The Human Centipod: Recent Episodes
The Human Centipod
“Silly, sick and stuck together."
Carmen Lynch (@carmencomedian) is a stand up comic ("The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon," "Conan"). John Reynolds (@afistfulofbabies) is an Emmy winning comedy writer (“Late Late Show,” “The President Show”). They’ve been dating for MANY years and never worked together until the coronavirus forced them into self-quarantine forever. Episodes 1 through 7 were recorded in John's mother's car at an undisclosed location surrounded by most of John’s family. The rest...well...you'll just have to listen.
In this up-and-down episode, the duo embarks on a rollercoaster of hilarity as Carmen relates her recent visit with family to King's Dominion, bravely conquering rides with names that sound more like pro wrestlers circa 1987: Racer 75! The Intimidator! The Dominator! However, adrenaline-fueled excitement soon gives way to an urgent need for a break, and Carmen and John dive into the gripping world of "ZOM 100" (Movie Review), where even zombie sharks can't resist a good read (thanks for that one, A.I. Makes NO sense). To top it all off, they swing by Studio 67 in Medford, NJ to dish out the comedic highlights from John's latest stand-up show. Once you buy your tix to The Human CentiPOD, you might just find yourself wanting to ride this comedy coaster over and over again til you puke, you silly minxes!
Carmen and John embark on a journey from a dock in Southern Virginia, immersing themselves in the heart of 'Trump Country.' The locals exude hospitality, yet they uncover subtle 'tells' that unveil their allegiance to almighty Dayglow Donny. Next, the duo delve into a gripping movie review of 'Alice in Borderland' on Netflix. Transitioning gears (not genders. Gears. Calm down.), C & J introduce their very own sleuth, Johnlock Homies, who takes on the challenge of decoding the enigma that is his archnemesis: Carmenoriarity. In English: After spending a week with her family, John attempts to decipher the array of quirks and complexities that define Carmen's world.
Carmen and John venture into the world of Barbie, joined by Carmen's 18-year-old niece. The trio dive into discussions about the recent movie, dissecting both its charm and its criticisms, including a random tweet from Bill Maher. Broadcasting from a beach house retreat, the hosts navigate a sea of fun, featuring a plethora of old-school video game consoles, quirky marine encounters with jellyfish and stingrays. Meanwhile, back in Queens, people are now getting eaten by sharks as more proof the world can’t end fast enough. The episode finally takes an insightful turn as Carmen's niece shares her aspirations for a future major in tourism, shedding light on a new generation's perspective and dreams. But don’t worry, there’s still the occasional curse word and the random dumb song.
Hold onto Uranus, because Carmen and John are back with an episode that's out of this world! Prepare to have your conspiracy-loving minds blown as the duo dives into the recent mind-boggling UFO findings – yes, you heard it right, alien tech that's so advanced, even our microwaves are feeling insecure (thanks for that one, Chat GPT). But here's the kicker, folks: while extraterrestrial gear is making cameo appearances in all our lives, turns out, no one really gives a cosmic hoot! But fear not, we're not just probing Area 51 today; we're also giving Congress a much needed prostate exam as we walk you through a roll call of oldies in government – from McConnell's poker face to Biden's aviator sunglasses, and don't even get us started on Feinstein's secret stash of... cough drops? (You’re on a roll, Chat GPT!). And that's just the appetizer, because we're cranking up the weird meter with a mysterious Movie Review that's so spine-tinglingly hilarious, we legally can't even mention the name in this synopsis! Then it’s a smorgasbord of climate change topics from melting dead hikers to nature's culinary delights. Remember: the truth is out there, but so is the laughter! (Okay, Chat, you dropped the ball on that one.)
Ever wondered what happens when movie genres collide? The Centipodders got the scoop as they dive into a movie review of "Happy Death Day," where Groundhog Day meets horror! It's more kooky than spooky. Then, buckle up for Carmen's wild workout struggles with rock climbing - it's no walk in the park, boy howdy! At one point, John thinks he's a genius when he comes up with a climbing comedy premise, but is he really? (Answer: yes.) Next, Carmen spills the beans on her obsession with "American Ninja Warrior," and trust us, it's ninja-tastic (just like that wordplay was wordplay-arvelous)! Finally, get ready for some goofs 'n' giggles as Carmen spills the beans on her American comedy special and the awkwardness of listening to yourself while editing yourself - we've all been there! BONUS: You, the listener, are beautiful.
In this uproarious episode, Carmen and John go haywire now that SAG and the WGA are striking together - especially since the discovery of sneaky studio execs who plan to wait out for broke writers to lose their homes. Those nasty crumb-bums! But fear not, thanks to SAG, the picket lines are looking fabulously fierce. Meanwhile, John's sail rises from a recent "Castaway"-like news story, and Carmen's second comedy special has her battling the funny flu...again. Finally, hold on tight as Carmen takes you to a music and comedy festival called CRUILLA in Barcelona, where the jokes and melodies collide for an unforgettable hermosa noche of ha-ha's (we mean JA JA's!)
The great Phoebe Robinson sits with the duo for a full-ep interview. The comedian, actress, and New York Times best-selling writer discusses where she was quarantined at the beginning of Covid and how it impacted her relationships. Also filming her movie, “Ibiza” and how much sleep she lost. That’s about when John shows up due to running late thanks to the WGA strike (and oversleeping). MORE: Carmen and Phoebe swap comedy stories, talk Bill Murray’s new girlfriend, what it was like for Phoebe to interview Michelle Obama FIVE times, and how all the comedy career rules are constantly changing. PLUS info on how to get tix for Phoebe’s new tour “Messy AF.”
The duo gives a Writer’s Strike update. Those evil studios are starting to cancel shows, specifically signaling buyer’s remorse for activist shows like “Dear White People.” Wow. You mean corporations DON'T care about people and ideals and equality and ONLY care about money? Huh. Then Carmen and John talk about their time together in Philly prepping for Carmen's special (already taped - thanks to all who attended! More news on that in the coming weeks). Carmen also has a story about her Uber driver when she was in Dallas. John was in Michigan for his niece's graduation on a hot early summer day from the comfort of his air-conditioned hotel room.
In this episode, the Centipod welcomes guest, Lane Moore: comedian, author, Tinder Show Host! Lane talks about her new book, "You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult.” Carmen and John learn a lot from Lane about a topic they know very little about: friendship. Lane goes over not only how to make friends as an adult, but also how to keep them, and, above all, how to have meaningful friendships. Lane also discusses her very popular traveling stage, "Tinder Live" and gets into all the rip-off versions out there. Everyone should check out this show, but BUYER BEWARE -make sure you've got tix to the original! Also in this ep, be on the "listen out" for a gas leak - and for once it has nothing to do with John.
Carmen swears to John she didn't get a butt lift and never will. Then she talks about recent anti-aging facials which she thinks are dumb, but Carmen will do anything to look younger ON HER SPECIAL. DID WE MENTION CARMEN LYNCH IS SHOOTING A COMEDY SPECIAL (see her website for detes!) Then the duo talk about the difference between therapy and Mel Robbins. (HINT: therapy is talking about your feelings but Mel is about ACTING on them!) Also John can't stand Mel's voice so doesn't listen to her. MOVIE REVIEW: Crap starring Stephen Merchant. Also John gives a WGA strike update including how long he thinks it will go for and why all show business problems can be blamed on Harvard comedy writers. Bitter much? Answer: Yes.
Carmen's not that kind of "special" (yes she is), but she IS taping TWO comedy specials and she shares all of the details and psychotic thoughts she's having about that. Then the duo discusses a recent article about Joe Rogan's new comedy club and John coins the term "digital speakeasy" and your dumb ears are there to witness it. Carmen also recounts her week performing at Brad Garrett's comedy club at the MGM in Vegas and the amazing blast she had - and Brad was there and he's the best! EVERYBODY LOVES BRAD, YOU MEAN! BONUS: A special guest drops by (but it's not Brad).
