Tankespjärn with Helena Roth: Recent Episodes
Helena Roth
Learning how to do gentle towards yourself can be, for you, the key to loving living life. At least, that's what doing gentle did to me, Helena Roth, once I understood that it was actually an option.
Imagine having turned 30+ before ever realizing it's possible to be gentle with myself. From that moment in time, I've re-learned how to be in the world - both inside and outside of myself. Here I will be sharing the tools and tricks I've picked up along the way, hoping it will help you transform from a victim of the epidemic of harshness into a proud practitioner of doing gentle.
The wintering will continue, and season four of Meandering Conversations are put on hold. For how long, no one knows. There might be the sporadic pod episode in this feed though, perhaps me reading a few blog posts, the occasional solitary reflection or perhaps a random meandering conversation or two. Who knows.
In the meantime, if you need a dose of tankespjärn now and again, check out the backlog (in your pod feed or on YouTube), there’s plenty to revisit.
And I invite you to join me for another type of meandering conversation, in any or all of the eleven Doing Gentle With An Edge salons I will be hosting over on interintellect. All details can be found here →
The urge to write is bubbling more and more within me, and if you want to keep tabs on that, sign up for news on https://tankespjarn.com. There you can also reach out to me for a CoachTalk, which in many ways is like personal meandering conversation.
Hope to see you around – somewhere, somehow!
First published on my blog on August 18, 2020. Read the post here →
I am no longer willing to let myself be used as the scapegoat. I am no longer willing to step up when others claim that my words, my deeds, my actions, are what angers them, what upsets them or what scares them. Because in truth, it is their reaction to my words, my deeds, my actions, that angers, upsets and scares them.
This never means I get to act like a brute, avoiding responsibility for my words, deeds and actions. That’s on me.
What’s on you, is to do the same. To own your reactions.
You might well be angered or upset, even scared. But own it.
Don’t go here:
”You make me angry, upset, scared.”
Or here:
”Your words, deeds, actions, make me angry, upset, scared.”
Rather, try to find something like this place within:
”I felt angered, upset, scared by what happened within me when I came upon your words, deeds, actions.”
When both of us own our reactions, progress is possible. Connection, understanding and respect is to be had.
And I know, I cannot make you choose this. And it’s not for me to tell you what to do, or not do.
What I can do though, are two things:
I can strive to live up to this ideal, myself.
And I can be very clear with what is OK for me. To not swallow it, to not take it, should you happen to put your shit on me.
And that latter one, is where I have an opportunity to improve. To learn how to live it, to actually be someone who doesn’t take others’ shit. The outcome of that might well be that I also choose to not be with you, simply because I get to choose my company. And as peer pressure is very real and we become like those closest to us, I honor me by being very specific and particular in choosing whom I spend time with. Because that choice will impact me, making me be more –or less– of the person I want to be in the world.
And there’s nothing I want more than to surround myself with people who see and encourage the potential harbored within me, who positively challenge me to –always and already– be and become the better me.
First published on my blog on March 31, 2022. Read the post here →
Maybe violence isn’t all that bad?!
The first time I entertained that statement/question I shocked myself.
A long time ago (August of 2013) I wrote a piece entitled Violence is never the answer and I absolutely, one-hundred-percent believed it to be True. Capital T Truth. But now… No. I no longer think it is.
I am greatly influenced by Daniel Quinn and My Ishmael, where he speaks at length to this. I remember picking apples from my mother’s apple trees in the fall while listening to the audiobook. I’ve read the physical book before. I’ve listened to the audiobook before. But this time, happily picking apple after apple, I immediately ‘rewound the tape’ and re-listened to the chapter where violence is discussed in such a way that I all of a sudden saw beyond the violence, saw the reason for it, or at least a possible reason for it, in way’s I’d never before understood it.
As I worked on the transcript of my fifth conversation with Reddy, episode 49 on Tankespjärn with Helena Roth, where we spend much of the time playing (yes. Absurd as it might seem, play is the best descriptor, I think.) with violence, I heard myself say Maybe violence isn’t all that bad?!, knowing that if anyone can stomach me saying that, it’s Reddy. Which he did like a champ.
So, what about violence might not be all bad?
Well… Look at other species, and you will see more in-species fighting, and less between-species fighting. (Note, I write fighting, and not killing. Most predators hunt-to-kill other species, rather than rely on their own species for prey, but they fight with their own kind.) This has been true for humans too, for most of human life on earth. The in-species fighting has served the purpose of keeping other groups/tribes on their toes, making sure they don’t relax. (Which, incidentally, also is a way to keep the other’s as well as ourselves fit because who knows when they might return the favor?!). The concept of drawing first blood has sufficed, to a large extent, and not until the culture of Modern Man did we start to annihilate the others if they did not assimilate into our culture.
No longer settling for you are free to do what you do, as long as we are free to do what we do, the culture of Modern Man stated that you may no longer remain separate from us, rooted in your own culture and behaviours. You have to do what and how we do. Nothing else is acceptable.
The mash-up of this innate (?) trait–violence as a part of the way of nature–twisted, thwarted and manipulated by the culture of Modern Man, combined with technological advances, where you no longer have to be within arms reach to kill another person–has brought us to where we are today: A place where it’s easy, almost a given, to dehumanize the other, and where the effect of violence-at-a-distance wreaks havoc way beyond the concept of first blood.
So.
Again.
Maybe violence isn’t all that bad?!
But the violence I speak to is not the violence of today, where brutal, lethal force is applied at a distance, dehumanizing perpetrator and victim both. It’s as if we’ve turned up the volume too high on violence and need to turn it down again, to recalibrate violence to a level where it isn’t all that bad, again. Or?
First published on my blog on January 23, 2021. Read the post here →
The bottom line: Use discernment when choosing the company you keep, in all manners possible. Be it friends, books, newsfeeds or food, drink and exercise. And. So. On. It a l l impacts you, either short-, mid- or long-term.
The importance of the people I choose to spend time with, the books I choose to read, the podcasts I choose to listen to, the programs I choose to watch are as vital aspects of not simply sustaining me in all my glory, mind, body and soul alike, but to be regenerative, as the food I choose to eat, the drinks I choose to drink, the amount of movement and sleep I gift myself with.
Some of these things have an immediate effect, impacting me right off. Blood sugar levels, hydration, being moved to dance to a favorite tune or cry tears of empathy for the fate of a character in a TV-show. Knowing myself, being able to discern between what I truly need, what I want, what I crave, matters greatly, not taking all whims of mine as Truth to be adhered to, letting some slip by the roadside on account of not being in service, to me or those around me, near and far alike.
Others are more subtle, influencing me and the direction my life takes, the way my personal expansion behaves, in ways that might not be recognized in the moment. Like the slow turn of an ocean-steamer, taking miles upon miles to be effected, but in the long run causing the steamer to end up in a totally different place than if it hadn’t turned.
Like seeds sown. With a bit of water, sunshine and nourishment, of just the right kind, seeds will sprout and new growth will appear. Having a fondness for wild gardens, not too trimmed and well-kept, you might think I’d welcome any seed sprouting, any growth appearing, but alas. I do not. Some discernment exists even within my love for wild gardens.
I love trees, and yet, the oak saplings that are showing up at the edge of my garden will not be allowed to grow too big, because a fully grown oak tree in my small garden would totally dwarf everything else. It’s simply not appropriate h e r e however much I love and am fascinated by fully-grown oak trees in places where their presence is nothing but awe-inspiring.
So when choosing my company, in all manners of mind, body and soul, awareness and discernment are vital, or else something that does not serve me might sprout, grow and in time oust other plants, better suited in the wild garden that is me.
First published on my blog on November 25, 2021. Read the post here →
Riffing about an insight from the aftermath of my first divorce, where I had gotten the insight that whatever it was, it would not be accepted by my X, on the grounds of it coming from me.
It wasn’t what I said.
It wasn’t how I said it.
It was that I said it.
Or rather… it was that I said it.
When that was the case, he shut down.
Couldn’t, or wouldn’t, listen.
That was a hard lesson to learn for me.
To be so filled with ideas, feeling as if I had the fix for whatever the problem was, all the while realizing that there was nothing, bar telepathy, that I could use to share them.
It took me a few more years to internalize this in a way that I feel is beneficial and benevolent, because to start with this just gave rise to frustration and resentment. A malevolence, eating away at me, as well as towards my X.
In time though, I have come to be comfortable, at least now and again, with holding my tongue. Actually not experiencing the dire urge to blurt out whatever thought pops into my head, but to sit with it. Sometimes choosing to share. Sometimes content with keeping it on the inside, engaging in an inner dialogue with myself.
The snippet is taken from episode 30 The everyday creativity of music, coaching and meandering of Tankespjärn with Helena Roth, a podcast of meandering conversations, this one tfrom season two, with Andy Mort.
First published on my blog on January 4, 2019. Read the post here →
Headed for town, but before I took off on my bike, I packed a towel. Just in case. After recording a pod and having lunch with and at Caspian’s I decided: Yes. Today is the day for the first dip in the sea of the year.
So I rode to the pier farthest from town, the one designated for skinny dipping. Parked my bike, took a picture and started to undress. Gloves, beanie, winter coat. Shoes, jeans, long johns, woolen socks. Woolen sweater, long tee, and my woolen undershirt. Off it goes. All of it.
As I pull my sweater over my head, a door to a somewhat surreal universe cracks open.
Grabbed my towel and headed out to the pier.
Sunny, windy, 5 degrees tops. Probably the same temperature in the water.
Tie my towel to the pier to stop it from blowing away.
Waves.
Slippery staircase, hold on tight.
And in I go.
Hesitate… and I would never do it.
So I just take one step after the other, until I am up to my neck in the ocean.
Cold. Yes. Shockingly cold.
Fully manifest in that other universe. The am-I-really-doing-this-and-can-this-really-be-happening-universe.
Hyperventilate while two waves crash into me, then get out. One step after the other, until I am up on the pier again.
In the other universe, I get out, cold and wet… and all of a sudden, my skin starts tingling. The chill vanishes, the wind disappears, time seems to stop, and I am totally present to the beauty of it all.
The ocean.
The sun.
The wind.
The vastness.
And last, but not least, to myself. For doing it.
Living. Fully!
Grab my towel and rub off, while taking my time walking to the bike and my clothes.
Slowly emerging from the alternate universe, I dress, happy, pleased, not feeling any cold whatsoever.
My soul sings!
I did it.
First dip in the ocean this year, and I know this dip will be followed by many others.
Who would have known that taking a (cold) dip in the sea would let me travel to another universe?
Who would have known a dip in the sea would fill me with this most wondrous feeling?
How will you know, if you would experience something like it unless you give it a shot?
First published on my blog on September 24, 2017. Read the post here →
Listening to Jonathan Fields in conversation with his longtime friend Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project if you’ve read that book? I have. Enjoyed it. This conversation centers around The four tendencies, something which Gretchen apparently touched on in one of her earlier books, and then dove deeper into, making it the topic for her current book The four tendencies, a book I most definitely want to read after listening to this podcast.
The four tendencies centers on how we, as human beings, relate to inner and outer expectations – being prone to or resisting one or the other. The four tendencies are given names; Upholder, Obliger, Questioner, Rebel. More than 800 000 people have taken Gretchens simple online test to get a feel for ones own core tendency, and I turned out to be an Upholder. Not surprising, just from the podcast itself I felt the most connected to this tendency, and the online test confirmed it.
As I listen to the podcast (over and over again), clarity arises.
Clarity in why I am good at keeping promises to myself (such as meditating every morning and doing my daily Seven, such as promising myself to practice the guitar for twenty minutes a day for sixty days, and following through) but also towards others (meeting deadlines, keeping promises, getting the job done).
Clarity in why some people struggle with things that come naturally to me, because I can see other tendencies in them, giving me a greater understanding in what makes them tick, one way or another, which might make me become a better coach, mother, business partner and friend in the future.
Clarity as to how the assignment “to make people better at motivating others” isn’t about what works for me, but rather about the four ways there are to have people gain the most traction from their own inner driving forces. A Upholder meets both inner and outer expectations. For a Questioner understanding why is central making them meet their own inner expecations. The Obliger struggles and fails to meet inner expectations but readily meets outer ones. And at last the Rebel, resisting both outer and inner expectations, which to me sounds really tricky. I mean, what remains then? Spur of the moment, I guess?
If we all knew our own tendencies, and had sufficient knowledge about the other three, for sure that would make a huge difference in any setting we find ourselves in. At school, at work, with the closest family, with friends. Knowing my own tendency, which is actually quite rare, which means what works for me, won’t necessarily work for you. And if you and I both have some knowledge about our respective core tendencies, perhaps there is a greater opportunity for us to find common ground, to be able to stand by one another, being there for each other in ways that are truly helpful?
I am an Upholder, with leanings towards Questioner, I think. The test online doesn’t dig deep enough for me to truly distinguish the nuances in great detail; am hoping the book will. What are you?
First published on my blog on October 1, 2018. Read the post here →
Presence.
Closeness.
Finding me.
In your eyes.
Seeing and being seen.
In my yes. My no.
Lucidity is kindness, as always.
To breath; rebirthing, opening up, energies in flux. Loudly.
Body contact.
Hands caressing my body, soft as a feather.
The strength of an arm holding me close.
Letting my enjoyment be seen, heard.
Speaking out loud, my inner wish.
What I desire. Right now. With you and noone else.
To speak. Be granted my wish. Speaking another. Granted, yet again.
Daring to let go.
Daring to let me ask for, be granted, receive.
Revel.
Simply being with it. Being with.
Sensuality.
Caresses.
Not taking responsibility for anyone but me.
I. Here. For me. Not you.
You. Here for you. Not me.
In the space in between, We are created.
Multiple We’s.
Shifting. Growing. Weaved together, by laughter, eye contact, touch.
Shares. Laughs.
Truth and lies; more laughter. Frivolous and heartfelt, all at once.
That which is significant, and that which is insignificant.
Elemental massage. Like earth, fire, water, air, ether.
Heavy. Earthed. Grounded. Powerful. Well needed.
Surprised. Sweeter to receive than give, which gives me permission after the fact, for what I gave. Like a winter swim: tingling skin, awakened, alive. Blood flowing through my veins.
Rippling, sparkling. A moment of grace.
Softly, softly. Caressed by hair, by breath, by the outermost part of the fingertips. More, give me more!
Caressed by energy, by the force field generated by closeness and presence, even without physical contact. There is so much more to us, we reach far beyond our physical bodies.
The gift.
That I do. Dare. Let myself.
Give. Receive.
The exquisite thrill, heartfelt and real, far from ABC.
The amount of pleasure available to us in life, far beyond what I ever knew, dared, understood, thought myself able to.
Beginning to understand.
Bliss!
First published on my blog on June 12, 2020. Read the post here →
Betrayal occurs when those who have power see the trouble and look away. Betrayal occurs when people break promises, hedge on vows of help, protection, speaking for, standing with, withdrawing from acts of courage and acting preoccupied, indifferent, unaware, and so forth instead.
– Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run with the Wolves
I haven’t finished reading this book yet.
I thought I would be done by now because I did finish the book part of it earlier this week, but then, I peeked at the notes. And was hooked.
Imagine.
A book where the notes section – you know, with minuscule font size, page upon page, referring to something you simply cannot be bothered to flick back through the book to find… – draws you in. Where it contains almost the same amount of marginalia-worthy, dog-ear-enticing phrases and pieces of information as the book part of the book. Like this stanza.
Betrayal occurs when those who have power see the trouble and look away. Betrayal occurs when people break promises, hedge on vows of help, protection, speaking for, standing with, withdrawing from acts of courage and acting preoccupied, indifferent, unaware, and so forth instead.
Have you been betrayed?
I have.
Have you betrayed?
Looked away? Broken a promise, hedged on vows to help, stayed silent, pretending to be busy with other things?
I have.
I think there’s not a person on earth who would answer these questions differently.
And I don’t know that that is something to strive for.
But getting conscious about it.
When I betray – or even better, when I am about to. Giving me an opportunity to n o t.
Betrayal occurs when those who have power see the trouble and look away.
Daring to witness me, call me out on my own bullshit.
To n o t look away.
Not from the trouble, and not from me, trying to escape – myself?
First published on Creative Gallery in 2021. Read the post here →
Christmas?, I asked, only to hear my mom respond over the phone, without hesitation, No.
Ok, I replied, and that was that. Me and the kids, Benjamin at 16 and Alex at 21, at home for Christmas, unlike the normal Christmases, even though normal has never meant exactly the same every year. Venues have shifted, as has the number and constellation of family members. But often, Christmas has been spent at my mom’s place.
When I tell the kids, the idea that we don’t have to do, or eat, what we normally do on Christmas arises.
Said and done, we decide to cook dinner together, a non-Christmasy dinner. Benjamin asks Do we have to watch Kalle Anka? meaning the Donald Duck/Disney-one-hour collection of cartoons that’s been broadcasted on Swedish TV at three pm every Christmas Eve since 1960. I say No, but I probably will.
As the day approaches, I decide I will get the mulled (non-alcoholic) wine with peeled almonds and raisins, ginger bread and a saffron sponge cake – my mom had sent it our way a few weeks earlier, keeping vigil in the freezer until the time had come. And time had come. – ready by three pm, and that I would watch Kalle Anka, ensuring the kids they were free to do whatever they wanted.
First published on my blog on March 16, 2019. Read the post here →
Listens to Jonathan Fields on Good Life Project, interviewing Milton Glaser. Interesting and thought-provoking, as these podcasts usually are. However, one thing stood out enormously in this episode:
I’ve spent so much of my life in certainty. Ridiculously so, and only to a certain degree can I attribute this stance to youth and ignorance. I kept up that attitude for too long, to the detriment of my own well being.
I am experimenting more and more with the latter though – the doubting, the questioning, the exploration of new thought, new ideas, new ways of being and doing. And boy, does it ever make for a much more fun and exciting life! There is so much to discover in life, and that’s the road I want to travel.
But still, there are things I am certain of, I guess. But they become fewer and fewer. And I no longer believe my beliefs are permanent. It feels more like I am where I am today, believing whatever I have come to realize by this point of life, but who knows what tomorrow might bring? I sure don’t.
What are you certain about?
First published on my blog on March 27, 2020. Read the post here →
Last week as I stepped into the cold water of the ocean off the coast of Malmö in the south of Sweden, I had my phone with me. I’ve a habit to do that, now and again, as I record myself going in, staying in, sharing my experiences with cold bathing. What came out of my mouth that crisp spring afternoon, with sunshine and blue skies, as I was standing in the water, which, just like the air was around five degrees Celsius, was this: There is calm to be had.
The world has turned upside-down, for so many. A global pandemic is raging, and I fear that we’ve just seen the beginning of it. Cities, counties, countries and companies are closing down in varying degrees, and whatever was normal, no longer is.
And.
With all that going on.
There is calm to be had.
It’s easy to not experience calm right now.
I know that.
I see that.
I also know it’s equally easy to experience calm.
I know that.
I see that too.
There are many things I have no say in.
What my government is –or is not– doing. Whether or not the school my youngest attends will stay opened or not, and what will happen next, neither locally nor globally.
No. Say.
But there are many things I have a say in.
In what I choose to do with my days. How I spend them, regardless of external constraints. What I read. What I listen to. What interactions and conversations I engage in. If I seek out Drama, or not. If I stick to routines (as best I can) that serve me and my wellbeing.
If I show compassion and care. To me. And you. And us.
A. Say.
There is calm to be had.
And it matters whether or not I choose calm. Or not.
Because I matter. Just as you matter.
Can I always choose calm?
Yes. I can.
But I don’t.
Because I am human. And so are you. And that’s the way it should be.
The choice is still there though.
There is –always and already– calm to be had.
First published on my blog on July 21, 2021. Read the post here →
Intimacy.
Into-me-see.
What armor do I have on me, preventing you from seeing-into-me?
(What armor do I have, preventing me from seeing-into-myself?
Oh, that’s perhaps the more significant question?)
What are the costumes I put on, that act as protection, a shield, admitting access into me only to a certain depth, often quite shallow?
I can step into costumes such as… being a mother. A sister. A wife. Colleague, neighbor, friend.
Or costumes where I am a clown, the joker, the wall-flower. A silent observer, all-lights-on-me, the dependable one. Or the victim, perpetrator, by-stander.
Oh. So. Many. Choices.
I have quite a few costumes in my wardrobe, some more used than others.
And.
It’s not b a d to have and use costumes.
They serve a purpose, for sure. Propping me up, acting as an exoskeleton when I don’t have what it takes within me to step into a certain role. But once I’ve learned the how’s and what’s of it, what then? What might be if I then get out of my costume, trying the waters all on my own?
That’s what I wanna get to.
To a more conscious use of costumes, far from an automatic, habitual use. Where I rely less and less on them, stepping into situations and relationships as me, more fully. Thereby opening up for the depths of me to be more accessible (yes, to myself, as well as others).
What costume/s do you habitually put on?
In meandering conversation with Mayke Vullings, we speak about intimacy and costumes, coming at it from two very different standpoints. In the end though, we are in complete agreement that we want to show up in life in ways that invites intimacy, and getting out of ones costumes definitely enhances the likelihood of more intimacy. To hear more, check out episode 13 Intimacy and into-me-see from the podcast Tankespjärn with Helena Roth.
First published on my blog on October 7, 2018. Read the post here →
Defense mechanisms.
How powerful they are.
They run automatically in situations where something (what? The soul? My psyche? That which is beyond human, the greater force behind all in the universe, Mind?) triggers me. Runs to protect me. It’s like a script triggered by a series of logical if-this-then-that-sequences gets flipped into action, and bam, I am no longer consciously running the show that is my life, but rather a passive bystander, possibly bearing witness. More likely a puppet, arms, and legs flailing, a defense mechanism in full swing.
How grateful I am that they exist, as they do what they are named for. They do defend me. Once in awhile though, they are triggered by a faulty sequence, having me defending myself, when there is nothing – or no-one – to defend myself against. I can also learn to go into a specific defense mechanism because it’s come to be a habit. Serving a purpose once upon a time, but no more. Where the trigger switch is a remnant of days long gone, making me react on a faulty premise.
I like observing. Myself. Others. Individual as well as group dynamics. Sometimes it’s hard not to ache for those who’s defense mechanisms no longer defends them. Quite the opposite. The defense mechanism of old has turned into a self-inflicting wound of today, triggered, again and again.
Without the power of observation and the habit of reflection (and doing gentle, by God, doing gentle towards oneself while reflecting!) it must feel like being repeatedly stabbed by a knife. Over. And over.
This has been me. I realize. As I write.
Perhaps there’s some trace of this behavior left in me… but it’s not prevalent. It’s not something which, when I look within, I can put a finger on and say Oh yeah, that thing, yes, that happens quite often. I don’t have any of those left, at least not in the way I live my life today. Perhaps there would be if my circumstances shifted. But they haven’t. So there aren’t any big ones left, so to speak. Not in me. But I do see it in others.
And it pains me. I try to stick to empathizing, as I do not want to sympathize. I do not want to pity or belittle. I try to take care of the pains I experience myself. Not always easy when I am pained on behalf of someone else. Well worth the effort though. What helps me stay centered is the adage from Byron Katie of My business, your business, God’s business. Some things are simply not mine to deal with
First published on my blog on May 7, 2018. Read the post here →
With curiosity and a wish for more, Tess picked up on the distinction between judgment and discernment in the post on Intuitive living, and I can only agree: it is a distinction which piqued my curiosity as well.
“You may have noticed that we have never discussed forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a concept of the All. Forgiveness implies judgment. Forgiveness implies right and wrong. Your Western culture and religions have created the concepts of sin and forgiveness as a way of controlling people’s minds. Judgment was created in this way.(You must understand judgment as being different from discernment. Discernment is an important skill to develop.)There is no place for judgment. The concepts of sin and forgiveness and redemption are not concepts borne out of Love. Love is within each one of you, bestowing mercy upon you in each moment of your existence.”[As voiced by Spirit.]
Full blog post on link above.
First published on my blog on May 24, 2020. Read the post here →
Open.
To receive. To give.
Both actions require openness.
Otherwise nothing can come in; nothing can get out.
If I am not open to receiving, I am not open to giving either.
Being open is my default-state. And yet… I am not always open.
Sometimes I shut down, close up, not having enough energy to give, nor receive.
Both actions require energy.
It takes discernment and self-knowledge to know,
when it is time to shut the aperture, restricting intake as well as output.
First published on my blog on September 14, 2020. Read the post here: https://tankespjarn.com/procrastination/
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First published on my blog on January 25, 2021. Read the post here →
The bottom line: I get to experience that which I am present to, and not experience that which I am not present to, as I cannot be present to everything all at once.
I’m sitting in bed. It’s 8:24 am and I’ve just completed my regular Wim Hof breathing practice. Before that, I did a seven-minute pelvic exercise in my morning gown, standing in the kitchen awaiting the kettle coming to a boil. Just drank the by-now lukewarm cup of water, grabbing my iPad to do a bit of morning writing before getting up, for real.
Open PAGES, look at the screen.
Blank.
Raising my head, I look out the two windows facing me as I sit, propped up by pillows in my bed, and it’s snowing. Big flakes.
Surprised, I immediately put fingers to keyboard and start to write, only to look up again three minutes later… no snow.Snow flakes have given way to raindrops. Huh
Go figure.
In an instant.
There.
And then, not there.
If I hadn’t looked up.
I would have missed them, the snow flakes.
Makes me wonder.
How much do I miss?
And… kind of like the question if a tree that falls all by its own out in the forest actually makes a noise even with no one around to hear, I wonder if it actually matters? Do I miss out on things, if I do not know they exist? If I had missed out on seeing these snow flakes, not knowing that there was a brief interlude of heavy snowfall, just for a minute or two… would I really have missed out?
Doesn’t the missing-out-aspect require me to know what was, and know that I did not get to experience it?
Is knowledge a prerequisite to missing out on something or other?
Hah!
It’s now 8:33 and as I raise my head (this is what I do when I look for inspiration, my head and eyes tend to veer towards upper left), guess what?
Yeah.
Snowing.
Again.
I cannot be present to everything all at once.
I cannot be present to everything, period.
And what I am not present to I cannot experience.
What I am present to, I experience. And the better I get at being present, the deeper those experiences impact me. It’s as if I am thrown a piece of string, with each experience, a piece of string that I can then follow, outwards, beyond. To more experiences, to a wider perspective.
Snow. Rain. Snow.
Must be around freezing for that to happen, or perhaps a few degrees above. But not more. And definitely not less.
Will it cause slippery streets and pavements? Will people hurt themselves on account of this?
Might it snow enough for kids to be able to start a snow ball fight, make a snowman or even go sledding?
Will I have to shovel snow when I leave the house later today, for a walk?
Might it turn colder, affecting the five pieces of maple logs D brought this weekend, logs we intend to inoculate with mushroom mycelium? Is winter finally coming? What will we do with the logs then, how to keep them from freezing?
8:44.
Again. No snow flakes falling.
Part of a dance that might well continue if it wasn’t for the fact that I have a Zoom-meeting starting in fifteen minutes. I tear myself away from my musings, as I realize it’s high time to get out of bed to get ready.
What might I miss out on as a result?
And what might I experience?
To what am I present?
First published on my blog on January 10, 2017. Read the post here →
The feeling that I’m not enough. That no matter how hard I try, how hard I work, I will never be able to do enough, never able to do all that which I feel I should be doing. The frustration of not being able to make a difference, the difference I should make.
It’s not a feeling that I experience often anymore.
I used to. A lot. I had so many thoughts about what I should be doing, how I should be doing it, how fast it should be done and so on, infinitely. Know that feeling? Are you there? Or have been there?
I think a lot of us know that feeling. That’s what I perceive at least, looking at the world around me. Listening to friends and family, seeing their struggles with not being enough, never being enough. And I have to say… it really makes me question the way we’ve shaped society. Because I have a hard time to see how this serves anyone, let alone all of us collectively. I mean, you can argue that it makes people put their best effort to whatever it is they are involved in. But I honestly think it costs more than we get. The energy drained is more than what’s generated from those efforts, performed under stress, duress, unhappiness.
I, for one, know that when I stopped engaging so much with that type of thought/feeling, all of a sudden, I had so much more energy! The energy I used in beating myself up for not being enough, all of a sudden could be utilized for much more contructive things. I had energy to spare, to engage myself, to activate myself, to take better care of myself, to interact with the world around me in the way I want to show up in the world.
I am not enough.
It’s a thought. And perhaps, at times, it’s fact. That’s true. But I do believe, more often it’s an opinion. And as such, it’s worthwhile asking yourself How does this serve me? Asking that question might help you see the opinion for what it is, and realize that you have a choice in whether or not to engage in it, or not. Where’s your energy best spent, I ask? Beating yourself up for not being enough, or for more constructive things?
First published on my blog on August 19, 2020. Read the post here →
I turn off Spotify.
The pipes leading to the heaters gargle a bit, and a car drives by on the residential road outside. And there’s another one, farther away, on one of the larger streets a block or two away. My 16-year old son Benjamin semi-shouts Hey, hey upstairs, ensconced in his room, involved in a Valorant online-tournament with some friends, online-friends.
Car.
Another car.
And this ringing noise, slightly whining… is it but a figment of my imagination? Or perhaps, the residue of noise from just before, ruffling the sensory hairs in my ear canals, generating a high-pitched, yet more grass-rustling-in-the-wind-like noise.
I hear myself, breathing out. Breathing out again, and then, there, an even softer exhalation.
Benjamin scrapes his chair against the floor, which just so happens to be my ceiling, as he’s upstairs, and I am downstairs.
He laughs and yammers away, as I raise my head, looking out the window right in front of me, a head-movement accompanied by a crack in my neck, oops, another car on the street just outside the other window, the one to my right.
I’m sitting at the dining room table, the only table around, the kitchen too small for a kitchen table.
Look up again, another crack, but softer, more of a crick.
I inhale long, and deep, exhaling even longer.
In October of 2015, I went for a walk in the recreational park just across the street. It was a walk that etched itself deeply into my memories, as, for the first time, I s a w. I was more fully present to the beauty surrounding us, surrounding me, than I’d ever been before.
I don’t think I’ve ever experienced the beauty of fall as I am this year. And I don’t think fall has gotten more beautiful – I think the change is in me. I’ve never been so aware, never taken the time, to look, to see the colors, the contrast, the smell, the vibrancy. The energy!
Looking up once more, and yes, you know it, another crack.
It’s like an undulating wave, this paying attention and noticing. Now and again, I am at the peak of the undulation, totally present, attentive, noticing. Now and again, I am at the very bottom, lost to the world, nowhere close to the here and now. Most of the time, in movement along those undulations, headed towards attentiveness, or towards not-presenceness (a habit of mine. I make up words. Sometimes really good ones. Not sure this one qualifies though).
I started to slow down to the speed of life in 2013, perhaps even more so in 2014, and have kept on with that practice ever since. And I see now, as I sit here, that ringing tone still present within me, starting to believe it’s not within me after all, but something you might also hear, if you were here, sitting opposite me at the table, that me slowing down, simultaneously made me level up in the art of noticing and paying attention. Within, as well as without.
And I love it.
But, without a doubt, there’s a lot more attention- and noticing-powers within me, so I am upping the ante, willing myself to play around with this for the next few days (and… hopefully, forever and ever!).
First published on my blog on August 28, 2021. Read the post here: https://tankespjarn.com/convince-me/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tankespjarn/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/HERO_Respondi
Website: https://tankespjarn.com/
“The main aspect is always ‘Oh, these are people I would like to spend 10, 20 hours with!’ And I think that needs to be there because of the way the setup is.” ~ Helena
It has to be.
Otherwise I’d never make it to the end of season three, which is where we’re at right now.
Spending this long with every one of my partners in crime, if I didn’t like them, if the conversations didn’t flow, if they weren’t interesting and curious, this format would bomb. It just wouldn’t work.
Luckily.
It does.
At least for me. And my conversation partners – as each of them describe that somewhat surprised insight towards the end of the season, that we could keep going, because there’s no way to run out of stuff to talk about. It’s simply not possible, because what we are talking about is life.
Now.
I never KNOW this is what will evolve during the course of a season. I hope it will. I do my utmost not to expect it too though… and yet:
“You just said ‘the idea of hoping, but not expecting’ and where my brain immediately went was ‘Isn't that the practice of trying to be a graceful human?’ Ultimately there has to be that friction between hope and expectation. How do you have one without having the other? They feel so closely intertwined.” ~ Kate
Expectations are a favorite topic of mine, that I’ve written and talked about over and over again (and yes, it is in the book, in chapter 46!), and so it was fun to meander a bit around it with Luke, Mandell and Kate. And Caspian, hosting this group conversation just as he does them all.
And there’s real value in getting better at spotting your own expectations, not only because Mandell shared a bit of incentive from a podcast he recently listened to, where a marriage counsellor summarized it succinctly:
“People get divorced for one reason only: uncommunicated expectations. So whatever you expect, you don't get.” ~ Mandell
That does not mean we have to agree with everyone around us. On the contrary. I cannot imagine anything more boring than being in agreement with everyone in my life. Which is why it made me extra happy to hear one of Luke’s takeaways from our meanderings:
“To your point that it's kind of boring if everybody agrees on everything, yeah, I think that is what I’m taking away from this experience: more tolerance with people that I disagree with and more of a willingness to sit and hold stuff.” ~ Luke
And with that… [drum roll]: Season three is a wrap, everyone!
Season four won’t start just yet, but there will be something to listen to every week while I go into wintering, recharging my batteries, digesting all morsels of tankespjärn I’ve received during season three.
I hope you do the same, while also sticking around for a bit of extra tankespjärn-seasoning in the shorter episodes that will be published until season four is upon us.
Links:
Find Luke Aymon on Twitter
Mandell Conway you’ve find on Giving is like or LinkedIn
And Kate Inglis, is most easily found through her website
Not to mention Caspian Almerud , dear friend and pod producer
Oh, and you can now find me on Mastodon too: @helenaroth@mastodon.se
Season three is approaching the end, and we are concluding with two group-conversations (as we’ve never managed to get a date that works for all the participants of one season). Here you will meet me, Bella and Özlem, as well as Caspian, my friend and pod-producer, who will be facilitating the episode, to make sure we stay somewhat on topic.
Which might seem odd… What, a topic? And there is a topic to this episode (and the next), or at least there’s something that acts as an anchor, as I do want these topics to be a meta-conversation of sorts, about having taken part in these five meandering conversations.
But just somewhat…
Cuz, you know… it IS a podcast of meandering conversations, and there’s just no way that aspect of it, that what want’s to happen-energy, would ever be anything but greatly welcome.
“These are meandering conversations. There isn't a topic, there isn't a specific purpose. The goal is to see where we are. And at first, that felt slightly disorienting. Later on I really, truly enjoyed the freedom that gave as well. I always enjoy deep conversations with friends, so this was, for me, an opportunity to dive deeply and quickly and bounce thoughts off of each other in a way that made us both think. And I love that. It's, to me, that's an essence of a wonderful connection.” ~ Bella
Another essence of wonderful connection was voiced by Özlem:
‘You're one of the few people [participating in the leadership training where we met] that I thought about going out and having a beer with, and I don't even drink beer,’ Özlem said, only to have Helena laughingly retort ‘I don't drink beer either, so that would be really fun.’
It’s been an absolute treat to dance with Bella and Özlem during season three, and I know I will continue to dance with them both. Because it impacts who and how I am, which in turn impacts what I do.
“The beauty of how dancing with another person changes your own dance is fascinating. It’s the same as with meandering conversations. How did we start at A and got to Z and what route did we take? With room for both of us to stir the conversation.
Today there was room for all four of us to stir it, and it was so much fun to see where we meandered, and I think that's the biggest value of what you have created here.”
~ Bella
So.
Another episode, containing tankespjärn, as always.
Do join us for this meandering conversation!
Links:
Find Özlem Tan on LinkedIn
And here’s Bella (and some more of her music)
Not to mention Caspian Almerud , dear friend and pod producer
Slowing down to the speed of life by Richard Carlson
Esther Perel
Episode 62. Parenting: the reactions of the parent | with Özlem Tan
Join the Tankespjärn-community over on Patreon
Fifth and final conversation of the third season.
Wrapping it up by having two group conversations (trying to get seven people to settle on one date with commitments and other engagements as well as time zones to juggle is a bit like trying to herd cat’s. Not the easiest. Hence: two conversations!), but still… a door closes.
And another opens?
Or ‘!’?
(Yes. Another opens!)
A Bella-and-me-conversation wouldn’t be a Bella-and-me-conversation unless discernment was part of it. True for this one too. As Bella is in a state of flux, she’s…
“… trying to establish positive rituals for myself, that feel like they feed me. Trying to do so neither at my expense, nor at the expense of those around me. Navigating how to do it in a way that it doesn't convey conflict, but rather conveys collaboration, which I find challenging sometimes.” ~ Bella
Which, of course, had us off to the races.
Habits. Mindful, or mindless? Might we need a mix of both?
“Sometimes I need a little bit of mindless habit too. Because everything in my work is about assessing the moment, appreciating what is there, what potential is there, what limitations are there, both mine and the other persons. And it's really an intense being-present kind of thing.” ~ Bella
How do habits relate to rituals and traditions? Or ceremonies?
Are they filled with life-force? Or does life-force arise because we do them?
Are they mine? What do they give me? What do I give them? Why do I do them? And how?
“Being the container.
Not being contained by others, by conditioning, by should’s and societal norms and whatnot. Not being contained but being a container for myself. A container for what is there, which is another way of asserting freestanding Yes and Noes.
When I'm the container, I'm the one who says Yes or No. Based on my discernment right now, what's valid, what's relevant, what's emotionally appropriate? How's my heart right now? What am I containing? How am I doing that thing? How much can I take? What can I harbor today and what can't I harbor today?” ~ Helena
As always, a meandering conversation, gentle and soft, and still filled with tankespjärn. What a lovely combination that is! It’s like a delicious meal, one where many opposites are present. Sweetness as well as salt. Smooth textures, and crunchy ones. A bit of heat, tempered by a rich umami taste.
The table is set, so I invite you to dig in!
Links:
Bella (and some more of her music)
- Conversations that help me be more me | with Luke Aymon
Twilight retreat with@wildherbarista and@whentheblackbirdsings_
Yuval Noah Harari, author of Sapiens
In a conversation around inner light as well as darkness, it’s so easy to substitute light and dark for good/bad, or positive/negative. And I have. For the longest time. But I am reclaiming my darkness, waking my inner bitch up; wanting, needing, a bit less of the goodie-two-shoes facet of myself, and a bit more edge, more anger, more holy wrath.
‘Nobody is all good. Nobody is all bad. We are a mix. The yin and the yang is present in all of us. So how do I use that [mix of lightness and darkness] in such a way that I'm not an absolute and complete total dickhead?’ ~ Helena
And even though I truly feel the need to allow my inner darkness more room, more space, more freedom, still, there’s a fear of becoming that dickhead, and that, I know I don’t want to be.
– Helena, I don't think you have it in you to be a dickhead.
– Oh, you're wrong, Özlem. I definitely have it in me to be a dickhead!
– It would be so interesting to see that side of you…
– Yeah, well, I'm not sure I will go so far as to let my inner dickhead out, in public…
I know I can be a dickhead. And I wonder… are there any individuals alive who don’t? Perhaps… very young children don’t? But then again, perhaps the dickhead-aspect relies on cognition? Or maybe not…
Hm. So many thoughts, questions popping, with responses arising within me that don’t feel complete. What a treat! It tells me I am on to something unfinished, where I’m not yet ‘fixed’. I haven’t settled, made up my mind, come to any definitive conclusion. And I like that!
‘I think you need a little bit darkness to understand things, underlying motivators and the reasoning behind. Like in fairy tales, where you always have the darkness against the lightness. But I think you onto something: How can you make them coexist and help rather than fight each other?’ ~ Özlem
Özlem and me kept dancing around light and dark, doing and being, and how we show up in the world in this our fifth and final conversation, but we’ve yet to actually get that impro-thing going, so who knows, perhaps there will be a surprise sometimes in the future?
This, and much more tankespjärn, is yours for the taking, if you press PLAY.
Links:
Find Özlem Tan on LinkedIn
Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter
The problem is never the problem, the problem is always your thinking about the problem
The event horizon – a perspective on sleepless nights
Me and Luke in conversation about doing/being
Game of Thrones, reflections from my first binge
China’s Mosuo tribe – last matriarchy?
Are we igned to be sexual omnivores? A TED Talk from 2013
Pia Sundhage, ‘we make each other good’
Per Axbom on leaving algorithm-based social media
Connecting dots with Luke in this our fifth conversation (not to worry, Özlem number five will be published, once it’s recorded…). Dots coming from all places. A recent work assignment. Therapy sessions with Dominic. The book circle I’m running on Women Who Run With the Wolves. Episode 75 where me and Kate spoke about where getting a slight buzz helps us get out of our heads…
And those were just my dots. Luke had his too. A conversation with his sister. The tarot reading he spoke about in episode 73. His experiences with cancer, and how it differs from when he first got diagnosed with a chronic disease years ago.
The value of these conversations, for us both, is apparent. And voiced. (And it’s my hope and wish that there’s value in them for you too. In whatever way that value is shaped for you, I hope it’s there.) I actually think this type of conversation helps me… be. Helps me become. Helps me be more human, more me.
[…] to accept one’s beauty… the shape of one's soul and the fact that living close to that wild creature transforms us and all that it touches. When we accept our own wild beauty, it is put into perspective, and we are no longer poignantly aware of it anymore, but neither would we forsake it or disclaim it either. Does a wolf know how beautiful she is when she leaps? Does a feline know what beautiful shapes she makes when she sits? Is a bird awed by the sound it hears when it snaps open its wings? Learning from them, we just act in our own true way and do not draw back from or hide our natural beauty. Like the creatures, we just are. And it is right. ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estés, (chapter 6) Women Who Run With the Wolves
Tankespjärn.
Yes.
Plenty of it.
But as this conversation proves, it doesn’t need to be hard and super-challenging.
It can be fun. Come in so many different shapes and colors and flavors.
Luke provides his very own, very special flavor. To me. Perhaps he comes across totally differently to you! Give us a listen to find out.
Links:
Find Luke Aymon on Twitter
- Dance like there’s no one watching | with Kate Inglis
Doing Gentle with an Edge, e/audiobook by Helena Roth
Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter
Mark Nepo and The Book of Awakening
Come as you are by Emily Nagoski
How to make it in the new music business by Ari Herstand
Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
- A modern band of brothers | with Mandell
Find and engage with Helena on Twitter @HERO_Respondi
The bittersweetness of closing season three with the fifth conversation with each and every one of my meandering conversation-partners is matched by the seasonal shift that’s upon me – fall is coming. There’s still vegetables and fruit to harvest, the warmth from sunshine makes me toss my jacket aside, and trees are only just starting to change color and let go of their leaves…
All of which is part of the similarity, it’s in the letting go. That just so happens to be part of one of my favorite expressions: Let go, to let come.
I cannot find new people to meander with, if I didn’t let go (of recording conversations) of these five, in the same way I had to at the end of season two, and the end of season one.
“A lot of what I see is how we intellectualize things. We say, ‘how are you?’ and you go ‘I'm fine’. Even when you actually are not fine…
Am I fine? How's my body right now? What's my state of mind? Is there any aches? Is there any tingling, any bubbles? Is there anything that wants to move? There's so much more to find out both physically and emotionally about where I am, how I am.”
~ Helena
And this is just such a place, where I am fine, absolutely, but at the same time…
A bit sad. A touch of excitement for what’s to come, mingled with a slight sense of exhaustion. Should I consider taking a short break before starting season four? Or record a handful of episodes where I read my own blog posts, similar to the style of the first one hundred episodes of the pod?
As you can see, it’s possible to go deep and wide when asked How are you? regardless if the one asking is someone else or yourself. But there’s more goodies in this episode:
“One of Mark Stewart’s [coach in the altMBA] favorite questions to ask people is ‘How is your heart today?’ So he doesn't say ‘How are you doing?’ He says ‘How's your heart today?’ And every single time everyone's like ‘Huh!’ because it makes you go inside, and ask yourself ‘How is my heart today?”. ~ Mandell
How is my heart today?
I answered that question yesterday in my kernel journal. (A bit tender, that’s the state of my heart right now.) That question is a keeper for me. Perhaps for you too? Or maybe there will be some other tidbit in this episode that will be tankespjärn to last you a day, or week, or… a lifetime?
Links:
Find Mandell Conway through his website Giving is like or on LinkedIn
Kaninängen, communal gardening project
Svinnbruket, ‘grown-up dumpstering project’
Muhammad Yunus of Grameen Bank
Barefoot College and grandmother’s learning solar power
Rescued Fruits AB
Hard to believe that me and Kate have had our fifth and final conversation [well. For this season of the pod, not forever. We will continue to have conversations, I guarantee it. But perhaps not as often. Perhaps not as long. And not recorded for a pod.]. And what a conversation we had!
“I don't want to be stone cold sober for the rest of my life, so I'm on a bit of an exploration, like Huey Lewis and the News, to find my new drug.” ~ Kate
We ventured into territory neither of us had on our radar, which is part of the magic and beauty of these meandering conversations. A testament to the wonder of allowing what want’s to happen to happen.
“What's going to be my altered state? How am I going to manage it so that I feel okay, how do I lose just enough control, just a little, so that I can play in that space of being more free than I feel in my brain?” ~ Kate
Oh, how this resonates with me! I’ve been harping on about the mental vice, which might not be the correct term for it, unless you watch me as I speak of it, taking a firm grip of the top of my head with both hands, holding tight, very tight. Like a band of metal keeping me/my brain tightly in check, under control, not able to venture out into the unknown…
“Music provides an alibi where I am allowed, by my brain, by that mental vice keeping me very tightly controlled, to let go. If there’s music, no problem, I'll dance and sing on the streets, on the bike and the bus, on the train. I'll go up on the dance floor without a care if there's nobody there, dancing and singing and loving it.
Theatre, acting, role-playing, that type of thing, all of a sudden, no alibi in place, so there my mental vice is very tightly screwed on.” ~ Helena
Except when there’s music around.
Music provides the alibi I need, to let loose, let go, relax, and dance like no one is watching, which my friend and one-time-coach Dave shared on Facebook just as I was getting ready to write this episode description:
“dance like there’s no one watching…”
Especially if ‘the watcher’ is you..
Yes. The watcher is me.
A part of me.
A part that is watching, and judging, other parts of me.
Sometimes, the watcher just laughs, and says carry on. Other times…
“If it was me and a partner and I wanted to do the sexy striptease dance? Holy fuck, no! Music would not be enough of an alibi there. It’s that audience aspect: here's the one person I do not want to think ‘She’s just dumb, ugly, silly. What the fuck is she doing? Does she really think that would turn me on?’.
Boom, self-consciousness hits me hard!” ~ Helena
My watcher has different quirks and pet-peeves compared to Kate’s, as we discovered throughout this conversation. But we share the experience, the feeling of not having the bandwidth, for one reason or another, of being generous in our self-consciousness.
“How generous people are when they are unselfconscious. When we're not focused on the self, that's when we're able to be generous. And that applies all the time.” ~ Kate
Such a rich conversation, filled with tankespjärn. For us, and also for you, precisely because we were able to be generous!
I enjoy wise words, collect quotes or longer paragraphs from books I read, videos I watch (I’ve been tweeting single sentence words of wisdom from whatever I am currently watching. During the summer it was Downton Abbey, right now it’s Game of Thrones…), podcasts I listen to etc. I’ve got little words of wisdom saved in many places (…and you don’t need to tell me I should stick to one single system. I don’t. So there.), my kernel journal, my mind, in Evernote, in a spreadsheet with a tab/book, unless if it’s a book I own where I read with pen in hand, making marginalia and sometimes even dog-earing the page to be able to reference it at a later time.
Few actually get lodged in my mind, but now and again, I surprise myself:
“It’s not what you preach, it’s what you tolerate.” ~ Jocko Willink
When I read that quote it hit me hard. Somehow, it points to walking my talk from another angle. I can viscerally feel the slippery slope of how what I tolerate can lead me further and further away from my beliefs, from what I ‘preach’.
And when that happens, my inner should:ers have a field-day (which me and Luke also touched upon)!
‘The Saboteur berates you, tells you what is not good, and says ‘You should do better’. The Sage celebrates what is good and joyfully wonders how you could do even better.’ ~ Shirzad Chamine
I’m pretty sure you also have inner should:ers (or Saboteurs, the term used by Shirzad of Positive Intelligence), and I wonder if you’ve entered into conversation with them in any way? In therapy with Dominic he suggested that I…
“[…] enter into conversation with your should:ers. Maybe you can do dominant/nondominant hand-writing and ask ‘Hey, you Should:er, if you knew all of this, why didn't you tell me before?’
Usually when you do that, they get quite uncomfortable because they don't want to be caught out. If you do enter into a conversation with them, how can you make a deal that if they see something beforehand, why not tell you so that their foresight can be of service to you?
They're quite useful allies to have, the Should:ers.” ~ Helena
I deliberately say Should:ers, because I have many, not just one. Two of them seems to be present in Bella as well, as I can definitely relate to this:
“The [inner] one that shushes yourself up is risky because you lose yourself.
The [inner] one that speaks up is risky as sometimes you lose the other because of it.” ~ Bella
I venture a guess that there’s plenty more tankespjärn to be had, once you tag along for a listen.
Links:
Bella (and some more of her music)
Jocko Willink author of the book Extreme Ownership and host of the Jocko podcast
Helena on Twitter
Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter
Ask-culture vs guess-culture
- Discernment is flexible and judgment is rigid | with Bella
I enjoy having meandering conversations. Period. Give me a soul willing and eager to partake in such an explorative undertaking and I am happy. But there’s something special in having this type of conversation with someone much younger than me, and Luke is just that.
“I think everything can be a portal, a prompt, a door that might open, a seed. There's a signal in everything. Question is, do I want to pick up on it? Do I have the energy to pick up on it? Do I feel any ‘No, that signal doesn't really work right now’, or ‘I don't like the vibes of that one’?” ~ Helena
And I don’t mean to shine a light on the age difference itself, really, but, it does provide extra spice somehow. It adds an edge, in the way that any other type of difference will… and yet, part of the edge of this particular difference, is how there are so many similarities between us, despite me being twice the age of Luke. Perhaps, it’s just another type, or flavour, of signal, for me?
Me and Luke, we dance a lot in this conversation, right on the heels of me and Özlem, who definitely did the same (danced a lot, I mean) in episode 72. Stuck behind a microphone half a globe apart from each other, dance? Together? Really?
“I can intellectually understand something, but to fully integrate and experientially understand it, takes some time.” ~ Luke
Yeah.
It’s possible. Even under these circumstances.
And a lot of fun too!
Just make sure you don’t fall in the very common trap that Luke pinpointed halfway through our conversation.
Oh, I should definitely dance more!
Oh, I wish I would feel comfortable on the dance floor!
Oh, if only I could dance as well as she can!
“It's very easy to should/would/could yourself.” ~ Luke
It is.
And however much I wish it weren’t so, it still is.
But I do have a choice. And so do you.
So, take that piece of tankespjärn and ponder: when do you should/would/could yourself? What would be another way of being, in those moments? Might the walking barefoot, dancing or going with the flow, be ways of shifting from the shoulding/coulding/woulding, into something else?
Links:
Find Luke Aymon onTwitter
Do you dance? I asked Özlem, only to have him ask how I defined dance. I didn’t give him an answer, because for me, dancing is so much more than ‘dancing’… (ok, bear with me for just a while longer:)
“I had a coach who used to say ‘Dance with whatever comes knocking on the door’.
Ever since, I've been using dance as a metaphor, as an inspiration, as an intention. How do I want to show up in life? Well, dancing! There is the rhythm, there is the going with the flow of things. There is the following and the lead, or that I'm totally doing this on my own.
And if I'm dancing with somebody and they do something surprising, what do I do? Do I get offended and say ‘No, you're not supposed to do that’. Or do I go ‘Oh my God, what are you doing? This is so much fun!’.
Dancing. A metaphor for life.” ~ Helena
If you’ve listened to me and Özlem before, you know we’re on the hunt for an improv-class, but in this episode, I invite Özlem (and his wife) to tag along to a lindy hop-beginners taster, because there are many similarities (in my mind) in how you dance lindy hop and how you do improvisational theatre.
As our conversation progressed, I fretted a wee bit whether or not I should – could – would – dared – to share a story from a recent party I attended, where I danced with life in a way I’ve not done before.
How? Well:
“[Reading a piece of erotica I’ve written, at a party,] is part of me dancing with life. It is part of me owning that side of me, the side of me that has lust –the side of me that is sensual and that wants the sensual– in a way that I haven't before.” ~ Helena
I didn’t read the actual piece, during our meandering conversation (perhaps I should record it?), but as always, I am surprised at where our meanders takes us. I mean, I did not plan on sharing this story, for sure. But… it just seemed right, and it invited us into a continued meandering down a very sensual path, so… if you feel like some sensual tankespjärn, I invite you to dance with us!
