Hindsight is Horrifying: Recent Episodes
JRJM Entertainment
Are you a grown-up who grew up in the TV Generation? You're in the right place! Hindsight is Horrifying is THE show for the TV Generation!
Hindsight is Horrifying is the podcast where two allegedly grown-up (and certainly somewhat cynical) hosts mine the TV shows and movies of our youth for the "grown-up" humor we just didn't get as kids.
At least that's the idea. We also do a lot of talking about movies and TV shows in general, and sometimes we even make sense!
Recorded in Alpharetta, Georgia, Hindsight is Horrifying is the show to check out if you grew up on TV and ended up just a bit cynical.
Hindsight is Horrifying steps into the garden with Being There (1979)!
Peter Sellers delivers one of his most iconic performances as Chance the gardener, a man raised on TV who accidentally becomes a political sage just by watching and repeating what he sees.
Darth, Adam, and Jason unpack the genius, the vibes, the amazing performances, and why this film's ending still leaves everyone debating.
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Do you know when the ghosts ruled China?
Strange things are afoot in Antonio Bay…
New HINDSIGHT episode just dropped: John Carpenter’s THE FOG (1980)
Word on the street is that a ship was allegedly lured by a ghostly fog onto the rocks of Antonio Bay, causing said ship to supposedly be enveloped by a supernatural cloud…which maybe caused that ship to sink. As a result, some sailors died.
ALLEGEDLY.
Now, local myth says that when this mysterious fog returns, the sailor victims will rise up from the depths seeking vengeance on Adrienne Barbeau and Jamie Lee Curtis.
Watch now!
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Some episodes raise questions. This one raises eyebrows and animated crushes.
Wait… AI didn’t resolve your questions about the father and child relationship? How so?
In the meantime, thank the goofiest person in your life who reminds you that the concept of “goofy” still exists. That is a wonderful reason to be happy.
We at HIH thought that we should officially announce that Mr. Brown has a thing for Velma, also known as brunettes with glasses. This is his cry for animated help.
Jade drops a Letterkenny “L.A.” joke, and Jason doesn’t get it.
We discuss Darth Jader’s animated crushes on this episode.
It doesn’t matter. On a scale of Schindler’s List to Disney, how do you spell “Hi, Dad,” soup? Find out when you tune in with your favorite weirdos.
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Darth Jader would like to officially apologize, first and foremost. Her husband shot an M240B while he was in the infantry. She got the portion about the Stryker right and she cooks most of the time at home, so Josh forgives her, and Arnold Schwarzenegger would, too.
In the meantime…
Can YOU make the Predator noise? We didn’t think so, but neither can we. WAH WAH
In this movie, which is not Predator, Arnold, appearing as Arnold, gets his privacy disturbed whilst single-handedly transporting a tree with MUSCLES ALONE. We’re pretty sure that even the Brawny Man couldn’t pull that off.
Normally, Dan Hedaya is the dad in every movie that ever existed. In this movie, he’s redonkulously Latin American. Just go with it.
The important questions are…would you let Arnold help you with your homework? Would he even help you if you weren’t a housekeeper?
At any rate, this movie does have a story at some point, we’re just not sure what it is. At its core, this film is an action movie with some soft-core dad rescue porn. Intrigued? You should be! Join your beloved podcasters and their guest, Alex, for the 1980s nonsensical thrill-ride that is Commando!
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Women will NEVER be obsolete! Who do you think is writing these show notes?!? AI attempted to take over for a moment, but Darth Jader is back now.
You’re welcome.
First, what would your gang name be? The Robin Williams? The Gene Wilders? Or would you be a troupe of true badasses and be The Warriors?
Second, which other gang, based on their name alone, would you beat up first? There are so many options in this film that the selections become tiresome.
Hang tight, because all the gangs are mad at the one gang for not committing a crime that definitely happened.
Now that Darth is back, Jason’s gonna die out of pure spite. He said so himself.
Confused? You should be!
Let’s tune into a radio that no longer exists and bop it through this episode together!
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Saddle up for a special episode of Hindsight is Horrifying as we dive into the iconic Western classic Tombstone (1993), starring Kurt Russell, Sam Elliott, and the legendary Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday. We picked this film in memory of Kilmer, whose unforgettable performance has cemented him as a fan favorite in this genre-defining movie.
Longtime fans Jason and Adam revisit their love for this action-packed tale of Wyatt Earp and the shootout at the O.K. Corral, sharing nostalgic memories and breaking down the film’s epic moments, quotable one-liners, and stellar ensemble cast. Meanwhile, Darth experiences Tombstone for the very first time. Will she be as blown away by Kilmer’s “incandescent” portrayal as the rest of us? Tune in to find out!
Expect laughs, hot takes, and plenty of retro movie love as we honor one of the greatest Westerns ever made. What’s your favorite Tombstone moment?
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Dive into the chaotic brilliance of Suicide Kings with Hindsight is Horrifying! This 1997 crime-thriller gem, packed with Christopher Walken’s unhinged energy and a wild ensemble, gets the full treatment. Jason’s been a fan since his college days, raving about Walken’s iconic finger scene and the twisty plot. Adam and Darth, seeing it for the first time, are floored by the mix of dark humor, mob drama, and ‘90s nostalgia.
Join us for laughs, hot takes, and debates as we unravel the kidnapping caper, Denis Leary’s snark, and that unforgettable ending. Is Suicide Kings a hidden classic or gloriously unhinged? Watch to find out!
What’s the wildest ‘90s thriller you’ve seen? Spill in the comments!
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Dive into the world of David Lynch’s Blue Velvet with Hindsight is Horrifying! In this episode, Darth watches the 1986 cult classic for the first time and is blown away by its surreal darkness. Adam takes us back to his Blockbuster rental days, sharing how this film haunted him in the ‘90s. Jason, our Lynch superfan, unpacks the mystery of the severed ear, Frank’s unhinged chaos, and that eerie Roy Orbison vibe.
Expect laughs, hot takes, and mind-bending discussions as we explore why Blue Velvet still captivates. Perfect for Lynch fans, horror buffs, or anyone craving a wild movie podcast!
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Step into the arena with the latest episode of "Hindsight is Horrifying" as we journey back to 1995 with the cult classic, "Mortal Kombat"!
Join Jason, Adam, and Darth, along with our special guest Paul, who's not just a fan but a connoisseur of the film's delightful absurdity. We're breaking down:
Fight or Flop? - How well did this movie capture the essence of the iconic video game?
Silliness at its Finest - Paul shares his love for the movie while acknowledging its campy charm.
Aging Like Fine Wine? - We discuss whether "Mortal Kombat" holds up or crumbles under the nostalgia test.
🔥 What's in Store?
Epic Battles: Relive those iconic fight scenes, from Scorpion to Sub-Zero.
90s Nostalgia: Dive deep into the era where video game movies were a gamble and a spectacle.
Guest Insights: Paul brings his infectious enthusiasm and critical eye to the conversation.
⏰ Watch Now: Don't miss out on the fun, the fights, and the folly of "Mortal Kombat." Get ready for a trip down memory lane that's as memorable as "Finish Him!"
🎥 Subscribe for More: Keep your nostalgia meter full with "Hindsight is Horrifying." Follow for weekly dives into movies that shaped our past, for better or worse.
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Dive into the icy fun with the latest episode of "Hindsight is Horrifying" where Jade, Adam, and Jason kick off our new studio adventures with a nostalgic look at the 1999 classic, "Mystery, Alaska"!
Directed by Jay Roach, this film brings us into the heart of a small Alaskan town where hockey isn't just a sport, it's a way of life. Join us as we unpack the charm, the characters, and the unforgettable game against the New York Rangers.
🔥 What's in this Episode?
- Fresh Studio Vibes: We're still getting the kinks out, but the new setup is already bringing new energy!
- Film Breakdown: From the plot to the performances, we're dissecting everything about "Mystery, Alaska."
- Hockey Love: Whether you're a fan of the sport or the story, there's something here for everyone.
⏰ Watch Now: Don't miss out on the laughs, insights, and maybe a few surprises as we explore this hidden gem of '90s cinema.
🎥 Subscribe for More: Keep up with all things movies, nostalgia, and more with "Hindsight is Horrifying." Hit that follow button for weekly episodes!
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🚨 New Episode Alert! 🚨
This week on "Hindsight is Horrifying," we're diving into the 1997 Val Kilmer classic, The Saint! 😎
🎬 Darth picked this movie and is feeling all the nostalgia. Jason and Adam, on the other hand, are more inclined toward the original 60s TV series. 📺
We all LOVE Val Kilmer, but let's just say the hosts didn't quite see eye to eye on how well this movie aged... 🤔💥
Tune in for the debate, the laughs, and a trip down memory lane!
HindsightIsHorrifying #TheSaint #ValKilmer #90sMovies #MovieReview
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🚨 New Episode Alert! 🚨
The Hindsight gang is back after a bit of traveling, and we’re diving deep into the 1994 classic "Leon: The Professional."
Join us as we revisit the amazing cast—including Jean Reno, Natalie Portman, and Gary Oldman—and discuss how certain scenes, once considered edgy, now feel really uncomfortable and cringey in today's context.
We’ll explore iconic moments, unforgettable performances, and the lasting impact of this cult favorite.
Don’t miss our thoughtful analysis and lively discussion on this unforgettable film! 🎬 #HindsightIsHorrifying #LeonTheProfessional #90sMovies #Podcast
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🎬🧛♀️ New Episode Alert! 🧛♂️🎙️
Attention all fans of "Hindsight is Horrifying"! Gear up for a thrilling ride back to the 1990s as we dive into one of the decade's iconic yet not-so-gracefully aged classics - "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." 📼✨
This week's episode is a special pick by our very own Jason, who's ready to take us on a nostalgic journey through the quirks, the charm, and, yes, the cringe-worthy moments that define this cult favorite. It's part of our beloved "Movies of the 1990s" series, and you won't want to miss out on the fun (and horror) as we dissect what makes "Buffy" a fascinating snapshot of '90s pop culture, for better or worse. 🕶️🍿
So, grab your popcorn (and maybe a stake or two), and let's explore how "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" stakes its claim in cinematic history - and our hearts - despite its rough edges. Tune in, laugh, cringe, and reminisce with us. Because sometimes, looking back is the only way to appreciate how far we've come... or not. 🧟♂️🔍
HindsightIsHorrifying #BuffyTheVampireSlayer #90sMovies #CultClassics #AlfToSeinfeld
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Get ready for an intriguing journey into the heart of indie filmmaking with our latest episode on 'Living in Oblivion.'
Join the Hindsight is Horrifying crew as we dissect this quintessential '90s cult classic. We delve into the chaotic, yet charming world of indie film production, exploring its unique narrative, unconventional characters, and the comedic yet poignant portrayal of the struggles behind the camera.
This episode offers a blend of insightful analysis, behind-the-scenes stories, and our trademark humor. Whether you're a film aficionado or just love a good movie discussion, this episode is sure to captivate and entertain. Don't miss out on rediscovering one of indie cinema's most memorable gems!
LivingInOblivion #IndieFilmLove #HindsightIsHorrifying #PodcastDiscussion #TalkMovies #MovieReview #MovieDiscussions
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Join us on "Hindsight is Horrifying" as we dive into the enigmatic world of Alex Proyas' 1998 masterpiece, Dark City. 🌌
This week's pick is from Jason - we're pretty sure he chose it for its complex narrative, brilliant cinematography... and definitely not because Jennifer Connelly stars in it. 😉🌟
Tune in for a thrilling discussion on one of Jason's all-time favorites! 🎥🍿
DarkCity #FilmReview #MoviePodcast
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Tune in to the latest episode of "Hindsight is Horrifying" for a deep dive into the intriguing and complex 1991 film Barton Fink! This episode is particularly special as the movie is a personal favorite of Jason and a surprise pick by Adam, while Darth experiences it for the very first time.
🎭 "Barton Fink" is a cinematic journey crafted by the Coen Brothers, known for its surreal and thought-provoking narrative. We'll explore the film's intricate themes, its portrayal of a writer's struggle, and the hauntingly bizarre world it creates.
👥 Expect a rich and enthusiastic discussion. Darth, experiencing Barton Fink for the first time, brings a fresh and unfiltered perspective to the conversation.
🗣️ Share Your Insights: We're excited to hear your thoughts on this complex film. Did you catch a detail we missed? Have a different interpretation? Join the discussion in the comments!
Remember, in the realm of "Hindsight is Horrifying," revisiting the classics is always an adventure!
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We're thrilled to announce the latest episode of Hindsight is Horrifying!
This week, we're diving deep (literally!) into the 2019 shark thriller, 47 Meters Down: Uncaged. Expect a thrilling, fin-tastic discussion filled with our usual blend of humor and horror!
Click here to watch the full video of this episode on Rumble!
🌟 Special Guest: We're joined by our good friend and master scuba diver, Michael Drago. Michael brings his expert knowledge to the table, giving us an insider's perspective on the scuba diving aspects of the movie and how they measure up to real-world diving experiences.
🦈 47 Meters Down: Uncaged is an underwater adventure gone wrong, featuring a group of stupid divers who encounter stupid sharks in stupid submerged ruins. We delve into the good, the bad, and the outright idiotic aspects of this deep-sea disaster.
📣 Share Your Thoughts: We'd love to hear your take on the movie and the episode. Did we miss a crucial detail? Got a different perspective? Share your thoughts in the comments!
And remember, in the world of "Hindsight is Horrifying," looking back is always a scream!
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Our good friend Jeremy Choate joins us in the studio to chat about the 1986 Clint Eastwood pic "Heartbreak Ridge." Jeremy is an especially good guest to have on this episode because he is both an actor and...a former US Recon Marine!
Does Clint's performance as Gunnery Sergeant Highway hold up after all these years? What does a Recon Marine think of the movie? Can Jason be counted on to frame the cameras for four people instead of three? All this and more await.
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It’s every nerdy boy’s dream to matriculate into college and hook up with the head cheerleader, no matter the cost.
This 1980s “classic” turns that dream into a wildly illegal reality! Academically oriented freshmen Lewis & Gilbert (we THINK those are their names) discover just how shallow the dating pool is when they face off with the vicious Greek Council and feral cheerleaders of Adams College.
Sexual assault abounds as the geeky tri-Lambdas seek retribution against the bullying and harassment of the Alpha-Betas and their bouncy girlfriends.
Can our antagonist nerds win tug-of-war? Can they belch loudly enough? Did you know that John Goodman is in this movie? Does this movie hold up? Listen and find out as Darth, Adam, and Jason discuss Revenge of the Nerds!
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You’re a hot-blooded teenage boy on the verge of graduation and prom. Your application to flight school has been rejected. Your fighter ace dad is facing the gallows in a non-existent outlaw nation for the crime of being American.
It’s up to Doug Masters and Col. Chappy Sinclair (yes, those are really their names) to hatch a PLAN. Just not before Doug races a Cessna against a dirt bike.
Jumpin’ Jack Flash, this has GOT to be an 80s movie.
Col. Ted Masters (seriously, these names though) is being held captive in a rouge state that’s run by Snidely Whiplash or Tony Shalhoub. Your favorite podcasters simply cannot decide.
Regardless, it’s time to crank up the tunes and jack an F-16, because it’s the Fall of the 80s on Hindsight is Horrifying!
1980s #80smovies #airforce #f16
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What could be better than chasing tail and cheating at sports in the great outdoors? Nothing we humble podcasters can dream up, unless you figure out a way to factor in Bill Murray in a kid’s toy helmet.
This 70s nonsensical classic not only granted the world access to the incomparable team that was Ivan Reitman, Harold Ramis, and Bill Murray. This film also taught us the greatest lesson that any kid could garner from summer camp: DON’T BE A MEATBALL!
What’s a meatball? If you have to ask, you’re a total meatball.
Could Bill Murray BE more creepy in this movie? Undoubtedly. Would that matter? In the 70s, probably not. Just ask Geena Davis. She used to be in movies, but she’s not in movies anymore.
Don your Hawaiian shirts and short shorts. Lace up your Ah-Dee-Dahs and join us for our final Summer of 70s episode, Meatballs!
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Did your mom ever put a hit on your dad? Did a gang of 50-year-old teenagers ever attack you in a mortuary so they could use a casket for a prank? Did one of those teenagers stomp your beloved pet to death? If so, we know just the quasi murderess who can help you return such morbid favors!
Meet Susan. She’s a spider enthusiast and is the object of every creepy uncle’s eye. Okay, maybe just the one creepy uncle, but homeboy was having an affair with Susan’s mom before he set eyes on his niece. #CreepyAF
Susan’s got 99 problems but murder ain’t one. This hot town loner possesses a literal army of tarantulas who can magically kill anyone they touch. Minus Susan, of course. No biting necessary with these supernatural spiders!
In all seriousness, this movie makes no sense. The gist is that if you try to harm Susan in any fashion, you will experience death by spider. Does this qualify as murder? We don’t know! Join Darth, Jason, and two-dimensional Adam for a loopy discussion of Kiss of the Tarantula!
But wait, the spiders never actually bit anyone…
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Check out the video version on Rumble!
Armageddon has descended. The world has succumbed to the devastating results of biological warfare. A former TV newscaster has subsequently transformed into an albino, light-sensitive, technology-hating zealot. So, who will keep the public informed? How will Las Angeles know to stay classy?? CAN WE GET RON BURGUNDY ON THE PHONE???
WE DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!
Oh wait, none of this matters, because everyone is dead or undead except for Charlton Heston.
In all honesty, Dr. Robert Neville (Heston) appears to be living the post-apocalyptic bachelor dream as he forages for supplies in the fanciest abandoned cars that L.A. has to offer. Yeah, those cars are occasionally set aflame by the albino "zompires," but that just makes survival interesting.
Neville spends his considerable amount of spare time heckling the one remaining movie (MST3K style) and playing chess with a statue of Julius Caesar. So…there’s some silver lining to the End of Days, right?
All good things must come to an end, however. Neville is kidnapped by a woman literally posing as a mannequin who is somehow NOT Kim Cattrall. He didn’t know it was a ruse, the big dumb idiot. Neville winds up getting laid, but most certainly pays the price.
Women…
The Summer of 70s continues! Join Darth, Jason, and Adam, for their somewhat riveting discussion of The Omega Man.
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CALLING ALL KEITH DAVIDS!
Wait…Keith David WASN’T in this movie? Damn it, Jason…
Awkward Intermission
Stunt men, drunk driving, and bar fights, OH MY!
Picture it: Sally Field stars in a movie where Burt Reynolds is the badass. No one saw that coming. But have you ever seen a horse drink beer?