Jena talks about her new book “Not Funny: Essays on Life, Comedy, Culture, Et Cetera,” what long form improv taught her, how Chicago wasn’t such a fan of hers (but NYC was), an incident with an interview where she was taken very out of context and made to look bad and forever deemed “The Muse of Mediocrity." Jena and Carmen also compare their experiences at the Edinburgh Festival. Finally, Jena talks about working with Sasha Baron Cohen on the Borat sequel as well as her time on Letterman. Oh, and there’s also a really fun technical glitch!
The actress - who brings the hilarious Stevie Budd to life on the Emmy-winning sitcom - sits down with Carmen and John for the entire ep. She's on to promote her new rom-com, "The End of Sex" which the duo loved way more than they thought they would. Seriously, who watches rom-coms anymore? Well, John and Carmen are here to tell you to watch this one! Funny, poignant and well acted, it's quite the treat among the blah superhero pickings out there. Emily talks about working with an intimacy coordinator on a movie set for all the sex scenes (oh yeah!). Then John picks her brain about her new graphic novel "Amelia Aierwood - Basic Witch." Finally, the threesome gets into what the writer's strike might mean for our entertainment future - if it happens!
Carmen tags out of this episode thanks to a hilarious root canal (so you know what she'll be TRYING to talk about next ep)! John does his best to make their guest feel at home - Zach Zimmerman, a kick-ass standup and now book author of the hilarious collection of essays, ”Is It Hot in Here (Or Am I Suffering for All Eternity for the Sins I Committed on Earth)?” There's also some real poignant parts, too! John and Zach discuss his writing process, Zach trying out as a male cheerleader in high school, Zach coming out to his Christian relatives, and they both share stories of having their lives saved by professionals: firemen in Zach’s case, lifeguards in John’s. Why don't you save your own life from boredom by listening to this episode?
Welcome to the latest episode of "The Social Butterfly Effect," where Carmen and John talk about how social media is taking over our lives and leaving us with no time for anything else, am I right??? The duo discusses some serious issues in this one, like plastic surgery and how it's taking over our feeds. But, they’re also going to have some laughs along the way, because let's face it, if we don't laugh, we'll cry. Not that you’ll be able to tell anyone’s crying thanks to all the plastic surgery, am I right??? John and Carmen also talk about how corporations have us by the balls and how we're all addicted to attention (watch Chris Rock's new special.) Carmen also relays her recent iPhone service chat experiences with a tech helper named “Manmeat" who gave her some virtual love. Next, John fantasizes about adding a sex robot to his and Carmen’s bed and, not to be outdone, Carmen wants to add her own sex robot, too (see “Manmeat”). The duo saves the episode's real gold for last when they talk about Judy Gold and her amazing one-woman show Off-Broadway. Overall, it’s a real family-friendly episode if you fast-forward through certain (most) chunks. Enjoy!
We talk Donald Trump's indictment, which feels like it was ages ago but we always give it a new twist. Then there's Dilbert’s Scott Adams and racism, diversity in the workplace, a new cafe near the duo and the sweet, horrible woman who runs it, and NOT a movie review of Peacock’s “Poker Face.” Somebody has cramps in this episode, can you guess who?
In the first episode of Season Five of the Human CentiPOD, Carmen and John review their European comedy tour (or, rather, Carmen’s comedy tour that John hijacked for seven days). Thanks to a German-wide airport strike, Carmen and John got to feel what it must've been like to be a German Jew in 1939 as they tried to escape - only to run into totally different problems in London. Also, John forgot to pack something very important for the trip that doesn't involve his penis for once. Movie Review: HBO's "The Last of Us" starring Pedro Mandalorian as the guy and also a girl is in it. BONUS: Carmen sleep talks for a change.
It's the final episode of Season 4 before the duo launch into Season 5 sometime in April. If you're a Patreon member, you will get exclusive mini-episodes in the meantime, lucky bastards. In this finale of all things "fin" Don Lemon's horrible misogyny is discussed ad nauseam. So is Patricia Heaton's response (bet you weren't aware of that one - but she did). Movie Review: "My Policeman" starring Hairy Styles. In the end, Carmen and John discuss their favorite moments from their fourth season of their AM radio knock-off known as a podcast. Or at least moments. See you in April!
John went to KIDSCREEN - a conference for producers and writers and investors, etc. for all things animation. Held in Miami this year and starting on Super Bowl Sunday (because nerds who draw cartoons don’t watch), Carmen learns (as will you) everything you never wanted to know about the animation world. The duo next launches into cures for bad backs. Well, not so much cures as complaining. Somehow this leads to talk of colostomy bags as John recounts the time his dad had one for three months. It's an episode full of literal crap for a change - enjoy!
Miley Cyrus’ new song "Flowers" is discussed and dissected at length - and very lovingly since Carmen thinks it speaks to her personally and John thinks it's the perfect theme song for the social media age - everyone is isolated so you have no choice but to love yourself, so you might as well love yourself better. Then Carmen quizzes John on relationships before he launches into telling old Valentine's Day jokes he wrote on a CBS show from long, long ago. The duo wraps up by asking Chat GPT specific love questions. That's right, they use the most powerful AI tool in history to answer Magic 8-Ball-style questions. Happy Valentine's Day!
Carmen and John spend most of this episode celebrating the beginnings of Black History Month. But before that, they finally detail what happened with last week's "Lost" episode. THEN...the new - and critically contentious - MLK statue in Boston is discussed (mostly because it looks like a penis - which the duo just can't see). Other segments include: "Some Of Our Favorite People Who Happen Be Black" and "Let's Use Chat GPT to Solve Racism" including the AI's thoughts on whether or not there will be a race war and, if yes, what should everyone wear for it?
It's Carmen's birthday! John gave Carmen an intimate gift: the privilege of picking him up after his recent colonoscopy. The pair get into the ins and outs of colons including an incredible anecdote about how technology helps us to be disgusted, quicker. Then mortality is discussed. But don't distress, for there is a movie review of Netflix's "The Menu" followed by John's telling of the one time he ever waited tables in his life. Oh and then there's a second movie review! This time of "M3gan." This one was actually seen in a real live movie theater - you'll want to check this out just to hear what moment scared the duo the most. Also: do you smell? Well, don't worry if you do, because this episode contains a fake commercial about a fake product that will do nothing to help you so actually, yeah, keep worrying.
Carmen and John are either sick or surrounded by sickies. Everyone is sick now - it’s the thing. This episode is over zoom for personal Carmen reasons that she gets into. Then the duo talk a lot about getting old. Also John had lunch with his landlord recently. And then, oh, wow, things get real personal when John talks about all the women with herpes he’s slept with. This segues into the history of HPV. But don't forget Movie Reviews! The couple just finished the Shetland TV series on Britbox and then they give you an earful, mate. Which gets the two also talking about what celeb of the same gender would they sex up if they were allowed. Also, Carmen spills secrets about a past boyfriend. What a saucy ep!
Carmen plugs so many upcoming shows that at first you may mistake this episode for just one long commercial. Then John coughs (there’s a bit of phlegm in this episode as the hosts battle rival colds). Movie Reviews (really Movie Ruinations since it’s wall-to-wall spoilers) include “Bodies, Bodies, Bodies” and small discussions about “Pearl” and “Tar.” Next, Carmen talks about taking her family to Six Flags Kings Dominion over Christmas and riding rollercoasters in the freezing cold. The duo wraps up talking about gifts. Wraps up, get it? 2023 is of to a punny start!
