The Otis Advisory: Recent Episodes
Pat Fant aka Uncle Otis
HIGH VELOCITY HOOT Universal Foolishness publishes original News Cartoons as short-form podcasts. Dump you old Think Tank and wade into the guilt-free waters of The Discount Think Tank and Bait Camp. D'Otis and the salty scholars serve up live bait with a side of answers, to finish off political correctness for a grateful nation. Think of it like an AOL Weekend for the Apple crowd. If you’re going to be looking for a Welcome Kit in the mail after listening, this may not be for you. Thanks for letting us into your home today; that almost never happens. Slower listeners keep right>>>>
New York city’s new experimental Mayor, Zorro is already learning the hard lessons of socialism. Finding out you can’t be both moisture-wicking and self-absorbed at the same time or you’ll just dry up! That’s right. It’s already happening to Mayor Zorro. His city is running out of cash! He needs other people’s money and fast. “Where do I get more of this,” thought the young prince. That’s when marketing had to be called in to puncture the silence and find somebody else to blame. So don’t worry Mr. Mayor, marketing will take care of your budget problem. Just smile, practice walking fast to a meeting and try to find some of those working men to pick up trash mountain stacked up on the street. Careful though, there’s probably somebody living up in there. Oh wait, experimental mayor told the sanitation guys they could work from home like everybody else. Oh stars! That’s not gonna work. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
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What would be different right now if Kamala had won? Lower your expectations for a second and use your imagination. Try to imagine President Kamala, a free-lance thinker with no active ingredients, having control of your wallet, your thermostat, your kids, and your menu. Kamala likes keeping fear alive and watching the denutification of America. If the lady in the pant suit had won, you’d be speaking Iranian by now. Gone would be the funny speeches and press conferences we get now. As you sit there comfortably numb with your pronouns all pinned to your shirt, ask yourself how much government fraud you think we’d have found by now if Kamala was in charge? Oh the larceny! She’s still mad because Clarence Thomas wouldn’t date her. Then there’s the big one, the open door down south. That lovely Southern border would still be open. Why? Because Kamala knows she gets a mail-in ballot out of every new smiling face that hops the fence. While you stay home writing checks to the IRS. Fooled again! Hear podcast ~ Wash hands.
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Remember the War on Women? Is that still a thing? Do women still go off to finishing school? What goes on there? Let’s say your name is still Debbie and you’re still developmentally optimistic, then you’ve probably missed the short squeeze altogether. And that’s good. Bring Your Wife to Work Day is only once a year, so honey, when opportunity knocks, don’t complain about the noise! Get after it. You can still Wang Chung when you need to. Even before the War on Women, you knew a Pop Tart from a Captain’s Wafer,. and that DWI doesn’t really means Doing What I Like. Wait, is that too many letters? Either way, you can’t conquer the world in bad shoes. It’s just not done! So no more standing behind the velvet ropes for you! Hell no. Debbie or not, you are done being a super spreader for anybody. Look, the Taliban didn’t have enough girls in management, and look what happened to them. Hell is real. And heat rises. That’s critical Otis Theory. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
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Why is it that some still need to take their shoes off on an airplane ride? It’s just wrong. Still or sparkling, that’s gotta hurt. The guy next to you will never order another chicken fried steak again after seeing your airplane feet all fileted out in the walkway. It’s just too triggering! Looking at those hooves you walk around on, all laid out in the middle of the aisle like that, could give anybody bone loss. Nothing else can survive once you see airplane feet with the toenails shaped like Greenland. So stop it! And if you take ‘em out and start picking at everything you’ll need emergency nose and glasses just to sneak off the plane in one piece. But wait, there are exemptions to the no airplane feet rule. If your are scheduled to compete in the next Miss Vacant Lot pageant, you’re good. Otherwise, if you still have a need to show off your airplane feet in flight, don’t be too surprised if some hex nut puts a spell on you. It could happen. Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
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Your Uncle Otis is back with a real Southern apology for China, since they may not have one of those yet. And until you’ve had a good southern apology, honey you don’t know sorry. So here goes. China, here in the South, we kinda stole YOUR intellectual property too!! That’s right, we stole you blind on Chinese Checkers. Here’s the way it works: if you’re not smart enough to pay Chess, then you play Checkers. But if you’re not smart enough to play Checkers, you play Chinese Checkers. That’s just how it’s done. So even though Chinese robots are taking our JOBS, we still let the kids from the camp play Chinese Checkers all summer, cause nobody ever wins…just like in China!! Otis even gives China a free idea! Can you guess what it is? Hear podcast ~ Wash hands
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Today we’re bringing in the Count of Monty Crypto to help explain the US economy in a way even Jasmine can understand it. Step one, if you want to save big money, don’t buy anything. Next: Hide your stuff! Go out in the backyard, dig a hole and put your stuff down there, then cover it up. If the Zohan people can’t find it, they can’t tax it or give it to the aliens. Then, don’t buy anything that says DISPOSABLE. What’s the point? Let somebody else buy it and when they throw it away you go back around and pick it up for nothing. This is so easy. Let’s say you want some Crypto Currency. You don’t know why but everybody’s doing it and you don’t want to miss out. Well, BaitCoin is a whole lot cheaper than BitCoin, and you can do more with it. BaitCoin is locally sourced, the correct people will cheer for that, like local honey, they get all worked up over that too. Gives them the same warm, welcoming embrace as socialism. Like the gooey cheese in the Mondami mouse trap. “Come on in, have some promotional cheese. We’ll just take it from the people on the hill. They’ve got too much cheese.” Who let this happen? Next, you’ll be making your own clothes. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
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Big Bad Bunny is now hiring. He’s about to do the half time SuperBowl show and still needs a few good men to hold up his scarf for the big game. It’s a ballsey move, but since Super Bowl is copyrighted, we’re not allowed to talk about what a dumb NFL idea this really is. They just need you to lower your expectations for game day and accept Mr. Bunny for who he or they really is. Just give him a little time to get his roots done! Now since the Bunny man always seems to turn up third and long, you’re gonna need to know how to score all this! A simple organism about to take the stage. Not the halftime entertainment you expected, but there it is anyway. And if you stand behind the velvet ropes, Big Blue Bunny will be happy to give you a peek at what really goes on at Doggy Day Care. A million flies can’t be wrong, and this one’s really going to stink! Our friend the Bunny has been butt dialed more than once from a Princess phone. So what’s different this time, except maybe for 90 million of the undead hopefully still watching. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
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At night when Jasmine Crockett lies there waiting for the sandman to come take her away, she likes to dream of how important she’s gonna feel once we make her a US Senator from Texas. Commander Otis here - back on Crockett Watch where we’ve brought in Oppo the research loving clown to find out what makes Ms. Crockett so entertaining. What is it Oppo? Why so sad? Awwww, is it because Jasmine’s spirit animal is an oyster? Jasmine’s going to need an edge to win in Texas and that’s where the mail in ballots come in. Oh the larceny! Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
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You’ve landed on the Jasmine Report – the weekly national tracker that chronicles the latest bull corn leaking out of Jasmine’s campaign for Senate. Now sometimes Jasmine’s mind plays tricks on her when she dreams of winning the rural vote. “Should I go campaign at the Cracker Barrel or the Waffle House,” thought Jasmine. I wouldn’t get too worked up with that one honey. You’ve got a lot more apologizing to do before you land any of the Billy Jack vote. So it’s no surprise that hurricane Jasmine hired a rapper to follow her around and make up bad songs about all her big ideas. If Jasmine says we should put screen doors on submarines, then there must be a good reason, so don’t rule it out. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands
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APOLOGY REQUEST FORM
Here at the Discount Think Tank and Bait Camp, we can sometimes hit a little too close to the bone. And that’s when the lawyers make us apologize. With so many wanting an apology from your Uncle Otis, we’re starting to fall behind. If I need to be sorrier faster, and get you back a personalized Certificate of Apology for all this stuff, you’re gonna have to use the Apology Request Form. Just contact this station and tell them to send you an official Uncle Otis Apology Request form and we’ll see what we can do. Just let me know who was offended: was it you, your wife, wife’s sister or other, along with what you think we said (or just meant) that was so bad. We’ve heard it all before, so go take your shot! Now you know what to do! Order your CERTIFICATE OF APOLOGY from your Uncle Otis and I’ll see you at the peace March. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
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Back in the time before filtered water, things weren't as convenient as they are now. Like, did you know there wasn’t always a little trash can sitting by the door of the men’s room so when you’re leaving, you’d have somewhere to toss your wadded up wet paper towel. Now this is just the men’s room we’re talking about. Nobody knows what goes on in the lady’s room since nice people don’t ask about such things. But we do know that over on the men’s side, you used to be left standing there at the half-opened door, holding a wet paper towel and wondering where to put it after you pull open that nasty door. Only recently did somebody correct the problem by just moving the trashcan closer to the door. Problem solved. Gone was your little game of trying to shoot the basket across the room – a basket that was always just a little too far away to hit from where you were standing. And like a pile of broken dreams, the missed shots were all over the floor waiting for somebody to come around later and take care of it. So in the New America, we’ve figured out where to put the trash can. So what’s next? Well, the kids can’t read or add; anybody got any ideas for that? Tell them Beowulf is a rapper from Baltimore who hates everything and wants to blow up the country – that will pull ‘em in. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
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Let’s say you’re a victim of wife supremacy and you’ve just accidentally stumbled into a child infested area. Suddenly, someone suggests that you change baby’s diaper. Well first you need to know that the correct people have new rules for you to follow. That’s right, before you go floundering around in all that you’re gonna need to ask the little guy for permission first – just to be sure dry pants would be OK with him. Goes like this: “Hey Lil Padna, I see you’ve got a preexisting condition down south. I’m here to take care of that for you, but first we need to be sure your wet-pants rights aren’t violated. I noticed you’re going commando today so, if it’s OK with you, and let’s just say it is, we’re gonna switch out of those underpants to some that haven’t been peed yet. You’ll thank me later!” Just one of a whole snootful of big ideas waiting for you right here in the New America. Otis reports. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands
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When you need a tire changed or a refrigerator moved to the second floor, who do you call? You call a man! Men are back, and are finally done with putting their hair up in mouse ears and going with you to the mall. Don’t be asking men to tell you which sheets they think are the softest. They have no idea – none - and anything they say is just to make you feel better. Men are no longer impressed by things like Kamala's bunions, so quit asking. And if a man brings a bag of Pork Rinds to your birthday party, don’t act surprised. Just smile and say thank you. Otis Investigates. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
The Mexican Navy is looking for a new navigator after somebody over there tried to drive their one hundred fifty-foot-tall boat underneath the one hundred thirty-foot tall Brooklyn Bridge. Not a good look! Pealed the top right off right in front of where congressman lady Sandy Cortez stays, and supposedly gets her laundry done. Hear what came next with Otis. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
You know that trick where you turn your socks inside out to get another couple of days out of them? Well, that’s what the donkey party bosses have in mind for Kamala. Just turn the lady in the pant suit inside out for another go at the controls, and do it fast before Sandy Cortez de Putanasa gets it all. But what's the difference? Aren’t you tired of complaining yet? I know I am. Imagine how much more we could get done around here if everybody put down the dopey little signs and walking around out in the yard saving democracy. Isn’t that getting old yet? It’s so last year. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
