Redemptive Living Radio

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The 90/10 principle simply means that 90% of the work of relational rebuilding is a husband’s responsibility post betrayal (+ 100% of a husband’s personal work). That 90% means going first, leading the process, holding the weight of the brokenness in the relationship, engaging, initiating, following through, amending, living forgivable and working on being trustworthy. The 10% that is a wife’s work in the beginning is simply showing up and being a willing participant in the process, grieving, watching, waiting, navigating boundaries and needs, and finding a sense of security. That she has 10% isn’t suggesting that she’s got it easy; quite the opposite, her 10% is really hard. Where things get wonky (especially in the early work) is when we move beyond focusing on a hubands personal work and relational rebuilding work, and shine the spotlight on a wife’s personal work. Shelley acknowledges that we all have work to do to grow and change, but the focus should not be on a wife’s personal work in the post-betrayal dynamic. Ideally that happens later, after a husband has paved the way. Myth: There’s infidelity in that relationship, so that relationship must be broken. Truth: There’s infidelity in that relationship, so there must be a broken person in that relationship. A broken relationship has ZERO bearing on infidelity. Bottom line for Jason: God’s not calling me to call you to your work. * Masterclasses for men for June include Foundations of Freedom and Handling Her Triggers. Follow the links to sign up!

We will be planning the next RLW Retreat soon. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know the dates and location for the next one (hopefully for this Fall!).
We are hoping to do the next Empowered Boundary class for women this summer. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

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As I listen to the first part of this episode, I am so thankful we aren’t where we were five months ago with our little puppy. I will say - we are still considering getting rid of him because while he is much easier for us than he was five months ago, he is still a LOT. I was giggling with how I was pronouncing words like diarrhea and nope. Don’t mind me! In this episode, we wanted to talk about this concept that his recovery, and more specifically his processing is personal but not private. Jason talks about some men are told that certain things shouldn’t be shared - whether it’s what he is processing in between sessions, what he shared in groups, with his therapist, etc. Since the acting out was in private, if we also do our recoveries in private - then we are perpetuating one of the issues that got him here in the first place: living life in a container. Here are some suggestions for men that are doing some decent recovery work: - Let her have a choice as to if she wants to hear what he is processing. - She can’t be the container he always dumps into - there is a balance between dumping and working toward vulnerable intimacy. It’s something we learn as we go and Jason speaks to this in the episode. - Awareness of “for” versus “at” when it comes to her emotions after he shares - if he is mad at her, it might show his deeper motivation was not from a place of being fully known (versus from a place of well, she told me she wanted to know what I was processing…). - Awareness of data versus experience when it comes to what he shares - we are looking for intimacy and vulnerability and his experience of himself in what he shares, not just the logistics of the day. - Awareness that when he comes to her to share - it’s a LOT for her - take it from me. So tenderness is critical. For those men that insist on needing privacy - Jason, being who Jason is and seeing the gray says - "okay, great, if you need this for a season". I then say: I think it needs to be less than a season. More like here and there but always with the goal of coming back to being fully known and without containment. Bottom line: His demand for privacy is a barrier to the relational recovery. The end. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. * Masterclasses for men for June include Foundations of Freedom and Handling Her Triggers. Follow the links to sign up!

We will be planning the next RLW Retreat soon. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know the dates and location for the next one (hopefully for this Fall!).
The WOHT workshop for men is SOLD OUT for April. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know about the next WOHT workshop.
We are hoping to do the next Empowered Boundary class for women this summer. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

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We are back with part 2 of the lying episode.

We jump in to talking about what helped Jason stop lying:

#1 - Brute force effort to be honest as well as brute force effort to fight the addictive voice inside of him. (Jason said he would argue internally with the man he was fighting to become versus the old, addictive self pulling him back.)

#2 - He came to a place of determination that he could handle the fall out. Out of this shift came one of Jason’s core recovery mantra’s: I’d rather lose you than lie to you.

I chime in (and possibly take the convo in a different direction) and I talk about how when we lie - we are chipping away at our sense of selves. We become fragmented and disintegrated. Radical honesty is one of the ways we move toward integration and wholeness.

Jason’s suggestions for men that are in the thick of recovery and need to stop lying:

Document what the voices in your head tell you (about why you shouldn’t tell the truth) so that you know what you will be brute force fight against.
Being accountable with others for telling the truth.
Honesty amends work which will help him come to terms with the gravity of how he has lived.
Identity work.

We then talk about what she should expect - and I start by saying: we should expect him to NOT lie. You will hear me grappling with: should I have been a bit more gracious in the beginning? (Because I truly thought: what in the world is WRONG with him and please just STOP.)

Expect him to not lie.
Expect speedy self-regulation on his part and try to see the progress in him (if there indeed is progress).
Expect that there is a journey that he will have to go through in order to see ALL the ways he has lied.

We land the plane talking about polygraphs - which probably (really) needs to be a whole episode in and of itself.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7.

The Spring RLW Retreat is SOLD OUT for May. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know about the next RLW Women’s Retreat.
The WOHT workshop for men is SOLD OUT for April. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know about the next WOHT workshop.
Empowered Boundaries is SOLD OUT. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

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We are starting to come to the final bend in the road for Season #7, before we take a break. In this episode - we talk about lying - something that comes up a lot with the gals I connect with on Instagram as well as one of the things that was posted more than once in the question box on IG when I asked for podcast suggestions. What I always say is: women are willing to do the excruciating work of healing from betrayal - but the lying is what becomes an impasse. Here is what we are going to walk through: 1 - What lying looked like for Jason growing up. 2 - Why we lie. 3 - What should she expect. 4 - Suggestions for men. As Jason spoke about what lying looked like growing up - he made a fascinating statement: "I valued honesty but deceived myself when dishonesty served me.” Essentially - he was lying to himself which is such a big problem that liars deal with. He also said - “The more deeply entrenched he was in his lying, the more he had to justify it in real life.” Listening back to this episode gave me a deep feeling of unease with how sinister lying really is and how it corrupts us. So why do we lie? Bottom line: it’s self-protective in an unhealthy way and its intimacy aversion at its finest. Jason also mentions that some of the why behind his lying was to protect me. I didn’t say this in the episode but as I listen to the replay - I don’t love what Jason is saying here - I realize he said: this isn’t a "feather in the cap" sort of thing - which I appreciate - but goodness, I just can’t get behind him lying to protect me… We will be back next week with part 2 of lying. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. * The Spring RLW Retreat is SOLD OUT for May. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know about the next RLW Women’s Retreat. * The WOHT workshop for men is SOLD OUT for April. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know about the next WOHT workshop.

Empowered Boundaries is SOLD OUT. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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Hey Guys - We are so grateful for Emma’s willingness to share her story. This is part 2.

SO much richness in this episode - from Thomas’s brokenness and guttural crying to Emma’s vulnerability to the 2nd disclosure and Emma’s awareness of having to move the wall around her heart accordingly. To Thomas’s ultimate willingness and of course - as mentioned in the last show notes: Emma’s fortitude and not accepting less.

Emma references a verse that Jason shared with her from Isaiah - hope to the hopeless. She is referring to Isaiah 40:29-31 where it says - “but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.”

Emma then shares this: Thomas is the biggest miracle I have EVER seen. And I truly believe THIS is what we need to see post-betrayal. This illuminates the wholesale change that each of us needs to see in him. And that IS possible, as their story reflects.

My hope for each of you listening is that you will see that God is STILL in the business of doing miracles. While we can NOT force anyone to change - what we CAN do is be clear about what we are okay with and not okay with. We can stand strong and keep the bar high. And keep our expectations high.

Toward the end of the episode, Jason mentions a humble and contrite husband and is referring to Psalm 51:17 - “a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.”

Emma’s email is: emma@rlforwomen.com incase you have any questions or comments for her.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7.

Click here for Thomas’s side of the story: God where are you? Part One and Part Two
The Spring RLW Retreat is SOLD OUT for May. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know about the next RLW Women’s Retreat.
The WOHT workshop for men is SOLD OUT for April. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know about the next WOHT workshop.
Empowered Boundaries is SOLD OUT. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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We are thrilled to have Emma Berry with us on the podcast today! Emma shares her side of the story with us both this week and next and we are so grateful she was willing to walk us through the ups and downs of her process with her husband, Thomas. (See links below for Thomas’s side of the story, from several seasons back.)

Ladies - what I want you to be listening for is the fortitude Emma shows through the ebbs and flows. Fortitude literally means strength under pressure and I believe it’s one of the key ingredients in being able to set boundaries well and also navigate recovery well. Emma was firm with her boundaries and she was not going to settle.

From behind the 8 ball to the 8 bouncing off the table - Emma’s story is one of fortitude, firmness and focus. We will be back next week with part 2.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7.

Click here for Thomas’s side of the story: God where are you? Part One and Part Two
The Spring RLW Retreat is SOLD OUT for May. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know about the next RLW Women’s Retreat.
The WOHT workshop for men is SOLD OUT for April. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know about the next WOHT workshop.
Empowered Boundaries is SOLD OUT. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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On this episode, we wanted to unpack what it looks like for men to do recovery out of the wounds (versus living recovery and not making everything about the wounds). Jason starts with explaining a bit more as to what he means by this: in the addiction (or integrity issue) - men are operating out of the wounds. In other words - the acting out mitigates the pain of the wounds. The same can happen in recovery - the recovery work mitigates (or is driven by) the wounds.

I asked Jason to give an example from his own life (from early recovery). For instance - him wanting to be seen (to feel significant) for not acting out today. Bottom line - it’s important for men to ask themselves: are you doing recovery in a way that recovery becomes the thing that mitigates the pain of the wounds VERSUS doing the right thing because it is the right thing. Common symptoms: * a wife feels confused * him being motivated by feedback * a husband finds himself saying things like: why won’t you just see me doing this work? * self righteous indignance shrouded in false humility (and isn’t that a mouthful!)

ALL that said - what do we do about it? 1. We have to decide we don’t want to live this way anymore (which means we have to acknowledge it as a problem and then also own it as our fault, not anyone else’s). 2. Surrender the demand of the wound. 3. When we surrender / let go - we shift from holding onto who we have been TO leaning against our identity in Jesus. 4. Watch for yourself living out of the wound - we do this by practicing awareness and then asking ourselves (as an example): why am I so defined by if people see my progress or not?

What Jason says to men when sharing with them that they can lean on their identity in Jesus (see Psalm 139): You are dearly loved and infinitely valuable. Simply by nature of the fact that the God of the universe imagined you before time. He knit you together in your mother’s womb. And counted every hair on your head. And then decided on a specific day in human history that he would breathe life into you. And by that, you can know that you are not a mistake. We ARE going to drop an infographic into the podcast freebies folder in the next week or so to include what Jason says above about our identity in Jesus. I’ll make sure and post it on IG once it is ready and we can also send out an email if you are a subscriber to the podcast freebies alerting you that it’s ready. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. * The Spring RLW Retreat is SOLD OUT for May. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know about the next RLW Women’s Retreat. * The WOHT workshop for men is SOLD OUT for April. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know about the next WOHT workshop.

Empowered Boundaries is SOLD OUT. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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On the heels of talking about some of the markers that may point toward him not living with integrity (while in recovery) - we wanted to talk about three things that show sure signs of progress:

The easiest one to see with our eyes is: humility. This can look like fast acknowledgements and apologies for doing something wrong as well as fast acknowledgment of continued hurtful habits.

Bonus: moving from the things I AM guilty for to what I am LIKELY guilty for.

Second - personal accountability to include: radical ownership for lack of follow-through, fewer excuses, choice versus universe. (What I heard in this was the internal versus the external locus of control - which I think is HUGE.). Jason then added movement from self-righteous indignation to honest self-reflection and curiosity.

Third - pursuit of intimacy to include: desire not dread when it comes to talking about things as well as moving toward connections versus transactions (as in - more integrated).

Ultimately this all culminates in him leading which is what we as women need to see from him. Not just that but him leading paves the way for us as wives to follow.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7.

Applications are OPEN for the Spring 2025 Women’s Retreat but will be closing March 28th. Would love for you to consider joining me and my team there.
The WOHT workshop for men is SOLD OUT for April. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know for the next WOHT workshop.
Empowered Boundaries is SOLD OUT. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this episode, we are talking about signs that he may be acting out. I have a lot of women that wonder (post discovery) - how will I know if he is acting out? What if I miss the signs? This episode is for you - AND - we have one bit of caution: we are NOT trying to insert unnecessary doubt into your mind. What we share here are potential indicators. A collection of things that we have seen as red flags prior to confirmation of his acting out. In addition, you want to look at these as a whole. Okay, here we go - signs he may be acting out: 1 - A man that is only motivated by her and not motivated by himself. 2 - Insisting he will never act out again. 3 - Hiding - not engaging in conversations, evading, avoiding. 4 - Acting In increasing. 5 - Pressuring her to have sex with him. 6 - No interest in her in totality (not just disinterest in sex). 7 - Him straddling the fence / lukewarm. 8 - Lack of wholistic integrity. 9 - Talking about going back to normal. 10 - Reconnecting to your intuition - if you sense something I off, something I off. It may not mean he has relapsed but it does mean something is off. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. * See Episodes #25 and #26 - Understanding Acting In and Gaslighting and Healing from Acting In and Gaslighting for more on Acting In.

Applications are OPEN for the Spring 2025 Women’s Retreat but will be closing soon. Would love for you to consider joining me and my team there.
The WOHT workshop for men is SOLD OUT for April. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know for the next WOHT workshop.
Empowered Boundaries is SOLD OUT. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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We go back to a listener question, this one from IG where a woman asked: how do I stay with dignity when the acting out was so extensive. I’ll be honest - as I listen to this episode, I think there is SO much more we could have shared and we didn’t. I’m making the choice to push it out but read these show notes for some of my additional thoughts that weren’t included in the audio. Where my mind goes initially is to work at untangling any “judgments” (and I don’t say that word in a negative way, think: opinion) or preconceived notions you have about women (or men) that are betrayed. Jason also mentioned that it’s important to create space between where you land and where others in your life land on leaving versus staying. Oftentimes the opinions we have about things, especially before they are apart of our lives, can influence us more than we realize when we are walking a road we never thought would be ours to walk. Second - for myself, I felt confident in giving Jason a second chance. This also helped me stay with dignity. I mentioned a book by Tim Keller, Forgive, where he really opened my eyes to how important it is to pursuing reconciliation if at all possible. Obviously, it isn’t always possible and there are even some situations where it is okay to not pursue reconciliation. I found what Tim said in his book reassuring of what God hopes for us within relationships which is quite different than the world view of relationships where we just move right on to the next. Both of the things above (the opinions I was holding onto that I needed to release + choosing to give Jason a second chance) were things outside the relationship that I needed to sort through to stay with dignity and peace. That said, I pivot to biblical times and robes and Joseph and honestly, I think I get a little lost so I understand if you do, too. We are essentially grappling with - is dignity dependent on how others treat us? Can it be stripped from us like it was for Joseph way back in Genesis based on others choices? Or is dignity apart of who we are as God’s children (inherent dignity)? Could it be both? Where we landed is here: it’s both/ and. The stripping of dignity happens in relationship and thus building it back up also happens in relationship. AND - there is inherent dignity that we can confidently stand in. Both are important! So a couple of questions for you as you consider if you can stay with dignity (dependent on the relationship): - do you feel you are being honored in the relationship today? - what are you not okay with and is he still doing these things? - do you hold a high bar for how others treat you? - has there been restitution? (And while I didn’t say this on the podcast - I think restitution is huge for women in restoring dignity.) I hope this episode, at a minimum, gets your mind turning as you consider what it looks like to stay with dignity. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. * Tim Keller’s book entitled Forgive is linked here.

