It was 6 degrees and my hands were freezing.

The point of that episode, and I’ll have a link to it in the show notes, is this: We will have deeper relationships with others to the extent we are self-aware and then act on that self-awareness in a Godly manner.

It raises the question, though of “how do I become more self-aware in irritating and frustrating situations like this, when people irritate me?”

The answer is found in adapting the principle found in Psalm 4:4 Now, I wasn’t angry with the lady, rather more frustrated or irritated that her behavior was getting in the way of what I wanted. But the principle found in Psalm 4:4 works just as well in situations as I described.

This verse is in the context of vs. 2, where David talks about the people who are spreading lies about him and ruining his reputation. Here’s what he says to do in response to this injustice:

Psalm 4:4, in various versions Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent. Interlude NLT

Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. NIV

Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Selah ESV

Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah NKJV

Tremble, and do not sin; Meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah. NASB

What are we to think about, to meditate on, to tremble over? Answer: What is going on within us that is causing the anger, frustration, or irritation.? It’s not just the obvious stuff. It’s what’s going on in our heart below the surface where the problem, and the solution, lie.

Once we have a name for what’s going on inside, it becomes easier to deal with.

This verse is about anger, but irritation and frustration, are the misbehaving step-children of Anger. It teaches us what we can do when people irritate us. And anger as we know is a surface emotion. It covers what’s going on below the surface: either fear - hurt - sadness - or demanding-ness.

I’ll talk more about this in a later episode when we examine in more detail anger and its effect on our relationships.

With the old lady, I wasn’t hurt, or sad. But I was a bit anxious over the other guy who had pulled up, and mildly concerned about frostbite to my hands. I was more anxious that I wasn’t going to be able to get done all that I wanted to that morning.

On the surface, it may have appeared my frustration was directed at her personally, but the more I thought about it, my frustration was directed at my circumstances and demanding-ness that I accomplish what I want to accomplish WHEN I want to accomplish the items on my to-do list.

It took me a while to realize this. Maybe hours. The Holy Spirit seemed to be speaking to me. Lighten up, guy. After all, she has a double-amputee husband sitting in the car is of no help to her at all.

He reminded me that since the dawn of creation, 99% of the time things ALWAYS take longer than you think, so don’t be surprised that your day is going slower than you had hoped. Lower your expectations. It's so helpful to remember this when people irritate us.

Applying Psalm 4:4 to other people So I’m learning to apply Psalm 4:4 to my anger, and frustrations. But it also helps in relating with others

When I see another person who is frustrated or angry, I’ll wonder what they are worried about. What they might be fearing. Or what they’re sad about that comes out in frustration or anger.

Psalm 4:4 and children Psalm 4:4 is also helpful in raising and understanding children.

Displays of anger in kids are often because they’re afraid of something. They fear their need for something will go unmet for the rest of their lives. “My sister is playing with the stuffed animal we share, and my turn will never never ever ever come. “ Demandingness, certainly is part of childhood anger. Because of their development, they don’t have words to express their fear, their hurt, or their sadness. So these emotions come out as anger.

So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you apply what we’ve considered in this episode to YOUR life? Here are a few ideas When people irritate you, take a self-imposed time-out and ask God to help you question yourself. Do what King David said:

Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Selah ESV

One other question you can ask yourself is “Does this person or situation remind me of someone or something else?

A few months ago a friend was talking in a group about an irritating person, and as the group explored more with her as to WHY this person was irritating, she came to the realization that the irritating person reminded her of her mother.

This self-examination that we find in Psalm 4: 4 will deepen our relationship with God, ourselves, and other people.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. When people irritate us, stop and ask ourselves why is this person bothering me so much? What is my irritation revealing about ME?

Related episodes that might interest you 094 Self-Awareness Deepens Our Relationships

020 Relating with People Who Talk Too Much

Well, that’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 94, where today we consider how self-awareness deepens our relationships. With just 6 double-digits left before we hit 100 episodes, we’re considering a real-life application of the ORA principle of deepening relationships.

The ORA principle re-stated In a nutshell, the ORA principle is to Observe - Remember - Ask in our interactions with others to deepen our relationships with them. We’ve been talking about this in recent shows, beginning with episode 88, Get Them to Say “Thank you for Asking.” I’ll have a link to it in the show notes.

Today we’ll apply this principle to one in the most difficult relationship each of us has. The one relationship that offers the greatest rewards, at the same time the greatest challenges. No other relationship is even close.

What’s the relationship, you ask? Keep listening and I’ll tell you.

That relationship is our relationship with…..ourself!

Our Relationship with Ourself How do we have a relationship with ourselves? It’s about what we think of our self, which I dare say is often inaccurate. The Apostle Paul, in his letter to the church at Rome that we read in the Bible says,

“I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves…” (12:2-3)

Now I know there are some who think less of themselves than they should, but my experience has shown these folks are in the minority. Instead, most of us are prone to do just the opposite, to think we are better than we really are, and to be less than honest in evaluating ourselves. Ever since the fall of man in the garden of Eden, this is the natural state of humanity. Paul warns us to rise above our natural inclination. He warns us because it’s a terribly unfulfilling way to live when we think we’re better than we really are; when we’re not honest with ourselves.

What does this have to do with the ORA principle of deepening our relationships? In this case, our relationship with ourself. It's all about how our self-awareness deepens our relationships with others.

Observe I’ll explain in a story. My encounter with helping an older lady fill the tires on her van with air at Kwik Trip.

What I observed in her:

Older lady with a 3-pronged cane.
Big van. Pulled up just before I did at the free air pump for tires
She was moving pretty slow, having difficulty getting the nozzle on the tire valve
Car windows half-open in single degree temperatures
My husband normally handles this, but he’s a double amputee”
She thanked me, but not overly so

What I observed in me:

In a hurry, had other things to do
Frustrated when she pulled up to the air pump just seconds before I
did. Had I left just a little earlier I wouldn’t be waiting here.
Impatient. As I watched her trying to fill her tires I knew I would be
waiting a long time to get my tires filled
Irritation rising within me, like a clogged drain that was backing up into a sink
As I was helping her, my hands were freezing and I was kneeling on the snowy slush to get air into her tires
Concerned that a car that pulled up behind this lady’s van wouldn’t realize I was there ahead of him and that he’d drive ahead when the lady left to get air before me.
On the surface, my behavior was commendable. I could imagine an article on the front page of our local newspaper with the headline “Good Samaritan Helps Disabled Senior Citizen, with Double-Amputee-Husband, Fill Air in Her Tires…Without Regard to His Own Safety in Frigid Cold, and Near Frost-Bite Conditions.” An above-the-fold article on page 1, on top of below-the-fold-story of how sales were going for Girl Scout Cookies.
But on the inside, in my self-awareness, I observed that my attitude was self-centered, cranky, not deserving of even a “Thank You.”

Remember I recalled the time a guy changed my wife Janet’s tire on Highway 30 on the way to Winona Lake with Jennifer and her friend from college. Was he an angel?

The time I changed a lady’s tire at the SuperAmerica gas station and how grateful she was for my help. How good I felt in helping her.

I was reminded how impatient I am with other people when they get in the way of what I want to accomplish. Customer service
people. Insurance billing. Tech Support questions about computer software.

I remember that my impatience is really a manifestation of pride, that my needs were more important than this lady needing air in her tires.

Ask I needed to ask “Why am I like this? Why am I so impatient with people at times” I knew the answer is found in my baggage from the past. It’s my version of the Apostle Paul’s “thorn in the flesh.”

I need to ask God to change me. Because I need to repent. I need to be more patient. To be more humble. James 4:10, “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor”

I need to ask God for help just to let my irritation with this disabled lady go. The things I needed to get done will eventually get done, just not as fast as I would like.

Was this older lady an angel God was using to improve my character to humble me? I don’t know.

What I learned from this situation I give too much meaning to the insignificant moments of life,

When my plans are thwarted by the insignificant moments of living in an imperfect world I am too easily frustrated.

I need to adapt better.

Self-awareness deepens our relationships.

So what does all this mean for YOU? What action can you take in response to today’s program to be more self-aware in your relationships? Here are a few ideas:

When you are frustrated with yourself, practice the ORA principle of deepening your relationship with yourself. It will expose the good, the bad, and the ugly within you, as it did for me.

Observe - what’s going on within you and the people and circumstances around you. What’s really true about all this. Be honest with yourself

Remember - what you’ve learned about yourself in the past. Your predisposition. Your natural inclinations.

Ask - God for help. You’re too close to your own situation. You can’t figure it out on your own. No one can. This isn’t a pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps situation.

If you forget everything else, here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode. Self-awareness deepens our relationships to the extent we act on that self-awareness in a Godly manner so that we can be the person God created us to be.

Well, that’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 93, Remembering Deepens Our Relationships. Only 7 more programs until we reach that magic triple-digit number of 100 episodes.

And in 3 days we’ll also mark the 5th anniversary of the day my book was published, entitled THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. Few people know this, but it was selected by Writer’s Digest as the best inspirational book of 2016. If you remember back to 2016, you may recall there was a real lack of inspiration that year, so the completion wasn’t too tough. Nevertheless, I felt honored that the book won this award.

This anniversary is inspiring me to offer the book to our listeners at 25% off the retail price, good though the end of this month. All proceeds of the sale of the book go to support our missionary care ministry, Caring for Others. Go to caringforothers.org/store to order. Be sure to enter “2016” in the Discount Coupon field.

A friend’s important question Today I want to talk about a question a friend of mine raised several months ago in a meeting at our house. It was for a group of leaders and interested people in our church who wanted to raise their skill level in caring for people in their small groups.

In that meeting we talked about the importance of setting aside our needs, and concerns for a time, so we could tune in the people in our group undistracted by issues or things we were dealing with ourselves. This creates an environment where we can ask others clarifying and follow-up questions.

At the end of the meeting, my friend Chris, sitting next to his wife on our little blue sofa said, “I finally get this, I really do. But what’s next? What do I do now?

Today’s show will attempt to answer Chris’s important question.

The O.R.A. principle of deepening relationships I want to answer Chris’s question in the context of what we’ve been considering the best few episodes, the ORA principle of deepening relationships. If we want deeper relationships it’s helpful to observe people- remember something about them, then ask them questions. O.R.A. We started with asking questions, then backtracked to observing people so you have something to ask them about.

Today we talk about that all-important ORA principle in the middle: Remembering. Remembering things about people. Remembering what they’ve told us, and remembering what we’ve observed about them. Recalling what people said and what we observe about them gives us something meaningful to talk about. Remembering deepens our relationships.

The problem of remembering Deepening a relationship is not a linear process. It’s not a step-by-step orderly process like baking a cake or building a house. It’s a circular process.

We are a forgetful people. We are prone not the remember. Remembering, or not forgetting, is mention often in the bible. Deuteronomy 8 mentions at least 4 different times the importance of remembering or not forgetting. In this case, to not forget all that God has done for the children of Israel and to remember to obey his commands.

In Psalm 113:2, David writes, “Let all that I am praise the Lord, may I never forget the good things he does for me.”

The importance of remembering In John 2 there are at least 2 instances recorded about the disciples remembering something from scripture or their prior encounter with Jesus

Remembering becomes part of being “Unconsciously Competent” in our relationships. It’s level 4 in a series we did on relationship skills two years ago. Check out episode 14 if you want a refresher on this relational skill level.

Remembering the past helps us understand the present in our relationships

Birthdays are all about remembering. Randy’s note. Birthday celebrations. Surprise birthdays.

Birthday and anniversary celebrations are about remembering. So are holy days, like Christmas and Easter. They are about remembering. National holidays, like Memorial Day, Thanksgiving Day, and Independence Day here in the US are about remembering.

Imagine what it would be like if we forgot Christmas, Easter, and Memorial Day? What if we didn’t remember Thanksgiving and Independence Day? Life is so much richer when we remember these events in our history.

Equally so, our relationships are so much richer when we remember even the small things. Remembering deepens our relationships.

The benefits of remembering Remembering is about where we, and others, have come from.

Communion is all about remembering. Jesus says at the last supper and the first communion, whenever you do this, do it in remembrance of me.

Remembering gives us context with people. It adds meat to the bones of our relationship. How well we remember is an indicator of the depth of our relationship with someone.

It’s important to remember the bad stuff, too. Remember bad patterns of behavior in others. It helps to predict what the future will be like in that relationship. Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me.

Examples from my recruiting days. Remember the data, it’s more predictive than hope. we hope he doesn’t repeat his bad behavior.

Remember the good within the context of the bad.

Here are a few ideas for how we can respond to today’s program How do you do this? How do you remember to deepen your relationships?

Reduce the busyness in your life so you have room in your mind and heart for things worth remembering. Get rid of the mental and emotional clutter to free up space.

Pray for people.

Write things down.

Use what you see, what you observe. When you do this well, you’ll be reminded of things. You’ll think to yourself, “Oh yeah, when I saw X do Y, I thought of Z. Maybe I should ask him about it.”

Football players have playbooks. They repeat the same plays over and over again so that in a game they don’t have to remember exactly what to do. It becomes 2nd nature to them. You don’t want to have to think in the heat of the moment.

Go from remembering to being intuitive. Where it’s wired, or re-wired into your DNA. It’s step 4 of Relational Skill development, Unconsciously Skilled, where you remember things about another person without even trying.

From Dorcas: 1/20/21

"So two things that stuck out with your ORA principle. One, you nailed it when going over reasons why people say they don’t want to ask questions...like that would be nosey, etc. You were right! I smiled when you said, “that’s a cop-out”! And it is a cop-out...some people just don’t want to get involved or go deeper.

"The second thing that brought comfort and encouragement was reminding me “Observing – Remembering – Asking is a skill. And like any skill, it takes repetition and practice.” Even old dogs can learn new tricks or improve on ones that have gotten rusty. Refreshing! Thanks, John."

Remembering is like a bank. We make deposits into it, and also withdrawals from it. Deposit more than you withdraw.

I used to ask my grandkids when they were much younger, “Hey kids, what are we doing now? Making memories, grandpa.”

Make deposits in the memory banks of others, that they can withdraw from later. Funeral services can be like this, where family and friends of the deceased share memories of the person who died. It’s withdrawing from our memory bank what the person deposited into our account before they passed on.

As always, of course, we can pray to God that he will help us remember.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. The easiest way is to put your thoughts in an email and send them to me, john@caringforothers.org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes.

If you forget everything else, here’s one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Work at remembering things about the people in our life to the point it’s no longer work. Set aside our own concerns and needs occasionally, to create space to remember important data about the important people in our life. Remembering deepens our relationships.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act by remembering what people have said and what you observe about them. In doing so you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to today’s episode, where we pick up where we left off in episode 89, How to Be a Better Observer of People. It aired on January 27th, 2021.

To start, I’m going to share a response I received about that episode. It’s from a listener in Tennessee who wrote, “Loved this message. Really challenged me. Listening to it twice.”

The message of that episode was this: our relationships deepen as we become better observers of the important people in our life. It gives us important data for relating well with them. I expand upon how to be a keen observer of people in today's episode.

If someone went to the trouble of listening twice to the how to be a better observer of people episode I going to assume there’s more interest in the subject. It’s a key component to the O.R.A. principle of deepening our relationships with people. Observe - Remember - Ask.

There are 3 distinct benefits to being a keen observer of people

Benefit #1 We come to understand the love of God better when we’re a keen observer of people When we see others as God sees them, and loves them, we begin to see how God sees us. And loves us.

[Story of the kids complaining about one of their peers on the way home from church. Sorry, no transcript of this example is available]

The more we know about each other, the less we’ll sin against each other. Because we’ll appreciate more the slow process of how God works in each of us to conform us more and more into his image.

We are all a work in progress. When we recognize this in the behavior and attitudes of others it enables us to forgive and show grace more easily.

Being an astute observer of people pleases God. It enriches our lives when we see God at work in the lives of others. When we dig deeply and keenly observe people as God’s children, we grow to understand the love of God in a deeper way

Benefit #2 Being a keen observer of people will often bring to light our faulty assumptions and expectations of people We default to assuming. There’s so much we don’t know about people.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” - Philo of Alexandra

To be an astute observer of people means we’ve set aside our own prejudices, which is hard to do on our own. We need God’s wisdom and power to set aside our confirmation bias, where we interrupt data through the filter of foregone conclusions about people.

Janet and I were recently in a Zoom meeting where the issue of married people and singles working together on the mission field came up.

Two key sticking points in those relationships are assumptions and expectations. An astute observer of people will question his or her assumptions, and also have realistic expectations of others.

[example of the young missionary wife who for their team party or celebration brought cookies from the store, rather than making them from scratch. Sorry, no transcript of this example is available ]

Benefit #3 Being a keen observer of people enables us to act wisely in our relationships [Story of being a deacon at a church where there was a lot of turnover on congregants. Lots of new people coming in the front door, but just as many leaving out the back door. I suggested at a deacon meeting we interview those who had left the church. Pastor slams his fist on the table and yells at me.

No one came to my defense, except one guy several days later. My observation of the pastor and my colleagues on the board gave me useful data in relating with those men from that point forward.

Being a good observer of people guides you in who to invest a relationship with and who to avoid.

[example of the mission agency that hired me to do exit interviews with two missionary couples who recently left their ordination to join another sending agency. Sorry, no transcript of this example is available]. To improve their organization they needed data

So what does all this mean for YOU? What action can you take in response to today’s program? Here are a few ideas: * Ask God to increase your observation skills. Ask him to help you see others as He does. He’ll show you how. * Remember, this is all a skill that can be learned. It takes practice to observe others in a meaningful way. * Listen to previous episodes developing our relational skills, the 4 levels of relationship skills:

Episode 11. Unconsciously Unskilled - Level 1
Episode 12. Consciously Unskilled - Level 2
Episode 13. Consciously Skilled - Level 3
Episode 14. Unconsciously Skilled - Level 4

Finally, I want to share one last response to episode 89, How to Be a Better Observer of People. A retired missionary emailed to tell me that she wants to “observe my beloved husband and others with a more focused attention, and observing them as Jesus does. Thanks for getting my attention.”

May that be our desire as well. To observe people as Jesus does.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can put your thoughts in an email and send them to me, john@caringforothers.org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes.

If you forget everything else, here’s one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. There are great personal benefits that accrue to us when we are a keen observer of people. But we need God’s help to be that kind of person.

Well, that’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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How are we doing with our New Year’s resolution to do good for others? To do more for people than they do for you, to the point they thank you in writing?

Hey, thank you, Carol. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 91, Keeping Your Resolution to Do Good for Others.

We are 41 days into 2021, and I thought it would be interesting to see how we’re all doing with the one new year’s resolution we talked about in episode 87: “Make it a Relational New Year’s Resolution.” If you’re new to the podcast, you might want to go back and listen to it. It aired on January 13th. You’ll find a link to it in the show notes.

This relational resolution I spoke about was to resolve to get written “Thank You” notes from as many people as you can this year. It's to do good for others to the point people thank you in writing.

Today I want to share the results I’ve seen and heard so far.

The numbers thus far * As of the date of this recording, and together with my wife Janet, we received 4 thank-you notes addressed to both of us. For scoring purposes, I’ll divide the 4 in half, so that’s 2 for Janet, 2 for me. * And then I received one addressed just to me. So if my slide rule is correct, that brings my total to 3. Janet has 2. * Carol, how many have you gotten so far this year? 4? really. You’ve always been an overachiever.

An unexpected consequence to this New Year’s resolution As I was thinking about how I could meet this goal of getting thank-you notes sent or given to me, I began to think of writing my own thank-you notes to people who have been kind to me.

This drew me to a gift I received a few years ago from my daughter. It’s a lovely box, entitled “A Year of Gratitude - A Kit to Inspire 52 Weeks of Giving Thanks.”

Inside were 52 simple thank you notes and envelopes, printed in 4 unique designs. Also included is a small booklet, the cover of which read, A Year of Gratitude Journal. It contains pages to write down the names of people you send these thank-you notes, and other pages with thoughts and quotes about the practice of thankfulness.

Since I have 20 left, I must have sent 32, assuming of course the slide rule I mentioned before is still accurate.

The inside of the box cover reads as follows:

Each act of gratitude starts a ripple of kindness that begins with you and reaches further than you can imagine. Every letter you write adds joy to the world, so take out your pen and begin.

What writing a hand-written note does for you So I’ve started to write a few thank you’s from this box, and it’s starting to get a bit addictive. Addictive in the sense that I’ve started to become more aware of the kindness extended to me. Even though it’s more work than sending an email, writing a text, or making a phone call, I’m finding myself drawn to this process.

There’s something about using a pen to draw something out of my heart to lay it down in ink on paper or card stock, and then putting it in an envelope, sealing, addressing, and affixing a stamp. There’s something I find creative about this effort, and that I’ve accomplished something of importance.

And then there’s the mystery and wonder of mailing the envelope. You put it in the mailbox, and for just 55 cents here in 2021, many people will be your hired hands at the post office, your temporary employees, your servants who do your bidding to deliver your note to whomever you want to receive it. From the tip of Maine to Hawaii in the Pacific Ocean, you can do all this for just 55 cents.

So what's the point? * The whole point of this relational New Year’s resolution is to do something significantly good that impacts people, which prompts them to express their gratitude in writing. Getting a thank-you note is simply the end result of kind and thoughtful behavior on our part. It’s a way of keeping score. * It’s a high bar to receive something in writing. Not a phone call. No email. Not even a text. To get a written note of appreciation on a piece of paper requires more effort and work on the part of the sender. For people to go to this trouble, means you must have touched them in some meaningful way. * The goal of this relational resolution is to deepen our relationships with people. We don’t have control over what others do to strengthen our bond with them, but we do have control over how much effort WE put into the relationship

What generated these thank you notes? * With regard to the 4 thank-you notes sent to Janet and me jointly + 1 was from a missionary couple who recently stayed with us for a week + 1 was for the encouragement received from this podcast + Another was for having a friend over for dinner + And the last one was for a financial support contribution to a new missionary couple to help get them started * The one solely sent to me came in the mail from Kathy, a listener to the podcast, who wrote: “You have earned a thank you note!” Then she went on to say a few things she liked about the podcast. * Two things struck me about her note: you have earned a note. It starts with earning… doing something meaningful that evokes a written response. * The second thing was what she wrote on the back of the small envelope, “I forgot to tell you this note is from my Grandma’s collection! She always wrote thank-you notes!” * What a privilege to the recipient of one of these notes from a finite, dwindling supply from a dear relative of this podcast listener.

So what does my experience have to do with you as a listener to this podcast? * I would like to hear YOUR stories of people who have sent YOU thank you notes, and what you did to prompt people to write to you. What you did can inspire the rest of us to do something similar. * It would be a great way to encourage the rest of us * You can send your stores to me in an email to me, john@caringforothers.org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Be kind to people. Spread a little relational sunshine. Do good without expecting anything in return. Start your own ripple of kindness that will motivate others to do the same.

Here are a few ideas for how we can respond to today’s program. * You don’t need to do a podcast to encourage others. The Holy Spirit can show you how to encourage others in other ways, using your unique gifts and personality that God created you with. Just ask. * The easiest way for you to get a written thank you note is to have someone over to your house or apartment for a meal. Or even just dessert. Or coffee. Maybe watch a movie. Or just hang out together. Follow the pandemic protocols to whatever extent you feel comfortable but just do it. * A second way you can get a thank-you note is to send money to a missionary. If you’re in the habit of donating to missionaries, you’ll get a receipt. That’s fine, but it doesn’t count for our purposes unless you get a handwritten note from the recipient. For that to happen, you’ll have to do something different. Like sending an extra contribution. Or sending them a check directly, without getting a tax-deductible receipt * Write a note to someone in your family. I wrote a thank you note to my wife, Janet. A few days later, she wrote one to me. And it wasn’t our birthday, Valentines Day, or Thanksgiving * Do kind things for people in secret, even though you’ll never get a thank-you note for doing so. The Bible talks about this. The “thank you” you receive will be from Jesus * Finally, do good for others, regardless if you ever get a thank-you note from them. It will make you a better person, the person you were meant to be. It’s what you were made for.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to take action as we’ve discussed. Be sure to let me know how this goes for you. I’d love to hear what you’ve done that generated a written thank-you note to you. I’d also love to hear how you thanked someone for what they did for you. All of this so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, you were made for this.

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now

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When encouragement from others is lacking, we can encourage ourself by observing others, then ask God to help us to be like the people we admire.

Hello everyone and welcome to today’s show, episode 90. Do you remember the last time someone encouraged you and how good that felt? Do you remember how it motivated you to keep doing whatever it was that prompted another person to take notice of what you did and tell you about it?

Hopefully, it wasn’t too long ago. But for some of us, encouragement from others is as rare as your child asking for more vegetables at dinner. We may not even remember the last time it happened. What are we to do then?

Keep listening as today’s show is about how we can encourage ourself when we don’t get it from other people.

In last week’s program, episode 89, “How to Be a Better Observer of People,” we talked about the ORA principle of deepening relationships. Observing. Remembering. Asking. We focused specifically on observing.

Today I want to talk about another benefit of being a keen observer of people. Besides helping us to understand others and relate with them more deeply, observing others and how they move through life is a great way for us to encourage ourself. I’ve got a number of examples I want to share with you today of how I was encouraged by listener responses to recent episodes of the podcast.

As you hear excerpts from what your fellow listeners have to say, I think you will be encouraged too.

The Christmas Story The first one comes from a listener in Pennsylvania who wrote in response to episode 84 "The Christmas Story", on December 25th.

This morning, I listened to your Christmas Day podcast gift....matter of fact, I listened to it twice. Thank you. The choice of passage really spoke to me and helped put me into a better frame of mind for this season. Thank you for this gift.

This listener’s response encouraged me to think about how I can change my frame of mind when it needs changing. I don’t have to stay stuck. I can do what he did, namely, listen to or read a passage of scripture, maybe even twice like he did. This encourages me. I hope it encourages you.

Finding Joy at the end of 2020 The second listener response was to episode 85, "Finding Joy at the End of 2020", on Dec. 30th. It’s from Marcy, a missionary serving in Brazil who wrote:

I can certainly identify with “joy along with sadness” this Christmas holiday season. I really appreciated your emphasis on choosing to have joy even while not minimizing so many who also experience pain during the holidays. As children of God we are “created in His image “ -which gives us the power to choose. Yes -“power” because we are not victims of our pain, nor our circumstances, no matter how challenging. We can turn to God. His “mercies are new every morning. Thank you for your message of HOPE.

Observing how Marcy can find joy even in the middle of sadness encourages me. She says we don’t have to live like victims, because we can turn to God when bad stuff happens to us. I don’t know about you, but I sometimes like playing the victim card. Because when I’m a victim, nothing is my fault and I don’t have to change. Nothing is required of me.

Her comments encourage me to realize I don’t have to feel like a victim. That I can choose to turn to God for help when things don’t go my way. And you know, you can, too.

Live out a theme for yourself for the rest of 2021 Then there’s the note I got in the mail on January 2nd from Randy, a listener in Pittsburgh. He wrote

I am so glad you are doing this podcast …it’s an ongoing encouragement in how to care for and love others. In my daily devotional that I read from John Eldridge, I was encouraged to ask God for a theme to live out 2021….within minutes I looked at our Christmas tree and saw the wood ornament “Hope.”…the only large letter ornament on our tree…It’s God’s gift of encouragement to be hopeful in the coming year and to live with hope…seems well-suited for me in 2021!

Noticing how Randy picked a theme to live out this year, encourages me to do the same. It's an example of how we can encourage ourself by observing how others view life. Randy selected “living with hope this year.” Hmmn. I think I’ll pick, “Look for the joy.” I’d like to be a little more like Randy. How about you? Is there a theme you can live out in 2021?

Second-hand praise Speaking of joy, Linda from North Carolina responded to episode 86, "How to Begin the Year with Joy," on January 6th. She wrote:

It’s amazing to me how important we are in each others’ lives. We can actually sustain someone through our written words of encouragement, through our voice in a song or poem, through a fresh-baked pie or pot of soup, through our prayers on their behalf. I’m excited to trust our All-Creator God to help me be alert in this new year to sustain others in creative, simple ways.

I think you could do a whole session, John on passing on 2nd hand praise. I recently wrote a couple in my daughter and son in law’s church who have been so supportive to them in the home going of my daughter’s mother in law. Throughout our Christmas time together, my daughter shared several ways they’d been helped by this couple. So yesterday I wrote them myself thanking them for the way they had encouraged my kids by their kindness. We never know how a small seed of appreciation, passed on in that way can bear much fruit. All it takes is keen ears to catch it initially and then diligence to follow through letting the first person know the impact of their thoughtfulness. I love being that kind of link, don’t you?

Linda’s comments really encouraged me to do what she does, All it takes is keen ears to catch it [the kindness of others] initially and then diligence to follow through letting the first person know the impact of their thoughtfulness. What a great way to make a difference in the world. Observing how Linda lives life encourages me to be a little more like her. Her comments show me we can encourage ourself by observing others. This will work for you, too.

Stepping into people’s lives Another person I’m encouraged to be more like is Josephine, the missionary from Eastern Europe I interviewed in episode 83, "The Best Christmas Gift - Be with People in Community," right before Christmas on December 23rd. She’s also a listener to the podcast and wrote to thank me for having her on the show, and then said that the episode

...caused me to reflect even more on a key element of the Christmas story- Jesus stepping into our world as the light of the world, just as I, on an incomparable smaller scale, stepped into theirs [i.e., those musicians she mentioned she developed a relationship with who honored her by wanting to know about the real Christmas story] and was able to share pieces of truth with them. May he in his grace help us to be open, bold, and sensitive to opportunities like this!

If you missed that episode, find the time to go back and listen to it. I’ll have a link to it in the show notes, no. 83 on December 23, 2020, “The Best Christmas Gift - Be with People in Community.“

Hearing how Josephine is still reflecting on the Christmas story and how it motivates her to be open, bold, and sensitive to opportunities to enter into the lives of others, encourages me to do the same. I need to be a little more like Josephine. Does observing how Josephine lives encourage you?

Carol thinks we need to have her back on the podcast. I agree!

A different kind of New Year's resolution Finally, I have two other responses from listeners about episode 087, "Make it a Relational New Year’s Resolution" from January 13th.

Jennifer, from South Carolina, wrote I loved your thank you note goal idea for 2021! I will work on this… And this from Libby, another listener:

Hi John, I loved your idea about collecting "Thank You" notes, but I really like the idea of remembering to do things for others that will prompt the response. I also appreciated your podcasts about joy. I needed them.

Remember the “Thank you note” idea? Do something for people that causes them to write you a thank you note. See how many you can get this year.

Noticing how these two listeners reacted to that idea encourages me to be even more intentional about it myself. And I’m glad they got the point, that it’s not the thank you note itself that’s the goal, it’s doing something so meaningful that it motivates someone to express their appreciation in writing. That’s the point. I’m encouraged to follow Jennifer and Libby’s lead because I know it will bring out the best in me. It will do the same for you, too.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. When encouragement from others is hard to come by, we can encourage ourself by observing others. And then ask God to help us be more like the people we watch and admire.

Here are a few ideas for how we can apply today's episode to our own relationships? Look around and start watching for people who display virtue in how they think and behave. People close to you, as well as complete strangers. What qualities do you admire in them? Which of their virtues would you like to take on as your own?

It starts by observing. Look for the good people. The kind people. Take notice of others like those mentioned in today’s episode. You can be like them. You really can. But you can’t do it on your own. You need God’s help. Ask Jesus to show you how you can be more like the people you respect and admire.

Then you will become more the person God intends for you to be. You were made for this.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. Just like those you heard about today. It’s bound to encourage others.

You can put your thoughts in an email and send them to me, john@caringforothers.org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes.

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 89, where today we talk about how to be a better observer of people.

In last week’s episode, Get Them to Say "Thank You for Asking" I talked about the ORA principle of deepening our relationships with people - Observing - Remembering - Asking. Today we’re going to examine in more detail the first component, O - observing.

It’s about how we can understand people better by noticing the clues they give us about what they are experiencing. This is all for the purpose of deepening our relationship with the important people in our life.

Last week I tried to make the point that the ORA principle is based on the premise that you actually care. If you don’t really care, it will come across as manipulation. It’s important to be honest with yourself, to do a gut check and ask yourself, do I really care about that person and want to have a deeper relationships with them.

Or do I just want to relate someone to get something from them. Do I want to use them to meet my needs?

If the later is the case, you may as well stop this recording now and listen to one of those ubiquitous crime podcasts instead. But if you want to deepen your relationship with someone, keep listening.

The myth of Ice breaker exercises These rarely ever work. They almost never lead to anything. And they’re often used when there is no ice to be broken. Here’s an example:

Q: “Tell the group something about yourself most people don’t know.”

A: I typically answer with one of 3 responses

I have two birth certificates with two different names
Years ago I was a panelist on a TV show
I once sat in front of a presidential candidate on an airplane.

People rarely ever follow-up on the answers people give, even though its purpose is to help people get to know each other better

The power of “bubbles” The SYIS (Sharpening Your Interpersonal Skills) concept. Air bubbles that rise to the top of a calm lake reveal life underneath. Look for the bubbles.

What clues are people giving off? With their words? Their actions? Where is the life? Where is the danger?

Be a detective. As in the old TV show, “Monk.” It was about a private detective with an obsessive-compulsive disorder. Played by award-winning actor,Tony Shalhoub, who is from Wisconsin, by the way. He solved crimes by noticing clues others missed. He could follow the bubbles.

Three examples of observing The " A poem is everywhere” story from college [no transcript available]. I mentioned in episode 87 to look for emotion. What do you think people are feeling? What are they happy about? Sad about? Worried about? Look for the emotion. The poem I wrote is about the emotion I saw in the moment.

Later when I taught creative writing: field trips to the airport and the zoo. Write something about the people. It was all about exercise our curiosity muscles. Good writers are good observers of people.

More recently, a Christmas party at a friend’s house, and looking around his den.

Be tentative in your observations To be open to the possibility you’re mistaken. Think to yourself, “I wonder if…”

Caution on body language. Misinterpreting it. Arms folded means I’m closed off to you, when it could simply mean “I’m cold.”

It’s a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice and repetition.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode Our relationships deepen as we become better observers of the important people in our life. It gives us important data for relating well with them.

Here are a few ideas for how we can respond to today’s program Ask God to help you be a better observer of people. Ask him to help you be more curious about others, not to be nosy, but to better appreciate what God is perfecting in the character of the people he created.

As I mentioned last week, being a keen observer of people is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice and repetition.

Read good literature. Poems, short stories, novels. pay close attention to character development. How do people change?

Watch good movies with a critical eye. Use the same principles of reading good literature. Look for the emotion, in the characters, and in yourself in response to the movie.

Study George Bailey the main character in It’s a Wonderful Life! Notice how is wife Mary responds to George’s anger and fear husband. Check out episode # 45 Seven Relationship Lessons from the Best Christmas Move Ever Made.

Learn from people who observe well Lars and the Real Girl, that wonderful Ryan Gosling movie. Study the characters. Notice how everyone relates to Lars, and his bizarre behavior. One person relates to him differently than all the other characters, which eventually leads him to more healthy relationships.

This person who relates differently to Lars is a doctor. She observes things about Lars that others in the film miss. She took in data that’s revealed in the first few minutes of the movie that helped her understand Lars in ways that the other characters did not. They had the same data she had, but her keen observation skills saw the connection between that data and Lars’ behavior. Everyone else missed it. For me, observing how the doctor related with Lars, gave me a powerful insight into human behavior that has helped me in relating to people.

So observing the skills others use in relating to people, be it fictional or in real-life, is another thing we can do to apply what we’ve learned in today’s episode.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can put your thoughts in an email and send them to me, john@caringforothers.org.

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 88. Today we examine in-depth that odd expression of …. “Thank you for asking.”

In last week’s episode I talked about making a New Year’s resolution of interacting with people in such a way that they will send you a “thank you” note in writing.

That’s going to take some effort on your part because people rarely send thank you notes anymore. So for you to receive one, it will mean you’ve done something so meaningful for someone they can’t help but express their appreciation in writing. That’s a tall order, but still a worthy goal. As I said last week, it will bring out the best in us when we make it our goal for people to appreciate in writing what we’ve done for them.

Today, however, I want to give you a related relationship goal this is easier. It’s a listening goal that will be a quick win for you. The goal is to get people to say to you, "thank you for asking."

A quick win listening goal This expression, thank you for asking, is such an odd statement. Why are we prompted to thank someone for just asking us a question?

Answer: Because it’s uncommon. Most people are usually telling, not asking, and when they do ask, it’s for news or something to benefit them, not for any intrinsic purpose to simply get to know you as a person.

In a 90-minute listening talk at MC2, I gave this challenge at the end of the workshop, “make it your goad to get people to say ‘Thank you for Asking.’”

I don’t mean to elicit this response from the clerk at the gas station or the teller at your bank who greets you with, “Hi, how are you today?" and you say, “Fine.” And then you ask the clerk or teller how they’re doing and they respond back with “Fine. Thank you for asking.”

That’s just a polite courtesy, with not much meaning behind it.

(By the way, I may have said it before, but you know what “fine “ is, don’t you? Feelings Inside Not Expresses. F.I.N.E.)

So how do you do this? How do you ask someone a question that causes that person to respond with thank you for asking? You use the O.R.A principle.

The O.R.A. principal It starts with Observing, followed by Remembering, then Asking. O.R.A.

Observing Pay attention to what people say, and don’t say. Notice the body language. What do their eyes tell you? Notice the lip that starts to quiver, the knees that shake. The smile that comes across their face.

Pretend you’re a reporter or detective, and note as many details as possible. Notice any incongruities between their words and their actions.

Look for emotion. What do you think they are feeling?

People watch, Speculate about them.

What are they happy about? Sad about? Worried about? Look for the emotion. It’s how we connect with one another.

Game with our grandsons at their favorite pancake house. Imagine what the people are like in the next booth over. Or sitting in a Chick-fil-A near a window to the drive-through, and speculate about each driver who passes by

Above all, be curious.

Remembering Observing is about the present. Remembering is about the past, about prior observations

File observations in your memory bank

In meeting a friend or someone else, ask yourself, “What did we talk about last time we met? What were they concerned about? What was on their mind then?

Recreate a picture of your interaction with them from awhile ago

What decision were they facing?

What had time sensitivity to our last chat?

Praying for people helps you to remember what to ask them about.

Asking Ask something about them. Don’t ask something that benefits you, ask something about them.

Remind them of your last or prior conversation, and pick up where you left off.

Be tentative, you can always be corrected. Picture yourself in their shoes

The “If they wanted me to know they’d tell me. I don’t want to be nosey.”

It’s a myth.

Be sensitive to time and place.

The result of practicing the ORA principle: People will feel cared about, that someone would notice and remember, certainly from the past, but also something from the here and now.

I’ll give you an example: recently I shared with a few people an unfortunate situation affecting someone from our extended family. It was a very troubling situation for this person, and because Janet and I are close to this person, it troubled us deeply too. It even kept me at night, it was so bothersome.

We told a few people about it, two in particular - one in person, and one in a phone call. A week or so after we told what was going on, both people followed up with me. One called because they observed even in a phone call how bothered I was. They could easily picture themself in my situation. They remembered my situation after some time passed, and asked how I was doing, and how our extended family member was coping with things. And then several weeks later they called again, still remembering what I had shared, asking how all of us were doing.

The other person did essentially the same thing, but by text. In both cases, I felt cared for because these two friends Observed, Remembered, and Asked.

The one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode Make it your goal to become a better observer of people, remembering what you see, and what others tell you about themselves. Make this the basis for inquiring about their lives. They will thank you for it.

Here are a few ideas for how we can respond to today’s program. The ORA principle is based on the premise you actually care. If you don’t really care, it will come across as manipulation.

To not observe, not remember, or fail to ask is a real relationship killer. It communicates you don’t care, when in reality you may indeed care.

Observing - Remembering - Asking is a skill. And like any skill, it takes repetition and practice. Watch a movie or TV show and pay attention to the actors, using the things we talking about in “observing.”

What are they feeling? What might be going on just below the surface of their life?

If you could ask them a question that would cause them to reply, thank you for asking, what would you ask?

Another thing you could do to help get the word out about this podcast is to leave a review in iTunes, or wherever you get your podcasts.

A related resource that might interest you Episode 065: End With This Important Question to Ask

Episode 063: Six Reasons Why We're Not More Curious About People

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 87. Today we talk about a New Year’s resolution that will go a long way to deepening your relationships.

I’m guessing it’s a New Year’s resolution you have never heard of before. In fact, I’d bet the farm on it, if I had a farm, that is. And even though we’re 13 days into the new year, it’s not too late to start implementing this resolution. And once you put it into practice, you’ll find it reaps rewards that will motivate you to keep up your resolve for the rest of the year. It's a relational New Year's resolution.

The New Year’s relational resolution Make it your goal to receive “Thank You” cards or notes for the rest of 2021.

The backstory and why do this I came across this idea from Pat Flynn, and his goal for his business goal, to get thank you notes from his clients. Bulletin board full of them.

I started noticing a few “Thank You” notes I was getting, and how motivating these are for me to keep doing whatever it is I did that caused someone to put their appreciation in writing.

We’re all a little bit like Pavlov’s dogs. Positive reinforcement encourages positive behavior. As a teacher, a discipline technique was, “Catch your kids doing something positive, and then reward that behavior with a positive comment.” It works better than negative reinforcement.

An example Emptying our dishwasher in the morning makes my wife Janet happy. I didn’t know how much she disliked doing this. When she started thanking me, I started doing it more often.

When you put this New Year’s resolution into practice it will be a means of living out Romans 12:10, where we are told to “take delight in honoring others.” It will certainly delight us when we do something that honors someone to the point they put their appreciation in writing.

I like the fact that this New Year’s relational resolution of receiving thank you notes is something you can measure. It’s tangible. It would be fun to have a contest to see which of our listeners got the most thank you notes. We won’t do that, but I would really like to hear from you and what you did that prompted someone to send you an expression of their gratitude.

How do I do this? Ask God to show you whom to bless, whom to be kind to, whom to care for. Do for one what you wish you could do for all (Andy Stanley)

To receive a “thank you” note, you have to do something pretty meaningful for someone to make the effort to show their appreciation in this way. In the age we live in, where electronic communication is the norm, for someone to use an older technology like writing a note, requires more of that person.

But it’s this older technology that will get your attention and be more meaningful because of the work involved for the sender. A written thank you note will mean something. It’s a significant marker.

Story of my recruiting days: Mailing resumes - then faxing them - now emailing them. At times we use the older technology to get attention.

Whatever we do for someone to elicit their gratitude requires that we be keen observers of people. We need to have some degree of understanding about that person. What makes them tick? What's their love language?

Lastly, keeping this New Year’s relational resolution will bring out the best in you. And the best in the recipient of your meaningful behavior.

Two more examples The card from L_____… 11 months after the class.

Just a few weeks ago I got one from one of our podcast listeners, along with a check as a donation to our missionary care ministry, Caring for Others, that sponsors this podcast. On the memo line they wrote, “Thank you!”

The “thank you” note I sent to the street department for cleaning out the leaves from our culvert. No response, don’t know who saw it at the city. But it was good for me. I thought about life from their perspective. You shouldn’t expect a “thank you” to your “thank you.”

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Do something significant for someone that will prompt the person to send you a thank you note. Do it at least once a month. Make this your relational New Year’s resolution.

Here are a few ideas for how to respond to today’s program. Start by doing something meaningful for the people closest to you. It’s so easy to take people for granted who are nearest to us. Ask God to show you what that person needs from you right now. Ask God what you should do for that person.

Then start noticing people who are kind to you, and to others. Then send them a thank you note for what you appreciated about their behavior.

Finally, if you’re an over-achiever and looking for another New Year’s resolution to tackle in 2021, check out this blog post I wrote a year ago: The ONE New Year’s Resolution that Makes the Others Possible.

If you missed the last two episodes, one to end 2020 and the other to start 2021, they’re both about joy. If you could use a little joy right now, click on these links:

085: Finding Joy at the End of 2020
086: How to Begin the Year with Joy

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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Begin the year with joy. Find some or create some. When you create joy for others you create joy for yourself. Today’s episode shows how.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 86 and the start of Season 5 of our podcast.

We said goodbye to 2020 in last week’s episode with the thought that even in difficult circumstances there is always joy to be found if we look hard enough. I gave two examples of finding joy in difficult circumstances.

Starting today, let’s begin the year with joy. To do so I share several examples of finding joy in more positive contexts, like now, at the beginning of a new year. Not much has gone wrong yet. At least at the time of this recording.

I hope the several stories I share will inspire you to either find joy, or create some yourself if you come up empty. I’ll explain how, so listen in.

The first example that begins the year with joy Christmas card from ECFA (Evangelical Child and Family Agency) “ECFA has chosen joy amidst this pandemic.” I love the bold strength. It brings me joy to see this.

Humor is a place where we often find joy * For me, joy is often found in humor. In episode 80, A Christmas Gift of Silence on December 2nd. I mentioned ending the podcast with Marcel Marceau singing “his rendition of Silent Night.” 23 seconds of no sound, because Marcel Marceau was a mime * My friend Larry’s response about Marcel Marceau and the context of Zechariah’s 9 months of silence * Another listener’s comment about appreciating Marcel Marceau * The Who Gets You? episode, no 81, “A Christmas Gift of Connection” elected a comment from Brad, a listener from Florida. Brad’s a friend of mine and he said his dog, Lucy, “Get’s him” and then he rated his wife Kathy as A-1. * Humor is a tricky thing. We sorely need it for healthy relationships. It’s what got me through adolescence. But we don’t want to make it the focal point of our relationships. We'll save that topic for another day.

Something we say that encourages another will begin the year with joy * A listener’s email about being more of an observer and less of a commentator.

"Be more of an observer and listener and less than a commentator. It can be a Christmas present of silence you give to others."

“Two days ago I was in a phone conversation with a family member. She commented on a photo that I had pointed out to her in a book I had given her to read. When I mentioned that an item (a table) in the photo was actually positioned differently there than how we actually sat at that table when we were young, she disagreed and said it had been the same way that this book was showing it. WHAT?? I started to come back with a strong rebuttal when all of a sudden it was as if the Holy Spirit said, "Stop."

“I learned that this was not an instance where I needed to be right, that she may or may not hear the truth from another family member (Eleven of us sat around that table back then), but that I could walk away. I am so glad I did. The Holy Spirit immediately began ministering to me about how there are other heavier things in life that truly may need to be said but that this was not one of them. That day became an enveloping of the Holy Spirit that I could have missed out on.”

Comment from a former student I ran into him about 12 years ago, and then had a phone conversation with him about a mutual acquaintance just the other day. And I learned where life has taken him in the 40+ years since we were in the same classroom together every day. What struck me was his comment, “you were so kind to me back then.”

Thank you note from a listener “Joy” at the top of the small card, the size of an index card, “John, just a note to let you know how much I enjoy your podcasts! They bring me much joy. ~ Patty

This really touched me. It’s a great privilege to bring joy into someone’s life. I know some of you do this all the time. And I also know some others of you do just the opposite. You drain joy from people.

The good news for you is that you don’t have to be that way. You too can also begin the year with joy. You’re just as capable as the rest of us to spread joy. Give it a try. For as you spread joy to others, you’ll create joy for yourself. It’s one of the great mysteries of life.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Begin new things, like the start of a new year in 2021 from a position of joy. Look for it, or create your own, and then spread it to others.

Here are a few ideas for how we can respond to today's program Ask, what new thing in my life can I start today from a position of joy? Either look hard to discover the joy that’s already there, or create some of your own. When you create joy for others. You’ll be amazed how joy will come back to you.

Do what the ladies at the ECFA did and be bold, take a stand, plant a stake in the ground for joy, regardless of what has happened before.

Use humor to spread a little joy. Surprise people by being out of character. Look for puns, be playful with language. Point out incongruencies with a smile. Poke fun at yourself. It’s a great way to begin the year with joy.

Be kind to someone, someone who doesn’t expect it or can ever pay you back. Who knows, maybe you’ll run into that person 45 years later and they’ll thank you for your kindness because it meant something to them so long ago, and they still remember.

Lastly, let me and others know how this goes for you. I’d really like to hear from you about what you’re doing to begin the year with joy.

You can comment in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or email your thoughts to me in an email, john@caringforothers.org.

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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Finding joy in the difficult challenges of 2020 hasn't been easy. But when we look for the joy it takes the edge off trying circumstances.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 85 of our podcast, our last one for 2020, and season 4. Season 5 starts next Wednesday.

In episode 81 a few weeks ago I quoted the bible character Nathaniel, who asked a rhetorical question about Jesus in the very early days of his ministry, “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?” Apparently the town of Nazareth’s reputation lacked a degree of goodness about it. It never made it on the “Top 10 list of Cities in the Roman Empire to Retire."

A similar question can be asked about 2020, with only two days left in the year here on December 30th. Can anything good come out of this past year?

Like Nazareth, there is good and there is joy that came out of this past year, but we need watchful and discerning eyes to find it as 2020 comes to a close. We all know what went wrong in 2020.

Is it just me, or does it seem to you that every letter or email we get this month from organizations start with a sentence or two mentioning how bad things have been for all of us in 2020? I think I’m guilty of writing a few of these myself. Maybe you, too.

There’s no need to list all that went wrong this past year. We see and hear about it every day. The one thing we don’t usually see or hear about is the joy that’s also been part of just being alive in 2020.

So where do you find the joy in these past 12 months?

Finding the joy For me, it’s like when you buy a fixer-upper house as some of us have, or that you see in one of those increasingly popular TV shows about the same thing. I’m thinking of a house that was built, say in the 1950s, and now the original owners had to move into a nursing home. The house had never been updated, with the original linoleum in the kitchen worn through in spots. The cheap metal kitchen cabinets with a few dents in them. The peach-colored floral wallpaper in the bathroom that’s coming apart at the seams.

But the worst is the carpeting that’s been there since Jimmy Carter was president. A few cigarette burns here and there, and stains from various pets down through the decades that gave it that unique odor that told you, “Yep, these people had dogs. Probably several of them.”

All of this looks like the year 2020.

But then … before you move in you begin the rehab work by pulling up the carpeting, and discover much to your unexpected delight, unblemished wood floors under it that look almost new.

Finding the joy in 2020 is like pulling up that smelly, threadbare stained carpeting to find beautiful wood floors underneath. Here are two examples.

Joy found on a college campus A local newspaper published a brief article about Carroll University in town that just completed a semester of in-person learning. They celebrated by passing out to students a winter stocking cap with the school’s logo and a card that simply said, “We Made it!”

Carroll officials spent months in preparation to make the semester of in-person learning possible. Cindy Gnadinger, university president, said “We wanted the students to know that because they followed the protocols we put in place they made the semester possible. There was a lot of joy that we have come this far.”

"We Made It!" "We" - Not just me. Not just you. But we. Us. Administrators, staff, professors, and students. All of us, together. Collectively.

“Made” - We rolled with the punches. We took action. We didn’t roll over and
play dead. We took precautions. We made tough choices. Story of the students who were expelled before the semester started for partying and violating protocols. Set a precedent, We’re serious about this.

All the students we saw on campus wearing masks outside, walking down the street, 50 feet away from others, but still wearing a mask. Accepted the inconveniences for a larger goal

“It” - Completed the goal of a semester of in-person learning against a lot of obstacles. We worked through our fears. Accomplished a goal in the face of adversity. We made it to the finish line, a little wobbly, to be sure. But we made it.

The joy in this experience in no way negates the difficulties and sense of loss the students and staff experienced. Almost no social interactions because of the masks and social distancing. The sense of isolation many students felt is not what the college experience is supposed to be. Yet everyone made the best of these difficult circumstances.

They made it!

Finding joy in God’s timing in a tragic loss In episodes 71 and 72 I talked about my friend Martin whose wife tragically died in early August of this year. I’ve met with him several times since then, and in a recent phone conversation he talked about the grief he is dealing with and the impact of raising a daughter alone, and caring for Suzanne’s disabled 81-year-old mother. The weight of it is almost too much to bear.

But then his voice lifted when he talked about God’s timing of Suzanne’s sudden death. He had great support from the church during those most difficult of days.

“But a month later things started to unravel at the church. The pastor and several staff members left. lots of division occurring, and the support would not have been there for me because everyone was so wrapped up with the internal affairs of the church. It was a blessing Suzanne died when she did.”

Here Martin found a small measure of joy in the midst of overwhelming pain and loss.

Joy and sadness sitting on a bench together My conversation with Martin was on a Saturday. The next day at our church the preacher talked in passing about heaven, and the unspeakable joy that awaits us there. That we are all foreigners just passing through on our time here on earth. That our ultimate home is with Jesus. At that point I thought of Suzanne and her infectious smile taking it all in, enjoying the wait for Martin, her daughter, and her mother to join here. That brought joy to my heart, as it sat on a bench right next to my sadness for Martin and myself over the loss of Suzanne. Joy and sadness sitting on a bench next to each other. That’s how it works.

Finding the joy in no way minimizes the real pain and suffering of 2020, what Jason Riley of the Wall Street Journal calls “the cruelest of years.” It’s like that fixer-upper house I mentioned earlier. As joyous as it was to find the beautiful wood floors under the decades-old carpeting, there’s still all the other challenges. The peeling wallpaper, dented kitchen cabinets, the green screen door hanging from only one hinge. In spite of all this, we can find joy.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. There is almost always joy to be found in difficult circumstances if we look hard enough. When we find it, joy will take the edge off those challenging situations.

Here’s what we can do in response to today’s program. Think of a relational goal you could work toward even in the midst of our global pandemic, and then take some action to accomplish that goal.

Make that phone call, send that text, write that letter, set that appointment to meet, mask and all. Where there is no joy, spread some yourself.

Our Relationship Quote of the Week Joy lies in the fight, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself.

~ Mahatma Gandhi

That’s all for today. See you next week. And Next Year. And the start of Season 5 on January 6th. Goodbye for now, and Happy New Year everyone!

Related resources that might interest you Episode 71 How to Help a Grieving Friend
Episode 72 What I learned from a Grieving Friend

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The best Christmas gift we can give to someone, and ourself, is to be with people in community. That’s what God did in giving us Jesus.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 83. It is the last one in our series on Relationships at Christmas.

One Word to Describe Christmas If someone were to ask you for one word to describe the meaning of Christmas, what word would you pick? Presents? Family? Joy? Jesus?

Listen in to today’s episode where I interview a missionary friend, Josephine, who is serving in eastern Europe. She is single and lives alone 5,000 miles from home here in the US.

Out of security concerns because of where she lives, I don’t call her by her real name. Instead, I call her “Josephine” because that was my grandmother’s name who lived in this part of the world until she was 18 and emigrated to the United States. She’s been dead for many years, but I have fond memories of her.

In my conversation with this Josephine, she gives her answer to the one word that sums up the meaning of Christmas for her. The word she picked may surprise you. So let’s listen in…. [14:33 interview with “Josephine”]

I loved the word Josephine picked to sum up the meaning of Christmas: “Emmanuel - God with us.”

A Christmas Gift of Honor And wasn’t that a great story about those 30 local east European musicians who wanted to honor Josephine, by honoring the holiday that means so much to her?

They did this because she had invested in her relationship with them by honoring their music that she had to learn by ear, as difficult as it was. It reminds me of the verse in Romans 12: 10, “Take delight in honoring each other.” Honor begets honor.

Josephine’s take on the shepherds in the Christmas story also struck me. They were rural, agrarian herdsman, who came into town to be WITH people so very different from themselves.

Josephine concludes by saying she didn’t just watch Christmas from afar, and feel it inside, she actually lived it out by being WITH people in community, different from her, just as God did through his son Jesus who came to be WITH us.

The one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode Christmas is not to be celebrated alone in your pajamas. Instead, the best Christmas gift we can give each other is to be with people in community, some of whom may be different from you. For when we celebrate Christmas with others, we’ll discover we’re not as different from one another as we may think.

A few suggestions for our own relationships in response to today’s episode We can follow Josephine’s example and honor someone at Christmas by extending ourselves to be with people in community, like God did when he sent his son Jesus to be WITH us.

Another thing is to reflect upon the past year, Covid and all, to recall God being WITH us. And then to thank him for that. If nothing comes to mind, just ask him to remind us. More good things have happened to us during this pandemic than we realize. It's a Christmas gift we can give to ourselves.

As always, another thing you can do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes, or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to find a way to celebrate Christmas like God did that first Christmas. He wanted to be with people in a relationship, to be with people in community. It’s what he intends for all of us; if he were to speak to us audibly today I’m sure he’d say You Were Made for This!

Related resources to help be with people in community If you missed the other episodes in our Relationships at Christmas series, you can access them by clicking on the following links:

A Christmas Gift of Silence, episode 80
A Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection, episode 81
A Christmas Gift of Anticipation, episode 82

Our Relationship Quote of the Week As I read the birth stories about Jesus I cannot help but conclude that though the world may be tilted toward the rich and powerful, God is tilted toward the underdog. ~ Phillip Yancey

One last Christmas gift before we close This Friday, December 25, I’ll have an extra Christmas bonus episode for you. It will be brief, so please look for it and listen in.

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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Learn how to get more out of Christmas through the gift of anticipation. As we appreciate what God has already done for us, we can trust him for our future. We can anticipate the good things he was in store for us, like a child waiting to open their presents on Christmas.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 82. Today is the third of our December series on Relationships at Christmas.

We’re coming off the 3rd Sunday of Advent, which occurred just a few days ago. This 3rd Sunday traditionally focuses on Joy. The joy of Christmas. Did you know that you can experience the joy of every Christmas 3 times?

You really can! Hang around and listen, as I explain.

The three joys of Christmas The first joy found in each Christmas is anticipating it, looking forward to Christmas and imagining what it will be like. Then there’s the joy of Christmas Day; and all that happens during those 24 hours. That’s the 2nd joy. Lastly, there’s the joy of remembering afterward what happened on Christmas. It’s reflecting on the events of our Christmas and how what happened touched us in some way. For Today, We’ll Focus on Just the First Joy of Christmas, the Christmas Gift of Anticipation

The first joy: Anticipation of Christmas * It starts with Mary, the mother of Jesus that we read about in the Gospel of Luke in the Bible. We talked a bit about Mary in last week’s episode, #80, but to review she was a teenager from the little village of Nazareth. One day the Angel Gabriel, a messenger from God, visits Mary. * He then tells Mary 3 things that will happen to her in the next few months. She will: 1) conceive a child even though she’s a virgin, 2) give birth to a son, 3)name him Jesus (Luke 1:31) * After this, Gabriel tells Mary 5 things about her yet-to-be-born son, Jesus, and the impact he will have on the world (Luke 1:32)

He will very great
He will be called the Son of the Most High
The Lord God will give him the throne of his ancestor David
He will reign over Israel, and finally
His kingdom will never end

Mary hurries off to share the good news * Soon after Mary gets this news from God, she hurries off to her elderly relative, Elizabeth. * Shortly after her arrival at Elizabeth’s house, Mary shares her joy with Elizabeth what God told her through Gabriel. You can feel the joy in her words as she anticipates what God is going to do through her son, who is actually His son! * Mary praises God for this incredible earth-shattering historic event that is about to happen, and how God chose to get the ball rolling by using her, a nondescript teenage girl of humble origins from the podunk little village of Nazareth. * What a wonderful Christmas gift of anticipation Mary received from God! * Mary anticipates her soon-to-be-elevated status, not because of anything she did, but only because of what God chooses to do with this humble teenage girl. She is in awe of being the recipient of such a great blessing. * This is a beautiful and encouraging relationship story between lowly Mary and the God of the universe. If God will bless someone like Mary, maybe he will bless me too * Mary’s Christmas gift of anticipation is based on the character of God and what he did for many generations before hers

Read Luke 1: 46-56, The Magnificat: Mary’s Song of Praise. She praises God in response to Elizabeth who tells her will be called “blessed”

Shows mercy from generation to all who fear him
Has done tremendous things, like scattering the proud and haughty
Brought princes down from their thrones
Exalted the humble
Filled the hungry with good things
Sent the rich away with empty hands
Helped his servant Israel
Has remembered to be merciful
Made promises to our ancestors, to Abraham and his children forever

Because Mary calls to mind what God has done in the past for her ancestors, she can trust God and anticipate more of his goodness in moving forward in her life, and in the life of her people.

And what joy there is in this Christmas gift of anticipation of what Jesus is going to do next. Mary set the stage for the rest of us in showing that the real joy of Christmas is found in a relationship with Jesus.

What about you? Where are you finding joy this Christmas? Is there anything you can remember that God has done for you in the past, that makes it easier for you to anticipate the good things he will do in the future?

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. To best experience the Christmas gift of anticipation of what is to come. we need to reflect on what has already come. What God has already done in our lives that speak to his character and gives us confidence to trust him in what is yet to come.

Here’s what we can all do in response to today’s program What can you anticipate about your relationship with Jesus, based on what he is doing now in your life, and what he did in the past?

If you can’t point to many things Jesus has done for you, it’s only because you don’t know him well enough…yet. It’s never too late to start getting to know him. Why not start today?

Do what Mary did in Luke 1:38, she just believed. Not in an “I hope so manner”. but rather in affirmation of what God was telling her through the angel Gabriel. Elizabeth tells Mary You are to be called blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said. (Luke 1:45)

Closing In closing I hope you will savor the joy found in experiencing Christmas in 3 ways this year, starting with the Christmas Gift of Anticipation of what is to come. And just like Mary, I hope your Christmas joy is based on your relationship with Jesus. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

If finding more joy during the Christmas season interests you, you might want to listen to episode 46 from last year, Where Joy to the World is Found.

Our relationship quote of the week If you come at four in the afternoon, I'll begin to be happy by three.

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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A deep personal connection with someone who "gets us," brings us joy as we share the challenges and joys of life together. Make one if you don’t have one. It's one of the best Christmas gifts you can ever give - or get.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 81. Today is the second of our December series, Relationships at Christmas.

I love the phrase, “he gets me,” or “she gets me.” You hear it in romantic chick flick comedies a lot. Not so much in the Bruce Willis genre of I-have-to-kill-the-bad-guys-or-else-the-world-will-be-destroyed movies.

I love the “he gets me” phrase because it captures a feeling of connection, oneness and understanding between two people in just 3 little words. It describes a relationship where you don’t have to explain yourself much, because someone knows you so well, so deeply, words aren’t necessary.

Those of us who have a relationship like this treasure it. But about the rest of us? How can we get this gift of connection where we can say of another person, “they get me?"

The Christmas story found in the Bible gives us an example of such a relationship. Let’s see what we can learn from it that we can apply in our own relationships.

Elizabeth and Mary - A Deep Personal Connection The story is found in the gospel of Luke, chapter 1, and verses 26-45.

The same angel who visited Zechariah visits Mary, both Zechariah and Mary were scared, and he tells them “Don’t be afraid”

What do we know of Mary? She was a teenager, no older than 14, from Nazareth,

Mary comes from Nazareth Located some fifteen miles west of the Sea of Galilee and twenty miles east of the Mediterranean Sea, Nazareth had a population between two and four hundred people during the time Jesus lived there.

Not known for anything significant, except the childhood home of Jesus. He was known as “Jesus of Nazareth."

Up to the time of Jesus, Nazareth was a small podunk village, not known for anything it had to offer the world. In the Gospel of John, Nathaniel, in reference to Jesus asks “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?”

In a town this size, everyone knows everyone and each others’ business

An Angel visits Mary The angel Gabriel visits Mary and tells her even though she is a virgin, she’s going to get pregnant and as a result, give birth to the savior of the world - a humanly impossible feat that defies the science. He then tells Mary of another humanly impossible feat: her elderly relative Elizabeth is pregnant too!

I wonder if this is why God orchestrated John the Baptist’s birth late in the life of his parents. To give Mary a companion, a fellow traveler, who was also dealing with the humanly impossible. Elizabeth and Mary were going to be in it together. They were not going to trust the science alone. They would have each other. What a deep personal connection!

In just 3 days after Mary’s visit from Gabriel, she hurries to her relative Elizabeth’s house. She may have been her aunt or a cousin. How did Mary explain this to her own mother? How did she explain her absence to Joseph her fiancé? Why did she go? God, through his Spirit told her in so many words, “You go, girl!”

Mary visits Elizabeth When Mary greeted Elizabeth in Zechariah’s home there was much joy in the house. Elizabeth was over the moon excited with Mary’s arrival. How affirming Elizabeth was to Mary at a time when Mary needed some connection with another human being who had a sense of what was going within her, both within her body and her mind.

The text says Mary stayed with Elizabeth for 3 months. Elizabeth was already 6 months pregnant, so what does that mean? The math tells me Mary was probably around for the birth of John the Baptist. What great preparation for 14-year-old Mary for what would happen to her in 9 months. What great preparation for her pregnancy itself in going through Elizabeth’s pregnancy with her.

I wonder what Zechariah thought? Here this young relative, maybe a cousin or niece of his wife moves in for 3 months. What was that like for him, for the two women, Elizabeth and Mary?