What Do Men Really Want, aside from the usual stuff like getting to wipe your nose on your sleeve or maybe a good stool softener. Men are simple organisms who still think they can play Wipe Out on the steering wheel. But know other stuff too like what a woman is. Hell, men are experts in that. They know today’s modern girl isn’t looking for any fluff. Fang Fang isn’t up all-night waiting for that box of Christmas pajamas with the bunny feet and tail. It comes down to one thing: “What would Roy Rogers do?” That’s how you know if you’re thinking right. If Roy would do it – then you can do it. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
If you've been getting your powdered Margarita mix from China, I think I'd be making other arrangements. Orange man has changed all this so we don’t forget how to make our own essential fixins. We shouldn't have to rely on China for medicine, memory foam and dead flashlights. “But, Oh Uncle Otis, everything’s gone global now!” Well not everything – mudpies is still a local thing - good clean fun that comes right out of the back yard for free. Mud pies exist for one reason: to give you something to play with until mama gets home. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
If you’re even thinking about stuffing a T-bone down your shorts at the Walmart think again. Due to shrinkage (used to be called stealing but that was too real) they’re now keeping the steaks in little wire cages to keep your grubby mitts from stuffing Mr. Roast down your pants and heading for the parking lot. If you’re keeping score, this all started with locking up the deodorant and toothpaste - now it’s on to the Veal of Fortune. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
It all makes sense when you think of Kamala as the dented can on the store shelf. Poor little dented can, it’s sad that nobody wants it anymore being all smushed and caved in. Pushed aside for the shiny new can, the one with the fresh AOC label, except that one’s about to be banned for all the fake coloring in it. Of course, there is one color you don’t have to worry about. Right, it’s Orange! Nothing phony - Orange is different, and it won’t make you sick. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Kamala is about to open the doors to her new Think Tank! “We’ll think about anything for a price,” giggled Kamala. It’s like the self-licking ice cream cone of bad ideas, but there it is anyway. Tanks Alot Kamala is mostly particle board and sounds like a cry for help that no one hears. It even has its own flush handle built right into the tank for when things get messy. Let’s check the ingredients: “May contain bull-corn. Has no wow factor. Could cause white winter itch." So what can you expect to find floating around over here? Too soon to know, but in this race to the bottom, Kamala is definitely winning! Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Otis gets a lot of prison mail. But when the weather’s nice, he likes to walk around the neighborhood to see what everybody else got in the mail. You can learn a lot about your neighbors by going through their mail. Take this nice lady for example. Dear Ms. Jones, Oh look, it’s from the free clinic. It was fun seeing you again this week - red and irritated - well that’s not going to clear up. Oh here’s a birthday card from somebody named Boom Boom Willie. Probably met down at the community pool. Here's someone being notified about getting yard of the month. It’s about time. All they had to do was take down that Trump yard sign and look at that – yard of the month it is! Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Congressman-lady Jasmine Crockett really likes being the only botanical in government. But don’t be fooled by all the flowery words. Jasmine knows nothing pays off faster than class clown when you need to get noticed, before that AOC gets it all. Remember the circus business is nothing new for Jasmine! Throw in a pair of hoop earrings and a couple of media stink bombs and you’ll get ‘em talking. Then just sit back and let the cameras do all the work. This shake down isn’t going to stop anytime soon. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Everybody knows, crawfish are not fish. Never have been. Try putting crawfish in the microwave and you’ll see what I mean. The stuff in there runs out all over the place, gets all over the floor and everything. Meat doesn’t do that. You can do better. Look, a million flies can’t be wrong. Even Greenland doesn’t allow crawfish, wonder why? Ask the medical examiner. They know crawfish are like sticker burs. You’re not dealing with a bag of frozen peas here. Crawfish are pre-historic, and you’re not. So look somewhere else for something to eat. Hell, even Kamala won’t eat crawfish - she’ll wolf down a bag of pork rinds but won’t get down in the mud for a plate of these. Good call but maybe don’t wear that crawfish costume in the parade next time, just saying. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
The only thing more dangerous than being Chuck Schumer right now is being Chuck Schumer driving a red Tesla. That would be a bowel-curdling trigger event over at Camp TransAntifa, the Nottingham Forrest of the pumps and pearls fellas with an itch for firebombing. I know it’s getting harder to score this stuff. But Orange man doesn’t care. He’s sending Tesla firebombers to the pen for 20 big ones. But don’t write him off yet, Chuck is like cat pee. You’ll never get the smell out. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Don’t be looking for a Mother’s Day card in Wisconsin. “Mother’s Day cards don’t say mother anymore,” said Governor Shagnasty. In Wisconsin, Mother has been changed to “Incinerated Persons” – wait, is that right? By the way, now that Orange man has declared English the official language of America, when someone tells you “no worries” – you can just say, “hey speak English!” Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
The barnyard is buzzing this week over the high cost of eggs. Somebody gave the chickens the flu, probably caught it at the gym like everybody else. But what you really need to worry about is egg smuggling. There coming across the border from everywhere, Smuggling eggs can get messy. Stuffing a dozen or so down your shorts to cross “over easy” in El Paso works fine, until you sit down. Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
USA sent fifty million dollars in condoms to Gaza. Found out later they decided to make condom bombs instead with all their free rubbers. Come on now, this is too easy. Let’s say you’re the runt of the litter and someone gives you fifty million dollars’ worth of free rubbers. You could go find a nice girl to share a bag of pork rinds with, or, make a condom bomb to blow up the One Hour Martinizing store up the street. I know what I would do – and I’m not thinking dry cleaning. D'Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
ORANGE SUNRISE Thanks to the new Orange sunrise over Washington, a system-wide peristalsis has begun, moving the waste and waste by-products from the gut of government. In its place, luxury, prosperity and of course endless boogie! Can you dig it. But as always, Donkey Darkness is on the rise working to stop common sense before it breaks out. Better to maintain the rot for the next wave of pajama-wielding protesters daydreaming of the day they’ll get to throw their deadly avocado toast at police and the ICE man. Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
TRUMP DANCE
It’s a dance. It’s a movement. No wait, it’s the Trump Shuffle, and all the kids are doing it. How low can you go? Just put your bottom on a swivel and leave your pronouns at the door! The Trump Shuffle is ground zero in the land of a thousand dances. But you won’t see it on The View. Oh hell no. They’re still worried it’ll give you the Monkey Pox or something – you filthy pig! Look, it’s OK to celebrate, but you better hurry. The Trump Dance is a limited time offer. The Crankiest among us always find a way to come back around, all triggered up for more state-sponsored misery at government expense. So what can you do? Well first, enjoy doing The Trump Shuffle whenever you’re feeling good. Think of it like getting butt dialed from a Princess Phone - there’s just no downside. When news stinks you’ll smell it first, right here with your Uncle Otis. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
The Honor Snacks man finally went back around to check on his snack box after the Biden White House cleared out. Naturally it came in light, again. The little bedwetters had their grubby little mitts on the Captains Wafers but never left the fifty cents in the slot. So much for Donkey people and the Honor Snacks idea. One of them even stuck a note down the slot about how oppressed people shouldn’t have to pay and everyone else should be ashamed for asking. You can learn a lot from a box of Honor Snacks. Remember, no one has called yet to claim responsibility for Hunter. So there is that. Otis brakes it down. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
In our special preview of the new Biden Library, we'll discover what you'll see once you’ve passed through the giant 2-story bottle of hand sanitizer built right into the entrance to this historic and bothered place. Yes. the Biden Library is a living monument to the big cheese! Visitors will see his actual beach chair, permanently indented with the presidential butt cheeks, where Joey spent 40% of his time as president. That’s right next to the Statue of Lethargy where you get a close up look at what 10% can buy without working. There’s even Hunter’s Chrystal Methodist Laptop, along with the actual letter from fifty-one intelligence officers declaring that the laptop is not really there at all. There’s even an interactive wing where men learn how to get pregnant and become their own grandpa – very popular during the Biden term. And don't miss the popular Wife Supremacy Exchange out in the garden - that’s extra. Otis details it all. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Greenland
Orange Man says it's time for us to go ahead and take Greenland’s stuff. That’s right. Everything they’ve got is about to be ours! This is so simple. Why didn’t anybody think of taking Greenland’s stuff before? Whatever it is – just fork it over! Look, we’ll pay ‘em back, for their stuff, and here's a great way we can start: Let's put The Biden Library right there in Greenland! It needs a home anyway and nobody else is asking. Just imagine the tourist business. Everybody will want to come home with one of those Girls of Greenland posters. You can sell ‘em right in the gift shop! We’ll even build ‘em a waffle house. God knows they need one. Probably could use a Giddy Up Glamor up there too…just sayin. Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Kamala has returned from happy hour to make more speeches at us. She’s got some flowery new words to go into the non-sense blender - now set to liquify! "I will ask you to remember the context in which you exist," says Kamala to the great unwashed! How much more of this chin boogie can we take? Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
There’s an Orange sunrise coming. A new President means man business is back in style. Men are even opening car doors again (that's how they get inside.) Guys are even out changing flat tires whether they’re flat or not, just for a way to get dirty. Something’s working. Lab grown meat is going away and pom poms on gym socks are coming back. Stud Finders Family Rebuilding Centers are springing up everywhere. Shrunken heads are going back on rear view mirrors and moms are ironing patches on jeans again. God Bless America is no longer hate speech. And we’re finally back to just two genders, so you’ll just have to make do with whatever came with your shorts on day one - no fudging around. In Orange America it’s OK to have Ladies Night again, but not free vodka for the homeless. You have to get your own. Something for everybody under an Orange sunrise. But you won’t read about any of this in the Biden Library, mainly because there is no Biden Library. So stop asking.
Hear Podcast ~ Wash hands
Many people ask me, “Uncle Otis, what’s happened to Tiny Tim after he and Giggles lost the election?” Well, we do know the crying hasn’t stopped. Poor Timmy can’t seem to keep his face out of a box of Kleenex every time he thinks about what could have been what it is, after it’s already been what it used to was! That’s the unburdened mind trick Timmy learned from Giggles. Now they’re both trying to forget by going to as many Young Thug shows as they could before that soul train pulls up to the county lock up. Timmy even wants to write a book about how they hired the elderly like Oprah and Bruce to go out and vote for them. “Hey that was a billion well spent,” said Reverend Al, speaking ex-catheter (that one’s for the Catholics.) Oh the larceny! Timmy is about to wind up as TV spokesman for the depression meds. A sweet deal since they supply the Kleenex! Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands.
If you’ve been living on Wonder Bread and olive loaf for the last few years we’ve got good news. You’re about to get an upgrade. There’s a big orange sunrise over the white house that will put new wheels on that grocery cart and save your butt from going boneless and skin-less. So where has all the Bidenomics money been going? Well here’s one: Team Kamala went through a billion in Donkey money in just 3-months trying to get elected. They even overshot that by twenty million, oops! “Hell we spill that much,” said one operative just back from having her roots done. You’ve been out on Lake Flacid long enough, so stand up straight and leave the apologizing to the numb and dumb. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Now excuse the mess but, teen-aged congressman type person Sandy Cortez (the name on the arrest warrant) is running for President! She looked inside her official NPR tote bag and found a note signed by fifty-one Intelligence Officers saying, “Great idea honey, go ahead and bring your special brand of crazy to the White House! And since Hunter got pardoned he can be Vice President" Why not, Hunter knows all there is to know about Vice. So the denutification of America (which will eliminate drive-through liquor barns) is back on the table. Even circus people can find the skunk at this lawn party. Otis explains.
Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
The punishment phase following the presidential election has now started. Donkey Ladies everywhere have announced the end of sex as we know it. Men are now officially cut off as punishment for helping Orange Man win the White House. Remember all this is happening just because Kamala didn’t win , even with the endorsement of DJ Toilet Brush. Otis explains.
Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Good morning America - look what you did! You sent Donald Trump back to the White House for another go at the controls, this time with eyes wide open and a new FBI guy. The citizens of America had a mostly peaceful protest and are now ready to swipe-left. So Joey, Kamala and the rest of Gang Green start packing your stuff! You’ll be exiting through the gift shop today and now paying retail like everybody else. Enjoy! As for young Hunter (“more coffee Warden?”) he’ll be on his way to the big house where he can help Kamala explain the significance of the passage of time. Congratulations Mr. President - and the first lady is about to get a whole lot better looking! Slower listeners keep right! Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
When anyone says to you, “Let’s be Clear,” you’re hard-earned toxic masculinity tells you something different - that is, whatever is coming next is just bull crap. It’s like showing up to the Halloween dance with a bone saw – it just sends the wrong message. But this time around, Joe and Josephine lunch box are on to the “Let’s Be Clear” crowd for the same reason nobody’s going to pardon Hunter this trip. And just like Hunter, “Let’s be Clear” has just stopped working altogether. A cow with no legs is still ground beef. Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
The lady in the pantsuit really doesn’t dig these TV interviews. She has to be dragged and dropped into the chair just to get her to the studio. But to be fair, unless they give you the questions in advance, how are you supposed to know what answers you need to make up? Orange man doesn’t have that problem. With diarrhea of the mouth, he’ll tell you what he’s thinking all the time, so there’s never any confusion. But comfortably numb and packed in her own juice, VP giggles knows what’s good for you and can’t wait for you to pay your fair share. "I’ll just confiscate the guns and give them to the homeless," thought Kamala. Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Many people ask me, “Uncle Otis, will TicTok blow up my pager if I vote orange?” Well maybe, but think about it this way. The fluffy stuff in between the feathers is called the down. That’s what you want to be right there. Be the down, not the feathers. Because in the New America you don’t want to try too hard. Soft and shapeless is best for your reputation. Be open to anything – but don’t commit. Be the greeniest weenie in the office, and do anything for free shipping – anything! Remember there’s great significance to the passage of time - now go do your documentary. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
With the denutification of America, men have become subprime in today’s marketplace of ideas. Men are simple organisms always having to work around Madonna, or somebody, trying to rescue them from thinking wrong and growing all that fur. But nobody asks what men want? There’s a lot of confusion about that. “Men should be more like mozzarella cheese,” said Kamala, “soft, light and not attempt too much.” The correct people worry that watching cat videos and shopping for edible electric cars may not be enough to control this brotherhood of the skull. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Everybody knows a taco salad is just pretend. Sure it might say salad on the sign, but you know what’s really going on. Taco salad is as phony as it gets. But what if a taco salad ran for President? “Hi, I’m Kamala, maybe you’ve heard about me on TV!” Every carefully constructed mouthful of these answers is perfectly sized for the little guy and well chewed before publishing. But Joe and Josephine Lunchbox are way smarter than they think. So, when someone you don’t know and haven’t personally washed hands you a mail-in-ballot, do the right thing and pass on the taco salad. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands
Luxury, prosperity and endless boogie – that’s what Orange Man has for you this election season. Man of Orange says, “Elect me and you’ll have a job. But not to be outdone, Kamala says, “Hold on there – why work? Hell I’ll spot you a house if you are one of our 12 million new alien arrivals from down south.” How does Orange compete with a free house? The secret is in Kamala’s new simplified tax form for anybody left working. Just 2 lines to fill out: Line 1, how much did you make? Line 2, send it in! There’s your free house right there while HEAP PLENTY WAMPUM comes out of your account. Are you getting notes of pear, apricot and warm leather yet? No? Something else then? Bull corn maybe? Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Kamala was surprised to learn from the staff that she used to work at McDonalds. “Just go with it,” said one operative. “The great unwashed will love you more if you just giggle and say, “I’m the one that made the fried pies! This is how we fool the wife of the people. But why stop with the McDonald’s gag? Tell ‘em about when you were a tight end for the Rams, or that intern thing at Beer Camp, or your summer with the Cajan Navy. Any of it’s better than talking about trying to pay the rent, or the price of huevos, or how to spell Lynard Skynyrd, which nobody can do. Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands.
Kamala's new economic plan doesn't do a thing about paying $10 bucks for a cold Isis at the 7-11. As the Queen of Woke reads her prepared list of bumper sticker lines to the paid crowd, you have to wonder, what it is really about Happy Talk that makes it fell like the shiny razorblade in your election day apple - the false positive there to fill in the holes in the argument. Otis and the salty scholars of the Discount Think Tank assess the damage. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Donkey Party people will tell you: After a hard day of riding and roping, you and your therapy squirrel are going to want some joy up in here! And even though Beyonce didn’t show up, they've still have more Hopey/Changy joy for you than anybody else down the dial! So come get it. If your spirit animal is an oyster, Donkey operatives are ready to pop the trunk in the mall parking lot and lay out all the joy you want. Bring 10 mail in ballots with you and you’ll get some bonus joy. But watch out, all that Joy can stick to you. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Paying is for losers! Order anything you like from the Komrade Menu at Kamala's Corner and the check goes to the next guy in line, and from there to the guy behind him, and so on. It’s a sweet deal. If you've got the itch for a plate of Left Wings, just hand the check to the next guy and we'll keep this Komrade Chicken train rolling. Low-hanging apples are better than the ones you have to climb for. Think of it like the gooey cheese in the donkey mousetrap. Come on in, have some more cheese, it’s all free. Better hope your trap works fast as in cheese, then darkness. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Now that break dancing and skateboarding are Olympic sports, you have to wonder, what’s next? There are reports that the next Olympic games will be even more inclusive with more woke favorites like Olympic Graffiti competition and saying LIKE the most times in a sentence. “It’s how we live today,” said one Olympic official just back from getting her roots done. So then, why didn’t we get Roller Derby at the Olympics? Skipped right over that. If you remember Cannibal and the Headhunters, one of the great bands from the time before filtered water, you'll know their hit record, Land of a Thousand Dances that predicted all of this along with noting that a giant of a man would appear, permanently dressed in orange, who would lead the way out of the internet and back into the light. It’s not Keyser Sose either. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
The retiring President’s co-morbidity, Kamala, has sent out her new Donkey code word of the day to all media sheep. Directions on the side of the box say, "You are all directed to work in the word “weird” along with your regular complaints about the Orange Man." It seems that Oppo the Research Loving Clown turned in an expensive report about how going with code word WEIRD would be a good way to not have to explain any of the other stuff, like the economy, crime and the open border. Just say “They’re WEIRD” and get up and leave. In a related story, Kamala once thought that “close the border” meant making it so we can’t get out! Wait, you’ve got it backwards. Lock ‘em in and raise taxes is not what close the border means! It’s the other way around. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands
China is not too happy with the Biden crime family right now. Joey doesn’t carry the same punch as he had back when the Make China Great Again plan kicked off and Joey's cash started flowing. "This was not the deal when we first hired you Joey," said China." You’re not holding up your end of the bargain anymore. What are we getting for our money from Biden Inc.?" Next Wet Market outbreak is already on the calendar, and Joey won't be around to clean up the mess. How will they sell all the heroin if Joey's not there to wave them in? It’s pay back time and Joey’s coming in light! In scientific terms that’s know as an Oh Crap Moment. Joey is left with only three choices, but we can’t talk about one of them. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
All you really need is one good ear to do most of the important stuff. You can have your other ear shot off in public and still get the big jobs done - like getting bad guys or closing the border or drilling for oil - you can do it all with just one good ear. It’s OK - nobody’s paying attention to the one that’s not there. Looked like a jumbo shrimp anyway! Remember to use your Uncle Otis secret decoder ring to get all the hidden messages in this stupid bit. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands
Hunter likes to play parcheesi with he papa. It relaxes them both before a big speech where everything’s on the line. Joe looks at the Parcheesi board getting ready for his next move. “Humm, this is harder than it looks,” thought Joey. “Maybe I should just quit while I’m ahead and get ready for my sponge bath.” Back when Joey’s “Hate America First Train” had just left Bankruptcy Station things were a lot more fun for the crime family. Hunter’s laptop was still just a cheap fake, the Orange man was headed to trial for the nineth time and nobody had fallen up the stairs yet. Then everything changed over at Lake Flaccid as Joey became shovel ready and Hunter turned into the skunk at the lawn party. “Damn it Joey, I told you that no good son of yours was going to sink this whole deal,” said Jill. Hear Podcast- Wash Hands
Kamala is a lot like a Named Storm. When the outer bands of VP Giggles make landfall, everything gets tossed around and jumbled up beyond recognition. When Kamala blows in you know things are about to go sideways and your power is going out. You’re about to get flooded in word salad surgery, which usually makes the sewer back up! What a mess. All storms have a dirty side where most of the nasty business happens, but it’s hard to tell with Super Storm Giggles since every snoot full brings out another torrential downpour of non-stop hoot. It's emotional incontinence! The Kamala squall line is already forming offshore and about to threaten the interior of the country. Makes for an inviting environment for those aggravating little Sandy Cortez tornados to spawn in the warm waters around the White House. So watch where you step since this pant load isn’t going anywhere until we get a Big Orange sunrise! Hear Podcast - Wash Hands
Maybe it's time to bring back Pom Poms on gym socks. Those little fuzzy balls on the back of a girl’s socks told you she was fun, and probably drove a Charger. What else do you need to know? So where are the pom poms now? Well they’re hard to find. Gone the way of the buffalo. That’s just not right! With over 100 different genders now to pick from in the New America, Pom Poms on socks can be be for everybody – guys too. That's double the market! Even the Army will buy them to show how waked up they are. So two wrongs do make a right! Who’s sorry now? Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
When Hunter was little his mama used to take him to the store for the Husky-size jeans, since everything young Hunter could get his hands on went in his mouth. “You’re overwhelming your outfit again – we’ll have to go up another size,” said mama. Little Hunter was in Husky Jeans all the way through high school until one day he discovered the weight loss benefits of speed. That's when he traded in those Huskey jeans for a new bag man uniform and started to market he papa to the highest bidder. “This is so easy,” thought Hunter, “and mama doesn’t have to know!” Then, one day Hunter lost his laptop, and everything changed. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
No more Boy Scouts for you. The campfire and whittling business is over. Time now to climb into a nice chiffon outfit and drive your edible electric car to the mall for some more Botox. But Boy Scouts was fun while it lasted. Passing around that can of shoestring potatoes with Worchester sauce was how boys learned to wipe their hands on their pants. What are we supposed to do now? With over a hundred different genders to pick from, what’s the point anymore! It's another way to get boneless and skinless even faster in the New America. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
You’re a lot easier to control when you’re numb and dumb. So enjoy some more morphine drip before sending 'Lil Whiskers out in the back yard to pick off another tank-full of watts from that electricity tree. Yes, now you're powered by rainbows! It's like when you're dead, you don't know you're dead. Same thing happens when you're stupid. So bring your arrest warrant to early voting and the little man will fill all that in for you. Wait, is that the desert cart? More Universal Foolishness from the Discount Think Tank. Hear podcast ~ Wash hands.
The roving bands of marauding youth now rioting outside the window have a long list of DEMANDS for you - a shopping list of what they need delivered up to Angry Village. Remember, these are special children who don’t eat olive loaf or burnt weenie sandwich. Hell no! You need to think vegeterrible and gluten free, you pig. So get a move on, rioting is hard work. Why do you think Mexico now has a “Remain in America” program – probably until they can stand to look at us again. The denutification of America – Extreme Makeover Edition. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Who would have thought that winding up in a pot of boiling water somewhere in New Guinea would turn into a campaign line eighty years later? VOTE FOR JOE - CANNIBALS ATE HIS UNCLE! It’s damn creative, I’ll give ‘em that. Just falls right off the bone. You’ve even got a little primitive culture going on there to help satisfy the lunatic fringe at Columbia. But Mono-Clonal just means 1 clown! And this one’s about to roll back in and hand the keys over to Gang Green. That’s when this cannibal thing really grows teeth. Otis Explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Here at the Discount Think Tank we’re always on hot standby for the next big thing. And in America that would be losing weight. It's all they can talk about at the Waffle House. No exercise, just take the shot and get skinny. It’s a sweet deal. But have you heard about the move to Diet Shampoo! Regular shampoo just adds calories, so if you switch to diet shampoo you could have more cheesecake! It's so easy. Stop overwhelming your outfit and buy up all the shares you can get for diet shampoo. The Waffle House is never wrong. It will be bigger than the plexiglass craze. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Their you are, coming back from somewhere you’re not supposed to be, when suddenly your Crown Vic slows to a crawl all by itself. You got gas, what's going on? Welcome to the New America Jerry Wayne, where the correct people can turn off your ride right there from Kamala’s desk! Could be worse - you could be coming back from an Orange Man rally or just picking up a new crab net at Bass Pro Shop! You’d be sitting there all night then to think about what a bad boy you’ve been, you filthy pig.
Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
If the insult of turkey bacon wasn’t enough for you, say hello to AI for Pets. Let’s say your pup is outside waiting for the snow cone truck when suddenly he gets a terrible itch. He can’t let that itch to win and miss the snow cone truck (even though it does come back tomorrow) so AI for Pets kicks in to find where that itch is coming from and get to it quicker. Way better than Memory Foam, A.I. for pets means a tail-wagging good time for little Bingo. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Now you can get the same IV drip the President gets before he has to talk. It's called The Weasel, and it helps you yell out in short, sassy bursts for at least an hour if you need to impress the media. And nobody has to know! If The Weasel doesn’t kill you first, it’ll damn sure get you up on your hind legs and ready for your next tractor pull. That little man in your ear telling you what to say still takes care of everything – so you’re good. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Those cats at the Wuhan Lab are all excited about their new 100% lethal brew they've been cooking up for the west. “No more fooling around,” said the Veloso-raptor of the wet market, “Our newest Chinese virus is 100% deadly to humanized mice.” That’s cute and all but how can you tell if your mice are humanized or not? What exactly do you look for? What gives it away? Otis and the salty scholars at the Bait Camp/Think Tank want to know. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands
Thanks to a new government program, your spare bedroom can help welcome the rest of the world to your house, right here in the New America! TicTok knows if you have a spare room and is ready to tell on you - it's so international. Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Everybody deserves a shot, even Blind Pilots. So what if they can’t see. Overcoming diversity and stuff is way more important. Enter Activist Airlines who quietly announced a brave new equity and inclusion program that is set to hand the keys to world’s first Blind Pilot. The subject proudly earned his pilot's license after two years of theoretical aviation. And of course the usual 1,500 hours of flight time was waived just to make it fair. So keep an eye out for news of flight 2034 from Orlando to Saint Louis, the first vision-impaired flight over the US. Once the black box is recovered from the site we will learn more. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t still sell tickets. Say hello to AI Elvis, in case you missed it the first time while he was still warm. Relive it all with AI Elvis - pretend entertainment from the time before filtered water when Poxy Lady was playing on the radio and ThighMaster was all over TV. Think of it like a tour of Lake Flaccid, with nurses standing by in case you need to let the dough rise twice. AI Elvis is just the first to pop out of God’s waiting room. Who’ll be next? Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Sleepy Joey really likes being the Big Cheese, and now he wants you to make him big cheese again. Four more years Joey, that’s a lot of cheese! Remember, after Bernie you were just the other white meat. When you’re the big cheese you can say whatever crazy stuff you want, like, “that border is closed, economy is good, crime is down” and no body yells at you because, well, you’re the big cheese! But let’s say that cheese is orange, then everything is different! Maybe orange cheese is just too strong! It never goes flat or gets soft and gooey like the kind they put in the mouse trap to lure the wife of the people. Orange cheese will act like a natural diuretic to flush out those shiny razor blades from your election day apple. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
In California, drinking toilet water is the next step in the transformation to full crazy. “People are naturally moisture wicking,” said Governor Tapeworm, and we’re going to squeeze it out of ‘em to keep the pipes full.” What a pant load! Squeezing water out of the California sewer system can tell you a lot about the last guy - if you really want to know. You can tell if he smoked menthols or liked jalapenos - probably not something you need to think about but there it is anyway! Humm, single malt! Hear podcast ~ Wash hands
If you’re at least 16, the Donkey tribe says you’re ready to vote. They're sure you’ll vote for them, so why not. Whispering Joe and his dark passenger Giggles are getting desperate, so this might be the only move left. But here’s the thing, voting at 16 is like playing mumbly peg with the ballot. You never really know where the sharp end is going to land. Remember, there’s a reason why glass blowers don’t inhale. Just picture yourself voting at 16, scary isn’t it. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Your kitchen appliances listen to everything you say. They hear it all and nark on you to cyber command. Mention buying a Lexus in front of the toaster and a salesman will be headed your way before you can snap out of it and come to your senses. It knows when you are sleeping, it knows when you’re awake. Remember this is how Hunter got caught! Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
California Governor, the one who wears the wreck of the Exxon Valdez on his head, decided to pack up all the street people in San Fran, have them smell checked, and then shipped them out of town before heavy cats coming in for the big meeting got an eyeful of the homeless and their droppings. “It’s like picking up your dirty socks and putting them in the hamper before guests arrive,” said the Governor, just before send everyone out for a weekend of glamping in Oakland. Like Kamala said, we need to reduce population! Oh no - better do a head count to see how many come back. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
It's Musk vs. Soros in our first Otis Speed Dating Debates. Musk opens by explaining that the word Soros comes from the Flemish root word “sore” which means “make everyone miserable,” a life-long passion for young George that began when rooting for whatever bad guy Roy Rogers was up against that week on TV. “More misery,” cried George, while while cheering for the bad guys to get let out of cowboy jail! “They’re just oppressed victims of the system,” he would tell his little friends who were waiting to see for the bad guys to get another good punch in the nose from Roy Rogers. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
If you are still on the fence over Bidenomics, maybe this will shove you off. If you’re being punished and have to live in New York, you'll get to pay eighteen bucks for a Big Mac, and that’s before global warming tax and diversity tax there to help with the guilt of just being you – you filthy pig! It's the wonder of Bidenomics. And when you’re living with a combustible mixture of ignorance and power, the effects can linger. So HIDE YOUR STUFF! Dig a hole in the back yard and bury your stuff in it! Cover it up with dirt and burn the shovel. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
The ThighMaster lady who used to be on TV showing you how to tame those saddle bags is gone now. So you’re on your own to squeeze and release. When there's just too much groceries, ThighMaster has to work overtime trying to put it all back in the bag. Never have so many spilled out so much! You would think people would know when they’re NOT ready to model underpants on TV. But there it is anyway. So before you reach for those eatin’ pants again, ask the game warden what he’d recommend. Maybe a lemon cleanse or something. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
The lady in the pant suit is done trying to convince you of anything. That takes way too long, and she and Bill just don’t have that kind of time. What we need now, says Mama, is Formal Deprogramming for your sorry behind so just give up and vote for the Donkey. So we wanted to find out more about Formal Deprogramming and what’s so formal about it – you know, compared to regular deprogramming where they just put salt peter in your food. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
You’ve got your good AI and you’ve got your discount AI. How do you know which one you’re getting? Two tin cans and a piece of string? “Hello – can you hear me.” And the string has a knot in it! That’s discount AI. Never leave any AI alone and unsupervised. It could register you to vote in Baltimore and you’d never know it. Hell the people in Baltimore never knew it either. So before you let AI in the front door, you better find out who’s been feeding it first. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Half of everywhere is infested with men. So finding a husband isn’t that hard. Finding the right one is. As an international man of mystery I can help with that, since you’re gonna need to know what you’re dealing with. Now remember, men are naturally stinky and have no visible means of support. And they can sleep standing up. Only a widow knows where her husband is at all times, so don’t expect too much at first. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Have you heard about shrinkage? Everybody’s talking about it. Used to be called stealing, but that was way too honest and could be offensive to simple organisms. They don’t have shrinkage in China or Mexico or even LotaVodka, mainly because they just cut off your hands if you’re caught shrinking something into your bag. Junk Culture tells us that "shrinkage" helps people feel better about themselves, but they probably still won’t want to go RV-ing. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
If you’re thinking about hiring little Johnny from the local high school to come work at your store and sell tube socks, here are some things you need to know. First, don’t expect too much because Johnny can’t read and damn sure can't add. But to be fair, neither can any of the other “graduates.” But yes, Johnny would love to come work at your store, and thanks for asking, as long as you’re paying $42 an hour! He can do that much math. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Did you know that beer has an expiration date? After a certain date you’re supposed to throw it out because it may not taste like what you'd expect. But, it’s beer right? You’re expecting what exactly? So beer gets thrown out if it’s too old, but Joey gets to keep his job and doesn't get thrown out? Isn’t President Joey expired too? What’s the difference between Joey and old beer? Both get checked for worms, right? And both smell like cat pee.” Otis explains in this new Advisory. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Here’s something you’ll want to know about first before signing up for the New America. The Donkey people have decided your beer thermostat should be set at 2 beers per week. Not 2 per drive home now, that’s 2 beers per week - total. If you’re still having Bud Light, where it takes 9 beers to get the job done, you’re in even worse shape! We wanted to know if those little kid-sized bottles of liquor they give you on the airplane count or not? Otis investigates. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Chicago’s upper management has now asked the local gang leaders if they would please cooperate and not shoot people in the daytime. "It’s scaring the customers," cried Governor Soros! Just hold off on shooting from 9 in the morning until 9 at night. Then at 9pm hell get after it. Clock in for a good 12-hours taking care of whoever needs taking care of. Just promise you’ll finish up before 9 in the morning and leave time to clean up the mess. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Country music is a threat to democracy, say the donkey people! How did that happen? Complaining about country music and how it makes you grow hair in your ears has always been out there, When you think about it, you’re a lot more likely to be a victim of wife supremacy than have country music get between you and your misery index or fancy golf pants. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Did you know that Hunter is married! Yes, there's a Mrs. Hunter alright, and sources close to the bone report that she might even own a TV and may have seen what’s on the news. So before the boy comes home again with his tail dragging the gravy, ask yourself this: what is in it for Mrs. Hunter? Somewhere there has to be paper on this saying, "Honey, you behave and stick this out for a couple more years, and you getting your own beach house!" Take the bait girl! Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Nothing’s going right for Lil Hunter. On his last trip to get a quick puddle dance at the misogynist parlor, Hunter learned that his best friend just went in and told the truth! Seems both the boys were over in LotaVodka together helping to make China great again when somebody accidentally wrote Joey a big check. Ooops! Big problem. Lots of explaining. Now it’s a federal beef. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands
Who’s the skunk at the lawn party? Companies are now having to hire something called an Etiquette Director to help the new kids at the office learn how to smell check. But smell check isn’t the only thing the Etiquette Director does – tying your shoes, dealing with white winter itch and knowing how to pass a little air in church without making noise is also on the good manners list. Otis investigates. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
It's like global warming only this one has long pointy teeth. Sharks have been really cranky this year biting you and the kids down at the beach, and now we know why. The little buggers have been getting into the bales of coke dumped off the smuggling boats before the heat pulls them over. Sharks on coke! With whales washing up from the offshore windmills and crabs that won’t stay in the bucket. what is going on? Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
The salty scholars of the D'Otis Discount Think Tank & Bait Camp deliver this profile in courage on The Modern Man. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Yes, there are aliens from outer space, wherever that is, and we have a whole warehouse full of them. Didn’t you expect this would be a bigger deal? But nobody cares. "Outer space – not my problem! I gotta get my nails done!" Some guy who looks like a big oyster comes out, you would think HR wants to get involved. You want diversity, hell, here it is right here! Ancient Southern philosopher Testicleese joins Otis in this new Advisory. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Everybody knows how much fun it is licking the top of a nine-volt battery. Kids would line up after school and pass around a fresh Eveready to see who could hold out the longest. My friend ShortStack always won since he would just swallow one whole and wash it down with some water for a good connection. Game over. Nobody ever messed with ShortStack after that. Fast forward to the Hunter Laptop. It's been passed around too for everybody to have a lick. Shocking! See what happens next! Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands.
Nothing is harder to explain than coming home with glitter stuck all over you. “Where have you been this time Uncle Otis?” What if you were just picking out the perfect thank you card for her and the glitter came off and got into everything. Party of Two becomes "First Available." It gets worse in a swing state. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Don’t pay when you go to the store. Save your money. When you’re through shopping just say, “no thanks, I’m good” and walk with whatever you want. It’s all free - limit $1,000 per visit though, just to keep it fair. You’ll say, “put it on the insurance tab” as you smile and head for the parking lot. That’s about it. Remind the store clerk that those cash registers are just there for decoration. “Don’t stop for that red light, equity will pay your ticket!” Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Next time you're in Target, ask the lady to show you where they keep the Magic Johnson display – now you see it, now you don’t. Probably over with the shrunken heads next to the Well of Souls. This might be what happens when you’re too woke to sleep and the sewer backs up! But, for now, it might be a good time to put the inflatable ape up on top of the building to give people something else to think about. Change the mood until the swelling goes down. Hear Podcast. Wash Hands.
Now you see it – now you don’t. It’s a miracle! Those special Satan drawers they sell at Target might hurt a bit pulling on, but the fashion statement you’ll make is immeasurable. If you like to keep your business in a junk drawer just to the south, this is definitely for you. We control the horizontal, but you control the vertical. And you’ll stay like that until somebody comes around to check you for worms. Hear this special Magic Johnson Advisory - then wash hands, twice.
This just in from Otis Special Ops on the continuing de-nutification of Harry, formally known as Prince. It all came to a head in Nueva York when Harry must have broke a nail at the big dance and, along with his co-morbidity Megan suddenly left in a Checker Manhattan that smelled like Rat Pizza. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Ever wonder what’s with those trucks with the word FISH written on the side! That’s all it says – just FISH. Makes you wonder, is it really fish or what are they hiding in there? Some write FISH on their truck to keep you from being too interested and maybe just leave them alone. Well, that’s how the white house works. Somebody just wrote FISH on the white house front door and locked the place up until after the election. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
In the time before filtered water, there was probably one special day when you decided to stop writing bad checks to try to help your credit score. Well that was a waste of time. Now they’ve changed all that. Today, the more you suck the less you pay! That’s right. Your mortgage payment actually gets lower when your credit score is terrible! It’s a miracle - like a vacation from thinking right. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Are you broke and can’t afford your own AI? There is a substitute - try Memory Foam, it’s like A.I. but a lot cheaper. Memory foam is like a natural diuretic for the shovel ready. Helps unstick your mind and get back in play. If you can’t remember the girl’s name and she’s not answering to Giddyap or Lil’ Whiskers, you may need some of this memory help. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
If you think clowns are scary, you should see what's on a can of Bud Light. Some bed wetter who never got a pajama-gram and still hasn’t gotten over it is now the new spokes-drunk for Bud Light - the king of near beer. It's an awful mess. Otis has the back story. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
in the New America, everyone will have an AI personal assistant to hand to handle the little things, like writing thank you notes. back when Pluto was a planet and all the and all the cute girls drove Chargers we didn't have it this good. Otis and the salty scholars from the Bait camp Think Tank explain in this fresh Otis Advisory. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands.
Now that we know men can get pregnant, some are beginning to notice how that’s just the easy part. The real problem comes later, at birth. Doctors have looked at the math down there and tried to solve for X. Definitely a tight fit. Recommending next time to just stick to cross dressing, like switching from Italian to Greek. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
“Help, help, I’m gender-neutral Barbie and look, there’s nothing under the hood! Who made me like this? Then, Gender Neutral Barbie met Popeye the Sailor Man – they shared a toy box together. Popeye helped clear away the fog when he whipped out his brand statement, “I am what I am!” Hear how Barbie finally did update her private’s policy thanks to Popeye the Sailor Man! Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
In California, chewing is an act of violence and being replaced with the personal blender. But, if you move to Syracuse you can get paid not to shoot people. You can even automate this and send in your victim list on the internet. Somebody’ll get back to you with a batch bid on what you could make by not killing the whole bunch as laid out by Governor Soros. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands.
Short on cash, start charging to take surveys! Why not? You’re giving up valuable drinking time every time you stop and answer 10 questions about your phone, chat or email experience with Heather from Account Services. Commander Otis has step-by-step directions from the Discount Think Tank & Bait Camp. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
You know things are tense when both warring tribes have to have their own pillow guy. Donkey people are first to tell you they’re not sleeping on any Republican pillow. “Get that out of my face,” said one teen aged expert. But be careful, that Green Donkey pillow can sense any accidental attempt at prayer and instantly flip over on you and cover your face to smother out un-hip behavior. That’s so Raven – but it’s how things get done in Donkey Park. Commander Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands.
It used to be easy to spot the cool kids. They could ride bikes without holding the handlebars and probably had a shrunken head hanging from their rear-view mirror – might have picked it up from the local surf shop or met up with Downtown Brown after school who fixed ‘em up with one they took off a local tourist around south jetties (at the wrong time) - like being mugged by a neurosurgeon. There's more to the story. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
It’s fun to tease artificial intelligence by making it talk about things that can’t be explained – like Texas Hockey or All-Electric NASCAR, or how it is that Hunter is still married. Or, the thing about putting little Suzie on the bus to school and she comes home as Buck Owens. Otis and the Salty Scholars explain. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands.
You want artificial intelligence? Fauchi is your guy. All that chin boogie about “follow the science and put on your eating pants” was just some bumper sticker at the wet market. It was all just Gain of Fauchi research the whole time! Definitely do not resuscitate. Hear Podcast. Wash Hands.
The National Sleep Foundation has just awarded China Joe their Lifetime Achievement Award, which makes this next part hard to swallow. Here it is. Joey thinks he wants to keep being President, and since Jill can’t stand being separated from the Mr. Kamala guy, she is all for it too. Oh the larceny! Commander Otis has the full story. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Mayo Pete only comes in white and whiter, so do not use before Easter. There’s nothing to remember with Mayo Pete, no mixing, no meetings - it’s all baked in. Mayo Pete may contain bull corn. Has no wow factor. Plant-based fruit-forward backwash contains no menthol and never will. May cause white winter itch. Not for day drinking in Dallas. Foreign ingredients are inert, for now. Otis has a full report. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands.
Biden Inc has always been run out of Delaware. The family likes to vacation up at Pavement Narrows where Joey, Jill and the consigliere gather in private, out of reach of the other families – like yours. There Delaware tough, which doesn’t sound like much when you’re in Texas, but you feel the sting just the same at the end of the month. Somebody could use some cowboy therapy before finding themselves sitting in the dark waiting for their food to come in the mail. It’s embarrassing. Hear Podcast. Wash Hands.
Looks like we got kicked in the colonies again on this Chinese spy balloon business. Joe’s cone of uncertainty lasted nearly a week while a floating spy ship hung up there like a loose tooth taking pictures of everything – like your wife out there in the back yard. But China Joe took care of it once he got word they had finished taking all their pictures. Don’t want to interrupt. D'Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Thanks to a new government program, your spare bedroom can help welcome the rest of the world to your house, right here in the New America! (ding dong) “Hi, Miss Jones, we’re with the Donkey gubmint and according to TicTok you’ve got 3 living here at the house, is that correct?" Yes that’s right. "And looks like you’ve got 4 bedrooms, is that correct?" Well yes. "Great, then meet the Chachkes from South America! The oldest has already volunteered to take your daughter to the park for a little diversity!" The New America is coming home to roost - and it’s just down the hall. D'Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands.
Just released from the Otis files - Hunter secret letter to Papa #4 – proving again that while little Hunter may have the itch, he’ll never have the scratch. D'Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Maybe Joe’s problem is lose skin. Anybody think of that? Lose skin gets in the way and can puddle around all over the place when you try to sit down to read something. That might explain why Joey didn’t notice where it said Top-Secret up at the top. Lose skin is serious. It can get caught in things like a car door when you’re in the garage next to your box of important papers. Lose skin can get away from you. It just needs to ramble, and then you can't find it - even with the FBI. D'Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Just dropped from The Otis Files, double-secret Hunter letter to he Papa #2. In this dramatic reading of newly-discovered letter to Papa, we learn that when young Hunter hears Penal System, he's not thinking what you're thinking. Oh the larceny! Otis has the whole story. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
In the time before bottled water there was a device called panty hose. Birthing people would pay money for this and then try to wear the device to work. Pantyhose were uncomfortable and served no useful purpose but were still expected anyway in polite company. No one knows why. Eventually the more free-range birthing people said NO MORE and peeled away the offending hose for dryer pastures. Otis explains how marketing stepped in to reengineer and put the squeeze play back in business.
HEAR PODCAST - Wash Hands.
Objects in mirror are more dangerous than they appear. Say hello to the Double Whammy - citizen Sam, Crypto Child King of Bait Coin and Uncle Fester of Pennsylvania, two snappy dressers with a thing for cash – yours! Both Sam the Bait Coin banker and Fester the Terrible happened in plain sight. Did no one see this coming? Have you had the water at Camp Lejeune? All here in the latest Otis Advisory. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands
Here's the real story of Red Nose Reindeer guy who got jacked around by a bunch of snotty, two-faced reindeer who gave him a hard time about having the wrong color nose. Privileged little social elites laughed and called him names until Santa put a boot up some reindeer butt and shut down all the “wrong color nose” business when he picked red nose guy to run point on the flying sleigh. Hear Podcast ~ Get Otis ~ Wash Hands
America’s medical sweetheart has now gone the way of the buffalo and the gag order has finally been lifted. No more gagging on Anthony Fauchi! All that chin boogie about “follow the science and put on your eating pants,” was just some bumper sticker at a wet market. Remember, an aged steak just means it’s one step closer to rotten. D'Otis has the story. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands.
The gooey cheese in the mouse trap was just Bait Coin the whole time! Billions washed away while the bed-wetting fake money king orders his Taylor Swift tickets, the ones that cost more than your car. Blood splatter analysis has Bad Donkey all over it. If you had a donkey in your pants, you got your share! Otis tells what took down the whole bait coin slaughterhouse and how Congressman lady Maxine California helped count it all. HEAR PODCAST ~ Wash Hands.
Twitter’s new Prince of Darkness cut his pajama-wearing payroll in half. The Honor Snacks cash box came up light, which means turn in your gun and badge. But at House of Twitter it’s more like pack up your Zen toothpicks, your Woopie moisturizer and your Keyser Soze lunch box and take your big wheels back to the house. Hear Podcast. Wash Hands.
Smash Mouth politics pops when there’s another hot mic moment. It’s your best chance to get a good snootful of what you’re not supposed to see. Like catching them in knee-high black socks and open-toe sandals trying to validate their parking ticket. It might be uncomfortable, but when its Bad Donkey getting caught, they just have another hit of laughing gas and remind you that you’re the problem. It’s like a Bad Donkey miracle! Hear Podcast. Wash Hands.
If you’re ever filling out some job application and you come to the race question, this might help if you’re in the unfortunate situation of needing to check the White box. Sorry pal, but here’s how you make the most of it. Just draw in that little sad-face symbol right there next to the offensive word White to declare your shame, remorse and instability for having to be that way, ‘ya pig. And whatever you do, don’t even think about writing in “not my fault” or some jive ass deal like that. It damn sure is your fault so start drawing the “I’m Sorry” face and learn to like it! Hear Podcast. Wash hands.
Lawyers are saying that Little Hunter was just too drunk and high to pay his taxes. Go ahead, try that out yourself next Tax Day. Washington already knows that Hunter is a lot like cat pee – you can never get the smell out. “Hey, even a hurricane has a dirty side.” But don’t worry Little Hunter, you can still use your arrest warrant as a floatation device. Oh the larceny! Hear podcast. Wash hands.
Just about everywhere you go is half infested with men. Your rulers aren’t so happy about it since men usually like meat and high octane - both bad. They know that men are naturally stinky and have no visible means of support. This leaves them open to becoming victims of Wife Supremacy, which means they’re “SOL” – Flemish for “somewhat out of luck.” There’s no cure for wife supremacy and the chances of it happening to you increase with age. Otis Advisory has the whole story from behind the razor wire.
Meatless Monday is really not that different from finding out you live in a dry county. Same deal - you just have to move. But to make it worse, you are supposed to want to eat bugs so you can be more like Bill Gates. But what if you don’t want to be like Bill Gates? Can't you just go back to a T-bone and a vodka tonic? Otis Advisory has the whole story from behind the razor wire.
Just in time for fall, Florida’s boss cat has surgically deposited a rolling assortment of extra-grateful migrating people, formerly Illegal Aliens, to an over-priced vineyard some 900 miles due north - as the bar flies. The local bed wetters of Sanctuary Vineyard were eager to please until it was time for soldiers to scoop up the whole batch and send them to "camp" to be cared for properly - and in the dark. Here's the whole story. Get Happy. Get Otis.
Introducing BetoFrancis' new Flushless Toilet. “Look how much water we’ll save,” cried Beto. “We’re running out because Republicans are using it all." Beto's Flushless Toilet comes with 1 flush per week (if you’ve turned in your guns.) Don't miss this story. Get Happy. Get Otis.
Your Royal Pain Megan, you know, Harry’s girl, just couldn’t wait to get back to the house after the funeral to start going through the Queen’s jewelry drawer. This probably won’t end well even with Oprah and Elton helping to scratch that itch. When opportunity knocks, try not to complain about the noise! Get Happy. Get Otis.
Your Royal Pain Megan, you know, Harry’s girl, just couldn’t wait to get back to the house after the funeral to start going through the Queen’s jewelry drawer. This probably won’t end well even with Oprah and Elton helping to scratch that itch. When opportunity knocks, try not to complain about the noise! Get Happy. Get Otis.
Your Royal Pain Megan, you know, Harry’s girl, just couldn’t wait to get back to the house after the funeral to start going through the Queen’s jewelry drawer. This probably won’t end well even with Oprah and Elton helping to scratch that itch. When opportunity knocks, try not to complain about the noise! Get Happy. Get Otis.
People stink. Some worse than others. And what you say or do can make it worse. Put out enough BS and you’ll stink up the place. So it’s up to you, you little stinker, to do something about it. It’s not rocket surgery! HEAR this Pre-Election Advisory from Think Tank Island.
People stink. Some worse than others. And what you say or do can make it worse. Put out enough BS and you’ll stink up the place. So it’s up to you, you little stinker, to do something about it. It’s not rocket surgery! HEAR this Pre-Election Advisory from Think Tank Island.
People stink. Some worse than others. And what you say or do can make it worse. Put out enough BS and you’ll stink up the place. So it’s up to you, you little stinker, to do something about it. It’s not rocket surgery! HEAR this Pre-Election Advisory from Think Tank Island.
How can you tell if your dog is a Republican? When a republican dog hears CLIMB IT he just things that means it’s OK to get up on the couch. His idea of a drag show is what he gives you on the carpet after a particularly tasty T-bone. In the time before filtered water, just about all dogs were republicans - showed up for work, chased a few cats, got some food pellets, licked somebody’s hand and then dozed off - knowing that they’re no threat to democracy and nobody had to borrow any money from China today just to take care of them. Get Happy. Get Otis. Wash Hands
How can you tell if your dog is a Republican? When a republican dog hears CLIMB IT he just things that means it’s OK to get up on the couch. His idea of a drag show is what he gives you on the carpet after a particularly tasty T-bone. In the time before filtered water, just about all dogs were republicans - showed up for work, chased a few cats, got some food pellets, licked somebody’s hand and then dozed off - knowing that they’re no threat to democracy and nobody had to borrow any money from China today just to take care of them. Get Happy. Get Otis. Wash Hands
How can you tell if your dog is a Republican? When a republican dog hears CLIMB IT he just things that means it’s OK to get up on the couch. His idea of a drag show is what he gives you on the carpet after a particularly tasty T-bone. In the time before filtered water, just about all dogs were republicans - showed up for work, chased a few cats, got some food pellets, licked somebody’s hand and then dozed off - knowing that they’re no threat to democracy and nobody had to borrow any money from China today just to take care of them. Get Happy. Get Otis. Wash Hands
Inflation makes you do crazy things like only toasting your bread on one side because you can’t afford to do the whole thing. It’s starting to look like Paradise Lost, again, Home Edition. Get Happy. Get Otis. Wash Hands.
Inflation makes you do crazy things like only toasting your bread on one side because you can’t afford to do the whole thing. It’s starting to look like Paradise Lost, again, Home Edition. Get Happy. Get Otis. Wash Hands.
Inflation makes you do crazy things like only toasting your bread on one side because you can’t afford to do the whole thing. It’s starting to look like Paradise Lost, again, Home Edition. Get Happy. Get Otis. Wash Hands.
Gang Green is coming for your heat and air. Sandy O and the Ladies of the Squat will finally have control of your government-approved home thermostat. What temp is it set on? Well that depends on you, ya’ pig. If you behave and turn in your guns, you might qualify for a cozy 78 degrees next summer. Get Otis. Wash Hands! www.universalfoolishness.com
Everybody wants to transition to something. Anything will do, just please change me now to something else. America is transitioning too. We're not going bankrupt, were just transitioning to a poor place. Hear Podcast. Wash Hands. https://universalfoolishness.com/
The Cowboy Code, which I learned as a young Otis (i.e. social drinker) reminds us that if it’s not yours don’t take it. If it’s not true don’t say it. If it’s not right don’t do it. The Cowboy Code might help you too Hunter, and the horse you rode up on. Hear Otis. Wash hands. https://www.universalfoolishness.com
Maybe you still have a toy drawer full of green plastic army men. Some are standing up, some kneeling down or lying flat, or even looking like they’re throwing something. They only come in green! They don’t make green plastic army men in black or brown or pink. You just get green, that’s it. If you want diversity, you’re s*** out of luck. That's because they’re all army men just there to kill bad guys. That’s what you thought when you dumped your shoe box of army men out on the living room rug. You didn’t know then that you’re supposed to have 20% black, 20% brown and who knows what percent pink. You weren’t woke up enough yet to think about that. Your green plastic army men just killed bad guys. Otis explains in this news cartoon from Think Tank Island. https:// www.universalfoolishness.com
You know when you come home and notice the pantry door open - again, the one you know you closed when you left. You look at the dog; the dog looks back. “Hey, Bingo, how’d you do that with no thumbs?” He’s thinking, “wouldn’t you like to know!” Right there you and the pup have an evolutionary reveal moment as you both notice the same hole in the argument - if we evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Story doesn’t hold up. Hear Otis. Wash Hands. https:// www.universalfoolishness.com
Did someone forget and leave America outside, locked in a hot car with the windows rolled up? Joey, was that you? I’d get outside pronto, we’re burning up out here waiting for the November Jaws of Life to come save us from this! Get Happy. Get Otis. www.universalfoolishness.com
Young Hunter hasn’t always had it so easy. His first car didn't even have air conditioning. But Hunter still rode around with the windows up anyway just to impress Jodie Foster. It wasn’t until he landed on the new family business idea of professional back scratcher that things took off for the Cartel. But Young Hunter starts getting distracted and soon finds out what the consigners experience is all about - hear more in this latest episode from Think Tank Island. www.universalfoolishness.com
After a hot Texas summer in the 1860s, reporters asked General Sherman how he liked riding around in August in full dress uniform. Sherman said, “If I owned Texas and Hell, I’d sell Texas and live in Hell!” That’s clarity. Now we have a different kind of clarity. Otis lays out the Joey buffet of truth - as it happened. Be sitting down for this one. www.suiteradio.net/otisradio
Kamala is On Sale – that’s right! The price of having your photo taken with Kamala has been reduced – now only $5k - down from 15 when the Hate America First train first left Bankruptcy Station. Hop on board this latest Otis Advisory from the salty scholars of Think Tank Island. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands www.universalfoolishness.com
Finally got a peek at what the handlers write for Joey on his little note cards before they let him go talk, since McTumblenuts showed the wrong side of the card to the camera! That cone of uncertainty can happen once the Sarbanes Oxley takes your mind! It's all right here in the latest Otis Advisory from Think Tank Island. www.universalfoolishness.com
Trying to get out of Joey's economy feels a lot like what happened to the lone hiker who fell down the hole and got his arm stuck in a crack. Only way out is to chew your own arm off! Wade into the guilt-free waters of Think Tank Island for this Otis Advisory. www.universalfoolishness.com
President Joey usually stays over in Delaware. But sometimes he stays at the White House. So we thought, when he’s there, go on and put the inflatable ape up on the roof so everybody will know when 10% Guy is in the house and working on the Great Transition. That's a place where you may be broke, miserable and weigh about 90 pounds, but like Joey says, “Hey, I’m worth it!” It’s the lesion that never heals. Hear Podcast. Wash Hands. www.universalfoolishness.com
Everybody knows you NEVER bring the creepy dolls down from the attic. But that’s just what’s happened! Now you have olive loaf for dinner and something called Beto Francis for Governor. What a mess. Catch this report from the salty scholars of Think Tank Island. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands. www.universalfoolishness.com
Joey needs the JAWS OF LIFE to come get him and pull him out of this wreck. “Why don’t they love me," cried Joey? "Look how adorable I am when I tell ‘um how things could be worse!” Clap or I’ll kill you works for Putin at his Moscow rallies, with a lot less processing and handling than those mail in ballots. That’s when the MIND VIRUS kicks in! Hear Podcast. Wash Hands. www.universalfoolishness.com
President Joey, now a known pathogen, be-clowns himself each day with garage band psychotherapy designed to show you where you’re going wrong. Wiggle words help him do that, so you need to know the difference. "If we just stop drilling for oil, we'll have all the energy we need." Get the latest Advisory. more at www.universalfoolishness.com
INSPIRED BY TRUE EVENTS, The Otis Advisory is a daily News Cartoon for radio. Senior Fellow Otis finishes off political correctness for a grateful nation in these fully produced news cartoons for radio, Join the pageantry and wade into the guilt-free waters of Think Tank Island for a scalding look at the Shitegeist of our time. Otis channels Roy & Will Rogers to hold up a mirror to all that offends us. Wife Supremacy, Vaping in a Sock Hat, Gluten-Free Bread Lines, Day Drinking in Dallas, all the usual stuff right here at www.universalfoolishness.com - it's your coach class ticket to comedy. “The name’s Otis, I’ll see you at the peace march.”
Say hello to Miss Information, she’s freedom’s executioner and bag man to keep a lid on anything you’ve got to say. This means you, the gas supremacist complaining about what it costs to fill up the hummer. Hear podcast. Wash hands.
Masks have risks too, and have been known to get caught in a fan or stuck in a bucket of chicken. But quitting is hard. Your therapy mask has been such a good friend and convenient way to help show disgust for others, like Hummer drivers. Comforting isn’t it, and not that different from when they used to put saltpeter in your food to calm you down. You’d just go limp and wait for further instructions. Same feeling you get with your Face Diaper! And the weenier it gets the more you are admired! Like the self-licking ice cream cone of obedience. Hear this Otis Advisory - then wash hands.
The gag order has been lifted. Thanks to that nice Mr. Musk, now patron saint of self-expression, SPEAK YOUR MIND is back in town and fans of freedom couldn’t be happier. It only took 44 billion dollars to knock the bottom out of this yappy little waste processing system and make it into something worth tweeting in. Hear Podcast. Wash Hands.
Dog’s tail doesn’t lie, and this dog is not happy. Those with a PHD in shovel can get cranky fast at $120 a tankful. Hear Podcast. Wash Hands.
Blame everything on inflation. But why, it's really just the swelling that comes up later after the damage was done. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands!
You can't negotiate with your own pants, even though the Mouse says you can. This is not what Walt Disney meant by Magic Kingdom! It's another News Cartoon from Think Tank Island. Hear podcast. Wash hands.
It's another News Cartoon from Think Tank Island. Secret Service asking why they have to still watch Hunter. Suggest writing BASURA on his forehead and setting him out by the curb. This could go either way- Hear podcast. Wash hands.
Here's another News Cartoon from Think Tank Island. The Big TV Smackdown is now part of the Sheitgeist of our time in the New America. Joey should be glad they didn’t have this during the last debate or Kamala would have finished him off in the “A” block. Try it yourself at work, at school or at the store next time somebody says to you, "no worries." Click to take the 90-second vacation from thinking right!
Oh the larceny! Jesse Smallberries out of Chicago hopped a cab to Michelle's house to get the good wrinkle cream since they don't carry it in prison. D'Otis and the salty scholars at the bait camp report in this News Cartoon from Think Tank Island.
Valuable investment from the salty scholars of the Discount Think Tank & Bait Camp. Hear podcast - wash hands.
Have you seen the billboards? “SLEEP FREE FOR A YEAR!” Wait, how’s that gonna work? How many Biden Bucks are you gonna need before you go lights out? Hear the new advisory now!
Before you start doubting yourself, here’s somewhere else you might want to look. Now it’s hard to believe this, but there’s more unwanted advances from BETOFRANCIS – who, this time, wants you to believe he has what it takes to be Governor of Texas. Hear this new advisory!
Kamala breaks down the Ukraine war and global crisis in a special "See Spot Run" explanation that's easy for us to understand. Don't miss this latest Otis Advisory for the back story. Hear podcast. Wash hands.
What if all the government guys would just clump up together into a ball like wet kitty litter so you could just scoop ‘em up and throw them all out in one load? Hear the latest advisory now!
Oh look, here comes famous Brooklyn explorer and teenage congress lady Sandy O’Communist Cortez de Putanasa, seeking a new trade route to your wallet with her simplified 2-step Tax Form. Step 1, how much did you make? Step 2, send it in. Hear the latest advisory now!
So there you are, hanging like a lose tooth and wondering what’s up with all this TV chin boogie about freedom. Even your little pale face brothers from the north, in Canada, are getting all worked up about having to live in doggy daycare from now on. Hear the latest advisory!
Any pajama boy can tell you, ranch dressing is a threat to our democracy! And why not? It says ranch! And ranch could remind you of Roy Rogers. Hear the latest advisory now!
Double-secret whistleblower Uncle Otis here with an exclusive dramatic reading of young Hunter’s letter to he Daddy just before the story broke about their little oil and gas honey pot in Ukraine. Hear the advisory now!
America’s wrinkly sweetheart and ghost bride of complaining, Joni Mitchell, pulled her music off Spotify in protest over something she’s pretty sure is important. So now, if you want to get really depressed you’ll have to go somewhere else for your Joni Mitchell records. Hear the new Otis Advisory!
The black box data recorder has now been recovered from the crash site of Joey’s presidency and rushed to the Bait Camp Think Tank for analysis. Its pretty clear Joey was losing altitude fast. Navigation on the whole thing was all but disabled so no one on board seemed to know where they were!
Hear Podcast – Wash Hands
Big Candy Boss Say M&M Avatars Need A Marketing Makeover. Need To Look More Gender Negotiable Than Gender Confident. Somehow, In Their Little Candy Minds They Had Figured Out What To Do With Their Zippers Without Government Help - Big Woke Problem. Enjoy This Luxury Podcast From The Uncle Otis Discount Think Tank And Bait Camp.
Latest Otis Advisory: If you didn’t already know, here’s how to tell if a wall works or not. Let’s say you’re walking down the street when BOOM, you run into a wall! What’s the first thing that happens? You stop. That wall just worked. Enjoy this 90-sec vacation from thinking right.
Have you met the Big Con? It’s the gooey cheese in the media mouse trap – the self-licking ice cream cone of bad ideas. Hear all about it in this Otis Advisory!
America’s sweetheart AOC took her show down to Florida for some beach blanket bingo at the Wiggle Room. Turns out our girl came back with the covid all over her business. What a mess! Enjoy this 90-second vacation from thinking right as you wade into the guilt free waters of the Bait Camp on Think Tank island.
In this Otis Advisory: America’s Sweetheart, Sandy O’Communist Cortez has laid out the rules for who gets to take her to Homecoming, since Dog the Bounty Hunter was busy and Roy Rogers says he would rather be covered in sticker burrs. Listen and enjoy this 90-second vacation while wading into the guilt free waters of the Bait Camp on Think Tank island.
In this Otis Advisory: A big Make China Great Again rally is set for next month at the Woohand Lab, followed by a Media Groupie bonfire on the beach. It’s a Mask-In, all paid for by the NBA and Disney there to show off their interactive Chinese Mind Control in the New America. Listen and enjoy this 90-second vacation while wading into the guilt free waters of the Bait Camp on Think Tank island.
In this Otis Advisory: Smart young homemakers know that busy people just call the Internet and have somebody come over to cut up the vegetables. When you're working on your unemployment and building your brand, you just do have time to cut up carrots. Listen and enjoy this 90-second vacation while wading into the guilt free waters of the Bait Camp on Think Tank island.
Here's The Latest Otis Advisory: Here’s the real story of Red Nose Reindeer guy who got jacked around by a bunch of snotty, two-faced reindeer giving him a hard time about the wrong color nose.
It's another Luxury Podcast from the Bait Camp on Think Tank Island.
Here's The Latest Otis Advisory: In an overheard conversation, it seems Santa Clause got his butt in a crack again this year for offering gifts in exchange for good behavior. “Look here little Hunter, sure, I'll get you a pony, but first, I need you to do something for me.”
It's another Luxury Podcast from the Bait Camp on Think Tank Island.
Here's The Latest Otis Advisory: If you’re one who avoids child infested areas, then you’ll be glad to know what the correct people have planned for anybody thinking about kids.
It's another Luxury Podcast from the Bait Camp on Think Tank Island.
Here's The Latest Otis Advisory: West Virginia Joe (the Other Joe) now controls the horizontal and the vertical! But just because Swipe Left is dead for now, doesn’t mean D-Flat has given up! Think of it like cat pee, you’ll never get the smell out!
It's another Luxury Podcast from the Bait Camp on Think Tank Island.
Here's The Latest Otis Advisory: We’re hearing the National Sleep Foundation wants to give Whispering Joe their Lifetime Achievement Award - next time he wakes up. Hey, it could happen!
It's another Luxury Podcast from the Bait Camp on Think Tank Island.
Here's The Latest Otis Advisory: Joey picked the VP cart with the wobbly wheel and now has to decide if he'll take it back for a better one, or just keep pushing it around and hope it quiets down.
It's another Luxury Podcast from the Bait Camp on Think Tank Island.
Here's The Latest Otis Advisory: Young Jessie decided to pretend he got beat up by Los Bad Guys for being so pretty! "Everybody will clap and love me more when I tell them that Orange Man made ‘em do it." Oh the larceny!
It's another Luxury Podcast from the Bait Camp on Think Tank Island.
Here's The Latest Otis Advisory: What's yours is mine! Grab whatever you want and stuff it in the nearest running car. Too easy!
It's another Luxury Podcast from the Bait Camp on Think Tank Island.
BetoFrancis is back from Election Rehab and on the prowl for more contributions. The most common side effect is nausea. Shocking! The Otis Advisory has the back story. Watch episode ~ Wash hands.
America's sweetheart is on the lose. The Otis Advisory this report from the front seat. Hear podcast ~ Wash hands.
Irish aliens are packing their bags for the border to get in line for a share of the reward money for breaking into the country. Call the White House and find out how to get your cut. Details in this new Otis advisory!
UPDATED NEW ADVISORY: Play CNN backwards and gas is half price, you have a job, taxes are down, the other guy is in the White House and the First Lady gets a lot better looking! Hear the latest 2-minute intelligence failure from Think Tank Island, with Senior Fellow Uncle Otis Watch Podcast II Wash Hands.
Play CNN backwards and gas is half price, you have a job, takes are dowwn, the other guy is in the White House and the First Lady gets a lot better looking! Hear the latest 2-minute intelligence failure from Think Tank Island, with Senior Fellow Uncle Otis Watch Podcast II Wash Hands.
LATEST ADVISORY from Think Tank Island: Too hot, too cold, too wet, too dry - it's your fault! The Big Con wants you to stop driving and just freeze in the dark. But it's for a good cause. Wade into the guilt-free waters with Uncle Otis and tell others of your kind what goes on here. Watch Podcast II Wash Hands
Here is the answer to all your problems! Hoover up whatever you fancy from San Fran Freesco stores, then come back tomorrow and do it again! Why hasn't everywhere thought of this? Wade into the guilt-free waters of Think Tank Island with Uncle Otis. Watch now and take the 2-minute vacation from thinking right. Watch Episode. Wash Hands.
In this latest Advisory from Think Tank Island, Tio Otis uncovers the secret behind Moisture Wicking, powered by artificial intelligence - yours! Meaning if you fall for this pant load to begin with, then you deserve to dry out! But that's not the only way to have the life sucked out of you. Hello Congress! Watch Podcast ~ Wash Hands.
Washington Overlords worry about Taliban not being inclusive enough. Call goes out, "need to see more girls in management! No more cash until you have Bring Your Wife to Work Day." Misogynist parlors all close in protest. Uncle Otis reports in this new advisory from Think Tank Island.
San Francisco stuns with new Bite-Back-Better economic plan. Don't shoot and win! Find out how much you could make by not shooting your friends. New report from Think Tank Island runs down the numbers. Watch Podcast - Wash Hands.
"Which one of you has the keys to the Black Hawk?," asked the State Department. "Oh crap, did we leave them in the ignition?" You'll need your special Uncle Otis Secret Decoder Ring to catch the hidden messages in this stupid bit from Think Tank Island. Watch Podcast. Wash Hands.
New study from Think Tank Island shocks global warming enthusiasts with coal-powered revelation about electric cars. Use your Uncle Otis Secret Decoder Ring to unscramble the secret messages. Watch pod cast. Wash hands.
There you sit, wearing your global warming hat, your Defund Everything t-shirt and your Debug America nose diaper. Got your pronouns all pinned to your shirt, and you always take the bus. Inclusive and ready for business! Oh the larceny! The Bait Camp Think Tank shows you the way out. Wade into the guilt-free waters of Think Tank Island and tell others of your kind what goes on here.
Trucks and flags for Independence Day - what could go wrong? Wade into the guilt-free waters of Think Tank island with Uncle Otis.
Go up with a case of Miller Lite, come back with 6 cases of Covid. That shows growth!
Shitgeist of the nation drops another 20 points. Whose sorry now? Salty Scholars of Think Tank Island analyze.
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Bus load of breathless runaways helps keep fear alive with a desperate escape from Texas. Oh the larceny! Uncle Otis and the Salty Scholars of Think Tank Island file this report. Use your Uncle Otis Secret Decoder Ring (while supplies last) to know the secret messages in this wholly combustible podcast editorial. WATCH PODCAST ll WASH HANDS
Everybody spent all their stimulation money! Kids need more cheese! Can't just ring the doorbell and run. Rulers act and call all Unicorns in on the play to help keep this sugar level HIGH! Uncle Otis explains the downside in this new, Luxury Podcast from Think Tank Island. Slower listeners keep right>>>>>
If "back to whiteness" is what you want most, you and your teeth are out of luck. Find an "employer sponsored self-hatred session" and check yourself in. The Salty Scholars from Think Tank Island are here with another episode to finish off political correctness for a grateful nation! Watch Podcast - Wash Hands
The great masters who painted Dogs Playing Cards must have seen this one coming. Pootin and Joe Crow are sitting down to each play their hand, and bets are on as to whose tail wags first. Tell others of your kind what goes on here at Galveston Island's only Discount Think Tank & Bait Camp. Finishing off political correctness for a grateful nation!
Thanks Uncle Otis for a real nice pull.
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Your green plastic army men only come in GREEN. No black, brown or pink. If you want diversity, you're out of luck. So you're gonna get yelled at and probably lose your girlfriend too unless you listen to Uncle Otis here to tell you what to do about it. Be sure to tell others of your kind about what goes on here. Push button. Get Otis. Wash hands. A service of Galveston's Discount Think Tank & Bait Camp.
They're Here! The flying teapots were real the whole time. The Feds are about to pretend to tell us what's what with UFOs. Uncle Otis and the salty scholars at the Bait Camp Think Tank are naturally way ahead of the story. It's time for Uncle Otis to reveal theone thingthat Earth can teach these advanced all here inUFOtis.Push button ll Watch podcast ll Wash hands.
In Federal Beef, Uncle Otis tracks fiscal policy beginning with the Beach Boys all the way through the pipeline shut down. Hear the shocking conclusion. Push button.. Watch podcast. Wash hands.
This hostile takeover is brought to you again by 1935, where so many deposited, but so few returned. It's back to the Master Race Virus ID all over again. From the Uncle Otis Bait Camp here on Think Tank Island, where we're always on hot standby for the next big story. Watch podcast. Wash hands.
Everywhere you go is half infested with men. But this won’t be allowed to continue much longer, so if you do know how to change a tire, keep it to yourself. Don't admit to anything. We’ve already lost some of the scariest male heroes - rounded up - like Pepe’, Speedy, Dumbo and even Pan, all too far gone and too intimidating to save. Uncle Otis reports from the Bait Camp Think Tank. Bring your secret decoder ring to get the hidden message inside this stupid bit. Watch podcast. Wash hands.
To hear more or to shop Uncle Otis merch, head over to UniversalFoolishness.com
Everywhere you go is half infested with men. But this won’t be allowed to continue much longer, so if you do know how to change a tire, keep it to yourself. Don't admit to anything. We’ve already lost some of the scariest male heroes - rounded up - like Pepe’, Speedy, Dumbo and even Pan, all too far gone and too intimidating to save. Uncle Otis reports from the Bait Camp Think Tank. Bring your secret decoder ring to get the hidden message inside this stupid bit. Watch podcast. Wash hands.
President tags Texas with "Neanderthal thinking." Texas responds in this editorial from Galveston's only Bait Camp Think Tank, with Sr. Fellow Uncle Otis.
And remember to get in on the Uncle Otis summer office pool where you guess the month for the upcoming Harris inauguration set for later this year.
Push button. Watch video. Wash hands.
Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head: a kid's toy, targeted for cancellation as gender-neutral movement inches closer to The Singularity: a oneness of thought, mind and body in a colorless, odorless cell mass. It's the New America. Can you dig it? The Otis Bait Camp Think Tank reports in as biology is replaced with political correctness - a cry for help that no one hears! Push button. Watch podcast. Wash hands.
It was a Texas Energy Smackdown and Uncle Otis is on BOIL NOTICE! Let's say you were cooking up another batch of hydroxychloroquine when all of a sudden, your lights go out! What now? Here's a good snoot full from the Bait Camp Think Tank about what to look forward to once GREEN is all you’ve got. Did hell freeze over or what? Push button. Watch podcast. Wash hands.
Here at the Bait Camp Think Tank, we study things others just can’t explain, like Texas hockey. Well I’m no beauty consultant, but one day, somebody walked into a room somewhere and announced, “I’ve thought of the perfect name for our new lady’s store – we’ll call it The Dress Barn!” How do these things happen? No one knows, but there it is. A corn fed idea like this hangs suspended in midair, while everyone nods and agrees. And while it may be Giddy-up Glamour to some, it could also be the best part of Morning in America. Push Button. Watch Podcast. Wash hands.
The "Shitegeist" of the nation - mood of the times - has somehow changed. What's stuck to your shoe today feels oddly off. You can't put you finger on it, nor would you want to, as revealed in this new editorial by Uncle Otis, Senior Fellow, Bait Camp Think Tank. Push button. Hear podcast. Wash hands.
Orange Man has left the building and now we're getting the government we deserve! Wade into the guilt-free waters of the Uncle Otis Bait Camp Think Tank and wait for further instructions. Order you Uncle Otis Secret Code Pellet Answer Ring (free with t-shirt purchase) so you can decode the special messages. Luxury podcasts from the Masterpiece Collection from the bothered mind of a widely-ignored Southern intellectual.
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Welcome to Texas! The new kids from California are starting to arrive, many with shortness of pants and a look of endless guilt and total confusion after seeing their first package of Pink Snowballs from Hostess. Uncle Otis and the Bait Camp Think Camp help out with an orientation program for the most vulnerable. Watch podcast; wash hands.
More atwww.universalfoolishness.com
In the New America, either get woke, or get put to sleep! So, dump your old Think Tank and wade into the guilt-free waters of the Bait Camp Think Tank with Sr. Fellow Uncle Otis. Think of it like a vacation from political correctness. Today's Luxury Podcast takes a look at what happened with "Fang Fang, The Spy Who Bungled Me."Push Button - Hear Podcast - Wash Hands - Buy a T-shirt
Wade into the guilt-free waters of the Uncle Otis Bait Camp Think Tank while you enjoy this tale of a bunch of snotty, two-faced reindeer, all complaining about a co-worker's "wrong" nose color, held up Christmas deliveries in a protest that went nowhere. All from the bothered mind of a widely ignored Southern intellectual. Merry Christmas!
Clause overheard offering gifts in exchange for good behavior. But now with E-Warrants, getting a court order to spy on Clause is only $20 on the internet.
Uncle Otis reports from the Bait Camp & Discount Think Tank. Watch Podcast - Wash Hands!
New report from Galveston's Discount Think Tank: In the New America we don't drive around in circles anymore, unless it comes with a campaign contribution. So get ready for first running of the ALL ELECTRIC NASCAR. Watts = volts x amps! Get used to it.
Inspired by true events, the salty scholars at the Uncle Otis Bait Camp Think Tank help kids see things that aren't there without the need for Benadryl. Public health menace or public service? You be the judge. Hear podcast. Wash hands.
Our salty scholars have unfigured out the difference between row vs. wade. It’s not that hard. When you’re wanting to school with the wild tuna, some just like to get right in the boat. They’ll row for hours if they have to, but it’s never that far to get there. Other guys just like to wade around in it for hours, sometimes all the way up to their neck. Hell making mud pies is more complicated than this. But remember, you can’t make mud pies on the moon. Their little mud pie bodies can’t survive in that environment cause there’s not enough oxygen for them to exist.
In the light from burning tires you'll look your best in Reform School gear from Universal Foolishness. Step aside bed wetters! Dropouts coming through!
Hear further instructions in a secret coded message inside this podcast. Slower listeners keep right>>> Unmask and win!
Uncle Otis and the scholars at the Bait Camp Think Tank have an easy way to understand MAIL-IN BALLOTS - just think of them like suppositories. They're not that different. So take the 3-minute podcast vacation and join in the pageantry: Uncleotis.net
With the threat of "total liberation" headed your way, some are starting now to prepare. Find some dirt; learn to use a shovel. Once everything is free, nothing has value. This new report from the Uncle Otis Bait Camp & Think Tank may smell of fish, but it offers thoughtful guidance for a post-modern world. Or at the very least, some funny BS to make you think again about how bad you really want a revolution at your house. "You bought it - you eat it," said the salesman.
If you don't want to start Renting-Your-Shoes in the New America, then get a whiff of what's in this little bait bucket. It's another luxury podcast from Cultural Observer and widely ignored Southern intellectual Uncle Otis. Push button. Get Otis.
Clear-eyed and right-thinking, Roy Rogers is now reclaiming his time right here with Uncle Otis, Senior Fellow at Galveston Island's BAIT CAMP & THINK TANK. Enjoy this latest luxury podcast from The Masterpiece Collection - then order your yard sign.
Offended by Beans – a scholarly study from The Uncle Otis Think Tank: Buying the wrong beans could mean a moderate to severe ass whipping in the grocery store parking lot. Your beans say a lot about you in the New America (and Mama was worried she didn’t raise you right!) Push Button. Get Otis. Wash Hands. A new podcast for people with their lights on!
You remember running behind the mosquito fogging truck when you were little? Well, this is kinda like that. You can survive anything, even political satire, if you can hold your nose long enough. So wade into the guilt-free waters of the Bait Camp Think Tank while you enjoy this 2 minute break from THINKING RIGHT!
"What if a naive little podcast could actually see into the future? Eyeopening, no? Hear the audio cartoonists at the Bait Camp Think Tank offer this alternative vision of post-election season. Scary, but since "the pump don't work 'cause the vandals took the handle" (B. Zimmerman) everything's on the table. Push Button. Get Otis. Wash hands.
The Bait Camp Think Tank found a few more floaters for you. Attention investors - here's your deconstructed view of the the coming post-nuclear economy. You can call the Internet all you like never get a lick of this. Get the podcast you deserve. Push button. Get Otis. Wash hands.
Street justice is now served open-faced, so you better be pulling for the right team or else. So much to apologize for - so little time! The Uncle Otis Bait Camp Think Tank is here to help. Remember, Santa don't come to the county lock up! Push button. Get Otis. Wash hands.
Black Box flight data recorder recovered from the crash site of the Joe campaign sent to Uncle Otis Think Tank for full analysis. Preliminary findings show campaign losing altitude during entire basement period. Navigation was completely disabled explains why no one ever knew where they were. Take the 2-minute podcast vacation.
Push Button. Get Otis. Wash Hands. uncleotis.net
It's a Commencement Address they'll never forget. Who let this happen? Audio Cartoonist and widely-ignored Southern intellectual Uncle Otis tunes up new grads with some bait-camp-grounded advice for the good life. Push button. Get Otis. Wash hands.
Inspired by true events! .Get ready to wrap those trees in all that extra toilet paper! Lock Down 2020 is in the history books. Push for mass bankruptcy nearly succeeds, then WOKE happened! Get the podcast you deserve: Push Button. Get Otis. Wash Hands.
You want Artificial Intelligence? You've found it. Here's "Bait Camp Science" at play as the Uncle Otis Radio Think Tank takes on the Race to Recovery at Corona Downs 2020. If you can still fog a mirror, this podcast is for you. Push Button. Get Otis. Wash Hands.
Thanks for joining in the pageantry of the Uncle Otis Radio Think Tank, your coach-class ticket to the unknown. Is it a podcast, or an audio cartoon? No matter, you'll enjoy annoying the whole family by playing one of these while they're all locked up together. Now, while everybody's thinking about important science stuff, Uncle Otis reports that the correct people have just discovered a little part in the brain that controls whether you write something in ALL CAPS or not. If you really cared, you’d have that part burned out so you don't scare the children. Push button. Get Otis.
Widely ignored Southern intellectual forms elite Think Tank, releases first key finding to relieve global OIL CRISIS. Take a 2-minute podcast vacation from political correctness. Push button. Get Otis.
And you thought Hammer Time was just Happy Hour! Take the 2-minute podcast vacation and plug into the Southern Zeitgeist with Audio Cartoonist Uncle Otis. Then, request your Personal Apology, suitable for framing. Push Button. Get Otis.
One day, in a far away place called Wet Town, there came a shy little bat along with a very big "Ooops." Now, the cat that normally does Easter is sidelined for the season. Say hello to the Easter Bat! So sorry - all from the bothered mind of Uncle Otis, widely ignored Southern intellectual.
Take a 2-min podcast vacation with Uncle Otis. Soon, somebody you don’t know, and haven’t personally washed, will once again be making you a cocktail and handing it to you -- right before your eyes. You'll down it and order another. That, and waking up to toilet-paper-wrapped trees, will be the sign that this is finally over.
It's a PODCAST inspired by true events. Take the 2-minute vacation with Audio Cartoonist and widely-ignored Southern intellectual, Uncle Otis. Hear what drives the developmentally optimistic further into madness, or into a home made virus helmet. Same difference.
Push Button. Get Otis.
Bars and bait camps are closed. Nothing left but Lifetime Movies for Women. Drinking in Place and a guilty grin helps hasten the transition to Corona Light! Uncle Otis reports.
Shelves are empty and rolls are running low. Everclear may be a natural disinfectant, but it stings.
Uncle Otis warns: you can catch this virus from an electric car - and don't think you can't.
Plus, stay out of public restrooms. That's what trees are for.
Don't over think this - just hear the 2-min podcast, then wash your hands!
TV debate, or box of free kittens left on the porch? You decide. "Pick me! I'm the loudest."
It's the PODCAST you deserve, from a widely-ignored Southern intellectual. GET REGULAR ~ GET OTIS.
It’s not a bowl of oatmeal, it's Mayo Pete, the miracle spread! Every carefully constructed mouthful of answers is perfectly sized for the little guy. May contain bull corn. Some foreign ingredients remain inert, for now.
Wife Supremacy can happen anywhere, so watch for the signs to know if you're a victim. Make sure you're getting credit for sleep as time not drinking. That counts too.
IMPEACH-ME-NOTS ARE IN FULL BLOOM. They're growing just about everywhere, but see to thrive in total darkness.
Uncle Otis has the inside story.
Uncle Otis shares this personal letter from the Peloton Husband.
Uncle Otis asks Lil' Whiskers to weigh in with some Man-Splaining to help make sense of it all for a grateful nation.
This year's Big TV Underpants Show got cancelled.
Here's some MAN-SPLAINING to understand what girls really want in the New America.
Joe was about ready to go with SWIPE LEFT for his campaign slogan, until he found out it meant delete! The campaign is starting to look shovel ready, and it’s this cone of uncertainty that has the Apple tribe so worried. Uncle Otis explains.
They let us take out the News Canoe to go catch up with The Modern Man. Turns out, he likes Artificial Intelligence way more than the real thing. And then there's memory foam, he just can’t get enough. Uncle Otis explains.
In a Swing State, you can come home covered in glitter and it's OK. It's a place where "party of 2" has turned into "first available." Throw in some hoop earrings and you've got a hot mess on your hands. Uncle Otis explains.
Gender Neutral Barbie and Popeye the Sailor share a toy box together. When Barbie confided in Popeye about having been double dipped, Popeye, hoping to help clear the fog, whipped out his brand statement, "I yam what I yam." Clarity! Uncle Otisexplains.
Uncle Otis comes up with a copy of a letter young Hunter MIGHT have written to his daddy after all the Moose & Squirrel news broke. There are lots of surprises. But, we're relieved to learn that little Hunter was only in Ukraine for the nachos, cabbage and potato, a world's favorite it seems. Shakedown? What shakedown? Uncle Otis explains.
It's inviting. The Cheese in the Mousetrap is waving, "come on in." Looks all gooey and free, but there's a trap. Uncle Otis explains.
It's blooming season again when each tribe is out picking Impeach-Me-Nots. They grow just about anywhere, but seem to do best in total darkness. Both tribes keep picking until they get the answer THEY want. Careful though, those compression fractures can be nasty. Uncle Otis explains.