Growth Marriage: Recent Episodes
Nate Bagley
Here at the Growth Marriage podcast, we believe every couple can have amazing communication, deep connection, and passionate, knock-your-socks-off love.
Back in 2012 I quit my fancy corporate job, sold everything I owned, and started traveling the United States with the goal of uncovering the secrets to truly epic love.
I’ve been trained by the world’s top experts, researchers, and authors - and I’ve interviewed the most incredible couples on the planet. And now my only focus is sharing the secrets of what makes amazing love possible with you.
Each week I’ll give you the tools you need take your marriage to the next level… but only if you’re willing take action. You’ll see that legendary love happens by choice, not by chance.
Scrupulosity, or religious perfectionism/OCD, can be debilitating for both individuals and couples. The belief that unless you do everything right, keep all the rules, are perfectly obedient, and live according to God's will... something terrible will happen. This episode with perfectionism expert, Dr. Menije explores how our anxiety leaks out into our spiritual life. She provides some great examples of what scrupulosity can look like, and what we can do about it.
In order to master your anxiety, you must become differentiated. Differentiation is the ability to separate your thoughts from your feelings, and to separate your own thoughts and feelings from the thoughts and feelings of others. This is a practice you will be working on for the rest of your life. Today's episode will introduce you to the first part of differentiation, and give you some first steps to start calming yourself down.
Friendship is the foundation of your marriage. If you can't be a good friend to people outside your marriage, it's unlikely you'll be a good friend to your partner. Also, friendships outside your marriage are CRUCIAL for the survival of your relationship. Your community is your bedrock. In today's episode, I talk to the author of the new book, "," Adam Smiley Powsolwky. We talk about why friendship is important, and give a bunch of ideas of how to cultivate more meaningful friendships.
Anxiety is basically negative emotions that your brain manufactures to help keep you safe from potential threats... kind of like a smoke alarm. But just like a smoke alarm, there's no special mechanism to help it detect the severity of the threat. Bacon burning on the stove gets the same treatment as a house fire. This is a problem because at some point in your marriage, your partner is going to hurt you, disappoint you, or let you down. That means your brain will detect them as a threat, which will drive a wedge between you. In order to keep the connection alive, we need to learn to effectively manage our internal anxiety alarm. In today's episode, the first episode of the Anxiety Series, I'm going to talk a bit more about what anxiety is, and what we're supposed to do about it.
Some people have relationships that just look so easy, so smooth, and so natural. How do they do it? Are they just lucky? Or are they doing something that everyone else is missing? In this episode, I sit down with John and Ana Mann, authors of the book "The Go-Giver Marriage." This interview (and their book) uncomplicates love and marriage in a really beautiful way. I hope you give it a listen, and check out their new book at: HTTP://gogivermarriage.com
Affairs are more common than you'd think. Roughly 50% of marriages are faced with some sort of infidelity at some point during their relationship. So... what do you do if you're caught up in an affair? What do you say if you've fallen hard for someone that's not your partner? How do you respond if your spouse just told you they've been cheating? How can you recover? That's what we're going to talk about in this episode with Kimberly Holmes from Marriage Helper.
Were you ever told that "Becoming One" was the ultimate goal in marriage? Or if you put your partner's needs before your own (and if they do the same) your relationship would flourish? Every day I see people who buy into these nice-sounding mindsets, only to watch their marriage slowly crumble. If you are: A fixer... Or you avoid negative emotions because you think they're bad... Or you find yourself turning to things like porn, video games, social media, or workaholism... Or you really struggle to ask for what you want... Or you're subtly dishonest and manipulative... You should check out the right now. There are only a few spots left, and doors close in a few days.
Dr. Robert Glover says,"Nice Guy Syndrome represents a belief that if Nice Guys are 'good,' they will be loved, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life. When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results — as it often does — Nice Guys usually just try harder, doing more of the same. Due to the sense of helplessness and resentment this pattern inevitably produces, Nice Guys are often anything but nice." Today, I sit down with 2 other recovering Nice Guys and talk about the toll Nice Guy Syndrome had on our relationships and some of the things we've done to try to get better. If you need help overcoming Nice Guy Syndrome, check out the . Spots are limited, so apply soon!
Is your partner checked out, no longer invested, withdrawn, or distant? Do you want to know what you can do to change them? To re-engage them? To get them invested in the marriage again? In this episode, I'll show you how the concepts of animal training can be utilized to help you take responsibility for your actions, words, and thoughts to influence change – and even transformation in your partner. The results often take time, but the proof is in the pudding: If you're truly committed, you can change your partner, and change your marriage... simply by changing yourself. 🙋♂️ If you are a husband who wants to experience how this works, apply for the Epic Husbands Experiment here: 🙋♀️ If you are a wife who wants to experience how this works, start the Epic Wives Experiment today:
This is the full, unedited version of my interview with Dr. Menije, the Queen of Perfectionism.
Perfectionism will ruin your happiness and fulfillment in life and in your relationships. Perfectionism is NOT a good thing. It's often a symptom of deeper issues, like depression, anxiety, or OCD. Check out this clip with Dr. Menije, the queen of perfectionism, to better understand what perfectionism is, why it's harmful, and what we can do about it!
If you're feeling tired, burned out, or like a failure... If you're feeling unfulfilled, unimportant, or disrespected... it could mean despair is creeping into your life. And despair can lead to resignation, checking out, apathy, and even nihilism. In today's episode, we talk about things you can do to get rid of the despair, and feel good again. For more from Chad, text: 844-479-0134 For the Epic Husband's Experiment, click: HTTP://epichusbandsexperiment.com
Depression has been a struggle we've dealt with throughout our marriage. It's even been at the source of some of our most painful arguments. In today's episode, we want to share about our journey with depression, and shed some light on what depression is, what it's like to struggle with it, and how you can help yourself, or your partner if they are struggling with it. Here's the article that helped Angilyn: Here's the service she used to take an assessment and meet with a provider:
You know who has happy marriages? Happy people. If you bring happiness into the marriage, it multiplies. If you rely purely on your partner to make you happy, the relationship consumes all the happiness and leaves miserable, demanding partners in its place. Find out how to create your own happiness in today's episode.
Truly incredible marriages don't happen by accident. In today's episode, we're going to talk about 4 qualities you need to develop in order for your marriage to be truly epic. If you don't... you'll likely get stuck in perpetual conflict, boring routines, and have an unfulfilling relationship. This episode matters a lot. It will change your perspective in a big way.
Today, I wanted to share a special presentation I did for couples struggling with unwanted pornography use. Most couples focus on the question, "How do we get rid of the porn?" And the porn keeps coming back... because they're focusing on the wrong thing. This episode will show you an alternative that has worked for thousands of couples... and I'm confident it will help you.
Laura Doyle is the NYT Bestselling author of The New York TImes Bestselling book The Surrendered Wife. Her advice about the importance of being a good receiver in this episode is game-changing. I hope you enjoy it! Check out more of her work at
Shock collars are used to train dogs not to leave the yard. They use pain and fear to incentivize action. Are there things you're doing in your marriage to inflict pain on your partner in exchange for compliance? What do you think is the cost of that?
Resentment is corrosive to your marriage. It can be a gift if you know what it's trying to tell you. But if you sit in it and let the resentment stew, it will corrode the love, trust, and connection in your relationship and leave you feeling angry, bitter, and alone. Today, Misty McIntyre joins me to talk about what to do when we're feeling resentful in marriage.
😱 Most people don't know that Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages (the most popular relationship book of all time), almost got divorced. 💡 As a matter of fact, it's because his relationship was in such a dark place that he discovered The 5 Love Languages. 🚨 If you want to see how Dr. Chapman saved his marriage and came up with the Love Languages concept that was subsequently turned into a book that's sold over 20 MILLION copies... check out this episode.
If you stay with your partner long enough, one thing is inevitable... you will eventually drift into Roommate Syndrome. Some people take it as a sign that the relationship isn't "right." That things are broken, and maybe the relationship needs to end. But what if Roommate Syndrome was a feature, not a bug? What if the miserable state of Roommate Syndrome was built into EVERY long-term committed relationship for a reason? That's what we're talking about today!
We demand more from our marriages today than we ever have in history... And yet we are busier and more distracted than we've ever been. Are these high expectations sustainable? Do we need to learn to "settle" for what we have? That's what we're talking about in today's episode...
There are so many ways a relationship can go wrong... Arguments, values conflicts, broken promises, exhaustion, busyness, the list goes on and on... With so many things working against your relationship, you have to be proactive to help things go right. Today I'm going to talk with Emma McAdam, LMFT. Emma loves helping people change and is willing to be creative in how she helps that happen. With her solution-centered approach and emphasis on building relationships, Emma works hard to help people find love, purpose, and joy in life. Emma is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the host of the Therapy In A Nutshell Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpuqYFKLkcEryEieomiAv3Q
Some women turn frogs into princes. And other women turn princes into frogs. Which one are you? Do you take a good partner and bring out the very worst in them? Or do you bring out the best?
If you ignore your problems, nothing changes and most things get worse. So, how are you going to address them? Well, it takes humility, courage, and wisdom. And you have all 3.
Last week my wife and daughter went back to the United States and left me alone in Costa Rica. I missed them a lot. And I learned a very important lesson while they were gone.
Can you really change your partner by changing yourself? Yes... and no. Today we're going to talk about the biggest mistake you can make when trying to change your marriage by changing yourself.
Think about the moments when you're at your worst... When you're pouting cause you don't get your way. When you're passive-aggressive, immature, or whiney. Would you want to be married to you? Probably not. So how do we get access to the best of ourselves when we're at our worst?
Jia Jang is an entrepreneur, he's a blogger. He's a TED speaker. He's an author. And he doesn't know this, but he is a personal role model for me. He helped me overcome my fear of being rejected. This episode will help you understand what you can do to deal with rejection from your partner (or anyone else) in a more healthy way than pouting, sulking, complaining, or guilt tripping.
You might think being a "fixer" is a good thing. It took me a long time to realize that can actually be detrimental to your relationships and happiness. Today I want to talk about four specific negative impacts being a fixer has on your relationship. And I'm going to give you my favorite tip that I use to help me from going into fix-it mode, and making my relationship significantly worse.
Annmarie Kelly is the author of The 5 Year Marriage. She and her husband have been married 7 times in their nearly 40 years together. In this episode she explains why getting remarried every 5 years has made their marriage so incredible.
In today's episode, we're going to talk about how to know whether or not you need couples therapy Nearly every day. I get somebody reaching out to me asking if I know a good therapist, if they need therapy, or what they should do if their partner doesn't want to go to therapy, how is their marriage going to get better? Now I want to start off by saying that I'm a firm believer that everybody could benefit from a really good therapist. But therapy isn't always a good fit for everyone...
“Busy-ness is the enemy of love.” I see this play out in relationships every day. People fill their lives with commitments. Piano lessons, dance classes, football practice, summer camp, PTA meetings, service projects, book clubs, high-demand jobs, zoom calls, credit card debt, mortgages they can't afford... They run around frantic and exhausted telling everyone that they're just so busy, and that life is so stressful. Sometimes they even wear it like a badge of honor... as if living life on the verge of a meltdown is honorable.
Ultimately, we can't have connection with our partner unless we feel safe. Yet often the things that we do to make ourselves feel safe are the things that push our partner farther away. Like storming out of the room in the middle of an argument. Or gossiping to other people, when you need validation that you're right and your partner's wrong. Or emotionally shutting down and withdrawing, when you feel blamed, judged, or like you've screwed up. It kind of makes love feel like this Catch 22. You can have safety at the expense of connection, or you can have connection at the expense of safety.
Dr. Gottman said, "Like the second law of thermodynamics, which says that in a closed energy system, things tend to run down and get less orderly. The same seems to be true of closed relationships like marriages. My guess is that if you do nothing to make things better in your marriage, but not do anything wrong, the marriage will still tend to get worse over time." Essentially what he's saying here is if you want to overcome this natural drift that will pull you apart over time, you have to do more than just not screw things up...
My wife does not have seem to want sex, and she never initiate sex. I'm at a loss here. I work hard. I try to help her around the house. I flirt with her she's okay snuggling or kissing, but the moment she feels or the things are moving towards sex she shuts down. She says that I don't give her enough space to initiate. So I back off and then I wait and I wait and then nothing ever happens. Then I feel sad, grumpy, withdrawn, and rejected. When I bring this up to my wife, she gets frustrated saying that I'm in charge of my own body. And if I want something I should ask for initiate and initiate it myself, having sex less than once a week, isn't enough for me. I'm starting to feel resentful. I'm reluctant to initiate because I'm tired of facing the rejection. What do I do?
Mira Kirshenbaum defines betrayal as, "When someone does something that breaks a fundamental promise, or violates a fundamental expectation and does so in a way that significantly hurts your peace of mind." In her book, "I Love You, But I Don't Trust You" she states that between 40 and 70% of couples know they have significant problems with trust. And at least 90% of couples will have a crisis of trust at some point. So... how do you recover when you've experienced a betrayal? What should you do to restore trust after you've been hurt? Can your marriage survive after a betrayal? Will it ever be the same again?
I didn’t even realize how much anxiety was subtly wrecking my relationship until I read Dr. Kathleen Smith’s book, . Dr. Smith’s book helped me realize that I’ve developed extremely effective anxiety coping mechanisms that kept me confronting my insecurities and weaknesses head-on. There are two problems with this. First, anxiety typically precedes growth. And if I can’t learn to face my anxieties head-on, I will never get the lessons or enjoy the growth that lives on the other side. Second, the things that make us anxious don’t magically go away if we pretend they don’t exist. If all we do is avoid what makes us anxious (consciously or unconsciously), we’re just allowing our problems to compound. Dr. Smith lays out five different coping strategies that we all rely on to avoid feeling anxious in our relationships: #1 Relationship Triangles Every relationship triangle (or drama triangle) consists of 3 people: The persecutor, the rescuer, and the victim. Whenever you feel anxious, hurt, betrayed, or offended by another person, we often turn ourselves into the victim. The person who wronged us, judged us, or criticized us becomes the persecutor. And the person we vent to, or gossip with becomes the rescuer. We use the rescuer to give us validation, affirmation, and make us feel like we are good and right and justified, while the persecutor is bad, and wrong, and irrational. Relationship triangles typically involve gossiping, venting, scapegoating, criticizing, and blaming others for our pain or unfortunate circumstances. It’s a great way to avoid dealing with an issue head on – by simply having a conversation with the person who hurt you. #2 Overfunctioning Overfunctioners are famous for saying things like, “If I don’t do it, it’ll never get done.” Or, “If you want it done right, you’d better do it yourself.” People slip into overfunctioning for what often seems to be altruistic or selfless reasons. “I don’t want my daughter to fail math and not get into college… so I’ll just help him with his homework.” “I don’t want my husband to die of heart disease, so I’ll wake up early and make him a healthy lunch every day.” “I don’t want the Christmas party to flop, so I’ll just plan it myself again this year.” Overfunctioners take on too much responsibility because it makes them anxious to leave the fate of something important in someone else’s hands. It also feels really good (temporarily) to be the person EVERYONE relies on. The linchpin. The go-to guy. But eventually the Overfunctioning takes its toll. You start to get worn out and resentful. You start to say things like, “Why am I the only one who cares?” Or, “Why can’t someone else make a decision for once?” What you don’t realize is that your controlling nature has trained everyone that you’ll take care of everything for them. They don’t need to put in any effort, because you’ll always swoop in at the last minute to save the day. Overfunctioners are famous for always wanting to be in charge, constantly giving unsolicited advice, and needing constant reassurance (or being constantly reassuring). #3 Underfunctioning Underfunctioning is the opposite of overfunctioning. When underfunctioners feel stressed, they shut down, withdraw, and hide. They beat up on themselves for always being a disappointment, letting others down, and failing at their goals. They live in a state of shame and self-loathing. They commit to things, then stop responding to you when you need an update. They ghost you when they let you down rather than having a conversation about it. Underfunctioners are masters of acting helpless, relying on the reassurance of others, avoiding confrontation, and always letting other people make decisions. #4 Conflict Many people use conflict as a way to avoid anxiety. I know it might sound weird considering conflict can actually cause anxiety, but conflict can actually be a great way to avoid the things that make us most uncomfortable. For example, when someone points out one of your flaws or something you’re insecure about… You could get curious about it, own up to it, laugh about it, or work on it. Or… you could get incredibly defensive, act offended, pick a fight, and make a scene. We use conflict to avoid staring in the mirror. We intentionally escalate difficult conversations so the conversation will end. Being dramatic, defensive, focusing on the flaws of others, pointing out how other people are the problem, and insisting that other people change are classic strategies for people who use conflict to avoid anxiety. #5 Distance The last coping strategy for anxiety is creating distance. Sometimes the distance is physical… but most often it’s emotional. Distancers are great at avoiding controversial topics and keeping conversation superficial. They use snark and sarcasm so that nobody ever takes them seriously. They numb out with substances like drugs and alcohol, or activities like video games, social media apps, or trashy reality TV. Distancers don’t want to get overly attached or involved with anyone. They keep themselves at a safe distance. They reject compliments. They bail at the last minute. Closeness makes them anxious, so they keep the world at arm’s length. Which Strategy Do You Use? So, which of these 5 strategies do you turn to when you’re feeling anxious? How are these coping mechanisms keeping you from connecting with those around you? How are you preventing your own development and personal growth? Ultimately, anxiety can be one of our greatest teachers. It can be the gateway to self-understanding, intimacy, trust, and empathy. But we only get the benefits if we stop running from it, and ask it what it’s trying to teach us. For more on learning to manage your anxiety, check my hour-long interview with Dr. Smith here.
Stonewalling is the 4th of the Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse. Here’s where you can catch the past installments that cover Criticism, Defensiveness, and Contempt. Stonewalling is when you shut down, and completely tune your partner out. You act like you couldn’t care less about what they’re saying. Men are famous for doing this. Statistics show that 85% of the time, the stonewaller is the man in the relationship. It’s easy to jump to the conclusion that this is a conscious, antagonistic behavior men use to just push their partner’s buttons… but the reality is that Stonewalling is a natural reaction to emotional flooding - the feeling of complete overwhelm, and powerlessness to stop the emotional tidal wave. It’s essentially a human’s way of playing dead in the hopes that a predator will give up the fight. Here’s one of the best examples we’ve ever seen of stonewalling in a movie: If you’re ever upset at your partner and they get that 1,000 yard stare on their face, that’s a sign that they’re stonewalling. You can also check their body language for signs of stonewalling. If they’re turning away from you. If they’re making their body smaller by hunching over, or crossing their arms. Or if they’re noticeably avoiding eye contact, they might be feeling flooded and “playing dead.” When interviewed, people who stonewall often say that they’re just trying calm down and not to make the situation worse. But despite the good intentions, stonewalling sends a loud message that you just don’t care. You’re checked out. If you notice your partner doing this, it’s time to stop the conversation. Your partner will need some time to breathe, calm their nerves, get their adrenaline levels and heart rate down, and reset. It would be helpful to have a conversation with them about what triggered the emotional flooding. Was it the topic? Was it the tone of the conversation? Was it the words that were used? Identify what you can do together to have conflict conversations that don’t lead to emotional flooding and emotional shut-downs. If you are prone to stonewalling, you can develop the skill of self-soothing. Learning how to breathe, relax, calm your thoughts and lower your heart rate in stressful moments will have a huge payoff for you. Some people like to go for walks when they notice they are feeling emotionally flooded. Some people listen to music, or work out. Some people just need to take a few minutes to meditate or breathe. Learning to identify when you’re feeling flooded, and calm yourself quickly is a skill that will truly help your marriage in amazing ways. How To Apply What You’ve Learned: If you’ve noticed that stonewalling has been a problem in your relationship, have a conversation about what causes the emotional flooding, how to prevent it, and create a plan you can follow when it happens in the future. Get specific with your plan. Come up with a safeword you can use or a script you can follow. Setting clear rules about how to handle situations like this, then keeping the rules, will prevent the 4th Horseman from ever threatening your relationship.
Today we’re going to talk about the 3nd Horseman of the Marriage Apocalypse… contempt. Click here if you want to learn about the first or second horsemen. Dr. Gottman calls contempt the sulfuric acid of love. Needless to say, contempt is frickin’ dangerous if it’s present in your relationship. So pay attention to this post, because I’m going to teach you how to deal with contempt when it shows up, and then set up protections to prevent it from ever creeping back in! Contempt is dangerous because it robs the relationship of equality and mutual respect. When a partner is acting out of contempt, they are putting themselves above the other person. Contempt is making yourself smart, and your partner an idiot. It’s making yourself right, and your partner a moron for even thinking they could be right. It’s making yourself the good one, or clean one, or punctual one, or considerate one, or helpful one, or thoughtful one... and then making your partner the wrongest, messiest, most inconsiderate and least helpful person around. Contempt is putting yourself above your partner. It’s making them feel small, unimportant or less-than in some way. A typical sign that you’re being contemptuous is if you’re using weapons like name-calling, swearing, belittling, demeaning comments, mocking, or eye-rolling to get your way or prove a point. Contempt is usually caused by the buildup of frustration and resentment over time. It creeps into the relationship slowly, then explodes and does serious damage. Nothing will destroy your relationship faster than contemptuous behavior. Preventing Contempt If you want to prevent yourself from falling into the contempt trap, the best thing you can do is learn to practice constant, sincere gratitude. Fill your relationship with appreciation! Gratitude connects, where contempt drives you and your partner apart. Gratitude fosters empathy which puts you and your partner on equal footing. Contempt puts one partner above another. Gratitude makes you appreciate all the wonderful things about your partner. Contempt makes you focus on all of your partner’s faults. If you want to protect your relationship from contempt, practice gratitude constantly. If You’re the Recipient of Contempt If you’re the recipient of contempt, here are some things you can do: First: Call it out for what it is. Say something like, “The way you’re talking to me is hurtful. It’s not ok.” Next: Take a break “I’m going to go take a walk. We can revisit this when I come back.” Then: Have a conversation about the conversation After taking a break, and before diving back into the conflict conversation, have a chat about how to more effectively have the conversation. Ask each other questions like: “What is the ideal outcome of this conversation? What did I do when we talked the last time that contributed to it going poorly? What can I do next time to ensure we don’t lose our tempers, or fall into the trap of contempt again?” If you can take some time to reflect on the mistakes you make as a couple that invite contempt into your relationship, you can take steps to prevent it from happening again. If contempt is a part of your everyday life, I highly recommend seeking out a good couples therapist - to help you overcome these dangerous and harmful habits. How To Apply What You’ve Learned: Since the best antidote to contempt is gratitude, set a gratitude goal for yourself for this week. How are you going to practice gratitude daily? How can you switch from contempt to gratitude when you’re feeling emotionally revved up? How can you use gratitude to help you with gentle start-ups when you have a complaint you want to address?
Defensiveness is the second of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It typically shows up right on the heels of the first horseman: Criticism. (.) Defensiveness is the trap my wife and I fall into most often. Defensiveness is always an attempt to protect yourself from a perceived attack. A defensive response usually implies, “The problem isn’t me… it’s you!” Defensiveness shows up in two different ways: Cross-complaining, and playing the innocent victim. Here’s an example things of how things unfold when criticism and the cross-complaining form of defensiveness are in the picture: “Would you clean up your dirty laundry, you always leave such a mess!” (Criticism) “Oh yeah? Well what about all your dishes down in the sink, and our filthy car that you always leave your junk in?” (Defensiveness) “Don’t even get me started on junk. I can barely even walk through the garage without tripping over one of your tools.” (Even more defensiveness…) See how that works? Let me rephrase that. See how that doesn’t work? The other way to be defensive is to whine or play the role of the innocent victim. This may include statements like, “You’re always picking on me,” or “I guess I just can’t do anything right.” Most of the time, phrases like this are used in an attempt to score pity points, or get validation from your partner while taking the focus off of the problem. Defensiveness can send you into a nasty endless spiral. It’s always about avoiding taking responsibility and shifting the blame to someone else. Defensiveness will turn your marriage into a conflict dumpster fire. The masters of marriage know how to combat defensiveness. They do it by taking responsibility for at least some part of the problem. Here’s an example: Jane called Andy at noon and asked him what time he’d be home from work so she could plan what time to start cooking dinner in order to have the whole family eat together. He told her he’d be home by 5:30, 5:45 at the latest. Then, right before 5:00, Andy’s boss came into his office and dropped a big, last-minute project on him. It was the difference between keeping a big client and losing them. Andy jumped into the project hoping that if he worked fast enough he wouldn’t be too late. He lost track of time, and at 5:50 his phone rang. It was Jane. She was wondering if he was almost home. “Actually,” Andy said. “I haven’t left yet. My boss gave me a big project at the last minute.” Jane was obviously hurt and frustrated. “Why didn’t you call and tell me?” “I didn’t even think about it. It’s just been crazy here this afternoon.” “Too crazy to even text me?” She snapped. “Look, I’ve been working hard all day to provide for the family. Give me a break. It’s not like I can just tell my boss ‘No.’” You know where this conversation is going… absolutely nowhere. And neither partner is going to walk away feeling good. On the other hand, what if the conversation went like this: We’ll start over in the middle… Andy looks at his phone and it’s his wife calling... “What, was work so crazy that you couldn’t even text me?” Jane snapped. “Actually, no probably not.” Andy said, “I’m sorry. Yeah this is a big, last-minute project, but still I should have called. I dropped the ball big time on this one. That was really inconsiderate on my part.” Jane heard the remorse in Andy’s voice. She knew he knew he’d screwed up. “It’s ok honey, I understand. My feelings are hurt, but I’ll get over it. When can I expect you home?” “I should be out the door in 30 minutes. I’ll set a timer as soon as I hang up the phone with you. And I’ll talk to my boss tomorrow about cutting out early from work on Friday. I’ll plan a date, and book a sitter to make up for blowing family dinner tonight. I love you, babe.” “Love you too, honey.” Taking responsibility deescalates tension, and gets rid of any reason for defensiveness. It opens the doors to connection, empathy, teamwork, and understanding. Sometimes it’s really hard to take responsibility. Especially in the moments where you feel convinced that you’ve done nothing wrong. Maybe you feel like the one who’s been hurt. Some of the most difficult times in your relationship will be when both you and your partner are feeling hurt and defensive. Your defensiveness will start spiraling out of control and your emotions will ricochet off each other. These are the times where you have to dig deep. Despite your hurt, you have to take ownership. Even if it’s small. Something like, “Yeah, I could have said that better.” Or, “I can see how I could have come across as being a jerk when I acted that way.” In the moment, it sucks to be the one who takes responsibility first. But you’ll quickly find that once you’re willing to own up to your part in a conflict, your partner will often soften and reciprocate. That’s when the magic happens. Suddenly you start moving closer together and connecting instead of being driven apart. Your conflict has magically turned into connection. Now, Let’s Apply This Everyone is defensive from time to time. Sometimes we cross-complain. Sometimes we make ourselves the innocent victim. Think of a disagreement or conflict you’ve had recently. Maybe it’s with your partner, or your boss, your child, or a friend. How did defensiveness show up in that conversation? What could you have taken responsibility for instead of making excuses or deflecting the responsibility to someone or something else?
Criticism: The Gateway To Marriage Misery In marriage, one thing is a given: At some point you and your partner are going to disagree on something. It might be something small like where to eat for dinner on your next date night, what brand of toothpaste to buy, or which Netflix show to stream next. Or it could be something big like how to manage your finances, how you’re going to spend your holidays, or how often you’d like to have sex and who should initiate. It’s impossible for two people with completely different upbringings, backgrounds, and family dynamics to agree on everything in life all the time. Learning to navigate these moments of stress and conflict is what separates the masters of marriage from the disasters. As a matter of fact, there’s been a HUGE amount of research done on marital conflict, and researchers have found that how you handle these disagreements - both big and small - has the biggest impact on whether or not you stay together as a couple… and if you stay together, whether or not you have a happy marriage, or a miserable one. Dr. John Gottman, whose work we’ll be referencing throughout this challenge, has built a mathematical model that can predict divorce with a 91% accuracy, and one of the key factors in his model is how a couple deals with conflict. This is a big deal! My goal over the next few weeks is to introduce you to the Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse. I’ll show you how these horsemen will derail and destroy your marriage… and how to deal with them when they inevitably show up. (Because they ABSOLUTELY will.) Your Primary Objective over the next 4 weeks is to identify at least one bad conflict habit that you bring to the relationship, and create an action plan to change that habit. The Four Horsemen are the things Dr. Gottman looks for when he’s trying to predict divorce. No relationship is immune to the Four Horsemen. So, if I talk about one and you’re like, “Hey… that’s me… I do that.” there’s no reason to freak out. My goal here is to help you identify, and start to change these habits to get your marriage headed in the right direction. Today, we are going to start with the first horseman: Criticism Have you ever experienced something like this... You're having a great time with your partner. You’re laughing and getting along. You’re feeling good… and then, out of the blue, you feel criticized. When something like this happens, do you shut down? Do you get angry? Do you immediately turn off and change your behavior? Do you get defensive? Criticism is a super sneaky relationship killer. Often it starts off with good intentions. “I’m just going to let my partner know how they could improve so our relationship can be better!” We expect our partner to show up to a conversation with a notepad and say, “Wow, thanks for letting me know I’m defective in all these ways! I’m going to go work on this. Maybe next week we can get together and you can tell me more things about me that make you miserable?” Criticism kills your partner’s most attractive qualities. It shuts down their ability to feel confident, passionate, authentic, and emotionally available. These are the exact qualities that cause people to fall in love, and stay in love! Criticism is different than complaining. Complaining is when you bring up a behavior or action that bothers you. Criticism is when you attack or blame someone’s character. Complaining stays specific, sticking to isolated incidents... Criticism is almost always based on generalizations based on specific incidents… using words like “you always” or “you never”. Complaining is an attempt to improve the relationship. Criticism tears your partner down and blames them for your problems. Here’s an example: Giving Criticism vs. Complaints Suzy and Kent have been married for a few years. Kent and Suzy both hate washing dishes, so they tend to pile up. Kent decided it was his turn to wash dishes and spent 45 minutes cleaning the pile. Just as he finished, Suzy walked into the kitchen and poured herself a cup of milk and made herself a plate of cookies to munch on while they watched a show on Netflix. When she was done, she left the dirty plate and cup on the coffee table. Kent was majorly irritated. He said, “What the heck?! You always do this! You’re so disrespectful. You know I just spent the last 30 minutes cleaning all the dishes, and then you go make more dishes dirty and just leave them out? You’re so freaking disrespectful!” Can you spot the criticism? Kent attacked Suzy’s character using statements that were a direct attack on Suzy and her character rather than the behavior he wanted her to change. Did you also notice the harsh startup that we talked about yesterday? If you did, good job! Now here’s an example of a different way Ken could have handled this situation. “Hey Babe, I just worked really hard to clean the kitchen. It would mean a lot to me if you would clean up your dishes before bed.” See the difference? First, there’s a soft startup. Then you see Ken’s polite request for her to correct a behavior without making it about her being defective as a human being. By avoiding giving criticism, you keep your partner open and responsive to the qualities that allow for attraction, connection, and love to flourish and thrive. Receiving A Complaint Don’t forget, the door swings both ways. Sometimes you’ll be bringing up the complaints you have about your partner’s behavior in the relationship… but sometimes your partner is going to have complaints about your behavior! Not being able to handle your partner making a complaint against your behavior is just as damaging to your relationship as delivering a criticism. If your partner delivers a complaint, take ownership and be responsible for whatever you can regarding your behavior. When you don't agree with your partner, it's easy to diminish your partner. You can think or say things like, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Or, “What’s the matter with you? If that bothers you, you’re the problem, not me.” Another common reaction is to internalize the complaint and make it personal when it’s not. “I am a terrible wife. I just can’t do anything right, I guess. I’m such a failure.” We become self-critical. We turn our partner’s genuine attempt to connect with us and improve the relationship into a negative and damaging experience. Suddenly your partner has to move their focus from the behavior to trying to make you feel better about yourself. Instead of shifting the focus to yourself by becoming self-critical, or to your partner by dismissing or belittling their perspective when they offer a complaint, keep the focus on the issue at hand. Suzy from the example above could say something like, “Hey, thanks for the reminder! I’ll put my cup and plate away. I really appreciate that you did the dishes. You’re awesome.” See how easy that was? Now you can go to bed in a good mood and maybe even have some sexy times! Apply The Lesson Your Application Exercise for today is to Learn to complain without blaming. We’ll provide a few examples of very common criticisms… Take the time to re-write them as complaints instead. Don’t use words like “You always…” or “You never…” Focus on critiquing the behavior, not your partner or their character. If your partner begins to get defensive, one of the best things you can do is calmly notice it and let them know with kindness that you’re not trying to be critical of them.
"I hate conflict... is there a way I can be in a relationship without ever having to deal with it?" "I feel like I'm always the reason other people are disappointed." "I'm never good enough, and my partner will never be happy with me." "I try so hard, but it seems like I can never get things right." "What's important to me doesn't matter to anyone else." "There are different ways we develop an attachment to the people we love." "A lot of this comes from the way we were raised." "I'm a failure..." These are the types of thoughts someone with Avoidant Attachment is often thinking. In this workshop, we're going to give Avoidant partners and those married to an Avoidant partner tools and strategies to develop a more Secure Attachment. This workshop was originally streamed live in the Epic Marriage Club. If you want to participate live in future workshops, and get access to an amazing community of humans who value their marriages just like you, .
"I'm too much." "I'm not lovable." "My partner doesn't care about me." "We never resolve things... everything always gets swept under the rug." "My partner always dismisses my feelings." "Why don't my needs matter?" These are the thoughts of someone who struggles with Anxious Attachment. People who struggle with Anxious Attachment are always looking for affirmation, validation, and reassurance from their partner. They want to know everything is ok, and that they are still worthy of love. Oftentimes the strategies they use to get that validation ends up pushing their partner away, and creating a self-fulfilling prophesy. Today we're going to talk with attachment expert, Kyle Benson about Anxious Attachment, and how to develop a more secure attachment in our relationships.
Are you feeling burned out in your marriage? Are you constantly stressed and overwhelmed? Are you exhausted all the time? Are you feeling lonely and depressed? Maybe you’re growing resentful of your partner. You might be secretly asking yourself, “Did I marry the right person?” Or wondering how long your marriage will last if nothing changes. If this sounds like you, you’re not alone. Every day I talk to people who are on the verge of burnout. They’re desperate for a change. Most people on the verge of burnout trend to blame their partner or other circumstances for their misery. “If they’d just put in some effort, things would be different…” But the actual reason for burnout is seldom a partner’s neglect. Typically burnout can be attributed to one of three causes. If you address the actual causes of burnout, the relationship tends to heal and improve. Couples start to reconnect, play, and flirt with each other again. It’s like the relationship takes on a new life. Want to know what the three common causes of burnout are that I see? 1. The Foundation of Friendship is Weak Your relationship is built on a foundation of friendship consisting of 3 pillars: I Know You I Like You I Have Your Back When you and your partner get busy with life, and consumed with other responsibilities... Or you stop having fun together and expressing gratitude for one another... Or you stop keeping promises to each other, and things like criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt creep into your marriage… Your relationship starts draining you. When the amount of time, energy, and effort you put into your relationship always exceeds what you get out of it, you’ll eventually run out of steam, and your desire to contribute to the marriage will disappear. Keeping your foundation strong is absolutely essential if you want to avoid burning out. 2. You’re Not Setting Or Maintaining Clear Boundaries are meant to protect the things that are most important to you, like your time, your relationships, your energy, your attention. They create clarity around what you are responsible for, and what you’re not responsible for, like a fence around a home. Some signs that you’re not good with boundaries are: You sometimes feel resentful towards people you typically care about You tolerate disrespectful or unkind behavior at the expense of your own well being You feel frustrated that you spend so much time with people or on projects that aren't a priority for you You feel responsible when other people are angry, upset, unkind, anxious, or sad... You blame other people when you are angry, upset, unkind, anxious or sad You sometimes use manipulation, passive-aggression, or guilt-tripping to get what you want When people are constantly steamrolling you, taking advantage of your kindness and generosity, and you never give yourself permission to recharge… you are going to get burned out. Learning to say “No” to things that are urgent but not a priority is key to developing appropriate boundaries. 3. You’ve Lost Touch With Your Core Values determine what’s important to you and why. They guide you through conflict, and set your conscience on fire when they’re being ignored. When you make decisions that conflict with your core values, it will unsettle you, or even make you angry or resentful without even realizing it. Everyone’s core values are unique, and if you’re not clear what yours are, you will find yourself feeling aimless, and feeling constantly “off.” Some signs that you might not be living in alignment with your Core Values are: Family or friends ever tell you, "you're so hard on yourself" You feel like your life lacks purpose other than taking care of everyone else’s needs You have a hard time making decisions… even small ones that don’t seem to matter You feel like you’ve lost touch with who you truly are You sometimes feel like you lack self confidence? You resent others who seem to have a clear direction or “mission” for their lives? Two reasons people lose touch with their core values… The first is that most people never take the time to figure out what their core values are in the first place. Brené Brown says, “We cannot live [our core values] if we don't know them and name them.” The second is that they mistake a role they value for a core value that defines their identity. It’s common to see this with mothers. They have children and take on the role of a mother. The role consumes them and becomes their identity. Then, when their role changes and the kids no longer need them, they have an identity crisis. They have spent so much time defining themselves by a role they filled that they lost track of their core values… the things that make up their identity. Living out of alignment with your core values will make you feel exhausted, and like you’re living a life without meaning. Why Are Your Burned Out? So, now that you know the main causes of burnout… which one do you identify with? Clarity is power, and when you understand what’s causing you to have problems, you can then start to take action and do something about them.If you want support, a great place to start is the Epic Marriage Club.
Do you have a hard time thinking of things to talk about on your date night other than coordinating logistics, and kids? Are there conversations you avoid, and conflicts that have gone unresolved for too long? Do you feel like you and your partner are drifting apart and turning into that boring couple you swore you’d never be? Well, it’s probably because you’re not having a weekly Marriage Meeting. A Marriage Meeting is like a Staff Meeting. It’s an opportunity to connect, talk about logistics, calendars, and budgets. It’s also a chance to check the pulse of your relationship. How are things going? What’s going well? What can you improve on. Couples who don’t have regular, effective marriage meetings typically drift apart from each other over time and end up stuck in Roommate Syndrome… or worse. I want to make your Marriage Meetings easy for you. So, here are 5 things you should talk about with your partner every week during your “State of the Union.” 1. Gratitudes A good marriage meeting is one that doesn’t leave either partner dreading the next week’s meeting. So, one of your goals should always be to focus on the positive. That’s why I like to start every Marriage Meeting by expressing gratitude. What are the things your partner did for you this week that made your life easier? What are some of the “expected” things they do that you haven’t acknowledged them for recently? When did you see them at their best? What attitudes, behaviors, and words they said meant the most to you over the last week? Acknowledge them for these things. Not only will it help you feel more attraction and fondness towards your partner, but it will condition you both to always be on the lookout for the good things instead of slipping into the trap we are all susceptible to… only seeing the bad. 2. Celebrations After you’ve expressed gratitude, spend a few minutes celebrating your wins both inside and outside your marriage. Did you handle conflict better than you have in the past? Celebrate!Did you complete a big project at work? Call it out! Were you consistent with a fitness or nutrition goal? Revel in that victory with your partner! Your life is full of wins, both large and small. Acknowledging them… and even celebrating them is a great way to cultivate a strong bond with your partner. Who doesn’t want to be married to their biggest cheerleader? 3. Plans Logistics are boring, but they’re necessary to talk about when you share a life and a family with someone. If you’ve never done Marriage Meetings before, I’d advice that you initially try to keep this part of the conversation short… especially if one of you is reluctant to have this weekly meeting, or maybe they tend to default to a highly emotionally reactive. Go over your calendars together. Make sure all the important stuff is taken care of. Plan your date (or decide who’s planning it this week). As you get better at having a weekly Marriage Meeting, you can start talking about things like finances, or retirement, or checking in on bigger goals like saving for vacations, or paying off your house. 4. Improvements It’s important to talk about how your marriage can be better. But unless you’ve created a high degree of trust in your relationship, giving each other “feedback” isn’t going to go well. That’s why I recommend people who are new to the Marriage Meeting to skip this phase entirely for the first few months. When you’re ready to start talking about how to improve things in your marriage, be careful not to fall into the common trap of defensiveness. Defensiveness is an instinctual response we all have to when we feel like we’re under attack. So, the goal here is to avoid “attacking” our partner. (Or doing anything that could be perceived as being an attack, a criticism, or an affront on their character.) Complaining about what went wrong in the past is easy. But it’s not very helpful or effective! When you’re talking about “improvements” in your marriage, try to stay future-facing. Ask your partner for things that can help them be better next week, instead of dragging them through all their failures of the last week. Ask your partner what you could do to be a better partner for them in the future instead of how you let them down in the past. Talk about what you will do to handle conflict better in the future rather than trying to rehash who was right and who was wrong during that fight a few days ago. You can’t change the past… But you CAN change the future. And focusing your attention on what you can control will help you and your partner avoid getting defensive… and your Marriage Meetings will be FAR more enjoyable. 5. Affection After you’ve gone through all these steps, make sure you end your Marriage Meeting with some sort of meaningful physical affection. Some couples share a long hug, or a passionate kiss. Some have a special best-friends handshake. Some make love to each other. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you take some time to physically connect. This is a great positive way to wrap up your Marriage Meeting. Follow these 5 steps, and I guarantee your date nights will be more fun, you’ll have more opportunities to play and flirt with each other, and your relationship will improve. It will help you stop feeling like business partners, and start feeling like lovers again.
I talk to couples every single day about their relationships. When I ask them what their biggest struggle is, 9/10 of ten they say, “Communication!” “We keep having the same fights over and over again.” “My partner just gets so defensive. We literally can’t talk about anything.” “We just don’t give each other the benefit of the doubt anymore.” Most people THINK the solution is to learn new communication skills. To follow scripts like, “When you do _______, I feel ______.” But most of the time, tactics like this don’t work… Because you don’t have a communication skills problem. Think about it for a second… Do you have a friend, family member, or coworker in your life with whom you don’t have these “communication problems?” Is there someone you talk to on the regular that doesn’t take everything you say out of context, or turn everything into an argument? For most people I talk to, there is. And if you have someone like that in your life, you probably have all the “skills” you need to be a relatively effective communicator. (Though there’s always room for improvement.) What most people don’t understand is that effective communication in a relationship is built on a strong foundation. And if that foundation is weak, you communicate poorly with the other person. If the foundation is strong, you tend to have an easy time sharing your thoughts and feelings with the other person. The foundation I’m talking about is your friendship. When I say the word “friendship” I’m not talking about knowing someone for a long time, or having some shared memories together. I’m talking about something very specific. A strong “Foundation of Friendship” consists of 3 pillars: I know you I like you I have your back I guarantee that if you think of the person with whom you communicate well, all three of these pillars are strong. And if your communication is struggling in your marriage, one of these pillars is weak. Let’s break them down for a moment. I Know You “I know you,” means I know what you have going on in your life. Your worries, fears, desires, goals, dreams, likes, dislikes, stressors, victories, and defeats... The reality of marriage is that at the beginning, it’s fun to learn about your partner. They are the source of all this newness, excitement, and intrigue. But the more time we spend with them, the more comfortable we become… and we lose our curiosity. Couple that with the fact that life gets busy. Family, work, hobbies, friends, and all the demands that we have on our time makes it really hard to stay tuned-in to our partner’s life. It’s not uncommon for couples to “drift apart,” then wake up a few years later and realize “” Here are some signs that your “I Know You” pillar might be weak: You spend the majority of your time talking about logistics and/or kids instead of connecting, laughin, or flirting If you had to buy your partner a present that would delight them right now, you’d have no clue what to get them You can’t think of anything to say on You can’t name your partner’s best friends You don’t know what your partner’s #1 stressor is right now You don’t know what recent accomplishments your partner is proud of I Like You “I like you” means I enjoy spending time with you. I think you’re a pretty great human. I see the goodness you add to my life. When you like your partner, your eyes light up when they walk into the room. You get excited to spend time with them, or tell them about your day. You make plans to be together, and you laugh at each others jokes. When couples have a strong “I Know You” and a strong “I Have Your Back” but a weak “I Like You”, they often say things like, “Let’s stay together for the kids.” They make a decent team. They have some shared goals. But they don’t spend more time tolerating each other than enjoying each other’s company. Here are some signs that your “I Like You” pillar is weak: There’s lots of eye-rolling and exasperated sighs If you’re kissing, it’s only quick pecks. There aren’t many passionate makeouts. Date nights are few and far between You regularly complain about your partner to friends, family, or coworkers You’ve got some major resentment built up Your partner gets offended or defensive whenever you bring up an issue or area for improvement I Have Your Back “I’ve Got Your Back” is all about trust. Can I count on you? Will you follow through on your promises and commitments? Will you be there when I need you most? Can I be certain that you won’t take advantage of me? You can’t have a strong foundation for any relationship without trust. And without trust, you lose any shot at good communication, because you’ll always be second-guessing if what you’re saying or hearing is reliable. If your “I Have Your Back” is weak: You say/hear things like, “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.” You or your partner are emotional time bombs waiting to go off. (You can’t share anything difficult.) Promises don’t carry any weight or value anymore You feel lonely in your relationship Your partner doesn’t respond to, or completely ignores your efforts to connect with them (or vice versa) There’s lots of eye-rolling, and sarcastic sighing The difference between you succeeding or failing at navigating really difficult issues in y our marriage has very little to do with your ability to communicate… But it has everything to do with whether or not the 3 pillars of your friendship are strong. Now, which of your 3 pillars is weak? And what are you going to do to work on them? If you want help, check out the . There’s no better way to ensure you’re regularly doing the things to keep your Foundation of Friendship strong, and to add positive momentum to your marriage.
Is your husband more interested in video games, work, or sports than you? Do you feel like he’s checked-out? Has he stopped caring about your marriage? Are you trying to think of ways to convince him to go to therapy? Do you wonder why he doesn’t seem to care about your happiness or your marriage? Do you ever feel rejected, hurt, sad, abandoned, afraid for the future of your marriage? If so, you’re not alone. But here’s the deal… nobody gets married with the hope of having an “OK” marriage. So, what’s the key? Well, let me tell you a little story... My wife and I recently got back from a walk around a lake at a nearby park. Halfway around the lake she turned to look at me and said, “I feel so lucky. I honestly feel like I fall more in love with you every day that we’re married.” She was so sincere, it brought tears to my eyes. Now, I’m not sharing this with you to make you feel jealous or inadequate. I’m not trying to pat myself on the back at all. It’s actually the exact opposite. Let me explain… The reason my wife sees me as such an amazing husband doesn’t have much to do with me. I’m just a normal guy. I play video games, follow sports (go Jazz!), and watch Star Wars movies. I regularly fart in bed… then laugh maniacally. Sometimes when I’m tired, stressed, or hangry (especially hangry) I say mean things that hurt my wife’s feelings. So, if I’m so incredibly average, why does she feel so great about being married to me? It’s definitely not my looks… I’m balding and have a serious case of dad-bod. The answer is this powerful cocktail of things my wife does… often without even realizing it. When she does these things it’s like a drug for me. I can’t help but stop being lazy. I turn off the TV so I can connect with her. I think about her when I’m out with my buddies, or traveling on a business trip… and can’t wait to get back home to her. I romance her with flowers and love notes. I clean the entire house while she’s at work. I kiss her more passionately than when we were dating. Sometimes I’m amazed at how she can unlock my potential as a husband simply by being my “love drug dealer.” I mean, who wouldn’t want to unlock more connection, intimacy, honesty, and mutual support?! Wanna know what she does that gets me to be the best husband I can be? The best way to explain what she does is to quote Myron Golden, a speaker I heard at a conference last month. He asked the audience, “Why does anyone do anything?” The answer? “Because they feel like it.” When something makes us feel good, we want to do more of it. Essentially, it all boils down to drugs. The reason people do drugs is because it makes them feel good! Taking a substance like heroin, ecstasy or cocaine, releases a boat-load of reward chemicals into your brain, like serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. I’m oversimplifying the brain science here, but essentially, the release of these brain-chemicals is SO POWERFUL when you do drugs, that you will do ANYTHING to experience more of it. But illegal drugs aren’t the only way you can get a hit of those reward chemicals. You get a similar hit from the reward-center of the brain when you accomplish a big goal, receive a compliment, serve someone selflessly, fall in love, or when you eat a really delicious meal. So… why do I help around the house, make an effort to be emotionally supportive, encourage my wife to spend time with her friends, buy her flowers, and kiss her passionately? I do those things because she is my drug dealer… My wife is really good at giving me a regular hit of reward chemicals in my brain so that I actually crave investing in our relationship. She knows that if I do something she likes, and she responds with enthusiastic gratitude, appreciation, or praise, I’m gonna want to do more of that thing! She’s making me “addicted” to loving her. That’s #SCIENCE It’s incredible what happens when you know how to get your partner “addicted” to your marriage. How would you feel if your partner would give up anything to make sure he’s putting your marriage first? How would it be if he started looking forward to help you around the house without you even asking? What about if he started making decisions with regards to finances, or parenting, or in-laws based on the impact it could have on you? Is that something you want to learn more about? If so, check out this interview with Laura Doyle. She’s a living, breathing example of what can happen when you get your partner addicted to loving you. And if you want to get access to the full interview with her (and 29 others), .
What’s the most productive day you’ve had in recent memory? Do you remember it? You woke up, and just SLAYED your to-do list… You got into a rhythm, your energy was high, and everything was just clicking… I had a day like that a few weeks ago. Folded the laundry. Did the dishes. Mopped the floor. Took care of baby. Then I sat down to take a break. I opened my phone, and fell down an internet black hole watching clips of Taskmaster. (Be careful… you could get sucked into that black hole too!) And suddenly, I lost 3 hours. The rest of my day was not productive. I had lost my momentum. I thought about that day a lot. Momentum is powerful. Creating momentum - moving something from standing still to… not standing still - is the hardest part. But once you get it moving, it requires less and less energy to maintain or even build on the momentum. It’s true for physics… And it’s true for other areas of your life too. Think about your marriage for a second. In what areas have you lost momentum around something important? Maybe you’ve lost momentum around date nights, or apologizing, or making out. Maybe you’ve lost some momentum around having meaningful conversations, spending one-on-one time together, or complimenting your partner. Starting up again can feel awkward. But once you build up some momentum, it’s like riding a bike… it all comes back to you and starts to feel easy. Everything changes. But here’s the deal. Creating momentum is EXTRA hard for some people. Because they already have momentum in their relationship. But the momentum is sending them in the opposite direction of where they want to go! Maybe you’ve created momentum around being critical of your partner. Or maybe you find it really easy to complain, or say, “I’m not in the mood,” when they try to initiate sex with you. Maybe you’ve created momentum around watching Netflix every night (guilty), not taking care of your body, or not being honest about the things you’re struggling with. The amount of energy required to stop a moving object is far greater than the amount of energy you need to get something moving from a dead standstill. But it’s possible. Especially if you have some help. And that’s exactly why I created the Epic Wives Experiment. It’s made specifically for wives who know their marriage is headed down the wrong path. They’re feeling lonely, stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. They don’t feel loved or supported like they used to. And if something doesn’t change, they are scared what will become of their relationship. Our goal is to give you the skills, the tools, and the extra push to completely change the direction you’re headed in. To make 2021 the best year of your marriage ever. If you’re a wife (or you know one), and you want to ensure that you have POSITIVE momentum for your marriage in the coming year, I want to invite you to come participate in this 30-day challenge. If you show up and do the experiments, I PROMISE the momentum of your marriage will shift for the better. If it doesn’t… I’ll give you a refund. Check it out here.
Most people’s marriages get worse over time. They argue more. They laugh less. They are more easily annoyed with each other. Their sex life suffers. And they gradually reach a point of status-quo. They know that their marriage isn’t great, but it’s comfortable and predictable enough that they refuse to upset things. And weirdly, there’s a law of thermodynamics that can explain why this pattern happens. It’s called The Law of Entropy. Essentially, the Law of Entropy states that everything in the universe is gradually moving towards a state of disorder. Regardless of how well you clean your room, it will always get dirty again. And if you park a car in a driveway for long enough, it will eventually become undrivable. And even the oldest redwood tree will eventually die and decompose. Carl Jung, one of the most influential psychologists of all time, noticed this same principle in play out in our minds and relationships. He called it psychological entropy. The idea is that, if not maintained, our relationships, our happiness, our sense of purpose will degrade over time. Our fears, worries, and anxieties can get the best of us if we let them go unchecked for too long. So, our relationships require constant maintenance to combat the unstoppable force of entropy. It’s kind of like nature’s game. If you value something, you need to regularly expend more energy and attention on that thing in order to prevent entropy from degrading it to the point that it becomes useless or lifeless. Nothing self-maintains. Your marriage cannot survive on yesterday’s love. You have to combat the entropy with things like date nights, compliments, spending meaningful time together, making out, holding hands, giving each other thoughtful gifts… Doing the things that keep your love-tank full. Because if you let entropy work on your marriage for too long, you will lose it.
About once a week I get a message from someone asking what to do about porn... Here's how it usually plays out. (Not always... but usually.) Husband secretly watches porn. He's been doing it off-and-on for a while. Often times it's when he's feeling lonely, stressed, overwhelmed, or depressed... He hates himself for it because it's against his values... He feels like he can't stop... And he's afraid that if his wife finds out, she'll divorce him and he'll lose everything. Then, his wife finds out...
I’ve been listening to a 35-hour lecture series called “” by Dr. Jordan Peterson, an author and psychology professor. The lectures are an exploration of the psychological principles and ideas that give meaning to life. A few weeks ago I was driving home from the hardware store in a rain storm with a friend of mine. We were listening to the last few minutes of the final lecture when something Dr. Peterson said hit me with a ton of bricks I find myself thinking about that little section of his lecture often. I’ve re-listened to that 8 minute excerpt at least a dozen times. In that excerpt, Dr. Peterson asks a question… and to my estimation, it might be the most important question you could ask yourself. How much good could you do if you oriented yourself towards the greatest possible good? There’s so much possibility built into that question. First is the fact that you are capable of doing good. Second, there is an implication that you’re capable of being a better version of yourself (more aligned with the greatest possible good) than you are right now. Third is the idea that you may not know just how much good you could do. You likely have more capacity for doing good than you can even imagine. And fourth, you can do SO much good even when faced with extreme suffering. Your circumstances don’t determine how aligned you are with the greatest good. Peterson advises that if you want to test out the power of this idea in your life, the best way to start is by taking responsibility for something in your life that you 1) have control over, and 2) want to change. So… Because I am who I am, and I do what I do, I want to pose a question to you… Is your marriage as good as it could be? As a partner, are your actions, words, and thoughts aligned with the greatest possible good? Are there issues you face, burdens you carry, or conflicts you struggle with that could be overcome if you let go of your resentment and hatred? How would your relationship with your partner change if you TRULY started striving towards the highest possible good? It’s hard to know. But one thing is for certain, we can all be better. All of us. And there’s NO way to know what kind of impact we could have on our marriages, families, communities, and beyond if we were simply… better. If we gave the people we loved regular, meaningful compliments. If we looked for ways to remove suffering from their lives. If we took responsibility for our own self-esteem, and didn’t require our partners to prop us up and make us feel good. If we greeted them with a smile and a loving hug every day. If we truly cared about their problems, and desired that they have a fulfilling life. If we were willing to always assume good intentions of our partner, or if we worked to tame our tempers, or to take an interest in the people and things that are most important to them. Can you imagine how things might change? It’s impossible to measure the impact this one small idea could have on our lives. Maybe this is too cerebral or idealistic... but I believe it could change the world. And if you want a place to start aligning your thoughts, actions, words, and desires with the highest possible good, check out the . It’s jam-packed with ideas from the world’s top relationship experts. I think you’ll love it.
I have a confession to make… My marriage has slipped into Roommate Syndrome. I could blame it on a lot of things: My wife surprised me with an announcement last year that she was pregnant… which was AWESOME! But it also meant that the next few months were full of nausea, exhaustion, and weird food aversions, which made date night hard. Then COVID hit. My wife is an ICU nurse, so she’s been on the front lines, dealing with this pandemic mess. It’s been very stressful. And to keep everyone safe, we have been VERY quarantined for the last 8 months. We rarely go out to eat. We haven’t been on vacations. And then baby Aurora arrived. Along with all the cuteness came diaper changes, puke, late nights, and feedings every 2.5 hours. And of course, intercourse was off the table. So… We mostly just sit around and watch Netflix in our sweats. shudder It was a few weeks ago when I realized it. It was embarrassing to admit. We had let our marriage drift into Roommate Syndrome. We were in a serious slump. And I help people create epic marriages for a living!!! I knew I had to do something. I didn’t care how many forces were working against us, we were not going to get stuck in this black hole of passionless mediocrity. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I reached out to 30 of my favorite marriage experts. I said, “I can’t be the only one dealing with this right now… and I want to DO something about it!” They were on board! So I interviewed them all separately and asked them one important question: “If you had to get your marriage out of Roommate Syndrome in 30 days, what would you do to get that spark back and make sure you never ended up in Roommate Syndrome again?!” The answers I got were incredible. They changed my life. (I’m not wearing sweats anymore, and last week, my wife and I went on a proper date – at home, mind you, but still a date!) And they will change your life too. , but only for a limited time starting on December 8th. Don’t miss out!
“My husband is just an extra child I have to take care of.” “I feel more like his maid than his lover.” “If I don’t take care of everything, nothing would ever get done around here.” These are the types of statements I hear from “Overfunctioners.” What’s an Overfunctioner? Ultimately, it’s one way you might manage your anxiety. We all do it from time to time. (But women tend to overfunction more often than men.) Here’s how it works… It all starts when you start to worry that something important might not get done. “Will my husband stay on the health plan the doctor put him on?” “Will my son turn off his video game and take out the trash before our guests arrive tonight? “Will my daughter finish her math homework? She’s in danger of failing that class…” “Will my dad take his meds so he can control his blood pressure?” You worry because you have NO control over whether or not these things will actually get done. And because it’s all outside your control, your brain starts to do HORRIBLIZE. You start thinking about the most horrible scenario that could play out if these things don’t get done. “If my husband doesn’t stay on the health plan, he might have an early heart attack and die!” “If my son doesn’t take out the trash, our guests are going to think we are uncivilized slobs!” “If my daughter fails math, she’ll never get into college… and then she’ll never move out, find a creer, get married, or have a family!” “If my dad doesn’t take his meds, he’s going to die tomorrow, and mom will have to move in with us! I’m not ready to plan a funeral!” When you start to HORRIBLIZE, it makes you very anxious. And when you get anxious, you start thinking of solutions to get rid of the anxiety… And that’s when you have the brilliant idea! It’s the answer to all your worries! “What if I just wake up extra early to make my husband a healthy lunch every morning, then I take out the trash, then I sit next to my daughter to make sure she does her math homework correctly, and then I call my dad every night to make sure he takes his meds?! “If I just put myself in charge of all of this stuff it will definitely get done. Which means, BONUS… I don’t have to worry about it anymore!” Genius, right? And the best part of all? Everyone thinks you’re pretty amazing for being the engine that keeps your marriage, your family, and your friendships going. At first you feel a bit like a hero. You love that everyone depends on you. It makes you feel important. Valuable. Irreplaceable. But, after a while, you start to realize that people have started see your help as an expectation, not as a kindness. And eventually, you start to feel resentful. What used to feel like an act of love and service now feels like a burdensome obligation that has been placed on your shoulders. And then you reach a breaking point and your world comes crashing down... You learn that your husband regularly leaves your thoughtful, pre-packed lunches in the fridge at work so he can go to “business lunches” at restaurants with colleagues… Your son is driving you nuts, because he never does his chores, and refuses to turn off his video games... Your daughter makes you want to pull your hair out because she has learned that if she plays stupid for long enough, you’ll just do her math homework for her… And every time you talk to your dad it ends up in an argument about his health. You don’t talk about anything but his pills anymore. You can’t live like this anymore! “Am I the only one who cares about getting anything done around here?!” “If I just disappeared tomorrow, their whole world would fall apart.” “They have NO idea how much I do for them that they completely take for granted!” You’d do anything for the people you love… So, why don’t they love you enough to see that you’re burned out and lend a hand… or at least say thank you? UGH! (Is this hitting home yet?) So… what’s the solution to dealing with the resentment? Well, one solution would be to stop doing everything for everyone. But that terrifies you. What if they don’t follow through?! Or worse… what if they try to do it, but they fail or do it wrong? The anxiety that comes with watching the people you love fail is too great. So, you opt for option #2… You complain. You start nagging your husband. You start harping on your kids. You call your friends to gripe about how everyone misbehaves and takes you for granted. You seek validation from anyone who will listen. Meanwhile, everyone starts to resent you for being a giant fun-sucking, black hole of happiness. You become unpleasable, angry, and no fun to be around. You whine that nobody helps you. Then when people try to help you, you complain that they’re doing it wrong. There’s no winning. You’re miserable. They’re miserable. Everyone’s miserable. All because of a little anxiety that you just wanted to go away. So… how do you fix it? How do you stop overfunctioning? That’s what we talked about in today’s interview with Dr. Kathleen Smith, author of .