Elizabeth’s pregnancy was a mystery and a miracle to her friends and neighbors. But Mary’s pregnancy was a source of shame to her friends, family, and people in the village of Nazareth where everyone knew each others’ business. Mary needed Elizabeth more than Elizabeth needed Mary.

Elizabeth, the older woman, blesses Mary the younger woman.

It doesn't always work this way Janet worked for a time with Mom’s n More, a ministry at a church we used to attend. She and other older women were supposed to be mentors to younger women. But the younger women almost always relied on their peers for advice about dealing with the many issues a young mom deals with. Rarely did they go to someone like Janet who had been down that path before and knew where the booby traps were hidden and how to deal with them.

Mary goes on to praise God, which we’ll save for the next episode.

But for now, what a beautiful and intimate personal connection between Elizabeth and Mary. Elizabeth knew what was happening to Mary even before her visit because God’s spirit told her, not Mary. Just as the Spirit of God told Mary what was happening with Elizabeth.

And the Spirit of God still works that way today, putting people together, connecting them with each other in a way that advances God’s plan for the whole world. Not just for one’s individual happiness.

The Holy Spirit still prompts us to reach out and connect with people of his choosing.

What a great Christmas gift of a deep personal connection for both of these women before the very first Christmas. This intimate personal connection was a gift from God to both Elizabeth and Mary.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode Giving a Christmas gift of a deep personal connection with someone who gets us, who understands us, is one of the best Christmas gifts you can ever give - or get.

Here’s what we can all do in response to today’s program Who can we try to connect with who “gets us?” Who understands us?

If there’s no one on the horizon who can do that for us, who is someone we can extend ourselves to in an effort to “get them.” To understand them?

Who might the Holy Spirit be telling us we could be an Elizabeth to? What in your experience has prepared you to be an Elizabeth to someone else?

Who is someone with the cards stacked against them that we can come alongside to let them know you will be with them, in whatever they are dealing with, that you will be there with them together? You’ll walk through things together. Even if it’s shame.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

A related resource that might interest you 045: Seven Relationship Lessons from The Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made

Our Relationship Quote of the Week There are people who take the heart out of you, and there are people who put it back. - Elizabeth David

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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Relationships during Christmas can be challenging. Your Christmas gift of silence may be the best gift you give this year to people.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 80. It’s the first of our December episodes about what we can learn from the relationships we see in the Christmas story that can help us in our own relationships this Christmas. And please be sure to stick around to the end for a rare musical treat I will share with you.

I’ll start by telling you about a group people I met who don’t enjoy Christmas as much as the rest of us. Any idea who this group could be?

It was a group of pastors I used to work with, of all people. The part of Christmas they didn’t enjoy was preaching sermons about it. They loved preaching about other things, but sermons about Christmas were challenging because what can you say that hasn’t already been said.

My suggestion: talk about relationships. The Christmas story has always been about relationships.

I’ll give you an example.

The back story to the Christmas story Like every good story, the story of Jesus’ birth has a back story, which we find in the first 23 verses of the Gospel of Luke. In these verses I count at least 9 different relationships:

The apostle Luke to Theophilus, the recipient of Luke’s letter
Zechariah and Elizabeth
Zechariah and his past, the priestly order of Abijah….his relationship with his past
Luke to the truth
Zechariah and the angel Gabriel
Gabriel and God
Zechariah and his relationship with God
Zechariah and his neighborhood, his circle of relationships. His community
Elizabeth and God

All of these relationships are interesting, but at our staff meeting Carol said I needed to focus on just one of them today. She suggested I should go with with number 7 on the the list, Zechariah and his relationship with God. So that’s what I’ll do.

The Christmas story starts with a man named Zechariah. So who exactly was this Zechariah character, and what can we learn from him?

He was a Jewish priest
Very Godly man, very religious, consider to be righteous in God’s eyes as he was careful to obey all the Lord’s commandments
Was well thought of in his community and religious circle
Married to a woman named Elizabeth who could not conceive a child
A key element to this story is that he and Elizabeth were very old
The angel Gabriel appears to him one day. And he’s terrified. But Gabriel tells him “Don’t be Afraid” and that God has answered his prayer and Elizabeth will have a baby, and he’s to be called John. The angel goes on to tell him what a great man his son will be and that he will prepare the people for the coming of the Lord.
“How can I be sure this will happen? I’m an old man now, and my wife is well along in years.” Big Mistake.
Gabriel then, as God’s messenger, says, because you don’t believe me, you don’t believe God and because of that “you will be silent and unable to speak until the child is born.”
9 months of being mute. It was a Christmas gift of Silence from Gabriel to Zechariah
Elizabeth soon became pregnant and went into seclusion for 5 months. She says “How kind the Lord is! He has taken away my disgrace of having no children.”

We then have the story of Elizabeth’s relationship with Mary, which we will pick up with next week, in episode 81. We’ll skip this for now and move ahead 9 months when Zechariah and Elizabeth’s son is born.

The silence ends * Gabriel's Christmas gift of silence ends 8 days AFTER the baby is born when Zechariah writes on a writing tablet, “His name is John!” * I wonder what Zechariah was thinking for those 8 days because Gabriel said he’d be mute “until the child is born.” Was he impatient? * The first words Zechariah spoke were words of praise to God * vs. 66 “Everyone who heard about it reflected on these events and ask, ‘What will this child turn out to be?’” It was a community event * The rest of the chapter Zechariah praises God, foretells the coming of the savior, and that his son John, vs. 76, “And you, my little son, will be called the prophet of the most high.” What tenderness coming out of Zechariah’s mouth!

How are we to make sense of this story of Zechariah’s relationship with God Zechariah has a hard time believing that God is going to perform a miracle through his wife giving birth to a son, much later in their life. Many of us would have a hard time believing God, too. Why is he penalized for what seems a normal response?

I wonder if it it’s because:

He’s a religious leader and more is expected from leaders. People in the community are watching how he lives out his faith, and to question God like he did sends the wrong message
Not what he said, but HOW he said it.
He placed more value on “the science” than his trust in God’s word to him. We’re all hearing “trust the science” during the 2020 pandemic

The penalty for Zechariah in asking his question seems odd. I wonder why this penalty of 9 months of silence.

Was Zechariah too much of a talker? Some religious and academic types feel the need to weigh in on everything. They don’t.

Maybe God wanted Zechariah to spend more time reflecting on his relationship with Him.

Perhaps God wanted him to be a better listener. To be a better observer of people and the world around him, and less of a commentator or teacher.

I’m guessing that the 9 months of not talking created a spiritual and relational growth spurt in Zechariah. He defied the community norms by naming his son, “John” as Gabriel had said, rather than after someone in the family.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode Trust God and what he says, even when it defies logic, human wisdom, and experience.

What we can all do in response to today’s program? Take more time to be silent; to reflect. It can be a Christmas gift of silence you give to yourself

Restrain our desire to comment on everything that happens around us. Hold more of our opinions to ourself. Have fewer opinions altogether.

Be more of an observer and listener and less than a commentator. It can be a Christmas present of silence you give to others.

Become more of a learner and less of a teacher.

Trust God, even when the odds are stacked against you, like they were for Zechariah and Elizabeth

Embrace silence. Use it to reflect on God and what He thinks, and what he is up to. Just like Zechariah’s community did in Luke 1:66. Your Christmas gift of silence may be the best gift you give this year to family and friends.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

A related resource that might interest you Episode 20, Relating with People Who Talk too Much

Our Relationship Quote of the Week Don't speak unless you can improve upon the silence. ~ Spanish proverb

As we close today’s show, I want to play for you a cut from a CD I got from Carol at last year’s office Christmas party. We all drew names, I got Rex, our beloved doorman to our building. And Carol got me. She knew I am a huge Marcel Marceau fan, so for my gift she got me his Christmas CD, “Marcel Sings Classic Christmas Carols.” Listen in to his rendition of “Silent Night.” It’s one of my favorites.

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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Be thankful for the simple gifts found in relationships. They show us how to relate to God, ourselves, and others. They are a great gift.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 79, our Thanksgiving episode.

Imagine for a minute it’s Thanksgiving Day here in the US, and you are sitting around the table with your family eating your Thanksgiving dinner, and you ask everyone around the table what they are thankful for this past year.

I say “imagine” because Dr. Fauci and others have urged us to avoid family get-togethers altogether. Without regard to what you decide to do in this matter, how would you complete the sentence starting with, “In 2020 I am thankful for….”?

What are you thankful for? I’m not a music guy, but for me, my answer comes from a song of all places. A song I first learned in 7th grade from my music teacher, Miss Luck. It’s a song that could help all of us see Thanksgiving in a new light, in ways that will get us through Black Friday, and carry us on to the rest of the year.

After 7th grade, the next time this same particular song reappeared for me happened in12th grade, during Mr. Dominguez’s music appreciation class when we listened to Aaron Copeland’s Appalachian Spring.

Copeland captivated me with how he weaved this Shaker folk melody throughout his orchestral suite. I think about this tune every Thanksgiving. It's about being thankful for simple gifts found in relationships.

Simple Gifts ‘Tis the gift to be simple, ’tis the gift to be free
’tis the gift to come down where you ought to be
And when we find ourselves in the place just right
‘Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gained
To bow and to bend we shan’t be ashamed
To turn, turn will be our delight
‘Till by turning, turning we come round right.

‘Tis the gift to be simple, ’tis the gift to be free
’tis the gift to come down where you ought to be
And when we find ourselves in the place just right
‘Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

History of the song “Simple Gifts” is the name of the song and was written in 1848 by Joseph Brackett, a Shaker elder. The Shakers were a religious sect that believed in the imminent return of Jesus Christ. They got their name from the wild and spirited dances they incorporated into their worship services.

“Simple Gifts” is one of these dance songs. It involved a lot of bowing, bending, and turning. It was quite spirited, and there was a whole lot of shakin’ going on (I wonder if Elvis was a Shaker) as it was sung. I prefer the slower, more reflective version that is usually sung today.

The melody first became popular when it was incorporated into Aaron Copland’s, Appalachian Spring in 1944 that I mentioned before. It later made its way into church hymnals, and into secular culture in 1970 when folk singer Judy Collins popularized it in her nationwide concert tour. The idea of being thankful for simple gifts found in relationships really caught on.

“Simple Gifts” was sung at the inauguration of both Presidents Reagan and Clinton, and also at the funeral of President Richard Nixon.

And most famously, the tune was taught by Miss Luck’s to my 7th-grade music class.

Here's my take on the meaning of the song and what it has to say to us in the 21st century: ‘Tis the gift to be simple * Simplicity is a gift. Apple, the iPhone maker, doesn’t necessarily make the best products, but they work very hard to make them the most simple for their customers to use. * Steve Jobs quote: “Simple can be harder than complex: You have to work hard to get your thinking clean to make it simple. But it’s worth it in the end because once you get there, you can move mountains.” * It’s a gift when good communicators make complex ideas simple. Donald Trump’s “Make America Great Again.” JFK’s 1960 inauguration speech, “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you do for your country.” What a gift Kennedy gave America in articulating his vision for America. * Jesus was a master at making profound things simple. We see that in Matthew 22: 36-40
“An expert in religious law, trying to trap Jesus, asked 'which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?'
Jesus replied, ‘You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.'” * It’s a gift to communicate simple, uncomplicated truths like this. Simplicity is indeed a gift. It’s something to be valued. Simplicity in our relationships is something to be protected. We can be thankful for simple gifts found in relationships. * It’s a gift to be simple.

'tis the gift to be free ’tis the gift to come down where you ought to be * It’s a gift to be free to live out Romans 12:3 to, “Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.” * There’s freedom in being who you are, and not something you are not * To “come down” is a good thing. It’s an act of willful humility. * The implication is there is the right place for us, the right lane, a sweet spot for each of us. To discover and live in that sweet spot is a real gift

And when we find ourselves in the place just right ‘Twill be in the valley of love and delight. * Negative connotations to valleys, (Psalm 23, the “valley of darkness.”) * But there’s an upside to valley experiences * Mt. Pilatus in the Swiss Alps outside Lucerne, Switzerland. Magnificent view, clouds over the mountain tops in the distance. But you can’t see much down the mountain top or the valley. Clouds block the view * Better, more majestic view looking up, rather than looking down * There’s protection in the valley, not on the mountain top

When true simplicity is gained To bow and to bend we shan’t be ashamed * When we are living in true simplicity, we can be humble, we can change our mind, and be flexible. We can admit we’re wrong, and we can elevate others, and celebrate this quality as a virtue, and not look at it as a weakness * To defer to others won’t break us, it may bend us a bit, but it won’t break us * What great relationship principles found in this catchy little tune. That we can be thankful for simple gifts found in relationships.

To turn, turn will be our delight ‘Till by turning, turning we come round right. * Turning is what repentance is all about. To turn from one direction to go in another * When we’re willing to change, and repent, we will be the person God intends for us to be * It’s not just a good thing to turn, it’s a delightful thing, it will bring a smile to our souls. And a smile to God’s face.

There you have it, this Shaker tune sums it up for me.

It’s easy to be thankful for the abundance in our lives. That’s not hard at all. What’s more challenging is to be grateful for the gifts found in simplicity, to be grateful in the valley, rather than the mountain top. To appreciate being at the bottom of the pile, rather than the top. To find joy in differing to others, and taking pleasure in being the person God created me to be.

It is so rewarding as we are thankful for simple gifts like these found in our relationships.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode.

Be thankful for the gift of relational simplicity. It shows us how to relate to God, ourselves, and others. It’s a true source of love and delight.

What we can all do in response to today’s program? We can start by asking God to show us things about ourselves we don’t see. To make the invisible to us visible. Ask Jesus to help us see ourselves as he does, and as others do.

Be grateful to God for the simple things in life, ask Him to help us come down to the place we ought to be so we can experience the love and delight He has in mind for us. It’s not our inclination to do this; we need God’s help.

Look for ways we can unashamedly bow and bend to our own desires in our relationships. Look for the simplicity in deferring to others. Ask God to help us find delight in turning from selfish ways of relating to him, to others, and ourselves.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through the simple gifts found in your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Our Relationship Quote of the Week “I am not a genius, I am just curious. I ask many questions. and when the answer is simple, then God is answering.” ~ Albert Einstein

That’s all for today. It’s been great being with you. And no matter where in the world you are, and no matter if you celebrate the US holiday of Thanksgiving or not, do yourself a favor and be grateful for the simple gifts in your life.

Goodbye for now.

Other resources To hear more examples of being thankful for simple gifts found in relationships, click on one of more of these prior eposodes:

005: The Gift of Joy - Part 1

006: The Gift of Joy - Part 2

003: A Gift for the Person Who Has Everything

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills. If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

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Welcome to episode 78, where today we explore an important element of a fulfilling relationship.

If you’re a new listener to this podcast, you will soon realize that we’re all about relationships here. We’re all about finding the joy God intends for us in our relationships because that is what He made us for. Our relationship with people, with the world around us, with ourselves, and most importantly, with God himself.

Each episode is designed to share some nugget of truth we can act on to make our relationships fulfilling and joyful. Fulfilling relationships don't just don't happen on their own, they require effort on our part.

Today, for example, we’ll be looking at one key principle of a healthy and fulfilling relationship each of us can work on to make our relationships the best they can be.

We find this important relationship principle at work in the realm of leadership. Donald Miller Business Made Simple daily video recently talked about

There are leaders who have no vision are successful if they have this one quality
Some leaders who lack creativity can be successful if they have this one quality
Other leaders who are intelligent can be successful if they have this one quality
And even Leaders who lack people skills can be successful if they have this one quality

They have a bias toward action. They get things done.

A link to the 3:05 video will be in the show notes.

Miller talks about this principle as it relates to business, but my experience is that it applies to relationships as well.

And who can define what a “successful” relationship means? I prefer “fulfilling” to successful,

To illustrate this principle, ’ll share several recent listener responses to episode #74 - Relationships During Elections, and episode #75 Getting a Letter Helps People Who Feel Isolated. They show that fulfilling relationships just don’t happen - they require action.

Take Action in Your Relationships During Elections I’m recording this right before the US presidential election, and hopefully by the time this episode airs we’ll know the winner. But in episode 74 what we talked about how fulfilling relationships don't just don't happen when we're in an election season. The actions I suggested in this episode resonated with a listener from South Carolina who wrote to say they were “dead on the money.”

In this episode I said:

"If your guy wins, don’t gloat. Don’t rejoice. It’s not going to be nearly as good as you think. Be kind. Extend grace. Be gentle. Your relationship with the person who backed the loser is more important than any election.

"If your guy loses, it’s not the end of the world. Don’t sulk, whine or otherwise complain. The sun will come up tomorrow. Acknowledge your sadness and fear. But it’s not going to be as bad as you think. Your relationship with the person who backed the winner is more important than any election.

"We’ve had really bad leaders in the past and we’ll survive this one, too should the other guy have won.

"Our Relationship Quote of the Week Also offered up another action we can take to put our relationship to the election in proper perspective.

"From the Bible, Philippians 4:8
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Election season never falls into any of these categories.

Keep politics out of the church Another listener named Judy from Florida responded to my email reminder about the relationships during election season. She described an action she took when she visited a church. Judy said, “…during his sermon the pastor said that Barack Obama was the anti-Christ. I never went back.”

I replied, “Good Choice, Judy.” Sometimes the best action we can take in a relationship is to walk away from it.

Then we have Kim from Wisconsin who responded to the election episode with:
“THANKS JOHN , THIS WAS GREAT. I AGREE WITH YOU. ONE THING THAT WAS IMPORTANT FOR US WHEN WE LOOKED FOR A NEW CHURCH WAS THAT POLITICS WERE MOT PREACHED FROM THE PULPIT. I DO NOT HAVE FACEBOOK AND THE WHOLE POLITICAL TOPIC IS ONE OF THE REASONS I DON’T HAVE AN ACCOUNT. I BELIEVE ULTIMATELY GOD IS IN CONTROL. AND AS I AM CURRENTLY STUDYING EZRA, I AM AGAIN REMINDED THAT GOD CAN USE ANY LEADER FOR HIS GOOD AND HIS GLORY!"

Kim and her husband took a wise action in their relationship with the church. They declared for themselves what was unacceptable, based on their values and understanding of God. And they chose a church home accordingly.

And the final response to episode 74 on our relationships during elections really stings for me personally, because it comes from a guy at our church. I’ll call him Willie to protect his confidentiality. Willie writes:

"As an Independent, I have not usually had an issue with politics until this year. There have been several people at our church that can call Democrats all sorts of names (socialist, queer lovers...) Yes worse...

"When I have responded in a joking manner about Republicans, wow it is like I have insulted God, YHWH.

"I have learned my lesson, but I find it deeply disturbing for the Church (followers of Jesus) I cannot imagine what non-Christians think???"

Ouch! The action Willie took was to use a little humor to difuse the situation. But it was not received well. But at least he tried. Not all wise action leads to positive results, but we should still try anyway. Do the right thing, regardless of the results.

These relationship stories involving churches confirm my suspicion that sometimes we Christians just get bored with Jesus so we fill our lives with junk food for the mind and soul.

For Someone to Receive a Letter Means We Have to Write One Then we come to episode #75, Getting a Letter Helps People Who Feel Isolated. Here we touched upon the research that shows the therapeutic benefit of receiving a letter when we are disconnected from relationships and feeling lonely.

I then read a letter I wrote to my Aunt Lucille who recently turned 100 years old. This was an action I took to maintain my relationship with my aunt because I know fulfilling relationships don't just don't happen on their own.

This episode generated a number of responses from listeners about the value of taking action to write a note or letter to someone.

Randy from Pittsburgh forwarded an article he saw from Inc. Magazine

Flight attendants on a Delta flight who wrote handwritten notes to each passenger thanking them for flying Delta. This was about taking action to enhance business relationships.

Karla from Wisconsin sent an article from the New York Times

It's about a man in NY sitting next to a US mailbox on the street with a manual typewriter offering to write a letter for anyone who came by and then mails it for them. It was an action he took to help other people act to bless someone else.

Finally, Marylin from Minnesota wrote the following email to me

I DID IT! I LISTENED TO YOUR PODCAST FIRST THING THIS MORNING AND THOUGHT OF A FRIEND WHO TURNED 98 YEARS OLD LAST SATURDAY. HANDWRITTEN LETTER IS DONE! THANKS FOR THIS GREAT IDEA!

I HAVE A FRIEND WHO DECIDED TO WRITE 70 LETTERS TO 70 DIFFERENT FRIENDS DURING HER 70TH BIRTH YEAR. THEY WERE ALL HANDWRITTEN. I HAVE TREASURED THAT LETTER.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Fulfilling relationships don’t just happen. To get the most out of them we have to take action, wise action, to make them the best they can be.

Here’s what we can all do in response to today’s program. Ask God to show us what action we need to take to make our relationships fulfilling and satisfying. Is there something we need to do that requires something of us, like writing a handwritten letter or note to someone?

Could there be a there a relationship God wants us to avoid or end, like our relationship with a church that talks more about politics than it does about Jesus?

Is there an action we can take to bless someone, like the guy with the typewriter at the mailbox in New York City, that in turn will cause that someone to bless someone else?

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. Just like the listeners did in today’s show. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to take wise action in your relationships. For when you do so, you will find the joy God intends for you in your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Our Relationship Quote of the Week Successful people do what unsuccessful people don’t do, when they don’t want to do it. ~ source unknown

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show Donald Miller video on successful people share a bias toward action

Episode 74 Relationships During Elections

Episode 75 Getting a Letter Helps People Who Feel Isolated

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 77. Before we begin, I need to let you know of 2 computer glitches affecting the podcast, both of which have been fixed. 1.) Prior episodes were only playing the most current episode. 2) You couldn’t leave a comment in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Thanks to listeners who pointed out these two problems, which have now been corrected!

On to today’s episode. Every now and then, many of us in our more reflective moods will wonder if how we are living really makes a difference. Are we impacting the world in any meaningful way?

To answer this question, I’m here today to tell you that it’s easier than you think to impact the world. I will give you several examples in today’s show, using listener feedback to 2 recent episodes of You Were Made for This. So please listen in.

We’ll start with several listener responses to episodes 71 and 72. Both were about how to help a grieving friend. I shared the story of my friend Martin whose wife died unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm, and what I learned about caring for a friend suffering such a deep and profound loss.

Responses to episodes 71 and 72 Dear John, Listening to your podcast and reflecting on my own experience trying to help those who are grieving, I have seen where stepping out of our own comfort zone is often used by God to comfort others. It’s not easy, and it is a mystery how God uses our puny attempts for His purposes. Thanks for helping us think and ponder on these relationship issues. ~ A grateful listener

This listener is impacting the world by doing something that doesn’t come naturally to her, for the sake of other people. She’s making a difference in the world by aligning her purposes with God’s purposes. And what can be more impactful than that?

You can tell she is speaking from experience, and I wonder if she appreciates what a contribution she is making. I’ll read it one more time.

From a listener in New York From Donna, a listener in New York, who was a friend to Martin and his wife from years ago:
Hello, John, Today, I had some free time, and decided to catch up on your last three podcasts. I was shocked and heartbroken as I heard you recount the sudden death of Suzanne Karrer. I remember her and Martin well…

Your story of Martin’s grief and Serena’s letter really touched me. I had been thinking of them recently and wondered where they were and what they were doing. I didn’t know they had left China, and only remembered Serena as a little pre-schooler.

Do you think that Martin would mind if you shared his address with me? I would like to send him a card. He may not remember us, but I would still like to reach out to him.

I did give her Martin’s contact information and I know he appreciated hearing from Donna. She impacted the world by moving past her own grief and shock to let Martin know she cared and felt his loss. What a tender heart Donna displayed. The world needs more tenderness and Donna sprinkled a little of it on top of Martin’s grief and sorrow. What a great and sweet way to make a difference in the world: sprinkling a little tenderness around.

From a listener who lost his mother From Chris: The story of Martin’s loss of his wife Suzanne came on the heels of a major loss in his own life. He writes:

My own mother died eight days ago at the age of 89. She lived a good life, was a very good mother and a very good friend. And she was a great listener. She made each of her six children feel like they were her favorite. She was at peace until the last few days of difficult decline. I didn’t start grieving until 5 days later, at the funeral, when I walked in and saw her body for the first time in her casket.

I really appreciated the lessons today John! So I will arm myself with a few new things learned and perhaps it is time to make sure I can be there for dad as his time of grief and loneliness, which will likely endure significantly.

Chris is impacting the world by being there for his dad in his grief, even as Chris himself grieves. It’s an act of selflessness like this that makes the world a better place.

From a listener who lost her husband From Gina. She lost her husband in a tragic death a number of years ago. Here is how she responded to episodes Episodes 71 and 72:

Hi John, Really enjoyed this. Grieving is so complex… One thing I know for sure, LOVE is eternal. Suzanne and Martin’s love will never die and God has an amazing way of keeping us connected with our beloved. Martin and his daughter are in a very sacred space right now....somehow straddling two universes....

And with time and a little perspective, there can be joy in suffering. A very strange, upside down way of looking at grief....this life is truly a blip in the span of eternity.

It took me a long time to get to this place and I didn’t think I’d survive the pain of grieving....but God is good, God rescues. He rescued me.

Prayers for all of you. My deepest sympathies. Suzanne’s smile is breathtaking.

A widow impacts the world for good Gina is impacting the world for good by sharing what she learned about God through her own grief. She is giving hope to Martin and people like him by painting a picture of what life will someday be like for him. Let me read her tender words again.

I shared Gina’s response with Martin and he wrote back to me,

“So true what she says about pain, “I never thought I would survive the pain of grieving.”

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. To Impact the world is easier than you think when you reach out to connect with others in the midst of their struggles, even when you are struggling with the same things yourself.

Here’s what we can all do in response to today’s program. We can follow the example of “Grateful Listener” and step out of our comfort zone, knowing that’s what God often uses to comfort others. That will impact the world.

We can be like Donna who opened her heart to the pain of another person, and respond in tenderness by connecting with them. That will impact the world.

We can be like Chris, and even in the midst of our own grief, seek to enter into the grief of another to care for them, even when we need care ourselves. That will certainly impact the world for good.

And you can try this Lastly, we can be like Gina, who shared from the depth of her heart to give people hope from God in the midst of their unspeakable sorrow. Unspeakable sorrow she herself experienced. Giving people this kind of hope certainly impacts the world for good.

Finally, listen again to episodes 71 and 72, or listen to them for the first time if you’re a new listener to the podcast.

As always, you could let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act in similar ways to the four listeners described in today’s episode. In doing so, you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Our Relationship Quote of the Week “Be the person who breaks the cycle. If you were judged, choose understanding. If you were rejected, choose acceptance. And if you were shamed, choose compassion. Be the person you needed when you were hurting, not the person who hurt you. Vow to be better than what broke you— to heal instead of becoming bitter so you can act from your heart, not your pain.” ~ Lori Deschene

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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We can participate in All Saints Day by remembering the wise people who’ve gone before you. Follow their example and become a role model for others.

Hello everyone and welcome to today’s episode, number 76. It’s our annual All Saints Day episode, which we’re starting for the first time here at our studios at One Podcast Plaza in New Berlin, Wisconsin.

Each year All Saints Day falls on November 1st where Christians around the world remember and honor those who have passed on to the next life. (We’re a few days past November 1st, but we can still participate in it.)

In the Roman Catholic tradition, in which I grew up, All Saints Day is a Holy Day that honors the canonized saints of the church by going to mass.

I’m not Catholic anymore, but I found that other Christian traditions have embraced this custom of honoring Godly people who have gone before us. However, the “saints” I’m talking about are not the people with celebrity status you find with Roman Catholic saints.

Whose a saint on All Saints Day? The word "saint" is derived from a Greek verb (hagiazo [aJgiavzw]) whose basic meaning is "to set apart,” " "sanctify, " or "make holy.” Various forms of this term appear throughout the New Testament and simply refers to followers of Christ.

It had been decades since I even thought of All Saints Day, until one Sunday a few years ago when Janet and I and a few friends attended a Moravian Church service in northern Wisconsin. It happened to be on the Sunday closest to November 1st. We saw this congregation participate in All Saints Day.

Really small congregation, less than 50 people
Played ’90’s music……1890’s. Choir - hymnals
Pastor Dawn reminded the congregation it was All Saints Day and asked the congregation for the names of those from their congregation who had died in the past year.
People in the congregation talked briefly about each person, so did Pastor Dawn. They mentioned what they appreciated and admired about the deceased. I think all churches would be wise to do the same thing once a year. It brings people together around their shared roots. It creates community. It’s a lovely custom.
It was a delightful experience and got me thinking about the people in my life worth remembering for the example they set, or for the impact they had on my life.

I wonder the same for you, too. Who are the people you know who have died and who made a positive impact on you? Who, while they were still alive, made a difference in your life?

Here's an example I’ll give you an example of a married couple who did that for me. It’s a brief story about my friends Bill and Dorothy Narwold. They died over 20 years ago. Here’s what I remember about them:

They were our parents' age and were just delightful people
They ran their home as a rooming house. Their boarders slept in rooms on the 2nd floor, while Bill and Dorothy had their bedroom in the basement.
Bill had a wide breadth of interest, e.g., genealogy
Invested in their children and grandchildren. Instilled values in them.
People loved being around them, especially Janet and me.
We learned how to live life by watching how they lived theirs.

Above all, they loved Jesus.

Several stories about them come to mind that reveal much about their character 1. When Bill got laid off from the largest bank in town, he followed my advice in looking for a new job.

When one of her kids was in middle school we had a significant problem with one of them and were beside ourselves with what to do. We got all kinds of advice from the school and friends, all of which made perfect sense, but none of which seemed right in our heart for our child. We went to Bill and Dorothy, these wise people so much older than we were.

Their advice, “You know your child much better than anyone else.” Trust your instincts and do what you think best, regardless of the advice others are giving you. So that’s what we did, and it turned out to be the best for our family, even though it was the opposite of what everyone else advised.

Third story. It was about their wonderful sense of humor
Vacation with them at a cabin in northern Wisconson
Canoe key missing
Bill grousing about the grandkids being so irresponsible as to lose
the key
Several weeks later after returning home, I was sitting next to Dorothy in church. She leaned over and whispered to me, “I have something for you.” Then quietly pulls out of her purse, the missing canoe key, and then whispers again. “I found this in Bill’s jacket
pocket. He had it all along, not any of the grandkids. I trust you will do something with it.
I had a plaque made. Then we organized a get-together and ceremony to give it to him with everyone around. The whole room burst into laughter, but Bill was the one who laughed the loudest at his misdeed.

The last story is something I wrote about in my book, THEM.

It’s a few paragraphs at the beginning of chapter 3. It's about the night he thanked me for the impact I had on his family, specifically his children.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Participate in All Saints Day like this: Remember people now with Jesus who impacted you in a positive way. And then try to live as they did, so that someday others will remember you with the same degree of fondness and appreciation.

What we can all do in response to today’s program? While it’s good advice to always have a doctor younger than you. It’s even better advice to always have a friend a generation or two older than yourself.

All Saints Day is a reminder that one day it will be our turn to be talked about, to be remembered. And wouldn’t it be wonderful to be remembered like they do at the Moravian Church I mentioned? Where people get up and say a few kind words about what they recalled about you and the positive impact you had on their lives.

For us to participate in All Saints Day we need to prepare now to be the kind of person people will remember fondly after we’re gone. We need to become the role model for others that we wished we would have had ourselves.

This doesn’t happen by accident. And we can’t do it on our own strength. We need the power that only Jesus provides so we can live a life that impacts others for good. Asking God for that power is an important way we can respond to today’s episode.

As always, another thing you can do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. I’d like to know the saints in your life who have helped make you the person you are today.

You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

You might also want to check out episode 004, "The Gift of Even Though." It’s about another saint that’s deserving of honor on All Saints Day.

Also, two past blog posts relate to today's topic: "How to Age Well," and "People to Remember."

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to consider how you should live in such a way, that after you’ve left this earth, people will remember you on All Saints Day. For in doing so, you’re bound to find the joy God intends for you in your relationships. After all, You Were Made for This.

Our Relationship Quote of the Week Nine-tenths of wisdom is appreciation. Go find somebody’s hand and squeeze it, while there is still time. ~ Dale Dauten

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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Getting a letter helps people who are feeling isolated & lonely. Composing and mailing our thoughts to someone connects us with them. That's the topic of today's episode.

Hello everyone and welcome to today’s episode where today we consider a simple thing we can do to nurture our relationship with people.

Some of us are doing better than others in coping with the pandemic we’re living through here in 2020. For those of us who are, and who want to help those of us who are not, you may find today’s episode helpful.

I recently came across an idea you might want to consider if you have people in your life struggling with the isolation we are experiencing during these difficult days. Listen in as we consider an old-school strategy that research has shown to be effective in caring for the emotional health of people close to us.

It’s an idea that comes out of a newspaper article by Jamie Friedlander in the Washington Post on September 15, 2020. entitled, “Who Needs Another Zoom Call? Why Sending Letters Might Help Your Loved Ones."It shows how getting a letter helps people who are feeling lonely and isolated. I’ll read a few excerpts from the article:

Supporting friends and family who are going through a hard time used to involve meaningful chats at the local coffee shop, venting over a glass of wine on the couch or warm embraces followed by words of encouragement. Now, because of the coronavirus pandemic, those traditions are on hold.

But we can take another approach: sending handwritten letters. The old-fashioned gesture could be particularly beneficial now: The pandemic is adversely affecting Americans’ mental health, and research suggests that being contacted by letter can lower the risk of suicide. Besides, after months of remote work and virtual communication, many people might welcome a tangible alternative to yet another Zoom call. Feel awkward writing a nondigital missive? No worries, we have you covered.

If you know someone who is troubled, that person is not alone. According to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, there has been a stark increase in emotional distress among Americans since the pandemic began. In June, nearly 31 percent of U.S. adults reported symptoms of anxiety or depression, while almost 11 percent said that they had seriously considered suicide. The prevalence of anxiety symptoms alone was about triple that of the same time period in 2019.

One contributing factor to the national mental health struggle during the pandemic has been the ongoing social isolation plaguing millions of Americans. It’s the greatest concern of Amanda Spray, a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at New York University’s Grossman School of Medicine. “Social isolation is a symptom of depression,” she says, “and it leads to worsening of depression.” But getting a letter helps people.

“[Letters] help provide social support, even if you can’t be there with your friend or family member, holding their hand and being by their side,” says Spray.

Research indicates that such support can have a significant impact on recipients’ mental health. The medium is as important as the message. People consider letters meaningful, because so much effort goes into sending them. It takes time to find the right stationery, think about what to write, buy postage stamps, look up the person’s address and find a postbox. “It requires a kind of deliberation that is so lacking in our time of fast-paced messaging and media,” Lee says. “When you receive a handwritten letter, you reflexively start imagining the author sitting down and reflecting, thinking about you. . . . That’s why it’s so very effective at showing someone does care about you.”

To support a lonely or isolated friend with a handwritten letter, keep these tips in mind: ###### Don’t worry about finding the perfect thing to say.

The hardest thing about having cancer was not losing my hair or those other things you hear about,” she says. “It was the loneliness I felt when friends and family didn’t know what to say and ended up disappearing as a result.”
Lee emphasizes the importance of being as sincere and personal as possible, instead of focusing on writing the perfect message. “Sometimes, we get so distracted trying to find the right things to say, we don’t even realize that we sacrifice being absolutely genuine,” she says.

###### Picture the recipient before you begin writing.

Instead of thinking about yourself and what to say, envision the other person. What do you like about them? Why are you grateful to have them in your life? Have you ever learned anything meaningful from them?

###### Focus on the future.

If possible, share your hopes for something you wish to do or experience with the other person once the pandemic has ended. “That lens in the letter helps that person — and yourself — be a little bit more future-oriented,” Lee says. “It exudes some hope.”

###### Remember the elderly.

Not only are older family members less likely to be tech-savvy enough for a video chat, but they’re also more prone to loneliness, Lee says. “I think they’re especially vulnerable throughout this pandemic for so many reasons,” Lee says. “Letters could really impact their sense of loneliness and social connection in a powerful way.”

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our show in a sentence: One effective way to care for someone feeling isolated and alone during our pandemic is to write them a letter.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show. Since getting a letter helps people, write one to someone. I wrote one to my Aunt Lucille who recently turned 100 years old. Here’s what I wrote:

October 21, 2020

Dear Aunt Lucille,

I enjoyed talking to you a few weeks ago on your 100th birthday. After we talked, I started thinking about the many things you have experienced since your first birthday on October 5, 1920.

You lived through the Roaring ’20s and Prohibition. You were only 9 years old when The Great Depression started in 1929. I wonder what that was like for you, living during those difficult days.

And then there were the wars our country has been involved with since 1920. The bombing of Pearl Harbor that started WWII. You were 21years old then. Then the Korean War, Vietnam, and the wars in the Mideast since September 11, 2001.

From Woodrow Wilson, who was in office when you were born, to Donald Trump today, you have lived through 17 different presidents. I find that amazing! Who knows, maybe there will be an 18th new president in a few weeks.

You lived through so many cultural changes in your 100 years. And so many inventions, too. But in spite of all the changes you’ve seen in your lifetime, there are a few things that have been constant in your life.

For example, one thing you’ve touched on when we’ve talked in the past, or letters you have written to me, has been your faith in God. I have so appreciated your reference to praying to God. That is one constant that puts all your other experiences in life in proper perspective.

Another constant you’ve shared with me is your love for your family. You have written and spoken fondly of your children, Diane, Jean, Duane, Jack, and David, and you’ve given me updates of what is going on in their lives. It gives me a sense of being connected with my roots as I learn about my cousins. I wish I would have asked you more about Uncle Ray, though, your husband.

I distinctly remember visiting you as a young boy before I was a teenager. You were very kind and gracious to my parents and 4 siblings during our visit. I also remember our family visiting you the summer after I graduated from high school and before I started college. That was a fun time. I also remember you, Aunt Virginia, and Aunt Rodell visiting my parents back in the ‘70s or ‘80s. I think Jean may have driven you from Wadena to Milwaukee. What a kind thing for all of you to do to visit your youngest sister, my mother.

The visit I remember most distinctly happened maybe 10-15 years ago when Janet and I drove up to Wadena to spend a few days with you and Aunt Virginia. You were so gracious and hospitable to Janet and me. You made us feel right at home.

I wanted to learn more about my family history and you were so patient in answering my questions and going through all the many photographs you had of family members, both living and deceased. It made me feel connected.

During our visit, I also greatly appreciated driving past the farmhouse in Staples where you and my mother were raised. I have fond memories of visiting there when I was a kid. I never could have found that place without you giving directions from the back seat of our car.

Finally, I just want to tell you what a wonderful aunt you have been to me. And for whatever years the Lord has left for you on this earth, may he continue to richly

bless you. And may you look forward to many more years, even richer, and more joyous years, when you meet Jesus in heaven.

Love,

Your nephew, John

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act, knowing that getting letters helps people. May you find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Our Relationship Quote of the Week When an old person dies, a library burns to the ground. ~ African proverb

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

If you missed last week's episode #74 on keeping our relationships healthy during the election season, click here to listen in.

Who Needs Another Zoom Call? Why Sending Letters Might Help Your Loved Ones - The Washington Post, by Jamie Friedlander, September 15, 2020

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Hello everyone and welcome to today’s episode where today we talk about relationships during elections, and how we can better care for each other during them. We’re doing so at the suggestion of a listener from Pennsylvania.

There’s something about elections that stirs up emotion in people. And it’s not just in Pennsylvania. It’s the rest of the world, too.

A recent election in Kyrgyzstan, for example, prompted a large page-1 photo in the Wall Street Journal. Its caption: “Vote Dispute Plunges Kyrgyzstan into Chaos.”

Expressions of political preferences polarize people. They harm relationships. They divide people more than they bring us together. A recent Facebook post describes it well:

“I think my church friends have forgotten about Jesus! It seems to be all about politics. I liked my church friends better when I didn't know where they stood politically.”

And in the same thread, someone else wrote….

“I think it is good for us in the church to talk about politics. What I lament is that people take disagreement too personally and don’t know how to have a civil conversation about politics, or they see the goal of political conversation as being to win a debate rather than have a discussion to grow in understanding and think deeply in ways we haven’t before. “

I disagree with the first sentence, but I'm all for what's described after it.

How can we nurture our relationships during elections? What's behind all the discord?

Fear and distrust are the 2 prime emotions on display during this election season.

Political discussions and elections are about preferences.

To discuss the election it’s important to ask yourself if you have built up enough “relational capital” with someone that it can weather political differences?

Political agreement never deepens a relationship. There are too many other variables that do. Focus on those instead. And don’t assume if people are silent that they agree with your political views.

The closer and deeper the relationship, the less threatening election discussions are. The more distant the relationship, the greater the possibility of damaging that relationship.

You don’t have to share every political opinion you have with people. I think it’s better not to tip your hand, to keep people guessing. It’s less risky that way.

The relationship is more important than determining who is right or wrong in a political debate.

Ask ourselves, will discussing the election hinder or enhance our relationship with the other person?

Listen well. Ask people how they came to believe in their political position. Recognize the possibility you may be wrong on an issue

Don’t be intense, one way or the other. Intensity of feelings rarely wins you any friends.

Stay off social media and cable news. They re-traumatize people

Avoid posting political preferences on Facebook, if you care about your relationships. Don’t tip your hand. Keep people guessing.

Empathize with others, realize their fear, and don’t contribute to it. Focus on common ground and what you agree on.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our relationships are more important than elections, which come and go. But relationships, when nurtured well, can last the rest of our life.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show. If your guy wins, don’t gloat. Don’t rejoice. It’s not going to be nearly as good as you think. Be kind. Extend grace. Be gentle. Your relationship with the person who backed the loser is more important than any election.

If your guy loses, it’s not the end of the world. Don’t sulk, whine, or otherwise complain. The sun will come up tomorrow. Acknowledge your sadness and fear. But it’s not going to be as bad as you think. Your relationship with the person who backed the winner is more important than any election.

We’ve had really bad leaders in the past and we’ll survive this one, too should the other guy have won.

And above all, remember God is in control of who our leaders are. Romans 13:1 tells us that people in positions of authority have been placed there by God.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week From the Bible, Philippians 4:8
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Election season never falls into any of these categories.

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary Care ministry.

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Curiosity about others minimizes racism as we minimize our pride. Humility seeks to understand difficulties others experience that we haven’t.

Hello everyone and welcome to today’s show where today we consider several interesting responses from our listeners to a recent episode.

The first is an email in reaction to episode 70, Building Relationships Eases Racial Tension. It’s from Thomas, a listener from West Africa:

Listener response no. 1 Dear John,

Greetings from [a West African country].

Thank you for interviewing Kevin about his perception of and suggested solutions to racial matters in the US. I am touched by his proposed solution, particularly, about the role Christians could play.

When I come to the US and worship with Americans I am struck at the racial components of most churches. If it is white, it is white; if it is black, it is black. I see very little effort Christian leaders and Christians in America toward the blending of the color of worshippers and ministers in many American congregations...

I wonder whether American Christians take a cue from the racial composition of the early church or read Apostle Paul's tireless emphasis on racial harmony among Christians.

Is America really a Christian nation? Americans are known all over the world as the trailblazers of Christianity. In fact, some people falsely perceive America as a Christian nation judging from the number of missionaries who come from America to evangelize non-Christians, the number of Christian radio/television stations, the numbers of Christian literature published in America by American Christians, and the number of great Christian leaders and evangelists they listen to.

When non-Americans see the extent of racial tension and its resultant hatred, they pause to ask the efforts of American Christians to either ease or eradicate the extent of the tension. I think it is high time American Christians listen to the suggestions of Kevin about the role they could play as followers of Jesus.

We, the non-American Christians, are praying to see the end of racial tension in America because it leaves a bitter taste in our mouths and impedes our evangelist efforts in our countries. Unbelievers draw out attention to what is happening in America and ask if that is the kind of Christianity we want them to become members of. American Christians must, therefore, take pragmatic actions based on love and relationship to end racism.

Thomas

My reaction to Thomas’ email Several things come to mind. First, when there’s conflict, people not involved are watching. They are impacted by the conflict they see, even though they are not part of it.

Secondly, The church in America makes it harder for some missionaries is a sobering observation by Thomas.

Finally, I wonder what other non-American Christians, besides those in West Africa, think about this issue. De we have enough curiosity about others to think about the impact we have on people across the globe?

A second response to episode 70. It comes from Randy, living in Pittsburgh. He writes

“Last week’s podcast was thought-provoking. I’ve listened to it a couple of times. I wonder how the conversation/interview would have been different if the person you interviewed would have been black. I wonder what suggestions they might have in response to your questions, which as always, were thought-provoking?”

And then later … “My wife and I talked about how it applies to your podcasts and book...wondering what it is like to be “THEM.”

Randy’s point is a fundamental listening principle: to ask ourselves when engaged in a relationship with someone, what must it be like to be them?

I wonder if our curiosity about other people would help to ease racial tension.

Could being more curious about another race and how they experience life minimize the racial divide in our country? Episode 62 and episode 63, are both about our lack of curiosity about people and what we suffer because of it.

I also wonder if pride fits into a discussion of racism? I’ve mentioned before Dennis P. Morgan’s book, Fighting for Peace - Combating Conflict with Character. The book can be summarized in one sentence: At the root of all conflict is an abundance of pride and a lack of humility.

The obvious point about the role of pride in racism is the notion that I think I’m better than you. That you are deficient in comparison to me.

A less obvious manifestation of pride is the idea that I don’t need to get to know you, because you are different from me, and only people like me are worth my time in building a relationship. I don't need to be curious about other people.

I’m most comfortable with people whose life experiences are similar to mine. I’m not interested in learning how you experience life, because I believe how I do things is the right way. That’s pride certainly, which is fertile soil for racism to grow.

So what’s a solution to all this? Humble ourself. Recognize the way we live and what we believe may not be the best way.

Ask God to make us more curious about other people.

Question our assumptions about people, and why they are the way they are, and why they do the things they do.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Become more curious. More curious to question our assumptions and values. More curious to learn about the difficulties other people experience that we have not. Curiosity often leads to compassion.

What can do we do in response to today’s show? Ask God to expose areas of pride in our life. Ask God to help us question our assumptions about people. Call upon Him to help us be more curious about others. Ask him to show us better ways of relating to people, regardless of how different they may appear to be from us. Our lives are enriched when we're curious about other people. It helps us experience the life-giving relationships we were made for.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. Just like Thomas and Randy did in today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Our relationship quote of the week Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Romans 12:2

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

Fighting for Peace: Combating Conflict with Character

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Death teaches us how to live when we join someone in going through their grief. What I learned from a grieving friend can benefit all of us.

Welcome to today’s episode, no. 72, where today we consider what we can learn from a grieving friend.

In last week’s episode, number 71, How to Help a Grieving Friend, I talked about the shocking news Janet and I received from our missionary friend, Martin, concerning the sudden and unexpected death of his wife, and our friend, Suzanne. I talked about ways we can help a grieving friend, even as we ourselves grieve.

For today, I want us to reflect upon what we learn in walking together with a friend through his or her grief. There is much we can benefit from if we pay attention. For me, I find it starts with a rather haunting verse about death found in the Old Testament. A really unusual verse. Listen in as I explain.

In fact, this scripture passage will be our relationship quote of the week with which we normally end each episode. But today we’ll put it in the beginning. It speaks to our relationship with death, for it shows us how a Godly persective on death teaches us how to live.

Scripture passage Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties. After all, everyone dies - so the living should take this to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us. A wise person thinks a lot about death, while a fool thinks only about having a good time. ~ Ecclesiastes 7:2-4 (NLT)

In reflecting upon my experience being with Martin as he grieves the loss of his wife, I learned 4 things I want to share that shows ways how death teaches us how to live.

Four things I learned from my grieving friend ###### 1. Being with a grieving friend is like being on a missions trip.

Visiting another culture is often jarring to us because it is so unfamiliar.
Death is unfamiliar territory to most of us. We don’t encounter it every day.
We don’t know the language…. “I have no words.” Mel Lawrenz’s book, A Chronicle of Grief, talks about this phrase.
Feel unskilled. On a missions trip, we were “experts” in navigating the culture we came from, in this new culture, this culture of grief, we are novices, especially in the area of relationships.
Returning on missions trip is harder than going in the first place. So it is when we face the aftermath of death. After the funeral and when others have moved on with their life, but we haven’t.

###### 2. Grief exposes our inadequacies

Death is a problem we cannot fix
Listening is more important than talking, but we feel so inadequate in doing so
A friend from church who said, “She’s in a better place.” YIKES!
Our presence is more important than our words
It’s harder for those left behind than for those going on ahead
People grieving may need our relationship with them more later than right away

###### 3. God uses different people in different ways to care for a grieving person

Meal train set up
Friends Krista and Bob taking Serena in for 3-4 days of the week
A friend who set up a “GoFundMe” campaign, then wrote a personal check for the funeral home
Grief support group. The quote Martin found helpful, “Grief, stewarded well, invites hope.”

###### 4. How we have lived will impact people after we die

Organ donation
Her character and the impact she left on people
The tributes written on her memorial page
In Suzanne’s death we see a picture of the character of God in how she lived
That smile of Suzanne’s
How Suzanne used her death teaches us how to live.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our show in a sentence: Joining a friend in their grief teaches us valuable lessons about life.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show: As Ecclesiastes 7:4 advises, be a wise person and “think a lot about death.” For when we do, death teaches us how to live. Think about what we value, knowing someday we will die. Think about what we want people to remember about us, knowing someday we will die. Think about how we should live now, knowing someday we will die. And think about our relationship with God, and his Son Jesus, knowing someday we will die.

And then ask God to show us what we need to change in our life before it’s too late.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I’d love to hear from you.

Closing

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to reflect upon your own mortality. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships before it’s too late. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Now our relationship quote of the week “Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties. After all, everyone dies - so the living should take this to heart. 3Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us. 4A wise person thinks a lot about death, while a fool thinks only about having a good time.” ~ Ecclesiastes 7:2-4 (NLT)

Two last things

Here's the link to the memorial page for Susanne. Click here to read the beautiful tributes to Suzanne.

Also, as I mentioned in last week's episode, this podcast and our blog posts are sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry? We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills. If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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To help a grieving friend starts with being present and joining God in comforting those going through difficult times. Hello everyone and welcome to episode no. 71, where today we discuss how to help a grieving friend.

Before we get into that, I have some listener feedback to share with you from episode 69, When our Kids Go Off to School for the First Time.

Hey John, I have enjoyed the past two weeks and happy for your new season. This is a bright spot in the middle of the pandemic. I am wondering if I will ever get out of England. ~ Dorcas

Great podcast John! I love your action step of writing a notecard to parents who are sending their kids to school for the first time. Well done! ~ Teri

On to today’s episode. We’ve all been there. A friend loses someone important to them through death. We care, but we don’t know what to do. Today’s episode is about what happened to me recently when a friend died, and what I did to help a grieving friend.

Hopefully it will give you some ideas for what you can do when you find yourself in the same situation. Because sooner or later, you will.

Our Friends, Martin and Suzanne We met them at a missions conference a number of years ago. Martin was from Germany, Suzanne from Chicago. They met in China were they served as missionaries for 11 years.

When my book, THEM, came out in 2016, they heard about it and invited Janet and me to come down to their home in Chicago to talk about it. Janet couldn’t make it. So I just went. Suzanne shared similarities in her background and mine. Both of us born to unwed mothers, both of us found Jesus in College through Campus Crusade. My time with her and Martin was just delightful.

They would come up to Milwaukee for our GermanFest. Martin would translate the beer-drinking songs into English for us.

We last saw them about a year ago when they came to our home. And they invited us to come down to Chicago to do some fun things there. As they were leaving we didn’t know it was to be the last time we would ever see Suzanne.

Martin gave me permission to share his story in this podcast, trusting that it may help someone. I’ll start by sharing the sequence and Martin’s texts.

Saturday, August 8, 2020, 4:23pm.
Suzanne, the love of my life, heart and soul of our small family just went to be with Jesus. The machines keep her body going so she can donate some of her organs. Likely Monday evening! Thank you for everything!

The new shocked Janet and me. What do I do to help a grieving friend?

5 minutes later I texted back:
Oh no, Martin! I didn’t know she was ill! How terrible. I will pray for you, Serena, and her mom. I will call you at some point in the near future after you have notified everyone. Hang in there brother.

A minute later Martin replied:
A sudden brain aneurysm on Thursday. So that was Saturday.

Monday August 10th, 5:24am Martin’s text:
Good morning, Serena and I together with a friend from church will return to the hospital at 7:30 am as Suzanne will go to the OR at 8 am. Serena wrote a statement which will then be read by a staff member. Please remember us during this moment. Thank you,
Martin

Apparently Suzanne was declared brain dead early that Saturday. And they were keeping her alive until Monday to harvest her organs she was donating.

Later that Monday afternoon Martin sent me the viewing and funeral information to take place the coming Friday and Saturday. We couldn’t go - out of town company that weekend.

The next communication from Martin was 2 days later on Wednesday August 12th. It was a text with a photo of a blackboard Suzanne kept on the wall in their kitchen. She periodically wrote scripture verses to encourage her daughter Serena and Martin. The last one she ever wrote was from Isaiah 41:10.

Martin included a link to a Gofundme campaign that 5 people from his church took on to pay for the funeral, cemetery expenses, and something to replace Suzanne’s lost income to help pay for Serena’s college expenses next year.

He also shared the text of his daughter Serena’s donor letter to the medical staff and the recipients of her mother’s organs, her heart, lungs, liver and kidneys.

Imagine this 17-year-old girl who just lost her mother, writing the following to 4 unknown people who would be caring parts of her mother’s body in their bodies for rest of their lives.

Serena's donor statement Dear Medical Staff & Recipients,

When I think of Mom, I think of giving. There would never be a time where she would go empty-handed anywhere. It would be what can we bring or what would make them smile. Giving to others was what she was born to do ever since she was little. She gave to others all over the world not only with gifts but her precious love and time. It was always her wish to become a mom and give everything she had to that little human.

After a couple years of praying and hoping she had me. She told everyone I was a gift from God and her little miracle baby. She gave me the most wonderful life that anyone could imagine having. When things weren’t perfect, she made it perfect when things weren’t ok, she somehow made them ok. Since she gifted me this life I am gifting you all parts of her. She will carry on and live on in the lives of others. Even when she’s no longer with us she’s giving and will forever be.

So with that, be gentle and accept these gifts that she is giving because she is smiling with joy. May she forever be known as the most loving and giving person out there. Be gentle with these parts of her because these will be the best gifts she’s ever given.
With lots of love, her daughter Serena.

Then on Friday, the public viewing was held, followed by the funeral on Saturday. Only 50 people were allowed in, all masked. It was live-streamed. I watched and saved the link and emailed it to a mutual friend in Germany who was very close to Suzanne.

A week later I texted Martin and asked if he’d like to talk. He couldn’t at the time, but we set a time to chat a few days later, on August 24th in the evening.

We talked, or I should say, he talked for about an hour.

“I can’t believe this has happened.

“I don’t know if we have any money. Suzanne took care of all the finances here in America. I did the same thing when we lived in Germany. I don’t know how things work here. Do we even have any money? I don’t know.

“The only reason we moved to Chicago was to care for Suzanne’s mother. We spent several years in Germany caring for my father before he died, and now it was going to be Suzanne’s turn to care for her mother. How am I going to do this?

“Why would God allow this to happen?”

Martin later in the evening texted me with “Thank you for reaching out. Still remember our visit with you!!!”

About a week later Martin texted me on September 3rd, late in the evening:

"John I would like to come up to New Berlin someday and talk to you if you are available. I just don't know whether I have someone to stay with Jo for a couple of hours. Unless you would be able to come to Chicago and we could talk here at our place. Just wondered. Thinking about my life story and generational issues."

I went to bed with this on my mind. The next morning I woke up and told Janet about Martin’s text. I said, “I think I need to go down there. It would so much easier for Martin.”

Without hesitating, Janet agreed. So I texted Martin and we arranged a time for me to drive the 85 miles down to Chicago to meet and talk.

I didn’t know what I would do, or what I would say, except to just be there with him and listen, and then take it from there. No plan, except to listen.

So my answer to the question and title of today’s episode of how to help a grieving friend is this:

Just show up, be present, and listen.

In next week’s episode I tell you what happened, and what I learned from my grieving friend that could help you the next time one of your friends goes through grief.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. God is at work in the lives of our friends, and there are times, especially the difficult times, when we have the privilege of being used by God to be part of that work. It pleases and honors him when we accept the invitation to be part of the story he is writing. It starts by just showing up and listening.

What you can do in response to today’s show? When someone you know is going through loss, be part of God’s story of working in their life. Be open to the possibility that God may want you to join in the journey of grief your friend is going through. Ask God what role he wants you to play. He may not want your significant involvement, but he would at least like you to ask him.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode.

By the way, did you know this podcast and our blog posts are sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry? It is through this organization that we first met Martin and Suzanne.

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week In my book THEM I wrote about our daughter’s friend Kellie, who lost her child within hours of birth. One year after this tragic loss she posted this quote on Facebook by Ralph Fletcher from his book Fig Pudding,

“When someone you love dies, you get a big bowl of sadness put down in front of you, steaming hot. You can start eating now, or you can let it cool and eat it bit by bit later on. Either way, you end up eating the whole thing. There's really no way around it.”

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Building relationships eases racial tension. A solution to racism is to be more like Jesus and build relationships with people not like us. That's what today's episode is all about.

I sometimes wish we could speed up the calendar this year, turn a few more pages at a time to bring 2020 to a close. With all the turmoil over Covid-19, the presidential election, and heightened racial tension in the US, I would just like to wipe the slate clean and start over again. How about you? Are you with me on this?

During this time we’ve gotten so many conflicting answers as to how to solve these problems, that you don’t know who to believe anymore. Well in today’s episode I interview someone who actually has a solution of where to start in solving the racial tension here in America. Our special guest on today's show is Kevin McNulty, a management consultant, trainer, and coach with unique expertise in the area of race relations. He spent 20 years in the US Air Force, working primarily in human relations education and implementing race relations policies for the military.

Kevin later took that experience and formed a management consulting practice in 2000 to help organizations increase their effectiveness through improved human and workplace dynamics.

I spoke with Kevin shortly after the George Floyd Minneapolis incident in May, 2020. Listen in to our conversation, where at this point Kevin is talking about the important role of relationships in dealing with race relations. He gives examples of how building relationships eases racial tension.

[Interview recording] If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode.

To ease racial tensions it’s important we model ourselves after Jesus and build relationships with people of a race different from ours. This requires a lot more of us then protesting. Protests draws attention to the problem. Building relationships helps solve the problem.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show. I really like Kevin’s idea of churches coming together from different racial backgrounds. Doing things together every now and then. Like a joint Thanksgiving service in November, and maybe a Juneteenth service in June. Even just twice a year. I wonder if that would fly. It would be worth a try.

I know that would please God and put a smile on his face.

You could also check out episode 43, “Thankful for people different from me.” You’ll find some interesting replies from listeners to this episode.

If you’d like to know more about Kevin McNulty and the work he does you can go to these links:

https://humadyn.com/

https://www.kevinmcnultyspeaks.com/

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

By the way, did you know this podcast and our blog posts are sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry? We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills so we can reach and serve more people. If you'd like to support what we do with a secure online tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week It comes from the same quote from episode 56, which is especially timely for today show:

Go out and make friends with people who don’t look like you. ~ Karem Abdul-Jabbar

That’s all for today.

See you next week. Bye for now.

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A key marker in any parent’s life is when their child goes off to school for the first time. Whether it’s to kindergarten, or when our kids leave home for college, it stirs up emotions within us.

For some, it’s relief that their kid is finally out of the house because they are so ready for him or her to be gone. For others, it’s a bit of grief because WE’RE not quite ready when our kids go off to school for the first time.

Listen in as we consider the emotional impact of our offspring entering this new chapter in their life. Because as a parent it’s a new chapter in OUR life as well.

And even if you have no children, there’s something for you, too, in today’s episode to help enhance your relationships.

I must admit, It caught me by surprise. My reaction to our twin grandsons, Grant and George going off to college for the first time. They were so done with dealing with their senior year of high school and all the COVID disappointments that came with it. They were eager to move on.

Janet and I, not so much. This was going to be a BIG CHANGE. Weeks before they moved into their dorm I felt waves of sadness coming over me. It was the same feeling I had when their parents and our daughter went off to college in the last century. For when our kids go off to school for the first time it can be an emotion-filled time of life.

I thought I was done with this kind of thing. I wasn’t. It reminded me of when we sent our own kids off to kindergarten for the first time. The difference is when you put them on that yellow school bus, you see them later in the afternoon when they come home. When you send them off to college, you may not see them until Thanksgiving.

And it’s not just the sadness I felt. There was also a little anxiety sprinkled in. I never worried if they were going to master kindergarten. But with starting college, thoughts of “will they make it academically” came up. Both our grandsons did very well in high school with high GPAs, but college is harder. Will they make it?

So here I’m feeling sadness, and a little fear. What I wasn’t feeling was any sense of joy.

Hmm. Joy? But then, the more time we spent around George and Grant, the more joy we saw in their lives as they got ready for college. Their joy was contagious. I started to feel more like they were feeling - even in the midst of my sadness and worry.

So I hopped on their joy truck, and here is where it took me:

It took me to feeling their joy in buying things they had saved for college. A backpack, a laptop, snacks for their dorm room, etc. Using their graduation money to start the next chapter of their life. I found joy in this.

It took me to feeling the joy of how, because of their part-time jobs, they acquired confidence in their relational skills. They seemed much more at ease with adults and other people not like them. I found joy in this as well.

It took me to feeling the joy in the way they selected the college they were going to attend. I saw how they based their decision on their values and guidance from God and their parents.

It took me to feeling the joy and pride for my son and his wife in how they have raised their sons

Where their joy truck took me Their joy took me to feeling proud of the value system Grant and George developed during their teenage years. The way they talk about politics and their faith, totally independent of what their peers may believe.

It took me to feeling joy in watching how both boys dealt with setbacks in their lives, and how they compensated for things beyond their control. Such valuable lessons they learned through this.

Their joy took me to feeling joy in seeing them bond with their parents and their younger sister, where most of the time they’d rather spend time with their family than their peers.

It took me to feeling joy in picturing them in a career four years from now that brings out the best in them.

Their joy took me to feeling the joy of shared memories, knowing more memories will be created in the future

Well, I could go on and on and bore you to tears if I haven’t already done so. But I think by now you get the idea.

Namely, when our kids leave home for school, the feelings of sadness or worry diminishes the more we find joy in the midst of those feelings.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Sending our child off to their first day at school, whether kindergarten or university, can evoke a lot of emotion, often sadness and worry. But those emotions diminish the more we share in the joy our kids are experiencing in this new chapter of their life.

I hope that in the midst of YOUR sadness and whatever it is YOU worry about, you will find a measure of joy. It’s harder to find at times, that’s for sure. But if we look hard and long enough, chances are we’ll see it. Especially if we ask God to show it to us.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show. Reach out to a parent of a child getting on the school bus for the first time, and ask how they’re doing.

Call a parent who just got back from taking their kid to college and hauling their boxes of stuff to their first dorm room. “How did it go for you?”

In either case, send a card or note in the mail that says something along the lines of

“I’ve been thinking about you, and praying for you as you process (kids name) heading off to school/college for the first time. I imagine it may be difficult to end one chapter of parenting, and entering this new unknown one.” Something like that.

You can get some other ideas if you read my blog post, Ask Someone What They are Feeling.

Podcast episode 64, Start with this Important Question to Ask, will also give you some ideas for when our kids go off to school for the first time.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

By the way, did you know this podcast and our blog posts are sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry? We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills. If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible online donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. It will enable us to serve more people.

Our Relationship Quote of the Week Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep. ~ Romans 12: 15

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Our job is a means to an end, not an end unto itself. It’s an important relationship principle that makes celebrating Labor Day meaningful.

Hello everyone and welcome back to You Were Made for This. It’s so good to be back here behind the microphone with the start of Season Four. We begin with episode 68, just 2 days after Labor Day here in 2020

During my years in teaching and the business world, I interacted with lots of people who felt stuck in their jobs, where they found little satisfaction in their work

I also interacted with people who found too much meaning in their careers, where their identity and purpose in life were wrapped up in what they did for a living.

Neither extreme is healthy. There’s a better way to view our relationship with our jobs, careers, and the work we do. It’s the topic for today’s show.

This better way starts with this: The job we hold is a means to an end, not an end unto itself.

A Poor Perspective on Our Work We run into problems when we live as though the opposite were true, where we view our job as an end unto itself.

Other things suffer
Relationships suffer
How we spend our time suffers

There’s nothing wrong with ambition, drive, and wanting to get ahead in our careers, as long it serves a greater purpose than feeding our ego and identity.

Qualities of drive and ambition are often looked down upon in Christian circles. But when harnessed within a value system that pleases God they can become admirable virtues.

This raises the question then, if our jobs and careers are a means to an end, what is that “end” that goes beyond earning money to pay our bills?

A Proper Perspective on Our Work Our job and the work we do is a tool God uses to conform us more and more into his image, so we can better reflect his character in our relationships with others.

Character qualities of God like grace, patience, forgiveness, mercy, and all the qualities found in 1 Corinthians 13. Read at many weddings, it should also be part of new-employee orientation.

What we do for a living is a training ground to hone our character to increasingly becoming the man or woman God created us to be.

Dead-end Jobs Some of us may be in jobs we hate, where we find no meaning in them whatsoever. I’ve had a few of those, and thankfully, only for a short period of time. One thing that helps when we’re in a job like this is to look at that job as God’s assignment for us for that season of our life.

Jobs like this can further our relationship with God as we demonstrate obedience to the assignment he has given us in a boring, dead-end job. Even in jobs like this, God can use it to teach us all kinds of relationship lessons with others, and with ourselves.

Examples of “Our Job is a Means to an End, Not an End Unto Itself” From my teaching career: Meeting the parents of an annoying student at a parent-teacher conference.

I learned patience, tolerance, kindness from this encounter.

From my business career: Hiring Bryan, and what his dad said to me the day I met him. “Thanks for hiring my son.”

I learned I had been entrusted with a relationship that was very important to others, besides myself. That I had a responsibility to care for that relationship. It wasn’t just about me and hiring someone to generate more sales and profit for my company.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode: Our job is a means to an end, not an end unto itself. It’s an important relationship principle that makes celebrating Labor Day meaningful. The work we do is a tool God uses for a greater purpose in our lives than simply to earn a living.

What can you do in response to today’s show? Take some time to reflect on how you view your job. Ask God to show you some things. Has your work become an end unto itself, where you derive your identity from it? Or are you using your job as a means to an end that is greater than the actual work you do?

Ask yourself how can I look at my relationships at work as part of God’s larger story for my life that goes beyond earning a living. How can I give people I work with a picture of who God is by demonstrating some of his character qualities.

Then ask God to give you the wisdom and strength to act upon what he has shown you.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

By the way, did you know this podcast and our blog posts are sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry? We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills. If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Related Resource Episode 025, "The Toughest Job in America" The main point of this episode is How we relate to our job is often a reflection of how we relate to God. The episode contains several stories on how we view our jobs and careers.

Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Our Relationship Quote of the Week The home is the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose, and that is to support the ultimate career. ~ C.S. Lewis

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to today’s episode, no. 67, the last one for Season Three. I’ll say more about Season Four later at the end of the show. For today, we’re here to demonstrate how better listening creates deeper relationships. We'll see how monitoring ourselves in how we listen helps transform our relationships into the best they can be.

In prior episodes I talked about listening and the role that questions play in deepening our relationships. I gave a number of examples in several stories I shared. But there’s something about seeing it demonstrated, that for a lot of us, makes it easier to understand. So that is what we’re doing in today’s show. Hopefully what you hear today will equip and inspire you to ask better questions to deepen your relationships.

If you listened to episode 66 from last week, you may remember I had a conversation with Maureen Kasdorf, who shared about the time she seriously considered taking her own life, because of how depressed and hopeless she was feeling at the time.

Today I’m going to go back over excerpts from that conversation and comment on what was going on in my mind as I listened to Maureen, and how I used the question asking principle we’ve been considering recently.
You’ll be able to hear what went well, as well as where I needed to improve.

So let’s go! I should tell you first that a listener to last week’s episode asked if I gave Maureen a list of questions ahead of time before our conversation. I did not. She didn’t know what I was going to ask. We didn’t need a list. All I needed to do was to think what life must have been for her during that difficult time in her life. And then follow her lead with questions in response to what she said. That was all we needed. No list at all.

And that’s all you’ll need, too, in your conversations.
__________________________________

What prompted the conversation I wanted to have with Maureen was her Facebook post from about 8 months ago, which I will read in just a second. Shortly after she put up her post I saw her in person at church and asked her if she would be willing to be a guest on this podcast to share her story behind her brief Facebook entry. She agreed without hesitation.

I told her it may be awhile before we would do the interview because of other things I had lined up for the show, and she was fine with that.

So when we recorded our conversation several weeks ago, I prepared nothing, other than to think, “What might it have been like for Maureen that prompted her to post her entry about suicide.” It evoked a number of questions in my mind.

These were follow-up questions, which I did not want to write down, because I didn’t want our conversation to sound like an interview, even though that is what it was. I wanted the questions to come naturally and organically as we moved along in our discussion. For as often the case, people will answer our questions without us even having to ask them, if we just let people talk.

We began our conversation by exchanging pleasantries, and then I said to Maureen, “I want to read what you wrote and then I’d like your comments about it.” So listen in to what I read back to her and how we got started.

[Clip 1 from interview. Sorry, no transcript is available]

As you heard, we started with me making a statement, which was really a question, “Tell me what prompted that.” It comes off as a little cold to me now. I wish I had phrased it more as a question and been a little warmer with Maureen in the beginning.

She answered my question by saying September in National Suicide Awareness month and she wanted to draw attention to the fact that help is available to people who struggle with this issue. She said she wanted to give people hope.

Then there was a pause in the conversation, and I once again, asked a question, partly in the form of a statement: “Tell us about your suicidal journey. How did it start, and where are you with it now?”

[Clip 2 from interview. Sorry, no transcript is available]

Maureen goes on to talk about bouts of anxiety in college, and then more anxiety when she became a mother and was more isolated.

I wanted to ask “What were you anxious about? Can you give me an example.” Fortunately I didn’t ask, because Maureen was on a roll, and I didn’t want to violate the “Cops and Robbers” listening principle. People in law enforcement are taught that when interviewing a suspect or person of interest to never interrupt that person when they are talking. Your goal is to keep them talking as long as possible. Don’t say anything that will cause them to stop.

As curious as I was about this anxiety issue. I just kept it to myself, for fear of interrupting her train of thought.

You may notice in these excerpts I make a number of listening noises, things like, “ah huh, yeah, oh, hmm.” In my master’s program in counseling, we were taught to use listening noises as a way of identifying with the client, the other person, to help affirm, and build a bond of trust with them. The problem with listening noises though is that they can sound canned, contrived. So in the real world they have to be sincere.

For me, if I’m tracking with someone, they just come out of me naturally without thinking, like carbon dioxide when I’m breathing. But every once in awhile, after we’ve been with someone for the evening my wife will smile and gently say to me, “you were doing it again tonight.” The “it,” of course, being making too many listening noises.

Well anyway, Maureen moved on to describe how her anxiety transitioned into depression around the time of her 3rd pregnancy, and I wondered if it had anything to do with postpartum depression. But again, asking about that would have interrupted the flow of things.

If you remember what we talked about in episode 65, I described listening as dancing a waltz, where you let the other person lead, and you follow them around the ballroom floor. If I had asked about postpartum depression I’m afraid I would be leading, and not Maureen.

Maureen continues on by sharing a key event that unlocked things for her.

[Clip 3 from interview. Sorry, no transcript is available]

Here’s another point I wanted to jump in and talk myself about the power of naming something that’s been an amorphous albatross around someone’s neck. But that would have interrupted Maureen, and switched our roles on the listening ballroom dance floor. So I just shut up. We could always talk about what was on my mind later when she was finished.

In this next clip while Maureen continues to talk about her feelings, then listen to what I say:

[Clip 4 from interview. Sorry, no transcript is available]

I had been going along fairly well up to this point, but here is where Carol, our executive producer, said my listening grade dropped to a “D.” She’s a tough grader, but I would have to agree with her. I never should have interrupted Maureen with “by the way, were those feelings before or after you started on the medication?”

The answer to the question did nothing to further Maureen’s story. The question was all about me, and not about Maureen. Let this be a warning, don’t do what I did. Don’t let your pointless curiosity questions that lead to no where get in the way of the other person’s story. .. especially if Carol happens to hear you.

Fortunately, Maureen got us back on track from this derailment I caused by describing that crucial moment where she’s lying on her bathroom floor and sent a text to her girlfriend, “Help.”

Maureen’s cadence starts to slow down at this point, which gave me a chance to ask a follow-up question. Listen in.

[Clip 5 from interview. Sorry, no transcript is available]

Because Maureen had mentioned her husband Mike earlier, I wanted to follow-up with that. I was so glad I did, because his part in all this just adds to the depth of Maureen’s story.

For me, this was one of the richest parts of my conversation with Maureen. How her friends responded to her being broken. The leveling of hurts, as Maureen describes it, along with “it allowed them to minister to me. It was hard for Mike. Scary for him. Not knowing what he’d find when he came home. He had to ask hard questions of me he didn’t want to ask.”

In this next clip, Maureen finishes talking about her husband, and then I ask another follow-up question.

[Clip 6 from interview. Sorry, no transcript is available]

Carol said I started to redeem myself here from my earlier question that interrupted Maureen. I waited for her to slow down and pause, so I could ask my follow-up question about therapy. And it did get a little light-hearted with the talk about how everyone needs therapy, and I did interrupt with “I agree, by the way.” That interruption was OK, because it added to the relaxed mood. It didn’t take anything away from Maureen’s story, unlike my earlier interruption. Carol is nodding her head and giving me a thumbs up on that one.

Maureen goes on to share all the things she learned from her therapist. Then I tried to summarize what she learned from him, with a slight twist, to make sure I understood things correctly. That’s when I asked this follow-up question:

[Clip 7 from interview. Sorry, no transcript is available]

Maureen’s “yes, but….” answer told me I didn’t get it quite right. She went on to explain she learned she didn’t have to be like every other mom. That she didn’t need to be perfect. So even though my partial analysis of the role her being a mother played in all this was not entirely accurate, that was okay because she provided more clarity.

Her response then evoked in me to ask another follow-up question. Listen in

[Clip 8 from interview. Sorry, no transcript is available]

I love that “What else?” follow-up question. It’s an invitation to the other person to talk more. To go deeper. It almost always unlocks more of the person’s heart. And for verbal processors, it’s especially meaningful. So you can give this a try yourself. See how many times you can work in “What else?” into your conversations with people.

In the previous excerpt Maureen mentioned she learned more about relationships in her time with her therapist. Her comment drew out another follow-up question within me. I asked Maureen this question as she finished up what she was saying in this next segment.

[Clip 9 from interview. Sorry, no transcript is available]

I love that story about how she loves her therapist. He sounds like one of the really good ones. Her relationships with her girl friends and the empathy she developed coming from her own hurt was quite touching. She talked about her strengthened relationship with her husband Mike and her parents.

After she finishes talking about her mom and dad, I make an observation in follow-up to what she just said.

[Clip 10 from interview. Sorry, no transcript is available]

We’ll have an episode next season in the fall about observations, how they can be even more powerful than questions. Notice how Maureen responded to my observation. It’s the same effect as a follow-up question I mentioned before. It’s an invitation to share from a deeper corner of one’s heart. Which is what she did.

Maureen’s talking now about the present, about the other side of the tunnel where the light is. And then her explanation to her young children of what she’s taking medicine for, “It’s for my brain.” And then I jump in with “That’s a great answer!” I was just caught up in the joy of that simple, but highly accurate pharmacological explanation for her toddlers. It’s OK once in awhile to interrupt like that.

We’ll, we’re getting near the end now. Here’s my next question to Maureen, another follow-up question:

[Clip 11 from interview. Sorry, no transcript is available]

I asked two closed ended questions along the lines of , “Did you get any reaction to your Facebook post?” Maureen’s answer was essentially “yes.” But she went on to elaborate. She’s a very articulate verbal person, so I got away with a close ended question. Don’t expect the same result when you’re talking to a teenage boy or someone behind the counter at the post office. A more opened ended question would have been, “What kind of reaction, if any, did you get to your Facebook post?”

Another thing I noticed in the last clip was how Maureen was reacting to my question. Four times she said “yeah.” These were her listening noises that showed she was tracking with what I was saying. We were listening well to each other in our listening waltz, and for a brief moment I was leading and she was following. Great conversations do that, back and forth. I hope you find that dynamic in your conversations, where sometimes you lead, but more times you follow.

Maureen goes on to describe the wonderful reaction she received from people, which I found quite moving. People even sent her flowers. Over a Facebook post, no less. She then mentions again what motivated her to write that post. And then I make an observation that follows up on her comment. Give a listen.

[Clip 12 from interview. Sorry, no transcript is available]

Here again Maureen and I are tracking together about the “mercy” she mentions in her post. She elaborates on it in a really beautiful way. You really should really listen in to episode 66 again if you haven’t done so.

Well by this time our conversation had gone for longer than I had asked Maureen to plan for, and I expected her kids would be needing her soon. So after Maureen talks about how grateful she was for the help she received, I asked her another follow-up question to start wrapping things up.

[Clip 13 from interview. Sorry, no transcript is available]

When I asked my “what advice do you have?” question, there was a longer than normal pause before Maureen answered. I could hear the wheels spinning in her head as she formulated a response. This period of silence when people are thinking sometimes makes us as the listener a little uncomfortable. But as I’ve said on other occasions, “let silence do the heavy lifting.” And that was what was happening here. Maureen went on to give some very wise and thoughtful suggestions, far deeper than you’d find in places like People magazine. All this to say, don’t be afraid to allow for silence in your conversations.

In this final clip, after Maureen finishes with the advice she has for people, I ask one last follow up question, which she answers. And then I make one last observation. Listen in as we bring this plane in for a landing

[Clip 14 from interview. Sorry, no transcript is available]

As often the case, many times the last part of a substantive conversation is the deepest and richest. My “Any last words?" question is just another variation of “What else?” Both are very powerful follow-up questions we can use in many different contexts. Try incorporating this question as you conclude conversations, and you’ll be surprised how often the best stuff comes up in response.

These and what else? questions are like Jesus’ 1st miracle at the wedding feast in Cana. They were running out of wine at the reception, so Jesus turned some plain old water into wine, that was praised as “the best wine,” not the watered-down stuff served at the end of most wedding receptions.

May your questions be like 2nd wine, the best wine. “Any last words?” or “What else?” will help get you there.

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Like any good conversation, this one left me wanting at the end. Wanting to know more about the other person, in this case, Maureen. I wanted to more about her husband, Mike and how he coped with all this. He must be a gem of a guy. I wanted to know more about her friends, who in the midst of their own brokenness help lift Maureen out of that dark pit she was in.

And I wanted to know more about Maureen. For hearing her story was also hearing God’s story in moving in her life, and conforming her more and more into his image. Good conversations do that. They really do.

May all the rest of us do what we can to create an environment where conversations like Maureen and I had are commonplace. Where they’re the norm, not the exception. God made us for this!

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our show in a sentence:

God uses broken people to help broken people

Well, now that you’ve heard all this, what you can do in response?

Make it your goal to have people tell you, “Thank you for asking.” Be it in a comment they make, an email they send, or a note they mail.

And then you can ask God to show you how you can use your brokenness to bless other broken people, relying on the wisdom, strength, and grace he gives you.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing

While this concludes Season Three, I look forward to continuing to connect with each of you through my emails every Wednesday. They will be brief, unlike this episode, with some thoughts, ideas, or suggestions to help transform your relationships into the best they can be.

During this off season, I will be working on expanding the reach of the podcast to help more people of faith find more joy in their relationships. I’d appreciate any help you can give me, by forwarding the podcast onto others, subscribing to it yourself, and writing a review on iTunes.

And I’m certainly going to be working on the content and interviews for Season Four, which will start the Wednesday after Labor Day, September 9th. Please let me know any relationship topics you would like addressed, or the names of any people you’d like to have me interview.

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

I’m going to go with something Maureen Kasdorf said near the end of our conversation.

Broken people have a lot to share.

That’s all for today. See you next week if you’ve signed up for my email list. Otherwise, I’ll be back in your life on September 9th when Season 4 begins. In either case, goodbye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to today's episode, no. 66, where as always I’m here to help us consider ways we can find more joy in our relationships. Because after all, we were made for this.

In the past few episodes (episode 65 episode 64 episode 63 episode 62 )we’ve been considering the only two questions you need to remember in getting to know someone better. Just two questions to ask that will lead to a meaningful conversation with most anyone.

Namely, first of all asking myself “From what I know about this person, what might it be like to be them?” And secondly, asking the other person a follow-up question.

I don’t know about you, but I often learn best by seeing something demonstrated. So that’s what we’re doing in today’s program. I’m going to let you listen in on a recent conversation I had with someone to show what it’s like to stretch our curiosity muscles by asking the two questions we’ve been talking about lately: What might it be like to be them, and follow-up questions.

Now even if this topic doesn’t really interest you, I’m pretty sure you’ll at least be interested in the story our guest has to share.

I’ve wanted to talk with Maureen Kasdorf for 8 months or so because of a post she put on Facebook about the time she felt so depressed she considered ending her life because the emotional pain she was experiencing at the time was so unbearable.

Maureen and I go to the same church, but I didn’t know her all that well until we started working together on the search team looking for a new pastor for our congregation several years ago. She put in a lot of work for our team, and was always enthusiastic and fun to be around.

So when I saw her Facebook post it stunned me that there was this dark chapter in her life I never would guessed was part of her story.

Well, let’s get to the phone call I had arranged with Maureen. She settled in her 3 young children so we could talk, and their patience with their mom on the phone isn’t going to last forever. So let’s get to it.

[Interview starts with phone ringing. Sorry, there's no transcript available]

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode.

God often uses the most broken among us to care for us when WE are broken. Look for the broken people to help. They get you.

Well what can we do in response to today’s show?

This episode is first airing in May of 2020. Every year, since 1949, May has been designated as National Mental Health Month. One way we can respond to today’s program is to ask, what can I do to nurture my own mental health, as well as the mental health of others?

As an example, we can follow Maureen’s suggestion near the end of our conversation. She said recognize when things are not right, name it if you can, and ask for help. Maureen said it’s okay to ask for help, so don’t let your pride get in the way. If you don’t have anyone in your life you feel you can ask, call the suicide hotline number any time, day or night.

That number is 800. 273. 8255.

As for nurturing the mental health of others, I suggest let’s reflect the character of Jesus in our relationships. Be the kind of person people are drawn to because of our kindness, our wisdom, our compassion. God uses these kinds of people to help others, too. Just like the broken among us. Often they are one and the same.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing

I have more to say about today’s episode, but I don’t want to take anything away from Maureen’s story right now. So we’ll save that for next week when I come back and talk about the listening component to today’s show. We’ll examine more closely how well I did in using the two questions we’ve been talking about the past few episodes, What might it be like to be her?, and follow-up questions.

I can tell you now, if I were to give myself a grade for how well I listened today, my first thought would be a B-. So please come back next week, to catch episode 67. I’ll explain my self-evaluation, why I don’t deserve an “A,” and what we can all learn from my mistakes, as well as what went right.

Next week, by the way is the last episode for Season Three. I’ll explain what will be happening this summer before Season Four starts up again, right after Labor Day in September.

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week
I’m going to go with the pivotal moment in Maureen’s story when she’s lying on her bathroom floor, sobbing, thinking “how am I going to get out of this life?” Yet God gave her the presence of mind to text a girlfriend who lived 17 seconds down the block these words:

"Help me!”

Help me. That’s our quote of the week We all need more help than we realize. Hmm.

Well that’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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Asking follow-up questions is a key part of one of the greatest gifts we give someone. The gift of listening. Learn how in today's episode.

In recent episodes we’ve considered how our lack of curiosity about people keeps our relationships at a surface level. To go deeper in our relationships our curiosity deficiency can be cured with a simple vaccine: Ask - people - questions. We talked in the last few episodes about WHY we don’t ask more questions, and one explanation is that we don’t know how.

Last week’s show, no. 64, introduced the first of the two most effective questions we can ever ask in deepening our relationship with people. That question is a question we ask ourselves, which goes like this: “From what I know of the other person, what might it be like to be them?” When we ask this question, in essence trying to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes, other questions will naturally arise organically from within us we can ask. We went over that pretty thoroughly in last week’s show.

In today’s episode we’re going to consider the only other question you’ll need to remember to deepen your relationship with someone. It’s the most important question you can ever ask someone. So if you’re taking notes, grab the smallest Post-it note you can find, because it’s a really short question. Go ahead, the rest of us will do a few stretching exercises while we we wait for you.

Alright, if everyone is ready to go, here’s the only other question you need to remember:

Ask a follow-up question.

Think about Jesus and the questions he asked. Many of them were follow-up questions. In Matthew 16:13-15 we read

When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples “Who do people say the Son of Man is?” They replied, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets. “But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”

That’s a great follow-up question, isn’t it? But what about you? Who do you say I am?”

A follow-up question can be a follow-up to something someone says, something you observed, or something you remembered. They are important contributors to our relationships with people. When our relationships are devoid of them, our connections with people will never be as deep as they could be.

This reminds me of a really awkward and painful moment in a Bible study Janet and I were in awhile back. One of the women in the group shared one night how depressed she was feeling because she and her husband were longing for a second child, but she was not getting pregnant. It really bothered her. After she shared this heartfelt concern, the response from the rest of us was silence. Nothing, and then someone changed the subject and brought up a completely different issue.

A follow-up question could have been something like, “How are you dealing with all this?” Or some follow-up statement like, “Oh, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this painful issue.” Instead there was just silence.

I’ve thought about that incident from a number of years ago and regret I didn’t say anything, and wondered why others didn’t either. Was it lack of practice in asking questions? Was it lack of curiosity? Self-absorption? Poor listening skills? Or was it we just didn’t know what to say?

All I can tell tell you, it was very hurtful for the woman who shared this deep longing in her life, and no one responded. We did not care well for her that night.

I suspect some of you have been in similar situations. The good news is that we can learn how to respond in situations like this. It’s part of developing our relationships skills that episodes 11 - 14 talk about. If you are a newer listeners to the podcast you might want to check those out. They are foundational to what we are doing. Here are links to them:

Episode 11 Relationship Skills - Level 1
Episode 12 Relationship Skills - Level 2
Episode 13 Relationship Skills - Level 3
Episode 14 Relationship Skills - Level 4

A great thing about asking follow-up questions is that it pulls you away from our default mode of thinking about ourselves and focussing on what we want to add to a conversation. By thinking intently about asking follow-up questions, we contribute to a conversation when we draw out others, rather then when add to the conversation with our own thoughts and experiences. Draw out, don’t add to.

Another benefit of asking follow-up questions is that If we remember to ask them we don’t have to remember anything else. It will become 2nd nature to us.

Follow-up questions benefit not only us, but the other person we’re listening to as well. Answering these questions often brings clarity in the other person’s thinking. Many times it’s far better than advice, which most people don’t heed any way.

So how do we get started in asking follow-up questions?

Start with what you observe and remember. Use your observation and memory to prime the pump of your thinking. What do see in the other person you could ask about? What do you remember from a prior conversation you could inquire concerning that conversation?

Follow-up questions are all about staying on one subject for as long as possible. The more times the topic of conversation changes, the less listening is going on. See how long you can stay on one subject by asking questions about that one subject. Here are two word pictures that might help

Asking follow-up questions is like peeling an orange. Some oranges peel easier than others. You have to take off the peel to get to the good stuff, and it takes removing multiple peels to get to what you really want.

Follow-up questions are like dancing a waltz. The other person leads, and you follow. Let the other person take you wherever they want to around the ballroom dance floor. As a good dance partner, and a good listener, you’ll bring out the best in them when you let them lead and you follow. It will bring out the best in you, too.

Examples of follow-up questions

What do you mean by that?

Don’t let your assumptions get in the way of asking a follow-up question. Ask the other person to define their terms, rather than assuming the way you define a term is the same way they do.

Sometimes how we define something may be quite different from what another person means.

You said your relationship with your mom is strained, what do you mean by “strained?”

[Trip to Turkey and missionary's angst over her son’s comment “I’ve had a significant spiritual awakening” story.]

Why?

Why did you like living in Pittsburgh when you were a kid?
Why was high school a hard time for you?
Why is it that you loved sports as a teenager, but now are not interested in them anymore?

How so?

Don Robins story, “I’d rather do a hundred funerals than one wedding.”

Can you give me an example of that?

“Before my husband got sick he did so many wonderful things for people.”

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our show in a sentence:

One of the greatest gifts we can ever give someone is the gift of listening. A big part of that gift is asking follow-up questions. They show you care.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show.

Honor someone this week by asking him or her one or two follow-up questions. It’s a way to live out Romans 12:10, where we’re told to “take delight in honoring each other.”
Make it your goal to get people to say to you, “Thank you for Asking.”
Dance a waltz with someone, a listening waltz. They lead, you follow.
This week, work on asking just two follow-up questions in a conversation you have with someone. It takes practice, and just think in terms of asking people

What do you mean by that?
Why?
How so?
Can you give me an example of that?

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

Being listened to is so close to being loved that most people cannot tell the difference

~ David Augsberger

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to today’s episode where today we pick up from last week's episode, no. 63

If you didn't catch last week's show, the problem we discussed is that we may want to engage with someone, but we don’t know what questions to ask to get things started.

It’s easy to say “ask more questions” to cure our CD-20, curiosity deficiency, but many times we can’t think of questions to ask. It’s especially true in relating with the quiet introverts among us.

Because we can’t think of questions to ask, many of us will default to what’s easiest, namely talking about ourselves. We look at the other person through “me colored glasses.” When someone shares an experience or thought, we jump in and share a similar thought or experience from our life. We listen to others “autobiographically” as Stephen Covey describes it.

What I have discovered, however, is there are only two questions we ever need to remember if we’re serious about engaging someone in a substantive conversation. The vaccine we need to cure us of the dreaded Curiosity Deficiency virus is just two questions to ask.

Only two questions are needed to exercise our curiosity muscles to build new relationships, or strengthen old ones. Just two, that’s all.

In today’s episode, so as not to overload you, we’re going to consider just the first of the two questions. It will be easy to remember, but If you want to take notes, you’ll just need a single post-it note. We’re only going to consider one simple question. Pause this recording, if you need to, to go get a post-it note, Because you don’t want to miss this. Take a deep breath, maybe get a glass of water. Do some stretching exercises if you must.

Ready? Before I tell you what this one simple question is, I need to tell you how it came to be.

Background to question 1

Questions come naturally for me, because people interest me. During my career as a teacher, I worked in my spare time to get a master’s degree in counseling, and I learned a bit about asking questions. Good counselors ask few questions, I learned, and I do believe that to be the case. We’ll save that concept for another time. Because we’re not talking here about anything even close to counseling.

Then I left teaching and got into the business world as an executive recruiter where I really learned about questions. It was essentially a sales position. The best sales people, I soon learned, ask good questions. They listen more than they talk.

Later my wife and I helped start a missionary care ministry. We found that people who want to care for missionaries were sometimes at a loss for what questions to ask them. So I started compiling a list of dozens of questions I would typically ask.

Too complicated. No one’s going to remember the list. So I scrapped the list and came up with just two. Two questions that are impossible to forget. Here’s the first one, and the only one we’ll consider in this episode. The second one we will tackle in next week’s show. But here’s the first question. It is to ask our self a question, namely:

From what I know of the person in front of me so far, what might it be like to be them?

When we ask ourselves this question, questions about the other person will naturally arise within us organically. Even when we have very limited information about the other person. You really don’t have to know much to begin to ask your self this question. Here’s an example of how this works:

The Dutchman we met at Gull Lake, Michigan story

I think the Dutchman was an angel sent by God to pursue me to get me out of my funk/depression.

What do you do in order to ask yourself “what might it be like to be the other person” How exactly do you do this?

Stop thinking about your self for the moment. It will free you up with the energy and relational calories you need to think about someone else. You’ll need that energy for holy imaging about the other person.
Put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and walk around in them a bit
Connect our present encounter with our past
Draw upon our past experiences that might relate to the other person. Does the other person remind you of the qualities of someone else you know?
Stress “might” in your speculation. You don’t have to be 100% correct. The other person will guide your thinking.

Here’s how we benefit when we ask our self what it might be like to be the other person

It can ease us out of our depression and concerns about our problems
What we learn about another person can enrich our life
It expands our world
It’s a way to find role models and mentors for our life
If we knew more about each other we’d sin against each other less
Knowing someone well makes it easier extend grace and forgiveness to them

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode.

Considering what it might be like to be another person will naturally and organically evokes questions within us about that person. We can then ask these questions to begin a substantive conversation, which will deepen our relationship with that person.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show.
Ask God to help us open our eyes to other people, to help us exercise our curiosity muscles about them. To see people as God sees them, and to derive a measure of joy from others, as he does. To show grace to people. To forgive them, as he has forgiven us.

Take some time to understand someone’s history. To learn about the context in which people grew up. There’s the political, social, and cultural history we’re all part of. That affects us all. Think of how 9/11 has affected us. Younger people know nothing of going to the gate at the airport to welcome family or friends right off the plane.

Do what Kareem Abdul Jabbar advised us several weeks ago in the relationship quote of the week, “Go out and make friends with someone who doesn’t look like you.” Asking yourself, what might it be like to be them, will make it easier to do!

Then there is the personal history.

To do any of this is not our inclination. We need to ask God to empower us to think outside of ourselves, to think outside our box, our little box.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing
I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

I long to hear the story of your life. ~William Shakespeare, from The Tempest, Act 5, scene1

That’s all for today. See you next week. Good-Bye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to today’s episode, where as always, I’m here to help you find more joy in your relationships, because that’s what you were made for.

In episode 62 last week, “Vaccine Now Available for this Relational Virus,” We talked about CD-20, the curiosity deficiency virus that keeps us from deeper relationship with people. I mentioned there’s a vaccine now available - developed by the CDC, Curiosity Deficiency Council in Bismarck, ND. It’s a simple vaccine. Here it is: Ask People Questions.

Today’s episode examines 6 reasons we are not more curious about others, why we don’t take the vaccine that cures our curiosity deficiency, and the benefits we experience when we do ask people questions. Especially people close to us.

Here’s reason number one we’re not more curious enough about people to ask questions of them:

We may not ask questions because we’re overloaded, with limited capacity for the work relationships require. We may limit our inquires because we need to limit the number of close relationships in our life, especially now in the spring of 2020 when we’re working from home and home schooling the kids, An article in the April 24, 2020 Wall Street Journal talks about “Zoom Fatigue.” It’s about how people are overloaded with relationships gone online.

But even before the coronavirus hit, a lot of us had been swamped with the busyness of life. Much of which is self-induced. So this overload is one reason we’re not as curious about people. Because our curiosity could potentially
create more work for us, depending where our curiosity leads us.

We sometimes don’t ask questions of others because we’re afraid of what we might find out. We’re afraid more may be required of me, especially more of my time, if I knew what was truly going on with the people in my life.
A third reason we may not be curious about the lives of others in our circle of relationships is because we rely on our assumptions about them instead. We relate based on our per-conceived notions about people. We think if we know their Enneagram number, their Myers-Briggs score, or their Strength Finders skill, we pretty much know all we need to know about another person. I’ve seen too many times where people are put in boxes or categories from the latest personality test, which short-circuits the effort required to understand others. We are all far more complex than what a personality test tells us. These assumptions distance us from each other.
We’re reluctant to ask questions, for fear of being perceived as “nosy.” I find this reason for our lack of curiosity to be most interesting to me. It comes up often in workshops I give on listening and asking questions. Invariably someone will ask something along the lines of: “But if I ask questions of people close to me, won’t they think I’m just being nosy? I was always taught ‘If someone wants you to know something about them, they will tell you.’”

This is one of those “exception” questions that often come up in workshops. It’s usually from someone in the crowd who disagrees with what the presenter is saying, or who wants to hijack the direction the speaker is taking with his own agenda. Or who just loves to hear himself talk. They want the workshop leader to focus on the exception, not the norm.

The “I have always believed if people wanted you to know they’d tell you” comment reveals a person who most likely comes from a background or culture of secrets. They hold things close to the vest. Their theme song is we need to be private, and we mustn’t invade the privacy of others. You often find this dynamic in people who grew up in families where there was addiction, sexual abuse, or other dysfunctions.

All of this raises the question of what’s the difference between being nosy and being genuinely curious about others? I posted this question on Facebook recently, and here are three really good answers I received:

Rita. "Curious people genuine empathize with others and what they learn about them. They delight in, rejoice over, wonder further, grieve with...in order to grow deeper in relationship. Nosiness satisfies a fleshly yearning to know more, not to know better."

Joan. "I think nosy people ask questions about situations or things that have happened, like in the neighborhood or even in family situations that they need to know so they can then pass it on and gossip. I think a genuine curious person wants to know about you, your feelings and situations that are true to the core of your being. They want to make sure you are ok and demonstrate care and concern out of love. A curious person will share of themselves and maybe share a situation that they themselves have experienced. Curious is more heart centered, nosy is more informational."

Rob. "I cannot add much to the above. I always referred to myself as being nosy when I asked people questions. Recently I was corrected by someone who told me I was curious and should use that word. I think that is true because I do not just want information but want to know something about that person. People are interesting and we do like to talk about ourselves. At least I do!"

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There is an element of culture and personality to this issue, too. Some cultures around the world are very private, and there are others where personal privacy is non-existent. Personality is part of it too. I’ve found that the more extraverted among us don’t even think about what questions to ask others. While the introverted, think of questions, but are too shy to ask them.

Here are a few more of my thoughts on the differences between nosy and curious:

Nosy doesn’t enrich your life. Curiosity does.
Nosy is the cousin of gossip. They are close relatives.
Nosy people ask so they can evaluate others and compare. Curious people ask to understand.
Curiosity requires something of us. Nosiness doesn’t.
Being nosy separates us. Curiosity brings us together.
Nosy people assume there is a deeper relationship than actually exists.
Nosy people use information they gain from you against you. Curious people use information they get from you for you.

Finally, I’ve come to the conclusion that our fear of being nosy in our relationships is usually just a cop-out. Just an excuse to get us off the hook from failing to honor people by wanting to understand what life is like for them.

A fifth reason we are not more curious about people is that we’re content to live with shallow relationships. We only ask questions to get caught up on the news in each other’s lives, rather than on what’s happening in our heart, soul, and mind. A lot of people are poor listeners because they want to be. It takes work to be a better listener, and for them, the work involved is not worth the effort.
A final reason we’re not curious enough to ask questions of the people in our lives is that we don’t know what to ask! Our curiosity muscles have atrophied. And for some people like this, it’s not their fault. They may not have any role models who have shown them what it’s like to be be genuinely curious about others.

The good news is that I can work with people like this. We all can. When we get better at exercising our curiosity muscles, it shows others how they too can have deeper relationships when we understand more about each other.

_____________________________________

In next week’s episode I’ll share a very simple, but powerful question we can ask if we’re curious enough about other people to want to know and understand them. And it’s nowhere close to being nosy or invading anyone’s privacy.

Here are 6 benefits of being curious enough to ask people questions about themselves:

It gets us out of our self-focused life to see the wonder of what God has created in the life of another. It draws us closer to God as we better understand our brothers and sisters created in his image. For when we see how much God loves someone else, warts and all, it makes us appreciate God all the more.
Asking questions of others opens doors for deeper connection with them.
It’s a great remedy for depression and loneliness.
When we understand people better because of how they answer our questions, it causes us to be grateful for what we have, that others do not.
Being curious enough to ask people questions draws out the experience and wisdom from the quiet introverts among us.
We can learn for other people’s mistakes when we understand them better.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our show in a sentence

When we’re curious enough to ask questions of others, it opens up the potential for deeper relationships with people that go beyond news and the shallow things of life.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show

Do some self-reflecting and ask yourself, Am I really concerned about being nosy, or is that a cop out for my laziness with regard to the work relationships require?

Who is someone in my life that strike me as a person I would more like to be? Who could I initiate with, by asking thoughtful questions.

As always, I’d like to hear you thoughts about this topic. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

Sometimes the questions we ask are more important than the answers we think we know.

~ Ruth Haley Barton

That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to today’s episode, where as always, I’m here to help us all find more joy in our relationships.

Before we get into today’s topic I want to share several responses from listeners to recent prior episodes

Two responses from Episode 59, “The Last Place You Would Ever Think to Find Joy"

Duane, a missionary in Japan
Health care worker in an assisted living facility

A response from episode 60 from last week, “One Perspective on Stay-at-Home You Probably Haven’t Heard Before” i.e., Let's make something!

Retired widowed-missionary

Now for today’s show. It’s going to be a Good News - Bad News episode.

I asked Carol what she wanted to hear first, and she said “give the bad news first.” That would be my choice, too. So I’ll share that first, and then at the end I’ll explain the good news - about the bad news, so be sure to stick around for that.

Here’s the bad news, there is another serious virus affecting us all that’s been around a lot longer than the Covid-19 coronavirus. But you never hear anything about it from the media. And sadly, the virus seems to be getting worse. I’m talking about the relational virus of CD-20, Curiosity Deficiency-20

Curiosity deficiency is the relational virus defined as “lack of curiosity or interest in the lives of other people with whom we have a relationship.” That definition is from the CDC itself. Not the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta. No, this CDC is the Curiosity Deficiency Council based in Bismarck, North Dakota.

Here are 7 symptoms of CD-20 from the CDC:

People often bore you
You know little about the past of the people close to you. Parents, other relatives, neighbors, co-workers
People’s behavior often mystifies you.
You try to connect with people more by sharing your thoughts and experiences, rather than listening to theirs
You don’t know the love language of the people closest to you
You gravitate more to people who are similar to you, than those who are different
Trusting people is difficult for you

The CDC, the Curiosity Deficiency Council in Bismarck, ND, is coming out with a test for CD-20, that may be ready in a week of two. As soon as it’s available, I’ll pass it on to you.

1st Example

An ice-breaker exercise I will often use when I’m leading a small group of people who don’t know each other is to ask everyone to share something that most people don’t know about them. I will sometimes say, I have two certified birth certificates with two different names. No one has ever been curious enough to ask me, “why?”

2nd Example

An older missionary couple, recently married, came to us about a strained relationships with their adult children. The couple had known each other as friends for many years during their respective marriages to other spouses. Both spouses from the first marriage of this couple died. Some time passes, and this widow and widower ended up marrying each other.

Their marriage took place 6 months after the husband’s first wife passed away. The adult children of the husband were in their late ’20’s.

When I asked the guy, “How did your adult children feel about you getting married just 6 months after their mother died?”

“I don’t know,” the husband said, looking like a deer in headlights. “I never thought to ask them.”

He was suffering from a severe case of curiosity deficiency. He had no interest in wondering about impact of his actions on his grieving children. He gained a wife. His children lost their mother.

I felt for the guy, because I too have had my own bouts of CD-20.

I think now of questions I wish my parents were around to answer. My dad died in 1997. I was not curious enough to ask him about his experience in WWII (Refer to his April 5, 1946 discharge letter I found while looking for something in my mother’s records. What was that 7-day emergency where he worked 22 straight hours?)

I wasn’t curious enough to ask him about being on the tennis team when he was in high school. I never saw a tennis racket in our house growing up, how come? Why didn’t he play after H.S.?

I wonder who taught my father how to figure skate so well, and to do that split eagle move that fascinated me and my siblings. I wasn’t curious enough to ask.

How did he learn to bowl and shoot pool?

I wasn’t curious enough to ask what it was like growing up as a teenager without a father? I wasn’t curious enough to ask what it was like when his sister, his half-sister, was killed in a car crash when he was just a kid.

I wasn’t curious enough to ask why he brought his mother, my grandmother, to live with us when I was very young, and how he dealt with the running conflict between her and my mother. That must have awful to juggle the relationship between his wife and his mother. What a no-win situation that must have been.

I wasn’t curious enough to ask him or my mother, about a distant memory I have of vague event when I was very young. I remember lots of yelling and commotion that involved great amounts of blood in our bathroom sink. Did someone slash their writs over all the conflict? Or was this just some gory accident?

There’s no one left to deal with my re-awakened curiosity. They’re all gone now.

I wonder about your curiosity about your past, and the past of others close to you. I wonder how much richer your relationships, and my relationships, would be if we were all just a little more curious about each other.

The Vaccine?

I mentioned in the beginning of today’s show that fortunately, there is a vaccine available for this virus, this curiosity deficiency, CD-20. Here it is:

Ask people questions.

More on this next week. One final thought.

You often hear people say their fathers or grandfathers in WWII or any of the other wars we’ve had since, “They don’t want to talk about it.”

Hmm. I wonder. I have a hunch that maybe these combat vets would have loved to talk about it if only someone would have asked them questions about it.

Maybe it seemed they didn’t want to talk about it because they sensed people didn’t really care all that much about their experiences. I wonder.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our show in a sentence

The more curious we are about the people in our life, the greater the potential for deeper relationships with them.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show.

Who are you curious about? Who are the people you would like to understand and appreciate more? From the kind and generous neighbor next door, to the rebellious teenager in your life, imagine how much deeper your relationship with them would be if you exercised your “curiosity muscles” in relating with them.

Another thing you can do, especially if you are a new listener to this podcast, is to go back and listen to episode 54 and episode 55. They are both about self-centeredness. The curiosity deficiency virus is a major contributing factor to this relational disease.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing

Next week we’ll take a look at the vaccine recently approved by the CDC for Curiosity Deficiency virus, namely “Ask People Questions.”

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift would be curiosity. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to today's episode where today we talk about how changing the way we think changes the way we relate to others. But before we get into this, I have two responses from listeners about prior episodes I want to share with you.

[Darlene’s text about people looking at their cell phones]

Randy from Pittsburgh who texted “I can't wait to get into my car to listen to this week's You Were Made for This episode! It is breakfast for my soul as I drive to work each Wednesday morning."

Several weeks ago in episode 56, Changing How We Think, we examined 3 ways God transforms us into a new person by changing the way we think. Today we consider how our relationships can be transformed by changing the way we think.

Story number 1: How I changed from a subject centered to a child centered teacher. Subject matter vs. student orientation.

As a teenager, I always knew I wanted to be a teacher because I could work in a school building where I knew I’d be safe. Living at home didn’t feel safe. School buildings were safe.

Going away to college developed my love for history because of several exciting and passionate history professors I had.

During boring summer jobs in college I rehearsed in my mind what I would say on the very first day of my career as a history and English teacher. Worried kids would ask me history questions I couldn’t answer.

I got that first job where a new-teacher orientation was held a few days before students arrived for the first day of class.

Robert Kreuser, school superintendent, his memorable quote,

“Never fall in love with your own idea.” I wasn’t quite sure at the time what he meant.

I was excited to teach history, not kids. Kids didn’t appreciate it nearly as much as I did. The questions I feared from them never came. “When’s lunch?” and “How come you’re dressed so funny, Mr. Certalic” was about all they asked.

I was disappointed these kids didn’t have the passion for history that I did.

And as I got to know my teaching colleagues, I noticed there were two kinds of teachers, those who loved their subject matter, and those who loved kids.

At some point I began to consider Robert Kreuser’s quote, “Never fall in love with your own idea.” My own idea I had fallen in love with was that 13 year-old 8th graders should love history as much as I did. And my job was to instill this passion in them. I soon realized I needed another idea, a better idea.

The better idea came when I changed my thinking from being someone who taught history, to someone who taught students. It came when I changed my thinking to view history and English as a means to an end, not the end itself. Students were the end.

History and English was the context for impacting students who had a difficult and rocky relationship with their parents, who didn’t have any close friends, who were competing to be top students, who worried about even graduating because they were not gifted with a sharp mind, a student who got in trouble with the police, and one who had an abortion and felt guilt over it.

It was because I changed my thinking about teaching students vs. teaching history and English, that caused me to find great fulfillment in my career. I gave up my own idea, for a better one.

Story number 2: Stephen Covey paradigm shift/subway story from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

His thinking changed about the man in the subway when he got new information from him. Changed thinking changed his relationship.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode.

When we change how we think about people it keeps us open to the mystery and goodness that could be hiding deep inside of them.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show.
Consider the relationships in your life that you wish were better. They could improve, certainly, if the other person changed. But assume that’s never going to happen. What can you do to think differently about the people in those relationships?

Ask God to help you think about these relationships in ways that are still honest and true, but at the same time leaves room for grace, for understanding, forgiveness, and for assuming the best about the other person. Ask God to transform your thinking so you can look at life a little more from their perspective, and not just your own.

Take to heart what my old boss used to say, “Never fall in love with your own idea,” when it comes to your thinking about why your relationships aren’t the way you’d like them to be.

You could also listen to a related past episode, no. 43, Thankful for people different from me.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode, like Darlene and Randy did in the beginning of today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

Knowing another language is like having a second soul. ~ Charlemagne.

Think in terms of love language, know the love language of another. A second soul.

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to today’s episode where today, as always, I’m here to help us consider how we can experience more joy in our relationships.

Are you tired of all the coronavirus news? Almost all of which is depressing and negative. Some of which is conflicting information. One week it’s the average person on the street should not be wearing masks when they’re out and about, and then two weeks later it’s all of us SHOULD be wearing masks.

It’s like columnist Peggy Noonan’s comment from episode 57 that I mentioned a few weeks back: “We’re all just feeling our way through this, and it’s going to be a mess.”

At the risk of adding to the information overload about the coronavirus, today I want to offer one simple but useful perspective I’m almost certain you haven’t heard elsewhere. I know I haven’t. I’m convinced it could make these difficult times not only more bearable for us, but actually enriching. So keep listening.

I can sum up this perspective on the Covid-19 crisis in three words:

Let’s Create Something!

Let’s use our current coronavirus problem as an opportunity to create something. When this crisis is over and done with, we may not have the unique opportunity to create something as we do now. One of these days we’ll be back to our place of employment with our co-workers, the kids will return to school, and the routine we followed before the virus hit will soon dominate our lives. The disruption in all this now gives us an opportunity to enrich the relationships in our life.

Genesis 1 tells us all people are created in the image of God. Because God is a creator, when we create something we are reflecting the character of God. When we create something, it’s one way we connect in our relationship with God. We become his image bearers when we create.

So let’s create something.

I suggest three ways we can create. The first is

Remove something

I have been working on de-cluttering my office. What used to be a dinning room table in our last house is now my desk in our down-sized new house. The act of getting rid of stuff that accumulated on top of it, is freeing my mind for new possibilities. It’s like airing out the house the first time it gets warm after a long cold winter.

On a larger scale, we can remove a distraction in our life so we can focus on what’s important in our relationships. We can intentionally remove a dysfunctional pattern of behavior in how we relate to people. Sometimes creation starts with elimination. We can start from scratch.

We have the option to remove activities in our life that keep us from relationships. Free ourselves up for relationships with people, by removing that which only serves to keep us busy.

It’s energizing to create some void in our life, some space, so God can fill it with something more fulfilling than what we discard. I think of sports at the moment. There’s a void there at the moment. Nothing much from the sports world on TV now, except things like the 1993 State of Montana High School Girls Volleyball Tournament. Let’s use this forced-upon-us void in the spring of 2020 to fill with something new, and good. Something that’s creative for us.

So remove something. That’s the first way we can create. The second way to create is

Make something

Here’s a real simple example:

The other day Janet made bread with a bread maker we haven’t used in years. Took a loaf to two different neighbors. Both grateful. One returned several days later with a plate of homemade cookies, and a card. The front of the card was a quote from Samuel Johnson (18th century English writer) that read

“To be happy at home is the ultimate result of all ambition, the end to which all enterprise and labor tends.”

On the inside our neighbor wrote a thank you note for the bread and said she loved Janet’s idea of baking something to give to a neighbor, and that she was doing the same. What a great way to create something, not just baked goods, but to use what is created to create a slightly strong connection with a neighbor.
___________________________

Janet also made a batch of cookies. Took them to a friends house for their 3 young kids, the oldest of which is in 1st grade.

We called before we came, and put them on their porch while we waited for them in our car for them to come out. The parents chatted with us from the appropriate distances. Kids grabbed the cookies and went inside, while we talked with mom and dad.

The kids’ mom told us their daughter’s teacher encouraged her 1st grade students to stay connected with each other by writing letters to one another during this stay-at-home period.

Mom told us their oldest, Naomi, didn’t want to go back to school. She loved her teacher and learning, but she said she would miss the letters that her classmates were sending back and forth to each other. Many of them just left in mailboxes, others through the postal service.

The next day I mailed note to the kids. I asked if they write a story for me. A story about a deer. A feather. And a birthday cake.

Why did we do all this?

For us, it was an act of creation. It was to add an experience to our home-bound life by driving to our friends’ house to connect with them. Hadn’t seen them in weeks. And we missed them.

Connecting ourselves with this couple through something very important to them - their children.

“When you love my baby you love me.”

With regard to the note I mailed to the kids, it was to create maybe 5- 10 minutes of respite for Mom while the kids worked on the book project.

At the time of this podcast production, the kids had written the story, and were just getting started on the illustrations. Mom said they will mail it to us when they finish. I can’t wait to see what they came up with. What they created.

One way to create is to make something. Make a loaf of bread. Make a batch of cookies. Make an experience. Or a million other things. And then use what you make to foster a relationship.

The third way we can create is to

Connect something.

Janet created a connection with our neighbor by sharing what she made, which our neighbor reciprocated. That deepened our connection with her and her husband.

Then we connected with the young couple I mentioned with the 3 young kids, through the cookies Janet made, and through the experience I created for their children for the story I asked them to write.

Creating enhanced connections like these remind us during these very difficult times we are not going through them alone.

Another connection we can make that is helpful during times like this is to connect our current situation with the past, with what has happened before. To consider our relationship with time. To connect with the past. To put the present in the context of the past.

You may heard variations of comments like this from the news media

“These are unprecedented times. We are in uncharted waters. We’ve never been through anything like this before.”

In a sense that’s true. The specifics of the events of the Covid-19 pandemic are things we haven’t experienced before.

However, if we take the time connect the current with the past, statements like the above are not true. Our national health has been endangered before, just as it is now.

The polio scare of the early and mid 1950’s altered my childhood. We were afraid then, as we are now. But we made it through it.

Before that, there was the Spanish flu pandemic of 1918. It infected 500 million people – about a quarter of the world's population at the time. Anywhere from 17 to 50 million people died, and possibly as high as 100 million. But we survived as a nation, though we were afraid then, too.

In last week’s episode, no. 58, I mentioned Martin Luther’s response to the Bubonic Plague, the Black Plague of the 16th century, one fourth of Europe died because of the plague, but Europe survived and they survived too.

Back here in the US, during the later part of the ’50’s we didn’t have active shooters in school like sometimes happen today. Instead we had atom bomb drills where we sat in the hallways with arms over our head for protection. We were afraid then, too. But we all made it.

In 1962 we thought it was all over with the Cuban Missile Crisis and A-bombs would be headed our way in any moment. We were really, really afraid then. Afraid of Nikita Khrushchev, premier of the Soviet Union at the time, who once got so angry at the United States in addressing the United Nations Assembly he took off his shoe and banged it on the podium where he was speaking. On another occasion he said of western nations, “We will bury you!” But we all made it through that.

A year later JFK, one of the most loved presidents in our history was gunned down. We were afraid then too, and deeply grieving. But we all made it.

In April of ’68 Martin Luther King jr. was assassinated , followed by the slaying of presidential hopeful, Bobby Kennedy 2 months later. But we all made it through that national turmoil too. Afraid, but we made it.

We’re afraid now, but just like before we’ll make it through this too.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode.

The difficult times we are in can be eased, and even enriched, when as people of faith we look for ways to reflect the character of God. And one way is to create, because God created. We can create by removing something. Making something. Connecting something.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show.

What can you connect our present times with in your own personal history?What have you learned from past difficulties in your life, that you can draw upon to deal with today’s problems? What can you make to share with someone? A photograph? A batch of cookies?

What can you remove from your life to create more open space, which in turn helps create peace. Empty space in your garage? Your basement? Maybe even your care. We can all create. And when we do, we make God smile because he creates too.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

I am one in whom Christ dwells and delights. I live in the strong and unshakable kingdom of God. The kingdom is not in trouble and neither am I. ~ James Bryan Smith, author

That’s all for today. See you next week. Good Bye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to today’s episode where today, as always, we're here together to consider how we can experience more joy in our relationships.

I had another episode all ready to go for today, but I’ll save it for next week because something came up the other night that I want to share with you because of it’s timeliness, and because it illustrates an important relationship principle. It’s about finding joy in a relationship in the most unlikely of places.

So stick around and listen, especially near the end where I describe a connection between 4 different relationships, 98 years apart, a connection that is bringing me joy during a difficult time I’m in right now. I share it because this same joy is available to you during the difficult times you are going through, or will go through.

Here’s the story. This episode is airing Wednesday, April 8, 2020 in the middle of Holy Week. But I’m putting it together on Palm Sunday, the beginning of the week. It’s a particularly meaningful Palm Sunday for my wife Janet and me, because it’s the first Palm Sunday Janet’s mother is spending in heaven with Jesus.

Elda died last Saturday night at the age of 96.

In the midst of this most significant loss for us, we couldn’t be happier for her.

Decades ago she surrendered her life to Jesus, and as people of faith know, when we make this decision, our ultimate destiny is a heavenly home with God and his son for all of eternity. The contrast between that reality and Elda’s life for the past 12 years with Alzheimer's disease couldn’t be more stark.

We first noticed it when she got lost taking grandson Nathan for a walk when we was a toddler. It gradually got worse and worse. Before Janet’s dad died 11 years ago, they were sometimes taking each other’s medications until Janet discovered it.

After her dad died, we moved her mom to an assisted living facility. Then she started to wander, and they kicked her out and we had to find another place for her.

Elda was the subject of episode 2 of this podcast, back in November 2018. Click here if you want to hear more about what I appreciated in my relationship with my mother-in-law.

There were so many issues with her care over the last 12 years that weighed both Janet and me down. Here are a few of them:

Feeling guilt at times for not having her live with us like some families do.

Poor care at her assisted living facility because of constant turnover in staff.

Time consuming reporting requirements for Medicaid

A tussle with the VA over her veterans benefits that still haven’t been settled.

Several trips to the ER in the middle of night for one thing or another, and then worrying would the assisted living facility let her return or not.

Janet coming home on occasion and crying after being with her mom, and seeing the decline and deaths of other residents of the facility, not to mention the decline of her own mother.

On two separate occasions another resident in the facility hitting Elda across the face.

A roommate that made living conditions very uncomfortable for Elda, and visiting times for Janet most unpleasant.

Her mother begging Janet not to leave her when it was time for Janet to head for home.

Taking Elda to the Eye doctor for a hour appointment that took ⅔ of the day because of the logistics of getting her in and out of the car, and back and forth to the doctors office.

And through everything Elda was as pleasant as good can be. Because of her dementia, she had almost no awareness of the drama going on around her, or the strain on Janet. She would be appalled if she knew the toll this was taking on Janet.

Many of you with elderly parents have similar stories. Ours is not unique. It comes with the territory. We could all have a reality show together. Maybe get a bus and go on tour together.

But then there were many good things, too. The sparks of joy when her mother would smile at Janet and say she loved her.

When she and Janet would do a duet of “You Are My Sunshine.”

And then there was the last two days just recently before Elda “transitioned,” as they call it.

The facility was admitting no one, because of the Covid-19 pandemic, but they called Janet and strongly encouraged her to come visit her mother. They allowed her to stay in Elda’s room, and stay overnight on Friday. They were so kind and compassionate with Janet.

During this time there was some agitation in Elda, and her calling out for her mother.

Seeing her breathing slowing down. Several injections of morphine.

Then there was the beautiful moment of Janet FaceTiming with her sister Jeanne in North Carolina so she could say her good byes to her mom from a distance. And then Janet and Jeanne chatting away like they did when they were kids, with their mom lying in her bed taking it all in. And not taking it all in.

Throughout the day on Saturday, a steady decline and the hospice nurse saying death was imminent. Restless legs. One eye opens, the other shut.

And then, then, there was the peace that came over Elda and the smile across her face. A smile Janet said was her mother’s signature smile, a smile she will never forget.

And the calm that came over Janet’s heart as she watched her mother slowly leave her body, her home for the past 96 years, to move on to her new heavenly home for the rest of eternity.
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I came to pick Janet up from the facility that Saturday night, a little before midnight after Elda had passed on to the next life. On the way home Janet talked several time of the peace she had, and how her mother’s end could not have gone any better. We spoke of the joy of holy moments like this, even in the midst of sadness and loss. Janet said it felt like 16 tons had been lifted from her shoulders.

When we got home, I shared the joy I felt. “Janet, do you remember what day it is.”

“Yes, it’s April 4th.” Then pausing. “The same day we found Jesus so many years ago.”

I told her I was thinking about the April 4th connection all day. [Read from page 81 of my book]

My birthfather, Jack E. Byrd, born on April 4th, 1922
Janet and becoming Christ followers - April 4, 1968
Martin Luther King, Jr. - Losses his life - April 4, 1968
Elda Millane - inherits her new life for the rest of eternity - April 4, 2020

Of all the 366 days in 2020, for God to call Elda home to him on April 4th, is for me a picture of God, with a great big smile on his face, pouring a big tall glass of joy, sliding it down the counter to me, and saying,

“Here son, drink up. I got this. Your Elda is getting fitted right now with a new body that includes a heart that works perfectly, and a new brain that remembers EVERYTHING. I know you’re sad. I know you’ll miss her. And I also know you want the best for her.

But this is her day, her moment in the sun. On April 4th, just like it was your day and Janet’s day, on your April 4th 52 years ago. So drink up, and enjoy the joy! And happy April 4th to everyone of us.”

You wouldn’t think you’d find joy on a death bed. But if you’re a person of faith, and so is your loved one, it’s there if you just focus and look for it.

If you forget everything else from today’s episode, here’s the one thing I hope you remember. Our show in a sentence

When we know Jesus well, even in the midst of grief or unspeakable sorrow, Joy can be found in one of the most difficult relationships of all, our relationship with death of a loved one who knows Jesus, too.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show.

How are you living today that is preparing you for your last days on earth? What can you do now, while there is still time, to foster your relationship with God that will give confidence to those you leave behind that your final destination will be with Jesus in heaven?

Closing

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

~ From C.S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia, “The Last Battle.”

“All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.”

That’s all for today. See you next week. Good Bye for now.

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Welcome to today’s episode where today we look at several examples of how people are reaching out and caring for each other during our present day global health crisis. Hopefully these stories will inspire you to do the same.

I mentioned in last week’s episode, no.57, that a crisis like we are experiencing now in the spring of 2020 creates opportunities for us to find goodness in our relationships with people.

I have also found some relational goodness in humor in these difficult times.

Here are several examples:

Facebook post 1:

Until further notice: No one can stop by unannounced. We ain’t sick, we just don’t trust you around our toilet paper.

Facebook post 2:

“Kiss Me - I’m Irish” green sign written in some sort of a Gaelic font with the obligatory shamrock. The “Kiss Me” is crossed out with a big black X, and above it is its substitute: “Wave to me from at least 6 feet away.”

Toilet paper evangelism. We delivered rolls to the college kids next-door :) ~ from webinar listener

I also found a Facebook post from a 5th grade teacher, with 2 small children at home. Like most teachers these days, she’s at home because of the coronavirus pandemic. She recently posted the following on Facebook:

“While you are homeschooling/remotely/digitally educating your kids, if you need assistance with understanding something that has been assigned for your child, or if you need more resources, just give me a shout. (Teachers copy, edit and paste!)”
So thank you for that, Emily D., 5th grade teacher and mother of 2.
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KIDS
Found this on GMCN, (Global Missionary Care Network) for Missionaries

“Welcome to At Home Together. This site has been put together to help support families who find themselves having to temporarily do all of life at home due to the current situation. People are sharing resources in places like facebook but they tend to get lost in the feed. The aim with this blog is to catch resources and put them in one place.
If you know any families who are having to do life at home with children out of school please share this with them.”
I’ll have a link to this web site in the show notes as “At Home Together.”

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KIDS

A YouTube video to help children understand the coronavirus and what they can do. I’ll have it the show notes as “The Yucky Bug”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZD9KNhmOCV4&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR1FKeumD9SXVua2o7uqsotroOBftjNeoxl0y4yBAZ2xoNwqaVN1uTHYqEU

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KIDS

Facebook post

“Most young kids will remember how their family home felt during the coronavirus panic more than anything specific about the virus. Our kids are watching us and learning about how to respond to stress and uncertainty. Let’s wire our kids for resilience, not panic”
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KIDS

Here’s a creative action a grandmother took recently. I found out about it in the chat section of a webinar I was listening to:

“I have to say that I can finally say that I “created” a closed FB group for my granddaughters and young neighbors and I read books to them from the children’s books I have on hand. It seems to have been another tool in the toolbox parents of young parents. It’s called Nonni’s Reading Nook. 🙂 “ ~ Webinar listener
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If you forget everything else from today’s episode, here’s the one thing I hope you remember. Our show in a sentence

A crisis, whether it’s global, national, or on the street where we live, is a great opportunity to give people a picture of who Jesus is as we care and serve others.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show.

Ask God for wisdom for what you can do to care and serve others. Considering your God-given abilities, what do you think the Lord Jesus would want you to do in these trying times. Maybe it’s just to hunker down with your kids, and nothing else. Maybe it’s to reach out to others. Just ask him. He’ll show you.

You can also be on the look-out for other examples of relational goodness occurring around you. I love to hear about what you find. Feel free to send me an email to john@caringforothers.org, or share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes

Closing

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

Martin Luther lived through The Black Death plague, that killed an estimated 25 million people, which was one fourth to one third of the entire population of Europe. in 1527, he wrote these wise words that can help inform the way we approach things happening in our world right now...

“I shall ask God mercifully to protect us. Then I shall fumigate, help purify the air, administer medicine and take it. I shall avoid places and persons where my presence is not needed in order not to become contaminated and thus perchance inflict and pollute others and so cause their death as a result of my negligence. If God should wish to take me, he will surely find me and I have done what he has expected of me and so I am not responsible for either my own death or the death of others. If my neighbor needs me however I shall not avoid place or person but will go freely as stated above. See this is such a God-fearing faith because it is neither brash nor foolhardy and does not tempt God."

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

“At Home Together.”

“The Yucky Bug”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZD9KNhmOCV4&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR1FKeumD9SXVua2o7uqsotroOBftjNeoxl0y4yBAZ2xoNwqaVN1uTHYqEU

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Hello everyone and welcome to today’s episode where today we reflect on the impact the coronavirus is having on our relationships. There’s no shortage of information about the virus itself. How it’s affecting our physical health, advice how to take care of our self, the impact on the economy, and the disruption in our normal daily life.

I don’t want to talk about any of that. Instead, I want to talk about what I mentioned in my Every Wednesday email from last week where I asked listeners to share with me examples of anything positive they have seen coming out of the coronavirus health crisis we are in. I asked for specific, concrete stories , anything that someone saw, heard, or experienced that would encourage people.

So today’s episode is all about the positive, all about the goodness found in the challenging times we are in.

So here’s the first response:

A listener by the name of David writes:

“I have been working from home and have been able to see my daughter more than usual and have witnessed firsthand how hard Brittney works as a stay at home mom! It has been a blessing to have this time with them and not rush out the door every morning. “

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From a listener who wishes to remain anonymous:

My wife called both our elderly widowed neighbors just to check in and make sure they had what they needed and were doing OK; they were surprisingly calm and offered to share their supplies if we needed anything
My wife has also been sharing (digitally) devotional teachings with friends from our gym who are struggling with anxiety
I purposely have gone out several times in the past few days to the grocery stores, Starbucks, etc. and observing people thanking grocery workers for serving people

In our ministry we're ramping up our efforts this week just to check in with as many of our donors as possible, just to make sure they're doing OK and have some relational connect, and people seem grateful to be hearing from people (of all the negatives of digital media, the ability to stay connected relationally even when not able to physically seems to be an unexpected blessing)
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I came across the following Facebook post recently:

"Many years ago, a student asked the anthropologist Margaret Mead what she considered to be the first sign of civilization in a culture.The student expected that she would talk about hooks, clay pots or cave art.

But no. She said that the first sign of civilization in an ancient culture was a broken and healed femur.

Mead explained that in the animal kingdom, if you break your leg, you die. You can't run from danger, go to the river to drink water or hunt food.

You are fresh meat for predators. No animal survives a broken leg long enough for the bone to heal.

A broken femur that healed is evidence that someone had time to stay with the one who fell, treated the wound, took the person to safety and took care of her until she recovered.

'Helping someone during difficulty is where civilization begins', said Mead."
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Help for the anxious.

People who struggle with anxiety during less stressful times than we are in now, have most likely broken their worry-meter from over use at the present time.

But someone has developed something that could very well help them. It’s a YouTube Video with Bible verses that deal with anxiety. It’s 2 hours and 43 minutes of a woman with a very soothing voice simply reciting Bible verses that speak to the issue of worry and anxiety. The verses are repeated, but there are enough of them, you barely notice they’re looped to last over 2 hours.

In the background you hear and see a waterfall. It’s very calming. It may open with an ad, but just click on the “skip ads” button you’ll see.

https://youtu.be/1E3ytLd7uJA

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Single people

From a Facebook Group for missionary caregivers I found this post:

“If you are on the field, and needing to self isolate due to Coronavirus; kindly remember to check in on the singles among you. There is a stark difference between isolating with a spouse (and possibly children) than isolating alone.
Singles, be sure to reach out to others through your preferred means of communication. Others cannot meet needs if they are not aware of them. 14 or more days without contact with others is not good for anyone.

May God bless all. This COVID-19 is a tremendous opportunity to let the world around us to see the love of Christ through us. May He, and He alone be glorified.”
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Business

ConvertKit, an email service provider similar to Mail Chimps. Set up a $50,000 fund to help their small business clients whose businesses have taken a nose dive because the impact of the virus on our economy.

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BUSINESS

Ask yourself, “What does this make possible?” ~ Michael Hyatt

“What new products or services are possible in this context? What efficiencies can be gained from having a remote team? What can I accomplish with the time gained from travel or event cancellations?

Start thinking about possibilities, and they will begin to appear. "

The same can be said about our relationships. During these unusual times of social distancing, What does this make possible in our relationships? Start thinking about the possibilities and they will appear.
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Peggy Noonan “Declarations” Column, March 21, 2020, Wall Street Journal, “We Need Time to Absorb All This.”

She won the 2017 Pulitzer Prize for commentary

Has been writing this Saturday morning column since 2000; living in New York City

Read my edited version of her article

Love her “an attitude for the journey:” Trust in God first and always. Talk to him.

Click here to read her unedited column.
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If you forget everything else from today’s episode, here’s the one thing I hope you remember. Our show in a sentence

Every challenge we face has embedded within it a choice. With Covid-19, we can choose to wring our hands, retreat, and just wait things out in fear. Or we can choose to taken advantage of opportunities to strengthen our relationships with people.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show.

We can look for the goodness in people, we can make them laugh, we can check in on them to let them know they’re not alone in all this. We can choose to bring out the best in ourselves.

We can choose to follow Peggy Noonan’s advice: “Trust in God first and always. Talk to him”

I’d love to hear about how this goes for you. Feel free to send an email to me, john@caringforothers.org, or share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

I’m going with the comment from Peggy Noonan’s column, and embrace her attitude and make it true for me too. It’s the last line in her article:

I just want to get out and help in some way. Isn’t that what you feel? We all just want to pitch in.

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

“Bible Verses for Anxiety and Worry - https://youtu.be/1E3ytLd7uJA

Peggy Noonan's "We Need Time to Absorb All This"

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 56, where today we consider one relationship that affects all others. Our relationship with our self, and how we think.

In the last few episodes, 54, The Greatest Obstacle to Relationships and 55, How to Overcome our Greatest Relationship Obstacle, we talked about the relational disease of self-centeredness, and how we can be cured of it by letting God transform us into a new person by changing the way we think.

The cure comes from the apostle Paul who wrote in Romans 12: 2 “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.”

How we think affects our behavior. It affects our emotions. It affects how we relate to other people. How we think affects EVERYTHING.

In this episode I’ll be sharing several examples of how this works, so you can get an idea of how changing your thinking could transform you into a new person. The person God wants you to be. Listen in.

One way God changes the way we think is by bringing into our lives people who disagree with us, who think differently than we do. A recent example is my 16 year-old grandson, Nathan. He was the listener I mentioned in a recent episode, #53 An Inconvenient Relationship Reality, from South Carolina who disagreed with my view of the Princess Diana Relationship quote of that week, “I don’t go by a rule book, because I lead from the heart, not the head.”

Nathan is not a disagreeable person; we agree on most things. But he isn’t afraid to challenge my thinking from time to time. I like that about him; it takes strength of character to offer an opinion different than someone else, and then to back it up with sound reasoning. People who think differently from the way we think is a tool God uses to transform us into the best version of ourselves.
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Another transformation by changing how we think is an example from a doctor friend of mine, Dr. Timothy Allen.

He emailed an article to me that he wrote and had published in Today’s Christian Doctor. It’s about his journey into addiction medicine.

His thinking changed from the 1st paragraph to 3rd paragraph….from finding his drug-addicted-pregnant-women-patients irritating …..to getting online training to care for them…..so counter to the custom and behavior of this world….

When he saw a need, he applied scripture to guide his THINKING, which in turn changed his behavior.

Tim let God speak to him through the words of Jesus in the Gospel of Matthew, “And the king will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me." Matthew 25:40.

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The third and final example of letting God transform us into a new person by changing the way we think has to do with forgiveness. I wrote about in my book THEM. Forgiving my parents as a 19-year old college freshman on that Greyhound bus late on a Friday night coming into Milwaukee on I-94 at the crest of a hill. The Spirit of God transformed me that night.

The main point in these 3 stores is more about “Let God” than about changed thinking. We can only have changed thinking if we let God do his work in our lives. We have to be willing to allow God’s agenda supersede our own.

It’s a sacrifice to relinquish control of our lives to God, as Paul reminds us in verse 1 of Romans 12. It’s a sacrifice to be willing to change how we think.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode.

We don’t have to try harder to become the person God wants us to be. We just need to give up control, allowing God to change us by using other people - scripture - and his spirit to change us in whatever way he chooses.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show.
How would you like to change? What transformation would you like to see take place in your life? Are you willing to make the sacrifice of relinquishing control of your life to God, so he can bring about the transformation you desire?

Imagine what you your life would be like if you just “Let God do the work of transforming you.” Especially in the area of your relationships

I’d be interested in your thoughts about today’s episode. You can share them in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing

And Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

Go out and make friends with people who don’t look like you.

~ Karem Abdul-Jabbar

His quote reminds me of episode 43, “Thankful for People Different From Me.”

How refreshing, and how counter to the behavior and customs of this world.

Look for shorter people, younger people, people with a thick head of hair, and oh, yeah, people of a different race and skin color ( Karem Abdul-Jabbar, is course, African-American)

If you'd like to read the article by Dr. Timothy Allen and his journey in addiction medicine, click on this link:

My Unexpected Journey into Addiction Medicine

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 55 where today we talk about the solution to the most dreaded relational virus that has plagued human beings since we first walked this earth.

Self-centeredness.

Listen in.

Show outline

Episode 54 last week was about a newspaper article where the writer talked about “‘ME-ism’ as a serious problem spreading across the land.” Namely people too absorbed in their own life to inquire into the life of another.
The bible, in Romans 12: 2 calls this problem , “The behavior, customs, and pattern of this world."
This problem has been with us a very long time.
The newspaper article highlighted the problem in the context of how poorly we listen to each other, and our lack of curiosity about what other people are thinking, feeling, and experiencing.
We also see self-centeredness in the many manifestations of pride and conflict in every day life
We see it so easily in others, yet it’s so difficult to recognize selfishness in ourselves
My friend Morrie described it recently as “we are spring-loaded to focus only on our self.”
Imagine what would happen if we could rid the world of self-centeredness, just think what it could do for marriages, for conflict at work, for bullying on the playground at school.
Imagine if all our relationships were completely void of selfishness?
Wouldn’t it be great if there was a vaccine for self-centeredness like there is for polio, and like we wish we had at the present moment for the Coronavirus virus spreading across the globe?
This episode is first airing in the middle of Lent in 2020. If there was ever something we could give up right now to draw us closer to God, leading up to Easter, it would be our self-centeredness.
But we all know this is easier said than done

The Solution

Fortunately, for people of faith there is answer to “ME-ism” that is not as hard to come by as one might think.
I can tell you the answer is not found in trying harder
It’s not about getting other people to change
Rather, St. Paul gives us the answer in the same verse in Romans 12 that identifies our problem when he says,

“Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.” Romans 12:2

What a profound solution to the problem of selfishness!
It’s not something we can do on our own. It requires God to do the transforming, not anything we can conjure up on our own.
God does the work; not us.
What a freeing thing it is to have God change us, by changing how we think.
What a load off our backs!

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode.

We are born self-centered. It’s hard-wired into the fabric of our being, but we don’t have to remain that way. We can change by calling upon God to cure us of this relational disease by asking him to transform us into a new person by changing the way we think.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show

To eradicate the disease of self centeredness in our life, we have to first want to be healed of this malady. If our “want” is not quite there yet, but we desire it to be, all we have to do is ask God to give us the right motive.
Ask the Lord to do the work of changing our heart, as Paul writes in Philippians 2: 13,

“For God is working in you, giving you the desire power to do what pleases him.”

This is the spiritual vaccine we need to protect us from the virus of our own self-centeredness.
The Holy Spirit will help us monitor ourselves and change our thinking - and the behavior that flows out it, that is more aligned with God’s plan for us.

As always, another thing you could do is tell me and your fellow listeners what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you in your various relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

Dance like no one is watching, because they’re not. They’re all checking their cell phones.

~ Birthday card from a friend

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Hello and happy March 4th to everyone who is listening in real-time today, March 4th, 2020. If you haven’t yet decided where you want to march forth today on March 4th, I have a suggestion for you at the end of the show.

But before we get into today’s topic, the greatest obstacle to our relationships, a listener from South Carolina asked if I would explain what he called “my strong reaction to the relationship quote” from last week’s show, episode 53. You may recall the quote came from Princess Diana, who said, “I don’t go by a rule book, because I lead from the heart, not the head.”

[ I read SC listener response, and then my reply]

2nd person who brought this up
I was thinking more about her relationship to leadership principles than interpersonal relationships
Another of her quotes, “Only do what your heart tells you.”
At the end of today’s show I have a relationship quote from another famous Brit that I wholeheartedly endorse, so stay tuned for that

So much for last week’s show, it’s time to move on to today’s episode 54, where we will examine the greatest obstacle to experiencing the kind of relationships we were made for. Because once properly identified, we can then deal more effectively with this relational roadblock in order to experience the joy God wants for us in our relationships

Introduction

The apostle Paul tackles this subject in the 12th chapter of the Book of Romans in the Bible. In verse 2 he writes, “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world.” That’s how the New Living Translation of the Bible translates it.

Other versions read

“Do not be conformed to this world”
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world” or
“Do not conform to this age”

Regardless of the version you go with, and they’re all quite similar, and it raises the question

Exactly what are the behavior and customs, or pattern of this world in the age in which we live?

The answer to this question in my mind reveals the greatest obstacle to experiencing the life-giving relationships we were all made for.

Listen in and let’s discover together exactly what this formidable foe is to our relationships.

I start with the premise that because the Bible was written for all people, for all cultures, for all time periods of history, we have to consider what Paul is talking about that is universal to the human condition.

What’s the” behavior, pattern and customs of this world” that is true now, and was true in Paul’s day in the 1st century. And which is true in all cultures, and true of all mankind, at all stages of history.

I’ve got a story that I think will shed some light on this.

[Listening talk I gave at a church awhile back]

At the break, a man with a USA today newspaper and an article he read on the plane
Read “One Question, Why Aren’t You Asking Me Any”
Questions I asked the audience:
When was the last time someone asked you a question that went beyond how are you?, and that was about YOU and nothing to do with the questioner and information he or she wanted? What were you asked, and how did you react inside?
Why do we ask so few questions of each other?
Think of the conversations you typically have with friends in relaxed social settings. What would you guess is the percentage of time spent in those conversations that involve people asking questions of each other?

I would have to go along with the columnist for USA Today, and cast my vote for “ME-ism” as the behavior and custom of the world both today and the 1st century. Self-centeredness is the biggest obstacle to healthy relationships. It affects all of us.

You see it in 3 broad areas of the human experience;

How poorly we listen to each other. Thread that ran through MC2 conference
Pride - the source of all conflict, per Fighting for Peace by Dennis D. Morgan
Lack of curiosity about other people and our relationship to the world,

While “ME-ism,” our self-centeredness is a significant obstacle to our relationships, it can be overcome. We’ll talk about how to do this in next week’s episode, #55.

But for now, If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our show in a sentence

We are far more self-centered than we realize. The more aware we become of this enemy to our relationships, and the more we take steps to battle it within us, the greater fulfillment we will find in our relationships.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show.
Ask yourself, “to what extent does ‘Me-ism’ permeate my life?” Because of the fall, it’s afflicts us all. It’s baked into the pattern and customs of all people - from all cultures since the beginning of time.

And where do you see your self-centeredness rearing it’s ugly head in YOUR life? Where do you see it how you listen to people? In your pride? In the level of curiosity you have about people?

And let’s march forth, starting today, March 4th, in our relationships - free of our self-centeredness.

As always, feel free to let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your various relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

Selfishness is the greatest curse of the human race. ~ William E. Gladstone

(Gladstone served for 12 years as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, spread over four terms, beginning in 1868 and ending in 1894)

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 53 where today I talk about an “inconvenient truth” concerning relationships. I like this term first coined by Al Gore about his view of climate change. Regardless of your view of Al Gore’s comments, there are also inconvenient truths about relationships. Today’s episode is about one of them.

If you have ever spent any significant time around children, do you remember the times your heart ached for them when they discovered that life can be harsh? Where they experienced the sadness of relational pain?

And loss of innocence doesn’t stop with childhood. Let me share a story that illustrates this, and then a way we can best deal with this inconvenient relationship reality.

Show Outline

Trip to visit our daughter in SC, when back home we had a 7” snowfall
Son, Michael texted, have you made arrangements for the snow?
He sent George, our 18 year-old grandson, over the next day to shovel. I hadn’t shown him how to use our snowblower
I told George just to clear a path to the garage for our car, and I would finish the rest with our snowblower when I got home.
George texted me when he was finished and said, “It was some of the heaviest snow I’ve ever shoveled, but I got it done.”
We returned home a few days later and I stopped over to pay him.
At the end of a conversation about some small talk regarding other things, George brought up his shoveling experience again and said,

"I was out there a long time shoveling, and after awhile, I wondered why none of your neighbors stopped over to ask if they could help. I mean, when our neighbor Mrs. Fibeena was alive, Grant and I would always shovel her driveway. And our neighbor Don across the street, we shoveled the driveway for him, and now for his wife since he died last year. But none of your neighbors offered to help shovel.

At least 24 hours had passed since the snowfall ended, and all the other driveways in the neighborhood were snow-free. But not ours.
The tone of George’s voice was genuine surprise that no neighbors offered to help out with a need another neighbor had. It was so contrary to his experience, where he lived 3 miles away that he and his brother (and sister) were used to. “We help our neighbors” is a value his parents are raising him with.
He wasn’t complaining or whining at all. His wistful comments came across to me as a sociological observation and reflection upon human nature, with a twinge of sadness to it.
My heart ached for George, that he saw this side of human nature about our neighbors that was so contrary to his own experience. I even briefly thought "maybe we better move.”
I know George sees this side of humanity on a daily basis with his peers. He’s no stranger to seeing the less flattering side of the human condition.
But his surprise with our neighbors’ lack of help showed that at 18 years of age he’s lost another measure of childhood innocence. That people you would have thought would have been there for you, other adults, were not. I also sensed he was feeling bad for me, that these were the kind of neighbors we have. My heart ached for his kind and tender heart.
George knew what our former neighborhood was like; he saw it first hand, with people like Kevin who lived across the street.
In our former neighborhood, Kevin and I cleared driveways of snow for 3 neighbors. They were all older than us. Kevin did more than me.
When my mother died in March years ago, we had a late winter snowfall of 3-4 inches the day of her funeral. I didn’t have time to snow blow the driveway before the service, as we had to leave in a hurry. But when we got home later that day, Kevin or one of the other neighbors had cleared our driveway of snow. No one asked them to. They just did it. Because our snow covered driveway told people something was wrong, so they stepped in to help.
Getting back to George’s observation, I can imagine all kinds of legitimate reasons why people didn’t help.
If any of them would listen to this podcast, I’m sure they’d have a reasonable explanation for not helping out
Some of them might even be irritated at me for suggesting someone should have helped. After all it’s not my neighbor’s responsibility to keep my driveway clear of snow.
The fact I helped clear their drive a few times, doesn’t mean they owe me a return favor. I certainly get that.
I don’t want to be critical, I just want to make an observation. And that is in this one instance with George, our current neighborhood personified what the Apostle Paul writes in Romans 12: 2, “Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world.” The pattern of this world, at least in our neighborhood, is NOT to help others in a jam. Keep to yourself. Take care of #1. Don’t extend yourself. That’s the behavior and custom of this world.”
We have nice people in our neighborhood. People are cordial and respectful of one another, and I suspect there are examples of caring and helping others that I’m not aware of.
Nevertheless, my heart still aches a bit for George. And it may very well be my heart aches more for myself than him.
George is a very caring person, you might remember me talking about him in an earlier episode, how even as a first or second grader, he would hold open the door to his school to let teachers and other adults enter before him.
I notice in caring people, and myself, that every now and then. Not often, but every now and then, you wonder, “When is it going to be my turn? When are people going to care for me, the way I care for them? I wonder if that was what George was feeling when he shoveled snow off our driveway.
I know this thought crosses my mind every now and then, and it can lead to a sense of sadness really quickly.

How are we to respond to this inconvenient relational reality I described?

Ask God for the wisdom and power to:

Resist the temptation to assign bad motives to people who do not care for us the in the way we want to be cared for. Everyone has stuff going on in their lives we are unaware of. Cut people some slack. Extend grace.
Take to heart Philippians 2:4, and obey the command, “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself.”
As Mr. Rogers, Fred Rogers of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood tells us, “look for the helpers.” As adults, look for the helpers and try to be like them. Look for the role models we can emulate.
Become a role model for others. The best version of yourself will have a strong component of caring for others.
Be courageous and ask for help when you need it.
Be okay with the feelings of sadness if they come. Don’t minimize or flee from it. Just sit in for awhile, and before you know it, they will pass. Especially as you move forward with being a caring person yourself.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode.

When people you thought would be there for you, fail to show up, respond with grace. Ask God to help you to be there for others, even if they don’t show up for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Closing

As always, I welcome your thoughts about today’s episode. Maybe you have something to add to it. We all would love to hear from you.

You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

“I don’t go by a rule book, because I lead from the heart, not the head.

~ Diana, Princess of Wales

Can you imagine a dumber thought than this?

Neville Chamberlain’s 1938 quote, “We have peace for our time…”
Churchill’s preposition quote, “That is an outrage up with which I shall not put.”

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 52 where today we hear how listeners are applying the content from this podcast in their daily lives.

At the end of most podcast episodes I often mention that it would be helpful to hear reactions from listeners to the content of that day’s episode. I am especially interested in how listeners are using what we talk about to transform their relationships into the best they can be.

Because when we hear how someone else is putting into practice the ideas and principles we discuss on the show, it can stimulate the rest of us to apply those same ideas and principles - so we can find more joy in our relationships.

Today I have 6 brief stories from listeners that will hopefully do just that for you. Help you to find more joy in your relationships.

So listen in.

The first listener response comes from a missionary who commented on my blog post of January 15, Kindness Before Dawn. In it I tell a brief story that showed how we can encourage people simply by telling them something we remember about them. I asked our readers to think of someone they could encourage by doing the same thing. This particular missionary responded

with the simple words, “Thanks John, I got a couple in mind.” Wonderful! Imagine if we all had a “couple in mind” we could encourage.

By the way, the blog posts I wrote are what I do in-between podcast seasons. They are sent out through my “Every Wednesday” emails. If you’d like to get on my private email list to receive these, go to johncertalic.com/blog and fill out the form you’ll see there. You can also read all my blog posts there.

The 2nd response I want to share with you is from a retired missionary.
All caught up on season 2. “Caught up? You’re never behind”
Response to episode 48, 1st one in season 3, “Worship Without Words”
Recently moved to another part of the country, 1 of more than 30 moves
Quote from her email

“The Lord continues to be my hope and strength.” We can’t do any of this without Him.

Next response is from a young mom with 3 young kids, also writing in about episode 48, "Worship Without Words.” Where I talk about how we worship God through our relationships, not just our singing.

Like me, she can’t sing either. “I have the worst singing voice of all time.”
Self-conscious about it
Quote from her email about how freeing it is to worship with our relationships

A 4th response comes from a seasoned missionary in response to episode 49, “"Sacrifice in Relationships.” It’s a beautiful illustration of the 3 relationships Paul describes in Romans 12, our relationship with God, with our self, and with other people.

The Kleenex stuck to the freshly washed clothes
Interrupts her plans
Asks God “so what’s the lesson?”
Quote the rest of her email.
Her agenda for the day is interrupted by this nuisance with the Kleenex. It’s irritating, so she asks God, “What’s the lesson here”
She recognizes the self-gratification she’s seeking in being compassionate to her neighbor
She calls upon the Lord to help her set aside this motive, for the greater good of making the Lord the one who shines in this story, not her. What great self-awareness!

Next up is from another missionary about the same episode 49, we’ll call her “Tina.” She writes,

I love what you said, “A relationship without sacrifice isn’t really a relationship.” Then she goes on to say,

Seems it’s usually the people who are doing the sacrificing that are the ones investing in the relationship.

And too many times the receiver (the one not sacrificing) doesn’t think there’s anything “wrong” with the relationship. Know what I mean.”

This could be a whole podcast episode in itself. I can feel where Tina’s coming from. These one-sided relationships are worse than no relationship at all.

We hope one day the person not sacrificing will realize they are all about taking, with no interest in giving, and then change. But sadly, that rarely happens. And when you as the one who sacrifices sees things for what they are, it can be terribly lonely.

Then the question becomes, what do we do with our loneliness? How does God want us to deal with this? How are we to live with the “takers” in our life? We’ll deal with this in a future episode.

Well on that happy note, here’s the last response I want to share from one of our listeners. It comes to us from Brad, about my January 8th blog post, “Trying to Stop this in 2020.”

Specifically about my desire to stop answering the “Hi, how are you doing?” question with “Fine.” You remember what

“F.I. N.E.” stands for don’t you? Feelings Inside Not Expressed.

Brad is a recently retired carpet distributor, and wrote this:

[Read his email , Shaw-mazing, Shaw-some, Shaw-tastic]

Some on our staff are adapting this when people ask how we are doing:

Me: “I’m John-top of the world! How about you?”
Fran, our receptionist: “Fran-tastic”
Sean, our men’s locker room attendant: “Sean-some”
Terry, Carol’s husband and our sound engineer: “I’m Terri-ific!”
Rex, our doorman: “Rex-cellent!”

As Brad said. “I would usually get a smile or a laugh.” Humor has a way of breaking down barriers and bringing in a little relational sunshine into our lives.

In my headhunting days, when I was trying to recruit someone for a particular search assignment I was working on, I would often hear, “Nah, I’m not interested in that job. I’m pretty happy where I’m at.”

I would then sometimes respond with, “Would you like to be happier?”

People would sometimes chuckle, and no one ever changed their mind, but that was okay. It added a little levity to both of our days.

Here’s what I learned today. Here’s what struck me

The relationship principles we’re dealing with in this podcast have all different kinds of applications, some I never would have thought of. It encourages and motivates me to try what others are doing to find joy in their relationships.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our show in a sentence

It’s encouraging to hear what other people are doing to transform their relationships into the best they can be. When I pay attention to how other people work at transforming their relationships, it gives me hope that maybe I can improve mine.

Here are a few ideas for what you can do in response to today’s show.

I say this just about every week, but I would love to hear how you’re using the content of the podcast in your relationships. Our other listeners would too, because we can learn from each other - as I hope you have today in hearing from other listeners.

You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage: anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are. — Augustine of Hippo (theologian for parts of the 4th and 5th centuries)

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Welcome to episode 51 where today we consider a hidden benefit of good relationships. A benefit I bet few of us have ever considered.

Not too long ago I was on the search team for our church looking for a new worship director. Part of the process, as you can imagine, is interviewing candidates, and the way we did it was to schedule initial interviews over Skype with them.

One night our team was in the middle of interviewing a candidate when our pastor, as a member of the search team, asked what I thought was a most unusual question. He asked the candidate,

“If you couldn’t use music, how else would you lead our congregation in worship?”

What a great question, I thought! The candidate’s answer wasn’t anything memorable, but after he finished responding, I felt like jumping out of my seat, thrusting my arm in the air and shouting, Hey, everyone. Look no further! Hire me! I can do this job! If I don’t have to deal with all the music stuff, I could do a really good job! I’m your guy!

Fortunately, I did not act on my feelings, and instead remained silent. But all I could think of the rest of the night was how I would answer the question of

“If you couldn’t use music, how else would you lead our congregation in worship?”

You see, I had recently been reflecting on Romans 12, the most relational chapter in the whole Bible, as I mentioned in episode 48, “Worship Without Words.”

I see 3 distinct sections in chapter 12, all of which are about a specific kind of relationship:

vs. 1-2 How we are to relate to God
vs. 3 How we are to relate with our self
vs. 4-21 How we are to relate to other people

These 3 kinds of relationships are all in the context of vs.1 where Paul urges us to present our bodies as a living and holy sacrifice to God. Since relationships are a big part of all that we are as a human being, they can be seen as a means of sacrifice and worship to God.

So all of this is on my mind, this thing about relationships and worship, from which I would answer our pastor’s question of

“If you couldn’t use music, how else would you lead our congregation in worship?”

I would answer the question by starting off talking about the Sunday morning worship service, with no music of any kind (whew! I wouldn’t have to sing or play an instrument, or even clap in rhythm. This is a real life saver.)

Instead of opening prelude…….videos of people having in-depth substantive conversations with each other, especially about last week’s sermon

After announcements …. people would make appointments to meet with each other after church or during the week to just listen to each other.

Scrape the idea of simply greeting each other, or offering the bond of peace. Too superficial.

Instead of music during the offering….take prayer requests from the pulpit. I’d also talk about giving of your financial resources during this time, and how we relate to our money. I think I’d say something about money more often than most pastors.

Instead of a song after the sermon …. 3 people come to the front to discuss briefly how God spoke to them from the message.

Instead of a benediction ….there would a relational call to action based on the sermon. Maybe question to ask one’s self, or each other.

There would be no more worship wars. No service for Baby Boomers plus, and then another for Millennials.

And then during the rest of the week there would be other relational things we would do as a worship team

Instead of worship team rehearsal with all that music stuff….the team would gather and pray for the relationships in the congregation. Pray for healing needed in relationships. Prayer in praise of relationships improving and going well.

I’d have the worship team out meeting with our church people, asking them how they’re doing. Praying for them, walking with them down whatever path the Lord has for them.

I’d have the worship team focus on Romans 12:4-21, getting to know people in our congregation. Encouraging them to use the gifts God has given them. Weeping with them. Rejoicing with them.

Here’s what I learned today. Here’s what struck me

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our show in a sentence

Worship is a lot more than singing songs on Sunday morning. We can take our praise and worship of the Lord to another level when we focus on our relationships and offering them as a sacrifice to God - all throughout the week.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show

Ask God for his help in making your relationships the best they can be. Ask him for his direction in tangible, practical things you can do in one or more of your relationships to make them worthy as a sacrifice to him.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

Those who wish to sing always find a song. ~ Swedish proverb

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 50 where today we consider three reasons for why relationships are worth the work they take to grow and maintain.

Before we get into this, I know some of our listeners aren’t aware of my private email list I use to send a brief email every Wednesday. It’s my Every Wednesday email that offers an insight, thought, or tip to find more joy in your relationships.

To get access to my Every Wednesday email, just go to johncertalic.com/podcast, and fill in the blue and while form you’ll see on the page.

Back now to the topic for today’s show. Do you ever wonder if relationship are worth it? Even in the best of circumstances, they can be a lot of work. Misunderstandings. Unmet expectations. Communication breakdowns. Hurts, etc. Are relationships worth the work they take?

In last week’s episode, "Sacrifice in Relationships," We saw in Romans 12 of the New Testament the apostle Paul speaking of how relationships require sacrifice for them to work. To sacrifice means we have to give up something. And it has to be something important. It’s not like a veagn or vegetarian giving up pork chops for Lent. That’s not a sacrifice at all.

To sacrifice in our relationships means saying no to our natural inclinations.
In the 21 verses of Romans 12, 8 of them are directives to “do not.” All 8 of them are what we naturally gravitate toward in our relationships. Is it worth the effort to counter these proclivities of ours?

Listen in today where we look at 3 reasons why relationships are worth the the effort to make them the best they can be.

I start with the premise that we are all made for relationships. We were made for this. Given this fact, relationships are worth the hard work they require because first of all,

We were made to have a personal relationship with God so we can reflect his image and character.

There’s a wonderful relationship with the Trinity. Father, son, and Holy Spirit. We have the distinct privilege of reflecting the image of God, which is steeped in relationship. Relationships reflect the character of God.

God wants a personal relationship with us. This is the very first thing I learned about God when, as a 19-year-old college freshman, Carol our executive producer told me about him. I talk about this in episode 21, “The Most Important Relationship of All.” I also mention it in chapter 7 of my book, THEM. If God values relationships with human beings this much, maybe I would be wise to do the same.

Among other things, we learn in our relationship with God that he is all about truth. He’s all about forgiveness, grace, and justice. He’s all about love, kindness and compassion, and so many other qualities. We have the privilege of reflecting these and other characteristics of God to people.

When we give people a picture of who God is by how we relate to them, it certainly pleases God, just as Romans 12:1 states.

Secondly, We were made for our relationships to impact the world for good

Relationships are how we leave our mark on the world. Go to most funerals and what’s talked about concerning the deceased is the mark they left on their relationships with people.

Carol’s 97 year-old mother, Emma, died recently and the funeral took place yesterday, the day before this recording.

Gray harried 80-something’s of the ladies guild sang a song in tribute to Emma. The tone of voice of the lady who introduced the song spoke volumes of the depth of the relationship.

Emily, one of the granddaughters, spoke of her love for her grandmother, and how she taught her how to knit a wash cloth.

Pastor described her as “my friend Emma.” He always knew where he stood with her.

If I were still teaching, I would take kids on a field trip to funerals. I’d have them listen to the relationship stories shared. Then we’d talk about them, back in the classroom. What did those stories tell you about that person? What qualities of the deceased were admired? What was not said? What about the funerals where little or nothing was said about the relationships of the deceased?

What do you want said about YOU at your funeral? What are you doing now as a 7 or 17-year old to build relationships with people? What are you doing to impact the world for good through your relationships?

Thirdly, We were made for our relationships to grow us human beings created in God’s image

Our relationships is an important tool God uses to complete the good work he started within us, as mentioned in Philippians 1:6 (he who began a good work in you will complete it…)

Our relationships bring out the best in us, especially when we bring out the best in others.

We learn about ourselves through our relationships. We learn about our self-centerdness in relationships. We learn how to be more loving and compassionate in our relationships. We learn how to both extend, and receive, grace through our relationships.

EXAMPLE:

A staff member took a candid photo of Janet’s mom at the memory care facility where she lives.

It shows Elda feeding her table mate, though she can barely feed herself

There is something deep down in her character that caused her to help someone. Alzheimer’s has robbed her of much, but not this relational quality.

Here’s what I learned today. Here’s what struck me

Life-giving, fulfilling relationships don’t happen by accident. They take work, it takes changing our natural inclination in how we relate to live counter - intuitively. It takes doing the opposite of all the 8 don’t’s Paul talks about in Romans 12.

And they take time. Lots of time…. But it’s worth the work. And it the work that only God can do through us. We need his strength and power to make our relationships the best they can be.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thought, the one idea, I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our show in a sentence.

In spite of their difficulty at times, relationships are worth the effort, because we were made for this. It’s who we are. Without relationships we live a narrow, self-centered life, where we never grow as a person. With them, we have the potential to impact the world for good, one relationship at a time.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show.

Think about one relationship in your life that needs some improvement. Ask God to show you how you could make that relationship just 1% better today. Ask him for the power to do, so it reflect more on him that you.

Closing

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

To have a few amazing friends on this side of eternity, this sometimes grotesque amusement park is the greatest joy. We cannot depend solely on our spouses to dump on, to share our intimate thoughts with or reveal our deepest truths to. Trust me, they have been through enough with us. Our yokes are heavy.

~ Anne Lamont, Almost Everything - Notes on Hope, p. 57

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 49 where today we consider the importance of sacrifice in our relationships.

In episode 48 last week, I made the case that chapter 12 in the Book of Romans is to my way of thinking, the most relational chapter in the whole Bible. There is much we can learn about relationships in the 21 verses of this passage.

It all starts with the first verse in Romans 12, where the apostle Paul says, Therefore, I urge you brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. It is all about our relationship with God. And this relationship is the basis for all other relationships mentioned in the rest of the chapter.

It raises the question of what does it mean to "offer your body as a living sacrifice.” It is an important question that deserves our consideration.

So stay tuned.

Speaking of “stay tuned,” there’s an old salesman adage that goes like this, “Everyone is tuned into radio station Wii-FM.” Wii-FM is an acronym for What’s In It for Me.

Part of the human condition is wanting to know how an action we take is going to benefit us. We always want to know “what’s in it for me?” Before we can answer this question, as it relates to offering our bodies as living sacrifices, we need to define a few terms. The first is “bodies.”

“Bodies” refers not just to our physical structure of bones, skin, and organs, it refers to all of our personhood. It refers to everything that makes us a human being, the physical part of us, as well as the emotional, relational, and spiritual components of our make-up. It includes our behaviors, our feelings, our decisions, our hopes and dreams, our regrets, our preferences, etc. . It’s all of this and more. It’s everything there is that’s about us.

The second term to consider is “living sacrifice.” The Roman audience who received Paul’s letter would have been familiar with dead sacrifices. You know the drill, get a goat, sheep or other animal, then kill it and drain its blood over an altar. Once done, that animal could no longer be offered as a sacrifice because the life of the animal was drained out of it. One and done.

But a living sacrifice is another matter. A living sacrifice can be made over and over again. It’s a metaphor for repeatedly offering up one’s self to God. It’s saying to God, “I’m yours; do with me what you will.”

Taken in the context of the rest of chapter 12 of Romans, Paul’s urging to offer ourselves as a living sacrifice is directed towards our relationships with people. Let me read this passage to you and see if you hear what I hear. Namely, that the overall tone is one of God calling us to live in sacrificial relationship with others.

[Read Romans 12: 2- 3]

I need to stop here for a second. The verses I just read call for us to live in a way that’s not our natural inclination. We want to conform to the pattern of this world. We want to think of our selves highly. It is a sacrifice to do the opposite, but that’s what God is telling us to do. Moving on in the text.

[Read Romans 12:4-21]

To live sacrificially in our relationships is to give of our self to people. To relinquish our desires and rights that we have, for the sake of the well-being of another. To sacrifice our self in a relationship is to defer to another for their benefit. It’s to willingly let part of our life be drained out from us, like the blood from an Old Testament sacrifice, and then transfused into the life of another so they can experience the life God intended for them.

It’s to live counter-intuitively with people, and to do so is a sacrifice, which in turn pleases God, and which in turn is a spiritual act of worship.

Here’s an example:

[The story of my sister Judy, arranging a family reunion with her siblings to reunite everyone with their father. Some who had not seen or communicated with him in over 30 years. A distant abusive man. Judy sacrificed her own emotional well-being to pull this off. A detailed account of it is found in my book, THEM, pp. 60-62]

The thing I like about this story is the relational sacrifice Judy made to bring everyone together. The neglect and literal abandonment of her father, our father, did not stop her from attempting to create some relational goodness in such a crazy disjointed family. She ran the risk of being rejected again, of exposing herself to more unkindness and abuse from her father. But she took the plunge and did far more than anyone would ever expect.

Parents should be the initiator with their children when there’s disconnection. That’s a parent’s job, not the child’s role. But Judy sacrificed all that in an attempt to bring about a measure of healing. I’m really proud of her and what she did. What a great model of sacrifice she was for me. It’s inspiring to me, and I hope to you as well.

Here’s what I learned today. Here’s what struck me

It’s a sacrifice to relate well with others. It takes something from us. It’s about resisting our natural inclination to put our needs above the needs of others. It’s not easy, and we need God’s power in our life to do this. Yet when we do it well, it pleases God, and becomes a high form of worship to Him.

A relationship without sacrifice isn’t really a relationship.

God loves other people far more than we do, and when we sacrifice ourselves to love and relate well with, and care for others, we jump on the bandwagon God is driving down the street, and how that must please him.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thought, the one idea, I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our show in a sentence

To enrich our relationships, look for ways to sacrifice for the other person, which in turn will please God and become a spiritual act of worship to Him.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

Think about the people who have sacrificed for you, where they have given up something to help you be the person you are today. And then thank God for bringing those people into your life. And then if you're brave enough, write them a note thanking them for their sacrifice on your behalf.

Closing

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

We all drink from wells we haven't dug. ~ Author unknown

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 48 where today we start Season 3. It’s so good to be back!

I’m generally a person who’s comfortable within my own skin. I’ve never been very good athletically. I’m OK with that. I’m not very good at fixing things. I like to say it’s because I don’t have the right tools. I never buy tools, and don’t accept them as gifts, because if I did, I couldn’t use that as an excuse for not being able to repair anything.

Rather than tools, I have this principle I live by that if something’s broken, wait 2 weeks, and about 10% of the time the problem will fix itself. The one exception is with cars. Car problems rarely ever fix them self. Not too long ago, for example, I had a minor plumbing problem that I didn’t know to fix. So I waited, actually just overnight, and the next morning a solution came to mind that worked. I didn’t have to go looking for help. None of these personal deficiencies, and others like them, get me down.

But there is one thing that does. One quality I lack that I am envious of others who have what’s missing in my life. I know there’s something like this in your life, too. Something you’d like to change about yourself, that you can’t. Something that’s missing that others have that you want for yourself.

Listen in and I’ll tell you how I learned to work through this, because if I can work though it, you most certainly can, too. So here’s the story. I’ve always wanted to be a person who embraces music, especially to sing. But music has never been part of my life.

Don’t listen to music on the radio or on my phone, except at Christmas
Don’t go to concerts
Don’t know how to sing, but always admired people who do
Carol sings well. Heard her the other day from outside our ladies locker room down stairs. It was beautiful
Her husband Terry has a terrific tenor voice that melts butter
I’ve wanted that for my life, because in church, singing is at the heart of worship, and I want to worship God in a meaningful way
But singing in church rarely does it for me. It rarely connects me with God
There are moments when it does, however, when the singing of others will move me to tears. When I go to a performance of Handel’s Messiah each December, that connects me with God, through the singing of others.
Many Christmas Carols connect me with God. Have 7+ hours of Christmas music on my phone.

But it’s all about the singing of others, not my own.

I was especially discouraged about all this until one day I came across Romans 12 in the bible

I’ve read this passage numerous times before, but this time, starting in verse 4, I was amazed how the rest of chapter 12 was so relational.

So many directives on how we are to relate to each other. It is so rich in relationship principles. To my way of thinking it’s the most relational passage of the bible. So steeped in how we can have better relationships. That was the last 17 verses of the chapter.

But then I thought, what about the first 3 verses? Maybe I should look at those verses more closely because they provide the context for the rest of the verses that follow. And that’s when it hit me.

The first 3 verses are about relationships, too. Several very deep relational truths there too. And the one that tipped it over the edge for me was the very first verse. It’s where Paul writes

“Therefore I urge you brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship.”

And what follows this verse, all this relationship stuff, are examples of worship. Nothing at all is mentioned about music or singing. It’s all about how our relationships, when done the way God wants them done, is a means to worship and please him.

This excited me. This discovery has changed how I view worship, and has over time, shaped what I want to do with the rest of my life. It’s to help people please God through their relationships. It’s why I started this podcast. You Were Made for This is about helping people transform their relationships into the best they can be.

Because when that happens, we find joy in life, it’s what we were made for. We were made for this. We find joy in pleasing and worshiping God in our relationships with others, our relationship with God himself, and even in our relationship with our self.

We’ll be looking at all of this in the episodes coming up.

Here’s what I learned today. Here’s what struck me
The way I worked through this desire for musical ability and talent, is to appreciate this quality in others, but to know I don’t have to be like others. That while they worship and please God because how they’re wired and gifted, to know I can please and worship God by another means: relationships.

Music has the power to draw us into a deep relationship with God. But if how we are doing in our relationships isn’t pleasing to God, I don’t see where God is too impressed with our singing and music

If our music is good, but our relationships are bad, we don’t please God at all. He’s more concerned with how we relate than the tunes we sing.

And finally, and most encouraging to me and I hope you too, is that if our singing is bad and out of tune, but our relationships are good and in harmony with God, we worship him well.

If you forget everything else, here’s the one thought, the one idea, I hope you remember from today’s episode

We worship God and please him through our relationships, perhaps even more than the songs we sing and play.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show.

Ask God to show you someone he wants you bless today. Someone you have to sacrifice for, where you get nothing in return, except for the satisfaction that you’re pleasing God. Then ask the Lord for the strength to do so. Ask him to bless that other person through you, where he does the work through you.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

Nearly everything God asks us to do is in the context of relationships.

~ Richard Swenson, M.D.

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Show notes

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 47 where today we revisit the Christmas story from the perspective of Mary, and how the birth of Jesus affected her relationships, because his birth affects our relationships as well.

I don’t know about you, but for me there are lots of things that tire me about Christmas. Reindeer, wrapping paper, lighted Santa Claus figures on neighbors’ lawns, strands of Christmas tree lights with burned-out-bulbs that are time consuming to fix.

How about you? I bet there are things that tire you about Christmas, too.

But one thing I never tire of is the actual real-life Christmas story itself, found in the Gospel of Luke, chapter 2.

I find new things every year in this story that never changes. This year, for example, for the first time I wondered about the sheep that the shepherds left behind to go find the Christ child in Bethlehem. What happened to them? They were left unprotected, or did the angels watch over the sheep while the shepherds were gone. Or did wolves or other predators do them in? And did the shepherds loose their jobs over leaving their post, or was their pay docked?

Not the most profound of questions, to be sure.

Something of far more significance comes near the end of the apostle Luke’s account of the first Christmas Day. Let me read the whole story to you, it’s just 20 verses from the beginning of chapter 2 of Luke’s gospel.

[Read Luke 2:1-20]

I never get tired of reading this familiar story. And this year it’s because of what Luke says about Mary at the end of the passage when the shepherds left to spread the word about what they saw. Mary is next to the manager with her baby, in the quiet of the night, reflecting about what just happened.

Luke then says in verse 19,

“… but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often.”

Here’s what impresses me about this story

Some versions of Luke’s Christmas story translate “kept all these things” in her heart as “treasured” or “pondered” all these things in her heart. However you translate it, the main point this verse makes me think about this year, is what were “all these things” that filled Mary’s heart?

Luke doesn’t come right out and tell us. But in looking at the context, I’d like to suggest one strong possibility. And that is Mary quite possibly was treasuring her relationships in a new and profound way.

It starts with the beginning of vs. 19, “…but Mary…” Everything that came before this important word “but” was about an event of one kind or another. It was the plot of the story, the facts, the details. Then Luke adds a contrast to these facts, with the word “but,” which transitions us to another important aspect of the story. Namely, what is going on in Mary’s heart as she considers the relational implications of these recent events.

First off, she has to be thinking and feeling, “I’m a mother now!” And like most first-time mom’s down through the centuries probably wondering, “How in the world am I going to do this? I don’t have a clue.” She must have thought about this thing often.

More than this mother-child relationship, there was her relationship with God that must have joyfully gripped her heart. I suspect she was thinking something along the lines of “This actually happened. What the angel told me has actually come to pass. It’s really true. God used me to create a miracle, and this is all going to be really, really big, even though I am really, really, small.

“What a wonderful and kind God to finally enter the human race to redeem and reconcile all people to himself. And to use me as part of his plan. I can hardly believe it.” This certainly must have been one of the things Mary treasured in her heart and thought of often.

And then there was her relationship with Joseph. I don’t see how this couldn’t have brought her to tears in thinking about how blessed she was to be in relationship with him. He had every right to break off the engagement when she told him she was pregnant.

“But he believed me,” I can picture Mary thinking, “and he believed the Lord that what I told him about my pregnancy being of God was actually true. What man in his right mind would believe such a thing? Only a man who walked closely with the Lord, and who will be my husband. My Joseph had to endure the sneers and snickers of friends and relatives who took him for a fool in believing me. But he did. And he did it for me, and for God. He believed in me, and in God.”

This too, I imagine she pondered and treasured in her heart and thought of often.

So these are just three relationships that kept her thinking. I wonder about her relationship with her parents, with Joseph’s parents. With her neighbors and townspeople of Nazareth. What were these relationships going to be like moving forward. What was the future going to be like for all of humanity, and my role in it?

Here’s the one thing to remember from today’s episode, our show in a sentence:

Christmas takes on a much richer meaning when we follow Mary’s example and ponder, treasure in our hearts, and otherwise think about often the implications of our relationship with the God of the universe.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show.

Think often about the following questions.

Mary had a deeply intimate relationships with Jesus. What is the state of my relationship with Him. Do I even have a relationship with him?
Who was around me when Jesus came into my life, and what role did they play? Was there a sibling, parent, trusted friend, or a spouse like Mary had? How has my relationship with Jesus affected my relationship with them?
In what condition was I in when Jesus came into my life, and how did He change things?
Mary was pregnant before marriage to Joseph. She must have had her critics. I bet you have some too. How has your relationship with Jesus helped you deal with them?
Mary had Joseph in her life, a man who believed in her when all logic and the opinions of others thought otherwise. Do you have a Joseph in your life you can count on? Someone who trusts you and believes in you when others do not? To whom can you be a Joseph? And if you’re a woman, who can you be a Josephine for?

As always, I’d be interested in what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing

As we close this episode, and along with it, season two, I want to let you know what you can expect over the next several weeks. First of all, Season 3 of You Were Made for This will begin on January 22nd. It seems like a long way off to me, but Carol tells me it’s not.

While the podcast is taking a break, my weekly email to you isn’t. Each one will be very brief and will be about an insight, thought, or tip you can use to find more joy in your relationships. Because they come to you every Wednesday, from now on I’m going to call them my Every Wednesday emails.

If you’re already getting them each Wednesday morning, there’s nothing more you need to do. You’ll still get them. If you’re not getting them, and want to, just go to the show notes of any podcast episode and fill out the 3 fields in the “Get it Every Wednesday form.” You’ll see the form on the right side of the page, as well as at the end of the show notes. johncertalic.com/podcast is where you can find this.

Carol told me to tell we do promise to get the email to you Every Wednesday, even on Christmas Day and New Year’s Day, which are both on a Wednesday this year.

I asked off for Christmas Day, but Carol said “Every Wednesday means every Wednesday. What is it about ‘every Wednesday’ you don’t understand?” I didn’t have a good answer for her. So to help me out, she pasted a “Every Wednesday means Every Wednesday” sticker on my locker downstairs in the employee locker room. All this to say, you will be getting an email from me on Christmas and New Years Day, and all other Wednesdays. Carol’s tough, but fair, and doesn’t expect anything from others she doesn’t expect from herself. So she’ll be working, too, on Christmas.

Now while you won’t be hearing new podcast episodes until January 22nd, there are 46 older episodes you can access any time. You can get them from our website, johncertalic.com certainly. But the You Were Made for This episode listing is displayed in a more readable form in iTunes and Google Play. I’ll put links to both at the bottom of the show notes.

Like all our episodes, each one of the older episodes is designed to help transform your relationships into the best they can be.

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

Luke 2:1-19

I never get tired of this story, I hope you don’t either

That’s all for today. See you next week in my Every Wednesday email. Good bye for now, and season two.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

A listing of all 47 episodes of You Were Made for This from seasons one and two can be found here:

iTunes

Google Podcasts app

Android/PC users

Spotify

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Show Notes

We know all too well that the our relationship with the real meaning of Christmas is so easily lost in the cultural trappings of December 25. It's become more a holiday than a holy day. The real meaning of Christmas is found in our relationship with Jesus in the simple, in the ordinary, which is what today's episode number 46 is all about. To that end, I have a few resources to help with this, which I'll share with you at the end of this episode, so please stick around for that.

I don’t know about you, but as much as I enjoy all the festivities of Christmas, there’s something inside of me that longs for things to slow down, so I can reflect on the real meaning of Christmas.

There are so many things that create the illusion of meaning, that while they contribute to the aura and ambience of Christmas, really have nothing to do with what Christmas is supposed to be about.

The music, watching favorite Christmas movies like It’s a Wonderful Life!, family get togethers, the food, the decorations, and did I mention It’s a Wonderful Life!? I enjoy all of this. A lot. But at times I find it all a bit hollow. I find myself wanting more. I’m pretty sure many of you feel the same.

Where is this Joy to the World we sing about each December?

If you’re a person of faith you know the answer to this already, for the Joy to the World we sing about is because the Lord has come. The real joy is found in Jesus coming to our world, and in doing so, in this most spectacular event in all of human history, he came to ordinary people in an ordinary place.

There’s joy in knowing Jesus came to the ordinary, because we are all ordinary. There’s nothing exceptional about us that isn’t there because God placed it there. Our intelligence, our creativity, talents, gifts, they are all there because of Jesus.

The more we embrace our ordinary-ness, the greater joy we will experience because it gives God more room, a larger playing field, to make something wonderful out of us, which in turn brings glory to Him.

One simple thing we can do this Christmas to embrace our ordinary-ness is to read. What could be more ordinary and simple than that? To read about who we are, who Jesus is, and how we relate to each other. We need to be reminded of this. Now I’m not talking about reading a 900-page Russian novel. I’m thinking something short and to the point. Something just a bit longer that you’d find on the back of a cereal box.

Here’s an example. Four or five years ago I stumbled upon a delightful little devotional book by Mel Lawrenz called Christmas Joy. There’s a brief chapter for each day in December leading up to, and including Christmas. And each of the chapters focus on just one word or concept related to Christmas. It’s really good stuff for calming our hearts in the midst of all the frenetic holiday activities.

Today for example, December 11th, the day this episode is released, Chapter 11 is entitled “Bethlehem.” I’ll read it to you, it’s only six short paragraph.

[Read pp 51-53]

Now that didn’t take long at all, did it? I go through this book, Christmas Joy, every December. You can get it on Amazon, and retail bookstores I’m sure. I’ll have a link to Amazon in the show notes.

Here’s what I’m learning today about finding joy in the ordinary.

It’s important that during this Christmas season we look for joy, not in the glitter and activities that come around once a year, but that we look for joy in the ordinary, in the simple, that’s hiding in plain sight right in front of us all year round.

To do this we need to create some quiet space during the holiday season in order to think, reflect, and anticipate. We may have to be ruthless in doing so. “No” could be your word of the month. You and I could both come up with a list of all the the things that distract us from the real meaning of Christmas. So you don’t need me for that. The point of saying “no” to these things that don’t matter, is so we can say “yes” to the things that do. And you don’t need me to remind you of that either.

What we both need is room for Jesus to speak into our hearts and minds with his gentleness. To show us the quiet path to the Joy found only in Him. And the only way we can accomplish this is through the power of Jesus. We need him to do this for us; we can’t do it on our own.

Here’s the one thing, the main thing, to remember from today’s episode, our show in a sentence:

Embrace our ordinary-ness, for out of it can come something quite wonderful that gives glory to God in the highest.

Here’s what we can do in response to today’s show.

Besides reading the rest of Christmas Joy, by Mel Lawrenz, and doing it slowly and meditatively, there’s a similar book you could read, and that I’m reading for the first time, right now. It’s Kay Bruner’s Comfort Ye My People. It too, has 25 very short chapters, none longer than two pages. Each one is to be read each day leading up to Christmas on December 25.

But unlike Christmas Joy, where the Christmas story in the Gospel of Luke provides the text, Bruner’s book uses key phrases and passages of scripture cited in Handel’s Messiah. I find her commentary on theses passages comforting. On Day 5, for example she write, “I think we need to understand that when we find ourselves broken and in trouble, that’s pretty much normal…What we need is someone to save us and heal us. And we are promised exactly that. Messiah.”

But if reading isn’t your thing this Christmas, how about taking a few moments to listen? It’s such a simple and ordinary thing to do. To listen the thoughts of others as they ponder the great truths of Christmas. I have two suggestions along those lines.

The first is to listen to a new podcast that came out this month, Advent with Jill Briscoe, sponsored by tellingthetruth.org You can get it wherever you get your podcasts by just searching on the title, “Advent with Jill Briscoe.” It’s only 25 days long. The episodes are very short and it’s easy to catch up with all of them before Christmas.

Listening to even just a few of them will help put the Christmas season into its proper perspective.

And the second and last listening option is something I paid $10 for two years ago, that I can use every Christmas. It’s from author and podcaster Emily P. Freeman, It’s a series of 14 brief audio devotionals called “The Quiet Collection”. You can check it out at emilypfreeman.com/christmas/.

It’s still only $10, and for that you get an email each of the 14 days before Christmas with a brief audio reflection on all things having to do with quiet and Christmas. It’s not too late to sign up now. And you can listen in again next year, as I’m doing for the third year now.

I’ve also been listening to her weekly The Next Right Thing podcast since it first came out a year ago or so (this one is free). You might want to check that out too at emilypfreeman.com/podcast/.

I love listening to her soft and soothing voice. Her content is very engaging. It takes me to a deeper place where I can reflect upon the important matters of Christmas, even in the midst of all the things that don’t matter.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Closing

In closing, I want you to know I intended for this to be the last episode of Season Two, with Season 3 to start up again in January. But I’ve got one more Christmas episode I want to share with you next week, and then I’ll let you know what I’ll be doing for you before Season 3 starts. More about that next week.

Our Relationship Quote of the Week

If today is shaping up to be an ordinary day for you - be prepared. That’s the stage on which the acts of God are played. ~ Mel Lawrenz

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in Today’s episode

Books:

Christmas Joy, by Mel Lawrenz

Comfort Ye My People- The Real World Meets Handel’s Messiah, by Kay Bruner

Audio

Advent with Jill Briscoe, sponsored by Telling the Truth

“The Quiet Collection”

Emily P. Freeman’s podcast, The Next Right Thing

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Show Notes

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 45, where today we look at 7 relationship lessons found in the greatest Christmas movie ever made. I never, ever, in a hundred million years, ever want to be known for exaggeration and hyperbole. So it’s going to be a challenge for me to reign myself in when talking about the wonders found in It’s a Wonderful Life!, that 1947 Christmas movie classic staring Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed.

The thing I like about the movie is that while it’s become a holiday tradition for people to watch, it’s more than just one of those Christmas feel good movies. There’s so much relational, and spiritual wisdom, found in this film that’s easy to miss because it’s become so familiar to many of us.

So today I’m suggesting that during this Christmas season, when you watch It’s a Wonderful Life! you look at through the lens of relationships. It will be a much richer experience for you, and the people you watch it with.Let me first remind you of the plot of the movie. The main character, George Bailey, played by Jimmy Stewart, grows up in Bedford Falls prior to WWII. From the time he was young, George was a very popular, engaging person, well-liked by everyone. George had big dreams for himself - to live a life larger than could be lived in a place like Bedford Falls. He talked often about his dream of traveling to far away places where he would work as an engineer to build big things like skyscrapers and bridges.

George grew up in a loving family where his father and uncle ran the Bailey Brothers Building and Loan, a savings institution in competition with the bank in town owned by the antagonist in the movie, Henry Potter. “Old man Potter” as he was called. George’s father, Peter Bailey died suddenly and George puts his plans to go to college on hold to run the savings & loan, while his younger brother Harry goes off to college. The plan was that once Harry graduated from college, he would take over the Building & Loan, so George could leave Bedford Falls to pursue an education and his dreams

On Christmas Eve, Uncle Billy misplaces $8,000 right as a bank examiner shows up for an audit. If the money isn’t found, it will mean bankruptcy, scandal, and jail time for George. He’s beside himself with fear, and it brings out the worst in him. The rest of the film is about how George goes about dealing with this problem, and how others deal with George. If ever there was a movie about relationships, this would be it.

Here are 7 relationship lessons I learned from this movie. I’ll have a list of them in the bottom of the show notes for this episode.

Before is often better than now

Great things happened before we were born. The film came out in 1947, before I was born, and before almost all of you were born. It was not well received by the contemporary culture of its day. It took years for it to become a Christmas classic. Important things in our culture take time to be appreciated. I'm cautioned me to not elevate the contemporary over what has come before. As a culture, we tend to over-value new, at the expense of before.

Often we value the new only because it’s new, and not for any intrinsic value of its own. Christmas is not a time for new. It’s best experienced for it’s before-ness, not its new-ness.

This concept is often true in relationships. We can easily get wrapped up in new relationships, that take us away from relationships that have been years in the making. New isn’t always better than before. Imagine what would happen if we took the energy we pour into new relationships, and instead directed that energy toward reinvigorating relationships that served us well in the past.

People need our prayers

A second thing that struck me in the film is the significant amount of prayer in the movie. There are 3 scenes where we see this

In the opening scenes of It’s a Wonderful Life! I hear 7 different people praying to God, interceding on behalf of George Bailey. They were aware he was in trouble and in need. Makes me wonder about people in my community. Which of them are in trouble and in need of intervention from God? Do we know the important people in our life well enough to know their needs that we could pray for. We are all much needier than we care to admit.
Then in the scene the night of Christmas Eve after George comes home and yells at the kids, kicks over the model bridge in his living room, and throws papers all over the floor, he finally walks out the door. Mary picks up the phone to make a call, while two of the kids, Janie and Tommy ask their mom, “Should I pray for Daddy?”
Finally, near the end of the film George is sitting at bar, at his wits end as to how in the world he’s going to get $8k to make to make up for the shortfall at the Building and Loan. Wringing his hands, and looking ever so distraught, George prays under his breathe, “Oh Father in heaven. I’m not a praying man. Show me the way, I’m at the end of my rope. Show me the way.” Interesting prayer. It wasn’t until George was at the end of his rope that God comes through and in a short time, answers George’s prayer and the prayers of others. And he answers in a most unusual way.

For some people, it takes coming to the end of themselves before they turn to God. How much better, and wiser, though, would it be to call upon God before we come to the end of our self. This is an important principle I picked up from the movie; I hope it resonates with you, too.

Good leaders are good with relationships

Another thing that caught my eye is the way in which George Bailey was a leader in relationships. We see it early in the movie when as a 12-year old he organizes his friends for a snow sledding event down a small hill, using snow shovels for
sleds. You could tell he was in charge. Then brother Harry falls into a hole in the ice and George forms a rescue party to save his brother.

We have corporate leaders, organizational leaders, ministry leaders, but we don’t talk much about relational leaders. Leaders who lead others into better and deeper

levels of relationships. George Bailey was such a leader, not only as a 12 year old, but also as an adult in his work at the Savings and Loan, and respected citizen of Bedford Falls. At the end of movie all that money comes pouring in, because of the love people have for GB and the relationships he has developed with them.

Keenly observing people enables us to help them

Another relationship lesson I learned is the power of being a keen observer of people. George Bailey could “read the room” as a keen observer of people and the human condition. This skill allowed him to connect the dots with people, to understand then better. He pictures himself in the shoes of another. As a kid at his after-school job at Mr. Gower’s drug store - he saw Mr. Gower in a drunken state - then he saw the telegram about his son Robert’s death. He saw this as an explanation for why Mr. Gower was the way he was. His observation skills allowed him to extend grace to Mr. Gower for slapping him upside the head.

George, as a young boy, shows his relational maturity when he realizes Mr. Gower put poison in the prescription he filled. He sees the poster “Ask Dad” seeks him out, but he’s in a meeting. Confronts Mr. Gower. Pretty brave of him to do so.

By the way did you notice the role of alcohol in the movie? The incident with Mr. Gower, and then Uncle Billy’s drinking problem. We see this first when Harry comes home from college with a new wife, and then he gets drunk at the welcoming home party.

We get insight into his problem in the scene on Xmas Eve where George goes over to Uncle Billy’s house to look for the lost $8,000. George roughs up his Uncle and Billy said he’s “looked through the entire house; even those rooms that have been locked up since I lost Laura.”

He’s a bit muffled when he says it, but it could explain his drinking. Just like Mr. Gower was drinking upon learning the death of his son Robert. Uncle Billy’s was coping with the death of his wife Laura, and possibly his brother, Peter Bailey.

Then we see Uncle Billy the day the S & L closed for the day when there was a run on the bank. Using George and Mary’s wedding money, they had $2 left when they closed at 6pm. Uncle Billy celebrates by drinking.

To what extent do you make it a practice to “read the room,” to take notice of what people might be feeling? Hmm.

That which bothers us most often reveals the idols in our life

George, from early on, had a sense of adventure. He wanted to travel, build big things, bridges, skyscrapers.

He shares his dream with Mary in the scene where they throw stones at the vacant Granville house. He tells Mary, “I’m throwing the dust off this crummy little town. I’m gonna see the world, then build skyscraper and bridges a mile long”

We see lot again when George’s father asked him if he would come back to the building and loan. The anguish on George’s face. He’d feel trapped at the Building and Loan, “I want to do something important. If I don’t get away I think I’ll bust.”

George’s dream for his life comes through loudly in the scene where Harry returns home on the train with his new wife, that no one in his family knew about (and this is a close family????? )

The sister-in-law lets it slip that her father offered Harry for a job, meaning he wouldn’t be taking over for George at the building and loan so he can leave Bedford Falls. Oh, the anguish on George’s face at the train station!!

We see it again at the welcome home party for HB and his new wife Ruth. Uncle Billy gets drunk. George hears the train whistle with a melancholy expression contemplating his dark future stuck in Bedford Falls.

This goal for his life culminates in the scene where George roughs up Uncle Billy while looking for the missing money. In his anger he calls Uncle Billy a silly old fool. “Don’t you realize what this means. It means scandal, bankruptcy and one of us is having to jail, well it’s not going to be me.”

Yeah, jail. The physical manifestation of his emotional entrapment.

For George, “throwing the dust off this crummy little town. I’m gonna see the world, then build skyscraper and bridges a mile long“ has clearly become his idol.

There’s certainly nothing wrong with what George wanted. but when it becomes this important, and it replaces other good things, when it becomes too important, it becomes an idol. When not getting what you want causes this much anger, it’s become an idol.

His idol is change and wanting something he doesn’t have. But as we see at the end of the movie, he had already “traveled,” in a sense. Because of his relationship skills, he was “traveling” wonderful journeys into the hearts and minds of the people of Bedford Falls. He had already built big things, deep and long lasting relationships with the people he encountered. His life was already a truly Wonderful Life!

What are the idols in your life? What are the good things in your life that have become TOO important, that have caused you stress because you don’t have what you want?

Relationships have the power to calm our hearts in the midst of stress and turmoil.

We see this in George’s relationship with Mary. “What do you want, Mary? You want the moon? Just say the word and I’ll through a lasso around it. I’ll give you the moon and you can swallow it and the moon beams will flow out of the ends of your fingers and hair.” What a great line. George and Mary soon get married.

After the run on the bank that drained all their honeymoon money, and that drained George emotionally from dealing with this crisis at work, George goes home to find Mary, who greets him with a wide smile and says, “Welcome home George Bailey.” The expression on her face causes the tension in George to just drip off the scree. It’s his relationship with Mary that calms George’s heart.

At the very end of the film, after dealing with the misplaced $8,000, George gets his 2nd chance to live again. He runs home. Mary then enters house runs up the stairs. Hugs George. Then takes him downstairs, clears two card tables and says,“It’s a miracle, George, It’s a miracle.” Mary opens the door, calls Uncle Billy in, carrying a big wicker laundry basket full of cash.

(Hark! the Hearld Angels Sing playing in the background)

A very-excited- Uncle Billy then says, “Mary did it George. Mary did it. She scoured all over town telling people you were in trouble….” Then a crowd of people start coming through the door, each bringing in more money for George. Sam Wainwright sent a telegram from London saying Mr. Gower wired him. He authorized the transfer of up to $25,000 for George Bailey”

I love this scene at the end. Mary is standing in the background and lets all the other people who care for George to come through the door to greet him and contribute their money. His relationship with his family is what ultimately calms George’s heart in the midst of the prospect of scandal and jail-time.

This example of relationships having the power to calm our hearts in the midst of stress and turmoil raises the question of what relationship do I have that calms my heart like this.

While our relationships with people can certainly do this, the ultimate source of peace and calm in our hearts is readily available to us in our relationship with God. The bible is overflowing with stories and verses that attest to this fact.

When we pray for a solution to a problem, God often provides one we never could have imagined.

After the scene where George gets angry and throws a fit is living room and knocks down the model bridge, and then walks out the door, there’s this awkward moment of silence. For all the wonderful qualities of George Bailey, we see a darker side to him, which is one of the reasons I like this movie so much. Like all of his, he’s a mature of virtue and vice. His anger is out of control.

I refer to this scene when I give talks on anger, and helping people understand the anger in others and what to do about it. But we’ll save that for another episode.

Anyway, back to this scene. After George walks out the door, Mary gets on the phone and calls Bedford 247 and says, “Hello? Uncle Billy?”

Next scene is George at Mr. Potter’s office. “I’m in trouble Mr. Potter.” Interesting contrast on where he and Mary go for help. George to Old Man Potter. Mary to Uncle

Billy the people who know George best. George went to outsiders for help. Mary went to the insiders of their tribe..