Links:
Find Özlem Tan on LinkedIn
Tisdagsgruppen with Malmö Impro
HepTown and Cats’ Corner, two organisations providing opportunities to dance Lindy hop/Swing in and around the Malmö-area in Skåne
Dans på stranden (dancing at the beach)
Some Lindy-inspiration
Doing Gentle with an Edge, e/audiobook by Helena Roth
Twilight retreat with @wildherbarista and @whentheblackbirdsings_
Wildhaga Sanctuary/Fiskabäck Österlen
Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter
Danae Mercer on Instagram
Kamratposten
Parable of the sower by Octavia E Butler
The quote from Parable of the sower from the Tankespjärn Instagram
It fascinates me how me and Mandell cannot speak without dropping at least a douzen book titles/recommendations or so. This episode is not different in that regards, but before we went all booking, I shared a story of the adventures of Pop the cat, who was definitely cheating on me during the summer, while on vacation in Vejbystrand where my mom lives.
(Can a cat cheat on his owner? Well. Yeah. Listen and find out how!)
The type of pets that are common to an area, and how those pets are tended/kept, shifts. There’s a cultural aspect to this, in much the same way that cooking provides a lens into a culture. Turns out, Mandell always tries to get to a cooking class while travelling, even though he also says Cooking is not my thing. Well, you could have fooled me…
“For some reason a cooking class gives me an advantage on the culture. You learn so much from the food and I especially I love the cooking classes where they bring you to the market and show you how they shop.” ~ Mandell
Then our conversation came upon a shift.
From the short arc of time (a human life span; cats and dogs, travelling and cooking classes) to the long ones. The really long arcs.
“The aspect of the long arcs is one of my favourite things. A human life is a really small arc of time. It's like nothing, but the long arcs of time… what was it like a thousand years ago, 10,000 years ago, a hundred thousand years ago? When you look at the long arc of time, what happens? What shifts? Opening up to the fact that a human lifespan is a very short, very brief moment in time, and what am I doing with that? Am I influencing the long [ongoing] arc? How am I influencing it? Can I influence it?” ~ Helena
And boom. There we went, down a deep rabbit hole, asking questions, challenging ourselves, providing tankespjärn for ourselves, as well as, hopefully, for you, dear listener.
Links:
Find Mandell Conway through his websiteGiving is like or onLinkedIn
Pop the cat can be found on Instagram
All Reddy-conversations from season two (on Spotify)
The AKIMBO workshops, all but altMBA running for the last time in the fall of 2022
The signature of all things, a book by Elizabeth Gilbert
Range - WHY GENERALISTS TRIUMPH IN A SPECIALIZED WORLD by David Epstein
Big Magic, also by Elizabeth Gilbert
A failure of curiosity is what it is, Kate said towards the end of our fourth conversation… and what she’s not pointing to is us, as I am sure there’s never been a Tankespjärn-episode with as many questions, ever.
Questions on curating life:
“I curate my life. It's on me to make.
What do I want my life to be? How do I want it to be, where do I want it to be, and with whom do I want it to be? How can I set it up in such a way? Do I dare dream? And what are those dreams? Am I making inroads on some of those dreams?” ~ Helena
In life, friendships play an important part. So, there are questions on friendship:
“What is a friend? What am I looking for from a friend? What do I require from a friend versus what do I enjoy from a friend? And what kind of food do I need? What nourishment do I need from friendship? Because I'm feeling like it's changed.” ~ Kate
And to curate my life, becoming conscious about ‘the system that is me’, body and mind alike, is a factor. So yeah, questions about that too:
“How little we are trained to consciously sense into: Where am I right now? What does my body need right now? What's my state? We don't do that.” ~ Helena
Now… I profess, I do love questions. And yet, all questions aren’t necessarily of service all the time. How they are worded and asked, the energy of them, as well as current circumstances, including my state of mind, all impact and influence the level of service I might, or might not, gain from a question asked.
But to a large part, I still say that if you are curiously exploring life with the help of openly asked questions, chances are you live a life filled with life, and don’t run the risk of suffering from a failure of curiosity.
…and I promise, there’s even more questions in the episode, so press play and tag along for even more tankespjärn.
Links:
Kate Inglis, most easily found through herwebsite
Twilight retreat with@wildherbarista and@whentheblackbirdsings_
Me and Özlem on anarchy in episode 62 andon improv in episode 67
Ishmael and two more books by Daniel Quinn
Jocko Willink author of the book Extreme Ownership and host of the Jocko podcast
Picking up on the thread from our last conversation, Bella asks me about the quotation I’d just handed in back then… which has us go down an interesting route of how to face rejection. I am better at facing professional rejections, like getting a No on a quotation, or, for that matter, not really getting any response at all. Personally, I would likely have a harder time, and yet… all of it is based on context. (Again. Context is queen, for sure!)
“Yes lives in the land of no, which has me curiously approaching no’s.” ~ Helena
Yes lives in the land of no, is a statement I’ve heard Steve Chander say over and over again, and it’s really helped me.
“One of the ways I've been playing with No’s [mostly professionally] is by asking people questions and clearly stating that I welcome any clear response.
Give me a Yes, and I'll be thrilled. Give me a No, and I'll be thrilled.” ~ Helena
I’ve been using it more deliberately in professional settings though, and as I sit here typing this episode description, I realize that’s been a safer playground of sorts for me, and it’s time to play more with yeses and no’s personally/privately as well.
“That is why I like these conversations because sometimes you just formulate it when you talk to a friend.” ~ Bella
This is one reason why being in conversation with Bella is helpful to me. And to her.
I hope it is to you too?! That you are a part of this (these) meandering conversation(s) amongst friends, which now and again have you formulate something out loud that suddenly bring about clarity, an insight, or for that matter, a piece of tankespjärn to chew on for a bit.
Links:
Bella (and some more of her music)
- Discernment is flexible and judgment is rigid | with Bella
Steve Chandler
Esther Perel on eroticism
Doing Gentle with an Edge, e- and audiobook authored by Helena Roth
Twilight retreat with @wildherbarista and @whentheblackbirdsings_
Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
Michael Pollans books
Hur kan vi? – a Swedish pod
Anni Pohto everywoman (Selfies version)
AKIMBO workshops
“I am responsible for me and my actions.
You are responsible for you and your actions.” ~ Helena
What would it be like if there was more of this in the world?
No more You make me [fill in the blank]… (Or less of it, at least.)
More I get [fill in the blank] when… instead.
Where [fill in the blank] might be angry, happy, sad, upset, elated, excited, triggered.
The latter provides a space for my beloved mellanrum, i.e. Swedish for ‘the space in between’. The room to pause, sense into, act rather than react.
There’s a next level available too, where There is [fill in the blank] when… becomes possible. Giving even more room to disengage, or, perhaps more an opportunity to not identify so strongly to whatever wants to happen in the moment. To let there be Anger. Happiness. Sadness or Upset. Elation, Excitement, Triggering. Desire, Chock or Fear.
“All emotions are players on a stage, and a story without a villain is kind of a boring story, isn't it? And if it's all villains, it's not fun either.” ~ Luke
All of them welcome. All of them valid. In the appropriate context, and it’s all about context! If emotions weren’t vilified, or ridiculed, belittled, or even worse, shamed, would it be easier to dance with them then? Would it be easier to take responsibility for my experience, and honor my boundaries with greater ease if I simultaneously own what I feel while not identifying as what I feel?
“Who do I want to be? What's the culture, what's the quality of the engagement and the connection? What do I want to foster? What do I want to see more of in the world?
Yes! Be that thing.” ~ Helena
Who do you want to be?
Luke echoed me after my rant, repeating the question back to me… and reflecting on this our third conversation, the difference between Being and Doing makes itself known to me. ‘Who do you want to be?’ is the question,not ‘What do you want to do?’.
Perhaps that tankespjärn can be your companion for the day? Or maybe you’ll find another one, while listening!
Links:
Find Luke Aymon on Twitter
Spökguiden with Jacques Schultze
First episode with Luke where we spoke about gaming
Ain’t it awful, from Eric Berne’s book ‘Games people play’
Buddhas by the Roadside
Deep Dive with Eyal Shay, podcast episode with Rachel Clifton
Tankespjärn on Patreon – join us for equally rich conversations on a monthly basis
In our third conversation Özlem helped me see something about myself that I’ve never noticed before. I’ve always thought the common thread to everything I’ve done in life, at least from a professional standpoint, has been about change and improvement. I’ve called myself an Agent of Change for many years by now because of that belief.
But Özlem made me see that it’s not the change/improvement itself that’s the attraction for me, that’s not the pull. It’s the people. The connections. The human-to-human interaction that – YES! – gets to be of higher quality when the systems around are conducive for it, when they work as well as can be (and they can always, always (!) be improved).
A lot of this conversation centres on this. On human connection. On finding a path… or perhaps, simply finding the next step, and preferably, it’s one that thrills you:
‘We just need this:
What thrills you now?
What do you wanna learn right now?
What would entice you right now?
What tickles?
Ooh, I wanna go there!’
~ Helena
Do you commute to work? Perhaps have a car for it? When did you last buy new tires for it? Ever change oil, pump the tires, give it a wash now and again? Perhaps you’ve even upgraded your car now and again, gotten a better one?
Now, imagine you are the car. When did you last get yourself a new set of tires? Get a thorough wash, and checked the oil? Do you treat yourself as well as your car? Make sure you have what you need in order to operate as good as you can?
What would this look like for you, personally?
Oh. So many questions! And I could come up with many more. But I won’t. I’ll leave you to join me and Özlem, talking about personal development, finding your own path, as well as starling murmurations, the most beautiful note ever played (by a cello) and much more. Plenty of tankespjärn as always!
Links:
Find Özlem Tan on LinkedIn
Information about Helena’s services, such as coaching
Malmö improv meet up-groups: Malmö Improvisatorium and Improv – The Improvisational Theater
The Suzuki Method
Learning – ‘the first twenty hours’
Fac ut portem Christi mortem, from Stabat Mater by Jens Bragdell Eriksson
Starling murmurations
skolvåren (Swedish website)
The Tankespjärn-community – please join if these conversations entice you!
The monthly meet-up on CELEBRATION
Mandell has some serious friendships going on, let me tell you. His story blasted my preconceived notions right out of the water, and I absolutely love it when that happens! You see… I have it in my mind that men are ‘worse at friendships’ than women.
Laying down flat on my back, showing you my exposed neck, coming clean as a person with prejudices…
I KNOW RIGHT?!
What a horrible person I am.
Or? Maybe just honest.
(At least I know this about myself.)
Anyway, what blew me out of the water, was to hear Mandell’s story of his brotherhood of 15+ men, who’ve stuck together (at least) since high school, which in my estimate means somewhere between fifteen and twenty years (arghhh, am I putting my foot in it now Mandell? Again?!).
And no no no – not a yearly get-together or anything like that. Intense connection, with a running daily chat-thread going AND meet-up’s, more casual, as well as all-hands-on-deck for bachelor parties, weddings, baby showers and the like.
“Through the years we have incredible history together.
The places we've traveled, the things we've done. We've spent many, many hours, literally just sitting on the steps of one of my friends' houses. And that was the highlight of the day because we were doing it together, hanging out and laughing. So it's a unique relationship for sure.” ~ Mandell
It absolutely thrills me to hear this, and to experience their shared love for each other, because it’s apparent when he shares their story.
We didn’t start with the brotherhood coming together in Colombia though. We got there via my fiftieth birthday celebrations, because they have been (and will continue to be – and if that intrigues you, give us a listen and all shall be revealed!) equally good representations of friendships and coming together.
“Life is better together.” ~ Helena
Perhaps there’s some tankespjärn for you there. In your friendships, your relationships? How do you give them the energy they need to ensure you live as rich a life as you wasn’t to?
Links:
Find Mandell Conway through his website Giving is like or on LinkedIn
David Grundelius, previous owner of my guitar
Buddhas by the Roadside
Fink different at Do Lectures with Graham Fink
Range - WHY GENERALISTS TRIUMPH IN A SPECIALIZED WORLD by David Epstein
The Master and His Emissary by Iain McGilchrist
Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter
Simone Seol on marketing
Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
Words of memory for my paternal grandmother (in Swedish)
Does a mastermind-group on ‘The Inner Ethics Committee on Marketing’ sound interesting to you? Contact me here!
Season three, round three of meandering conversations means we’re at the midway point, and somehow it always catches me by surprise.
As always, me and Kate meander quite significantly, and if you’ve been counting Kate-rants, there’s a couple in this episode too. Her rants don’t really feel like rants to me though, they are more musings that are allowed to meander and take form. Like her sharing the story of celebrating Canada Day on July 1st, prompting her to the following question:
‘**What is the notion of a nation? What's it for? What is this container’s purpose?
In my vision, it's a container that helps us test ideas about how best to live.**’ ~ Kate
Questions matter.
They carry weight. Can have a huge impact. On individuals, groups, countries and even on a global scale.
We speak about this.
About the time I was told by a teacher that I was not allowed to ask the question #WhySchool, because, in her view, schools are inevitable. Me questioning what she deemed inevitable, obviously shook her quite significantly. Not surprisingly, I disagreed with her. Schools aren’t inevitable, they are a human construct. Learning though, is inevitable. It comes with the territory of being human (which is a way to narrow framing as well. Does it comes with being alive? All animals learn as well, don’t they? Do plants? Fungi? Microbes?).
About how just asking someone to tell you more about a belief of theirs can be met with the same response as the teacher I encountered.
How we are demonizing answers to certain questions, for sure, but even worse–and this scares me–we’re demonizing the asking of the question in the first place. And that’s not a road I want us–culturally, together–to venture further down on.
‘How can I share what I know, what I see, what I experience, what I fear, what I'm concerned about in such a way that you can have a better chance at receiving it?’ ~ Helena
Which brings us to the ability to have sticky conversations. Those that are preferably had in person, face-to-face, in the flesh. The one’s where I am not even sure that I know my own stance, and thus perhaps shy away from even more. Even though what’s needed, from where I stand, is more of them. About what’s important to me, to us. How we are to live together. What we do when there’s strife and angst and disagreement and perhaps even aggression.
Sticky!
And important.
Join me and Kate as we meander past a number of sticky topics, with curiosity, openness, and quite a bit of playfulness thrown in too. I think that helps, especially when encountering a hard-to-swallow piece of tankespjärn or two.
Links:
Kate Inglis is most easily found through her website
Canada day
Follow Pop the cat on Instagram, sleeping atop my knitting
The Tragically Hip and Ahead by a century, featuring Gord Downie
skolvåren (i.e. ‘school spring’)
Rage becomes her: The power of women’s anger by Soraya Chemaly
Notes for the everlost by Kate Inglis
Jocko Willink author of the book Extreme Ownership and host of the Jocko podcast
Bella has a knack of asking poignant questions that open a wide expanse in front of me, or us, and off we go. Down deep, continuing on the theme from our last conversation.
During this our second (recorded) conversation it became clear to me how I’ve come to a place where it’s much easier for me to stand my ground, feel centered and secure, in my skills, my experience, my abilities, in professional settings, and how on a personal level, I’m experiencing something quite different.
‘I know how to express my professional needs.
Personally, it's like there's a gigantic slab of concrete on top of my needs. They can't even get up because they're stuck underneath this heavy load that’s keeping them from being expressed. And it's all mental beliefs, like shame, like unworthiness, like oh, good girls don't do that, good girls don't wanna do that. All of that stuff.’ ~Helena
It's not all that bad, of course, but if I extrapolate and enhance, that’s the feeling. Like there’s a mental vice holding me down, hemming me in, stopping me from speaking my needs, my truth, using my voice, my limbs, my body in ways that I want to – an inner signal that won’t get transformed into physical expression because some part of me won’t allow the transformation.
Having just had a moment of exquisite clarity professionally, I am anchoring the sensation, remembering it with all of me, so that I can use it as a guiding light for myself in personal/private settings – because I know how to be crystal clear in my communication and connection.
One of our meanders had us dancing with two other familiar concepts, discernment and judgment.
‘Discernment is flexible and judgment is rigid.’ ~Bella
Now, I won’t say more than that… in the hope you will press play and find a tankespjärn or two in this episode!
Links:
Bella (and her music)
Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter
- Role models in our own relations | with Özlem Tan
Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
The No Mind-festival at Ängsbacka
Playful tantra with Charlotte Cronquist
Twilight retreat with @wildherbarista and @whentheblackbirdsings_
Amazing Space by Laura Bonné (organic cosmetics)
Tankespjärn on Patreon – join us for equally rich conversations on a monthly basis
Just before me and Luke had our second conversation (this one!) I listened to him in (a podcast-) conversation with Eyal Shay on pain, which made me curious.
‘Pain is generally a signal that contains information worth listening to, worth parsing and figuring out ‘Well, what is it trying to tell me?’ Because if you figure that out, it's more likely that you're not going to have it again.’ ~Luke
My experiences with pain are luckily not even close to what Luke’s gone through (lucky for me, that is), but pain, and everything else we experience and feel, are most definitely signals. For us to pick up on, or not, as is the case with most (everyone?) who ‘burn out’.
Luke identifying with being a Helper, possibly both by trait and conditioning, learned to carry burdens way too heavy for him, and as a result, developed a chronic disorder which has caused him a lot of pain.
‘Shared burdens really make it easier for everyone.’ ~Luke
And I wonder… sitting here, juggling all the contents of a life, what with family and friends, work and free time, if perhaps the message contained in lots of the pain that we – you, me, us – experience, is that we should be asking for help. For assistance. Cooperation and collaboration. Instead… we are amplifying our pain by trying to go it alone, struggling, fearful of asking for help, shaming ourself for being needy, weak, sub-standard.
And everything I do, causes a ripple effect.
If I hold it in, contain the pain, try to deal with it myself, perhaps self-medicate, turn to exercise, drugs, gambling, sex, anything at all, to dull the pain. It ripples.
If I don’t hold it in, letting my pain out in such a way that I, in turn, inflict pain on others… It ripples.
‘What I do ripples and what I don't do ripples.
How I show up ripples, how I don't show up ripples.
It's like positive and negative space. There's the things I do, but then there's the stuff I don't do, that's kind of the negative space on a painting or something. And those [negative spaces] could be really impactful as well.
What do I put my focus on?
How am I addressing people and when and why, and when don't I?’ ~Helena
Questions worth pondering, and perhaps when you tag along with me and Luke as we dive into this and much more, you’ll receive a morsel or two of tankespjärn that’s just what you need right this moment.
Links:
Find Luke Aymon on Twitter
The Deep Dive podcast with Eyal Shay and Luke on pain
Top Gun: Maverick in 4DXand the original
Twin Peaks, the originaland the TV-series
Atlanta
The NYT shifts their stance
Yuval Noah Harari, author of Sapiens
Laura Tucker
Episode 48. Gifting is an indication that you want to be in community
Ishmael and Daniel Quinn
skolvåren (Swedish website)
The legacy of tankespjärn?!
...more on tankespjarn.com.
Without rules and guidelines, would anarchy ensue?
Isn’t that what we (me, you, others?!) believe? Or are taught to believe?
That anarchy is the natural outcome if there aren’t any rules.
I don’t think it necessarily would be.
Perhaps because I don’t think we, humans, function without rules. That is, even if there weren’t any rules, or they were removed, new ones would evolve. Because we are group animals, belonging together, rules will develop from the interactions of all involved.
“…we are taught not to listen. We're taught not to hear what the system that is me is actually signaling.” ~Helena
So when (or if) rules are enforced in such a way where I am not taught to listen within, to sync the rules with my own experience/feeling/sensation, what happens then? And how can I implement this in my parenting?
Özlem is faced with some uncomfortable tankespjärn more than once during this, our second conversation, and his ability to sit with that discomfort honors him.
“So much of parenting is the reactions of the parent. Now, we put it onto the kids, but it is our discomfort. It is our fear. It is our anxiety. It is our beliefs.” ~Helena
Me trying to control my firstborn in so many ways –what she wore, how she acted, what she said, how she reacted– was the spark that made me seek out a therapist, because I finally faced the truth of being a different parent than I wanted to be.
Writing this, I cringe inwardly because it sounds horrible. Makes me want to hide my face between my hands, or better yet, delete and start over, writing something completely different in this episode description.
But owning what I’ve done, how I’ve been, as a parent, the good and the bad alike, is my current parenting-project. I am breaking the cycle of blaming and shaming myself for what I’ve done as a parent, owning it instead. All of it. So there’s quite a lot of discomforting tankespjärn for me too in this episode. Perhaps you will find some as well?
Links:
Find Özlem Tan on LinkedIn
Den inre kompassen, blog post in Swedish
Radical Learning with my friend Rebecka Koritz
An article on traditional Inuit parenting
A most memorable Christmas Eve
Mandell spent a week in Senegal before we met up for our second conversation, and I was following his adventures on Instagram. When I came across a video of him walking just a few meters behind two big lions, I almost choked!
I mean, those are some seriously respect-inducing animals, for sure!
So of course, I ask Mandell about this, eager to find out what it felt like (hearing him speak of it I am reminded of when I was a young child wandering off from mom or dad, repeatedly looking back over my shoulder to make sure mom/dad is still there, and that I am not doing something I’m not supposed to. Mandell being the child, and the lion trainer being the parent.) which has us head straight into the territory of inner struggles with ethical dilemmas.
‘It's definitely an internal struggle of enjoyment at whose expense.’ ~Mandell
Like zoo’s, fly fishing, shopping for sneakers or clothes, opting out of being a car-owner, and whether or not to fly to Scotland (and elsewhere).
Mandell spoke of Consumed, a book he read on consumerism and the textile industry especially, a book that totally shifted his purchasing behaviour especially concerning sneakers, which has been an interest of his since his teens. (He has hundreds of pairs of sneakers. Hundreds! I am not sure if I have ten pairs of shoes even…)
‘Are [companies] sustainable or aren't they? Or are they just doing it for money? If you're really a sustainable company, why do you have a sustainable line? Shouldn't everything you do be sustainable?’ ~Mandell
My main take-away from this conversation is something Mandell puts his finger on, which is that each person has their own journey here. I don’t want to push, or shame, anyone into making the same decisions that I’ve made. No. I make my decisions, you make yours, and in the space in-between, there’s that field of Rumi’s where we can meet.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.”
~ Rumi
So if you’re up for a an hour and twenty minutes of varying kinds of tankespjärn pertaining to inner ethical dilemmas, look no further!
Links:
Find Mandell Conway through his website Giving is like or on LinkedIn
Mandell walking with the lions
Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter
Arnold Mindell
Consumed
Peter Kalmus, climate scientist, @ClimateHuman on Twitter
Greta Thunberg
Luk Shoes, handmade barefoot shoes
Scott Perry
Patagonia
Author Helena Thorfinn
When me and Kate hook up for our second conversation of five, she’s just come home after a week off the grid in a tiny cabin on Windhorse Farm. There she practiced self-care, but don’t tell her I said that as she positively hates that word/concept… both of which she professes to in this conversation.
“It was […] wonderful just to spend time with myself. We don't often think of ourselves as the friends that we are to ourselves.” ~ Kate Inglis
Besides the self-care-thing she was there for a writing retreat, which gives me a kick in the behind to book a couple of writing retreats for myself. There’s something special to treating yourself to (however long) a time of focus, where the distractions of every-day life at least are minimized. Just a shift of scenery makes a huge difference.
I don’t know much of the novel Kate’s writing (and finished writing during the retreat, which, possibly, might have been the 25th time she’s exclaimed Done! To this particular novel, so who knows!) but I know grief plays a part, and as such, grief, trauma, pain, suffering and feelings all were part of our two-hour+ meandering conversation.
What we fill our lives with, both on an emotional level, but also physically, matter greatly. The food I eat. The clothes I wear. The schampoo I use (or not), the shoes I stuff my feet in (or not…), how much sleep I get, if I ever stick my fingers in the soil, get outside in the sun… all of this impacts the quality of our lives.
“What else might I not need to be doing? How else can I edit and curate my experience so that I can get closer to the source of what is healthy for a human being?” ~ Kate Inglis
And the question is, or rather, one question is, what can I pare down? What can I remove from my life that makes it richer, healthier, less toxic? How can I empower myself, take the agency that is mine, by birth, by entitlement (oh how that word is one I have a contentious relationship with. But I am re-shaping my beliefs about it, about entitlement. Choosing to see the positives in it, how it can and should serve. Because yes, for me entitlement has negative connotations, or have had…).
“…to see people who are empowered to swim against the current of where the culture is pushing us. And I don't care how they do it and I don't care why they do it, it is just awesome.” ~ Kate Inglis
It is my hope and desire that you will find at least one piece of tankespjärn here, that will have you noodling something or other for a day or two. Have fun!
Links:
Kate Inglis is most easily found through her website
Windhorse farm, Nova Scotia
Banff Center for art and creativity
Kate’s tweet about feeling everything, or too much
Matthew Word Bain on Patreon
Bella was a calming presence in an online meet-up I attended last fall, having me reach out afterwards, inviting her to a one-on-one conversation. Lucky for me, she accepted, and we’ve had a few since then. Wise. Calm. With an energy that makes me feel good when I am around it. So I am thrilled to have her as my fifth conversation partner for season three, already looking forward to our upcoming four conversations.
With Bella, perhaps because of how we met, perhaps because of the vibes she gives off, conversations go naked quite quickly. And given how much I’ve worked on owning my wants, needs, longings and desires, it’s extremely helpful to be in conversation with someone who knows, to her very core, that she’s entitled to her wants and needs.
‘Even when I am not allowed to express my wants, I don't go and say, well, those are not legitimate wants and needs. That they can stay inside me, as legitimate.’ ~Bella
Just as I’ve been saying, for years, how all feelings are signals, I’ve actually never really broken it down to looking at my wants in the same way. It’s a signal, to heed or not, in the moment or at a later stage. And as such, it’s valid. It’s there. Not Truth, as such, but not something I need to or should disregard, label as illegitimate, invalidating myself.
‘I don't want to do the good thing. I want to do the real thing.’ ~Bella
What might real look like?
For me. For you. For us. How to dance with all of it? The joy, the happiness, being cheerful and buoyant, and all that we deem good and the anger, nastiness, jealousy, and petty emotions that seemingly scare us so much they are described as bad. How to dance with all of that? That’s what real means for me.
Join me and Bella for a meandering conversation, where you will encounter tankespjärn in many more ways as well.
