Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide: Recent Episodes
Jessica Higgins
The Empowered Relationship Podcast helps you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and sets you up for relationship success, satisfaction, and intimacy.
This podcast is designed to inspire, motivate, and guide individuals and couples into more empowered, conscious, and evolved ways of loving.
About this Episode
What would happen to your family or loved ones if life threw an unexpected curveball tomorrow? Would they feel protected, supported, and prepared, or left to navigate a stressful maze of financial questions and paperwork on their own?
In a world where change is the only constant, financial preparedness is an act of love that too often gets pushed aside for another day. But when the unimaginable happens, being unprepared isn’t just stressful—it can have lasting effects on your sense of security, your relationships, and your peace of mind.
In this episode, you’ll discover how to take control and approach financial planning as a tool for caring for yourself and those you love. With honest stories from personal experience, practical checklists, and expert strategies for navigating life’s transitions like widowhood, blended families, and sudden loss, you’ll learn why clarity is the best gift you can give to your family. This episode offers actionable steps for organizing vital documents, starting tough conversations, and building the kind of foundation that keeps everyone cared for—no matter what the future holds.
Donna Jean Kendrick is a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™ practitioner and founder of Sephton Financial. After losing her first husband suddenly in 2013, Donna navigated widowhood with three young children, inspiring her to support families in transition through financial planning. She is the host of the Wisdom and Wealth Podcast and author of A Guide to Widowhood, and A Guide for Blended Families.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 05:40 Navigating blended family dynamics and the process of adjustment.
13:25 How being financially organized eased the pain of loss.
14:38 The gift of clarity: Preparing financial documents for loved ones.
18:16 Facing the emotional side of financial planning in relationships.
21:57 Practical tips for document organization.
26:22 How to overcome overwhelm and take stock of your finances.
29:06 Building a financial foundation: Net worth, liabilities, and spending plans.
33:50 Finding your system: Partner roles and routines in managing finances.
36:00 Best practices for couples discussing and organizing their finances.
39:21 Joint vs. separate accounts: Customizing financial approaches for couples.
40:35 Planning for retirement and avoiding resentment.
46:07 Financial conversations for new couples and the value of prenuptial agreements.
Mentioned A Guide for Blended Families (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
A Guide to Widowhood Workbook (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Don’t Leave Your Loved Ones Without Answers (webinar link)
Annual Credit Report
Evolve in Love (program)
Connect with Donna Jean Kendrick Websites: donnajeankendrick.com
Facebook: facebook.com/DonnaJeanKendrick
YouTube: youtube.com/@donnajeankendrick
Instagram: instagram.com/donnajeankendrick
TikTok: tiktok.com/@donnajeankendrick
Podcast: open.spotify.com/show/27h7hxaS2YRb2JJz6R4K9I
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
About this Episode
When love turns toxic, it can be almost impossible to see clearly through the confusion, self-doubt, and emotional chaos that follow. If you've ever found yourself trapped in a cycle of hope, heartbreak, and uncertainty within a relationship, you’re not alone—and there’s a reason why breaking free can feel so overwhelming. The hidden dynamics of pathological partnerships and trauma bonds often keep people stuck, questioning their worth, and struggling to understand why things never seem to get better.
In this episode, listeners are offered insight and validation as the conversation unpacks the complex nature of trauma bonds and toxic relationships. You’ll discover how these destructive patterns form, what psychological traits might make someone more susceptible, and why distinguishing between harmful behaviors and truly pathological intentions is so important. With practical guidance and real-life examples, this episode shines a compassionate light on the path toward healing, empowerment, and, for those who need it most, a way out.
Affectionately known as Dr. Nae, Dr. Nadine Macaluso is a therapist specializing in trauma healing and personal transformation. Her life inspired the character Naomi Belfort in The Wolf of Wall Street. After overcoming personal challenges, she earned a Master's degree in counseling and a Ph.D. in Somatic Psychotherapy. Dr. Macaluso helps individuals recover from trauma bonds, C-PTSD, and shame. She is also the author of Run Like Hell: A Therapist's Guide to Recognizing, Escaping, and Healing From Trauma Bonds.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 06:28 Dr. Nadine Macaluso’s personal journey and the roots of her work on trauma bonds.
09:49 Defining trauma bonds and the role of intermittent reinforcement in toxic relationships.
13:35 Intent, power imbalance, and the pathological partner in trauma bonds.
16:11 Pathological intent vs. reactive behaviors and repair.
19:20 Understanding Cluster B personality disorders and their impact on relationships.
21:23 Empowering the victim over diagnosing the pathological partner.
24:11 Who is most susceptible to trauma bonds?
28:16 Questioning labels: Codependency, attachment, and rethinking victim narratives.
32:34 Attachment styles, developmental trauma, and their role in toxic relationships.
34:31 Cultural myths about love, media influence, and the hope that keeps people stuck.
37:20 Reducing shame, cognitive dissonance, and reconnecting with self.
42:47 The process of leaving: Safety, planning, and overcoming guilt.
44:30 Post-traumatic growth: Finding strength, hope, and empowerment after leaving a toxic relationship.
Mentioned Run Like Hell (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Women Who Love Psychopaths (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Big 5 Personality Quiz
Essentia’s website (*Affiliate link)
Stratami™ Organic Mattress (This is the mattress we purchased) (*Affiliate link)
Classic REM5 Active Mattress – (The mattress we wish we could have gotten for the cooling feature) (*Affiliate link)
Evolve in Love (program)
Evolve in Love – Next level – Book Your Discovery Call
Connect with Dr. Nadine Macaluso Websites: drnae.com
Facebook: facebook.com/drnaelmft
X: x.com/i/flow/login?redirect_after_login=%2Ftherealdrnadine
YouTube: youtube.com/c/TheRealDrNadine
Instagram: instagram.com/therealdrnadine
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/therealdrnadine
TikTok: tiktok.com/@drnaelmft
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
About this Episode
Are you truly alive in your relationships, or just going through the motions? In a world overflowing with distractions, many of us drift into autopilot—checking boxes, chasing benchmarks, and hoping real connection will fall into place. But without genuine presence and intention, lasting intimacy becomes elusive, leaving us depleted, disconnected, and wondering why meaningful fulfillment always seems out of reach.
In this episode, discover how the science of connection can transform the way you approach your closest bonds. Through a blend of psychological insight and practical wisdom, you’ll learn why authentic connection is at the heart of emotional well-being, how to bring mindfulness and curiosity into your daily interactions, and why appreciating yourself and those around you isn’t just nice but vital. Tune in for actionable strategies to break free from autopilot, nurture deeper intimacy, and truly feel alive while you’re living.
Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist and host of the notable podcast SuperPsyched. He recently released his book Super Psyched: Unleash the Power of the 4 Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 08:43 The essential role of connection: Defining disconnection in mental health.
11:58 Cultural distractors and the brain’s bias against authentic connection.
15:10 Making mindful choices: Savoring life’s simple moments.
17:31 Beginner’s mind in relationships: Staying curious with long-term partners.
22:18 Experiencing awe: microdosing wonder and expanding consciousness.
25:03 The power of appreciation: How gratitude fuels authentic connection.
27:21 Authenticity, integrity, and the impact on genuine presence.
33:12 The four circles of relating to self and others.
35:47 Aligning choices with your values.
37:39 Simple ways to reconnect with others.
41:26 Reclaiming joy and presence in everyday life.
Mentioned SuperPsyched: Dr. Dorsay’s Award-Winning Podcast
Super Psyched (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Super Psyched (book page)
Emotions: The Data Men Miss | Adam Dorsay | TEDxSantaClaraUniversity (YouTube link) (video)
Friendships in Adulthood: 5 Things to Know | Adam Dorsay | TEDxSanLuisObispo (YouTube link) (video)
How to Fall in Love with Questions (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Evolve in Love – Next level – Book Your Discovery Call
Evolve in Love (program)
Essentia’s website (*Affiliate link)
Stratami™ Organic Mattress (This is the mattress we purchased) (*Affiliate link)
Classic REM5 Active Mattress – (The mattress we wish we could have gotten for the cooling feature) (*Affiliate link)
Connect with Dr. Adam Dorsay Websites: dradamdorsay.com
Instagram: instagram.com/dradamdorsay
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
About this Episode
Is your relationship quietly unraveling, and you’re not sure what to do next? Facing the possibility of divorce can feel like your world has been turned upside down, leaving you trapped between fear, uncertainty, and the heartbreak of not knowing what comes next. Too often, couples get lost in a whirlwind of painful emotions, making rushed decisions that can have long-term consequences for themselves, their children, and their extended families.
In this episode, you’ll discover practical tools and compassionate insights designed to support couples sitting at the crossroads of staying together or parting ways. Learn how to recognize the early warning signs of relationship distress, approach difficult conversations with honesty and courage, and understand the deep-seated reasons why so many people struggle to speak their truths. You’ll also find guidance on how to stabilize your emotions, slow down the decision-making process, and move forward, whether by rebuilding your connection or ending things as peacefully as possible. This episode offers hope, clarity, and a path to navigate one of life’s toughest transitions with greater awareness and intention.
Dr. Becky Whetstone is a writer, author, and marriage and family therapist obsessed with relationship dynamics since she was young. She writes in an entertaining and informative way, and after many of her life experiences, she wants to change how we handle marriage, separation, divorce, and post-divorce dynamics.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 03:58 Becky’s story and why she cares about marriage crisis.
10:04 Why support is needed even when divorce is decided.
15:33 Why taking time to calm down matters.
20:19 Warning signs that a relationship is in trouble.
23:27 Hiding unhappiness can hurt a marriage.
25:24 Having hard conversations with your partner.
30:10 Why people avoid talking about problems.
32:49 Facing relationship problems like an adult.
36:20 How attachment styles affect marriage crisis.
39:29 The need for self-work and growing as a person.
42:06 How divorce affects everyone in the family.
46:58 Lessons learned from divorce.
51:01 Where to find help and resources.
Mentioned I (Think) I Want Out (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Uncoupling (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Facing Codependence (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 373: How To Embrace Ambivalence When Making Big Relationship Decisions — An Interview With Rachel Zamore
Evolve in Love (program)
Evolve in Love – Next level – Book Your Discovery Call
Essentia’s website (*Affiliate link)
Stratami™ Organic Mattress (This is the mattress we purchased) (*Affiliate link)
Classic REM5 Active Mattress – (The mattress we wish we could have gotten for the cooling feature) (*Affiliate link)
Connect with Dr. Becky Whetstone Websites: MarriageCrisisManager.com
Facebook: facebook.com/relationshipcrisismanager
X: x.com/DoctorBecky
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCTB7JNDz6Uic8Xtdt_3YMhw
Instagram: instagram.com/doctorbecky/#
TikTok: tiktok.com/@drbeckyatgoodinside?lang=en
Threads: threads.com/@doctorbecky
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
About this Episode
Do you ever feel like intimacy and sexuality come with a set of rules no one can quite explain, and yet everyone expects you to follow? So many of us find ourselves struggling to meet society’s expectations around relationships, sex, and what it means to be fulfilled, only to discover that the realities of our experiences rarely match the myths we’ve been told. From changing hormones to evolving desires and the pressure to fit into cultural norms, finding authentic connection while honoring our true selves can feel overwhelming and, at times, isolating.
In this episode, we dive deep into the complexities of redefining intimacy and sexuality beyond outdated scripts and rigid expectations. The conversation explores how our needs and desires naturally shift over time, why it’s crucial to look inward and tune into our individual truths, and how to break free from patterns and pressures that simply don’t serve us. Through lived stories, practical insights, and compassionate guidance, listeners are invited to reflect, challenge ingrained beliefs, and embrace the freedom to write their own definitions of love, connection, and well-being, whatever stage of life or relationship they’re in.
Dr. Erika Schwartz is the founder of Evolved Science in New York City, specializing in bio-identical hormone therapy for health optimization, disease prevention, and longevity. With over 30 years of experience, she advocates for a holistic approach to wellness, linking hormones with diet, sleep, and stress management. A best-selling author and expert in functional medicine, Dr. Erika frequently appears in major media and hosts the Redefining Medicine podcast. She is committed to empowering patients and transforming healthcare.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 04:43 The role of individual work in relationship dynamics.
08:06 Integrating holistic health and relationship well-being.
11:59 Challenging cultural myths about intimacy and sexuality.
15:03 Navigating life stages: hormones, relationships, and expectations.
19:48 Breaking away from conventional life paths.
21:06 Exploring sexual fluidity and honoring individual choices.
25:57 The importance of listening to your body and biology.
28:01 Complexities of tradition vs. authentic alignment.
34:59 Embracing change: Letting life and relationships evolve.
47:20 Rewriting relationship commitments and living authentically.
Mentioned The Intimacy Solution (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Hormone Solution (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Redefining Medicine (podcast)
Evolve in Love – Next level – Book Your Discovery Call
Evolve in Love (program)
Essentia’s website (*Affiliate link)
Stratami™ Organic Mattress (This is the mattress we purchased) (*Affiliate link)
Classic REM5 Active Mattress - (The mattress we wish we could have gotten for the cooling feature) (*Affiliate link)
Connect with Dr. Erika Schwartz Websites: drerika.com | eshealth.com
Facebook: facebook.com/drerika.schwartz | facebook.com/evolvedscience
X: twitter.com/drerika
YouTube: youtube.com/user/DrErika
Instagram: instagram.com/drerikaschwartz | instagram.com/eshealth
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/erika-schwartz-md-987666 | linkedin.com/company/evolved-science
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
About this Episode
Conflict in relationships isn’t just inevitable—it’s normal, healthy, and, perhaps most importantly, an opportunity. Yet, the tension between wanting deep connection and authentic acceptance, while also holding onto individuality, can feel like a tightrope walk. How do couples move beyond judgment and misunderstanding to experience radical acceptance and true intimacy, especially when old patterns, unresolved hurts, and competing needs seem to pull them apart?
In this episode, listeners are guided through the complex terrain of navigating differences in long-term relationships. With practical strategies rooted in attachment science, trauma awareness, and mindful communication, this conversation dives into how curiosity, compassion, and proactive agreements can transform even the most challenging dynamics. Expect actionable insights on building repair after conflict, balancing “me” and “we,” and creating a thriving relationship where both partners—and the partnership itself—can grow. Whether you’re in the thick of recurring arguments or simply seeking a deeper, richer connection, this episode offers real tools to help you rediscover joy, security, and growth together.
Carolyn Sharp, LICSW, is an experienced couples therapist with 25 years of expertise in attachment, neuroscience, trauma, and mindfulness. She helps couples build vibrant, secure relationships through coaching, workshops, and retreats. Carolyn’s passion and extensive training inspire her work in creating joyful, healthy connections. She is the author of FIRE IT UP: Four Secrets to Reigniting Intimacy and Joy in Your Relationship.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 06:14 How Carolyn Sharp found her calling in couples therapy.
09:25 The complexities of long-term relationships and the importance of learning healthy relationship skills.
12:16 Can couples truly grow together without losing themselves?
15:44 How curiosity becomes a secret weapon in relationships.
18:14 Navigating identity and boundaries: Individuality within relationships.
21:29 Understanding the origins of conflict: Attachment patterns and family system dynamics.
26:46 Proactive communication: The importance of planning and ‘owner’s manuals’ in relationships.
33:31 Relationship needs as a third entity: Maintaining the ‘us’ in times of stress.
35:41 Repairing relationship injuries
39:30 Recognizing and addressing unresolved hurt: Signs and solutions.
42:21 Learning how to apologize and repair: Overcoming childhood patterns and building new skills.
47:59 How tiny moments of repair lay the foundation for lasting trust.
Mentioned Fire It Up (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Evolve in Love (program)
The Big Leap (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Essentia’s website (*Affiliate link)
Stratami™ Organic Mattress (This is the mattress we purchased) (*Affiliate link)
Classic REM5 Active Mattress - (The mattress we wish we could have gotten for the cooling feature) (*Affiliate link)
Connect with Carolyn Sharp Websites: carolynsharp.com
Facebook: facebook.com/carolyn.sharp.528
Instagram: instagram.com/secureconnectionscoaching
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/carolyn-sharp-2948407
TikTok: tiktok.com/@secureconnectionscoach
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
About this Episode
Can you really have it all—an ambitious, thriving career while also nurturing a deeply satisfying romantic relationship? Or does chasing professional success mean sacrificing love and connection at home? For many high achievers, pursuing career goals brings unexpected loneliness, relationship strain, and an exhausting sense of self-abandonment. The pressure to perform at work often leaves little time or energy for building intimacy, leading countless professionals to quietly wonder: Why does succeeding at work come so much easier than succeeding at love?
In this episode, listeners are invited to reexamine this all-too-common belief that career ambition and a fulfilling love life are mutually exclusive. Through frank discussion and real stories, this conversation unpacks the hidden patterns that cause us to disconnect from ourselves and our partners, amidst the demands of professional life. By exploring psychological frameworks, practical strategies, and embodied personal growth, the episode offers actionable insights to help you move beyond self-sabotage, redefine success, and create space for both professional achievement and authentic, secure relationships.
Katarina Polonska is a Science-Backed Relationship Coach, Published Gender Dynamics Social Scientist (University of Oxford M.St), Founder of the Successfully in Love® Method, ex-Regional VP of a global Behavioral Science Firm, and Podcast Host with guests like John Gray, of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, NY Times Bestseller Marci Shimoff, and Christina Tracy Stein, daughter of world-renowned Brian Tracy.
As an accredited coach since 2007, she helps ambitious professionals become Successfully in Love®.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 08:35 How high achievers self-abandon for success.
14:42 Debunking the “either/or” myth for career and love.
19:05 Finding balance: Shifting from sacrifice to flow.
27:41 Katarina’s three pillars for relationship transformation.
36:48 Navigating growth: Solo vs. couples work.
43:47 Real-life example of creating change in marriage.
49:07 Resolving self-sabotage and expanding capacity.
Mentioned How to Go From Second-Guessing Yourself, Avoiding Hard Decisions, and Feeling Disconnected To Trusting Yourself, Knowing Exactly What You Want, and Creating Freedom, Trust, Intimacy, and Connection - In 90 Days (video)
Essentia’s website
Stratami™ Organic Mattress
Classic REM5 Active Mattress - (The mattress we wish we could have gotten for the cooling feature)
The SIL (Successfully in Love®) Podcast
The Big Leap (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Evolve in Love (program)
Connect with Katarina Polonska Websites: katarinapolonska.com
Facebook: facebook.com/katarinapolonska
Instagram: instagram.com/katarinapolonska
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/katarina-polonsky
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
About this Episode
Ever feel like you’re going through life with an invisible weight holding you back—old hurts, unspoken fears, or emotional “constipation” clogging your sense of connection with yourself and others? Many of us are conditioned to avoid our discomfort, stuff down our feelings, or simply muscle through, only to discover that real joy and closeness remain just out of reach. The struggle to feel truly seen, cared for, and emotionally vibrant isn’t just personal—it’s a modern epidemic.
In this episode, you’ll discover how to build emotional health and resilience by learning to recognize, honor, and skillfully process your feelings. Through practical analogies—like emotional “potty training”—and grounded, compassionate guidance, you’ll explore why authentic emotional connection is the missing link to deeper relationships and personal well-being. Whether you’re seeking more intimacy, healing old scars, or just want to feel more fully alive, this conversation offers real-world tools and gentle permission to let your feelings move—and gently transform your life from the inside out.
Rachel Kaplan, MA, MFT, is a licensed psychotherapist and host of the acclaimed Healing Feeling Sh*t Show podcast. Kaplan has studied yoga, meditation, and hands-on healing practices in India and Nepal, earned a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies, and trained in cutting-edge trauma modalities such as EMDR. Her “Inner Talks That Heal” TEDx talk explores the internal relationship between our loving and wounded parts.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 07:49 Rachel’s personal journey of healing.
15:42 Avoidance, dissociation, and the societal struggle to stay present.
17:46 The importance of feeling both pain and growth.
22:52 How to recognize, accept, and let go of your emotions in a healthy way, instead of suppressing or avoiding them.
24:00 How emotional constipation develops: Childhood, suppression, and the need for emotional movement.
30:18 Practical steps to reconnect with and care for hidden or neglected parts of yourself.
37:50 How unmet needs and hidden parts show up with partners.
41:49 Self-responsibility in emotional processing: Navigating attachment styles and reactions.
45:37 Vulnerability, repair, and building emotional resilience in relationships.
51:42 Further resources: Rachel’s book, podcast, and ways to continue learning.
Mentioned Author Rachel Kaplan introduces FEEL, HEAL, AND LET THAT SHT GO (YouTube video)
Feel, Heal, and Let That Sht Go (Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Power of Your Other Hand (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 346: Accessing Relatedness & The Priority Of Connection — An Interview With Gabriel Kram
ERP 423: How To Transcend Trauma (And The Effects Experience In Relationship) — An Interview With Dr. Frank Anderson
Evolve in Love (program)
Connect with Rachel Kaplan Websites: thefeelingsmovement.com
Facebook: facebook.com/HFSSwithRachelKaplan
YouTube: youtube.com/@thefeelingsmovement
Instagram: instagram.com/healingfeelingshitshow
LinkedIn: .linkedin.com/in/rachel-kaplan-ma-mft-68355436
TikTok: tiktok.com/@thefeelingsmovement
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
About this Episode
Are you feeling disconnected from your own pleasure, physically present but emotionally absent during intimate moments? For many, the path to sexual fulfillment can feel blocked by a haze of stress, routine, numbness, or the pressure to reach a specific end goal. In a world where busyness and performance often take center stage, it’s all too easy to lose touch with the authentic, embodied experiences that deepen intimacy and bring lasting joy to our relationships.
In this episode, listeners are guided through the steps to rediscover and reclaim embodied pleasure in their sexual and relational lives. The conversation dives into practical, somatic approaches that help individuals and couples slow down, tune in, and get curious about what truly makes them feel alive—moving beyond goal-oriented sex to something richer and more connected. Expert insights and real-life stories illuminate how noticing sensations, embracing vulnerability, and practicing new skills can unlock not just sexual satisfaction but a greater sense of confidence, communication, and intimacy overall.
Susan Morgan Taylor, MA, is a leading somatic sex therapist who helps couples deepen their intimacy and create lasting, fulfilling connections. With over 25 years of experience in somatic healing, she developed The Pleasure Keys Process™, a powerful approach to reigniting sexual and emotional harmony in relationships. After a personal awakening from a sexless marriage, Susan became passionate about helping others remove obstacles to pleasure, love, and orgasm. She is also the creator of the Pleasure Keys Retreats and host of the Sex Talk Café Podcast. When not working, she enjoys hiking and singing karaoke in the mountains of Western North Carolina.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 03:49 The role of somatic awareness in sexual connection.
09:18 Unlocking the first step toward pleasure.
13:53 Susan’s personal journey from sexless marriage to full-body orgasm.
19:13 Overcoming tension and numbness to rediscover sexual sensitivity.
22:55 Redefining orgasm: Moving beyond the goal-oriented experience.
27:11 Embracing discomfort and obstacles to deepen intimacy.
35:29 Notice, name, negotiate: a framework for couples facing sexual mismatch.
37:45 Radical accountability and communication in sexual relationships.
43:09 Prioritizing pleasure: initiation, desire, and direct versus indirect routes.
47:30 How direct pleasure sensitivity impacts every area of life.
52:01 Understanding polarity, giving and receiving, and closing reflections.
Mentioned The Pleasure Keys eBook (link) (ebook)
ERP 287: How To Engage In The Art Of Giving And Receiving: Using The Wheel Of Consent – An Interview With Dr. Betty Martin
Evolve in Love (program)
Connect with Susan Taylor Websites: pathwaytopleasure.com
Facebook: facebook.com/susantaylorma
Instagram: instagram.com/susanmorgantaylor
Podcast: sextalkcafe.net
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
About this Episode
In many relationships, there's an ongoing struggle to balance personal growth with relational harmony, often leaving couples feeling stuck and disconnected. The issue at hand is not just about communication or compatibility—it's about understanding and nurturing the deeper psycho-spiritual connection that binds two individuals.
In this episode, we dive into the essential pillars that can positively transform your relationship from a psycho-spiritual perspective. We'll explore how being responsible for your own happiness sets the stage for healthier dynamics, the importance of viewing friction as an opportunity for growth, and how prioritizing your relationship can foster a secure, joyful bond. Moreover, by examining the potential for purpose both individually and as a partnership, this discussion offers tangible insights and spiritual practices to help you create a more meaningful and fulfilling connection with your partner.
Rachel Glik is a licensed professional counselor with 30+ years as a couples and individual therapist in private practice. Since 2014, she has been a regular feature on the Fox 2 AM show in St. Louis as a relationship and mental health expert. She is the author of A Soulful Marriage: Healing Your Relationship With Responsibility, Growth, Priority, and Purpose.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 03:40 Embracing personal growth and the role of spiritual guidance.
08:03 The four pillars framework: A path to self-relationship and personal responsibility.
12:18 Scientific meets spiritual: Harmonizing psychology and Kabbalah in relationships.
16:47 Unlocking personal power through vulnerability and self-awareness.
20:05 Exploring purpose and positive impact as a couple.
27:55 Spiritual practices and the journey towards Kabbalah.
30:39 Balancing personal growth with relational dynamics.
32:55 Creating a relational sanctuary: The art of sacred connection.
37:20 Transition from romance to synergy in long-term relationships.
39:21 Navigating threats and traumas by trust in relationships.
42:28 Destined growth and mutual support in spiritual partnerships.
Mentioned A Soulful Marriage (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Evolve in Love (program)
Connect with Dr. Rachel Glik Websites: drrachelglik.com
Facebook: facebook.com/rachel.glik.7
X: x.com/rachelglik
Instagram: instagram.com/drrachelglik
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
About this Episode
Pelvic floor health is a topic that's often shrouded in mystery and silence, yet it is fundamentally linked to our overall well-being, affecting everything from incontinence to intimacy. Many individuals, particularly those with female bodies, face the challenges of pelvic floor dysfunction post-pregnancy, during menopause, or even as athletes, without realizing that it is common but not normal and certainly not something they have to live with. Ignoring pelvic floor care can lead not only to physical discomfort but also strain in relationships due to issues like pain during intimacy or a lack of awareness surrounding one's own body needs.
In this episode, we delve deep into the world of pelvic floor rehabilitation and prevention therapy to uncover the importance of addressing these issues head-on. Through holistic approaches, including exercises, education, and community support, listeners will learn about the often-overlooked muscles that play an important role in our bodily functions and intimate relationships. By shedding light on the resources and techniques available, listeners are encouraged to break the stigma, embrace their journey to healing, and ultimately improve their quality of life and connections with others.
Patricia Siegel is a German native and Sports Scientist specializing in pelvic floor rehabilitation and prevention therapy. A former semi-professional track athlete, she is now the STRONG Fitness expert columnist regarding pelvic floor health.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 04:32 Understanding postpartum health: Pain, support, and recovery.
10:16 Hormone therapy alternatives during menopause.
11:45 Inspiring personal stories of fitness and overcoming challenges.
15:52 The benefits of regular exercise and fitness recommendations.
19:03 The role of breathing techniques in pelvic floor health.
20:27 Athletic performance and pelvic floor strength.
23:54 Navigating postpartum intimacy and emotional health.
29:12 Breaking the silence: Educating women on pelvic health.
32:56 Addressing trauma’s impact on pelvic floor health.
36:37 Communication’s role in postpartum relationships.
38:09 Developing a holistic program for pelvic health.
42:15 Promoting awareness and education on pelvic health issues.
46:52 Practical tips for maintaining pelvic floor health.
Mentioned Squatty Potty
ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love
The McKibbin Brothers (YouTube Channel)
ERP 071: How To Use Sexual Energy To Improve Your Health & Relationship – With Sarina Stone
A Beginner’s Guide to Mula Bandha (Root Lock)
ERP 459: How To Support Sexual Desire In Relationship – An Interview with Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus
Evolve in Love (program)
Connect with Patricia Siegel Websites: thefitpelvicfloor.com
Instagram: instagram.com/thefitpelvicfloor
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
About this Episode
One common struggle many face in a relationship is the challenge of getting off the emotional roller coaster. The highs and lows, misunderstandings, and unresolved conflicts can create a cycle of emotional upheaval, leaving partners feeling disconnected and frustrated. But what if we could find a way to smooth the ride and create deeper intimacy? If you've ever felt caught in a whirlwind of emotions in your relationships, you're not alone, and there are ways to navigate this complex terrain.
In this episode, we delve into strategies and insights aimed at helping listeners break free from these patterns. With expert guidance, the discussion illuminates ways couples can enhance their emotional intelligence, communication skills, and conflict resolution abilities. By exploring both the individual and relational aspects of these dynamics, the conversation provides tools for transforming the way partners interact with each other. This episode offers a chance to learn how to nurture a relationship's foundation while navigating life's inevitable challenges, ultimately creating a more harmonious and enduring partnership.
Susan Thau, Ph. D., Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist, psychoanalyst, wife, mother and grandmother treats individuals, couples and families, working intensively with emotional states. Along with Sondra Goldstein, Susan studied in a consultation group with Alan Schore, becoming interested in attachment and affect regulation. Dr Thau began as a parent educator, later Kaiser Permanente, and eventually private practice in Los Angeles where she specializes in Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Sondra is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice for many years in Los Angeles. She is a former Clinical Associate Professor, UCLA Department of Psychology. Past study with Allan Shore, PhD, enhances her understanding of neuro-psychobiology in the processing of emotion in couples. Her study of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps in understanding emotional dynamics in couples therapy. Sondra is also a wife of 53 years, a mother, and a grandmother.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 03:56 Understanding the framework of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
09:39 Meeting the authors: a journey of professional collaboration.
10:51 The power of vulnerability and emotional connection.
15:36 Coregulation and the impact of presence in therapy.
18:09 Navigating emotional triggers and attachment styles.
21:44 Challenges of vulnerability and the role of the therapist.
25:54 The importance of repair and building resilience.
28:30 Acknowledging individual differences in processing.
31:45 Demystifying therapy: The role of the therapist as a stranger attractor.
34:12 Developing a secure base: The journey of earned security.
39:20 Processing stress: Sensitive emotional and aggressive responses.
41:15 Dealing with differences and building a strong relationship foundation.
46:10 The role of curiosity and connection.
49:16 Resources and guidance for relationship growth.
Mentioned Living Love That Lasts (Youtube) (video)
The Roller Coaster of Emotion in Couples Therapy (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Evolve in Love (program)
Connect with Drs. Susan Thau & Sondra Goldstein Websites: susanthauphd.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
About this Episode
Struggling to find deep, lasting connection in your relationship? You're not alone. Many couples experience cycles of miscommunication and emotional distance, leading to frustration and loneliness. But what if these challenges could become stepping stones to greater intimacy and understanding? Unlock the potential for a more fulfilling partnership by exploring new dynamics that foster empathy, understanding, and emotional intelligence.
In this episode, we dive into the intricacies of intimate relating, exploring how individuals can develop new dynamics to nurture a lasting, caring relationship. You'll gain insights into recognizing and addressing underlying patterns and cycles that may be keeping you and your partner in a state of continuous conflict. With practical advice and expert guidance, this episode offers actionable steps to help you create a secure and supportive bond where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued. Join us as we explore the art of balancing individual growth with relational strength, paving the way for deeper connection and fulfillment.
Dr. Mark Gregory Karris is a licensed marriage and family therapist in full-time private practice in San Diego, California. He specializes in couples therapy, religious trauma, and men’s issues. He is a husband, father, and recording artist. Mark is also the author of the best-selling books Religious Refugees: (De)Constructing Toward Spiritual and Emotional Healing and Beyond Fairy Tales: A Couple's Guide to Finding Clarity, Doing the Work, and Building a Lasting Relationship.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 04:46 Exploring the intersections of couples therapy and religious trauma.
10:40 Understanding the role of attachment styles in relationships.
14:07 Navigating the challenges of relationship cycles.
17:47 Differentiation and personal growth in partnerships.
20:51 The power of vulnerability in bridging connection.
23:06 Creating a safe space for open communication.
26:14 Embracing acceptance and grieving expectations.
31:19 Acknowledging community's role in relational support.
33:09 Balancing independence while fostering connection.
38:46 The importance of reflective empathy.
40:30 Caring for partner's unique needs and priorities.
43:23 Fostering intentional partnership practices.
46:30 Resources and insights for cultivating lasting relationships.
Mentioned Beyond Fairy Tales (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Free Chapter from Beyond Fairy Tales (pdf)
Finding Wholeness for an Integral Age
They're Not Gaslighting You (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Let Them Theory (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Transformative Couples Therapy®
ERP 423: How To Transcend Trauma (And The Effects Experience In Relationship) — An Interview With Dr. Frank Anderson
ERP 372: How To Work Together In Relationship For A Strong, Secure Connection — An Interview With Dr. Stan Tatkin
ERP 323: One Of The Most Important Relationship Skills – Being Relational — An Interview With Terry Real
ERP 089: How to Use Love Languages to Strengthen Connection
RP 281: How To Use The 6th Love Language In Your Relationship
ERP 282: How To Use The 6th Love Language In Your Relationship – Part 2
Evolve in Love (program)
Connect Dr. Mark Gregory Karris Website: markgregorykarris.com
YouTube: youtube.com/@Dr.MarkKarris
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
About this Episode
Every relationship experiences moments of disconnection. These instances, often referred to as ruptures, can feel alarming, especially when they seem to happen all too frequently. But what if conflict wasn't something to dread but rather an opportunity for growth and deeper connection? The problem many face is not the rupture itself but the lack of repair. Learning how to artfully navigate these reparative processes can transform conflicts from mounting resentment to meaningful growth. Are you ready to redefine how you view and handle conflicts in your relationships?
In this episode, we delve into the heart of using a trauma-informed approach to repair relationships. Through a blend of therapeutic insights and practical techniques, the conversation sheds light on the dynamics of conflict and the importance of repair to foster genuine connection and intimacy. By tapping into our own inner resources and acknowledging our shared vulnerabilities, listeners can learn to transform challenges into powerful moments of healing, growth, and reconnection.
Esin Pinarli is a holistic psychotherapist and relationship expert specializing in IMAGO therapy, brainspotting, Internal Family Systems (IFS), somatic practices, and psychodrama. Through an integrative experiential approach, she helps individuals and couples suffering from anxiety, depression, addiction, codependency, trauma, and relational attachment issues to navigate life's challenges so they can become fully alive, supported, and whole.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 07:16 Understanding rupture and repair in relationships.
10:11 The role of conflict and repair in intimate connections.
13:38 Navigating disconnection using a trauma-informed approach.
17:06 Recognizing trauma response patterns in relationships.
23:28 Importance of reflecting and regulating responses.
25:43 Mirroring and attuning as steps in the repair process.
30:54 Nurturing vulnerability for deeper intimacy.
34:27 Cultivating empathy and understanding within partnerships.
35:24 Collaboration and accountability in healing relationship dynamics.
39:20 Handling simultaneous activation in partner dynamics.
42:47 Techniques for achieving regulation and calm.
45:56 Exploring creative solutions in conflict resolution.
Mentioned Huberman Lab
ERP 276: Understanding The Need For Both Self-Regulation And Co-Regulation In Relationship – An interview With Deb Dana
Evolve in Love (program)
Connect with Esin Pinarli Websites: eternalwellnesscounseling.com
Instagram: instagram.com/esinpinarli_lcsw
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
About this Episode
Are you finding it difficult to maintain a fulfilling and harmonious relationship amidst the daily hustle and bustle of life? It's a common struggle that many people face: balancing personal growth with the demands of nurturing long-term intimacy. How do we rise above the noise and negativity that often cloud our interactions, both with others and within ourselves?
In this episode, we delve into transformative strategies for enhancing your life's happiest moments and boosting the quality of your relationships using a Heliotropic Approach. This insightful conversation explores the power of being a more uplifting force—focusing on kindness, gratitude, and generating positivity. Stay tuned as Dr. Harry Cohen and Dr. Jessica Higgins break down simple yet profound practices to help you navigate challenges and transform them into opportunities for deepening intimacy and personal development. Join in as the conversation strives to create more positive, energizing connections in life and relationships.
Dr. Harry Cohen, Ph.D. Psychologist, Executive Coach, Restauranter and Author of Be The Sun, Not The Salt, a short, straightforward yet profound guide for being your best self, uplifting others, and behaving in a manner that draws others toward you and makes you happier and more effective.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 06:16 Introducing Dr. Harry Cohen and his multidisciplinary background.
07:45 The heliotropic effect and embracing kindness.
12:46 Being present and heart-centered in interactions.
15:18 The power of words and self-reflection.
19:23 Feeding the right wolf: the power of choice.
21:40 Creating positive narratives in everyday life.
25:35 The impact of positivity on our relationships and environment.
26:44 Navigating negativity bias and fostering positivity.
31:48 The significance of gratitude and presence in practice.
34:54 Responding to crisis with grace and equanimity.
39:46 Lighting up relationships: deep listening and positive interactions.
44:57 The importance of acknowledgment in relationships.
46:06 Practical advice: apologizing and remembering who you are.
Mentioned Be the Sun, Not the Salt (*Amazon Affiliate link) (audio book)
Breńe Brown
Ethan Kross
ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin
ERP 089: How to use Love Languages to strengthen connection
Evolve in Love (program)
Connect with Dr. Harry Cohen Websites: bethesunnotthesalt.com
Instagram: instagram.com/bethesunnotthesalt
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/be-the-sun-not-the-salt/id1713906591
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
About this Episode
Is communication the roadblock in your intimate relationships? Misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and emotional escalations can often make navigating partnerships seem like a daunting task. The challenge lies in the fact that our lives are intertwined with others who have their own unique experiences and perspectives. What if embracing life's uncertainties and the practice of presence could transform these relational dynamics into something more harmonious and fulfilling?
In this episode, we explore the art of deep listening and presence as powerful tools to enhance your relationship dynamics. Through enriching conversations, we'll delve into practices that can help you reconnect not only with yourself but also with your significant other. You will gain insights into how embracing vulnerability, understanding emotional activations, and learning to listen deeply can open the door to more profound connections. Whether you're aiming to resolve conflict or simply want to deepen intimacy, this episode offers the guidance needed to transform challenges into opportunities for growth and connection.
Dr. Shahrzad Jalali, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist with expertise in trauma resolution, psychoanalysis, and relational dynamics. She guides clients in transforming emotional challenges into growth opportunities using a holistic approach that combines psychological, existential, and body-based techniques. Grounded in Jungian psychology, Dr. Jalali emphasizes cognitive restructuring and somatic healing to address trauma at its roots. Her upcoming 2025 book explores these themes, providing readers with practical insights into self-empowerment and resilience.
Dr. Shahrzad Jalali identifies as Iranian-American, with a cultural background that blends Persian heritage with American influences. Her work integrates multicultural perspectives, enriching her therapeutic approach and fostering a deep understanding of diverse cultural experiences.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 05:44 How misunderstandings and emotional clashes in relationships often stem from individual differences in coping with life's challenges.
08:53 The importance of metacognition and shifting perspectives to help navigate difficulties and develop partnership resilience.
14:11 The cultural differences in emotional expression and the unrealistic societal expectation of constant happiness.
19:11 The art of truly listening to oneself and others as a crucial step toward emotional understanding and connection.
23:32 The illusory nature of control and how embracing vulnerability and curiosity can lead to deeper connections and personal growth.
32:32 The cultural and personal barriers that impede meaningful dialogue and how societal pressures influence our interactions.
36:10 Incorporating practices of emotional and psychological hygiene to navigate the complexities of daily life more effectively.
42:55 Recognizing and evaluating the personal and societal beliefs that shape our behavior and emotional responses.
44:22 Tools and approaches are discussed for identifying and reframing insecurities and fears to foster healthier relationships.
Mentioned From Pain to Purpose (book) (*soon to be published)
Evolve in Love (program)
Connect with Dr. Shahrzad Jalali Websites: drjalaliandassociates.com
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/shahrzad-jalali-psyd-2b547320
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
About this Episode
Ever feel like your romantic relationship is a swirling mystery of emotions, expectations, and challenges? At the heart of every partnership lies the quest for acceptance—a profound sense of being valued and understood, just as you are. Yet, the path to achieving this in our closest relationships can often feel fraught with misunderstandings and unmet needs. How can we navigate these turbulent waters to foster deeper connection and a lasting bond?
In this episode, our experts delve into the transformative power of acceptance and its pivotal role in strengthening intimate relationships. With insights drawn from decades of experience in counseling and relationship coaching, this conversation explores how to break free from entrenched patterns and embrace acceptance as a cornerstone for emotional intimacy. Listeners will come away with practical strategies to rekindle their relationship's safety and vulnerability, ultimately leading to a more profound and enduring love.
Jon is the founder of Growing Love Network, a nonprofit dedicated to revolutionizing relationships for lifelong love. He has conducted more than 170 marriage intensives for struggling couples, and couples in crisis. He has worked directly with thousands of couples and individuals through counseling and therapy and trained hundreds to facilitate effective marriage courses. He has been married to his wife, Joanna, since 1985. They have 3 grown children and 6 grandchildren.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Episode Highlights 05:25 Acceptance and power: Roots of relationship dynamics
07:26 Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
12:54 Building a foundation of acceptance in relationships.
14:14 The shallow end vs deep end dynamics in relationships.
17:45 Establishing safety in partnerships: Shallow-end conversations
21:47 Creating structured conversations for safety and acceptance.
24:38 The role of quality time and affirmations in building acceptance.
28:09 Effective listening: a key to acceptance.
32:27 Prioritizing goodwill and understanding in relationships.
34:48 The power of positive focus: Shifting perspectives in relationships.
40:10 Navigating conflicting perspectives: The cul-de-sac analogy.
44:08 Inching back to vulnerability: Steps from shallow to deep end.
47:45 The importance of day-to-day intimacy and acceptance.
49:06 Insight into couple intensives: Accelerated progress in relationship therapy.
Mentioned The Acceptance: What Brings And Keeps Lifelong Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Evolve in Love (program)
Connect with Jon Anderson Websites: GrowingLoveNetwork.org
Facebook: facebook.com/jonrandersonmarriagespecialist
Instagram: instagram.com/jonrobertanderson
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Conflict is an inevitable aspect of any relationship, but how we handle it can make all the difference in the world. Whether you're finding that your disagreements escalate quickly or that issues get swept under the rug and resurface later, understanding your and your partner's conflict style can be a game-changer. How do you transform these clashes into opportunities for growth and deeper connection? The key lies in recognizing the patterns and learning the skills to navigate through them effectively.
In this episode, we dive deep into the dynamics of different conflict styles—volatile, validating, and avoidant—and offer insights into how these patterns play out in relationships. You'll discover the importance of understanding not just your style but also your partner's, and how mismatched styles can be addressed for better harmony. With practical guidance and real-world examples, this discussion aims to equip you with the tools to foster a more resilient and connected relationship, even in the face of disagreements. Tune in to explore how you can create a new positive dynamic in your relationship by embracing and working with your unique conflict styles.
Dr. Don Cole is the Clinical Director of The Gottman Institute and a licensed mental health counselor in the state of Washington. Along with his wife, Dr. Carrie Cole, he founded The Center for Relationship Wellness. With over 30 years of experience, he has worked with individuals and couples in various areas, including marital therapy, affair recovery, depression, anxiety, trauma recovery, parenting, and personality disorders.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 05:55 The three conflict styles: volatile, validating, and avoidant.
14:38 Conflicts arise in mismatched styles: the validator vs. the avoidant.
17:17 Understanding conflict styles: it's not about maturity or emotional intelligence.
19:34 Examining the volatile style: comfort with high energy and emotions.
26:06 The validator style: problem-solving and seeking understanding.
33:56 Managing conflict with avoidant partners: strategies for understanding.
35:37 Using the Gottman Rapoport style for effective communication.
43:46 Tools and resources: books, workshops, and psychoeducational materials.
45:56 Normalizing conflict: learning to accept and grow through differences.
Mentioned Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Evolve in Love (program)
Connect with Dr. Don Cole Websites: centerforrelationshipwellness.com
Facebook: facebook.com/TheCenterForRelationshipWellness
X: x.com/i/flow/login?redirect_after_login=%2FCtrRelWellness
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCmdTIdlzy6gAz1j7f4ggk_A
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/company/center-for-relationship-wellness
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
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Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Why do some relationships fizzle out while others seem to stand the test of time? We've all heard about the honeymoon phase—those butterflies in the belly, the excitement, and the dopamine rush—but what happens when that stage inevitably wanes? Relationships often hit a crossroads where familiarity sets in, and the novelty fades, posing a significant challenge for couples striving to maintain passion and deep connection. How can we make love last when our biology seems to be working against us?
In this episode, we delve into the profound insights shared by a renowned biologist who explores the complexities of love from a biological standpoint. From understanding the chemicals that drive our attraction and attachment phases to practical strategies for reigniting excitement and intimacy, this conversation offers invaluable advice. Learn how to navigate the intricacies of your own love life by leveraging scientific knowledge to foster long-lasting, healthy relationships. Whether you're in a new relationship or have been with your partner for years, these insights can help you strengthen your bond and keep the spark alive.
Dr. Liat Yakir is a distinguished biologist, writer, and lecturer specializing in the biology of emotions and human behavior. She advises organizations on neuro-management (also known as neuro-leadership), leveraging cutting-edge insights from brain research to cultivate exceptional leadership skills and practices.
Dr. Yakir earned her Ph.D. and completed postdoctoral studies in molecular genetics. She also holds a master’s degree in hormone research. With years of experience in science education and communication, she has made significant contributions at the Davidson Institute for Science Education, the educational arm of the Weizmann Institute
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 06:40 Understand love through a biological lens.
09:00 The three stages of love.
13:03 Attachment styles and their impact on relationships.
19:15 Why initial attractions can be misleading.
22:28 The conflict between stability and novelty in love.
30:08 The genetics of monogamy and polyamory.
32:53 Increasing dopamine levels to enhance relationships.
36:03 The role of jealousy and status in attraction.
38:11 Maintaining passion and intimacy in long-term relationships.
44:28 Overcoming sexual scripts and routine through play.
46:06 The importance of communication and appreciation in relationships.
Mentioned A Brief History of Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love
ERP 287: How To Engage In The Art Of Giving And Receiving: Using The Wheel Of Consent – An Interview With Dr. Betty Martin
Evolve in Love (link) (program)
Connect with Dr. Liat Yakir Websites: en.liatyakir.com
Facebook: facebook.com/liatyakir5976
Instagram: instagram.com/dr_liatya
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
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LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Money can be a daunting topic, especially when societal pressures and differing personal values come into play. How do we break free from these external expectations while fostering a healthy financial dynamic within our relationships? This episode delves deep into the intricate psyche of our monetary interactions, examining how they can reflect broader themes of security, belonging, and self-worth. If you've ever felt overwhelmed by the financial expectations placed upon you or worried about aligning your monetary habits with those of a partner, you're not alone.
In this episode, we explore practical strategies and thoughtful exercises to help partners cultivate a healthier relationship with money. We discuss the importance of defining wealth beyond mere numbers and how to recognize and address our individual money patterns. Through meaningful dialogues and engaging practices like the wealth mandala and satiation challenge, listeners are guided to become more conscious of their spending habits and financial goals. By the end of this episode, you'll gain a new perspective on managing money in a way that aligns with your values, fosters trust, and promotes a sense of fulfillment within your relationships.
Elizabeth Husserl is a registered investment advisor representative, financial advisor, highly sought-after speaker, and cofounder of Peak360 Wealth Management, a boutique wealth planning firm. She does nonprofit work throughout the Americas and has led workshops at major tech companies, including Airbnb, Unity, and Google. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband and daughter.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 07:19 The importance of psychological perspectives in financial advisory.
11:13 Defining wealth beyond monetary value.
18:14 Examining personal relationships with money.
28:29 Addressing trust and transparency in financial relationships.
31:16 Comparing consumer choices within community contexts.
34:16 Recognizing societal pressures and redefining success.
37:54 Building mindfulness and playfulness in financial conversations.
40:38 Exploring belonging and fulfillment without excess consumption.
49:23 Encouraging shared financial inquiry and practices for couples.
Mentioned The Power of Enough (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Smart Couples Finish Rich (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Evolve in Love (link) (program)
Connect with Elizabeth Husserl Websites: elizabethhusserl.com
Instagram: instagram.com/elizabethhusserl
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/elizabethhusserl
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Do you ever find yourself caught in repetitive patterns that hinder the growth and intimacy of your relationships? Whether it’s a recurring conflict, a deep-seated trauma, or simply the inability to stay fully present, many of us struggle to break free from the habits and thoughts that get in the way of true connection. Imagine how transformative it could be to learn the strategies and skills that foster psychological flexibility, enabling you to navigate life's complexities with grace and authenticity.
In this episode, we delve deep into the science and practice of psychological flexibility, exploring how openness, presence, and active engagement can revolutionize not just how we relate to others but how we relate to ourselves. Through expert insights and practical examples, we will uncover the smallest set of principles that do the most good in fostering a meaningful, connected life. So, get ready to learn how to align your actions with your deepest values, respond effectively to life's challenges, and unlock the full potential of your relationships.
Steven C. Hayes is a Professor Emeritus at the University of Nevada, Reno. An author of 48 books and over 700 scientific articles, he originated Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. His book Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life was the best-selling self-help book in the US, and his TEDx talks and blogs have been seen or read by 4 million people. He is among the 30 most cited psychologists in the world.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 04:53 Exploring the origin and philosophy of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
16:07 Integrating science and spirituality within ACT.
17:06 Understanding the nature of learning and vulnerability.
21:42 The role of humility in relationships and life.
23:38 Using psychological flexibility to navigate intimacy.
28:55 Embracing a beginner's mind in everyday life.
30:05 Active engagement and personal responsibility in values-driven actions.
36:22 The importance of validation and accountability in relationships.
37:45 Aligning values with actions for intentional living.
41:34 Breaking down the components of psychological flexibility.
45:28 Tuning into life’s demands through psychological flexibility.
48:19 Continuous learning and personal growth: available resources.
Mentioned Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
A Liberated Mind: How to Pivot Toward What Matters (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Doing What Matters in Times of Stress (*World Health Organization link)
Evolve in Love (link) (program)
Connect with Dr. Steven Hayes Websites: stevenchayes.com
Facebook: facebook.com/drstevenchayes
X: x.com/stevenchayes
YouTube: youtube.com/@StevenCHayes-yo7di
Instagram: instagram.com/drstevenchayes
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/company/stevenchayes
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Significant life changes, such as perimenopause and menopause, can often be overwhelming. These phases can bring insecurities, misunderstandings, and health challenges that strain relationships. The emotional toll of these changes can be especially difficult when open dialogue and sound advice are scarce. So, how can we foster understanding and support within our relationships during these transformative years?
In this episode, we dive deep into the intricacies of how hormonal changes impact both relationships and individual well-being. We explore the crucial role of exchanging masculine and feminine energies, the importance of proactive medical dialogues, and the benefits of clear communication. Using analogies like the Argentine tango, we highlight the need for both flexibility and defined roles in relationships. Practical advice on hormone therapy and maintaining vaginal health provides actionable steps. Additionally, listeners will discover valuable resources and programs designed to celebrate the wisdom and opportunities that come with aging.
By addressing these topics, this episode aims to empower listeners to navigate midlife changes with confidence and resilience.
Dr. Liz Lyster is an OB/GYN medical doctor, best-selling author and speaker, and an expert in perimenopause and menopause. In her private practice in the San Francisco Bay area, she helps women and men in midlife and beyond lose weight, have more energy, increase their motivation and drive, and generally feel great. She graduated from Cornell University, went to medical school at UC Irvine, and got her Masters degree at UCLA in Community Health Education.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 03:46 The Importance of education and communication in navigating menopause.
09:47 The balance of masculine and feminine energies in relationships.
14:24 Dr. Lyster emphasizes the need for women to proactively engage in medical discussions, advising preparation, and persistence in addressing sensitive health topics.
18:24 Launching the Miracle of Menopause online community.
22:59 Understanding testosterone’s role in stress and productivity.
35:39 Addressing discomfort during sex with proper estrogen treatment and the importance of openness with partners to enhance intimacy and support.
38:34 How modern environmental stressors and nutrient issues are influencing the onset and experience of menopausal symptoms in women.
41:37 The debate on hormone therapy and bioidentical hormones.
46:09 How hormonal imbalances can affect emotional intimacy and communication within relationships, and the role of different hormones in maintaining well-being.
49:47 Societal perceptions, hormonal symphonies, and aging.
Mentioned Go For Great!: Dr. Liz's Guide to Thrive at Every Age (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Go For Great (link) (e-book)
Dr. Liz's Easy Guide to Menopause (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Evolve in Love (link) (program)
Connect with Dr. Liz Lyster Websites: https://drlizmd.com
Facebook: facebook.com/DrLizLyster
YouTube: youtube.com/user/thedrlizlyster
Instagram: instagram.com/drlizlyster
LinkedIn: instagram.com/drlizlyster
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Are you feeling disconnected in your relationship, particularly in the realm of sexual desire? Many couples struggle with mismatches in sexual needs and desire levels, leading to feelings of frustration, guilt, and even rejection. This disconnection can strain relationships, making intimacy seem like an elusive goal instead of a fulfilling part of life. But what if there were ways to bridge that gap and reignite the flame, regardless of societal pressures and personal insecurities?
In this episode, we delve deep into the complexities of sexual desire within relationships. We explore the psychological, physiological, and emotional factors contributing to low desire and how cultural expectations shape our intimate lives. We offer practical advice on communicating about sexual mismatches, utilizing mindfulness to enhance connection and the importance of understanding different desire patterns. Whether you're dealing with the impacts of medication, past trauma, or shifting dynamics over time, this conversation provides insights and tools to create a more passionate and connected relationship.
Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D. is a Sexologist, Sociologist, Relationship Coach, Author, and International Speaker. A radical force for self-expression, Dr. Jenn has spent the last 20+ years tearing down social stigmas and shame around sexual expression. A celebrated author, Dr. Jenn is the writer of From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinventing Sex for Women, a self-help guide designed to liberate women and help them reclaim passion and pleasure both in and out of the bedroom.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 05:59 Exploring the complexities of low sexual desire.
14:11 Mismatched desires: Cultivating intention and understanding.
21:12 Mindfulness and sexual desire: Enhancing presence in intimacy.
24:17 Navigating body image concerns and their impact on desire.
27:21 Challenging outdated sexual norms for greater fulfillment.
31:23 The power of flexibility and creativity in sexual experiences.
35:48 Sustaining Long-term relationships through adaptation.
37:38 Using erotic stories and technology to enhance arousal.
41:44 Embracing new erotic concepts and understanding desires.
46:16 Prioritizing communication and vulnerability in relationships.
51:06 The crucial role of mindfulness and dialogue in sexual health.
Mentioned 15 Best Audio Erotica Apps and Spicy Stories for Pleasure (link)
From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinventing Sex for Women (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Podcast - Sex Talk with Clint & the Doc
Female sexual shame hurts us all | Jennifer Gunsaullus | TEDxPhoenixville (*YouTube link) (video)
ERP 334: How to Practice Mindful Intimacy — An Interview With Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus
ERP 362: Understanding & Increasing Sexual Desire — An Interview with Dr. Lori Brotto
ERP 444: A Major Block To Sexual Desire and Sexual Intimacy In Long-Term Relationship — An Interview With Irene Fehr
ERP 287: How To Engage In The Art Of Giving And Receiving: Using The Wheel Of Consent – An Interview With Dr. Betty Martin
ERP 314: How To Work Through The Complexities Of Sexual Desire In Relationship — An Interview Martha Kauppi
ERP 211: How To Get Rid of Shame to Increase Pleasure In The Bedroom – an Interview with Ian Ferguson
Evolve in Love (link) (program)
Connect with Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus Websites: drjennsden.com
Facebook: facebook.com/jennifer.gunsaullus
X: x.com/DrJennsDen
YouTube: youtube.com/user/drjennsden
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjennsden
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Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
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Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Breakups—few life events are as universally painful and disorienting. They can make even the strongest among us feel powerless, consumed by obsessive thoughts and emotions. When relationships feel addictive, their end can trigger a withdrawal-like experience, leaving us caught in a whirlwind of grief and longing. But how do we distinguish between healthy attachments and these addictive patterns? How can we navigate the heartache while reclaiming our sense of self and stability?
In this episode, we delve deep into the intricacies of love addiction and breakups, offering listeners tangible strategies to handle these challenges. Through enlightening conversations, we discuss how to recognize and manage obsessive post-breakup thoughts, differentiate between healthy and addictive relationship tendencies, and understand the underlying psychological mechanisms at play. By equipping listeners with cognitive and behavioral tools, the episode aims to provide a roadmap for moving forward, emphasizing personal growth and self-awareness as key components of healing.
Cortney is a Board-Certified Clinical Psychologist. She received her Ph.D. in Psychology from Texas A&M University in 2006 after completing her internship at McLean Hospital/Harvard Medical School.
Cortney is an expert in eating pathology, addictions, self-deception, and cultural diversity in Psychology.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 07:52 Identifying love addiction symptoms and who it affects.
10:50 The process of breaking free from addictive relationships.
14:40 Differentiating between healthy attachment and love addiction.
17:21 The reality of relationship phases and their emotional impact.
20:28 How breakups can trigger obsessive focus on ex-partners.
24:52 Recognizing love addiction in high-functioning individuals.
28:37 How early childhood influences love addiction patterns.
33:07 Dr. Warren’s personal journey toward relationship health.
35:26 How therapy and self-awareness help overcome relationship dysfunctions.
40:45 The concept of love as a necessary human experience.
43:57 Strategies for managing emotional distress post-breakup.
47:09 The role of cognitive-behavioral interventions in handling breakup symptoms.
Mentioned Letting Go of Your Ex (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
TEDx Talk Honest Liars: The Psychology of Self-Deception (*Youtube) (video)
Evolve in Love (*Dr. Jessica Higgins program) (link)
Connect with Dr. Cortney Warren Websites: drcortney.com/dr-cortney-warren
Facebook: facebook.com/CortneySWarren
X: x.com/DrCortneyWarren
YouTube: youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQGXD7Ms5oR3GzsPZl3Tjl_9qj71MezHj
Instagram: instagram.com/drcortneywarren/?hl=en
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drcortney
TikTok: tiktok.com/@drcortneywarren?lang=en
Google Scholar: scholar.google.com/citations?user=Ka7bam4AAAAJ&hl=en
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
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LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Are you struggling to foster a deeper emotional connection with your partner? Relationship intimacy can be one of the most challenging yet rewarding aspects of a partnership. Many couples find themselves at a crossroads, wondering how to balance the demands of everyday life with the need for emotional and physical closeness. The pressure to maintain intimacy often leaves partners feeling disconnected and frustrated, particularly when unmet needs and unspoken expectations come into play. But what if there was a way to bridge this gap and intentionally build a relationship filled with clarity, connection, and mutual satisfaction?
In this episode, we delve into practical strategies for enhancing vulnerability and emotional intimacy within your relationship. We'll explore how learning to meet each other's needs can transform your partnership, offering insights into overcoming common challenges such as gender stereotypes and differing intimacy styles. By embracing a holistic approach to intimacy, you can cultivate deeper connections and foster a more fulfilling, proactive relationship. Whether you're looking to redefine intimacy beyond just sex or seeking ways to communicate more effectively, this episode provides valuable guidance to help you intentionally design a thriving relationship.
Pulling from their experiences personally in their 13+ years of marriage and professionally as a licensed counselor and certified coach, Angela and James Mitchell developed Love Intentionally to help couples design, implement, and sustain a conscious relationship rooted in depth and intimacy. Angela has been in the counseling field for over 20 years, working with abuse survivors, children, families, and couples. James is a transformational coach and lifelong entrepreneur, having helped hundreds of clients to live their best lives.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 08:56 Sharing the journey of opening up emotionally and strengthening connection.
12:12 The balance of emotional and physical intimacy to overcome gender stereotypes.
16:29 How a personal retreat evolved into DIY marriage retreats for intentional connection.
18:38 Exploring the importance of flexibility and openness in various forms of intimacy.
21:03 Understanding the holistic approach to intimacy, focusing on both emotional and physical closeness.
25:30 Introducing a key communication strategy called the "story in my head" technique for clearer dialogue.
27:34 The concept of creating a relationship North Star for maintaining a strategic partnership mindset.
31:39 Redefining intimacy beyond sex by exploring diverse intimacy styles.
34:08 The benefits of intentional planning by combining counseling principles with strategic life planning.
38:46 Addressing the challenges of balancing life's priorities while maintaining relationship focus.
43:57 Programs and methods for deepening intimacy.
Mentioned ERP 211: How to Get Rid of Shame to Increase Pleasure in the Bedroom – An Interview with Ian Ferguson
ERP 089: How to Use Love Languages to Strengthen Connection
ERP 090: How To Use Love Languages To Strengthen Connection – Part Two
ERP 303: How To Create Safe Conversations — An Interview With Drs. Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt
ERP 323: One Of The Most Important Relationship Skills – Being Relational — An Interview With Terry Real
Evolve in Love (*Dr. Jessica Higgins program) (link)
Connect with Angela and James Mitchell Websites: loveintentionally.com
Facebook: facebook.com/loveintentionally.co
Instagram: instagram.com/loveintentionally.co
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Have you ever felt like the internal turmoil you're battling is invisible to the rest of the world? Like no one truly understands the gravity of what you're experiencing because you appear calm and composed on the outside? The struggle to manage anxiety while maintaining healthy relationships is a complex and often misunderstood journey. The challenge lies not only in dealing with the anxiety itself but also in finding ways to communicate your needs to those around you effectively.
In this episode, we delve deep into the real-life experiences of someone who has navigated the tumultuous waters of anxiety for over seven years. It covers practical tools and resources for managing anxiety, the crucial distinction between everyday stress and anxiety disorders, and the importance of clear and compassionate communication in relationships. This discussion offers a plethora of actionable advice and relatable insights to help listeners better understand and manage their anxiety while nurturing their relationships.
Dr. Jeanne Retief is the founder of FIGGI Beauty Skincare and The Anxious Calm E-Learning platform for those seeking to peacefully coexist with their anxiety. After her panic disorder diagnosis, she left behind her career in international human rights to find balance in her new normal.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 05:29 Jeanne Retief’s seven-year journey and finding balance.
08:05 The importance of hope and living in the present.
10:51 Introduction to figgy beauty and anxious calm resources.
14:31 Differentiating everyday stress from anxiety disorders.
19:37 Using code words for emotional communication.
22:52 The hidden turmoil of anxiety.
25:01 The reality of panic attacks.
27:32 Anxiety and its misrecognition.
32:18 Struggling with stigmatization and seeking help.
34:45 Relational dynamics and open communication.
38:30 Supporting each other during anxiety.
43:28 Explaining anxiety to children.
45:26 Discovering and embracing high sensitivity.
Mentioned Evolve in Love (*Dr. Jessica Higgins program) (link)
The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You (Amazon affiliate link*) (book)
Connect with Jeanne Retief Websites: figgibeauty.com | docjeanne.com
Facebook: facebook.com/p/FIGGI-100075876828370/?paipv=0&eav=AfZJP7s4XjYP5eyIQKhkqlwpntG2pmLZtGWGUf_YVwVHncu6yHjrr1cOqWCuOxrdLAU&_rdr
Pinterest: uk.pinterest.com/figgibeauty
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/dr-jeanne-retief
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Have you ever found yourself in the heat of an argument, only to later regret words spoken in anger? Or perhaps you have felt a simmering resentment beneath the surface, unable to express it constructively.
Anger can be like a storm, sudden and tumultuous. It’s a potent emotion that, when mismanaged, can wreak havoc on even the most loving relationships. Anger is often seen as the villain, but beneath it lies a complex tapestry of emotions that, when understood, can lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
In this episode, we delve into strategies for managing anger and improving communication in relationships. You'll learn how to identify the warning signs of anger, take constructive time-outs, and engage in active listening to better understand your partner's perspective. Additionally, we explore the underlying emotions that often fuel anger and discuss how awareness and empathy can help break the cycle of conflict. By understanding and addressing these deeper feelings, you can foster a more harmonious and supportive relationship.
Alastair Duhs is an anger management expert. Over the last 30 years, he has taught over 15,000 men and women how to control their anger. He is the founder of The Complete Anger Management System, a transformative coaching program that helps people control their anger in as little as 30 days. Alastair is the host of the Anger Secrets podcast, where he shares insights and strategies for effective anger management.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 07:43 Understanding the root of anger in relationships.
11:39 Developing effective communication strategies.
13:44 Gender differences in expressing emotions.
16:55 Exploring different forms of abuse.
22:35 The impact of emotional immaturity and resentment.
27:43 Recognizing and addressing avoidance in conflicts.
33:34 Short-term strategies for managing anger.
38:51 Long-term strategies for managing anger.
40:18 The role of stress management in healthy relationships.
42:59 Seeking help and the challenges involved.
46:54 Witnessing change through group therapy sessions.
Mentioned Breaking The Anger Cycle (free training) (link)
ERP 018: How to Deal With Feelings of Anger in Relationship
ERP 450: How to Develop a Healthy Relationship with the Emotion of Anger — An Interview with Bronwyn Schweigerdt
The 31-Day Kindness Challenge (free guide) (pdf)
Connect with Alastair Duhs Websites: angersecrets.com
Podcast: angersecrets.com/podcast
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
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Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Are you truly being yourself, or are you performing roles shaped by survival mechanisms and societal expectations? This thought-provoking question invites us to pause and reflect on our authenticity, encouraging a journey toward discovering our true selves and aligning our actions with our intrinsic purpose, not just external achievements.
In this episode, we explore the journey to discovering one’s authentic self and aligning actions with that inner truth. We delve into the difference between traditional relationships, which may be rooted in outdated values, and spiritual relationships that encourage personal growth and genuine emotional expression. By emphasizing self-talk, introspection, and breaking free from past experiences, this conversation aims to guide listeners toward more fulfilled, purposeful living and deep, meaningful connections.
As a life and relationship coach since 1995, Dr. Ray Doktor has empowered over 6,000 clients to break through limiting beliefs and overcome life's challenges, significantly enhancing their confidence, self-trust, and happiness. Holding a doctorate in clinical psychology, a master's in counseling psychology, and a bachelor's in human behavior, Dr. Ray combines his extensive expertise with advanced techniques like hypnotherapy, EMDR, NLP, and ancient practices such as qigong and meditation to offer a holistic approach to mental well-being.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 08:27 Discovering authenticity: Aligning actions with true self.
12:15 The impact of survival mechanisms on personal and relational satisfaction.
18:16 Embracing spiritual relationships for sustainable personal growth.
21:01 Healing childhood patterns to enhance relationship dynamics.
23:28 Defining and nurturing a spiritual partnership.
27:47 Balancing masculine and feminine energies within relationships.
31:37 Overcoming gender role limitations in modern relationships.
34:31 Integrating spiritual beliefs into everyday life and relationships.
37:57 The importance of trust and vulnerability in fostering emotional intimacy.
41:23 Techniques for developing deeper connection and self-awareness.
44:19 Moving beyond traditional norms to achieve relational fulfillment.
47:59 Understanding one’s needs and expectations in a relationship.
50:45 Authentic relating games: Tools for self-discovery and emotional growth.
Mentioned All It Takes Is One (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
All It Takes Is One (book order page)
The Seat of the Soul (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 277: How to Cultivate More ‘Authentic Relating’ in Relationship – An Interview with Sara Ness
The 31-Day Kindness Challenge (free guide) (pdf)
Connect with Dr. Ray Doktor Websites: raydoktor.com
Facebook: facebook.com/raydoktor
YouTube: youtube.com/raydoktor
Instagram: instagram.com/drraydoktorcoaching
TikTok: tiktok.com/@raydoktor
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Navigating the tumultuous seas of grief and maintaining long-term relationships is no small feat. Whether it's dealing with the loss of a loved one, experiencing the invisible wounds of unacknowledged grief, or simply trying to find a balance between independence and partnership, many find themselves overwhelmed. How does one transition from anger to trust, from isolation to intimacy, while respecting the complexities of their emotions and relational dynamics?
In this episode, we'll explore practical strategies and heartfelt insights to help you navigate these challenging waters. Discover how personal spirituality, a scientific mindset, and philosophical wisdom can intertwine to provide guidance and support on your journey. Learn about the life reentry process, understand the concept of invisible losses, and gain valuable advice on shifting perspectives to unlock the potential for fulfilling relationships and personal growth. Through real-life experiences of overcoming profound grief and the transformative power of vulnerability, this episode offers a beacon for those seeking a path from survival to thriving in their emotional and relational lives.
Christina Rasmussen is an acclaimed grief educator and bestselling author of Second Firsts (Hay House, 2013), Where Did You Go? (Harper One, 2018), and Invisible Loss (Sounds True, 2024). In 2010, four years after her spouse passed away from Stage 4 colon cancer, she created the Life Reentry process. Christina holds a master’s degree in guidance and counseling (University of Durham). She is finishing her master of fine arts degree in painting and drawing (Academy of Art).
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 9:49 Christina’s journey from the corporate world to grief author.
14:33 The role of intuition and the universe’s support.
19:23 Navigating new relationships after loss.
27:05 How people often remain in survival mode after trauma, not recognizing the potential for a fulfilling life beyond their past hardships.
28:20 Identifying and addressing invisible losses.
37:51 The complexities of balancing financial independence and trust in new relationships.
43:42 Long-term relationship dynamics continuous growth and understanding within marriage.
48:59 The concept of invisible loss: Unseen griefs and their impact on life progress.
50:33 Hope and transformation through life reentry: Shifting perspectives and embracing future possibilities.
Mentioned Invisible Loss (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Second Firsts (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Where Did You Go? (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Life Reentry (website)
The 31-Day Kindness Challenge (free guide) (pdf)
Connect with Christina Rasmussen Websites: christinarasmussen.com
Facebook: facebook.com/Secondfirsts
X: x.com/Secondfirsts
Instagram: instagram.com/christinarasmussen7
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
As the winter season unfolds and the holidays bring their usual whirlwind of activity, it’s easy to lose sight of what truly matters. Amid the gift shopping, party planning, and packed schedules, the essence of connection and kindness often gets overshadowed. Yet, this time of year offers a unique opportunity to refocus on the deeper values that make life meaningful.
In 2017, a 5-part series titled "How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love" introduced a new take on the traditional Advent calendar, encouraging readers to practice one small act of kindness each day in December. This season, the focus returns to kindness—not just as a gift to others, but as a transformative practice for self-compassion and relationship growth.
Research shows that the key to lasting, fulfilling relationships isn’t extravagant gestures—it’s simple acts of kindness and generosity. Studies reveal that kindness, along with emotional stability, is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in relationships. What's more, giving kindness often benefits the giver even more than the receiver.
In this episode, we dive into the power of kindness and how it creates a ripple effect, spreading positivity and inspiring goodwill. We’ll explore how kindness strengthens relationships, nurtures emotional well-being, and can be cultivated like a muscle to improve our connections and our lives. Join us as we reflect on how kindness can be the greatest gift we give this holiday season—and beyond.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 06:31 Making a habit of spreading good vibes.
08:08 How kindness benefits both the giver and the receiver significantly.
14:51 Understanding emotional awareness in relationships.
19:26 The impact of gentleness and compassion in communication.
21:26 Navigating intimate dynamics with increased mindfulness.
27:21 How kindness transforms perspectives and priorities.
32:56 The science behind kindness and personal Well-being.
38:41 Kindness as a path to sustainable happiness.
41:40 Strategies for integrating kindness into daily life.
Mentioned ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love
ERP 128: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Two
ERP 129: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Three
ERP 130: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Four
ERP 131: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Five
The 31-Day Kindness Challenge (free guide) (pdf)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Emotional wounds from early relationships often cast long shadows over our adult lives, manifesting in unexpected ways. Whether it's feeling an inexplicable sense of burnout not tied to work, struggling with co-dependency, or recognizing recurring patterns of avoidance and anxiety in relationships, these issues are all too familiar but profoundly challenging. However, the road to healing and understanding these ingrained patterns doesn't have to be walked alone.
In this episode, we delve deep into how early family dynamics and childhood experiences shape our emotional and physical well-being as adults. You'll learn how unaddressed attachment issues can trigger stress responses and lead to health problems, the importance of setting boundaries, and the power of emotional attunement in fostering healthier relationships. Additionally, through real-life stories and professional insights, you'll discover strategies to overcome these deep-rooted challenges, nurture personal growth, and ultimately, build more resilient and fulfilling relationships.
Jen and Karden are seasoned mind-body practitioners who have experienced chronic pain and fatigue. Jen is an expert in the field of treating psychophysiological disorders and Karden specializes in somatic trauma therapies. Together, they co-founded the esteemed healing collective SOMIA where they have helped thousands of individuals regulate their nervous systems and heal.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:54 Exploring the impact of relational dynamics on healing and nervous system regulation.
18:54 Navigating attachment styles and emotional triggers in collaborative healing.
34:43 Embracing accountability: How self-awareness and validation promote relational healing.
43:02 The importance of setting healthy boundaries within oneself as a means of emotional regulation, particularly in the context of parenting.
49:53 How awareness with others impacts relationships and friendships.
52:49 How subtle childhood experiences can shape adult triggers and unmet needs in relationships.
58:15 The Secret Language of the Body.
Mentioned The Secret Language of the Body: Regulate Your Nervous System, Heal Your Body, Free Your Mind ***(Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Jennifer Mann and Karden Rabin Websites: somiainternational.com
Instagram: instagram.com/iamjenmann | instagram.com/kardenrabin
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
We've all been there—feeling misunderstood, hurt, or betrayed by those closest to us, which can lead to bottled-up resentment or explosive outbursts. But what if anger wasn't just a destructive force, but a powerful signal pointing us toward deeper healing and understanding? Let's dive into how embracing and channeling our anger can transform our relationships and emotional well-being.
In this episode, we explore how viewing emotional experiences as a spectrum can unlock the door to more genuine vulnerability and meaningful connections. Techniques from the attachment EFT framework will guide you in expressing your deepest feelings in constructive ways. We'll also delve into understanding anger as both a primary and secondary emotion, uncovering its roots in betrayal and rejection, and offering practical exercises to help you process and validate your emotions. By the end, you'll have tangible tools and insights to nurture healthier, more empathetic relationships, while fostering continuous personal growth.
Bronwyn Schweigerdt is a licensed psychotherapist, podcaster, and anger expert. She has a master's in counseling and another master's in nutrition.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 07:14 Understanding the spectrum of emotional experiences and their impact on relationships.
10:31 Understanding anger: Primary vs. secondary emotions.
12:49 The importance of recognizing and constructively expressing anger before it builds up to an outburst.
16:08 How to discern safe individuals from unsafe ones based on their response to feedback or emotional vulnerability.
21:48 How past betrayals and childhood experiences influence adult emotional responses.
30:42 Exploring the connections between anger, betrayal, and healing in adult relationships.
42:41 Distinguishing personal triggers from external behaviors.
45:04 Strategies for supporting a partner who is expressing anger but may not be using it as an opportunity for self-awareness or growth.
48:45 Exploring self-discovery: Insights from the podcast Angry at the Right Things.
Mentioned Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Bronwyn Schweigerdt Websites: angryattherightthings.podbean.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Ever feel like there’s a gap between your potential and your reality? Perhaps you sense there’s more to your interactions than simply going through the motions, more depth to be uncovered in your personal and professional relationships. Imagine what could be possible if you harnessed the power of resilience and brilliance—attributes that allow you to not just survive but to truly thrive in every interaction. What if you could tap into your innate creativity, intelligence, and confidence while navigating challenges with grit and perseverance? The potential for growth and transformation in your life could be limitless.
In this episode, we explore how honing relational skills can radically improve your business, life, and relationships. Discover how a blend of perseverance, creativity, and confidence can unlock new levels of personal success and organizational progress. We'll dive into the science behind emotional alignment and the critical role it plays in leadership and effectiveness. Hear compelling personal stories about mending strained relationships through emotional support and consistency. Learn practical strategies for building stronger connections and fostering environments where everyone can shine. Tune in for insights that can help you unleash your true potential and transform your interactions with others.
Simon T. Bailey is a leading expert on the topic of Brilliance. His groundbreaking research, State of Working America Report – Thriving in Resilience and Brilliance, solidifies his insights in his 11th book, Resilience@Work. Bailey left an indelible mark on 2,400-plus organizations in 54 countries and has made a remarkable impact on 120,000 professionals who’ve experienced his courses in LinkedIn Learning. He was also recognized in Success magazine’s Top 25 and leadersHum Top 200 Power List.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 07:43 What defines resilience for working Americans?
10:43 How congruence and alignment enhance leadership influence and effectiveness.
15:10 How do unresolved issues affect future relationships?
18:41 How does conscious awareness serve others?
20:48 Nurturing relationships through mindful connection.
25:48 The importance of sharing personal stories in the healing process
29:50 Learning to manage mental health through meditation, exercise, diet, and sleep (MEDS); using apps for meditation and journaling.
33:29 How prayer can shift attention from personal desires to serving others.
Mentioned Resilience @ work: How to Coach Yourself Into a Thriving Future (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Shift Your Brilliance: Harness the Power of You, Inc. (Brilliant Living) (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Resilience is a Superpower (website) (book)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Simon T. Bailey Websites: brilliantu.co | simontbailey.com
Facebook: facebook.com/BrilliantSimonT
X: twitter.com/SimonTBailey
YouTube: youtube.com/c/SimonTBaileyIntl
Instagram: instagram.com/simontbailey
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/simontbailey
TikTok: tiktok.com/@simon.t.bailey
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Navigating emotional turbulence in relationships often feels like weathering a storm without an umbrella. When emotions swell and reach a boiling point, they can cloud our judgment, leading to misunderstandings and disconnection with loved ones. But what if anger and emotional flooding could serve as gateways to deeper understanding and genuine connection rather than barriers?
In this episode, we delve into the roots and triggers of emotional flooding, offering essential tools and insights to help you manage overwhelming emotions. By exploring concepts like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS), we aim to help you identify the vulnerabilities beneath anger and develop healthy ways to process your emotions. Practical strategies for emotional regulation, curiosity, and effective communication are shared to foster healthier relational dynamics and navigate the complexities of intimacy and personal triggers.
Whether you're dealing with stressors from past experiences or facing present-day challenges in your relationships, this episode provides valuable guidance on building a more resilient and emotionally attuned partnership.
Gayane Aramyan, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Los Angeles, specializes in perinatal therapy, guiding women and couples through pregnancy, postpartum, and parenthood. She has additional training in Anger Management, EFT for Couples, Grief Processing, ACT, and IFS. Featured in Women's Health, CNBC, Forbes, The Los Angeles Times, and HuffPost, she empowers clients through life transitions and the challenges of parenthood.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 06:59 How Gayene Aramayan began her journey to helping couples understand each other’s evolving selves.
09:05 What is emotional flooding and how does it manifest in relationships?
14:51 How suppressing emotions in childhood lead to struggles with managing feelings in adulthood?
20:59 Strategies to help recognize emotional triggers and core feelings beyond anger.
25:31 How can couples handle strong emotions constructively?
30:51 How is our inner child impacting marriage?
38:57 Identifying and dissecting couples' emotional interaction cycles.
44:04 How does writing transform your thought process?
47:06 Awareness and preparation for perinatal depression and anxiety.
48:29 The importance of identifying your emotional hotspots?
Mentioned What is Internal Family Systems? (*IFS Institute website) (link)
What is EFT? (*ICEEFT website) (link)
ERP 423: How to Transcend Trauma (And the Effects Experience in Relationship) — An Interview with Dr. Frank Anderson
Identify The Cycle (free pdf document)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Gayane Aramyan Websites: therapywithgayane.com
Instagram: instagram.com/therapywithgayane
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Criticism, defensiveness, and emotional withdrawal can become major roadblocks, making the journey toward a fulfilling relationship seem almost unattainable. How do couples navigate these natural challenges and cultivate a deeper, more enduring connection?
In this episode, listeners will discover practical tools and mindful practices intended to transform criticism into connected communication. By exploring specific appreciation techniques, scheduled sharing practices, and innovative exercises like "caring and sharing" sessions, couples can nurture a safer emotional environment. With insights into balancing playfulness with constructive dialogue and creating conflict-free zones, this episode aims to equip partners with the skills needed to cultivate lasting intimacy and emotional security in their relationships.
Warren Farrell, PhD, has coached couples and psychologists worldwide in couples’ communication for the past 30 years. His popular course is "Role Mate to Soul Mate: The Art and Discipline of Love."
Dr. Farrell has been chosen by the Financial Times of London as one of the world’s top 100 thought leaders. His books are published in 19 languages, and include The New York Times bestseller Why Men Are the Way They Are, international bestseller The Myth of Male Power, and 2018's The Boy Crisis. His previous book on couples’ communication, Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say, was a selection of the Book of the Month Club.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 06:20 From gender awareness to relationship transformation: A journey of advocacy and education.
10:50 Overcoming defensive listening with caring practices.
17:45 The importance of creating a safe environment for couples to handle criticism by regulating their nervous systems.
22:41 Cultivating deep connections through specific appreciation and conflict management.
32:48 How partners can effectively respond to critical comments while prioritizing thoughtful communication.
39:23 Enhancing relationship dynamics through awareness and accountability.
45:58 The importance of play and teasing in strengthening couple dynamics.
Mentioned Role Mate to Soul Mate: The Seven Secrets to Lifelong Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Boy Crisis: Why Our Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say: Destroying Myths, Creating Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Why Men Are the Way They Are: The Male-Female Dynamic (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Myth of Male Power (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Why Men Earn More (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Warren Farell Websites: warrenfarrell.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Infidelity—it's a word that can send shockwaves through even the most stable relationships. In our tech-driven world, the boundaries and expectations surrounding loyalty and commitment seem more convoluted than ever. Without clear communication and defined agreements, even the most well-meaning partners can find themselves entangled in misunderstandings and unanticipated crises.
In this episode, we dive deep into the complexity of infidelity within contemporary relationships. We explore the importance of having candid conversations about monogamy and other expectations with your partner, guided by insights from experienced relationship experts. By examining real-life scenarios and discussing therapeutic concepts such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we aim to equip you with practical tools for handling betrayal. Additionally, we delve into the nuanced process of forgiveness, self-compassion, and the potential for growth and transformation that can arise from relationship challenges.
Dr. Bruce Chalmer is a psychologist in Vermont who has been working with couples for over thirty years. Through his teaching, consulting, and books, his ideas have helped thousands of couples and their therapists. Together with his wife Judy Alexander, Dr. Chalmer hosts the podcast “Couples Therapy in Seven Words.” His most recent book is "Betrayal and Forgiveness: How to Navigate the Turmoil and Learn to Trust Again.”
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 06:41 Dr. Bruce Chalmer’s profound exploration of forgiveness and betrayal in relationships.
10:31 How infidelity's evolving definitions complicate relationship expectations.
13:52 What forgiveness truly means: Accepting reality without condoning actions.
23:29 Three steps to forgiveness.
34:01 Struggles with emotional connection due to trauma.
40:53 How attachment system impacts security and emotional responses.
47:15 Communication issues often indicate deeper underlying conflicts.
49:16 Why only one partner can be upset simultaneously.
55:16 Why assigning good or bad is often misleading.
Mentioned Betrayal and Forgiveness (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
My Stroke of Insight (*TED Talks link) (video)
Crucible Institute by Dr. David Schnarch (website)
Intimacy & Desire by Dr. David Schnarch (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Resurrecting Sex by Dr. David Schnarch (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Passionate Marriage by Dr. David Schnarch (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 110: How to Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs in Relationship
ERP 015: Do You Have a “Unity” or “Journey” Mindset in Relationship?
ERP 423: How to Transcend Trauma (And the Effects Experience in Relationship) — An Interview with Dr. Frank Anderson
The Gottman Institute (website)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Bruce Chalmer Websites: brucechalmer.com | couplestherapyinsevenwords.com
Facebook: facebook.com/drbrucechalmer
YouTube: youtube.com/user/brucechalmer
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/bruce-chalmer-95ab70305/
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/couples-therapy-in-seven-words/id1517231158
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Anxiety can seep into our lives like an uninvited guest, disrupting our relationships, altering our moods, and even impacting our physical health. The struggle to recognize and address the roots of this pervasive issue often leaves us feeling overwhelmed and helpless. What if we could reframe our understanding of anxiety, seeing it not as a problem to be suppressed, but as a messenger of deeper, underlying issues? Could this shift in perspective transform not only our personal well-being but also our interpersonal connections?
In this episode, we dive deep into the nuances of anxiety, exploring its complex relationship with our bodies, minds, and interactions with others. We discuss practical strategies for setting personal limits to prevent burnout, share insights from groundbreaking research on anxiety and trauma, and introduce step-by-step algorithms that empower you to uncover and heal root causes. You'll discover how integrating biological and psychological knowledge can lead to a more holistic approach to mental health, paving the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Tune in to learn how you can turn your symptoms into powerful access points for healing and personal growth.
Nicole Cain, ND, MA, is a pioneer in integrative approaches for mental and emotional wellness. With a degree in clinical psychology, training in EMDR, and being licensed as a naturopathic physician in the state of Arizona, her approach to mental health is multidisciplinary: medical, psychological, and holistic.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 08:03 Can anxiety be healed or just managed?
12:34 How medications like SSRIs and Benzodiazepines can impact relationships.
21:45 How trauma triggers persistent protective responses.
25:06 High-functioning individuals often mask internal struggles.
32:17 How understanding anxiety as data can transform healing and relationships.
36:48 How emotional adaptations from trauma protect us but can also cause issues. 40:08 Identifying root causes rather than just treating symptoms.
46:20 Expert guidance for calming the nervous system and optimizing health recovery.
55:49 Reflecting growth in relationships: Navigating subjective feedback and personal reactions.
Mentioned Panic Proof: The New Holistic Solution to End Your Anxiety Forever (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
ERP 423: How to Transcend Trauma (And the Effects Experience in Relationship) — An Interview with Dr. Frank Anderson
Connect with Dr. Nicole Cain Websites: drnicolecain.com
Facebook: facebook.com/DrNicoleCain
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCe-hcFYhi5QMmXcR_kNippQ
Instagram: instagram.com/drnicolecain
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/holistic-inner-balance-natural-mental-health-podcast/id1506869161 | drnicolecain.com/podcast
Pinterest: pinterest.com/drnicolecain
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Have you ever felt that your sensitivities in a relationship are misunderstood or undervalued? Are you struggling with maintaining sexual desire in a long-term relationship, particularly amidst the chaos and demands of daily life?
Often, highly sensitive individuals find it challenging to balance their emotional and physical needs, leading to a decline in intimacy and connection over time. Understanding and addressing these unique sensitivities are essential for nurturing a fulfilling and passionate relationship.
In this episode, we delve into the intricacies of how highly sensitive people interact with intimacy and sexuality. We explore various models of sexual desire, emphasize the importance of context and emotional connection, and offer practical solutions for managing overstimulation. With insights on daily practices, de-armoring needs, and creating intentional connection time, this episode provides a holistic approach to reviving sexual desire and intimacy in long-term relationships, ultimately fostering deeper emotional bonds and mutual understanding.
Irene Fehr is a Sex & Intimacy Coach and a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner who helps couples make love & sex work in a long-term relationship and bring sex and passion into sexless ones. Weaving together somatic coaching, mindfulness, emotional communication work, and experience with the dynamics of highly sensitive women's sexual desire in a long-term relationship, Irene has developed and successfully applied her holistic "Connection Sex" framework to turn her client’s relationships around toward more passion, connection, and love.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 7:24 Irene Fehr’s personal journey and insights on highly sensitive people.
09:25 Understanding overstimulation and emotional disconnect in relationships.
13:19 Exploring the differences in sexual desire: Spontaneous vs. Responsive models and the role of high sensitivity.
23:21 How high sensitivity impacts male sexual desire and performance in relationships.
28:31 The importance of creating space for highly sensitive individuals in relationships, especially in sexual dynamics.
38:49 The importance of emotional and physical de-armoring for intimacy in Long-term relationships.
45:21 Balancing sexual desire in relationships: Overcoming expectations and building daily connection.
Mentioned Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Highly Sensitive Person Test
ERP 211: How to Get Rid of Shame to Increase Pleasure in the Bedroom – An Interview with Ian Ferguson
ERP 257: A New Paradigm for Understanding True Sexual Connection and Intimacy – An Interview with Diana Richardson
ERP 287: How to Engage in the Art of Giving and Receiving: Using the Wheel of Consent – An Interview with Dr. Betty Martin
ERP 314: How to Work Through the Complexities of Sexual Desire in Relationship — An Interview Martha Kauppi
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Irene Fehr Websites: irenefehr.com
X: twitter.com/ignitedwoman
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCR09-jgEvU89NH9CwoJ2I1Q
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/irenefehr
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Are you feeling the strain in your long-term relationships, whether it’s with a partner or a friend? As time passes, staying engaged and committed can become a challenge, especially amid the demands of daily life, aging, or the shadow of global disruptions like the COVID-19 pandemic. Maintaining vibrant, nurturing connections can sometimes feel like an uphill battle, leaving many wondering how to inject new life and meaning into these cherished bonds. As we grow older, the importance of these relationships only intensifies, impacting our health, happiness, and overall lifespan. So, how do we keep the flame alive and foster relational longevity amid life's inevitable changes?
In this episode, we explore innovative and meaningful practices designed to rekindle and sustain the depth of our relationships. From the ritual of vow renewal to annual relationship debriefs you'll discover inspiring ways to continually recommit to your loved ones. Insights from experts discuss the social and health benefits of these rituals, and how they can fortify not just marriages, but friendships and broader social networks. Whether you're looking to enhance your romantic life or invigorate your friendships, this conversation offers practical tools and evidence-based strategies to help you create an enduring and life-affirming connection. Dive in to learn how celebrating milestones, maintaining personal interests, and fostering intentional social ties can significantly elevate the quality of your relationships and your life.
Maddy Dychtwald is an internationally acclaimed author, public speaker, and thought leader on longevity, aging, the new retirement, and the ascent of women. She co-founded Age Wave, the world's leader in understanding and addressing the far-reaching impacts of our aging population, and has led numerous acclaimed studies on women and money. Her recently published book, “Ageless Aging: A Woman’s Guide to Increasing Healthspan, Brainspan, and Lifespan” was a USA Today bestseller and a Publishers Weekly bestseller.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:05 Maddy Dychtwald’s four decades of passion in aging, longevity, and retirement.
10:08 The power of mindset and social connections for a healthier, longer life.
26:55 How couples keep their relationship vibrant through regular communication and annual vow renewals.
38:51 Navigating aging in relationships: Balancing different attitudes towards health and longevity.
Mentioned Ageless Aging: A Woman’s Guide to Increasing Healthspan, Brainspan, and Lifespan (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 110: How to Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs in Relationship
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Maddy Dychtwald Websites: maddydychtwald.com
Facebook: facebook.com/maddy.dychtwald
X: twitter.com/Maddy_Dychtwald
Instagram: instagram.com/maddydychtwald
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/maddydychtwald
TikTok: tiktok.com/@maddy_dychtwald?lang=fil-PH
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Is your relationship running on autopilot, devoid of the meaningful conversations that foster growth and intimacy? Relationships often suffer when we avoid crucial conversations that could foster deeper connections and understanding. The problem is not the lack of desire but rather the missing know-how to navigate these uncharted waters effectively. Imagine a world where curiosity, vulnerability, and intentionality are the cornerstones of your relationship, transforming mundane interactions into meaningful, intimate moments.
In this episode, we dive deep into the often-overlooked conversations that can create positive change in relationships. Learn about practical exercises designed to enhance intimacy, tools to build curiosity and engagement, and the importance of creating rituals within daily routines. From mindfulness exercises to reframing thoughts and leveraging curiosity, this discussion illuminates the pathway to a more connected and fulfilling relationship. The goal is to provide you with actionable insights and strategies that can immediately impact how you relate to your partner, helping to turn those awkward silences into moments of genuine connection.
Zach Brittle is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Certified Gottman Therapist, and Certified Relational Life Therapist. He is also the author of The Relationship Alphabet and the Marriage Therapy Journal.
Laura Heck is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Gottman Therapist, and Sex Therapist in private practice working exclusively with couples to manage conflict and deepen intimacy and pleasure.
Zach and Laura are the co-hosts of the podcast Marriage Therapy Radio where they bring wit and wisdom while tackling the most common complaints every relationship experiences.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:15 How this dynamic duo brings humor and expertise to relationship advice.
12:04 How actively engaging in the process leads to real relationship growth.
21:02 How curiosity can transform relationships and deepen connection.
26:47 Exercises for cultivating vulnerability and emotional intimacy in relationships.
32:38 Building lasting connection through rituals and intentional practices in relationships.
45:37 Aligning values with intentional practices for a more fulfilling relationship.
Mentioned Reconnect: A Marriage Counseling Workbook (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Atomic Habits (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Smart Couples Finish Rich (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 420: The Importance of “Turning Towards” in Relationship — An Interview with Laura Heck
ERP 396: How to Recognize Unhelpful & Misguided Relationship Advice — An Interview with Zach Brittle
ERP 216: What to Know about Loneliness and Relationship
ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Zach Brittle & Laura Heck Websites: marriagetherapyradio.com
Facebook: facebook.com/marriagetherapyradio
X: twitter.com/forbetter_us
Instagram: instagram.com/marriagetherapyradio
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/marriage-therapy-radio/id1295458667
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Have you ever wondered why certain patterns seem to repeat in your relationships, leaving you feeling unfulfilled or misunderstood? Many of us carry the hidden scars of unmet childhood needs into our adult partnerships, often without realizing it. These unresolved emotional wounds can create barriers to giving and receiving love, often manifesting as conflicts and struggles in intimacy. Understanding and healing these deep-seated issues is crucial for building healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
In this episode, we delve into the profound impact of childhood experiences on adult behavior and relationships. We'll explore how understanding and internalizing these early life influences can help recognize and address the missing emotional elements from one's upbringing. The discussion sheds light on the importance of processing past traumas, engaging in healing conversations, and employing therapeutic techniques like role-playing and letter-writing to reconcile unresolved feelings. By emphasizing the intertwined nature of individual and relational growth, this episode offers practical strategies to help listeners navigate the complexities of maintaining a strong sense of self while fostering fulfilling, intimate relationships.
Talia Bombola, The Confidence & Assertiveness Specialist™, is a Certified Psychodynamic, Licensed Psychotherapist, and Relationship Mentor for Women. Her work centers around helping anxious women feel secure by increasing self-worth, confidence, and assertiveness & rewiring beliefs about themselves, men, and relationships. She helps you heal the "not enoughness" that is blocking you from living a life overflowing with satisfaction and self-worth.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 7:06 Talia’s journey from personal development to professional practice.
11:20 The dangers of tying self-worth to external achievements and goals.
14:45 Understanding the importance of developmental stages in shaping a person's sense of identity and self-worth.
18:56 The role of psychodynamic therapy and reparenting in healing childhood wounds.
29:03 Exploring the benefits of reconnecting with parents to address unresolved childhood experiences.
41:38 The importance of maintaining one's individuality and sense of self within relationships, particularly when faced with disapproval or differing opinions from loved ones.
46:57 Balancing closeness and autonomy: Navigating conflict and personal growth in relationships.
Mentioned Rewire Your Relationships (online program)
Triangular Theory of Love
True self and false self (*Wikipedia link) (article)
Eriksons Stages of Psychosocial Development (*National Library of Medicine link) (book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Talia Bombola Websites: taliabombola.com
Facebook: facebook.com/taliabombola
Instagram: instagram.com/taliabombola
TikTok: tiktok.com/@taliabombola
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/heal-through-humor/id1657508931
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Does the way society has dictated gender roles affect the dynamics in your relationship? Many of us are conditioned from a young age to adhere to certain gender roles, often seeking validation and traits from our partners that we feel we lack within ourselves. This deep-rooted socialization can result in an unhealthy dynamic, impacting the harmony and health of our relationships. How can we reclaim and integrate these vital energies within ourselves to create stronger, more authentic connections?
In this episode, we explore how traditional gender conditioning influences our expectations and behaviors in relationships. Through a deeply insightful discussion, this episode offers practical strategies for recognizing and integrating both masculine and feminine energies in everyday life. Reflecting on personal experiences, societal dynamics, and spiritual perspectives, this episode provides tools to foster emotional maturity, authenticity, and harmony in your relationships. Join us to understand the importance of inner balance and discover how to step into a more empowered version of yourself.
Dené Logan, AMFT, is a marriage and family therapist, spiritual teacher, and author of Sovereign Love: A Guide to Healing Relationships by Reclaiming the Masculine and Feminine Within. She is cohost of the weekly podcast Cheaper Than Therapy, which gives listeners a behind-the-scenes look at coaching sessions with actual clients, interviews with thought leaders in the field of mental health and wellness, and a bird’s-eye view into two therapists hashing out their current life struggles and perspectives on various hot topics. She lives in Los Angeles.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:35 Deńe Logan’s journey: From being a spiritual seeker and yoga teacher to becoming a therapist who specializes in couples work.
13:05 Redefining relational success and embracing the spiritual journey in relationships.
23:26 Balancing masculine and feminine energies in modern society.
46:51 Healing relationships through inner child connection and energy awareness.
Mentioned Sovereign Love: A Guide to Healing Relationships by Reclaiming the Masculine and Feminine Within (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles" (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dené Logan Websites: denelogan.com
Instagram: instagram.com/dene.logan
Podcast: denelogan.com/podcast
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Relationships are complex and often fraught with misunderstandings, conflicts, and a sense of disconnection. The journey to nurturing deep, meaningful connections can feel overwhelming, especially when traditional advice falls short. How can we cultivate intimacy and trust in our relationships? What if the answer lies not just in psychology but also in the intriguing world of quantum physics? Imagine approaching your relationships with the same awe, curiosity, and flexibility physicists use to understand the universe.
In this episode, we dive into the fascinating interplay between quantum physics and relational skills, offering fresh perspectives that challenge conventional thinking. The discussion explores the delicate art of deep listening, the transformative power of acceptance, and the importance of vulnerability. Learn about the stages of cultivating intimacy and the skills needed at each phase. We also touch on the importance of humility, adaptability, and approaching conflicts with a soft startup rather than with a harsh startup. By integrating these principles, you'll discover new ways to strengthen your connections and pave the path to more fulfilling and resilient relationships.
Dr. McMillan is a clinical community psychologist who has 40+ years of experience providing people with tools and insights they can use in their personal relationships, communities, and society at large to heal divisions and find ways to work together. He developed and authored the Sense of Community Theory, the most influential research on the psychological sense of community. Dr. McMillan is also the author of several highly-rated books, including Create Your Own Love Story.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:41 Defining the social glue: Understanding sense of community theory.
9:22 The four elements of a sense of community and their parallel in relationships.
16:35 How principles from quantum physics can inform relationship dynamics.
26:47 How observation influences reality in relationships.
35:52 The transformative power of emotions: From fear and anger to healing and growth.
Mentioned Create Your Own Love Story: The Art of Lasting Relationships (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Dr. David McMillan Website: drdavidmcmillan.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Navigating the complex terrain of romantic relationships can often feel like walking through a maze with no clear exit in sight. Fear, disguised as stress or anger, can become an invisible barrier that hampers our ability to foster intimate connections and develop relational skills. But what if we understood our deepest fears, attachment styles, and the ways we can reclaim our emotional maturity and personal empowerment within our relationships? Imagine transforming stress and conflict into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding.
In this episode, we delve deeply into the complexities of attachment styles and their impact on relationships. Discover how different attachment styles manifest fear and the importance of recognizing these patterns in both yourself and your partner. We discuss practical strategies for managing negative thoughts, the role of nonverbal communication, and the power of physical touch in creating a secure bond. Furthermore, understand how emotional regulation, personal empowerment, and vulnerability can transform relationship dynamics.
Charisse Cooke, an attachment-based psychotherapist and author, brings over twenty years of experience in relationship dynamics. With 7000+ clinical hours, including roles in three clinical facilities and private practice in London, she specializes in understanding relationship patterns. Rooted in adult attachment theory, her compassionate approach aims to transform relational dynamics. Through online courses and social media, Charisse educates on fostering secure, authentic connections, empowering individuals to mend relationships, and building emotional resilience.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:00 From fascination to practice: Charisse Cooke’s journey in understanding relationships.
8:55 The power of embracing acceptance and curiosity in relationships rather than immediately viewing unexpected situations as problems.
11:55 Balancing active participation and surrender in relationships.
16:08 Navigating fear and control in committed relationships.
22:03 Strategies for avoidant attachments and building secure bonds.
35:48 Cultivating emotional resilience: Balancing immediate and long-term regulation strategies.
Mentioned 10 New Behaviours That Will Transform Your Relationship in Under 10 Weeks (course link)
ERP 410: What Are the Signs of Emotional Immaturity in Relationship?
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Charisse Cooke Websites: charissecooke.com
X: twitter.com/CharisseCooke3
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCsTpiVcJCs65GYnITSkSAbQ?
Instagram: instagram.com/charissecooke
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/charisse-cooke-08157845
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Do you find it difficult to negotiate differing perspectives without sacrificing your own identity or creating deeper rifts? How do we balance our own needs with those of our partner? How do we stay connected even when conflict arises? Relationships can be a delicate balancing act, where the yearning for closeness and the need for autonomy often collide, leaving couples in a state of disconnection and frustration.
In this episode, we delve into this very dilemma, exploring the concept of becoming "relationship visionaries," emphasizing the importance of prioritizing the relationship's higher intention over individual desires. Through compelling stories, visual models, and actionable advice, you'll learn how to take turns, communicate effectively, and make decisions that foster intimacy and connection. By embodying these principles, you can navigate conflicts with greater understanding and kindness, ensuring a resilient and deeply satisfying partnership.
Join us as we uncover the essence of successful relationships and offer tools to elevate your love life to new heights.
Jessica Myers-Adams is a licensed clinical social worker and certified relationship coach and is an author and speaker whose words resonate with authenticity. Her widely acclaimed book, "What To Do When You Do Give a F*ck," has been hailed for its unabashed counsel on breathing life back into waning relationships. Through her coaching initiative, Couples Speak, Jessica has facilitated countless couples in healing fractured ties and revamping the love connection.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 8:29 The common struggle of balancing the desire for intimacy with the need for personal boundaries.
12:17 Mastering effective listening and embracing relationship vision.
24:21 Steps to negotiation, validation, and intimacy in relationships.
37:10 Cultivating curiosity and flexibility in relationship decision-making.
44:33 Explore resources and programs to enhance your relationship skills.
Mentioned What to Do When You Do Give a FCK (Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Jessica Myers-Adams Websites: couplesspeak.com
Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100084765327582
Instagram: instagram.com/jessicarelationshipvisionary
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/jessica-myers-adams-865136134
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Do you find yourself repeatedly falling into patterns of insecurity, sabotaging your relationships and sense of self-worth? Many of us are haunted by memories from the past that influence our current thoughts, emotions, and sensations—creating a cycle of negativity that feels impossible to break. But there is a way out. Through compassionate self-awareness and targeted self-compassion, you can learn to transform these self-defeating cycles into empowering pathways for growth.
In this episode, we delve into practical strategies to help you transform your relationship with yourself and others. We'll explore the powerful STEAM model—sensations, thoughts, emotions, actions, and mentalizing—as a guide to building self-awareness and self-compassion. By reflecting on past patterns and practicing compassionate self-awareness, you'll learn how to separate recurring thoughts and feelings, fostering growth and self-acceptance.
Additionally, we'll uncover insights into attachment styles and how they shape your perceptions and interactions, providing you with the tools to improve your sense of worthiness and lovability. Tune in to discover methods for cultivating emotional resilience, empathy, and connection, paving the way for healthier relationships and a more grounded sense of self.
Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps is dedicated to helping people understand themselves and what they need to do to become emotionally and psychologically healthy. She is in private practice, hosts a YouTube channel, and is a prolific writer. She has authored The Insecure in Love Workbook, Insecure in Love, and Bouncing Back from Rejection. She also writes the Authentically You blog and the Making Change blog on Psychology Today.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:29 Leslie’s passion for helping people and how her career has evolved.
9:37 Understanding attachment theory and its impact on well-being.
13:54 How early experiences influence adult relationships and attachment styles.
22:00 The importance of understanding one's attachment styles and the concept of self-awareness in fostering healthier relationships.
30:55 Differentiating between thoughts and emotions to gain greater self-awareness and break the cycle of insecurity.
34:24 Using steam to break the cycle of insecurity and self-sabotage.
46:49 A comprehensive resource for relationship growth.
Mentioned The Insecure in Love Workbook (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Insecure in Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Bouncing Back from Rejection (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Insecure in Love [large print edition] (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Insecure in Love Workbook (*New Harbinger Publications Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 423: How to Transcend Trauma (And the Effects Experience in Relationship) — An Interview with Dr. Frank Anderson
ERP 261: How to Strengthen Your Relationship from a Polyvagal Perspective – An Interview with Dr. Stephen Porges
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps Websites: drbecker-phelps.com
Facebook: facebook.com/DrLeslieBP
YouTube: youtube.com/c/LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/leslie-becker-phelps-ph-d-7221b155
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Are you feeling stuck or unfulfilled in your life or relationship? Do you find yourself trapped in a cycle of boredom and longing for something more? It's a common struggle that many of us face, but the good news is that change and growth are possible. The key lies in embracing the unknown, staying curious, and seeking new experiences to reignite the spark both within yourself and with your partner.
In this episode, we delve into the transformative power of curiosity and exploration, especially during life's unexpected challenges. From taking up new hobbies like tennis and dance to reframing our perspective on life's curveballs, our conversation offers practical insights to help you shift your state of being and rediscover a sense of joy and fulfillment. By reassessing happiness and goals, adopting a growth mindset, and nurturing intimacy and communication, we explore how to navigate the complexities of life and love, ultimately fostering a deeper connection within and with those around us.
Monica Berg is the author of Rethink Love, Fear is Not an Option, and The Gift of Being Different children’s book, as well as the co-host of the popular Spiritually Hungry podcast. She’s been called “The Marie Kondo of the Soul,” showing us how tidying up our inner mess can help us find the joy we’ve been seeking.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 00:04 Exploring the topic of boredom in relationships, especially in long-term ones where routines and habits often develop.
02:51 Overcoming boredom in relationships: Embracing creativity and growth.
09:14 The need for curiosity and engagement in exploring new interests to overcome feelings of boredom and routine.
24:10 Transforming fear and rigidity into opportunity and joy.
27:26 The importance of acknowledging and processing negative emotions rather than bypassing them.
Mentioned The Gift of Being Different (On Being) (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Fear Is Not An Option (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Rethink Love: 3 Steps to Being the One, Attracting the One, and Becoming One (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Maybe You Should Talk To Someone: A Therapist, HER Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence (*Amazon affiliate link) (book)
ERP 305: The Surprising & Powerful Benefits of Learning to Tolerate Discomfort — An Interview with Dr. Anna Lembke
Connect with Monica Berg Websites: rethinklife.today | spirituallyhungrypodcast.com
Facebook: facebook.com/monicaberg74 | facebook.com/SpirituallyHungryPodcast
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCe3q8OFWS2o9zy_PZsBDUtw
Instagram: instagram.com/monicarberg74 | instagram.com/spirituallyhungry
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/spiritually-hungry/id1517646639
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Deception in relationships is a common issue that can strain trust and intimacy, leaving partners feeling confused and disconnected. Whether it's through subtle nonverbal cues or drastic changes in communication style, lies—both big and small—can significantly impact the fabric of any relationship. Identifying lies and understanding their underlying causes are crucial steps to fostering a more honest and open partnership. How do you address this deeply ingrained issue? It all starts with awareness and communication.
In this episode, we delve into the nuances of recognizing deception, from interpreting nonverbal cues such as tone of voice and fidgeting to understanding the reasons behind why people lie. We'll explore strategies for responding to dishonesty in a non-accusatory way and the importance of self-reflection and open dialogue. By examining case studies, behavioral tips, and psychological insights, listeners will better navigate the complexities of honesty in relationships, paving the way for deeper intimacy and trust.
Andrea Beach is a highly acclaimed life and business coach and a leading authority on human behavior. She combines the best techniques from NLP and relational psychology with her “self-made success” strategies as a business leader and entrepreneur to deliver incredible results for both companies and individuals alike. Beach has created dozens of successful programs for relationship transformation.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:58 Andrea’s journey: From serial entrepreneurship to balanced life harmony.
12:05 Unveiling the complexity of lies: From business tactics to intimate relationships.
19:34 Navigating expectations and honesty in relationships.
35:01 Recognizing deception: Signs and strategies for authentic communication.
42:56 Strategies for constructive communication.
Mentioned ERP 433: The Power Of Radical Honest On Connection — An Interview with Dr. Brad Blanton
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Andrea Beach Websites: andreabeach.me
Facebook: facebook.com/TheAndreaBeach
YouTube: youtube.com/@The_Andrea_Beach
Instagram: instagram.com/the_andrea_beach
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/andrea-beach
TikTok: tiktok.com/@the_andrea_beach
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Establishing genuine human connections poses a significant challenge in the face of societal expectations and personal inhibitions. The pressure to conform and maintain a carefully constructed image often prevents individuals from expressing their true thoughts and emotions. Consequently, this fear of judgement or rejection fosters relational interactions that lack depth and authenticity. As a result, many find their connections to be superficial, leaving a pervasive sense of disconnection and isolation.
In this episode, you'll discover how radical honesty can transform such patterns and lead to deeper, more intimate connections. By examining the intersection of honesty, forgiveness, and vulnerability, this episode offers practical insights and exercises designed to foster genuine contact and warmth in your interactions. Learn about the power of reporting your immediate experience versus relying on preconceived notions, ultimately guiding you toward a more fulfilled and open way of relating.
Brad Blanton, psychotherapist, author, and founder of Radical Honesty Enterprises, is known for his unwavering honesty and engaging Southern charm. His bestselling book, "Radical Honesty: How To Transform Your Life By Telling The Truth," has been translated into sixteen languages. Blanton's work explores personal and social transformation, evident in titles like "Practicing Radical Honesty" and "Honest to God." He retired in 2020 after writing extensively, with his final book, "Lying or Living," set for publication in 2024 by Sparrowhawk Publishing.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:22 The philosophy of radical honesty.
8:49 The distinction between genuine perception and ideation.
14:40 Embracing uncertainty and its role in deepening personal connections.
16:55 The power of radical honesty in personal growth and forgiveness.
25:02 The importance of honesty and vulnerability in personal and relational growth.
37:32 Expressing true feelings and thoughts without censoring or editing.
45:36 The balance therapists and clients must achieve between allowing and making things happen.
Mentioned The Power of Radical Honesty - Dr. Anna Lembke (*YouTube link) (video)
Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Practicing Radical Honesty (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Truthtellers (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Honest to God: A Change of Heart That Can Change the World (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence (*Amazon affiliate link) (book)
ERP 305: The Surprising & Powerful Benefits of Learning to Tolerate Discomfort — An Interview with Dr. Anna Lembke
Connect with Dr. Brad Blanton Websites: radicalhonesty.com | lyingorliving.com
Facebook: facebook.com/drbradblanton | facebook.com/RadicalHonesty
X: twitter.com/drbradblanton | twitter.com/RadicalHonesty
YouTube: youtube.com/@radical.honesty
Instagram: instagram.com/drbradblanton | instagram.com/radical.honesty
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/dr-brad-blanton | linkedin.com/company/radical-honesty-institute
TikTok: tiktok.com/@radical.honesty
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Have you ever felt that intimacy in your relationship brings both comfort and discomfort? Why do we feel pressured to conform or seek space when getting too close to someone?
In this episode, we delve into these intriguing dynamics of human connection. We explore the pressures of seeking complete unity in relationships and the concept of the 'fusion mindset.' Hear how technology's impact on our interactions can lead to pseudo-connections, affecting the delicate balance between intimacy and loneliness.
Gain practical insights on recognizing and communicating your needs, and understand how personal growth often comes through navigating discomfort and anxiety. Learn how to confront and manage relationship tensions, bringing curiosity and openness to the table, especially in sexual intimacy.
Corey Allan (if you want to be formal it’s Dr. Corey Allan, but he's usually pretty casual) is a husband, father, author, speaker, and a Marriage and Family Therapist with a Ph.D. in Family Therapy. He and his wife Pam host a weekly podcast, Sexy Marriage Radio, where they help frame conversations and actions that help couples create a marriage fully alive.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 06:30 Dr. Corey Allen's journey to helping marriages thrive.
09:58 How sexual intimacy mirrors life and relationships.
16:07 Understanding the elicitation window: Unpacking sexual intimacy and relationship dynamics.
21:02 How past reactions shape present interactions.
25:57 Balancing separateness and togetherness in relationships.
36:27 The importance of tolerating discomfort and anxiety as a pathway to personal and relational growth.
44:15 The importance of identifying and challenging habitual behaviors that may inhibit deeper connection.
Mentioned Intimacy & Desire: Awaken The Passion In Your Relationship (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Resurrecting Sex (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Passionate Marriage (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Crucible Institute Dr. David Schnarch
Turn Criticism Into Connection | Dr Jessica Higgins #678
ERP 027: Asking For What You Want & Getting It — With Dr. Corey Allen
ERP 238: How to Find Your Emotional Balance in Relationship
ERP 110: How to Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs in Relationship
Connect with Dr. Corey Allan Websites: smr.fm
Facebook: facebook.com/sexymarriageradio
YouTube: youtube.com/@sexymarriageradio
Instagram: instagram.com/sexymarriageradio
TikTok: tiktok.com/@sexymarriageradio
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/sexy-marriage-radio/id472302597
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Setting limits and boundaries with others is a fundamental aspect of healthy interpersonal dynamics. Yet, many people struggle with asserting themselves due to ingrained patterns from childhood or societal expectations that prioritize giving over self-care. This difficulty often leads to overcommitment, resentment, and a pervasive sense of being taken advantage of, all of which can strain relationships and undermine personal well-being.
In this episode, you'll discover actionable strategies to set and uphold boundaries in your relationships. Learn how to prioritize self-care without guilt, assert your needs effectively, and cultivate healthier dynamics with others. Gain insights from real-life scenarios and expert guidance to navigate interpersonal challenges with confidence and maintain your well-being.
Johanna has been connected to the world of separation and divorce for decades, originally due to her personal situation, then as a systemic therapist focusing on restoring relationships for the past 12 years. Johanna is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with an international private practice.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 05:14 Johanna’s personal experience to professional expertise.
7:24 The intergenerational influence on boundaries.
15:54 The profound impact of unresolved family trauma on present behaviors.
23:54 Recognizing poor boundaries and their impacts.
27:58 Recognizing and addressing overgiving.
44:09 Healing past patterns for healthier relationships.
Mentioned It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 386: How to Identify & Shift Unconscious Patterns in Relationship – An Interview with Johanna Lynn
Connect with Johanna Lynn Websites: johannalynn.ca
Facebook: facebook.com/groups/1470185283292404
YouTube: youtube.com/@TheFamilyImprint
Instagram: instagram.com/thefamilyimprint_institute
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/johannalynn
Pinterest: pinterest.ca/family_imprint
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Imagine being deeply in love, but constantly feeling the weight of judgment from society merely because of an age difference. Age gap relationships often face challenges beyond the typical trials of love, grappling with stereotypes, stress, and the pressure of public perception.
In this episode, we peel back the layers of these complex relationships to reveal the surprising benefits and often-overlooked dynamics at play. Learn how partners can triumph over societal stigma through open communication, humor, and intentionality. Discover the true essence of what makes these relationships thrive, the power of embracing joy and playfulness, and the critical importance of challenging cultural norms to foster deeper connection and satisfaction. Prepare to rethink what you know about age gap relationships, and gain insights that could transform how unconventional love is viewed.
Dr. Sarah Hill is an award-winning research psychologist and professor with expertise in women, health, and sexual psychology. At the intersection of evolutionary biology, social psychology, and neuroscience, her research aims to understand how hormones, the immune system, and the environment play in relationships and health behaviors. She appeared in the 2022 Netflix documentary, “The Principles of Pleasure" and is currently a consultant for Cougar Life, a dating site for confident women looking to meet younger men.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 7:06 Exploring double standards in age gap relationships.
9:48 Debunking stereotypes in female-led age gap relationships.
13:26 Various factors influencing power dynamics in relationships.
17:38 Redefining age gap relationships: Gender dynamics and societal perceptions.
21:08 Unveiling joy and satisfaction: Insights from research.
28:17 Advancing research to challenge stigma and enhance understanding of non-normative relationships.
30:17 The importance of open communication in navigating stereotypes and fostering acceptance.
39:42 The influence of hormones on relationships.
Mentioned This Is Your Brain on Birth Control: How the Pill Changes Everything (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Connect with Dr. Sarah Hill Websites: sarahehill.com
Facebook: facebook.com/sarahehillphd
X: twitter.com/sarahehillphd
Instagram: instagram.com/sarahehillphd
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/sarah-hill-39668431
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
At the core of many relationship struggles lie deeply ingrained wounds from our past, shaping how we perceive ourselves and interact with others. These wounds, often formed in childhood, can manifest as insecurities, fears, and maladaptive coping mechanisms in adult relationships.
As an example, individuals with deep-seated abandonment wounds struggle to trust or embrace intimacy, resulting in clinginess or avoidance behaviors. Similarly, those with worthiness wounds may constantly seek validation or struggle to assert their needs confidently. These patterns sow seeds of conflict, communication breakdowns, and emotional distance, impeding intimacy and connection.
In this episode, we delve into how understanding and addressing these core wounds can transform relationship dynamics. By exploring the origins of these wounds and their manifestations in adult relationships, we uncover actionable strategies for healing and growth. Through this insightful conversation, listeners gain valuable tools to navigate their own core wounds and foster healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Thais Gibson is a counselor and co-founder of The Personal Development School, with a Ph.D., and over 13 certifications in modalities, such as CBT, NLP, somatic experiencing, internal family systems, and shadow work. She is an expert in attachment theory and her research is extending the frontier of psychology with her modern Gibson Integrated Attachment Theory™, and she is the author of Learning Love: Build the Best Relationships of Your Life Using Integrated Attachment.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:53 Tyese Gibson’s journey through adversity and addiction to transformation.
12:12 The importance of addressing deeper emotional layers and primary attachment needs to achieve lasting change.
22:32 Reprogramming the subconscious for better relationships.
27:03 Thais explains her integrative approach to attachment therapy, which combines multiple modalities.
41:36 The power of inner work in relationship dynamics.
Mentioned Learning Love: Learning Love: Build the Best Relationships of Your Life Using Integrated Attachment Theory (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Thais Gibson Website: university.personaldevelopmentschool.com
Facebook: facebook.com/ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCHQ4lSaKRap5HyrpitrTOhQ/videos
Instagram: instagram.com/thepersonaldevelopmentschool
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/personal-development-school/id1478580185
TikTok: tiktok.com/@thaisgibson?_t=8n6kvwtOLP0&_r=1
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Ever wondered why your relationship feels like a never-ending cycle of conflict and distance? In this episode, we delve into the common dynamics experienced by 80% of distressed couples, with a particular focus on the anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
This episode provides actionable guidance to regulate emotions, establish safety, and overcome attachment injuries. Discover a five-stage process for fostering intimacy, promoting personal and relational development. Learn practical strategies to address core emotions, halt escalating conflicts, and pave the way for secure, fulfilling connections. Whether you're dealing with an anxious-avoidant dynamic or looking to deepen your understanding of attachment, this episode provides valuable tools and insights to transform your relationship.
Jennifer Nurick (Jen) specialises in healing anxious attachment, attachment injuries and childhood trauma. She is a licensed Clinical Psychotherapist, Couple Therapist, Energetic Healer, and author of “Heal Your Anxious Attachment”. She is the founder and voice of Psychotherapy Central. She has been working in the healing space for over 20 years, combining Eastern energetic practices and Western psychotherapy. She offers transformational courses to help individuals and couples heal trauma and build secure long-term relationships.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 09:32 Jennifer Nurick shares her journey of discovery and expertise in the realm of attachment dynamics.
18:10 The complexities of relational wounds and the quest for secure attachment.
25:01 Therapy as a haven for confronting and processing emotional injuries.
32:48 The unburdening process in internal family systems therapy.
38:09 Navigating attachment dynamics in distressed relationships.
51:33 Healing anxious and avoidant attachment styles in relationships.
Mentioned Psychotherapy Online Course Catalog
Heal Your Anxious Attachment: Release Past Trauma, Cultivate Secure Relationships, and Nurture a Deeper Sense of Self (*Amazon affiliate link) (book)
ERP 423: How to Transcend Trauma (And the Effects Experience in Relationship) — An Interview with Dr. Frank Anderson
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Jennifer Nurick Websites: psychotherapycentral.health
Facebook: facebook.com/psychotherapy.central
YouTube: youtube.com/@psychotherapycentral
Instagram: instagram.com/psychotherapy.central
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/psychotherapy-central/id1701257974
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Fostering genuine connections can feel daunting in a world filled with distractions and surface-level interactions. Many individuals struggle to find the right way to communicate, leading to misunderstandings and emotional distance in relationships.
In this episode, we explore the art of refining communication through strategic question construction. While you can’t control the answers you receive, you can shape them by framing your questions thoughtfully.
Discover practical insights and strategies to cultivate meaningful dialogue and forge authentic bonds with others. Join us on a journey to harness the potential of curiosity and intentionality in your conversations, paving the way for richer, more fulfilling relationships.
Topaz Adizes is an Emmy award-winning writer, director, and experienced design architect. He is an Edmund Hillary fellow and Sundance/Skoll Stories of Change fellow. His works have been selected to Cannes, Sundance, IDFA, and SXSW, featured in New Yorker magazine, Vanity Fair, and the NewYork Times; and have garnered an Emmy for new approaches to documentary and Two World Press photo awards for immersive storytelling and interactive documentary. He is the founder and executive director of the experience design studio The Skin Deep. Topaz studied philosophy at UC Berkeley and Oxford University.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 05:51 Topaz’s journey from filmmaking to experience design.
10:36 Harnessing the power of intimate questions for better relationships.
14:06 How the quality and nature of questions significantly influence our experiences and outcomes.
17:56 Five key traits of effective questions.
32:28 Cultivating authentic connections through curious inquiry.
38:20 The importance of creating space for meaningful connection.
Mentioned 12 Questions for Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
{The And} (videos)
The Skin Deep - Creating The Space To Explore (card decks & shop) Enter in “DRJESSICA” for 15% off (*Affiliate link)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Topaz Adizes Websites: shop.theskindeep.com | topazadizes.com
Facebook: facebook.com/TheSkinDeep
X: twitter.com/the_skindeep?lang=en
YouTube: youtube.com/c/theskindeep/videos
Instagram: instagram.com/the_skindeep
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/company/theskindeep
TikTok: tiktok.com/@theskindeep?lang=en
Pinterest: pinterest.com/theskindeep
Podcast: topazadizes.com/podcast
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Navigating end-of-life conversations can be emotionally challenging and riddled with uncertainties. Many individuals and families struggle to broach topics surrounding preferences for care, leaving them ill-prepared for crucial decisions during times of crisis.
In this episode, we embark on a journey to explore practical strategies and insights aimed at facilitating these delicate discussions with compassion and clarity. By providing actionable guidance and fostering a deeper understanding of end-of-life care, this episode equips listeners with the tools needed to approach these conversations thoughtfully, empowering them to honor personal values and preferences with confidence.
Dr. Bob and Elizabeth Uslander co-founded Empowered Endings, a unique palliative and end-of-life care model addressing the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual needs of patients and families. Bob Uslander, MD, received his Medical Degree from the UCLA Geffen School of Medicine and practiced medicine in Emergency, Palliative, and end-of-life care for over 30 years.
Elizabeth Uslander, MSW MTS, received her BA cum laude from Georgetown University and earned her Master's degrees at USC and Wesley Theological Seminary.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 03:49 Bob’s transition from emergency medicine to palliative care and the founding of Empowered Endings with Elizabeth.
09:12 Elizabeth’s journey in spiritual care and social work shaping palliative and end of life care focus.
11:47 Integrating end-of-life doulas in comprehensive care planning and support.
18:48 The importance of having proactive, intentional discussions about end-of-life preferences within couples.
32:54 The role of spiritual practices and emotional connection in navigating end-of-life conversations within relationships.
38:29 Cultivating readiness and practical tools for end-of-life conversations.
Mentioned Links here
Connect with Dr. Bob and Elizabeth Uslander Websites: empoweredendings.com
Facebook: facebook.com/empowerendings
YouTube: youtube.com/@Empowered-Endings
Instagram: instagram.com/empowered_endings_
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/company/empowered-endings
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Ever wondered how happy couples navigate irreconcilable differences and still thrive? Arguments in relationships are both inevitable and impactful. While they often stir up feelings of frustration, anger, and sadness, they also hold the potential for profound growth and understanding between partners. When managed with care and intention, conflicts can uncover deep-seated issues, foster better communication, and ultimately strengthen the bond.
In this episode, we explore how conflicts can become opportunities for growth and deeper connection. By focusing on emotional regulation, curiosity, and taking responsibility, couples can navigate differences with more understanding and empathy. Learn practical strategies for creating a safe environment and fostering open communication, transforming challenges into stepping stones for a stronger, more empowered relationship. Gain valuable insights and actionable tips to help you and your partner grow together through the ups and downs.
Linda Bloom, L.C.S.W. is a psychotherapist and marriage counselor who teaches relationship workshops throughout the world. She and her husband, Charlie Bloom are co-authors of the widely acclaimed book, 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married, Simple Lessons to Make Love Last, and Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truths from Real Couples About Lasting Love, An End to Arguing: 101 Valuable Lessons for All Relationships and more.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 4:20 Cultivating a thirst for growth: Linda Bloom’s path to a harmonious relationship with her husband after a rocky beginning.
12:51 Balancing differences: How mutual respect and curiosity foster harmonious relationships.
19:02 Mastering the art of handling differences: A key to achieving optimal relational well-being for couples.
27:24 Strategies for managing heated conversations and building stronger connections in relationships.
37:46 Navigating conflicts through emotional regulation and sincere communication.
44:56 How emotional maturity and practical resources can strengthen your relationship.
Mentioned 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
An End to Arguing: 101 Valuable Lessons for All Relationships (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Gottman Institute
Connect with Linda Bloom Websites: bloomwork.com
Facebook: facebook.com/lindaandcharliebloom
X (twitter): twitter.com/bloomwork
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCV3lPZs0gRNYCTQ6vgz4Q6Q
Instagram: instagram.com/linda_charlie_bloom
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/lindacbloom
Tumblr: tumblr.com/linda-charlie-bloom-blog
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
The absence of clear personal boundaries can lead to numerous challenges in relationships. Without defined boundaries, individuals may find themselves constantly overwhelmed by the demands and expectations of others, leading to feelings of resentment, frustration, and even powerlessness. Moreover, conflicts can escalate, communication can break down, and genuine connection becomes increasingly elusive without firm boundaries in place. Essentially, the problem of not having boundaries manifests as a pervasive struggle to maintain authenticity, self-respect, and healthy interpersonal dynamics.
In this episode, the discussion centers on the transformative power of consistently upholding boundaries despite potential pushback. Through insightful anecdotes and practical advice, listeners will gain valuable insights into identifying their core needs, overcoming fear, and building trust within relationships. Whether grappling with familial, professional, or personal boundaries, this episode offers actionable strategies for asserting oneself and cultivating fulfilling connections.
Abby Medcalf is a Relationship Maven, psychologist, author, podcast host, and TEDx speaker who helps people think differently so they can create connection, ease, and joy in their relationships. She brings a fresh perspective to life’s struggles using humor, research, and her direct, no-nonsense style. She's the author of “Boundaries Made Easy”, bestseller “Be Happily Married, Even If Your Partner Won’t Do a Thing”, and hosts the top-rated Relationships Made Easy Podcast, reaching 170+ countries.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 4:59 From addiction to authority: Abby Medcalf’s journey to boundary mastery.
9:43 Understanding boundaries as not just a component, but a fundamental structure in relationships and business dynamics.
12:23 The impact of congruence between conscious and subconscious signals on how others perceive and respond to us.
20:07 Understanding the spectrum of boundaries and the impact of disregarding them.
27:06 Establishing clear standards and responses for personal empowerment.
39:22 Defining personal standards and boundaries for empowered relationships.
47:49 Making your way from complaints to core needs.
Mentioned Boundaries Made Easy: Your Roadmap to Connection, Ease and Joy (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Be Happily Married: Even If Your Partner Won't Do a Thing (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Feelings Chart (*Hoffman Institute link) (pdf)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Abby Medcalf Websites: abbymedcalf.com
Facebook: facebook.com/abbymedcalf
YouTube: youtube.com/user/AbbyMedcalfThriving
Instagram: instagram.com/abbymedcalfthriving
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/abby-medcalf-phd-718969b8
TikTok: tiktok.com/@abbymedcalfphd
Podcast: Relationships Made Easy
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do in certain situations or why certain relationships feel so challenging? In many cases, individuals may not realize how past trauma is influencing their present relationships and personal well-being.
In this episode, we talk about trauma, its various forms, and its profound impact on individuals and their connections with others. Featuring expert insights from a leader in the field of trauma therapy, the conversation sheds light on how trauma from our formative years can shape our adult behaviors and interactions. Through an in-depth examination of cutting-edge therapeutic approaches such as internal family systems, and emotional focus therapy, this discussion provides valuable tools and strategies for identifying, addressing, and healing these deep psychological wounds. Discover how to reconnect with your inner wisdom and potentially transform your relationships and self-perception, moving towards more empowered connections.
Frank Anderson, MD, completed his residency at Harvard Medical School. He is both a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist. He specializes in the treatment of trauma and dissociation and is passionate about integrating current neuroscience knowledge with the IFS model of therapy.
His most recent book, entitled “Transcending Trauma: Healing Complex PTSD with Internal Family Systems” was released on May 19, 2021. His memoir, “To Be Loved,” is set to be released on May 7, 2024.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 03:26 Understanding the multifaceted nature of trauma.
09:33 Understanding the connection between present-day struggles and unresolved childhood trauma.
19:01 The dynamics of emotional intimacy within relationships, particularly in the context of therapeutic approaches like Emotional Focus Therapy (EFT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS).
26:02 Understanding trauma responses and their varied manifestations.
32:45 Embracing healing and reconnecting with self.
43:32 Inspiring collective healing through personal narrative.
Mentioned To Be Loved: A Story of Truth, Trauma, and Transformation (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Transcending Trauma: Healing Complex PTSD with Internal Family Systems (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Connect with Dr. Frank Anderson Websites: frankandersonmd.com
Facebook: instagram.com/frank_andersonmd
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/frank-anderson-654b1836
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Jealousy is a complex emotional response often triggered by feelings of insecurity and fear of loss, and can profoundly impact personal relationships. It typically arises when an individual perceives a threat to a valued relationship, whether the threat is real or imagined. This emotion can lead to behaviors aimed at preventing loss, such as excessive monitoring or controlling tendencies, yet these actions often exacerbate the fears driving the jealousy.
In this episode, we delve into pervasive issues surrounding jealousy, uncovering their origins rooted in individual past experiences and amplified by today's social media-driven culture. The discussion offers valuable insights into the psychological patterns contributing to jealous behaviors. You'll discover practical tips and methods for self-regulation, including breathing exercises and strategies for improving communication with partners. Emphasizing self-awareness and the conscious choice in responding to relationship stressors, this episode aims to transform approaches to trust and connection, empowering individuals to cultivate healthier, more secure emotional bonds.
Shanenn Bryant is the founder and CEO of Top Self, a self-development company offering coaching, courses, and community to those with feelings of low self-worth, insecurity, and jealousy in their relationship.
Using her instructional design certification Shanenn has developed many sales, systems, and development skills courses and delivered more than 400 training classes.
As a relationship confidence expert, and the host of the Top Self podcast, Shanenn has inspired thousands to break up with bogus beliefs, crack the control code, and overhaul their insecure habits.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 05:41 Shannon Bryant's mission to combat relationship insecurities.
08:51 Understanding the roots and impact of jealousy on relationships.
13:43 The interconnectedness of jealousy, anxiety, and insecurity, relating them to past experiences of relational trauma and insecure attachments.
26:01 The tendency to be attracted to unavailable partners as a means of avoiding self-reflection and confronting personal issues.
27:13 The role of technology in exacerbating jealousy and practical steps to address it.
34:37 Balancing trust and vigilance: Navigating the fine line in relationships.
37:51 Strategies for overcoming jealousy addiction.
41:03 The concept of jealousy as a symptom rather than the problem itself, emphasizing its role as a solution signaling underlying issues.
47:38 Coaching, resources, and trust-building programs for overcoming jealousy.
Mentioned Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Shanenn Bryant Websites: topself.com
Instagram: instagram.com/topselfcoach
Podcast: topself.com/podcast — TOP SELF | Tips on Jealousy in Relationships, Anxiety, and Insecurity
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Keeping the flame of passion alive in a relationship can be a challenging endeavor, especially amidst the demands and stresses of everyday life. From managing work responsibilities to navigating household chores and family commitments, couples often find themselves caught up in a whirlwind of obligations, leaving little room for fun and positive connections.
In this episode, we explore actionable strategies and valuable insights aimed at addressing the challenge of maintaining fun and positivity in a relationship. From practical tips to infuse joy into everyday moments to revitalizing the bond between partners, we offer guidance on reigniting the spark and fostering a deeper connection amidst life's demands.
Arlene Pellicane is a renowned author and speaker specializing in marriage and parenting. She has been featured on numerous media outlets such as The Today Show, Wall Street Journal, Focus on the Family, Fox & Friends, TLC’s Home Made Simple, FamilyLife Today, and The 700 Club. Arlene also hosts the Happy Home podcast and has authored popular books like "31 Days to a Happy Husband" and "31 Days to Becoming a Happier Wife". Alongside her husband James of over 25 years, Arlene resides in the San Diego area with their three children: Ethan, Noelle, and Lucy.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 06:43 Arlene’s journey from being raised in a loving family to becoming a champion of healthy relationships.
10:55 Cultivating daily intimacy.
14:42 Nurturing connection through fresh perspectives.
21:58 The importance of scheduling regular dates in maintaining a thriving relationship.
26:44 Rediscovering playfulness and adventure, especially for couples who may have lost touch with these aspects of their connection.
30:15 Strategies for couples feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of planning weekly or bi-monthly dates.
33:13 Cultivating connection through regular getaways.
40:13 The importance of maintaining a positive focus on connection during designated relationship rituals like date nights and getaways.
Mentioned National Marriage Week USA
Calm, Cool, and Connected: 5 Digital Habits for a More Balanced Life (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
31 Days to a Happy Husband: What a Man Needs Most from His Wife (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
31 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Atomic Habits (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 089: How to Use Love Languages to Strengthen Connection
ERP 090: How to Use Love Languages to Strengthen Connection – Part Two
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Arlene Pellicane Websites: arlenepellicane.com/about
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-happy-home-podcast-with-arlene-pellicane (Apple Podcast link)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Loneliness and disconnection in relationships can often stem from unmet needs for emotional connection. When one partner reaches out for support, validation, or understanding, and their bids go unnoticed or ignored, it can lead to feelings of isolation and alienation. This lack of responsiveness can create a sense of being unheard or unseen, deepening the emotional distance between partners. Over time, repeated instances of unmet bids can erode trust and intimacy, leaving individuals feeling unfulfilled and disconnected in their relationship.
