Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

—There’s a new sports drink from New England!

—A new PSA is out just for bros behind the wheel.

—We present more lines that Gillian really (really) does not want to say.

—There’s a new trend of bedroom etiquette…and a song to go with it!

Ted and Michael Read Sketches into Microphones is a non-union production. While the creators wholeheartedly support the WGA and SAG-AFTRA, and some are even members of these unions, this podcast is not affected by the strikes. We stand with the unions. Plus we paid our performers and crew fairly, respected their time, and no one involved owns a yacht.

In addition to your hosts Ted O’Gorman and Michael Paul Smith, this season features the voice talent of Nick Costa, Jennie Harney-Fleming, Aneesa Folds, Dave Hanson, Mike Houston, James Monroe Iglehart, C. Julian Jimenez, Eddy Lee, Hallie O’Gorman, Mike O’Gorman, Gillian Pensavalle, Emmanuel Polycarpe, Luke Sholl, Lily Talevski, Michael Torpey, and Nik Walker.

Season Four of Ted and Michael Read Sketches into Microphones was recorded by Chelsey Cohen, with editing, mixing, and sound design by Tom Kelly at Clean Cut Audio. Gillian Pensavalle is the executive producer, and this season was also produced in association with our friends over at Mischief Media.

https://tedandmichael.mischiefmedia.com/
The podcast on Instagram: @tedandmichaelpodcast
Mike on Instagram and TikTok: @mpsmithnyc
Ted on Instagram: @ted_ogorman

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MPS: Oh. Why hello there! Welcome to “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones.” I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.

MPS: Ted, it’s a big day. Our new intern starts today. His name is Guy. Let’s not screw this up. Shall we? I can’t believe his college approved his internship. I’m begging you, be anyone but yourself. K?

Ted: Oooooh. Look who’s moving up in the world? It’s us. Because we got someone to do our dirty work! “Hey Guy, get us some more coffee! Hey Guy, do the dishes! We got errands for you to run, Guy!” How funny is it that we have an inter–

MPS: Hey Guy, do my taxes, bam! While you’re at it go get me Chinese food, but from the place on 23rd that has the funny fortune cookies, bam! Hey Guy, go get my car inspected! Ooooops forgot to tell you I don’t have a car you fuckin’ loser intern, now eat all the lemons in that bowl! Guy, hows about you shit your pants so Ted and I can laugh at your doody butt sittin’ in a poopy diaper! Guy, get me tickets to French Montana! Guy, figure out how to repair a marriage! Yo Guy, I want three pounds of quality fondant for a race car cake I’m baking for my nephew for if-slash-when he gets out of surgery!

Ted: What is it that you think an assistant does?

MPS: I don’t actually know but I am looking forward to hazing him. Is this what power feels like? I get it now. I reeeeeally get it.

Ted: Your pupils look like goddamn saucers right now. You’re pouring sweat. Are you on something?

MPS: Only the greatest drug known to man. The power to make another your complete subservient. The ultimate dominance. I’ve dreamt of it, every man does. Total control. I’m one step closer to–

GPS: Hey fellas.

MPS/Ted: Yeah/what’s up?

GPS: That intern, Guy, called and said it’s not going to work out.

MPS: Why pray tell would that be?

GPS: Apparently his professor hadn’t listened to the podcast. And then he did… And now he knows what you’re like… The type of sketches you record…How it’s crass and vile… and weird. You’re both dumb… You’re vapid. That you drink while you record…then you cry a lot…Ted, do I have to keep going?

Ted: Nope! I get it.

MPS: I… I… So very close. Your chance will come, Smith. Even if you need to move the moon to make it so…

—

“Carbonated Clam Chowder”

Phil: Time! I need a break. Let me grab some water.

Opponent: It’s gonna take more than water to up your game. Man you’re playing like my grandmother, Phil!

Teammate: Let’s take five. Let him get a drink then we’ll see who plays like a grandma. Man, Phil, you’re stinking it up out there. What’s going on? You ok?

Phil: Oh man, I went out for an office party last night and to be honest I didn’t remember we were playing until my alarm went off at 8. I feel like death. You have any sports drinks in your bag? All I have is water. I need some electrolytes. Feel like I’m going to pass out.

Teammate: Well, why didn’t you say so? Here have a Triple C. It’s exactly what you need.

Phil: Triple C?

Teammate: Yeah man, it’s Carbonated Clam Chowder. The perfect thing to drink when you’ve had a rough night but need to be at your best the next morning.

