The Parenting Presence

View Details

This episode is for those who find themselves in an inner space of awkward loss and silence, for those who feel grief and overwhelm from the events of the world. Here we reflect on the Middle East crisis, by stepping outside the politics and into the quiet solitude of a grieving heart.

What do you do, when you don't want to talk, yet want to be heard?

What do you do, when you don't know what to say, and yet want to be understood?

When you can't reveal what's on your heart, and want to be seen regardless, what do you do?

Sometimes it may feel like we arrive at an empty parking lot, finding silence and desertion, instead of a sign of life. We hear silence instead of voices that talk about things we find important. Events of our times may make us feel alone and abandoned, when what deeply matters seems to be left out of the conversation and ignored.

Tune into this episode, where we explore ways to reconnect with our own heart, in our attempt to look into the unseen.

"Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.

Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.

Want to explore another important issue?

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Imagine if we needed to know everything about our lungs in order to take a breath. It would be impossible to live. And yet, something similar is happening with emotions. We no longer trust our basic intuitions about what we feel, because of so much noise in the mainstream narrative about the purpose of emotions and what to do about them. But how complicated are our emotions, really?

Today let's chat about why the world of emotions has become so complicated and why it harms us when we overcomplicate emotions. How much should we listen to experts and is there anything we can do instead?

That and more in today's conversation.

"Don't Blame The Brain" is the book I reference in this episode. You don't want to miss it! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions, make them work for you (not against you), and feel better finally.

Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.

Want to explore another important issue?

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Strong relationships depend on respectful interactions. As we discussed in the previous episode, one of the things that will make the transition into the school year more smooth is to maintain a strong relationship with our children.

But you may wonder, what does it look like? Afterall, respectful interactions are not about giving into the child's whishes, nor is it about being permissive.

In this episode, I give you some ideas about what that may look like.

If you'd like to have an easy-access visual reference to these ideas, you can find the one-page overview in the podcast shownotes. Go to theparentingpresence.com and click on Episode 071.

"Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.

Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Twitter @JuliaPappasJoy or on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

The transition from summer vacation to the school year is typically centered around preparing children for the changes ahead. However, an often overlooked aspect is the well-being of parents during this shift. In this episode, we explore five unconventional pieces of advice that focus on parents' needs and well-being to ensure a successful school year.

Mentioned in this episode:

"Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.

Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.

Want to explore another important issue?

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Our children rely on us for everything. Meeting our children’s needs is our responsibility. This seems like an accurate statement. But upon close inspection, it is only partially correct. Let’s see why…

The younger children are, the more they rely on us.

The older they are, however, the less they should need from us.

That is the nature of growing up.

The developmental purpose of childhood is to take the time needed to become an adult. And not just any adult, but an adult who is independent and self-reliant. And the task of parenting is to help our children with that.

One of the ways we help is by teaching children to take care of their own needs.

If you look at childhood from that perspective, our job as parents is not actually to take care of our children. That is only part of it, a temporary one at that. The more important and often overlooked part of our job is to teach them how to do it for themselves. And while they are learning, we do of course help them meet those needs.

Tune into today’s episode of The Parenting Presence to hear more.

"Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.

Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.

Want to explore another important issue?

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

For way too long we were told that the reason why we have negative emotions is because our brain is at fault. In other words, we were told that there are "errors" in our thinking and that the brain sends us false signals and creates problems when there are none.

And so when we believe this to be true, we try to talk ourselves out of what we are feeling and do a lot of work to change our thoughts about what we feel. When you feel bad, it isn't your mind or your mindset that's at fault.

Let's correct that misconception!

Why?

Because no amount of thought-work can address the real reason behind emotions.

That is why we end up stuck in them.

In this episode, we discuss what the actual role of emotions is and what to do to resolve them. This is one of many conversations we will have about emotional regulation, so stay tuned for next episodes.

As a parent, you are not only dealing with your own emotions, but also the emotions of your child. When we are well emotionally regulated and have our needs met, we will show up differently in all challenging interactions, which — let's be honest — parenting is full of!

"Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.

Get a FREE Chapter at dontblamethebrain.com

Want to explore another important issue?

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Let's talk about encouragement...

When we know that children can do better, it is hard not to want to encourage them to do better. Right? We want them to do well. In fact, we want them to do their best. But will they?

It all depends on how we approach these situations. The ones when we see a difference between where our child is currently at and where they can be... How do we encourage them in a way that is actually helpful?

Tune into this episode, to find out!

__________________________

"Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.

Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.

Want to explore another important issue?

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

If you only had time to read ONE book on emotional regulation, which one would I recommend? Until recently I would think long and hard about this question, because there wasn’t a book that checked all the boxes for me. Something was always missing. I finally found the missing piece and I have a book recommendation to make.

"Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.

Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

What do boundaries have to do with emotional regulation? In this episode we are exploring the connection between the Sense of Self and the child’s sense of psychological Boundaries and what they have to do with the child’s emotional regulation.

We explore why there can be no mental health without a Sense of Self.

And the child’s ability to form a strong Sense of Self depends on Boundaries.

It is the child's Sense of Self that ultimately helps them regulate emotionally, because of things like self-awareness and self-control, that come with the Sense of Self. Self awareness helps the child become aware of what they are feeling and also become aware of the fact that these are their emotions. And because it is their emotions, it is the child who wants to feel better, and is therefore compelled to find a way to self-regulate.

And the ability to self-regulate comes from their capacity for self-control.

This capacity increases as the child’s Sense of Self gets stronger.

And the only way the Sense of Self can get stronger is — through boundaries. And so, as the Sense of Self strengthens (when protected by boundaries), it in turn also helps reinforce those boundaries even more.

This way, Boundaries and Sense of Self are not only interconnected, they reinforce each other.

Want to explore another important issue?

"Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.

Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Facing personal losses and overcoming life storms is challenging as it is. But how do we do that in the context of the world at large that seems to be going through crisis after crisis, without an end in sight?

Every loss and every challenge we face splits the path we’re on into two.

One takes you towards disorientation and disintegration, which ultimately leads to more chaos.

The other — towards a deep assessment of what matters. It keeps us grounded, while also planting seeds for next steps and growth.

Four things are helpful to keep in mind when we navigate dark times in our lives. These are:

Understanding the sphere of threat
Assessing the sphere of influence
Orienting in chaos
Sense of Agency

Making sure we have clear priorities, will also ensure that we are not leaking resources into the world we cannot help. That way we can preserve them to support our own smaller world, within the sphere of our influence. That is the way we have the most impact and are able to weather our own storms.

Want to explore another important issue?

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Assertiveness is that special quality we want our children to have. But what is it? And how do we get it? What can we do to make sure our children become more assertive?

Feeling lost? You are not the only one.

I used to have trouble with it, until something became clear:

The trouble with assertiveness is not that it is complicated, but that it has vague definitions.

For example “healthy communication” and “being willing to understand others.” What does that even mean? Can it get any more vague? And some of these definitions include words and connotations that we may not be comfortable with, such as “forceful” or “aggressive.” I mean, who wants to teach their child to be more aggressive?