Registration for the next WOHT workshop for men coming April 4-6, 2025 outside Austin, TX. Click here for all the details and to register.
Applications are OPEN for the Spring 2025 Women’s Retreat but will be closing soon. Would love for you to consider joining me and my team there.
Empowered Boundaries is SOLD OUT. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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Hi y’all, you get the B team for the show notes on this episode! Jason here, trying to take up the slack, so these notes will be from my perspective not Shelley’s this time.

Listener Question #1 : How do I help my wife be close to me again?

With this question, we first have to remember that she may not be ready to be close again. If that’s the case, our efforts to draw her close will feel manipulative and selfish. Second, we have to challenge our motives and scrutinize if this is a) about sex, and b) about us. Once we’ve established that she does in fact want to figure out how to be close again, and that we aren’t focused on sexual and physical intimacy, and we’re not making it about us, here are a few things we have to ask ourselves as husbands:

“am I intentionally creating safety?”
“am I creating intimacy (especially outside of sexual)?”
“how can I communicate with my words what I want to communicate with my body?"

Listener Question #2 - 28:15 - What tips do we have for men who can’t see the need for help?

This is a painful question. My hunch is it’s from a wife, whose husband refuses help. If you’re in that boat, I’m sorry. We talk about how this is both a spiritual/faith issue, as well as an arrogance and pride issue.

A short bible study here...We reference the following verse: Matthew 5:48 - "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” The word perfect in this verse is the greek word, teleios, which means "of mind and character, one who has reached the proper height of virtue”. It is often misquoted to mean sinless perfection, which for me (Jason) meant a feeling of perpetual failure. Blah. I love what Charles Spurgeon (an English pastor in the mid-late 1800s) says of this:

"Rise out of ordinary manhood. Get beyond what others might expect of you. Have a high standard. Stretch towards the highest conceivable standard, and be not satisfied till you reach it."

We have to be careful that we don’t become tangled up in the barbed wire of our own ego!

Here are the key takeaways for both husband and wife:

Takeaway for a husband: ask 3 people in your life if they see anything you could work on as a man, a leader, a christian, a husband, etc. and prepare your heart to receive it.

Takeaway for her: is him getting help in this specific area an absolute non-negotiable for her? If so, you’ll need to confront the issue head-on. We reference Matthew 18:15-16 - If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ Nothing about this is pleasant or easy. Husbands, please see that if she is backed into this corner it only serves to add insult to the betrayal injury.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7.

Registration for the next WOHT workshop for men coming April 4-6, 2025 outside Austin, TX. About half the spots are already taken! Don’t miss your spot. Click here for all the details and to register.
Applications open today for the Spring 2025 Women’s Retreat. Would love for you to consider joining me and my team there.
Empowered Boundaries is SOLD OUT as of last week. Join the Wait Listto be the first to know when the class opens again for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter +announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

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In light of some of the episodes we have produced this season - the deeper pain points, the why work episodes - there is a looming question I have wanted to address with Jason, on behalf of all women. And here is the question: Why did you marry me? And what makes me think you want to be with me today?

Maybe better put - convince me that you want to be with me. And in all fairness - she also has to answer the same question: do I want to be with him?

Jason shared some of the ways he thinks he can show her that he wants to be with her and here they are:

1 - Protecting her from him. (Jason gave the example of his selfishness or his ADD.)

2 - Sacrifice and surrender for her behalf - “I will surrender for her sake.”

3 - Pursuit of and commitment to holistic intimacy.

4 - Surrendering physical intimacy.

5 - Honoring her needs / boundaries.

6 - Saying it: I want to be with you.

7 - Fidelity.

8 - Restitution - considering the question: in what ways am I making your life better?

Jason mentioned the quote from John Bowlby - “Security is knowing you exist in someone else’s mind.”

I also shared what it looked like for me to get to a place of peace regarding this question. I spoke about having an expectant hope / wait that this would get resolved, and to hold this conundrum out in front of me. I had to decide if I wanted to be with Jason and I also had to watch to see if Jason showed (behaviorally) if he wanted to be with me, even when I was at my worst.

Ultimately - it’s so important for her to know and experience the peace of mind that comes with knowing where he is at on this topic.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7.

Registration for the next WOHT workshop for men coming April 4-6, 2025 outside Austin, TX. Click here for all the details and to register.
Applications open today for the Spring 2025 Women’s Retreat. Would love for you to consider joining me and my team there.
Empowered Boundaries is SOLD OUT as of last week. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
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In this episode, we talk about the interplay between the “why” work and the “what now” work. The why work is heavy in the beginning of the process, and continues to “hum” in the background - but the "what now" begins to take more and more precedence, or at least that is what we hope for.

This wasn’t said in the episode but I want to say - I think the why work oftentimes takes a lot of intentionality (which means time) to take shape. I don’t want to give the impression that the why work is easy - Jason continues to have revelations about his why two decades in!

Let’s make sure we understand the difference between the two: the why is the awareness and insight work v the what now is the character work. And that is JUST as important. Jason said early in this episode: the what now work is a new conscious way of living in light of the why. Love.

Jason reviews a couple of cautions:

"what now" should not be “fix it” oriented.
the “why" shouldn’t be a license to not look at the "what now" - and the opposite also applies - the "what now" shouldn’t be a license to not look at the “why”. {And I realize - I am using double negatives here - please ignore!}
the "what now" work can veer toward self-sufficiency and we have to remember that we do some of the work and God does the work in us as well.

And a point of encouragement - doing the what now work can be empowering!

As for practical next steps:

consider: where are you stuck in the why?
what are the character qualities that you DO want to live into?

Bottom line - we don’t want to get so stuck in the why to the point where we aren’t able to move forward into the “what do I do now”. And in that - the “what now” can be empowering to lean into - sometimes, like Jason shared in the final story - it takes a reframe.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7.

Join the Wait List here so that you are the first to know about the next WOHT workshop for men coming April 4-6, 2025 outside Austin, TX.
Would love for you to consider joining me at the Spring 2025 Women's Retreat - you can join the wait list here. More details coming soon!
Empowered Boundaries is SOLD OUT as of yesterday. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
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Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
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In today's episode - I wanted to talk to Jason about his needs and her needs in the recovery process in a more informal way (as in - we didn’t do a ton of prep work before hitting the record button).

I started off by sharing that I believe her needs are more important in the recovery process due to the covenant bond being broken (so in other words - one of the natural consequences of the sin of betrayal).

Jason then chimed in and I really like what he said: his needs aren’t less valid - it’s just that her needs take precedence until there is trust and security restored in the relationship. Again, it’s NOT that his needs aren’t valid at all. It’s that they have to be met in a different way (through community / other safe men) until the security and trust has been restored.

Other things we discussed:

His needs being super-sized causes the level of expectation for them to be met to be super-sized which then means the level of disappointment that he has will be super-sized.
Character is built when our needs aren’t being met and yet we are being the best version of ourselves, sitting in unmet needs.
Jason says - men have to scrutinize their needs that they are bringing to the table. This is because in the past his needs were born out of his wounded-ness. (And with that, n faulty expectation that she will be the one to make up for his wounds / needs from childhood.)
Her owning what she needs is an important part of her process - it’s connected to boundaries and will help her move forward in her process and get clarity.
I mentioned that women oftentimes are seen as “needy” in the recovery process and Jason said the inverse applies as well - he also can appear to be “needy” in the recovery process. We explain some of the reasons for this.
I mention the importance of the dynamic where he allows her the space to have needs - and how this is integral in moving the coupleship forward. And yet - how does he do this when he is also walking around with a lot of needs that he was meeting in an illegitimate way and now having to sit with unmet needs. So messy. Jason said three things that motivated him:
to meet my need was an opportunity for him to rebuild trust.
My needs were an indication that I was still invested in the relationship.
My needs were an opportunity for him to be less focused on himself.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7.

Join the Wait List here so that you are the first to know about the next WOHT workshop for men coming April 4-6, 2025 outside Austin, TX.
Empowered Boundaries is coming back SOON. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
Would love for you to consider joining me at the Spring 2025 Women's Retreat - you can join the wait list here. More details coming soon!
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
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This week we are talking resentment, iced tea, hand towels and dealing with Shelley’s mic situation. I promise that is going to go away in future episodes - I didn’t realize that I am touching the mic so much!!! I didn’t realize until about a year ago that resentment is a HUGE part of what he struggles with and has to untangle in his recovery process. Specifically resentment toward her. Literally - I had NO clue. Our working definition of resentment: demands equanimity and justice, used as a weapon, rooted in vows unfulfilled - and finally - projected at another person. Ultimately - there is an urge (when feeling resentment) for the other person to make it right. I really appreciated when Jason said: “Resentment is largely connected to our core wounds. The things I resent you most for is most closely tied to the ‘I' that is biggest for me.” If the core wound is powerlessness - there will be resentment where it feels like there is loss of control, if the core wound is insignificance - there will be resentment where he feels unseen, rejected or misunderstood. We divided resentment into two types for our conversation: false resentment and valid resentment. False resentment - a projection of resentment onto her, essentially blaming her for the resentment (or deep disappointment) he is feeling. Three types of false resentment: - I resent me and project it onto you. - I’ve violated one of my vows and I’m projecting resentment onto you. - I’m bargaining and projecting the resentment bubbling up onto you. Valid resentment - legitimate hurt that is not tended to that eventually turns to bitterness and resentment. What’s important is to pause anytime resentment is experienced - and consider what is at the root of it - if it’s valid resentment - we work toward grieving and forgiveness. If it’s false resentment we work toward naming what is under the resentment, holding off on not blaming her, and rather dealing with what is at the root of the false resentment. False resentment perpetuates the powerlessness, insignificance and incompetence that he is experiencing. See how we are now chasing our tails?! Thus - the false resentment is so important to watch for and name. (I feel like we could also call it toxic resentment.) At the very end of the episode - I ask Jason - is resentment typically used as an excuse for the acting out? And Jason said yes. I feel like we opened up another can of worms at the very end. And to bring these show notes full circle - I just want to go organize my hand towels and wonder why in the world it took me 21 years to see how much his resentment plays into the process. Learning with you, every step of the way. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. * The WOHT workshop for men just outside San Antonio, TX is sold out for January. Join the Wait List here so that you are the first to know about the next workshop this year.

Empowered Boundaries is coming back SOON. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
Would love for you to consider joining me at the Spring 2025 Women's Retreat - you can join the wait list here. More details coming soon!
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
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In this episode we are continuing to talk about his “why”. It will be helpful for you to understand the four different categories that we are talking about as you listen to this episode and download the pdf which will be in the podcast freebie email (see link below). Here are the four categories that go into the why: Life Situations or Contextual Realities - noteworthy life events from your life between the ages of 6-16 (or beyond). Impact or Wounding - the impact based on the life situation - as Jason spoke about the impacts, he used feeling words, the 3I’s, and how he saw himself. Operating Principles / Character Brokenness - The mantras, vows and concepts we develop about how we will do life based on the life situations and the impact / wound. These can be subconscious or conscious. Acting Out - The behaviors done sexually to mitigate pain and shame. All four of these components culminate in the why. A couple of important things to remember: - When doing why work - oftentimes, the third piece - the operating principle is the missing component. This step is really where the why will start to come together. - It’s a process - part Holy Spirit work, part internal work, part feedback from others we trust as we share our story with them. - Ultimately, getting to the why will help her make sense of the senselessness and will help him make sense of the things he has done, in order to live differently from here on out. - None of the why was about her - none of it. Just to be clear - when I said this - what I meant is: none of this was her fault, at all. She is not the why. The end. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. * The WOHT workshop for men just outside San Antonio, TX is sold out for January. Join the Wait List here so that you are the first to know about the next workshop later this year.

Empowered Boundaries is coming back SOON. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
Would love for you to consider joining me at the Spring 2025 Women's Retreat - you can join the wait list here. More details coming soon!
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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Alright everyone - here we go - we are officially jumping into Season #7 and we aren’t turning back. We are SO excited to be with you guys - and we are hoping we can be here for a while - we will see how long we can last! We are going to be talking about “Why” work in this episode as well as the next one. This episode is more so laying the foundation for episode #83 where we unpack the roadmap for getting to the why. Jason states several things out of the gate that I think are important: * If you don’t understand your why - you are at a substantially higher risk of relapsing.

Understanding the why radically changes how your conceptualize what you did and who you are.
Sometimes it’s hard to get to the why in certain cases. So it’s not always an easy process.
There is also a balance between focusing on the why and doing recovery work. Focusing too much on the why to the point where the recovery work is neglected is not the point here.

And now for the foundational things to be aware of and also name for yourself (him) when working toward the why: We start by unpacking the markers or risk factors that we see in men with sexual integrity issues: Abandonment, Shame (difficulty naming it and working through it), Corruption of the Arousal Template, Enmeshment, Abuse. Here are the other things mentioned that it’s important to have an understanding of / appreciation for: #1 - The Three I’s (Shame based self-concepts). #2 - Sexuality becomes THE vehicle that delivers love. #3 - Correlation between his acting out and his core wounds. #4 - The acting out is both an expression and an offset to the shame. #5 - Acting out is about meeting legitimate needs in an illegitimate way. #6 - It comes down to being an intimacy issue - the pursuit of intimacy in a false way versus pursuing intimacy in a God-designed way - mind, heart, body soul. And a word from me (Shelley) - notice that NONE of this has to do with her. NONE of it. The end. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. * The WOHT workshop for men just outside San Antonio, TX is sold out for January. Join the Wait List here so that you are the first to know about the next workshop later this year.

