Focus On The Family Archives - 96three: Recent Episodes
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By: Amy Van Veen
The fact that money is a major stressor in marriage is not news. The way we spend and save can be a black or white issue for many of us.
We think there’s a right way to do things (our way) and a wrong way to do things (often our spouse’s way). So it can be difficult to know how to get on the same page and be a united front when money – or lack thereof – threatens to divide your marriage.
Whether you’re looking to pay off seemingly insurmountable debt or you want to set a budget and stick to it to accomplish certain financial goals such as buying a house, travelling or retiring, it can be challenging to know how to move forward – especially if your spouse is not on board.
This is precisely what Brian Lowe experienced when he wanted to start paying off $127,000 in debt with his wife, Cherie. She, on the other hand, did not want to tackle that debt. The number was too scary. The task seemed too hard. And she was discouraged before they even started.
What followed, though, was two years of Brian taking small, intentional steps to control his own spending without controlling his wife’s. His leading by example eventually got Cherie’s attention and the two of them paid off that scary number in four years – together.
Cherie’s book Slaying the Debt Dragon outlines, not only the practical steps to financial freedom, but also the difficult process of preparing their hearts for such a task.
They learned that, despite the wisdom they gleaned from Dave Ramsey’s books, website and radio show, they had to make their walk to freedom their own. While there is no one right way to get your finances under control – the Ramsey way, personifying your debt into a dragon you want to slay, or something unique to you – there are certain principles every spouse needs to keep in mind before taking those steps.
- Address the Lies and Face your FearsWhen you’re facing a mountain of debt – or even when you’re avoiding the scary “B” word because budgeting seems too difficult or tedious a task – you start to believe lies that you’re the only one struggling. You think all of your friends are doing fine and they would leave you if they knew the truth. These fears are what kept Cherie from turning around to face the monster she’d been running from.
“That darkness will keep you from sharing your story,” she writes, “prevent you from getting the help you need to get out of debt.” But facing your fears is the first step you have to take before you can even begin walking toward financial freedom.
“Admitting the wrong you’ve done is never easy. But it’s a necessary step to enact real change.”
Fears come from many different places. Your family of origin may have had money problems that became fears in your own life, especially if you grew up in a paycheque-to-paycheque family. Or your fears may come more from a place of shame and self-doubt. Maybe you’ve even tried to get a handle on your finances before and it didn’t work, so you wonder, “What’s the point?”
Cherie experienced similar fears and believed similar lies. Until eventually, she realized that facing the dragon that had become their debt was better than running from it. A plan was better than a “non-plan plan.”
“At some point, you have to ask yourself if fear has more value than freedom in your life,” she explains. “Is it better to bow at the feet of fear or to seek true freedom?”
- Show Remorse and Ask For ForgivenessPhoto by taylor hernandez on Unsplash .Once you’ve faced the lies you were believing – the lies that were isolating you and your spouse from taking action – you have to recognise your part in the mess of finances you may find yourself in by showing remorse and asking for forgiveness.
Everyone makes mistakes. And pride is what keeps us from admitting our own while simultaneously pointing the proverbial finger at our spouse. But dealing with the plank in our own eye is as necessary for finances as it is for anything else.
Showing genuine remorse is not a comfortable thing to do. It’s difficult, it’s vulnerable and it can be painful. Admitting the wrong you’ve done is never easy. But it’s a necessary step to enact real change.
“Remember that this type of forgiveness isn’t just about apologising and receiving grace,” Cherie explains. “It’s also about daily being willing to change what you do and maybe even rejecting lifelong practices and philosophies.”
- Take Ownership For Your Own Actions, Not Your Spouse’sBrian first read Dave Ramsey’s book The Total Money Makeover a full two years before Cherie was willing to get on board. Two years of small daily decisions such as eating out less and no longer using their credit card would have been difficult for him, but that patience is what eventually caught Cherie’s attention enough to join him in their debt-slaying journey.
“He never demanded. He never dictated. He was patient and kind. He never forced me to do anything,” Cherie explains. “However, what spoke volumes to me was the way he began to change his own personal habits with money. Again, he did this without coercing or even convincing me to do the same. I began to sit up and take notice.”
“It’s up to God to change your spouse’s heart, not you.”
You may be at a point in your financial journey where you want to make changes but your spouse doesn’t. Or you may be at a point where the thought of setting a budget, cutting expenses and getting honest about your financial reality is too terrifying to face. Either way, you will get nowhere fast if you start to blame your spouse for all of your money problems, taking the “I’m right, you’re wrong” tack.
If you’re the former, there are two things you can do: one is to follow Brian’s lead and make small, intentional changes in your daily spending and saving habits; and two is to pray for your spouse. Cherie and Brian learned that God is bigger than money problems, and the work He did in their hearts was more than they could have imagined. But it’s up to God to change your spouse’s heart, not you.
- Be a Team and Fight Debt TogetherWhen you and your spouse are both willing to take steps to financial freedom, it’s crucial for you to do so together. Paying off debt, setting a budget or even planning to save is not about what you do versus what your spouse does. You and your spouse are not on opposing sides. As soon as you find yourself thinking, Well, I didn’t spend as much as he did this month or If she would only stick to the budget, maybe we’d see a difference, you need to check your heart.