No one could pull off sexy meta narcissism like ol’ Burt. Psh. Don’t judge. Like any of y’all have your own Hollywood stunt reel to show off to your friends…
When Mr. Brown’s away, Darth and Jason will design an incriminating photo opportunity. But that’s nothing compared to the death-defying stunts of Sonny Hooper, who, along with Hal Needham and ALL the Jan-Michael Vincents, will prove physics and mortality wrong…about everything.
Your favorite podcasters just wanted Sally Field to enjoy her steak supper in that classy-ass honky-tonk. Join Darth and Jason for Hooper!
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Hold on to your gun silencers, it’s time for a gang assault!
In this John Carpenter classic that was remade into a film starring Ethan Hawke that no one remembers, Darth, Adam, and Jason cannot figure out which is more fascinating:
- The fact that Precinct 13 is not IN precinct 13 or
- The idea that a man can continuously “fire” an empty gun without realizing it.
There’s no time to consider either glaring error when you’re being attacked by a pack of zombie-like Chicano/black/oriental toughs and hoods! Ah, good ol’ fashioned 70s racism…those were the days.
It’s the Summer of 70s here on #HindsightisHorrifying. Grab your vanilla swirl ice cream and try not to get shot. On this new episode, your favorite podcasters are discussing Assault on Precinct 13!
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Hindsighters, what do YOU do to show your wives a good time? Well, if you’re Frank (Warren Oates) and Roger (Peter Fonda), you whisk your wives off to Colorado in the fanciest RV money can find!
For some added fun, Frank and Roger travel through Texas en route to Colorado, roughhousing on dirt bikes and playing witness to the grisly Satanic cult murder of a hot young woman. It’s all in good fun until the cult in question sets it sights on Frank, Roger, their wives, and the beloved family dog as the next victims for sacrifice.
The town is overrun by the Satanic cult and the local sheriff is literally of no help in this matter! What are the fellas to do to save themselves and their wives? Zoinks, gang!
It’s the Summer of Seventies on #HindsightisHorrifying! We apologize in advance that Mr. Brown will be selecting too many of these films for you to “enjoy”, so brace yourselves.
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Gloria Estefan was right. The cross-dressing rhythm IS going to get you.
Picture it. South Beach, 1996. You’re a young straight man in love with the daughter of an imperiously conservative politician. Add to this equation that your parents are gay partners who own and star in a South Beach drag club. You and said daughter are engaged and now it’s time for your perilously opposite parents to meet one another. What do you do but turn your gay parents into a Lucille Ball-level illusion of traditional heterosexuality?
Throw in a shoeless, half-dressed Guatemalan and you’ve got yourself an outstanding movie.
In this comedy classic, no one makes a more hilariously dramatic couple than Robin Williams and Nathan Lane. Don’t agree? Take some Pirin tablets and settle down, ya queen.
Throw on your cutoffs and your best wig. In this exciting episode, the gang (and special guest host Amanda) discuss The Birdcage!
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In The Rock, Nicholas Cage proves just how far a man will go to avoid committing to a relationship.
When given the choice to address his imminent future with his pregnant girlfriend or fly across the nation to take down a group of insurgent American marines threatening their own country with an act of terrorism, Stanley Goodspeed (Cage), CANNOT get on a plane fast enough.
Goodspeed is a D.C. biochemist who must Face Off (pun intended) with terrorists who have taken over the former prison island of Alcatraz and intend on destroying San Francisco with deadly VX gas warheads.
Not enough of a twist, you say? We agree with you, #hindsighters, because what this movie is missing is a sexy criminal element, also known as John Patrick Mason (Sean Connery). You see, Goodspeed can disarm any nuclear bomb, but only Mason can sneak Goodspeed ON to the island of Alcatraz.
How can Mason pull off such a mission? Because he’s the only former prisoner alive to successfully escape Alcatraz. Mason has only been in another prison (apparently one more difficult to escape from than Alcatraz) for the past 30 years. What could go wrong with this plan?
Tune in and find out on our most recent episode, starring John C. McGinley…and a bunch of other people.
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“Darling…the only ghoul in this house is you.” – Annabelle Loren
Welcome to the party on Haunted Hill, where the ghost stories aren’t made up, and the grudges do matter. Frederick Loren is hosting a gathering where all the guests get to walk away with ten thousand dollars apiece…assuming they survive the night in a horribly haunted house. Not enough of a twist, you say? Your favorite podcasters agree. As it turns out, the ghosts (and one random werewolf) might not be the most dangerous inhabitants of the House on Haunted Hill.
This William Castle classic begs the question: Would it be more fun to be murdered by an eccentric, mustachioed millionaire, or his cheating, smokin’ hot spouse? We suppose that comes down to your own kinky preference, but let’s all agree that disintegrating in a vat of acid would be absolutely zero fun. No bones about it. Darth will see herself out for that joke…unless Vincent Price has locked her in.
Join Darth, Adam, and Jason for their first Halloween episode of the season, House on Haunted Hill!
Darth was today years old when she discovered that Johnny Depp and Christopher Walken star in more than one movie together. In one of those movies, Nick of Time, Mr. Smith (Walken) threatens to murder Gene Watson’s (Johnny Depp) little girl unless Watson pulls the trigger on Governor Eleanor Grant during a public speech in a downtown L.A. hotel.
And we have a movie!
This film has everything going for it on paper. You have a handsome leading man racing against the clock. You have Christopher Walken literally stalking that leading man every step of the way on his mission to kill a governor so liberal that everyone and their mom (including her own husband and the guys at the hotel bar) want her dead. Johnny’s only allies are the veteran shoeshine and every single other hotel employee. In Nick of Time, there are countless build-ups with zero follow-through, and despite the stakes and talent that fill this movie to busting, it presents like a TV movie that could have used a few extra commercial breaks.
Darth and Jason enjoyed it nonetheless. But did 2-D Adam Brown have an opinion? More importantly, did Johnny off the governor?? Tune in to find out!
In this schlocky 90s comedy, Lt. Cmdr. Tom Dodge and his tattooed dick are facing a stacked deck.
Due to his decorative penis and quirky methods of command, Dodge has been passed over for promotion by the Navy Selection Committee year after year. But when Rip Torn decides to pull rank out of pure nepotism for his own errant son (which no one seems to notice or care about), Dodge finally gets a shot at captaining his very own recommissioned, yet utterly decrepit, submarine.
It’s up to Dodge and his colorful crew of misfit seamen, including a shockingly female Diving Officer, to navigate the USS Stingray through a War Games exercise that will determine his fate in the U.S. Navy. Does Dodge win the war games and Jim Carrey’s woman amidst self-inflicted chaos and loony piracy on the high seas? We’re not sure we even care, but in this episode of HIH, we discuss Down Periscope.
When you’re an under cover operative in a tough spot, who do you reach out to for help? James Bond? Ethan Hunt? Elon Musk? NOPE. In Penny Marshall’s directorial debut, it’s Whoopi Goldberg to the rescue for a British spy who just wants to get home.
Meet Terry Doolittle (Goldberg), professional smartass and computer genius, also known as a bank chat specialist. Terry stumbles into the world of espionage when English spy, code name Jumpin’ Jack Flash, reaches out to her with cryptic communications over her faulty bank computer. Jack puts Terry’s feeble feminine brain to the test with coded messages alluding to the Rolling Stones; Terry does some dancing, cracks the code, acquires a frying pan, and illicit undercover activities commence.
Jumpin’ Jack Flash is a Whoopi Goldberg vehicle that goes off road with ridiculous disguises, villainous treachery, & plenty of wise cracks. The British are coming, and Jim Belushi is armed with a tow truck and truth serum. But will Whoopi win the day and the middle-aged man? Smack your malfunctioning monitor and find out in this slapstick 80s romp.
What would you do for a Klondike bar? Would you bark like a dog?
What would you do to maintain the secret of Nirvana? Would you murder a shark-bitten Swede? Leo DiCaprio sure would!
In Danny Boyle’s 2000 film The Beach, some intrepid travelers seek a hidden island paradise for non-parasites in Thailand, a country where marijuana was recently legalized! After their deeply disturbed fellow traveler, Daffy, commits suicide on the Khao San Road, Richard discovers a map bequeathed to him by Daffy that leads to a forbidden beach so perfect, it was formerly thought of as nothing more than an urban myth.
Richard’s bizarre journey includes a French couple, Etienne and Francoise, who like to have loud sex. The threesome’s difficult travels pay off when they finally arrive at The Beach, but this fairy tale land-turned coveted reality conceals a dark truth.
The Beach is occupied by a group of hippie psychos who viciously guard their seaside commune, which also happens to be equipped with a manipulative ice queen and dangerous drug farmers who favor a Thai variation of Russian Roulette.
There is almost too much to unpack when it comes to The Beach. Suffice it to say that, in this movie adapted from Alex Garland’s far superior debut novel, we discover that when paradise comes at too steep a price, it’s not the journey or the destination so much as the escape.
Join Darth, Jason, and Adam for a dive into The Beach.
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There’s this call girl. She’s got a bad rap, see? She’s stuck with a murderous john who owns all the hookers in Atlanta; he puts her up in a nice penthouse with fabulous clothes and all the dance classes she could ask for. It’s up to a ruggedly handsome vice cop to rescue her and give her the run-down home of her dreams in a ghetto part of the city so they can live happily ever after next to a playground of noisy ass kids. This dream house may not have a bed with a frame, but it has a lovely window seat with a rose carving, perfect for peeping on the local children at play.
Now that we think about it, Sharky’s Machine may be the literal opposite story of Pretty Woman. This rendition of Dirty Harry Goes to Atlanta is a drama-packed, vice-ridden tale of Burt Reynolds (quasi-legally) stalking and sometimes slapping a hooker with whom he falls in love from afar. Don’t worry, he’s still focused on cleaning up the city streets. He might lose a few fingers in the process, but good ol’ Sharky will see to it that we ATLiens can enjoy our city without the worry of those awful out-of-staters.
Join Darth, Adam, and Jason for the mustache ride that is Sharky’s Machine.
Oh, my GOD, Mr. Cotter, I want YOU!
What if Cheech and Chong joined the army? We’ll never know for sure, but Stripes gives us a close enough idea when Bill Murray talks Harold Ramis into becoming a grunt in this 80s comedy. John and Russell join the army, mud-wrestling shenanigans ensue, and our would-be heroes get the girls, but can they protect America’s newest super-weapon/shaggin’ wagon? Probably not, but it hardly matters when your main goal in life is to be the sharpest loofah in your platoon ever to graduate basic training.
Sound off for Stripes!
Not all of us can travel abroad during our college years. Some of us can’t afford college or travel and are subsequently forced to fantasize about that magnificent day when a random, white-collar gentleman will offer us $1000 to travel to Italy to locate and return his wayward, womanizing son.
Matt Damon lucks out in the extreme in this story; he is literally paid to visit a fictional town in Italy to locate Jude Law and bring him home to America to fulfill his destiny as a shipping heir. Sadly, things get murder-y quickly when same sex tendencies and bitter jealousy arise amidst the gin and the jazz.
Murder begets more murder in The Talented Mr. Ripley, a film that raises deeply philosophical questions that keep us up at night: Do the ends justify the means? Can anyone truly be a “bad” person? Is Matt Damon prettier than Gwyneth Paltrow?
Decide for yourself as you experience the criminal misadventures of the talented, treacherous, and tormented Tom Ripley.
Danger is around every corner when you’re an “anonymous” journalist with a drug beat and alimony to pay. Luckily, Fletch, known as Jane Doe to his readers (we assume he has some, but no one ever confirms this fact) is mediocre at disguise and masterful at confusing his targets with jibber jabber.
Fletch finds himself in the crosshairs when he’s asked to commit murder by a mysterious rich Mormon who mistakes him for one of his many alter egos; I mean, who wouldn’t trust thousands of dollars and a carefully coordinated murder plot to a drug-addled beach bum? There’s a foxy blonde, an angry Doberman, and Geena Davis has a dude’s name. It’s funny and confuddling. It’s Fletch.
Holy hairpiece, Jason Alexander!
Oh yes, it's George AND Kramer from Seinfeld, along with Dan Aykroyd and just about everyone else who made an appearance on SNL in the late 80s and early 90s.
When a failed recon mission strands him and his wife on Earth, what is an extraterrestrial to do other than make a half-assed attempt to blend in with the neighbors? Beldar and Prymaat make the best of their suburban purgatory while raising their daughter who possesses the wildly rebellious tendency to date an overweight underachiever.
This ridiculous 90s comedy didn't make money or history, but it doesn't matter. As far as Lorne Michaels is concerned, you can shove it up your cone.
Honey, we’re home! And where’s our dinner??
Who doesn’t want to have sex in technicolor? The people of Pleasantville, that’s who! That is, at least, until Reese Witherspoon comes along! But don’t let the black and white swirl get your TV antenna in a twist! Join, Darth, Jason, and Adam for a romp through simpler times that become instantly complicated when Don Knotts abducts two 90s teenagers. Tune in for some salacious and visionary thinking during Pleasantville. And remember…you’re soaking in it.
Ah, the 1970s. You've given us so many movies to suffer through. What more could you offer?
Turns out, the 1970s can offer us a bland movie about Rock Hudson using mad science to save a dog's life. Which is fine. Only he then decides to use the same science to create a total babe who wants to "learn" about "nookie." Oh, and the dog and the babe are both super cool with killing. Thanks, 1970s.
And, yes, there's frontal nudity.
Watch "Embryo" (1976) on Hindsight is Horrifying!
Bob Clark has given the world so much. He gave us "A Christmas Story" and defined the holiday movie. He gave us "Porky's" and defined the teenage sex comedy. He gave us "Baby Geniuses" and gave us diarrhea.
In "Black Christmas" he not only gave us the slasher film, but he also defined many of the tropes that would be used again and again for decades to come.
The gang welcome their friend Adam Darby back to the studio to talk about the 1974 cut-em-up Christmas classic, "Black Christmas."
Ok, so Bill Murray probably doesn't hate Christmas. But he does a great job portraying a humbug in the 1988 Richard Donner comedy, "Scrooged."
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It's December! For some reason, that means we all have to watch Christmas movies. This appears to be a law, and the gang aren't taking any chances.
Join them as they take their first obligatory trip down mandated festive joy.
"Fatman" is a movie that just doesn't know what it wants to be. Comedy? Action? Tarantino-esque killfest? No clue. All we know is that the gang sit down and watch Mel Gibson in "Fatman" (2020).
Ah, the public domain. Movies that live in the lawless land without copyright are perfect movies for riffing. In that spirit(!), the gang sit down and watch the 1962 Herk Harvey psychological horror film, "Carnival of Souls."
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It was Darth's turn to pick a movie this week, and she actually didn't use that power to inflict misery on Adam and Jason. Instead, the gang got to watch something of a hidden gem. It's the 2000 drama/comedy about a slice of waspy life, "Wonder Boys."
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Today we end our malformed Halloween season with a look at Brian De Palma's trippy musical extravaganza, "Phantom of the Paradise."
Before Andrew Lloyd Weber gave the world his lesser-known version of Leroux's famous novel, the bell-bottomed population of the 1970s was subjected to this prog/folk acid trip. The plot concerns a weird and disturbing composer who is maimed and turned into a weird and disturbing composer who wears a mask. Like Sia, only the music in this movie is better (it was written and largely sung by the legendary Paul Williams).
Surprisingly, the movie ended up being rather good, and the discussion was even better. Enjoy "Phantom of the Paradise" on Hindsight is Horrifying.
Critters is a movie that once terrified young Jason to the core of his cynical little soul. Now he returns with Adam and Jade to find out if it has that scary staying power.
Join the gang as they watch the 1986 horror (comedy?) Critters on Hindsight is Horrifying!
Young Adam is back! And mysteriously, Adam B. is missing...
But let's not get bogged down in 'who killed who for a guest spot on a YouTube show.' Instead, let's watch the sequel to Sam Raimi's debut film (and the best horror sequel ever), Evil Dead II.
Dead by Dawn!
Yes, Prince Humperdinck battled Chucky, but at least he didn’t have a date with a 6-year-old boy…
It’s officially Halloween, the spookiest and most magical season of them all. And what better way to celebrate the unholiest of high holidays but with the movies that scared us witless when we were younger? That’s right, #Hindsighters, Jason has raised a new challenge from the dead, and your bold podcasters are dredging up the most fearful movies of their formative years for your vindictive entertainment!
Join Darth, Jason, and Adam B. in their foray to the 80s and heyday of the meanest doll of them all, Chucky! The demonic ginger Good Guy Doll has a truly bad side. Download if you dare! Better yet, click the like and subscribe buttons, or we’ll throw you in the fire!
Viewers will recall that Jason has a complicated relationship with the Star Wars universe. Unfortunately for him, all that and more await him as the gang watch Episode II - Attack of the Clones.
Many thanks to our special guest Jacob Andrews for joining us and suggesting this quite divisive movie!
Vibes is one of those forgotten 80s movie gems that deserves a second look. Not a third look though. Two will do. After all, we're talking about the first (and only) cinematic pairing of the great Jeff Goldblum and the irritating Cyndi Lauper. As psychics. Heck, it even earned a star from Roger Ebert. And that's exactly one star more than he gave Death Race 2000.
Join the gang as they return to the greatest decade in movie history for the 1988 comedy, "Vibes."
Jason has a list. It's a list of very, very bad movies. Movies that are as bad as they are...free to watch.
Alien Conquest tells the touching story of Tom Sizemore's battle with addiction and recovery, set against the backdrop of the most implausible alien invasion since "Hobgoblins." Enjoy this incompetent ripoff of "War of the Worlds" on Hindsight is Horrifying!
The Hindsight is Horrifying gang watch Val Kilmer's big Hollywood debut (sort of) as the lead in Top Secret!
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The Big Hit: “Let’s go, baby! Let’s work!”
Did you ever consider the hitman’s feelings when he kidnaps you? You will when you watch this trashtastic piece of cinema starring Lou Diamond Phillips, Marky Mark, and Mark Wahlberg!
For real, #Hindsighters, what innocent catholic schoolgirl doesn’t dream about falling victim to kidnaping and inevitable Stockholm Syndrome when they’re taken hostage by someone as hot as Marky Mark?
Hindsighters, forget about Christina Applegate (we’re kidding; even Darth knows that’s not possible) and focus on the jailbait that is China Chow in this hot cinematic nonsense.
What’s the one lesson your intrepid podcasters have learned from this movie, you ask? Sensual, non-consensual cooking inevitably leads to kosher takeout.