You need a better definition, the one that gets to the core of what assertiveness is about. Here it is:

Assertiveness is the ability to say “no.”

Another way to say the same thing is that assertiveness is about — boundaries. If we want our children to be more assertive, we have to help them express their boundaries.

That is, truly, all you need to focus on.

No need to worry about all those ancillary qualities that accompany assertiveness, but do not "cause" it. When children are able to say “no,” defend their preference, express their needs and wants (especially when it may not be easy to do) — when they are able to do all that, you will see them confident, bold, daring, and assured.

Want to explore another important issue?

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

2023 is here and so are some pretty awsome news I really want to share with you. Here is what is coming this year:

making commitments to ourselves based on what truly serves us
my book on emotions, their purpose, and how to truly benefit from them. See details at www.dontblamethebrain.com
as we continue talking about children, we will also focus more on the adult (you and me) in that dynamic
more tools for you to strengthen your own wellbeing, so that you can show up in parenting the best way that you can
the importance of knowing oneself and having a Sense of Agency, both as an adult and as a parent

Want to explore another important issue?

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Have you been wondering why your child is not sharing as many things as they used to? Do they give you one-word responses or would rather talk about things with their friends? Do they seem less interested in discussing different things with you? And does all of that make it seem as though they are hiding something from you or have secrets?

Let's talk about it!

First of all, this is important to address because it does create stress for us parents. It is not a pleasant experience to feel like your child is less interested in spending time together. And it is concerning to think they hold secrets from us.

And the second reason for this conversation is to give you a set of concepts to guide your understanding of what is happening for your child. And also, not the least important, what may be going on for you as a parent as your watch child grow and things between you change.

Tune in to this episode of The Parenting Presence to hear:

what is expected for children developmentally
what is the difference between secret and private
what happens when we worry and ask too many questions
and how to ensure we continue to have a solid relationship as our children grow and change.

Want to explore another important issue?

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Let’s be honest for a second. Is gratitude working for you? No, I am not asking whether you are trying to make it work, but whether you truly feel the way you want to feel when you engage in a gratitude practice. If yes, fantastic (read on, as it may be helpful to know why it's working so well) and if not, great too, because we will sort this out.

Gratitude is a helpful practice for all parents, when done right.

There is enough to worry about in parenting, to have to deal with the troubles that a well-intended practice of gratitude can create. You see, though a simple idea, the practice of gratitude as it has been promoted in the mainstream culture, has lost some of its nuances. And these nuances are pretty essential, if you ask me. When gratitude is approached with the wrong understanding, it can actually make us more anxious and stressed.

The way gratitude makes us feel depends on our nervous system.

More specifically, it depends on which part of our autonomic nervous system (ANS for short) is engaged when we practice gratitude. If you are not into neuropsych stuff, don’t run away from me just yet. I will make this really simple. First, let’s start with how you expect to feel when following a gratitude practice.

You expect to feel is — peaceful and nourished.

What you may feel instead is — a bit more anxious.

Not at all what you wanted, right? Why is that? The answer lies in whether you are engaging in more doing in your gratitude practice, as opposed to more being. These two states tend to conflict with one another, and that is why you may not be feeling satisfied with what your gratitude practice does for you. You see, two very different parts of our nervous system are activated when we are doing vs. when we are being.

When we are in the doing mode, we engage our sympathetic nervous system.

When we are in the being mode, we engage our parasympathetic nervous system.

You may not be thinking that you are engaged in a lot of doing when it comes to gratitude, but actually — you may be, without even realizing it. So tune into this week’s Episode of The Parenting Presence podcast, where together we sort out these details. It is when we shift from doing to being, that gratitude truly begins to feel like a restorative and supportive practice.

Want to explore another important issue?

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Today we are talking about the third and final skill of the Future, which is Resourcefulness. It is one of three core skills our children will need in order to face whatever future may have in store for them.

No matter what their life may look like, no matter what they choose to do, they will face challenges and will have to solve problems. That is why they will need to be resourceful in order to do that successfully.

And yes, Resourcefulness is a skill we can build.

It's not an innate quality some children get if they are lucky.

There is a lot we can do as parents to support the child's capacity for Resourcefulness. But guess what? You don't need to memorize another long list of things you should do. You are doing enough already! Instead in this episode I show you how to do less by thinking less about what you need to teach, but rather giving your child opportunities to learn on their own.

Let's dive in and talk about what we can do to support our children in this area of their development.

Want to explore another important issue?

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Today we are talking about the second skill of the Future, which is Resilience. It is one of three core skills our children will need in order to face whatever future may have in store for them.

No matter what their life may look like, no matter what they choose to do, they will need the skill of Resilience in order to manage it successfully.

And yes, Resilience is a skill we can build.

Whether a child has resilience or not, is not the question. It is how much of it they have and whether they could benefit from strengthening their resilience muscle and have capacity for more. And, of course, we could all benefit from having stronger resilience.

Let's dive in and talk about what we can do to support our children in this area of their development.

Want to explore another important issue?

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

In this episode we are talking about self-regulation as one of the core skills our children will need for the future. No matter what the future brings, no matter what they choose to do with their lives, they will need self-regulation.

Regardless of what life throws their way, they will manage just fine, if they have the skill of self-regulation.

Think about it… What can you really do, if you cannot manage yourself? Hardly anything. In order to be able to engage in productive action, we must be able to regulate ourselves. That means being in charge of our emotions, our thoughts, and our behaviors.

The same applies to our children.

They need the same skills.

Self-regulation depends on self-awareness. To make it more likely that things go our way, it helps to know who we are, what we need, and how to go about it. Not an easy task for a child. In fact it is a lifelong process, and so it helps if we are there by their side, helping and guiding.

Want to explore another important issue?

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

It is no longer a secret. Digital devices are designed to be addictive. That should be an automatic red flag when it comes to anything our children handle and interact with. Not only does this mean that it is important we monitor their use, but that we also must think about alternatives.

But how can you offer a good alternative when gadgets are all your child seems to want?

It's time to get to know brain chemistry a little better! If you know how the gadgets are tricking you and your child, then you can actually be more intentional about getting what you need in healthy ways. Electronic devices are tricking the brain to believe you have everything you need inside the screen, which is what creates dependency. They automatically activate brain centers that release “happy chemicals” and make us believe we can’t get that goodness anywhere else.

But that is not true.

The same neurotransmitters and reward centers in the brain are activated when we get what we need from real life experiences. Choosing real life experiences over artificial ones can save your child from a future digital addiction.

The neurotransmitters of wellbeing are: dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphin. I walk you through what triggers each one of them and discuss the natural ways we can get them through real life experiences. Have a listen!

Want to explore another important issue?

Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

It's been too long of a pause between episodes! An unintended one at that. It's time I said hello. In this episode I check in with you and give you a quick update on where things are.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

Want to explore another important issue?

View Details

The one area where parents get tricked the most by clever marketing is gadgets and devices... Why? Because one of the clever (even though unethical) ways, in which smart devices are promoted, is through twisting of the language.

When gadgets and devices are being sold to us, words that we are likely to find appealing are used to make us think that we are buying something "smart" and "engaging" and "educational", or at the very least -- something that is "developmentally appropriate" and good for our children. It isn't so.

In this episode we discuss several words that are used to promote screens to kids. And I invite you to think about what truly stands behind this misrepresentation. For example, when a device is called smart, is it because it makes our children smarter? Or is it because it has a built-in A.I. that learns about the users and manipulates them? Yup, the latter.

Tune in to hear more.

Documentary mentioned in this episode:
The Social Dilemma (2020)

Want to explore another important issue?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Here is what most concerns me lately... I think that we have become too trusting. And because we are overly trusting, we become easily misled.

Discernment is a skill every parent should have.

You owe it to yourself and your children. Discernment is a mix of common sense with a healthy dose of skepticism. And let me tell you, there is a lot to be skeptical about. Especially when it comes to what is being pushed into our parenting world and in front of our children.

We must guard our parenting from unwanted influence.

We must have the courage to protect our children.

Let's talk about that, shall we? Tune into this episode and let me know what you think about the issues I bring up.

Want to explore another important issue?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Your self-esteem impacts your confidence, how you show up in the world, and the way you see yourself. Your own self-esteem also impacts your parenting presence. What does that mean?

The way you show up in the world also impacts how you show up in the world of your child.

And the way you see yourself also impacts the way you see yourself as a parent. And since children observe us all the time (that is the way they learn after all), they also see how we react to the world and how that impacts the way we feel about ourselves.

Children learn how to feel about themselves by the way they see us feel about our own selves.

Whether we are aware of it or not, we teach them how to feel about themselves through modeling. So to help children develop a healthy sense of self-esteem, we need to check in with ourselves:

How is our own self-esteem?
What can strengthen it?

That and more on today’s episode.

Want more ideas?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

What do future-ready children look like? And if the future is so unpredictable, how can we prepare our children for it?

Thinking about the "great unknown" can cause a lot of anxiety. But here is the good news: Not only is there a set of skills and abilities that will make a difference down the road no matter what the future looks like, but these are also the things we can do today.

So what are those abilities that truly matter, that will stand the test of time and will be relevant no matter how many years into the future we look?

This, and more, in today's episode.

Want more ideas?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

It is not easy to parent a child, especially in unpredictable times. Have you tried planning anything in 2020? Has 2021 turned out as you expected? With so many changes in how we live today and not knowing what we need to prepare our children for, it can be anxiety provoking.

One of the ways we deal with that anxiety is by clinging onto what we think we can control -- our children.

We try to decide ahead of time what specific skills they need to build and what private lessons they need to sign up for. But what really happens when we try to control our children from the place of our own fear is that we become rigid and narrow minded.

What we think our children will need in order to be successful, may be far from what they will actually need when they grow up.

In this episode I am inviting you to join me in exploring how we can parent with a future-oriented perspective and why it is so important to stay flexible and receptive.

Want more ideas?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Intrinsic motivation is the thing we think will get our kids to do stuff without us nagging at them. We hope that when kids are intrinsically motivated, the need for extrinsic rewards will go away...

Put it simply, all of us wonder where does intrinsic motivation come from and how can our children have some more of it?

If you've ever wondered — how can I make my child be motivated without tricks? — then tune into this episode. We explore where intrinsic motivation comes from and what parents can do to facilitate its development.

We will also answer the question, which motivation is better — extrinsic or intrinsic.

By the way, what do you think?

Which one is better?

And, why?

(Note your answer, and then take a listen to find out mine.)

Want more ideas?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Parenting is so hard

Kids are so difficult

We are so worn out and nothing is working

There is nothing to be grateful for

Ugh

Although there are times when all of this feels very true, let's also find the courage to look for that which makes it all worth it.

We will find many things to be grateful for which may not be immediately visible to us. We begin to see what's there, as soon as we stop ruminating about what isn't there.

Everything we have ever put our energy into, gives us something back.

When we put so much energy into parenting, wouldn't it be only fair that we got some of it in the return? And it does, if we know how to see. We need to look to things that make it all worth it, no matter what.

Take a listen...

Want more ideas?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

In episode 046, we talked about three essential pillars to respect and the first one was about seeing your child as an Individual: A complete, whole human being with their own thoughts, needs, and feelings…

Today we make a special emphasis on the Separateness Factor of being an Individual.

As soon as your child is able to interact with the world intentionally, they begin to acquire their own experience, separate and private from ours. What that means is that there is a lot we do not know about our children.

And we don’t have to.

Not knowing is not the problem, it is our assumptions that we do know — that’s a problem. When we assume we know, we begin to impose ourselves... When we impose, we overstep the child’s boundaries.

And we already talked about how important boundaries are to the child’s sense of Self. The antidote to broken boundaries is to acknowledge the child’s Sovereignty.

What is that precisely and how do we do that?

Tune in to hear more.

Want more ideas?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

What do you do when you catch your child lying? Have you been perplexed as to why this happens and what to do with this behavior?

To tackle this challenge, we need to understand where the child is developmentally, and also be able to tell the difference between intentional deception and other forms of non-truth and storytelling.

We also need to embrace the fact that lies, when they happen, tell us a lot about the child's hidden needs and can show us the way to approach the situation.

Tune into this episode, where I talk about primarily two main reasons behind lying and deception. I also talk about strategies and a way to approach these situations before they turn into a maladaptive and habitual pattern of behavior.

Need more ideas?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Being respectful with children, no matter how frustrating they can be at times, is such an important contributing factor to their overall development.

But the one thing we often miss is that treating children with respect also has a tremendous impact on how we feel about ourselves and our parenting.

If we don't grasp that, we miss out on a very important emotional resource that can help us feel grounded and confident, and even help us thrive in our parenting journey.

Tune into to this episode to hear why and how this works.

Need more ideas?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

As gadgets become part of our children's lives, we begin to hear many opinions on what is "appropriate use" and how much screen time is OK.

Where do you get your advice from? How much do you trust The Media? How many of your decisions you started to question based on what someone says? How to know what source is reputable and how to judge for yourself? Such important questions!

Here is what I cover in today's episode:

Learn what guidelines I use & recommend
Hear my opinion about "teaching apps"
Walk with me through an example of misleading research
Understand how lack of barriers to consumption makes us vulnerable to misinformation
Learn 6 tools for critical assessment of claims made in the media

Need more ideas?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Is your child simply unmotivated? Are they lazy? Is there more to their lack of engagement? In this episode, we talk about the differences between kids who don’t do stuff simply because they don’t want to and those who would like to, but can't.

These are the kids with avoidant tendencies.

They not only avoid activities that other children would normally avoid — such as chores or homework — but also those activities that would typically be fun and enjoyable. Why is that?

At the core of avoidant tendencies is the child’s self-esteem and their sense of worth.

They have learned to hide and avoid discomfort by avoiding anything that is remotely likely to challenge their fragile self-perception. So much so that they are willing to trade fun and enjoyment in return for a sense of comfort.