Carmen and John close out the year with several in-depth movie reviews starting with “The Black Phone” starring Ethan Hawke’s forehead. Then there's “The White Lotus” and, amazingly, the duo never connects the black and white connection between the two titles. Carmen goes on to relate how “The White Lotus” got her recent post booted from Instagram thanks to Theo James’ pee pee. The duo next discusses a big new story in John’s life and then wonder about what should or should not be posted on socials. The final review is of a Britcom that came out ten years ago proving once again that when the hosts of THE HUMAN CENTIPOD come late to a party they come LATE. Happy New Year!
Carmen and John continue a Christmas tradition on the Centipod by not having any tradition at all. John tells the tale of the time he had to fake talking to Santa on his cell phone in order to fool his toddler son and save the day. Meanwhile, Carmen reads random letters from strangers to Santa so she can mercilessly pick them apart for all sorts of non-Christmas-y reasons. The continuing homeless problem in this great nation of ours is also discussed. Throughout, the listener is treated to special Yuletide messages from Santa, Mrs. Claus, some reindeer, and...the ghost of Casey Kasem!
New York City is pulling mentally unstable people off the streets and involuntarily sending them to hospitals. But the duo would rather focus on Hulu's "The Patient" starring Steve Carell. Carmen and John spend fifteen minutes basically telling everyone not to watch it and why - even though they loved it! Also: Thanksgiving recap: Thanksgiving in a Virginia restaurant! PLUS: The worst fake commercial yet. Then - why a notable comedy club gave Carmen Lynch a baseball bat for headlining is never really explained, but what the duo want to do with said baseball bat is gone into with great, long, unnecessary detail.
Ian talks about his new (and very funny) comedy special on HBO: “Romantic Comedy." Ian and Carmen swap club stories and also tell some of their fave/worst comedy moments. Then Ian answers the question everyone wants to know the answer to: what is it REALLY like to be Afro-Latino? Then things get serious (but not too serious) when Carmen and John get into Ian's challenges of having to put a new hour together during the sudden death of his mom last year. If you like what you hear, the show’s Patreon account HAS A BONUS CLIP where Ian talks about his writing process that's very interesting which John especially found illuminating (and slightly arousing).
The Best Podcast Episode of 2022 is this one. Well, maybe not the "best," but it IS Carmen and John's favorite so far. Beginning with John telling a true and funny story about someone messing up pronouns in a work situation - and it won't offend you, we promise, ya tippy-toed water sprites! Also, Carmen relays big news about not being in therapy anymore (and John can tell - also check out her nutso TikTok videos for more proof). Carmen also uses this opportunity to plug her new Spanish podcast and then John whines that he needs to learn Spanish. The show also has some new fake sponsors and Carmen plugs her new queef T-shirt that you the listener can actually purchase! (It's a t-shirt with a funny queef joke, not a t-shirt she queefed on, but those also sell well.)
Carmen and John talk about their favorite movie of the year for the entire episode. If they believed in awards, they'd also believe this film really should win Best Picture. They also break down typical horror movie tropes and cliches and explain (poorly) how this movie turns them all on their heads. At one point, the movie inspires Carmen to talk about the time long ago when she was almost abducted by a creep in a van (no, that's not how she met John. He used a net). Throughout, of course, John does more mansplaining than moviesplaining. If you haven't yet seen this movie, by the end of this episode it will feel like you did (although a much more ridiculous version).
The duo recounts their very recent trip to San Francisco together as John continues to stalk Carmen while she's on the road. Carmen details a part of her act containing queefs which is very important. Meanwhile, John remembers his time living in the Bay Area back in the 90s and his adventures at the American Conservatory Theater where he earned his Equity card that he's barely used since. Carmen then shares a tale of meeting a new four-legged friend which leads the two to discuss pets in general. PLUS: More terrible fake commercials!
Carmen and John’s guest in this episode is André Darlington, food critic extraordinaire and author of eight books including his latest: “BAR MENU: 100+ Drinking Food Recipes for Cocktail Hours at Home.” André gets everyone in the holiday spirit by talking nifty liquor and food combos. He then shares which are the drunkest countries in the world and also fascinating histories behind some of your favorite cocktails. As the episode continues, Carmen and John get drunk on all the fun and you’re guaranteed to feel it, too. Or at least the hangover.
Carmen went to Skankfest (held in Vegas this year - zowie!), gives a full report, and that’s the cleanest part of this episode. Lots of filthy talk in this one - not the curse-word kind, more the disgusting details of life type. Earwax build up, feathered asses, nipple pasties, the works. Then Carmen reviews movies John hasn’t seen and they all have a similar theme - they suck. Also, they’re about climbing (hence, they suck). You know what doesn’t suck? YOU - mostly because you read this far. Enjoy!
Carmen and John do a movie review of an actual movie for a change: The Innocents on Netflix. This leads to discussion of their most favorite recent horror movie (Can you guess what IT is? Hint, hint.). Then Carmen and John discuss a rodent problem in their beautiful home. Including their experiences with a caustic exterminator and Carmen’s NJ apartment vermin problems which were way worse back in the day. Then they may or may not see an actual mouse DURING the record. Also: Fake commercials!
Carmen has a run-in with her old flame - DAVE! That’s David Letterman to you. They talked for about 10 minutes so of course Carmen and John talk about that talk for about 20. Also, this is a "Cobra Kai" heavy ep because the duo just binged the tawagoto out of Season 5. All they need now is for Johnny Lawrence (not Walker, that’s alcohol, CARMEN!) on the show. BONUS: The couple compares the Kai to Stranger Things and dare to pick a favorite!
Hilarious stand up comedian and star of "The Ms Pat Show" on B.E.T., MS. PAT blesses The Human Centipod with her kick-ass presence for the full episode! The duo jumps right in when John congratulates her for her Emmy nom (mostly as an excuse to mention he won one) and then things spiral out into hilarity from there as the duo grills Ms. Pat on such topics as how to stop selling crack and start doing stand up. Also covered: what it's like when a white woman directs an all-black cast in a TV show that liberally drops the n-word. By the end, the THC Hall of Fame-er (we're calling it right now) is telling the audience how to buy a house without getting cheated and convincing Carmen that her parents probably use dildoes (and label them). Sit down, strap in, and shut the eff up as Ms. Pat takes the mic! BONUS INTERVIEW segment available only to Patreon members!
Carmen and John have had comedian Patricia Galván on the show before, but never to such an extent that John is clear kicked off the ep entirely. That's okay, he can use the downtime to learn Spanish as Carmen and Patricia recount their recent shows together in Miami. The Spanish ladies also talk about the difference between doing comedy shows in English and in Spanish. Then Patricia discusses life in Spain with her family (and Mormon dad) and the rampant racism she’s encountered not just in America but even in her own country. Finally, the duo sing real Spanish songs and Patricia updates Carmen on Spanish superstars because Carmen only knows Enrique Iglesias. The whole thing is in English but "¡Que te lo pases bien!"
Summer is over and so is any real reason for living, but the duo tries to push on anyway as they speak of what they'll miss most from the hottest June through August on record. Then the duo movie reviews the horse out of "Nope." Plus Carmen tells a heartwarming story about a transient. Then Carmen brings everyone down discussing a good cause linked to her mom‘s recent multiple myeloma diagnosis and how she's (Carmen, not her mom) running to raise money for the cure. If you'd like to help, please visit: https://give.themmrf.org/fundraiser/4055138
John's also in this episode somewhere but you may have to squint your ears to find him.
Carmen’s sister, El, visits the podcast from Spain. She talks about what she loves/hates about the differences between America and Spain. Then she relates her obsession with Hallmark Channel movies which sadly can only be seen in America (sadly for Americans). Then Carmen grills her on the differences between the Spanish language and the Catalan language (don’t call it a dialect!). BONUS: one of Carmen’s nieces makes a cameo to grill Carmen (and John) on their Catalan knowledge. Guess who does better.
Carmen discusses her recent comedy tour for the military with her friend Kyle Ocasio that included stops in Italy, Turkey and Your Mom's Box. She also goes into great detail about having a Turkish bath which John repeatedly begs her to tell slower. Then the duo interviews Carmen's teen nieces from Spain. Topics covered: favorite American food, Roe v Wade, Carmen's fashion sense, European football vs. American, Carmen's sister (their mother) and the fact that Carmen has no fashion sense.
Congratulations to THE HUMAN CENTIPOD for reaching their 100th episode! Or 101st. (They're not very well organized.) But hey, the important thing is for everyone listening to congratulate them with a big, fat, positive review on iTunes! THANKS! Meanwhile, to celebrate, Carmen tells the story of how she recently saved an old lady’s life in an elevator. And John remenisces about a very special pair of pants. Then Carmen and John role-play as the people who won the recent $1.6 billion Mega Balls Lottery Balls. What an episode! Here's to a hundred (or a hundred and one) more!
Carmen and John spend way too much time talking about Jeff Bridges in "The Old Man" on Hulu. John Lithgow's in it, too! Then John gets angry that dead movie stars have better careers than he ever will. This is followed by Carmen regaling you all with tales of how she tried to get into the FBI and being grateful (as should you be) that she didn't. The duo then takes on aging and how it flattens the living experience (but don't worry, it's not as depressing as it sounds). The episode finishes up like most great podcasts do: by shitting on New Yorker cartoons.
Carmen deals with a subway pusher - luckily the guy is ON the train and not pushing her in FRONT of one. A quiet Nordic man is her Thor protector so listen to the full episode to get the rest. Meanwhile, Carmen also has a strange disorder and John reveals that a HUGE MOVIE STAR shares the same affliction (hint: the star may or may not be mentioned in the episode title). Then Carmen gets all hot because she shares the same illness with her crush. Finally, the duo brings it home with some very exciting talk about Saint Days (it's a Spanish thing, so if you're bored during this part then you are a racist).
Most of this episode is about Asian clam dicks and Charles Lindbergh's son (the un-kidnapped one) whom Carmen's family knew. But first, Carmen and John do a little podcast housekeeping (Carmen wants to make a joke about how the segment's all about the podcast's cleaning lady, but John tells her not to please god no). Plus, the duo celebrates all their new listeners (there's lots!) and try hard not to lose them. Next, Carmen says it looks like John got some color and hopes it's a tan and not a heart attack. Movie Review: Stranger Things Season 4!
America is in the toilet and it's all thanks to Jill Stein voters. Remember the innocent days before 911 when we were all having a party trying to find Chandra Levy's killer? Well if you don't, Carmen and John take you there like the GD masters of time travel they are. Also Carmen confesses she wants to find a dead body someday and John bitches about ageism in Hollywood like it'll change anything. By the way, George Saunders is a brilliant short story writer and Netflix never should've ruined one of his with that dumb Spiderhead movie. "A watered-down 'Squid Game'" - Carmen Lynch. And she should know. Her favorite show is American Ninja Warrior so when it comes to high-octane televised made-up sports shows, she knows what she's talking about.
The world is in free fall and the Centipodders couldn't care less because Carmen had to get a root canal. Oy! Plus John talks about being a man-whore in his past and then Carmen makes him role-play abortion scenarios. You know what else? It's Pride Month, so of course the duo must talk about the gayest of the gay: Clarence Thomas. He wants to roll back everything, this guy! But John makes a serious plea for him to roll back male frontal nudity in TV shows and movies. We know it's only there to make up for the decades of gratuitous nude boobies, but come on already! What else? Oh yeah, lots of talk about bleached buttholes. Come on, folks, you gots to listen to this one nowsies!
Most of this episode is Carmen quizzing John on all things related to Juneteenth and John clenching his buttcheeks with fear that he will be labeled racist if he gets any wrong. What a world we live in! Also there's some fun role-play and more fake commercials. By the end, you'll have learned...something, who knows what though.
Carmen talks about her recent visit to Spain and then coming back to the States to immediately deal with jury duty. Fun! Then John talks about his son’s bar mitzvah which was all mazel, man. Plus: two original commercials for stuff no one needs. BONUS: Carmen and John fight at one point and it get so heated that it needed to be heavily edited for your sensitive ears. Yikes.
Carmen's friend from high school went to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial not once, not twice but threeee times!! And John and Carmen have her on the show, because she's as close to johnny as can be. and they cant get enough. Also, check out Melissa's CBD stuff
This episode is dedicated to one of Carmen's very best friends who left us way too soon. A Celebration of Life was recently held for her, and Carmen and John discuss how amazing that was and also how there should be less funerals and lots more death parties. Also there's more Johnny Depp discussions because why stop now? Plus - listener feedback (so keep writing us with more)!
Carmen and John discuss the Johnny Depp Amber Heard trial, but only so they can make it about them. Then in the spirit of Hollywood relationships, Carmen abuses John during the actual episode. Not with actions, but with words. But thankfully John doesn't believe like the kids today do that words are violence, so he'll live. They also discuss two Robert Pattinson movies: "Batman" and "Good Time." Or as Carmen calls it "Fantastic Time!"
Carmen talks about her experiences at this year's Moontower Comedy Festival and the edibles she took there and what they did to her brain for 12 hours. Then Carmen keeps talking, this time about a big TV shoot she did. She tries not to give away details, but fails horribly. Thank god for editing. Meanwhile, John has a big announcement that's stupid and also sucks. Movie review this week: Netflix's “Anatomy of a Scandal” with Sienna Miller and some guy who looks like Orlando Bloom but isn't, but should be.
Happy Easter! Carmen tells John how Easter is different in Spain. The duo then relates who got more gifts for Christmas before Carmen turns everything into a nightmare as she regales all in the story of the Tooth Fairy in Spain. Spoiler alert: it's a rat. Plus, Easter means spring cleaning which leads John and Carmen to go back in time when John discovers old mix tapes from ex-girlfriends. Of course this leads to Carmen role playing as John's exes. Of course.
The Republican sponsored crime wave finally reaches our hosts when Carmen witnesses a murder in the streets of NYC and tells you all about it. Also, John is really upset that other people have podcasts and learns that constant "mid-sentencing" isn't just happening on THC. (Bill Maher and Quentin Tarantino mid-sentence one another ALL THE TIME). The duo then talks about vermin which is nasty but also fun, like horror-movie fun. But, seriously, don't eat during this part.
Carmen and John do a movie review of an actual movie for once. Sure it's a ten year old movie, but at least it's a movie. Movie. That's a fun word to say over and over, isn't it? Try it. We'll wait. Okay, great, now back to this episode synopsis: later, the duo discusses comedian Riki Lindhome's breasts and Carmen ponders whether or not she'd ever get nude for a movie role. Movie. Movie. Mov...(sorry). Finally, Car-Jo (that's Carmen and John to you) wrap up by sharing the separate vacations they recently took from each other.
Carmen and John talk about the recent Netflix show starring the Veronica Mars chick except John knows it's a parody and Carmen thinks it's the real deal. But they both agree, it sure is a television show so it's dumb. Then they break down Showtime's "Yellowjacket" and one of them gets very angry about Christina Ricci's eyeballs. This leads to John telling the true horrific story of people he knows who survived a plane crash (in the effing ocean)! Plus new songs and a sad attempt at a fake commercial. In other words, another great new episode!
To celebrate part two of "Women's History Month" Carmen and John talk about BAD GIRLS. You know, like Casey Anthony, Lizzie Borden, and Anna Chlumsky's acting. Also in this episode: Carmen gives John a female-centric quiz with questions like "If a woman asks her boyfriend if another woman is hot, should the boyfriend answer honestly or just drop dead already, you bastard?" Carmen and John reveal too much of their own experiences in this area. Of course they make it about themselves, they are in show business, what do you expect?