Empowered Boundaries is coming back SOON. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens for registration.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
Would love for you to consider joining me at the Spring 2025 Women's Retreat - you can join the wait list here. More details coming soon!
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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Welcome to the official first episode of Season #7! In this episode we wanted to talk to all of you about how to handle the deeper pain points (of hers) that feel like they will never ever go away. How can he help her handle those deeper pain points and how can she handle those deeper pain points. Jason’s tips for husbands: First - we can’t judge and don’t have a right to judge how deep the well of grief is. When he judges what is in the well, this just further adds to the sludge in the bottom of the well. Second - and point in case - husbands have to remember that they throw things back into the well when they (for example): sigh, don’t give her space to grieve, ask how much longer until she will get past the grief and pain, etc. Third - initiative is key. When he takes initiative and brings it up - he is scooping with a bigger bucket which will only help. Next steps for women pertaining to the deeper pain points: First - make a list of your pain points (the things that keep bubbling up in your heart and mind). Keep in mind, you may need to take a chunk of time to really know what these pain points are - they are usually the thoughts or images that come to mind that make your heart ache over and over and over again. So give yourself a week or two and keep coming back to your journal to jot them down. Then - go back and mark the ones that are the deeper of the pain points, the ones that take your breath away. Most women have a handful of these. Second - use these journal prompts to continue to pump the well and bring clarity to the deeper pain points: #1 - What hurts the most about this particular pain point? (The reason this hurts so much is because…) #2 - Name something you have lost because of this particular hurt. Third - take yourself through the Self Compassion Exercise for each of the deeper pain points - see the Podcast Freebies for that particular exercise. Please note - the goal isn’t to get rid of these pain points but rather to pump the well and to be faithful to honor them, name them, experience them and ultimately move through them. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. * “Name it to tame it” comes from Dr. Daniel Siegel, the author of Mindsight. He talks about how the limbic system actually * Would love for you to join Jason and his team at the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men just outside San Antonio, TX from January 24-26, 2025. * Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. * Would love for you to consider joining me at the Spring 2025 Women's Retreat - you can join the wait list here. More details coming soon! * For more information on RL Academy, click here. * Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. * We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! * Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. * Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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Hey Guys! We wanted to re-release an episode from the past pertaining to navigating the holidays well. The holidays can be really challenging - no matter what - and then throw in Family Systems (see below) + recovery and it’s a LOT. The happy holidays can feel like the not so happy holidays.

The back drop of this conversation we are having is rooted in Family Systems Theory by Murray Bowen. Bottom line is in every family - there are unspoken agreements and roles within the family system. For instance, you might be the clown of the family, the peace keeper, the hero… the list goes on and on. When we merge family systems (by going to the in-laws for Thanksgiving, for instance) there will absolutely be an impact to the “system”. We cover five key points to ponder as you consider how Family Systems impacts your holiday experience: 1. Name the role you played in your family of origin as well as who you are now relative to the earlier role you played. 2. Acknowledge your wife’s needs when navigating holiday interactions. 3. When emotions are high, use discernment on what to share and say in front of extended family, AND honor yourself and your boundaries / limits. 4. Front Loading conversations between him and her prior to the holiday gatherings. 5. Daily Downloads, initiated by him, for the two of you every day you are with extended family. 6. And Bonus: for women - identifying anchors (activities you can do to keep yourself grounded) on the daily while with extended family. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us and we are excited to be with you for one more episode this year (fresh and new) and then we will be back in January for Season #7. * Click here for all the details on the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop just outside San Antonio, TX from January 24-26, 2025.

Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.
Subscribe here to the Podcast Freebies.

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We are so excited to get this season going and before we really get going in January - we wanted to release a couple of episodes this month and then come January, we will be back with all sorts of content. Here is what we have planned thus far: Interviews with some of the amazing folks from our team, the 90/10 rule, trusting ourselves post-betrayal, personal recovery isn’t the same thing as relational recovery, the mundanity of recovery, how do we know if he is acting out?, sure signs of progress, the list goes on.

We can’t wait to connect with you guys and we are even hoping at some point this season we will record some of the podcast recordings via video and post them on YouTube. If you want to subscribe to the Podcast Freebies - please click here. And don’t forget - if you have subscribed to the podcast freebies in the past - email us here and we can resend you a fresh email with all the up-to-date links. Merry Christmas! Shelley + Jason * Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.

We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.
Subscribe here to the Podcast Freebies.

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So here we are! The final episode of Season #6.

We start with me needing to loop back to something we discussed in the last episode where Jason said he received feedback from someone saying that sometimes when Jason mentions the past / the timeline, that he is shaming me. While I don’t think he is trying to shame me - I DO experience shame when certain parts of our story is mentioned. I wanted to share a point of clarification that didn’t come to me until after we had stopped recording last week.

I’ve wanted to talk about the shame women carry for a while and I thought this would be a good time to dig into it. We start with a working definition of shame - because in some ways, it’s really hard to conceptualize. What I think is important is for us to remember that shame is an indictment on our being. It’s more than a feeling - shame becomes a sense of self.

We then talk about permanent shame (thanks to Christa - one of our podcast producers - this is more rightly named chronic shame) versus acute shame. So for those of you that read the show notes - think of this as a bonus!

We switch gears and dig into the different facets of recovery and how shame bubbles up in each of these areas and slowly chips away / erodes at our sense of self as women. We talk emotionally, financially, physically, sexually… The conversation continues and we talk about several things including how his acting out isn’t an indictment on her being (although it FEELS that way), naming the shame, recognizing that the antidote to shame is the starting point, bringing it to community (which includes having others dismantle the shame), and ultimately working at putting ourselves back together.

I was so grateful for Jason to bring up the reality that her shame necessitates compassion from him. We discussed this before we started recording and I’m so glad Jason looped back to this - it’s so important for men to be WITH her in her shame and pain not separate from it. It will make the biggest of differences.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6, we will be back in the Fall for Season #7!

Shelley mentions Episode #7 on Toxic Shame and Biblical Shame which might be helpful to review as we pick up the topic of shame again in this podcast episode.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
Please join my team at the first ever RLW Conference - She Heals - in Denver THIS summer. I would so love to meet you at this event!
Jason is hosting another Recovery 2.0 workshop for men in Texas in June. You can get all the details here.
Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. The Spring Boundary Class is FULL. However, we are considering adding an early summer class - you can join the wait list here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this episode - we talk about how he can hold her hostage in the recovery process. We discuss this concept, of him holding her hostage, two different ways (or avenues or angles or well, you get the point). The first avenue is how Jason interprets “holding her hostage” which essentially is him holding her hostage for his past wounds and holding her accountable and responsible to heal his past wounds. This certainly was a dynamic that Jason and I dealt with while we were dating as well as while we were married. We end up moving into a conversation about Jason going first in the recovery process and him relinquishing the expectation of me “healing” his wounds and I qualified that by saying it’s not “fully” my responsibility. This takes us down a whole other trail where I mention Genesis 2:21 where Eve was taken from Adam’s rib - close to his heart and under his arm as well as Genesis 2:18 and the word "helper" meaning one who provides what is lacking in another. Clearly I am grappling with this and Jason gives a helpful analogy. The second avenue that we quite quickly look at because we were running out of time is when he holds her hostage by not being open to allowing her to express her pain and giving her a soft space to land as she grieves. A lot packed into this episode - some tears, a lot of laughter and hopefully a lot to think about. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6. * Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.

Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. The Spring Boundary Class is FULL. However, we are considering adding an early summer class - you can join the wait list here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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It’s just me today, popping in to let you know we will be back next week with a fresh episode. I am sharing the quickest of life updates with you guys plus a reminder about a couple of resources that we offer.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6.

For those of you that are new here, check out Episode #1 for Our Story.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class starting THIS month - get more information and register here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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As we dig into the content of this particular episode - please keep in mind that these situations are SO nuanced. So please take what we are sharing and consider how it applies to you. What we share will not work for everyone in every situation. #1 - Clearly End the Affair - Our first suggestion for regaining confidence and to be able to go back out into the community with your head high is to consider utilizing a technique from I Don’t Love You Anymore (link below). In the book, Dr. Clarke suggests that the betrayer (with his wife on the line) calls the affair partner to verbally and officially end things. This is something Jason and I did with several of his AP’s and it was incredibly validating and honoring for me and it also gave me confidence as I went back out into the world. #2 - Make a Choice + Take Back Your Power - Next, we talk about making a choice + taking back our power. Specifically, we think it’s important for you to make a choice about who needs to know about this and who doesn’t need to know about it. And once that choice is made - remind yourself that NONE of these people (whether they know or don’t know) have power over you. Jason makes a great point - once those people know, we can start to relinquish control of the narrative. We have made the decision and we can surrender the rest. Head held high. (And remind yourself that what others think is nothing for you to be concerned with.) Reputation is something we have very little to no control over but our character is what we want to focus on and what we can control. So again, surrendering our reputation and surrendering control of the narrative. We talk briefly about shame and this is probably something we need to dive into a bit more here on the podcast - how shame impacts her (we covered shame for him in episode #7, see link below). For now, practice an awareness of the role that shame plays and how it impacts your confidence when you go out in public. Keep in mind the antidote to shame is intimacy so naming it and then talking about it are key. #3 - Have a Plan - Something that helped me years ago was to imagine this happening (a run in) and having a plan for what I would or would not say. I also had to lean into what was going to be an incredibly awkward situation and let it be awkward (as much as we don’t want things to be awkward). #4 - Embrace this as an Invitation for Greater Healing - Give yourself permission to take baby steps. Start by going to your mailbox and celebrate that win. Go through a drive through and give yourself a ton of compassion. Build off of those baby steps and keep stretching yourself. And all the while, know that this, too, will cultivate character and growth in YOU. Jason then shares two things that he wants men to know: if you bump into the AP - RUN. Literally. As he said so well - you can’t leave any space for questions. And as quickly as you leave, you quickly tell your wife. Don’t not say anything and definitely don’t think you are protecting her by not saying anything. Not true. You are protecting you when you choose not to say anything. The end. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6. * We mention episode #54 - Fearing Attractive Women at the top of the episode. You can listen to that here.

A book we reference a ton and did again in this episode - I Don’t Love You Anymore by Dr. David Clarke. If you haven’t read this book, and especially if you lack confidence to say to your husband - this is not okay - I highly encourage you give this book a read.
For the episode on Biblical Shame - check out #7 - Toxic Shame and Biblical Shame.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - registration opened last week.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

What to Do When He Says, I Don’t Love You Anymore: An Action Plan to Regain Confidence, Power and Control

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As Jason said early on in this episode - recovery work is painful. It hurts, it’s scary and no wonder we resist it. Jason talks about how he went from resisting the recovery work to accepting that there was work to do. It’s in this process that we make friends with the work. As Thomas Berry, a coach on our team, says - we go from “got to TO get to”.

How we make friends with the work:

1 - When recovery calls, we answer the call. 2 - Embrace that it's going to hurt. 3 - We make time. 4 - It brings us closer to God. 5 - We learn from the work. 6 - We help others make friends with their work.

What stops us from making friends with the work:

1 - Cost: time, money, ego, our job, our status, our reputation. Ultimately, it comes down to what we value. 2 - Fear: of change, what we will find out about ourselves, etc. 3 - The injustice of it. 4 - Lack of guaranteed outcomes and a lot of unknowns. 5 - Bad theology

Jason then left me underwhelmed when he said: The place to start is by starting. (As you will hear, I was ready for the next step and he looked at me and said - that’s it. Just start.) Okay then. So we dedicate time daily to the recovery work. And if doing the work isn’t getting you anywhere - consider the practice of implementation (Jason asks some great questions geared toward looking at implementation and if it’s happening) as well as consider if the work you are doing is actually not the right work and needs to be revamped.

We segue into a conversation about recovery plans and relapses and I really appreciate what Jason shares about recovery plans being the means to the end and not the end. “The plan isn’t the issue, the person is the issue."

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6.

Jason mentions episode #68 - What Exactly IS Good Work? You can listen to that here.
Jason mentions the Identity Masterclass - you can find out more about that here.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - registration opened last week.
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Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
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Basically, I try to take over during the first five minutes of the episode as I talk about hope. Then I pass the mic over to Jason and you will probably actually like what he says much more. I just try to sprinkle in anecdotal comments as I can, you’re welcome.

Hope is a handhold for wives in the following ways…

1 - it gives women a sense of security in the middle of what is a very chaotic experience.

2 - it can reconcile staying.

3 - it can be a reprieve from the chaos that she is experiencing with him.

4 - it can be something that can help her feel sane.

5 - it gives her a way to reconcile that all the years weren’t lost.

Then I chime in with: hope is a key ingredient that we have to have. It doesn’t just help with a semblance of security - it IS security.

And yet…at the same time, hope can be a handcuff (holding her back) in the following ways...

1 - because everything orbits around recovery.

2 - because it betrays her intuition and better judgment.

3 - because it can cause her to question her faith.

4 - because she is signing up to stay in a revolving door of pain.

5 - because it forces her to decide between herself and the kids.

6 - because if she doesn’t hope - she will be the bad guy.

7 - because it feels like life is defined by betrayal.

We then have a couple of side discussions - initially, I am honestly just trying to figure out where to place this guy (that Jason is speaking of) that betrays his wife, does all this recovery work and then says he is going to just let her go. We make no progress in this conversation and move to...

We then talk about how in mid-recovery, we in some ways had to sit in a place of figuring out how to like each other again, be roommates again, be husband and wife again, etc. Honestly, I think both Jason and I wondered - after all that hard early work - if what we salvaged was really worth it. The good news is: it was a season and it did pass. So my encouragement to each of you is to keep going.

We then go BACK to this guy that is just going to let his wife go (after betrayal, discovery, disclosure, and years of work:!). I clearly can’t let this go and ultimately have some opinions, that I will leave to the recording.

And the final side conversation has to do with deferred hope and how we can get stuck in this place. Naming it is powerful and so I hope having these words (if they apply) will help you, too!

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6.

"Hope anchors the soul" is from Hebrews 6:19.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” is from Proverbs 13:12.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - registration opened last week.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
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Get out your thinking caps - this episode is heady and I had to rewind many many times to re-listen while I was working on these show notes. We are talking empathy (and intimacy and conviction) today. I believe that empathy is one of the key ingredients that will help her heart heal within the context of the couple-ship. So developing empathy is KEY.

We talk neuroanatomy: prefrontal cortex, mirror neurons, cortical hypofrontality and modeling of empathy from others. We also talk biblical anthropology: the holy spirit interacting with our spirit and in that there can be a cultivation of conviction, humility, a sense of our own brokenness, love, and repentance.

It’s the interplay between the two of these - the neuranatomy + the biblical anthropology that help cultivate empathy. Both - And.

Action Items for men that are struggling to find conviction or have more of a self-depricating conviction (which can lead to empathy):

Write your story or revisit your written story and where the wounds are from childhood.
Two book recommendations (see below)
Reflect on: what am I afraid of when coming to terms with the depths of my depravity?
Be aware of your “depravity floor” - and come to terms with the fact that we can all do bad things on really good days and thus need ALL of God’s grace.

We end by sharing a list of things that can help with developing empathy:

Doing a formal disclosure well
Modeling from other men that are empathic (accountability group, coach, therapist, etc.)
Story work / root work
Living with sobriety / integrity (acting out AND acting in)
Gratitude
Tilling the soil of your heart (for her)

Ultimately - empathy and intimacy go hand in hand. As Jason said - intimacy is the antidote, at every turn.

We hope this is helpful for you guys!

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6.

The two books that Jason recommended: Abba’s Child by Brendan Manning and With by Skye Jethani
Episode #6 is one you can also refer to for more on empathy - The Importance of Empathy (not Sympathy).
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
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Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
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With: Reimagining the Way You Relate to God

Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging

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In this episode, we get real honest about a recent series of arguments we had about money, with the intent of sharing with you guys what engaging in conflict can look like in “late recovery”. Not that we do conflict perfectly or recovery perfectly (as you will surely hear) but we get questions about what life looks like today - years and years post betrayal and with a lot of recovery work under our belts, collectively. We laugh a LOT today. And we have a really sweet marriage. And we STILL do a lot of arguing and disagreeing.

Ultimately, you are going to hear a mix of hurt, triggers, acting in, and being known / fully knowing one another in a deeper way as we unpack our recent disagreements. Getting to a place where Jason can speak into what I can’t see (and vice-versa, at times) has been the sweetest gift and is truly what safe, trusted intimacy is all about.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6.

Wired for Intimacy is the book that I read a quote from in regards to intimacy.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - join that wait list here.
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Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
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Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain

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In this episode, we talk about the value of the full disclosure and some of the reasons that doing a full disclosure (for both him and for her) is incredibly beneficial. Here are some of those reasons:

for men: integration of the story and the acting out - as in, making sense of and connecting dots in his story as a whole which informs the recovery and healing process
for men: writing out our stories has been shown via research to help with the healing process at a cellular level
for women: knowing the truth of our lives helps facilitate the process of forgiving (not to mention it restores honor to know the truth)
for women: knowing the truth of his life can eventually help us tap into empathy for him, which in turn helps aid in forgiveness
for men: to help uncover the “why” of the acting out (the roots)
for men: an opportunity for rebuilding trust
for women: helps her get unstuck and sets her on a course to truly grieve what has happened
for both: a marker / foundation for them to build upon
for women: the ability to integrate the truth of her life into her story (just like he does)
for women: witnessing him cultivating ownership (such an important character trait we need to see in him)
for men: it’s Biblical

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6.

Pennebaker is the researcher out of UT Austin that has shown the impact of writing out our stories to significantly help our bodies heal.
James 5:16 - confess you sins so that you may be healed.
John 8:32 - the truth will set you free.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - join that wait list here.
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Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
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In this episode, we piggyback off of the last episode on Frontloading and discuss how women can leverage this technique in order to feel safe having certain conversations with him. This technique is essentially giving him a heads up that a difficult conversation needs to be had + insuring he is in an open space to have said conversation well in advance of it starting. I love this technique because it serves as an insurance policy to help protect her from additional hurt and pain. (And can also be considered a gift for him because he isn’t being put on the spot and can prepare his heart for the conversation.)

Jason suggests the following when she approaches him asking for a difficult convo: shush the negative thoughts, control the narrative, and finally - pivot to empathy (this is all happening in the space between the frontload and the actual convo).

For women - this is applicable when you are wanting to share your heart (whether you feel hurt, fear, anxious, unsettled, etc.), needing to express a need and/or when you are seeking clarity. This technique is not applicable if you are experiencing immediate triggers and pain or as an “prescriptive edict” (where she demands versus where she expresses what she needs). It can be super helpful to get in touch with what you are feeling and START with that when you sit down to have the conversation.

For husbands - focus first on the feelings expressed, meet her there; not solving the problem SO that she doesn’t have those feelings. This will help you hear her heart around the request.

Bigger picture, keep in mind: When she front loads, her desire is for you to accept what she is bringing to the table; and less about her trying to accommodate you (by front loading).

We hope this tool helps her bring up the harder conversations and helps him meet her heart with tenderness and empathy.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6.

Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - join that wait list here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
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In this episode, we talk about Frontloading, a term we first heard from Jennifer Kolari after doing some parenting therapy with her. See the link below for her information.

Frontloading is the conversation we have prior to an anticipated event (or an anticipated conversation). Keep in mind, it's about a heart attitude, not about a playbook / plan / script. This heart attitude says two things: 1 - Empathy and tenderness will inform me going into this situation well, and 2 - I don’t have to fear fall out. The point of frontloading is to be prepared FOR the hurtful stuff, versus making sure NO hurtful stuff exists.

Big picture - a couple of things for men to keep in mind:

1 - It’s an educational experience for guys - Husbands are going to learn how she perceives and experiences different situations.

2 - Process it for yourself prior to talking to her about it. Ask yourself: How does this situation impact my integrity and what do I need to protect that? How does this situation impact her heart and what do I need to protect her heart?

Four things to think about as you are front loading an anticipated event:

1 - Thinking about and anticipating what will happen emotionally in that situation for you (him) and for her in this anticipated event.

2 - What is going to happen during the anticipated event that taps into your wounds / her wounds?

3 - What do I need at the beach? What does she need at the beach?

4 - What are the expected actions that I will take during this anticipated event?

Keep in mind: this is not one and done (one plan this weekend won’t be the same plan next weekend). Have the SAME conversation next week for the next anticipated event. In addition, don’t deviate from the original plan unless there is a conversation that happens WELL ahead of time.

Frontloading can be useful in the following situations: prior to travel, prior to being with extended family, prior to being in public (together), as a strategy to help him lean in when there is intense intimacy aversion, overall early on in the recovery process to establish safety and to build trust.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6.

To find out more about Dr. Jennifer Kolari - you can click here.
"A righteous man doesn’t have to fear bad news.” is found in Psalm 112:7.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - join that wait list here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
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In this episode, we talk about her getting stuck and how this can be (not always, but can be) connected to him NOT doing good, consistent work. Jason recaps a couple of things from episode #68 - What is Good Work (definitely check out that episode if you want to learn more about what “good” work looks like - see the link below.)

We discuss four big things that can cause her to get stuck in the process (when he is not doing good work). These include:

1 - When there isn’t clarity on if he is doing good work or not (when she simply isn’t sure) OR when it seems like his level of good work changes on the daily / weekly / monthly. 2 - Difficulty (for her) in identifying needs and boundaries - this is a huge area where women can get stuck, when they struggle to identify what they even need. 3 - Unconscious vows she has made to herself. 4 - When staying the same isn’t more painful than making a change - this can also cause her to get stuck. In the podcast episode, we are specifically referring to setting boundaries and the price we pay as women to set those big boundaries. The less good work he is doing - the more boundary setting we have to do in order to heal. 5 - Mixed Signals from him (similar yet different to #1, above.)

We then shift gears and talk about strategies to get you unstuck:

1 - Get clarity on if he is doing good work (or not). Take Jason’s advice and go with the graph of a stock analogy for this. You can also consider these journal prompts: How is he helping my heart heal? How is he hurting my heart from healing?2 - Get clear on your needs and boundaries. Journal out: What are the top five things I need to feel safe in my marriage?3 - Journal out - What do I think, want, need and feel? (See Chapter 3 in the Rescued workbook.) 4 - Naming the vows you have made and then Journal out: Are these vows still working for me?

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6!

Episode #68 goes into greater detail about what good work is - you can listen to that here.
And while we are at it, the “sister” episode (haha!) I referred to when talking about vows was Episode #69, which you can listen to here.
Here is a link to the Rescued workbook.
I also refer to Episode #47 - When He Chooses Not to do the Work, which you can listen to here.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - join that wait list here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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So, let’s say he is doing mostly good work. Oftentimes when he is doing this mostly good work, women are faced with a dilemma. Does she accept the good work and lean into it and trust it? OR does she hold him / the good work at arm’s length and continue to watch and wait and keep herself safe?

We start with exploring some of the reasons she runs into this dilemma. These include:

1 - Unconscious tug of war happening in her heart. 2 - Vows she has made to herself. 3 - Not knowing if she can trust herself. 4 - The vulnerability of it all. 5 - Invalidation of her pain.

I loved it when Jason said - "The husband that has done the work doesn’t say 'why can’t we just move on' - this comment serves as a red flag that he HASN’T done the work". Bottom line ladies: work toward naming the root of the dilemma and THEN you can ask yourself - what do I want to do about it? (With gentleness, of course!)

Jason then speaks directly to husbands about some to do’s if this is the situation the couple finds themselves in:

1 - Consistency + small deposits matter - Jason says, "consistency of small deposits builds trust in order for her to get out of the dilemma”. 2 - Control the narrative in your head. 3 - I’ve got you and I’ve got us.

Ultimately, my encouragement to women is that this is a part of the process and what’s important is to be able to name it and then figure out what you want to do about it, with gentleness. I loved Jason’s final thought - there is no clock.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6!

For the episode mentioned on Equanimity (#12) - click here.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - join that wait list here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, Masterclasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop.
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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So what exactly is good work? And what does good work look like AFTER the initial stages? Because it seems like some husbands rock that good work early on - and then… they are done?! Jason and I are both encouraging you guys to honestly assess: are the things we list happening in my / his recovery process? And if not - what might it look like to get back on track?

Some of the “good work” is objective (for instance, the formal disclosure or the amount of acting in). But a lot of this “good work” is less concrete.

Here we go:

Quantitative v Qualitative - it’s good to be doing the quantitative work but we must look to see - is there fruit coming out of it? It’s the qualitative work that we will hang our hat on - so consider: what quality is coming from the recovery work he is doing?

Early Good Work - it all starts with radical honesty. Followed by: willingness to be wrong, willingness to be led, willingness to talk through and engage conversations, willingness to be held accountable, sincere effort and interest to understand himself / the roots of his behaviors, a revulsion to things that lack sexual integrity, a willingness to honor your wife’s needs, being at war with yourself + open access.

Mid-Recovery Work - tenderness from him and sitting with her in her pain, steadfastness and him being in the process for the long haul, him leading her well, moving from sobriety to character change, recovery becoming a way of life, empathy becomes an intentional thing that he WANTS to give, being steady while the cement dries, focusing on intimacy aversion / acting in.

Love it when Jason said this: In early recovery - her safety is his assignment. In mid recovery - he internalizes that her safety is his responsibility. And then in late recovery - he knows her safety is his privilege.

Good work does not end after early recovery. Women deeply desire for their husbands to go the distance with them and to do the mid-recovery work well. Our hope is that this is exactly what each of you (husband) will choose to do.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6!

Shelley mentions episode #40 - Mid-recovery - Making the distance between surviving and thriving for more details on mid-recovery.
For the episode on Acting In / Intimacy Aversion - check out episode #25 and episode #26.
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.
We would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - join that wait list here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
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In this episode - we are diving in to a question that Shelley receives quite regularly - why did you stay? And were you / are you embarrassed that you chose to stay?

We start with talking about some of the reasons that can make it embarrassing to stay - for instance, in our culture - there is this notion that when a woman is cheated on, there must be something wrong with her / something she did. I loved it when Jason said - “no amount of bad marriage necessitates or drives infidelity or betrayal”. I’d like to print this on a sticker or a t-shirt - anyone want one?!

Another reason that it can be really hard and even embarrassing to stay is when he is not doing the work (or is doing work some of the time but not consistently) and DIGNITY is not restored. This is critical to the couple ship process - for what has been stripped from her (dignity) to be restored.

We share several other reasons - what I think is important is for each of you to NAME what makes it embarrassing to stay and then also decide what is true / what isn’t true with your reasoning.

We then pivot to talking about some of the reasons I chose to stay with Jason at the fresh, young age of 26. I initially talk about giving myself permission to sit in the in-between and not make a quick decision. Let me be really clear (because I’m not sure if I was in the podcast episode) - while this is not a reason I stayed, it did help me tremendously in being able to make the choice, one way or another. I didn’t put pressure on myself to make a decision and I allowed myself to embrace the discomfort of not knowing which way to go.

Ultimately, I chose to stay because Jason completely changed. At a heart level. More than anything - he owned his brokenness and failures. And I wasn’t willing to stay with him if he was just sober and nothing more. I realized after all the hurt and all the pain - that he was still the man of my dreams. And I wanted to try to do life with him. I knew it was risky but the thought of not taking the risk wasn’t something I could wrap my head around.

And finally - I realized and waited for God to show me the way, it was just too big of a decision for me to make on my own. Even when I received clarity from God - I questioned if it was real (similar to Gideon and the fleece situation in Judges chapter 6 (see below)) and asked for more clarity. Ultimately - I’ve been able to hang tight to sign God gave me through the years.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6!

For an article on What I Would Have Done Differently, written by our beloved Amy Garcia - click here. For the podcast on what we would have done differently (it’s episode #2) - click here.
Here is a link to the passage from Judges 6:11-40.
Would LOVE for you to join me at the Spring Retreat - click here for more information. We have ONE spot left!
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. You will find the Threats Assessment as well as the Bow-Tie Diagram + Video.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list,
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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It’s show time! Here we go - Season #6 of Redemptive Living Radio is HERE.

On this first episode of the season, we are talking about relapses. I realize this can be a super tender topic on all fronts.

Here are some of the questions we answer:

1 - What is a relapse? - In some ways, a relapse is VERY clear and in some instances, it can seem a bit arbitrary. I think what is key is to look at the primary, secondary and tertiary markers / threats - see episode #23 - Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary Markers in Recovery - and allow that to guide you when it comes to what is a relapse and what is not a relapse. (Bonus - if you haven’t subscribed to the podcast freebies - please do! There is a link in the show notes of episode #23 as well as below.) There are nuances for each of us, so we do have to take this on a case by case basis.

2 - What is the difference between a relapse and a slip? And is this important? - quick answer is - this is NOT important.

2 - Should we expect a relapse? - please no.

3 - What are men initially working on in order to prevent relapses? - Jason talks about a three-legged stool to include radical honesty, emotional intimacy and accountability as the key things initially initially (it’s more than this but just to deduce it down as much as possible) he is working on to help not only avoid relapses but to also move forward in recovery.

4 - How can we leverage relapses to be apart of good recovery work versus apart of the addiction? - Jason talks about focusing on radical honesty, character work, emotional intimacy work, shame work, sitting in pain and more.

5 - What if he continues to relapse? - It’s important to consider some other things that might be going on / might be helpful if relapses continue. We would be remiss if we didn’t address this before signing off.

I love Jason’s encouragement at the end: let’s grow from relapses and not just accept them as apart of the process.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6!

Henry Ford quote pertaining to our attitude with success and failure: "whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.”
Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. You will find the Threats Assessment as well as the Bow-Tie Diagram + Video.
There are two spots left in the Empowered Boundary Class - starting January 25th. I would LOVE for you to join me. Click here for more details + to register.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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Welcome back to the podcast!!! We wanted to jump in and do a bonus podcast for you guys ahead of the release of Season #6 which will air in January, 2024.

While it really is a topic near and dear to Jason’s heart - it’s also a PSA for ALL of us as we prepare to be with extended family over Thanksgiving and Christmas. The holidays can be really challenging - no matter what - and then throw in Family Systems (see below) + recovery and it’s a LOT. The happy holidays can feel like the not so happy holidays.

We cover five key points to ponder as you consider how Family Systems impacts your holiday experience:

1 - Name the role you played in your family of origin as well as who you are now relative to the earlier role you played.

2 - Acknowledge your wife’s needs when navigating holiday interactions.

3 - When emotions are high, use discernment on what to share and say in front of extended family, AND honor yourself and your boundaries / limits.

4 - Front Loading conversations between him and her prior to the holiday gatherings.

5 - Daily Downloads, initiated by him, for the two of you every day you are with extended family.

6 - And Bonus: for women - identifying anchors (activities you can do to keep yourself grounded) on the daily while with extended family.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us and we are excited to be with you for Season 6, starting January 5th, 2024.

Would love for you to join me and my team at the Spring Retreat. Applications are LIVE to the wait list only THIS Friday, November 24th - you can join the wait list by clicking here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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This week on RL Radio - NOT going back to the way it was

This is the final episode of Season #5. We had a hard time putting a pin in this Season - we had so much fun laughing with each other (and hopefully with you guys as you listened in). I also realize that we bring out the tears in a lot of our listeners, so for that - well, I’m grateful that you were able to grieve and connect and know that we love you all!

I wanted us to loop back to Episode #60 where Jason talked about the rubric for living out recovery in life. (Which, btw, for any of you that read this - would you like for us to make a graphic of that rubric?! if so, please email me, subject line podcast and let me know!)

We re-listened to parts of Episode #60 before recording this episode and Jason mentioned in that episode that some men want to do life the way they have always done it, minus the acting out. I see this as a huge issue with the clients I work with - this temptation to just go back to the way it was (for him) once he has stopped acting out. So Jason talked through a Rubric that can be used to live life from a recovery mindset. At the end of the episode, one of the questions I had for Jason was: what makes him even want to go back to life as it was? We didn’t have time to dig into that question on episode #60 so here we are - digging into it now. You’re welcome.

Jason shares a handful of reasons men want to go back to life as it was before (and I added in one at the end) - what would you add to this list?

Fear of wholesale change / Identity shifts.
Being “comfortably numb”.
Ignorance
Religion / Faith
Being the center of the universe (as the addict) and the desire to go back to that.
Arrogance and pride.
Shame (including both appropriate biblical shame or toxic shame)

I love at the end when Jason said that too many people think recovery is going to meetings. When actually recovery is actually #1 - sanctification and #2 - life work. Boom.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

You can listen to Episode #60 - A Rubric for Living Out Recovery In Life here
Jason refers to Pink Floyd and Comfortably Numb - he says they are great theologians - I wanted to ask him what in the world he meant by that - but I decided not to, we will save that for next season.
I was mistaken, when I referred to Deuteronomy for the four connectors (mind, heart, body and soul) - I was actually referring to Luke 10:27.
Jason refers to the story of Jesus and the invalid in John 5:1-14. I misunderstood Jason during the recording - I thought he was saying that this story DID occur in the Bible. As I was working on the show notes, I couldn’t find that story (oh my.). So I clarified with Jason - he is saying that there are some men that are prideful and arrogant and would say to Jesus - “I ain’t sick man, I don’t know what you are talking about.” I’m such a #bibletoddler.
Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE but will be closing soon - click here to access the application. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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This week on RL Radio - Part Two of Moving Toward Divorce with Elizabeth

Picking up where we left off, I start out with a quick recap of what we discussed in part one and then we continue to dig into more of what it looks like to journey well including having hope. Elizabeth mentions this CS Lewis quote - “One day all the sad things will become untrue.” In other words - holding onto hope includes keeping our eyes on the end goal and NAMING those end goals. Elizabeth challenged the listeners to pause at some point and really consider - "what is your end goal?”

We also talked about separation including a legal separation and if / when that is appropriate.

We landed the plane with both Jason and I asking Elizabeth specific questions - I LOVED Jason’s question regarding what would have caused Elizabeth to have paused on moving forward with the divorce - as in, what could he have done to have caused her to pause and shift gears. Elizabeth’s answer is powerful and something that we ALL need to see from him - laying down all the shiny pieces.

We are so grateful for Elizabeth’s partnership with us and for her sharing her wisdom with us. And as she said at the end, this conversation will not end so please send us your questions and thoughts!

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

You can listen to our initial interview with Elizabeth, Episode #48, After a Marriage Ends.
Elizabeth mentioned John Eldridge’s book (which I have not read yet!) - All Things New.
Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE but will be closing soon - click here to access the application. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, Masterclasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

All Things New: Heaven, Earth, and the Restoration of Everything You Love

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This week on RL Radio: Moving Toward Divorce - Part 1

We are delighted to have another conversation with Elizabeth from the RLW team! As you will hear, we recorded this episode in May on her, as she said, “would be” anniversary. Oh, the timing.

We didn’t know this when we recorded the episode, but our podcast producers shared recently that Elizabeth’s first time on our podcast (Episode #48, linked below) is the most listened to episode! I am SO not surprised.

We received several questions from listeners asking for us to talk more about what it might look like to prepare for divorce if the path forward starts to potentially include that. Elizabeth shared several things to consider including: support, being aware of trauma in the church, having others that will ask the hard questions and challenge motivations (see note below on Psalm 139:23-24), pacing self and journeying well, grieving well (and leaning in like a buffalo), and finally, reclaiming spaces and places and areas of our hearts.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

You can listen to our initial interview with Elizabeth, Episode #48, After a Marriage Ends.
After the recording, Elizabeth really wanted to make sure we referenced Psalm 139: 23-24 when it comes to challenging our motivations. She meant to share this during the recording but didn’t get to it.
Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE but will be closing soon - click here to access the application. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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This week on RL Radio - Holding Her in High Esteem

How can he hold her in high esteem? Being able to do this is - per Jason, a "quick win" and something guys can start doing today to make a difference in the coupleship and in their recovery. Typically, because of the pain he is experiencing, he will disparage her (to offset the pain). To do this - he needs to focus initially on his own heart and mind - and if he is focusing on her flaws, highlighting her hurts, and bemoaning her brokenness - he is hurting himself and hurting her.

Jason gives two strategies to help move toward holding her in high esteem:

Where is the Focus? Cross-checking his internal posture toward her as well as how he is presenting her to others.
What is the Fix? If the remedy to his pain is HER changing, this will damage the process. Be listening for what you (he) thinks the fix is.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE but will be closing soon - click here to access the application. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, Master Classes and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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This week on RL Radio - A Rubric for Living Out Recovery in Life

What does it look like to "live out recovery” in day to day life? Maybe he is going to groups, getting therapy, not acting out - which is all great. But sometimes (oftentimes) - that can be all that is different. He is doing life the way he’s always done it otherwise. (And side note: this does not promote the rebuilding of trust, safety, or MANY of the things she needs to heal! I’m just not going to mince my words - it simply. doesn’t. work. if life doesn’t look different. The end.)

With that said - Jason has five lenses to look through to help shift from doing life the way it’s always been (minus the acting out) to living out recovery in day to day life.

My brokenness and how that comes to bear on the situation.
My overall story.
Threats Assessment.
My overall recovery and where I am today.
Integration and protecting my wife’s heart.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Shelley mentions this recent episode (#52) - Dropping the Rope at the top of the podcast.
You can access the Threats Assessment by clicking here and subscribing to the Podcast Freebies.
Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE but will be closing soon - click here to access the application. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements.
Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.

Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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This week on RL Radio - Holding the Tension Between Two Truths

In this episode we talk about holding the tension between two truths. This can be a challenge for men in recovery because of the compartmentalization that occurs with addiction. (A big part of recovery is integration - as in, breaking down those boxes.) Holding the tension between two truths is one of several ways we can work on decompartmentalization. Holding two truths can also help when there is catastrophizing in the recovery process.

Jason gives some examples of holding the tension between the two truths which hopefully will help bring this important recovery concept to light.

Ultimately, having an awareness of and practicing holding the tension is an important first step as well as writing them down. And for the record, I do feel like I owe Jason an apology regarding the pillow situation. I’m embarrassed by my behavior and once I send off these show notes, I’m going to make sure and talk to him again.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Jason mentions this recent episode (#52 - Dropping the Rope) at the top of the podcast and episode #56 - a “Who Knows” of Hope toward the end.
Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE but will be closing soon - click here to access the application. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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This week on RL Radio - Thomas’s story - Part Two

In part two, we pick up with where we left off with one more of Thomas’s rock bottoms (in addition to the others mentioned in Part One) that became a pivotal part of his upward trajectory. Ultimately, Thomas hit a place of complete surrender which propelled him toward change, movement and growth.

Thomas also shares some of the areas he needed to grow in as well as the lessons he learned + what life looks like today.

We are so grateful for Emma and Thomas and allowing us to share Thomas (and Emma’s) story with you guys. We look forward to having Emma on the pod sometime soon to get more of her story.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Thomas’s Bio
Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE for the public today - click here to access the application. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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This week on RL Radio - Thomas’s story - Part One

Trigger Warning: We want to make sure that you protect yourself (and your children) if you choose to listen to this episode. Thomas shares his story, starting from when he was seven years old - exposed to pornography followed by years of masturbation and progressing from there. The first twenty minutes of this episode are heart breaking but also very important and sacred and we are grateful that Thomas and Emma agreed to share their story with us on the podcast.

I believe that anyone that listens to this will hear the regret, the remorse, the humility in Thomas’s voice. It’s real and necessary and ladies - I believe this is what we all need to heal relationally WITH him.

I have no links, no resources for this episode - Thomas’s story (and Emma’s) is what this one is all about.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE for the public today - click here to access the application. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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This week on RL Radio - part three of the Empowerment Miniseries - A “Who Knows” of Hope

Oh my goodness, enjoy the first five minutes of the episode as you get a first-hand glimpse into the communication issues that are Jason and Shelley. If you don’t need any more laughs in your day, feel free to fast-forward to just shy of five minutes and you’ll be okay - except the communication issues persist so, well, buckle up.

As for the podcast episode - what we dig into is this: What does it look like for women to go from being a shell of ourselves to who God created us to be on this earth? We talk about what it looked like for me to lose myself before disclosure / discovery as well as the implosion that occurs when it all comes crashing down. Hope is completely lost.

And yet… and yet, in the devastation and in the wake, there is an invitation for each of us women to step into a completely different, new life - the life God created us to live. We can leverage the pain and devastation for good. WHAT IF putting ourselves back together (the PROCESS) is how we can move closer to who we were created to be here on this earth? Who KNOWS what God has in store for us!!! There IS hope.

So how do we get “there”- there meaning the fullest version of ourselves:

#1 - Let yourself fully fall apart.

#2 - To look for and take back what is yours to take back - your voice, your feelings, your sanity, what you think / want / need / feel - bottom line: reclaiming your space and your worth.

#3 - Asking God: How will you redeem this?

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

I do not see a podcast episode related to women losing themselves. We are officially losing our minds.
Genesis 50:20 - Joseph leveraging his pain for good.
See the "who knows of hope" in Esther 4:14 as well as in Jonah 3:9.
Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE for the wait list today + LIVE for the public next week. If you are not on the wait list, click here to access the application starting on May 26th. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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This week on RL Radio - part two of the Empower miniseries - Reclaiming What Was Lost

{Side note: this episode made me laugh several times while I was doing these show notes. Whatever you do, listen to the very, very end of the episode. Hilarious.}

We start by chatting about all the things that were lost: locations, memorable events, the entire marriage, innocence and purity, joy and hope, certain relationships. Basically - it feels like everything.

So, what do we do? How do we reclaim what is lost and allow ourselves the space to release what is not worth redeeming? Four things we can do –

Name what is hurting, the pain points, the grief. Daniel Siegel says - "we name it to tame it".
Tend to the grief: we do both spontaneous grief work and intentional grief work. See below for links to verses! Plus - giving ourselves compassion.
Letting God in.
Make the choice: what do you want to reclaim and what do you want to release?

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

The two verses I couldn’t recall as we were talking live on the pod are 2 Corinthians 1:3-6 and Psalm 126:5-6.
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + articles if you would like access to the worksheet I mentioned on this episode.
We will be announcing details for the next RLW Retreat + opening applications on the NEXT episode. To make sure you get all the details - add yourself to the retreat interest list here.
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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This week on RL Radio - we start our Empowerment Miniseries - starting with a question we have received multiple times - how can we get over the legitimate fear of seeing and interacting with “attractive” women in public.

Because betrayal is an assault on our mind, heart, body and soul - most women feel exposed and discarded and less than. This makes it incredibly scary to go back into public and face other women. As we prepped for this podcast episode, I appreciate what Jason said - “this is going to hurt no matter what”. And it’s true - this pain we face when going back out in public is awful. But there is hope and we have help. I give three suggestions:

Doing the internal work of being okay with you, just as you are. You are unique and you matter, every part of you.
In the Moment Strategies / Breaking Point Strategies: seeing women as flawed and human, having boundaries with him early on (i.e., not being in public with him) + having boundaries in the moment if you feel you need extra protection - you get to choose!
Maintenance Strategies: calming our nervous systems, slowing down, reconnecting with our bodies, inviting God into our morning to help us get through our day.

Just a friendly reminder: you are not the cause and you are not the fix. I don’t mention this until the beginning of the next episode - but want to say this here: ladies - there is SO much hope! It doesn’t have to be this way forever. As you heal, going out in public WILL get better.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Strategies to help you calm your nervous system - click here and sign up for the Podcast Freebies!
For more information on RL Academy, click here.
We will be announcing details for the next RLW Retreat + opening applications soon. To make sure you get all the details - add yourself to the retreat interest list here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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This week on RL Radio - we start by talking about adversarial language. Jason gives a lot of examples - “swim toward the sharks”, “stand in front of the firing line”, “she’s on the gurney”, “tossing him grenades". Jason then explains some of the reasons this can be an issue including - it makes the wife the enemy and dehumanizes her. It also puts him (the husband) in a passive place versus an active participant in her healing.

Instead, we want to encourage husbands to pivot toward this: anytime there is pain communicated is an opportunity for a healing exchange to take place. This happens via integration and intimacy. Jason and I get a little stuck when talking about whether he is avoiding saying something because he is caring for her versus avoiding saying something because of his intimacy aversion.

Jason shares a couple of things that can help when the lack of conversation is because of the latter (avoiding intimacy or intimacy aversion) - a shift in mindset in serving her and serving yourself, seeing our call is to move toward pain; and last - seeing the fruit of it. I then add in: having people to support us and encourage us to lean back in.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

For more information on RL Academy, click here.
We will be announcing details for the next RLW Retreat + opening applications soon. To make sure you get all the details - add yourself to the retreat interest list here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click ere to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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This week on the RL Radio Podcast - we talk about a place a lot of women find themselves in: doing her recovery work AND his recovery work at the same time. While this might “work” for a while, at some point - she will be exhausted, worn out, and a shell of herself. So what does it look like for her to drop the rope if he isn’t doing the work? And one note: dropping the rope and dropping the hammer are two different things. Jason got confused, thought they were one in the same - but they are NOT. We also talk about control and how Jason accused me of being controlling (which is what he accused me of when I so badly wanted our marriage to go in a different direction and yet he was in the thick of his addiction).

The three to four things she can work on as she is moving toward dropping the rope:

consistent and quality emotional support
financial stability or at a place where the finances can be surrendered
working toward getting stronger and healing from within
holding onto hope - see Hebrews 6:19 and Proverbs 13:12

Ultimately, she is going to get clarity by dropping the rope and THEN she can decide how she wants to move forward.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

If you want to see examples of the T-30 Journal + a check-in (FITNAP) from Worthy of Her Trust and Rescued, respectively, you can click here and subscribe to the podcast downloads. You will get an email with ALL the podcast downloads we have offered to date!
Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we will be starting the next class in May, registration OPENS on Saturday, April 22nd. Would love for you to join me!
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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This week on the RL Radio podcast - part two of the two-part series on what it looks like when he takes the blame versus what it looks like for him to take ownership. In this episode, we focus on the latter, taking ownership. I love this episode and I hope you love it, too!

For a real life example - we discuss our lovely turquoise, tweed couch and how Jason took the blame initially via victim AND martyr. (Ladies - CRAZY making!!!)

Here are three principles he can use to pivot from blame to ownership:

Ownership happens when there is something bigger than me to fall back on. This begs the question: What is my worth in?
Ownership happens when my eyes are on you, not on me. As in: feeling it with her and for her; no excuses made, focus completely on her.
Ownership happens when the wrong stands alone. As in: expose it, don’t hide it; fully own it.

We then talk about what SHE experiences when he owns it + what it does for him when he owns it.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

For a photo of my poor couch - click here. This is just one of the two couches that have been damaged when I’ve been out of town. Tragic.
If you want to see examples of the T-30 Journal + a check-in (FITNAP) from Worthy of Her Trust and Rescued, respectively, you can click here and subscribe to the podcast downloads. You will get an email with ALL the podcast downloads we have offered to date!
Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we will be starting the next MasterClass in May!
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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Welcome back to RL Radio! We are starting this fifth season with a two part series on what it looks like when he takes the blame versus what it looks like for him to take ownership. In this first episode, we break down what it looks like to take the blame. Specifically this can look like taking the role of the victim (think: passive and not even checking the box) or taking the role of the martyr (think: attacking and checks the box but with the wrong heart attitude).

What this does to her is exactly what it’s doing to him. With the victim role - he becomes MORE powerless, MORE hopeless and it does the exact same thing to her when he plays this role. Likewise, with the martyr role - he becomes more isolated, feels even more punished - and the same applies to her - she feels shut down and punished for even making a request.

There is a better way - and it’s called ownership. Ownership aides in making the moment healing versus making the moment another painful drop in the bucket. And if, for a second, you think this comes easy to us - it doesn’t. Case in point: the beautiful teal tweed couch and the lovely green suede couch. You’ll understand in part two next week! We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

An example of the T-30 journal can be found in the back of Worthy of Her Trust.
An example of a check-in can be found on page 153 in Rescued.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this final episode of season #4 - we talk about the importance of him validating the totality of her experience - not just what she has experienced since D-day but before then as well. Here is what we know - women need validation (as they look in the rear view mirror) and view everything as catastrophic before they can look back and see anything that is good.

During our conversation - we take some time to talk about equanimity. We talked about equanimity in this podcast if you want to hear more. But Jason said some things in this podcast that I thought were SO validating so I hope you will listen for them. In particular, we discuss this concept of everything being run through the lens of betrayal (when it comes to the marital relationship) and leveraging what we have experienced and using it for good.

We also discuss some of the things that make it hard for a husband to validate her when it all feels tainted and in the podcast, we give antidotes for each of these:

He fears: "what if she stays there and never sees anything as good or positive from the past?”
Activates his shame - “I’m a horrible person.”
He wonders: “when do I get a voice”? (Holding onto equanimity. WARNING: we camp here for quite a bit!) I love it when Jason said: “the level of injury from all the betrayal (acting in and acting out) overshadows the injury from relational issues…. Everything must run through the lens of betrayal, even today.”
Him being misinformed: “But I’m not doing it now!”
For men that have a performance oriented identity: “I’ll never be able to do enough.”

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Applications are about to close for the next RLW Retreat, October 6-9 in Scottsdale, AZ. Click here to apply!
Interested in a women’s support group? Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here.
Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we will be starting the next group in late September / early October.
Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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On this episode we have our VERY special and FIRST guest on our podcast, Elizabeth! She is one of our amazing coaches here at Redemptive Living for Women. I'm so excited to share our conversation, as I want all of you women out there to know there is hope for you, whether your marriage survives or not. Elizabeth paints word pictures for us as we discuss her journey of the past five years. From the ideal couple - to betrayal - to hoping there would be change - to being released from holding vigil over a dead thing - to now: being “healthily divorced”. Here is a little more detail on the things we discuss from Elizabeth’s journey: * Meeting and marriage * Betrayal discovery * Early work, the first few months * Developing a community, tribe, safety net * Years of separation * Prayerfully moving from separation to filing for divorce * Who God is calling her to be as Elizabeth, not just as a wife or ex-wife * Her passion for journeying with other women during their betrayal recovery

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! * Elizabeth’s bio and contact info is here. * Applications are OPEN for the next RLW Retreat! Click here to apply! * Interested in a women’s support group? Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here. * Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we are about to wrap up the current class and will be back with a new class this Fall. * Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. * Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. * We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! * Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. * Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this episode we wanted to talk about what to do when he chooses not to do the work. Warning: we get off track a lot. We start with talking about contradictions in the Bible - for instance: Ephesians 4:26 says - Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. However, Psalm 4:4 says - be angry yet don’t sin. Think about it overnight and remain silent. Contradictions. This applies to the betrayal recovery process in that sometimes its hard to know: do I give him grace? Or do I use the tough love approach? We both agree that the "grace based approach" doesn’t work as well as the "tough love approach" when it comes to sexual addiction recovery. This is born out of our story - I initially tried the grace based approach and it did not work. It wasn’t until I dropped the hammer that the floor raised for Jason, he saw I was serious, and he had to make a choice. Of course, it’s important to note that the tough love approach doesn’t always save the marriage, as you will hear about next week on the pod. Here are several of the high points from our talk: 1 - Before dropping the hammer, plead for him to change. 2 - Get Support. 2 - Choose your hard. 3 - Consider the Matthew 18 approach. 4 - Don’t jump to divorce out of the gate - start with boundaries. 5 - Ask yourself these questions: What do I need? What do I need to feel safe? What do you have a right to? How can I protect me? We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! * The episode on Mid-Recovery (#40) can be found here and the episodes on Early-Recovery (#14 and #15) are here and here. * Applications are OPEN for the next RLW Retreat! Click here to apply! * Shelley mentions “I Don’t Love You Anymore” by Dr. David Clarke - excellent book that I think every wife should read! * Interested in a women’s support group? Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here. * Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we are about to wrap up the current class and will be back with a new class this Fall. * Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. * Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. * We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! * Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. * Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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Hi all! We're a little behind on recording, so our next new episode will be out next friday.

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In this episode, we talk about how hard it is for her as she is wondering: is he doing recovery work? Or not?

Some of the things women wonder about:

is he cheating on me today?
what if he is just checking the box?
is he really living with integrity when I am not around?
is he actually applying what we are investing time and money to learn?
what is he doing when he isn’t with me?
is he standing up for me and honoring me when he is with our children?
the list goes on… it’s a LOT to carry

Ladies - I encourage you to journal out: what is weighing on your mind as far as what you are wondering about when it comes to his recovery.

We then talk about: what can he do to help with this wondering. It comes down to transferring the burden. Jason gives four strategies men can use to transfer the burden onto him. I also mention some strategies she can use to free herself from this wondering.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Jason mentions being a wife knower - see episode #41 for more on that.
Jason also mentions episode #39 on Rebuilding Trust: The Practicalities. You can hear that episode here.
Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we are about to wrap up the current class and will be back with a new class this Fall.
Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop.
Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women. Ticket sales go live tomorrow to the public!
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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We start this episode with a big announcement - the 2nd RLW retreat will be in Scottsdale, AZ October 6th-9th. I really hope you will consider joining me! Ticket sales go live on July 2nd but we will be opening up tickets to the wait list prior to this date. Click here to join the waitlist.

We then get sidetracked talking about some of our favorite restaurants in the Scottsdale area: The Farm at South Mountain, Bandera - which apparently closed this year, and Luci’s at the Grove

I wanted to start with pinning up a couple of things from the last episode:

In particular a bit more of the Story of Joseph which is in Genesis 37 through the end of Genesis. Bottom line: we see a Biblical example of forgiveness and grief and in particular Joseph shows us that we can forgive and then continue to grieve.
Fast forgiveness can lead to fast bitterness for women. Jason wanted to reiterate that a husband’s heart attitude toward the forgiveness process for her needs to be focused on for her to feel better, not just for him to feel better.

We then dig into some handholds that women can use as they work through the forgiveness process. We dig into these six phases of the process:

Awareness - owning our feelings, this is the beginning of grief
Acknowledgement - name the bitterness, resentment, etc. and see that forgiveness is ultimately the answer - but it’s okay to not jump to forgiveness if you aren’t ready
Empathize and Experience - empathy is key (but keep in mind this can take a long time to cultivate). In regards to experience: this is from the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18- when we experience forgiveness (not just receive it) - it readies our hearts to share it with others.
Choice - forgiveness is volitional, it’s a choice, it literally means - “to let go”
Commemorate and Communicate - doing something to show that you have said your big “yes” of forgiveness and consider communicating this to the one that has hurt you (use wisdom here, depends on the relationship)
Continuation - even after our big yes of forgiveness - continuing to say the little yeses. The number of times we forgive is not a numerical standard but rather a heart standard. We will continue to forgive until our heart is at peace.

Forgiveness work is a full-time job ladies. And for men listening - please hear me say: she is working HARD to get there. When she is crying and grieving - know that this is what is moving her through and toward forgiveness.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Click here for information on Support Groups - we are working on new groups for 3 Q 2022.
Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop.
Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women. By joining the wait list, you will get early access to ticket sales.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this episode, we talk about all things forgiveness. This is one of my favorite topics in the betrayal recovery realm and I realize that we are just barely skimming the surface here. I start with sharing a bit of my forgiveness story, just to give all you listeners a bit of context on where I am coming from. Bottom line: initially I saw forgiveness as THE solution and so my second run at forgiveness, I chose to take it very slowly, as I knew I had to do it differently. Some of the other things we chat about: * the pressure put on women by our Christian culture to forgive * the fears that come along with forgiving - like not being able to grieve or talk about the pain and hurt anymore once we forgive * what needs to happen in order to forgive: grief work, knowing what she is forgiving, and getting safe (safety comes before forgiveness)

the story of Joseph and how he grieves and forgives interchangeably. Once forgiveness takes place, he continues to grieve. We see in Genesis 41: 51-52 as well as in Genesis 50:20 that Joseph is in the process of forgiving, saying big and little yeses. We see in Genesis 42:24 and 43:30 Joseph grieving (just to name a few instances of Joseph grieving).
the difference between grief and unforgiveness: unforgiveness is defined by “the demand for what you owe me” whereas grief is expressing the “pain of how you hurt me”.
what helps her to be able to forgive: him being forgivable - including humility, contrition, talking about it when she needs to, being willing to say “I’m sorry” - many a times.
what does forgiveness look like when he didn’t do recovery work and he isn’t safe. Sometimes having strong boundaries can FEEL like unforgiveness.
Shelley mentions Matthew 18: 21-22 when Jesus teaches that forgiveness, and continuing to do so, is based on our hearts, not on a number.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! * "Forgiveness is both an event and a process. It’s one big yes followed by many little yeses as the months and years roll by.” - Paula Rinehart, Strong Women, Soft Hearts * Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. * Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location on July 24th! By joining the wait list, you will get early access to ticket sales. * Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. * We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! * Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. * Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this episode, we talk about what to do when he is pressuring her to have sex. We chose to look at this through the lens of desiring for change, healing, and care for her. Bottom line - if he is putting pressure on her to have sex - it’'s a signal of something deeper going on within him that needs to be explored.

We do a lot of talking and ultimately identify and discuss:

1 - The tells that there is something deeper going on within him that needs to be addressed.

2 - What he needs to do.

3 - What can she do when this is happening.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop.
Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location on July 24th!
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this episode, we talk about when he is withholding sex during recovery. While this might not be as common as men that will hypersexualize their wives, it’s still something that we see and it’s important to give space to this piece of the puzzle because it is INCREDIBLY painful and confusing for her. We start with talking about the underpinnings of withholding sex. Jason gives five different reasons that he sees that can contribute to this and I think it’s important to note that the intimacy aversion as well as trauma from childhood, I believe, weigh the most as far as underpinnings.

We then talk about what she needs in the midst of this: reassurance via cared, adored, loved, etc. This is tricky because a lot of men aren’t capable of this early on in recovery due to it being too intimate, too vulnerable, too risky. In addition, she needs to see him actively working on the underpinnings.

Finally, we talk about what the couple can do in order to move toward reconnecting sexually in a healthy way. We will be back next week with part 2, looking at the other side of the coin: what to do when he is hypersexual.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Here is a link to the Rescued workbook.
Click here to download the Podcast Freebies - we added the building blocks of intimacy graphic.
Here is a link to the cow meme I referred to from Instagram.
Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop.
Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon!
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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Okay you guys - this was another really hard episode to record. We started in our podcast studio (aka my office) and then had to move to our bedroom. Upon setting up camp in our bedroom, we kept getting interrupted - by a puppy, by our children, by a vacuum cleaner. Thank goodness for Mary and Christa, our podcast producers - I am sure they had their work cut out for them on this one. In this episode, we talk about a phenomenon we see in the recovery process where he gets too far out ahead and in effect leaves her behind. This can happen post-disclosure when he has aired his dirty laundry and he feels better. This can also happen when he has done some recovery work and genuinely sees and feels a difference and looks back at her, sees her as being stuck, and implicitly in his communication - he says - “you should come up here”. The issue with this is it implies she is the problem in moving through recovery. And oftentimes - she is blamed for not being forgiving. As I say on the podcast, this is awful. If anyone wants it to be fast - trust me, it’s her! We explore the reasons motivating him to do this, what she really needs and what he can do to come back to her. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! * Link to the podcast episode on Shame * Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. * Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! * Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. * We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! * Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. * Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this episode - our special guest is struggling at the beginning of the episode. It doesn’t last long, thank goodness. Hang tight during the first couple of minutes. As for what we talk about: it’s all about mid recovery. Such an incredibly important part of the process - it will determine whether you survive versus whether you thrive.

We start by clarifying the difference between early-recovery and mid-recovery - here is a bit of an outline:

Early Recovery includes:

Formal Disclosure
Boundary Setting
Grieving
Anger
Managing Triggers
Family of Origin work for him
Managing Shame
Insight into his triggers

Mid Recovery includes:

Grief cycles are shorter
Triggers can feel worse
Check-Ins not as formal
Him getting a handle on his Acting In
Continuing his Family of Origin work
Experiencing the fruits of forgiveness
Her needing to see him pressing in - this isn’t the time to let off the gas
For her - increased weariness oftentimes occurs (process fatigue)
Sobriety isn’t in question nor is it the focal point

I loved it when Jason said early recovery is oftentimes defined by the don’ts while mid recovery is defined by the do’s. Another great quote: "when someone has become friends with the work, you can tell they are living in recovery.” We land the plane with talking about some of the specific things that you can be doing in mid recovery. Truly there is a lot of richness in this part of the process.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

See page 3 of the Rescued workbook for the Addictive Cycle which is credit to Patrick Carnes
Acting In MasterClass for men can be found here
Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop.
Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon!
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this episode - we give a quick recap of episode #38 (since it’s the foundation) and then dig into more of the practicalities of rebuilding trust. Here are five things we focus on: - It’s the little things, not just the big ticket things that matter. - Your personal positives can’t outweigh the relational positives. - Showing it’s on your mind more than it’s on hers. - When it’s the hardest it counts the most. - Showing it’s born out of your character change. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! * Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. * Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! * Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. * We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! * Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. * Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this episode - we talk about one facet of rebuilding trust. Jason mentions that the lack of trust for her is rooted in fear. I struggle with this (as you will hear at the beginning of the episode) because it feels like the issue is on her (ladies - I am here for you and standing up for YOU). Once we get over that hump - here are several things he can do to love the fear out of her: - Trust is destroyed at her expense, trust is rebuilt at his expense - Jason talks about a hobby that he chose to lose in order to rebuild trust. - A shift in mindset: “What I get to do versus what I have to do” in order to win back her heart. - Shifting from playing to not lose TO playing to win. - Getting out in front of fear: anything that activates fear, is something that you can have a conversation about. The conversation continues as we talk about the importance of him cultivating intimacy as well as developing character traits that she is looking for in order to feel safe, love (not fear) and in order to move through the process. All things that women can expect not because of betrayal but because of who God is calling him to be. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! * Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. * Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! * Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. * We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! * Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. * Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this episode - we talk about sexual intimacy post-betrayal. Here are just a couple of the things we discuss:

Allow it to be wonky and work toward decreasing the pressure to make this part of the relationship perfect - as I (Shelley) mention in the podcast - let it be life work.
We discuss frequency - should it be every 72 hours? What about depriving one another (see 1 Corinthians 7:5)?
Triggers for him and for her when engaging in sexual intimacy.

Ultimately - it’s important to think of sexual intimacy as an opportunity for us to redefine in a healthy way what is most important. It’s not to be transactional, it’s not just to get it done - it’s to be caring, loving, and a celebration of the greater intimacy we share with our spouse.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Shelley mentions Episode #19 - Sexual Abstinence in the Recovery Process
Shelley mentions Episode #33 - Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts (for Women)
The Worthy of Her Trust workshop for men is happening this March in TX. Applications close in one week - you can get all the details for that here.
There is also a women’s retreat happening the beginning of April in Ocean Isle Beach, NC - details are here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.

Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this episode, we are going to skim the surface on how we as adults can protect our children from exposure to pornography. Please know that this isn’t a space where we need to judge each other but rather where we can link arms and help each other protect our children. Here are the high points:

What is so very important is to be talking about it - we expound on this in the episode and talk a bit about how talking to our children progresses as they get older.
Naming shame and developing emotional intimacy - we see these two things as big ticket strategies that will help prevent sexual integrity issues long term.
Delay, Limit and Protect - pertaining to technology.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Slides from our recent presentation - includes stats (coming soon!)
Shelley mentions Decoding Boys as a great resource for parents of boys. There is also a book by the same author for girls entitled The Care and Keeping of You.
Feelings Wheel Pillow
Gabb Phone
Bark
Covenant Eyes
Gryphon Router
The Worthy of Her Trust workshop for men is happening in three weeks. There is still space available and you can get all the details for that here.
There is also a women’s retreat happening the beginning of April in Ocean Isle Beach, NC - details are here.
Would love for you to join me for an upcoming Boundaries MasterClass for Women - all the details here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

The Care & Keeping of You (American Girl Library)

Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

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We start with a very quick appliance update even if Jason thinks nobody cares. I know otherwise!

As for the episode: Does your husband or x-husband tell you there is no reason to talk about the sexual integrity issue because he doesn’t struggle anymore? This is something we hear quite often and it sends red flags off in my (Shelley’s) head in a major way. We unpack how this impacts her (it can be super invalidating and scary) as well as what might be driving him to say this (fear, shame, and misinformed theology).

We then share a different framework for him to use and that will also be much more reassuring for her. Here are a couple of the high points:

Initially, the addict or dark side and the good man are tangled up with the addict in the driver’s seat. It’s important to acknowledge that those two parts of him are there.
The early recovery work focuses on extracting the addict from the guy in recovery and focusing on understanding the addict as well as understanding the good man within. As Jason says, a lot of men stop here.
Long range - what we want to do is reintegrate the addict (or dark side) and the new, good man. The good man is in the drivers seat and as Jason says - "with grace and compassion hold that the dark side is apart of us”. By owning our sin and our mistakes, we are humbled and able to hold tight to the fact that we need a Savior. This is so incredibly important.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Shelley mentions the Requests for Reassurance Episode #32 - here is the link to it.
The Worthy of Her Trust workshop for men is happening this March in TX. Applications are live and you can get all the details for that here.
There is also a women’s retreat happening the beginning of April in Ocean Isle Beach, NC - details are here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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Okay, so let me first say - this episode was HARD to record. We had a ton of technical issues and didn’t realize not once, twice but THREE times that our recorder STOPPED recording WITHOUT us knowing until 10-15 minutes later. BUT we persevered and we hope something in here speaks to you!

We wanted to chat about what it looks like when we come to a crossroad in recovery where we have to choose which way we are going. Are we going to keep fighting and not lose hope? Or are we going to throw in the towel and give up. This (navigating the crossroad) is happening underneath some of the more tangible things that we are doing in recovery like working on boundaries, navigating triggers, etc and I think it’s important to name it when it’s happening.

A couple of highlights:

Men have the greatest capacity to help their wives heal - the one that hurt us the most has the greatest capacity (besides God) to help us heal.
Three keys to navigating the crossroad (for women): awareness including naming the crossroad, making the choice to keep fighting and finally, support from other women.
For men, it’s important to also have support as well as focusing on: what is the next right thing? (And truly taking it one small step at a time.)

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

We mentioned Emily P Freeman’s podcast - The Next Right Thing. Lovely in all the ways.
Jason announced the Worthy of Her Trust workshop happening this March in TX. Applications are live and you can get all the details for that here.
There is also a women’s retreat happening the beginning of April - details are here.
MasterClasses for men start next week on February 8th.. Click here to see all the details.
We have a couple of spots left in the new groups starting this quarter for women. Would love for you to join us - these groups are game changers!
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this week’s episode, we are thrilled to have a special guest with us - our new puppy, Pluto! He was a great assistant throughout our recording. We are happy to update you on our dryer as well as Shelley’s continued choices to wear clothing from two decades ago. Moving onto more important things - we talk this week about dealing with intrusive thoughts during the recovery process, in particular for her. Here are some of the things we cover:

Know that this is "normal" and apart of the impact of the trauma. It's not where we want women to stay long-term but it does serve a purpose short term in helping us move through the grief.
There are also plenty of times when we need to contain the thoughts in order to be present and revisit the thoughts later. We give three strategies to help with this containment: brain stop, prayer and vaulting it.
Suggesting she just STOP thinking about the past, looking at evidence of the past, etc. - is harmful. Let this be HER process, not yours.
It can be important to ask the question - is there a gap in safety somewhere causing her to ruminate / obsess during certain situations (when he is at work, goes to the grocery store, etc.)? And instead of asking her to stop ruminating - figure out what she needs to feel safer.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

There are several books we mention during this episode - Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and the Brain STOP can be found on page 22 of the Rescued workbook.
Jason announced the Worthy of Her Trust workshop happening this March in TX. Applications are live and you can get all the details for that here.
There is also a women’s retreat happening the beginning of April - details are here.
We have several new groups starting in February. Click here for all the details.
Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here. Would love for you to consider taking this with me, please add your name to the wait list so that you are the first to know when registration for the next round opens. (The wait list just serves as a place for those with interest to get the first email.)
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal

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In this week’s episode, we talk about what it looks like to provide reassurance in the recovery process. Sometimes we as wives will ask questions like - “Is everything okay?”, “what is going on?”, “are you okay?”. Men in the recovery process might see this more as an invitation to “dump" or even an indictment when what she really needs is reassurance of his integrity, the recovery process and honoring her intuition that something feels off.

Here are some of the things we cover:

how he can pivot from self-focused to wife-focused
consciously shifting from proving behavior to being engaged in the process
three key areas to cover when providing reassurance

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Applications drop today for the Women’s Retreat coming up this Spring - you can get on the list here to get all the details! There will also be a men’s workshop in March and you can get all the details for that here.
We have several new groups starting in February. Click here for all the details.
Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here. Would love for you to consider taking this with me, please add your name to the wait list so that you are the first to know when registration for the next round opens. (The wait list just serves as a place for those with interest to get the first email.)
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this week’s episode, we talk about our broken dryer, broken vacuum cleaner and how I (Shelley) still wear my athletic gear from two decades ago. Don’t worry, that only lasts a couple of minutes and then we get down to business and dig into what can be done when either during the disclosure process or after (when she is processing and asking questions) - what to do when he doesn’t remember certain details of his acting out.

Here are some of the things we cover:

When he doesn’t remember, it’s important for her to see that he is actually trying. We give examples of what this can look like for him to TRY.
We talk about the strategy Jason teaches to his clients when they struggle to remember: Context, Circumstance, Character.
We discuss the best way to navigate when he DOESN'T remember what he DID do but DOES remember what he DIDN’T do.
The importance of women having as much of a definitive answer to her questions as she possibly can - it will help her heal and the marriage heal.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Thrilled to announce that there is a Women’s Retreat coming up this Spring - you can find more information here.
We have several new groups starting in February. Click here for all the details.
Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here. Would love for you to consider taking this with me, please add your name to the wait list so that you are the first to know when registration for the next round opens.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this week’s episode, we talk about the heart behind Full Disclosure. Specifically common misconceptions, who it benefits, what it’s for, etc. We didn’t want to go into a ton of the logistics of the Full Disclosure process (although we might do this at some point in another episode) - instead, we really wanted to focus on the heart behind the Full Disclosure.

Here are a couple of the things we discuss:

The importance of integration - for him to integrate this part of his story into his life - he does this by writing it out and sharing it with others (another man, his wife if she wants to hear it, God).
The importance of her getting to know anything and everything she needs to know (it’s her decision) - and ultimately it being something that can restore dignity to her soul. - The importance of getting all the lies and all the secrets out on the table - it’s not the full disclosure that ends the marriage, it’s the choices he made that might end the marriage. It’s typically continued lies that puts the nail in the coffin, not coming to the confessional.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! * Here is a link to the book I read 18 years ago that was a complete game changer in many ways but was also the book that introduced us to the concept of a disclosure. * “Thoughts become clear when they flow over the lips and through pencil tips” - we are still looking for who to credit this quote to! * “Confession is the catalyst for change.” - I heard Kelly Minter say this recently in a podcast episode of hers and it really resonated with me. * MasterClasses for men in January: Empathy and Intimacy Aversion. * Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here, registration is currently open for the class starting on January 18th. (The class on January 13th is sold out.) * Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. * We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! * Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list. * Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this week’s episode, we continue with a couple of other listener questions. Get ready for me to not answer Jason’s questions and push back on some of what he is saying - he handles me well.

Here are a couple of the things we discuss:

Is it possible to enjoy television as a couple?
Could it be true that he has no idea he may be staring at other women in public?
Boundaries to put into place if he IS looking at other women in public.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Malcolm Reed BBQ
ReBuild Workbook and Video course
MasterClasses for men in January: Empathy and Intimacy Aversion.
Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here, registration is currently open for the class starting on January 18th. (The class on January 13th is sold out.)
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this week’s episode, we address listener questions. Specifically, we address the possibility of enjoying a beach/pool day without it being triggering (which is the only listener question we got to because it was just too good!).

Early on, or even ten years into the process, this can be SO difficult. We discuss a few tips on how to approach a beach/pool day which include: seeing others (& ourselves) as humans, rather than objects; having meaningful conversations to create a plan beforehand, during the pool time as well as assessing the plan afterwards.

We hope this episode provides attainable tips and tangible hope in what your recovery can look like when it includes going to the pool and beach.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Handling Her Triggers MasterClass for Men can be found here.
Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here, registration is currently open for the class starting on January 18th. (The class on January 13th is sold out.)
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this week’s episode we are going to talk about what it looks like to heal from Acting In / Intimacy Aversion.

Remember, Acting In consists of the techniques he uses to push her away in order to protect himself.

Jason talks to husbands about what it looks like for him to stop acting in. Shelley gives three strategies to help wives protect themselves in the midst of his acting in and thus start to heal from it. We also touch on radical honesty and how powerful this can be in the recovery process.

Ultimately, the remedy for him is sanctification and character growth. And if the goal is to become more like Christ, then both sanctification and character growth will follow. This is what she needs to see and this is what will keep him walking with integrity.

We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!

Acting In techniques can be found here.
Check out Shelley’s groups here.
Podcast episode where we discuss detachment.
MasterClasses for men can be found here, including the Intimacy Aversion MasterClass. The Empathy MasterClass starts next Tuesday, December 7th, click here to register.
Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here, registration opens this Monday December 6th!
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this week’s episode we discuss Acting In which is also called Intimacy Aversion. We also discuss Gaslighting, a close cousin to Acting In.

Intimacy Aversion is keeping others at arms length in order to self-protect and self-preserve (in an unhealthy way). While this is a part of the human condition, it’s especially prevalent with men struggling with sexual integrity issues and it’s incredibly damaging - for some, it’s emotionally abusive.

We also dig into Gaslighting. There is a difference between Intimacy Aversion and Gaslighting which lies in the motivation. The motivation behind Intimacy Aversion is more about self-preservation whereas the motivation with Gaslighting is about making someone think they are crazy.

We discuss reasons for these behaviors and what to do as a wife when this happens.

We are so glad YOU are here and look forward to discussing more of how to heal from Intimacy Aversion NEXT week.

Acting In techniques can be found here.
We mention Sarah Morales and the great work she is doing around Gaslighting. She can be found here.
We mention the Sitting on Secrets Episode from Season #1 (Episode 10) which can be found here.
MasterClasses for men can be found here.
Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this episode, we talk about what to do if he is dragging his feet in recovery.

There are, in general, three archetypes on the spectrum of a man that is dragging his feet in recovery. On one end is a man that is resistant, defensive and mean. On the other end of the spectrum is a man that is trying but there is also a lot of stumbling and fumbling. In the middle - would be the man that has done some good work but has now moved into complacency.

Being able to name where he is at can be helpful in figuring out how to get unstuck (for both of you). In addition, having a conversation about where he is at and where you think he is at would be beneficial.

We wrap up this episode with what you can do when he drags his feet in recovery and what he can do when he is dragging his feet.

Thanks for joining us, we are grateful that YOU are here.

Check out our other boundaries podcast episodes here, here and here.
Shelley mentions the Welcome Series which includes a sneak peak of the Boundaries Course - you can sign up for that here.
Shelley mentions the book - Changes that Heal - love this book for learning about boundaries.
Our podcast episode on detachment can be found here.
MasterClasses for men can be found here.
Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Production Note: We had some problems with background noise in this episode. Please excuse the buzz.

Changes That Heal: How to Understand Your Past to Ensure a Healthier Future

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In this episode, we talk about getting out of the mindset that recovery is all about stopping a bad behavior. If the goal is to never act out again and nothing more - men are selling themselves short. Heart and character change associated with the process of not acting out is what is most important. Ultimately, the process is about becoming who God is calling you to be as a man.

Talking about threats or markers in recovery can help us to that end which we will introduce and explore in this episode. We also discuss acting in (or intimacy aversion) and how that fits into the threats assessment (a deep dive into Acting In, aka Intimacy Aversion is coming in two weeks, you won’t want to miss that episode!

Thanks for joining us, we are grateful that YOU are here.

Download the Threats Assessment Worksheet + Video here.
MasterClasses for men can be found here.
Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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Picking up where we left off in the last episode, we discuss what it looks like to really work at developing the “muscle” within all of us that alerts us to someone crossing into our hula hoops. Practicing an awareness for when someone crosses those lines (aka limits, or our hula hoop) and what it feels like when that line is crossed is a great place to start.

We also talk about naming what we are afraid of when setting boundaries as well as working on identifying what we need when our limits are crossed.

Jason and I finally land the plane as we talk more about the sobering reality that setting boundaries won’t fix or change others (this can be hard to swallow); nor should boundaries be used to punish. Instead, boundaries help protect us and provide clarity and ultimately help us take back our power.

Thanks for joining us, we are grateful that YOU are here.

MasterClasses for men can be found here.
Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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Welcome to Season #3 of Redemptive Living Radio! We are looking forward to sharing more about recovery post-betrayal with you over the next 12 or so weeks!

In this episode, we are continuing the conversation on boundaries.

To recap, in the last episode we talked about how the word “boundary” is used in two different ways. First, it’s how we define our “limits” in life. Recognizing when someone crosses that limit is an important skill to develop. The second type of boundary is active in nature and we use it when we are intentionally protecting ourselves from someone we don’t feel safe with.

Jason and I then talk about the different categories of boundaries. These include: internal or personal boundaries, relational boundaries, and recovery-related boundaries. Internal boundaries are the limits or the commitments you make to yourself to stay safe and protected. Relational boundaries are the boundaries we have in relationships with others. And recovery-related boundaries are those boundaries necessary in the recovery process. Keep in mind that recovery-related boundaries look and feel different, one of the reasons they can be so challenging to implement.

And finally, just a friendly reminder: you have permission to set boundaries that protect you and keep you safe.

MasterClasses can be found here.
Changes That Heal is an excellent book to read if you are wanting to understand boundaries better.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter.
Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

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In recovery, we talk about boundaries in two different ways - first, it’s how we define our “limits” in life. Sometimes people cross into our space and sometimes we cross into others' space. Recognizing when someone crosses that line (or limit) is important to be aware of. When you hear someone say - “he crossed a boundary with me”, this is what they are referring to. The second way we conceptualize boundaries is when we have to intentionally protect ourselves from someone that we don’t feel safe with. Another way to describe this is reinforcing the boundary. Again, the motivation here is to get safe. An example would be separating from him and not having emotionally charged conversations until there is a third party present.

The distinction between these two types of boundaries is important to be aware of.

Jason and I talk a bit about this and then pivot and talk about how boundaries are rooted in needs (and protection / safety). So in order for us to figure out what our boundaries are (referring to the latter kind of boundary, the ones where we potentially need to reinforce our boundaries in order to get safe), it’s important for us to first identify what we need.

Ultimately, when it comes to identifying what we need and setting boundaries - what we as women are looking to see is - will he protect my heart at all costs?

Thank you for joining us for this last podcast of Season #2, we are looking forward to a 3rd Season closer to August of 2021.

MasterClasses can be found here.
Boundaries Course for women - coming soon - click here for the details.
Changes That Heal is an excellent book to read if you are wanting to understand boundaries better.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason’s.
Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this episode, we talk about the purpose of sexual abstinence or sexual fasting in the recovery process. Yes, it is important for rewiring the brain (for him) but it’s also important for learning authentic intimacy. We unpack the concept (new to me!) that sexual intimacy is tangled up with all the other forms of intimacy which is part of the reason some men don’t have solid relationships with other guys. {(Blew my mind!} We go into the how, the why, and the what. We also discuss how it can be helpful for her if she isn’t feeling safe in the relationship. We end with some of the deeper issues that can bubble up while a couple is going through a sexual fast. We are so glad you are here for this tough topic! * MasterClasses can be found here. * Shelley refers to a section in the Rescued workbook on sexual abstinence - see pages 120-121; for the building blocks of intimacy, see page 118. * Our friend and colleague, Invia Betjoseph says - “sexual abstinence is like control - alt - delete on the brain" * Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. * We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! * Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason’s. * Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

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When it comes to lust, we are missing the point if we are only focusing on eyes and mind. Lust is a heart and soul matter. Men have to decide - do I want to live with integrity and honor my wife? Who is God calling me to be? Do I want to be that kind of man or not? These questions, these heart changes are where it starts. Sure, there is behavior modification (not looking, 1:1 rule) but that in and of itself is not enough. It must be connected to a deeper purpose. Jason gives 5-6 practical steps men can take to make the shift in changing how they see. * Article Shelley referred to from a study conducted at Princeton University on seeing women as objects. * Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. * We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! * Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason’s. * Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

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Regular check-ins are a foundational tool for many couples in recovery. It was for us! in this episode we talk about how to view the check-ins (hint: its not a box to check!), how to approach them and why consistency matters. We give a framework for the FITNAP check in that we use with folks and talk about how we transitioned to that from the FANIT found on page 153 in the Rescued Workbook. * MasterClasses that we offer - www.redemptiveliving.com/masterclass * Here is a link to an older video Jason did on Acting In. A tich outdated, but it gives the gist - Understanding Acting In * Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. * We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! * Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason’s. * Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this episode we talk about the difference between integrity issues and addiction. For some wives the label of “addict” can bring relief, because the issue is a quantifiable and there is a plan for help. For others, the label is a death sentence that brings hopelessness. We wanted to give folks an understanding of key characteristics of addiction and talk about why there is resistance for many men to see themselves as addicts. While this is all important, we also want to look through a different lens that takes away the labels and categories, and attempts to get to the heart of the matter - surrender. * Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. * We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! * Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason’s. * Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

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We also wanted to shine the light on all the work that he is {hopefully} doing early on in recovery. Jason goes into some of the internal work he is doing that she might not see - fighting for his integrity, fighting resignation, fighting to not adopt failure as an identity - just to name a few. We also talk about the work she will start to see - which is a byproduct of the internal work he is doing. Jason throws out the word characterological - which I question the validity of. I know better than to do this people. In Jason’s other life, he loves Jeopardy, cross word puzzles and all things word-related. * Dusting off some blog post archives - a series on empathy and humility - here is part one, part two and part three. * Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. * We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! * Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason’s. * Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

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So apparently men in Jason’s office say that they are doing a lot of the early work of recovery (not her). Not to start a fight or anything but…

We dig more into this during this episode of the pod. Truly, when both the husband and wife are engaged in recovery - they are both working really hard. We thought it would be helpful to name what she is doing early on in recovery so that he can really see how much she is working on. Grief work, getting safe, detachment, waiting well. Fighting for hope, self-control, financial sacrifices. So much.

A recent blog post on detachment.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason’s.
Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

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   We dig into the trauma model versus the addiction model and of course take some rabbit trails and talk about things like vicarious trust, codependency, trauma and the Redemptive Living way of doing things. We are so glad you are with us for season #2!  * It was this episode where Jason mentions codependency and how much he hates that word.

Click here to order Rescued.
I continue this conversation on the blog - here is the first of the blog posts on this topic.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

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So our plan was to talk about the ins and outs of detachment for this last episode of season one. But first, I wanted to start with a quick question regarding equanimity in the recovery process. Simply because I often hear of husbands saying - they want it to be equal. As Jason and I continued to dive deeper into the topic, I realized that we would need to save detachment for season two. In this episode, we unpack the reasons behind why we believe demanding equanimity from her doesn’t work. We also discuss the reasons it can be so hard for him to not see recovery through this lens of balance and equality. We also talk about what this has looked like for us - and how long Jason had to surrender equality. And I share a bit about where I am at today with moving toward Jason and my hearts desire to love him well. * Loving what Jason said during the episode - “Trust is destroyed at her expense, trust is rebuilt at his expense.” * Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. * We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.comand rlforwomen.com. * Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelleywith the subject line: Podcast.

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We’ve received some great questions during this season of the podcast. We wanted to tackle as many of these as we could and didn’t get near as many answered as we wanted to but that’s okay. There (hopefully) is always the next episode! A couple of the questions we answered - Is it possible that Jason loved me in the midst of his acting out? And is it fair for husbands to say that they didn’t mean to hurt us while they were acting out. We cover this and more!

Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com.
Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

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Sitting on secrets is incredibly detrimental in the recovery process. We (actually, Jason) shares four main reasons that men choose to sit on secrets during the recovery process. In addition, he talks through the really important recovery aspects that sitting on secrets will block (intimacy, empathy, grieving, ability to help others, and freedom). Ultimately - when a man working recovery is sitting on secrets, it will increase the chances of him acting out. But we’re not going to leave you there. We are going to walk through what it can look like to stop sitting on secrets and press into vulnerability, intimacy and movement forward! * "Are you more desperate to hide or to heal?” - quote attributed to Scott Nickell of Southlands Church and his podcast is here. * Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. * We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com. * Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this episode, I (Shelley) share how difficult it is when my story of being a betrayed wife is the first thing that people know about me. We are so much more than this part of our stories, ladies. In this episode - I share more about how the betrayal piece is just a small part of the story and give hope and encouragement to women that are feeling like it’s all consuming for them in the here and now.

Selah Summit and Mallory Morgan - you can get to know her here.“
God reached out His arm and pulled me out of the slimy pit and set my feed on solid ground” is referring to this verse.
Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.comand rlforwomen.com.
Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

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In this episode, we discuss several strategies to mitigate anxiety during the recovery process. It’s fair to say we segue into some other topics - women’s intuition, women trusting other women, support groups, who is driving the recovery bus. Let’s just say you’re going to feel like you are sitting in our living room while Jason and I are chit-chatting. So grab a warm drink and a blanket and get comfortable. We are so glad you are here! * The Restore Workshop is this weekend. More details about the workshop here. * Interested in a support group for women? You can find out more about them here. * Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelleywith the subject line: Podcast.

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Did you know there are two different types of shame? There is toxic shame, which most of us refer to and talk about these days; and then there is Biblical shame. Shame is complicated, yáll, and because of that, Jason does most of the talking here. I was just trying to keep up! Keep in mind that we must work through the toxic shame before we can work through the Biblical shame. However - Biblical shame only applies when we have done something wrong. Otherwise, we are only dealing with toxic shame. Whew. * Verse in 1 Corinthianswhere Paul says - "I say this to shame you.” * Entropē- Greek word for shame - literally means to recoil from what is vile. * David feeling the weight in his bones refers to this verse. * Interested in a support group? Find out about current openings here. * Living out our identity in Christ - we discuss this inEpisode 4. * Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelleywith the subject line: Podcast.

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Have you heard him say - “I’m sorry I hurt you. You would be better off without me.” And it doesn’t actually help? This is because comments like this are enveloped in shame and are sympathetic, but not empathetic. In this episode, Jason and I talk through what she needs to hear and how, yes, HOW he can learn to be empathetic. Get your pen and paper ready - you’re going to want to take notes!
* Video by Brene Brownon Empathy versus Sympathy * Wanting more of this? Jason teaches a MasterClass on Empathy, would love for you to join the next one! * To see the other MasterClasses being offered, click here. * Our websites - rlforwomen.com and redemptiveliving.com * You can connect with Shelley on Instagram @Shelley-Martinkus * Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

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Piggy-backing off of the last episode, there are times when there is no good answer for the questions that she might be asking. This doesn't mean that the questions aren't worthwhile. Not even close - her questions are incredibly important because it's part of how she is working through her grieving process. "I don't remember" is not a good answer. Listen in as Jason and Shelly share three practical things to help answer the unanswerable questions. We talk about empathy and Jason teaches a 5-week Empathy Master Class. You can get all the details here. Our websites - rlforwomen.com and redemptiveliving.com You can connect with Shelley on Instagram @Shelley-Martinkus Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelly with the subject line: Podcast

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Why did he do this?If you haven’t already noticed, I like to give Jason a hard time (as you will hear a couple of times throughout this episode). He’s real patient with me and just rolls with it. He’s a good guy.

In this episode, we talk about a big question that women ask - “Why? Why did you do this?!" I share a couple of reasons as to why she needs to hear the reasons from her husband, we talk about how answering this question is apart of the grieving process, and we also talk about what he can do in the here and now for the why from the past to not hold so much weight moving forward.

Shelley mentions the Restore Workshop which will be held next month virtually, then back to in-person in Spring 2021.
“Good work in the present creates a future where there won’t be as much focus on the past.” - Jason said this during the episode and I thought it was so good.
Interested in working with us or someone on our team? Find out about our services here.
Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

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We are back with a candid conversation about triggers. Have you heard of a trigger-squared? Well - it’s a real thing and we want to make sure that doesn’t happen so in this episode, we talk through some practical tips to help manage triggers in public.

Links to select blog posts on triggers: here and here
Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.
Order the Rescued workbook here, there is a chapter devoted to understanding and working through triggers

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Where is the roadmap for recovery? Is there a perfect way to go about it? Jason and Shelley unpack these questions as well as discuss what they would have done differently three months into the process and three years into the process.

“The music happens between the notes”- the actual quote is “Music is the silence between the notes” and is accredited to Claude Debussy.
Links to a select few of Shelley’s blog posts on self-care: here, hereand here.
Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

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Welcome to Redemptive Living Radio! A new podcast created for couples looking for hope as they heal from sexual betrayal in their marriages. In this first episode, we share our story, talk a bit about where we are at today and our vision for this podcast.

Visit Jason’s website at redemptiveliving.com.
Visit Shelley’s website at rlforwomen.com.
Watch a video of Jason and Shelley’s full story.
Questions for the podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

Redemptive Living Radio: Recent Episodes

Redemptive Living Radio