Tune into this episode to find out how to tell the difference between laziness and avoidant tendency. And also, what to do to reduce them.

Need more ideas?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

How do we resolve a lack of motivation in our children?

It is not enough to be frustrated with our children or be disappointed in them. Although the feelings are completely justified, they do not make things happen. To see more motivated children, we need to put in a bit of effort to help them.

There is no quick fix. Developing independence is a developmental process that takes time. But we can and should facilitate it.

Of course you can try and use a trick — such as natural consequences (positive or negative) — to encourage the child to complete tasks. But although using natural consequences it is OK, it is a short-lived strategy. It will get a task done, but it will not lead to a child developing a sense of autonomy and motivation.

Initiative and independence — are internal states driven by internal motivation, so creating external rewards is not going to develop these internal drivers for action. So how do you motivate a child who does not show motivation?

There are 7 basic principles behind motivation for non-preferred tasks. If you put these into practice, you will see a huge difference. If you ignore them, you are more likely to face resistance from your child and see more “lazy” behavior or avoidance of particular tasks. So keep these in mind as you encourage your child to be more willing to take action:

Humans like to do things that make them feel good.
No one likes negative consequences. So don’t overdo it.
Timing is everything.
Model what you’d like to see.
Choice is everything.
Ability is key.
Done is better than perfect.

We look at some examples and how these principles apply. Tune in for the full conversation and share this episode with others!

Need more ideas?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

We’ve all done it. At one time or another, we have compared our children to someone else’s. How many times have we said, “Look at so-and-so, why can’t you be like them?” Even though never said with an ill intent, comparing children leads to poor self-esteem.

A few takeaways from this episode:

Before the child can look to someone else as a role model and feel inspired to do what they do, they need to have a strong sense of self-worth already instilled in them.
The child relies on our approval and feedback, in order to know how to feel about what they are doing.
If we talk by ways of comparison we come across judgmental and this will create an inner critic in the child’s private world of thoughts and feelings.
When someone else’s praise and opinion has been given the power to motivate, it will equally gain the power to deflate and to put down.

That is the ultimate cost of comparison. Let us do what we can to keep our children away from the comparison trap. Let us not set them up for failure before they have experienced success.

Need more ideas?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Sometimes you are just spent and have nothing to give. Sometimes, even if you’d like to be there for your child, you just can’t. Whatever the reason, sometimes we are not there for our children when they need us. Is that a problem?

We’ve talked before about how important it is to take care of your child’s needs.

Getting needs met is a critical part of our child’s development, on many levels. We also talked about the difference between the needs and the wants, so that meeting the child’s needs becomes easier. Meeting the child’s needs takes priority over fulfilling every wish and want they may have, and our responsibility as parents is to take care of the child’s needs, even when we cannot satisfy their wants.

But what happens when the needs of the child are not met?

Does that make you a bad parent? Does that make you neglectful and what consequences does that have on your child’s development? Say your child is thirsty and you have nothing to offer them… Then what? Or they really need your support and comfort, and you are not around… Then what?

Are you failing as a parent?

What happens when we are unable to get our child’s needs met, depends on a few factors. Knowing how important it is to have the child’s needs met, makes us wonder — or worry — about those times when we fail to do that. How bad is it when the child’s needs are not met? The answer is — it depends. It may have negative consequences and it may not. It depends on the situation and how it is handled.

And that is exactly what we explore in today’s episode.

Need more ideas?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Staying connected with our children is important. But what does it even mean? What does connection look like when it’s there, and how do we know when it’s missing?

Lack of connection is evident in our difficulty to have an impact on our children either with words or actions. That is what we see at the surface. What creates a strong connection?

In today's episode, I am offering a shift in perspective that may give you a very clear look as to what connection is and what it is built on. I hope that seeing connection from this perspective will help you tell how things are going between you and your child, as well as what you may want to do if you feel like improvements may be needed.

Need more ideas?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

We often think that it is the limits that children resist, when in fact it is the power and control we exert over them that they don’t welcome.

Your child has will power, just as do you.

When we over-control children, we end up with power struggles. In order to have limits without the power struggles, we need to empower our children and give them the sense of control. That is accomplished through a diplomatic approach, that sees the child as a separate individual with their own drive and wants.

Additional Episodes to revisit that help build foundation for limit setting:

036: Managing Expectations With Children

030: Meeting the Child’s Needs vs. Bending to Their Wishes

026: The Right Balance of Freedoms and Limits

025: Dynamics of Respect Between Parents & Children

020: How to Affirm and Validate Your Child

Need more ideas?

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

When children are well-regulated, we spend less time regulating them. Less time spent on tantrums and arguments, means more time for us and for ourselves.

When we invest a bit of time upfront, we get our time back.

So how do we do that? To help children be more balanced and well-adjusted, we show them that they matter and are important to us. We do that by giving them our time and attention. This is also known as "holding space" and creating quality moments that can last from a short few minutes and much longer.

Lack of time boundaries may hold us back from making time.

We may be hesitant to engage with the child and struggle holding that space for them, because we worry that it may take too much time. We may feel uncomfortable wrapping up and moving on, and that can prevent us from truly engaging with children in a meaningful way.

In this conversation we talk about how to set comfortable time limits around your attention and how to transition out of holding space in two ways:

Indirect transitions
Direct closures

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

When we feel frustrated and exhausted with our child's behavior, we may be attributing our feelings to the way our child behaves. But why do our children behave the way they do?

Often an answer to that is poor boundaries.

Lack of good boundaries in a Parent-Child relationship can lead to frustration, burnout, and even resentment. Very often we tend to attribute poor boundaries in that relationship to our children, and when we do that, it makes us feel powerless to change our dynamic.

And yes, it's true, children have a poor sense of boundaries. Why? Because they were born without them. At the same time, it is our responsibility to show where our boundaries are and teach our children to respect them.

When we do that -- when we protect our boundaries -- we accomplish two things:

We feel more empowered, grounded, and in control
We help our child develop a Sense of Self

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Expectations and limits can send out kids into resistance and tantrums... How well your child is following expectations and limits you set for them, depends on three important keys:

How reasonable these limits are
The quality of our relationship with the child
How repetitive and consistent are these limits

If the child is not following expectations we already set for them, the likelihood that they will comply with even more expectations — is miniscule. So before we set new limits, we need to troubleshoot our previous efforts by focusing on these three keys: Reason, Relationship, and Repetition.

You might be wondering... If consistency, routines, and rules are so important, why do our children constantly challenge them?

Actually, children do not challenge the limits themselves (unless these limits are developmentally not appropriate), but the way they are set. If there is a tension and a conflict surrounding the limit, the child will be less agreeable to follow through.

What can help us get to the other side and reach compliance? Relationship, reasonable limits, and expectations that are part of a routine (i.e., consistent).