Links:
Bella (and her music)
- Daring to be vulnerable on record | with Alison Coates
The Three Principles
My meta-me
Ray Dalio (of Bridgewater and nothing else!) and his Principles
A toboggan in English is a kälke in Swedish
Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter
Chelan Harkin’s poem When I opened my heart
#42 | Attuning to the Deep Feminine - Maya Luna, from The Mythic Masculine podcast
She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink
Downton Abbey
Esther Perel Discussion Group on FB
Ishmael by Daniel Quinn
@utanstrumpor on Twitter
Last season Twitter gifted me Reddy. This season’s Twitter gift is Luke Aymon, whom I connected with thanks to Reddy, who plays a lot with Eyal Shay (who’s podcast I guested), who in turn speaks a lot with Luke… and somewhere along those lines, mine and Luke’s paths crossed and we struck up a conversation. My hunch was that here’s a person whom I will enjoy being in conversation with, and my hunch proved correct!
Our two-hour meander took us into and through topics such as baby-sitting (have you ever considered what a weird word that is? Sitting the baby?), old timey radio announcer-playing, how games have changed from when Luke was small (not to mention when I was small…), to inbound marketing and the Inner Ethics Committee, to fungal treatments, risk analysis and the long arcs…
‘How do you set priorities that are not defined by something like money or resources, because that's generally how things get done? How do you value something like a future that you don't know if it will happen or not? I don't know.’ ~Luke
At the risk of being labeled technology-averse or anti-development and inventions, I am getting more and more aware of the dangers of running ahead full speed. Risk assessment is not easy, especially if you are faced with something new. How to even know what questions are relevant to ask, to make an informed decision, using discernment, about what might or might not serve in the long run? Heck, even if it will serve in the short run can be tricky.
‘We try to fix everything. Maybe there is no fixing to be done?’ ~Helena
Living in a fix-it-culture I am reminded of the quote (uncertain attribution) Don’t just do something, stand there! It helps me breathe and hold back from immediate action, even in moments when I really want to step into fix-it-mode.
‘Part of the acceptance of what is, is accepting what is, rather than trying to fix it, rather than finding the cure or avoiding, which is also a type of fix.’ ~Helena
This, and much more tankespjärn, is awaiting you in this episode. Or so I hope at least!
Links:
Find Luke Aymon on Twitter
Former Reddit CEO on Elon Musk and ‘a world of pain’
Pokémon Go
Episode 50 on the Inner Marketing Committee with Andy Mort
buildinpublic
Inbound marketing
On tankespjarn.com you will find my e/audiobook and my other offerings including the community
First time I set eyes on Özlem Tan was during a leadership-training we both attended a few years back. I liked how he showed up there, and ever since, we’ve kept in touch, having interesting conversations which made me invite him to the third season of the podcast.
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Where are you from?
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I'm from Helsingborg.
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No, no, no, I mean like from the beginning?
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Well, yeah, I was born in a little village called Billesholm.
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That's not what I mean.
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Yeah, I understand you, you mean where my roots are? I'm a Swedish Kurd.
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Well, you can't be both.
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Of course, I can be both. What are you talking about?
As Özlem (born in Sweden to Kurdish parents, coming to Sweden before he was born) narrates an all too familiar dialogue for me, he helps me see (again) the absurdity of the question Where are you from? reminding me of the TED TalkTaiye Selasi held at TEDGlobal 2014 ‘Don’t ask me where I’m from, ask where I’m a local’.
‘Relationship role models: Do you have anyone in your life you can look at, in a marriage or a partnership, where you go, they are doing that thing, that's what I want to have. I want to model at least part of what they're doing, because that really hits home. Do you have anyone like that?’ ~Helena
And as I ask him for relationship role models, I wonder if he sees what becomes apparent to me as I work with the post-production for this episode: He and his wife are just that to their two daughters.
[My two daughters] want to avoid me interfering or helping them, they want to sort [conflicts] out themselves. ~Özlem
I don’t prepare for these episodes (except invite my five partners for the season and set up dates for our conversations), but I do read through the transcripts, looking for snippets as well as brush up on where we meandered, so that I can write these episode descriptions.
It takes time, yes, and there’s tremendous value to it.
I see more that what was apparent (to me) in the moment, during the conversation, my mind connects dots (like the TED Talk above, which I didn’t connect to during the conversation, but which popped into my mind once I started on the episode description). The potential for tankespjärn is alive and present, sometimes sprouting in the most surprising ways, as the meandering continues beyond the actual conversation.
This is what I hope happens to/in you as well.
That there’s a potential for tankespjärn that goes beyond the actual content; a memory awakened, a nudge that makes you take action on something, an infusion of energy into your life.
Links:
Find Özlem Tan onLinkedIn
My doodle from Internetstiftelsen’s seminar ’Why conspiracy theories are a threat to democracy’
När och varför slutade ni följa nyheterna?
Books!
Who knew me and Mandell Conway, conversation-partner number two for this third season of meandering conversations, would spend a whole episode talking abouts books. (Well. More or less. Not 100% perhaps. But a lot. And as I am a book buff I was pleasantly surprised to find a book buff-friend in Mandell).
You see, I know Mandell more for the stories he writes, as we met up in end November 2020 for The Storyskills Workshop. Luckily for me, Mandell started a blog in the first months of 2022, publishing writings he somewhat irregularly shares on LinkedIn too, which is where they caught my eye. In that way, he kind of made his way into my mind as I started to ponder who I wanted to spend season three with.
It’s fascinating how easy it is to set up rules for reading, rules that might or might not serve you (or your reading habit).
’… as I began to learn and like to read and fall down these rabbit holes of self-development, I wouldn't buy books unless I was reading them. And then if I read a book, I would finish them. Then I read somewhere that it's okay to have a bunch of books in your house that you haven't read. Just look at it as if you have all this wisdom accessible to you at any moment.’ ~ Mandell
I did the same thing as Mandell, punished myself by judging me a failure if I started to read a book without finishing it. Today I’ve so let that belief go, as there are way to many books out there for me to spend my time reading books I am not getting something of value from, regardless what that ‘value’ might be.
I’ve also imposed a no-book-buying-ban on myself, having ten years or so when I’d only read library books. I’ve relaxed a lot around that issue too, buying books that I know I want to marginalia in. (No. That’s not an actual verb. But in my vocabulary it is.)
So when I learned about tsundoku (having books piled everywhere) in an article by Austin Kleon, I laughed because this is so me. He also quotes Edward Tufte:
“The important books in my library are the unread books.”
Perhaps this is true for tankespjärn as well? The important thing is to be in a setting where the potential for coming across one (or two, or…) is high. Such as when you join me and Mandell in this our first conversation. Enjoy!
Links:
Find Mandell Conway through his website Giving is like or on LinkedIn
The Storyskills Workshop
Stöld av Ann-Helén Laestadius
Do Open: How a simple email newsletter can transform your business by David Hieatt, the denim guy of Hiut Denim
Keyboard CEO course over on Do Lectures, with Mike Coulter (whose name slipped my mind…)
The Creative’s Workshop
The altMBA
Wim Hof Fundamentals
Pop the cat
Season three is upon us, and thus I get to introduce five new people to you!
First up is Kate Inglis. A lovely woman I connected with on Twitter after she reached out a hand. And you’ve experienced it yourself, I am sure, when you first connect with someone and you just know that there’s something there, haven’t you? A liking, an affinity, a knowing that if we were to commence walking alongside each other, we’d find a lot of value and enjoyment from it. No wonder then that she popped into my mind when I started to invite people for season three.
I could go into a long song and dance about Kate, where she’s from, what she does for a living, what experiences has shaped her and the trajectory of her life… but I won’t. Partly because I far from know enough of it, but also, mostly, because I want you to get to meet Kate. Period. Not meet who I perceive her to be, not meet who you’ll perceive her to be based on descriptors and label I put on her here. Just meet her.
The first of a series of five conversations, by the end of which I am fairly sure, both you, me and her, will individually have a knowing of Kate that is unique to us all. Which reminds me of bits in this meandering conversation, where we touch upon houses (have you ever had a house look down its nose at you, for instance?) and character, but also history. A lot about history honestly, touching on the big events that we read about in textbooks. But more specifically, pointing to the import of the tiny stories, the unremarkable lives, the everyday reality of all those that came before us. Do you know your history?
Prepare for a few rants too, at least some of which I am certain will shower your day with some (possibly sought-after) tankespjärn!
Links:
Kate Inglis is most easily found through her website
Sex and the City
A Discovery of Witches
Colonial Williamsburg
Malmö, Sweden
Riverport, Nova Scotia
1884
Buddhas by the Roadside
Bob Newhart Stop it!
Notes for the everlost by Kate Inglis
Antifragile by Nassim Nicholas Taleb
The Tankespjärn community where this type of conversation takes place in a monthly meet-up – you are more than welcome to join!
The Glass Bead Game by Herman Hesse
FB-group for announcement for upcoming Glass Bead Games
Michael Sillion aka Captain Future
Judgment and discernment in reflection, episode 47 with Steve Emery, season two
Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter
Wrapping up season two I am filled with gratitude for the experience. All of it. From inviting conversation partners to setting up the first conversations, thoroughly enjoying conversations two and three, experiencing tugs at my heartstrings in conversation four and when finding times for the group reflections, to being a bit lost-for-words during the fifth and final (individual) conversations. At long last, I am brought to this point, where I am writing the episode description for the second and last group-episode.
‘It's the conversations. That's what matters, which comes through in spades.’ ~Andy
The insight that these meandering conversations hold value on many levels sweep by like a warm spring breeze, caressing my cheek ever so softly. For me in doing 5x5 deep and honest conversations. For my partners in playful explorative conversation, a dance based on open minds and curious hearts. For listeners feeling as if you are a part of the conversations. Which you are!
‘Conversation is an important part of our lives. And we need to learn to have those [deep] conversations in a way that encourages the thinking process.’ ~Izzy
How do you get deep and honest conversations into your life? How to invite, entice, instigate them, when, where, with whom? With others and/or with yourself?
‘The algorithms don't really invite tankespjärn at all.’ ~Caspian
Where do you get seeds of enquiry, confusion, excitement to play and dance and create with?
‘Most of the time when I'm speaking, I don't know how I'm going to finish my sentence. You know, I might have a general sense of what the idea is, but I increasingly find I speak to discover. There is a certain kind of space that's required for that.’ ~Matthew
You are invited into just such a space, a space where the opportunity for tankespjärn is present, always and already. If, and when, you need nourishment, know that you are welcome to step into that space with me, with us.
Links:
The Tankespjärn community provides just such a space–you are welcome to join!
Izzy can be found through RedCheeks
Andy Mort
Andy’s Patreon page
Matthew Word Bain on Medium and Instagram
Caspian Almerud, my behind-the-scenes-man and best buddy
Me and Andy on his podcast, The Gentle Rebel Podcast
Inma (aka Imma) J Lopez, sommelier and writer on Attention
Creative Community
Steve Emery is most easily found on Color Sweet Tooth
Reddy on Twitter (and me on Twitter)
Maybe violence isn’t all that bad?!
Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter
The Trialogues (Sheldrake, McKenna, Abraham)
Rounding off season two (How IS it possible, that I’ve already had another 5x5 conversations?!), we do a repeat of what we did at the end of season one: getting everyone from the season together to share what it’s been like to partake. Here’s the first of two group conversations, with me, Reddy, Steve and Inma, chaperoned by Caspian who’s my behind-the-scenes man (and dear friend!).
Having 5x5 deep real-life meandering conversations has been very instrumental in my personal growth ever since season one took off, but there’s something very rewarding in hearing how these conversations impact my dance partners, which is what they all feel like.
“It's a very strange kind of dance these conversations. No one's really leading. No one’s really following. It's like we're taking turns or it's like… we don't even know? I mean, the dance floor is changing, the dance keeps changing and it's almost like the partners keep changing because every time we speak, we move from one topic to another.” ~Reddy
As there’s no topic to start off with, what wants to happen is invited to happen, which incidentally makes for a great playground where learning is rife.
“You have a conversation in a protected space and you learn how to ride without training wheels, and then you find you can do it someplace else.” ~Steve
Sometimes it’s not even what we say, but that we say it, and how our voices come together to help create a space of intimacy.
“There’s also the component of the sound of our voices, that for me, with Izzy and Helena, it’s just like Oh my God, this is good because the sound of their voices when they are talking is just so intimate, and they are talking about intimacy. It’s a WOW for me. It becomes like threads of the fabric [that we are collectively weaving by participating in the meandering conversations], the sounds of our voices.” ~Inma
Tag along with me, Reddy, Steve, Inma and Caspian, as we reflect on the past six months. Perhaps those pieces of tankespjärn aren’t quite as obvious… but… they are there. Promise!
Links:
Steve Emery is most easily found on Color Sweet Tooth
Reddy on Twitter (and me on Twitter)
Inma J Lopez, sommelier and writer on Attention
Caspian Almerud, my behind-the-scenes-man and best buddy
The Creatives Workshop (aka PRO2 that Steve refers too, I attended PRO1) of Akimbo
The Tankespjärn community where this type of conversation takes place in a monthly meet-up – you are more than welcome to join!
Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
The Creative Community (that me, Steve, Inma and Matthew are all engaged in)
Antifragile by Nassim Nicholas Taleb
‘I blew it up!’, he exclaimed, as we started talking, with Steve sharing his latest adventures, continuing, ‘I didn't mean to blow it up, but I blew it up.’
Well. There you go.
The most fascinating things occur when doing internal work. Our processes have been running in parallel, with a lot of similarities and interweaving of experiences and issues, and as the same time, each of our processes are unique. I do process-oriented therapy for an hour and a half every week with a therapist, while Steve works ‘alone’ with journaling, where the journals kind of take the part of a therapist/guide, as he actively flicks through them now and again, as he’s stuck. Seeing new things, picking up on patterns etc.
What works for each of us individually might or might not work for the other, and these are also just two of probably a gazillion different ways of doing inner work. Luckily, there’s no one who can say they’ve figured out The Right Way, or The Only Way, which also means that if you’ve tried one way that didn’t sit well with you – experiment on my friend, there’s bound to be some way that works for you! And perhaps listening to me and Steve share our two ways of going about it might inspire you to take some type of action?
This is how I try to work. By being descriptive, rather than prescriptive. I don’t know what will work for you or not (and neither do you, perhaps), but if I describe what’s worked for me, you might be inspired to tweak and try something out yourself. And here you get two for the price of one, what with me and Steve walking a similar path, using different modalities.
There’s more (there’s always more) to be had than this, though, and I trust you will find a nugget or two of tankespjärn that will get your system churning!
Links:
Steve Emery is most easily found on Color Sweet Tooth
Join me and Steve in the Tankespjärn community on Patreon
Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosm an Venter
“Death journaling” by Ira Progoff
Active imagination
Internal Family Systems
Carlos Castaneda and The teaching of Don Juan
Iain McGilchrist and The Master and his Emissary
Daniel Quinn and My Ishmael
Matthew Word Bain on Medium and Patreon
Do you take yourself seriously?
Have a hard time laughing at yourself when you’ve done something whacky?
Is it a heavy burden to be you, to achieve all you’ve set out to achieve, according to standards you hold no one to, except yourself?
If so, you are in good company, as both me and Izzy have had our fair share of taking ourselves too seriously, with similarities and unique facets of what precisely that seriousness looks and feels like.
I’ve come a long way in comparison with myself of the past, and yet, diving deep into myself in process-oriented therapy, I am discovering all sort of new ways that I still take myself too seriously, holding myself to superhuman standard.
And too seriously… yes. I say that, deliberately, as judgmental as it might seem. And it is. Because taking myself too seriously means I stop the flow of life, it makes it really hard for me to dance with life, with whatever comes knocking on the door.
Izzy was preparing for a talk, when we recorded this conversation, and she was nervous. And taking herself seriously. And you know, what if those nervous fluttering sensations are an invite to not take yourself too seriously? What if…
Feeling that nervous fluttering of butterflies in my stomach could mean Oh no! which can sink me, but could also mean Oh yes! and raise me up. ~Helena
Yeah.
What if?
Now and again… what if’s can totally bring me down.
And if I flip them around, they can help me soar high into the sky.
Just like those fluttering wings.
Allowing for that flip is one way to invite tankespjärn into your life. So as you listen, see where there’s a flip for you, that will shift your perspective, challenge a belief, and possibly, just possibly, make you soar high.
Links:
Izzy can be found through RedCheeks
- Giving and receiving or buying and selling? with Matthew and Inma on ‘coming into a different relationship with my nervous system’
Helena in a speaking engagement in October of 2021 (in Swedish)
altMBA at Akimbo Workshops
I am ruthless when it comes to notifications.
Off is the name of the game for me, with one exception: text messages (the actually text messages, not WhatsApp, Signal, Messenger etc. Those are off too.)
It bugs me, that any number of apps/services that I use, keep throwing a repeat question my way: You have notifications turned off. Sure you don’t wanna turn them on?
YES!
I am super-sure I don’t wanna turn them on. I have very deliberately and intentionally turned them off, and I’d like for you to respect that. I know how to turn them on again, if and when I choose to, and not because you are not taking no for an answer.
‘Our modern way of marketing is to never take no for an answer.’ ~Andy
Andy goes so far as to liken it to a type of rape-culture, which, honestly, it is. Isn’t it? I say no, no, no, no, no and no, and still, you keep at it (I am looking at you Goodreads, Goodpods, Twitter etc). Just won’t take no for an answer, until you’ve worn me down, so I might say yes, simply to get you to stop.
Mmm…
Me no like.
It makes my Inner Ethics Committee on Marketing go No. No thank you. Not now, not ever. And I have to wonder: Am I alone in this? (Rhetorical question. I am not. If nothing else, I’ve got Andy on my side.)
‘A mirror being held up: “Is this the person you want to be?”’ ~Andy
That is the bigger question lurking in the background. For me at least. (And obviously for Andy too, as he asked it.)
How do I want to show up in life? Online, offline, in person, in memory.
What do I do, what do I avoid doing? How do I do, and not do? And specifically, on the topic of marketing, what do I feel is worthy of being marketed? And how? When does my Inner Ethics Committee go Yes, and when does it go No? Definitely something for me to play some more with!
This is a type of marketing too, I just realized… argh! So much tankespjärn, available wherever I point my attention – and I hope you might also be able to find a nugget or two in this our fifth and final conversation.
Links:
Andy Mort
Andy’s Patreon page
Andy goes skiing – Instagram reel
Rob Bell
A little life by Hanya Yanagihara
Me and Reddy sat down for our fifth and final conversation on the 24th of February 2022, when Russia made their move on Ukraine. With that backdrop, perhaps you will not be surprised that our conversation circled around the concept of violence. But, not necessarily in the way you might think.
We assume that we're good human beings if we are not violent. And we assume that if we are violent, then we are bad human beings. The simplicity of that statement makes it all the more violent, because we are immediately classifying and splitting people apart, creating more room for violence, more likelihood of violence. ~Reddy
I’ve been giving violence quite a lot of thoughts lately, even going into therapy a few months ago with the statement Maybe violence isn’t all that bad as the starting point. Made for an interesting therapy session for sure. This conversation in no less interesting to me, and we touch on so many interesting aspects of violence. Of aggression. On who wants war, and who doesn’t. On the non-violence movement of Gandhi, and how aggressive his ‘turn the other cheek’-practice was. Bring in a few kittens, the harvest of sweetgrass and playing rock-paper-scissor over Ukraine, and you have the range of this conversation!
And regardless if you agree with what pops out of the mouth of me and/or Reddy in this meandering conversation of ours, I hope you pick up on something that was very apparent to me as we were talking: we dare have this conversation. With each other. (And you, because it’s published now too.)
This is most definitely a sticky topic, or a potentially sticky topic at least. But we dance with it and each other, in a way that for me is respectful with a lot of curiosity and openness. And laughter, a vital ingredient in life, and definitely in sticky conversations. So, dive in, and play with us, in a respectful and curious way, where agreement isn’t the purpose. We don’t HAVE to agree. We don’t HAVE to come to any one conclusion. Bouncing from tankespjärn to tankespjärn, we are simply playing in the space between Violence is bad and Maybe violence isn’t all that bad. Join us?
Links:
Reddy on Twitter (and me on Twitter)
Buddhas by the Roadside, a podcast with me, Dominic and Caspian
Ishmael by Daniel Quinn, followed by The Story of B and My Ishmael
@DHH from Basecamp
Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey
Embodied Intimacy
Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
Korean movie Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter… and Spring
Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin
The Diwali-festival
CISV International
A Slice of Swedish Hospitality
The Tankespjärn Patreon community – join us in playing!
Gift culture and Place.
Two terms that have been a common thread throughout all the conversations I’ve been having with Matthew and Inma in this season, and this, the fifth and final conversation, is no exception.
Inma shares a lovely story of her grandmother always giving her this big box of chocolates on her Name Day, a day always celebrated with the entire extended family present, all the while knowing that Inma isn’t very fond of chocolates [I know. Just the idea that there are people out there who aren’t very fond of chocolate is enough of a tankespjärn to last me a day or two, that’s for sure!]. After many years of this, when Inma finally actually asked why, her grandmother’s response was: “I know that you don't like chocolate, but because you don't like chocolate, you are the only one who is going to open the box here and share it with everyone.”
Which is another way of pointing to what Matthew heard Dave Snowden say:
“Giving a gift is an indication that you want to be in community.”
Without a social fabric tying us all together, our world, our lives, would fall apart. Community – a weave of individual strands – forms the basis of gift culture.
“The presence of social fabric is a way to guarantee that abundance always flows into the direction of greatest need, that surplus always flows in the direction of greatest need, that people don't hoard wealth, because that doesn't make any sense in the gift culture.” ~Matthew
The giving of gifts.
Sitting in the garden, gifted the warm shine of the sun, the laughter of a neighbor kid down the street, the clean water in my cup next to me, birds chirping away, thrilled at the coming of spring, the jingling of the little bell on Pop the cat’s collar as he makes his way over to me for a cuddle…
All of them gifts.
None of them ostentatious, apparent, obvious.
All of them subtle, easily overlooked, but oh so precious if, and when, I acknowledge them.
Perhaps the chocolate-thing was enough tankespjärn for you, perhaps you are eager for more… if so, join us and let me/us know your thoughts, by writing a comment or reaching out to either of us. It would be a gift. In the same way we gift you this conversation-turned-podcast.
Links:
Matthew Word Bain on Medium and Instagram
Inma J Lopez, sommelier and writer on Attention
Nilofer Merchant and onlyness
The Emerald podcast, the episode with Tyson Yunkaporta on Pattern, Kinship, and Story in a World of Decontextualized Minds
For years I’ve been reflecting on the concept of judgment only to have a revelation when discernment showed up casting a whole new light upon judgment. In this conversation, me and Steve meander into the quagmire of comparison and BAM – I make a connection I’ve not made before, seeing how comparison paired with either judgment or discernment really makes for two completely different scenarios, or energies.
‘Judgment is taking things and comparing them, deciding which one is above or below, on some evaluative scale.
Whereas discerning is merely thinking about differences, where differences are horizontal, not judged one way or the other.
[…] you split the things apart, create the discernment, which is the cutting apart of things and separating them. And then in the gap in the middle is where the insight comes from.’ ~Steve
That I get to have conversations like these, meandering, agendaless, in a context where mutual respect, openness and curiosity is the very foundation we stand upon, is just so wondrous! It gives me ample opportunity to create, generate, stumble upon, be invited into just that gap in the middle where the insight comes from that Steve points to.
Makes me grateful that he is a reflective introvert, however much he can also see the potential downside to that way of being in the world.
’I often often envy people who don't introspect much because they just seem to do what they want to do or say what they want to say.’ ~Steve
But isn’t that just what discernment actually points to? That everything has its moment where it’s just right (the Swedish word lagom comes to mind!), not too much, not too little, not all the time, nor never. Just right. Lagom. Goes for everything, doesn’t it?
‘Maybe we all should be dealing with each other's needs a little bit better, but the fact that some of us are overthinking for others and others are under-thinking for others means that it's not very balanced. At times it can feel like we're being taken advantage of if we're the ones doing the thinking instead of the doing or asking.’ ~Steve
Are you prone to reflection? To over- or under-thinking? This conversation invites you to look at that, and much more, as always, an episode where there’s some tankespjärn available if you are open to it.
Links:
Steve Emery is most easily found on Color Sweet Tooth
Mark Nepo and The Book of Awakening
Dumma Människor – Det underbara lidandet
Daniel Kahneman Thinking, Fast & Slow
Mellanrum, a most lovely Swedish word
The Tulip tree, Liriodendron tulipifera
Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
The Honorable Harvest
Optimising Nutrition
Picasso's Guernica
“I think it's so important that you have conversations with people on the podcast and you publish it [so] people can experience different people, basically different voices, different ways of thinking.” ~Izzy
It’s fascinating how the common thread of each of these 5x5 conversations varies. Matthew, Inma and me speak a lot about space, place and the gift economy. Reddy and me have been travelling within and without, visiting the Himalayas and native lands, food and languages. A journey in the footsteps of Andy’s quickly growing creative-babies (13 songs born just before we had our first conversation). There’s been some deeply personal and creative explorations with Steve, and with Izzy, well, intimacy is it. This conversation is no different, even though we take a slightly different slant, and get a bit more explicit here.
Like the difference between the hypersexualized world we live in, a world I perceive as zoomed in, in-my-face, explicit. The in-and-out:ness of porn, in a Duracell Bunny-hyped energy that… just doesn’t get my juices flowing. Counter that with what does; something much more sensual, erotica which feels more zoomed out, with a lot of allure, a dance between light and shadow, leaving a lot to my own imagination.
Luckily, I get to choose, and so do you. Like Izzy says, we're all different!
She also points to something that is rarely spoken about: the benefits of pleasureable sex.
“There is research that proves that having sex, enjoyable sex, sex that allows you to explore your own and your partner's pleasures, sex that is consensual, has a positive impact on your health.” ~Izzy
She calls it ’the discovery of our pleasures' which brings a smile to my face. Perhaps because that phrase opens pleasure up (way) beyond sex? Or the other way around, opens sex up to be more than I have labelled it to be? The sensuality of ordinary life suddenly takes on a whole new tint and tone… mmm. I like it!
Tag along for a ride that will certainly give you a tankespjärn or two.
Links:
Izzy can be found through RedCheeks
Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
Esther Perel, author of the book Mating in Captivity
Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter
Women who run with the wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
Operant conditioning and classical conditioning
Kinsey, the movie
Skarhult Castle and previous exhibitions on lovers and mistresses
Ethical Porn for Dicks: A Man’s Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure by David J. Ley
Braiding Sweetgrass.
Written by Robin Wall Kimmerer.
A book that comes up over and over again in my life, as a testament to the impact it’s making not just for me, but also for Matthew and Inma, for instance. Perhaps because we are all a part of the same Creative Community where that was the bookclub-choice for January of 2022.
Andy asks who it’s for and however eager I am to burst out EVERYBODY. But that’s a bit lazy, honestly. Nothing or no one is for everybody, something I know to be true. I especially know I am not for everyone. Braiding Sweetgrass I point to those who are interested in, concerned or even anxious about the state of the natural world today.