This week I listened to a podcast featuring a guy named Richie Norton as the guest. In his mid-20's he was invited by Stephen M. R. Covey (son of Stephen R. Covey… the 7 Habits guy) to help train business professionals to be better leaders. When he was offered the opportunity he freaked out. He felt too young and inexperienced for the gig. “You want me to go train these grey-hairs? What are they going to think?” Mr. Covey responded with some epic advice: "A lot of people say they have 20 years of experience when in reality they only have 1 year of experience 20 times." BOOM! This perfectly summarizes why I hate it when people say they (or someone they know) have a great marriage because they've been together for XX years. Just because you’ve been married for a few decades doesn’t mean you’ve been successful at marriage. Sometimes it just means you’re really good at enduring being miserable and walking on eggshells, or you’ve just stopped caring, or you’re too scared to speak up and say what you’ve got isn’t what you want… cause the relationship you’ve got - as bad as it is - might be as good as it gets. Have you noticed the problems you have in your marriage are almost always different versions of the same thing? The same argument about how you spend or save your money, or the same argument about who initiates sex, or the same argument about which in-laws you visit over the holidays… It sucks to feel stuck in a cycle like this! I hate it. Yet I see it ALL THE TIME. This is what I call mediocre love… reliving the same arguments, struggles, disappointments, frustrations, and challenges year over and over and over for decades. If you want an incredible marriage you’ve gotta get unstuck! You need to grow, to learn, to improve, to advance, to invest in the things that matter. You need to confront your shortcomings, to speak up, to assess what works, what doesn’t and what needs to change. And you can’t do this just once. You have to be doing it consistently! There is ALWAYS room to grow. Think of your life experience. Do you have X years experience, or 1 year of experience X times? Are you stuck in one area of your life? If you are stuck, what do you need to learn to get unstuck? What do you need to get better at? What conversation do you need to have that you’ve been avoiding? What needs to change in you so that you can have a different outcome? If you need help figuring out how to break out of the cycle you’re stuck in, . -Nate
I’m sick of seeing so many couples and friends be completely lied to by their therapists. So, I figured it’s finally time to lay out some seriously-needed education. Therapists are the people we trust with our deepest, darkest, most personal and oftentimes shameful secrets. They’re supposed to help us navigate the most turbulent and challenging times in our lives. We trust their counsel explicitly and without question because, well, they’re professional counselors. But there’s something the therapist community rarely talks about that you should absolutely know before choosing a therapist! A good therapist will let you in on the secret, but most won’t… because if they tell you they might lose your business. To understand what I’m about to reveal, you have to understand how a therapist becomes a therapist. Where do Therapists Come From? Most people don’t know there are at least half-a-dozen different ways you can become a therapist. You can become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) often referred to as a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). Even though each of these degrees will provide you the title “therapist,” the stuff they teach you in each program is completely different. It’s similar to the way doctors work: You’ve got ear nose and throat doctors, pediatricians, cardiologists, pulmonologists, orthopedics, etc. They all call themselves doctors, and they probably took the same courses in their first year of med school, but the specialized training they receive is just that: specialized. The patients doctors serve and how they apply their skills is completely different based on their training. The same is true for therapists. They have specialized training. Here are a few examples: Some therapy grads might get most of their training on how to work with patients in a hospital system, while others learn to counsel students inside the school system. There are therapists who get lots of their education helping adolescents overcome substance abuse, eating disorders or addictions, and some who learn specifically about treating entire family systems, while others learn how to help couples overcome struggles in their marriage. Now, back to the doctor analogy... if you have a bad case of pneumonia, I’m guessing you wouldn’t want to see a gynecologist. You’d want to see a pulmonologist, right? The same should hold true for your mental and emotional health! Mothers with postpartum depression shouldn’t be meeting with a therapist who specializes in helping teenage boys overcome their addiction to adderall. It wouldn’t make any sense, and the therapist likely isn’t qualified to properly treat such a patient. A therapist “mismatch” can be really harmful… and it does happen quite frequently. But it doesn’t stop there! Treatment Methods Beyond the differences in training a therapist receives in school, and even the types of struggles they’ve trained to help people through, there’s another layer of differences which might be the most important: Different therapists specialize in different treatment methods called “modalities.” For example, one therapist might use equine therapy (therapy with horses) to help a client learn to build trust, while another therapist might use recreational therapy (physical exercise and training) and have their client exercise in a group setting to achieve a similar outcome. Some therapists use art therapy, some prefer music therapy, a lot of therapists use emotionally focused therapy (EFT) which focuses on how people form emotional attachments to and bond with others. A lot of marriage therapists will likely use the Gottman Method, which focuses more on teaching skills and techniques to practice in parenting and marriage. Mastering many of these modalities require hundreds of hours of study and training. And different treatment methods work better for different people. Do you see how if you’re not familiar with this industry, it can be really misleading and very confusing? And I’m not even finished yet! There is one more bit of crucial information that many therapists won’t tell you about. If you know me, you know spend nearly every waking hour studying, writing about, or thinking about marriage and relationships. I was shocked to find that of the 500,000+ therapists in the US, only a tiny percent (less than 10%) have any formal training or education specific to couples or marriages. And... Of those who do work with couples, only a tiny portion have any training or education around... wait for it... sex! (Not trying to put myself on a pedestal, but simply from my own curiosity and voracious reading, self-directed research over the last few years, and attending a dozen seminars from the world’s top sex experts - even without grad school - I probably have more training and education around sex and marriage than most therapists.) If all that wasn’t enough... Here’s the icing on the cake - any therapist can call themselves a Relationship Therapist or Sex Therapist! There isn’t any title control in the industry. That means right now, it’s completely possible for a therapist who has only ever studied and worked with anxious toddlers to wake up one day, decide to switch gears, change their title to “Sex Therapist” and, that very afternoon, label a client a “sex addict” . . . when they themselves have had no specialized training in sex, intimacy and sexual addictions! That absolutely boggles my mind. (This is exactly why I’ve paired up with Certified Sex Therapist, Kristin Hodson to spend an entire season talking about sex on the next season of my podcast, . You should absolutely check it out.) Despite all the complexity and nuance in the therapy world, I think it’s important for you to have someone to talk to - especially about you relationship - so I’ve put together a list of tips to help you find the perfect therapist for you. How To Choose A Therapist How on earth are you supposed to choose a good therapist with so many variables in play? Finding the right therapist can take a little work and a lot of time. If you’re smart, you’ll find an awesome therapist before you actually need one. To help you out, I’ve put together a few tips to help you find the right therapist for you: Do your research Most therapists have a profile on . Their specialties will be listed right on their profile. If they say the specialize working with kids, and teens, and couples, that’s not a great sign. Look for someone who has spent their career helping people just like you. If you need help with your marriage, do you want to work with the guy who has helped hundreds of couples improve their marriages or the guy who wants to mix it up a little from all the substance abuse cases he sees every week? The more specific their profile is, the more specialized and trained they’re likely to be. If they don’t list the modalities they use, call or email them and ask! If you’re not sure what the differences in modalities are, ask. Ask how they work, what the experience would be like for you, and what kinds of results their clients have had in seeking healing through the various methods. Ask for a free consultation, even if it’s not advertised. A good therapist knows they’re more likely to gain your business if they can gain your trust. Know What You Want Some people want a therapist because they need an emotional safe haven where they can work through their struggles every week. Other people want to address a problem, fix it, and never see their therapist again. Neither one of these is right or wrong, but being clear about what you want or need out of a therapist will impact which therapist you choose. Would you prefer to talk to a man or a woman? Is it important to you that they understand your religious background, cultural upbringing, or sexual orientation? Is their career experience more important than having good therapist/patient chemistry between the two of you? Do you need someone who will stand up to you and push back on you if you need some tough love, or someone who will be a gentle guide, and provide a safe space for you to unload your hurts? The more clear you are about what you need, the more likely you’ll be to find it. Ask for Referrals The people you love the most probably share some of your preferences for food, movies, music and more likely than not, therapists. If you’re in need of some help or support, someone you love might have already done the work of finding the perfect counselor for you! Ask around. See if anyone you trust has a recommendation. It might save you a lot of footwork and stress. Talk to them before you meet for a session Think of your search for a therapist like you’re interviewing someone for a job. You hire a therapist to help you get a certain result in an important area of your life. So, have a conversation with them before you fork over $150+ to sit on their couch for an hour and share your deepest struggles with them! Here are some good “interview questions” that will help you hire the right therapist: What kind of clients do you love working with the most? Can you give me some examples of clients like me (us) that you’ve helped in the past? Why did you become a therapist? Tell me about what you specialize in. What’s your background and training? Give them a chance to prove themselves to you. If it feels right, trust your gut! Which leads me to... Trust Your Gut Really, your intuition is the most important thing. If you look at someone’s photo and you get a weird vibe, or you have a conversation with them and they make you feel awkward or uncomfortable, don’t hire them! It’s ok to say, “I don’t think this is going to be the best fit for us, thanks for your time!” This is one area of your life where you should absolutely be picky. Research actually shows the factor that most strongly influences a successful outcome in therapy is the , not the type treatment method they use. There are two things you never want to skimp on when it comes to quality. Toilet paper, and a therapist. Choosing the wrong one will just leave you in a worse mess than when you started. So, trust your gut. You’ll know when you’ve found the right one. To Summarize The world of therapists is vast, complex and can be really confusing… especially if you’re in dire need of talking to someone. Remember, some therapists try to cast a wide net by saying they specialize in working with everyone in a desperate effort to snag any client they can. Other therapists invest in highly specified training so they can effectively serve a clear-cut subset of people with very specific needs. And ANY therapist can call themselves a Sex Therapist or Relationship Therapist, so make sure you ask them about their credentials and training. (A highly-trained sex therapist will almost always be and the is a great place to start looking for a marriage therapist.) Finding the right therapist is important, and it might take some legwork. It can be the difference between a marriage succeeding or failing, or struggling with an issue for weeks and struggling for years. It requires a little work and investment, but the support a good therapist provides can last a lifetime and transform your life.
Stoicism is an ancient Greek philosophy designed to make the practitioner more resilient, happier, more virtuous, courageous, and wise. Some of history’s greatest leaders were Stoics: Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, George Washington, Theodore Roosevelst, and more recently, people like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Brady, Bill Clinton, and prominent author Ryan Holiday. The foundation of Stoicism is built on 4 virtues: Courage - The ability to be brave Temperance - The ability to practice moderation and self-control Justice - Always doing what’s right, and dealing fairly with others Wisdom - Truth and understanding When practiced, these virtues help us remain focused on what’s truly important in life, and unlock our potential. I’m a firm believer that if you really want to have an incredible marriage, you will practice the principles of stoicism whether it’s intentional or not. Today, I’m going to share 10 powerful questions based on the principles of Stoicism that can help you be a better person, and a better partner. These questions were curated by a Reddit user by the name of . How am I complicit in creating the conditions I say I don’t want? This is a powerful question that, when answered honestly, will expose you to all sorts of uncomfortable truths. It will help you identify areas of your life where you might be talking the talk… but you’re not walking the walk. It’s easy to commit to doing something that will make your life better, then fail to do them out of laziness, forgetfulness, procrastination, or avoidance. When you stop lying to yourself, you can learn a lot about how you can get out of your own way, so you can stop perpetuating your own problems, and live a more fulfilled life. Where am I feeling the Resistance? The Resistance is a concept introduced in Stephen Pressfield’s book, The War of Art. What triggers the Resistance? Any time you choose to avoid immediate gratification in favor of pursuing some sort of long-term gains. You feel the resistance when you put your phone down to clean the house. Or when you try to turn off your video game so you can go work out. Or when you try to stop watching YouTube, so you can plan that date night. The areas where you feel and then succumb to resistance are clues to areas of your life where you can adjust your behavior in order to have the life or relationship you want. What would I do to make today horrible? This question leverages the Inversion Principle. Avoiding a poor decision is easier than making the right ones. Instead of thinking of everything I want to accomplish in a day, I think of everything I could do to make today horrible. Then I just avoid doing those things. Where am I making things more complex than they need to be? It’s human nature to over-analyze our problems and struggles. Overcomplicating life just creates stress, anxiety, and burnout. And it keeps us stuck in problems we could easily solve. Asking yourself this question will help you stay focused on taking action and keep you from getting caught in analysis paralysis. What would this look like if it were easy? A while back, I interviewed . In the interview she said, “What if the words ‘I don’t know’ were eliminated from your vocabulary?” What possibilities would arise for you? Sometimes we get in our own way by assuming our own problems are above our paygrade. We get mired in the complexity, and end up feeling defeated and exhausted. But what if this thing you were facing were easy… What if you DID know what to do? How would things be different? When you give yourself permission to make the answers easy, it’s amazing how many of your problems become solvable… or at the very least, manageable. What if I did the opposite in every area? Do you ever get stuck in a funk? Maybe it feels like the routine you have developed just isn’t working for you anymore? What if you do date night on Monday instead of Friday What if you start having morning sex instead of nighttime sex? What if you swap chores? If you normally cook the meals and your partner does the yard… switch it up! Is our partner the one who always initiates? Why don’t you try being the instigator of affection? See what happens when you mix things up. You might discover something magical. If I could only work for four hours this week, what would I work on? Do you glorify busyness? I know I do. Sometimes I spend hours “working.” Then, at the end of the day, I try to figure out what I’ve accomplished… and for the life of me, I can’t figure it out. Same thing often happens in my marriage. My wife and I will spend time together… but it’s not quality time. We’ve killed so many hours in front of the TV, or sitting on the couch together while both on our phones. Sure we’re spending time together… but is it quality time? If you could ONLY see each other for a few minutes every day, how would you want to spend that time together? How would that time be spent differently than the time you spend together now? Now… how can you do more of that? How could I achieve my 10-year goals in six months? This question is so fun to answer. When you think in extremes, it helps you get away from self-imposed limitations. The answers might be completely unrealistic. But you’ll be surprised how often some of your ideas are totally doable… or at the very least, they can help accelerate your goals. Have a desire to pay off your house? Maybe you want to retire early? Maybe you want to start your own business together? Or build up a college fund for your kids? Get creative. Compound time. See what happens! How would the type of person I want to become handle this? We all have an ideal we’re striving for. We know there’s a better version of ourselves trying to get out. When you ask yourself this question, you get free advice from a better version of you than you are right now. Sometimes consulting your ideal self when dealing with a conflict, a personal challenge, or a new opportunity will bring out the very best in you right now. What would I do if it was impossible for me to fail? Fear is paralyzing. It keeps us from taking action, from taking risks, or from trying something new. We put limitations on ourselves because we’re afraid we will fail. When you take the option of failure off the table, it’s amazing how differently you choose to live your life… even if it’s just in theory. What conversations would you have? What kind gestures would you make? What habits would you develop? What traditions would you implement? What changes would you make to yourself? When you take failure off the table, the world becomes your oyster! I hope these questions spark some ideas of how you could more quickly become the best partner you can be. Stoicism is an amazing philosophy to live by. If you want to learn more about it, check out my favorite book on modern day stoicism by Ryan Holiday, “The Obstacle Is The Way.”
Have you ever had “Soul Talk?” You know what I’m talking about… Soul Talk is when you have a deeply connecting connection with someone. None of the superficial small talk… No discussing the weather, or how to get billy to soccer practice. None of that, “How was your day?” “Fine… how was yours?” stuff… Soul Talk is when you learn about someone’s passions, fantasies, and secrets. The conversation takes you places you’ve never been before. You learn about yourself while you’re learning about the person you’re talking to. Soul Talk is the best… It’s conversations like this that often make us fall in love. You let down our defences. You stop pretending to be someone you’re not. You are honest with your answers instead of trying to think what the other person wants to hear. These conversations require you to be vulnerable and authentic. But a lot of people don’t have time to go there very often… Or they completely forgot how to get there in the first place. That’s why Authentic Relating exists. Jason Digges is the author of a new book called Conflict = Energy: The Transformative Practice of Authentic Relating. He has dedicated his life to helping people tap into their authentic selves so they can connect deeply. I recently had a conversation with him live in the where he shared TONS of amazing tips on how to create more authenticity in our lives and in our relationships. This is a recording of that conversation. If you want access to live workshops, trainings, and interviews like this one that will strengthen your marriage, check out the .
Changing human behavior is typically really hard. Don’t believe me? What percentage of people who made a New Year’s resolution to hit the gym and get in shape are still committed to it 4 weeks later? Not many. Because it’s HARD to change a lifetime of habits - like the time you wake up, the way you fold your socks, how you brush your teeth, or how you load the dishwasher. Here’s something you can test out: Try mixing up your shower routine tomorrow morning. If you always wash your hair first, try starting out with your legs. Not only will you probably forget, but if you try it, it will feel SUPER unnatural.
The cost of your marriage license (depending on where you live) was probably around $40. The average cost of a wedding in the US last year was over $35,000. If you were to get divorced today, the cost would likely be around $15,000. Lots of people - including the government, dressmakers, photographers and lawyers - are out there trying to tell you what your marriage is worth… but have you ever stopped to think what the true value of your marriage is? I love this quote by Simon Sinek: “Value is not determined by those who set the price. Value is determined by those who choose to pay it.” So, what’s the value of your marriage? The answer is whatever you are willing to pay… and I’m not just talking dollars. Here’s an awesome example of a good buddy of mine who has just leveled up the value of his marriage and family by increasing his investment. He reached out a few months ago and asked if we could grab lunch and catch up. When we sat down and started eating, he dropped an amazing bombshell. “I want to share something with you, because I think you’re one of the only people who will get it without any weird judgment or anything.” “Hit me,” I said. “My wife and I have been talking about the kind of life we want to live as a family. For a while now we’ve felt like we’ve been caught up in the hamster wheel of life… which is fine if that’s what you want… but we don’t. So, next year we’re selling our house and we’re going to take our whole family on a trip around the world. We’re going to visit 5 continents, and around 30 countries. We’re going to expose our kids to different cultures, and have adventures, and make incredible memories!” I almost cheered for joy in the restaurant! Life is short! He’s putting his time, energy, and money where his mouth is… into his marriage and family. Now, I don’t think everyone should quit their job, sell their house and jet-set across the world for a year… because what’s best for my buddy isn’t best for everybody. But I DO think everyone should invest more seriously in their dreams. That means putting a little more thought, effort and creativity into the way they want to live their life. If you want to prove you truly value your marriage INVEST IN IT! Is there a dance class you’ve been talking about? Sign up! Is there a vacation you’ve always dreamed of going on? Plan it out! Figure out how much it will cost you to do it and start saving today. Do you long for the days when the passion was super intense, and everything you did had a thin veil of romantic tension and suspense around it? What can you do to recreate that romantic excitement? Buy some sexy underwear? Meet up for a date where you pretend to have never met before, and try to pick up on each other? Reenact your first date… or your honeymoon? Remember that quote I shared earlier: “Value is not determined by those who set the price. Value is determined by those who choose to pay it.” What price are you determined to pay? What is the value of your marriage? -Nate A new year is right around the corner. If you want to make 2018 the best year EVER for your marriage, and book a quick 30-minute phone call with me. I have something cool planned!
last night our oven caught on fire! Something had spilled in there and made a mess. My wife (being the incredible partner that she is) was cleaning it up. She had turned the oven up to like 500 degrees.I walked in and saw smoke coming out of it and said, "Is there supposed to be smoke coming out of there?" "Uhhhh, nope," she responded. I opened the door and saw flames. My wife calmly retrieved some baking soda from the cupboard, opened the oven door, and tossed it on the flames. They went out instantly. The calmness she displayed while dealing with the flames was impressive... and pretty hot (literally and figuratively). It made me think... (here's a look into how my brain works). In life, we experience all sorts of craziness. We get hit with surprises, crisis, injustice, pain, loss, grief, and struggle. Metaphorical kitchen fires, if you will. Does what happens in your life keep you from acting with compassion, justice, generosity, self-control, sanity, prudence, honesty, humility, straightforwardness and kindness? Sometimes we freak out because, well, we think we should. We hear about neighbors freaking out. We see people on TV freak out. We see leaders freaking out. We assume it's the only way to respond. The truth is, YOU GET TO CHOOSE HOW YOU RESPOND. When something goes wrong in a surgery, a surgeon can't afford to flip out. They stay composed and lean on their experience. They've been training for years for moments like this. They know freaking out doesn't help anybody, so they stay calm and do their best deal with the issues as they arise. When something goes wrong on a space shuttle, an astronaut has no time to panic. They are practiced in handling stress in all sorts of scenarios. They revert to the procedures they've run through hundreds of times to get back on track and stay safe. When a professional athlete falls behind in an event, they know panicking and beating themselves up will not help. They breathe deep. They stay focused. They do not give up. They grind away until they accomplish the task at hand. The same can be true in your marriage! When your partner is disrespectful, when you feel like you're not being appreciated or treated fairly, when you are feeling angry or tired or betrayed, you have a choice... Will you allow what happened to give you an excuse to be the worst version of yourself, or will you choose to be at your best You get to write your own story. You get to choose your reactions. With practice, you can determine how you respond when you're under duress or when things aren't going your way. Pain, loss and unfairness are never an excuse for being the worst version of yourself.
In May of 2015, Pablo Picasso’s painting Les femmes d’Alger sold at auction for $179.4 million. Until recently it was the highest price ever paid for a painting. Guess how much time Picasso spent painting this work of art? Oh… about a day. In his lifetime, it’s estimated that Picasso created roughly 50,000 works of art. That’s nearly 2 pieces every day! It’s easy to assume Picasso’s greatness came as a result of raw talent, a natural gift, or his unique style. But the reality is that the reason Picasso is probably one of 5 famous painters you can name off the top of your head, and the reason his paintings sell for millions, is because he was relentlessly dedicated to his craft. He created every single day. And a lot of his creations didn’t look anything like the abstract stuff you probably think of when you hear the name "Picasso". What made Picasso special was his tens of thousands of paintings. He painted when he felt inspired. He painted when he felt hungry. He painted when he was sick, when he was angry, when he was depressed, and probably when he didn't feel like painting. As he painted and created and hustled he found what made him unique. He found his groove and his style. He created his legacy. This is not much different from love. I love thinking of love as art. You get better with practice. You have to invest, grind away, and do the work on the days you feel like it, and especially on the days you don't. The only way to find your unique relationship style, your strengths in partnership, and discover what little things hold the highest value for you is to love every single day. You don’t create a $180 million marriage overnight. It’s 50,000 foot massages while listening to her tell you how her day went. It’s 50,000 sincere compliments. It’s 50,000 apologies and 50,000 hours of self-reflection. It’s 50,000 attempts to shut your mouth and listen instead of explaining or providing excuses. It’s 50,000 deep breaths before giving him the benefit of the doubt. It’s 50,000 requests for help and saying “thank you” when she helps. It's 50,000 attempts to show up at your best. Every day you’re creating your legacy. Every day you get to decide whether or not you will put in the work to become a master, or whether you’ll be just like everyone else. “Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone” ― Picasso What will you choose today?
Did you brush your teeth this morning? My guess is that you did... at least I hope so. You've probably brushed your teeth almost every day of your life since you had teeth. It's a pretty logical thing to do. It prevents cavities, bad breath and gum disease (obviously) as well as a bunch of other great health benefits like preventing heart disease, dementia, and diabetes. But you probably don't think about all those things when you brush, do you? You just do it because it's a good habit you've developed (or it feels gross if you don't). Brushing your teeth is important! You can't just go to the dentist once every 6 months and get a really intense, professional cleaning and call it good. WHEN IT COMES TO THE THINGS THAT MATTER, CONSISTENCY ALWAYS BEATS INTENSITY! So, what's the "brushing your teeth" equivalent that keeps your marriage thriving and healthy? That's what we cover in today's episode.
Some people think that to have a good marriage you have to get really good at letting the little things go. They think a good partner will look past the minor dysfunctions that show up in marriage. You just gotta ignore the little hurts that get inflicted over time. I mean, what good is marriage if you’re constantly talking about stuff that isn’t working, right? The science of researchers Gottman, Swanson and Murray shows that couples who have a low tolerance for negativity in their marriage are actually happier, and more likely to have lasting, satisfying love. In a nutshell, happy couples don’t let things build up and fester before addressing them. They call this having a “low negativity threshold.” You might be thinking, “But Nate, didn’t you just write an article about ? This seems a little contradictory.” I hear you. Just bear with me for a minute. I promise I’ll provide a good explanation. First, let me start out with a story... One evening a few weeks ago my wife and I were in a hurry to get somewhere. She made dinner, we ate, then left the dishes in the sink. The next morning we both ran to work early and left our breakfast dishes in the sink. That evening we got home and began making dinner again… the mountain of dishes was growing. The pile was magnified by the smallness of our kitchen. There was no space, no clean dishes, and a lot of frustration. My wife - champion that she is - dug through the pile of dirty utensils and food-covered appliance attachments to find something she needed for the food processor. Then I heard her scream. There was blood everywhere. She cut her finger on a sharp blade buried in the mess of dishes. She was in pain, she was frustrated, she was overwhelmed. I was panicking, stressed, and upset. All of this emotional tension, the stress, the literal mess, and the blood and pain could have been avoided if we had just taken a few minutes to manage the mess when it was small before it turned into a mountainous problem! We could have cleaned while we cooked. We could have scrubbed dishes and thrown them in the dishwasher before leaving the house. We could have stayed up a little late, or woken up a little early to make a dent in the pile. We could have hired someone to come help us clean. The problem that too many couples face is that they let the dishes pile up, and pile up, and pile up until someone just can’t take it anymore! They get so frustrated, or hurt that they snap, explode, and lash out. Are you getting the analogy yet? I'll spell it out for you, just in case. Rather than maintain a clean kitchen (healthy, happy, resentment-free relationship) by taking care of the dirty dishes (small hurts, disappointments, and arguments) when they’re manageable, they instead build a tolerance for living in a filthy kitchen (miserable, lonely, anxiety-ridden marriage). Sounds miserable, right? I know you don't want this. You want epic love... not this miserable counterfeit we try to convince ourselves is an actual marriage. Now let’s talk about how to keep your emotional kitchen clean so these meltdowns don’t happen. How You Start Is Important For me, the hardest part about cleaning the kitchen is starting. Once I make some progress and gain a little momentum, the cleaning gets easier… Sometimes it’s even fun. The same is true with the “emotional kitchen” the most important part is simply starting the conversation… and starting it the right way. In his book, , marriage researcher, John Gottman talks about the importance of a “Soft Startup.” A soft startup is a kind way to begin a conversation about something that’s bugging you without picking a fight, or pushing your partner to shut down emotionally. The Soft Startup is all about being gracious and kind and setting your partner to respond with the same kindness. You're ensuring you tackle conflicts as a partnership. Instead of conflict being you vs. your partner, it should be a tag team of you and your partner vs. the problem and your emotions. Last week, after writing the article about not complaining, I got an email from a reader whose partner had an awkward issue to be addressed. It will make a perfect demonstration of how a soft startup should work. A harsh startup might sound like this: "Holy crap, I can't take it anymore! Your toothbrush is disgusting? How can you not smell that!? It makes me nauseous every morning when I walk in the bathroom. Don't you have any respect? Your breath is nasty." Yeah, your partner won't react well to that, or anything like it... Start a conversation with accusations, anger, frustration, an aggression and you won't get what you want. You'll just end up with a fight. Now let's try a soft startup. "Hey babe, can I talk to you about something that makes me uncomfortable? (Asking permission is a great place to start) I just noticed recently that your toothbrush has a really strong smell and it's kind of grossing me out. I don't want to embarrass you, but I wanted to bring it up because I'd want to know if the situation was reversed. (This is coming from a place of kindness, not criticism.) Would you mind picking up a new toothbrush on your way home from work? (Notice the request instead of a demand.) Thanks for being so understanding. (Gratitude is always a good touch!) This was a hard thing for me to bring up. I love you." Boom! Suddenly a potential complaint or an attack is turned into an easy (albeit slightly awkward) conversation! Thanks soft startup! Maintain High Expectations Ever hear unhappy people say something like, "The best way to avoid disappointment is to always have low expectations."? Gross... Sounds to me like it's time to bust another marriage myth. Low expectations do NOT equate to a happy marriage. Research shows that couples who have high expectations for their marriage are actually happier. Part of maintaining a low negativity threshold for your relationship is being committed to putting out the small emotional fires before they grow into raging infernos that can wreak havoc on your marriage. Here's some statistical proof that will blow your mind: Researchers Notarius and Buongiorno (1995) found that the average amount of time a married couple waits to get professional help from the time one of them detects serious problems in the marriage is 6 years. SIX YEARS! These couples sit in the anxiety and tension and misery of conflict for the better part of a decade before saying, "Hey... this isn't what we signed up for. Maybe we need some help." Holy crap, it's no wonder 50 percent of first-time divorces happen in the first 7 years of marriage! (Thus the name of this website.) This bologna happens because people would rather adapt to more conflict, anxiety, stress, and unkindness than simply repair the emotional wounds inflicted in the relationship. If you don't want a marriage full of grudges, resentment, festering emotional wounds, regrets, fighting, and sadness, you MUST raise the bar for yourselves. You cannot settle. You have to have the hard conversations with respect and kindness. If you're having the same arguments over and over again, you should ask for help! You can't lower your expectations for what's acceptable. This is the work that makes epic love possible. This is the work the top 1% of marriages do. They don't settle! Where are you settling? How can you level up? Do you need to implement a soft startup to address something in your relationship? Leave your thoughts in the comments.
People frequently complain to me about their marriages. They tell me secrets they would NEVER tell anyone else. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. (If you’re unhappy in your marriage, and you reach out to me, that means we’re moving in the right direction.) Today I want to share with you an important pattern I’ve noticed during these with hundreds of frustrated, disconnected, and unhappy couples. They all want the same thing… Freedom. I know this, because the way they talk about their marriage often sounds like a prison. “I feel trapped…” “I feel stuck…” They feel like they’re at the mercy of a disengaged, or unpleasable partner… “He doesn’t ever help with anything. I feel like I’m his mother, or his maid.” “I can never do anything right. Even when I do my best to give her what she wants, she’s still unhappy.” My heart breaks when I hear the desperate stories of a lonely partner who just wants to be set free from their prison, and feel that deep connection they once felt. Inevitably the conversation takes a turn… typically with the same question. “What do I do?” The answer is ALWAYS the same: Freedom from pain, tyranny, and misery always comes with a heavy price. The price is personal responsibility. Wherever freedom exists, someone, somewhere has taken responsibility for a problem, an injustice, or the suffering of others. Harriet Tubman made 13 trips to the south through the Underground Railroad to free over 70 slaves. She made their freedom her responsibility. (a WNBA star) recently stepped away from her basketball career at the peak of her success to help exonerate Jonathan Irons – a man who’s been wrongfully imprisoned for the past 20 years. Maya stepped up and made herself responsible for righting a wrong that she did not commit. Healthcare workers all over the world are putting themselves at risk to take responsibility for the wellbeing of sick people everywhere. I witness that sacrifice every week as my 7-months-pregnant wife puts on her maternity scrubs, and spends 13 hours a day, 3-4 days per week on her feet, running from room to room, caring for patients. And I see the tears, anger, and anxiety she experiences when she comes home exhausted and angry at people on social media who refuse to protect themselves and those they love. She knows that their lack of responsibility will inevitably put more responsibility and pressure on her and her coworkers… who are already near a breaking point. Responsibility is hard. And ultimately, if you’re feeling trapped, stuck, or imprisoned in your marriage, you have two choices: Wait for someone else to take responsibility for changing your marriage Step up and take responsibility yourself What does that look like? Well, to start, you’ve gotta be REALLY honest with yourself. You need to carefully consider, and take responsibility for the choices you’ve made that created your current situation. That type of honesty is never easy. When you peel back the layers and stare the truth in the face, it can be incredibly painful. I’ve seen women who were absolutely furious at their childish and irresponsible husband. That fury transformed into tears when these women realized that they had contributed to their husband’s childlike behavior by treating him like a child… These amazing women didn’t know how to deal with the inherent anxiety and worry that comes up when you have to truly trust someone else to help you get things done. Trust can be scary! It was much easier to micromanage, nag, and complain about their husbands when things were done “wrong way” until, eventually, their husbands decided, “If every effort I make results in disappointment, why even try?” Ooof… that’s a heavy truth to face. I’ve seen husbands hang their heads in shame when they realized that they’d spent decades focused so much on work that they completely missed the opportunity to forge a relationship with their wife or kids. “We’ll go on a date next weekend,” and… “I’ll make it to the next game,” turned into the dread of realizing the people they love most in the world look at them like a stranger. Or husbands who realized that they have been objectifying their wives for years… Using them as a maid, a chef, and a sex doll without ever stopping to ask what their desires, interests, or dreams are. A piece of them dies inside when they realize how cruel and selfish they’ve been. Or maybe someone simply realizes that they should have said, “No! The way this relationship is headed is not ok with me,” a LONG time ago. The truth can be incredibly harsh. But this is the first step on the path back to connection, deep meaning, profound purpose, joy... and freedom. The next step? Make a different choice. Take responsibility for the words you use, and the tone you use to convey them. Take responsibility for asking for what you want, and holding firm to your righteous desires. Take responsibility for your past mistakes. Apologize for them. Ask what you can do to make them right. Take responsibility for breaking the negative cycles that you perpetuate – with your partner… or inside your own head. Take responsibility for your weaknesses, flaws, and insecurities. And seek help to improve them. The path to freedom is simple… but it is NOT easy. And it’s also why the divorce rate is so high... "Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility." - Sigmund Freud One last thing. I know taking responsibility is scary. But one of the most beautiful things about it is that when you choose to pick up a heavy burden and bear it willingly, it gives your life a deep sense of meaning. It transforms you. It chips away at your weaknesses. It makes you humble, and grateful, and compassionate. It makes you better. The work that comes with earning your freedom – whether in marriage, or any other aspect of life – is ultimately the thing that forges your true character. Don’t look at your impending freedom as a burden. Look at it as an opportunity. It will change your life.
It's not often I get so excited about a package that I run to the mailbox to get it. But today, my package arrived. It was death in an envelope. My memento mori necklace. If you're not familiar with a memento mori, it's an object meant to remind you that you life is finite, and one day, you will die. Why did I buy it? I wanted a physical reminder that I could have on my body every single day to remind me to be present, and cherish every moment. I've been doing battle with distractions lately. TV. My laptop. Social media. My phone. Sometimes I get through a week and think of how much I could have accomplished, how many books I could have written, how many lives I could have touched... if I had just not gotten on Facebook/Netflix/Youtube/Reddit etc. Can you relate? Sometimes I'm tortured by my unrealized potential... My unfulfilled dreams... They are one of the root causes of my most depressing and anxious moments in life. ESPECIALLY when the unrealized potential can't be blamed on anything but me. My memento mori necklace is a reminder that my time here is limited. I don't want to waste a minute of it... Do you have a memento mori? Something that reminds you of your limited time here on earth? If so, I'd love to hear about it.
Do you feel like the closer you try to get to your partner, the more they pull away? Maybe you feel like no matter what you do, your partner won't open up to you, they dismiss your needs and feelings, and things just get swept under the rug? Or... Maybe you feel like you're always failing. No matter what you do, or how hard you try, it's never enough. Your partner always ends up feeling disappointed, and you always end up blindsided by the "problems" they have with your relationship. In today's podcast, we're going to be talking with Kyle Benson about Attachment Styles, and how they impact our ability to connect with each other, and deal with conflict.
Have you sat on the toilet playing Candy Crush until your phone battery dies, and then though, “What the heck am I doing? Or maybe you spent an entire day laying on the couch in a heap watching The Office… when then you notice the sun has set, and you’re still wearing your pajamas. You’ve wasted the entire day. And then you tell yourself, “I deserve this. I deserve a break.” Yeah, I’ve been there. Actually, a few weeks ago I had a massive depressive episode. Things had been building up… My wife is pregnant, hormonal, stressed, and tired. Coronavirus drama is everywhere. Civil unrest all over the world. I recently parted ways with a business partner. I hadn’t been working out like I normally do. And I was in a massive funk… Ironically, the thing that sent me over the edge?... It was the realization that I have such high aspirations and big goals for myself… … and yet I’d been wasting an embarrassing amount of my time! Netflix. Reddit. Youtube. Facebook. Instagram. Video games. Choose your poison. More than a dozen hours in front of a screen day after day. I thought about the hours I’d lost. And how those hours added up to days… that added up to weeks… Wasted. Time I could never get back. Books that could have been written. Memories that could have been made. Creative projects that could have been launched. Talents that could have been developed. All that potential squandered. My guess is that you aren’t much different from me, and that not living up to your own potential is one of the most depressing things you can experience. And it’s 1,000 times worse when the only person you can blame for wasting your life away is… yourself. And what’s worse, when I get depressed like this, I often withdraw from my relationship with my wife. Shame does that to me. Can you relate? When I was in the dumps, I reached out to my writing buddy, Sini. We’re both working on books right now. His is about Technology Dependence and how it’s destroying our lives. I said, “Sini. I’m in a funk. I need help. Can we talk about this? And can I record it in case anyone else finds it useful?” “Of course!” he said. (He’s a good dude like that.) We all know that technology can completely ruin our relationships. But if you’re REALLY honest with yourself… like, really, truly honest… how is technology impacting your emotional and mental health? Does it uplift you, or leave you feeling empty? Does it energize you, or drain you? Does it help you stay engaged and present, or does it distract you? Does it make you feel better about yourself, or does it exploit your insecurities? When you turn off the screen do you think, “Wow, I’m glad I did that?” or do you feel a sense of regret? And if the impact is generally negative on you… what are you going to do about it? (I honestly want to know! If you have had a positive experience disconnecting from technology in some way, I want to hear about it.) We’re in this together. I don’t want to look back on my life and realize I spent all my time looking at cat memes, playing with filters on my camera, and watching #Fail videos on Youtube. I want it to be full of memories, and laughter, and adventures. And I can’t get that from behind a screen.
Wanna hear some of the worst relationship advice I’ve ever heard? “If you prioritize your partner’s needs, and they prioritize your needs, your marriage will go well.” Hnnnnnnggggh! Sorry, that was the sound of me having an anger-aneurysm... This advice a recipe for disaster. Keep reading if you want to understand why. Here’s something I’ve seen happen more than once... Jonny falls in love with Sally becauses he makes him feel competent, and valued, and important. He loved that she relied on him a lot for her self-confidence. He felt like a hero when he could swoop in and save the day by fixing her problems. It was a massive ego-boost. Then one day, something happens… Sally got depressed. She stopped responding to Jonny’s efforts to save her. If anything, his attempts to fix everything just made her feel worse. Jonny starts to spiral. His identity is so wrapped up in being the savior for his wife, that he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He doesn’t know how to tolerate the anxiety of being faced with a problem he cannot solve. To cope with the negativity, he completely checks out of the marriage. Meanwhile, Sally is stuck. Jonny has saved her from so many of her past problems that she hasn’t built up the skillset or resiliency to take responsibility for saving herself. Their marriage gets really dark really fast. This happens ALL the time. If you lean too much on each other to feel safe, happy, or simply to get your needs met, this is the inevitable result… Women who build their entire identity around their role as a mother often experience this when the kids grow up and move out. It happens to working professionals who become obsessed with their jobs… and then they get laid off or have to start thinking about retirement. This happens to wives who can only be happy as long as their husband doesn’t look at porn. Or husbands who demand that their wives have sex with them X times per week. Rabbi Abraham Twerski calls this . Here’s how the story goes: An old fisherman goes down to the docks and sees a young man eating a steamed fish. "Young man why are you eating that fish?” he asked. The young man replies, "Because I love fish." “Oh, you love the fish? That’s why you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it? Don't tell me you love the fish... “You love yourself, and because the fish tastes good to you, therefore you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it.” So much of what is love, is fish love. If you want to have true, lasting, meaningful love, it requires you to Stand On Your Own Two Feet. (Go leave a comment on the video, and you could get a free copy of their new book.) Standing on your own two feet means you make an effort to show up as the very best husband or wife you can be… … NOT because you get a “thank you,” or praise, or sex in exchange… But because that’s the kind of partner you want to be. It means learning to manage your own emotions – like anxiety, depression, or fear – instead of managing other people’s behavior so you can avoid experiencing those emotions. Go back and read that paragraph again. It was important. It means cultivating interests, hobbies, and friends outside your marriage so you don’t lose your identity. It means learning to say “no” when it’s appropriate, to set boundaries, and to communicate what you want – and deal with the anxiety that comes up when you say these things. It means learning to love and accept your partner for who they are right now, even in the midst of the struggles and imperfections that cause you pain. Not holding out on your love and acceptance until they reach their potential. Your marriage will not thrive if you rely on your partner to meet your needs, solve your problems, and soothe your wounded heart. It will thrive when you develop the courage, awareness, and resilience to heal and care for yourself. As David Schnarch says, “Stop working on your marriage. Instead, let your marriage work on you.” -Nate
Do you think your husband is a narcissist? When you first met him, he was extremely likable. He was charismatic, charming, and flirtatious. Everyone who met him immediately liked him… and you felt like the luckiest girl in the world that he chose you. Then, over time, things started to change. You started to notice that most of your conversations revolved around his needs, his wants, and his accomplishments. He didn’t seem to care as much about what was going on in your life. He rarely asked you questions that allowed for any deep emotional connection. Life was good as long as his needs were met. You started to plan your life around making sure he was happy… because if he wasn’t, he’d often lose his temper, or say things that would make you feel as if you’d done something wrong. When you were hurting, he’d dismiss your emotions. And if he was the cause of your hurt, he’d somehow find a way to turn it around and make it your fault. When things really started to get rough, you tried to talk to him about it. Maybe you suggested you go to therapy. He didn’t take that well. He was hypersensitive to anything even remotely resembling criticism. He would withhold affection from you as punishment, or to gain leverage. You noticed that he started to find pleasure in tearing you and other people down. It seemed like the longer you were in the relationship, he was thriving more and more. You, on the other hand, seemed to get sicker and sicker. You were exhausted, stressed, depressed, and sad. You felt like a shadow of your former self. You started to wonder if you were the crazy one. “Maybe there’s something wrong with me… everyone seems to love him. He’s thriving. Maybe I’m the one who’s broken.” You began to float through life feeling lonely, guilty, ashamed, invisible, unimportant… You didn’t want to be judged. You didn’t want to appear disloyal. You believed that maybe this was a “phase,” or that it wasn’t a true reflection of his character. You became a shadow of your former vibrant, caring self. You lost the light in your eyes. DEEP BREATH Being married to a narcissist can be incredibly draining and difficult. Recently I had a conversation with Wendy Behary. She’s a licensed clinical social worker who has specialized in working with narcissists and those in with relationships with narcissists. She shared three powerful tips to help you deal with a narcissistic partner: 1. Get Help Most people simply don’t have the tools and resources to navigate the complexities of a relationship with a narcissist. If you want your relationship to survive and thrive, you will absolutely need to get help from a trained mental health professional. Specifically, someone who specializes in working with narcissists. Don’t be afraid to ask a prospective therapist questions about the experience or training they have working with narcissists. Ask them about their approach to treatment. Ask them about any success stories they’ve experienced working with past clients in situations similar to yours. Hiring the wrong therapist can actually cause more harm than good. So make sure you do your research here. 2. Be “Sturdy” When you’re sturdy, you are grounded. Rooted. You don’t give in easily to the storms of life. Being “sturdy” in relationship with a narcissistic partner means you have the self-control and self-respect to stand up for yourself without getting emotional or defensive. When your partner loses his temper and flies off the handle, you can calmly but firmly look him in the eye and say, “I don’t appreciate being spoken to that way. That might work with other people, but it won’t work with me anymore. I’m going to go for a walk while you cool down. Let me know when you’re ready to speak to me with more respect.” Being “sturdy” means you won’t let him bait you back into an unhealthy and unproductive cycle by escalating his emotions. Being “sturdy” means that you care enough about your own emotions, experiences, and values that you will not allow them to be dismissed, ignored, or swept under the rug. You cannot have a healthy relationship with a narcissist unless you are “sturdy.” (Which is why so many narcissists seek out partners who are “pleasers.” Those who will accept or even accomodate their selfish and entitled behaviors.) Being “sturdy” is definitely a skill that can be learned and mastered over time, even if it doesn’t come naturally to you. 3. Use Leverage Narcissists HATE being criticized. They don’t like to be wrong. They don’t like to accept help. They despise staring their own weaknesses, insecurities, and faults in the face. That means, inevitably, most narcissists will resist change – especially if it means meeting with a therapist to “talk” about things. They’ll dismiss, invalidate, manipulate, and throw emotional fits to get out of it. But you can get them to do the work… if you have leverage. Behary says that most narcissistic people don’t respond to positive incentives like the rest of us. “If you do this, you’ll get that,” doesn’t work for them. What motivates a narcissist to change is fear of losing something. Fear of losing reputation, privileges, status, or their relationship with you. By clearly outlining the consequences of negative behaviors (and following through on those consequences), your partner will be spurred to action. Behary recommends starting by saying something like, “I really love you, but the way things are going, I’m worried we may not have a future together. No matter how much I love someone, I just don’t think I can be in a relationship if I feel like this all the time. Something needs to change.” As you stand your ground, remain “sturdy,” create clear consequences for poor behavior, and seek the help of a trained counselor, you can set yourself up for success.Need more information? Check out Wendy Behary’s website , or you can get her book .
I hate working out… My lungs burn. Sometimes I feel like puking. And the next day I’m sore. ...But I love the results of a strong body. I hate cleaning the kitchen… Getting the gunk off the dishes. Wiping down the countertops and sweeping the floors. Loading and emptying the dishwasher. Nothing about any of that is fun for me. … But I love the resulting feeling I get when my house is clean. I hate going to the dentist… The anxiety of whether or not I’ll have a cavity. Getting poked and prodded. Shots. Drilling. Pain, slobber, trying to talk with my mouth open. ... But I love the results of having a clean, healthy mouth. I hate having hard conversations… They are stressful. Lots of big emotions. I’m not always great with my words. Sometimes I hurt the people I love. … But I love the result of having a strong relationship. The things that cause you pain and discomfort are sometimes really good for you. And, conversely, the things that make you feel good in the moment are often damaging over the long term. Chocolate chip cookies. Scrolling for hours on social media. Sleeping in all the time. Avoiding the hard conversations. Not managing your budget. Saying, “Yes.” to everything. It’s important to remember that in your marriage… Just because something makes you feel bad doesn’t mean it IS bad. And just because something makes you feel good doesn’t mean it IS good. You can’t have the life you want without truly understanding this lesson. Now, the important question: What painful thing that is GOOD for you are you running from? What easy or pleasurable thing are you holding on to that’s holding you back? And… what are you going to do about it?
Last week, New York Times bestselling author, Rachel Hollis, and her husband announced they are getting a divorce. Why should you care? Because whether you follow, admire, or even know who the Hollises are, there are some lessons to be learned in their failed relationship that could help you avoid their same fate. Rachel and Dave are arguably the most popular self-help couple on the planet right now. Rachel has written two New York Times bestselling books, “Girl, Wash Your Face,” and “Girl, Stop Apologizing.” She is the host of a popular podcast titled “Rise.” And she hosts a second marriage-themed podcast with Dave called “Rise Together.” And over the last several years, the Hollis’ have traveled the world sharing a message of “vulnerability,” “authenticity” and that you can create the life you want if you’re willing to put in the work to arenas full of devoted followers. Despite secretly contemplating divorce for the past few years, they sold out arenas, and pricey marriage retreats under the guise that they had it all together. They were the #PowerCouple. So, it’s no surprise that people felt betrayed and outraged when they announced their divorce. Millions of people admired them and aspired to be like them, after all. And, if this couple who talks openly about going to therapy, writes personal-development books, and hangs out with Oprah can’t make their marriage work… it begs the question… who can? It’s a valid question. The answer? You can. Here are 3 things you can do to help you a ridiculously awesome marriage: You Need A Strong Foundation For Your Relationship Renowned marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman says, “The simple truth is that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this, I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.” Developing a strong friendship means you know what’s going on in your partner’s world. You are curious about their fears, interests, hopes, and dreams. You know what they’re stressed about, and what they’re proud of. You know who the most important people in their life are. You enjoy spending time with them. You see and acknowledge the good they bring into your life. You trust each other. You have each other’s backs. You’re there for each other in a pinch. Without a foundation of friendship, love can’t flourish. In her book, “Girl, Wash Your Face,” Rachel talks about being in a relationship with a man who was manipulative and selfish. She breaks it off with him only to wake up the next morning and have him waiting at her door. Turns out, that man was Dave. Obviously I don’t have a window into their marriage… but based on that information, it sounds like their relationship started off on a foundation of manipulation, obsession, and infatuation. Not true friendship. If you want to have a love that lasts, cultivate your friendship over everything else. Your Marriage Dynamics Will Change... So Should You Every couple goes through major transitions in their relationship. Some of them are planned, and some aren’t. I remember coming home from a long day of work one day expecting dinner to be ready. I found my wife laying on the couch, playing a game on her phone. I got frustrated. I almost always have dinner waiting for her on the days she works, and she typically does the same for me… but the last few nights it had been her turn, she’d flaked on me. As we talked, I learned that the first trimester of pregnancy was more exhausting for my wife than she expected. She was just to wiped out to make dinner most evenings. The dynamic of our relationship had shifted, and we hadn’t talked about it… and things would have kept getting worse until we did. And the reality is that most couples don’t have those conversations. The world outside their marriage changes, but they want everything inside their relationship to remain predictable and consistent. That’s why things like loss of a job, an unexpected bout with depression, the death of a family member, extreme weight loss, a shift in religious beliefs, an unexpected windfall of cash, or any other major life transition can often send a marriage into a downward spiral. If you can’t accept that roles and responsibilities need to shift when your circumstances change AND have a conversation about it, your marriage could be in trouble. The Hollis family has undergone some MAJOR transitions over the last few years. They’ve stepped into the spotlight where millions of people can freely judge, scrutinize, and publicly critique their choices and actions. They’ve experienced massive growth in their business which can place major demands on their time and attention. They’ve experienced unexpected financial success which often amplifies peoples’ character traits… both good and bad. From the outside, a lot of these changes can appear really positive, and even make others envious. But, inside the marriage, it can be a different story. The couple is exposed to a brand new set of stressors and problems, and an amplification of the issues they might have already been dealing with. When the dynamic of your marriage shifts, it’s important for you to have the humility and the compassion required to dig in, adjust, and put your marriage above all else… even a multi-million dollar business. (Unless something else is more important to you… like fame or money.) Choose Your Mentors Wisely A lot of people are upset with Dave and Rachel right now because they feel duped. They looked up to the Hollises as mentors. Imperfect people who were willing to do the work, confront their imperfections and insecurities. They were showing the rest of the world how marriage could be done, despite having issues and needing therapy. Their fans are now realizing they got duped into developing a one-sided relationship with an influencer couple living a life of carefully-curated authenticity. Don’t get me wrong, as a marriage researcher, I believe having a mentor for your marriage is a brilliant idea. One that I wish more people bought into. Professional athletes have coaches. CEOs have boards of directors. Authors have editors. A good mentor is will help you excel at anything that truly matters to you. They help you unlock your full potential. And who doesn’t want to live up to their full potential in love? But you’ve gotta be smart when you pick a mentor! A true mentor is someone you can sit down and have a conversation with. They know you and care about you as an individual (or couple)... not just as a follower. They can dip into their library of past experiences and mistakes to help you succeed. They live a life that inspires you, not because of the accomplishments they’ve achieved, but the character they’ve developed. It’s fine to admire other people at a distance if you can use their lives as inspiration to make yourself better. But it can be dangerous if that admiration tilts into the realm of hero-worship. Comparison is, and always will be the thief of joy. If another couple’s life as portrayed on social media becomes your benchmark for success, watching them will only make you miserable. And on the flip side, if your hero falls short of your expectations or disappoints you… you’ll likely feel heartbroken and miserable. Find a good mentor... But don’t worship someone’s carefully curated social media feed. There’s a lot to learn from Rachel and Dave Hollis right now. Whether you’re feeling betrayed because you were a big fan who feels like you were lied to… Or whether you’re a critic who has always thought the Hollises are complete frauds… It might be tempting to throw stones, criticize, or judge them. But, the best thing you can do right now is look for the lessons. What can you learn from Rachel and Dave’s story that will make you a better person, or a better partner? Now your turn. Are there lessons you can learn from the Hollises that I didn’t mention? Are there things you’ve learned from their example (whether good or bad) that has helped you grow? Leave your thoughts in the comments!
A few weeks ago I had to get to an important appointment. Lots of important people were at this meeting. They couldn’t have it without me. I was nervous. Wanted to make a good impression. Maybe even impress some people I really admired. I got in my car, drove out of the suburbs where I live, and got on the freeway only to realize… … it was COMPLETE GRIDLOCK. Bumper-to-bumper. A semi-truck had flipped, blocking nearly every lane of traffic. My anxiety levels shot through the roof. I started to sweat. I got angry and panicky. The man in the car next to me was screaming at the improvised parking lot of cars in front of him. He was trying to wedge himself between cars in the next lane. It was obvious he wanted to get into the emergency lane and drive around everyone to get off at the next exit. Few things are more stressful and anxiety-provoking than unplanned traffic on the freeway. And few things are more convenient (and taken for granted) than a freeway where traffic is moving freely. In your marriage, your freeway is your communication. Remember when you first fell in love? One of the best feelings in the world was feeling like someone really got you. You could be 100% yourself, and they would love you and accept you exactly as you were. No walking on eggshells. No pretending to be someone you’re not. Best. Feeling. Ever. You could talk about anything! All the lanes of communication were wide open! But then… for most of us, reality eventually sets in. You have an argument. You get your feelings hurt. Your partner is dismissive, insensitive, or uses “that tone.” It’s like an “accident” happening in one of the lanes of your freeway. Suddenly, communication doesn’t “flow” like it used to. The relationship starts to feel tense. You’re riding your brakes in areas where you used to just cruise on through. And, if you don’t clean up the “wreck,” it can actually lead to other careless fender-benders. More lanes shut down. Your communication freeway becomes gridlocked. Lots of anger. Lots of stress, strain, and anxiety. Lots of frustration. Very little trust. Very little productivity. Very low connection, joy, or satisfaction. What’s the solution? YOU HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE ACCIDENTS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE! Sometimes it’s as simple as pushing the car off the road and having a quick exchange of information. Sometimes it means calling in the paramedics and a tow truck. (Maybe a good therapist?) If you don’t clean up the mess of conflict quickly, it will destroy your ability to communicate. And nothing is worse than expecting to be able to connect, bond with, and coordinate with the person who is supposed to “get” you better than anyone else on the road… But there’s just too many past arguments, mistakes, and hurt feelings in the way preventing you from that connection. If you are experiencing “Gridlock,” and you don’t know how to clear the path so you can re-open all the lanes of communication in your marriage, a GREAT place to start is with the . Think of it as AAA for your marriage. We give you the resources you need to deal with anything from a flat tire to a 20-car pileup. You can rest easy knowing that you have everything you need to keep your lanes of communication wide open.
I almost died rafting the snake river. Six other friend and I were paddling down the river when we got caught in an unexpected current created by a tight bend in the river. Our little raft slammed into the base of a cliff. The boat flipped. Bodies and oars went flying. Our river guide (who was not wearing a helmet) slammed his head against the rock and was bleeding badly. I heard people screaming, and splashing as they tried to get back to the upturned raft. Some were even trapped underneath. I looked down the river and realized that some pretty serious rapids - class III and IV - were coming up quickly. We were in trouble. Suddenly, the safety training our river guide gave us before we started our journey popped into my head. “If your raft capsizes, there’s only one way to flip it back over. You have to climb on top, hook the handle of your paddle into the rope on one side of the raft, then use your body as leverage as you pull on the paddle to flip the raft over.” (.) I hauled myself up onto the raft, grabbed the rope, leaned back and flipped it over. One by one we got everyone back into the raft, gathered our paddles, patched up our bloody river guide, and muscled through the rapids. As things calmed down, my buddy leaned over to me and asked, “How on earth did you know how to flip the raft back over?” “I just paid attention during the safety training,” I said. (It didn’t hurt that I’d been working out and had the strength to haul my wet body up onto the raft.) I don’t tell you this story just because I want you to think I’m cool… but if you do, I guess I’m ok with that. This lesson is more parable for marriage. Life is like the river. It gives all sorts of surprise currents, rapids, and rocks to navigate. And sometimes it even upturns your raft. When your raft gets upturned (you’re arguing a lot, you have a new baby, a parent passes away, someone gets really sick, you lose your job, etc.) it can be scary and dangerous! You might panic. You might freak out. You might feel trapped, or doomed. But if you’ve taken the training, developed the skills, and you FOLLOW THE PRINCIPLES AND TOOLS THAT LEAD TO SUCCESS, you can right the ship, recover, and finish the trip. And you can have a BLAST doing it! The real danger comes when you experience a challenge and you don’t have the training or skills to overcome it. You feel helpless as you flounder and struggle in the water. You can exhaust yourself swimming against the current. You can panic, and pull people under the water in an effort to save yourself. In your marriage, this kind of “drowning” behavior often shows up as blaming, criticizing, shutting down, attacking your partner, name-calling, having the same arguments over and over and over, and immense amounts of shame. In order to survive and thrive in marriage, you HAVE to have emergency safety training. You HAVE to have a plan in place for emergencies and crises. You have to know how to right the ship by repairing the damage that was done, keep yourself safe and panic-free by learning to manage your own emotions, and help your shipmate if they’re in trouble. So, how do you get this training? That’s what I’m here for. The best way is to or join the . These experiences are designed 100% to help you navigate the rapids of marriage, keep your raft upright, and keep yourself and your partner from drowning. But most importantly… I want to help you enjoy the journey! If you feel like you’re in over your head (literally or figuratively), please . Don’t drown when you could have gotten help.
The other day I came home from work. I walked in the door and saw my wife on her phone at the table. “Hey honey, how did your day go today?!” She looked up at me with a hurt expression on her face. She told me how she felt judged and micromanaged. She felt like she was failing as a wife. She felt like she could never live up to my expectations. I was speechless. “What the heck are you talking about?” Turns out my wife – along with millions of other humans all over the planet – has a BRUTAL inner critic. And when I asked her how her day had gone, that inner critic took on my voice. When I asked, “How did your day go?” the inner critic translated that into me judgmentally asking her, “Were you productive today? Did you get everything done that you planned? Do you feel good about yourself? Did you live up to your fullest potential?” She felt judged. She felt attacked. She felt like a failure. And immediately her defenses went up. I’ve been a marriage researcher for almost a decade. I teach people regularly that defensiveness and criticism nearly always manifest themselves together. If one partner is overly-critical, the other is often overly-defensive. But only recently did it occur to me that sometimes when we feel criticized by others, it’s really us using other people to reflect our own self-judgment back at ourselves. We seek any opportunity to validate our deepest insecurities of not feeling good enough, loveable enough, ambitious enough, _______ enough. My weakness? Taxes. My wife can bring them up in the sweetest, most sensitive, and non-threatening voice ever, and I often (and almost immediately) interpret it her questions about taxes as, “I’m a failure because I haven’t taken care of this yet. I’m unreliable. I’m incompetent. I’m a disappointment…” That inner critic is out of control. The temptation is to retreat into my fortress and put up my defenses as if my wife was waging emotional warfare on me. Can you relate? Defensiveness is dangerous. It can create an enemy out of an ally in seconds. This is why learning to acknowledge and manage your inner critic is absolutely necessary. It will keep you from going to war with your partner over something that’s completely made up in your head.
Pelvic Floor Disorders occur in 1 out of every 4 women. Things like urinary incontinence, fecal incontinence, uterine prolapse and chronic constipation are incredibly common. But just because peeing your pants after you have a baby is a common problem doesn’t make it normal. And here’s the kicker: 80-90% of women who experience a pelvic floor disorder experience some type of sexual dysfunction. Do I have your attention?
Growing up, I believed a horrible lie. I had this idea that when I got married, my life would revolve around my wife, her needs, her wants, and her dreams. And her life would revolve around mine. We would travel together… Pursue hobbies together… Clean the house together… Watch shows together... Raise kids together... Basically, we would do everything together. Neither of us would ever find anyone else attractive. We wouldn’t even have friends of the opposite sex. I would be all she needed. She would be all I needed. It was going to be just me and her… together... against the world. Honestly, it sounded kinda romantic. But now that I’m a little older and wiser, I have learned this “romantic” idea is a recipe for disaster. Here’s why. In order to have a thriving marriage, it requires you to balance the needs of 3 different parties. Your needs. Your partner’s needs. And the needs of your marriage. When you treat your needs, your partner’s needs, and the needs of your marriage as if they are all the same, all the time… someone will end up regularly sacrificing their needs. When this happens, you might start to feel suffocated, or smothered. Or maybe you’ll begin to feel frustrated and resentful. Or you could just lose your identity. Completely forget who you are. This is called Enmeshment. It can feel safe for a while… but eventually it feels terrible. Here’s why. As renowned psychotherapist, Esther Perel says, “Modern relationships are cauldrons of contradictory longings.” You need comfort, predictability, stability, and safety. But you also want spontaneity, surprise, mystery, and desire. You want to feel a sense of togetherness, companionship, and connection with the one you love. But you don’t want to feel like a prisoner. And that means, deep down, you need to have some freedom, a sense of independence, and individuality. When your desires, needs, interests, and dreams are sacrificed for, or consumed by your partner’s (or vice versa) you lose something vitally important. You lose half of yourself. You exist in the world (and in your relationship) as an incomplete person. You start to feel your partner’s worries, anxieties, pains, and frustrations as if they were your own. The quality of your life is directly tied to your partner’s moods, struggles, and insecurities. It’s hard to distinguish between what thoughts and emotions are yours… and which ones belong to your partner. It can get confusing and overwhelming. Balancing these opposing needs requires thoughtful effort. To continue Esther Perel’s quote, “Reconciling the domestic and the erotic is a delicate balancing act that we achieve intermittently at best. It requires knowing your partner while remaining open to the unknown, cultivating intimacy that respects privacy. Separateness and togetherness alternate, or proceed in counterpoint. Desire resists confinement, and commitment mustn't swallow freedom whole.”
I’m not much of a sports guy, but I’m LOVE learning about people who are the very best at what they do. So over the last few weeks, I’ve been binging Michael Jordan’s new documentary, “The Last Dance.” In 1993, Jordan retired from Basketball and went to play Double-A baseball. The world was shocked. He was the best player in the world! He had just won 3 NBA Championships! Why wouldn’t he defend his title, and go for a fourth? The world was shocked. Nearly two years later, right as the playoffs were beginning, he came back to his struggling Chicago Bulls team and strapped on his infamous Air Jordans again. The world held its breath. Would MJ be what the Bulls needed to reclaim their title? Nope. The Bulls lost to the Orlando Magic in the second round. In the documentary, MJ says, “I just didn’t have enough time to rebuild my body.” He had the talent to win more championships. He had the work ethic to win more championships. He still had the potential to be the best basketball player in history. But at the time, he’d spent so much time playing a different game (baseball), that he wasn’t prepared to play basketball at the level he needed to play in order to win. He simply lacked some training and conditioning. When I heard him talk about this, something clicked in my brain. I know so many couples who have the potential for greatness! They have the capacity to be world-class lovers, and create epic marriages that make everyone else jealous of how amazing they have it. (You’re probably one of them… no lie.) But they’re not there yet... They’re not currently training to be a champion. Michael Jordan left basketball because he was stressed. He was under immense pressure. He was mourning the loss of his father. He needed a break. Maybe you are living beneath your potential because you’re stressed? Are you overwhelmed? Are you mourning the loss of something or someone? If you’re REALLY honest with yourself, are you distracting yourself from the things that could make you a champion in marriage, or with your family? These are important questions. Here’s why… When MJ lost to the Magic, he looked at his trainer, Tim Grover, and said, “See you at the gym tomorrow.” He decided nothing would come between him and a championship again. He and Tim started training for next year’s goal the very next day. And then… he won 3 NBA Championships in a row, along with three Finals MVP awards, 3 MVP awards, 3 All-Star appearances, 2 All-Star MVPs… and more. Now, I have 3 questions: If you’re not where you want to be in your marriage, do you have the commitment to get there? Do you have a clear game plan to get there? Do you have the right coach or trainer in your corner like Michael Jordan did? Success leaves clues regardless of the discipline. If you’re committed to the right goal, and you take the necessary required actions every day, you will get the results you want. That’s all it takes. If you are interested in doing some “training” with me, . -Nate
Did you know there are TWO types of anxiety? (By the way, there’s a difference between feeling anxious and having an anxiety disorder. This email is about the common, everyday experience of feeling anxious. I just want to make sure we don’t trivialize a mental health disorder that can be really challenging to deal with… ok, onwards.) Your brain creates the feeling of anxiety for two reasons. The first is to prevent you from dying. So, if your brain thinks there’s a tiger in the bushes, or a robber hiding in a dark alley, or if you’re at risk of falling from a great height like this dingus... … you get a shot of anxiety. Your brain is basically saying, “Hey… you might die. So, exercise some caution here, would ya?” But let’s be real, your life probably isn’t at risk very often. So, 90% of the time the life-and-death anxiety isn’t the type of anxiety you’re experiencing, even though it might feel like it. Most people deal with the OTHER type of anxiety. This second type of anxiety typically hits when you’re stepping outside your comfort zone, pushing your limits, or challenging yourself. It’s the anxiety associated with growth. Remember the first day of school? Ever have to give a big presentation at work? Have you gone back to the gym for the first time in a long break? Need to have that conversation about the budget? Has your partner ever challenged your opinion on something important? You get that rush of adrenaline. Your heart rate increases. You can feel the butterflies in your stomach or tightness in your back. Your sweat glands go into overdrive. That’s ALL Growth Anxiety. It’s your brain saying, “Heeeeey! This is something we haven’t done before! Why didn’t I get notified? Are we ready? Are we SURE we’re not gonna die?” If you push through Growth Anxiety, amazing things happen. Just like an airplane needs wind resistance to create lift… Or your muscles need to experience resistance to grow stronger… The currency you must pay to become a better version of yourself is pushing through the resistance that comes from Growth Anxiety. As you do this, you learn. You evolve. You become stronger and more resilient. One of the biggest mistakes you can make in life is confusing Growth Anxiety for keep-you-alive anxiety. Do this and you’ll get stuck. You’ll experience the same problems, arguments, and struggles over and over again. Your life will be full of regrets, unfulfilled dreams, and broken relationships. All this… because you treated a growth experience as if it were going to kill you. Think about what’s causing you anxiety in life. If it’s not going to kill you, ask yourself, “What’s the lesson I need to learn? What’s the growth I need to experience? What can I learn in order to turn the things that are worrying me into things that I can manage with confidence? What did you think of this post? Learn anything? Let me know in the comments...
“My husband and I have been going to therapy off and on for over a decade. We made more progress in our marriage during the Epic Wives Experiment than we ever did during our time in counseling.” Over 500 women have gone through the , and I’ve literally spent hours sitting at my computer overwhelmed with emotion as I read the breakthroughs, testimonials, and transformations experienced by these Epic Wives. So, why does the Epic Wives Experiment work so well? Why are we so good at helping these women get ridiculously awesome results? (At the end of the day, that’s what we all really want, right? Results matter!) Honestly, it’s a combination of things. First, you get to be part of a STELLAR community of women. You’re in the trenches with hundreds of other amazing wives who are committed to leveling up their love. You have a massive cheering section. You have people to bounce ideas off of, and learn from. You have a compassionate group of humans to lift you up when you’re feeling discouraged, or hurt. When you read a relationship book, go to therapy, or listen to a podcast… you’re typically on your own. When you have the support, encouragement, and comradery of a group of amazing women, you’re WAY more likely to stick with your commitments and goals to do better and be better. Second, you have passionate guides who care about your success! If you’ve gone to therapy, you know you get about an hour to discuss your paints, struggles, and issues. Then you create a plan, and a week or two later, you check back in with the therapist ot see how things went. In between appointments, you’re on your own. There’s nobody there to coach you. Nobody to help you stay grounded when things inevitably get tricky. Nobody to help you implement what you’ve learned. In the Epic Wives Experiment, you get access to me and Laura Heck, one of the top Marriage and Family Therapists in the world. We coach you every Monday. We give you specific action items to help you implement what you’ve learned Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Then, we sit with you in a live Q&A on Friday. (For context, we each charge over $100 per hour for individual coaching/therapy… if we have openings) And throughout the week, we are active in the Facebook group, answering questions, encouraging you, celebrating with you, and encouraging you. No other marriage resource provides you an experience like that. For real. Third… you follow a specific path. Learning is addicting. It feels good to learn new tools, strategies, principles, and tactics by reading and listening to books, binging podcasts, or even attending workshops. When you learn something new, you think, “Woah, I’m a better person now.” But the knowledge doesn’t make you better. The application of knowledge is what makes you better. The only way to create transformation is to take action. There’s literally NO other way. But a lot of people get stuck when it comes to implementation. “I get the principle… but how do I put it into practice? Where do I start?” In the Epic Wives Experiment, we’ve developed the path for you. No stressing about what to do next. No wondering “Am I doing this right?” If you trust the process and show up a few minutes every day, and follow the path… you have no choice but to become an Epic Wife! And here’s where it gets crazy… When you change how you show up, it automatically impacts how your partner will show up!!! That’s why every time we’ve done this, we have wives losing their minds when their husbands buy them flowers, turn off ESPN to have meaningful, connecting conversations, or willingly help more around the house without being asked. These are just a few of the reasons the Epic Wives Experiment works. And by “works” I mean gets wives the results they want. . If you show up and do the work, and you don’t get results, I’ll give you your money back! That’s how confident I am that I can help you take your marriage to the next level. Please don’t miss out.
“It’s the little things done often that make the difference.” This is my favorite quote from the world’s most notable marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman. It’s easy to dismiss the quote as a great soundbite and miss all the wisdom that’s packed into it. So I want to spend a minute and tell you how this quote can change your life. Most people want to live a happy and fulfilling life. And the key to a happy life is great relationships. Research has shown again and again that the factor most directly correlated with the quality of your life is the quality of your relationships. And the relationship that has the biggest impact on your life is... you guessed it, your marriage! When your marriage sucks - when you’re constantly feeling lonely, disconnected, frustrated, stressed, overwhelmed, angry, disappointed, unappreciated, neglected, or attacked - it negatively impacts EVERY other aspect of your life. On average…. You are significantly more likely to struggle with depression and anxiety. You’re more likely to get sick more often Your body will heal more slowly from infections, injuries, and diseases You’ll have fewer friends You’ll struggle with productivity at work You’ll have less sex You’ll make less money You’ll live a shorter life So, having a great marriage is REALLY important at the very least if you don’t want to be miserable. What most people get hung up
“5. 4. 3. 2. 1. 0. All engine running… Liftoff! We have a liftoff!” In the summer of 1969, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldren, and Michael Collins were strapped to the tip of a rocket containing over 500,000 pounds of fuel, staring at the sky. The burners had been lit, and the rocket catapulted them towards a mission that had never been accomplished before: Putting a human on the moon. I can’t imagine what was going on in the astronauts’ minds at that moment. What I do know is that for the years leading up to this mission, the astronauts, and the teams at NASA who built the rockets had been doing something VERY important… pressure-testing. The rockets had to withstand over 7.6 million pounds of thrust without exploding in order for hte launch to be successful. That’s more power than 85 Hoover Dams. So, before the launch ever happened, the teams at NASA would pressure-test them. They would pump the prototypes full of gas or water at insanely high pressures to simulate the pressure created during launch… and they’d look for weaknesses. Pressure exposes weaknesses. This isn’t just a literal principle. It’s also an awesome metaphor. High-pressure situations also expose mental, emotional, physical, and relational weaknesses. (This is why astronauts have such intense training. They try to simulate the chaos that can occur during a rocket launch to strengthen their weaknesses so they don’t panic if something terrible or unexpected happens.) And right now, most of us are under some real pressure! A worldwide pandemic. Social isolation. A suffering economy. Depression and anxiety. Kids out of schools. Family members in possible danger. And if you live in my neck of the woods... earthquakes. ugh All of this pressure will expose the weaknesses in your marriage. The arguments, insecurities, tensions, and frustrations you already have will be amplified. If gone unchecked, the pressure can tear your marriage apart. In China, as mandatory lockdowns were lifted a few weeks ago, . But this doesn’t have to be the case for you! If you’re in a difficult spot right now, and it’s being exacerbated by the conditions of the world, you can choose to see this time of high-pressure as a gift. You’re being exposed to your weaknesses. Weaknesses that might have otherwise been invisible to you, or easy to ignore. Now, you get a chance to fix them! You can face them head-on, create a plan, and patch them up before they do irreparable damage. Pressure exposes weaknesses. The pressure isn’t going anywhere for a while. And you get to choose how you deal with it. It can accelerate and amplify the things that are already broken... Or, it can be a gift. If you choose to face it head-on, it can open the door to a marriage far better than you ever could have hoped. What will you choose?
A reader reached out to me a few weeks ago. “My husband hasn’t talked to me in 3 days. We had an argument, and he just shut me out. Is that normal? I want to talk about it… but maybe he still needs time to process. Maybe I just need to lower my expectations.” If I had a dollar for every time I had someone talk about how low expectations are the key to a happy marriage, I’d be a very wealthy man. And it’s heartbreaking… Because the idea that the key to happiness is low expectations is a complete myth! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should go out there and develop ridiculously high expectations all around for your relationship. You aren’t always going to agree on everything. Your partner isn’t going to constantly be in a good mood. Sometimes you won’t get to go on vacation when you want, eat at the restaurant you want, or work the job you want. Your partner won’t always be in the mood to do/watch/talk about the exact same thing you want to do/watch/talk about… That’s just silly. Those types of expectations are just resentment waiting to happen. What I’m talking about right now is a study done by . Dr. Baucom found that in marriage, people typically get what they expect. If you’ve got low expectations about how your partner will treat you in your relationship, you will tend to be in relationships where you are treated poorly. If you’ve got high expectations about how you’ll be treated by your partner, you tend to be in a relationship where you are treated well. These expectations matter! So, here are 3 things you should ALWAYS have high expectations for in your relationship: Being Treated with Kindness Even During Conflict Being Treated with Respect Problem Solving As a Team
Gerritt was working long hours as a police officer. The job was intense and stressful. He’d come home at the end of the day exhausted after a long 13-hour shift, dealing with criminals and paperwork. He’d walk through the door, and it often felt like he was just met with a to-do list from his wife. He could tell his kids were growing more and more distant. Many nights they’d already be asleep when he got home. Then he started hitting up bars after his shift to unwind with a little alcohol. After a while, the alcohol wasn’t enough of an escape. He started getting depressed. So he met with a doctor who gave him some medication… which he abused with the booze. He started working longer hours to avoid going home where he’d have to face his failure as a husband and father. Nothing he did could fill the hole of inadequacy and emptiness he carried around with him. His marriage was falling apart. Eventually he even turned to another woman to give him what he wasn’t getting at home. It didn’t help. In fact, it made things worse. One day after a particularly long shift, he sat in his car in the parking garage and took a look at the gun on his belt… and he wondered if the world would be better without him. It was at that point that Gerritt decided to turn his life around. He decided instead of blaming people, substances, and circumstances for not filling the hole he felt in himself, he would take responsibility for filling it himself. Over several months and years he completely turned his life, and his marriage around. (To hear more about his story, listen to today’s podcast episode embedded above.) The POWERFUL lesson I was left with after I interviewed Gerritt is that the best way to transform your life, or your marriage, is by transforming yourself. The marriage you currently have is the marriage you’ve chosen for yourself. And if you want a different marriage or a different life, all you have to do is start making different choices. It’s so simple, but it’s SO powerful. If Gerritt can dig himself out of addiction, depression, divorce, and suicidal thoughts - and create a life with a vibrant, fulfilling marriage, meaningful work, and a desire to lift up everyone he comes in contact with - imagine what YOU could do if you chose to outgrow your problems! What’s the problem you continue to bump into? The thing that’s standing between you and the life or marriage you want? What’s the thing preventing you from taking that next step forward? How could you approach it differently to maybe get different results? Leave your ideas in the comments!
I saw another heartbreaking announcement on my Facebook feed a few weeks ago. “If you haven’t heard yet, my partner and I are getting a divorce…” This couple had been married for over a decade. They had multiple children together. The news, as it almost always is, was heartbreaking. For many divorce can seem to come completely out of nowhere. For others, it feels like it’s a long time coming. And the first question people inevitably ask is “Why?” Why did it happen? Some people assume, “They must have had a terrible sex life.” Other people guess, “They were probably struggling financially.” Some even jump to the conclusion that there must have been an affair going on. “I wonder who it was…” But the reality is that money, sex, inlaws, poor communication… Almost all of these are just surface problems. It turns out that the REAL cause of divorce is something deeper. As a matter of fact, one study shows that over 80% of divorces can be attributed to one thing: I call it “Emotional Drift.” Drift /drift/ verb 1. to be carried slowly by a current of air or water. The idea is that couples drift apart over time. Little by little their friendship fades. They stop making fun memories with each other. They lose interest in each other's lives and get distracted by their jobs, their children, finances, and other obligations. They stop being playful with one another or laughing together. They stop kissing each other. They stop holding hands, creating inside jokes, or having deeply meaningful conversations. They stop relying on each other. They are more critical, less patient, more judgemental, less empathetic. And over time, the current of life slowly pulls them away from each other. The reason couples can’t can’t navigate the struggles of finances, sex, parenting or anything else together is because… well, they’ve emotionally drifted apart. They’re not in sync. They’re not together. They’re not attuned to each other’s emotions, needs, thoughts, or desires. If you truly want to prevent divorce, you need to be like a pair of otters. Otters often sleep while floating in rivers and oceans. The reason they don’t drift apart from each other? They stay connected. [OTTER GIF] Otters know that when they hold hands, they can rest comfortably… because when they wake up, their partner will be right there next to them, whether the current is calm or chaotic. Here are 5 things you can do to prevent Emotional Drift from ever destroying your relationship: 1. Ask Better Questions Stop asking questions that can be answered with only 1 word! How was your day? How are you feeling? What do you wanna do? Gross. These questions don’t help you stick together, and defeat the dreaded “Emotional Drift.” Just nix them from your vocabulary! Instead ask open-ended questions like these: What’s something you’ve been worrying about lately? Outside our family, who is the most important person in your life right now, and why? What was the most exciting/frustrating/interesting/hilarious part of your day today? They’ll give you a window into your partner’s life, and help you stay connected, and enamored with them! 2. Create Cool Rituals Legendary marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman says, “It’s the small things done often that make the difference. Most people live lives centered around rituals of convenience. You always take your phone into the bathroom with you when you poop. You wear the 3 or 4 outfits over and over even though you have a closet full of different stuff. You wash our body in the shower in the same order every day… because it’s just what you do. But something amazing happens when you get intentional with your habits and rituals. What would happen if every time you took your phone into the loo, you texted your partner something you loved about them before checking Instagram? How would life be different if every day after brushing your teeth, you wrote a love note to your lover on the bathroom mirror? How would it be if every evening before taking your first bite of food, you shared a passionate 6-second kiss? It’s the small things done often that keep you from drifting apart. 3. Be a Safe Space To Land In her book on affairs and infidelity, “Not ‘Just Friends,’” Dr. Shirley Glass says the first warning sign that your marriage might be in trouble is that you’re keeping secrets from each other. People keep secrets for lots of reasons. It’s hard to share something with your spouse when you know it will hurt them. One of the greatest gifts you can give your partner is being a soft place for them to land. Here’s what that means… Tell your partner right now that no matter how painful something might be to hear, you promise to always receive it without flying off the handle, or an explosion of emotions. When you can absorb the impact of tough news without imploding or lashing out, your partner is more likely to share everything with you… even the hard things. Which means… no secrets… and no Emotional Drift. 4. Prioritize Together Time Married couples spend about 2.5 hours a day together. Over ⅓ of that time is spent watching TV. Another 30 minutes is spent eating meals. And another 30 minutes is spent doing housework. Most couples spend the remainder of that time coordinating schedules, or discussing kids and other obligations. The truth is, unless you’re incredibly intentional, you probably don’t get much downtime together. Try to get a solid 3 hours of meaningful time together each week. Whether it’s playing a game, going for a walk, or sexy-times, it’s important to play, to joke around, and to connect BEYOND the normal, day-to-day stuff that is necessary for survival. 5. The Magic Ratio Research shows that the most fulfilled and happy couples have a ratio of 20 positive interactions to every negative interaction. This is what Dr. John Gottman calls the “Magic Ratio.” During times of conflict this ratio dropped to 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. Couples who were absolutely miserable, and then got divorced? Their average ratio was right around 1:1. Want to stay close, connected, and fight that emotional drift? Work on increasing your ratio! Send thoughtful texts. Hold hands. Offer appreciation to your partner for the little things. Compliment them. Play games together. Talk about all your fond memories together. Laugh at their stupid jokes. Read books together… If you do these 5 things, you’ll be like those otters up above, and you’ll never drift apart as you float down this crazy river known as life. You can control whether or not you become a divorce statistic! The best way to avoid ending up on the wrong side of those statistics is to eliminate Emotional Drift.
Are you a problem-solver? When your partner gets upset or frustrated, or you get in a little tiff, do you go right into solution-finding mode? If you are, welcome to the club. I, also, am a problem-solver. It’s hard to beat that feeling when you can make an annoying problem disappear. Unfortunately, our amazing problem-solving skills can be terrible for marriage. Research shows that 69% of conflict in a marriage is unresolvable, perpetual conflict. The kind of problems that don’t go away… ever. Ugh! So dumb. So, if over half of your problems can’t be solved, what the heck are you supposed to do with them? That’s exactly what I talk about in today’s podcast episode! But for those of you who like reading, and not listening, I’ll clue you in. When you bump into unsolvable problems like: I’m an extrovert, she’s an introvert I’m a neat-freak, he’s cluttery I am a rule-follower, he’s a rule-breaker I’m an early bird, she’s a night owl I’m a saver, he’s a spender Or any other marriage issue… I want you to do one thing before you try to “solve” the problem. Seek mutual understanding!When you get curious and seek to understand what’s going on in your partner’s head and heart during (or after) a time a conflict, the solvable problems almost always get solved, and the unsolvable problems get minimized. It’s like magic! Start by saying, “Help me understand.” Listen to your partner as they share their feelings. Repeat back to them (word-for-word) what you hear until they feel like you really get what’s going on for them. Then switch roles. You’ll be amazed at how NOT focusing on solving problems actually makes them go away. Try it out and let me know how it goes! -Nate P.S. Want to learn more about this? Check out Say What You Need To Say. It’s the communication course I’ve been working on for the last year. The purpose of SWYNTS is to give couples everything they need to feel confident that they can handle any obstacle or trial life throws at them and still keep their marriage strong.
Today I want to teach you the most important lesson I know. I’ve written hundreds of thousands of words in my past emails and courses. I’ve probably said millions more words in my podcasts. And don’t get me wrong, those lessons are all pretty good (if I do say so myself). But they don’t mean jack squat without the lesson I teach in today’s podcast. Knowledge is NOT power! Knowledge is the POTENTIAL of power. True power - power to change your life, your circumstances, your marriage, and your reality - comes through action. It’s that simple. These emails that I send out on the regular, my podcast, my courses, my videos, the books you might be reading - they’re all packed with insights. And gaining insights feels GOOD! It tickles that reward system in our brains. When I learn something particularly awesome, I always feel the need to pat myself on the back for how awesome I am. But being an insight-chaser doesn’t magically change your life, or turn you into a better person! The magic comes from being an action-taker. Being an action-taker means you step outside your comfort zone to put into practice the things you’re learning. It means you risk failure. It means you take chances. Insight-chasing almost always happens inside your comfort zone. Growth, progress, miracles, and results always happen OUTSIDE your comfort zone. So, my big question for you today is, “What’s something you know you could be doing to make your life better… but you’re not doing it?” And the followup, “When are you going to do it?!” Get committed today to turn your knowledge into power. Get out there and take action! Be an action-taker, not an insight-chaser. It will change your life. -Nate
I’m not a math guy. It’s a lot like folding laundry. I’m not bad at it, but I don’t enjoy it… like at all. But there’s one math formula I can get behind. It’s called the “Magic Ratio.” (Listen to today’s podcast on the Magic Ratio here!) If your ratio is on point, your marriage is almost guaranteed to be amazeballs. If your ratio sucks, so does your marriage. (It’s not me judging you… it’s the math.) Here’s how it works. Several decades ago, Dr. John Gottman had married couples come spend a weekend in his “Love Lab.” It was basically like the set of Big Brother… but with more science. They had cameras set up to record the couple’s interactions. The couples wore heart rate monitors, and they had “jiggleometers” on the bottom of their chairs to measure how much they were fidgeting. They took urine and blood samples to measure their hormones. They even had one of those two-way mirrors with interns on the other side coding their facial expressions and body language. The goal was to gather as much data as possible on these couples. After studying these couples in the Love Lab over and over again for YEARS, Dr. Gottman found some monumentally life-changing things. One of them is called the Magic Ratio. He found that the happiest, most fulfilled, and most successful couples experienced an average of 20 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. For every one criticism, tough conversation, or angry word, there were 20 smiles, kisses, compliments, encouraging words, booty-pats, winks, offers to help with chores, small gifts, back scratches, etc. And during times of conflict, that ratio dropped down to 5:1. Sure these couples get frustrated about whose turn it was to change the diaper, or whether or not to pop the zit on his back. But they still found ways to build positivity in their relationship with a comforting hug, a hand on the leg, or cracking a dumb joke to ease the tension. The most miserable couples? Their ratio was around .8:1. Now for the important question… if you had to guess what your ratio was, what would it be? 2:1? 5:1? 50:1? If it’s under 20:1, I want you to set a goal for today. Make it a point to bump up your Magic Ratio by a few points. Send your lover a thoughtful text. Write them a thank you note. Offer to take care of their least favorite chore. Flirt with them… like the way you did when you were dating. Get that ratio up to 20:1, and see what a difference it makes. I promise you, it will be “MAGICAL.” (They don’t call lit the Magic Ratio for nothing!) -Nate
What would you do if you had to stand up and speak in front of 6,000 people without notice? Yeah... that happened to me a few weeks ago. I was at a conference, and the speaker, a very intimidating guy named Garrett White went out into the audience to do some coaching. (Save some veiny muscles for the rest of us, Garrett. Sheesh…) Anyway… I’m sitting in the audience, taking notes and minding my own business when suddenly Garrett is standing in front of me. He hands me a microphone and says, “Let’s talk.” So, without emptying my bladder (I’m proud of that), I stood up and introduced myself. He reached out and stroked my beard, something I only let my wife do… but how do you say no to a scary dude like him in front of 6,000 people? And then we started to talk. He asked me what I’d learned from his talk so far. Luckily I had been paying attention and I shared something that had hit me quite hard. I told him his talk made me want to die. But not in the literal way. I wanted to die metaphorically. I knew that in order for me to become the person I want to be - the person who will impact millions of marriages, lower the divorce rate, rid the world of mediocre love, and be the most kick-butt husband imaginable - it meant the person I am now would have to die off. Who I am now is not sufficient. Although I am making progress, I currently lack the necessary focus, commitment, knowledge, leadership, and fortitude to accomplish my goals. My ability to reach my goals in a shorter time span hinges on my willingness to kill off the parts of myself that I need to let go of to make space for the “new me” to come into existence. I’ll be real with you… there’s a lot I can let go of or “kill off.” For starters, I tend to run away from my weaknesses… like budgeting, or anything that involves “processes or operations.” I avoid doing things that scare me, like talking to strangers. Especially when I feel like those strangers have a higher “status” than I do. I sometimes choose to eat like garbage, and waste a lot of time in front of screens. I find it easy to point out the faults of others and I resist recognizing the faults in myself. And these are just the things I’m AWARE of! There are plenty of other things that need to “die off” that I’m blind to. It’s easy to buy into the pop-culture narrative that you’re “good enough” exactly how you are. Now, I do NOT want to perpetuate self-loathing. But the older and more experienced I get, the more I realize that the people who really make a difference in the world, in their communities, and in their relationships never feel satisfied. They are always looking for a new way to grow, a weakness to let go of, or a problem to solve. Check out today’s podcast and ask yourself the question, “What part of me needs to die off in order to have the life I want?” The best lives are filled with 1,000 tiny deaths. Opportunities to let go, forgive, move forward, and be better. So yeah… I (more or less) explained that to Garrett. He didn’t have much to say to me. He took his microphone back and walked back to the stage. I guess he saw that I’d learned the lesson. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Shoot me an email, or leave a comment if this created a shift for you! Are there parts of you that need to die off? If so, what are they, and what are you going to do about it? -Nate
Two years ago I hosted the first ever . Hundreds of people showed up to hear some of my favorite relationship experts speak for a few hours. At the very end of the event we did a powerful activity. We had the entire audience stand up and dance to an amazing, upbeat song. They got their hearts pumping, and their adrenaline going. Then, we cut the music and turned on a romantic slow song. Hundreds of couples spread across the auditorium, hugging each other tight, and swaying to the music. Some of them started to cry. Others held each other more tightly than they had in a LONG time. It was an amazing, magical experience. The reason this was such a powerful emotional experience for so many is that we tricked their physiology! Many of these couples showed up feeling a little bored in their relationships. Others were feeling “stuck.” A few even felt like they’d lost their mojo, or that the passion they once had had faded. When they all stood up and danced to the fast song, the music and the movement released endorphins into their brains. The very same kind of endorphins that they felt when they first fell in love. Then we had them hold each other close and dance to the slow song. And their brains released Oxytocin, the bonding chemical. We essentially simulated the physiological experience of falling in love. When I saw Tony Robbins speak a few weeks ago, he reminded me of the power we all have to alter our own physiology. If you’re in a bad mood… If you’re feeling resentful or angry… If you’re bored with life… If you’re feeling stuck, distant, or disconnected… Often times all it takes to change your mood is to change your physiology! Do some push-ups, take a dance break, go for a walk or a jog, lift your arms above your head and let out a primal scream, take 2 minutes and completely fill your lungs with every breath, take a cold shower… When you change your physiology, you change your emotions. When you change your emotions, you change your attitude and your choices. This is a POWERFUL tool that you can use to get unstuck in your marriage, and infuse it with passion and energy if it’s feeling lifeless. Has your physiological state been reflective of a funk you’ve been in lately? Try this principle out… alter your physiology, and see how it changes your attitude and your emotions! -Nate
I want to tell you about this thing my wife does that gets me completely addicted to loving her. It gets me to turn off my phone and help around the house, be more empathetic and emotionally supportive, kiss her passionately every day, and buy her flowers, pick up her favorite drink from the store, and write her love notes. Sounds pretty magical, right? Maybe even a little hard to believe? That’s what today’s podcast is all about. (You can listen to it here.) The best way to explain what she does is to quote Myron Golden, a speaker I heard at a conference last month. He asked the audience, “Why does anyone do anything?” The answer? “Because they feel like it.” When something feels good, we want to do more of it. Essentially, it all boils down to drugs. (The drugs in your brain, and the illicit kind as well.) The reason people do drugs is because it makes them feel good! Taking a substance like heroin, ecstasy, cocaine, or even alcohol releases a boat-load of reward chemicals into your brain, like serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine. I’m oversimplifying the brain science here, but essentially, when someone does drugs, the release of these brain-chemicals is so POWERFUL that they will do ANYTHING to experience more of it. They’ll stop eating. They’ll stop sleeping. They’ll even sabotage the relationships that mean the most to them. That’s how strong these reward chemicals in your brain are! But illegal drugs aren’t the only way you can get a hit of those reward chemicals. You get a similar hit from the reward-center of the brain when you accomplish a big goal, receive a compliment, serve someone selflessly, fall in love, or when you eat a really delicious meal. So… why do I help around the house, make an effort to be emotionally supportive, encourage my wife to spend time with her friends, buy her flowers, and kiss her passionately? I do those things because she is my drug dealer… My wife is really good at giving me what I need so that I actually crave investing in our relationship. She knows that if I do something she likes, and she can respond by releasing those reward chemicals, I’m gonna want to do more of that thing! She’s making me “addicted” to loving her. That’s #SCIENCE It’s crazy what happens when you know how to get your partner “addicted” to your marriage. How would you feel if your partner would give up anything to make sure they’re putting your marriage first? How would it be if they started looking forward to help you around the house without you even asking? What about if they started making decisions with regards to finances, or parenting, or in-laws based on the impact it could have on you? Now… think about what you could do to reward your partner for any effort towards those things, no matter how small. Give them a dose of those reward chemicals. Do this over time, and they’ll get addicted to loving you just like I’m addicted to loving my wife. -Nate P.S. Do you struggle with planning cool date nights? I recently put together something to help you out with this. If you go to , I’ll send you a date-plan every week for 5 weeks. Each plan includes activities, links to cool products, treats, and conversation-starters to make sure your dates are creative, fun, and awesome! Ya’ welcome. (Feel free to share this with your friends. The more awesome dates we can get people on, the better!)
Monica Tanner is the host of the "On The Brighter Side" podcast. She recently interviewed me for her , and it was a blast. Her passion for marriage is infectious, so I thought I'd have her on to tell you what she learned interviewing some of the top marriage experts around! Bonus? She's about to launch a 14-day "" You should check it out!
Pearson’s Law states: “When performance is measured, performance improves. When performance is measured and reported back, the rate of improvement accelerates.” We see people tracking, measuring, and improving their performance in business. We see it happening in sports. We even see it in government… although whether or not improvement accelerates is debatable. But why don’t we see it in marriage? Probably because it’s hard to measure marriage.
I just got back from the gym. Today’s workout was TOUGH. My legs are wobbly. My lungs are burning. I have sweat dripping down my back. And I’m THIRSTY! Sometimes I forget my water bottle when I go to they gym. I leave feeling like my mouth is a desert and my tongue is sandpaper. Have you ever felt that way? It’s like the only thing you can think of is how and where you’ll get the next drink of water. It’s a normal problem to have. Now, let’s suppose you came home and you told your partner, “Holy smokes, I’m so thirsty!” Then your partner responds by turning on the garden hose full blast and spraying you in the face while saying, “You need more water! Open your mouth, dang it! I’m trying to help you!” As your partner borderline waterboards you, you get angry. You resist the water and think, “This is so not helping!” Or let’s suppose you walk in the door, completely dehydrated and your partner rolls their eyes, pours themselves a glass of ice cold water and drinks it in front of you. “If you drank more water like me, you wouldn’t be so thirsty. You always do this to yourself. You’re never drinking enough water. It’s no wonder you’re always so thirsty. Drinking water is easy if you just put your mind to it… see? gulp AAAAAAAHHHHHH... Once again, not helpful. Not encouraging. This approach doesn’t help you feel less thirsty. It just makes you feel guilty… or that your partner is a jerk. Or what if you walk in the door 99.9% parched, and your partner has a tall pitcher of water in their hand, and an extra glass. You say, “Oh my gosh, that water looks amazing. I’m so thirsty.” And they respond, “You should be more prepared. You know after a workout you’ll be thirsty. Go find your own water. I’m sick of sharing mine with you.” They take a long draught while you lick your chapped lips. Ugh. These scenarios are making me even more thirsty! Here’s my point. Sometimes our partners suffer and struggle. They walk in the door and they hope for some relief. The way you offer your support or help them alleviate their suffering has a HUGE impact on the quality of your marriage. Sometimes rather than helping them get what they need, we turn on the firehose and overwhelm them with solutions. Before they even get a chance to express what they need, we’re slamming answers down their throats and emotionally suffocating them. Other times we punish them for struggling in the first place. We guilt them for allowing things to get to this point. We chastise them for not being smarter, or for not thinking ahead. We berate them for being thoughtless. And often times we become resentful. We abandon our partner to fend for themselves. We shut down. We create a barrier between us and our partner and leave them feeling lonely and overwhelmed in addition to “thirsty.” So what’s the alternative? How do you help your partner without making things worse? Here’s a great recipe: Step 1 - Be Empathetic Before you can help your partner solve a problem you must understand what the problem is and how they’re perceiving it. So, before you offer solutions ask questions like: This sounds really tough. How is this affecting you? What is your desired outcome? What have you tried? Then, listen for the answers. Repeat back what you hear so your partner knows you understand. Step 2 - Make an Offer Before just taking action, see if you can get your partner to ask for what would be the most helpful to them. Try some of these questions: Would you like some help? What can I do that would be the most helpful? Will you ask me if you need anything? I’m here for you. Step 3 - Show Up The last step is possibly the most important step for building a trusting, committed relationship. Show up the way you commit to show up. This proves you’re a dependable, reliable partner. It creates a bond of safety and security between partners to be able to count on each other when things are hard. Whenever you commit to do something for your partner, do everything you can to follow through. Next time your partner is struggling with something, make sure you’re not fire-hosing them, ignoring them, or hanging them out to dry. Be empathetic, supportive, and reliable. In what ways have you been less-than-helpful when trying to help your partner? What’s your go-go bad habit? How can you be better about supporting your partner? Leave your thoughts in the comments. I read every single one!
- You don’t know how to find a good therapist When you’re struggling in life with your mental health, with past trauma, or in your relationships, it’s normal to hear the advice, “You should go talk to someone.” The implication is that a therapist - any therapist can help. But searching for a good therapist is a lot like searching for a good doctor. You want to find someone who knows what they’re talking about. You wouldn’t go see a foot doctor if you had a sore throat. You’d be much better off seeing an ear, nose and throat specialist. Both are doctors, but only one has the knowledge and skill set to help you! Therapists are very similar. The very best therapists have a specialty. They’ve devoted the majority of their career helping a specific type of person navigate a specific type of problem. Not all therapists have experience working with couples. And not all couples therapists have experience helping people navigate sex issues, or betrayal in the relationship, or the unique challenges that come when you become empty-nesters. It’s important for you to find someone who has some experience helping people through what you are currently dealing with. But more importantly… A good therapist is someone you can relate to. One of the number one determining factors of whether or not you’ll get results from seeing a therapist is whether or not you get along with your therapist. (It’s called “Client-Therapist Fit.”) It matters whether or not your therapist “gets” you! And if you’re a couple looking for a therapist, it’s important that your therapist “gets” BOTH of you. It might take some time and research to find the right “fit.” Which brings me to my next point... 2. Not all therapists are created equal Ever had a really bad haircut? I once had a barber who cut my hair while he had the hiccups… you can guess how that turned out. Or maybe you‘ve had a Jiffy Lube experience like mine where the technician completely forgot to put the oil cap back on after my oil change. Not all barbers (or hair stylists) are created equal. Not all mechanics can be trusted to get the job done well. And not all therapists are good therapists. And not all therapists are honest therapists. Did you know a therapist doesn’t have to go through any formal training to call themselves a “couples therapist” or a “sex therapist”? There’s no title protection in the industry. So, it’s very possible that a therapist who spends the first 5 years of their career helping drug-addicted criminals as a Social Worker, or teenagers with eating disorders could wake up one morning and say, “You know what? I’m sick of this. I need a change. I’m going to start treating couples. I hear there’s good money in that.” Then they can get on their website, or their LinkedIn profile and update their title to “Couples Therapist,” and start seeing couples the next day. That’s shady. And it’s not uncommon. It’s important that you spend some time shopping around for a therapist before you commit to one. Try to get a handle on their education, how they’ve treated similar clients in the past. Ask yourself if you could see yourself spending hours hanging out with this person. A great way to find a good therapist is to ask a friend for a referral. If they love their therapist, and you love your friend, there’s a high likelihood that you’ll love their therapist too. 3. People wait 6 years too long to find a therapist Research shows that the average couple waits 6 years after experiencing a marriage problem that makes them unhappy before they seek outside help. Six. Years. If you broke your leg would you wait 6 years before going to the doctor? If you answered yes, you deserve a spanking. That’s NOT something to be proud of. One of the biggest reasons marriage therapy doesn’t work for so many couples is because they wait too long! They go to therapy only when they are in the midst of a crisis as a last-ditch effort to save their marriage from impending divorce. Marriage therapists aren’t miracle workers. I like the way my friend Maggie Reyes puts it: You can’t un-burn a pie! If you burn a pie, and then you think, “I’ll just take my pie to a professional pastry chef. They’ll be able to help me fix it!” You are going to be disappointed. Even the best pastry chef in the world cannot un-burn a pie. If your “pie” (marriage) is burned, you have to start over. And it’s your choice whether you start over with the same person, or not. If you’re experiencing consistent resentment, frustration, and unhappiness in your marriage right now, it’s an emergency. Do not wait 6 years! If you start looking for a good therapist when you really need one… you’re too late. Most couples divorce because they were unprepared to deal with the challenges that came their way. If you want to have an epic marriage that withstands the test of time, start building out your tool belt now! Find experts and educational resources you trust. Find a therapist you relate to in case you ever need them. Talk to your partner about how you’d like to handle issues if they were to ever come up. Need some help getting started? Subscribe to my podcast here.