In this episode, Laura Heck and Dr. Jessica Higgins delve into the importance of turning towards your partner in a relationship to address feelings of loneliness and disconnection. By understanding the bidding system in relationships and learning to respond with empathy and curiosity, individuals can build stronger connections with their partners. This episode emphasizes the significance of acknowledging past traumas, developing new skills, and fostering grace and understanding to overcome emotional barriers and create a more fulfilling and intimate partnership.
Laura Heck is a licensed marriage and family therapist, Certified Gottman Therapist, co-host of Marriage Therapy Radio, and host of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work workshop for couples. She speaks and trains for The Gottman Institute and is a regular media expert on the topic of intimate relationships.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 05:30 Laura Heck's journey into relationship support.
11:22 Understanding bids for connection in relationships.
16:27 Importance of positive to negative ratios in relationships.
21:23 Exploring bids and responses in relationship dynamics.
26:03 Understanding shutting down in relationships.
31:37 Responding to criticism and harsh startups.
33:18 Repairing miscommunications and misunderstandings.
42:32 Building compassion and empathy in relationships.
45:16 Addressing trust and misunderstandings in relationships.
Mentioned The Gottman Institute
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (*Amazon affiliate link) (book)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Laura Heck Websites: marriagetherapyradio.com
Facebook: facebook.com/marriagetherapyradio
Twitter: twitter.com/forbetter_us
Instagram: instagram.com/marriagetherapyradio
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/marriage-therapy-radio/id1295458667?mt=2 (Apple Podcast)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
How can we cultivate a culture of emotional safety within our relationships, where vulnerability is embraced and recurring negative patterns are met with empathy and understanding, rather than defensiveness or blame?
Traumas, whether subtle or overt, can fuel recurring negative patterns that gradually erode the foundation of a relationship. These unseen wounds, left unattended, can manifest as distress and conflict, undermining the very fabric of our closest bonds.
In this episode, we delve into the depths of these dynamics, exploring how awareness, vulnerability, and proactive communication can pave the way for healing and transformation. Join us as we navigate the complexities of attachment styles, emotional safety, and the power of corrective emotional experiences in forging healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Jennine Estes Powell & Jacqueline Wielick, are distinguished Therapists and co-authors of "Help For High-Conflict Couples." Jacqueline Wielick is the owner of her practice, Therapy by Jackie, and is known for the empowering, empathetic, and engaging style she brings to her work. Jennine Estes Powell is a dedicated therapist for her clients, and is the driving force behind Estes Therapy, a thriving group practice in San Diego, the go-to hub for couples counseling. She also trains therapists globally.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 07:52 Jennine and Jacqueline‘s personal journeys into emotionally focused therapy.
13:03 Distinguishing high conflict from regular conflict.
20:13 The subtleties of trauma, challenging stereotypical perceptions of traumatic experiences.
23:18 How differing attachment styles can create communication barriers within relationships.
28:15 The evolution of relationships: Understanding the shift from early romance to bonded attachment.
34:53 Individual and couple strategies for recognizing and addressing attachment insecurities.
40:54 Repairing relationship patterns through vulnerability and repetition.
55:59 Accessible support and resources.
Mentioned Help for High-Conflict Couples (website) (speaking events)
Help for High-Conflict Couples: Using Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Science of Attachment to Build Lasting Connection Paperback (book) (affiliate)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Jennine Estes Powell Websites: helpforhighconflictcouples.com | estestherapy.com | jenninepowell.com
Instagram: instagram.com/estes_therapy
TikTok: tiktok.com/@jennine_estes
Connect with Jacqueline Wielick Websites: helpforhighconflictcouples.com| jackiewielick.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Emotional immaturity can hinder our ability to form healthy connections and make sound decisions. But is it truly possible to overcome emotional immaturity, even if you've experienced significant developmental setbacks or challenges?
Similar to research findings that suggest it's possible to develop more secure functioning or earn a secure attachment style later in life, it's feasible to achieve emotional growth and maturity.
In our fifth installment on the topic of emotional immaturity, we uncover practical strategies and insights to foster emotional growth. With a focus on seven key practices, including creating a safe space for growth and honing interpersonal skills, the discussion offers a roadmap for enhancing emotional intelligence.
If you find yourself in a relationship with someone exhibiting signs of emotional immaturity, it's crucial to consider revisiting the recommendations outlined in episode 416. Engaging in heartfelt, candid conversations with your partner about the importance of cultivating emotional maturity can pave the way for mutual understanding and growth within the relationship.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:48 A recap of the previous episodes on emotional maturity.
9:13 The dynamic nature of emotional maturity highlights its placement on a continuum that allows for growth and development.
14:21 Establishing a safe practice environment.
21:28 Embracing emotional awareness and connection.
26:39 Accepting emotional growth as a continuous process
31:30 Cultivating conscious regulation skills.
36:12 The importance of engaging in honest and uncomfortable conversations
41:44 Taking ownership and accountability within relationships.
45:19 Cultivating interpersonal and relational proficiency.
Mentioned Signs of Emotional Immaturity: How to Identify and Support People with Emotional Immaturity
Emotions as Honored Guests (article)
The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value | Lode Dewulf | TEDxVlerickBusinessSchool
ERP 276: Understanding the Need for Both Self-Regulation and Co-regulation in Relationship – An Interview with Deb Dana
ERP 261: How to Strengthen Your Relationship from a Polyvagal Perspective – An Interview with Dr. Stephen Porges
ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do About It
ERP 410: What Are the Signs of Emotional Immaturity in Relationship?
ERP 411: What Are the Signs of Emotional Immaturity in Relationship? Part Two
ERP 413: How Does Emotional Immaturity Develop & the Difference between Emotional Immaturity and Emotional Abuse? Part Three
ERP 416: What to Consider If You Are in a Relationship with an Emotionally Immature Person — Part Four
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Many individuals and families encounter a common challenge: the struggle to harmonize their values, aspirations, and objectives. This issue is compounded by the inherent differences in perspectives, priorities, and communication styles within these relationships. When aspirations clash and priorities diverge, it often leads to misunderstandings that escalate into tensions and conflicts. Maintaining harmony becomes a daunting task without a clear understanding of each other's goals and values, leaving couples and families adrift in a sea of discord.
In this episode, we delve into practical strategies for crafting a shared mission statement—a tool designed to align individuals and unite them in pursuit of common objectives. Through insightful discussions and actionable steps, listeners will discover how to identify core values, engage in constructive dialogue, and cultivate deeper understanding and connection with their partners and loved ones. Join us as we explore the power of intentional communication in fostering stronger, more harmonious relationships.
Dr. Heather Browne, PsyD, LMFT, helps people recognize the power of communication, one of the most important skills we possess. However, often, we fail to consider our understanding, approach, and belief, and consequently, miss out on our potential. No two individuals perceive reality in the same way, despite our belief in shared understanding. Harnessing this revolutionary awareness has enabled her to transform communication within oneself and other types of relationships.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 04:45 Dr. Heather Browne’s journey of healing and growth.
08:57 The significance of self-awareness and conscientiousness in personal growth, particularly in identifying areas of consistency and growth.
12:38 The transformative power of a mission statement.
20:28 The importance of understanding and accommodating differences in stress responses and soothing methods within a relationship.
23:57 Tailoring relationship goals to individual values.
29:12 Navigating irreconcilable differences in relationships through effective communication and collaboration.
40:19 Nurturing self-discovery and inner alignment.
51:54 The importance of crafting and regularly revisiting a mission statement for individuals, couples, and families as a tool for fostering connection and guiding communication.
Mentioned How to Feel Less Lonely, Create Meaningful Connections and Love | Heather Browne | TEDxMountRubidoux (YouTube link) (video)
Speaking with the Heart: Transforming Your Relationship and Communication with Compassion and Connection (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 355: The Importance of Creating a Shared Reality in Relationship — An Interview with Dr. Heather Browne
ERP 372: How to Work Together in Relationship for a Strong, Secure Connection — An Interview with Dr. Stan Tatkin
ERP 389: Understanding Our Stress Language as Well as Our Partner’s Stress Language for Better Living & Loving — An Interview with Chantal Donnelly
Connect with Dr. Heather Browne Websites: drheatherbrowne.com
Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100086978599835&mibextid=LQQJ4d
YouTube: youtube.com/@dr.heatherbrowne
Instagram: instagram.com/dr.heatherbrowne
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drheatherbrowne
TikTok: tiktok.com/@heathermbrowne
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Emotional maturity stands as the cornerstone of a thriving and meaningful bond between partners. Yet, navigating the intricate landscape of emotional immaturity within relationships presents its own set of challenges.
In this episode, we delve deep into this crucial topic, shedding light on how emotional immaturity impacts the dynamics of relationships and providing invaluable resources to aid individuals in navigating this intricate terrain.
Building upon insights from previous episodes, we explore methods for identifying signs of emotional immaturity, understanding its roots in development, and differentiating it from emotional abuse. The overarching goal of addressing this subject is to foster awareness and encourage deliberate efforts in honing emotional and relational competencies.
Join us as we uncover key insights into recognizing and addressing emotional immaturity, paving the way for stronger, more resilient relationships.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 08:23 The challenge of recognizing emotional immaturity in relationships.
20:19 The emotional toll of carrying the relationship load.
28:22 Stability challenges for the emotionally mature partner.
29:03 Strained enjoyment.
29:49 Coping with lack of intimacy in relationships.
32:11 Struggle with confidence and conflict resolution.
34:29 Practical steps for addressing emotional immaturity in a relationship.
Mentioned What is emotional immaturity and how can it impact relationships?
11 Signs of Emotional Immaturity in Relationships & Ways to Deal
ERP 410: What Are the Signs of Emotional Immaturity in Relationship?
ERP 411: What Are the Signs of Emotional Immaturity in Relationship? Part Two
ERP 413: How Does Emotional Immaturity Develop & the Difference between Emotional Immaturity and Emotional Abuse? Part Three
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Couples face a myriad of challenges, from communication breakdowns to navigating societal expectations. Navigating these challenges and fostering growth requires intentional effort and understanding. However, for LGBTQ couples, unique dynamics often come into play, from negotiating identity acceptance to addressing external biases.
In this episode, we delve into the rich tapestry of LGBTQ relationships, exploring the strengths they offer and the challenges they face. Through insightful discussions on communication, identity affirmation, and seeking inclusive support, this episode provides actionable steps for all couples seeking to deepen their connection and thrive together.
Join us as we explore what LGBTQ+ couples can teach us about nurturing healthy and thriving relationships.
Laurel is a licensed therapist and the Clinical Director of Laurel Therapy Collective, an online therapy practice that provides customized therapy to driven professionals in California, Pennsylvania, and Florida. Her practice offers individual and couples therapy with an emphasis on trauma recovery and LGBT+ affirmative care.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 05:56 The importance of shared identity and experiences in therapy for better outcomes.
10:48 Navigating licensing complexities for teletherapy across California Pennsylvania and Florida.
16:07 Lessons from LGBTQ+ relationships for all couples.
22:16 The significance of breaking away from prescribed relationship models and embracing a growth mindset in partnerships.
27:50 The power of language in shaping relationships.
34:25 Navigating common challenges in couples therapy.
37:20 Navigating unique challenges in LGBT couples relationships.
45:24 Identifying key criteria when seeking a couples therapist.
48:21 Holistic telehealth therapy services for couples and individuals.
Mentioned Same-Sex Couples (*The Gottman Institute) (research)
Therapy Den
Inclusive Therapists
Dr. Sue Johnson
The Gottman Institute
Imago Relationship Therapy (*Very Well Mind)
Connect with Laurel Roberts-Meese Websites: laureltherapy.net
Facebook: facebook.com/laureltherapycollective
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCzmtQve6GOsJt2z9XZ02nZA
Instagram: instagram.com/laureltherapycollective
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/company/laurel-therapy
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Navigating the challenging waters of divorce or betrayal within a relationship can be an incredibly tough journey. It's a time when seeking support becomes crucial, and for many, individual or couples therapy becomes a lifeline. However, the impact of a couple's distress extends far beyond the partners involved. They often overlook how their struggles reverberate throughout the entire family.
In this episode, we dive into the critical importance of considering therapy for the entire family system. This episode offers strategies for gaining a deeper understanding of how family members at various developmental stages are affected, and how to create a safe space for open communication and emotional support within the family, prioritizing the children's development amidst distress.
Kathryn de Bruin is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Emotional Focused Therapy Trainer and Supervisor, and Registered Play Therapist Supervisor. She has a full-time private practice in San Diego, CA where she works with children and families. Kathryn teaches Play Therapy at the University of California, San Diego, in the Play Therapy Program. She is a Director for the San Diego Center for EFT, and serves various EFT communities.
Lisa Palmer-Olsen, Psy.D. is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in San Diego California. She is a Certified EFT Therapist, Trainer, and Supervisor, and is a Founder and one of the Directors of the Emotionally Focused Couples Training and Research Institute at Alliant International University. Lisa completed her dissertation research on how to train and teach Emotionally Focused Couples therapy to professionals. Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT and Dr. Scott Woolley were part of her dissertation committee.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 5:02 Lisa and Kathryn's journey into supporting couples and families.
10:00 The importance of considering the broader impact within the family system.
15:20 The growing trend of parents seeking comprehensive support.
19:40 Creating new pathways for family connection.
28:04 Creating space for dialogue within the family and seeking community resources to combat isolation.
46:43 Redefining conflict resolution in family law: The role of attachment-based mediation.
48:54 Valuable resources for individuals navigating family therapy and seeking emotional support.
Mentioned Emotionally Focused Family Therapy: Restoring Connection and Promoting Resilience (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World (book)
The Good Divorce (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Constance Ahrons, Ph.D.
EFT Therapist Search
ERP 175: How to Heal from an Affair – An Interview with Scott Woolley
Connect with Kathryn de Bruin & Dr. Lisa Palmer-Olsen Websites: renovasandiego.com | kathryndebruin.com
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-family-express
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
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LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
In the ongoing series on emotional immaturity, we continue our exploration by delving deeper into the intricate dynamics that underpin its development. Drawing from our previous discussions, we aim to build upon foundational knowledge and delve into the nuanced differences between emotional immaturity and emotional abuse. By shedding light on these subtleties, we provide listeners with invaluable insights that can help them navigate complex emotional landscapes with greater understanding and clarity.
Through a blend of insightful discussion and actionable advice, our goal is to equip our audience with the tools necessary to not only recognize but also address and ultimately overcome emotional immaturity. By fostering a deeper understanding of these concepts, listeners can cultivate healthier connections and embark on a journey of personal growth.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 09:05 Understanding the interplay of childhood experiences, parental influence, and intergenerational impact.
13:11 Exploring the obstacles hindering parental emotional responsiveness, including mental health issues, physical illness, addiction, trauma, and bereavement.
15:39 Understanding the role of trauma in emotional immaturity: Impact, coping mechanisms, and caregiver dynamics.
19:26 The perpetuating cycle of abuse: Impact, coping strategies, and emotional stunting.
21:23 The impact of unhealthy examples and poor upbringing to emotional immaturity.
23:33 The fine line between emotional immaturity and emotional abuse.
Mentioned Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents (Lindsay Gibson link) (book)
Signs of Emotional Immaturity: How to Identify and Support People with Emotional Immaturity
4 Types Of Emotionally Immature Parents
Tronick's Still Face Experiment (YouTube video link)
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Although divorce is legally permissible and widely acknowledged in modern society, it remains burdened with significant stigma. The mere mention of it evokes palpable discomfort, as it's often viewed as a failure in a culture that emphasizes perseverance in relationships at all costs, even in the face of significant challenges.
In this episode, we challenge this narrative by exploring the necessity of maintaining divorce as an option in relationships. We delve into the profound importance of setting healthy boundaries and prioritizing individual well-being within the context of partnership. Join us as we unravel the complexities surrounding divorce, challenging listeners to consider its role in fostering healthier, more sustainable relationships.
Sharon Pope is a certified Master Life Coach, and a seven-time best-selling author on love and relationships, including "Stay or Go: How to Find the Confidence & Clarity You Need to Either Fix the Struggles in Your Marriage or Move Forward without Regret," which has sold more than 300,000 copies worldwide, and host of the podcast, "The Loving Truth." Sharon's been a guest on many podcasts and is committed to helping women and men get the tools they need to improve, heal, or release their struggling marriages.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 05:52 Sharon challenges the notion that every marriage should be salvaged at all costs.
07:56 From personal heartbreak to professional passion: Sharon's journey to relationship coaching.
10:32 Sharon reflects on her personal evolution from blaming her ex-husband to embracing self-awareness and personal growth.
12:57 Moving beyond surface efforts.
17:20 The importance of regular relationship check-ins.
21:52 The stigma and significance of divorce within relationships.
28:39 Strategies for interrupting negative patterns in communication within relationships.
38:03 Setting boundaries and timeframes for relationship evaluation.
41:40 Embracing divorce as an option for setting healthy boundaries.
Mentioned Stay or Go: How to Find the Confidence & Clarity You Need to Either Fix the Struggles in Your Marriage or Move Forward without Regret (book)
When Marriage Needs an Answer: The Decision to Fix Your Struggling Marriage or Leave Without Regret (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Connect with Sharon Pope Websites: sharonpope.com
Facebook: facebook.com/SharonPopeCoach
YouTube: youtube.com/@sharonpopecoach
Instagram: instagram.com/sharonpopecoach
TikTok: tiktok.com/@sharonpopecoach
LinkedIn: inkedin.com/in/sharon-pope-0705b28
Podcast: sharonpope.com/podcast
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Do you often feel like you're bearing the emotional burden in your relationship while your partner struggles to express their feelings and handle difficult conversations? If these dynamics sound familiar, you may be navigating the complexities of emotional immaturity in your relationship.
Welcome back to the Empowered Relationship Podcast, where we continue our exploration of emotional immaturity and its impact on relationships. If you missed part one of this multi-series, I highly recommend giving it a listen, where we explored five key characteristics of emotional immaturity.
In this episode, we're diving deeper into this topic by examining four additional characteristics. From struggles with healthy communication to difficulty engaging in hard conversations and conflicts, we'll unravel the intricacies of emotional immaturity and how it impacts intimate relationships.
Join us as we uncover valuable insights to cultivate deeper connections and intimacy with your significant other.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 9:27 Dependency and validation: Key characteristics of emotional immaturity.
13:15 Challenges of emotional engagement and relational depth in emotionally immature relationships.
20:34 Unilateral decision-making and emotional detachment.
23:00 Avoidance, defensiveness, and blame-shifting.
28:10 Communication challenges and manipulative behaviors.
Mentioned 11 Signs of Emotional Immaturity in Relationships & Ways to Deal
Signs of Emotional Immaturity
ERP 410: What Are the Signs of Emotional Immaturity in Relationship?
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
In a previous episode, discussions surrounding emotional immaturity and its genderized portrayal sparked significant interest and feedback from listeners. Responding to this engagement, today's episode marks the beginning of a comprehensive multi-part series, committed to exploring emotional immaturity in depth. The series aims to shed light on this topic without resorting to labels or diagnoses, acknowledging emotional immaturity as a developmental facet existing on a continuum.
This particular episode focuses on unraveling the concept of emotional immaturity, shedding light on its definition and key characteristics. Dr. Jessica Higgins underscores the significance of cultivating awareness as a tool for establishing realistic expectations and effectively navigating the challenges that emotional immaturity may pose in relationships.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 8:50 Defining emotional immaturity: Recognizing patterns and understanding the continuum.
9:59 Challenges in emotion regulation and stress management.
15:53 Navigating emotional impulsivity and reactivity: Outward expressions and consequences.
24:04 Exploring low frustration tolerance and rigidity in thinking.
26:24 Navigating emotional blind spots: Understanding the lack of self-awareness and empathy.
28:59 Navigating self-centric patterns.
Mentioned The Gottman Institute
ERP 390: How to Recognize Emotional Immaturity & Abuse in Relationship — An Interview with Dr. David Hawkins
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Navigating conflicts with a romantic partner can feel like an impossible challenge for many couples. Disagreements are a natural part of any long-term relationship as each individual brings a unique set of experiences, needs, and communication styles to the dynamic.
Conflicts often escalate quickly as defensiveness and hurt feelings take over, resulting in distance rather than resolution. Without tools to reframe discussions, truly listen without judgment, and repair misunderstandings, the relationship itself can be damaged over time by an accumulation of unaddressed issues.
In this episode, we offer valuable insights for effectively handling these challenges. Drawing on concepts from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we explore methods to deliberately slow down reactions and enhance self-awareness, uncovering the underlying dynamics at play. The principles of EFT guide individuals to navigate conflicts with empathy, fostering a genuine desire to fully understand their partner. Practical strategies are presented, providing a toolkit for fostering openings in challenging conversations.
Dr. Chad Imhoff is an EFT Certified Therapist, EFT Supervisor, and the director of the Arkansas EFT Community. He serves as Clinical Director of the Joshua Center, where he is also a therapist. Angela received her Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and is a Certified Life and Relationship Coach. They have a passion for helping couples have relational transformation and are devoted to seeing healing and change happen among individuals, couples, and families.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:04 The transformative journey of Dr. Chad and Angela Imhoff in relationship therapy.
17:07 The influence of attachment theory in relationship dynamics.
21:26 How appraisal theory shapes relationship dynamics.
32:22 Understanding and honoring attachment styles.
35:31 Real-life examples showing how couples continue to navigate and understand the details of their relationships over time.
49:55 Navigating relationship triggers: Transforming conflict into understanding and growth.
56:56 Advanced strategies for navigating triggers and fostering connection.
Mentioned Dr. Sue Johnson
George Faller
Dr. Ryan Rana
Success in Vulnerability
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Chad and Angela Imhoff Websites: therealimhoffs.com
Facebook: facebook.com/RealImhoffs
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCfVV6z7ni2C8MrlEX4UrP5A
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/connecting-couples/id1518876330
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Many people struggle with establishing boundaries in their close relationships due to a tendency to people-please at the expense of their own needs. This challenge often stems from early relational dynamics in childhood, leading individuals to prioritize the needs and desires of those around them over their own well-being. Worrying about disappointing or upsetting others can make it difficult to assert one’s boundaries, as well as to engage in topics of conversation where there is conflict or disagreement.
In this episode, we explore the pervasive impact of people-pleasing behaviors on the relationship. Dr. Dana McNeil and Dr. Jessica Higgins offer actionable guidance for overcoming this challenge by addressing how to; recognize people-pleasing behaviors, understand the importance of boundaries, effectively communicate needs to partners, and negotiate differences in a way that fosters greater intimacy and understanding between partners. The discussion provides practical exercises and examples that can help listeners develop healthier relationship patterns centered around mutual care, respect, and fulfillment for both individuals.
Dr. Dana McNeil is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of The Relationship Place, a group practice located in her hometown, San Diego, California. Dr. Dana’s practice specializes in relationship therapy and utilizes an evidence-based type of couples therapy known as the Gottman Method. Dr. Dana is a certified Gottman Method therapist and Doctor of Psychology. She also leads training at the Gottman Institute to help clinicians master the art of couples therapy.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 5:10 Dr. Dana McNeil’s journey to therapeutic practice.
13:30 People-pleasing: Highlighting the challenges it poses in expressing needs and setting healthy boundaries.
20:25 Practical ways to identify and communicate personal needs, especially for individuals struggling with people-pleasing tendencies.
26:48 Building stronger relationships through open communication and honesty.
32:55 Setting boundaries, embracing vulnerability, and overcoming people-pleasing.
39:40 Embracing differences and talking through challenges.
Mentioned D-Spot Conversations: Navigating Today’s Complicated Relationships (download link)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Hendricks Institute
The Gottman Institute
ERP 269: How to Break Free from the Nice Guy Syndrome That Is Holding You Back – An Interview with Dr.Robert Glover
ERP 323: One of the Most Important Relationship Skills – Being Relational — An Interview with Terry Real
Connect with Dr. Dana McNeil Websites: danamcneil.com | sdrelationshipplace.com | dspotpodcast.com
Facebook: facebook.com/DrDanaMcNeil | facebook.com/sdrelationshipplace
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCTiGMC8VeLRMFl8FN9MYFSg | youtube.com/@dspotpodcast/videos
Instagram: instagram.com/drdanamcneil | instagram.com/sdrelationshipplace | instagram.com/dspotpodcast
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/dr-dana-mcneil
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-d-spot/id1629708409 (Apple Podcast link)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
The hookup culture is a societal shift characterized by casual, short-term sexual engagements, highlighting a reluctance to commit to long-term relationships. This cultural phenomenon, especially prevalent among young adults and college students, poses challenges rooted in an insufficient understanding of the physiological and emotional aspects involved. The immediate pursuit of pleasure, combined with societal expectations, frequently results in miscommunication, unmet expectations, and emotional turmoil, reshaping the dynamics of modern relationships.
In this episode, Dr. Joe Malone and Dr. Jessica Higgins share valuable insights and actionable steps to navigate this complex landscape, providing a nuanced perspective on fostering healthier connections amid the complexities of contemporary dating norms. Join us as we unpack the intricacies of the hookup culture and discover strategies to cultivate more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.
Dr. Joe Malone, The Sexual Integrity Scientist. holds a Ph.D. in Health and Human Performance with a minor in neuropsychology and a specialization in women’s health and sexual wellness. He taught at Middle Tennessee State University from 2005-2017 and has guest lectured at Vanderbilt and Princeton as well as other major universities. He’s the author of Battle of the Sexes: Raising Sexual IQ to Lower Sexual Conflict and Empower Lasting Love.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 5:40 From fitness to sexual wellness advocacy: Dr. Joe Malone’s profound journey and insights into hookup culture.
13:46 The impact of technology on hookup culture and the quest for genuine connection.
22:10 The desires and challenges of young men in building meaningful relationships.
26:52 Dr. Joe Malone advocates for the vital role of marriage in young men’s lives.
34:56 The challenges young individuals face in understanding their sexual desires amid prevalent societal messages.
39:04 Exploring the influence of testosterone and oxytocin on sexual thoughts and bonding.
40:58 Empowering women to redefine relationship standards and prioritize quality over quantity.
47:23 Balancing tradition and individual expression in contemporary contexts.
Mentioned Battles of the Sexes: Raising Sexual IQ to Lower Sexual Conflict and Empower Lasting Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Connect with Dr. Joe Malone Websites: drjoemalone.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
According to research, in 39% of households, women contribute equally or more to the income compared to men. This transformation, while positive, marks a significant shift from traditional gender roles and poses a unique challenge when both partners are engaged in the workforce.
Historically, women often assumed the role of stay-at-home moms, responsible for all household chores. Women raised in such settings encounter the challenge of harmonizing these deeply rooted expectations with the pressures of a thriving career. As a result, the need to redefine the concept of a successful mother and wife becomes crucial, calling for collaborative endeavors from both spouses.
In this episode, we explore strategies and insights aimed at addressing this dynamic, guiding couples through the process of redefining gender roles and fostering mutual understanding.
Brian Page is the founder of Modern Husbands. He shares ideas on managing money and the home as a team. He is a former Milken National Educator of the Year, CNN Money Hero, and Working Group Member of President Obama’s Advisory Council on Financial Capability. He consulted for state governments, universities, and various nonprofits.
He served a one-year term as a Visiting Scholar at the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau in the Office of Financial Education.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 4:26 Brian Paige’s personal journey into redefining relationship dynamics.
10:28 Navigating the learning curve: Redefining roles and managing mental load in modern relationships.
17:20 Streamlining life: Outsourcing, automating, and systematizing for reduced cognitive load in relationships.
21:14 Navigating division of labor and money in relationships
34:05 Striving for equitable leisure.
31:41 The power of regular household business meetings.
37:19 Empowering marriages with valuable resources: The modern husband's toolkit.
39:34 The significance of understanding the deep-seated beliefs and potential traumas that influence a partner's financial decisions.
Mentioned Transition to Marriage Toolkit (course)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Brian Page Websites: modernhusbands.com
Facebook: facebook.com/modernhusbands
Twitter: twitter.com/ModernHusbands
YouTube: youtube.com/@ModernHusbands
Instagram: instagram.com/modernhusband
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/company/modernhusbands
Podcast: modernhusbands.com/podcasts
Newsletter: modernhusbands.com/newsletter
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
In the previous episode, we delved into the intricacies of navigating challenging relationships with in-laws, particularly amidst the holiday season. We discussed valuable insights on emotional regulation and proactive communication.
Now, in part two, Dr. Jessica Higgins further explores the multifaceted nature of conflicts and disparities that can arise in these relationships. Drawing from client cases and personal anecdotes, she illuminates common challenges encountered.
In this episode, Dr. Higgins focuses on three key areas related to privacy within the context of in-law relationships. The overarching theme is the crucial need for partners to align their perspectives and establish a shared understanding, especially when it comes to issues like proximity, boundaries, and the level of disclosure within the extended family.
If you haven't listened to part one of this series, I recommend that you do. You'll find the link below.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode 9:32 Navigating the delicate balance of privacy in in-law relationships.
13:13 Navigating differences in food etiquette with in-laws.
16:03 Navigating challenges of inclusion in family conversations.
19:06 Balancing time spent with in-laws.
20:14 Decision-making dynamics: Navigating influence and power in family interactions.
22:54 Navigating grandparental involvement in parenting: Balancing resources and boundaries.
30:24 Cultivating compassion and setting realistic expectations in in-law relationships
34:01 Self-care strategies for setting boundaries in family dynamics.
39:54 Cultivating generosity and kindness in family dynamics.
Mentioned Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
ERP 404: How to Manage Relationships with In-Laws More Effectively — Part One
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
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Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Navigating relationships with in-laws is often a subtle journey filled with its unique set of challenges, and it's a topic that has generated numerous requests from our audience. As we find ourselves on the brink of the holiday season, these challenges may become more pronounced, making it an opportune time to address the intricacies of managing relationships with in-laws.
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins provides actionable insights and practical tips to empower listeners in navigating these relationships more effectively. Whether you're grappling with strained connections, seeking strategies for smoother communication, or simply aiming to enhance understanding within the family unit, this episode is for you.
Join us as we explore the nuances of in-law interactions, offering valuable perspectives to help you approach these dynamics with intention and foster healthier connections within your family circle.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode 4:07 Navigating challenging relationships with in-laws during the holiday season.
8:49 A reflective inventory and setting realistic goals.
13:03 Relationship milestones, family expectations, and cultural considerations.
20:33 The influence of family structure on in-law relationships and the vital role of consensus in marital success.
25:56 A gentle approach to discussing challenges and setting healthy boundaries.
34:59 Tips for emotional regulation and proactive communication.
Mentioned You Aren’t as Close to my Family as You Think: Discordant Perceptions about In-laws and Risk of Divorce (*NCBI link) (research)
Marriage and In-Laws: Factors Influencing Marital Stability (*Adelphi University link) (research)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Spendthrifts and tightwads represent opposite ends of the financial spectrum. A spendthrift tends to be more liberal with spending, often embracing a carefree attitude toward financial matters. On the other hand, a tightwad tends to be more frugal, prioritizing saving and cautious spending. Navigating these distinct financial personalities can pose challenges in a partnership, requiring thoughtful communication, compromise, and understanding to create a balanced and harmonious approach to shared finances.
In this episode, we delve into the intricacies of these differing financial approaches, offering actionable strategies to foster collaboration between spendthrifts and tightwads. From exploring joint accounts with individual freedoms to deciphering the art of thoughtful gift-giving beyond monetary values, the conversation provides practical insights. By emphasizing the delicate balance between shared financial goals and individual autonomy, the episode aims to equip couples with tangible steps to navigate the complexities of money matters. Tune in for valuable guidance on building financial harmony and strengthening communication in relationships marked by diverse spending tendencies.
Dr. Scott Rick is the author of Tightwads and Spendthrifts: Navigating the Money Minefield in Real Relationships. He is a marketing professor at the University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business and holds a PhD in Behavioral Decision Research from Carnegie Mellon, where he was a National Science Foundation graduate research fellow. His research on consumer behavior has been covered in outlets such as The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal. He has published in premier journals spanning marketing, psychology, and economics.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 5:49 Scott Rick’s journey into exploring spending orientations shaped by spendthrift influences.
10:17 Navigating the dynamics of tightwads and spendthrifts in relationships: Understanding protective strategies and attraction.
20:18 Financial continuums, tensions, and the concept of financial translucency.
26:05 Balancing financial transparency: Navigating autonomy, trust, and communal approaches in relationships.
36:19 Unlocking the art of gift-giving: Thoughtful gestures, sacrifice, and relationship enrichment.
Mentioned Tightwads and Spendthrifts: Navigating the Money Minefield in Real Relationships (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The 36 Questions That Lead to Love (*The New York Times link)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Scott Rick Websites: scottrick.com
Twitter: twitter.com/scottianrick
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/scottianrick
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Embarking on a journey of profound spiritual exploration, particularly through plant medicine, can be a transformative endeavor. However, with the promise of self-discovery comes the responsibility of navigating these realms with caution.
In this episode, we delve into the potential pitfalls of venturing into the depths of spiritual work, offering cautionary insights to those considering or already immersed in plant medicine journeys. A wealth of knowledge and experiences are brought to light, highlighting the risks linked to inexperienced facilitators and emphasizing the significance of traditional shamanic practices. Offering practical tips for a safer and more intentional approach, this episode aims to empower listeners on their spiritual quests, fostering a sense of awareness and responsibility in the pursuit of profound personal growth.
Megan and Nicole Michelena are Microdosing Institute-certified mental health experts specializing in psychedelic medicine. They are known as the @zenchronicity_sisters and are the co-founders of Zenchronicity, a plant medicine microdosing mentorship program that supports healing through psilocybin mushrooms. Megan is also a certified holistic nutritionist and health coach, and both are trauma-informed yoga teachers and experts in psychedelic medicine. They are also precious stone jewelry makers and crystal experts, and Megan is a gifted astrologer.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:07 Navigating the terrain of plant medicine: Insights and considerations with Dr. Jessica Higgins.
12:55 Journey to mastery: The zen chronicity sisters on plant medicine, healing, and self-discovery.
18:51 Nicole’s perspective on plant medicine and the inner journey to transformation.
29:29 Navigating microdosing and plant medicine with Zen Chronicity.
39:38 How psilocybin softens neuroplasticity and transforms consciousness.
43:40 Balancing energies: Navigating the dance of masculine and feminine in psychedelic healing.
55:52 Integrating plant medicine with traditional shamanic wisdom.
1:08:03 Practical tips for safe and transformative plant medicine experiences.
Mentioned Zenchronicity Podcast (*Apple podcast link)
Plants of the Gods (*Apple podcast link)
Transaction Analysis by Eric Berne
Hamilton Morris (*Wikipedia article)
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 305: The Surprising & Powerful Benefits of Learning to Tolerate Discomfort — An Interview with Dr. Anna Lembke (podcast episode)
ERP 346: Accessing Relatedness & the Priority of Connection — An Interview with Gabriel Kram (podcast episode)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Nicole & Megan Michelena Websites: zenchronicity222.com
Instagram: instagram.com/zenchronicity_podcast | instagram.com/zenchronicity_sisters
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
The impact of sexual trauma on survivors often leaves a lasting imprint on both their emotional and physical well-being. Alongside grappling with feelings of fear, anger, and sadness, the trauma may be unconsciously stored in the body and unexpectedly reexperienced through somatic triggers during intimate moments. This can undermine a survivor's sense of safety, trust in others, and ability to freely experience closeness.
In this episode, we delve into an often unexplored topic of relationships—navigating the intricate terrain of supporting a partner who has endured sexual trauma. The episode not only sheds light on the challenges faced but also presents practical steps, fostering a sense of hope and connection for both survivors and their partners. Join us as we explore the profound impact of trauma on intimacy and how intentional, informed efforts can contribute to healing and strengthen the bonds within these relationships.
Megan Lara Negendank, LMFT, CST, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a certified sex therapist. She is the founder of Love Heal Grow, a relationship therapy center in Northern California where she specializes in trauma-informed, relationship-focused psychotherapy for survivors of trauma and their partners. She has been featured as a relationship expert on PBS, NPR, and in Sacramento Magazine.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 5:15 Megan Negendank’s mission to support survivors and partners through trauma-informed therapy.
9:49 Navigating the complexity of survivor experiences and partner support in the realm of sexual trauma.
17:02 Coping mechanisms, trust challenges, and partner support in sexual trauma recovery.
22:37 Communication, consent, and partner self-compassion in the aftermath of sexual trauma.
32:55 Building bridges to stability: Navigating trauma in relationships through co-regulation and secure functioning.
Mentioned Loving Someone Who Has Sexual Trauma: A Compassionate Guide to Supporting Your Partner and Improving Your Relationship (The New Harbinger Loving Someone Series) (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Connect with Megan Negendank Websites: lovehealgrow.com
Instagram: instagram.com/megan.lovehealgrow
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
The holiday season traditionally beckons gatherings with loved ones, friends, and family, often involving travel to reunite with those we haven't seen in a while. While these occasions can be overwhelmingly positive, the nuances of family and relationship dynamics often introduce challenges.
In this episode, we delve into the common tendencies of complaining, comparing, and criticizing, which can disrupt the joyous spirit of gatherings. We delve into insightful strategies to pivot away from these unproductive habits, offering practical solutions for a more positive and enriching experience. By exploring the three P's—pride, pleasure, and purpose—listeners are guided on a journey toward fostering deeper connections during festive occasions, enhancing the quality of interactions with loved ones, and ultimately cultivating a path to greater happiness.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode 5:29 The impact of holiday gatherings on our mental tendencies.
9:18 Negative thought patterns and their impact on relationships.
15:52 Applying Gottman’s 5:1 ratio to strengthen connections in every relationship.
23:34 The impact of negative behaviors on relationships.
32:09 Cultivating happiness through connection and purpose.
Unpacking the Three C's First, let's clarify the three C's to avoid.
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Comparing We often find ourselves anticipating comparisons, preparing to evaluate and rank ourselves, and engaging in a subtle one-up/one-down competition. Measures of Success:
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Career Achievements (promotions)
- Health and Fitness (body weight)
- Financial Status
- Attractiveness and Beauty (aging, wrinkles, clothing, hair)
- Knowledge (current events, politics)
- Social Engagements (events attended, people met)
- Fun (recreational activities, trips, etc.)
All these aspects contribute to an individual's sense of meaning, purpose, and pride. However, when the intention is to impress or compete to feel superior, it can lead to putting oneself above others, inadvertently diminishing their value. Antidote: Practice expressing appreciation and gratitude for oneself, aiming for a list of 10 appreciations as a countermeasure.
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Complaining Expressing challenges is a natural way to seek attention and understanding, often as an attempt to bond with others who can relate to hardships. However, dwelling on difficulties, akin to sharing war stories, provides limited satisfaction in connecting. Antidote: Counteracting complaints involves identifying at least 10 positive aspects overlooked in the situation, fostering a more optimistic perspective.
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Criticizing Judging someone's behavior, especially in family or friendship dynamics, can stem from underlying longings, needs, or vulnerabilities, with limited potential for change compared to romantic relationships. Antidote: If change seems unlikely, self-support involves addressing personal needs and longings through alternative means or advocating for oneself, including setting boundaries. Additionally, acknowledging 10 positive qualities or attributes the person brings to your life can help shift the focus away from criticism.
The Negative Effects of the 3 C’s
- Diminished Self-Esteem: Engaging in constant comparison and criticism can lead to feelings of inadequacy, lower self-worth, and diminished self-esteem.
- Strained Relationships: Continuous criticism and complaining can put strain on relationships, eroding trust, creating tension, and reducing the overall sense of safety and satisfaction.
- Dissatisfaction in Interactions: The repetitive nature of the 3 C's can leave interactions feeling less meaningful and satisfying, contributing to a sense of dissatisfaction.
- Avoidance and Disconnection: Over time, the cumulative effect of the 3 C's may lead to avoidance of certain individuals or a decrease in engagement, negatively impacting the connection in relationships.
- Missed Opportunities for Growth: Focusing on the negative aspects may lead to missed opportunities for personal and relational growth, hindering the exploration of positive and enriching experiences.
- Draining Interactions: Engaging in the 3 C's can be emotionally draining, both for oneself and others, as the emphasis on negativity outweighs the potential for positive and uplifting interactions.
- Empowerment and Blame Cycle: The cycle of blame, competition, and one-upmanship perpetuated by the 3 C's can create a disempowered mindset, hindering the celebration of others and fostering deeper connections.
- Lack of Meaning and Significance: Constant comparison and criticism may lead to a focus on surface-level attributes, overshadowing the potential for deeper connections and the meaningful aspects of relationships.
The 3 P’s of Happiness Now that we've explored the challenges posed by the three C's, let's shift our focus to the transformative power of the three P's.
The concept of the three P's — Pride, Purpose, and Pleasure — draws inspiration from Blue Zone research, examining communities globally recognized for longevity and well-being. Here are actionable strategies aligned with the three P's to foster a balanced and fulfilling life:
- Pride: * Build Community Bonds: Connect with your community, nurturing positive relationships for a heightened sense of belonging and pride.
- Embrace Traditions: Celebrate cultural or community traditions to strengthen your connection to heritage and foster pride.
- Achieve Personal Goals: Pursue goals aligned with your values, cultivating a sense of pride and satisfaction.
-
Share Your Successes: Acknowledge and share your accomplishments, reinforcing a positive sense of pride.
-
Purpose: * Discover Your Ikigai: Explore your 'ikigai,' finding purpose at the intersection of passion, skill, societal need, and earning potential.
- Volunteer and Give Back: Contribute to causes aligned with your values, experiencing purpose through meaningful engagement.
- Set Long-Term Goals: Establish enduring goals reflecting your passions and values for a sense of purpose.
-
Reflect on Core Values: Regularly align actions with core values, providing direction and purpose in life.
-
Pleasure: * Prioritize Social Bonds: Cultivate meaningful relationships with friends and family, crucial for overall happiness.
- Opt for Balanced Nutrition: Enjoy a varied, nutritious diet in moderation for physical and mental well-being.
- Incorporate Physical Activity: Integrate joyful exercises like walking or dancing into daily routines.
- Practice Mindfulness: Dedicate time to mindfulness practices, enhancing the enjoyment of the present moment.
- Embrace Nature: Spend time outdoors, connecting with nature for increased pleasure and well-being.
- Cultivate Hobbies: Engage in passion-driven activities, such as art or gardening, for a more pleasurable life.
By integrating these strategies, you can elevate your overall well-being, embracing the principles of Pride, Purpose, and Pleasure observed in Blue Zone communities.
Mentioned The Magic Ratio: The Key to Relationship Satisfaction
Blue Zones of Happiness, The: Lessons From the World's Happiest People (The Blue Zones) (*Amazon affiliate link) (book)
25 Days To Strengthening Your Love Through Kindness (free guide link)
ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love (podcast episode)
ERP 128: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Two (podcast episode)
ERP 129: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Three (podcast episode)
ERP 130: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Four (podcast episode)
ERP 130: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Five (podcast episode)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Entrusting our happiness to others implies depending on external validation or circumstances to feel content, fulfilled, or complete. Instead of finding intrinsic sources of joy and fulfillment within ourselves, we place the responsibility for our happiness on external influences. This reliance on external factors, especially in relationships, may result in emotional vulnerability and fragile self-esteem.
In this episode, we explore the complexities of self-discovery and healing within relationships, delving into the significance of inner child work and its impact on our emotional well-being. We discuss the challenges of embracing vulnerability, acknowledging our shadows, and breaking free from the patterns that hinder personal growth. The conversation highlights the role of self-love and acceptance in fostering healthier connections with ourselves and others, emphasizing the importance of authenticity and genuine expression in our journey toward fulfillment.
Deb Blum is a visionary leader and the founder of The Whole Soul Way, a transformational program dedicated to empowering women on their journey toward self-discovery and authentic expression. Through her step-by-step process, Deb helps self-led, do-it-all women break free from fear, conditioning, and external expectations, enabling them to express themselves fully, therefore creating more success, emotionally fulfilling relationships, happiness, and inner peace without losing their edge or disrupting the lives they've worked so hard to create.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 5:59 Introducing Deb Blum and her transformative program dedicated to empowering women through self-discovery.
11:17 Unveiling unconscious behaviors: Exploring tendencies to criticize, blame, or project onto others.
19:02 Deb Blum recounts how the pressure of motherhood and a desire for control brought projecting tendencies to light, leading to insights about her expectations and relationship dynamics.
28:41 Navigating identity attachments: Embracing the complexity of the human condition.
33:20 Unveiling the energy dynamics of repression and embracing the multifaceted human experience.
46:03 Nurturing wholeness through reparenting: The transformative journey.
51:48 The significance of overcoming defensiveness and creating space for genuine dialogue.
57:07 Support and resources.
Mentioned The Whole Soul Way (*program sales page)
Out of the Shadows: A Shadow Work Starter Kit (*free resources)
Do-It-All Inner Power Animal Quiz (*quiz)
ERP 174: How to Experience More Love in Your Relationship With Byron Katie
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Deb Blum Websites: thewholesoulway.com
Facebook: facebook.com/DebBlumOfficial
YouTube: youtube.com/debblumnow
Instagram: instagram.com/debblum
TikTok: tiktok.com/@deb.blum
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/debblum
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
In a society that highly values individual achievements and personal pursuits, the dynamics of maintaining emotional closeness within relationships undergo a subtle but significant transformation. Emphasizing autonomy, self-expression, and personal goal pursuit, societal norms shape how individuals navigate connections.
In this episode, we explore the nuanced dynamics of emotional intimacy within the context of contemporary societal norms that often prioritize individual pursuits. The discussion delves into the delicate interplay between autonomy and togetherness, shedding light on the challenges individuals face in maintaining meaningful connections while pursuing personal goals. The impact of trauma on relationships is unpacked, highlighting the complexities of healing in the realm of emotional closeness.
Join us as we navigate the fine line between independence and the inherent desire for emotional proximity, unraveling the secrets to fostering meaningful connections in a culture that champions individuality.
Dr. St John is a psychotherapist, somatic fluid movement and meditation educator, and author of “Healing the Wounds of Childhood and Culture: An Adventure of a Lifetime”. He overcame severe childhood trauma and has engaged in the healing process both personally and professionally for 60 years.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 5:09 From brokenness to healing: Dr. Don St John’s personal and professional journey.
11:30 The coherence model: Balancing freedom and cohesion in intimate relationships.
14:56 The importance of embracing both closeness and independence in a relationship.
27:09 Navigating change, personal growth, and cultural shifts.
32:47 Shifting from individual identity to cooperative connection.
50:06 Additional resources and information.
Mentioned Healing the Wounds of Childhood and Culture: An Adventure of a Lifetime (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: 30th Anniversary Edition (The Covey Habits Series) (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
ERP 348: Access Intraconnection for Well-Being — An Interview with Dr. Daniel Siegel
Connect with Dr. Don St John Websites: pathsofconnection.com
Facebook: facebook.com/don.s.john.90
Instagram: instagram.com/drdonstjohn
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/don-st-john-36636a55
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Grief is a deeply personal and often challenging emotional journey, one that can take on countless forms and manifest in diverse ways. When couples endure such heart-wrenching moments, they often discover that they grieve differently, which can strain their relationships. This can create a profound and sometimes bewildering disconnect in the relationship, leading to feelings of isolation, frustration, and confusion.
In this enlightening conversation, we delve into the complexities of grieving differently as a couple and explore valuable insights to help couples maintain and enhance their connections during these trying times. By recognizing the individuality of each person's grief, fostering open and honest communication, and seeking external support when necessary, couples can discover meaningful ways to journey through their mourning together, strengthening their emotional bonds in the process.
Kelly Cervantes is an award-winning writer, speaker, and advocate best known for her blog Inchstones. She is the immediate past board chair for the nonprofit CURE Epilepsy and also hosts their biweekly podcast, Seizing Life. Kelly currently resides in Maplewood, NJ, with her husband, Miguel Cervantes currently starring in Hamilton on Broadway, their children, and two dogs, Tabasco and Sriracha. Her book Normal Broken: The Grief Companion For When It’s Time to Heal But You’re Not Sure You Want To.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 5:28 Kelly Cervantes’ grief journey and its impact on relationships.
17:17 The importance of open communication and managing expectations.
21:12 The evolving nature of grief in relationships: Communication, acceptance, and moments of connection.
27:59 Navigating connection and intimacy amidst grief: The impact of a pandemic and prior experiences.
39:29 The significance of seeking and accepting support during the grieving process.
45:28 Creating shared meaning in grief: Finding moments of connection and support.
Mentioned Normal Broken: The Grief Companion for When It's Time to Heal but You're Not Sure You Want To (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Grief Refuge (download link) (app)
Center for Loss & Life Transition
Connect with Kelly Cervantes Websites: kellycervantes.com
Facebook: facebook.com/kellygc411
Twitter: twitter.com/KellyGC411
Instagram: instagram.com/kellygc411
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kelly-cervantes-6b3a7ba
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/seizing-life/id1450310889
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Are you tired of sifting through an endless sea of relationship advice, much of which seems more unhelpful than beneficial? We're often bombarded with well-intentioned but sometimes misguided advice. You've likely heard phrases like "never go to bed angry" or "love will conquer all," but do these sayings truly hold the key to a thriving, enduring partnership?
In this episode, we'll explore the common cliches and one-size-fits-all solutions that sound good in theory but often fall short in practice. Discover the art of de-escalating conflicts, the power of emotional vocabulary, and how to recognize unhelpful advice that may be holding you back from deeper intimacy. If you're seeking to transform your understanding of relationships, this episode will empower you to question the common myths and embrace a more profound, lasting connection.
Zach Brittle is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC), a Certified Gottman Therapist (CGT), and a Certified Relational Life Therapist (RLT). He serves as the founder and co-host of Marriage Therapy Radio and has authored the best-selling relationship guide "The Relationship Alphabet" and the Marriage Therapy Journal. His marriage to Rebecca has been a source of happiness for 24 out of 26 years, with the 8th and 18th years proving to be rather challenging. They live in Seattle with their two adulting daughters.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 4:55 A peek into Zach’s journey: His work, podcast, and personal life.
9:21 Zack’s unique approach to therapy.
14:23 Debunking the myth: “Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint”
19:20 The influence of language on behavior and choices within relationships.
26:33 Deconstructing defensiveness and criticism: An approach to authentic communication.
29:45 Challenging unhelpful relationship advice.
33:43 The importance of de-escalation and repair in conflict.
40:47 Connect with Zach Brittle and marriage therapy radio.
Mentioned Marriage Therapy Radio (*Apple Podcast link)
Marriage Therapy Journal (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Relationship Alphabet: A Practical Guide to Better Connection for Couples (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 344: How Our Language Can Steer & Shape Our Relationships — An Interview with Dr. Georgi Gardiner
ERP 058: Beyond the Wedding. What Is Marriage Really Like?
Connect with Zach Brittle Websites: zachbrittle.com
Facebook: facebook.com/marriagetherapyradio
TikTok: tiktok.com/@marriagetherapyradio
Instagram: instagram.com/marriagetherapyradio/?hl=en
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
In recent years, the rise of the celebrated "mommy wine" culture has given rise to a pressing issue that provides a deceptively innocent escape for mothers. Yet beneath the surface, many mothers find themselves entangled in a web of excessive alcohol consumption that negatively affects their lives and relationships.
In this episode, Celeste Yvonne and Dr. Jessica Higgins delve into the challenging dynamics faced by couples when one partner decides to embrace sobriety while the other continues to drink. We explore the isolation and emotional strain often experienced by those navigating this complex terrain. The discussion offers actionable steps and resources to help couples communicate effectively, set boundaries, and ultimately find a path to understanding and connection amid the complexities of one partner's journey toward sobriety.
Sober mom advocate, Celeste Yvonne, is a writer and certified recovery coach (IAPRC) with over 20 years of experience as a communications professional in corporate America. Over five years sober and a founding host of the Sober Mom Squad, Celeste advocates for mothers who struggle with addiction and mental health.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 3:20 Celeste Yvonne’s journey from corporate professional to sobriety advocate.
8:08 Understanding the emotional impact of substance use in motherhood.
15:48 Honest conversations and support in navigating alcoholism and recovery.
20:54 The power of community in sobriety: Overcoming loneliness and isolation.
25:23 Strategies for addressing problematic drinking within relationships.
32:16 Creating empathetic conversations and finding support in challenging relationships.
48:27 Support for moms: Breaking free from the mommy wine culture.
Mentioned It's Not About the Wine: The Loaded Truth Behind Mommy Wine Culture (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Connect with Celeste Yvonne Websites: celesteyvonne.substack.com | sobermomsquad.com
Facebook: facebook.com/sobermomsquad
Instagram: instagram.com/theultimatemomchallenge | instagram.com/sobermomsquad
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Are you finding it difficult to communicate your emotional needs in your relationship, leaving you and your partner feeling like you're speaking different emotional languages? Sad to say, you are not alone in this struggle. Many individuals face the challenge of effectively expressing their emotional desires to their loved ones.
In this enlightening conversation, we delve into this very issue and explore actionable steps to improve your communication and connection. From recognizing emotional triggers to embracing self-soothing techniques, you'll discover how to build an environment of safety and openness in your relationship. Join us as we unravel the secrets to clearer communication and a deeper emotional connection.
Dr. Laura Louis, author of "Marital Peace," is a Licensed Psychologist with a Ph.D. from Howard University's APA-accredited Counseling Psychology Program. With over 10 years of experience in the field, she specializes in multicultural and couples counseling. Her expertise includes increasing intimacy, rebuilding trust post-infidelity, and enhancing communication skills. Dr. Louis also addresses various clinical issues, offers career counseling, and aids in acculturation for immigrants. Her background spans diverse settings, from psychiatric hospitals to elementary schools, where she focuses on improving sleep and stress management for individuals and organizations.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 4:17 Introducing Dr. Laura Louis: A multifaceted expert in relationship counseling.
7:05 The foundation of expressing emotional needs.
15:02 Various factors that can unconsciously interfere with our ability to Express emotional needs.
22:13 A step-by-step approach to expressing emotional needs.
29:35 Navigating emotional risks in communication.
39:08 Practical aspects of recognizing emotional triggers and self-soothing techniques.
Mentioned Marital Peace (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Laura Louis Websites: atlantacoupletherapy.com
Facebook: facebook.com/AtlantaCoupleTherapy | facebook.com/groups/BlackMarriageMattersOfficial (*group)
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCh2I0xywV8TuKM9xs4yqh2g
Instagram: instagram.com/dr.lauralouis
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Power struggle is a phase in a relationship where couples face heightened awareness of their differences, needs, and unmet expectations. It represents a shift from the initial romantic honeymoon stage to a stage where partners become more aware of each other's flaws and unresolved issues. This stage is marked by emotional turbulence and communication breakdowns as couples navigate the complexities of their evolving connection. However, it's also seen as an opportunity for growth and transformation if approached with conscious effort and relationship skills.
In this episode, we explore dynamic strategies and practical tools to help couples overcome challenges in their relationship and foster a more peaceful, loving connection. Discover how to determine which stage your relationship is in, prioritize emotional safety, communicate with empathy, and deepen your mutual understanding. Join us as we discuss practical steps to strengthen your relationship and establish a robust foundation for lasting love and harmony.
Shan is an Imago Couples Therapist and Relationship Expert. She helps professional couples on the brink of divorce finally find peace in their relationship and put their wedding rings back on. She's authored the book "From Power Struggle to Peaceful Couple". Shan's on a mission to stop couples settling for unhappy relationships that drain their energy because she believes great relationships are the foundation for a great life. Shan works globally from England.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 3:52 Shan’s journey: From romantic dreams to relationship expertise.
14:08 Understanding and navigating the power struggle in relationships.
22:08 Embracing conflict as nature’s savage gifts in the power struggle.
26:36 Emotional safety and communication in a relationship.
34:47 The imago dialogue: A structured path to safe and effective communication in relationships.
38:02 Using dialogue to improve communication in relationships.
45:13 Improving communication in relationships through empathy and respect.
Mentioned Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Imago Relationship Therapy
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
ERP 138: The Most Critical Ingredient for Relationship Success With Dr. Harville Hendrix & Dr. Helen Lakelly Hunt
ERP 303: How to Create Safe Conversations — An Interview with Drs. Harville Hendrix & Helen Lakelly Hunt
Connect with Shan Merchant Websites: shanmerchant.com
Facebook: facebook.com/shannon.merchant.3
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/shan-merchant-couples-therapist-dating-relationships
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
In relationships, conflicts and disputes are virtually inevitable. However, it's not the presence of conflict that threatens our connections, but rather the way we react to it. Often, when tensions arise, our reactions can become automatic, triggering emotional patterns that can escalate discord and disrupt intimacy. Many times, these reactive patterns stem from our early life experiences and can profoundly affect our relationships, making it essential to understand and address them.
In this illuminating discussion, we explore a revolutionary method for addressing these deeply ingrained patterns. Discover how to identify, take ownership of, deconstruct, and reconstruct these patterns, ultimately gaining the ability to convert conflicts into chances for personal development, enhanced connections, and heightened intimacy within our relationships.
Join us as we explore practical strategies for minimizing reactive patterns in our relationships, and promoting healthier and more empowered connections.
Adele Spraggon is an award-winning author, thought leader, international trainer, and a fearless speaker. She has been awarded the 2020 Woman of Inspiration Award and in 2021 she was recognized as the Top Behavioural Expert of the Year.
Drawing on the most recent findings in brain research, along with inspiring stories of breakthroughs and triumphs from her coaching clients, Adele demonstrates that no matter how conflicted a relationship is there is a way to fall in love again by learning how to identify and upgrade your brain patterning.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode 3:18 Introduction to Adele Spraggon's distinctive method for rewiring brain patterns.
15: 44 Addressing the root cause: From software patches to hardware rewiring.
19:55 Cultivating compassion and understanding through repatterning
24:34 The role of deconstruction in rewiring the brain.
27:47 Navigating the unknown: Overcoming fear and embracing vulnerability.
33:09 The four-week repatterning process: Building awareness and trust.
38:22 Creating a new pattern: The secret to conflict-free change.
44:48 Healing childhood wounds and transforming relationships.
49:09 Resources for personal growth.
Mentioned SHIFT: 4 Steps to Personal Empowerment (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Increase Relationship Skills (survey)
Connect with Adele Spraggon Websites: adelespraggon.com
Facebook: facebook.com/adele.spraggon | facebook.com/AdeleSpraggonRepatternist
Twitter: twitter.com/AdeleSpraggon
YouTube: youtube.com/@AdeleSpraggon
Instagram: instagram.com/adelespraggon/?hl=en
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/adelespraggon
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Dominant and submissive roles within relationships have always carried an air of mystique and intrigue. Yet, more often than not, these roles are shrouded in misunderstanding, creating confusion and misconceptions that can leave couples navigating uncharted waters. In the intricate dance of intimacy, it's easy to fall prey to preconceived notions, equating dominance with control or submission with passivity.
In this episode, we delve into these intricate roles, unraveling the complexities and unveiling the truths that lie beneath the surface. By addressing common misconceptions and offering actionable insights, we hope to illuminate the path for couples seeking to understand and embrace these roles in their relationships. Through a deeper comprehension of the interplay between dominance and submission, couples can cultivate a more authentic, harmonious, and fulfilling connection with one another. Join us as we embark on a journey to demystify these roles and pave the way for healthier, more profound relationships.
Chris M. Lyon is a relationship expert and coach certified in applied neuroscience and brain health. She is the author of “Leading and Supportive Love: The Truth About Dominant and Submissive Relationships”. She developed L/s (Leading/supportive) Types that define common behavioral patterns exhibited by many couples. Lyon has coached thousands through crisis, trauma, and leadership for over two decades. She’s been featured in various media and teaches online courses at coachlyon.com.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode 5:32 Exploring Chris Lyons motivation behind the interest in dominant and submissive relationship dynamics.
7:58 Misconceptions and stereotypes surrounding dominant and submissive relationships.
14:51 The consequences of mismatched roles in daily interactions within dominant and submissive relationships.
18:39 Understanding relationship orientation on a spectrum.
24:10 Exploring attraction and cultural messages in relationship roles.
30:32 Trust, leadership, and the role of vetting in dominant-submissive relationships.
36:48 Navigating dominance: From skill development to cultural influences.
42:03 The interplay between dominance and submission in kink and relationships.
44:34 Addressing the issue of mismatched relationships.
50:26 Embracing authenticity in dominant and submissive relationships.
Mentioned Leading and Supportive Love: The Truth About Dominant and Submissive Relationships (*Amazon Affiliate link) (audiobook)
Leading and Supportive Love: The Truth About Dominant and Submissive Relationships (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
D/s Relationship Masterclass Collection
Increase Relationship Skills (survey)
Connect with Chris M. Lyon Websites: coachlyon.com | linktr.ee/ChrisMLyon
Facebook: facebook.com/CoachLyon
YouTube: youtube.com/@TheChrisSea
Instagram: instagram.com/Chris_sea1
TikTok: tiktok.com/@chris.sea
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Emotional immaturity can be a subtle yet profoundly impactful issue within relationships, often remaining hidden beneath the surface until it begins to erode the connection between partners.
In this episode, we will delve into the nuanced aspects of emotional immaturity and abuse within relationships. Drawing from expert insights, we will explore the telltale signs and behavioral patterns that may indicate emotional immaturity, shedding light on the damage it can inflict on both individuals and partnerships.
By gaining a deeper understanding of these dynamics, we empower ourselves and others to navigate relationships with greater emotional intelligence, fostering environments of trust, respect, and genuine connection.
Join us as we embark on this journey to uncover the tools and knowledge necessary to recognize and address emotional immaturity and abuse in our relationships.
Dr. David Hawkins is a clinical psychologist, director of the Marriage Recovery Center, and a best-selling author of over thirty books. Dr. Hawkins has helped bring healing to thousands of marriages and individuals since he began his work in 1976. He is passionate about working with couples in crisis and helps them discover a new way of doing things to have a healthy and thriving relationship.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode 9:36 Dr. David Hawkins: Pioneering the path to healing relationships.
19:16 The complex dynamics of emotional abuse in relationships.
29:06 Unpacking the lack of emotional connection: The role of avoidant tendencies.
36:03 Emotional abuse vs. Narcissism: Understanding the critical differences.
43:32 Dr. David Hawkins’ insights into the readiness for change among individuals in relationships with emotionally abusive partners.
45:32 Navigating the complexities of emotional abuse: Seeking help and resources.
Mentioned When Loving Him Is Hurting You: Hope and Help for Women Dealing With Narcissism and Emotional Abuse (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You: Finding God's Patterns for Healthy Relationships (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Increase Relationship Skills (Google Form) (Survey)
Connect with Dr. David Hawkins Website: marriagerecoverycenter.com
Facebook: facebook.com/marriagerecoverycenter
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCKrmBnvqdvugfYpLS6r1AzA
Instagram: instagram.com/marriagerecoverycenter
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mad-in-love/id1618828831
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument with your partner, feeling like you're speaking entirely different languages, even though you're using the same words?
In our increasingly hectic lives, the demands of work, family, and everyday responsibilities make it difficult to manage our stress levels. High stress levels take a toll on our emotional well-being and make it difficult to effectively navigate stress within our relationships. This challenge isn't just about handling personal stress; it's also about understanding how our partners respond to stress and, crucially, how we can bridge the gap in those moments of tension. Stress can easily disrupt communication and create emotional distance, making it vital to decipher and address the language of stress within our relationships.
This episode delves into the fascinating world of stress languages and how they impact our connections with loved ones. By unraveling the mystery of these stress responses, you'll gain valuable insights into your own and your partner's behaviors, ultimately leading to more harmonious relationships and a deeper sense of calm. Let's embark on this journey to decode the intricate language of stress and find the path to greater understanding and connection.
Chantal Donnelly founded Body Insight Inc. in 2006, a private clinic in Pasadena, CA, where she provides physical therapy and stress management services. She holds a Master's Degree in Physical Therapy, a Pilates Certification from BASI, and is a certified Resilience Toolkit Facilitator. Chantal has released two video programs: Pain-Free At Work and Strong Knees. She recently published her new book, Settled: How to Find Calm in a Stress-Inducing World.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode 6:00 The myth of self-care as a one-size-fits-all solution to stress.
10:37 Observing stress patterns for enhanced awareness.
15:47 The five stress languages for improved relationships and self-care.
21:09 Creating safety and support for relaxation.
32:44 Navigating stress responses in relationships.
40:43 Recognizing stress responses in everyday interactions.
46:23 Fostering connection through nervous system regulation.
Mentioned Settled: How to Find Calm in a Stress-Inducing World (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Befriending Your Nervous System: Looking Through the Lens of Polyvagal Theory (*Amazon link) (audiobook)
The Polyvagal Institute
Rhythm of Regulation
ERP 276: Understanding the Need for Both Self-Regulation and Co-regulation in Relationship – An Interview with Deb Dana
ERP 261: How to Strengthen Your Relationship from a Polyvagal Perspective – An Interview with Dr. Stephen Porges
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Chantal Donnelly**** Websites: bodyinsight.com
Facebook: facebook.com/BodyInsightInc
YouTube: youtube.com/user/BodyInsight
Instagram: instagram.com/bodyinsightinc
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Are you feeling stuck in your relationship, grappling with resentment, or sensing that you and your partner have unwittingly transformed into mere roommates? If so, you're not alone.
Maintaining a fulfilling, long-lasting relationship can be challenging in a world where the dynamics of love and partnership are constantly evolving. Relationship advice often comes from all directions and it's easy to find ourselves lost in a sea of conflicting guidance.
In this insightful conversation, Monica Tanner and Dr. Jessica Higgins delve into practical strategies to address these challenges head-on. The conversation reveals that successful relationships require intentional effort, a commitment to understanding, and the courage to engage in constructive conflict. From cultivating curiosity and practicing vulnerability to navigating differences with grace, they offer actionable steps to reignite the spark in your relationship and avoid falling into the dreaded roommate syndrome.
Monica Tanner, Relationship Coach and host of the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast, transforms marriages with simple communication, connection, conflict resolution, and commitment strategies. Her mission is to lower the divorce rate and improve marital satisfaction. Through her engaging podcast, vibrant social media community, and practical programs, Monica's expert guidance has impacted thousands of couples, by helping them ditch resentment and roommate syndrome and get back to living their happily-ever-after love story.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode 5:46 Monica’s quest to understanding genuine relationships.
8:38 The challenges of maintaining passion and longevity in modern relationships.
17:18 Nurturing healthy relationship dynamics through boundary setting.
23:16 Navigating emotional withdrawal: The impact of negative interaction patterns.
28:11 Recognizing and addressing hidden resentment.
41:24 Cultivating respectful disagreements and nurturing healthy communication.
48:19 The role of curiosity, interest, and creative problem-solving in deepening intimacy and passion in relationships.
Mentioned The Space Between: The Point of Connection (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Free Intimacy Quiz
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Monica Tanner Websites: monicatanner.com
Facebook: facebook.com/monica.tanner2
Instagram: instagram.com/monitanner1
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/secrets-of-happily-ever-after/id1345544810
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
In a world where technology offers countless ways to be connected, why is it that so many of us still feel disconnected? Why is it becoming increasingly difficult to forge deep, meaningful connections with others?
In this episode, Dr. Jody Carrington and Dr. Jessica Higgins explore the intricacies of reconnecting and finding balance in relationships, along with the skill of nurturing genuine connections. Whether it's strengthening bonds with our children, partners, colleagues, or even within ourselves, they delve into the heart of building authentic relationships. From handling emotional challenges to embracing the significance of acknowledgment, they unravel the multifaceted nature of human interaction.
So, if you're ready to peel back the layers of disconnection and embark on a journey towards reconnection, join us on this episode.
Dr. Jody Carrington is a psychologist sought after for her expertise, energy, and approach to helping people solve their most complex human-centered challenges. Jody focuses much of her work around reconnection. Jody uses humor, and all she has learned in her twenty-year career as a psychologist to empower everyone she connects with. In her latest book, Feeling Seen, she dives into what it takes to reconnect a disconnected world.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
7:24 Dr. Jody Carrington’s professional evolution: From first responders to child psychiatry.
15:55 The challenge of repairing relationships.
19:14 Building emotional language and regulation.
24:52 Identifying core motivators of disconnection in relationships.
30:52 The importance of acknowledging the various contributors to disconnection.
38:01 Indigenous teachings on land acknowledgment as a lesson in genuine bearing witness.
42:10 Fostering resilience in professionals to address the increasing emotional dysregulation in society.
53:28 Accessing Dr. Carrington’s workshops and podcasts for accessible mental health conversations.
Mentioned Teachers These Days: Stories and Strategies for Reconnection (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Kids These Days: A Game Plan For (Re)Connecting With Those We Teach, Lead, & Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Feeling Seen: Reconnecting in a Disconnected World (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Dr. Jody Carrington**** Websites: drjodycarrington.com
Facebook: facebook.com/drjodycarrington
Twitter: twitter.com/DrJCarrington?s=20&t=6-oqtPKGW3zZnKeT0eI6Hg
YouTube: youtube.com/c/drjodycarrington
Instagram: instagram.com/drjodycarrington/?hl=en
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/dr-jody-carrington/?originalSubdomain=ca
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Do you find yourself reacting in certain ways that you can't quite explain as if you're following a script written by your ancestors? Have you ever wondered why certain patterns persist across generations in your family? The complex web of family history, with its unspoken stories and unresolved traumas, can leave an indelible mark on our lives.
In a world where we strive for personal growth and healthier relationships, it's crucial to delve into the depths of our family tree and uncover the hidden influences that shape our behaviors and emotions.
In this episode, we delve into the profound connections between our family trees and our personal growth. From understanding the "ancestral alarm clock" to recognizing patterns of codependency and rediscovering our authentic selves, this episode offers actionable steps and resources to navigate the intricate journey of healing and growth through ancestral awareness.
Whether you're seeking to break free from generational patterns or unlock a deeper understanding of yourself, this conversation provides a captivating exploration of how our past shapes our present and future.
Johanna has been connected to the world of separation and divorce for decades, originally due to her personal situation, then as a systemic therapist focusing on restoring relationships for the past 12 years. Johanna is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with an international private practice.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
4:47 Introduction to Johanna Lynn’s journey: From personal curiosity to professional expertise.
9:06 Unmasking familiar patterns: The importance of fresh perspective in relationship dynamics.
14:12 The link between language and the body: Tracing patterns from thoughts to somatic sensations
19:50 Empathy and understanding in addressing subconscious influences.
30:48 Ancestral Alarm Clock: Life Stages as Opportunities for Healing and Growth.
37:52 Balancing autonomy and intimacy.
42:51 Sustaining connection through art and symbolism
47:47 Navigating complex family structures.
Mentioned It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
About Banyan (*Wikipedia) (article)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Johanna Lynn Websites: johannalynn.ca
Facebook: facebook.com/groups/1470185283292404 | facebook.com/johanna.lynn.54
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UC98HkGzauNSSHYfmIA4fVuA
Instagram: instagram.com/thefamilyimprint_institute
Pinterest: pinterest.ca/family_imprint
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/johannalynn
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
In today's complex dating landscape, finding real connections and lasting partnerships has become a tough puzzle to crack. This challenge is particularly pronounced in the context of high-value individuals seeking meaningful relationships while managing their careers and personal growth.
In this episode, seasoned relationship experts Glenn Sandifer and Dr. Jessica Higgins delve into the complexities of this issue, shedding light on actionable strategies that individuals can implement to overcome hurdles and achieve their relationship goals. The conversation emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, the significance of aligning with like-minded individuals, and the value of having mentors and role models to guide one's journey.
By exploring the depths of these topics, this enlightening conversation offers a roadmap for those striving to create fulfilling relationships and unlock their full potential within the context of modern dating dynamics.
Glenn, a strategist and executive leader with over 20 years of experience, developed The Middle Ground to help professionals understand the roadblocks that often conflict with professional success. He believes that understanding the reasons behind relationship breakdowns is crucial for success in dating and overcoming restarts. Glenn is a Christian, husband, father, HBCU Alumnus, Omega Man, and Viking, residing in Nashville, Tennessee with his wife Takeena and two children.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:59 From personal experience to professional insight: The journey that inspired the book.
11:42 Categorizing and understanding six types of men and women
16:30 The middle ground paradigm: Departing from extremes for lasting and fulfilling relationships.
21:12 Transforming toxic mindsets: Embracing cooperation, service, and duty in relationships.
26:37 Three phases of development: Building discipline, skill, and leadership.
34:15 The importance of modern women choosing partners who align with their values and goals.
39:42 The dynamics of high-value relationships: Symbiotic connection between high-value men and women.
45:40 Cultivating a supportive network: Nurturing relationships with like-minded and mentors.
Mentioned The Middle Ground: How To Get Great Dating Outcomes in a Modern World Part 1 (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Middle Ground: How To Get Great Dating Outcomes in a Modern World Part 2 (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Plumber Joke: paintsquare.com/humor/joke/?763
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Glenn Sandifer Websites: themiddlegroundbook.com
Facebook: facebook.com/themiddlegroundbook
TikTok: tiktok.com/@themiddlegroundbook
YouTube: youtube.com/@themiddlegroundbook
Instagram: instagram.com/middlegroundbook
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Many couples often find themselves stuck in repetitive cycles of miscommunication, defensiveness, emotional struggles, and unmet needs. It's a common challenge that can leave even the most committed partners feeling lost and uncertain about how to navigate these issues effectively.
But fret not, because, in this eye-opening episode, we delve deep into the transformative power of secure attachment and intentional communication. Discover how curiosity, empathy, and a willingness to co-create can turn conflict into a connection and pave the way for a loving, compassionate partnership.
Whether you're just starting a new relationship or seeking to reignite the flame in your existing one, this conversation offers invaluable insights and practical tools to foster a lasting, fulfilling, and thriving bond with your significant other. So get ready to equip yourself with the knowledge and strategies to strengthen your relationship like never before!
Christine Eartheart, Co-Founder of the Center for Thriving Relationships, joins her wonderful husband to help couples create the kind of love they’ve always wanted. They offer retreats, online courses, and private sessions and train and certify others in their Thriving Relationship Coach Certification program. Christine is the host of the Thriving Relationships Show, a TEDx speaker, and has been featured in Psychology Today, Happify, Thrive Global, NBC, ABC, and CBS. Learn more at CenterThrive.com.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:41 From blissful love to challenging times: Christine’s journey in supporting couples.
12:15 The impact of repetitive patterns on relationships: The pursuer-withdrawer dynamic.
16:35 Embracing the two-sided coin: Appreciating the beautiful strengths and challenges in relationships.
27:21 How Christine and her husband cultivated a growth-oriented relationship.
32:37 Creating secure attachment leads to transformative healing in relationships.
39:01 A powerful tool for fostering connection and collaboration in relationships.
46:19 Shifting from defensiveness to collaboration.
49:02 The importance of making a commitment to work on the relationship and shift towards constructive communication.
55:17 Learn more about building thriving relationships.
Mentioned Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (*Amazon) (book)
Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems and Revolutionizing Your Relationship (*Amazon) (book)
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (*Amazon) (book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Christine Eartheart**** Websites: centerforthrivingrelationships.com
Facebook: facebook.com/ThrivingRelationships
YouTube: youtube.com/@ThrivingRelationships
Instagram: instagram.com/centerforthrivingrelationships
Pinterest: pinterest.ph/thrivinglove
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
As we navigate the highs and lows of being in a relationship, it's essential to cultivate and nurture the connection we share with our partner. Whether you're a newly formed couple or have been together for years, there's always room to deepen the love and intimacy you both experience.
In this episode, we'll explore four powerful and actionable steps to enhance your bond, foster open communication, and create a more fulfilling and loving partnership.
Let's embark on this journey together and discover the keys to a more profound and intimate relationship with your loved one.
Eri Kardos is the founder of Relearn Love, LLC. Her mission is to help people experience ease with love and relationships for more fun and fulfilling connections. She works with clients across six continents, ranging from top tech executives and Hollywood celebrities to ordinary people living extraordinary lives.
Eri is the author of the best-selling book, Relationship Agreements: A Simple and Effective Guide for Strengthening Communication, Reducing Conflict, and Increasing Intimacy to Design Your Ideal Relationship.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:45 Erin Cardoso’s mission to enhance fulfilling connections.
10:41 Balancing masculine and feminine energies in relationships.
16:33 Embracing conflict with respect and love: A transformational journey.
21:11 Exploring the relearn love model: From curiosity to celebration.
25:53 Cultivating knowledge and learning tools.
33:43 Making sustainable and joyful changes in your relationship.
39:08 The power of acknowledging and celebrating progress in relationships.
45:29 The importance of being present and focused on the now.
Mentioned Teammates (*free masterclass)
Relationship Agreements: A Simple and Effective Guide for Strengthening Communication, Reducing Conflict, and Increasing Intimacy to Design Your Ideal Relationship (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Imago Relationship Therapy
ERP 303: How to Create Safe Conversations — An Interview with Drs. Harville Hendrix & Helen Lakelly Hunt
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Eri Kardos**** Websites: relearnlove.com
Instagram: instagram.com/coacherikardos
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/erikardos
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Understanding and connecting with the evolving needs of newer generational men has become a crucial aspect of modern relationships.
In this enlightening episode, we shed light on relationship dynamics and the shifting nature of modern masculinity, providing valuable insights and guidance for fostering meaningful connections.
The discussion delves deep into the complexities of relating to younger generational men, emphasizing the significance of vulnerability and open communication. Amidst the impact of technology and social media on relationships, striking a balance between tradition and progress emerges as a key theme, unveiling powerful tools and strategies to strengthen bonds.
Join this transformative journey into the heart of modern masculinity and discover how to enrich your relationships with the younger generation of men by embracing their unique perspectives and desires. Gain a deeper understanding of their needs and experiences, and pave the way for more fulfilling connections in your relationships.
Sulonda has been a licensed psychotherapist for 27 years who also focuses on helping people in long-term committed relationships and married couples. She helps couples improve their communication skills and specifically helps men to communicate in a way their significant other understands.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:51 Generational differences in men’s experiences.
12:42 The damaging effects of confining oneself to a narrow window of acceptable gender expressions and the need for a more inclusive approach to emotions and experiences.
17:46 Finding your tribe and embracing authenticity.
21:37 The fear of experimenting and self-doubt.
26:42 Breaking free from societal expectations.
31:48 Changing trends in partnerships.
37:15 Seeking happiness and being in flow of everything.
42:01 The importance of healthy parent-child relationships and supporting younger generations, particularly young men.
48:35 How to ask instead of assuming.
55:00 The power of a hybrid course.
Mentioned Today’s man is different from Yesterday’s man | Sulonda Smith | TEDxLSSC (*Youtube video)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Sulonda Smith Websites: thecommunicationsninja.com | sulondasmith.com
Facebook: facebook.com/ShesaidHeheardThis
YouTube: youtube.com/user/sulondas
Instagram: instagram.com/sulondasmith
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/sulondasmith
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
In this special episode, the Empowered Relationship Podcast deviates from its usual format of interviewing experts to provide dedicated attention to addressing a listener's thought-provoking questions.
The question centers around a familiar dynamic often observed in relationships, where one partner finds themselves leaning away from the relationship while the other remains invested and leaning in.
Listener’s Questions 1. “How do you come to terms in a marriage of holding true to your commitment of loyalty for life, sticking through the "for worse", and being able to trust your judgment at the time you chose your spouse? Specifically the self-blame of trusting yourself on the decision of who to marry, and/or breaking your own promise of being true to your word at the time.” 2. “Understanding wife say I just want to be roommates, we work great as a team co-parenting kids and taking care of the house, and what this means coming on the heels of an affair?”
Quick Story “In the initial wake of the revelation, I thought wow I was an awful person as she brought up things I didn't do or when she felt hurt, but through a year of discussions with a psychologist and an independent therapist I realized a lot of these are coming from her insecurities and anxiety and attempts at justifying her affair. I'm not without fault - I was not emotionally available as much as I needed to be for her and during our marriage she felt like I did things that made her feel like she needed to change things about herself in order to be someone who she thought I wanted her to be. (If that makes sense?). I've learned a lot of tools I can use, but a lot of them seem to work within the confines of making the marriage better, but right now she's not there yet.
My wife came clean about an emotional affair she had and exhibited all the traits of limerence by blaming me for it, rewriting our history into a negative sentiment override, "I care for you but not in love with you", and now maintains the position that she felt like we were roommates before the affair, so she wants to keep living like that now while she works on herself. She's been clear that she doesn't want any deeper emotional discussions (unless it's about the past), zero physical affection in any way, no "I love you's" or pet names, etc.
We did 5 sessions of MC and got to the point where the counselor said we have a lot of great things between us but if she's not committed to the marriage, then it'll be hard to do the work. The most striking line he said to my wife was "The problem isn't with your husband, the problem would be with whoever happened to be sitting in this chair. " She acknowledges she's broken, gave too much of herself, and lost who she was as a person, but she's in a highly stressful job and doesn't want to seek a therapist or help on her own, she has said she just needs the space to figure out who she is and what she wants. She seems to want/expect feelings to come back naturally if it's meant to be while we remain in this "friend" state and doesn't want to force things between us.
I appreciate the work you do in helping couples and look forward to your podcasts each week.”
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
7:40 Listeners’s questions on how to come to terms with unrequited love.
13:57 Coping with the pain and uncertainty of a partner pulling away.
17:00 Identifying the relational cycle and understanding the underlying dynamics in your relationship.
22:47 Embracing ambivalence: Discovering new paths through discernment counseling.
32:34 Rediscovering commitments and finding meaning in marriage.
43:18 The importance of developing fresh approaches to relating with your partner.
Dr. Jessica Higgins's Recommendations Disclaimer: Please note that the insights and feedback provided by Dr. Jessica Higgins are based solely on the information provided by the listener. Assumptions have been made regarding the listener's willingness to work on the relationship, the duration of their partnership, and the absence of specific clinical diagnoses. As each individual's circumstances are unique, the guidance offered should be considered general and not personalized advice. Dr. Jessica Higgins will do her best to address the listener's question given the available information.
Acknowledge the Pain
Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful and witnessing their emotional detachment from the relationship can be an incredibly painful and disorienting experience. It's natural to feel a wide range of emotions, including shock, anger, desperation, and sadness. During this time, seeking support from a therapist or counselor can be immensely helpful in processing these emotions and providing stability for both you and your children.
Identify the Cycle Together
Understanding the dynamics of your relationship is crucial to finding a way forward. In the aftermath of an affair, it's essential to recognize that there may have been underlying issues and unmet needs that contributed to the breakdown of trust. This might include the experience of limerence, a state of infatuation or fantasy that can cloud judgment and lead to emotional affairs. By exploring these dynamics together, through exercises such as those found in the book "Hold Me Tight," you can gain insight into each other's perspectives and work towards rebuilding trust.
Make Room for Ambivalence In situations where one partner expresses a desire to be roommates and wants to focus on personal growth, it's crucial to create space for ambivalence. Discernment counseling, a specialized form of therapy, can be beneficial in helping couples gain clarity and confidence in determining the future of their relationship. This process allows both partners to explore their true desires and intentions while relieving the pressure to make immediate decisions. It also presents an opportunity for individual self-reflection and personal growth.
Do Your Work Throughout this journey, it is vital for both partners to engage in self-reflection and personal growth. This involves examining your own contributions to the relationship dynamics and acknowledging areas where improvement is needed. While it may be tempting to place blame solely on the partner who had the affair, it's important to take responsibility for your own emotional availability and commitment to the relationship. This introspective work can pave the way for creating a healthier and more fulfilling partnership moving forward.
Mentioned Hold Me Tight by Dr. Susan Johnson (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
*EFT Therapist Finder
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
ERP 015: Do You Have a “Unity” or “Journey” Mindset in Relationship?
ERP 058: Beyond the Wedding. What Is Marriage Really Like?
ERP 372: How to Work Together in Relationship for a Strong, Secure Connection — An Interview with Dr. Stan Tatkin
ERP 373: How to Embrace Ambivalence When Making Big Relationship Decisions — An Interview with Rachel Zamore
Discernment Counseling
Identify The Cycle
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Do you often find yourself struggling to navigate the complexities of life and relationships? Perhaps you feel disconnected from your own thoughts, emotions, and desires, and it's affecting your overall well-being.
In a world filled with stress, anxiety, and constant distractions, it's easy to lose touch with our true selves. But what if there was a way to deepen your contact with yourself and transform every aspect of your life, including your relationships?
In this episode, we delved into the powerful practice of meditation and mindfulness, exploring how they can help you develop self-awareness, regulate emotions, and build healthier connections.
Join us as we uncover practical steps, insights, and valuable resources to guide you on this transformative journey of self-discovery and personal growth. Get ready to unlock the potential within you and experience profound positive changes in your life and relationships.
Madhur-Nain Webster is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in the integration of eastern and western philosophies for mental health for individuals and couples. Her first book, The Stressless Brain (2018), makes a scientific argument for the positive influence meditation has on the psyche; she is currently working on her second book. In addition to releasing over 60 meditation singles, Madhur-Nain maintains international outreach by appearing on podcasts and holding meditation workshops.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:57 Madhur-Nain Webster and her work in integrating Eastern and Western philosophies.
15:25 Finding what works: Exploring different forms of meditation.
20:39 Changing relationship dynamics and prioritizing needs.
26:25 The importance of practicing meditation even when it feels challenging or uncomfortable.
31:53 The influence of early upbringing and trauma on meditation practice.
36:16 The influence of meditation on the endocrine system and well-being.
39:54 Amplifying the benefits: Togetherness and community in meditation.
43:11 Couples meditation: Connecting through synchronized breath.
48:28 Self-reflection and emotional recognition: Navigating feedback and challenging toxic shame
52:03 Understanding the difference between anxiety and stress.
Mentioned The Stressless Brain: Reducing Stress and Anxiety through the Power of Meditation and Psychology (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Feeling Good Handbook (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Type Of Relationship Support (survey)
Connect with Madhur-Nain Webste**** Websites: madhurnain.com
Facebook: facebook.com/madhurnainwebster
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCOof1-ACJXP9SufPBHbQeQw
Instagram: instagram.com/madhurnain
Spotify: spotify.com/artist/5wvZFb0E0Ybc4oSdlDSn0h
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Are you yearning for a relationship that brims with passion, connection, and a profound level of intimacy that goes beyond the physical?
Many individuals find themselves longing for a deeper bond with their partners, seeking to break free from the stagnation of routine and reignite the spark that once ignited their love.
In this insightful episode, we delve into the transformative power of embracing honesty in sexual intimacy as a means to cultivate a stronger connection, unlock hidden depths of intimacy, and rekindle the flames of passion within your relationship. Discover how this pathway of honest expression can pave the way for a more fulfilling and passionate love life, where pleasure, trust, and genuine connection thrive.
As a relationship coach for 20 years, Shana James has humbly discovered the causes of disconnection in relationships and how to keep the passion alive. Shana has a Master’s in psychology, DISC, and Positive Intelligence certifications, and has facilitated decades of Authentic Relating workshops. Shana specializes in helping people after divorce and hosts the Man Alive podcast. She is the author of Honest Sex: A Passionate Path to Deepen Connection and Keep Relationships Alive and her TEDx Talk is "What 1000 Men's Tears Reveal About the Crisis Between Men and Women.”
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:41 Shana James’ impactful journey of empowering men in love, sex, intimacy, and connections.
10:57 Expanding the understanding of sex: From fast food to four-dimensional experience.
16:57 Moving from reaction to response: Effective communication about sex for deeper intimacy.
22:23 Building agreements and teamwork for open communication.
26:00 The power of affirmation: Guiding conversations with virtues and requests.
31:40 Shifting from criticism to gratitude.
36:48 Overcoming exhaustion and rebuilding intimacy.
41:20 Embracing non-sexual forms of intimacy.
52:38 Free resources and ways to connect with Shana.
Mentioned Honest Sex: A Passionate Path to Deepen Connection and Keep Relationships Alive (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
What 1000 Men’s Tears Reveal by Shana James (*TEDx on Youtube)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Shana James**** Websites: shanajamescoaching.com
Facebook: facebook.com/truesuccessformen
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/shana-james-3004065
Podcast: shanajamescoaching.com/man-alive-podcast
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Cultivating personal and relational well-being can be a challenging task, especially when faced with negative communication patterns and misunderstandings. However, it is essential for individuals to prioritize their innate mental health and create a bond of love and connection with their partners.
In this episode, Dr. Kalen Hammann and Dr. Jessica Higgins delve into the intricate challenges that couples face while building and sustaining lasting intimacy. They provide valuable insights into transforming negative communication patterns into connected communication. They also shed light on the different phases of therapy, the significance of building positive energy, and the importance of recognizing fear and learning to calm down through relaxation techniques.
After getting a Ph.D. in Social Psychology, working as a psychotherapist, and teaching business executives in over 50 Fortune 500 companies on five continents how to get along better, Dr. Kalen Hammann discovered that NONE of that helped him save his own marriage! He's here to tell us what HAS helped him and his wife and now is helping other couples get off the Road to Divorce and find their way to "Happily Ever After.”
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
05:43 From corporate America to intimate relationships: Journey of personal and professional growth.
09:09 Finding hope in the Modello approach: A story of overcoming marriage problems.
12:58 Roger Mills’ success story in improving Florida’s housing project.
19:02 Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Our positive qualities obscured by negative emotions.
24:26 A guide to cultivating personal and relational well-being.
26:01 Settling the conflict and finding insights: A mindful approach to disagreements.
33:26 The power of Long exhales: Calming the nervous system and cultivating inner peace.
35:59 Building positive energy: Turning towards bids and small actions in relationships.
39:55 Recognizing our fear: Understanding the root cause of negative emotions.
46:41 Rediscovering love: Finding your way back to love and happily ever after.
Mentioned Date Your Mate: How to Save Your Marriage from "The Blahs” and Live Happily Ever After (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Modello: A Story of Hope for the Inner City and Beyond: An Inside-Out Model of Prevention and Resiliency in Action (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Kalen Hammann**** Websites: lessfightingmoreloving.com
Calendly: TalkWithKalen.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Relationships are beautiful, intricate webs of connection and understanding, but they can also be challenging to navigate, especially when gender differences come into play.
In this episode, we delved into the complexities of how gender dynamics can impact our interactions with our partners. From the importance of attunement and nurturing attitudes to recognizing and addressing each other's needs, we explored valuable insights that can help foster healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
One of the key takeaways from this discussion was the significance of being in service of the greater good within a relationship. Rather than getting caught up in defending opposing views or trying to win arguments, it's essential to shift our focus towards understanding and supporting each other's deeper needs and desires.
By harnessing this nurturing attitude and seeking to understand our partners on a deeper level, we can build stronger foundations of support and care.
Dr. Ricky Arenson is a highly regarded Endocrinologist specializing in hormones and Geriatrician. He has been happily married to Katherine, an ER specialist and medical inventor, for two decades. Together with their four children, they live in Perth, Western Australia.
Dr. Arenson is a multi-award-winning medical leader, holding the esteemed position of Head of the Department of Geriatric Medicine at Royal Perth Hospital, where he also serves as a Hospital Director. Additionally, he has authored the thought-provoking book, "Women are Superior to Men," and showcases his comedic talents as a freelance comedian.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:39 Hormone-related issues can cause relationship problems.
11:38 From teaching doctors to writing a book: The journey of Dr. Ricky Arenson
15:27 Common gender differences that affect relationships and strategies for negotiating conflicts.
22:19 Challenging stereotypes: Embracing individuality within gender differences.
25:57 Fluidity and diverse aspects of gender: Recognizing the masculine and feminine within.
29:58 Evolutionary perspectives and gender roles: Exploring differences and complementary attributes.
35:34 The importance of taking care of each other.
41:40 The importance of timing and understanding what you want.
45:18 Bringing humor and enjoyment into the relationship space.
Mentioned Women Are Superior to Men: The Real Secret to a Fantastic Marriage, Joyful Parenting & Better Sex! (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Type Of Relationship Support (survey)
Connect with Dr. Ricky Arenson**** Websites: drrickyarenson.com
Facebook: facebook.com/drrickyarenson
Podcast: open.spotify.com/show/1IYdw1kwt8l7CKUaERFiC0
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
In today's fast-paced and overwhelming world, it's no surprise that emotions often become a tangled web, hindering our ability to authentically connect with ourselves and others. With a staggering 90% of people never receiving regular counseling or therapy, the need for accessible tools that can reach a wider audience becomes paramount.
Join us in this thought-provoking episode as we delve into the vital topic of processing emotions for greater clarity and connection. This conversation uncovers the common obstacles individuals face when attempting to navigate their emotions effectively. More importantly, we explore an innovative approach to emotional processing that aims to bridge this gap, allowing individuals to tap into their innate capacity for connection.
Don't miss out—tune in and unlock the keys to processing emotions for a more fulfilling and connected existence.
Drs. Glenn and Phyllis Hill spent the first 30 years of marriage living disconnected. Dr. Glenn was so determined to find out what went wrong that he went back to school and became a Marriage and Family Therapist and a Clinical Sexologist. It wasn't until he dug deep into emotional regulation that he discovered the source of their disconnect. From there, Dr. Glenn & Phyllis created The Connection Codes which is a framework to help couples connect emotionally and physically using their 4-minute tool.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:10 The journey to unveiling The Connection Codes Framework.
12:07 The power of vulnerability: Unveiling deeper layers of understanding.
17:22 Glenn and Phyllis’ individual journeys within their relationship.
22:06 The importance of emotional breakthroughs.
26:40 The birth of the Core Motion Wheel and its transformative impact.
34:48 The breakthrough: Reversing disconnection to foster connection.
37:53 Real-life application and global impact of emotional tools.
44:37 The importance of processing emotions for regulation and well-being.
Mentioned Connection Codes (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Type Of Relationship Support (survey)
Connect with Dr. Glenn & Phyllis Hill**** Websites: connectioncodes.co/empowered
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/connection-codes/id1613594520 (*Apple podcast)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Intimacy in a relationship is a beautiful and fulfilling experience, but finding harmony between a deep connection and maintaining a sense of self is a delicate dance that many couples strive to master. It's a journey of self-discovery and growth that requires navigating the fine line between connection and autonomy.
In this thought-provoking conversation, relationship experts Amber Price and Dr. Jessica Higgins, unravel the complexities of this subject, offering valuable insights and practical advice for individuals seeking to preserve their individuality while fostering a deep bond with their partner.
The discussion delved into the concept of emotional fusion, sharing personal stories and exploring strategies to break free from its grip. With a focus on open communication, self-awareness, and conscious decision-making, this conversation provides a roadmap for cultivating a strong sense of self within the context of a loving and intimate relationship.
Amber Price is a relationship expert, educator, and researcher who teaches people to build better relationships without losing who they are. She is currently finishing a PhD in Marriage, Family, and Human Development, and she’s also a mom to four boys and wife to a chemistry professor who loves baking and eating cookies and drinking hot chocolate.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:32 Amber’s journey of self-discovery and personal growth.
9:07 Unpacking grumpiness: Overwhelm, exhaustion, and the need for self-care.
10:51 Balancing relatedness and autonomy.
14:23 The role of relationship security in developing autonomy.
17:07 Challenging cultural expectations particularly among women or individuals who identify as women.
19:34 The fine line between conscious choice and unhealthy pressure in caregiving.
23:32 Accessing conscious choice: Stepping back and examining priorities.
25:26 Recognizing and challenging unconscious patterns for personal growth.
30:40 Rediscovering authenticity: Exploring personal values and joy.
37:21 Connecting through shared experiences: The power of authenticity.
41:14 Finding balance and cultivating emotional autonomy.
Mentioned Reclaiming ME (mini-course)
Authentically YOU (course)
Type Of Relationship Support (survey)
Connect with Amber Price**** Websites: amberaprice.com
Facebook: facebook.com/amber.a.price.authenticallyyou
Instagram: instagram.com/amber.a.price
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Military couples face a unique set of challenges that can put their relationships to the test. From long deployments and frequent relocations to the emotional toll of separation and the weight of responsibility, they often find themselves in situations where maintaining connection and emotional well-being become paramount. But despite the extraordinary circumstances they face, military couples exemplify unwavering strength, commitment, and love.
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins and Bree Carroll explored how to navigate the demanding landscape of maintaining a healthy relationship amidst the demands and stress levels experienced by these couples, highlighting the remarkable resilience, intentional efforts, and unwavering commitment demonstrated in their quest to nurture love and sustain a thriving partnership.
Bree Carroll, military spouse, event strategist, and speaker, transforms spaces and hearts through experience design and purposeful planning. As a voice in the military community, she holds the title as 2020-2021 AFI Air Force Spouse of the Year and advocates to strengthen military marriages. Bree is the founder of Military Marriage Day, a national holiday celebrated annually on August 14th. More than a holiday, this movement supports military families with resources through its app, insight with the Hearts & Stripes Podcast, and connection through its annual events and virtual programming. Bree’s mission is to encourage and equip couples, especially our service couples, so that they may intentionally thrive in their marriage relationship.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
8:31 Understanding the unique challenges of military couples.
16:47 The importance of strengthening military marriages and supporting service families.
25:07 Proactive approach to strengthening military marriages and providing resources.
30:11 The power of storytelling and proactive support in military marriages.
35:59 Insights from a military marriage study: Challenges and hope.
42:35 The power of celebration: Elevating Military Marriage Day.
49:52 Taking action and spreading hope.
Mentioned Military Marriage Day (*Apple Appstore) (app)
Type Of Relationship Support (survey)
Connect with Bree Carroll Websites: militarymarriageday.com
Facebook: facebook.com/militarymarriageday
YouTube: youtube.com/@militarymarriageday
Instagram: instagram.com/militarymarriageday
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Relationships often confront us with moments of uncertainty, where conflicting emotions and wavering decisions leave us feeling overwhelmed. But, what if we could view ambivalence as an opportunity for personal growth, self-discovery, and empowered decision-making?
In this enlightening discussion with relationship expert Rachel Zamore and Dr. Jessica Higgins, we explored profound insights into navigating the intricate landscape of ambivalence in relationships. From recognizing the significance of self-care to cultivating compassion, this episode provides a roadmap for embracing ambivalence and making impactful relationship choices with clarity and confidence.
If you currently stand at the crossroads of a significant relationship decision, unsure of which path to choose, join us on this transformative journey. Together, we will uncover empowering principles that guide you towards embracing ambivalence and making choices that honor your personal growth, authenticity, and overall well-being.
Rachel Zamore is a leading practitioner in discernment counseling, a process that helps couples on the brink gain confidence and clarity about the next best steps for their marriage. Rachel’s compassionate, nonjudgmental approach empowers honest self-reflection and welcomes each person right where they are. Drawing from 15 years as an integrative psychotherapist, relationship guide (Certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy & Discernment Counseling) and trainer, Rachel coaches individuals and couples online and at private retreats worldwide.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:55 Igniting a passion: Rachel Zamore’s journey to empower couples in ambiguous relationships
10:19 Rachel’s revolutionary approach to couples in crisis.
12:31 Common mistakes in couples therapy unveiled.
16:51 Appreciating ambivalence and embracing complexity in relationship dynamics.
20:39 The transformative power of providing a supportive container for couples grappling with difficult and anxiety-provoking issues.
25:05 Unpacking the cumulative effect of ambivalence in relationships.
30:26 Discernment counseling: Differentiating hard and soft reasons, and individual growth.
35:59 About Rachel’s intensive sessions and retreats, individual and relational growth.
39:49 Outcomes and statistics of discernment counseling.
45:11 Encouragement and advice for finding clarity and well-being.
Mentioned Type Of Relationship Support (survey)
Connect with Rachel Zamore Websites: relationshipcrossroads.com | innerwell.org
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/rachelzamore
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Building a strong and secure connection within a romantic relationship is a goal shared by many. We strive for harmony, understanding, and a deep bond that withstands the test of time. But with human nature being what it is - aggressive, warlike, moody, and easily influenced - it can be a challenging task.
So, how do we achieve this level of connection? Is it about finding the perfect partner or following a set of rules?
In this episode, Dr. Stan Tatkin and Dr. Jessica Higgins embark on an enlightening exploration of human behavior within relationships shedding light on key elements that foster a strong and secure connection. Join us as we delve into the strategies and insights that can help you and your partner work together to create a solid foundation of love, trust, and mutual support.
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT Clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author of We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship Rx, Wired for Dating, What Every Therapist Ought to Know, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships, and the upcoming, In Each Other’s Care.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:01 In Each Other’s Care: Practical Guidance on Applying the Principles of Secure Functioning
10:56 Normalizing stressful situations and creating purpose-centered relationships.
15:36 Preserving relationships through proactive engagement.
26:05 Creating purposeful relationships: moving beyond psycho-biology to action.
30:37 Embracing a collaborative stance: Exploring partner’s needs and approaching conversations with mutual interest.
Mentioned Type Of Relationship Support (survey)
In Each Other's Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Learn How to Interact When Conflicts Arise (excerpt)
We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Relationship Rx (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 291: How “Love Is Not Enough” – An Interview with Dr. Stan Tatkin
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Stan Tatkin Websites: thepactinstitute.com
Facebook: facebook.com/drstantatkin
Twitter: twitter.com/DrStanTatkin
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/stan-tatkin
Instagram: instagram.com/drstantatkin
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
You’ve probably heard the well-meaning relationship advice to “learn to compromise.” It seems like a reasonable solution to navigate differences and find middle ground. But what if I told you that this popular advice might be doing more harm than good?
In this thought-provoking discussion with Dr. Jessica Higgins and Dr. Alexandra Stockwell, we explore why the conventional wisdom of compromise may not be the ultimate solution for relationship harmony.
If you're tired of settling for less and yearn for a relationship that thrives on passion, understanding, and unwavering closeness, then this episode is an absolute must-listen. Prepare to embark on a journey towards uncompromising intimacy, where compromise takes a backseat, and authentic connection takes center stage.
Known as “The Intimacy Doctor,” Alexandra Stockwell, MD, is an Intimate Marriage Expert who specializes in coaching ambitious, successful couples to build beautiful, long-lasting, passionate relationships. She is the bestselling author of “Uncompromising Intimacy,” host of The Intimate Marriage Podcast, and creator of the Aligned & Hot Marriage program.
Dr. Alexandra has been featured in the Huffington Post, Rolling Stone, USAToday, Cosmopolitan, Business Insider, Thriveglobal, Mindbodygreen, FOX NEWS, and many more.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:17 Dr. Stockwell’s personal journey that led her to focus on relationships and intimacy.
12:46 The significance of personal transformation and setting positive examples for others in fostering healthy relationships and self-discovery.
17:21 Challenging the notion of compromise in marriage: Discovering a vibrant and satisfying intimacy.
27:41 Uncompromising intimacy: The Key to vibrant and fulfilling relationships.
32:53 The impact of unspoken compromises: Nurturing vulnerable honesty for deeper connection.
38:40 Embracing authenticity and empowering relationships through uncompromising intimacy.
51:11 Cultivating sensory awareness and unleashing the power of pleasure in intimacy.
56:07 Connect with Dr. Stockwell and learn more about the tools and principles for a committed partnership and creating lasting and fulfilling connections.
Mentioned Uncompromising Intimacy: Turn Your Unfulfilling Marriage into a Deeply Satisfying, Passionate Partnership (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Intimate Marriage Podcast (*Spotify link) (podcast)
Aligned and Hot Marriage (program)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Alexandra Stockwell Websites: alexandrastockwell.com
TikTok: tiktok.com/@intimacydoctor
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UC_NFfwXTz2n6C_2QdmrfEVg
Instagram: instagram.com/intimacydoctor
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/alexandrastockwell
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Are you feeling like your relationship has hit a plateau? Perhaps you and your partner have been together for a while and things just don't seem to be moving forward. Don't worry, you're not alone.
Maintaining a healthy and happy relationship can be a challenging task, even for the most committed couples. Over time, relationships can hit a stagnant point where both partners feel disconnected, bored, or unfulfilled. Fortunately, there are steps that can be taken to avoid that.
In this episode, Abi Singh shares valuable insights and tips on how to reignite the spark in a relationship and prevent it from fading away. From effective communication to prioritizing self-care, these tips can help bring your relationship back to life.
So if you're ready to take action and bring some excitement back into your love life, listen to the full episode.
Abi Singh is a life coach and relationship expert. Abi helps couples find balance and prioritize intimacy so that they can effectively make key decisions that will positively impact their relationships. Abi and her husband live on the beautiful island of Grenada and run their restaurant business, which they co-founded in 2017.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:52 Abby’s personal experience in an intercultural marriage.
8:58 How to overcome stagnation in relationships after the honeymoon phase.
12:12 The importance of communication and intentionality in relationships: Avoiding the faux pas of relationship.
16:23 Overcoming misunderstandings and building a stronger connection.
21:53 The importance of communication and comprehension in relationships.
25:21 Creating happy habits to strengthen relationships.
30:13 Strategies for having difficult conversations in relationships.
36:34 Nurturing lasting love: Building strong relationships through relational skills and practices.
41:29 Upcoming workshop for couples to rebuild their connection.
Mentioned Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Abi Singh LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/abi-singh-73572a41
Instagram: instagram.com/coachabisingh
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Developing secure attachment skills in a relationship is crucial for creating a strong and lasting bond with your partner. In this fast-paced world, it can be easy to neglect your relationship and fail to prioritize the emotional safety that comes with a secure attachment. However, neglecting your relationship can have long-term consequences and negatively impact both you and your partner.
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins, EJ, and Tarah Kerwin discuss the skills needed to develop secure attachments in relationships. They provide actionable steps to help you strengthen your attachment style and create a more loving and fulfilling partnership.
Whether you're single, dating, or in a long-term relationship, listen to this episode to discover how you can develop secure attachment skills in your relationships.
EJ and Tarah Kerwin are the hosts of The Relationship Renovation Podcast. They are two licensed therapists, a married couple raising a blended family with four children, and owners of a couples counseling center in Tucson, AZ. They have created a couples counseling program that has supported thousands of couples in creating more secure, loving, and intimate relationships.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:31 The birth of the couples counseling center.
11:43 Creating emotional safety and support: Understanding secure attachment in couples therapy.
17:07 Recognizing negative core beliefs and learning from conflict.
23:33 Creating emotional safety in heterosexual relationships: Understanding triggers, developing compassion, and managing conflict.
27:56 Improving relationships through self-reflection and shared responsibility.
34:30 The importance of holding hope and creating a secure, loving, and more deeply intimate connection with one's partner.
39:15 Building safe and strong relationships through somatic work.
Mentioned Relationship Renovation Counselling Centre
Relationship Renovation at Home Program
Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 291: How “Love Is Not Enough” – An Interview with Dr. Stan Tatkin
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with EJ & Tarah Kerwin Websites: relationshiprenovation.com
Facebook: relationshiprenovationcounseling
TikTok: tiktok.com/@relationshiprenovation
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCfb8I3evBi7aZcVnmvN_yPw
Instagram: instagram.com/relationship_renovation
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Communication is the foundation of any healthy and fulfilling relationship, but expressing yourself in a way that fosters love and connection can be difficult, especially when conflicts arise.
In this interview, Laura Doyle, a relationship coach and author of "The Empowered Wife" discusses six essential skills for building intimacy and connection with your partner. From taking care of yourself to relinquishing control, showing respect, receiving graciously, embracing vulnerability, and using positive affirmations, Laura offers practical tools that can transform your relationship, even in seemingly hopeless situations.
If you're looking to deepen your connection and create a more fulfilling relationship, listen to this episode to discover Laura's expert advice on how to express yourself in ways that inspire love and connection.
New York Times bestselling author Laura Doyle was the perfect wife...until she actually got married. She is the founder of the international relationship coach training school Laura Doyle Connect, the star of Empowered Wives on Amazon Prime, the Creator of The Ridiculously Happy Wife program, the host of The Empowered Wife Podcast. She has helped over 15,000 women fix their relationships--even the hopeless ones-- without their husband’s effort.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:19 Laura shares how her personal experience led her to develop a coaching model and framework that supports women in heterosexual relationships.
10:24 How a women’s support group turned into a movement to end divorce.
19:49 Two "cheat phrases" that can help improve communication in a relationship.
25:43 The power of intimacy skills, receptivity, and manifesting desires.
41:09 Take charge of your own happiness: The power of self-care and positive cycles in relationships.
44:54 Building positive relationships through fundamental cues and intimacy skills: Insights from “The Empowered Wife”
51:36 Laura reveals the 6 intimacy skills that can improve your marriage, even in seemingly hopeless situations.
Mentioned The Empowered Wife, Updated and Expanded Edition: Six Surprising Secrets for Attracting Your Husband's Time, Attention, and Affection (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Empowered Wife Podcast with Laura Doyle
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Laura Doyle Websites: lauradoyle.org
Facebook: facebook.com/lauradoyle.org
Twitter: twitter.com/lauramdoyle
YouTube: youtube.com/user/lauradoyleauthor
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/lauramdoyle
Podcast: lauradoyle.org/podcasts
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Is your relationship constantly fraught with emotional arguments? When things get tough, do you resort to emotional weapons like anger, blame, or shutting down?
It's time to take a step back and examine the role these emotional weapons play in your relationship.
In this episode, Dr. Shawn Haywood and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss the ways in which people use emotional weapons to protect themselves, the negative impacts of using these weapons, and how to identify and disarm them. Dr. Haywood shares valuable insights and practical tips for gaining awareness of our emotional weapons, asking for what we need, and finding healthier ways to meet our needs in relationships.
Through deep devotion and commitment to her evolving spiritual path, author, speaker, and life and relationship coach for 24 years, Shawn Haywood, Ph.D., continues to transform toward increasing unconditional love and joy for the whole of her life, while teaching her clients and team to do the same so that their lives, marriages, health, and businesses can thrive in unimaginable ways.
If you're interested in improving your relationships and creating deeper connections with your partner, this interview is a must-listen.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
2:57 Dr. Shawn Haywood shares insights on laying down emotional weapons and achieving fight-free marriages and relationships.
8:48 Emotional weapons and surrender techniques for relationship success.
13:10 How to overcome disempowering effects caused by blaming oneself or others.
16:00 How to work with the body, mind, and spirit to resolve conflict.
22:08 How to break old habits and replace them with new ones.
27:27 Identifying and understanding emotional weapons: The importance of laying down emotional weapons and cultivating vulnerability in relationships.
40:30 A guide to disarming emotional weapons.
Mentioned Living For Love: Set Yourself Free from the Daily Stress, Worry & Hurry that Wears You Down (Amazon affiliate link*) (book)
Reroute Your Relationship (free guide link)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Shawn Haywood Websites: reimaginelove.com
Facebook: facebook.com/shawn.ashley.haywood
Instagram: instagram.com/drshawnhaywood
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drshawnhaywood
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
In today's fast-paced world, we often hear about the importance of maintaining a healthy relationship, but how do we actually assess the health of our connection?
In this episode, Dr. Réne Vázquez del Valle, a psychotherapist, and author of "Head Heart Crotch Connections: How Not to Fail in Search of Your Perfect" shares his simple yet profound formula for evaluating the head, heart, and sexual connection in our relationships and provides tips for identifying areas of weakness and working on them.
Dr. Vázquez del Valle breaks down his technique and offers a free connection scale on his website, allowing individuals to assess their level of connection and identify areas that need improvement.
Join us in this insightful conversation as we explore the importance of connection and how to maintain its health.
Dr. René G. Vázquez del Valle, DSW, received his MSW at Columbia University and his Doctorate at the CUNY Graduate School. He was an Adjunct Professor at Long Island University; guest speaker at both the NYU School of Medicine, Dept. of Psychiatry and CUNY Law School. He retired from the NYS Office of Mental Health after 30 years of clinical practice. He currently resides in NYC and East Hampton, NY, and works as a private practice therapist.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
3:44 How to assess success or failure in a relationship and the different factors that contribute to it.
13:16 The importance of descriptive language and mutual connection in relationships.
17:26 The importance of different types of connections in a relationship.
23:40 Understanding your partner’s needs: Enhancing connection in relationships through emotional, sexual, and intellectual fulfillment
28:52 Analyzing the fight-or-flight response to improve connection in relationships.
31:07 Understanding attachment style and types of connections.
33:25 Defense mechanisms and their impact on an individual's ability to connect with others
39:56 Understanding marianismo and the effects of shame on connection and wellbeing.
44:00 Dr. René Vázquez del Valle talks about his book and explains how the simple formula of assessing head, heart, and crotch connections can have profound effects on people's lives.
Mentioned Head, Heart, Crotch Connections: How Not to Fail In Search of Your Perfect Union (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Connection Rating Scale
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. René Vázquez del Valle Websites: renev.authorchannel.co
Facebook: facebook.com/reneleo2
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/rené-vázquez-del-valle-dsw-lcsw-r-71484563
Instagram: instagram.com/rene_vdelv
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
With the changing dynamics of society, the traditional definition of masculinity is being redefined, and there is a growing need for men to develop new skills and behaviors to thrive in today's world.
In this episode, we will explore actionable steps that men can take to develop these traits, enhance their personal growth, and succeed in both their personal and professional lives. Join us as we dive into this fascinating topic and discover how you can develop modern, high-value, masculine traits.
Kristal DeSantis is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with specializations in trauma, sex therapy, couples, and men's mental health issues. Creator of the STRONG Relationship Therapy Model of trauma-informed couples therapy. Certified clinical trauma professional with training in EMDR, complex PTSD, and relational trauma in first responders, LEOs, and veterans.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:32 Kristal Desantis’ background and interest in working with men, emphasizing the importance of normalizing therapy and emotional intelligence as part of strength building.
9:06 Redefining masculinity: moving beyond traditional roles and finding new ways to be a “high value” man.
16:33 Relationship field guide for the modern man: emphasizing safety and self-awareness.
20:05 The four key components of building a healthy relationship
27:07 Importance of self-regulation and trust in building healthy relationships.
30:35 The importance of Strong model for healthy and thriving relationships.
37:15 The importance of nurturing connection in relationships and expanding the definition of pleasure beyond just sex and increasing and expanding examples of pleasure.
40:30 A personal story and insights on true generosity and self-care.
Mentioned Strong: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Kristal DeSantis Websites: strong.love
Twitter: twitter.com/atxtherapist
Instagram: instagram.com/atxtherapist
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kristal-desantis
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Relationships can be a beautiful source of joy and growth, but they can also be incredibly challenging. Every person enters into a relationship with their own experiences, beliefs, and patterns of behavior. These can either support or hinder the connection we are trying to build with our partner. To create a healthy and fulfilling relationship, it's crucial to recognize that we have work to do on ourselves. The question is -- what does "your work" within a relationship really mean?
In this episode, we'll explore actionable steps you can take to cultivate a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner, and create a more harmonious and loving relationship.
Madhur-Nain Webster is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in the integration of eastern and western philosophies for mental health for individuals and couples. Her first book, The Stressless Brain (2018), makes a scientific argument for the positive influence meditation has on the psyche; she is currently working on her second book. In addition to releasing over 60 meditation singles, Madhur-Nain maintains international outreach by appearing on podcasts and holding meditation workshops.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:33 The importance of transparency and collaboration in couples therapy: Navigating individual and couples work and addressing behavioral change
11:46 Individual therapy: The importance of doing your own work to benefit your relationships.
17:15 A discussion on adjusting lenses and coping mechanisms towards relationship longevity.
22:26 The importance of self-reflection in relationships.
29:03 The Importance of Continuous Personal Growth and Therapy in Building Healthy Self-Esteem and Self-Worth.
34:29 Cultivating the wise self and soul self.
Mentioned Soul-Self & the Emotional Facets of Your Personality (workshop)
The Stressless Brain (book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Madhur-Nain Webster Websites: madhurnain.com
Facebook: facebook.com/madhurnainwebster
Spotify: open.spotify.com/artist/5wvZFb0E0Ybc4oSdlDSn0h
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCOof1-ACJXP9SufPBHbQeQw
Instagram: instagram.com/madhurnain
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Are you feeling stressed out and overwhelmed? Do you find yourself struggling to manage the demands of everyday life? If so, you're not alone. Stress is a common experience for many people, and it can have a significant impact on your health and well-being. But what if you could learn how to master your stress and reset your health? In this episode, we explore how to do just that with Dr. Doni Wilson, a leading expert in stress and health optimization. She shares insights from her book, "Master Your Stress, Reset Your Health," as well as practical tips and strategies for recovering from stress and building resilience.
Dr. Doni Wilson is a Naturopathic Doctor, certified professional midwife, certified nutrition specialist, and bestselling author of Master Your Stress, Reset Your Health. Dr. Doni suffered from migraines, and in the process of solving them, she developed her Stress Recovery Protocol. Dr. Doni brings awareness to the impact of stress and trauma on our health and how it is possible to recover and become resilient to stress.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:50 Naturopathic doctor shares insights on root causes of health issues and the power of addressing stress.
12:08 Understanding cortisol and managing stress: Finding the right herbs for optimal cortisol levels.
17:18 The importance of cortisol: Understanding the benefits of regulating this powerful hormone.
23:00 Navigating the limitations of health insurance and investing in preventive care.
25:18 Identifying and understanding the five common stress types.
29:47 A case study of a couple’s journey to optimum cortisol and adrenaline levels.
35:29 A guide to resetting your health.
40:21 The care approach and the role of relationships in stress recovery.
Mentioned Master Your Stress, Reset Your Health: The Personalized Program to Calm Anxiety, Boost Energy, and Beat Burnout (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Dr. Doni’s Stress Type Quiz
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Doni Wilson Websites: doctordoni.com
Facebook: facebook.com/drdoniwilson
Twitter: twitter.com/glutenfreedoc
YouTube: youtube.com/user/DoniWilsonND
Instagram: instagram.com/drdoniwilson
Pinterest: pinterest.com/DoctorDoni
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ho-humans-heal/id1509561919
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Human sexuality is a complex and fascinating topic that has intrigued people for centuries. Sexual desire, in particular, is an essential aspect of our sexuality, yet many people struggle to understand and increase it. In this episode, we delved into the intricacies of sexual desire, exploring the factors that can impact it and the techniques that can help boost it. From exploring the impact of stress and lifestyle factors to discussing the benefits of mindfulness and communication, we uncovered a wealth of insights that can help individuals enhance their sexual desire and improve their overall sexual experiences. Whether you're struggling with a low sex drive or simply looking to deepen your connection with your partner, the insights shared in this conversation offer valuable guidance for anyone seeking to understand and increase their sexual desire.
Dr. Lori Brotto is a Professor in the UBC Department of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, a Registered Psychologist in Vancouver, Canada and the Executive Director of the Women's Health Research Institute of BC. Dr. Brotto holds a Canada Research Chair in Women's Sexual Health. Her book, Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire (2018) is a knowledge translation product aimed at sharing the science of sexual desire with a broad audience, and the accompanying Workbook will be published by Greystone in October 2022.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
7:16 From volunteering with rats to researching female sexual dysfunction: A journey of unexpected discoveries.
12:40 Causes and factors contributing to low desire in women.
18:44 A paradigm shift in cultivating desire for long-term relationships.
24:25 Understanding the impact of low desire on relationships and cultivating arousal.
26:55 Tips for reframing sexual experiences in a more positive light.
33:45 The importance of mindfulness in enhancing sexual response.
Mentioned The Better Sex Through Mindfulness Workbook: A Guide to Cultivating Desire (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Connect with Dr. Lori Brotto Websites: loribrotto.com | brottolab.com
Twitter: twitter.com/DrLoriBrotto | twitter.com/ubcshr
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Do you find yourself constantly drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable or abusive?
If so, it's time to hit the reset button on your attachment system and break free from the cycle of toxic relationships. In this age of self-help and personal growth, there are countless resources available to help you navigate the complex world of relationships. One such resource is Mark Sholes' book, "Reset Your Romantic GPS: The Journey to Self-Discovery and Healthy Relationships."
Through his extensive experience as a therapist and his own personal journey, Sholes offers practical guidance on how to rewire your attachment system and establish healthier patterns in your relationships. So if you're ready to take control of your love life and build fulfilling, sustainable relationships, tune in to this episode to learn more about how to reset your attachment system for a healthy relationship.
Marc is a New York City psychotherapist with 35+ years of experience working with individuals and couples. He is a board member, faculty, and supervisor at the National Institute for Psychotherapies, a leading training institute for psychotherapists.
He is also the author of the popular book Reset Your Romantic GPS: Why You Steer Toward the Wrong Partners and How to Change for the Better.
Marc lives in Manhattan with his wife and three children.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
7:33 Attachment and its impact on relationships.
15:36 The impact of insecure attachment on a child's development and how it affects their adult life.
20:57 The benefits of taking risks and standing up for oneself, even if it may not result in a positive outcome.
23:40 Motivators for change and overcoming hindrances in developing healthy habits and relationships.
29:03 Overcoming fear and loneliness from childhood trauma.
32:07 Overcoming challenges to make healthy choices and improve mental health.
38:00 Understanding the avoidant style in relationships and navigating healthy patterns with "Reset Your Romantic GPS”
Mentioned Reset Your Romantic GPS: Why You Steer Toward The Wrong Partners, And How To Change Direction For The Better ***(Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Ana Marc Sholes Websites: arcsholeslcsw.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Being difficult in relationships is a topic that is often misunderstood and shunned as the term "difficult" is usually associated with negativity, but what if it could be a catalyst for growth and development in our relationships?
In this episode, we'll challenge the common notion that smooth sailing is the ideal in relationships, and instead, explore how speaking up, having honest conversations, and being vulnerable can lead to deeper emotional intimacy and stronger relationships. Join us as we dive into the power of being "difficult" and how it can assist in the growth and development of our relationships.
Tonya Lester is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, private psychotherapist, Psychology Today contributor and author. For over 16 years, Tonya has taught couples and individuals how to manage their minds and emotions, develop relationships that are mutually respectful and supportive and approach decision-making and communication with clarity and courage. She believes in starting where you are, experimenting with new ways of being and focusing all of your attention on what you can do now, as opposed to fixating on what is currently out of reach.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's
In this episode
04:55 Understanding how unspoken resentment impacts long-term relationships.
8:35 What is good about being difficult?
14:13 How to navigate difficult conversations in relationships.
20:18 Tonya encourages co-creation and mindfulness in relationships.
25:34 Communicating effectively in relationships and overcoming gender roles and expectations.
28:57 Honesty, vulnerability, and setting boundaries in relationships.
34:13 Overcoming gendered paradigms in relationships through assertiveness.
39:46 Three key elements to navigating difficult conversations in relationships.
45:40 Finding the middle ground between shame and grandiosity.
51:27 Tonya’s vision for society: Building a world of collaborators.
Mentioned Are you the Good Kind of Difficult? (*quiz)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Tonya Lester Websites: tonyalester.com
TikTok: tiktok.com/@tonyalesterlcsw
Instagram: instagram.com/tonyalesterpsychotherapy
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
The definition of masculinity has been undergoing a significant change in recent years, with a growing realization that the traditional model of masculinity has been harmful and limiting for men.
In this episode, we delve into the uncharted territories of masculinity and the challenges men face in today's society. Our guest, Trevor, shares his journey and the lessons he has learned along the way, including his latest project, "Behind the Masks of Men," a three-month program aimed at helping men delve deeper into the topics of anger, relationships, sex, and desire.
Join us as we explore the false initiation of sexuality through porn and the importance of tackling these taboo topics for the betterment of not just men, but society as a whole.
Traver Boehm is the author of the books Today I Rise and Man UNcivilized. He’s a two time TEDx speaker, men’s coach, and the founder of the UNcivilized Men’s Movement. He’s helped men all over the world to become UNcivilized as they wake up to meditate, train their bodies, and blaze their own path by uniquely blending both the primal and the divine within them.
He is dedicated to doing his part to help end the suffering in men, and the suffering caused by men, by guiding them through their own journey into an actualized version of masculinity.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
2:46 Traver Boehm's personal journey of self-discovery and growth after a series of events in his life that led to a destabilization of his sense of identity and purpose.
12:12 A new paradigm of masculinity proposed amidst epidemic of pain in the male population.
18:23 Breaking down gender stereotypes: The negative impact of narrow masculine emotional expression.
20:17 Understanding masculinity in today's society.
26:08 Exploring the importance of balancing masculine and emotional intelligence in relationships.
32:37 Integrating masculine and feminine: Moving beyond limiting identities.
38:26 The importance of integrity in relationships and life.
41:31 Understanding the pain of "nice guys" and practical solutions.
47:53 The power of embracing the primal and divine within.
53:46 Behind the masks of men: A three-month program to explore emotional and sexual issues.
Mentioned Behind the Masks of Men
Man UNcivilized (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Today I Rise: How To Overcome The Gut-Wrenching Pain Of Your Breakup Or Divorce & Reclaim Your Life (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Traver Boehm Websites: manuncivilized.com
Podcast: The UNcivilized Podcast with Traver Boehm
Instagram: instagram.com/traverboehm/?hl=en
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
In relationships, it's not uncommon to experience difficulties and obstacles that can strain even the strongest of bonds. However, with the right tools and approach, it's possible to not only heal from past hurts but also continue to grow and develop as individuals and as a couple.In this episode, renowned relationship expert Gary De Rodriguez shares his insights and wisdom on how to achieve healing and development while in a relationship. From taking ownership of our thoughts and emotions to speaking with kindness and drawing appropriate boundaries, Gary provides actionable steps and practical advice to help individuals and couples navigate the ups and downs of relationships with ease.Gary De Rodriguez known as the People Mechanic is an internationally acclaimed expert in the science of human excellence with over a 35-year career in designing and integrating influential models of psychology-based systems of success in leadership, human behavior, relationships, communication, team dynamics.He is the CEO of Peopleistic LLC USA, Associate Professor at the Business Education Institute, Master Trainer in Humanistic Neuro-Linguistic Psychology, a licensed Executive Coach, and Published Author on the topic of Humanistic Business.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:17 An overview of Gary de Rodriguez's 35-year career in human excellence.
14:28 The importance of relationships and the role they play in personal growth and evolution.
20:24 Exploring the concept of psychological safety and its impact on relationships and team dynamics
24:44 The importance of understanding the impact of our emotions and behavior on the culture and energy in our home and environment.
30:03 The importance of boundaries and relationships in personal evolution and growth.
34:37 Key to improved relationships and overcoming trauma.
40:28 Understanding the impact of past traumas and the urgency to develop mental and emotional skills to live a fulfilling life.
46:07 The realization that made Gary break away from his addiction and start a journey of self-improvement.
51:59 The one thing that creates psychological safety is our ability to manage our own minds.
Mentioned Creating Incredible Relationships (*Gary’s course)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Gary De Rodriguez Websites: peopleistic.com
Facebook: facebook.com/peopleistic
Twitter: twitter.com/garyderodriguez
YouTube: youtube.com/user/peopleistic
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/garyderodriguez
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Are you constantly checking your phone while spending time with your partner? Do you find yourself spending more time on social media than connecting with your significant other?
Technology has drastically changed the way we interact and communicate in our relationships. From social media to dating apps, technology has greatly impacted the way we form and maintain intimacy in our relationships. But what exactly are the effects of technology on intimacy?In this episode, we will dive into the research and explore the positive and negative impacts of technology on intimacy in relationships, from how it can enhance connection and communication to how it can lead to feelings of disconnection and dissatisfaction.Join us as we uncover the truth about how technology is shaping the way we connect with our loved ones.
Tim Johnson is the founder and CEO of Couply, which is an app for couples. Couply has helped over 250,000 people build better relationships.Prior to that, he was with Wattpad, which was an app that helped writers share their books, which grew to 100 million monthly users and was acquired by Naver for 660 million.Tim also spent 10x years in the Red Cross, in various programs from, helping reunite families separated by war and conflict, to supporting bullying prevention in youth.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:16 An app that helps people navigate and sustain healthy relationships inspired by his personal experience and heartache.
12:49 How technology is impacting the relationship space: Insights from a study of 1500 couples.
21:07 Social media algorithms and their psychological impact, including the infinite scroll feature and how it can lead to people becoming distracted and spending more time on their phones than intended.
26:05 The conversation of trust and boundaries in the digital age.
35:44 The pressure of presenting a perfect relationship on social media and its negative effects on mental health.
41:52 How technology can be helpful for relationships and self-discovery: the importance of discussing both the positive and negative aspects.
44:30 Virtual reality and long-distance relationships.
51:03 The power of the enneagram app.
57:30 Tim explains how the Kupple app gamifies the relationship-building process and makes it more convenient for couples to connect.
Mentioned EEP 255: How to Deal with Problems Related to Social Media in Relationship – An Interview with Dr. Marisa T. Cohen
Sharing Resources (*Google form)
Connect with Tim Johnson Websites: couply.io
Instagram: instagram.com/tigertimj/?hl=en | instagram.com/couplyapp/?hl=en
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Sexual intimacy is a vital component of any healthy relationship, but for many couples, it can be a challenge to maintain. Whether it's due to changes in your body, stress, or other obstacles, it can be difficult to keep the passion alive. However, there is hope. With a little bit of self-awareness and some open communication with your partner, you can reignite the spark and nurture sexual intimacy in your relationship.
In this episode, we'll explore some tips and strategies for overcoming obstacles and reigniting the passion in your relationship. So, if you're ready to take your intimacy to the next level, listen to this episode to learn more.
Dr. Liz is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Relationship Coach with over 35 years and 75,000+ hours of expertise working with women and couples to reignite relationships so they can prevent divorce, infidelity, and dissatisfaction and navigate huge life transitions.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
4:09 Nurturing intimacy and passion: The importance of "redos" in order to address mistakes in relationships and improve communication and connection.
10:52 Myths and realities of sexual intimacy in long-term relationships: How life stages and circumstances impact couples.
20:19 Navigating life stages and overcoming challenges to maintain intimacy in relationships.
26:07 The challenges and opportunities in building and maintaining a sexual connection.
31:41 The Importance of Self-Awareness and Relaxation.
36:16 The importance of self-care, mindfulness, and communication in the bedroom.
42:05 Misperceptions and fears in sexual intimacy: How to address and communicate to maintain passion and connection.
47:29 The unconscious strategies to avoid intimacy.
Mentioned Free Connection Call with Dr. Liz (*Calendly)
Weekend Reconnect Coaching Program
FREE Gift Couple's Connection Checklist
Sharing Resources (*Google form)
Connect with Dr. Liz Jenkins Websites: drlizjenkins.com
Facebook: facebook.com/DrLizJenkins
Instagram: instagram.com/dr_liz_jenkins
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Are you tired of feeling unheard and unseen in your relationships? Do you struggle with finding a shared reality with your partner? If so, you're not alone. Many of us struggle to navigate the complexities of human interaction and connection. But the good news is, with the right tools and mindset, you can improve your relationships and create a deeper sense of connection and understanding with those around you. In this episode, Dr. Heather Browne shares some actionable steps and practical advice for creating a shared reality in your relationship and improving communication and connection with your loved ones. From identifying and expressing your needs to holding boundaries and creating space for growth and healing, this episode is packed with valuable insights and strategies for building stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
As a relationship expert, Dr. Heather Browne has worked with thousands of individuals and couples in psychotherapy. She is published in hundreds of journals, has an active YouTube channel, has been featured on ABC-7 news, was the relationship expert on KDOC Daybreak OC, and is published in Inc., The Toronto Sun, Thriving Family Magazine, Light + Life, and Psychology Today. She is a regular guest blogger for both Links for Shrinks and for Marriage Friendly Therapists.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
7:36 Dr. Browne's personal experience that inspired her to help couples.
11:33 Relationship: A place for growth and learning.
19:18 Ownership of ourselves and how we choose to perceive things.
24:25 Navigating difficult conversations in relationships.
31:23 Navigating differences and maintaining connection: The art of empathy and holding multiple truths.
34:21 The importance of curiosity in a healthy relationship.
39:26 Navigating the balance of self-care and caring for others.
44:29 The process of growth and transformation in relationships, emphasizing the importance of communication, curiosity, and compassion.
53:00 Where to find a variety of resources and learn more about her and her work.
Mentioned Sharing Resources (*Google form)
Connect with Dr. Heather Browne Websites: drheatherbrowne.com
Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063801931581
TikTok: tiktok.com/t/ZTd7b3xEh
Instagram: instagram.com/dr.heatherbrowne
YouTube: youtu.be/ulYsgmXJmdc
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drheatherbrowne
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Our personal history can shape the way we perceive and react to the behavior of others and the types of relationships we form. If we have experienced neglect or abuse in the past, it may be more difficult for us to trust others and form close relationships. We may also be more prone to anxiety or depression. On the other hand, if we had a supportive and nurturing upbringing, we may be more confident and able to form healthy, positive relationships.
In this episode, Ana Gabriel Mann discusses the use of neurofeedback as a treatment for trauma and other issues such as PTSD, brain injury, and processing disorders. They describe the process of neurofeedback and how it can be used to specifically target and address specific areas of the brain that may be over or understimulated. She also emphasizes the importance of self-care and the role it plays in healing and personal growth.
Ana Gabriel Mann earned her Master’s degree in clinical psychology before going on to serve as an educator, therapist, and corporate trainer. She currently coaches Go-Giver Marriage clients and leads the Go-Giver Marriage Coaches Training Program.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:45 Exploring the use of authentic movement in processing and healing trauma.
11:57 The importance of boundaries in therapy, particularly in couples therapy.
22:47 Understanding and managing flooding and multigenerational PTSD with EEG neurofeedback therapy.
29:03 The Benefits of Neurofeedback Therapy for Managing Trauma and Overaroused Nervous Systems.
37:12 Neurofeedback for trauma, brain injury, and processing disorders: How EEG therapy can help regulate brain function and promote healing.
48:46 The importance of prioritizing self-care in trauma healing and personal growth.
51:42 How they’re helping individuals and couples.
Mentioned The Go-Giver Marriage: A Little Story About the Five Secrets to Lasting Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Sharing Resources (*Google form)
ERP 270: How to Resolve Relational Trauma in the Body through Dance & Movement – An Interview with Orit Krug
Connect with Ana Gabriel Mann Websites: gogivermarriage.com
Facebook: facebook.com/anagabrielmann
Twitter: twitter.com/AnaGabrielMann
Instagram: instagram.com/AnaGabrielMann
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Death is a natural and inevitable part of life. It is a reminder of our own mortality and the impermanence of things. While it can be a difficult and painful experience, it is believed that consciousness about death brings people closer to each other.
In this episode, Dr. Jordana Jacobs talks about the importance of mortality awareness and how denial of this fundamental human experience can lead to greater suffering and isolation. This awareness can also inspire us to prioritize our relationships, make the most of the time we have together, and find a deeper sense of purpose and meaning in life.
Dr. Jordana Jacobs is a clinical psychologist in private practice in New York City. Her approach is integrative, combining psychodynamic and existential therapy in her treatment of patients. Dr. Jacobs’ training at Memorial Sloan Kettering working with terminally ill cancer patients, her studies in Northern India, and her Vipassana meditation practice inspired her work exploring the complex relationship between death and love.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
10:31 Dr. Jacobs' unwavering faith in the power of love and connection to bring meaning and resilience in the face of trauma and loss.
14:09 Exploring the complex interplay between love and death in long-term relationships.
16:56 How the power of mortality awareness can deepen love and meaning in life.
25:56 How denying or avoiding this fundamental human experience can lead to greater suffering and isolation.
35:27 How surrendering to difficult emotions and experiences can help us move forward.
37:33 Actionable steps you can take to gently bring mortality into awareness.