”[…] there’s fire you must tend to every day. The hardest one to take care of is the one right here,” he says, tapping his finger against his chest. “Your own fire, your spirit. We all carry a piece of that sacred fire within us. We have to honor it and care for it. You are the firekeeper.” – from Braiding Sweetgrass, the chapter ‘Shkitagen: People of the seventh fire’, by Robin Wall Kimmerer
When our creations are rooted in that place, when they come from our innermost sacred fire, there’s a timeless quality to them. Honor yourself, your creations and the world by taking the time to go deep when you create, and your creations are seeded with that timeless quality. (As oppossed to 'doing what's popular right now', which quickly becomes dated material/creations!)
And yes!
This is one of our meanders; inspired by an update on Andy’s songs, the thirteen songs that were born a week before our first conversation. They have now stepped into adolescence, truly coming into their own identities, and the kids-metaphor we started back then still feels valid and relevant.
I, on the other hand, share how therapy has brought me to shaky ground, coming up against a few layers (of habits, beliefs, traits) that have served me these past 15 years… but now? Do they still? Or not? And what's underneath them? I don't know, it feels very uncertain, and thus… on shaky ground!
“Starting to listen more to intuition, really finding an openness to it so I don't automatically fall into rational intellect saying ’This is what to do’. Because rational intellect can tell me that ‘You live a great life just now. Keep at it, the way it is. Don't rock the boat!’.
But there's something telling me ’Rock the boat. Now!’” ~Helena Roth
If nothing else, perhaps there’s enough tankespjärn for you by simply asking yourself if there’s a boat of two in your life that is ready to be rocked?
Links:
Andy Mort
Andy’s Patreon page
Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
Creative Community
- Connections – already there and always will be | with Reddy
Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter
The Beginner's Guide to Dream Interpretation: Uncover the Hidden Riches of Your Dreams by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
Sisu, the Finnish spirit
Connection.
Me and Reddy dive deep into connection in this our fourth conversation.
(Again. Seems we come around to this central theme every conversation, even though it might take on slightly different shapes and colors.)
Why, why is it so hard to imagine that everything is connected? Everyone is connected, all thoughts, all ideas, all emotions, all our feelings. Everything's connected. And I actually have to remind myself that I'm connected. ~ Reddy
Have you ever felt disconnected? Separate, alienated, all alone.
Yeah.
The number of human beings who hasn’t felt that has to be low. But I’d venture a guess, that can never be anything but a guess, that the more we culturally have separated ourselves from Nature, the more disconnected, separate, alienated and alone we feel.
I don't even need to make the connections. Connections are there, they're being made. I just need to let them flow effortlessly. ~ Reddy
When we believe the only people around are humans, already then, we’ve severely minimized the possibility of connection that is always and already there. And cognition seems to be a possible culprit here. I can talk myself out of needs I have, however real, physical and valid they are. Fear-driven rather than willing to explore and expand, I make myself small and unimportant, when, really, I am not. And neither are you.
We matter, our needs matter, and sometimes I wish we could be more like cats or little kids. Cats do Cat, you know? Pop the cat doesn’t worry about what I might think of him when he desperately needs to get outside even though I am in the middle of a pod-recording. Little kids do Human, in the same way. Not yet entangled in norms and expectations, the culture of the family, the neighbourhood, the country, and the domesticated behaviours deemed good and worthy.
What would happen if more of us flowed with the wave of our personal energy, be it domestication or animalistic? Scary thought? Well. Perhaps. But maybe you can explore it in a way that isn’t scary, but rather expanding?
This, and many other threads of tankespjärn are definitely to be had if you press Play, diving deep into connection with me and Reddy.
Links:
Reddy on Twitter (and me on Twitter)
Buddhas by the Roadside, a podcast with me, Dominic and Caspian
Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday
Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo
Finite and Infinite Games: A Vision of Life as Play and Possibility by James P. Carse
Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
Lekfull tantra (playful tantra) with Charlotte Cronquist
Embodied Intimacy
Torka aldrig tårar utan handskar-series by Jonas Gardell
The Self-Care Mastery of Cats
Paraphrasing Inma who said something along the lines of ‘in any given day, there's more giving/receiving than buying/selling taking place on the planet’ I want to challenge you to think about it. If you read this before pressing play on the 43rd podcast episode, then maybe hold off for a minute or two. Close your eyes. Sense into it.
What is buying/selling?
Who is buying/selling?
What’s the benefits and the drawbacks?
How does it serve? And whom?
And then.
Lean into the other one.
Giving and receiving.
What does that mean?
Where does giving/receiving take place?
Who’s engaging in it? Where? And why?
How does it serve?
How does it differ from buying/selling?
And what if… one or the other was suddenly outlawed.
A world with no buying/selling taking place.
Or a world with no giving/receiving taking place.
Can you picture these two scenarios?
What would they each lead to?
What would the impact be, if you removed either of them?
Me, Matthew and Inma spend quite some time meandering around this tankespjärn, and it’s stayed with me ever since our conversation. It’s made me more conscious of when I engage in either of these four activities (buying, selling, giving, receiving). But it’s also made me more aware how subtle a lot of the giving is, and even more so, the receiving.
I receive things a l l t h e t i m e.
Every breath I take. There’s a gift given me, that I receive.
Every sip of water, each morsel of food, is a gift given to me, that I receive.
Every smile I encounter, every song I hear, the flower I smell… all of it gifted me. Some more easily and readily received than others. (There’s a lot of song’s that I am not interested in receiving. Flower’s I don’t particularly enjoy looking at or smelling.)
The shelter my house brings me, the warmth the stove graciously extends to me, how the intricate system of my physical body can propel me 8 kilometers by bike swiftly and without too much trouble.
It’s simply amazing, when you start to think of it. Brings me the same type of feeling that I get sitting outside on a dark night, looking up at the stars in the universe… drowning in the vastness of it all.
I hope you will find a nugget or two of tankespjärn once you press Play, inviting me, Matthew and Inma into your life for a while, gifted our presence, perhaps receiving something you didn’t expect?
Links:
Matthew Word Bain on Medium and Instagram
Inma J Lopez, sommelier and writer on Attention
The Wolf Moon of January
Episode 37 of Tankespjärn with Helena Roth, in conversation with Steve Emery
The History of Bees by Maja Lunde
Where the crawdads sing by Delia Owens
Robin Wall Kimmerer and Braiding Sweetgrass
Episode 39 of Tankespjärn with Helena Roth, in conversation with Reddy
I’m so miserable when I’m in my head, Steve says, after we’ve spent some time speaking about the fascinating aspect of wintering, which also happen to be the name of a book by Katherine May, a book I highly recommend you read/listen to. Surprisingly, this is one of those audiobooks I’ve not only listened to with great enjoyment, but actually relistened to. (Have not been a big fan of audiobooks as a way for me to read, but have found a few that I truly enjoy listening to, so warming to the concept. And am an absolute fan of everyone finding whatever works for them!)
Wintering makes me feel held, recognizing myself in the manyfold stories of periods of personal winters, which may or may not fall in the physical winter period. So when I hear Steve share about two distinct different cycles he’s discovered in his life, I give him a bit of tankespjärn. What if… there’s no fixing to be done? What if these two different ways of being are simply natural cycles of (his) life? What if life isn't supposed to be 'the same' all year round? Maybe we need the cycle of forgetting, wintering, re-remembering, getting re-energized? I wonder if next time one of these in my head-cycles roll around for him, if the experience might be different? Perhaps. Perhaps not.
I know I am far from dependable when it comes to putting insights into action. Which is funny, as me being 'The Dependable One' for clients, family, friends is one of the meanders we stroll past in this, our third conversation. Turns out being dependable to others also means I am not dependable to me, habituated to put others ahead of myself and my needs.
My recent period of wintering, which has coincided with the actual winter, is one where the consequences of not caring for myself enough has become apparent in how little creative output I’ve had in the past months. I have a number of blog posts I… arghhh, I even struggle writing want to write there, feels much more like a should. Which might well be one reason why I’ve been procrastinating. Which, incidentally, is a concept I am warming to, more and more. It’s a very clear signal, and boy do I ever need clarity in signal-strength, helping me to get it, whatever it happens to be in the moment.
The Dependable-insight popped during a therapy session, followed by a question that I had no answer to. A void opened up, as I sat with it, and even now, I still don’t know the answer to it. Who am I, if I am not The Dependable one?
This, and much more in this conversation where I am certain you there will be some tankespjärn or two for you.
Links:
Steve Emery is most easily found on Color Sweet Tooth
Wintering by Katherine May
Living beautifully by Pema Chödrön
The year of bubbles for Helena
The Creative Community both me and Steve are a part of
Six Drawing Lessons by William Kentridge, and the first lesson on YouTube (to get you started)
Triggers.
A concept that’s been popping up more and more all over these past few years.
Urged to write Trigger warning or TW at the top of posts on social media, followed by a number of empty rows to make sure no one gets triggered by a question or statement or reflection on sexual assault, abortion, medical conditions, addictions, abuse and the like.
Rallying cries for trigger-safe environments, especially in academia, scare the living bejesus out of me… how can we get better at dealing with sensitive and hard topics, or, to use a term I’ve used a lot with my two compadres in Buddhas by the Roadside, sticky conversations, if we strive to remove any and all hint of them? Last time I checked practice makes perfect and you learn by doing are two proven ways to get better at things, as opposed to you learn by not-doing which I’ve never seen anyone advocate for.
At the same time, I realize that when I say it’s up to me to take responsibility for what I am triggered by, and doing the work necessary to get me better resourced to deal with it, perhaps I make it too easy? But on the other hand, whose job is it if it’s not mine? And this is valid for all aspects of my life. Because it’s my life. Not yours. I own it. It’s on me to take responsibility for it, and for honoring my boundaries, which also means I get to step away from a conversation that I am triggered by, and that I am not resourced for. But I don’t believe it to be a valid reason to shut the conversation down for everyone. That’s something completely different.
And like Izzy says:
We often try to blame someone else or something else for our things that didn't work out for us or, you know, aren’t working out for us. It's about taking that fricking responsibility for the things you do. ~Izzy
Besides this, there’s a mix of anime, podcasts (Jocko Willink, Jordan B Peterson, Esther Perel) and books (Women who run with the wolves) and a riff on the immense satisfaction available to me when I land in a group where I can dive deep into conversation. The book club’s of my Creative Community are absolutely magnificent – talk about a safe space where we are also invited and encouraged to bring our insecurities and questions, our beliefs and prejudices to the table, without fear of being hung out to dry in any way. Those types of settings are gold to me, and I hope you have them in your life too. If you don’t, make them happen. There’s a lot of tankespjärn to be had by hanging in circles where tankespjärn is par for the course. (And by listening to these meandering conversations, but that goes without saying, doesn’t it?)
Links:
Izzy can be found through RedCheeks
Crunchyroll.com for manga, anime and the likes
Run with the Wind (anime)
Esther Perel, author of the book Mating in Captivity
Jocko Willink author of the book Extreme Ownership and host of the Jocko podcast
Jocko Willink on the Tim Ferriss podcast
Diana Chapman on the Tim Ferriss Show
Three podcast episodes form the backbone of mine and Andy’s third meandering conversation. The Gentle Rebel Podcast-episode where Andy himself speaks with Sarah Santacroce about trademark, The Mythic Masculine-episode with Maya Luna about lack, adundance and trust, and how a lack of the two latter creates hoarding, and a conversation on Feel Better Live More between Rangan Chatterjee and Johann Hari where Johann shares a hearbreaking and -warming story from a Berlin council estate.
This fact in and of itself is actually proof (anecdotal as it were) of what we touch upon in one of our many meanders, pointing to the back-and-forth flow that is a part of life. Everything I take in, food, music, literature, experiences, relationships influences me and what I put out into the world. And I want you to take what you can from me, use it, share it, recreate it, get inspired by it. Imagine a world where I d o n ‘ t want you to use the word/concept of tankespjärn?! Wouldn’t that just be the most odd thing ever?
And at the same time, listening to Sarah share her story of a trademark-snafu (to say the least) on Andy’s podcast, really gave me food for thought. It’s just that… it feels wrong to me, to trademark, to fence in, to protect. I don’t want to live life like that, I don’t want to distrust others. But… there’s perhaps a cause for discernment here too? Or, being a subversive gentle rebel for that matter, which is where me and Andy end up after a couple of twists and turns where we provide tankespjärn to each other. Hopefully, to you too!
But. There’s more!
What of the gift economy? And even more so, how well-developed is my ability to give gifts, if a gift means that I have no expectations on the receiver. None. Which means it can be denied, if the intended receiver isn’t served by accepting it. Arghh, I don’t have to look far in my own life to find not just one, but many examples where I’ve supposedly given a gift, that I’ve arms with plenty of expectations. It’s a weaponization of sorts, one that I really want to de-arm. So I have my work cut out for me, that’s for sure.
Yeah.
It’s a good one this. (Too.)
Funnily enough I totally dropped the ball with regards to Andy’s musical album, only remembering after we’d finished talking, so I promise I will pick that one up in our next conversation, because I am so curious to hear how ‘his kids’ (i.e. the thirteen songs that chose to come to him in the fall) are faring!
Links:
Andy Mort
The Gentle Rebel podcast ‘Picking up the pieces when things fall apart (with Sarah Santacroce)’
Creative Commons
Gift Economy
Seth Godin riffs on the gift economy on AKIMBO
Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
The Fundamentalist Podcast on gifts
The art of forgiveness
The Mythic Masculine episode with Maya Luna
Capitalism and Desire by Todd McGowan
Reddy had just returned from two weeks in the Himalayas when we sat down to talk, and this place, this majestic and mythical place, forms the centrepiece for most of our meandering conversation.
The Himalayas, the actual mountains. Huge. Solid. Immovable? Permanent?
Feels like it, at least from the perspective of a human life, which is nothing more than a blink in the longer arc of time that is earth-time, mountain-time. But like everything else, mountains also undergo transformation, along such a long arc of time than it’s hard to fathom. The Alp’s were much higher once, in their youth. Old, jagged, worn down with time. And I don’t even include any marks made by man in this aspect, simply the transformation that time warrants. Through sunshine and rain, temperature shifts and vegetation. Perhaps even a quake or two. The Himalayas are younger, a youth that is visible in their still rugged appearance. Give them another ten-twenty-thirty million years and their characteristic skyline will definitely shift from today.
Reddy had quite the experience on this journey, suffering from diarrhea as well as pulmonary issues, brought about by arrogance according to himself. But not being at his peak trekking the mountains, turned into a gift of sorts, gifted to him by the mountains themselves.
But this is but the start of our meander, which then dives deep down into the soil. Into place. I’ve lived in my house for just over 18 years now, and it feels very much as my place. But I don’t really have a deep ancestral connection to the place as such, the surroundings themselves.
The physical land that we exist on has all the connections that we seek, and the moment we lose the connection with that soil, with the place, with the land we belong to, then we're rootless. Then it doesn't matter. I could belong here. I could belong there. I could stay here. I could stay there. It really doesn't make a difference until I connect. ~Reddy
Turns out, Reddy has what he calls a native tongue that he doesn’t talk. Telugu. During our conversation, he’s rekindling a fervour for flavor, wanting to learn how to cook, and specifically learning to cook traditional dishes of his people. Odds are he’ll pick up some telugu then too, don’t you think?
This is such a deep conversation. Almost all conversations are about growth. And growth is considered as something outward. But we often miss out on the fact that growth comes from the roots that go down deep, inward, not the leaves that spread outward. ~Reddy
So give us a listen, see if this sparks your roots to go down, deep, inward. Maybe there’s some tankespjärn awaiting you there?
Links:
Reddy on Twitter (and me on Twitter)
Part of Reddy’s musings from his trip to The Himalayas
Episode #38 with Matthew and Inma on “plant people, mountain people and such”
Telugu, Reddy’s native language
Tara Wild (Daughters of the Flame)
Both me and Inma read Robin Wall Kimmerers book Braiding Sweetgrass in a reading retreat Zoom-session we attended together, and when we did, Inma said ‘This book is filled with what we’ve been talking about in our pod-conversations with Matthew’. I just started reading it, and even after only reading thirty pages, I totally get what she pointed to.
No surprise then that Robin Wall Kimmerer made her way into this, our third conversation, too, and when Matthew exclaimed “I'm all for not littering but 'leave no trace' is taking it a step to far” I am totally with him.
Humans are a part of the life inhabiting this earth, and as such, we are leaving a trace, as we should, along with everything else. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean that every trace we’re making is beneficial and appropriate, not at all, but… to go so far as to live here, thinking we are the scourge of the earth. Nah. That just doesn’t sit well with me.
In conversation in terms of ”What do we do now? What's happening? How is it gonna end? Is it going to end?” it's easy to be cynical, pessimistic, to lose hope. It looks really dire because it is.
Without discounting the gravity of what's going on in the world, in the relationship between human humans and the earth, the consequences of all our actions… Like I said, without disregarding the gravity of that, there's also space for optimism ~Matthew Word Bain
But that wasn’t where we started our conversation, recorded on January 4th. No, we started with God fortsättning, a Swedish term you’re to say when it’s no longer deemed appropriate to say Happy New Year. God fortsättning kind of translates into Happy continuation, wishing people a good time to come, after the new year has come and gone. From there, we dove into languages, accents and the attitude they carry, how we come to define and know ourselves, and how that’s related to memory, or rather, what we have forgotten about ourselves, spinning us into a long meander about how we are shaped by ourselves and our surroundings.
Like always ‘when we just step into the water together, we allow flow to emerge [so] that we can't not talk about something interesting and of substance and to have it cohere’ which Matthew said towards the end. Inma immediately agreed ‘we are able to navigate the conversation in a way where things that I'm popping on right now in my mind are going to be there somehow, even without an agenda’. It’s a treat to be a part of such meandering conversations as these, and I have a feeling you will find a piece of tankespjärn or two.
Links:
Matthew Word Bain on Medium and Instagram
Inma J Lopez, sommelier and writer on Attention
Robin Wall Kimmerer and Braiding Sweetgrass
Somatic trauma resolution therapist Kate White
Nora Bateson
Dave Snowden
Iain McGilchrist on The Coincidence of Opposites
Iain McGilchrist and The Master and his Emissary
Charles Eisenstein
Bokashi
Inspired by this (the second) conversation with Steve Emery, I just finished listening to The teachings of Don Juan by Carlos Castaneda. In the book, Castaneda speaks a lot about ordinary and non-ordinary reality, something which my experiences through process-oriented therapy and Steve’s work with Internal Family Systems sure weave a colourful tapestry of (or between?) those aspects of reality.
Weird?
Yeah.
That’s the non-ordinary aspect of it.
But not less real. No less a part of reality.
But I promise, there’s more hands-on down-to-earth meanders here too. Like the question I posed when I gave an inspirational talk recently, wanting to provide a touch of tankespjärn:
What can you remove from your life, to make it richer?
One of the things I was thinking of myself when I asked this question, are all the should’s. I should do this, I shouldn’t do that…
Think about it.
Just for a minute.
What have you got in your life that adds to your list of should’s?
It might be a thing. A summer house. A boat, a fancy motorcycle, a gym card.
Or a thought. Diminishing your own self-worth, feelings of jealousy towards a colleague or best friend. Thinking you are too much. Or too little. Not enough.
Like an endless commentary on the inside, making me ask:
What’s it for? How does it serve?
I’ll wager that I am far from alone in having a pile of should’s to untangle. If nothing else, I’ve got Steve to keep me company. As strange as it might sound, we’ve both been helped along by the global Covid-pandemic, which has forced some things out of our lives. And when something is let go, it opens for other things to let come. Same here. Even if part of what’s gotten harder during the pandemic are lovely in and of themselves, like travelling for instance. When it’s not possible, or at least somewhat trickier to do, what’s available close by can be explored in ways never done before. Be it the surrounding area, cities or forests, meadows or ocean fronts, or your own interior realms, I promise there are things there that can make your life richer.
Hopefully, you’ll find some tankespjärn too.
Links:
Steve Emery is most easily found on Color Sweet Tooth
Internal Family Systems
The Storyskills workshop
You can hear Matthew Word Bain on Tankespjärn with Helena Roth too
Arnold Mindell, Process-oriented therapy with Dominic
Active imagination
Knucklebones
Carlos Castaneda and The teaching of Don Juan
Alan Watts’ Being in the Way podcast episode 8: Man and Nature
Robin Wall Kimmerer on On Being
The Creative’s Workshop aka PROn (n being the number of the specific cohort)
Jumping right in, I share my recent reading experience by Victoria Aveyard, Realm Breaker, a young adult fantasy book I really enjoyed. I prefer reading books in English for the simple reason that I enjoy sharing book quotes, and if they are in Swedish the audience is quite a lot smaller than when in English.
Being an avid reader, reading a large quota of English books, this is one reason why my English vocabulary is so well-stocked. Sitting down to write this, I made the connection to what we spend a lot of time meandering about in our conversation, namely RedCheeks, Izzy’s podcast where you can “peek behind the scenes and listen to long-form interviews with people who work with intimacy on screen.”
Izzy:
I’m super happy about this and I'm super excited for things to come because I started saying… Sorry, maybe if you have a question, go ahead and ask, because I started, like, unfolding…
Helena:
Unfold! That's the whole purpose of these conversations. For you to unfold or for us to unfold.
‘So.
Intimacy on screen’, you say.
Yup. The very one. That’s what RedCheeks is all about… except… both me and Izzy agree wholeheartedly that questions relevant to broach when it comes to intimacy on a movie set, are as relevant when it comes to intimacy e v e r y w h e r e !
What am I ok with? What do I feel comfortable doing, or receiving? What do I like? What do I want? And how do I want it? Where’s my boundaries? What am I consenting to? And what about you? How can we keep an ongoing conversation about consent flowing?
Beauty is in discovering all these things about the person you are with. Talking with them, diving deep and just exploring things together. ~Izzy
‘And how does this connect to expanding my English vocabulary through reading’, you ask, scratching your head, somewhat confused…
Well. Simply by having the conversation, asking the question(s), pondering my answer or the answer of my partner, I am expanding my intimacy vocabulary, aren’t I? And that’s a vocabulary that I can carry with me everywhere, because intimacy sure is so much more than bodies naked together in a bed, isn’t it?
I invite you to dive deep into intimacy with me and Izzy here. I’d be very surprised if there wasn’t at least one or two moments of genuine tankespjärn for you here.
Links:Izzy can be found through RedCheeks
Realm Breaker by Victoria Aveyard, a Young Adult fantasy book
Steve Emery, another meandering conversation-partner of mine
Five Corners at Lilith Performance Studio
RedCheeks podcast episode with a sex worker
Maria Appelqvist Ph.D.
Creativity, a form of parenting.
If I were to describe this conversation with Andy Mort, that would be it. How creativity is a form of parenting. With the birth of a creative output of some kind, be it music, writings, art or any number of other possible ‘babies’. Tending to a newborn, quite fragile, needing a lot of attention and care, incapable of caring for itself.
‘Advancing the songs that I talked about last time, which had come out of nowhere and are now growing up very fast, like good little children.’ ~Andy Mort
Before you know it the toddler starts to explore the world, going farther and farther from mother and/or father, becoming a child, a teen, getting ready to go it alone, but still needing that steady rock that a parent (hopefully) is. There, always and already there for one’s child. Suddenly, the day comes when the kid is no longer a kid but a young adult, ready to leave the nest and go out into the world on its own.
‘[…] that would be trying to force a newborn baby to talk or walk before they've naturally got to that place in their development.’ ~Andy Mort
Last time we talked, Andy had just given birth to thirteen songs, and this time, he’s spent some time putting rhythm and a bit of vocals to them, close to having fully formed demo’s, to quote him.
Thing is, when you are busy with a newborn creation (Andy’s thirteen songs, my current project The Book on Fear), it’s so easy to evict the budding teen’s of one’s creative output way before they are ready to stand on their own legs. For Andy, The Return to Serenity Island, a stand-alone-course he set up in the spring. For me, Doing Gentle with an Edge, the e- and audiobook released in the spring.
But then what? Busy with creative newborns, we are very slack parents for our teens. They also need attention (read: marketing, appreciation, being mentioned and introduced to new acquaintances and so on), more than we both give them.
If you are a creative giving birth to creative endeavours outputs, babies of any kind, do you recognise yourself in this analogy? If so, I am betting on you finding a few pieces of tankespjärn here. And if you don’t view yourself as a creative, hm… What if, just maybe, you actually are?
Links:
Andy Mort
The Return to Serenity Island
The intention of a more conscious life, digital and analog
Sudbury schools
Episode 33. The entanglement of grief and gift | with Inma & Matthew
The Creative’s Workshop
Sandra Koenig, my Supercoach Academy colleague from 2014
Doing Gentle with an Edge, the e/audiobook
Reddy showed up in snazzy glasses and a newly painted background wall which set off off in this three-hour conversation. It also inspired me to put on a tiara I’d recently fallen in love with. And I almost don’t know how to even approach that… wearing a tiara is, no, has been, so far away from who I am, or at least from whom I think I am. And then, invited to put one on when I met up with my three wives (long story that one, suffice it to say these are three ladies very dear to my heart. We all have a shared bond that goes deep, and I know that we all know that we are all there for each other.) for a spa-day together, not only did I like what I saw when wearing it, it made me feel good.
“Play is something that cuts across boundaries, borders, cultures, religions, ages, hierarchy, status.” ~Reddy
Invited to play (I mean, putting on a tiara for crying out loud?!), I accepted the invite and all of a sudden, am transformed by the experience! Who knew I am a person who loves wearing a tiara? I sure didn’t, but I am so thrilled to have met that certain someone within me who does. Tiara-lady is certainly part of my crew of Superheroes, which also is something we spend quite a lot of time talking about.
“The individualism involved in dressing up is something I feel is almost lost to most people.” ~Reddy
Part of the reason the tiara clicked for me is how perfectly it matches my beloved GoT-poncho, a poncho I knitted while binge-watching the entire series, and have worn almost on a daily basis ever since. But more than that, it affects my entire physical presence. I have to sit up straight in it, as it’s a tad too big for my head and would fall off otherwise (now I know why royals walk with that regal air!). It’s not uncomfortable though. It’s fun. It makes me experience life from a different outlook than when I don’t have it on.
After me and Reddy had finished recording our marathon-long podcast episode, I had a Teams-meeting with two colleagues, and… I debated whether or not to continue wearing the tiara or not, and… surprise surprise (or not?!) I did. Logging on to Teams I heard one of my colleagues, both of whom I’ve worked closely with for the past year and a half, say “You’re all dressed up, Helena. Looking good in your tiara!”. They know me well, quirks and all, that’s for sure. And I love that!
So, playtime it is, take a listen and let me know what was the biggest piece of tankespjärn for you in this episode!
Links:
Reddy on Twitter (and me on Twitter)
Nudges of intuition
Gabor Maté on Under the skin with Russel Brand
All the times when I’ve forgotten to bring a cassette or find out there's nothing in the machine, or I forget a push record, it's always like, oh, that was the most precious thing that you could ever have recorded.
And I think of it like libations, like the original Greek notion of libations of this sacrificial offering. We use libations in terms of drinking, but that's just an adulteration of the original meaning, where you'd pour wine into the ocean or onto the sand just as you would sacrifice the thigh bones and stuff. I always think of it like libations to the recording gods. ~Matthew
Yeah, don’t I ever know it. And I am sure you do too. Perhaps for recording, perhaps in not managing to take a photograph of a perfect moment, or…
The quality of conversation I had with Alison and Gary of season one, before this pod-series was in the process, had me thinking more than once that I so wished we’d been recording. The wisdom, love and respect and insights shared… libations to the recording gods, for sure.
After me, Matthew and Inma finished talking about not recording the best conversations, we meandered around grief and gifts for the better part of the rest of the conversation.
The embodiment reaction of them both. The similarity of sensation in the body as they engulf you. The gift of memories arising again through grieving. How grief and gift, or sorrow and joy, go hand in hand, in harmony with one another, like two sides to a coin, rather than opposites.
Can you feel the mass of unresolved grief carried both individually and collectively in our society, a mass that’s only ever growing that Matthew speaks to? And what if… if we, if I, learn to grieve, to be with grief, perhaps there’s an opportunity there? What might open up for us all in learning to grieve on a culture-wide basis? Like the release of disharmony of two notes sung, two notes just next to each other, causing tension, before, at long last, being released into a more harmonious coupling? Might that release be experienced on a more collective level? Who knows.
I invite you to step into the world of grief and gifts, and be assured there’s some tankespjärn for you here, this time around too.
Matthew Word Bain on Medium and Instagram
Inma J Lopez, sommelier and write on Attention
https://www.sheldrake.org/audios/the-sheldrake-mckenna-abraham-trialogues
Jeremy Irons reads The Alchemist
The Art of Is and Free Play by Stephen Nachmanovitch
The Trialogues with McKenna, Abraham and Sheldrake
Iain McGilchrist on The Coincidence of Opposites
Iain McGilchrist and The Master and his Emissary
Tankespjärn community
Martín Prechtel
Jean Vanier on On Being in ’The Wisdom of Tenderness’
Steve Emery’s an active member of the tankespjärn-community, a participant in many of the monthly calls. I can count on him to be open, curious and thoughtful, willing to listen and equally willing to share, so no wonder I found myself wanting to ask him to play with me in season two of the pod. Receiving his Yes had me jumping up and down in anticipation of getting to spend quality time with him recording our five meandering conversations.
Steve is yet another gift courtesy of Matthew, and I’ve been privy to witness Steve’s creativity in an online forum we’re all a part of. And oh, what an interesting and gifted creator/artist/painter he is! I’ve learned a lot about creativity and playing with various ways in to creative expressions and that’s what we dive straight into here as one of the questions he’s been asking for the past year or two is How do I let my body drive my creative work?
I’ve done a lot of work rekindling my conscious connection with my body, experiencing myself as a talking head for many many years (you know, a brain ensconced in a head, atop two feet that do an ok job of transporting said brain from one place to another) but have never done what Steve is doing. Which, from my perspective, is a way to come at creativity from the body, and not the intellect. It has him dancing in his studio before putting pen to paper or brush to canvas.
And that… got us going.
Dancing.
Breathing.
Taking cold showers/baths.
Hanging from a beam or door posts.
Walking barefoot or at least in barefoot shoes.
But we actually started with Steve talking about the two-week family retreat he just got back from, spent sans internet. Which certainly opens for connecting to other things than what you can connect to online. Which for him means painting. A lot. Daily. Towards the end of the conversation Steve fetched some of his drawing pads and started flicking through them. If you are listening to this, please check out Steve’s website at Color Sweet Tooth so you get to experience his creativity all on your own.
Oh.
Yeah, you just might find some tankespjärn here too.
Links:
Steve Emery is most easily found on Color Sweet Tooth
Going postal by Terry Pratchett
The Gift by Lewis Hyde
Six drawing lessons by William Kentridge
Steve-style Paper Maquettes
Alan Seale, PCC
The watercolor/wax-resist frog
Getting bears
Maria Vildhjärta, the artist preferring peeps under the age of ten
James Nestor on breath - find further links here
Wanna try mouth-breathing? Here’s an easy trick!
Matthew from episode 28 hooked me up with Izzy, and we had a Zoom together. She’s got an interesting background that she shared with me, so I asked if she was interested in continuing the conversation with me, as one of my conversation partners for season two. Indeed she was, and here’s our first meet-up.
When we got on Zoom I’d just gotten back from taking a barefoot walk, which turned into a somewhat surprising starting point which led us down a long meandering conversation that centers a lot on barefoot walking and -shoes, jujitsu and lindy hop, going to the gym and moving your body in ways that are beneficial, but also on mental health, burnout and how karma bites you in the ass…
Izzy shared with me that she’s going through a burnout, and when I asked about it she responded with a question. How do you feel when you're out of a burnout? It’s a valid question, and one I guess there’s as many answers to as there are people experiencing burnout.
I also find that doing activities like going to the gym, training, doing martial arts helps me to deal with things. Now when I was going through the burnout, jujitsu was the thing that helped me cope, like I somehow found a strength to deal with other things. ~Izzy
Listening to Izzy share how physical activity has been such a crucial part of how she’s processing her burnout, voiced as a realization that physical activities are necessary for mental health. I think they are too, even though the level of activity must be correlated to what each individual is capable of. And it doesn’t have to be physical activity that get’s you all sweaty to be good for you. Actually, I believe many people lack an awareness of just how beneficial is can be to take a slow walk, if only for a few minutes, outside. And if you can do it barefoot, all the better, as that will help ground yourself even more.
Tankespjärn? Yeah, I’m sure you’ll find a nugget or two!
Links:
Izzy can be found through Redcheeks
Or on Instagram
Walkfeeling Academy
Doing Gentle with an Edge (e- or audio-book)
Caspian found Andy for me. I’d asked him to find some Instagram-accounts that might be of interest for me to follow and interact with, but he gave me a few bonuses. One of them was Andy, where he wrote ’Not an IG acc either, but a well worth read and possible friend’ adding a link to a piece entitled Gentleness is strength.
I read it, loved it, and proceeded to find Andy on Twitter (he does have an IG-account too). Really enjoying what I saw and heard from him, I sent him a DM, and two months later we recorded a conversation for his pod, and we both knew that wasn’t the last conversation we’d be having.
When season two rolled around, I asked, he said yes, and here’s our first in this series of five meandering conversations. And we dive straight into the creativity of everyday life. Andy is bubbling as thirteen songs had just come to him.
That’s never ever happened to me (I’ve had a heck of a lot of blog posts come that way though), so I just cannot help myself. Having a genuine songwriter and musician in front of me (on Zoom), I get to ask all the questions I’ve always wanted to ask, about what writing songs really means, how it’s done (or, at least, how Andy does it), and it’s fascinating.
Lo and behold, no one will be surprised to hear that songwriting was just the first of a number of meanders that we engaged in, including coaching, relationships (or relating, with a nod to Reddy), personal development or expansion, even though I don’t think we ever used those words.
But there’s more.
Books. Rereading books, and why that is such a fascinating concept. You know. You read a book and love it, and come across it years later, rereading it… and perhaps think What on earth was I thinking? This is utter rubbish! or you go even deeper in understanding, loving it even more. Both of these reactions (and any other reaction possible) is a testament to growth. Development. Expansion. Shifting, as a human being, with other perspectives, insights, experiences. All of it impacts and/or influences how I meet the world (and myself!) and rereading books is such a fun mirror of this process.
Coaching, marketing, desire and wants leading us to whole body yeses and no’s… Yeah, you’ll be able to find some tankespjärn in this one for sure!
Links:
Andy Mort
Andy Mort's community
Tankespjärn (with Helena Roth) on The Gentle Rebel podcast
Anderson .Paak & The Free Nationals on Tiny Desk
Diana Chapman on the Tim Ferriss Show
Find me as @helenaroth on Goodpods and start to engage please!
Capitalism and Desire: The Psychic Cost of Free Markets by Todd McGowan
Deeper Dating by Ken Page
Reddy.
What a character.
And wise.
Our paths crossed on Twitter, which led him to ask if I wanted to do a Racket with him on tankespjärn. Sure, I said, as I am wont to do, finding a calendly-slot later that evening. We hooked up, had a blast talking and doing that Racket, so before ending out, I don’t know, in total 30 minute conversation, I’d asked him if he wanted one of the slots for season two of meandering conversations. He said Sure, as he is wont to do, and not even twenty-four hours after first contact, we were recording this conversation.
Reddy is a whirlwind, high energy, with a lively mind and lots of tankespjärn to share, and I cannot wait to speak to him again. However, first things first.
You could say we started a relationship on that Thursday when we first hooked up on Twitter. But Reddy would name it otherwise. He actually dislikes the word relationship, pointing to its transactional vibe:
”A ship is something that takes someone from point A to point B and that’s such a finite journey. Jump on here and jump off there. End of story.”
Relate on the other hand has him waxing lyrical:
”Relating is a verb, relate is like present continuous […]
When I say I'm relating, it's something I'm doing, I denote action. But the moment I use the word in my head, ’relationship’ feels like a noun, something that's just there. It's not something that requires my input. Because relate and relating are action-oriented words that require me to be doing something, to be connecting, to be relating. Where as a relationship just feels like I'm in it. I don't have to do anything. The ship’s going to take me when it's going to go. And I kind of use it as an excuse to relinquish responsibility.”
Words matter.
And… so does the body. Which is actually where we spend the better part of these two hours of relating. On pandiculation (don’t know what that is? Imagine a cat getting up from having taken a nap, slowly stretching their entire body? That’s pandiculation. When you wake in the morning, stretch your arms above your head and yawn? That’s pandiculation.), walking barefoot, backwards, on all fours… you name it, we go there!
I promise there’s plenty of tankespjärn for you in this one!
Links:
Reddy on Twitter (and me on Twitter)
Our first conversation, a 9-minute Racket
Pseudonymous economy
The Erotic Mind, Jack Morin, Ph.D
Matthew & Inma, meet them both in episode 28
Dain Heer, Embodiment
Merlin Sheldrake, Entangled life
The Tankespjärn Patroon-community
Tankespjärn monthly Zoom-call on Gifting
When I started thinking of season two of meandering conversations I got the idea to shake it up a bit. What about having a conversation with not just one but two people?
That’s why, here, you will meet both Matthew Word Bain –dear friend and wise soul, lover of creativeexpressions, taking form in the world through words, prose and poetry alike, photographs, music, video, and a knowledge that he’s ever so generously sharing, with me and many others. If I had to use one word for him, I’d say Curious.– and Inma J. Lopez –equally dear friend and magician of sensations, tastes, textures, as a sommelier and foodie she invites and entices me to discovering dimensions to food and drink in ways I’ve never before experienced them. She uses the word Attention, and yes, attentive is definitely what I perceive Inma as– both of whom are members of the Creative Community born in August of 2020 after the end of first cohort of The Creative’s Workshop. Funnily enough neither Matthew nor Inma has taken that specific workshop, yet…
We’ve been having many conversations amongst the three of us for the past year, and it’s always energizing and bubbling, meandering wildly, and after one of those sessions in June I popped the question to them both, if they would consider being a part of the second podcast-season. As you can surmise, they both said Yes!
Networks, mycelium, fungi, community, play, exploration. Place and space. Development.
All of these (and more, many more) are words/concepts we’ve been circling round and round for the past year, and we dive straight into some of them in this the first recorded conversation of ours too.
How communities build, form, change, how they cultivate their very own and special culture fascinates us all, with The Creative Community as a very tangible entity all of its own. And how to enrich a community such as ours? How to connect to, and interact with, other communities? Where to find them? How to reach out? What to do together, how to play, explore, experiment, help nourish each other?
And what’s the place of the giants here? Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and the likes. Do they help? Or hinder?
Looking at that, and taking the perspective of local - national - global informed us, and… well. Just listen. I promise there’s some tankespjärn for you here!
Links:
Matthew Word Bain on Medium and Instagram
Inma J Lopez, sommelier and write on Attention
Creative Gallery - illustrating some of what the Creative Community embodies
The Creative’s Workshop
AKIMBO workshops
Letterists
Situationists
Psychogeography
Clean Language
Buddhas by the roadside
The past season of ’Tankespjärn with Helena Roth’ is a series of five meandering conversations each with five people, a total of twenty-five episodes. No agenda, no time constraints, no purpose to fulfill as such, other than showing up and responding to what shows up.
It’s been magic, and I love the diversity of these conversations. We’ve roamed the world together. Both the external world, but also, especially, the world(s) within us.
When you get really naked, then your boundaries expand. ~ Gary
This is the second of two episodes (check out episode 26 if you haven’t already) where me and my pod-conversation partners –this time around with Alison Coates and Gary Breads– reflect together on the past season in the company of Caspian Almerud, acting as the moderator. It’s an attempt to tie it all together, but also a way for me to get ready for season two.
To get to meet all of you in this nakedness and rawness and the sometimes challenging conversations, it's been really, really nice. ~Caspian
It has been. Magical even.
And. I want people who listen to know that this type of conversation is haveable. Not just for me and my wonderful friends, but also for you.
Like Mayke said towards the end of episode 26, these conversations want to go and multiply themselves. That is where you come in. Ask yourself the same question Alison asked herself here:
If I was to choose five people to have [five] conversations with, who would they be?
[…a conversation] can't get to that level of intimacy in five minutes.
Or maybe you can, once you've done the groundwork. ~ Alison
What would it take for you to take a first step towards doing your own 5 x 5 conversations (and I don’t mean you have to record them and release them into the world as a pod, even though if you did, I’d love to listen in! So if you do, please let me know, ok?)?
Here’s some tankespjärn and a challenge for you:
Are you up for the challenge to initiate 5 x 5 conversations in your own life?
Links:
Spending magical spaces of time with people you love
Approaching the end of my 5 x 5 conversations for this season of ’Tankespjärn with Helena Roth’ I get the idea to do a joint conversation with everyone involved, as a way to share and reflect together on what this experience has been like. I invited Caspian Almerud to moderate, and for those who haven’t figured it out, without Caspian there would be no pod! I record conversations, check for snippets and write the episode descriptions, and he does everything else.
With seven people spread across the globe, finding one time that suited us all turned out to be impossible. So we divided it up, into a 3 + 2-set up, where this is the first, featuring me and Caspian in conversation with Mayke Vullings, Frank Ebbert and Beverly Delidow.
I'm so blessed to spend time with people who nourish me with the beauty of words, the beauty of phrases, the beauty of silence.
~Helena
I got teary-eyed more than once, or… who am I kidding?
Four, five times at least, having to snivel and dry my eyes, in awe of what I heard, felt, saw.
You have to trust the person you're interacting with. I do.
And then you have to trust yourself, which is sometimes the bigger question.
~Beverly
Creating space for the other to hear themselves.
~Mayke
Let the world be beautiful and me be within.
~Frank
During this conversation I receive an insight.
These conversations have played a bigger part of my life in the past six months, then I’ve previously been aware of. Sitting like this, reflecting and listening together, I realize I’ve been having five times the amount of conversations as the others. Five long meandering conversations with each of five most remarkable persons. That’s twenty-five conversations, none shorter than one hour twenty minutes, the longest two hours fifty, and then… going through each transcript, listening to the snippets from each, and writing an episode description. All adding to the time I’ve spent on this. I’ve immersed myself in this project for at least one hundred hours in the past six months. And that’s probably cutting it short. Say two hundred? Perhaps even more…
No wonder!
How could something so immersive not have an impact on me?
An impact that ripples out into all other areas of my life.
There has been magic in all of these conversations. That's sort of what ties them together.
~ Caspian
It sure is.
And what a lovely common thread, magic.
Now there’s some tankespjärn for you. Perhaps?
How can you invite more magic into your life?
Fifth and final meandering conversation with Gary, in this season. Not my last conversation with Gary, luckily enough. And… that’s actually part of what we speak about, sparked by a tweet I recently came across, saying finding an awesome circle of friends is pure luck.
It is so not luck that’s gotten me to a place where I have an amazing circle of friends, spanning the globe, friends I have the most rich and nourishing conversations, interactions and experiences with. That doesn’t just happen. And is definitely not something that occurs as a consequence of luck.
It takes effort (not efforting!), energy, work (or play, for that matter!), discernment. It requires that I am interested in others, open and vulnerable, willing to extend an invitation that might or might not be accepted by the awesome people I'm drawn to.
An amazing circle of friends is something that you create and curate.
Consciously.
And as we wrap this conversation up, and I ask Gary what his reflection on having partaken in this experiment of meandering conversations, he says I’m living my life in a deeper way than I've ever been able to.
I listen to him say this, and I feel it. I feel him.
And again, I extend my gratefulness for having people like Gary in my life. For having curated my life in such a way that I do. And it’s available, for you too.
Like I said, it's not luck. I'm not here through luck. If it's possible for me to do this, it is possible for you. You can find people that pique your interest, but you have to tend the soil, water and nourish, weed and harvest, prepare, cook and set the table. If you do, there will be an amazing circle of friends in you life too. You will make it happen, by carefully and intentionally utilizing the Law of Attraction and the Law of Action (for whatever reason, the latter law is the lesser known cousin, but without it, it won’t happen. Whatever it is. And yes. You can read that as a promise.)
Now there’s some tankespjärn for you.
Links:
The Alphabet Versus the Goddess: The Conflict Between Word and Image, by Leonard Shlain
I should to have a plan, and I don’t, she said, Alison, two thirds of the way through her Scottish Adventure, when we hooked up for this fifth and final pod-conversation.
Alison have sent me photos from her travels, photos of the most amazing vistas with rapidly shifting weather conditions, awakening my one true remaining travel-longings… to do Scotland alone. Much in the way Alison is doing it, without a set agenda, with nowhere to go, nowhere to be, except… wherever inclination, opportunity and chance invites me. Some day. I am in no rush.
Alison is, in her own words, doing a sort of reconnaissance mission, getting an overview of Scotland, letting her nose guide her. With two weeks to go before having to be back in England, a limitation is making itself known, opening up for a meandering conversation around the need to make a plan.
Because that’s where we took off. (At no surprise to either of us.)
She had/has a plan, in my view, as she’s very obviously in Scotland. But what Alison meant was a more detailed plan… deciding now what to do, where to go, for the next two weeks, maximizing her expirations before returning to England…
And just saying this has her burst out that it fills me with horror, which I think is probably an interesting microcosm of the macrocosm of my life… so why would she?
”I don't want to miss any sort of opportunity in the moment. I want the freedom for spontaneity, but I don't know. I'm really curious about where that stops because it's been my life for three years that I refuse to be committed to something external.”
Listening to her, I wonder if she isn’t making the ultimate commitment, to herself, by not committing to external things (house, job, etc)? By allowing life to enfold, rather than plan for it to happen a specific way, at a given time, isn’t this how life on earth takes place? Planning, on the other hand, seems to be a modern invention.
And don’t get me wrong. Plans can be very useful and life-saving even, and yet, I’ve come across a lot of people who are afraid to even take a first step, because they don’t know the full plan, and thus, get stuck. Not daring to take the first step, because they don’t know what might lie ten, fifty, three hundred steps ahead…
What might happen if, instead, I ask what my basic needs are, now, today?
What is it that I want now?
What encounters might happen without the restriction of time?
Now there’s some lovely tankespjärn for you, courtesy of the gloriously gorgeous Scottish Highlands!
Links:
Antifragile by Nassim Nicholas Taleb
Braiding sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
Inner work.
Do you do it?
If so, who, within you, is the one who does it?
Say whuuuut, you might ask, but bear with me a moment.
When I realized I had an Inner Dictator, or rather, that the internal voice most prevalent in my inner dialogue was this Dictator… I also learned that I didn’t have to take these words as truth. That was when I started on the journey of learning how to do gentle with myself.
Because of that, I stopped being afraid of myself, stopped shying away from looking too deep within, for fear of what I might find, and started to meet people, truly meet them, as I was more curious about what might happen within me as a result of the connection, rather than be fearful of it.
I’ve recently understood how fortunate I was that these two insights hooked up, when I saw what might have happened had I not stopped being so harsh with myself, if I’d stayed there, instead of gone down the path to doing gentle (with an edge).
I think this is why this made such an impact when I read it:
”The decisive heart-searching is the beginning of the way in man's life; it is, again & again, the beginning of a human way. But heart-searching is decisive only if it leads to the way. For there is a sterile kind of heart-searching, which leads to nothing but self-torture, despair & still deeper enmeshment.”
It’s a paragraph from The Way of Man by Martin Buber, a book I’d just read when me and Mayke had our fifth pod-conversation. It turned into the center point of our conversation, as I was reminded of this over and over again as we spoke, to the extent that in the end I ran to fetch it, to read this passage aloud.
Both me and Mayke are very fond of doing The Work, inspired by Byron Katie’s terminology, and in no way do I want to muddy the waters for anyone. Doing my inner work has gotten me to a place, a space, where I absolutely love living life as me. If I hadn’t done the work, I doubt I’d say that. But it’s equally true that if I’d kept at The Work without learning how to do gentle with myself, I can guarantee I’d not be here, loving living life as we, not even close.
So, when doing inner work, ask yourself who, within me, is doing the work? Through who's eye-balls am I seeing this?
It matters. A lot.
Asking yourself these questions provides an interesting starting point for continues inner work, because different aspects of me will see different things, some of which might serve me more than others.
Now, there’s some tankespjärn for you!
Links:
The Way of Man by Martin Buber
A day at the park
Oh.
Part of the process of releasing these podcast episodes, has me reading through the transcript of the conversation, picking out short parts that Caspian will then turn into raw snippets, that I listen to and verify their title, before he brands them.
Optimally, I do this just before I sit down to write the episode description, as it brings the conversation fresh into my mind, and that’s precisely where I am at right now.
And as I listened to Beverly musing on belief-systems, finding your own values, and recognizing humanity in self and others, I… had to listen again, and again. Finding it such an insightful and important musing on being, and becoming, human, that I wonder if this might be the snippet amongst snippets, my favorite from all the snippets from all the episodes.
What brought us to this piece of the meandering conversation was Beverly telling me of a course on professionalism she’s developing for med(icine) students. I read a tweet how med students seem to lack humanity, what are they actually taught during med school that takes it out of them? or something of the sort. This is the opposite of what my mom, an MD, specialized as a general practitioner, has heard from her patients throughout her career. Possibly on account of her going into medicine after already having gone to university obtaining a teachers degree, and working for a decade or so. Somehow, from the very beginning, this has given her an advantage over many med students who come to the profession straight out of school/college. And I think humanity might be the secret ingredient here. My mom had already lived life, had gotten a degree, married, had two kids, divorced before she went to med school. From that starting point, she met her patients.
Beverly says They need to find a center for themselves. In order to recognize humanity in others, they have to recognize it in themselves.
Yes.
Valid for future physicians for sure.
But more than that, right?
I mean, is there anyone, regardless what they do for a living, who would not be served by finding that center within themselves? That center where your values reside, enabling you to put words to them. Values are visible by how you are in the world, how you show up, but I don’t have to go further than to myself, to know that I’ve not always been in touch with them enough to be able to name them.
There's plenty of tankespjärn for all to be had here!
Links:
Episode 20 with Gary on connection
Nadia Bolz-Weber
The promise of a pencil by Adam Braun
The OnBeing episode I mentioned I’m not sure I found, but here’s two that are good and point to the same thing, the second possibly being ”the one":
https://onbeing.org/programs/sarah-bassin-and-abdullah-antepli-holy-envy-feb2018/
https://onbeing.org/programs/his-holiness-the-14th-dalai-lama-of-tibet-jonathan-sacks-katharine-jefferts-schori-seyyed-hossein-nasr-pursuing-happiness/
Having the fifth and final round of (recorded) conversations with my fellow explorers of this first season of meandering conversations, I vacillate in feelings. Elated at all I’ve learned through the process. Thrilled at getting to know these five souls better. Amazed at witnessing myself in the company of each and every one of them and how that me kind of shape shifts and stays very true to who I am, all at once. Sad at knowing the season is coming to an end. Curious as to what might become of the second season, where three of five slots have been filled so far. Reassured in the knowledge that each of these five people will remain in my life even if we won’t be recording our conversations (or perhaps we will?).
Fifth times a charm (well, no, it’s the third time, but hey, artistic freedom, right?!), and me and Frank just cannot help ourselves… so yeah. We do speak a lot about buildings and architecture. But even as we do that, during the conversation, it strikes me how our thoughts take flight into all sorts of weird and seemingly not-related topics.
Leadership and managementHave you ever given this a thought: the way an office building/work place is designed will –or at least is likely to– have an impact on what leadership issues and problems arise there. I hadn’t. Thanks to Frank, now I have.
Life-cycle management and the notion of the seven generationsWhen you buy a car you also get a service book telling you in no uncertain terms precisely what you need to do to ensure the car is kept in good condition. That’s possibly the most commonly know example of life-cycle management.
Roads are no different; bridges, buildings, and all things constructed, are the same. Not all of these come with a maintenance manual, even though many do. That doesn’t mean the advice is heeded unfortunately.
“There isn't a skylight that I've met that's going to last as long as an owner doesn't want to fix it.”Not taking action and performing preventive maintenance is truly shortsighted… which brought us into the notion of the seven generations. All sorts of questions pop into my head, like When you buy something, do you consider the possible impact the manufacturing of that good has had? Or how long it will last? And what happens with it, once it’s no longer usable?
Those are only two of the many meanders we visited in this the-longest-of-them-all-conversation. There are plenty more awaiting you when you press play.
Now, there’s some tankespjärn for you!
Links:
Virginia Tech
Bauhaus
Frank Lloyd Wright
The Exploratorium, San Francisco
Robert and Frank Oppenheimer
Björn Lomberg
Gary (Breads, my meandering conversation-partner of this podcast episode) volunteers as an interfaith chaplain at a local hospital, something that has us diving deep into the concept (? Is that what it is?) of connection. When I did SuperCoach Academy in 2014, one of four weekends was dubbed connection weekend. The message from Michael Neil was that connection is already there. It’s not something we have to create, because it is the base, always and already there.
