Quarantime!: Recent Episodes
Brandon Black
COVID-19 is taking over the world, and nearly every person on earth is having their lives upended in one way or another. For me (and my lovely fam) that means we're spending quite a bit of time together. How are we planning on managing to stay sane with zero access to streaming services? What's occupying the brains within our noggins? How is my mom learning to love the stink bugs that are slowly but surely taking over our home? There are so many of them, and I still scream every time I see one. Find out in this breathtaking catalogue of a family trapped in quarantine. It's pretty lit, not gonna lie.
AH WHAT'S HAPPENING?? Oh, sorry, I thought there was an international pandemic and freaked out for a minute, excuse me. Luckily my phone went off to wake me from that dream and remind me that none of that's real! Wait... but this alarm is labeled... quarantime. Does that mean it wasn't a dream at all? You bet your bucket! In the inaugural season finale (maybe finale in general?) of America's longest lasting failed experiment, the gang collect their thoughts on the end of quarantine, US re-openings and how they're going to handle them, and smothering things that try to kill you to kill those things instead. It's a rootin-tootin good time! And thanks for listening. Truly :)
Isn't that the siren that's supposed to warn humanity of impending deadly storms or nuclear war? No silly, that's just the sound that tells us it's quarantime! In the inaugural 19th episode of the podcast that "took all the things in my life that were bad and threw them right out that window over there"-one of our neighbors who was talking about cleaning her house, Mom gets all kinds of rattled about Oreos, and we talk 50s sci-fi, in addition to if this truly is the end of the world. So hunker down in your bunkers and tune in to this episode!
Is it time to go outside yet? I certainly hope not, cause it's still quarantime according to my phone, which is in central standard time, a time zone that, due to its being in the middle, is probably the most correct and unbiased! In the inaugural 18th episode of the podcast that "changes every life for the better"-me, the fam talks movie theaters, Brandon's tattoo, and what the end of quarantine would actually even mean. It's the best one out of all of them, I checked.
Ding Dong, the witch is dead! But also, it's quarantime! In the inaugural 17th episode of the podcast that manages to be "nostalgic AND charming (An actual listener of the podcast, for real this time)," the fam talks TV shows they most relate to, fake geography, and the failings of the American education system. It's as nutritious as a big ole stack of pancakes with a glass of OJ on a Tuesday afternoon!
What type is it? Quarantype! That's right, on the inaugural 16th episode of the podcast that everyone you don't talk to is raving about, so to you it would appear no one was, we're talking the Enneagram, Schroeder gets terrified of his leash, and we're all very, very tired. Join us, pals!
Hang on, you're telling me that I've been out cold for the last 20 years, and I woke up just in time for quarantime? In its inaugural 15th episode, the podcast that's been called "'Hauntingly beautiful'-The New York Times review of 'All the Light We Cannot See,'" talks feelings, Justin Bieber TikToks, and a whole lot about cereal. Woot!
As I peer deep into my crystal ball, one image stands out above all... that's right, it's a picture of a clock wearing a hazmat suit, the international symbol for quarantime! In the inaugural 14th episode of the podcast with more weekly listeners than you could count on your hands, we talk the important stuff. Movies are apparently a visual medium! Long snake animals that look like they're from outer space! And of course, delicious brownies. Hop on into that there passenger seat, let's go for a ride!
Is that the buzz of a fruit fly ringing in my ear? No wait... the ringing is my dog Schroeder calling to remind me it's quarantime! In the 13th inaugural episode of the podcast you've heard so much about and are absolutely never going to listen to, the gang talks celebrating a holiday in quarantine, mom ponders the meaning of Watermelon Sugar, and dad kills a fruit fly on mic.
Sorry friends, my watch is actually broken today. So when I say it's quarantime, I'm going out on a limb here! In this here inaugural 12th episode of the world's #1 podcast in the eyes of my grandparents, we talk the important stuff, like the lengths my dad will go to stave off illness, what we're eating while quarantined in the middle of freakin nowhere, and some game called zip my sister made up. Much like Mr. Toad's ride, it's wild. Look it up.
Let's see... if I move the sundial over here just slightly, the shadow says it's quarantime? That's right, in the inaugural 11th episode of the podcast that "proves you definitely can have too much of a good thing. Please stop asking me que--"(-The Queen of England, prior to turning off my iPhone's voice memos app), we talk talking with friends in a time of constant solitude, legos, and baby hedgehogs. It's a good time.
I can hear it in the distance... the shifting of the tides as the moon appears overhead. That can only mean one thing: It's gotta be quarantime! In the inaugural tenth episode of the coronavirus podcast that Seventeen magazine named "a podcast in which everyone is older than seventeen," we discuss Avery stabbing herself on accident, mom's adult coloring book, and myriad haikus. It's gonna be mighty poetic, friends. Join us!
Tis the season everyone! Does that mean it's Christmastime? Nope, it means it's quarantime! In this inaugural ninth episode of "The one good thing to come out of this whole mess"- every single listener, the fam hones in on some movie recommendations, the deepest of metaphors, and dad just can't stop coughing, but we promise it's not corona. Let's dive on in!
You guys remember when Marty McFly had to travel back in time to 1955? Well we're traveling to right now cause it's quarantime! In this inaugural eighth episode of "the podcast that's way too close to reality to be entertaining"-President Obama (PSYCH! He probably loves it), the fam gets kind of serious for a second. We talk the eternal love of teddy bears, the classic pool game Marco Polo, and what we're scared of right now. I'll hold your hand the whole time, promise. Figuratively, of course.
Did everyone else set their clocks back? I know I did. And not because it's daylight saving time, because it's quarantime! In the inaugural seventh episode of the podcast that "reminded me way too much of my own family to be entertaining in any way,"(-anonymous listener) we talk about the important stuff. Quarantine fashion choices. An adorable British bear. And esports? You get the gist. Join us, friends!
Is it Quarantime already?? I almost slept right through it, that would've been a disaster! In this inaugural sixth episode of "the most magnificent audio-based quarantine experience on the internet" (-someone, eventually), the fam takes on carpenter bees and wasps at the same time, a truly wonderful faux pas, and a desire to stop wearing flip-flops.
Howdy friends! Are those the town's church bells chiming in the distance to mark the arrival of midnight that I hear? Nope, those just mean it's Quarantime! In the inaugural fifth episode of the podcast that "will be used as a primary source in future media history and culture classes" (a quote from one of my professors), our fam celebrates its first quarantine birthday, we discuss the comedy legend that is our grandmother, and we play monopoly. Come on in, the water's warm.
What's your favorite time of year? Mine's the springtime, when the flowers begin to bloom and all the little animals come out for a nice jaunt every so often. Just kidding, it's Quarantime of course! In the inaugural fourth episode of your favorite podcast (maybe? Thought it was worth a shot) gets crazy as the fam finally figures out some household responsibilities, Avery takes a nap, and my lovely mother takes my self-confidence to task. It's the best one yet, and that's a guarantee.
I just woke up and my alarm is telling me it's... Quarantime? In the inaugural third episode of the world's number one after-dinner pandemic-oriented podcast, the fam discusses elementary school flashbacks, a potentially prehistoric turtle, and the joys of claustrophobic movies. So hunker down and lend us your ears, because we know you're not going anywhere either.
Oh hey, didn't see you there. I don't know if everyone else's clocks are still working, but ours is and apparently it's quarantime! In this inaugural second episode, we discuss how we're complete and total posers, our family's wasp trauma, and a very special toy poodle. It's a good time.
Buckle up folks, cause it's quarantime! In the inaugural episode of America's favorite family-oriented pre-apocalypse podcast, you'll be privy to a multitude of exciting events, including: Actual therapeutic tips for being stuck in your house! Ways to accept and love what might at first be frightening (stink bugs mostly)! And most importantly, a shot gets shot. Get pumped y'all.