The way Cherie and Brian got on the same page was to see their debt personified as a dragon. With a dragon in the room, there’s no sense in fighting each other; they had to be in unity to slay the beast.
“Brian and I had to unite, ready to help each other do what was necessary to get our finances under control,” Cherie writes. “And we had to look to the third strand – God Himself – to keep us knitted together on the days when we disagreed or were discouraged.”
If you’re still on opposing sides, don’t forget the power of prayer and leading by example. For two years, Brian had to wait patiently while Cherie struggled through her own fears – but it paid off in the end.
“If you’re the one who is so excited about the potential of slaying your own debt dragon that you’ve already outlined fifteen steps your family can take to begin this journey, I have one piece of advice: slow down,” Cherie advises. No one will win if you push and shove your spouse before they’re ready.
However, once both your hearts are prepared to tackle whatever financial obstacle you’re facing, and you and your spouse find yourselves on a united front, you can start to seek out the best tools that work for you. Download an app, find a helpful program, sit down with old-fashioned paper and pen, seek the advice of a financial advisor, read books, listen to radio shows – find what works for you and fight the dragon together.
Remember, there’s no shame in starting small – even the smallest changes are better than nothing. According to Cherie and Brian, “We began by taking small steps of obedience – changing our behaviours, seeking forgiveness, and acknowledging our overwhelming desire for hope for our financial future.”
Article and video supplied with thanks to Focus on the Family Australia.
About the Author: Focus on the Family Australia is a Christian not-for-profit that offers relevant, practical support and resources to help families thrive in every stage of life.
The post First Steps to Financial Freedom as a Couple appeared first on 96three.
By: Robert Busha
Often, I relive the adventure of whacking through brush “on safari” in the woods with my step-grandsons, Andrew and Aaron.
Investing time in our kids is one of the gifts my wife and I routinely give to our children’s children and stepchildren. You can give your step-grandchildren many presents, but the gifts of understanding, love and impartiality are priceless.
Understand their ChallengesJust 50 years ago, there were far fewer divorces and the term “blended family” was decades away from being invented. Today, however, the percentage of families that are blended – defined as children living in a household who share one or no parents – is on the rise. The numbers have affected my family, too. As a result, we’ve had to learn to be sensitive to the unique needs of our step-grandchildren.
Blended families often include challenges that get dumped on the children. On top of what is a messy experience of separation and divorce, children may have to contend with joint custody and separation from their home, family and friends, while being introduced to new ones.
“The more you are aware of what your step-grandchildren are dealing with in their new life, the more understanding and resourceful you can be to help them get through it.”
Moreover, the kids have to cope with the changes, regardless of whether they like it or are emotionally prepared. It may be upsetting to you, too, so imagine what might be swirling through the minds and emotions of your step-grandchildren.
There may also be challenges with family leadership. Conflict may arise when parents need to coordinate their efforts and interact with each other’s children. Invariably, guidance and discipline create other complications. “I don’t have to mind you; you’re not my dad” might be one declaration that echoes through a blended-family home.
The more you are aware of what your step-grandchildren are dealing with in their new life, the more understanding and resourceful you can be to help them get through it.
Acknowledge Your FeelingsUnderstand that you, too, may need time to adjust to new family situations and your own feelings. For example, you may not yet be comfortable with your child’s choices that led to divorce and remarriage. You might even be a little upset that he or she married someone with children.
Be honest with yourself. However upset or disappointed you may be, holding on to those sentiments puts your influence as a step-grandparent in serious jeopardy. Share your thoughts with someone you can trust who will be honest with you.
Equal TreatmentIt’s understandable that you may be tempted to treat step-grandchildren unequally or differently. But what you do for your children’s children, you should also do for your children’s stepchildren. That includes gifts, outings and any other investment – no differences and no favouritism. They’re all equal in God’s eyes. They should be in yours, too.
I even have a half-step-grandson. He gets the same love from my wife and me as his two half-sisters – all the time, every time. And the attention we give to our grandkids who are blood-related is no different from the attention we give to our step-grandkids.
Once you have a good grip on your feelings, you’ll be better prepared to share your life with your step-grandchildren. Grandparent relationships have an enormous power, even over long distances, to give a “grand” kind of love to step-grandchildren.
Find Your Unique PositionIf you can be Umpa or Mugga to your grandchildren, your step-grandkids can call you something unique as well. Give step-grandchildren the same chance to assign you a name.
I remember when one of our little guys, who was about four at the time, said to his daddy, “How can he [referring to me] be my grandpa? My other grandpa is my grandpa.” That makes sense, doesn’t it?
So, our California bunch and our little fella in Michigan call us Grandpa Bob and Grandma Mary. To the ones in Ohio and Florida, we are Bobby and Mamie. We see this as precious expressions of their intimacy with us.
Extend Your Love, PatientlyGrandparents have a unique position to step back and observe the needs of each step-grandchild. Being better in tune with a child’s individual personality will enable you to determine what approach will work in strengthening a relationship.
Step-grandbabies are comparatively easy to form a bond with, but bigger kids can have difficulty adjusting to the dramatic changes in their lives. As a result, they may not want a relationship with you . . . yet.