Then we have those great scenes showing God answering the prayers of the 7 people at the very beginning of the film, and George himself. He uses Clarence Oddbody, AS2 (Angel 2nd class), who before he died and became an angel was a clock maker, described by Joseph has “having the IQ of a rabbit.” The voice of God counters with , “Yes, but he has the faith of a child - simple.” How so like God to use people like this to further his purposes and bring glory to himself

We see George on abridge, looking down into the waves of the cold river below, contemplating suicide so Mary could collect his life insurance to pay off the missing $8k.. Clarence then jumps in the water, and cries for help. George dives into the water in to save him.

The attendant at the bridge asks Clarence, “How did you happen to fall in? “I didn’t fall in; I jumped in to save George.” Sometimes the best thing we can do to help someone is to be needy, to put our self in a position for someone to help us, like Clarence did.

While drying off, George tells Clarence that his bleeding came from a punch to his jaw, as an answer to his prayer. Clarence, “Oh no, George. I’m the answer to your prayer. I was sent down to save you, by letting you help me.”

Sometimes what we think is the answer to our prayer is entirely different than what we think!!!!!! Clarence is his guardian angel, he says.

This is hard for George to accept help. He’s been doing it on his own for the whole movie. He’s helping others, but isn’t letting others help him.

Clarence’s challenge is to get George to appreciate all he has done in investing in relationships throughout his life. Clarence keeps saying “If it hadn’t been for you…” That is George’s underlying problem. George, however, is thinking only about the need for the $8k.

Then Clarence gets an idea from heaven, when George says “I wish I never would have been born” he stops using logic to change his mind. Clarence stops fighting GB ,and instead begins to show him the implications of what happens if he gets what he wants.

Clarence then shows what actually would have happened if George had never been born. One in particular that hits home with George was Clarence showing the tremendous loss of life from a transport ship sinking.

Clarence says “Every man on that transport died because Harry wasn’t there to save them, because you weren’t there to save Harry. he died at 8 years of age.”

Clarence: “Strange, isn’t it. Each man affects every other man.”

This finally registers with George. After this he rushes back to the bridge. He calls for Clarence, his guardian angel. “Clarence, Clarence, get me back. Get me back. I don’t care what happens to me. Get me back to my wife and kids. Help[ me Clarence, Please. Please. I want to live again

[ NOTE: he’s asking for help. It’s like a prayer…] he says several times “I want to live again. I want to love again. Please God, let me live again” So it was a prayer to God.]

What a remarkable and unimaginable means God used to answer the prayers of many on behalf of George Bailey. An angel second class, “with the IQ of a rabbit, but the faith of a child.” It’s just like him!

Here’s a list of the 7 relationship lessons I picked up from this movie.

Before is often better than now
People need our prayers
Good leaders are good with relationships
Keen observing of people enables us to help them
That which bothers us most reveals the idols in our life
Relationships have the power to calm our hearts in the midst of stress and turmoil
When we pray for a solution to a problem, God often provides one we never could have imagined.

Here’s the one thing to remember from today’s episode, our show in a sentence:

It truly is a “Wonderful Life!” when we invest in relationships, caring for each other, even though the deepest longings in our own heart are never satisfied.

Here are some suggestions for what you can do in response to today’s show.

First off, make plans now to see It’s a Wonderful Life! soon. Carefully consider WHERE you see it.

If you can, go see the movie on the big screen in a movie theater. There’s something about that big gray Liberty Bell from Liberty Films that you just don’t get watching the movie at home.

Second best, is to rent or buy the DVD of the movie. I bought the DVD on Amazon.

Under no circumstances should you ever ever ever watch the colorized version!

As a last resort, watch it on network TV during the Christmas season. But with all the interruptions for commercials it loses a lot.

Then consider HOW to watch the film.

Watch it with your family or friends. And then discuss it with them

Watch it looking for the relationships lessons I mentioned. You’ll probably find even more that what I’ve commented about.

Consider what a wonderful place our community would be if we were more like Bedford Falls, and cared for each other like the characters in the movie. With that in mind, watch It’s a Wonderful Life! looking for a character or two you could aspire to be more like. George Bailey? Mary? Peter Bailey. Mr. Gower. But if it’s Old Man Potter…. Consider what you could do to make your town a bit like Bedford Falls

Finally, watch it looking to see where God is at work in the life of the characters. That’s important, because as we God at work in the lives of other people, it reminds us how He can work in our life too…if we let him.

Closing

Our other listeners and me would love to hear what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Next week will be our last episode of Season Two. But we’ll start up again soon with Season Three of You Were Made for This in January. I’ll explain more next week.

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

Strange, isn’t it. Each man affects every other man.

~ Clarence Oddbody, Angel first class, because he earns his wings by the end of the film)

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

It’s a Wonderful Life! Dvd

It's A Wonderful Life (Two-Disc Collector's Set)

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NOTE: The show notes you see below were for the very first episode, which appeared on November 28, 2018. It's all still true. But a more recent updated version for reasons to listen to this podcast can be found by listening to

Episode 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Thank you for joining us in today’s inaugural episode of You Were Made for This - Transforming Your Relationships into the Best They Can Be.

I want to share six reasons to listen to this podcast. Six benefits you can expect over time by being a regular listener.

This podcast is based on the premise that we are all made for relationships. Relationship is the “This” that You Were Made for. Since we are all made for relationships, it just makes sense to become as skilled as we can in this important area of our lives, so we can reap all the benefits relationships have to offer.
You’ll like our format. You’ll learn relationship skills and principles through stories. We’re really big on stories here at You Were Made for This. You will hear real-life relationship stories from our guests that illustrate best practices we can put into action in our own relationships.
Besides guest interviews, you’ll also learn about other relationship resources you may want to look into.
Each episode concludes with several things. You’ll hear the main point of each episode summarized in one sentence. It will be the big idea, the one takeaway from the program that if you forget everything else, you’ll remember this.
You’ll be given a suggested way to respond to the content of the program.
You’ll also learn what next week’s episode is about.
And finally, at the very end of each program you’ll hear a favorite relationship quote of mine, often followed with a brief commentary. This week I share a relationship story that illustrates the quote of the week.

That’s our format. You’re going to love it.

In talking about the podcast, you’ll notice “we” is used far more often than “I.” That’s because we are a community, a virtual community. You were made for a community of relationships.

This is an interactive podcast, where listeners write in or call-in, ask questions, and offer support to each other. It’s something you can be part of as we experience an important relational truth. That is, when we bring out the best in each other, we bring out the best in ourselves.

You’ll love one of our key principles of the the show. Namely, we are firm believers that the secret sauce of better relationships is doing less, not more.
Because we highly value the power of listening in strengthening relationships, You will learn to listen to people better when you listen to this podcast.
You’ll learn ways to improve your emotional and physical health. Almost all non-organic problems are relationship problems.

A July 19, 2018 article in the Wall Street Journal quotes a 2018 study by Cigna Health Insurance that “Loneliness has the same impact on mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.”

I know I said there were 6 reasons to listen to You Were Made for This, but I’ve always been terrible with math. So here’s reason number 7. Not only will you’ll learn more about relationships with people, but you’ll also learn more about other non-interpersonal relationships. Such as relationships with the world around us. With groups and organizations, with our jobs, with our stuff, with ourselves, with our culture, and many more relationships. Even our relationship with God, on occasion.

Which leads us to the take away from today’s program - our show in a sentence

Our relationships are so important to living a fulfilling life, that we serve ourselves well when we spend time and energy making those relationships the best they can be.

Response to today’s show

See what you can do to bring out the best in someone this week, and then see if you can tell how it brings out the best in you. You can post a comment in the box below, letting me know how that worked for you. I may share it in a future episode.

Coming up

Next week we’ll be looking at a rarely considered family relationship that took me by surprise one day. You’ll find it encouraging when you listen in next time.

Before we close with the quote of the week I want to thank you for listening in today. If you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe to the show in iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts. We’d also appreciate it if you would leave an honest review.

When you write a review it helps us to serve more people by helping them discover the relationships they were made for.

Now, to close today’s program, here is our quote of the week:

Quote of the Week

“We’re all just walking each other home.” - Ram Dass

I conclude the show by sharing a relationship story from my book, THEM, that describes the quote of the week in action.

Resources mentioned on today’s show:

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

“People Who Don’t Need People,” Wall Street Journal. July 19, 2018, page A12

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 44, the last in our "November to be thankful" series. I’ll have links to the other 3 episodes in the show notes below.

Carol pointed out to me that some listeners may not know what the “show notes” are and where to find them. “Show notes” for each episode are notes to myself, reminding me what to include in the episode. It’s not a transcript, and not exactly an outline. They are simply the main points I want to cover. Some people prefer to read these before or after they play the episode.

They are especially helpful if you want to check out links to other resources mentioned in the episode. You’ll find them at the end of the show notes under “Other Resources.”

To find the show notes, go to our website, johncertalic.com/podcast. There you will find the most recent podcast episode with the podcast audio player, along with the show notes right below it. Scroll down to see the show notes for prior episodes.

Well, on to today, where we wrap up our four part-series by considering the benefits to us in being thankful for the people in our life, both past and present, who have invested in us. Especially for those for whom there was no discernible return on their investment.Do you ever feel awkward at those moments when someone does something really kind and generous for you? Where they go out of their way to do something that that’s more than just giving you a gift? Where they do something that shows they are investing in you because they believe in you, and want the best for you?

Their investment can be something that appears to be very small for them, but is actually very large for you. Or it can be something they are giving up to sacrifice for your benefit, in hopes that what they do will have a positive impact on your life moving forward?

If you’ve ever felt this way, like I have, know that when we have a hard time accepting the generosity of others, and their investment in our lives, it is revealing an obstacle to our character development. The good news is that this a flaw we can overcome.

Keep listening to learn how.

Vern and Lorraine. Loraine’s memorial service on Nov. 2. I mentioned both of them way back in Episode 4, The Gift of Even Though. Heard lots of stories of what she did to invest in the lives of others.

She got a job for me at the Eau Claire Press Company, where I quit after a month. She found an apartment for us with Mrs. Burns, then we got a dog, without asking permission. She made us get rid of Barney, I bet Lorraine’s credibility took a hit because of our youthful indiscretion. But she never said a word to us about it.

Her behavior, how she lived life, encouraged Janet and me to be more like her. Her investment in our life contributed greatly to shaping us into the people we are today.

Mrs. Roller. I wrote about her in THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. Guidance counselor in high school. She asked what I planned to do upon graduation. Resigned to go to college in town. She asked Is that what you really want to do? No. I want to leave home. But couldn’t afford to. Parents would sign the paperwork for financial aid. She did some checking with UW-Eau Claire, got some aid, which allowed me to go there.

Bethesda Lutheran. Our college town church. Pastor’s wife who led the college and career Sunday School class in the Book of Romans for 2 years. There were about 20 of us in that class, 2 of whom I know became pastors. Carol was in there with Janet and me. What happened in that class, and in that church, set the trajectory for the rest of my life. The church didn’t get anything out of it, except obeying God and being faithful in their mission as a church. It would be interesting to see what happened to everyone 50 years after that experience.

Couple friends. I can’t talk yet about they did recently to invest in me. I haven’t gotten their permission to share what it is, but I can tell you it’s one of the most meaningful things anyone has ever done for me. Their investment in me has deeply touched my heart.

Here’s what I learned today. It’s caused me to reflect on a number of things.

When it seems like there’s nothing in it for the people who invest in us, they actually do benefit, but in ways that we may not notice or appreciate. Our natural inclination is to focus on us as the beneficiary of someone’s investment in us, and we can easily miss how it benefits the other person. They get something out of it, too.
Some people have the gift of giving. Romans 12 mentions this, and for people like this, Paul says we should let them give.
Receiving well what people do to invest in us is an antidote to our pride. It’s a reminder of our need for control, and that we don’t control as much as we think we do.
It’s a reminder we may be not as generous or sacrificial as they are. It picks at our conscious. We may feel shame that we’re not as good a person as they are. But if it motivates us to be like them, this kind of shame is a good thing.
It encourages me to pay it forward. To model for others what has been modeled to me.
When we allow people to invest in us, we lower ourselves a bit. It’s an admission of our neediness, it’s a recognition of our need for community.
When we step back to be thankful for people who poured into our lives, we acknowledge how we all need each other, and how we ourselves can profit by investing in other people.
It can raise the bar of our own character development. We have someone we can model ourselves after. We let a big part of them rub off on us.
When people invest in us, it gives us a picture of Jesus.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

We can be the person others are thankful for when we invest in them for no other reason than to enjoy the pleasures of reflecting well the character of Jesus.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show.

Who are you thankful for that invested in you, that believed in you and poured their life into you, without any strings attached or without any discernible benefit to them self?

Who can you now invest in? Even with something short and quick that can change someone’s life?

Who can you represent Jesus to, by calling upon His power to reflect his character well?

Closing
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. And unless you are a business owner, may the Friday that follows be anything but black for you. May it be full of orange and yellow and bright red and other colors that reflect a heart over flowing with Thanksgiving to God for all the ways he has blessed you.

And if you are a business owner, may your Black Friday be over the top tomorrow with profits that put you in the black for the year, and reward you for the risk you’ve taken to the fight the battles of commerce you face each day.

May you use those profits to hire more people for new jobs you create. May your profits be used to give raises and bonuses to the hard-working men and women you employ so they can better provide for their families.

May the profits you generate tomorrow be used by you and your employees to fund and support missionaries spreading the Good News of Jesus Christ to every known people group on earth. Yes, may your Black Friday be yet another channel God uses to bless you, and bring glory to Himself.

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

We’re all hungry for a map to joy, and when someone is courageous enough to draw it for us, we naturally follow.

~ Chris Voss, author of Never Split the Difference - Negotiating as if your life depended on it.

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Episode 41: Thankful for the cheerleaders in my life.

Episode 42: Thankful for the Irritations of life

Episode 43: Thankful for People Different from Me

Episode 4: The Gift of Even Though

Book: THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

Book: Never Split the Difference - Negotiating as if your life depended on it.

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Show notes

My greatest fear about aging is finding myself living an increasingly narrow life. I see it in my 96 year-old mother-in-law. The memory care and assisted living facility Elda lives in is full of people whose lives have narrowed considerably, and are a shadow of what they used to be.

And it’s not just with the elderly with their ever-increasing physical limitations. I see some people my age and much younger living lives that are slowly closing in on them relationally, and emotionally.

I see some of that tendency in myself, where I resist growing as a person because to grow is to change, and I’ve gotten way too comfortable with the status quo.

It raises the question then of what can we do to keep growing as a person into old age, where we resist the natural forces of life that close in on us.

I propose that the antidote to this issue is to foster relationships with people different from ourselves.

Relationships with people younger or older than ourselves. With those richer or poorer than us. With people more educated, or less educated that we are. Those of a different gender, or those with a marital status different from our own.

Let me give you two examples.

The first. Different race, a different culture, a different age.
Story of Boo - Arsenio Hall. During the time of the Rodney King incidents. People at church distancing themselves.

Example no. 2. Wilbur, who came to my office one day. Compares to Terry, who said to Janet, “I can’t figure John out.”

Here’s what I learned from these two stories, and others about my relationships with people not like me.

Connecting mostly with people on the basis of our similarities is self-limiting. It confirms our biases. Commonality may help in initially connecting with someone, in a relationship. But it can limit the depth of our relationship moving forward. The thread of reaching out to people not like ourselves is woven throughout the New Testament.

Jesus and the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4. Jesus and his disciples who not all the same. Fisherman. Tradesman. At least one tax collector.

Paul and the Gentiles.

Other people different from me are more interesting than me focusing on my thoughts and experiences that are similar to others.

I learn from other people different from me.

I appreciate how good I have it when I see sometimes how poorly people different from me live. It greatly encourages me.

I become a better person when I incorporate the Godly values of people different from me. But I have to get to know them to understand what their values are.

My view of God is enriched when I see the character of God reflected in people not like me. It makes me appreciate God more.

What about you? What’s your take-away from today’s show?

I’d appreciate any comments in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them in an email to me, at john@caringforothers.org.

Here’s the main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

Be thankful for people in my life who are not like me, because they broaden my world, for they reflect the character of God in their own unique way, making me appreciate HIM more.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show

Consider including in your circle of relationships people different from you, and see what God teaches you through them.

Ask God to show you how to be more winsome, more attractive, more intriguing and inviting to others. Ask God to help you reflect more of his character to people not like yourself. To be more of person people are thankful for.

Take a pause and reflect on someone very different from you, and ask, “could it be that God has placed this person in my life to sharpen me, smooth over my rough edges, and otherwise mold me into the person he created me to be.”

Closing

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. And to be thankful for the people in our lives who are different from us.

You can do this, I know you can. Because You Were Made for T.H.I.S.: Relationships that Transcend our natural tendency to focus on self, and that Honor and Inspire others, built on Self-less sacrifice.

Our Relationship Quote of the Week

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

~ Galatians 3: 28

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 42, where Friday the 13th falls on a Wednesday this month. This 13th of November in the year of our Lord, 2019. I hope you’re not superstitious; instead, this is a month to be most thankful.

Later this month, at Thanksgiving dinner, like a lot of families, we go around the table and everyone shares what they have been thankful for this year. The expressions of gratitude are usually the same: for family, good health, prayers that have been answered, and maybe one or two events from the past year.

It’s always good to re-affirm blessings like these. They’re the good things of life that deserve to be acknowledged. But what about the not-so-good things? Is it possible to be grateful for them? I think there is. I think we can find a measure of gratitude in our relationship with the annoyances and irritations of life that can actually bring us joy.

Let me explain.

My current ;ist of irritations:

Dental bill for Janet’s root canal
Our grandfather clock doesn’t strike 2 anymore
Crack in our driveway
The “A” on my computer keyboard.

Where the joy is to be found in these irritations:

There is joy in realizing that no one is out to get me at the dental office or the insurance company. That I’m not a victim. Most people are trying. They may be in a dead-end job they don’t like for no other reason than to support their family. I’ve had a job or two like that in my life. So I can relate. If I want to.

There is joy in appreciating that I’m not in control nearly as much as I think I am. These annoyances remind me I need Jesus. They remind me to focus on the important stuff.

There is joy in being reminded that all these irritations of life are a result of the Fall. That we live in a fallen world, that was never the way God intended our life to be. But it’s not going to be like this forever.

There is joy found in knowing God understands what we’re going through, and as it says of Him in Ephesians 1:10, “At the right time God will bring everything together under the authority of Christ - everything in heaven and and on earth.”

There is joy in knowing that all the irritations of life will one day cease. When my life ends here on earth, and my new one starts in heaven , there will be no more annoyances, no more mail from the the dental clinic about an overdue bill.

Revelation 21 talks about the new heaven and the new earth that awaits us as follower of Jesus. It’s where there will be no more death, or sorrow, or pain. All these things will be gone forever.

Here’s what I learned today.

More importantly, I’d appreciate reading YOUR takeaways from today’s program in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them in an email to me. But for now, here’s what I learned:

Don’t let annoyances rob us of the joy of being fully present in the here and now
Adjust our expectations. There is something wrong with EVERYTHING.
Anticipate and appreciate what heaven will be like, where there will never be any any problems. Where nothing is broken.
In the light of eternity, all problems and irritations are temporary. It’s part of having a theology of suffering.
We will rarely be thankful for the irritation when it first happens. But give it some time to marinate in our heart, and in time, the gratitude, and even joy, will emerge.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

The irritations of life, if we let them, can drive us to gratitude to Jesus for calming our hearts when we put these annoyances of life in proper perspective, knowing that in light of eternity, they are only temporary.

Here’s what we can do in response to today’s show

A few things come to mind:

Stare our pet peeves in the face, with a big smile on our face, and repeat, “this too will pass."

Make a list of all the things that bother us, and in prayer, ask the Lord to give us an eternal perspective about them

Anticipate things will go wrong. Don’t be surprised.

Find the humor.

Closing

Thank you for listening in today. If you found the program helpful I’d appreciate you writing a brief review in iTunes. This will help search engines get our podcast out to more people.

As always, you can find the show notes for the episode by going to johncertalic.com/podcast.

Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

"People who say that small things don't bother them have never slept in a room with a mosquito." --Dennis Rainey

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

Other Resources

Episode 41: Thankful for the cheerleaders in my life.

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Show notes

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 41. Last week, we waved good bye and said see you next year, to October, the month that makes me smile. This week, we welcome in November, the month that makes me thankful. It’s the month we remind ourselves of blessings in our life we often have the tendency to forget.

November is like our favorite-out-of-state relative who arrives once a year on our doorstep, smiling ear-to-ear, with arms wide open with hugs for everyone. Her very presence reminds us what it’s like to slow down, and take pleasure in enjoying the life we already have, rather than the one we want.

November is about our thankfulness for what is, that exceeds our hope for what isn’t in our lives. It’s the month to remind ourselves that at the end of the day, nothing enriches our life more than relationships. Not things, not experiences, not even good health.

So starting today, and for the four Wednesdays in this November, 2019, we’ll be looking at Four different kind of relationships we can be thankful for, some of which may surprise you. Four relationships that add rich meaning and purpose to our life. To start things off, in this episode I’d like us to consider the cheerleaders in our life.

I’ve been blessed with a number of cheerleaders in my life. 3 in particular standout:

Jennifer - She was born in November, November 11 to be exact. She wrote a 4 page email to me a year and a half ago, encouraging me to get the training I needed to start this podcast. I am so thankful for her cheering me on to get started with it.
Vern - Mentioned him in episode 4, The Gift of Even Though. I’ll have a link to that episode at the end of the show notes, along with links to other resources I mentioned. He said something very brief and to the point“I think you’d be good at that.” Sadly, by the time this airs we’ll have attended his wife Lorraine’s Memorial service. She was 94. As she said in our phone call to her and Vern almost a year ago, “We’ve had such a good life.”
Debi - The “THEM” shadow box. In my trips to Florida to lead a mission organization’s member care week, It’s where I first met Debi. She’d ask about the book. It was a work in progress. She asked to see a rough draft of the manuscript.

Brought one the next time I came down.

On the way to the dinning hall she caught up with me, pulled out the dog eared part of the manuscript and told me how much she liked it. In great detail she described it.

Eventually the book was published and I sent her a copy. She wrote a really great review for iTunes.

And then months after the book came out I received a shadow box. Meticulously wrapped and packaged. 17 x 21 x1½ . All the major elements to the book.

Janet and I later took a brief vacation trip to Poland with her and her husband Bob after a conference we were at in Holland.

Here’s what I’m taking away from today’s episode, what I’ve learned, and what I hope you picked up on as well

First of all, I have much to be thankful for because of these 3 cheerleaders, and others in my life. When I think of how they cheered me on, how they believed in me when I wasn’t sure I believed in myself, it makes what I’m lacking in life pale in comparison.

Secondly, everyone needs a cheerleader. But you just can’t go looking for one.
You can’t ask someone to be this for you. You have to get your cheerleader organically. You can certainly pray for one, but often times they’re already around us, but we just don’t know it yet.

Even when we don’t have a cheerleader, Jesus is there to cheer us on. The Holy Spirit is there to gently move us forward to equip us to be the person God created us to be. He is our cheerleader.

Another thing I’m reminded of by cheerleaders is that when you don’t have one, it doesn’t stop you from being one yourself for another person.

Example: Janet and I volunteering when our grandkids were in elementary school. Going around to work stations and cheering those little kids on.

Another example: You can be a cheerleader by one singular act. e.g., the large tip I left for the waitress at Appleby’s in Eau Claire, and what I said to her about working on a Saturday night when her friends were out having a good time. I knew how hard it was to work P-T and go to college full-time.

The waitress came looking for me near the restroom, thinking I had made a mistake with the exceptionally large tip. Her eyes filled with tears.

Another thing, is that we don’t have to prove our worth to be cheered for. Michael on HS basketball team. Usual group of parents would come. One dad missed a few games. I asked where he was. He said he didn’t come because he knew his son wouldn’t get in the game and that he’d spend the night warming the bench.

Go anyway whether your kid gets to play or not. Hope with him in the stands, as he’s hoping on the bench that he’ll get it. Be there to watch him warm up and do layup drills before the 1st and 2nd half. Be there in case they get trounced and he’ll get in the game. Be there to watch him be part of team.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

We can find great fulfillment when we become a cheerleader for someone, because it reflects the character of God who cheers us on to be all that we are capable of being.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show

A couple of things come to mind:

Think about the people who have been your cheerleaders. Then thank them, and model what they did for you, and pay it forward with someone else.

Pray, and look around asking Jesus to show you someone for whom you could be a cheerleader. You’ll be amazed how fulfilling this can be.

You could also cheer someone on by writing an encouraging note that goes through the mail system (no texts or emails).

Closing

In closing, I’d love to hear from you, either by your comments in the show notes/comment box below, or by email.

As always, you will find the show notes for this episode by going to johncertalic.com/podcast. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. Reflect with gratitude for the cheerleaders in your life. And then act by doing what they modeled for you.

You can do it, I know you can. You were made for this.

Our Relationship Quote of the Week

Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~ Marcel Proust

That’s all for today. May your souls blossom until we meet next week. Good-bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Episode 4, The Gift of Even Though

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

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Show notes

Do you ever feel out of place in a group, where you just don’t quite fit in? I know I do from time to time. In today’s episode we’ll talk about how to deal with this kind of relationship with a group or organization, where we feel like a square peg in a round hole.

Of all the weeks in the year to tackle this topic, the last week of October is, in my mind, the best time of the year to do so. Because it highlights a famous historic figure who is the poster child for being a square peg in a round hole.

I’ll tell you about him in a minute or so, and what we can learn from him when we feel like we just don’t in.

October is a month that makes me smile. The weather. The changing leaves. Cooler temperatures.

Another reason October makes me smile is because it brings back found memories of a history professor when I was in college. I majored in history, and took mainly European history courses, one of which was the History of the Protestant Reformation.

It was taught by Thomas Miller, who always seemed to be smiling. I think because he really loved his job. He loved history, and his area of speciality - The Reformation. He was like my dentist; and he’s a Dr. Miller, too. Always smiling and humming.

I remember on the first day of class, Dr. Miller introduced himself by saying he was a Mormon, and that he loved teaching the history of the Reformation because “I can bash Catholics and Lutherans equally in this course. ”And he said so with his signature smile. He made Martin Luther and the Reformation come alive. I loved that class.

Dr. Miller had us read from a selection of Luther’s writings. I picked his commentary on the Book of Romans from the Bible. I also read from his “Table Talk” at Luther’s home. I’ll have a link to information bout this in the show notes, along with a few other resources if you want to find out more about Martin Luther.

One of the main things I remember about Luther is that as a young German monk, he began to feel like a square peg in a round hole in his relationship to the church. He saw flaws in the church of his day, and he wanted dialog to discuss with church leaders how these flaws could be corrected. But top officials in the church were happy with the status quo, and so they wouldn’t give Luther the time of day.

One thing led to another, and his battle with the powers that be within his organization, the church, led him further and further away from the organization and what it stood for.

Not giving up on the organization he loved, and wanting it be all that God intended for it, he took another route to try to effect change.

He wrote 95 points of debate, or theses, and posted then on the front door of the church in Wittenberg, Germany. It was his version of Donald Trump’s Twitter feed.

He posted these point of discussion on Oct. 31, 1517, which is seen as the official start of the Protestant Reformation. If you’re listening to this podcast on the day it first airs, we celebrate the 502 anniversary of this tomorrow, on October 31st.

During the time I was taking this history of the Reformation course, I was attending a Lutheran Church in our college town. On Reformation Sunday, the Sunday closest to October 31, the church had Omar Gjurness from the Seminary in Fergus Falls, MN come one year and give talks about Luther. It was all so fascinating to me. It’s another reason that October makes me smile.

Reformation Sundays were always sermons about the key doctrines that Luther popularized: justification by faith alone, the priesthood of all believers, Scripture alone has the basis for the Christian life. We’d sing songs Luther wrote like "A Mighty Fortress is Our God," written to the tune of German beer drinking songs.

Ah, to be a Lutheran again and sing beer drinking melodies on Sunday morning at church. It makes me smile.

Through the years, Janet and I have been members of several protestant denominations, But not since college, have I ever heard even a passing mention of Martin Luther on Reformation Sunday. Even two years ago in 2017, the 500th anniversary of the start of the Reformation, nothing was noted. I sure do miss references to our history, and the meaning it plays in our lives today.

Apart from the theology and history, Luther stands out as a square peg in a round hole in his relationship with the church in his time. He tried to change it, to make it better, to return it to its roots. But there was no energy within the organization to do so.

In the process of trying to effect change, Luther attracted quite a following. And they pushed him more and more into creating an organization, a new church, in keeping with his interpretation of scripture that had such wide appeal. Starting a new church was not something Luther wanted to do, but the circumstances of the day pushed him forward.

It wasn’t until after Luther and his followers left the church they loved, that changes were finally made and abuses corrected. But by this time everyone on the train had left the station, and there was no turning back.

Here’s what I’ve learned from Martin Luther, this dead white guy from 502 years ago, about what to do when I’m feeling like a square peg in a round hole with a group I belong to:

When we are dissatisfied with a group or organization of which we are part, before thinking about leaving the group, do what you can to help fix the problems you see. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem. That’s what Luther tried to do.

Expect opposition from leaders of a group when you try to bring about change. Don’t give up at the first sign of resistance. Maybe the time isn’t right. Maybe the leaders of the group need more time to consider your ideas. Maybe the best you can do is to get 1 or 2 of your proposals accepted now. Wait to fight the battle for the rest on another day in the future.

If you’re feeling like a square peg in a round hole, there’s a good chance other people are feeling the same way. You may not be as alone in trying to bring about change as you may think. Leaders may not listen to you, but your colleagues may very well might be.

Few of us like change. But there are times when we have to face the reality that while at one point we were tailor-made for the organization we belong to, people and organizations change. We may not be the person we once were, and our organization may have changed and is no longer what it once was.

It’s quite possible we’ll do ourselves a favor, and our current organization a big favor, if we move on to somewhere else, so we can better flourish, and be all that God created us to be. And so our current organization can do the same.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

Look for ways to be a positive agent of change in your group, but if you have no voice and no one is listening to you, consider finding a group where you are a better fit.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show

Two things come to mind.

One is to take a look at the groups you belong to, and ask God to show you what can you do to make them better? What savvy relationship skills will you need to employ to bring about change? Pray for ways you can be part of the solution, and not part of the problem.

And secondly, in honor of the Reformation, what do you need to reform personally? What changes do you need to make in your life to be all that God created you to be? Where do you need the Lord to do the work to bring about these changes?

Closing

Thanks for listening in today. If you’re not already getting my weekly email about this podcast and other relationship resources, you can go to johncertalic.com/subscribe to get on my private email list.

Above all, remember what you were made for, You Were Made for This, to transform your relationships into he best they can possibly be

And Now for Our Relationship Quote of the Week

Unlike a disease, organizational decline is more about what you choose to do, and not what is inflicted on you. ~ Jim Collins

That’s all for today. And thank you Carol for making me smile with your organ and piano duet! I don’t know how you do it, playing both keyboards at the same time, not to mention your footwork on both sets of pedals. You are amazing!

Happy Reformation Day everyone! See you next week. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Martin Luther - The Man Who Rediscovered God and Changed the World, by Eric Metaxas

Here I Stand - A Life of Martin Luther, by Roland Bainton

John’s private email list: johncertalic.com/subscribe

Luther’s Table Talk

Royalty free recording of “A Mighty Fortress is Our God” https://www.smallchurchmusic.com/About-New.php

Martin Luther: The Man Who Rediscovered God and Changed the World

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Show Notes

In last week’s episode 38, I shared listener responses to the question I raised in an earlier email to our listeners about the verse from Hebrews 10:24, “Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.” My question was HOW do you do this, which elicited some great responses.

Another one came in just the other day from a missionary I’ll share in just a minute. But more than that, over the past few months listeners have responded to other relationship issues, and today I want to share those with you.

Going back to our first episode in November 2018, I mentioned that one of the reasons to listen to this podcast is that it’s intended to be a community for people of faith interested in transforming their relationships into the best they can be.

The goal is to make the podcast format interactive, where we learn from each other, and where we support and encourage one another.

To that end, I find that I am encouraged in dealing with my relationships when I see how other people are doing it. I’m guessing the same is true for you, too.

So, to finish off that question of HOW do we motivate one another to acts of love and good works, here’s a response from Devri, a missionary who served in Turkey with her husband Dan for 28 years, and now for the last 6 in Cyprus. Here is what she said:

“Dear John,

“Dan and I have been working with a group of children, at one time 15, now just 6, due to people getting married and moving on. When the children were turning up on our doorstep, we opened the door and embraced them. We taught them how to shoot bows and arrows, how to swim, and how to make pizza!

“There were many times it was exhausting work, but each time they came we taught them something more about living life in the light of God. For example, when two children were being especially mean to each other, I took them into my room. I asked them if they would be saying the things they were saying if they saw the father of the person they were being mean to. Both said an emphatic "NO!"

“From there it was easy to transition to the truth that whatever they said was in front of the One who made the person they were criticizing. He made them, loved them, and did not enjoy seeing them spoken to so poorly. When the two left the room they were quiet.

“As we returned to the crowd of other children the brother of one of the children said, "Don't worry, we have it all planned. We will have a group at school beat him up on Monday." The girl's response to her brother was, "It has been dealt with."

“Years have passed from that day. The last day I saw that girl she said to me, "Don't worry, I remember the lessons you taught us: Give thanks in all things; it is better to give than to receive; forgiveness frees the one who forgives, and Jesus is our Shepherd.” This meant so much to me.

“These words were spoken by a girl who had been raped by her father. She was in a safe house and planning to leave it as soon as she turned 18. I may never see her again, but I will not regret those days I opened my home and my heart to her and all the other friends that came pouring in.

“The LORD has since opened a door for me to teach these same lessons to the children in an orphanage in a nearby city. I now have 40 children to encourage to acts of love and good works!

“And I am so grateful to you, John, for the words that encourage me to do better at loving those around me intentionally.
Grateful,
Devri”

Last week the examples I shared of motivating others to love and good works were about reinforcing good behavior and attitudes we see in people. Devri’s comments today are about correcting bad behavior. There’s room for both in motivating others to love and good works.
I’m struck by the level of trust that Devri and Dan developed with those kids. It started with “we opened the door and embraced them. We taught them how to shoot bows and arrows, how to swim, and how to make pizza!”
What they were doing was certainly sacrificial service to those kids
She gave them a reason to love and do good works in a way they could understand at their developmental stage as children. She helped them connect the dots between their relationship with their peers, and their relationship with God. She helped them see that the antagonists in their life were deeply loved by God, and that since He loved them, they should too, at the level they were capable of at that age.
I was also struck by the tender response of the girl to Devri who said, "Don't worry, I remember the lessons you taught us: Give thanks in all things; it is better to give than to receive; forgiveness frees the one who forgives, and Jesus is our Shepherd.” I can easily picture Devri’s eyes welling with tears over this affirmation of the profound impact she had on this girl. What valuable lessons this girl learned from Devri.
In bringing out the best in this girl, Devri brought out the best in herself.

Moving on, here are two in response to episode 32 that kicked off Season Two, “What am I Here for? What is my purpose in Life?

“John, thank you for the wonderful podcast. I particularly enjoyed learning about Ben Franklin and the Junto Society. It may sound silly, but it gave ME a sense of hope knowing THAT he was someone instrumental in founding the place WE Call home. He sounds like someone who’s friendship I would have liked TO have. Looking forward to further episodes!” ~ Amy

Ben Franklin not feeling the love in the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia, and moving to Boston upon returning from England at the age of 21.
He didn’t know a soul and started the Junto Society, or “Leather Apron Club” as it was sometime called.
It is reassuring at times to think about where we have come from as a nation and the people we have produced.
Here’s the 2nd response to episode 32,

Hi John,
Thanks so much for starting up the podcast again.. This last one was really helpful. [This is in reference to the “I” in T.H.I.S. - Initiate]

One thing that I tried with both of my parents and my grandmother was listening to them and trying to to find something that we were able to connect to which eventually became our thing. It became a great blessing to me to find a common ground where we could develop a relationship of trust and fun as adults. I miss some of that as all have passed to eternity.

I appreciate so much your ability to succinctly say what I am sometimes doing. It helps me label it. Thank you that you are living out what you were made for. ~ Cindy

I love how Cindy initiated with people much older than she was - her parents and grandparents, and asked them questions to bond with them over something that became “our thing.”
With two our grandsons here in town, “our thing” has become going to Chick-fil-A. At least for the moment. They’ll go at a drop of a hat. In a recent visit I commented to them both how much I appreciated how they often ask me questions. I encouraged them to do the same with their parents.
Like Cindy, both of my parents are deceased, yet I still have questions that only they could answer. But they’re not here any more. I must confess, it gnaws at me sometime. I should have asked them more questions before it was too late.

Next, here’s a text I received from Karen, a missionary, good friend, and listener to the podcast:

“I have your podcast card on my counter so I see it every day. ‘At the end of the day, NOTHING MATTERS MORE than Relationships’. I get to MC our Golden Agers Day., I”m going to use that! Because I feel that group of people understand that - they’re past the days of climbing the corporate ladder, or making a name for themselves, or how big of a house they have or what kind of car they drive. For them it really comes down to relationships....well, and maybe their health!! It’s one of my favorite days of our ministry year.

I can see why Karen would love being with this group, people who have nothing more to prove to anyone.

Finally, here’s an email I received from Rebecca, a missionary who has been serving in Indonesia for many years. She responded to episode 20, “Relating with People Who Talk Too Much.”

“I’ve listened to several of your podcasts and made a handout with the questions for dealing with people that annoy you. I’ve given it to several people including a missionary who was in our home on Sunday night.

Many blessings to you as you continue to assist people in living in more healthy ways!
Rebecca”

From Episode 20, Rebecca complied a list of 15 questions I mentioned that a person can ask them self when they are in a relationship with a difficult person. I will post these sometimes soon on my website, but you can get all of it now on the podcast episode, number 20, “Relating with People Who Talk Too Much”

Well here is my takeaway from today’s episode. What I learned today

We have some really wise people listening to this podcast. People I can learn from. People very different from me. The more I hear what they are thinking and what is on their heart, the wiser I will become.

And so will you.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

We can draw encouragement from others when we see what they are doing to transform their relationships into the best they can be.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show

You could ask God if there’s a person much younger than you that he wants you to invest yourself in. It could be a child or someone a generation or two behind you. And then do something similar to what Devri and her husband did, to build trust and then impart the wisdom you’ve acquired.

You could also ask God if there’s a much older person he wants you to connect with. Like Cindy and Karen did in today’s episode. Someone from whom you could draw wisdom. Someone with a story that would encourage you.

Now for our Relationship Quote of the Week

From the lessons our missionary friend Devri taught children many years ago:

Give thanks in all things; it is better to give than to receive; forgiveness frees the one who forgives, and Jesus is our Shepherd.

Closing

Thanks for listening in today to hear from your fellow listeners. I sure enjoyed it, I hope you did too. I’d love to hear from more of you as to how you are dealing with the relationships in your life. You can keep it anonymous if you want.

But the main thing is we can all use a bit of encouragement these days, and that encouragement could come from you as we learn how to best reflect the character of God in our relationships.

Because after all, You Were Made for This!

Well, that’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Episode 38: Motivating Others to Love and Good Works

Episode 20: Relating with People Who Talk Too Much

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 38, where today I’ll be sharing responses from several listeners to a question I posed in my September 19, 2019 weekly email. The question was about the Bible verse from Hebrews 10:24, where the writer of the Book Hebrews says,

Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.

My question was HOW do you do this? HOW does anyone motivate another person to acts of love and good works?

I was thinking if we could hear some real-life examples of this it would give us some practical ideas of what we could do. So listen in to the answers I got to this important question.

So here’s the first response. It comes from a missionary couple living in the Mideast who focus on evangelizing Jewish people all over the world. Here’s how they answered my question of how do you motivate others to acts of love and good works.

“To be with people who are doing these acts of love. The way we do this is by taking teams and demonstrating as they watch and observe - and then encouraging them to do the same. It’s taking the time to make disciples. Jesus did this and we follow His example.Thanks John. Great question.”

I love their intentionality. Modeling. Showing is far more powerful than telling.

Here’s another response, this one from Dick, a missions leader:
“If I see something positive that a person has done I try to thank them and be specific about what I am talking about so that they can continue to keep doing what they have just done that is not natural for me I have to work hard on it.”

Because it’s not natural for him, because it’s hard, it’s an example of that transcendent quality of relating that goes beyond what we find comfortable to do. The “T” in T.H.I.S.

It’s also sacrificial for Dick, because it would so much easier to not look for the positive, to not extend himself. It’s the “S” in T.H.I.S.
Way to go, Dick.

The next response is from Cindy, who writes:
“When I hear spur onto good works it makes me feel like I haven’t done enough. But as I read it, I think it has more to do with me walking in faith and encouraging others to do the same. Mostly other believers. How? Read the scriptures and point to that as we go through difficulties, but also joys. My word and actions has no power to spur anyone on.

“I think when I’m together with two particular girlfriends we bring out scripture that is appropriate for a circumstance in our lives, or talk about it, or talk about Jesus. That is spurring on. I love that.”

Well I love that phrase, “My word and actions has no power to spur anyone on.”

Another email comes from a not-quite-typicval listener:
"Well John, 😂 this might not count as acts of good works and love, but recently a friend of mine told me that she believed in God but wasn’t sure she was a Christian, I encouraged her to accompany me to an in school bible study with me once it started up and she agreed! My prayer for her is that she will be led to God so he may do good things through her so she can encourage works of good and love to others around her."

Oh, how this grips my heart. It’s from my granddaughter, Eleanor, who signed the email with “Your favorite grandchild.” She’s only 14.
She never calls me “John,” always “Grandpa, and she inserted one of those laughing emoticons with tears of laughter. So she got a kick out this, and so did I. But I love the depth of concern she has for her friend. I love Eleanor’s value system at her young age.

Well here are my takeaways from today’s episode. What I learned today

We can certainly make an impact in this world by being the best version of our self we can be. But - we can make an even greater impact when we help others be the best version of themselves.

Many times people don’t know what they’re capable of, and we give them a great gift when we show them what they could be. All of the examples our listeners shared about motivating others to love and good works are about reinforcing small acts of positive behavior or thinking. It’s not at all about pointing out flaws or correcting people.

It’s about seeing the goodness in them, reinforcing it, and nudging them on to even greater goodness.

There’s a great personal benefit to us when we encourage others to be more than they are at the moment. Because as I’ve said before in previous episodes, when we bring out the best in others we bring out the best in ourselves.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

We impact the world for good when we encourage others to be the person God created them to be.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show

Ask God to show you someone, just one person, that you can “motivate to love and good works.” Look for glimpses of positive behavior or thinking you’d like to reinforce, not for your benefit, but for their’s.

Here’s a second thing you can do. Email me with your thoughts, reactions, or questions about anything that comes up in the podcast. There’s a good chance it will stimulate and encourage others.

Finally, here’s a third thing you can do. If you’re not getting a weekly email from me, usually on a Wednesday or Thursday, I encourage you to sign up for my private email list.

By doing so, you’ll get more curated content from your fellow listeners, with their relationship wisdom, that I often don’t have space to include in my weekly podcast. You can unsubscribe at anytime.

Just go to johncertalic.com/subscribe and enter your name and email address, then click the “Subscribe” button.

Our Relationship Quote of the Week

“Let us dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world.”

~ Robert Kennedy, speaking to a crowd of African-Americans, several hours after the assassination of

Martin Luther King, April 4, 1968

April 4, 1968 is connected to the most important day of my life, because it began the most important relationship in my life that continues on to this day. I wrote about it in chapter 7 of my book THEM. And I talked about it in episode 21 of this podcast. I’ll have links to both in the show notes.

Closing

Thanks for listening in today. I hope you feel part of us. I hope you are encouraged by hearing what others are doing to

Think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. Hopefully in hearing what others are doing it will encourage you to think of ways you can motivate others to love and good works.

Above all, I trust you appreciate how you were made for this. T-Transcendent relationships, like our friend Dick mentioned earlier in ways that do not come naturally for him. Relationships that H-Honor others Relationships that I - Initiate like Eleanor talked about with inviting her 9th grade friend to a Bible study. And relationships that S - Selflessly serve others like the missionary couple from the Mideast in their ministry to Jews around the world.

You Were Made for T.H.I.S!

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Subscribe to John’s private email list: johncertalic.com/subscribe

To email John with your comments: john@caringforothers.org

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others.

Episode 21 - “The Most Important Relationship of All”

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Have you ever been in conflict with someone that just gnawed at you day and night? Where you did everything you could think of to try to solve the conflict? Where you may have talked to the other person to resolve the matter, but it goes no where. Where it’s so perplexing and you just can’t figure out how things got to where they are now?

Stay tuned and I’ll explain an easy-to-understand 2-step process you can use to bring clarity to most conflicts.

I’ll start by giving you a recent real-world example of this process in action. This past spring I had several Skype conversations with a missionary, let’s call him Tony. Not his real name, and I’ve changed some of the insignificant details to protect this man’s identity.

Tony saw an article I wrote about conflict on our Caring for Others missionary care page (caringforothers.org), prompting him to contact me
Set up a Skype appointment to discuss his conflict
Conflict developed with his teammates on the field in Argentina, to the point he and his wife, to protect their sanity, had to leave the field and return to the US where he got a position at the home office of his sending agency
Conflict centered around gossip and criticism of his wife, and accusations about her that were just not true.
Tony and his wife talked to the other party, trying to understand their point of view. They apologized for any perceived offense.
Things got better for awhile, but then the criticism resumed
The gossip and un-truths were spread by a couple that Tony and his wife had mentored, and now they were turning on them.
Very discouraged at this betrayal
A sad part of this story is that no one from the mission agency stepped in to help these two couples. It needed an independent 3rd party. Unfortunately, this is all too common.
Very deflated and feeling like failures they returned home to the US.
So we talked about the conflict, and while the details aren’t important, the process to move toward clarity is.

So here’s the process. It’s what I call the “Drama Dynamic,” which I wrote about it in my book, THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. I went over this with Tony and sent him a copy of the book. I’ll read from that section of the book, now:

[Reading from pages 140-142]

In the book, I don’t go into specifics of how to be a great supporting actor. We’ll have to save that for another podcast. But for now, just asking the question of the Lord can fill in these details, for every play is different, and every lead actor is too.

Sometimes being a great supporting actor can mean going toe to toe with someone on center stage confronting their behavior and attitudes directly.

Other times it can be by remaining silent, in the background, and even off stage, so the spotlight shines on your nemesis.

It can mean asking a rhetorical question of your antagonist as you walk out the door.

It can mean writing an actual letter, where you give no opportunity for the lead actor to respond to you at that moment.

There are all kinds of options to wins that academy award for best supporting actor. We’ll go into those another time.

Here’s an example of what can happen if you look at interpersonal conflict through this “Drama Dynamic"

Read “Tony’s” email from a month ago

Main point: Sometimes when we’re the supporting actor in a conflict, we need to be patient and wait for the audience in the theater to see the main actor for what they truly are, and to wait for them to self-destruct.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

When you find yourself in in an interpersonal conflicts, ask yourself, “Am I the main actor in this drama , or am I a supporting actor; and then respond accordingly.”

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show

Reflect on one or two difficult relationships in your life, and ask, why is this relationship so difficult for me? Is God using this other person to try to get through to me about something I need to change about myself? Or is the relationship difficult because of my lack of compassion and grace for the other person? Or could it be, we are just so different in our views that the best we can do is just accept those differences, and relax in knowing it’s the Holy Spirit’s job to change that person, and not mine.

Another thing you can do, would be to let me what you’re learning about how to deal with relational conflicts that could help our other listeners. I’d especially be interested to know when you’ve seen this “Drama Dynamic,” with the lead actor/supporting actor, played out in your life. I’d like to share this is a future episode, all the while protecting your confidentiality as you wish.

Closing

Before I leave you with our relationship quote of the week, I want to thank you for joining us today, and for showing the world the character of Jesus in the way we relate to each other.

Above all, even in the midst of interpersonal conflict, always remember what you were made for. You were made for THIS. Relationships that: T - Transcend our natural inclination to focus on self, to think a conflict is always about us. That H - Honors others as we bring out the best in them, which at times means being a supporting actor in their life. Where we I - Initiate self-reflection to see where a conflict may be about a chink in our armor. And where we S-Serve God by being an agent of change in the lives of others.

You were made for T.H.I.S.

To close today’s program, here’s our relationship quote of the week

From the closing of Tony’s email to me:

I always find it helpful to learn that others struggle with some of the same things I do. We are not alone in this world, and the more we connect intentionally, communicate openly and talk honestly about our struggles, the more God can use our weaknesses for His purposes. ~ “Tony” from Argentina

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

Mistakes Were Made (but not by me): Why We Justify Bad Decisions, Foolish Beliefs, and Hurtful Acts Why We Justify Bad Decisions, Foolish Beliefs, and Hurtful Acts by Carol Tavris and Elliot Arnonson

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 036, Investing in Relationships. Before we get into this topic with two guests I interview on today’s show, there are a two quick items I want to mention.

First off, for those who would rather read the content of each episode, you can do so by reading the show notes that accompany each program. Just scroll down below whatever podcast player you use, and you’ll find a general description of the episode. It’s not a transcript, nor is it a traditional outline. It’s just notes I work from for each episode. Here in the show notes you’ll see links to resources mentioned in that episode.

Secondly, if you’re not already receiving my weekly emails, I encourage you to sign-up for my private email list. Those on this list get a brief email from me once a week where I share a relationship resource, information about the podcast, or other items that are more efficient to share with you in writing than through an audio channel like the podcast. Listener responses to the various episodes will often be in these weekly emails, and we’ve had some really good one’s lately.

I don’t want you to miss out on this. You can sign up by going to johncertalic.com/blog, and then clicking on the form on the right-hand side of the page. It reads “Access our relationship resources.” It’s very easy to unsubscribe if you choose to do that after giving it a try.

I’ll have a link to this page on my website in the show notes.

Now on with today’s topic of investing in relationships.

If you’ve ever wondered why relationships are sometimes challenging, and if they are worth our investment in them, you’ll want to stick around to hear
what two experts in the field of relationships in the world of global Christian workers have to share with us.

On our program today we have Dr. Robert Lugar and his wife Debby. They are the founders of One Another Ministries, a missionary care ministry in England.

My wife Janet and I have a similar missionary care ministry in the US, that we named “Caring for Others.” But I must confess my envy for what Robert and Debby call their organization, One Another Ministries. It’s my my all-time favorite name of any ministry.

I saw a list recently of all the “One Another” verses in the New Testament. There were 59 one them, “Love One Another” being the most common. It’s just a great name to describe what they stand for.

Janet and I have known Robert and Debby for several decades now, and have worked together with them in a few engagements in North Africa, Spain, and the Island of Guernsey in the English channel. As you’ll soon find out, they are very interesting people.

[Recorded interview]

Here is what I’m taking away from this interview that will be helpful in building better relationships, whether we’re a missionary or not. A few principles that stuck out for me that you might consider too

One of the challenges in relationships is the sense of isolation we experience when our relationships are one-sided. When we’re the one giving and giving, and not getting anything in return. Missionaries, in particular, because of the nature of their work and calling, are susceptible to this. But so are some of the rest of us. I’ve had relationships like that, and I bet you have too. It causes me to ask myself, am I more of a giver or a taker in my relationships?

A former missionary told me recently, “I like talking to you because you fill my
relational tank so that I can listen to the people who drain it.”

It’s important not to give up when relationships are one-sided. Initiate and pursue anyway. Pray that the Lord will bring people into our lives where we have a mutual give and take. In the meantime, don’t pull away.
Good relationships allow for disagreement. They encourage differences.
Good relationships talk through expectations and question assumptions
When you work very closely with people, build in times for fun and recreation. Especially true of missionaries who often work and live in close proximity.

What Robert and Debby and their staff at One Another Ministries are doing with their lives so illustrates what I’ve been talking about when it comes to T.H.I.S. T - Transcendent relating, that goes beyond our natural inclination, that H - Honors God by obey his call on our lives. And that I - Initiates with others in acts of S-Selfless service. We were all made for T.H.I.S.

Before I close, here’s the main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

It’s important to invest in our relationships, even when the return is low, because the alternative is isolation and loneliness.

Here’s what you can do in response to today’s show

One thing we can do is reflect on our relationships and ask God to show us if we are more of taker than a giver. Do we drain the energy from people, or do we pour into them? Do we wait for people initiate with us, or do we initiate with them?

Let’s pray that however we answer these questions, the Lord will show us what to do next. As always I welcome your feedback!

Closing

Before I leave you with our relationship quote of the week, I want to thank you for joining us today, and for showing the world the character of Jesus by the way we relate to each other.

Our goal here is that you will feel good about your relationships, knowing you are doing everything you can through the power of the Holy Spirit in your life to make your relationships the best they can be.

Relationship Quote of the Week

There are no words to express the abyss between isolation and having one ally. It may be conceded to the mathematician that four is twice two. But two is not twice one; two is two thousand times one. - G. K. Chesterton

That’s all for today. See you next time. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

To sign up for John’s private email list: click here

Robert an Debby Lugar and One Another Ministries: OneAnother.com

Missionary care ministry of John & Janet Certalic: Caring for Others

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If you’ve been a regular listener around here you may recall a few episodes back in episode 32, I talked about how we were made for relationships. And one characteristic of a fulfilling and life-giving relationships is that it has an element of transcendence to it. I’ll have a link to that episode in the show notes for any new listeners who want to check it out.

Transcendence, as I mentioned in episode 32, is about rising above our limits or normal ways of doing things. It’s about going beyond our natural inclination to be self-centered, rather than other-centered. It’s to stretch ourselves relationally.

If you wonder what transcendence looks like in a relationship, and want to know how to make more of your relationships transcendent, stay tuned . I’ll explain and give you an example in a story I was involved with recently.

It’s a story centered around a lawn mower.My story starts with how for the past several years my twin grandsons, Grant and George earn money by mowing our lawn.

For a long time now they’ve commented how they like using my lawn mower so much better than their dad’s they use at home to cut their own grass.
It all came to a head recently when they went into a great deal of detail about the sorry state of their dad’s lawn mower. “It’s hard to start. There are parts that keep falling out it it. It slows down unexpectedly, so you have to wait until it revs up to the normal speed, and it takes FOREVER to finishing cutting the grass.”
Their parents were out of town and I suggested we surprise them and take it in for repair, “It probably just needs a few adjustments. Maybe use some Windex like the father in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
They and their mother said “NO!” They’ve had it for over 10 years and taken it in multiple times for repair. The mower had served them well over the years, but it was time to get a new mower.Key phrase from the boys,

“What’s Dad going to do when we’re off to college next year and he’s going to have to mow the lawn himself? This mower is totally unreliable.” I’ll come back to this in a minute.

They had been looking at new mowers, and Michael found one he liked, but it was little beyond what Hope said they could pay. We put our heads together, and each of the boys kicked in some money, so did Janet and I, and Hope agreed to pay the rest.

Decided to do it as a birthday gift.If you are listening to today’s episode in real time, it’s September 25th, my/our son’s birthday. September 25, this very day.
But the mower purchase couldn’t wait, so we all decided to get it and give it too him 3 weeks before his birthday. The need was that great.
The point of this story, and what touches me about it, is when they said

What’s Dad going to do when we’re off to college next year and he’s going to have to mow the lawn himself?

Here’s what gripped me about what they said:

We need to fix this problem now, so dad won’t have to deal with this when we’re gone. We’re worried about him having to use this piece o junk
The anxiety was palpable. The concern genuine.These were 17-year olds thinking like this, so beyond themselves. Thinking about the future and what their absence will mean to their father in this one area.
This is what a transcendent relationship looks like.

When I was 17 and thinking about leaving home for college, the last thing on my mind was who was going to mow the lawn that I used to cut, and who else was going to pick up the slack for my absence and availability for household chores?

How did the boys come to think like this? To think about the needs of another person? This isn’t normal 17-year-old male behavior. This is transcendent relating.

They take care of me, too. I always have the sense they are looking out for me. The come over after Thanksgiving to haul up from the basement our Christmas tree, and then take it down after News Years

They help Janet decorate the tree, knowing it’s not her favorite thing in the world.

How did they get like this? How did they get to be so abnormal?

I first saw it when we’d take them to grade school once a week, and how when they got to the front door entrance, they would hold the door open for teachers or other adults right behind them.

The boys were demonstrating Level 4 relationship skills - Unconscious competence that was the topic of episode 14, Relationship Skills - Level 4. There will be link to the show notes for this episode

What kid does this kind of thing? How did they get like this?

ANSWER
Their parents modeled for them the behaviors I described

They were prayed over by their parents and grandparents. Mention the prayer card developed with their photos and one of their cousins on it. One prayer for each of the 31 days in a month. Here’s the prayer for today, the 25th of the month, for example:

Please enable our grandchildren to choose friends of good character and so be blessed.

It’s part of their value system.

To think about the needs of others. Family is important. Honoring one’s parent.
Anticipate a problem and look for a solution now, while it’s a little problem before it turns into a big problem
To anticipate the needs of another, without asking, “what do you need?’

They got lucky. Other parents I know did all of these things and their kids turned out the opposite of my grandkids. This isn’t a parenting prescription. But it is descriptive of what a transcendent relationship looks like.

_______________

Janet and I took the boys to buy the mower, put it in our car, and deliver it to our son, 3 weeks before his birthday. He was so happy and his happiness spilled over onto us. Our joy came not from the mower, but from seeing what a home run it was with our son as the recipient, and seeing the joy in the boys and hope in being the gift giver.

If two 17-year-old teenagers can think and care about people like the boys did, I can too. And so can you.

In just thinking about the future need of their dad, it brought out the best in the boys. It can work the same for me when I anticipate the needs of others. And it can work in the same way for you, too.

It doesn’t always happen, but every now and then there is real joy in doing things for other people, even when it’s unexpected, as it was when we all chipped in to buy the new lawn mower for Michael.

We can be a positive influence on the people who are watching us. Like the boys are with Eleanor. More people are watching us than we realize.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

There is joy to be found when we reflect the transcendent character of God by going beyond and outside of ourselves to anticipate the needs of another, and then do what we can to help meet that need.

Here’s something you can do in response to today’s show. Here’s a quick win for you.

Pray that God would bring to your mind someone with a need, and what role he wants you to play in meeting that need. And to do so in a manner that goes above and beyond what your natural tendency would be. If you hate using the telephone, who could you call today? If it feels like prying when you ask hurting people how they are doing, push the envelope and ask anyway. If you like getting together with people at a restaurant, invite them to your house instead.

Let me know how that works for you, especially when you experience the joy of going beyond your normal inclination.

Closing

Before I leave you with our relationship quote of the week, I want to thank you for joining us today in this faith community of people who care about transforming their relationships into the best they can be. Who care about showing the world the character of Jesus through our relationships. I’m so glad you are one of us.

You can help us spread the word about what we are doing by leaving a review in iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts. And while you’re at it, please subscribe to our podcast there so you don’t miss any episode when they come out each week.

Above all, always remember what you were made for. You were made for THIS. Relationships that: Transcend our natural inclination to focus on self, in ways that give us a glimpse of what God is like. That Honors others as we bring out the best in people, where we Initiate with others instead of waiting for them to initiate with us, and where we Selflessly serve those God has placed in our path. We were made for T.H.I.S.

Relationship Quote of the Week

We are so instinctively and profoundly self-centered that we don’t think we are. ~ Tim Keller

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Episode 32 - What Am I Here for? What is My Purpose in Life?

Episode 14 - Relationship Skills - Level 4

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A few weeks ago a friend and listener to the podcast asked me in the lobby of our church, WHERE do you get your ideas for your podcast? Others have asked the same thing.

For me, they come from being observant and curious about what God exposes me to. I look at ideas for the podcast, blog, and emails as manna from heaven. God presents me with a circumstance, and I just try to be observant and curious about whatever stares me in the face or is dumped in my lap. There are things God presents to you, too. Things he wants you to be curious about. Things that enrich your life if you’re curious enough to look for it.

Today’s episode is about a chance relationship encounter that has enriched my life. Let me tell you what happened. It my enrich your life, too.

SHOW NOTES

I met Stacey Brown Randall about a year or so go at a podcast training workshop

In passing she mentioned she and her husband were raising their nephew.

This piqued my curiosity, and so I asked if she’d be willing to tell her story about this on my podcast. She agreed and here we are today.

[listen to Interview recording]

Man, what a moving story. Several things grabbed me:

That incident where Stacey tells Dani to obey and he doesn’t, and he says, “you’re not my mom.” I loved her answer.

Stacey’s comment that this journey with Dani has made them better parents. “We’ve had two easy kids to raise, causing us to think we’re amazing parents, and then along comes a child like Dani who breaks us into a million little pieces, as Stacey said, ‘So God can make something new.’ I love that phrase.

When Dani started going to the Wednesday night Bible study and his artwork turned from darkness to light. It’s the power of God to change lives that is manifested.

What’s in it for us as listeners to this story

Here’s what I’m taking way from this interview that benefited me, and hopefully benefits you, too:

What Stacey and her family are doing is an expression of a Transcendent relationship with God that manifests itself in their relationship with their nephew, and now their son. It’s the “T” in You Were Made for T.H.I.S., that we talked about in the last two episodes, 32 and 33.

Stacey and her husband extended themselves beyond what is normal, beyond what is comfortable.

The decision to take him in was made quickly because it was rooted in their values of what it means to be a family and what it means to care for another person who cannot care for himself. The “What to do” came quickly. The “How do we do this” they are figuring out as they go. When our values are deeply rooted in our relationship with God, the question is often more like “How can we NOT do this?”

“We were called to do this,” she said. Others were not. The needs of another family member transcended their own. They had to do this.

“He’s our blood. He’s our family,” Stacey said.

This is transcendent love for God and one’s extended family in action.

The transcendent relationship between God and Dani. The Wednesday night Bible study that brought light into his dark artwork.

Another thing I benefited from in Stacey’s story is the seeing the selflessness of her and her husband’s relationship with Dani. It’s the “S” in You Were Made for T.H.I.S..

Financial cost. Not mentioned, but it’s real.

Opening up your heart to a another child that you did not bring into this world, that was someone else’s responsibility, and seeing your heart broken for him (bottle cap story)

If people like Stacey and her husband can live like this, so committed to the value of family and obeying God, maybe I should too. Perhaps I need to be a little more selfless in my relationships, not necessarily like Stacey and Norm, but with the people God puts in my life.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode. Our show in a sentence

When we work to help others become all they were meant to be, it makes us become all we were meant to be. We were made for this.

What can you do in response to today’s show

A couple of things come to mind. Is there a relationship issue in your life that is breaking you right now? Maybe look to see if God is using it to create something new in your life, like He did with Stacey.

Near the end of the interview, Stacey made the comment

“You need a tribe to do this. You need people to come alongside of you through something like this. Not to judge, but to help.”

Is there a “tribe” God might be calling you to join, to walk alongside someone, not to judge, but to help carry the load of another.?

Now for our Relationship Quote of the Week

Before I recorded the interview I asked Stacey if confidentiality was an issue for her and Dani, and she said it wasn’t because she’s been public about their story in other places. And then in the interview she alluded to the fact Dani may one day listen to this podcast.

So with that in mind, I want to close with a blessing for Dani and others like us, who have hard a rough start in life.

Dani, may the difficulties of your earliest days make you a stronger person characterized by gratitude, forgiveness, and compassion. Gratitude to God for seeing you and rescuing you from darkness, and providing you parents who love you more than you can ever imagine. Forgiveness for the people who brought you into the world, whose unwise choices, harmed you. And compassion for others who are hurting from the holes in their hearts, just as there is a hole in your’s.

May you follow the example of your parents, as you bless others just as your parents have blessed you. And may you use your story to strengthen and encourage others, as you glorify God in reflecting his image to the people he brings into your life.

Closing

Thank you for joining us today in this faith community of people who care about transforming their relationships into the best they can be. Who care about showing the world the character of Jesus through our relationships. I’m so glad you are one of us.

Above all, always remember what you were made for. You were made for T.H.I.S. Relationships that: Transcend our natural inclination to focus on self, that instead give people a picture of what God is like. That Honors others as we bring out the best in people, where we Initiate by reaching out beyond ourselves, and where we Selflessly serve others. We were made for T.H.I.S.

That’s all for today. See you next week. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Prior episodes of You Were Made for This

Episode 32 - What Am I Here for? What is My Purpose in Life?

Episode 33 - The Power of One Simple Question The Power of One Simple Question

Stacey Brown Randall’s resources:

Her website: staceybrownrandall.com

Her book: Generating Business Referrals Without Asking

Generating Business Referrals Without Asking: A Simple Five Step Plan to a Referral Explosion

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I can’t seem to get last week’s episode #32 out of my mind. The one where I mention that if we know what we’re made for, it will answer the question, what am I here for? What is my purpose in life?

I made the case that we were made for relationships, using the acronym T.H.I.S., to describe how in more detail.

Relationships that: T-Transcend our natural inclination to focus on self, that H-honor others as we strive to bring out the best in people, where we I-initiate by reaching out beyond ourselves, and where we S-selflessly serve other people. We are made for T.H.I.S.