Mentioned Ram Dass Fierce Grace (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Love & Death Meditation (*Youtube video)
Love & Letting Go Meditation (*Youtube video)
WeCroak
Sharing Resources (*Google form)
Connect with Dr. Jordana Jacobs Websites: drjordanajacobs.com
Instagram: instagram.com/drjordanajacobs/?hl=en
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Do you find yourself constantly overreacting to your partner’s words and actions, or do you often overthink simple things and always assume the worst?
Everyone faces challenges and struggles in life, and it's natural to feel overwhelmed or uncertain at times, but it's important to remember that there are ways to reduce overthinking so you can be your best self and enjoy life.
In this episode, Alicia Munoz discusses the five rumination cycles that destroy relationships and four simple ways to break these cycles.
Alicia Muñoz, LPC, is a certified couples therapist, and author of four books, most recently "Stop Overthinking Your Relationship: Break the Cycle of Anxious Rumination to Nourish Love, Trust, and Connection With Your Partner" (New Harbinger Publications, 2022). Muñoz currently works as a Senior Writer at Psychotherapy Networker and as a couples therapist in private practice.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
3:17 How overthinking obstructs connection and relationships.
13:56 What rumination in relationships looks like.
18:08 The five rumination cycles.
27:41 How attachment styles influence rumination.
31:16 Four simple ways to reduce the amount of overthinking.
41:22 The significance of having direct contact with oneself.
47:25 How to break the cycle of anxious rumination in your relationship.
Mentioned Stop Overthinking Your Relationship: Break the Cycle of Anxious Rumination to Nurture Love, Trust, and Connection with Your Partner (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The 7 Hidden Relationship-Wreckers (free mini course)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Alicia Muñoz Websites: aliciamunoz.com
Facebook: facebook.com/aliciamunozlpc
Twitter: twitter.com/aliciamunozlpc
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/aliciamunozlpc
Instagram: instagram.com/aliciamunozcouples
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Although emotional intelligence is important in developing positive relationships, it is only one piece of the puzzle. Some of the factors that contribute to long-lasting relationships are establishing rapport, developing trust, and embracing inclusivity or diversity.
In this episode, Dr. Adam C. Bandelli talks about his research on the pros and cons of emotional intelligence and how this can make or break your relationships. He then introduces the concept of relational intelligence, going through each of its five essential skills.
Relational intelligence, sometimes referred to as social intelligence, is the capacity to perceive, understand, and navigate emotions in oneself and others, and to use this awareness to effectively communicate and interact with others.
Dr. Bandelli, emphasizes that by developing your relational intelligence, you can improve your communication skills, build strong relationships, and effectively navigate social situations.
Founder and Managing Director of Bandelli & Associates, Dr. Adam C. Bandelli is an organizational psychologist and seasoned leadership advisor with over twenty years of corporate consulting experience. In his latest book, "Relational Intelligence," he details the five essential skills he has found to create life-changing relationships. Adam received his Ph.D. and master’s degree from the University of South Florida and now runs Bandelli & Associates, where he and his consultants help their clients unleash their true leadership potential.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
7:14 Guest introduction: An athlete turned psychologist/leadership advisor.
10:12 Emotional intelligence plays a role in creating strong relationships.
12:30 Define relational intelligence and the five essential skills for developing life-changing relationships.
12:50 Building rapport: The ability to use energy to make a positive first impression on others.
18:04 Investing in deepening relationships through time and effort.
22:07 Celebrating diversity and inclusion.
19:08 Understanding and connecting with others.
40:56 Information on how listeners can access resources to support them in improving their communication and negotiating skills in relationships.
Mentioned Relational Intelligence; The Five Essential Skills You Need to Build Life-Changing
Relationships (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Facilitating Communication and Effective Interpersonal Relationships at Work: A Theoretical Model of Socio-Affective Competence (dissertation)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
ERP 336: Strengthen Your Relationship with 5 Daily Practices — An Interview with John David & Ana Gabriel Mann
Connect with Dr. Adam C. Bandelli Websites: bandelliandassociates.com
Twitter: twitter.com/abandelli
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCDhhamF26lfFqe8UAsEFv4g/featured
Instagram: instagram.com/adambandelli
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/adambandelli
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Have you ever felt like you were trying to fit into someone else’s shoes? Maybe you've wanted to do something that you know will make you happy but have been holding back out of concern for what people will think of you.
Well, you are not alone. Many people around the world are afraid to be who they truly are because they are scared of being rejected and abandoned. As a result, they hide and carry on living lives that are dictated by society, family, or friends.
But how would you like to live your life if there were no rules or judgment?
In this episode, Keely and Dani, the founders of Coming Out Happy, talk about their journey from their early struggles with sexuality and confidence to living the most authentic lives that they want to share with the world. They discuss overcoming insecurities and fears, self-love, and creating a safe space for queer adults so that they can grow closer as a community.
Dani and Keely created the world's leading holistic mental wellness platform for queer adults. They help you achieve better relationship skills, healthier habits, and greater well-being. Instantly, you will find mind-body wellness tools, courses, and intentionally-designed exercises to help one increase their peace, happiness, and balance in life as a queer adult.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:39 Dani’s inspiration for supporting the LGBTQ+ community: struggles with sexuality and confidence.
7:37 How Keely's inability to express herself negatively affected her relationships.
8:21 Dani’s decision to quit her corporate job and start a membership for the LGBTQ+ community.
14:00 How the inner work of self-care and self-love can help you move into the world in a way that feels more true to you.
17:21 Making a safe space for the LGBTQ+ community?
31:03 How to work with insecurity and fears that will emerge in relationships
36:05 The importance of community and community-building.
45:49 How they resolve conflicts or when either feels triggered.
Mentioned Pride Amplified Program
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
ERP 349: Navigating Cultural Differences in Relationship — An Interview with Dr. Kathrine Bejanyan
Connect with Keely & Dani Website: comingouthappy.com
TikTok: tiktok.com/@comingouthappyteam?lang=en
Facebook: facebook.com/comingouthappy
YouTube: youtube.com/c/ComingOutHappy
Instagram: instagram.com/comingouthappy
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Childhood, environment, culture, religion, and background all have an impact on who we become and how we perceive ourselves. These factors also influence how we present ourselves in relationships.
Most relationships start out with the lovely phase of courting and falling in love. Up until differences arise, everything seems to be perfect. These differences can be significant life choices like having children, purchasing a home, moving to a different country or city, or even something as basic as eating habits. Dealing with cross-cultural differences makes this even more challenging.
Dr. Kathrine Bejanyan discusses the typical issues that couples from various cultures encounter. She acknowledges that some sacrifices are necessary for the relationships to work, but she also expresses caution, saying that some sacrifices are not worthwhile.
In this episode, she discusses how to resolve disagreements with your partner or get yourself ready for a successful relationship with someone from a different background.
Dr. Kathrine Bejanyan is a practicing therapist specializing in the areas of dating, relationships, and cross-cultural topics. Her practice focuses on working with individuals and couples on love, dating, and relationship issues, with an emphasis on building deeper intimacy, connection, and authenticity in their love lives. Outside of her private practice, Kathrine is a speaker, consultant, and lecturer in psychology. She holds a Ph.D. in social psychology and a Master's in counseling psychology.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:31 Dr. Kathrine Bejanyan’s keen interest in understanding cultural dynamics.
11:34 How overcoming struggles fosters relationships and individual growth.
13:50 Defining the problem before solving it.
17:38 Typical issues that cross-cultural couples face.
20:04 The importance of curiosity in a healthy relationship.
26:33 How to handle cultural differences in relationships.
36:29 Cultural identity is dynamic rather than static.
48:42 How to connect with Kathrine.
Mentioned Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Dr. Kathrine Bejanyan Websites: kathrinebejanyan.com
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/dr-kathrine-bejanyan
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
The separate self is a lie.
Contrary to modern culture’s idea of the solo self or individualism, which emphasizes the need to look out for and take care of oneself above all else, indigenous people believe that everything is interconnected. There has always been a connection between us and the rest of the world.
Although it originated in Western culture, individualism is a global phenomenon that prevents us from living in greater balance and harmony.
In today's society, self-reliance is highly stressed and valued, which gives the impression that we are on our own and leaves a lot of people experiencing feelings of worthlessness, loneliness, and desperation.
In this episode, Dr. Dan Siegel aims to shift that mindset into a more relational approach. He places a strong emphasis on how crucial it is to understand how connected we all are. He believes that by understanding and embracing this ancient message, we can find solutions to more significant problems like public health and planetary health, in addition to our relationships with other people. Let’s dive in.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:38 The inspiration of the book: the deep desire to let go of the idea of the "solo self" and discover how to lead a more balanced, harmonious life.
17:33 The flimsy fantasy of certainty.
20:59 How our culture encourages us to see ourselves as separate, independent beings.
28:34 How the word “me” can be a limiting word and the origin of the word "MWe."
36:08 The ineffective use of the word "self" in the field of mental health.
41:54 The solo self is a lie: a broader understanding of who we are and the realities of our entangled lives.
48:41 How the idea of intraconnectedness, or MWe, can change romantic relationships.
Mentioned IntraConnected: MWe (Me + We) as the Integration of Self, Identity, and Belonging (book)
Wheel of Awareness by Dr. Dan Siegel
Aware: The Science and Practice of Presence--The Groundbreaking Meditation Practice (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Noosphere by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (*Wikipedia)
ERP 216: What to Know about Loneliness and Relationship
ERP 219: The Human Need for Belonging
ERP 215: How to Deal With Being “Alone Together”
ERP 208: How to Find Balance and Direction
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Dan Siegel Websites: DrDanSiegel.com | mindsightinstitute.com
Facebook: facebook.com/drdansiegel
Twitter: twitter.com/DrDanSiegel
YouTube: youtube.com/user/mindsightinstitute
Instagram: instagram.com/drdansiegel
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Do you find yourself easily triggered by your partner’s actions or tone? Perhaps he or she really did something offensive, or maybe that’s just how you perceived it. Sometimes, you don’t even understand why you’re upset.
As you've probably heard a lot of times, relationships aren't always glitz and glamour. It's more of an attraction that, once you've established safety and gone a little deeper, differences begin to surface. At this point, many would presume that their love for their partner has waned or that they made the wrong decision.
Although discomfort in intimate relationships just flies in your face, these relationships also serve a deeper purpose: emotional healing and spiritual development. You learn so much more about yourself in a relationship than you could on your own.
In this episode, Dr. Susan Campbell discusses triggers, including how they manifest, the reasons behind our emotions, and—most importantly—the five steps to trigger mastery that she outlined in her most recent book.
Susan is a best-selling author of 12 books and is the creator and publisher of three entertaining and educational card games for couples, families, work teams, and singles. Susan’s work with couples has been featured on national television, including CNN’s News Night, Good Morning America, and The Dr. Dean Edel Show, and she has been widely published in popular magazines. In 2003–2004, she was the couple therapist on the reality TV show, Truth in Love, which aired on UPN, an ABC affiliate network.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode 5:23 The couple’s journey and how it can be an opportunity for healing.
12:04 How to work with triggers in a way that is inviting.
13:05 Getting more comfortable with emotional discomfort.
33:23 How to deal with triggers that will inevitably arise in a relationship: co-triggering vs. co-regulation.
41:48 Dr. Campbell's five-step trigger mastery: from triggered to tranquil.
46:30 Why is it in your best interest to make your partner feel secure?
49:18 Your inner good mother archetype.
Mentioned From Triggered to Tranquil: How Self-Compassion and Mindful Presence Can Transform Relationship Conflicts and Heal Childhood Wounds (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Five-Minute Relationship Repair: Quickly Heal Upsets, Deepen Intimacy, and Use Differences to Strengthen Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Getting Real: Ten Truth Skills You Need to Live an Authentic Life (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Couple's Journey: Intimacy As a Path to Wholeness (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 305: The Surprising & Powerful Benefits of Learning to Tolerate Discomfort — An Interview with Dr. Anna Lembke
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Susan Campbell Websites: susancampbell.com
Facebook: facebook.com/drsusan99
Twitter: twitter.com/drsusan99
YouTube: youtube.com/user/drsusan95472?themeRefresh=1
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Most modern people are unaware of the extent to which the human nervous system is dissociated because there are so many forces—technology, social media, politics, and a whole host of other things—vying for our attention.
In this episode, Gabriel Kram talks about how these dissociative tendencies are becoming more prevalent in modern culture and how authority has robbed us of our sacred connection to the earth. Gabriel emphasizes the value of real human connection to one's overall well-being and shares their unconventional strategy to reestablish this connection.Natureza Gabriel is a connection phenomenologist. For 25 years, he has studied connection and what gets in its way. He attended Yale and Stanford universities but has been shaped more by sitting in teepees and circles than in classrooms. He has been blessed with many remarkable mentors. He is the founder and CEO of Hearth Science, Inc., convener of the Restorative Practices Alliance, and co-founder of the Academy of Applied Social Medicine.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:55 Gabriel's personal healing journey that inspired him to specialize in connection phenomenology.
11:29 Gabriel defines relatedness.
15:29 Differences between how indigenous people and Western culture conceptualize intelligence.
21:21 How dissociative tendencies are being normalized in modern society.
23:46 How our relatedness to the earth has been obliterated from our language.
39:45 How interoception can improve general wellbeing.
46:40 Gabriel defines social engagement physiology as a physical system.
54:06 A diagnostic and intervention system they’ve built to strengthen access to the hearts, intuition, and relatedness.
Mentioned Restorative Practices of Wellbeing (Connection Phenomenology) (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Polyvagal Theory
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Gabriel Kram Websites: restorativepractices.com | hearthscience.io | aasm.io
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
In response to criticism or complaints, people frequently resort to becoming defensive as a coping strategy. It’s natural for people to defend themselves when they feel harmed or unfairly attacked. While defensiveness is designed to keep us out of danger, it is also one of the major relationship busters.
Women commonly complain about their partner's defensiveness and how they feel disconnected. On the other hand, men are perplexed. They have no idea what to do when their partner is upset. And when the nervous system detects a threat, the mind springs into action with a variety of escape strategies or ways to ease the discomfort of anxiety. The mind then intervenes with stories, projections, and defenses.
Couples will never truly connect if one partner is in an emotional space and the other responds with information to try to talk him or her out of being upset.
In this episode, GS Youngblood introduces embodiment. He differentiates it from the type of meditation that most people are familiar with—noticing your thoughts and then deciding to let them go. He describes how concentrating on specific bodily sensations can help to control the nervous system. He also stresses the significant impact that this kind of awareness can have on how you show up in your relationships.
GS coaches men in relationships on how to live, love, and lead from their masculine core. He is the author of the acclaimed books The Masculine in Relationship and The Art of Embodiment for Men, both of which are written to help men build more masculine capacity. His work in this domain of masculine leadership pulls in principles from a variety of fields: psychology, spirituality, martial arts, tango, meditation, and BDSM.
Although GS primarily coaches men in relationships, women would equally benefit from practicing being embodied, too.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:03 Embodiment vs. meditation: focusing on specific bodily sensations rather than your thoughts.
8:51 Benefits of embodiment in terms of intimate relationships: consciously choosing how one will respond or react.
21:15 How he helps people have more of this embodiment.
41:24 How is being physical different from being embodied?
45:42 Examples of how people can confront their tendencies to escape in this more embodied way.
53:10 Sexual leadership: how to bring some leadership to the bedroom so that your partner can, if she chooses, can surrender to your lead.
56:28 Discover more information about GS and his work, including his website, books, workshops, and social media handles.
Mentioned The Art of Embodiment for Men (Affiliate link to GS's course)
The Art of Embodiment for Men: Using the ANI Framework and Daily Practices to Tame Anxiety, Heal Trauma, and Conquer Your Nice Guy Tendencies (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Masculine in Relationship: A Blueprint for Inspiring the Trust, Lust, and Devotion of a Strong Woman (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 263: How to Develop Three Key Qualities of Your Positive Masculine Leadership — An Interview with GS Youngblood
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with GS Youngblood Websites: gsyoungblood.com
Facebook: facebook.com/gsyoungblood1/groups
Instagram: instagram.com/gsyoungbloodmir/?hl=en
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Have you ever been in a situation where you just can’t find the words to express how you are feeling, and then all of a sudden you come across a word that perfectly captures how you feel? Isn't it empowering to finally have a name for that feeling or experience so you can share it with others?
Language is an incredibly effective tool for communication and expression. It not only helps you understand who you are, but it also alters the way you see the world. There are simply not enough words to adequately describe the various kinds of emotions and relationships that people are capable of experiencing, which is why communities, such as the LGBTQ and polyamory, are developing new vocabulary.
In this episode, Dr. Georgi Gardiner discusses some new vocabulary words that she covers in her essay, We Forge the Conditions of Love, in an effort to raise awareness. In the aforementioned essay, the author discusses how people's conceptions of love impact their romantic relationships and offers suggestions for how to direct and mold them.
Dr. Georgi Gardiner is an Assistant Professor of Philosophy and a fellow of the American Council for Learned Societies (ACLS). She previously held the Andrew Fraser Junior Research Fellowship at St. John’s College, Oxford University. Georgi received her doctorate from Rutgers University and Undergraduate and Masters degrees from Edinburgh University. Her research interests include the philosophy of love, sexuality, and sex work. She also researches beliefs about trauma and rape.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:22 What is linguistic luck and how can it affect your romantic relationship?
8:17 Love has a very permissive flexibility of meaning.
13:27 An example of social forging: holiday romance or a summer fling.
18:51 How can trying on various interpretive frames of oneself be an empowering cognitive skill?
23:15 How to switch between being disempowered and being empowered.
27:12 What influences societal constructs, and how are communities broadening the vocabulary they use to describe their relationships?
30:42 What is limerence, and how might it influence how people perceive love and romantic relationships?
34:22 Are you really experiencing falling in love or is it just limerence?
44:21 How can people utilize this knowledge more in their daily lives?
47:42 Find out more about Dr. Georgi Gardiner and her work.
Mentioned We Forge the Conditions of Love (essay)
Living with Limerence (book)
ERP 286: How to Know if You Experience Limerence & What to Do About It – An Interview With Dr. L
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Georgi Gardiner Website: georgigardiner.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Marriage is one of the most significant decisions one has to make. It is designed to foster a partnership, a lifelong commitment, and a sense of shared success and happiness between two people. Nobody enters into a marriage expecting it to end in divorce, but as couples spend more time together and get to know one another better, conflicts may arise, responsibilities and priorities may change, and if couples can't work it out, it may result in divorce.
There are marriage and couple's therapists who can assist couples in working through conflicts, but if the relationship is beyond saving, you might want to speak with a divorce lawyer who can guide you through the legal process.
Have you heard of a divorce attorney that helps couples stay in their marriage? That sounds ironic.
While most divorce lawyers focus on getting the best settlement offer their clients can get, even if that means adding fuel to the fire, David Erdman approaches his cases differently.
David has been happily married for 38 years and has practiced divorce law for over 40 years. He is a graduate of Duke University and the Georgetown University Law Center. David is an advocate and ally for clients who are working to save their marriages with a focus on children. He is also a veteran of over 5,000 marriage-related legal consultations, which inspired him to write the book, The Ten Commandments of Marriage: Secrets of a Divorce Lawyer.
In this episode, David discusses his unique approach to handling divorce cases. We'll discover how he is shifting the emphasis from the impending separation to making your marriage the way you want it to be by asking the right questions. Furthermore, he outlines what is in his book while focusing on the most important rules and delivering some insightful advice.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
4:54 David's motivation for writing The Ten Commandments of Marriage: A compilation of what he discovered from more than 5000 other marriages over the course of 40 years.
13:28 Asking clients probing questions to help them prepare for negotiations.
19:12 What is unforgivable?
25:29 Thou shalt learn to resolve differences.
28:34 What happens in a relationship when there is equality.
35:35 Top reasons for divorce: the percentage of women who are more likely to initiate divorce.
38:36 How to make sex satisfying for both you and your partner.
42:49 Spouses’ superpowers that you should not neglect.
44:47 Thou shall NOT allow children to obstruct your marriage
49:04 Golden nuggets of advice
Mentioned The Ten Commandments of Marriage: Secrets of a Divorce Lawyer (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with David Erdman Website: tencommandmentsofmarriage.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Relationships are the best mirror for our deepest fears and emotions. Although you may have been able to suppress these feelings as an adult, getting into a committed relationship can bring them to the surface.
Can love transform our nervous system and mend these wounds? The short answer is yes.
In this episode, Jessica Baum discusses core wounds and the emotional charge associated with that narrative. She also discusses co-regulation and interdependency and how they can be used to better understand your own and your partner's behavior.
Jessica Baum, LMHC, is the founder of the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach, providing couples therapy, family counseling, and addiction therapy in South Florida for over 10 years. She has helped thousands of clients with her unique approach to healing, the Self-full® Method. Through her sister company, Be Self-full (beselffull.com), Jessica offers transformational courses and online coaching services that support individuals and couples to form healthy, long-term relationships.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:36 Breaking the anxious-avoidant dance in relationships: How Jessica's fascination with energy and system issues evolved.
8:01 Understanding Core Wounds: The underlying story and the energetic charge associated with it.
13:47 Understanding how your nervous system affects your relationships.
20:24 Patterns and themes: Distinguishing what is happening in the relationship from possible feelings you may have had before you met that partner.
24:50 How the nervous system responds to cues of stress and how co-regulation helps create a calm environment.
35:55 How to go from being anxious or avoidant to feeling secure.
48:12 Connect with Dr. Baum and learn more about her work.
Mentioned Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Jessica Baum Websites: beselffull.com/anxiouslyattached
Facebook: facebook.com/beselffull
Instagram: instagram.com/jessicabaumlmhc
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
You become what you consistently tell yourself, whether it is positive or negative, according to the adage "You are who you say you are." This tells us that the thoughts that you feed your mind matter because, unwittingly, they serve as the road map for both your interpersonal relationships and your individual self.
You can't really rewrite the past, but having the awareness of how it can impact your life, you give yourself the power to write a new story, a new beginning.
In this episode, Dr. Skerrett explains the concept of couples' resilience and the advantages it has for relationships and elaborates on how couples can develop and nurture their resilience.
Karen Skerrett, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and registered nurse with over 40 years of experience as a clinician, academic, and author who specializes in strength-based approaches to healing and change across the lifecycle. She is the author of Growing Married, co-author of Positive Couple Therapy, co-editor of Couple Resilience, and author of the memoir Tell Me Again How I Know You?
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:06 Karen’s transition from nursing to psychology: Targeting towards and focusing on couple's resilience.
11:14 What is couples’ resilience and what makes it a source of positive energy for couple life?
13:24 The importance of the stories we tell our narrative.
18:59 The distinction between a story and a "we-story".
25:31 The seven elements of we-ness.
34:50 Transforming individualistic cultures and behavior into an empowering story.
41:39 Karen's advice and resources to help people build a couple's resiliency.
Mentioned Growing Married: Creating Stories for a Lifetime of Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Couple Resilience: Emerging Perspectives (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Positive Couple Therapy: Using We-Stories to Enhance Resilience (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Strengths-based Resilience (SBR)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Karen Skerrett Websites: karenskerrettphd.com
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/karen-skerrett-7a185024
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
When your partner or someone else calls you out or you feel attacked, it's natural to go into defense mode. Humans are simply wired that way. Defensiveness, however, can hinder your ability to relate to others and damage your relationships.
Aperture awareness is an essential skill for open, honest, and healthy communication. While our brains are built to instantly read an aperture, not everyone is aware of this, so they fail to recognize the signs. The good news is that it's a skill that can be acquired.
In this episode, Dr. Kathryn Ford elaborates on aperture awareness and its significance in relationships. You'll learn how to read body language as a sign of awareness, as well as some highly structured exercises to help people slow down.
Kathryn Ford, M.D. is a relationship expert and creator of the couples therapy model, Aperture Awareness™ — the felt sensation of availability for connection. She's been practicing psychotherapy for over 20 years in private practice and through workshops at Stanford University. She received her M.D. from Brown University Medical School and did her psychiatry residency at The Stanford School of Medicine. In addition to her traditional training, both her yoga practice and her life-long meditation practice have informed her life and her work.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
8:02 What sparked Kathryn's interest in mindfulness and relationships?
15:42 Understanding aperture awareness and why it's often disregarded.
21:18 Body language as a sign of responsiveness and awareness.
30:27 Fostering trust by rewarding risk-taking.
32:49 Pumping the brakes and riding the waves.
41:52 How to sift through your partner's words for the kernel of truth.
54:50 The power of slowing down.
58:34 How to connect with Dr. Kathryn Ford.
Mentioned About Kathryn Ford M.D. (*Psychology Today)
Stanford Continuing Studies
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Dr. Kathryn Ford Website: kathrynfordmd.com
Facebook: facebook.com/KathrynFordMD
Instagram: instagram.com/KathrynFordMD
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kathryn-ford-m-d-1a675b2b
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Keeping your emotions at bay to maintain the harmony in your relationship may seem like a better option than engaging in a conversation that might result in an argument. On the other hand, suppressing your feelings can eventually do serious damage to your relationship.
When you spend a lot of time with someone, you may begin to believe that you know everything about them. Starting a conversation may feel terrifying because you anticipate your partner's response and how the conversation will go, but you may or may not be right.
In this episode, Susan Scott discusses the causes of relationship plateaus, common misconceptions about love, the effects of poor communication or lack thereof, and the characteristics of a fierce conversation. You'd be surprised at how refreshing that would be if you knew how to approach these conversations in a courageous, loving, and skillful way.
Susan Scott is a bestselling author and leadership development architect who has enabled top executives worldwide to engage in vibrant dialogue with one another, with their employees, and with their customers for two decades. In her latest book, “Fierce Love – Creating a Love that Lasts, One Conversation at a Time,” Susan Scott guides couples through eight must-have conversations to create a fierce love that stands the test of time and grows stronger over the years.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:19 Gradually and then suddenly: Understanding how lack of communication can ruin a
relationship.
16:53 Post-romance stage: Recognizing the causes of a relationship plateau.
23:07 What a fierce conversation looks like.
33:21 Susan's own description of what she considers to be a safe place for meaningful conversations.
40:00 Myths about love that can destroy you and your relationship.
Mentioned Fierce Love: Creating a Love that Lasts---One Conversation at a Time (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Susan Scott Website: susanscott.io | fierceinc.com/fierce-conversations
Facebook: facebook.com/SusanScottFierce | linkedin.com/company/fierce-inc-
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/susan-scott-1b63388 | linkedin.com/company/fierce-inc-
Twitter: twitter.com/fierce_inc
YouTube: youtube.com/user/fierceinc
Instagram: instagram.com/fierceconversations_
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
The majority of women due far more housework than men (in heterosexual relationships). According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, women spend 47 minutes more on housework on average than men each day. This translates to roughly 5 ½ more hours each week, which doesn’t include childcare, grocery shopping or errands (which women do more of as well). This gender gap has an effect on everyone.
In this episode, Dr. Kate Mangino discusses what she learned from interviewing 40 men in equal relationships to show how gender norms can restrict one or both partners in a relationship compared to what it looks like in equal relationships.
Kate Mangino, PhD is a gender expert who works with international organizations to promote positive social change. She has written and delivered curricula in over 20 countries about issues such as: gender equality, women’s empowerment, healthy masculinity, HIV prevention, and early and forced childhood marriage. She brings her lens of social change to her debut book, Equal Partners, which addresses gender roles in the American household.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:51 Promoting social change as an expert and a parent.
9:14 Taking the gender equality conversation into the community.
14:02: How gender norms create inequity and limit the potential of one or both partners.
23:29 An illustration of how partners' tasks are typically divided.
37:42 What exactly is the EP40, and what did Dr. Mangino learn from them?
Mentioned Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Entitled: How Male Privilege Hurts Women (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Connect with Dr. Kate Mangino Websites: katemangino.com
Twitter: twitter.com/manginokate
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:00 The increased domestic violence during the pandemic.
7:02 Dr. Kelley’s “aha!” moment that got her interested in helping people who have experienced trauma.
9:49 Why do people react differently to trauma?
14:38 Signs of a potentially abusive person.
28:50 Significant reasons why people are unable to confront or exit this situation.
38:52 Why highly sensitive people struggle more with decision making.
42:41 How to discern whether or not you should end the relationship and where someone in an abusive relationship can find support.
Mentioned What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Internal Family Systems Model (*Wikipedia)
Connect with Amelia Kelley Websites: ameliakelley.com — insighttimer.com/kelleycounseling
Facebook: facebook.com/DrAmeliaKelley/
Twitter: twitter.com/DrAmeliaKelley
Instagram: instagram.com/drameliakelley/
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
When ADHD has not been identified, a person with ADHD is often doing the best they can to function. However, they will likely struggle with aspects of executive functioning skills in life. Being in a relationship with someone with ADHD can pose extra challenges in working together as a team, especially when it comes to domestic responsibilities, tasks, and decision making.
In this episode, Dr. Ari Tuckman provides some insight into how ADHD manifests differently in adult men and women, particularly how it affects a couple's sex life. Additionally, he discusses approaches for resolving conflicts as well as tools and resources that both partners with ADHD and those without can utilize.
Ari Tuckman, PsyD, CST, is a psychologist, international speaker, and ADHD expert. He is the author of four books on ADHD, including his most recent book, ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship. He volunteers as the conference co-chair for CHADD, the national ADHD advocacy organization. He is in private practice in West Chester, PA.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
8:11 How Dr. Tuckman became passionate about helping adults with ADHD.
11:52 How each person's experience with ADHD differs.
14:17 ADHD in women vs. men.
18:12 How does ADHD manifest itself in romantic relationships?
22:41 How to make a relationship between people with ADHD work.
29:47 Dr. Tuckman's approach to assisting people with ADHD.
36:03 ADHD and sexual intimacy: effects, tips, and recommendations.
49:04 Tools and resources.
Mentioned ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD)
Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA)
ADHD Coaches Organization
Sex needs a new metaphor. Here's one … (*TED Talks)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Ari Tuckman Websites: adultadhdbook.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Although co-dependence is often referred to as being unhealthy, to some extent, it is beneficial in marriages. Deeper connections are made when partners lean on one another and give and receive as acts of generosity rather than as acts of service.
In this episode, John David and Ana Gabriel Mann discuss conflict resolution using their five secrets to success, which are condensed versions of their own experiences and expertise and are found in the book they co-authored.
John David Mann is the coauthor of over 30 books, including nine New York Times and national bestsellers. His writing has earned the 2017 Living Now Book Award’s “Evergreen Medal” for its “contribution to positive global change.”
Ana Gabriel Mann earned her Master’s degree in clinical psychology before going on to serve as an educator, therapist, and corporate trainer. She currently coaches Go-Giver Marriage clients and leads the Go-Giver Marriage Coaches Training Program.
John and Ana have been dreaming about writing “The Go-Giver Marriage” together for two decades.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
4:29 John and Ana’s love letter to the world.
5:49 What does it mean to be a part of the "us"?
12:59 A description of the book's two main parts.
29:07 Frequently asked questions that Ana poses to couples.
30:50 Replacing criticism with appreciation.
45:21 The distinction between allowing and controlling.
52:01 How the opposing negative patterns prevent you from growing personally.
55:53 Go-Giver’s couples-focused courses and programs.
Mentioned The Go-Giver Marriage: A Little Story About the Five Secrets to Lasting Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with John David & Ana Gabriel Mann Website: gogivermarriage.com
Facebook: facebook.com/johndavidmann | facebook.com/anagabrielmann
Twitter: twitter.com/JohnDavidMann | twitter.com/anagabrielMann
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/johndavidmann | linkedin.com/in/ana-gabriel-mann-a2aa6011 Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. No matter how great your relationship with your partner is, conflicts are inevitable, and that is not always a bad thing. Depending on how well you manage them, they can either weaken or strengthen your relationship.
Most people don’t even realize that they are responding to conflicts out of fear. When a problem arises, they automatically arm up to protect themselves, which leaves it unresolved and eventually breeds resentment.
In this episode, Tami Kiekhaefer discusses how fear manifests itself in conflict situations through physical cues and an illustration. Most importantly, she explains how you can apply this knowledge to resolve conflicts in a constructive manner.
Tamara Kiekhaefer, LCSW, has operated her psychotherapy practice since 2002. She provides individual, family, and couple therapy around anxiety, depression, domestic violence, trauma, relationships, and empowerment. Tami is a certified yoga instructor and weaves concepts of holistic therapy into her clinical work. Her first book provides hands-on tools required to work through the past, stabilize the present, and prepare for a loving relationship.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
4:56 How her divorce equipped Tami help other people even more.
9:40 How she confronted the criticism about her failed relationship while working as a couple’s therapist.
14:34 How fear manifest itself during conflict.
18:29 Physical signs of fear.
24:38 The roots of anxiety.
29:00 The Cone of Fear—a visual representation of the fear of rejection and fear of abandonment.
38:58 How to overcome the fear of rejection and abandonment.
42:33 An overview of her book, Preparing for the Jungle: Avoiding Snakes and Pitfalls on the Path to Healthy Love.
46:56 Learn more about the services she is offering.
Mentioned Preparing for the Jungle: Avoiding Snakes and Pitfalls on the Path to Healthy Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Cone of Fear
Prepare for the Jungle (online self-paced course)
Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication
Connect with Tami Kiekhaefer Websites: healthyhealing.net
Facebook: facebook.com/groups/womensempowermenttoolkit | facebook.com/tamikieklcsw
TikTok: tiktok.com/@tamikiek_lcsw
Twitter: twitter.com/tamikiek
Pinterest: pinterest.com/tamikiek/_created
Instagram: instagram.com/tamikieklcsw
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/tami-kiekhaefer-32298a8
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Culture, religious affiliations, and social norms influence views on gender equality and sexuality. In many cultures, sex and sexuality are often associated with shame. As a result, some people limit themselves by suppressing their sexual desires.
In this episode, Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus sheds some light on the stigma surrounding sex. We’ll dive into understanding how the shame culture negatively impacts mental health and relationships, with the goal of reducing shame and giving people voice and empowerment.
Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, international intimacy speaker, and relationship and communication coach, and the author of From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinventing Sex for Women. Dr. Jenn has presented two TEDx Talks, co-hosts the podcast Sex Talk with Clint & the Doc, and she has collaborated on projects with Planned Parenthood, the Global YPO Spouse/Partner Network, Erica Lust films, and Dr. Ruth’s Sex for Dummies book.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:50 How Dr. Jen became interested in sexuality and mindfulness.
7:49 Why is mindful intimacy so crucial?
20:43 Obstacles to profound intimacy and how mindfulness overcomes them.
47:48 A practical step you can take to begin engaging in mindful intimacy.
Mentioned From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinventing Sex for Women (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Sex Talk with Clint & the Doc Podcast
American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counsellors and Therapists (AASECT)
Sex, Consent, & Gender - A Personal Story about Consent Violation - Sex & the Price of Masculinity
Female sexual shame hurts us all | Jennifer Gunsaullus | TEDx Phoenixville
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus Website: drjennsden.com
Facebook: facebook.com/jennifer.gunsaullus
Twitter: twitter.com/drjennsden
YouTube: youtube.com/user/drjennsden
Instagram: instagram.com/drjennsden
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drjenn
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Marriage entails a commitment to support one another through both good and bad times. The traditional vow goes along the lines of, "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part," which means the couple stays together no matter what.
The truth is that most couples hope for a bright future and a long-lasting romantic relationship, but they don't expect or prepare to go through the worse and sickness parts. In reality, it’s not always convenient and easy. The hormones and attraction wear off, and other problems arise.
In this episode, Dr. George and Vanessa Naum sit down and talk about some significant topics that every couple should consider before getting married; how health issues can affect the relationship; and some doable steps couples can take to strengthen their relationship.
Best Friends Again is a physician marriage coaching company helping physicians and healthcare professionals reignite their marriage through a customized approach based on the unique needs of physician and healthcare professional families.
Dr. George and Vanessa Naum’s own battle-tested physician marriage, generational physician family heritage, and expertise from coaching hundreds of marriages off the ledge have paved the way for their revolutionary program: 90 Days to Clarity and Connection, a blueprint for guiding healers in healing their own relationships, saving their families, and enjoying their careers. They believe that you really can have it all.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:30 What Dr. George and Vanessa Naum learned from their own experiences and the inspiration behind their desire to help other couples.
12:37 Things that are significant but rarely discussed before getting married.
34:24 Compassionate intuition as an important ingredient in a healthy marriage.
38:33 How acceptance and suppression of emotions affect a relationship and how Dr. George and Vanessa help couples deal with it.
42:39 The 4 R’s of a committed relationship.
45:36 How health issues can affect relationships.
50:13 Programs and resources for cultivating healthy relationships.
Mentioned What's Forever For? A Physician's Guide to Everlasting Love and Success in Marriage (FREE chapter of Dr. Jeep’s book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Dr. George and Vanessa Naum Website: BestFriendsAgain.com
Facebook: facebook.com/askdrjeepandvanessa
Twitter: twitter.com/@askdrjeep
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drgeorgenaum
Instagram: instagram.com/bestfriendsagain
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Making the choice to leave an abusive relationship can be one of the most difficult things a person has to do. Without the right resources and support, it would be hard to move on even after you have cut your ties with your abuser.
Being in an abusive relationship causes you to constantly pay more attention to your surroundings than is necessary. So, in this episode, Dr. Amelia Kelley discusses some useful techniques for managing feelings of anxiety, depression, and hypervigilance, as well as how to retrain your body to feel secure in any situation.
Dr. Amelia Kelley is a trauma-informed therapist who has conducted research on the effects of exercise on ADHD symptoms as well as the effects of resiliency on PTSD. She is a trained hypnotherapist, art therapist, HSP Therapist, EMDR-informed therapist, and meditation and yoga teacher. She is a presenter and writer in the “science-help” field, focusing on relationships, highly sensitive people, trauma, motivation, healthy living, and adult ADHD. She is a guest podcast presenter focusing on women’s issues and coping with the trauma of unhealthy relationships, as well as a coach and trainer for SAS's Work/Life Program in Cary, NC, and a resident trainer for the NC Art Therapy Institute. Her practice is also currently part of the Traumatic Stress Research Consortium at the Kinsey Institute.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
7:18 How to rediscover yourself and rebuild your self-confidence after an abusive relationship.
20:32 Managing feelings of anxiety, stress, and hypervigilance.
40:43 Useful strategies for beginning self-healing.
43:04 A summary of her book, What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship and the narrative that inspired it.
Mentioned What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship (*Instagram)
High Heels and Heartache Podcast (*Apple podcast)
ERP 321: How to Tell the Difference Between an Abusive Relationship & a Toxic Dynamic — An Interview with Dr. Amelia Kelley
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Amelia Kelley Websites: ameliakelley.com — insighttimer.com/kelleycounseling
Facebook: facebook.com/DrAmeliaKelley/
Twitter: twitter.com/DrAmeliaKelley
Instagram: instagram.com/drameliakelley/
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
It is incredible and worth celebrating that this generation is actually the first in all of human history to make an attempt to establish equality in marriage. However, we simply lacked the skills necessary to successfully navigate the terrain of long-lasting intimacy, which led to fights over fairness. While the traditional marriage was wildly unfair, it is worth recognizing that couples were more in partnership, working toward a shared goal.
In this episode, Nate and Kaley Klemp share their insights on various marriage structures and introduce the 80/80 model, a brand-new marriage framework designed to support radical generosity in relationships.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
3:49 Nate and Kaley's conflict over fairness and the larger sociological point of our generation to establish equality in marriage.
6:22 Recognizing the value of the conventional marriage structure.
11:19 How your mindset and expectations greatly affect our decision-making or how we perceive the other.
14:00 The three components of mindset.
18:35 The 50/50 model and why it is unsustainable.
29:05 How the 80/80 model was developed and how it changed Nate and Kaley’s marriage.
37:51 Easing into radical generosity while minimizing discomfort.
Mentioned Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
The 80/80 Marriage: A New Model for a Happier, Stronger Marriage (*Amazon affiliate link) (book)
Free Epic Date Night Guide
80/80 Marriage self-guided retreats
80/80 Marriage Newsletter
Start Here: Master the Lifelong Habit of Wellbeing (*Amazon affiliate link) (book)
The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership (*Amazon affiliate link) (book)
The Drama-Free Office (*Amazon affiliate link) (book)
13 Guidelines for Effective Teams (*Amazon affiliate link) (book)
Connect with Kaley Klemp Websites: 8080marriage.com
Facebook: facebook.com/8080Marriage
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCpncjN_woj6Xrth0i-bGp7w
Instagram: instagram.com/8080marriage
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
A strong relationship requires human connection. Ironically, though, when you seek connection from a place of scarcity, the universe tends to take it away from you. Enrique Delgadillo asserts that the only way to get it is to first find the connection within yourself.
In this episode, Enrique discusses how our thoughts manifest in different areas of our lives. As the law of attraction suggests, where the focus goes, energy flows. We'll take a deep dive into 5D consciousness and discuss how you can change your mindset and apply it to strengthen your relationships.
Enrique is a world-leading specialist in transcendental psychology and is the founder and CEO of Vive Incredible, with a mission to awaken mankind’s ability to live in complete abundance and wealth, beginning from our inner world of thoughts.
With over 100 million views on YouTube and 4 million followers across his social platforms, he aims to elevate the consciousness and wealth of individuals by understanding their unique frequency value, or “Secret Sauce,” that helps them play a bigger game in life and feel more fulfilled as they continue to evolve.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:26 Enrique's incredibly difficult journey of self-evolution.
12:47 Recognizing 5D consciousness or energy and how to use it to determine what you truly need from a romantic partner or relationship.
16:12 Shifting ones perspective to 5D consciousness.
22:18 Differentiating the need that comes from lack versu preferring those things as experience.
31:21 Various approaches to reaching your higher self.
38:06 Cultivating connection from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset.
42:41 Understanding the three levels of connection.
47:51 Words of wisdom.
Mentioned Navegar En Tiempos de Tormentas (Spanish Edition) (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Connect with Enrique Delgadillo Website: go.enriquedelgadillo.com/home
Facebook: facebook.com/viveincreibleintl
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UC-hjRfCoajsJvMKeSGVtDwA
Instagram: instagram.com/kikedelgadillo/?hl=en
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
If you've been listening to the Empowered Relationship Podcast, you've probably heard Dr. Jessica Higgins talk about criticism and how it affects relationships. The goal here is to collaborate with your partner to co-create a fulfilling and passionate relationship. However, leading with criticism can make you or your partner feel defensive or attacked, diverting the entire communication to this criticism defensive loop.
In this episode, Dr. Higgins answers some listener and reader questions about criticism, along with some illustrations to help explain it further. As with many of these podcasts, these are not comprehensive responses, but they do provide some food for thought.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
Listeners’ questions: 8:44 “I'd be interested if you have any thoughts or perhaps a podcast around how we listen with or for criticism. I think we sometimes hear what we are feeling in ourselves. Just a thought.”
15:21 “I appreciate this content—it is helpful. However, I am confused about whether you should not help your partner become a better person. Please address this.”
25:28 “I am critical of a part of my girlfriend's body that cannot be changed and don’t want to end the relationship, but it causes me great anxiety. [I] don’t want to leave the relationship, but it is something that may never go away for me internally and it’s making me very unhappy. I really like her in so many other ways and [I] hate this. Do I stay or do I go?”
28:24 “Dr. Higgins. My wife is constantly criticizing me. She never has anything nice to say to me or any praise for anything I do to try and make her happy. Never says thank you or shows any sign of affection to me. It is to a point where I wish I could stop treating her with love and dish out the same stuff she gives me, but I just can’t be like that. I have tried to tell her I would like it ever so often if she could reciprocate the kindness and love I show her, but it is like she doesn’t care about my feelings. We are both in our sixties, and I just don’t think I have the energy to leave this marriage and find someone I can build a new, better relationship with. Plus, I really love her and leaving would be a hard blow to our family. How far do I go?”
35:05 “I have read a lot of articles over the years about this particular issue – criticism, as there is a lot of conflict over this issue in my marriage of 30 years. I feel that I have had to try to exist in a bit of a dysfunctional vacuum, where the fact that her father was an alcoholic, was not allowed to be discussed or acted upon in a way that was healthy for our own family which we were establishing together. If I raised the issue of her father’s behaviour (who is a very charming but also a very manipulative man), or how that might have affected the way she and I relate and communicate, my efforts were labelled as “critical”.
I tried over the years, many different approaches to these communications, but they generally ended in the same way, namely in an argument, resulting in her withdrawing herself from me, for a few days, then her cooling off and eventually her acknowledging the problem and apologising, but only so that the conflict could end. Unfortunately, this apology was forgotten a week later, and we often found ourselves in the same place a month or two later. I called it Groundhog Day, because of the familiar cycle.
My wife appeared to be prepared to do anything to avoid the accountability of acknowledging, communicating about and addressing the dysfunctional behaviour within her own family, and with it, avoiding accountability for her own denial of her own behaviour. This repetitive cycle eventually became a power struggle, in which her final weapon was to doubt our marriage, and my character, and whether she could remain in the marriage. It was an ultimatum that if I chose to raise these ‘uncomfortable” issues, I would have to face that I was not important enough to her, for her to authentically discuss or address these issues. Part of the behaviour I have consistently observed is her extreme avoidance of conflict (which was the same way her father avoided any scrutiny for his own behaviour).
My question is, when there is a problematic (dysfunctional) behaviour, that needs to be addressed between a couple, and despite every effort to raise the issue constructively, empathetically, gently, using I words etc etc the communication seems to deteriorate, because the real motivation is to avoid the issue altogether and hope it disappears into “fantasy land”. The excuse is that the avoidance is justified because the communication is critical in nature, and while I know that some people view all criticism as problematic, surely there is necessary constructive criticism that is not directed as a “character flaw” of another person?”
Mentioned Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication (free guide)
Shifting Criticism – Empowered Relationship (course)
How to Know If You Are Too Critical in Relationship & Why (article)
https://drjessicahiggins.com/criticism-reconnect/ (podcast, articles on the topic of criticism)
https://drjessicahiggins.com/erp-177-how-to-offer-comfort-to-your-significant-other/ (podcast)
https://drjessicahiggins.com/erp-178-how-to-offer-comfort-to-your-significant-other-part-two/ (podcast)
The Gottman Institute
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Before the age of two, children seek unconditional love, but not a lot of parents are able to provide it, resulting in unmet needs, fear of rejection, and fear of dying. These childhood experiences can now manifest as fears and sabotage your current relationships. That’s what Tracy Crossley realized after a series of dysfunctional relationships.
In this episode, Tracy talks about insecure attachment, how it can interfere with your relationships, and most importantly, how to break free from this vicious cycle and have a happy and empowered relationship.
Tracy Crossley is a Behavioral Relationship Expert, author, and podcast host who specializes in treating individuals with unhealthy life and relationship patterns. Tracy helps clients transform impostor syndrome, insecure attachment, and negative belief systems, breaking the cycle of narcissistic damage, destructive self-talk, and more.
With a background in psychology and an innate emotional intuition, which draws from her own personal experience, Tracy shows her clients how to permanently change the repetition of unhealthy, unhappy, and unfulfilled cycles, both personally and professionally.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:19 Tracy's lightbulb moment following a series of failed relationships.
11:13 Getting out of the insecure attachment loop.
17:42 How your emotional armor is limiting you.
21:01 What to do when you're in an uncomfortable or anxious situation.
30:48 Ways to overcome your fears.
46:53 Learn more about Tracy’s work and programs to help you overcome your fears.
Mentioned The Method
Mastery
Overcoming Insecure Attachment! 8 Proven Steps to Recognizing Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles and Building Healthier, Happier Relationships (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Connect with Tracy Crossley Websites: tracycrossley.com
Facebook: facebook.com/TransformativeCoach
YouTube: youtube.com/c/TracyCrossley/videos
Instagram: instagram.com/tracylcrossley/?hl=en
TikTok: tiktok.com/@tracylcrossley?lang=en
Podcast: Freedom from Attachment
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
We all know that disagreements are an inevitable part of every relationship, but would you agree that they are not personal? According to Drs. Michael and Barbara Grossman, conflicts between partners are not personal but rather part of a healthy development process.
In this episode, they share their own experiences, struggles, and attempts to figure out how to keep their relationship thriving as well as the skills they learned from different mentors that ultimately inspired them to support couples going through these transitions in their relationships.
For over twenty-five years, Drs. Michael and Barbara Grossman have taught thousands of couples practical skills to create a fulfilling romantic partnership. They have made TV appearances on CBS, NBC, Fox, and CW. They share powerful secrets to having a fulfilling long-term romantic partnership with a genuine love that lasts forever through all the phases of life.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
7:04 What Dr. Michael and Barbara learned in their 50 years of marriage.
11:32 Understanding why our developmental paths are not on the same timeline and how that relates to the power struggle stage.
23:59 The foundation of a healthy and long-lasting romantic relationship.
30:39 How marriage has evolved over the last 150 years, as well as some important relationship skills you can learn through ballroom dancing.
38:55 Final golden nuggets of advice.
Mentioned The Marriage Map: The Road to Transforming Your Marriage From Ordeal to Adventure (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Magic of Stem Cells: Activating Your Own Healing Power: How to Avoid Surgery and Rejuvenate Your Body (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
AGELESS LOVE: The Sexy Science of Falling in Love Forever - Prescriptions for Mind, Body and Spirit (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Dr. Michael and Dr. Barbara Grossman Website: fallinginloveforever.com
Facebook: facebook.com/themarriagemap
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCv5BQU8rcraNzjzsA4LxzKA
Affiliate Link: fallinginloveforever.idevaffiliate.com/signup.php
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Frequencies such as WiFi and radio are all around us. Although our brains are not equipped to see or hear these, we know that they exist. In the same way, frequency, also known as lifeforce energy, runs through our bodies at all times.
In this episode, Dr. Elsbeth Meuth and Freddy Zental Weaver discuss how to work consciously with the lifeforce of sexual energy as a transformational vehicle to make deeper and more meaningful connections not only in romantic relationships but also in other aspects of life.
Dr. Elsbeth Meuth and Freddy Zental Weaver have assisted thousands of couples and singles create lasting intimacy and fulfillment in their life and relationships. They are featured on Showtime’s documentary series Sexual Healing and the Emmy Award-winning NBC show Starting Over, best-selling authors of Sexual Enlightenment endorsed by world-renowned Spiritual Pioneer Dr. Michael Beckwith and the co-founders of TantraNova Institute in Chicago.
Elsbeth and Freddy Zental are beloveds, husband & wife as well as business partners residing in Chicago.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
7:18 How Elsbeth and Freddy came to share their intimacy and love message.
12:38 Elsbeth's quest for fulfillment led her to the Tantric intimacy journey.
20:39 How sexual enlightenment benefit individuals and couples, and how it manifests in various areas of one's life.
25:21 Understanding how energy flows in our bodies.
50:08 Workshops and products to assist individuals and couples on their journey.
51:31 Final words of wisdom.
Mentioned Sexual Enlightenment: How to Create Lasting Fulfillment in Life, Love, and Intimacy (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Sustaining Masculine Pleasure
Awaken to Your Feminine Essence
Secrets to Lasting Intimacy
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Dr. Elsbeth Meuth and Freddy Zental Weaver Websites: tantranova.com
Facebook: facebook.com/TantraNova
Twitter: twitter.com/TantraNova
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCKincrF-VHfsabcIvsbQEhQ
Instagram: instagram.com/tantranova_institute
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/elsbethmeuth
Pinterest: pinterest.com/elsbethfreddy/tantranova
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
People who care for loved ones suffering from addiction or mental health issues are frequently labeled and even pathologized as part of the problematic and addictive cycle. Dr. Robert Weiss would like to honor, validate, and acknowledge the love and effort of these people who choose to stick around and help their loved ones get better, whether or not they are doing it correctly, because the truth is that most of us are not trained to assist someone who is dealing with these issues.
In this episode, Dr. Weiss gives context for codependency and its significance around addiction, as well as the new concept of Prodependence, a less stigmatizing way of looking at and treating addicts' loved ones that is rapidly replacing this model.
Robert Weiss Ph.D., LCSW is Chief Clinical Officer of Seeking Integrity LLC, working with sex, porn, and substance/sex addicted men. He is the author of 10 books, including Prodependence, Sex Addiction 101, and Out of the Doghouse. His Psychology Today blog, Love and Sex in the Digital Age, has over 20 million readers to date, and his podcast, Sex, Love, & Addiction, has more than 600,000 downloads since its inception in 2019.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
12:17 Dr. Robert Weiss and his incredible passion for educating people.
14:13 Why Dr. Weiss disagrees with the codependency model.
23:15 Codependency versus Prodependency, particularly in intimate relationships.
29:37 Recognizing people's love and effort in caring for loved ones with addiction and mental health issues.
39:30 Understanding why some people become addicted to alcohol, drugs, or whatever substance they prefer.
46:48 Why is it vital to change one's perspective when working with loved ones?
53:45 How to connect with Dr. Weiss.
Mentioned Prodependence: Beyond the Myth of Codependency, Revised Edition (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Weiss Websites: seekingintegrity.com — sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Facebook: facebook.com/SexandHealing
Twitter: twitter.com/robweissmsw — twitter.com/SexandHealing
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/sexaddictionspecialist
Podcast: Sex, Love, and Addiction
Blog: Love and Sex in the Digital Age (*Psychology Today)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Different factors, such as social, political, and cultural, influence parenting styles. While one parent may be more concerned with their child's sense of agency, whereas the other might be more attentive to their child's sense of feeling supported. These differences can pose conflicts that not only confuse children about how to behave and what to expect in response but can also destroy a marriage and a family.
In this episode, Nellie Harden discusses these differences further, as well as how parents can align their parenting styles to strengthen not only their marriage but also to equip their children with the confidence, respect, and wisdom they need to go out into the world as their unique and amazing selves.
Nellie is a Family Life & Leadership Coach who focuses on helping parents eliminate power struggles with their daughters and help them grow into confident, wise, and respectful young women that are actually ready for the world!
She is a wife and mom to four daughters, an author, speaker, podcaster, a homeschooling parent, and an adventure chaser and believes in a life of intention and making dreams and goals realities. She knows that the best way to help the world is through one living room at a time!
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:20 Two significant events that awakened Nellie's sense of purpose.
13:37 The egocentric nature of children and how parents can help them have positive confidence and self-esteem.
20:23 Conflicts over parenting styles and decisions and how to deal with them.
31:47 Honoring and respecting both parents' core beliefs and getting the right balance.
38:13 How to identify and choose the right path towards growth.
42:04 Tips for strengthening family bonds.
Mentioned Ignite Her Joy Workshop: 5 Steps to Grow Your Daughter’s Self-Esteem During the Tween and Teen Years
Map to Maturity
Connect with Nellie Harden Websites: nellieharden.com
Facebook: facebook.com/groups/the6570project
Instagram: instagram.com/nellieharden
Podcast: The 6570 Family Project
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
It's amazing how couples can function as two distinct individuals in a relationship. Maintaining your own identity while encouraging your partner's interests and personal goals is gold. On the other hand, individual independence can be toxic too. It can make you feel like you're competing with your spouse, getting into a power struggle, and everything else that comes from these two individual perspectives.
In this episode, Terry Real encourages us to consider the consequences of approaching a relationship from a toxic individualism perspective and how critical it is to shift to a relational mindset as he shares some actionable steps from his new book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.
Terry Real is an internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, and author. He founded the Relational Life Institute, offering workshops for couples, individuals, and parents, along with a professional training program for clinicians to learn his Relational Life Therapy methodology. He is the bestselling author of I Don't Want to Talk About It, How Can I Get Through to You?, and The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
9:18 The inspiration behind the book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.
12:42 What is toxic individualism and how does it affect relationships?
20:14 How to make the transition from automatic response to conscious communication?
23:52 How to empower your relationship.
46:00 Key takeaways.
Mentioned Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
How Can I Get Through to You? Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Connect with Terry Real Websites: terryreal.com — relationallife.com
Facebook: facebook.com/TerryRealRLI
YouTube: youtube.com/user/TerryRealRLI/feed
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
There are a lot of moving parts in relationships, such as your background, having children, career, previous relationships, and so on. So, how can you cultivate a more secure and intimate relationship with your partner? Should you lower your standards and expectations in order to avoid disappointment? Linda Bloom strongly disagrees with this notion.
In this episode, Linda talks about how she and her husband took their relationship to the next level after a five-year irreconcilable difference gridlock and how they are now helping other couples cultivate an empowered relationship.
Linda Bloom, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist and marriage counselor who teaches relationship workshops. She is the co-author of four books including the best-selling 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married (over 100,000 copies sold). She is a regular teacher at Esalen Institute and Kripalu, with over 600 blogs on Psychology Today with over 10 million hits, and over 100 videos on her YouTube channel.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:45 Linda and her husband's journey to becoming an empowered couple that inspires other couples.
10:01 What true empowerment entails.
13:42 Limiting beliefs that keep people from gently and consistently co-creating a highly romantic relationship.
18:52 Lowering expectations versus encouraging one another to become their best selves.
22:37 Traits and characteristics of couples who have empowered relationships.
33:16 How to manage differences: the growth mindset.
40:45 Finding psychosocial support.
Mentioned Link to 3 free e-books: An End to Arguing, The Ten Biggest Things We've Learned Since We Got Married, and Your Guide to Great Sex.
101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Happily Ever After... and 39 Other Myths about Love: Breaking Through to the Relationship of Your Dreams (book)
ERP 013: Balancing Intimacy and Autonomy in Relationship
ERP 297: How to Enhance Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship in Your Relationship – An Interview with Amber Dalsin
ERP 300: How to Set Your Relationship Up for Success
ERP 100: Three Building Blocks For A Conscious Intimate Relationship
Shifting Criticism for Connected Communication
Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Linda Bloom Website: bloomwork.com
Facebook: facebook.com/lindaandcharliebloom
Twitter: twitter.com/bloomwork
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCV3lPZs0gRNYCTQ6vgz4Q6Q
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Conflicts are opportunities to learn more about your partner, and depending on how you handle them, they can either bring you closer together or lead to a toxic dynamic, or worse, an abusive relationship. If it's the latter, how do you determine whether to stay or leave the relationship?
While some people recognize that they should leave an unhealthy relationship early on, others choose to stay. Dr. Amelia Kelley shed some light on why these people aren't making the same decision. She also discusses warning signs of abuse or potential abuse, as well as how to empower someone in an abusive relationship to stop this dynamic, find support, and heal from trauma.
Dr. Amelia Kelley is a trauma-informed therapist who has conducted research on the effects of exercise on ADHD symptoms as well as the effects of resiliency on PTSD. She is a trained Hypnotherapist, Art therapist, HSP Therapist, EMDR-informed therapist, and meditation and yoga teacher. She is a presenter and writer in the “science-help” field focusing on relationships, Highly Sensitive Persons, trauma, motivation, healthy living, and adult ADHD. She is a guest podcast presenter focusing on women’s issues and coping with the trauma of unhealthy relationships, as well as a coach and trainer for SAS's Work/Life Program in Cary, NC, and a resident trainer for the NC Art Therapy Institute. Her practice is also currently part of the Traumatic Stress Research Consortium at the Kinsey Institute.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:00 The increased domestic violence during the pandemic.
7:02 Dr. Kelley’s “aha!” moment that got her interested in helping people who have experienced trauma.
9:49 Why do people react differently to trauma?
14:38 Signs of a potentially abusive person.
28:50 Significant reasons why people are unable to confront or exit this situation.
38:52 Why highly sensitive people struggle more with decision making.
42:41 How to discern whether or not you should end the relationship and where someone in an abusive relationship can find support.
Mentioned What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Internal Family Systems Model (*Wikipedia)
Connect with Amelia Kelley Websites: ameliakelley.com — insighttimer.com/kelleycounseling
Facebook: facebook.com/DrAmeliaKelley/
Twitter: twitter.com/DrAmeliaKelley
Instagram: instagram.com/drameliakelley/
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
One of the benefits of knowing your family history is that it can help develop a strong sense of who you are, but did you know that it can also reveal some dysfunctional patterns that may be affecting your relationships?
If you're having difficulties and/or feel stuck, ask yourself the following questions:
- What was the pattern?
- Who else in the family system was stuck?
- Am I borrowing that pattern from them?
- Is it costing me or serving me?
- What is my destiny with this pattern when I take it on?
It's worth noting that if you notice patterns that you tend to replicate over and over again, it's possible that your mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, or other family members did as well.
The good news is that revealing these patterns could help you stop these particular problematic patterns that have been repeated in the family for generations.
In this episode, Judy Wilkins-Smith discusses Family Constellation work, a therapeutic intervention used by therapists to gain insight into a client's family history, dynamics, and potentially dysfunctional patterns, as well as some resources to help you get started on your own journey.
Judy Wilkins-Smith is a highly regarded organizational, individual, and family patterns expert. A systemic executive coach, trainer, facilitator, thought partner, and motivational speaker, she has 18 years of expertise in assisting high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance. Passionate about visionary leadership and positive, accelerated, global change, Judy uses her ability to understand systems and patterns to create growth and success.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
10:23 Understanding what the Family Constellation is and how they affect you.
22:07 A real-life example of someone in a relationship who is repeating a similar pattern.
33:00 Discover the wow version of yourself in a practical and logical manner that you can apply and use on a daily basis.
43:48 Developing a purpose and staying on track.
Mentioned Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint: A Powerful Guide to Transformation Through Disentangling Multigenerational Patterns (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Capability & Resilience DNA (Upcoming Event)
Emotional DNA (Upcoming Event)
Connect with Judy Wilkins-Smith Websites: judywilkins-smith.com
Facebook: facebook.com/judywilkinssmith
Instagram: instagram.com/judywilkinssmith/
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/judywilkinssmith
Youtube:youtube.com/channel/UC2deofVCmw7Fxdq866SpJbQ
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Many professionals believe that fantasy is perfectly normal and harmless. They can be a reliable source of comfort, stimulation, escape, or relief. It can also be used to address long-standing relational needs and activate unconscious feelings of loss and emptiness. Unfortunately, people who utilize sexual fantasy as a primary coping mechanism may become disconnected from reality. Fantasies can be so addictive and compelling that they impair one's ability to be present in a relationship. And that's exactly what one of our listeners has been going through.
In this episode, we look at how fantasies can reveal unmet needs and how to break the cycle, increasing your chances of experiencing supportive connections that cultivate the experience of intimacy and togetherness.
Here’s listener B’s question:
“My partner and I have been in a relationship for 10+ years - he was severely depressed at the beginning of COVID lockdowns due to job loss and medical issues. Because of this, our already minor codependency habits became incredibly magnified. Taking care of him and trying to 'fix' him became my entire life, while that only resulted in him feeling more worthless. This lasted for 2 years.
During that time, I would often fantasize about another life, about being with someone else (unfortunately a friend of ours took that form in my thoughts), or just being single in general. It was an escape to feel somewhat good for a moment.
In the past few months, however, things have changed quite dramatically (new medications for us both, new job offers) and it's all for the better! He's made significant improvements mentally and in his commitment to our relationship as well.
...So why doesn't it feel better? I still have the fantasy thoughts even though I don't want to, and on off days when I feel anxious or depressed, I convince myself that I shouldn't keep trying and it would be kinder to him to end it (which I have tried to do twice now)
I do deal with some obsessive thinking and am medicated for ADHD - but how do I break this hurtful cycle? How do I get myself to realize we're in a good spot again, and that I don't need to rely on the coping mechanisms I developed when they weren't?”
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:18 When does a normal fantasy become unhealthy?
13:29 How fantasies can affect your relationship.
21:17 What do your fantasies reveal about you.
Mentioned Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship (book)
Healthy Lust vs. Unhealthy Lust
ERP 316: How to Recognize & Deal with Emotional Immaturity — An Interview with Dr. Eddie Capparucci
ERP 286: How to Know If You Experience Limerence & What to Do About It – An Interview with Dr. L
ERP 105: How to Deal With Limerence in Relationship
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Most of us hope to find that one true love that would stand the test of time but that is not the case for everyone. Some people jump from one relationship to the next without fully understanding why the previous ones failed in the first place.
If the majority of the people you've dated turned out to be cheaters or abusers, you may be wondering what is wrong with you? Most importantly, how do you break free from these negative relational patterns?
In this episode, we'll dive into understanding why you keep attracting the same type of people in your life and how you can use your past experiences as teachable moments in finding the love that you truly deserve.
Natasha is the Founder of Love CEO Institute, a personal development company for women. As a recovered love addict, Natasha has seen and experienced self-doubting, a negative mindset, and an imbalance in work and life that keeps women from reaching their greatest potential. Through the development of her one-woman show, “Evolution of a Love Addict,” several years of counseling, and serial entrepreneurship, Natasha turned her life around and elevated herself from love addict to Love CEO.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
7:10 How she became the person she wished she had 15 years ago.
14:55 A painful moment in her life that turned her into a love addict.
19:55 A new perspective on love and dating.
30:35 What exactly is love addiction, and how do you show yourself love?
36:09 What she discovered in her research that she is now applying to her new relationship.
45:42 Key pieces of advice for women who are going through the same difficulties.
Mentioned Evolution of a Love Addict: A Love Affair Between the Pages
Free 5-Day Self-Care Workshop
Evolution of a Love Addict
Connect with Natasha McCrea Websites: natashaMcCrea.com — loveceocommunity.mn.co
Facebook: facebook.com/TheRealNatashaMcCrea
Twitter: twitter.com/natashamccrea
Instagram: instagram.com/natashamccrea
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Every relationship goes through five developmental stages. The first stage is typically the romance stage, also known as the honeymoon stage. However, as you become more acquainted with your significant other, you will begin to notice some differences between you and your partner. Then, as either of you attempts to return to the early ideal phase or pushes forward into some imagined future that neither you nor your partner agreed to, a power struggle may occur.
In this episode, we'll look at each developmental stage, as well as some skills you can learn to cultivate a long-lasting relationship.
Dr. Chelsea Wakefield is a couples therapist and Associate Professor at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences where she is the Director of the Couples Center. She is a popular keynote speaker and workshop leader, trains practitioners worldwide, and offers online programs in her unique approach to relationship transformation. Dr. Wakefield is the author of three books, her recent release is entitled The Labyrinth of Love – the Path to a Soulful Relationship.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
4:53 What she learned from her parents' challenges, which resulted in their 30-year marriage ending in divorce.
8:53 Understanding the road map of intimate relationships, from enchantment to disenchantment.
14:20 Six crucial love capacities that partners must cultivate.
20:50 Recommendations for when you feel a surge of reactivity.
30:13 Communication techniques that can help people slow down.
42:35 Learn more about how Dr. Chelsea Wakefield can assist you.
Mentioned The Labyrinth Of Love: The Path to a Soulful Relationship (Amazon affiliate link*) (book)
Negotiating the Inner Peace Treaty: Becoming the Person You Were Born to Be (Amazon affiliate link*) (book)
Ineffective Behaviors Partners Use To Cope Ellyn Bader (pdf file)
Negotiating the Inner Peace Treaty: Becoming the Person You Were Born to Be
The Roadmap of Intimate Relationships
Challenging Choice Points for Using the Initiator-Inquirer Process
What is Imago Relationship Therapy?
The Dialogue Therapy
Connect with Dr. Chelsea Wakefield Websites: chelseawakefield.com
Facebook: facebook.com/ChelseaWakefieldPhD
Podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/love-in-the-time-of-covid/id1507998764
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Growing up, men are taught, either directly or indirectly, that showing emotion is a sign of weakness, and that if they do, they will be mocked. Vulnerable is almost a derogatory term for men. As a result, the vast majority of men have low emotional IQ, which correlates with low relational IQ because we need that emotional component to make the relationship more vibrant and exciting.
In this episode, Dr. Eddie Capparucci will elaborate the root cause of the problem behind the behaviour and how he exclusively assists men in identifying and addressing these issues.
Dr. Eddie Capparucci is a licensed counselor and coach, certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors, and is the creator of the Inner Child Model for the treatment of sex/porn addiction. Eddie has worked with professional athletes and television personalities. He is the author of several books including Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction and Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
7:24 Dr. Eddie Capparucci’s inspiration in helping men with problematic sexual behaviors.
11:24 The correlation between low emotional IQ and low relational IQ.
12:52 The root of all addiction.
15:55 Encouraging men to identify and express their emotions.
17:49 What causes character defects and how to deal with them.
28:41 The blind spots that prevent men from bonding emotionally.
33:51 How he is helping men explore their unresolved childhood pain points.
41:50 Hide and Lie.
44:56 Resources and tools to help men.
Mentioned Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction: The Road to Recovery Goes Through Your Childhood Paperback (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots *Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Connect with Dr. Eddie Capparucci Websites: innerchild-sexaddiction.com, strugglingmen.org
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/capparucci Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Sexual infidelity is one of the biggest issues in long-term relationships and failing to address it will only make the problem worse.
Most people find sexual communication difficult. It's easy to believe that we can’t do it because we just don’t have the necessary resources to do so. We understand the importance of communication, but how do we become more comfortable with it?
In this episode, Dr. Tara teaches us how to boost sexual communication comfort as she shares her personal journey from several monogamous relationships and unfulfilling sex to being a sexually powerful woman.
Dr. Tara is a tenured professor of relational and sexual communication at California State University Fullerton, an award-winning researcher, a relationship coach at luvbites.co, and a podcast host at Luvbites by Dr. Tara. She recently gave a TEDx Talk titled Become Sexually Powerful that highlights her 5,000-participant study examining factors that predict sexual satisfaction, and her journey from a sexually anxious girl from Thailand to a sexually confident woman.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:02 Her transition from being a sexually anxious girl into a sexually powerful woman.
13:16 The two sides of sexual communication.
18:08 Why do people engage in affairs rather than fix their sexual undesirable issues and how important is sexual communication.
24:28 Dr. Tara’s top five favorite sexual communication practices.
35:09 Our need for affectionate touch explained.
Mentioned Become Sexually Powerful
ERP 314: How To Work Through The Complexities Of Sexual Desire In Relationship — An Interview Martha Kauppi
Luvbites by Dr. Tara (*podcast)
The Outlander Series
Connect with Dr. Tara Websites: luvbites.co
TikTok: tiktok.com/@luvbites.co
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/tarasuwin
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UCrbW6PCKjgcxkq3dTvjjeyQ
Instagram: instagram.com/luvbites.co
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Most of us know something about reproductive health yet almost nobody knows anything about pleasure. Pleasure is frequently associated with sex and like sex, it's an uncomfortable subject to discuss for a lot of people. But it is so much more than that.
In this episode, we cover some of the reasons why we don't experience pleasure in our lives and how to work through these complexities of sexual desire in your relationships as Martha Kauppi creates a safe learning environment for this delicate subject.
Martha Kauppi is a marriage and family therapist, educator, author, speaker, and AASECT-certified sex therapist and supervisor. She has a lifelong career in health and sexuality and is a senior trainer of the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. Martha trains therapists all over the world to work more effectively with relational intimacy challenges and sex issues. She is the author of the groundbreaking new book Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients). (Self-help manual for Strong emotional intimacy.)
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:04 Martha’s desire to educate therapists about sex issues.
14:13 How to enter a space where desire could flourish without feeling stuck in it.
17:17 How multiple systems work together and align in order for desire to happen and thrive.
23:01 Creating a safe haven for creative curiosity, flexibility, and connection.
35:35 Scheduled sex versus goal-oriented sex.
37:49 Some helpful resources to learn more about sexual desires.
Mentioned Handling Sexual Challenges Like A Rockstar
Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients) (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 287: How To Engage in the Art of Giving and Receiving: Using the Wheel of Consent — An Interview with Dr. Betty Martin
Connect with Martha Kauppi Websites: instituteforrelationalintimacy.com
Facebook: facebook.com/martha.kauppi
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/company/institute-for-relational-intimacy
YouTube: youtube.com/c/MarthaKauppiLMFTIRI
Instagram: instagram.com/martha_kauppi
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Are you one of the three Americans who have a step relationship today? Demographers expect that one out of every two Americans will be in a step relationship at some point in their lives.
It's not easy being a part of a blended family. There are way too many factors to take into account. In fact, external step-family-related variables generate a high divorce rate in the US.
It might be a lengthy and difficult process, but it is not impossible to succeed with the right mindset, guidance, and resources. And that's exactly what Ron Deal discusses in this episode. We'll go over what to expect, what activities you can do, resources, and advice for raising a healthy blended family.
Ron L. Deal is one of the most widely read and viewed experts on blended families in the country. He is Director of FamilyLife Blended® for FamilyLife®, founder of Smart Stepfamilies™, and the author and Consulting Editor of the Smart Stepfamily Series of books including the bestselling Building Love Together in Blended Families: The 5 Love Languages® and Becoming Stepfamily Smart (with Dr. Gary Chapman), The Smart Stepfamily: 7 Steps to a Healthy Family, and Preparing to Blend.
Ron is a licensed marriage and family therapist, popular conference speaker, and host of the FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
7:38 Ron's motivation for a career in marriage and family therapy.
13:00 What you need to know about blended families.
19:55 A visual map to help you navigate the blended family territory.
36:06 Some growth activities that you can try.
45:04 How to get smart and guide your family forward in the right direction.
Mentioned Preparing to Blend: The Couple's Guide to Becoming a Smart Stepfamily (*Amazon affiliate link) (book)
Building Love Together in Blended Families: The 5 Love Languages and Becoming Stepfamily Smart (*Amazon affiliate link) (book)
FamilyLife Blended® Podcast Connect with Ron Deal Website: familylife.com/familylifeblended/blended-families
Facebook: facebook.com/familylifeministry
Twitter: twitter.com/familylifetoday
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UC7WmdqnETL3gCmWruBF0tpQ
Instagram: instagram.com/familylifeinsta
Pinterest: pinterest.com/familylifeministry
Website: smartstepfamilies.com
Facebook: facebook.com/SmartStepfamilies
Twitter: twitter.com/RonLDeal
YouTube: youtube.com/user/FamilyLifeBlended
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Sex is an expression of our love and passion with our significant other but over time our desire for it tends to fade away. According to Esther Perel, what makes sex really hot is the mystery. However, when we enter long-term partnerships, we lose that mystery.
We understand the importance of maintaining sex in a long-term relationship, yet it's frequently a taboo subject to discuss. So, in this episode, Emily Pereira will share her story, knowledge, and effective practices that foster openness and transformation that can lead to a more intimate relationship.
Emily Pereira is an International retreat leader, yoga teacher, and women’s coach —coined by her clients as the “Relationship Whisperer”. After 13 years of intensive and extensive spiritual training and exploration, she has amassed a treasure trove of astonishing wisdom + powerful practices. She’s used these to heal her own love story and transform her life. Over the years, she’s had the honor of helping hundreds of women ignite their intimate, heart-thumping, passionate, I got-your-back-no-matter-what love, and build the family and lifestyle of their dreams.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
4:48 The inspiration behind Emily’s desire for helping couples rekindle their intimate relationships.
9:47 The importance of creating a new version of yourself that you can bring back to the relationship.
17:21 How to overcome the fear of trying something new.
19:50 Advice for people who don't even know what they want sexually.
38:20 About the programs that Emily offers to help couples ignite their intimate relationships with their partners.
Mentioned The Quest (*Amazon affiliate link) (book)
Legendary Lovership
The Quest for Love Academy
7 Day Goddess Cleanse
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel (*Amazon affiliate link) (book)
Connect with Emily Pereira Websites: emilypereira.com/about
Facebook: facebook.com/bethebeginner
Instagram: instagram.com/emily_begins
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Many people have this fairy tale view of love in which there is always passion, a lot of sex and everything feels wonderful. It may appear that way at the start of the relationship but once the infatuation stage wears off, the reality sets in. You'll then realize your partner isn't as perfect as you thought. So, what comes next?
In this episode, Kimberly Holmes gives an in-depth explanation of the three components of love and the four stages of the love path, as well as some actionable steps you can take to keep the fire burning in your relationship.
Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master’s degree in psychology for over 10 years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Host of her own podcast, It Starts with Attraction, being a wife and mother herself, and researching the ways that attraction affects people personally and the relationships that they hold dear.
She is currently working on her Ph.D. in psychology. Kimberly lives in Franklin, Tennessee with her husband, Rob, and two beautiful children from India.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
4:13 Kimberly defines love and talks about a framework to falling in love.
6:04 The three components of love.
10:00 What happens when infatuation or limerence wears off?
17:47 How to overcome the power struggle stage.
25:27 How do you build commitment in a relationship.
30:05 What you should intentionally focus on as a couple when life tries to pull you apart.
34:00 How to cultivate strong attachment?
44:14 How they’re helping couples save their struggling relationships at Marriage Helper.
Mentioned Triangular theory of love by Robert Sternberg (*Wikipedia)
It Starts With Attraction (*Apple Podcast)
Couples Turnaround Workshop mini-course
Connect with Kimberly Holmes Websites: marriagehelper.com/kimberly-holmes
Twitter: twitter.com/marriagehelper (7.4k followers)
YouTube: youtube.com/c/MarriageHelper/videos (170k subscribers)
Instagram: instagram.com/marriagehelper (11.4k followers)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Falling in love is human nature. The moment you are born and see your mother, you form a bond, and that is love. But if falling in love is that easy, why are there so many failed relationships?
In this episode, we’ll look into unhealthy relationship experiences, things that we have learned in the past that we tend to repeat in our relationships over and over again. Although these are part of who we are, the good news is that there is something we can do about it. Dr. Thomas Jordan discusses how we can unlearn these unhealthy habits and stop these vicious cycles.
Dr. Thomas Jordan has helped thousands of individuals and couples enjoy more fulfilling relationships and experience more satisfying, longer-lasting love lives as a psychotherapist for the past 33 years. He is the author of a breakthrough book Learn To Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life. Dr. Jordan specializes in the treatment of chronic love life problems and founded the educational resource Love Life Learning Center in 2012. In 2017 he launched the Healthy Love Life Seminar, leading love life educational seminars with his wife, a psychotherapist, Victoria Jordan, LCSW. He resides and practices in the Upper West Side of New York City.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
3:49 Three reasons that got Dr. Jordan interested in helping couples and individuals in their love lives.
17:27 Unhealthy relationship experiences that people tend to replicate in their relationships.
22:41 How our experiences and the after-effects influence our love life.
25:51 An overview of the 3-step unlearning method.
40:13 Dr. Jordan defines what a psychological love life is.
Mentioned Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 238: How to Find Your Emotional Balance in Relationship
Take Him To Court For Child Support?
How To Live Without Love In Your Life?
Connect with Dr. Thomas Jordan Websites: lovelifelearningcenter.com
Facebook: facebook.com/Dr.ThomasJordan/?ref=tn_tnmn
Twitter: twitter.com/LLLearningCtr
Instagram: instagram.com/lovelifelearningcenter
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drthomasjordan
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
We are all shaped and informed by our childhood experiences, and these experiences undoubtedly influence how we show up in our relationships. And, while our childhood is a part of who we are, it does not bind us to these limiting beliefs and relational models.
In this episode, we discuss how we can manage our thoughts and change the stories that we tell ourselves. We'll look at Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) and how it can help you communicate more effectively and ultimately help us create newfound habits.
Passionate about empowering others to succeed, as a Breakthrough Impostor Syndrome Coach, Linda Bonnar works with high-performing executives to ignite their self-confidence, maximize their potential and be the leaders they were born to be. Combining her fourteen years of experience in education with her wealth of professional coach accreditations, Linda provides business executives and organizations with an outstanding personalized coaching service that educates, empowers, and encourages powerful, successful change through action.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:14 How childhood and growing up experiences impact your communication style.
14:54 What helped Linda change her narrative about her husband and previous beliefs.
24:33 The huge difference between being assertive and being aggressive.
27:19 How Linda is helping people with her coaching.
34:36 Things to be aware of and skills you need to learn.
Mentioned Just Three Things: Bite-size ways to transform your life (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
ERP 248: How to Negotiate Skillfully to Reach a Win-Win in Relationship – An Interview with Juliet Grayson
ERP 238: How to Find Your Emotional Balance in Relationship
ERP 036: How to Offer the Gift of Listening
Shift Criticism Into Connected Communication Course by Dr. Jessica Higgins
Connect with Linda Bonnar Website: lindabonnar.com
Facebook: facebook.com/groups/1395615284019836
Instagram: instagram.com/lindabonnar_lifecoaching
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/linda-bonnar-pcc-coach-87374689 Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Do you have to keep reminding your partner to take out the trash or put away the laundry? Well, you are not alone and it can be frustrating when you expect them to do something but they don’t. As a result, you'd react negatively, and they'd respond negatively, resulting in a downward spiral that leads to a power struggle.
In this episode, Christal Allen brings to light how decoding expectations can empower you in creating ease and fulfillment in your relationship by changing how you show up in the relationship rather than waiting for the other person to change.
Christal Allen is an accomplished businesswoman, certified coach, and has a relatable down-to-earth vibe that makes you feel safe and cared for. Christal believes that women can change their relationships, household, and environments by how they carry themselves, believe in themselves and care for themselves mentally.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
4:32 An overview of Christal’s work.
7:20 The human tendency to focus on what is negatively affecting and how this manifests itself in a relationship.
15:58 The downward spiral that leads to power struggles.
29:01 How Christal is helping couples shift their paradigm.
42:09 A few examples of how this process helped couples in their relationships.
Mentioned Free 2-minute Quiz to find out “What Kind of Wife or Girlfriend You Are”
Shift Criticism Into Connected Communication Course by Dr. Jessica Higgins
Connect with Christal Allen Website: christalallen.com/
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/christal-allen-harrahill-0982b296/?trk=pulse-article_main-author-card
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lifecoachchristal/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/LifeCoachChristal
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/christalallen Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Everyone learns about money differently and these differences shape our perspective on it. And because it’s closely linked to our safety and security, it makes it difficult to discuss. However, despite how awkward it may feel, financial conversations are extremely important in relationships.
In this episode, we'll talk about starting a safe conversation with our partner about our finances and how it affects our relationships. We'll delve into understanding the deeper psychological processes to minimize arguments over money and level up the love in your relationship.
Ed Coambs, MBA, CFP, CFT, is an internationally recognized thought leader in financial therapy, who has been cited by the Wall Street Journal, the Associated Press, and Time. He leads couples from financial despair and frustration into financial intimacy and connection using the latest in love and brain science. He earned master's degrees in business, counseling, and financial planning. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified financial planner, and certified financial therapist.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
7:03 How the guys from his workplace and his relationship with his wife inspired Ed to explore financial intimacy.
13:31 How to prepare for a safe conversation about money with your partner.
21:10 Understanding attachment styles and multi-generation attachment and developing a new internal representation of safety and security.
Mentioned The Healthy Love & Money Way: How the Four Attachment Styles Impact Your Financial Well-Being (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Couples Guide To Financial Intimacy
Connect with Ed Coambs Websites: healthyloveandmoney.com/home
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/company/healthyloveandmoney
Facebook: facebook.com/healthyloveandmoney
Instagram: instagram.com/healthyloveandmoney
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@healthyloveandmoney Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Fewer and fewer people are opting to get married as time passes by. Is marriage outdated? According to Marcia Naomi Berger, absolutely not. However, marriage has changed.
In this episode, we’ll talk about how marriage has changed over the years and why so many marriages fail. We’ll discuss some myths and expectations around finding the right partner and we’ll delve deeper into understanding the benefits of being marriage-minded and some tips in creating this wonderful connection with you and your partner and so much more.
Marcia Naomi Berger, MSW, LCSW, leads dynamic marriage and communication workshops, is a popular speaker at conferences, a clinical social worker with a private psychotherapy practice, and has taught continuing education classes for therapists at the University of California Berkeley Extension, Alliant International University, and various professional associations. She's the author of Marriage Minded: An A to Z Dating Guide for Lasting Love and Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You've Always Wanted.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
7:08 The crying need for people to learn how to have good relationships skills and create good marriages.
8:05 How has marriage changed over the years.
11:02 What makes a good marriage?
13:55 Myths and expectations that get in the way of a good marriage
16:48 What men think about marriage and what keeps some women from finding the right person to marry.
18:52 The benefits of being marriage-minded.
20:50 Marcia's advice to those who have lost their passion in marriage.
26:11 Tips for keeping the fun alive when there are so many demands.
29:29 How can people recognize and overcome what’s getting in the way of a good marriage.
36:13 The Marriage Meeting framework.
Mentioned Marriage Minded: An A to Z Dating Guide for Lasting Love (book) (*Amazon affiliate link)
The Marriage Meeting Program: A Strengths-Based Approach for Successful Relationships
Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You've Always Wanted (book) (*Amazon affiliate link)
Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (book) (*Amazon affiliate link)
ERP 252: How to Deal with Sexual Performance Anxieties - An Interview with Dr. Ian Kerner
Connect with Marcia Naomi Berger Website marcianaomiberger.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
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If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Our brains are hardwired to seek pleasure and avoid pain and that’s what’s been keeping us alive. However, that's a problem in this day and age where we have an overabundance of highly potent and reinforcing drugs at the tip of a finger. As a result, there’s been a significant increase in the percentage of anxiety, depression, and other psychiatric problems as we are constantly seeking pleasure.
In this episode, we’ll learn what’s happening in our neurobiology as we seek comfort in a dopamine-rewarding behavior as well as what happens when we learn to tolerate some discomfort. Understanding how our brains work will be extremely beneficial as we consider our personal development and relationships.
Anna Lembke, MD, is a professor of psychiatry at Stanford University School of Medicine and chief of the Stanford Addiction Medicine Dual Diagnosis Clinic. A clinician scholar, she has published more than a hundred peer-reviewed papers and she sits on the board of several state and national addiction-focused organizations. Her new book, Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence explores how to moderate compulsive overconsumption in a dopamine overloaded world.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:04 Understanding how we develop tendencies for seeking pleasure and overconsumption.
16:06 How social media, other technology, and even food contribute to these tendencies.
18:48 Our propensity to notice the behavior.
24:34 How to start a healthy balance between pain and pleasure.
30:15 Some real-life examples of tolerating the discomfort and its benefits.
Mentioned Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence (book) (*Amazon affiliate link)
Stanford marshmallow experiment
Connect with Dr. Anna Lembke Website annalembke.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
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Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
When we talk about mothers, qualities like nurturing, caring, and compassion always come to mind. Mothers are also known for putting everybody else’s needs first and theirs last. And for many years, there’s been a notion that mothering is a woman’s natural role but as it turns out, we all mother regardless of gender and whether or not we have kids.
In this episode, we discuss mothering with emphasis on the concept of self-mothering and how this can support us internally, which can essentially result in having better relationships with our partners.
Dr. Gertrude Lyons is a professional life coach who is focused on exploring, demystifying, and democratizing the maternal power that lies within all women. She believes that motherhood is a transformational journey that all women can take with or without children and together, we can start a new conversation around modern motherhood.
Dr. Lyons is the Lead Faculty member, Senior Life Coach and Director of Family Programs for The Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential.
Through her work, she inspires people to take control of their own personal transformations. She has made it her mission to challenge traditional notions of mothering by facilitating raw, open conversations around mothering, womanhood, and parenthood that no one else is having. She has spent the last 19 years empowering individuals, couples, parents, and families to bring out their best selves through helping them realize meaningful, successful lives, with the aim of bringing new perspectives on personal transformation to as many people as possible.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
6:25 What is self-mothering?
11:31 How she rediscovered herself which ultimately got her interested in diving deeper into self-mothering.
16:27 The purpose of self-mothering.
23:59 How self-mothering looks like in men.
33:19 The deeper inner work: self-validated intimacy.
41:51 Some ways to start self-mothering.
Mentioned Society of Femininity in Action
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (book)
Still Face Experiment: Dr. Edward Tronick (YouTube video)
Dr. Jessica Higgins, Psychologist, Relationship & Transformational Coach (Google Review)
Connect with Dr. Gertrude Lyons Website drgertrudelyons.com
Facebook facebook.com/gertrude.lyons.3
Instagram instagram.com/drgertrudelyon
LinkedIn linkedin.com/in/gertrudelyons/
Podcast mot(HER) with Dr. Gertrude Lyons Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
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If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
In this episode, we'll discuss an often overlooked skill that is so simple yet has a significant impact on how we negotiate relationships. We’ll also talk about some tools and practices that can help us turn our disagreements into meaningful connections with our partners.
Dr. Harville Hendricks and Dr. Helen Hunt are co-creators of Imago Relationship Therapy, and a social movement called Safe Conversations. Internationally respected as couple’s therapist, educators, speakers, activist, and New York Times bestselling authors. Their 10 books, including the timeless classic Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, have sold more than 4 million copies. Harville appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show 17 times! Helen has been installed in the Women's Hall of Fame and the Smithsonian Institute. The list goes on and on.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
3:56 What safe conversation is and why it’s important in building a healthy relationship.
12:58 How these safe conversations in the Imago Dialogue process help the relational culture.
28:19 Simple practices to remind us to value our partners, that they matter, and that we adore them.
39:13 The structure of the Imago Dialogue process: mirroring, validating, and empathizing.
42:54 What the on-duty, off-duty days are and how Helen and Harville use this method to make sure that they are connected when they go to bed.
Mentioned Imago Relationship Therapy
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
Helen LaKelly Hunt - National Women's Hall of Fame
Meet a Philanthropist - A Conversation With Helen LaKelly Hunt | National Museum of American History
The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology)
Still Face Experiment: Dr. Edward Tronick
Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space-Between: A Clinician's Guide
Connect with Harville and Helen Websites: Harville and Helen and Safe Conversations
Facebook: facebook.com/harvilleandhelen
Twitter: twitter.com/HarvilleHelen
YouTube: Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt
Instagram: instagram.com/harvilleandhelen/
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
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Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Just like Roy, some people jump from one relationship to another because they believe that the right person is going to fix their relationship challenges. What they don’t realize is that they are just avoiding the pain. Eventually, they get hurt all over again and look for another relationship to fill the void.
In this episode, Roy talks about self-sabotage in relationships, how that happens, and some tips to overcome them.
Roy Biancalana is a certified relationship coach and a nationally recognized expert in the field of attraction and conscious relationships and is the host of the Attracting Lasting Love Podcast. Along with being a frequent TV analyst, Roy is the author of three number one best-selling books, the latest of which is Relationship Bootcamp: Hard-Core Training for Life, Love & the Pursuit of Intimacy.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
3:46 Roy's takeaways from failed relationships and limiting beliefs about love.
24:04 An illustration of self-sabotage and how a coach can help you become more self-aware.
27:42 Roy's seven relationship muscles for a healthy and sustainable connection.
34:12 A few pointers on how to change your mindset and overcome self-sabotage.
43:21 A relationship fitness test to evaluate yourself and how Roy can further assist you to get in great relationship shape.
Mentioned The Attracting Lasting Love Podcast
RELATIONSHIP BOOTCAMP: Hard-Core Training for Life, Love & the Pursuit of Intimacy book
The Relationship Fitness Test
Connect with Roy Biancalana Website: coachingwithroy.com
Twitter: https://twitter.com/coachingwithroy
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/coachingwithroy/
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
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Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
How do couples draw the line between business and romantic relationships?
Managing a business is a powerful force that can take over the family in so many ways and have a significant impact on the marriage. It's a lot to take in and simply unavoidable.
Unlike couples who are not negotiating business, it is critical to provide additional support to couples who are doing business and building a relationship under the same roof.
In this episode, we'll talk about entrepreneur couples and what they're up against. Dr. Ellyn Bader shares some real-life examples as well as some tools to help navigate these challenges.
Dr. Ellyn Bader is a psychotherapist and one of the early founders of couples therapy, as well as a recognized thought leader and trailblazer in relationship therapy worldwide.
Through her informal research and thousands of sessions, Ellyn co-created the Developmental Model, a revolutionary approach to couples therapy that is highly adaptable to the complex needs of two people growing, changing, and staying connected in a relationship.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
5:37 Ellyn talks about the first-hand experiences that inspired her to help couples negotiate business and couplehood.
8:09 How to manage couple-time that is off-limits for business talk.
13:14 Six skills for living, loving, and working together:
14:46 Commitment.
19:38 Appreciation.
25:17 Negotiation.
32:34 Decision Making.
44:06 Where to find more information on Ownership and Roles with authority.
Mentioned Peter Pearson, Ph.D., Emeritus
The Daily Double 30-Day Challenge
The CANDOR Solution: The Entrepreneur’s Marriage Blueprint
Couples as a Team
The Developmental Model
Entrepreneurs Marriage Intensive
Connect with Dr. Ellyn Bader The Couples Institute website
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
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Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
To commemorate the 300th episode of the Empowered Relationship Podcast here's a special episode for you all!
Since the premiere episode in 2015, our goal has been to help people feel more prepared and, as a result, set their relationships up for success by encouraging them to invest in the strength of their connection rather than second-guessing their partner choice.
Learn how couples can shift into safer, more positive, and more connected patterns of relating as she discusses key findings out of a landmark relationship science study that was published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, which was first-authored by Samantha Joel.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
08:08 What constitutes a successful relationship, and why do some relationships thrive more than others?
16:06 Top relationship characteristics that most accurately predict a person's happiness.
30:00 Five personal attributes that can help predict a person's happiness.
Mentioned A landmark study shows what makes a successful relationship
Machine learning uncovers the most robust self-report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies
Dr. Susan Johnson's website
Gottman Institute
Julie Gottman's wikipedia page
Samantha Joel's citations on Google Scholar
Podcast Rocket's website
ERP 297: How to Enhance Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship – An Interview with Amber Dalsin
ERP 274: How Increasing Relationship Love & Health Can Impact Borderline Personality Disorder – An Interview with Gabrielle Usatynski
ERP 169: What to Do When Depression Takes Hold in Your Relationship, with Dr. Susan Heitler
ERP 166: How Perfectionism And Depression Affect You And Your Relationship – with Dr. Margaret Rutherford
ERP 015: Do You Have a “Unity” or “Journey” Mindset In Relationship?
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
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Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
When confronted with situations that make us feel distressed, it's so easy to project those feelings onto others, and sometimes we don't even realize why we are feeling that way.
This can be caused by deeply ingrained childhood beliefs that we might not be aware of. If left unaddressed, these can interfere with our ability to show our authentic selves to our partners.
In this episode, Beth Miller shares how she overcame extreme anxiety and depression and how that transformed her personal and marital life. She explains how understanding your inner child leads to a deeper understanding of your relationship conflicts and so much more.
Beth Miller is the founder of Soulify Wellness, a marriage coach, a teacher of psychology, and consulting hypnotist. She has coached many women who are on the verge of divorce and helped them transform their marriages into relationships filled with mutual love, connection, and support.
One of her secret weapons is Hypno-journeying, a deep meditation that's rooted in psychology, and neuroscience. It helps women release beliefs that are keeping them stuck in relationship struggles. And while Beth focuses a lot of her work on supporting women, I do believe these principles are very applicable to however you identify in your gender.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode
3:35 How Beth's brain bleed affected her marriage and what she did to save it that ultimately led to her journey of helping other wives with their relationships, too.
10:11 Using hypnosis to recognize triggers and how accessing your subconscious helps you heal from deep-rooted issues inside you.
17:16 How understanding your inner child can help solidify your marriage.
21:38 The beautiful transformation that can happen once you start addressing the root causes of your problems.
Mentioned 3 Ways to Save Your Marriage
True You
Connect with Beth Miller Website Soulify Wellness
Facebook facebook.com/soulifywellness
Instagram instagram.com/soulifywellness
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
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Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Most of us are familiar with non-verbal communication being upwards of 80% of all communication and part of that is facial expressions.
In this episode, Dan Hill talks about his journey and 20 years of experience in facial decoding. Learn about the seven core emotions and how facial decoding can be a useful tool in navigating intimate relationships.
Dan Hill is an internationally recognized expert on the role of emotions and business, politics, sports, popular culture, and one's personal relationships. Among his 9 books, is Famous Faces Decoded: A Guidebook for Reading Others, which uses celebrities' examples to promote emotional literacy and the 23 facial expressions that reveal seven core emotions. Dan's TV appearances have included ABC's "Good Morning, America," NBC's "The Today Show," CNN, Fox, MSNBC, and front-page coverage and the New York Times.
Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode 4:18 How Dan Hill’s fascination with brain science led him to pioneering facial decoding in market research 20 years ago.
14:54 The 7 core emotions.
19:25 How facial decoding helps navigate intimate relationships.
30:11 Identifying contempt through facial expressions.
32:27 The upside and downside of anger.
39:25 About surprise and how this can be helpful in a relationship?
43:07 How fear or sadness can be fatal when it comes to communication.
46:38 What to do if you feel threatened.
Mentioned Famous Faces Decoded: A Guidebook for Reading Others (*Amazon Link)
Dan Hill's EQ Spotlight
Gottman Love Lab
Charles Darwin's Theory of Evolution
Plutchik's Color Wheel of Emotions
Tell all the truth but tell it to slant by Emily Dickinson
ERP 261: How to Strengthen Your Relationship from a Polyvagal Perspective, an Interview with Stephen Porges
Connect with Dan Hill Website Sensory Logic
Facebook facebook.com/Emotionswizard/
Instagram instagram.com/emotionswizard/
LinkedIn linkedin.com/in/dan-hill-emotionswizard/
Twitter twitter.com/EmotionsWizard
Youtube channel Sensory Logic Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
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Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
According to research, women are the primary initiators of divorce, with emotional intimacy being the most significant factor.
In the early stages of a relationship, you may feel that intense sense of connection even without emotional intimacy because of the dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and pheromones making everything seem to be in perfect harmony. However, as time passes by, these neurotransmitters diminish.
In this episode, we'll dive into understanding what emotional intimacy is as Amber Dalsin talks about her personal journey — from someone who craves connection into a love that she never thought was possible. Learn about the 7 key components of emotional intimacy and the different ways of cultivating this beautiful connection that can stand the test of time.
Amber Dalsin is a licensed psychologist and couples therapist. She has delivered over 10,000 hours of One-on-One therapy services and has given professional talks to over 28,000 participants. Her mission is to help couples create intimate, loving, peaceful, and long-lasting relationships.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode 7:43 What sparked Amber's interest in helping individuals with Couplehood.
11:33 The 7 pillars of emotional intimacy.
21:33 What stands in the way of helping people create emotional intimacy.
31:04 How to identify emotional intimacy problems and assess whether or not they are fixable.
34:25 Simple things you could do to spice up your relationship.
42:31 Gender stereotypes and how these might relate to emotional intimacy.
Mentioned The Gottman Institute
5 Love Languages
The 6-second kiss & the 20-second hug
Mini-Course: Emotional Intimacy Blueprint
Connect with Amber DalsinWebsite Ember Relationship Psychology Facebook Ember Relationship Psychology
Instagram Ember Relationship Psychology
Pinterest Ember Relationship Psychology | Couples Therapy
Podcast Relationship Psych | Love | Marriage | Conflict | Psychology
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
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Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
In the spur of the moment, a simple argument can go out of hand if we focus on proving that we are right rather than seeking to understand our partner's emotional needs. We basically just listen so we can rebut. Whilst it does seem to be clever, it is not the same as understanding.
So, what can we do to change that? Shari Foos dives into what Relational Mindfulness is and how we can apply it to create meaningful connections in both romantic and non-romantic relationships.
Shari Foos is a licensed marriage and family therapist and creator of The Narrative Method. She holds an MA in clinical psychology from Antioch University, Los Angeles, and a Master's in Science in Narrative Medicine from Columbia University.
A sought-after expert on the subject of relationship and meaningful connection, Foos’ writing and commentary have appeared in a range of online and print publications including Real Simple, Huffington Post, Women’s Health, KBLA, Fatherly, LA Weekly, and Bustle.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode 04:53 Shari explains what Relational Mindfulness means.
09:06 Steps that you can do to regulate your nervous system enough to suspend and to engage in this practice.
26:17 Shari elaborates on The Narrative Method.
41:16 How to connect with Shari.
Mentioned 10 Tactics for Finding Happiness During Times of Isolation and Loneliness
On Becoming and Being a Mother by Shari Foos
Connect with Shari Foos Website: The Narrative Method Facebook: facebook.com/thenarrativemethod
Instagram: instagram.com/thenarrativemethod
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/company/thenarrativemethod
Twitter: twitter.com/NarrativeMethod
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
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LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Research shows that practicing mindfulness helps reduce stress, anxiety, lowers blood pressure and improves sleep. If we make it a habit, aside from our mental and physical health, it can also improve every aspect of our lives.
Can mindfulness improve our relationships, too? The answer is yes and in this episode, Caroline Welch talks about its benefits, some tips in incorporating it into our daily lives and so much more.
Caroline Welch is the CEO and co-founder, with Dr. Dan Siegel, of the Mindsight Institute in Santa Monica, California. She began her mindfulness practice forty years ago while working in Japan as an English teacher. Welch’s book “The Gift of Presence: A Mindfulness Guide for Women” has been widely acclaimed. Caroline offers lectures and workshops on the power of mindfulness to enhance well-being in our personal and professional lives including its role in supporting racial and gender equity.
Stay tuned and learn how mindfulness can play a big role in bringing you and your partner closer!
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
5:14 Caroline’s definition of mindfulness and how it started for her.
7:19 Some real-life examples of mindfulness.
12:54 Why is mindfulness important.
16:24 Features of mindfulness.
26:52 Understanding the 3 Ps: Purpose, Pivoting, Pacing.
Mentioned
- Mindsight Institute website
- The Gift of Presence: A Mindfulness Guide for Women book (*Amazon Link)
- Guided Mindfulness Meditation Practices with Jon Kabat Zinn website
- The Telomere Effect: A Revolutionary Approach to Living Younger, Healthier, Longer book (*Amazon Link)
- What Kind of Woman: Poems by Kate Baer book (*Amazon Link)
- John O’Donohue's website
- Life on Purpose by Victor J. Strecher: How Living for What Matters Most Changes Everything book (*Amazon Link)
- Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr. Kristin Neff book (*Amazon Link)
- The Guest House poem by Jalaluddin Rumi
Connect with Caroline Welch Website: carolinewelch.com
Facebook: facebook.com/carolinewelchauthor
Instagram: instagram.com/carolinewelchauthor
Twitter: twitter.com/CarolineWauthor
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Friction and differences are breeding grounds for real conflicts, especially for couples. Because of one's environment, upbringing, situation, and other factors, we develop different personalities which can all contribute to our reactive patterns and biases.
Personality is such a complex psychological concept but what if we can bring understanding to what’s going on? See where these perspectives are coming from? That would be a real game-changer!
Beatrice Chestnut, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist coach and business consultant based in San Francisco, and Uranio Paes, MBA is a world-renowned Enneagram teacher and business consultant. They are the founders of Chestnut Paes Enneagram Academy and the hosts of the Enneagram 2.0 Podcast.
They are also the authors of the forthcoming book, The Enneagram Guide to Waking Up: Find Your Path, Face Your Shadow, Discover Your True Self.
In their work around the world, Beatrice and Urano focus on using the Enneagram as a tool for personal and professional transformation.
In this episode, they briefly talk about the nine personality types in the Enneagram, the habitual patterns around these types, and essentially how this can be a powerful tool in improving relationships.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
5:59 What’s the Enneagram and what makes it so powerful
9:28 How the Enneagram can help with our relationships and how we interact with other personality types
10:37 Why it’s recommended to get explicit and talk about it in couplehood
14:19 An overview of the nine types
33:35 Finding your type
42:25 About Enneagram Academy and other professional workshops they offer
Mentioned
- The Enneagram Guide to Waking Up: Find Your Path, Face Your Shadow, Discover Your True Self (*Amazon Link)
- Enneagram 2.0 with Beatrice Chestnut and Uranio Paes
- The Enneagram Academy
Connect with Beatrice Chestnut Website: beatricechestnut.com
Facebook: facebook.com/beatricechestnutphd
Instagram: instagram.com/beatrice.chestnut
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/beatrice-chestnut-0493602/
Connect with Uranio Paes Facebook: facebook.com/uranio.paes
Instagram: instagram.com/uraniopaes/
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/ur%C3%A2nio-paes-624129
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
The overarching reason couples seek help in relationships is to rejuvenate their connection and learn the skills to ensure the spark doesn't go out in the long term.
Alicia and Erwan join me today to share their road map to creating and sustaining a thriving relationship life. They share the three key relationship stages and dive into why couples in long-term relationships should understand the benefits of maintaining early-stage skills, such as flirting, in the later stages of a committed relationship so it can thrive.
Erwan and Alicia Davon have 25+ years of experience teaching singles and couples how to have exceptional romantic relationships while growing personally and spiritually. Their unique approach to relationship coaching combines their educational backgrounds in psychology with aspects of Zen Buddhism, providing a holistic method, improving connections with the self and others. They help singles have passionate and successful intimate relationships and guide couples to take their relationships to new heights of passion and intimacy.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
09:21 Alicia and Erwan discuss how they developed their relationship stages and how they identified and grew through them in their relationship
14:30 How to get back the juicy passionate chemistry of earlier relationship stages and why micro gestures are gold
16:06 What a relationship blueprint is, why it is carried throughout life, and how you can discover what your blueprint is
20:43 Relationships don’t happen to us, rather they happen through us — why being intentional about how we design our relationship allows us to show up and be committed to our relationship
21:35 Alicia and Erwan’s names for the stages in a long term relationship and how to make progress through those natural stages mindful
30:20 The skills that we need to acquire before moving to the next relationship stage, and Erwan’s tips for managing the challenges of each stage
36:00 Four practices that Alicia and Erwan recommend people do every day, including spiritual and sensual practice
Mentioned
- Schedule your free love life consultation with Alicia here
- The Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love
Connect with Alicia & Erwan Davon
Website: erwandavon.com
Facebook: facebook.com/erwandavonteachings
Instagram: instagram.com/erwandavonteachings/
Youtube: youtube.com/user/ErwanDavonTeachings
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Cultural patriarchy and heteronormativity often negatively impact sexual and relational development — but they can be difficult to recognize and challenge.
On this episode of the Empowered Relationship podcast, we're talking about gender and its construction as we examine our society’s cultural backdrop of hetero-normativity. Joe Winn joins me today to explore the principles to consider as we question ideas, notions, and messages that we receive around gender.
Joe Winn is a licensed clinical social worker, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and supervisor of Sex Therapy whose practice is outside of the Boston and Cambridge area. Joe has also lectured nationally and internationally on consensual non-monogamy, BDSM & kink, gender, and relationships. Joe is also a faculty member of The South Shore Sexual Health Center, an AASECT-approved training program for clinicians working towards certification in sex therapy.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
05:01 Why gender is such a problematic construct in our culture
07:45 Gender as viewed from a heteronormative perspective, and why people often perceive an LGBTQ+ alternative as an attack on their beliefs.
11:43 Joe’s thoughts on whether patriarchy is at the foundation of the gender construct and the ways the discomfort and fear feed into homophobia
19:55 Why we need to allow ourselves to step into the transformative process of understanding our needs to better develop authentic relationships
23:50 How to start engaging with people interested in alternative concepts of sex and gender and seek out meaningful dialogue.
31:05 The importance of self-care, tuning into ourselves and putting ourselves at the center of our experience so that we can also support our partner
35:26 How to recognize moments of discomfort around gender and why we should turn towards them
40:00 Strategies we can use to learn and reset if we have been indoctrinated by society with rigid beliefs
Mentioned
- South Shore Sexual Health Center website
Connect with Dr. Joseph Winn
Website: josephwinnlicsw.net
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/joewinnlicsw
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Understanding why love is not enough in an empowered relationship can be a challenge. So in this episode, Dr. Stan Tatkin helps us recognize some of the most common biological and human factors that take us off track when creating intentionality in a relationship. Having a scientific framework that allows us to understand why we need more than love helps us create a shared vision for our relationships.
By unpacking common causes of relationship challenges, we can learn how to commit fully to a loving partnership and ensure it remains a beautiful and fulfilling experience.
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author of We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship RX, Wired for Dating, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
09:35 Why the basic human being is not built for long term relationships
12:25 Going passively into a relationship assuming that love is the key to success is not the best approach to take
14:05 The inner development that we have to commit to can sometimes be challenging
19:03 Stan shares his practical tips on how to create a shared purpose and vision as a couple
33:29 The importance of being cognizant of that we continue to evolve as individuals while developing our purpose, vision, governance, and ethics as a couple
33:48 Why we should intentionally create form-fitting principles to ground our relationship
40:32 How PACT can help couples improve their relationships
Mentioned
- We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link)
- Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link)
- Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link)
- Relationship Rx, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link)
- Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link)
- Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link)
- Relationship Road Map
Connect with Dr. Stan Tatkin
Website: thepactinstitute.com
Facebook: facebook.com/drstantatkin
Instagram: instagram.com/drstantatkin/
Twitter: @DrStanTatkin
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Leveraging higher-level communication skills rooted in emotional intelligence helps drive connection, growth, and performance in professional and personal relationships alike.
In this episode, leadership language expert Krister Ungerbock describes his TalkSHIFT™ System and explores how it elevates communication, morale, performance, and growth. Krister shares how you can hone your emotional intelligence to boost personal relationships and business growth.
Learning how to communicate more effectively allows us to become better family members, spouses, and friends. When you pay closer attention to your words as well as your actions, you can avoid a communication crisis that could damage your relationships with others.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
5:24 We recognize how many of the principles of leadership communication also apply to partnerships and romantic relationships
14:40 How Krister found transformation personally and professionally and how his experience helps others in their relationships
20:08 A deeper understanding of the whole person increases the level of communication and gives insight into discovering where we are in our lives and what matters to us
25:28 Krister’s most effective tools for improving communication in our relationships
31:56 The importance of asking direct questions about what someone needs from you at that moment and how that can help shift perspective in a conversation
38:28 The difference between being seen and unseen, and the challenge of seeing someone for who they are rather than who they were
Mentioned
- TalkSHIFT Website
Connect with Krister Ungerbock
Website: krister.com
Facebook: facebook.com/meetkrister
Instagram: instagram.com/iamkrister/
Youtube: youtube.com/c/kristeru
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kristeru/
Twitter: @meetkrister
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
On today's episode of The Empowered Relationship Podcast, we are going through a laser coaching session. I speak to Vanessa and support her to refocus regarding her connection with her partner. One of the things that she is challenged with is getting stuck in the logical, analytical space where she weighs the pros and the cons in examining her relationship. Although this can be helpful occasionally, it can also get us in a holding pattern, where we go back and forth and don't get clear on the right path to take. In this laser coaching session with Vanessa, I help her access her emotions and recognize the parts of her relationship where she feels discontent and pain.
When we have a void in our lives it can lead to a holding pattern in a relationship, but equally when we overanalyze our feeling it often keeps us from really being vulnerable and accessing the emotional deeper longing and discontent. One of the aspects that I'm intentionally trying to focus on in my coaching capacity is to help people access parts in themselves that they often don't slow down enough to connect with. We want to find the space to access the parts of ourselves that we might deny, repress or ignore so that we can explore them.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
04:50 How we can work together with our partner to resolve the differences in the relationship
07:07 Vanessa describes why she feels she and her boyfriend are in a holding pattern
08:53 We discuss Vanessa's internal list of pros and cons of her relationship and she shares the big-ticket items that she has discontent around
12:25 Lack of a depth of connection where Vanessa and her partner feel together, and why she feels like she can’t currently lean on him
16:03 Why keeping busy masks issues and can prevent us from discussing significant issues in our relationships
18:44 The problem of feeling lonely in your relationship and Vanessa’s reflections on how to resolve the issue
22:43 We discuss why planning for the future is a problem in Vanessa’s relationship and why she is stuck in the analytic phase
26:05 I connect with the pain that Vanessa is feeling that is prompting her to question her relationship
27:00 Why it can be so hard to get clear when we're trying to figure our relationship out from an intellectual place
29:53 We don't get enough support or emphasis around how much this means to us on a nervous system level on a human survival level, to feel that responsiveness from our partner, to feel that engagement, to feel their availability
32:56 Finding someone who aligns with the things that are important to her is what Vanessa values in a relationship
42:58 Why I would strongly encourage working with the principles around Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) when you are feeling at a standstill in a relationship
50:39 The importance of getting outside our heads when evaluating our relationships
Mentioned
- ERP 273: How To Handle The Concern Of Vulnerability Not Working In Relationship
- ERP 262: How Do I Know When My Relationship Has Reached An End
- ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard?
- ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability
- ERP 115: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability – Part Two
- ICEEFT Find A Therapist
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
On today's episode of The Empowered Relationship Podcast, Dr. Ian Kerner and I discuss what a ‘sex script’ is and why it can help couples achieve intimacy by rewriting our sex script. He shares his insights into why these sex scripts are not only based on physical behaviors and describes how he helps couples understand that psychological arousal begins with our minds.
We dive into the details of why Dr. Kerner has been a longtime advocate for a new paradigm of sexual pleasure for heterosexual couples, focused around clitoral stimulation rather than the previous procreative model of sex. Dr. Kerner explores why the core of the orgasm gap between men and women is down to the differences in how men and women experience the plateau phase in the process of sexual response. We also discuss how getting into a state of ‘neutral entrainment,’ when you’re relaxed and in the moment and feeling the erotic heat being generated, helps foster a sensual connection.
Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT, is the co-leader of the sex therapy program at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy and contributes regularly on the topic of sex for CNN. He is the New York Times best-selling author of She Comes First (Harper Collins), which has been translated into more than a dozen languages, and he maintains a private practice in NYC dedicated to honoring the centrality of sexuality in his patients’ lives.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
07:32 How psychological arousal relates to sexual intimacy
08:28 Why couples in long term relationships often develop a ‘sex script’ over time
12:51 Recognition that psychological arousal is a key component of sexual satisfaction
14:06 Why anticipation is an integral part of psychological excitement and how tapping into our erotic imaginations and fantasies helps get us going
18:42 Reciprocity is elemental for our sense of bonding, particularly when we're talking about intimacy and the vulnerability around reaching that authentic sexual place
26:06 The element of play and being able to express sexual fantasy in recreating your sexual script
32:37 How to move from the shallow end in these conversations about sexual fantasy and drift further in so that we don’t get fearful and anxious about the process of connecting sexually
35:57 Dr. Kerner’s tips to help someone safely explore to open up more capacity and let go of their sexual rigidity
37:44 Introducing the idea of sexual exploration without pressure
41:50 Shifting from intercourse to outercourse and creating a sex script that adds and rearranges the right elements for us as a couple
43:15 How to find out more about Dr. Ian Kerner and get ahold of his latest book So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives
Mentioned
- So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives (*Amazon Link)
- She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (*Amazon Link)
Connect with Dr. Ian Kerner
Website: iankerner.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
On today's episode of The Empowered Relationship Podcast, you'll hear Dr. Betty Martin really inviting the practice of slowing down and exploring not only our partner’s needs, but equally as importantly, our own needs. We discuss how her work as a sex educator and her exploration of somatic-based therapy inspired her to create her Wheel of Consent framework, which illustrates that when we're sexual, we move between four different zones.
Dr. Betty will step us through the four zones of the wheel and gives examples to illustrate the practice of taking turns giving and receiving pleasure. She shares her insights into negotiating boundaries and sets the stage for having a productive conversation about your needs with your partner. Dr. Betty also explores why we start your experience outside the bedroom fully clothed rather than with genital touch and describes where to find additional resources that will help us open the gateway to emotional and spiritual fluency.
Dr. Betty Martin has been working with people professionally for over 40 years. She was a Chiropractor for 30 years and upon retiring from that practice, became a certified Surrogate Partner, Sacred Intimate, and Somatic Sex Educator. Her explorations in somatic-based therapy and practices informed her creation of the framework, The Wheel of Consent®.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
08:16 The framework of the Wheel of Consent and what got Dr. Betty interested in creating it
13:45 The practice of taking turns and respecting boundaries and how that helps you understand your own physical needs
16:22 Why it’s so uncommon for couples to be connected into different roles and often forget to be explicit about wanting to make love
18:00 Tips on using the Wheel of Consent and laying the groundwork for giving your partner the gift of touch with a full heart
20:58 Unlike your regular sexual play, you should take time to negotiate what you need and incorporate pauses to ensure everyone is comfortable
22:16 This is a practice that you keep coming back to it over and over, but you start on the couch and don't include genital touch until you played it 20 or 30 times, or you’ll get right back into the same habits that produced the same results before
24:06 Why saying no allows you to say yes
33:41 Dr. Betty explains things that see people typically work through that gives them some insight into current challenges
37:25 The model allows people to come in contact with their guilt and fear of rejection — Dr. Betty describes what she recommends for people as they confront their somatic pain
39:29 What you expect as an outcome of fully engaging with the Wheel of Consent process
Mentioned
- Dr. Betty Martin Website
- Dr. Betty Martin Instagram
- The Wheel of Consent Instagram
- Body Electric School
- The 3-Minute Game by Harry Faddis
- The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent by Dr. Betty Martin, with Robyn Dalzen * Amazon Link
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
On today's episode of The Empowered Relationship Podcast, my guest, a neuroscientist known only as Dr. L, joins the show to support us in understanding limerence, what it is and how to negotiate the experience. He describes how his motivation for starting his blog and online community was rooted in his own unexpected experience of limerence after a long period of contented life as a husband. Dr. L shares his fascination with the underlying neuroscience behind limerence and his hopes that he can support other people to make sense of their experience of limerence from that perspective.
Dr. L gives us his one-sentence working definition of what exactly limerence is and how it differs from a crush. Limerence is linked with big swings in mood, where an individual moves rapidly between a sense of euphoria and deep lows, depending on how they currently perceive their relationship with the other person. We also dive into what type of person may be more prone to unrequited love and the three elements that have to be present to go from being attracted to another person to being limerent for them.
This week’s guest expert, Dr. L, blogs on his site Living with Limerence under a pseudonym so he can be fearlessly frank. In his everyday life, Dr. L is a neuroscientist passionate about helping people understand what’s going on in their traitor brains and reprogram themselves into leading more purposeful lives. He wants to explain what limerence is, how it affects us psychologically and emotionally, and how to devise practical ways to master it and integrate it into life in a healthier way.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
05:16 Dr. L’s personal experience of limerance and why he was inspired to start his blog
08:04 A working definition of limerance
14:40 The difference between a crush or the beginning of a romantic relationship and limerence
17:44 Why a distinguishing factor of limerance is the ability to function, socialize, or really engage in all the activities of a thriving life
19:29 The three elements that must be present to go from being attracted to another person to being limerent for them
23:31 The glimmer and hope, and then the uncertainty — and why that intermittent reinforcement makes you feel as if you’re addicted to someone
28:32 The characteristics of people who are a little bit more susceptible to limerance and the extra insight provided by the Myers Briggs type indicator
35:17 Why the relationship between limerence and attachment is so complex
42:53 The benign neglect that often happens in a marriage and why limerence can be the result of an unconscious feeling that something is missing in your marriage or partnership
45:58 Dr. L’s recommendations for people in limerence and how you can give yourself the empowerment of converting your rich inner world to something healthy and beneficial
Mentioned
- Love and Limerence: The Experience Of Being In Love book by Dorothy Tennov *Amazon Link
- Living with Limerence: A Guide for the Smitten book by Dr L *Amazon Link
- NeuroSparkle blog
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
On today's episode of The Empowered Relationship Podcast, I welcome Dr. Jeanne Michele, who gives her valuable insights into strengthening a relationship after an affair. We discuss the landscape of long-term intimacy, why the challenges we face can help us discover opportunities for personal and relational growth, and how we engage and co-create with our significant other in that relationship growth.
Dr. Jeanne shares her experience of where disconnect can occur in relationships when we withhold our feelings and how we can avoid getting to that stage with our partner. We dive into what kind of changes people can make in their relationships to rebuild trust after infidelity and how to initiate courageous conversations to create positive impact. Opening ourselves up emotionally can make us feel vulnerable, but it is vital to move past hurt and pain into a connected future.
Dr. Jeanne Michele designs and delivers personalized programs to men, women, and couples to help them create lives, relationships, and business partnerships that thrive. She is passionate about helping people create extraordinary relationships and lives. Her work immediately addresses crises, such as infidelity, grief, and lack of life direction, as well as the day-to-day challenges faced by couples and individuals seeking love, recovering from heartache, and those seeking greater clarity in their home and business lives. Individuals and couples experiencing a love or identity crisis find that working with Dr. Jeanne provides immediate relief and gives them the tools to create lasting change.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
06:52 What made Dr. Jeanne turn towards the issue and challenge of infidelity in relationships
09:52 What rebuilding trust and forging new connections can look like after infidelity — and how having those courageous conversations can be challenging after deal-breaker situations
12:11 Shining a light on a deficiency or discontent in a relationship can expose issues that need to be addressed and explored.
14:45 The three fundamental needs that should be fulfilled in a relationship
18:03 Why it’s helpful to highlight the masculine dynamic and historical development when discussing the underlying causes of emotional connections or affairs outside the primary bond
31:07 Understanding the feminine need to be seen and to be validated and the inner conflict that comes when boundaries are crossed
34:39 Dr. Jeannie gives her tips on specific language to use when starting a courageous conversation about potential infidelity with a partner and why having those conversations can have a long term beneficial impact
37:46 Why baring yourself honestly and authentically helps you to connect with your spouse
41:15 Why courageous conversations and even relational-emotional hygiene help build trust in a relationship
44:43 How Dr. Jeanne supports couples to do the repair work and navigate the journey of recovering from an injury like infidelity
48:45 How to connect with Dr. Jeanne Michele and download her free ebook
Mentioned
- Helping Couples Heal Website
- Helping Couples Heal Podcast
- Living & Loving Courageously Website
- Dr Dan Siegel's Website
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
As a practitioner, Varvara originally trained in psychotherapy and spiritual development. Because of her personal journey, she later found out that our fear of relating doesn’t necessarily come from our brain, but from our body and the lack of safety we experienced as an infant. This is where her passion for somatic teaching comes from.
Varvara joins us in today’s episode to explain how developmental trauma can limit intimacy and connection in adult partnership, how our implicit memories can create conflict in our relationships, and how healing can help us take responsibility for our experience and reach out to our partner for support.
Varvara Erochina is a somatic teacher and coach dedicated to personal and collective healing. She offers a multi-disciplinary approach to healing, informed by trauma resolution, Gestalt psychotherapy, spirituality, and life coaching. Her popular course 'How to Feel' offers practical education and embodied practice for feeling your feelings. She is the creator of Cards for Self-Care and offers 1-1 and group coaching, workshops, retreats, classes, and more.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
04:35 The lived experience of each individual comes from the very first relationships we form with ourselves and our caregivers when we were born. It also goes back to how that relationship is built upon memories that form in the body as we grow.
13:51 Talking about trauma can scare and put so many of us into defense. However, it’s essential to recognize trauma as a chronic experience of not having our needs met as an infant.
15:44 The habits of blaming our partners or shutting ourselves off emotionally are the wise survival mechanisms we unconsciously developed as infants. Reclaiming those habits as such will help us move into greater self-connectedness.
21:03 Implicit memories, which is a formal term for feeling memories, are the thought patterns developed in response to a feeling we couldn't process as an infant.
23:18 Corrective experience happens when a new neural pathway gets created. This neural pathway gets deepened when we’re being honest about how we feel, and when we experience appropriate co-regulation and safe attachment.
27:02 Corrective experience is also one of the best ways to experience a newfound safety, freedom, and possibility in our relationships. In order to access this, we must start by acknowledging our feeling of shame, understanding why it has developed in our younger years, and naming its impact by knowing whether it works in our relational life.
33:20 Whether or not our partner is ready to work with the process, we should always start with ourselves; then we go on and take that as far as we want in our relationship.
37:26 Babies experience chronic stress responses when parents appear frightened or frightening to them. If we have this kind of parenting, our infant implicit memory gets activated when we experience ourselves or our partners being frightened or frightening. Therefore, it's incredibly important to use our sensation and non-verbal clues at that moment to notice and differentiate between our adult selves and that very young response.
42:31 How to get in touch with Varvara
Mentioned
- Be With website
- Varvara Erochina Instagram
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
A narcissistic personality operates in a way that drains its partner’s emotional, mental, or financial health. During the course of this toxic and abusive relationship, the victim would voluntarily give up their sense of self and boundaries. They would’ve even gone into the state of cognitive dissonance by not actively recognizing their own values in the hopes of pleasing somebody else.
After 16 years of living as a victim of narcissistic abuse, Triptta realized only she could change her situation. She went on doing recovery work to regain that sense of self and rediscover her personal boundaries. Although it’s difficult to go through the healing process, she believes that doing so opens opportunities for a better, healthier partnership and parenthood.
Triptta Neb Butkovich is the founder of DesignYou, a company that helps you discover how to take back your power and learn to love yourself again. Her mission is to provide a safe and open environment for victims of narcissistic and emotional abuse, to help them learn to value themselves and begin to enjoy healthy relationships again.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
08:32 Unlike those with narcissistic personality disorder, people with narcissistic tendencies can connect with others emotionally.
11:56 A narcissist's survival lies in their way of being. They use their relationships as "supplies" to feel better about themselves.
16:49 Narcissists typically don't change. While it's possible to empathize and sympathize with them, the partner should look into building their own sense of self and setting boundaries in their relationship.
21:14 How Triptta goes about building her sense of self after being abused for so long
24:59 The need to dissolve the relationship depends on whether or not someone has the disorder. Although this doesn't apply to those with narcissistic tendencies, their partner has yet to do some inner processing by reflecting on the following questions: Who am I today? What are my values today? What are the boundaries that I've given up for myself?
29:54 The healing journey using a multi-layered, three-pronged approach on the body, mind, and soul
33:33 How practicing your personal boundaries and decision making aligns with your values and legacy statement
36:24 How to get in touch with Triptta
39:15 Self-healing or doing the recovery work gives an ability to co-create healing with a partner and creates a ripple effect by being an inspiration to children or the community
Mentioned
- DesignYou website
- ERP 226: How To Understand and Deal With a Narcissist – An Interview With Wendy Behary
- ERP 180: What If I Think My Partner Has a Personality Disorder? An Interview With Gabrielle Usatynski
- ERP 162: How To Know If You Are With a Narcissist and What To Do About It – Dr. Lisa Firestone
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Contrary to the other five, the love language of personal space isn’t expressed in an active manner, but rather it's being intentional, supportive, and respectful with one another. It gives someone permission to spend time reflecting, contemplating, and doing other inner processes.
While it’s romantic to have connection and engagement in a relationship, it’s also true that couples who are deeply committed in their relationship need space and time apart. However, putting this idea into practice brings up fear and insecurity sometimes.
Today’s episode is the continuation of How to Use the 6th Love Language in Your Relationship, discussing what hinders a couple’s ability to give and/or receive space and solitude, what expectations to consider in order to devise a compromise acceptable to both sides, how to assess our need for space, and finally, how to practice the 6th love language in your relationship in conscious and proactive ways.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
07:40 The gift of personal space and solitude is presumed by many as the 6th love language. This act of love and care is particularly helpful to introverts, highly-sensitive, and artistic people.
09:48 Practicing this love language helps empaths achieve clarity on things they’ve been contemplating about. This is supported by a research study on liminal space where some of the best inventions, equations, and ideas are said to be coming from.
13:55 Modern living as well as changes in our relationship norms and stereotypical roles make it difficult for us to get a true sense of space. This could especially be true for people who are living in close quarters, people sheltered in place during the time of the pandemic, and individuals who can hardly differentiate time for self-care, romance, work, and domestic responsibility.
18:26 Inquiring about your partner's expectations is a helpful starting place to begin the conversation. From here, you can start to work together to achieve a win-win solution. One method is to take into account our family background, what we’re used to, and how our sense of culture was negotiating time and space.
20:06 Reflecting on the following areas can also help inform your expectations in partnership: Do you depend on your partner to fulfill many of your needs? How are you with self-care? Are you honest about your needs? Do you take comfort in being alone?
24:22 When inquiring about your partner's expectations, you may also want to consider the levels of attention, engagement, and communication that each of you is willing to give and/or receive.
28:28 A guide to knowing our need for space
32:10 The gift of space and distance are shown in various forms, for example: being supportive of your partner’s endeavor, allowing your partner to enjoy their moments with friends, encouraging them to pursue their commitments, and being respectful with their hobbies
38:20 How to honor the 6th love language in your relationship
Mentioned
- Life on Purpose: How Living for What Matters Most Changes Everything by Victor J Strecher (*Amazon Link)
- A Guide to Speaking the 6th Love Language article by Pedram Shojai
- ERP 281: How To Use The 6th Love Language In Your Relationship – Part 1
- ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship
- ERP 238: How To Find Your Emotional Balance In Relationship
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Knowing your partner’s love language can offer positive outcomes in your relationship. The five love languages describe the different ways that romantic partners express and experience love. Oftentimes, the act of love that we’re willing to give is connected with our dominant language. Although it’s strenuous to match your partner’s especially in the early stages of your relationship, it can be achieved with practice and commitment to the process.
The practice of the 6th love language in your relationship is also pivotal to you and your partner's optimal living and real functioning. Taking time for one's self or self-care should not be viewed as a partial or total absence of engagement in the relationship. Here’s why. Today’s episode discusses how you can apply and cultivate the benefits of the 6th love language in your relationship to be more present, more available, and have more opportunities to engage in an authentic relationship with your partner.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
04:19 Gary Chapman’s five love languages — words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, gifts — neatly package an individual’s preferred care style. Everyone has a primary love language that’s related to what they hope to receive from their partner.
11:03 The 6th love language — space — is an act of deep love and care where you give/ask your partner for space. This sense of space or solitude may come in the forms of physical or relational distance where a person takes time to contemplate, process, and feel one’s own truth.
12:47 Introverts and highly sensitive people value this love language more than others due to their absorbing nature. This allows them time to reflect, process, and be comfortable in their own company.
18:18 Emotional disconnect in relationships occurs when someone has mistakenly picked up on their partner’s non-verbal cues. To counteract this, revealing conversations that aim to articulate or educate both sides’ wants are necessary.
23:41 In times of conflict, men may benefit more from the 6th love language as they need a moment to breathe and process things before actively engaging with their partner. However, the difference in gender lies in the ability to name and articulate the concern.
28:53 On Jessica’s personal relationship: How the practice of revealing conversations and the 6th love language have sustained their healthy marriage
Mentioned
- The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (*Amazon Link)
- The "Are You A Highly Sensitive Person" Test by Elaine Aron
- 17 Traits of Highly Sensitivity People Article
- ERP 134: Sensitivity and Intimacy with Candy Crawford
- ERP 273: How to Handle the Concern of Vulnerability Not Working in Relationship
- Grief Refuge app
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
The natural fear we feel when showing vulnerability is tied to our survival instinct. However, this fear can affect intimacy in our relationships. Working through the specific moments in our past which triggered this fear is a painful but rewarding process, and can allow us to grow and foster more intimate relationships.
The causes of our fears account for many factors including cultural and intergenerational trauma. Therefore, the most important elements to foster healing are open communication and creating a safe space to be vulnerable.
Mitchell Smolkin is a certified emotionally-focused couples therapist (EFT), Jungian psychoanalyst, published author, experienced public speaker, and the host of “The Dignity of Suffering Podcast.” He explains what we should expect around vulnerability in relationships & why it matters.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
- 03:56 Introduction to Mitchell and EFT
- 07:24 Vulnerability in relationship is a particular skill that is practiced over a lifetime.
- 11:11 Cultural and intergenerational history are important contexts in the process of healing.
- 18:42 Vulnerability as a relational phenomena. Notice your first reactions to disconnection, name them, to track where the upset originates.
- 25:28 Hiding what you are feeling can't overwrite the nervous system. We have mirror neurons that actually anticipate partner's responses.
- 29:07 Just allowing another person can establish safety. However, being anti-social is tied to survival but this is terrible for intimacy.
- 35:26 How to discern between vulnerability and being afraid. Just talking about it with a professional creates the safety to get out of your cycles of fear.
- 44:01 Meaningful conversations need to happen in the right environments, as well as the right frames of mind. Partners are continuously learning how to make each other safe.
- 48:12 Connect with Mitchell
Mentioned
-
Mitchell Smolkin Website
-
Mitchell Smolkin Instagram
-
The Dignity of Suffering Podcast
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Every single person needs secure relationships. While this is true for everyone, finding it is not always the simplest process—and here is where extended family comes in. Tracy McMillan, a television writer, relationship expert, and author joins the show to discuss how relationship problems almost always have roots in the family.
Tracy's own show called "Family or Fiance" fosters the healing of relationships by addressing generational trauma. She finds that partners in relationship come out of the show feeling liberated when they experience breakthroughs with their families.
Tracy is an accomplished author whose works include Mad Men, Good Girls Revolt, Marvel's Runaways, and United States of Tara. She has written three books including a relationship book called Why You’re Not Married… Yet and a memoir called I Love You and I'm Leaving You Anyway.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
- 03:47 Introduction to Tracy and her unique voice as a relationship expert
- 12:33 Spirituality helps create secure attachment. This is a human need regardless of sex or gender.
- 14:07 Relationships as needs: Now less about survival and more about self-actualization.
- 19:25 Healing a relationship is healing generational trauma. Breakthroughs can happen in an instant and all it takes is honesty to oneself.
- 25:15 Creating visibility and normalizing therapy is the main goal of Family or Fiance. It helps change the narrative in communities that do not believe in therapy.
- 29:10 Families find unity and common ground with their experience on Family or Fiance.
- 32:49 How to connect with Tracy
Mentioned
- I Love You and I'm Leaving You Anyway: A Memoir
- Why You're Not Married . . . Yet: The Straight Talk You Need to Get the Relationship You Deserve
- Tracy McMillan Facebook
- Tracy McMillan Twitter
- Tracy McMillan Instagram
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
It is common for codependent people to be people pleasers. While this strategy is effective at avoiding conflict, it also builds up anger and resentment that your partner may not even know about. Michelle Farris is a licensed psychotherapist, anger management specialist, and course creator. She discusses how letting go of codependence is not an easy task as the anger that so often accompanies codependence feels too familiar.
Toxic codependence does not have to be a permanent reality. Michelle explains that therapy provides a safe space to work out the root cause of your pain and allows you to go through the complex process of recovery. Michelle's work helps codependent people trust themselves and create mutually satisfying relationships. She has been featured on Psych Central, Bustle, Your Tango, The Good Men Project, and The Daily Positive to name a few.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
- 07:18 Codependency is a relationship pattern that focuses on others at the expense of yourself. It relies on external validation. Recovery helps people discover their personal identities.
- 08:58 Identifying the traits of codependence that are hurting you is the first step of recovery. It may take years to become ready to let go as there is a painful withdrawal process that must be undertaken.
- 15:50 Saying no takes practice. Start with the safest people who are okay with you saying no and start with the "baby nos."
- 18:26 Codependent people may not relate with the word anger, as it may be too scary, but can typically relate with resentment.
- 21:14 Voicing what hurt you is a liberating experience. It has the potential of changing the dynamics of your relationship because it creates awareness of what you're feeling, something which may not have been apparent before.
- 24:49 Codependents don't go to anger immediately. It is, in many ways, a secondary emotion that comes after hurt. But festering anger and feelings of being a victim begin with hurt not being handled in the first place.
- 29:04 When anger leads to rage it is critical to be mindful. It is probably not the best time to talk and you may need to take some time off and walk away before returning.
- 32:10 Anger at oneself is tricky territory. It's important to have a safe community, perhaps in therapy, where you are validated that you did the best you can given your circumstances and you can make a different choice when you are ready.
- 34:15 Recovery involves fixing your relationship with yourself, improving your relationship skills, and doing the childhood work. This is not linear and the issues with each aspect happen at the same time, making recovery a complex endeavor.
- 37:03 An addiction to relationship is additionally complex as having it is a biological necessity. However, what therapy does is lessen the dependence on other people.
- 42:17 Receiving a favor is a practice that not only helps you take care of yourself but also allows others to be present in your life.
- 44:46 How to get in touch with Michelle and learn more about Counseling Recovery
Mentioned
-
Counseling Recovery Website
-
Counseling Recovery Checklist
-
ERP 260: How to Break Free from Codependency in a Relationship – an Interview with Sherry Gaba
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Authentic relating refers to how you express your own authentic self, the way you seek the same from your partner, and the dynamic created in between. Sara Ness, an internationally acclaimed facilitator, teacher, and community-builder popularized the field of Authentic Relating through the use of authentic relating games.
The values of authentic relating include awareness, empathy, honesty, and the importance of creating space. Not only does this help romantic relationships blossom into their most authentic forms, but it also helps multinational organizations like Google, Mindvalley, and Burning Man grow in authentic leadership and communication.
Sara Ness wrote the source text for Authentic Relating and has worked with tens of thousands of students in more than 100 communities on every continent except Antarctica.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
- 04:12 Authentic relating involves 3 perspectives: ourselves (authenticity), the other person and how we relate, and the space in between. There is a constant feeling out of how much of our authentic truth we bring and seek, and the synergy between.
- 08:39 Authentic relating games like Withholds and Appreciations allow you to look at your relationship instead of simply being in it. These exercises reveal, through honest communication, relationship patterns that may act as barriers in relationship.
- 13:11 The Noticing game puts to words the feelings, sensations, and lines of thoughts you have with your partner. It reveals the idea of presence in connection with someone else.
- 18:04 Authenticity has layers and is congruent to the values we are committed to. Your values will dictate the level and kind of authenticity you respond from.
- 22:00 Authentic relating exercises are also effective within multinational companies like Google, as well as the addiction recovery space and diversity discussions.
- 25:08 It is even possible to use authentic relating games to actually meet your romantic partner because it teaches how to set boundaries, make requests, and discover your values within a relationship.
- 30:54 Knowing what helps you recover from a trigger before it even happens is one of the most powerful things you can do in relationship.
- 33:36 Making a request is about changing behavior. This must be navigated caringly as different people and social cultures may have different ways of communication. Space must be created for these behaviors to change.
- 39:40 The act of making request is complex and involves vulnerability. Sometimes there is a need to go through conflict to figure out what your request truly is.
- 43:37 How to get in touch with Sara and learn more about Authentic Relating
Mentioned
-
ERP 215: How to Deal with Being “Alone Together”
-
ERP 216: What to Know about Loneliness and Relationship
-
ERP 273: How to Handle The Concern Of Vulnerability Not Working In Relationship
-
The Authentic Revolution website
-
The Authentic Revolution Instagram page
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Self and co-regulation is an essential human need that couples need to understand to know that their relationship is somewhere they can feel safe and come home to. Deb Dana, LCSW, clinician and consultant specializing in Polyvagal theory, joins the podcast to discuss what regulation is, its role in the nervous system, and how couples can apply it to their relationships.
Deb trains therapists worldwide on the Polyvagal approach. She is co-founder of The Polyvagal Institute and author of The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation and Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection: 50 Client-Centered Practices.
Deb is also the co-editor with Stephen Porges of Clinical Application of the Polyvagal Theory: The Emergence of Polyvagal Informed Therapies and developer of the Rythm of Regulation clinical training series among many other pioneering works into this space.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
- 06:21 Co-regulation is the first organizing principle of polyvagal theory. It is a biological need to survive and to experience well-being. For people living with trauma, this did not happen in a safe environment and led to self-regulation instead.
- 08:40 Neuroception is the second organizing principle. It refers to the nervous system's way of getting information. The nervous system is constantly listening to three pathways: inside the body, the environment, and other nervous systems.
- 09:57 Hierarchy is the third organizing principle. There are three states that we visit all the time: ventral (safety and connection), sympathetic (fight and flight), and dorsal (disconnect and shutdown).
- 13:25 Co-dysregulation in relationship is common and when this happens the prefrontal cortex doesn't work the way it should. For couple therapy to be effective, one system must be anchored in ventral.
- 17:52 Protective strategies keep partners sympathetically charged. Since biology keeps nervous systems in this state, timing is important so that connection happens. Reaching by one partner while the other is in this state will result in pushback.
- 27:28 Tips for couples in dysregulated phases and using language other nervous systems can understand.
- 35:01 Asking who, what, where, when is an exercise to anchor to ventral and feel safe.
- 43:07 Contact Deb and learn more about the Polyvagal approach.
Mentioned
-
The Polyvagal Institute Website
-
Rhythm of Regulation Website
-
The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation (*Amazon book link)
-
Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection: 50 Client-Centered Practices (*Amazon book link)
-
Polyvagal Flip Chart: Understanding the Science of Safety (*Amazon book link)
-
Clinical Application of the Polyvagal Theory: The Emergence of Polyvagal Informed Therapies (*Amazon book link)
-
Befriending Your Nervous System: Looking Through the Lens of Polyvagal Theory (*Amazon audiobook link)
-
Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory (*Amazon book link)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Substance abuse disorder wreaks havoc on a relationship with trust being one of the first to erode. Chantal Jauvin, an attorney and book author, joins the podcast to talk on the ASCENT approach which couples in recovery can practice to make their recovery journey successful and reignite the love that may have been lost due to addiction.
Chantal, for all her expertise which made her General Counsel of a Fortune 500 company, did not know how to save her husband from the grips of addiction or building a relationship while in recovery. It took years of soul work and interactions with other couples to produce her second book, Love Without Martinis, to share the lessons she learned along the way.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
03:59 Chantal learns about substance use disorder and collects couples' stories to share to others as a learning tool.
06:12 Recovery covers three aspects: The one suffering, the one who loves them, and the relationship itself.
13:50 Couples can recover successfully from substance abuse with the ASCENT approach.
18:09 A: Assess readiness to change. Shift focus from what cannot be done to what can be done. The Stoplight Method makes it smoother to move areas that are red to yellow and eventually green.
28:07 S: Structure your time. This creates accountability, a key aspect in building trust, and conveys what matters to you and what you truly value.
31:33 C: Create your community. Addiction creates trauma and emotional baggage, so meeting new people, it provides a fresh start without the guilt associated with past behaviors. It also teaches you on how to set healthy boundaries.
34:43 E: Engage in your life. To feel the joy of living, to get fired up, you need to assume responsibility for your own life. Engaging in what makes you happy helps your own individual growth, as well as the growth of the couple itself.
38:47 N: Nurture your spirituality. This allows each partner to pause and become self-aware to break the chain reaction of action and reaction which is so prevalent in substance abuse disorder.
41:24 T: Treasure your partnership. A touch, smile, or compliment says, "I see you" and creates meaning.
Mentioned
- Chantal's website
- Chantal's Facebook
- Chantal's Instagram
- Chantal's LinkedIn
- Love Without Martinis Amazon page (*Amazon Link)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.
Borderline personality disorders make things appear as black and white with no integration between the two. It manifests as rejecting the love and support from a partner, the very thing that a person with this disorder actually needs in the first place.
Gabrielle Usatynski, a licensed professional counselor and relationship expert, explains that borderline personality disorders cause radical misperceptions which cause confusion in relationship. Displaying compassion plays a central role in healing the very source of the trauma to result in more loving and fulfilling relationships.
Gabrielle is the host of the new TV show "Iconic Couples of History" and the Founder of the Power Couples Institute. She has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Counseling Today, and Women's Health. She has an upcoming book entitled "The Power Couple Formula" due for release later this year.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
06:51 Personality disorders impair the way we look at our identity and the identity of others. This has a significant impact on displays of empathy and intimacy in relationship.
13:15 "Splitting" in personality disorders means a person cannot integrate opposing thoughts and only sees things as one or another. There is a lack of integration between the two, something which normally develops very early in life.
18:57 There is a nurture aspect to borderline personality disorders which is attributed to trauma, abuse, and/or neglect. Any sabotage to a growing person's self-activation will manifest in relationships well into adulthood.
26:46 Borderline personality disorder affects the socio-emotional capacity to separate raw emotions and physiological experiences. It is a lack of neural integration that results in poor reality testing.
35:08 Clinicians can easily misdiagnose borderline personality disorders. There is a need for partners to display love and compassion to address the root trauma that is causing so much disconnect in relationship.
41:01 Borderline personalities sabotage the very thing they need the most, which is the love and security they receive from their partners.
44:53 How to care for a partner with borderline personality disorder.
51:34 Having a third party observe the dynamics of a relationship and attempt to fix the system can create profound changes in the individuals.
53:42 Couples with a shared mission, an organized principle between them, give a reason to hold in the relationship through the good and bad times.
56:35 Get in touch with Gabrielle.
Mentioned
- Power Couples Education website
- The Power Couple Formula book website
- Power Couples Counseling
- Power Couples Education YouTube Channel
- ERP: 180: What If I Think My Partner Has a Personality Disorder? An Interview with Gabrielle Usatynski
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
Vulnerability is a key aspect in connecting with your partner. It makes you feel seen and provides a sense of belonging. However, the longing to feel known and the fear of letting down our guard are two competing human needs that must be understood with compassion.
In many cases, our own protective strategies helped us survive trauma and pain in the past. However, many years later, these same strategies prevent us from becoming seen, validated, and known. Today's episode discusses some of the most common protective strategies and what you can do to turn it around and increase intimacy in relationship.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
05:25 Vulnerability cultivates connection. Disconnect happens when there is a block between the call of one partner and the response of the other.
10:02 Being vulnerable is difficult. The desire for intimacy is there but an inner conflict based on fear holds us back from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.
14:42 Having a safe container for vulnerability is paramount. This is rooted in biology via the polyvagal system which requires us to have reciprocal and safe interactions with our closest connections.
18:42 The most successful couples respond to each other’s "bids" or calls and responses. This allows couples to feel validated and seen.
22:14 Unsuccessful attempts at vulnerability are caused by "blocks" or personal protective strategies. It has been proven that humans choose safety and familiarity over intimacy and vulnerability during critical moments.
29:15 The desire to be known and to protect against hurt are two competing human needs. Being in a threatened state makes it impossible to access vulnerability and have constructive conversations.
31:13 Examples of protective tendencies that get in the way vulnerability include people-pleasing, intellectualizing/explaining/defending, numbing out, getting angry/reacting, hiding, being resistant, denial, being stressed/tired, and independent stance.
38:02 Tips to cultivate vulnerability and increase intimacy in your relationship.
Mentioned
- ERP 233: How to Deal with Fears of Intimacy – Part One
- ERP 234: How to Deal with Fears of Intimacy – Part Two
- ERP 247: How to Turn Towards Your Partner to Strengthen Your Love
- ERP 261: How to Strengthen Your Relationship from a Polyvagal Perspective – an Interview with Dr. Stephen Porges
- ERP 220: How to Reconnect Emotionally with your Significant Other
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
New parents cannot truly prepare for the profound changes a baby brings. Catherine O’Brien, Licensed Marriage, Family Therapist, and founder of HappyWithBaby.com shares tips to keep your relationship strong despite the very real challenges of raising kids.
One of the most common changes new parents experience is the disconnect that brews between them due to the demands of the baby. The secret to overcoming this and even strengthening your relationship is by honestly communicating what your needs are and validating each other when parenting is done right.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
05:31 Introduction to Catherine O'Brien
06:25 Prenatal classes to prepare for your first child are important but having a baby brings unforeseen consequences, such as creating a disconnect with your partner.
11:18 Each parent feels like they are doing all the work. Postpartum communication is critical to share the load and make sure you and your partner know what tasks need to be done and by whom.
14:29 Communication also strengthens your connection with your partner. This connection can fade given the enormous number of tasks needed to raise a child.
19:00 Take stock of your own needs first then see how you can be there for your partner next. This way, you can both bond with your baby in a meaningful way.
22:49 It's normal to not enjoy every moment of being a parent. Acknowledging and validating each other is important to keep your love alive and foster positive growth as parents.
25:14 Having a united front and handling unwanted parenting advice.
31:47 Catherine's baby-friendly tips for self-care and reigniting your relationship.
39:46 How to get in touch with Catherine and her Facebook group.
Mentioned
- Catherine's website
- Happy with Baby Community Facebook Group
- Happy with Baby Facebook Page
- Happy with Baby Instagram Page
- Happy with Baby Twitter Page
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
Holding on to the past may seem like gaining power over things that cannot be changed, but the opposite is true. Judith Belmont, motivational speaker, author, and psychotherapist for 40 years, advises that forgiving makes you and your relationship happier and more loving.
Forgiveness is essential to become free of the pains of the past. The hurt may never leave, but it can be managed positively so that you no longer have to bring it into your relationship and instead focus on the here and now.
Judith is the author of 9 mental health and wellness books and therapeutic card decks, including Embrace Your Greatness and The Anxiety and Stress Solution Deck. Her books cover self-help, personal development, and tips and tools for therapists working with clients.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
04:17 Introduction to Judith Belmont
06:43 Forgiving does not condone an action that was taken. What it does is allow you to move on from your past and prevent another person from gaining power over you.
10:28 Reliving the hurt of the past means that you will never be free of it. This is the opposite of mindfulness which is defined as non-judgmental awareness.
15:41 People don't want to be wronged. Forgiveness may seem counterproductive to this sense of righteousness, but it allows you to overcome a former way of thinking that is no longer relevant to you and your life today.
17:02 In relationship, living your partner's narrative of you makes you at the mercy of someone else and distorts your self-esteem.
20:07 The hardest thing for most people is forgiving themselves as people are notoriously less forgiving of themselves than others.
23:31 Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. Forgiveness is giving up your righteousness that you were wronged or you wronged yourself, accepting what happened and growing from it.
28:58 Reclaim your power over your feelings. It is YOU who allowed yourself to feel something with someone else's actions. Be a victor instead of being a victim.
33:15 Feeling hurt is necessary to let you know that something wrong happened. In fact, some situations will deepen you because of the hurt. You can manage hurt instead of carrying it.
37:29 Judith's tips and strategies for forgiving others and yourself
40:11 Information on Judith's books, therapeutic cards, and website
Mentioned
- Judith's website
- What is Your Forgiveness IQ? by Judith Belmont
- Judith's Amazon author page
- ERP 026: How to Repair & Resolve Hurt in Relationship
- ERP 123: Forgive For Love with Dr. Fred Luskin
- ERP 153: How to Repair a Breach of Trust in Relationship
- ERP 158: How to Resolve Resentment in Your Relationship
- Shifting Criticism for Connected Communication by Dr. Jessica Higgins
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
People who live with relational trauma develop hypersensitive nervous systems as a survival instinct. Orit Krug, an award-winning Board-Certified Dance and Movement Therapist, explains that this results in a disconnect between what the mind wants and the body feels, hindering us from experiencing true intimacy in loving relationships.
Certain movements represent certain behaviors and desired ones can be triggered through dance and movement. As trauma is also expressed in physical posturing and habits, dance therapy can rewire new patterns of behavior through body movement and desire for a healthy and loving space.
Orit has over a decade of experience helping women heal from past trauma and enjoy healthy lifelong relationships with their partners. Orit founded the “Mind Your Body” podcast and has been featured in Elephant Journal, ThriveGlobal, Authority Magazine, as well as quoted in SELF & INSIDER.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
01:52 Relationships are mirrors that reveal wounded aspects of ourselves. Addressing these ignored areas allows us to become better equipped in navigating long-term relational intimacy.
04:10 Introduction to Orit Krug: Her history of trauma and expertise in dance and movement therapy.
09:13 Trauma gets trapped in the nervous system and causes us to become hyper vigilant. Survival responses are designed to keep us safe and cannot be changed by simply adopting mindsets.
13:40 People living with trauma attract negative relationships that sabotage intimacy and pleasure because of its familiarity.
16:32 Recognize avoidant and numbing behavior patterns in intimate relationships that cause disconnects between mind and body. Getting triggered by these automatic reactions clouds our access to our higher brains and prevents sexual intimacy.
21:39 As memories of trauma are stored in our bodies as different sensations, dance and movement therapy provide a safe space to tune in again. This therapy also helps expand our window of tolerance for being vulnerable in a relationship.
29:44 Different movements represent different behaviors. How we hold our body is a habitual and physiological manifestation that prevents us from becoming the best versions of ourselves.
35:36 How dance therapy works: Revealing behavioral patterns in your relationship and feeling a space between your instinctive reactions and actual responses to heal from years of trauma
46:06 Information on Orit's free programs and Facebook group
Mentioned
- The Wired for Love Website
- The Lasting Love Movement Group
- Orit Krug's Let Love In Program
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
The Nice Guy Syndrome has become the norm for so many men. Dr. Robert Glover, author of the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy," comes on today's show to tell us how to unlearn this passive-aggressive persona, overcome sexual shame, and enjoy healthier relationships.
Dr. Robert Glover shares his own history of living as a Nice Guy and the breaking points that told him enough is enough. He has spent over 30 years helping men and women get the love, sex, and life they want. His groundbreaking books, classes, podcasts, and seminars have helped form the foundation for a growing world-wide men’s movement.
Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
02:42 Dr. Jessica Higgins revisits the Empowered Relationship Podcast intention to achieve long-lasting intimacy.
07:00 Introduction to Dr. Robert Glover and the "Nice Guy Syndrome."
10:20 Unpacking "Covert Contracts" and the paradigm of the Nice Guy
14:49 The Nice Guy Syndrome: Anxiety, shame, passive-aggressive behavior. Dr. Glover explains that this begins as an infant's precognitive response to pain that gets carried into adulthood.
23:23 No More Mr. Nice Guy teaches that there is a better alternative to the "default" roadmap of Nice Guys: Fear of confrontation, agreeing too much, and the inability to take a clear stand.
32:15 Nice Guys mindsets on expectations and attraction, including passive-aggressive behavior, are fundamentally flawed.
37:09 Pushing down wants and needs leads to problems with intimacy, living fantasy worlds, and porn. Too often, Nice Guys assume that they have to conceal their interest in a girl due to their sexual shame.
43:17 Tips and strategies: Dr. Glover gives practical advice so Nice Guys can take control and be honest with themselves.
52:41 How to contact Dr. Robert Glover
Mentioned
- robert@drglover.com
- Dr. Robert Glover's Website
- No More Mr Nice Guy Homepage
- Dating Essentials For Men
- Get your own copy of at No More Mr. Nice Guy at Amazon
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today's episode, I talk with Irene Fehr. We discuss how to be better prepared to navigate long-lasting intimacy and deal with the extensive range of emotions that come with long-term relationships. We also talk about what emotions may be activated and how we can learn new perspectives on our relationship by becoming more curious and explorative.
Ending up in a sexless marriage when she lost her libido, Irene felt shame around not sexually wanting her partner. She shut down and withdrew from life because she thought there was something wrong with her as a woman. From this point, Irene wanted to help other couples rediscover the magic of sex in all different stages to have a fulfilled intimate sexual experience, no matter how long a couple is together.
Listen in to learn why looking outside of your relationship to fix a sexless marriage won't work, how couples can create connection sex, and how Irene helps couples navigate and access needs and sexual desires.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio
As a Sex and Intimacy Coach, Irene Fehr, MA, CPCC, has helped hundreds of committed couples to add sex and passion into sexless relationships and fall in love with each other again. She is no stranger to her clients' complaints, having recovered from the all-too-common story of "happy marriage turned sexless" when she lost her libido. You can read Irene's perspectives on sex, sexual desire in a long-term relationship, and women's libido in HuffPost, Cosmopolitan, Refinery29, and ScaryMommy.
In this episode, Irene Fehr & Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Why friction sex has a shelf life and limits
- The three types of sex during stages of relationships
- How sex can get repetitive for couples
- Why women can lose their libido
- How stress can reduce your sex hormones
- Why friction sex is fueled by drugs and alcohol
- Where attachment is a factor in sex and relationships
- How sex can turn into a battleground for validation
- The three sex myths people fall into
- How couples can allow for quality time together and more touch
- The importance of making enough quality time together
- Messaging around the arousal journey
- Why you need to create space around your body as a woman
Mentioned
- Visit Irene Fehr on the web
- Free 3-video training “How to Want Sex Again"
- Three types of sex as background
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today's episode, Dr. Joli Hamilton speaks about jealousy, defining what jealousy is and approaching jealousy in a relationship. Jealousy isn't a simple emotion and is made in tangled layers of gross emotions we don't like to feel, such as sadness, anger, grief, arousal, and fear.
Jealousy reminds us that we love, lust, and desire someone that has this strange tone. Envy plays along with jealousy as we are wishing we had something someone else has. Insecurity plays a role as it's a root cause of intense jealousy and reduces our resilience in relationships.
Listen in to learn how to separate the feelings of insecurity from jealousy, what can be perceived as a threat in a relationship, and why we wish we could be protected from jealousy.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio
Dr. Joli Hamilton is a research psychologist, best-selling author, TEDx speaker, and AASECT certified sex educator. She has spent the past two decades balancing a wild entrepreneurial spirit with a deep desire to have a secure, passionate partnership along with raising 7 kids along the way! Joli is committed to helping women create sustainable, soul-nourishing relationships without sacrificing their career dreams.
In this episode, Dr. Hamilton & Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- The definition of jealousy as it applies to relationships
- Why imagining our relationship being interrupted by another can provoke jealousy
- How insecurity plays into jealousy in a relationship
- Why envy results from insecurity
- Work we can do to improve our own self-esteem
- Types of threats people can perceive with jealousy
- The importance of why we need to feel like we have something to give in a relationship
- Variables that can affect jealousy in a relationship
- Why having mutual understanding is so important
- How childhood trauma affects jealousy
- Techniques for managing jealousy
- Why monogamy doesn’t protect you from feelings of jealousy
- Grief plays a significant role in jealousy
- Four ways to deal with jealousy
Mentioned
- Dr. Joli Hamilton on the web
- Polysecure the book
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast:https://www.marisatcohen.com/book.html
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today's episode, Shana James and I talk about being more vulnerable and showing more transparency about our experience, intentions, and hopes and how this can help promote more intimacy in relationships.
When relating to others, on one end of the spectrum we can be people-pleasing and shame collapsing. On the opposite side, we can be controlling and dominant. Neither option leads to a fulfilling relationship. Whereas in the middle, we have a sense of assertiveness, strength, and having an open heart with transparency and vulnerability. Having a healthy balance and a dynamic exchange between two people centered around support is the most advantageous for building relationships.
Having a conversation based on "compassionate curiosity" without jumping to assumptions or conclusions can lead to great learning and understanding. The more you take leadership in the conversation, the more you can be available to feel your partner's fears.
Listen in to learn how to create a safe space for both partners, how to turn your emotional walls into doorways for conversation, and how to collaborate together for heightened sex and intimacy.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio
For 15 years Shana James coached more than a thousand leaders, CEOs, authors and people with big visions to find love, step into more powerful leadership, start and grow businesses, create a legacy, and become more personally inspired and fulfilled.
Shana cuts through distraction and provides direct access to confidence, power and clarity. She is also a translator between women and men, providing effective tools to transform conversations and dynamics that have gone awry into connection.
In this episode, Shana & Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Humanity, trust and feeling safe inside relationships and at work
- How to show up for yourself in your relationship
- Why you don’t need to flip to the complete opposite side of an archetype
- Getting into a locked dynamic when one person in a partnership isn’t being vulnerable
- What challenging each other through love can look like
- How to motivate or encourage people who are afraid to be vulnerable
- Why practicing conversation with someone is important
- The importance of feeling seen and heard for females in a relationship
Mentioned
- Shana James Coaching on the web
- What 1000’s Men’s Tears Reveal Ted Talk by Shana James
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast:https://www.marisatcohen.com/book.html
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today's episode, Georgia, Silver, and I chat about how to take a different perspective with your partner, how to know each other more deeply and have the ability to cultivate intimacy in relationship.
Prior to meeting, Georgia hadn’t thrived in relationships and Silver had essentially written them off completely. When Silver and Georgia entered into relationship, they decided to start to open up to each other as never before. They recorded every conversation and used their talking points to create their first book together.
We often aren't taught intimacy in our life. It can be helpful to reflect on which patterns are healthy and which are not. Then, you can practice shifting out of the unhealthy patterns, so that you can give yourself room to grow in relationship.
Listen in to learn how to hold space for each other in a relationship; self-development works as it applies to building your relationship with others and peering into a new relationship or aspect of your life.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio
Georgia Morley is an Emotional Resilience Coach,CBT, relationship mentor with over 10 years experience working with women around addiction, physical and emotional body health, developmental trauma and sexual reclamation after abuse.
Silver Storic is an Author and Mentor boldly showing up as a Global Connection Ambassador, leading workshops and keynotes on Radical Truth and recovery from codependency. Silver co-authored the Amazon bestseller Better Business, Better Life, Better World - The Movement.
Together, Georgia & Silver share their life's work of freedom from codependent themes and painful relationship patterns that oppress relationships and keep couples from experiencing true intimacy in partnership.
In this episode, Georgia, Silver, & Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How to live a life of fulfillment and love
- The types of confines we put on our relationships
- How Georgia and Silver co-created their ideal relationship together
- The three elements of relationship
- Why wounds and trauma show up in our adult relationship
- Changing the somatic and cognitive experiences of your life
- Losing perspective of yourself and your relationship
- Acknowledging toxic aspects and relationships as unhealthy patterns
- How to have love leadership in your relationship
- Creating healthy practices for yourself and your relationship
- Living inside the feeling of discomfort
Mentioned
- Love, Life and Legacy
- Follow on Instagram
- Check out their Facebook Group
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast:https://www.marisatcohen.com/book.html
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today's episode, Robin Hills and I chat about emotional intelligence and how your EI can improve your relationship. Robin talks about his life-long journey in developing EI skills for himself and what emotional intelligence looks like in action.
As emotional beings, we can't manage our "emotional platter" all the time. There are times when we aren't feeling well, and we won't be at our EI best. In addition, we can find times to give others space when they need an emotional break.
Self-awareness plays a significant role in emotional intelligence. Those with high self-awareness tend to be the people with good EI, and those with low self-awareness tend to have low EI. Working on self-awareness is a skill that can be used to reflect on how your preferences and behaviors are manifesting themselves.
Listen in to learn why empathy is a significant part of acquiring EI, why it's OK for men to express emotions, and how EI starts when you are a baby.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio
Robin is the director of Ei4Change, a company specialized in emotional intelligence, positive psychology and neuroscience. He has taught more than 100,000 students how to build resilience, increased self-awareness and understanding of others. His programs are today used in educational establishments in South Africa and India. He is the author of two books and has developed the experiential coaching methodology: Images of Resilience, and sits on the North West Committee of the Association of Business Psychology.
In this episode, Robin Hill & Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Variables that can affect your emotional intelligence
- How emotional intelligence is managing your emotions and understanding others emotions through understanding and empathy
- Why reflecting on self-awareness is a key element in moving toward EI balance
- The role empathy plays in emotional intelligence and relationships
- The importance of recognizing when others have a lower EI
- Toxic relationships and how that plays in emotional intelligence
- How Myers-Briggs and other tools can give you valuable personality information
- The way we process information is a big part of understanding how to communicate with another
- Tips for building emotional intelligence
Mentioned
- Visit Robin on the web
- Episode 199 How to Use Your Emotional Intelligence for Connection Part I
- Episode 200 How to Use Your Emotional Intelligence for Connection Part II
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast:https://www.marisatcohen.com/book.html
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today's episode, I'm chatting with GS Youngblood, a coach focusing on masculine energy. The values of clarity and leadership are what he uses as a basis for his model on masculine leadership. We talk about the masculine energy in relationship to the feminine energy and how each energy holds its own space in each relationship.
GS's practice focuses on what men can do to get over their "nice guy" energy in trying to appease everyone. His blueprints show men how to respond from their masculine core without feeling like they have to control everything around them.
Today, men are stuck in between taking control and pleasing their partner. GS's three-part blueprint shows men how to be grounded, create safety, choose to respond (rather than react) and to provide structure and clarity, which in turn greatly affects their relationship.
Listen in to learn how men can be more embodied, how the elements of his blueprint provide structure, and how to create safety in relationship.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio
GS Youngblood coaches men in relationships on how to live, love, and lead from their Masculine core. He specializes in “nice guys” who are with strong women. His teachings combine deep embodiment work with the framework of the Masculine blueprint from his book “The Masculine in Relationship”.
In his past life, GS was a high-tech executive in Sales and Marketing for 16 years, including founding and selling a company. The leadership practices of Silicon Valley, based on clarity and inspiration rather than control, are a major influence on the model of Masculine leadership he shares with his clients.
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How to bring masculine energy out into the world and your relationship
- Details of each element of GS’s blueprint
- Examples of how masculine energy works in a relationship
- The “nice guy” dynamic in a relationship
- How emotional pain takes a role in a relationship
- Where men are getting stuck in their masculinity
- How anxiety plays a role in stopping men from stepping into their masculine role
- Example verbiage to use when creating clarity in asking for what you want
- Why name calling your partner “crazy” is a bad choice for your relationship
- How to connect to your heart and your sense of embodiment
Mentioned
- Visit GS on the web
- Connect with GS on Facebook
- Follow GS on Instagram
- The Masculine in Relationship: A Blueprint for Inspiring the Trust, Lust, and Devotion of a Strong Woman by GS Youngblood (book)*
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast:https://www.marisatcohen.com/book.html
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today's episode, I will offer some input on what you want to be considering if you are doubting or questioning your relationship. Evaluating the choice to stay or go will matter depending on your commitment level, if you are dating or if you are in a long-term committed relationship or marriage.
Overall, it is tough to give a prescriptive answer that will fit everyone. Some standard deal-breakers make being in a relationship impossible or too harmful and painful such as abuse, addiction, or affairs.
Other times, we may experience nuances that make it difficult to be clear about "should I stay or should I go." It is confusing when we get into trying to compare other people's experiences to our own. One situation may mean two completely different things in different relationships.
The majority of the time, when I am helping couples work with their pain, conflict, upset, discord, I see how they are both playing into the problematic dynamic. The dynamic of the relationship is usually the source of disconnect between a couple.
Listen in to learn how to improve your current relationship, dating traps you can fall into, and how to figure out what is a real dealbreaker for you with your boundaries and values.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Common deal breakers in relationships
- Commitment level in relationship makes a difference when evaluating the relationship
- How to get clear about what you are experiencing in relationship
- When personal protection and defenses gets in the way of connecting in a relationship
- Limits and boundaries during dating
- Dating traps to avoid when seeking a healthy relationship
- How fantasy bonds can cloud decision making
- Learning about your boundaries and sense of value
- How to get clear on what you want in a relationship
- Warning signs for your relationship, which can be wake-up calls if you do the work
Mentioned
- How to Break Free from CoDependency Episode 260
- How to Strengthen your Relationship from a Polyvagal Perspective - an Interview with Dr. Stephen Porges Episode 261
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast:https://www.marisatcohen.com/book.html
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today’s episode, I’m joined by Stephen Porges, and we’ll be talking about how to create safety with reciprocal cues within a relationship from a polyvagal perspective. Polyvagal theory helps us understand how our nervous systems operate and how we can support our ability to be more present and open with another.
Stephen encourages us to consider how we typically view various aspects of relationship: the ways we experience attraction and bonding and our sense of love and long-term relationship. Through these understandings, we can improve our relationship by developing more connection, security and safety within our bonds.
Listen in to learn how our mammalian vagal pathway is linked to our facial expressions, how past trauma can affect your physical state from a polyvagal perspective, and why we need to respect and honor our feelings and bodies.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
Stephen W. Porges, Ph.D. is Distinguished University Scientist at Indiana University where he is the founding director of the Traumatic Stress Research Consortium in the Kinsey Institute. He is the originator of the Polyvagal Theory, that emphasizes the importance of physiological state in the expression of behavioral, mental, and health problems related to traumatic experiences. He is the creator of a music-based intervention, the Safe and Sound Protocol™ , currently used by more than 1500 therapists to improve spontaneous social engagement, to reduce hearing sensitivities, and to improve language processing.
In this episode, Dr. Stephen Porges and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How the polyvagal theory relates to the couple experience
- How our physiological state impacts our relationships with other people
- What coregulation is and how it influences our interactions
- Why the physiological state we are in can bias our decision-making
- The important difference between being welcomed versus experiencing a reaction from another
- What is happening for people when they shut down and disassociate
- How gut problems can occur when our nervous system is shut down or in the dorsal response
- Why trauma-based behavior often results in a state of becoming disembodied
- The importance of social systems and how they may or may not support our nervous system and functioning
- The initial stages of romance from a polyvagal perspective
- The relationship between vulnerability and sitting still with people who have experienced trauma
- How we can misunderstand the physiological state of someone’s facial expression and voice
- How our interactions and relationships affect our health
- Two major components of creating a stable, healthy relationship
Mentioned
- The Polyvagal Institute (website)
- Stephen Porges (website)
- Pick up Stephen's Book
- Integrated Listening
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast:https://www.marisatcohen.com/book.html
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today’s episode, I’m joined by Sherry Gaba, who has a clinical background with addiction and codependency, and we discuss where people get stuck with codependency. We talk about how problematic codependency can be and the loss of self that accompanies an unequal relationship.
She talks about codependency often involves an inability to control or abstain from compulsive behavior, why codependency affects females and males equally, and how the combination of narcissists and a codependent person can be particularly problematic.
Listen in to learn how trauma plays a role in codependency, why the healing starts with awareness, and how one can start connecting with themself.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist and life coach who helps people cope with codependency, addictions, trauma, and mental health issues. As a leading expert on addiction and recovery, Sherry’s TV appearances include: Vh1’s Celebrity Rehab, CNN, Inside Edition, the Robert Irvine Show, among others. Sherry is the author of the Amazon best seller Love Smacked: How to Stop the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency to Find Everlasting Love and Infinite Recovery which addresses addiction and alcoholism thru the lens of the law of attraction.
In this episode, Sherry Gaba and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- What codependency is and what it looks like
- The addiction aspect of codependency inside relationships
- The obsessive and compulsive tendencies with codependency
- How being a people pleaser can lead to codependency
- A lack of boundaries and saying yes to every request is a sign of codependency
- How repetition compulsion plays into codependency
- The dynamic between narcissism and codependency
- Types of history that can feed into codependency
- The role shame has to play in relationships
- Importance of asking yourself ‘who am I?’
- How resentment shows up in codependency
- Why you should say no and understand your personal and physical boundaries
Mentioned
- Visit Sherry Gaba on the web
- Wake Up Recovery Codependency Quiz
- Become a Member of Wake Up Recovery
- Sherry Gaba, LCSW and Author of Love Smacked: How to Stop the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency to find Everlasting Love * and Wake Up Recovery for Codependents
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast:https://www.marisatcohen.com/book.html
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today’s episode, I’m joined by Melissa Orlov, one of the foremost authorities on how ADHD impacts adult relationships. She gives insight on what problematic dynamics to look for in your relationship when one partner is affected by ADHD, how ADHD affects household responsibilities and the relationship connection.
She talks about why the non-ADHD partner takes on more responsibilities in a relationship, how the non-ADHD partner ends up assuming a parenting role in an adult relationship, and her structure for helping people manage their ADHD symptoms.
Listen in to learn how to create a more supportive environment for both partners, the importance of accepting and working with ADHD symptoms, and approaching a conversation without anger and blame.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
Melissa Orlov is the founder of ADHDmarriage.com, and author of two award-winning books on the impact of ADHD in relationships - The ADHD Effect on Marriage (2010) and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD (2014). She is considered one of the foremost authorities on the topic of how ADHD impacts adult relationships.
A marriage consultant, Melissa helps ADHD-affected couples from around the world re-balance their relationships and learn to thrive through her seminars, consulting and books. She also teaches marriage counselors and other professionals about effective marriage therapy for couples impacted by ADHD.
In this episode, Melissa Orlov and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- The different relationships dynamics that couples experience when one partner has ADHD
- How ADHD symptoms can easily be misinterpreted
- Chronic resentment be fallout with the non-ADHD partner when dynamics are strained
- Why ADHD symptomatic behaviors get in the way of being an adult partner
- The grief, hurt, and anger that results from broken promises of ADHD partner
- Suggestions on how to manage adult ADHD
- Why both partners need to participate in managing ADHD
- How shame can be translated into anger for the ADHD adult
- Examples of actions both partners can do to co-regulate their relationship
Mentioned
- Visit Melissa Orlov on the web
- Join Melissa’s Couples Seminar
- Listen in to Episode 51: How to Thrive with ADHD in Your Relationship
- The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps* (book) by Melissa Orlov
The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD* (book) by Melissa Orlov
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast:https://www.marisatcohen.com/book.html
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today’s episode, I’m joined by Dan Solin who helps us understand our conversations and interactions with others, as well as how to cultivate more happiness and positivity in our relationships.
He talks about gaining awareness around what can get activated during a discussion or activity within a relationship, growing your capacity for love, happiness, and fulfillment, and how to encourage your partner to move towards you and to become responsive.
Listen in to learn how to take advantage of shifting attack and criticism to more connections and why the more you empower the other person to talk about themselves, the healthier your relationship will be.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
Dan Solin is the author of the new book, Ask: How to Relate to Anyone. He is a New York Times bestselling author of the Smartest series of investing books and The Smartest Sales Book You’ll Ever Read.
Dan’s books have been widely praised by The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Library Journal, Vanguard co-founder John Bogle and many financial columnists, authors and others.
In this episode, Dan Solin and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Research-based principles for navigating relationships
- How our partners understand and translate our words in their mind with their filter
- How we can reverse-engineer positive relationships
- Why we need a basic understanding of neuropsychology and science
- The significance of empowering people to talk about themselves
- How reverse-engineering a relationship affect hormones in the body
- Improving poor communication in relationships
- Why you shouldn’t engage in negative behaviors when fighting
- The importance of sacrificing the spotlight to develop a relationship
- How to comment and pivot to enhance conversation in your relationship
- Why switching from telling to asking questions in a conversation is incredibly powerful in a conversation
Mentioned
- Visit Dan Solin on the web
- Ask: How To Relate To Anyone by Dan Solin*
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast:https://www.marisatcohen.com/book.html
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
- In today’s episode, I’m joined by Diana Richardson, who talks about the practice of conscience lovemaking. She speaks from the perspective of a heterosexual connection and notes that couples of any gender orientation can adapt these same practices and principles in their love life.
She talks about why you shouldn’t focus solely on the peak moments while lovemaking, the psychological and physical tension while having sex, and performance pressure. Rather, Diana explains the concept of feeling your body from the inside and connecting with your significant other with attention to the awareness of the subtleties.
Listen in to learn how Diana teaches couples to anchor themselves inside their own bodies, why we have lost the capacity to sense our bodies, and why the details of our feelings get lost in the search for bigger, more intense physical and emotional feelings.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
Diana Richardson, born in South Africa, is one of today’s leading authorities on human sexuality. Author of 8 books, including best selling “Tantric Sex for Men”, “The Heart of Tantric Sex” and “Tantric Orgasm for Women”. Her interest in the body prompted a personal exploration into the union of sex and meditation - the essence of Tantra. Since 1993, she and her partner host weeklong retreats for couples in tantric lovemaking in Europe.
In this episode, Diana Richardson and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
+ Why conscience lovemaking supports all couples who make love
+ Differences between conventional lovemaking and conscious lovemaking
+ How to be more present during lovemaking rather than being overly caught up in mental activity, especially about reaching a goal or certain perfomance
+ How using intensity to build up the energy can actually compress sexual intimacy
+ Why women need more warming up before sex
+ The process of anchoring inside your own body
+ Why it's important to re-evaluate and connect with your body
+ How you can extend your love bond for days by not peaking during sex
+ How to have more incredible experiences when you are connected with yourself and your significant other
Mentioned
+ Living Love
+ Inner Traditions
+ Love for Couples
+ Tantric Love (book) by Diana Richardson
+ Slow Sex (book) by Diana Richardson
+ Cool Sex: An Essential Young Adult Guide to Loving, Mindful Sex (book**)** by Diana Richardson
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast:https://www.marisatcohen.com/book.html
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today’s episode, I’m joined by Tracy Poizner, who talks about the different dynamics between a traditional family and a blended family. Many parents who are divorced and remarried have an expectation that the blended family will work seamlessly.
She talks about the common difficulties that couples experience when blending families and becoming a stepparent. She mentioned that when the parent and stepparent have a new child that it can feel like a betrayal. Most times, kids don’t have enough security in their relationship with their stepparent that they are OK with a new child coming into the mix.
Listen in to learn why the parent and child relationship has to come before the marriage in a blended family, why you need to make different choices for a blended family, and why you need to consider previous household boundaries when creating rules for the new blended family.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
Tracy Poizner is a parenting coach and the host of the Essential Stepmom Podcast. She is a biological mom and a stepmom and has been through it all, from long-distance parenting to parental alienation, legal difficulties, mental health issues, loss of contact and full-time custody. Tracy has a special perspective on emotional healing and how to meet our personal needs as stepmoms in the everyday chaos of this challenging lifestyle.
In this episode, Tracy Poizner and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- The biggest mistake of expecting a blended family to function like a traditional family
- Why it takes up to seven years for blended families to feel really at home together
- How dads often misunderstand their spouses role and how they are going to help parent
- How guilt of divorce can affect how you parent your children
- Parenting authentically and effectively in spite of your feelings
- Why children in a blended family can destroy a second marriage
- The challenges of making different choices in blended families
- Simple gestures blended families can make to create better bonding between the new family members
- The importance of respecting previous boundaries in the former household
- Why kids needs are first in line before spousal need with biological children
- How stepmoms can feel in competition with the kids for attention
Mentioned
- Essentials Stepmom
- Join Essential Stepmoms on Facebook
- Follow Essential Stepmoms on Instagram
- Tweet with Essential Stepmoms on Twitter
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast:https://www.marisatcohen.com/book.html
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today’s episode, I’m joined by Dr. Marisa T. Cohen, relationship coach, and researcher. We talk about how the influence of social media on couples can be damaging to their relationship. Marisa points out how different aspects of using social media can make couples feel disengaged with each other.
She talks about how social media usage can increase jealousy in relationships and how individuals turn toward social media to create fulfillment where they feel an emotional void. Marisa talks about the social comparisons that affect relationships and the “unreality” of social media feeds.
Listen in to learn why understanding what you value in a relationship is essential to invest in what’s most meaningful in life and how you can start a conversation about social media with your partner.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
Dr. Marisa T. Cohen is a relationship coach, relationship researcher, and teaches college-level psychology courses. She is the author of From First Kiss to Forever: A Scientific Approach to Love, a book that relates relationship science research to everyday experiences and real relationship issues confronted by couples. She is also the author of Finding Love: The Scientific Take, a Psychology Today blog and Love Lessons, a Long Island Weekly newspaper column.
In this episode, Dr. Marisa T. Cohen and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How comparison to other couples on the internet can lead toward shame or inadequacy
- The influence of social media on couple satisfaction
- When social media becomes a pain point in a relationship
- Higher levels of Facebook use are associated with negative relationship outcomes
- Why you shouldn’t apply your reality to a social media feed reality
- Understanding what you value in your relationship is important for relationship success
- Why working through arguments and disagreements helps build new understandings and can lead to a stronger relationship and more intimacy
- Recommendations on how you can have a conversation about social media with your partner
- Conversation pointers to use when having a constructive conversation
- Non-verbal communication mismatches that can lead to relationship conflict
- Why you need to take your ex-partner off your social media feed
Mentioned
- Finding Love: The Scientific Take
- Love Lessons, a Long Island Weekly Newspaper Column
- Visit Dr. Cohen on the web
Dr. Marisa T. Cohen books:
From First Kiss to Forever: A Scientific Approach to Love, a book that relates relationship science research to everyday experiences and real relationship issues confronted by couples
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast:https://www.marisatcohen.com/book.html
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today’s episode, I discuss the importance of prioritizing safety in relationship. If we do not feel safe, we will have a very difficult time being open and available for connection and intimacy.
Dr. Stephen Porges, pioneering researcher and developer of Polyvagal Theory, reminds us that passion without safety leads to conflict and sometime violence, and it is very difficult to sustain long-lasting intimacy if you do not with safe with your significant other.
Our nervous systems are always evaluating for danger and threats. If we are mobilizing (trying to deal with a threat) through fight or flight, we are not available for intimacy and closeness. Or if we are immobilized (shut down) to a threat, we will not be receptive or have the capacity for bonding and connection.
Therefore, we need to feel safe in relationship, so that our nervous systems can function in the social engagement system, which allows us to be responsive to intimacy and connection.
Physiologically, we are always co-regulating with the people around us...picking up on cues of safety and/or threats. In relationship, we have the opportunity to reciprocally engage with one another to help regulate, balance and comfort one another.
In relationship, it is common to get off track, but it is essential to know how to get back on track. Listen to the episode to learn more.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- How romance and long-lasting intimacy require safety.
- Passion without safety often results in conflict and sometimes violence.
- The importance of safety can be confusing when we have known trauma, chaos, loss and pain within relationship and/or early childhood experiences.
- More effort and time will not resolve problematic dynamics.
- We need to create safety first, so that our nervous systems can be available for connection and closeness.
- The three neural circuits in our nervous system.
- What co-regulation is and how we benefit from it.
- Ideally, we want to have reciprocal, safe, engaged interactions with the people closest to us.
- In relationship, we have the opportunity to help regulate and balance each other, which leads to more stability overall.
- Recognizing the cues we send and receive in relationship that signal safety, connection.
- Through our vocal prosody, facial expressions (eyes, forehead, mouth), breathing and touch, we can convey affection, comfort, reassurance and safety.
- When planning a date, it can be helpful to incorporate restorative activities that help provide more safety, which in turn supports the nervous system to enter into the social engagement system, so that we can be more open and available for connection and intimacy.
Mentioned
- Dr, Stephen Porges (website)
- The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory: The Transformative Power of Feeling Safe (book)*
- Restorative Practices of Wellbeing: A Compendium of Restorative Practices (book)*
- Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication – Free Guide
- ERP 036: HOW TO OFFER THE GIFT OF LISTENING (podcast)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today’s episode, I’m joined by Susan Anderson as we discuss primal abandonment and what brought Susan to this topic. Learn why abandonment is a cumulative wound that can be triggered well into adulthood.
She talks about the process of shattering and why this is a primal fear that lurks in our minds, and why it’s normal to have abandonment fear from the time of birth. We start with this conditioning at birth with primal abandonment, the universal feeling of disconnect or not being worthy of connection.
Susan talks about the different types of abandonment and which life events can trigger or cause the feeling of primal abandonment within ourselves. She also speaks about how abandonment patterns can show up in choosing a partner who is emotionally and physically unavailable in adulthood.
Listen in to learn why people are motivated to feel connected, the spectrum of abandonment, and why people who experience childhood abandonment will experience a more challenging time when a relationship dissolves.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
Susan Anderson has devoted more than 30 years of clinical experience and groundbreaking research in working with victims of abandonment trauma. Founder of the Abandonment Recovery movement, she is the author of four books including Journey from Abandonment to Healing, Taming Your Outer Child, Black Swan: Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery and The Abandonment Recovery Workbook.**
In this episode, Susan Anderson and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How her husband leaving after an 18-year relationship brought her to specialize in abandonment issues
- Why abandonment is the primal issue that we share as humans
- Separation anxiety as a normalized emotional feeling
- The positive side effects of abandonment
- The human spectrum of emotional abandonment
- Coping with childhood abandonment as an adult
- How abandonment triggers accumulate as a larger emotional wound
- The unconscious feeling of primal shame that comes with abandonment
- What the process of abandonment recovery looks like
- How you get to become the parent you never had growing up
Mentioned
- Abandonment
- Outer Child
Susan Anderso’s books:
The Abandonment Recovery Workbook*
Journey from Abandonment to Healing*
Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Healing from Abandonment*
Black Swan: The Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery*
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today’s episode, I’m joined by Ian Kerner. We discuss the effects of pornography on sexual health, why Ian became depressed about his personal sexuality, and how his sexual anxieties impacted his early relationships.
He talks about his own battles with erectile unpredictability, how he grew up in a sex-invasive environment, and why he suffered from chronic early ejaculation as a young man.
Ian talks about the importance of working with a sex therapist when a couple is challenged with sexual concerns. It can be extremely helpful in understanding sexual research and science to offer validation and direction.
Listen in to learn how critical it is to have a safe space to explore vulnerable emotions and all that is involved within our experience sexually (i.e. physically, emotionally, culturally, socially, mentally, etc).
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
Ian Kerner is a nationally-recognized sex therapist and New York Times bestselling author of numerous books, including, She Comes First, which has been translated into more than a dozen languages. Ian is regularly quoted as an expert in various media, with recent features in The Atlantic, the Economist and NPR amongst others and he contributes regularly on the topic of sex for CNN. He teaches and supervises at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy in NYC. His new book will be published by Grand Central Publishing later this year.
In this episode, Ian Kerner and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How anxiety can greatly influence our experience around sex
- Where couples commonly have issues around sex
- The psychological component of erectile unpredictability
- Differences in sexual issues based on gender
- Why women experience an orgasm gap
- The shame associated with the topic of sex
- Negative effects of an idiosyncratic masturbatory style
- How people can exile their sexuality in a relationship
- Why the essence of sex is also about being turned off as well as turned on
Mentioned
- Ian Kerner (website)
- She Comes First (book)
Connect with Ian Kerner
Join Ian Kerner on the web
Pick up a copy of She Comes First
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today’s episode, I’m joined by Helen Mia Harris, and we discuss the love addiction phenomenon. This complex and pervasive problem can lead to an overwhelming love withdrawal experience, lovesickness, depression, and anxiety.
She talks about her experience with love addiction, why love addiction is based on personal trauma, and why she has dedicated her life to helping others who experience this phenomenon.
Helen explains that the person who has the anxious attachment issue often has a propensity towards love addiction. She also talks about the difference between the need for love for a love addict in a relationship and the desire for infatuation.
Listen in to learn why people use an external source to validate themselves as individuals, how a love addict finds a need to survive within the relationship, and the signs of love addiction.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
Helen Mia Harris is the creator of the Love Addiction, Codependency, and Heartbreak Recovery Programme. Several years ago, Helen experienced first-hand this affliction of the heart, when we love too much and experienced the grief-like symptoms of unrequited love, loss, and emotional trauma which inspired her to create the programme. Love addiction is a phenomenon that is recognised as a pervasive and complex problem. This can lead to an overwhelming experience of love withdrawal, lovesickness, depression, and anxiety.
In this episode, Helen Mia Harris and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How love and drugs are a panacea against emptiness
- The link between emotional trauma and love addiction
- The effects of filling a void in your life with a relationship
- How emotional attachment bonds work when relationship equilibrium is unbalanced
- Why intermittent attention reinforcement is stronger than other types of reinforcement
- Crushes or infatuation do not equate to love addiction
- The signs of love addiction
- When the pain of the love addict gets activated
- Limerence as a feature of love addiction
Mentioned
- Loving Too Much (website)
- Love and Addiction by Stanton Peele
- Hold Me Tight Workshop (online program)
- Wuthering Heights a novel by Emily Brontë
Connect with Helen Mia Harris
Loving Too Much
enquiries@helenmiaharris.com
Helen Mia Harris
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
In today’s episode, I’m joined by Lindsey Ellison, and we discuss the ways we cope with trauma and pain. We all have pain points, and it is important to understand the origins of our pain points and why we are addicted to the pain itself.
She talks about her personal battle with alcoholism, why she had a breakdown, and how she decided to take the next treatment step. Lindsey speaks about her journey with deep trauma work, her experience with relationship death, and how she previously diminished her pain.
Trauma+fear+wounds=addiction is the formula that we are often working with. Lindsey helps us understand how this process plays out in our lives. Our fear and trauma fuel our addictions without even being aware of their presence.
Listen in to learn about why it is critical to look closely and deeply at our pain and what it is teaching us about our underlying needs, our inner-child work, and our unresolved trauma.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
Lindsey Ellison is a relationship coach and founder of Start Over Coaching, Inc., a coaching practice dedicated to helping people navigate their divorce or break up. Lindsey also specializes in helping people break free from narcissistic abuse, and is the author of the best selling book, MAGIC Words: How to Get What You Want from a Narcissist. You can find Lindsey on her popular podcast, Unbreakable You: Breakup Without Being Broken.
In this episode, Lindsey and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Why we are addicted to the pain in our relationship
- How we form habits to deal with the source of our pain
- The factors of co-dependency and how this affects who you are
- How Lindsey created her blueprint of pain
- The role of defense mechanisms in adulthood
- How our trauma feeds into the fear cycle
- The adult child and how we use habits to maintain our fear and trauma
- What Lindsey learned around her deeper need for trauma and fear
- How to manage the pain of your inner child daily
- Triggers and why we need to avoid them
- Why we need to give attention to, not judge, our wounds
- How the little “t’s” affect your emotional health over time
- The process of finding out the “I am nots” and how to overcome these false beliefs and triggers
Mentioned:
-
Hold Me Tight the book
-
Hold Me Tight Workshop
Connect with Lindsey Ellisen
-
Magic Words: How to Get What You Want from a Narcissist
-
Lindsey Ellisen on the web
- Magic Words workbook
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
Get access to my new group coaching starting in January. Sign up today!
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
In today’s episode, I’m joined by Michael McPherson as we chat about how to develop sexual energy and sexual intimacy beyond the typical immature and limited notions we live within.
Michael talked about how common it is for people to grow up in environments where sex and conversations about sex are taboo. He addressed how much shame people typically feel around sex and their sexual energy, as well as how misinformed people are based on the distorted images they get from various forms of media.
Michael’s mission is to help people expand their understanding about sexual energy and sexual intimacy as well as increasing their comfortability in talking about their sexuality.
Michael talked about his healing journey with the use of plant medicine, Ayahuasca ceremony, and the love and connection with his beloved. He shares some of his practices and principles with us that have contributed to his integration and transformation.
Listen in to find out how sexual energy can be used for activities other than sex, why our sexuality is mixed in with all our life experiences, how men can hide behind their sexuality, and how he took responsibility for his past actions and somatically healed.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
Michael McPherson is the author of Everything You Never Learned About Sex: Take Back Your Masculine Power & Use Your Sex Energy For Good, co-founder of KAKAO Ceremonial Drinking Chocolate, a non-profit devoted to saving native stains of cacao and making ceremonial-grade cacao available to the Western world, and co-founder of KAPU, a community app for light workers to share their heart-centered gifts, services, and wisdom in a safe and sacred space.
In this episode, Michael and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How pornography impacts our ideas about sex and can warp our perspective on sexual intimacy
- Why men can get away with hiding behind their sexuality in society
- How males cover their emotional wounds and hurt with sex
- Infatuation and the thrill of the chase is a large percent of our relational experience
- How plant medicine and ceremonies can support healing from emotional turmoil and pain
- The difference between sex energy and sexuality
- How sexual energy is amplified in couplehood and how to work with intention setting together
- How to use sexual energy to open your heart
- The process by which we can start to identify sexual energy in our body
- How to deepen your own intimacy with your beloved through your individual practice
Mentioned:
- Everything You Never Learned About Sex: Take Back Your Masculine Power & Use Your Sex Energy For Good (book) By Michael McPherson
- KAKAO Ceremonial Drinking Chocolate (website)
-
ERP 071: How To Use Sexual Energy To Improve Your Health & Relationship - With Sarina Stone - Jessica Higgins
-
ERP 246: How to Deepen Your Connection Through the Power of Ritual - An Interview with William Ayot
Connect with Michael McPherson
https://www.michaelmcpherson.co/
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
Get access to my new group coaching starting in January. Sign up today!
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
In today’s episode, we will take a look at negotiating with your significant other when you have a conflict. My interview with Juliet Grayson will delve into how she works with couples to navigate intimacy and find a win-win relationship.
She started her journey as a young child in therapy with the UK NLP Therapy Association Chair. Juliet was intrigued by the association and decided to sign up for a course. She decided to take the entire course six times to embody thinking, which changed her perspective and life.
Having experienced couples therapy with her husband, she decided to venture into the couples therapy treatment realm. Now trained as a couples therapist, she had her first couples client and quickly realized that this vertical wasn’t the same as individual therapy. At this point, she decided to take on a two-year training divided into a year training on sex and the other year on relationships. Juliet currently works primarily with couples who are experiencing sexual problems.
Juliet and I talk about the importance of taking a break in a conversation when one partner is triggered and why having the ability to step away from an argument that is getting heated is a positive action to take to move your relationship forward.
Listen in to find out why every communication is a negotiation, what couples need to do to have the ability to negotiate, the distinction between first and second position with NLP, and the most useful model for couples to move through negotiation.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
Juliet Grayson is a UKCP Reg psychosexual therapist working in the UK. She & her team run a six modular course, now online, on "How to Work With Couples for Therapists Who Usually Work One to One”. She also runs online personal development groups using the Pesso Boyden System of Psychotherapy. Her book, “Landscapes of the Heart: The working world of a sex and relationship therapist” gives a ‘fly on the wall’ perspective on couples therapy.
In this episode, Juliett and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How couples are not good negotiators
- Prerequisites to starting the negotiating process in a couples relationship
- The importance of knowing what you want for yourself
- Why it’s important for a couple to brainstorm to solve a problem
- How to separate the problem from the people
- The types of concessions a partner can offer inside a relationship
- How second position is different from first position
- Why it’s important to understand the other’s motivation for their actions
- Elements necessary to have the ability to speak from each position in negotiation.
- The importance of negotiating with generosity and positivity towards your partner
- How a partner can get “unstuck” in winning at the expense of the relationship
Mentioned:
- Landscapes of the Heart: The working world of a sex and relationship therapist (book)
- Landscape of the Heart (website)
- Couples Therapy and Counseling (website)
- Interview with William Ayot, Deepening Your Connection Through the Power of Ritual (podcast)
Connect with Juliet Grayson
To join her emailing list https://therapyandcounselling.co.uk/sign-up-for-info/
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/Juliett.grayson.9/
www.sexuallyinappropriatebehaviour.org
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
Get access to my new group coaching starting in January. Sign up today!
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
With modern day life, it is easy to get wrapped up in outside distractions and at times even turn towards these distractions as a way to avoid discomfort and pain. However, in the process of turning towards outside distractions (i.e. news, entertainment, phones, social media, etc), we are turning AWAY from our partner.
Research helps us understand that how responsive partners are to each other is one of the biggest predictors of lasting relationship. Couples who turn towards each other have increased levels of trust, relationship satisfaction, passion and lovemaking.
During this holiday season, and on the tail end of such a stressful year of 2020, what if you put your efforts into one of the most potent and powerful ways of creating connection by increasing the amount of times you turn towards your partner?
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- What does "turning towards" your partner mean?
- How small interactions between partners often leads to the overall sentiment of the relationship (either positive or negative).
- The responsiveness rate of happy couples versus responsiveness rate of unhappy couples.
- The difference between simple "bids" and complex "bids."
- How "turning away" creates disconnect and disengagement and how "turning against" creates conflict, as well as possibility for engagement and repair.
- The damage of dismissing bids and the negative outcomes on relationship.
- How to increase the rate of responsiveness with our significant other
- Examples of specific ways of responding to our partner's bids and turning towards them.
- Check out this free guide to get 25 examples of turning towards your partner: 25 Days to Strengthening Your Love Through Kindness
- Check out this article to see Dr. John Gottman's list of minor bids for emotional connection (scroll to see the blue graphic).
Mentioned:
- FREE guide: 25 Days to Strengthening Your Love Through Kindness
- ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love (podcast)
- ERP 128: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love - Part Two (podcast)
- ERP 129: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love - Part Three (podcast)
- ERP 130: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love - Part Four (podcast)
- ERP 131: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love - Part Five (podcast)
- The Gottman Institute (website)
- Dr. Susan Johnson (website)
- Turn Towards Instead Of Away, By Zach Brittle LMHC (article)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
Get access to my new group coaching starting in January. Sign up today!
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
William Ayot has worked in personal development and organizational settings, using poetry and the arts to teach worldwide. He speaks about his emotional state at the age of 30, being clinically depressed, not finding any joy in relationships, and he then “fell into a hole.” William was able to climb out of his hole by doing ritual work and discovering the world of personal development.
Working with groups of Shamans who used rituals in a very particular way. “I was fascinated, and this began to help me in my personal process.” After completing a ritual for the atonement of the feminine, William met a woman whom he fell in love with and is still in a relationship with to this day, over two decades later. He then realized that ritual work was also applicable to people in relationships. From here, he found himself working for individuals and groups, teaching them the process and value of ritual.
When working with couples, William will design and create a ritual for the couple to practice. This helps to know people’s spirituality, what they need when interfacing with each other, and the sacred world. He strives to meet people where they are most present and connected in their lives and the world. At this point, he creates rituals that initiate change.
Listen in to find out why rituals are a way of creating an image to send a message to the soul, how rituals are a critical part of our intention-setting and co-creating and why rituals can tie up loose ends with our sense of lack in the current environment.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
William Ayot is an award-winning poet, author, teacher and ritualist. Over three decades, he has worked in personal development and organizational settings, using poetry and the arts to teach around the world. William creates rituals for individuals and groups in his purpose-built ritual garden in Monmouthshire, Wales. He has published four collections of poetry, a prose book on ritual, and is currently writing a book for and about men in a time of epochal change.
In this episode, William and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How to co-create rewarding, lasting relationships
- How rituals can be transformative for both individuals and couples
- Knowing a person’s spirituality before creating or prescribing a ritual for them is important
- How rituals are a way of creating an image to send a message to the soul
“The soul doesn’t deal in data or numbers. It deals in pictures and images.”
William Ayot
- Why we are cutting off from a deep and profound part of ourselves by disregarding ritual in our life
- Why we are giving our partner a gift when we use ritual in our lives
- What William encourages us to do to feel more connected in the world
- How to conduct rituals safely with the intended best effect
- The five basic stages of a ritual and the importance of closing the ritual down before leaving
- Why ritual is as important for men as it is for women
“Rituals are a unique way for a human being to give a message to their psyche or their soul.”
William Ayot
Poem, by William Ayot It Turns and Softly Speaks
Night after night the empty road, the home-light diminishing then vanishing as you travel out into the world again, hungry for a love that you can never allow.
If only you could pause for a moment, look down at your feet and not at the horizon, you might spot the small grey pebble of love lying discarded where you flung it as a child.
What was the hurt that made you a loner? How did the wondrous gift become a wound? You’re alone. You’re still giving but you’re giving from an exhausted place. Listen to the call of love: admit, accept, receive.
© William Ayot
Mentioned:
- Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication – Free Guide
- Re Enchanting the Forest: Meaningful Ritual in a Secular World
Connect with William Ayot
Visit William on the web
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
Get access to my new group coaching starting in January. Sign up today!
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Richard Bolstad has devoted his time to running workshops with his wife Julia and has authored many books on coaching and cooperative relationships. In this episode, we talk about how he became interested in couples therapy, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, and how this type of process can become a “User’s Manual for the brain.” We not only discuss NLP in detail but give vital examples of the elements of NLP.
He speaks about connection cues and why these are more important than conflict cues, and how connection cues turn into bids for a partner’s attention. Partners who pick up on this bid for attention connect and build rapport within the relationship. Breathing, body positions, and brain waves start to synchronize between the couple. When one partner ignores the other partner’s bid for attention, the relationship can start to break.
Couples aren’t willing to do the work until they feel like they are heard and seen. This process builds goodwill and reinforces their bond. Unless these components are part of a relationship, it’s hard to find a significant bond between two people.
Listen in to our conversation about the Japanese cultural art of Aikido is used as a metaphor for building relationships and aligning with someone else, the importance of self-soothing, and how partners can have negative responses toward each other during a conversation.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
A member of the New Zealand Association of Psychotherapists, Richard runs training world-wide, both singly and with his wife, Julia Kurusheva. He is the author of many books on NLP, coaching, and cooperative relationships, published in 10 languages, including Transforming Communication and The Rapport Based Family. Instructors teach his “Transforming Communication” cooperative relationships course in more than 14 languages. Richard also runs training on conflict resolution in war zones and after major disaster events.
In this episode, Richard and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How NLP can be used to guide couples relationships
- Examples of NLP framework in action
- Why cues and bids for attention are important inside a relationship
- How to people can build rapport amongst each other
- The physical effects building rapport causes inside a relationship
- Engines that drive the verbal and nonverbal responses towards a partner
“What people usually call thinking is made up of the things they picture visually inside their head, what they say to themselves and listen to, and what they pay attention to.” By Richard Bolstad
- How to enrich your couples experience by paying attention to your inputs
- The ability and exercise of how to create an emotional anchor for yourself
- Differences in sensory systems between two people
- How to reinforce the bond between you and your partner
“Instead of manipulating or doing things to influence someone else, find elements that will co-create a relationship.” By Richard Bolstad
Mentioned:
- Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication – Free Guide
- Find a mediator online
- Dr. Susan Johnson
- The Gottman Institute
- Virginia Satir
- Pick up Richard’s The Rapport Based Family
- ERP 217: How to Deal with Stonewalling in Your Relationship
Connect with Richard Bolstad
Visit Richard on the web
Find out more about Neurolinguistic Programming
Richard Bolstad on Linkedin
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Angela shares her stance on what divorce does to a child’s development, as well as looking at how a divorce is handled before, during and after can determine how much it impacts a child down the road. She discusses the indicators that childhood divorce has affected someone and how it can manifest. Angela also talks about ways to identify if divorce may be affecting your relationships in adulthood.
Listen, as Angela describes what is a “healthy” relationship and how to determine what is real and what isn’t when it comes to happiness in your relationships. Angela believes you can break free of past unhappy relationships and move forward with clarity to find what you are looking for. How you see yourself isn’t always how others see you, so Angela shares some tips to help you bridge the gap.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
Angela Cusimano is a psychologist and personal coach with decades of experience working with kids, families, and trauma survivors. As a way to connect with more people outside of the therapy room, she has started a coaching program for childhood divorce survivors who struggle with self-love, self-sabotage, and difficulties in their partnerships.
She has published two books: one for families going through the divorce process and a book for parents who want to safely raise their teens in the digital age.
In this episode, Dr. Angela Cusimano and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Angela’s stance on what divorce does to children’s development.
- Some indicators that childhood divorce has affected a person, like self-sabotage and relationship sabotage.
- Learning how to identify that divorce may have affected intimacy and relationships in adulthood.
- How divorce is handled can influence how much children are impacted down the road.
- What a “healthy” relationship can look like.
- Happiness in relationships: what is real and what isn’t.
- Breaking free of a past of unhappy relationships and moving forward with possibility.
Tweetables
“We all grow up with this idea of normal.” Angela Cusimano PhD
“The first step is making the connection between the present and the past.” Angela Cusimano PhD
“The conflict between parents is more psychologically damaging than the divorce itself.” Angela Cusimano PhD
“Happy couples do fight.” Angela Cusimano PhD
“There are two sides to your story.” Angela Cusimano PhD
Mentioned:
- Crash Course for Divorce: How to Make a Difficult Road Easier to Navigate by Angela Cusimano PhD
- Raising Teens in the Digital Age: How to Connect, Understand, and Keep Them Safe, by Angela Cusimano PhD
- Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication - a free gift for listeners.
Connect with Angela Cusimano
Visit Angela on the web
Facebook: facebook.com/changethetidecoaching
Instagram: instagram.com/changethetidecoaching
Pinterest: pinterest.com/changethetidecoaching
Email Angela
Angela’s upcoming programs
For a free childhood divorce survivor journal
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic, you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Kenneth Cloke talks about how the language we use, the stories we tell, and how we approach our conflicts often have the outcome of making them worse and destroying our relationships. He talks about how to avoid using certain verbiage, so that our partners aren’t triggered to counter-attack. Listen in to our conversation where Ken talks about creating a pivot point in your conversation and having a better outcome and solution with the relational conversation that includes both members of a partnership.
Kenneth Cloke has devoted much of his career to supporting people in the various negotiation conflict areas and resolving conflict. After a brutal divorce experience and reflection of how he could have handled his personal situation better, Ken was inspired to help others move through their conflict and teach how we can learn and use our own tools to avoid conflict before it starts.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
Kenneth Cloke is a mediator, arbitrator, coach, consultant, and trainer, specializing in resolving complex multi-party disputes, including transnational, marital, divorce, family, grievance, workplace disputes, organizational, and public policy, and school conflicts, and designing preventative conflict resolution systems. He has worked in over 25 countries and is the founder and first President of Mediators Beyond Borders. He has published 15 books on conflict resolution, recently The Crossroads of Conflict and Politics, Dialogue, and the Evolution of Democracy.
In this episode, Kenneth Cloke and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How to see conflicts differently, as well as how to recognize the source of most of our conflicts.
- The importance of looking at the language we use, the stories we tell and the approaches we use that either bring resolution or communication break-down.
- Identifying the specific words that lead to conflict and destructive cycles in relationship.
- Learn new language and new questions to ask that create understanding, clear communication and productive outcomes in relationship.
- What are the questions we are asking ourselves in every interaction to gauge how safe we are in the relationship.
- What makes someone an ally versus a threat in relationship.
- How vulnerable we are within our intimate relationships, what is at stake and and the risks involved.
- Learn ways to generate solutions, strengthen relationships and deepen intimacy in communication.
Tweetables
“I became interested in how to introduce conversations and design them that would help people actually talk through their problems with each other.”
Kenneth Cloke
“Over the course of the past 40 years I’ve been immersed in working with people to get to places in which they see their conflicts completely differently.”
Kenneth Cloke
“The language we use, the stories we tell and the way we approach our conflicts often has the outcome of making them worse and destroying our relationships.”
Kenneth Cloke
“If you use the word ‘you’ in connection with something negative, the form of that pronoun is an accusation.”
Kenneth Cloke
“Relationships are at stake in every conversation.”
Kenneth Cloke
Mentioned:
- The Crossroads of Conflict: A Journey into the Heart of Dispute Resolution by Kenneth Cloke
- The Dance of Opposites: Explorations in Mediation, Dialogue and Conflict Resolution Systems by Kenneth Cloke
- Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication – Free Guide
- Find a mediator online
Connect with Kenneth Cloke
Visit Kenneth on the web
Pick up one of Kenneth’s relationship books
Find out more about Kenneth’s trainings he offers
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Suppose you're with an emotionally unavailable partner. In that case, you'll find that you can feel emotionally destabilized at times, that your partner is keeping you at arm's length. You might find that you can't talk deeply about the relationship itself and about what you need and what you want and especially where the two of you as a couple are headed in the future.
In this episode, I talk with Ryan Haddon, a certified Life, and Spiritual Coach, Hypnotherapist, and certified Meditation teacher. She and I discuss how a person with narcissistic tendencies can emotionally keep you at bay and what you can do to shift your focus if you find yourself in one of these types of relationships.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
Ryan Haddon is a certified Life and Spiritual Coach, Hypnotherapist, and certified Meditation teacher with over 16 years of experience with clients worldwide. A sought-after public speaker for corporate retreats and wellness events, Ryan does private workshops such as “Stepping Into Your Purpose,” “The Work/Life Balance,” and “Finding Your Center.” Ryan was a keynote speaker for Visionary Women’s 2020 virtual event and a featured speaker at CAA’s 2020 global wellness event. She’s also the in-house Life Coach at Kourtney Kardashian’s website Poosh, where she writes mind/body/spirit articles.
In this episode, Ryan Haddon and I discuss:
- Why you feel unsafe in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner.
- What does emotional unavailability look like in a partner?
- Reasons why people are emotionally unavailable.
- Why you feel lonely, unvalidated and rejected with a partner that’s emotionally unavailable.
- The checklist of behaviors that emotionally unavailable people tend to display.
- Why it can feel like you are doing all the heavy lifting inside your relationship.
- How to figure out what you can do to break the pattern of dating emotionally unavailable people.
Tweetables
“If you’re in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable, you’re most likely feeling destabilized at all times.”
Ryan Haddon
“When you enter into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person you’ll feel like you’re not safe.”
Ryan Haddon
“Knowing that they can’t give you more than they are and if you manage to get past go, your relationship might be well underway and you might feel like you’re dancing all the time, constantly taking their emotional temperature.
Ryan Haddon
“Emotional unavailability is a good term to describe when you’re with someone who is always setting the terms, withdrawing physically and emotionally when you get too close, probably because they’re afraid to be vulnerable.”
Ryan Haddon
“It feels that one sidedness that you are always having to accept that they’re not really needing you in that same playing field that you want to be in.”
Ryan Haddon
Mentioned:
Get your free guide Relationship Map to Happy Lasting Love Free Guide
Listen to the podcast episode How To Deal With Fears Of Intimacy
How To Deal With Fears Of Intimacy - Part Two of the podcast series
Connect with Ryan Haddon
Visit Ryan on the web
Chat with Ryan on Instagram
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Have you sat down to dinner with your partner only to find them on their cell phone most of your time together? Does your significant other consistently bring their computer into the bedroom, and you have a feeling of being dismissed?
In this episode, I talk with Dr. Lori about the damaging effects of digital devices on relationships. Whether you are interacting with family, friends, or a partner, spending an excessive amount of time and avoiding others instead of interacting with them one-on-one can cause mistrust, a feeling of neglect, and displace couple intimacy.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
Bio:
With over 25 years of experience, Dr. Lori has worked with thousands of clients, both domestic and internationally. Through her countless hours of research, Dr. Lori’s commitment to helping businesses, families, and individuals overcome the problems created by device usage. Her book, The Effects of Texting on Marital Relationships, offers a poignant data-packed critique on texting within marriage, including its often negative impact.
In addition to working one-on-one with clients, Dr. Lori advises businesses on the operational effects of over-connected employees, managing technology, distractions in the workplace, and driving employee productivity.
In this episode, Dr. Lori Whatley and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How device usage can create challenges in relationships.
- How overuse of technology affects our levels of anxiety, quality of sleep and creates depression.
- Learn how human contact and in-person interactions affect our mood and brain chemistry.
- Why it takes up to 25 minutes for us to refocus after a digital distraction.
- How the amount of digital device usage can cut down on quality family and relationship time.
- How boundaries and rules can help couples resolve issues with overuse of digital time.
- How to deal with concerns of device addiction, jealousy and different ways of approaching social media in relationships.
Listen in to find out why it's important that we learn to balance our digital devices as a society, the red flags of using too much daily technology, and how digital devices affect our focus. Learn why our attention span is shorter now than ever, how technology can be used as a tool for avoidance in a relationship, and how the overuse of a digital device can create distrust.
“Everyday as I was working with couples, digital devices came up in our sessions.” by Dr. Lori Whatley
“The world needs to know how we are effected relationally and individually by our digital device issues.” by Dr. Lori Whatley
“The effect of technology is truly like another woman or another man in the relationship.” by Dr. Lori Whatley
“A “like” on social media is not the same as love in person.” by Dr. Lori Whatley
“Sometimes people fill their life and their hours up with their social media world and then they have no time left for in-person connection .” by Dr. Lori Whatley
Mentioned:
Connected and Engaged by Dr. Lori Whatley
The Effects of Texting on Marital Relationships By Dr. Lori Whatley
Family Assessment on Dr. Lori Whatley's website
ERP 011: How Technological Impacts Our Relationship
Connect with Dr. Lori Whatley
Dr. Whatley on the web
Get great information on her blog
Check out her new book Connected & Engaged
Read The Effects of Texting on the Marital Relationship
Visit with Dr. Whatley on Instagram
Chat with Dr. Whatley on Facebook
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Bio:
Chris Seiter, the founder of Ex Boyfriend Recovery and Ex Girlfriend Recovery has been helping thousands of broken hearted individuals win their exes back for over a decade.
Implementing the very creative "no contact rule," which shuts down communication between exes for a certain period of time such in order to create space for each partner allows for healing, self recovery, and an opportunity for both of you to potentially come back together as a couple, which Chris believes is the key to long lasting success.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Chris Seiter and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How going through a break-up can be fertile ground for self-development and self-discovery.
- What happens when we do not have closure or time to process insights and understandings.
- How to use tactical empathy to address other's objections to move through resistance.
- What to focus on when communicating (and not through text).
- How to get in the right space emotionally.
- The importance of giving adequate time, space and distance to reflect.
- How to keep the end goal in mind and work towards creating a better relationship.
“It is not about your ex, it is about you.” by Chris Seiter
Mentioned:
- Ex Boyfriend Recovery (website)
- Ex Girlfriend Recovery (website)
- Ex Boyfriend Recovery (podcast)
- Ex Girlfriend Recovery (podcast)
- Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication – Free Guide
Connect with Chris Seiter
Websites:
www.exboyfriendrecovery.com
www.exgirlfriendrecovery.com
Facebook: facebook.com/OfficialExBoyfriendRecovery/
Youtube: Chris Seiter
Podcasts: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/podcasts/
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Bio:
Sarrah Rose is the founder of the tantric sex coaching platform Tantric Activation. She developed her coaching techniques by studying tantra, mixing in evolutionary biology, and adapting the method for practical use in the modern world.
Sarrah was trained in the tantra method in India. She then earned her certification as a Sex, Love and Relationship Coach from the Tantra Institute of Integrated Sexuality.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Sarrah Rose and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How to use your sexual energy in a conscious way rather than being controlled by it.
- Becoming more aware of your patterns, shadow work, so that you can be more aligned in your mind, heart and sexuality.
- How your breath, sound, movement and focus helps you integrate the flow of energy throughout your body.
- How to deal with challenges, like performance anxiety, fear of rejection, and being shutdown or closed off to sex.
- How we train our body away from human physical touch when we use vibrators and porn.
- Why couples stop having sex and what is critical to know about the 3 stages of love.
“For thousands of years, women have had to choose whether they were going to be accepted by society or express their sexuality.” by Sarrah Rose
Mentioned:
- Tantric Activation Sarrah Rose (website)
- Helen Fisher (website)
- Allison Armstrong (website)
- Relationship Map to Happy Lasting Love Free Guide
Connect with Sarrah Rose
Website: Tantric Activation
Facebook: facebook.com/TantricActivation/
Instagram: instagram.com/tantricactivation/
Twitter: @IAmSarrahRose
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
One of the most difficult tasks in relationships is to maintain our sense of self...to not loose our self in relationship. This can be even more challenging during times of conflict, stress and uncertainty. And especially true when our partner is pressuring us to be something different or when we fear their reaction and ultimately a loss of approval and love.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- How important it is to work on becoming differentiated in relationship.
- The fallout of not maintaining a solid sense of self.
- What it looks like when couples get stuck in emotional fusion and gridlock.
- Dr. David Schnarch's Four Points Of Balance: Solid Flexible Self, Quiet Mind - Calm Heart, Grounded Responding, and Meaningful Endurance.
- How differentiation relates to our passion, sexual desire and sexual intimacy.
"A solid sense of self develops from confronting yourself, challenging yourself to do what's right, and earning your own self-respect. It develops from inside you rather than from internalizing what's around you." by Dr. David Schnarch
Mentioned:
- Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication – Free Guide
- Crucible Institute Dr. David Schnarch (website)
- Intimacy & Desire, by Dr. David Schnarch (book)
- Resurrecting Sex, by Dr. David Schnarch (book)
- Passionate Marriage, by Dr. David Schnarch (book)
- ERP 110: HOW TO MANAGE TWO MAJORLY CONFLICTING NEEDS IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast)
- ERP 234: How To Deal With Fears Of Intimacy – Part two (podcast)
- ERP 233: How To Deal With Fears Of Intimacy – Part One (podcast)
- ERP 223: How To Deal With Difficult Emotions – Part One (podcast)
- ERP 224: How To Deal With Difficult Emotions – Part Two (podcast)
- Dr. Susan Johnson's website
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Bio:
Karl Staib is the author of Bring Gratitude and the Creator of the 30-Day Bring Gratitude Challenge. He has helped thousands of people train their brains. He developed the Dig to Fly method and SOAR technique to help his clients become more resilient and happier. He also created the Legendary Leader Method to help leaders build better relationships with their employees so they are happier and more productive. He has been featured by Forbes, NPR and Zen Habits and worked with Philips Global, Southwest Research Institute and Pioneer Nation.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Karl Staib and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How using a gratitude journal can help us: think differently, gain more self-understanding, and be a better person.
- How building awareness of our patterns and tendencies will give us insight into our growth areas.
- Emotions can create connection or disconnection in relationship.
- Karl's Dig To Fly method and the 5 key questions to ask ourselves when we are having a hard time.
- How to shift from being a negative person into a positive person and not letting letting negative thoughts dictate our actions.
“Each day is "what it is" for 99% of it, and it is up to us (our attitude) to adjust to the world around us versus the world adjusting to us.” by Karl Staib
- In solid relationships, partners bond over positive things rather than negative things.
- Karl's SOAR technique for a daily practice of gratitude and a healthy mindset.
“We don’t need big wins in life to feel happy. Small daily wins keep our mindsets strong and make it easier to appreciate the big wins.” by Karl Staib
Mentioned:
- Bring Gratitude by Karl Staib (book)
- 30 Day Gratitude Challenge Karl Staib
- Relationship Map to Happy Lasting Love Free Guide
Connect with Karl Staib
Website: Bring Gratitude
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Bio:
Mike McNulty, PhD is a psychotherapist specializing in couples therapy, and the founder of The Chicago Relationship Center, and practices in Evanston and Highland Park, IL. Dr. McNulty is a senior certified Gottman relationship therapist and master trainer for The Gottman Institute, who leads workshops for couples and professionals in the United States, Ireland, and Sri Lanka. He has traveled to Sri Lanka 22 times since the 2004 tsunami to provide training to paraprofessional counselors.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Michael McNulty and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- What is ambiguous loss?
- How ambiguous loss affects the grieving process and how to address this type of loss.
- What to do when we have different perspectives and/or a different positions on an issue (i.e. like how to deal with Covid-19).
- How couples with different perspectives can work together and support each other.
- When problems become gridlocked and the stress and disconnect that results.
- What helps us be more flexible and creative, so that we can cope better and be more resilient together.
- How to build rituals for connection, meaning and significance.
“Grief becomes frozen. People do not know what they are grieving, and how to begin to move forward with life.”
Mentioned:
- Coping with Uncertainty During COVID-19: An International Gottman Trainer Shares Their Perspective by Dr. Michael McNulty (Article)
- Ambiguous Loss Dr. Pauline Boss' website
- Chicago Relationship Center Website
- The Gottman Institute Website
- Dr. Susan Johnson Website
- The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties by William J. Doherty (book)
- Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl (book)
- Gottman Card Deck
Connect with Dr. Michael McNulty
Email: mikemcnultyphd@gmail.com
Website: Chicago Relationship Center
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Bio:
Ericka Young founded Tailor-Made Budgets in 2005 after she and her husband Chris climbed out of nearly $100,000 in debt. She is a certified financial coach by Ramsey Solutions and combines her passion for helping people with creative debt reduction techniques so everyone can have a path to financial freedom. Ericka teaches her message of debt freedom through her e-newsletters, personal and group coaching, workshops, best-selling book and speaking engagements.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Ericka Young and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- The different ways people are fairing financially during the pandemic.
- What each of the three camps are experiencing and what they would benefit from considering moving forward.
- Learning how to anticipate and evaluate the health of your career industry.
- Using caution and being prepared as we move through this next phase.
- How to be aligned with what matters most to you and your significant other.
- How to weather the storm if you are taking a big hit during this time.
- How to not loose track of your financial goals as a family, even during the pandemic.
- Learning to be creative and in control of your personal economy.
Mentioned:
- ERP 207: How To Get Out Of Financial Debt When Working Together As A Couple – An Interview With Ericka Young (podcast)
- Tailor Made Budgets Website
- 7 Day Money Challenge Free Video Series (Opt-in)
Connect with Ericka Young:
Email: ericka@tailormadebudgets.com
Website: Tailor Made Budgets
Instagram: @tailormadebudgets
Facebook: TailorMadeBudgets
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Love presents a great opportunity, and it can also feel like a great risk. Especially, when we have felt hurt in the past. If we are not conscious (and aware), we can mistake the fear we feel as an indication that something is off in the relationship or with our partner. The key is to recognize the fear you feel makes sense (understand it's origins) and learn how to work with the fear, so that you can learn to develop more intimacy with your significant other. In the episode, I reference the book "The Highly Sensitive Person In Love," by Elaine Aron.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- How we question our lovability when we have felt hurt in the past.
- How love and intimacy can be threatening.
- Fear of loss of control and how to deal with it.
- Fear of one's "attack and destroy" impulses and what to do about it.
- Fear of being engulfed and how to take care of yourself.
- Fear of commitment and what to consider.
- Fear of disliking the other for subtle annoyances and how to negotiate this with your partner.
"Love feels whole, energizing and integrating all parts of us. But wholeness would also mean integrating any repressed, split-off anger and destructiveness." by Elaine Aaron
Mentioned:
- Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication – Free Guide
- ERP 233: How To Deal With Fears Of Intimacy – Part One (podcast)
- The Highly Sensitive Person In Love, by Elaine Aaron
- The Most Dangerous Stories We Make Up, by Brené Brown
- ERP 018: How To Deal With Feelings Of Anger In Relationship (podcast)
- ERP 223: How To Deal With Difficult Emotions – Part One (podcast)
- ERP 224: How To Deal With Difficult Emotions – Part Two (podcast)
- Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, by Dr. Susan Johnson
- ERP 110: HOW TO MANAGE TWO MAJORLY CONFLICTING NEEDS IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast)
- ERP 093: HOW THE “SHADOW” INFLUENCES OUR GROWTH IN LIFE AND IN RELATIONSHIP WITH DR. KEITH WITT (podcast)
- ERP 217: HOW TO DEAL WITH STONEWALLING IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast)
- Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (book)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
While we want to experience love and intimacy, it can often bring fears to the surface. The fears often have ties to previous pain and are subconscious or unconscious until we enter into a love relationship. In the episode, I reference the book "The Highly Sensitive Person In Love," by Elaine Aron.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- How fears of intimacy develop in one's life.
- Ways people distance themselves emotionally as a result of a fear of intimacy.
- How love and intimacy can be threatening.
- Fear of exposure and rejection and how to deal with it.
- Fear of angry attacks and what to do about it.
- Fear of abandonment and how to take care of yourself.
"To me intimacy means being authentic, revealing to another your most private and true-in-this-moment self - thoughts, feelings, bodily self." by Elaine Aaron
Mentioned:
- Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication – Free Guide
- The Highly Sensitive Person In Love, by Elaine Aaron
- ERP 110: HOW TO MANAGE TWO MAJORLY CONFLICTING NEEDS IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast)
- ERP 221: HOW TO RECOGNIZE AND WORK WITH SELF-SABOTAGE IN RELATIONSHIP AN INTERVIEW WITH BRIANNA WIEST (podcast)
- ERP 093: HOW THE “SHADOW” INFLUENCES OUR GROWTH IN LIFE AND IN RELATIONSHIP WITH DR. KEITH WITT (podcast)
- ERP 217: HOW TO DEAL WITH STONEWALLING IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast)
- Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (book)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Bio:
Melissa Costello is a Transformational Eating Coach, Holistic Nutritionist, Speaker and Author. Her mission is to empower busy professionals to get off the yo-yo dieting rollercoaster and end emotional eating so they can lose the weight that is holding them back from living a life they truly love. Melissa’s in-depth training in Spiritual Psychology, Clinical Nutrition and holistic coaching along with her own personal struggles provides the foundation for her clients to experience powerful breakthroughs and sustainable, profound transformation.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Melissa Costello and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Looking at our relationship to food and how we use food for more than just it's nutritional value.
- How to know if you struggle with food or have issues around food.
- The stress of emotional eating and/or viewing our body's in a negative way.
- How to tune out all the noise that keeps us confused and conflicted about how to eat and what to eat.
- The challenges couples face together around food and eating.
- How to turn towards your body's wisdom and intelligence.
- Gaining clarity and confidence in making decisions for the health of OUR bodies.
"What was one negative thing someone said to you about your body, where you made a decision about yourself?" — Melissa Costello
Mentioned:
- Smash The Wellness Industry NYT article
- Killing Us Softly Wikipedia
Connect with Melissa Costello:
Email: missy@karmachow.com
Website: Karma Chow
Instagram: @karmachow
Facebook: KarmaChow
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Bio:
Stacie Ysidro is the founder of Holistic Progressions and is acknowledged by the World Association of Sex Coaches. Starting her career with business and life coaching in 2009, Stacie combined sexology education, somatic coaching and spirituality to create a unique transformational experience for her clients. Over the 10+ years of service in her industry, Stacie has helped thousands of clients create a sexually satisfying life in recovery, overcome sexual guilt and shame, learn the language of arousal and pleasure, and reignite passion in their relationships.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Stacie and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Our unconscious tendencies in how we show up in sexual intimacy.
- Dealing with shame and old programming around our sexual expression.
- How our traumas, big and small, influence our experience and our ability to prioritize pleasure.
- The importance of redefining our sexual value system.
- Three tips to improve your own sexual energy.
- How to let the walls of protection down to allow for more vulnerability, safety and connection.
- The need to feel loved and accepted for who we are truly.
- Understanding that as your relationship changes your sex life will too, examine what your needs and wants are, and why.
- Explore and examine what is important to you, what you love about yourself, and what you love about your partner.
"The journey to full sexual self-expression and sexual self-acceptance is the deepest most powerful way that you can step into personal growth and development." — Stacie Ysidro
Mentioned:
- Erotic Blueprint Community
- ERP 071: How To Use Sexual EnergyTo Improve Your Health & Relationship – With Sarina Stone
- ERP 211: How To Get Rid Of Shame To Increase Pleasure In The Bedroom – With Ian Ferguson
Connect with Stacie Ysidro:
Email: holisticprogressions@gmail.com
Website: Holistic Progressions
Instagram: @sexcoach_stacie
Facebook: Sober Intimacy
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Bio:
Dr. Gleb Tsipursky is an internationally-recognized thought leader known as the Disaster Avoidance Expert, who is on a mission to protect leaders from dangerous judgment errors known as cognitive biases, which devastate bottom lines and bring down high-flying careers. His expertise and passion is developing the most effective and profitable decision-making strategies to empower leaders to avoid business disasters, maximize their bottom lines, and help their careers flourish. His proprietary methodology combines his pragmatic business experience with cutting-edge behavioral economics and cognitive neuroscience research.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Gleb Tsipursky and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Tribal brain systems: the flight, fight, or freeze environment
- Cognitive biases, training ourselves to notice when we are making judgment errors.
- Transparency in communication and misperception in communication.
- Emotions and their impact on our decision-making skills.
- Transparency and mission bias in our communication with others.
- The bias blind spot as it relates to cognitive bias.
- External perspective to eliminate bias, pessimistic vs optimistic perspectives and the related cognitive biases.
"Everyone has cognitive biases just due to who we are." — Gleb Tsipursky
Mentioned:
- The Blindspots Between Us: How to Overcome Unconcious Cognitive Bias and Build Better Relationships by Gleb Tsipursky
Connect with Gleb Tsipursky:
Website: disasteravoidanceexperts.com
LinkedIn: Dr. Gleb Tsipursky
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Recently, I have been recommending the book "Eight Dates: Essential Conversations For A Lifetime Of Love" by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams. Since the last two podcast episodes have been referring to the importance of connecting and dating in relationship, I thought it would be valuable to share this book with you.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- How being curious and interested in and with your partner will support a lifetime of learning, intimacy and vitality with your partner.
- The importance of seeing love as a practice.
- What threatens commitment and trust in relationship and how to built trust together.
- How conflict is inevitable in every relationship, and understanding the real goal of conflict.
- Learning the difference between solvable problems and perpetual problems.
- What helps partners create a great sex life together.
- Understanding the essential role of play and adventure in your relationship, so that you can keep things fresh and exciting.
"Vulnerability creates trust, and trust is the oxygen your relationship needs to breathe." by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams.
Mentioned:
- Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
- ERP 227: How To Date Your Significant Other - An Interview with Dr. Bill Harley
- ERP 228: How To See Relationship As A Spiritual Teacher - An Interview With Allana Pratt
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Bio:
Allana Pratt is an intimacy expert, relationship coach, author of 6 books, and the host of the edgy podcast “Intimate Conversations.”
Allana offers private, group and online coaching programs for singles and couples to help her clients develop a healthy, intimate relationship with themselves first, which naturally attracts and enhances their ideal partnerships.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Allana Pratt and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How our partner will mirror our work.
- How to see our partner as our master spiritual teacher.
- The power of taking ownership and offering an apology that lands.
- How to become the one to awaken the one.
- The process of growth and integration versus bypassing our wounded parts.
- How we get transparency by giving transparency.
- Tips for couples connection. Presencing together as a couple.
- A dyad date night exercise for intimacy. Tune into one another and keep asking the question, be open and curious.
"All hearts when they are wounded close." — Allana Pratt
Mentioned:
- Finding ‘The One’ is Bullsh*t: Becoming ‘The One’ is Brilliant & Beautiful, by Allana Pratt
- Jennifer Jimenez Vibrant Healthy Living
- David Deangelo
Connect with Allana Pratt:
Website: AllanaPratt.com
Podcast: Intimate Conversations
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/coachallanapratt
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/AlanaPratt?sub_confirmation=1
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. earned his Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Clinical Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975.
Dr. Harley is best known as the author of the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage.
Dr. Harley’s ground-breaking mental-health approach to marriage therapy has saved countless marriages over the decades, and continues to do so today. He has written 23 other books and continues to write, speak, and lead seminars throughout the US and Canada.
Dr. and Mrs. Harley also host a daily one-hour call-in show, Marriage Builders® Radio. It can be heard on radio stations and on the Internet. They have been married for 54 years and live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. They have two adult children, who are now working with them as marriage coaches, and four grandchildren.
Mentioned:
- His Needs, Her Needs, by Willard Harley
In this episode, Dr. Bill Harley and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- The four emotional needs that must be addressed in order to fall in love, stay in love, or get love back again.
- Breaking the “love busters” to create an environment where a date would actually be a mutually enjoyable experience.
- How finding things you enjoy doing together, and encouraging each other’s individual passions can build connection.
- Using the “Love Bank Inventory” to measure what areas of love building need more attention.
"No matter where you are in your marriage, dating can create a great marriage for you. It can solve all of your communication problems, it can solve all the struggles that you've been having, trying to make decisions. And I just challenge couples to recognize that 15 hours a week of undivided attention is the answer." — Dr. Bill Harley
Connect with Dr. Bill Harley:
Website: Marriage Builders® - Successful Marriage Advice
Twitter: Marriage Builders (@marriagebuilder)
Facebook: Marriage Builders - Home
YouTube: MarriageBuilders
Show: Marriage Builders Radio
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
With 25 years of post-graduate training and advanced level certifications, Wendy Behary is the founder and director of The Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and The Schema Therapy Institutes of NJ-NYC and DC.
She has been treating clients, training professionals, and supervising psychotherapists for more than 20 years. Wendy has a specialty in treating narcissists and the people who live with and deal with them. As an author and an expert on the subject of narcissism, she is a contributing chapter author of several chapters on Schema Therapy for narcissism. She lectures both nationally and internationally to professional and general audiences on the subject of Schema Therapy, and the subject of narcissism, relationships, and dealing with difficult people.
In this episode, Wendy Behary and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How confusing and disorienting it can be to be in a relationship with a narcissist.
- Understanding how a narcissist got to be how they are and what it entails.
- The spectrum of narcissism.
- The goal of a narcissist and the missing piece in relationship.
- How one’s own schema, or learned thought patterns and behaviors, can be triggered by, and play into, the tendencies of a narcissist.
- How to have an effect of the relationship.
- How to get your emotional balance, so that you can approach your partner with empathic confrontation.
- The work that goes into helping someone feel capable of standing on their own, to be the strongest healthiest adult they can be, and their own best advocate.
"To hear your own voice, to stand up for yourself...That's a new new movement, which will guide you towards making a decision about this relationship one way or the other, but making it from a healthy position, not from a frightened reaction." — Wendy Behary
Mentioned:
Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed, by Wendy Behary
Loving Leaving Living With...The Narcissist In Your Life
Connect with Guest:
Website: disarmingthenarcissist.com
LinkedIn: Wendy Behary - Speaker-Lecturer - PESI
Facebook: Wendy T. Behary
Email: wendy.behary@gmail.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
Dr. Debi Silber is the founder of the Post Betrayal Transformation Institute and is a holistic psychologist, health, mindset, and personal development expert, the author of The Unshakable Woman: 4 Steps to Rebuilding Your Body, Mind, and Life After a Life Crisis and the forthcoming book: Trust Again. Her recent Ph.D. study on how we experience betrayal made 3 groundbreaking discoveries that change how long it takes to heal. She’s an award-winning speaker, coach, and author dedicated to helping people move past their betrayals as well as any other blocks preventing them from the health, work, finances, relationships, confidence, and happiness they want most.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
In this episode, Debi and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Moving through the 5 stages of healing.
- Exploring deeper the levels of trust and deeper the levels of betrayal.
- Learning to recognize the physical and emotional symptoms of post betrayal syndrome.
- Micro betrayal: small betrayals that slowly deteriorate the trust in relationships.
- When a betrayer has no consequences, further deterioration of the relationship occurs and healing cannot begin.
- Beginning healing and starting the process of rebuilding relationships.
- Face it, feel it, heal it: working through betrayal and become the strongest version of yourself.
"Betrayal is the breaking of a spoken or unspoken rule." — Debi Silber
Mentioned:
- Untamed by Glennon Doyle
- Trust Again, by Debi Silber
- The Unshakable Woman: 4 Steps to Rebuilding Your Body, Mind, and Life After a Life Crisis, by Debi Silber
Connect with Debi Silber:
Website: ThePBTInstitute.com
Membership Community
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Dealing with difficult emotions can feel uncertain, scary and extremely uncomfortable, especially when we have not had positive experiences with experiencing and expressing our emotion in the past.
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- The next three steps (out of five) in how to deal with difficult emotions.
- How we can recognize and identify our primary emotions.
- How acknowledging and naming our difficult emotions lessens the intensity of them and helps us begin the process of organizing and dealing with the emotion.
- How the questions we ask ourselves can contribute to more suffering and pain.
- What we can learn from our feelings and emotions.
- How the insights, learnings and lessons can help us move forward in a more powerful way.
- How self-compassion and understanding can help in the process of dealing with difficult emotions.
Mentioned:
- Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication - Free Guide
- Untamed, by Glennon Doyle
- ERP 223: HOW TO DEAL WITH DIFFICULT EMOTIONS – PART ONE
- ERP 142: How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness
- ERP 143: How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness – Part Two
- ERP 144: HOW TO INCREASE RELATIONSHIP SATISFACTION WITH MINDFULNESS – PART THREE
- ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It
- ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering
- ERP 156: What Happens When You Feel Like A Victim In Relationship
- ERP 157: HOW TO SHIFT OUT OF THE VICTIM POSITION
- ERP 095: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship
- ERP 096: HOW YOUR BELIEFS CAN DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP – PART TWO
- ERP 135: HOW TO HANDLE GRIEF AND LOSS IN RELATIONSHIP – PART ONE
- ERP 136: HOW TO HANDLE GRIEF AND LOSS IN RELATIONSHIP – PART TWO
- Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, by Dr. Susan Johnson
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
Dealing with difficult emotions can feel uncertain, scary and extremely uncomfortable, especially when we have not had positive experiences with experiencing and expressing our emotion in the past.
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- The tendency to want to suppress, deny, avoid and reject our painful emotions.
- How avoiding painful and difficult emotions leads to more suffering and problems in the long-term.
- Learning to turn towards painful emotion can be terrifying, especially when we don't know how.
- The first two steps (out of five) in how to deal with difficult emotions.
- How feeling our emotion leads to our growth and development.
Mentioned:
- Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication - Free Guide
- Untamed, by Glennon Doyle
- ERP 199: How To Use Emotional Intelligence For Connection
- ERP 200: How To Use Emotional Intelligence For Connection - Part Two
- ERP 222: How To Deal With Triggers In Relationship
- ERP 160: How To Deal With Anxiety In Relationship
- ERP 126: What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship
- ERP 127: What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship - Part Two
- ERP 018: How To Deal With Feelings Of Anger In Relationship
- ERP 135: HOW TO HANDLE GRIEF AND LOSS IN RELATIONSHIP – PART ONE
- ERP 136: HOW TO HANDLE GRIEF AND LOSS IN RELATIONSHIP – PART TWO
- ERP 009: MY PERSONAL STORY – WHAT LED ME INTO THE FIELD OF COUPLES WORK AND RELATIONSHIP COACHING
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
David Richo Ph.D. is a Psychotherapist, Writer, and Workshop Leader. He teaches at a variety of places including Esalen and Spirit Rock Buddhist Center. He shares his time between Santa Barabara and San Francisco in California. Dave combines psychological and spiritual perspectives in his work.
In this episode, David Richo and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- The 3 common triggers: fear, anger, and sadness.
- The valuable lessons you can learn from your triggers.
- What happens when we live with triggers for a long period of time.
- Recognizing that you can be triggered by an environment, people, and/or events.
- Tools for working through triggers.
"Relationships work best when we give equal attention to our own needs and to the needs of our partners and children." — David Richo
Mentioned:
Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication
ERP 195: Essential Elements of Love (Podcast)
ERP 196: Essential Elements of Love - Part Two (Podcast)
Connect with David Richo:
Website: DaveRicho.com
Books:
Triggers
When the Past is Present
How to Be an Adult in Love
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
Brianna Wiest has traveled internationally as a journalist, written for Fortune 500 companies, and has spoken in cities around the continental United States. She is the author of five books, her latest, The Mountain Is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage Into Self-Mastery is being published in 2020. Her dream is to use the power of words to help people awaken to their fullest potential, build emotional intelligence and fulfill their life purpose.
In this episode, Brianna Wiest and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- The difference between self-sabotage and victim mentality and how to recognize what you can and cannot control.
- Recognizing patterns in your relationships, so you can identify where healing needs to take place.
"There (is) a shift that people make from being a victim of their story to the person who's writing the story."* — Brianna Wiest***
- Letting go of outside voices and expectations, so you can start connecting to what you really want to feel and experience.
- How self-sabotage is actually about loving yourself, and how that realization can lead to healing.
- How to gauge your level of self-sabotage, which can help indicate areas of resistance, as well as areas of flow.
"Self-sabotage is not a way we hurt ourselves; it’s a way we try to protect ourselves."* — Brianna Wiest***
Mentioned:
The Mountain Is You: Brianna Wiest
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Brianna Wiest:
Website: briannawiest.com
Instagram: instagram.com/briannawiest
Podcast: Get Out Of Your Own Way
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
In this episode, I am answering a listeners's question in how to reconnect emotionally with his wife.
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- The four stages of separation distress.
- The benefits and value of going slow to maintain emotional balance and regulation.
- How to reveal and soften to help create safety.
- The importance of being emotionally present and attuned to your significant other.
- Where men often get stuck in connecting emotionally, especially when there is conflict.
Mentioned:
- Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication - Free Guide
- Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, by Dr. Susan Johnson
- ERP 220: How To Deal With Stonewalling In Relationship (podcast)
- Still Face Experiment (video)
- Hole Me Tight (course)
- Dr. Susan Johnson talk "Conversations at The Royal: Love Sense" (video)
- Love Sense (book) by Dr. Susan Johnson
- Hold Me Tight (book) by Dr. Susan Johnson
- The Gottman Institute (website)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
Today, I am referencing Dr. Vivek Murthy's book, Together, to offer some added support for the larger conversation around institutional racism, oppression and social justice.
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- The right of human belonging and humanization.
- The role of disconnection, dehumanization, fear and distrust that plays into our experience.
- How do we build trust, repair and relationship together.
"The challenge of the remainder of our century is how are we as a global family going to attend to the basic fundamentals of creating the right of belonging?" John Paul Lederach in "Together" by Dr. Vivek Murthy
- Exploring the question..."how do we experience more connection collectively."
- How to engage in higher quality presence and connection when differences exist.
"I have a fundamental belief that at the root of every person is a spark of the Creator. There's something that binds everyone. Even if they are behaving in ways I find reprehensible, we still share a common humanity. And that can't be erased. Even if someone is doing things that are really against me or harming me or society. I feel somewhat of a responsibility to that person." Matthew Stevenson from "Together" by Dr. Vivek Murthy
Resources:
- Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, by Dr. Vivek Murthy
- Black Lives Matter (reading list, find a local chapter, donate, etc)
- Support Campaign Zero, a police reform group that has been working on policy solutions “informed by data and human rights principles.”
- Anti-racism Resources
- NY Times Antiracist Reading List
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
Today, I am pausing from the regularly scheduled episodes to stand in solidarity for Black Out Tuesday and Black Lives Matter.
On the Empowered Relationship podcast, we address principles that support healthy relationship.
The importance of safety, respect and reverence for people expands beyond intimate connection.
We are all a part of a human family. When harm, injury, abuse, injustice occurs, it affects us all whether we turn towards it or we turn away from it.
As we talk about on this show, when someone is acting out of protest, there is pain. While the message isn’t always clear. If we look deeply, what is underneath is “This is not okay. I am not okay.”
Today, I invite you to consider putting attention towards positive change and being a part of a solution.
I encourage any time you would have allocated towards improving your intimate relationship today to invest in the quality of human connection and with Black Lives specifically.
What can you do today to pivot your focus to relationship, care and consideration for the safety and well-being of Black Lives and the experience of African Americans in the United States, as well as your role (your relationship, how you participate or how you don’t participate)?
We all have a role.
There are many ways you can do this. If you are looking for ideas, please see below for some suggestions.
Another way to think about this...is what do you do when someone you love or care about is hurting? Or when you feel overwhelmed and don't know what to do?
- Learn.
- Read.
- Listen.
- Hold space.
- Get involved.
- Donate
- Sign petitions.
Resources (not a comprehensive list):
- Black Lives Matter (reading list, find a local chapter, donate, etc)
- Support Campaign Zero, a police reform group that has been working on policy solutions “informed by data and human rights principles.”
- Anti-racism Resources
- NY Times Antiracist Reading List
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
Today, I am giving more attention and support to a listener's question, who writes "How do you deal with a partner who stonewalls?"
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- What stonewalling is and what it entails.
- Common dynamics and patterns that lead to one partner withdrawing or stonewalling.
- What is often underneath the stonewalling behavior and what it feels like on the receiving end.
- Research findings about the differences between men and women as it relates to stonewalling.
- Over time, the pain of stonewalling can be devastating to the emotional bond and relationship.
- Tips for how to get off the destructive track of the pursuer-withdrawer pattern, so that we can find our emotional balance and start a softer, more positive and constructive conversation with our partner.
Mentioned:
Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication - Free Guide
Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, by Dr. Susan Johnson
ERP 213: How Shame And Grandiosity Relate To Self-Esteem - An Interview With Terry Real (podcast)
ERP 210: How Emotionally Intelligent Men Are Key To A Lasting Relationship - An Interview With Kyle Benson (podcast)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
In last weeks episode, ERP 215, we discussed how connection to other people really begins with our connection to ourself.
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- What loneliness is and how we experience it.
- The 3 dimensions of loneliness, and how we need all three to thrive.
- How our expectations and cultural messages influence loneliness.
- The consequences and health risks of loneliness.
"Medicine and technology may fail us at times, but human connection grounded in love and compassion always heals." by Dr. Vivek Murthy
- How shame and mental health issues interact with loneliness.
- How loneliness is experienced differently among men and women.
- Ways to build connection and emotional fitness.
"We all have a deep and abiding need to be seen for who we are - as fully dimensional, complex, and vulnerable human beings. We all need to know that we matter and that we are loved. These are the deep-seated needs that secure relationships satisfy, and when they are met, we tend to live healthier, more productive and more rewarding lives. When they go unmet, we suffer." by Dr. Vivek Murthy
Mentioned:
Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, by Dr. Vivek Murthy
ERP 215: How To Deal With Being "Alone Together" (podcast)
ERP 213: How Shame And Grandiosity Relate To Self-Esteem - An Interview With Terry Real (podcast)
ERP 210: How Emotionally Intelligent Men Are Key To A Lasting Relationship - An Interview With Kyle Benson (podcast)
Dr. Vivek Murthy and Brené on Loneliness and Connection (podcast)
ERP 083: How Vibrant Community Helps Support Healthy Relationship - With Christiane Pelmas (podcast)
ERP 017: What To Do When You Are Feeling Lonely In Relationship - Part Two (podcast)
ERP 016: What To Do When You Are Feeling Lonely In Relationship - Part One (podcast)
ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) (podcast)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
When I saw the #alonetogether, I questioned "Is this really what we are all feeling? If anything, it seems like the majority of us are feeling "togetheralone."
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- With the division in perspectives and approaches right now, it can be hard to know how to move forward (with both supporting the economy and people's health and safety).
- The challenges of separation, distance, lack of connection and contact that people are experiencing right now.
- Ironically, how taking time to be still and centered supports our clarity, confidence, and connections.
“Don’t confuse loneliness with time by yourself” by Micaela Marini Higgs"
- Why getting quality alone time is hard, and our aversion to taking it.
- How it is easy to mistake or confuse anxiety, exhaustion, and stress for the need to be alone or in solitude.
- The surprising benefits of choosing to invest in quality alone time.
"Our connection to other people really begins with our connection to ourself" By Dr. Vivek Murthy
Mentioned:
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, by Dr. Vivek Murthy
Why You Should Find Time to Be Alone With Yourself, by Micaela Marini Higgs
Dr. Vivek Murthy and Brené on Loneliness and Connection (podcast)
ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) (podcast)
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
Dr. Tom Habib is a clinical psychologist specializing in couple’s therapy. Tom has published papers on a Couple’s Line of Development (Integral Leadership Review, Aug-Nov, 2016, revised 2018) in addition to other publications on other topics.
He has presented at the Integral Theory Conference, at the Integral European Conference where he was recognized for the Best Practitioner Paper, Honorable Mention. Tom is currently serving as the chair for the International Consortium of Integral Scholars for IEC 2020.
Tom has been recognized by Academia.edu as achieving the top 1% researcher in recognition of how often his work is viewed by researchers all over the world.
In this episode, Dr. Tom Habib and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Exploring the developmental stages of couplehood, along with the challenges and opportunities.
- How a couple’s intimacy is dependent on each person’s developmental history.
- Society’s glorification of the exciting first stage of relationships and how that adds to the challenges of surviving the next phase of relationship (where reality sets in).
- Two common fantasies we have in relationship and how they pose a barrier to true intimacy.
“People are blowing up their lives because they are so hungry for connection.” Dr. Tom Habib
- Getting to the place where you recognize and value each other’s strengths and weaknesses and figure out how to use those to work together.
- Working towards an abundance and gratitude mindset, understanding your inner world more fully, and a willingness to be transparent with your partner.
- Embracing moments of emotional vulnerability to develop resonance and build moments of connection and intimacy with your significant other.
- What we can learn from the last developmental stage of relationship.
- How to determine what stage you are in and how to grow your relationship.
“As Ken Wilber talks about, the ability to show up fully means that you have cleaned up, you've grown up, and you've woken up. There's enough trust to not overreact to that moment, then the enlightenment really starts to build, because when they reveal something, you begin to go, ‘Wow, I didn't even see that. I wanna see more.’ ...because you're aware that it's always unfolding. And when you can unfold it with two people, it really gets special." — Dr. Tom Habib
Mentioned:
A Couples Line of Development by Dr. Tom Habib
Integral European Conference: IEC ONLINE 2020
First Love Vs Spiritual Love
Relationship Map to Happy Lasting Love – Free Guide
ERP 197: How To Engage In More Conscious Communication - an Interview with Robert Macnaughton (podcast)
ERP 159: What Happens When Your Partner is at a Different Stage of Development? An Interview Martin Ucik (podcast)
ERP 093: How the “Shadow” Influences our Growth in Life and In Relationship with Dr. Keith Witt (podcast)
Connect with Dr. Tom Habib:
Website: drtomhabib.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrTomHabib/
Email: drtomhabib@gmail.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
Terry Real is a nationally recognized family therapist and author. Particularly known for his groundbreaking work on men, his work on gender and couples. He published the national bestseller: I Don't Want To Talk About It, the first book written on the topic of male depression. He has been in private practice for thirty years and he is the Founder of The Relational Life Institute, where he teaches therapist trainings and workshops for couples
In this episode, Terry Real and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
.
- How men need to find the courage to be vulnerable in order to achieve the intimacy required to maintain a healthy relationship.
- The false forms of self-esteem that many of us operate under, versus the inside-out knowledge of our essential worth as human beings.
- How shame and grandiosity both stem from a feeling of unworthiness and the different ways they wreak havoc on relationships.
- How to quiet the inner critic and practice self-love.
- The need for a paradigm shift from a dominant style of masculinity to a cooperative, ecological, and humble masculinity.
"Here's what I want to tell you. I used to be you, I spent most of my life loathing myself. I spent most of my life bouncing back and forth between inferiority and superiority. I did not like being alone in my skin. It was not fun to be there. And what I want to tell you is I'm no longer there. I am happy in my own skin, and I earned that. Nobody gave that to me. And you can earn it just as easily if you do the work" — Terry Real
Mentioned:
Fierce Intimacy
Evolutionary Relationships
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
The Long Shadow of Couples Therapy
Connect with Terry Real:
Website: terryreal.com
Facebook: Terry Real - Relational Life Institute - Home
Books: I Don't Want to Talk About It The New Rules of Marriage How Can I Get Through To You?
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
The Mindful Couple. Craig has over 30 years of experience dedicated to helping couples rekindle their love, deepen their intimacy and strengthen communication as a couples therapist, and Debbie is a relationship educator and coach. Through Lambert Couples Therapy, they have worked with thousands of couples, helping them understand the often unconscious underpinnings of relationship conflict. They are based in San Diego.
In this episode, Craig, Debbie, and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How so much conflict comes from an inability or unwillingness to see beyond our own vantage point.
- The dangers of confirmation bias and how it reinforces resistance, which makes empathy and diversity more of a challenge.
- Tools to use for opening up dialogue and finding common ground.
- The power of celebrating the wins that we're having, and the things that people are doing, right.
- Enriching your own perspective and strengthening your relationships by becoming curious and asking questions.
"I think the political differences really brings up a lot of resistance on both sides, but it's such a beautiful opportunity to see it... then we can choose to maybe go down a different path with less resistance on either what we're doing politically or just in our relationships. I think in the midst of resistance is a desire to connect and to understand." — Debbie Lambert
Mentioned: Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication
Connect with Craig and Debbie Lambert:
Website: craiglamberttherapy.com/the-mindful-couple/
Book: The Mindful Couple
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
Ian Ferguson is an intimacy coach and teacher of the Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™ platform, designed to radically transform how we talk about and experience sex. Ian is an expert on clearing shame and ending struggles that keep people from experiencing a deep intimate connection and sexual satisfaction. Through the Erotic Blueprints, he and Jaiya Ma have provided a 'Rosetta Stone' for people to clearly articulate their desires and experience erotic fulfillment.
In this episode, Ian Ferguson and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How social norms make it difficult to talk about sex in a healthy way, and propagate shame.
- Getting to know your own body so you can begin to articulate who you are as an erotic being
- How understanding which of the five erotic personality types you fit into can transform your sex life
- How to listen to the sometimes competing messages from your body and get to the heart of what it is you truly want for yourself sexually.
- Shame is often driven by trauma. Allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel and move through the shame into healing is transformative and freeing.
"No matter what is going on for you, you are normal, you are not broken. You are whole and complete as you are. The primary rule for operating in the world around your sexuality is simply that everything that you're doing is consensual and that you're creating healthy boundaries for yourself." — Ian Ferguson
Mentioned:
Erotic Blueprint Quiz
Path To Passion
Connect with Guest:
Website: https://missjaiya.com/
Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/JaiyaNWSE/
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
Kyle Benson is an Intentional Intimate Relationship coach providing practical, research-based tools to build long-lasting relationships. Kyle is best known for his compassion and non-judgmental style and his capacity to see the root problem.
In this episode, Kyle Benson and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- The importance of tuning in to the information our bodies give us to improve our health and our lives.
- How men who are emotionally engaged generally have more stable relationships because they are more sensitive to what was going on in their partner’s world.
- How emotionally intelligent partners often turn towards difficult emotions in their partners and in themselves, rather than avoiding them.
- Helping men overcome a lifetime of being told to suppress so-called “unmasculine” emotions.
- The importance of creating a safe space for anyone, but especially men, to express their feelings.
"It’s such a joy to see that transformation and that kind of new shift...they're making a choice to step into something that's unfamiliar. That's scary...but when they start to touch into that in their relationship, and you create that safer space, I mean, it's really beautiful when they can connect with their partners." — Kyle Benson
Intimacy 5 Challenge
Emotionally Intelligent Relationship
Mankind Project
Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication – Free Guide
Connect with Guest:
Website: kylebenson.net
Twitter: @_KyleBenson
Facebook: facebook.com/kylebenson.net
Email: Contact Kyle Benson
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
Donna is one of the Co-founders and facilitators of The Bridge Retreat and has been working with individuals, couples and groups for almost 30 years.
Donna is passionate about the subject of grief and the grieving process which she believes offers the missing link for many in their search for wholeness. This interest stemmed from her own very personal experience of ‘depression’ which she suffered from for many years and now knows to have in fact been unprocessed grief.
In this episode, Donna Lancaster and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Discomfort, anxiety, and depression may actually be unprocessed pain and grief.
- Being grateful for our incredible capacity for survival and resilience, but not letting our past difficulties define you.
- How we tend to see people through our own lenses of past pain.
- Heartbreak is inevitable and an essential part of being wonderfully human.
- The power of recognizing pain as a community, and healing in a community.
"The details of our stories may differ. But the essence of them is the same...we all go through loss, our hearts break, again and again, it’s part of the human condition. But what we're not shown, generally speaking, is how to allow and to embrace all those emotions and let them flow through us (as) they're meant to do, so that we can then really, really return to our wholeness. Not even return, just remember, because we always were home. And that is the power of community." — Donna Lancaster
Mentioned:
The Bridge Retreat Video
The Bridge Retreat website
How to Handle Grief & Loss In Relationship podcast)
How to Handle Grief & Loss In Relationship - Part Two (podcast)
Grief Refuge (grief companioning)
Free strategy session with Dr. Jessica Higgins (coaching)
Connect with Donna:
Website: https://www.thebridgeretreat.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thebridgeretreat/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebridgehealing/
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
No doubt, we are all feeling the stress of the COVID-19 crisis. I reach out to you today to be in community with you, as we are all being impacted. With the threats looming, it is easy to feel scared, uncertain, and a sense of loss.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- How the way with deal with a challenge can be more important than the challenge itself.
- How to find a balance between panicking in fear and ignoring or dismissing the issue.
- Learning to manage our reactions and activated states.
- Building awareness around our experience, so that we can be more present to others and ourselves.
- Focusing on an Intention for clarity and direction.
- How to build connection with others even when we are limited.
- How to practice discernment and mindful action.
Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication - Free Guide
Mentioned:
- Awareness, Intention And Mindful Action - During Stressful Times (article)
- Fear Melters, by Gay & Katie Hendricks
- Wheel of Awareness, by Dr. Dan Siegel
- Aware, by Daniel Siegel
- Coming to Terms With Coincidence, By Ralph Lewis M.D
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Ericka Young is a recognized expert in financial coaching and helps families significantly improve their finances and their future. As founder and president of Tailor-Made Budgets, she teaches debt freedom through her e-newsletters, personal coaching, group programs, and speaking engagements.
In this episode, Ericka Young and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How most people see debt as “normal,” but it breeds shame and embarrassment.
- Once you reach your breaking point, getting out of debt requires diligence and persistence.
- Rather than being restrictive, a budget can be freeing and give you control of your finances.
- If you are afraid to look at your debt, then you won’t know what it's going to take to get free.
- Working together as a couple requires stepping back, looking at the big picture, and working toward a common goal.
"They're so afraid that looking at the number is going to mean that the house is gonna fall down around them. And my take on this is, first of all, you're not alone. This is why I'm here. I've been there. And so I understand that this is difficult. You can do hard things though. And if you don't face it, you can't change it." — Ericka Young
Mentioned:
Free Mini-Course
Naked and Unashamed
Connect with Ericka:
Website: https://www.tailormadebudgets.com/
Facebook: TailorMadeBudgets
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tailormadebudgets/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/erickayoung/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/budgetsbyericka
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
Typically, we don't think about porn being related to lovemaking. However, many people are experiencing relationship challenges related to the use of porn.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- How the use of porn has changed over time.
- Our paradigm about and consciousness around porn.
- What happens when we don't examine how and why we use porn.
- How porn supports one aspect of sexuality, which may be very limiting when it comes to interacting with an actual partner.
- How porn addiction and miseducation can interfere with love making.
- How we may be turning away from our partners and using porn as a coping strategy.
- How lovemaking can be an all encompassing, full-spectrum, and integrated experience.
"Porn is strictly genital sex. It completely divorces sex from emotional attachment, the springboard for optimal sex, which requires mutual engagement, attunement, and responsiveness. Porn reduces sex to sensation - intercourse and orgasm - and eliminates any connection to or respect for the user's partner." by Dr. Susan Johnson
Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication - Free Guide
Relationship Map - Free Cheat Sheet
Mentioned:
- ERP 202: HOW TO NURTURE YOUR SEXUAL INTIMACY AND CONNECTION IN RELATIONSHIP
- ERP 145: PORNOGRAPHY. WHAT ARE WE REALLY TALKING ABOUT? WITH DR. MARTY KLEIN
- Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, by Dr. Susan Johnson
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
About Simone Milasas: Simone Milasas is a lady who knows how to be a woman, who sees the joy of possibility and future and knows that there is the prospect of possibility in every choice you choose. Simone is the author of Joy Of Business translated into 13 languages and best-selling book Getting Out Of Debt Joyfully translated into 5 languages. She is currently working on her 3rd book with Brendon Watt called; Relationship. Are you sure you want one?
Simone currently travels the world facilitating seminars with Access Consciousness. She also has numerous online courses and is always asking for more possibilities to show up. You can find Simone every week on her podcast – The Art & Industry of Business & Living available on her website and iTunes.
In this episode, Simone Milasas and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How money should contribute to your relationships, rather than define them
- Being willing to look at what’s in front of you and knowing yourself and your partner creates trust.
- Money is just money and shouldn’t create as much havoc as it does
- Creating a non-judgmental space is essential for open communication about finances
- Writing down everything that it costs to run your life together, and deciding how you want to live is how to make informed choices and take control of your finances
- Make it a joyous occasion to look at your expenses because your life changes!
- If you don’t ask for it, how’s it going to show up?
- Subtext doesn’t work, it only creates conflict. Your partner can’t read your mind!
- Recognizing the value of non-monetary contributions to the relationship
- You've got to look at what's going to work for you
"What I've noticed over the years is if I choose to be clear on something, then I can create something and I can change something. It's when you choose not to be aware of something that you can't change it...And if you don't know what your point of view is that creates your own financial reality and you're in a relationship, then this reality will create it for you." — Simone Milasas
Mentioned:Access Consciousness.
Relationship. Are You Sure You Want One?
Relationships Done Different
Connect with Guest:
Website: https://www.simonemilasas.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AccessSimoneMilasas
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/simonemilasas/
Podcast: https://www.simonemilasas.com/podcasts/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/simonemilasas
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/joyofbusiness/:
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
Learning more about your attachment and communication styles can give you and your partner the power to transform a challenging relationship.
About Amy Chan:
Amy Chan is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing the heart. She is also the Editor-in-Chief of JustMyType.ca - an online magazine that focuses on the psychology behind love, lust and desire. Marie Claire calls her "A relationship expert whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw" and her company has been featured across national media including Good Morning America, Vogue, Glamour, Nightline and the front page of The New York Times.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Amy Chan and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How relationship challenges can teach us about our areas of growth and healing.
- How to notice if you are starting to lose yourself in a relationship and how to maintain a healthy connection, both with your partner and with yourself.
- The importance of identifying the root motivations for our giving and sacrifice behavior.
- What attachment theory is and how early life plays a large role in your attachment style in a relationship.
- How knowing your attachment style can help you resolve issues more quickly with your significant other, as well as help you develop a more secure attachment.
- Tips around what to do when you feel triggered and threatened, so that you can begin to regulate your nervous system and emotional state.
- Learning how to organize your feelings and approach your partner in a way that supports more effective communication.
"When you're in this survival state, that your connection is threatened, you're not logical. So anything you're going to do during that state is probably not a really healthy choice for your future. And so you want to get back to calm and center. And before you do anything, before you send that text or make that call or break up, you want to be able to get back into a high vibe." — Amy Chan
Mentioned:
Amy’s Breakup Bootcamp
Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication - Free Guide
Connect with Amy Chan:
Website: www.renewbreakupbootcamp.com
Blog: https://www.justmytype.ca/
Breakup Bootcamp on Instagram: @renewyourheart
Amy Chan on Instagram: @missamychan
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” buttonhere.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review byclicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking theConnected Couple Programor engaging inrelationship coachingwork with me.
In this episode, I talk with Lisa Barros D'Sa and Glenn Leyburn about the film Ordinary Love.
Bleecker Street's ORDINARY LOVE, starring Academy Award® nominees Lesley Manville (“Phantom Thread”) and Liam Neeson (“Schlinder’s List”). Following its critically acclaimed debut at TIFF, ORDINARY LOVE hit theaters on Valentine's Day, February 14th, and follows the story of an everyday couple with a remarkable love.
The film is directed by Irish filmmaking duo Lisa Barros D’Sa & Glenn Leyburn (“Good Vibrations,” “Cherrybomb”) with a screenplay from the award-winning playwright Owen McCafferty.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Lisa Barros D'Sa, Glenn Leyburn and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- A love story of a middle-aged couple.
- The warmth, humor, and connection that comes from a deep level of intimacy.
- When confronted with a major hardship, we have the opportunity to uplift each other and keep each other afloat.
- With a major health issue, there is an individual journey as well as a couple journey.
- When we attempt to protect our partner from our pain, we often feel isolated.
- What honesty, acceptance, strength and courage can look like within a relationship during painful times.
- How life's difficulties can separate us and bring us back together again.
- Collaboration through mutual trust and respect.
Mentioned:
- Website: https://bleeckerstreetmedia.com/ordinary-love-film
- Insta: bleeckerstfilms
- Twitter: @bleeckerstfilms
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Sharing sexual intimacy and love making with your significant other can be such a profound and prominent way to express love and passion within your bond. And yet, there are so many things that make the process of coming together in an open, flexible, and engaged way challenging.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- How our expectations, assumptions and judgements influence our experience sexually.
- What differentiation has to do with sexual fire and passion.
- How couples get stuck in gridlock and sexual difficulties.
- The fears, shame, anxieties, trauma, and stress that affect our ability to be available and present sexually.
- The ways our attachment strategies show up in our love making.
- How safety in the relationship helps partners be more present, expressed and engaged in erotic play.
"Worry and distraction do not make for expansive, fulfilling sex. Sealed-off sex tends to be erotic but empty, while solcae sex is soothing but unerotic. The most satisfying and orgasmic sex, what I call "synchrony sex," occurs when partners are securely attached." by Dr. Susan Johnson
Mentioned:
Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication - Free Guide
Relationship Map - Free Cheat Sheet
Mentioned:
- WHAT DOES THE DEVELOPMENT OF INTIMACY LOOK LIKE IN RELATIONSHIP?
- ERP 110: HOW TO MANAGE TWO MAJORLY CONFLICTING NEEDS IN RELATIONSHIP
- Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, by Dr. Susan Johnson
- Hold Me Tight, by Dr. Susan Johnson
- Passionate Marriage by Dr. David Schnarch
- Intimacy & Desire, by David Schnarch
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
In this episode, I will be addressing a listener's question in a little more depth.
If you do not resonate with the example shared, then please replace "tattoo" with something that your partner has done that is against your wishes.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- The benefits of working through the power struggle phase.
- Navigating the two main conflicting needs in relationship.
- Addressing differences in a safe, supportive and collaborative way.
- How to develop deeper levels of understanding and empathy when discussing a tender, emotional topic with your significant other.
- Gaining clarity about boundaries and agreements.
- Identifying and shifting out of critical and defensive patterns.
Mentioned:
Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication - Free Guide
Relationship Map - Free Cheat Sheet
Podcast:
- ERP 200: HOW TO USE YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE FOR CONNECTION, PART TWO
- ERP 199: HOW TO USE YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE FOR CONNECTION
- WHAT DOES THE DEVELOPMENT OF INTIMACY LOOK LIKE IN RELATIONSHIP?
- ERP 110: HOW TO MANAGE TWO MAJORLY CONFLICTING NEEDS IN RELATIONSHIP
- ERP 013: BALANCING INTIMACY AND AUTONOMY IN RELATIONSHIP
- ERP 045: HOW TO GAIN SELF-CONFIDENCE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
- ERP 006: MAKING AND KEEPING AGREEMENTS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
- ERP 116: HOW TO REGAIN TRUST AND SELF-CONFIDENCE WHEN YOU’VE LOST IT
- ERP 194: HOW TO ALCHEMIZE YOUR TRIGGERS INTO INSIGHT – AN INTERVIEW WITH TOBIN ZIVON
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
In Part 2 of this series, Jessica dives deeper into the how-tos of building emotional connectivity with our partners in order to reaffirm trust and safety while negating criticism.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- Healing the intimacy disconnect between unspoken fear and defensiveness.
- Why humans are designed to be in bonded relationships.
- Dr. Susan Johnson’s research on the psychological repercussions of emotional independence.
- Differences between men and women in emotional responses and suppression.
- How to learn the road map of emotionally connected conversations.
- The feedback loop between vulnerability and security.
- The ability to find balance and the vital importance of at least one positive, early attachment parental figure.
- Why intimacy is rooted in empathy.
" Learning to love and be loved is, in effect, about learning to tune into our emotions so that we know what we need from a partner, and expressing those needs openly in a way that evokes sympathy and support from him or her." — Dr. Susan Johnson
Mentioned:
- ERP, How To Use Your Emotional Intelligence For Connection, Part One
- Love Sense by Dr. Susan Johnson
- Hold Me Tight, by Dr. Susan Johnson
- Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
All too often we get stuck in disconnect patterns when painful emotions arise in relationship. Most of the time, we don't even know we are hurting because we are only aware of our reactions...anger, frustration, criticism etc. When we lead with our reactions, our partner doesn't see our pain, and does not know how to help.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- What would happen if we freeze framed the moment right before we react to our partner? What would we learn?
- How we often don't have a road map for how to be with our difficult emotions.
- The strategies we develop to cope with painful emotions in relationship.
- The purpose of emotion.
- What happens when we name painful emotions.
- The groundwork for empathy in relationship.
"Emotion is actually nature's exquisitely efficient information-processing and signaling system..." by Dr. Susan Johnson
Mentioned:
Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication - Free Guide
Podcast:
- ERP 189: HOW BEING “SELFISH” MAY BE THE BEST THING YOU DO FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP – AN INTERVIEW WITH DR. LAURA DABNEY
- ERP 194: HOW TO ALCHEMIZE YOUR TRIGGERS INTO INSIGHT – AN INTERVIEW WITH TOBIN ZIVON
Book: Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, by Dr. Susan Johnson
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
About Noah St John:
Noah St. John, author of 15 books including the NEW book Power Habits®: The New Science for Making Success Automatic®
Noah St. John is known as "The Power Habits® Mentor" and is famous for helping people get rid of their head trash and make more money.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Noah St John and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How people end up starving themselves of success.
- Recognizing the learning process of being successful.
- The interaction (and combined effect) of the inner game and the outer game.
- Identifying unconscious patterns.
- Assessing systems and strategies.
- What are power habits for happy couples
- Getting our brain to be in service of possibilities and positive outcomes.
- How to ask empowering questions.
- The elements of freedom lifestyle - time, energy, relationship, money.
Mentioned:
ERP 140: HOW PAIN AND SUFFERING INCREASE & WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
ERP 141: HOW TO DECREASE RELATIONSHIP PAIN AND SUFFERING
Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication - Free Guide
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/noahstjohn
Website: www.NoahStJohn.com
Instagram: @noahstjohn
Book: www.PowerHabitsBook.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Today, we are continuing the conversation about how to cultivate a more loving presence through the Five A's offered by David Richo.
The Five A's are Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, and Allowing.
If you missed episode ERP 195: 5 Essential Elements Of Love - Part- One, I encourage you to listen to it before listening to this episode, as it gives context for this conversation as well as discusses the first 2 A's.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- The challenges of not receiving appreciation and how this can affect us both personally and relationally.
- How offering specific appreciations can increase the positive impact.
- Affection refers not just to physical contact, but also to the feeling of being close through conversation, gestures, and presence.
- Allowing means letting someone be themselves and giving them the freedom to do things in their own way.
- The difference between trying to control your partner and setting limits and boundaries for yourself.
- The importance of giving the 5 A's to others AND giving the 5 A's to ourselves.
"Being a fair witness requires a healthy ego, because distance and objectivity are unavailable to someone with poor boundaries, no tolerance of ambiguity, and no sense of a personal center." by David Richo
Mentioned:
Podcast:
- ERP 195: 5 ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS OF LOVE
- ERP 036: HOW TO OFFER THE GIFT OF LISTENING
- ERP 089: HOW TO USE LOVE LANGUAGES TO STRENGTHEN CONNECTION
- ERP 090: HOW TO USE LOVE LANGUAGES TO STRENGTHEN CONNECTION – PART TWO
Website: David Richo's website
Book: How To Be An Adult In Relationships - Five Keys to Mindful Living, by David Richo
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
In the book, "How To Be An Adult In Relationships - Five Keys to Mindful Living," David Richo offers us 5 essential practices of love.
David calls these practices the "Five A's," which are attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing.
"What we need for the building of a self is precisely what we need for happiness in our adult love relationships." by David Richo
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:
- Our human need for the 5 A's occurs throughout our lifespan in order to thrive and feel secure.
- Giving and receiving the 5 A's with a significant other can reduce stress, anxiety, depression, as well as can help heal wounds from previous relationship trauma.
- The importance of giving the 5 A's to others AND giving the 5 A's to ourselves.
- A description of the first 2 (of the 5) A's: Attention and Acceptance.
"Love from another adult does more than just satisfy us in the present. It ripples back in time for us, repairing, restoring, and renovating an inadequate past." by David Richo
Mentioned:
Podcast:
- ERP 036: HOW TO OFFER THE GIFT OF LISTENING
- ERP 189: HOW BEING “SELFISH” MAY BE THE BEST THING YOU DO FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP – AN INTERVIEW WITH DR. LAURA DABNEY
- ERP 089: HOW TO USE LOVE LANGUAGES TO STRENGTHEN CONNECTION
- ERP 090: HOW TO USE LOVE LANGUAGES TO STRENGTHEN CONNECTION – PART TWO
Website: David Richo's website
Book: How To Be An Adult In Relationships - Five Keys to Mindful Living, by David Richo
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
About Robert MacNaughton: Robert MacNaughton is an executive leadership coach and facilitator who teaches about how to skillfully reconcile seemingly contradictory world-views in relationships, organization, and culture. Robert is an authority in the fields of Integral business, behavioral development, and experiential education. Robert focuses on supporting leaders with execution strategies, designing work culture, and navigating interpersonal conflict both personally and professionally.
Robert founded The Integral Center in Boulder, Colorado in association with renowned philosopher Ken Wilber. As its CEO, Robert managed five profit centers and supervised over 100 contractors, teachers, facilitators, and community leaders in over 25 cities globally
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Robert MacNaughton and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- The difference between relating and relationship.
- What integral theory is and how it relates in our lives and our relationships.
- The line of development that can be traced in our lives.