“Recognise their interests and the special events in their lives. Accept them, and look for ways to enhance their self-confidence.”
Be willing to take it slowly. Let them have the time and space to respond to your willingness to love them on their terms and timetable, not yours. Don’t give up on a somewhat distant child.
Extend your love and attention without hesitation. It may be difficult, but if your intention is to have a substantive relationship, you’ll see the value and be willing to wait. Watch for the signal from them that says, “Let’s have a go at getting to know one another better.” Then you know they’re ready to lower their guard and let you into their lives.
In the meantime, listen and spend time with your step-grandchildren. Recognise their interests and the special events in their lives. Accept them, and look for ways to enhance their self-confidence. Tell them at every appropriate opportunity that they are special to you.
The memories we have with our step-grandchildren have made us smile many times over the years. May the gifts you give your step-grandchildren bring you countless blessings as well.
Article and video supplied with thanks to Focus on the Family Australia.
About the Author: Focus on the Family Australia is a Christian not-for-profit that offers relevant, practical support and resources to help families thrive in every stage of life.
The post Blended Family Grandparenting appeared first on 96three.
By: Jill Savage
Most grandparents want to be an asset to their grandchildren — provide a listening ear, welcome heart and safe place for kids to emotionally land. But how does one do this?
I remember the day like it was yesterday. My husband and I, along with our young children, were relocating to a town three hours away so my husband could study full time. My mother cried as we said goodbye. She was so sure that her grandkids would grow up not knowing her.
In time, however, she and Dad bonded with each of our kids, even at a distance. And here I am, 31 years later, wanting to make a difference in my own grandchildren’s lives. I want to be an asset to them, providing a listening ear, a welcoming heart and a safe place to rest when life gets hard. Most of all, I want to help introduce them to the faith that will sustain them through life’s challenges.
This relationship is important, but it doesn’t happen overnight. In the grandchild-bonding game, I’ve learned that slow and steady is the best way to run this race.
Watch your ExpectationsI once heard someone say, “Expectations are preconceived resentments.” It’s often true that our disappointments are fuelled by unmet expectations. Pay attention to the “ought” and “should” statements rolling around in your head, particularly concerning your relationship with your children and grandchildren. He should call more. She should consult me about this. These unrealistic expectations feed disappointment and discouragement, while realistic expectations keep you engaged and content with where your relationship is right now.
“If your preschool-aged grandchild FaceTimes all of 15 seconds with you and then heads off to another activity, that’s normal. “
If your preschool-aged grandchild FaceTimes all of 15 seconds with you and then heads off to another activity, that’s normal. If your teenage grandson doesn’t call back or respond to your text right away, that’s also normal. Don’t make it about you. Life doesn’t always happen the way we think it should, and grandparents must allow for busy seasons of life and a grandchild’s growing maturity.
There’s no Grandparent PrerogativePhoto by Isaac Quesada on Unsplash .Sally is a grandmother whose son and daughter-in-law don’t let her have the kids overnight. They used to, but Sally didn’t follow their instructions for caring for the kids. Bedtime was 8 p.m., but Sally usually got them to bed an hour or more later. She also sometimes brought out biscuits when Mum and Dad asked for a sugar-free evening.
“It’s Grandma’s prerogative to spoil them a bit,” Sally would say. “I don’t get to see them very often.”
There’s no “Grandma’s prerogative” when it comes to grandkids. Even if you’re not doing anything wrong or spoiling your grandchildren, I encourage you to bite your tongue and do things the parents’ way. They are the authority in their kids’ lives, and they need your respect and support. You don’t want to break trust with your adult children and their spouses, jeopardising future connections with your grandkids.
Remember that you are now extended family for your children and grandchildren. Your son or daughter has a family he or she must consider ahead of you. This is a hard, but important, transition. In our family, my husband and I had to make that transition with holidays. We now give our kids the gift of holiday freedom. Easter and Christmas are flexible with no obligation to connect on those specific calendar dates. We get together when it works best for everyone.
Influence, But Don’t ControlGrandparents have years of experience they long to leverage in their kids’ and grandkids’ lives, but sometimes that desire moves from seeking influence to wanting control. This can alienate relationships.
“Perhaps my most important work is praying for changes I sincerely believe need to be made — without trying to control anyone’s decisions.”
When there are two valid ways to do something and I want it done my way, it becomes a control issue, and it isn’t about the relationship anymore. My marching orders are to love, encourage, accept and give wisdom when it’s requested — and pray persistently. Indeed, perhaps my most important work is praying for changes I sincerely believe need to be made — without trying to control anyone’s decisions.
When I sense my desire to control creeping in, it’s usually because my identity in Christ has slipped to second place and I’m using my kids’ and grandkids’ choices as an identity barometer. My identity is secure in Christ. Yours is, too.
Replace Judgment with LovePhoto by Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash .There will be things your grandkids’ parents do that you don’t agree with. There will be choices your grandchildren make that you won’t agree with. Never sacrifice your relationship on the altar of disagreement. Orange hair? Let it go and love. Tattoos? Let it go and love.
Some friends of ours have a grandson who said he was gay. Their response to their grandson balanced God’s truth with their love for their grandson:
“We don’t feel this is God’s best for you (truth), but you’ll always be ours (unconditional love). We love you.”