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This week's episode is dedicated to Jason's old friend. Dr. Rodney "Jason" Hatfield passed away suddenly on 14 July. He was a great human being and an outstanding family man. He will be missed.
Hindsighters, please consider donating to the Rodney “Jason” Hatfield memorial scholarship which will benefit Dr. Hatfield’s children. Donations can be made here.
What to say about this week's episode? Well, it's a classic of American cinema more relevant now than ever. It's the 1976 comedy that became a drama: Network.
“It’s a bird, a stork!”: NO! It’s The Mummy Returns, where Egyptian history is made up and the reincarnation points don’t matter.
Hindsighters, your beloved Darth Jader is not embarrassed to admit that, as a child, she thought scarab beetles would be a much larger problem in her adult life than even quicksand, all due to what cartoons and mummy movies may have taught her.
Despite their combined efforts, Darth, Adam, and Katie cannot discern whether dying by scarabs, quicksand, or piranhas is worse. Ultimately, there is no need to fret, loyal listeners, because we know that our Desert Daddy will always come to the rescue, no matter our continent of adventure or residence.
Enough about Oded Fehr (no such thing). Let’s talk about Brendan Fraser, and Rachel Weisz, and John Hannah, and Patricia Velasquez. Don’t feel neglected, Arnold Vosloo, because no one could forget your remarkably smooth portrayal of Imhotep; we would build sandcastle faces and crash dirigibles with you any time.
Meanwhile, no one is concerned about the Cousin Oliver of The Mummy franchise, despite the fact that Alex is the necessary through-line for the plot of this picture (not to mention the somewhat adorably smart-arsed amalgam of Rick, Evie, and Jonathan).
The inevitable lessons that you must take from The Mummy Returns are as follows:
1.Whether facing pygmies or velociraptors, don’t go in the long grass.
2.Knowing Ancient Egyptian is handy whether you’re reincarnating your recently murdered mother or destroying the god-awful CGI version of Dwayne Johnson.
3.DO NOT stick your fingers or hands into the eye sockets of the undead or ancient Egyptian glory holes. In either instance, you’ll end up covered in goo.
Oddly enough, The Mummy and The Mummy Returns drive home the most important lesson of life: Mortality blows.
Fellas, take note that even reincarnated lives can be short. It doesn’t matter what army you control or which bug king you kill. If Imhotep liked it, he should have put a ring on it (but only with the Scorpion King’s diamond on top because now Jonathan’s going to lose that bling in a card game).
Until next time, fellow Egyptologists. This has been #Hindsight, and good night.
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The gang is back from their adventure with sharks at the Georgia Aquarium. In honor of that, they've decided to watch a movie about attractive people getting in the water with sharks. It's essentially the same story, albeit with somewhat more death and nearly 12% more creepy Louisiana guy with bad teeth. It's the 2011 sexy teen / bikini / coming of age / friendship / horror / comedy / romance movie "Shark Night," directed by the guy who made Snakes on a Plane.
And Ted from Schitt's Creek is in it!
Ed Wood was more than a man...so much more. By that, we mean he was a director. No, a filmmaker. A filmmaker who fought against the Hollywood machine to make crappy movies that have entertained generations of insomniacs (and MST3K fans). And to think he did in drag.
Join Jason, Darth, and Adam B. as they watch the 1994 Tim Burton "bio" pic about this enigmatic hero from cinema history.
And to think, Adam B. does the whole episode in drag. Full circle, folks.
Tonight, on a very special episode of Hindsight is Horrifying, host Adam B. picks a movie in tribute of the late actor Joe Lara. Fans will remember that Adam and Joe worked together on the action movie, "Strike Zone," which we previously reviewed.
Unfortunately, given Joe's repertoire, pickings were slim so we ended up with "Tarzan in Manhattan." It's a 1989 pilot movie for a show that never went to series. After watching, we were surprised that it was actually kinda good. Sort of.
Enjoy Tony Curtis, Joe Lara, Jan Michael-Vincent, and other human beings in this romantic crime thriller noire detective comedy drama.
God, don't you miss the eighties?
Adam and Jason are AWOL this week, so Darth has to call in an elite pair of guest hosts. Rejoice, fans, for Katie and Young Adam are back!
Being hip kids down with the streets, etc., the guests picked a topical movie from 1994. It's Kevin Smith's debut film: Clerks.
It's time to celebrate! Why? Because the Hindsight is Horrifying Year of Hell is over! Now the hosts can turn to some palette cleansing titles sure to brings smiles to cynical faces everywhere. And what works better at palette cleansing than gravy?
How about gravy for your brain?
On this week's show, the hosts (sans Adam B., who is off doing something called 'sec tourism') venture down the rabbit hole with the 1997 thriller/comedy "Conspiracy Theory." It's time to settle in and enjoy Mel Gibson, Julia Roberts, and Patrick Stewart (in a role that will surprise you).
The gang wrap up their Year of Hell early, and boy do they go out with a bang. In this week's episode, Jason revels in forcing Darth and Adam to suffer through Alejandro Jodorowsky's "The Holy Mountain." That's right, the gang sits through the Most Painful Movie Ever Made.
Enjoy. Well, we say enjoy...
The gang is nearly done with their Year of Hell, which in fact lasted just under five months. What can we say, we're wimps. This week was Darth's final pick, and she came from left field with a movie that is...good? Great, actually, but emotionally quite painful. It's the 1999 Tom Hanks film "The Green Mile." Not since "Brian's Song" have so many tears been shed by such hollow husks of people. Enjoy!
And join us next week when the gang are forced to watch Alejandro Jodorowsky's "The Holy Mountain," a movie that earned the title of Most Painful Movie Ever Filmed©.
And now a moving tale of resurrection. Like the Bible, only the resurrection is a continuity error, and the movement is of the bathroom variety.
As our Year of Hell continues, the hosts must endure a movie made watchable only by the good people at MST3K. We're doing the Cameron Mitchell classic(?) sci-fi schlock-fest Space Mutiny. Enjoy. Or don't, I'm not your boss.
Still with this Year of Hell? Yep. And this week Darth brings something truly horrible. Horrible to sit through that is. It's the 1987 children's introduction to light BDSM: The Brave Little Toaster.
The Master Orders You To Watch!!!
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What to say about this movie? It's powerful, sweet, and tearjerking. Which is exactly why Adam B. chose it for our Year of Hell. The goal was to make us cry, and boy did he come through.
Even if you've never heard of Brian Piccolo and Gale Sayers, you'll want to tune in to this special episode. Watch us watch the ultimate guy friend movie. And remember, we love Adam B., and we want you to love him also.
That came out wrong...
What can you say about "Hobgoblins"? We watched it. Multiple times. And we still don't know exactly what we sat through.
Fans of MST3K will recall this movie as "The Movie" that Pearl Forrester used to punish Mike and the Bots when they were especially tiresome. After our experience...we think she's a war criminal.
Come back with us to the 1980s and watch a movie that had to have been conceived as a tax write-off. Join us as we traipse through the hellish nightmare world that is "Hobgoblins."
Tonight: Brains! We're not talking about the hosts, mind you, but rather the delicate fare of what some consider the most gory movie in history. Tonight, as we continue to make each other weep during our Year of Hell, guest host Adam Darby brings us Peter Jackson's horror classic Braindead. Or Dead Alive. Either way, it's super gory. Enjoy!
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Death Wish. A story about a man who wishes for death. Or something. In episode two of our Year of Hell, Adam B. forces Darth to watch Jeff Goldblum in his first meaty role. Meaty indeed.
Is there any chance the hosts will let each other off? Any possibility they will show some signs of civility towards each other?
No dice.
Crime is the disease. The cure? A meathead with a matchstick. And a gun.
Join the gang as they begin their Year of Hell! For the next several weeks, the hosts will pick movies that have but one objective: to make all other hosts cry. That's right, the name of the game is pain.
And who better to kick things off than a Sylvester Stallone? This week, we take on 1986's action/satanic panic/vigilante/crime/romance/improv movie "Cobra." Enjoy. Or...don't enjoy?
Christmas is over! And to celebrate, the Hindsight is Horrifying gang welcome Young Adam back to the studio to discuss the holiday comedy, "Elf." Merry the Holidays are Over!
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It's the 80s! Actually it's the year 2000, and the world is being introduced to a charming underdog and everyman named Patrick Bateman. That's right, we're doing American Psycho!
Join Darth, Adam, and Jason as they merrily laugh and chuckle at one man's attempt to make it in a world he doesn't belong in. Oh, the hijinks!
And the icing on the cake? We get to see Christian Bale kill the crap out of Jared Leto...with an axe! Fun times :-)
horror #1980s #2000 #Mary Harron #Bret Easton Ellis #Christian Bale #Patrick Bateman #Justin Theroux #Timothy Bryce #Josh Lucas #Craig McDermott #Bill Sage #David Van Patten #Chloë Sevigny #Jean #Reese Witherspoon #Evelyn Williams #Samantha Mathis #Courtney Rawlinson #Matt Ross #Luis Carruthers #Jared Leto #Paul Allen #Willem Dafoe #Donald Kimball
Join the gang as they lie to themselves about the quality of their existence!
Want some extra Christmas bonus magic? Do you? DO YOU?!? Well good! Because our friend Cece has made the poor life choice of returning to the studio to help us celebrate the hap-hap-happiest shopping time of all! #amazon
Krampus! He's like Santa, but way more realistic.
On that cynical note, please join the gang as we traipse through this 2015 holly-jolly, wintery, cheery horror movie about what happens when you lose that Christmas spirit. Some say it's a cautionary tale...
Remember Brendan Fraser? Pepperidge Farm remembers, and so do we!
Drop by the gang's fallout shelter and enjoy the wonderful world of the late 1990s with "Blast from the Past." And for extra fun, try reading all of that while doing a Christopher Walken impression. Go on, we'll wait.
fallout shelter,movies,1990s,1999,Hugh Wilson,Brendan Fraser,Adam,Alicia Silverstone,Eve,Christopher Walken,Calvin,Sissy Spacek,Helen,Dave Foley,Troy,Joey Slotnick,Soda Jerk
Get your ass to Mars!!!!
Join the gang as they discuss the 1990 sci-fi classic, Total Recall.
Terrorists...at a high school? Yep, the 1980s officially ended about three years into the 1990s. Our evidence? The 1991 action film "Toy Soldiers."
Join the gang as they chat about all the things that make this movie awesome!
The gang gather to pay tribute to the late Sir Sean Connery and to discuss the movie that made him a legend. 1962's "Dr. No."
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It's here! The gang gather around the pumpkins (we call beer pumpkins) and discuss three of their favorite TV show Halloween Episodes!
Featuring discussions of:
Community S4E2
“Paranormal Parentage” (2013)
Bob’s Burgers S4E2
“Fort Night” (2013)
Quantum Leap S3E4
“The Boogieman” (1990)
The gang discuss the movie that launched Jason Voorhees' slashing career. Jason: The guy in the mask. The horror icon of the 1980s. You know him. You're scared of him.
Okay, so he's not really in this movie. But hey, his mom is! Join Jason, Darth, and Adam as they wander through Camp Crystal Lake and try to stay alive in this Halloween episode!
Just when you thought it was safe to do something that would normally be safe but for the close proximity of something inherently unsafe!
It's a clown. Those are scary, remember? Anyway. Let's not drag this out...the gang talk about the remake of the mini-series version of the book, "It."
Boyyyyy!!!!!
Everybody's favorite Tall Man makes his film debut in "Phantasm." This movie is about aliens, corpses, graverobbing, and balls. Really great balls.
Join Darth, Jason, and Adam as they once again wander down that wonderful, LSD-laced road called the 1970s.
https://www.hindsight.show
Adam B. is back! And now he's even mentioned in the opening credits!
Join the gang as they aimlessly wander through this 1970s conspiracy thriller!
Was the moon landing fake? No. But was the Mars landing fake? According to O.J. Simpson, yes it was.
Darth is running the show! That's right, both Adam and Jason have abandoned their long-suffering co-host...but she has help. New guests Josh and Timmie have brought along a copy of Mike Judge's movie "Idiocracy"
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What's this? Darth and Jason trying to save a couple in crisis?
That's right, viewers. Young Adam and Alyssa, his better half, are on opposite ends of the "Who was the better Joker" debate. So the gang step up to settle the burning question once and for all: Jack Nicholson or Heath Ledger?
It's everyone's favorite super hero! No, not Batman. No, not Superman. No, none of the Marvel heroes. Ok, seriously. No! Not one of the Watchmen! Look, it's Green Lantern. The Ryan Reynolds one. Just watch it.
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The gang welcome Katie back into the studio to chat about Steven Spielberg's game-changing movie, "Jurassic Park."
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Spiders. Why'd it have to be spiders?
Darth, Adam B., and Jason watch 1990's spider-riffic film "Arachnophobia." Also, Darth nearly kills everyone and manages to wreck two cameras at once... Enjoy!
Just when you thought it was once again safe to return to the water for a third time...it was not so. Evidently, sharks hold grudges. So teaches Jaws 3-D! We also learn that one should not try to make a franchise out of a film that worked only as a standalone event (I'm looking at you, Jurassic World.) Join Darth Jader, Adam B., and Jason Mitchell for this romp through schlocky 3-D shark silliness!
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You go in the evil research lab thingy, evil research lab thingy goes in the water, genetically modified super-smart killer sharks are in the water. Farewell and adieu...
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Watch the skies! Also, you gotta pay a quarter if you drive to Ohio.
Darth, Adam, and Jason get together and chat about the wonderful Steven Spielberg UFO film "Close Encounters of the Third Kind."
The gang welcome Darth back from what she claims was a vacation. Her welcome home present? Tommy Lee Jones punching a volcano in the face. Joins us, won't you?
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Back when the world was shut down, Darth, Adam, and Jason welcomed Eric into the studio to talk about John Carpenter's 1988 sci-fi flick "They Live."
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Disaster Month continues! The trio discuss Irwin Allen's production of...wait for it...The Poseidon Adventure!
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Darth, Jason, and Adam (now promoted to full host!) continue "Disaster Month" with the 1980 comedy legend, "Airplane!" And we even have a new guest host! Welcome Jonah!
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The gang kick off Disaster Month with one of our favorite disaster films of all time...The Concorde...Airport '79!
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Katie's back! Darth, Jason, and Adam B. welcome back a legendary guest host to discuss all things Scooby Doo. Yoinks!
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Darth, Jason, and Adam B. watch their first fan-requested movie, the Jack Black classic "School of Rock."
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Tremors: “This Valley is Just One Long Smorgasbord.”
In 1990 America, no one could ever have predicted that a movie about subterranean penis monsters would not only attract the acting talents of Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward, but also inspire almost as many sequels as Highlander.
For real, what Freud-obsessed writer decided to create a film franchise featuring the leviathan version of an unsolicited dick pic? At the very least, Darth can cackle at the silver lining of witnessing her male guest-hosts being subjected to a woman’s experience in dating. The important lesson to glean from Tremors is that it’s completely acceptable to be an idiotic seismologist with zero knowledge of vibration or sound so long as you have stunning blue eyes and refuse to wear a bra. Add some utterly random pole-vaulting skills to that equation, and you just might get Kevin Bacon to cut foot loose.
On the other side of the spectrum, thank God for legitimately badass women like Reba McEntire. The queen of country music won’t hang up her boobs in times of crisis; Reba will bust out an elephant gun, stuff some pipe bombs, and kick some graboid ass alongside the dad from Family Ties.
As easy as it is to pick on Tremors, the franchise is much beloved. Tremors encapsulates trope monster horror with true 90s nostalgia. In fact, your favorite podcasters suspect that this movie might be where denim was last worn.
Regardless of your feelings about this cult classic, you have to admit that Tremors is nothing if not entertaining. Admit it. When the Corona pandemic broke out, you were kind of hoping for giant worms to battle; at least it would have given us all something to do besides listen to this god-forsaken podcast.
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Would you murder a perfectly good dog to rescue your sibling? More importantly, would you continue to patronize your vet’s practice if they were responsible for the death of your spouse? These and so many other questions arise from a viewing of M. Night Shyamalan’s Signs.
One thing is certain. When aliens OR cats start rattling on closed doors, you gotta get two beers and jump. The references on this podcast are nothing if not topical; your beloved podcasters blame the quarantine day drinking. The irony is not lost on Darth or Jason that they decided to release their Signs episode the very same week that the U.S. government confirmed the existence of UFOs. So hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ dogs, and bust out the water, because the aliens GON’ FIND YOU! Just don’t forget to cook one last, labor-intensive meal for your children before you all die.
Adam Brown may not know how to make fancy food, but he sure does know how to make food fancy.
Humanoid breakfasts are just the initial evidence of these podcasters’ waning mental health during week seven…hundred and forty five of quarantine. Signs certainly makes for relatable material amidst the current circumstances of isolation, UFOs, and total uncertainty.
Don’t panic yet, #Hindsighters. Your persevering podcasters have yet to bust out the tin foil hats, and it has NOTHING to do with the fact that grocery stores are completely out of tin foil.
In these trying times, we are all doing our very best not to go full Mel Gibson. You NEVER go full Mel Gibson. However, Darth would like to make it abundantly clear that her tombstone epitaph will not be changing. #DiedBetweenMelsThighs
No matter your psychological state, there’s nothing like an extraterrestrial attempting to murder your asthmatic child with wrist poison to help you suddenly remember that most beings, no matter how strange and startling, are susceptible to blunt force trauma.
During this age of unending quarantine and countless tornadoes, Darth, Jason, and Mr. Brown won’t let you down. Your adored podcasters will continue to entertain you one episode at a time, so stay tuned, stay safe, and stay sane.
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Batman & Robin: “What Killed the Dinosaurs? THE ICE AGE!”
…and what derailed the Batman franchise for nearly a decade? This movie!
Darth and Jason host a record amount of virtual guests as they discuss a Joel Schumacher dumpster inferno of the 90s, back when Arnold Schwarzenegger commanded higher billing than George Clooney and a scantily-clad Uma Thurman drove a Yoko Ono-sized wedge between the Dynamic Duo.
Poison Ivy might be a super villainess, but her costume still doesn’t have pockets. Darth and Jason suppose she must not need them since she has Bane to carry her purse. Batman certainly doesn’t seem to carry a wallet, but you really don’t need to when you have a utility belt and super roomy codpiece.
As it turns out, falling into below-freezing water will give you epic shrinkage, yet make loyalty to your wife your new super power, just not in real life (sorry not sorry Arnold).
Not much makes sense in this movie, especially the “science”. It appears that Super Soldier Serum has wildly different effects on each individual person; after all, the serum turned Steve Rogers into Captain America and turned Bane into El Santo.
Nonetheless, your favorite podcasters have to give credit to Mr. Freeze; he takes the “in sickness and in health” part of his vows rather seriously. When your wife contracts MacGregor’s Syndrome, you gotta put that bitch into a medically-induced coma! Bitches LOVE medically-induced comas!
It’s debatable whether Batman is the good guy in this film. At least Mr. Freeze had the courtesy to put his wife into a coma; Bruce just lets Alfred waste away Woodhouse style in his fancy mansion. Darth and Jason can only assume that he blew his monthly budget on freeze rays and giant telescopes. Mr. Freeze might be a villain, but he’s still a better boss than Joe Exotic. Sure, he feeds his employees crappy frozen dinners instead of spider webs, but he doesn’t seduce them with meth and tigers. Darth and Jason feel that Freeze’s worst crime was his abuse of ice puns.
The argument could be made that when you realize mankind is slowly destroying the Earth and her greenery, it’s time to start cross-breeding plants with snakes, because LOGIC.
Lastly, let Darth and Jason know if you guys want to see “Old Adam” shower in the cowl. That’s some Patreon content, but only if your pockets and self-loathing are deep enough. Do as we say and not as we do. Stay tuned, stay safe, and stay safe.
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Robin Hood Prince of Thieves: “I’m Gonna Cut Your Heart Out with a SPOON!”
Week 5 and quarantine continues!
Adam B. (the only surviving guest host) calls in this week from his bunker to help Jason rip apart a childhood favorite of Darth’s, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.
As we as a society discover the real danger behind the Corona Virus (self/government-inflicted confinement), Darth and Jason brazenly embrace the first step of devolvement: drinking prosecco out of coffee mugs. Don’t worry; it gets so much worse.
The social distancing mandate has shut down nearly all public businesses and schools. As a result, children AND parents are working/schooling/coexisting from home on a constant basis. Adam Brown hasn’t bathed in days and Jason can barely remember how to dress. The only thing Darth can think during this panic-inducing pandemic is, “What a time to be childless.”
Speaking of Quarantine Craziness, who was YOUR first animated Disney crush? They can be human or animal. No judgement in this corner, but extra points to the #Hindsighter who can properly guess which podcaster was enamored with the correct animated character!
Discussing the movie in question has become a problem even in the show notes… sigh
In this 90s “epic” starring that guy from Dances with Wolves and Mary Elizabeth Macaroni and Cheese, your favorite podcasters discover that only SOME Robin Hoods are required to speak with an English accent. Oh, and Michael Wincott was DEFINITELY in The Crow.
Hindsighters, your darling Darth and Jason (along with the guest star that they can’t seem to get rid of), have a rare, shared opinion on this particular film, which is that Alan Rickman made this movie absolutely unforgettable. That’s a difficult feat, considering that God is also in this movie.
In spite of Jason and Adam B. kicking Darth in the teeth over this film (she got so flustered by their Statler and Waldorf heckling that she interchanged the word “rope” for “arrow”), your most beloved podcasters will continue cranking out episodes for your entertainment during the Corona pandemic. Count on it, even when Jason goes full Joe Exotic and threatens to murder that b**** Darth Jader.
Until then…stay tuned, stay safe, and stay sane.
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Shaun of the Dead: “You’ve Got Red on you.”
Nothing is sacred on this inconsistent farce of a podcast, so Darth and Jason decided to discuss Shaun of the Dead while the world is under quarantine due to the #CoronaVirus. C’mon … like it isn’t funny to discuss the Cornetto in the chaos of Corona?
Like it or not, your favorite podcasters have to believe that this pandemic will produce something good; rather, a large group of parents will produce their “Coronita” babies in December 2020. On this particular episode, Jason regrets creating a running quarantine gag! Why, you might ask? He had to put in some effort, and putting in effort is so passé.
In similar fashion, Adam B. makes zero effort to drive to the studio for this episode. Rather, he calls in from his bunker under the protection of his gas mask because he doesn’t love the #Hindsighters like Darth and Jason do. You learn who your real friends are during a quarantine, listeners-turned-viewers. We’re sorry you had to find out this way. Darth and Jason are attempting to recover from this devastating blow amidst the already imposing contagion.
No one handles quarantine claustrophobia quite like a submariner…
Boredom-induced questions abound amidst the #CoronaConfinement:
- If you’re not preparing your children (if you’re unfortunate to have them) for the inevitable demise of their friends and upcoming concerts, are you even BEING a responsible parent?
- Did Courtney kill Cobain? #Topical
- Do generation categories even make sense?
- Darth is NEVER revealing Adam’s true age; she’ll die on that hill even after he’s buried under it.
- Why hasn’t Bill Nighy been knighted yet?
Ultimately, Darth and Jason realize that everyone is struggling with social distancing. At times like these, it’s important to keep yourself entertained with your favorite music, television shows, and obviously the greatest podcast of all time. And there’s no need to thank us; we’re no heroes. We wear on bras on our heads just like everyone else.
Stay tuned and stay safe during these troubling times, and do your best to stay sane. Special Forces will show up to save us all, eventually. In the meantime, mix yourself a nice quarantini and wait for all this to blow over. 😉
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Watch this episode on YouTube! https://youtu.be/xPnM3aq8-R4
Weird Science : “I Want to Butter Your Muffin!”
Hindsighters, Darth and Jason know that it’s been a rough couple of weeks for everyone facing the #CoronaVirus pandemic. It’s no fun when the world goes full Outbreak, but don’t let the deadly Motaba monkey on your back get you down! Your favorite podcast is still plugging away with new content, and that’s enough to make anyone smile (or to send Darth and Jason even MORE hate mail).
This week, Darth watches a movie about two nerdy boys with her two favorite nerdy boys! Adam B. joins Jason and Darth in the studio to discuss a bizarre John Hughes film, Weird Science!
There’s nothing like a man in taped up nerd goggles to make all the ladies go wild.
When he’s young and desperate to get laid, what geeky lad wouldn’t stoop to Victor Frankenstein levels to “simulate” himself a girlfriend? Moreover, who cares about the embarrassment of a head brazier when they’re cooking up a smoking hot sorceress girl on their outlandishly expensive 80s computer?
Darth’s burning question is…who wore it better? Just kidding, RDJ all the way.
Just keep in mind, #Hindsighters, that creating the perfect girl with “computer science” is all fun and games until that girl goes full Cat in the Hat and destroys your house by inviting over Mad Max bikers. The bad news is, she won’t stop there. In fact, when your grandparents try to bust up your sick ass 80s house party, your computer simulated girlfriend will freeze those bastards in Suspended Animation and shove them in the pantry.
Needless to say, this super 80s film is a tad random and somewhat polarizing. However, Weird Science does allow viewers to walk down memory lane with quite a few actors that you just don’t see anymore. R.I.P, Bill Paxton.
Furthermore, Weird Science commits itself to fulfilling the dreams of young male virgins everywhere. In what other world would any adolescent dude find himself blessed with the presence of a girl who has Albert Einstein’s brain, Kelly LeBrock’s body, and insane magical powers?
Weird Science is a crazy ride of a movie, #Hindsighters, and just the kind of distraction that the world needs right now. So grab an Icee and curl up in quarantine as your beloved podcasters simulate a brand new episode.
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Prepare yourselves for our most special episode ever, #Hindsighters. Word has gotten out (thanks to Australia) about our little podcast, and, believe it or not, we’ve drawn some Hollywood attention.
This week, Darth and Jason welcome a guest who is the “star” of the movie at hand, Strike Zone. That star is … Adam Brown! Try to curb your enthusiasm; Jason was honestly just getting back at Darth for tricking him into watching Mean Girls the week previous.
Buckle up for an utterly trashtastic movie you’ve never heard of that holds the world record for most stock footage and boasts a thrilling story line where rival ex-lovers of baby-crazy Rebecca must rescue her from the city of Lost Plot Point.
Strike Zone provides the audience with all the most implausible scenarios you could ever wish for. To that end, if a bad guy won’t stop shooting your Kevlar vest, throw that bitch a ninja star. Bitches LOVE ninja stars! It takes a Hunter S. Thompson level of self-actualization (and a lot of Variant beer) to truly appreciate this type of film. You simply can’t ignore the genuinely creepy and stilted acting of a villain who looks like David Bowie on meth.
If you can find Strike Zone on video CD, you owe it to yourself to follow along as your beloved podcasters critique it. After all, you have to admire a film that runs wild with discrepancies in plot, quality, and basic human logic.
In all seriousness, #Hindsighters, join your favorite podcasters for a first-hand perspective on a movie with the one actor who delivered a believable performance. Don your tube tops, negotiate your black market arms deal, and enjoy the 2000 cinematic classic, Strike Zone!
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Hindsighters, Darth and Jason strive to provide you with aberrant content on a weekly basis, and on this particular episode, they sure didn’t disappoint. This week, they cruised back into the 70s to discuss the lauded classic, Smokey and the Bandit!
Adam Brown donned a fake mustache to join your favorite podcasters for this special movie and his whopping 9th appearance on the show, leaving Katie trailing behind just like Buford T. Justice.
You might want to get your ears and your eyes on, good buddies, ‘cause ol’ Smokey is bound to catch up to that badass Trans Am. Crack open your legal Coors beer and enjoy our latest episode!
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Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: This is Bat Country!
It’s a brand new season, #Hindsighters, and that means big changes! As your attorneys, Darth and Jason advise you all to subscribe to (and beware of) their podcast on Youtube, now featuring faces that only a radio could love.
Darth celebrated this landmark episode by dressing as her idol, Johnny Depp. It’s not the first time Darth has done such and it won’t be the last.
What would prompt Darth to dress like Johnny on this particular occasion, you might ask? In the very first installment of Season 2, your favorite podcasters discuss a true cult classic, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
This episode has the absurdity, it has the nod to Gonzo Journalism, and most importantly, it has more than one Adam! What else does Hindsight have in store for you this year? Subscribe and find out!
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National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation: “We’re at the Threshold of HELL!”
Hindsighters, Darth and Jason realize that you are mourning the ending of the first HIH season. Luckily, for all of you already missing the holidays, your favorite podcasters are going out with a Christmas classic in January. Better yet, they are accompanied by awesome returning guest, Morgan!
This film is arguably one of the most hilarious and relatable Christmas movies in all of cinema history. Christmas Vacation teaches us the valuable lesson that having relatives over for a month-long visit would quickly devolve into The Hunger Games, especially if Katherine burns the turkey again.
In all seriousness, when Count Rugen’s brother and bitchy Elane Benes are your uptight, yuppie neighbors, adding relatives like Cousin Eddie to equation can make the Christmas season a stressful one to endure.
The best way to survive such a season is to follow this sage holiday advice:
- Be sure to constantly chug egg nog out of moosen cups from Wally World.
- NEVER hang a realistic Clark Griswold from the side of your house; an idiot will call the cops.
- If you’re a plastic, light-up Santa and reindeer set, avoid the Griswold home at all costs.
Jason would argue that Santa could regenerate himself and his reindeer as the supernatural being of Christmas Vacation, but Darth doesn’t want to go there.
Hindsighters, our final thought from this Christmas season is this: Go full Griswold with your Christmas dreams. If you shoot for the moon, you might land in a backyard pool.
Darth and Jason would also like to thank each and every one of their listeners for making this such a successful first year of #HindsightIsHorrifying. Your continued listenership and support mean the world to us, and we could not be more grateful.
And before they get uppity, Darth and Jason would also like to sincerely thank each guest who has helped make these podcast episodes so special and fun. It has been a fantastic 2019, and the trolls best watch out, because 2020 is only going to be better and brighter. This is Hindsight, and good night.
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Jingle All the Way: “It’s Turbo Time!”
Adam Darby is back to make Darth and Jason feel as old as possible. Young Adam was FOUR in 1996, you guys (he totally missed the Olympics in Atlanta). But he made up for his glaringly young age with his killer Arnold impressions. He is accompanied by his delightful girlfriend, Alyssa, who is not a policeman. She’s a PRINCESS!
In this particular film, you witness Tickle Me Elmo culture at its absolute worst. The lesson gleaned from this Christmas movie is that, if you don’t get your kid a toy for Christmas, he will become Darth Methamphetamine. Also, your postman will threaten to blow up a radio DJ. So get your kid that special toy they want; Polly Pocket might be a choking hazard, but not in a David Carradine kind of way.
Jingle All the Way displays the typical 90s trope of terrible dads attempting to make up their bad behavior in extreme ways. #Hindsighters, NEVER miss your kid’s karate concert; you’ll never hear the end of it and Phil Hartman WILL try to eat your wife’s cookies.
On this podcast for the TV Generation, we never look back on our childhoods with cynicism, just friendly advice:
- If you want to nail your neighbor’s wife, don’t forget to train your pet reindeer to attack said neighbor.
- Booster is the Dane Cook of the Turbo Man universe.
- “If you wanna get your cat drunk … do it responsibly.” – Jason Mitchell
- Virtual Flashing is a thing, and fellas, we women are here to tell you that we don’t want unsolicited pictures of your junk.
Hindsighters, this has been a fabulous Christmas season. Your favorite podcasters have thoroughly enjoyed ruining your most beloved Christmas films and have to warn you that there is only one more #HIH episode for the next few weeks. Enjoy listening to Darth and Jason while they are wild and unchecked, because 2020 will be a rude awakening with many changes to come (phrasing, first, BOOM!).
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Home Alone: “You Guys Give Up, or Are You Thirsty for More?”
In case you wonder why you suddenly can’t hear him, Jason had to abandon his own podcast (McCallister style) mid-episode. He doesn’t give two figs about you listeners. Luckily, Cece and Darth plugged along just fine without him. Jason’s disappearance may actually be a mercy in this case, because he starts the episode by having a stroke on the sound board. Just consider it an upgrade, #Hindsighters, because who WOULDN’T trade in #OldManJason for two beautiful ladies?
According to Cece, Home Alone is the ultimate comfort movie, whether you’re having a bad day, or simply being tried for murder. Either way, no amount of stress warrants banishing your 8-year-old to an unfinished attic, whether or not said attic has lighting.
On that note, #Hindsighters, Home Alone teaches us that when you do get locked in the attic for the night and subsequently wish your family out of existence, your anti-Wet Bandit game had better be strong when that wish comes true.
This isn’t to say that Darth and Jason don’t root for the Wet Bandits (who are cartoonishly impervious to pain) when they watch Home Alone. Your favorite podcasters realize and love the fact that a large portion of their fan base is compiled of badass criminals and their pet kangaroos. #Australia
Speaking of criminals, let’s all take a Christmas moment to empathize with Macaulay Culkin. The guy could use a break. His parents sucked, Michael Jackson “never” molested him, and Joe Pesci bit the poor kid’s finger so hard that he left a scar. To top it all, his fictional mother abandoned her bebe at Christmas! Your podcasters are honestly convinced that Buzz took better care of his spider than the McCallisters took care of Kevin. What the hell, Hollywoo?!?!?
On a different note altogether, #Hindsighters, while it is normally Jason boring your darling Darth Jader with conspiracy theories, Darth has to wonder if Mrs. McCallister purposely abandoned her child at Christmas in order for him to recognize his self-sufficiency. Think about it. That little kid does laundry better than most grown-ass men.
This possibility and Kevin’s insane skills at home security make your favorite podcasters yearn for a remake of Home Alone where Kevin is an integral team member to the Hans Gruber gang; John McClane won’t stand a chance. THERE’S YOUR CHRISTMAS MOVIE.
Hindsigthers, Darth and Jason are thoroughly enjoying ruining some of your childhood favorites this holiday season. So stock up on tarantulas, paint cans, and red-hot branding irons, because this Christmas party is just getting started.
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How the Grinch Stole Christmas. The one with Jim Carrey
In a magical world that exists on a snowflake…Cindy Lou Who is an antagonist! WHO knew? We’ll see ourselves out…
This week, Darth and Jason welcome brand new (and unsuspecting) guest, Alli, to discuss How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
Hindsighters, this episode forces Darth and Jason to ask … WHY HE GOTTA BE A GREEN GRINCH?!? The Whos might be impervious to gravity and concrete, but greenism still hurts.
Your favorite podcasters may never be able to solve the mystery of unsolicited racism in a children’s Christmas movie, but they cannot rest until they determine whether yak hair costumes merit torture training. Can someone get Sarah Jessica Parker on the phone? She would know.
Hindsighters, you’ve got to love it when a 30 minute Christmas classic transforms into a 2 hour feature film with jokes about key parties and cuckolding. Sometimes, Hindsight ruins a childhood. Regardless, if you’re Jason’s neighbor, you’re certainly a sex offender, but only on Halloween.
Darth and Jason would love to distract you from this ugly Halloween truth with some lessons from life and this super “wholesome” movie:
- Star Wars is all about perspective and carefully accepted delusion.
- The Grinch would have LOVED Hans Gruber.
- Cancelling plans that you made with yourself is unacceptable.
The real lesson is that we all grew up to be the Grinch. The good news is that none of us grew up to be Mike Myers in Cat in the Hat … except for Darth and Jason’s trolls. Your most hated podcasters will pray for you.
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Die Hard: “F** California…”
Yippee-ki-yay, melon farmers! This week, Darth learned that Die Hard is based on a Roderick Thorpe novel; she also learned that Jason and Adam Brown do a good deal of their podcast research in the bathroom.
Darth would give all the bearer bonds in the world to unlearn this information.
Adam Brown joins Darth and Jason as they continue to celebrate the month of Christmas! In this 80s classic, we join the heroic John McClane as he faces down a murderous potions master and a (nearly) indestructible ballerina. John displays great creative and artistic ability when he decorates a terrorist’s sweater for Christmas before cutting his feet on a ridiculous amount of glass.
Die Hard forces your favorite podcasters to ask: What is it with Christmas movies and ear damage?!? If you don’t suffer partial/permanent hearing loss from loud blanks, then a pharmacist is slapping your ears bloody. Regardless, Christmas movies seem to feature an unusual amount of ear abuse. You may be claiming that Die Hard is not, in fact, a Christmas movie, but it is and you’re wrong.
Regardless of your feelings about Die Hard’s Yuletide qualities, your favorite podcasters care about your safety, #Hindsighters, so remember this helpful tip: When you find yourself in a dangerous hostage situation, be sure to bump some cocaine from your shoulder pad stash before negotiating with your German kidnapper.
That’s not the only lesson to take from this Christmas classic. Upon viewing Die Hard for roughly the billionth time, Darth and Jason determined:
- The F word has the most exquisite mouth feel of all swears
- Karl is the Jesus of Die Hard
- Anyone who hasn’t seen Die Hard is a communist…or a small child. Either way, they need to get their shit together
The final takeaway is that Darth Jader would NEVER leave Bruce Willis for a fancy job or a younger man, but she would absolutely walk barefoot through broken glass to have lunch with Alan Rickman. ‘Cause she’ll work hard…or die trying, girl.
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A Christmas Story: “I didn’t say ‘fudge’.”
Hindsighters, by this point you’re well aware that Darth and Jason enjoy ruining your favorite childhood films. To that end, how could the director of Porky’s NOT be responsible for one of the most beloved Christmas movies of all time? It’s only natural to graduate from glory holes and move on to what Jason calls “the Shark Week of Christmas.”
On the very first Christmas episode of your favorite podcast, Darth, Jason, and Meg discuss one of the most nostalgic Christmas movies in the history of cinema. On the subject of nostalgia, #Hindsighters, don’t you miss the pre-Internet days of paddle spankings and soap sucking? Asking for a friend.
Despite the fact that Jason is TOTALLY Old Man Parker, your beloved podcasters have no special love for A Christmas Story. They’re lying; everyone and their mom loves this movie. Anyone who says differently is selling something, and it’s probably Ovaltine. Allow Darth and Jason to dispel the inappropriate rumor you’ve all heard about A Christmas Story: Peter Billingsley is NOT an “above average” porn star; however, Scott Schwartz may have dipped his toe into the porn pool. Regardless, don’t allow this to sour your holiday season. You can rest easy knowing that Ralphie never sold his body to the smut industry.
Beyond avoiding a career in porn, A Christmas Story taught us important life lessons:
- Never confuse mashed potatoes with asbestos. It’s honestly safer to shoot your eye out with your favorite bb gun.
- Sitting on a strange man’s lap is awkward, even when that strange man is Santa Clause.
Haunting your best friend is the only acceptable career option after you die.
Darth and Jason are excited to share this Christmas season with you, #Hindsighters. They wish you the happiest of holidays, filled with “Asian turkey” and Red Ryder bb guns.
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Fire in the Sky: “They took him.”
Excuse me, waiter? I’d like to order an alien movie, light on the aliens and heavy on the trucker caps.
Prepare yourselves, #Hindsighters. “Old Adam” is back, despite Darth’s vehement protestations. Your favorite podcasters apparently have no other friends. To that end, Darth and Jason have to ask: If someone can’t pass a polygraph, are they worth having as a friend? Regardless, don’t ask Jason or Adam Brown why they might have been acquitted after their own polygraph tests … they could tell you, but then they’d have to kill you.
Speaking of crimes, it’s always awkward to be accused of your best friend’s murder, especially when he’s a dumbass that you left to die in the woods because he’s attracted to pretty lights. It’s even more awkward when you have to explain this situation to James Garner and his tape recorder. Darth and Jason don’t mean to be harsh, but WHO WALKS TOWARD THE LIGHT?!?
The working theory is that Travis Walton’s Levi’s were so tight that they must have disrupted his brain function. That’s the only explanation for him going full Leeroy Jenkins towards a UFO. The lesson here is that no one wants to be probed by an alien or a parasite, so never go into the woods or a high scale condo alone. If you do find yourself in either environment, avoid wild edibles at all costs.
Darth and Jason pity the foolish alien that attempts to capture any of their Australian listeners, but in the unlikely case that you are abducted, be sure to contact Jason immediately upon your return; he doesn’t wear a bolo, but he will be there to comfort you with a Snickers and some boxer shorts.
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The Emperor’s New Groove: “BOOM, BABY!”
Hindsighters, Darth and Jason thought they would continue to provide some palate cleansing episodes between Halloween and Christmas for your listening pleasure. Mostly, your favorite podcasters hoped they would get the awful taste of Halloweentown and Shivers out of your mouth.
The Emperor’s New Groove forces Darth and Jason to ask, which band is the Halloweentown of music?
- Creed
- Nickelback
- Barenaked Ladies (this is the WRONG ANSWER)
Get excited, #Hindsighters, because our super fan, Katie has returned to discuss the beloved Disney movie where David Spade stars as…DAVID SPADE! But, you know…as a llama. Moreover, Patrick Warburton and Eartha Kitt totally steal the show as the Jack and Karen of The Emperor’s New Groove. John Goodman is supposedly still incredibly bitter about this (he was FINALLY looking forward to upstaging Roseanne).
Darth and Jason cannot stress the importance of this episode enough, listeners. Sting saves the rainforests. More importantly, Jason nearly kills a judge and discovers that John Krasinski was once Tina Turner on a show where Tom Holland now reigns supreme. While these details are shocking, no hindsight horrified Darth and Jason more than the recollection of their first guest host party, held recently at Variant Brewing. There was a precious baby animal and FAR too much discussion of marital aids; your favorite podcast hosts STRONGLY RECOMMEND skipping their next party, unless you’re they’re trolls, in which case…
Darth and Jason would be remiss if they didn’t mention the original vision of The Emperor’s New Groove. Supposedly, this film should have been the next Lion King, yet somehow wound up as the most wildly underappreciated buddy movie of all time, despite what Roger Ebert has to say. Darth and Jason will go to the mattresses on this, just not with marital aids.
Final thoughts, you ask? You favorite hosts don’t have to think hard about that. Don’t cut Yzma’s song, and NEVER INSULT Kronk’s spinach puffs. Add some extract of llama and enjoy. BOO-YAH.
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The Princess Bride: “Anybody Want a Peanut?”
Hindsighters, Darth normally writes her show notes with a mixture of condescension and sarcasm. She has to make an exception for this particular film, however, because it’s simply too perfect to critique. Jason throws some unexpected shade at Rob Reiner, but The Princess Bride simply cannot be touched.
Though Darth and Jason find it inconceivable that Wallace Shawn won’t repeat his most famous line from The Princess Bride for his fans, it’s comforting to know that Mandy Patinkin and Cary Elwes will quote any of their nostalgic lines as you wish.
On the subject of famous movie lines, Darth, Jason, and their special guest, Cece, have to make the argument that The Princess Bride might be the single most quotable movie of all time. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
Darth’s shameless plug aside, Cary Elwes is not the only one with a vault of stories about The Princess Bride. Through their research on this episode, Darth, Jason, and Cece discovered that Fezzik and Buttercup may have been different actors entirely. They’re honestly unsure if Baby Jay Leno would approve. The casting of The Princess Bride is utterly flawless. In what other world would Columbo read you a bedtime story where Billy Crystal is a bitter wizard who loves MLTs?
Ultimately, there simply isn’t enough praise to lavish upon the world’s most perfect story. Every man wishes for his Buttercup, every woman wishes for her Westley. As it turns out, nothing can stop true love or Cary Elwes, not even being mostly dead.
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Aladdin – 10,000 Years Will Give You SUCH A CRICK IN THE NECK!
Welcome to the episode where our guest has such vast knowledge of the wonderful world of Disney that we couldn’t limit our discussion to just this episode’s content. Thank Variant Brewing for luring Kara to town; she traveled from out of state to drink your beer (and supposedly to guest on our podcast).
Feel free to blame our lack of focus during this episode completely on Darth; she misplaced her Aladdin VHS tape, which is the only acceptable medium for viewing this film. Subsequently, there was no movie playing while we recorded this episode, and our ADD raged out of control. However, we more than make up for our lack of direction by singing parts of your favorite songs from Aladdin.
It’s safe to say that we all remember every aspect of Aladdin, including the second song number that actually doesn’t include Robin Williams. This very song taught us at a young age that OG Madams will smack a street rat with a broom without hesitation if he disturbs her hookers.
Listeners, if you didn’t know already, you might be interested to find out that the mythical Robin Williams plays more than one character in this childhood favorite; his ability to develop and embody so many characters blows our minds to this day.
To that end, we have to mention the incredible Jim Cummings, who is every cartoon character in every animated movie that’s ever happened. He also happens to play two different characters in Aladdin. From there, add a Disney prince who is an amalgam of Tom Cruise/Michael J. Fox and throw in a magic carpet; no wonder everyone and their mom adores this 90s classic.
Unfortunately, it’s difficult to discuss Disney without also mentioning the infamous Michael Eisner, who thought he could compare to the likes of Walt by appearing with the Muppets in his weak sauce attempt to become a household name. Psh. Freaking Eisner could never hang with the likes of the great Robin Williams. And we know you weren’t wondering, but the douche Lord Farquaad was TOTALLY based on Michael Eisner. We’re not bitter.
We realize that our discussion went all across the page in this episode, but we determined some interesting things in the process:
- The Notre Dame projection is preferable to hologram clowns ANY DAY. Circus clowns that can disappear and reappear at will are the new waking nightmare.
- Kara’s husband and Jason are total drunk shoppers. How else do you wind up with a Gene Hackman portrait and more VCRs than televisions?
Listeners, we sincerely hope that you enjoyed this romp through the vibrant streets of Agrabah to Galaxy’s Edge and beyond. We know we may have frustrated you with our inability to focus on the movie, but at least you learned some fun new facts on this journey with us. If not, we couldn’t care less, and we can’t do any more damage around this popsicle stand, but you’ll always be princes to us. Made you look.
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Sleepy Hollow: “Their Heads Were Not Found Severed. Their Heads Were Not Found at All.”
Adam Sandler and Tim Burton both wear shoes. You heard it here first. You also heard the wildly disappointing rumor that Alf is inexplicably returning to television. Stay tuned for updates on this devastating possibility. Though Darth and Jason have ZERO proof, Michael Eisner is suspected.
Ichabod Crane is breathtakingly handsome in this haunting universe where mystery abounds and the Headless Horseman is simply a through line in a murderous inheritance scam.
Despite Tim Burton’s alterations to this famous folklore, Sleepy Hollow lives high up on the Alf to Seinfeld Scale. As a matter of fact, Darth and Jason value Sleepy Hollow over Beetlejuice. Deal with it.
There is so much to love about Sleepy Hollow. We have Miranda Richardson as a colonial Bond Villain. There is the awing presence of Professor Dumbledore, Uncle Vernon, Alfred, and Principal Rooney. Tim Burton built a town from scratch and Christina Ricci makes an appearance.
Above all, Darth Jader personally appreciates these three special aspects of the film:
- Johnny Depp.
- Johnny Depp.
- Johnny Depp.
Skewed preferences be damned.
The burning question about this movie remains: Did Christopher Walken or Darth Maul play the Headless Horseman better? Neither of them speak throughout the movie, but people wind up cut in half wherever Ray Park appears. Darth and Jason can’t help but admire that.
This is the final installment of our Halloween season, but don’t lost your head, #Hindsighters. More episodes to come.
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The Evil Dead: “Join Us!”
Hindsighters, the Halloween Spooktacular continues amidst movies and shows that scare, delight, and disturb. On this particular episode, Darth and Jason join Meg and Young Adam in discussing The Evil Dead, one of the most iconic Halloween films of all time.
“I’m an artisanal cheese maker and my husband binds books made of human flesh that he sells on Etsy. Our budget is $4.8 million.” That’s Darth and Jason’s fan theory as to how Dr. and Mrs. Knowby wound up with such a fabulously creepy cabin in the woods of Tennessee. It takes real money to ensure your home is properly haunted.
It’s all about the bizarrely chipper Deadites in this camptastic cult classic, where spirits possess innocent weekenders for reasons that simply aren’t clear. Regardless, The Evil Dead is still a better movie than Halloweentown.
Darth and Jason are avidly against reading aloud, especially when the book in your possession is penned in human blood. Of course, they realize that you can’t shoehorn logic into a film that includes tree rape. #ArborealDespoilment.
Speaking of which, The Evil Dead is infamous for several reasons, including its legendary practical effects. Where else are you going to see oatmeal and Alka-Seltzer explode from a once-human body? This movie provides visuals you never knew you needed until that first glorious time that you saw Bruce Campbell slathered in corn syrup. This film was not one of Darth’s favorites, but if you believe Meg and Young Adam (who appears in his own spooky podcast), The Evil Dead is “the quintessential Halloween movie.” Whether this film makes you want to laugh or cry, Darth and Jason are here to discuss it, so curl up beneath your favorite book shelf and “join us”.
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The Conjuring: “She’s Already Gone…and Now You’re All Gonna Die.”
What’s a violent ghost in comparison to an upside-down mortgage? In the continued exploration of what will frighten Darth to the very depths of her soul, we discuss The Conjuring, one of the highest grossing horror movies of all time.
The Conjuring takes place in a time when your diagnosis was embarrassingly published on your prescription bottle and television static still existed…
We apologize, #Hindsighters, but Darth can’t really go on with these show notes. She tried to make this movie funny, but it was simply too scary for her chicken self.
That being said, she’ll leave you with a few questions and lessons from The Conjuring:
- Ron Livingston can beat the hell out of a copier, but not a ghost? What the hell?
- Blindfolding the Seeker makes Hide ‘n’ Seek (and Quidditch) so much more exciting.
- How do you create a friendly haunting?
- Exorcisms are like horcruxes; they take a lot out of you.
The ultimate life lesson from The Conjuring, you ask? If you ever try to harm their dogs, Darth and Jason will go full Killer Whale on your ass.
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Shivers: They Came From Within! (Phrasing, boom!)
Hindsighters, steele yourselves for bodily and sexual mutilation in Shivers, where super-rapey parasites take over the residents of an upscale condo. In David Cronenberg’s wildly disturbing directorial debut, we venture back to the swinging 70s, when the women were braless and there was an ashtray at every elevator.
Seriously, tune in to this episode ONLY IF YOU DARE…
In the movie “that made Canada hate David Cronenberg”, we start off with the super awkward moment of Nick walking in on his gutted, murdered, and under-aged mistress (as happens so often). He was schtupping Patient 0, and now he’s Patient 1.
Shivers, a nightmarish hellscape of a movie, introduces phallic-shaped parasites as they violate and infect the unsuspecting (though certainly not innocent) residents of Starliner Towers. Subsequently, the condo residents turn into the horny Walking Dead and all sexual hell breaks loose.
To that end, Darth and Jason can’t help but wonder, is there no way to pull a “Walking Dead” to disguise yourself from horny zombies? Instead of covering yourself in the guts of the dead, couldn’t you just randomly start stripping or moaning? Would the Cronenbergs leave you alone in that case?
Darth and Jason would like to think so, and they’d also like to point out that NOTHING was learned from Shivers save for this sage lesson:
- If you want to afford spiders for your movie, don’t blow your budget on tempera paint.
Finally, Darth would like to thank the acADAMy for her freshest bout of emotional and mental scarring. Needless to say, Adam Brown is now dead.
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“That’s Not My Scarecrow.” – Jeepers Creepers
If you can dodge The Creeper, you can dodge a ball! Thank you for joining us for Katie’s 6th appearance on the podcast! She is the reigning champion of #HIH appearances, so eat her dust, Adam Brown.
In this particular horror film, there’s no lotion involved, even though the murderer requires the freshest, most fear-infused skin in order to Dorian Gray himself in the most gruesome way possible. To that end, we have to wonder if Buffalo Bill or The Creeper is more evil.
Either way, this movie demonstrates that self-taxidermy is the ultimate survival tool and decoration skill. How else are you going to remain immortal in the Sistine Chapel of preserved bodies?
As horrifying as he is, The Creeper does have mad processing skills. But for you #Hindsighters at home, don’t fret if you don’t have freshly skinned human for your recipes; you can use store-bought and no one will know the difference. #BarefootHotmessa
Along with his incredible talents in butchering, Darth and Jason would be remiss if they didn’t take this opportunity to applaud The Creeper’s abilities in recycling; so few horror villains are green enough to leave only footprints when they devour and/or wear their human victims.
As far as Darth is concerned, the Creeper is basically Bobcat Goldthwait as a Whisperer with a massive torture truck (a.k.a rolling probable cause). That being said, the only thing dumber than going back to investigate a mysterious guy who’s CLEARLY throwing bloody bodies down a pipe is building a diner set on your own budget.
We can only conclude that a lack of common sense is essential to the existence of any horror movie. There’s no other way to explain why most victims in scary films don’t possess a stronger instinct to “get the hell outta here”, or at least heed the advice of cut-rate Miss Cleo.
Justin Long story short, Derry is a better escape artist than Harry Houdini (we still don’t know how he get out of that tunnel of bodies); in fact, he’s so talented that he manages to escape his own skin. #SpoilerAlert
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Hocus Pocus: “Hang Him on a Hook and Let Me Play With Him!”
Welcome to the Great British Baking Show: Witch Edition! If the Sanderson Sisters don’t become immortal on Halloween night, they will turn into dust! But don’t worry. According to Jason’s cook book, if you don’t have farm fresh witch dust, you can use non-dairy creamer, and no one will know the difference. #BareFootHotMessa
Regardless of the ingredients in your recipe, don’t let the Kurgan lick the bowl; he’ll make it weird. Also, make absolutely sure that none of your lemons come from trolls, especially those who hate the sultry tones of Darth Jader.
Have you ever seen a cat inflate after being destroyed by a city bus? More to the point, are you even living if you haven’t? Luckily, our biggest fangirl, Katie, has returned to the studio to help us answer such questions!
As children, we thought that Hocus Pocus was a movie about witches. We were so naïve. This particular movie is naught but a fable to ward children against talking black cats, mouth-stitched corpses, and ANYONE who happens to be a virgin.
Most importantly, Hocus Pocus helps us to reiterate this lesson: STOP READING ALOUD FROM CREEPY BOOKS.
Despite the Sanderson Sisters being the 3 Stooges of witches, Hocus Pocus teaches us that:
- Only bougie people drink apple cider and pumpkin spice ANYTHING.
- Vacuums SUCK as flying transport.
- Passing the Man Bar is far easier than passing than actual bar exam. Just ask Jason.
Ultimately, we want to watch Bette Midler take on Emperor Palpatine in a lightening fight. Disney? clap clap Make it so. If you make this happen, we’ll “forget” about this “children’s movie” that focused so heavily on dead cats and sweet yabbos. We “promise”…
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Are You Afraid of the Dark?: “Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society…”
Back in the day, when Melissa Joan Hart was the queen of Nickelodeon (when it was still worth watching), there was this spooky show about campfire stories. We all remember our favorite episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark?
Or do we…?
When you move into the Grey Gardens house with the Witches of Eastwick, you have to expect a visit from a ghost. However, we all know that Morning Wood is far scarier than any ghost we might encounter.
To that end, Darth can’t decide if it would be cooler to be killed by a ghost or pelted to death with gold coins. Regardless, she takes comfort in the fact that Jason will smother her with a pillow before he allows her to quote John Mulaney in her future nursing home. #Tombstonemoment
On this episode, we welcome back our friend, Marie, as we discuss “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” a show that scared the holy hell out of countless children in the 90s. During this chilling episode, we learn the importance of handing a dead child his own coat, because apparently, even ghosts get cold.
This show does leave us wondering … what’s the creepiest thing a ghost can say? “I’m cold” can’t possibly take home the gold chocolate coins.
And speaking of candy, why don’t circus peanuts take as much abuse as candy corn? Discuss.
The bits of wisdom we extract from this episode are as follows:
- It pays to be a Mouseketeer.
- Liberace could play the typewriter like a BAWSE.
- Museum exhibits that include dead bodies are TERRIBLY LOUD.
We discuss these fine points and much more on our latest episode. So, #Hindsighters, settle in and throw some non-dairy creamer onto the camp fire, because we don’t care about submitting for your approval.
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Ernest Scared Stupid: “I Sure Hope You’re From Keebler!”
On this delightful episode, Darth’s friend Jeremy (whose headstone will read “Ernest Scared Stupid ‘Expert’ #TombstoneMoment”) joins in for some Halloween fun in the studio to discuss a staple of all our childhoods, Ernest P. Worrell.
For most of us, Ernest was such a constant presence in our lives that we may forget his origin story from this film, which doomed him to dim-wittedness and garbage truck antics.
In spite of Ernest’s simple qualities, Darth wants to vacation in the Ernest multiverse, where the rules make way more sense than in the Stephen King universe. Pennywise is all-powerful, but his powers are surprisingly random and limited. Deal with IT, Young Adam. Though Ernest never defeated Sasquatch, he and the Ninja Turtles were the only heroes cool enough to attack their enemies with pizzas.
For real though, Jim Varney was someone that this world simply did not deserve. Thank goodness we still have Matt Smith, a.k.a the last Doctor that both Darth and Jason mutually adore and respect. Your beloved podcasters also respect the costumers of Ernest Scared Stupid, who clearly made more of an effort than those of Halloweentown.
Naturally, we have questions about this episode and its correlating movie:
- Why does the town sheriff have any sort of jurisdiction over the sanitation department?
- Why can’t Jason tell the difference between The Office and Golden Girls?
- Why do we even HAVE that lever?!?
Let us stop asking questions before the weight of logic crushes us beneath the shield of the paper thin plot of this movie. This won’t stop us, however, from professing our crossover theory.
Stick with us: Ernest is a supernatural being who was placed in this story…oh nevermind, that’s some utter nonsense that Jason would think up.
What we ultimately learn from this film is that trolls are weaker than milk (powdered or otherwise), and are utterly susceptible to Ernest’s tender dancing skills. Trolls are especially weaker than the pure love and memory of Jim Varney, our collective pal and beloved childhood friend. You know what we mean, Vern.
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Halloweentown: “Being Normal is Vastly Overrated.”
Welcome to the first episode of our Halloween series! In this Disney original, we join a brand new guest, Michele, to discuss the story of a powerful witch as she guides her innocent granddaughter down the path of the mysterious and demonic.
In this film, Aggie Cromwell has a pet purse that is clearly the bastard child of Mary Poppins’ carpet bag and the Monster Book of Monsters. #Hindsighters, we always thought that our grandmas simply didn’t want us to rifle through and subsequently disorganize their purses; now we know that they were all smuggling pentagrams and fetish dolls.
Shockingly, Jason hates this movie even more than Clueless, so he distracted himself with our latest studio toy. Oh yes, listeners, we’ve given Jason the power of sound effects, and Darth regrets everything.
In other and utterly superfluous news, Jason will henceforth be known as The Occurrence. He’ll be updating his social media handles accordingly and getting some trashy tattoos.
Despite the fluffy nature of Halloweentown, Darth and Jason took away some important lessons:
- Britney Spears is grocery store music; she has gone the way of the hair scrunchie.
- Selling your soul to a warlock for good looks is a legit way to go if it lands you date with a witch.
- Transforming a dead chicken to a live chicken inside a refrigerator is the ultimate prank.
In the Lion King, Mufasa tells Simba that “When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass.” Halloweentown, however, leaves us hanging with a deeply ecumenical and existential question: When we die, do we go to Halloweentown? Because for Jason, being eaten by antelope might be a preferable option.
Regardless of their empirical dilemmas, Darth and Jason have to give mad props to Princess Leia’s mom. Aggie is far too powerful to be defeated by a crappy warlock who roofies people with light-up Poke Balls, even if she cheats on occasion to make spells with Ramen noodle magic.
Get excited #Hindsighters, because Darth and Jason look forward to spending their first Halloween season with you. Steel yourselves for plenty of dark humor and a surprisingly diverse selection of movies, because we’re comin’ at ya. Hindsight, OUT.
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10 Things I Hate About You : “I Heard He Ate a Live Duck Once.”
DISCLAIMER Darth takes NO RESPONSIBILITY for these show notes. The men on this particular episode are the conductors of the Hot Mess Express. Also, we have to formally apologize to Randy and decent human beings everywhere because Adam Brown remains the King of wildly necessary editing.
We’re telling you, if you think that our passable material is rough, you guys don’t even want to know what we’ve had to cut. Needless to say, we require more crickets and mute buttons.
Welcome to Part II of the Battle Royale, where Darth and Katie serve up some pain to the boys in the form of a 1999 classic. This is the episode where we discover that Darth Jader can’t pronounce “subterfuge”, “reprise”, or “salsa”.
The most fascinating revelations of this episode, however, are Jason’s obsession with Oscar Isaac and Adam Brown’s crush on Don Johnson, despite being a self-described “flaming heterosexual”. Regardless, neither Oscar nor Don could keep our HIH fellas from frequenting the lesbian bars back in the day.
10 Things I Hate About You teaches us that high schoolers can get drunk and sober up at Light Speed, so a successful party is all about proper snacks and memorable moments. You need brie, table dancing drunk chicks, and a random guy falling off the roof if you expect anyone to enjoy themselves.
Listeners, let’s be honest. We know that every high school is different and they all have different agendas and criterion. However, we WILL shame your learning curve if you don’t know how to draw your own genitalia. If you’re falling behind on this lost art, consult your guidance counselor; they’re probably writing dirty novels in their office, anyway. On that note, Ms. Perky is grown-up Tina Belcher, and we are 100% here for it.
Speaking of counseling, #Hindsighters, don’t let Jason discourage your love for Harry Potter; get sorted into your Hogwarts house today! JUST TO PISS OFF JASON, HERE’S THIS LINK TO BNL because the music in this movie is incredible.
We know you’re biting your nails on the edge of your seats to find out if the guys or girls emerge victorious from this battle of wits and crass comments, so tune in now and enjoy the Battle Royale: Part Deux!
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Night Shift: Edible paper! You Eat it, it’s Gone…Eat it, it’s Outta There!
Welcome to our first (and hopefully regular) menage a quad! term trademarked by Adam Brown
Hindsighters (as Katie has aptly labeled you), it’s hoes before bros on Part 1 of this brand-new type of episode. Darth and Katie challenge Jason and Adam Brown in a cinematic battle of the sexes!
Imagine a world where Batman and alternate-universe, lackluster Fonzie open a brothel to become chivalrous hustlers in their local morgue; oh, and Batman has a mental disorder where he can only sing Jumpin’ Jack Flash.
This film is a classic case of cheering for an underdog. After all, what everyman doesn’t get ahead by becoming a pimp? Oh! Sorry about that. We meant to say “love broker”.
According to Miss Manners, “whore” is a rude term to apply to people in the sex trade. However, a whore who cooks partially naked for your man is not to be trusted, especially if she was recently busted out of Night Court. Here’s a pro tip from us to you, #Hindsighters: If a man refuses to pay you for services rendered, bite him on the ass. You’ll land your own ass in Night Court, but it’s totally worth it.
Speaking of which, Belinda might be a whore with a heart of gold, but Julia Roberts is the Disney Princess of hookers. However, Night Shift and Pretty Woman do share the important similarity that is the classic 80s montage. During the Night Shift montage, the love brokering ladies acquire fancy clothes while Fonzie stuffs money into a coffee can. The lesson here? We all celebrate differently.
We learned some other lessons from this movie:
- It’s okay to acquire money illegally so long as you spend your ill-gotten gains in an honorable fashion. Chuck might have pimped out some 80s ladies, but he did it to buy his dad a truly pimpin’ headstone. #Tombstonemoment
- Hooking is high-risk and generally low-reward; invest your money wisely, establish a 401K, and BOUNCE straight out of that profession before a John breaks your arm.
We’ve all experienced that awkward moment when underwhelming Fonzie and hooker Diane are having relationship troubles while mentally stunted Batman is stuck in the middle … this is just the kind of problem that can be solved by Variant Brewing, so long as you pair your beer with the correct Brendan Fraser movie.
Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of the Battle Royale, where we finally determine if the guys or the girls emerge victorious on a scale of Alf to Seinfeld. In the meantime, we’ll leave you with this final uplifting thought. Every time we mention autoerotic asphyxiation, an Australian takes a shot.
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The Adventures of Baron Munchausen – Is There a Doctor in the Fish?
Drop some acid, smoke some peyote. Do what you’ve got to do to prepare yourself for one of the trippiest movies of all time. But what else can you expect from Terry Gilliam, a.k.a the animation hippie of the Monty Python universe?
Welcome to The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, where suspension of disbelief and avoidance of logical thinking are your only potential survival guides in a world where the hero is named after a mental illness. To answer your question, yes. We are also surprised that this movie was given a grander budget than Highlander.
On this madcap episode, we finally figure out the name of that toy that looks like the planet Saturn. To that end, we can only assume that the film’s costume designer was intentionally trying to make Robin Williams look like a Wild Wild West Pogo Ball. If nothing else, we learn that men are far more logical and reasonable when they’re not busy being distracted by their bodily impulses. The King of the Moon did invent Spring, but he also gets super sprung whenever he sees his wife flirting with another man.
To make up for a lot of trauma, Terry Gilliam gives us some beautiful moments with Uma Thurman, who has officially joined the ranks of the Hindsight is Horrifying Babes. Uma, your certificate is in the mail.
Fun fact: Christopher Lambert was supposed to be in Baron Munchausen, but his wires didn’t lift him high enough to save him from being cut from this movie. We honestly have a hard time believing that anything was cut from this movie, because it went on for way too long.
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen forces us to ask ourselves: do our favorite childhood films only reign supreme in our unique senses of nostalgia? Or were they actually good? It’s still up for debate to this day, so we’re sorry for that lack of opinion for once. All we know is that you’ll injure yourself trying to shoe-horn logic into this film.
The most conclusive thought we can reach for The Adventures of Baron Munchausen is that giant fish, base-jumping horses, Time Lords with epically large noses, and mild nudity add up to a perfect 2-hour distraction for children.
What we know for certain is this: elephants might be afraid of mice, but that’s because they’ve never seen the demon that Meg tried to leave in Darth Jader’s house. Dolls make HORRIFYING house-warming gifts. You read it here first.
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The Lost Boys – Michael Michael Michael!
On our continued 80s kick, we discuss The Lost Boys, where the rules are made up and the lore doesn’t matter! On this episode, we welcome the hardest-working woman in show business, Alicen Cowan, who joins us to discuss the beginning of the reign of the two Coreys.
While we most certainly shed a few tears in mourning for the Head Vampire of character actors, Edward Herrmann, this movie makes for a fun stroll through the 80s, where the print was loud and the music was louder.
Canadian Kiefer Sutherland makes his first appearance in an American film as the Billy Idol of vampires, and we find that vampirism and douchebaggery are NOT mutually exclusive, especially when you rock pierced ears and sunglasses at night. Even having Alex Winter in your crew can’t save you from that look.
Listeners, it doesn’t matter if you’re caught in the throes of a vampire transformation. There is ALWAYS time for blue jean sex, but not if you’re wearing your shoes in bed.
Here are some pro tips when dealing with paranormal beings:
- When you’re dining at a friend’s house, never balk at the cuisine. Even maggots and worms can taste great when you add a little salt and pepper.
- Melting a vampire in your bathtub is always a messy business and will wreak havoc on the indoor plumbing.
Darth and Jason conclude that The Lost Boys eschews vampire tradition by having absolutely no solid rules about supernatural creatures, so that’s fun. In fact, the only traditional aspect of this vampire movie is its strong homoerotic vibes. To that end, shake things up and remember to vote Jason Mitchell for Head Vampire 2020. He may not be the perfect amalgam of action heroes like Edgar Frog, but he will put your tax dollars to work by reinstating tradition in vampire movies .
Lastly, The Lost Boys teaches us that it’s okay to drive impaired so long as the only thing you kill is a vampire. Grandpa doesn’t get stoned; he just has fun.
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Highlander: There Can Be Only One!
We got tired of having randos in our studio, so this week, it’s just your beloved Darth and Jason at the helm of this 80s classic that also poses as a complete train wreck. It’s not often that a movie offers up wrestler strip-teases AND immortal blue jean sex, but Jason selected a film that provides them both. Get excited.
We can’t decide if Clancy Brown or Tim Curry chews more scenery when they go off the improvising rails. To be fair, Clancy Brown may take home the belt when it comes to nearly murdering fellow actors, but this makes sense if you caught his performance on Rick and Morty.
Christopher Lambert was also in this movie at some point, but the real star of the film was his utterly indecipherable accent; in fact, it might be even more nonsensical than the background of his “Egyptian” mentor.
Apparently, we can blame Argentina (goodbye to yet another country) and Highlander fans themselves for the poor quality of Highlander sequels. Ultimately, Jason applies the same sense of denial to the sequels that Darth uses for Spider-Man 3. Regardless, this franchise may stand alone as the only one to ever be improved by a subsequent television series.
None of this really matters in a film where logic slices through the plot like car battery sparks through a longsword. Honestly, in a movie where quasi-Scottish Bruce Wayne cannot achieve mortal omnipotence until all the immortals are dead, your suspension of disbelief is key.
We’d be remiss, however, if we didn’t mention the most timeless aspects of this beloved 80s film. Queen’s amazing music, Peter Diamond’s legendary stunt training, and Sean Connery’s mere 7-day presence help to solidify Highlander as an immortal and treasured classic.
Our last piece of advice is this. Ladies, don’t make your man light an annual candle. White Fang his ass and die like a low-maintenance bawse.
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Ferris Bueller’s Day Off : They Think He’s a Righteous Dude!
To think, there was once a time when people felt safe enough to make out with Charlie Sheen in a police station (or anywhere else, for that matter). Welcome to the school-ditcher’s guide to Chicago!
Listeners, we welcome our first legitimate adult to the podcast, the legendary, the amazing Morgan Rodgers! Darth’s dad showed up on the scene dressed in his sophisticated take on Ferris Bueller, and it just doesn’t get more epic than that.
On this particular episode, Jason, Darth, and Morgan discuss the greatest John Hughes film of all time. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is a feel-good movie where the characters are as light as feathered 80s hair, complete with shoulder pads, leg warmers, and one seriously cool car.
To be fair, Cameron may have gotten murdered by his father after he destroyed that beautiful Ferrari, but Ferris runs home in time to witness the defeat of the evil emperor Rooney. And isn’t that what really matters?
On our journey through 1986 Chicago with Ferris and the gang, we discovered some fun facts:
- Twist and Shout was used in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Back to School. Finally, a hot meal for Paul and Ringo.
- Cameron is the protagonist and Ferris is the antagonist. Discuss.
- Danke Schoen is the gopher through-line of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
- Ben Stein has no room for improvment in his knowledge of economics.
Of course, even perfect 80s classics leave us with unanswered questions. Is Abe Froman the real Sausage King of Chicago? We may never know, and we’ll also always wonder why he never showed up to his lunch reservation at that French restaurant.
Regardless, the charm of Ferris Bueller prevails. This should be evident if for no other reason than the incredible Mr. Rodgers picked it for his episode. So jump in the Ferrari with your favorite podcasters and enjoy the ride.
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Animaniacs! Hellllooooooo, NURSE!
It’s a momentous episode, listeners, because @Darth_Jader_ and Jason Mitchell welcome their first male guest who isn’t named Adam! But that makes us sound cooler than we are, because this guest is also from our Shakespeare Troupe, a.k.a our only group of friends.
We joined our non-Adam acquaintance, our Don Jon, Randy Bampfield, this week to discuss Animaniacs and stroll down memory lane to visit other beloved childhood programming.
Who knew a cartoon could be such an eccentrically outlandish variety show? We’re just grateful that it’s nothing like The Brady Bunch Hour. Not even the Brady family had the Wheel of Morality, and they never even TRIED to take over the world.
Some of you who love Animaniacs are too young to remember President Bill Clinton on Arsenio Hall back in the day, and it shows. We’ll get over it, however, because we’ve got much bigger things to worry about, like Quentin Tarantino directing a Star Trek movie. Wubba Lubba Dubb Dubb!
Which Batman was better? Either way, we’re psyched to announce that we finally found a show that definitively proves Jason’s theory that ANY show or movie can be improved by the presence of the Dark Knight.
On this episode, we reminisce about the 80s, when America only watched cartoons starring animal/humanoid hybrids. We’re aware that you young’uns born after the 80s don’t know what Vertical Hold or Laser Discs are. Feel free to see yourselves out. All that to be said, Wendy and Marvin were the Scrappy-Doo of the Super Friends. Fight us.
What is your policy on watching nudity with your parents? Our only conclusion is that it’s awkward to watch risqué movies with the people who used to sing you Captain Kangaroo songs when you were a small child. Do with that what you will.
If nothing else, listeners, do you yourselves the favor of furthering your knowledge of our awesome guest, the talented Randy Bampfield. He doesn’t have a gun to our heads, or anything. Just go see his shows if you want to make sure that we live to podcast again.
We’ll leave you with these scintillating final thoughts:
- Tom Kenny is reaching Jim Cummings and Mark Hamill levels of ubiquity in the voiceover world.
- HD killed the special effects of older movies.
- T.A.R.D.I.S costumes should NEVER be mentioned lightly.
- Darth should stop inviting boys on this show.
Until next time, weirdos. Hindsight OUT.
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IT, PART TWO! We All Float Down Here, Georgie!
Between the Mothman and Pennywise, @Darth_Jader_ and @northfoggy are amazed that anyone still showers. Nonetheless, join us as Young Adam (amongst our flourishing Adam collection) returns for his second appearance on the exciting conclusion of Stephen King’s IT!
How do you bust a ghost? Proton packs. How do you murder a demon clown from space? Silver pellets and inhaler mist, DUH. But we would’ve paid good money to watch Harry Anderson try to defeat Pennywise with some close-up magic; not even Batman could improve a movie to that degree.
We discover upon revisiting IT that this movie has aged so poorly, yet Pennywise still has his moments. Speaking of which, are you too afraid to Google the library scene from IT? We can help with that! Just try not to flinch when the bursting balloons splash you with blood.
That being said, ladies, it’s only acceptable to be slutty with boys who have ALSO been haunted and terrorized by a clown. The marital status of said boys is irrelevant so long as they’ve helped you clean copious amount of gore out of your bathroom sink.
In that same vein, who was the better bloodletter? Was it Tim Curry or John Wayne Gacy? We think the balloon budget alone should give Pennywise an edge in this race.
Not convinced? That’s okay. Consider some lessons from IT while you ponder this epic debate:
- When your husband suddenly leaves town to “murder a clown”, that’s really just code for visiting his mistress.
- Be sure to keep the T.A.R.D.I.S meter running when you’re revisiting traumatic memories from your childhood.
- IT is the original prequel to Breaking Bad (though we doubt Saul would be very helpful in this situation).
- If you can’t get access to boobs WITHOUT climbing into a sewer, seek help immediately.
- The Deadlights are no worse than Dementors; have some chocolate and move on.
Ultimately, IT teaches us that bikes are just like clowns; they only have as much power as you grant them in your mind. That is indisputable Stephen King logic.
Our biggest issue with IT is that the Lucky 7 gathers to dispose of their worst nightmare and save the town of Derry from a scourge of child murders, but first … Chinese food. To that end, we need the fortune cookie scene to be done again with the Banana Boat song and some Calypso dancing. Hollywood? Make it so.
Seriously, though. Pennywise could have been defeated so much more quickly if the Loser’s Club included Kevin McAllister (assuming he had the proper amount of prep time).
You can’t blame the complete void of action on the Lucky 7, however. It is Pennywise who tries to outsource his murders to an unstable psychiatric patient and a Rottweiler (we may have stopped paying attention to the movie at some point).
Our official conclusion is that IT doesn’t have protagonists or antagonists…just losers. #Losersclub
But never fear, because there’s always time for a wholesome bike montage.
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Beep Beep, Richie!
This week in It, we find that Tim Curry is the Robin Williams of the horror genre. Regardless, Jim Carrey still has him beat when it comes to prosthetic teeth.
Welcome to the first ever two-part episode of Hindsight is Horrifying, where we flip the script and discuss our very first “horror” movie!
Regardless of how It has aged (cough BADLY cough), we stand by the fact that Pennywise is the OG killer clown from outer space, so all of you posers out there can stay seated alongside the not-real Slim Shadys. But seriously, guys, remember the old days of playing outside before all the rapists and killer clowns came along?
On this oddly humorous episode about a blood-thirsty clown demon, @northfoggy and @Darth_Jader_ are delighted by the company of Young Adam (not to be confused with “Old Adam” or “Really Old Adam”). Listeners, we may have a problem. How many Adams are too many Adams? Does it make a difference if we met them in a Shakespeare group? We can only hope that Neil Degrasse Tyson has come up with an algorithm for such things.
Along with the excitement of a brand new guest, Jason lauds us with a tale of his journey to Galaxy’s Edge at Disneyland. And, in case you haven’t heard, this incredible new installment of the Disney Universe includes a character invented by one of Darth’s oldest friends! True story! Delilah S. Dawson, famous author and general badass, created the character of Vi Moradi, who you can read about in Phasma and actually meet at Galaxy’s Edge! But you’ll have to beat Darth Jader there, and she can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
IT forces us to ask an important question: If the Murtaugh’s house was just around the corner from the sewer of Georgie’s demise, where was our favorite cop buddy duo during this time of crisis in Derry? DAMN IT, RIGGS!
And speaking of multiverses, teenyverses, and the like, Billy Madison and It have more in common than you might know. Our personal multiverse theory is that the clown from Billy Madison takes a nasty fall and sustains a head injury which transforms him into Pennywise. #trademarked
We have many general observations after this particular episode:
- Comas can be cured by bike rides.
- For all the murders and dismemberment in It, at least the pharmacist is nice, unlike the evil druggist in It’s a Wonderful Life.
- Some of you lucky listeners still don’t understand the skill it took to live in a time before the “previous” button on TV remotes, and it shows.
- A large rock will kill nearly anyone (including Rick and Summer). It turns out, you don’t need an inhaler or silver pellets to commit clown murder.
- Jonathan Brandis and John Ritter were awesome.
Ultimately, the real mystery remains: besides the temptation of @DragonCon and girls, how could It lure you into a sewer? We have to know. Blow us up on the Countenance Novel, Tweeter, or a relevant social medium. Listeners, we’ve had a lot of fun tonight. But despite our funny remarks and nonchalance, don’t think we haven’t taken this episode seriously. We know that many of you are dealing with past trauma and abuse that just might be surfacing in your adult minds, but don’t think you’re alone. Reach out. If you need help, please consult our most trusted advisor, Repressed Memory Emily. She may not remember anything you say, but she’s always there to listen.
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So, on this episode, JASON SCREWED SOMETHING UP. The long and short of it is that Jason managed to “accidentally” lose the first few minutes of this episode. For his ineptitude, we do apologize. If you want to eviscerate him, feel free to troll him on Twitter or Instagram at @northfoggy.
LISTENERS! Shawann (wanny.g) has never heard of Nirvana, which makes Darth and Jason feel incredibly old; your favorite podcast hosts keep bringing on younger and younger guests … maybe something needs to change.
In this episode, we do much wonder … what would a sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire even look like? Don’t bother answering, because we know you can’t improve upon perfection, and we aren’t interested in anyone trying.
Improvisation is the name of the game in this Robin Williams classic. And just in case you’re wondering, listeners, Robin Williams and Jim Carrey are the goofy kings of Darth’s heart. What other men can be 90 different characters in less than an hour? On top of which, how many actors would commit to so many hours of makeup application just to bring a character to life?
No matter the project, Robin Williams was the pig. Confused? Don’t be. Because when it comes to bacon and eggs, the chicken was involved, but the pig was COMMITTED (Dustin Hoffman, you just got schooled) #Tootsie .
Kidnap our daughters all day long; DON’T KILL OUR DOGS. Lesson learned, Liam Neeson: put a bell on your damned kid. Why doesn’t your “particular set of skills” include keeping track of your daughter BEFORE she gets kidnapped?
Here’s our Hollywood pitch (instead of yet another Taken sequel): re-cast the Paul Feig Ghostbusters, but make sure all actresses commit to a Desert Island situation before they ever film the movie. If that won’t build chemistry between the stars, nothing will. We’ll loan them our volley ball.
Venturing back to Mrs. Doubtfire, this movie teaches us many great lessons. Here are just a few:
- There’s NOTHING that Mental Floss doesn’t know. For instance, in Mrs. Doubtfire, Robin Williams says the word “dear” over 100 TIMES. It’s intense.
- Halloween is the best holiday, second only to DragonCon, Darth’s highest of holy holidays.
- You might not be aware, but Jason LOVES Community and Babylon 5.
- Darth can bring ANYTHING back to Pirates of the Caribbean.
- Much like the Toy Story franchise, Mrs. Doubtfire will literally rip out your heart and soul (That one’s pretty obvious, but we felt compelled to mention it).
Despite all these valuable lessons, we still have some questions: Who the HELL has an allergy to pepper?!? Also, are you really having a stroke if you smell pizza instead of toast?
Regardless, Mrs. Doubtfire remains a beloved favorite in our hearts. It was the first movie to introduce us “drive-by fruitings”. Seriously, though. The Genie throws an orange at James Bond. It’s awesome.
This movie, like so many Robin Williams projects, will leave you feeling both uplifted and melancholy, but wasn’t that the real magic of our favorite comedian?
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DAMN IT, RIGGS!
The special word of today’s episode is…”HOOKER”!
Seriously, though, everyone and their mom is naked at the beginning of Lethal Weapon. We don’t see how this movie COULDN’T remind you of The Color Purple. Listeners, here it is. We don’t care how big of a birthday he’s having. It is NEVER acceptable to surprise your dad with a cake while he’s naked in the tub.
When your prostitute daughter commits non-Kevorkian style suicide, who can you call but Roger Murtaugh and Martin Riggs? This hooker/heroin conspiracy is, quite simply, one of the top 5 Christmas movies of all time. To that end, whenever you find yourself in a Christmas tree lot, never forget to use the Fun Dip method of testing cocaine with your knife.
We interrupt this description to make a few announcements:
- Here at #HindsightIsHorrifying, we don’t believe in product placement. #DrinkVariant
- Contrary to Jason’s impression, Clark Gable was not trying to commit suicide in WWII.
- Darth was also incorrect about the details behind the passing of Steve Irwin; she formally apologizes to cameramen everywhere and sincerely hopes that you’re all still alive.
Mel Gibson IS the lethal weapon. He’s basically Jairo from @BobsBurgersFOX; he takes down Mr. Joshua with sexy dance fighting (belated spoiler alert). John Roberts, you’re Darth’s TV mom and she loves you.
Fun fact: In the 80s, women were only allowed to do cocaine if they were dressed as a catholic school girl or a dominatrix. Thankfully, we’ve moved passed that in 2019. #Feminism
Lethal Weapon begs the question: Is it better to smuggle heroin in coffee or egg nog? Either way, sloths make rather considerate neighbors.
Can anyone put Darth in touch with the helicopter pilot from this movie? She wants to shake his hand, but not as badly as she wants Mel Gibson to murder her with his thighs. She wants you to Jailhouse Rock her world. #TombstoneMoment
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This week, Jason and Katie enjoy their Dark Alchemy and Moon Cloud from Variant Brewing while Darth is denied her Raspberry Lemon Gose; she makes due with the delicious Conditional Love. Whoever bought the last of her favorite crowler, you know who you are and you’re dead to us.
We are totally buggin’ in this episode where you can practically hear Jason’s manhood dying a slow, painful death as Darth and Katie discuss dresses and how dreamy Paul Rudd is. We ask you, who DOESN’T want an ex-step brother to fall in love with?
As inconceivable as it seems to have Wallace Shawn in a 90s teen flick, he makes an appearance to teach the youth of America about debate and Haitians. Fortunately, he avoids getting into a land war in Asia along the way.
There are quite a few takeaways in this week’s episode:
- Despite his ability to shave his head and keep it real, Turk just doesn’t look right without J.D.
- The 688 club was basically Atlanta’s Studio 54 back in the day, but Dicky Barrett couldn’t stage dive well enough to play there.
- Jason is a “professional” man who represents the entire male species. You can tweet your displeasure about this to @northfoggy.
We also get some really great dating lessons from Clueless.
To have the perfect date night, bake some cookie dough for your cake boy and binge some Tony Curtis. Just make sure you don’t fall off the bed when you strike a pose. Also, if you want to sound smart in front of a man, make sure to mention the existential nature of Ren & Stimpy. But if a guy doesn’t return your affections, ladies, just blow off school and catch the new Christian Slater!
The ultimate dating questions are whether you are a Betty or a Monet? A Baldwin or a Barney? You’ll never land a sibling significant other until you find out.
As always, listeners, we appreciate you tolerating our weekly bout of nonsense.
We’re Audi.
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You listeners are getting lucky tonight, because there’s no actual death or rape in Much Ado About Nothing!
We’re changing it up and going Inside the Actors Studio in this very special episode to discuss our upcoming play in Alpharetta. Join us in interviewing the stars of the show, Darth Jader and Adam Brown!
Narcissism and slut-shaming run deep in the play that taught many of us about the fine line between love and hate. After all, we ladies know that boys only pull the hair of the girls that they like. Isn’t the hair-pulling process how most of us wound up married?
The undisputed fact is this: Who run the world? GIRLS. We’re the reason you fellas lurched out of your caves in the first place (and some of us even bring you beer). Seriously, though, listeners; Beatrice is Darth’s Beyoncé.
In this particular episode, we wonder if you have to be damaged to perform Shakespeare. If you do, Adam and Darth have that market cornered, so bring on the emotional trauma. Regardless, if you get stabbed, it doesn’t matter to the stake.
The real question is, are you anti-Stratford like Adam, or are you on Darth and Jason’s side (a.k.a the winning team)?
Notwithstanding, be #TeamShakespeare and join us this weekend for Much Ado About Nothing to witness Beatrice and Benedick as the original wedding crashers. We have two shows left on May 18th and 19th at the Alpharetta Arts Center, so don’t miss out!
Whether you enjoy our show with us or not, we’ll leave you with these thoughts:
- Don’t be like Ophelia. You might be ruined, but you’re not as stabby as Mel Gibson.
- “There is one god, and his prophet is Bill Bryson.” – Jason Mitchell
- According to Adam, David Tennant is the greatest Scottish actor since Lenny Bruce.
- If a woman’s bedroom is adorned in Disney, hit the eject button.
- We’ll take Jessica Williams and Randy Bampfield over Denzel and Keanu any day.
Until next time, listeners, adieu. Darth and the boys are off to crash a sex party.
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Death Race 2000: Try Not to Think About Auto Erotic Asphyxiation.
On this week’s episode, Jason gains gender support from our first male guest, podcast virgin, Adam, who selected one of the most bizarre and fantastic movies that Darth has ever seen. And she remembers the time of VHS!
You might be surprised that Adam was disciplined enough to stay dry during our run of Much Ado About Nothing until Darth and Jason got a hold of him; we’re such a bad influence on our guests. But if we’re going to peer pressure a friend into drinking, we’ll make sure they’re drinking Variant because our product placement is on point.
On a different note, we wouldn’t assume that we’d have to tell you this, listeners, but consider yourselves warned, because In Man vs. Car, the car always wins. This is especially true if two brothers with a strong bond are driving a van over your pathetic fisherman body.
Machine Gun Joe has Bene-real-dick (we’ll see ourselves out). But seriously ladies, remember to keep something sweet in your ear unless you want a swift punch to the face.
With that not-so-subtle nod to a Shakespearean character, we’re expecting ALL of you to attend our show that opens this weekend, May 10, at 7:30 pm in Wills Park. This invite includes all our Aussie friends. You’ve got time; buy a plane ticket.
You listeners have no idea how hard Adam and Darth have been working on this play; they went so far with their characterization that they’re not even sure who they are anymore. If you’re interested in discovering their process, it’s something akin to the Emma Stone method from The Actress. Despite their best efforts as actors, however, Adam and Darth are simply too wise to squanch peaceably.
Also, Jason is the director of the play…or, something. No one really cares.
As always, we can’t let you leave us without some parting wisdom learned from Death Race 2000:
- There’s nothing sexier than a man who slowly peels off his pleather gimp suit before making love to you with his 6 Million Dollar Man parts.
- Don’t call Adam “Benedict”; he’ll be a real dick about it (once again, we’ll see ourselves out).
- It’s never okay to Cosby your navigator. Keep your puddin’ pop in your pants, fellas.
Finally, to all our ladies out there: Improve your three-point-turn if you don’t want to be blown up by a landmine or a “hand grenade”.
Until next time, keep that blood lust pumping.
After all, you can’t earn points without mowing down some infants and geriatrics.
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SOMEBODY, STOP ME!
And the Oscar for Tightest Red Dress goes to…Cameron Diaz (a.k.a. the human Jessica Rabbit in The Mask)! Don’t be fooled, gang. Jason pretends to hate this amazing movie while TOTALLY appreciating all of Cameron’s ASSets. The lesson to be taken from this is that you, too, can fall in mutual VD if you wait long enough for the hot girl to settle for you.
Welcome back to 1994, the year that Jim Carrey revealed himself as the mischievous god of comedy who would come to rule Darth’s imagination and heart. Oddly enough, this was the same year that Jason was still catering to (not FOR) all the johns of the city. It’s honestly the only reason why he’s able to smoothly incorporate prostitute humor into his Dad Jokes.
The Mask shows us that Stanely Ipkiss was the inspiration for Ted Buckland on Scrubs. Also, Nathan Lane now performs at the Coco Bongo club; he’s basically the Lady Chablis of South Beach.
We normally don’t do what we’re about to do, so pay attention, listeners, and get excited, for we have some historic news. #HindsightIsHorrifying is officially hosting our first male guest! He will be joining us on our next episode to discuss Death Race 2000 as well as our upcoming show in Alpharetta, Much Ado About Nothing. This Shakespearean production is directed by Jason Mitchell, in spite of some promotional misunderstanding.
Now, we understand that some of you simply don’t love us enough to cross oceans for this free show that we’re putting on next week for our parents. That being said, stay tuned to find out where we will be live streaming our Shakespearean production. Aussies, we’re counting on you. Show us that love from Down Under.
Did you know that The Mask and Archer only implement sodomy in the strictest legal definition? Welcome back to the movie description. We felt you guys were getting a little off topic with that Shakespeare nonsense.
Anyway! Working backwards, Artie from Kimmy Schmidt = Lt. Kellaway from The Mask = Boone from Animal House. We knew that would blow your mind up just like a circus balloon shaped by a carnie in a dark alley!
Don’t think we’re letting you get away without the important lessons learned from this movie:
- Monogamy is NOT a type of wood.
- If you ever hear Darth don a British accent, don’t believe a word she says.
- All henchman should have fabulous hair and all FBI agents should hold hands.
- Hootie & the Blowfish should never try to rob a bank.
- White Fanging is ONLY okay with girlfriends and bosses, not dogs. Who else is going to find your keys OR your cheese?
Lastly, we realize that there was an actual lesson in this movie. Stanley Ipkiss had the courage he needed all along, even without the mask. So if he ever goes looking for his heart’s desire again … oh wait, he already found it with Tina Carlyle, so he’s all set.
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Have you ever felt like the puppy who lost his way? Welcome to Billy Madison.
Disclaimer: There is NO PROVEN CORRELATION between Adam Sandler movies and cancer
Get excited for Nudey Magazine Day! In this 1995 classic, we discover that we would have learned so much more in high school if only Chris Farley had been our strip-tease tutor. (Odd how Chris Farley keeps popping up on this show.) Darth and Jason also demand the IMMEDIATE reinstatement of Dodgeball and Red Rover in schools.
Quick question: If a clown falls off a pair of stilts in the middle of a party…does he make a sound? More importantly, does anyone even notice until the song number?
After re-watching Billy Madison, Darth is left wondering if her own first grade teacher used to seize to sitar music while slathering herself with glue. But it’s not a totally bewildering loss, because Jason teaches Darth the invaluable lesson that, if you want to bag you a man, bring him some Snack Pack or Popeyes chicken. Just don’t chase an imaginary penguin around your father’s estate or act like Juanita. Men don’t care for that.
You’ll be excited to learn that we’ll be selling tickets to the Pete Sampras vs. Jason Mitchell/John McEnroe dodgeball fight. Samuel L. Jackson is scheduled to appear. The penguin told us to do this. We WILL NOT, however, be challenging the roller derby chicks because they would beat our asses. Rather, they and all UFC fighters are welcome to attend the dodgeball fight for free, regardless of the state of their ears.
That isn’t to say that Darth is scared of anyone, for her grandma dressed her to defeat the wind.
In case you needed some random information, we’ve got it here:
- Jason thinks that ducks look like penises. In case you were wondering.
- Snuffleupagus is NOT a Heffalump; stop being racist.
- Slap Bracelets are essentially vintage bondage equipment.
Also, Darth can’t actually prove that her dad is alive since his social media is utterly defunct. But Morgan Rodgers is greater than the Infinity Stones. And keep in mind that Darth is anosmic…a girl has no god. So SUCK IT, Thanos.
For those listeners of ours dealing with stress and life in general, just put on some slapdash lipstick, cross someone off your “To Kill List”, and chill out Steve Buscemi style. If you made Steve’s list in the first place, maybe you’ll get to go out like a man with this glorious message on your tombstone: Shot in the ass by Steve Buscemi.
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A long time ago, in a Hollywood far, far away…
It is a time of upheaval for the Bushwood Country Club. Caddies run amok and dress like John Travolta, striking fear into the hearts of pool-goers. An evil version of Forrest Gump faces the ultimate challenge of exterminating a gopher that sounds like a dolphin.
Despised for his loud clothing and louder personality, Rover Dangerfield wreaks random havoc on a boat. It is up to Chevy Chase and his rebel band of duffers to defeat the evil Emperor Judge and win a scholarship for a catholic kid with too many siblings…
If you’re enjoying Darth’s Star Wars intro, you’ll LOVE Jason’s A-Team/Star Wars mashup.
So, on this particular episode, Darth almost kills Jason with a Welcome Back Cotter impression. We find out that Jason would golf if dinosaurs were involved. And Darth simply can’t tell if Jason loves Lauren Graham or Daniel Craig more. She’s guessing Daniel Craig.
Kenny Loggins (a.k.a K-Logg) is alright with the choice to not use Pink Floyd and Darth is not afraid to ring her judgement bell. But they’re both afraid of a bad touch, especially if Ricky is not there to protect them.
Jason and Darth honestly don’t know how Harold Ramis had the time to shoot Caddyshack when he had the option to party with Chevy Chase, Bill Murray (who we’ve talked about before), and Rodney Dangerfield (note the Oxford comma). Your beloved co-hosts are genuinely impressed with Harold’s self-discipline.
Forrest Gump might have invented the pole dance along with his many other accomplishments. But sometimes, there just aren’t enough gophers.
Despite Darth’s feelings about him appearing on The Office, behold Will Ferrell as a cat for his SNL Audition (around minute 7). It’s pure genius.
As always, huge shout-out to @VariantBrewing for delicious crowlers and to @Kmisencik for making our show relevant. We appreciate you both, along with all of you amazing Aussies out there.
Our final thoughts is this: If you want to blow up a golf course, just take its owners out to lunch to distract them while you do it. After all, golf courses are death traps for dogs.Till next time, our Cinderella Boys. Hindsight, out.
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Welcome to the afterlife of arbitrary rules and DMV lines: Beetlejuice!
BREAKING NEWS: JASON HATES PETER JACKSON AND ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. He also doesn’t know the difference between Australia and New Zealand or Julia Roberts and Geena Davis (who was in Thelma and Louise, The Fly, and Earth Girls are Easy, just to name 3). You can make fun of him on Twitter at @northfoggy. Get him, Internet!
It turns out, there’s no crying in baseball or in death, because the Maitlands take their horrific end in total stride. That being said, we co-hosts learned some very important lessons from this super child-unfriendly movie. A couple of those lessons are as follows:
- If you’re provided a detailed guide book about the ins and outs of life after death, read it.
- NEVER go into business with an independent contractor who kisses your dead wife.
- Don’t treat the ghosts who haunt your house like your trained Schnauzer dog.
- If you want your kids to be straight edge and get good grades, raise them right with ghosts and Calypso music.
- Tony Cox was the preacher at Beetlejuice’s wedding (mind=BLOWN).
What can we say? Beetlejuice contained a surprising amount of life lessons. A lesson you listeners should learn from us is, if you’re watching the movies along with us, we don’t break for our own tangents. Get on our level.
Furthermore, Jason and I may not agree on who played the best Batman, but we know for a fact that Bird Person is better than Birdman.
At this point, we realize that you’re probably getting sick of us, but stay tuned anyway, because Jason and I will be selling tickets to the Michio Kaku vs. Neil Degrasse Tyson throw down. We are currently taking bets at DarthJader@HindsightisHorrifying.com (If that is the correct email. At this point we might just be screwing with you).
If you want to hear an episode about the great Rover Dangerfield, just tweet us incessantly or drop us a line. Darth will make it so. Lastly, Johnny, if you’re listening, @Darth_Jader‘s knowledge of and love for you is vast; she’ll defend you to the Depp. And she’ll see herself out.
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Welcome to dime-a-dozen crimes and extremely dirty humor!
Happy birthday! Jason turns 40 and tells us about a show from his childhood back in the early 1900s. Just kidding, we discuss the hilarious and wacky Night Court, which aired in 1984.
This show is so dirty that even the kids who appear in the episodes are scandalously licentious. We hosts are honestly surprised that Jason’s parents ever let him watch this show. Shame on you, Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell.
Despite this show’s filthy humor, it was a more innocent time; Bill Cosby wasn’t yet revealed to be The Puddin’ Pop Bandit.
To be honest, @Darth_Jader_ doesn’t recognize many actors from this show with the sole exception of John Larroquette(a.k.a the Quagmire of this show) who appeared on the Galentine’s Day episode of Parks and Recreation.
Night Court begs the question: Are there professional sperm-testers? If so, you can defile yourself into a Porsche. Lesson learned: Donate sperm.
On this episode, catch Darth’s rendition of “Elderly Prostitute”, originally performed by Eugene Mirman on Bob’s Burgers. Speaking of prostitutes, here’s some friendly dating advice. FELLAS: Learn how to speak VERY slowly to bag a lady who is wildly out of your league. LADIES: get ALL the pudding you can, by whatever means necessary.
Also, Darth messed up, because Matt Damon actually went to Harvard, not Yale. Darth’s official position on this matter is that she’s sorry that Matt feels like he deserves an apology for this mishap. MATT DAMON.
Fun facts: Did you know that Sumo Wrestlers can only speak Fast Food? Also, Judge Reinhold is NOT a real judge, but Night Court was created by a guy named Reinhold.
Our final thought: Now that Rudy Giuliani is no longer mayor, NYC is returning to its former disgusting splendor.
NBCDontSueUs #AllRiiiight
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Don’t touch the pharaoh’s woman!
This week, we discover that Jason is an Imhotep fangirl, even though the ancient Egyptian turns out to be more chupacabra than mummy in his afterlife.
This film might be cheesy, but it is cherished, and is the pick of our super special guest, @kmisencik, who knows way more about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes than anyone should.
She also knows a fair bit about The Mummy. For instance, Brendan Fraser actually died for a brief moment while filming this movie; we’re lucky that he made it out of this project alive and not as a mummy.
As always, we learned a few things on our podcast:
- The Sop, Drop & Roll by Variant Brewing is the best beer to pair with a Brendan Fraser movie.
- Mummies and dinosaurs make great fuel.
- The Japanese Thriller cut of The Mummy is so much better than the theater version. You can buy it on Amazon.
Another important life lesson is that Scarabs are NOT cocaine-fueled flesh monsters. Regardless, listeners, if we die, don’t put us down for #DeathByScarab. And when someone else dies, don’t mummify them; raid their pockets for liquor!
It turns out, the writers of The Mummy selected from a buffet of plots from both history and the Bible. That being said, if you don’t want to raise a cursed mummy from the dead, DON’T READ OUT LOUD (and don’t bite any apples). Women have only been allowed to read for so long; let’s not ruin that.
On a separate note, did anyone ever notice that Beni is a soulless, multi-lingual HUSTLER? Because we sure did. In fact, we’re pretty sure that Beni and O’Connell might be the original frenemies. They’re essentially the OG Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Especially since Brendan Fraser’s new duffel bag line of weapons drops this summer.
But enough about women who contribute nothing to society. As much as Katie and Darth hate that one of their favorite movie heroines got Myth Busted, we’ll love Evie till the very end and beyond. After all, “Death…is only the beginning.”
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ARE YA READY, KIDS?!
Welcome to the episode where Jason phones it in until we find out what he specifically hates about SpongeBob, which is EVERYTHING! Seriously, listeners; Jason thinks that SpongeBob killed Laura Palmer. Can someone get Kyle MacLachlanon the phone?
Darth honestly does her best to keep Jason on topic in this episode, but his dementia only allows him to concentrate on any given topic for so long. Either way, please try to enjoy this episode involving our second lauded guest, Marie!
Listeners, this episode went so far off the rails in every given direction that it’s honestly difficult to summarize it in words. Suffice it to say that we cannot decide which Nickelodeon couple was more homoerotic: Rocko + Heffer or SpongeBob + Patrick. That being said, if you haven’t yet, now is the time to vote for the Kids’ Choice Awards. It’s like the Oscars, but with slime, so get on it.
This episode was so scattered, in fact, that we’ll simply gather some takeaways for you:
- We’re PRETTY sure that Dane Cook is still alive.
- If you want to know EXACTLY where to find Bikini Bottom, just ask Jason or Marie.
- Snails are the new cats.
- Be glad that you didn’t have to wake up to SpongeBob’s neurotic laugh every single morning during college.
We’ll leave you with this final bit of wisdom … Have you ever seen Marky Mark and Mark Wahlberg in the same room? Of course you have, because they’re THE SAME PERSON.
Also, forget you, Lichtenstein.
Hindsight OUT.
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The gods must be dirty: Disney’s Hercules
If you can dodge a lightning bolt, you can dodge a ball!
On this very special episode, Jason and @Darth_Jader_ (who loves writing about herself in the third person) actually manage to score their very first guest on this ridonculous podcast. @MagegMeg (we made her reachable…) joins us on this episode to flaunt her super-nerd strength in Greek mythology.
Speaking of which, Greek mythology gets a G-rated makeover in this movie that is punder arrest for its word play and obscene amount of dad jokes. That’s not to say that the humor in Hercules is anything but brilliant. Honestly, a good Oedipus joke is so hard to find these days.
Disney’s Hercules teaches us great lessons about endurance and character. Most importantly, this film teaches us that if you’re weakened to a mortal level by extract of llama, you can always bounce back with an energetic workout montage and a trip to The Big Olive.
We also learn that Hades is one SASSY bitch! Yet, he’s only successful in besetting upon Mt. Olympus once he borrows some god-LIKE powers from the partial-mortal, Hercules. #DisneyLogic
WE INTERRUPT THIS TERRIBLE EPISODE DESCRIPTION TO PROVIDE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE!
For the Ladies: Don’t trade your soul to save a man. They’re not worth it unless you’re using them for hair-slapping target practice. In the same train of thought, don’t idolize Disney Princes; they’re just air-brushed Cronenbergs.
For the Fellas: Don’t get fooled by a Pegasus taking off her “saddle”. She’s trying to distract you from the big picture. Also, we’re damsels, we’re in distress, get lost.
Ultimately, Disney’s Hercules teaches us that selflessness equates to a lack of godliness. So calibrate, listeners. Calibrate.
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GREAT SCOTT, MARTY! : Back to the Future
This week, we discuss the magnificent 1985 classic starring Jason’s old schoolmate, Christopher Lloyd. So, be prepared, listeners. If you’re not already somewhat familiar with this film, Jason will DEFINITELY be yelling at you to get off his damned lawn.
Let’s start with a question: Did you know that Eric Stoltz was the original Marty McFly? He’s Eric Stoltz Mask Marty! (for all of our Rick and Morty lovers our there).
In this episode, Jason and I (@Darth_Jader_) get in to some particularly serious content. We find that Marty’s “straight-laced” parents are total pervs deep down, which begs the question…is it okay to date your mom? NO, it is not. However, it is totally acceptable for your dad to spy on her with binoculars from a tree while she undresses.
On a wildly different note, we find that Mikhail Baryshnikov once told Lea Thompson (Marty’s mom) that she was too fat to be a ballerina. It sounds harsh, but thank goodness; we honestly cannot envision anyone else as the person that Marty McFly pretends to sexually assault … and then Biff actually tries to sexually assault.
Despite the apparent message of this time traveling themed movie, Jason and I both realize that rape and violence are typically bad ideas. Don’t use those methods of problem solving, listeners, regardless of your feelings about the Temporal Prime Directive.
Speaking of which, can time traveling movies just make up their minds already? Are you supposed to change the timeline? Are you NOT supposed to change the timeline? I guess it depends on whichever eccentric scientist or Time Lord you befriended in high school. We’ll end with a personal plea from both of us: Universal, please build a float ride for Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. We’ll wear the vest AND sing the songs.
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Welcome to the new world order: Antz
Bugs. Communism. Woody Allen. Does it get better than Antz? Welcome back down this rabbit hole, or rather, ant hill, of a podcast.
In this particular movie, Jason and I (@Darth_Jader_) discover that Sylvester Stallone is the Juggernaut of ants, and men only affect social change so they can win the girl.
On that note, the PG-13 rating along with seriously highbrow humor in this film do their part to protect kids from being exposed to Woody Allen’s neuroses. Amongst other things.
Continuing down that awkward train of thought amongst a myriad of mixed messages, ants can reproduce asexually, but are big fans of drinking beer out of anuses. Lesson learned: Don’t get drunk the ass beer, no matter how thirsty the pretzels might make you.
Jason and I discovered a few other things along the way:
- Ants have no idea who Abraham Lincoln is because they’re communists.
- Utopia is ultimately a garbage can of a myth.
- Don’t drink the communist Kool-Aid
- Don’t get involved in a land war with termites (in Asia or otherwise).
- Bees will help you, but only if you’re pitiful Euro Trash.
The remaining question is: Who makes a more confusing movie hero? Woody Allen? Christopher Walken? It’s difficult to tell.
Our final piece of wisdom is this: Tombstones are nothing if not a ripe opportunity for supremely inappropriate humor. Danny Glover, please listen to our podcast. #TombstonePetition
Our second final piece of wisdom is this: Don’t forget to yell at strangers about your erotic fantasies.
A final thank you to Variant Brewing. Thank you for keeping us happy during recordings.
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Who Ya Gonna Call? GHOSTBUSTERS!
Welcome to the first episode where we basically nerd out as opposed to searching for Dad Jokes and deviant humor in “family friendly” entertainment. Yep. The podcast evolved that quickly. Beyond that, we know our episodes are ridiculously long, but you know you love it.
So this time around, Jason gets his first pick in episode content, because we know who usually wears the cape in this podcast relationship. We also find that Jason is super worried about NYC in the 80s.
Who knew that ghosts needed janitors? Your trusty podcast members, @Darth_Jader_ and Jason, were more than aware. Despite its simple, Netflix-style summary on Google, Ghostbusters certainly left an impression that apparently lasts into the afterlife.
Ghostbusters teaches us so many things. We find that:
- The mayor of NYC would perish were it not for registered voters.
- Slimer is the green trash panda ghost of Animal House.
- You should ALWAYS cross the streams.
In what other universe would you get to witness a film that is equal parts horror movie/romance/ action? Hell, Jason likely nominated this moved because he recalls it existing in a time “Before Blockbuster”.
Regardless, listeners, we’re not sure if you read or listen first. Either way, welcome to the original Doctor Who/Harry Potter mashup that influenced the ages. Welcome back to 80s New York, where you’d more quickly be murdered in Times Square rather than take a picture with a broke actor dressed like Spider-Man.
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The beloved movie with Austin Powers as an ogre and Axel Foley as a donkey: Shrek.
On episode 2 of Hindsight is Horrifying, Jason and I (@Darth_ Jader_) explore the movie that actually inspired this horrendous podcast. Upon reviewing this movie, Jason and I also have to move past the fact that both Mike Myers (Love Guru) and Eddie Murphy (Spice Girl knock-ups/transvestite prostitutes) have essentially disappeared from Hollywood even after all their (mostly) successful movies.
That being said, Lord Farquaad (John Lithgow) is the nightmarish tool who tortures personified cookies. But does that surprise anyone? I mean, Duloc is just Disney World run by a tiny Hitler who steals the Facebook logo and uses it for his own personal branding.
Surprisingly, this “kids’ movie” touches on sensitive subjects like segregation and body image. Fairy tale creatures are facing tough times all around. You guys, Peter Pan actually SELLS Tinker Bell and spoiler alert Mama Bear gets murdered and turned into a RUG!
On a lighter note, Cameron Diaz is both ugly and pretty…based on your fetish. And Jason informs me that Shrek was originally supposed to be livin’ in a van down by the RIVER!
Ultimately, the question to answer at the end of this particular DreamWorks movie is this: Is it okay to kiss a dead person? Find out on this week’s edition of Hindsight is Horrifying. Did I just refer you back to our site while you read an episode description on said site? You’re damned right I did.
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Welcome to the first episode of Hindsight is Horrifying, where Jason and I (a.k.a Darth Jader) discover our podcast legs with Rocko’s Modern Life. What is truly impressive is the fact that Jason and I had never met each other before this first recording, so we hope you enjoy the natural, raw chemistry that can only stem from two truly demented people being locked in a recording studio together.
Regarding the episode itself, you might be wondering why two “adults” chose to start their podcast with a children’s cartoon like Rocko. You’ll soon discover that the immediate and obvious upside to having such an ancient host as Jason on the show is that he brings a wizened perspective to what used to be a Saturday morning staple for us young folks back in the 90's.
To wit, Rocko’s Modern Life turns out to be even more twisted and mentally scarring from my adult perspective than I would have anticipated. The animation and plot points alike seem to stem from an acid trip. But fear not, for Jason and I arm ourselves with delicious beers from Variant Brewing to brave the wonky 90's programming and accompanying subversive humor.
The beer may or may not be the reason why Jason and I venture off topic from dissecting Rocko (the show, not the wallaby). We point out the delightfully zany humor in the show which ranges from dad jokes to insane comments that shouldn’t be heard outside of asylum walls. That being said, join us and see how the programming of yesteryear holds up on a scale of ALF to Seinfeld. Confused? Just wait! It gets so much worse.
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