Gary gave me some tankespjärn when it comes to connection, because I’ve been confusing it with the pull of wanting connection. Now and again, Gary comes across a patient at the hospital who asks him to leave their room, they are not interested in his offering of presence, silence, prayer, conversation, or whatever it might be. The push of not wanting connection, in essence, and Gary said But that’s still connection. Regardless if it’s a pull towards or a push to put more distance between you, it’s still all about connection.
Huh!
I found that so interesting.
What Gary does when a patient is clear in asking him to leave again, is honor them. That’s the best way he can show respect to them, by honoring their wishes. Listening to Gary speak about what might happen within him when this occurs, makes me treasure him even more, as it’s so apparent that he does his homework. If someone asks him to leave, that’s all about them, but it might well be a trigger for something within Gary to open up. Being rejected. Not wanted. Perhaps feeling insignificant or without value. Tending to himself, not in that moment, because he’s there in a professional context (regardless of being a volunteer or not), but not pushing it to the side. It’s important to deal with our own stuff, also because it helps keep us resourced to manage similar situations in the future, possibly minimizing the trigger-effect.
As a professional coach, I always meet with potential clients before agreeing to work together. In essence, we are both auditioning for each other, because I want the pull to be there. For both of us. But not all professions have this opportunity. A teacher is to teach all the students placed in his or her class. A physician is faced with the patients that cross their path, and they are bound by the hippocratic oath to tend to them. Regardless if the connection, always and already present, gives off vibes that repels or draws closer. That’s where the professional floor, that me and Frank spoke about in episode 17, is so crucial. Where in your life are you faced with having to step up to this professional floor, regardless if you want to or not?
Now there’s some tankespjärn for you.
Links:
Supercoach Academy and Michael Neill
Episode 17 We don’t prepare, yet magic keeps happening
In August of 2020 I started a deep dive into shame, as shame was the Big Boss of the level of life that I’m currently at. I’d gotten through all the minor level-bosses, but had only circled the remaining one, and a year ago, I was done circling. It was time to dive deep into it, and many a conversation with Alison have touched upon the topic of shame and what I’ve found while exploring and playing around with the concept and my own reactions, responses and reveals…
One of them, have been my insight that I’ve been lax at honoring myself with saying Yes when I am a yes, and No when I am a no. All too many times I’ve done the opposite. Said yes when I really didn’t want to, and no when I really did. It’s kind of absurd to become aware of this pattern of mine, and especially so when I fully took in the fact that the more you mean to me, the harder it’s been for me to honor myself and my wishes, needs, desires.
In our fourth conversation, we speak a lot about this, me and Alison. She’s easy to talk to, and I love how her mind connects dots that take our meanderings further afield, which is the very backbone of these conversations. Not knowing where we’ll get to; not even having a defined starting point, besides showing up at the designated time and place.
Alison asks me how I will know when I’m done with my deep dive, and… she makes me think. I don’t know that I know what will make me say Done, but that piece about the Yeses and No’s feels significant. Perhaps, I will be done with Shame, the Big Boss of the level of life I am at, when it’s not my default to go against my own wishes, needs, desires? When the balance starts to shift, from a majority of Yes when no, No when yes, to more Yes when yes, No when no’s?
One of the dots Alison connects is a realization of the importance of knowing who you are for, or not. As a service provider, if you fumble and falter, going I’m probably not for you, you sure give off completely different vibes than when you state (because it is more of a statement, isn’t it?) I am not for you. Or for that matter, I am most definitely for you.
Clarity is kindness links these two threads, the Yes/No’s and Who I’m for, because the clearer I am, to me, to you, the kinder I also am. And the easier it is to honor not just me, and my time and energy, but yours as well.
This, and much more, in my fourth conversation with Alison, and surely, there will be some tankespjärn there for you as well.
Links:
Predictably irrational, book by Daniel Ariely
In the fourth conversation with Mayke we get real. Again. As always. Mayke is nervous, and wise as she is, she’s learned in life to start where she’s at. Real conversations. That’s what these conversations are, for me. Had a friend tell me he listened to the pod. He said he liked it, so I asked what it was he liked? That was his answer too. It’s real conversations.
Inspired by Seth Godin, I riff how going from the 12-set box of crayons to the 64-set the world becomes more nuanced, richer and of greater depth. He spoke about this in an AKIMBO-podcast episode, using the greater nuance of colors as vital to a painter as a well-stocked vocabulary of words is to a writer. With an increase in available words, or colors, the world is expanded.
Therapy is helping me do the same, as I (re-)discover characters within, or aspects of me. What makes it discoveries such as these more valuable for me is writing it down as well as speaking it through. So having conversations like these is definitely of great help for me, as I ”become human again”, to use the words of Mayke. It’s a way to flesh out those inner characters and aspects, in ways that bring me away from the dichotomy of Good or Bad, more into a state of Yin and Yang. How things within contains a drop of, or a portal into, something else, seemingly opposite, but perhaps rather complementary. Of use at times, where the ability to use discernment is key.
The more I get to know myself, the less afraid I am of all of me, be it light- or shadow-sides, the more I can see, and understand, and honor, all sides of others. It’s kind of like going from the 12-color crayon set to the box of 64, I get better at deciphering more nuances of humanity, more aspects of being human. That’s an outcome, but not an intentional one. It just so happens, when I dive deeper into me, understanding, discovering, exploring ever more, it simultaneously becomes easier to see others. Perhaps it’s as if the resonance box that I am, in relation to others, is increased? Making it possible to pick up more vibrations, other frequencies than before.
And that’s just the bonus of diving deep within.
Quite a fantastic side-effect, don’t you think?
(There’s some tankespjärn for you!)
Links:
AKIMBO: A billion dollars worth of words
Today is another day.
What worked yesterday, was a thrill last week, made me feel on top of the world last month.. might not work at all, make me shrug my shoulders or feel at the bottom of the barrel today.
Because today is another day.
And it all depends.
On my state of mind. How much sleep I’ve gotten lately. What food I’ve ingested, and how much or little. Whether or not there’s a cold lurking in the bushes, I’ve had a fight with my kids or there’s a massive headwind.
It all depends.
So comparing my performance of today, with that of tomorrow, should be done with a gentleness, taking heed of factors that might have an impact.
This.
But one of many meanders of mine and Frank’s in this episode, which, just as every conversation has been, neither one of us comes ”prepared for”. And the beauty of it is, that ”it happens” anyway. Starting with a hello, passing over the hot weather end June/beginning July, 2021, relocating in childhood, the strategic airlift command of the United States Air Force, flying in the era of Covid-19, landing in whether or not it’s common that people do life reviews.
Frank thinks No, it’s not common. I am prone to agree.
Perhaps because I’m not sure I’ve ever truly done one myself, even though in one sense I probably live a continuous life review, being an avid Observer with a lot of reflecting going on.
Some questions to ponder might be:
These past years, what’s it been like? Looking forward x years, what do I want? Where do I want to go? How do I want to feel? Who do I want to surround myself with? Are there experiences that I want to experience and how can I plan for that? Are there experiences I really don't want to have happen again? And how do I ensure that? Generally, as well as in specific areas of life, what takes my energy? What gives me energy?
Add/Subtract and play around with other questions, remember to be gentle with yourself in the process and have fun. That is, if you’re willing to take on the tankespjärn of actually sitting with this for a while?
My fourth conversation with Beverly Delidow of Here’s a Quarter takes place after she’s returned from a two-week photographic journey to Iceland and Grimsö.
An intended 24-hr-visit to Iceland for me and my family, upon returning from Seattle/Vancouver in 2016, was cut short to 6 hours during which we managed to visit The Blue Lagoon, because I’d botched the time zone-differences upon booking our flights. Oops…
Beverly, on the other hand, have been to Iceland twice, on trips specifically designed to photograph birds, and as she leans into the vista she uses as a background on Zoom, we agree to being women of wide spaces. This was something I discovered, physically, upon a visit to New York in 2014. After a few days in the city, this city of vertical buildings and lines, I came to Central Park, saw the horizon and felt, literally, my entire body relax.
Upon arriving to the island, before having a chance to actually rest after the travels, Beverly was asked if she wanted to join the rest of the gang to go visit an active volcano. However travel-weary one would be, that definitely is a really hard question to turn down. So she didn’t!
People were generally respectful of the power of the stuff and they're already making plans. It's like, okay, we need to rebuild some roads. And you know, they just take it in stride. This is what our land does. This is what we're doing to respond to it.
Sense of place.
How much of that sense of place, the ability to know where you live and what the appropriate response is, is lost when we move hither and dither, across countries or even borders, shifting habitats, and possibly loosing our grounding to a place, our place?
When you have a history and a sense of place, having lived your entire life there, a place where your family has been rooted for hundreds of years, your response to what happens in that place is likely really different than that of someone who’s lived there a year and a half.
Looking around me, at our modern, globetrotting ex-pat-filled world, I wonder at that. How much of the distancing from what is not manmade can be impacted by this rootlessness?
Now there’s some tankespjärn for you!
Links:
Cows, pigs, wars and witches by Marvin Harris
The Mythic Masculine podcast episode 42 with Maya Luna and episode 43 with Zhenevere Sophia Dao
Michael Pollan The Botany of Desire
The first time I am conscious of having met Gary was in an Open Mic-session in The Creative’s Workshop, when he read a piece (oh. what. a. piece!) that somehow gave me a permission slip to read a post I’d written a few years earlier, entitled Bliss. I’d never attended Open Mic before, and was a bit concerned that Bliss would be too much.
Turned out.
It wasn’t.
Being in conversation with Gary is, for me, like I’m given an ongoing permission slip. One where I, we, are just a thought away from to the intimacy and sensuality of everyday life. Like the sensuality in my garden, when the giant poppies start to bloom, and I cannot step foot there without being overwhelmed by the lusciousness and sensuality of them.
When the first bud opens, revealing its red, floppy, crêpe-like petals… there, in all its splendor! The next day, there's ten. The next day, there's twenty. A week later they're all gone. All that remains are the seed-pods, as gorgeous as the actual flowers, with a totally different character to them.
Allowing myself to dive into the experience of them…. ah!
I share that.
In one of our meanders.
But we pass through a lot more, as we walk together, hand in hand, metaphorically, me and Gary.
One of the more meaningful ones, having both me and Gary go silent for a bit, feeling into it, centered on a place to land. How, sometimes, when you speak to someone, what you say, has a place to land in them. How that feels. The ease of it, within me, experiencing how my words lands in someone else. And the pain if/when they don’t. When what I am speaking cannot land, it’s as if they go homeless. Lost. Nowhere to perch, nowhere to rest.
Growing up, I oftentimes kept things within. I did not even give myself the opportunity to have it land in another person. But when my first marriage fell apart, for the wellbeing of myself as well as my unborn child, I made a conscious decision to shift. I would no longer keep everything within, because if I did, I knew we’d not survive, me and my child.
Not everything can –or even should– land in everyone.
You might have words you need to speak, that I am not capable of receiving. And vice versa.
But oh how vital it is to have enough people around you that your words, your needs, your wants, have at least one or two places to land!
Luckily, I did, when my life as I knew it fell apart. I’m hoping you do too. And if you don’t… Every journey starts with a single step, so what’s one step you can take today towards surrounding yourself with people where you can have a place to land when needed?
Now. There’s some tankespjärn for you, spoken with utmost gentleness and care.
Links:
Bliss
The erotic mind by Jack Morin
Brida by Paolo Coehlo
In a (non-recorded) conversation with Alison, she mentioned how uncomfortable she was with being recorded, having our conversations ”put out there” in the world. At the time, I asked if we could have this discussion on the pod.
So. We did. That’s where we started off this time, and I have to say, I am honored to have a friend like Alison. Willing to dive deep, to open up, and me getting surprisingly emotional in tears now and again.
(My kids lovingly tease me about how easily moved to tears I am, all they have to do is put on a video or two from Britain’s Got Talent, and my tears are in free-fall! But not to worry about me, I see this as a very positive trait of mine.)
When I decided to start this pod-series, Alison was the first person I asked to join me. I was fairly certain she’d turn me down, and was very surprised at her immediate yes. Right off the bat.
If Alison had asked me to stop recording, or even take down the episodes out there, or not to keep on sharing the material I’ve got from the published episodes. I would have. Not happily. But I would have. My friendship with her is more important to me, even though, the value that I get from these conversations is undoubtedly also of value to others. But not to the extent that it surpasses the value I place on our friendship.
Being able to have a conversation like this, about being recorded and going public, while actually being recorded was special. Very special. A testament to the trust we have in each other. And to the level of trust we have in ourselves. Or don’t have? Is it this latter facet that is at the root of how comfortable, or uncomfortable, a person is with being visible?
If I’d asked you, to join me in a recorded meandering conversation like this one, what would your answer be? A yes? A Hell yes, even? Or a big fat No way?
I hope you are as curious as I am as to what your response would be!
Now. There’s some tankespjärn for you.
Links:
Episode 9 Questioning the shortage of housing with Alison Coates
Book tip: Arnold Mindell, The deep democracy of open forums
On Being-episode with Michelle Alexander: Who we want to become, beyond the new Jim Crow
What would you write if you were to write a hope-will? That is, a will that you leave behind when you die, containing your hopes.
Heavily influenced by Ishmael and Daniel Quinn, that I’ve read and reread multiple times this year, my hope has me vying for a shift in mindset of modern man, which would have us stop wreaking havoc with the earth, and ’save ourselves’ (it’s us, human kind, that we are in danger of exterminating. Along with a lot of other species, certainly, but life and earth will prevail, albeit in a different costume and character set than what we see today. This is how planet earth has evolved through billions of years.).
When modern man (us, that is) comes to see that we are a part of nature and not the exception-to-the-rule because we are the ’pinnacle of creation’. Then, we will realize we are bound by the laws of nature. In the same way everything else living here is.
That’s where my hope lie.
Mayke on the other hand hopes for intimacy, or, as I have seen it described quite often, into-me-see (isn’t that just a lovely way to put it?).
Intimacy. A word that almost has been hijacked by sex. That is where, and how, we often speak about intimacy, in a sexual and/or romantic setting. Which might not be surprising, but surely, it holds value in all areas of life, not just in sexual or romantic relationships?
It’s not a scarce commodity, in and of itself, but perhaps, we are all holding back? Possibly, because we are afraid to even be intimate with ourselves? How can I ”into-me-see”, and when do I? If I do not dare look into myself, the very idea of someone else looking into me sure seems a scary one! But we need to be, in order to be able to be in and with intimacy, do we not? In Maykes hope-will, this is what she sees as the starting point:
Everyone able to be intimate with oneself.
Are you?
Oh, I hope you are.
I know I wasn’t. For a long time.
I also know I am. Now.
So it’s possible to get intimate with oneself, even if that’s not been the case looking back.
I am also curious what your hope-will would look like? Wanna share?
I hope you do. If so, take this question under consideration, letting it provide you with some tankespjärn.
Links:
Ishmael by Daniel Quinn
Martin Buber
In mine and Franks third conversation I cannot help myself but indulge in a bit of cathedral musings. I’d just read The Pillars of the Earth and World Without End by Ken Follett, also known as the cathedral or Kingsbridge series, where there are cathedrals being built.
What these books point to is what’s made possible when seeing beyond what is. And somehow, through ingenuity, skill, effort and a lot of imagination, making what lies beyond what is, a reality.
I shouldn’t have been surprised, given that Frank is an architect, but… still, oh the thrill of simply mentioning these books, and what I took from them, and hear Frank inhale sharply and invite me down his memory lane, as a young kid, visiting some of the cathedrals of Europe.
As I state some buildings are designed to get you to fly, Frank goes into a spiel that I just love:
One of the mini breakthroughs of the early Renaissance, was to understand what was termed the spiritual dimension of man. It was addressing this emotional experience and being able to walk into a location that was a man-made version of that epic experience you get in certain forests and promenades overlooking things. If you could replicate that under a roof that was really bringing the human spirit to a certain place. The cathedral was one of the highest expressions of the kind of emotional rush or this sort of lofting of who you were. It was epic.
But this was but a brief passage in our meandering conversation, a lot of which centered on the unknown and how play is a great way to edge closer to it. Given the right context, play can make the unknown less scary. If the context isn’t right though, or not well-defined, play, at least for me, pushes me even further into the perceived scariness of residing in the unknown.
In hind-sight, looking back at instances of role-playing at leadership trainings and the likes, the uncertainty as to potential emotional impact of the situation held me back. Made me not want to fully take on the role of whoever I was supposed to inhabit, feeling very insecure. Now, perhaps I wouldn’t let myself be held back, but in my twenties, for sure I gave the bare minimum of myself.
Circling back and forth, we come back to uncertainty and the unknown from another angle, this time inspired by Brené Brown. Frank explains that in order to lean into vulnerability, you need to have a sense of safety, a sense of significance, and you need to feel situated. To be able to do this leaning you have to be willing to risk. You have to be able to tolerate emotional exposure. And you need to have a level of comfort around uncertainty.
So.
One question to provide you with some tankespjärn, is when and where are you able and willing to lean into vulnerability?
Links:
The Pillars of the Earth, Ken Follett
World Without End, Ken Follett
Anderson .Paak & The Free Nationals: NPR Music Tiny Desk Concert
TEDxTalk The power of vulnerability with Brené Brown
In the third conversation with Beverly Delidow of Here’s a Quarter we drop a lot of recommendations, all available at the bottom of this episode description, in case you get curious and wanna find out more.
Diving into the difference between the laws of tribal and modern societies, the distinctive difference in their rally cries for redemption versus retribution reminded me of an amazing Moth-story by Hector Black, that I blogged about in April of 2014. Hectors tells a horrible story of his daughter (in love, if not by birth), and shows an absolutely astonishing ability to forgive.
I mention (yet another book) by Daniel Quinn. Not called WHEN but IF they give you lined paper, write sideways. But honestly… it’s not a matter of IF, it is a matter of WHEN, as we are all given lined paper, that is, lulled into believing the norm-driving stories of the culture(s) we live in.
Immersing myself in Daniel Quinns writings as well as spending a lot of time with my Buddha-friend Dominic, has gotten me to a place where I finally (I’ve said it before and will say it again, sometimes it takes a long time for the penny to drop) have started to see the importance of context. Who says what, based on what hidden, underlying assumptions? When a question is asked, try to get under the skin of it, finding out what’s implied by the question.
That’s what Quinn means when he says write sideways.
Don’t. Just. Swallow. It.
Or, stated in another way:
Think. For. Yourself.
Honestly, I find that a lot harder than it sounds. Especially as I choose to trust (in me, in you, in the world), and will remain in trust until proven wrong.
Now there’s some tankespjärn for you!
Links:
Hector Black on The Moth
If they give you lined paper, write sideways, by Daniel Quinn
I mention attachment theory, speaking about Ross Green but honestly, who I meant to refer to is Gordon Neufeld. Sorry about that! But hey, two for the price of one, Green is worth a look too!
There’s The children’s fire and The Imitation Game too.
Oops… Intro forgotten, remembered, only to be lost in space somewhere, somehow. So here’s an episode without my usual short introduction. If you want the brief version (yeah, right. When have I ever managed to be brief?) it’s about lessons learned through, or thanks to, online dating. Now for the musings of which there were plenty in this my second conversation with Gary Breads.
Have you ever been ghosted?
Duck-duck-go informs me:” Ghosting is when someone who used to be friendly or even romantic with you suddenly cuts off all communication without explanation.” That’s precisely what happened to me as I waited for half an hour for an agreed upon walk n talk. He did not show up, and I didn’t get a word on Badoo, or by phone. Gone. Ghosting me.
The interesting thing is, I learned so much from this. And I wasn’t angry. Felt a sense of relief, a bullet dodged quite literally, but more than that, I got to witness myself go through this experience, doing the most gentle I ever could have done towards myself. If I hadn’t spent the past 1,5 decade learning to do gentle, I would surely have acted (or more like it, reacted) very differently.
(If I had been angry? Just as welcome! Anger, along with everything that I feel, carries a message. Listen. Just don’t take it as Truth. But a signal, most definitely!)
Being active on Badoo (or any dating app of your choice), is a great opportunity for learning. How to be human. Vulnerable. Honest. Humorous, cheeky and teasing. Being interested, and being interesting. In short, I’m learning (here as well as in many other arenas!) how to be human on Badoo.
Which just might be a really odd thing to say? Possibly not a lot of Badooers would agree with me. But for me, this is what it is, and that’s why I can look at myself as well as the man who ghosted me with such compassion.
I did not hold back.
I did not diminish myself in any way, neither during the 24 hours of intense conversation we had, as I was being ghosted, nor afterwards. In the words of Gary, there was, from my part, a radical acceptance of the tendrils of worthlessness that did show up, throughout all of this. Because of course they do. They are part of being human, and human I am, we are. All of us.
I got into a conversation with myself for the rest of that day, open, curious, loving and above all, treating myself very gently. It was amazing to experience, and I feel I’ve cracked a code for living, I just love living life, as me! You see, I don’t need to punish myself for being an idiot, for falling for a ruse, for being ignorant or naive or an easily duped person. None of that.
Instead… my experience holds a willingness to see. A willingness to be seen.
To which Gary said ”More of that please!”.
Or, in the words of Thomas Hübl:
”To be present you have to be able to see.”
To which I would add, seeing is not done solely using our eyes. We see with all of us, every sense, every organ, every cell. Or. We don’t. Closed down, desensitized or even numbed. And there’s a scale, is there not? There’s likely part of me I am not that connected to, where signals might be firing but they are not reaching me, on any conscious level at least, and other parts where all systems are go.
I just realized Badoo is like a playground where I get to see with more of me (while I am also being seen). It’s like coaching, therapy or attending an online course, I tell you. Now there’s some tankespjärn for you!
As we start to meander, before long we come to talk about gardens, houses, and housing as a human right, no less.
My brother lives in the UK, and I remember him house-hunting, being fascinated by the different facts presented in the house listings, when compared to Sweden. But this was basically just a warm-up for the first real doozie: Is there a housing shortage (in the UK)?
That’s the story everyone is being told, at least, and it rubs Alison the wrong way, let me tell you. Or, rather, listen and you’ll hear for yourself, in her very own voice. With the number of houses standing empty, bought for speculation?!, and the number of second homes people have that are possibly rented out short-term via AirBnB and the likes, is there really a shortage?
Push the film, shows, painfully clear, how the human right to housing is severely compromised all over, including in the UK. (And Sweden.) If you haven’t watched it, do!
Question is, if we ask enough high-level questions? I say we don’t. We don’t question how come there’s ”a housing shortage” even though there’s plenty of empty buildings all over. We don’t question the purpose of the penitentiary system, but rather just let out a rallying cry for law and order! Last time we asked what the purpose of schools are was mid nineteenth century, and since then, all the school systems of the world has been modified, tweaked, nipped a bit here, a bit there, but actually looked at from a zoomed-out perspective, nah. It’s not happened so far, even though there’s plenty of voices asking Why school?
On that note, the school system sure gets the job done, with impressive effectiveness. We fill it with small kids, bursting at the seams with life, curiosity and energy, and within a few years those aren’t words that describe a majority of school children. We say ”childlike curiosity”, don’t we, and I wonder if we say that because this is a trait the school system systematically dampens?
Perhaps I am just touting the same-old-same-old, complaining about the school system killing creativity to paraphrase Sir Ken Robinson, but… I honestly think there’s a difference. Questioning the details, the nitty-gritty, will never, ever, get to the root of it. Whatever the it is. Be it housing, schooling, the justice or medical system. If we don’t zoom out enough to a point where it’s possible to ask the high-level why, nothing will ever really change. Or? Am I naive? Am I ignorant?
Or are these the questions more of us should be asking? How many do? How many are even aware that these are questions that both could and should be asked? And not once. Over and over, again. Not necessarily constantly. But going 170 years without asking why school sure seems like too seldom.
Alison comes clean. Wishing that she didn’t even know there’s a question to be asked. And I know what she means. We both agree it’s just not possible. It’s like when you’ve learned to read.You cannot look at a word without seeing what it says. The ability to not take things at face value, but peek underneath, behind, to the side, to see if there isn’t more to it than what is first conveyed. And. There. Always. Is.
If nothing else, try to spot the underlying assumptions that make a statement (of whatever) possible. Have you thought about that? Ponder what the underlying assumption/s are that makes it possible to produce enough food to feed everyone on earth, and still have people dying of starvation. Now there’s some tankespjärn for you!
Mayke has recently gone through eye surgery. Curious as I am (a biologist at that, with a GP for a mom, who was in med-school for most of my childhood, which meant there were loads of creepy and enticing medical textbooks lying around to look at, oh how exciting!) I couldn’t help but ask a question that’s been on my mind… Does eyes have pain receptors?
As I read the transcript from our conversation, I duck-duck-go ”pain receptors eye” and am met by the suggested question: are there pain receptors in the eye. Turns out, I’m not the first person to search for that answer, and I’ll simply point you to this potential rabbit hole, one I suspect I could spend a lot of times diving deeper and deeper into!
Mayke is amazed at the clarity of vision she’s gained back thanks to eye surgery, and it is absolutely fantastic what we are able to do today with modern technology, I must say. And… I actually had an appointment scheduled for eye surgery myself, many years ago, to perform eye-sight-enhancing surgery (laser?) so I’d no longer need glasses… but I chickened out! There’s something to messing with stuff that doesn’t really need to be messed with, that… I don’t know…
However, I’ve made good use of my glasses, and not just the physical ones. I’m great at using what I call mental glasses too, which is when I set my mind to something, writing it on my glasses, in my imagination that is, and then… everything I look at I look through those glasses. It’s actually turned into one of my super-powers, that I first spotted, for real, a few years after Alan Seale, Master coach, gave me the gift of a life time. He asked, in his gentle kind way, how does this serve? That’s a question that spent many years written across my mental glasses!
Alan Seale is actually the connector between me and Mayke, so he’s give me more gifts than one! We met up in Vught in the Netherlands in… the spring of 2013, at the first (I think?) Transformational Presence global summit (yeah. Sure sounds fancy!) he organized. I have a lot to thank that summit for, as that was whereas of my Campfire Sisters first met (me and Mayke constitute 50% of the quartet).
Using glasses is one of the best ways I know of (for me, not saying it’s a magic bullet) to create new habits that serve me. And creating new habits can take a lot of effort and time. However, have you ever thought about that fact that if, for some reason you’d want to ditch this new hard-earned benefitting habit of yours, or if you fear you’d revert to the old one, it would take you as long, and as much effort, to replace the new habit it with another one, regardless if it new or old? If you’re gonna do that, you are likely to make sure it’s a habit that will serve you even more!