- Cultivating tools for your communication toolbox.
- The art and science of setting context.
- How partners experience conflict at different stages.
- Negotiating relationship between partners at different stages.
"Be on the lookout for your canaries in the coal mine." — Robert MacNaughton
Mentioned:
Twitter: @rmacnaughton
Website: IntegralCentered.com
The Daily Evolver: The First Church of the Integral
Forbes: Millennials, This Is What Your Quarter-Life Crisis Is Telling You
Emerge Podcast: Robert MacNaughton – Learnings from the Life and Death of the Integral Center
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
About Tobin Zivon: Tobin Zivon has been a love, intimacy and sacred sexuality coach for over two and a half decades.
The author of The Art of Mindful Living, Tobin helps groups, couples and individuals blossom to their highest potential. His brilliance shines most brightly when working with men, women and couples in the realms of love, intimacy and sacred sexuality. Tobin has been lovingly nicknamed the “couples whisperer” and has worked with thousands of individuals and couples to break through to a new, more fulfilling and connected love life.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Tobin Zivon and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How to unlock repetitive frustration patterns and power struggles in relationships.
- Why and how frustrating patterns start in the first place.
- The “divine design” present in 99% of relationships.
- Optimizing love and the two-step dance of embodying our true potential in the areas of love and intimacy.
- Being armed with the skillful means and tools to get at the root of ourselves and our relationships is the second step.
- The traumas and imprints within each of us and learning to live with and through them.
- Common frustrations of the masculine and feminine and how they play into each other.
- The surprising keys for dissolving power struggles (and what keeps them in place).
"If you have the capacity to, first and foremost, meet that [heat] with loving awareness – a willingness to feel - we are starting to drive a wedge into it in that moment. Any moment, any millisecond, that we are feeling, as opposed to letting it run the show or stuffing it down and pretending it doesn’t exist, then we are actually doing that alchemy; we are actually healing a part of our being that was imprinted from before this person who’s in front of us." — Tobin Zivon
Mentioned:
Facebook: Tobin Zivon
Website: TobinZivon.com & Relationship-Mastery-Secrets.com
Instagram: @tobinzivon
Book: The Art of Mindful Living
Book Reference: A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose – Eckhart Tolle
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
About Amy E. Smith: Amy E. Smith is a certified confidence coach, masterful speaker, and personal empowerment expert. Founder of TheJoyJunkie.com, Amy uses her roles as coach, writer, podcaster, and speaker to move individuals to a place of radical personal empowerment and self-love.
With acute focus on helping people “find their voice”, she is highly sought after for her uncommon style of irreverence, wisdom, and humor.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Amy E. Smith and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Common blocks to our happiness and joy.
- Ways to identify our feelings of “not enoughness.”
- Key approaches to experiencing self-love and inner worth.
- Emotions deliver valuable messages – they are not good or bad.
- Ways to develop and access new neuropathways to positive experiences.
- Changing how you see yourself takes massive repetition before it becomes the norm.
- It’s what you do “in the field” that makes a difference.
"It comes down to your beliefs about yourself, which then inform your self-talk. How you are speaking to yourself, that really does become your reality." — Amy E. Smith
Mentioned:
Twitter: @thejoyjunkie
Facebook: The Joy Junkie After Hours Club with Amy E. Smith
Website: TheJoyJunkie.com
FREE eWorkbook: Stand up for Yourself without Being a Dick
Instagram: @thejoyjunkie
Show: The Joy Junkie Show
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
About Lindsay Bryan-Podvin:Lindsay is a financial therapist dedicated to bringing couples the knowledge they need about personal finances to deepen their relationships. I'm passionate about helping couples feel at peace with their money. It's my mission to open up a dialogue with my clients to talk about their money beyond the dollars and cents so they can feel darn good about how their money is working for them.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Lindsay Bryan-Podvin and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- The importance of developing financial intimacy.
- How to negotiate differences around money.
- Budgeting does not equate to money talk.
- When to hit the therapy help button.
- Compassion and self-understanding are key to a healthy conversation around money.
- Financial anxiety can manifest into real, tangible financial problems if it's not addressed.
- Schedule frequent “money dates” to talk about your goals, needs and values.
- When each partner can lean into their natural strengths about money, both are empowered.
“Money dates are some of the sexiest dates you can have!” - Lindsay Bryan-Podvin
Mentioned:
Website: www.mindmoneybalance.com
Book: The Financial Anxiety Solution (to be released in 2020)
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/LindsayBryan-Podvin
Pinterest: mindmoneybalance
Instagram: mindmoneybalance
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
About Larry Bilotta: Married over 45 years in an age of divorce, Larry Bilotta is an authority on understanding people, marriage and relationships.
Larry lived 27 years in a marriage made in Hell, but in the 28th year, fell in love…with his wife! As one of the few marriage experts who actually transformed his OWN marriage, today, Larry holds the key to bringing a marriage back from the brink of divorce - even AFTER the papers have been filed.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Larry Bilotta and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- The hidden danger of becoming your parents.
- The conflict couples experience with old programs and the stories we tell ourselves.
- The destructive nature of the ego, that little voice inside your head.
- The importance of learning from pain rather than running away from it.
- Four steps of working with “against energy.”
- The importance of becoming the “Leader of Minds.”
"The sloppy start up period is not long if you are clear on your mission." — Larry Bilotta
Mentioned:
Twitter: @LarryBilotta
Facebook: Larry Bilotta
Website: YouCanSaveThisMarriage.com & ItOnlyTakesOneMan.com & ItOnlyTakesOneWoman.com
YouTube: Larry Bilotta
Chaos to Purpose Scale
Marriage Tornado
How to Experience More Love in your Relationship with Byron Katie
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
About Dr. Laura Louis: As a licensed psychologist, Dr. Laura Louis is a widely sought-after speaker specializing in helping couples press the reset button after infidelity. Her five-step training program, Marriage Matters, has helped couples reawaken their connection. Affectionately deemed the “Marriage Architect”, Dr. Louis gives couples the tools to build their marriages.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Laura Louis and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Chaos takes us out of peace and into a place of conflict and stress.
- The importance of gaining insight into your issue before bringing it to your partner.
- How using a gentle start-up can set the conversation up well.
- Couple’s therapy can bring an objective third party to guide a dialogue and bring tools to help solve something a couple can’t solve themselves.
- Having trusted advisors in your life that can help bring awareness to your part of the conflict that you may not initially see on your own.
- “Acknowledgment and change silences criticism.”
- Timing is key when talking about an issue with your significant other.
- Be mindful that your partner has a deep longing underneath their complaint.
- Get in touch with how much your partner's happiness matters to you.
- Learn strategies for creating healing conversations and being on the same page together.
"Try to hear the longing beyond the control and defensiveness." — Dr. Laura Louis
Mentioned:
Facebook: Dr Laura Louis
Website: AtlantaCoupleTherapy.com & Dr.LauraLouis.com
Instagram: @dr.lauralouis
YouTube: Dr. Laura Louis
LinkedIn: Dr. Laura Louis, Ph.D.
The After I Do Academy
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
About Dr. Laura Dabney: Dr. Laura Dabney has been a psychiatrist in Virginia Beach, VA for almost twenty years and has treated patients in more than a dozen cities across Virginia. Her psychiatric expertise has been featured on radio, podcasts, websites and in print media. She received her MD from Eastern Virginia Medical School and has been Board Certified in Psychiatry. She has made a career of taking on psychiatry’s toughest challenges all while ensuring the absolute privacy of powerful, high-profile patients.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Laura Dabney and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How difficult it can be to identify our emotions.
- How we make our emotions the enemy.
- The three top emotions that we have trouble with.
- How to change a destructive relationship pattern.
- A template for expressing our emotions.
- How to not accept any inappropriate behavior from your partner.
- How to encourage change in your partner.
- How to repair grief from past injury.
"If you change the pattern, the pattern has changed. You don’t need two people in the room to change the pattern." — Dr. Laura Dabney
Mentioned:
Instagram: @lauradabneycom
Facebook: Laura F. Dabney, MD
Website: DrLDabney.com & LauraDabney.com
Phone: 757-695-3925
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
About David Wood: After life as a consulting actuary to Fortune 100 Companies, David built the one of the world's largest coaching businesses, becoming #1 on Google for “life coaching.”
David Wood believes the tough conversations we avoid are our doorways to confidence, success, and even love – in both work and life. David coaches high performing entrepreneurs, executives and teams - even prison inmates - to amazing results AND connection. One conversation at a time.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, David Wood and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- What is considered a Tough Conversation.
- The benefits of having Tough Conversations and the dangers of sweeping them under the rug.
- Why David is so passionate about the practice of having Tough Conversations
- How people typically deal with having Tough Conversations.
- Examples of Tough Conversations that people tend to avoid in relationships.
- The Four Steps for having a Tough Conversation.
"The real benefit [of having a tough conversation] is how good it feels, and how much I like myself more by speaking up and being expressed." — David Wood
Mentioned:
Website: PlayForReal.Life
Show: Tough Conversations Podcast with David Wood
YouTube: Tough Conversations with David Wood
Four Step Blueprint for Tough Conversations
Book Reference: Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love & Fulfilling Relationships by Greg Baer
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
About Dr. Marcus Warner: A conference speaker and author who has spent over thirty years helping people and organizations navigate some of life's toughest challenges. As the president of Deeper Walk International he has helped develop dozens of resources that deal with recovery, leadership, and family life.
About Chris M. Coursey: The president of THRIVEtoday, a non-profit focusing on training leaders and communities in the nineteen skills that make relationships work. Chris is an ordained minister, pastoral counselor, published author, curriculum designer and international speaker.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Marcus Warner, Chris Coursey, and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- We live in a low -joy culture, and a lot of people come from low-joy families. That effects so many things in life.
- Joy is accessible. Your brain is wired for joy.
- Joy is contagious – we don’t dismiss the negative aspects, but we can amplify the positive and the joy in every day.
- Navigating the Joy Gap with PLAN – Play together, Listening for Emotion, Appreciating Daily, Nurture a Rhythm).
- Ways to build play in your relationship.
- The practice of appreciation is the fastest way to grow your joy center, and to bond with another.
"If you can affect the home, and affect what’s going on the marriage, then you’re going to be able to have a greater impact overall." — Dr. Marcus Warner
Mentioned:
Facebook: Deeper Walk International & THRIVEtoday
Website: HappyHappyMarriage.org & DeeperWalkInternational.org & ThriveToday.org
Book: The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
About Rabbi Manis Friedman: World-renowned author, counselor, lecturer and philosopher, Rabbi Manis Friedman uses ancient wisdom and modern wit as he captivates audiences around the country and the world. Rabbi Friedman started an organization called “It’s Good to Know” which reaches thousands of people every month through his online classes and events.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Rabbi Manis Friedman and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Functional marriages versus intimate marriages.
- Love doesn’t bond you, it separates you, because love is a personal experience.
- The difference between sex and intimacy.
- The harm of pornography and its pervasiveness in society.
- The essence of marriage is giving and receiving.
- Addressing tension points to build intimacy and trust.
- Only getting married if you believe in marriage and are in it forever.
- What home should feel like, regardless of moods.
*"The thing that is ruining marriages today is love – love has become toxic, and love cannot hold a relationship together, it wasn’t meant to. Being in love does not mean you’re in a good relationship, it means you found some pleasure in your life." — Rabbi Manis Friedman
Mentioned:
Twitter: @ManisFriedman
Facebook: Rabbi Manis Friedman
Website: ItsGoodToKnow.org
Instagram: @rabbimanisfriedman
Books: The Joy of Intimacy: A Soulful Guide to Love, Sexuality, & Marriage & Doesn’t Anyone Blush Anymore?
Show: Ideas that Change the World…
YouTube: Rabbi Manis Friedman
LinkedIn: Manis Friedman
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.*
About Robert Kandell: Robert Kandell is an interpersonal communication expert, speaker, podcaster and the author of the bestselling book, unHIDDEN: A Book for Men and Those Confused by Them. Since 2002, Robert’s mission has been to help people find themselves and use their internal power to live their best lives. He is the host of the podcast, Tuff Love, where he puts his compassionate, hard-hitting insight to work helping people move forward in their lives with clarity.
In this episode, Robert Kandell and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- The journey of becoming “unhidden” and living with more purpose and authenticity.
- People are moved by inspiration or by desperation
- The markers of living a “hidden” life.
- How to engage and step into more of your potential.
- Why this is the best time to be a man
- How “being a man” has changed in recent decades, and how it has stayed the same
- A framework for creating change in your life
"There’s so much potential to be the best party in town, so if men will get off the couches, let go of Netflix, stop watching porn, it could be the best time to be a man." — Robert Kandell
Mentioned:
Twitter: @Robertkandell
Facebook: Tuff Love with Robert Kandell & Robert Kandell
Website: RobertKandell.com
Book: unHIDDEN: A Book for Men and Those Confused by Them
Show: Tuff Love
YouTube: The unHidden Path with Robert Kandell
LinkedIn: Robert Kandell
Instagram: @robert.kandell
Pinterest: Kandell Consulting
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
About Dr. Lonnie Barbach:
Dr. Lonnie Barbach, a clinical-social psychologist, was co-director of clinical training at UCSF medical centers sexuality program and is currently in private practice. She has received numerous awards for her work on sexuality and has written a dozen books on relationships, sexuality and menopause. Her best-known books include: For Yourself, The Erotic Edge, The Pause and Going the Distance, co-authored with her partner, David Geisinger, Ph.D. She is also cofounder of Happy Couple a relationship game app designed to enhance a couple’s communication and satisfaction.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Lonnie Barbach and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- Dr. Barbach’s work in enabling couples to create a safe and intimate relationship without a mediator.
- Being able to talk about your feelings, not just your thoughts.
- Withholding feelings and power imbalances.
- The unique sexual being that is each individual person.
- Prioritizing the bond and relationship.
- The evolution of sexuality and relationships and life.
- Creativity and unique expression in sexuality and relationships.
"Safety has a lot to do with feeling sexual." — Dr. Lonnie Barbach
Mentioned:
Website: LonnieBarbach.com
App: HappyCouple.co
Books: For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality
For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy
The Pause: Positive Approaches to Perimenopause and Menopause
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
In this episode, Dr. Dain Heer and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- What a gentleman is and what it means to be a holistic you.
- Masculinity and how it appears in relationships.
- The masculine and feminine traits that we all possess and embracing them in our lives.
- How to look at the judgments, rules, and expectations we live by and work with them, so that you can connect with what is truly you.
- Getting present with the secrets within yourself – “today’s secret is tomorrow’s lie.”
- The five elements to intimacy.
- Living your life without judgment and with gratitude, honoring, joy, and allowance.
"When you first get together, you will see them not through the eyes of judgment, but through the eyes of possibility." — Dr. Dain Heer
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
About Dr. Dain Heer: Dain Heer is a popular speaker, author and inviter to greatness and consciousness. Originally raised in the ghettos of Los Angeles and trained as a chiropractor, Dr Heer is also the co-founder of a diverse range of businesses around the world. A conscious and creative thought leader with a profound understanding of the power of personal creation, Dr. Heer draws upon his background and unique perspective to facilitate positive change in the world, and empower people from every culture, country, age and social strata to create the money, relationships and life they truly desire.
Mentioned:
Twitter: @dr_dainheer
Facebook: Dr. Dain Heer
Website: ReturnoftheGentleman.com & DrDainHeer.com & AccessConsciousness.com
Book: Return of the Gentleman
YouTube: Dain Heer
LinkedIn: Dr. Dain Heer
Instagram: @dainheer
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Several listeners have posed the question “How do I get my partner to go to therapy?” Or “How do I get my partner to go to therapy with me?“
Today, I am going to give you some guidelines to consider when approaching this conversation with your significant other.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
DISCUSSED IN THIS EPISODE: * How difficult it is to watch someone you love hurting, in pain, and struggling. * Or how painful it is to want to get support with your partner and they are resistant to the process. * An important consideration to remember when thinking about your partner (and what they are going through) and the whole relationship dynamic. * Questions to ask yourself before starting the conversation with your partner. * Ways to get clear on the frame or intention of the conversation. * Eleven recommendations to consider as you navigate this vulnerable conversation. * Guidelines to help you stay focused on a productive conversation. * Tips around what to watch out for and common pitfalls.
MENTIONED: * ERP 181: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN MY RELATIONSHIP IS OVER? (Podcast) * ERP 036: HOW TO OFFER THE GIFT OF LISTENING (Podcast) * ERP 154: HOW TO GET RELATIONAL SUPPORT WHEN DEALING WITH ILLNESS & CHRONIC PAIN WITH DR. JACKIE BLACK (Podcast) * ERP 109: HOW BEING GENTLE WITH YOUR PARTNER CAN MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE (Podcast) * Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash (photo credit)
CONNECT WITH DR. JESSICA HIGGINS: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email:jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
TRANSCRIPT: ERP 182: HOW TO ENCOURAGE YOUR PARTNER TO GO TO THERAPY [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO? Unfortunately, there may come a point in relationship, where we are in enough distress, discontent and disconnect, that we question our relationship or marriage.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
DISCUSSED IN THIS EPISODE: * Four relationship dealbreakers (in general) that extremely difficult to overcome. * Often, we need to say no to unhealthy patterns, to take a stand for health and connection. * When saying “no,” we are saying no to the behavior or dynamic, not our partner. * Life can feel complicated with various stressors (i.e., financial and career stress, parenting and family issues, health and mental health issues,, etc), and it can be difficult to have clarity on the root issues. * 11 areas of relationship dysfunction to consider when evaluating the health of your relationship. * Ultimately, you have to make a decision. No one can tell you what is right. Do your best to get clear and aligned in your own body, heart, mind and gut.
MENTIONED: * ERP 165: HOW TO MANAGE SUBSTANCE ABUSE ISSUES AND RECOVERY IN RELATIONSHIP – DR. ROBERT NAVARRA (Podcast) * ERP 175: HOW TO HEAL FROM AN AFFAIR – AN INTERVIEW WITH SCOTT WOOLLEY (Podcast) * ERP 104: HOW CAN INFIDELITY MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP STRONGER?(Podcast) * ERP 149: 4 THINGS TO CONSIDER WHEN YOU ARE UNCERTAIN ABOUT A DECISION (Podcast) * ERP 125: HOW KINDNESS CAN STRENGTHEN YOUR LOVE (Podcast) * ERP 128: HOW KINDNESS CAN STRENGTHEN YOUR LOVE – PART TWO(Podcast) * ERP 129: HOW KINDNESS CAN STRENGTHEN YOUR LOVE – PART THREE(Podcast) * ERP 130: HOW KINDNESS CAN STRENGTHEN YOUR LOVE – PART FOUR(Podcast) * ERP 131: HOW KINDNESS CAN STRENGTHEN YOUR LOVE – PART FIVE(Podcast) * ERP 001: TURNING CONFUSION INTO CLARITY (WHEN YOU ARE FEELING STUCK IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP) (Podcast) * Photo by Megan Menegay on Unsplash (photo credit)
CONNECT WITH DR. JESSICA HIGGINS: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email:jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST GABRIELLE USATYNSKI:
Gabrielle Usatynski, MA, is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Power Couples Counseling in Boulder, CO. She has been in private practice since 2008 and specializes in couples therapy. She is trained in PACT (a Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy).
Gabrielle has been named 2018 and 2019 Best Marriage Counselor of Louisville by the Louisville Awards Program. She teaches a masterclass on personality disorders in couples therapy to other clinicians in the Boulder area.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
IN THIS EPISODE, GABRIELLE USATYNSKY AND DR. JESSICA HIGGINS DISCUSS:
- What it means for a person to have a personality disorder.
- How a personality disorder develops.
- The evolution of our understanding of personality disorders over time.
- Mistakes we tend to make when trying to learn if our partner has a personality disorder.
- What to keep in mind when looking for a good partner and what to focus on when developing a quality relationship.
- How to have a good relationship with someone who has a personality disorder.
“We don’t do things differently with people who have personality disorders than we do with people who don’t. We’re still holding the same container for people to create relationships that are based on safety and security, that are based on distress relief, fostering each other’s wellbeing, boosting each other’s self-esteem – these types of principles that couples can subscribe to, because we know that’s what makes relationships work.” — Gabrielle Usatynsky
Change occurs … “when they choose to commit to something greater than themselves, and that is the relationship.” — Gabrielle Usatynsky
CONNECT WITH GABRIELLE USATYNSKI, MA:
Website: PowerCouplesCounseling.com
Book: How to Stop Stressful Fights with Your Partner
MENTIONED:
- Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, by Dr. Stan Tatkin
CONNECT WITH DR. JESSICA HIGGINS:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email:jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
In this episode, Bento Leal and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- How Bento got involved in the field of relationship skills.
- Some of the biggest problems in interpersonal communication.
- The 4 Keys to Effective Communication.
- The number one skill for everyone.
- It’s not just about receiving information, it’s about getting where the other person is coming from, especially on an emotional topic.
- Listen all the way through, don’t get defense or take it as an attack to try and hurt you.
- There are listening rules and speaking rules, which all start with an undercurrent of respect.
- When kids can see their parents talk about things in a skillful way, they will feel safe and see that their parents are able to work things out.
"Nurture your relationship garden. Each relationship is its own garden.” — Bento Leal
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
About Bento Leal: Bento Leal is a Relationships Skills Trainer and Bestselling Author who has taught marriage and relationship skills classes and parenting skills classes to more than 2500 couples and singles at family resource centers, community organizations, churches, substance abuse recovery programs, county jails and federal prison.
In 2017, he published his first book “4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work—Anywhere!” It continues to be an Amazon Best Seller in several categories and has sold more than 40,000 copies.
Mentioned:
Website: BentoLeal.com
Email: Bento@BentoLeal.com
Book: 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work – Anywhere!
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Last week’s episode (177), I discussed how difficult it can be when feeling distressed, threatened, and reactive to engage in comfort with a significant other.
As one of my clients puts so well “Why would I want comfort from you, when you are they one that is causing me pain!”
Many of us did not get the experience of having comfort when we were young. Thus, we developed ways to deal with it, but more importantly, we don’t have an internal system that we can trust to turn towards comfort and soothing in relationship.
In episode 177, I offered some of the research to help give some general guidance in how to offer comfort.
It is worth noting that there are typically some gender differences to consider, when offering comfort.
Here is an article that might be helpful when contemplating how to offer comfort to a man: How to Comfort a Man, Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC
For women, I would point to the tips mentioned in episode 177:
- Accept and listen to your partner.
- Understand the hurt.
- Be with the pain.
- Offer reflection and validation.
- Offer care and help.
- Show remorse, if appropriate.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
Today, we are going to explore how to offer comfort to your partner in ways that are specific and unique to them.
DISCUSSED IN THIS EPISODE (REFERENCING WIRED FOR LOVE, BY DR. STAN TATKIN): * The importance of learning what comfort feels like for your partner. * How to become an expert on your partner. * Learning ways to lift up, reassure, and comfort when your partner is feeling vulnerable. * Knowing your specific vulnerabilities. * Knowing your partner’s specific vulnerabilities. * Knowing the antidotes to your vulnerabilities * Knowing the antidotes to their vulnerabilities.
In successful relationships,“Both partners seem to have read and carefully studied the owner’s manual for their relationship and for each other.” by Dr. Stan Tatkin
MENTIONED: * ERP 177: How to offer Comfort to Your Significant Other (podcast) * Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, by Dr. Stan Tatkin * How to Comfort a Man, Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC * ERP 068: What Women Really Want…Really! With Dr. Kathryn Foster (podcast) * Relationship Map (opt-in download) * Dr. Susan Johnson (website) * Dr. John Gottman (website) * Photo by Yuri Levin on Unsplash
CONNECT WITH DR. JESSICA HIGGINS: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Discussed In This Episode: * During stress, ways we get it wrong when we try to comfort our partner. * How offering physical and emotional closeness is one of the most powerful ways to offer comfort. * Ways to provide physical closeness (i.e. hugging, holding, sitting close). * General ways to offer emotional closeness: * 1. Accept and listen to your partner. * 2. Understand the hurt. * 3. Be with the pain. * 4. Offer reflection and validation. * 5. Offer care and help. * 6. Show remorse, if appropriate.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) Mentioned: * ERP 176: How to Give and Receive Influence – an Interview with Dr. Keith Witt (podcast) * Relationship Map (opt-in download) * Dr. Susan Johnson (website) * Dr. John Gottman (website) * Photo by Gus Moretta on Unsplash
Connect With Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
Transcript:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
In This Episode, Dr. Keith Witt And Dr. Jessica Higgins Discuss:
- Understanding intersubjectivity – the unique space that exists between two people.
- Recognizing the powerful impact and influence of our emotional states on each other in relationship.
- Learning how to manage and shift out of reactive, defensive, and negative states and how to amplify positive states.
- Attending to the three foundations of a relationship; tending to your friendship, love affair, and capacity to heal injuries.
- Love can work between almost any human being if they’re willing to learn how to cultivate positive, effective states with each other and regulate the negative states.
“In general, what characterizes a happy couple is that mostly they have positive states towards each other; they’re mostly influencing each other with positive emotions.” – Keith Witt
Mentioned:
- ERP 093: HOW THE “SHADOW” INFLUENCES OUR GROWTH IN LIFE AND IN RELATIONSHIP WITH DR. KEITH WITT (podcast)
- ERP 050: EXPLORING LOVE & CONSCIOUS EVOLUTION WITH DR. KEITH WITT (podcast)
- Shadow Light: Illuminations at the Edge of Darkness (book)
- Integral Mindfulness: From Clueless to dialed In (book)
- The Attuned Family: How To Be a Great Parent To Your Kids and a Great Lover To Your Spouse (book)
- Sessions:: All Therapy Supports Relationships Integrating Towards Unity (book)
- The Gift of Shame: Why We Need Shame and How To Use it To Love and Grow (book)
- Waking Up: Psychotherapy as Art, Spirituality,
And Science(book) - Loving Completely: A Five Star Practice for Creating Great Relationships (book)
- Dr. Keith Witt – A Five Star Practice for Creating Beautiful Relationships (TEDxAmericanRiviera)
- Two rules for guys: Dr. Keith Witt (TEDxAmericanRiviera)
- 100 reasons not to have the secret affair: Keith Witt(TEDxAmericanRiviera)
Connect With Dr. Keith Witt:
Website: www.drkeithwitt.com
Books: amazon.com/Keith-Witt
Connect With Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
Transcript:
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 176: How to Give and Receive Influence – an Interview with Dr. Keith Witt
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins and Dr. Scott Woolley discuss:
- Understanding the motivating factors of an affair and trusting it won’t happen again.
- The internal working models of attachment about who we are, who other people are, and how we relate to them.
- The destructive impacts of taking revenge, public shaming, and waiting to make significant decisions.
Key Takeaways:
- The three motivating factors for affairs are a reaction to what’s going on or an attempt to change the relationship; protest or revenge; and relationship burnout.
- When talking to your partner about their pain and you are expressing genuine remorse over the suffering they are experiencing, you are with them at a fundamental level, and that starts the healing process.
- If people want to go through the process to save their relationship, it’s possible, but it will take a lot of dedicated time and work for both partners, but it can be accomplished.
"Don’t give up on healing your relationship; it’s possible that your relationship can be better than it has ever been." - Scott Woolley
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss; please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Connect with Dr. Scott Woolley:
Website: www.drscottwoolley.com
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
Audio production by Turnkey Podcast Productions. You're the expert. Your podcast will prove it.
Guest Byron Katie:
In 1986, at the bottom of a ten-year spiral into depression, rage, and self-loathing, Byron Katie woke up one morning to a state of constant joy that has never left her. She realized that when she believed her stressful thoughts, she suffered, but that when she questioned them, she didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Her simple yet powerful process of inquiry is called The Work.
The Work consists of four questions and the turnarounds, which are a way of experiencing the opposite of what you believe. When you question a thought, you see around it to the choices beyond suffering.
Katie has been bringing The Work to millions of people for more than thirty years. Her public events, weekend workshops, five-day intensives, nine-day School for The Work, and 28-day residential Turnaround House have brought freedom to people all over the world.
Byron Katie’s books include the bestselling Loving What Is, I Need Your Love—Is That True?, A Thousand Names for Joy, and A Mind at Home with Itself. For more information, visit thework.com.
In this episode, Bryon Katie and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:
- The source of suffering is often what you are thinking and believing in any situation.
- Our judgments come between connection.
- The Work is a self-inquiry process to identify your thoughts, thinking, and believing; and then to question them through the Four Questions and Turnarounds.
- Our ego takes over our lives when are being our thoughts and thinking without self-inquiry.
- The Work is a meditative process, which includes getting still and getting in touch with your fullter experience.
- It takes courage to question our thinking, thoughts, and believing, to see our part, and look at ourselves from a different perspective.
- We are more powerful that what we are thinking or believing.
- The Work calls on us to take responsibility for our actions, thinking and life.
- The Work allows us to wake up to our true reality of our nature.
Takeaways:
- With The Work, we can heal ourselves, and when we meet the next human being, we are more aware and enlightened to ourselves.
- There may only be six questions on the worksheet. However, it may take a week, or it might take two weeks, but go deeply.
- The Work is an inquiry; it’s a way to identify the thought that you’re thinking and believing in an actual situation in the past or situations that you imagine will happen in the future. The situations that you may fear or dread.
"If I can get free, then anyone can get free, it’s a process. We either believe our thoughts, or we question them, there is no other choice." — Byron Katie
Mentioned:
- Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet (Byron Katie’s website) Scroll down to the bottom or the page. You can also find the “One-Belief-at-a-Time Worksheet” as well.
- Byron Katie’s story (website - about page)
- The Work (website)
- Byron Katie’s events (website)
- Loving What Is (book) (please use this hyperlink)
-
I Need Your Love—Is That True? (book) (please use this hyperlink)
-
A Thousand Names for Joy (book) (please use this hyperlink)
-
A Mind at Home with Itself (book) (please use this hyperlink)
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss; please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Referenced Documents:
The Work Worksheet
Connect with Byron Katie:
Twitter: @ByronKatie
Facebook: facebook.com/theworkofbyronkatie
Website: thework.com
Book: thework.com/books
YouTube: youtube.com/Thework
Instagram: instagram.com/byron.katie
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
Guest David Emerald :
David Emerald Womeldorff is the Creator-in-Chief of the 3 Vital Questions® leadership frameworks proven to powerfully boost teamwork and productivity. Thousands of people and organizations have achieved breakthroughs by applying his self-leadership techniques and attending his seminars worldwide. David and his wife and business partner Donna Zajonc (sajon) MCC have developed the frameworks that form the basis of the engaging workplace fable, 3 Vital Questions:Transforming Workplace Drama.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins and David Emerald discuss:
- Understanding the Drama Triangle and the three roles involved.
- The distinction between victimization and victimhood.
- Learning the Empowerment Dynamic and the three roles.
- The opposite of a victim position is a creator position.
- How telling a person that they are acting as a victim will trigger reactivity.
- Within the Drama Triangle, we focus on the problem. Within the Empowerment Dynamic, the focus is on the desired outcome.
Key Takeaways:
- The three roles in the Drama Triangle are victim, challenger, and rescuer.
- The antidote to the Drama Triangle roles is the Empowerment Dynamic roles, creator, persecutor, and helper.
- It’s natural to look at a problem and try to solve the problem. When the intention and the focus on the issue, it can spin us into this very hopeless, not empowered, lack of control place.
- The way we can escape the drama triangle is by shifting our focus to what we want to experience. For example,“What is it that we really want?”
"A problem is rarely ever solved from within the victim orientation." — David Emerald
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss; please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
Referenced Episodes:
156 What Happens When You Feel Like A Victim In Relationship
157 How to Shift Out of The Victim Position
Links Mentioned:
- Power of TED (The Empowerment Dynamic): 10th Anniversary Edition (book)
- 3 Vital Questions (website)
- Power of Ted (website)
- Power of Ted Workshop
Connect with David Emerald:
Twitter: @powerofted
Facebook: David Emerald The Power of TED
Website: powerofted.com & 3vitalquestions.com
Pinterest: pinterest.com/powerofted
YouTube: The Power of TED
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/company
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:
Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship
Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins
Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts
Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins
Twitter: @DrJessHiggins
Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com
In episode ERP 171, I read a listener’s question and I shared some examples of different types of manipulative behavior. I also offered the first 2 tips on how to deal with manipulative behavior in relationship. If you missed it, I encourage you to check it out.
To recap, the first two tips of How To Deal With Manipulative Behavior:
1. Identify The Manipulative Behavior
2. Focus On Your Power, Strength, And Goodness
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
HOW TO DEAL WITH MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR (4 OF 6): 3. Work on Differentiating:
“The ability to balance our needs for autonomy and attachment is called differentiation. Differentiation is a scientific process that occurs in all species. For humans, it is about becoming more of a unique individual and a solid person through relationships with others.” by Dr. David Schnarch
- Dr. David Schnarch’s 4 Points of Balance:
- Solid flexible self
- Quiet mind and calm heart
- Grounded responding
- Meaningful Endurance
- Use visualization techniques to help yourself.
“I can’t tell you how many clients have said, when they’re in their 20s or 30s: ‘You know, when I looked at my dad, I realized I’m a foot taller than him.’ And it was a revelation because they still felt so much littler. So being able to reverse that and recognize, ‘Oh, I’m starting to feel small now, but wait a minute — I’m not,’ can be helpful.” Because, he says, “that’s the point of it. That’s how people manipulate. They make you feel small because that gives them more power.” by Dr. Dan Neuharth
4. Set Limits and Boundaries:
- Know your options. For example, “If this happens, then I will do xyz.”
- Use time as a resource. Don’t feel pressured to respond to any on-the-spot request.
- Learn to say “no” diplomatically but firmly. Speaking the truth with tact.
- Have an honest and open conversation, with support if needed.
- Create some distance, if the person is unwilling to work with you.
5. Deal with Grief and Loss:
- Accepting that the person may not change.
- Deal with the limitations of the relationship.
- Grieve not having the relationship you hoped for, imagined, or longed for.
6. Hold a Mirror:
- In the article, “How to Recognize and Handle Manipulative Relationship,” by Preston Ni, he described this concept of “holding a mirror” up to someone who may be making an unreasonable request.
- Put the focus back on them using probing questions.
- Reflect back the request and look at it together. Hopefully, the person will see the inequity of their request and reconsider.
MENTIONED: * ERP 171: HOW TO DEAL WITH MANIPULATION IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast) * How to Recognize and Handle Manipulative Relationship, by Preston Ni (article) * The Crucible 4 Points of Balance, by Dr. David Schnarch (article) * ERP 135: HOW TO HANDLE GRIEF AND LOSS IN RELATIONSHIP – PART ONE (podcast) * ERP 136: HOW TO HANDLE GRIEF AND LOSS IN RELATIONSHIP – PART TWO (podcast) * ERP 169: WHAT TO DO WHEN DEPRESSION TAKES HOLD IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP – DR. SUSAN HEITLER (podcast) * ERP 110: HOW TO MANAGE TWO MAJORLY CONFLICTING NEEDS IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast) * Intimacy & Desire (book) * Passionate Marriage (book) * Photo by Sebastian Pichler on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you! ❤
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: “First of all, thank you so much for doing the podcast. I have been learning so much about relationships and how to better improve my own. My question is about family and parents.
Some background on my situation. I have told my very religious parents that I am moving out of the house. My boyfriend and I have found a place together and decided that our next step in our very committed relationship is to live together. I am 30 years old.
My parents (mostly my mother) had a fit. She went on and on about how I am not “doing things the right way” and that she and everyone in her family disapproves. I told her that I was confident in my decision and I understand that she will not approve, but it is my decision. I also told her I never meant to hurt her. She has been crying and posting a lot of religious content on her social media. She’s also been posting sad photos of her looking upset.
I see that this is emotional manipulation and this is something I have had to deal with my whole life, hence the final push to move and get some space from my family.
So my question is, what is the best way to deal with emotional manipulative parents? “
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
MANIPULATION: WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? Manipulation is the act of trying to get someone to do something consciously or subconsciously.
At what point do we call behavior persuasive/influential or manipulative?
There is a range from having a healthy influence to toxic manipulation, and it is a matter of degrees. For example:
- Someone arguing their perspective and trying to get their partner to see their side.
- Or a teenager who wants to go out on a school night and is trying to convince his parents into letting him go out.
- Or an attorney who is attempting to persuade the jury in a particular direction.
The line is usually crossed when a person is using guilt, force, or power to control someone else.
Unfortunately, people often resort to control tactics when they are scared and afraid. They don’t trust that someone will engage with them in a safe way, so they get aggressive, pushy, and critical. Or even worse, they use mental distortion and emotional exploitation to gain power and control.
When people grow up in particularly unhealthy and painful environments, they often learn to cope in dysfunctional ways. When these patterns take hold in more extreme cases, people can develop personality disorders and mental health issues.
TYPES OF MANIPULATION: In the article, 12 Failures of Highly Manipulative People,
by Preston Ni, he offers several types of manipulation. Here are a few (please read the article for more information):
- “Negative Manipulation. Designed to gain superiority by causing the victim to feel inferior, inadequate, insecure, and/or self-doubting.
- Positive Manipulation. Designed to bribe the victim emotionally to win favors, concessions, sacrifices, and/or commitments.
- Deception and Intrigue. Designed to distort the perception of the victim for easier control.
- Strategic Helplessness. Designed to exploit the victim’s good will, guilty conscience, sense of duty and obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct.
- Hostility and Abuse. Designed to dominate and control the victim through overt aggression.” by Preston Ni
HOW TO DEAL WITH MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR (2 OF 6): 1. Identify The Manipulative Behavior:
- If something feels annoying, icky, or uncomfortable during an interaction, there is probably a good reason. If you reacting, feeling guilty, defensive, etc. you are caught in the manipulation.
- Write out the interaction. This will help you identify the manipulation. Then, you can get more perspective and look at the dynamic more objectively.
- Naming it to tame it.
- With more clarity, you will be better able to deal with the manipulative behavior differently in the future.
2. Focus On Your Power, Strength, And Goodness
- Identify your intention.
- Recognize your rights, (to be treated with respect, to have your own thoughts, feelings, and preference, a right to make choices, a right to say ‘no” without feeling guilt).
- Know your needs.
- Work on your self-esteem. Improve your self-image. Recognize your worth, goodness, and strengths.
Stay tuned for the next episode for the next four tips.
MENTIONED: * 12 Failures of Highly Manipulative People, by Preston Ni (article) * ERP 015: DO YOU HAVE A “UNITY” OR “JOURNEY” MINDSET IN RELATIONSHIP? (podcast) * ERP 162: HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE WITH A NARCISSIST AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT – DR. LISA FIRESTONE (podcast) * ERP 121: HOW TO GET AN UNSUPPORTIVE PARENT ONBOARD (podcast) * Photo by Nadine Shaabana on Unsplash (photo credit)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you! ❤
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
If you missed part one and part two, I encourage you to check these episodes out first as it gives to the foundation for today’s conversation.
In a relationship, it is easy to focus on what our partner is doing that isn’t working or is problematic. Yet, at the same time, we often overlook the ways in which we contribute to the problematic pattern.
How often do we ask the question, “How lovable am I being right now?“
In part one and part two, we discussed tips 1 through 7. Today we will address tips number 8 through 14.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
HOW TO BE MORE LOVABLE – PART THREE 8. Be Authentic, Genuine and Sincere
- The word “authentic’ and the word “author” come from the same origin.
- If you have the tendency to please your partner, you run the risk of losing yourself.
- Do your best to take a moment and connect with what is true for you before discussing options with your partner.
9. Be Values-Driven, which Promotes Personal Integrity
- Know what your highest values are in your life (i.e. making a difference, health, family, security, fun, relationship, etc.). This will help you prioritize what matters most for you in your life, even when it might not be easy, convenient or fun.
- Do your best to follow through with your agreements, and when you run into an issue, renegotiate the agreement with your partner.
- Consistency over time builds trust.
- Be accountable to yourself.
10. Set Boundaries
- When you are authentic and connect to your values, your boundaries will be much more clear.
- Having boundaries helps you show up more fully with your partner.
- Setting limits helps your partner know, love and care for you more.
- Each person’s needs are equally important in the relationship.
11. Listen, Deeply Listen
- Listening sounds basic enough, but so often we get wrapped up in a “me, me, me” attitude without even realizing it.
- Deeply listening offers a huge gift to your partner, where they can feel heard and seen.
12. Communicate
-
Communicating positive things and in a positive way is important for the warmth and connection in your relationship (i.e. sharing the good news, expressing positive regard with kind eye contact and smiles).
-
Slow down. Be present.
- Allow your partner to have an influence on you.
- Start-up a difficult conversation in a gentle way.
- Identify, acknowledge, and share your feelings.
- Check out assumptions, worries, and fears.
13. Be Grateful
- Being in a state of gratitude is thought to be one of the highest vibrational states.
- Cultivate gratitude.
- Develop a practice that helps you remember to be present to what is good and valuable in your life.
14. Keep It Fresh
- Change it up. Do something unexpected,
- Learn something new together.
- Change and learning give you and your partner an immediate feel-good neurochemical boost.
- Be creative and get outside of your comfort zone.
MENTIONED: * EPR 167: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship (podcast) * ERP 168: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship – Part Two (podcast) * Time Warrior, by Steve Chandler (book) * Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch (book) * Intimacy & Desire, by David Schnarch (book) * How to stop screwing yourself over by Mel Robbins (Ted Talk) * Dr, Dan Seigal (website) * Playback Theatre (website) * Photo by Savs on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT:
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you! ❤
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST: DR. SUSAN HEITLER Susan Heitler PhD is a Denver clinical psychologist and widely-read author. Educated at Harvard and NYU, Susan Heitler offers self-help information for individuals and for couples. Dr. Heitler also writes for therapists, offering new understandings and treatments for anxiety, anger, depression, narcissism, and relationship challenges. Dr. Heitler’s web-page provides an overview with links to 40+ years of books. blog posts, articles, podcasts, videos, webinars, online marriage education program, and more. Dr. Susan Heitler has earned a national and international reputation as one of America’s leading psychologists.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
DEPRESSION: “What triggers depression is feeling powerless and giving up on something you want.” by Dr. Susan Heitler
- Emotions get manifested in the body by physical changes.
- What triggers emotion is important.
- Depression is a disorder of power.
- There is a continuum of depression (going from being down or blue to having little ability to function and having suicidal ideation).
- Get help if you or your partner are experiencing severe depression through the way of a therapist and psychiatrist.
BUMP MODEL: * Challenges in life are the bumps in the road. * How you respond to the bump in the road helps determine what you experience going forward.
3 P’S PRESCRIPTION FOR DEALING WITH DEPRESSION: * Pinpoint. Figure out the trigger. What is the bump in the road? * Pump up. Take a deep breath. Take a power pose. Imagine yourself getting bigger and taller. * Problem solve. Think of solutions from a much more empowered position.
TWO QUESTIONS TO TEST FOR DEPRESSION: * After pinpointing the issue, ask yourself “Do you feel small compared to the other person or other thing involved?” * Are you engaging in the negative cognitive triad (thinking negatively about self, others, and the future)?
HOW COUPLES CAN DEAL WITH DEPRESSION: * Share concerns. * Listen to concerns. * Aim for win/win solutions.
ENJOY ANTIDOTES FOR DEPRESSION TOGETHER: * Sunshine. * Music. * Nature. * Activity.
HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR PARTNER’S BAD MOOD: * If you want to help your partner, don’t assume what they need. Ask. Ask your partner “What helps and what doesn’t help?” * If your partner is in a negative space, you may want to go do a separate activity to create some space (where you can experience positivity). Then, maybe your partner can join your positive mood, rather than you joining your partner’s negative mood. * Don’t take your partner’s irritability and anger. * Create safety together for talking about what is going on.
Engaging in a relationship well requires maturity and skill.
MENTIONED:
- Lift Depression With These 3 Prescriptions- Without-Pills | Susan Heitler | TEDxWilmington (Video)
- Prescriptions Without Pills (Website)
- 5 Realities About Depression That Make It Highly Contagious, by Dr. Susan Heitler (Article)
- Therapy Help (Website)
- The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong and Loving Marriage (Book)
- The Power of Two Workbook: Communication Skills for a Strong & Loving Marriage (Book)
- Prescriptions Without Pills: For Relief from Depression, Anger, Anxiety, and More (Book)
- Conflict Resolution for Couples (Podcast episode)
- Depression: A Disorder of Power (Podcast episode)
- Dr. Susan Heitler on Psychology Today (Webpage)
- Power of Two (Website)
TRANSCRIPT:
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you! ❤
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
PART-ONE RECAP:
In episode 167, part one, we explored the human tendency to focus on what our partner is doing that isn’t working or is problematic. While this is a natural tendency, we are overlooking the ways in which we might be contributing to the pattern of disconnect.
How often do we ask the question, “How lovable am I being right now?“
Easier said than done. There are many things that get in the way of acting in ways that set-up a positive cycle of loving interactions.
In episode 167, we also talked about the various ways that people define a “successful relationship.” Be sure to check out the episode to learn more.
The first two tips of How To Be More Lovable in Relationship:
1. Be kind
2. Show vulnerability and reveal more fully
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
HOW TO BE MORE LOVABLE – PART TWO
3. Be clear on your reason for giving
- It can be easy to fall into the trap of keeping score in a relationship.
- There is a difference between have an agreement and giving to your partner.
- Giving is a way of helping, offering support or being generous in some way.
- Try to connect with the reason you are giving *What feels good about giving?”
4. Turn towards your partner
- When your partner “bids for your attention,” do your best to respond.
- A bid for attention is any attempt from one partner to the another for connection, warmth, affirmation or affection.
- Unfortunately, when partners get into negative cycles, they often snub each other or give each other the cold should (almost to communicate “I am still mad at you. Look how bad you hurt me.”). However, this lack of responsiveness destroys connection.
- In the article titled, “Turn Towards Instead of Away” published on The Gottman Institute’s website, Zack Brittle writes about this single most important research finding. He says:
“John Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples had remained together. Many had divorced. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing, they Turned Towards Instead of Away. At the six-year follow-up, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. The secret is turning towards.”
- In “Turn Towards Instead of Away” Zack Brittle offers some good reflection question for you to work with. I encourage you to check it out.
5. Be there for your partner
- The adult romantic attachment research helps us understand the importance of prioritizing a sense of safety in the emotional bond between partners in relationship.
- Susan Johnson identifies the importance of A.R.E. to help cultivate a sense of security for couples. A.R.E stands for:
- Accessible
- Responsive
- Engaged
6. Value yourself
- One of the most attractive qualities is being confident and having self-worth.
- Yet, many of us struggle with acknowledging our goodness, strengths, efforts and positive qualities.
- Try an exercise for one month. Every night write down three good things that happened that day. Then, write out what you did to contribute to or participate in the thing happening.
- Practice pausing to validate yourself before seeking validation from another.
7. Laugh easily
- With the demands and responsibilities of daily life, it can be easy to get serious or into “task master” mode.
- What helps you feel lighter and more open and present?
- What helps you feel a sense of joy and play in life?
- How can you cultivate more joy and laughter in your day?
Stay tuned for the Part Three.
MENTIONED:
- EPR 167: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship (podcast)
- Turn Towards Instead of Away (article)
- Dr Susan Johnson (website)
- The Gottman Institute (website)
- Photo by Anton Kraev on Unsplash (photo credit)
TRANSCRIPT:
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you! ❤
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
In relationship, when we have a concern or an issue about something (as it relates to something our partner is doing that is bothering, upsetting, or offending us), we will likely want to:
- Point out and identify what your partner is doing wrong.
- Tell them how you don’t like what they are doing.
- Describe how their behavior is not okay.
- Illustrate how what they are doing is unfair or not good.
In response, your partner will likely dispute your claims and perspective to defend their position. While your partner cares deeply about what you are experiencing and feeling, they care less about your judgement and evaluation of them.
When in conflict, it is easy to focus more on your partner’s behavior and reactions. However, we often overlook our behavior and interactions.
Or sometimes, we think reacting is the only way to get our partner’s attention. Almost as if to say “the only way my partner listens to me is when I scream and shout.”
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
One of the biggest shifts that I experienced in my relationship journey (there have been several) is when I shifted my focus from what my partner was doing wrong to looking at my behavior…and taking full responsibility for my experience.
When I made this decision, I had been around the block enough to know that participating in the negative-reactive cycle was only going to contribute to more pain and disconnect.
Besides, I cannot control my partner’s behavior or reactions. All I can do is be responsible for my feelings, reactions, needs, and boundaries.
How often do we ask the question…”How lovable am I being?”
To be clear, I am not talking about your deserving of love. I am talking about how you are participating in the dance you and your partner are creating together.
In Ann Smith’s article, “Love and Love-Ability,” she talks about how our childhood impacts our ability to engage in love and receive love. She also affirms our innate lovability by saying:
“Being lovable is inherent. It is not earned and it is not dependent on the approval of another person. Whether you are alone or in a secure relationship, you are still lovable. You are forever and always lovable. Even if a bad childhood led you to feel unloved and unworthy, you are still lovable. Even if you feel ashamed due to past failures and mistakes, you are still lovable. Even if you have been rejected or abandoned by someone, you are still lovable. You possess the capacity to attach to others and to receive love from others even when you feel that no one loves you.” by Ann Smith
When you look at your relationship, how do you measure success? What matters to you?
- Being emotionally connected (you and your partner can count on each other and feel a sense of closeness)
- Satisfied (a sense of fulfillment)
- Happy (experience joy, play, and laughter together)
- Healthy sex life (time for sexual intimacy, passion, excitement)
- Companionship (enjoy being together and work well together)
- Kindness and respect (understanding, care, and consideration)
How does your behavior contribute to your relationship success?
What happens when it is hard to contribute positively to the interactions with your partner, especially when in conflict?
There are so many things that get in the way:
- Fear
- Insecure attachment feelings
- Projection
- Defensive patterns (like criticism, blame, and judgment)
- Resentment
- Old injury and trauma
- Fantasy bond
In Dr. Lisa Firestone’s article, “Just Be Kind: The Only Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need,” she talks about the “fantasy bond,” which is where couples:
“They start to overstep each other’s boundaries, replace substance with form, and diminish real, personal interactions. Although it isn’t a conscious process, when a couple forms this type of fantasy, they stop engaging in small acts of kindness or even showing care and concern for each other. Without realizing it, couples form a fantasy bond in order to feel a sense of safety. However, what they end up feeling is resentment and frustration. Instead of seeing their partner as someone they chose, they may feel like their partner is someone they’re stuck with. The behavior between the couple deteriorates. One partner may become withholding or controlling. Both can become more nitpicky, critical, and less accepting of their partner’s individuality and freedom. While the quality of the relationship may be deteriorating, a fantasy bond still offers an impression of unity that gives us a certain sense of security. When we’ve formed this type of bond, being kind to our partner actually threatens to disrupt the sense of safety we experience: It forces us to acknowledge our partner as a separate person. ” by Dr. Lisa Firestone
HOW TO BE MORE LOVABLE 1. Be Kind:
- “Positive sentiment override” versus “Bad Memories” (referencing Dr. John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work”).
- Be tolerant with each other’s flaws.
- Notice a time where you can help out.
- Show care and concern in a way that hits home from your partner (the platinum rule)
2. Share Vulnerability & Reveal More Fully:
- When something is important to you, try to help your partner understand you and your experience better.
- If you bottle it up, it will build resentment and often make it harder to deal with.
- Being vulnerable often feels scary and terrifying.
- Being open allows for your partner to be able to care for you and love you better.
Stay tuned for the Part Two.
MENTIONED:
- ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One (podcast)
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert
- Just Be Kind: The Only Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need by Dr. Lisa Firestone (article)
- Love and Love-Ability by Ann Smith (article)
- Photo by Miranda Wipperfurth on Unsplash (photo credit)
TRANSCRIPT:
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you! ❤
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST: Dr. Margaret Rutherford, a clinical psychologist, has practiced for twenty-five years in Fayetteville, Arkansas. She is the author of “Marriage Is Not For Chickens”, a perfect gift book on marriage, and hosts a weekly podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Her new book, Perfectly Hidden Depression, will be published by New Harbinger in 2019.
SUMMARY: In this episode, Dr. Margaret Rutherford talks about how perfectionism and depression interact and how it shows up in relationships.
Dr Rutherford explains how she came to discover this ‘hidden’ depression and breaks down its patterns and consequential behaviors. She also gives important advice on how to properly address this condition in relationships.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
QUOTES: “People are falling through the cracks in our system simply because we’re failing to recognize their depression.”
“Perfectionists can talk about feelings, they can’t express feelings.”
“When you’re coupled or partnered with someone with perfectionism or perfectly hidden depression, then what you notice is their lack of responsiveness to pain in their lives.”
“It’s truly about introducing the subject in a loving, kind way and talk about yourself.”
“You do not have control over whether your partner decides to look at themselves or not but you can urge them gently to do so.. and of course they may not be ready and that’s a whole different decision in and of itself.”
HIGHLIGHTS: 1:03 Dr. Rutherford’s background in blogging, writing about mental health
4:10 How does depression differ from depression overlaid with perfectionism?
8:18 How does this type of depression affect partners?
12:37 How to address the onset of this type of depression between partners or in relationships
22:27 Ideologies that can trigger this hidden depression
30:46 Dr Rutherford advises on how people can take care of themselves despite their partners depression
MENTIONED:
Dr. Margret Rutherford (website)
Self Work (podcast)
Marriage Is Not For Chickens (book)
TRANSCRIPT:
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you! ❤
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST: DR. ROBERT NAVARRA Dr. Navarra, Certified Gottman Therapist and Master Trainer has co-authored book chapters with Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Recently he published an article on systemic approaches in addiction treatment and co-authored three articles on Gottman Therapy with Dr. John Gottman for the Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy. Dr. Navarra created “Roadmap for the Journey: A Gottman Workshop for Couples in Addiction Recovery”, and “Couples and Addiction Recovery: A Gottman Approach for Therapists, Counselors, and Addiction Professionals”.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)
LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: What determines a substance use problem?
- There is a difference between frequent substance use and substance abuse.
- There is a continuum of use from “non-problematic” to “heavy use” to “use disorder” to “addiction”.
- To learn more you can access the safe drinking guidelines.
A note about alcohol and stress:
- People often will use alcohol to reduce stress. However, alcohol increases and reinforces the stress system in the brain.
- This type of use becomes cyclical because a person feels stressed and has a drink to alleviate the stress and then experiences more stress.
Is alcoholism a disease?
- While most people who meet the criteria for a substance use disorder will not meet the criteria again in four years.
- Whereas other people with continued and consistent use will experience significant changes in their brain structure which will constitute an addiction and a disease.
What happens if one person is using or drinking and it is an issue in the relationship?
- Get information and education about the guidelines of substance use.
- Have a conversation. Invite your partner to talk with you.
- Bring up the topic of concern with your partner in a non-blaming way.
- Here is what my concerns are…
- Here is what it means to me…
- See about coming to some agreements together.
- The person using may be willing to modify their use. If they are not willing to modify their use, then it might be important to explore why they are not willing to modify their use.
- Look at risk factors (i.e. family history of substance abuse issues, use over time, increased use, daily use, etc.)
In the first year of recovery, what should a couple be aware of together?
- Relapse rates are the highest in the first year, especially in the first 3 months.
- Continued support from loved ones and family members is one of the highest predictors for success.
- Having a substance-free home environment is critical for the recovery process.
- People in recovery often feel an involuntary thrust towards using. Their brain has been hijacked by the disease, and they do not have the normal stop-go mechanisms in their brain.
- People in recovery have strong emotional memories and triggers.
“Relationships need attention in this transition (into recovery). Let’s not abandon couples when they need it the most.” Dr. Navarra
What promotes healing in the relationship?
- Relationship-care and self-care can help the person in recovery manage the disease better.
- Acknowledge the stigma and shame.
- Get support, so that you can engage in healing and constructive conversations.
- Discuss these questions in a non-blaming way:
- What has the impact of addiction been on you? And the relationship?
- What is the impact of recovery been on you? And the relationship?
- See the addiction as an intruder on your relationship.
- How has the uninvited guest impacted you, your partner and your relationship?
- Attend Dr. Navarra’s workshop “Roadmap For The Journey” to have H.E.A.R.T (Healing Emotions Addiction Recovery Trauma) conversations to heal addiction trauma.
- When couples can emotionally attune and the listen to the painful emotions of one another, then begin to build trust together.
MENTIONED:
- Couples Recovery Empowerment (website)
- Dr. Robert Navarra (website)
- Roadmap For The Journey (workshop page)
- Couples Recovery (Facebook page)
- The Addictions Institute (website)
- UC Santa Cruz – advanced drug & alcohol training program
- Addictionologist – a doctor who studies and treats addiction.
TRANSCRIPT:
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you! ❤
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
In this episode, you will learn ways to address the difficulty and uncertainty of not knowing if your partner is really “in it” with you and what to do about it. If you missed Part One, you can check it out here.
LISTENER’S QUESTIONS: Listener:..“I’m having a few issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. He just can’t seem to stop messaging his exes. He knows I am very uncomfortable with it. We’ve broken up a few times due to this. I’m starting to think maybe I’m the issue and not him, and I don’t know what to do. We just recently got back together again, and he is doing (it) again. Maybe it’s my insecurities, maybe I should break up with him, maybe I should trust him…I’m stuck on ‘does he not care?’ ‘Does he just not love me?’ Should I break up with him?”…
Listener:..“However, I didn’t learn about it until several hours later when he ‘suddenly remembered’ and said that that was happening ‘tomorrow night.’ When I asked him why this was the first I heard of it, he said, ‘I didn’t think of it.’ I was mad that this was the first I was hearing about it, when I’ve explained that we need to discuss in advance things that are going to affect ‘us’ or our time together. I was mad that I had just said that I wanted us to do something, and it sounded like he’s planning on going to this ‘going away’ party. I felt like he wasn’t making ‘us’ the priority.He then made it worse by saying that he didn’t choose which he wanted to do yet, somehow thinking by not choosing the party it was okay. When in reality, either way, he wasn’t choosing ‘us’…”
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
FINAL 4 (OF 8) QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER: Question #5: Do you have explicit agreements?
- Couples need to understand the importance of crystal-clear agreements. Relationship starts with a sense of flow, harmony, and connection that seems effortless.
- They experience a heightened state of arousal known as the “romance stage,” which is fueled by neurochemicals and not sustainable.
- When the honeymoon wears off, it can be confusing. Why are things no longer harmonious and smooth? Why doesn’t your partner get you? Why are there more misunderstandings?
- Every couple goes through five stages. Learn more about each stage by downloading a free Relationship Map, which describes what the long-term landscape of intimacy entails.
- Explicit agreements flush out assumptions, expectations, fears, and needs. What’s visible on the surface, isn’t always what’s going on underneath.
- Slow down and focus on safety, clarity, and vulnerability.
Question #6: Do you clear up miscommunications with your significant other?
- Bringing up an issue is challenging. Especially, if you lack the confidence to address an issue productively and constructively.
- Do you best to handle matters in a calm way. While anger can give us the fuel to take action, it will often lead us to say and do things we do not mean.
- CheckoutERP 018: HOW TO DEAL WITH FEELINGS OF ANGER IN RELATIONSHIP.
- Feeling angry, frustrated, or irritable indicates something that matters to you. Don’t let it go, and commit to addressing it constructively with your partner.
- Use the Communication Exercise as a resource.
- Use a gentle, curious, and relational approach to support a safe and inviting conversation.
- Develop a deeper level of understanding of your partner. Sometimes there may be more going on (i.e. ADHA, HSP, Anxiety, Depression, Stress, etc.)
Question #7: Do you take care of yourself?
- Do you ignore or suppress feelings of insecurity and pain? There’s meaning and significance in those feelings. Pay attention to and address them.
- Pain is a part of life. It is important to learn how to deal with our pain.
- Boundaries are not to control someone, but for your limits in a relationship.
- Is your boundary reasonable and fair?
- Generally people will respect you setting boundaries, rather than lowering your standards.
Question #8: Do you work toward a win-win?
- Strive for a win-win, so that the deal works for both people.
- This can be a paradigm shift to works towards a resolution that works for both people.
- If the resolution is not a win-win, it will not be sustainable over the long-term.
MENTIONED:
- Relationship Map (opt-in)
- 7 Ways Relationship Fail (ebook opt-in)
- Shifting Criticism To Maintain A Healthy Relationship (guide)
- Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication (course)
- ERP 163: What To Do When You Question “Is My Partner Really With Me?” (podcast)
- Couples’ Seminar with Melissa Orlov – The ADHD Effect In-Depth (course)
- ERP 051: How To Thrive With ADHD In Your Relationship (podcast)
- ERP 134: Sensitivity and Intimacy with Candy Crawford (podcast)
- ERP 160: How To Deal With Anxiety In Relationship (podcast)
- ERP 161: HOW TO SOOTHE ANXIETY IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast)
- ERP 057: How To Avoid Enabling Your Partner’s Destructive Behavior (podcast)
- ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship (podcast)
- ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part Two
- ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast)
- ERP 109: How Being Gentle With Your Partner Can Make A Big Difference (podcast)
- Communication exercise (article)
- ERP 018: HOW TO DEAL WITH FEELINGS OF ANGER IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast)
- ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast)
- ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast)
- Photo by Taylor L. Spurgeon on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT:
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you! ❤
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTIONS: Listener: …“I’m having a few issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. He just can’t seem to stop messaging his Exes (two of them) he knows I am very uncomfortable with it, we’ve broken up a few times due to this. but I’m starting to think maybe I’m the issue and not him, and I don’t know what to do. we just recently got back together again and he is doing again, maybe it’s my insecurities, maybe I should break up with him, maybe I should trust him…I’m stuck on “does he not care” “does he just not love me” “should I break up with him”…
Listener: …”However, I didn’t learn about it until several hours later when he “suddenly remembered” and said that that was happening “tomorrow night.” When I asked him why this was the first I heard of it, he said, “I didn’t think of it.” First, I was mad that this was the first I was hearing about it, when I’ve explained that we need to discuss in advance things that are going to affect “us” or our time together. Second, I was mad that I had just said that I wanted us to do something and it sounded like he’s planning on going to this going away party. I felt like he wasn’t making us the priority. He then made it worse by saying that he didn’t choose which he wanted to do yet, somehow thinking by not choosing the party it was okay, when in reality, either way, he wasn’t choosing “us.””…
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
4 (OF 8) QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER: Question #1: Is your partner conflict avoidant?
- If your partner is conflict avoidant, their behavior may look similar to someone who is not invested or committed (i.e. they turn away or even dismiss the value of the relationship at times).
- Consider asking your partner “What helps you feel safe when we are having a conflict?”
- You may have a difficult time knowing what is going on underneath. For example:
- Shutdown can be pain.
- Distancing can be fear.
- By shifting the focus to creating safety with your partner, you are then addressing the real concern.
- If safety is not the issue, then you will be able to see the other issues more clearly.
Question #2: Are you clear about your desires, wishes, and longings?
- Often, we think we are being clear, but we are actually talking about what we do not want or talking around the issue… hoping our partner will get the picture.
- Or we complain and criticize. None of which helps your partner understand clearly what you need.
- If you struggle with engaging in critical behavior, check out this article “17 WAYS TO SHIFT CRITICISM TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP” or podcast “ERP 039: HOW TO SHIFT CRITICISM INTO POWERFUL COMMUNICATION” or Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication course.
Question #3: Do you pursue?
- Do you have a tendency to be more attentive to the connection with your significant other, possibly monitoring interactions or tracking your partner’s response at times?
- Do you ask questions and initiate resolving concerns more than your partner?
- The pursuing-distancing dynamic can be tricky because the more avoidant person will often be more focused on the pursuing behavior than what their partner is actually communicating, and they end up reacting to the pursuing approach.
- In the end, both partners are reacting to each other.
- Try to slow down.
-
Focus on “playing catch.”
-
Work to be clear and reveal your needs and desires.
Question #4: Do you react? Do you at times attack, blame or criticize in an attempt to get your partner to engage?
- If you are reacting, you are likely (and naturally) feeling some level of threat. For example, your partner matters to you, but you feel a disconnect. It is scary. You may wonder “Are they still with me? Do they still love me? Are we still connected?”
- This is a deeply vulnerable experience.
- Find a way to calm your nervous system. Then, do your best to create a safe space with your partner, so that you can express your feelings or need in a more balanced way.
- If you react or tear into them, they will have a very difficult time hearing what is really going on for you. They will be too busy defending against your reaction.
Stay tuned for the next episode for the next 4 questions to address the experience of feeling like your partner is not fully with you.
MENTIONED: * ERP 161: HOW TO SOOTHE ANXIETY IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast) * 17 WAYS TO SHIFT CRITICISM TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP (article) * ERP 039: HOW TO SHIFT CRITICISM INTO POWERFUL COMMUNICATION (podcast) * ERP 115: HOW TO DEVELOP THE STRENGTH OF VULNERABILITY – PART TWO (podcast) * ERP 114: HOW TO DEVELOP THE STRENGTH OF VULNERABILITY (podcast) * Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication (course) * Photo by André Bandarra on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you! ❤
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST: LISA FIRESTONE, PHD
Lisa Firestone, PhD is Director of Research and Education with the Glendon Association. She is the author of numerous articles and chapters and co-author of Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: the Wisdom of Psychotherapy, most recently Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA books) Dr Firestone is a practicing clinical psychologist.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
Dr. Lisa Firestone wrote In a Relationship with a Narcissist? What You Need to Know About Narcissistic Relationships. I highly recommend reading it, if you have concerns about narcissism in your relationship.
LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT:
Narcissism:
- Narcissistic traits and tendencies.
- Types of narcissism.
- The flip side of narcissism.
- How narcissism is often taught by a narcissist parent.
- How attachment plays a role.
- All or nothing thinking and narcissism.
“It is important for the partner with narcissistic traits to begin to recognize, they don’t have to be special to deserve love, attention, and care.” Dr. Lisa Firestone
How does narcissism negatively impact relationship:
- The relationship development and process (the beginning of the relationship versus the more established relationship)
- What the relationship dynamic typically looks like with a partner with narcissistic traits.
- The role of projection in relationship.
- How to work with the inner critical voice, and the importance of a realistic and compassionate voice.
How to deal with a narcissistic partner:
- Identify your needs and wants proactively and specifically.
- Work with your anger. Recognize when your anger has significant charge, and possibly ask the question “What about this situation activates so much anger in me?”
- Be willing to address and confront your partner with the intention to develop more understanding and cooperation.
“You have a lot of power to change your relationship, but you have zero power to change your partner”. Dr. Lisa Firestone
How to improve the relationship dynamic, when narcissism is at play:
- Recognize problematic relationship dynamics (it may be important to get support from a trained professional to assist in this process).
- Explore deeper fears, needs, and longings together (it may be important to get support from a trained professional to assist in this process).
- Promote and develop empathy together (it may be important to get support from a trained professional to assist in this process).
MENTIONED:
- In a Relationship with a Narcissist? What You Need to Know About Narcissistic Relationships, by Dr. Lisa Firestone
- PsychAlive (to Dr. Lisa Firestone’s programs and courses)
- Adult attachment Interview (research article)
- Self Under Siege (book)
- Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice (book)
- Sex And Love In Intimate Relationships (book)
TRANSCRIPT:
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
In my last podcast episode, ERP 160: How to Deal with Anxiety in Relationship I addressed one listener’s question a little more than I did the other listener’s question. The information in the episode is relevant to what happens in the brain when we experience anxiety and how to work with it.
Today, I want to talk a little more about anxiety as it relates to relationship security.
If you listened to the last episode, you heard the second listener ask a question about how to deal with repetitive fears of her boyfriend cheating on her. By her report, she deems her boyfriend as a very trustworthy man and that he has given her no reason to doubt his fidelity. She also mentioned that she believes she would have this experience no matter who she is with.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
HUMAN NEED FOR BONDING At the root of it all, we are all wired up for bonding and connection.
One of our basic motivating systems is to have a connection with another person.
Dr. Susan Johnson helps us understand that the most powerful threat in life is isolation. In Love Sense, she talks about various research studies to illustrate how detrimental and even deadly isolation can be to our well-being.
Dr. Susan Johnson talks about the fact that we have to face dragons in life. And when we do, we usually reach for the hand of the person we love to gain reassurance and comfort, as it is easier to deal with the dragons together. Additionally, our relationships are stronger because of it.
Having safety and connection in a bond with another person helps us deal with life’s threats and difficulties with more resource and resilience. Regulating emotions with another is the most effective (hand holding research).
It is incredibly hard to self-sooth in isolation, especially if you do not have an internalized sense of a positive attachment figure.
POSITIVE ATTACHMENT FIGURES What positive experiences have you had in your life where you have felt safe, understood, seen, accepted, loved, held, and comforted? If you can remember experiences of a secure bond with another, then you can use these memories and images to help you regulate your emotions and nervous system.
Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
WHAT HELPS CONTRIBUTE TO SAFE CONNECTION AND BONDING? 1. Dr. Susan Johnson emphasizes A.R.E.: Accessible. Responsive. Engaged.
-
EFT (emotionally focused therapy) is incredibly effective in helping couples establish and maintain a secure bond.
-
Mirroring, reflection, and deep understanding
-
Warmth, care, compassion and empathy.
-
Validation, feeling valued, “I am okay,” “I am not alone,” “I belong.”
WHAT IF YOU DON’T FEEL SAFE? Coming back to the listener’s question…when people feel threatened, they typically go to two places:
- Blame: suspicion, detective mode (subtle or unsubtle), pursue.
- Shutdown: feel alone, scared, try to suppress the feelings.
- Third option (takes work): share pain and vulnerability in a clear and emotionally balanced way.
- For example: “Not sure if I have shared with you…you mean so much to me, and sometimes I feeling scared that I am going to lose you. I often have really bad thoughts about you cheating on me, and it is super painful.”
OTHER WAYS TO FEEL CONNECTION: * God. People feel a sense of holding, compassion, and support from Higher Power. * A dear friend or family member. * Music. Evokes emotion and validates experience. * Nature. * Therapeutic support or Group.
In a safe secure relationship, the nervous system can relax and the brain can focus on other things rather than the hypervigilance of managing threats. In a more secure place, we can be more curious, playful, and exploratory.
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Understanding the different stages of relationship development helps couples move forward positively with their lives and allows couples to feel a deeper connection.
Listener’s question:
“How to not let your anxiety disorder become a third person in your relationship and the hardest part of how to let your partner in on it and help them understand the anxiety attacks aren’t because of him.”
Second Listener’s Question:
“I recently came across your podcast and I was really intrigued by your words and style of work.
I was hoping you would possibly be able to help me out with a relationship issue of my own. I would really appreciate your advice.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for around two years now. I really do love him so much and we have a great relationship. I have a lot of anxiety in general and I’m just always expecting for “the other shoe to drop”.
I have a paranoid fear of being cheated on. For absolutely zero reason. He’s never done anything to make me believe he would do that to me, or that he is even capable of doing it. However, for some reason it plays in my head over and over, that it COULD happen.
I do everything I can to get this thoughts out of my head but they seem to come, basically daily. It’s starting to drive me a little crazy because all I want is to fully enjoy my relationship with him. He’s a wonderful man and I know he loves me too.
What do you suggest I do to stop these intrusive thoughts of being hurt? It seems to be a huge fear of mine that I almost expect to happen in any relationship. “
Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.
1. Careful to not hide and cover up. It is painful enough to deal with anxiety symptoms. Attempting to appear okay, when you are not okay will not help your partner understand and be there for you.
- Don’t blame yourself.
- According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, over 40 million people have an anxiety disorder.
- Anxiety disorders can occur for a number of reasons:
- Genetics.
- Environmental factors.
- Brain chemistry.
- Medical factors.
- Withdrawal from an illicit substance.
2. Educate your partner. What happens when someone experiences anxiety.
- Symptoms may include: worry, overwhelm, fear, increased heart rate, muscle tension, difficult sleeping, shortness of breath, restlessness etc.
- Future-based thinking and uncertainty of one’s ability to meet the challenge.
- Understand anxiety and how your brain creates it.
- Amygdala (alarm system. threat, fear)
- Cortex (thinking, logic, awareness, details)
- Amygdala can turn on the flight/flight/freeze response in milliseconds.
- The cortex can not control the amygdala through deliberate thought process.
- Amygdala can override the cortex, can control or influence thoughts and focus.
- The cortex can initiate the amygdala’s response with fear and worry thoughts.
- Identifying Anxiety-Igniting Thoughts, by Catherine Pittman, Ph.D.
- Download Pdf
- Cortex-based tendencies are called anxiety igniting thoughts because they have the potential to activate the amygdala, which could be a primary source of your anxiety.
- Pessimism.
- Worry.
- Perfectionism.
- Guilt & Shame.
3. Help your partner understand your personal experience.
- What your past experience has been with anxiety.
- What it looks like for you.
- What triggers your anxiety.
- What helps and what does not help.
-
Your attachment style.
-
How to deal with anxiety.
-
Learn ways to change your brain.
- Restructure your thoughts.
- Name it to tame it
- Thought stopping.
- Cognitive restructuring.
- Work to build safety and a secure bond with your partner.
- Practice mindfulness.
- Soothe and calm anxiety
- Relaxation techniques
- Exercise
- Adequate sleep
- Distraction.
MENTIONED: * Identifying Anxiety-Igniting Thoughts, by Catherine Pittman, Ph.D. (pdf) * ERP 052: How To Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast) * ERP 142: How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction With Mindfulness (podcast) * ERP 143: How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction With Mindfulness – Part Two (podcast) * ERP 144: How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction With Mindfulness – Part Three (podcast) * Hold Me Tight, by Susan Johnson (book) * Love Sense, by Susan Johnson (book) * Rewire Your Anxious Brain: How to Use the Neuroscience of Fear to End Anxiety, Panic, and Worry (book) * The Feeling Good Handbook, by David Burns (book) * The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, by Edmund Bourne (book) * Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (book) * The Highly Sensitive Person (website) * Photo by A. L. on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT:
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with resentment in relationships help couples move forward positively with their lives and allow couples to have deeper connection.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you! ❤
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST: MARTIN UCIK Martin Ucik is a German born entrepreneur who trained with Eckhart Tolle as a Power Of Now group facilitator and founded www.singles2couples.org, an Association for Healthy Relationships. His studies of Ken Wilber’s Integral Model allowed him to integrate his personal experiences as a divorced father and the wisdom from over 200 relationship books into Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men which Ken Wilber calls “a terrific book!” and his new book Sex Purpose Love.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
LISTENERS’ QUESTIONS: First listener’s question:
“I stumbled upon your podcast on Spotify and since then have found great value in it with my current relationship of 1.5 years. If possible I have some questions/topic that I would love to hear you cover. …
One relationship question/topic that is a big stressor in my relationship is:
My boyfriend is a police officer and in the National Guard. His jobs have really changed him like how he judges people really quickly and so on. Have you ever covered a topic similar to this?”
Second listener’s question:
“My worry is that I’ve grown and matured in my thinking over the past couple months and that my boyfriend and I won’t be on the same page. I tend to overthink and my boyfriend tries to simplify things, so oftentimes we balance each other out. However there are times when I think I’m maturing a lot faster than him and it sort of creates a mental gap between us. I’m not sure if that’s because we’re not compatible or if there’s a better way to communicate.”
INTEGRAL THEORY * Lines of development * 5 stages of spiritual development * 8 stages of consciousness * 4 quadrants * Personality matrix
Developmental Lines for Relationship, based on Martin Ucik’s approach:
- Emotional availability
- Consciousness development
- Sexual development
- Spiritual development
- Anima/animus
8 STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT, BY MARTIN UCIK How we see the world and how we communicate.
- Survival
- Magical thinking
- Ego centric
- Mythic
- Rational
- Pluralistic
- Integral
- Transpersonal
“Experience without theory is blind but theory without experience is mere intellectual play.” by Immanuel Kant
How partners meet each other matters.
In the past, partners would meet each other in places where they were likely to have similar perspectives, beliefs, and world views, like college, church, and interest based groups. It was more likely that partners would be at similar stages of consciousness. Whereas today, partners are meeting each other online and are more likely to be at different stages of consciousness, which poses great difficulty for couples.
How do you determine what stage of development as person is in?
- Listen to what really matters to them.
What do you recommend for a couple that is dealing with being at different stages of development?
- Talk about your experience.
- Look at the stages of consciousness together.
- Be gentle in your approach with one another.
- Invite an openness and a willingness to explore.
- Sometimes, people will not be ready or willing to grow and develop.
MENTIONED: * Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men (book) * Sex Purpose Love: Couples in Integral Relationships Creating a Better World (book) * Relationship Map (opt-in) * Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind – and Keep – Love (book) * Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life — Second 2nd Edition (book) * Integral Theory: Ken Wilber (Wikipedia) * Ken Wilber (website) * Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (book) * Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition (book) * Passionate Marriage (book) * Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love (book) * The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire (20th Anniversary Edition) (book) * Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart (book) * Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After (book) * Alex Gray (website) * ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast) * ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) * ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast) * ERP 015: Do You Have A “Unity” Or “Journey” Mindset In Relationship? (podcast)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with resentment in relationships help couples move forward positively with their lives and allow couples to have deeper connection.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
In the last two episodes, I explored the drama triangle. In episode 156, I discussed what the drama triangle is and how is shows up in our interactions with others, especially during conflict.
In episode 157, I explained how we can easily get wrapped up in the victim position and how this can negatively affect our experience in relationship…and more importantly a critical key in how to shift out of the victim position and into the creator position.
Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.
WHAT IS A RESENTMENT? A resentment is a grudge or a negative feeling that we might be harboring about a past experience. Often, we will feel resentment when someone did or said something that we did not like or we have issue with. Or a resentment is something that we have not made peace with or do not know how to reconcile.
As I mentioned in my previous podcast episodes about forgiveness, it is not about condoning bad behavior or liking a horrible act. It is about coming to terms with the fact that you cannot change or control what happened.
In the series about dealing with pain, pain is a natural part of life. It is a fallacy to think that we are going to go through life without experiencing hardship, loss, and upset. Trying to avoid, resist, or fight against pain only creates more suffering.
As discussed in episode 157, when someone feels overwhelmed by painful external circumstances, it is common to feel disempowered and to feel victimized.
While we cannot change the fact that crappy things might happen to us or have happened to us, we can change how we deal with them.
When a painful event occurs, it is important to give attention to the hurt and injury. However, after a period of time, we are faced with how do we incorporate this experience into our lives.
When we do not accept or come to terms with a painful experience, we do not move forward. It is very difficult to feel open and alive when we are harboring resentments.
“Forgiveness changes the way we remember. It converts the curse into a blessing. Forgiveness indeed heals memories.” by Henri Nouwen
HOW TO RESOLVE RESENTMENTS 1. Name it. Acknowledge the resentment.
2. Specify it. Lost dream. Unfulfilled expectation. Old wound (from childhood).
3. Try out David Emeralds exercise. From the The Power of TED
Look at how the challenge in your life has taught you something. List 7 people, circumstances, or conditions that have been difficult for you (persecutors) and look for the ways they have been a gift to you or a teacher for you.
Questions to ask:
- How have they challenged you to learn and grow?
- What is the lesson this person or situation is bringing into my life?
- How and what can I learn from this?
- What is the gift hidden in this situation, no matter how difficult it appears?
4. Use the gift as curriculum for your development.
- What is the piece of value that you learn from the exercise above? And how can you start practicing this in your life and relationships?
MENTIONED: * ERP 157: How to Shift Out of The Victim Position (podcast) * ERP 156: What Happens When You Feel Like A Victim In Relationship (podcast) * ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast) * ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) * ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast) * ERP 015: Do You Have A “Unity” Or “Journey” Mindset In Relationship? (podcast) * ERP 026: How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship (podcast) * POWER OF TED (THE EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC) (book) * Photo by Jaelynn Castillo on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with resentment in relationships help couples move forward positively with their lives and allow couples to have deeper connection.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
In the last episode, I discussed the destructive nature of the drama triangle. When faced with conflict, we may quickly see the roles of the persecutor, victim, and rescuer emerge. Although the information isn’t specifically directed to a couple, it can help rid of the victim mentality in relationships.
If you missed the previous episode, I encourage you to listen to it before listening to this episode. Listen to episode 156.
A QUICK RECAP OF THE DRAMA TRIANGLE: * Victim: Feels helpless, hopeless, and downtrodden. “Poor me.” (death of a dream) * Persecutor: Behaves in domineering ways and attempts to have power over others. Fears loss of control. Usually a former victim. * Rescuer: Attempts to help others and tends to take over-responsibility. “Poor you.” I want you to need me, so that I feel more valuable.
Today, we are going to explore how to get out of the victim position by helping you identify places where you may be getting stuck and how to get free and empowered. This will help people get out of the victim mentality in relationships.
Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.
This episode was inspired by and references material from The Power of TED, by David Emerald.
THE VICTIM ORIENTATION “The victim orientation is the approach that most human beings take toward their experience, by default. You spend a lot of time searching for solutions to problems.” by David Emerald, The Power of TED
- An orientation is a mental standpoint that determines your focus and direction…direction of thought or inclination.
- Anticipating victimhood impacts your perspective and beliefs.
- A victim orientation perpetuates the cycle.
Below are some examples of what people feel and believe- when taking on a victim mentality in relationships:
- He doesn’t care.
- She never cares about what I want.
- He never listens.
- She is constantly on me. I am never good enough.
- He doesn’t engage.
- She doesn’t respect me.
“You’re always looking outside yourself to the people and circumstances of life, for a sense of safety, security, and sanity.” by David Emerald, The Power of TED
Focus – Inner State – Being
THE VICTIM CYCLE “The anxiety you feel comes from your way of focusing on the problem.” by David Emerald, The Power of TED
Problem – Anxiety – Reaction
- When we focus on the problem, we are going to have an emotional response (i.e. feeling sad, hurt, angry).
- Focusing on the problem creates an inner state of anxiety (mild discomfort to terror).
- Your inner state motivates you to act in a certain way. For example, anxiety, whether mild or intense gives you energy for action and sparks your behavior.
- Reaction helps reduce anxiety and the problem intensity in the short-term. However, when anxiety goes down, so does the impulse to react.
Emerald says the mistaken when in the victim position, as we think the problem causes our reaction. However, if we look at the sequence within the cycle, it is actually the anxiety that causes the reaction.
“A problem is rarely if ever solved from within the victim orientation.” by David Emerald, The Power of TED
HOW TO SHIFT OUT OF THE VICTIM POSITION “Things get better and you relax and stop reacting to the problem.” by David Emerald, The Power of TED
Vision/Outcome – Passion – Baby Steps
- Focus on solution, vision, goal, or dream.
- Putting your attention on what you want to create.
- When you focus on what you are passionate about and what matters to you, you will have an inner sensation of purpose, excitement, hope and possibility.
- This inner state will help you take positive and constructive action to towards your vision.
- As you achieve progress in the direction of your goals, you will feel empowered and like a creator.
Excerpt from The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks.
“Projection is the source of power struggles that eat up energy and intimacy in relationships. Power struggles are a war between two people tp see whose version of reality will win out. Much of the energy in troubles relationships is drained through power struggles about who’s right, who’s wrong, and who’s the biggest victim. Relationship – healthy ones that is – exist only between equals. When both people are not taking 100 percent responsibility, it is an entanglement, not a relationship. There is only one way to transform an entanglement into a relationship: both people must drop projection and see that they are 100 percent the creators of their reality.” By Gay Hendricks
MENTIONED: * ERP 156: What Happens When You Feel Like A Victim In Relationship (podcast) * POWER OF TED (THE EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC) (book) * The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level (book) * Photo by Vladislav Babienko on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: 157: HOW TO SHIFT OUT OF THE VICTIM POSITION [TRANSCRIPT]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in ending the victim mentality in relationships. Identifying the symptoms of victim mentality in relationships help couples improve and understand each other to connect rather that neglect the feelings of each other.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
TOPIC: SYMPTOMS OF VICTIM MENTALITY IN RELATIONSHIPS FEELING LIKE A VICTIM IN RELATIONSHIP IS AN AWFUL FEELING In relationship, we want and need to feel safe, loved, and valued. When difficult things happen, it can be extremely painful. Sometimes, it is a condition or circumstance that is challenging (like a health issue, family crisis, natural disaster, etc). But when our partner behaves badly or unskillful, it can be heartbreaking.
When awful things happen, it is natural to feel the hardship, pain, and injury, and it is incredible important to attend your experience.
RESOURCES If you are experiencing immediate hardship and crisis, it might be helpful to check out some of the previous podcast episodes:
- How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part One
- How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part Two
- How to Repair a Breach of Trust in Relationship
- How to Deal with the Effects of Trauma in Relationship with Dr. Janina Fisher
- How to Get Relational Support When Dealing with Illness & Chronic Pain with Dr. Jackie Black
- How to Identify Manipulative & Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Paul Colaianni
In the podcasts about how we deal with pain, I addressed the fact that the way in which we handle pain contributes to greater levels of suffering (i.e. when we resist pain, anticipate, ruminate, and protest against pain).
THE DRAMA TRIANGLE In this episode, I am going to address how we unknowingly get stuck in a destructive dynamic – The Drama Triangle.
The drama triangle is a social model of human interaction that can occur between people in conflict, which was developed by Stephen Karpman, M.D.
This common relationship dynamic perpetuates pain and suffering, and keeps us stuck in endless cycles of difficulty.
The problematic interaction and can occur in any type of relationship, where there is struggle (i.e. spouse, partner, family member, friend, colleague, etc).
Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.
Concepts for today’s episode are referenced from Connected Couple and The Power of Ted, by David Emerald.
When exploring The Drama Triangle, you may notice you can occupy all positions at various point. Or you may notice a stronger tendency to take a particular role.
THE VICTIM * Helpless and hopeless * Collapsed and powerless * Doesn’t advocate for self * Poor me
“Victims may be defensive, submissive, over-accommodating to others, passive-aggressive in conflict, dependent on others for self-worth, overly sensitive, even manipulative. They’re often angry, resentful, and envious, feeling unworthy or ashamed about their circumstances.” By David Emerald, The Power of TED
“Death of a dream: All victims have experience a loss – a thwarted desire or aspiration – even if they’re not aware of it.” By David Emerald, The Power of TED
THE VILLAIN OR PERSECUTOR * Often times a person, but sometimes it is a circumstance or condition. * Aggressive, domineering, and judgmental. * Uses blame, criticism, and or oppression. * Persecutors were almost always former victims. “I will never be the victim again.” * Fear of loss of control
THE HERO OR THE RESCUER * Overly helpful and overextends (usually with good intentions) * Feels responsible for others * Poor you * Intrapersonally, we might engage in behaviors that rescue ourselves from painful feelings (i.e. substance use, alcohol, sugar, computer gaming, watching tv, shopping, overeating, etc.) * Fear of loss of purpose
When couples seek support in the way of coaching or therapy, often times they are looking for the helping professional to validate their experience. However, it is often done through the way of the victim position.
“Arguments are caused by two people racing to occupy the victim position (why are you doing this to me?) and then tries to get person B to agree with that assessment. In other words, person B has to agree that he or she is the persecutor. Therein lies the problem. It’s almost impossible to get the other guys to agree that it’s his fault.” By Gay Hendricks in The Big Leap
In the next episode, I will discuss how to shift out of The Drama Triangle.
MENTIONED: * ERP 135: How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part One * (podcast) * ERP 136: How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part Two (podcast) * ERP 153: How to Repair a Breach of Trust in Relationship (podcast) * ERP 148: How to Deal with the Effects of Trauma in Relationship with Dr. Janina Fisher (podcast) * ERP 154: How to Get Relational Support When Dealing with Illness & Chronic Pain with Dr. Jackie Black (podcast) * ERP 113: How to Identify Manipulative & Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Paul Colaianni (podcast) * ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) * ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast) * POWER OF TED (THE EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC) (book) * The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level (book) * Connected Couple (program) * Wild Quest (website) * Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Identifying the symptoms of victim mentality in relationships help couples improve and understand each other to connect rather that neglect the feelings of each other.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
TOPIC: HOW TO OVERCOME ENVY IN A RELATIONSHIP ENVY Envy is a normal human experience that results from comparing ourselves to others, and the feeling that we come up short in the comparson.
In the article, titled “To Love and To Envy,” by Dana Shavin, she writes “Envy is the emotion that arises when we feel that someone possesses an attribute we crave but lack.”
But what happens when we compare ourselves to our intimate partner and feel envy? This is a difficult question to answer because many of us do not want to acknowledge that we feel envy towards our significant other.
“The incidence of envy between spouses can be hard to measure because people mostly don’t admit it, even to themselves,” says psychiatrist Gail Saltz (quoted in To Love and To Envy)
Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.
IMBALANCES IN RELATIONSHIP Imbalances are going to occur in relationship. There is no way for you and your partner to be exactly matched in every facet of your life.
Examples of imbalance in relationship are when one partner:
- Is better with the kids.
- Makes more money.
- Has a more close-knit family.
- Is in better physical shape.
- Has more education.
- Gets more recognition and accolades.
- Is more articulate and social.
- Is more artistically talented.
- Has a more prestigious career.
STRONG COUPLES Even when major imbalances occur in relationship, it doesn’t mean that envy will occur between partners.
Here are a few ways that couples maintain a strong relationship; They:
- Keep competition for sports and play.
“Strong couples want the best for each other,” (Judith) Sills says. “They don’t compete except in play—think running a marathon or playing tennis. Strong partners are thrilled when the other gets ‘the goodies,’ even if they maybe feel a pang that they themselves didn’t.” (quoted in To Love and To Envy)
- View each other as equal in status, despite different ways of contributing.
- See themselves a part of a invisible team within the relationship.
- Take pride and joy in each other success.
PARTNER ENVY From time to time, we may all experience some level of partner envy. However, pay close attention if you notice envy becoming a more prominent feeling and/or you feel resentful, bitter, and disconnected in relationship with your partner because of envy.
Here are a few reasons why partner envy happens:
- Partners don’t hold a unit mentality, such as viewing their relationship as a bigger team that they are each belong to.
- One partner’s success is seen as a threat because it reflects the other partner’s feelings of inadequacy.
“People who don’t fully grasp the concept of ‘what’s good for one of us is good for both of us’ tend to envy a partner’s success,” (Gail) Saltz says, “even as it makes life better or easier for both of them.” (quoted in To Love and To Envy)
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- Partners feel a sense of inequality in their relationship.
“Psychologist Peter Fraenkel, an associate professor at City University of New York and the author of Sync Your Relationship, Save Your Marriage, says that, like many problems in intimate relationships, a propensity to envy can often be traced to childhood. A lack of praise from parents, or achievements that were met with indifference or criticism, can set the stage for a lifetime of insecurity about one’s accomplishments.” by Dana Shavin
4 WAYS TO DEAL WITH PARTNER ENVY 1. Be Honest About Your Experience.
“Harboring resentments toward your spouse is never a good idea,” (Gail) Saltz says. Recognize that to envy—and be envied—is human and move on to the next step: deciding how you and your partner will deal with the problem.” (quoted in To Love and To Envy)
2. Assess Equality In The Relationship.
- Recognize each person contribution.
- Value different forms of contribution.
- Offering acknowledgement and validation for each partner’s value can help counteract old negative stories and beliefs.
- Look at areas of inequality.
3. Look For Desire & Discontent.
- What does envy tell you? What do you want and what do you not want?
- Both desire and discontent can be great teachers.
- They indicate and let us know what we are missing and what is not working for us.
- We can use this information as a source of inspiration to take action on.
- As we work towards creating more of what we want and less of what we don’t want, we have a life that is more authentically aligned, hence happier and healthier.
4. Focus On The Team.
- Look at the overall strength together as a couple.
- Recognize how you and your partner help each other and support each other in your accomplishments.
- See ways in which you and your partner complement each other.
- Recognize how are you and your partner are better together.
- Both partners are responsible for the life they have created.
MENTIONED: * ERP 150: What To Do When Stuck In Self Sabotage (podcast) * ERP 151: How to Handle the Trouble of Outshining in Relationship (podcast) * To Love and To Envy, by Dana Shavin (article) * Sync Your Relationship, Save Your Marriage: Four Steps to Getting Back on Track, by Peter Fraenkel (Book) * Red & Black Game (website instructions) * Mary Morrissey (website) * Photo by Morgan Sessions on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Knowing how to overcome envy in a relationship help couples overcome selfishness and celebrate each other’s success.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
TOPIC: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVED ONE WITH CHRONIC PAIN GUEST: JACKIE BLACK, PH.D., BCC Dr. Jackie Black is a marriage expert, educator and Board Certified Coach, serving Couples Facing Life-Threatening and Chronic Illness, and Chronic Pain.
Dr. Jackie Black is the creator of the 7-Week, Online Program, Couples Daring to Live Well (with illness) Program™, and the 3-Day Private Destination Retreat, Couples Daring to Live Well (with illness) Retreat™.
She also serves private clients, and is an author, speaker and frequent guest expert on summits, podcasts and radio throughout the world.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: “Surprising numbers of people are living with chronic pain and chronic illness. Yet, we don’t talk about it and people don’t know.” by Dr. Jackie Black
- How chronic illness and pain affects everybody.
- How when a couple is dealing with chronic illness and pain, the relationship takes a huge hit. There are often supports for the person and their loved one, but no one focuses on the relationship.
“A diagnosis is a shock. No one is ever prepared.” by Dr. Jackie Black.
- How people react to crisis in different ways. Partners have different experiences of the same circumstance. Partners have different needs and priorities, and sometime their needs are competing.
- How people are often afraid, overwhelmed, and are not talking to each other.
- How a couple’s EQ (emotional intelligence) is being tested. Couples often do not have effective tools for how to deal with all the emotions involved. Old coping mechanisms and defensive processes stop working.
“Being happily married for decades doesn’t protect you from the inevitable challenges you face being a couple living with illness or chronic pain.” by Dr. Jackie Black.
- The two powerful myths that couples are faced with when dealing with chronic illness and pain.
- The myth busting techniques to help partner’s strengthen their connection.
- The top 4 reasons people can get caught in common traps when dealing with chronic illness and pain.
“Relational space is sacred space.” by Dr. Jackie Black.
- How weak or non-existent agreements and commitments negatively impact a couple with illness, and the importance of bilateral agreements.
- The importance of understanding partner’s needs and values.
- How to increase self-knowledge and why is it so beneficial to the relationship.
MENTIONED: * Dr. Jackie Black (website)
TRANSCRIPT: ERP 154: HOW TO GET RELATIONAL SUPPORT WHEN DEALING WITH ILLNESS & CHRONIC PAIN WITH DR. JACKIE BLACK [TRANSCRIPT] Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 154: How to Get Relational Support When Dealing with Illness & Chronic Pain with Dr. Jackie Black
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Learning how to deal with a loved one with chronic pain takes emotional support and deep understanding to help couples build a strong bond and love for each other.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
TOPIC: STEPS TO REBUILDING TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP LISTENER’S QUESTION “Thank you for the work you do on your podcast, it has helped me greatly in a hard relationship time. My fiancé and I were supposed to get married on June 28th. Three weeks before the wedding he met me at the courthouse to get our marriage certificate and told me that he couldn’t go through with it. This came as a complete shock as our relationship had been healthy, with some minor disagreements during the planning phase of the wedding, but I had no doubts. We live in Minnesota, where he is from, and my whole family and my friends were scheduled to fly from Washington state to MN, which made this especially painful. We are in counseling now, and seeing if we can work this out, but I’m not sure if I can/want to get over this huge betrayal. Any advice you have on repair/healing relationship trauma of this nature would be so appreciated. He is here and wants to work on things, but I don’t know if I have the strength to get over it, or that I could ever truly trust him again.” Jenny
Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.
Understandably, you are going through heartbreak and loss. I encourage you to check out the episodes on Grief (see links below) to get more support.
It sounds like you have many questions you are grappling with…like, what is next? How do you move forward from this? Should you trust him again? Is he the right person?
My biggest encouragement to you is to make a commitment to not engage in this dynamic again. As painful as it is, there is learning in this experience.
TAKE AN HONEST LOOK * Reevaluate and identify what happened. * Look at the underlying aspects. * What was your part? Recognize your patterns. * What is the learning in this and what is being revealed to you? * What are your highest priorities and values in relationship? Were you invested in them? * Did you have any blind spots or things you didn’t want to acknowledge? * Did you and your fiancé build trust together (did you have clear agreements, boundaries, communication, etc)?
FIND YOUR GROUND * Go slow. Take your time and be gentle with yourself. * Focus on building a solid foundation. * Affirm your strengths, lovability, and worth. * Acknowledge your experience and process. Be with your feelings and be with yourself. * Focus on developing a secure connection. * Get clear on what you believe in.
FOCUS ON YOUR PART * You can’t do his work for him. You can’t control him. * Let him be responsible for his experience and his part. * Accept what is. Ask yourself is this in alignment with what I want? * Check out the Forgiveness episodes.
BE AVAILABLE FOR SOMETHING GREATER * Recognize if things feel similar or if things feel different. * Is his approach different? Is his energy different? * Don’t engage in the old patterns and old behavior. * Be committed to your practice and your work. * Be willing to engage differently. * Talk honestly about what happened and be willing to learn.
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 153: HOW TO REPAIR A BREACH OF TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP [TRANSCRIPT]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Learning the steps to rebuilding trust in a relationship takes time and self-evaluation and more patience to go through the process.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
TOPIC: DEALING WITH SELF ABANDONMENT GUEST: DR. MARGARET PAUL Dr. Margaret Paul is a bestselling author, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® self-healing process, recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. She has appeared on numerous radio and television shows (including Oprah). Her book titles include “Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You”, “Healing Your Aloneness”, “Inner Bonding,” and the recently released “Diet For Divine Connection.” Margaret has successfully worked with thousands around the world and taught classes and seminars for over 50 years.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: * The number one (underlying) reason why relationships fail is self-abandonment. * One way that we abandon ourselves is we do not take responsibility for our experience, rather we expect our partner to do it for us.
“We come into relationship expecting to get love rather than share love.” by Dr. Margaret Paul
- Instead of taking responsibility, we try to control overtly (i.e. anger or blame) or covertly (i.e. withdrawing or shutting down), both of which have very negative effects on the relationship.
- What happens when we avoid our feelings.
- What happens when we learn the value and power of our feelings, and how they can help us
“Growing up very few of us learned how to take responsibility for our own fullness, happiness, peace, and joy.” by Dr. Margaret Paul
- What it would look like if we took responsibility for ourselves (dealing with self abandonment).
- What happens when we stop blaming our partners, and we learn to accept them.
“We often mistake control for love.” by Dr. Margaret Paul
- How to cultivate self-love.
- At any given moment, we are operating from one of two intentions. 1. To protect and avoid. 2. To learn and express, and how to know the difference between them.
- How to access more energy, joy, and happiness on a daily basis.
MENTIONED:
- Inner Bonding (website)
- 6 Steps of Inner Bonding (website)
- Diet For Divine Connection (book)
- Inner Bonding (book)
- Healing Your Aloneness (book)
- Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You: Second Edition (book)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with self abandonment and learning how to cultivate self-love helps us get back on track in helping regain your love as a couple.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with self abandonment and learning how to cultivate self-love helps us get back on track in helping regain your love as a couple.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Topic: Fear of outshining in relationship
In ERP 150: What to Do When Stuck in Self-Sabotage, I addressed how it is sometimes difficult to accept and embrace new levels of success, love and abundance. Unconsciously, we have a tendency to sabotage the expansion process because of old limiting beliefs.
“The Upper Limit Problem is our universal human tendency to sabotage ourselves when we have exceeded the artificial upper limit we have placed on ourselves.” by Gay Hendricks, (The Big Leap, page 197)
THE FEAR OF OUTSHINING YOUR PARTNER The fear of outshining is when one partner is afraid of outshining their partner, and actively works to monitor and dim their expression as a form of protection.
In the article, Are you inadvertently dimming your light? When you have a pattern of being afraid of outshining she makes some great options about how people struggle with the fear of outshining others.
“When you try not to outshine, it’s about the People Pleaser in you that wants to protect somebody from feeling bad due to you feeling good or doing well in a particular area.” by Natalie
3 Examples of How people struggle when afraid to outshine, by Natalie:
- “Not wanting to ‘outshine’ with your feelings and opinions. This is likely to be the case if you were raised by someone who dominated the home with their feelings, opinions, needs etc., possibly belittling yours in the process.
- Putting aside a talent or hobby out of fear that your peer group will ostracize you.This is especially likely to be the case if you were bullied or penalized in some way for seemingly outshining when you were a child.
- Suffering from the Imposter Syndrome and so not internalizing your accomplishments and achievements while at the same time feeling ‘bad’ and like a fraud. “
“Trying not to outshine people is not only attempting to control the uncontrollable (a misappropriation of energy) but we’re also judging ourselves and the other party in a particular area when we (and they) are so much more than these ‘parts’.” by Natalie
THE FEAR OF OUTSHINING AS A SUCCESSFUL PERSON & THE IMPACT ON RELATIONSHIP Relationship and intimacy is one of the most important areas of our life and often the most challenging. When one or both people are successful, they are often dealing with their limiting beliefs, patterns, and sabotage, which adds additional layers of complexity to the relationship dynamics. Unfortunately, the relationship takes the brunt of these limiting behaviors through the form of arguing, criticizing, accusing, projecting, withholding, withdrawing, etc.
In The Big Leap, Gay says “the greater success you achieve, the bumpier your relationships tend to be.”
TO AVOID THE TRAPS OF SUCCESS (FROM THE BIG LEAP, BY GAY HENDRICKS): * Be intentional about taking alone time to process, center, and integrate.“These periods of battery-charging alone time give you the ability to master longer and longer periods of closeness when you’re in union with your beloved.” Gay Hendricks 192 * Prioritize transparency and vulnerability. Getting in touch with deeper feelings and expressing them. “I am overwhelmed.” I am tired.” I am scared.” * Accept the discomfort and be interested in the process. So often we want to turn away from the pain, yet there is such valuable and transformational informational awaiting your attention. * Develop an accountability measure. Friends that help remind you of your limiting beliefs and behaviors.
MENTIONED: * The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level, By Gay Hendricks (book) * ERP 150: What To Do When Stuck In Self Sabotage (podcast) * ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) * ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) * ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability * ERP 106: What To Do When You Are Attracted To Someone Else (podcast) * Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 151: HOW TO HANDLE THE TROUBLE OF OUTSHINING IN RELATIONSHIP [TRANSCRIPT]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in understanding Self sabotaging relationship patterns and improving your love relationship. Feeling uncertain about a relationship is challenging and it is important to look into things to consider before making a decision.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
In a recent session, a client asked “Am I sabotaging my relationship?”
After being divorce and single, she has been in the process of dating. With the guy she is currently dating, she is unsure. She wants marriage and long-term partnership, and she doesn’t know if he does. She wants to have an emotionally mature connection, where they are each committed to trying to resolve conflict constructively. She doesn’t know if he is interested or capable.
In exploring her question, based on her situation (They had a long-weekend get-a-way together. They had some conflict.), we discussed:
- Being out of alignment. If she is dating someone who is not interested in a more committed relationship and she wants long-term partnership, she may feel a sense of unease and discontentment regardless of how he shows up.
- Not feeling resolved. Even is he is being super sweet and trying to move forward from a conflict, she may have a difficult time feeling relaxed because she is not clear and resolved about their disagreement.
- Feeling threatened. If she has fear about rejection and abandonment (based on previous hurt and trauma), and she is dating someone who is more causal in their commitment, it is likely that she will find some of his behavior threatening (i.e. not consistent engagement).
- Feeling safe and worthy to experience love. Many times when we are experiencing more love and connection than we have ever known before, we may reach a point where we don’t know how to receive and be present. Hence, we unconsciously self-sabotage.
Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.
THE UPPER LIMIT PROBLEM In “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks, he talks about how we all limit our experience through various ways of self-sabotage.
Most of us grow up experiencing a certain level of success, abundance and love. We might call this our comfort zone. As we grow, develop, and we may strive to accomplish more and achieve new levels of love, abundance, and success. However, when we do this, we are often confronted with a threshold of what we are capable of receiving. Gay calls this our Upper Limit.
This is all happening below our field of awareness. Gay Hendricks describes that we have one or more hidden barriers, which are essentially our fears of why it is not okay to expand into new levels of love, abundance, and success.
When these unconscious fears get activated, we constrict. We cut off the flow of energy and expansion.
When I explain this process to clients, I like to use a cup analogy. The cup represents our comfort zone. The water or liquid that is being poured into the cup represents abundance, love or success. We can easily contain the abundance that fits within our comfort zone. However, when the liquid (or abundance) starts to fill up the cup and seems to be hitting the threshold of what the cup can contain, we start reacting and unconsciously stop the flow of liquid because we do not know how to contain more.
WAYS WE SELF-SABOTAGE Here are some common ways that people cut off the flow of abundance, success, and love (from The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks):
- Worrying
- Blame and criticism
- Getting sick
- Having a accident
- Picking a fight
- Hiding significant feelings
- Not keeping agreements
- Not speaking significant truth to the relevant people
- Deflecting
These are all ways that we unconsciously restrict or limit themselves. I am sure you have heard many stories where someone has accomplished great success and then the next moment they do something to sabotage themselves (i.e. politicians, professional athletes, actors, musicians). Or maybe you can reflect on a memory of your own, where you experienced a great success and then you did something to bring yourself back down.
Gay Hendricks helps us understand why we do this. Most of the time our fear comes from an early experience in life, where we internalized a message that it is not okay to shine or expand.
HERE ARE THE 4 COMMON HIDDEN BARRIERS (FROM THE BIG LEAP, BY GAY HENDRICKS): * Feeling fundamentally flawed * Disloyal and abandonment * Believing that more success brings a bigger burden * The crime of outshining
The goal is to become more aware and mindful about when you experience your upper limit and how to work with it more consciously. Going back to the cup analogy, you will want to expand the size of your cup.
4 KEYS TO WORKING WITH THE UPPER LIMIT PROBLEM (FROM THE BIG LEAP, BY GAY HENDRICKS) * Breathe. Observe. * Adopt an attitude of wonder and play
What was I thinking right before I started worrying?” What was I thinking about right before this happened?
- Explore: What is the underlying fear or concern (hidden barrier)?
- Expand capacity: I consciously expand my capacity for more abundance, success, love every day, as I inspire those around me to do the same.
MENTIONED: * The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level, By Gay Hendricks (book) * ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast) * I’m Not Your Guru (about Tony Robbins (documentary) * Mary Morrissey (website) * Photo by Alban Martel on Unsplash.jpg
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Feeling uncertain about relationship is challenging and it is important to look unto the things to consider before making a decision.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: Sharon writes:
“I have discovered your podcast recently, and it has helped me so much in my own self-reflection and relationships.
My boyfriend and I are considering moving in together, but I am a little worried. We have been together for 9 months. We sleepover with each other a few times a week, so in some ways we are kind of living together already without the financial responsibilities. Regarding habits and lifestyle, I don’t think we will have any problems. He is very excited about living together because he thinks that we will be moving in together anyway. But to me living together is a step closer to marriage and I’m not sure if I’m mentally ready. We are both just starting our careers, and it also seems more practical to live together so we can save up some money. We are still young and definitely not thinking of marriage yet. I’m not sure if I’m just overthinking and worrying too much, which I tend to do. I would love to hear what you have to say on this.”
4 TIPS TO CONSIDER WHEN FEELING UNCERTAIN Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.
- WHAT IS YOUR PRIORITY? WHAT IS YOUR INTENTION? * What is most important for you right now?
- Is it to explore the development of your relationship? Is it to have fun? Is it to focus on your career?
-
Is this a step in the direction of partnership and marriage?
-
WHAT IS YOUR INTRINSIC DESIRE? * What do you really want?
- If you were able to construct the situation exactly the way that you wanted it, what would you do?
-
Are you being influenced by culture, family, friend, your significant other, by research?
-
WHAT IS THE MEANING AND SIGNIFICANCE OF THE THING YOU ARE CONSIDERING? * Is this the 1st time living together with someone? If so, does this have meaning and significance to you?
Scott Stanley, a research professor identifies a distinction with couples, which is “sliding vs. deciding.”
“Two-thirds of cohabiters are in fact sliders, who didn’t much discuss the decision to move into together. It just kind of happened. Moving from dating to sleeping over to sleeping over a lot to cohabitation can be a gradual slope
Once a couple is set up with a shared apartment, routine, dog, and group of friends, summoning the will to break up becomes more and more difficult. When two lives become so thoroughly intermingled, separating them out, starting all over again, will take a lot of effort; the prospect becomes a little daunting. It seems easier to just keep going with things as they are, even if they’re not ideal. Inertia sets in.
More sobering still, is research which suggests that “couples who otherwise would not have married end up married because of the inertia of cohabitation.” They slide their way right down the aisle: “We might as well share an apartment since we’re already spending so much time together” becomes “we might as well stay together since I might not be able to find someone else,” and finally “we might as well get married since we’ve already been living together for so long.”” by Brett and Kate McKay inShould You Live Together Before Marriage?
- WHAT ARE YOUR HIGHEST VALUES? * Consider doing a values exercise to get clear on what are your top values in life.
“Studies have shown that one of the keys to healthy, happy relationships is moving through important transitions deliberately. Whether it’s deciding to have sex, move in together, get married, or have a baby, couples who make these transitions with intentionality — with mutual discussion of meaning, expectations, plans, and purpose — are more likely to flourish.” by Brett and Kate McKay in Should You Live Together Before Marriage?
MENTIONED: * ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship(podcast) * Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner (book) * Photo by Shea Rouda on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
TOPIC: RELATIONSHIP TRAUMA AND RECOVERY GUEST: DR. JANINA FISHER Janina Fisher is a licensed psychologist and international expert on the treatment of trauma and dissociation. Author of “Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors” and co-author of “Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions for Trauma and Attachment,” she is also Clinical Director, Khiron Clinics UK, Assistant Educational Director of the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute, and former Instructor, Harvard Medical School.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: * Trauma has a long-term effect on relationships and intimacy. (relationship trauma and recovery) * All trauma involves human beings. * When people have experienced trauma, they no longer feel safe. * We go into the most important aspects of our lives, like a marriage, without any education. * The modern understanding of trauma.
“Once upon a time, two wise adults saw in each other the potential to build a better life. The potential to have a life very different from what each experienced as children. But what they didn’t know, as they dreamed of this better life, is that they were taking the trauma with them.” by Dr. Janina Fisher
- Trauma is remembered as feeling and sensation memory.
- Trauma contributes to the repetitive arguments in relationship.
“The problem with a feeling memory is you don’t know you are remembering. You think it is happening now.” by Dr. Janina Fisher
- When “feeling memories’ are being triggered, how the triggering of “feeling memories” can destroy a relationship.
- The language of triggering, which requires an important assumption.
- There is no way to move forward with the language of fault. The only way to move forward is with the language of triggering.
- Our first response to an interaction is a feeling sensation. Then, we put words or a story to our feeling sensation, often those words are words of blame.
- When we use language of fault, it jams our partner’s compassion circuits.
“Relationships are the hardest thing you are going to do in your entire life.” by Dr. Janina Fisher
- How to change the habits that keep us entrenched and stuck in viscous circles.
- How mindfulness can support your intention with your partner.
- Couples typically need repetition and a lot of practice to build constructive ways of relating.
- The capacity for each individual to soothe themselves is crucial in relationship.
- How do you agree to address your differences? Do you address them as enemies in relationship or do you address them as normal and natural byproducts of being two different people?
- Tips for finding a trauma therapist.
“Safe starts with us, not our partner. “Am I creating safety?”” by Dr. Janina Fisher
MENTIONED: * Dr. Janina Fisher (website) * Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation, by Janina Fisher (book) * Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions for Trauma and Attachment (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology)(book) * Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute (website) * EMDR (website) * Somatic Experiencing (website) * Internal Family Systems (website) * How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness (podcast) * How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness – Part Two (podcast) * How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness – Part three (podcast) * Photo by Ethan Robertson on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 148: How To Deal With The Effects Of Trauma In Relationship, With Dr. Janina Fisher [TRANSCRIPT]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. It is very important to understand your relationship trauma and recovery to deepen your connection as a couple.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Suzanne Midori Hanna, Ph.D. is a clinician, instructor, and author in couple and family therapy. Her work in medical family therapy has led to an ongoing interest in mind-body issues, mental health, and the neurobiology of cutting edge couple and family therapy. She is the author of The Practice of Family Therapy: Key Elements Across Models, fifth edition and The Transparent Brain in Couple and Family Therapy: Mindful Integrations with Neuroscience.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
If you missed part one of this interview, you can check out ERP 146: How to use the mind body connection to improve your relationship with Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna.
LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: * How to use strengths as a jumping off point, so that you can do the difficult work of turning towards your pain. * How to build a belief in your need for love & safety, as well as how to take steps in getting your needs meet. * One important way of disentangling from dangerous and hostile interactions with your significant other.
“We get into marriage and often we stay strangers for ten years because of our inability to be vulnerable.” Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna
- The differences between the male and female brain and how it impacts our interactions about emotions and attachments needs.
“Once we begin becoming more vulnerable to each other, how to we maintain that sense of safety so the vulnerability can continue?” Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna
- “Outercourse” versus intercourse …getting in tune with how partners are coming across to their partner.
- Defining new rules of engagement.
- How to develop a process with your partner, where both people can feel valued.
MENTIONED: * ERP 146: How to use the mind body connection to improve your relationship with Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna. (Podcast) * Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Website) * Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Amazon page) * Dr. John Gottman – Gottman Institute (Website) * Dr. Susan Johnson (Website) & Leslie Greenberg * Hold Me Tight by Dr. Susan Johnson (book) * Dr. Terry Hargrave’s Restoration Therapy (Website) * Dr. Peter Levine & Somatic Experiencing (Website) * Dr. Pat Ogden & Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute (Website)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Suzanne Midori Hanna, Ph.D. is a clinician, instructor, and author in couple and family therapy. Her work in medical family therapy has led to an ongoing interest in mind-body issues, mental health, and the neurobiology of cutting edge couple and family therapy. She is the author of The Practice of Family Therapy: Key Elements Across Models, fifth edition and The Transparent Brain in Couple and Family Therapy: Mindful Integrations with Neuroscience.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: * “Mindfulness of sensation.” * Using the mind as a mental laser beam. * Mental triggers – Where are you feeling that in your body right now? Put your mind on sensation for a moment and see what you learn.
“Whatever is going on in the mind is going on in the body.” Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna
- How we get stuck complaining in relationship.
- An expanded definition of trauma.
- The body’s role when triggered.
- How to slow down to get to know ourselves through our body.
“The way we are putting the mind and the body together to solve problems is changing the whole landscape of therapeutic work.” Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna
- “Mindfulness of emotion.”
- Primary emotion – emotion of attachment and survival.
- Universal needs for attachment- Love & Safety.
MENTIONED: * Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Website) * Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Amazon page) * Dr. John Gottman – Gottman Institute (Website) * Dr. Susan Johnson (Website) & Leslie Greenberg * Dr. Terry Hargrave’s Restoration Therapy (Website) * Dr. Peter Levine & Somatic Experiencing (Website) * Dr. Pat Ogden & Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute (Website)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 146: HOW TO USE THE MIND BODY CONNECTION TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH DR. SUZANNE MIDORI HANNA [TRANSCRIPT]
Guest: Dr. Marty Klein Dr. Marty Klein has been a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist for over 30 years. He is the author 7 books, including Sexual Intelligence and the recent His Porn, Her Pain: Confronting America’s PornPanic With Honest Talk About Sex.
Each year, Dr. Klein trains thousands of psychologists, physicians, clergy, and attorneys in sexuality. He has been an expert witness or consultant in many state, federal, and international trials involving sexuality, and has given two Congressional briefings on evidence-based sex education.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
Listen to the episode to learn about: * Dr. Marty Klein”s book “His Porn, Her Pain?” * What couples are arguing about when they argue about porn. * The pain that couples experience as it relates to pornography (i.e. body shame, loss of sexual connection, feeling inadequate).
“Talking about porn typically does not uncover how people really feel (i.e. grief, loss of youth, not feeling desired.”
- The role of sexual fantasy and masturbation in porn use.
- How to know if sexual fantasies are healthy.
“Pornography is essentially a library of human sexual fantasy. Fantasy does not predict desire.”
- How to deal with secrecy and shame related to porn use.
“I’m in favor of clear thinking, and people talking about their lived experience together.”
- Dr. Klein’s questions:
- Tell me about what makes you feel good?
- What makes you feel connected to other people?
- How do you feel about sexuality?
- What makes you feel glad you are alive?
- What makes you grow?
- The role of dopamine in watching pornography.
MENTIONED: * Dr. Marty Klein (Website) * Discount code “10P” * Ellyn Bader (Couples Institute Website) * ERP 011: How Technology Impacts Our Relationships (Podcast)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.
If you missed part one, you can check it out here ERP 142, where I give practical explanations and examples of mindfulness. In episode ERP 143, I talked about important research that is showing higher levels of mindfulness contributes to happier, more satisfying relationships. In this episode, I also give you the first 3 ways that mindfulness benefits you and your relationship.
1. More Attentive
2. Able to respond Rather Than React.
3. More Emotionally Regulated
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
7 WAYS MINDFULNESS BENEFITS YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP. 4. Increased Self-Awareness
- As we develop skill in mindfulness, the anterior cingulate cortex in our brain changes. This area is associated with impulse control, attention, emotion, as well with our sense of self.
- Mindfulness helps us control the impulse to act out in destructive and manipulative ways, as well as redirect our attention towards our higher intentions, goals, and values.
- With more self-awareness, we can observe our emotions and behaviors and recognize when we are going down a path of doing and saying things from a hurt place.
- With self-awareness, we can recalibrate when we have gotten off track.
5. Clearer Communication
- “Communication issues” are a frequent complaint couples have when seeking help.
- Most often it is not about needing better communication, but it is about developing the awareness and understanding of what is going on underneath that is important.
- Typically, we will attack, blame, turn away or protest in the hopes that our partner will recognize our hurt and offer reassurance, love, and support. But often this does not work.
- However, if we have clear insight into our vulnerability and pain, we are in a much better position to communicate clearly with our partner. In this case, they are much more likely to be able to understand, empathize and want to help.
How Mindfulness Techniques Can Help Your Relationship, By Erica Turner
“One of the biggest benefits of mindfulness is its ability to help us slow down intense emotional processes. Often, when we are upset or disappointed or frustrated with our partner, our brain is in hyperdrive. We are on high alert in trying to get our needs met and express ourselves. Unfortunately, this high anxiety status can impede us from being able to clearly tell our partners what we’re looking for from them. Approaching your partner mindfully can help you slow down so that you can have a more productive conversation.”
- With mindfulness, we can develop the ability to be more clear and direct with our communication. We can be more tactful and kind, as we assist our partner in meeting us.
6. More Empathy
- With mindfulness, the insula, the part of the brain that is associated with empathy and compassion changes.
- As we develop mindfulness, we have more capacity to understand our partner’s perspective.
- We can identify with their emotion and feel empathy, compassion, and the desire to help.
- This is a major turning point in any difficult conversation, as this is where connection can occur and possibilities start to open up.
- The more we practice, the more care and empathy we can bring to a difficult conversation.
- When our partner feels our care and consideration, they are more likely to open up and engage in a productive way.
- With a climate of more compassion and warmth, partners feel more love, support, and intimacy, which strengthens their bond and connection.
7. More Acceptance
- In the series about pain, I talked about how life involves some degree of pain.
- When we worry about the pain, try to avoid the pain, or try to make it different, we create a lot of suffering.
- Often times, when couples seek help, they have been in pain for a long period of time. Unfortunately, it is actually the way they have tried to avoid the pain that has created much more damage, problems and suffering than the initial pain itself.
- Mindfulness increases our ability to be present with what is.
- As we become more mindful, we achieve a greater sense of inner peace.
HOW TO PRACTICE MINDFULNESS Here are some links to some great mindfulness resources and exercises to get you started:
- 22 Mindfulness Exercises, Techniques & Activities For Adults (Article)
- 6 Mindfulness Exercises You Can Try Today (Article)
- How Mindfulness Techniques Can Help Your Relationship, By Erica Turner (Article)
- Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 1: A Complete Guided Mindfulness Meditation Program from Jon Kabat-Zinn (Audio)
- Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 2 (Audio)
- Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 3 by Kabat-Zinn, Jon (2012) Audio CD (Audio)
MENTIONED: * ERP 143: How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness – Part Two (podcast) * ERP 142: How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness (podcast) * ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) * ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast) * The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf (TED Talk) * Photo by Jared Rice on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship coaching work with me.
If you missed part one, you can check it out here ERP 142, where I give you explanations and examples of mindfulness and how you may already be practicing mindfulness in your life. With a better understanding of mindfulness in general, let’s talk about how mindfulness benefits our relationship.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
HOW MINDFULNESS BENEFITS RELATIONSHIPS. Research is beginning to show us that higher levels of mindfulness contribute to happier, more satisfying relationships.
Generally, mindfulness helps us:
Keeps Things Fresh:
- You are less likely to take each other for granted or be caught up in your stories and expectations.
- You are more likely to recognize the growth and newness in your partner.
- You are more likely to appreciate and value your partner because you are more in the moment and paying quality attention to them.
Soothes Fears and Anxieties:
- While being in relationship provides love and connection, it can also stimulate anxieties and insecurities.
- Fears of being hurt will make us more reactive and protective. Unfortunately, these reactive and protective strategies push our partner away, and lead to more pain, conflict, and disconnect.
- Mindfulness is a valuable tool for dealing with our fears and reactions.
Learning to deal with our insecurities is probably one of the most important skills in keeping a relationship healthy and happy.
7 WAYS MINDFULNESS BENEFITS YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP. 1. More Attentive
- With mindfulness practice, we strengthen the area in our brains associated with attention and focus.
- When practicing mindfulness, we can recognize when we have spaced out, started thinking about something else and come back to our partner.
- For partner’s whose primary love language is “quality time,” attention and focus are the ultimate ways of feeling loved and cared about. When a partner is distracted and preoccupied, they may feel as though “You don’t really care. You don’t really love me.”
- Regardless of your partner’s primary love language, being present and engaged helps create a safe space for your partner to share and express more fully, which it turn cultivates a deeper sense of understanding, intimacy, and connection.
2. Able to respond Rather Than React.
- When practicing mindfulness, we develop our capacity for increased emotional regulation.
- In previous podcast episodes, I have talked about how easily our “fight, flight, or freeze” mode can get activated when we feel threatened. When we are in a triggered place, it is very difficult if not impossible to respond in a level and skillful way.
- Research shows that with mindfulness, we are able to decrease the volume of the amygdala.
- The switch to our “flight, flight or freeze” response is not as easily flipped. The amygdala has less power to hijack us.
Being able to respond rather than react helps partners slow down, take pause and assess the situation before jumping to conclusions. Once we have calmed down, we can communicate more clearly and from the heart, rather than reacting and getting into negative cycles or destructive behavior.
3. More Emotionally Regulated
- Mindfulness strengthens the prefrontal cortex and improves the connectivity between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala.
- The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that is responsible for higher level thinking, perceiving other’s emotions, decision-making, moderating our behavior and regulating our own emotional expression.
- These are all critical brain functions to being able to relate to someone else effectively.
- One of the primary goals of keeping yourself regulated (calm and collected) is to stay in the prefrontal cortex. As soon as your amygdala is firing away, you are in protection mode.
How Mindfulness Can Save Your Relationship By Lisa Firestone
“A typical conversation between a couple may involve one partner remarking, “You used to be up for anything. You were so lively when we met.” This may spark a defensive response in the other partner: “What? You’re saying I’m not spontaneous anymore? You think I’m boring? What about you? You never get off the couch!” This type of angry and accusatory response tends to have a snowball effect. “I never said you were boring, and now you’re calling me lazy? I work day and night to make you happy. You’re so ungrateful.” By Lisa Firestone
Without mindfulness, one is likely to have a short fuse and respond in defended demeanor (i.e. “What is wrong with you?”).
With mindfulness, one is likely to recognize something is going on and be more sensitive. (i.e. “Honey, I see you. Do you want to talk about it?”)
- Imagine a scenario where your partner has done or said something that you find alarming or challenging.
- You feel triggered. You feel your emotions rising to the surface.
- You are at a choice point. You can react or take a few moments to notice your thoughts and emotions.
- As you stay present to noticing your experience (without getting caught up in your story or emotional reaction), you may begin to gain some perspective and emotional balance.
- Then, you can address the situation from a more regulated way rather than just reacting in a defensive and protective manner.
Stay tuned for the next episode for the next four Ways Mindfulness Can Benefit You and Your Relationship.
MENTIONED: * ERP 142: How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness (podcast) * ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) * ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast) * The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf (TED Talk) * Journal of Human Sciences and Extension (journal article) * Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn (video) * Meditation Is Not What You Think: Mindfulness and Why It Is So Important (book) * Photo by Bruno Aguirre on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship coaching work with me.
The demands of modern life keep us busy and pulled in many directions. It is easy to get swept away with schedules and tasks. We hope to be more productive and accomplish more. However, we sometimes expect too much of ourselves and our relationships.
To make matters worse, we often fall into the trap of thinking our relationships are self-sustaining. We believe that a good relationship just works and is easy. However, like with most things, relationships do not grow and flourish with little care and attention.
Additionally, when we are presented with a difficultly or challenge, we often try to avoid the pain. Yet, there can be tremendous value in learning to turn towards the pain and be with it.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In this episode, I am going to give you a little more description of mindfulness.
Description of mindfulness:
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“Mindfulness is a mental state, which is achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while very calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.” by Lode Dewulf
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Without focus, we are prone to going into autopilot, negative habitual thinking, distraction, and preoccupation.
- Mindfulness involves redirecting your focus and attention over and over again. At first, it will feel impossible.
- Jon Kabat Zinn calls it the monkey mind (see below).
- The goal with mindfulness is to train your mind.
- Jon Kabat-Zinn says mindfulness is about paying attention to the present moment on purpose and without judgment.
- Mindfulness helps you experience your life more fully as it is happening, in each moment. You become more present, engaged and connected to what is happening.
- Mindfulness is a skill we can acquire.
- Mindfulness is always available
- Mindfulness is a way to calm ourselves down when distressed.
- Mindfulness increases our awareness of what we are experiencing and the space to decide how we want to act in any given situation.
In the next episode, I will share How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness. Stay tuned
MENTIONED:
ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast)
ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast)
The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf (TED Talk)
Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn (video)
Meditation Is Not What You Think: Mindfulness and Why It Is So Important (book)
“THE VALUE IN PAIN AND THE PAIN IN VALUE”
In last weeks episode, I talked about Lode Dewulf’s Ted Talk The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, and how this relates to relationship pain.
I highly recommend watching the video. He does a great job of describing how we compound the amount of pain we experience, by adding more layers of pain.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In life, we area all faced with pain.
Most of us work really hard at avoiding the pain.
Yet, when we do not meet the pain directly, we create more suffering for ourselves.
Avoiding, resisting and fighting all create additional pain and suffering.
Mindfulness helps regulate the nervous system, so that we can get calm and clear headed.
“Mindfulness is a mental state, which is achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while very calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.” by Lode Dewulf
THE LEARNING PROCESS
The learning process involves four stages. To go to the next stage will involve a little bit of pain.
- Unaware & Incompetent
Insight - Aware & Incompetent
Training - Aware & Competent
Practice - Unaware & Competent
ACCESS YOUR FREE RELATIONSHIP MAP. “Let us stop this obsession to avoid pain. And let us stop the illusion that life, learning, and happiness can ever be without pain. Because that awareness is the first step towards healing out of pain. “ By Lode Dewulf
MENTIONED: * Relationship Map (1 page graphic opt-in) * ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) * The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf (TED Talk) * What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article)
“THE VALUE IN PAIN AND THE PAIN IN VALUE”
Last year, I can across this Ted Talk, The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf
I highly recommend watching the video. He does a great job of describing how we compound the amount of pain we experience, by adding more layers of pain.
Lode’s teaching apply to all types of pain, physical, mental, emotional, etc. Today, I we’re going to focus on relationship pain.
Why is it…“Our best way and often only way of dealing with pain seems to be avoidance. Pain is that big elephant that lives in most rooms of our life and that we prefer to ignore or suppress. No wonder then that the business of pain suppression is big business. In 2015 alone, over 300 million prescriptions for painkillers were written in the world for a total cost of 24 billion US dollars. Making painkillers the second most prescribed class of medicines after anticancer drugs. Strikingly, 95% of that consumption is in the United States and Europe with US taking the vast majority.” by Lode Dewulf
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
RELATIONSHIP PAIN
When it comes to relationship pain, we often get confused.
On one hand, we fantasize about the idyllic beginnings of relationship comparing the current experience to the “way things used to be.” When we enter into the power struggle stage, we often are disillusioned by the relationship challenges. Thinking, “I didn’t sign up for this.”
On the other hand, we know relationships take a level of investment and attention. We understand that keeping a relationship healthy requires effort. Sometimes the effort will require us to heal and grow, which can feel painful.
How much pain is too much?
For me the question is more about how are we dealing with our pain? Are we directly meeting our pain or are we denying, deflecting, avoiding, projecting suppressing in ineffective, dysfunctional, and harmful ways?
Access your free Relationship Map.
Client example: (please listen to the episode for full description)
Like – Past/Loss: He might say, “I miss the days where she adored me and was loving toward me.” She might say. “I miss feeling him with me and our connection.”
Like – Future/Desire: He might say, “I wish she would treat me with more consideration and respect.” She might say, “I wish he would engage with me and let me in.”
Dislike – Past/Anger: Blame: He might say, “She is such a villian. I can’t believe I put up with this!” She might say, “He is so passive. How are we to have a relationship, if he doesn’t show up!” Guilt: He might say, “I don’t know how to give her what she wants. Maybe I am not good enough.” She might say, “Why did I choose a guy like this? Why didn’t I see the signs?”
Dislike – Future/Fear: He might say, “Is this how it is going to be. I don’t know how to live with someone who is constantly berating or belittling me. I may never be truly happy.” She might say, “I have tried everything to get him to engage. Maybe he doesn’t really care about me and will leave me. I may never have real love.”
TURNING TOWARDS PAIN
If you have listened to my previous podcasts, I talk about turning towards your pain, so that you can see what is going on. Once you have more clarity, then you can share with your partner more vulnerability. When your partner can see you and your hurt, they are likely to soften. This begins to create safety, allowing more openness and connection.
Conversely, when we don’t turn towards our pain. We will consciously or often unconsciously, work really hard to protect ourselves. We all have really good strategies to shut down, ignore, divert, protest, go intellectual, criticize, and blame…all of which are ways to attempt avoiding the pain. However, what ends up happening is we complicate the dynamic and create more pain and suffering.
If you blame and attack your partner, they are likely to get defensive. If you shut down, your partner is likely going to want to seek you out.
In next weeks episode, I’ll share more about how my clients experienced a dramatic transformation in their connection. I will also be referencing another teaching tool from Lode Dewulf’s TED Talk, so that you have a better understanding of how to deal with pain in a more constructive manner.
MENTIONED:
- Relationship Map(1 page graphic opt-in)
- The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf (TED Talk)
- What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship?(article)
- What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity, By Karin Jones(article)
- Photo by Josh Nuttall on Unsplash
- Photo by Lauren Kayon Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT:
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTION
“I love your podcast! Thank you so much for all your advice. I have been dating a guy ten years my age for just over a year. The first 5 months of our relationship I was emotionally cheating with my ex. When it became open I cut off communication and worked very hard to gain back trust. It’s been eight months on a rollercoaster of emotions trying to earn back trust. I did everything I thought to do to fix my mistakes and it seemed futile. It came to the point where I told myself I was “done” if he aggressively accused me and belittled me one more time. It happened of course and that was a turning point for me. I have lost interest in trying. Now my boyfriend decided he doesn’t want to lose me and wants to work on things and even offered to pay for counselling… but I can’t get my ex (whom I cheated on with) out of my head. I haven’t contacted him since I don’t want things to be messier than they are but I don’t know what to do. Is my obsession with my ex is real or fake. Should I stay and fix this since my boyfriend wants to work on things or should I move on or contact my ex?”
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
POINTS DISCUSSED
- It is nearly impossible to create a thriving, intimate, safe, conscious connection, when there is a lot of withholding.
“Withdrawal and projection are the natural outcomes of withholding. When you withhold, you keep inside yourself things that should be expressed. The very act of hiding these things takes you one step back from the relationship. A result of this withdrawal is that you will begin to project. In other words, you begin to attribute to other people things that are actually issues of your own. Withdrawal follows withholding so swiftly that often we do not notice the sense of distance at first.” By Gay Hendricks & Kathlyn Hendricks (Conscious Loving, page 48)
- It is difficult to assess the quality of the connection (because you haven’t been fully present). You can only speculate what things would be like if you were really “in” the relationship.
- Withholding leads to perceiving things inaccurately because we are not actually connecting with the other person, we are making up a story about it true for them and this leads to gross misunderstandings and disconnect. More importantly, it does not give room for the other person to really see you, meet you, and be with you AND this is what creates intimacy and connection.
- This is a vicious cycle. The more you withhold, the more your partner senses something is off. Your partner has a choice in how he deals with the threatening feelings. Unfortunately, many people do not feel safe or have the skill to say “I am scared you are not really in this with me.” Instead, people will react out of fear and disconnect. This is where destructive behaviors happen. This is where the downward spiral ensues. Both partners turn away from each other, losing trust in one another and the relationship.
RECOMMENDATIONS:
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Set limits about what type of behavior you are willing to engage with.
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If he starts belittling you, then I would remove yourself from the situation.
- It will be important to discuss this ahead of time. Let him know you care about his experience.
- If he has concern, issue, or feelings about something, you are available to listen and be with him. But you are not willing to be the target.
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Talking about it ahead of time will help him understand that you are not rejecting him in the moment, rather you are trying to create safety by removing yourself from a negative interaction.
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Turn inward to reflect on some of your deeper motivations.
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What does your ex represent for you? What associations do you have with him?
- What are you missing in your current relationship? Want are you longing for?
- What does fantasizing about your ex do for you? Is it a form of escape? For example, you are not wanting to face the pain and difficulty within your relationship.
- What stops you from being completely honest and transparent?
Are you afraid of his reaction?
Are you afraid of hurting him?
Do you feel scared of conflict?
Do you not feel safe?
Do you not want to lose your partner?
Many times people get preoccupied with questions like “Is this the right person for me? Is this the right relationship? Should I stay or should I go?” These are very difficult questions to answer. Instead, I would like to encourage questions like “How can we invest in a positive, constructive dynamic together? How can we build a safe connection? How can we build trust?”
You already know the dynamic isn’t working. Focus on repairing the interactions and this will give you a better opportunity of saving your relationship. I would highly recommend getting support to work through the areas that have been keeping you stuck, as well as to build a constructive path forward. At the very least, you will learn a lot about yourself.
MENTIONED:
- Nine Destructive Behaviors to Avoid During Relationship Conflict(article)
- ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship(podcast)
- ERP 057: How To Avoid Enabling Your Partner’s Destructive Behavior(podcast)
- ERP 109: How Being Gentle With Your Partner Can Make A Big Difference(podcast)
- ERP 106: What To Do When You Are Attracted To Someone Else(podcast)
- ERP 024: The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts(podcast)
- ERP 025: Be The Best You Can Be In Relationship(podcast)
- ERP 014: How To Stop The Drama In Relationship(podcast)
- ERP 124: How To Improve The Climate Of Your Relationship(podcast)
- ERP 138: The most critical ingredient for relationship success with Harville Hendrix & Helen Hunt(podcast)
- ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin(podcast)
- Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment(book)
- Photo by Shoaib SR on Unsplash
- Photo by Aditya Saxena on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT:
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 139: How Hiding And Withholding Damage Your Relationship [TRANSCRIPT]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Dr. Hendrix is a couple’s therapist with over 40 years experience as an educator, clinical trainer and lecturer whose work has been on Oprah 18 times. In addition to Dr. Hunt’s partnership with her husband in the co-creation of Imago, she is sole author of Faith and Feminism. She was installed in the Women’s Hall of Fame for her leadership in the global women’s movement. Helen and Harville have been married for over 30 years, have six children, and reside in Dallas, Texas.
LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT:
- Why we fall in love and what happens in the partnering process.
- What drives us and compels us towards particular people.
- What is going on in the brain when we partner in a love relationship.
- How childhood experiences impact our relational needs.
“Your unconscious mind is experiencing and connecting with a person in adulthood who is similar to the caretakers you had in childhood, and that activates the hope and possibility that you will get those needs met.”
• How couples can shift their relationship dynamics.
• When there is conflict how to understand what unconscious patterns might be involved, and a valuable tool to help identify and assist in shifting these unconscious patterns.“The formula embedded in your frustration with your partner is a wish in disguise, in that it is an unexpressed desire.”
• How to engage in a dialogue process with your partner to increase understanding, empathy, and connection.
• What the term Zero Negativity means.
• Why negativity is one of the worst things you can do in relationship.“The primary commitment is to reconnect as quickly as possible so our brains don’t become habituated to a disconnected state.”
• Important advice about what is most important to making relationships successful.
MENTIONED:
• The Space Between: The Point of Connection (book)
• Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition (book)
• Making Marriage Simple: Ten Relationship-Saving Truths (book)
• Harville & Helen (website)
• Relationships First (website)
• The Gottman Institute (website)
• Dr. Sue Johnson (website)
• Dr. Dan Siegel (website)
• Dr. Stephen Porges (website)
TRANSCRIPT:Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
ERP 138: The Most Critical Ingredient For Relationship Success, With Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt [TRANSCRIPT]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST: KATE MOYLE Kate Moyle is an Accredited Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist and In House Expert and Partner at Pillow App for Couples. Pillow helps busy couples to fit intimacy into their lives in a convenient and connecting way, by providing audio-guided intimacy episodes that focus on sensual touch, communication, eye-contact and other basic forms of intimacy.. Kate is passionate about having open, honest and realistic conversations about sex, relationships and intimacy in order to help those she works with and the thousands that have downloaded Pillow get closer to achieving the relationships that they want.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: * What a psychosexual therapist is and what they do. * How to define or redefine sex and intimacy. * How we typically measure the health of our sex lives. * Learn how to communicate about sex with your partner when you have different needs or desires. * How to deal with your expectations and assumptions about sex. * What to do when you feel pressure to perform. * How to gain confidence and be comfortable with the role of sex in our lives. * How to build intimacy and connection in relationship.
MENTIONED: * Pillow (website) * Kate Moyle (website) * Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (Amazon link) * Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 137: How To Make Space For Sex In Your Relationship [TRANSCRIPT]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
If you missed part one, please check out ERP 135, where I give you a greater understanding of what is happening during the grieving process. I talk about what to look out for if you are experiencing loss in your life, as well as what you might expect with the stages of grief.
In this episode, I give you 6 tips on how to cope and heal when dealing with loss in your life and relationship.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
6 TIPS ON HOW TO COPE WITH GRIEF & LOSS These tips can be used and combined in various ways. They not intended to be used in any particular order.
T.R.I.B.E.S. T. Take Action.
- Somatic psychology research helps us understand the importance of using our bodies to shift the emotional charge and intensity of a loss.
R. Ritual.
- Homemade rituals can be powerful ways to bring our healing and intentions into focus.
I. Impeccable self-care.
- As mentioned in ERP 135, when grieving, our whole system (physically, emotionally, psychologically) is trying to cope with the loss.
- Giving yourself the extra support and care will help you recover more efficiently and effectively.
B. Be Present With Love.
- At some point, we have to choose, whether or not we are going to deny it, fight it, or attempt to control it, or are we going to accept the loss.
- Accepting often feels like a sense of surrender.
- When we are present and open, we are more available to the presence of love all around us.
“Sometimes it feels as though we are broken open to find that we are whole.”
E. Express Yourself.
- You have to “Feel it to heal it.”
- When we attend to our emotional process, we have a greater opportunity to heal and grow.
- You have to “Name it to tame it.”
S. Seek Support.
- While being around friends and family may be difficult, meaningful connection can offer feelings of connection, warmth, and positivity.
As a reminder grief looks different for each person, be gentle with yourself and do your best to work with your healing process. If you need extra support, consider reaching out to a therapist or coach.
MENTIONED: * ERP 135: How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part One (podcast) * ERP 036: How To Offer The Gift Of Listening (podcast) * ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? (podcast) * Santa Barbara Bucket Brigade 2018 (Volunteer page) * Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma (book) * Ram Dass: Fierce Grace (dvd) * Coping With Grief & Loss, by HelpGuide.org (article) * Empowered Relationship FB Page
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Grief is a universal emotion, and loss is an experience we can all relate to…whether we have been faced with a tragedy beyond our control, like a natural disaster, or whether we are contemplating a relationship separation or divorce.
Even the act of addressing long-standing issues in relationship, can bring up feelings of anticipatory grief. This is especially true when confronting significant issues or issues that haven’t been dealt with for a long while. Once we are questioning the relationship, we are contemplating the possible loss.
Grief is a natural response to loss and can evoke intense emotional pain.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
EMOTIONAL LITERACY & GRIEF Processing grief is a difficult task in and of itself and is made even more difficult when we have little experience paying attention to our emotional world.
When we are not accustomed to meeting our feelings, we do not have emotional literacy. Emotional literacy refers to the ability to understand, express, and manage our feelings.
In Dr. Jennifer Ballarini’s post, “The Police Officer’s Paradox,” she quotes Lt. Al Benner with the San Francisco Police.
“To function effectively in our job, you must annihilate, smother, and suppress normal emotions like fear, anger, revulsion, and even compassion. To do so otherwise is to invite overwhelming doubt or hesitancy when decisive action is required. The penalty for your achieved competence is a mindset that might as well be a foreign language to your social contemporaries. We are…victims of our own success. When these same normal and appropriate emotions…surface in personal relationships, we automatically shut down and wonder why, over time, that the people we care about the most complain that we are aloof, cold, and uncommunicative.” — Lt. Al Benner, San Francisco Police
People in other professions like surgeons, doctors, nurses, first responders, firefighters, etc. are also required to set aside their emotions, so that they can focus on their job to protect, save, and heal.
Our upbringings can also influence our emotional literacy. If we grew up in an environment that did not welcome, allow, or value emotions, then we are likely to have negative beliefs about emotions. For example, emotions are:
- irrational
- purposeless
- valueless
- not to be trusted
- dangerous
- unsafe
- unknown
- mysterious.
When we do not have experience giving our emotions value, we tend to feel overwhelmed when confronted with intense emotional pain. We have a hard time being with present with our feelings. We don’t know what to do.
WHAT GRIEF FEELS LIKE: Grief will look different for each person. There is no right way to grieve and there is no exact time frame for the process. The feelings of grief often come in waves. You may feel fine one moment and then the next moment, you may feel unbearable pain.
Your body is working overtime to recover and heal. You will likely undergo an emotional, physical, psychological response to the loss.
You may experience a range of feelings:
- Shock
- Numbness
- Sadness
- Guilt
- Anger
- Fear
- Irritability
You may experience physical symptoms such as:
- No appetite or nausea
- Sleep disturbances
- Difficulty thinking or making decisions
- Fatigue
- Anxiety
- Stressed
- Mental focus and memory difficulties.
You may be struggling with questions like:
- Who am I now?
- What is really important now?
You may feel a sense of shattering of your:
- Identity
- Goals
- Dreams
- Desires
- Expectations.
WHAT TO BE AWARE OF WITH GRIEF: Grief will trigger feelings of previous loss grief and loss.
Pay special attention to when you are activated (or triggered) and what feelings are coming up for you, especially if you have experienced trauma in the past. I highly encourage seeking additional support in this event.
Grief is different than depression. If you notice that you are having negative thoughts or negative behaviors towards yourself, please consider getting support and guidance to handle your loss. A depressive state can greatly complicate the grieving and healing process.
FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF 1. Shock or Denial. “This can’t be happening. I don’t know how to process this. This is too much to deal with. I can’t do this right now.”
2. Anger. “This is messed up. I am so mad at you. Why did you do this to me? You ruined my life. I wasted so much time with you.”
3. Bargaining. “What if we tried this or tried that? What if I was different in this way? What if I did this for you?”
4. Acceptance. “She is leaving me. I don’t want to be in relationship anymore. I am sad, but it is what it is.”
5. Moving on. “I am going to focus on improving myself. I am going to make a list of all the things I want to do. I want to meet new people.”
Be patient with your grieving process. Stay tuned for part two for tips in how to deal and cope with grief and loss.
To take your relationship development to the next level, check out the Connected Couple program.
MENTIONED: * ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? (podcast) * ERP 080: Finding Family: Part Two (podcast) * The Police Officer’s Paradox, by Dr. Jennifer Ballarini (article) * Coping With Grief & Loss, by HelpGuide.org (article) * Empowered Relationship FB Page * Photo by Ben White on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST: CANDY CRAWFORD Candy Crawford, MSW, LCSW, is a therapist, educator, and advocate for highly sensitive people. She maintains a private practice in the Chicago area, where she specializes in working with the highly sensitive and facilitates workshops and retreats in collaboration with Elaine Aron, research psychologist and pioneer in the study of this trait.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON FACTS: Highly Sensitive Person is a layman’s term. The scientific name is Sensory Processing Sensitivity.
- It is innate and occurs in 20% of the population. Therefore, 1 in 5 people have this trait.
- It is not a disorder or developmental issue.
- It occurs equally in men and women.
- 70% are introverted. 30% are extroverted.
- The tendency is found in the immune system, as well as the central nervous system.
- It is found in over 100 animal species.
FOUR PILLARS OF HSP: D.O.E.S.
D: Depth of processing.
O: Over arousal or overwhelm.
E: Emotional intensity.
S: Sensory sensitivity.
“Our brain is processing information in a more concentrated form.” By Candy Crawford
HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM HIGHLY SENSITIVE? If you think you might be a Highly Sensitive Person, you may want to take a self assessment test to get an indication (by Elaine Aron).
Here are a couple of examples from Elaine Aron’s HSP Self-test:
- “I am easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input.”
- “I seem to be aware of subtleties in my environment.”
- “I have a rich, complex inner life.”
- “I notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art.”
If you are a parent and want to determine if your child is a HSP, then you can take this self-test to identify if your child has the trait.
BENEFITS AND CHALLENGES TO BEING A HSP People who are highly sensitive offer great gifts to the world. They typically offer unusual depth and complexity, tenderness, and conscientiousness. They tend to be great listeners, leaders, and loyal companions. They are often creative and compassionate.
One of the main drawbacks of having this trait is 80% of the population doesn’t understand the experience of a highly sensitive person. Therefore, a highly sensitive person often feels misunderstood.
Another consideration is that the demands of our modern, busy, chaotic world can feel overwhelming.
“We exhibit such a full range of humanity.” by Candy Crawford
Important notes:
Self-care is a critical key to thriving as a highly sensitive person. HSP’s need daily down time.
The goal is to strive for an Optimal Level of Arousal, which is where the nervous system is moderately alert and aroused, in that too much or too little stress can be problematic.
“It requires a certain level of courage and a sense of self to live in alignment with your trait.” by Candy Crawford
SENSITIVITY AND INTIMACY: * HSP’s tend to get very bored in relationship. * They don’t enjoy small talk and prefer deeper conversations. * They enjoy discussing existential topics. * They love to process about their relationships. * They bring a level of intensity. * They can become overwhelmed quickly when in conflict. * They look for meaning and significance in relationship.
Understanding and gaining education about the needs of the highly sensitive person can be helpful in enabling the couple to work together in collaboration rather than resorting to blame, comparisons, and criticism.
Helpful ways to interact with a HSP:
- Take an interest in your partner.
- Be curious.
- What has moved you?
- What was something you wondered about today?
Tips for a HSP:
- Know your limits.
- Remove yourself when you get overwhelmed.
- Take care of yourself.
- Communicate your needs.
- To learn an important suggestion in how to develop a stronger sense of self, please listen to the interview with Candy Crawford.
“In relationship, you want two fully functioning independent people showing up.” by Candy Crawford
MENTIONED: * The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine Aron (website) * HSP Self-Test (self-test) * Candy Crawford LCSW (website) * The Highly Sensitive Person (book) * Sensitive (documentary) * Sensitive and In Love (documentary * HSP and Horses (event) * HSP Gatherings (event) * Is Your Child Highly Sensitive? (self-test)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you! ❤
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LASER COACHING SESSION In this episode, I offer feedback to a listener who wants to deepen the level of commitment in his relationship, but is worried about coming on too strong and scaring her off. He is also afraid of getting rejected.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear the conversation and examples to describe these points.)
TIPS TO CONSIDER: * State your desire as openly and honestly as possible. * Practice safe vulnerability. Take care of yourself. Look for an opportunity for mutual engagement. * Give space for your partner’s authentic experience. * Honor your values and relationship goals.
Excerpt from The Gottman Institute:
“If you suffer a physical injury, would you wait weeks or even years before seeing a doctor? Probably not, because you know that a doctor can assess what’s wrong and treat it before things gets worse.
Unfortunately, most couples don’t think of emotional injuries in the same way. The average couple waits six years before seeking help, and by that point it can too late.
The good news is that, according to the research, prevention is 3x more effective than intervention.”
To get support and invest in the strength and health of your relationship, check out the Connected Couple program.
MENTIONED: * The Gottman Institute (website) * Photo by Gerome Viavant on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 133: How to confront the commitment conversation when you are afraid of rejection [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST: ANI ANDERSON AND BRIAN TRZASKOS Ani Anderson and Brian Trzaskos are a dynamic husband and wife team who help compassionate entrepreneurs create the financial freedom they really want without compromising their integrity. As sought after rehabilitation and energy medicine professionals for over two decades, they have helped thousands of people achieve their desires through employing natural law and sensation-based mindset practices. Together they have created multiple businesses, a teaching institute, blended a family, and love sharing with other couples the secret to their success.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
NOTES FROM ANI ANDERSON AND BRIAN TRZASKOS: Brian & Ani share their story and how they came into relationship with a deep desire for a more expanded experience in life.
They talked about the transformational process of being honest, authentic, and clear about their path to move forward together.
“Storms happen in people’s life. Things just come out of nowhere and are completely unexpected, but when we meet them with complete honesty and integrity than everyone through the process has an opportunity to shift and change and come to a higher level of being within themselves also.” – Brian Trzaskos
Memory recapitulation process:
- 3 favorite memories from childhood.
- 3 favorite personal memories as an adult.
- 3 favorite professional memories as an adult.
Through the sensation-based mindset work, you can identify the top felt quality and sensation from these memories.
To discover more about the sensation-based word you identified, you can look up the definition, synonyms and antonyms of the top sensation. The opposite of the felt sensation will be a key part of your experience.
Then, you will come up with a statement for the sensation-based word, which then becomes your compass for making decisions. This sentence structure becomes your Soul’s Agenda Statement.
In relationship, your partner can support your soul’s agenda, and you can support their soul’s agenda as well.
When you know what your partner’s core purpose is, then you can ask very powerful, compassionate reminder questions. For example:
- What do you need to express?
- Where are you trapped right now?
“Knowing your soul’s agenda and both sides of the coin really allows people to remain conscious and open even in the difficult times, so they can see opportunities and get to the next level.” Ani Anderson
MENTIONED: * Ani Anderson & Brian Trzaskos’ website Practical Alchemist (website). * Free gift: https://www.practicalalchemist.com/empoweredrelationships/
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 132: How To Work With Your Soul’s Agenda With Ani Anderson and Brian Trzaskos [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
In ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One, I talked about the article, titled “Masters Of Love,” by Emily Esfahani Smith
The article discussed the key to lasting relationships comes down to kindness and generosity. Based on the research of Gottman and others, “kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.”
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days.
25 TIPS FOR BUILDING KINDNESS (16-20) 21. BE INCLUSIVE. In relationship, we can drift into being a little more self-focused. Over time the relationship can become one-sided, in that one partner dominants the decision making.
How do you and your partner make decisions? Do you make unilateral decisions or do you solicit your partner’s input and feedback?
If you are the more assertive one in the relationship, perhaps take a little more time to include your partner in the decision making process. Consider their needs, values, and preferences AND take time to understand the importance of what those things mean to them. Most likely their interest have a particular significance to them, and when we don’t take time to learn more we could be missing a great opportunity.
- Ask their opinion. What do you think?
- Let them know you value their perspective and thoughts.
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Include them in conversation and activities.
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HAVE YOUR PARTNER’S BACK. How can you work together as a stronger team? This takes time, practice, and trust to develop. We all have our unique strengths and weaknesses.
Maybe together, you and your partner can look at your collective efforts and how you can compliment each other and have each others’ back.
We all go through phases and seasons, maybe it be worth considering how to help more, if your partner is struggling. Is there a way you can offer to make your partner’s life easier and take something off their plate?
Another way of having your partner’s back is to take your partner’s side when they’re upset about something outside the relationship. This means being supportive even if you think they’re being unreasonable.
- PUT YOUR PARTNER FIRST. Putting your partner first may be harder for people who have children and/or busy careers. However, many times I have seen clients feel hurt or insecure with how their partner does not prioritize their needs and preferences. This is especially true for the natural giver and pleaser in the relationship.
From time to time, prioritize your partner’s needs first. Help your partner feel important and cared about. Instead of putting work or the children first, put their needs first. Help them feel special.
- When you walk in the door, hug them first.
- Make their favorite dinner.
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Do something they want to do. Share in an activity they enjoy.
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PRACTICE ACCEPTANCE INSTEAD OF CONTROL. Respect your partner’s choices and preferences. Give space for your partner to be who they are.
To alleviate anxiety, stress, and fear, it is common to want to control your partner as a source of relief.
Offering acceptance to your partner helps create a feeling of unconditional regard, where your partner can let their guard down and feel okay to just be.
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APPRECIATION & GRATITUDE In the article “Masters Of Love,” by Emily Esfahani Smith quotes John Gottman “There’s a habit of mind that the masters have, which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”
-
Look for the good.
- Focus on your partner’s positive attributes.
- Intentionally appreciate your relationship and your partner.
Your mindset and focus will greatly influence how you treat your partner. By choosing to attend to the positive aspects of your relationship, by recalling good memories, or your partner’s strengths, you will add positive energy into your dynamic.
When negativity arises, notice what is going on for you. You may be irritable for other reasons (i.e. long day, giving too much to other, needing a little self-care), or you have a concern with something within your relationship, or it might be a habit to scan for the negative.
In all situations, it will be helpful to counterbalance the negativity by consciously choosing to acknowledge goodness in your partner.
The next level is to express your appreciation and gratitude through the form of compliments, appreciations, and acknowledgements.
- “You look great.”
- “I see how hard you are working and it means a lot to me.”
- “Thank you for making me laugh.”
Cultivating positive interactions, big and small, helps you strengthen your relationship.
- Appreciations. “I appreciate…”
- Thank your partner.
- Write a love letter about what you admire about them, a endearing memory together, how you have grown closer as a couple, etc.
If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days.
To take your relationship development to the next level, check out the Connected Couple program.
MENTIONED: * ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love (podcast) * ERP 128: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Two (podcast) * ERP 129: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Three (podcast) * ERP 130: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Four( podcast) * A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article) * Masters Of Love by Emily Esfahani Smith (article) * Brené Brown on Empathy (video) * The Power Of Vulnerability (TED Talk) * Listening To Shame (TED Talk) * Empowered Relationship FB Page * Photo by Courtney Hedger on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 131: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Five [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
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In ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One, I talked about the article, titled “Masters Of Love,” by Emily Esfahani Smith
The article discussed the key to lasting relationships comes down to kindness and generosity. Based on the research of Gottman and others, “kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.”
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days.
25 TIPS FOR BUILDING KINDNESS (16-20) 16. ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER’S PERSPECTIVE. In relationship, people want to feel heard, understood, respected, and validated. This is especially true during conflict or a difference of opinion. Often partners will go around and around explaining themselves over and over in an attempt to feel understood. When they don’t feel heard and understood, voices raise, conflict escalates and disconnect increases.
Amazing shifts occur when partners can take the time to not only hear their partner’s words, but truly listen… not only comprehend their partner’s issue, but to understand it deeply.
You do not have to agree with your partner to understand and entertain their perspective.
A big key in being able to put yourself in your partner’s shoes is to slow down. So often, we feel a sense of urgency and we want to rush through the conflict as quickly as possible. However, this generally causes more problems.
When partners can see the validity in each other’s experience, they begin to work together and their conflictual dynamic dramatically improves. Letting your partner know that you get why they feel the way they do or how their perspective makes sense (even if you don’t agree) helps them feel seen, heard, acknowledged and respected.
When both partners feel understood, acknowledged, and respected, they can collaborate more easily to work towards creative solutions.
If you need more practice with this, consider checking out this article or some of my podcasts about conflict.
- EMPATHIZE AND APOLOGIZE. Offer sincere empathy when you take your partner’s perspective. When you imagine what it is like for them as they describe their experience, attune to their emotional world. Try to understand what they have been feeling or better yet imagine what you would feel if you were in the same scenario, exactly as they described it.
Brené Brown has done so much to teach us about the power of empathy and human connection. I still recommend her TED Talks and RSA animated shorts (see below for links).
Empathy can be conveyed in a few simple words or even through your nonverbal expressions and gestures (i.e. body posture and facial expressions).
The goal is to be present with your partner’s pain and not turn away. Be willing to “feel with” your partner.
Empathy helps people feel accepted and connected, rather than feeling shame and alone. A little bit of empathy can go a long way in building an emotional bond and sense of togetherness.
Apologies are where we acknowledge how our ways have impacted our partner and maybe even admit fault. Yet, many people have a hard time getting to this place because they feel defensive and protective. Apologies are easier when we drop the ball. We know we messed up and we can easily apologize. An apology is much harder when you had no intention to hurt your partner. Even harder still is apologizing when you feel that your actions were justified. In this case, it may be an apology for a specific part of the interaction.
- “I am sorry I reacted.”
- “I am sorry I got defensive.”
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“I am sorry I hurt your feelings.”
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ACKNOWLEDGE PLACES YOU AND YOUR PARTNER AGREE. As I mentioned before, negative emotions carry a lot of weight. Hence, this is why John Gottman recommends the 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, as it takes 5 positives to counteract the 1 negative interaction.
In the business sector, it is common for customer service representatives to get more negative feedback than positive. Generally, people will complain about a concern, but they will not comment about their positive experiences. This is also true in relationship. We vocalize our complaints and issues, but we don’t always express our positive feedback.
During conflictual times, it is easy to lose sight of the positives. We forget our partner loves us. We overlook all the ways they give and care for us. We ignore their good intentions and positive efforts to help. We forget they are in pain too.
One way to acknowledge the areas that are working well in your relationship is to look at the places you agree and are on the same page.
Finding opportunities for agreement can build a sense of alliance and help shift the direction of the conversation. Any form of agreement can build some quality of togetherness. Some couples have shared that when they had a bad experience with a therapist or coach, one good thing that came out of the experience is that they joined together in their complaints, which ironically had a positive impact on their relationship.
- WORK WITH YOUR PARTNER. Learning to work with your partner, during a conflict is probably the most important task we are faced with in relationship.
During a conflict, it can feel like your partner has the power to hurt you and possibly utterly destroy you, the last thing you will want to do is be gracious, kind, and emotionally vulnerable. Most likely, everything in your nervous system is going to tell you “Protect at all costs.” Yet, this is the very thing that makes your partner your adversary, which will over time tear your relationship apart.
As much as we would like to stay protected, behind our defenses, and only meet our partner when it appears to be safe, our hiding and protective strategies contribute to our feeling unsafe. True understanding, empathy, and collaboration cannot happen when we are busy defending and protecting ourselves.
First, calm yourself down and reorient your goal to “work towards a resolution with your partner.” When I just started practicing some of these relationship principles, I remember having to check-in with myself during an argument. I would ask myself “Do I want to win right now? Or do I want to work towards a resolution?” Many times, my honest answer was “I want to be right. I want to win.” If that was my answer, I would do my best to shift my goal or end the conversation to revisit at a later time.
If you treat your partner as an ally, you will accomplish so much more. It is so interesting that our legal system is governed by the rule “innocent until proven guilty.” Yet, in our intimate relationships, we accuse each other as guilty, with the utmost certainty, even before having a dialogue. How can we be so sure?
The certainty comes from our most protective instincts. Our instincts actually don’t care if they are misreading the situation or are operating on inaccurate information. All they care about is protecting against any threat, saying “Better safe than sorry.”
This is why we need extra training in how to deal with stress, differences, and pain in relationship, so that we can be allies together on the path of long, lasting intimacy.
- PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE. In the beginning stages of love and romance, men and women go to great lengths to show appeal and sexiness towards their partner. Then, the demands of life set in, and we can start to feel drained and depleted. Often, the goal of partner bonding becomes more practical…something along the lines of comfort, relaxation, and soothing.
Unfortunately, it can feel as though time erodes the feelings of care and concern in even the best of relationships. People stop doing the nice little things they used to do for each other because they’re too tired, too stressed out, or start waiting for the other person to do something nice first. Partners can feel taken for granted and horribly lonely.
Have you gotten lazy in regards to romance and extra gestures of love and care?
Can you do something special to express romance and/or sexiness towards your partner?
- Enjoy a candle lit dinner.
- Slow dance together.
- Get dressed up.
- Wear a sexy undergarment.
- Use your imagination.
If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days.
Stay tuned for the last five tips for building kindness in the upcoming podcast episode. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love:
MENTIONED: * ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love (podcast) * ERP 128: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Two (podcast) * ERP 129: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Three (podcast) * ERP 036: How To Offer The Gift Of Listening( podcast) * A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article) * Masters Of Love by Emily Esfahani Smith (article) * Brené Brown on Empathy (video) * The Power Of Vulnerability (TED Talk) * Listening To Shame (TED Talk) * Sex & In The City clip: Miranda Moment Brazilian (video) * Empowered Relationship FB Page * Photo by Alex Holyoake on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 130: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Four [transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
In ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One, I talked about the article, titled “Masters Of Love,” by Emily Esfahani Smith
The article discussed the key to lasting relationships comes down to kindness and generosity. Based on the research of Gottman and others, “kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.”
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days.
25 Tips for Building Kindness (11-15)
11. Learn how to address issues.
Most of us do not feel uncomfortable with conflict or addressing a conflictual topic with our loved one. Often, we have experienced pain, difficulty, and upset during conflict in the past. The take away message has been “I don’t want to do that again.” Unconsciously, we make a decision to avoid sensitive topics.
There is a balance to be struck when addressing a conflict.
A) You will not want to invest the time and energy with just anyone. You will reserve this process for people who you are very close with, intend to have a lasting relationship with, and would like to deepen the intimacy with.
B) You will want to get in touch with what is true, but you will also want to practice tact and consideration when expressing yourself.
C) You will want to develop skill in addressing an issue. Like anything, there is a learning curve towards developing any level of skill. Acquired skill does not come without learning and practice.
Conflict in relationship is a tricky area to develop skill in because it requires us to tolerate some pretty uncomfortable emotions, particularly, how to deal with fear and anger.
Often, we don’t have a safe practice ground. When you were learning to drive, did your parent take you to the country or an abandoned parking lot to practice? The idea here is to have a safe place to get acquainted with all the mechanics and practice without hurting anyone or anything.
We do not have this practice ground in relationship. It is real-time. Live and often feels like do or die.
Your partner’s skill level matters greatly in the equation as well. Whether or not they can manage their emotional reactivity and insecurities. Do they take things personally? Do the assume the worst? Do they get protective, defensive, or blaming?
Avoiding doesn’t work either.
“Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger, but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.” by Julie Gottman
12. Practice respect during conflict.
When push comes to shove, do you step up or do you step away?
In my younger years, I had to work towards calming down my reactions and tempering my impulses. To think before I speak and not lash out. To try to be more objective and considerate in my languaging. To not to be so defensive when I feel attacked.
Whereas, other people have to work towards coming to the table, when their impulse is to step away. Maybe their pattern is to distance themselves or get passive aggressive. Or maybe they ignore, reject, or cut people off.
Stepping up and stepping away can both be done in disrespectful ways.
Knowing your tendency is helpful when trying to understand your patterns in conflict. Do you know where you go when are not at your best in conflict?
One shift that helped me be more respectful during conflict was to have the goal of practicing respect as a form of integrity, in that treating someone with dignity and civility is a way that I can feel good about myself and my character.
If character and integrity become the goal or measure, then what helps accomplish that goal? Taking care of yourself. Calming down. Removing yourself from the dynamic. Setting a boundary.
Here are a couple of examples of how to practice respect during a conflict:
Be objective and fair in recounting of the story. Stick to the facts.
Have tact. “Tact is telling the truth kindly, considerate of how your words affect others’ feelings. Think before you speak, knowing what is better left unsaid. When you are tactful, others find it easier to hear what you have to say. Tact builds bridges.” By The Virtues Project
Be considerate. Your partner has a perspective and a position as well. Can you make room for their experience?
Start a difficult conversation gently instead of waiting for things to reach a boiling point.
“The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship.” By Emily Esfahani Smith, The Atlantic
13. Strive for the 5 to 1 ratio.
If you are familiar with John Gottman’s work, you may have come across the 5 to 1 ratio. This ratio recommends having five or more positive interactions for every negative interaction, so that you can have a stable and happy marriage.
The basic principle here is that when kindness outweighs negativity, happiness is a more likely to occur.
In most human interactions, we have some type of transactional analysis going on.
Am I giving more than I am getting?
Are they adding to my life or are they taking away from me?
Is our relationship equitable?
Granted, relationships cannot be 50/50 all the time. However, it is a very human experience to respond to the balance of giving and receiving in relationship.
“When the masters of marriage are talking about something important, they may be arguing, but they are also laughing and teasing and there are signs of affection because they have made emotional connections.” By Dr. Gottman
Unhappy couples tend to engage in fewer positive interactions and their positive-to-negative ratio during conflict is more like 1-to-1, which is unhealthy.
There is a great deal of emotional power in negative interactions, such as criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, contempt, mocking, eye-rolling, and sarcasm. This is why it takes five positive interactions to counteract the one negative interaction.
In happy marriages, people expect to feel safe, and when a negative interaction occurs it is quickly repaired with understanding, validation, and empathy.
Is there a way to lighten the mood, crack a joke, look at your partner and smile, or touch them softly when discussing a difficult topic?
14. Offer reassurance.
There will be times when your partner feels insecure, afraid, and uncertain.
Unfortunately, your partner may not have the capacity to tell you explicitly when they are feeling scared, anxious, or worried. Whether or not their doubts relate to career, friends, family or relationship, you have a powerful opportunity to remind them of their goodness and value.
Sometimes, the kindest thing we can offer our partner is genuine, sentiments of belief and reassurance.
Offer affirmation to your partner.
Let your partner know you believe in them
Validate their strength.
“It is going to be okay.”
“You got this.”
15. Forgive Your Partner’s shortcomings.
Typically, when our partner does something off-putting, it is easy to feel offended and hold a grudge. Holding a grudge usually does not help us feel better, nor does it bring a resolution with our partner.
Even with attempts to resolve an issue through a conversation, we can continue to take issue with our partner’s actions is like if punishing them would somehow change the situation.
If grudges persist, we can withhold our affection and become passive-aggressive. We can grow distant and critical. And we can start to see our partner as the problem, rather than as our trusted ally.
What would it take to let go of the grudge, be vulnerable about your pain, and be open to reconciling? To choose to open your heart, make peace with the circumstances, and work with your partner?
If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days.
Stay tuned for the next several tips for building kindness in the upcoming podcast episode. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love:
MENTIONED: * ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love (podcast) * ERP 128: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Two (podcast) * ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast) * ERP 026: How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship (podcast) * Masters Of Love by Emily Esfahani Smith (article) * ERP 109: How Being Gentle With Your Partner Can Make A Big Difference (podcast) * Jerry Maguire Pumping Up Rod Tidwell Before the Draft (Youtube video) * The Virtues Project (website) * Empowered Relationship FB Page
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 129: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Three [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
In ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One, I talked about the article, titled “Masters Of Love,” by Emily Esfahani Smith
The article talked about the key to lasting relationships comes down to kindness and generosity. Based on the research of Gottman and others, “kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.”
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days.
25 TIPS FOR BUILDING KINDNESS (6-10) 6. CELEBRATE WINS. When you experience success, an accomplishment or something good, who do you share it with? Are you and your partner able to celebrate the joy and excitement of good news together?
There is something called the “winner’s effect.” When we experience a win of some sort, we get a release of dopamine and testosterone. Dopamine is one of the feel good neurochemicals. The beginning stages of love, romance, and desire are fueled by dopamine along with other neurochemicals like oxytocin.
When we experience a win, positive changes are happening within our chemical makeup and brain structure. We will typically feel more confident, quick witted, and more courageous.
Cognitive neuroscientist Ian Robertson explains “Winning increases the dopamine receptors in the brain, which makes you smarter and more bold.”
Sharing these pivotal moments are critical for relationship quality and connection and can be very damaging when they are not shared and celebrated together.
In a psychological study, Will You Be There For Me When Things Go Right, by Shelly Gable and her colleagues, couples were asked to discuss recent positive events from their lives. The purpose of the study was to observe how partners would respond to each other’s good news. They found that, in general, couples responded to each other’s good news in four different ways: passive destructive, active destructive, passive constructive, and active constructive.
The most common response is a passive constructive one, like “That’s nice,” or “Congratulations.” Sometimes couples will receive passive destructive responses such as a flat response or being ignored when sharing good news. On rare occasions, a critical, or active destructive response is given.
In the article, Why You and Your Partner Need to Celebrate Each Other by Linda and Charlie Bloom, they write “What truly enlivens a relationship, though, is an active constructive response, when the person who hears about our success is sincerely happy for us. An active constructive response shows generosity of spirit and eagerness to hear more about the good news. Celebrating triumphs in life, from small, seemingly trivial ones to those that are more significant, strengthens the bond between two people. Being genuinely enthusiastic in responding to a partner’s good fortune can have a positive impact on them.”
“The genuineness and frequency of active positive responses are essential to the development of healthy relationships….When we celebrate each other’s accomplishments, we thrive. We are more likely to be securely bonded to each other, satisfied with our relationship, and enjoy greater love and happiness” by Linda and Charlie Bloom.
- EXPRESS AFFECTION. A few days ago, I was meeting with a couple I have been working with for a couple of months. Unfortunately, they are working through some pretty big disconnect. One of the areas where they have experienced a divide is in the way they express and receive love. Stylistically, she is more reflective and introspective, and he is more active and energetic. She was describing a longing to feel his embodied touch and presence. He had no idea what she was talking about.
When you touch your partner, are you present to the moment? Are you focused on the shared connection or are you touching your partner out of habit and routine?
Do you initiate physical contact with your significant other at all? Do you hug, hold hands, kiss?
The other day, my husband wasn’t feeling well. Often times, my first attempt to connect with him is verbal. When he doesn’t engage, I will slow down and try to feel with him. In a more embodied way, I gentle rubbed his lower back, and he opened up to me about where he felt pain and discomfort.
Kind touch reduces stress and tension, and it conversely facilitates more connection and warmth. We are rarely encouraged to give affection and kind touch. It can be easy to forget. Gently touch your partner to let them know you care.
- High five to celebrate a win.
- Embrace after a long day.
- Give a hand or foot massage.
- Look at your partner with kind eyes.
- Smile at them.
For some people, being touched with kindness gives them the experience of feeling loved. What ways can you use touch to convey your care and affection to your partner?
- GIVE YOUR PARTNER THOUGHT. Most of us will focus on and pay attention to what we are experiencing in any given moment. It takes a mental leap to put ourselves in our partner’s perspective and think about what they would enjoy.
When someone puts energy and thought into considering what we would like, we feel special and cared about.
When people describe meaningful acts of care from their partner, they often talk about the little things. Small acts of kindness are powerful ways to increase the positivity in your relationship.
- Remembering what your partner has been up to and asking about how it is going.
- Bringing up a topic that is important to your partner.
- Doing something extra to help them feel your support and love.
- If you partner is having a bad day, maybe pick-up something that they will enjoy.
Being willing to focus on and give attention to your partner’s interests demonstrates your care and that they matter and are important to you.
Demonstrate consideration by doing things that are meaningful to them, like:
- Being on time.
- Doing the dishes.
- Sticking to the budget.
Although these small gestures of kindness and thought can seem insignificant, they provide positive signals that your partner is valued and the relationship is important.
- Heat up the water for tea.
- Get a blanket.
- Get bags out for trip.
- Buy their favorite beverage.
- Make their favorite dinner.
Small gestures over time accumulate to strengthen your love and connection as a couple.
- TREAT YOUR PARTNER WITH MANNERS. Dr. Fred Luskin, ‘Why is it that we treat others with more civility than we do our partners?”
For example, have you ever been in an ugly argument with your significant other, and then in the next moment picked up the phone to answer a call with politeness?
In the beginning stages of love, we tend to take extra care with our manners and grooming. We want to be polite and pleasant to be around. Whereas over time, we can get comfortable, perhaps too comfortable, and lose consideration and manners.
- Eat with your mouth open.
- Farting.
- Interrupting.
- Complaining.
- Not being thoughtful about what you say.
Relating to your partner with good manners expresses care, consideration, and appreciation.
- Please.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me.
Often times, couples will get into small arguments because they feel slighted or disrespected.
Being considerate as a couple, shows that you maintain respect for each other. In that we do not take each other for granted, and we appreciate and value one another.
- Would you be willing?
- What do you think?
- Would you be okay if..?
Finally, treating your partner with good manners promotes good will and positivity.
- BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. One way to practice kindness is by giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, when it trying to decipher your partner’s intentions. Many times in relationship, we will perceive our partner’s actions and not have enough information to full understand why they did or didn’t do what they did.
John Gottman explains from his research that “disasters” see negativity in their relationship even when it is not there. Whereas “masters” will anticipate that there is a good reason for their partner’s actions, even if it doesn’t appear to make sense at the time.
Yes, it may be difficult to suspend judgment when your partner does something off-putting. However, not jumping to conclusions and not assuming the worst will save a lot of heartache and drama.
If you notice that you sometimes think negatively about your partner’s actions, try being generous when speculating about your partner’s intentions. Most likely, if you took the time to understand what was behind their actions or behavior, it would make sense. Most often, your partner means well, even if their delivery is subpar at times.
If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days.
Stay tuned for the next several tips for building kindness in the upcoming podcast episode. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love:
MENTIONED: * ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love (podcast) * ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast) * Masters Of Love by Emily Esfahani Smith (article) * Why You and Your Partner Need to Celebrate Each Other by Linda and Charlie Bloom (article) * Will You Be There For Me When Things Go Right by Gable et al. (research article)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 128: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Two [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Be sure to check out the previous episode, ERP 126: What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship if you missed it.
WHAT WILL WORK WHEN ADDRESSING INSECURITY IN RELATIONSHIP (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
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EXPLORE YOUR BELIEFS, FEARS, AND WORRIES. Understand your attachment style.
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Secure attachment style leads to feelings of trust, confidence, and belief in relationship. Whereas, insecure attachment style leads to feelings of distrust, lack of confidence, and belief.
- Knowing our attachment style can be really helpful in understanding your experience in relationship (in that it may have roots in the past). Sometimes we will recreate a dynamic from our past.
- If we can be more aware of our attachment needs, then we can enter into healthier relationship dynamics. Over time, we can actually develop a secure attachment style.
Identify your operating beliefs.
- About relationship?
- About men? “Men are pigs. Cheaters. At some point, he will lose interested in me.”
- About women? “She is prettier than me. She has a better body. She is not to be trusted.”
- Are your beliefs unsupportive, limiting, and/or negative?
- Identify them. Explore them. Get support.
Examine your fears.
- It can be a good practice to get your thoughts down on paper, so that you can look at your process more objectively.
- You will also be able to look at your fears more closely.
- You may be able to distinguish more easily what is real and where you might be filling in the blanks.
Get to know your inner voice.
- How you talk to yourself?
- Does your inner critic run the show?
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Can you invite other voices to the party?
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CREATE A SAFE SPACE. * One of the things that complicates matters is… we fight with ourselves. We will pretend like we are fine, good and have no issue, when in fact we are uncomfortable, scared, and threatened.
Take care of yourself
- Remove yourself from the situation (i.e. like being hit by waves, barely keeping your head above water, but staying in the ocean).
Create your own environment.
- Get into your space. What would you enjoy?
- Stretch, music, candle, bath.
- In 4 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships, by Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D., she writes “Feeling secure in a relationship depends on trusting the other person but, more importantly, on learning to trust yourself. Trust yourself to know that no matter what the other person does, you will take care of you. Trust yourself to know that you won’t ignore your inner voice when it tells you that something isn’t right. Trust yourself not to hide your feelings, trust yourself to make sure your needs are met, and trust yourself that you won’t lose your sense of self-identity. Trust yourself to know that if the relationship isn’t working, you will be able to leave and still be a wholly functioning individual. When you trust yourself, feeling secure is almost a guarantee.”
Be vulnerable.
- Acknowledge your fear and threatening feelings.
- Biggest change for me. Instead of trying to control my circumstances. Turning inward, acknowledging my fear.
- Sharing and if your partner is interested in helping, offer a way to help.
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Trust will develop when you reveal yourself and your partner shows up.
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LEARN TO TOLERATE THE UNCERTAINTY. * Huge risk to love. There are no guarantees.
- Our confidence builds when we believe we will be able to handle what life will bring us.
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Grieving small deaths many times in the relationship. Not the way, I wanted or imagined.
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GET SOME DISTANCE AND PERSPECTIVE. * Nature. Friends. Music.
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In 4 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships, by Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D., she writes “Maintaining your sense of self-identity and taking care of your needs for personal well-being are the keys to keeping a healthy balance in a relationship. When you aren’t dependent on your relationship to fill all of your needs, you feel more secure about your life. Being an independent person who has things going on outside of the relationship also makes you a more interesting and attractive partner. Ways to maintain your independence include: Making time for your own friends, interests, and hobbies, maintaining financial independence, and having self-improvement goals that are separate from your relationship goals. In essence: Don’t forget to do you.”
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PRACTICE SELF-VALIDATION. * What do you appreciate about yourself? Qualities, traits, efforts, and intentions (i.e. Kind, loving, thoughtful, affectionate, honest, trustworthy, smart, etc.).
- How do you add value and contribution to your relationship or your partner’s life?
- Instead of focusing on what you don’t like or didn’t do well, focus on what you do like or did do well.
- No one is you.
- You have value to offer.
- “Feeling good about who you are is a win-win for the relationship. You get to enjoy the sense of well-being that comes with genuinely liking yourself, and self-confidence is an attractive quality that makes your partner want to be closer to you.” by Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D.
Stay tuned for the next episode as we revisit The Power of Kindness in Relationship. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love:
MENTIONED: * ERP 126: What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship (podcast episode) * ERP 043: How To Transform Jealousy into Passion and Excitement (podcast episode) * ERP 052: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast episode) * ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast episode) * ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability (podcast episode) * ERP 115: How to develop the strength of vulnerability – Part Two (podcast episode) * 4 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships, by Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D. (article) * Emotions As Honored Guest, by Stephanie Noble (article) * Photo by Denys Argyriou on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 127 : What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship – Part Two [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTION “I have been listening to your podcasts and i find them very helpful for me to understanding how to communicate and work through some of my thoughts and needs in my relationship. I have been having an internal struggle with myself in my relationship that i was wondering if you might be able to help me work through and understand.
I think this might have to deal somewhat with self love and self esteem but i am not sure how to get better with these subjects. I have this amazing boyfriend who knows I have insecurity issues and is really understanding and I believe I can trust him but I am having a struggle with modern normalities. There are 2 things that are similar but slightly different that I just can’t feel comfortable with. My boyfriend is a TV person and he likes to get into all sorts of shows ranging from standard TV to HBO and Cinemax type shows. He has told me that he doesn’t watch them for the sex scenes and nudity and i believe him but because he is a man i can’t think that he doesn’t enjoy them. This thought of that and how much there is in these shows makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to make him not watch the shows because it’s not his fault they put those scenes in these shows but I don’t know how to frame my mind to accept it. I also get uncomfortable about going anywhere where women will be barely wearing clothes like the beach, wondering if he might be enjoying what he sees, even though i know it’s natural to be attracted to other people it still makes me uncomfortable. I have talked to him about it and he has told me he is not a visual person and he doesn’t care about anyone else but i still understand that he is man. I want to be able to do these things with him because they are part of modern day life but i am having a hard time. If you could offer suggestions that would be so very helpful to me.
I also would like to thank you so much for putting together these podcasts for people like me. They help me grow as a person and become a better partner.”
DR. JESSICA HIGGINS’ RESPONSE Thank you for reaching out. I acknowledge your experience, the discomfort and struggle around these issues. I know it can be extremely painful. Also, I love that you are looking for ways to shift your experience and improve that way you deal with some of these insecurities.
Today, I am going to offer you some tips to address your questions. I will also be offering general suggestions and recommendations for how to deal with insecurity in relationship.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
INSECURITY IN RELATIONSHIP When we are feeling insecure, we are typically feeling as though we are not good enough and/or we are feeling some type of threat. While most of us will have feelings of insecurity at some point or another, it is important to pay attention to when we notice a repetitive pattern of insecurity. Especially because insecurities can push people away and be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Feelings of insecurity usually involve:
- Inadequacy
- Anxiety
- Criticism
- Comparison
Inadequacy
When we question our value and self-worth, we tend to put a lot of emphasize on other people’s perceptions of us. We will look for outside validation, affirmation and reassurance to feel good about ourselves.
The trouble with this approach is:
- We never feel solid and secure in our goodness and worth. We typically feel disempowered, lacking and inadequate.
- Getting validation and reassurance rarely leads to satiation and lasting change. At it’s best, it provides a temporary fix.
- When we do not believe we are good enough, it is very difficult to believe someone else’s high opinion of us or to receive someone’s compliment.
- We never feel trusting, relaxed and at peace with ourselves and our relationship.
Anxiety
Relationship will evoke our fears, wounds, and insecurities. When we love deeply, we are confronted with our attachment insecurities, essentially our trust, confidence, and belief that our partner will be there for us.
If you have experienced any disappointment, loss, pain, rejection, abandonment, trauma, or neglect in your early years in how your caregiver/s provided for you, it is likely that you may have some level of attachment insecurity.
Criticism
- How do you talk to yourself? What is your internal dialogue?
- Are you kind when you look in the mirror or do you criticize parts of your body?
- When you get dressed in the morning, what do you believe about your presentation (i.e. “Ugh, I hate my outfit.” “I need to lose weight.”)?
- When you make a mistake, what do you say to yourself?
Sometimes, many times, we are our worst and harshest critics. There is nothing wrong with striving for greatness, but are we using pain, punishment, and shame as forms of motivation?
Comparison
In the The Comparison Trap, By Rebecca Webber, she writes “Social comparison theory was first put forth in 1954 by psychologist Leon Festinger, who hypothesized that we make comparisons as a way of evaluating ourselves. At its root, the impulse is connected to the instant judgments we make of other people—a key element of the brain’s social-cognition network that can be traced to the evolutionary need to protect oneself and assess threats.”
DISTORTED MESSAGES * Constant imagery of women’s bodies. * Concentrated exposure designed to be compelling. * Over sexualized. * Not valuing other traits, qualities, and characteristics * Killing Us Softly
WHAT WILL NOT WORK Trying to control his environment.
- Attempting to control the environment is a negative cycle because you will not develop trust. For example, if you feel success in minimizing your discomfort, it will because you managed the situation.
- Avoiding creates more anxiety, and at times phobias, as you let fear dictate and limit your life.
- If he is not respectful towards women or has a wandering eye, then you will know. You trying to control the situation will get in the way of gathering this information, as well as taking away his opportunity to show-up for you.
Comparing yourself to every women on television and out in public.
- By constantly measure your worth against others, you are giving your power away.
- This sells you short because the only way for you to be valuable or lovable is if you rank high.
- This is an anxious feeling because you always have to compete with others. Rather than just being your awesome self.
Making your partner responsible.
- When we feel threatened, it is easy to judge that what your parent is doing is wrong or bad.
- For example, if a guy feels insecure about himself, and his significant other is friendly. His temptation might be to be critical of his partner…judging her as too outgoing and gregarious. He may even try to control who she talks to and socializes with.
- While he doesn’t feel safe and secure, he attempts to blame and control her. She is likely to push his blame and criticism away. Thus, leaving them both feeling hurt, scared, and disconnected.
Seeking continual reassurance.
- It is natural to seek reassurance from our partner when we experience self-doubt. Yet, if this is our only method towards feeling more security, then we come dependent on our partner’s approval for our well-being.
- Your partner will likely resists this responsibility and burden. It is a burden because it requires them to only convey positive feelings towards you, which is not realistic or authentic.
Getting carried away with negative thoughts, worries, and fears.
- What is your worry?
- What is your fear?
- The majority of relationship insecurities are based on irrational thoughts, fears, and worries.
Letting anxious feelings rule.
- When we feel threatened, it is easy to react to the alarms going off. However, when it comes to relationship, very little good comes from reacting. When we react, it can feel like we are out of our minds. Which in some respects is true, we are not in our right place.
- It is very hard to think rationally when we are panicked.
- I hear people say “I don’t know what I was thinking.” “It is so not like me.” “I DO trust you.”
Stay tuned for the next episode discussing “What Will Work” when feeling insecure in relationship. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love:
MENTIONED: * ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love (podcast episode) * ERP 043: How To Transform Jealousy into Passion and Excitement (podcast episode) * ERP 052: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs 9podcast episode) * ERP 071: How To Use Sexual Energy To Improve Your Health & Relationship – With Sarina Stone * The Comparison Trap, By Rebecca Webber (article) * Killing Us Softly (Wikipedia page) * Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 126: What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
A long while back I remember this article from The Atlantic circulating on social media, titled “Masters of Love,” by Emily Esfahani Smith.
One of the main points of the article is the key to lasting relationships is kindness and generosity. Based on the research of Gottman and others, “kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.”
When kindness is expressed in relationship, couples feel more care, consideration, love, and understanding. Kindness contributes to an overall feeling of goodwill and positivity. Partners are inspired and motivated to continue the pattern, which results in a positive cycle of love and generosity.
“There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work” by Emily EsfahaniI Smith.
As positive emotions increase, so does the relationship satisfaction and fulfillment. This episode will give you some ideas on how to cultivate more kindness and generosity in your relationship.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
5 TIPS FOR BUILDING KINDNESS 1. DO A LOVING KINDNESS MEDITATION. As I talked about last week, if we can set a positive tone, it can dramatically affect our interactions in a beneficial way. By doing a short loving-kindness meditation, it can generate boundless feelings of warmth and tenderness.
Excerpt from the Metta Meditation by Metta Institute
“To practice loving-kindness meditation, sit in a comfortable and relaxed manner. Take two or three deep breaths with slow, long and complete exhalations. Let go of any concerns or preoccupations. For a few minutes, feel or imagine the breath moving through the center of your chest – in the area of your heart.
Metta is first practiced toward oneself, since we often have difficulty loving others without first loving ourselves. Sitting quietly, mentally repeat, slowly and steadily, the following or similar phrases:
May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease.
After a period of directing loving-kindness toward yourself, bring to mind a friend or someone in your life who has deeply cared for you. Then slowly repeat phrases of loving-kindness toward them:
May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe. May you be peaceful and at ease.
As you say these phrases, again sink into their intention or heartfelt meaning. And, if any feelings of loving-kindness arise, connect the feelings with the phrases so that the feelings may become stronger as you repeat the words.”
Here are a few additional resources:
- A Meditation on Lovingkindness by Jack Kornfield (article)
- Guided Meditation – “Loving Kindness” by Tara Brach (audio)
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Loving Kindness Meditation, by Great Good In Action (article & audio)
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BE A PERSON OF INCREASE. Being a person of increase is adding good in some way to the interaction or situation. The idea here is to add positivity and generate a sense of good will.
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Consider how you and your partner’s life can be improved.
- Offer affirmation and encouragement.
- Send a thoughtful or supportive text. “You are doing great. Keep up the great work. I am so proud of the work you are doing.”
- Let your partner know you are thinking about them (leave them a voice mail, send them an email or a text).
- Look for a way to help. Contribute in some way. Be of service.
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Do something nice out of the ordinary.
Ask them how how their learning is going.
Watch a game of theirs.
Ask them to share/show their latest progress. -
GIVE UNSOLICITED ATTENTION & INTEREST. People feel important when they have your attention and focus. We are all so busy, and most us feel as though time is extremely valuable. When someone feels they are the priority, it can help them feel significant, important, and like they matter.
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Do you show your partner non-verbally that you are listening, interested, and curious? Open posture, giving good eye contact, and nodding are all signs that show you are deeply listening.
- Do you get curious about their life and what they experienced during the day? Do you take the time to think about it and deeply listen?
- Do you give them the space to talk about what they want? Showing that you are available and present without an agenda.
- When your partner has a complaint, do you take the time to listen? Do ask them to share more, so that you can understand them more fully?
- Do you spend time with them? To just be?
Keep them company with a chore.
Go for an errand with them.
Simply sit next to them. -
Do you express interest in something that is important to them? Like a project, hobby or sport.
Ask them how their learning is going.
Watch a game of theirs.
Ask them to share/show their latest progress. -
SPEAK POSITIVELY ABOUT YOUR PARTNER. Giving your partner a authentic compliment can really brighten their day.
On the contrary, let’s say a couple is getting ready to go out on a double date with some friends. The couple finishes getting ready and meets at the front door. They look at each other and say “Are you ready?” Not acknowledging each others efforts to look nice. They make their way to meet their friends at a restaurant. Upon arriving they greet their friends with hellos and hugs. The husband says to the other woman, “You look nice.” The wife hears this and feels a little bad. I have heard this complaint several times before from both genders.
In parenting advice, it is recommended to acknowledge your child’s strengths and success when talking to others, when they are listening. Not to brag or say something disingenuous, but to focus on some of their positives. It is how you represent them, what you choose to focus on, and highlight. Imagine, if were young and you had made some great progress with soccer, math, and science. And you overheard your mom talking to the neighbor. In response to the neighbor asking about you, she says “Good, but you could be doing a better job keeping your room more tidy.” You may feel bad, a little misunderstood and as though your positive qualities are not being recognized and given credit.
This is one of the most common objections that I get in my sessions with couples and families is how someone unfairly characterises them. We all want to feel loved, appreciated, and valued by others.
When someone fairly and accurately acknowledges your efforts, it can feel really nice. You may feel a sense of recognition and that your positive strides count and make a difference. You may feel valued and an increase in self-esteem.
- Pay attention to how you talk about your partner to others.
- Do you complain or point out their flaws?
- When you are with them, do you feel competitive about earning the approval of others?
A few weeks ago, we had a couple over for dinner. In the midst of the conversation, my husband spoke very complimentary about my efforts and what I created for a previous event we put together for family and friends. It felt really good to hear his expression of appreciation. I felt a warmth and closeness towards him.
- BE PLAYFUL. As adults, it is amazing to me how we forget to play, be silly, and have fun. Whether it is a cultural expectation, we have gotten the impression that adults are to be practical, logical, and serious. With responsibilities and goals, we become driven and focused. Play and humor lighten the mood and allow for more joy and connection.
When I was working on these show notes, I felt my appreciation for my husbands sense of humor. I love his ability to take me off guard with a clever joke. I love that he will get silly and laugh with me. He has told me in the past, making me laugh brings him a great sense of joy. Some of my favorite times are when my husband and I are laughing and being silly together.
Are you available to play? Many, many years ago I took a workshop about the Art of Play. The instructor was amazing. One of the first things she did with us was to get us to think about our “willingness to play.” She brought up the example of when dogs want to play, they communicate it by a certain posture (i.e. front legs low (reading to pounce), tail wagging, looking in anticipation). She asked us to experiment with this quality of engagement. With this mindset shift, it was amazing to me how much more available I was to interact with others in a playful way.
With this shift in attitude, you will laugh more easily at your partner’s jokes, and you will be more likely to find joy with them. The desire to play and have fun can also be a great form of flirtation.
Stay tuned for the next several tips for building kindness in the upcoming podcast episode. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love:
MENTIONED: * ERP 124: How To Improve The Climate Of Your Relationship (podcast) * Masters Of Love by Emily Esfahani Smith (article) * Metta Meditation by Metta Institute (article) * A Meditation on Lovingkindness by Jack Kornfield (article) * Guided Meditation – “Loving Kindness” by Tara Brach (audio) * Loving Kindness Meditation, by Great Good In Action (article & audio) * Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP CLIMATE? In the lastest episodes, I interviewed two experts in the field of relationship.
Arielle Ford talked with us about How To Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate. One of the questions, I asked her was how to use the law of attraction in your relationship. In her response, she focused more on how to attract a partner.
I truly believe that when one partner raises their vibration it attracts a completely different interaction.
What does raising the vibration mean? In law of attraction terms, it is essentially what you focus your attention on, you attract. If you focus on the experience love, you will attract more love. If you focus on the experience of happiness, you will attract more joy. If you focus on gratitude, you will attract more abundance.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
In relationship, where do you pay the majority of your attention? What are your habitual thought patterns about your partner or your relationship?
RELATIONSHIP WEATHER IS DIFFERENT THAN RELATIONSHIP CLIMATE Raising your vibration does not mean you bypass or avoid your concerns. It is important to take clear and conscientious notes of things you feel challenged with or troubled by. Then, you can address the issues with your partner in a constructive way. This gives your partner an opportunity to understand how you feel AND it gives them a chance to help you get your needs met.
If you do not address your issues, it is likely that resentment will build and it will affect the way you experience your partner and your relationship. Issues begin to cloud the overall weather of your relationship, and over time this can drastically affect the climate of your relationship.
What if you were to see your concerns as issues that you and your partner are in process of resolving and still working on getting to creative solutions?
With this framework, there are some key assumptions happening.
- There is a positive solution.
- You and your partner care about each other.
- While it is challenging at times, you want to work together.
- You and your partner are doing the best that you can.
- You both have assets to bring to the relationship. While you have differences, it is not about who is right. It is about how to you learn from each other and work together to get your needs met, in a way that feels good for both of you.
When we get triggered, we tend to perceive things from a protective stance. We are trying to mitigate any chances of injury. Our attempts, while understandable, are often protective strategies to feel safe. These strategies put our partner in the position of being the adversary.
WHEN RELATIONSHIP WEATHER BECOMES THE RELATIONSHIP CLIMATE If we see our partner as an adversary for any length of time, it can be very difficult to contextualize feelings of protection, control, and fear to just the issue at hand.
With frequency and intensity, the adversary tone starts to globalize to the overall quality of the relationship. In general, we start to see our partner in a negative light. We focus on their negative attributes. We doubt and question their ability to meet our needs, and we wonder if and how the relationship will work.
In the field of psychology, there is a tremendous amount of research that explores how our thinking and beliefs impacts our experience.
Example:
Husband makes a lot of effort to give to and please his wife. However, he is very quiet about it. Often, she doesn’t know how he is contributing to their life together. His fear is that he is not seen, appreciated, valued, and loved. He hopes that she will recognize his efforts and appreciate him. Yet, she, without knowing what he is doing, misses the opportunities. This hurts and validates his fear that she doesn’t really care or value him. He distances and pulls away and she has an even harder time understanding him and acknowledging him. This can be a tragic and vicious cycle.
WHAT IF WE PRIORITIZED THE RELATIONSHIP CLIMATE? In last week’s episode, I interviewed Dr. Fred Luskin on the topic of Forgive for Love. He emphasized that we often protest against others and life, when we do not get what we want. While this initial reaction is natural and understandable, we often get trapped in this state. We tend to resist the honest, emotional work, which is to acknowledge life and love are risky and we are truly vulnerable. The real work is in facing these realities with gentleness, compassion, acceptance, and preemptive forgiveness. Instead we fight with each other, protesting and engaging in all sorts of strategies to attempt to get what we want.
In 2004, during my deep, personal dive of exploring relationship dynamics. I was reading many different books. I cannot remember which one sparked this awareness. But I remember thinking, “Oh, wow. How different it would be if in relationship, we saw each other as kin on this path of life. What if we acknowledged that we are all working through pain, hurt, and injury? What if we recognized that we are all fighting with our inner demons at times? What if we could have this understanding in relationship? Would we be able to have a little more patience with each other? Would we have a little more grace in the matters?”
In a committed intimate relationship, we have the opportunity to hold a very sacred space for each other. With love and intimacy, we let our guard down. We open up our hearts. At the same time, we get in touch with our insecurities, fear and vulnerability. What if we accepted that we are going to have fear, pain, and protection emerge? What if we gave each other space to work it out? What if we held a place of love and belief for one another? A safe, sacred container allows for profound personal work to occur, and there is more permission to explore without the threat of losing love and relationship.
HOW TO IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIP CLIMATE How do we nurture this proverbial container? How do we remember that we are human, wounded, and fallible? How do we remember to be compassionate, kind, and patient? People’s religious and/or spiritual practices typically help tremendously in this arena. People pray for strength and guidance. People meditate to get perspective and detach from being overly identified with their pain. People reconnect with their essence of love, joy and peace, so that they can reorient their focus. Religious or spiritual communities can give a sense of support, unity, and inspiration to tolerate some of the emotional discomfort and disconnect.
What if you do not have a religious or spiritual practice? Develop a practice. If you do not know what to do, start experimenting. Positive psychology focuses on topics such as happiness, gratitude, love, kindness, compassion, peace, etc. Do a few internet searches which will give you many ideas to start with.
Next week, I will be talking about the power of kindness in relationship. This episode will also give you some specific ideas on how to cultivate more kindness and generosity in your relationship.
Let me know if I can be of any support. Also, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017
MENTIONED: * ERP 122: How to Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate with Arielle Ford (podcast) * ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast) * ERP 095: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship (podcast) * ERP 096: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship – Part Two (podcast) * Photo by Jeff Sheldon on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 124: How To Improve The Climate Of Your Relationship [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST: DR. FRED LUSKIN Dr. Luskin founded and currently serves as Director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects. He is also Senior Consultant in Health Promotion/Wellness at the Stanford University Health Center and Department Chair in Clinical Psychology at Sofia University. At Stanford, Dr. Luskin teaches classes on Positive Psychology, The Art and Science of Meditation, Forgiveness, Wellness, Flourishing and The Psychology of Storytelling to undergraduate and graduate students.
To many different organizations all over, Dr. Luskin conducts numerous workshops and trainings in relationship enhancement, stress management, emotional intelligence and positive psychology.
Dr. Luskin is the author of the best-selling books “Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness” and “Forgive for Love: The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Happy Relationship.”
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
EXCERPTS FROM DR. FRED LUSKIN WHAT IS FORGIVENESS? “Forgiveness is making peace with the word no.” Dr. Fred Luskin
Forgiveness is the antidote to a hissy fit, when a desire is thwarted. Forgiveness is the process of resolving the upset and being back at peace. Forgiveness is an internal cognitive, affective, storytelling process.
WHAT ABOUT UNFORGIVABLE ACTS? The number of ways that people are horrific to each other is pretty much endless. When it comes to one person’s experience, nobody wants anyone in their life harmed.
It is unimaginably painful to sit in a group of people who have had family members killed. It is almost shocking to recognize how much this happens in this world. There is a level of compassion and understanding as an overlay.
When you look at one person’s experience, whether it is someone cut me off in traffic or someone murdered my child, it is still the same basic problem that I couldn’t get what I wanted. This issue haunts human beings all the time.
The question is not “Is that good or pleasant?” It was awful. The question is “How long does it take for our brain and soul to recover?”
“If that is too big for you, which it might be, forgive everything else.” Don’t use that as an excuse not to forgive anything. Instead, say “this mountain is too big for me to climb, but I will climb another mountain.”
Even though the thing that happened is mind boggling horrific, the truth is there are many, many people who have actually had that direct experience and moving ahead with successful lives. And there are people who have had worse experiences happen to them in other parts of the world. And we can’t allow all of these atrocities to form a foundation of “We are never going to get over this.” If we were too say, “Yes, this is too bad to let go of.” There would be no room left. We would simply weave a web of endless pain and hatred, which is not sustainable for a world.
“Without forgiveness there is no future.” Desmond Tutu
Without forgiving, we don’t have the same amount of future. We are still living in the past.
FORGIVENESS IN RELATIONSHIP Imagine two people romantically interested in each other and they both have 12 pieces of luggage with them.They are both looking out behind their luggage. Between them and the 24 pieces of luggage they can barely see each other. That is the damage. If you hide behind your wounds. People can’t see you and you can’t see them.
Not forgiving leads to bitterness. As an example, when working with someone who has experienced divorce, been left or cheated on, he will ask some questions of personal responsibility:
- What were you doing with that person?
- What were the signs that you ignored?
- How did you think even the simplest thing… if 50% of relationships end in divorce…and you live in a culture that doesn’t do relationship well, so how can you be that shocked when it happens to you?
WHEN SOMEONE STUCK? In the case of modest, normal trauma, if someone is still very, angry 6 months after the experience happens that it a bad prognosticator. Anger is meant to be a short-term defense against both seeing your complicity or starting to work on your own reactivity.
Proximity to the experience matters:
- If after 6 month, and someone is still angry, it is not very adaptive.
- If someone is angry 3 months after the incident, I tend to not challenge because that is normal grief.
- If someone is angry 18 months later, I tend to challenge that a lot.
VULNERABILITY The whole issue of forgiveness is about vulnerability. We are all so frightened to admit how frighten we are. There is a deep vulnerability that we are all struggling to cope with.
We are all vulnerable to so many things and we want to keep that awareness from our consciousness. One of the ways we keep that awareness from our consciousness is we ignore it. Secondly, we have all these cognitive distortions. Like inventing rules for other people or fantasies about how life is suppose to be because we do not want to face our lack of control and influence over things.
What we do with this vulnerability is we react, as we should, with grief, outrage, and fear. But if we are not careful, we identify the whole problem in the person or event that hurt us rather than seeing that we are always vulnerable.
The problem with forgiveness comes when we are unwilling to sit with our vulnerability and hold the specific pain of the experience. Instead, we spend all of our energy making whatever happened to us wrong. When the whole focus is projected outward, we can’t actually address the problem. The problem is to develop resilience and depth inside ourselves to handle how many times life will confront us with these type of issues.
TWO CENTRAL MISTAKES In terms of relationships, human beings make two central mistakes. People forget to acknowledge that:
- When they commit to somebody, they are committing to their good point and their bad points.
- Every single human being is deeply flawed.
ACCEPTANCE AND FORGIVENESS BEFOREHAND The deeper preparation in a long-term relationship is to see that “I am joining with a flawed, wounded, imperfect person.” That is the absolute bottom line in relationship. The other piece is “I am flawed, wounded, and imperfect, so I am not going to see them clearly.”
A basic implicit compassion-forgiveness that starts at the beginning this is crucial in relationship. While it is hard, the challenge then becomes being gentle towards us both.
Older couples understand the nature of their partner’s flaws implicitly and love them anyway.
Marriage should provide training for us to grow as people who can love, with self-control, compassion, forgiveness, gentle and kindness. Marriage and relationship can be used as spiritual practice for us to grow in our own dealing with reactivity.
PRACTICE: Can you believe that somebody can actually put up with you? How is that possible? Look at all the ways you are selfish, annoying, and disrespectful. Interesting…someone will willing to come home to you.
A flip in orientation from self-absorbed, narcissism to seeing the relationship from a forgiving point of view. Forgiveness is a decision.
Commitment is essential for a long-term relationship, and the commitment requires some degree of forgiveness.
These show notes are comprised of excerpts from Dr. Fred Luskin’s interview.
To learn more about forgiveness, see the resources below.
Check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017
MENTIONED: * Forgive for Good, by Dr. Fred Luskin * Forgive for Love, by Dr. Fred Luskin * Youtube videos of Dr. Fred Luskin * Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory Of Love (Wikipedia) * ERP 026: How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship (podcast)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST ARIELLE FORD: Arielle Ford is a love and relationship expert and a leading personality in the personal growth and contemporary spirituality movement. For the past 25 years she has been living, teaching, and promoting consciousness through all forms of media. She is a speaker and the producer and host of Evolving Wisdom’s Art of Love series.
Arielle is a gifted writer and the author of 11 books, including Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate devoted to exploring a simple, fun and effective way to attain groundbreaking shifts in perception so that you can embrace and find the beauty and perfection in yourself and your mate. She calls this “going from annoyed to enjoyed!”
She has been called “The Cupid of Consciousness” and “The Fairy Godmother of Love.” She lives in La Jolla, CA with her husband/soulmate, Brian Hilliard and their feline friends.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
ARIELLE FORD DEFINES A SOULMATE AS: * Someone you can be completely be yourself with. * Someone you share unconditional love with. * When you look into your partner’s eyes, you have the experience of being home.
IMPORTANT POINTS FROM ARIELLE FORD: WHAT IS LOVE AND THE PURPOSE OF A MARRIAGE? * The fastest and best way to get a soulmate is to put your attention everyday on gratitude for all the love you already have in your life. Then, your heart become magnetic to romantic love. * At least 90% of people are already with their soulmate. What you need to do is clear out all the gunk, the frustration, and all the disappointment, so that you can feel the love again. * Most people don’t really know what love is because we think love is a feeling.
“The really important thing about love is that it is a behavior. It is a practice. It is a decision. It is a choice.” Arielle Ford
- The purpose of marriage is to heal all of our childhood wounds. Arielle quotes Harville Hendrix in saying, “Our brain has an unconscious partner picker.” We pick somebody that comes with the playbook, with the owner’s manual on how to push all of our buttons, so that we can be healed.
“The true path of the soulmate marriage is the deepest, most amazing, spiritual work to heal ourselves and each other. And it is not always fun.” Arielle Ford
DEALING WITH CHALLENGES * The bad news is 50% of first marriages, 64% of second marriages, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. The only thing that is consistent in all three marriages is you. While it looks like the problem is over there, chances are that is not true. * Arielle quotes John Gottman in saying, “Every couple has a minimum of 9 irreconcilable differences.” It is our job in the relationship to find creative solutions to deal with our differences. * She shared a personal story about her relationship with her husband and how she negotiated a challenge with him. She said, “Nothing effectively changed until I was willing to get honest and vulnerable with him.” * One key she talked about in addressing a sensitive topic is understanding that “this is your best friend, your partner, your biggest cheerleader, your lover for life, your safe place to land, and approach these conversations from a place of love, kindness, and respect.” * If you are really angry, that is not the time to have a conversation. Go get yourself to neutral first. * Learn how to have constructive conversations and listen effectively (see below for resources).
“The hardest part of life isn’t life, it is the other human beings in life.” Arielle Ford
- We all want to be loved and accepted for exactly who we are.
- Science is now showing that for every minute you have an angry judgmental thought you suppress your immune system for up to 8 hours.
“The number one way to guarantee a long, happy life is to have a happy marriage.” Arielle Ford
ARIELLE FORD SHARED TWO TIPS: 1. Awareness:
- Stop when you recognize a negative thought.
- Think to yourself, “Cancel. Cancel.”
- Replace the negative thought with a better thought.
2. Create a new connection:
- Get yourself to neutral.
- With pen and paper, write down some memories about your partner and your relationship.
What was it like when you first met? How did you feel when you met your partner?
What are some of the best experiences you have had together?
What have you most admired and respected about your partner?
What are the happiest memories you shared together as a couple?
- Read the list and then write your partner the most beautiful love letter.
- Then, put it in an “I love you just because card” and put it in a place where they will find it when you are not around.
DOUBTING THE RELATIONSHIP? * If you are having serious doubts about your relationship, take 6 months to try new ways of relating before leaving your partner. * Take baby steps. Read and learn relationship skills (see below), and see if you can reignite your love and connection. * There is a 90% chance that you are with your soulmate and they still can be, but there are weeks, months or years of gunk in the way. * You don’t need to wait until your partner is willing to engage in growth work. If you start changing, it is likely your partner will start changing too. * If you are experiencing abuse or addiction issues in your relationship, please seek professional counseling. * Attempt to address only one issue at a time. * Communicate from a place of being a friend, being kind, and open to hearing.
Check out the resources below as well as the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017
MENTIONED: * Register for your first chapter of “Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate” by Arielle Ford (opt-in) * SoulmateSecret.com (Arielle’s “Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate” website) * SolumatePassion.com (Arielle’s “The Soulmate Secret” website) * The Soulmate Secret (Arielle’s FaceBook page) * A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article) * What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article) * ERP 036: How To Offer The Gift Of Listening (podcast) * ERP 109: How Being Gentle With Your Partner Can Make A Big Difference (podcast) * Harville & Helen Hendrix (website) * The Gottman Institute (website) * The Hendricks Institute (website) * Mary Morrissey (website)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 122: How To Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate, with Arielle Ford [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTION “I’ve been listening to your podcasts and they’ve been really helpful thank you! I am thinking of approaching my partner about your program in the near future because I think we would benefit from it greatly.
Moving forward, I have a question for your podcast. For a bit of context, because I was working and undertaking law school at the same time I didn’t really date and have never had a boyfriend until recently. My mother is the biggest influence on my life and before I moved in with my now boyfriend of almost 3 yrs, I was living with her. I met him on Tinder and hid the fact that I was seeing someone and I didn’t introduce him to her until we decided we were official. She was hurt that I didn’t tell her about him earlier and the first thing she said to me when she met him was that while he was nice, I should see other people. I respectfully told her that we were already committed and that I didn’t want to see other people.
I believe that no one will ever be ‘good enough’ in my mother’s eyes and since then, while she is polite and even charming in person – she has continued to give me grief about choosing my boyfriend and choosing to stay with him. Most of our arguments revolve around him in some way because she never fails to bring him up and make him ‘an issue’ for even something as petty as my boyfriend not driving a flashy new car.
My question to you is, I probably haven’t been authentic or completely honest in my relationship because I haven’t told my boyfriend that my mother doesn’t completely approve of him so… should I tell him? Or at least share with him the burden of this knowledge because by protecting him from it, I’ve been hurt and I’ve lied. I don’t want him to dislike my mother because I love and respect her at the end of the day but I’m tired of pretending we just ‘had another argument’ and that I’m ok because I’m not. It’s also a very lonely experience. I have close friends who support me and know about the situation but my boyfriend is not aware of this.
I look forward to any advice you can provide.”
Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.
Check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017
DR. JESSICA HIGGINS’ RESPONSE: Thank you for submitting your question. I imagine this has been an extremely difficult circumstance, and I am hopeful that you can improve the dynamic greatly.
A few questions to start with:
- How come you did not want to tell your mother about your relationship to begin with?
- Were there patterns in your relationship with her that you are already uncomfortable with before you started dating your boyfriend?
- It is possible that on some level you were anticipating the dynamic to be challenging?
Understanding your reasons for not telling her initially could be revealing and helpful in getting clear on what your needs and boundaries are with you mother. Gaining insight to this will also help in communicating your needs and boundaries with her, as you will have a more solid ground to stand on.
Some possible reasons could be:
- Needing to find your own way. Feel your own identity. Make your own decisions without being so heavily influenced.
- Or simply wanting more space. Not being so connected to her along the way. Not having her be so involved.
- Or maybe she has had a history of displaying negativity for your individual pursuits. For example, does she get anxious and worried, and not trust you to make decisions for yourself because she wants to protect you. Or maybe she feels a little threatened that she will lose you. Or possibly she wants the best for you, but sometimes puts her judgment and opinions on you.
It is interesting that you waited 3 years to share your relationship with your mother. You waited until it was serious enough (moving in together) to tell her. It almost seems as though you didn’t want her input until the relationship was already established.
From the sounds of it, it doesn’t sound like your mom gave him much of a chance. If she had gotten to know him and then was expressing some objection, then maybe I would suggest giving her an opportunity to express her perceptions and judgments. However, this is not the case. She didn’t give him a chance.
Taking in feedback from family and friends can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it is great to get perspectives from people you know and trust. On the other hand, they are definitely biased and not a neutral party. Therefore, they may not see things as clearly as you would like and their opinions are often clouded by their own agenda.
In regards to her statement about “seeing other people,” do you know what this was about for her? For example:
- Is it her stuff (see above examples)?
- Is she thinking you should get more dating experience?
-
Is this her first impression, and she wants more for you in that she thinks you can do better?
-
ADDRESS THE ISSUE. Since you and your mother have been arguing about the issue, I am assuming she knows you are not happy about the dynamic. Although, if you decide to move forward with some new ways of relating to her, it might be helpful to clearly and specifically state your issue with her.
For example, “When you talk in ways that suggest I should not be as committed to my boyfriend or when you point out negative aspects of my boyfriend, I feel hurt, scared, angry and uncomfortable.”
- HELP HER UNDERSTAND: It is possible she may still be grappling with the fact that she has been out of the loop for so long. Maybe the only explanation she is coming up with is that you had something to hide… that you were not proud of your boyfriend or your relationship.
While you may be trying to protect her feelings, I doesn’t sound like it is working for you or for her. Try to help her understand your honest experience to the best of your ability.
For example, “You are such an important person in my life. I respect your opinion so much, and yet sometimes I wonder if I have relied on your input too much. I really want to be able to make more own decisions and learn for myself what works for me and what does not work for me.”
“I do want to include you in my life. However, I may want some space and time to figure things out on my own first.”
- LET HER KNOW YOUR DISCOMFORT AND PAIN. Again, clearly and specifically state your issue. For example: “When you talk in ways that suggest I should not be as committed to my relationship or when you point out negative aspects of my relationship or partner, I feel hurt, scared, angry and uncomfortable.”
Feeling examples:
- Hurt that I don’t feel your support, trust, and belief.
- Scared about the possibility that you may never accept him and it will negatively impact my relationship with you, your relationship with him, and our possible future together as extended family.
- Angry that I continue to feel so upset by the whole dynamic. It doesn’t feel okay to me.
- Uncomfortable because I feel divided in my loyalties.
For example: “When you speak poorly about us or him, I feel as though you are speaking poorly about me. It hurts me. I love him. I have chosen him. It is as if you are telling me what I love is bad, not good enough or that my decision is not good enough.”
“He is my person. I am loyal to him. He is becoming (or is) my family too. I feel super uncomfortable and divided when you speak negatively about us or him. I do not want to feel as if I have to choose between loyalties. Loyalty to you as my mother and loyalty to him as my boyfriend.”
- LET HER KNOW YOUR LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES. Assuming you already know your limits (from your question, it sounds like you have a good idea of what is not working for you. Although, if you still want support with this, see below for additional resources. Also, may want to do a general google search on “how to set boundaries with a parent”).
For example: “Moving forward, I will not engage in negative talk about my relationship or my boyfriend. If you want to complain or express your worry or concern, I will politely excuse myself from the conversation or interaction.”
- GIVE HER SOME GUIDANCE: If her current input is not what you are wanting, then perhaps it would be a good idea to tell her what you DO want from her.
For example:
- “I would love for you to give him a chance. I would love for you to get to know him, look at his positive traits, and try to see why I love him.”
- “I would love for you to respect my choice in a partner. Even if you do not agree or totally get it, I would love for you to support my decision to be with him.”
- “Ideally, I would love for you to see his goodness and start to let him in and develop a relationship with him.”
To your specific question: “My question to you is, I probably haven’t been authentic or completely honest in my relationship because I haven’t told my boyfriend that my mother doesn’t completely approve of him so… should I tell him? Or at least share with him the burden of this knowledge because by protecting him from it, I’ve been hurt and I’ve lied.”
- COMMUNICATE YOUR ACTIONS STEPS IF SHE BREAKS YOUR BOUNDARY. I would communicate with your mother what you will do if she crosses your boundary. This will help her know what she can expect.
You may let her know that up until now you have been holding her disapproval privately. However, you are no longer willing to carry the dishonesty and burden of the inauthentic behavior. You can tell her that you will not be keeping this a secret any longer. You will no longer be willing to lie or deceive your boyfriend. As uncomfortable as it is to set a limit with her, this dynamic has been too painful.
I would give your mother a chance to adjust to your boundaries. Even warn her when she starts to cross them, and then make sure you follow through. This is the most important part. If you do not assert your boundary, then your mother is likely to continue on with her behavior.
WHAT IF SHE DOES NOT CHANGE? If she continues to express her disapproval, even with your setting boundaries and removing yourself from the interaction. Then, I think it is really appropriate and healthy to bring your boyfriend into the fold.
For example:
“I want to talk to you about my mother. As you know, my mother and I have been very close in my life. And since I have not dated very much at all, this is a new experience for her. I have been struggling with how to deal with her and how this all gets very complicated. As you know, I did not want to include her at all at first. I wanted to protect our relationship from her antics. I am still working out with her what her issues are whether she feels scared of losing me or what.
I feel terrible that she has not been more supportive and respectful. I have been setting limits with her and I will continue to do so. I will no longer protect her. If she does something unsupportive or disrespectful, I will remove myself from the situation. I will do my best to take care of our relationship and you.
I would like for you to know how hard this has been for me. I feel sadness and grief that she has not been easier to deal with and that she hasn’t truly welcomed our relationship or you with open arms and a warm heart.
I don’t want to feel hurt you. I understand this might be confusing and even feel like a betrayal. For she seems to approve when we are together, and then expresses her disapproval when you are not around.
At some point, I would love for you to understand this is more about how my mother treats me and our relationship than it is about you. I would love to be able to turn to you and let you know how much it bothers me and upsets me that she cannot be supportive in the way that I want her to be.”
WHAT IF HE THINKS NEGATIVELY OF HER? Your mother has made some choices about how she has shown up in this situation. This is reflective of her and her experience. As much as you can try, you cannot control her or her behavior. If you set limits and boundaries with her, help her understand your parameters, than you are not betraying her. She is making a decision based on the information and boundaries you have set. Your boyfriend is going to experience what is real. It is important for him to know what is really going on, so that he can learn how to deal with the situation as well. You can not do this work for him. He will have his own process. You cannot continue to pretend for her. It is hurting you too much. You are not responsible for her behavior, and it is not okay to ask you to lie and pretend for her.
I truly believe this dynamic will improve greatly if you can find your position and communicate your limits and boundaries clearly with your mother…AND take action to follow through in honoring your own boundaries.
Let me know how it goes and if I can be of any support. Check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017
MENTIONED: * ERP 053: How To Build Emotional Assertiveness In Relationship (podcast) * ERP 025: Be The Best You Can Be In Relationship (podcast) * ERP 057: How To Avoid Enabling Your Partner’s Destructive Behavior (podcast) * ERP 018: How To Deal With Feelings Of Anger In Relationship (podcast) * ERP 012: Dealing With Extended Family’s Expectations (podcast) * Photo by Taduuda on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 121: How To Get An Unsupportive Parent Onboard [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Trust is essential to the success of a happy, loving, lasting relationship. Yet, many of us are confused about how to develop trust in a relationship.
In episode 118, I offered you 2 of the 5 tips in how to build trust with your partner. I encourage you to check it out if you missed it.
In episode 119, I discussed Brené Brown’s talk on The Anatomy of Trust, where she offers important components of trust, which is based on her research and findings. Brené Brown gives us an acronym to work with: B.R.A.V.I.N.G.
To recap, B is for boundaries, R is for reliability, A is for accountability. V is for the vault. I is for integrity. N is for non-judgment. G is for generosity.
Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.
TIPS TO DEVELOPING TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP Let’s continue to use the Trust Fall exercise as an analogy as we look at how to develop a solid foundation for trust in relationship.
3. Letting go.
The act of falling back requires taking a risk and being vulnerable. This is especially true when we do not know someone that well or do not have previous trusting experience to rely on.
Before letting go, it is important to have invested in step one, “clarifying agreements,” and step two, “creating safety.” These steps focus on communication, how to work together, and how to set-up the interaction well. It doesn’t provide a guarantee, but it can eliminate a lot confusion and misunderstandings.
- Letting go involves giving up the attempts to control (i.e. not trying to catch yourself).
What comes up for you when you have a choice to “fall back”? Do you notice any level of fear and anxiety? This is normal, and what do you do with the fear and anxiety in relationship? Do you:
- Occupy the space through talking, entertaining, and telling stories and not giving people a chance to respond or be there for you.
- Try to hide or conceal your authentic feelings by pretending everything is great and wonderful all the time.
- Distract by bringing attention to others through questions, criticism, or attacks.
- Denying any of your needs, wants, or desires, by being extra self-reliant and self-sufficient. “I don’t need anyone.” “It’s okay. I am okay.”
With previous trauma or old pain, it can be very difficult to let go. “You don’t have to rely on unreliable people anymore.” (story)
A trust fall does not work if someone doesn’t want to fall or tries to control the process. They don’t get to experience and the benefit of being caught. “You caught me.” There is a certain intimacy and closeness that comes from being caught by someone as well as catching someone who is relying on you.
If we never let go, we never allow someone to catch-us. Letting go requires a willingness to be vulnerable. If you missed the series about vulnerability. You can check out the first episode here.
4. Allowing for Time & Practice.
- Work out the kinks in your interactions. Take the time to evaluate what is working well and what is not well.
- Work towards learning and understanding each other better (i.e. intentions, values, meanings, and approaches).
- Accept what your partner shares with you about their experience and reality. This is very challenging when we think we know what is going on.
- When one partner gets to their vulnerable truth, it can be hard for their partner to believe them and let down their guard. This is most difficult after long periods of cyclical arguments…almost as if they have been adversaries on this issue for so long they don’t know how to calibrate the shift.
- Offer forgiveness, if you can. Try to acknowledge how they were doing the best they could even if it was not what you wanted.
- Prioritize the value of trust. Some people worry that they are being too picky, controlling or uptight. As Brené Brown talked about in her The Anatomy of Trust talk, there are important qualities to the health and trust in relationships.
- It can be crazy making to question whether or not you have trust issues or if your partner is not trustworthy.
- To evaluate the level of trust within you and your partner’s interactions, consider taking an honest look at step one and step two in episode 118, as well as the components of trust in episode 119.
- If you and your partner’s interactions are trusting and trustworthy, then consider looking at your ability to be vulnerable and what is making that difficult for you.
5. Believing in your worthiness:
- Staying in a relationship with someone who is untrustworthy and is not willing to engage in a constructive process together can lead to a toxic dynamic.
- This can be especially problematic when one doubts their lovability and if they will ever find someone else.
“One of the biggest casualties with heartbreak and disappointment and failure and our struggle is not just a loss of trust with other people but the loss of self trust. When something hard happens in our lives the first thing we say is I will not trust myself. I was so stupid. I was so naive.” by Brené Brown
- You can develop self-trust by looking at how you show-up for yourself, how you take care of yourself, and how you advocate for yourself. Consider using Brené Brown’s B.R.A.V.I.N.G. to look at your level of trust with yourself.
“Did I honor my own boundaries? Was I reliable, can I count on myself? Did I hold myself accountable? Was I really protective of my stories? Did I stay in my integrity? Was I judgmental towards myself? Did I give myself the benefit of the doubt, was A generous towards myself? by Brené Brown
- You can’t have a genuine relationship without bringing yourself to the relationship. You can’t enter into a good exchange, if you don’t show up.
“I don’t trust people who don’t love themselves but say I love you.” by Maya Angelou
- You deserve to be treated with love. You are worthy. The possibility of your creating a trusting relationship does exist. You are not doing anyone any favors by engaging in untrustworthy behaviors.
PRACTICE STEP: Is there a way you can improve one aspect of trust in your relationship? Maybe you can clarify your agreements, address a specific area of trust, or let yourself fall back into your partners arms. Try focusing on one aspect to develop more trust in your relationship.
MENTIONED: * ERP 118: How to build trust with your partner (podcast) * ERP 119: How To Build Trust With Your Partner – Part Two (podcast) * Brené Brown’s The Anatomy of Trust (video of her talk) * ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability (podcast) * ERP 115: How to develop the strength of vulnerability – Part Two(podcast) * ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? (podcast) * ERP 113: How to Identify Manipulative & Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Paul Colaianni (podcast)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 120: How To Build Trust With Your Partner – Part Three [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Over the last several months, I have been getting questions from listeners around the issue of trust and how to build trust in a relationship. While trust is fundamental to the success of happy, lasting love, many of us are at a loss of how to develop it.
In last weeks episode, I offered you 2 of the 5 tips in how to build trust with your partner. I encourage you to check it out if you missed it.
Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.
Trust can feel like such a big, diffuse topic and it can be difficult to pinpoint “what is trust.” To help with this, I discuss Brené Brown’s talk on The Anatomy of Trust, where she offers important components of trust, which is based on her research and findings.
To explain what trust is, Brené Brown gives us an acronym to work with: B.R.A.V.I.N.G.
THE ANATOMY OF TRUST, BY BRENÉ BROWN B – Boundaries
To know what works for you and what does not work for you, and the ability to set limits with people. We are clear about the other person’s boundaries and we respect them.
R – Reliability
We do what we say we’re going to do, and we can reply on each other…over and over again. It also means being aware of our limitations and not committing to more than we can handle.
A – Accountability
We take responsibility for our part. When we make a mistake, we are willing to own it, apologize for it, and make amends. When the other person makes a mistake, we allow them to own it, apologize for it, and make amends.
V – Vault
We have discernment of what we share with others. We hold each other confidence. In our relationship, we both show that we acknowledge confidentiality by also not sharing secrets third parties have shared with us.
I – Integrity
We behave in ways that are consistent with our values and priorities, even if it is uncomfortable, inconvenient, and/or difficult. We choose what is right over what is easy and fun. Integrity is “practicing your values, not just professing them” by Brené Brown.
N – Non-Judgement
When I am vulnerable, I can turn to you. I know you will be there for me when I am struggling or hurting. I know I will be there for you when you are down, in pain, or having a difficult time. We foster a safe space by withholding judgment and offering care.
G – Generosity
We have each other’s best interest in mind. We believe in each other and we give each other the benefit of the doubt. In moments, where we have wonder and question about something, we make a generous assumption or at least suspend judgment.
Check out Brené Brown’s talk on The Anatomy of Trust to hear her stories and description as she breaks down the components of trust.
Next week, I will offer you 3 of the 5 tips in HOW to build trust with your partner.
MENTIONED: * ERP 118: How to build trust with your partner (podcast) * Brené Brown’s The Anatomy of Trust (video of her talk) * Photo by Dane Deaner on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 119: How To Build Trust With Your Partner Part Two [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Trust is what helps couples feel safe together, safe to be vulnerable, and safe to deepen in their intimacy. Yet, trust takes time and skill to build. Many of us get tripped up along the way.
Trust is “a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.” Google
LISTENER’S QUESTION: “After listening to your podcasts I’ve realized I don’t completely trust my wife’s decisions anymore. That’s something I never consciously was aware of before, but realize it’s been hidden and I’ve felt it, but didn’t understand it. How do I manage that?”
In the next two episodes, I am going to offer 5 tips in how to build trust with your partner.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
Let’s use the Trust Fall exercise as an analogy as we look at how to develop a solid foundation for trust in relationship.
TIPS TO DEVELOPING TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP 1. Clarifying Your Agreements:
- Are you in?
- Who is doing what?
- How are we are going to work together?
- Look at your expectations. Expectations play a big role in how we evaluate trust, satisfaction, and happiness in relationship.
- Be honest about what you can do and what you cannot do.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: “I absolutely love your pod and look forward to your posts. I have one big relationship issue at the moment. The issue started when my boyfriend and I decided to live together in the near future and have been discussing finances. His father manages all of his financial decisions and my boyfriend wants his father to manage my finances. We’ve discussed my concerns of his father’s potential bias toward him, his son, which turns into a discussion about “trust” i.e. “do you not trust me to have our best interest in mind?” I trust him or myself to arrange our finances, but I don’t want to answer to his father about any and all financial decisions. Thank you for sharing your guidance through your pods.
Regards,“
DR. JESSICA HIGGINS’ RESPONSE: Your not wanting your boyfriend’s father to manage your finances doesn’t have to be a trust issue. It can be about what you each want and don’t want. You may still be negotiating your agreements.
If I understand your question correctly, you may want:
- Clean and clear boundaries. His father is not a neutral party. Therapists, lawyers, and doctors typically do not work with family members because they are too involved and not able to be as objective.
- Relationships are complicated enough as it is.You may not want to add another layer of complexity, so that you can focus on making decisions with your boyfriend and doing what is best for your relationship.
- You may want to have some level of privacy. You may not want your boyfriend’s father to be privy to your personal financial information. Similarly, if your boyfriend’s father was the best gynecologist in town, you still may not want to get an exam with him.
What are your boyfriend’s needs? It might be good to explore these questions
- Is there a reason why his father manages his finances now? Is his father incredibly savvy and skilled with finances?
- Could he learn from his father? Can he develop some skills in this area?
- Could it be possible to utilize his father’s knowledge, experience, and wisdom in another way?
- Is there a reason why he does not make his own financial decisions?
- Could another person do the job as well as his father?
TIPS TO DEVELOPING TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP CONT. 2. Create Safety:
- Agreements create the foundation for safety.
- Build reliability. Is your partner going to be there for you? Are you going to be there for your partner?
- People typically have good intentions.
- Know your limitations. Be aware of your strength and abilities. Get support and reinforcement, if you need it.
- Give feedback about what would help you show-up more fully.
Stay tuned for the next episode to get 3 more tips in how to build trust with your partner.
MENTIONED: * Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast) * Expectations In Relationship (5 Considerations You Want To Be Aware Of) (podcast) * Expectations In Relationship (5 Considerations Your Want To Be Aware Of) Part 2 (podcast)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 118: How To Build Trust With Your Partner [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST DR. PETER PEARSON In preparing for this interview, Dr. Peter Pearson and I had conversation to discuss the topic for today’s show. We also talked about some of his accomplishment, so that I could introduce him to you today.
He gave me his top five professional achievements:
- Having worked with couples, an average of 25 hours a week for over 30 years.
- Writing books with his wife, Ellyn Bader, one book is for therapists called In Quest of the Mythical Mate, which describes the developmental approach to working with couples.
- Being on The Today Show, Good Morning America, CBS Morning Show and being written about in The New York Times, Redbook, and 50 other major news media.
- Training therapists around the world in their developmental model.
- “I’m proud most of the fact that Ellyn and I have lived together and worked together building The Couples Institute. Individually, both endeavors are challenging. Being married and working together combining them, means you got to practice what you preach and that’s not easy or simple.”
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
3 STRATEGIES TO CREATING A STRONG MARRIAGE BY DR. PETER PEARSON: 1. Vision: What kind of marriage do you want to be in? What kind of marriage do you want to create? The kind of marriage that makes you glad to see each other at the end of the day.
2. Skills: Marriage requires a higher level of skill to communicate, to negotiate, to connect emotionally, especially to be curious under pressure.
3. Commitment: Commitment requires will. What is your level of commitment to apply what you learn? Instead of just making a commitment to stay together, what would it be like to make a commitment is to grow together?
IMPORTANT POINTS FROM DR. PETER PEARSON: * In the early stages of relationship, couples have conversations about the things they want to do, places they want to go, and who they aspire to be. Partners love learning about each other. But, over time, that vision begins to fade into the routine and demands of everyday life. * “Be curious instead of furious.” * How you handle yourself under stress that is what determines the strength and future of your marriage. AND you can increase your ability to react under pressure and think clearly under pressure if you do it as a team. * A couple working as a team is “two highly interdependent individuals, who have mutually identified, and agreed upon goals and they hold themselves individually accountable to reach those goals.” * T.E.A.M. Together. Each. Accomplishes. More. * Elite teams have a vision bigger then themselves. They have a shared vision and a common purpose for bringing it about. * A marriage is the only interdependent relationship that is non-hierarchical. It is the most interdependent relationship we will ever be in. We all have to learn to be in a non-hierarchical relationship. * Every goal that really stretches us into new territory will trigger a different part of us that will feel anxious, nervous, unprepared, unskilled, etc. What is required is faith and courage. * Courage is the common denominator of all growth.
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear. – Franklin D. Roosevelt”
DR. PETER PEARSON SHARES TWO EXERCISES: * Crafting your vision for your future (download “The Adam & Eve Guide” below). * Top Ten (download “The Adam & Eve Guide” below).
MENTIONED: * Return To Eden: The Adam & Eve Guide to Improving Your Relationship(study guide opt-in) * Couples Institute (website) * Couples Institute Training (website) * The First Love Story: Adam, Eve, and Us (Amazon link)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 117: How To Work Together As A Team In Relationship, With Dr. Peter Pearson [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: “I am from Germany and i have listened to many of your podcasts, it really helped me to understand things better. My boyfriend and me we are 5 years together, he is from a different country (Denmark) and we speak English together in our relationship although we live in my home country. I think this makes it sometimes difficult for us to express in a nice and kind or maybe playful manner. This just gives me the idea that a show about international couples could be great.
But I think our real problem is that he is 10 years older than me and he has been before me in a 12 year relationship (with 2 kids, but it was a really unhappy relationship and she cheated on him) and before that in a 4 year relationship (his first teen love, she died in an accident when she was 18). His parents never split up and he is a very helpful person, always looking for the needs of others. I am just the opposite. My parents divorced when I was 12 years old. I had a relationship of 1 year when I was 16 and then I met some guys before him but it never got serious. I had basically have had no experience in living with a man before I met him. We really love each other and we had many great experiences in these 5 years, but we also argued nearly every week. Most times, I have something in my mind and want to do it without thinking about him, because I am used to getting what I want, because I was for a long time alone. But he gets disappointed every time, because he thinks I should look more on what he wants and needs.
And further we always try to find a solution and most times it is like i have to change. But I’m like feeling so unequal to him by that, because he always knows better. I also have the feeling That he doesn’t trust me anymore that i can do and finish something. I have changed because I don’t want to do something wrong and I ask him always how I should do things because in the end he knows better. This is really tough for me because I don’t feel like the freedom anymore which I had when I lived alone. But we still love each other and i never want to loose him. We also want to get kids together and we want to get married. I just lost some confidence and self trust over the years. Thank you!”
Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.
DR. JESSICA HIGGINS’ RESPONSE: In the future, I would love to create an episode on bicultural relationships. One quick thought about communicating…try slowing things down. This may allow space to explain the nuances and background meanings to help one another understand the intended use of the words.
First of all, I want to acknowledge how much you love your boyfriend and how much you really want to develop a healthy relationship with him. I want to applaud your effort to invest in the quality of your relationship.
- VALUE WHAT YOU BRING. * Even if he “knows better,” it is not about who is right. It is about being in relationship. He feel in love with you. If you do not have as much experience, than that is part of what is true for you.
- Love you and what you bring. This is one of the best ways to feel positive, self-worth.
-
You can’t be something that you are not. Trying to be further along or different than you are only causes suffering, pain, and insecurity.
-
FIND YOUR TRUTH. * Yes, you are open to learning how to live with someone and share your life with someone. AND I wouldn’t want you to feel responsible for knowledge and experience that you did not get.
- You gaining the experience and wisdom is going to look different than someone else gaining the experience and wisdom. It will look different on you. You have a unique expression. I wouldn’t want you to give that up. Don’t lose yourself. Stay connected to yourself.
- I want to encourage you to learn for yourself. Have a critical mind. Yes, take in his feedback. His input is important, but can you also gather more information (from friends, people in your life that live together well, books, etc.), so that you can explore what feels right to you.
- How do I live with someone well?
- Gaining your own insight will help you feel more confident and secure in yourself.
- Consider checking out these episodes:
- ERP 045: How To Gain Self-Confidence In Your Relationship
- ERP 046: How To Be More Assertive In Relationship
- ERP 021: How To Feel More Confident In Relationship
-
ERP 022: How To Feel More Confident In Relationship – Part 2
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DEVELOP A SYSTEM OF HOW YOU WANT TO MAKE DECISIONS TOGETHER. * Develop or adopt a decision making process that works for you both.
- Establish agreements that will work for you both.
- How do we develop a way of relating where we can both win?
-
ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship
-
LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH DIFFERENCES EFFECTIVELY. * Differences often feel like conflict.
- Many people do not have a good way of dealing with conflict and seemly opposing opinions and desires.
- Learn how to handle conflict well.
-
Check out the series of episodes starting with ERP 024: The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts.
-
HOLD SPACE FOR HIM. * Given some of his experiences (having his first girlfriend die at the age of 18 and his ex-wife cheating on him), which can be traumatic, he may have some fear, anxiety, and emotion that will come up.
- He may even look to you or try to feel better by wanting you to do something different. ERP 108: What Most Couples Do That Creates Problems
-
If you say curious with him, wondering what he is feeling, he may go deeper with his emotions. You may be surprised that he has a lot going on underneath the surface.
-
HOLD SPACE FOR YOU. * Understand you are learning. This is new territory. It is suppose to challenge you. Like any learning curve, it can feel hard.
- Pay attention to when you feel vulnerable or insecure.
- Be honest with yourself.
- Tune it to what would help you.
What would support me in learning?
What would support me in gaining more confidence, more security and trust in myself? - Show up for yourself.
- Ask for help.
- “It is about progress not perfection.”
This work is challenging and difficult at times, but it will give you a solid foundation to build from. Especially as you move forward into marriage and creating a family. Consider taking the Connect Couples program to develop a healthy, lasting foundation for your relationship.
PRACTICE STEP: see https://drjessicahiggins.com
MENTIONED: * ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability (podcast) * ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) * ERP 108: What Most Couples Do That Creates Problems (podcast) * ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast) * ERP 045: How To Gain Self-Confidence In Your Relationship (podcast) * ERP 046: How To Be More Assertive In Relationship (podcast) * ERP 021: How To Feel More Confident In Relationship (podcast) * ERP 022: How To Feel More Confident In Relationship – Part 2 (podcast) * Photo by Jérémie Crémer on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 116: How To Regain Trust And Self-Confidence When You’ve Lost It [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
This is part two of “How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability.” If you missed part one, you can check it out here.
As a quick recap, in part one, I talked about how many of us have a negative association with vulnerability. We may even label vulnerability as bad and weak. Whereas, Brené Brown, through her research and teaching, helps us redefine vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.”
When it comes to relationship, paradoxically vulnerability is a huge strength.
In ERP 114, I also offered 4 tips in How To Develop The Strength To Be Vulnerable:
- Redefine vulnerability
- Learn to accept some level of discomfort and uncertainty.
- Get connected with what is true for you.
- Set yourself up for success
Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.
In working with a client, who is developing more strength in being vulnerable, he speculated that we have two choices:
- To shut down.
- To be open.
To help structure our conversation, I created this visual on vulnerability. This visual helps organize the different components of what is involved in being vulnerable with yourself and with others.
What does vulnerability look like?
see https://drjessicahiggins.com
VULNERABILITY IN ACTION. Open/self:
- Having faith, even at the risk of looking like a fool.
- Investing in something that is meaningful to you, even if it means you might get disappointed.
- Putting your phone away. People have a tendency to use smartphones as a defense and protection tool.
- Taking a risk.
- In the article The Power Of Vulnerability: 5 Ways To Come Alive To Your Authentic Self, by Amber Rae, “Act with no guarantees. Ideas are safe. The idea of true love, the vision of a better world, the image of your perfect lifestyle. We can sit safely in our imaginations all day or we can fully commit to taking action, embracing the notion that we might fail or get hurt.”
How do people see you and feel you?
Open/others:
- Bringing up an issue. Expressing a need or desire.
- Sharing an opinion (in which you don’t know how well it will be received).
- Standing up for yourself (say “ouch”). Setting a boundary.
- Sharing your feelings. Sharing what is really true for you.
- In the article The Power Of Vulnerability: 5 Ways To Come Alive To Your Authentic Self, by Amber Rae, “Be real. If you’re scared, say you’re scared. If you don’t know, say you don’t know. If you made a mistake, say you made a mistake. If you feel hurt, say you’re hurt. If you’re in love, say you’re in love.”
- Sharing what you are afraid of. Sharing a fear or a shameful experience. (story)
- Apologizing (offering a sincere “I am sorry.”).
- Asking for help.
- Giving a genuine compliment (so often we avoid doing this because we are afraid of being awkward).
- Receiving a compliment.
As Brené Brown explains, vulnerability is about: “vacillating between I am here and I love you, and I’m going to reveal my innermost to you, and I am scared to death that you’ll reject me.”
WHAT VULNERABILITY OFFERS: * Feeling more connection with self. * Feeling more connection with others. * The opportunity to build more trust. * The chance to get our needs meet.
In the article Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy by Emma Seppälä, she quotes Brené Brown “Show me a man who can listen to a woman and not try to fix her problem but rather just listen to her and be there for her, show me a woman who can sit with a man who shares this vulnerability and still love him the way he is, and I’ll show you a man and woman who are courageous and have done their work,” says Brown. “It’s about intention – ‘Can this be the safest place that we have: with each other, you can be afraid with me and I can be afraid with you.’”
HOW TO DEVELOP THE STRENGTH OF VULNERABILITY: 1. FIND A STARTING POINT. * Developing the ability to be vulnerable takes time, practice, and courage. * Identify a few ways that you can practice being more open, honest, and vulnerable (see above for some suggestions). * What makes you uncomfortable? What stops you from being vulnerable and intimate with your partner? * Look for good models or examples. Try it out for yourself. * Start small. Small steps lead to big changes. * Take your time. * Be gentle with yourself.
- LEARN TO LEAN IN. * Focus on the value of being vulnerable.
- Engage. Turn towards instead of away.
- Be willing to be open.
- Muster the courage.
- Name it. See it. Acknowledge it. Share it.
- Be seen.
- Be available for connection.
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Take care of your heart.
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BELIEVE IN YOUR WORTHINESS AND THE PROCESS. * Your strength will build.
- You are worthy. You are lovable.
- Build trust in yourself and others.
- People want to help. Give them a chance.
- Connection is possible.
- As discussed in previous episodes, your feeling of safety, previous experiences, and your beliefs all impact your capacity to be vulnerable. Get support, if it would be helpful.
In the article, Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young, she writes “When we shut down our vulnerability, we shut down the possibility. There are no guarantees. There never have been. But what is certain is that we deserve more than to have our vulnerability – the greatest vehicle to connection – shut down by fear. We cannot guarantee the outcome, but we can have faith in our ability to cope with it. Living and loving with a vulnerable, open heart will bring its own rewards.”
The intimacy we yearn for will not develop on it’s own. It requires a willingness and an openness to connect with yourself and others. As explained by Brené Brown, people with a strong sense of love and belonging believe that vulnerability is a necessity.
PRACTICE STEP: “What is one practice step you can take to start developing the strength of vulnerability in your life?
MENTIONED: * ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability * ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) * Brené Brown (website) * The Power Of Vulnerability: 5 Ways To Come Alive To Your Authentic Self,by Amber Rae (article) * Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy By Emma Seppälä (article) * Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young (article) * Photo by SHTTEFAN on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 115: How to develop the strength of vulnerability – Part Two [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
In episode ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard?, I discussed why vulnerability is a difficult skill to develop. I talked about how vulnerability is a deceptively powerful ingredient within an intimate connection. I described some of the ways we get stuck and fight against being vulnerable. If you missed it, you can check it out here.
HOW ARE YOU WITH BEING VULNERABILITY? Do you let your partner in? Do you let them see your inner world…your weaknesses, your insecurities, your dreams, your longing? Do you let them feel you…feel your emotion?
Or do you hold it all together? Do you keep walls up? Do you avoid the opportunity for connection because you are afraid to reveal too much? Do you set aside your hurt, so that it cannot be seen? Do you hide your innermost thoughts, feelings, and wishes in fear that they might be rejected?
DEFINING VULNERABILITY Most of us have been bombarded with messages about being independent, capable, and strong. We expect to be able to solve all of our own problems and be self-sufficient. And asking for help and support can often bring up deep feelings of shame because we believe we should be able to handle everything.
Take a moment, when you think of being “vulnerable,” what comes up for you? What is the first thing you think of? Being “weak.” “helpless.” “open.” “unprotected.”
When it comes to relationship, paradoxically vulnerability is a huge strength.
In Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young, she writes “Without vulnerability, relationships struggle. Vulnerability is, ‘Here I am – my frayed edges, my secrets, my fears, my affection. Be careful – they’re precious.’ In return, it invites, ‘Oh, I see you there. It’s okay, you’re safe. And here – here’s me.’ It builds trust, closeness and a sense of belonging. Relationships won’t thrive without it. Vulnerability is openness to experiences, people and uncertainty. It’s terrifying at times, and brave always.”
Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.
HOW TO DEVELOP THE STRENGTH TO BE VULNERABLE 1. REDEFINE VULNERABILITY. Brené Brown, a professor and vulnerability researcher at the University of Houston has done a lot to bring the importance of vulnerability to mainstream awareness. If you haven’t seen her TED talks, I encourage you to check them out:
- The Power Of Vulnerability (TED Talk)
- Listening To Shame (TED Talk)
In Brené Brown’s best selling book “Daring Greatly,” she defines vulnerability “as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.”
Vulnerability is like the feeling we get when we take a risk, step out of our comfort zone, and the outcome is uncertain (story).
Brené Brown teaches us that while doing something new may feel uncomfortable, it also opens us up to new opportunities. Conversely, turning away from the discomfort and challenge, can perpetuate feelings of loneliness, disconnection, and dissatisfaction.
- LEARN TO ACCEPT SOME LEVEL OF DISCOMFORT AND UNCERTAINTY. * Discomfort is natural and is a part of the process.
- It is okay to be nervous. It is okay to feel scared. Nothing is wrong.
“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experiences,” Brené Brown
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When we do not accept our discomfort, we are likely to feel some level of shame or self-rejection.
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GET CONNECTED WITH WHAT IS TRUE FOR YOU. * Check-in with yourself. Drop into a deeper place of feeling.
- Connect with what is real.
- Be honest. Be willing to feel.
- Ask yourself: What am I feeling?
- Ask yourself: What do I need and what do I want? (story)
- Feel your heart. Love your vulnerability and authenticity.
- Have your own back. Ignoring or sweeping emotions under the rug doesn’t make the vulnerability go away.
Vulnerability allows you to authentically express and it allows you to open your heart. Plus, the more you can connect with what is real for you, the easier it will be to share with someone else.
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SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS. Choose:
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An appropriate time and place: share with someone when they have the time and space to give you their attention and focus (not when they are running late and rushing out of the door).
- With whom to share: share with someone in your trusted inner circle. An Intimate partner. Best friend. Close family member (as you build strength, you may be able to be more transparent with people in general).
- To what level your want to share: practice revealing at different levels (you may want to share everything with your partner and just the abbreviated version with a family member).
- To be intentional about your sharing. Make space for heartfelt connection. Treat your vulnerability as a special gift.
“What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.” – Brené Brown
MENTIONED: * ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) * ERP 111: Is it okay to want validation from My partner? (podcast) * ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? (podcast) * Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (Book) * The Power Of Vulnerability (TED Talk) * Listening To Shame (TED Talk) * Brené Brown (website) * Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young (article) * Photo by Matthew Kane on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 114: : How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST PAUL COLAIANNI: Paul Colaianni is host of The Overwhelmed Brain podcast and author of the book: The Overwhelmed Brain: Personal Growth for Critical Thinkers. He helps people all over the world become empowered so that they can make decisions that are right for them. He currently lives in Atlanta, Georgia.
In this episode, Paul talks with us about the damage of manipulation and emotionally abusive relationships. He offers signs and symptoms to help identify a toxic relationship. He also gives us two important keys in helping transform emotional abusive relationships.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)
IMPORTANT POINTS FROM PAUL COLAIANNI: Toxic relationship are when you feel bad more often than not.
“One of the main functions of an emotional manipulator is to get what they want, the way they want it by controlling people in the environment.” Paul Colaianni
Components of Emotionally Abuse Relationship:
- Your partner is in control. You often feel like you are tagging along.
- Your partner makes you feel bad about yourself, and you mistrust yourself. You believe your partner is the only person that you can trust.
- You believe your partner is the only person that will show you love, and there is no one else that will love you.
Manipulators usually have a really old fear that is driving their manipulative behavior.
SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF MANIPULATION AND EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS, BY PAUL COLAIANNI: Each item alone does not indicate a toxic or abusive relationship. Emotional abuse tends to happen over a period of time. To get a more comprehensive assessment, check out the MEAN worksheet by Paul Colaianni. Here are a just few items that Paul shared with us:
- “During and after a conversation with your partner, you can often feel (embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, anxious, angry, uneasy, and especially feeling like you are blamed or responsible for what is wrong in the relationship).
- Before you met your partner, you felt pretty good about yourself.
- Everything in the relationship seems so complex.
- You allow your boundaries or your values to be violated.
- You feel bad honoring your boundaries.
- You are always trying to find ways to make your partner happy, even at the cost of your own happiness. You apologize a lot.
- Your partner talks and talks and talks and talks.
- You don’t know where your passion for life is.
- You dread losing the relationship, even though you are mostly unhappy.
- You feel like you are going crazy.
- You feel guilty almost all the time.
- You believe you are not worthy or lovable.”
TWO KEYS TO CREATE CHANGE: If you are the victim:
- Start trusting yourself and make a decision about what you are going to do about your situation. Trust your decision.
If you are the manipulator:
- Put your focus on yourself. Take absolute accountability for your experience.
MENTIONED: * The Overwhelmed Brain (Paul Colaianni’s website) * Manipulation and Emotional Abuse Worksheet (link to Paul Colaianni’s MEAN Worksheet) * Are You With a Manipulative Person? – Indecision and Regret (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode) * Are You Being Manipulated? (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode) * Identifying Your Sense of Self – Overcoming the Guilt of Leaving the Emotional Abuser – Diminishing Emotional Triggers (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode) * Transforming the Emotionally Abusive Relationship (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode) * The Meaning of Communication – Guilt by Manipulation – Obsessing Over the Ex (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode) * The Manipulative Man: Identify His Behavior, Counter the Abuse, Regain Control, by Dorothy McCoy (book) * The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond, by Patricia Evans (book)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 113: How To Identify Manipulative & Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Paul Colaianni [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Over the last couple of weeks, I have been discussing the challenge of maintaining closeness and intimacy with your partner, as well as maintaining your sense of self in a long-term commitment, love relationship. In last week’s episode, I talked about how to seek validation and intimacy within your relationship. I offered 4 keys to doing this successfully: safety, ownership, vulnerability, and transparency.
RELATIONSHIP SECURITY AND INDIVIDUAL AUTHENTICITY WORKING TOGETHER Within an intimate relationship, we often feel the constant tension between upholding the harmony and security of the bond as well as staying honest and real about our individual desires and preferences. Both relationship security and individual authenticity are important. While they feel conflicting, they actually work together supporting the development of both. Having a more secure base, provides a safer foundation to launch from (explore and take risks). Opening up more and revealing what is true and real with a loved one (within a safe container), creates intimacy, connection, and safety.
Please check out episode ERP 110 and ERP 111 out to learn more.
In an article titled, Courage in Relationships: Conquering Vulnerability and Fear, Leon F Seltzer Ph.D. writes “Unfortunately, in many instances we simply can’t feel secure enough with our partner to approach anything we sense could endanger this bond. And so our “security” (such as it is) is really shallow and tenuous; untested. We’re just not willing—courageously—to risk feeling refused or rejected in the effort to move toward a more genuinely secure relationship:”
VULNERABILITY – “A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH” Why is vulnerability so hard? We want to feel strong. We want to be loved and accepted. We want to feel competent and able. We want to feel empowered and that we can overcome obstacles. We value achievement, perseverance, and resiliency. We say things like “Don’t wallow.” “Don’t be a victim.” “Don’t let your circumstances define you.” Given the appropriate context, I agree with the sentiments of these statements. But have we gone too far?
Do we attempt to bypass pain to exercise strength and resilience? Of course, we would all probably prefer to not feel pain. However, have we truncated or cut off the process entirely? Sure, we do not want to get stuck in a deep hole or downward spiral for months and months. But when do we get the chance to feel? Feel what is real?
In Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, Karen Young writes“Somewhere along the way, the need to protect ourselves from being vulnerable has trumped the need to connect. I understand that. Few things hurt as deeply and completely as the heartache that comes from relationships. But heartache and uncertainty is part of being human and it’s avoidance is getting in our way. In response to this, we’ve stopped allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. We’ve toughened up. We’ve turned vulnerability into a weakness and guardedness into a strength”
VULNERABILITY CREATES AN OPENING. Dr. Brené Brown, a renowned expert on vulnerability, has been doing a lot to help us redefine vulnerability. Through her research, she has found the value of vulnerability.
In Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, Karen Young, writes “Vulnerability is the driving force of connection. It’s brave. It’s tender. It’s impossible to connect without it. But we’ve turned it into a weakness. We’ve made ourselves ‘strong’. We’ve toughened up, hardened up and protected ourselves from being hurt. We’ve protected ourselves from vulnerability and disallowed the surrender. Here’s the problem. When we close down our vulnerability we are shielded from hurt, but we are also shielded from love, intimacy and connection. They come to us through the same door. When we close it to one, we close it to all.”
Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my story, explanations, and examples.
WHAT MAKES BEING VULNERABILITY SO HARD?: Pain is too much:
- Overwhelming.
- Annihilating.
- Can’t deal.
- Isn’t within our awareness.
What we say, feel, believe about ourselves:
- Shame: “I failed.”
- Insecure: “Nobody really cares about me.”
- Unworthy: “I don’t feel good enough.” “If I was smarter, more success, more attractive, than I would be worthy.”
- Unloveable: “I am toxic. I am deficient.”
- Inadequate: “I am not good at relationship”
We fear our partner’s response:
- Rejection: “You don’t know what you are talking about.” “I don’t feel the same way about you.”
- Criticism: “You are too needy.” “That is ridiculous. You are just being selfish.”
- Abandonment: “I don’t care how you feel or what you think.” “Your partner shakes their head and turns away from you.”
- Attacked: “Stop being childish.” “In response, to your sharing a sexual desire, that’s perverted”
- Betrayal: “I don’t need you.” “I don’t want you anymore.”
(uncared for, dismissed, or even humiliated)
Previous hurt, pain, and/or trauma (old feelings)
WHAT MAKES BEING VULNERABLE EVEN HARDER? Our attempts to protect:
- Afraid of upsetting the “perceived relationship harmony” (rocking the boat).
- Fear of upsetting partner.
- Fear of upsetting the relationship flow and dynamic.
- Don’t feel safe.
- Avoidance. It is natural and understandable to want to avoid feeling pain and to try to prevent pain from happening. We are wired up to protect ourselves.
In the article, Yes, Being Vulnerable Is Terrifying—But Here’s Why It’s So Worth by Katherine Schrehber, she writes “We’ve all struggled to open up to others at some point in our lives, says Jeffry Simpson, Ph.D., a social psychologist and professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota. If you’ve ever balked at the mere thought of getting close to someone new, rest assured: That’s normal. It’s instinctual and natural to avoid situations where we might get injured, he explains, even if that injury is “only” psychological.”
ACCEPT INSTEAD OF FIGHT AGAINST PAIN Radical Acceptance by Brent Menninger writes “Pain can be almost impossible to bear, but suffering is even more difficult. When you refuse to accept pain, you will suffer. Fighting reality, opposing the inevitable or struggling against what is – causes suffering. SUFFERING = PAIN X NON-ACCEPTANCE OF THE PAIN”
Brent Menninger also writes about 3 myths about acceptance:
- “1.If you don’t accept something, it will magically change and you won’t have to deal with it.
- 2. If you accept your painful situation, you will give in to it or it will take over your life.
- 3. If you accept your painful situation, you are accepting a life of pain without end. (Actually, with acceptance, you can move on to problem solving).”
In Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, Karen Young writes ‘Occasionally we get hurt. Relationship pain is an unavoidable part of being human. When it happens it can steal you. I know. But we can see this for what it is – a mismatch of people, a redirection, a learning, a happening – or we can take it as a warning and protect ourselves from the possibility of being hurt again. In this case, we make the decision to not be vulnerable. We shut it down. By shutting down to the risks of being vulnerable, we also shut down to the possibilities – the possibility of joy, intimacy, closeness, gratitude and connection.”
HOW DO YOU HANDLE BEING VULNERABLE? Self:
Can you be with your own pain?
Can you make space to see it and acknowledge it?
Others:
Are you willing to be seen… willing to reveal parts or yourself you are not sure will be accepted?
MENTIONED: * ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) * ERP 111: Is it okay to want validation from My partner? (podcast) * Courage in Relationships: Conquering Vulnerability and Fear, by Leon F Seltzer Ph.D (article) * Brené Brown (website) * Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young (article) * Yes, Being Vulnerable Is Terrifying—But Here’s Why It’s So Worth by Katherine Schrehber (article) * Radical Acceptance by Brent Menninger * Photo by Jack Kaminski on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
In the Empowered Relationship Podcast episode 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship, I talked about we often get caught in the belief that being in relationship requires us to give over of ourselves in an attempt to seek relationship harmony. Yet, when we do this, we can lose touch with ourselves, our passion, and our desires.
David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage talks about “Emotionally fused couples.” He explains that they “are controlled by their connection. They have lost their ability to direct themselves and so get swept up in how people around them are feeling. There’s room for only one opinion, one position, differentiation is the ability to stay in connection without being consumed by the other person. Our urge for togetherness and our capacity to care always drive us to seek connection, but true interdependence requires emotionally distinct people.”
In episode 110, I talked about the importance of holding priority for both needs…autonomy and intimacy in relationship. Yet, we typically do not have a model of how to grow ourselves (autonomy) while growing in relationship (intimacy).
Intellectually, we may understand that both needs are important…the need for autonomy and the need for intimacy. But in practice, we struggle balancing these two seemly conflictual needs. Though, the struggle is part of our development. The process of growing, maturing, and evolving us.
In episode 110, I also talked about two different approaches in the field of couples work.
- One is to help the individual become more differentiated. “Differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love.” By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage. Through the process of self validation “that’s when you don’t expect your partner to validate or accept what you disclose. You validate yourself as you show your partner who you really are.” By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage
- The other is to help couples create a more secure emotional connection, so that they can feel more trust, care, and safety within their partnership. This safety allows for more vulnerability and authentic sharing, which in turn creates more connection.
The main difference between these approaches is the need for safety in the relationship dynamic. One approach focuses on self-soothing and self-validating, so that a partner can express himself/herself more authentically and vulnerability. This in turn cultivates more passion and connection. While the other approach focuses on creating safety between partners to allow for more vulnerable sharing, which in turn creates more intimacy and connection.
Through my dissertation research, I speculated that it may be important to first create a solid, safe foundation in relationship to then take more risks of self-expression and self-validating.
While these two approaches are different in their focus, they have several similar aspects. Let’s address the desire to feel seen, understood and validated.
We all want to feel accepted, loved, and valued for who we truly are. Yet, the path of seeking validation can be fraught with great difficulty.
“We’re driven by something that makes us look like we crave intimacy, but in fact we’re after something else: we want someone else to make us feel acceptable and worthwhile….Once we realize that intimacy is not always soothing and often makes us feel insecure, it is clear why we back way from it.” By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage
It may be important to note there is a subtle difference between the intention to seek intimacy verses to seek validation. Seeking validation is more about approval and okayness.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)
IS IT OKAY TO WANT VALIDATION FROM YOUR PARTNER? If you do not know you are worthy and acceptable, it may be incredibly healing to have your partner remind you of your goodness. AND are you continuously relying on your partner’s validation to source your self-esteem? Or are you doing your inner work to grow yourself?
To answer the question “Is it okay to want validation from your partner?,” it may be important to look at a few aspects within yourself first. These questions address HOW you are going about seeking validation and seeking intimacy:
- Are you wanting your partner to be responsible for your experience? (“You didn’t agree with me. I feel small and inadequate. It is your fault that I feel insecure. Can you see how you made me feel low?”) Or are you clear that you are seeking validation? (“I am feeling a lot of self-doubt. Can you help me? Would you be willing to point out some strengths that I might be overlooking about myself or the situation? (ownership)
- Are you willing to look at your discomfort and pain to have greater understanding of what your issue is about? Asking yourself what gets brought up in you in this situation, may help you see with is going on at the core. If you do not look within, you are likely going to miss a great opportunity to learn something powerful about yourself and you will probably project on your partner. And your partner will not have an opportunity to really be with you and connect with what is real within you. (vulnerability)
- Are you willing to let your partner really see you fully? Usually, we want our partner to look at what they did wrong to hurt or offend us. It is a much more vulnerable thing to look at why this is a tender spot for you or what insecurity it brings up in you, AND then to share it with your partner. (transparency)
“Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they’re “losing themselves,” and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered, They can stay connected with people who disagree with them and still “know who they are.” They don’t have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self.” By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage
4 KEYS TO SEEKING VALIDATION AND INTIMACY: 1. Safety
2. Ownership (Responsibility)
3. Vulnerability (authenticity)
“Vulnerability here does not mean the act of being weak or submissive. To the contrary, it implies the courage to be yourself. It involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. And that is why it might seem scary.” By Emma Seppälä in Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy
4. Transparency:
“The truth is that when we allow ourselves to be completely open and vulnerable, we benefit, our relationships improve, and we may even become more attractive. “We are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth,” says Brown. “We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect.” Why do we love children so much? Why are we drawn to people who act themselves? Because we feel an intrinsic comfort in the presence of authenticity. Moreover, someone who is real and vulnerable gives us the space and permission to be the same.” By Emma Seppälä in Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy
PRACTICE STEP: How can you would will one of the 4 Keys this week (safety, ownership, vulnerability, transparency?
MENTIONED: * Passionate Marriage (book) * Brené Brown (website) * Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy By Emma Seppälä * What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article) * Photo by Zoran Zonde Stojanovski on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 111: Is It Okay To Want Validation From Your Partner? [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Do you aim to please your partner or do you aim to express yourself authentically? Do you give your partner what he/she wants immediately or do you advocate for your desires? With a sensitive topic, do you avoid stating what is real for you because you fear upsetting your partner?
These questions address the continual challenge of negotiating our need for individuality (personal needs, desires, dreams) and our need for closeness in relationship (connection and intimacy).
TWO CONFLICTING NEEDS: In relationship, we often feel as though we only two options; 1) go along with your partner’s preferences 2) exert your preferences.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)
AIMING TO PLEASE: When the priority is all about accommodating our partner, we can lose connection with ourselves. We may lose integrity with what is real individually. We may not express our authentic needs, desires, and preferences because we are afraid of:
- being rejected (being seen as “too much,” “inappropriate,” or “not okay.”)
- looking silly or being embarrassed.
- conflict (i.e our partner not wanting what we want or not liking what we shared).
- upsetting our partner.
- feeling alone.
- feeling disconnected.
- feeling abandoned.
With pleasing and prioritizing our partner, we can run into these challenges as well:
- When our partner is not happy with our attempts to please, we can feel hurt, misunderstood, and/or not good enough.
- Our partner can begin to expect us to give over freely and easily, and/or we can feel pressured too put our partner first (or that putting their needs first is “the right thing to do”).
- Our partner’s happiness becomes a measure of our performance – or how well we are doing as a partner. This begins to feel like “If my partner is upset, I am not okay.” or “If my partner is happy, we are good.”
FUSION FANTASY: Excerpt from Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch, about the concept of “fusion fantasy” (from page 56), which is “the fantasy of two (or more) bodies appearing to be controlled by a single mind – as of we’ve given up our separate identities and become part of a larger oneness.”
“Fusion fantasy” reminds me of the phenomenon “Groupthink.” Google’s definition of groupthink is: the practice of thinking or making decisions as a group in a way that discourages creativity or individual responsibility.
“Groupthink is a psychological phenomenon that occurs within a group of people in which the desire for harmony or conformity in the group results in an irrational or dysfunctional decision-making outcome. Group members try to minimize conflict and reach a consensus decision without critical evaluation of alternative viewpoints by actively suppressing dissenting viewpoints, and by isolating themselves from outside influences.” Wikipedia
Partners who have been caught in the pattern of suppressing their individual or creative selves in relationship to avoid conflict will typically get to a point where they feel stuck, frustrated, and dissatisfied. Their relationship does not represent them and does not feel like what they expected or planned for.
Culturally, we often get the message that if we find “the one” things will flow and be easy, as if this route of self-sacrifice leads to relationship bliss. However, this is not the case. In fact, continual self-sacrifice in relationship leads to many issues.
“Fusion Fantasy” leads to:
- protecting the status quo, which gives the illusion of safety.
- staying in the comfort zone and being afraid to take risks.
- hiding and not sharing, revealing, and being vulnerable.
- loosing touch with self, and what is meaningful and important.
- a loss of excitement, passion, and intimacy within the relationship.
- stagnation and lack of growth and development personally and relationally.
TAKING CARE OF THE RELATIONSHIP Attachment theory in adult romantic relationships helps us understand how important it is for partners to feel safe in their emotional connection. Partners need to feel that they can rely on, trust, and turn to each other for care. Partners need to know that their parents will have their back and be there for them. Couples need to feel that their emotional bond is secure and stable.
In helping couples create more safety in their emotional connection, the process is not about getting the couple to have the same experience or getting them to be in unison. It is about creating a space space of each individual to reveal their deep, authentic experience more vulnerably to their partner. When this type of sharing occurs and our partner will more likely hear our experience without feeling blamed, shamed or responsible (as you are showing them what is going on for you rather than making it their fault or problem). In turn, our partner’s genuine response will usually be empathic and an expression of desire to help (because they care and can see your pain).
SAFETY & GROWTH In my dissertation, couples talked about the importance of commitment to have a safe foundation to grow from. They talked about how the commitment gave them a sense of comfort and security to take risks and explore more freely. Therefore, their commitments were more liberating rather than constraining. They felt the courage and safety to try new things and to be more vulnerable.
TAKING CARE OF SELF “Differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love.” Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch (page 51)
VALUE FOR BOTH: In relationship, we are faced with the task of balancing these two very important and essential needs…autonomy and intimacy.
Many people talk about the benefit of balance, and it worth noting that balance is a very difficult state to achieve. We usually have moments of balance, but more often than not we are in a state of seeking balance.
Interdependence – having value for both autonomy and intimacy.
When a couple dances together in an expressive way, they can flow together, where both people are having fun and contributing to the movement. Both people are individually responsible for their balance and at times may choose to join or even lean on each other in a mutually consensual way. They may also choose to focus on their individual movement at times. All along, they are creating a larger dance together.
MENTIONED: * Passionate Marriage (book) * What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article) * “Groupthink” (Wikipedia) * Photo by Boris Smokrovic on Unsplash
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
In last week’s podcast episode, titled “What Most Couples Do That Creates Problems,” I talked about how couples tend to try and resolve their concerns through their partner.
In a short video by Dr. John Gottman (renowned relationship expert and researcher), he talks about this dynamic. In Gottman’s language, he separates couples from his research into two major groups: the “masters” and the “disasters.”
Masters are the couples that are still happily together after six years. Disasters are the couples that are unhappy and/or are not together anymore.
When addressing an issue, masters are gentle in their approach with one another. Whereas, disasters tend to have the attitude of “diagnosing their partner’s personality defects.”
Frequently, I talk about the importance of approaching a difficult conversation from a calm and caring place, in that it sets the conversation up for better communication. Couples will be more apt to listen and hear each other, and hence be a little more able to work towards a resolution together.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)
WHAT IS GENTLENESS? Google’s definition of gentleness:
- ”the quality of being kind, tender, or mild-mannered.”
- “softness of action or effect; lightness.”
WHY DO WE STRUGGLE WITH BEING GENTLE? * We think being gentle is a gift or is for the benefit of our partner. * We get angry and think our partner doesn’t deserve our kindness. Sometimes, we may even want to punish our partner a little bit. * We are not gentle because we are protesting something our partner is doing, in hopes they will hear our plea and come to the rescue. * We feel offended, slighted as if our partner doesn’t care and/or has hurt us purposely, * We think our partner will not hear the severity of our concern if we are too gentle in our approach.
When in fact, the opposite is true. When we come on strong, our partner is often too busy managing their stress levels of feeling attacked. This is largely an automatic and biological function. If your partner is feeling worried, scared, insecure, and overwhelmed, chances are they will be more focused on trying to protect themselves rather than listening to what you have to say. This prevents communication because partners are not feeling safe, secure, and at ease.
WE REACT TO EACH OTHER’S NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION Couples can react to each other within a nanosecond. It doesn’t take much…an eye roll…head nod…a sigh.
The majority of communication is nonverbal. Here is an excerpt from this article How Does Nonverbal Communication Affect Relationships?:
“Most of us remember cringing as children when our mothers gave us that look — the look that meant we were in deep trouble. She didn’t have to say a word. And even if she did say a word — even if it was kind — you could probably still tell you were in trouble because the brain processes both verbal and nonverbal communication at the same time and notices when someone’s words don’t match their body language. A wealth of emotions can be conveyed with a look, a sigh, a smile or a tilt of the head. Nonverbal communication is not just something we do to show how we are feeling, but we also depend on our interpretations of it when we interact with each other.
Indication of trouble or upset in the relationship.
Nonverbal communication includes body language, tone of voice and facial expressions, all of which can be misinterpreted. When nonverbal cues are misinterpreted, it can create conflict in a relationship.”
WHEN BOTHERED BY YOUR PARTNER, ARE YOU GENTLE IN YOUR APPROACH? When are you not gentle with your partner? What hinders your ability to be gentle?
- “When I feel stressed (pressed for time, tired, hungry or overwhelmed).”
- “When I think my partner knows better, and they do not care.”
- “When I feel scared or threatened.”
When are you able to be gentle? What helps?
- “When I feel good and strong.”
- “When I feel in connected with my partner.”
- “When I trust my partner cares, but just does not know what is going on for me.”
HOW TO CREATE MORE GENTLENESS: 1. One of the best ways to set your communication up for success is to start off soft with your approach. This comes from being in a calm state and caring about having a positive outcome.
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Prioritize gentleness throughout the conversation. This requires you to manage your stress level.
From Nonverbal Communication: “Stress compromises your ability to communicate. When you’re stressed out, you’re more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior. And remember: emotions are contagious. You being upset is very likely to make others upset, thus making a bad situation worse.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by stress, it’s best to take a time out. Take a moment to calm down before you jump back into the conversation. Once you’ve regained your emotional equilibrium, you’ll be better equipped to deal with the situation in a positive way.” -
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Trust they care. Being willing to participate in creating a climate of goodwill.
-
Let them know what happens for you, rather than what they are doing wrong. Talk about your experience – reveal your thoughts, worries, fears, and emotions (listen to episode ERP 108 for more information).
PRACTICE STEP: Ask yourself:
- When am I able to be gentle? What helps?
- When am I not gentle? What hinders?
If you have an issue to bring up with your partner, try to practice these 4 steps. Let me know how it goes!