Acceptance doesn’t mean agreeing. It means accepting the reality of your grandchild’s circumstances and loving him through it, even as you pray for a changed heart.
Intentionally Stay ConnectedMy mother grand mothered from a distance before there was FaceTime or social media. She used the phone, mail and personal visits. When our children were young and not yet readers, she signed all her cards and notes with a simple, curly-haired caricature of herself. When they would open up a card from their grandmother, the kids always knew who had sent it because of that drawing.
Staying connected on a regular basis builds trust and strengthens the relationship. Learn how to navigate social media to connect with your kids and older grandchildren. Our primary school grandkids are all set up on Kids Messenger, and they communicate a lot with us that way.
Recently, our son-in-law secured a new job that was going to require a move to a new community. On the night our daughter and her husband told the kids, 8 year old Rilyn sent a message to me, pouring out her heart. She told me how hard it would be to leave her school and her friends. She needed someone to listen and offer empathy. I’m so glad our connectedness had already laid the groundwork for those conversations.
Engage in Their WorldTake an interest in their activities, ask them to share their school papers, show delight when they get their first job. If you live close enough, help with homework or attend their sporting events or choir concerts.
“If you live too far away to attend, ask for a video or to FaceTime during the event so you can still be part of your grandkids’ world.”
My parents often made a two and a half hour trip for a choir concert or school play. The kids loved having them there. Sometimes they stayed the night, and sometimes they drove back home the same night. If you live too far away to attend, ask for a video or to FaceTime during the event so you can still be part of your grandkids’ world.
Find One-On-One TimeAs a mother of five kids, I often parented “the herd.” I herded everyone to church, herded them out the door to school and herded them to appointments. I’m trying not to do that with our grandkids. I’m trying to see them as the individuals they are and attempting to figure out what excites them, what they struggle with and how God has uniquely made them.
Even from a distance, you can interact one-on-one with your grandkids. As they get older, talk to them directly to learn about the things they’re doing, who their friends are and what they’re passionate about. When you do get to see them in person, try to get some one-on-one time. Almost all of our kids made a cross-country trip with us at one time or another to see extended family in Colorado. It was a special time for them and for us.
Hopefully, those strategies have your wheels turning and you’re already thinking of ways you can connect with your grandkids. Grandparenting allows us a second chance to influence the life of a child. It’s an encore of sorts, where we become part of the supporting cast. A little bit of intentionality partnered with a realistic perspective can forge a special relationship between you and your grandchildren for years to come.
Article and video supplied with thanks to Focus on the Family Australia.
About the Author: Focus on the Family Australia is a Christian not-for-profit that offers relevant, practical support and resources to help families thrive in every stage of life.
The post A Grand Influence: How to Bond With Your Grandkids appeared first on 96three.
By: Jill Savage
Because the health of marriage is ultimately determined by individual health, we need to be diligent about emotional, mental, physical and spiritual fitness.
Standing in the kitchen, I heard the text notification on my phone. When I read the message from my friend, my heart dropped. We had both walked through hard seasons in our marriages. Mine survived — it appeared from the message that hers would not. Tears formed, and I just wanted to cry.
The “old Jill” in me started up the stairs to cry in private. The “new Jill” stopped and thought of another option.
My husband, Mark, and I had been pursuing relational health in our marriage, requiring that both of us get serious about our emotional health as individuals. I had recently come to understand that my tendency to hide my pain had been causing my husband to feel I didn’t need him. I was discovering that sharing my pain and allowing him to comfort me was not only healthy for me, but it was healthy for our marriage.
So I mustered my courage, walked into the room where Mark was reading, showed him the text I’d received and then crawled into his lap and cried. He later said that that moment together was one of the most powerful moments he’d ever experienced in our 32 years of married life.
Healthy Individuals Make a Healthy MarriageA thriving marriage is made of two thriving individuals building a relationship together. That would explain why the health of our marriages is ultimately determined by our individual health. We often talk about the importance of physical fitness, but we also need to be diligent about spiritual, emotional and mental fitness.
The Christian life is all about maturity, and marriage offers a wonderful environment for maturity to develop. If we will embrace the feedback we receive, get serious about our personal contribution to the relationship and pursue health in all areas of our lives, then our marriages will have plenty of opportunity to mature.
But where do we start? By making one right choice at a time. You and I have growth opportunities presented to us every day — we simply need to learn to recognise them and make wise self-care choices along the way.
Healthy Individuals Require Self-CarePhoto by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash .Emotional health improves when we understand our emotional makeup and tend to our emotional needs. For instance, I am an introvert who refuels by being alone. My husband is an extrovert who refuels by being with people. I’ve had to learn to carve out alone times for myself, and Mark has had to learn not to take my need for space as a personal rejection. In the same way, Mark has learned to embrace his need to be with people, and I’ve learned to occasionally accompany him to a social gathering when I’d rather be home reading a book. We’re learning to understand ourselves, and each other, in hopes of successfully blending our distinct personalities.
“As husbands and wives, we each need to consider what we may have inadvertently carried into our marriage.”
As married couples, we can actively pursue emotional health as we address individual heart issues such as bitterness, unforgiveness, blame, lust, idolatry, pride, control and self-sufficiency. These sins tend to creep into our lives and too often we defend our right to hold on to them. Acknowledging sin for what it is, confessing it to God and then making a U-turn (repentance) to head in a different direction are important aspects of being healthy.
Another important part of emotional health in married life has to do with evaluating the positives and negatives of our families of origin. As husbands and wives, we each need to consider what we may have inadvertently carried into our marriage. Mark’s family handled conflict with rage and anger, while my family never seemed to have any conflict. Both family scenarios failed to teach healthy conflict resolution skills, so Mark and I had to “go to school” on handling conflict in a healthy way. Our learning process included reading books on the subject, attending marriage conferences and seeking out a Christian counsellor to help us do the hard work of changing our conflict and communication habits.
Mental Health Affects Relationships DeeplyMental health determines how we think, feel and act as we cope with everyday life. Philippians 4:8 reminds us that we need to pay attention to what we feed our mind: “Whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Reading, listening to teaching (podcasts, sermons, conferences), pursuing positive friendships and engaging in stimulating conversations can all be important parts of mental and marital health.
Mental health greatly affects relationships. When we work to “take every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5), we are working to have a healthy mental process that will ultimately benefit our relationship with our husband or wife.
Mark had a traumatic childhood that has required him to work hard to find healing. Because he has struggled with depression for much of his life, I recognise that when he tends to his depression then he’s also tending to our marriage. I’m grateful he’s been willing to pursue counselling that required digging deep so he could trade the hurts of the past for the hope of the future.
When we pursue mental health, it helps us unpack the personal baggage that we inadvertently bring to marriage. Mark’s traumatic childhood not only robbed him of joy but also caused all kinds of challenges in our marriage. As both of us have worked to “unpack our baggage” and become mentally and emotionally healthy as individuals, our marriage has benefited as conflict has decreased, communication has improved and joy and intimacy have increased.
Taking Care of Our Physical BodiesPhoto by Dave Goudreau on Unsplash .Physical health develops when we take care of the body God has given us. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 tells us that our body is a temple with which we are to glorify God. In light of the fact that God designed us with the need to feed, move, hydrate and rest our bodies, we have to ask ourselves how well we’re doing with each of those responsibilities.
Most of us have no problem feeding our body. The challenge is in feeding it healthy food choices. It’s best if we keep fresh fruit and vegetables on hand for meals and snacks, opt for lean meats, limit sweets to special occasions, select water or tea over soft drinks and limit our intake of artificial sweeteners. These small dietary adjustments can help feed our bodies the healthy foods they need.
Exercise is a very important part of taking care of our bodies, too. Aerobic exercise not only burns calories, but it keeps the heart healthy and strong. Taking a brisk walk with our spouse after dinner each night can strengthen our body and our marriage. Strength training burns calories, increases metabolism, increases bone density, strengthens muscles and improves balance. Throw in some push-ups and sit-ups after the walk and we’ll be headed in the right direction — together.
“In addition to improving the physical attraction we have for one another, caring for our bodies also gives us the energy we need for family relationships.”
Drinking 8 glasses of water a day will help to keep energy up and the body functioning well. Throw in a slice of lemon, lime, orange or even cucumber, to add flavour so everyone is more likely to drink the water they need.
Finally, our bodies are designed to regenerate during sleep. Sleep is for the body like a reboot is for a computer. Just going to sleep 30 minutes earlier than usual can make a difference in self-care. Another important part of resting is relaxing and replacing work with play. Whether it’s sitting on the porch swing watching the sun set, playing tag with the kids, laughing with friends or taking some much-needed holiday time, stepping away from the busy pace of life is an important part of caring for our individual selves — and ultimately caring for our marriages.
Physical health provides so many marital benefits! Several years ago I chose to lose some weight. I was amazed at how much more comfortable I was with sexual intimacy after getting healthy. In addition to improving the physical attraction we have for one another, caring for our bodies also gives us the energy we need for family relationships and everyday activities.
Regular Spiritual PracticesPhoto by Fa Barboza on Unsplash .Spiritual health weaves itself into our physical, emotional and mental health, and there are many practices that can help to strengthen us spiritually. Bible reading often reminds us to take care of our body, to address issues of the heart and to be intentional about the direction of our thoughts. Prayer keeps us talking with God and puts our anxious thoughts in His competent hands.
Hebrews 10:24-25 reminds us that spiritual health also grows when we spend time with other believers: “Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another.”
Attending church, being part of a small group or meeting a friend who encourages us in our faith are all valuable elements of tending to our spiritual health. Reading Christian books, magazines and blogs and listening to Christian podcasts and teaching are also practical ways to pursue spiritual health.
“God can use marriage to make us more like Jesus every day. “
Both Mark and I were uncomfortable praying together when we first got married, but we knew it was important to our well-being. It took time to get comfortable with that kind of spiritual intimacy, but we committed to working at it, and we’ve found that prayer needs to be so much more than just an afterthought — both in our personal lives and in our marital life.
We need to keep in mind that God can use marriage to make us more like Jesus every day. As we mature and pursue spiritual health, we weed out selfishness and increase forgiveness. We serve one another more freely. We accept accountability. We offer grace and love sacrificially. A marriage that is marked by love, forgiveness, grace, service and sacrifice is a marriage that is likely to thrive even in the hard times.
Self-Care is Not SelfishWhether working out at the gym, getting enough sleep, pursuing counselling or reading the Bible, couples who do individual care ultimately do marital care because both husbands and wives grow stronger and healthier overall. And common sense suggests that healthy relationships emerge when healthy people come together in healthy, positive ways.
So, self-care is not selfish. It’s an important part of being a healthy individual and having a healthy marriage. No matter how long we’ve been married, we can continue to grow in our understanding of our spouse, our God and ourselves. I’m grateful that even after 32 years of marriage, I can still recognise growth opportunities that not only help me to be a better me, but they help us to be a better “us.”
Article and video supplied with thanks to Focus on the Family Australia.
About the Author: Focus on the Family Australia is a Christian not-for-profit that offers relevant, practical support and resources to help families thrive in every stage of life.
The post Healthy Individuals Create Healthy Marriages appeared first on 96three.
By: Jill Savage
The games were still sitting there. As I was cleaning up after a family gathering, I had put a couple of board games on the bottom step of the staircase.
I assumed my husband would put them away on one of his many trips upstairs.
Except he didn’t. I almost made a snide comment that he was blind and I was the only one who ever saw things on the stairs.
Except I didn’t. Instead, as he was once again heading upstairs, I said, “Honey, would you please grab those games and put them away?”
“Yep,” he responded. Then he tucked the games under his arm.
It hasn’t always been that way—starting to say something one way and then catching myself and replacing those words with something better. In marriage, our thinking, our assumptions and how we talk to our spouses can make a little misunderstanding a big problem.
Mark and I have tried to stop the unhealthy communication patterns that hurt our relationship and have replaced them with relational patterns that strengthen our marriage. You can, too.
Here are seven areas that we can work on improving daily:
Bad habit No. 1: Hinting or complainingWhen we give our spouse hints about tasks we want them to do, it’s as though we’re scared to ask for what we want. When we complain, it’s a negative way to convey what we desire. Hinting and complaining are not forms of healthy communication. They require the other person to be a mind reader.
Healthier habit: I caught myself before I started hinting or complaining about the games on the stairs and chose healthier communication. I voiced what I needed. Clearly. Kindly. And without attitude.
Bad habit No. 2: False meaningToo often spouses assign meaning—the wrong meaning—to a partner’s actions. In my old way of thinking, I would have concluded that Mark was intentionally ignoring the games on the stairs and therefore ignoring my needs. The truth was that he had other thoughts on his mind and didn’t even see the games. Once I asked him to take them upstairs, he was happy to do so.
Mark used to wrongly assign meaning to my emotional steadiness because I rarely cry or have emotional ups and downs. He told himself that I was strong and independent and I didn’t need him. That wasn’t true, but his perception didn’t change until we were able to explore those thoughts in marriage counselling.
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash .Healthier habit: Believe the best about your spouse. I now give Mark the benefit of the doubt and don’t interpret his action as a slight against me. I’ve learned that his behaviour is rarely a reaction to what I think is obvious (like games sitting on the bottom step).
Bad habit No. 3: My wayAs humans, we naturally think our way is the right way, so we tend to impose it on others. We want our spouses to think and do things the way we do. However, they see the world through a different lens, and make decisions and conclusions differently. This is why God says, “The two shall become one flesh” (Matthew 19:5). He knows that two perspectives from two different ways of thinking bring more balance. He knows we’re better when we respect each other and work together.
Healthier habit: I’ve had to stop thinking of my husband’s way of doing things as “wrong” and -consider it an alternate way of doing things. I’ve also had to resist the urge to make my way the only way. I started this transition with how we load the dishwasher. Sure, maybe I fit in three more dishes if it’s loaded my way, but efficiency isn’t worth the strain on my marriage.
Bad habit No. 4: SarcasmThe goal of sarcasm is to offer a put-down in a socially acceptable way so we don’t have to be truthful about what we’re thinking or feeling. It’s a way to communicate indirectly rather than directly, to protect ourselves from the pain that comes with vulnerability.
Healthier habit: I now try to communicate my thoughts, hurts or pain kindly and directly to Mark and allow myself to be vulnerable.
Bad habit No. 5: Reactive listeningMost of us could stand to improve our listening skills. Sometimes we take our turn as the listener only to continue arguing or defending our ideas. This knee-jerk reaction doesn’t create a safe place for sharing openly or help our spouses feel heard. It moves us too quickly from dialogue to debate.
Healthier habit: I listen to understand. Rather than offering my thoughts right away, I reflect on Mark’s comment with, “What I hear you saying is ______________. Is that right?” I’ve learned I don’t have to agree with Mark to let him know I’ve heard him. Not only does this keep our conversation from eroding into an argument, but it also deepens our intimacy if we let our spouses know we’ve heard their hearts and their concerns before ever sharing ours.
Bad habit No. 6: Tone and body languageToo often we put our spouses on defense simply by how we say something. This primes the pump for conflict that doesn’t need to happen. Our tone of voice can convey disgust, disrespect, indifference, contempt, rejection or dismissal. It’s a passive-aggressive way to communicate. The same thing happens with a long sigh, rolling our eyes or crossing our arms.
Healthier habit: I try to remain aware of the intentional and unintentional messages I send through my tone and body language. When I take a couple of deep breaths before responding and remember my husband’s tender heart, my responses are kinder and more respectful. Sometimes it’s easier to be kind when I hold my husband’s hand before talking.
Bad habit No. 7: The silent treatmentPunishment, control and manipulation have no place in a healthy marriage. The silent treatment is a form of all three. We do this by withholding emotional intimacy and connection. It’s an underhanded way to inflict pain on someone who has caused us pain.
Healthier habit: Forgive. This is initially between me and God. When I choose to forgive, I put the hurt in God’s hands and let it go. Then if I feel the need to address the problem with my husband, I can talk to him with a humble heart, sharing how he has hurt me.
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Article and video supplied with thanks to Focus on the Family Australia.
About the Author: Focus on the Family Australia is a Christian not-for-profit that offers relevant, practical support and resources to help families thrive in every stage of life.
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Tim Sisarich from New Zealand was asked by “Focus on the Family” to travel the world, making a documentary on the state of the modern family. However, he didn’t count on it raising issues in his own life. Particularly in the area of forgiveness. This unique journey stirred up issues in Tim’s own family life… especially his relationship with his father. Tim Sisarich shares his story and the power of forgiveness
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Rebecca Slavin shares her amazing journey from ice addiction and domestic violence to eventually finding freedom. She is joined by her father Gavin and together they discuss what has led to her incredible transformation – where today she speaks at public events about the dangers of ice addiction.
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“Daddy, can we build a birdhouse today?” my 7-year-old daughter, Makenah, asked me early one Saturday morning as I was knee-deep in a “honey-do” project list. “Well, … “ I hesitated. With a house and four children under 8, I had discovered that my project list never ended. I had tucked away the birdhouse instructions for weeks, after promising Makenah we would build it someday. I paused a moment and took to heart my wife’s daily mantra: “Let’s make a memory.” Then without further hesitation, I decided that “someday” had just arrived. “OK, Makenah. Let’s build that birdhouse.” We spent the afternoon measuring, cutting and piecing together spare cedar planks in the garage. Makenah colored arrows, directing the birds to the food. As we worked, our talk drifted to home schooling. After finishing first grade at the local school, Makenah had asked us to home school her. My wife and I had carefully selected a curriculum and started setting up the classroom in the basement for autumn. I was curious. “Makenah, why do you want to be home-schooled?” Her response astounded me. “I just like you guys. I like being home with our family.” Amid the hustle and bustle of our birdhouse project, time stood still. We had just experienced a moment I’ll always treasure. Had I not set aside my agenda and taken several hours of my time to build that simple birdhouse, we never would have uncovered that wonderful moment. Treasured moments Seven weeks later, memories such as this one were all I had left of my family. As we drove home from a relative’s wedding one stormy evening, our minivan was caught in a flash flood. The rushing torrent swept me out the driver’s side window, and about a half-mile from the highway, I somehow managed to pull myself up the south bank of the flooded creek. I was the only survivor. My wife of nearly 12 years and all four of our children went home to heaven. This can’t be happening, I kept saying to myself. Not to me. Not to my beautiful family. As my grief gushed forth and reporters clamored for a slice of the story, my “life of no regrets” came into the spotlight. I had no regrets because I had cherished my family while they were still alive, devoting generous amounts of time to them each day. As parents, we all have the best intentions of spending plenty of time with our families. But amid our hectic lives, we notch out 15 minutes of “quality” time because we believe that’s all we can squeeze in. We hope to create an unforgettable, treasured moment with our child before moving on to the next task at hand. But the reality is, we can’t plan the treasured moments we long for any more than we can plan a miracle or a Christmas morning snowfall. We all know how fleeting those moments can be — when you are walking down the trail and see a shooting star together; when you are fishing and your child shares his heart; when you are eating at the kitchen table […]
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In this Focus On The Family Australia two part podcast, we speak with Jason Huxley who was married 4 years when he admitted to his wife, Laura, that he was addicted to pornography. Jason and Laura courageously share their difficult and painful journey to restoring their marriage and the path Jason took to break free from the bonds of pornography. Jason and Laura are the founders of Guilty Pleasure – a ministry dedicated to helping set people free from the bonds of pornography. Part 1 Part 2
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In this Focus On The Family podcast, we get guidance on how to build happy, healthy Australian families. We all would like our children to grow up to be happy, healthy, well-adjusted adults. But how do we best do this? How can we raise our kids to develop to the full of their potential? Tammy Tolman and Terry Williams are from Here 2 Stay – a national initiative that’s working towards building healthy functioning families – and they share some practical advice to help parents. Photo source: www.freeimages.com
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In this Focus On The Family podcast: Ian Watson – who’s better known as Watto – is the founder of Men’s Shed Nights and author of “Champion Blokes Shed Their Shame.” He travels across Australia meeting with other men and sharing deeply about the challenges they’re going through. Watto invites two of his friends to share how God is working in their lives and helping them become “…the real deal blokes…who God created them to be.” Part 1 Part 2
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Frequent Focus on the Family guest, Kathi Lipp shares today how to eliminate clutter, something that has the potential to create stress and conflict in family relationships. She describes how guilt, shame and fear often contribute to our clutter issues. Kathi goes on to offer practical strategies on how to organise, get rid of what you don’t need and “live lighter,” giving you space and resources to serve God as He intended, instead of struggling with so much stuff!
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A few years ago my wife and I were holidaying with some friends on Vancouver Island. We were driving around looking for some off-the-beaten-path point of interest when suddenly we came upon a home with the most amazing garden I had ever seen. Right there in the middle of the road, I put the car in park and, like a moth to a flame, started walking towards the house, captivated by what I saw. My wife and friends found a parking place for the car I had abandoned, and they joined me to stand and admire the beauty. As we stood there taking in the scene, the couple that owned the home came out and invited us inside the gate to show us around. As we walked, they told us about all of the different flowers, what kind of soil and light they needed, and how they had been working for years to optimize all of their plants. They had been working hard for years and were thoroughly enjoying the fruits of their labor. As they walked us back to our car, the couple asked me about our garden. I responded sheepishly, “We really don’t have much of one.” Then they asked us who was looking after our garden while we were away from home. I simply said, “I don’t do much to it when I am home, so it never even occurred to me to have someone tend to it while I was gone.” They had been constantly working their garden. We had constantly been neglecting ours. Both of our gardens reflected the amount of effort we put in. As I thought later, I realized that we both really had the gardens we wanted. They wanted an amazing garden so they worked hard and created what they wanted. I had hopes for a garden like that, but I didn’t want it bad enough to do that much about it. After working with thousands of marriages I have come to realize that, as long as both partners are willing, people basically have the marriage they want. They may hope for something greater, but their marriages reflect the amount of effort, intentionality, and sacrifice they put into it. Everyone on your block has the same soil and opportunity for a great garden, but, if you drove through our neighborhood, you would see the results vary wildly. Similarly, every couple basically has the same opportunity to create a great marriage, but the quality from couple to couple couldn’t be more different. Reading books about gardening is much easier than actually gardening. Reading books about marriage is always easier than communicating with your spouse and pulling up the weeds that choke out intimacy or doing things that nourish the relationship. As a husband, dad, pastor, homeowner, and friend there are many things vying for my attention. The areas I focus on seem to thrive, and the ones that I neglect, like my lawn and garden, reflect the lack of attention. As a leader, there is no shortage of things you can give your best energy and intentionality to. But if there is one […]
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Like a lot of people, I remember what it felt like to be bullied in school. Fact is, if you experience bullying or harassment for any extended period of time, it has a lasting impact on your life. Whether that impact is for good or for bad ultimately depends on what do you with the pain. My experience with bullying happened when I was in the middle of high school—a really painful time for a lot of girls–because those are the years when we feel the most awkward physically and the most unsettled emotionally. It didn’t help that I was a small sixth grader, not physically equipped to defend myself. I remember the upset stomach that I had every morning before school and the fear that would weigh me down in the hallways as I tried to make it to the next class as fast as possible. As is the case a lot of times when it comes to bullying among girls, the harassment I encountered came mostly in the form of social exclusion. The experiences are still sitting there in my memory like still shots in a photo album—images of girls encircling me in gang-like fashion, shouting out comments about my clothes for all to hear. Boys often joined in with jokes during class about how ugly I was. Occasionally it was more severe: There was a girl who threatened to physically beat me up every day—and on and on it went. Why did I become a target? I believe some of it had to do with me and some of it had to do with my attackers. At that age, I suffered from low self-esteem. And I was ruled by fear—fear that advertised itself through my physical demeanor—in the way I carried myself and acted at school, which let bullies know I was an easy target. In other words, I was listening to lies. I was listening to the wrong voices in my head— voices of shame that said I wasn’t worth much. Voices of fear that said others had power over my life. And for too long, I was controlled by those voices. In the seventh grade, something happened that completely shattered the power of those lies over my life. I experienced in a life-altering way a physical and personal revelation of God’s love. This revelation was so powerful that I remember weeping uncontrollably in the presence of it—people in the church were actually trying to comfort me, not realising that it was a good kind of weeping. There’s really no way to describe it, and I know it sounds crazy. But it was a real and powerful experience that was followed by logical and permanent decision to surrender control over my life choices and my destiny to the real person of Jesus Christ, who died to save me personally. That decision changed the rest of my life—not to mention the rest of the school year. After that, the internal voices of shame and fear, and the actual bullies at school, didn’t have the same power over me they used to. That’s because my personal identity was […]
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Our “Focus on the Family” guest in this two-part broadcast is Jessie Minassian, who is a self-confessed former “crushaholic,” because when she was growing up, she used to obsess over romance and relationships with boys. Jessie believes most teen girls struggle with these issues today, almost to a point of idolatry. She observes that a girl’s God-given longing to be desired by someone else has been warped by sin into an unhealthy and sometimes dangerous obsession. Bottom-line, Jessie believes every teen girl needs to place her identity in Jesus Christ rather than on some relationship and she offers a lot of practical, Bible-based advice to parents on navigating boy-girl relationships, dating, purity and more. Part 1 Part 2 This podcast has been provided by Focus On The Family Australia. For more helpful parenting and relationship advice and resources, visit their website http://www.families.org.au
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