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Do you have a lazy kid? How can you tell? If any of the following is true, today's conversation may be for you:

If your child never tidies up their room and it always looks like a tornado zone
If every chore you ask their help with is declined with disgust
If there is no school subject your child does well in, despite adequate abilities
If your child is avoiding anything that requires thinking or concentrated effort
If the child shows no perseverance and gives up as soon as failure is sensed
If the child can never decide for themselves and shows no will power
And if all of these things are typical for your child and is not an occasional behavior...

...then, let's face it — something is wrong and this conversation is for you.

So how do we end up with a “lazy” kid?
And what do we do about it?

Tune in to find out.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Holding space for children is one of the most important things we can do for their wellbeing and healthy emotional development. Although it is a relatively simple practice, sometimes holding space seems like the hardest things to do?

Why is that?

In this episode we explore 5 most common reasons that prevent us from creating space and focusing on the child.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Experts are great, unless you can't follow their advice.

Experts are great, until they confuse you.

Experts are great, until they disagree.

So then what do you do? Whom do you listen to?

It's simple. You listen to yourself. Experts know a lot, but the one thing they don't know is you and the particulars of your life, your child, and your situation.

In this episode I touch upon what you need to know in order to be more empowered to be your own expert when it comes to your child, your parenting, and your life.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Knowing how important it is to maintain our well-being as parents, what would you do to prevent parent burnout? You could probably quit your job if it were driving you crazy, but you can’t quit your children, no matter how much they exhaust you.

Typical suggestions given to people that experience job stress (such as, taking a vacation, setting boundaries on your time, switching teams, etc.) do not quite work for parents. While setting boundaries is definitely a must, it can only can be done to a certain extent because:

you cannot close the door on your children and “go home” -- they are your home.

Even though some of these things are not really possible for parents, there are other practical suggestions that you can benefit from. In this episode, we go over eight steps that can get you started now on the path to either preventing parent burnout from happening, or recovering from it if you are heading there.

Watch out for signs of burnout.

Be proactive and screen yourself for red flags by accessing the Parent Burnout Screener here. It only takes a couple of minutes to complete, but could make a huge difference in how you view and manage your role as a parent.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Parents burn out for many reasons, the most important of which is neglecting their own needs. Parenting is a demanding job, with many energy taxing tasks.

The most energy draining one of them is holding our child’s emotions.

Even though we want to be there for our children, supporting them emotionally -- is a lot of work. Our emotional energy gets spent the most when we are helping our child to process their strong emotions.

Parent burnout is quite complex because it goes beyond physical or mental burnout. When we support child's emotions without supporting our own, we deplete our emotional reserves. That happens even when we remain calm, present, and composed.

Loss of emotional energy leads to emotional burnout.

And I think that this part may be the most hidden aspect of why parents not only burn out, but also have a hard time recovering.

Unless we make some intentional decisions to take care of ourselves as parents, we will experience this type of burnout. Do you know whether you are at risk for parent burnout and need to take proactive steps to prevent it from happening? Use the Parent Burnout Screener below to identify your burnout quotient and help you answer this question.

Watch out for signs of burnout. Be proactive and screen yourself for red flags by accessing the Parent Burnout Screener here. It only takes a couple of minutes to complete, but could make a huge difference in how you view and manage your role as a parent.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Why is it that we can assert ourselves with other adults, but give in with our children? Why is it that we can decline an invitation and say “Thank you for thinking of me, and I won’t be able to. I have made other plans.” Yet we feel forced into a game our child set up for us... It is harder to tell NO to our children than it is to other people.

Why is that?

Because we misunderstand what our role is as a parent and think that it is our responsibility to make sure our children have "everything they need." And yes, of course, I agree with this — it is our responsibility to give children what they need — if we are indeed talking about needs.

Trouble is, we rarely slow down to consider the difference between needs and wants.

We respond to the child's request on auto-pilot — since the child is asking, it must be needed, therefore it is our job to fulfill the request. Seems logical and therefore, our autopilot response kicks in.

But there must be a line there somewhere. Right?

Yes, there is a line between Yes and No, and that line lies in the difference between the true Needs and simply a Want.

Tune into this episode to learn more about that to be able to say Yes or No with more confidence.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Out of all the needs children have, the need for acceptance plays a critical role in their development. Understanding this very essential and basic need, holds the key to understanding our roles as parents.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Besides accidental boundary crossing, repeated violations happen when we do not acknowledge that children need to have their boundaries respected and protected.

A child, no matter how young, has the right to have their own psychological and physical space. The older they are the more that space will expand. This is the way they develop their sense of Self.

Children also have the right to not be involved in other people’s psychological and physical space, by not being forced into things that do not truly serve them.

In this episode we talk about what crossing the child's boundaries may look like, why it may be happening, and what to watch out for. We also explore the consequences of violated boundaries.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Do you know that the best way to build a strong relationship with the child is to listen to them? But do we know how to listen?

Listening done right, helps us see.

We may be listening to children all the time. After all they rarely stop talking if you let them. But are we actually receiving what it is they share? When we shift from simply hearing our child’s voice to truly understanding their perspective, we move from simply looking at our children to truly seeing them.

That is why listening the right way — in a manner that is receiving and inviting of the child — is also an important way to support the child's sense of self and identity. Receiving the child and the child’s experience also creates a natural opportunity for self-regulation. This is so because:

Being heard gives the power to solve many challenges.

In today's podcast episode, I share with you 6 parts to intentional listening:

Make space for it
Let the child do the talking
Focus on the child’s experience
Be the blank canvas
Repeat back
Invite to elaborate

When we practice receiving in this way, we become better equipped to support children when they truly struggle. For example, we help children process strong emotions not by fixing them and doing a lot of talking, but by making space for them and doing a lot of listening.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Children need both, freedoms and limits. Freedoms without limits create chaos. But too many limits lead to unmet needs. How do we get this right?

It can be tricky to navigate the new way we build relationships with our children, especially as we become more aware of their rights and needs. So is it OK to say “no” to your child and how many times? How to stay clear of overindulging?

The right balance of both freedoms and limits not only helps our child develop, it also builds our relationship with them.

Freedoms without limits create chaos in the families and anxiety for children. Too many limits with barely any freedoms leads to unmet needs. When the child’s needs are not met they either withdraw or become aggressive. It is important to get a balance of both.

What does the right balance look like?

Think "reasonable" and you will be on the right path. The balance is built on the needs of the child and the needs of those around the child. Your child does have a human right to getting their needs met, and so when it comes to their needs, it is wise to say yes and to allow for conditions that will meet that need.

We are not setting limits on our children’s needs. We only set limits on their wants — the way they want something to happen is negotiable. We are in charge of that.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

The way we understand respect, determines a lot about how we parent and how much we enjoy it. In the past, parents demanded respect from children (remember how it was when you were little?), but today children expect it from parents. What that practically means differs hugely from family to family, and each has its own dynamics of respect.

What is your understanding of respect?

Do children deserve it and what does it look like?

As parents we may be eager to do many things in the name of respect towards our children. We may relax some rules and give more freedoms... And yet, why does it sometimes feel like the more we allow children to do or to have, the less respected by them we may feel?

Our actions are guided by our definition of respect.

Respect is not about what we do for the other. It is about how we make them feel. It is also about how it makes us feel to be respectful. But if we think of respect as something we do for someone, we are more likely to cross our own boundaries. Respect towards another — including children — is not about giving up our personal strength or power. That never feels good.

We do not need to bend over backwards in order to be considerate of our children’s needs.

We do not need to give up our own needs or overstep our own boundaries. Yes, we certainly have a better appreciation for children than the previous generations might have had. Still, it isn’t the child’s whims and wishes that should drive our actions, but their needs and development. Yes, children have a need for freedom, for creativity, for exploration, for fun and play, but they also have a need for structure, routines, safety, and consistency.

And children will always prefer order and stability over chaotic freedoms.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Today we dive into the topic of Emotional Contagion. We discuss:

what it is
why it happens
when it's more likely to occur
who is more susceptible to it

It is challenging to process negative emotions, but when it so happens that those emotions are not even ours, we may find ourselves overburdened, unable to function, and even in panic. These are the detrimental effects of emotional contagion, but they are completely preventable.

The antidote to emotional contagion is — emotional resilience.

Emotional resilience is built on self-awareness and emotional regulation. And it is supported by our emotional boundaries. I walk you through four critical points of emotional boundaries and emotional resilience, to get you thinking and strengthening your emotional world.

As part of this conversation, I talk you through an experiment and ask you to notice what happens to your face when you look at the images mentioned in this Episode:

And the image from Episode 022:

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

We want our children to feel good about themselves? Are pats on the back enough? Will praise do the work? What to do when they are down on themselves?

The tricky thing about self-esteem is that the process of developing self-esteem is mostly internal — it is based on beliefs and perceptions the child has of themselves. And a lot of that happens to go on inside their minds.

Still there is a lot you can do as a parent. Instead of looking for artificial “boosters,” we can focus on providing the environment where the child is being seen and can — therefore — see themselves in true objective light as someone who is important, valuable, and worthy.

If self-esteem is formed based on beliefs children have about themselves, then how do they come to form those beliefs?

And what can we do to ensure they see them as worthy and valuable despite set-backs and regardless of their accomplishments?

Tune into this episode to find out! Also, make sure to grab this PDF guide on Boosting Self-Esteem. In it, you will find a set of questions to help you assess whether your child seems to have low self esteem. There is also set of prompts and suggestions of actions to take for better and stronger self-esteem in your child.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Living free of parenting guilt does not make you irresponsible. Quite the opposite — it makes you responsible for the right things.

You already carry a lot as a parent, so why torment yourself on top of it with guilt? The consequences of parenting that is driven by guilt are pretty serious. To name a few:

❌ We are not our best selves when we carry the burden of guilt.
❌ We don’t give children what they need because we misinterpret their behavior.
❌ We are at risk for burnout.
❌ We build up resentment and are prone to anger.

I think anger, and especially suppressed anger, is a huge consequence of guilt that is often underestimated. Needless to say, we need a solution. You can let go of guilt in 4 Steps:

📌 Understand the cost of guilt
📌 Prioritize needs over vague expectations
📌 Set healthy boundaries
📌 Re-evaluate standards & focus on values

Want to learn more about emotions and how to use them to your benefit? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Parent guilt is a huge issue and parenting from that place is a huge problem. Bigger than we think. It compromises our mental health. It also gets in the way of us enjoying parenting. But did you know that carrying the burden of guilt is optional?

What if things were different...

They can be! Even though the feeling of guilt is inevitable when we first become parents, it does not need to be permanent. Instead of dwelling on guilt, which is unproductive & harmful for our mental health, we can learn to understand its nature, spot it when it appears, and instead choose to focus on things that do actually matter to us. But first, you need to:

Know the difference between Regret and Guilt.

Regret is a functional feeling. It tells you something was mis-aligned in your actions and values, and it helps you decide what to do in the future. Guilt, on the other hand, keeps you stuck in a vague sense of obligation to do something you are not inclined to do.

Unlike guilt, regret tells you that something that important and valuable to you has been neglected. It tells you how to get back on track. There will be things in our parenting we truly deep down in our heart wish we had done differently. And we can! Regretting a choice helps you see what you can do next time.

Reflecting on our mistakes and mis-steps is part of learning and becoming better in our parenting role. Regret says: Hey, we can do better here, you owe it to yourself... Guilt says:Hey, it’s expected you step up, it is your obligation no matter how you feel about it! Which voice would you rather tune into?

So, ditch the guilt and embrace regret!

Regret is concerned with your true Values, but guilt has an agenda of serving someone else’s interest. Unlike regret, guilt does not give us a clear sense of action for the future. We are trapped feeling both like we did the right thing and the wrong thing at the same time. Ugh…

To move past the heavy and oppressive feeling of Guilt, we need to be able to tell it apart from Regret. Since guilt often feels like regret, I show you how to tell the difference in this episode. Have a listen!

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Being acknowledged and validated is such a reaffirming and deeply positive experience. It is empowering and supportive. It is critical for our mental health. If you have felt this before, you know how important it is for our mental health — feeling good, accepted, and recognized.

And, it is just as significant for our children.

Not only do they get to feel this way too, but it actually goes deeper than that. Validation and acknowledgement shapes their psychological boundaries, their Sense of Self, and their Self-Esteem.

Even when we understand how important validation is, the problem we face is that we don’t quite know how to do it. Unless, once again, we have experienced it before.

Examples might be helpful, right?

I think so too, and so I made this PDF guide for you. In it, you will find many examples on how to offer acknowledgement and validation. And I also show you what the opposite of that — what a dismissive response may sound like (even when it is well intended).

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Parents generally are more likely to talk about physical boundaries with children, than they are about psychological ones. And this is understandable, because we want to teach children to be safe and know how to stay away from unwanted touch.

But it is just as important to be able to detect any kind of unwanted interactions.

Children need to be able to respond to inappropriate behavior towards them and be able to tell if they are treated with respect. Knowing what is unwanted comes from knowing what is within one's comfort zone.

Children are not born with the sense of boundaries, but they do have a natural tendency for them.

That is where the need to do things their own way comes from, as is their adamant and unyielding “no” when they first learn to say it. And the reason that this tendency is natural is because psychological boundaries protect our Sense of Self (which is what makes us human and different from other animals).

So when we are asking if the child needs psychological boundaries, it is the same as asking, whether they need a Sense of Self. Without the sense of Self, the child cannot have Self-esteem.

The child's Self-Esteem depends on boundaries.

Boundaries shape a healthy personality. But even though the tendency for boundaries is natural, children do not always know to protect one's space, be it physical or mental is natural. They need help and also need to be taught the skills of asserting boundaries and protecting them for the sake of their mental health.

The most simple way to teach boundaries is through respect.

Self-esteem is directly tied to self-respect, which has its origins in being treated with respect as a child. And being treated respectfully by others means that the child’s personal boundaries are respected, which starts at home and gets reinforced at home.