It's "Women's History Month," or as Carmen calls it, "Not Your Month, John." To celebrate, Carmen shares a list of her fave reasons she's a woman. Sure, that doesn't make much sense, but it eventually leads to things that do. Then John and Carmen discuss Netflix's "Inventing Anna" which they loved to hate. Plus, the duo sings lots of new songs (or maybe just one, but it feels like a LOT).
Carmen and John go on a Movie Review rampage as they dissect three recent movies and one popular TV series very, very poorly, but extremely loudly and combatively: The Rock’s "San Andreas," the new "Tarzan," and "Kong vs. Godzilla" plus "Cobra Kai" Season Four. Then they talk Prague leftover stories and finally John brings to the listener's ears the long awaited Nathan Lane story. Meanwhile, Carmen talks about her sexual needs including wanting to be saved by Tarzan. That sound you hear is John buying a loincloth and, yes, that is a sound one can hear, don't question!
In memory of Meatloaf, John binges on beef jerky throughout the episode. The duo discusses how their landlord regifted their Xmas gift back to them. But only the stuff in it that he didn't like (it was a box of treats and they were ALL delicious!) Also they discuss John‘s scrotal pack…that’s right every scrotum has a pack, but John's is unique. FUN GAME: Find out which celeb will die next. Meanwhile, Carmen's self-diagnosed ADHD kicks in and causes John to have a meltdown. Then the podcast episode ends...eventually.
The duo discuss the new movie "Nightmare Alley" starring Badboy Cooper. It's a story about carnies and Carmies as the "Tonight Show" star makes clear when she compares carnival acts to stand up comedians. Then John shares his new skill (hint: it involves his butt). Plus: Carmen talks pro's and cons of owning furry handcuffs before relating her big interview on "CBS This Morning " recently (where she did NOT talk about owning furry handcuffs).
It's Carmen's birthday month so you know you'll never hear the end of it. She and John regale you, the listener, in their various birthday pasts. Then it's on to the movie review segment where Carmen takes a simple premise from a straightforward documentary about mountain climbing and manages to mangle it beyond comprehension. But don't worry, John quickly swoops in and makes things even more confusing. The fun continues when Carmen shares the titles she's workshopping for her memoir about living with scoliosis. Plus there's more role-play and more fake commercials, meaning more abortions of comedy.
Want to know the best way to destroy Kylie Jenner? Pull a "Lindsay Ellis" on her. Who's that you ask? Well hit play and find out, why doncha? Also Carmen and John are off to an amazing start to the new year when their landlord ups and dies. Now what? You'll have to listen for that answer, too. Other topics discussed include listener feedback from the previous episode and more Nicolas Cage love. Plus failed fake commercials and, oh god, lots more singing.
Carmen and John discuss resolutions and why they’re so easy to stick to and how lame everyone is who can't. Plus John talks about the time he received sex tips from Dr. Ruth! Also, Carmen sings a lot. And then some random Spanish woman also sings. Then John makes a resolution he knows he will break involving not talking about a certain something for a whole year. Hmmmm....Can you guess what it could possibly be????
Merry Centimas, pod puds! John and Carmen have a load of Christmas treats in this ep which include singing original Christmas songs that will mangle the holiday season right in front of your ears. Do you know who Piss Beard, the scourge of Los Feliz, is? Well you will after listening! Plus Christmas traditions are discussed and fought over. Happy holidays to all and to all a good fight!
In this ep, John chews the scenery as usual and Carmen literally eats. She also gets her leg hairs lasered off and then divulges other womanly secrets. Singed hair reminds John of a story from his high school days involving a fellow student with the best name ever. Seriously. You won't believe how amazing this name is. Also, this person later grows up to having something very important to do with the "X Files" TV show. No joke. Plus Carmen talks her latest obsession: NBC's American Ninja Warrior which leads her to tell the tale of how she once auditioned for "Survivor." But the big question is...Can you, the listener, survive this episode????
WARNING: Carmen is drunk during this recording. She mainly talks (slurs) about what stand up has personally been like for her after lockdown. Then John makes Carmen tell of the time just yesterday she saw a man sh*t on the street outside their home (the real reason she's probably drinking). Since John never sees this kind of crazy stuff, it begs the question: Is Carmen a magnet for chaos or just extremely observant? The duo next discusses the real heroes in America. And finally, the duo reviews the movie PIG starring Nicholas Cage. So, you know, they end things all classy.
Liza Minnelli is back to introduce The Human CentiPOD's latest "Greatest Hits" episode. Listen to Carmen and John appreciate the gays as they recap which same-sex person they'd sleep with if they could force that person to have sex with them and not get arrested. Also, the duo loves performing role play (well, one of them loves it more than the other to be honest) and there's an example of that which you're sure to listen to. The hosts then save the best for last when they play A MONTAGE OF ALL OF THEIR INCREDIBLE JINGLES!!! (Don't worry they will always make more.) Are they professional singer-songwriters now??? YOU DECIDE.
John spent six years writing and performing for The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson and each year they had a different Thanksgiving monologue. Now John shares the best and the worst (sometimes one and the same!) of the Thanksgiving jokes he wrote. Meanwhile, Carmen tells riddles from the internet. Then you decide which you like best: what John worked hard on all those years ago, or the boring internet. PLUS SPECIAL UPDATE: Carmen finally reveals which magazine she appears on the cover of and shares her photos with John from her supermodel shoot, so you get John's real-deal LIVE reaction!
Carmen gives a thumbs up to the latest book she read about a hermit living alone in the woods for 27 years. Then John gets jealous. Not of Carmen's ability to read, but that there's a guy who got to spend that much time alone without anyone bothering him. Also John speaks about a recent trip to the ER (so maybe he wouldn't do well in the woods alone after all). Plus listener feedback from a previous episode and Rudy Giuliani stops by to say hello and goodbye.
Carmen and John talk doppelgängers and ponder why Carmen has TWELVE of them, which look exactly like her, but nothing like each other. It's weird! Then John gets angry about a stranger dude who confronted Carmen about her mask wearing in public. Okay, it wasn't so much a confrontation as him muttering something under his breath, but it was still loud enough for her to hear so back off. Also they review a little talked about murder series on Netflix that is amazeballs which leads to them discussing their separate adventures in Copenhagen. Well, John's isn't so much an adventure as a grasping for memories from 70 years ago, but Carmen's is like a scene right out of a scary movie so back off again. Now back off and listen!
Carmen and John talk about the recent Alec Baldwin kerfuffle/murder and many other sick Hollywood tragedies. Keeping on the showbiz theme, Carmen discusses a recent audition for a role that could change her life, but she's still on this podcast so obviously didn't get it. Also Netflix's MAID is discussed/ridiculed. GREAT show, but John has issues with it. Also John admits something HE HAS NEVER SPOKEN OF BEFORE. Also, Dave Chappelle. Also, the duo is no longer vegan and, more importantly, were they ever?
First and most importantly: Carmen just did a HUGE photo shoot for the cover of a magazine! Secondly, Happy Halloween! John and Carmen talk scary monsters (real ones in their neighborhood) and then breakdown the Number One show on Netflix. If you haven’t seen "Squid Game" by now, we have one question: who are you? Yes, there are problems with the show "Squid Game"...not this podcast. This podcast is effing perfect. And you will agree. Also, John sings.
The duo regales you, the listener, with more stories about how Carmen and John's landlord hates Carmen. Of course, the reality is much more disturbing: he's in love with John. Also, Carmen shares tips on how to deal with claustrophobia if you ever need to sit in one of those metallic coffin MRI machines. The medical conversation gets even deeper - and funnier, we promise - when Carmen details all her many friends who've been diagnosed with breast cancer recently. Plus, Carmen is working on 300 paintings at the same time. Is that healthy? Let's see what her MRI says.
It's Carmen and John's sixth year anniversary as a couple and after you listen to this episode you can start betting whether it will be their last. Kidding! They have a blast as always talking about how John can't buy gifts, Carmen's first time galloping on a horse (she's galloped plenty of other times without one), and how Carmen recently clogged a toilet that wasn't hers. And, hey, if none of these topics beats your piñata, then at least stick around to hear them celebrate National Hispanic History Month, ya gosh darn racists.
The only thing Carmen does more than exercise is brag about how much she exercises and this episode is no different as she regales John in the advantages of CrossFit training. Then the couple talk about their recent trip to visit Carmen's extended family in Spain during the Delta Variant European Tour. During this trip, one of Carmen's uncles almost gets John to start drinking again. It has to be heard to be be believed. Plus, C & J argue about the movie on everyone's minds: 1991's "The Crying Game." It gets intense, but no one cries so there's that.
John brags about how much he knows about comics. Also there's animation talk which is not the same thing as comics so try to keep up. Carmen doesn't know much about any of it but Lord knows that doesn't keep her from talking. A lot. She's seen the Simpsons once so back off! Also, Carmen's IG is @carmencomedian. Telling you because, well, if you listen you'll know why. So listen.
Carmen welcomes one of her Spanish comedian friends, Patricia Galvan, because John is nowhere to be found. Oh but also because Patricia is hilarious, and a bisexual Mormon who had a "special situation" with a bag of potatoes that must be discussed. Oh and also, Patricia lives in Spain so Carmen brings up the most important topics of all Spanish topics: independence, diversity, and royal family inbreds. ¿¿¿QUE???
The duo's favorite holiday is discussed and it has everything to do with books and reading. You know John just published a book, right? It's filled with cartoons! Go to his Instagram page to find the link on Amazon: @afistfulofbabies. Carmen is also in this episode. Specifically the part where she asks John to talk about his fetish for washing old ladies (oh, man, there's John again!). Anyway, if you like Donna Tart, Philip Roth and Ayn Rand you're going to kinda sorta love this episode maybe!
It's that time of year again: John's colon check AND Back to School for the kiddies! Carmen and John discuss their favorite school memories and a few....boogers (not a few sadly, but a lot). Carmen really gets into the difference between school in Spain and America while John listens...for once. Also at another point, John remembers a time when he was in high school and racial slurs were used against HIM! Now there's a switch, huh, guys? You still there? Try to keep up.
John and Carmen spend most of this episode talking about a piece of television that is more important than anything you've ever done or will do with your life. Seriously. You think you're important? "The White Lotus" television series program is right now saving the world while you sit there with your puny genitals in your hand crying into your soup. Just kill yourself. But before you do, listen to this episode, it's great!
Carmen and John share their favorite jokes (from others, not theirs) because it's National Tell A Joke Day or something. They also talk about immigrants which is not a joke it's a big SERIOUS issue. So is Carmen's "comedy burnout" which they also discuss. In other Discussion Departments: the duo talk John's Emmy yet again. Also Boomer Esiason might be in this episode (mentioned, not actually IN the episode). Christ almighty, laugh already - IT'S NATIONAL TELL A JOKE DAY!
Carmen and John have a lot of first world problems and they discuss them all and get tired out in that first world suffering way. ALSO: The duo buries the headline: Carmen has a very special upcoming interview with a hint: big time network channel. Oh, man, you know they talk about that for a bit. Did you know John got a big bite and it wasn't from Carmen? Well, you're gonna wanna hear about that, boy howdy! The duo then continues to talk doctors, ERs, chalky drinks, and generous landlords. The whole shebang is book-ended by one big ol' whore you won't soon forget, but will try hard to.
John talks about all the times he's pooped in front of girlfriends and wives (not necessarily his). Carmen discusses her girlfriends and how they tend to do weird things together, but definitely never the pooping thing. Also "Relationship Tips!" Like: Never watch your wife/girlfriend have a baby especially if it's a C-section. Seriously. We are trying to salvage your relationship.
John won an Emmy for comedy writing!! That news again is: John won an Emmy!!! And also, an Emmy was recently won by John!!! This is what Carmen and John talk about. Mostly. Eventually Carmen gets bored of it and starts talking horror movies. It's an episode that balances out fun and excitement with death and gore. You know, like life, mannnnnnn. Btw, John won an Emmy so you should buy his new book available on Amazon titled "Adorable Murderers" because an Emmy was won by John (!!!)
Yet another National Holiday no one knows about inspires the duo to recount their most exciting drinking escapades. Like John getting "stuck" in a Vegas strip club's Champagne Room and Carmen's six month career as a whore. We think. Who can remember, they were probably drunk while recording this. Also, season 4 of The Handmaid's Tale recently finished, so get ready for plenty of clit talk.
National French Fry Day was July 13th so John talks about working at McDonalds. Not now (yet) - when he was in high school. Then Carmen shares her "potato vagina" stories (think Dr. Seuss but for your genitals). This leads the pair to discuss the maintenance differences between vaginas and penises (you will learn from this.) Carmen also discusses her involvement with a bearded dragon which, as it turns out, is not a euphemism for a disgusting sex act (see photo).
This episode opens with a cameo from yet another dead celebrity thanks to the show’s resident medium, Andy Pitz! And also, guys? Guys? (And yes that includes GALS!) Did you know Carmen is Spanish and can prove it? (Take THAT, Hilaria Baldwin!) Carmen also discusses the sordid - yet still somehow lame - ways she celebrated the Fourth of July during her high school days. She further humiliates herself, as well as threatens her citizen status, when she reveals WHAT she used to think the "Pledge of Allegiance" was really for. Oh and guys? Guys! (YES, GALS INCLUDED!) John used to live with rodents because his dad kept trying to give the family cancer. Also John’s first book of cartoons is now available for purchase! He explains how he only redrew one of the offensive toons, thanks to the pressure he received from the voices in his head.
John continues to jealously rage against Carmen’s growing TikTok fame as yet another of her videos blows up. But John gets his revenge as Carmen describes all the weird comments she gets, especially regarding Spanish vs. Latinos and people doubting what her mom said to her once. How would you know? You weren’t there, you dumb internet losers. Also, Carmen buys plant seeds and gets in trouble with the Department of Agriculture and a fan of the podcast thinks John sounds like Mandy Patinkin but not during his Iñigo Montoya days, just his crusty, old, near-death ones. And, hey, Carmen’s giving out free tank tops! So listen to the ep to learn how to get yours!
Carmen and John talk to their good friend and actor extraordinaire, Jason Kane. Jason not only worked with your hosts back when they were lowly temps at Goldman Sachs approximately 1.4 million years ago, but he also may be one of the biggest proponents for LGBTQ that you'll ever meet in your lifetime. So who better to have on during Gay Pride Month, huh? ANSWER: NO ONE. Jason recounts his glorious comedic and moving cabaret "Why Am I Not Gay?" He also gives the hosts an update on his crush on Katie Holmes. God, this episode, right, guys? Right????
Gilbert Gottfried wishes the podcast a very special Father's Day in the only way he doesn't know how. Throughout this episode, random cute kids talk about their dads, what they like and dislike about them, etc. and you can hear the emotional scars forming that will affect them later as adults. Finally, John talks to yet another college buddy, comparing father stories that would be sweet if they didn't use the f-word so much.
Littered with guest anecdotes from a bunch of NY comedians throughout, Carmen and John reflect on graduation from kindergarten, high school, college, life, etc. Then John has a college buddy on to tell listeners the story of a big celeb's keynote speaker address at a graduation before he was horribly cancelled. Let's just say, if you're the triggered type, skip that part. But you won't want to miss it.
WARNING: Liza Minelli may or may not make an appearance! (Click play for immediate answer) Also, Carmen and John talk about their fantasy gay one night stands with celebs they are currently crushing on. Naturally they end up getting into a heated discussion about who is a better pretend gay lover. Wow. There's so much gay to discuss this month that this is just part one of TWO Gay Pride episodes on The Human GAY Centipod Gay!
A discussion about the top five countries where The Human CentiPOD is heard leads to the movie "Midnight Express", which reminds Carmen of the time she almost went to prison in India. John then recounts his travels to Russia where he bought KGB badges in the blackmarket. This worldly episode is about to make your FOGO much, much worse.
Carmen and her good friend Irene recently went GLAMPING and Carmen has to explain it to John. But to be fair, she also has to explain a can opener to John, so yeah it's one of those episodes. Anyway, other topics in this nearly 40 minute extravaganza include birds, sheep, oysters, kids, SABERING (it's not what you think! Wait...what did you think???) And then there's the story of John trying to get his son to camp that one time (camp not glamp. He would've loved THAT).
Carmen and John talk horror on TV: monsters, racism, and Alison Pill's head. Also Handmaid's Tale is back and who gives a poo? Carmen and John do. Mainly because Carmen wants to play all the roles. Then they continue with the horror theme when John decides to sing. Plus dating tips for when Covid is finally cured never.
John’s first foray into public gatherings since Covid was cured happens to be at a wake where he almost turns a tragedy into a bigger one. In a new cooking segment, Carmen shows John how to eat like a vegan while keeping his snide comments to himself. Finally, Carmen asks you, the listener, to decide what’s worse: John’s funeral faux pas or what the meat industry does to cows that you put in your mouth?
When Carmen accidentally sends a sensitive email to the absolutely wrong person, John tries to make her feel better by sharing his greatest email eff ups. But this instead sparks a competition between the two about who has the greatest “technology sucks” story. Also, death is talked about a lot and the two role play how to talk to someone who's just lost somebody. (TIP: don’t use any of this advice in real life.)
Like most first world people with no cares at all, Carmen and John are obsessed with serial killers and movies and television about serial killers. This episode contains a first: a serial killer movie that Carmen and John did NOT see together. So John gets to experience the role of THC listener hearing about a movie and Carmen's take on it for the first time. And oh man, it goes so well. Guys? So well. Also, John has a true report of what gangs are up to in NYC now that the pandemic is winding down and if you haven't heard about it, prepare to have your do-rag blown off from shock. Guys? Seriously, blown right the eff off your head.
Covid has ended and we're all back to normal. Things are so normal so fast, in fact, that Carmen went back on the road before she had a chance to record this ep. But no worries, John found UNAIRED and SEXY recordings from the not-so-distant past that include lots of Carmen talking with John about such topics as their love of the German language, Carmen's babysitting days, and a recent movie review of a TV show that's actually popular. So there.
Carmen has a real tendency to get all "tit for tat" with John in general, but this episode is non-stop titting and tatting. Which leads to a fight which is more awkward than funny, but they'll take it. And speaking of fighting, the pair also talk about Liam Neeson's latest and how there's nothing this guy can film that these two won't watch. Seriously. Carmen and John would watch this dude read the phone book and then watch him stomp on the phone book's windpipe because come on, it's Liam Fucking Neeson. He's like that.
John and Carmen make the grave mistake of recording this episode super late at night (for them) and it's the listener who pays the price. Extra credit goes to anyone who can follow what the hell they're talking about. At one point, John tries to mansplain what goes on in Carmen's brain. He also shares why he cries watching TV and not in real life. A fun game to play at home: Guess which one of these podcasters is more dead inside. Also...they have a VERY SPECIAL GUEST! Someone way more intelligent - and awake - than either one of them.
This is kind of like a sequel to "John and Women's History Month," but like most sequels, you don't have to listen to the first one to get it. BUT THIS ONE HAS A REALLY SCARY INTERRUPTION! And we kept it all in there, just for you. DEAR GOD WE ARE STILL THINKING ABOUT IT. But we are okay. That's all we can say. Oh and also Happy Women's History Month!
Carmen updates John on the royal family saga but first she must get John to care (he never will). Also, if you like drinking alcohol you may want a glass of it nearby while you listen to this ep. Finally, Carmen's in the NY Times yet again and John has had enough. As far as he's concerned, the paper of record is becoming all the news that's shit to print.
Happy Women's History Month!! It's time to TEST JOHN...to see how much he knows about FEMALE COMICS....FEMALE AUTHORS....FEMALE ANATOMY....CARMEN....and even HIS OWN MOM!! Also, if you never wanted to know about John as a horny young dude, today is not your lucky day. Plus Carmen teaches John about the MONS PUBIS. DON'T CHEAT AND LOOK IT UP - JUST TAKE THE QUIZ WITH JOHN!!!
Carmen and John discuss night terrors, a common phenomenon where you are terrified for short periods of time. Like when you listen to this podcast. Carmen also tells a real life ghost story from her messed up childhood while John poops himself. They also discuss Vince Vaughn's best movie ever and Carmen's Tik Tok fame that she had nothing to do with.
Carmen and John talk about their love of “The Mandalorian” (mostly just so John can remind everyone that he once worked with Mark Hamill). Then the duo do their best to shit on Texas without shitting on the beautiful people who live there. Finally, there’s a dueling battle between John’s Irish relatives and Carmen’s random thoughts. It needs to be heard to be believed.
Carmen and John spend most of this episode doing movie reviews of popular television shows. Also, John tells the humiliating story of when he was forced to undress for an audition while Carmen ruminates on all the rapes she’s protected herself from thanks to a self-defense class she took in college. And also thanks to something called dog spray. Not gonna lie, this one’s fucking weird.
Valentine's Day is just around the corner so Carmen and John try to ruin it with real stories about bad Vday dates from their past. Also, did you know Carmen is a multi-millionaire? It's only true if you believe everything you read on the internet like a child does or a Trump supporter. Then the duo talk about something else on the internet featuring Carmen! Throughout, John mostly yells a lot.
Well, Carmen and John did it and by association, you the listener did, too! It's the end of the first season of The Human Centipod and to celebrate, this episode is a compilation of the hosts' favorite moments from the first 30 episodes. There's John's Mom's bell addiction, dolphin sex, and who could forget Carmen's memories of modeling school? And if you did forget, just listen to this because you get to hear it all over again. And so much more! CONGRATS TO EVERYONE!
It's a very special episode where one of us cries, but we don't tell you who. You gotta listen to find out, that's what a Capitalist society is all about, you bitches. Oh but don't worry, it's not all blubbering so you won't get triggered. Also, Carmen discusses a novel she finally finished (her first one since the start of Covid.) And there's a very special, special guest (who doesn't cry): Tarzan-Jesus.
This episode goes BEHIND the scenes of Carmen and John's family stories in a disturbing tribute to their butts (or a disturbing triBUTT???? No.). Also, they spend a total of three minutes explaining the truth of what happened during the siege on our great U.S. Capitol. Then it's back to butts, baby!
Carmen and John have never seen the movie that inspired the name of their podcast...until now. Sort of. Carmen recently watched it, but not with John. Just like with most of John's jobs, he was replaced by a better, more qualified woman. In this case, Carmen's friend Irene. Anyway, now you get to listen to those two sirens give their two cents while John gives his about them. Confused? Well then listen and you won't be. PLUS: Carmen and John reveal the genius behind the celebrity impersonations that pop up on their show. And he performs a new one! What an episode! Try to keep your pants on!!!
Carmen and John open the show with a cameo from one of the biggest stand up comics working today. Then they get all vulnerable talking about how they've been violated in the past. After that, they discuss the Covid problem with the problem itself...you'll have to listen to find out who that is!
Carmen bares it all with some college memories involving her habit of “sleep-undressing.” Then John tries to one-up her with a tale from his college days where he acted the hero while intoxicated. Speaking of heroes, Carmen and John binge-watched the “Die Hard” franchise this week and can’t shut up about it. Then they end with a “Sexy Voice-Off.” But also “Curb Your Enthusiasm”’s Susie Essman has a thing or two to add and it's not just the F-word.
It’s holiday time so Carmen details her childhood Spanish Christmas tradition involving wood and fecal matter. Plus John and Carmen get some interesting (read: “wackjob”) advice on how to keep their tree alive as John finally ties a cheery bow on this gift of an episode by telling Carmen the heartwarming story of Jaycee Dugard’s abduction and how she was held against her will for 18 years. Merry Christmas!
Carmen and John describe some past medical events which leads to the story of John's unforgettable...golden shower. Is it covered by his health insurance? Who cares because you get to hear about it for free. Also, Carmen talks about her first job making house calls for some quick cash. But it's not what you think.
Carmen and John are inspired by yet another popular show on HBO and end up discussing psychos and sociopaths they have known. They also learn through meditation that their subconscious minds might just be racist. PLUS: they remember a terrible murder that was in the news a few years back, but still manage to giggle like idiots about it.
We know...two animal episodes back to back but last week Carmen and John didn't get to discuss their odd hangouts (and near-death experiences) with camels and dolphins. Also, their school mascots were such pussy animals no wonder their sports teams sucked. And...have you seen Netflix's new hit, The Queen's Gambit? We discuss (and if you don't have time to watch it, check out Carmen's 30 second version on her youtube page.) And hang out 'til the very end for Carmen's Spanish brother-in-law's big farewell!
John and Carmen breakdown beastiality and what animal John would spend an evening with. Carmen talks about her Spanish podcast and a long mysterious hair she found in an unexpected part of her body. Note: f*cking an animal is not the grossest thing John will talk about.
Inspired by a new show on HBO Max, Carmen and John discuss the nitty gritty of how they were raised. They detail everything from the origins of Carmen’s sexy, bitchy Catholic Confirmation name to John’s Dad wishing his family had all been born Jews. They also talk about how Jesus is more "creepy ghost" than "holy savior." Featuring another new song written expressly for the podcast by the amazingly talented Dave Smith, co-director of the uber-successful Dreamworks’ “Trolls World Tour!” (Name drop, bitches!)
Carmen shares her first road gig experience since Covid started and the special visit she received in her hotel room in the middle of the night. She and John also talk about things that are different now thanks to the pandemic (that they hope stay that way). Plus: John’s disgusting mouth! With special guest star cameo from Rodney Dangerfield!
John shares a creepy hobby he had in high school while Carmen gets her unfeminist dream analyzed. Both reach the same conclusion: they are mental. Also
Carmen and John have been together for five whole years....plus they were friends 20 years ago but who's counting. Also, Carmen and John give advice on relationships, or maybe they're complaints? Anyway, they also almost got murdered in their own apartment. And not by each other! And then there's that thing with Carmen's Mom's mouth...
In this episode, a close friend and fan of the show writes a new intro theme song that nearly ends the podcast for good. When a celebrity retweets one of John’s tweets, he gets more love than he bargained for. In honor of recent current events, Carmen brings back the popular segment “First World Problems In Third World Conditions.” But with her own personal spin.
Carmen and John have been in the business of show for a combined two to three hundred years. Along the way, they’ve received voicemails from countless amounts of celebrities they’ve worked with/become friends with/tried to fuck. On this episode, lucky you gets to hear some from one of those very celebs. But before that, you have to wade through some pretty disgusting (but fun) personal hygiene stories, so fuck you. Also: Feedback from the previous episode!
Carmen and John try to understand a new millennial tradition and come off sounding either severely mentally impaired or extremely old. You decide! The pair also receives news - LIVE during the record - that recently shocked the country and their reactions are so priceless that in the future people will be asking, “Where were you when you heard Carmen and John hear the news?” Also - they PLAY GAMES!
Carmen and John get very specific about boyhood wet dreams and womanly sex fantasies. Then the listener takes a cold shower. The episode continues with a very important commercial tied to current events, followed by a movie review of a classic film that reminds John of one of the lowest points in his life. The other low point occurs when he and Carmen play the famous "What Would You Bring To An Island" game.
Carmen managed to find John’s professional erotica recordings from a few years ago and plays them throughout this episode to torture him (and the listener). These are samples from a trilogy of erotica novels by a famous author - write in if you figure out who it is. JUST DO IT! Also there’s a movie review by another famous person. Plus they learn a new Japanese word.
Carmen and John discuss feedback from previous episodes, some of which tickles their pods in an...uh oh...awkward way. But nothing's as uncomfortable as Alexa when she gets desperate. Yes, robots have feelings, too!! Their special guest is back as the only repeat guest (and the only guest.) Guess we can say John's 12 year old son is a regular!
Carmen and John talk about the great write-up Carmen recently received in the Wall Street Journal about her HBO Max comedy special - because who better to write about the craft of comedy than a financial trade paper? Also: there’s dying happening in Carmen and John’s life and for once it’s not John’s comedy. Plus: special bonus appearance of John’s poor, innocent son!
This episode starts off with a brand new segment called “It Might Sound Like I’m Jealous, But I’m Not.” Though Carmen still thinks John sounds jealous. Then things take a dark turn when John is reminded about the time he joined a butthole club. And no, Carmen wasn’t there. Plus they hear from German fans - their second biggest fan base after Montclair, New Jersey.
Carmen talks about the time she went to - no shit - modeling school. John and Carmen review Netflix’s “Dark” in English even though that whole goddamn thing is in German. But at least it’s not goddamn Denise! Oh, man, wait’ll you hear about goddamn Denise.
WE HAVE A PATREON ACCOUNT!! And hear how Carmen and John are back in the eye of the covid storm: NYC! Except it's no longer the epicenter of the virus, but it IS still the epicenter of this episode. Life is CRAZY. Speaking of crazy, have you seen "Marcella?" Well, don't - just listen to Carmen and John talk about it instead. Also Carmen's album, VERTICALLY OBESE is out and she talks about what it's been like to be number one on iTunes for a hot two days!! Get it!! And get a mask! OH AND WE HAVE A PATREON ACCOUNT!! CHECK IT OUT!
Carmen and John have so much fun in this episode it's going to be a hard one to beat. From the 26 minute mark until the end especially, they should probably win some sort of podcast award. Also: John has more big news and listen for a special cameo by Patrick Stewart (not really him.)
Carmen almost spoils John's big news. And he really does have big news, you'll see. Also: lots of singing, music clips and John's genitals.
Carmen and John record on a podcast machine thingie that’s brand spanking new, so naturally this ep sounds…unique. Also, Carmen can’t contain her excitement over new listener feedback which is at an all time high (for them). Plus something about John and his mom happens and in “Movie Review” the film “Midsommar” finally gets the the notice it deserves.
Carmen and John plug a TV show that no one is watching, but should be. If you like to hear John yell a lot about things, this one's for you. Fun fact: This episode was recorded before Carmen and John went on a brief hiatus after their podcast machine thingie broke down. But it's better now. Side note: we are officially on iTunes so please give us a 5 star rating at your convenience (now would be a good time.) Enjoy!
Carmen and John have selfish, yet compelling reasons not to end the end of the world stuff just yet. Also...they play a fun game!
Carmen and John know people who are missing eyes, and they spill the beans on them. They also reveal what Carmen's childhood piano teacher did to offend John. Plus, original music by Carmen Lynch. Carmen, Carmen, Carmen.
Carmen and John drop hints about their undisclosed location during coronavirus quarantine. They also share games and some secret information about Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson.