Laughter Matters: Recent Episodes
Kent Rader
Reduce stress and build successful, profitable organizations and businesses by helping people learn and experience how laughter matters.
LM1259, Last Episode, 6/5/23, (5/2 4/20,) How Do People Live Like This
Three years ago during the pandemic, I had been home for 11 weeks, the longest I’ve been home in 22 years and I was struggling. I mentioned the Roman statesman, Cincinnatus, who once said, “The center of all enjoyment is the home. I have no wish to wander from that home.” The joke was, with all due respect, I don’t know how people live like this. I never enjoyed traveling, but I endured it because I loved performing.
Two years ago we moved to the town named after Cincinnatus, Cincinnati, OH, to be close to our children. It was about that time I also returned to live performances. I would say it’s safe to say I am far from the only person in America who came out of the pandemic changed. I’m finding traveling is an even bigger pain than pre-pandemic times and I’m not enjoying performing as much as before. And, if I am honest with myself, like Cincinnatus, being close to my children and waking up every morning with my wife, Twyla, is very enjoyable and I don;t wander from them. After much thought, I am going to take a break from performing as soon as I finish with what I already have scheduled and today will be my last Laughter Matters.
I sincerely appreciate you listening and I hope you always remember laughter really does matter.
LM, Episode 1256 REPLAY 258
Since Typhoid Twyla tested positive for the coronavirus, I have been doing most of the cooking. I haven’t done this much cooking since the summer Maggie and her husband, Justin, bought their house in Cincinnati.
Twyla and I went there for ten days to help remodeling our daughter, Maggie’s, house. We’re working 12 hours a day. The first night we sleep on an inflatable bed which, about 3 am, develops a flat, but we’re too tired to get up. We didn’t even have internet. Even in the caves of Tora Bora, Osama Bin Laden had the internet
I don’t like being dirty, yet I’m doing the dirtiest job of all, removing 80 year old plaster. I look like a donut covered in powered sugar, yet Twyla, Maggie, and Justin look fresh as a daisy. When I ask why, Twyla says, “Well, Justin and I are running wire, Maggie is painting, your only skill seems to be destruction.”
After ten days, I’m parolled and get to go home. Maggie is coming to Kansas City with me as she is working at the Heart of America Shakespeare Company. Twyla stays for three more weeks to finish the wiring with Justin. When Maggie and I get home, I tell her, “Listen, I can cook well enough to keep us alive, but if you want a good meal, I’d go to a restaurant with your friends. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be here enjoying the internet.”
Have a great weekend and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1255, (Remaster 256, 7/29/20), 5/30/23, It’s a Valid Question
Last week I talked about our grandson, Kai, asking me if I thought the captain of the Titanic thought, “I’ve lived long enough.”
After he listened to it, I asked if he remembered it. He texted back, “Yes, I remember, but the question still stands about the captain.”
That makes me laugh every time I think of it. That boy seems to realize laughter matters.
LM Episode 1251 REPLAY 244, 7/17/20, Well, She Was Drunk Once. www.kentraderspeaks.com
I am amazed how many people today have tattoos. When I was a kid, the only person I knew with a tattoo was Popeye. I was 36 years old before I saw a woman with a tattoo. My uncle Calvin said, “Well, she was drunk once.”
Recently I saw a woman who was a teacher when I was in high school had posted a picture of her tanned legs and white feet due to her daily walk on Facebook and I noticed she had a tattoo on her ankle. This is the last person on earth I would have thought would have a tattoo. When I asked her about it, she said it was her kid’s names and she absolutely loved it, plus, when she gets old it will help her remember their names.
What a great idea. Since tattoo artists are back to work, I got one of my kid’s names on my ankle and I love seeing their names, Keith and Keith’s Sister. That may be the longest set up of my career.
Have a great weekend and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1250, (Remaster 249, 7/22/20), I’ve Lived Long Enough
Our grandson, Kai, used to like to play football games in our backyard, just him and me and he wanted me to do the play by play. “Second and 8, the boy goes out for a slant pass, yes, first down.”
One time he dropped the ball, “Oh, no, he was wide open in the flat and he dropped the ball. It looked like he tried to catch that with his elbows.”
Kai goes, “Papa Kent, you can’t criticize me for one mistake.”
He drops the next pass too. I say, “How about two?” He did think that was funny.
Later in the game, out of the blue, he asks, “Do you think the captain of the Titanic thought, ‘I’ve lived long enough.’”
I go, “I don’t know what he was thinking, but I was thinking that when you dropped that second pass.” He thought that was less funny.
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM Episode 1249 REPLAY 243, www.kentraderspeaks.com Super Mario Brothers
Recently an unopened copy of the 1985 Super Mario Brothers game sold for $114,000. It was our son, Keith’s, first video game. He loved playing it.
When we lived in Oklahoma, Twyla’s mom, Emma Lou, watched the kids after school. She went to a pawn shop and bought the console and Super Mario Brothers game, paying significantly less than $114,000, so Keith could play it at her house.
Emma Lou struggled with insomnia, I used to tease her it was caused by a guilty conscience. She started playing Super MArio Brothers when she had trouble sleeping. About once a week, our phone would ring and it was Emma Lou. “Hi, Grandma, how are you?”
She’d say, “Fine, is Keith still awake?” Keith would talk her though finding a hidden mushroom or get her to the next level. I hope he remembers those calls as fondly as I do.
Wear your mask and always remember laughter matters.
REPLAY LM, Episode 507, Get The Hell Out of My Way
Last week I reconnected with a guy named Kent Hanan who I worked with at Russell Stover Candies years ago. Kent and I have lots in common. We attended the same college a year apart, we’re both accountants, and we both love laughing.
Every morning for the year we worked together, we would adjourn to a restaurant in the lobby of the building for our coffee break. We agreed those were some of the most fun times we ever had at a job.
Kent worked with an accountant named Tim. Tim believed he was just biding his time until his exceptional talents would be noticed by the owner of Russell Stover Candies, Mr. Ward, and he’d be moved to the executive floor above us.
Try as he might, Mr. Ward never noticed Tim, until one day Tim excitedly reported to Kent he’d had his first encounter with Mr. Ward on the elevator. When Kent asked what Mr. Ward had said, Tim responded, “He said, ‘get the hell out of my way.”’
There was an executive, Mr. Michaelis, on our floor. Mr. Michaelis was always impeccably dressed. One day Kent notices Mr. Michaelis has dirt on his forehead and when Kent mentions this to Mr. Michaelis’s secretary, she says it’s Ash Wednesday. Being as much of a heathen as me, Kent says, “Okay, but he still has dirt on his forehead.”
Kent and I talked about some of the awful jobs we had over the years, but I was happy to hear he was happily working for Hilton Hotels. Kent said he told his boss he wished he’d found Hilton earlier in his career so he could give them 30 years of service instead of the few he has remaining.
I told Kent Hilton is my favorite hotel chain because of their service and he confirmed what I long suspected. Hilton understands their customer relations mirror their employee relations because, as customer service expert, Emily Yellen, observes, it is virtually impossible for an employee who feels mistreated to care about your customers. Today on Management Monday I hope you will follow the example of Hilton and treat your employees as you want them to treat your customers.
Kent and I spent two hours laughing at our reminiscing, remembering that Tim never made it to the executive floor, getting fired not long after his encounter with Mr. Ward. We agreed to keep in touch and I believe we will because we both believe laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1247,5/21/23, My Cotton Pickin’ Days Are Over
I have a friend who’s retiring and he’s wondering what he will do with his time. He runs, bikes, and swims, but you can only workout a couple of hours a day. That’s a problem my Grandma Rader never had.
When my Granddad Rader returned from World War I, Grandma Rader was working at JC Pennys. Granddad wanted to get into retail sales, so he asked the manager if he could work at the store on nights and Sundays for free to learn the business. The manager agreed and, after six months, he wanted to hire Granddad Rader as the assistant manager, but company policy said husband and wife couldn’t be employed by the same store, so Grandma Rader would have to quit. Not being particularly work brittle, she used to say hard work didn’t bother her, she could sit and look at it all day, Grandma Rader gladly agreed and retired at the age of 22..
She had so many other interests that a job interfered with. She was artistic, she could singing, play both the piano and the harp. She loved all music, playing the Beach Boys Help Me Rhonda over and over. She painted and even hand painted her own Christmas cards. She wrote poetry and an autobiography about her life with Granddad Rader which continues to bring me comfort.
My brother, Michael, and I ate lunch at their house every Saturday and when Michael would skip school, she’d not only make him lunch, she’d write him an excuse for the principal.
But maybe the thing I remember most about her was she was funny. Whenever they were at our house and Granddad Rader would want to leave, she’d say, “Every party has a pooper and that’s why we invited you.
There was an African American woman, Mrs. Millentry, who cleaned houses, but when she got to Nell’s, the party would start. The two of them would laugh constantly. Once Grandma sent me to retrieve a bottle of aspirin for Mrs. Miollentree’s headache. Mrs. Millentree removed the cap, then asked me to remove the cotton because, and I quote, “My cotton pickin’ days are over.” I can hear the two of them laughing to this day because both of them always remembered laughter matters.
REPLAY LM, Episode 229, I’ve Canceled My Trip to Tijuana, www.kentraderspeaks.com
My Aunt Maude and Uncle Don are a trip. Don went on vacation recently and Maude told me, “I’m glad he took his car because if he has a wreck, I’d hate to lose my car.” That’s the kind of relationship they have.
A few years ago Don planted bamboo in their backyard and it has taken over. It is ten feet tall and so thick there could be a tiger hiding it and you wouldn’t know. While he was on vacation, Maude chopped all of it down. I asked, “Won’t Don be mad.”
She says, “Don’s not here, is he?”
When he gets home, he tells me, “Kent, let this be a lesson to you. Never go on vacation. I don’t care how much fun you have, even if you spent a week with a bunch of Tijuana hookers, you’ll regret it ‘cause you’ll come home and she’ll have destroyed something you love.”
So I have canceled my trip to Tijuanan.
Have a great Thursday and always remember laughter matters.
REPLAY LM, Episode 203
The turmoil America is experiencing reminds me of what followed the killing of Martin Luther King in 1968. Many American cities, including Kansas City, broke out in rebellion.
A few months later, I went with my pregnant aunt to her doctor’s appointment. It was at Research Hospital in Kansas City in what many white people would call, “a bad neighborhood.”
Sitting at a stop light, a car with two black men pulls us beside us. The man in the passenger seat looks over at a pregnant white woman and a nine year old white boy, he gets a look of fear on his face, and locks his car door. The four of us shared a beautiful moment of laughter. I hope those two men are alive and safe today because we all need to remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1243, 5/17/23, (Remaster 225, 6/28/20), Paternity Test
At our family dinner this week, our daughter, Maggie, says, “I heard your Laughter Matters saying I have zero patience.”
“Really, I would have hoped you’d have missed that one.”
Maggie’s husband, Justin, and I were at Walgreens a few years ago. I told him I was going to buy an at home paternity test to make sure Maggie is my child. He says, “Save your money. She’s yours, she acts just like you.”
“Well, thank you Justin.”
Actually, Maggie, I’m sorry. Justin is right, I’m to blame for your impatience, so hurry up and get over it..
I’m returning to Wiley’s comedy club in Dayton this weekend. Tickets are available for Friday and Saturday night at www.wileyscomedy.com. Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1242, 5/16/23, (Remaster 221, 6/24/20), OJ’s Bronco
A couple of years ago Ford unveiled their new Bronco on OJ Simpson’s birthday. Ford says it is a coincidence, but I think it’s in bad taste to have the first one driven off the assembly line by Al Cowlings.
What’s next, extra tight, Isatoner gloves? “Isatoner, if the glove don’t fit, you have to acquit.”
My Grandma Rowan would have loved the former President’s trail last week because she was all over the OJ trial. She knew more about OJ’s trial than she did about my cousin, Beth’s.
When Anna Nicole Smith died, Grandma watched CNN 18 hours a day and she’d call me every afternoon to tell me the news about the autopsy or paternity test, and she’d just call her Anna Nicole like she’s part of the family.
After two months of this, I’m sitting in the Phoenix airport, nothing to do, so I call her, “Grandma, did you hear the news? They dug Anna Nichole up.”
She goes, “NO!”
“Yes, they dug her up, took her to Pennsylvania, she saw her shadow, there’s going to be six more weeks of winter.”
She hangs up on me. Ten minutes later, Twyla calls, “Will you leave your grandma alone?”
“I’m just teasing her.”
“Well stop it. She’s calling here, saying how you ain’t right, saying there’s no disgrace in getting a divorce now that the kids are grown.”
Sometimes my grandma forgot how much laughter matters.
REPLAY LM, Episode 219, 6/22/20, Management Monday, www.kentraderspeaks.com
My wife, Twyla’s, telling me about a coworker, saying, “Her intentions are good, but sometimes she’s impatient and terse.”
I go, “Well that has to be a nice change of pace for you.” I love sarcasm even when it’s directed at me. I am the personification of impatience and terseness and our daughter, the Kent clone known as Maggie, is cursed with it. Maggie and I went to a coffee shop with her husband, Justin. We get our coffee and Maggie and I walk out to the sidewalk, but no Justin. Not wanting to be a jerk, I wait what seems to be an eternity, probably 10 seconds, before asking, “Is Justin coming.”
Maggie snaps, “If he is, he’s taking his sweet time about it.” I can’t wait to tell him this. He says, “Hey, you two, we’re on vacation.”
“And that’s justification for wasting our time?”
But I have the patience of Jobe compared to my Granddad Rader. If the car in front of him didn’t start moving immediately when the light turned green, he’d yell, “It’s not going to get any greener, sister or brother,” depending on the gender of the driver.
Consequently, he was not easy to work for when he was the manager of the Penny store in Richmond, MO. He was not shy about directing employees to do whatever needed to be done, but he was the first person to jump in to do whatever needed doing. No task was beneath him, washing the store’s windows, straightening the stock, dusting, he was on it.
Years after he retired, on the day after Thanksgiving, he’d take me to the Penny store to order my Christmas gift from the catalog. The women who’d worked for him were always happy to see him. I was proud of the respect they gave him.
On today’s Management Monday, having high expectations of your employees is acceptable, but you must hold yourself to the same exacting standards by being willing to do whatever needs to be done.
Have a great week and always remember laughter matters.
REPLAY LM, Episode 177, 5/13/23, Happy Mother’s Day
Richard Pryor talked about visiting Africa and he said when you see the animals in the wild, it is different than at the zoo. He says you see a rabbit in the wild and something tells you, “don’t mess with that rabbit.”
My mom is beautiful and elegant, but, when you meet her, something tells you, “Don’t mess with that rabbit.” She’s in her 80’s and she still scares me.
My senior year of high school, I took Spanish with a teacher that was fresh out of college. He was just three or four years older than me. I spent the entire first month cutting up to impress the girls in class and he didn’t have a clue what to do with me.
Finally, he calls Mom, telling her what I’m doing, and asks her to meet with me and him. He says, “My planning hour is at 1.”
Mom says, “This won’t take an hour.” And it didn’t.
She jumps all in the middle of the teacher, “What in the world are you doing letting him act a fool for a whole month? Listen, next time that boy opens his mouth, if he ain’t habloing Spanish, you call me, ‘cause he’ll never get a date to prom with me sittin’ behind him in class. Do you two boys understand me?”
We affirm we did and she walks out, but I could see the fear on the teacher’s face. When I asked if he’s alright, he goes, “Do you think she means it?”
“My experience is she means every word. Listen, you’ll not have any more problems out of me.” It was a beautiful moment when a teacher and student bonded over afraid of a woman half our size and twice our age.
Happy mother’s day, Mom, I’m looking forward to seeing you soon.
LM, Episode 1238, 5/12/23, Emma Lou was Stubborn
My mother-in-law, Emma Lou, was stubborn. In fact, Twyla’s dad used to say that Twyla got all of her stubbornness from him because her mom hasn’t lost any of hers.
Twyla, and her cousin, Brenda often debate which one of their mom’s was more stubborn.
When Twyla started teaching, she asked Emma Lou to watch the kids after school. Emma Lou was happy to do it, but objected to Twyla’s insistence on paying her. I wondered if this would cause a problem, but uncharacteristically, Emma Lou relinquished. This arrangement continued until Emma Lou passed away.
Seven years later Twyla called me asking me to call the bank because they’d called her at school about a problem with our account. The bank tells me Emma Lou had a savings account without any activity in seven years. When they found out she was deceased, they called the only other name on the account, Twyla. When they told me the amount of the account, it was, basically, the amount we’d paid Emma Lou for watching the kids.
Brenda and Twyla finally agreed, Emma Lou was more stubborn because seven years after her death, her stubbornness continued.
Have a great day and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1237, 5/11/23, I Can’t Sleep
The minute my head hits the pillow, I’m asleep. If I’m awake a minute, I’m thinking, “I’ll never get to sleep tonight.” This has to be exasperating for Twyla because she, easily, lays awake an hour most nights, which I attribute to a guilty conscience. But it is a testament to her character that she doesn’t do something mean to me because I do know how exasperating insomnia can be.
When I was 8, my parents bought our first TV and they remodeled the bedroom I shared with my older brother, Michael, into a TV room and moved the Rader boys to a room in the attic, like we’re Anne Frank or something. It was as far away from Mom and Dad’s bedroom as you could be without moving into our neighbor, Mrs. Hawkin’s, house and I guess I was experiencing separation anxiety because I couldn’t go to sleep.
I tossed and turned until I finally got up, went to Mom and Dad’s room, proclaiming, “I can’t sleep.” Michael swears that’s the reason we never had a little sister.
Mom tried everything, warm milk, telling me to lay on my back and clear my mind. Finally, she said, “I’ll stay awake until you fall asleep,” and I believed her. It seemed knowing I wasn’t the last to go to sleep in the house brought me comfort and my insomnia stopped.
If you are having trouble sleeping, I want you to know Twyla will stay awake until you fall asleep.
Sleep well and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1236, 5/9/23, 75, 5/8/20, Give ‘em hell
Yesterday I mentioned it was President Truman’s birthday and one of my favorite things about him is he and his wife, Bess, had a great sense of humor.
He had a penchant for profanity and he loved to tell the story about a reporter asking Mrs. Truman, “‘Can’t you get the president to stop saying manure.”
Mrs. Truman responds, “You have no idea how long it took me to get him to say manure.”
During the 1948 presidential campaign, people would shout, “Give ‘em hell, Harry.” President would say, “I never give anyone hell. I just tell the truth and they think it’s hell.”
One day after leaving the White House, President Truman walked into their house in Independence, MO and Bess burning his letters. He said, “Bess, think of history.”
She said, “I am Harry,” and kept on burning.
When asked how he advises his only child, Margaret, he said, “the best way to give advice to your children is find out what they want, then advice them to do it.”
My wife, Twyla, and I are convinced the only way we have survived our 37 years together is we can laugh during life’s most difficult times and I’m sure Harry and Bess Truman would agree because they never forgot laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1235, 5/8/23, Happy Birthday President Truman.
The pandemic was my dad’s dream come true. The government was telling him to stay home and watch TV. When I’d call to see what he was doing, he’d say, “I’m watching TV ‘cause I’m a patriot.” When he got his first stimulus check, he calls me, saying, “I just got $1,200 from the government to watch TV. God bless America.”
Dad has always been laid back. In fact, the only thing I ever remember him making me do is take typing in high school because he was convinced it saved his life.
During the Korean War, he was drafted in the Marines. When he finished basic training and just before they were to be sent to Korea to die, they asked if they had any special skills. Dad said he could type. He spent his entire time in the Marines as a teletype operator at Cherry Point in North Carolina. He said the only danger he saw were the alligators in Slocumb’s Creek.
Mom and Dad said one thing they didn’t mention during their time in the Marines was that they were from Missouri because the unpopular President Truman was also from Missouri. Truman had numerous problems with General Douglas MacArthur who was leading the troops in Korea. MacArthur thought the war should be escalated and Truman feared it would lead to World War III. Truman ordered him to stop, even flying to Wake Island for an in person meeting with MacArthur, but the problems persisted.
Finally, President Truman asked his Secretary of Defense, General George Marshall, what he would do. When General Marshall said, “I’d fire him,” Truman did just that, igniting a firestorm. General MacArthur returned to a hero’s welcome, there were parades, he spoke to Congress where he uttered the famous words, “Old soldiers never die, they just fade away.”
Truman’s approval rating dipped to 22%. In spite of the rancor, Truman told his staff, “It will die down in a month or so.” Sure enough, it did.
President Truman did what he thought was right and, when he made a decision, he took responsibility and accepted the consequences for it. He had a famous sign on his desk which said, “The buck stops here.” He also used to say, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.”
Today is President Truman’s birthday. As leaders, we will get criticism no matter what we do, but if we do what we know in our hearts is right, we can sleep well at night.
And, as for me taking typing, it was the right thing to do because while all my friends were in shop class with 29 other guys talking about girls, I was in typing with 29 girls.
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1232, 5/5/23, Tucker’s Suckers
Tucker Carlson got fired from Fox News last week, so maybe there is a God after all. My comedian friend, Mike Preston, says Tucker wants to spend more time at home lying to his family.
Tucker became the most watched show because he tapped into many white people’s fears about America’s changing demographics. Tucker adopted the Neo-Nazi Replacement Theory, meaning people of color are going to replace white people in America. He reinforced fears that you and your family are under attack by people who look different than you.
Tucker didn’t get fired for lying to his audience about January 6th, which he claims was little more than the rioters taking a tour of the Capitol. Again, Mike Preston posted a photo of the riot with someone asking, “Where’s the gift shop?”. He didn’t get fired for lying to his audience that President Biden stole the election. No, he got fired because he was critical of his bosses. He was angry that the news division called the election for President Biden, saying, “They’re going to ruin my credibility.”
Credibility? Actually it’s the perfect work. Google defines it as the quality of being trusted. It doesn’t say anything about the trust being warranted?
It turns out, not only is Tucker a liar and a racist, he’s also a misogynist who developed a hostile workplace for women. In Abby Grossburg’s lawsuit against Fox, she makes claims of sexism on Tucker’s show, including openly paying women less than men, men belittling female hosts and guests on Fox, and the men on Tucker’s show twice taking a poll as to which female governor candidate in Michigan they’d want to have sex with. Tucker’s a liar, racists, and sexist, how versatile.
Speaking of sexists, the same day Tucker got fired, CNN fired Don Lemon for his comments about women. He said Nikki Haley was, “past her prime, I’m sorry.” When Don’s female co-hosts protested, instead of shutting up, he stated, “a woman’s prime is in her 20’s, 30’s, maybe 40’s. I’m just saying what the facts are, Google it.” I did Goole it and Google says Don Lemon is a misogynistic prick. (pig)
But Fox News has a golden opportunity here. What if they replaced Tucker with Don Lemon? It would exemplify a person of color replacing a white guy, thus continuing to stoke white people’s fears about Replacement Theory, and he could continue treating women at Fox poorly. It’s a win win.
On the night Tucker was fired, I texted Mike Preston to see what he was going to do since he couldn’t watch Tucker. He said he’s starting a Prayer-support group for Tucker’s fans that he’s calling Tucker’s Suckers.
Have a great weekend and always remember laughter matters.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone REPLAY for 5/4/23
I had an accounting client once who was a retired English teacher. He wanted to write a book about his experience he was going to title, I Ain’t Got No Pencil.
Last week, while listening to Bill Withers, it struck me funny that Aint No Sunshine When She’s Gone wasn’t written by an English teacher, but I thank God Bill had a pencil. Always remember laughter and pencils matter.
LM, Episode 214, 6/16/20, REPLAY for 5/3/23
I went to high school with a guy everyone called Flathead because his head was shaped like someone had run over it with a car.
Before you get to feeling sorry for him, he was one of those people that no matter what he says, it sounds offensive. After a show at the theater in my hometown, a guy walks up to me and I recognized him immediately because, well his head was flat. He turns his head sideways so he can look me in the eyes, and says, “My wife and I paid $25 per ticket tonight to see you even though I didn’t think you were that funny in school.”
The first response I thought of was, “Someone married you,” but I thought that was mean, so I say, “Yeah, you want to hear something hilarious, I get $15 of that, now that’s funny.”
The first thing I do when I get to a show is ask how many tickets have been sold. In my head, I multiply that by the ticket price, then multiply that number by my percentage of the ticket price and come up with, within $10-20, what I’m making that night. Other comedians marvel at this, “How do you do that?”
“I know how to multiply.”
Once my friend, Jenny Whitty, had a FaceBook post saying, “If 666 is evil, then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.” It made me laugh out loud. For those of you who are mathematically challenged, 25.8069758 is the square root of 666. I don’t know that off the top of my head, but I know 25 times 25 is 625 which is close.
Thank you Jenny for reminding us multiplication and laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1229, 5/2/23 (Remaster #186, 5/19/20), Our Lesbian Friends
We have friends who are a lesbian couple. A few years ago after having dinner with them, Twyla says, “I really enjoy their company. I’m glad you are comfortable being around three women.”
I go, “You ought to be the one who’s uncomfortable, you’re the only one of the four of us who likes men.”
She responds, “Yeah, less and less all the time.”
Twyla always remembers laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1228, 5/1/23, This Will Be On The Test
The summer before my senior year of college was the hottest in Kansas City history. We had 17 straight days in July over 100 degrees. I was living in a $93 a month apartment without air conditioning and it was just as miserable as it sounds.
Needing a humanities class to graduate, I enrolled in Ethics because the heat made me realize I didn’t want to spend eternity in what my Grandma Rowan called, “a lake of fire,” and it was offered in the library which had air conditioning.
When we studied the Golden Rule, Dr. David said every religion had a version of it and all were intended to treat people as you’d want to be treated not so they’d reciprocate, a Quid Pro Quo, but because you loved people. I’m thinking I need to remember that because it sounds like it’ll be on the test.
Years later my wife, Twyla, and I were at the movies seeing As Good As It Gets and she laughed and laughed because that wasn’t Jack Nicholson on the screen, it was Kent Rader. I do have obsessive compulsive tendencies, cleaning my hands more than the average person, but I believe that says more about the average person than it does me and I’m right because, during the pandemic, when they told everyone to wash their hands, half of America was like, “What? Wash my hands? I took a show on Tuesday.”
Jack Nicholson said things in that movie that have come out of my mouth like, “I’m drowning here and you’re describing the water,” but one attitude I’m ashamed I have had most of my life is like when he helps Carol the waitress, he asks for a favor. When she asks, “Are you saying accepting your help obligates me,” he responds, “Is there another way to look at it?”
Fortunately, I have learned there are other ways to look at it. Once when Twyla and I were on vacation in Santa Fe, we’re arguing about something I’d done for her that I didn’t think she appreciated enough and she snapped, “Do you ever do anything for someone just because it will make them happy, not expecting anything in return?”
Don’t you hate people who hold up a mirror to you and force you to take an honest look at yourself? “You mean that Golden Rule stuff wasn’t just for the test, I’m supposed to live it?”
As a leader, I believe it’s essential to follow the Golden Rule, treating employees as we would want to be treated, with honesty, integrity, and respect, not in the hopes they will reciprocate, but simply because it is the right thing to do. .
Being in a relationship with Twyla has made me a better person, which is sometimes more difficult than being the selfish person I was before I met her. That is when I quote another As Good As It Gets line, “Twyla’s evicted me from my life.”
Have a great week and always remember laughter matters.
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LM, Episode 1227, 4/30/23, Lyrics Matter
I was listening to Dwight Yokum’s version of Suspicious Minds and I realized the opening lyric, is, “I’m caught in a trap,” instead of, “I’m caught in a crack,” like I always thought it said. That paints an entirely different mental picture.
There are some lyrics I can’t get enough of. Kris Kristofferson’s song Watch Closely Now has a line saying, “When they’re breaking your back, bring your last straw to me, I’ll turn your straw into gold.” Man I wished I’d written that.
Driving late at night can be lonely. You’re the only person not asleep. I often play the Poison song Every Rose Has It’s Thorn over and over, sometimes for hours because there is one line says how lonely I feel, “And now I hear you found somebody new, And that I never meant that much to you.”
I can’t wait for my wife, Twyla, to add on an attached garage to our house so I can have a Czechoslovakian flag because it will remind me of the Charlie Daniels’ lyric from Uneasy Rider, “I bet he has a commie flag tacked up on the wall inside of his garage.”
I think lyrics matter almost as much as laughter does.
LM, Episode 1224, 4/27/23, A Country Boy
Recently I got to have dinner with one of the people on my List of 37 Friends, Jerry. Jerry and I have known each other since kindergarten. He told his wife, Kandi, he and the teacher played cards during nap time while the class, including me, were sleeping. Jerry was afraid to go to sleep because he was so cute someone might steal him.\
Kandi told me they met at a party and when she asked him to dance, he said he didn’t dance because he was just a country boy, which is hilarious because he grew up two blocks from me in town. Years ago I told Jerry’s mom about the country boy comment and she said, “He ought to be ashamed of himself.”
I said, “He should be ashamed of himself, but he isn’t.”
Jerry and I were both the youngest in our families, so we were a bit spoiled. Jerry’s mom said his sisters spoiled him. He’d sit on the floor and cry until one of them got him a bowl of cereal. Kandi asked when did that stop and I said, “About a year ago.”
Life has given Jerry situations I will never have to endure, yet he continues to maintain his sense of humor. He has the same mischievous smile and joyous laugh I remember from those days in school. I’m glad Jerry’s my friend because he always makes me laugh and you know how much laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1223, 4/26/23 (remaster 163, 4/26/20), Happy Birthday Keith
The summer before the pandemic I wrote a one man show about going from accounting to comedy and did it at the Kansas City Fringe Festival.
After my first show at the KC Fringe, we’re driving home and I tell my wife,Twyla, “I’m really proud of that 56 minutes tonight. It is the culmination of nine months of hard work. What have you accomplished in the last nine months?”
She says, “Let’s see, oh, in nine months I created a human being, twice.”
“Touche.”
One of those human beings is our son Keith and today is his birthday. Keifer is a gentle soul, he’s thoughtful, kind, and has a wicked, dry sense of humor. He always does the right thing and Twyla and I couldn’t be more proud of the man he has become. Happy birthday, Keifer, I hope you always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1222, 4/25/23, Uneasy Driver
Early Sunday morning I’m driving through Brookfield, MO low on gas when I get stopped by one of Brookfield’s finest. He says I’m doing 47 in a 35 and asks for my driver’s license and insurance card. I give him my license and pull out a stack of insurance cards from the glovebox to find the current one. The only thing I have more of in this car are fast food cups piled on the floor of the back seat. As I’m looking through the insurance cards, I say my dad’s cousin, Chester, used to live here and, not only did I need gas, I thought I’d drive by his house.
The most current insurance card I have expired last month. He says, “You obviously have insurance, but while you were trying to find a current one, I noticed your license plates are expired.”
I’m 12 miles over the speed limit, expired license plates and insurance card, so I did what every married man in the world would do. I threw my wife, Twyla, under the bus. I go, “I’m sorry, but this is my wife’s car and you know how they are, right?”
The officer’s whole demeanor changes. “Boy, do I,” he says. “Yesterday I drove my wife’s car and both the check engine and low tire lights were on. It took me the better part of my day off getting everything fixed. Listen, I’m going to let you go, but, promise me you’ll slow down and get this stuff straightened out when you get home.”
I promised and got the hell out of Brookfield.
When I tell Twyla what I’d done, she says, “The worst part is he thinks I’m a slob with all the trash in the back floor board.”
I go, “Plus I didn’t get to go by Chester’s house.”
Twyla asks, “You mean that part was true? So there is a grain of truth in the web of lies you told this man?”
“Yes, I’m not a complete liar.”
Take care and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1221, 4/23/23, Baptists
There’s an old joke that protestants don’t recognize the Pope as the head of the church, Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the savior, and Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.
My alma mater, William Jewell College, was associated with the Southern Baptist when I went there. The first cross country practice, one of the other runners, Bob Landon, told me the rules for going to a Baptist college. He says, “There’s no drinking, no smoking, and you can’t have sex standing up because they’ll think you’re dancing.” And I figured Bob ought to know. His father was a Baptist preacher.
Women were only allowed in the men’s dorm rooms one night a week and you had to keep the light on, the door open and all four feet had to be on the floor. Luckily for me, when I was a kid, I played a lot of Twister. I know that’s a stupid joke, but it made me laugh when I thought of it.
A few years ago the Southern Baptist wanted William Jewell College to provide them with every student’s sexual orientation. Fortunately the leadership of the college found this to be too intrusive and refused, even though it meant losing financial support from the Southern Baptist. I must say I was never more proud of my school than at that moment.
And to my Baptist friends who I recognized at the liquor store, you know who you are, your secret is safe with me just as long as you don’t tell Twyla whenever you see me at the Taco Bell drive up window. Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1219, 4/21/23,
This week Fox News settled their lawsuit brought by Dominion Voting Machines for telling lies about the 2020 election. Fox aired stories that Dominion had stolen the election for Biden although the evidence of emails and text messages from Fox employees shows Fox knew these were lies. Fox agreed to pay nearly $800 million because that’s what you do when you’re innocent.
Fox says this shows their, “continued commitment to the highest journalistic standards,” so at least they haven’t lost their sense of humor. I wished I could write something that ironic.
Poor Rupert Murdock has had a rough month. Not only does he have to admit Fox News lies, he called off his engagement to what would be his fifth wife, Ann Lesley Smith. Rupert decided she was wacko when she said Tucker Carlson is a, “messenger from God.” If she means he’s one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, then I would have to agree with her. I wonder if Rupert will ask her to give back the $2.5 million ring he gave her. He’s going to need some extra cash to pay off his network’s lies.
Unfortunately, Fox News will continue lying to keep their ratings high. It just makes you wonder how they sleep at night?
Have a great weekend and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1218, 4/20/23, Remus New Friends
We have two hawks living in our backyard. Our cat, Remus, loves sitting in the open window and watching them through the screen. Remus says the hawks are both very nice. In fact, they invited him over for dinner sometime. He says he hopes they serve Friskies’ canned salmon.
Last night we’re going to sleep about 10 and notice we hadn’t seen Remus. This is very unusual because every night about 8 pm he’s begging us to go to bed to watch TV with him laying at the foot of the bed with us.
We spent an hour searching high and low. Finally, Twyla went outside and found him next door at our daughter’s house. He somehow got out of the house without us seeing him. Good thing those two are hawks and not owls or we’d be at the animal shelter today getting a new cat.
Have a great day and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1217, 4/19/23 (Remaster Episode 179, 5/12/20), Dr. Pretty Boy, DDS
Twyla’s dentist when we lived in Missouri was Dr. Pretty Boy, DDS. She says it’s cheaper seeing him than going to see the Chippendale Dancers “I’m not sure getting your cleaned monthly is cheaper?”
My Grandma Rowan told Twyla about him. I go, “Grandma, you don’t have any teeth.”
She says, “No, but I have eyes, and he’s easy on them.”
I’ve called him Dr. Pretty Boy so long, I don’t remember his name, which is fine because he doesn’t know mine either. Once when I refused a prescription for pain pills, he asks, “But what if you’re in pain.”
I go, “Then I’ll just be in a bad mood, won’t I?” Ever since, he’s called me Mr. Bad Mood.
I went to Dr. Pretty Boy for ten years and I’ve never seen another male patient. Twyla says, “He probably thinks you’re gay.”
Thats fine with me because he gets me in and out in about half the time he spends on his other patients. I care more about saving time than I do about what anyone thinks about my sexuality.
Besides, I have qualities Dr. Pretty Boy doesn’t. During my last appointment, he asks me, “Are you doing anything fun this summer.”
I go, “No, just this.” He doesn’t even crack a smile.
I told Twyla, Dr. Pretty Boy has zero sense of humor.
Twyla says, “I don’t go to him to laugh. I have you for that.”
“Yeah, and don’t you forget laughter matters.”
LM, Episode 1216, 4/18/23, Tax Day
I always loved making people laugh, so I became an accountant. That was a mistake. Trust me, people want a funny accountant only slightly more than they want a funny proctologist. I, actually, going into proctology just to prove to my Grandma I do know my butt from a hole in the ground.
The day I passed the CPA exam, I thought it was a dream come true. Little did I know it was the beginning of a nightmare. I should have known, have you ever seen a happy CPA? No, and you know why? Because a CPA certificate is a life sentence for doing your relatives tax returns for free. It starts with your parents and grandparents. Dad treats me like H&R Block. Last year he asks, “Why don’t you sign the return as the preparer?”
“Because it says PAID preparer.”
You add your in-laws when you get married. If you think they hate you now, wait till you screw up their tax return.
The best birth control for me was knowing every child we had would be another tax return.
And don’t think changing careers will stop it. I’ve been doing this 24 years, I still do seven tax returns. A comedian doing taxes because the IRS is known for it’s sense of humor.
Today is tax filing deadline. I hope everyone is done with their taxes. For me, I filed an extension so I won’t have to think about it for another six months. Have a great day and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1215, 4/17/23, Leading in an Enlightened Way
A few years ago a family friend discovered Dad’s mother had been in the Daughters of the American Revolution and invited Dad and me to a Sons of the American Revolution meeting. That was a mistake. I was the youngest person there by 29 years and I know it exactly because Dad was the second youngest person there. About half way through, Dad whispers to me, “A couple of these guys aren’t sons of the American Revolution, they were IN the American Revolution.” I now know where the expression, “like watching paint dry,” came from. It was the longest two hours of my life.
In 1939 the Daughters of the American Revolution refused to allow the singer, Marian Anderson, to do a concert at Constitution Hall in Washington, DC because she was black. Seems ironic that a group whose forefathers fought a war that began with a declaration that “All men are created equal,” wouldn’t let someone perform because of the color of her skin.
First Lady, Eleanor Roosevelt, resigned from the DAR. Her letter said, “I am in complete disagreement with the attitude taken in refusing Constitution Hall to a great artist. You have set an example which seems to me unfortunate and I feel obliged to send in to you my resignation. You had an opportunity to lead in an enlightened way and it seems to me that your organization has failed.”
In 1939 racial discrimination was rampant and acceptable. Mrs. Roosevelt led in an enlightened and courageous way. Not only did she publically resign from the DAR, she organized a concert at the Lincoln Memorial on Easter Sunday where 75,000 people saw and millions more heard on the radio Marian Anderson sing. And Mrs. Roosevelt has gone down on the right side of history.
There is a lot in the news about “woke” companies today. Woke is defined as being aware of and actively attending to racial and social justice.” In other words, a company that is fighting to make America live up to the ideal that all men and women are created equal and should be treated accordingly.
Today on Management Monday, I hope you will lead in an enlightened way and make your company welcoming to all Oh, sure, Kid Rock may make a video of shooting up some of your product, but that just means you have some of his money in your pocket and his money spends just as good as anyone else’s. Not only is it the right thing to do, your children will be proud that you will go down on the right side of history.
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1214, 4/16/23, Emma Lou
Last week I mentioned my List of 37 Friends and one person who was on the original list was Twyla’s mom, Emma Lou. In fact, even though she has been gone for 25 years, she is still on my list today.
I was running in Tulsa one morning when two guys drove by, yelling something obscene at me. I’m filled with endorphins, thinking, “We all ought to live in peace and harmony on such a glorious morning,” so to communicate this to these two hayseeds, I raised a finger to the sky.
Apparently the good people of Tulsa find that finger offensive because they pulled over, we’re yelling at each other, when up pulls a Tulsa policeman. He says, “Okay, break it up and move along.”
I go, “You heard him, girls, the man said to move along.”
The cop snaps, “Sir, I’m fixin’ to take you to the station and I don’t mean the bus station.”
I’m telling Twyla and her mom this story. Twyla says, “Don’t call me to bail you out of jail.”
“I hadn’t planned on it, I was going to call your mom.”
Emma Lou, says, “And I’d do it just to hear the story.
One definition of wisdom is having common sense and no one ever had more common sense than Emma Lou. Her only lapse in judgment was liking me so much.
Many have said, “Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.” Much of Emma Lou’s common sense came from not being afraid to fail. She didn’t mind trying things and learning from her failures.
More than once, my back up plan was for Emma Lou to bail me out of jail. Once when I was storming out of the house to confront my boss on something, she yells, “Call me if you need bailed out.”
I go, “Actually, Emma Lou, I think a night in jail would do me a world of good.”
Have a great Sunday and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1212, 4/14/23, The Show Me State
I’m originally from the state of Missouri or what we like to call North Alabama today.
I used to be proud to be from Missouri, but not anymore. Missouri used to be a swing state, but in 2020 the former president won by 17 points. Remember their senator, Josh Hawley, giving the January 6th rioters the fist pump moments before they stormed the capitol and had him running for his life like the coward he is? They say they believe in freedom, but only if you believe in what they do. If your beliefs are different, they don’t want you to have any freedom. They want to ban science, abortion, the history of slavery in America, and especially books they find offensive.
The State Library Association is suing the state over banned books, so the state has cut all funding for libraries, even though the state constitution says the state is to fund them. My sister-in-law, Ruth, says that shouldn’t be much of a problem since there aren’t that many in Missouri who know how to read.
Missouri used to be known as the Show Me State. Missourians didn’t just take the word of someone, they wanted to see the evidence and decide for themselves, which seems contradictory to banning a book that someone else deems inappropriate. So I have a suggestion for Missouri libraries.
When our niece, Amelia, was in high school, her school had a Banned Book Week. In the library was a table of books that people wanted to ban so students could check them out and decide for themselves. This would go a long way to educating the good people of the state and it is a beautiful way to poke a finger in the eye of those who want to stifle people thinking for themselves.
To quote another former Missourian, Mark Twain, “Each man must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, which course is patriotic and which isn’t, to decide against your conviction is to be an unqualified and excusable traitor both to yourself and to your country, let men label you as they may.”
Have a great weekend and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1211, 4/13/23, The Easter Rooster
I’m not afraid of birds, I’m petrified! But, think about it, birds have been around for 60 million years, they survived the dinosaurs, they outnumber humans by 40-60 times more, crows not only play jokes on each other, they communicate danger to each other. In fact, there’s a crow in Baltimore who has figured out the automatic doors at a Home Depot, she flies in and steals supplies to build her nest. It’s only a matter of time before they figure out weapons.
When the kids were young, we ordered pizza every Wednesday night while Twyla took a night class. One Wednesday I open the door for the pizza, a bird flies into the house. I scream and run out, leaving the kids to fend for themselves. A minute later, Keith, who is five, comes out, “Daddy, there’s a bird in the house.”
“Yeah, I know. Go get Maggie, we’re having a picnic this week. Oh, grab a couple of chairs so we don’t have to sit in the snow.”
The bird I’m most afraid of is the chicken. I assume this comes from my childhood. On Sunday morning my Grandma Rowan would grab a chicken by the neck and violently swing it around, then snap the chicken’s head off. This headless chicken proceeded to run around the yard while Grandma’s dog, Tilly, chased it. Of course, I watched this horror from the safety of Grandma’s screened in, back porch.
Chicken’s are why I feel safe around Twyla. When Twyla was a little girl she and her brothers received Easter chicks. Her Easter chick went to live at her Grandma Coffey’s farm and grew up to be a mean Easter rooster.
Once Sunday Twyla’s Easter rooster spurred her on her bottom. Twyla’s mom said the only reason it attacked her was he knew Twyla was afraid of it. Her mom’s advice was the chase the rooster so it would know she wasn’t afraid.
The following Sunday when Twyla’s family visited her Grandma Coffey, Twyla jumped out of the car and immediately started chasing the Easter rooster. Her brothers thought this looked like fun and they developed an Easter rooster relay. Twyla would chase it until she got tired, then her brother, Dana, would chase it until he got tired, then her brother, Delmar, would chase it until he got tired and Twyla would take another turn. They chased the Easter rooster until it stopped, took three gasps of breath, gasp, gasp, gasp, and dropped dead. I’m sure they had fried chicken that night.
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1210, 4/12/23 (Remaster #170, 5/3/20) I Got 99 Problems
Today’s Laughter Matters contains language not suitable for younger people. You may want to wait to listen to it until they are not around.
During the pandemic our cat, Mr. B, was singing, “I got 99 problems, but the bitch ain’t one.” I have no idea when he started listening to Jay-Z, but I found out the bitch he’s talking about is me.
Twyla says, “You’re losing an argument with a cat, if that isn’t a cry for help, I don’t know what is.” That was when I realized, maybe I wasn’t handling the stress of the pandemic as well as I thought.
If you’d like a night of CLEAN, stand-up comedy, join me this Friday and Saturday night at one of my favorite comedy clubs ever, Crackers in Indianapolis. Shows are at 8 pm both nights and tickets are available at www.crackerscomedy.com.
Take care and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1209, 4/11/23, My List of 37 Friends
I have spoken about my List of 37 Friends in the past.
Late one night, driving home after a show, Twyla commented on how few people I consider friends. She made a list of 37 people I think of as friends and, being obsessive-compulsive, the list has remained at 37. Whenever I meet someone I think could be a friend, I have to figure out who to drop from the list before I can add them. One of our two children is perpetually on the bubble of being dropped. I don’t want to say which one, but she knows who she is.
One of those on the list is my niece, Amelia. She is intelligent, well read, and funny. I was texting with her recently and told her she is on my list . She replied I was on her list of 15 friends and one of them was a dog and three of them were cats. Again, what’s not to love? She has cats on her list.
And to our child who is on the bubble, my birthday is coming up and a new bike would go a long way to moving you out of danger.
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1208, 4/10/23 (Remaster #157, 4/20/20), Management Monday, It All Started with a Big Bang
Twyla and I watch only two things on television. We watch the KC Royals during the baseball season and reruns of whatever show we chose for that off season. One off season we watched House, another we watched Elementary. We spent one Christmas break laying in bed like John and Yoko bing watching WKRP. This off season we watched the Canadian show Murdoch Mysteries. When covid delayed the baseball season, we returned to watching The Big Bang Theory and it has nothing to do with Sheldon’s difficulty hugging others or the compulsive way he knocks.
Somehow, when we originally watched it a few years ago, we developed the habit of listening to the theme song until I jump in singing the line, “We built a wall,” Twyla follows with, “We built the pyramids.” Even if she is in another room, if she hears me say, “We built a wall,” she’ll jump in with, “We built the pyramids.” In unison we finish singing, “Math, science, history, unraveling the mystery, it all started with a big bang,” and we yell, “Bang,” which scares our normally docile cat, Little One and she runs out of the room. We aren’t being mean, it’s the only exercise she gets.
During the latest binge of The Big Bang Theory, I started reading the vanity cards Chuck Lorre posted at the end. I have really enjoyed them because they are funny and sometimes address the difficulty he has writing one a week, which comforts me with the difficulty I sometimes have writing these daily.
Number 532 he talked about a magical spell that changed his life and was simply the three words, “I don’t know.” He believed this lack of knowing creates a vacuum and nature hates a vacuum, so she, eventually, fills it. I think it is great advice for anyone in management.
If we have learned one thing during the past three years it is we are not able to predict the future. Who would have thought we’d live through a worldwide pandemic, certainly not me? I feel like I have started three or four times to get my business back to normal, but have been derailed by something new on the horizon. I have changed in the fact that I continue to make plans as I did before the pandemic, yet I am open to new opportunities as they arise in our post-pandemic world.
By the way, our son-in-law,Justin, worked with Jim Parsons in the movie about Ted Bundy titled Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile which you may see on NetFlex. Justin is the defense attorney in the Colorado trail and has one of the best lines in the movie. After Ted Bundy escapes, the judge asks, “Where’s your client,” Justin responds, “I have no idea, your Honor. They don’t teach you this in law school.”
Have a great week and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1207, 4/9/23. Easter
My brother-in-law, Delmar, is, maybe, the smartest person I know. He reminds me so much of Twyla’s dad because he is quiet, yet possesses a great sense of humor.
He texted me recently saying he was watching something called Fear of the Walking Dead, when a commercial for the Church of the Resurrection came on inviting everyone to Easter services. I’m not sure if they planned it that way, but it sure made me laugh.
I wish everyone a joyous and happy Easter and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1205, 4/7/23, Yogi Bear
My comedian friend, Stewart Huff, has a bit about bears eating out of trash cans in Yellowstone. He quotes one ranger saying, “We don’t have a bear problem, we have a trash can problem because there is an overlap between the smartest bear and the dumbest human.”
Anyone who’s watched Yogi Bear knows that. Yogi and Boo Boo were constantly outsmarting Ranger Smith. You know Yogi’s licking his chops anytime he sees someone wearing a red MAGA hat because his picnic basket will be easy pickings.
Although I believe the former president’s followers aren’t the sharpest people, they do seem capable of learning because this week, when the president was indicted in New York, he’d called for his supporters to rally much as he did on January 6th, yet only a few people showed up. As with so much the former president did when he was in office, we are in for some interesting times head, but maybe there will be less political violence.
Have a great weekend and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1204, 4/6/23, (Remaster #161, 4/24/20) How I’ve Lived My Life
A few years ago I was driving home in an Iowa blizzard where the snow is coming down so hard you couldn’t see out the windshield, I’m having to look out the side windows to stay on the one lane of interstate that is plowed. I couldn’t pull off because I’d be past the exit before I’d see the sign. When I got home, I tell Twyla, “My plan was to drive until I wrecked, then I’d figure out what to do.”
She says, “That is pretty much how you’ve lived your life.” The woman is not wrong.
New weekend I will be at Crackers Comedy Club in Indianapolis. Tickets are available at crackerscomedy.com. Take care and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1203, 4/5/23, Pretend it’s the 1950’s and Get Me A Drink
Our daughter, Maggie, used to be in Cincinnati Shakespeare’s production of Every Christmas Story ever Told. One of the other actors, Billy, would ask her to get him a drink and, when Maggie refused, he’d say, “Pretend it’s the 1950’s and get me a drink.” I went as often as I could because I wanted to be there on the night when Maggie snapped and beat Billy to death.
Recently I saw a list from the 1950’s of ten pieces of advice for women to ensure they have a happy marriage. Wow.
These include having dinner ready for your husband, taking 15 minutes to freshen yourself up so you look nice for him, preparing the children so they look presentable and your husband can be proud of them, having a drink ready for him, and greeting him with a smile.
It further goes on to say don’t burden him with your problems, listen to him, and make the evening his because he is under a lot of stress, strain, and pressure at his work.
First of all, you know a man wrote this, right? This doesn’t describe a wife, it describes a domestic servant. When I bought the Honda Civic with the naked lady mud flaps, my dad said, “What you need is a Cadillac.”
“No, Dad, what I need is a maid.” And this was what I had in mind when I said that.
Secondly, I’ve had a lot of jobs in my life, but I can’t think of any that were as stressful as trying to live up to this ideal of being a wife in the 1950’s.
Finally, we have come a long way from this to the 1980’s when Roseanne Barr said, “When my husband gets home, if the kids are still alive, I’ve done my job,” but I know we have a lot further to go before there is equality between men and women in America.
Sadly, Maggie is the consummate professional and she never killed Billy during the Christmas show. It seems like a missed opportunity.
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1202, 4/4/23, Stuck in Dayton
Last weekend I was doing a set at the comedy club in Dayton. Driving home the traffic is crawling on I75 south when I see a road sign saying two right lanes closed ahead. The problem was there are only two lanes on the interstate. I wondered if we were just going to sit in traffic for the multiple years it takes for the Ohio Department of Transportation to finish a road project? Good thing I brought granola bars.
Or, maybe they have a bunch of burley men ahead who are carrying one car at a time through the construction zone. That’d be cool.
Then it dawned on me. Dayton, OH is the birthplace of the Wright brothers, the birthplace of aviation. I bet everyone in Dayton has a flying car, which means I am stopping at the first Dayton car dealer and trading in the Honda Civic with the naked lady mud flaps for a flying car because it’d sure make going through Indiana easier.
Unfortunately, they have a single file line of cars driving on the shoulder of the road through the construction zone. I was so disappointed.
Take care and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1200, 4/2/23, Palm Sunday
Today is Palm Sunday when Christians celebrate Jesus’ triumphantly riding a donkey into Jerusalem.
Although we don’t attend church, we do enjoy those funny church signs like, “Seven days without Jesus makes one weak,” and weak is spelled w-e-a-k. 0“Tweet others as you’d like to be tweeted.” My favorite is, “Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him.”
One Palm Sunday when our children were young, we’re driving and Twyla says, “You never see a funny church sign for Palm Sunday.”
I go, “I’ve got it. Jesus is riding my ass.” It was a long walk home, but, in Twyla’s defense, she didn’t want the kids to be that close to a lightning strike.
Take care and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1198, 3/31/23, The Fish Fry
Last time I visited Mom, she wanted to go to the VFW for their Friday night fish fry at 4.30 in the afternoon. I never eat before noon or 1 pm and Twyla and I usually have supper around 7, so 4.30 is either a bit early or late for me to eat a meal.
We’re meeting my brother, Michael, and his wife, Ruth. Ruth tells us to be there at 4.15 and, because we’re all scared of Ruth, Mom and I are there at 3.55. The good news is we got a hell of a parking spot.
I ask the guy selling tickets if I get a free AARP membership for eating so early. He says, “I don’t know, I’ll have to ask the guy in charge.”
Being from Missouri, Mom was disappointed they didn’t have catfish, but she did enjoy the fried shrimp. It was a good thing we went so early because by 5 the place was packed.
It’s put on by the Knights of Columbus, so they sold beer and raffle tickets. When Micheal was buying his raffle tickets, the guy says, “If you can’t stay for the 7.45 drawing, we’ll call you if you win”, which is good because, when you eat at 4.30, it’s hard to stay up past 7.
As we’re leaving, the guy selling tickets tells me they don’t have any affiliation with AARP. It seems like a missed opportunity.
Have a great weekend and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1197, 3/30/23, My Funeral
My cousin, Dee Ann, and I were talking about funerals, because we’re at that age. I said my wife, Twyla, will, probably, shove my lifeless body out of a moving car into a ditch on a country road outside of Cincinnati.
Dee Ann says, “If you tell me, I’ll make sure you get the funeral you want.”
“Dee Ann, who do you think came up with the ditch idea? You may need to help Twyla shove me out of the car and it would nice if you said some nice things about me.”
Dee Ann says, “If you want me to say something nice, I may have to lie.”
“Well, Dee Dee, in death as in life, I am not above lies.”
She goes, “And you probably only have 25-30 years left, I may want to get started on that.”
Dee Ann always makes me laugh and you know how much laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1196, 3/29/23, (Remaster Episode 111, 3/5/20) Oral Roberts and the Devil
Years ago I saw the televangelist, Oral Robets, telling the world the Devil broke into his house and was strangling him. Oral said he hollered for his wife, she came a running, scared the Devil away. I can’t get Twyla to bring me a roll of toilet paper. If the Prince of Darkness shows up, I’m a goner
We laugh at that, but the exact same thing happened to my Aunt Maxine, although the police investigation never determined why she was in Oral Robert’[s house…but we got her back on her meds and the Devil’s leaving her alone.
It is a little known fact that, on his deathbed, Oral Roberts predicted 2020 would be the end of the world when the four horsemen of the apocalypse arrived, Death, Famine, a pandemic, and Keith Richards quits smoking.
Three years into the pandemic, I feel the world has changed in many ways, some good, some bad, but if Keith Richards can quit smoking, I can certainly adapt to these changes.
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1195, 3/28/23, All I Got Was a T-Shirt
Our daughter, Maggie, studied at Oxford one semester during college and all I got was a t-shirt.
I’m wearing my Oxford t-shirt at the comedy club one night and one of the other comedians asks,”Did you go to Oxford?”
“No, I’m not smart enough to go to Oxford. I’m only smart enough to be able to pay for a daughter to go there.”
The day Maggie flew to England, my mom and I took her to the airport, watched her board the flight, then cried the entire way home.
The first person I see when I get back home is Maggie’s friend, Lydia. Lydia is so excited, “Did Maggie get off to England.”
“Listen, Lydia, we’re not going to talk about Maggie for a couple of days because I’ve cried enough.”
Our grandson, Kai, is in England this week for a school, spring break trip. The day he left, Maggie was at our house and she says, “I don’t think I could put a child of mine on a plane to England without going with him.”
“Really, I wouldn’t know anything about that.”
Take care and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1194, 3/27/23,(Remaster Episode 150, 4/13/20) Management Monday
I spent 12 years as a hospital CFO and CEO and my favorite Director of Nurses was named Sue Kinder. Sue had worked at the hospital in Frederick, OK for 30 years, but as a charge nurse. I made her the DON after being there six months and I never had a better working relationship.
Sue and I both had a temper, but we seemed to get angry at different stuff. Sue had a nurse just out of school and the nurse spent more time flirting with the doctors than caring for patients and it infuriated Sue. About the third or fourth time Sue was going to meet with this nurse, she hands me $43, saying, “That’s how much it costs to bail someone out of jail for assault and battery, you may be getting a call.”
Later I called Sue into my office and told her I don’t blame her for being so mad,but it does worry me she knows how much it costs to bail someone out of jail. As I tried to give her $43 dollars back, Sue says, “As long as that nurse works here, you better just keep it.”
But sue taught me one of the greatest lessons of management I ever learned.
We had an employee, Lisa, who worked in Medical Records and the floor. Lisa was the ideal employee. She would do anything you asked her to do, always with a smile on her face. Lisa came down with a liver ailment and it didn’t take her very long to eat up all of her PTO time.
On the Monday of the payroll when Lisa would not get a paycheck, Sue walks into my office, asking, “Kent, I’m never going to use all of my PTO time, do you mind if I donate some so Lisa gets a check?”
I go, “I don’t care.”
Sue says, “Then take some of my PTO and make sure Lisa gets a check.” She starts to walk out, turns, and says, “Kent, you’re never going to use all of your PTO time.” Sue shamed five of us into donating PTO time so Lisa got a paycheck the entire time she was out.
On Lisa’s first day back, she came to my office to thank me. I go, “Don’t thank me, it was all Sue Kinder’s idea.” Sue was the epitome of the Golden Rule, she treated Lisa as she would have wanted to be treated and Lisa would have walked through hellfire for Sue Kinder.
On Management Monday, I want to encourage you to treat your employees as you would want to be treated.
I am glad to say I never needed to use that $43 and returned it to Sue when I left the hospital. Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1193, 3/26/23, Genealogy Will Only Cause Trouble
A few years ago, my wife, Twyla, and I were spending a summer evening in bed watching a baseball game when a bat flies into our bedroom. As it is circling with the ceiling fan, Twyla screams and jumps under the covers while I run out of the room, shutting the door behind me.
Twyla is screaming for me to open the door so she can get out and I’m explaining that we have the bat trapped and saying it’s not my fault she doesn’t have any leg speed. Finally, she convinces me to open the door and she and the bat escape.
Recently Twyla has been researching the genealogy of both sides of our family. I told her in the pre-internet days when my Uncle Calvin was researching Mom’s family, my Granddad Rowan told him, “That will only cause trouble. What if you find we’re related to a horse thief?”
I told Calvin, “I think a horse thief is the best we can hope for.”
Last night Twyla is showing me all the famous people she’s related to including John Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln, Babe Ruth, and the first man to break the four minute mile, Roger Bannister. I told her, “Too bad you got your leg speed from Babe Ruth and not Roger Bannister.”
Granddad Rowan was right. Genealogy only causes trouble.
Have a great Sunday and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1190, 3/23/23, (Remaster LM, Episode 118, 3/12/20) That Water Ain’t Fit to Drink
My Grandma Rowan had a well where she got her water. A few years ago I was visiting my parents and, while on my run, I see Grandma out getting her water. It was winter, so I ran down her lane to help her, saying, “Grandma, I feel better if you’d wait for one of the boys to get your water in the winter.”
She responds, “I’d feel better if you had a 9-5 job, but you don’t see me complaining.”
“Fine, break your hip.”
When my brother, Michael, turned 10, Grandma thought he was responsible enough to get the water from the well on his own. He’s out a couple of minutes, when he comes running back in, huffing and puffing, without a drop of water.
When Grandma asks why he doesn’t have any water, Michael explains that when he brought up the bucket from the well, there was a ten foot long, poisonous snake on the handle, so he ran back in because he didn’t want to die.
Grandma says there are no ten foot long, poisonous snakes in Missouri and I’m thinking he’s going to screw this up for the rest of us.
Grandma goes to the well, pulls up the bucket and, sure enough, there’s a ten foot long, poisonous snake on the handle and for the first time in my life, I agreed Michael had done the right thing.
Years later Grandma said it was about eight inches long, but it looked ten foot long to me.
She grabs the snake, lets him loose in the yard and he slithers under the house and I’m thinking, “We can’t ever go in the house again.”
Grandma tells us it’s a garden snake and all the things it did for the farmers, but we weren’t hearing any of it. Finally, she says, “Michael, that snake was, probably, as scared of you as you were of it.”
Michael says, “If that snake was scared of me as I was of it, that water ain’t fit to drink.”
Grandma was born on this day in 1905. She would be 118 years old today and she never forgot that laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1189, 3/22/23, (Remaster Episode 90, 2/13/20) Word
A few years ago, following a show in Detroit, two women hit on me. This is a rare occurrence because my act is full of stories about my wife, Twyla, our children, and our grandson. They ask if I want to accompany them to a bar. I tell them, “Thank you, but I am going back to my hotel.”
“We could go to your hotel with you.”
“Yeah, I am sure Twyla would not approve of that”
I couldn’t wait to tell Twyla. She responds, “Did they not see your act?”
My routine after is a show is to go to my room for a couple of beers, listening to the recording of the show, and re-writing on the new stuff from that show, then, just before going to sleep at 1 or 2 am, I check Facebook to make sure our two grown children are still alive.
That night Maggie had posted something political and a guy replied with something vile about women in general and Maggie in particular. Maggie’s husband, Justin, her cousin, Jon, her brother and brother-in-laws had all jumped all over him, a couple even threatening him with violence.
I posted for this guy, “If you would spend less time trolling on Facebook, you could get a job and afford to move out of your mom’s basement.” That was a mistake. For the next hour my phone dinged every minute or two with this guy sending me private messages, the last one saying, “If you say one more word, I’m calling the police and having you arrested.”
This is stupid. First of all, I think the Detroit police have bigger problems at 2 o’clock in the morning than settling an online dispute, but, secondly, I learned a long time ago on the playground at Shotwell School in Richmond, MO, when you stand up to a bully, they back down. I reply, “Word.”
He responds, “I like you,” to which I tell him to do something to himself that is physically impossible.
Today I want to encourage you, if you want to reduce your stress, reduce your time on social media. Research shows it is addictive, it causes us anxiety, depression, and stress, plus, like that night in Detroit, it is a waste of your valuable time.
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters. .
LM, Episode 1188, 3/21/23 (Remaster 144, 4/7/20), A Little Help From Our Friends
Baseball is a cornerstone of my relationship with my wife, Twyla. We both loved playing the game, although she throws and hits better than I ever dreamed of, and her knowledge of the game was a critical factor in us developing a relationship.
When we were getting to know each other, I asked her who was the greatest third baseman to ever play the game. Immediately she responds, “Brooks Robinson,” which is, obviously, the right answer to everyone who ever saw him play with the exception of the famed sports reporter, Frank Deford. Frank claimed the greatest third baseman was Mike Schmidt, a point I unsuccessfully argued with him at a book signing a few years ago. It’s a wonder Frank ever found a woman to marry him.
The day I heard Frank Deford died, I thought, St. Peter is, probably, right now saying to him, “Mike Schmidt? Did you never see Brooks Robinson play?”
The Orioles’ first baseman during those years when Brooks was on third was a big, fun loving guy named Boog Powel. Boog was well known around Baltimore, often picking up cracked crab on the way home from an afternoon game and sitting on his front stoop to eat, drink beer, and chat with his neighbors.
Boog kept a clipboard in the dugout to track every time he had to scoop a ball out of the dirt or jump to catch a ball over his head that Brooks Robinson had thrown to him just to remind the third baseman that he wouldn’t have 16 Golden Gloves without the help of his friends.
I believe all of us are happier and more successful because of our friends and teammates.
If you are enjoying Laughter Matters, please leave me a review and recommend it to your friends. Wash your hands frequently and thoroughly and always remember laughter matters
LM, Episode 1187, 3/20/23, (Remaster Episode 108, 3/2/20), Management Monday
My Grandma Rader had a wicked sense of humor. Once when Dad was little,someone commented how much he looked like his mother. Grandma told Dad, “Thank the nice lady.”
One Sunday morning when I was ten our preacher mentioned my name at the beginning of his sermon. Grandma whispered to me, “Oh, my, this can’t end well for you.”
And when mom heard me laugh out loud in church, Grandma’s premonition came true, it’s like she’s Nostradamas or something.
In school I was a class clown, but not the typical one because I made good grades. I’d be in class thinking, “I understand this, maybe I can deprive someone of their education.” Like Grandma Rader, I’d say something to my friends under my breath and they’d laugh and in school, like in church, it’s the person who laughs that gets in trouble.
When I was in the eighth grade, I had an English teacher, Mr. White, who became a hero of mine because in the eighth grade I was completely immersed in puberty and Mr. White was married to a former playboy bunny.
After a couple of weeks of school, Mr. White asked me to stay after class and I thought, “Maybe he’s going to have me over for supper.”
Mr. White says, “Kent, I can’t have you continuing to disrupt class, how about, if you are quiet all week long and do your work, the last five minutes of class on Friday is yours? You can get up in front of the class and make us laugh before we go home.”
“Okay.”
I immediately started watching Johnny Carson’s monologues every night so I could steal jokes. “Evil Knievel jumped over 25 cars last night. Unfortunately, there were 26.”
And when I heard a group of people laugh, it was the most joyous sound I ever heard and I behaved all year for Mr. White because I lived for those Friday afternoons.
Just before the pandemic, Evil Knievel wanna be, Mad Mike Hughes died when his homemade rocket crashed while he was trying to prove the earth is flat. It’s unusual when, quote, “trying to prove the earth is flat,” isn’t the dumbest part of a sentence. That award goes to, “died in a homemade rocket.” Evil Kenevil used a Harley for his stunts, not a Schwinn with a lawn mower engine.
Humans have known the earth is round for 2500 years. Pythagoras and others observed eclipses and figured it out. Today for Management Monday I want to encourage you, don’t be like Mad Mike. Base your business decisions on facts, not on what you hope to be true.
Years ago when I was doing accounting for home care agencies, Medicare changed how they were reimbursing them. I met with all of my clients, informing them, if they didn’t cut the number of visits per patient, they were not going to be in business long.
I had a client, one of the nicest people I ever met, yet she refused to believe reality, insisting that God would keep her open. She didn’t last 90 days.
Pythagoras said, “Truth is so great a perfection that, if God would render himself visible to men, he would chose light for his body and truth for his soul.”and, if Pythagoras were here today, I am sure he’d say, “never ride on a homemade rocket.” Always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1186, 3/19/23,
I haven’t had a haircut for, maybe six months. I’m starting to look like Doc Brown from the movie Back to The Future. If our son, Keith, is listening, that’s the Johnny movie.
I am really missing my stylist from when we lived in Kansas City. I have had a few episodes on Jamie in the past. Not only is she one of the people on my List of 37 Friends, she is a great stylist. I always looked forward to my monthly haircut with her because I knew she and her mom would make me laugh.
For about a year after moving to Cincinnati, I would go to my mom’s stylist once a month when I would visit Mom in Chicago, but she quit working on Fridays. She suggested I go to Kensie, not MacKensie, simply Kensie. I have absolutely nothing in common with young women, I can’t imagine how painful it would be to have to chat with someone named Kensie.
Twyla goes to a Sports Cut close to your house in Cincinnati. I’ll be honest, I have never been in a Sports Cut, but I have looked in the window of a couple. It would be worse than Kensie because not only would I have to talk with a young woman while getting my haircut, I’d have to talk sports with the young men while we wait.
I’ve tried convincing Jamie to travel to Cincinnati once a month for a haircut and some laughs, but she doesn’t think she can do that for the $20 I pay her.
This weekend, I broke down and got an appointment with one of the other stylists at Mom’s salon in Chicago. As I’m walking out the door for the appointment, Mom says, “Don’t let her cut it too short, you look better with longer hair.”
“Really, Mom. Fifty years ago you sent me back to the Crowley barbershop because you thought my hair was still too long.”
She says, “I didn’t want you to become a pot smoking, hippie.”
“I don’t think the length of my hair determined that.”
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1184, 3/17/23, (Remaster 132, 3/26/20), Typhoid Freddie
We really miss our neighbor’s in Missouri. They were 10 years younger than us and had three children. In the 15 years we lived there, we enjoyed watching their three children grow up.
When the youngest was in preschool, the class had a stuffed frog that went home with a different child every night. The frog is named Freddie the Frog, but I call him Typhoid Freddie. Be careful saying something like that, it’ll ruin a child’s fifth birthday party.
She wanted me to hold Freddie, but I said I couldn’t because I don’t look good with pinkeye.
Who thinks this is a good idea? Seems like there would be less painful ways to teach children about germs?
But I read an article about the real Typhoid Mary. She was born in Ireland and immigrated to the United States when she was 15. She became a cook in New York for wealthy families. It is suspected she was infected before birth as her mom had typhoid fever while she was pregnant with Mary. Mary had no symptoms of Typhoid Fever, but is suspected of infecting 51 people, three of whom later died.
She was a cook and one of the families hired a Typhoid researcher, named George Soper. They didn’t suspect the cook because cooking temperatures would kill the virus, until George learned Mary made ice cream for all of the families she infected.
She spent most of her life in quarantine.
With today being St. Patrick’s day, I hope you will appreciate the hardships all immigrants coming to America experience. Twyla’s Irish ancestor came to America as an indentured servant when he was a teenager. I remember reading that the Irish were told the streets in America were paved with gold. When they got here, they found not only were the streets not paved with gold, they weren’t paved at all, and the Irish had been brought here to pave them.
Should you happen to touch Typhoid Freddie, be sure to wash your hands, have a safe St. Patrick’s Day, and always remember laughter matters..
LM, Episode 1183, 3/16/23, Lying Fox
My comedian friend, Stewart Huff, talks about the bear problem in Yellowstone. A ranger said they don’t have a bear problem, they have a trash can problem because there is a significant overlap between the smartest bear and the dumbest human.
Anyone would be able to deduce that if they watched Yogi Bear. He and Boo Boo were always outsmarting Ranger Smith. Yogi has to get excited when he sees someone come to the park wearing a red, MAGA hat. You know their picnic basket will be easy pickings.
Court documents revealed recently that the people working at that dumpster, Fox News, knew what the former president was saying about the election being stolen from him was a lie, but they kept airing stories about it. Tucker says he passionately hates the former president, but was afraid the former president would destroy the network if they didn’t go along with him. Even though he talked on the phone every night with the former president while he was in office, Hannity says he was, “disgusted,” by the former president’s actions,but kept lying to his viewers about the election because he was afraid to lose viewers.
The personalities, Hannity, Ingram, and Tucker were angry with the New division for broadcasting the truth about the election because their viewers didn’t want to hear the truth and Fox would lose those viewers. Does that seem like the tail wagging the dog?
But you have to hand it to Fox. They have brain washed, maybe brain it too strong of a word, they have conditioned their viewers to believe that every other new outlet in the world is lying and only Fox is being honest. That way Fox can spoon feed their viewers whatever reality they want them to believe.
Mark Twain said, “The glory which is built upon a lie soon becomes a most unpleasant encumbrance. How easy it is to make people believe a lie and how hard it is to undo that work again.”
My Granddad Rader used to say, “An honest man’s pillow is his peace of mind.” I doubt the wealth and fame Hannity, Ingram, and Tucker have today will be worth the damage to their souls when one of their children or grandchildren ask them how they could knowingly lie to the world.
Take care and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1182, 3/15/23 (Remaster Episode 121, 3/15/20), Beware of the Ides of March
The first I ever heard of the Ides of March was after hearing my Grandma Rowan say, “He’s deader than Julious Caesar,” and I read Shakespeare’s play.
“Beware of the Ides of March,’ the prophet warned Julious Caesar. If we’re to believe Shakespeare, Caesar mocked him just before being stabbed to death on March 15, the Ides of March. And I’m sure it happened that way because I’m certain Shakespeare did what all writers do, consult Google.
“He’s deader than Julious Caesar.” The political elite were angry with Caesar’s populist agenda and, because Caesar had proclaimed himself dictator for life, a group of senators decided to give him a term limit by stabbing him to death. Later, one of the conspirators, Brutus, issued a coin with the cap of freedom between two knives and the words, “Ides of March.” Seems like a confession to me.
Brutus proclaimed, “sic semper tyrannis,” after killing Caesar, which is Latin for, “Thus always to tyrants.” After shooting President Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth yelled, “sic semper tyrannis,” which may be the last thing Lincoln heard. It is more eloquent than the last thing President Kennedy heard. Seconds before being shot, Nellie Connelly, said, “Mr. President, you can’t say Dallas doesn’t love you.” Knowing Kennedy’s sense of humor, I think he’d enjoy the irony of those words.
I am amazed and a bit disheartened after 2,000 years, humans are still arguing and killing of the same ideas. I just hope when I’m deader than Julious Caesar people will remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1181, 3/14/23, Happy Pi Day
Today, March 14, 3.14, is the day that math and science nerds the world over celebrate Pi Day, the mathematical constant of 3.14 that is the circumference of every circle regardless of size. Twyla’s school is having her wear a t-shirt with the Greek letter Pi on it. I don’t even want to know what craziness is going on there today.
My friend, Dennis, who may be the person who has been on my List of 37 Friends the longest, is a former science teacher and a great runner. The stars aligned last Pi Day for him. He was hiking in West Virginia when he came upon a group of runners about to start a race. When he asked them what was happening, they said it was a Pi Day race. Dennis changed into his running clothes and shoes, jumped in, and, even though he is 73 years old, he won. His prize was a pie that he proceeded to eat for supper. He was overjoyed telling me this story.
If you’re like me and not really into Pi Day, take heart, the much less cerebral holiday of St. Patrick’s Day is just three days away.
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1180, 3/13/23, 116, 3/10/20, Daylight Savings Time, thanks Germany
I’m sorry I missed yesterday. I guess the older I get, the more difficult it is for me to adjust to changing to Daylight Savings Time.
My Grandma Rowan refused to participate in daylight savings time because she’s say, “The cows want to be milked at the same time regardless of what those hoodlums in Washington thought.” Instead of changing time, like Arizona, she changed time zones and everyone in the family had to adjust to her.
Speaking of Arizona, before the pandemic, Twyla and I would go to Arizona to the Kansas City Royals’ Spring Training and we’d plan it around the weekend of Daylight Savings Time because Arizona didn’t change time, we’d not lose the hour until we returned to Kansas City.
Whoever invented Daylight Savings Time obviously never tried putting elementary school children to bed at 8.30 when it’s still daylight outside. And it always happened during the last two months of school when all of us were tired of the school routine.
Well, like so many evil things in the world, daylight savings time was a German invention. During WWI Germany went to daylight savings time to save fuel and the rest of the world quickly adopted it. I have never been in the military, but I would suspect it would be considered rude to be late for a battle. If you’ve agreed to kill each other, the least you could do is be punctual.
I wish you success in adjusting to daylight savings time and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1178, 3/10/23, The Jewel Box
When I was young and lived in Kansas City, I would run after work with a group of runners. We often ran past a hole in the wall bar about 46th and Main called the Jewel Box. The front door had a diamond shaped window which you could peek in to see the show that was going on at the time.
One of the runners, Norman, who considered himself quite a lady’s man, stopped every time we went by to peek in that window, then would spend the next mile describing the beautiful woman dancing onstage. This was funny to the rest of us because Norman seemed to the only person in Kansas City that didn’t know the Jewel Box put on drag shows.
The state of Tennessee this week decided to outlaw drag shows for fear it will corrupt the youth of the Volunteer State. I’ll be honest, I have never seen a drag show, but I have seen Eddie Izzard’s comedy. Eddie often dresses in women’s clothing and it has never made me want to put on a dress and pumps.
Florida Governor, Ron Desantis, who seems to be leading the charge on many of the tyrannical laws, just wrote a book titled The Courage To Be Free. Seth Meyers says it is available wherever books are still legal. The irony is conservatives are all for freedom as long as it is something they condone. What about the freedom to learn about slavery in America? What about the freedom to be an openly gay teacher? What about the freedom to see a fucking drag show?
When Harry Truman would partake of liquor, he’d say he was striking a blow for liberty. I think I will strike a blow for liberty and attend a drag show.
Take care and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1177, 3/9/23, But I Don’t Want to Think About What I’ve Done
Our grandson, Kai, has been staying with us this week, which means Twyla makes me eat at the table instead of on the bed watching TV.
Whenever Kai stays with us, he brings his cat, Fray. Fray has lived his life among two large puppies, so he acts more like a dog than a cat. Fray knows he isn’t supposed to walk on the counters and the table, but he defiantly does it anyway.
Our cat, Remus, has accepted Fray fairly well, they play together in the morning, but Remus is still suspicious of him.
Kai stays upstairs and this morning, instead of going up the 14 steps to make sure he’s up, I called his cell phone, saying this is your 7 am wake up call. He grunts. I go, “Oh, and tell Fray his room service will be there momentarily.” Another grunt.
When I tell Twyla there is lots of humor wasted on him, she says, “Not everyone is up for your humor in the morning.”
At supper the other night I remembered one of my favorite Kai moments. His dad had taken him in the other room to talk about his behavior. We couldn’t hear anything that was being said until Kai blurts out, “But I don’t want to think about what I’ve done.”
None of us do, Kai, none of us do.
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1176 ,3/8/23 (Remaster LM, Episode 109, 3/3/20), I’m Scared of Zenia
A few years ago I got a call from a woman named Zenia from Holton, KS.
Zenia is a social worker at the hospital in Holton. She calls me, “I saw you speak at the Kansas Home Care conference and I loved it. I do a nursing conference here and I want you as the keynote speaker.”
I’m available for the date, but when I start discussing my fee, she says, “I have $1,000.”
I tell her, “Let me help you find someone who’s fee is close to your budget.”
Zenia says, “No, you’re going to be the keynote speaker and you’lll need to do it for $1,000,” so I accepted because, quite frankly, I was scared not to. .
I have known many social workers over the years, I have never met one as assertive as Zenia. But Zenia explains how vulnerable nurses are to stress and burnout and she was determined, by hook or crook, that she was going to bring them an hour of content to help them reduce both and one filled with laughs and, in the process, she reminded me why I do this. Thank you, Zenia. I know you’ll always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1175, 3/7/23, Louisville, KY
What a weekend. I was scheduled to do shows at the Caravan Comedy Club in Louisville Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Driving to the club Thursday night on Baxter Street, I hit six consecutive red lights, which is weird, but what was weirder was the guy in the lane next to me would stop at every red light, but, when there wasn’t traffic coming, he’s go through it like it’s a four way stop sign.
Friday the weather was wrath of God stuff. It poured rain all day, causing flooding, then came 70 mile an hour winds, tornados, when I was going to supper, it was snowing, “Okay, God, I get the point. Don’t destroy Louisville to get me to change my evil ways.”
The power at the club was knocked out, canceling my shows for that night.
About 8 pm I went to supper at Outback, making the mistake of sitting at the bar next to Pete from Florence, KY, just across the Ohio River from Cincinnati. Pete was just like the guy who has become his parents on the Progressive Insurance commercial who chats with everyone on the hotel elevator.
When he finds out I live in Cincinnati, but am from Kansas City, he talks in depth about the games between the Chiefs and Bengals over the past two years. He tells me of not one, but two harrowing experiences he had with rental cars in Kansas City. One was confiscated by the Overland Park Police because it had been used in a murder. They had to get his fingerprints and DNA so they could rule him out of the evidence.
The second one he was driving in Kansas and a Kansas Highway Patrolman pulls him over and draws his gun. It seems someone switched license plates on the rental car with one from a stolen car.
Although Saturday dawned a beautiful, sunshiny, spring day, the power was never restored to the club and I was back home Saturday night for supper.
Louisville, you never cease to surprise me.
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1174, 3/6/23, (Remaster Episode 115, 3/9/20), Management Monday
I read a book called the Bastard Brigade by Sam Keen. One of the main characters, and I do mean characters, was Moe Berg. Moe was a former major league baseball catcher turned spy. He was not the typical ballplayer, speaking multiple languages. Once, when a reporter mentioned to one of Moe’s teammates that Moe spoke eight languages, the teammate responded, “and he can’t hit in any of them.”
Once when the St. Louis Cardinals catcher, Tim McCarver, went to the mound to talk to Bob Gibson, Gibson told him to get back behind the plate because the only thing Tim knew about pitching was he couldn’t hit it.
I was also a catcher who couldn’t hit, but by some miracle or getting hit by a pitch, I did get on first, one thing everyone knew was in two pitches I’d be standing on third because I had all sorts of speed.
Everyone has skills and weaknesses. Today for Management Monday I encourage you to get training for your employees to improve their weaknesses, especially your supervisors and managers because the number one factor is keeping quality management people is they are offered training to help them develop marketable skills to help them advance with you or another company.
Have a great week and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1173, 3/5/23 (Remaster Episode 117, 3/11/20), What Do Your Scars Say About You
The last play before the pandemic we got to see our daughter, Maggie Lou, in was titled Alabaster by Audrey Cefaly. Maggie played a woman covered in scars after surviving a tornado that kills her family. Kelly Mengelkoch played a photographer taking pictures of women with scars to tell their stories.
One line stuck with me, our scars tell a lot about us. I have multiple scars on my right knee from two different incidents, one in my right eyebrow, one on the back of my head and one on top of my left shoulder and the stories of these would tell you I’m stupid.
I got the one on my shoulder my sophomore year in high school I was boxed in on the last turn in a race on the Chillothe, MO track. Attempting to get into an outer lane, I get pushed into the fence on the inside of the first lane cutting my shoulder.
Our coach cleaned it and put athletic tape to stop the bleeding because I was the anchor of the mile relay.
When we got home he took me to the emergency room to get stitches in it. As the nurse is removing the tape, she goes, “Who was the idiot who put athletic tape on this?”
The idiot was standing right there. The idiot and I couldn’t stop laughing.
We all have physical and psychological scars and regardless of the stories about how we got them, they all say the same thing, we are survivors of life, an accomplishment in and of itself.
Have a great Sunday and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1171 (Remaster Episode 104, 2/27/20), You’re a Comedian
Recently, going through airport security, the TSA woman looks at my driver’s license, “Kent Rader? Kent Rader? You’re a comedian.”
I go, “I am? Well that explains a lot.”
When our daughter, Maggie, was in college, I took her and her boyfriend, Chris, to Strouds Restaurant in Kansas City. Chris loved Strouds because his grandfather used to take him there when Chris was a kid.
As one often has to do at Strouds, we had to wait for a table. I ask if they want something from the bar and Chris says he’ll have a Shirley Temple because his grandfather used to get him one.
I get to the crowded bar, order a beer for me, something for Maggie, and Chrirs’s Shirley Temple. The bartender asks, “What, are you a comedian?”
I go, “Yes I am but what does that have to do with my drinks?”
Have a great weekend and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1170, 3/2/23, Girl Scout Cookies
Last Sunda.y I’m riding my bike on the Cincinnati Bike Trail. As I’m passing a restaurant on the trail, three Girl Scouts and their moms are selling Girl Scout cookies. The girls are yelling at everyone passing and one yells at me, “They’ll make you go faster.” I don’t know about you, but I think that kind of creativity needs to be rewarded.
I stop and buy a box of cookies. As one of the moms is getting my change, I tell the three girls, “I can count on you three to have the good taste to not tell my wife about this little indiscretion, can’t I?” Two of them are quick to agree, but the youngest looks perplexed. She says, “I don’t know your wife.”
“Good, the less you know the better.”
I put the box of cookies in the back pocket of my bike jersey and head out for the remainder of my ride. The first bike to pass me, the guy sees the cookies and says, “Good purchase.”
I go, “According to those Girl Scouts they’ll make me go faster, so next Sunday don’t expect to be passing me.”
We both laugh and you know how much laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1169, 3/1/23,Happy Anniversary Twyla.
I fell in love with my wife, Twyla, at first sight. As you can imagine, it took her longer. But I remember that joyous day when she dropped the restraining order and said, “Fine, I’ll marry you.” What can I say, she was drunk once.
Today is our 37th anniversary.
Like anyone in a long term relationship, we’ve had troubles and once we went to a counselor. The counselor asks, “What has kept you together?”
In unison, we said, “We make each other laugh.” I’m convinced the key ingredient in our relationship is laughter.
We were talking about how long we’ve been married and she says, “We’ve gone through so much in our time together.”
I reply, “Oh, it hasn’t been that bad.”
Twyla says, “Maybe not for you.”
Thank you, Twyla, for showing me how much laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1168, 2/28/23, Dear God Tell Me You Have an Act
Years ago the old Stanford’s Comedy Club in Kansas City decided they could sell tickets by booking celebrities to perform. The problem is most celebrities have never done stand up.
I was to feature for an actor named Owen Benjamin who is headlining the show. Normally the feature does 30 minutes and the headliner does 45 minutes. The first night, Owen and the owner tell me Owen has only about 25 minutes of material, so they need me to do 50 minutes in front of him. Owen’s act consists of 15 minutes of weak material, then he does ten minutes of filthy songs he sings while playing an electric piano.
Thursday night’s show, two shows Friday and two shows Saturday night, I do my 50 minutes.
Sunday night I walk in and Owen asks if I can do an hour. It seems that every time he does a club, he buys a piano at Target and returns it at the end of the week before flying home. Since he had an early Monday morning flight home, he had to return the piano before the show and was down to just 15 minutes of material.
I ask him how much he’s making and determine he’s making $100 more than me. I tell him can do it, but will need a hundred dollars. He claims he doesn’t have $100 and I tell him he better go get paid before I get off stage.
Walking off stage he hands me a hundred dollar bill.
From that day on, whenever Stanfords had a celebrity that they knew didn’t have an act, they’d call me to do 45 minutes to an hour in front of them.
A few years ago I’m headlining at the Comedy Caravan in Louisville. Early Friday morning I go to a radio station to do an interview. Sitting in the lobby is Tom Wilson, the guy who played Biff in the Back to The Future movies. After I say hello, the person sitting with Tom introduces me and says Tom is headlining at the other comedy club in town. I go, “Dear, God, please tell me you have an act.”
Tom laughs out loud. Ends up, Tom is a seasoned comedian and has a wonderful act. Do yourself a favor and watch Tom’s video called Biff’s Question Song. It ends up, Tom is recognized for being Biff and gets asked the same questions over and over about the Back to Future movies,so he wrote a song you can see on YouTube called Biff’s Questions Song. It’s wonderful, but I’ll admit, I was a little bit hurt he didn’t include my question, “Dear, God, tell me you have an act,” in it..
If you’re in Louisville this weekend, I will be headlining at the Caravan Comedy Club. Tickets are available at thecaravan2017.com. Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1167, 2/27/23, (Remaster Episode 87, 2/10/20), Whitey Herzog for Management Monday
Last week spring training started and for Manage Monday I wanted to talk about my favorite St. Louis Cardinals manager, Whitey Herzog. When asked what a manager needs for success, Whitey responds, “A sense of humor and a good bullpen.” And Whitey certainly had the sense of humor part.
When he managed the Royals and they were in a slump, Whitey told the team, “If we’re going to lose, lose quickly.”
Whitey had only four rules for his team
Be on time.
Bust your butt.
Play Smart.
And have some laughs while you’re at it.
I believe these should be applied to every organization. Too many American businesses don’t want to waste time and money training employees they may lay off in six months, so they have replaced training with a plethora of rules they believe cover every situation employees will encounter. The problem is no one can anticipate every situation employees will experience and when an untrained employee is presented with a situation not covered by the rules, they will be afraid to think and act and your customer’s needs will go unmet.
Today I encourage you to eliminate unnecessary rules at your organization and follow Whitey’s example. Be on time, work hard, work smart, and have some laughs along the way. I hope you have a great week and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1166, 2/26/23, Cold Shower
We have a shower in our bathtub. You run the water to get it warm, then turn on the show. When you finish you have to turn off the shower or the next person will get blasted from above with cold water.
My wife, Twyla, almost always takes her shower first and a couple of weeks ago she forgot to turn off the shower. When I turned on the water, I was shocked to be hit with ice cold water from above. It was almost as shocking as following the State of the Union Speech, I found myself in agreement with Arkansas Governor, Sarah Huckabee Sanders when she said the choice in America is between normal and crazy. Sarah, the first step in change is admitting you have a problem.
Two nights ago I apparently forgot to turn off the shower and last night was one of those rare nights when I took my shower first and, turning on the water, I’m blasted with cold water above. As my Grandma used to say, life just isn’t fair.
Have a great Sunday and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1164, 2/24/23, Mike Preston’s Treadmill
Sunday I had lunch with my comedian friend, Mike Preston. Mike has had some health issues recently and has started exercising. He has a bit that says, “I know when you look at me you wouldn’t think I’d like exercise and you’re right.”
I ask him how his exercising is going. He says, “I don’t want to say the equipment at my gym is old, but the treadmill has an ashtray.”
I hope Mike continues exercising because I want him to live a long time. He always makes me laugh and you know how much laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1163, 2/23/23, Be Careful What You Ask For
I’m afraid three years of Covid has caused people to forget how to behave in a social setting. When you sign on to do a club weekend, you know it is not like a theater or a speaking engagement. There are lots of distractions and disruptions. You have people ordering drinks, waitstaff dropping dishes, people throwing up, the worst is when they drop the checks and the whole audience quits listening to you and starts trying to figure out how much to tip. It is evident whatever multiplication they are teaching in school today isn’t working because people have to pull out their phone’s calculator to figure it out.. Come on, really? You can’t multiply 20 percent in your head?
But this weekend was the weirdest.
During my show on Friday night a couple on the front row have a pizza delivered. I don’t mean they ordered pizza from the waitress and she brought it with their drinks. No, a Dominos’ pizza delivery guy walks up to the front table, pulls out three boxes of pizza from his insulated sleeve, and has the guy sign the receipt. I wouldn’t have minded as much if the delivery guy had bought a ticket.
Later when I paused to take a drink, the guy yells, “We have some leftover pizza up here if anyone wants it,” and three people come up for a slice.
I’m doing 90 minutes and with 30 minutes to go, four women join us. When I ask what brings them to Kenosha, they say they’re on a girl’s weekend away. Being sarcastic, I go, “Well welcome. There’s pizza down here if you’d like some,” and damn if two of them don’t come down for a slice.
After the show the guy asks if I want any pizza. “No, thank you. I think I’ve had enough of the pizza for tonight.
Last week I had a Laughter Matters about how I have a sixth sense that I know when someone’s about the heckle and I just start speaking to drown them out. I invited anyone who wanted to heckle me to come to the Kenosha Comedy Club to do so. Be careful what you ask for because Saturday night a guy at a different front table did just that. I don’t think he meant to be disruptive. He really enjoyed the show, but he lacked the social skills to be allowed out in public. He wanted to comment on just about everything I brought up.
When I said men of our generation classify women as being either a Ginger or a Mary Ann after Gilligan’s Island, he points to his wife, yelling, “She’s a Ginger.” At one point he yelled, “Arkansas,” even though Arkansas didn’t relate to anything I was discussing.
Between my sixth sense and Ginger occasionally cupping her hand over his mouth to shut him up, we survived the show.
The following day I’m telling my comedian friend, Stewart Huff, about everything. I mention my sixth sense that notifies me when someone’s about to talk so I can talk over them, he says, “I wish I could develop that. When someone yells at me, I never understand what they’re saying, so I ask them to repeat themselves.”
I find this hilarious and ask, “Does that work?”
Stewart says, “It never ends well.
I hope you will join me in going to Stewart’s shows at Wiley’s Comedy Club in Dayton this weekend. I’m not buying a ticket. I’ve comendered a Domino’s Pizza delivery shirt and am delivering pizza to whomever is at the front table.
Take care and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1162, 2/22/23, (Remaster LM, Episode 88, 2/11/2019) 1967?
With spring training starting this week, I was reminded that the kids at our Panera Bread in Missouri not only have their name on their name badges, they have their passion. “My name is Steve, my passion is music.” “My name is Kate, my passion is dance.” A few years ago I thought I can connect with Lexi as her passion is the 2011, World Champion, St. Louis Cardinals.”
“Lexi, I have been a Cardinal fan my entire life. I actually went to game six of that World Series with our son. They were a great team, but the best team I ever saw was the ‘67 Cardinals.”
Lexi says, “So, Like, 1967?”
“No, 1867, the war was over, times were good.”
If you are looking for a funny keynote speaker with quality content, visit my website at www.kentraderspeaks.com and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1161, 2/21/23, (Remaster LM, Episode 89, 2/12/20) If I Had Two Faces, Would this be the One I’d Wear?
Yesterday was President’s Day, celebrating both George Washinton’s and Abraham Linconlon’s birthdays. President Lincoln was known for having a great sense of humor and much of it was self-deprecating. When a political rival accused Lincoln of being two faced, he responded, “If I had two faces, would I be wearing this one?”
Lincoln once approved a favor a Congressman was asking from the war department, but when the Congressman told Secretary of War Stanton about it, Stanton refused to do it, responding if Lincoln approved it, he was a fool.
The disheartened Congressman returned to White House, telling Lincoln Stanton wouldn’t do it and telling the President what Stanton called him.
Lincoln responded that if Stanton called him a fool, he must be one because Stanton was usually right about such things.
There are many benefits to a self deprecating sense of humor. First of all, the safest person to make fun of is you, but it also humanizes you, it helps you connect with customers and coworkers, but, maybe the most important benefit is it gives those around you permission to use their sense of humor.
Have a great day and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1160, 2/20/23, (Remaster Episode 96, 2/18/20), I Can Tell A Lie, but Won’t
George Washington’s birthday is this month. George supposedly told his father he couldn’t tell a lie. Mark Twain said, “I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie. I can, but won’t.”
Research shows learning to lie is a natural part of a child’s brain development between the ages of 3-5 years old and I was fortunate to be there when our son, Keith figured out lying.
When our kids were young, they went to the office with me one morning a week. You know a three year old can’t read, but they recognize those golden arches. One morning our daughter, Maggie, says, “Daddy, there’s a McDonalds, let’s get ice cream.”
In my defense, Twyla had numerous times explained to these two the difference between good food and treats and they can’t have a treat until they have good food, so I go, “You know your momma won’t let you have ice cream for breakfast.”
Keith’s face lights up, “Hey, let’s not tell her.” He looked so proud, convinced he was the first person to realize you don’t always have to tell the truth.
If you manage people, I believe the number one quality you must possess is honesty. Barry Posner says the number one expectation our employees have is we always tell them the truth. Frank Navaran says there is no justification for ever lying to employees. We are our employee’s best source for honest, accurate information and honesty is the cornerstone to a trust based relationship. Be like Mark Twain, have a grander standard of principle that our founding father, even though you can lie, don’t.
And to my two children, I expect a quality birthday gift this year or I’m telling your momma about the ice cream breakfast you had in 1989.
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1159, 2/19/23, Good Memories
The Chiefs won the Super Bowl last Sunday. We lived in Kansas City in 2020 when they won it the last time. It had been 50 years since their last Super Bowl win and Kansas City went nuts. For more than an hour the city was awash with so many fireworks, they showed up on weather radar.
Our cat, Mr. B, spent the night under the blankets of our bed thinking we were under attack.
After the Kansas City Chiefs won last Sunday, I texted my friend, Jeff, to congratulate him. Jeff is a huge Chiefs fan and he shared that he watched the Chiefs win the Super Bowl in 2020 with his dad, then ten days later his dad passed away. My dad was a big Chiefs fan and he too is gone, but got to see them win in 2020.
When I developed a love for playing sports, it was Dad who played catch with me, both baseball and football, in the back yard until his arm would give out on him. He took me to Kansas City Royals games when I was a kid and the biggest thrill of my young life was when he came home from work one Saturday night to say he had gotten tickets to the Chiefs game. This was during the 1969 season when the Chiefs would win their first Super Bowl and, ironically, since we live in Cincinnati today, they played the Cincinnati Bengals. The Chiefs won 42-22, but the game was much closer than the score would indicate.
Today one of my favorite pictures of Dad is him wearing our son, Keith’s,Kansas City Royals’ World Series ring. He has a smile that radiates both joy and pride.
I am thankful for these memories and I believe Dad and Jeff’s dad are cheering this Chiefs’ victory. Have a great Sunday and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1157, 2/17/23, Heckler
Today’s Laughter Matters has language not suitable for children, so you may want to listen to it when the little ones aren’t around.
The President got heckled last week at the State of the Union Address. I know the hecklers are quite proud of themselves and there have been plenty of jokes about them on Social Media.
When I first started doing comedy, someone told me a heckler will never win because I have a microphone, I think quickly on my feet, and I’m sober. Although I don’t get heckled often,it has proven true. What I get are people in the crowd wanting to talk to me or commenting on a joke. Although it is not meant to be, it is disruptive and, in the past 20 years, I have developed a sixth sense. I can feel when someone is about to talk, so I go right into my next line, even if it does step on some laughter.
The worst heckle I encountered was one night in a comedy club when I was working on what has become one of my favorite bits, one I call Oak or PIne? It is about me not being handy with tools, but my wife, Twyla, is. Halfway through the bit, some guy yells, “You’re a pussy.”
I immediately say, “Sir, I’ll be with you in a minute,” which is like putting him in time out so he can think about what he has done. I am seething as I continue with the remaining two minutes of the bit. When I finish, I look in the heckler’s direction and say, “Okay Chatty Cathy, you have something you want to talk with me about?’
It is obvious that his wife or girlfriend has told him to shut up because there is silence.
I continue, “Come on, you were a big man yelling at me a few minutes ago, now’s your chance.”
Silence.
I go, “Now who’s the pussy,” which brought the room down. It was at least a minute of wall to wall laughs before I could continue.
If you’d like to heckle me, come to the Kenosha Comedy Club tonight and tomorrow night at 8 pm. Have a great weekend and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1156, 2/16/23, Barbie’s Dream House
Recently I call my friend, Janet and asks, “What are you doing?”
She replies, “Building a Barbie Dream House.”
“Janet, you and I lead vastly different lives.”
Ten minutes later my friend, Robert, calls. Robert is a conservative, God fearing man in his early eighties. First thing he says is, “Kent, guess what I’m doing.”
I reply, “Building a Barbie Dream House?”
Nothing but silence. Finally, Robert simply says, “No.”
“Okay, Robert, I give up, what are you doing?”
Take care and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1155, 2/15/23, Kenosha, WI
This weekend I will be in one of my favorite place, Kenosha, WI. Kenosha is a native American word meaning, “A bar on every corner.” Seriously, the loneliest place in Kenosha has to be an AA meeting.
A guy came up after a show there once and says, “We don’t have a bar on every corner. Some blocks have a church, but you can get a drink in there on Sunday.”
Far be it for me to say they drink too much, but inebriation is the only way I can explain ICE fishing. I’ve never been so drunk, bored, or hungry that I would fish when the lake is liquid. How drunk do you have to be to say, “Pete, let’s drive this 6,000 pound truck onto that frozen lake, drill a hole in the ice, and fish.”
“But, Frank, won’t we get mighty cold?”
“Hell no, we’ll build a fire on the lake.”
I will be performing at the Kenosha Comedy Club this weekend, Friday and Saturday nights at 8 pm. Tickets are available at happeningsmag.com. Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1154, 2/14/23, (Remaster LM, Episode 81, 2/4/20,) I’m Too Big to Fail
I am sorry about yesterday, but it wasn’t my fault. Last week after writing and recording Sunday’s segment about people calling in sick after the Super Bowl, I was running and the thought hit me it would be funny for the next day’s segment to call in sick.
When I told it to Twyla, she laughed out loud, so it is her fault because, as my Grandma Rowan used to say, “Don’t laugh at nothin’ he says, it only encourages him.” Like everything I write it is intended to make Twyla laugh. But I am only reciprocating because she makes me laugh.
The other day we’re listening to a story about Boeing’s financial problems caused by their poorly designed 737 MAX airline. It was stated, like the car companies and banks ten years ago who engaged in financially risky behavior, Boeing is too big to fail.
I commented, “I wished I were too big to fail.”
Twyla pats my stomach, “Soon you will be.”
I want to thank my good friend, Berg Shaffer, for voicing Jerry the cat yesterday. He is someone who never forgets laughter matters.
LM Episode 1153, 2/13/23, REPLAY LM, Episode 80, 2/3/20, Kent Calls In Sick
Hello, this is Kent’s cat, Jerry. I am the HR Manager at Kent Rader Speaks. Apparently Kent’s Super Bowl party got out of hand and he called in sick today. I am sorry, but please join him tomorrow and always remember catnip kills.
LM, Episode 1152, 2/12/23 (Remaster LM, Episode 79, 2/2/20), Super Bowl Sunday
Happy Super Bowl Sunday. Like many of you, I am not a football fan. When Twyla and I have gone to Super Bowl parties, I watch the first half with everyone, then spend the rest of the game in the kitchen with Twyla and the other wives talking about anything other than football.
But this year I’ll be watching the entire game because the KC Chiefs are in it. I’m so old I watched Super Bowl I when the Packers beat the Chiefs, depressing my dad and making me a Packers fan. Three years later I’d seen the error of my ways and was the biggest Chiefs fan in America. I watched the Chiefs win Super Bowl IV. Fifty years later Twyla and I watched the Chiefs win again at a Super Bowl party with our friends Pam, Andy, Cindy, and Scott. During covid, I watched alone as the Chiefs lost the another Super Bowl. This year we’ll be watching with our family at our son, Keith’s, house because he has the biggest television.
Apparently the Super Bowl parties we attend are more tame than the average because I read 17.2 million American workers or 11% of our workforce will call in sick tomorrow. Five percent of those are healthcare professionals, Lord help you if you have a heart attack tomorrow, especially in KC or Philadelphia
A couple of years ago a teenager, Frankie Ruggieri, collected 36,000 signatures to a petition to move the Super Bowl to Saturday so everyone has Sunday to recover. I am sure most of our nation’s churches are against this because they are having enough problems getting people to attend, but I also believe this is a bad idea. I believe going to work may be the only deterrent the other 89% of American workers have to not go crazy. Who knows what kind of debauchery, decadence, depravity may go on if people have the next day off.
Have a relaxing Sunday, remember laughter matters, and go Chiefs.
LM, Episode 1150, 2/10/23, Remus Quotes Mark Twain
I love watching Youtube videos of Craig Ferguson on the old Late, Late Show. I love Sid the cussing bunny, the banter between Craig and Geoff Peterson, and when Craig cracks up. I was watching him tell a joke that cracked him up. The old saying is if you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman, and if you want nothing said or done, ask a cat.
Well, our cat, Remus, was offended by this. He daily fights the neverending battle against a hanger under the quilt, he is single handedly trying to rid the world of salmon, and he keeps us on our toes every time we come in the front door by trying to run outside.
Then he quoted Mark Twain who said, “The one animal that can’t be made the slave of the lash is a cat. If man could be crossed with a cat, it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat,” which begs the question, where did he read Mark Twain?
Like Mark Twain, Remus makes me laugh and you know how much laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1149, 2/9/23, Help Dr. Rick
I’ve told the joke about the guy who spends 30 years complaining about his job shoveling elephant dung for the circus. When one of his friends suggests he quit, the guy replies, “And give up show business?”
Last month I had a show in Fairfield, IA. The theater got a hold of some old promoting material that included an opening act I used to have with me, a mistake I only discovered two days before the show. It was a great show. One of those shows that is so much fun for me I’m still awake at 3 am afterwards.
Last week I received an email from a guy who went to the show. He said he and his wife had a great time, but he was upset because the show was marketed to have two comics. He said he’d contacted the theater about his complaint and they told him there were no refunds.
I replied asking him how much he spent for his tickets and I would send him a check.
I receive a reply stating he spent $46 for tickets. He says, “I would accept $20 total, if that sounds fair to you, since we did enjoy the first half as I mentioned; just a bit over the top for us for the same style/person in the second half when we expected a different comic.”
I actually felt sorry for this guy, like he could really stand to talk to Dr. Rick from the Progressive TV commercials to not become that old guy. How pathetic is your life that you invest time to complain to the theater about a show you enjoyed and, when they didn’t refund you any money, you search for my email address and write two emails all for $20?
I sent him a check for $46, but as I was putting it in the mail, all I could think was, “and give up show business?”
If you are enjoying Laughter Matters, please tell your friend or leave me a review so they will know how much laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1148, 2/8/23, Happy Birthday Dad
Recently we had a surprise party for Mom’s 90th birthday. Our whole family went to Chicago to be with her. Walking in my brother’s house where she thought we were just going to have lunch with just the two of them, she’s talking about one of her friends having a stripper at her birthday. When everyone jumped out from behind the sofa, Mom didn’t miss a beat. She looks at Maggie’s husband, Justin, and says, “There’s our stripper.”
After lunch with everyone, Mom’s friends from her neighborhood came by for cake. It was a joyous day. .
Three years ago today I took Mom and Dad out for dinner and to a jazz bar for his 90th birthday. It ended up being the last thing we got to do together before the pandemic hit. Dad was the picture of contentment with a drink in one hand and the other tapping to the rhythm of his beloved jazz music.
He’s been gone for 18 months and everytime I think of that evening, it makes me smile. Happy birthday, Dad. You taught me so much, most importantly how much laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1147, 2/7/23, Randy’s Dead
Yesterday I mentioned how awful many comedy club managers are. Maybe the worst was a guy named Randy who ran the old Tulsa Comedy Club. He and I almost came to blows over $80 he owed me. $80.
Randy dropped dead of a heart attack. When I heard the news, I felt like Clarence Darrow’s quote, “I never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
Apparently I wasn’t the only one. The week after Randy died, a comic calls the club to try to get Randy to book his next week. When he asks to speak to Randy, the woman answering the phone said, “Randy’s dead. We had his funeral this morning.”
The comic says, “Oh, okay,” and hangs up. Ten minutes later he calls back and asks to speak to Randy. The woman says, “I told you, Randy’s dead.”
He replies, “I know, but I just love hearing it.”
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1146, 2/6/23, Management Monday
Last week I mentioned it was the 20th anniversary of my first set in a comedy club. I had no thought of doing stand up. I had been speaking a few years and wanted to get funnier. My thought was I’d do it for a couple of years to learn the craft, then never set foot in another club because they are awful places.
In those days people smoked during the show. In fact, by the second show Friday and Saturday night, the smoke was so thick you couldn’t see the back of the room from the stage. After doing open mic nights for a couple of months, I came down with my first sinus infection ever. When the doctor and I were talking, we decided it was because I’d been exposed to so much smoke from the club.
Club managers are some of the worst human beings on earth. I think many of them wish they could be comics, but they aren’t funny, so they have chosen to manage a club and exact their revenge for not being funny by being mean to comics.
During one of my first weeks emceeing, the manager in Oklahoma City says, “You’re not having a very good week.”
I defend myself, saying, “Other than the two minutes of new material, I’m doing fine.”
She snaps, “I’m not paying you to do new material.”
The next night I show up at the club and she says, “Stand at the door and take tickets.”
I ask, “Are you paying me to do that?” I’m making $25 a show, what do I care if I get fired.
One Saturday night in Little Rock, as I am performing, a drunk woman at one of the front tables passes out and slides out of her chair under the table. Her boyfriend gathers her up in his arms and walks out of the club. As I am coming off, a woman stumbles back to her table from the bathroom, stands over her punch bowl size glass that had once contained her drink, and pukes. The most amazing thing was every drop of puke went into that glass.
I’m standing at the back of the room and the bouncer, a hefty guy named TLove, walks by me with a bar towel and he’s heaving. When I ask what’s the problem, he replies, “I have to get that glass of barf and I’m afraid I’ll puke.”
I grab the bar towel, saying, “I have children, I’ll go get it.”
Our son, Keith, came to the show and when we got to my hotel room, I said, “This is my last week. I hate this. I’m quitting.”