Phil: Clam chowder? But why is it in a soda can?

Teammate: Triple C is new from Tyburn Industries. It combines the creamy richness you expect from a thick New England clam chowder with the effervescence of a high end sparkling water.

Phil: Really?

Teammate: Yeah, the chowder lines your stomach so you don’t feel hungry. Clams are naturally high in electrolytes, as we all know…

Phil: Well sure, we all know about the naturally occurring electrolytes in clams. But why make it carbonated?

Teammate: Are you kidding? You’d be nuts to reach for a can of regular clam chowder at a time like this. All that creamy, chunky goodness would weigh you down. But with Triple C’s patented carbonation you’re lifted up and don’t feel like you’ve just had a lukewarm bowl of mediocre chowder made by a hearty New England woman with a weathered face. Here, give it a try!

Phil: Oh man, that is good. I think I can feel it working.

Teammate: That’s clam power my friend.

Phil: Wow, there’s some really big pieces of potato in here.

Teammate: Just give the bottom of the can a whack and those little beauties will come tumbling out.

Phil: So thick. Just the punch of dairy I needed to rev my engine! Wow! I’m feeling better already.

Teammate: And that’s made with real heavy cream, pal. Tyburn isn’t messing around.

Phil: Oh my god. I feel like I could run a marathon. Who knew carbonated clam chowder was just what the doctor ordered?! Thanks man.

Teammate: You got it. Now let’s show those guys a thing or two about how to play the game.

Phil: I hope they’re ready. They’re about to see me chow down on their defense.

Opponent: You dorks ready to play? Or are you still busy polishing your calculators?

Phil: I think we’re just about ready (Burps). Oh, god.

V.O: Carbonated Clam Chowder, from Tyburn Industries. Hope you’re ready for a clam dunk!

This soup is not kosher.

Phil: Hey pass me the (Burps) rock.

—

“Monster Truck PSA 5”

V.O: BROS! Hey, I know you. You’re the guy with an awesome ride that turns heads. Your vehicle is an extension of your personality. It screams, “Look at me,” and “give me praise for superficial reasons because I am superior.” Know what’s really superior? What separates the men from the little boys? It ain’t the size of your rims, or your towing capability; it’s USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL!!! Show everyone you know exactly where you’re going in life by SIGNALING IN ADVANCE!!! Nothing shows more confidence! When you change lanes people will notice! And then they will respond in accordance with the rules of the road to safely allow for your lane change. You said you were going to do something and then you did it. You’re a man of your word and that speaks volumes about you! All because you USED YOUR SIGNAL BEFORE CHANGING LANES!!! Good thing you work your lats. A normal man wouldn’t be able to take all the pats on the back coming your way!

—

“Lines That Gillian Doesn’t Want 5”

GPS: And now we present…lines that I–Gillian Pensavalle…do not want to say.

—

GPS: Mike, I’m done! Gonna need the plunger for that one. Make it snappy. Old Gillian is reloading!

—

GPS: I’ve been slowly poisoning Ted for 11 years. That guy has swallowed more antifreeze than a ‘91 caprice wagon.

—

GPS: Why are tampons a thing when we have quick dry cement?

—

GPS: Mike’s hammer is so huge and hairy it should climb the Empire State Building and swat at biplanes.

—

GPS: I just farted something I can only describe as very Axl Rose.

—

GPS: I own a large share of Hobby Lobby stock.

—

GPS: You ever spend the night doing blow and discussing the Criterion Collection with your old college roommate Delvin, and then when his wife Beth comes to pick him up the next day and you accidentally blood sneeze onto their 8 month old…? But she’s named “Sunrise”, so it’s kind of a freebie.

—

GPS: I’ve got a belly full of motor oil, a head full of crazy, and a… a… Mike… I don’t think I should have drank all that motor oil.

—

GPS: Mike, if Audrey doesn’t fluff the pillows next time she cleans, I’m sending her back to Milwaukee.

—

GPS: Is it me or has the quality of hard drugs gone down since grade school?

—

GPS: This has been…lines that I–Gillian Pensavalle…did not want to say.

—

“Quick To Be Cool”

Jake: Well, what would you have me do? Do I need medication? Yeah, I can come in tomorrow. Whenever you can fit me in, I’ll be there.

*They crash their respective carts into each other.

Jake: Oh man./I hung up on my doctor.
(Same time)

Troy: I might have dinged your cart wheel there.

Jake: Troy!

Troy: Hey! Of all the guys to crash into, huh?

Old man: Do you fellas wanna move your carts over, please?

Jake: Lemme get these eggs cleaned up for ya.

Troy: Don’t worry about that. Someone will come around.

Jake: Alright. So what’s new?

Troy: Not too much. But look at you. You look fantastic. You have…frankly you have a glow.

Old man: Even…gee, six inches would do it. In any direction, really. I just gotta squeak by.

Jake: No, no. I’m sure that’s not true./And I’m sorry about this crash here. I was on the phone with my…

Troy: It is true. Oh, please. Don’t be modest. Don’t worry about it. Is something wrong?

Jake: I just…it’s nothing…I shouldn’t…

Troy: Come on! You can tell me. What is it? Are you and Shirley still seeing each other?

Jake: I…ugh. I don’t…

Troy: Not going well? I thought she was perfect for you.

Jake: I thought so, too. But…it’s sexual.

Old man: Oh my God.

Troy: (To Old Man) Hey keep it movin’, old timer. Nobody’s talkin’ to you./(To Jake) That’s a shame though, buddy.

Old man: (Interrupting) That’s what I’m trying to do!

Troy: (Continuing) Is it…chemistry?

Jake: I didn’t think so at first, but…it’s just too much. We were up all last night. I never sleep anymore!

Troy: What are we gonna do with you, my young friend?

Jake: What is it?

Troy: You haven’t heard? YOU haven’t heard?

Jake: Heard what?

Troy: Get with the times, man. It’s no longer cool to go all night, in fact—you gotta be quick to be cool.

Old man: That’s it. I’m coming through.

Jake and Troy: Excuse ME sir, what a rude person, we’re living in a society, Fuck right off there, Father Time, etc.

OG: (Singing)

Oh, I can’t take another whole night,

Oh it’s all this time spent, I’m at my wit’s end. You say my love is bona fide, but I wanna be done as soon as I get inside. And when I ask you how it was, I want you to say,

You gotta be quick to be cool. Only five seconds, quick to be cool: make me a sandwich, quick to be cool, let’s watch Sportscenter. Maybe…

OG: A Seinfeld rerun, you gotta be quick to be cool.

News Anchor: We have breaking news coming in. Apparently, there’s been a cure for cancer found in the past few minutes, NASA reports a planned mission to Mars, and Snickers are now calorie free! People everywhere are getting important work done. Leaders in the field of human sexuality say the reason for these accomplishments is a change in the bedroom-leaving people more time for important work. These days you’ve gotta be quick to be cool…thank goodness.

OG: Well I do my next to make you think I care. But I’m getting some texts, and my phone’s just like right there. I think about Miss Adelaide, you know my teacher from 10th grade, and whoops there it is.

All: And when I ask you how it was, I want you to say,

You gotta be quick to be cool. I already held ya, quick to be cool, I wanna play Zelda. Quick to be cool, I’ve got work tomorrow.

Go home, cause you can’t stay here.

You gotta be quick to be cool.

MPS: Ted.

Ted: Mike.

MPS: Good job on season four.

Ted: Hey, you too, pal.

MPS: Wanna say anything over acoustic guitar accompaniment?

Ted: Um…sure. How come you can’t go “over” when you guess a price on contestant’s row of The Price Is Right? Shouldn’t it just go to whoever’s closest, whether they’re over or under? And that way, you wouldn’t have those $1 assholes trying to game the system.

MPS: You know what, I hate to admit it, but that’s a really good question. Drew Carey, we await your response.

Ted: Yeah. FIX IT!

OG: Oh, I can’t take another whole night,

Oh it’s all this time spent, I’m at my wit’s end. You say my love is bona fide, but I wanna be done as soon as I get inside. And when I ask you how it was, I want you to say,

You gotta be quick to be cool. Only five seconds, quick to be cool: make me a sandwich, quick to be cool, let’s watch Sportscenter. Baby, finish yourself off.

You gotta be quick to be cool.

Quick to be cool. Only five seconds, quick to be cool, what’s the eta on that sandwich?

Sportscenter is starting,

Look I’ve got work tomorrow,

Baby, you gotta be quick to be cool.

I already held ya,

I just wanna play Zelda.

Look, I’ve got work tomorrow.

Baby, you gotta be quick to be cool.

In and out one time.

My dong prefers sunshine

It’s a very very very quick splooge.
You gotta be quick to be cool.

—

Ted: This episode is dedicated to cigarettes. Say what you will, but when you live in a crowded city and you’d like the sidewalk to yourself, there’s nothin’ like it. So while you’re refreshing your podcast app, waitin’ on season 5, give it a try sometime.

GPS: Ted, did you just encourage our listeners to take up smoking?

Ted: I sure did, Geeps. And I did it from the heart.

GPS: Oh, Jesus. Well, that’s a wrap on season 4. Thanks for listening everybody!

—

“Outtakes”

—Lines That Gillian Doesn’t Want 5—

GPS: Mike if I have to wait another minute for my coffee you might as well pour it into your dick! And I’m on the phone! Savana, what else did you get for your birthday, sweet girl? No, unfortunately Mike can’t come to the phone, he’s… you’re six, you deserve the truth. Honey, he’s about to have a penis full of hot coffee.

—

If jelly beans were hate, I’d have the most jelly beans for freedom of the press.

—

—Carbonated Clam Chowder—

Dave: Hey pass me the (Burps) rock. Oh, I didn’t say “cock”, did I? I think I did. That’s not what I meant.

Ted: Or IS it?

Dave: Or IS IT?! CLAM CHOWDERRR!

Ted: Pass the cock!

Dave: Pass it!

—

—Dedication—

Ted: Fix it! Goddamn system’s broken.

MPS: The show’s been on the air for 48 years.

—

MPS: I’d be really mad if someone said “One dollar” right next to me.

Ted: I’d be LIVID. It’s a broken system.

MPS: Or when they say your price plus a dollar. Like if I say…

Ted: Oh man! That gets my goat. That gets my goat.

MPS: You’re screwed. Unless you have the price exactly right, you’re screwed.

Ted: Oh, man. It should be a criminal offense.

—

—Quick To Be Cool—

MPS: Come on. You can tell me. We go way back! What is it? Are you and Shirley still seeing each other? I always thought she was…wonderful for you…unless you’ve already broken up, in which case I hated her.

—

MPS: How’d that sound?

Ted: Probably not great, but passable.

Chelsey: I thought it was beautiful.

MPS: Oh, thanks, Chelse!

Ted: Chelsey, you’re a terrible liar.

MPS: Let’s do that chunk one more time.

Ted and MPS: Again and again, and when I ask you…

—

—Carbonated Clam Chowder—

JMI: (Laughing) Wait a minute! Holy shit! Carbonated Clam Chowder! That is so…that is so terrible. Oh, God!

—

Torpey: Yeah, buddy. And that is made with real heavy cream. I don’t even think they process it.

MPS: Wow, it’s right outta the utters, huh?

Torpey: I went to the factory and they were shooting it straight from the teet into the can!

—

Torpey: Try and not burp the rest of the day.

MPS: Oh, ok.

Torpey: If you burp, you lose some of the power.

“Credits”

“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because Mike loves jazz, and he’s sad he never learned the trumpet.

This season of Ted and Michael Read Sketches into Microphones was recorded by Chelsey Cohen, with editing, mixing, and sound design by Tom Kelly at Clean Cut Audio. This season was also produced in association with our dear friends over at Mischief Media.

You can find full credits – including all of our incredible voice talent – plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and look–I know they’re two straight white guys with a podcast. But they’re two of the good ones. So do us a solid.

Follow the guys on Instagram @tedandmichaelpodcast. and individually @ted_ogorman and @mpsmithnyc

Mike has a TikTok! It’s @mpsmithnyc, there, too!

For feedback of all kinds, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and stay weird, friends!

—

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—Hogwarts LA is back with a new commercial!

—Some adventurous friends are ravenous for brunch.

—A 90’s commercial had a very dangerous brand of jeans.

—Arnold Schwarzenegger unpacks famous song lyrics.

https://tedandmichael.mischiefmedia.com/
The podcast on Instagram: @tedandmichaelpodcast
Mike on Instagram and TikTok: @mpsmithnyc
Ted on Instagram: @ted_ogorman

View Details

MPS: Hello hello! Welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.

MPS: So Ted here’s the pitch: It’s a sketch where we’re basically ourselves, but we host a comedy radio show during the 1940s. Gives us a chance to play with the humor that was popular during that era and do some old-timey voices. Kind of like the Martin and Lewis inspired sketch from last season.

Ted: The 40s? When in the 40s specifically?

MPS: I don’t know, I didn’t think that was super important. Let’s call it ‘44.

Ted: Well you’ll be hosting that show by yourself.

MPS: Why?

Ted: I’ll be in Europe fighting the Nazis. You may be ok not defending your country. Not me. I bleed red white and blue. Presumably you paid a draft board doctor to classify you 4F. Typical. You probably were runnin’ around your house sandin’ it down to pin-up girls while I was in parachute school. After all, why would you want to disrupt your lavish radio star lifestyle to risk life and limb to serve Uncle Sam? Oh and I’m just now remembering that your grandfather was German. What’s wrong Mike, can’t go against the Fatherland in case they win? Hedging your bets by not picking a side? Let me tell you something. The only good kraut is on my hotdog while I’m watching Joltin Joe Dimaggio hit one out of Yankee Stadium!

MPS: Well, ok. DiMaggio wasn’t really a home run hitter, but uh…you know what, those are some things to think about. How about we change it to ‘49?

Ted: ‘49? Yeah I can do ‘49. That’s a completely different story.

MPS: Except I’ll still be hosting alone.

Ted: Why? Mikey the war was over by ‘49. I’m back stateside, baby.

MPS: Sadly, Ted. You died.

Ted: You’re saying I died during the war?

MPS: No you never even saw combat. You worked as a mess hall dishwasher. Came back without a scratch. You died breaking your neck in a violent fall down the subway stairs after your old radio partner intentionally pushed you and then paid a cop to say the stairs were icy and it was an act of God.

Ted: So, ‘44 you said? That works, I can do ‘44

MPS: That’s what I thought.

—

“Hogwarts LA 3”

OG: Are you tired of takin’ the 405 to the 10, working for eight hours, and then taking the 10 back to the 405 every day? Does your thrice daily shot of wheatgrass just not taste quite as earthy anymore? Well maybe muggle pursuits aren’t enough for you. Baby, it’s time to update that “special skills” section of your acting resume and head on over to Hogwarts LA for some inclusive, yet exclusive, socially conscious and super trendy magical training!

Torp: At Hogwarts LA, once you pass your broom class you’ll never have to wait in traffic again. You can just fly over all those stupid muggles with glee. And guess what; our brooms are emission free! You’ll get to your destination quickly, and feel good about your role in healing our planet.

JJC: My whole life I wanted to be the next great extreme sports athlete. My adrenaline chasing ended when my chute didn’t open and I splashed down in The Santa Clara river. My spine was shattered, my skull made a popping sound, and part of my brain leaked out my ear. But thanks to the Hogwarts infirmary they regrew my bones, then they took pity on me and let me stay on as a house elf!

OG: Buddy boy, at Hogwarts, your headshots move! It’s like having a second reel! Which is great, cause most of my clients don’t even have a first reel!

Anxious person: I love all my professors here at Hogwarts LA. Except for professor Larry David. He’s always prowling the halls, and correcting people’s etiquette with his “unwritten rules.” One time he caught me drawing on my desk, and he made me sit in detention for five hours, writing, ‘I will respect wood’ over and over.” My magic quill ran out. Pretty pretty pretty bad. Bald asshole.

MPS: I wasn’t sure if Hogwarts LA was for me. Then I toured the campus. Tupac’s ghost lives in the upstairs bathroom! When he’s not on tour, that is. I saw him live in 2011. I thought it was a hologram. It was NOT.

Hallie: I went to Hogwarts LA to see if any of the halls of wisdom and prophecy could tell me what Steve Guttenberg is up to. I still haven’t found out. (To the crew) Do you guys know?

GP: I went to Hogwarts

OG: And I got sorted

Ted: And I got sorted

MPS: And I got sorted

Everyone: Get sorted. For life.

OG: Yup yup. West side.

—

“Adventurous Friends”

V.O: And now we present a sexually adventurous group of friends ordering brunch.

*Restaurant/mild crowd noise

Al: I’ll have two eggs over easy, home fries, no toast, bacon, crispy but please not burnt, and I know that’s a fine line, but your best effort will be fine. And are those free range eggs? Because I can’t with those factory eggs anymore.

Server: They…are not.

Al: No? Ok. I guess I’ll just have the pancakes. Now, I know a lot of people think this is crazy, but I’d like a side of ranch. I get it-you think I’m nuts. But they do it in Denmark all the time. OMG guys did I tell you about my trip to Denmark? Jessica, you were there. You were the only London Bridge in Denmark!

*They all laugh.

Jessica: That reminds me! I owe Sven a call! You know he let me keep that dog collar. Such a lovely culture. Very giving. Also not bad at taking. Wink, wink.