So even though self-esteem is something we cannot directly shape or influence, self-respect is in fact something we can teach and model directly by being respectful towards our children.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

When we notice our child not having confidence to do something, we begin to worry that their self-esteem is low and that we need to do something about raising it.

Is there a way to raise the child’s self-esteem? There sure is, but it is not about giving the child a compliment or showering them with praise.

Building self-esteem is a slow process that the child goes through independently.

Of course, there is something we can contribute. We can support them. But we cannot raise self-esteem on our child’s behalf. It is the inner work of the child forming their self-perception. However, our consistent approach and confidence in our children, will create an environment where they are free to be themselves and feel good about themselves.

There is a difference between our child’s assessment of themselves and our own perception of their assessment.

This is another important point to consider. And so before we get concerned about how to raise the child’s self-esteem, we need to first clarify whether there is a need for that. How accurately are we interpreting what we see our child do or not do? In today’s episode, I invite you to consider a set of questions around our children’s self-esteem and the part we play.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Do you protect your own boundaries? If yes, then you know the value of teaching the same skills and awareness to your children. For these essential lessons, it is never too late to start, but the earlier we start — the better.

Where would you even begin?

How to teach boundaries to children?

Isn’t it such an abstract concept?

It can be tricky to wrap your head around psychological boundaries — the ones that have to do with our Self, our inner world. These boundaries would have to do with the way we experience things, our emotions, thoughts, etc. But the good news is that physical boundaries are easier to identify and teach to children, and — most importantly — they are the foundation for the psychological boundaries.

That means that physical boundaries is the place to start.

And so in today’s episode, we explore examples of physical boundaries. These include more tangible things like, things, space, body, etc. We also discuss the two very important components of teaching boundaries, which are modeling boundaries and using clear language around boundaries that a child can understand.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Did you know that boundaries and having the sense of boundaries is a big deal? It is the one thing that defines a healthy personality and plays a major role in the person's Sense of Self.

Because it takes time to raise a child, we need more time to teach boundaries.

And because it takes time for children to develop their sense of self, we need to give them plenty of opportunities to experience their own boundaries within the world of others.

A person with a weak sense of self and a weak personality will have a hard time negotiating social interactions and relationships with other people. Why? Because when we have poor sense of boundaries, the lines between what others believe, feel, need, etc. get blurred with our own, which can be confusing at best and overwhelming at its worst.

Teaching boundaries early also has great benefits to you as a parent. When we teach boundaries to our children, we learn and relearn the importance of boundaries for our own ourselves as well. When parents have healthy boundaries it makes the work of parenting easier and guilt-free.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist/Parent Coach

More info: theparentingpresence.com

View Details

If you know that emotions are important, what do you do with them?

If you know that emotional regulation is a skill, what does it accomplish?

And if you know there is a way to process what you are feeling, how exactly do you do that?

This is not a test.

But it is important to know the answers to these questions, because it makes your parenting more enjoyable and has an impact on the rest of your life.

When we talk about emotional regulation, we focus on the children and their skill set. But parents also need to know how to process their own feelings, before they can help their children.

Emotions are your personal power, they are the energy behind your Parenting Presence. You access the power of your emotions through emotional regulation, which we need just as much as our children. It is all about the ability to identify unmet needs and taking care of them. It is not about "sitting with" the emotion and waiting for it to pass.

We talk about that and more, and I also invite you to the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting project.

More about the show at theparentingpresence.com

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

View Details

Guilt is a paralyzing and unproductive emotion. Carrying guilt throughout our parenting is something we are used to doing but it takes away from the positive experiences with our children. Tune into this episode to discover what drives parent guilt and how to resolve it.

Here are some take-aways from the episode:

Accept that parenting is a process. The way we parent in the 21st century is new to humanity and we keep evolving.
We know the importance of the right care for the child, but sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves to know it all.
It is OK not to be the expert. Live your own experience with the goal of honing your own parenting skills.
Reconnect with your own values. Feel the depth of those things that really matter. Focus on those to move yourself closer to fulfilling your mission.
Know your job. Your job is to nurture your child — learn as much about your child’s nature and nurture that.
The way you do that will be different from the way others do that. Every child/parent/family is different.
No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. Sometimes we need those mistakes so that we see a better way. Be patient and compassionate with yourself.
When you do need help, decide who participates in the conversation and let other voices not to matter.

Host: Julia Pappas | Psychologist & Parent Coach

theparentingpresence.com

https://juliapappas.co

View Details

You may already know from Episode 10 that to nurture the child’s emotions means to care for their emotional world. We care by accepting, supporting, and helping the child grow. Nurturing our own emotions is similar in this way, but has a set of its own challenges:

One challenge to this process is lack of acceptance of our own emotions. Often, it is easier to accept that a child — because of their development will and can have emotions, but that we shouldn’t. It is easier to accept that a child may have strong feelings and meltdowns, but that we shouldn’t have them and, because of that, we repress or deny our emotions. And this gets in the way of nurturing and attending to our emotions.
The other challenge of working with our emotions as opposed with the child's emotions —— is that over the years we have developed mechanisms to COPE with our emotions, instead of learning ways to PROCESS them. We may have found a way to deal with an emotion, wait for it to go away or to distract ourselves from it, instead of using specific tools and looking at the emotion directly. And so we don't have an understanding of what message a particular emotion holds and specifically what needs to be done about it. This approach comes with a set of strongly ingrained habits and reactions that also get in the way of nurturing our emotions and require intentional practice to reset and retrain ourselves.

We address the first challenge by understanding the value of our emotions. And we resolve the second challenge by learning specific tools of processing emotions and by developing awareness for when we default to our coping habits.

Host: Julia Pappas | Psychologist & Parent Coach

theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Someone spread this idea that since children are born colorblind, and are not likely to show prejudice, and that adults also can become colorblind in their social interactions. Hmmm...

Not only are children very color-aware, but they also do display racial prejudice as young as at two years of age. Everything depends on how they were brought up.

Since color-blindness is not really a thing when it comes to race, how do we address that with our children? What kind of work we do with them? What do we teach them and how?

This and more, in Episode 012.

View Details

It’s bewildering to witness crimes against Black lives and racial injustice in 2020. The events of the last several days are life-changing and have EVERYTHING to do with parenting. There is a lot we can and need to do. Whether you feel this way or not just yet, I want to underscore that change IS coming. We have to make space for it.

To give you a sense of my context:

I have a formal training in multiculturalism.
I work with people of color on a weekly if not daily basis.
I have Black friends who are near and dear to me.
I have White friends, who have married Black and who have biracial children.
And I have a few friends who have adopted and are raising Black children

And even within this context, I am constantly finding that I have a lot of assumptions. I have formed an impression that we as a country were doing better than we actually are. I had an assumption that there was enough power behind the antiracist movement…

That is NOT SO.

As parents, we are in the process of raising the next generation. If we want the world to change, we need to remember that we as parents are always PLANTING SEEDS. Intentionally or not, we transmit our beliefs and biases onto our children.