Keith says, “Dad, you have no idea how special it is you can make 200 strangers laugh.” That was the encouragement I needed to persevere and today I’m glad I did.
Today on Management Monday remember that your words can help or harm others. Choose your words wisely, you never know how they may shape one of your employees’ futures.
And to Keith, thank you for your counsel. You reminded me that night how much laughter matters.
Episode 1145, 2/5/23 IRewritten Episode 102, 2/25/20) Ellen Hates Ben Stein
Every night our daughter, Maggie, brings her dog, Ollie, over to our house for a treat on his evening walk. Even though Olliie doesn’t know our cat, Remus, exists, Remus hates it. He’ll cower under a chair and swat at Ollie’s tail as he passes by. I’m listening to a story about one of the dog shows and when they announced Best in Show, Remus said, “That’s like being chosen best turd in the litter box.”
It seems all of our cats hate dogs. My cat, Jerry, said the neighbor’s dog was the result of Evolution getting drunk and saying, “Watch this.”
I have long lent my voice to our cats which isn’t always easy because our cat, Snickers, spoke nothing but Spanish. When Twyla told our neighbor, Mrs Norman, we were moving from Oklahoma, she says, “I am going to miss hearing Kent speaking for your cats.”
Our cat,Ellen, hated the actor, Ben Stein. You know, “Bueller, Bueller, Bueller.” Although she was normally docile and laid back, when Ben Stein would come on the TV, Ellen would launch into a string of obscenities that would make most blush. Maggie’s college boyfriend, Chris, witnesses this and asks Maggie, “Why does Ellen hate Ben Stein so much.”
Maggie says, “Chris, Ellen’s a cat, Dad hates Ben Stein.”
Chris goes, “Oh, yeah.”
That’s commitment when you get others to buy into your insanity.
But, apparently, I’m not alone. An article in the Atlantic says people routinely talk for their pets, babies, even stuffed animals, so to paraphrase Paula Poundstond, I look pretty sane.
A researcher at Georgetown University found we do this for a number of reason, including a way to buffer criticism, delivering praise, teaching values,resolving conflicts, creating a family identity that includes the pet, and to be funny, which is why I do it, but Twyla worries because often the cats say things that make me laugh. But I think it’s just because they know laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1143, 2/3/23, My First Set
I know I’ve told this before, but there was a guy who complained daily about his job shoveling elephant dung in the circus. When one of his buddies suggested, “why don’t you quit,” the guy replies, “And give up show business?”
Even though I had been speaking for a few years, twenty years ago tonight I did my first set in a comedy club. It was in the Loony Bin in Oklahoma City. After nine months of doing open mic night, I was hired to emcee for the first time in November of that year.
One of the first headliners I worked with was Tommy Blaze. The first night you could sense it was going to be a rough week because he was just a jerk to not only me, but the feature act as well.
That first night, the feature asked, since neither she or Tommy had a car, if I would drive her to the gym every day, she’d buy my lunch. I told her I’d be happy to drive her, but she didn’t need to pay for lunch.
On the second day of this routine, Tommy asks, “Can I go with you?’
I reply, “If you’re not an asshole you can.”
That was all it took. From that point on, the three of us got along great. Tommy and I even did some writing together.
Tommy was a great comic. One show I tanked, the feature struggled, but Tommy was masterful. He threw out his act, talking to audience members and letting those conversations lead him into whatever bit that applied. While he was killing, I was at the back of the room marveling at his skill.
As good as he was onstage, he was equally miserable off it. Between shows, he’d sit with his head on a table in the back of the room saying, “I hate this.” And I am sure if I asked him, “Why don’t you quit,” Tommy would have replied, “And give up show business?”
Have a great weekend and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1142, 2/2/23, The Day The Music Died
Sixty four years ago today, the plane carrying Buddy Holly, The Big Botter, J.P Richardson, and Richie Vallens crashed outside of Clear Lake, IA, an event immortalized in Don McClain’s song, American Pie.
I have always felt a kinship with Buddy Holly. I stop by the Surf Ballroom where he played his last show every time I drive through Clear Lake and have hiked a half mile through a soybean field to see the exact place where the plane crashed. Every night after reading to our children, I would sing Buddy Holly’s True Love Ways.
When Maggie first moved to Cincinnati, she nannied for three bright, well behaved children, Mitchie, Amy, and James. Although they were some of the most well behaved children I ever knew, they had their moments. Maggie asked Mitchie to stop doing something. When he starts doing it again, Maggie asks, “How many times should I have to ask you not to do that?”
Mitchie replies, “Three?”
Maggie says, “How about one?”
Maggie had a video of Mitchie and Amy playing and he is singing every work to American Pie. I have been listening to that song for nearly 50 years and I couldn’t do that. When he finishes, in her sweet, innocent voice, Amy says, “That’s a good song.”
Driving to the theater on Saturday night to do my show, American Pie came on the radio. I took a picture of my car’s audio screen and texted it to Maggie, saying, “That’s a good song.”
Whenever I think of those three children, it makes me smile. Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1141, 2/1/23 (Remaster LM, Episode 103, 2/26/20), Minding My Own Business
I have a routine when I fly. I sit on the right side of the plane in the first few rows against the window. I only talk to people when they talk with me because I write. I write with a purple pen and I often see tray tables on Southwest planes with purple ink on them, meaning I have sat there before.
On an early morning flight to Indianapolis a woman sits down next to me, gets settled, looks over at my writing and asks, “What are you doing.”
I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but when I travel, I get sarcastic. I answer, “Minding my own business,” which makes us both laugh.
My friend, Beth McCombs, posted on facebook she was sitting next to a woman on a plane who tells her she doesn’t fly often, but she and her husband were going on a trip to celebrate his recovering from a serious illness that forced him to learn to talk and walk all over again.
Beth stated, “Everyone has a story. It’s beautiful how some of these stories can leave little imprints on our lives. Inspiration is everywhere, if we open our hearts to it.” Thank you, Beth. Today I hope your heart will be open to the inspiration the world is offering you and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1140, 1/31/23, Kai is Always Welcome
Our daughter-in-law, Kate, texted me this week asking if our grandson Kai could stay with us whie they were out of town. I replied, “No.”
Apparently sarcasm doesn’t always come through in written communication, so, after not getting a response for a minute or two, I called to tell her I was trying to be funny.
She laughed and said, “Just imagine Keith and me staring at my phone trying to decide if you were serious or not.”
So, Kate and Keith, for the record, Kai can stay with us anytime. You don’t need to ask. And I will try to be funnier next time because you know how much laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1139, 1/30/23 (Remaster LM, Episode 101, 2/24/20), Management Monday
Our cat, Little One, was 19 when she died. She was angry and sarcastic. Whenever I’d scold her, she says, “Why are you mad at me, I didn’t cut your hair.”
When we moved back to KC I had to find a new barber. I chose John because he was within walking distance of the house. Walking to my haircut was the only pleasant part of this experience. On my best day, I’m impatient and John was slow as molasses, which meant we had to fill 30 minutes with small talk. The problem was we disagreed on most everything, politics religion, you name it. I often thought about finding someone else, but being pessimistic, I’d think, “Sure this is bad, but something different could be worse.”
Thankfully John retired and my wife, Twyla, suggested I try her hair stylist Jamie. Jamie and her mom run a beauty shop in their basement and I love going there. They are funny and make me laugh, which is quite an accomplishment. One of the occupational hazards of doing comedy is you watch something funny and you no longer laugh. You say things like, “That’s funny,” or, “I wished I’d thought of that.”
The product, a haircut, is the same. In fact, after one Jamie gave me, Little One said, “If I was that ugly, I’d shave my butt and walk backwards.” The product is the same, but I love going there because the atmosphere is fun and happy. In fact, even though we no longer live in Kansas City, whenever I am there, I get a haircut from Jamie.
If you want happier customers, more profits, and less employee turnover, develop happier employees. It is well documented that our customer relations mirror our employee relations, because, as customer service expert, Emily Yellin, observes, it is virtually impossible for an employee who feels mistreated to care about our customers. I’m not sure where the idea originated that doing something good for employees is bad for business, but the opposite is true.
And to Jamie and her mom, thank you for the laughs over the years. You have no idea how much I need them.
If your organization would like a fun, informative keynote for your next conference, please check out my website at www.kentraderspeaks.com and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1138, 1/29/23, My Chiefs Stocking Cap
Although I am no longer a football fan, I grew up a Kansas City Chiefs fan. I was especially fond of the defense of those Chiefs teams.
Recently I heard a story about one of those Chiefs players, EJ Holub, an alumni of the same college as the Chiefs Patrick Mahomes, Texas Tech University. EJ got injured on a play and when the coach came to the field to see if EJ was okay, he asks, “EJ, where did you get hit.”
EJ replies, “Right here coach, I haven’t moved an inch.”
Today we live in Cincinnati and, on the day of the AFC Championship game between the Chiefs and Cincinnati Bengals last year, I made the mistake of wearing my Chiefs stocking cap while running. At least once a block someone would yell, “Who dey.” That is until I took it off.
The Chiefs and Bengals return to the AFC Championship game tonight. The Bengals have beat the Chiefs three times in the past two years, but I would never count out a team guided by Patrick Mahomes. Although I care nothing about the outcome, it should be a great game. And after it is over, I will retrieve my Chiefs stocking cap from the drawer where it has languished all week.
Have a great Sunday and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1136, 1/27/23, Happy Birthday, Ruth
I have known my sister-in-law, Ruth, for nearly 50 years and have struggled to remember the exact day of her birth. I’m always within a day or two, but I’m not sure I have ever gotten it right.
A couple of years ago I was driving to Amarillo to do a show and I just knew it was Ruth’s birthday. I call her, exclaiming, “Happy birthday.”
She says, “Thank you,” and I go, “I finally got it right.”
Ruth replies, “Kent, it was two days ago.”
“Damn, Ruth, I’m sorry, but I think this is as close as I’ll ever get.”
Last weekend something was mentioned that Ruth’s birthday is January 27 and I said, “Really, I somehow think it’s the 29th.”
Ruth says she will get her birth certificate to show me. Now she is calling me a birther after the former president. She really knows how to hurt a guy.
Ruth, happy birthday. I wish you many more because you always remember how much laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1135, 1/26/23, (Remaster Episode 97, 2/19/20), Sunday Morning Donuts
One of the people on my List of 37 Friends, Bob, and I had finished a run one Sunday morning years ago. On our way home, we bought a dozen donuts. The plan was for each of us to eat two and he was taking the remaining 8 home to his wife, father-in-law, and his six children.
We eat our two and Bob grabs a third for both of us, saying, “Melinda and her dad really don’t need that much sugar.”
After eating those, Bob takes a fourth for each of us, saying, “There are always a couple of kids who don’t deserve treats.”
When he grabs another, he says, “We have to eat all of these, I can’t go home with just two donuts.”
And that is the day I ate a half dozen donuts.
If you are enjoying Laughter Matters, please leave me a review and recommend me to your friends and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1134, 1/25/23
A few years ago after doing my Baby Boomer Comedy Show in Menomonie, WI a couple came up and invited me to go ice fishing. I have never been so hungry or bored that I have fished when the water is liquid. I can’t fathom what would prompt someone to drive a 6,000 pound truck onto a frozen lake, drill a hole in the ice, and fish. You know someone asks, “But, Pete, won’t we be cold?”
“We’ll build a fire on the ice.”
When I decline, they tell me their favorite thing to do is to drive onto the middle of the ice, then call their on-star emergency service. “Yes, we seem to be lost.”
The On-star operator goes, “I show you’re in the middle of a lake.”
“Well, that does explain a lot.”
If you would like a night of CLEAN, stand-up comedy, I will be doing my Baby Boomer Comedy Show at the Grand theater in Oshkosh, WI this Saturday night at 7.30 pm. Tickets can be purchased at https://thegrandoshkosh.org/ and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1133, 1/24/23, Sophie Tucker
Today’s Laughter Matters contains language not suitable for younger audience members. You may want to wait to listen to it when they are not around.
A number of years ago I got an email from a high school student saying he is writing a paper on what career he’d like and he wants to be a comedian. His teacher suggested he contact me and asked if I would answer some questions for him.
Although it sounds a lot like homework for me, I answer the questions. The last one is what’s your favorite joke.
I tell him I’m not good at remembering jokes, but my favorite is an old Sophie Tucker one, but, because it’s filthy, my wife, Twyla, won’t let me tell it to him.
Sophie Tucker, The Last of the Red Hot Mommas, was a singer and comedian. Tony Bennet said she was the best jazz singer he ever heard. She told jokes about her boyfriend, Ernie, always beginning with, “I’ll never forget it, you know. Ernie and his friend Louis would sit on the porch of the nursing home all day and I liked getting dolled up and parading in front of them to try to get a rise out of Ernie. One day I wore absolutely nothing. Louis says, ‘Ernie, what’s Sophie got on today?’ Ernie says, ‘I don’t know, but it sure needs ironing.’”
When she performed in Chicago she would play cards with Al Capone after her shows. There’s a story about the FBI director, J. Edgar Hoover coming to see her show, then, because he liked to cross dress, asking if he could have her dress. She said, “Edgar, you’ll never be able to fit into it.”
In the 1950’s she was performing at the Copa City in Miami. She heard the KKK planned on bombing the place the next week because the African American singer, Josephine Baker, was performing. Sophie announced she planned on opening for Miss Baker and if they wanted to bomb it, then they could bomb her too. Nothing more was heard from those racist in south Florida.
Ten years after receiving the email from the high school kid, a young man approaches me after my show at the Kansas City Fringe Festival. It’s that high school boy from so long ago. He tells me he is performing his own show and thanked me for the advice, but asked if I would tell him the joke. Figuring he’s old enough, I say, “Oh, I’ll never forget it, you know. One day my boyfriend, Ernie, says, ‘Soph, if you could learn to cook, we could fire the chef.’ I go, ‘Ernie, if you could learn to fuck we coud fire the chauffeur.’”
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1132, 1/23/23, (Remaster 95, 2/17/20), The Pit of Despair
Have you ever had a job you hated? Hopefully, it’s not the one you had now.
I was hired to be the CFO of a rehab hospital in Kansas City, it was the most money I ever made, Twyla and I have family in Kansas City, the kids would go to great schools, it was perfect. Longest 10 months of my life.
I hated this place, but I had plenty of company. The HR director said she got sick to her stomach every morning thinking about recruiting good people to such an awful place. Every morning on the way to her office, the Director of Nurses would poke her head in my office, saying, “I’m taking the walk of death.”
This was an awful place. It was owned by a company who cared more about profits than employees and patients and they thought the only way to motivate employees was to scream, “If you don’t get this done, I’ll find someone else who will.”
I was working 60+ hours a week when Dennis at corporate calls me about something he thought should have been done according to his unrealistic time schedule, yelling, “If you don’t get this done, I’ll find someone else who will.”
I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but when I’m tired, I get sarcastic. I say, “When?”
Dennis was speechless. Finally he asks, “What.”
“Dennis, you just threatened to fire me. I am working 60 hours a week doing everything I can. If you think you can find someone to do better, fire me now, but don’t ever threaten me again.”
Like all bullies, Dennis backed down and we never had another crossword. But that company couldn’t see how their bullying hurt their business. Productivity suffered because people spent an inordinate amount of time complaining about the place, creativity was non-existent because people were afraid to make a mistake. Their best employees left, because, as Travis Bradberry says, people don’t leave a job, they leave a boss.
Regardless if it’s you or another manager, bullying is hurting your business. Eliminate it or suffer the consequences of reduced profits.
Have a great week and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1131, 1/22/23, (Remaster 69, 1/21/20), Happy Birthday, Mom
Although Mom is older, she can still scare me. A few years ago I took her out to lunch for lunch. The woman sitting at the next table tells her 12 year old, “Let your brother play a game on your phone.”
The kid says, “No.”
“I said, let your brother play a game on your phone.”
“And I said NO, because it’s my phone.”
Mom says, “You know, if you’d ever talked with me like that, the only way you’d see that phone again is to get a colonoscopy. But first I’d turn it on vibrate, and call you all hours of the day and night, bet you’d have a different attitude next time I told you to do something.”
“Come on, Mom, who you kidding, you don’t know how to turn a phone on vibrate.”
Everybody working at the emergency room agreed that was a mistake.”
Yesterday was Mom’s birthday. I wish her many more and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1129, 1/20/23, Congressman Santos
New York Congressman, George Santos, seems to have trouble telling the truth. He says he’s rich, yet he and his sister got evicted from an apartment for not paying rent. He says he worked on Wall Street, but neither firm has any record of him working there. He says his grandmother was in the Holocaust, yet she was Catholic and was born in Brazil.
I have enjoyed the Facebook posts about him. One has him saying, “the Catholic Church was in better shape I was Pope.” After it took Kevin McCarthy 15 votes to be elected Speaker of the House, there’s one of Santos saying, “I was elected Speaker of the House in one vote.” But my favorite has a picture of his in mutton chop side burns saying now that Lisa Marie Presley is dead, George Santos is the last remaining child of Elvis.
Thank you for listening, have a great weekend, and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1128, 1/19/23, Third Street in Quincy, IL
Last weekend after my Friday night show, I spent the night in Quincy, IL. Quincy is an old river town on the Mississippi River. I used to go there once a year to do an audit of the Quincy Paper and Box Company. I enjoyed running on the river road and across the bridge to Quinsippi Island for a lap around an old amusement park that had seen better days.
Saturday before driving to my next show two hours away, I ran on the old river road and out onto Quinsippi Island, running by the empty building that used to be Quincy Paper and Box when a memory popped into my head.
Dad and I were driving down Third Street in Quincy. Out of the blue, Dad says, “When I was in college, Third Street was full of brothels and bars where you could listen to live music on Saturday night.”
“Really, this seems odd coming from a man to once told me he better never catch me in the Corner Bar in Liberty, MO ever again.”
Then Dad adds, “Or, so I hear.”
We both had quite a laugh and you know how much laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1127, 1/18/23, Gilbert Gottfried
I watched a documentary about Gilbert Gottfired. What a wacko. Every trip he stocked up on free shampoo, toothbrushes, soap from hotels. He brought these home and would not let his wife get rid of them. He also never got rid of any of his old clothes. His wife vacuum packed them in bags she kept under their bed. He went from insisting on working clean to being known as a filthy joke teller.
In spite of all his weirdness, he was an attentive son and brother to his two sisters. He had a long term relationship with his wife and was a doting father to his two children, packing their school lunches and leaving handwritten notes for them.
He accompanied his sister to her chemotherapy and she commented how much it helped her because he always made her laugh.
His wife told how devastated she was when her grandmother died. She told Gilbert she could no longer call her grandma every day like she had for years. Gilbert replied, “You can call her. She just won’t answer.” Gilbert’s wife said she was comforted by that because it made her laugh.
For the most part, I don’t enjoy being around comics, but watching this made me wish I’d known Gilbert because he seemed to understand how much laughter matters.
LM 1026, 1/17/23, ( (Remaster Episode 72, 1/24/20), Help Me, Rhonda
Early one morning, walking through the Tampa Airport to catch a flight, I heard the Beach Boys song, Help Me, Rhonda and it reminded me of my Grandma Rader because she was constantly having rebound relationships.
Just joking. Grandma Rader, who loved all kinds of music, loved Help Me, Rhonda and would play the 45 over and over. Although the story of the song doesn’t portray the healthiest of recovery from a bad relationship and it seems it a bit creepy in this Me Too time, the song brought a smile to my face because it reminded me of Grandma Rader.
Grandma Rader was the happiest person I ever knew. She laughed daily and, except early in the morning, always had a smile on her face. She once told me, “I don’t sing because I’m happy. I’m happy because I sing.”
Have a great week and always remember laughter matters.
LM, 1025, 1/16/23, (Remastered Episode 68, 1/20/20), The Time Is Always Right to Do The Right Thing
A few years ago, after doing a speaking engagement in Las Vegas, the meeting planner pays me with an envelope full of cash. Being a former accountant, I wondered if this was some sort of money laundering scheme for the mob.
I go directly to the airport for my flight home. I call Twyla, our son, Keith, our daughter, Maggie, but none of them answer. Finally, I get Maggie’s husband, Justin, “Justin, if my plane crashes, don’t worry about me, I’ve gone to a better place, but get my backpack because it’s full of cash.”
Now when I call Justin, he answers with, “Do I need to get the backpack?”.
I have never been afraid to fly, but, after reading about Boeing’s new 737 Max, I’m might rethink this. After two crashes, Boeing spent a year denying there were problems with the new plane, but recently released emails show Boeing employees knew there were problems. One employee wrote that the 737 Max was, “designed by clowns who were supervised by monkeys.” Another questioned, “Would you let your family fly on this plane? I wouldn’t.”
Boeing seemed to be compromising safety to save money and it cost 347 people their lives. I believe it is appropriate on the Martin Luther King Day to remember Dr King words, “The time is always right to do the right thing.” You doing the right thing at your job may not result in life and death situations, but it builds trust with your employees and customers. The time is always right to do the right thing.
If you or your organization are looking for an entertaining speaker with quality content, visit my website at www.kentraderspeaks.com and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1123, 1/13/23, (Rewrite Episode 70, 1/22/20), What is A Rototiller?
I once did a local, drive time, radio show when we lived in Oklahoma. When we were done with the interview, the host asks me to say for the Tradio show. Every rural radio show has a tradio show where listeners can call in to buy, sell, or trade stuff. One caller says, “I want to trade a rototiller for a good lawn mower.”
I go, “I don’t know what a rototiller does, but my wife is a great lawn mower.”
All day at school, Twyla has students and teachers, saying, “Mrs. Rader, I heard you got traded for a rototiller.”
After school, Twyla’s in the office and the counselor says, “What do you do with a kid who can’t keep his mouth shut and never works to his potential?”
Twyla says, “Apparently, you put him on the radio.”
Twyla makes me laugh, especially when she puts me in my place. Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1122, 1/12/23, A Dick Joke
Today’s Laughter Matters contains content not suitable for young children. You may want to listen to it when the young ones aren’t around.
When we lived in Kansas City, I worked at the old Stanford’s Comedy Club. There was a young comic who took great offense that I worked clean. He was genuinely angry that I got bigger laughs than he did with his array of dick jokes.
One night in the green room, he asks, “So, Kent, have you written anything PG?”
I go, “No, have you written anything funny?”
But this weekend I inadvertently wrote a dick joke and I want to dedicate it to that young comic.
Dick Van Dyke is one of the few times you’ll see dick and dyke together. In fact, you’ll never see those three words together unless it’s in a joke. Two dykes are sitting in a van. One asks, “Where did you get this dick?”
I know it needs an ending, but I don’t want to waste any more time on it. Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1121, 1/11/23, (Rewrite Episode 60, 1/12/20), My apologies to Blue Moon Odum
Fifty-three years ago today the KC Chiefs won Super Bowl 4, beating the Minnesota Vikings 23-7. I was a huge fan as a kid, but unlike most kids, I didn’t care as much about the offense as I did the unyielding Chief’s defense. Buck Buchanan, Emmitt Thomas, Johnny Robinson, but especially linebacker Bobby Bell.
Bobby Bell was the greatest athlete I ever saw. He is not only a great linebacker, member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame, he was the long snapper on punts and field goals, late in the game on Thanksgiving of 1969, Denver tried an onside kick. Bobby Bell picked it up and out ran everyone on the field for a touchdown, a play I make Twyla watch every Thanksgiving day.
A few years ago I returned from my run to my Phoenix hotel. The lobby is full of former professional athletes heading out for a golf tournament and standing there is Bobby Bell. I turn into a 12 year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert.. “Bobby Bell, I’m Kent Rader. You are the greatest athlete I ever saw.””
Standing next to him is former A’s pitcher, Blue Moon Odum. He says, “Hi, Kent, I’m Blue Moon Odum.
I go, “I know who you are, but this is Bobby Bell. He ran back an onside kick on Thanksgiving day against Denver.” Bobby Bell laughs and is very gracious to me.
After two night’s of shows, I fly home to Kansas City. Twyla meets me at the airport and when we get to baggage claim, standing there is Bobby Bell. He says, “Hi, Kent.”
Twyla is impressed. “Wow, Bobby Bell remembered you.”
I go, “Yes, probably like Jody Foster remembers John Hinkley, Jr.”
They say you should never meet your heroes because they will disappoint you. That is not true if your hero is Bobby Bell. And Bobby Bell, if you are listening, next time you see Blue Moon Odum, please extend my apologies. Take care and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1120, 1/10/23, Hee Haw
I grew up in a mixed family and never were the differences more evident than on Saturday night when Dad’s family watched Lawrence Welk and Mom’s watched Hee Haw. Bubbles versus Pickin’ and Grinnin’. It was the Lennon Sisters versus the Hager Twins, which, if it came to a real fight, my money would be on the Lennon Sisters. Sure, they were all smiles, but they had an air about them that said they shouldn’t be messed with.
I don’t know about you, but, growing up in a small town, I just knew one day Buck Owens would say, “Hee Haw salutes Richmond, MO, population 4007, SALUTE.” He never did, but hope springs eternal.
For my taste, I preferred the music on Hee Haw. Give me Buck Owens and Roy Clark any day over Lawrence Welk, but the humor was awful. What do you get when you cross a parrot and a cup of coffee? I don’t know, but it keeps me up all night talking.
Wives are like fishermen. They’re always bragging about the one that got away and complaining about the one they caught.
No wonder my uncles don’t think I’m funny.
As I was writing this, I asked my wife, Twyla, “What was the song they sang about the wife running away?”
Immediately she goes, “Where, oh, where are you tonight, why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and I thought I found true love, you met another and Pfft you was gone.”
And that is why Twyla is the woman for me. Because, her brain is saturated with songs from 1960’s TV shows. ‘
And, if you remember Hee Haw or Lawrence Welk, you are probably a Baby Boomer and may want to join me for my Baby Boomer Comedy Show this Saturday at the Fairfield, IA Arts and Convention Center, Tickets are available at www.fairfieldacc.com. Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1119, 1/9/23 (Rewrite Episode 58, 1/10/20), Enhanced Security
I am often on 6 am, Sunday morning flights because I want to get back to Cincinnati to ride my bike and have dinner with our family. My judgment is often hindered because I am going on just four to five hours sleep and I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but when I’m tired, I get sarcastic
It was on one such Sunday morning flight out of Midway airport in Chicago. Everyone, including me, is setting off the metal detector. The TSA employee, Rick, asks if I have anything in my pockets and, when I say I have a bottle of hand sanitizer, he says, “Put it through the x-ray.”
I say, “If a PLASTIC bottle is setting off your METAL detector, you better turn it down.”
“Welllll, Mr. Helper, you just earned a trip through enhanced security.”
Standing in line at enhanced security, I see the supervisor run up yelling, “Rick,turn that thing down, it shouldn’t be going off on everyone.” If Rick had only listened to me.
Today on Management Monday I want to remind you to listen to your customers. They often have quality ideas for improving your products and service. Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1118/, 1/8/23, (Rewrite Episode 56, 1/8/20), Heartbreak Hotel
Eighty eight years ago today, Elvis Presley was born. Elvis died the day I left for college over 45 years ago, so Elvis has been dead longer than he was alive, which means he used to sing Suspicious Minds, today he’d sing Dementia Minds,
He used to sing Don’t Be Cruel, today he’d sing Don’t You Drool,
And he used to sing All Shook Up, today he’d sing, I’ve Fallen and I can’t Get Up.
Elvis appeared to have everything many people believe will make them happy, fortune, fame, millions of adoring fans pining to get one of his sweat soaked scarves, yet, he was constantly on a cycle of taking drugs to get up for a performance, then taking drugs to go to sleep, spiraling down to an early grave.
Humans are not good at understanding what makes them happy. Many believe more money or more material things will make them happy, while research shows pursuing these makes us unhappy. That same research shows what actually makes us happy are:
- Having quality relationships with family and friends.
- Having a career or hobby we love and that is challenging
- Helping others through volunteering or random acts of kindness.
In order to not end up on Lonely Street, I continue striving to remember the reality of happiness and work towards these instead of things that I know will not bring me happiness and I hope you will as well. Have a great week and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1116, 1/6/23, Poor Kevin McCarthy
If there is someone in America who had a worse week than Republican Kevin McCarthy, I feel sorry for them. Bless his heart, three times this week he has taken a vote to be Speaker of the House of Representatives and, even though Republicans hold a slim majority, he didn’t win. That is the first time in over a hundred years the House didn’t elect a speaker on the one ballot. Heck, the new Democratic leader, Hakeem Jeffries, won more votes than McCarthey.
There seem to be 20 Republicans hell bent on stopping progress. The House can’t function until it elects a speaker, but we’ve seen this before. John Beohner had this problem when he was speaker. Paul Ryan had the same problem when he was speaker. They are letting less than 5 % of the House grind the business of the American government to a halt.
Maybe someone should take a page from the January 6th Committee, act like an adult, and offer to work in a non-partisan way. Either McCarthy or Jeffries could reach across the aisle and ask for a few people of the other party to vote for them with the promise that the House of Representatives could function properly by working on legislation that is important for Republicans, Democrats, and the American people. Sure Republicans won’t be able to endlessly investigate Hunter Biden’s laptop or vote to impeach a president who has not committed a crime, but they could actually do the job they were elected to do and that is govern.
Have a great weekend and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1115, 1/5/23, Second Semester
On the Friday after Thanksgiving the first year my wife, Twyla, was teaching, she cried, confessing to me she didn’t know if she could continue teaching the rest of the year. It was so much harder than she expected.
She made it to Christmas break. The day she returned to school after the break, she naively said, “Well the year is half over.”
Bless her heart. Little did she know school calendars lie. Sure they say both semesters have the same number of days in them, but second semester is twice as long as first because you have all the normal activities, but you add prom and graduation into the mix.
Fortunately for Twyla, she worked around experienced teachers who supported her and helped her through the remainder of the year, including the Tech Ed teacher Mr. Burks.
Mr. Burks is one of those naturally funny people. Our son, Keith, had Mr. Burks and loved him. They had a rule at the school that, after lunch, everyone had to sit in the cafeteria. One of Keith’s friends asked Mr. Burks, “Why can’t we stand up after lunch?”
Mr. Burks replies, “‘Cause standin’ leads to dancin’ and everyone knows what dancin’ leads to.”
The only person who drove an older car than Twyla was Mr. Burks. He drove a truck with two different color doors on it and neither door matched the color of the rest of the truck. One year the superintendent was talking during a staff meeting about a new parking policy and he joked that he only wanted cars that were ten years old or newer parked in front of the school. He says, “So Mr. Burks, you and Mrs Rader need to park in back.”
Mr Burks chimes in, “Mrs. Rader, no matter what you drive, I’ll always make it look good.”
When Twyla finished the school year she commented the only way she got through was because of laughter and research shows she was right. Research has proven laughter reduces stress and improves your health, it helps organizations build collaboration, it helps individuals tap into their creative problem solving skills, and it helps prolong your career.
Two things you can do to bring more laughter into your life and work. First of all, make leaders of those people like Mr. Burks who have the natural ability to make people laugh.
Secondly, take time every week to do things that make you laugh. Watch a movie,read a book, listen to a recording or a podcast, whatever, take time to laugh.
And if you are in Bloomington, IN this weekend and you want to laugh, you must see my friend, Stewart Huff at the Comedy Attic. Tickets are available at www.comedyattic.com. Take care and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1114, 1/4/23
As with most of America, this year we had a Christmas snowstorm in Cincinnati. That morning I woke Twyla with the opening of the WKRP episode where Johnny Fever is playing surf music, Jan and Dean, Beach Boys. He goes on air, saying “Surfs up babies and it’s a beautiful day here in Cincinnati where it’s a blistering 14 degrees outside and the wind is lofting down from the north at about a thousand miles an hour.”
Twyla and I love WKRP. We loved it when it was first on the air and we watched it in reruns over and over again. We say lines from it like, “More music and Les Nesman.” It is part of our shared history, it is part of the shared history of all Baby Boomers in America, but it is so funny it needs to be part of everyone’s life.
I’m doing a set at the comedy club in St. Louis when one of the younger comics sees my WKRP in Cincinnati t-shirt and he says “So, you work in radio?”
“Son, that’s sad. I want you to go home, not to your basement room, I want you to go upstairs and ask your parents about WKRP in Cincinnati. More than likely they have the DVD boxset and you will laugh out loud.”
And all you Baby Boomers, I will be doing my Baby Boomer Comedy Show on January 14 at 7.30 pm at the Fairfield, IA Arts and Convention Center, Tickets are available at www.fairfieldacc.com. Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1113, 1/3/23,
Our son-in-law, Justin, drove my Honda back to visit his parents for Christmas. I am sure the excitement his mom felt having him home was dampened by having a car in the driveway with naked lady, mudflaps. That joke is for you long time listeners.
I always get black interior on my car because, yes, it’s hot in the summer, but it doesn’t show all the coffee I spill while driving, plus the car always smells like a nice Sumatran blend.
Years ago I had a black, IROC Camaro with black interior. I loved that car and held onto it even after we started having children.
We were visiting my mother-in-law for my wife, Twyla’s, birthday. Twyla’s mom always made and decorated birthday cakes for the family. When we left, she sent the remainder of the cake home with us. We put it on the floor of the back seat. Our son, Keith, was three and, during a stop on our trip home, he decided he could let himself out of his car seat. He unbuckled the restraint, jumped right into the middle of the birthday cake, and tracked white icing all over the black, cloth interior of the back seat.
The car now smells like coffee with a hint of birthday cake. We traded it the next week for a Mazda station wagon and my youth ended.
Have a great week and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1112, 1/2/23, Management Monday
I was on a 6 am, Saturday morning flight to Dickinson, ND because I’ve made some bad choices. All I want to do is go back to sleep, but when the flight attendant asks the young man sitting next to me how old he is and he replies 14, she proceeds to do the entire safety lecture just for him. I was once a 14 year old boy, the last thing he wants is to be treated like a child.
When she finishes, she wakes me up, saying, “Sir, fix your oxygen mask first before assisting him.”
I tell the young man, “Son, you know you’re on your own, right?”
He thought that was hilarious. She did not. “Sir, we take safety very seriously.”
I go, “Listen, my Granddad Rader had to quit school when he was 11 years old to go to work six days a week, twelve hours a day to support his family, I think this young man can figure out an oxygen mask. And if he can’t, wouldn’t America be better off without him?”
She walks away and he thanks me. I go, “Let me give you some advice. Next time you’re flying alone and someone asks your age, tell them you’re 17.”
He says, “But I’m 14.”
“She doesn’t know that. Unless you want to be treated like a child, tell them you’re 17.”
And a smile broke out on his face. You know he’s thinking, “Yes, lying is good,” but all he says is, “Word.”
I now know why, when I talked with my grandparents, they said stuff like, “That boy ain’t right,” because every generation has its own slang. We said cool and square. Today they say word and GOAT, greatest of all time, I’m always surprised when my niece says dope and she’s not talking about my cousin Roger.
As America continues experiencing a shortage of workers, I want to encourage you to hire older workers. Research shows that older workers bring vast experience to their job, they stay on the job longer and have few days off, they have a strong work ethic, and whatever technological gap exists can be overcome, but the two biggest benefits are they are critical in training younger workers and multigenerational teams are more productive. And it’s cool because everyone can learn each other’s slang.
When I told my wife, Twyla, this story, she says, “You taught a 14 year old to lie?”
I go, “I’m pretty sure he knew how to lie, I just gave him permission.”
“Oh, yes, that’s so much better.”
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1111.1/1/23
A few years ago I’m flying home on Christmas Eve after my final show. By the time I get to our house, it is full of our children and their families. They are there for most of the week and are leaving the same day I am having to fly out for my New Year’s Eve show.
As I’m leaving, I tell my wife, Twyla, “I feel like we haven’t had any time together. I miss it just being the two of us.”
Twyla is exhausted from a week of cooking. I know men of our generation do more housework than our fathers, it would be impossible to do less than my dad, but Twyla continues doing the majority of the cooking because she’s a much better cook than me. She says, “Oh, I’m sorry you feel neglected. You know what, let’s find a place where you can go and be the center of attention, where hundreds of people hang on your every word. Let’s work on that this year.”
“Touche.”
I wish you a Happy New Year and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1109, 12/30/22, Happy New Year
The past three years have been exhausting. We have survived a worldwide pandemic that killed millions, We saw a vaccine developed in record time, then millions not take it because of misinformation on the internet.
We’ve seen a president orchestrate a coup to try to stay in power after losing an election. Fortunately our democracy has survived and maybe the coming year will see punishment for those involved.
We’ve seen inflation rear its ugly head after laying dormant for 40 years and those of us who remember 18 percent mortgage rates of 1981 can laugh when people scream at 6 percent ones today.
And speaking of people my age, we’ve seen Bruce Jenner go from being the world’s greatest athlete to being just one of the Kardashian girls.
The past two years my wife, Twyla, and I have lost our fathers. Whenever I picture relaxation, I think of my dad who enjoyed nothing more than sitting on their back patio in the evening with a glass of wine watching the critters that lived on their land as the sun set in the west. I hope everyone has a 2023 like one of my dad’s evenings on the patio so we can all recover, recuperate, and recharge from the past few years.
Happy New Year and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1108, 12/29/22. My Colonoscopy
Just before the pandemic, I got a colonoscopy and the weirdest part was the nurse asked for my driver’s license for identification. Are there people trying to steal colonoscopies? I don’t think they understand what it is or maybe it’s a joke friends play on each other?
Driving home my wife, Twyla, says, “I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself, I want be together a long time.”
I’m thinking why? If there is anyone who deserves some peace and quiet it’s Twyla.
As Twyla and I age, I do see the importance of taking better care of ourselves. This coming year I am changing my workouts to include more strength training and trying to help Twyla workout. We both want to live a long time because research shows the most important thing that brings humans happiness is having quality relationships with family and friends and we have seen that in the past couple of years living close to our children in Cincinnati. I have never been happier.
Take care and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1107, 12/28/22, My Two Careers
I spent 17 years as a CFO and CPA. I fell in love with accounting during college, but I found everything else that went with the job to be awful. I changed careers 22 years ago when I started speaking, which led me to also do stand-up comedy. Although this career has its challenges, I really enjoy being in front of an audience. .
Good thing because, since I have done this longer than I did accounting, my brother Michael, thinks it makes me unemployable. He says an HR person would see my application and say, “Yes, Mr. Rader, we see you’re a CPA, but you had a 22 year gap in your employment history, which wasn’t that great. We just don’t think you’re a good fit here at Taco Bell.”
After sitting home for 10 months at the beginning of the pandemic, I needed to do something, so I spent 5 months in early 2021 doing taxes for H&R Block. As soon as the tax season was over, we moved to Cincinnati just about the time I started returning to in person performing.
I spent the remainder of 2021 performing, but my schedule for the spring of 2022 was very light. I thought I should try to find a tax season job again. Fortunately, I was hired by a woman who owns a small accounting firm. She had just taken over another small firm and all of the client’s accounting records needed cleaning up. This is perfect for me because she stuck me in an office in the back and just allowed me to do accounting.
Although I planned on staying only a few months, I have been doing it for a year. I fell back in love with accounting and it has not only been good for us financially, it is good for my mental health because it requires a different part of my brain than writing and performing. My boss understands when I need off to perform and I set my own hours. I try to get in by 11, but many days it’s noon or later. In fact, recently the boss emailed all of the employees she was going to be late, but was sure she’d beat me in because I am on Rader time, which seems to be some sort of variation of Daylight Savings Time.
Yesterday I mentioned research saying that humans are happiest when they have a career they love and they find challenging. I, actually, have two. It’s been challenging sharpening my accounting skills that have lay dormant for nearly a quarter of a century. Someone said accounting is like riding a bike and it’s true. Both require balance, attention to detail, and if you do either one for more than five days, your butt hurts. I also have to find time weekly to do marketing and media to continue booking performances.
And now that the accounting records for these clients are cleaned up, we are starting to help them use the information to make better decisions with their businesses, which increases my happiness because I can see how I’m helping others. And maybe the best benefit is I proved my brother wrong, I can get a real job.
I don’t know how long I will do both, but it has been a very positive development from the awfulness of the pandemic.
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1106, 12/27/22, My Reimagined Dream
I was speaking with my friend, Mark LeBlanc. We have both been speakers for more than 20 years and have always said we’re living the dream. Mark said, following the pandemic, he felt it important to REIMAGINE our dream.
That comment has haunted me for the past few months and I have spent time doing just that, reimagining my dream.
Research shows humans are happiest when they have:
- Have quality relationships with family and friends,
- Have a career or hobby they love and they find challenging, and
- Help others through volunteering or random acts of kindness.
So I have tried aligning my reimagined dream with these points.
Even before the pandemic we knew the speaking industry was changing. There are fewer conferences, so fewer opportunities to speak. I enjoy speaking and it pays well, but in the past few years I have enjoyed doing stand-up more. I do a CLEAN, stand-up comedy show called The Baby Boomer Comedy Show. This past year I have spent time writing and improving this show. Not only do I love the writing and performing for this show, it is challenging as well, and I feel like I am helping others by bringing them laughter.
I want to focus more time in 2023 to build up the number of shows I do a year.
In fact, Saturday, New Year’s Eve, I will be doing my Baby Boomer Comedy Show at the Norris Center in Naples, FL at 5 pm. Come out and enjoy a night of laughter because you know how much laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1105, (Rewrite Episode 10), And Give Up Show Business?
There is an old joke about a guy who spent 30 years shoveling elephant dung for the circus. He complains incessantly until a co-worker says, “Why don’t you quit,” to which the guy responds, “And give up show business?”
I am convinced social media is causing us stress. Studies show social media has caused people to feel lonely, anxious, depressed, and envious. It is because we are seeing the best aspects of other people’s lives and, in comparison, makes you feel like your life stinks.
And speakers, entertainers, and comedians are among the worst, with posts like, “The view from my office today.” I can see how people think, “Look how cool his job is.” Performing is by far the best part of show business. The rest is as difficult as any other job.
Four times in the past 21 years I have checked into a hotel between 5-7 am because of travel glitches. I’m checking into a hotel in Louisville at 5 am because, apparently, no one at American Airlines owns a watch, and the kid asks, “How’s your day.”
“I’m checking into a hotel at 5 o’clock in the morning, how do you think my day is? I don’t know how today is because yesterday hasn’t ended.”
Last fall I’m flying from Madison, WI to Knoxville, TN. At 6 pm I’m through security and at the gate in Madison when they cancel my flight. I now have 700 miles to drive before the following morning. Checking into my hotel at 5.30 in the morning, all I can think about is getting to bed for three hours sleep before having to speak at 10. Apparently the desk clerk didn’t know how to handle such a situation and she needed to call her supervisor. I asked, “Can you just give me the key and you sort everything out later?”
She apologizes and says, “Yes,the only time I had this happen, a group of guys were partying at a strip club all night.”
That put everything in perspective because I’d rather drive all night than spend it in a strip club. Walking to my room, I couldn’t resist the urge to say, “And give up show business?”
Although I don’t look at Social Media much, one resolution I have for 2023 is to reduce my Social Media use even more. I am sure it will help reduce my own stress. Have a great week and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1104, 12/25/22, I Knowed Times Was Hard
My Grandma Rowan was funny, but I don’t think she intended to be. She would call me EVERY Sunday morning at 6 am, collect. For those of you who are too young to know what a collect call is, it is when you want to talk with someone, but not enough to pay for the call.
Every Sunday the operator would say, “I have a collect call from Zella Rowan.” After I accepted the charges, she’s say, “Kenty, this is your Grandma.”
“Really, I thought it might be from one of the other Zella Rowans in the world.”
After I started traveling for work, I would call her on Sunday so she didn’t wake my family up at home. One Sunday I called her from San Diego and said something about the sidewalk being covered in snails when I ran that morning. I mentioned that people in California eat them. She says, “Well, I knowed times were hard.”
This Christmas I’ve been thinking about all those people that were part of our past Christmases, but are gone now. Both sets of my grandparents, Twyla’s mom, my dad, and now this year will be the first without her dad and our sister-in-law, Joyce. I guess that is the nature of life, but like all holidays, this year I am sure we’ll tell stories of the past that make us laugh and, to me, that means those people will always be with us.
Merry Christmas and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1102, 12/23/22, (Redo Episode 400, 12/25/20,) I’m Going to Kill Our Son
When our son, Keith, first got his driver’s license, he calls me saying he’s locked the keys in the car. He is 30 miles away and the last thing I need is to waste an hour of my day because of his carelessness.
Apparently I’m speeding because a highway patrolman pulls me over. “Sir, where are you going in such a hurry?”
“I’m going to kill our son.”
“Whoa, wait a minute, you need to calm down.”
“No, if I calm down I won’t do it. In fact, I’m going to kill his sister too because, if I don’t, those two will destroy my life.”
“Listen, I’m not going to give you a ticket, it’ll be okay, just relax.”
“Fine, but I hope you can sleep at night knowing my misery is on your hands.”
If you would like a night of non-stop laughter, check out my Baby Boomer Comedy Show, CLEAN, stand-up Comedy for People Born Before Seat Belts at the Norris Center in Naples, FL on New Year’s Eve, next Saturday night at 5 pm, because, let’s face it, no Baby Boomer wants to be out past 8 on New Year’s Eve. Have a great Christmas and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1101, 12/22/22, Major Announcement
Last week the former president teased that he had a major announcement on Thursday night. What could it be? Was he going to announce his new VP running mate after he tried getting Mike Pence killed on January 6th? Was he going to become the Speaker of the House of Representatives?
It started out like any announcement of his. He stated he was the greatest president ever, better than Washington, better than Lincoln. If only Lincoln hadn’t wasted his time freeing the slave and had used it to give a tax cut to corporations and the wealthy, he could be one of the greats too.
Then it took an odd twist. The former president announced he’s selling digital trading cards of himself for $99. These are NFT’s, which are described as digital artwork and they are using the word art generously. One has the former president dressed like an old west sheriff. Another has him in a superhero costume. One has him in a NASCAR suit, which must have gotten a big laugh when they came up with that one, like the former president has ever seen a NASCAR race. One has him dressed up in a military flight suit, which will make anyone’s bone spurs ache.
Mind you, you don’t get an actual card. They are digital like cryptocurrency. People buy them as an investment in the hopes their value will increase so what could possibly go wrong? At least when you throw away $99 at a casino you get a free drink.
When one of the former president’s staunchest allies, Steve Bannon, was discussing this on his radio show, he said, “I can’t do this anymore.” Really, Steve, this is the straw that broke the camel’s back?
So, today, I am announcing, for $99 I’m selling old Polaroid pictures of me as a kid dressed in an old west, sheriff outfit and one of me dressed as Superman, complete with a t-shirt with an S drawn on it in magic marker and a bath towel tied around my neck for a cape. I don’t have any of me in a NASCAR outfit because, even as a child I had some dignity. These will make great Christma gifts, the kids will love them, the kids will love them.
Please send me CASH, none of the cryptocurrency stuff, to Kent Rader, Cincinnati, OH and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1100, 12/21/22,(Rewrite Episode 55, 1/7/20) The Feud
I hate when telemarketers ask stupid questions. Recently the phone rings, “Excuse me, sir, do you own your home?”
“Lady, it’s two o’clock on a Tuesday afternoon, that’s a game show you hear in the background, what are the odds I have a job?”
And the thing I hate most is they interrupt my favorite show, The Family Feud. I love the Feud because every family on there is required to have one idiot…to give the most moronic answer to the question. I saw them as a woman once, “What month to do women start showing when they’re pregnant,” and the lady said, “September.” Now there’s a child that was left behind.
I love Steve Harvey as the host of the Feud because he makes me laugh just with his expressions. Steve knows how much laughter matters.
Speaking of Laughter Matters, tomorrow I have a major announcement you won’t want to miss.
LM, Episode 1099, 12/20/22, (Redo 390, 12/15/20), Dr. Pretty Boy, DDS
My wife, Twyla, and I went to our new dentist in Cincinnati this week. She is really sweet with a great chairside manner, but you can tell Twyla is disappointed because she misses her old dentist, Dr. Pretty Boy, DDS. My grandma recommended him to Twyla. I go, “But, Grandma, you don’t have any teeth.”
She says, “No, but I have eyes and he’s easy on them.”
He is gorgeous. The pictures in his office of him and his family look like the pictures that are in the frames when you buy them.
When we lived in Kansas City Twyla got her teeth cleaned so often, I was afraid he’d sand them off. She says, “Not to worry, he also makes dentures.”
Once I said, “he’s not that pretty.” The next day Twyla made me an appointment with the optometrist.
This Christmas Twyla made peanut brittle and she mailed it to all her female friends in Kansas CIty in hopes they’ll chip a tooth. That way they can see Dr. Pretty Boy, DDS for Christmas.
Take care and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1098, 12/19/22, Papaw Griff
Once my wife, Twyla, was putting our grandson in his car seat, he asks, “Mamaw Twyla, when you were a little girl, did you ride in a car seat?”
Twyla replies, “Oh, yes, honey, all the time.”
“You did not. You and your brothers rode in the bed of your dad’s pickup like you were migrant, farm workers and twice your dad got home with just two kids and had to go back to find the one that bounced out.”
Twyla’s dad passed away recently. I was very close to Twyla’s mom, but it was difficult to get to know her dad because he was so quiet, but, then again,I only knew him for forty years. He did love when I’d tell him stories about Twyla putting me in my place. He didn’t really laugh out loud, but he had a smile on his face.
He had a dry sense of humor. Once said his three children got all of their stubbornness from him because Twyla’s mom hadn’t lost any of hers
He had his ways. He loved Twyla’s home baked cookies. When he was running low, he’d tell her he was savoring the last one. He cut the whole cookie in half and only eat half that day. The next day he’d cut the half that remained in half and only eat a fourth. The third day he’d cut the fourth that remained in half and only eat an eighth. That way it would, theoretically, last forever. This was his way of asking her to bake him more cookies.
Once Twyla’s mom wondered out loud how two good Republicans could raise three Democrats for children. What they raised were three intelligent, thoughtful people who were always there for their parents. I can’t think of a better legacy. Rest in peace Papaw Griff.
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1098, (Rewrite 12/8/19, Episode 25), 12/11/22, Sunday Lunch
Every Sunday growing up, my Grandma Rowan fixed an enormous lunch for the horde of family that invaded her house.
The scariest part of this is when she goes outside, grabs a chicken by the neck, swings it around and around, then jerks it’s head off. The body of the chicken runs around the yard for a minute or two, then Grandma picks up the lifeless body and starts the process of turning it into fried chicken for the family.
That’ll make your grandchildren behave. When she said, “I’ll ring your neck,” it wasn’t an idle threat. Grandma had 14 grandkids, she couldn’t remember any of our names, I’m sure she wouldn’t miss any one of us any more than she missed that chicken.
Before I was performing and was still doing accounting, we lived in Oklahoma close to my in-laws. Every Sunday we had Sunday lunch at their house. My mother-in-law, Emma Lou, would make a roast with potatoes and carrots, plus a homemade dessert. It was the highlight of the week for all of us.
One Sunday Emma Lou made coconut cream pie and sent the remainder home with us. That night I planned on eating the pie for supper. As I get it out of the refrigerator, Twyla says, “I want part of that pie.”
“But, Twyla, it’s only one piece of pie.”
“Kent, if it has a 90 degree angle in it, it’s more than one piece of pie.”
So I called Emma Lou to settle this dispute. She says, “Kent, let Twyla have some of the pie tonight and tomorrow I’ll make you your own pie.”
Hanging up the phone, Twyla asks what her mom said. I reply, “She apologized for you being spoiled, but asked me to share the pie with you.” And I never told Twyla about the second pie.
The best thing about living in Cincinnati is Twyla and I get to have Sunday night dinner with our children and their families. Twyla often cooks a roast like her mom and we get to hear what everyone has been doing. Now that we are the older ones, we see why those Sunday meals were so important to my Grandma and Emma Lou. There is nothing quite like being around the people you love.
Have a great week and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1095, 12/16/22, War On Christmas
You know what I’ve been missing? Fox News’ annual War on Christmas. Remember when saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas was the first step in Liberals making abortion on demand and making everyone marry someone of their same sex?
One year it was the pure evilness of Starbucks replacing the Christmas scene on their cups with a message of peace and harmony because you know how Christ would have hated peace and harmony. That was just one step away from Liberals taking your Christmas tree.
And I blame this on the demise of Bill O’Reilly. When he was taken off the air by Cancel Culture for simply being, in the words of the movie 9 to 5, “a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical, bigot,” it was the beginning of the end of the War on Christmas.
One year Bill said, if John Kerry were elected president, he would cancel Christmas as a national holiday. Mind you there was as much evidence of this happening as there was that the 2020 election was stolen, but the first casualty in the War on Christmas was the truth.
I mentioned how I was missing the War on Christmas to my comedian friend, Mike Preston, and he suggested we load our guns and attack a nativity scene. There is as much chance of this happening as Christmas becoming extinct in America because neither of us own or know how to shoot a gun.
I did find a way out of the dilemma of Merry Christmas versus Happy Holidays. I don’t say either. When someone says one of these to me, I simply reply, “You too.”
Have a great weekend and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1094, 12/15/22 (12/23/19, Episode 40 Redone), Santa Claus isn’t Coming To Town
If you have little ones anxiously awaiting Santa’s arrival, you may want to wait to listen to this when they are not around.
Recently we were looking through some old photos and I saw one from when we were living in Frederick, OK. Our second Christmas there our son, Keith, asks if Santa is real.
We share the truth with him, but ask that he keep it to himself because we wanted one more Christmas with Santa for Maggie Lou. Being a person of honor, even at that young age, he has kept his word because, nearly 30 years later, Maggie Lou still believes in Santa.
After putting them to bed and checking to make sure Maggie is asleep, we get Keith up to help wrap presents. After a while, when Keith notices all of the gifts we’re wrapping are for Maggie, he asks where his gifts are. Twyla says, “Oh, honey, once you don’t believe in Santa, you don’t get gifts.”
Quickly I show him his wrapped gifts in the closet, but not quick enough to keep him from bursting out crying and I have felt bad about it ever since, so Keith, I am sorry. I hope it didn’t scar you too much. Laughter does matter, but not when it makes your child cry.
LM, Episode 1092 Replay 278,
One of the people on my List of 37 Friends is named Jeff. Jeff has been on the list longer than Typhoid Twyla.
When Jeff and I were in our running prime, we trained together every day for nearly three years. When you spend an hour a day running with someone, you bond, but Jeff and I share a mean, sarcastic sense of humor.
A few weeks ago we were texting each other and I made a joke about one of the guys we used to race against and Jeff responds, “Ha, ha.”
“Ha, ha? I make a perfectly mean spirited joke and all I get is ha, ha?”
He says, “I don’t use LOL and I normally respond with just ha. Ha, ha is very funny and ha, ha, ha is, obviously, sarcastic.”
We’ve been cleaning out the basement and I texted him to see if he knew any running club that would recycle old running trophies as I wanted to get rid of mine.
He texts, “I do, but I don’t know if they would want to bother with just two.”
I respond, “Actually, it’s just one, I wanted to keep the first place one from the 1985 Sunshine run,” which is a race he got second me.
Jeff has actually tried getting off the List of 37 Friends, but I’m afraid he’s there for life because he always remembers laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1091, (this is a rewrite of one of my original ones from December 2019) 12/11/22, Kitty’s Clothes
Last week I was on a morning radio show and one of the other guests was a preschool teacher talking about children also experiencing holiday stress. Apparently sitting on a heavy set, stranger’s lap is scary for some, not to mention that this stranger is going to break into your house while you’re sleeping and worrying about if you are on his naughty or nice list. The person says the best thing you can do to help reduce your child’s holiday stress is to keep their routine the same.
When our children were young, we read to them every night before they went to sleep. Keith’s favorite book was Kitty’s Cloths, by Amye Rosenberg. Keith knew it by heart, so there was no skipping a single word and, 35 years later, I can still recall it. So, to help reduce Keifer’s holiday stress, I want to read Kitty’s Cloths now.
Kitty puts on her pants and shirt so she can go out to play.
Mother helps her with her socks and sneakers.
Kitty puts on a sweater because it’s cool and cloudy outside.
uh-oh (and Keith always said this), Uh-oh it starts to rain.
No matter, Kitty and her friends can play in their rain coats and boots.
Splashing in puddles is fun, but Kitty gets her pants and socks wet.
She takes them off to dry. Daddy helps her into her nice warm robe.
Mommy brings hot soup and bread, warm from the oven.
After supper, Kitty puts on her jammies and says, “Always remember laughter matters.”
Actually, she says night night.
I encourage you to maintain your routine to help reduce your child’s holiday stress by keeping with their routine and if you don’t have a routine, I encourage you to develop one. You will look back on them fondly in the future and laugh and you know how much laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1089, 12/9/22, Kayne’s Med
Kanye and whichever Kardashian he’s married to settled their divorce last week. Apparently she got his meds in the settlement. He got banned from Twitter for posting a swastika and this isn’t last summer’s Twitter, this is Elon Musk’s Everything is Free Speech Twitter.
He showed up on Alex Jones’ show wearing a mask. Apparently he often wears a mask for anonymity, but the minute he starts talking about Hitler’s good qualities, you realize it’s Kanye. How off the rails do you have to be to make Alex Jones uncomfortable? But Alex sure looked like he’s thinking, “And I thought being on trial for lying about young children being killed was uncomfortable.”
Kanye wants to be known as Ye, but he’s proving Shakespeare to be right, an anti-Semite by any other name is just as offensive.
But maybe the nuttiets thing Ye did is he’s running for president and he asked the former president to be his Vice President. Talk about not being able to read a room. Ye, have you not been listening for the past six years?
So, Ms Kardashian, please give Ye his meds back. The American people will be forever in your debt.
Have a great weekend and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1088, (Rewrite Episode 23), 12/8/22, The Nutcracker
Our daughter-in-law, Kate, is a dancer and I’m ashamed to say that, even though my parents took me to play when I was a kid because I loved seeing live performances, I don’t remember seeing any ballet. I was an adult the first time I saw the Christmas tradition, the Nutcracker.
One of my wife, Twyla’s, high school students was the Sugar Plum Fairy. It has been so long ago that the student is now a dentist.
If memory serves me, Clara and her family receive a nutcracker for a present. Her brother, Fritz, breaks the jaw trying to crack a large nut. Clara bandages it up, then goes to sleep, dreaming an army of mice are attacking. What she needs is my cat, Jerry. Jerry loved killing all sorts of vermin in real life and he’d often be sleeping in my office while I worked. All of a sudden his tail would start twitching, his claws would come out, and, when I’d awaken him, he seemed disappointed seeing me instead ot the mice in his dreams.
After the army of toys defeats the one of mice, Clara and the Nutcracker journey to the land of snow, then the land of sweets, which is, probably, where Twyla’s former student got the idea to be a dentist and seems proof positive that Clara should limit playing video games before going to sleep. Clara awakes holding the Nutcracker.
If you have never seen the Nutcracker, I would encourage you to do so because my description doesn’t do it justice. And if you’re in the Columbus area this weekend, be sure to see Kate in The Happy Elf at the Lincoln Theater and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1087, (Rewrite Episode 35, 12/18/19) 12/7/22, It’s a Major Award
With the Christmas season here, there is one thing I do miss about our old house. Just down the street from us, from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day, a woman had the leg lamp from A Christmas Story in her living room window. Every time we were in the car, we’d drive two blocks out of my way home to see it so our eyes would boggle, overcome by art.
One of us would say, “It’s a major award,” to which the other responds, “The hell you say?” And we’d laugh like it was the first time we ever heard itt.
Long ago Twyla observed so much of our humor comes from movie lines and we both find humor in repetition. At least once a day I say, “You’re my best friend,” to which she responds, “You’re mine too, Todd,” from the Fox and the Hound.
I often say, “He’s an idiot. His parents are probably idiots,” from Back to the Future or as our son, Keith, called it, the Johnny movie because Marty played Johnny Be Goode at the end of it.
When our children were young and we’d eat in a restaurant, one of them would inevitably order “Four fried chickens and a Coke,” from the Blues Brothers because they knew it’d make us laugh. .
When our daughter, Maggie, was 2, we went on vacation with our friend, Jeff. Maggie loved eating tortillas without anything on it. During the vacation she dropped one and, for some unknown reason, she intentionally stepped on it. Jeff says, “Give me a tortilla and step on it.” Everytime one of us asks for a tortilla, the other will say, “and step on it.”
Thank you for listening and always remember laughter matters.
LM Episode 1086, 12/6/22,
Last week I mentioned the phone tracking software my wife, Twyla, has on my phone. We’re actually on it with our son, Keith, and his family. Every night, usually while we’re eating, our phones chime notifying us that someone’s battery is low. We take a bet. Is it our grandson, Kai’s, or our daughter-in-law, Kate’s because it is always one of those two.
A few months ago, I told Kai about this and said, if he’d charge his phone every day after school, I would know it’s Kate’s battery that is low and always win the bet.
He says, “But that wouldn’t be fair.”
“Boy, what is wrong with you?” I blame his father for his overdeveloped sense of honesty.
The next time the chime was saying Kai’s phone needed charged, I texted Kai saying I lost the bet that night because Mamaw Twyla bet was him. Then I asked if I could borrow $5 to pay off a gambling debt.
Take care and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 1085, (Formerly Episode 34, 12/17/19), 12/5/22, Holiday Parties
I have a passion for making people laugh, whether it be a keynote speech or my Baby Boomer Comedy Show, CLEAN Stand-up Comedy for People Born Before Seat Belts, even a comedy club, I love making people laugh.
But there is one venue I do not enjoy and that is a company holiday party. Think about it, the only person half the people know is the significant other that dragged them there and the other half don’t enjoy being around each other during the week when they’re getting paid to, let alone on a Saturday during the holidays. And how everyone copes with this is through the cash bar, which, contrary to popular opinion, doesn’t enhance comedy, it just slows down your thinking and screws up my timing. I hate them and anytime I book one, I dread doing it immediately
So my solution is, when someone calls me to do one, I charge them double what I charge anyone else because, knowing the laws of supply and demand, as the price of my service goes up, the demand for my service should decrease. Hopefully, they won’t hire me, but, if they do, when I start dreading it, at least I can say, “Kent, you’re making a lot of money performing for these people.”
My grandma once said, “Isn’t that the same rational women use dancin’ in a nudie bar?”
“I don’t know, ask cousin Monique.” Next think I know, I’m on the phone with Monique, apologizing.
One of the causes of holiday stress is over committing yourself during this busy time of year. This year, say no to those commitments that aren’t joyful and refreshing for you.
And I hope you have a great day and always remember laughter matters.
LM, Episode 578, 7/1/21 Bill Cosby was released from prison yesterday. It isn’t because he’s innocent of drugging and sexually assaulting a woman, but because of legal technicalities. My comedian friend, Mike Preston, posted on Facebook last night, “Bill Cosby expects to be reinstated as America’s father figure in August.” Thank you, Mike, for making me laugh. You often remind me how much laughter matters.
A year ago today, March 12, 2020, was the last normal day I had before the pandemic. I was enjoying the spring weather during a rare week at home before starting two months of travel and performing. I met Mom and Dad for brunch before going out on my bike. Now, before you think I’m being pompous with brunch. I’d meet them at the Corner Cafe at noon. They’d eat lunch while I was, finally, getting around to eating breakfast. The following day I received the first of many calls postponing conferences and performances and it seems like I have been sitting at home ever since. This past year we’ve seen a recession that has hit women harder than men. They are calling it a she-session, although I doubt an economist came up with that term. Women work in industries like hospitality and restaurants that have been hit particularly hard, plus many have left the workforce to help their children who are home attending school virtually. My mom would not have been good at this, but I remember when I was learning multiplication in the third grade, my Granddad Rader would help me. He could multiply faster in his head that I could on paper. If he were teaching children math, they’d certainly return to school knowing their multiplication tables. With kids doing school virtually and parents working virtually, many are not wearing shoes around the house, contributing to a dramatic increase in broken toes in America. I put on my shoes the second I get out of bed and only take them off to shower or go back to bed. And people call me obsessive-compulsive like it’s a bad thing, but none of my toes are broken. Divorce rates have fallen because it is expensive and many people don’t have the financial resources to do it. People being at home in unhappy situations has resulted in an increase in domestic violence. Birth rates have fallen, possibly because of all those broken toes or they never learned how to multiply, but, more likely, because millions have lost their health insurance when they lost their jobs. With over 500,000 people dead in America, life expectancy has fallen by a full year. I am saddened when I hear stories of people dying alone in a hospital, but I am thankful my parents have survived. I hope we can soon have brunch again because, at this time, it appears the worst may be behind us, but we must continue washing our hands, socially distancing, get vaccinated, and continue wearing your mask. I do wonder how social interaction will change after the pandemic? Will people continue wearing masks? Actually, I’ve gotten used to wearing my mask, although every time I wear it, I have a cat hair tickling my nose, but the good thing is people can’t see how rarely I shave.
Have a great weekend and always remember laughter matters.