MENTIONED: * ERP 108: What Most Couples Do That Creates Problems (podcast episode) * Nine Destructive Behaviors to Avoid During Relationship Conflict (article) * A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article) * ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship (podcast episode) * ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part Two (podcast episode) * “Criticism” video with Dr. John Gottman (video) * How Does Nonverbal Communication Affect Relationships? (article) * Nonverbal Communication (article) * East Beach Volleyball Academy (website) * AVP (website)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 109: How Being Gentle With Your Partner Can Make a Big Difference [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
We look to solve our concerns through our partner.
We spend our time trying to get our partner to see what THEY are doing wrong and get them to see our perspective. We think, “If I can just point it out to them in a way they can hear it…” “Or if I can give them a good enough example and illustrate my point, they will understand.”
We think if they understand, they will see the error of their ways and they will change their behavior.
Attempts at this strategy usually never work. When we tell our partner what they are doing wrong, most often they will get defensive. They will feel hurt, attacked, or blamed.
Many times couples go into therapy expecting or hoping that the therapist will help change their partner. One partner or both partners want the therapist to be a judge deeming a particular behavior as unacceptable and convince the offending partner to change.
To hear how to shift out of this dynamic, please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript. You will hear explanations, stories and examples as well.
Here are 4 steps to shift out of this challenging dynamic:
-
RECOGNIZE THE CUE (I.E. COMPLAINT OR ISSUE). 2. AS SOON AS YOU ARE ABLE, INQUIRE INTO WHAT IS GOING ON FOR YOU. “Hmm.” ”What is going on in me?” “What is wanting to be expressed?”
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STAY WITH IT. Stay interested and curious in what is going on for you.
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ALLOW NEW INSIGHT AND AWARENESS TO EMERGE (MAY HAPPEN IMMEDIATELY OR IT MAY HAPPEN OVER A FEW HOURS OR DAYS). MENTIONED: * Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (Gay & Katie’s book)
- The Hendricks Institute (Gay & Katie’s website)
- ERP 066: How to move out of criticism into love & appreciation With Kathlyn Hendricks (podcast episode)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 108: What Most Couples Do That Creates Problems [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST STAN TATKIN: Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a couple therapist known for his pioneering work in helping partners form happy, secure, and long-lasting relationships. His method—called PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy®)—draws on principles of neuroscience and teaches partners to become what he terms “secure-functioning.”
Together with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, Dr. Tatkin founded the PACT Institute to train psychotherapists and other professionals how to incorporate his method into their practices with couples. Therapists from all over the world are being trained in this breakthrough approach.
Dr. Tatkin has a private practice in Calabasas, CA, and is an assistant professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is the author of several books, including the bestselling WIRED FOR LOVE and WIRED FOR DATING published by New Harbinger.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)
STAN TATKIN TALKED ABOUT: * “Secure Functioning” is being in a relationship that is fully collaborative, fully mutual, and based on justice, fairness, and sensitivity. * How a couple protects each other and how they handle stress together. * Environmental threats may bring stress to the individuals and the couple, and helping couples regulate the stress through connection and relationship. * Family culture – is relationship a priority? If relationship is not important and prioritized, than children often develop some level of insecure attachment. * Cultural messages can be misleading and confusing (i.e. “Love yourself before you can love another.”) * Couples often lack purpose in their union…why they are together? What is their partnership all about? What are their shared values, agreements, and principles that keep them committed? * People with insecure attachment styles tend to behave in ways that are good for the self, but are not good for the relationship. * How our neurobiology impacts our perception and memory, which in turn impacts the way we perceive and experience our partners in relationship. * Naturally, we tend to have a negativity bias. * Prioritizing emotional attunement in relationship. * The importance of having loyalty to the couple system that provides a foundation of security, safety, and sustenance for the couple to thrive.
UPCOMING PODCAST TOPICS I would love your input! Please let me know what topics interest you the most by filling out this very easy survey. Also, feel free to include other topics that you would like to hear episodes on. Thank you!!!!! I appreciate you!!!!!
MENTIONED: * Stan Tatkin (website) * PACT Institute (website) * Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship * Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate * Relationships Are Hard, But Why? Stan Tatkin (Ted Talk)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 107: How To Prioritize Relationship With Stan Tatkin [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Recently, a listener posed a question about how to handle attractions towards people outside their relationship.
It is normal and healthy to be attracted to people, even to people outside your marriage or long-term relationship. It is what you do with the feelings of attraction that determines if the attraction is going to become constructive or destructive.
When we try to hide, conceal, and deny feelings of attraction, we get ourselves into trouble.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)
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GIVE SPACE AND ACCEPTANCE FOR YOUR FEELINGS AND ATTRACTION. “Everything begins with a choice to face something or to avoid facing it. Facing is the choice that saves the most lives. Failure to face something is the choice that destroys the most lives. If you are not happy and creative, look first at what you are not facing in your life. When our lives are not working, there is always at least one thing we are not facing.” Gay Hendricks in Conscious Living
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ATTRACTION IS MORE ABOUT YOU THAN IT IS ABOUT ANYONE ELSE. 3. BRING AUTHENTICITY, WHAT IS ALIVE AND FRESH BACK TO THE RELATIONSHIP. 4. TALK ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH YOUR PARTNER. Excerpt from Conscious Living a story about how Gay dealt with sexual attraction towards another woman. From page 90 in Conscious Living.
UPCOMING PODCAST TOPICS I would love your input! Please let me know what topics interest you the most by filling out this very easy survey. Also, feel free to include other topics that you would like to hear episodes on. Thank you!!!!! I appreciate you!!!!!
MENTIONED: * ERP 104: How Can Infidelity Make Your Relationship Stronger? (podcast episode) * ERP 105: How To Deal With Limerence In Relationship * ERP 071: How To Use Sexual Energy To Improve Your Health & Relationship – With Sarina Stone (podcast episode) * ERP 043: How To Transform Jealousy into Passion and Excitement (podcast episode) * Conscious Living: Finding Joy in the Real World By Gay Hendricks (book) * The Hendricks Institute (Gay’s website) * ERP 066: How to move out of criticism into love & appreciation With Kathlyn Hendricks (podcast episode) * Intimacy & Desire By David Schnarch (book)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 106: What To Do When You Are Attracted To Someone Else [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
What is limerence? Most people see limerence as infatuation, lovesickness or romantic love, while others think of it more as a love obsession or addiction.
Limerence is the “I need you, want you, can’t live without you” feeling.
Limerence ...
LISTENER’S QUESTION: “If you heard the story of my 18 year relationship, even you might be surprised
Over the last couple of years we really tested the boundaries of us being together
Now we are better , stronger , more intimate and communicative than ever before
We both proclaim most every day how happy we are that we each stood for the relationship when the other faltered
The harshest part we went through was my pulling away , near infidelity emotionally which caused me to questioned “us” and although that was short-lived , I did pull away for a couple of years emotionally and physically
About the time I was coming back to wanting to repair he started talking to someone at work who pursued him
He said he knew it the beginning she was nothing he wanted, but he was drawn in because she gave him what I was not ; attention. They had been talking a month already when I found out
Once I found out he almost immediately tried to break it off with the other person but she kept drawing him back and for several months he felt like he was in a vortex of emotions
I stood for us this time I listened to you and other podcasts and after a few months he made a clean break and we moved forward
After 17 years together and me saying no to getting married , we got married
He said it’s what he wanted all these years
So I would love to hear a podcast on infidelity, limerence and that it can be overcome
Your relationship can be stronger and it can even be a wake up call
It was a blessing in disguise for us
I love your shows so much
I feel like you are right here talking to me
I listen to the ones that don’t seem like they apply as I now know relationships are like a living entity and always changing
I want to forever stay on top of my game
I share the cliff notes with my hubby and they open up great conversations
Thank you for this gift
Love and light”
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)
HOW TO SURVIVE INFIDELITY: Infidelity undoubtedly puts a lot of strain on a relationship, but in some cases an affair can make your relationship stronger.
Experiencing a crisis period is normal:
- Feeling turmoil, rage, and great despair.
- Reeling with confusion and betrayal.
- Feels like an assault to the bond.
- Feels shattering to dreams, goals, and connection.
Previous trauma and other issues can make the dynamics more complicated.
- Previous affairs.
- Past traumas.
- Sexual addiction.
- Low self-worth and self-esteem.
Dealing with hard truths about self and relationship is necessary to move forward in a productive manner.
Affairs are often an alert that something isn’t being dealt with within the relationship.
- Loss of attention to sexual connection and love life (i.e. “loss of “erotic tension”).
- Couple has been in autopilot.
- Unspoken needs (sexual and emotional).
- Too much control and constriction (too many rules – can’t do this, can’t do that).
- Dissatisfaction.
- Hiding from each other.
Acknowledging choice points and decisions made will be important to confront, as the dishonesty and deception can be more disturbing than the actual sexual affair.
- Lies and deception.
- Denial, justification and rationalizations.
- Avoidance, fear and insecurities.
- Discontent, disconnect and pain.
- Unilateral decision making.
In order to make room for a stronger connection, partners need to be ready to be accountable and take ownership.
- Seek awareness, insight, and understanding about self and partner.
- Be really honest about your experience.
- Even if the meaning of the affair is fuzzy, try to be in the place of exploration.
- Being really honest and present creates an opening for connection.
- Breakdown for a break through.
Prioritize the goal of seeking to understanding.
- Create a space for an honest and safe dialogue. Regardless of your choice of how to move forward, you will get a lot more out of this approach then trying to attack or punish out of hurt and pain.
- Openness to asking and answering tough questions with truth.
- Clear the dishonesty. Perception checking (not feeling crazy or going off into fear based fantasies).
- Gain clarity.
- Having compassion and empathy for one another. Deep healing for pain and transgressions that occurred (i.e. “Sorry I ignored you.” “Sorry I went else where.”).
- Start to rebuild trust.
Being willing to tolerate uncertainty.
- Avoid premature decision-making.
- Have patience for the process.
- Resist the urge to take short cuts.
- Look at what is real and true. It can be incredibly revealing.
Develop shared meaning about the affair.
- What is true (i.e. about self and relationship)?
- What is the learning?
- What is the growth?
- Is there a new foundation to stand on?
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 104: How Can Infidelity Make Your Relationship Stronger? [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S COMMENT: “I’ve been listening to your podcasts for the past few weeks and I’d like to say thank you for the insight and information. Unfortunately it’s too late to help in my current marriage, but it is very insightful. Coming from a family with parents that didn’t show love to one another I never learned how to express it in a productive way. My wife recently filed for divorce and it has placed me in a state of shock. I’ve been reflecting on our relationship, going to therapy and attending AA to help through this rough time and realize how broken I am … Nevertheless I am hopeful that I can become a better person in the long run and express myself fully with all those I encounter and your words and guests keep me going. Your podcasts have taught me new skills and opened my eyes to the reality of how to build a strong productive relationship and they also help me get through the rough days. I hope that others will hear you before it’s too late and work on developing themselves.
God bless you and once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart.”
(PLEASE LISTEN TO THE PODCAST EPISODE OR READ THE TRANSCRIPT TO HEAR MORE EXPLANATIONS, STORIES AND EXAMPLES.) In this podcast episode, I share quotes and excerpts from Intimate Relationship as a Spiritual Crucible, by John Welwood. I also discuss client stories that exemplify these concepts.
Here are a few from the show:
“While most people would like to have healthy, satisfying relationships in their lives, the truth is that everyone has a hard time with intimate partnerships.” by John Welwood
“For one person to love another, this is the most difficult of all our tasks.” by Rilke
“After numerous hardships and failures, many people have given up on intimate relationship, regarding the relational terrain as so fraught with romantic illusion and emotional hazards that it is no longer worth the energy.” by John Welwood
“Although modern relationships are particularly challenging, their very difficulty presents a special arena for personal and spiritual growth.” by John Welwood
“Yet opening to another also flushes to the surface all kinds of conditioned patterns and obstacles that tend to shut this connection down: our deepest wounds, our grasping and desperation, our worst fears, our mistrust, our rawest emotional trigger points.” by John Welwood
“Many of us have a cartoon-like notion of relational bliss: that it should provide a steady state of security or solace that will save us from having to face the gritty, painful, difficult areas of life. We imagine that finding or marrying the right person will spare us from having to deal with such things as loneliness, disappointment, despair, terror, or disintegration. Yet anyone who has been married for a long time probably has some knowledge of the charnel ground quality of relationship” by John Welwood
“The problem with running away when a relationship becomes difficult is that we are also turning away from ourselves and our potential breakthroughs. Fleeing the raw, wounded places in ourselves because we don’t think we can handle them is a form of self-rejection and self-abandonment that turns our feeling body into an abandoned, haunted house. The more we flee our shadowy places, the more they fester in the dark and the more haunted this house becomes. And the more haunted it becomes, the more it terrifies us. This is a vicious circle that keeps us cut off from and afraid of ourselves.”
“One of the scariest places we encounter in relationship is a deep inner sense of unlove, where we don’t know that we’re truly lovable just for being who we are, where we feel deficient and don’t know our value. This is the raw wound of the heart, where we’re disconnected from our true nature, our inner perfection. Naturally we want to do everything we can to avoid this place, fix it, or neutralize it, so we’ll never have to experience such pain again.” by John Welwood
“In relationship, it is two partners’ greater beings, gradually freeing themselves from the prison of conditioned patterns, that bring about this decisive defeat. And as this starts reverberating through their relationship, old expectations finally give way, old movies stop running, and a much larger acceptance than they believed possible can start opening up between them. As they become willing to face and embrace whatever stands between them—old relational wounds from the past, personal pathologies, difficulties hearing and understanding each other, different values and sensitivities—all in the name of loving and letting be, they are invited to “enter into reality.” Then it becomes possible to start encountering each other nakedly, in the open field of nowness, fresh and unfabricated, the field of love forever vibrating with unimagined possibilities.” by John Welwood
MENTIONED: * Build Happy, Love Presentation (webinar replay link – expires 4/17/17) * Relationship Map (opt-in download – you will want this for the webinar) * Connected Couple Information page (only accepting 20 couples) * Discount code: cc500w (expires 4/17/17) * Intimate Relationship as a Spiritual Crucible
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 103: How Love Can Transform Us In Relationship [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
In this episode, you will hear me share a personal story of dealing with continual roadblocks. I also offer 4 tips on how to deal with the experience of things not working out as planned.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)
HOW TO DEAL WITH THINGS NOT WORKING OUT 1. Understand that experiencing hardship is a normal part of living. There is nothing wrong with you.
2. Surrender the need to control the process. Accept the reality of what you are going through. The more we resist pain the more suffering we experience. Sometimes we need a breakdown to have a breakthrough.
3. Be present with what you are feeling. This is so hard when things are not going well. You may need time to reflect and connect with what you are feeling. You may need a good cry or an empathic ear from a trusted person. Take time to feel what is real.
4. Listen and be receptive. You may get a new insight or new perspective that feels like an opening to something new. Be open to your intuition, inner wisdom and guidance.
“The turning point at the crest is when you reach the most materialistic, extroverted view of life, when materialization is complete and we feel ‘high’ and successful. In physics terms, the wave has become a particle. The most challenging time may be when the wave turns at the trough – when you’re bored, feel things fading, need space, and must release meaning and what’s outmoded in order to return to Being. In studying physics, this is where the particle becomes the wave. Moving from the trough to crest seems like the fun part because it involves enthusiasm, motivation, and achieving goals. But releasing old forms, relaxing, dreaming of multiple imaginary realities, and rejuvenating ourselves are every bit as pleasurable. Chronic resistance to the turning points of wave can cause exaggerated dramatic shifts, such as crises and traumas.” By Penney Peirce
MENTIONED: * How To Build A Happy, Lasting Love – Webinar (webinar link)
* What To Do When Nothing Is Working Out By Ruth Lera
(article)
* Frequency: The Power of Personal Vibration By Penney Peirce (book)
* Agape (website)
* Mary Morrissey (website)
* Glenwood Hot Springs (website)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 102: What Do You Do When NOTHING Is Working Out? [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Jeff is a Reichian/Somatic Psychotherapist in Boulder, Colorado who works with men, women, couples, Men’s groups, and members of the LGBTQ community in an emotion-focused, body-centered way. His work centers on relationship—both with self and other—and the ways that unacknowledged trauma can inform how we are in relationship. He also works in the realms of soul & shadow, while using awareness practices as a means to clarify our unique purpose in life.
In this episode, Jeff Howard talks with us about conventional views on relationship and intimacy can hinder and harm us. He helps give us some tools on how to gain more authenticity and wholeness within our intimate partnerships.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to gain access to the full conversation, points, and examples.)
JEFF HOWARD TALKED ABOUT: * Breaking down the belief that romantic relationship is the only source for intimacy and connection, as it is too much pressure for our partners to fulfill our every need. * “My okayness doesn’t rely on my partner’s approval.” Healthy differentiation is about not over relying on other people for our wellness. * Focusing on process over product. * Letting go of the need to be perfect. “Showing up a little messy.” * Looking at how we take these personally. * Shifting into being curious. “Slow down and take a breath to consider another option.” * The importance of proactively becoming aware of your wounds and tender spots as well as your partner’s wounds and tender spots. * Being in the practice of checking in with your partner and being in communication on a regular basis. * Having a safe space to process can be really helpful (especially with really tricky topics). * How most of us do not have good models or examples of how to deal conflict well. * Helping men (and women) acknowledge their many different parts (especially the parts that we want to deny or consider shameful). * How we often do not tell the whole truth. * How to deal with anger more effectively. * How to look at our triggers and patterns with more awareness.
MENTIONED: * Jeff Howard – Three Leaves Counseling (website) * How To Build A Happy, Lasting Love – Webinar (webinar link) * ERP 083: How Vibrant Community Helps Support Healthy Relationship With Christiane Pelmas (podcast episode) * Bill Plotkin (website- about)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 101: How To Move Into Wholeness With Jeff Howard [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
WHAT DOES A SUCCESSFUL, THRIVING, PASSIONATE RELATIONSHIP LOOK LIKE? In this episode, I share with you a little about my personal story and what led me to studying this topic. I also share with you three of the nine themes that came out of my dissertation research.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)
3 BUILDING BLOCKS FOR A CONSCIOUS INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP Here are three themes from my dissertation research:
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ESTABLISHING A RELATIONSHIP IN UNKNOWN TERRITORY Little Support:
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Old paradigms didn’t work.
- Little guidance (i.e.“no one ever shows them how to create it”)
- Little modeling. One participant commented on having difficulty recalling any successful relationship that he admired at all.
Creating a Conscious Intimate Relationship:
- Many partners had done a level of personal growth before entering into relationship.
- They had very clear, defined desires of what they wanted in a partner and the type of relationship.
- They were not willing to settle for “another ill-conceived relationship”
Developed Relationship Model:
- Most partners experienced unresolved conflict and/or disillusionment with other approaches towards relationship.
- One participant reflected that before he gained more self-knowledge, awareness, and development, he was primarily focused on protecting himself in relationship.
- Many participants seem to agree that the notion of an easy, romantic relationship was largely an illusion, and that love and relationship require choice and conscious effort to cultivate and maintain.
- All of the participants experienced doubts, fears, or hardships within their relationships and concluded that facing these challenges brought them to deeper levels of love and intimacy.
Change in Relationship:
- While many couples entered into relationship with an existing personal commitment to growth and spirituality, other couples developed a growth orientation during the course of their relationship.
- Many couples reported that engaging in therapy, meditation, workshops, and readings had a significant effect on their relationship and assisted in the formation of a more growth oriented model of relationship.
- One couple spoke about attending a lecture where they felt a deep connection had been made, and that they now of this as a turning point in their relationship.
- For couples who developed a growth orientation within their relationship, this change was sequential in that one partner changed, and then in turn the other partner began to change their perspective over time
-
Regardless of when partners developed a growth orientation, the process is very similar. Many couples shifted their perspective into a growth perspective by dealing with either personal or relationship difficulties or disillusionment with other models.
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RELATIONSHIP AS A JOURNEY PARADIGM Growth Orientation:
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Partners recognized their relationship as a vehicle for both individual and relationship growth and discovery.
- “Our relationship is a process through which we grow and expand. At our better moments, we use whatever comes forward in our marriage as an opportunity to expand our sense of who we are and deepen our capacity to forgive and love.“
- A growth-oriented relationship was often associated with a sense of richness and aliveness because life events and difficulties were defined as opportunities for learning and transformation.
- Couples viewed their relationship as a laboratory for growth and support “We will use our experiences for us instead of against us. Our goal is to use everything for our advancement, upliftment, and growth.”
- Through relationship, couples had the opportunity to meet the challenges “with skillful softening and slowing down and opening it up and being a little more loving and thoughtful about how it gets navigated”.
- Through staying together and facing challenges, couples reported being better people. Couples also spoke about the process of growth, which helped them expand and open up to a greater capacity of joy, love, and happiness.
“intimate interactions, such as love, connection, passion, and any other desired relational experience is a self created choice that may take various degrees of arduousness to maintain, such as challenging and restructuring aspects of one’s belief system. This differs from a more conventional notion that intimacy, which often is viewed as a passive, uncontrollable, instantaneous romantic emotional exchange or feeling that happens to one’s self, such as those indicated by the common clichés “love at first sight” or “swept off one’s feet.” (p. 103) “
- The majority of participants acknowledged that in the process of their relationship, their unconscious patterns, shadow material, wounding, and deeper conditioning came up.
- Partners reported experiencing challenges, difficulties, and struggles along their journey, but the “friction” always led to growth.
- To realize one’s true self, one had to work with one’s unconscious material, “where all of one’s emotional wounds, fears, and self loathing/rejection reside.”
Relationship as Teacher:
- Partners viewed their relationship as a “workroom” in which healing and growth can take place.
- Couples expressed using their interactions as a source of information to gain insight and understanding about areas of potential growth for themselves.
- Couples claimed to value the instructive potential of conflicts and challenges because they were able to recognize qualities about themselves to which they would not have otherwise had access.
- When a partner is in pain, both partners have the opportunity to work with the issue in a productive and constructive way. As partners confront their shortcomings and pain, there is an opportunity to free themselves of habitual reactions and ultimately deepening the experience of one’s self.
Companions on the Path:
- Partners expressed seeing and believing in each other’s potential, strength, and basic goodness.
- Couples also expressed a confidence in being able to handle life’s hardships together.
- Partners were able to work together as a team and allies within their relationship rather than against each other.
- Couples viewed their relationship as a support base, where they could both empower and support one another along their individual journeys.
- “I’m really for you being you.” I don’t want to stand in your way even if that means I have to learn some difficult things about myself. And I am asking for you to be for me the same way. Even if it is difficult for you or it hurts in some way.
- Couples acknowledged their willingness to learn from one another. partners were able to learn from each other’s strengths and opposite qualities.
CREATING A FOUNDATION OR CONTAINER Commitment:
- Commonly, people have fears about commitment and these fears often result in restriction and loss of freedom, whereas couples in these studies claimed that their commitments offered them a sense of freedom.
- Partners reported feeling more confident and free to explore themselves and their relationship more deeply. They shared feeling empowered to fully express themselves and to be who they truly were without feeling pressured to change.
- Additionally, couples expressed feeling safe to move beyond their fears, and the freedom to take new risks, as well as question and change old patterns and beliefs.
- One coresearcher commented, “I don’t think a lot of people will have that understanding that commitment isn’t something that’s a chain around your neck. That it’s still a very living, breathing thing that has a very strong foundation, that is kind of like the place . . . you soar from.
- Commitments were not considered to be static and unchanging, but that they were dynamic, changing, and evolving.
- Commitments were seen as conscious and continual choices.
Values and Vision:
- Couples had a high degree of shared values together as a couple: having a similar spiritual perspective, truth, openness, and cultivating higher principles together. kindness, compassion, and service to others were priorities. loving, honesty, respect, and responsibility.
- Couples expressed feeling a sense of harmony and joy as a result of being aligned in the most meaningful aspects of life.
- A participant explained that a shared vision offers direction especially during challenging and stressful times helping partners keep a larger perspective.
Willingness and Work:
- Growth and development takes work and the process can be extremely difficult and painful, especially during times of relationship conflict.
- While a strong commitment and relationship container helped hold space for the couple, it was essentially up to each individual to choose to do the work
- The process of growth often involved partners’ confronting their unconscious fear and emotional triggers, which ultimately gave them the opportunity to transform themselves, but this process can be terrifying.
- Oftentimes partners wanted to stay contracted in fear, rejecting the opportunity for joy and expansion because it was too scary.
- This process required a willingness to commit, as well as strength and courage to do the hard work necessary for growth and development of self and relationship.
- Couples talked about the importance of being willing to do whatever it takes, rather than avoiding or running from challenges
participant claimed that it sometimes takes work to have a loving response, and that love is “more than just a feeling. It’s a decision.”
Relationship Container:
- The relationship container was seen as providing the “emotional ‘ground,’ protection, or feeling of safety which might not otherwise have existed.”
- A relationship can then be viewed as a safe place to practice learning new skills, confront challenges, and to allow healing to take place.
- Feelings of safety and trust helped partners feel safe enough to be vulnerable and open their hearts (i.e. “sharing what is of real value to me with my partner, and having a safe place to be open and honest is a true gift”).
- With safety, partners began to build trust.
- To trust is to trust in the “essential goodness” of one’s partner and belief that they would not cause intentional harm and that they care about the growth of their partner.
- A participant talked about safety, in saying“In other relationships, I think I stayed more on the periphery, so I could never really feel the safety or the acceptance to just go in and really connect more deeply in myself. And since to me that’s a prerequisite to being able to open up and connect with anything bigger, it was a necessary step for me in a spiritual sense to be open to any greater force.“
“the relationship deepened as we were really able to trust one another in terms of holding the person’s experience. Now there is no concern. A person steps forward, the other person holds them, and the next person steps forward and the other person holds them. Really just promotes a deepening, being able to be in the relationship unconditionally in your entirety and trusting knowing whatever comes up, even if it may promote some kind of conflict, that the relationship can hold whatever kind of individuation is necessary for each person. (p. 108) “
MENTIONED: * How To Build A Happy, Lasting Love – Webinar (webinar link)
* This 75-Year Harvard Study Found the 1 Secret to Leading a Fulfilling Life By Melanie Curtin
(article)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 100: 3 Building Blocks For A Conscious Intimate Relationship [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST MICHAELA BOEHM Michaela Boehm teaches and counsels internationally as an expert in intimacy and sexuality. She combines her background in psychology and extensive clinical experience with her in-depth training in the yogic arts as a classical Kashmiri Tantric lineage holder into a unique offering of experiential learning. She is passionate about teaching skills that enhance deep intimacy, lasting attraction and give each participant the tools for full embodiment and capacity. Michaela also co-taught with David Deida for 13 years. Michaela teaches workshops & intimacy intensives for men and women as well as offers mentorships and relationship counseling.
In this episode, Michaela Boehm brings a wealth of knowledge and experience, as she talks with us about the importance of working with our inner masculine and feminine energies, so that we can increase our capacity for intimacy, sexual and erotic play and love.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to gain access to the full conversation, points, and examples.)
IMPORTANT POINTS FROM MICHAELA BOEHM: * The importance of engaging with yourself, having intimacy with yourself, and having intimacy with another person, as well as engaging in sensual, erotic, ecstatic play. * Each human being has two aspects or two principles present. One is the “go” or the “doing” principle (masculine). The other is the “flow” or “being” principle (feminine). * Both aspects exist in each person in equal amount because “go without flow” is disastrous and “flow with go” is pretty disastrous too. * People usually have a preference for where they like to reside most either in the masculine (“the go”) or feminine (“the flow”) principle. * Many misunderstandings happen when people mix women with feminine and men with masculine. * The polarity between the masculine and feminine aspects spark sexual tension and attraction. The person with whom you have the most sexual attraction to is the person with whom is most different from you. * The more different somebody is from you, the stronger the spark of attraction will be. * The more similar you are with somebody the better your relationship will be. * If you have a strong attraction in your relationship, but you are in conflict with each other, you want to work on relationship skills. * If you have a strong relationship, but the sexual attraction is not as strong, then you want to use the principles of erotic friction to create the spark. * Whatever you do the most creates the strongest bodily pattern. If you spend 20 years on the go, you are not going to simply soften into a surrendered blob of pleasure. Your body is not conditioned for that. However, this is not the same as not having it. You have it. * You have the capacity for both the masculine and the feminine principles within you. You were born with it. It is your birthright. * You can develop the principle that you have not been in the habit of using as much. * It is also important to destress before practicing some of these protocols.
MENTIONED: * Michaela Boehm (website) * Michaela Boehm’s workshops (workshop webpage) * Michael Boehm’s Sound Cloud (free resources) * How To Build A Happy, Lasting Love – Webinar (webinar link)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 099: How To Work With The Masculine And Feminine Polarity with Michaela Boehm [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
THE CHALLENGE WITH WEDDING VOWS: Wedding vows are beautiful expressions of love. When we go to a wedding, we want to hear about the couple’s love for one another. We are moved by the deeply sentimental proclamations. We are inspired by the power of love, demonstrated through a reading, scripture, poem, original vows or some combination.
However, vows are often aspirational and very hard to follow.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)
Last fall, my husband and I went to a friend’s wedding. They got married on a yacht and had a small ceremony. The groom is someone who I used to take volleyball lessons from and is an amazing teacher and coach. Coach John Wooden has had a huge influence on his teachings, so it was fitting that he incorporated a quote from Wooden:
“Promise to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit trouble to press on you. – John Wooden”
Truthfully, I love these expressions probably more than most people. And I work with couples all the time and see how they do not have practical direction with their commitments. Their vows do not support their practice of loving each other in the every day moments of life.
Not only do vows tend to be more aspirational rather than practical, they tend to be very general and vast.
Most people who have explored how to set and accomplish goals have come across S.M.A.R.T. goals…which stand for Specific. Measurable. Actionable. Realistic. Time-Bound.
Now, I am not suggesting that couples turn their vows into goals. However, I do think it can be extremely helpful for couples to have working agreements and operational commitments.
COMMITMENTS TO GUIDE US: Back in 2006, Reid, my now husband and boyfriend at the time, were taking a short road trip. We were in the car and I remember him asking me what I thought about commitments. I told him that I thought commitments are most powerful and work best when they are seen as self-commitments and guiding principles. Commitments that I hold myself to and work towards. It is my integrity and desire that give me the motivation, rather than the obligation we often think about when we imagine a commitment to someone else.
EMPIRICALLY SUPPORTIVE MARRIAGE VOWS – AN EXAMPLE A couple of years ago, I came across this article “How To Craft An Empirically Supported Marriage, by Melanie Tannenbaum” I saved the article because I loved the example of how practical and scientifically proven ways of loving could be woven into marriage vows.
Granted both partners are psychologists, and they understand “that one of the most challenging tasks in a person’s life is successfully navigating romantic relationships.” They wanted to be mindful and intentional about their commitments and not leave the success of their marriage up to chance.
Here are some of their vows:
“On a daily basis, think about what your spouse does that you value, and verbally express your gratitude. No one is perfect, and focusing on your partner’s shortcomings while overlooking their desirable qualities doesn’t enhance anyone’s enjoyment of the relationship –- not your partner’s, and not your own. So Melanie, when Justin is ready to go to bed a solid three hours before you, let him know that you appreciate how conscientious he’s being. And Justin, when Melanie frenetically dances around the house to Tropi-Pop tunes at 11 PM on a Tuesday, let her know you appreciate her spirit and vim.
However, everyone fights occasionally, and what determines whether couples stay together isn’t whether they fight, but how they fight. When disagreements arise, listen to your partner, acknowledge the role you had in the conflict, focus on specific behaviors rather than criticizing your partner’s personality, and share concerns in a polite, empathetic manner. Respect each other in good times and bad.
It’s also important to create shared positive experiences. Hobbies are a great way to do this, and some are better than others for promoting good relationships. Activities that let you face challenges together as a team are an ideal way to build a stronger bond. As a bonus, exciting activities that increase your heart rate will let you benefit from misattribution of arousal. So, for the sake of your relationship, continue traveling, exploring, mud-running, moving cross-country, and taking risks — as a team.
Although it’s good to do things together, it’s also important to support each other’s personal freedom and autonomy. People enter into relationships because they admire the other individual. Help your partner continue to be that individual by respecting their personal goals and interests. Sometimes that’s as simple as asking questions to show your support. So don’t worry, Justin, there’s no need to sign up for Zumba yourself — but do continue to ask Melanie how it went whenever she comes home from teaching a class.”
If you want to read the article and see their references, you can check it out here.
In my work with couples, I have found it to be so important for the couple to have a shared philosophy, especially about how to handle challenges. Most couples have no idea how to deal with upset and disagreement when it happens.
DRIFTING AWAY FROM EACH OTHER: Unfortunately, we are all familiar with couples “falling out of love” and “drifting part.” The sad reality is that we often expect our love to flourish without investing the time, energy, and effort into the connection.
Recently, I was watching This Is Us, a show on NBC. There was an exchange between two friends. One friend confronted the other about his marriage falling apart. Here is an excerpt (from episode 14 “I Call Marriage”):
“You want to know why my marriage ended Jack? For as long as I can remember, I have woken up at 6:30 every day to make Shelly coffee, splash of milk two sugars. I would make it and bring it to her in bed. She says that he day doesn’t even start until she’s got caffeine in her veins. And then one day, woke up , 6:30, like always, and I made myself one. I just didn’t feel like making Shelly one. And the worst part is she didn’t even notice. We stopped noticing each other, Jack. We stopped trying to make each other happy. When we realized that, we knew it was over. Now, I think that every single couple has a handful of these moments when you reach a crossroads. Just sometime it happens early on, first fight…sometimes it happens ten years in, when you’ve had the same fight about taking out the trash every night for a week. They’re make or break these moments. And you either roll up your sleeves and you fight for what you’ve got or you decide that you’re tired and you give up. And I had one of these moments when I didn’t make Shelly her coffee.”
In an email that I recently got from Dr. Keith Witt, he wrote:
“How to intentionally maintain your marital love affair?” Cultivate “I’ll do what it takes,” commitments to nurture the marital love affair throughout lifecycles. We begin relationships with a “I’ll stay as long as…” commitments, as in, “I’ll stay as long as we love each other,” or “As long as my needs are fulfilled.” If we are successful at taking care of our love for each other, these shift to “I’ll do what it takes.” commitments, where we both resolve to face problems and work through them when issues arise. “I’ll do what it takes,” couples tend to stay together and be more fulfilled. “I’ll do what it takes,” couples are more willing to keep focusing on the marital love affair to keep it satisfying and alive through all the life stages.”
OPERATIONAL COMMITMENTS: What you will do when you are feeling challenged? When you feel distant… resentful…hurt? How will you show up? How will you deal?
Do you know what your operational commitments are in your marriage/relationship? If not, I encourage you to schedule some time to develop them. Maybe for your next anniversary take some time to add some practical and conscious commitments to your marriage vows.
If you feel like you and your partner could use an overhaul in your ways of operating together. Sign-up for the free webinar on March 15th to get some insight into how to cultivate a happier more connected relationship as well as learning about the Connected Couple program.
Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks offer some great input about conscious commitments, in their article titled “Conscious Loving: The Journey To Co-Commitment” (summarizing their book by the same title):
- Commitment 1: I commit myself to full closeness, and to clearing up anything within me that stands in the way.
- Commitment 2: I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual.
- Commitment 3: I commit to revealing myself fully in the relationship, not to concealing myself.
- Commitment 4: I commit myself to the full empowerment of people around me.
- Commitment 5: I commit myself to acting from the awareness that I am 100 percent the source of my reality.
- Commitment 6: I commit myself to having a good time in my close relationships.
Creating and maintaining conscious commitments is an ever evolving process, as you continue to explore and deepen in yourself and your intimacy with your partner.
MENTIONED: * How To Build A Happy, Lasting Love – Webinar (webinar link) * How To Craft An Empirically Supported Marriage, by Melanie Tannenbaum (article) * This Is Us (NBC episode) * ERP 093: How The “Shadow” Influences Our Growth In Life And In Relationship With Dr. Keith Witt (podcast episode) * Conscious Loving: The Journey To Co-Commitment (article) * ERP 066: How to move out of criticism into love & appreciation (podcast episode)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 098: How are your Marriage Vows helping you? [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
WHAT IS THE STORY YOU TELL YOURSELF? The story you tell yourself is so important, and most likely you are reinforcing the story over and over again. It is said that 90% of our thoughts are repetitive and 70% of these thoughts are negative. What does that mean for your story?
Our story shapes our identity, who we are and what we experience. If you listened to last week’s podcast episode, we looked at how our beliefs can have a dramatic affect on our experience. Also, I gave you several examples of things couples typically say.
People commonly have a story with some version of:
- If my partner would only…
- Maybe something is wrong with me…
- Maybe we are not right for each other…
None of these beliefs or stories are particularly helpful.
In last week’s episode, we also contrasted a negative belief and how this plays out with a more neutral belief and what this looks like in action. What a huge difference! Check it out if you missed it.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)
In the article Rewrite Your Life, authors and psychologists talked about the importance of looking at and reframing the stories we hold. They described the powerful impact of creating a different narrative and how this can ultimately change who we are and what we experience.
“One experiment involved students who had shared a group narrative identity along the lines of, “We’re too different from these rich kids—we’ll never catch up, and we’re probably not smart enough anyway.” Researchers showed them seemingly professionally produced videos citing evidence that many kids enter school believing they don’t belong or aren’t smart enough to handle the work—but that after a few months the majority adjust socially, get help from faculty, work diligently, and go on to succeed. Students who watched the videos experienced marked improvements in grades, graduation rates, and self-confidence.
There is nothing magical about the approach, Wilson says.”The idea is to change kids’ idea that intelligence is this fixed thing we have,” he says, and instead help them realize that “achievement is about seeking the right help and overcoming obstacles.” By Susan Gregory Thomas
The same is true for relationship health and functioning. It is not a fixed thing. We can improve our interactions and gain more closeness, happiness, and satisfaction… “with the right help and overcoming obstacles.”
Couples together create a relationship story, which in turn creates their “relationship identity.” How they perceive and experience their relationship. How they deem it…as good, bad, healthy, unhealthy, happy, unhappy, etc.
One of my biggest goals is to help you see relationship challenges as part of the process of developing and see that there are lessons and opportunities available. What would happen if you were to take your energy and put it towards creating a different result, rather going into old story?
Continuing to hold stories like “He will never change. She will never be any different. We will always have these issues. Nothing will improve.” will likely result in little improvement or change.
“If our stories tell us we are resilient, we will be. If they tell us we’re not up to the fight, we likely won’t be.” By Susan Gregory Thomas
Reminds me of the famous Henry Ford quote “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.”
IT IS INCREDIBLY HARD TO CHANGE OUR BELIEFS AND STORY WITHOUT SOME CONSCIOUS EFFORT. Even with support and guidance, couples will tend to resort to their default mode, especially within the early phases of learning. This is largely because we are wired up to protect ourselves. We do not want to get hurt, and our protective mechanisms kick in, as talked about in ERP 095.
This becomes particularly complicated when there has been trauma in the past. When trauma plays a role, stories tend to be ingrained and complex. Thus, it can be very hard to counteract.
Narrative therapy is a common approach to helping people address difficulties in their life, especially with children.
For example, if a child has symptoms of anxiety. Narrative therapy might help the child give anxiety a name, description, and story. This helps the child disidentify from the symptoms of anxiety, and pain. They begin to see “You are more than your pain. You are bigger than your pain. This is happening to you. This is not you.” They may begin to feel their power and choice. They may begin to set limits and boundaries with anxiety, as well as build new skills and strategies to overcome the anxious feelings.
This technique can be useful in couples work. Dr. Susan Johnson does this when she encourages couples to recognize when they are in a disconnect pattern or a “demon dialogue” as she would call it. It is essentially helping the couple recognize the painful dynamic is not their relationship. It is not who they are; it is something they have experienced, AND it does not have to be their story moving forward. It is incredibly inspiring to think you can have a new pattern together. Yes, you have to learn the new pattern, but it is possible and available.
WHAT IF YOU WERE TO LOOK AT YOUR STORY DIFFERENTLY? “My oldest daughter was usually quiet and exhausted on the hour-long ride home from seventh grade. Not this day. She slammed the car door shut and spat that a classmate had been “incredibly rude” to her. She veered into a rant on hypocritical teachers and finally inventoried the despicable qualities of nearly every girl in her class.
I asked her what was really going on, and she answered truthfully: For the past six months, my daughter, who is mixed-race, had been viciously bullied in racist attacks by girls at her Philadelphia school, often in classrooms, while teachers seemingly took no notice.
I pulled over and began calling every teacher and administrator involved. They would hear every detail of my daughter’s story, and then this story was going to end because she needed to know that it was over.
The next morning, as we met with school officials who pressed her for specific names and incidents, I asked them to withdraw so I could talk to my daughter alone for a moment. There she sat, crumpled, shaking, terrified of retribution. But if she did or said nothing, those past few months would stay forever lodged, ruinously, in her psyche. She needed a victory, to feel her own power. So I put it to her: Today, she, an ordinary girl, could decide to be a hero and change the story for every nonwhite student at that school forever. And she did.
Now 15, my oldest is back to her charismatic, hilarious, sparkly self (and we are living in Brooklyn). The experience is melded to her core, and she’s tougher, but also more compassionate. She changed her story.” By Susan Gregory Thomas
WHAT IS THE STORY YOU TELL ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTIES AND CHALLENGES? 1. Write down your story.
2. Identify your negative beliefs (harmful to you, your partner, or your relationship).
3. Rewrite your story without blaming your partner or yourself.
4. Reframe your perspective & look for opportunities.
*5. Give space and include what you want to experience in relationship.
6. Create a new story.
May be helpful to get support.*
“The benefits of rewriting—from improved mood and well-being to boosts in the immune system—have since been demonstrated in dozens of studies, including my own. Rewriting helps you organize your thoughts and feelings and put them into words. This, in turn, helps you gain perspective, sort out your emotions, and increase narrative coherence—your understanding of who you are, how you became that person, and where you are going.” By Sherry Hamby
HOW TO MOVE FORWARD WITH THE NEW STORY? It can be hard to trust the new story. This is especially true when we feel reactive, triggered, and threatened. Again, it can be helpful to get support with this process.
It takes an active participation…rehearsing the new narrative and looking for evidence that supports the new story. “How does my partner demonstrate ______?”
When you run up against conflicting evidence, work to check it out. “Can you help me understand how __(behavior)___ fits into __(new story)___? By doing this, you are working towards supporting the new narrative rather than falling back into the old story.
“We can’t change the past, but we can change how it affects us and who it makes us. When we tweak what we tell ourselves about the past , we can redirect our future. In our relationships, through our life choices, or at our jobs, we can recognize our mistakes, move on, and start to embody a different story.” By Susan Gregory Thomas
“We are the stories we tell.” By Susan Gregory Thomas
MENTIONED: * How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship – Part Two (podcast episode) * Rewrite Your Life (article) * ERP 095: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship (podcast episode) * Hold Me Tight (book)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 097: How to rewrite your relationship story [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Make sure you check out Part One ERP 095: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship, if you missed it. In this episode, you will learn why we can go from anticipating the best about our partners and relationship to anticipating the worst (as a form of protection).
When we are triggered, we are more likely to react and jump to conclusions. Therefore, it is important to slow down. so that we can calm our nervous system and enable our higher level thinking. In turn, this will help us engage in a more progressive and productive process.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)
HOW OUR BELIEFS AFFECT US The field of psychology teaches us that our thoughts, feelings, and physiology are all connected and interrelated. The beliefs we hold affect our thinking, feeling, body, as well as the way we behave and relate. Here is an example:
- Belief: “I am ugly”
- Thought: “No one will ever be interested in me.”
- Emotion: Feeling sad, alone, and depressed.
- Body: Bad posture, turned away, looking down.
- Action: Will not take care of appearance and will not actively engage with others.
- Result: Little positive social feedback, as people will not have much a chance to relate.
POINTS OF CHANGE It is easier to change our thinking and physiology than it is to change our emotions.
- Deepen our breath to calm our nervous system or change our body posture to increase confidence.
- Reframe our thinking to get to a more balanced thought.
OUR NEGATIVE VIEWS When we go through a difficult time, it is natural to try to make sense of the situation. However, if we let our fear, reactivity, and protection mechanisms run the show, then we are at great risk of pathologizing our partners, ourselves, or our relationships.
Here are things we typically say:
- “If he would only communicate with me, we wouldn’t have any problems. He has issues.”
- “If she would just control her anger, we would be fine. She is the problem.”
- “Maybe I am not relationship material.”
- “Maybe I am not meant to be with anyone.”
- “Maybe we were never meant to be.”
- “Who were we kidding? We are such a joke.”
A NEGATIVE BELIEF IN ACTION VS A BALANCED BELIEF IN ACTION Let’s look at one possibility of how a negative beliefs can impact our thinking, feeling, and behaving:
- Belief: “He can’t communicate. If he would only communicate with me, we wouldn’t have any problems.”
- Thinking: “He can’t give me what I need. He has issues. He doesn’t really want to be close. I should have picked someone different.”
- Emotion: Feel hurt. Feel wronged. Feel unhappy. Feel scared. Feel sad and upset. Feel angry. Feel hopeless.
- Body: Either slumped posture and looking down. Or arms crossed, hand on the hip, and piercing eyes.
- Actions: Ask questions with a negative tone of voice. Ask questions expecting there to be no quality reply. Ask leading questions or close-ended questions. Ask questions at inopportune times.
- Result: Further disconnect. Disagreements. Misunderstandings. Upset. Conflict. Negative patterns ensues.
Let’s take the same concern and look at another possibility of what a more balanced belief might look like in action:
- Belief: “Communicating verbally isn’t as easy or natural for him.”
- Thinking: “I wonder what ways he likes to share his experience. When does he open more to me?”
- Emotion: Feeling curious. Feeling interested. Feeling hopeful. Feeling patient and trusting.
- Body: Alert. Leaning towards. Good eye contact. Open posture.
- Actions: Seeking to understand. Trying to help. Treading carefully. Genuinely curious and accepting
- Result: Better communication. More goodwill. Willing to work together. Feeling more connected. Understanding each other more.
ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF A NEGATIVE BELIEF IN ACTION VS A BALANCED BELIEF IN ACTION Let’s look at a Listener’s question: What if my partner isn’t interested in or doesn’t have faith in the process?
An example of a negative belief playing out:
- Belief: “This is stupid.” (working on the relationship…talking, therapy, or coaching)
- Thinking: “I am not going to get anything out of this. This will never work.”
- Emotion: Annoyed. Angry. Frustrated. Resentful.
- Body: Arms folded. Muscles tight. Defensive posture. Closed off. Shut down. Constricted breathing.
- Action: Ready to leave. Looking for an opportunity to get out of the conversation and disengage. Avoid. Blame. Not really listening, and not trying to understand.
- Result: No positive result. No progress. Separation. Divorce.
An example of a balanced belief playing out:
- Belief: “I am not sure if this will work, but I am willing to try.”
- Thinking: “This is uncomfortable. I am not sure what I am suppose to do.”
- Emotion: Uncomfortable. Anxious. Excited. Hopeful. Scared. Vulnerable.
- Body: A little on edge. Working on trying to stay calm. Trying to take a few deep breaths. Posture alert and upright.
- Action: Keeping an open mind. Willing to try.
- Result: Likely, with some good guidance, they will begin to build safety and make progress together.
HOW TO WORK WITH A NEGATIVE BELIEF Unpacking our beliefs, so that we can explore them, look at them, constructively work with them usually takes a process. If you are interested in getting support, please contact me. I would be happy to explore the option of coaching or a program with you.
In the meantime, here are some reflection questions for you to consider (assuming you have calmed down enough, so that you can think and assess a little more clearly):
Pay very close attention to your internal dialogue.
- Check out your thinking. What do you say to yourself? Is what I am thinking really true?
- What might this say about a belief you are holding?
- What are your feelings in this scenario?
- What does your body feel like within the situation?
- What are your behaviors? What action do you take?
- What is the outcome or result?
- How might I be seeing this from the lense of my old experience?
MENTIONED: * ERP 021: How To Feel More Confident In Relationship (podcast episode) * Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are (Ted Talk) * ERP 095: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship (podcast episode)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 096: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship – Part Two [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
In podcast episode 94, “4 Reasons Why Creating Lasting Love Is So Difficult” I offered four reasons why partners will give-up on or break-up a relationship.
Today, we are exploring the mechanisms behind our belief systems in relationship. This will be a two-part series.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)
HOW COME MY PARTNER SEEMS SO DIFFERENT FROM WHEN WE FIRST STARTED DATING? A challenge we are faced with along the path of developing long-term intimacy is learning how to deal with our protective mechanisms. This is an unexpected challenge, as we do not anticipate needing to protect ourselves against our significant other.
During the initial stages of love, we emphasize all the positive qualities of the relationship and connection. In some ways, we imagine how great we are for one another (since we don’t really know).
When the romance settles a bit, we may enter into a deeper level of commitment, and we begin to see our differences emerge. Seeing these differences might be surprising (different from what we imagined) and challenging….especially when we do not know how to deal with conflict well.
This dynamic gets even more confusing and complicated because we have essentially moved from a position of hope and optimism to one of caution and protection.
WHY DO I FEEL SO PROTECTIVE WITH MY PARTNER? If you have listened to my podcast before, you may have heard me talk about the fact that evolutionarily, we are wired up to protect ourselves and to survive. The very primal part of our brain…namely the amygdala let’s us know when there is a threat. This part of the brain has been storing and cataloging all the painful experiences up to date, so that it can be prepared and ready to protect and take care in the event a similar situation should occur again.
This protective systems main goal is to keep you safe. It is quick to respond and does not decipher, discern, or differentiate well. When a threat is detected, our fight, flight, or freeze response kicks into gear. Our brain does not take the time to distinguish between “a bear is chasing us” and “our partner is slighting us.” All threats feel similar within our nervous system, whether it is a physical or an emotional threat.
When we feel threaten in relationship, our early experiences with connection are getting brought up to the surface.
OUR CONNECTION IMPRINT When we enter into a deeper level of commitment through marriage or life partnership, the romantic bond activates a deep part of our being called the attachment system. This attachment system is more or less an early imprint of connection. This imprint of connection reflects how we were cared for or not cared for by our parents/caregivers, as well as how we learned to respond through our thinking, feeling, and physiology.
In a secure connection, we learned to believe that our needs would be met and that the world is a safe place. We felt loved and felt confident about our ability to receive comfort and affection. Our body and nervous system was relaxed, calm, and functioning well.
As babies, we needed our parents/primary caretakers to survive. While we do not need our partners for survival the emotional bond activates the very same system. Our romantic connections hold the same level of intensity, stakes, and vulnerability.
If you are interested in learn more about what insecure attachment looks like, check out this episode or this research paper (wrote many years ago).
PROTECTIVE TRIPWIRE With any level of insecurity, pain, hurt, or injury in the past, your brain has kept very good track of this experience, so that it can protect you in the future.
Yet, this protective mechanism works too well in many cases, as the system responds to any PERCEIVED threat…anything that looks, smells, tastes, sounds, and feels similar to the previous painful experience.
Often, this happens so quickly we aren’t even aware of it until we are already in the flight, flight, or freeze mode.
The benefit of this protective system is that it works hard to keep you safe, and it does a good job. With any sign of threat, you will be on guard. The draw back is there may be many opportunities for false alarms.
In relationship, our interactions are happening so quickly, and we rarely take the time to flush everything out. Deciphering interactions and perceived threats are especially confusing, when we have don’t trust and are cautious with our partner.
HIGHER SKILLS ARE NOT ACCESSIBLE When we feel protective, defensive, and threatened, the more evolved parts of our brain are off-line. All of our energy and resources are going towards getting ready to fight or flee. Therefore, we do not have access to our higher levels of thinking and processing, like regulating emotions, perceiving emotions in others, executive thinking, and decision-making.
EXCERPT FROM “WIRED FOR LOVE” BY STAN TATKIN, PSYD: (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript for the excerpt)
By understanding these protective mechanisms more, we can see how it is possible to move from hope and optimism to caution and defensiveness in relationship. Basically, we go from anticipating the best to anticipating the worst in relationship. Anticipating the worst in your partner or relationship can have grave effects on love and lasting relationship.
Stay tuned for the next episode, as we will explore how this plays out with more specifics and examples.
If you are interested in learning how to manage your reactions and regulate your nervous system, so that you can engage a more progressive and productive process please sign-up for my Connect Couples Program, which will give you step-by-step support and guidance…stay tuned for details.
In the meantime, check out this free ebook “7 Ways Relationships Fail (And what you can do to save yours)”
Instant Access
MENTIONED: * Survey – Empowered Relationship Feedback (survey link) * ERP 052: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast) * Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship (book – amazon link) * Adult Attachment in Romantic Relationship Research paper (opt-in)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 095: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: A while back, I received a question from a listener who was going through an extremely painful time with his wife. One of his greatest pains was she was pulling away, just as he was starting to learn how to be a better partner. He described trying to encourage her to belief in them and believe in their marriage. Yet the harder he tried, the further she would distance from him.
“Having listened to your podcast constantly and really trying to practice what I am learning in therapy I have, in some ways consciously and with effort and in some ways seemingly unconsciously, been changing my behavior/the way I talk, listen, and respond. The problem is that it seems as though I am the only one doing any work/making any effort. My wife will be the first to admit that she avoids confrontation at all costs. Is there something I or our therapist can say/do to help my wife realize that she is going to have to do some things that make her uncomfortable/things she doesn’t necessarily want to do because they are good for the healing of the marriage?”
WE CAN’T CONTROL OUR PARTNER. As much as we would like to at times, we can’t choose how our partner will think, feel, and behave. Trying to fight with them or trying to convince them will probably only make things worse…like getting into the distancer-pursuer dynamic.
THE BEAUTY & THE RISK The beautiful and yet risky reality is we co-create relationship together in relationship. Both people participate in this process. If one person isn’t willing or isn’t interested, then it is almost impossible to move forward in a life-giving and sustainable way.
WILL THEY COME AROUND? Maybe. In my dissertation research, I found that sometimes when one partner started to grow and develop a growth orientation towards relationship, the other would later follow. However, this is not a guarantee. As we all know, the divorce statistics are still very high…50% of marriages end in divorce, and the divorce rate is even higher for second marriages.
Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson have a developmental model of couplehood and they talk about 4 reasons why people get stuck in the process. Partners typically get stuck in the second stage, as they stagnate, break-up, or seek help.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.)
4 REASONS WHY PARTNERS GET STUCK IN RELATIONSHIP: 1. We do not have the emotional strength.
- We don’t have the capacity (tolerance to deal with emotional upset). We label negative emotions as bad. We don’t know how to be with our pain or be with the pain of our partner.
- It feels too hard and we want to quit.
- Substance issues.
- Physical or mental health illness.
Resiliency research. “Ready For Anything” By Steven M. Southwick and Dennis S. Charney: Fast Facts: Armed against adversity:
- Ability to modulate and constructively harness the stress response – a capacity essential to both physical and mental health.
- Success can hinge on resilience. Setbacks are part of any endeavor, and those who react to them productively will make the most progress.
- A personal can boost his or her resilience. Strategies include reinterpreting negative events, enhancing positive emotions, becoming physically fit, accepting challenges, maintaining a close social network and imitating resilient role models.
2. We do not have the awareness and understanding of what is required to develop further.
- We don’t know the skills we need to develop inside ourselves and within the relationship.
- We don’t see our patterns, triggers, and growth work. Check out ERP 093: How The “Shadow” Influences Our Growth In Life And In Relationship With Dr. Keith Witt.
- We don’t know what to expect. Check out ERP 058: Beyond the Wedding. What is Marriage Really Like?
3. We have ineffective ways of dealing with conflict.
- We are scared of conflict.
- Fear of being blamed or shamed.
- Fear of feeling not good enough or not okay.
- Fear of being rejected or abandoned.
- Fear of feeling unsafe (i.e. emotional attacks).
4. We don’t have a model or path of successful relationship. Without a model, it is easy to worry, doubt, and want to quit.
- Good feelings = good relationship
- We don’t have a growth mindset.
- We don’t see what is possible
WHAT YOU CAN DO DIFFERENTLY: * Build emotional strength and resilience. * Build awareness of what is required of you to develop further. * Gain effective ways of dealing with conflict. * Develop a successful relationship model.
Stay tuned…I have been hard at work creating a really great program to give you the support, structure, and guidance to do exactly this!
In the meantime, check out this free ebook “7 Ways Relationships Fail (And what you can do to save yours)”
MENTIONED: * Survey – Empowered Relationship Feedback (survey link) * “Ready For Anything” By Steven M. Southwick and Dennis S. Charney: (article) * ERP 093: How The “Shadow” Influences Our Growth In Life And In Relationship With Dr. Keith Witt (podcast episode) * ERP 058: Beyond the Wedding. What is Marriage Really Like? (podcast episode)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 094: 4 Reasons Why Creating Lasting Love Is So Difficult [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST DR. KEITH WITT Dr. Keith Witt is a Licensed Psychologist, teacher, and author who has lived and worked in Santa Barbara, CA. for over forty years. Dr. Witt is the founder of The School of Love, at www.drkeithwitt.com, where he offers his six Books, his six hour audio class Loving Completely, the School of Love Lecture Series, blogs, Therapist in the Wild webseries, and Integral Conversations audios and videos on health/love/relationship/sexuality/spirituality/development/psychotherapy related topics. He has given three TEDx talks, all available on his website.
In this episode, Dr. Keith Witt talks with us about the “shadow’ and the interface between the known and the unknown (and the shadow and conscious awareness). He also helps us understand how we can increase our awareness, so that we can work with our shadow more constructively to expand our capacity for living and loving.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to gain access to the full conversation, points, and examples.)
SOME OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES AND POINTS BY DR. KEITH WITT: * Our nervous systems are exquisitely tuned to approval and disapproval and exquisitely tuned to being accepted and not accepted. * We actually mark our own develop when we look at how our emotions, feelings, impulses, and judgments change as we grow throughout our lives. They change first at a conscious level, but then they work their way into our unconscious level. Bringing this awareness with acceptance and caring intent to that interface between you and me, between what is known and not known, accelerates development. It accelerates intimacy, if we do it between each other, and it accelerates my own intimacy with myself (my own development), if I do it internally. * You can’t deny instincts. What you have to do with instincts is give them a more progressive form of expression. You can’t push them down. * With couples, when you feel one of those primitive instincts coming up and you can be aware of it, if it is not in shadow and unknown – you can bring it into the light of awareness, then you can give yourself and your partner a better option. Noticing these instincts and giving ourselves a better option is one of the ways that we establish and maintain intimacy. * We make up stories about each other, which could be negative or positive stories. These stories inform our feelings, thoughts, and impulses. Our negative stories tend to be routinely distorted. * Awareness regulates. * Modern couplehood (like marriage) is the most demanding relationship in the world. * Being aware of your facial expression and tone of voice is an incredibly powerful yoga. * Being safe in modern society involves trusting compassionate understanding and being suspicious of any kind of understanding that isn’t compassionate understanding. * We have that capacity for violence, when we feel threatened, and the more we understand it and are aware of it, the more we can transmute that into assertive action rather than aggressive action…into creating love rather than creating divisiveness.
MENTIONED: * Dr. Keith Witt (website) * Shadow Light: Illuminations at the Edge of Darkness (book) * ERP 050: Exploring Love & Consciousness with Dr. Keith Witt (podcast episode) * ERP 078: How To Honor The Darkness (podcast episode)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 093: How the “Shadow” Influences Our Growth In Life And In Relationship with Dr. Keith Witt [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER In this episode, I offer coaching to help a listener explore her struggles with fear, doubt, and old programing as she develops intimacy in relationship.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear the conversation and examples to describe these points.)
5 TIPS FOR DEVELOPING A NEW PATTERN: 1. Recognize your pain point and old pattern, and when you feel triggered (i.e. “I don’t feel like you believe me.” “I work hard to get you to validate my perspective.”).
2. Slow down. Show up for yourself. Make a choice to try something new (i.e. “I am not going to hustle like I am used to doing. I am going to try a new way of dealing with this trigger or pain point.”)
3. Give yourself the support you need to have a new pattern (i.e. “What I am feeling makes sense. It is real and true.”).
4. Accept what your partner has to give in that moment. It may not be what you want, but struggling with them to give you what you want will probably not work. If they are open, you can help them understand you better and they may be able empathize and soften. However, they ultimately have a choice in how they show up for you. (Ideally, you and your partner will want to work together to understand each other better, to help take care of each other, and to relate in ways that feel good to you both. This takes time and process.).
5. Believe in your worthiness, your values, and the type of relationship you desire. You get to choose what you invest your time, energy, and effort into.
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 092: How To Get Unstuck From Old Patterns When Cultivating A Love Relationship [Transcript]
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
FIRST LISTENER’S QUESTION: “I often listen to your podcast and try to learn from it as much as possible. Your podcast has provided me an ample amount of knowledge and made me flexible to various aspects of being in a relationship. Thank you.
I came across a girl on a matrimony website and we have seen each other only 3 times in past 9 months of knowing each other as we stay in different states. The last meet we had was to talk about our trust issues by building our communication skills and whether she still wanted to continue seeing me. It was good for a week after our talk but then she went back to ignoring my texts and phone calls. I understand that she is busy with 3 jobs (1 full-time and 2 part-time including her accounting business) but without getting acknowledged for my texts or calls for days, sometimes weeks or none reply at all; I feel agitated building tension between us. I don’t know how to tackle this situation as I want to give her space but feel that I might lose her if not in frequent touch. Your help is highly appreciated.”
SECOND LISTENER’S QUESTION: “I’m pretty new to your podcasts, but they’re currently helping me through a pretty confusing and difficult time.
I’m in a wonderful relationship with a man whom is everything I would want on paper. I actually wrote out a list of all the character traits I would want in a man a few months before we started dating– he checks off all of them!
The problem is that lately we’ve grown into this odd dynamic that I don’t really know how to explain. This relationship started as the most supportive, loving, healthy relationship that I’ve ever been in. However, lately it feels forced and inauthentic.
We have had a few hiccups with some health problems. We’ve also had some “discussions” (never really arguments) about his friends, who were initially not welcoming to me at all and still make me feel very uncomfortable on most occasions with crass behavior and crude comments about pretty much everything. However, my boyfriend has never engaged in or encouraged this behavior– at least not around me or to my knowledge!
Although we interact very healthily– and if anyone saw us from the outside they would likely say we are the “perfect couple”– there’s this unnameable tension that exists and makes me feel more and more disconnected with him every day.
I’m worried that maybe I chose to be in a relationship with him for the wrong reasons (the logical side of my brain tends to rule my decisions), and now am paying the price.
Before I go , I just want to say thanks for providing a wonderful show that’s helping me to get more in touch with my own feelings and take control of my desires and needs in my relationship.”
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.)
6 WAYS TO DEAL THE TENDENCY TO “TRY HARDER”IN RELATIONSHIP 1. Be aware of compromising yourself and your values.
- It can be easy to justify and rationalize behaviors that don’t work for you (i.e. you are doing or that your partner is doing).
- Think about what is most important to you, and then try to prioritize that value.
- If you undermine yourself or your values, you will likely feel bad about yourself and/or your situation.
- Your integrity is important for the health of your relationship long-term.
- “I love myself more.”
2. Find balance.
- Be careful to not reach too far beyond yourself. You want your partner to meet you.
- You don’t want to convince, persuade, or manipulate them into being with you.
- You want to strive for mutual giving and receiving, as well as reciprocal effort.
- When the balance is off-center, it can lead to weird dynamics and games (i.e. power issues, commitment issues, resentment and hurt feelings).
3. Allow space for your partner to be in.
- Allow your partner to choose you.
- Give your partner room to step towards you.
- You want your partner to want to be with you… to be engaged and invested.
- If you consistently do more of the work, you might not really trust they are with you. You might not believe they will have your back, when you need them.
4. Honor your cues.
- Listen to your inner signs and signals; don’t ignore them.
- You may hear your intuition speak to you. You may notice physical symptoms (i.e. tightness in the throat, clenched stomach, etc.)
- Slow down. Breathe.
- Own your experience.
- If you are not honest, it can lead to withholding and resentment, as well as unhelpful expectations and projections.
- It may be helpful to wonder:
- What do you feel when you are around your partner?
- Are you scared? Feeling pressure? Feeling anxious?
- Are you afraid of getting rejected? Not being good enough?
- What do you do when these feelings come up for you?
- Acknowledging your experience will help you see more clearly.
5. Be honest about what your partner is showing you and telling you.
- Yes, we project on our partners. We have a story about them. Be careful to not hold to your story more than being open to what your partner is showing you.
- What does your partner show you over and over again?
- It is easy to want to believe in potential, but be sure to reality check with what you are actually experiencing.
- Listen to what they tell you.
- Mixed messages. “He is just not that into you.”
6. Trust in yourself, trust in life.
- Believe in your worthiness and goodness.
- Know that you are capable of love.
- Believe in the possibility of relationship and that it is available for you.
- Listen to the inner wisdom that tells you “You are more than your current circumstance.”
- Yes, your fear will come up. Your patterns will come up, but turn your focus and attention to your belief in yourself and in life. You have an inner knowing and inner guidance.
- You are worthy.
- Trust.
“So now I know what I have to do. I have to keep breathing. And tomorrow the sun will rise, and who knows what the tide will bring in.” – William Broyles Jr., Cast Away
One step:
If you are caught in a pattern of “trying too hard,” can you practice one of these tips? Which one will it be? Please let me a comment below. I would love to hear about it.
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 091: Is “trying harder” the best option in relationship? [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LOVE LANGUAGES To learn more about Love Languages; a description of each Love Language, and how to determine you and your partner’s Love Language, check out the first part of this conversation on ERP 089.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.)
CAN YOUR LOVE LANGUAGES CHANGE? Depending on your life circumstances, you may become more attracted to a different love language, and your love language may change. For example, let’s say your love language has been “words of affirmation.” Then, you become a new parent, and your desire for “acts of service” grows, thus making your new primary love language “acts of service.”
Another example of a love language changing would be a husband looses his job and is feeling a lack of confidence and is feeling insecure. During this time, he may value “words of affirmation” more than his previous love language of “physical touch.”
CRITICISMS OF THE LOVE LANGUAGES There are a few criticisms of the Love Language theory. Here are a few:
- They are too general and vague, and it doesn’t account for the psychology and complexities at play.
- The love languages are not based in academic or research-based findings.
- Gary Chapman is a Christian counselor and he brings his theology into the later portions of his book, which may be off-putting for some people.
- The Love Languages can be used to justify codependent tendencies. For example, you need your partner to provide love in a particular way and you view your partner as your only source of love. Another challenging dynamic is that of keeping tabs; “I’ll scratch your back, if you scratch mine.” In this case, partner’s give with strings attached or with an expectation of reciprocation.
The love languages can be a great tool to help you express love and care to your partner. If you truly understand their position and experience, then you will be more likely to want to help and support them to feel loved.
HOW LOVE LANGUAGES CAN BE USED TO CREATE A POSITIVE CYCLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP * Giving and receiving love and affection in ways that matter most (ways that resonate deeply and authentically) will help nurture and strengthen your connection with your partner. * Love languages can be used to lift each other up, especially when delivered with a positive attitude. * Using your partner’s love language will help build a spirit of generosity within your relationship. * Within a positive cycle, you and your partner will be more motivated to continuously help each other. * You can communicate explicitly. For example, “I am wanting to help you feel cared about and special. Here is one way I am thinking about doing this… Would that work for you?” * When you give even just a little in the way of your partner’s love language, it will go a long way for them.
HOW LOVE LANGUAGES CONTRIBUTE TO NEGATIVE CYCLES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP * When partner’s lack of awareness, understanding or interest in the love languages, it can lead to miscommunications and misunderstandings. * When love is not communicated (felt or received in a relationship), individuals can feel hurt, angry, and resentful. * Love languages can be used to tear someone down (see examples below). * Partner’s can unknowingly criticize each other’s love language, which can be even more painful (i.e. gifts are just materialistic). * When partner’s experiences a lack of love in their language, or a rejection of their love language, they will often feel unimportant, unworthy, and unloved,
Here are some examples:
Words of affirmation:
Harsh words or tone of voice can be particular painful for someone with this love language. Just as positive words will lift your partner up, negative comments will tear them down.
Physical touch:
Going long periods of time without physical connection could lead your partner to feeling unloved and discouraged. If you do not make any effort to reach out to touch them, they may feel hurt and unimportant to you.
Inappropriate or hurtful touch, like poking, prodding in a antagonizing way will be more upsetting for someone with this love language.
Act of Service:
Not following through with something you said you were going to do will result to feelings of hurt, disappointment, and upset. They will most likely feel as though you don’t really care when it comes down to it, especially when they hear words and see no action.
Quality time:
When one partner is frequently distracted or preoccupied, their partner can feel as though they don’t matter. They may have thoughts like “their phone is more important than I am. Or cleaning the house is more of a priority than I am.”
In times of distress, ignoring or stonewalling can be immensely painful for someone with this love language.
Gifts:
Overlooking gifts and thinking they are unimportant will often lead to feelings of hurt, upset, and pain for your partner. They may conclude that you don’t care or that you didn’t consider them.
USING LOVE LANGUAGES FOR THE HOLIDAYS Expectations:
It is important to have honest conversations about expectations and hopes for the holidays, especially with consideration to love languages.
Typically, partners will go to great efforts to show love and affection to their partner and then feel let down when their partner doesn’t appreciate their gift. When dynamics are already strained, this disappointment can lead to resentment, unhappiness, and discouragement.
Talking about your expectations can help prevent hurt, tension, and conflict during the holidays.
Awareness:
Each person is going to come into the relationship with different family traditions. It can be helpful to talk about ahead of time what traditions you want to do together.
Which ones do you want to keep, which ones do you want to let go and what new ones do you want to create together?
Intention:
Many couples are so busy with the additional events and ways of giving that they will lose connection with their normal ways of bonding. In this climate, couples can feel lonely and disconnected.
It is important to attend to the priority of your relationship. Can you do more together, rather than doing things separately? Or during a family event, can you take a moment to pay special attention to each other?
(Be sure to listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear gift ideas for each love language.)
An invitation:
Do one thing in your partner’s primary love language. For an added bonus you could try a 7 day challenge. Maybe you make a conscious effort to touch your partner everyday or tell them something you appreciate about them. Or bring them a small gift to let them know you have been thinking about them. Let me know how it goes.
MENTIONED: * The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman (book) * Love Language Quiz (website) * The Sex Starved Marriage – TED Talk
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 090: How To Use Love Languages To Strengthen Connection – Part Two [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please
consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
WHAT ARE LOVE LANGUAGES?: Love languages are a tool to help us understand how we each give and receive love differently. This is particularly important to know if you are in a long-term intimate relationship because, most likely, you and your partner have different primary love languages. Which means you and your partner could be trying to express love to one another, but could be completely missing each other. This can be extremely frustrating and lead to feelings of disappointment, loneliness, and disconnect.
The love languages give us 5 basic categories of how love is generally expressed and received (felt). If you want to communicate your love with your partner, it will be helpful to know what language they typically use. Similarly, if you want to feel loved by your partner, it will be important to know what matters most to you (i.e. what ways help you feel loved).
In 1996, Gary Chapman wrote “The Five Love Languages.” Since then, his categorization of love has been highly recognized in popular self-help literature. He has written several additions helping people apply the 5 Love Languages to other relationships (i.e. parenting and professional relationship, etc.).
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.)
WHAT ARE THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES?: 1. Words of Affirmation:
Words are used to express love, care, and regard. People with this primary love language are deeply moved by statements of affection, acknowledgment, and encouragement. They want to hear you say you love them, or what they mean to you.
Examples:
- “You look great!”
- “I love how you make me laugh.“
- “You mean the world to me.”
2. Physical Touch:
Physical affection is used to display love, appreciation, and meaning. For people with this primary love language, physical, appropriate touch is a powerful way to feel and communicate love. It is almost as if touching is a way to transmit love.
Examples:
- Touching each other when you leave the house and again when you return with a hug or kiss.
- Snuggling or sitting close while watching a movie.
- Touch on the back or arm, when walking by.
- Love making.
3. Acts of Service:
Acts of service are any actions done with someone in mind. Most often they are service-oriented actions intended to support or help, so that their partner may feel cared for, thought about, and loved. People with this primary love language often feel that “actions speak louder than words.” Words and gestures will not help them feel loved, if there is no action to support the sentiment.
Examples:
- Cooking a meal.
- Taking care of chore (i.e. cleaning up the house, getting the car serviced and cleaned).
- Running an errand (i.e. picking up the dry cleaning).
- Taking action on a project.
4. Quality Time:
Giving someone your undivided attention, focus, and presence demonstrates how much they matter, how special they are to you, and how much you love and care for them. People with this love language feel loved, cared for, and important when prioritized in your schedule to receive valuable quality time with you.
Examples:
- Schedule time to be together.
- Minimizing distractions (i.e. tv. Phones, tablets, computers, etc.).
- Attending to one another in an activity that allows you to focus on the other person.
- Sharing a meal together.
- Doing an activity together.
5. Gifts:
Tangible objects are used as symbols of love, affection, and regard. Physical representation of I am thinking about you and I love you. People with this primary love language feel especially loved and cared about because of the thought and effort that goes into the gift. It is not about the money spent. It is about the attitude involved.
Examples:
- Framed photo.
- Personalized memento.
- Picked up your favorite drink.
- Bought something that I think you would like (i.e. pleasure item, luxury item, need item, or fun item).
HOW TO DETERMINE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER’S LOVE LANGUAGE: Typically, people have a top one or two love language. The highest ranking love language is the number one way people feel loved, cared for, and valued.
Usually, the thing we give most often indicates our primary love language.
Notice in yourself:
- What do you typically give to your partner?
- What is most natural and easiest way to give love?
- When you think about expressing love to your partner, what is the first thing you think about?
- Think about what is more important to you by comparing the love languages together. For example, would you feel more loved and cared about if someone went out of their way to buy you a nice gift or if they spent ample time with you giving you their attention and warmth?
Observe in your Partner:
- What does your partner typically give to you?
- How do they express care, regard, and love to others?
- What do they complain about not getting in relationship with you or others?
- What do they request the most?
SIGNS THAT YOUR PARTNER SPEAKS THIS LOVE LANGUAGE: 1. Words of Affirmation:
They are good at expressing their feelings and how much you mean to them. They may describe in detail what they appreciate about you and explain all the reasons why they love you. They might leave you voice messages throughout the day, write you cards and give you poems. They will also be moved by receiving a nice compliment or written acknowledgment.
2. Physical Touch:
They tend to initiate physical contact and closeness. They will want to hug you hello and hug you goodbye. They will touch you when they talk and want to sit close while watching a program. While walking down the street they may want to link arms, hold hands, or walk hip to hip. They may relax and feel happiest within your embrace.
3. Acts of Service:
They tend to put a lot of effort into doing things for you. They will want to help out, lighten your load, and take things off your plate. If you talk about something that needs to get done, they will often volunteer or may take the initiative to do it for you without your asking them. They will think about you and how they can help. When someone goes out of their way to do something nice for them, they will feel extra special and feel that they were worth the effort.
4. Quality Time:
They tend to be very present when hanging out. They give you good eye-contact and are very good listeners. They will see the time together as special and protect the quality of connection, by keeping distractions to a minimum. They rarely multitask when spending time together and will typically prefer one-on-one time opposed to group gatherings. When someone drops what they are doing to be available, they feel important, cared for, and like they really matter.
5. Gifts:
They tend to give a lot of little gifts…framed photos, trinkets, and mementos. They may be sentimental about objects that represent a shared experience or family history (i.e. a shell found on the beach together). They may collect things or appreciate high-quality items. They will buy gifts to celebrate life events and milestones. When receiving a thoughtful gift, they will feel especially cared for and may cherish the gift as a symbol of love.
Take the Love Language quiz.
MENTIONED: * The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman (book) * Love Language Quiz (website) * ERP 011: How Technology Impacts Our Relationships (podcast) * The Sex Starved Marriage – TED Talk
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 089: How to use Love Languages to strengthen connection [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please
consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
HOLIDAY, DREAD, AND BLUES The season for “holiday cheer” can also be a season for stress, anxiety and angst. We tend to put a lot of expectations on ourselves and it can be difficult to manage these at times. Managing our stress and expectations can especially difficult when we are feeling down, lonely, or challenged.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.)
Here are some things that contribute to the holiday stress and blues:
- Unrealistic expectations of self (i.e. amount of time you have to give).
- Unrealistic expectations of others (i.e. quality, loving family time).
- Comparing yourself to others and feeling inadequate.
- Previous painful memories associated with the holidays.
- Recent loss of a loved one or hardship (i.e. loss of job).
- Denying feelings of loneliness, grief, or anger.
- Isolating or feeling not good enough to share in festivities.
- Being away from family and friends (i.e. unable to travel).
- Evaluating your life negatively (i.e. not meeting certain goals, disappointments from the year).
- Challenges with difficult family dynamics.
When people feel stressed, they often resort to bad habits, such as drinking too much alcohol or caffeine, eating too much, eating unhealthy foods, spending too much, not getting enough exercise, and not getting adequate sleep.
5 WAYS TO COPE WITH HOLIDAY STRESS, DREAD, AND BLUES 1. Slow Down
- Breath and get centered in the moment. Your life is happening now, not tomorrow or two weeks from now. If you are preoccupied with the past or the future, then you are disconnected from life and all that is available to you.
- Shut out the noise (i.e. limit exposure to advertisements). Have discernment about what you let into your world (i.e. frenetic shopping mall).
- Don’t overbook yourself. Say “no” to an invitation if it feels like it will be too much. It may hurt a little to disappointment someone you care about.
- Set your own pace. You get to decide how fast or slow you move through your day. Prioritize your well-being.
2. Connect
- Acknowledge your feelings and connect with yourself first. Be real about what you are feeling, what you need, and what you desire. If you are feeling sadness or grief about a recent loss, it is okay to take time to cry and be sad. Honor what is true for you.
- Reach out to others. Even if you feel lonely or isolated, find opportunities to be social and/or join in community. Even if you do not feel up for it, you may get a lot of value from connecting with others and feeling companionship.
- Look for moments to be present with another person. It is surprising how looking at someone in the eyes and giving them a smile can brighten your day.
- Get involved with a good cause and volunteer your time or talent. Making a difference in someone’s life can be a great way to lift your spirits. Also, you may build some new connections and friendships by volunteering.
- Practice acceptance with difficult family members. You may wish circumstances where different, you may wish a family member was different, or you may wish your relationship was better, but can you accept things the way they are for the moment. You may receive a great sense of grace in accepting someone or something, even if it is not what you would like or prefer.
- Connection is not always in the beauty and joy; it is often in the pain and vulnerability as well.
3. Be You & Do You
- Be honest and real. You do not have to live up to some ideal or perfectionist expectation. You may be in a different phase in life, where the traditional holiday festivities don’t resonate or appeal to you.
- Do what you would love. Give yourself the freedom to do what feels good and meaningful to you.
- Do something different from what you have done in the past. Change it up. Create a new family tradition or try something new this year (i.e. “Gifts from the heart,” share photos and videos with family).
4. Take Care
- Be gentle with yourself. It can be easy to focus on your imperfections and mistakes, as you want to be at your best this time of year. However, thinking negatively about yourself will only bring you down. Try to offer understanding and encouragement to yourself. You will feel better and make better decisions.
- Cut out activities that drain you (i.e. turn on music instead of watching TV).
- Plan ahead and give yourself a budget and a schedule you can stick to.
- Make a point to schedule quality time with someone who adds to your life in a positive way.
- Get out and play. Laugh. Try to do something that brings you joy.
5. Take a breather.
- Take breaks throughout the day to clear your mind and reconnect with yourself. You will feel more refreshed and centered as you accomplish your tasks.
- Build in time for restoration and relaxation. This will help you combat the cumulative effect of stress.
- Be mindful and intentional about incorporating above tips (i.e. slow down, connect, be you and do you, take care).
- You can choose how you move through this season. Care for yourself and prioritize your health and well-being.
MENTIONED: * ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship (podcast) * ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part Two (podcast) * Stress, depression and the holidays: Tips for coping (article) * Managing Holiday Stress (article)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 088: How To Cope with Holiday Stress, Dread, and Blues [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please
consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTION “I sought out your podcast a few days ago and have found it very helpful for the difficult situation my relationship is currently in. My partner lost his job a couple months ago due to downsizing at his company. Since then he’s also lost a lot of confidence, reignited many insecurities, become extremely negative about everything related to job searching, been unmotivated. Meanwhile, I work hard 40 hours a week so it’s really hard for me to remain positive and supportive. I would love to hear an episode that could speak to this.“
If you missed part one to this conversation, please check out episode ERP 086.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.)
HERE ARE 6 (OF 8) TIPS ON HOW TO HANDLE THE STRESS, SUPPORT YOUR PARTNER, AND SUPPORT YOURSELF THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT TIME: 3. CREATE A PLAN * As soon as possible, sit down together and look at your budget. * Be honest about what the loss of the income will mean for your family. * Look at where you can scale back for the moment (i.e. cleaning service, laundry service, personal trainer, massage, dining out funds, premium TV, etc.). * Develop a plan together. Working together will help prevent uncertainty, assumptions, and expectations. Having a plan together could offer a sense of support and closeness as a couple. * Re-evaluate your family responsibilities. * Check out these two podcast episodes ERP 063: How To keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) & ERP 064: How To keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part 2
- OFFER SUPPORT: * Check out this podcast episode ERP 003: 6 Ways To Be Supportive (When Your Partner Wants Your Attention)
-
Some of the common ways to offer support are; Listening, Empathy, Encouragement, Challenge, Feedback, and Physical presence.
-
ATTEND TO YOUR NEEDS: * Notice how you feel towards your partner.
- Ask for what you need. Share with him.
- Let him support you. Let him show up for you.
- Don’t make it all about him.
- Set limits and boundaries for yourself.
- Take time to fill your own cup (i.e. time with friends, exercise, etc.).
-
Check out this podcast episode ERP 083: How Vibrant Community Helps Support Healthy Relationship With Christiane Pelmas.
-
RECRUIT OUTSIDE SUPPORT: * Even though it may be vulnerable to connect with friends and family at this time, let them offer support in ways that they can.
- Utilize local groups.
- Hire a professional (i.e. coach, therapist, etc).
-
Get into nature.
-
GET CREATIVE: * Look for activities that do not cost money, so that you will have ideas to pull from when you want to do something together.
- Host a potluck one evening. Go on a bike ride or a hike.
- Many big-city zoos and museums have occasional “free” days.
- Give each other foot or neck massages.
- Search online for no-cost date ideas.
- Make time for each other that is nurturing and loving.
-
Volunteer together.
-
HAVE AN ABUNDANCE MINDSET: * Focus on what you do have instead of what you do not have.
- Take about highlights from the day or week.
- Share gratitudes.
- Find things to appreciate about one another.
- Focus your attention on to the present moment.
- Use your breath as an abundance exercise.
“A proactive and positive mindset will differentiate you from the masses, making all the difference in how “lucky” you get in an unlucky economy. It will even determine whether you one day look back on this time with some measure of gratitude for what you gained from it—whether it was the chance to re-evaluate your life, spend extra time with your family, teach your kids about budgeting, or to simply re-affirm what matters most.” By Margie Warrell From “Bouncing Back from Job Loss: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Job Hunters”
MENTIONED: * ERP 063: How To keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) (podcast) * ERP 064: How To keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part 2 (podcast) * ERP 083: How Vibrant Community Helps Support Healthy Relationship With Christiane Pelmas. (podcast) * ERP 003: 6 Ways To Be Supportive (When Your Partner Wants Your Attention) * “Bouncing Back from Job Loss: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Job Hunters” By Margie Warrell (article)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please
consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTION “I sought out your podcast a few days ago and have found it very helpful for the difficult situation my relationship is currently in. My partner lost his job a couple months ago due to downsizing at his company. Since then he’s also lost a lot of confidence, reignited many insecurities, become extremely negative about everything related to job searching, been unmotivated. Meanwhile, I work hard 40 hours a week so it’s really hard for me to remain positive and supportive. I would love to hear an episode that could speak to this.“
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.)
Getting laid off or let go from a job can be an extremely upsetting event.
HERE ARE SOME THINGS TO CONSIDER AS YOU NAVIGATE THIS CHALLENGING TIME: EGO BLOW: Losing a job can:
- Shake one’s identity and self-definition. Who am I?
- Put one’s self-worth into question. What is my value?
- Trigger old feelings of inadequacy and insecurities.
- “”At this point, I’m so terrified of rejection, I don’t know how to go back out there and try again.” As a multitasking, very verbal woman, I often inundate Dan with ideas of thisses or thats—the things he could do to get a job. And I frequently get silence in return. I’ve come to realize, finally, that it’s not that he doesn’t want to try my ideas. Instead, the problem is that Dan’s wound is deep enough that it might take awhile to heal.” By Caitlin Shetterly From “6 Things Your Unemployed Husband Might Never Say Out Loud”
UPSET & LOSS: * Often, there is a natural grieving period (i.e. shock, resentment, sadness). * People’s process will range from a few weeks to several months. * Losing a job can put serious mental and emotional strain on someone (i.e. depressive symptoms). * People can feel embarrassed, ashamed, and humiliated, especially when facing loved ones, family, and friends. * Losing a job may bring up feelings of failure, vulnerability, and anxiety, * ““I love you; I just don’t love myself that much right now.” Your husband might be telling you this already. Only it might come out like, “May I make you a sandwich to take to work with you?”” By Caitlin Shetterly From “6 Things Your Unemployed Husband Might Never Say Out Loud”
INCREASE OF STRESS: * Stress is real. It is important to pay attention to the stress impact. * When one person is going through a really difficult time, it often puts stress on the relationship. * Stress can magnify or amplify relationship tensions or issues. * Check out these two podcast episodes on the impact of stress. ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship & ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part Two
“But whether the reason you lost your job has everything to do with your perceived performance, or absolutely nothing, it’s how you respond in the wake of it that will set you apart from others when it comes to finding a new job.” By Margie Warrell From “Bouncing Back from Job Loss: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Job Hunters”
HERE ARE 2 (OF 8) TIPS ON HOW TO HANDLE THE STRESS, SUPPORT YOUR PARTNER, AND SUPPORT YOURSELF THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT TIME: 1. LISTEN * Be silent with him. * Allow him to talk and “empty the cup.” If you give him time, space, and interest, he will reveal more. * Be patient. * Empathize, if you can. Feel with him. * Even when communication is hard, it is important to keep the lines open.
2 BELIEVE: * Don’t buy into his negative story. * See his strengths, resources, and capabilities, even if he can’t. * Encourage him when the time is right. * Attempt to have a balance between validating and hearing him (and the hardship) and believing in him (he can get through this). * One of the hardest things to do is to believe in the process when it looks like a mess. * Recognize the negative basis.
MENTIONED: * ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship (podcast) * ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part Two * “Bouncing Back from Job Loss: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Job Hunters” By Margie Warrell (article) * “6 Things Your Unemployed Husband Might Never Say Out Loud” By Caitlin Shetterly (article)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 086: How To Handle The Stress From Your Partner’s Lost Job – Part One [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please
consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: “After searching the web for answers and finding nothing closely related to the situation at hand in our family, I thought perhaps you could provide some great insight on the issue.
I have four adult children, one son (32), 3 daughters (26, 25, 25). The issue is the following and involves only my daughters and their boyfriends;
Ever since my daughters have begun dating as young adult women, their relationships have become so complex and sometimes broken with the added element of having boyfriends in the picture. What happens is that the boyfriends tend to get involved in sister to sister conversations, events, disagreements, and it compounds the issue and affects the whole family dynamic, especially affects their sister to sister relationship, trust, and loyalty. When the girls were little or even teenagers, they were protective of each other, took care of each other, and had a lot of fun family times. Now, with the boyfriends in the picture, it is seemingly tearing their relationships apart with distrust and disrespect and creating distance between them as sisters.
My girls sometimes come to me individually with complaints and ask for my opinion/ insight but as hard as I try to be impartial and objective, my input has not been fruitful. I am hoping you could provide some suggestions.
As a Latino family, we tend to be very tight-knit versus individualistic. My daughters’ boyfriends are Caucasian AND their families tend to be more individualistic, where their family involvement in the relationship has not been that much of an issue. Not sure if the cultural element is actually that significant or not, just thought I would mention it.
It is hard for me to believe that I could not find any information on this topic on the web as I don’t think this dynamic is highly unusual. I am hoping that you can provide some suggestions on this topic as I highly respect the wise and insightful advice that you offer on your podcasts.
Please help!
Thank you,
Concerned mother”
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.)
Given the recent U.S. presidential election, I find it so interesting that this topic was scheduled for today. It is fair to say, Americans are pretty divided and feeling a whole range of emotions this week. Cultural differences affect us nationally, globally, and personally.
HERE ARE SOME TIPS TO NAVIGATE CULTURAL DIFFERENCES MORE SKILLFULLY: 1. EVALUATE THE APPROACH * Sometimes, we need to evolve our systems. This happens when we need to incorporate new factors or the old system is no longer working. * One of the benefits of tradition is that it provides a sense of structure, stability, and consistency. * Differences or diversity often provide more dimension and fullness, yet it can take more intention and collaboration to work through the complexities to get there. * It can be helpful to evaluate what is currently working about the approach, and what is currently not working. * This evaluation and openness to questioning can bring up a lot of emotion (i.e. grief, fear of the unknown, etc.). * More diversity can be stressful. In Dana I. Nixon’s paper, “The Relationship Experience of Latina/o-White Couples,” she discusses how interenthic couples endure more stress due to the of lack of family and social support. She also notes how interenthic couples have to explain and justify their reasons for wanting to be together, whereas monoethnic couples do not. * When the traditional path does not work anymore, it requires us to take more ownership of a new path.
-
ENGAGE IN COLLABORATION Intention:
-
Before engaging and addressing differences with loved ones, it is super important to be clear on your intention.
- Are you coming from a place of love and wanting to cultivate connection or are you wanting to be right, by trying to influence, convince, and persuade?
- Are you interested in understanding their perspective? Are you curious about their thinking, feelings, and experience?
- Do you truly respect and honor their position? Are you willing to see value in their approach?
- Are you open to being patient, understanding that the process make take more time than you would like?
Understanding:
- Human developmental stages. Young adulthood is the stage of “intimacy versus isolation.”
- Differentiation is a normal and important part of coming into adulthood (i.e. seeing yourself as different than your parents).
- Racial identity development:
Ferdman and Gallegos Model of Latino Identity Development
*1. White Identified – Individuals identify as white and the view, values and beliefs as such - Undifferentiated/denial – Individuals claim a color-blind mentality and race is not important
- Latino as other – Individuals who hold no stake in a subgroup, often cause by the uncertainty of his or her heritage
- Subgroup-Indentified – Individuals have strong identification with specific subgroup within the Latino culture, belief that all other subgroups are subordinate
- Latino-Identified –Individuals believe race is fluid and society is a dualistic construction of race.
- Latino- Integrated –Individuals understands our society in terms of race and identified with the larger Latino community
Helms’ White Racial Identity Development Model - Contact Status–oblivious to and unaware of racism
- Disintegration Status–conflicted over irresolvable racial moral dilemmas
- Reintegration Status–regression to White superiority and minority inferiority
- Pseudoindependence Status–painful or insightful encounter or event that jars the person from the reintegration status
- Immerion/emersion Status–an increasing willingness to confront one’s own biases
- Autonomy Status–values diversity, is no longer fearful, intimidated, or uncomfortable with discussions of race, and is active in seeking interracial experiences.*
- How is their overall health? Are they thriving in their life (i.e. career, friendships, physical health, emotional health – seem happy)?
Dialogue:
- With good intentions and desire to understand, you will be in a much better position to engage in a productive and collaborative dialogue.
- You may want to meet with them each individually to learn more about their perspective on the issues.
- You may want to meet with all three of your daughters to discuss how you all can work together to support each other.
- If all is going well and the commitment is there, you may want to have a meeting with your daughters and their respective partners.
Support:
- It can be helpful to ask how each person wants to be supported.
- Each couple will have different boundaries and ways they want to engage in the larger family.
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How can everyone support the larger extended family?
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CREATE A NEW APPROACH Values:
-
Family vs independence
- Gender roles
- Power
- Role of extended family
Developing a couple culture & Identity:
- “Sharing cultures is viewed as having a culture that the couple has co-constructed, which becomes part of the everyday life of the couple. For example, an individual teaches their partner how to cook a traditional dish from their home country, now that dish becomes part of their tradition and co-constructed culture and no longer belongs to one partner (Nixon, 2015).”
- “Think of themselves as coming from different backgrounds, as all couples do, that merged together in a positive way (Nixon, 2015).”
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Coping strategies. “Bustamante and colleagues (2011) find that there are several coping strategies that interethnic couples use to deal with stressors relating to culture. These include: gender role flexibility, humor, taking the cultural perspective of one’s spouse, recognizing similarities, developing a combined culture, and having an overall appreciation for other cultures (Nixon, 2015).”
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BELIEVE IN A GOOD * Transformation often comes through challenge, struggle, and learning.
- There is opportunity.
- One of the hardest things to do is to believe in the process even though everything looks and feels like a mess.
MENTIONED: * The Relationship Experience of Latina/o-White Couples by Dana I. Nixon (research article) * Culture and Family Dynamics by Marcia Carteret, M. Ed. (article) * Ferdman and Gallegos Model of Latino Identity Development by Kathleen Covington (article) * Helms’ White Racial Identity Development Model (article) * Racial Identity Development (resource page)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 085: How To Deal With Cultural Issues In Relationship [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please
consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
.
LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER In this episode, I offer live coaching to help a listener explore her struggles with developing the type of relationship that she ultimately desires. We talk about self-doubt, fear of intimacy, and relationship dreams.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear the conversation and examples to describe these points.)
5 TIPS FOR DEVELOPING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP FIT: 1. Know what is important to you.
2. Honor and trust your values, needs, and desires.
3. Identify when the relationship fit is not working.
4. Be in the experience and practice of creating safety and engagement with your partner.
5. Look at your own capacity for intimacy.
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 084: Relationship Dynamics Not Working, “Is it me or is it you?”
ERP 084: RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS NOT WORKING, “IS IT ME OR IS IT YOU?” By Dr. Jessica HigginsPosted in - Podcast0 Comments
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LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER In this episode, I offer live coaching to help a listener explore her struggles with developing the type of relationship that she ultimately desires. We talk about self-doubt, fear of intimacy, and relationship dreams.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear the conversation and examples to describe these points.)
5 TIPS FOR DEVELOPING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP FIT: 1. Know what is important to you.
2. Honor and trust your values, needs, and desires.
3. Identify when the relationship fit is not working.
4. Be in the experience and practice of creating safety and engagement with your partner.
5. Look at your own capacity for intimacy.
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 084: Relationship Dynamics Not Working, “Is it me or is it you?”
Thank you!
I would so appreciate your honest rating and review!! Please leave a review by clicking here.
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST: CHRISTIANE PELMAS Christiane Pelmas has been in private practice as a psychotherapist since 1993.
While most concerned with the connection between the human soul and the soul of The World, as inspired by the likes of Carl Jung, Marion Woodman, James Hillman and Clarissa Pinkola Estes, her work includes theory and practice from Ecopsychology, Somatics and Wilderness Therapy.
She works with couples and individuals at key threshold crossings, and enjoys the initiations which accompany acute life moments.
KEY POINTS TO CONSIDER: * What you are expecting from your partner and your relationship? Do you want your partner and relationship to fulfill your every need? * There is so much pressure on couples to “do it all” within their nuclear family. It is almost impossible to expect the dyad to be and do everything alone (i.e. two careers, child rearing, house holding, wealth building, mind-blowing sex, etc.). * With the stress and expectations on our relationships to fulfilling our every need, we tend to blame and point the finger at our partner when we get let down or disappointed. * When we are in a vibrant community (an active, truth-telling community of women and men) we ask less unrealistic things from our intimate partners. * Just the right amount of unknown and just the right amount of uncertainty, within a foundation of security and mutual well-being, is necessary in order for us to maintain the dynamism in our partnerships. * Both men and women benefit greatly from friendships within their sisterhood or brotherhood communities. When these connections are honest, authentic, meaningful, they help us heal, feel nourished, and be resourced. * Intentionally creating healthy community is a form of activism. * Couples who are supported by community are much more resilient, playful, curious, respectful and healthy within their relationships.
MENTIONED: * The ReWilding (Christian Pelmas’ website) * Women’s Wisdom: Card Deck and Guidebook (book & cards) * The Good Men Project (website)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 083: How Vibrant Community Helps Support Healthy Relationship With Christiane Pelmas
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or you would like to be on the show, please contact me here.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: “I have recently discovered your podcast and have listened to a couple episodes. I appreciate your insight in many relationship scenarios. I was hoping that you can dedicate an episode or part of an episode to long distance dating and how to sustain it. I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year, and we live one state apart. We seem to have an issue with communication, in that he doesn’t like talking on the phone that often and he has 2 jobs so he doesn’t have much time to give me. I wouldn’t call myself a talkative person, but i do love one-on-one talks and just building a deeper connection. It doesn’t seem like he is interested in that, and I feel im taking over the conversation most of the time. I have laid it out clearly that I need consistency and communication in a relationship. Dr. Higgins, is there anything you can speak on regarding what is needed in a long distance relationship and what may be signs that it may not work out.”
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.)
Long distance relationships are tricky. Partners have to endure the discomfort and pain of not being in each other physical presence, missing out on being together, holding each other, and sleeping together. Many people avoid or refuse to engage in long-distance relationships as it is not for the faint of heart. They require a more energy, effort, and commitment on the front end.
However, if you have found someone special and you want to develop the relationship (despite the distance), then you will want to learn how to be more skillful, flexible, and creative.
The good news is long-distance relationships can offer some great benefits. They allow you to build a solid foundation, as well as:
- Have more time to build emotional intimacy.
- Be more clear and explicit about your needs, desires, and expectations.
- Have to work through insecurities. so that you can develop more trust in one another.
- Be less likely to lose yourself, as you will be more likely to keep your independent endeavors, friends, and interests.
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Feel stronger as a couple having gotten through the challenge of a long-distance relationship.
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HAVE AN END GOAL IN MIND * Set a date when you will be ultimately be together.
- Know your level of commitment. What are you going to do when things get hard or when you start having doubts?
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Think about the long-term goal. Stay connected to the relationship payoff and reward, so that the investment will feel worth it.
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PRACTICE CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION * Develop explicit communication skills.
- Clear the air when you feel upset. Talk about your experience.
- Be honest and open about your expectations, needs, desires.
- Be slow to judge. In a long-distance relationship, there will be a lot of room for misunderstandings and assumptions.
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Plan ahead together. Have fun dates and trips to look forward to.
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BE FLEXIBILITY * Try different modes of communication: Video conferencing, sending photos, videos, and memes.
- Be open to connecting when both people are available. It is okay to not talk everyday, as this allows time and space for desire to grow. Rules can drain the flow and natural excitement.
- Be aware of each other’s schedules and stress.
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Don’t keep score: “Believe me, after three years of long distance I’ve come to realize that sometimes you have to go the extra mile. My girlfriend texts me 100 times more than I text her, I visit her 10 times more often than she visits me, she makes the effort to call me or write me way more than I do for her. But we don’t keep score. We each do what we are able to make this work.” Submitted by StevenH92
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DEEPEN YOUR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY * Ask deeper questions of one another (see articles below for ideas)
– What would constitute a perfect day for you?
– If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?
– Is there something that you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
– What is the one thing that makes you feel alive? - Craft the type of relationship you desire together (i.e. how do you deal with conflict? How do you deal with anger?)
- Read a personal growth book together.
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Take the Empowered Relationship Course.
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HAVE FUN & BE CREATIVE * Read a novel or short story together.
- Play a game together. For example, play “Would You Rather?”… like would you rather be able to breathe underwater or fly? Would you rather know secrets of the past or be able to tell the future?
- Watch a show together.
- Take a walk together.
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Send care packages. “I sent my husband a sapphire ring of mine that he would carry around everywhere, and he sent me t-shirts that smelled of him that I could wear at night so it was like I was getting a cuddle from him. There’s something soothing about having something physical that they’ve touched in your hands.” Submitted by Danni Little
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CREATE SPACE FOR SEXY TIME * Phone sex. I get this is probably not your first choice, but it is better than not sharing in your sexuality at all together.
- Ask questions about sexual beliefs, history, expectations, desires, etc.
- “You need to seriously trust this person: Scrutinizing everything and constantly questioning them only makes things worse, we both learned that quickly. Your sex life will take a huge toll, so you need to get creative.”Submitted by Alisha Cogdell
As far signs that the relationship is not working out, I would treat it like any other relationship. Look for signs of: Dissatisfaction, unhappiness, discontent, lack of intimacy, unresolved conflict, and lack of motivation. If you notice any issues, do your best to address them respectfully.
MENTIONED: * Learn more about the power struggle stage in this article “What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article) * Buzz Feed article “Best Tips For Surviving A Long-Distance Relationship” (article) * “36 Questions To Ask Your Partner” (article) * “20 Questions To Ask Your Partner That Will Deepen Your Connection (article) * “Deep Questions To Ask Your Boyfriend (article)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 082: How To Survive A Long Distance Relationship
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER In this episode, I offer live coaching to help a listener explore what happens for her when she experiences an opportunity for love and connection and she “shuts down.”
She shares about her desire for love and authentic relationship, as well as her fear of being “too much.”
Listen to the episode to hear her process and the take aways (that I am sure we can all relate to):
- How to get out of our heads, and into our hearts. Being “heady” gives us a false senses of protection, in that it actually works against us.
- How to slow down, breathe, and notice.
- How to honor our desire, interest, and emotion.
- How to trust our selves.
- How to deal with fear of rejection.
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 081: How To Deal With Fear When Opening Up To Love
Thank you!
I would so appreciate your honest rating and review!! Please leave a review by clicking here.
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
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Today, I am sharing with you the second part of my story, where I faced my fears.
If you missed the first part of the story, please listen to ERP 079: A Personal Sharing Of My Honoring The Darkness first.
Please listen to the episode to hear my story.
I would love to hear your feedback. Please comment below. Thank you!
MENTIONED: * ERP 076: How To Deal With Upset In Your Relationship In A New Way (Laser coaching podcast with a listener)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 080: Finding Family Part II
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or you would like to be on the show, please contact me here.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
When writing the show notes for last week’s podcast episode, “ERP 078: How To Honor The Darkness,” I realized it might be helpful for me to share a more poignant example of a time in my life where I faced my shadow in a significant way.
Please listen to the episode to hear my story.
“Why do we choose partners so different from ourselves? It’s not fate or chance or cliches like, “the heart wants what the heart wants”. We choose our partners because they represent the unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they manifest the qualities we wish we had. In doing so, in choosing such a challenging partner and working to give them what they need, we chart a course for our own growth.” ~ Modern Family “Clean Out Your Junk Drawer”
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek.” — Joseph Campbell
MENTIONED: * The Lion King (Disney) * Click (Wikipedia) * Modern Family: Clean Out Your Junk Drawer (episode description)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP: 079 A Personal Sharing Of My Honoring The Darkness
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or you would like to be on the show, please contact me here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
ACKNOWLEDGING OUR SHADOW Last week, I took a yoga class, where the instructor talked about honoring our shadow. She spoke about the fact that we all have parts of ourselves that we don’t want to acknowledge. We tend to focus our attention on positive aspirations, sensations, and feelings…like being happy, joyful, and in love. It is not as easy to look at our shadow.
WHAT IS OUR SHADOW Put simply, our shadow is our blind spots and the parts of ourselves that we do not want to look at. Our shadow contains our fears, insecurities, and unresolved pain. Have you ever been super upset by something really small and not known why? Chances are you had a good reason for being so upset, but the reason for your strong reaction lies just below the surface of your awareness, within your shadow. Maybe the event triggered a deep, unacknowledged fear or maybe the event reminded you of a past wound that is still tender and raw.
FACING OUR SHADOW CAN BE PAINFUL To live fully, it is important to acknowledge the full range of the human experience. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Over the past few days, I have been putting the magnifying glass to my own shadow. It has been an incredibly rich experience. At times, I have laughed at my own immaturity, impatience, and reactivity. At other times, I have gotten in touch with some important emotion I have been wanting to avoid.
(Please listen to the podcast episode to hear my examples, stories, and tips.)
Honoring my shadow is not a new concept, as I have been in the study and field of psychology for over 22 years. Throughout my professional development, I have studied how to work with the shadow. Throughout personal development, I have gone through many phases of deep inner work and facing issues I had never looked at before. Each time I was confronted with some opportunity to heal a part of my experience. As I embarked on the personal work, I felt uneasy, scared, and uncomfortable. Yet, I have ALWAYS gained something tremendously positive out of the experience. I have never regretted the process, time, or energy spent on my inner work.
On this show, there are many times that I talk about and try to illuminate the learning and growth opportunities within relationship intimacy. I try to point out the benefits and value of doing the relationship work. However, I don’t always talk about how hard it can feel to face your pain.
THE NATURE OF ROMANCE VERSUS THE NATURE OF INTIMACY We all want the experience of love, to be loved and to love fully. Most of us strive to develop a meaningful, lasting, loving relationship. Yet, we get mesmerize by romance and epitomize the warm, fuzzy feelings as the ultimate state of love. We don’t know what to do when we are confronted with painful feelings in relationship. When we don’t have a framework or a paradigm for how to hold the pain, so we feel extremely threatened and try to push the pain away in various ways. For example, “What is wrong with him, what is wrong with me, what is wrong with us. He doesn’t love me. She doesn’t care. I can’t do this. It will never work.”
We don’t have a roadmap for the development of authentic intimacy. We do not know that intimacy brings out our shadow…our insecurities, fears, and inadequacies, so that we can heal and become more whole. It is almost as if love brings our pain to the surface to transform it…like a purification process.
To love someone fully, all parts of their being….in full acceptance and compassion for their humanness, it a powerful experience. We have moments or glimpses of this profound experience of love, yet we get stuck and caught in our own pain and we loose our way.
WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE UNCOMFORTABLE FEELINGS? Often, we are so busy proving that we are good people and demonstrating our likability that we deny our darkness and shadow. We try to distance ourselves from the pain. We pretend our pain doesn’t exist. We ignore, judge, avoid, and resist. Somehow, we think this will make the pain go away. We might get some short-term relief, but when pain goes unaddressed it will keep reoccurring.
When we don’t deal with our shadow, we tend to project and blame others. We don’t want to take responsibility for our own discomfort, so we make it about other people. We also will get triggered more easily. When we are moving through life in reaction mode, we have no real understanding of our experience. It is just an impulsive reaction, and there is no depth or learning happening. Example: “You are lazy in the bedroom.” Versus “It is uncomfortable for me to share what really feels good to me.”
In my couple coaching program, I give you the support and the tools to deal with projection and triggers, so that you don’t stay stuck in the same negative patterns over and over again.
It is humbling to connect with our pain. This week, I have been paying attention to my uncomfortable feelings. Can you notice and name some of your uncomfortable feelings?
- Grief:
- Jealousy:
- Anxiety:
- Sadness:
- Anger:
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Fear:
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VALUE THE FULL SPECTRUM OF FEELINGS. What if you valued all parts of your human experience? What if you put your attention on both the good feelings and the “bad” feelings? How would this impact your growth and development?
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CATCH JUDGMENTS AND CRITICISM. Somewhere along the line we started judging and criticising and limiting our experience. “It is not okay to be sad. It is not okay to fail. I’m weak. It’s not okay to be anger. People will not like me if I am unhappy or negative.” We learned it wasn’t acceptable to feel a certain way, so we pushed the feelings down. It is time to reteach ourselves how to deal with difficult emotions.
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LEARN HOW TO BE WITH IT. Try to notice your shadow…the parts that you have labeled as bad, unattractive, or unloveable. Try to meet what is there without trying to change it or make it go away. Can you accept what is there?
For a good introductory resource, check out Emotions As Honored Guest, by Stephanie Noble (article).
The process of looking at our darkness is counterintuitive. The more we can meet and accept our pain, the faster we will move through it.
This week, I encourage you to look at your own shadow. What do you notice? If you are open to sharing, please comment below or post on Empowered Relationship’s Facebook page. Let’s share our humanness with one another.
MENTIONED: * Emotions As Honored Guest, by Stephanie Noble (article) * Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert (book)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 078: How To Honor The Darkness
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or you would like to be on the show, please contact me here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: “I’m a single mom of a 7 y.o. Boy? separated from dad 5 yrs..bf of 2 yrs is adoring, complimentary, caring….but drinks and only works 2 days a week. I work 35-38 hrs a wk. i am motivated, he is….not. I love him..he’s a good person, although has been caught in multiple small lies….he wants US sooo bad and i KNOW he wants to be good and do right but seems to unknowingly play “victim of life”. I broke up with him but feel like if i am looking for someone who honestly loves me. He’s SOOOOO convincing that he does. My dad is ONLY person that i KNOW loves me bc he’s proved that throughout my life by BEING there and taking action and bring true to his word…if he’s serious about something he’ll do it…if it NEEDS to be done, he’ll do it..i only have that example to base love on and i would love to hear ur educated thoughts on if i’m being too critical..if my idea of love is…..biased.”
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.)
- LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. * He can love you fully, but it doesn’t mean he wants the same things in relationship. And it doesn’t mean he wants to be responsible in partnership.
- He may love you, and he may not be capable of real relationship.
- He may love you, and he may not be ready for real partnership.
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Being an adult in relationship takes a willingness to look at your own stuff, takes ownership, and requires being conscious about what you are creating.
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VALUES & VISION * What do you really want in relationship? What does he really want in relationship?
- What are your expectations and desires in relationship? What are his expectations and desires in relationship?
- What are your top values in life? What are his top values in life?
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Do you have a relationship vision? Does he have a relationship vision?
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HONOR YOUR HEART * What would you love in relationship?
- What really matters to you in relationship?
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How do you feel loved (i.e. 5 Love Languages)?
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GET CURIOUS * Can you gather more information?
- Without blame or shame, can he talk about what is going on for him? Can he tell you what is going on for him when he isn’t honest with you or lies?
- It takes courage to hold a space of wondering, especially when you do not know if you are going to like the answers you will get.
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However, you ultimately want to work with what is real, as this will allow you to make progress in the cultivating a loving, lasting relationship.
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START SMALL * Get clear and explicit about your agreements.
- Are you both contributing to the creation of the agreement? If your partner does not buy into the agreement, it can feel like a demand.
- Make the agreement doable. Start small.
MENTIONED: * ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast episode) * The 5 Love Languages (book)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 077: What Happens When Your Partner Is Not Responsible?
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER Please listen to the episode to hear the whole coaching session.
MAIN POINTS 1. You can’t change your partner.
2. You CAN work with your partner, if they are willing.
3. By having a different conversation (exploring a new way of dealing with conflict), you will gather more information (i.e. Is your partner interested, are they able, are they willing).
4. Don’t make agreements that you cannot keep, even if it means disappointing your partner.
5. Develop a new system for dealing with upset (i.e. how do we approach each other, how we deal with pain, upset, and disappointment). How do we both get our needs met when there is a conflict?
Developing a new dynamic together takes time and support. There are a lot of reasons why we gravitate towards certain tendencies and patterns. This is where relationship coaching can be really effective.
MENTIONED: * How To Know If You Are Too Critical In Relationship & Why * What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship?
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 076: How To Deal With Upset In Your Relationship In A New Way
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would so appreciate your honest rating and review!! Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Before listening to this episode, check out ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part One.
“Up to 98 percent of American adults report feeling some form of stress on a regular basis.” writes Laura Newcomer in “Is Stress Hurting Your Relationship?”
In part one to the podcast topic, I layout for you:
- What is stress?
- Damage of stress.
- Stress inventory.
- Stress curve.
- Signs and symptoms of stress.
- I also give you the first two ways to combat stress in your relationship.
6 WAYS TO COMBAT STRESS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP 1. KNOW YOUR STRESS CUES (OR WARNING SIGNS) See part one for a description on the first two ways to combat stress in your relationship. Be sure and listen to the podcast episode for stories, examples, and more suggestions.
- HOLD THE BIGGER PICTURE IN MIND 3. LEARN TO RESET & REFUEL (INDIVIDUALLY & AS A COUPLE) * Olympic athletes have to actively manage their stress levels, so that they can be in their peak performance zone.
- You want to know what works for you.
- Exercise.
- Social support.
- Deep breathing.
- Mindfulness mediation.
- Rest & sleep.
“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.” – John Lubbock
- Nature.
- Getting creative.
- Listening to music.
- Positive or balanced thinking.
- Quiet time.
- Journal.
“The take-away for couples is simple — each individual needs to learn to deal with stress in positive ways outside of the relationship (through activities to minimize the buildup of stress in the first place, regular exercise, and other stress-relief activities). No matter how well you function in everyday life, all the skills in the world may go to hell in a hand-basket when stressed out.” by John M. Grohol, Psy.D
- HAVE A STRESS PROTOCOL * Be on the same team.
- Develop a plan for when life gets stressful.
- Scale back, say no, take on less, do less. Keep things simple.
- Give yourself space to reevaluate and renegotiate.
- List ideas for each area in your stress protocol:
- Emotionally: Example: “It seems like you might be under a lot of stress. What can I do that will help you feel that I got your back?
- Physically: Example: “I need a little more sleep.” “I know you like a little more quiet time.”
- Mentally: Offer help reframing and keeping things perspective. Example: “Can I help point out things you may be overlooking about the situation? Can I remind you of some of your strengths here?”
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Relationally: Example: “I know we are both stressed. Can we talk about our expectations for this coming week?”
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ENCOURAGE HEALTH * Have your partner’s back.
- Try to support your partner way of dealing with stress (even if it is different from your way of dealing with stress).
- Use your stress protocol to bring your stress levels down and initiate de-stress strategies with your partner.
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Offer care, support, and understanding to yourself and your partner.
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PRIORITIZE YOUR CONNECTION * Prioritize time with partner.
- Find ways to rejuvenate and nurture each other (however small).
- Trade foot massages or neck massages.
- Go for a nice walk together.
- Go soak in a hot tub together.
- Laugh together.
- Play together.
- Be creative. Do something different.
- Think about the long-term result. What is the long-term cost of not connecting in a years time? What is the long-term benefit of connecting in a years time?
“The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.” ~ Sydney J. Harris
MENTIONED: * Stress Hurts Relationship, By John M. Grohol, Psy.D * Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale * Is Stress Hurting Your Relationship? Here’s How to Fix It, by Laura Newcomer * Definition of Stress by Merriam-Webster
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship Part II
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
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WHAT IS STRESS? Definition of Stress by Merriam-Webster:
Stress is “a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation” and “tend to alter an existent equilibrium.”
DAMAGE OF STRESS Stress is a common part of our lives, yet it is easy for us to undermine its impact on our well-being and our relationships. In fact, many of us become numb to the symptoms and warning signs of stress.
However, when we ignore our symptoms and signs of stress, we remove our opportunity to reduce stress effectively. Furthermore, stress has a tendency to produce more stress. Have you ever been around someone who is extremely stressed? Stress almost feels contiguous.
When partners are both negatively affected by stress, it can have a serious impact on the relationship. Stressed out couples argue more, turn away from each other more, feel more disconnected, frustrated, and angry with one another. Couples experiencing stress also find it difficult to relax and enjoy each other, as well as seeing each other in a positive light.
LONG-TERM STRESS If stress is unchecked, couples may end up dealing with bigger problems down the road. There are many consequences to the long-term experience of disconnection, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, conflict, and negativity (i.e. depression, anxiety, divorce).
“Relationships exposed to high stress for a long amount of time are bound to falter, no matter how well each individual’s relationship skills. During such times, we are more likely to see the relationship as being negative, not realizing the impact the stress is having in the validity of our evaluation — it colors our perception of the relationship itself. Remove the stress, and people’s positive relationship skills can once again — and usually do — take over.” By John M. Grohol, Psy.D
STRESS INVENTORY: Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale
STRESS CURVE: SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF STRESS: Emotionally:
- Apprehension or feeling anxious
- More irritable or getting upset more easily
- Social withdrawal and/or loneliness
- Restless and worrying
- Anger and/or sadness (smiling and laughing less)
- Feeling insecure or more fearful
- Dissatisfaction
Physically:
- Fatigue and lack of energy
- Muscle tension and unable to relax
- Shortened or shallow breathing
- Headache & dizziness
- Stomach ache
- Sleep problems
- Weight gain or loss
- Low sexual desire
- Increase in substance use (i.e. sugar, alcohol, caffeine, etc.)
Mentally:
- Inability to concentrate or focus (i.e. more preoccupied)
- Confusion
- Forgetful and/or daydreaming
- Decrease in productivity, creativity, and/or curiosity
- Burnout
- Negative thinking
- Guilt
“When under increased stress, we feel perceived slights, for instance, by our significant other more acutely.” By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
“One study that followed 80 couples over four years found that those who experienced more stress outside of their relationship reported feeling less comfortable and less close with their partner. They also felt less sure of the relationship than folks who experienced less stress.” by Laura Newcomer
Relationally:
- Shorter fuse, less patience,
- Focus on pain and negativity
- More likely to have a stronger reaction
- Not available for connection
- Kill libido
- Communication does downhill
- Lack of listening
- More judgement and tendency to blame
- Feel attraction towards other people:
“Research shows we’re more likely to feel attracted to other people when feeling taxed. Anxiety can make us fantasize about being with a different partner and pay less positive attention to the one we already have.” by Laura Newcomer
In the field of psychology, it is a common understanding that people tend to regress when under stress. People’s level of functioning and skilfulness is lowered.
“Ability alone, as the researchers note, does not ensure that you’ll be able to respond appropriately in your relationship. In may be necessary but not sufficient to have good relationship skills, because you may not be able to draw upon those skills when under increased stress. The researchers also found that a person’s relationship abilities — like relationships themselves — wax and wane over time. They are not these static skills that exist in some vacuum. In times of stress, this research suggests that we can’t always call upon our positive relationship or communication skills — the stress can overwhelm us and our abilities.” by John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
6 WAYS TO COMBAT STRESS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP 1. KNOW YOUR STRESS CUES (OR WARNING SIGNS) * How do you typically respond to stress in your life? Can you look back on past stress in your life and notice patterns or common stress symptoms? * How do you know when you are stressed? What are your cues (i.e. eye twitches, neck and shoulder tension, more accident prone, smile less, laugh less, more preoccupied, more perfectionist, etc.)? * Ask your partner, “what do know about me when I am stressed?” * How do you know when your partner is stressed? What are your partner’s stress cues and signs? * What happens in your relationship when one or both of you are stressed (i.e. fight more, have less sex, less connection, etc.)? * Use the list of signs and symptoms of stress (see above) as a resource list to identify your stress cues. * Take the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale to get your stress score to identify your level of stress. * Identify the source stress: Take time to explore the sources of stress in your life.
- HOLD THE BIGGER PICTURE IN MIND * Acceptance. Don’t fight what is happening. Sure, you may not enjoy or prefer the stressful circumstance. However, struggling with the reality tends to create more suffering.
- Recognize the stress as the issue, not your partner. Neither one of you are to blame.
- Everyone deals with stress differently (i.e. zone out, cry, sleep more).
- Being stressed is NOT character flaw!
- Compassion. You and your partner are doing the best that you can.
- Flexibility. Remember the stressful situation is temporary, and/or try to get perspective that your life is more than this stressful experience.
- Forgiveness. Can you give your partner the benefit of the doubt? If you recognize an issue or concern (that you cannot overlook), make a point to address it. Otherwise, can you offer some grace and slack to your partner?
- Gather resources. Ask family or friends to help out. Do a trade with someone to get support. Hire some extra help.
Stay tuned for the next 4 Ways To Combat Stress In Your Relationship in the next podcast episode.
MENTIONED: * Stress Hurts Relationship, By John M. Grohol, Psy.D * Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale * Is Stress Hurting Your Relationship? Here’s How to Fix It, by Laura Newcomer * Definition of Stress by Merriam-Webster
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: “I feel like I have a huge problem with my assertiveness. I am recently married and my wife and I are great together but sometimes our communication falls a little short.
I would describe her as being very assertive, not scared to speak her mind or ask for what she wants, which I admire. Me on the other hand I am passive, I keep a lot of my feelings and thoughts to myself, and have a hard time expressing how I feel.
I listened to two of your podcasts ERP 45 and 46 and a lot hit home for me. I don’t want to be scared to rock the boat or be so overly concerned with how she is going to react if I tell her how I feel. But at the same time she isn’t very inviting when I do express myself. It’s like she can’t understand that it is hard for me and that it takes a lot for me to actually say what I have to say.
So not only do I want to become more assertive but I want to be able to not need to be reassured. I don’t want to feel like I need to be congratulated for speaking up, I want to do it because I know it’s what I should do because it’s not fair to her or myself when I keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. And I want to get out of the mindset of thinking it’s weak to feel the way I feel. Because I start to resent her and it’s not fair.
I recognize my weakness and know what I should do to correct the issue but it is hard to always do what I should. So I just need some tips to overcome the moments of weakness so that our relationship can be at its fullest potential.”
MEN & EMOTIONAL INTIMACY Generally speaking, being emotionally revealing goes against what feels natural and comfortable to a man. Typically, guys have a lot of programming to not be emotionally vulnerable. Many men have learned from a very early age to not express their sensitive emotion, like sadness and fear. Also, a man’s brain structure is designed to accomplish, excel, and get ahead, which doesn’t always prioritize emotional sharing and bonding. Men typically bond through being physical. Whereas, women bond more through emotional intimacy, sharing, and empathy.
Communicating your thoughts and feelings may feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable, as if you are learning a new skill. In fact, you are learning a new skill – how to communicate your emotions more openly and honestly. In order to support your learning process, be kind, easy, and gentle with yourself.
A man’s personal and emotional development is very different from a woman’s, as our biological makeup and social experiences are very different.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.)
LISTENER’S QUESTION: Jay writes “I have been listening to your podcasts for the past couple weeks and it has helped me tremendously in opening up my mind to different views in my relationship and how I can communicate better with my partner.
Currently we are going to couples therapy and we are each seeing our own therapist as well. This is the first month seeing my therapist and my fiancé and I have only gone to 2 sessions together so far. In these sessions I have learned a lot about my poor communication skills (I hold onto my feelings and don’t express them) and learn more about myself and the relationship but I don’t feel like it’s enough. I am still not able to talk with my partner openly about my feelings and through therapy I’ve discovered that I am scared of confrontation. I avoid it at all costs and it’s hurting my relationship tremendously.
Normally it’s not till after my fiancé confronts me about my behavior do I realize my poor actions and apologize, but lately I have been able to recognize my behavior and confront her shortly after our argument to resolve the issue.
The second and bigger problem is that my bad behavior is becoming repetitive and it’s getting hard for me to express myself to her after we have a 2-4 hour argument. I shut down, and start tuning her out because it’s the same arguments and the same things are being said.
Our therapists have said that this process takes time and requires patience. I understand that change requires time, but her impatience with me and long drawn out explanations are exhausting her and me, both mentally and physically.
The worst part is if our argument happens early in the day it ruins her entire day and she can’t focus on anything but the argument. We talk about it several times through the day ( because she feels I don’t understand her) and it keeps being brought up and aggravates me. I acknowledge her feelings and apologize and inform her what I will do differently next time. She also brings it up one more time right before bed, literally as we are falling asleep. This is aggravating to me because I wake up at 4am to go to work, and I need about 6 hrs of sleep minimum.
I don’t know how to ask for more time and patience from her and still show her that I’m improving everyday. I need to materialize my thoughts into actions and most of all I need her to also understand that change takes time and doesn’t happen overnight and to let go of all the anger she is building inside. Is there an activity you recommend? Or maybe one of your episodes touch on this subject? Thank you for all your support!”
- HOLD A NEW PARADIGM: * Be easy with yourself. Watch the negative self-talk.
- Develop a positive and encouraging inner coach.
- Be patience with your learning process. It takes time to develop new habits. Notice and adjust…over and over again. You will get better at it.
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Get to know your preferred way of open up and sharing. What works best for you (i.e. going for a walk and talking, taking some time to reflect, etc.)?
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TELL HER WHAT IS REAL: * Examples:
- If you are overwhelmed, tell her, “I am overwhelmed.”
- If you are scared, tell her “I am scared of disappointing you.” Or tell her, “I am scared of doing it wrong.”
- If conflict is uncomfortable for you, tell her “Conflict is uncomfortable for me. In the past, my strategy has been to avoid.”
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If you are learning, tell her “I want to learn how to share with you, in a way that works for both of us.”
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ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED: * Examples:
- “I am working to gain comfortability with sharing my thoughts and feelings, and I need to go a little slower.”
- “I don’t always know what I am thinking or feeling in the moment. I need a day to reflect and get clear. Then, I will be ready to share more openly with you.”
- “Conflict has been uncomfortable for me in the past, and I am working on feeling more comfortable with conflict. It would help me if we could talk a little more calmly.”
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“When I get overwhelmed, I am worried you want me to be different, or I am not good enough. It would help me to know you believe I am good man and that you value me.”
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WORK ON BUILDING SAFETY & TRUST: * What do you need to feel to feel emotionally safe and that your partner has your back?
- What does your partner need to feel safe and emotionally supported?
- Learn about your and your partner’s attachment strategy. If you partner feels anxious when there is discord, she may have a bit of an anxious attachment style. Typically, when someone has an anxious attachment style, they are worried about being left, rejected, or abandoned. Can she tell you what she is needing to hear? If you are able to help her, you may try reassuring her that you love her and want to share with her. Let her know you are committed to working on things.
- Learn about your gender differences and learn how to see the value within each experience.
MENTIONED: * Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast episode)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 073: As a Man, How Do I Open Up More In My Relationship.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: “My wife and I have been struggling with our 19 year marriage. A year ago we started couples counseling and didn’t have much success. We both did a little individual therapy and tried again with EFT couples counseling. The therapist told my wife she really needs to do more work individually to find out what is blocking her. From day one of couples counseling she stated that she no longer has feelings for me and she doesn’t know how or if they will come back. I take that to mean romantic sexual feelings. We have not been intimate for 4 years now. She struggled with things in our marriage and shut down. My question is, what can I do to help her see me differently and help those feelings come back? Is there anything I can do?”
Interested in learning the 7 main reasons why relationships fail (and how to save yours)? Click on this “Instant Access” button to get your free e-book. Instant Access
Be sure and listen to the podcast episode to hear more examples, stories, and tips.
BE OPEN TO EXPLORING * Does your wife want to revisit her original struggles or has she left the relationship? * If she has left the relationship, I would have an honest conversation with her about what she wants moving forward. This does not mean you are going to agree with her or that you will move into action right away. But it does invite a real and honest dialogue. You cannot change her out of her experience. She may feel your respect and feel more open to you, despite the topic of conversation. * If she is ambivalent about the relationship, is she willing to revisit some of her previous issues? Have you held a safe space for her to really share openly? Have you taken her perspective, understood her experience, and validated her experience? * What has been missing within your relationship? What was happening before the issues first started coming up? How did you deal with it then? * Is there someone else she is attracted to? If so, what is she getting from the interaction or relationship (i.e, attention, excitement, emotional validation, positivity, praise, love, etc.)?
GET CONSISTENT SUPPORT * It sounds like you and your wife have gotten support. For your description, it is difficult for me to tell if you felt that these professionals were a good fit. You will want to make sure both you and your wife feel comfortable and emotionally safe to reveal more fully. * Disclosing openly and fully takes time, as you and your wife will need to feel trust within your professional as well as trust and belief in the process. * Additionally, when you are working through 19 years of patterns and dynamics that have resulted in disconnection, it can take even more time to work through layers of protection, defense, shut down, and avoidance. Avoidance is a strategy to deal with emotional threat and pain. While avoiding provides short-term relief, it does not help shift dynamics or bring connection. Counseling, therapy, and/or coaching asks partners to go against these avoiding strategies and confront their pain and difficulties. * If partners are ambivalent, they may not believe there is hope and may not want to tolerate the pain to try to do the emotional and interpersonal work. * I would recommend investing and committing to a therapeutic process with consistent willingness for at least 6 months.
BE REALLY PRESENT * Try to focus on the moment rather than getting sucked into old patterns that have kept you stuck in the past. * Try to be available for a different experience with your wife. * See her with new eyes. * Relate to her from your most sincere and genuine place. With Respect. With Altruistic Love. * Be available for contact. Eye contact. Physical contact.
FIND JOY & PASSION * Have you lost your sense of play and joy? What brings you excitement and pleasure? If you do know, pay attention to what peaks your interest. What books, articles, or website do you gravitate towards? * Can you allow yourself to fill your cup and participate in enjoyable activities. Can you invite her along? * Is she open to doing something fun together? * Can you share your positivity with her? * Can you do something new and different together? Or can you learn something together? You guys could take my 12 week couples program, which is full of powerful curriculum, tools, and exercises.
MENTIONED: * Free Ebook “7 Reasons Why Relationships Fail (and how to save yours) Instant Access
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 072: What Happens When You Hear “I am not in love with you anymore”?
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
GUEST: Sarina Stone is an internationally renowned Medical Chi Kung (Qigong) instructor, Abdominal Massage expert, Natural Health Advocate and author of eight books.
After two decades of study in northern Thailand with Tao Master, Mantak Chia, Ms. Stone has developed multiple self-help tools for stress relief, conscious manifestation, physical health and longevity.
Known for her light-hearted approach to health and wellness, Sarina Stone is a colorful, beloved speaker and educator across the globe.
Be sure and listen to ERP 070: How To Gain Emotional Balance In Your Relationship – With Sarina Stone, as this episode lays the foundation for this conversation about healthy sexuality. She talks about her orientation and philosophy, which will give you more context and understanding of her perspective on sex and sexual intimacy.
HEALTHY SEX & SEXUALITY In this podcast episode, Sarina Stone talks with us about the importance of our beliefs about sex and sexuality, and how it affect our individual health as well as the quality of our intimate relationships.
With her training in the Universal Healing Tao System, she describes the process of cultivation, cleaning, circulation, and utilization of reproductive energy. She notes that our bodies are always making energy to produce sperm, eggs, and hormones, and she explains this energy can be used for health and longevity.
Now days, people are often distracted, preoccupied, and disconnected from their inner world. They have no idea what they are feeling and thinking at any given moment. Additionally, most people are not present to the patterns they are perpetuating on a continual basis.
LOVE IS NUMBER ONE When it comes to sex and sexual intimacy, most people are bombarded with messages about lust and eroticism. Or they have adopted cultural norms of causal sex and one night stands. There is nothing wrong with one night stands and erotic sex. Yet, when we talk about long-term, lasting intimacy with another human being, we need to attend to one essential matter and that it LOVE. For Healthy sexuality, Sarina reminds us that Love is number one.
“If there is a true loving connection between partners, then there is always an element of pleasure and connection.” ~ Sarina Stone
INDIVIDUAL CULTIVATION Sarina describes the importance of individual cultivation, which is cleaning out your negative belief patterns and emotional residue, so that your internal system in flowing smoothly and freely. She also discusses the importance of having a loving connection to yourself first, so that you can then enter into a deeper, more loving, intimate connection with your partner.
As you develop yourself, you expand your capacity to connect with your partner. Sarina explains that every level you attain on the path of self-development, your sex is going to get better.
“We will never live into the deepest connection or deepest pleasure we are capable of until we make love, trust, and connection our primary goals” ~ Sarina Stone
Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and tips.
MENTIONED: * Sarina Stone’s website (website) * Women’s Health Products (on Sarina Stone’s website) * Men’s Health Products (on Sarina Stone’s website)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP071: How To Use Sexual Energy To Improve Your Health And Relationship
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
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GUEST: SARINA STONE Sarina Stone is an internationally renowned Medical Chi Kung (Qigong) instructor, Abdominal Massage expert, Natural Health Advocate and author of eight books.
After two decades of study in northern Thailand with Tao Master, Mantak Chia, Ms. Stone has developed multiple self-help tools for stress relief, conscious manifestation, physical health and longevity.
Known for her light-hearted approach to health and wellness, Sarina Stone is a colorful, beloved speaker and educator across the globe.
OUR THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS DIRECTLY IMPACT OUR PHYSICAL HEALTH. Many of us, (myself included) go through life feeling preoccupied, distracted, and overwhelmed. It is easy to overlook our inner world (i.e. what we are thinking, what we believe, what we feel, and what we sense in our body), and how it affects our overall well-being. It is easy to loose touch with ourselves.
In this episode, Sarina Stone talks with us about the important relationship between our thinking and emotional patterns with our physical health and relationship health.
Sarina uses quantum physics, psychology, Taoism, and Medical Chi Kung to describe this direct relationship between the mind and the body.
She defines:
Taoism – as the way of nature (the philosophy of handling any situation in a natural way).
Medical Chi Kung – as scientific energy work.
OUR PERSONAL HEALTH DIRECTLY IMPACTS THE QUALITY OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS. In Sarina’s work, she encourages people to work on themselves. She claims that as people clear out harmful thinking and emotional patterns their health and relationships dramatically improve.
“In order to have a healthy relationship with someone else, one must be in a healthy relationship with themselves.” ~ Sarina Stone
At the end of the episode, Sarina leads us in a short exercise to learn how to bring more emotional balance to our personal experience.
Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and tips.
MENTIONED: * Sarina Stone’s website (website) * Sarina Stone’s Inner Smile Practice (web page) * Sarina Stone’s personal story on Life Changing Stories (podcast)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 070: How To Gain Emotional Balance In Your Relationship With Sarina Stone
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
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Recently, I watched The Psychology of Self-Motivation, by Scott Geller, which is a TEDx video. Usually, when I find a piece (article, video, qoute) that I like, I post it to my social media channels and then I move on. However, Scott’s points stuck with me.
I remember thinking to myself, “why am I continuing to think about this video so much?” It was a wonderful talk, but it didn’t strike me as a life changing video. As I pondered, I began to see how important his points are to relationships and couples.
Do we feel empowered in our relationships? Do we feel self-motivated to create the relationships we desire?
WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVATION LEVEL IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? In Scott Geller’s talk, he poses three questions to help determine your level of motivation, which are based on research findings
3 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF TO DETERMINE YOUR MOTIVATION LEVEL 1. CAN YOU DO IT? DO YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT? * Do you have the time, knowledge, and skill to develop the type of relationship you desire? * When you believe in your capabilities, psychologists call this self-efficacy. * Most people do not have an inspiring relationship model and do not know what a healthy, authentic, thriving relationship looks like. * People generally enter into relationship and marriage with a ton of expectations. * For couples who are extremely stressed with meeting their basic needs (i.e. having enough money to pay for basic expenses), it is difficult to put forth the time, energy, and resources into strengthening their relationship.
- WILL IT WORK? DO YOU BELIEVE THE PROCESS WILL WORK? * Do you believe your process or behaviors will help you achieve your relationship goals?
- Geller explains that in order for people to be motivated to engage in a process, they need to gain knowledge and understanding of how the process might work. This often happens through education, research, theory, demonstration, and training.
- Unfortunately, many people still think relationship coaching or couples therapy is for people who really have “problems.” Or they see it as a last resort.
- Yet, most people are ill equipped to navigate a lasting, intimate relationship successfully.
- The process of developing a lasting, healthy, authentic, and passionate relationship takes a certain level of awareness, willingness, and practice.
- This is why I created the Empowered Relationship Couples Program, so that you have all the information, tools, and resources you need to build a solid foundation for your relationship success.
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Relationship Coaching is another great way to get direction, feedback, and support in working through relationship challenges and establishing a solid foundation for your relationship.
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IS IT WORTH IT? DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE ULTIMATE OUTCOME? * Is the end result worth it?
- Whatever your relationship goals are will be your outcome (i.e. to have a healthy, strong, loving relationship).
If you answered “yes” to these three questions, you feel more competent and more self-motivated.
CHOICE: When you believe you have a sense of choice of what you are doing you feel more self-motivated.
Geller stated, when he is working to get a positive consequence he feels good. Whereas, when he is working to avoid an aversive consequence, he feels controlled. He pointed out how often people are seeking to avoid pain rather than seeking pleasure. Here are a few examples:
- Going to class to not fail (rather to learn).
- Following the speed limit to not get a ticket (to contribute to safety on the road).
- Eating a salad instead of a burger and fries to not get fat (rather that to feel nourished and healthy).
The way you view your choices has a big impact of whether or not you will feel self-motivated. “It is how you communicate with others and how you communicate to yourself.” says Scott Geller.
“Be mindful of the choices you have and talk about being a success seeker rather than a failure avoider.” ~ Scott Geller
COMMUNITY: People who perceive a sense of relatedness, a sense of connection with others, feel more motivated and are happier.
- Most people feel uncomfortable and are unwilling to talk about their relationship dynamics with others.
- People are often afraid of being perceived negatively, or they feel bad about their relationship challenges.
- Generally, people feel very alone and isolated with their relationship struggles and feel little support in cultivating a strong, healthy, and fulfilling relationship.
- In many wedding ceremonies, there is a section where family and friend’s are invited into an agreement to uphold the couple’s union. To remind the couple when they go through dark times of their love and commitments. This is a beautiful intention, as we need each other and the social support. Yet, in practice, most people think offering feedback on the topic of intimate relationship is off limits and too personal.
How do we build a sense of community? How do we support each other and lift each other up? I want to hear from you. Please comment below.
“We can always learn from each other. We need to have the humility to accept feedback, and the courage to speak up. We need to help each other feel (competent and) self motivated.” By Scott Geller
MENTIONED: * The Psychology of Self-Motivation, By Scott Geller (TEDx video) * What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article) * My Personal Story – What Led Me Into The Field Of Couples Work And Relationship Coaching (podcast episode)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 069: Have You Lost Motivation In Your Relationship?
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Kathryn Foster, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice in Ft Worth, Texas.With a masters degree in marriage family counseling and a Ph.D. in Psychology, she has practiced psychotherapy for 27 years. She is also the author of two novels of psychological interest- Sessions: Memoirs of a Psychotherapist and Finding My Way. She has written two nonfiction companion books to The Naked Truth About Men (And Romance). They are What Women Want….Really! (written for men but meant to be read by couples) and When Your Relationship Changes (how to find strength).
In episode 32, Dr. Kathryn Foster talked with us about the biological and hormonal differences between men and women, which impacts our language, emotions, needs, and desires in relationship.
All of these differences influence the way men and women seek connection and what we expect in a relationship. Women primarily want to feel emotionally close through talking and sharing, and men primarily want to feel emotionally close through sexual intimacy.
In this episode, Dr. Kathryn Foster continues the dialogue by describing the differences between men and women’s brain structure. She states women are largely motivated by empathy and are wired to discern emotion in others. Whereas men are largely motivated by valuing systems and hierarchy and are wired to actively build strategies and systems.
When men and women enter into a conversation their approach and desires are often very different. She claims it is important for us to understand these differences, so that we can learn to understand and love each other more fully.
Kathryn offers us some helpful direction in how to communicate more effectively with one another. She gives us specific tips and suggestions on how to work with and manage our brains, so that we can become better partners and cultivate more connection in our relationships.
“The great living experience for every man is his adventure into the woman. The man embraces in the woman all that is not himself, and from that one resultant, from that embrace, comes every new action.” ~ D. H. Lawrence
These are podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
MENTIONED: * ERP 032: The Naked Truth About Men And Women In Romance – With Dr. Kathryn Foster (podcast episode) * Dr. Kathryn Foster (website) * Books By Kathryn Foster, PhD (website) * The Naked Truth About Men (And Romance) (Amazon book link) * What Women Want….Really!: A pocketbook guide for men (Amazon book link)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 068: What Women Really Want… Really! With Dr. Kahtryn Foster
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
WHY DO WE BLAME THE PEOPLE WE LOVE? Most of the time, we are not trying to be mean or hurtful when we blame our partners. Underneath the blame are usually feelings of pain, discomfort, or insecurity, and we don’t know how to deal with it.
Here are two reasons why we blame in relationship:
1. It is self-protection. We want to protect our image, and we try to control how people view us. “It’s not my fault. It’s your fault.” We want to look good, appear smart, and competent (or whatever attribute we value…kind, loving, thoughtful, etc.).
2. It is deflecting or discharging negative feelings. We don’t know how to face our discomfort and painful feelings, so we put it off on others. When something bad happens, we want to assign blame.
NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF BLAME: * Separates couples and leads to disconnection. * Lowers relationship satisfaction. * Reduces intimacy. * Lowers self-esteem. * Increases the victim role and powerlessness. * Increases resentment and bitterness.
HOW TO AVOID BLAMING IN RELATIONSHIP: 1. Let go of being the victim:
Being in the victim role can be a difficult habit to break. It can almost feel as compelling as an addiction. It is so hard to stop the pattern.
Initially, blame seems like a good strategy as it alleviates bad feelings. “If it is not my fault, then I am off the hook.” However, we give away our power in the situation. If we are not responsible, we do not have the ability to create positive change.
“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” Robert Anthony
2. Take healthy responsibility
One of the quickest ways to get out of blame is to take 100% responsibility for your experience. This is not taking responsibility for the relationship or for your partner. By taking 100% responsibility for your experience, you create the space for your partner take 100% responsibility for their experience.
3. Face the discomfort:
Taking responsibility for your experience can feel like a vulnerable process. Because you are getting real and honest. You are getting in touch with what is most true.
You may feel hurt or sad. Acknowledging your feelings, fears, and worries can be uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and scary. Here are some examples:
- “I feel embarrassed.”
- “I am scared I don’t matter.”
- “I feel hurt. I am worried you don’t care about me.”
- “I feel bad. I don’t feel good enough.”
- “I am afraid of getting it wrong.”
- “I feel so much pain when I think about letting you down.”
4. Focus on the positive:
By focusing on your partner’s shortcomings, you may be overlooking or missing what they DO bring to you and the relationship.
Speaking negatively about your partner pushes them away, where as speaking positively about your partner draws them closers.
Be sure to listen to the podcast episode to hear more examples, tips, and stories.
MENTIONED: * PROGRAM: HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION. REGISTER HERE. * Brené Brown on Blame (video) * ERP 066: How to move out of criticism into love & appreciation (podcast) * Arielle Ford (website) * “A Story For Valentine’s Day” (link to Chicken Soup For The Soul stories)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 067: Why Blaming Is A Problem In Relationship And How To Avoid It
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest about blame in romantic relationships.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
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Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D., BC-DMT, is an evolutionary catalyst and contextual disruptor. She has been a pioneer in the field of body intelligence and conscious loving for over forty years. Katie has an international reputation as a seminar leader, training professionals from many fields in the core skills of conscious living: authenticity, response-ability and appreciation. She is the co-author of twelve books, including the best-selling Conscious Loving, At The Speed of Life and the new Conscious Loving Ever After: How to Create Thriving Relationship at Midlife and Beyond. Katie has been a successful entrepreneur for over forty years and has developed a unique coaching and leadership program that has trained hundreds of coaches in the U.S. and Europe. She co-founded the Spiritual Cinema Circle and the virtual Body Intelligence Summit, which will move into its third year in 2016. She has appeared on over 500 radio and television programs and traveled well over one million air miles as the ambassador for the work that she and her husband Gay Hendricks have developed. * Kathlyn earned a Ph.D. in Transpersonal Psychology and has been a Board Certified-Dance/Movement Therapist of the American Dance Therapy Association since 1975.*
In this episode, Kathlyn Hendricks talks with us about how criticism and blame get in the way of true intimacy in relationship. She offers perspective on the damaging cycle of criticism between partners. She gives us some important keys into shifting out of criticism. She also provides some valuable tips about how to create change in your relationship even if your partner is not on the same page. Katie helps us look at what is possible when you end criticism and blame in your relationship.
KEY POINTS TO CONSIDER: * Blame and criticism are the number one relationship killers, as they are the reason why most people leave their close relationships. * Criticism creates a sense of shrinking away and distancing response in the person being criticized. Criticism erodes at the positive bond and connection in relationship. * Criticism almost always comes from a fearful place: the experience of “I am scared of something, and I look over and I think it is you that is making me scared.” * Criticism creates a fear and adrenal cycle that keeps partner’s hooked in a negative loop and prevent them from creating intimacy. * The only thing to do with criticism is to stop it, by making a commitment to end criticism and blame. * It is important to see criticism as a defensive move and look at the underlying experience. * By committing to stop criticism and blame, partner’s make room for genuine appreciation, support, and giving and receiving quality attention. * In each moment, we have a choice in relationship, to either expand in learning and authenticity or close up in protection. We can’t do both.
Be sure to listen to the podcast episode to hear more valuable tips, as well as how to specifically move out of a critical stance.
MENTIONED: * Conscious Loving Ever After: How to Create Thriving Relationships at Midlife and Beyond, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (book) * Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (book) * Conscious Loving 5 video series, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (videos on website) * Foundation For Conscious Living (website) * Hendricks (website) * Hendrick’s Trainings (website) * Hearts In Harmony (Facebook page)
PROGRAM: HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION REGISTER HERE. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 066: How To Move Out Of Criticism Into Love & Appreciation
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest about criticism in romantic relationships.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
5 WAYS COMPLAINING IS DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP Here are 5 Questions to help you identify if complaining is having a negative impact on your relationship:
Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
- IS COMPLAINING HELPFUL? * Complaining is often seen as synonymous with venting.
- When we don’t know how to create change, it is easy to want to complain as a way of getting rid of the frustration.
- Complaining can feel helpful in the short-term, but not in the long-term?
- Is anything really different after complaining? are there any new outcomes?
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“The problem is that today we associate the act of complaining with venting far more than we do with problem solving.” By Guy Winch Ph.D.
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IS COMPLAINING A HABIT? * Complaining can be a learned experience from family and culture.
- Some people relate and bond through complaining.
- “Every time you complain, you are reinforcing that wiring and making it easier to trigger it. Do it often enough and it can become your default setting. Negative thoughts beget more negative thoughts and you can easily fall into a cycle of negative thinking and chronic complaining.” By Sharmini Gana
- If you are being really honest with yourself, how many things do you complain about on a regular basis?
- Weather
- Traffic
- Work
- Your boss
- A co-worker
- Your kids
- Your spouse
- Money
- Taxes
- Restaurant
- Stressed
- Lack of time
- Busy
- Politics
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Health
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DO YOU AVOID THE SOURCE OF THE COMPLIANT? * Often, we are uncomfortable with conflict and confronting an issue with another person. We avoid going direct (i.e. filling out a survey or filing a complaint).
- Often, we complain to everyone expect the person that needs to hear it.
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“We are equally avoidant when it comes to complaints to our loved ones. We fear voicing them will only lead to an argument and resolve nothing. Instead, we reach for the phone, call our friends and vent to them instead.” By Guy Winch Ph.D.
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DOES COMPLAINING LEAD TO FEELING HELPLESS? * When we feel helpless, it can be very hard to take action (i.e. learned helplessness – fish example)
- When we complain, we are often not clear and direct about what we want.
- When we feel helpless, we limit our thinking.
- Chronic complaining affects our emotional, mental, and physical health.
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“When we have so many dissatisfactions and frustrations, yet believe we’re powerless to do much about them or to get the results we want, we are left feeling helpless, hopeless, victimized, and bad about ourselves. Obviously, one such incident won’t harm our mental health, but we have so many complaints, this scenario happens many times a day. This accumulation of frustration and helplessness can add up over time and impact our mood, our self-esteem, and even our general mental health.” By Guy Winch Ph.D.
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HOW COMPLAINING AFFECTS OTHERS? * When you complain, do people lean in, seem interested, and want to know more?
- Do people engage in your complaining or do they merely tolerate it?
- What qualities are you attracted to in others (i.e. positive, empowered, etc.)
- It can be easy to view someone who complains a lot with heavy emotions as a “victim” (due to the hopelessness and lack of responsibility).
- Complainers can also been seen as self-focused and not available for connection or relating (because they are preoccupied with their complaints).
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Consider in joining this program:
HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION – REGISTER HERE. 1. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY * Build awareness around your complaining. Track how often you complain and what about you complain about. * Look at how you are participating in the thing you are complaining about. What is your role? * Be honest & authentic. * What are your feeling? Labeling the negative emotion reduces the intensity and impact of the emotion. * What are you wanting?
- TAKE ACTION * Focus on getting a different result. Look for solutions.
- Where do you have power or control to create change?
- What you can do about it?
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“Think back to when you called a customer service hotline and were successful in resolving the matter, or when you voiced a complaint to your spouse and they responded with an apology and a promise to make better efforts in the future. Do you recall how pleased you were with yourself? How happy that made you in that moment? How empowered you felt?” By Guy Winch Ph.D.
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TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF * Attend to your needs. All too often, we feel stressed, overwhelmed, and tapped out.
- Give yourself permission to get your needs met (i.e. acknowledgment, down time).
- Know you are worthy and deserving.
- Believe in the possibility of positive results.
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“By addressing issues in our relationship that need attention and problem solving them together and cooperatively, we can actually strengthen our relationships and become even closer (especially if your partner learns to complain correctly as well).” By Guy Winch Ph.D.
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GIVE YOUR COMPLAINING STRUCTURE * Give yourself a boundary of 5 mins to vent or complain. Then, stop.
- Recognize and catch yourself when you get stuck complaining for an extended period of time.
- Be aware of the topics of conversation you bring up.
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When you have a complaint to address with someone, be intentional: Be clear, direct, specific, and positive in your language.
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PRACTICE GRATITUDE * Gratitude brings your attention and focus to positive aspects of your life that you might be overlooking.
- When we appreciate one another, it fosters a warmth and regard that supports a loving, open connection.
- In “A neuroscience researcher reveals 4 rituals that will make you happier,” Eric Barker writes gratitude activates the dopamine region of the brain, boosts serotonin, and increasing emotional intelligence.
- “It’s not finding gratitude that matters most; it’s remembering to look in the first place. Remembering to be grateful is a form of emotional intelligence. With higher emotional intelligence, it simply takes less effort to be grateful.” By Eric Barker
MENTION: * Does Complaining Damage Our Mental Health? By Guy Winch (article) * Why Complaining Is Literally Killing You Sick & Making You Sick By Sharmini Gana (article) * A Neuroscience Researcher Reveals 4 rituals That Will Make You Happier By Eric Barker (article) * Description Of Learned Helplessness (video)
PROGRAM: HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION REGISTER HERE. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 065: How Complaining Damages Your Relationship & What To Do About It
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to be more successful in relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
In last weeks episode, How To Keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part One, I discussed findings from several research studies that explore relationship dynamics between men and women when the female partner is more successful. I highly encourage you to check it out, so that you have a foundation for this weeks podcast episode.
Also, I provided the first two ways to strengthen your relationship when she is the breadwinner. You can check out this podcast episode here.
Here are the next 7 ways you can keep your relationship strong: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
9 WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN SHE IS THE BREADWINNER: PART ONE (7 OF 9): 3. Know what role money plays in your relationship.
- What is the importance of money to you?
- Cultural values and norms will often influence your perspective. What beliefs have you picked up on about money and relationship?
- Is making more money associated with being more important, having more power, being more valuable, having more status, etc.?
- What matters most to you in life? What are your top five values in life?
4. Know what you can provide.
- What can you provide that will be of significant value to your partner and relationship? Typically, men want to provide what matters most to their female partner. (Alison Armstrong)
- What do you enjoy doing?
- What do you care about?
- What are your strengths?
5. Hold value for your partner and your relationship.
- Do you really appreciate your partner and what they offer and contribute to the relationship?
- Do you hold the quality of your relationship as a high priority?
- What would it be like to see your partner as a teammate – seeing your relationship as a team? “We both have our place on the team and that we both feel important and that we both feel valued. And we both honor each other’s contribution to the relationship ” Dr. Sheri Meyers
- How can you value the “we” in your relationship.
“In marriage, when we honor and celebrate each other, we’re freed up to be the best people we can be.”
-Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott
6. Know how you impact your partner.
- How do you participate in a dynamic with your partner?
- If women are afraid of emasculating a man, then they will tiptoe… Creating the dynamic that he can’t handle it or baby him. “The more I trust him, then the more I rely on him, and the more I appreciate and am grateful for everything that he does contribute, the more manly he feels.” Dr. Sheri Meyers
- How do you feel loved? How do you need to be loved?
- How do you show your partner love and care (i.e. deep listening, appreciation, play, and gratitude)?
7. Allow space for the masculine and feminine.
- “Although the Breadwinning Woman may appear to be this super independent, made-of-iron, can-take-on-anything woman worthy of a cape, many of us can’t wait to take off the iron costume we wear all day long and have someone care for us emotionally, physically, and sexually. Come close and I will tell you a little secret… shhh: We actually just want to be taken care of, we want to surrender, we want someone else to plan, decide, execute and control… at least some of the time. If you are a breadwinning woman, your husband better offer more than healthy competition for external accomplishments; he better offer some heart, some soul, and some you know what.” Sandra Shpilberg
8. Nurture the relationship connection.
- Now more than ever before, we marry for love and connection rather than for status or financial reasons.
- Therefore, our sense of emotional connection and bond is essential in relationship.
- How can you cultivate warmth and closeness with your partner?
- How can you foster more security in your connection?
9. Focus on the relationship partnership.
- How well do you and your partner work together?
- Can you collaborate and rely on each other?
- Can you negotiate mutually beneficial arrangements?
- Can you learn from your experience together, so that you can improve your partnership dynamics?
When difficulties arise in your relationship, you can work through the challenges to become stronger and closer as a couple.
MENTION: * Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner, David Bach (book) * How To Experience More Togetherness In Relationship With Leisa Peterson (podcast) * Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast) * “Women Breadwinners: Less Satisfied in Marriage?” By Sandra Shpilberg(article) * The Art of Love Series Relationship Series, 2014, “Bucking Traditional Roles in the name of love How to Navigate tensions when the woman is the breadwinner.” With Alison Armstrong, Dr. Sheri Meyers, Evan Marc Katz, and Al Watts. (audio series)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 064: How To Keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part II.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to be more successful in relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Are men really attracted to successful women?
Does a man feel threatened or emasculated when his female partner outperforms him?
Is a marriage compromised when the woman is the breadwinner?
In the episode, I discuss findings from several research studies that address these questions. Please see links below to access articles and blogs (under “Mentioned”).
Here are some main points:
- Men are attracted to female intelligence, and it is one of the strongest predictors of romantic interest. (Pincott, 2016)
- However, the challenge arises when men feel they are being outperformed. (Pincott, 2016)
- “Without realizing it, men reframe ‘Wow, my partner is successful’ as ‘Wow, my partner is successful and I am unsuccessful.’” (Pincott, 2016)
- “The blow to the ego, however self-inflicted, appears to hurt how men see their relationship.” (Pincott, 2016)
- The good news is that men can feel good, even when their female partner outperforms them, if they view the relationship itself as an emotional resource. (Pincott, 2016)
- Growing trend that women are the primary breadwinners in the home. (Rampell, 2013)
- “Couples in which the wife earns more report less satisfaction with their marriage and higher rates of divorce.” (Shpilberg, 2013)
- Men 100% economically dependent on wives are most at risk for cheating, according to study, Christin Munsch, an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Connecticut. (Wallace, 2015)
- “‘Most men don’t have affairs,’ says Marshall. ‘But they stray when they are desperate, when they feel unheard, un-listened to. It is demeaning to say they need their ego stroked, but when you step off the primrose path – and by this I mean the usual path most go down – you need to do a lot of talking.'” (Cavendish, 2015)
- “If a man feels emasculated and as if he has lost his purpose in his life, he needs to ask himself some hard and difficult questions: ‘who am I? What gives my life meaning?’ The easy question is, ‘do I fancy this other woman?’ The simple answer to that is often, ‘yes’.” (Cavendish, 2015)
9 WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN SHE IS THE BREADWINNER: PART ONE (2 OF 9) Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
1. Know what kind of life you want to create with your significant other.
- In regards to division of labor, gender roles (i.e. traditional), societal expectations, quality of life (i.e. work/life balance.), personal desires and preferences.
2. Know what it means to you to be a man/know what it means to you to be a woman.
- What makes you feel like a woman/what makes you feel like a man?
- What is important to you and your identity as a man/woman?
Stay tuned for the next podcast episode where I offer you 7 more ways to strengthen your relationship when these tensions exist.
MENTIONED: * “Acting A fool: Why is female intelligence a turnoff for some men, even those who profess otherwise” By Jena Pincott (Psychology Today: June 2016) * “U.S. Women on the Rise as Family Breadwinner” By Catherine Rampell (article) * “Women Breadwinners: Less Satisfied in Marriage?” By Sandra Shpilberg(article) * “Husbands of female breadwinners most at risk for cheating, says study” By Kelly Wallace (article) * “The danger of being a breadwinning wife” By Lucy Cavendish (Article) * How Can I Ever Trust You Again?: Infidelity: From Discovery to Recovery in Seven Steps By Andrew Marshall (book) * Sex and the city – Speed dating (video clip)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 063: How To Keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part I.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to be more successful in relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Can you simply have a friendship when you have romantic and/or sexual potential with someone?
Is it a good idea to stay friends with an ex-significant other?
Having a platonic friendship with someone with whom you have romantic potential, sexual attraction, or history with can be complicated for sure. However, it is not impossible.
4 KEYS TO DEVELOPING A HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP (WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER): Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
1. Know what your intention is and what the purpose is for the friendship.
- What is your intention for the friendship? What do you want to experience within the friendship?
- What is the purpose of the friendship?
- Sometimes, we maintain friendships for reasons we are not totally aware of, especially when we stay friends with an ex-significant other. For example, we want to feel needed, we want the attention, or we don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings.
- Here is an article on Psychology Today “The 10 Worst Reasons To Stay Friends With Your Ex” by Dr. Juliana Breines.
2. Be sensitive to the quality of the friendship.
- How does your friend treat you?
- Ho do you treat your friend?
- Do you want the same things in relationship?
- What kind of relationship are you developing (i.e. do you have candle lit dinners together)?
- Is it a mismatch (i.e. do either one of you want more than just friendship)?
3. Be honest about what you are feeling and sensing.
- Are you being honest with yourself about what you are getting out of the friendship?
- Does your friendship fulfill a need of yours? If so, what is it?
- If you are in a committed relationship, do you include your partner in the friendship to some degree?
- Would you do and say the same things with your friend, if your partner were around?
- Are you hiding, withholding, or omitting aspects of your friendship from your significant other? (If you are avoiding conflict or feeling fearful of your partner’s reaction, you may want to get support in how to create a safe, secure connection in your relationship, while maintaining what is authentic to you. This can be difficult to negotiate at times.)
4. Be clear about your boundaries.
- What are you comfortable with in a friendship?
- What are you okay with and what are you not okay with?
- Relating back to point #1 “Know what your intention is and what the purpose is for the friendship.” Is your behavior in alignment with your intention and purpose?
- Are your boundaries getting blurred?
- Are you behaving in ways that you feel good about?
Developing a platonic friendship with someone you have potential or history with is complicated, but it is not impossible. It does require choosing a friend with similar friendship goals, as well as having some sensitivity, awareness, and ability to communicate your boundaries clearly.
MENTIONED: * “The 10 Worst Reasons To Stay Friends With Your Ex” by Dr. Juliana Breines. (article) * How Stay Friends With An Ex (Article) * How To Transform Jealousy into Passion and Excitement (podcast)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 062 Just Friends. Is It Really Possible.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to be more successful in relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Leisa Peterson is a Business EFT expert and Wealth Coach specializing in helping people clear their fear, doubt and overwhelm to create joyful, profitable, authentic and fulfilling businesses.
In this episode, Leisa talks with us about working collaboratively together, rather than working from a scarcity mindset. With collaboration, we can bring out the best in each other and achieve greatness together. Whereas when we are in “self-concern,” we tend to not be as understanding and supportive with one another, and we tend to focus on scarcity and our needs not getting met.
She identified several ways people feel scarcity (see below), and she shared some tips on how to move from a scarcity perspective into a more collaborative perspective, namely with awareness and self-responsibility. She also talked about the importance of compassion and forgiveness.
Leisa gave us a sneak peek into her upcoming book “7 Ways We Sabotage Our Experiences As Entrepreneurs,” where she talks about the different types of scarcity. Here are a few:
- I don’t have the resources.
- I don’t have enough time.
- I don’t feel good enough.
- I have to cut corners.
- What I want is not possible.
Leisa’s insights and tips are important to any relationship dynamic and are particularly important to intimate relationships. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear more points and tips.
MENTIONED: * Leisa Peterson’s website (website) * Leisa’s story about loss and forgiveness (podcast episode)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 061: How To Experience More Togetherness In Relationship With Leisa Peterson.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to nurture your intimate relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Monika is a licensed therapist and relationship coach promoting healthy, authentic relationships from the inside-out. She specializes in helping people change their limiting beliefs at the subconscious level, creating much deeper change than in traditional coaching methods. She works mostly with women who
are in long-term relationships in crisis, to help them create their desired relationship by first changing their own default modes. Her coaching programs guide individuals through four stages of change that are required for truly authentic, empowered relationships.
In this episode, Monika talks with us about essential keys to shifting your relationship approach, so that can set your relationship up for success. She talks about the “default modes” that get in the way of our ability to show up for a healthy, authentic relationship. She defined “default modes” as the habitual ways we respond to things that are based on old programming.
4 STAGES OF CHANGE: Monika talked about her approach to helping people create relationship change in their lives with these four stages.
1. Self-Awareness: Getting honest with yourself, taking ownership of your limits, desires, needs, and challenges. Really getting to know yourself.
2. Expression: Expressing yourself authentically. Gaining the tools to express who you are to another person in relationship.
3. Hold the space for your partner’s expression: Receiving your partner. Getting your filters out of the way, so that you can hear who your partner is as a separate person. Separate from the past and what has already happened in your relationship. Staying present in the moment.
4. Getting into unity: Getting on the same team. Move out of the “me” versus “you” mindset and into the “we” mindset. The whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts.
Monika shares her own story and turning point in relationship, where she chose a path of personal and relationship transformation. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear more points and tips.
MENTIONED * Monika Hoyt’s website * Free 30 minute Relationship Breakthrough session with Monika Hoyt
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 060: How To Step Up To A Healthy, Authentic Relationship With Monika Hoyt.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to nurture your intimate relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: “How or what might you be able to recommend for my current situation? I am a 45 year old man who is dating a 41 year old woman who has been married 2 previous times. I have lived the single life and am ready for a change. One of her children is still a child. Her biggest concern is where my career path is leading me…. I changed career direction a couple years ago and has not produced visible improvement in my life financially. I don’t want to lose her because of that, she has asked that I find something and has given somewhat of a deadline on our future together. I know we have a connection and she has voiced that as well. My biggest feeling I have currently is Fear…fear of losing her when I know and I know she knows we have a connection.”
1. Identify What Is True For You.
- What are your top values in life?
- What are your needs?
- What type of relationship are your wanting to create?
2. What Are Your Partner’s Needs?
- What are your partner’s top values in life?
- What are her needs?
- What type of relationship is she wanting to create?
3. Be Honest & True.
- Be willing to be vulnerable.
- Reveal what is true.
4. Surrender The Desire To Control.
- Be open to the unknown.
- Let go of your attachment to being seen in a particular way.
- Feel the emotions that come up when you let go of the need to control (i.e. fear, grief, sadness).
5. Just Be.
- Be in the moment.
- Be with what is true.
- There is a tremendous amount of strength and grace that comes for revealing what is true without trying to hide or conceal.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: “Hi I am 55 years old, divorced for four years. I’m in relationship and it’s pretty serious and I’m not sure at this point when to tell him that I had a gastric bypass surgery. Only a couple of friends know that I had the surgery about eight years ago. I am committed to living a more authentic life and I feel like I need to tell him at some point. We are talking about the relationship progressing to the next level. He retires at the end of the year. He might be moving across the country to live with me. I am feeling like I need to tell him. I am just not sure when. Do we wait until we talk about marriage or until we are pretty sure that we’re going to be together or do I just do it now. I guess I feel like I should do it now because if he can’t accept that or is judgmental about about my past, I’d like to know sooner rather than later.”
6. Commit To Revealing.
- Commit to revealing over and over again in relationship.
- Even if feels shameful, unacceptable, unattractive, and unlovable.
- Otherwise, you will be hiding yourself and taking yourself out of true connection.
7. You Always Have The Opportunity To Choose.
- As soon as you recognize you are concealing or hiding…
- Shift your focus to revealing and being transparent.
- Notice what is true in the moment.
- Share openly and honestly.
8. Take 100% Responsibility For Your Experience
- Be curious.
- How are you contributing to this issue?
- Stay with the question.
- How are you participating in the relationship dynamic?
MENTIONED: * Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (book) * Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast) * My Personal Story – What Led Me Into The Field Of Couples Work And Relationship Coaching (podcast) * Suzanne Kilkus (website) * Gosia Meyer Jewelry (website)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 059: Risk Love To Be True To Oneself.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your love relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
112 WEDDINGS” BY DOUG BLOCK After filming over 20 years of couples weddings, videographer and documentary film maker Doug Block, began to wonder what happened to these couples, “Are they still together? Is married life what they thought it would be? How have they navigated the inevitable ups and downs of marriage over the long haul? Are they happy?”
To answer these questions, Doug tracked down 9 couples to interview. In “112 Weddings,” Doug explores themes of love, commitment, and challenges, while giving us flashbacks of their wedding day. He asks all the couples: “After years of being married, what would be your advice be for a young couple soon to be married?”
(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)
TAKEAWAYS 1. You are going to experience challenges together.
Every couple talked about some hardship or difficulty that they had to face together. These challenges ranged from financial stresses, parenting and decision-making conflicts, mental illness, having a child with a life threatening illness, and having a child with learning disability.
“I think there’s an amazing story behind every couple’s marriage. The common denominator is that they’re going to face really tough challenges over time.” ~ Doug Block
2. You have no idea what to expect within your marriage.
“Wedding is day one. It is easy to make happy. You just throw a ton of money and liquor at it. A wedding is easy to make happy and marriage it hard to make happy.” ~ Rabbi Jonathan Blake
Even against our better judgement, we hope our marriage will be easy or that “happily ever after” will happen to us. Yet, a marriage is a living, breathing relationship. A marriage does not survive on it own, it takes a level of intention, attention, and investment that most of us do not know how to do proactively. Couples talked about the mistakes of putting other priorities first and taking their partner for granted.
3. When things don’t go according to plan, it is easy to feel shame.
Generally, we don’t talk about our hardships with one another. Therefore, it is easy to think everyone else is doing well in their relationship, especially when you look at social media. We tend to privately play the comparison game. When our relationship is not going the way we want it to, it is easy to feel bad and alone. This is especially true, if we expected the relationship to be easy and blissful. We think some version of “Something is wrong with me, my partner, or us.”
4. Gather resources to get you through the challenging times.
As with any challenge you set-out to accomplish, you want to be as prepared as possible. If you were planning for a long, rigorous hike, you would want to wear good socks and boots, as well as prepare a pack with extra clothing layers, plenty of snacks and water, and supplies.
One couple talked about marriage being like waves. “Sometimes you love your partner, and sometimes you hate them. Your marriage will go through phases.” Couples talked what helped them get through the difficult times:
- Working together.
- Being able to laugh together.
- Remembering why I married this person.
- Having gratitude; Not taking my for granted.
Doug Block answers the question, “What do you hope people take away from this film?”:
“When people tend to think about marriage, their thoughts end at the wedding. The wedding is such a big deal that they conflate marriage with weddings. The whole point of the film is that the wedding is just day one. You’re going to have a long life together and the only thing that you can expect is that life will throw the unexpected at you. That’s your task as a couple — facing life together and the things you can’t possibly prepare for.“
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 058 Beyond the wedding. What is marriage really like.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your love relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: Hello Dr. Jessica Higgins, I’m really enjoying your podcast. Thank you very much for all the insight you give us. I am interested in hearing about addiction particularly gambling addiction.
My husband has been gambling for probably seven years. I discovered it about three years ago. Gambling just seems to be one of those addictions that people don’t really talk about so much. He’s gambling about $30 a day, so it doesn’t seem like a lot, but at the end of the year it adds up.
I’d really like to know how to figure out what to do about this, how I want to proceed in my relationship, and how to assess whether this is a deal breaker for me because I have a lot of issue with it. Any information you can give on the effect of gambling on relationships and how to deal with it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)
TIPS: 1. Take An Honest Look
- What is the impact of your partner’s behavior?
- Emotionally
- Relationally
- Financially
- Etc.
2. Identify Your Boundaries
- Are you enabling your partner’s behavior? (see article below)
- Do you feel resentful, overextended, or taken for granted?
- Identify your boundaries. What is okay with you and what is not okay with you?
- What would holding a boundary allow you to feel?
- What are your underlying needs?
- How would holding a boundary help you? How would holding a boundary help your relationship?
3. Change The Rules
- Do not participate in old dynamics or habits.
- Change the way you relate with your partner.
- Set new limits and standards for yourself.
- Set boundaries that you can control.
4. Communicate With Your Partner
- Express concern without blame or shame.
- Share the impact of your partner’s behavior.
- Share the serious nature of the concern. Rate your concern on a scale from 1 to 10.
- Discuss the option of getting help (i.e. therapist, counselor, Gamblers Anonymous, treatment program).
- Explicitly state your boundary. “Here is what I am going to do moving forward.”
5. Take Action
- Stick with your plan. It will feel the hardest in the beginning.
- Be consistent. Let your partner know you are serious.
- You are changing the family/couple system.
- Get support (i.e. Gam-Anon, therapist, support group, friends, etc.).
- Gather new information.
- How does your partner respond to your new limits?
- Is your partner willing to get help?
- Are you and your partner communicating?
MENTIONED: * Transform Your Life Baja Cruise (cruise details and registration page) * Brené Brown talking about Boundaries, Empathy, and Compassion (video) * How to avoid enabling a spouse’s gambling addiction (article) * Stages of compulsive gambling (article) * Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group (forum) * AAMFT Gambling (resource) * Gambling addiction (resource) * How Can I Help My Husband Stop Gambling? (article)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 057- How to Avoid Enabling Your Spouses’ Destructive Behavior.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your love relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Alison Armstrong, author, educator, and creator of the widely acclaimed “Queen’s Code” workshop series, asks the question: “What if no one is misbehaving — including you?” She explores the good reasons behind the behavior of men and women such as fundamental differences in the ways we think, act and communicate. She offers simple, partnership-based, solutions to improve our communication and intimacy by honoring ourselves and others. She’s known for her insight, sense of humor and ability to articulate the human experience and predicament of gender.
In this episode, Alison talks with us about important points to consider if you are having difficulty syncing up with your partner sexually. She offers key explanations to the variables that are involved with being interested, available, and engaged in sex. She shares important information about our biological and emotional influences. She gives very practical suggestions to help set couples up for successful engagement with one another.
Alison inspires us work in ways that support and nurture our sexual relationship. She provides very practical and effective strategies to gain more intimacy within your relationship.
Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and tips.
MENTIONED * Understand Men (website) * Queen’s Code (website) * The Queen’s Code (book)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 056: Secrets To Sex Even When No One Is In The Mood With Alison Armstrong.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to nurture your sexual relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
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FREE STRATEGY SESSIONS – A FEW SPACES LEFT! A Gift: A few weeks ago, I announced a complimentary strategy session (to the first 40 people) to help you learn effective strategies to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: “You’ve done some wonderful work on avoiding or transfiguring critique… if you’re the one giving it. However, what if you’re on the receiving end, and your partner is constantly looking for faults? How would you turn that around? My first instinct was to break up with her, that her mind has been poisoned with the opinions of others.
Key members of her family/friends thought I was a bit too weird and awkward, socially inept, even inappropriate. Growing up in small towns, smaller schools, and being a techie… judgmental city folk like that really don’t get me. Initially we agreed that I see a therapist and read some social skills books, since I’m compliant, an advocate of self-improvement.
Eventually, it started bothering me. About a year of that was enough, and I started standing up for myself, just straight up saying no sometimes, refusing the critique outright even. She went distant after that, and two months later, she broke things off.”
(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)
TIPS: 1. Trust Yourself
- Listen to your gut instinct and/or inner wisdom.
- Acknowledge your needs.
- Be honest about fit when dating and exploring relationship potential (i.e. values, desires, etc.).
2. Ask Curious Questions
- Get to know her experience.
- Learn what she is thinking, feeling, and desiring.
- What is underneath her complaint? For example, “What would me washing my hands differently do for you? What would it allow you to feel?”
3. Set Limits And Boundaries
- Do not engage in dynamics that are hurtful.
- Set a standard for respect.
- Don’t participate in communication that does not feel good to you.
- Participate in communication that is constructive.
4. Redirect And Ask For Constructive Communication
- Let her know what type of communication you are interested in.
- Let her know you want to hear her experience in a constructive way.
- Communication your needs and desires around this topic.
5. Practice Self-Validation
- Acknowledge your positive characteristics and qualities.
- Appreciate what you have to offer.
- Validate your worthiness.
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: What To Do When You Are Feeling Criticized In Relationship.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your communication patterns in your love relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
ACT NOW – SPOTS ARE FILLING UP! A Gift: For the first 40 people who contact me, I am offering a complimentary strategy session to help you learn effective strategies for how to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: “If I see that every morning when I work from home my partner is rushing to get the kids out the door to daycare and is 5 or so minutes late, every time. She is able to stay in the home. I pay all the bills. I also know that this is happening on days when I am not there. It is very hard to rush 3-5 Yo’s, things just take time. I think she needs to get out of bed at 7:30 instead of 8 to give herself (and the kids) more time so she can start some of the process’s earlier. Usually I am gone to work as I leave the house at 6:30. I think this would alleviate the stress or being late every day. I’m worried that suggesting such a thing would cause a “conflict” where she would be mad at me. So therefore I won’t say anything. I guess I just don’t know how to be. I really like/want to talk discuss everything and she doesn’t. I realized that her and I have different definitions of peace. She feels peaceful when there is no “confrontation” even if that means we don’t talk. I want to talk about everything. I want to work through everything and have all our feelings out on the table. I’m very much and extrovert and she is an introvert, in terms of wanting to interact physically or emotionally. I feel like we are so different. Our conversations always go so poorly, I end up feeling like I’m so wrong and in order to have the closeness that I crave I just “can’t say anything”. I’m not even clear on what is reasonable or ok to say/suggest.”
TIPS: 1. Recognize Differences in You and Your Partner’s Style and Pacing
- Extrovert’s are typically comfortable verbally and processing aloud.
- Introvert’s are usually more comfortable reflecting and processing internally.
2.Make Room for Your Partner.
- Slow down so that you can connect with your partner.
- Listen for the emotional tone of your partner and try to attune to them.
- Strive for collaboration.
3. Gain Awareness
- Notice opinions or judgements.
- What is it like for me when she is late? What would her being on time allow me to feel?
- What is it that I am wanting or needing?
- Is this something that I can accept? (This question may give you a better sense of your boundaries.)
4. Get Curious
- What is her experience in the morning?
- What does being late do for her (Is she needing more sleep? Is she needing a deadline to motivate her in the morning? Is she used to running on adrenaline and stress?)
- Get to know her experience more fully.
5. Work Towards Constructive Communication
- How can communicating feel comfortable for both of you?
- Practice relational communication
- Talk about you and your feelings rather than expressing judgments or opinions of your partner.
- Relational communication is very different from other types of communication that you might use at work or in other areas of your life.
- Get support to create a new communication patterns.
MENTIONED: * A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article) * Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (book) * Meetup groups and meetings (website)
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: How To Bridge A Communication Gap With Your Partner.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your communication patterns in your love relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! A special gift: For the first 40 people who contact me, I am offering a complimentary strategy session to help you learn effective strategies for how to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: “I know that walking on eggshells is a bad thing. Because whether or not you are doing it, the issue will come up eventually, and if put off it will only be more dramatic later. I’ve always been such an assertive person, but lately, with my girlfriend, I’ve not been emotionally assertive. That frustrates my girlfriend and it makes me shame myself. So a couple of things, I know that I need to not shame myself, and I don’t want to be emotionally unassertive.
Like I make too many assumptions about how she ‘might’ react to something. Avoid
Then I get caught in this terrible spiral. I don’t want to burden her with my problems, so I’m walking on eggshells, and then when I finally do tell her, another issue has arisen because I have not been good about being clear with what I need and want.
Like this has happened a few other times in the past when I am upset by something she’s done but have not addressed the issue right away, tried to take off some of the pressure and heat from the situation by sitting on the feeling for a few days.
I don’t know why I do this and I don’t want to do it. And then I realize that in my fear of bothering her and in my head thinking she won’t want to be with me, I exacerbate the situation even more and it feeds into itself . Which sucks.
My main question for you is, do you have any tips for how I can let my gf know that I am assertive, emotionally and otherwise, and how I can stop myself from shaming myself for having needs? “
INITIAL THOUGHTS: Emphasizing Your Best Parts – In dating, it is common to want to show the best parts of yourself. However, if you are too preoccupied with saying and doing the right thing, you run the risk of hiding and concealing who you really are in relationship. If this continues, you don’t have the opportunity to build a solid foundation for an authentic relationship.
Men Revealing Emotional Needs – When it comes to revealing emotions, men sometimes have a little more difficult time sharing their inner world. Stereotypically, men are taught to be strong and independent. Therefore, it can be a little uncomfortable and unfamiliar for men to discuss their emotional needs and desires proactively.
Relationship Model – Thinking about who you want to be in relationship and what you want your relationship to be like can be a helpful. If you know you want to have open communication in your relationship, than you will be more motivated to broach a topic with your partner.
Interdependence – Relationships involve some level of reciprocity. “The healthiest way we can interact with those close to us is by being truly interdependent. This is where two people, both strong individuals, are involved with each other, but without sacrificing themselves or compromising their values.” ~ Barton Goldsmith Ph.D.
Feeling Worthy – Being in relationship involves receiving, as well as giving. Do you feel worthy of receiving your partners love?
Being Seen – Having needs and preferences, allows your partner to know you and experience you. Also, expressing your desires with your partner gives you an opportunity to see how they will show up.
Giving Yourself A Chance – Not sharing with your partner out of fear of rejection is like rejecting yourself before your partner has a chance to reject you. Believe me, I understand how scary and vulnerable it is to share what is honest and real, especially when you don’t know how it will be received. However, I imagine you ultimately want to be in a relationship where you are loved….not for being perfect, but for being you.
TIPS: 1. Awareness: be clear about how you feel and what you want.
2. Acceptance: What if you accepted your experience as just a part of your process without blame or shame? What if you focused on being real and honest? What if it were all okay? Would you be able to have more compassion and acceptance with yourself?
3. Being Communicative: Proactively sharing with your partner (listen to episode to hear examples). Communicating with your partner creates a climate where it is safe to talk about uncomfortable and difficult topics. Together you will be building a foundation for a lasting relationship.
4. Act With Future Relationship In Mind: What kind of relationship are you wanting to build? Is the relationship reciprocal and interdependent? Is it honest and real? These types of qualities require an investment. If you focus on the long-term benefit 9of what your relationship will be like down the road), you will be more interested in putting forth the effort.
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: How To Build Emotional Assertiveness In Relationship
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about building emotional assertiveness in love relationships.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMPOWERED RELATIONSHIP! A special gift: For the first 40 people that contact me, I am offering a complimentary strategy session to help you learn effective strategies for how to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other.
LISTENER’S QUESTION: “In pondering my relationship issues, I wondered how much of it is related to childhood insufficiencies or lack of ideal parenting. In my search, I found an article about attachment styles. I found myself in the anxious insecure attachment style. l also identified my soon to be ex husband’s attachment style and my current boyfriend’s attachment style. What the article does not address very much is how do we overcome those needs that weren’t met in childhood so that we can be more complete adults now and therefore have healthy relationships.”
ADULT ATTACHMENT RESEARCH Much of the empirical research in the field of attachment is based on the pioneering theoretical work of John Bowlby(1969/1973/1980). Bowlby’s attachment theory was founded upon evolutionary principles and developed from his research in observing the emotional and behavioral reactions of infants when separated from their primary caregiver. Attachment responses are designed to keep infants in close proximity to their caregivers, which help keep them safe and protected from harm. These emotional and behavioral responses are a part of the complex constellation called an attachment system. Any type of threat to the stability of existing attachment bonds is thought to activate the attachment system (Bowlby, 1969), and people differ systematically in the way they cope with distress and regulate feelings of security (Bowlby, 1973).
Another goal of the attachment system is to promote the sense of “felt security” (Treboux et al., 2004, p. 295), which is the perception that an attachment figure is both available and responsive (Bowlby, 1969). Sustaining this sense of felt security is thought to be critical for maintaining satisfying, close attachment bonds (Bowlby, 1969).
(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)
HOW TO EARN A SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE: 1. Gain awareness of your attachment style.
2. Understand your attachment response is real and important. Many of us get frustrated with ourselves…wanting to be different and feel different.
3. Identify your attachment need. Sometimes this requires getting in touch with deep pain, which can feel extremely vulnerable.
4. Communicate your attachment needs in ways that move your partner to respond and work with you.Communicate in a ways that your partner can hear it.
5. (When your partner wants you to be there for them) Show up in a way that works for you. Most of the time we can’t show up because we are also feeling threatened, reacting, and in pain.
6. Work to prioritize emotional safety in your relationship.
7. Meet your partner in connection. Reveal deep vulnerable truths, see, hear, understand, and validate each other.
Yes, it is possible to heal attachment insecurities. It does take effort and constructive practice. If you are interested in getting support and guidance to work these steps, please contact me. I would be honored to help.
TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about attachment styles in love relationships.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Melissa Orlov is the author of two award-winning books – The ADHD Effect on Marriage (2010) and The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD (2014, with Nancie Kohlenberger). She is considered one of the foremost authorities on ADHD and relationships – counseling ADHD-affected couples, and teaching marriage professionals about effective marriage therapy for couples impacted by ADHD. Orlov runs a very popular and effective 8-week phone seminar for couples, and blogs at www.adhdmarriage.com.
(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)
Melissa Orlov talks with us about the impact of ADHD on marriage and romantic relationships. She describes the common signs and clues of ADHD and how it manifests within intimate relationships. She explains the predictable patterns that couples go through and where couples get stuck in unhealthy dynamics.
“ADHD is misnamed. It is not about attention deficit. It is actually about attention dysregulation.”
Melissa offers insight into her work of helping couples shift out of these negative patterns so that they can work together more effectively and positively. She also emphasizes the importance of managing the ADHD symptoms in a healthy way.
She shared three main points to her work:
1, Gaining awareness and education about ADHD.
2. Working hard to let go of problematic relationship patterns and create new relationship interactions and patterns that are more productive and positive.
3. Being compassionate and empathetic to your partner.
Melissa encourages people to view learning about an ADHD diagnosis as a good thing. She shares that between 70-90% of adults with ADHD can significantly improve the management of their ADHD symptoms with the right treatment.
MENTIONED * Melissa Orlov – ADHD Marriage (website) * ADHD Effect Couples Seminar (course) * The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps (book) * The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD (book) * Free Treatment Guide (opt-in gift) * Driven to Distraction (Revised): Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder (book)
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest about ADHD in romantic relationships.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Dr. Keith Witt is a Licensed Psychologist, teacher, and author who has lived and worked in Santa Barbara, CA. for over forty years. Dr. Witt is the founder of The School of Love, at www.drkeithwitt.com, where he offers his five Books, his six hour audio class Loving Completely, the School of Love Lecture Series, blogs, Therapist in the Wild webseries, and Integral Conversations audios and videos on health/love/relationship/sexuality/spirituality/development/psychotherapy related topics. He has given three TEDx talks, all available on his website.
(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)
Dr. Keith Witt talks with us about our evolution and development. He incorporates several different disciplines to offer a rich and comprehensive approach to relationships, love, sexuality, and intimacy. He talks about pain, suffering, and trauma in life and relationship.
“Being responsible means at the point something happens we start working to make it better in a healthy way. We have this power…focused intent and action, in service of principle and driven by result is a super power.” Dr. Keith Witt
MENTIONED * Dr. Keith Witt (website) * Integral Mindfulness: Clueless to Dialed in – How Integral Mindful Living Makes Everything Better (amazon link) * Loving Completely (video series) * The School Of Love (video series) * Patricia Albere and Evolutionary Collective (website) * James Masterson (wikipedia) * Survey: How To Improve Empowered Relationship (survey)
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your desire to learn more about higher consciousness in relationships.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Jayson Gaddis – Chief relationship geek and host of the Smart Couple Podcast is the breakthrough marriage and relationship teacher for smart, successful, people. He was emotionally constipated for years before relationship failure drove him into a corner where he had no where to go but face his demons. From there Jayson was determined to overcome his blocks to intimacy and self-sabotage in relationship. He spent years in therapy and self-development programs until he slowly figured this relationship stuff out.
In this episode, Jayson talks with us about relationship pain and growth. He addresses three relationship types. If you and your partner have different relationship types, than this is probably causing some level of conflict and stress. This will especially be true if one of you has the growth and development type and your partner does not.
(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)
THREE TYPES OF RELATIONSHIP 1. Comfort and Security Type: Partners want to be safe. They don’t want to grow.
2. Pleasure & Fun Type: Partners want to have fun. They don’t want drama and challenge.
3. Growth & Development Type: Partners wants to grow and learn.
Jayson also talks with us about how to skillfully address your relationship desires with your partner so that you can be on the path towards relationship growth and fulfillment.
MENTIONED * Jayson Gaddis (website) * Jayson Gaddis’ Map (opt-in) * Smart Couple Podcast (itunes) * Survey: How To Improve Empowered Relationship (survey)
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest growing and improving your relationship. I hope you are more in the know of what leads to a lasting marriage/relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
YOU SAY “NO” ALL OF THE TIME. Any time you make a choice, you say “yes” to something and “no” to something else. Even if you are not overtly saying “no”, you are still choosing out of certain relationships and activities, while choosing in on others.
THE DOWNSIDE OF ALWAYS TRYING TO PLEASE YOUR PARTNER. In relationship, you will experience times when your partner wants something different from what you want. What do you do? Whatever choice you make in that moment will probably have no drastic impact. However, if you repeatedly choose to please your partner, then the cumulative effect may pose some very difficult challenges for you down the line. Most notably, you will have lost yourself. Over time, you have essentially taken yourself out of the relationship. You have left your preferences and needs on the sidelines. You will probably feel unhappy, dissatisfied, and maybe even resentful.
NO ONE SAID IT WAS EASY `Saying “no” or stating an opposing view to your partner can be an extremely scary and uncomfortable thing to do, especially when you are not in the practice of doing it. It feels counterintuitive but the more you can be honest and authentic, the more you will be investing in the growth of your relationship (and you). How can you have a genuine and passionate relationship when you put your needs aside and take yourself out of the relationship?
KEEP THE END GOAL IN MIND Often times, the process looks messy and feels painful. However, if you can believe in the end result of a win-win, then you will be more motivated to deal with the discomfort. If you can learn to tolerate some initial discomfort, then you will be investing in your relationship and individual growth.
MENTIONED * Survey: How To Improve Empowered Relationship (survey) * The Invitation (poem)
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in learning how to say “no” in relationships.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
HOW TO USE THE END OF THE YEAR AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GET MORE ALIGNED With the new year approaching, it is common to anticipate making changes with new ideas and goals. Some people set new years resolutions and other people focus on setting intentions. As the year comes to a close, it can be an excellent time to reflect on the past year and review. Did you make decisions to support your values and vision for your relationship and life?
WHAT YOUR CALENDAR AND SPENDING SUMMARY CAN TELL YOU If you pull out your calendar and look over the year, you will be able to see where you invested your time and energy. In a calendar year, we all have 365 days, and we have a choice in how we spend this time.
If you look at your checkbook for the past year or your credit card/bank yearly summary, you will be able to see where you spent your money. Money represents value. We trade money for things we want and find valuable.
Did you invest your time, energy, and money into the things that matter to you? Did you allocate resources to support your top values and vision?
If not, can you be non-judgmental and accepting with yourself? Can you see this information as a source of learning? Can you seize the opportunity to improve your alignment in relationships. The more your choices match your values and vision, the happier, healthier, and more successful you will be.
YOUR PHYSICAL ENVIRONMENT AS A METAPHOR A client recently told me about a book titled “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing.” He described the simple philosophy of only having possessions you love and having a place for everything in your home.
There are many approaches to decluttering and organizing your home. Some people believe your physical environment reflects your inner world. If your home is cluttered and chaotic, then so is your inner state. Other people believe the organization of your home creates flow, harmony, and intention into your life. Just like gardeners will weed around the plants the are growing, it can be helpful to get rid of the things in your physical space that no longer serve your values or support your vision.
BEING ALIGNED IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP Every day you are investing in your relationship with your thoughts and behaviors. Are you thinking and behaving kindly, positively, and lovingly? Or are you being critical, judgmental, and resentful? Even your emotions contribute to a positive or a negative cycle with your partner. The way you engage and relate is either supporting your relationship values and vision or breaking them down.
If you realize you are not participating in a positive cycle within your relationship, I want to encourage you to view this as an opportunity. There is probably a good reason why you are struggling to behave in ways that support your relationship goals. Some of the common reasons people have are unexpressed needs, unresolved concerns, and an inability to effectively and constructively deal with conflict.
I understand it can be an incredibly painful experience to be in a relationship that does not match what you ultimately want. However, there is hope. This is a workable situation if you take action to find alignment in your relationship. I recognize this is easier said than done. However, you have resources and help. If you would like my support in addressing these concerns, please contact me at jessica@drjessicahiggins.com.
MENTIONED * The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing (book) * Feng Shui (philosophy) * Mary Morrissey (Coach) * Jennifer Jimenez (Coach) * Braveheart (movie) * Clean Sweep (T.V show)
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in how to create alignment in relationships.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Last week I talked about How To Gain Self-Confidence In Relationship. I discussed the positive cycle between assertiveness and self-confidence. The more you can assert yourself the more self-confident you will be. Just as the more self-confident you are the more assertive you will be.
5 REASONS WHY WE AVOID BEING ASSERTIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP While we might agree with the concept of being assertive, many of us have no idea HOW to be assertive in a relationship. Here’s a few reasons why:
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We think assertiveness is synonymous with being aggressive or confrontational and we are afraid of being mean.
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We are afraid to “rock the boat”. Here is something to consider, the boat is already rocked. There is nothing you can do to hide it or make it go away. The goal here is to be honest and real about what is happening. This will allow you to bring your whole self fully to the relationship.
“Through assertiveness we develop contact with ourselves and with others. We become real human beings with real ideas, real differences…and real flaws. And we admit all of these things. We don’t try to become someone else’s mirror. We don’t try to suppress someone else’s uniqueness. We don’t try to pretend that we’re perfect. We become ourselves. We allow ourselves to be there.” ~ Randy Paterson
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We are concerned about the loss of love, connection, or attention. Everyone fears rejection.
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Being assertive feels too stressful which can activate your sympathetic nervous system response (i.e. fight, flight or freeze response).
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We don’t know how to be assertive. We don’t have any good models to emulate. Assertiveness is a skill that takes practice to develop.
TIPS FOR HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP Check Your Beliefs
- Do you believe your thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires are just as important as your partner’s (not more important, but equally important)?
- Do you believe you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity?
- Do you think being assertive is critical to your overall well-being, happiness, and potential?
- Do you think you can get your needs met without sacrificing the needs of your partner?
Know You
- Know your limits and boundaries.
- Identify your emotions, desires, and preferences.
- Know what you want.
Take Action
- Confront people who violate your boundaries or rights.
- Ask for help.
- Learn to say no. Practice saying “no” for an hour or a day as an experiment to see how it feels.
Practice Respect
- Give yourself permission to not be perfect.
- Contribute to win-win conversations.
- Be honest and tactful with your loved ones.
Watch Your Habits
- Are you overly apologetic?
- Do you wait for someone else to recognize your needs?
- Do you feel responsible for your partner’s needs?
- Do you strive to please people all the time?
PUT ASSERTIVENESS TO PRACTICE WITH THESE 4 STEPS * Start small. * Be specific. * Be clear and honest. * Be respectful.
MENTIONED: * Be The Best You Can Be In Relationship (podcast) * The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships, Randy Paterson (book) * Challenge Day (website)
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in how to be more assertive in your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
For years, I have been talking with clients about the important balance between assertiveness and consideration. Many times, people are too afraid to assert themselves because they have fear of seeming mean, domineering, or controlling. Yet, if you do not assert yourself at all, it is likely you will feel unhappy with your partner and within your relationship.
BALANCED ASSERTIVENESS When coaching clients I will sometimes put assertiveness on a high-to-low scale. On one end, you have someone who is high in assertiveness and low in consideration for others. They may neglect to think about others and they may appear to be self-involved and self-centered. On the other end of the scale, you have someone who is low in assertiveness and high in consideration. They may be so considerate of others’ needs that they do not advocate for themselves because they feel it is inappropriate to assert their needs. Or they may be so focused on others that they don’t even know what they want. Both ends of the scale are out of balance. The goal is to be both assertive and considerate in relationship.
(These are my Empowered Relationship podcast notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)
One of the tools that I sometimes use with couples is an assessment titled Prepare – Enrich. The test results help identify a couple’s strengths and weaknesses so that the couple can work to improve and strengthen their relationship. The assessment is called Prepare – Enrich because it helps engaged couples prepare for marriage and helps married couples enrich their relationship.
Here are some interesting research findings from Prepare – Enrich:
KEYS TO SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS Prepare – Enrich identifies four key relationship dynamics that affect the success of a couple:
- Assertiveness – the ability to express one’s feelings and ask for what one wants.
- Self-Confidence – how good one feels about oneself and their ability to accomplish what they want in life.
- Avoidance – the tendency to minimize issues and reluctance to deal with issues directly.
- Partner Dominance – how much one feels controlled or dominated by their partner.
A Positive Cycle Shows:
- Being assertive builds self-confidence.
- Being self-confident builds assertiveness.
A Negative Cycle Shows:
- Avoidance increases the feeling or experience of partner dominance.
- Feeling as though your partner is dominating and controling increases avoidance.
Those That Score High In Assertiveness:
- Score higher in self-confidence
- Tend to like the personality of their partner
- Feel good about their communication and conflict resolution skills
- Score lower in avoidance and partner dominance
Those That Score High In Avoidance:
- Score higher in partner dominance
- Tend to dislike the personality of their partner
- Are less satisfied with their communication and conflict resolution skills
- Score lower in self confidence and assertiveness
If you struggle with being assertive in relationship, then chances are you may struggle with self-confidence too. I encourage you to take one step towards practicing being assertive. This step could be something small like voicing your preference for dinner. Or you may want to spend some time thinking about what you would say if you were to advocate for your needs in relationship on bigger topics. I understand this is easier said than done, especially if you have had very little support or encouragement to articulate your needs. If you would like to support in becoming more assertive in relationship, please contact me. I would be happy to help.
MENTIONED * Prepare – Enrich * If you are interested in taking the Prepare – Enrich test for your relationship, email me at jessica@drjessicahiggins.com.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in how to gain self-confidence in your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Relationships sometimes fail or end. When they do, it’s easy to doubt whether or not you are doomed to be unhappy in love. Recently, a listener submitted a question, “Is it possible to have a successful ...
JEALOUSY IN MARRIAGE AND LOVE RELATIONSHIPS
Mali Apple and Joe Dunn are authors, coaches, lovers, and best friends. Their bestselling book, The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships has helped thousands of people around the world create relationships that are deeply connected emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. The sequel, The Soulmate Lover: A Guide to Passionate and Lasting Love, Sex, and Intimacy explores everything from connecting with your sexual energy to using sexual healing to transform challenges into heart-opening pleasure recently won the 2015 National Indie Excellence Award for Sexuality.
In this podcast episode, Mali and Joe talk about why we feel jealous, what you can do to work with it, and more importantly, how to transform it into connection and passion.
(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)
Key Points from Mali & Joe’s Interview:
- 95% of feelings of jealousy occur when there is NO risk going on in the relationship (i.e. a partner is having an affair).
- For jealousy in marriage, the feeling can range from a small impulse to very intense and overwhelming sensations.
- Self-exploration is important. Ask yourself, “Where are the jealous feelings coming from?” Look at past experiences of abandonment, relationship, and low self-esteem to help find your answers.
- It’s easy to think: “You shouldn’t be doing that because I make myself feel uncomfortable when you do that. Because of all the things I tell myself that it means.”
- How to become the watcher of what you tell yourself when you start feeling jealousy come up.
- ‘What lack do I feel inside myself and how can I address that? “
- How to see your partner as a sexy, attractive, and unique individual.
- We build trust through experiences with our partner, being able to talk openly and honestly.
- The importance of both inner security and relationship security (safe and strong connection).
- You are free to admire other attractive people. You can be yourself. Find a way to expand who you are within your own marriage or love relationship.
- There are foundational principles of acceptance in love relationships.
- Commitments that are self-oriented.
- There is never a guarantee in a marriage, love relationship, or in life.
- The paradox of connection and freedom.
MENTIONED: * Mali & Joe’s website The Soulmate Experience * The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships * The Soulmate Lover: A Guide to Passionate and Lasting Love, Sex, and Intimacy * Mali & Joe’s YouTube channel * Turkey to New Years: 35 Day Challenge (Facebook event) * Jessie’s website: Jessie Rose Strength & Health * Gay & Katie Hendricks
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in overcoming fear and jealousy in marriage/love relationships! I believe in your success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.
COMPETING IN A RELATIONSHIP Competition is wonderful in many ways. However, when we get stuck in habitual patterns of a competitive mindset, it can bring stress and strain to our lives and romantic relationships.
A competitive mindset assumes limited resources and opportunities, resulting in an “I have to get mine” attitude.
Being in a competitive mindset can lead to a survival mentality. You begin to think that in order to win, you have to beat others – survival of the fittest. This is also a fear based mindset. When fear sets in, we start to view the world differently.
NEGATIVE BASIS From an evolutionary standpoint, humans are prone to having a negative basis. Having a negative basis helps us pay attention to negative and painful events so that we will learn and be more prepared to handle threats. In doing so, we may be able to better protect ourselves.
The downside to this negative basis is that it’s easy to overlook our strengths, assets, resources, and opportunities because all of our attention is focused on the negative. When we focus on the negative, it is easy to become reactive and more fearful, responding to situations from a protective and competitive approach.
When we emphasize the negative, we miss the whole picture.
HOW DO YOU MOVE FROM COMPETITION TO CREATIVITY IN A RELATIONSHIP? How do you begin to shift your mindset? The most personal and profound way that I know is through Gratitude. As we shift our attention to what we are grateful for, we will recognize more positivity for that we have been previously overlooking or ignoring. We will acknowledge more resources and opportunities in our partnership. We will begin to feel more relaxed and more regulated. We feel empowered and less threatened, and we start believing in a more generative outcome.
“Abilities wither under faultfinding, blossom under encouragement.” ~ Donald A. Laird
EXERCISE FOR WAYS TO BE CREATIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP Start with your own inner universe.
- Can you think of an area in your love life where you are feeling constricted, competitive, or fearful?
- Notice how you feel.
- Now, shift your attention to something you are grateful for.
- Take a moment to stay with the gratitude.
- Do you notice a shift?
WHAT STOPS US FROM BEING CREATIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP? Cultivating an environment of appreciation often doesn’t come naturally and easily. Many of us do not express appreciation to our partner because:
- We think it is childish.
- It feels awkward and unfamiliar.
- We assume we are stating the obvious.
- We forget.
- We think it is cliché.
HOW TO SHOW GRATITUDE IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP When we share our appreciation in a romantic relationship, it has a powerful impact on others. Appreciation is the expression of gratitude.
5 to 1
John Gottman, a psychologist and researcher, offers a formula for happy relationships. He claims that for every negative expression in a relationship (a complaint, frown, put-down, expression of anger) there needs to be about five positive expressions (smiles, compliments, laughter, expressions of appreciation and gratitude) to counter balance the mindset.
Ideas to Express Gratitude in a Relationship:
- Ask your partner to share one thing they are grateful for and then give one appreciation to them.
- Get out some paper and pens. Set a timer for 3 mins. Ask your partner to try and come up with 100 things they are grateful for. Then, invite her/him to share one or as many they are comfortable with sharing.
MENTIONED * The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, by John Gottman (book)
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in improving the quality of your romantic relationship! I believe in your success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please post one by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome your relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.
OVERCOMING FEAR IN RELATIONSHIPS
As a former US Air Force Captain, Bryan Reeves has now become an internationally renowned blogger, life and relationship coach and public speaker after hurling himself into the transformational fires of intimate relationships over and over and over again. With a Masters Degree in Human Relations and massive insight gleaned through countless adventures, Bryan now coaches men, women and couples in creating thriving lives and relationships.
In this episode, Bryan talks with us about his article “You’re Ready For All of Her, You’re a Goddamn Warrior.” He encourages us to recognize how easily we can buy into the story that our achievements and accomplishments determine our worth. When we rely on external validation, we lose our center and crumble with every criticism. He inspires us to let go of our fear for love relationships and connect with our deepest purpose – Self Love.
(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)
Bryan addresses the:
- Story that your external accomplishments and achievements are what define your worth.
- False self-truth: “If I don’t have money, I am not worthy of love.”
- Paradox between caring too much and not caring.
- Feminine energy is often inviting the masculine energy to come into heart.
- Beautiful process for navigating the masculine or navigating the feminine.
“We are missing the deepest truth about what we are here to do, that is to serve love. ~ Bryan Reeves”
MENTIONED: * Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her) (blog) * You’re Ready For All of Her, You’re a Goddamn Warrior (blog) * Bryan Reeves’ website
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in overcoming fear in relationships! I believe in your success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.
GOOD INTENTIONS IN A RELATIONSHIP
Stuart Fensterheim, LCSW has been a couples counselor for over 30 years. He graduated with a Master of Social Work in 1985 from the University of Maryland and specializes with couples using EFT. He believes that with a power of love and relationships as the basis of all of our happiness, and without a connected relationship, people suffer in their lives. Stuart’s focus is on changing the world one relationship at a time.
Stuart is also the host of The Couples Expert Podcast.
In this episode, Stuart talks with us about how to be more create good intentions in a relationship, especially when we are having hurt feelings or issues with our partner. He identifies the importance of rethinking our negative interpretations so that we can set the stage for more connection in our love relationships.
(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)
Stuart recommends these practices for setting an intention for a relationship:
- Question your negative interpretations of your partner. Ask yourself, “how does this interpretation help?”
- Take control of your assumptions. Take a risk and work to disprove your assumptions.
- Be open and vulnerable about your relationship needs.
- Recognize “primal pain” or hurt that gets activated in a love relationship.
- Communicate to show your partner how much they mean to you.
MENTIONED: * The Couples Expert Podcast (iTunes) * Stuart Fensterheim’s Website
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for being interested in setting good intentions in a relationship! I believe in your success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please click here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to meet your relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
Last week, I talked about Why Criticism Is So Painful In Relationship and why criticism is so problematic. I addressed what is happening when we get stuck in cycles of criticism and defensiveness in your love relationship.
Today, I talk about How To Shift Criticism Into Powerful Communication, and I have two resources to give to you.
(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)
1-PAGE RELATIONSHIP GUIDE: Shifting Criticism To Maintain A Healthy Relationship (visit www.drjessicahiggins.com). This 1-page relationship guide is a quick and easy reference tool for transforming constant criticism in a relationship. It offers a side-by-side comparison of what a critical approach looks like versus a more constructive approach.
Most of us know being critical is not the best approach, but we do not know what to do instead. This relationship guide is helpful because it gives you examples of what you can do instead of being critical. There are 21 examples provided on this 1-page PDF.
Example:
Let’s say I don’t want to eat dessert for 3 weeks. If my goal is to feel healthy and have more energy, I will want to know how I can work towards that goal. While I know I don’t want to eat any dessert, I don’t know what TO do instead of eating dessert.
It is helpful to think about what I am going to do ahead of time, so when I get a craving, I will be more prepared. When I have a craving, instead of eating a dessert I can:
- Drink a glass of water
- Ask myself, “what am I really wanting right now?” I might be tired and want a nap. I might feel lethargic and need a walk. I might feel lonely and want to call a friend.
- Eat a piece of fruit
It is important to think about these strategies ahead of time. In the moment, we are not going to be thinking about alternative ways of approaching the situation.
What are the qualities you want in your relationship, especially if there is constant criticism? What is the result you want to achieve? Describe your ideal relationship environment (i.e. a relationship that is constructive, safe, supportive, encouraging, etc.).
17 WAYS TO SHIFT CRITICISM IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP: In this article, 17 Ways to Shift Criticism In Your Relationship, I offer 17 different strategies for you to consider to shift your critical behavior. Whereas the relationship guide (mentioned above) is more of a reference tool, this is an article that offers explanations to the suggestions and recommendations.
Underneath critical behavior, there are usually a few themes going on. Here are three:
1. Learned habits and patterning.
2. Not feeling good enough
3. Not trusting needs will be met
HOW TO REPLACE CRITICISM WITH CONSTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR Both the 1-page resource guide: Shifting Criticism To Maintain A Healthy Relationship and article: 17 Ways to Shift Criticism In Your Relationship provide several suggestions and examples of how to replace criticism with constructive behavior.
Here are three ways to work with what might be going on underneath the critical tendency:
1. Reset your critical imprint. Identify the people in your life that were critical. Choose to adopt a different mindset and create new habits. Retrain yourself through repetition and practice.
2. Develop more self-worth. Foster a supportive inner voice. Attend to your fears and difficult emotions in a nurturing way (i.e. anxiety and anger). Look for ways to acknowledge and appreciate yourself and your contributions. Gain the belief that you are good enough and worthy.
3. Identifying your needs and ask your partner proactively for what you need and want. In last week’s episode, I provided examples of how to turn a critical comment into a proactive statement. This requires developing some assertiveness. Also, here is a communication exercise that will provide guidance for these types of conversations.
Only when we feel comfortable with our own choices — and embrace our own imperfections — will we stop feeling the driving need to criticize others. ~ Brene Brown
Powerful communication begins to occur when we can put these more constructive approaches into practice. Imagine how your relationship would be different if:
- You felt respected, valued, worthy within your relationship
- You and your partner were in the practice of asking one another for what you want and need, within conversations that are productive and harmonious.
- You and your partner work together to create outcomes that are mutually beneficial.
- Your relationship environment is constructive, positive, and considerate.
- You and your partner are growing and learning together so that you can continue to develop a strong, secure, and loving relationship.
7 DAY CHALLENGE – AN INVITATION: 1. Download the 1-page guide: visit www.drjessicahiggins.com
2. Choose one strategy to work with for one week. Select a constructive approach to focus on and implement. When you catch yourself feeling critical, use this constructive approach instead of the critical one. This can be done individually or as a couple (listen to podcast episode for more explanation).
3. Check-in after 7 days. How did it go? What worked well? What didn’t work well?
4. Share how it went. You can contact me here, or you can leave a comment below. You can participate anonymously. I will honor your confidence. We can all learn from each other.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in eliminating criticism and improving the quality of your relationship! I believe in your relationship success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
Are you interested in getting support to shift your level of criticism in relationship? If so, you can contact me here. Let’s have a conversation to see how I might be able to help. No obligations.
CONSTANT CRITICISM IN RELATIONSHIP IS SO PAINFUL Most of us know that criticism is not the best behavior to use when relating to our significant others. Yet, we still struggle with it and resorting to the approach when we’re unhappy. When we feel challenged by something, it is easy to address the issue by complaining or criticizing.
In this podcast, I provide explanations why we criticize the ones we love the most.
If you recognize ways in which you might be critical, try to make an internal shift to have an attitude of exploration. Ask yourself “how come I get critical sometimes?” Usually, we learn how to be critical along the way from our family or friends. We do the best we can, but we don’t have a better way of addressing our concerns.
In my recent article, How To Know If You Are Too Critical In Relationship And Why, I offered 10 signs to identify whether or not you may be more critical than you think. In the article, I addressed 16 reasons why people are highly critical, which will help you understand the reasons why you might be critical too.
(Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)
3 OF THE 10 SIGNS OF BEING CRITICAL: * You are very critical of yourself when you make a mistake (i.e. what do you automatically tell yourself when you make a mistake?). If you are highly critical of yourself, then you are likely to be more critical of others. Examples: “What an idiot! Ugh, I suck! I can’t do anything nice. So stupid.” * You micromanage. You have a hard time letting go. If your partner didn’t complete a task in your preferred way, you will go afterward and fix it to your liking. * It is easier to find fault than praise. You will find the flaw rather than focus on the positives.
“I give feedback; you’re critical. I’m firm; you’re stubborn. I’m flexible; you’re wishy-washy. I’m in touch with my feelings; you’re hysterical!” ~ Steven Stosny
3 OF THE 16 REASONS WHY YOU MIGHT BE CRITICAL: * You think if you can manage the world around you, you’ll feel less anxious and/or vulnerable (or out-of-control). It is hard to look inward at your own internal discomfort (i.e. feeling anxious or not good enough). * Being critical of others helps you feel in power and dominant focusing on others weaknesses or shortcomings. * You grew up in a critical environment, and it was learned behavior.
WHY CRITICISM IS PROBLEMATIC IN A LOVE RELATIONSHIP: * Criticism is expressed through disapproval, critiquing, correcting, blaming, nitpicking, or trying to fix your partner. * It is also a major predictor of divorce, according to John Gottman, a major couples researcher. * Criticism is usually the culprit of other destructive behaviors. When someone hears criticism, they have a natural response to feel defensive or to shut down. In more extreme cases, criticism leads to feelings of hurt and disdain.
“Even in stable, happy relationships: When conflict begins with hostility, defensive sequences result” ~ John M. Gottman
How do we get into this mess? Many of us lead with a complaint or criticism when we talk to our partner about a concern. However, underneath the complaint or criticism, we have an important need, feeling, or desire.
Many of us are sensitive to criticism. Being criticized brings up feelings of feeling bad, being in the wrong, inadequacy, shame, hurt, injustice, etc. We get defensive and push back on the critical statement, by providing evidence as to why the critical statement is not true.
EXAMPLE: * Husband: “You never clean the kitchen.” * Wife: “Yes, I do. I just cleaned the kitchen last night.” * Husband: “Sure, you cleaned the kitchen once and you expect that to mean you carry your load.” * Wife: “What! You don’t think I carry the load in our family.” * Now they are off and running. As you can see, the conversation is escalating quickly. The couple is reacting and defending, which could easily lead to attacking each other. Yet, they are not addressing the underlying needs or concerns.
Over and over again, I see examples of this being played out in love relationships. The complaint or criticism could be about a whole number of issues, like:
- Amount of time spent together
- The quality or quantity of the sexual connection
- How decisions are getting made
- Financial approach, process, and standing
- Chores and responsibilities
- Handling extended family, etc.
One person addresses a concern without knowing what their underlying need is and they approach their partner by criticizing them. Their partner gets defensive and the cycle ensues. They are missing each other. They are not talking about the most important aspects of the issue. Thus, the conversation escalates and both partners leave the conversation feeling attacked, misunderstood, and lonely.
This dynamic can be particularly difficult when one or both partners are feeling threatened on a deeper level. Feeling threatened can activate a person’s fight, flight, or freeze response as well as attachment insecurities. The importance of the need can vary in intensity. It can be helpful to ask each other, “how important is this to you, on a scale from 1 to 10?”
Most of us want our partner to just get it and interpret what we are saying and feeling, even though we are not explicitly stating it. Can you imagine how the conversation would be different with these statements if they were communicated at the beginning of the conversation?
EXAMPLES: A concern about time:
- Fear/worry/feeling: I am worried you don’t enjoy spending time with me.
- Desire: I would like to spend some time with you.
- Need: I want to feel close and connected to you.
A concern about sex:
- Fear/worry/feeling: I feel sad when you don’t want to make love.
- Desire: I want to feel connected with you sexually.
- Need: I want to have a healthy sex life.
A concern about decision-making:
- Fear/worry/feeling: I feel angry when you make big decisions without me.
- Desire: I want us to come together when we have big decisions to make.
- Need: I want to feel equality in our relationship.
I help clients go through the process of identifying how they feel, take ownership for their experience, and voice their desires and feelings to their partner. The shift is powerful!!! The communication is clean and clear. Their partner can actually hear the message directly and more openly, without getting defensive.
Next week, I will offer you tips on how to shift criticism into powerful communication. I will also talk about the benefits of creating a more constructive and non-critical learning environment for your relationship.
Are you interested in getting support to end constant criticism in your relationship? If so, you can contact me here. Let’s have a conversation to see how I might be able to help. No obligations.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship! I believe in your relationship success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.
Getting a “no” can be incredibly painful as it can bring up rejection issues in relationships. In this podcast episode, you will learn what happens when you get a frequent “no” in a love relationship and how you can deal with that “no” in a more healthy and non-threatening way.
(Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)
WHAT IS A “NO?” * Emotionally checking out or emotionally leaving the relationship * Ultimatums and doubts, such as “yes – but” * Break-up or divorce
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE GET A “NO” * People feel triggered and activated by love. * People don’t know how to deal with their reactions so they behave unskillfully. * People don’t have a growth mindset – where they can see their love relationship as an opportunity for healing, integration, or development.
HOW TO DEAL WITH REJECTION IN LOVE RELATIONSHIPS * Know yourself – better understand what you desire and what you want. * Value yourself – value your worth, qualities, and contributions. * Be a “yes” to you – accept and stand for what you want and desire.
MENTIONED: * Enchanted Love, by Marianne Williamson (book) * What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship (article) * Nine Destructive Behaviors To Avoid During Relationship Conflict (article)
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in eliminating rejection issues in your love relationship! I believe in your relationship success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.
LISTENING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP Applying listening skills in an intimate relationship is not realistic in every moment you are together. However, if you can show up for your partner on occasion (especially when they have strong feelings about something) then this type of deep listening can transform the quality of your relationship, helping you feel closer, connected, and more intimate.
It’s easy to think you are listening but are you really? When you know your partner so well, it is likely you can look at them and read their cues and have a pretty good sense of what is going on. However, if you don’t pause to deeply listen, you can get into the position of assuming or missing your partner completely.
(This page contains my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)
LISTENING IN RELATIONSHIP IS NOT: * Waiting to talk * Interrupting * Judging or evaluating * Offering advice or solutions * Agreeing or disagreeing * Assuming you know * Multitasking, being distracted, or preoccupied
HOW TO LISTEN BETTER IN A RELATIONSHIP: * Offer your undivided attention, where your focus is exclusively on your partner and you are giving your full attention * Give good eye contact * Be engaged and offer non-verbal cues (i.e. head nodding, utterances) * Be present – focus on the here and now * Be available and receptive * Offer genuine interest and curiosity * Be patient * Appreciate your partner’s perspective * Seek to understand and look for the sense and positive aspect.
BENEFITS OF LISTENING SKILLS IN RELATIONSHIP: * Keeps you from getting defensive * Helps you suspend judgement * Prevents misunderstandings * Helps you gain new information, as well as learn something new * Offers the opportunity to find a shared goal or common ground * Helps your partner know they will feel heard and understood * Helps your partner feel important, special, and that they matter to you * Demonstrates you are there for them * Creates intimacy, closeness, and strengthens the emotional bond * Offers goodwill
HOW TO LISTEN BETTER IN A RELATIONSHIP: Ask for the time
- Be explicit and state your desire for listening – don’t want feedback or suggestions.
- Do not interrupt your partner’s activity and expect or demand that they listen immediately. You want to offer respect and consideration while asking for a moment of their time.
- If your partner is wanting your attention right away and you need more time to respond, state that you need a moment to think about it.
- Try to listen only when you are in a good position. If you have limited energy to give, schedule another time.
HOW TO OFFER ACTIVE LISTENING IN RELATIONSHIP. HERE ARE SOME RESPONSES TO CONSIDER: * “I am interested in what you are saying, would you like to say more? Can you tell me more?” * Ask a question to learn more. * Offer reflection of the content and emotion. “Wow, that sounds frustrating.” “I am getting that ______.” * Check out what you are hearing, or clarify “So, you are saying is ___________.” * “If I imagine myself in that situation, I would feel ________________.” * “What is the hardest part? What is the most significant part to you?” * “What are you really wanting me to get?”
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
― Maya Angelou
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in how to listen better in a relationship! I believe in your relationship success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.
HOW TO BALANCE WORK AND LOVE LIFE
These are my podcast show notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
Last week, I interviewed Dr. Jenev Caddell, She specializes in helping entrepreneurs balance work and relationships. She talked about the importance of making your relationship a priority, especial during busy work times. Today, I would like to share a few more tips.
Today, I would like to go into a little more depth. Here are some tips to consider:
- TRUST * Find a balance between security and growth.
- Security allows you to take risks and grow.
- Being resourced
- Reassurance (“This is temporary. We are going to get through this.”)
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Belief (“We love each other. We are strong.”)
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COMMUNICATION * “I’m not going to be as available for a period of time”
- Talk about ways to work together
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Be mindful about checking in and inviting communication
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AGREEMENTS * Negotiate new agreements for clear expectations
- Follow through with your commitments (commit to less)
- Say things like, “Let me know if this isn’t working for you.”
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Say other things like, “Let me know when you need me”
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EFFORT * Demonstrate regard, consideration, and care when you can
- Be conscious of your actions and contributions
- Say words of acknowledgment
- Make time to be present
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Give your undivided attention
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AWARENESS OF STRESS * Reference the Stress Response Curve
- Recognize your cues –emotionally (irritable, quick to anger, overwhelmed), mentally (distracted, preoccupied), physically(shortness of breath, muscle tension, bumping into things, accident prone), socially (less connected and close, less positive interactions)
- Work to destress and find balance
- Do Self-care (sleep, nutrition, physical activity)
- Take breaks (time to disconnect, get away, get some perspective)
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Be aware of your breathing patterns
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RECONNECT * Allow time (not going to happen right away)
- Communicate desire
- Be available
- Be patient
- Debrief
- Appreciate one another
FREE VIDEO SERIES: Gain Instant Access to the 7 Biggest Pitfalls To Relationship Success & How To Overcome Them – Free Video.
MENTIONED: * Learn more about the Five Love Languages (article) * The 5 Love Languages, By Gary Chapman (book) * The Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory (assessment) * Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast)
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in how to balance your work and love life! I believe in your relationship success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.
BALANCING WORK AND RELATIONSHIPS
These are my podcast show Notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
Dr. Jenev Caddell is a love & success coach and clinical psychologist who helps entrepreneurs be happier in love. She believes that entrepreneurs are responsible for changing the world, and with rock solid relationships, they can do this even more effectively.
Jenev is the author of Your Best Love: The Couples Workbook and Guide to Their Best Relationship and founder of www.mybestrelationship.com.
In this podcast episode, Dr. Jenev Caddell talks with us about the new science of love and connection. She shares important tips on how to strengthen your bond and how to make your relationship a priority, thus bringing a balance of work and relationships.
Jevev helps us explore the question “ARE you there for me?”
- Accessibility – are you reachable and available?
- Responsiveness – are you responding to your partner?
- Engaged – are you emotionally present for your partner?
When you can answer “yes” to these questions with your partner, you can build a solid and strong foundation together as a couple.
FREE VIDEO SERIES: Gain Instant Access to the 7 Biggest Pitfalls To Relationship Success & How To Overcome Them – Free Video.
MENTIONED: * The Significance Of Your Significant Other (article) * Soothing the Threatened Brain (video) * Hold Me Tight (book) * Still Face Experiment (video) * Thriving In Business And Love (Facebook Group)
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in balancing work and relationships! I believe in your success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.
OVERCOMING LIFE CHALLENGES AND DIFFICULT TIMES
These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
Bruce Van Horn is a dad, bestselling author, speaker, thought leader, transformational life coach, business owner, marathon runner, and cancer conqueror. He is also the host of “Life Is A Marathon,” a popular internet radio show (podcast) with listeners in over 187 countries around the world. Bruce loves sharing his life experiences and respected insight to help people overcome life challenges and difficult times. Bruce loves people and loves coaching them to become the fullest expression of who they were created to be. He lives in Richmond, Virginia.
In this episode, Bruce teaches us some critical keys to overcoming life challenges and difficult times. He shares his personal adversity story in great depth, with authenticity, and whole-heartedness.
Gain Instant Access to Relationship Skills No One Ever Taught You – Free Video Series.
MENTIONED: * Bruce Van Horn * Life Is A Marathon * Worry No More! 4 Steps to Stop Worrying and Start Living
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in overcoming life challenges and difficult times! I believe in your success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN THAT MAKE RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGING. These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
Kathryn Foster, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice in Ft Worth, Texas.With a masters degree in marriage family counseling and a Ph.D. in Psychology, she has practiced psychotherapy for 27 years. She is also the author of two novels of psychological interest- Sessions: Memoirs of a Psychotherapist and Finding My Way. She has written two nonfiction companion books to The Naked Truth About Men (And Romance). They are What Women Want….Really! (written for men but meant to be read by couples) and When Your Relationship Changes (how to find strength).
GET MY FREE EBOOK: 7 COMMON RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS AND HOW TO FIX THEM Instant Access
COMMON FOR MEN: * High in testosterone * Hunters * Lower in empathy * Less verbal communication * Sex is emotional closeness
COMMON FOR WOMEN: * High in oxytocin * Nurturers and care givers * High in empathy * More verbal communication * Language helps to feel emotionally close.
Dr. Kathryn Foster talks with us about some very important biological and hormonal differences between men and women, which impacts our language, emotions, needs, and desires in relationship. All of these difference influence the way we seek connection and what we expect in a relationship. Women primarily want to feel emotionally close through talking and sharing, and men primarily want to feel emotionally close through sexual intimacy.
MENTIONED: * Dr. Kathryn Foster * The Naked Truth About Men (And Romance) * What Women Want….Really!: A pocketbook guide for men * The Sex Starved Marriage – TED Talk
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in how should a man act in a relationship! I believe in your success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.
HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
On the episode, I mentioned a free gift for how to improve your relationship. Click on the button below to get my free Ebook.
SEND ME A FREE GUIDE
THIS PODCAST EPISODE IS A RESPONSE TO A QUESTION ASKED BY KEN, A LISTENER: “If you struggle with what the “folks” go through, what chance do we have? You are the bastion of knowledge and I would presume you have the skills to handle situations as they arise.”
Here’s my answer:
- HAVING SKILL DOESN’T TAKE AWAY THE DISCOMFORT. * Having skill and expertise doesn’t alleviate someone from having to go through the growth process in a romantic relationship.
- For example, a female OB/GYN physician has the skill, training, and expertise for delivering babies. However, if she gets pregnant, she is still going to have to go through the labor pain of giving birth just like any other mother.
- Being educated, trained, and experienced doesn’t take away the pain of growth in a relationship.
- Growth in a relationship often provides certain rites of passage. We have to learn and accomplish certain tasks before we can move to the next stage of love and relationship growth.
- Developmental Stages In Relationship (article).
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Stages Of Intimacy On Life Is A Marathon, with Bruce Van Horn (podcast).
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BELIEVE IN THE LONG-TERM RESULT. * Know that there is good to be gained on the other side of the current relationship challenge.
- Believe in the opportunity for relationship growth – more closeness, connection, and intimacy.
- Also, believe in personal growth, which allows for greater strength, wisdom, and character.
- Having a relationship model to believe in is helpful. Many of us do not have a good model for how to improve a relationship, in that we do not want to model our relationship after examples we see in the media or within our communities.
- Having a relationship model provides the opportunity and awareness that there is something greater beyond any current relationship challenge or circumstance.
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You are more prone for relationship success if you want the long-term result more than the immediate relief of discomfort.
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BELIEVE IN THE PROCESS. TRUST THE PROCESS. * Often, what we resist persists.
- Trying to fight the challenge only causes more pain.
- We might have the impulse to doubt and give up, but if we trust the process, then we are much more willing to stay the course.
Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin. Beginning makes the conditions perfect.-Alan Cohen
- DECIDE * Do you have enough evidence to know the old ways do not work?
- Commit to self. Not to partner.
- Practice. Over and over again.
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Commit to the path of learning how to improve your relationship.
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DEAL WITH THE DISCOMFORT * It is normal to feel uncomfortable.
- However, you can’t avoid the discomfort. You can try to ignore it, but it will not go away. You can try to fight it, but it will not go away.
- Befriend the process. The more comfortable you can be with being uncomfortable, the more comfortable you will be.
- Deal with the unknown.
- Gather resources.
We are all on the path of growth in life and relationship.
MENTIONED: * Podcast series in how to deal with difficult conversations with your significant other. * Episode 24 * Episode 25 * Episode 26 * Episode 28 * Episode 29
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in how to improve your relationship! I believe in your success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching with me.
HOW TO KEEP THE SPARK IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
Experts in sexual energy + long-lasting committed partnerships, Drs. Rob + Janelle Alex, Ph.D. are mentoring couples around the globe. They are best selling authors, speakers, and hosts of the Mission Date Night podcast. Being passionate about the secret intelligence of relationships, secret animal powers, and transcendent lovemaking, Rob and Janelle are obliterating long-standing relationships myths.
HOW TO RESPARK YOUR RELATIONSHIP: * Keep the “mystery” going. * Stay invested in your individual growth. * Focus on the importance of nurturing your relationship.
MISSION DATE NIGHT OFFERS YOU A CHALLENGE TO: * Work together. * Be playful. * Be creative. * Learn together. * Let go together.
THINGS TO DO TO KEEP THE SPARK IN A RELATIONSHIP: * Emotional connection supports great sexual intimacy. * An amazing sex life supports your emotional connection. * Relationship is the greatest opportunity to grow. * Sexuality has the opportunity to open you spirituality.
MENTIONED: * Mission Date Night * Mission Date Night Podcast * Transcendent Sex: When Lovemaking Opens the Veil, by Jenny Wade, PhD.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in how to keep the spark in your relationship! I believe in your success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.
COMMON MARRIAGE ISSUES PART II These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
Over the last several weeks, I have been addressing a listener’s question. She essentially asked, “What do you do when you have gotten into a pattern of not avoiding the Nine Destructive Behaviors in relationship conflict? Also, how do you deal with past hurts in communication as well?”
To answer her question, I first addressed The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts. In my next podcast, I talked about Being The Best You Can Be In Relationship. The third podcast, I discussed How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship.
Last week, I talked about How To Clear An Issue With Your Partner. I discussed examples of common marriage issues and the 7 important elements to successful communication- when you have an issue with your partner. I mentioned this exercise titled A Step-By-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication. Today, I am continuing the conversation of How To Clear An Issue With Your Partner.
- DO YOUR INDIVIDUAL PREPARATION WORK. * Get clear within yourself first. What is your concern or issue? How do you feel? What is your need or desire?
- Getting clear will be helpful to you when you communicate and it will be tremendously helpful to your partner as well.
- Being clear will help your communication be more effective and efficient. You will be able to allocate more time and energy to create a positive outcome.
- It is okay to want space to explore your feelings with your significant other. However, I would let “being listened to” be the goal for the first conversation. It may be too much to address the process of exploring how you feel AND then to try and resolve your concerns all in one sitting. This is especially true if your partner has a limited capacity to process with you (i.e. not their natural style of communication).
- Sometimes gender differences play a role in this aspect of communication. Men stereotypically have a difficult time with long process-oriented style of communication.
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If you are interested in taking some time to get clear before addressing an issue with your partner, here is a good reference tool.
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SCHEDULE TIME TO MEET. * Ask your spouse for some time to talk.
- Getting your partner’s permission ahead of time will help set the conversation up for success. Your partner will be more engaged and willing to participate when there is an agreement rather than an imposition.
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Being on the same page with your agreement will help promote clear communication and reduces expectations, demands, overwhelm and disappointment.
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IDENTIFY THE TERMS. * What is your intention as a couple (i.e. clear communication, understanding)?
- What is your individual goal (i.e. perspective taking, learning, empathy)?
- What is your intention for self-accountability (i.e. try to have an open mind)?
- Create safety. At any point, you and your partner can stop the conversation. You can revisit the conversation when you are both ready to re-engage.
- Plan for an estimated amount of time (i.e. 30 min to 50 mins). You can always plan for another time.
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Choose one topic to address. Stay with the one topic. If more topics come up, take a note and schedule more time in the future.
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MANAGE YOUR LEVEL OF DEFENSIVENESS. * Recognize your window of opportunity.
- Strive to remain open, calm, and present.
- Be honest when you are starting to get triggered and defensive. Take a break or end the conversation if you need to.
- What helps you refocus if you start to get defensive? What is the long-term result that you desire with your partner (i.e. more connection, strength, resolution, and closeness)?
Respect is one of the greatest expressions of love. ~ Don Miguel Ruiz
- PRACTICE THE COMMUNICATION EXERCISE. * See this article for the full exercise.
- Decide who will share first and who will listen first.
- Person sharing speaks from a self-referenced place. See examples in full exercise.
- Person listening seeks to really understand, not to agree or condone. See examples in full exercise.
- Person sharing describes experience, feelings, needs and/or desires.
- Person listening reflects back what they hear, stays curious, and checks out what they hear to make sure they are getting the right understanding.
- Listener asks questions until a deeper understanding and learning has been gained.
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When the person sharing feels heard and understood, then you can switch roles. You may need a second meeting to fully complete the process.
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GAIN A NEW UNDERSTANDING. * By taking time with this exercise, you and your partner will most likely gain more understanding and perspective about each other’s experience.
- The goal is to resolve common marriage issues by having a new learning and understanding- by postponing your position to really get into your partner’s worldview.
- Once you have established a new understanding, you will be prepared to engage in a new level of communication.
- When you and your partner truly feel heard, understood, and validated, you will most likely feel a sense of closeness, warmth, and connection.
This exercise takes effort, investment, and practice. If you are interested in getting support for implementing these tools, please contact me for relationship coaching or to enroll in a couples course.
MENTIONED ON THIS EPISODE: * A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article) * Susan Johnson’s Hold Me Tight and Love Sense. * Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. * Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements and The Mastery of Love.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in resolving common marriage issues! I believe in your relationship success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
COMMON MARRIAGE ISSUES These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
Over the last few weeks, I have been addressing a listener’s question. She basically asked, “What do you do when you have gotten into a pattern of not avoiding the Nine Destructive Behaviors in relationship conflict? Also, how do you deal with past hurts in this regard.”
To answer her question, I first addressed The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts. In my next podcast, I talked about Being The Best You Can Be In Relationship. Third in the podcast series, I discussed How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship.
Today, I am talking about How To Clear An Issue With Your Spouse/Partner. Basically, I am discussing the 7 important elements to successful communication when you are having an issue with your partner. The exercise I refer to in this episode is A Step-By-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication.
HOW TO CLEAR COMMON MARRIAGE ISSUES: 1. LEARN TO TAKE PERSPECTIVE * The purpose of this communication exercise is to take perspective. * As you genuinely put yourself in your partner’s shoes, you can gain new understandings and awarenesses you would have not otherwise gained. * You and your partner will feel emotionally closer and connected as you both share and authentically listen to one another.
- DON’T INITIATE THE CONVERSATION WITH A ONE TRACK MIND * You get stuck because you want your spouse/partner to validate and acknowledge your experience.
- You want them to take ownership for their impact on you and you want them to be understanding and sympathetic to your feelings.
- However, if you lead with trying to get them to take ownership, it is likely they will push back and be defensive.
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If both of you are wanting to be heard at the same time, then you can get stuck in a power struggle.
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REPRIORITIZE THE GOAL * If your goal is to have more understanding and resolution, then it is important to shift the priority (from trying to be heard exclusively) to engaging in a process together.
- Ideally, you will both be working towards the common goal.
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It is almost like the adult version of sharing when you do not want to.
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LEARN THIS NEW LANGUAGE TOGETHER * Communication is a two-way process.
- There is a sender and a receiver.
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It isn’t communication if the receiver can’t understand the message. It would be like speaking a foreign language to someone but they cannot understand you.
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RECOGNIZE THE WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY * There is a small window of opportunity to practice this exercise.
- If you are too upset, you may be too defensive and triggered to be open to learning.
- “Do I want to find resolution?” If “yes,” then proceed. If “no,” then take some space.
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Only you can decide if you will fully participate.
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MOTIVATION * What comes first: inspiration and motivation or taking action on a task that you don’t really want to do (i.e. cleaning chore or homework assignment)?
- People who think motivation comes first tend to procrastinate. If you wait for inspiration or motivation, it may never come.
- Motivation often comes after taking action.
“Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have — and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up.” ~ James Belasco and Ralph Stayer
- THIS EXERCISE IS HARD! * It takes a great deal of strength to tolerate your discomfort to be present to your partner’s pain, especially when your partner has an issue with you.
- This is part of the growing, developing, and maturing that relationship/marriage offers us.
- Knowing you will feel closer, more connected, intimate, and bonded will help inspire you to put forth the effort.
MENTIONED: * A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication * Video clip from “This Is 40”. * Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg.
Be sure to check out next week’s episode where we will continue this conversation of How To Clear Common Marriage Issues.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in resolving common marriage issues! I believe in your relationship success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP These my Empowered Relationship podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
Dr. Corey Allen and I had a great conversation talking about Asking For What You Want & Getting It.
Dr. Corey Allen is a husband, father, author, speaker, as well as a Marriage and Family Therapist and a Licensed Professional Counselor with a Ph.D. in Family Therapy.
“GROWING UP” IN RELATIONSHIP: * Marriage is designed to help us grown up * Growth does not have to be a threat * We can use experiences (good and bad) as a practice ground * “Get out of the harbor” to gain more skill and mastery * Dr. David Schnarch and his work for passionate marriages * Intimacy & Desire book written by Dr. David Schnarch
MIND MAPPING: * Predicting what your partner is thinking and what they are going to do * Do you allow yourself to be read?
GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY: * Know what you want is okay. Practice self-validation * Work with your fear of asking for what you want * Asking is half the battle. Our fear is usually worse than reality
HOW ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP: * Know what you want * Give yourself permission to ask * Be in the practice of asking
DIFFICULT DYNAMICS WE GET INTO IN A RELATIONSHIP: * Placating * Complacency * Subtle manipulation – we all want things a certain way * Obligation * Expectation
MUTUAL RESPONSIBILITY: * “Call it out.” You can dramatically change the dynamic in the relationship * How important is this to you? * See varying levels of desire between partners, as merely a difference * Be honest about what you want * Be clear about what you want
RECEIVE: * Be present * Breathe * Try to enjoy * “Let your partner do their job”
SUMMARY: * Figure out where you get in your own way * Get out of your own way * Let your partner do their job, while you do your job * “Get out of the harbor”
MENTIONED: * Simple Marriage * Sexy Marriage Radio + Assume your wife is the most spontaneous, adventurous woman on the face on the planet + Her job is to say, “no” to anything that she is not interested in + When you do hear “no,” refer back to number one- 3 Simple Rules For Fantastic Sex (For Men)
Be sure to check out next week’s topic, How To Clear Issues With Your Partner.
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in how to get what you want in a relationship. I believe in your relationship success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
HOW TO OVERCOME HURT IN A RELATIONSHIP These are my Empowered Relationship podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
Over the last few weeks, I have been addressing a listener’s question. She essentially asked, “What do you do when you have gotten into a pattern of not avoiding the Nine Destructive Behaviors in relationship conflict? Also, how do you deal with past hurts, in this regard.”
To answer her question, I first addressed The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts. In my next podcast, I talked about Being The Best You Can Be In Relationship. Today, I am discussing How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship.
FORGIVENESS Forgiveness can seem like a vague, fluffy, and confusing term.
WHAT DOES FORGIVENESS REALLY MEAN? Forgiveness is like cleaning the windshield to your heart. Often, we are walking around with resentments, grudges, and bitterness, which gets in the way of our ability to be open, present, and happy in a relationship.
Arlene F. Harder writes, “To forgive another person does not mean you will forget what happened or that the person is not responsible for what he did or that you need to bring him back into your life. To forgive another doesn’t even need to mean the other person knows you’ve forgiven him or her. To forgive another simply means you no longer allow another person’s actions or words to cause you resentment, anger and pain. To forgive means you acknowledge that while you would have preferred the other person to act or speak differently, you accept that person just as he is. To not forgive another means you continue to hold onto your resentment, anger and pain over another’s actions by essentially demanding the other person be someone other than who that person knew (or knows) how to be.”
TIME TO GRIEVE: When something upsetting happens, it is natural, healthy, and important to give yourself adequate time to feel your emotions. Usually, people take a few hours to a few days for smaller issues and up to several months for bigger grievances.
At some point, you may notice your emotional process switch from feeling genuinely sad and upset to feeling resentment and bitterness. While anger can be an important part of the grieving process, there is a difference between being genuinely angry and holding a grudge.
If you notice that you are harboring ill feelings towards someone, you may be letting the issue impact your life negatively. Resentments, bitterness, and grudges can overshadow your life- tainting your ability to be happy, positive, and healthy.
- WHAT ARE YOU HOLDING ON TO? * What is getting in the way of your ability to love fully or openly?
- What is getting in the way of your ability to feel positive and happy in your relationship?
- What interactions or experiences do you still have issue with?
- Write a list of resentments and hurts.
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Do you notice any themes?
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WHAT RESENTMENTS, EXPECTATIONS, ATTACHMENTS, OR BELIEFS DO YOU HAVE ABOUT THE ISSUE? * What are your take aways (i.e. beliefs)?
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Examples:
- “You shouldn’t express your anger like that?”
- “You are too sensitive. I can bring up anything with you.”
- “You are looking out for yourself. I don’t trust you.”
- “You care more about your way and being right. You don’t really care about me.”
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WHAT DO YOU NEED IN ORDER TO MOVE FORWARD? TO BE STRONGER? * Forgiveness exercise, by Arlene F. Harder.
- Acceptance.
- Boundaries.
- New agreements.
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New understanding.
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BE OPEN TO A NEW PERSPECTIVE. * By practicing forgiveness or acceptance, you may see the person in a different light.
- By practicing forgiveness or acceptance, you may see the situation in differently.
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New awareness.
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COME TO TERMS. * Release attachment.
- Forgive for Good.
- The Sunflower: On the Possibilities and Limits of Forgiveness (Newly Expanded Paperback Edition).
- Accept.
- Let go of what no longer serves (surrender).
- Assume new learning and perspective
If you are too focused on the past, you cannot live fully in the present. Forgiveness is a practice. You do not need to let upsetting incidents stay with you forever. You can develop more skill in dealing with hurts and resentments moving forward.
I would love to hear your thoughts. Do you have points to add to the conversation? Please leave me a comment below.
Mentioned:
Utilize the power of a “Do Over,”
Next week’s topic is How To Clear Issues With Your Partner.
If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to overcome hurt in a relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
“What do you do when you have gotten into a pattern of not avoiding the Nine Destructive Behaviors in relationship conflict?”
Most people can remember a time when they did or said something during a conflict that they did not feel good about. Unfortunately, it is all too easy to react and find yourself behaving unskillfully.
Furthermore, we all go through the power struggle phase in relationship. While it can be a painful process, it is all a part of the development of a normal and healthy relationship.
Every master was once a disaster. ~ T. Harv Eker
In last week’s episode, The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts, I talked about the importance of making a decision for integrity over the relationship in times of distress. On a plane, we are instructed to put on our oxygen mask first before helping anyone else (in an emergency situation). For some of us, this seems like a very counter intuitive practice, especially when you image sitting next to someone you love dearly that needs your assistance. It almost seems selfish. However, if you think a few steps down the road, you can see the wisdom. How can you protect and help the person you love if you are passed out from lack of oxygen?
If you are experiencing conflict with your significant other and you notice the pattern of a downward spiral, you are not going to be of any use to the interaction by participating in the conflict dynamic. The best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is to put on your oxygen mask – in this case, the oxygen mask is your emotional health and integrity. It may seem like you are leaving your partner high and dry, but experience and research show that very little good is going to come from continuing to engage in the same problematic patterns.
We put emotional health and integrity into motion by taking action. These steps are a practice. Like any other healthy practice (i.e. eating healthy and staying physically active), we are going to love it at times and hate it at times. But all in all we know the long-term results are worth the struggle at times. We want to feel greater love, harmony, and relationship satisfaction. As with any practice, we are aiming for improvement, betterment, and progress, not perfection.
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STOP REFEREEING. In relationship, we are so focused on the wrong doing of our partner and we react and take issue with something they did or said. We are like relationship police officers, blowing the whistle on each other and trying to write tickets to each other. In Dr. Fred Luskin’s book, Forgive for Good, he talks about people having a metaphorical glove compartment full of unassigned tickets. We can’t assign the tickets so they end up building up, essentially building up resentment and bitterness.
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PLAY YOUR GAME. * Focus on your part.
- Don’t “play down”.
- Have the right mind-set.
- The story we tell ourselves is critical to our effort and play.
- Utilize a “Do Over“.
If you think you can or you think you can’t you are right. ~ Henry Ford.
- BELIEVE IN THE WIN. * To win is to do the best you can.
- A double win is when you do the best you can and your partner does the best that he/she can. Together you will work toward a mutually beneficial resolution and feel good about your progress.
- Believe in the benefit of doing your part.
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In doing the best you can, you will feel good about your behavior, effort, and process.
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KNOW YOUR BOUNDS. * Know your boundaries and limits.
- Set the standard.
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What is “in bounds” and what is “out-of-bounds” for you?
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DON’T PLAY OUTSIDE OF BOUNDS. * “Don’t go for balls that are out-of-bounds.”
- Be clear about your limits.
- Let your partner know about your new limit (communicate if you are setting something new into place).
- Do not engage or give attention to behaviors you are not okay with.
- Refrain, redirect, or walk away.
- Follow-through.
- Be consistent.
- You will prevent harm from happening.
- Examples of what you can say for each of the Nine Destructive Behaviors:
- Name calling & character attacks: “I’d like to hear you. However, if you are going to name call, I am going to leave the conversation.”
- Criticism: “I am interested in what you have to say and what your experience is. However, I am not interested in being criticized.”
- Silent treatment: “It seems like you are upset. I care but I am not going to chase you about it. When you are ready to talk, would you please let me know?” (No, reply.) “Okay. Please let me know when you would like to talk. I would like to hear what you are feeling.” Check-in but do not give attention for silent treatments.
- Assuming: “Sounds like you have some ideas about what I might be thinking or feeling. Would you like to hear what I am thinking or feeling? Or Would you like to check it out with me? I’d like to tell you my experience if you would like to hear it.”
- Trying to be right: “It seems like we are getting caught in the trap of trying to be right? I am interested in the goal of working towards a resolution together. Are you interested in that? If not now let’s come back to this when we are both calmer.”
- Defensiveness: “I am feeling defensive. It seems like you are feeling defensive too. Is now a good time to talk? I am not sure if we are going to get anywhere right now.”
- Control tactics: “I would like to be able to finish my thought. I am having trouble being able to finish what I am saying. I would like to feel the space to talk as well as the space to listen. I am not interested in interrupting each other. Let’s come back to this another time.”
- Outburst of anger: “I don’t feel safe right now. I would like to listen to you but I can’t when I feel scared.”
On the next podcast episode, we will talk about how clear old hurts, build repair, and work toward forgiveness.
I would love to hear your thoughts. Do you have points to add to the conversation? Please leave me a comment below.
Mentioned: Be sure and check out The Art Of Mindful Wealth Summit. Listen and learn from over 24 world-class inspiring wealth and abundance experts sharing how you can hit the reset button and live with greater meaning, purpose and fulfillment!
If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for your interest in being your best in a relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review of my Empowered Relationship podcast. Please leave your review here.
Thank you!
Conflict is normal, natural, and a healthy part of a long-term, intimate relationship. Yet, it is all too common to get stuck in power struggles and painful conflict patterns, which can lead to negativity loops, relationship dissatisfaction, and discontent.
How do you shift conflict patterns if they have been in effect for a while? How do you change the dynamic if you and your partner have been participating in unskillful or destructive behaviors?
If you didn’t read my article, Nine Destructive Behaviors To Avoid, you can find it here. Also, you can find the podcast, How To Stop The Drama, mentioned here.
“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not going to stay where you are.” — John Pierpont Morgan
- RECOGNIZE THE CONFLICT PATTERN * Look at your conflict history.
- What is the dance?
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What is the tendency?
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EXPLORE OTHER OPTIONS * Are there other approaches?
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CHOOSE A DIFFERENT PATH & MAKE A DECISION * When one person shifts, it shifts the whole dynamic.
- Shifting your priority to “right action” versus trying to resolve the issues in old ways.
“Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching.” C. S. Lewis
- Integrity is doing the right thing, even when your partner is not.
- Commit to yourself. What do you want long-term with your partner?
- Honor your integrity. Have a clear conscience by doing the very best you can.
- Might be a solo journey for the moment.
- Gain self-respect.
- Trust yourself. You know how to handle yourself when things get tough.
- Trust the relationship.
- Foster maturity, strength, and positivity.
Stay tuned for the next episode to learn how to put these principles into action.
I would love to hear your thoughts about your experience with conflict in relationships. Do you have points to add to the conversation? Please leave me a comment below.
Mentioned: Be sure and check out The Art Of Mindful Wealth Summit. Listen and learn from over 24 world-class inspiring wealth and abundance experts sharing how you can hit the reset button and live with greater meaning, purpose and fulfillment!
If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for your interest in exploring my relationship conflict resolution tips.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review of the Empowered Relationship podcast. Please click here.
Thank you!
If you have ever experienced a time when your significant other is experiencing pain or difficulty for any length of time, then you know – it is extremely challenging to stay balanced, positive, and constructive.
As much as you would like to take their pain or difficulty away, you cannot make it better for them or do their work for them. All you can do is take care of your side of things and show-up in the best way possible.
Here are some tips to help you be more effective:
- HOLD SPACE FOR STRENGTH & GROWTH: * Be compassionate and empathize.
- Offer support in ways that might be helpful. If you would like more resources on how to be supportive, then check out this podcast.
- If your partner is having a negative outlook, don’t buy into the victim story.
- Hold a mindset that your partner is growing, learning, and is in process.
- Believe in your partner. Believe in your partner’s strength and capabilities.
- Don’t participate with the bad behavior. Set limits. See #3
“The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.”– Ulysses S. Grant
- BE A SAFE PERSON. * In relationship, partners are often very sensitive to each other’s criticism, judgment, and disappointment.
- Even if you want to see “better behavior” from your partner, judging and criticizing will not help. (If you have issues, try address them constructively.)
- Try and think positive thoughts about your partner. Catch overly critical thoughts and judgments. Remember your partner is trying.
- Communicate with tact and kindness.
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Offer genuine care, regard, and consideration, when possible.
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TAKE A STAND FOR HEALTH: * Set standards for yourself. What you are willing to participate in and what you are not willing to participate in?
- Set limits based on things you can control. You cannot control your partner’s thoughts and behaviors. You can control what interactions and dynamics you invest your time, attention, and resources into.
- Listener’s example: Not wanting to open up a join checking account because of partner’s overspending. “I would love to open up a joint checking account, AND I want to feel solid in our ability to work together financially. I want to feel trusting of our ability to be on the same page.”
- “Would you be willing to talk about steps we can take together to get on the same page, work together, build solid foundation and trust together financially?
- For more on Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship, check out this podcast.
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My example: “I am not okay, with how things are going. Would you be willing to look for other strategies to deal with this difficultly? Get support?”
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STRIVE FOR INDIVIDUAL BALANCE & WELLNESS: * Allow yourself to be vulnerable in a healthy way.
- Honor your needs. Example: Need to feel nurtured – take a hot bath. Need for support. – spend time with a good friend.
- Be clear about your intentions and efforts with your partner.
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Invite your partner into something that would feel good to you. Be Specific.
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BE AVAILABLE FOR TRUE COMMUNICATION * Ask your partner for time to talk more openly. Decide when and where would be a good time. Have a heart-to-heart conversation.
- Take the role of the listener and really seek to understand. Take time. Be patient. Be present. Follow your partner’s pace of sharing.
- Use empathy – understanding your partner’s perspective.
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Understand your partner’s needs.
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BE AVAILABLE FOR TRUE COMMUNICATION AGAIN * Share your experience.
- Stay “on your side of the fence.”
- Know your needs.
- What are you willing to do to contribute to your needs being met?
- Invite your partner into a creative discussion about how to deal with this difficult time together as a couple.
“The greatest glory in living lies not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.”– Nelson Mandela
Mentioned: Be sure and check out The Art Of Mindful Wealth Summit. Listen and learn from over 24 world-class inspiring wealth and abundance experts sharing how you can hit the reset button and live with greater meaning, purpose and fulfillment!
I would love to hear your thoughts. Do you have points to add to the conversation? Please leave me a comment below.
If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
Last week, I started talking about the topic of How to feel more confident in Relationship. A listener asked me to talk about how to deal with social anxiety, awkwardness, and embarrassment.
Most of have felt some level of insecurity, inadequacy, or lack of confidence in relationship. Here are some tips to help you feel more capable, confident, and self-assured when relating to others:
If you missed the first episode, where I talked about the first three points, you can find it here.
FIRST THREE POINTS: 1. Be aware of your posture
2, Focus on your breath
3. Balance your thinking
- BEFRIEND YOURSELF * Be you, instead of trying to get it right (i.e. saying the “right thing” or doing the “right thing”).
- You are good enough.
- If someone doesn’t want to take the time to get to know you, then you probably do not want to invest your time and energy into that relationship.
- You want to cultivate relationships that are reciprocal and mutual.
- Be genuine and honest. People will appreciate it.
- Exercise: Pause. Ask yourself: What do I want to do or say right now? What is natural? What is the truth?
- Love being you. Enjoying yourself is extremely attractive.
“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” E.E. Cummings**
- BUILD SOCIAL SKILLS * Focus on the other person.
- Give eye contact.
- Ask genuine questions.
- Be curious.
- Exercise: Before going to a social event, have a few topics or questions prepared that you are interested in or would enjoy talking about.
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Great article: 12 Habits of exceptionally Likable People, by Dr. Travis Bradberry
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BETTER DESIGN * Know if you are highly sensitive.
- You can take a self-quiz to find out. Find it here.
- Knowing what social activities work for you rather than trying to fit into what others like. You may prefer to go for a hike or a quiet cafe versus a loud bar or restaurant.
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Exercise: Plan an social activity that you would like. Or if you plan to go to an event that is more overwhelming, take breaks (i.e. step outside for some fresh air or go for a quick walk) or give yourself permission to leave early.
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CREATE A HABIT: * New habits take time to develop.
- Learning something new can be uncomfortable and difficult.
- Give yourself the space to build new patterns.
- Pick one of the six areas to focus on over the next 30 days.
- Posture
- Breathe
- Balanced Thinking
- Befriend Yourself
- Build Social Skills
- Better Design
“Successful people have fear, successful people have doubts, and successful people have worries. They just don’t let these feelings stop them.” T. Harv Eker
Thank you for listening. If you have more ideas or thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment below.
If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
Most of have felt some level of insecurity, inadequacy or lack of confidence in relationship. Here are some tips to help you feel more capable, confident, and self-assured when relating to others:
BE AWARE OF YOUR BODY POSTURE: * Neurochemical response to your body posture – Ted Talk by Amy Cuddy * Shoulders back, chin up, or victory pose * Exercise: * Collapse your posture and look down and say “I feel sad.” * Look up and expand your chest and say “I feel sad.” * Exercise: * Walk with confidence. * Does it feel different?
FOCUS ON YOUR BREATH: * Diaphragm breathing * Anxiety comes from anticipating the future. * Be in the moment. Mindfulness. * Your power is now. * Use your five senses. What do I see, smell, hear, taste, and touch? * Slow it down * Feel your feet on the ground and feel your body to be more centered and solid.
BALANCE YOUR THINKING * Explore your Beliefs * Negative bias: interpreting negatively, ignoring or overlooking the positive. * Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think * Stress Thought Record exercise * Check assumptions * Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life * Possibility that people do care, You are interesting. You are attractive. You are lovable.
In the next episode, I will offer four more ways to cultivate confidence in yourself and in relationship.
Thank you for listening. If you have more ideas or thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment below.
If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
What is love? This may be more of a philosophical question or construct (conceptual or subjective), but we do have some information about types of love. Recently I wrote an article referencing the Triangular Theory Of Love and ancient greek words for love, before sharing my nine types of love in relationship. If you would like to read it, you can find it here.
Each person will define love differently, and how you define love is ultimately up to you to decide. You may be able to expand your definition of love and your capacity for love in relationship by considering these nine types of love.
These types of love do relate to the developmental stages in relationship. If you missed that article, you can check it out here.
This last February, Hallmark released a video series, titled Put Your Heart To Paper for a Valentines Day campaign. They asked couples to describe their love without using the word love. It was a very touching and creative exercise. How would you describe your love for your significant other without using the word “love?’
TYPES OF LOVE: 1. FONDNESS: Regard, devotion, appreciation, admiration, liking, adoring, and affection.
- Appreciation: “I love how you are kind, creative, and honest.”
- Gratitude: “I feel so lucky to be with you.”
- Value: “I respect and value you and your opinion.”
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Admiration: “I am proud to be your significant other.”
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PLAY: Enjoyment, creativity, flirting, fun, pleasure, and enjoying activities together.
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Fun: “I have so much fun with you.”
- Enjoyment: “I love being with you.” “I enjoy our time together.”
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Video mentioned (couple signing at the gas station).
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ROMANTIC: Special connection, ideals, loving, passionate, tender, and affectionate.
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Special: “You mean the world to me.”
- Ideals: “The world is perfect with you.”
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Tender: “You are my equal.”
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SEXUAL: Desire, physical intimacy, passion, eroticism, and chemistry.
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Physical intimacy: “I enjoy our physical connection.”
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Desire: “Your embrace awakens me.”
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SOULFUL: Depth of feeling and emotion, emotional intimacy, sharing, heart connection, spiritual connection, inspiration, and motivation.
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Inspiration: “You inspire me to be a better person.”
- Optimism: “You remind me that everything is going to be okay.”
- Expressing life: “I love how you are so full of life.”
- Heart connection: “My heart is bigger because of you.”
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Emotional intimacy: “I feel connected to you.”
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TRUST: Support, reliance, family, belonging, unconditional, loyalty, patience, and tolerance.
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Belonging: “You are home to me.”
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Supportive: “You are there for me. I can count on you.”
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TOGETHERNESS: Partnership, teamwork, comradery, common goals, working together, warm fellowship, and companionship.
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Partnership: “I love what we create together.”
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Companionship: “I feel so grateful to share life with you.”
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ALTRUISTIC: Selfless love, care and regard for your partner’s well-being, wishing well, and benevolence.
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Benevolence: “I want that for you.”
- Care for another’s well-being: “Namaste” – The light in me recognizes and acknowledges the light in you.
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Bruce Van Horn’s Life Is A Marathon
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SELF-LOVE: Regard for one’s own well-being and happiness, not being self-absorbed, but true regard and care for self.
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Knowing, loving, and honoring yourself.
- “To say ‘I love you’ one must know first how to say the ‘I'”. ~ Ayn Rand Quotes
- Expanding your capacity to give and receive love.
Building your repertoire of love will help you grow and experience more love within your relationships. You have the opportunity to cultivate and share in love at any moment and at any time.
Thank you for listening. If you have more ideas or thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment below.
If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
What is a “Do over?”
A “do over” is having or taking the opportunity to try something a second time.
Learning Curve
When we are learning something new, we rarely get it right the first time. Children playing together are a great example of what is possible with a “do over.” Children will commonly ask for a “do over” or freely ask to try again.
Many of us have the expectation that we should know how to address challenges in relationship effectively and skillfully without ever learning or gaining experience. Almost any skill requires negotiating a learning curve.
Reflective Listening Exercise
Many times I am inviting couples into a reflective listening exercise, which can feel like learning a foreign language. It takes practice and repetition before people start to feel comfortable with the skill. Many times, people feel intimidated or afraid of not getting it right. More than anything, I am giving clients permission to get it wrong. The exercise has a step that allows them to check it out with their partner to see if they got it right. Their partner will correct them if they got it wrong.
If you try this exercise, your partner will likely be grateful for your effort and willingness. They will probably be more gracious and generous than you might expect.
Fear & Worry
When we worry, we are often:
- anticipating a future event that seems difficult or overwhelming
- and don’t feel confident in how to meet the challenge.
One of the ineffective ways we deal with fear and worry is to avoid, but avoiding restricts our living and expression. Avoiding keeps us small, and keeps our relationship constricted.
A more effective approach to dealing with fear and worry in relationship involves being willing to try something new and to increase one’s skill and confidence.
Developing Skill Takes Practice.
Both negotiating difficult interactions in relationship and truth-telling take practice and the development of skill. Relationship dynamics can be incredibly tricky and complex. And yet, we feel we should know how to respond, without putting in the time to learn. We do not give ourselves the space and permission to practice in relationship. We are afraid of upsetting our partner, rocking the boat, or feeling inadequate. We can also feel worried about being dismissed or rejected.
If you have been listening to my previous podcasts, you probably have heard me say, challenges will arise in relationship. It is the way that we dealwith the challenges that determines our relationship experience and success.
If we choose to ignore the difficulty and let it go rather than circle back and address the issue, the we are missing a great opportunity.
If you still have feelings about something, it still has life. The emotions are still relevant, even if they occurred in the past. Time is often not linear in the emotional realm. Have you ever received a delayed thank you card? It still feels good, even if it is late.
CIRCLE BACK FOR A “DO OVER”. “Do overs” give us the opportunity to practice and improve our interactions in relationship. “Do overs” help us cultivate more connection and meaning with our loved ones. Here are some tips to support your next “do over:”
1. Pay attention.
- When an interaction seems off or doesn’t feel good, take notice.
- Were you uncertain of what to say, came on too strong, didn’t speak up, didn’t say what you meant, complained, or criticized?
2. What is true?
- What is true underneath the complaint, silence, or misstep?
- “I want…”
3. What could I have said that would have been more genuine and authentic?
- What would have been a more clear, truthful, and tactful way of communicating?
- What are some options of things you could have said that would have been more true?
- See what statement resonates the most.
4. Ask for a “do over”.
- Work up the courage to ask for a “do over” and try something new.
- “I would like a “do over” please.”
5. Capture the moment (and essence) and do it over.
- Be as authentic and genuine as possible.
- When you open and connect with what is true and meaningful, your partner will feel your sincerity and genuineness.
- “If I could have the opportunity to do that I again, here is what I would have said…”
- “Before, I wasn’t sure what to say. Now, that I have some time to think about it, here is what I would liked to have said…”
6. Feel the difference.
- Does the “do over” seem different in any way?
- How do you feel communicating the best way that you can?
- How does your partner respond? Recognize the impact you have to deeply affect others.
- Honoring and valuing the shared space you are creating with your partner.
Hopefully, you will find that the “do over” approach can be a powerful option to repair and correct missteps in relationship. Even more, I hope you feel the transformational connection with you partner, and that you both feel more known and deeply loved by each other.
Thank you for listening. If you have more ideas or thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment below.
If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
In this episode, we are exploring how to deal with feelings of anger in relationship.
Anger is a healthy, normal, and natural emotion. Anger is a cue. It lets us know that something is hurting us or has crossed a line. The way we deal with anger makes it destructive or constructive.
Anger is often a secondary emotion. Meaning, there is a primary emotion underneath the anger, like feeling hurt or scared. Anger usually shows up when we are feeling protective or defensive.
Stereotypically, men are more comfortable with anger than women. Men tend to be able to access the fight or dominant mode more easily. Women tend to avoid getting angry, as to not hurt someone’s feelings. Women will tend to prioritize the relationship over expressing their anger. Louann Brizendine discussed the neurological science behind these findings in The Female Brain.
Most of us do not know how to deal with anger effectively or constructively. With my clients, I sometimes ask them, “how was anger dealt with in your family growing up?” Most people say, “it wasn’t.” Or, some people will say, “not well.”
Here are some common ineffective approaches:
- Avoiding anger leads to more tension and build up within the relationship.
- Blowing up when angry can feel scary and unsafe to our partners.
- Passive aggression is confusing and hurtful to our partners
These methods result in little resolution and can negatively impact levels of trust and emotional safety within the relationship. Research shows that just venting and expressing anger is not that helpful, and that it can sometimes make us even more angry.
Learning constructive ways to dealing with our anger is critical. It promotes individual health and well-being. It supports the success and intimacy within relationship. A couple will be able to experience more resolution with their conflicts, and they will become stronger, closer, and more evolved as a couple (by dealing with anger constructively).
Choice point: How am I going to react or respond? How am I going to deal with this situation? How am I going to deal with my anger?
SIX STEP APPROACH: 1. Recognize:
- How do I know I am angry?
- Body sensations
- Thoughts
- Reactions
- Read Exploring The Feeling Of Irritability
2. Identify:
- How upset am I?
- Red zone: fight, flight, or freeze
- 1-10
- Traffic light
- Label or name it. “I am angry.”
- Regulate and calm the nervous system
- Slow down
- Breathing (6-2-7)
- Clear thinking
3. Inquiry:
- Seek to understand
- Be curious without blame
- What happened?
- What am I really angry about?
- Take global anger and look for specific content.
- Ask yourself what does this remind me of? Or what does this bring up for me? Look at the first thing that pops in your mind. How might this be related to my current situation?
4. Self-regard:
- Self compassion.
- Empathy video
- Blame video
5. Need:
- What did I need in this situation?
- What is my need?
- Example Exploring The Feeling Of Irritability
6. Moving forward:
- What could I do to get my needs met in the future?
- What can I ask for?
- What boundaries do I need to set?
Thank you for listening. If you have more ideas or thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment below.
If you missed my discussion of the Stages Of Intimacy on Bruce Van Horn’s podcast, Life Is A Marathon, you can check it out here. I had a great time talking with him.
If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
In this episode, we continue exploring what contributes to the experience of feeling lonely and disconnected in relationship. If you ...
Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
Here are some reasons why we feel lonely in relationship and what we can do about it.
We are defended and ...
In a recent study, Lee and his colleagues looked at the impact of a “unity” mindset versus a “journey” mindset on relationship satisfaction. Participants were asked to take a quiz, which exposed them ...
A listener submitted this topic for this week’s online relationship help episode, which is How To Stop The Drama In Relationship. We all probably have different definitions of “relationship drama,” but I am referring to ...
Don’t forget to take the Get To Know You Giveaway Survey, before April 30th, for the chance to win a $250 gift card to a nice dinner out or couples massage.
Dealing ...
Technological devices are a part of our lives. Most of us have smartphones and use them consistently throughout the day. They are impacting the quality of our relationships, our attention, and ability to be present.
Wedding Ceremony
In this episode, you will hear my husband, Reid Peterson, and I share a little bit about our journey and some of what has been significant to us over the last several years.
Recording this ...
In this episode, I share my personal story of falling in love and having relationship challenges. Hear how I dealt with it, what I learned, and what ultimately ended up happening for me.
Here are the ...
All too often, we avoid challenges in our relationship. Either we don’t know how to address our concerns skillfully or we are afraid of creating tension and upset. While we want to increase the likelihood ...
The Relational Approach emphasizes the priority of the relationship. It puts the focus on the quality of connection and bond, rather than any task or agenda at hand.
Here are 4 C’s to help you practice ...
Agreements help foster clarity, confidence, progress, and trust.
Setting up a conversation for success can be the most important part of being effective.
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STATING & ASKING
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Men will often use the language, “We should ________.”
- Women will often use the language, “Do you want to _______.”
-
Goal is to use transparent and clear language, like, “I would like _______. What do you want?
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CHECKING IT OUT & CLARIFYING
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Getting clear personally
- Being true and honest (not falling into the pattern of feeling obligated)
- Giving only what you have and being willing to say no.
- Getting to a win/win
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Using reflective listening. Here is an article that offers step-by-step guidance.
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BEING EXPLICIT ABOUT THE AGREEMENT
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Listening is not a form of an agreement
- Anchoring the agreement in time. For example, “Friday at 3pm let’s check-in. I will plan on doing ________.”
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This can be helpful because it is easy to get distracted, busy, and get into avoidance patterns.
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RENEGOTIATING, IF NEEDED
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You make the best agreement you can, and if something changes, you always have the opportunity to renegotiate.
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If you realize that you need to change some aspect of the agreement, give your partner a heads up and ask for a renewed agreement.
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HONOR YOUR PART
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If you take the time to be clear about what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do, then it will be much more likely that you can follow through and honor your word.
- This can increase positive feelings in the relationship as well as within yourself.
Thank you so much for investing in the process of improving your relationship skills. If you have a question that you would like me to answer, please leave me a voice message, by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you!
Our expectations inform how we relate and react to others. Usually, we don’t stop to look at why we have certain expectations and whether or not they serve our relationships. Even when our expectations go ...
Expectations can fuel and motivate how we relate and react to our partners. Commonly, we expect our partners to treat us in a particular way and love us in the way that we want to ...
What are the ways you offer support when your partner is having a difficult time? While most of us will have a few answers to this question, it may be another story in the heat of the moment. Picture your partner being very upset, see what happens for you internally when you imagine this scenario. It is common to feel a sense of tightening in your body or have some type of reaction or concern. You don’t want you partner to feel bad - you want to help, but you might not know how. What do you do?
In this episode, I discuss six ways to offer support. These can be options for you to consider the next time, your partner is having a difficult time and is wanting your support. Throughout this episode, I offer suggestions, examples, and tips. At the end of the day, I want to encourage you to ask your partner what would feel most helpful.
1. Listening: Offering your undivided attention and focus.
2. Emotional Attunement: Verbally or nonverbally staying connected with what your partner is expressing. Staying present.
Short animated video about empathy (with Brene Brown) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
Reflective listening practice/article http://drjessicahiggins.com/effective-communication-tool/
3. Offering Feedback: If your partner is interested in your feedback, offering your ideas, insight, or suggestions, with the intention to help.
Video mentioned https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
John Gray's book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
Platinum Rule article http://drjessicahiggins.com/new-ways-loving/
4. Challenge: Offering a different perspective or different way of looking at the situation that relates to your partner’s bigger vision or value. Being curious and wondering (with love).
5. Encouragement: Offering reassurance and affirmation to your partner. Letting your partner know they can do it. Believing in your partner, and seeing the strength in them.
Dr. Peter Pearson & Dr. Ellyn Bader.
6. Physical Presence: Offering physical affection and comfort (i.e. high-five, hug, pat on the back).
I hope you are able to give some of these suggestions a try, and I would love to hear your thoughts.
If you have a question that you would like me to answer, please leave me a voice message, by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you! ❤
Many times we know we need to take action, but we don’t know what step to take. Or we feel that change needs to occur, but we feel too overwhelmed to take a step. Here are some steps to consider that may help you feel more clear and inspired to take that first step. In this Episode, I offer a 5 step process for how to take action if you are feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure.
1. BE OPEN TO POSSIBILITIES: What if I let go of my attachment to things being a particular way? Ask yourself, what would (my idea of what I want - my example “going snowboarding”) __________ allow me to feel? This will help you get in touch will your underlying desire or need (my example - “going snowboarding would allow me to feel the outdoors and experiencing fun and play.”
Stages of Change (5 steps that people take when making a change - which comes from research from working with people with addictions. However, the model is relevant for people attempting to create change and/or break habits)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transtheoretical_model
http://psychcentral.com/lib/stages-of-change/000265
“It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer.” Albert Einstein
2. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY: When we have a need, want, or desire, we take ownership for it. When we realize we are not happy with something, If we are not liking our experience, we have choice in the matter. We decide who, where, and when we participate in a dynamic with someone else. It is up to us to be responsible and create the change we are desiring.
Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment
What is your number one complaint (in relationship)? (example - “being criticized)
I am unconsciously committed to __________ (your complaint). (example - “I am unconsciously committed to being criticized.”)
I am now consciously committed to _____________ (the opposite for your complaint). (example - “ I am now consciously committed to being accepted.”)
3. DECIDE: Making a commitment. Not just considering the step or option, but really deciding - “I am going to do this.”
Deciding involves action - we are going to do something. Considering is thinking about the possibility of taking action.
Trusting that more opportunity and/or information will become available by taking the first step. Our responsibility is to take the step that we can take.
Empowered to do something about it (disengage, ask for what you want, advocate for yourself)
Definite - staying firm in your decision
4. ONE SMALL STEP:
Trusting that support will be available. Not worrying about the whole picture. If it probable or possible.
Focus on the part you do know. Break it down.
What step can I take?
What is my next move?
5. THINK LONG TERM:
Pain or discomfort that I have associated with the thing we are not doing (examples - avoiding someone, or not eating sugar
What is the long-term cost of continuing to __________? (example - avoiding calling my grandmother. Distance, hurt)
What is the long-term benefit of ______________? (example calling grandmother. Long-term benefit: I would feel closer and connected to her. We would have a better relationship.)
Redirect your focus from the immediate discomfort to the long-term cost or long-term benefit as a motivator and action.
I would love to hear from you, if you have a comment. You can leave me a voice message here.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you! ❤
If you have ever felt confused in your relationship, this episode offers a 5 step process to gain more clarity. This process will help if you are feeling confused about a small issue or if you are feeling confused about a bigger concern in your relationship.
Over the many years of working with clients with relationship concerns, especially with my individual clients, they often express feeling confused about how to resolve concerns in their relationship and even feel confused about whether they should continue in the relationship.
More often than not, clients get stuck in this confused place - going back and forth - for weeks or even sometimes years. Usually, this confusion is an attempt to avoid dealing with the real genuine feelings underlying the concern.
Here are 5 steps to consider:
1. Create the Space: Take time and give yourself permission to feel, drop in to your experience. Take an honest heartfelt look at your experience.
2. Feel your Feelings: Allow yourself to feel. Be open and real with yourself. Notice and follow the lead of your emotion. An emotion usually has a beginning, middle, and an end. If you allow the process to flow, you will usually get to a place of understanding, learning, and/or insight.
3. Encourage the Process: Stay with the process. If you identify a feeling, stay curious. Ask yourself, “Is there more?” or “Tell me more.” Have inquiry and wonder about your experience, “What is not working?” and “What am I wanting?”
4. Support: Be gentle with yourself. Set aside the critical voice. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable, afraid, and vulnerable. Consider what would be supportive for you (i.e. time in nature, alone time, taking a bath, time with a friend). Trust there will be good that comes from the process.
5. Learning: As mentioned in #2, if you stay with the process, with a curious and present approach, you will probably get to a new awareness, understanding, or perspective. This will offer you a learning of some sort and possibly a next step. You do not have to figure out or be responsible for knowing how to work it all out. The goal is to know more about yourself and your underlying needs or desires.
I would love to hear from you. Please let me know if you have any questions. You can leave me a voice message, by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.
Thank you. ❤