The environment in which we are raising our children turns those biases into “truths”, unless it is specifically designed to question and challenge them (more on that in Episode 012, next week). So if we want the world to change, this is something we have to do proactively. Not waiting for the “world” to change, but by beingTHE ONES that change it. And even taking it a step deeper — to be the ones that change it, we need to be the ones that change ourselves.

In this episode I share my thoughts on how to begin the work we need to do as parents, before we can have a meaningful impact on our children and their understanding of race. It is not enough to say “I am not racist.” To raise antiracists we need to examine our values and become antiracists ourselves.

Host: Julia Pappas | Psychologist & Parent Coach

theparentingpresence.com

View Details

Our children express a range of emotions. Sometimes we are not sure how to deal with them. Have you ever caught yourself getting angry when your child is angry, or get anxious when your child is anxious? Sometimes we may wonder who is on a roller-coaster, us or the child... Sounds familiar? When we get closer to our child's emotions and learn to be with them, we give priceless lessons to our children about their own inner world.

It is not something to run away from, to be mad at, or feel hopeless about. It is a rich environment full of information, because emotions are very telling.

Besides serving as clues to the quality of our experience, emotions have social value as well. For children, in particular, emotions is the way they communicate with us, and so dismissing the child’s emotions would be equivalent to ignoring what the child is communicating. But when we try to understand the message behind their emotions, the children are being seen and heard.

What you will learn in this episode about your child's emotions: * What does nurturing emotions mean? * How do we nurture emotions? * What happens when we nurture our child's emotions? * When do we need to nurture most?

View Details

Why Is Parenting So Hard?

No really… Why?

We may give different explanations… Some of them are part of stories we recycle among ourselves — like the one that says “it’s because kids are kids” (whatever that means) and that “dealing with kids is hard” (ok, but why?)….

These reasons may sound appealing and completely justified, but they are secondary to the true reasons, which lie much deeper.

The true reasons have to do with ourselves.

Even though this may not sound very uplifting, I promise you, that getting in touch with true reasons and knowing that all of them are in our control — is truly empowering. They may require some work, but this work is not harder than the parenting itself and is truly worth it.

This week, I only have time to review each of the four ways in which we — unknowingly — make our own parenting difficult. But in the future episodes, we will explore each one of them separately and talk about specific tools to help you work through them.

So dive into Episode 009, as we discuss how the following things make the parenting experience difficult:

- our expectations about parenting and children

- lack of confidence in ourselves

- not understanding our own emotional life

- misunderstanding the parenting role

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

View Details

What do children need most from their parents? We often hear that love is all that children need.

The words "love" and "need” are used every day, and because of that, they have come to mean many things. And yet the way we understand them is very influential in how we raise our children. So it is true that love is all our children need?

Yes, it is. Love is all they need.

And no, it isn’t. Love is not all they need.

Which answer is the right one depends on what we mean by “love.” So if we think of love as something that looks like display of affection and delight with the child (smiles, hugs, kisses, etc.) then — no, love is not all our children need.

They need more than our affection.

If we think of love as something that goes beyond what is easily visible and has to do with care and attention, then — yes, perhaps that kind of love is all that’s needed.

These two different interpretations of love towards children have significantly different developmental outcomes for them. We also have to remember that children need from us that which is in alignment of the ultimate goal:

...to raise a healthy independent adult.

How we interpret love can either lead to poor boundaries or can support the child’s development, self-regulation, and self-esteem.

View Details

How does losing at a game or getting a poor grade impact the child’s self-esteem? If they are really upset about it, what implications will that have on their future sense of self-esteem? Although these are valid and potentially unpleasant life scenarios, the answer to a healthy self-esteem is not in figuring out how to respond to each of these situations. It is what happens on a daily basis outside of these scenarios, that helps the child process life events like these when they do come up.

The role of a parent is huge when it comes to that general context of life and they play an important role in shaping a healthy self-esteem for their child. What is it and what can we do to help children process failures? Find out in this episode.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

Find out more at theparentingpresence.com

View Details

What are BOUNDARIES and what do they have to do with parenting?

In this episode we explore the last of the three Essential Elements to a solid parenting foundation - the BOUNDARIES.

Why are boundaries such an essential element to parenting? It is critical for our child's personality development and is a promise for our own well-being.

We explore the concept of BOUNDARIES from the perspective of:

a) something that defines an individual and talk about why that is important, and

b) as a process of interacting with others - including our children - as a way to maintain a healthy dynamic between what we need and what other people need.

View Details

In this episode, we will look at values from the standpoint of an internal system of beliefs and attitudes that guide our behavior in parenting. Whether we are aware of it or not, we parent from a place of beliefs and expectations, and every choice we make as parents is guided by our values.

We explore how VALUES apply to parenting in two ways. One, as our own guide and how it impacts our actions, what we decide to do, who we listen to, what we consider important, and so on. And another, as a guide we want our children to have – how we want our children to act and what we want to teach them.

View Details

The NURTURE element is one of the 3 Essential Elements of parenting, and it has many facets. The simplest way to understand it, is to consider it from the point of needs — the needs of the child on the one hand, and the needs of the parent on the other.

View Details

Part of developing a strong parenting presence and having more control over how we show up is to have a sense of inner knowing, a sense of confidence in being able to find the answers we need. This is how we can think of our parenting wisdom.

But how do we acquire that wisdom?

Do we read a ton of books? Do we Google and look things up online? And what do we do when we need answers in the moment?

The way we go about cultivating and accessing our own wisdom is through having a really good understanding of the ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS that strong parenting is based on. These elements are: Nurture, Values, and Boundaries.

View Details

Along with the concept of the parenting presence, we are be discussing a parenting framework that I call MINIMUM VIABLE PARENTING. Whereas The Parenting Presence is the "space" in which parenting takes place, Minimum Viable Parenting is what gives us the core essentials and a set of guiding principles that support our parenting work.

We can think of these two concepts in terms of a recipe metaphor: the Minimum Viable Parenting is the ingredients, and The Parenting Presence is the secret sauce. All the benefits of using the MVP framework come from combining it with the “secret sauce” of The Parenting Presence, so make sure you listen to Episode 001 as well.

In this episode we explore the MINIMUM VIABLE PARENTING framework and look at the essential parallels it has with the notion of the Minimum Viable Product from the world of business. When it comes to parenting, an MVP would represent a Minimum Viable Skill-Set you need as a parent to get moving in the right direction, no matter where you are at right now.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

For more information and to subscribe go to http://theparentingpresence.com

View Details

There is a space in our parenting world that has the most influence on what happens between us and our children.

In fact, it is the most important variable that influences the parent/child dynamic, but it is often overlooked because it is somewhat intangible.

This space is called the "parenting presence" and it remains invisible to us until we learn to be aware of it. And when we do, we are able to tap into a well of powerful resources — always available to us. That is where we find answers to parenting challenges and dilemmas.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

For more information and to subscribe go to http://theparentingpresence.com

The Parenting Presence: Recent Episodes

Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach