So You're Getting Married?: Recent Episodes
Tavershima Ayede
This show offers personal perspectives to brides and wives, and grooms and guys on things to consider before walking down the aisle... as well as some lessons that will endure before and after the wedding ceremony! Hosted by Nigerian, abuja-based wedding photographer Tavershima George Ayede.
I started the podcast to see how I could elevate the level of discourse around the topics of marriage, family life and relationships... all borne out of my past experiences as a kid, as well as my current adventures as a wedding photographer who is constantly around occassions of life and love. Unfortunately the journey will have to come to an end for now until I resolve issues around hosting of the podcast. Fear not! I’ll be back on the airwaves soon, and when I do, y’all should be hearing from me again.
It’s often assumed by modern couples that traditional ceremonies are the least important of the three 1. Civil/ registry marriages 2. Church unions 3. Traditional marriages. They’re all important and have distinct characters and purposes. Civil ceremonies invite the state The recognize and lend it’s power of enforcement to the union. The Church makes the marriage sacramental and makes it a sign and a source of God’s grace, while the traditional wedding is the starting point and the most natural form of marriage where the communities come together to assent and witness the start of a new family.
From the inception of the podcast up until now, we have been exploring ways that couples can either save money on the wedding or reduce the scope of the wedding to the bare minimum to make sure that we get married safely on the coronavirus restrictions. After that we took a detour to explain what some of the key requirements are for getting married under traditional law and customs. Now that we are done with exploring these issues, we should be moving on to some more interesting and juicy topics for the next season. Be sure to keep an eye out for interview episodes where I interview past clients of mine and my wife will be making a guest appearance every now and then! I look forward to hanging out some more with you guys in the future! Cheers!
When we are getting married to people from other tribes, there is the matter of a different palettes across different cultures. This also happens where you’re getting married to someone of the same tribe as well! It is not something to be afraid of or avoided, because they often descend into matters of good ribbing and jokes between in-laws.
Merriment and “jolification” aren’t formally necessary for a valid traditional marriage to take place. However! Families of good and proper standing usually make sure their guests are “taken care of” and would host with appropriate traditional cuisines.
Even though the traditional proceedings have a community element to it, a lot of the validity for “modern” village weddings stem from the personal assent from the couples. The drama surrounding this can be varied and drawn out, but we should all take this in good jest. The whole community wants to be sure that the couple is entering into this with eyes wide open.
We do so because even though we’ve undertaken a communal covenant, the actual responsibility for living out the marriage “day to day” is an individual one. We have to be absolutely sure that the “children” know who they intend to marry and are doing so willingly of their own accord.
It’s a wonderful thing when we find love in the service and pursuits of God. We also have to be careful to be sure no ethical and spiritual lines are crossed when dating in the church.
Even though a covenant/ bride price has been exchanged with the “main part” of the family, smaller appeasements have to be made here and there (in good jest) in recognition of the fact that the bride is part of a larger family and social structure as well! So grooms don’t be embarrassed when you’re asked to empty out the final coins in your purse after all the festivities. And brides don’t be mortified! All this is done in jest... it usually doesn’t have fixed costs attached and is often something that can be waived ahead of time where the families agree.
The bride price is a sign of a covenant and is a pledge to show that our marriage vows before our families is a “weighty” one. The practice gets abused in different times and by lots of families, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a valuable custom. Either way, the bride price is not a sale because you can’t put a price on another person’s life. And contrary to what most people believe, the bride price isn’t just an African thing, it’s a near universal custom...and for good reason.
For traditional weddings it’s absolutely important that the right party’s show up on either side. Both the bride and the groom need to be adequately represented in the process by their kin because it’s not just a covenant between two individuals, but two families. Also this is tradition’s way of ensuring that we’re all in agreement, all accountable, and all in one accord.
Whether you have practical or more romantic notions about marriage, only a firm commitment to your marriage is the major ingredient that will make it endure. In this episode we look at this and a lot more as well as riffing on ideas about complementary strengths and weaknesses in couples, having the same ideals, and the necessity of friendship and mutual respect.
To keep things objective, after having explored forms of marriage that leave the options of multiple wives open, I figured I’d explore the options that give leeway to women for multiple partners. In either case it’s better to have open discussions about these things before walking down the aisle, rather than falling into things by default! These podcast episodes are not an endorsement of any of these kinds of marriages or sexual practices :)
Costs can be kept to a minimum in traditional weddings as well so long as we keep a keen focus on the key elements of the wedding which include the proper delegates, the pledge or bride price, and rituals for showing consent from the couples.
Wedding fairs are good place to begin your research when planning your wedding! to make the most of your time while at the bridal expo, you should have a good sense of the questions you oughta ask your wedding vendors. The price and money conversations are ok and a good place to begin! but don't forget to ask questions about the key parts of the service that are important to you and how the vendor promises that he or she will be able to deliver and what they do when things go wrong.
For couples who are open to the idea of polygamy, it's a conversation that is best hard early on in the wedding planning process. Both of you need to be open and Frank about the limits of the marriage, because this has serious implications for which kind of marriage you guys are going to enter into! Whether you're going to be married according to native law and customs, whether you will have a statutory marriage, or whether you will get married according to the religious injunctions of your community. This episode is by no means an endorsement of the practice of polygamy!
benefactors who run away from promises that they made to you during the wedding planning process are not necessarily bad people! they probably didn't realise the extent of the commitment and how much money would be involved! These things will be easier to manage when we have all the money conversations upfront, set the right expectations, and have a mutually agreed plan on what the next step should be going forward! the same process applies when you are already married and people promise to help you with specific projects you guys are working on in the marriage.
We have reciprocal obligations as husband and wife and you'll be pleased to know that the "good Book" endorses the idea that a wife has a hold on her husband's body just as the husband has a hold on the wife's!
After the Corona virus lockdowns across the globe, some brides and grooms have figured that it would be a good idea to elope to save costs and have a small wedding. This is not necessarily the case so long as you meet the essential requirements for having a valid wedding! you can still get married in the church or in the court system and not have to spend a ton of money!