Have you ever heard 3,000 people gasp at the same time? Back in September, I interviewed Drs. John and Julie Gottman in front of an audience of 3,000+ people. If you haven’t heard of them, what Michael Jordan is to basketball, they are to . About 30 minutes into the interview John Gottman dropped a serious truth bomb. Some new research he’s been doing has led to some findings that shocked the entire room. (.) John and his team were measuring stress hormones in the urine of young children. He found that kids with high levels of cortisol and adrenaline in their pee had parents that argued a lot. He then went on to explain that there’s research that shows that children as young as 3 months old experience higher blood pressure when their parents argue in front of them! “The kids are carrying around their parents’ conflict with one another.” If your marriage is struggling it literally HURTS your kids. Why do I share this with you? I promise I’m not trying to guilt you. I know that there's no such thing as a perfect marriage. Not even the Gottman’s have a perfect marriage. My hope in sharing this is to show you YOUR MARRIAGE ISN’T JUST ABOUT YOU! The quality of your marriage matters. It directly impacts the people around you more than you think! So, if your marriage is struggling… if you’re feeling lonely, resentful, or burned out… If you’re having regular arguments, you’re not affectionate towards each other, or you don’t feel like your marriage is THE priority to both you and your partner… It’s a BIG problem! I have no qualms in saying it's an emergency. If your marriage is not in a good place it is actively hurting you, hurting your partner, and it's hurting the people you love the most. That’s why I send out these emails! I want to show you the pathway to having a better marriage today than you did yesterday. Having an amazing marriage makes life so much better for everyone! I literally wake up every morning hoping to motivate you to treat your partner with more kindness and respect. To maintain healthy boundaries. To be the kind of partner that inspires the love of your life to be your best self. So take a few seconds right now (that’s all it takes) and think about your marriage. Is it as good as it could be? How could you make it better - like right now, today? If the emotions in your marriage right now were as contagious as the chicken pox, what would you be infecting the people around you with? Connection, purpose, respect, love, encouragement, and joy? Or something else like stress, anger, resentment, apathy, anger, or contempt…
Flinching is kind of a strange phenomenon. It’s not something you consciously do. It’s an instinct. Your brain forces you to pull away from the thing that could cause you pain. A hot stove, a pointy needle, or a ball flying at your face… It doesn’t matter what it is, if your brain senses it as a threat that could hurt you, it will do its best to protect you. Now, here’s something most people don’t know. Physical pain and emotional pain… they’re processed in many of the same areas of the brain. And your brain tries to protect you from both! You’ve probably noticed the emotional flinch. You pull away from people when they say or do things that hurt your feelings, or make you feel bad. You create a safe, emotional buffer between you and them so that you can avoid getting hurt again. Sometimes you get hurt over and over by the same person. They may not be big hurts… But when you add up lots and lots of little emotional flinches caused by little hurts over a long period of time, you end up with a grand-canyon-sized chasm between you and the person inflicting the pain. Ever hear of roommate syndrome? Maybe you’ve heard people say, “We just grew apart.”? This is how that happens. The only way to prevent it is to constantly repair the damage you do to your partner. Especially the small things. When you accidentally step on someone's toes in a crowd, you don’t tell them to get over it. You simply say, “Ooops! I’m sorry!” Accidentally hurting your partner’s feelings is no different. Apologizing doesn’t mean saying you are malicious. It doesn’t mean you did anything on purpose. It doesn’t even mean you’re wrong! Most of the time it’s about taking a little responsibility, and being willing to see things from their perspective. “I can see how my tone could have been hurtful.” “I totally get why you are upset that I didn’t come home on time.” “It makes sense why you’d be hurt by that comment, even though I definitely didn’t mean it to be hurtful. I’m sorry.” When you apologize to your partner for hurts that you cause them - whether intentional or unintentional - you are giving them the gift of emotional healing, and building trust and intimacy. If you’re feeling distant right now, maybe there are some things you need to apologize for. (Or things you need to forgive.) Try it out… see what a difference it makes.
I still remember the thrill of scoring my first soccer goal as a kid. I felt a rush of endorphins and surge of confidence (which I severely lacked as a kid) as my team rallied around me and cheered! I remember running down the field holding up 2 fingers. My parents were on their feet screaming at the top of their lungs. It was an amazing feeling. I was hooked. I loved every aspect of the game. I loved playing it, watching it, coaching it. I even had a Brazil national team poster and a Mia Hamm door poster hanging up in my bedroom. I think everyone has a game they love… Is yours a sport like soccer, volleyball, or basketball. Maybe you’re a hardcore board-gamer and you like staying up late at night playing Canasta, Pandemic, or Settlers of Catan (outlawed in our house because it always ends in a fight). Maybe you love playing video games, and your schtick is Lego Harry Potter, or Call of Duty… or Fortnite? (Please don’t let it be Fortnite.) Whatever your game is, take a minute and think about why you love it so much. Is it because it’s a great distraction from the stresses you’ve got going on in your life? Maybe it’s a fun way to connect with the people you love? Or are you one of those super-competitive people (like my wife) who simply loves the feeling of crushing your opponents? Now for the weird transitional question… What if marriage was your favorite game? If you’ve never thought of marriage as a game, you’re not alone. For most people, marriage feels like the complete opposite of a game… it feels like work. However, if you treat marriage like a game, it can change EVERYTHING for you. But you can’t play “marriage” like you play most of your favorite games. Winning at marriage requires you to shift your thinking. You see, there are two kinds of games: Finite games, and infinite games. Most of the games you know and love are finite games: They have known players (the people sitting around the table, playing on the field, or holding a controller that’s plugged in (sorry little brothers around the world holding unplugged controllers, you’re not a real player.) They have unchangeable rules that everyone needs to play by or the game breaks There is a clear end to the game, typically with a winner, and often… many losers. If you play the marriage game under the conditions of a finite game, you will likely end up competing against your spouse, blaming them for your failures, or treating them like your adversary. (This is something competitive people are particularly susceptible to doing.) This can lead to a marriage filled with resentment, loneliness, anger, and distrust. It might even result in divorce. If you want to play the marriage game successfully, you need to to approach it differently than you would a finite game. You have to treat it like an infinite game: In an infinite game, there are both known and unknown players The rules are flexible and can change at the players discretion The objective of the game isn’t to “win” but to keep the game going - and make it so enjoyable for the other players that they want to perpetuate the game as well The most important and meaningful games you will ever play in your life are infinite games, like parenting, friendship, business, and of course, marriage. If you can learn to succeed at playing an infinite game, it will bring you SO much more long-term satisfaction than winning any finite game. Succeeding at an infinite game means you’ve learned to cooperate with the other players to create an experience that everyone wants to participate in. And when you play the game together it gives you a sense of meaning, fulfillment, and joy. Better than the last game of Monopoly I played that made me want to flip the table and walk away. Here are some strategies to help you succeed at the infinite game of marriage: Have an Inspiring Vision: At the center of every successful infinite game is a vision or cause that inspires people to join up and contribute their time, energy, and resources. The vision can be something grandiose like “solve world hunger.” Or it can be something simple, like “Wake up every day feeling loved, cherished, and lucky to be married to your partner.” I recently did a whole podcast on the importance of having ideal or a goal that inspires you as part of the Marriage Ecosystem series. A good vision will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It is something you want badly enough that you’ll be willing to sacrifice and endure some pain to see it brought to pass. Now, think about your marriage… What’s your vision for it? What kind of marriage would inspire you, motivate you, and make you excited to sacrifice so it could become a reality? Does it involve traveling the world together? Or maybe retiring by age 40? Maybe it’s about leaving a legacy for your kids? For Ty and Terri, a huge piece of their marriage vision involved giving back to their community. They founded “The Hope Center for Kids” in Omaha, Nebraska. It’s a place where underserved kids and teenagers could go after school to get mentorship, help with homework, and have somewhere to play and make friends other than the gangs on the streets. Whatever that inspiring vision is, it’s up to you (and your partner) to create it, focus on it, and use it to motivate you, guide your choices, and keep you pointed in the right direction. Be the Visionary Leader: To play a successful infinite game, you need to have a leader. “To ask, “What’s best for me” is finite thinking. To ask, “What’s best for us” is infinite thinking.” -Simon Sinek A good leader is the person who paints a clear picture of the vision for the other players. They’re constantly reminding them, “This is why we’re playing the game.” And “This is why I want to play this game with you…” A great leader sees the value in the strengths of others… especially when they compliment the leaders weaknesses. They lead by praising the behaviors that lead to the outcomes they desire, rather than using fear, intimidation, or threats to get results. STORY HERE A good leader removes obstacles for the other players, and makes it easy for them to succeed. One of my favorite marriage quotes is by Dr. Terry Real. He says, “It’s your responsibility to give your partner everything they need in order to give you what you need.” For example, it’s not fair for me to get upset with my wife for being late to an important event unless I give her what she needs to be on time! That might include: Make sure she knows exactly when we need to leave, and why it’s important. (“We need to leave by 5:00 sharp, otherwise we’ll get stuck in rush hour traffic, and be 30 minutes late.) Making sure I give her enough advanced notice so she can get ready (Don’t tell her at 4:45… that’s setting her up to fail.) Asking her if there’s anything she’s got on her plate that would cause her to be late, and offering to help however I can (like picking up the dry cleaning so she can wear her favorite dress) Leaders help other team members succeed at playing the game. Allow for Vulnerability In order for players of an infinite game to want to play – especially over the long term – they need to feel safe to be themselves. You’d be surprised how many couples are held back because they are afraid to take off the masks they’re wearing. Whether it’s a literal mask, and you’re afraid to let your partner see you naked, or without makeup… Or whether it’s a metaphorical mask – maybe you feel like you always need to put on a happy face and pretend “everything is fine” even when it’s not. If you don’t feel like you’ll be accepted for being your true self in your relationship, there’s only close close you can get. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard say something like, “Our marriage would be SO much better if my partner would just ________.” Often times the thing they list is an inherent personality trait the their partner will likely never change. They don’t realize what they’re saying is, “Our marriage would be SO much better if my partner was somebody else.” That comment might make you laugh… or it might hit really close to home and make you cringe. When you allow for vulnerability in your marriage, you celebrate your differences rather than punishing each other for them You allow each other to take risks and make mistakes. You don’t make each other live in fear of retribution or retaliation if things don’t pan out perfectly, or if you don’t get your way. You accept your partner for exactly who they are, including their strengths and weaknesses. Choose a Worthy Adversary In a finite game, your adversary is meant to be defeated. There is a winner, and there is a loser. You want to be the winner. You want your adversary to be the loser. An infinite game is different. Your adversary is meant to be treated with respect. Your success or failure doesn’t have anything to do with your adversary’s success or failure. Your adversary is simply used as a mirror against which you can compare yourself in order to become aware of your weaknesses, shortcomings, and areas for growth. In marriage, your adversary should push you to improve. To be more kind, more thoughtful, more patient. To look for new ways to appreciate your partner or create spontaneity and surprise. In your infinite game, your worthy adversary pushes you harder than anyone else to become the best version of yourself in order to fulfill your just cause. Be Flexible With Your Game Plan One of the quickest paths to failure when playing an infinite game is to commit to a “fixed strategy.” If you think your marriage should follow a specific game plan - and anything that deviates from that plan is a failure - you are going to have a rough time. So many people approach life as a finite game with milestones that indicate whether they are winning or losing. This was mine: > Graduate high school at 18 > Graduate college in early 20’s > Get a great career > Get married in mid 20’s > Buy a house > Have babies in late 20’s and early 30’s… (At some point you may have envisioned a similar story for yourself.) Well guess what? MY LIFE DIDN’T HAPPEN THAT WAY! I’ve quit jobs, moved back in with my parents, started multiple businesses, I didn’t get married till my 30’s, I still don’t have kids… I’ve had to be flexible with my plan! When you’re unable to be flexible with your plan, you’ll self-destruct. I’ve seen it happen. People have complete meltdowns. They say, “My life isn’t supposed to look like this!” They miss all that is good in their life, because they can’t be flexible. They surrender their happiness to things outside their control. If you want to be happy in life and marriage, you have to be flexible. You have to adapt to whatever life throws at you, and be committed to make the best of it. That’s what it means to have a flexible game plan. Are You Ready to Play? There’s no game more enjoyable than an infinite game if you can learn to play it well. Your marriage is the ultimate infinite game. No other infinite game will bring you as much joy, fulfillment, happiness, peace, and contentment. How will your life change if you start treating your marriage like an infinite game? In what ways are you treating it like a finite game, and how is that holding you back? Let’s experiment in 2020 and see what happens if you treat your marriage like an infinite game… leave your ideas for how to be successful in the comments!
Over the last few weeks I’ve been laying the groundwork for the Growth Ecosystem - the 3 fundamental principles you need to have in place to achieve your goals over the long-term, and experience explosive growth in your life (and in your marriage): Have a goal that inspires and motivates you (just like plants strive towards the sun). Surround yourself with a supportive and nurturing community (just like plants use soil to hold them in place during rough weather). Develop a system of regular accountability you can rely on to facilitate your journey towards your goals (just like plants rely on a steady supply of water… or they die). After nearly a decade of interviewing, studying, and learning from the top marriage experts on the planet, the Growth Ecosystem is what I believe sets apart the most extraordinary marriages from the ones that fail. It’s not just about having a growth mindset! That’s only part of what you need to create a life you love. You are limited by your mindset if you don’t have an environment that will enable your growth. This idea of the Growth Ecosystem is at the foundation of everything I do here with the Growth Marriage. Every email send you, every course I create, every podcast episode I publish, every social media post I… uh… post… It’s all in service to this mission: Can I help you get closer to the life and marriage you want? Can I provide you with an encouraging and supportive community? Can I help hold you accountable so you can accelerate your growth? So, here’s 2 weird things about me… I think about my death a lot. I’m weirdly altruistic At the end of my life, I want to be remembered for being the guy who helped people have amazing marriages. I want that to be my contribution to the world. My legacy. That’s it. It’s literally what I think about every single day. With that context in mind, today’s podcast episode is about something special that I’ve been working on for quite a while with my good friend, Laura Heck. It’s called the Epic Wives Experiment. Here’s why I’m excited about it. Laura and I talk to wives who feel overwhelmed, burned-out, and lonely nearly every day. Maybe you can relate? (I don’t know about you, but when I got married, that’s not what I hoped my marriage would feel like.) Ultimately, here’s what we want for wives: We want you to feel cherished, loved and adored by your husband We want you to carry less of the emotional and mental load in your marriage We also want your marriage to feel fun, exciting, and flirty again Does that sound good? That’s exactly why we created the Epic Wives Experiment. We see so many wives spinning their wheels, trying to get more done in less time, carrying the bulk of the responsibility for the quality of their relationship on their shoulders… and frankly, they end up burned-out, tired, and resentful. We don’t want that for you. Most women do one of two things when they’re feeling burned-out: Some women put on their super-hero cape and take on all the responsibilities they wish they had help with… even if it means sacrificing themselves in the process. Then they guiltily complain about a husband who isn’t pulling his weight. The other group of women completely shut down. They turn off the physical and emotional intimacy in their marriage so they have the energy to do everything else. They pretend nothing is wrong, and accept this intimacy-free version of life as normal. I don’t know about you, but neither of those options sounds very fun to me. So Laura and I have spent months creating an alternative. We’ve put together a series of powerful experiments for you to conduct in your marriage that are designed to get you more love, connection, and support… all while putting in less time and effort. Regardless of whether you’ve been married for 7 months or 70 years, you’re going to wake up next to a partner who wants to contribute more around the house, free up your time, support you emotionally, and be excited about doing it! Maybe you’ll even start to reconnect with that flirty… (and dare I say seductive?) side of yourself that might have gone into hibernation for a while. So, here’s what you’re gonna get when you join us in this month-long experiment: First, every week for 4 weeks you’ll get a dynamite LIVE lesson developed by me and Laura. These lessons are jam-packed with the information and tools that most people would pay hundreds of dollars in coaching or therapy to get from us. Next, we’re giving you 3 powerful experiments to test on your partner every week. These experiments will help you discover new and effective ways to create positive shifts in your partner’s behavior. Third, we’re going to give you access to our Epic Wives Facebook group where we’ll be holding you accountable, answering any questions you might have, and celebrating your wins with you. (Do you see how we’re giving you every piece of the Growth Ecosystem here? An inspiring goal, a community, and a system of accountability.) Now, those are the things that everybody gets… but I like to over-deliver. So I want to throw in some cool bonuses for taking action today! One of them is a special 1-hour training at the end of this one-month experience. The training will teach you what you can do to become an expert at successfully having hard conversations with your partner. The goal is to help you resolve the challenges that once took you days to recover from in hours… or even minutes. If you take what you learn from this training, you will get so good at managing conflicts that your marriage will never go into crisis mode where you feel like you need to go to therapy to save it… or worse… talk about divorce. We’re also going to be giving away amazing prizes for those who are active in the Epic Wives Experiment… like gift certificates to cleaning services, subscriptions to Disney+, and massages. And we’re not going to charge you hundreds or even thousands of dollars that other people would have to pay to get this very same information through therapy or coaching! It’s only $39 bucks! That’s less than my wife spent on Christmas candles this year. (Our house smells like a pine forest.) Click here if you are in, and sign up. If you have more questions, click here, and you can read up on all the details, including the “Good Guy Guarantee.” (If you participate in the Epic Wives Experiment, and you’re not feeling less stressed, and more excited about your marriage by the end, I’ll just refund you 100% of your money. I’m that confident that you’ll have an amazing experience that I’ve assumed all the risk here.) This is how I get people results in their marriage. I create the environment for them to flourish, then invite them to come take the plunge. Let’s be honest, if you don’t participate, you’ll probably think back to this email around Valentines day in February and wonder how much better your marriage could have been if you’d just taken the plunge. Let’s set up 2020 to be the best year of your marriage so far! See you in the Epic Wives Community! (And if you’re a husband, I hope I see your wife in there.) -Nate
Over the last 3 weeks, I’ve been breaking down this new idea I call the Growth Ecosystem. The idea is that having a growth “mindset” is not enough to create change in your life. Most people can dig deep and make positive short-term changes to their lives — like sticking to a new health routine, writing a few chapters of that book you’ve had in your head, or strengthening that weak spot in your marriage. But if they’re not living in an environment that encourages those changes to stick, they fall off the bandwagon, old habits take over, and they find themselves right back where they began. Nothing feels worse than putting in a sincere effort to change your life for the better… and failing. Enter the Growth Ecosystem. Two episodes ago I talked about having a goal, or an ideal to strive for… just like a plant constantly strives for the sun. A good goal inspires you. It provides you with meaning and purpose. And as Victor Frankyl says, “A man with a why can overcome any how.” Your goals keep you focused. And when your purpose is clear and meaningful, the struggles that come between you and your goal become opportunities. Last week we talked about how your you absorb the beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors of the people you spend the most time with… just like a plant absorbs nutrients from the soil. Your community will also keep you firmly rooted in your values when the storms of life come along. But if your community isn’t a positive influence on you, these storms can was you away, and you can lose everything that’s important to you. The people you surround yourself with matter more than you know. Today I want to talk about the third (and last) part of the Growth Ecosystem. Can you guess what it is? You’re right! It’s the “Water.” In nature, water = life and growth. If plants can’t access a relatively steady supply of water, they dry up and die. Look at a desert, for example. Life is pretty sparse… until you stumble across an oasis. An oasis can be as simple as a little mud puddle. But around that mud puddle is life! Animals. Plants. EVERYTHING gathers around water. Without water, you whither up and die. Now, think of nearly any are of your life where you’ve experienced real, meaningful, and measurable growth. Maybe you were learning a musical instrument. Maybe you were learning a new skill or subject in school. Maybe you were excelling in a sport. What was the common denominator that contributed to that persistent, and maybe even explosive growth? Accountability! Think about it, if a professional athlete wants to get a slight edge on the competition, what do they do? They hire a coach to critique their game, find all the areas where they’re weak, and run them through persistent drills to strengthen their weaknesses. If you want your kid to learn a musical instrument, what do you do? You put them in a room with a much better musician! Someone who can show them the ropes, teach them new techniques, send them home to practice, then check in on their progress a few days later. Whether it’s a coach, a teacher, a boss, a therapist, or just a supportive friend, explosive growth occurs when someone (other than yourself) is holding you accountable! Now think about your marriage. Have you ever thought about implementing a system of accountability to help you create the most epic marriage possible? Most people haven’t. But the principle definitely holds true! That’s why therapy works for so many distressed couples. It has less to do with sitting down to talk about your “feelings” every week… and more to do with the fact that the therapist is holding you accountable every week to do the kind of things that make you a better partner. But therapy isn’t for everyone? Most people go see a therapist because their marriage (or their life) is in crisis. Odds are that’s not you. So, if you want to maximize your potential for growth, what’s your alternative? Here are some ideas for you: Find some marriage mentors. Ask a couple whose relationship you admire to meet with you once every few weeks or months. Tell them you want them to help you create an amazing marriage like theirs. Ask them for help navigating obstacles. Seek their counsel when you make big decisions. Marriage mentors are an amazing resource. Our marriage mentors are some of our best friends! (“We love you too, David and Gretchen.”) Hire a therapist or coach. Just like the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the best time to find a therapist or coach is when you don’t desperately need one. One of the first things my wife and I did when we got married was find a therapist we love and trust. We told her we wanted to use her as maintenance to help us navigate small issues before they became big problems. We love her, and every time we go in, she tells us she LOVES seeing us. Start, or find your own marriage group. Some churches have groups like this. I know several people who have cultivated a group of couples that get together on the regular to connect and have “real talk.” If you go this route, make sure you’re meeting with people who are willing to be vulnerable and share what’s going on in their life… and someone who will be an advocate of the relationship, and encourage you to be your best. (Remember the importance of your “soil.”) You might love these suggestions. Or maybe they won’t sound very doable for you... So, I want to give you one last way you can implement a system of accountability in your life. Laura Heck and I have been working on a really cool thing for you… if you’re a wife. (Don’t worry, dudes. We’ve got coming in the works for you as well.) It’s called the Epic Wives Experiment. Starting the first week of January, we’re going to be running a group of Epic Wives through a series of specially-designed experiments to see if we can get them huge results in a short amount of time. The most important aspect of this Experiment is that we’re going to be holding everyone accountable… and even motivating the women who participate every week with prizes like gift cards to cleaning services, massages, and more! I’ll tell you more about it tomorrow... but if you want to have a built-in system of accountability to start 2020 off with the kind of momentum that could make it the best month of your marriage EVER, then you should come join us! Now you have the most powerful framework I can give you. Just like a seed, when you put yourself into the Growth Ecosystem, success comes naturally and growth is inevitable. Your progress will increase, your potential will be unlocked. I hope you use this framework to create positive momentum in every area of your life… including your marriage. -Nate P.S. The Growth Ecosystem is something I developed with the help of my business partner, Kenton. The more we teach it, the more we get excited about it. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it so far. Has it unlocked any ideas for you? Are you excited to get back in the game and shoot for a big, hairy, audacious goal? Do you feel hope where you may not have felt it before? Reply to this email and let me know? I’d love to hear what learning about this framework has done for you.
Today’s podcast episode and accompanying blog post will make a lot more sense if you listen to to the past 2 episodes of the Growth Marriage Podcast first! In the first episode, I introduced the concept of the Growth Ecosystem. The idea is that a person (aka you), when placed in the right ecosystem, will grow and achieve their goals… just like a plant will grow when it’s placed in the ideal ecosystem. Have you ever attempted to unlock your potential by working towards a goal or making an improvement in your life... … and then you fell short after spending weeks or months gritting your teeth, and white-knuckling your way to progress? It’s probably because you weren’t in the right ecosystem! The desire was there. The motivation was there. But you lacked key elements in your environment to facilitate your success. Last week we talked about the first piece of the Growth Ecosystem. It’s all about having an ideal to strive for. A clear goal. A version of yourself or your life that’s better than who you are right now. When you have a clear goal, it gives your suffering meaning. It gives you direction and purpose in your life. And having a purpose gives you a reason to wake up in the morning. Just like the sun gives a plant energy, a clear purpose gives a person energy. Today, we’re going to talk about the 2nd piece of the Growth Ecosystem. Let’s jump back to the plant analogy. If you want your plant to grow, you need to put it in rich, fertile soil. The soil does 2 important things for the plant. First, it keeps the plant firmly rooted in place so it doesn’t get washed away when big storms come along with their violent winds and rushing water. Second, the soil provides vital nutrients that are essential for the plants growth via the plant’s root system. The 2nd piece of the Growth Ecosystem serves a very similar purpose for you. It’s your community! Ever hear that famous Jim Rohn quote? It’s one of my favorites… “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.” It’s crazy how true this is… Here’s the science behind it: There’s this psychological principle called Behavioral Contagion (which is a fancy way of saying that people copy the behaviors of the people they spend time with or pay attention to). Behavioral Contagion is responsible for all sorts of things things like , or a , to a line of nearly 400 people at Starbucks volunteering to A recent even found that if a close friend or family member has gone through a divorce, you’re 75% more likely to go through one yourself! You do the things that people around you do. There’s a great story of an eagle who was raised by chickens. She grew up clucking, walking around in the dirt, and pecking at the ground. She never even tried to fly… because, of course, chickens don’t fly. One day an eagle saw her while soaring through the sky. She landed nearby and said, “Hey! Why are you down here on the ground pecking at the ground when you could be flying high above the ground, dominating the sky?” The first eagle responded, “Cause I’m a chicken. Always have been. Always will be.” As Steve Maraboli says, “If you hang out with chickens, you're going to cluck; and if you hang out with eagles, you're going to fly.” A good community, just like a good soil, will keep you grounded and committed to our relationships and the things that are most important to us. Not only that, but you also “absorb” the values, attitudes, and behaviors of the people you spend time with… just like a plant absorbs nutrients in the soil, or the eagle absorbed the behaviors from being around chickens. If you want to be successful in your goals... If you want to get in shape... If you want to save money... If you want to travel the world... If you want to have an amazing marriage… You need to have a supportive, encouraging community who has your back, wants to see you succeed, and has similar goals and values as you! Are you surrounded by haters, criticizers, negative-Nancy’s, complainers, excuse-makers, lazy people, shortcut-takers? If so, the likelihood of you growing and accomplishing your goals, or unlocking your potential goes right into the toilet. Contaminate the soil and the plant dies. But, if you’re surrounded by encouragers, motivators, complimenters, hard workers, people who are honest, kind, and compassionate – and even people with amazing marriages – you unlock those powers within yourself! You are just like the eagle. Don’t hang out with the chickens, or you’ll never know how high you could have flown. Listen to today’s episode for more details on the Growth Ecosystem. (It’s embedded above.)
On last week’s podcast episode I told you that after interviewing hundreds of madly-in-love couples, and the world’s top marriage experts (like Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, or Drs. John and Julie Gottman from The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work), I pieced together a powerful, life-changing principle that nobody else is talking about. Yet, the most fulfilled couples on the planet are living this principle… most of the time without even knowing it… I call it The Growth Ecosystem. The idea is that if you want a seed to grow, all you need to do is put it in the right ecosystem: Give it access to sunlight Plant it in fertile soil Water it regularly That’s it. You could try out other strategies… You could try bribing the seed. You could try to convince it to grow by using persuasion or guilt-tripping. You could yell at it, or beg it to grow… But it will only grow when it’s in the right ecosystem. You are no different! Ever set your sights on a goal? You’re determined to make some improvement, or lasting change in your life? You grit your teeth, and you muster all your determination to white-knuckle your way to growth. … then a few days later (or weeks, if you’re lucky), you burn out, lose focus, and things go right back to the way they were before. And what I’ve found is that the reason most people (and most couples) don’t experience the growth they so deeply desire… The reason their untapped potential never gets fulfilled… Is that they are in the wrong ecosystem. Just like a plant needs can’t help but grow when they’re in the ideal ecosystem, humans will naturally unlock their potential without the white-knuckling, and tooth-clenching, if they’re simply placed in the right ecosystem! And just like the first part of the plant’s growth ecosystem is the sun, the first piece of human’s growth ecosystem is all about having an ideal to strive for. You can learn about why that’s important in today’s podcast (embedded above). What’s the goal or ideal you’re striving for? Leave a description of the version of yourself you’re trying to become in the comments! P.S. Wanna know what it’s like to LIVE in the Growth Ecosystem for a month? We’ve got a special experiment we’re setting up for WIVES ONLY! The goal is to give you a taste of how much better you can make your marriage with less effort on your part, simply by putting yourself in the richg ecosystem. if you want me to send you more details.
Whenever I go to a party and someone asks, “So, what do you do?” I smile and take a deep breath. “I help people have amazing marriages.” “Oh, so you’re a therapist?” they inevitably ask. “Nope! I have no desire to be a therapist. Thought about it for a while… even got accepted into some great programs. But therapy is not my thing.” “Oh… so… what do you do then?” It’s fun to see their reactions when I tell them that back in 2012 when I went on a cross-country road trip to discover the secrets of true love by interviewing the most blissfully in-love couples I could find. Some people look at me confused. “So… you’re… not a therapist?” Other people are immediately entranced. “Woah! That sounds amazing!” Then comes the inevitable question… “So… what’s the secret?! What did you learn? What do I need to know to have epic love?” For a long time I bounced between a bunch of super cliché answers. “Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.” “It’s more about how you handle your arguments than what you fight about, or how often.” “Be kind. The best marriages are based on a foundation of friendship.” “Learn to set and maintain boundaries and practice self-love. You can’t give if your cup is empty.” Don’t get me wrong… this is all great advice. But I never felt like any of these statements were an accurate summary of what I learned. I was hunting for “the” thing to share with people that would blow their minds. It wasn’t until the last few years that I really started to distill all that I’ve learned over the past several years into one powerful, relationship-transforming takeaway. But now I have it. I honestly believe that if couples truly wanted to feel a deep sense of connection, passion, playfulness, honest communication, deep trust (like they can trust their partner to be there for them in the darkest times of their life), equal partnership, kindness, compassion, and excitement… All they would have to do if adopt this one specific principle that I’ve distilled from tens of thousands of hours of learning from the top marriage experts in the world. Want to know what it is? You can find it in the first episode of the Growth Marriage Podcast. (I’ve rebranded The Loveumentary to Growth Marriage, and I thought this topic would be the perfect first episode to relaunch the podcast with a new format.) Click here to listen to the episode on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, or Google Podcasts. It’s pretty short… like 10 minutes long. After this episode where I introduce this special, secret principle, I’ll take the next 3-4 weeks and do a deep dive into it with my good friend and Certified Gottman Therapist, Laura Heck. I am 100% certain that if you listen and apply what you hear, it will change your life, and can transform your marriage in the VERY best ways. -Nate
On today's episode I sit down with Rachel Abrams, co-author of the new book "" with her husband, Doug, and the renowned Drs. John and Julie Gottman. In today's episode - among other things - we talk about the Conflict Date, and why it's Rachel's favorite date. You'll learn about all the wonderful benefits and treasures you can discover for your relationship when you approach conflict with the right tools and mindsets. It's a powerful episode!
Mort Fertel is the creator of , a relationship renewal system that’s been used by millions of people in marital crisis. He also authored the book On today's show we talk about some of the ways to get in your reps to build a healthy relationship. What are the things you can do to stay in shape, have good relationship nutrition, and keep your marriage strong and healthy.
Kyle Wright used to be a bartender, but now he's the cofounder of the with his wife, Rachel. Kyle just launched a new podcast called "Masculinity On The Rocks" which I'm REALLY excited about... especially since part 2 of this Double Podcast Relationship Extravaganza can be found on that very podcast. Make sure to check out Kyle and Rachel's that will help you find the right words when you need them the most.
When you're faced with a struggle, an obstacle, or a challenge, the easy choice is to say, "I don't know what to do." But what if "I don't know," didn't exist? What would you do then? In today's episode, Celeste Davis of talks to us about how we're SO much smarter than we think. If there's an area of your life that you want to be better, you probably have the answers. Her ideas of how to find those answers are brilliant!
Dr. Mark Chamberlain is a PhD in Psychology and specializes in helping couples go through the process of forgiveness, and navigate addiction. In today's episode we tackle some aspects of forgiveness that I've never considered before. Like the importance of holding grudges! (Yes, they're important. Listen to the episode for more.) And be sure to check out Mark's book, "."
Logan Ury is one of those people I could talk to for HOURS. She's a TED Resident, Author, and Dating Coach. She hosted the Modern Romance series at Google which featured guests like Esther Perel and Drs. John and Julie Gottman. And she's just a fascinating person to talk to. I hope you enjoy this conversation which is essentially two relationship nerds picking each others' brains regarding what makes some marriages work while others fail, how to choose a partner, whether we expect too much from our partners, the intersection of sex and spirituality, and TONS more. For more writing and research on all things dating and relationships, and subscribe to her newsletter for free .
I've been doing this marriage podcast for almost 7 years... and for 3 of them I've been married. And for some reason, I've never officially introduced you to my wife. No idea why. So in this episode you FINALLY get to meet Angilyn. And we're going to share with you one of the tools we use to keep our marriage healthy, thriving, and on-track. We call it the Relationship Inventory. You can call it whatever you want. I hope you enjoy getting a real personal look into our relationship.
"We just need better communication." "I just don't feel like I can trust him." "We need to do better at giving each other the benefit of the doubt." These are all symptoms of a relationship that doesn't have a strong foundation of . Create more safety, and these problems will resolve themselves. In today's episode we talk with Marriage Coach, Maggie Reyes about some practical ways you can create more emotional safety in your relationship.
Can you turn off your phone from 5:30 PM - 5:30 AM to make room for what's important? Can you say "no" to distractions so you can say "yes" to your priorities? Are you truly committed to epic love... or do you just tell yourself you are? Find out in today's episode.
John and Julie Gottman are the pioneers of relationship research. Their work has transformed the lives of millions of people all over the world. Yesterday, their new book Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love came out, and I thought today would be a great chance to re-broadcast their interview and encourage you to snag the book. I hope you enjoy this interview with 2 absolute legends.
What are boundaries? Why are they important? How can I connect more with people who will uplift and support me to create the most epic marriage on the planet? We talk about all that and more on this week's episode with Dr. John Townsend, author of the NYT Bestseller, "Boundaries."
Dale Reeves has worked over 1,500 cases as an interrogator, and has a 100% confession rate. He worked 2 cases where he had to return to his client and report, "The people I interviewed are not guilty." In both cases, the client came back to him and told him that the money/merchandise that was reported missing was due to error, and there was in fact, no crime at all. Dale is a master of interpersonal communication, and human relationships. He handles high-conflict, high-stress, high-emotion conversations every day. In this interview he'll talk about: Three things to NEVER do in a conversation if you want to create connection What he does to prepare for his interrogations that will help you see your partner/loved one in a completely different light, and change the way you engage with them in the conversation. How to GIVE your partner values and virtues they may not currently possess
When should you leave your relationship and when should you say? It's a touch subject, but we get into it today... and we talk about the lame excuse of "Staying together for the kids" that SO many people use to stay in terrible relationships and not work on them. It's a delicate subject to address, and it might ruffle some feathers, but it needed to be said.
In life, you get to choose between the pain of growth and the pain of staying the same. If you choose to stay the same, you repeat the same problems over and over and over again. Growth, on the other hand, comes with pain... but it also fulfillment and accomplishment. In today's episode you'll find out how something as simple as breathing can help you choose the right pain to live a fulfilling live and create an epic relationship.
The truth is, most people want marriage to be comfortable. Comfortable is easy. Comfortable is safe. Comfortable is predictable and doesn’t force us to confront scary things. When you change as a partner - when you truly commit to becoming a better version of yourself, and then follow through by taking action - things stop being so comfortable... and your partner might not like that.
What do you do if your friends (or your partner's friends) are having a negative effect on your relationship? How can you respond if they're bringing you down, talking bad about your partner, or marriage in general? Hopefully this episode is relevant and helpful if you’re in that situation.
Your partner roll’s their eyes at you, and sighs in exasperation. You feel a dagger of embarrassment and shame run through your heart. You are having a great day when suddenly your partner bursts through the door after a stressful day. You can tell they’re in a bad mood. They are short-tempered with you, and your stomach balls up in knots from the stress they brought into the room. Your partner says something that makes you feel like they’re intentionally targeting what they know to be one of your biggest insecurities, or sensitive subjects. You withdraw, shut down, and a sense of betrayal and sadness washes over you like an unexpected cold ocean wave. Things like this happen all the time in marriage. Sometimes they happen because our partner is being an inconsiderate turd. Other times we just take things out of context. So, how do you know when the pain you’re feeling is due to poor behavior that you should address with your partner, as opposed to when it’s a hypersensitivity that you need to address on your own by learning to self-soothe and give your partner the benefit of the doubt? Kyle Benson and I talk about learning to regulate your emotions and deal with stressful situations in this episode.
The Suzuki Method is an internationally recognized music curriculum that is very similar to the way we acquire language. Suzuki believed that even a toddler could learn to play the violin at a high level if the steps were small enough. In this episode, Georgia shows us how we can use the Suzuki Method to create epic relationships.
For the last 4 months, I've had my head down working hard on something BIG! Today, I introduce you to my buddy Kenton and the thing we've been working on that's going to lower the divorce rate and transform marriages. You're not going to want to miss this one!
The “M” word makes a lot of people uncomfortable. Historically, it’s wrapped up in a lot of morality, myth, taboo, and judgement. In this episode we talk about where that discomfort comes from, how to examine where you got your beliefs about masturbation, and provide you with some great questions you can ask to come to your own conclusions.
Pelvic floor health is KEY to your overall health including your sexual health. If you had a baby and you now struggle with incontinence, this episode is for you. If you want stronger orgasms, this episode is for you. If you don't know what a kegel is... or if you've been taught to isolate your kegel muscles, this episode is for you. I hope you learn a lot!
Nate Bailey started his career in the United States Army as a Platoon Leader in the Operation Iraqi Freedom. When he returned home from his service, he checked out of his marriage. It was tense, difficult and stressful. He knew if their marriage continued down this path, it would result in divorce, and he'd lose everything he cared about. So Nate changed his habits, his mentality, and eventually his marriage. This is his story...
After seeing a massive increase in the number of students coming to her with crushing shame, confusion, and dread around sex as a professor at Seattle Pacific University, got curious. Why the sudden influx of young people experiencing so much shame around sex?
We all have stories running through our heads that are holding us back, and keeping us from enjoying life. Here are some examples off the top of my head from my life and the lives of some people I know in my life: “If I stop being sad about losing the love of my life, it must mean our love wasn’t special. I have to hold onto the pain and mourn forever.” “If my kids suffer and I don’t suffer with them, it means I’m not a good parent.” “If she found out I look at porn, she’ll see me as a fraud, a liar, and a failure as a husband/father.” What happens if you let go of those stories? How would it change your life? How would it help you let go of worry and tap into wonder?
Everyone has patterns of behavior that cause breakdowns in their relationships. Maybe you constantly assume the worst if you don't have the whole story (She's running late... she's probably dead!). Maybe you have a tendency to overreact when a conflict involves a particular subject. Maybe you get defensive or shut down when things get tenuous. Or you pout when you don't get your way. Or you nag when things don't get done the way you want them. Or you give the silent treatment when you feel you're being treated unfairly. These kinds of behaviors are like love termites. They eat away at the foundation of your relationship over time until the whole thing collapses...
Sometimes when we're in pain, we focus more on controlling the outcome of a conflict than we are on staying true to our values. We forget that we can't control the behaviors, words, feelings, or thoughts of others, and so we really don't have any control over the outcome. In this episode, we talk about how to communicate in a way that stays in line with your values and prevents the stress of worrying about the outcome.
What does it mean about our relationship if we need therapy? What if the therapist tells us our issues are unfixable? Shouldn't we be able to fix this ourselves? What if we start going and our therapist just wants us to come back over and over again for years? How do we know when we don't need therapy anymore? Are they just going to make me talk about my feelings? How do we even figure out whether or not our struggles are worthy of a therapist?
We have never met a man or woman who didn’t have a fantasy. Whether it’s having your partner finding a babysitter, planning a date night and whisking you away or trying a new adventure in the bedroom—the spectrum of fantasy is a fun and powerful tool to incorporate into your relationship. You might be surprised at what you learn about the art and power of fantasy in a relationship whether you ever act on one or not.
Setema is not just a Super Bowl Champ. He's an entrepreneur, a high-end coach, a speaker, an author, and most importantly, he's an incredible husband and father. If you want to get a glimpse into what an extraordinary marriage can look like, this episode is for you.
Here are the questions we tackle today: "I feel like every since I have had my children my sex drive has gone out the window! Before children it was crazy and now it is mind-boggling to me how it has changed! What advice do you have to rekindle it?" & "I had to be on pelvic rest during the last 1/2 of my pregnancy. I often offered to take care of my husband sexually, but he only let me do it once. When I offered again, he said sex is something we do together and not just him receiving the pleasure...
When Kristin first approached me about doing an episode on lube, I was like, "Uh... won't that just be like a 30-second episode? Lube reduces friction. Done." "Nate, there's so much more to than that!" Boy, was she right! Lube in the United States is not regulated by the FDA. That means companies can put all sorts of stuff in their products that could do damage to your body. Many lubrications include chemicals that cause allergic reactions, that leave you with a rash, itchiness, sensitivity, overly-dry skin, or tingling, make you susceptible to cancer, eat away at the lining of your genitals, and worse... Learn why lube should be a staple in your sexual health toolbox, and visit the show notes for a list of the best lubricants you can get!
It's rare to meet a couple who lives as intentionally as Ashley and Nathan Logsdon. They're crystal clear about what's important to them, how they want to feel in their life and in their relationship, and what they need to do to create those feelings. Their life is extraordinary in large part because they've walked away from what the world thinks they SHOULD want and have chosen to pursue something entirely different... what they ACTUALLY want. In this episode, we talk about how Nathan and Ashley walked away from the American Dream to live a minimalist lifestyle traveling the country in an RV with their 3 daughters and dog. They also teach us a lot about communication, identifying our core values, and learning to live by those values. Check out more about their journey at 90dayfamilyroadtrip.com
Having a baby comes with some major gifts and some serious side effects. Today we're going to talk about what happens to your body and your libido after you pop out a human... and what to do if your body isn't responding the way you hoped and dreamed it would. Join The Loveumentary’s Season 3 hosts, Nate Bagley and Kristin Hodson (LCSW and AASECT certified sex therapist) as they talk about how you can create a fulfilling, exciting, and satisfying sex life… because you deserve it! We’re excited to have you join us and answer your questions. Sign up for Demystifying Desire with Early Bird Pricing: Get the notes and a free handout for this episode here: Get a free ebook from Kristin here: Got a question for one of us, or for a future episode? Submit it here: Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes: Follow The Loveumentary on Facebook: Contact Nate: nate@first7years.com Contact Kristin:
Orgasms can be tricky and elusive things to experience. Unless you understand the context and the circumstances that create a good orgasm, you can chase it and chase it and it will always remain just out of reach. On today's episode, Nate and Certified Sex Therapist, Kristin Hodson, talk about the female orgasm, and how to increase your capacity to achieve one. The episode is JAM PACKED with information. Listen closely to make sure you don't miss anything. And if you have questions, feel free to reach out to nate@first7years.com.
There are tons of reasons couples avoid talking about sex. In this - the first episode of an entire season of podcast episodes dedicated to sex - we’re going to talk about how to talk about the thing we don’t talk about. Join The Loveumentary’s Season 3 hosts, Nate Bagley and Kristin Hodson (LCSW and certified sex therapist) as they talk about how you can create a fulfilling, exciting, and satisfying sex life… because you deserve it! We’re excited to have you join us and answer your questions. Get the notes and a free handout for this episode here: Get a free ebook from Kristin here: Got a question for one of us, or for a future episode? Submit it here: Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes: Follow The Loveumentary on Facebook: Contact Nate: nate@first7years.com Contact Kristin:
Depression and mental health is something we are all affected by. We know so little about it, and there isn't a lot of help or resources that have proven to be effective across the board. The help, support, and resources that do exist are typically for the person suffering from mental illness, and not for the partner, which can leave the partner who isn't battling the illness feeling just as alone and helpless as the person who is. In this episode Seth and Kim give us a look into how they have navigated depression and mental health in their relationship. They'll tell you what works for them, and what doesn't. I hope you share this episode with someone who needs to hear it. Thanks for listening!
Vienna Pharaon is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She is one of the most talented relationship counselors I have had the pleasure of meeting. A lot of her teaching focuses on the narratives that we have in our heads about ourselves and those we love... and how those narratives are often not based entirely on reality. She teaches about how to change our personal story so that it empowers us to be great partners, and to create amazing love. I think you'll love this episode!
Aaron and April Jacob created Nurturing Marriage because they wanted to share with the world what makes relationships work, and what makes couples happy. Their website, NurturingMarriage.org is a fantastic resource to learn more about things like conflict management, navigating intimacy, and keeping the flame alive. I hope you check out their stuff, and I hope you love this episode!
It's easy to describe how to get a healthy body. You eat nutritious foods, you exercise regularly, and you avoid doing things that will cause long-term damage to your bones and muscles... But what's the emotional equivalent to healthy eating, working out, and taking care of yourself? Do you know how much your emotional baggage weighs? Do you know what daily workout routines you could be doing to manage your stress, depression or anxiety? In this episode we sit down with Laura Coe, author of Emotional Obesity and learn how to get in emotional shape! (Maybe this can be the new New Year's Resolution for us!)
Laurie Davis is a professional dating coach responsible for helping hundreds of people find true love. Thomas Edwards is a professional wingman in New York City, helping elite men find and date incredible women. How did I get them together on this podcast? Well... they're married. This episode is a great look into what the marriage of two professionals in the relationship world looks like. They share some great tips and tricks, and some fantastic stories about true love. I think you'll love it.
I live for episodes like this. Michelle Peterson shares with us what it looks like to create dreams together as a couple, and four different ways you can support your partner in their dreams: Emotional Support Esteem Support Informational Support Tangible Support (actions) It's interviews like this that show me incredible ways to level-up my relationship. I hope you learn a lot and feel the same!
In this episode, Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife sits down with me to talk about how a patriarchal view of sex can be really damaging to your relationship (and what it is in the first place), why it's important to take ownership of our own desires and our own sexuality, helpful tips for experiencing orgasm, and how awesome sex takes lots and lots of practice. Here are some of my favorite quotes: “Women have more sexual capacity then men do.” ______ Are you prepared to be married to an equal? (for men) Are you prepared to start taking responsibility and function like an equal? (for the women) Your sexual desires and interested need to be on par with a man. Many women are in a marriage thinking, “I’m here to follow. I’m here to yield. That’s how I express my goodness.” _______ "You’re upset that he doesn’t take your sexual desires seriously, but you don’t take your sexual desires seriously." _______ “When we won’t take care of ourselves, the fantasy is that somehow we’re being selfless and that this is blessing other people’s lives. But in reality, if you won’t manage yourself, you pressure everyone else to manage you… if you don’t take a hold of yourself and live a life you respect, you’ll suck the life out of everybody around you, which is very very selfish in the name of selflessness.” _______ In sex you’re always communicating who you are. _______ “The challenge of being human is that we’re so good at self deception. We’re so good at narrating our lives in the way that makes us comfortable. We’re good, they’re bad. I did everything I could, they didn’t do anything. And in reality we’re quite clueless about who we really are. People see us more clearly than we see ourselves. We’re much more readable to people than we want to believe.” One of the reasons Marriage is a divine institution is that you have someone institutionally there to give us feedback about our blindspots. _______ The truth will set you free… but first it really sucks.
Porn is a contraversial subject. It polarizes people. It gets people emotionally charged. It's also something that makes a lot of people uncomfortable to talk about. So, I'm taking one for the team! I'm going to have the conversation for you. In this episode Kristin and I talk about some important things: What is porn? Is there such a thing as Porn Addiction? Why is this such a contraversial thing? What is addiction, exactly? Why do people look at porn? If you or someone you know has a negative relationship with porn, how do you talk about it, and/or seek out help and support? A lot of myths about porn will be busted in this conversation. I hope you listen to it, learn from it, and share it with people who might need it! I love you, Nate
Join us as we talk to Rahul and Sarah about their amazingly authentic and loving relationship. Here are some of the things we talk about: Every night they end their evening by look each other in the eyes and saying, "I like you and I love you." How they dealt with Rahul's faith change (to atheism). Being cheerleaders for each other's dreams and goals. Rahul's admiration for Sarah, and the example she is for their daughter, and Sarah's respect for Rahul's efforts to be an amazing dad. What I loved most about Rahul and Sarah is their overwhelming kindness, devotion to their friendship, and their desire to take on each other's dreams and support them however they can. We can all learn something from them.
A lot of people profess to have great relationship and marriage advice... but few people give advice based on decades of longitudinal research. John Gottman has been studying couples, how they interact with each other, the physiology of the body when they are under duress, the facial expressions they make when in arguments, the tone of voice and words they choose to use when communicating with each other... and the list goes on. The Gottman's are fiercely committed to only providing science-based counsel to couples and therapists. In this interview I talk with the Gottman's about trust, kindness, taking responsibility, and creating a healthy, passionate marriage. Please leave a review on iTunes if you found it useful!
David and Gretchen are one of the most phenomenal couples I've ever met. They have a mission statement for their marriage. They try to get every person they meet one step closer to achieving their goals. How cool is that?! They also gave me some of the most compelling marriage advice I've ever heard from anyone. I think you'll like it. I hope you enjoy this episode, and that it inspires you to be a little kinder, and love a little more deeply.
Nate sits down to talk with David York to talk about values and how they can make or break your relationship. How to determine what your values are. And why they're so freaking important and powerful. You'll love it. I promise.
In this episode, Nate sits down with Cherie (from last week's episode) in a more professional setting.
In this episode, Nate and Melissa sit down with Lexie and Lune. Remember...True Love exists, you just have to listen.
In this episode, Nate and Melissa sit down with Michelle and Rich. Remember...True Love exists, you just have to listen.
In this episode, Nate and Melissa sit down with Mike and Becky. Remember...True Love exists, you just have to listen.
In this episode, Nate and Melissa sit down with Sung and Christina. Remember...True Love exists, you just have to listen.
I hope you enjoy today’s amazing conversation with Don and Jan Gibson. Their love story is the stuff of legends.
On this week’s episode, Melissa and I sit down with Dr. Ali Binazir, author of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible and several other books. He's a super insightful guy, and we cover a lot of different topics in this interview including: The 5 Principles of the Tao of Dating The Principle of Abundance Don't think scarcity Be. Do. Have. Be the kind of person. Do the kind of things. Have what you want. Enlightened Self-Interest Good decision making = The decision that serves the most amount of people for the longest amount of time. How do you fill your life with the things and people that will have positive long-term effects on you. Yin Yang You must have polarity in your relationships. Masculine and feminine. Giving and receiving. Different roles are essential to a dynamic relationship. Get Out of Your Own Way Often times the only thing standing in the way of what you want is you. The power women have to bring light into a relationship, act as a goddess, and inspire men. By mentally wishing happiness upon others, you can completely change your neurology. "May you be happy." The gift of appreciation and gratitude will make others feel valued and give you power in your relationships. The men determine the direction of the relationship. The women determine the depth. How meditation will transform your life and your relationships. "Bring your mind back from distraction." The destructive notion of Soulmates. A great way to tell whether or not you're a good fit for the person you're with is to notice what kind of person you become when you're around the other person. The Magic Question - What's important to you about that? "Remember that in life, everything that you want is outside of your comfort zone. Because if something is inside your comfort zone, it's either something you already have or something so trivial as to be undesirable: you don't want something you already have. So in order to get what you want but don't yet have, you have no choice but to venture outside of your comfort zone." -Dr. Ali Binazir
On this week's episode, we finish our conversation with Steve and Natalie from the 'burbs of Chicago. - What do you do to keep the love alive after having kids? - What advice would you give to people who want to have a relationship like yours? -"Go in with the mindset that you are not #1 anymore." -Natalie - Taking a leap of faith. "The bigger the promise, the bigger the leap." -Melissa Joy Kong - Loving people needs to become a habit, or a default. If love always has to be a conscious act, it's unsustainable. - Can divorce be an option? If so, what are the grounds for divorce? - "I don't believe in marriage for the sake of marriage. I believe in loving." -Steve What separates an average marriage from an amazing marriage?
On today's episode, Melissa and I sit down with Natalie and Steve of the suburbs of Chicago. We talk about their courtship, how it ended in breakup, then they got back together, then almost broke up again. We learn about why their belief in God is essential to the type of marriage they enjoy. And we talk a lot about trust and taking risks, and a lot of other awesome stuff like: - Blind dates - Favorite things - Dating so long you get to the point where you either get married or break up. - Sometimes the relationships that don't work prepare you for, and lead you to the one that does. - Learning to trust after you've had your heart broken. - Using the Bible's definition of love as the foundation for marriage.
In part 2 we wrap up last week's conversation with Jim and Cindy Wigdahl. Jim and Cindy have been friends for over 30 years, but have only been married for 4 or 5 years. Their story is amazing and sad and full of hope all at the same time. It will open your heart. I hope you love it.
In this week’s episode we sit down with Jim and Cindy Wigdahl. Jim and Cindy have been friends for over 30 years, but have only been married for 4 or 5 years. Their story is amazing and sad and full of hope all at the same time. It will open your heart. I hope you love it.
In this conversation, we discuss: -Love at first sight. -The importance and meaningfulness of the "little things." -Managing finances and overcoming debt. -Marriage rituals. -Living your faith inside your marriage. -Marriage takes work every day... want to know what that work looks like? Good. We talk about it here. -Love will find you when you're least expecting it.
Jackson Dunn with Focus on the Family talks about how busyness is the enemy to love, and how you can measure the quality of a man by the radiance of his wife.
Listen as Tom and Beth describe how they have been able to create such a beautiful and simple love despite having to overcome many of life's trials, including merging families, traveling for work, losing pets, and much more.
Some of the most powerful lessons I've learned as I've interviewed hundreds of couples have come from some of the least common relationships. This interview was no exception. You'll quickly see the deep, abiding, and unique love that can be created even if you don't date before marriage. Here are 5 lessons I took away from interviewing Iskara and Baldev. Don't just read them... apply them. It could transform your relationship: http://loveumentary.com/5-important-relationship-lessons-you-can-learn-from-an-arranged-marriage
On a scale from 1-10, how is your love life? Many people, maybe even most people will answer between a 6 and 8. I'd say a solid 7 would be considered acceptable, livable, and even relatively enjoyable for most people. Liz and Ryan are my kind of people. They decided that there is no place in their life for a mere 7/10. And so, they started their project, Amazing Life Together. Together they are talking to experts, interviewing real couples, and opening up the kimono to share their own story on their journey to a 10/10 relationship. Read the full blog here: http://loveumentary.com/episode-43-amazing-life-together-with-liz-and-ryan
Buy Seth's book, "Marriage Isn't For You" here: http://goo.gl/wFSZlR Buy the full interview here, and support the Anasazi Foundation and The Loveumentary: http://goo.gl/XopAZ2 "When you’re looking for solutions, they have odd ways of making themselves appear.” -Seth "You never lose by loving. You never lose out by choosing to love somebody else." -Kim "You live when you give.” -Seth "To love is always going to be the right decision.” -Seth “The more you understand someone, the more you love them.” -Seth
I grew up playing sports. Ever since I was a kid I played soccer, basketball, ran track, and one season of little league baseball (which is how I found out I desperately needed glasses. Thanks for realizing that the reason I missed every ball was because I couldn’t see it, Mr. Davis!). My favorite sport was always soccer. When I played recreation soccer my team would practice once – maybe twice a week if we were lucky. I wasn’t a great player until I became a teenager and decided that I wanted to play on the high school team. I started practicing more frequently. I’d dribble and shoot the ball in the back yard, and practice using my left foot. I joined a competitive soccer league and played with a bunch of guys who played at a much higher level than I did. It pushed me outside my comfort zone, and helped me grow. Then I tried out for the high school team. By some miracle I snuck under the bar and made the team. It was immediately obvious that I was out of my comfort zone. I was smaller, in worse shape, and had less experience than almost everyone on the team. I was nervous, but I decided to just show up every day and put in the work. I’ve never improved so quickly. Being thrown onto a team where everyone was so much better, and expected me to be better, did wonders for my soccer skills. We practiced every day for hours. I got in shape. I learned skills like how to use my body to gain position, or how to time my runs to be the first one to the ball. I learned how to shoot with more power, and how to read the field and predict the best place to put the ball. Every noticeable improvement in my skills over the years could really be traced back to the frequency, the level of intensity, and the intentionality of my practice. You see where this is going, don’t you? When talking with Hank and Sueann, Hank mentioned something that has always stayed with me. He said, In relationships, we practice at the level of the league we end up playing for. In other words, if you always want to be playing in the relationship little leagues, it requires little effort. It’s not hard to swipe right on tinder, or find casual hookups every few weeks. It’s easy to walk away from something when it gets hard. It’s easy to find excuses to not invest every day. On the other hand, there are only a few people in the world who get to experience the World Series kind of love… but they’re the ones who . They push themselves every day to be better. They work to push their partners to grow and improve. They watch each others backs and pick up each others slack without complaining. They swing for the fences when they’re up to bat, and sprint to every base. There are no vacations. There are no days off. And they love it. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to want to play in the little leagues… but playing at this level, you’ll never know the glory of the world series. If you want that can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of love, you have to be willing to put in the practice. What are some of the things you do regularly to put in the practice? What can you do to elevate your game?
All the experiences that we have in our life - good, bad, neutral - they all turn us into who we are. So if you take those away, you aren’t going to be the same person.
"Your relationship could be so much easier if you just stopped expecting the other person to be who you are.” -Bradford "If you’re trying to get into an open, honest relationship, it has to start with you. You be open and honest in your dealings with everyone. It shouldn’t start with the person you’re attracted to. It should start with your everyday life." -Kendall
The price of sex has dropped from, in our grandmother’s generation, it was probably a year of dating, in my generation it was 3 dates. We had a thing called the 3-date Rule in the 80’s. Now the price of sex has dropped down to the barrel-bottom price of one well-worded text. What it takes to grow a long term bond isn’t sex. It’s everything else! It’s communication skills, conflict resolution skills, empathy, compassion. It’s really hard to develop those when your brain is being assaulted with a dopamine rush not unlike the one you get from heroine that you get from a new sexual relationship. Men can have sex with the same woman every week for 6 months and not like her any more after 6 months than they did on the first day. Just because you're having sex, doesn't mean you're in love.
Valentines Day Surprise! - Gary Chapman (Author of "The 5 Love Languages") For 24 hours you can listen to, download, and enjoy this one hour interview with Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages. Sorry the sound quality is a little rough... my bad. -Nate
Forgiveness isn’t fair. If somebody really hurt you, you don’t want to let them off the hook because what they did was wrong. And if you have a high sense of justice, you think “I can’t, because it’s not fair.” He hasn’t suffered enough. He hasn’t paid for his wrongs enough. And sometimes he hasn’t even admitted he’s wrong and said, “forgive me.” But it’s not dependent on any of that. It’s a choice that you make. "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies." -Anne Graham
Favorite quote from this episode: You become what the most important person in your life thinks that you are. “At the end of Ty’s life, I want him to be able to say, 'Terri was the greatest earthly blessing in my life - the best thing that ever happened to me - and that I’m a better man because of how she loved me. And that’s the goal that I live with every day. That’s how I want to love this man.'"
Jay and Lara have been together for over 20 years. We met with them on Jay's 49th birthday. They took us into their home, fed us, and gave us beds to sleep in. Last year Jay retired early so he could take time to reconnect with his wife. So now they're selling their house, buying an RV, and they're going to spend a decade exploring the world, and experiencing adventure.
What does it take to have an amazing relationship? What does it take to not only avoid a disaster, but to rise above the mediocrity and complacency that has infected most modern-day relationships? Here are two tips from Jenna McCarthy that will help you elevate your game. Click here to read the blog post for this episode: http://www.loveumentary.com/episode-34-you-get-what-you-settle-for-with-jenna-mccarthy/
6 Intimacy Skills to Transform Your Relationship Self Care – In any relationship, you are responsible for your own happiness. If you rely on others to fill your self-worth tank, you’ll inevitably end up stranded on the side of the highway of life, broken down, frustrated, and alone. Rather than relying on others to fill up that love tank, take initiative and fill it up yourself. This means you must love yourself, not just with words, but with actions.Make a list of things that fill you with joy, energy, and happiness then do those things every day. Make them a priority. Whether it’s sitting down to enjoy a cup of coffee, calling an old friend, writing in your journal, meditation or yoga, reading out of a good book, or some intense exercise, make a commitment to do the stuff you love religiously… make it as big of a priority as brushing your teeth – which you do regularly (I hope). Relinquish Inappropriate Control – Did you know that something as simple as telling a man he’s doing something wrong – even when well-intentioned – can be incredibly emasculating? As a man, I feel a sense of pride when I can provide, protect, or otherwise take care of those that I love. Often times, correcting things (especially small things), make us feel like we can’t do anything right. It’s easy to feel defeated, incompetent, and worthless when you can’t even dress yourself, or clean a mirror properly.Sure, many of you may say that I’m being over-sensitive. We men just need to “pony up” and “be a man” when it comes to taking criticism. Well, as a man, I’m telling you from the bottom of my heart: If you want more intimacy in your relationship, think before you speak. Your words can fill us up with courage, open us up to vulnerability, and give us the courage to slay dragons… or they can strip us of our confidence. The ball is in your court. Receive Graciously - When a man gives you something, whether it’s a gift, a compliment, or some form of help, he’s reaching out in an attempt to connect. It’s a display of his love and care. A rejection or dismissal of his effort to bond with you are not only a rejection of the offer itself, but a rejection of his attempt to connect, and subsequently a rejection of him.Rather than play the “not good enough” card, thank him and tell him how much you appreciate him… because he thinks you’re good enough, and sometimes that’s all that matters. Respect – For this skill, I quote Mrs. Doyle herself. Her words are just too perfect: “Lack of respect causes more divorces than cheating does because for men, respect is like oxygen. They need it more than sex. Respect means that you don’t dismiss, criticize, contradict or try to teach him anything. Of course he won’t do things the same way you do; for that, you could have just married yourself. But with your respect, he will once again do the things that amazed and delighted you to begin with — so much so that you married him.” Gratitude – Good men don’t do kind things with the expectation of thanks, but honestly, nothing is sexier than a woman who regularly expresses gratitude… especially for the things that you don’t expect them to be grateful for. When a woman expresses appreciation for something I did for them, it makes me feel like $1 million. It makes me want to do more nice things more often.Cultivating a habit of expressing gratitude every day will also put you in a mindset of looking for the very best things. When you see and recognize the best in a man, he will rise to the occasion, and become the best version of himself. Your gratitude has the ability to unlock hidden reserves of potential, intimacy, and overwhelming love. Vulnerability - A truly intimate and trusting relationship requires vulnerability at its very core. Getting naked emotionally with someone often requires a lot more of that trust than getting naked physically with them. Being vulnerable requires honesty and assertiveness, and responsibility. Merely expressing how we feel is now vulnerability. Rather than nagging or criticizing, state your desires. “I feel lonely,” is far more vulnerable than “You never come home on time.” “I miss you so much,” is far more vulnerable than, “When was the last time you took me on a date?”Striving to come to the table palms-open to express your feelings and your needs is courageous… and this approach not only avoids putting men on the defensive, but encourages them to do what they love doing most: step up to the plate and make their women happy. Most of us do not realize how much individual power we possess to influence, change, and improve our relationships. We get stuck in the tedium of the day-to-day. We forget that little things can make an enormous difference. I hope you have the courage to give these 6 tips a try in your relationship… especially if you see it suffering.
One of the reasons Kiran and MeiMei have one of the most beautiful relationships I’ve ever witnessed is that they have both failed. Not only have they failed, but they’ve failed big! They have put their hearts on the line, and swung for the fences only to be met with rejection, or disappointment, or a big old strike-out. What they so desperately dreamed and wanted did not unfold the way they had envisioned. And yet, these big failures did not break them. Kiran and MeiMei choose to use their failures as catalysts for growth and learning. But using failure as an asset is not easy! It requires crazy amounts of courage, because failure is scary! It’s this irrational fear of failure that most often stands in the way of our ability to fully live our lives and love others without reservation.
Patience: The Art Of Being OK Not Getting What You Want When You Want It I remember that feeling I experienced when I had to wait for each Harry Potter book to be released. For months, and even sometimes years, I’d be left on pins and needles, wondering what was next, who would die, and how Harry would defeat Voldemort. Kids now-a-days who get to read through the whole series without having to wait don’t understand the months of anxiety and speculation and drama that preceded the release of each book, and the overwhelming joy that ensued when I finally got my greedy little hands on a copy. I experience similar feelings recently when I got introduced to Breaking Bad. It had been a long time since I had to count down months, then weeks, then days until the big finale. The waiting was almost torturous. I’d find a way to bring the series up in conversation at nearly any opportunity, and when people didn’t know what I was talking about, I’d try to convert them. Harry Potter and Walter Wight… They have taught me the virtue of patience. Or at least that’s what I thought. It wasn’t until I met Roger and Judy that I realized the “patience” I exercised while waiting for cookies to bake in the oven is just a drop in the bucket compared to what is often required to experience a deeply loving and satisfying relationship… the kind of relationship that some people only dream of. When What You Want Means Waiting… Roger and Judy met in a very small town where everybody knew nearly everybody else. One day he walked into a hotel, and saw this beautiful woman with amazing legs answer the phone, and he was sold. He knew they had to be together. Over the next few months as they became fast friends, feelings began to develop. They wanted to be together, but Judy was already married. Her husband – a helicopter pilot – had been sent off to the Vietnam War and was proclaimed Missing in Action after he was shot down behind enemy lines. The military informed Judy that it was highly unlikely that anyone would survive a crash of that nature, but until they were certain, they could not proclaim her husband as Killed in Action. Their friendship grew as Judy overcame the hardship of losing her husband, and Roger patiently acted as a friend and support to her. Even when feelings began to develop between them, they exercised patience, and did not disrespect the vows Judy had made with her missing husband. Over a year later, Judy received confirmation that her husband had, in fact, been killed in action, which allowed for Roger and Judy’s relationship began to progress into something more serious. Roger attributes this time of healing, and waiting, and building a solid, steady friendship as essential to creating a the strong, stable foundation their relationship now rests on. The care and love they developed for each other ran incredibly deep before they were ever romantically involved with each other. Their willingness to be patient added a whole new depth and dynamic to their relationship. Sometimes You Get What You Want… Just Not The Way You Planned After getting married, Roger and Judy wanted to have children. It wasn’t long before they found out that they couldn’t have kids on their own. Anyone who has struggled with this can attest to the fact that it is maximum suckitude. It can take a toll on a relationship. When people get married, nobody plans to not be able to make babies. It’s not something you can anticipate. The realization can make a person feel empty and hollow. It can be incredibly overwhelming, emotional, and discouraging. But rather than lose hope, Roger and Judy decided to try for adoption. They filed their paperwork and began the familiar process of waiting. They waited for weeks. Then months. Then a year. They prayed. They hoped. They leaned on each other for strength. They practiced patience until their patience ran out… and then they practiced some more. Then, the call came, and they welcomed their first child into their home. In a matter of years they had 3 more children, all adopted, and all incredibly loved. What does it mean?! I guess the point of all this is that life just doesn’t often work the way we expect it to. The plans we make for ourselves are often foiled by serendipity and happenstance. Our biggest struggles and unexpected challenges can lead us to our most satisfying victories. The longest waits often result in the greatest payoff. So, if there’s something you’re fighting for, or working for, or wishing for… hang in there. Be patient. Keep focusing on that goal. But don’t forget to check your peripheral vision. Sometimes the answers we’re most ready for aren’t exactly where we expect them to appear.
Alicia and Peter were such a joy to sit down with and interview. Nate and I laughed so hard the entire time. That’s the thing about incredible couples: when you’re around them, you cannot help but feel more energized, alive, and joyful. It was clear from the way they gazed at one another and laughed together that they were completely comfortable being fully themselves around the other person. In essence, they brought out the best, most authentic versions of each other. That was the first lesson Peter and Alicia taught us: You know you’ve found a great partner when you can be completely yourself around the other person. This includes not just the positive range of feelings, but also the freedom to be messy, neurotic, and hurting. You’re with your partner more than just about anyone else- and the only person you’re with more is yourself. So, choose someone who embraces and catalyzes your fullest self. This isn’t to say every second is perfect and you should never feel negative feelings in the presence of your partner. It just means you get through them more gracefully, because you feel like you have a teammate rather than an opponent. The second lesson we learned from these two: “Don’t be weird.” Just be yourself. If someone doesn’t like you for the person you really are, they aren’t for you. You don’t need to do the robot. It also means you have to like yourself, though. Are you happy being you? How do people feel when they are around you? How others tend to feel around you a self reflection of the kind of person you are to others and how much you love yourself. Don’t be weird about being your true self- even if your true self is super weird. And the third great takeaway from Peter and Alicia: “People put too much emphasis on things that aren’t important, and too little emphasis on things that are.” – Peter Make sure you’re clear about and proud of your priorities. What’s important in a relationship? What’s really a big deal, and what isn’t worth fighting over? Communicate clearly about how you feel, and be honest with your partner. That honesty, when coming from a loving, well-intentioned place, will make you stronger as a couple. Why? Because there’s nothing quite like having a partner you can go through life with, knowing he or she accepts you, even for the things you’re embarrassed to admit or afraid to share. That honesty equates to an undeniable freedom, and thus, a deeper love than you could ever imagine. Thanks, Alicia and Peter, for the great interview- and for making us laugh for over an hour straight!
Do you want your marriage to be rewarding, and happy for over 70 years? Reed and Allene have done exactly that. I believe their relationship has lasted so long, and been so amazing because they have stuck to some incredibly effective and simple (though not always easy) values throughout the entirety of their relationship. Here are a few things you should do if you want your marriage to last as long as theirs: Always Speak Kindly Of Each Other When Allene was younger, she had a speech impediment. Even though we can all admit that it’s wrong to tease people for a stutter, or mispronouncing their “R’s,” we’ve probably all thought about it. (Ok, I’ve definitely thought about it.) But Reed’s number one priority was always to make Allene feel good about herself. He never made fun of her for the way she spoke. He was always supportive and encouraging. “We make it a point to always speak kindly of each other.” They don’t gossip about each other. They don’t call names, or say hurtful things. They know words carry weight, and you can’t take them back. After 70 years of kindness, and compliments, it’s no wonder they get along so well. Help Each Other Be At Their Best When Reed got the lead for South Pacific at the university he was attending, Allene said, “Aw, crap!” She knew this meant she that she had to sit in the audience and watch her husband kiss another woman… and do it convincingly. Rather than hold a grudge, or discourage him from pursuing his goals, she decided to help him be the best Emile de Becque that ever was. She helped him rehearse lines, understood when he had to stay late for rehearsals, and attended every performance. His success was more important than her discomfort. The tables were turned later in their marriage when Allene was asked to be the president of a local women’s organization for her church. Her leadership role meant she would spend many hours and late nights worrying about, serving, and visiting the women in her congregation. It was a big investment of her time and attention. Rather than complain that his wife was away, or criticize her decision to take on so much responsibility in addition to raising their 7 children, Reed supported her, counseled her, and stayed up late to wait up for her when she was out dealing with unexpected situations. When we help other people achieve their goals and become their best selves, we do not lose anything. We gain everything. When Things Get Tough, Get To Work! At one point in their relationship, Reed and Allene opened a jewelry shop. The shop was robbed several times, and they struggled to pay their debts. Rather than complaining about their circumstances, blaming each other, or asking for a bailout, they went to work. They encouraged each other, took any opportunity that came along, and conquered their challenges head on… together. When things get hard, don’t run away from each other, or push each other away. Instead lean on each other, and support one another. Kiss Get in the habit of showing your significant other how much you love them through physical affection. Hug them. Touch them. Hold their hands. Kiss them on the mouth. It’s so easy to let physical intimacy grow stale. If you’re feeling like things are getting dull, surprise someone with a bit of unexpected (and tender) physical touch and see what happens.
Imagine how it would feel to have the most important person in your life suddenly torn away from you without explanation. You are forced to sit and watch your soulmate deteriorate piece by piece as they slip out of your life. You hope and pray every day for a miracle… for just one more day together, one more kiss, one more smile, one more look of affection. Meanwhile, couples all around you choose to give up, throw in the towel, and abandon their relationships when all you want is one more day, one more minute with your true love. The unfairness is almost too cruel to comprehend. Heidi lost her husband, Benji, to cancer one month ago at the young age of 32. During that time, they learned to live in the moment, making the best of every day they had together. Fighting and arguing was a waste of time. During their marriage, the most serious disagreements Benji and Heidi ever had came were a result of differences of opinion on how to spend the money, or Heidi getting after Benji for being messy. Looking back, Heidi says she’d give anything to have to clean up after him again. Life is so incredibly fragile. We never know when the things or people most important to us will slip through our fingers. Here is my challenge to you: If there is something that is a source of contention in your relationship today – be it with your spouse, a friend, a parent, or a sibling – ask yourself, “If I were to wake up tomorrow and this person had been taken from me, would this issue matter at all?” Let go of petty differences. Admit you’re wrong, even if you don’t feel you’re wrong. Say you’re sorry. Fighting and arguing are a waste of time in this short life. Now go out and tell someone you love them.
Most of us monogamous folks have hefty assumptions about plural marriage. Particularly in the case of polygyny (when a man is married to more than one wife), these descriptions aren’t uncommon: Misogynistic. Exploitive. Unethical. Ungodly. Distasteful. Selfish. Sexist. But, how much do you know about it, really? How many of us have actually ever interacted with a polygamous family? (And, no, watching Big Love doesn’t count). Growing up, polygamy was a concept semi-grasped intellectually, but I had no observational understanding of it. In doing my research to prepare for this interview, I came across this very interesting statistic: Globally, in a survey of 1,231 societies, only 186 were monogamous. Among the rest, 588 had frequent polygyny, 453 had occasional polygyny, and 4 practiced polyandry (when one woman is married to more than one husband at a time). (Source: Ethnographic Atlas) …That means only about 15% of societies are monogamous. This statistic alone raises a plethora of questions: Is polygamy the human tendency? Is monogamy the reason for our high rate of divorce in America? Are the reasons for polygamy around the world primarily economic? What does the Bible have to say about all of this? Is it more unnatural to be married to multiple people…or to one? There are so many more, and this interview only covers the very tip of the iceberg. But, what I can tell you about my experience during the interview is this: The Darger family had some of the most interesting things to say about love and marriage. Any assumptions I had going into it completely melted away within moments of sitting down with them. We were greeted with open arms and hearts. The husband, Joe Darger, said, “I feel undeserving of these three women.” The wives, while admitting to struggles with jealousy, seemed to love not just their husband—but also one another. I listened to the pitter patter of their children’s happy feet in the background (they have 26 kids in total, with 16 still living with them), and felt their warmth toward one another. Polygamy is, perhaps, uncommon and frowned upon by most Americans. But, it is also misunderstood. While my heart still desires a loving, monogamous relationship, I now have a deeper understanding of polygamy—and why some people choose it. No matter what your stance on the topic, give this podcast a listen. If you take away from it what I did, you’ll come out of this episode with an appreciation of people who love differently than you—and a richer knowledge of what it means to love big, communicate well, and honor the commitment of marriage.
Religions Preach Virtue… But Do They Do It Right? Most religions throughout the world ask their members to follow a model of sexual purity. The rules and consequences vary in their intensity from church to church, but I believe the overall intention is typically good and pure. However, anything – including good things – if taken to an extreme can be damaging. Self-confidence if taken to an extreme can become self-absorption. An optimist can quickly become unrealistic. Loyalty can become blindness. Honesty can become rudeness. Courage can become recklessness. Virtue and chastity, if taken to an extreme, also possess a dark side. When sexual purity is celebrated, sexuality tends to become demonized. Sex, and even feelings of pleasure, begin to be associated with extreme feelings of guilt and shame. People develop a fear of their own bodies. Misperceptions of Virtue = Bad Sex Unintentionally, we create a culture of unhealthy sexual beings. Religious individuals get married and are so scared of sexual arousal that they don’t have sex for weeks or even months. Or, when they do have sex, it’s associated with guilt and feelings of evil and darkness. Many couples never have good, enjoyable sex because they never explored their own bodies to understand what makes them feel good. Nor do they feel they have a right to feel good. Sexual pleasure has been portrayed as something evil. How sad that something so beautiful, and intimate – when taken to an extreme – can tear an otherwise healthy relationship apart. What Sex Should Be Sex should be something that brings couples together. It is the ultimate act of unity. It is foundation of the creation of family, and the most physical manifestation of love and vulnerability. Good sex requires work, communication, openness, selflessness, and a willingness to be in the moment and experience pleasure. If religious-types want to raise informed and sexually healthy individuals (which I believe most do), it might be time to reframe some of the ways we teach virtue and chastity. The following is a great start, developed by Kristin Hodson and Alisha Worthington, the guests on today’s podcast. If you want to learn more about the BE HEALTHY process, and hear a bit more about how to find a healthy sexual balance for yourself, check out the podcast (at the top of the screen). BE HEALTHY Balance intimacy (physical, spiritual, emotional, sexual – pyramid) Embrace your growth edge (based on trust and Risk not safety) Have realistic expectations on range of experiences (how sex is like dining, good enough sex) Engaging your partner (being deliberate, increase the eros, flirt, desire to desire) Authenticity (be present in your sex—emotions, sensations – wanting to known and be known as you/they are) Learn how your body works and your partners (this also includes knowing your sexual history) Take time and treat it like a skill (schedule it – make it matter) Have conversation and negotiate You know best (sexual agent – trust your experience, not looking to other sources to be experts on you)
What Is Addiction? Whenever I hear the word “Addiction” I think of a junkie in the back of a dark alley shooting up, or an angry, violent husband who beats his wife, or a college student blacked out in a puddle of his own vomit. And yes, addiction is all those things… but it’s not solely confined to those extremes. Addiction is a much more intricate, widespread, and personal issue than it is often portrayed. Essentially an addiction is an unnatural compulsion or dependency on a substance or action. One of the most widely-accepted myths regarding addiction is that it functions like a light switch. You’re not addicted until you cross some ambiguous moral line, and then suddenly you find yourself on an episode of “Intervention.” Suddenly, you’re addicted. Addiction is not binary. It is spectral. Just like cancer, addiction can be mild or very extreme. The right treatment depends on the severity in each individual case. Addiction is not always debilitating. You can be addicted to alcohol without blacking out in a bathroom stall every weekend. You can be addicted to porn and only consume it once every few weeks. You can even be addicted to love, or kindness if you’re using it as an emotional escape, or a coping mechanism to avoid your reality. (Don’t believe me? Listen to the podcast above.) Addiction Is A Disease Addiction is a disease of the mind just like diabetes or cancer is a disease of the body. All too often, those affected by addiction see it as a harmful decision that just needs to be stopped with the simple choice to “not do it anymore.” It’s similar to blaming a cancer patient for not wearing sun screen. At this point, you can’t un-choose something. You have the disease. The only cure is proper treatment. The best way to deal with addiction is to avoid blame and accusation. Instead, we need to promote education, empathy, love, and understanding. Otherwise, addiction will terrorize our relationships, and leave them an empty shell of what they had the potential to become. Twelve-step programs are an amazing resource for those with addictions and those people who are affected by addicts. Addiction affects us all.. and together is the only way we’ll overcome it.
Holy crap we’re talking about porn! Yup, Porn… that thing that so many of us quietly indulge in behind closed and locked doors. That thing that causes the hyper-conservatives to recoil in fear. That thing that causes religious leaders and mothers alike to shudder at its very mention. For many people, porn has become as much a part of every day life as a regular bowel movement. We sit in a darkened room staring at a screen, clicking a mouse, opening dozens of tabs. Buffering… buffering… buffering… Always on the lookout for that perfect scene. Watching for something new and exciting. Envisioning the ultimate erotic fantasy. People say looking at porn is completely normal. It isn’t hurting anyone. I’ve been one of those people. I’ve been the lonely, depressed, or just plain horny guy who just needed a safe and private sexual outlet. I’ve been the guy who said, “I can stop looking at porn when I find a girlfriend or get married. No problem.” I’ve been the guy who felt insecure, helpless, lonely and ashamed. I’ve felt unwanted because, as I’ve heard over and over and over in one way or another in my life, “Who would ever want to be with someone who looks at that disgusting stuff?” There are countless people who feel stuck. They’re hooked and they don’t even know it. Their only escape from porn is more porn. Thousands of wrecked relationships that are living proof that porn can be devastating to love. Nobody sits down to dinner with friends and says with a twinkle in their eye, “You know what? Me and porn, we have such a great thing going. I’m just really happy with our relationship. I think we’re really going places.” We have a problem. It’s time to fix it. And to fix it, we need to be willing to talk about it and learn about it.
Jeff and Kelly are two of my best friends. They were in town last week and hinted that they’d love to be interviewed for the podcast. I’m so glad I got to interview them. One of my favorite moments in this conversation comes towards the end of the conversation. I asked the couple what they were looking forward to in the next 50 years of marriage. The entire conversation to that point had been dedicated to what they had learn, done, and accomplished together. I could see that the question took them a little off-guard. After a moment of contemplation, Jeff looked at me and said that what he was looking forward to most was helping his wife fulfill her dreams. The first several years of their marriage had revolved so much around his goals… grad school, moving around the country pursuing several different jobs, working long hours, etc. His desire is to make the next chapter about her. I love this for two reasons. It shows that a relationship requires both parties to be sensitive not only to each others needs… but their desires. When was the last time you asked the person you loved what big goals they hope to achieve? More importantly, what did you do to help them do it? It shows how important it is to grow together as a couple. If one person is consuming all of the resources and emotional energy of the couple, they are not growing together. If you are not sharing the big responsibilities of your relationship… at least a little (see: Jeff not being recognized by his kids then making it a priority to be home to help put the kids to bed) the relationship suffers. I love Jeff and Kelly, and I hope you enjoy their episode. (Sorry I montaged the first 2 minutes, Jeff. I couldn’t help it.)
A man's wife undergoes brain surgery and emerges a completely different woman. (Her personality was altered.) Find out why he has chosen to stay with her for the last 30 years regardless of her becoming a completely different person than the one he married.
I recently sat down and had a chat with Maurice Millett. Maurice was married for 54 years. He got married to his sweetheart, Diane, when he was 19. He was so young that his mom had to sign off on the marriage paperwork for him. Recently, Diane passed away, and I asked him to share some of his experiences from his 50-plus years in a happy partnership. He was kind enough to oblige, and we had a pretty long conversation. I’ve cut it down a bit for time and focused on sharing his most relevant relationship advice with you all. Maurice and his wife were both raised as a Mormon (or member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) and raised his children as very active members of the church. It is very evident in the stories he shares that religion was a big part… if not the biggest part of their lives. To give you an idea of how their relationship was, take a look at the poem below. I copied it (with permission, of course) from a huge binder full of love poems that Maurice has written through their years together. It’s obvious that he loved Diane 100%. And in this interview, it’s apparent that she loved him 100%. This is the type of love I aspire to, and a story we can all learn something from. Summer, Winter, Good Times, Bad – Here’s how I see the life we’ve had. I’ve loved each and every year since you became my bride. I love how you’ve supported me in everything I’ve tried. I love you in the morning, I love you every night. I love you even when Im’ wrong, I love you when you’re right. I love you when you’re happy. I love you when you’re sad. I love it when I know that I have somehow made you glad. I love your kind and generous heart. I love how much you care. I love my safe and welcome home. I love knowing you are there. I love you gave yourself to me without my even proposin’. I love the children you have borne. I love those that we’ve chosen. I love the greatest grandkids that any two could know. I love our years together as we have watched them grow. I loved you when we both were young, I love you now we’re old. My youthful love was silver, now, my love is gold. -Maurice Millett
The Loveumentary has been a project in my mind for a long time. For years, actually. And over the years, the project has taken many shapes in my brain. It evolved and changed and morphed. With each new iteration in my brain, I got closer to launching this idea to the world. The day after I published my first episode, I had a few close friends reach out to me and tell me how much they loved the episode. And then they gave me ideas. Feedback. Pointers. Advice. This was my project until I shared it. Now it’s not mine anymore. It’s ours. For the past few months, I’ve grown. A lot. I’ve grown emotionally as I’ve learned truths about myself through these real, honest conversations. I’ve grown in my ability to record and produce a podcast. I’ve grown as an interviewer, an artist, and a creator. What I didn’t realize until having this conversation with Devin and Julia, is that all of this growth can only be attributed to you. Seriously. I can’t be my best self in life (or create the best version of The Loveumentary) alone. I need others to share their perspective, their experience, their knowledge, and their encouragement to help me see and experience things that I would not otherwise have the capacity to see. A good partnership accelerates and encourages growth and progress. We cannot be at our best selves alone. Part of a truly loving relationship… at its core, is the ability to see your partner as presently perfect, but to hold a future vision. This conversation helped me realize that what I’m truly yearning for is to creating my life with someone who sees me and encourages me to live to my greatest potential. It’s like finding a co-founder for life. This concept is the most appealing and compelling reason for me to look forward a relationship than I ever could have dreamed of. Commitment scares the bejeezus out of me (which is another post for another day), but the way Julia and Devin painted this picture, they lit a fire in my heart, and a desire to find a partnership like they have. I hope they inspire you as much as they inspired me. Big thanks to them for inviting me into their home, feeding me amazing food, and being phenomenal hosts and friends. This episode is just so so good! GAH!
Wherein four bachelors talk about love… a topic on which we are definitely not experts. We cover why it’s important to know what you want and who you are before you can really fall in love. We talk about the simplicity of the concept of love, and how complicated it gets when you involve people. We crack jokes, get deep, and revel in awkward silences.
Vegor and Errin are two of my favorite humans on the planet. They are hilarious, and quirky, and not ashamed to be themselves… which is why they are such a perfect match for each other. In this episode, Errin and Vegor talk about the importance of being with someone who “gets” you. Someone who can be your best friend. Someone who understands and loves the way you see the world. I’ve spent many hours with Vegor and Errin, and it’s so refreshing and entertaining to experience their friendship. They’re like a well-practiced comedy duo full of pop culture references, dripping sarcasm, and kind-heartedness. Errin and Vegor also struggled with infertility for many years. Listening to the story of the time, effort, and pain they went through add their little daughter to their family was both touching and heart-wrenching. It’s interesting to see how each couple in this series has their own unique struggle to overcome. Their own challenges to face. Each struggle is unique, and can only be overcome by two people coming together in mutual support for one another. It’s a beautiful thing to face struggles with someone you love by your side.
Just a quick heads up, there are a few swears in this episode, and there is also light discussion around the idea that most romantic couples have sex. So if you don’t like either of those things, this episode may not be for you. This episode with MeiMei and Kiran was recorded at The Bold Academy. The Bold Academy is the reason I’ve been MIA for so long recently… well, that and the holidays and a slight lack of motivation. This episode is a little different than past episodes because it was recorded in a classroom setting with 20 or so people in the room. So it’s more of a discussion led by MeiMei and Kiran. MeiMei and Kiran are two amazing people. They are even more amazing together. You’ll love hearing their love story… and you’ll love even more hearing about how they keep their love alive. We also talk about when is the right time to leave a relationship, whether or not monogamy is a natural human tendency, open relationships, and a lot of other fun stuff! Hope you enjoy.
Neil and A. Rae have been through a lot. And when I say, “a lot,” it’s not an understatement. I daresay they’ve been through just about everything you can imagine… and they’ve made it out alive, and with smiles on their faces. The most touching moments in this podcast, for me, are when Neil and A. Rae talk about losing their son, and how it transformed their lives, and when Neil talks about how mistaken he was to believe that the single life is/was better than married life. Talking to A. Rae and Neil made me realize that I have a tendency to give up too easily on things that are important. True love is worth fighting for. It’s worth enduring misery, and heartache. It’s worth forgiving and learning and struggling together. Without the struggles, the mistakes, and the fight, love is weak… and it may not even be love at all.
When I first set up this interview through Alisa, I was excited to see what the marriage of a marriage therapist and dating coach would look like. I didn’t know their backstory, their current situation, or even Eric’s name for that matter. But I had heard a lot of what Alisa teaches, and I liked it. I was curious if putting her tactics into practice in a marriage would pay off. I figured the best way to find out was to talk to her and see. After spending well over an hour with them, I can tell you from my experience that it works. Although they are busy working and raising a family (Eric works as a fire fighter and running a business on the side, while Alisa acts as a marriage and relationship therapist and dating coach), their worlds are centered around each other. They have made an effort to understand each others love languages. They are kind and giving towards each other. They have fun together. They are still a couple, not just two separate individuals legally bonded together and living under the same roof. Eric and Alisa are a perfect example of what I would love to have in a relationship one day. I hope you enjoy their hilarious stories, and learn as much as I did from this conversation.
Cole, my cousin, and JaCee have been married for 9 years, and have three amazing kids. They were in town last weekend for the holidays visiting the family. I got to spend an entire day with their little family, and we had a blast playing games, reading stories, and catching up. After they left, I was talking to my Mom and she said, “They’d be perfect for your podcast, wouldn’t they?” It was like she’d taken the words out of my brain. I tracked them down, and this interview is the result. What really impressed me with Cole and JaCee is how important their faith is to the success of their relationship. On the outside the have the image of this idealistic, perfect family. After talking to them, though, I realized that every couple – no matter how happy, how strong, or how perfect they are for each other – has their own struggles and challenges. In this interview, we talk about how faith and trust in one another is vital to a relationship, how JaCee and Cole deal with going long periods of time without seeing each other, and how they’ve battled pornography as a team, and how that battle has brought them closer together. Their love is a fairytale kind of love… but only because they make it that way. Love is an investment. You can only get something out of it if you put something into it.
On my way to visit Tommy and Jason in Salt Lake this week, I turned on my Beatles mix on my ipod. Right as I pulled off the freeway exit for their home, the song “All You Need is Love” came on. It played right until I pulled up to their doorstep. It was the perfect beginning to a fantastic interview. Tommy and Jason have been together for almost 4 years. Unlike Torben and Marissa from last week who have tons of things in common with each other, Tommy and Jason have fundamentally different personalities and interests. But as you’ll hear in the interview, these differences have really helped to bring them closer together, and to understand themselves and individuals in a more complete way. In this interview, we cover the importance of continuous love and support, the ability to be vulnerable. We talk about the struggles a couple can face when family isn’t fully supportive of your relationship choices, and how the state of limerence (or Twitterpation, as some call it) can be addicting, and prevent us from ever fully experiencing the fulfillment of investing in a long-term relationship. If you want to be part of The Loveumentary, or you know someone who might, please drop me a line here. The same goes for if you have any ideas or suggestions on how to make the podcast better. Here’s a link to the intro and outro music for the podcast in case you want to check it out. If you like this podcast, it would mean a lot to me if you’d share it with your friends. Love you all!
Torben and Marissa are a pair of documentary filmmakers , jazz-music lovers, and insightful question-answerers. During our near-hour conversation together, we talked openly about the importance of honesty and vulnerability, and why it’s so hard to have those two things in a relationship. They enlighten me on why a relationship (the right relationship) will actually help you grow and experience more, not less. We ponder on gender roles and traditions. And we discuss the interesting concept of power dynamics in a relationship… specifically why Marissa’s healthy dose of “unimpressed” is what really helped Torben fall head-over-heels for her. The first time Torben and Marissa met, they ended up having a long and meaningful conversation. It was obvious that they had a connection. In a sense, they just “clicked.” But that feeling of meant-to-be can put a lot of pressure on a relationship. It can create an expectation that things always have to be angel giggles and unicorn kisses as Torben explains: Having an amazing connection comes in tandem with the fear of losing it. And so that makes you behave in a lot of odd ways… at first we we were both experiencing it separately, and we thought that we were the only ones experiencing it. And almost as if we were to say it out loud, it would represent the ruin of our relationship. And at some point, that became the very thing that empowered the relationship, was talking about it. Talking about the good and the bad. One of my favorite parts of our conversation was listening to Marissa and Torben explain how they had to stop forcing themselves into roles that weren’t natural or a good fit for them. They had to invent their own way to be happy in their relationship, and that meant throwing out some of the ideas of what they previously thought it meant to be married. When we first got married, we both had inherited certain ideas about what marriage looked like. What I was supposed to do. What she was supposed to do. Different gender roles. I was out dutifully working 2 jobs and going to school full time. Marissa felt like the pressure of keeping the house clean rested solely on her shoulders. We had to throw that out because it wasn’t working for us. That’s not who we are. We were unhappy trying to fulfill roles – trying to will them into being – when that’s not who we are. I hope you enjoy this podcast as much as I did. I really appreciated how thoughtful and deliberate each answer was. It has helped me shift my paradigm. I have spent days mulling over the things I learned about how many of my own ideas of what I want in a relationship or even a partner might be completely wrong. Every day we get a chance to create the relationships and memories we want in our lives. The question is, “Are we willing to have the hard conversations, say no to the things that don’t feel right, and love the people closest to us so that we can create that life for ourselves?”
Chandler and Candace have been married for 6 months, but I have no doubt their marriage will last a lifetime if they keep doing what they’re doing. They understand that love is an investment. You must give something up… and sometimes the sacrifice is painful, but the return is unmeasurable. Talking to these guys helped me realize that a true friendship built on trust and communication is far more important than mere physical attraction. One day, our looks will fade, our bodies will deteriorate, and our minds will start to go… when that day comes, I can’t imagine anything better than having my best friend at my side. I hope you love this episode. It was so much fun to record. Apologies for any wonky audio levels. I’m obviously still learning what the heck I’m doing.
Meeting with John and Hailey was a bunch of fun. They are fantastic human beings, and together make a fantastic couple. The day we did this interview was their 3-year anniversary from the day they first met. I don’t think they’ve ever looked back since. The thing that I took away from chatting with these two is the importance that trust and understanding are in a relationship. It’s not true love when you only love the good parts of someone. You have to love them in their entirety… warts and all.And likewise, to be loved, we must be willing to put it all out on the line. If we hold back and hide parts of ourselves from those we love, it’s a sign of distrust. One day I hope to have the type of vulnerability and trust in a relationship that I know John and Hailey have. I admire their bravery, their selflessness, and over all, their love for each other.