This past summer I saw all of these relationship elements played out one evening at a family camp in the north woods of Wisconsin. Let me tell you what happened.

We’ve been going each summer to this family camp, Forest Springs, for almost 20 years. I’ll have a link to Forest Springs in the show notes

We have meetings each evening at camp and one night, the executive director’s wife, Karen, got up and told the story of a chance meeting with a woman by the name of Sarah on the way to the dining hall several weeks ago. Karen said I just happened to ask Sarah, “Tell me your story as to why you are here.”

She went on to say,

“I was so taken by Sarah’s story I asked if she would email it to me, which she did later that afternoon. It so captivated me that I thought you would like to hear her story first-hand.”

And with that Sarah walked up on stage to the applause of about 200+ people in the room. She began sharing her story by explaining how important this camp was to her as a kid, and how she and her two siblings grew in their faith in Jesus by coming to camp each summer. It was the highlight of the year for all of them.

She went on to explain that she’s a a single mom with 3 young kids, one of whom is her 7-year-old son, Levi.

She told about Levi’s spina bifida, his constant pain, 17 back operations, and a recent diagnosis of another rare and incurable spinal disease that leaves her son in constant pain. Given that his life expectancy is a short one, she and her 10 year-old son want Levi him to have the same camp experience they had and to grow in his faith in Jesus like they’ve been able to do.

We need to do whatever we have to get him to camp. Made sacrifice with his schedule.

They came to day camp. They were allowed to stay over night given they lived 3½ hours way. Sarah took off work

Sarah went on and on about how meaningful camp was in light of Levy’s illness and the benefit they all received from this camp experience.

Very emotional presentation by a mom fighting for her son and thanking camp for joining her in that fight.
Appealed to the family campers to continue supporting the ministry of camp.
Not a dry eye in the house. So much compassion for this woman
Half the room of 200+ Adults stood up and applauded when she finished.
People came up to Sarah afterwards and surrounded her.

What a great story. But for me, it didn’t stop there.

_______________________

The backstory, and the one that captivated me the most was how the story even got started, with what led up to her sharing her story. It was what Karen did.

It all started with Karen asking Sarah to “Tell me your story.” and then listening to it. So often we ask people to tell us something about them, and we don’t let them finish and we interrupt and tell OUR STORY as it relates to theirs. Not so with Karen.

As a result, those 200+ people in the audience where moved and grew to appreciate the love of this single mom for her disabled son. They grew to . what camp was doing to care for her and her son..

In addition, Sarah was encouraged by the response. When you’re going through a rough time, it really helps when people know what you’re going through, even though there’s not a thing they can do about it.

As a result, the family campers came to realize, or were reminded that because of their support of this camping ministry, they were part of something much bigger than themselves.

And in the end, God was glorified as he saw his children caring for each other

______________________

Karen’s question to Sarah, “Tell me your story,” brought me back to a vivid memory of several years back when Janet and I visited friends in England who run a missionary care ministry.

Went to Stratford-on-Avon one day. Visited the Shakespeare museum.

Shakespeare wrote 38 plays, 154 sonnets, 118,406 lines, 884,647 words.

9 of these words were chosen to welcome people into the Shakespeare Museum in Stratford-on-Avon, England

“I long to hear the story of your life.” The Tempest, Act 5, scene 1

Of all the words and lines the museum director could have chosen, he chose these 9. They must be very important. Incredible!

Here’s what I learned from this story, and I hope what you learn too. It applies to not just new relationships, but the current ones we have as well.

In relationships, if we look hard enough, a transcendent pearl of beauty can emerge right before our very eyes. It’s the “T” in T.H.I.S. that we talked bout last week in episode 32

Karen asking Sarah about her story, transcends our inclination to be wrapped up in ourselves, to talk rather than listen.

The invitation to tell her story, transcended Sarah’s normal way of relating by keeping her deepest pain and fear and hope for her son to herself. Her situation is not something we normally relate in initiating with a stranger, like Karen was at the time.

Sarah’s explaining the hope she has for her son in the midst of his unimaginable suffering is the hope found only in Jesus. Her hope and desire for her son transcends her circumstances.

In addition to the transcendent aspect of Sarah’s story, there’s two examples of honoring others. The “H” in T.H.I.S.

Karen honoring Sarah by wanting to know her story. It communicates that what I’m going through matters to people. They won’t be able to fix what’s wrong in my life, but wanting to know takes the edge off things. It means I’m not going through life alone. And that’s an honor when people join us on the path we’re assigned to walk down.

Sarah honoring the ministry of Forest Springs and its mission of telling people about Jesus and drawing people to him.

Relationships are a lot about observing and being curious about what you see. It’s to inquire about what is happening in front of our eyes. It’s the “I” in T.H.I.S. Karen initiated with Sarah by inquiring “Tell me your story.”

Then she followed up with her story by asking her to email her story to her later in the day. And there’s another “I” in this example, and that is “Inspire.” Karen’s inquiry led to Sarah given the stage to share her story with 200+ adults that night. It was clear, Sarah didn’t want to draw attention to herself, but rather to draw attention to the mission of the camp, and to inspire people to support it and appreciate it because it draws people to Jesus. That was why it was such an emotional prevention that moistened the eyes of most people the room.

Finally, there is such selfless-service to this story. It’s the “S” in T.H.I.S.

Karen selflessly initiating with Sarah. There was nothing in it for Karen. For her to draw out Sarah

Karen serving the family campers that night by having Sarah share her inspiring story.

It all focused on pointing people to Jesus.

All in all it’s a great example of You Were Made for T.H.I.S.**

I saw first-hand how this incident made Karen come alive. She’s so full of life anyway, but this story filled her joy tank to over flowing. Imagine what can happen to the rest of us living down in the valley, under dark bushes, wrapped up tightly in our blankets of self-focus.

Imagine if we looked for some measure of transcendence in our relationships with people, if we honored people by initiating with them and inquiring into their lives to serve them.

We can all do this, you know. So let’s give it a try!

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

It’s amazing what can happen when we simply ask people “Tell me your story.”

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

Ask someone, in some form or another, to tell you their story. It can take the form of:
I’d like to know your story. Then, “tell me more.”

I’d like to know how this goes for you. I’m sure your fellow listeners would too. Drop me an email with what happens and I’ll share it on a future episode.

Coming up next week

Our first interview of Season 2 comes up next week. I’ll be interviewing Stacey Brown Randall on the relationship issues when we take other people’s children into our home, raise them, and absorb them into our family.

Relationship quote of the Week

If you really listen to what people say, they will tell you everything. - Rick Rubin

Closing
I am so glad you joined us today in this faith community of people who care about transforming their relationships into the best they can be. Who care about showing to the world the character of Jesus through their relationships. I’m so glad you are one of us.

Always remember what you were made for. You were made for

Relationships that: Transcend our natural inclination to focus on self, that Honor others as we strive to bring out the best in people, where we Initiate by reaching out beyond ourselves, and where we selflessly serve other people. We were made for T.H.I.S.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Forest Springs Camp and Conference Center

Episode 32 - What Am I Here for? What is My Purpose in Life?

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Hello everyone and welcome to Season Two, and episode 32, What am I here for? What is my purpose in life? It’s great to be back with you after a summer off from podcasting. I enjoyed the weekly blogs, certainly, but I enjoy the podcasts even more.

To get season two rolling, I want us to consider an important question people will sometimes ask, namely, What am I here for? What is my purpose in life? Thoughtful, reflective people having been asking this question since mankind first showed up on earth.

I want to suggest that the answer to this What am I here for question is found in the answer to a different, but related question. And that question is What am I made for?

I say this because if we have a firm grasp of what we are made for, the answer to what I am here for will become obvious. We will see that our purpose will be to experience the joy and fulfillment of actually being what we are made for.

So then, what ARE we made for? Let’s tackle that question now.

My answer to this What are we made for? question is that we are made for relationships.

In the first chapter of the first book of the Bible, Genesis, we learn that all of mankind is made in the image of God.

We also learn that God is a relational God, with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit of the Trinity interacting with each other.

Since we are created in the image of God, and since God is relational, we are to be relational as well. As people of faith we are to reflect God’s image in all our relationships. We were made for this.

In living as an image bearer of God we can make a contribution and difference in the world through our relationships. We were made for this.

It gives glory to God as we imitate this relational quality of his, especially when we do it well. We were made for this.

When Jesus was asked by the religious leaders of the day what the greatest commandment was, what was the most important thing anyone could do, he responded with “You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.” He said everything we are to do in life is summed up in these two commandments. That is what we are made for. We are made for relationships. Matthew 22:36-39

If you’ve been around here for awhile and ever wondered about our podcast name, You Were Made for This, I hope by you realize that relationships are the THIS we are made for. We were all made for relationships.

This podcast is designed to equip people to make their relationships the best they can possibly be. The 31 episodes from season one were created to give people tools and ways of thinking they can use to enhance their relationships, because on so many levels, it’s our relationships that give our life meaning and purpose. Season two will be no different.

T.H.I.S

T - Transcendence

To be transcendent in our relationships means to exceed our natural inclination as a human being to be self-centered, where our inherent goal is to do whatever we have do to meet our needs and desires. To be transcendent is to move past our focus on self, to focus on others instead. It’s to go beyond “conforming to the pattern of this world” that the Apostle Paul talks about in Romans 12: 2.

When we see our life as a relational one, it acknowledges our need for something outside of ourselves. It’s to admit vulnerability, which can be scary for some. It’s to admit we have needs we cannot meet ourselves.

Maintaining good relationships is a means of worship for any person of faith. Romans 12 tells us we are to present our entire person-hood to God as an act of worship. And this includes our relationships. Three relationships are discussed in the 17 verses of this chapter. Our relationship with God. Our relationship with ourselves. Our relationship with each other; with other people.

We can influence the world and make it a better place through our relationships. People are watching. We model for them what good relationships look like and the rewards that come with relating well.

To transform relationship requires change on our part. We cannot change others, but we can change ourselves. Don’t expect any transformation my reacting. Expect Transformations when WE change.

H - Honor

One of the most relational verses of the Bible is found in the Apostle Paul’s letter to the Romans, chapter 12, verse 10: “Take delight in honoring each other.” (NLT) Notice the “delight!”

We honor someone when we listen to them, which is sorely lacking in today’s culture

We honor people when we try to bring out the best in them. For when we bring out the best in others we bring out the best in ourselves. It’s one way we experience joyful, life-giving relationships.

We honor our relationship with another person when we humbly acknowledge our weaknesses and relational skills, and work to hone those skills for the sake of the relationship.

We honor the difficult relationships in our lives when we allow people to experience the consequences of their choices, even when we see how those choices are so harmful to the person making them.

I - Initiate

Because of the fall, relationships are not as life-giving as they could be. But these relationships can be transformed

Relationships by and large are transformed when we take action, when we take initiative, rather than waiting for someone to initiate with us

We were made to take the initiative in our relationships, regardless how other parties in that relationship may or may not respond.

Cal Newport, in his latest book, Digital Minimalism, tells an interesting story about taking initiative in relationships. You’ll find a link to the book at the end of the show notes. Apparently relationships were important to one of the founding fathers of the United States, Benjamin Franklin.

In 1727 he returned from London, to live in his newly adopted home of Philadelphia. He was from Boston and had no social connections in the City of Brotherly Love. Only 21 at the time, Franklin soon discovered he wasn’t feeling the love in Philadelphia. But rather than waiting for relationships to come to him, he created his own network of relationships he called the Junto Social Club.

It had 12 members, from various walks of life, who met every Friday evening for 38 years to discuss the social issues of the day.

What is important in this story is that Franklin initiated. He stepped out. What if all lonely people did this? What if we all initiated like this?

There are elements of our culture, however, that run counter to the notion of taking initiative in relationships. One of them is the online world of digital technology.

In Digital Minimalism, Newport quotes MIT professor Shirley Turkle who makes the distinction between connection (online interactions) and conversation (real-world encounters between human beings.

Newport and Turtle argue that it is only analog interactions that move the needle in relationship development. "Digital interactions miss the nuances of face-to-face interactions or voice-to-voice communication Absent are the tone of voice, facial expressions. Conversation is what counts.”

S - Self-less Service

[re: Junto society of Benjamin Franklin’s] Franklin structured their meetings around 24 questions. Here are three of them:

Do you know of any deserving young beginner lately set up, whom it lies in the power of the Junto any way to encourage?
Is there any man whose friendship you want, and which the Junto, or any of them, can procure for you?
Have you any weighty affair in hand, in which you think the advice of the Junto may be of service?

Noticed how other-centered and service oriented these questions are.

Franklin’s initiative in starting the Junto Club also comes out of his self-awareness of his need for relationships.

Imagine what our life would be like a year from now if we implemented the T.H.I.S principles (transcendence, honoring others, initiate, and self-less service)? Imagine the fulfillment you would find in your transformed relationships.

Also imagine if we did nothing. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.

If we were to engage in our relationships in terms of these four qualities, (transcendence, honoring others, initiate, and self-less service). The more we exhibit these qualities in our relationships, the more life-giving and fulfilling they will be.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode. Our show in a sentence

You were made for T.H.I.S. - Relationships that: transcend our natural inclination to focus on self, that honor others as we strive to bring out the best in people, where we initiate by reaching out beyond ourselves, and where we selflessly serve other people.

Here’s an action you can take in response to today’s show.

I hope by now you appreciate the importance of relationships. And if that’s the case for you, shouldn’t we then make every effort to make them the best they can be?

I suggest start with looking at the transcendent quality of just one of your relationships. How can you relate more in a way that bears the image of God well? What are some ways you can relate that give people a picture of part of the character of God.

You can do this. I know you can. You Were Made for This!

Coming up next week

I have a great relational story to share with you that I saw played out first hand a few weeks ago. It illustrates many of the T.H.I.S. principles. I found it most encouraging, and I think you’ll be encouraged by it too.

So please subscribe to You Were Made for This so you won’t miss this episode or any of the others coming up this season.

Now for our Relationship Quote of the Week

I am a warrior, so that my son may be a merchant, so that his son may be a poet. ~ John Quincy Adams

Talk about transcendent relationships! Selfless sacrifice and service to his son and grandson.

Closing

I am so glad you joined us today in this community of people of faith who care about transforming their relationships into the best they can be. Who care about showing to the world the character of Jesus through their relationships. I’m so glad you are one of us. I look forward to continuing with you on our journey to bring out the best in each other as we work at being the men and women God created us to be. We can do this! We were made for this!

Until next week, good-bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Summer 2019 blog posts

Digital Minimalism - Choosing a Focused Life in Noisy World, by Cal Newport

Season one episodes on the four stages of relationship skill development:

011_Relationship Skills - Level 1

012_Relationship Skills - Level 2

013_Relationship Skills - Level 3

014_Relationship Skills - Level 4

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Our relationship with time can re-energize us when we return to the rhythms of life that once brought us joy. Today’s episode illustrates the point.

I love living where I do because of the four distinct seasons of the year. Each one with its own unique joys and challenges. You know what I mean. Unless of course if you live in Barrow, Alaska or in Bangkok, Thailand.

I love the rhythm of having one foot in the current season, while the other anticipates the next one coming. I’ve always been a rhythm kind of guy.

Besides climate rhythms, there are calendar rhythms. You know what I mean, here too, unless of course you’re doing a life sentence at San Quentin or Leavenworth.

But lately I’ve been feeling out of rhythm. Do you ever feel that way? That whatever rhythm you’re in just doesn’t feel right? I’ve discovered this is a relationship issue. Our relationship with time.

Today’s episode is an example of one way to relate to time as our friend who whispers in our ear, “It’s time to get back into the rhythm you were wired with. Now’s the time to return to the timing of things that brought you the greatest amount of joy.”

So listen in and see how you can adapt what I’m going to do to transform my relationship with time to make it the best it can be.

Starting at about age 5, I spent the next the first 24 years of my life immersed in the rhythm of the academic school year. First as a student, then as a teacher. On the threshold of summer as my teaching year would come to a close, I would feel eager for the change, but at the same time a little depressed knowing my relationship with my students was coming to an end.

This cycle repeated itself for nearly 8 years before I left teaching for the business world. But even now, decades later, I can’t get this rhythm of stopping and starting out of my system. It’s part of who I am. Because as I said, I’m a rhythm kind of guy.

In particular, I’ve been fighting this rhythm thing with this podcast. My intent was to be consistent and timely with a fresh episode all 52 weeks of the year. That was the rhythm when I had my business. It came with the territory.

But I’m feeling the need to go back to my roots from my earliest days, and embrace that earlier rhythm that was so part of my life.

So here’s the change I’m making: I am going to do what some other podcasters do and that is move from a weekly podcast schedule, 52 weeks a year, to a seasonal schedule. Just like they do with television programs. And as done in schools and universities.

All this to say that this episode is the last one for what will be Season One of You Were Made for This. Season Two will begin in the fall on Wednesday, September 4th, two days after Labor Day when all the kids are back in school.

Moving forward, there’s two parts to this change in rhythm. The first part is what I’m going to do. The second part is what you can do.

_____________

While I won’t be putting out any more new episodes until September, I will be working on a number of other things to help make You Were Made for This sustainable into the future.

The purpose of this podcast remains to help people of faith, particularly missionaries, transform their relationships into the best they can be. I feel a calling to serve more people than I have been by giving them tools, ways of thinking, and and encouragement in one of life’s greatest blessings and challenges: Relationships.

Toward that end, I will be spending the next few months improving the infrastructure of the podcast, namely our web site and the size of our email list. I’ll be working to get the first 30 episodes of the podcast, Season One, out to many more people than receive it now. There are best practices in the podcasting world to do this that I’m looking forward to implementing in the days ahead.

I also plan to use this summer to begin putting together training materials for an online course on relationships that go into more depth than can be done in a podcast .

I am also eagerly looking forward to planning for Season Two of the podcast. This is what I loved about the rhythm of the school calendar when I was a teacher, thinking about the fall and how I could improve upon what I did the previous year. What new things could I try? What things could I do better in the coming year. For me, there was always an energy in planning ahead, and I feel that same energy about this podcast.

One example of something I plan to add to Season Two is more interviews with people about the relationship issues they face. I’ve already recorded one such interview that will air in the fall, and I plan to record more this summer.

Another thing I’m toying with is reviews of books about relationships. I’ve read several I’d really like to talk about because I think they would be helpful to people. So I plan to do more reading. And more thinking and reflecting. And more praying, asking God to show me what to share that would serve people the most in bearing His image well in their relationships.

So that’s a summary of how I’m going to spend my time this summer as it relates to You were Made for This.

And while you won’t be hearing any new podcast episodes from me until September, I do plan to stay in touch with you by way of a very brief emails on a weekly basis or so about relationship topics for you to think about.

Well enough about me. What about you? How can YOU benefit from this change in the rhythm of this podcast. I’ve got a few ideas for you.

If you are a fairly new listener, you’ll now have time to go back to the beginning when we launched on November 28, 2018 to listen to episodes you may have missed. It will help you feel caught up when we begin Season Two on September 4th. If you’ve been a regular since the beginning, you can review where we’ve come from in the content of the first 30 episodes of Season One.

And let me help you with that. First off, have you ever downloaded an episode, but not listened to it? You can do that, you know, and just READ the show notes for each episode. Some people prefer to read than to listen, and that’s perfectly fine.

As I reflect on these first 30 episodes, I notice several themes or components of the podcast you might want to give more thought to.

To transform a relationship it’s up to us, not the other person or entity we are relating with. We have to assume that the only change that will take place will be because WE act. We initiate. Not the other person or entity.
Stories.
The importance of them on several levels. Mentioned it in episode one from November 28, then again in several other episodes. Certainly in the interviews, but also in episodes 15, 22, 23, and 28.
Good relationships take skill. It’s something we can learn if we want to. We covered the four levels of relationship skills in Episodes 11- 14.
- Unconsciously Unskilled
- Consciously Unskilled
- Consciously Skilled
- Unconsciously Skilled
Interviews
- Ruth and Charley Shirley - episodes 8 and 9
- Hannah and Abby Barbeau - episodes 17, 18, 19
- Gail Rohde - episodes 29 and 30
Who is this Carol I mention in every episode? Episode 21 explains.
Show in a sentence. I’m putting a list together of the 30 show summaries in a sentence from Season One that I’ll put on our web site in a few weeks. I’ll let you know when it’s ready.
Relationship quotes. My favorite “We Were Together. I forgot the Rest” from Walt Whitman. That was in episode 14
Listener responses, and the questions and issues you raise. As in episode 20, “Relating with People Who Talk too Much.”

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence for today

Our relationship with time can energize us whenever we’re able to adapt what we do to the natural rhythms that are part of how God created us.

Here’s a way you can act in response to today’s show

What are you doing now that might be done better with a different rhythm? Can you think of ways you could re-energize yourself by trying another rhythm? A simple example: are there things you do now in the morning you could do in the evening? How about the reverse? Are there ways you can use your relationship with time as your friend, rather than your foe?

Instead of doing more with your time, how about doing less with it? And see what happens. Is there a way you could use your time to free you, rather than constrain you? I bet there are.

Is there a rhythm from your past that brought you joy, that for whatever reason you’ve drifted away from? What changes could you make to return to that rhythm?

Coming up in the weeks ahead

Watch your inbox for brief emails from me about relationship topics. I may communicate with you in a blog post instead, I’m not sure yet.

Relationship Quote of the Week

Trying to plan for the future without a sense of the past is like trying to plant cut flowers. ~ Daniel Boorstin

Closing

Well thanks for listening in to today’s episode. If you like what you heard, please hit the “subscribe” button on your podcast player.

And f you’d like to help this podcast serve more people, please leave a brief review in iTunes. It will help search engines to get the word out.

Above all, remember what you were made for. You were made to experience life-giving, fulling relationships. Even in your relationship with time and the rhythms of your life. We’re here together to learn how. I look forward to being with you again on this podcast when we resume with Season Two on September 4th. Good bye for now.

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The longing to belong is a powerful motivator in relationships. It can spur us on to reconnect abandoned relationships, as we see in today’s episode of an adult adoptee finding her birth mother.

In today’s episode we finish the interview with Gail Rohde we started in episode 29. Our conversation with Gail is based on the premise that everyone has a story, and the more we know the story of others, the deeper our relationship can be with them. If you haven’t listened to episode 29 yet it would be better to stop now and listen to it. Then come back to this episode. It will make more sense to you if you do.

Gail’s story is more than just an interesting account of how being adopted played an important role in shaping her life and making her the woman she is today. It’s a story that illustrates some important relationship principles that we can all learn from, whether we’re adopted or not.

So assuming you’ve listened to part 1 of our interview with Gail, you may recall she talked about growing up knowing from a very early age she was adopted. Gail talked about her childhood as being a great one, with very loving and wise parents who openly talked about her adoption.

While Gail was raised by these loving adoptive parents, she was still curious from time to time about her origin. Where did I come from? What was my birth mother like? Why did she give me up for adoption? This missing piece of her own life-story made her wonder at various times while growing up.

On several occasions her parents tried to help Gail locate her birth mother, but to no avail. And then another time, Gail decided she didn’t want to contact her birth mother if she was found, for fear of being rejected a second
time. “I didn’t want a door slammed in my face again. That would have been too painful,” Gail said.

It wasn’t until she started having children of her own did her latent curiosity rise to the surface again. Through encouragement from her husband, Gail sent in DNA samples to Ancestry.com and 23andMe, hoping that maybe her birth mother would have done the same. And that is where we pick up the interview today. Listen in.

[Audio Interview]

What an encouraging and uplifting story, that at the same time illustrates several key relationship principles. I mentioned some of them in part 1 of the interview. There are more that I picked up in this episode

The first one that comes to mind for me is the role her husband played. Let’s see, we’ll call him Mike…..because that is really his name. Mike Rohde. For Christmas or her birthday, he gave Gail an Ancestry.com testing kit, then another from 23 and Me. It was his way of encouraging his wife to deal with the angst and mystery of the events surrounding her birth. Sometimes we need people in our life to encourage us, and help us move us off dead center. Way to go Mike. You raised the bar for all of us.

A second principle I learned is that Gail did something to deal with her angst. She could have continued the rest of her life feeling like a victim. A victim of a mother who abandoned her. But Gail didn’t. She wasn’t like one of those people we all know who do nothing to deal with a problem because they find greater comfort in being the recipient of injustice.

Another principle I see in play in Gail’s story is leaning into her pain, rather than running from it. She was given up for adoption on her birthday, which made that occasion a painful one. “I was abandoned on my birthday, “ she said. But then when she connected with her birth mother, a whole new light was shed on WHY her mother gave her up for adoption.

Gail saw it has her mother protecting her from shame. She realized how painful this was for her birth mother. And with this, she sees her birthday, her birth mother, and her life in a whole new light.

Gail said something along the lines of “When you don’t know the other person’s story it’s easy to become inward focused. Now that I know her story, it is so much less about me, and so much more about her and the turmoil SHE was going through, and what she had to do to give me a life she couldn’t provide, and the sacrifice she made…”

What a great way Gail now looks at what used to be a painful reflection. I don’t know about you, but her attitude inspires me to do what she did with my own set of problems.

And then there was the sharing of this good news with Gail’s adoptive mother in the memory care facility. I loved her mother’s reaction to Gail’s joy, when she said to Gail, “All those years we looked and looked, and now you found her. I’m so excited for you.” Gail’s mom was rejoicing with Gail. It’s rare to see this.

It made Gail free to pursue a relationship with her birth mother without any tension in her relationship with her adoptive mom. Without saying the words, this was a great gift of permission Gail’s adoptive mother gave her. Sometime the best thing we do for people is to give them permission. To remove any barriers so they can experience freedom in what they want to pursue.

When I asked Gail where she saw God involved in all this, I loved her response when she said she saw God in EVERYTHING. I loved how she said she wants to use this reuniting with her birth mother to glorify God. We all need to do the same thing in our relationships, whether adoption is involved or not.

And finally, the last principle I learned from Gail, particularly in her advice at the end to adoptive parents and adoptees, is something I need to mull over because I think it’s rather profound. And it’s this:

Feeling a part of something is more important than feeling loved

These are my words, not Gail’s. It’s my take on her story. Gail felt loved as a child, but not always part of something. We all long to feel part of something.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

With God’s help, and in his timing, there is joy to be found in pursuing a relationship with someone who gave up on us for reasons we don’t understand.

Here’s an action you can take in response to today’s show

Who in your past abandoned you for reasons you didn’t understand when it happened? Could now be the time to revisit that relationship? To purse that person, and to consider the possibility that it might have been just as painful for them? Could it be that God will help you do this, so in the end you will have more joy, and he will get more glory?

Relationship Quote of the Week

This comes from Gail Rohde herself when she said,

When you don’t know the other person’s story it’s easy to become very inward focused. ~ Gail Rohde

Closing
Thank you for joining us today. As I mentioned in last week’s episode, If you know adoptive parents or an adult adoptee, please share this episode with them. I think they’ll find it helpful, as would others who may be dealing with difficult relational issues from the past.

And above all, remember what you were made for. You were made to experience life-giving, fulling relationships. We’re here together to learn how. See you next week. Bye for now

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Episode 029_An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 1

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Behind every relationship is a story. The better we know the story of the people in our life, the deeper our relationship will be with them. Today’s episode is about a woman’s search for her own story. The story surrounding her adoption.

Everyone has a story, I mean everyone. In an earlier broadcast I mentioned that when I was a creative writing teacher back in the last century, I would take my students to the airport to write stories about the passengers they saw in the terminal.

We would all go to the gate area and just observe the passengers getting ready to depart, and those just arriving. I told my students to use their imaginations to write stories that might be behind those nameless faces.

You could do this kind of thing back then. It was so long ago before 9/1l and the TSA. In fact the number 11 had not been invented yet, though we did have 9. And we had gotten up to S in the alphabet, but T was a few years off.

The point of that exercise is that everyone has a story, and the better we are at observing people, and getting to know them, the richer and more satisfying those stories become. And the richer our lives become when we enter into the stories of others.

Today’s episode is an engaging story that has enriched my life, and I trust it will do the same for you. I interview Gail Rohde, a friend of Janet and mine, who shares or her story of how being adopted played an important role in shaping her life and making her the woman she is today. It is an interesting story of the relationships we were all made for.
So listen in.

[Audio Interview]

We’ll pick up the rest of Gail’s story next week when she shares what happened next after she received she received the email from 23and Me identifying her birth mother.
There are a number of things I learned in this first part of Gail’s story that I found encouraging. One is the great relationship Gail had with her adoptive parents growing up. Early on they were open with Gail that she was adopted, and even gave her a book about it at a very young age that she still has. Her adoptive parents wanted her to know who she was, who wanted her to be clear on her identity, even at very young age.

I love that Gail still has the book her parents gave her. It’s a marker to remind her of where she came from, a positive reminder of her identity that’s different from most other people, and that’s perfectly fine. Different is good.

It’s encouraging to me to see the wisdom her parents had in talking about her origins. When there are no secrets, shame has no fertile soil in which to grow. I’m impressed with how so self-assured THEY were in THEIR identity, that her adoptive parents were not threatened by a child who would wonder about hers.

Gail mentioned her friend from high school who didn’t find out she was adopted until she was admitted to the hospital for anorexia. What a shock that was to her, and how she reached out to Gail because Gail’s adoption was out in the open, with nothing to hide. It reminded me of the shock I experienced when I was 10-years-old, and how out of the blue my mother told me I was adopted. No one likes surprises like this. Gail’s parents gave her the great gift of no surprises.

More than this, they helped her early on to try and locate her birth mother because they knew this was a missing piece to their daughter’s identity. They were confident in their relationship with Gail, that they didn’t fear that if she found her birth mother her affection and attachment to them would shift to her.

Other adoptive parents sometimes fear they will lose something dear to them if their child develops a relationship with the birth parents. Not so with Gail’s parents. They were all in for meeting her needs, and less concerned for their own. What a great lesson for all of us who are parents.

And yet Gail’s parents were not perfect, as she describes them. “I can count on one hand the times my mother told me she loved me.” She longed for affection from her mom, but found it instead from her father. “We were very close,” she said. And what a wise man he was. While in hospice he told Gail he himself rarely heard “I love you” from his wife. He helped Gail to realize this lack in her life was not about her, it was about her mom’s personality and the place of pain SHE came from. This truth brought relief to Gail in her dad’s last days. I hope in my last days I can bless someone like he did.

Gail talks a bit more about her adoptive mother in next week’s episode, and the gift she received from her just recently in the memory care facility where she lives. Stay tuned for that.

And though Gail says “I grew up in a great home,” there was still a longing there. Imagine walking in a shopping mall looking at women about the age of her mother at the time, and wondering, “Could that be her? Could that be my mother who gave me up for adoption? Could that be her?” I don’t know about you, but that sure touches my heart.

Yet in her 20’s, Gail chose not to look for her birth mother. You may recall when her dad got too sick to work he offered to be more intentional about helping Gail locate her. Gail said “No.” She was concerned that if she found her mother, the woman would reject her for a second time. “I didn’t want a door slammed in my face. That would be too painful.”

I can picture and feel this ambivalence Gail went through. On the one hand, wanting to know where you’ve come from, and on the other being afraid of what you might find. After all, what kind of person gives away her daughter?

It wasn’t until Gail started having children of her own that she was able to push through her ambivalence did her interest in locating her birth mother rise. It arose out of concerns for the medical history that could affect her offspring. We’ll get into more of that next week.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

Knowing the story of who we are and where we’ve come from is vitally important in living the life God want us to live today.

Here’s a way you can act in response to today’s show

You may not know anyone who’s adopted, but you may know someone who is affected by their painful past. Ask God for wisdom to do what Gail’s adoptive parents did, namely help someone find resolution to their past. That someone may even be you.

Coming up next week

In part 2 of my interview with Gail Rohde, she will talk about what she did after getting that email identifying her birth mother. We’ll learn the feelings she went through, the action she took, what she learned though all this. And where she saw God involved in all of it.
I was inspired by what Gail shared, and I’m pretty sure you will be too.

Our Relationship Quote of the Week

How can we know who we are and where we are going if we don't know anything about where we have come from and what we have been through, the courage shown, the costs paid, to be where we are?

David McCullough

Closing 

Well that’s about it for today’s episode. If you know adoptive parents or an adult adoptee, please share this episode with them. I’d also appreciate you subscribing to the podcast, if you haven’t already done so, as well as leaving a review in whatever podcast player you use. Doing both of these things will help this podcast serve more people.

And above all, remember what you were made for. You were made to experience life-giving, fulling relationships. We’re here together to learn how. See you next week. Bye for now.

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Remembering life-giving relationships from our past is to remember God’s love for us in sending just the right person, at just the right time, to do just the right thing we needed. It’s a Memorial Day to remember. This episode shows how.

I don’t know if they have something like this in other countries, but in America the last Monday of May is a national holiday to honor the men and women who gave their lives in service to our country. It began after our Civil War in the 1860’s when it was called “Decoration Day.” We now call it Memorial Day. A day to remember. It’s an important day here in the US. And this year in 2019, it’s coming up in 5 days on Monday, May 27th.

The day is a reminder that people who have gone before us sacrificed their lives for the benefit of those who came after them. It’s the ultimate form of caring for others. Giving your life for the sake of another.

I must confess I rarely think about this, even on Memorial Day. I usually think instead of having off a day off from work, and getting together with friends and family for the first cook-out of the season. It’s the unofficial beginning of summer.

But this year I want it to be different. I certainly want to reflect on, and be grateful for, the sacrifice soldiers have made for all of us in America. I want to imagine what life would be like, for example, if we had lost WWII.

But for our listeners living in the 32 countries outside of the United States, I’d like all of you to enjoy a Memorial Day, too. I’d like all of us, no matter where we live, to enjoy a day to remember. Here’s how we can do this.

While the American Memorial Day is about honoring soldiers who died in battle to make our lives better than they otherwise would have been, let’s initiate an international Memorial Day to honor relationships from our past that have made our lives better. And let’s honor these relationships simply by reflecting upon them, and remembering what these relationships did to bless us.

[Story of my missionary friend, Ken, who once used my snowblower to clear 6-7 inches of snow from my driveway. Audio version only]

For you our listeners, though, I have a few suggestions for people you could remember. I’ll just read off a list, which I’ll include in a link to n my web site.

So here goes, here are some people you could remember from the past who in some way, made your life better. You could remember the person who:

Gave you money when you really needed it
Took the blame for something you did, either as a child or an adult
Believed in you when others didn’t, or when you didn’t believe in yourself
Loved you even when you were unlovable
Taught you how to read. Imagine life today if you didn’t know how to read
Let you off the hook for something you did
Forgave you
Gave you you a job when others would not hire you
Was silent when they had every right to chew you out for something you did
Was a role model for you
Told you tough things you needed to hear
Took your side, when everyone else was against you
Listened to you
Set their needs aside to meet your needs
Loved you unconditionally
Let you win an argument, even though they were right and you were wrong
Brought out the best in you
Chose not to believe the gossip they heard about you
Asked for your help
Gave you hope when you had none yourself
Invited you to dream
Wanted to hear about your kids and grand kids
Rejoiced with you in the things you were rejoicing about
Mourned with you when you were mourning
Let you talk on and on, without ever shifting the spotlight of the conversation on to them
Sat in the crowded back seat of the car so you could sit up front

So why do this? Why have your own private Memorial Day, absent any parades, cemetery visits, or speeches by politicians?

We do this because it is so easy to forget the blessings of past relationships. It’s a product of the fall of man in the Garden of Eden. We so easily forget. And it’s not so much forgetting where we put the car keys, it’s forgetting people and what they did to bless us and encourage us when times may have been difficult for us. It’s forgetting how God used our relationship with others to care for us. To love us.

So by taking a day to pause and remember the blessings of our relationships, we acknowledge God’s love for us by sending just the right people, at just the right time, to do just the right thing that we needed. It’s a Memorial Day to remember.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

Remembering the blessings from past relationships, gives us hope that God will use other relationships to bless us now, and into the future.

Here’s an action you can take in response to today’s show

You can make the upcoming Memorial Day the best ever.

Ask God to remind you of a person or two from your past who blessed you in some small or large way. Maybe they extended you an act of kindness. Maybe it was something they said to you in passing. Perhaps it was someone who really connected with you by speaking your love language when you needed that connection most. And then ask God to remind you of His involvement in the whole process. You’ll know on your own what to do next.

Relationship Quote of the Week

I am carried on the shoulders of those who cannot see the landscape I describe. I owe them far more than my weight. ~ Betty Barnett

Thank you for listening in to today’s episode. If you like what you heard, please write a review of the podcast for wherever you listen in. This helps search engines to make our show available to others.

Finally, make this coming Memorial Day a day to remember. To remember that You Were Made for This - life-giving, fulling relationships. We’re here together to learn how. See you next week. Good bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

People to Remember on Memorial day

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We knew it was coming. Our 22-year-old daughter Jennifer had already told us they were planning to get married. So the priority mail letter I received from her boyfriend Tim, inviting me to breakfast, was a tip-off the size of Mt. Rushmore. Here's how this important conversation went down.They were both coming to town for Thanksgiving, and he wanted to meet with me the day after. Our Thanksgiving went well, then the next morning we headed off to a restaurant for breakfast. Our son Michael, friends with Tim in college, asked if could come too. Tim said that was fine with him. And so that’s how the beginning of this most memorable of family events began.

I’d like to tell you about it, and what I learned. It might help you when you face what I faced.

It happened on Friday, November 27, 1992, and started at 8:09am at the restaurant. I know that for a fact because the other day I found the cassette tape recording of our meeting buried in a box in our basement. Tim was fine with me recording our session together that day. I can’t remember why I wanted to record it. I know it wasn’t for training purposes or quality improvement like they say every time you’re put on hold o a phone call.

I didn’t think I would ever need it for a court proceeding, or that some reality TV show would be interested. Reality TV hadn’t been invented yet. Maybe I had a hunch I could use it for a podcast episode 26 years later. Oh yeah, podcasts had been invented then either.

After hunting around for a cassette tape recorder, I listened to the 40-minute tape. Complete with restaurant background noise and the waitress asking if I wanted more coffee. From the recording I learned that I ordered a bacon and cheese omelet that morning. Maybe I should post this on Facebook. Carol is rolling her eyes right now.

I am so glad I had that tape, because I couldn’t find my written copy of the questions I asked. I know I saved it on my computer, but that was about 3-4 computers ago. Anyway, here are the questions I asked. You’ll see then in the show notes. You can also grab a copy by going to johncertalic.com/resources. Click on the resources button and you’ll see a page that drops down. Click on that and you’ll find the list you can download.

Questions to Ask the Man Who Asks to Marry My Daughter

Why do you want to get married?
Why do you want to get married now?
Why marry our daughter? There are millions of other women you could marry, why our daughter?
How do you think our daughter will benefit from marrying you? How will you complement her?
How do you think you will benefit from spending the rest of your life with our daughter?
How do you plan to be a leader for our daughter? How will you lead?
Picture our daughter weighing 50 pounds more than she does now. How will you deal with that?
What are the specific things you like about our daughter?
What would you like to change about her?
What are the things you and and our daughter pretty much agree on?
What are the things you and our daughter disagree about?

12.When you and our daughter disagree about something, how will you solve that disagreement?

How do you think a wife should be submissive to her husband? What does that mean to you?
When it comes to decision making in your marriage, how much input do you think our daughter should have in that process?
There’s a passage in the Book of Ephesians that says husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. What does that mean to you?
What about kids? How will you raise your children?
What kind of relationship do you want to have with your in-laws?

If you happen to have a daughter, or a son, you could benefit from what I learned when Tim asked for permission and my blessing to marry our daughter. Here’s what I learned.

I learned about the strength of character of my future son-in-law. I learned how he felt about traditions. I learned to what extent he wanted to have a relationship with us, and what he desired in that relationship. I learned he was willing to put up with what must have been this most awkward of meetings for him, all because he loved my daughter and was willing to do this for her.
I learned that my daughter, in her choice of a mate, still hung unto the values by which she was raised. I never took this for granted, for I know it’s not unusual for people her age to reject the values they grew up with. That wasn’t the case with Jennifer. This was very encouraging.
I learned, only after I experienced it, what a great honor and privilege it is to a be a father of a 22-year old woman. I learned I still had a role to play in my daughter’s life, no matter how old she is.
I learned that Jennifer’s brother, our son, Michael, wanted to be involved -to be part of this important family event in the life of his sister. That he had some skin in the game, too. Either that, or he wanted a free breakfast.
I learned that by asking difficult, but important questions, it gives a father hope for his daughter’s future when those questions are answered well. It gave me confidence that their marriage had a really good chance of succeeding.
I learned that more than permission to get married, your children on the verge of marriage want your blessing too. So look for ways to do that. Look for ways to be encouraged by your child’s choice of a spouse. It will help get both of them off to a good start.

They’ve been married 25 and ½ years now. When I listened to the tape of our 1992 breakfast conversation the other night, I appreciated that Tim is the same person today in character he was 26 years ago. Janet and I are so grateful for that fact, especially having friends who have had the opposite experience. Daughters marrying men who turn out to be not what they seemed to be before the wedding.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

Look for reasons to bless the choice your daughter makes in the man she will spend the rest of her life with in marriage.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

You never know if your kids will marry or not. Most will. To prepare for your kids who do marry, it’s never too early to start praying for their spouse and how they are being raised. When we marry, all of us bring some baggage into the marriage. Pray for your child’s future spouse that their baggage will be a small carry-on you can store under the seat in front of you, rather than a steamer trunk that takes up half the space in the cargo hold.

You can help your children now, even if they just started school, by helping them evaluate their choice of friends. Help them to see what you see. Help them to see what they can’t see. Help them, over time, decide what’s important to them in their relationships. Help them to know how to break off a friendship when it’s appropriate, and how to start a new one. Help them to see who brings out the best in them, and who brings out the worst.

These kind of relationship skills are never too early to learn, and it will pay big dividends if and when they see in someone the potential for a life-long commitment in marriage.

Relationship Quote of the Week

A prudent question is one-half of wisdom. ~Sir Francis Bacon

Closing

I’m glad you listened in to today’s episode. I had mentioned briefly in passing in an earlier episode about the list of questions I asked our daughter’s husband -to-be. One of listeners, Teri, asked if I would do an episode on this topic. So thank you, Teri for that suggestion. I’ve gotten ideas on other relationships topics from other listeners, as well. I’ll be getting to them in future episodes. So Randy, please be patient with me. Your suggestion will be coming up soon. I’d like to hear from the rest of you with relationships topics you’d like to see addressed in the show.

Finally, remember in the days ahead what you were made for. You were made for life-giving, fulling relationships. We’re here together to learn how. See you next week. Good bye for now.

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When relationships problems stare us in the face, we sometimes freeze, retreat, and do nothing. Today’s episode suggests another approach for when we just don’t know what to do.

The four years I spent in college were some of the happiest and most transformative years of my life. It was there that I was exposed to the physical sciences, social sciences, the arts, literature, and my first and greatest love, history. I learned to love learning in college, and though it’s been 4 decades since I graduated, I still reference things today that I learned back then. Just recently, in fact, I was reminded of a very important life lesson I learned as an undergrad.

It wasn’t from a professor or fellow student that I learned this truth, so critical to emotional intelligence and relational development. It didn’t come from a book or research project, or symposium I attended. This fundamental relationship principle was taught to me by a man 30 years my senior, my friend Leon. Leon, one of two janitors I worked with in my summer work-study job as a janitor in the fine arts building on campus.

Before I tell you what Leon taught me, I need to first tell you first about him.

Leon and his custodian partner, Frank worked from 4am to 12:30pm, Monday through Friday. They got to pick those hours because the two of them were good friends and they loved to fish. Every day after work during fishing season Leon and Frank quickly ate a sandwich for lunch, and then headed off to their favorite fishing hole.

The closest I ever get to fishing is to dip a fish stick in tartar sauce. So I had no interest in starting work at 4am. Instead, I slept in and started at 6am.

I loved my summer-janitor job. It would be a delight for any introvert like me. The fine arts building was brand new, and being summer, was not heavily used. Leon himself was a large stoop-shouldered man, an inch or so taller than my 6’2” frame. If you’re familiar with the character of Lenny in the John Steinbeck play, Of Mice and Men, My friend Leon would be a perfect Lenny in the play.

One day I arrived at work at 6am, let myself in the locked fine arts building, and went looking for Leon and Frank in this huge empty cavernous building. I normally met them in the same location each day where they would tell me what I needed to work on that day. On this particular occasion, they were no were to be found. I kept calling their names, which echoed throughout the large empty halls and spaces of the building. I finally found them buffing floors in one of the rehearsal rooms. They couldn’t hear me because the loud sound of the buffer drowned out everything else

They gave me my assignment for the day, and then I asked, “If this happens again, where I come to work and can’t find you, what should I do?”

Leon looked puzzled, then thought for a moment, glanced over at Frank, then smiled and said, “Well just do something. Even if it’s wrong, just do something.” He then chuckled, turned away, and went back to work.

I never forgot that lesson, “Just do something, even if it’s wrong.”

One other memory I have of Leon and and Frank is how they ended the work week. Every Friday, before they left work to go fishing, one of them would say to me, “I’ll see you in church on Sunday…. if you sit by the window.”

My memories of Leon came back to me last week in a Skype call I had with a missionary.

[Story of a missionary who told me about the conflict between his wife and himself with another woman team member. Felt they had to leave. No one stepped in. No one “did something.”]

People are sometimes reluctant to listen because they fear they not knowing what to do if they hear something difficult or uncomfortable. They find it hard to think of what to do. Because they don’t know what to do, they do nothing.

Church leader and staff member being frozen at what they were facing and so because they didn’t know what to do they did nothing. The Bible speaks to the issue of "do somthing."

Philippians 4: 2-3 “Now I appeal to Euodia and Syntyche. Please, because you belong to the Lord, settle your disagreement. And I ask you, my true partner, to help these two women, for they worked hard with me in telling others the good news…”

“True partner” is also translated “true companion,” or “Loyal yokefellow.” Whoever it is is a man, some scholars feel a man by the name of Synzygos. Paul tells him to help, to enter into this relational tension between two two women, to do something. But he isn’t specific about what he should do. “Do something, even if its wrong.”

I have two “just do something - even if its wrong” stories. One turned out well, the other, not so much. I’ll tell you which is which at the end.

[Audio version only]
Read from Page 56 of THEM when Elda says she’s so unhappy and Janet just says, “Hey Mom, would you like to go for an ice cream?” Janet didn’t know what to do, but she just did something.

Elda is a 93-year-old widow with dementia who lives in an assisted
living memory care facility. On a recent visit, Elda told Janet, “I don’t
know why I am still alive. All the people I knew are dead. There’s no
reason for me to live.”

Janet just listened, paused and then said, “You know, Mom, I need
you. You’re my mother and I still need you, no matter how old you
are.”

Elda listened, then asked for the fourth time in ten minutes, “Where
am I living now?” After Janet answered for the fourth time in ten
minutes, she said, “Say, Mom, why don’t we get in the car and go get
an ice cream cone?”

“Okay,” Elda said with a smile. “Now where is my jacket?”
With that, Elda’s depression lifted, and off they went for an ice
cream cone and a pleasant afternoon together. What a beautiful thing
Janet did for her mother. She set aside her own frustration at having to
continually repeat herself, and the ongoing grief of seeing her mother
descend the spiral staircase of dementia. Janet thought of what could
she do to make things a little better for her mother (page 56 of THEM)

The process of “Just do something” didn’t achieve a positive outcome in my meeting with Chuck. But it did with Janet and her mom. The point isn’t the result; it isn’t about the outcome. It is about the process of “just do something - even if it’s wrong” that matters.

When a relationship is in trouble, and we take the risk to enter into that trouble with Godly wisdom and discernment, it creates a growth opportunity for us. It becomes an opportunity to reflect the image of God well. It creates an opportunity to bring about reconciliation and healing between people. It’s an opportunity dropped in our lap to develop our relational muscles, regardless of the outcome. Even If whatever we do doesn’t work, it still counts for something. By trying to heal a relationship and bring out the best in others, we will bring out the best in our self.

There is real freedom in our relationships if we develop the skill of “Do something - even if it’s wrong.”

It forces us to ask God, what is the something I should do that would be wise and helpful. We don’t want to do anything stupid. We don’t want to make things worse, and we need God’s wisdom to guide us.
It frees us from feeling we have to do things perfectly that we have to get it right. Most relational problems can be fixed.
It removes the excuse of “I didn’t know what to do.” It makes us accountable.
It stretches our relational muscles the more we encounter “I don’t know what to do situations.” We’ll try things, and even if they don’t work, we’ll learn from them.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

When faced with a relational difficulty, and you don’t know what to do, just do SOMETHING that tries to make a positive difference.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

What relational disconnection do you see between people that you would like to see healed, but you don’t know what to do about it? Enter in to that disconnection, resolved that you will not retreat and that will do something to try and make things right. Ask the Lord for wisdom as to what that “something” should be, and also for the strength and power to do that “something,” whatever that might be.

That “something” may even be silence, or what looks like passive inaction. If the silence and inactivity are intentional and done for a reason, it can be the very“something” God wants you to do. But if the silence is a reaction and retreat because of fear of making a mistake, well that’s not what I’m talking about.

Relationship Quote of the Week

Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, “What else could this mean?” ~ Shannon L. Adler

Closing

I’m glad you listened in to today’s episode. Remember in the days ahead what you were made for. You were made for life-giving, fulling relationships. But when they’re less than that, and you don’t know what to do, just do something, asking God for help. We’re here together to learn how. See you next week. Good bye for now.

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No matter how difficult our job, there are ways to view our work and daily responsibilities that can bring out the best in us, and draw us closer to God. Listen in to learn how to be encouraged when our 9 - 5 activities are getting us down.

Our relationship with our work is one of the key relationships of life. How we view what we do to earn a living tells a lot about ourselves. Some of us are blessed to be in a career we absolutely love, while others are in jobs or activities during the day that are very unsatisfying and drain the life right out of us.

If the former is true for you, and you love what you do for 8 hours or more a day, listening to today’s episode may give you some insight into the people who are so different form you. It may give you some ideas to help them.

But if the later describes you, where your job or daytime activities are something you dread, and are anything but fulfilling, today’s episode may offer a new way of looking at things that could change your outlook. Either way, listen in. I’ll start with a story.

Our daughter and her family were in town recently for our grandson Nathan’s spring break. They came from their home in warm South Carolina to Wisconsin in April. It snowed the 2nd day they were here. They really do love us. How many people do you know who go north for spring break?

For those listeners in other parts of the world outside of Wisconsin, our state is just north of Illinois where you’ll find Chicago. Wisconsin is the only state in our nation with “sin” in its name. Wis-con-SIN. Maybe that’s why we get snow in April.

I live very near to the city of Milwaukee, which is about 75 miles north of Chicago, and is home to what I consider the most beautiful building in the entire state. The Milwaukee Art Museum, or what most people call it around here, simply The Calatrava. It’s named after the Spanish architect who designed a major addition to the museum, Santiago Calatrava. It was his first designed building in the US, shortly before his career skyrocketed with other beautiful structures all over the world.

Each day, beginning from the night before to 10am each morning, The Calatrava here in town looks like a large white sailing ship ready to launch eastward into Lake Michigan, just several hundred yards away from its western shore. Then at exactly 10am, what looked like two white sails of this ship, slowly separate and open on its north and south sides to transform this ship into a beautiful white bird. The sails become wings. It’s breathtaking to watch.

Later in the day, at 5pm, the two wings, gradually close to transform the bird back into the shape of a sailing vessel. It’s quite stunning. A true thing of beauty. The inside of this museum addition is just as beautiful. White marble floors and walls. Even the underground parking garage is all white, and it somehow lets in ambient light from outside into its cavern underground. The garage itself is worth visiting.

One day during our daughter’s visit we visited The Calatrava, walking through the rooms of a traveling art exhibit, looking at paintings. And reading the description about each one. It was very quiet and peaceful. At one point I saw two gray-haired women thoroughly engaged with one particular painting. The taller of the two pointing to an specific spot on the painting, and whispering to her companion who smiled and nodded. I wanted to eavesdrop, but I think they have rules against that kind of thing in art museums.

After looking at all the paintings, and wandering through the gift shop, we went downstairs to eat lunch in The Calatrava cafe. Our conversation started with how much we all liked the museum building itself, and then the paintings, and the people they depicted.

Our daughter Jennifer then commented, “I felt sorry for the guards watching over each area where paintings hung. That’s got to be a really hard and boring job.”

My thoughts exactly. Dressed in black pants, a cheap black suit coat, white shirt, black tie, black shoes, and black horned rim glasses. Watching to make sure no one stole any of these 6 x 8’ canvas paintings. Watching to make sure no one sprays paint on the 18th century-portraits, like someone did a few years ago on Michelangelo’s Pieta in St. Peter’s Basilica in the Rome.

The guard’s job is to look for manifestations of the worst of the human condition, and then to stop such expressions. Their job is to not trust people. All day long, do not trust people. 10am - 5pm, “My job is not to trust people, to be suspicious of human beings.” What a contrast to the beauty of the art and the building they were looking out for.

Daughter Jennifer’s observation reminded me of comment from a former pastor I talked to about four years ago. I was on the pastoral search team for our church and I made a call to this ex-pastor I knew, living out of state. I had spoken to him several years prior when he contacted me for help in dealing with a messy church situation. He had succeeded his father as pastor of a congregation of about 200. His father had served the church for over 30 years, and was dearly loved by the congregation. His son, not so much. Factions developed and he was beside himself in handling all the drama. He eventually resigned and found another ministry job, but not as a pastor.

Several years had past by the time I called him, and he was doing well in his new position, but I contacted him to see if he would be interested in getting back in the saddle again as a pastor of our 200+ member congregation. He heard me out as I explained our congregation’s need and what we were looking for. When I asked him if he would be interested in pursing this further, he said he’d have to think and pray about it for a few days, and then he concluded with a sentence I still find a bit haunting,

“I don’t know if I want to get back into the toughest job in America.”

I never called him back to follow up.

We have listeners in 25 countries around the globe who I’m sure could care less about the toughest job in America. You may be one of those listeners. But please hang around because today’s episode is not about America, nor about being a pastor. It’s about the human condition that sparked such a comment from my ex-pastor friend.

He went through a gut-wrenching mess at his last church, and my heart went out to him. He clearly was still quite raw from the experience several years back. But is being a pastor “the toughest job in America?” Really? I know what you’re thinking now, and I am thinking the same thing. But let’s extend a little grace to the guy.

His comment reflects several relationship dynamics at play in how we relate to what we do for a living, or how we spend our days making a contribution to our world.

Here’s dynamic #1. When we’ve been through a really tough job situation, where we’ve suffered a lot of hurt, frustration, and disappointment. It’s easy to blame other people, and the job itself, as the source of my problem, rather than to consider the possibility I was simply not a good match to handle the challenges of that situation. I didn’t have the skills or interest to meet those challenges. Rather than saying being a pastor is the toughest job in America, a more accurate statement would be “Being a pastor AT THAT CHURCH was the toughest job in the world FOR ME at THAT TIME IN MY LIFE.” There’s no joy in being in a job where our interests and skill set is not a fit for the job.

Another dynamic is that we tend to think the job we have is so unique and different to the jobs other people have, and that what we do is so much harder than what others do. The reality is: We are not nearly as unique as we think we are.

As a teacher right out of college, for example, I felt I accountable to my students, to their parents, to my principle, and to the school board. Way too many “bosses” to please. People just didn’t understand how difficult this is. No one has as many people to be accountable to as a teacher.

When I was a salesman, no one could appreciate how hard that was, either. No one else I knew was working on commission. No one else I knew had to deal with closing a sale from a pay phone while on vacation in a remote area of Wisconsin with one’s family. People just didn’t understand how difficult this is.

As a business owner, no one else I knew had to be concerned about meeting payroll. With having enough cash in the bank so employees could cash their paychecks. No one else I knew had to fire an employee. People just didn’t understand how difficult this is.

The reality is, other jobs are just as difficult as the ones I had, and many are much harder. And while the details may be different, other jobs had similar challenges. Mine were just not that unique. But we all tend to think they are.

It’s dangerous to compare the difficulty of our job with the difficulty of jobs other people have. To say my job is harder than your job is to compare and evaluate myself in comparison with another person. Don’t do that. It’s envy and it’s wrong. And it’s sin. It’s also prideful, for it presupposes one accurately knows how difficult someone else’s job is.

Dynamic #3 is that almost always, the job we have is the product of a choice we make. If our job is so distressing and hard, we need to quit and get another one. It may be difficult and scary to do this. There may be financial considerations. I might have to move across the country. But it’s all still a choice. No one is forcing anyone to have the job they have. We often think we don’t have a choice. But we most always do. We have more choices than we think. Accept responsibility for our own choices.

And the last dynamic is that every behavior has a payoff, a benefit to it, otherwise we wouldn’t engage in that behavior. If someone chooses to be a guard at an art museum, or a pastor, there’s a benefit to it. It may certainly not be something WE want, but for the people who engage in them, there’s a payoff. Maybe the payoff to the museum guard is part-time income in a stress-free environment, boring as it is, to pay off student-loan debt. Maybe the payoff to my ex-pastor friend was to please his pastor father, who wanted his legacy carried on by his son. I don’t know what the payoffs could be. I’m just speculating and wondering. What I do know for sure is every behavior has a payoff. The challenge is knowing what that payoff could be.

So what are we to do if we find ourselves in the Toughest Job in America? I have several ideas.

Examine ourselves to better understand our gifts and talents, along with our limitations. To what extent can I reflect the image of God well in my current job, given how God has wired me?
Re-assess the job we are in. What are the needs of the position, and how do my abilities and interests fit the needs of the job? To what extent am I using the gifts God has given me to make a positive difference in this job?
If I’m not a fit, why am I staying in this job? What is keeping me for making a change? What’s the payoff to me? Is God trying to teach me something about my character while in this difficult job? Is it possible God wants me to remain i n the “toughest job in America” for reasons I don’t quite understand yet?
Ask God for wisdom and discernment about my career. To what extent am I doing my job well to please God? To what extent am I trusting God to help me with the difficulties of my job? Am I willing to trust God to open up doors to a new job?

These 4 ideas are all about bringing our relationship with God to bear on our relationship with our job and activities during our waking hours. He’s a resource we tend to forget is available to us in dealing with our relationship with our career. It doesn’t have to be that way. The choice is ours.

If we were to do the things I just mentioned, and call upon God to help us with our work life, we wouldn’t feel the urge to compare ourselves with others, to evaluate them in comparison to our self. We’d have more compassion for others in their work, when we see their gifting and talents not matching the requirements of the work they’ve been called upon to do. We’d be grateful for whatever blessings our employment provides us.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence:

How we relate to our job is often a reflection of how we relate to God.

How can we respond to today’s show?

Two things come to mind. First off, if we are employed in a job that makes good use of our abilities and interests, be ever so thankful to God for this blessing. Secondly, look around and notice those who are not similarly blessed. Think of the “museum guards” in your life who are bored to death, think of the “pastors” you know with so many stresses in their life. Then pray for them, show compassion for them, enter into their world as much as they will allow you. And, of course, leave a big tip when you pay your bill.

Relationship Quote of the Week

"There is no deep knowledge of God without a deep knowledge of self, and no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God. " ~ John Calvin

Closing

Well thanks for listening in to today’s episode. Remember what you were made for. You were made to experience life-giving, fulling relationships. Even in your relationship with your work. We’re here together to learn how. See you next week. Good bye for now.

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There’s a richness to learning together in community. Today’s episode is listeners sharing what they’ve learned so far in this podcast, which will hopefully encourage and stimulate your thinking about relationships.

For several years Janet and I have had season tickets to our local repertory theater company. We go with three other friends and see five plays each season. What makes it more fun and interesting is that the five of us go out after the play and discuss it over dinner. Invariably, someone will make a comment about something some of us missed, which leads to an interesting discussion that enriches the whole experience of attending a play. It’s much more enjoyable going as a group than going it alone.

Listening to a podcast is different, obviously. It’s something you do solo while taking the dog for a walk, the kids to school, mowing the lawn, or other mindless activities.

But I thought you might find it interesting if we could adapt my theater-going experience to podcast listening. Where we process the experience as a group of listeners and learn from others what we may have missed.

To that end, in today’s episode I’ll be sharing selected responses from our listeners about past episodes, along with a few of my own thoughts, in the hope of adding to the value you may have already gleaned from prior shows. Hopefully you’ll pick up on something new you may not have thought about.

I’ll have links in the show notes to the episodes referenced in case you missed them, or want to re-listen to any.

So let’s give this a try. I didn’t ask permission to use listeners’ names, so I changed everyone’s name. Their names aren’t real, but their response are.

Maggie, a missionary in the UK wrote “Your podcast is easy to listen to and compelling. This is a great resource for missionaries, so you have been my cooking companion when I listen, and just good ‘ole down time to really concentrate. I’m cheering you on from the UK.”

I’m really pleased Maggie sees this as great resources for missionaries, since that is what motivated me to start this podcast about relationships. I never thought of listening to a podcast while cooking, but I’ll have to give that a try. Both cooking, and listening to podcasts at the same time. I’m not so good at multi-tasking.

And then her comment “I’m cheering you on from the UK.” This gives me an idea for another podcast episode on the cheerleaders in our life. What a great blessing to have someone cheering you on! What a great privilege to be a cheerleader ourselves for someone.

So two things I gained from Maggie’s comments: 1. Listen to podcasts while cooking. 2. Be grateful for those cheering you on, and if no one is, be a cheerleader for someone else! Thanks, Maggie.

Earl from South Carolina.“Your email is great. I will listen this afternoon while painting. I loved your relationships quote (from episode 9 Shadows Connect Us with Each Other) It was on the podcast the day before our dog Lucy died. It was very comforting. “Life only begins when it ends here on earth, that all that is here is only the prologue before the curtain goes up.” - Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

From Earl, I learn that doing some semi-mindless task like painting, can be a good time to listen to podcasts. Secondly, there’s a lot of power in the relationship quote at the end of each weekly podcast. In Earl’s case, it’s the power of words to comfort. So glad to know Bonhoeffer’s words did this for Earl. Thirdly, it stimulates my thinking about the life after this one, and how the two relate to each other. It also provoked some thoughts about the relationship humans have with their pets. I can see a podcast episode on this topic.

Doug. “The podcasts make me think. They teach short practical things that should be part of growing up that somehow I missed, but then I realize I have learned things and continue to learn….you have been bringing out the best in me as I practice these (relationship) skills.”

It’s encouraging to know this podcast is making Doug. think, and that he is finding practical things he can do. I hope it does the same for you, too. Doug. also raises something obvious about relationships that I had not considered before. And that is, some of us are relationally deficient in one area or another, because of how we grew up. We never learned the relational skills we needed to learn.

This helps me to extend a little more grace to people. I hope it does for you as well. And I love it when he says the podcast “brings out the best in me.” I hope the same is true for you.

Gus wrote about the funeral service we did for Julie in episode 15. This is the one where the woman in her 30’s had never fully grieved the death of her parents in a tragic car accident that happened when she was just 4 years old. Gus wrote:

“I think about things in my life where I have chosen to not address over many years that have weighed me down (and continue to weigh me down). It is far better to grieve that which is lost, to let God do the healing.”

I like how listening to this particular episode brought about introspection on Gus’s part. He saw similarities in Julie’s story of how she could not fully grieve the loss of her parents, with his own story.

I hope we all see some of our story in the story of others in the podcast. How they live their story can teach us how to live ours.

Linda. Listener and friend from Colorado Janet we and I have known for years, wrote to say she appreciates that Janet and I point people to Jesus and to others. “I have a pile of books or articles that have been of influence to me that you have mentioned or used, along with a new take on a Biblical character or passage.” I pray that God will provide your needs so that you can carry on, a somewhat selfish prayer really, but God knows that too so I don’t think it bothers him one bit.”

What encourages me about Linda’s feedback is that books and articles people publish have the power to change lives. That’s one thing. The other is that though we may have read Bible passages and characters, we can often learn something new about them when we hear what the Holy Spirit is teaching other people. There’s always something fresh we can find in God’s word if we look or it.

Claire “The episode on grief ( #9 or 15) was tremendously important for me to listen to. Today, for instance, I picked up my friends to go to a birthday party for another friend in our small group. When he rang the bell at our friend’s house someone asked who was downstairs. His answer was ‘Claire and her folks.’ I couldn’t help but get excited about it. As a single I not often get the chance to show up ‘with my folks’ (It carried the emotional meaning of family.) I felt so blessed by this small spontaneous act of kindness. Maybe I’ve never grieved the lack of relationship skills in my family, but I certainly rejoice over the meaningful relationships outside of family that God’s been providing for me. I did not feel isolated or lonely, but enjoyed the bunch of people celebrating our mutual friend.”

Claire is a single missionary in Western Europe and her story so encouraged me in my faith. It’s a story of God doing something so small by giving her friend the phrase, It’s “Claire and her folks,” which so touched her, and how it compensated for the lack of closeness she has with her family of origin. If God will do this for Claire, he’ll do that for me from time to time. I really love this story. God will do the same for you, too!

Marie “I listened to the episodes about the millennial and her Gen Z sister. (that would be episodes 17-18-19) I loved what they said about the church. It was really interesting to hear their perspective on life. I like the idea of interviewing people outside your tribe. Why in the world would they let the bird inside their bathroom??? That was so funny.”

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

When we ask people to share their thoughts about shared experiences we have with them, we’ll often be encouraged and stimulated in our thinking as we learn what they have learned.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

Think of someone you have a shared experience with and ask them what they thought of it. How did they react emotionally to it? And especially try to see if they have a different perspective on what you experienced together. Doing this is just one way to enrich our relationships

Coming up next week

What do you think is the toughest job in America? Something happened to me this past week with our daughter that prompted my thinking about this question, which I’ll be talking about in next week’s episode. It has to do with our relationship with our work AND with each other.

It’s also an example of today’s show in a sentence, of being stimulated in my thinking because of a comment my daughter made about a shared experience the two of us had with my wife Janet, and our grandson Nathan. I hope you tune in next week; I can’t wait to share it with you.

Relationship Quote of the Week

Shortly after Palm Sunday a week ago, the fire in Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris started. Is construction began in 1160, and 100 years later it was finished. It survived two world wars, and as of this writing, has mostly survived the April Holy Week 2019 fire. It’s majestic spire is gone, and there is significant damage below, but it will be repaired. Art historian Liz Lev, in commenting on the fire, is quoted by Peggy Noonan in The Wall Street Journal. It’s a great quote about our relationship with beauty. Here it is:

When the the fire came, for two days it made us let our guard down. It showed us that beauty still affects people, that they know they are custodians of it. We still need to believe in the beautiful. ~Liz Lev

Closing

Well that’s about it for today’s episode. Remember what you were made for. You were made to experience life-giving, fulling relationships. You were made to be a custodian of the beauty found in relationships. We’re here together to learn how. See you next week. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

You Were Made for This episodes:

Episode 9
Episode 15
Episode 18

Wall Street Journal article - April 2019 Notre Dame Cathedral fire

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“The most powerful words in the English language are ‘tell me a story,’” says Pat Conroy. Today’s episode contains two relationship stories that illustrate the power of doing something small that achieves something big.

I can’t seem to get the episode from two weeks ago out of my mind, #21, “The Most Important Relationship of all.” The relationship story I talked about certainly is an active part of my life, but it’s the quote of the week that lately seems to be following me around wherever I go, like a needy lap dog.

We need to remind each other of our own stories.

It comes from page 82 of the book I wrote a few years ago, THEM. I’m seeing the truth of that statement all over again in new ways. I’m realizing how it can go a long way in giving us the relationships we were made for.

Keep reading to find out how.

If you listened to episode 16, “Two Ways to Care for a Missionary,” You may recall the story of Larry and Jill, who went to Borneo with $75 in their pocket, $100 “promised” monthly support and the rock-solid guarantee from the Lord Jesus ringing in their ears, ‘I will always be with you.’” Yeah, that Larry and Jill, that Jill with her insatiable appetite for ….. ice cubes - her one great weakness.

Jill recently wrote to tell Janet and me how honored she felt to be mentioned in that podcast, and also to remind us of another story about our relationship, that I while I remembered it, never really think about it anymore. Here is what she wrote:

“One of my favorite memories that illustrates how you two love and care for your missionary friends is ‘The Christmas Story.’

"Larry and I were transitioning from 33 years overseas in Asia to Florida, a central location for our widening international travel and ministries. We were ‘between homes’…OK, basically homeless at that point. And it was just a few weeks before Christmas - my favorite holiday. Which you guys knew.

"So when we showed up on your doorstep with our numerous heavy suitcases, you led us downstairs to the beautiful guest suite - complete with a live decorated Christmas tree! I will never forget your thoughtfulness and generosity…just the comforting feeling of being truly welcomed and cared for by friends.”

Jill reminded me of my own story, just like the relationship quote from episode 21 encourages us to do.

I share it here for three reasons. First, because it reminds me of how many times in relationships, when we do something small for someone it will often yield big results. Small is the new large.

To go out and get an extra Christmas trip was really no big deal for us. It was a 2 on our effort meter, but it registered a 10 on their love and appreciation scale. It started with Janet and me thinking about their transition….saying goodbye to 33 years in Asia and moving back to this vastly different culture. Saying goodbye to your home at one end of the world, with no replacement home lined up at the other end. And to do so at Christmas time must have made it all the more difficult. I recount this story because I hope it stimulates you to think of something small you can do to bless others.

The second reason I share it, is that by Jill reminding Janet and me of our own story, it encourages me that I am making progress in becoming the person I was made to be. And want to be. It encourages me to think small, to think of small things I can do to bless people. it encourages me to think more of others than I am normally inclined to do, and that I am capable of being more like this than I am normally inclined to behave.

A third point to this story is that there is joy in our story being part of the joy in another person’s story. There is joy in knowing that we can bless people in small ways that they may well remember many years later, long after you stop thinking about what you initially did to bless them. You can’t buy this kind of joy!

Hopefully it will encourage you to do the same thing, because when you bring joy into another’s life, you often receive joy back in return.

Another example of being reminded of my own story occurred earlier this year in January when Janet and I visited my sister Karen in Florida. When you live in Wisconsin it’s a wonderful thing in January to have a sister living in Florida.

Because Janet and I started a new decade of life this year, my sister took it upon herself to organize a birthday celebration for the two of us. It was all quite secret up to the last minute. Karen and I are bookends among our siblings. I am the oldest and she is the youngest. Eleven years separate us. Our parents died over 10 years ago, and I feel a bit like the patriarch of the family, and Janet the matriarch.

Karen, my sister, and my sister-in-law, took us out for brunch on a Sunday afternoon, where we meet my brother Joe and his kids all married now, with kids of their own. Our daughter Jennifer and her husband Tim also showed up from South Carolina.

At the brunch Karen passed out paddles she fashioned with 5 x7 head shot photos of Janet and me, pasted back to back on the end of what looked like a huge tongue depressor a doctor would use on a man the size of Shaquille O’Neal. My photo was taken when I was 13 and had hair, Janet’s was more recent. Everyone started waving the paddles, rotating the photos back and forth. It was great fun. Even the waitress enjoyed it.

After we ate we headed to my brother Joe’s new home where they sang “Happy Birthday,” then blew out the candles on the birthday cake. All the traditional stuff you do at a birthday party. What happened next, however, was anything but traditional.

Weeks before this birthday get together, Karen wrote to everyone in our family, inviting them to this gathering, but knowing most of them could not make it because of the distance and expense. But she asked for people to send her a favorite memory they have of Janet and me. She got 48 email responses, some people sharing several favorite memories. She then typed those responses on a small folding note cards and had Janet and I read them aloud.

[Listen to episode for responses from our own kids, nieces, and my brother and sisters]

What Karen did in organizing this event for Janet and me was to remind us of our own stories. Some of these I have no memory of, others I recall fondly. The whole event did three things for me, one was to appreciate even more my younger sister Karen and all the work she did to put this together. Contacting everyone, methodically typing each of their favorite memories onto the note cards, assembling the paddles with our photos. This was all very labor intensive. And there was a fair bit of expense, too.

Secondly, it told me that Janet and I made more of an impact on members of my family than I realized. It told me that people noticed and we made a difference in their lives, if nothing more than a found memory. And fond memories are worth something.

And finally, and most importantly, what my little sister did was set an example I can follow in my other relationships by reminding my friends of their own story. To remind them of their stories to encourage them and honor them, as Karen did with Janet and me. So here’s to little sisters!

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

We can be agents of joy when we remind others of how our story is part of their story - because after all, we were made for this.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

Who is someone you can remind of their own story? It doesn’t need to be a big party like my little sister arranged, although that was really a lot of fun. It can be something as simple as writing a note to share a favorite memory you have of someone. Like our friend Jill did for Janet and me when she told us her favorite Christmas memory with us. Imagine if we all did this, even just once. You were made to do this, you know. I’m going to give it a try myself this week. How about you? Please let me know how this goes for you.

Coming up next week

We will reflect on some of the listener responses we’ve been getting that will hopefully stimulate your thinking about relationships to make them the best they can be.

Relationship Quote of the Week

The most powerful words in the English language are "tell me a story,” - Pat Conroy

Closing

Remember, you were made for this. Life-giving, fulling relationships. We’re here together to learn how. See you next week. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Episode 21 The Most Important Relationship of All

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

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Relationships are often built upon what we learn from others who share their stories with us. We grow when their story becomes part of our story, so we then have something to pay it forward to others. Listen in to learn how.

I’ve been thinking more about last week’s episode #21 “The Most Important Relationship of All.” It was about a story told to me when I was 19 that set me on the path I’ve been following ever since. I can’t imagine how my life would have turned out if it were not for that story.

What my friend Carol told me on April 4, 1968 was part of her story, which came from the man she calls “Pops” and his wife - and their story. I’m the beneficiary of hearing this same relationship story people have been passing along to others for the last 2,000 years.

When the stories of others have so impacted a person’s life, like they did for me, what are we to do with that? Do we just sit on this blessing, or do we pay it forward? We pay it forward would be my answer. But the answer raises 3 questions. Why do we pay it forward? How do we pay it forward? and When do we pay it forward?

Listen in to the rest of the show for the answers to these three questions: Why? How? and When?

I have always found the term “pay it forward” a bit odd. It doesn’t roll off the tongue easily and just seems an awkward phrase to me.

So I did a little bit of research and found that “Pay it Forward” is defined as “When a recipient of an act of kindness does something kind for someone else, rather than just accepting or repaying the original good deed.”

Well moving on, the term was most likely coined in 1916 by author Lily Hardy Hammond in her novel In the Garden of Delight, where she wrote: “You don’t pay love back; you pay it forward.” Science Fiction author Robert Heinlein is credited with popularizing the term in his 1951 book Between Planets.
The term “Pay it Forward” became more popular in 2000 with a movie by the same name staring Kevin Spacey and Helen Hunt, based on a 1999 novel by Catherine Ryan Hyde. Hyde later established the Pay It Forward foundation, which in 2007 inspired National Pay It Forward Day on April 28th.
Now that would be the day to be on Oprah’s TV show for sure.

All this is probably more background information than you care to know. So let’s move on to Why do we pay it forward with our story? How do we do it? When do we do it?

Why do we pay it forward with our story?
We share the stories that have profoundly impacted our lives because we want other people to experience the benefits we’ve experienced from these stories, because we care about people. We want the best for them. We don’t lose anything by sharing with others what we’ve gained from others sharing their story with us. It’s not a zero-sum game. If we don’t care enough to want this for other people, then we don’t fully understand the story shared with us. If we don’t care, then we need to go back hear the story again so we fully understand its implications. We pay it forward because we care. We pay it forward because it’s just the right thing to do.

How do we pay it forward?
It starts with being true to the story ourself, whatever that impactful story may be. By living out the story with honesty and integrity. We don’t have to live it out perfectly, but we must live it with intentionality. We pay it forward by experiencing growth within us that’s nurtured by the stories others share with us. We pay it forward by telling AND by showing. I’ll share an example in a little bit.

When do we pay it forward?
Short answer: When the time is right. The time is never right when it’s all about feeding our ego. The time is never right when we’re looking to get something in return, when our goal is to be paid back. The time is right when God makes it clear to us. When we feel him nudging us. When we sense the person we’re paying it forward to might be receptive to our story becoming part of their story.
Here’s a brief story that hopefully will illustrate all this. It comes from my book THEM I’ve mentioned to you before. It’s just a few paragraphs I’ll read.

[THEM; bottom of page 83 to the bottom of page 84]

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

When we’ve been blessed by people sharing their life-life-changing stories with us, we’ll find great fulfillment when we pay it forward by sharing our own life-changing stories with others.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

What story has greatly impacted your life that you could pay it forward? Who comes to mind that you think would be receptive to your story? If no one comes to mind, ask God to help you be on the look out for someone.

Coming up next week

I’m still thinking about the relationship quote of the week from last week’s episode, #021 “The Most Important Relationship of All.” It reads,

We need to remind each other of our own stories.

We’ll be examining this idea next week in episode #23. I hope you tune in then.

Closing

In wrapping up today’s episode, may others pay forward onto you the impactful relationship stories in their life. And may you then do the same with others.

And Now Here’s our Relationship Quote of the Week

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.

Soren Kierkegaard

Well that’s it for today’s show. See you next week. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

Episode #21 The Most Important Relationship of All

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Relationships are important, but there is one that is more important than all others. What we decide about that relationship will set the trajectory for the rest of our life. Listen in to learn more. Am I the only one, or do you ever think about how the trajectory of your life has been shaped by a single event you experienced many years ago? And how when that event occurred you had no idea how it would alter the rest of your life?

Each year, when tomorrow comes around, April 4th, I can’t help think but think of the most important event of my life that happened on that day. Just thinking about April 4th will often get me teary eyed. Even after all these years.

What happened on that April 4th still moves me because it involves a relationship, a relationship that after many years continues to grow. I wrote about it in a book I had published in 2016, THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. I’d like to share an excerpt from it that describes what happened. I’ll also have a link to the book in the show notes.

Before I begin, I need to tell you about Carol, as some of you have asked, “Who in the World is Carol?” that I mention at the beginning of every episode. I’ve waited until now to tell you about Carol because she is a key player in the story I’m about to share.

Carol is the person who introduces each episode. She does voice overs and commercials for a Christian radio station in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin that is run by her husband Terry. Last year as I was telling Terry and Carol about the podcast I was starting, they both suggested Carol could record the introduction. She also does marketing at the station, and before this, she hosted a noon-time TV show in Fargo, ND, where her husband Terry was the producer.

I first met Carol through my wife Janet before we were married. Janet met Carol in a class they were taking together their freshman year in college.

So that’s the background to the story I’m going to read from my book, THEM. This is from chapter seven entitled, “Running on Empty.”

[Read the sections from chapter 7]

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

The most important relationship of all is our relationship with Jesus. It is the key to a fulfilling life both in this world, and in the next world to come.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

I just shared the most important relationship story in my life. How about yours? What is an important relationship story you have? Our listeners and I would love to hear it. Please give it some thought and then email your story of a relationship that has impacted your life for the better. You can send it to John [at] Caring for Others [dot org].

Coming up next week

There’s more to be said about the role of stories in our relationships, and that’s what we’ll be doing in next week’s episode.

Closing

Thank you for listening in to today’s show. I hope you found it encouraging to think back to the stories that have shaped your life. My the stories yet to be written about our relationships bring life and encouragement to each of us.

Relationship Quote of the Week

We need to remind each other of our own stories. ~ John Certalic

Well that’s it for today. I look forward to connecting with you next week. Good bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

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What should our relationship be with people who talk too much or otherwise annoy us? Should we write them off as too self-absorbed and move on? Or is there another way to relate? Today’s episode explores this issue.A listener in Florida contacted me recently about a problem they were having that I sometimes have: People who talk too much. People who talk AT you, rather than WITH you. “It is so very draining,” this listener commented. I can certainly relate.

A few days ago I was at at a coffee shop waiting for my friend David to show up to help me with my web site. The place was crowded and the only empty table was next to a group of 3 guys, one of whom was very loud and who talked non-stop. He was holding court for his two friends, who could not have talked if they had wanted to. He had captured all the available air time for himself, and wasn’t going to release any of it for anyone. Watching his friends being talked AT like this made me wonder, “Why do they put up with him?”

While waiting for my friend, I just wanted peace and quiet so I could think. It was quite annoying to be so close to what seemed to be this self-absorbed man who appeared to be rolling over his two friends with his inexhaustible amount of verbiage.

Like my listener friend in Florida, we all know people like this. They can be exhausting.

When they are not talking about themselves they may pause to ask a question, but then very soon turn the spotlight of the conversation back on to them. It’s like playing tennis where the talker serves the ball, you as the listener volley a response back, but then instead of hitting the ball back to you, the talker keeps it on his side of the net.

How do yo relate with a person like this? Do you avoid them? Do you fight for air time? This is the subject of today’s show, How do I relate to people who talk too much?

I don’t know if this would work for our listener friend from Florida, but in my better moments, when I’m not my usual self, I would begin to deal with this annoying problem of someone talking too much by focusing on ME. That’s right, with ME. I would deal with ME first.

I would do so by asking myself a bunch of questions. Because often the solution to our difficulties often arise out of the questions we ask. Let’s use my recent coffee shop experience with the dominating talker as an example. Here is what I need to ask myself in situations like this.

Why does this annoying person bother me so much?

The two friends of Mr. Talker Man were obviously not bothered by him. Why am I? They chose to meet to meet up with him at the coffee shop, so there must have been some perceived benefit in getting together with him. But why did it bother me and not them?While they had a choice to be in his presence, I did not. The only available table for me was right next to him. Could my lack of a reasonable choice be why I was bothered so much? I think there’s more to it than just that.

What need do I have in this situation that is not being met?

The need for peace and calm so I can think and reflect. A busy coffee shop may not be the best place for this. So it may be my fault for having this unrealistic expectation. Maybe what I needed was to at least have my need for calm and quiet to be acknowledged. But then how would Mr. Talker Man, or anyone, know that’s what I needed? I didn’t even know until I thought about it later.

Does this situation trigger something else going on inside of me? Does it remind me of something else? If so, what is it?

Yeah, I’ve been in conversations with people who talk AT me like our Florida listener. Where I feel like I’ve been pushed into a corner with a tsunami of words. Where I don’t get a turn to talk. Maybe that’s it, I want a turn. I don’t want to hear a monologue, I’d like a dialog. Maybe this situation reminds me of other conversations in the past where a dominating talker has little or no interest in what I have to say. Maybe this event is just triggering my feelings of being marginalized in other areas of my life. Hmm.

Could it be that what is annoying me about this person is a flaw I have myself? Is it possible I’m not much different than the person who annoys me?

Ouch. Yeah, I can recall leaving a conversation with friends when I’ve been so animated, and realize later I talked way too much. I’m going have to try harder next time.

Having done some self-examination of myself, it would now be helpful to consider the annoying person, the dominant talker, by asking a bunch of questions of ourself about the other person.

How did they get this way, with talking too much or other annoying behavior?

What was their upbringing like? Large family? Did they have no voice? Did they have to fight for air time?

What is the payoff for the person to dominate conversations like they do?

Every behavior has a pay off, some benefit to it, otherwise we would not engage in that behavior. I wonder what it is for dominating talkers. I wonder it it could be he needs to be the center of attention to feel good about himself. I wonder if he’s afraid of people getting too close to him relationally, that he takes over the air waves to protect himself from others getting to know him.
Hmm.

Could talking too much be a strategy they developed years ago when they were younger - that worked for them then. But now it’s doing just the opposite?

We sometimes do this when we’ve come from a dysfunctional childhood. We developed skills that helped us survive back then, but we continue to use them in the here and now as adults, even though they’re no longer appropriate or helpful.

Is this the one area where they can exert a measure of control?

Perhaps they lack control in other areas of their life, and this is the one part of their life where they do have control.

Is the talker just self-absorbed, or is he just lonely?

Peggy Noonan, in a recent Wall Street Journal article about the manufactured political strife in our country, quoted the Irish saying, “Contention is better than Loneliness.” We do all kinds of things to combat the loneliness many of us feel. Here’s an example. [The Bible study story with "Mary"]

It would have been easy to write Mary off as just self-absorbed. But there was something deeper going on. She was just lonely. It’s a lot trickier when it comes to dealing with our friends who talk too much, or otherwise annoy us.

How can I be more like friends of the talker and embrace who the talker is rather than want to flee from him?
Would setting a boundary with people like this be a good idea, or would it be just an excuse to be self-protective and distance myself?
How much energy do I have available for this relationship? If I invest more fully in this relationship, will that take me away from other relationships that are of higher priority?
Should I have a heart to heart talk with my friend, about what they’re doing that annoys me? Story of Tom and “Let me ask you this….”
Why is it hard for me to look upon people like this with compassion, like “Sheep without a Shepherd” like Jesus does ? How can I be more like Jesus?
How can I show grace and cut the person some slack?

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

People who annoy us often expose hidden issues within us, that when exposed and dealt with, can lead us to more fulfilling relationships with people.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

Think of an annoying person in your life. Ask yourself the questions I suggest, and see if it doesn’t move the needle of your compassion meter just a little more into the positive zone. You’ll find those questions in the show notes.

Coming up next week

I will talk about the most important relationship of all. And as if that was not enough, I’ll answer the most common question I get about this podcast: Who is Carol? Be sure to tune in next week to find out.

Closing
I hope you found today’s episode beneficial in considering the issue raised from our listener in Florida, How do I relate to people who talk too much. I’d love to hear from more of you about relationship issues or questions on your mind…as long as they’re not dating questions. I’ll leave that to the gazillion of other podcasts that focus on that. You can send an email to me at john@caringforothers.org.

Finally, If you’d like to help see this podcast grow, please write a brief review in iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts. I would greatly appreciate that as it will help the word about what we are doing..

Relationship Quote of the Week

The only questions that really matter are the ones you ask yours ~ Ursula K. Le Guin

Well that’s it for now, I look forward to connecting with you next week. Bye for now.

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Our relationships are enriched and encouraged when we get to know people outside our own generational and relational box. Today’s show brings encouragement in abundance from a Millennial and her Generation Z sister.

The last two episodes, 17 and 18, about the relationship between two sisters, has triggered some thinking in me that I want to share with you today. There’s been quite a bit written about Millennials, and increasingly more about the generation coming up behind them, Generation Z.

But what I liked about talking with Hannah and Abby Barbeau the last two shows is that there was nothing academic or sociological about it. No theories or research studies. No abstractions. It was all about real-life relationships in day-to-day living. I’m grateful to them for giving us all a concrete picture of how people their age view relationships, and what we can learn from them.

As I mentioned at the end of last week’s episode. I walked away encouraged by what I heard from this younger generation. Today I want to explain why - so that hopefully you will be encouraged too.

To put my encouragement in context, I want to share several observations about Abby and Hannah’s comments about relationships we discussed over the last 2 weeks.

Last week for example, in talking about their generation’s relationship to the church, Hannah echoed what I’ve read and heard from other millennials about the Church, namely, We’re interested in Jesus; but the church? Not so much.

She talked about sin is happening in the church and how people have been hurt by the church. That the church contributed to broken relationships. Hannah’s comments surprised me a bit with how strongly she felt.

But I can identify with her feelings - even as a baby boomer. There’s a church in our area where Janet and I used to be members that had the same problem Hannah identified. We ultimately left that church, because in a nutshell, they didn’t treat people very well. Programs were more important than people. Some of my friends were hurt by the leadership of the church, and it was hard to watch this pattern of neglect. We just couldn't be part of it anymore. Their mistreatment of people was not intentional, I’m sure. To borrow a term from episode 11, they were unconsciously unskilled in loving and ministering to people.

But we didn’t leave THE church, instead we found another congregation, another expression of the church of Jesus Christ we could feel part of with integrity.

I was glad to hear that Abby and Hannah were not giving up on the church, that they view it as a necessary part of their lives. I liked what Abby said about what her Generation Z is looking for in a church: “good teaching that speaks to my soul.”

I love that phrase, good teaching that speak to my soul. Not self-help tips you can pick up at a Kiwanis club meeting, but good teaching that speaks to my soul.

Hannah went on to say Millennials want authenticity and vulnerability in the church, where one’s faith is integrated into all of life. Where people’s brokenness doesn’t need to be hidden. She said her generation wants to see people in the 30’s, 40’s, and older living out their faith.

Abby said Generation Z wants older people in their life, people who could walk through life with them. They want to be mentored by those who have gone ahead of them. Here is where I would push back on this a bit.

My experience is that younger generations will often say this, but it seems like it’s more an IDEA they embrace, rather than a reality. When younger generations need help, when they want guidance, they turn first to their peers, not to someone who dealt with what they’re dealing with years before.

They trust their inexperienced friends more than experienced older people they don’t know as well.

This lack of trust and confidence in what older people think may be the fault of older generations. Millennials and Gen Z may see such a short supply of older people with wisdom that it doesn’t occur to them to think beyond the box of their own age group.

This is all of course, based on general observations and not true of everyone. And you have to remember, I don’t get out much, so maybe I’m all wrong. But I would be interested in what you as listeners think about this. I’d appreciate some feedback on this issue. Let me know your thoughts in the comment box of the show notes or in an email, john [at]caringforothers [dot]org.

Another observation about the interview with Abby and Hannah was their positive view of missionaries overseas and their young adult children back in the States. I loved how encouraging they were to both parties in the relationship. To college student MK’s here in the US, I think it was Abby who said “Stay curious; keep your heart open. College is tough, but you’ll make it.”

Then to parents, Hannah said “If God has called you overseas, stay there. He’ll watch over your kids.” It’s not about the physical distance that separates you, it’s the emotional distance. Keep the emotional distance short and you’ll remain close, regardless of the distance.

I love the example she gave of her 27-year-old roommate, an adult missionary kid whose parents are serving in France. Hannah spoke about how this physical separation from her parents is one means of God developing character. She talked about her roommate finding family in a church, and how incredibly important a church family is to young adult MK’s with parents living abroad.

My last observation is about the quote of the week Hannah left us with last time, Your job as a parent is not over when your child turns 18. I still need my parents, even though I’m 26. That view is so contrary to the prevailing view of parenting that baby boomers like me grew up under. In the 50’s and ’60’s when I was growing up, most parents really did feel their job was done. That was the norm. Age 18 marked more of a passage of freedom for parents than their children in those days.

I’m really glad that notion has changed and that Millennials and Gen Z’ers do want involvement from their parents.

My final observation, which differs from my “last observation,” is that my interview with Hannah and Abby raises two questions. The first is “What if I have a sibling and want a closer relationship with him or her than I currently have. What should I do?”

My answer would be to take the first step. You be the initiator. Be the one who goes first. If your overtures aren’t received well, don’t give up. Try again later, give it some time. Your sibling may not be ready for a closer relationship yet. It may even be years before they are ready, but keep in mind, no one knows your early history like your sibling. It’s worth keeping the relationship door open. And it’s worth venturing out every now and then to close the relational distance between you.

The second question is “As a parent, what if my adult kids are distant from each other and I would like them to have a closer relationship? What if I wasn’t the best parent in the world when my kids were growing up and failed to create a loving home life that Hannah and Abby talked about?”

To this I would say as before, initiate. Be the first one to step forward. Apologize. Ask for forgiveness. Tell your adult kids if you had to do it over again, what you would have done differently. Walk the fine line between creating a loving family environment now, without over-engineering circumstances to bring people together.

All this is a start at least.

Now for the encouragement piece. I was encouraged by our conversation with Hannah and Abby in five areas. Five areas I hope you are encouraged in, too. Here we go:

1.) I was encouraged that Millennials and Gen Z’rs are not giving up on the church. They don’t want to be part of the sin they see in the church, but they want to work to make it better. They’re way of doing church and getting closer to Jesus may be different than the way I would do it, but they still place a high value in the role of the church. That encourages me.

2.) I’m encouraged by their comment that “sermons still matter, and that they want something to feed their soul. It’s not about ear drum busting music, broadway stage productions, or even good coffee in the foyer. It’s about feeding their souls. That encourages me.

3.)I’m encouraged by the priority they place on authenticity and vulnerability in relationships. They don’t want anything pretentious or phony. They want real relationships where struggles can be admitted. Where the messiness of life can draw people together rather than pulling people apart. This encourages me. It encourages me to be more like this.

4.)I’m encouraged that at least in what they say, their generation values the experience and wisdom of older generations. That they want to learn from them, that they don’t want to stay confined to the relational box of their own generation. That encourages me to reach out to them a little more than I do, and see what happens.

5.) And finally, I’m encouraged they still want an emotional closeness with their parents. That just because a parent’s nest is empty, doesn’t mean the job of parenting is done. I’m encouraged by their high view of parenting no matter what stage of life the child is in. I love being a parent, and now a grandparent. It keeps me young.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

There’s encouragement to be found in getting to know people from different generations outside our own relational box.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

Let’s take to heart advice from my breakfast buddy, Mike - my retired pastor friend I mentioned in last week’s episode. Mike said

“I encourage people my age to adopt a millennial.”

Janet and I are taking a step in that direction later this week when we have a millennial couple and their baby over for dinner. They initiated with us months ago by inviting us to dinner at their place and we’re finally getting around to returning the favor.

Coming up next week

We’ll be talking about a relationship topic brought up to me by a listener recently: Relating with people who talk too much.

Our Relationship Quote of the Week

It’s never too late to be what you might have been. ~George Eliot

Mary Anne Evans, known by her pen name George Eliot, was an English novelist, poet, journalist, translator, and one of the leading writers of the Victorian era. She wrote Silas Marner which I had to read in 10th grade.

Closing

What an encouraging quote, It’s never too late to be what you might have been. There’s still time to change. Still time to become the best version of our self.

Thanks for listening in today. And one last time, be sure to check out Hannah and Abby’s blog, Shifting Shadows at shiftingshadowsblog.com. I’ll have a link to it in the show notes. May you be encouraging in all your relationships, and may you find encouragement yourself in doing so. Goodbye for now,

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Shifting Shadows Blog

017_Two Sisters - Part 1

018_Two Sisters – Part 2

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Today I want to finish the interview we started in last week’s episode 17, ” Two Sisters - Part 1.” If you listened to that show you may recall that I spoke with two sisters in their ’20’s, Hannah and Abby Barbeau. It was to learn what we could from them about sibling relationships, and also their thoughts about other relationship matters. Their perspective, as a millennial and someone from Generation Z, - suggest principles we can all apply to OUR relationships, regardless of our age.

Before we continue the interview, I need to mention that in the audio recording there are several spots in today’s episode that appear to be dead air. You might think there’s a malfunction in the recording because of the silence. There is not. I could have easily edited out the silence, but decided not to, because periods of silence are often part of substantive conversations. And we were having a substantive conversation. There were several times I asked a question, where Hannah and Abby paused to reflect on what they were going to say next. That’s a good thing!

In workshops I give on the subject of listening I talk about the concept of Let silence do the heavy lifting. Contrary to what you might think, a lot is going on in the silence. Thoughts are being carefully formed in one’s mind in order to articulate those thoughts in a meaningful way. So while it might seem awkward as the listener during silence, please know that important work is going on in the mind of the other person. Don’t rush to fill in the silence. Let silence do the heavy lifting. One of these days we’ll do an episode on silence and the role it plays in healthy relationships.

Carol, my executive producer, said she’ll try to see if we can book Marcel Marceau on as our guest for that episode. Great idea, Carol!

Well enough talk about future episodes. Let’s get on with the one for today with Hannah and Abby so they can finish their story about relationships. You’re going to find this interesting.

[Audio recording]

There are several things I learned - and felt - over these past two episodes that I’ll talk about in just a minute.

But to wrap things up for today’s episode, here’s the he main take-away, the big idea, our show in a sentence

Older generations play an important role in modeling for younger generations what healthy, authentic relationships look like.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

Ask a question or two of someone in a different generation than you. Try to get a glimpse into what life is like for them. What are their joys? What are their challenges? And who knows, a relationship might even develop.

Coming up next week

I can’t let this conversation we’ve had over the last two episodes with Hannah and Abby just end without commenting on what they had to say.

So that’s what episode 19 will be next week - reflection and observations about what they shared. I can sum it up for you in one word: “encouraged.” So tune in next week if you’d like to be encouraged too.

Quote of the Week

Last week’s quote of the week came from Abby Barbeau. This week I want to go with something her sister Hannah said in today’s episode. As a millennial talking about parenting Hannah said,

Your job as a parent is not over when your child turns 18. I still need my parents, even though I’m 26.

~ Hannah Barbeau

Closing

Thank you for listening in to today’s episode.

Until next time, try to move the needle forward just a little bit in your relationships. Move it forward more by what you do, and less by what you say. Goodbye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Episode 17 - Two Sisters - Part 1

Shifting Shadows blog

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I recently had breakfast with a pastor friend who retired last year. A very young 70-old guy who is now off doing other meaningful things with his life. Among other things, Mike and I talked about the transition he led his congregation through to prepare for his passing the baton on to the next generation of leadership at his church. He talked about the importance of the older generation disciplining and mentoring the younger crowd. Mike said, “I encouraged people my age to ‘adopt a millennial.’” I like that phrase, “adopt a millennial.” He encouraged the baby boomer generation to get to know those coming up behind them, and to make a positive impact in their lives. What a great relationship concept.

In today’s show I interview two people from this younger generation. Two sisters in their ’20’s, Hannah and Abby Barbeau, to learn what we can from them what life is like for their age group. Especially in the area of relationships, both with each other as siblings, and with their peers. So hear we go. I think you’ll find this interesting.

[Audio Interview]

We’re going to take a pause here and pick up the rest of the interview next week.

There are a number of things I’ve learned so far from Hannah and Abby in their relationship as sisters that we can apply to most relationships. One of the most obvious to me is that close intimate relationships are possible across generations.

Hannah was 26 when we recorded this late last year, born in 1992, which makes here a millennial. Abby, however, as a 20-year old, born in 1998 is part of Generation Z. There are distinct differences between these two age groups. And then we see with Hannah and Abby differences in their personalities. Hannah describes herself as being more emotional and wanting to be active and do things. Abby describes herself as being more guarded and more of a home-body.

But none of these differences keep them apart. In fact, the differences enhance their relationship, and they bring out the best in each other.

A second thing I learned is their closeness as sisters was born and grew out of a loving family life. It was Abby who said, “Love from your parents helps you to love others.” What a great encouragement to parents, that they can impact the world through loving well their own children. A child who is loved, will eventually love others well because they saw it modeled growing up.

Regarding love, they both talked about the importance of sacrificing one’s desires and preferences in order to stay connected with the other person in the relationship. How at times we need to change in order to stay connected with each other

They both talk about their relationship being intentional that it was a choice they made to form a closeness with each other. And that closeness has to be nurtured.

And finally, I take away from the story of Abby and Hannah’s relationship is that it’s helpful from time to time to evaluate our relationships and to ask the other person something along the lines of “is this still working for you? Is there anything I can do or be for you that will help us stay connected.”

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

No matter how different we are, we can have a close relationship with someone if we’re both intentional about sacrificing our preferences for the sake of the relationship.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

Set a time and place to have a conversation with someone you’re in relationship with and ask, “Are we doing okay in our relationship? Is there something you’d like from me that maybe you’re not getting? What can I do to make our relationship the best it can be.”

Coming up next week

We’ll finish our interview and discussion with Hannah and Abby. You’ll hear their view of the church as a millennial and generation Z, along with their thoughts on relating to older generations like Gen X’rs and Baby Boomers like me. They’ll also share their take on missionaries overseas with their young adult kids back in the States, and what millennials and generation Z need from their parents NOW.

Quote of the Week

Carol said we should go with something Abby said in today’s show that impressed her, and that is

Love from your parents helps you to love others. ~ Abby Barbeau

Closing

That’s it for today. I hope you found it interesting to hear from two sisters in their 20’s. If you did, I’d appreciate you referring this podcast on to someone you know.

Leaving a review in iTunes would also be appreciated. Until next time, make the world a better place by transforming your relationships into the best they can be. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Shifting Shadows Blog with Hannah and Abby Barbeau

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Relationships between missionaries and those who send them are designed to be mutually beneficial. Today’s episode describes how to care for that relationship, and what the people back home get in return.

Listener Responses to Prior Episodes

The first one is from a missionary who served in Asia, and is now living in Germany. She responded to Episode 9 Shadows Connect Us with Each Other. “I was touched by the point you made about ‘healing takes time.’ It sums up last year’s journey for me in a nutshell.
~ R.G., Germany

Another former missionary, now living in CA, who works in member care with a large mission agency, responded to episode 10, Two Features of Every Good Relationship. “If we have an equal deeply trusting relationship, we’d better hang on to it! It’s rare… Some people simply are not capable of making deep relationships, and to expect more of them is unrealistic. It could be that by loving modeling, I can bring them along on the relational road. If that’s the case, I would normally expect to give more than my share.”
~ L.G., California

Finally, a current missionary who served in Asia for 30+ years, and is now on the executive leadership team of his large mission based in Florida writes: “Just listened to your latest episode. Thanks for your kind, heartfelt messages about such an important subject - relationships. Certainly teaching us to live!” He then writes, “Off now to a full day of meetings … and relationships here.”
~ L.G., Florida

We’ll read more listener responses from time to time. I would love to hear from more of you about what you find encouraging and helpful in our time together. Your feedback could encourage others.

On to today’s topic, Two ways to care for a missionary.We talk about relationships here all the time in this podcast, and one relationship I find especially interesting is the relationship between missionaries and the people back home who support and care for them. Let me start by telling you a story of two missionaries Janet and I have come to know and love. We’ll call them Larry and Jill. Not because we’re trying to protect their confidentiality, but because that really is what their names are - Larry and Jill.

We first met them at a mission emphasis week at a church we were attending about 20 years ago. It was a large church supporting a large number of missionaries at the time. At one of the nightly services during this missions emphasis week, the congregation was encouraged to sign up to host one or more of the church’s missionaries for lunch or dinner. So Janet and I went out into the lobby and signed up to host this couple, Larry and Jill, for dinner. We didn’t know them from Adam, much less anything about them.

When met for the first time we immediately clicked with them and started a journey of friendship with them, that after all these years, shows no sign of letting up. I’ll share just one event that speaks volumes as to why we love these two people so much.

In 2003 Larry and Jill celebrated 30 years of missionary service and they sent a letter to the people on their mailing list, where they said

“On March 16, 1973 we stepped off the plane in steamy, tropical Borneo, Indonesia, with $75 in our pocket and $100 ‘promised’ months support, and this rock-solid guarantee from the Lord Jesus ringing in our hearts: ‘I will always be with you.’ He who brought the universe into existence by the word of His mouth certainly could have promised us anything under the sun: total job satisfaction, steady income, comprehensive health coverage, big bonuses, great retirement benefits…but this was His best offer: ‘I will always be with you.’ Then He made sure that the next 30 years were filled with opportunities for us to decide over and over again whether that simple promise was enough…So on our thirty-year anniversary of service in Asia, we humbly join our voices with those down through the ages who have said with glad hearts, ‘He truly is more than enough.’”

Who wouldn’t want to care and support people like this? They do so much to encourage us to live a full, meaningful life, without ever saying a word about how to do it. You’re encouraged by just watching them, and becoming more like them. They’re probably blushing now as they hear this.

I hope you have a rich relationship with a missionary like Janet and I have with these two. If you don’t, look for one. There are more people like Larry and Jill out there than you realize. They’re all over the place.

To care and relate well to missionaries like Jill and Larry, and anyone for that matter, it’s important that we first think in two broad principles.

Know Them
Ask yourself, from what I know of these people, regardless of how little that might be, What must life be like for them? Considering this question will get you started on beginning to know them.

To know someone is to anticipate their needs, and not just wait for them to tell you.
Ask what ministers most to them?
Observe them. Take note of what interests them. What do they talk about?
Pray. Ask God what you could do to care for them.

Think in terms of Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. I’ll have a link to the book and information about this concept in the show notes below. His book has sold over 11 million copies (I wonder if he tithes on the book sales.)

Know Yourself
Reflect on what relationship skill comes naturally for me? What am I good at? How has God gifted me in caring for people. What comes easy for me? Am I good at very practical things, like handyman projects? Do I enjoy cooking and preparing meals for people.

What comes hard for me? What’s more difficult for me? Id listening to people share their struggles difficult and draining for me?

How might God be calling me to stretch myself and develop new relationship skills? What might he be calling me to do in order to stretch myself?

What are my priorities right now, knowing they can change at any minute. Every time I say “yes” to something, it means I’m saying “no” to something else.

To care well for missionaries, start with these two broad principles, Know them/Know Yourself.

After this, then consider the practical things you can do to care specifically for missionaries. Think in terms of a continuum of care.

Continuum of Care

Think of care as a horizontal line representing a continuum. On the left side would be things that require very little us, but at the same time would help make a missionary feel cared for. Something as simple as Welcome Back!

On the right side of the continuum would be activities that would require a great investment on our part, something like Arrange for counseling for a missionary family at a residential treatment center

There are all kinds of other things along this continuum that we can do that fit in between these two extremes. Moving from left to right along the continuum are activities like (I’ll have these listed in the show notes at the end of this episode):

Reply to their email updates and prayer letters
Send an email with news from back home
Mail a note or letter of encouragement
Pray for them
When they are back in your area, invite them to your home for dinner
Send a care package to them overseas
Send them money
Invite their MK in college to your home for Thanksgiving or Christmas
Call them overseas once a week
Start a prayer group for them
Send them to a retreat
Travel to visit them overseas
Listen to them
Refer to a local counselor
Meet with them weekly

Results a listener will experience when he/she implements the solution.

When you put into practice what we’ve talked about, your life will broaden and expand. You’ll learn about people and places you will never visit yourself. You will create opportunities to enrich your life with relationships like Janet and I have with Larry and Jill.

You’ll exercise your “relationship muscles” as you practice your relationship skills we talked about in recent episodes. The more you exercise these muscles, the more developed they will become.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

When we truly know a missionary, and accurately know our self, the way we can best care for a global Christen worker will become obvious.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

Ask God to show you a missionary you can reach out to that he wants you to know better. It can be a missionary you already know, or someone like Jill and Larry who at first will be strangers to you.

After that, take some time to know yourself and what you’re capable of in terms of caring for the missionary God is calling you to initiate with. The practical outworking of how you care for that missionary will fall into place.

Coming up next week

Next week, as always, we’ll be considering ways we can transform our relationships into the best they can be.

Quote of the Week

It is absolutely crucial, therefore, to keep in constant touch with what is going on in your own life's story and to pay close attention to what is going on in the stories of others' lives. If God is present anywhere, it is in those stories that God is present. If God is not present in those stories, then they are scarcely worth telling.
~ Fredrick Buechner

Closing

Thanks so much for listening in today. I’d love to hear from you about anything relationship related. You can leave your thoughts in the comment box in the show notes, or you can send an email to me, john {at} caring for others, {dot} org. You can also private message me in Facebook.

If you think today’s episode might encourage others who care for missionaries, please forward this episode on to them. If you or your organization would like to know more about caring for missionaries, we are available to put on workshops on this topic for churches and mission agencies. You can contact us through our missionary care ministry, Caring for Others. See the show notes below for how to reach us.

Until next time, make the world a better place, one relationship at a time. Bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

The Five Love Languages

Caring for Others. Contact us for more information on our missionary care workshops.

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One relationship situation that can be a challenge for a lot of us is relating to someone grieving the death of a loved one. Before we delve into this issue, I want to share some Listener Responses to prior episodes

I find that the study of relationships and people is a life long journey I am glad to be on. Although sometimes it is rather depressing, when people don’t want to embrace change or grow out of destructive patterns. That being said, I find that to engage in deep relationships both parties must be willing, there must be a level of truth and honesty along with love & listening.Thank you for your study of people and your deep caring, listening and now sharing via pod cast to encourage others. ~ V.N., A Colorado listener

Keep up the podcasts. I have been encouraged by them. I liked the one about giving out rewards for being. I want to try to work it in my family’s birthday celebrations this year. ~ Steve, listening in Georgia

I’m glad Carol talked you into doing a follow-up episode to the interview you did with Charley and Ruth Shirley. It was excellent, encouraging, and challenging. ~ Randy, a listener from Pennsylvania

I have more responses that I’ll share next week. I would love to hear from more of you about what you find helpful and meaningful from the podcast. It will hopefully encourage and challenge you as it does for Randy, our listener in Pennsylvania.

Back to today's topic of relating to people grieving the loss of a loved one.

I’m recording this in the month of February, a month when one of our daughter’s close friends lost her baby just five minutes after he was born. Kelli, if your listening today know that I think of you and Scott every February 22, the day you lost your Sweet Baby Ben. There are no words to express the sorrow.

At the other end of life is losing our parents. There are no words either when their death comes unexpectedly in the prime of their lives. In today’s episode I have a story of a group of people who didn’t need words to help one of their own bring closure to 30 years of grieving. Grieving the loss of her mother and father in a tragic car accident.

Hopefully the story will inspire you to help someone grieve when you have no words either.

Several years ago a friend of our family was going through a particularly hard time. Her name was Julie, she was in her early 30’s at the time, and my wife would go to her to get her hair cut. I did, too …. until she ran out of hair to cut. The part ion my hair got wider and wider, to the point there was precious little left to cut. We all went to the same church.

During one of my hair cut appointments I noticed that Julie was unusually quiet, and so I asked her if she was okay. She responded by telling me it was close to the anniversary of her parents’ death in a tragic car accident, and that this year it was bothering her more than in years past.

I had learned from previous conversations that Julie was 4 years old living in Iowa when her parents were killed, after which time she and her 4 siblings moved in with her mother’s sister living in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Hers was not a happy childhood, as her aunt and uncle, who had three kids of their own, were ill prepared to take on five more children to raise.

In asking Julie about what was harder about this particular year than in the past she said she didn’t really know for sure. All she knew was that the sorrow of what happened to her at age four was affecting her more this year for some unknown reason. She talked of wondering what her life might have been had her parents not died, if she had been raised by them on their small farm in Iowa, rather than by her aunt and uncle in Milwaukee.

The next few times I came in for my haircut, Julie would bring the same subject up again, and she seemed more troubled each time. I suggested she consider talking through this some more, and offered to meet with her in my office. This was during the days of my recruiting business.

She thought that would be a good idea, given how this was affecting her. So for the next several months, she would come to my office on Monday afternoons, which was her day off, to work through this. When she came to visit she relived her childhood with me, talking all about her parents, her siblings, and all manner of things related to how she was raised. Each time the sorrow of her parents’ death weighed heavier and heavier on her.

Then she started bringing in cassette tapes of her mother talking to her sister, the one who ended up raising her in Milwaukee. Instead of writing letters back and forth, they recorded tapes and sent them to each other, several times a month.

Julie would play these tapes for me, and then analyze each word and voice inflection, trying to understand more about her mother and their family life prior to its tragic end. This went on for weeks, and frankly, it was getting tiresome. We kept going over the same ground over and over again. She was stuck in this loop of replaying over and over a series of “what if” scenarios about what her life might had been had her parents not been killed.

We were not getting anywhere. It was what someone once described about counseling sessions like this, as an airplane circling an airport again and again, but never landing. Julie needed to land. I remember one session in particular where I had reached the end of what I though I could to help her, and where I just prayed while she talked, “Lord, what can I say or do to help Julie? I really need your wisdom and guidance from you. She’s hurting very badly over all this and I’m not really giving her much help. Help me to help her.”

As I listened to more of her story, an idea came to me that I know, without a doubt, was from the Holy Spirit. It seemed crazy at first, and I thought if I bring this up with her Julie will think I’m nuts. But the more I listened to her, the stronger I felt that this idea from God might help. So I said to her,

“Julie, you were four years old when your parents died. You’ve talked about the dim and vague memory you have of the funeral. I’m wondering if because of your young age when all this happened, and your inability to process it all at that time, that you’ve never fully grieved the death of your parents, but that’s what you’ve been trying to do for the past several months. I know this might sound odd to you, but how would you feel if we had a funeral for you, now? I would call the people you want to be there, and we could have it right here in my office some evening this week?”

Without giving it another thought, she agreed to this immediately. We set a date later that week in the evening, she gave me the names of the people she wanted there, and I made the phone calls. Everyone that Julie wanted there said they would they come. They all knew about the grieving Julie was going through, and they were all very eager to help in anyway they could. Within 20 minutes the whole thing was arranged.

There were about a dozen of us there that night, in our makeshift funeral home. We did all the things you do at a funeral. We wore black. I made arrangements for some to sing, some people to bring flowers, and others to bring food. Julie wanted this little funeral service recorded so she could send a copy of it to her sister in Nashville, who was having similar struggles over the same issues. So we did that, too. When people arrived, they came up to Julie hugged her, expressed how sorry they were for her loss, and cried with her over the sudden death of her parents thirty years ago.

My role was to officiate the funeral, so I gave a talk from Joshua 1, where Joshua is dealing with the death of Moses, and the grief he must have felt during this time, and how God tells him three times in the first chapter to be strong and courageous in the midst of his loss. I mentioned the commission God had now given Joshua to pick up where Moses left off in leading the nation of Israel. The point of it all that I tried to make was that just as God was there for Joshua in his loss, he is there for Julie, in her loss.

I concluded my little talk with describing for everyone what I learned about Julie’s parents from the tapes Julie played for me. How they were very loving parents. I told the story of the last recorded tape of Julie’s mother, that was made less than a week before she was killed. Julie’s mother was telling her sister, in this tape, how it was nearing the end of March and that Julie, 4-year old Julie, needed winter boots because hers were worn out.

Her mother talked about what bad shape Julie’s boots were in, but how she knew that if she got her boots now, she would outgrow them by next year. Yet there were still weeks of winter left in this year’s winter, and Julie needed them now. As I described this, I pulled out a box that I had hidden and gave it to Julie. As she open the box, she started to cry, for inside the box where a pair of children’s boots to fit a four-year-old girl. Small white rubber boots with pick trim around the edges.

I looked at Julie, addressed her directly, and said something along the lines of “Julie, these are the type of boots I know your mother would have gotten for you. You now, it’s March now, just as it was when your mother recorded her last tape, and I know now first hand how hard it is to find children’s boots in the middle of March.

"I went to four different stories looking for boots like these, and each place I went I was told they didn’t stock boots any more since it was nearing the end of winter. But I finally found a pair, Julie. And I know that your mother would have kept looking until she found a pair, too, because she loved you so very much. Try to think of these boots as also representing God’s love for you. That you are worth whatever inconvenience or sacrifice are needed. That whatever the cost, you are worth it, because he loves you so deeply.”

The service ended, and there were more hugs and more tears. What stood out for me this remarkable evening was how a dozen people or so, all of whom were prompted and directed by the spirit of God, took time out of their busy schedule to gather together to care for a hurting friend. To help her grieve over a tragic loss that happened almost 30 years ago. It was Jesus himself orchestrating all of us to help her grieve this loss.

Something happened that night for Julie. She saw God’s love for her in the midst of her loss. From that night on, she was able to let go. In the days, weeks, and months thereafter, Julie talked less and less of this tragedy, and was able to move on. The loss is still very real, even to this day, but so is the love of God that she saw demonstrated that night by people who had no words.

So there you have it, a story that illustrates the principle that we overestimate the power of our words, and underestimate the power of our presence. When we truly believe this, it takes the pressure off feeling we need to say something to hurting people. People forget what we say, but they remember what we do. Julie’s story reminds me of the quote of the week from episode 14 by Walt Whitman, “We were together. I forgot the rest.”

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

When we have no words, God will show us other ways - if we ask him, to help hurting people know we’re in it together with them.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

Who are some people you are avoiding because, while you care for them, you’re at a loss for words to show you care? Give God a try, asking him for another way beyond words to deepen your relationship with them.

Coming up next week

Next week, as always, we’ll be considering ways we can transform our relationships into the best they can be.

I’ll also be reading more listeners responses to our podcast, and I’d love to hear from you about how the podcast encourages you. You can leave your thoughts in the comment box in the show notes, or you can send an email to me, john {at} caring for others, {dot} org. You can also private message me in Facebook.

Quote of the Week

What he needs from you is to be his friend, and then to show up.
~ from The Soloist

Closing

Well that’s it for today’s show. In the days ahead may you find ways to deepen your relationships. If you found today’s episode helpful in this regard, please forward it on to a friend. Until next time when we connect again, bye for now.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Episode 014, Relationship Skills - Level 4

The Soloist

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 14, Relationship Skills - Level 4. This episode is the last of our series on the 4 levels of relationship skills. But before we dive into this topic, I want to share some listener responses to our podcast that have been coming in since we started at the end of November 2018.

December 19.
Hi John, I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed the last two podcasts specific to joy. It made so much sense to me. ~ C.M. - Wisconsin

December 24.
Hello John, Your message is timely for me this season. And I very much appreciate your appreciation of the women in your life! Thank you. ~ M.J.B. - Wisconsin, the only state in the union with “sin” in its name.

December 25.
Just wanted to let you know that I have listened to the first five installments of your podcast and was impressed with the professionalism of its production. I particularly liked #5 The Gift of Joy Part 1. Haven’t listened to Part 2 yet. ~ E.L. - Iowa

December 28
Dear John, The days of December have whisked by with preparations and then carrying out about 7 major events in my home, work at the orphanage, and one on one visits. Because of that I have missed 4-7, but am taking a day off today to rest and regroup (tomorrow is the last outreach for us in Dec.) I will have the great joy of listening to all of
them today. Thank you for your faithfulness. I feel like you are my Pastor. ~ D.W.

I have more responses that I’ll share next week. I would love to hear from more of you about what you find helpful and meaningful from the podcast. Not for my benefit, but more as an encouragement to the community of listeners to the podcast that is slowly developing.

Okay. Back to the topic of today’s show. It was just last week a listener ran into my wife Janet and was talking to her about this series on relationship skills. She commented something along the lines of, “I’m not sure which of the relationship skill levels is most characteristic of me.” Maybe you’re wondering the same thing. It’s a useful question to consider, because it will help us know how far we have to go to get to the top level of relationship skills, which is the focus of today’s episode.

Here are a few questions we can ask ourselves to determine the level of our relational development:

In thinking about relationship difficulties you have, does the thought ever occur to you that the source of those difficulties might be YOU? Do you notice you lack some basic relational skills? Are you even aware that relationships are a problem for you? If you answered “No” to any of these questions you are at level 1, the Unconsciously unskilled (U.U.) level of relationship skills.

If you answered YES to any of these questions, congratulations, because you are making progress! You are at level 2 of your relational development, Consciously unskilled (C.U.) You know you are making mistakes in your relationships, but you don’t know what to do about it.

If your lack of relational skill does not concern you, and you accept the fact that this is just the way you are, this is where you will remain. Consciously unskilled in your relationships. Your relational difficulties may be so troublesome, that you resign yourself into thinking that things will probably never change. So why even try.

On the other hand, if you want to change and want to get better at relationships, no matter how overwhelming some of them might be, you are well positioned to move up to level 3, Consciously skilled (C.S.)

You are at the Consciously skilled (C.S.) level when you start to see progress in how you relate to others. You’re not perfect by any means, and the progress may be slight, but in some areas you see real growth in how you relate that is different from how you may have related to people in the past. You may be less critical and more willing to extend grace. You may let other talk more than you when you’re with friends. You may ask people to clarify more often what they mean, rather than your natural tendency to make assumptions. You may have always been a good listener, and you want to continue to nurture this skill. If any of this is true for you, you are at level 3, Consciously skilled (C.S.).

As good as it is to be at level 3, there’s an even higher level of relationship skills. Level 4- Unconsciously skilled (U.S.) This is where you are skilled at relating with people and you’re not even aware of it. It’s woven into the fabric of your character. It’s who you are. You may not have always been this way, but over time relating well with people has become second nature to you. You’re kind without thinking about it. You give people the benefit of the doubt as a matter of course. You see your own pride and selfishness rearing it’s ugly head from time to time, and you take action to squelch it. You discern the motives of people without being judgmental. Compassion for others comes naturally for you. You are Unconsciously skilled (U.S.)

The $64,000 question is this, How do I become Unconsciously skilled in my relationships?

It starts with what I mentioned in episode 13 about level 3 of relationship skill development. I said that to become skilled in our relationships is to listen to 3 different sources of relational wisdom - Listen to our self. Listen to others. Listen to God.

When we pour our energies and focus into listening to these sources of relational wisdom, especially listening to God, when we do this well, and do it often, over time, like any other skill we practice, in time our relational skills will improve to the point they’re embedded in the DNA of our character. But it takes time and a desire to want to improve our relational skills. We have to want to. This “want to” is what I mentioned in episode 10, Two Features of Every Good Relationship.

Listening to self, for example, is for the purpose of creating a feedback loop to alert us to mistakes we make in our relationships. From this, we can take steps to correct them. For example, do you ever wonder if you talk too much when you’re with friends? I do. I can usually tell later when I replay a conversation in my mind and realize later I didn’t learn what was happening in the lives of my friends. I took up all the air time so they couldn’t talk. I’ll try harder next time to let others have the floor. The more we practice self-editing, we can over time become more unconsciously skilled in our relationships.

Listening to others, particularly writers and speakers, and putting into practice what they teach, is a great source of wisdom. Here’s just one example, I find myself applying some of the things I learned in Cal Newport’s book, So Good They Can’t Ignore You - Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for the Work You Love. It is a great book on the importance of skills, and the relative un-importance of passion. He talks about developing a “craftsman mindset where you focus relentlessly on what value you’re offering the world. This stands in stark contrast to the much more common passion mindset which lets you focus on what value the world is offering you.”

Newport’s focus ion the book is developing career skills that are valued in the marketplace, but the principles he discusses apply just as much to our relationship skills I hadn’t thought about this until just now, so one could say I was unconsciously skilled in learning from the wisdom and experience of others.

As helpful as it is to listen to ourselves, and to listen to the wisdom of others, the most fulfilling and exciting means to become unconsciously skilled in our relationships is to frequently listen to God.

I’ll close with a story of how a couple of my friends were unconsciously skilled in caring for me. Hopefully it will encourage you that you too can become unconsciously skilled in your relationships.

I call it my Balloon story. I write about it extensively in a memoir I wrote in 2016, THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. I’ll put a link to it in the show notes, as well as a link to the Cal Newport book I referenced, So Good They Can’t Ignore You.

[story was shared on the podcast]

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

The more we monitor ourselves, learn from the wisdom of others, and listen to God, the more unconsciously skilled we’ll become in our relationships.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show:

Start with devoting just the next 5 days to applying one or more of the the principles we’ve been talking about the past few episodes. Be directed in how to do so by listening to yourself, to others, or to God himself.

Coming up next week

I’ll be reading more listeners responses to our podcast so far, and I’d love to hear from you about how the podcast is helping you. By sharing this will hopefully encourage others in transforming their relationships into the best they can be. You can leave your thoughts in the comment box in the show notes, or you can send an email to me, john {at} caring for others, {dot} org. You can also private message me in Facebook.

In addition to sharing listener comments next week, we’ll also look at some concrete practical things we can do to deepen our relationship with others.

Quote of the Week

We were together. I forgot the rest. ~ Walt Whitman

Closing

Well that’s it for today’s show. It’s always good to know you’re listening in. I hope you find the podcast helpful. If you haven’t already done so, hit the “subscribe” button in whatever podcast player you use. That way you’ll know when each new weekly episode goes live.

That’s all for now; have a great rest of your week, and we’ll connect again next time.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

So Good They Can’t Ignore You - Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for the Work You Love, by Cal Newport

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others by John Certalic

Prior Episodes of You Were Made for This:

Episode 013, Relationship Skills - Level 3

Episode 012 Relationship Skills - Level 2

Episode 011, Relationship Skills - Level 1

Episode 010 Two Features of Every Good Relationships

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Hello everyone and welcome to episode 13, Relationship Skills - Level 3. If you are a first time listener, please know that this podcast is all about relationships and transforming them into the best they can be. We started a series on the four levels of relationship skill a few weeks ago. And today we’re focusing on level three. I’ll have links to the previous tywo episodes in this series at the bottom of the show notes.

In the two prior episodes we talked about our varying stages of awareness of our lack of relational skills.

This episode answers the question, “now that I know my relationship skills need some improvement, what can I do about it? How do I get better in relating to others?” Stay tuned, because that’s what we’re going to be consider today.

But first, let me quickly run through the four levels of relationship skills, then we’ll come back and spend the rest of our time on level three.

Unconsciously unskilled (U.U.) This first level is when we don’t have a clue as to how unskilled we are when it comes to relationships.

Consciously unskilled (C.U.) In this stage we’re making mistakes in our relationships with people, and we know it. But we don’t know what to do about it.

Consciously skilled (C.S.) Level three is when we’re pretty self-aware of the relational skills we need, and we work on developing them. Much more on this in just a moment.

Unconsciously skilled (U.S.) And finally in level four we’re good at relating well with people, and aren’t even aware of it. We’re not even trying; it’s just part of who we are. It’s even hard to explain the skills we are using in relating with others. We’ll talk about this next week in episode 14.

Consciously Skilled (C.S.)

Back now to consciously skilled, level three. There is so much we could consider and talk about when it comes to specific and particular relational skills that would be helpful for us to master. We’ll doing a considerable amount of that in later episodes in You Were Made for This. For now, though, I want to paint with broad strokes a framework and process by which to acquire important relational skills. I’ve given this a lot of thought and reflection on how we learn new skills, and when it comes to relationship skills, in its essence, it comes down to mastering just one key concept. And that is to

LISTEN.

Listen in to three different sources

Listen to Self

What are my healthy and unhealthy patterns in how I relate to people? What are the patterns I should keep and nurture? What are those I should discard?
For signs of my self-centeredness and pride in the way I relate to people?
Ask our self, How am I bringing out the best in people, and how are they bringing out the best in me?
Evaluate how much of a giver I am, and how much of a taker am I in my relationships?
To what extent am I reflecting the image of God in my relationships
What specific relationship skills am I lacking?

Listen to Others

We develop relational skills in community. It’s not something you can do alone.
Put a lid on your own stuff for a time so you can observe others
What is my level of “holy curiosity” about people? Ask your self, “From what I know of the other person in my relationship, what might life be like for them?
What might be their joys and challenges?
What are the emotions that seem they are likely feeling?
What could they be afraid of right now?

Illustration: Field trips to the airport and zoo with my creative writing class

Who can teach me what I need to know? By their example and what they model (Vern Grambush, mentioned in episode four, The Gift of Even Though, and Miss Baumert). By what they have written or produced in books, films, music, and even podcasts.

Seeing a counselor or therapist can be very helpful in this regard.

This podcast is a tool that whelps you learn the specific skills that will enhance your relationships

Above all, Listen to God

In what we read in the Bible
To what he prescribes (Husbands, love your wives)
To what he describes ( I Samuel and Elkanah)
In how we pray about our relationships. Listen to God when we pray to be more loving, when we don’t know what to do about a relational problem.
When we’re at our wit’s end about a difficulty with someone.
In how He uses other people to speak his truth into our life

Illustration: When I was with MR, Janet telling me I wasn’t spending enough time with the kids

When we make the effort to listen like this, to ourselves, to others, and to God, our relationship skills will increase. This process of listening is the broad framework under which we can acquire and enhance the concrete and specific skills we need to transform our relationships into the best they can be.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

When we listen well to our self, to others, and especially to God, our relationships will be deeper and more fulfilling.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show:

Be intentional about setting aside time to reflect and listen to ourselves, others, and to what God is teaching us about our relationships. Please let me know how this is working for you by living a response in the comment box at the end of the show notes.

Coming up next week

I’ll be sharing some of the listener response we’ve getting. We’ll also finish this series by examining the last relationship skill - Level four- Unconsciously Skilled

Quote of the Week

How can we know who we are and where we are going if we don't know anything about where we have come from and what we have been through, the courage shown, the costs paid, to be where we are? ~ David McCullough

Closing

Thanks again for listening in. I hope you are finding this podcast helpful. If you write a review in iTunes, Google Play, or wherever you listen to podcasts, it will help us reach more people so they too can transform their relationships into the best they can be.

That’s all for now; have a great week, and we’ll connect again next time.

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Relationship Skills - Level One

Relationship Skills - Level Two

Listening to and learning from my friend Vern

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In episode 11 last week I mentioned that the first step in improving our relationship skill is to assess the level we are it in our relational development. Knowing our starting point helps us see what how far we have to go to become more skilled in our relationships. It can motivate us to move to higher levels of relational expertise.

Let me run through the four levels real quickly, then we’ll come back and focus the rest of our time on level 2. I hope as we go through these you will see yourself in one of these four stages.

Unconsciously unskilled (U.U.) We don’t have a clue as to how unskilled we are when it comes to relationships. This is what we talked about last week. It’s the most dangerous level of relationship skills. It’s dangerous when we don’t know what we don’t know, because we can cause a lot of harm to people out of sheer ignorance of relational principles.

There can also be a bit of innocence in being unconsciously unskilled in our relationships. Several weeks ago I took my twin grandsons our for breakfast and they started talking about how they were getting along with their 13-year old sister. They were laughing about something they did or said to her. It irritated her, and these almost 17-year-old boys thought she was just over reacting.

I then told them something I learned a long time ago was that unlike guys, most girls generally do not like to be teased. Guys tease each other all the time. It’s a way we connect with each other. Not so with girls. I wasn’t aware of this dynamic when I was their age, I was unconsciously unskilled when it came to relating to girls in this department. It took me a long time to figure this out. The boys looked like they were listening, we’ll see if it translates into new behavior. They’re good kids, I’m hopeful.

Consciously unskilled (C.U.) We’re making mistakes in our relationships with people, and we know it. Things aren’t going well, but we don’t know what to do about it.

Consciously skilled (C.S.) We see how we impact others, for good or ill. We’re aware of our skills and try to put them into practice. We try to get better at them. This is the most encouraging level. We’ll talk about this next week in Episode 13

Unconsciously skilled (U.S.) We’re good at relating well with people, and aren’t even aware of it. We’re not even trying; it’s just part of who we are. This is the most joyful level of relationship skill.

Back now to consciously unskilled. This is where we can tell we are making mistakes in our relationships, but we don’t know what they are. We notice how others have better relationship skills than we do, and wonder how they do what they do. We wish we could be like them. This is the most hopeful level in relational development.

It’s hopeful because when we become aware of our lack of relational expertise it can motivate us to grow and learn the relational skills we lack.

One example that comes to mind is accounting. When I opened my executive recruiting business I learned I had to deal with government reporting, taxes, how to record income and expenses. I didn’t have a clue what to do. I was a history major in college and knew nothing about accounting. I didn’t know anything about business. Never took any kind of business course in college. I was consciously unskilled when it came to accounting.

So I had to find an accountant, someone who could tell me what I didn’t know I needed to know. What was frustrating for me was I didn’t know what questions to ask. It wasn’t until I started making mistakes that I came to understand the questions I needed answered. My consciously unskilled relationship with accounting drove me to learn what I needed to know.

While being consciously unskilled drove me to learn the skills I needed to learn, for some of us it can be quite different. It can become a recognition that I’m quite comfortable with the status quo, thank you very much, and I’m perfectly content with not improving my skill level.

I was at a conference several years ago where a well-known, big name speaker was giving a series of plenary talks. Most of you would recognize his name if I mentioned it. He was truly a gifted and inspiring presenter. My role at this conference was to conduct an optional breakout session in between talks this keynote speaker was giving.

My little talk was on the subject of listening, and to my surprise this big-name speaker sat in on my workshop. When I finished he came up to compliment me on my little spiel, and at the end said to me, “You know, I’m not a very good listener. People tell me that, I’m not a good listener.”

What was surprising to me was how he said it. It was with an air of recognition, with a metaphorical shrug of the shoulders as if to say, that’s just the way I am, a not-a-very-good-listener. He was conscious of his lack of skill in this area, but gave no indication of wanting to improve.

Another time I was talking to a leader of a large ministry and I told him I admired his leadership in one particular area. He accepted my compliment graciously, but then said wistfully, “but I have the tendency to use people.” You could tell this was something he didn’t like about himself, something he’d like to change. There was a tone of regret in his voice.

His response was so unlike the response of the conference speaker. Both of them were consciously unskilled in a particular relational area. But one didn’t seem interested in changing, while the other one did.

I have two other stories that expose how consciously unskilled I was in two relational moments.

The missionary at my daughter's church from the Virgin Islands, heading to the Philippines the next day
The day my twin grandsons came home from the hospital.

Each of these last two stories show movement from being unconsciously unskilled (level 1) to consciously unskilled (level 2). How does this happen?

We have to put a name to our relational deficiencies so we know what to change. My leader friend put a name to his deficiency, “I tend to use people.” I put a name my shortcomings in the two stories I shared: self-centeredness.

For me, the movement from unconsciously unskilled to consciously unskilled happened in several steps.

Acknowledging that I want to be a kind caring person. It’s the type of human being I want to be. It’s my persona. It’s how I want to view myself. It’s intrinsic to my value system. It’s who I want to be.
Identifying the skill I lacked in a particular relational moment, namely other-centeredness. The skill that takes the spotlight off me in an interaction so it can shine on the other person.
Being open to the Holy Spirt holding up a mirror to me, when I wasn’t even thinking about it, to show me the disconnect between the person I wanted to be, and the person I was in those two interactions.
Resolve to do better. Learn from my mistakes. Ask God to remind me when I’m less than than the person he created me to be and that I want to be.

I wish we could all skip level 2 where we could go directly from being clueless in how we relate to people to level 3 where we’re aware of relational skills we developed and put them into practice. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

Results a listener will experience when he/she implements the solution.

By taking these four steps, our life will be so much richer in our relationships. We’ll be able to better monitor ourselves and become the person most of us want to be. We’ll be more inviting and relationally attractive to people if we do the four things I mentioned:

Remind our self of the kind of person we want to be.
Give a name to the relational skill we lack
Ask the Holy Spirit to point out the relational skills we lack, and then to empower us with the relational competence he wants us to have.
Resolve to do better. Be on the lookout for our relational weaknesses

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

To improve our relationship skills, we must first identify our relational deficiencies in light of the person we want to be.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show:

Ask the holy Spirit to gently point out your relational flaws, and ask him to empower you with the skills you need to be the person God created you to be.

Coming up next week

Next week in episode 13 we’ll take a look at the next level of relationship skill development, consciously skilled. I’ve been getting some interesting feedback from recent episodes that I want to start sharing. Would love to hear from you about THIS episode and stories of when you were consciously unskilled. and how you dealt with it.

Quote of the Week

Scars remind us of where we have been. They don’t have to dictate where we are going. ~ David Rossi

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Episode 11, Relationship Skills - Level 1

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Last week in episode 10, I talked about the two features found in every good relationship, the first being want. The desire to want the relationship to be the best it can be, as evidenced by taking action to enhance a relationship. Relationships take work and if we’re not willing to work at it, they’re not going to be sustainable. We have to want it bad enough to work for it. That’s the first feature.

The second feature of every good relationship is skill, we can want a good relationship and can work at it, but if we don’t have relational skills, those relationships aren’t sustainable either. You need both. Want and skill.

The first step in improving our relational skill is to know what level our relationship skills currently are at. Knowing the four levels of relationship skills will give us a picture of what is possible in our relational development. It can motivate us to move from a lower skill level to a higher level as we see what we could become.

Let me run through the four levels real quickly, then we’ll come back and focus the rest of our time on the first level.

Unconsciously unskilled. We don’t have a clue as to how unskilled we are when it comes to relationships. We just don’t get it. We’re blind as to how our behavior impacts others. We have no idea of what we are doing wrong in how we relate to people. We make relational blunders but we don’t know we’re making them. We have no internal editor. This is the scariest level in a relationship.

Consciously unskilled. We’re making mistakes in our relationships with people, and we know it. Things aren’t going well, but we don’t know what to do about it. We can tell people are turned off by us, but we’re not sure why. We notice how others have better relationship skills than we do, and wonder how they do what they do. We wish we could be like them. This is the most hopeful level in a relationship.

Consciously skilled. We see how we impact others, for good or ill. We’re aware of our skills and try to put them into practice. We try to get better at them. We avoid our natural tendencies that get in the way of relationships. We work at self-correcting ourselves when we see that we might be adversely affecting a relationship. We’re attuned to how others relate well and we try to emulate them. This is the most encouraging level.

Unconsciously skilled. We’re good at relating well with people, and aren’t even aware of it. We’re not even trying; it’s just part of who we are. People from time to time will complement us on one of our relational skills, say listening, for example, but we didn’t notice it ourself because it comes so naturally for us. We’re pretty self-aware of our relational weaknesses, and intuitively avoid them as much as possible. This is the most joyful level of relationship skill.

Unconsciously unskilled We don’t have a clue as to how unskilled we are when it comes to relationships. We just don’t get it. We’re blind as to how our behavior impacts others. We have no idea of what we are doing wrong in how we relate to people. We make relational blunders but we don’t know we’re making them. This is the scariest level in a relationship.

The clueless level of relationship skill. Three examples from relational interactions in the Bible.

I Samuel 1:2-8. Story of Elkanah

Elkanah was a good man, a good husband
He couldn’t identify with his wife’s problem
He wanted to fix things. Probably got tired of hearing the squabbles between his two wives. He just wanted the problem to go away
In essence he tells Hannah, don’t feel the way you feel
He tries to use logic and rational thought to counter an emotional reaction.

Mark 9: 33-37

Here the disciples had been witnessing Jesus do great and wonderful things, but they argued who among THEM was the greatest
I wonder how Judas participated in the argument? Was he the prime-mover? Did he retreat? Did the argument play any role in his later betrayal of Jesus?
The disciples failed to see they were part of a larger story outside of themselves. The story wasn’t about them, but they wanted it to be.
Jesus was so gentle with them, and uses their dysfunction as a teachable moment to take the competitive pressure off that they felt among themselves.
He moves them from talking about elevated roles in his group, to extolling the virtue of being like the lowest in society - children. What a contrast!

Matthew 20: 20-28

James and John look like first century millennials, with their helicopter mother, intervening on their behalf. Similar to modern day millennials whose parent shows up with them for their first employment interview.
James and John obviously had no clue on how their request would sit with their fellow disciples.

One theme emerges from all three of these stories. It’s that pride is at the root of all three examples of unconsciously unskilled interactions

Elkanah, thinking his wife should find him to be the answer to her greatest needs and desires in 1Samuel
The disciples arguing amongst themselves about who is the greatest in Mark 9
James and John and their mother, wanting a higher status than their peers in Matthew 20

In a later episode we’ll refer back to this incident with the apostle John. It’s part of an important illustration I’m saving for a few weeks from now.

Lessons Learned from these unconsciously unskilled relational moments:

We get in trouble when we put ourselves first in a relationship, when we elevate our needs above the needs of another person.
In spite of our relational dysfunction, Jesus is gentle with us and uses our lack of skill as a teachable moment to show us how to do relationships right. Being unconsciously unskilled is not a birth defect, we can change and learn from it and move on to a higher level…if we want to.
We need to examine ourselves, and ask, what relational skills do I lack that I am not aware of?
No matter how skilled we are relationally now, at one time we were all unconsciously unskilled when it comes to relationships. Therefore, we should show grace and understanding to those who are where we once were.

The big question then is this: How will we know if we are unconsciously unskilled in our relationships, and if we are, how can move up to the next level?

The big answer to this question is the big idea, the take-away form today’s episode and our show in a sentence:

We need others in our life whose relationship style we can observe and emulate, and one of those others needs to be Jesus.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

Who are some people I know who are very skilled relationally, that I could model myself after? What relational qualities do they have that I would like for myself, and then ask Jesus to show you how to develop those qualities.

Coming up next week
Next week in episode 12 we’ll take a look at the next level of relationship skill development, consciously unskilled. I’ll be sharing examples from my own life that illustrate this next step in relational skill development. I’ll show how we can all learn from our less-than-stellar relationship moments.

Quote of the Week

The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance - it’s the illusion of knowledge ~ Daniel Boorstin

Resources mentioned in today’s show

Episode 10, Two Features of Every Good Relationship

The Discovers: A Man’s Search to Know His World and Himself, by Daniel Boorstin

The Discoverers: A History of Man's Search to Know His World and Himself

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If you’ve listened to any of our previous episodes you’ll know by now that this podcast is all about relationships. Relationships are what we are all made for. Fulfilling, life-giving relationships. Some of our relationships are like that. But others sometimes are not. What’s the difference between good relationships that work well and those that don’t’? It comes down to two words. The first is want. The second word I’ll save for the end of the episode, so be sure to hang around until then.

First, let’s consider want. For a relationship to work well and be fulfilling we have to want it to be that way. We have to want it so badly we are willing to work through the problems that inevitably arise in most relationships.

Some of these difficulties in a relationship are caused by circumstances outside the control of the parties in a relationship. Sometimes relational problems are caused by us; other times they’re caused by the other person.

While we have no control over what another person does or doesn’t do in a relationship, the one thing we do have control over is what WE do and think. For a relationship to work well we have to be self-motivated enough to work on our part, on what we have control over, in transforming our relationships into the best they can be. The other person may or not respond as we like, but we still control what we think and do.

In the podcast I shared the story of the missions conference I led several years ago, where I demonstrated a relational problem solving exercise. A woman missionary near retirement age volunteered to share the story of a conflict she was having with a much younger missionary. They both had very strong opinions about how things should be done. But they ultimately were able to settle their differences.

When I asked what brought that about, the woman replied, “We both wanted to settle our differences because we knew our team could not accomplish its goals if our relationship was in turmoil. We both so highly valued our purpose and goals, and our mission, that we just had to work things out between the two of us. And we did.”

I love this story because it illustrates the power of want, where our desire for a healthy relationship moves us to do whatever it takes to heal any rift in the relationship. It also illustrates that it takes all parties in a relationship to want that relationship to be the best it can be.

This example also highlights the difference between valuing something, and wanting it enough to take action. The two women in the story obviously valued having a good relationship because they took action to make their relationship what they wanted for it.

Most of us say we value the idea of good relationships. But often it just stops there. We like the concept or idea of good relationships, but when it comes to taking steps to implement the idea, well, we’re not so sure. Until we back up our desire for a good relationships with action, it’s just a theory. And it’s not even a value, unless we engage in behaviors that works toward making a good relationship happen. Good relationships take work.

Another part of want often overlooked in relationship is the question, “Is there anything more to our relationships that goes beyond getting our needs met? Could there be another purpose? Is there something else we might be missing that could bring out the best in us, that’s even more fulfilling and life-giving than whatever it is we get out of a relationship?”

I would submit that the answer to this is “yes.” It is something many people miss.

That “something else that is missing” is wanting to reflect the image of God well in how we relate to others. It’s actually more fulfilling than what we get out of relationship, and it’s even more life-giving than what we give in our relationships. There is nothing that is more rewarding than wanting to reflect God's character in how we relate to people. Let me explain.

In the first chapter of the first book of the Bible, the book of Genesis, in verse 26 there’s a conversation within the Trinity, “Then God said, ‘Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness.’” Notice the plural pronouns in this verse. Let US make mankind in OUR image, in OUR likeness.

From the very beginning God is highlighting relationships. First, the relationship within the Trinity, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then in his relationship with the human race. In verse 27, we read “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created him.”

To reflect the image of God well, to accurately reflect his likeness, and to fully be what he created us to be, requires that we want to be the kind of person God created us to be. And a big part of what God created us to be is relational - because He is relational.

Since you are listening to this podcast, I’m going to assume this is what you want for yourself. That you want to be the kind of person God created you to be. But you and I both know there are lots of people in the world who have no interest whatsoever in being the person God created them to be. They want to be the person they want to be. They want to do life their way.

In the podcast I shared story of one our twin grandsons when we was about 4 years old. We’ll call him “Little Jimmy” for this example, but it’s not his real name. He and his brother had been staying overnight at our house and was misbehaving. Janet and I had a talk with him and said to Little Jimmy, “we can’t help but notice that lately you are getting into all kinds of trouble with your brother. And it seems to be making you miserable. You know, if your were to ask Jesus into your heart and ask him to help you behave, life would be a whole lot better for you.”

Our grandson's response was chilling, “I don’t want Jesus in my heart because I want to do what I want to do? ... and if he was in my heart, what would he be doing in there anyway?”

As a 4-year old he didn’t want anything to do with reflecting the image of God well in his relationships. Fortunately, within a few days, he came over to the over side and has turned into a Godly teenager.

But sadly, a lot of adults live life like my 4-year old grandson did at the time when he declared, “I want to do what I want to do.” They embody that horrible Frank Sinatra tune, I Did it My Way.

I actually heard that sung at a funeral for a distant relative I knew. It kept playing over and over again in the funeral home. How incredibly sad to have that song sung at your funeral. If they ever play I Did it My Way at my funeral, just shoot me.

Well enough of that. For our purposes here, as I mentioned before, I’m going to assume that deep down inside you want to be the person God wants you to be, especially in your relationships. But if you’re not there yet, that’s okay. You’ll still get value out of listening to this podcast. Hopefully, the more you learn how God wants us to relate to each other, the more you will see the benefits of living a life that reflects his likeness well in all your dealings with people.

So that’s the first feature found in every good relationship, the want. If the want is not there, our relationships aren’t going anywhere. They’re not sustainable without the want.

Assuming we want to relate well with people, we also need skill to do so. And that is the second feature of every good relationship mentioned in the beginning of the show. Skill. Every good relationship requires skill.

And this podcast can help. If you hang around through future weekly episodes of You Were Made for This, you’ll learn relational skills you can practice and develop. You’ll learn things you can do, and ways you can think, that will help you relate well, that will reflect the likeness of God. Nothing is more fulfilling than this.

Starting next week with episode 11, I’m going to explain the four levels of relationship skill. It will help you assess where you are currently in your relational development, and where you’d like to be.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

A good relationship starts with wanting one badly enough to take action to make it happen.

To respond to today’s episode, ask yourself, Do I just like the idea of a good relationships, or does my behavior show that I want to relate well to people as God intended?

In next week’s episode we’ll talk about four levels of relationship skills, focusing on just the first one.

Quote of the Week

We judge others by their behavior, but judge ourselves by our intentions
- author unknown

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In last week’s episode 8, I was going to comment at the end about my interview with Charley and Ruth Shirley, but our executive producer, Carol thought that would detract from what they had to say. So rather than prattle on (Carol hates prattle), she suggested I put my comments in the show notes, which I did.

At the end of the show I mentioned that today’s episode would be about the four levels of relationship skills, which I’ve been looking forward to discussing.

But in our production meeting this week on the top floor of our international headquarters here in New Berlin, Wisconsin, Carol suggested we put that off to next week, and instead for today, I should share those observations I had about the interview last week with Ruth and Charley. I so often don’t know what I’m doing, but Carol does, so I’m going to trust her judgement and go with her instincts.

The more I reflect on that interview, the more it strikes me how it’s a wonderful example of what great relationships look like. It illustrates principles that would be helpful for all of us to consider in our relationships.

You don’t necessarily have to have listened to the interview in episode 8, but it would be more powerful if you could, if you have not already done so. You can also go back and listen after this episode. But I’ll summarize parts of it as we who along today.

The interview last week started with me reading a Facebook post from my friend Charley Shirley that he wrote in September 2012 about his wife and youngest daughter. I’ll just read what he wrote; it’s not long. Charley writes the following:

"I absolutely cherish my wife, Ruth. About five weeks ago she and my youngest daughter were driving back from the East coast where they had just dropped off my oldest daughter at graduate school. As they drove west they passed through Youngstown, OH.

"The city is a special place and holds some of my most cherished memories of my life. Youngstown is where my first wife, Bev, was from and where we got married one bright sunny September day almost thirty years ago. We went on our honeymoon and a couple weeks later we were back at our home in Dallas, TX.

"Tragically, late one Saturday night just five months after the wedding, we were driving home from a Bible study. A drunken driver lost control of his truck and broadsided our car. Bev was critically injured and after lingering in a coma for six days died from her injuries. The funeral was back in her home town - Youngstown, OH and that is where she was buried.

"Several years ago I was talking to my youngest daughter about Bev and mentioned that if she was ever near Youngstown to please go by the grave and pay her respects. So Lucy and Ruth found the cemetery and located Bev's grave.

"The marker was overgrown with grass and Ruth, ever the gardener, worked diligently to make it tidy.

"So, while Ruth clipped weeds and grass, Lucy snapped this picture. I cried when I saw it. Ruth cleaning Bev's grave marker."

___________________________

So that’s the Facebook post that caught my eye, including the photo that Charley shared. Fast forward six years later to late 2018 when I interviewed Charley and Ruth. I’ll summarize the interview, which you can hear in its entirety in Episode 8.

I asked Ruth and Charley what the story behind the Facebook post was like for each of them. Charley started by talking about Lucy calling him at work while she and Ruth were near Youngstown, Ohio to get directions to find the grave, which was a bit of a challenge. Anxious to get home from their thousand mile road trip, Ruth spoke about initially not wanting to stop. But she knew it would mean a lot to Charley, and also to their youngest daughter. So she did.

Once they found the grave marker, Ruth cleaned it up with the only thing she had - her car keys. While she did, Lucy snapped a picture of Ruth cutting weeds and grass from around the grave marker. Ruth talked about how this moment deeply affected her and Lucy, how they both cried, and how Ruth described it as standing on “Holy Ground.” Ruth also talked about the profound effect this had on Lucy.

Charley talked about the shadow that Lucy cast while taking a picture of her mother cleaning the grave marker. He saw a connection in this shadow between Lucy and Bev, as they were both the second child of their respective parents. He summed it up best when he said the point of this story for him was about healing. How what his 2nd wife, and 2nd daughter, did to honor his first wife brought closure to a tragedy that happened over 30 years ago.

That was the interview in a nutshell.

I came away from our time together with several important lessons and principles about relationships that would serve all of us well if we practiced them in our relationships.

Healing often takes time. Sometime a long time. It had been over 33 years since Charley’s first wife, Bev, had died. And this graveyard story of a few years ago contributed to Charley’s healing. We need to be patient with others and ourselves with the time it takes to heal. For Charley, and for some of us, the healing comes from clarifying what our future holds.
It pays to listen well to people, especially the people closest to us. On the way home from Connecticut to Wisconsin, Lucy REMEMBERED what her dad had said, “If you ever are near Youngstown, Ohio…..” Lucy had a holy curiosity about her dad’s past. She asked about Bev. She wanted to know, because she realized that this particular relationship is an important part of his life. And her relationship with her dad is an important part of hers.
To care well usually takes sacrifice. I felt for Ruth in this story. After moving your daughter into a 3rd floor apartment on a hot summer day, and then start off on a thousand mile road trip back home, and then to take a time-consuming detour to look for the grave of someone you never met, well that’s sacrifice.
Sometimes the best care we can provide is when we have limited resources and don’t know what to do. Ruth and Lucy had difficulty finding the cemetery, and then the grave. But the difficulty didn’t stop them. All they had were car keys. Ah, the car keys.
It’s okay when our first inclination is to not inconvenience ourselves for the sake of another. That’s normal. Ruth was very transparent in saying she felt guilty about her initial reaction. What is beautiful is when we move past our first thoughts because we know we can honor and bless someone if we don’t give in to our basic human preference for convenience. Hats off to Ruth!
God at times uses symbols within events to let us know he loves us, cares for us, and that he is there for us. The picture of Lucy’s shadow over Ruth cleaning Bev’s grave marker. Ruth cleaning up what others have ignored. For Charley, it “closed the loop,” as he put it.

Lucy’s shadow in the picture represented the future he wondered about over 30 years ago. Because he was able to move well through his grief after that tragic event happened, he was able to re-marry. He was able to have children, one of whom cast a shadow over both the current and former wife. Lucy’s shadow connected the three of them to bring closure to the tragedy that happened so long ago

We really are all connected to each other, if for no other reason than we all come from the same source, God himself. Some day in eternity we will see all these connections, some of which we don’t quite understand in this life. For those of us with a relationship with Jesus, we will see Bev one day, and I bet she will thank Charley for sharing the story of their 21 months together. She will thank Ruth and Lucy for honoring her the day they cleaned off her grave marker. And all of us will give thanks to the Lord for the relationships he gave us, which if we look carefully enough, we’ll see, all point directly back to him.
There are things God is doing in our lives that at times we just cannot explain. Why did Charley survive the car accident and Bev didn’t. The feeling of “Holy Ground” that Ruth talked about over Bev’s grave. Lucy feeling a connection with Bev, her father’s first wife. Unrelated to her by blood, but somehow related by spirit in ways we cannot explain.

Shadows really do connect us.

Before I close, here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

We can be agents of healing when we listen well, when we inconvenience ourselves, and when we use the limited resources available to us.

To respond to today’s episode, how might God be preparing you to be an agent of healing in one of your relationships? Where do you need to sacrifice your needs in order to help someone find closure to a difficult part of their life?

Coming up next week

In next week’s episode we’ll talk about four levels of relationship skills. Relationships require skill, and the good news is that anyone with the right heart can learn those skills if they want to. We’ll show you how.

Quote of the Week

Life only really begins when it ends here on earth, that all that is here, is only the prologue before the curtain goes up.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Resource mentioned on today’s show

Episode 008_How a Wife and Her Daughter Brought Healing

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Hello and welcome to all our listeners to episode 8. Today’s show is a day of firsts. It’s the first episode of 2019 - Happy New Year, by the way - and it’s also the first interview we’re doing in the podcast.I want to get the new year off to a good start, so I’m sharing this particular interview because it’s something I think you’ll find uplifting

You know, most of us have at least 1 or 2 relationships we would characterize as good. As healthy. There’s nothing wrong at all with them. And while we’re doing just fine in these relationships, we don’t want to miss an opportunity to make them even better. To take them to a new level. In this episode you’ll hear a story about how several people did just that. I think you’ll find their example inspiring.

I’m not going to say much more now, reserving my comments until the end of the interview. I’ll just say you’ll be hearing from Charley and Ruth Shirley about a particular relational event that was quite meaningful to everyone involved in their story. As you listen, notice the different relationships that are part of the story, and the dynamics going on between them. So here we go.

[Audio interview]

This interview is a great story of several really good relationships that became even better. That grew more deeply. I think Charley summed it best when he said the point of this story, this incident was about healing. How his wife and daughter went out of their way literally and figuratively to do something they knew would be meaningful to their husband and father. I take a couple of lessons away from this story, that I hope you would too.

Healing often takes time. A long time. It had been over 30 years since Charley’s first wife, Bev, had died. And this graveyard story of a few years ago contributed to Charley’s healing. We need to be patient with others and ourselves with the time it takes to heal. For Charley, and for some of us, the healing comes from clarifying what our future holds.
It pays to listen well to people, especially the people closest to us. On the way home from Connecticut to Wisconsin, Lucy REMEMBERED what her dad had said, “If you ever are near Youngstown, Ohio…..” Lucy had a holy curiosity about her dad’s past. She asked about Bev. She wanted to know, because she realized that particular relationship is an important part of his life. And her relationship with her dad is an important part to hers.
To care well usually takes sacrifice. After moving your daughter into a 3rd floor apartment on a hot summer day, and then start off on a thousand mile road trip back home, and then take a time-consuming detour to look for the grave of someone you never met, well that’s sacrifice.
Sometimes the best care we can provide is when we have limited resources and don’t know what to do. Ruth and Lucy had difficulty finding the cemetery, and then the grave. But the difficulty didn’t stop them. All they had were car keys. Ah, the car keys.
It’s okay when our first inclination is to not inconvenience ourselves for the sake of another. That’s normal. What is beautiful is when we move past our first thoughts because we know we can honor and bless someone if we don’t give in to our basic human preference for convenience.
God uses symbols within events to let us know he loves us, cares for us, and that he is there for us. The picture of Lucy’s shadow over Ruth cleaning Bev’s grave marker. Ruth cleaning up what others have ignored. For Charley, it “closed the loop,” as he put it. Lucy’s shadow in the picture represented the future he wondered about over 30 years ago. Because he was able to move well through his grief, he was able to re-marry. He was able to have children, one of whom cast a shadow over both the current and former wife. Lucy’s shadow connected the three of them to bring closure to the tragedy that happened so long ago
We really are all connected to each other, if for no other reason than we all come from the same source, God himself. Some day in eternity we will see all these connections, some of which we don’t quite understand in this life. For those of us with a relationship with Jesus, we will see Bev one day, and I bet she will thank Charley for sharing the story of their 21 months together. She will thank Ruth and Lucy for honoring her the day they cleaned off her grave marker. And all of us will give thanks to the Lord for the relationships he gave us, which if we look carefully enough, we’ll see, all point directly back to him.
There are things God is doing in our lives that at times we just cannot explain. Why did Charley survive the car accident and Bev didn’t. The feeling of “Holy Ground” that Ruth talked about over Bev’s grave. Lucy feeling a connection with Bev, her father’s first wife. Unrelated to her by blood, but somehow related by spirit in ways we cannot explain.

Here’s the he main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

God is at work in beautiful, and sometimes mysterious ways, to bring healing, closure, and comfort to people in a manner that reflects his image and character as someone who loves us more than we can ever imagine.

To respond to today’s episode, ask yourself these two questions:

Where have you seen God care for you in unusual or mysterious ways? What are the opportunities God is placing in front of you to honor someone, to care for another in ways that reflect the image and character of God?

In next week’s episode we’ll talk about four levels of relationship skill development. Relationships require skill, and the good news is that anyone with the right heart can learn those skills if they want to. We’ll show you how.

Quote of the Week

Often we are attached to people in ways we don’t understand.
- Ruth Shirley, and her daughter Lucy

A resource mentioned on today’s show

Near the end of the show I mentioned I use the story in today’s episode in workshops I put on for churches and mission organizations. The workshop is training in how we can all care better for each other, and is done through our missionary care ministry, Caring for Others. If you’d like more information about this, please click here and I will get in touch with you.

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Welcome to episode 7, the year in review and the year ahead. I like to think of it as the best of 2018. But since we only started on November 28th, it’s also the ALL of 2018.

By way of a brief review, and for any first-time listeners, this podcasts is all about relationships. Experience and observation have taught me that relationships are one of the most rewarding aspects of life, and at the same time, one of the most frustrating.

The goal of this podcast is to help people experience more of the rewards of relationships, and less of the frustrations. Like many others, I firmly believe we are all made for relationships. We’re not meant to live life alone. That’s how the name of the podcast came to be, Your Were Made for This. The “this” we were made for is fulfilling, life-giving relationships.

It’s just the opposite of a what a recent Wall Street Journal article describes about baby boomers being the most isolated generation of all. I’ll have a link to the article at the end of the show notes. It’s entitled, “The Loneliest Generation: Americans, More Than Ever, Are Aging Alone.” When you read the stories of people, and how they’re living alone, well it’s really quite sad.

The purpose of this podcast is to somehow, in some small measure, stem the tide of loneliness by contributing something to help people transform their relationships into the best they can be. The podcast is to be something that actually helps people, rather just another outlet for creative expression. This podcast is to be about YOU, not me. Whether we’ve succeeded at this in the first 4 weeks of the show is up to you the listener to decide. But that’s my goal.

Another goal of the podcast is that it become a means of community for people who would like to to be encouraged by stories of others who are making progress in transforming their relationships into the best they can be. I’m not exactly sure how that’s going to work. Maybe it will be a Facebook group later, I don’t know. We’ll see.

Toward this goal, and for this last podcast of 2018, I want to share today selected responses I’ve received from listeners regarding the podcasts aired so far. I’ve received a fair number of emails and comments from people saying they like what they’re hearing so far. I’ve also received some feedback from folks with suggestions for ways to improve the podcast, which I’ve appreciated.

In today’s program I want to share responses of people who actually changed as a result of what they heard in one or more of the six episodes aired this year. Changed either their behavior, or the way they think. I plan to do something like this every now and then to foster a sense of community. As well as to encourage you in transforming YOUR relationships into the best they can be. So I would appreciate hearing from YOU with stories YOU have of applying what you’ve learned on this podcast. You can either leave comments in the box below in the show notes, send an email to john@caringforothers.org, or direct message me in Facebook.

Okay, on to the listener responses. In the very first episode, I mentioned that I plan to share relationship principles and skills through stories, both my own, and from guests I interview. The older I get, the more I appreciate what a powerful learning tool stories can be.

One story I shared at the end of episode one was the story of when I was 15 and a neighbor boy, we affectionately called Bozo, was killed. I mentioned the scene of watching my dad walking down the middle of our street, with his arms over the shoulder of the father of whose son had just died hours before. The picture of that scene is still vivid in my memory, and it was something that helped me see my relationship with my father in a new light, and to forgive him for how he treated me.

After hearing this story in episode one, one listener wrote to tell me,

“My husband and I listened to your 1st podcast. We were really gripped by the story of your dad and the death of Bozo. We talked about it and this morning called a friend who just this week lost his wife. Thanks, John. You are making a difference.”

I can’t tell you how much that encouraged me, to know someone took action, and actually did something to care for a hurting friend. It reminded me of a phrase I use often, and which you’ll hear on this podcast from time to time. And that is, when we try to bring out the best in others, we bring out the best in ourselves.

These 2 listeners trying to bring out the best that was in their grieving friend. I don’t know what they said to him, but I know this couple and they have a heart to help people. For the grieving husband to know someone cares enough to make a phone call to him has got to help deal with his sorrow.

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In responding to Episode 2, “The Gift of a Background Relationship,” a listener from Pennsylvania wrote:

“I loved the story about the relationship you have with your mother-in-law…in your podcast you ask each to think about someone in their lives like this [ This was in reference to the end of the movie about Mr. Rogers, Won’t You Be my Neighbor. The film showed co-workers of Mr. Rogers tearing up as they re-called people from their past who believed in them; who nurtured them.]

"It came to mind yesterday morning shortly after I got a doe on the last day of the PA deer season. I reflected on my father, a man of few words, but his actions spoke deep love. Until yesterday, I had not shed one tear over my father’s passing 9 years ago. But, up on the mountain, as I looked over the valley…, I thought of dad and how much I miss him. He would have loved the moment of hearing that I got a deer and he would have loved butchering it. It was how we connected. It was an emotional moment, a precious moment. I never felt I needed to shed a tear over dad’s death because all was good when God took him home. So those very few tears yesterday morning were ones of thankfulness and appreciation for God’s gift of my father to me.”

Man, that encouraged my heart to know the story of my relationship with my mother-in-law triggered something within this listener to reflect with appreciation on his relationship with his father. And to shed a few tears of gratitude for him.

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Another response to episode 2 comes for a missionary serving in the Mideast. This person writes:

“I must say just as you were encouraged by seeing the kindness in Janet's singing with her mother, so I have always been positively affected by any time I have had with you. Listening to your family's Life Achievement Award list, or your caring for a trying dog, or your lovely memories of your mother-in-law had me laughing uncontrollably one moment and then soberly contemplating the truth that was being shared. How grateful I am for you, for your willingness to open your life so we, the listeners, can be trained in loving each other more fully. Thank you for including me in the privileged group that gets to listen!”

I think the more we open up our lives to each other, the greater the chance for a deeper relationship we can have with each other. We can learn to love well when we have the heart and take the time to watch how others love. We’re all teachers, for good or ill, because people are watching. More than we realize.

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Episode 3, “The Gift for the Person who has Everything,” drew this response from a listener:

“I liked episode 3. I’m going to incorporate a ‘lifetime achievement award’ for my husband’s 60th birthday. I also subscribed to your podcast.”

This is great to hear. Something very practical this woman can do to honor her husband. It’s action she can take. Taking action, the right action, can be very helpful in transforming a good relationship already into the best relationship it can be. I plan to share more of these relationship tips, or hacks, as they’re now called, moving into 2019. There are specific relationship skills we’ll be examining and practicing in the months ahead.
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Episode 4, “The Gift of Even Though,” evoked this response from a listener:

“Your podcast about joy and how sharing in others’ joy, multiples joy - it’s not a zero sum game. This really resonated with me! My husband and I have been able to have kids easily and when we are around friends who struggle with infertility, I feel guilty sharing the joys of my children. It was so beautiful to hear how your friends [Vern and Lorraine] had many “children” without having their own.”

I take this to mean, there was a change in thinking in how she viewed sharing the joy of her children with childless friends. By not sharing your joy, you may be depriving them of their joy. That joy, like love, is an unlimited natural resources that never depletes. In fact, the more you share in the joys of others, the more joy multiplies itself. It seems this perspective helps in easing any guilt feelings. After all, what is the listener guilty of? Being blessed with children.

I can understand there are times when we share our joy it is met with a “must be nice” response. That is painful, for sure. There’s that verse in the Bible about “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” That’s a command to be joyful over the joy of others, not a suggestion. For many of us that’s harder to do than to mourn with people, than to feel their pain.

___________________________________

Another listener, this one a missionary serving in Eastern Europe, wrote:

"I'm so glad you’d decided to do a podcast! I’ve listened to all of them so far and look forward to listening further. Glad I could be your connection in this part of the world!

"Over the past few years, I’ve found myself being placed in more ministry leadership-type positions. As my responsibilities have increased, and (potential) impact expanded, I’ve noticed that my limitations in relationships have restricted some of my potential influence. Plus, of course, I totally agree we are made for community, so this affects my own well being too. But, praise God I am a work in progress, can by his grace grow, and can learn from others, like yourself!”

What a great attitude, and such self-awareness! One relationship that gets less attention than it deserves is our relationship with our self. Self-awareness is such an important leadership trait. Without it, we suffer the consequences of exceeding our limitations, alienating people at times, and hindering the achievement of our organization’s goals. We’ll be talking about self-awareness in future episodes of You Were Made for This.

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Finally, another listener wrote,

“Hi John, I just wanted to let you know how much the last two podcasts specific to joy meant to me. It made so much sense to me and gave Jesus/Others/You so much more meaning and depth.
I think with the last two especially you are finding your zone.”

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All of this leads us to the main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence

Listening well to the relationships stories of others can teach us much to help transform our relationships into the best they can be

Response (Call to Action) to today’s show
You can encourage others by sharing stories here on this podcast of what you’re doing to help transform your relationships into the best they can be. It can be an action, or even a different way of thinking about your relationship.

You can either leave comments in the box below in the show notes, send an email to john@caringforothers.org, or direct message me in Facebook. Your identity will be kept confidential.

Coming up next week…and next year

Next week’s episode the first of 2019, will feature our very first interview. The first of many to come in the new year. It’s a wonderful story of what a wife and her daughter did to care well for their husband/father. It’s a memorable and tender relationship story that I’m sure will find encouraging.

Quote of the Week

“We tell stories in order to better understand each other.”
- from Lark Rise to Candleford

Resources Mentioned on today’s show

iTunes: Previous episodes of You Were Made for This

Google Play: Previous episodes of You Were Made for This

December 12, 2018. Wall Street Journal article,
"The Loneliest Generation: Americans, More Than Ever, Are Aging Alone."

From the Bible, Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

Lark Rise to Candleford the BBC series that ran for four seasons, 2008-11. Free with Amazon Prime.

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others pages 204-5.

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Today in "The Gift of Joy - Part 2" I need to admit that all the joy we hear around Christmas time often doesn’t register with me. For me, the more melancholy Christmas carols drown out the mood of the joyful ones. The ambience around “I’ll be home for Christmas” and “White Christmas” more typically characterize my emotions than “Joy to the World.”

My heart tend to drift the melancholy side of life anyway, and Christmas tends to push me even more in that direction. Most of it has to do with reminders of the painful dysfunction of my childhood. And then this particular Christmas several of my friends are going through a really tough time in their life. It’s hard to see the joy.

My hunch is that some of you are like me, or you have friends or family like me. How can people like us find a measure of joy during what others describe as the most joyous time of the year? I found an answer that works for me, and there’s a good chance it will work for you too.

In the previous episode I mention that we find joy, not by looking for it, but instead by waiting for Joy to come to us. I find that thought comforting, one less thing to work at.

Another way of looking at coming to us, is to think of Joy as more like a cat than a dog.

With dogs, there’s the expectation they will meet a need we have. Most dogs enjoy people, they want to engage with us, and they want us to affirm them. They want to be part of our world. Dogs are easy, and mostly needy. Not so with cats. They don’t need us. They’re self-assured and not co-dependent on us They’re not impressed with our words. You never say to a cat, “Good Kitty, good kitty” when they do something that meets your approval. They would laugh at you if you did. They’re already snickering on the inside as it is at us humans.

But where the joy comes with a cat is when they do the unexpected. Cats will surprise you. Dogs never do; they don’t know how. They are way too predictable. There’s little joy in the predictable.

But a cat knows how to surprise. Like when you visit at a friend at their house and their cat goes into hiding when you ring the door bell. But then, an hour into your visit, and when you least expect it, their cat appears out of nowhere and ever so quietly, jumps up on your lap as if you’ve been best buds for 20 years as it sits there and purrs. So unexpected, so surprising. That’s what joy is. It finds you, you don’t find it. The harder you look for joy, the less likely you’ll find it. Less is more, when it comes to finding joy.

Joy is found in surprises, and how can you go looking for a surprise? You can’t. To get more joy in our life we need to be prepared for joy to find us. We need to be ready for surprises.

How do you do that? How do we prepare for joy to find us, like a friend’s cat who comes out of hiding to jump on our lap?

We need to create a welcoming place in our heart for joy to find us.

I have an example of how joy found me recently.

Flash mob November 2010

Several years ago I stumbled upon a YouTube video by accident. It’s of a flash mob at the food court of the the Seaway Mall in Welland, Ontario, Canada. I have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes, so you can watch it for yourself now, and then come back here. Or you can watch it later.

Christmas Food Court Flash Mob - November 2010

87 people from a church choir in Ontario scattered themselves throughout the food court of the mall on Saturday, November 13, 2010. Out of nowhere, and on cue at precisely 12 noon, one person from the choir interrupts the eating and quiet conversation by standing up and begins to sing the "Hallelujah Chorus" from Handel’s Messiah. Shortly thereafter, others from the choir, all dressed as holiday shoppers, gradually join in. And for the next 4 and ½ minutes the food court patrons are treated to one of the most beautiful choral pieces ever written.

The video really moved me, as it has done so for others, too. The local newspaper reported the same in people who viewed the video. Here are a few quotes from the article:

“I’m not a religious person, but I found this video to be beautiful and it brought tears to my eyes, well done!”

“How could listening to this beautiful music not make someone smile? It was heart warming to see all the food court people mesmerized by such a spectacular performance.”

“You can clearly see people crying… This is the most intense video I have ever seen on You-tube”

“I was deeply touched by this great performance.”

“Just watching the video nearly moves me to tears.”

“Every time I watch this I get the holy goose bumps and tears in my eyes. So powerful! THANK YOU!! and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!! Hallelujah!!!!!”

“I haven’t been to Mass in years, and I’m bawling my eyes out right now.”

“I watch this recording over and over again, because of its overwhelming impact. The happiness on the faces of those people performing, but also to those listening!”

“I am an atheist, yet I find myself coming back to this video over and over again. I love beautiful music and even more I love seeing people enjoy it. I think this is wonderful!!”

All of this is joy. But after the 4 plus minutes or so of the singing, people applaud, then go right back to eating their Arby’s roast beef sandwich like nothing ever happened.

That’s how it is with joy. It usually doesn’t last long, It’s like the manna in the old testament that fed the nation of Israel in their 40 years of wandering in the desert. It came once each day, didn’t last long at all, but more came the next day.

And so it is with joy as well. It may not last long, but if we sit back and relax and create space for joy to find us, it will come back.

I’ve watched this video many times, and I’ve been trying to figure out why. Why does it bring me so much joy? Why am I drawn to it as I am? I’ve been trying to figure this out for some time, and the conclusion I’ve come to is the appeal of it comes down to one word: beauty.

There is so much beauty in several relationships here. The obvious beauty of the heaven-like voices and harmonies that so connected with people, that it brought some to tears. Both the food court lunch crowd, and the YouTube viewers the newspaper interviewed.

There’s the beauty of the lyrics, and being part of the history of generation after generation since 1742 that have enjoyed them. It’s a relationship that transcends time and space.

Then there’s the beauty of the singers who sang with such gusto and joy on their faces, second only to the joy in their voices. The beauty of this church choir all working and relating together to create something much grander than they ever could individually. The sacrifice they made on a Saturday to come entertain and bless strangers in a shopping mall in itself is a thing of beauty.

I found beauty in all the contrasts in this scene. Starting with the pianist playing “Jingle Bells” on his portable keyboard in the very beginning, then turning on the organ mode for the “Hallelujah Chorus.” The contrast of this glorious music for the heavens meant to be sung in a majestic cathedral, performed instead in front of an Arby’s and a Subway in a shopping mall food court.

For me, the second most beautiful thing of all is the reaction of those dining in the food court. So many smiles. People taking out their cell phones and recording the experience. Little children standing on chairs to take it all in. Joy was obviously finding them. They didn’t have to go looking for it at all. It came to them. The event united strangers together in joy and beauty for a few minutes on a Saturday afternoon in November.

One face in the crowd stands out for me. Notice at the 3:23 mark a 30-something slightly bearded man. His smile and his eyes are saying, “Ahh. This is so beautiful; it’s just what I need at this moment. Ahh.”

Finally, the most beautiful relationship to me is the connection between the truth of the lyrics, and the voices that proclaimed them. You can tell from their faces the choir actually believed what they were singing. You can tell their voices were connecting with their hearts.

The words are quite simple:

The kingdom of this world is become the kingdom of our Lord, and his Christ

And He shall reign forever and ever

King of kings forever Hallelujah

Lord of hosts

Lord of lords Hallelujah

Put all of these elements together and it creates a feeling. Beauty is a feeling, and I think that is why I’m so drawn in to the moment recorded for us in this video. It’s the relationship between what we see, and what we hear, and what we think that produces this feeling of beauty.

Handel is masterful in using just a few words from the last book in the Bible. He weaves these lyrics together with his beautiful melodies, bringing hope that there is a future for all of us. That the difficulties of this life will vanish one day, and that because of the king of kings and lord of lords, I will begin living as God originally intended for all mankind. Forever and ever.

The joy of that truth found me, by God using a flash mob at a food court in a shopping mall in Canada, of all places. If joy can find me through beauty like this, it can find you too.

Which leads us to the main take-away from today’s episode, our show in a sentence:

Joy will find us in surprising ways when we open our hearts to the beauty found in relationships with people working together, in our relationship to history, and in our relationship with truth that touches our hearts.

How are we to respond to today’s show?

May each of us spread joy to the world through the beauty of how we relate to each other, to what’s happening around us, and to the transcendent truth that is ours for the taking. And in doing so, may joy find us in ever increasing measure.

In next week’s episode, the day after Christmas, we’ll wrap up the year with the last episode of 2018, and talk a bit about what’s coming up in 2019 to help transform our relationships into the best they can be.

Quote of the Week

“A man should hear a little music, read a little poetry, and see a fine picture every day of his life, in order that worldly cares may not obliterate the sense of the beautiful which God has implanted in the human soul.”

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Resources Mentioned on today’s show

You Were Made for This, episode 5, The Gift of Joy - Part 1

Christmas Food Court Flash Mob - November 2010

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I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it seems too me there’s an awful lot of talk about joy this time of year. December. The Christmas season. The Christmas carols. It’s even gotten into marketing, the joy of this, the joy of that. It seems we all want joy. But for all the talk, where do we see joy and how do we get it? More joy in our life. More joy in our relationships.

In this episode, and the next, I want to talk about joy as a gift we can give ourselves. We can give this gift to ourselves, not by manufacturing it, but instead by stepping outside of ourselves and entering into the joy other people are experiencing.

People in the midst of joy are almost always willing to share it, because there is plenty of it to go around. It’s not a zero-sum game, where if I share some of my joy with you, it decreases the amount left over for me. It’s just the opposite, in fact. The more you share in my joy, the more my joy multiples.

I’ve heard people say, “I need more joy in my life,” followed by speculating what they can do to experience it. Joy is not something to go looking for. Joy is something you wait to come to you. Because the harder we work at finding joy, the less likely we will experience it.

To make it easier for joy to find us, we need to have an open and receptive heart to the joy happening around us - joy that doesn’t involve us. But that’s difficult for some of us when we see others experiencing the joy we lack.

A number of years ago a missionary couple came to see Janet and me for debriefing of the last term of service in a Latin American country. One of the issues that came up was the disease of envy that had infected their team. It seems that one year in December, the parents of our missionary friends unexpectedly, and generously, bought plane tickets so this couple and their kids could fly back home to the States to spend Christmas with family.

Their teammates responded, in one form or another, with “It must be nice.”

Rather than sharing in the joy of this unexpected blessing, people chose to turn inward and focus on the absence of this blessing in their life.

A more virtuous response would be “Yeah, I wish someone would buy plane tickets for me. But no one is, so the next best thing I can do is share in the joy of my friends . I’m not a victim here. I can actually be happy for them. I can fill in for them, and take over some of their responsibilities while they’re gone so they can enjoy their time away, and not think about what is happening back here. I can experience vicariously the joy of their anticipation of this wonderful gift they have received. And in doing so, I give myself a gift of joy in sharing in their joy. Because some day, my turn may come, and while I’m waiting, I’ll be an active participant in their joy now .”

This is what I talked about in episode 4, “The Gift of Even Though,” about my friend Vern. He could not have children of his own, but it didn’t stop him from experiencing the joy of my child. Rather than turning inward with envy, he shared in my joy.

Whenever we turn inward, joy will not find us. Envy and joy are like oil and water; they just don’t mix.

For joy to find us it helps to be keen observers of the human condition. To be on the lookout for what is happening in our relationships all around us. Even our relationships with complete strangers. For when we notice what is happening to other people, we’ll see both sorrow and happiness. We’ll see boredom and energy. We’ll see remarkable kindness and unspeakable horror. And every now and then, sometimes when we least expect it, joy will find us and call us over to take a look at something good that’s happening. It’s a great gift we can give ourselves.

I have a story to share about how joy found me recently

While quickly scanning through Facebook the night of November 26, 2018, something popped up on my screen that I wasn’t looking for. It was the video clip of the landing that afternoon of the Spacecraft Insight on Mars that had just completed the journey it started on May 5th, 6 and ½ months ago.

The video showed the control room of the Jet propulsion Lab in Pasadena, CA. with what seemed like a hundred scientists dressed in matching company-issue burgundy shirts. Tension was written all over their faces. The success or failure of this $814 million project years in the making would be known in just a few minutes.

As the spacecraft descended into the atmosphere of Mars at 12,300 mph. All wondered, would it survive the intense heat? Would it perform autonomously the dozens of operations it needed to successfully complete in order to land? Could it slow down in the 6 and ½ minutes descent from 12,300 mph to land on the surface of Mars at just 5mph?

There’s complete silence in the control room, except for the woman scientist in charge of announcing the descent through the 80 miles of Mars’ atmosphere.

“2,000 meters. 600 meters. 400 meters. 200 meters. 80 meters. 60 meters. 30 meters.17 meters. Standing by for touchdown.”

Then silence. Complete silence. For a longer-than-I-can-stand-it period of quiet.

Then it happened. At exactly 2:52.59pm EST, the joyous words “Touchdown confirmed.”

The control room exploded with JOY.

The cheers go up. High fives are exchanged. Hugs are given all away around. Tears of joy drip down their faces, and mine too. It’s pure joy.

As I watched this YouTube video that popped upon my screen, I couldn’t help but think that God was enjoying this moment of Joy too. Much like a dad watching his toddler in her early days of walking. Letting go of the chair in the living room to take the risky journey across the floor without a support to lean on.

I imagine God thinking to himself, “Just look what they did, that human race of mine. I gave them numbers, centuries ago. And they took those numbers, and put them together in remarkable ways, to create something out of nothing. And that something showed them how to get to something I created out of nothing. My planet. Mars. I am so proud of them for using what I gave them to explore even more what I’ve created. What joy!”

One of my favorite authors is Anne Lamont, and she describes things like this as “God showing off.” Showing off in the best sense of the word. He’s God showing off the magnificence of Mars, at the same time he’s showing off the ingenuity of man to take numbers and use them to send a spacecraft traveling 6 months into space, knowing exactly where it was going, exactly where it would land, and exactly at what time it would land.

That was a Monday afternoon like no other. Yet by the Tuesday evening news, the event was forgotten by the rest of the world. It just vanished. That’s how it is with joy. It quickly leaves us, like a hummingbird after feeding off the nectar of a flowering plant in our backyard. But then, when we least expect it, another moment of joy appears, and we savor it, and hold onto to it as best we can, making a deposit in our memory bank.

What brought me joy that Monday evening was watching the scientists in the control room and how they all jumped up and erupted in euphoria when those words came over their sound system, “Touchdown confirmed.”

My joy came from watching them and thinking about them and what they must be going through. I wasn’t looking for joy. It just popped up on a Facebook feed. It called me over and said, “Hey, take a look at this. You’re going to love it.” And I did.

Which leads us to the main take-away from today’s episode, our show summary in a sentence

We can transform our relationships when we join in the joy others are experiencing, even when their joy has nothing to do with us. It’s a great gift we can give ourselves.

We can respond to today's episode by trying less to manufacture our own joy, but instead look around for the joy others are already experiencing. And then step out of our world for a time, in order to enter their world so we can share their joy

Coming up next week

In next week’s episode, we will look at part 2 of " The Gift of Joy." It’s an episode a few days before Christmas that brings together, both atheists and people of faith, on something they can agree on.

Quote of the Week

Real joy never originates from within; it must come from without. Searching for joy within you is like searching for the ocean within a droplet of water.
~ Mel Lawrenz, Christmas Joy, page 18

Resources Mentioned on today’s show

Sorge, Bob. Envy - The Enemy Within. Grand Rapids, MI. Chosen Books, 2003.

YouTube video, Landing of the Space Craft InSight November 26, 2018

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Many of us have holes in our heart. I’m not thinking of the physical kind, I’m thinking about the emotional kind. The emotional holes in our heart.

I’ve noticed that some people never get over what’s missing in their life, while other people compensate for what they don’t have , and redeem this lack in their lives by filling that hole with something else that is good, and noble, and pure.

In today’s episode I’ll share with you a recent telephone conversation Janet and I had with a long-time friend who has a hole in her heart, and how she and her husband found opportunity in redeeming what was missing in their life.

Each year around Thanksgiving we would get a Thanksgiving card from our dear and long-time friends, Vern and Lorraine. The cards stopped coming a year or so ago, due to health issues for both of them. So every so often we will call them, like we did two days before Thanksgiving. They’re living in the Twin Cities now, which is where both of them are from.

They both were about the age of our parents, when we first met. That alone is surprising that this older couple wanted to be friends with us, and even more surprising is the fact they come from a Salvation Army background. The uniforms and the whole bit. I have this image of Salvation Army members as being oh so conservative, and the women being oh so dowdy. Vern and Lorraine are so not that. Very classy in how they dressed, and even classier in how they live their lives.

They are both 93 as of this recording. They had been on my mind recently because whenever someone gets to that age, I do wonder. Are they still with us? Have they died. My greatest fear with Vern and Lorraine is not that they’ll die, but that they’ll die and I won’t know about it. Many years ago Vern told me what he wanted his funeral to be like, and I just want to show up to see if his dream comes true.

So when we called right before Thanksgiving, my greatest hope was that one of them would answer the phone. To my relief, Lorraine answered.

“Just a minute,” she said. “I have to turn the TV down. It’s too loud.”

We started talking and I told her Janet and I wanted to see how they were doing, and also to thank them for what they have meant to us for these past 50 years we have been friends. Thanksgiving, it seems is an appropriate time of the year to do that.

So we started telling her how much we appreciated what she and Vern did for us, starting when we were freshman in college. Before we could get very far she responded with

“Even though we couldn’t have children ourselves, we were able to invest in other people and THEIR children. We have had such a good life.”

I then share examples of how they invested in Janet and and me, and what the modeled for us. You can hear these stories on the podcast.

Here are 5 values they modeled for us:

Be generous with your resources, namely your time and money
Make God the center of your life
Age gracefully with wisdom
Encourage people
Share in the joy of what others have that you lack

What I took away from our Thanksgiving phone call to Vern and Lorraine, is that even though some important things maybe missing in our lives, we can experience joy in giving to people what we don’t have.

Even though we’re not able to have children of our own, we can be parents to other people’s kids. Even though people may not affirm us, we can affirm them. Even though people may not initiate with us, we can initiate with them. Even though people may not love us the way we want, we can love them.

Show summary in a sentence, the “The Big Idea” of today’s program:

Even though an important piece in our life may be missing, we can find joy in giving to people what is missing in their lives.

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

What is missing in your life? What is lacking? And then consider how you can take that deficiency and turn it into an opportunity to bless others.

Quote of the Week

You haven’t had a perfect day until you’ve done something for someone who can never pay you back. - John Wooden

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Carol, my producer, said her Thanksgiving was great, and that she enjoys it more than Christmas because there’s no gift buying. She said the hardest part of gift buying is getting something for the person who has everything.

Well today we’re going to talk about that, and hopefully solve that problem for Carol and our listeners. Today’s episode is about giving a gift that you can’t buy online, or in any store. And it starts with a story about a gift given to me years ago.

Bullet point outline of today’s show.

My wife Janet watching TV one evening, while I was working in my office
I walked into our TV room. Another one of those never-ending Hollywood Award shows about someone getting a lifetime achievement award.
I then said, while walking out of the room, “I think everyone should get a lifetime achievement award at some time in their life.”
While I soon forgot what I said, Janet did not. She was listening to me. Little did I know her listening skills started her creative juices flowing to take my throw away comment “I think everyone should get a lifetime achievement award,” and turn it into something.
I discovered several months later what a good listener she was, when for my birthday, she and my son and daughter, and their spouses, presented me with a Lifetime Achievement award.
It looks like this:

16 x 13 inch horizontal frame - matted with a 7and ½ x10” sheet of paper

The top of which reads “On this day in history (my birthday) in 1999 John Michael Certalic is hereby awarded the Lifetime Achievement Award for attaining the following accomplishments:”

List of 30 “accomplishments” all inside family stuff, some serious, mostly funny. There’s a family story behind each one. Here are a few of them:

Most Courageous Piano Student, 1982
Best Franklin Little League Dad, 1980’s
Best source of late-night after travel pizza - 1988-94
Parent of the Year - Grace College - 1991
Best speech given by father at daughter’s wedding - 1993
Best father-in-law, 1993-1997
Most organized home office - honorable mention - 1998
Home of the best travel destination for birds - 1990’s
Most sensitive to the thirst level of UPS man - 1998-99
Blizzard-Driving Safety certification - 1999
Faithful supplier of dumping flowers - 1990-91

“And most importantly…Boy could that man dance!

You can do this too. You can give a “Lifetime Achievement Award” to important people in your life

Results a listener will experience when he/she implements the solution

Here are 7 results you’ll experience when you give a Lifetime Achievement award to someone who has everything - and to someone who has nothing

You will save money. Lifetime achievement awards costs very little money, if any at all. You can print it from a template on your word processor.
Your family, or mutual friends, will be brought close together, as you ask “What are some serious and funny things we can give our friend an award for?”
You’ll become a better listener and observer of the important people in your life, as you think about what to note in your award
You will connect on a deeper level with recipients whose love languages are words of affirmation - gifts - acts of service. That’s 3 of the 5 love languages right there in one gift (physical touch and quality time being the missing two). It will be especially meaningful to these kinds of people
You’ll create a historic record of a several points in time about a relationship. It can become an heirloom
You’ll have a lot of fun doing this,
It can repeated. You can give a Lifetime Achievement Award many times for many things.

Show summary in a sentence, the “The Big Idea” of today’s program.

One way of transforming a relationship into the best it can be is by doing what it takes to give someone a Lifetime Achievement Award.

Here's a way you can respond to today’s show

Think about a relationship you would like to honor, and begin listening to, observing, and reminding yourself of the good qualities of that person. You can it individually, but it’s more fun to do it collectively.

Next Week

I hope you come back next week to listen to the next episode of “You Were Made for This.” The easiest way to listen is to subscribe to wherever you get your podcasts, Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Google Play and others. That way you’ll be notified each week when a new episode comes out to help you transform your relationships into the best they can be.

Quote of the Week

Take delight in honoring each other.

Romans 12:10, New Living Translation Bible

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As I mentioned in the previous episode, this podcast is all about relationships. It’s the THIS you were made for. Fulfilling, life-giving relationships is what is what we are all made for. Relationships have the power to lift us, encourage us, and give significant meaning to our lives. At the same time, they can suck the life right out of us and make us want to spend summer afternoons on the couch binge watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island so we don’t have to deal with people. We want to change that by helping transform our relationships into the best they can be.

The goal of this show is that together, we will grow and learn how to make our relationships more satisfying and life-giving. So that we all become the best version of ourselves we can possibly be.

To that end, we will be drawing upon real-life stories of ordinary people just like you and me. We’ll be learning principles and best practices from them that we can put into action in our own relationships.

Today, for example, I’m going to share with you a story about a recent funk I was in about my relationships. I was feeling pretty disconnected from people and disappointed in some of them. But that all started to change in a most unusual way because of an unlikely relationship that lifted me out of the funk I was in.

Today’s story

My story starts when I first met her. I was 17. She was 43. Quite an age difference, I know. But what attracted me to her was that she was was one of the kindest people I had ever met. Both then and since. She would smile whenever she saw me. She would laugh at my adolescent humor. She always made me feel comfortable in her home. And she even made meals for me. Though I was not part of her family, she always made me feel like I was.

We both knew her daughter was the real reason I stopped over to her house so often, but she was icing on the cake. I later married her daughter, Janet. And then we officially became family.

My mother-in-law turned 95 a few months ago and is now in hospice care.

I’ve known her since I was in 11th grade. When Janet I married and then became parents, with way too little money, Elda’s kindness stepped into high gear. She had us over for dinner often. She bought our children clothes when we couldn’t afford to. She babysat our kids so we could do the things 20-something parents do. Many of our 20- and 30-something friends have no parents nearby to help out with their kids as we did. As I watch their lives, I appreciate Elda’s blessing more now than when we received it.

I don’t know how much longer Janet’s mom will be with us. She has heart disease on top of the Alzheimer’s that has taken much of her mind to another place. But it has not stolen her kindness.

She’s lives in a memory care unit of an assisted living facility, and we’ve seen her extend kindness to other residents and to the staff who work there. A lot of human dignity is lost in situations like this, and we’ve seen some of her fellow residents lash out at times because of it. But not Janet’s mom. In fact, they call her “Sweet Elda.” She can’t remember how to eat, or increasingly, who her daughter is. But she hasn’t forgotten how to smile, or how to be kind to people, all of whom are strangers to her.

On Mother’s Day this year Janet and I went to visit her mom. What I learned from my relationship with my mother-in-law that day may help you get out of the same kind of funk I was in. Let me tell you what happened.

Near the end of our Mothers’ Day visit, Janet tapped into a life-long pleasure of her mother’s: music. She said, “Hey mom, let’s sing.” So Janet started singing You Are My Sunshine, and her mother quickly joined in, accurately remembering the lyrics and melody.

All of this brought a smile to Elda’s face, and brought me back to memories of Elda when her mind was still with us, and the blessing she has been in my life.

Memories like bringing her onion rings from the restaurant I worked at in high school, and how gracious and thankful she was.
Memories like the time she let our beagle dog Barney out the door and the seat of my pants splitting as I reached to grab him.
Memories like all the meals at her house, especially Thanksgiving dinner and the “hysterectomy story” that was retold each year.
And the more recent memory of the first assisted living facility she was at that called us because of a “drinking problem” my mother-in-law developed because of hanging out too often with her friend across the hall.

Then after the first round of You Are My Sunshine, Janet got Elda started with doing motions to the song. Elda even added motions on her own to a second verse I didn’t know even existed. It reminded me of when I did motions to the same song with our daughter Jennifer when she was an infant. It was our favorite, at least for me.

There it was, Mother and daughter singing, and the memory of our own daughter, which for me painted a picture of 3 generations of the important women in my life.

Seeing the love, tenderness, and kindness Janet and her mother showed to each other lifted my spirts and out of the funk I was in. Like the hot summer sun evaporating the morning fog in our neighborhood.

Kindness begets kindness, and to see it on display as I did with Janet and her mom embedded a sweet memory in my soul I won’t soon forget.

What I learned that day from watching my wife and mother-in-law was that instead of dwelling on what I lacked in other relationships, to instead appreciate and be thankful for what I did have in this one very important relationship. It takes some of the sting out of what was missing.

It can work the same for you, too.

Which leads us to the Big Idea of today’s episode, our show summary in a sentence:

When some of our relationships are lacking and getting us down, it helps to remind ourselves of the ways OTHER relationships have enriched our lives,

Here’s a way you can respond to today’s show

One of the closing scenes of the documentary film about Mr. Fred Rogers, Won’t You Be My Neighbor, the narrator asks the people in the documentary who knew and worked with Mr. Rogers to take one minute to think of someone in their life who has encouraged them and believed in them. The scene then becomes silent, showing people thinking. As they begin telling who that person was for them, tears start to trickle down their faces. And down the faces of those of us in the theater, as well. It was quite moving.

I would like you to do the same thing. Right now. Take 60 seconds and think of a person who has deeply influenced you. Someone who has believed in you. Encouraged you and brought out the best in you. Think about that person and try to recall as much as you can about how they blessed your life. Then see if that doesn’t brighten your mood a little.

And if your up to it, send me an email to tell me who you thought of and what they meant to you. My email is john@caringforothers.org. I may share your response in future episodes. I hope to hear from you.

Next Time

That’s about it for today. I’ve dedicated this episode of You Were Made for This to honor my mother-in-law on her recent 95th birthday, because she has been such an important relationship in my life. She may not have a 96th, we just never know.

In the next episode I’ll share the story of a most unusual way some people honored me, and how you can do what they did to have fun in honoring someone important in YOUR life.

For now, remember the big idea of today’s show, our show summary in a sentence: When some of our relationships are lacking and getting us down, it helps to remind ourselves of the ways OTHER relationships have enriched our lives.

Closing

Before we close with the quote of the week I want to thank you for listening in today. If you found this podcast helpful, please head over to iTunes and leave a review. If you want to get each new weekly episode sent to you automatically, just hit “Subscribe.”

When you do this, and tell others about the show, it helps us to serve more people by helping them transform their relationships into the best they can be. Now, to close today’s program here is our quote of the week, from Mr. Rogers himself:

Quote of the Week

Often when you think you're at the end of something, you're at the beginning of something else.

Mr. Rogers

Resources

Won’t You Be My Neighbor?, released June 2018. A documentary about Mr. Fred Rogers. Available on Netflix, Amazon, YouTube, and other media outlets.

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John Certalic