But regardless how great my eye-sight is, there are things about me, that I cannot see, that are apparent and obvious to you. And there’s that within you that I can see, that you cannot. One (more) reason why great friends are so valuable, as they can remind you of all that you are, even if you forget now and again. Now there’s some tankespjärn for you!
(And. Guess what, everything I write about here –with the exception of the Campfire-sisterhood–, and in all these episode descriptions, is stuff we talk about. But I’d need ten times the number of words to be able to tell it all. ’Cuz there’s more. Much more. Rest assured!)
Now, Frank is an architect, and it just so happens, I’ve worked a lot with facilities in the pharma industry. At the moment, I’m busy with a project building a facility, and I get to do that what I both love doing and am really good at: design the layout of a plant.
I. Love. It.
I cannot say that I understand why but perhaps it satisfies the same part of me that enjoys a good puzzle? There’s the constraint of a plot or existing facility, within which you have to fit desired functions. But there’s a lot of freedom too, which tickles the creative within me, wanting to make the best possible layout fulfilling the requirements of the facility.
Frank knew I worked with pharma, but didn’t know we have such a huge overlap concerning facilities. So… honestly, this is a meandering conversation about buildings, the building code, energy-efficient buildings, the man in the wool suit that many buildings are designed for, and passive houses.
Great fun!
And I can just see you shaking your head, saying ”Great fun? She must be crazy, it sounds superboring!”.
But I promise, it’s worth giving this episode a chance, even if you aren’t as enamored in making buildings optimal and resource efficient. If nothing else, due to the fact that of course we also meander past all sorts of other things!
Like beliefs. Asked ”What beliefs do you hold about yourself?” I would go blank… Especially if you add what Frank told me is one, if not the, definition of beliefs is knowledge without evidence. So, it’s not a belief that I rock at keeping run streaks going, because I have evidence to back that fact up. It’s not a belief that I have great capacity for both zooming in and out, taking in the totality and overview of a major project before diving headfirst into details, because this is what I’ve been doing for the better part of the past two decades, and my clients keep coming back for more. Again, I know this, it’s fact.
So what beliefs do I hold about myself? I’ve been reflecting quite a lot on this these past months, helped along doing process-oriented therapy where this comes up over and over again. So I’ve started to be on the lookout for beliefs I hold about myself, giving the example when a Badoo-match told me I was so petite. ”Oh no, I am most definitely not petite” was my very automatic reaction to this statement. As I observed my own reaction, I could see the belief:
I am not petite. I am ”farmers stock”, heavier and sturdier than what anyone dubbed petite would be.
This is a belief. It’s not fact.
That I don’t believe I am petite didn’t matter to the man who told me I was, his belief remained.
So… where does this belief come from? Where do beliefs come from?
Which beliefs that I hold about me serve me, making me do more, be more, live more, and which beliefs hold me back, keep me small, hiding, shying away from life?
Reorganizations at work is another thing where beliefs play a big part. My belief is that reorganizations will make us more productive, efficient, resourceful. I believe that about 80 % of reorganizations doesn’t work, but that number concerned mergers and acquisitions, which perhaps, can be called re-organizations? Regardless, I duckduckgo:ed ”reorganizations efficiency”. The top link pointed to McKinsey stating: ”only about 23 percent of reorganizations are deemed successful by the companies as they look back on them”.
Given that, why are there so many reorganizations? Strong belief at play, or what?
Now there’s some tankespjärn for you!
Gary Breads and I have been having frequent Zoom-get togethers since The Creative’s Workshop ended in July of 2020. There’s a special story to this, as I was a late joiner of a weekly Open Mic-session within the workshop. The very first meeting I attended, I had a few different blog posts chosen to read, one a bit racy, to say the least (Bliss). I wasn’t sure it would be appropriate, but then I heard Gary read a lovely poem about a volcano and I knew, without a doubt, that I would read Bliss.
Something about Gary draws me to him, and luckily, the feeling is reciprocated. Gary is the founder of the newly emerging Wisdom Sailing School, an organization mentoring self and relational presence as the most direct and integrated way to foster Well-Being across the human dimensions of soul, heart, body, mind, self, relationship, and the environment. He enjoys meeting with clients from his farm in the Blue Ridge Mountains in Virginia, US, where he also shares his improvisational piano and vocals, gardening, and the ever-renewing inspiration of open fields and skies. Also an interfaith hospital chaplain, he finds another deep calling in assisting patients in the spiritual care of their health.
For various reasons, we haven’t Zoomed for a long time, and when we did, I’d just come out of having a bout of Covid-19.
On day eight of covid, having had a fairly easy run of it, my fever suddenly spiked and I definitely had a different experience with inhaling/exhaling than normal, feeling as if my lungs were only available for the first upper third or so. That sent me down an anxious spin of fearing death. Fear is a powerful emotion, and as I jotted down the passwords to my computer and my password manager for the kids, ”just in case”, I texted my friend D, The way he responded was amazing. Being held in love and compassion in such a way, was just what the doctor ordered, and I slept throughout the night without issues, waking up with less fever. When it started to spike again in the afternoon, I was chill, because I knew (!) that all would be well.
In parallel with me battling Covid-19, Gary experienced the dark night of the soul, where he felt his psyche, emotionality, spirituality all be foreclosed. Not one, not two, but all three of them. Gary says ’I basically went back to God or source or love and said, I need to come home.’ only to be met with ’the gates of heaven aren’t open for you right now’. Ouch!
That sent us down a rabbit hole of our common experience of judging parts of ourselves as unlovable. Have you ever felt there are aspects of yourself you deem unlovable? In my ongoing deep dive into shame, with the process-oriented therapy I am attending on a weekly basis, I am getting to know a lot of those previously deemed unlovable aspects of myself.
The inner judge within me has a lot less work to do nowadays, and as I judge myself less harshly, I also judge others less harshly. The more gentle and loving I am with me, the more gentle and loving I am with you. And even though we all have (I think) inner tyrants, we don’t have to take their word for it. Gary shares how he has started to call it when he sees other people dis themselves in front of him. Imagine a world where more people would do that. Gently, with love, say, don’t treat yourself like that. Now there’s some tankespjärn for you!
(And yes, we touch on all of this, and much more, in this rich meandering conversation!)
The very day the first episode (with Beverly) was released I had a walk and talk with an acquaintance, and as she asked me what the pod ”was about”, I could only giggle before I tried to explain it: ”It’s a meandering conversation, that is not ”about” anything really. It’s a recording of what happens when two people meet up, start somewhere, and have no clue where they'll end up.”
That is, truly, what all these conversations are, and I am very aware that this is not a podcast series for everyone. Now, I didn’t properly introduce Beverly in the first episode description, so here goes:
Beverly Delidow is a writer in multiple genres documenting life and work in the Ohio River Valley on her blog, Here's a Quarter (https://heresaquarter.com). She is the author of a collection of short stories about life with dogs (Dog Days, 2017). She continues to gather material on canine antics, courtesy of Chiquita and Olive, under the strict supervision of the feline heads of household, Elijah and Felix. She has published poetry in the journal ABZ and has a poetry chapbook (Stepping Stones) coming out in the spring of 2021.
When we got started I blurted out how I have a hard time grasping Shakespeare (and I’ve never really grasped the difference between poetry and prose even). Surprise surprise, it turns out Shakespeare is one of Beverlys favorite authors, and hearing her recite this passage from Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 5, lines 17–28) by heart was quite fantastic:
”She should have died hereafter;
There would have been a time for such a word.
— To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death.
Out, out, brief candle!
Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
Signifying nothing.”
Hearing her intonation as she read, and then giving me a few in’s and out’s as to what this is all about, made me a little bit more keen to pick up a copy of Hamlet, or MacBeth, or Julius Caesar. It also reminded me of how in a few episodes of Buddhas by the roadside, another pod I am a part of, we’ve touched on the importance of having a guide to aid in understanding, making sense of, grasping poetry and literature, as well as paintings and theater and modern dance and…
Some things I grasp, straight up, and others… when I am taken by the hand and helped to see what is there, beyond my superficial understanding, whole new worlds and universes can open and it’s amazing to experience. Have you ever experienced it? Do you know what I mean? What type of cultural expression would be tankespjärn for you?
Time and attention is a gift I’ve gotten from Alison Coates ever since we met up in the very first cohort of The Creative’s Workshop by AKIMBO in the spring of 2020. Time and attention is what Alison does, or rather, gives to people. And if that doesn’t make any sense to you, check out https://www.timeandattention.uk/.
Alison is one of those people without whom –even though we’ve not met (yet) in the flesh– my week simply doesn’t feel quite right. Luckily the feeling is mutual, so we do meet up (at least once) weekly, in a variety of constellations. More than once I’ve left a Zoom-meeting with her thinking ”Damn, we should have recorded this conversation!” because there’s been so much wisdom and richness shared between us. Naturally, when the idea for this podcast was born, Alison was the first person I asked to join, and this first of our recorded conversations wasn’t one to let me down.
I came scurrying home when we were supposed to start our conversation, having just spent a lovely time in the open-air bathing house/sauna so… we dove straight into being naked. And bodies. Body hair. And on account of me fairly recently having opened a profile on the online dating-app/forum Badoo, I’ve been musing quite a lot about what attracts versus repels me. A bunch of my prejudices are here for the taking in other words, but Alison jumped off that cliff too, so I’ve got great company.
Opening up about this causes us to meander past inclusion, exclusion and the horrible word ’tolerance’. (Think about it. Tolerance. ”I tolerate you.” Like. Really?) How do personal boundaries play a part in all of this? And do they?
The messy part in the middle, the conversations where I am neither Black nor White, not Pro nor Con, Red or Blue, or whatever polarity have you. Those conversations. We’re missing out on a lot of those, but why? Fear? Wanting to have it my way? Taking things to personally (I know I’ve been guilty of this in the past, for sure! Probably still am, however much ”in the past” I’d want it to be.)?
In the middle of a global pandemic with COVID-19 vaccine roll-out just about picking up speed, what if you are neither For the vaccine nor Against it? What if you find yourself in the middle, in the gray zone in-between Black and White? Another area where we hook arms, and as lovely as it is not to be alone there, it’s quite frustrating to observe the lack of conversation generally made possible in this no-man’s-land, the land of being able to see the pro’s and con’s of both sides.
Which brings us to the topic of prophets and Ishmael (the book by Daniel Quinn). If you divide the world into two main cultures, the Takers (us, sorry. But yeah. I’m there. And so are you. 99,9% likely.) and the Leavers (remnants of indigenous people spread across the globe), prophets are found amongst the former and not the latter. Can you think of a reason why?
Daniel Quinn did. He points to the fact that Taker culture is on the look out for someone to tell them the one right way to live. And once we’ve found that one-size-fit’s-all-way, we work hard as hell to make everyone around us comply. Whereas Leaver-culture is based on finding out, and sharing amongst themselves, what works. For them. Not for everyone. So you have a Leaver-culture living in the jungle, another in the desert, a third in the Arctics. All of them have a set of rules for what works, for them. But neither of them would try to make anyone else live accordingly.
Now there’s some potential tankespjärn!
First published on my blog on February 11th, 2021: https://tankespjarn.com/the-prayer-of-your-soul/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
Oh. I love Mayke. And I feel quite confident that you will too. She’s a dear friend of mine and one of four women in a constellation known to us as Campfire Sisters. Find out more about Mayke Vullings on her website: www.maykevullings.nl and by listening to this podcast, of course.
Mayke, for me, is a woman who invites the energy of play into my life. This is the energy that Mayke sends out in spades, and perhaps because of that, she’s also one of the wisest women I know. So when the idea of this pod-series came to me (well. When the penny finally dropped after Caspian had nudged me about it repeatedly, if I am truthful.) Mayke was one of the persons I immediately wanted to ask. Imagine my delight when she said Yes!
The energy of play is one of the things we touch upon as we meandered along our conversation on April 14th, 2021, and how play cannot take place unless there is a container of safety around. To be able to play, you need to feel safe. And as I have struggled a lot with letting myself play, in so many ways the word can be used, as Mayke pointed this out, something shifted within. Perhaps that’s one reason why I have struggled to let myself play? That I haven’t felt safe enough to do so?
One of the ways I have been able to help myself play is by using music as an alibi. Put on a great song on Spotify, pop my headphones on, and I can start to dance, and sing, regardless of my whereabouts! I can go dance walking in the park, or in town, dancing and singing my heart out, and I am just as prone to do the latter when I’m on my bike. The music gives me an alibi, because everyone (I think. I hope!) can relate to the irresistible urge to move your body when your favorite song comes on. Right?
In the process-oriented therapy I am currently undertaking, I am discovering a lot of different aspects of myself, and all of that is helping me accept who I am, understand who I am, bring some kind of clarity to those seemingly irreconcilable parts of myself. You know, when you contradict yourself, and your beliefs, being your own source of tankespjärn as it were…
Mayke has come to a place where she can meet someone who says something triggering, and not just accept the lesson offered on a silver platter, but to actually say ”Thank you. Thank you for the lesson. Whatever was triggered in me is inside of me, and has nothing to do with you. All the while, I want to cry out loud… but I don’t. I say thank you.”
There is always a deeper layer. Question is - are we open to receive it? To look at it, to reflect upon it? Are you? Now there’s some potential tankespjärn!
First published on my blog on December 25th, 2016: https://tankespjarn.com/being-gentle-to-me-reflection-december-16/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
Frank Ebbert is a character, as you will soon discover. He presents himself as an architect based in the Washington DC area. A musician, writer and designer, he is exploring the intersections of the humanities and technology. His current projects include an introduction to how our built environment impacts ocean health. Find out more about Frank at http://landwaveae.com (business), https://stealinggenius.net/ (music) and landwaveae.com/rp/ (musings).
I met him in Story Skills, an AKIMBO-workshop we both took at the end of 2020. Now, Frank can talk, and talk a lot. He even said during our conversation on April 10th, 2021, that “as a public service to my friends and family, I ought to write more, I think, because I've got so much to say and I don't know why that is.”
I don’t know about that, as I enjoy speaking to Frank as much as I enjoy reading his writings. Our conversation start off with me reading something Frank wrote to me as we were trying to find a date for our first conversation. He wrote:
“I mention it - your focus - because there is a part of me calling out again for that blessed space beyond the actual demands of others AND the call of a dozen projects I want to be working on.
I am taking this morning as a windfall of time to consider the last two months roughly starting with altMBA. I am noticing that my attention was drawn to the wide range of challenges I face and decisions I have to make: all within a 30 day, 13 assignment timeframe with 14 hours per week of group discussion. It wore me out and depleted whatever tankespjärn I had in place to handle my situation.
So I am in a reset. Not exactly negative. But not really positive either. Wintering.
The gentle and the edge is in observing, just observing, your productivity and my anxiety. Letting my curiosity wander a bit. Letting my fears speak so they can know they are heard and don’t amplify themselves to get my attention. Then I can start to see what is what.
As seems to be the case frequently, I notice nothing has really changed around me. It’s just me being drawn into the myopia of deadlines without breathing.”
Now, you see as well as I, that what he wrote has nothing to do with finding a date for podcasting. It’s about finding focus in life, and paying attention to the pace you are living it with. Perhaps a different pace, more in tune with your current whereabouts is needed?
We talk about finding those places, spaces, settings, and/or contexts that nourish you. Being able to find them, making sure to hang on to them and how important that is for a life. Lived really well.
One of my most nourishing fields is my Mastermind-group (started in 2013), and not a session goes by without me learning something new. About myself, the others, or the world. In the session I chaired a few hours before sitting down to converse with Frank, I was saying how time flies, without actually paying attention to what i was saying. Inga-Lill stopped me and said ”No. Time comes. Every day time comes to you. It's a gift.” Have you? Found the others, I mean?
During our long and rambling, meandering conversation, we touch upon the importance of language, not once, not twice, but over and over again. The origins of the word deadline, how paying attention to right/wrong, must/should makes for a shift in how life is experiences, and specifically the difference substituting judgment for discernment has had for me. But we also touch on the American dream and the pursuit of happiness. Isn’t it fascinating that American’s aren’t entitled to happiness, but rather the pursuit of it. Tankespjärn indeed!
First published on my blog on November 25th, 2016: https://tankespjarn.com/being-gentle-to-me-reflection-november-16/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
Welcome to the very first conversation of this pod series. One where I want you as a listener to feel invited in to be a part of the conversation, as if you could chirp in anytime, with your own reflection about whatever we touch on. These pods will be meandering conversations, a little like a bumble bee flying around my garden. Stopping for some nectar here, rest in the sun over there, only to dive headfirst into a garden bed of enticingly-smelling flowers everywhere. I truly enjoy watching them on their bumbling flight-path, knowing that they will help me see some aspect of my garden that I’ve yet to notice. I’d love it if these conversations could be like that for you!
Me and Beverly Delidow, on April 8th, 2021, had just that type of conversation, where the transition from one topic to another can be completely unfathomable. You talk, you listen, and then, BAM, a new thought or connection or analogy pops into your mind…
Now, remember when you were a kid, lying underneath the dining-room table, listening to your parents and their friends talking? Grown-up conversations. About work, and family, and the latest movie/song/book, or what will happen with politics or grandma that’s sick and in the hospital.
Oh. I loved that. Did you? As Beverly share bits and pieces from her childhood, we take a walk down this particular memory lane. For me, it served as an initiation into adulthood. Makes me wonder if kids of today have these experiences or are they off –as soon as dinner is over– to a corner of the living room, or their own room, immersed in a computer game, or watching YouTube or SnapChatting or…?
Different styles of conversing, from the ”lying under the dining room table listening to the grown-up’s talk”, to SnapChatting with a gazillion friends, to when you write a letter to someone. This latter is a form of uninterrupted conversation, where I can put the entire thought down on to paper only to wait for a response. Letter writing uses a different kind of patience and social cue where cues are given from the way it's written, the word choice and maybe even the handwriting.
As humans are pattern seeking creatures, that must have been an evolutionary boon, otherwise would it not have been ousted through evolution? It helps us take in what's happening and make a prediction for what happens next. If it’s protective to be able to recognize patterns, what if the curiosity of children, the never-ending question Whazzat that Beverly shares was her first fully formed sentence, is a way there? Makes you wonder at all those times you shut your kid up from asking Why for the umpteenth time, doesn’t it?
Now. Reflection is important as a way to process life, and, in my view, a somewhat forgotten art. But do you think there are people who don't benefit from reflection, or have they simply not learnt how to? And is this ability (and the link to pattern recognition) what makes stories so important to our species too? Is there an evolutionary advantage to being able to tell (and later on to write down) stories?
Yes. Likely. The oral tradition was the only way we had to pass on history and culture. So in part we became storytellers because it gives structure to human groups living together, creating societies. It allowed us to make labor more efficient too, Beverly muses. Some people were farmers, some hunters, other people took care of the children or made clothesand so on. Once you had professions you have to have a way to pass that on, and to start with we didn't have textbooks. We learned by doing and telling.
Which is funny, as people seem to think we need schools in order to learn. We. Don’t. Humanity evolved long before modern-day schools and the education system was invented. Now there’s some tankespjärn for you!
First published on my blog on November 24th, 2016: https://tankespjarn.com/beauty-surrounds-us/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on November 27th, 2016: https://tankespjarn.com/doing-gentle-46-expectations-vs-agreements/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on November 10th, 2016: https://tankespjarn.com/i-miss-me/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on November 20th, 2016: https://tankespjarn.com/doing-gentle-45-source-of-information/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on November 9th, 2016: https://tankespjarn.com/what-we-focus-on-becomes-our-reality/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on November 13th, 2016: https://tankespjarn.com/doing-gentle-44-letting-go-and-letting-come/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on November 3rd, 2016: https://tankespjarn.com/what-if-i-forgave-myself/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on November 6th, 2016: https://tankespjarn.com/doing-gentle-43-give-thanks/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on November 1st, 2016: https://tankespjarn.com/to-have-or-to-be/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on October 30th, 2016: https://tankespjarn.com/doing-gentle-42-personality/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on October 31st, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/being-gentle-to-me-reflection-october-16/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on October 27th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/still-water/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on October 26th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/breaking-down/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on October 23rd, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-41-ask-questions/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on October 21st, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/into-my-head/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on October 16th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-40-what-do-you-fill-your-days-with/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on October 20th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/what-is-reality/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on October 9th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-39-notice-your-own-and-growing-awareness/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on October 18th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/i-know-i-know-i-got-the-message/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on October 2nd, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-38-unpeel-yourself-like-an-onion/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on October 13th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/silly-attachment/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on September 25th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-37-experiment/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on September 8th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/bruce-more-than-meets-the-ear-and-eye/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on September 18th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-36-what-would-you-do-if-you-werent-afraid/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on September 1st, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/be-do-have/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on September 11th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-35-know-you-can-never-be-broken/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on September 29th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/a-cruel-and-heartless-world-anyone-2/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on September 4th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-34-love-yourself/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on September 27th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/being-gentle-to-me-reflection-september-16/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on August 28th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-33-four-crucial-phrases/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on September 20th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/my-sounding-boards/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on August 21st, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-32-set-up-a-mastermind-group/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on Septmeber 10th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/who-i-already-am/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on August 14th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-31-acceptance/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on August 29th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/that-which-is/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on August 7th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-30-drop-the-to-do-list/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on August 27th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/being-gentle-to-me-reflection-august-16/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on July 31st, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-29-there-are-no-musts/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on August 11th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/a-world-in-or-out-of-focus/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on July 24th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-28-pause/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on August 2nd, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/learn-to-speak-your-truth/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on July 17th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-27-how-fascinating/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on July 14th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/touching-the-silence/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on July 10th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-26-appreciate-yourself/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on June 30th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/im-so-sorry/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on July 3rd, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-25-fear-brings-an-invite/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on June 25th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/being-gentle-to-me-reflection-june-16/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on June 26th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-24-cherish-your-inner-observer/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on June 23rd, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/love-and-understanding/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on June 19th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-23-dare-to-choose-light-over-darkness/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on June 15th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/look-up-he-told-me/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on June 12th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-22-listen-to-your-body/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on May 26nd, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/being-ok-with-what-is/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on June 5th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-21-subtract/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on May 19th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/the-elephant-in-the-room/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on May 29th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-20-listen-read-watch/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on May 22nd, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-19-smile-more/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on June 2nd, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/your-writing-has-improved/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on May 15th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-18-stop-with-the-mind-reading/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on May 25th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/being-gentle-to-me-reflection-may-16/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on May 8th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-17-who-cares/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on May 12th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/connective-harmonies/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on May 1st, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-16-allow-yourself-an-alibi/
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on May 5th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/dissolving-into-the-infinite/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
Link to D, which I really recommend you picking up on: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dominic-venter-57548993/
First published on my blog on April 24th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-15-whos-rules-are-they/
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on May 2nd, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/when-time-stops/
Website: https://helenaroth.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/helenaroth
FB: https://www.facebook.com/HelenaRothChangeAgent
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on April 17th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-14-let-yourself-off-the-hook/
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on April 25th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/being-gentle-to-me-reflection-april-16/
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on April 10th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-13-treat-yourself-good/
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on April 28th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/criticism-from-a-loved-one/
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on April 3rd, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-12-talk-to-a-wise-one/
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on April 18th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/avoiding-war-just-to-fall-into-a-trap/
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on March 27th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-11-play/
Audio production: Søren Lassen Andreasen https://and.dk/
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on April 14th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/where-are-you-headed/
Audio production: Søren Lassen Andreasen https://and.dk/
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on March 20th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-10-experience-your-experiences/
Audio production: Søren Lassen Andreasen https://and.dk/
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on 31MAR2016: https://helenaroth.com/a-library-of-memories/
Audio production: Søren Lassen Andreasen https://and.dk/
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on March 13th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-9-ditch-the-notion-of-right-and-wrong/
Audio production: Søren Lassen Andreasen https://and.dk/
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on March 10th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/an-epidemic-of-harshness/
Audio production: Caspian Almerud
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on March 6th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-8-does-it-serve-me/
Audio production: Søren Lassen Andreasen https://and.dk/
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on February 4th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/made-to-bounce/
Audio production: Søren Lassen Andreasen https://and.dk/ Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/ Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on February 28th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-7-dont-scratch-the-wound/
Audio production: Søren Lassen Andreasen https://and.dk/
Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/
Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on February 21th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-6-the-problem-isnt-the-problem/
Audio production: Søren Lassen Andreasen https://and.dk/ Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/ Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on February 2nd, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/what-we-can-carry/
Audio production: Søren Lassen Andreasen https://and.dk/ Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/ Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on January 27th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/what-is-your-egg/
Audio production: Søren Lassen Andreasen https://and.dk/ Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/ Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on February 14th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-5-pick-up-on-inner-judgement/
Audio production: Søren Lassen Andreasen https://and.dk/ Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/ Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on January 25th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/being-gentle-to-me-reflection-january-16/
Søren Lassen Andreasen - audio production Olof Jennfors - soundtrack Anders Roos - photography
First published on my blog on February 7th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-4-understand-that-feelings-are-neutral/
Søren Lassen Andreasen - audio production Olof Jennfors - soundtrack Anders Roos - photography
First published on my blog on January 31st, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-3-notice-my-inner-chatter/
Søren Lassen Andreasen - audio production Olof Jennfors - soundtrack Anders Roos - photography
First published on my blog on January 20th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/the-event-horizon-calling/
Søren Lassen Andreasen - audio production Olof Jennfors - soundtrack Anders Roos - photography
First published on my blog on January 9th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/a-rediscovery-of-my-self/
Søren Lassen Andreasen - audio production Olof Jennfors - soundtrack Anders Roos - photography
Doing Gentle #2 – Innate well-being
First published on my blog on January 24th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-2-innate-well-being/
Søren Lassen Andreasen - audio production Olof Jennfors - soundtrack Anders Roos - photography
First published on my blog on January 7th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/please-be-gentle-im-still-learning/
Audio production: Søren Lassen Andreasen and.dk/ Photography: Anders Roos www.andersroos.nu/ Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst jennforsljud.se/
First published on my blog on January 17th, 2016: https://helenaroth.com/doing-gentle-1-awareness/
Audio production: Søren Lassen Andreasen https://and.dk/ Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/ Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/
Learning how to do gentle towards yourself can be, for you, the key to loving living life. At least, that's what doing gentle did to me, Helena Roth, once I understood that it was actually an option.
Imagine having turned 30+ before ever realizing it's possible to be gentle with myself. From that moment in time, I've re-learned how to be in the world - both inside and outside of myself. Here I will be sharing the tools and tricks I've picked up along the way, hoping it will help you transform from a victim of the epidemic of harshness into a proud practitioner of doing gentle.
More information can be found here: https://helenaroth.com/
Audio production: Søren Lassen Andreasen https://and.dk/ Photography: Anders Roos http://www.andersroos.nu/ Soundtrack: Olof Jennfors Ljudtjänst http://jennforsljud.se/