Al: Beautiful scenery. And the memories! (To the server) Oh! And a black coffee. I need to wake myself up for round two! Thank you so much.

Server: And for you?

Tim: I’ll have the breakfast delight special but can I substitute bacon for the sausage?

Server: I don’t think so.

Tim: Ok well it really should say no substitutions on your menu. Oh! Jessica, when you let me thump my penis on your belly like it was a hollow log this morning, I felt like I was doing a number that Baloo would be singing in the Jungle Book! It was erotic and it brought back a favorite Disney movie memory, so thanks!

Al: That was hilarious. I laughed so hard I almost finished!

Jessica: Glad you didn’t! That would have been a waste of those seven viagra I snuck into your protein shake before we started.

*Al stands up

Al: Is that why this is still going on?! Don’t touch it. It’s very very sensitive. Those are not pleats.

Jessica: Yup. You’ll have that little teepee for about three more hours! I just love dosing people!

Server: I’m sorry, I actually think we can do substitutions. Can you guys like…

Tim: Oh, that’s great. Then yes, the breakfast delight special with the bacon instead of the sausages.

Jessica: Nick, when I used your penis to stir my cocoa and then told you to stay in the corner until Mommy spanked you back into the game, I thought you were really crying!

Nick: I really was crying!

Jessica: That’s good to know. (To server) I’ll just start with the largest glass of water you have. I’m very dehydrated. And then, I know it’s early but can you do a reuben?

Server: Yeah our lunch menu is available.

Jessica: Good, I’ll have a reuben with extra kraut and two ramekins of russian dressing on the side, onion rings instead of fries. And could you check with your kitchen and see if they’d be willing to part with a length of twine that is strong enough to restrain a grown man even as he howls to be released? Thank you so much.

Al: Oh, good call. I almost forgot to ask about the twine. Sorry, we’re trying something later. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go try and poop this condom.

Server: Why don’t I…I’ll be right back with your drinks.

V.O: This has been a sexually adventurous group of friends ordering brunch.

—

“Basting Denim”

GPS: And now we present something no one asked for: Lost commercials from the 1990’s. Why are we doing this again…?

MPS: Because Geeps, it’s important to learn from history, even recent history. And what are we here for, if not to educate?

GPS: Whatever. Just roll it.

Surfer dude: Whooaaaaaa, you dudes are all wearing tired old jeans! Grass stains, holes in the knees! What gives?

Bunch of kids: What?, These are cool, etc.

SD: You think you look cool, but you look like everyone else! Don’t you wanna stand out from the crowd?

BOK: Yeaaah!

SD: Then you gotta check out Basting Denim! The only jeans you break in by roasting in the oven at 400 degrees and basting every 20 minutes with chicken broth. Then after cooking for 3 hours, put on while they’re still hot! The jeans mold to your body and you’ll smell like a rotisserie chicken!

BOK: Whaaaat, So cool, I love chicken. Using an oven and basting a pair of jeans is easy and safe even if mom and dad aren’t home, kids as young as 5 can do it!

SD: So if you’re no chicken (cowardly chicken bok-bok) then you’d better start basting! Basting Denim: the only jeans you cook hot to look cool!

Ted: I can see why that one didn’t make it.

MPS: Just think of how hot the rivets would have been! It boggles the mind! And yet, in 1997 I bought a pair.

Ted: Wow, all the kids I knew that got Basting Denim either died or lived out the last of their severely burned days in insane asylums and could never smell chicken again without clawing at their horribly scarred thighs.

MPS: Yup, so many of us 90s kids lost friends to Basting Denim. They smelled great, looked great in the commercial, but trying on 400 degree jeans that have been diligently basted with chicken broth every 20 minutes for 3 hours isn’t safe. And, of course we know that now. But we didn’t know that at the time.

Ted: During the 1990’s there was absolutely no way of knowing that putting normal jeans in a 400 degree oven and soaking them in hot chicken broth through rigorous basting would be dangerous. So how’d you survive and not go mad?

MPS: Oh, I used a crock pot, Ted. And I set it to low. That way there was no basting. My jeans braised slowly over an 8 hour period. And that freed up 14 year old me for a torrent of masturbation. I mean I really whittled it down. And then, after 8 hours, when I awoke from my post self-coital nap, the crock pot had turned itself to a keep warm setting, thereby allowing the pants to rest and cool slightly. So when I finally did try on my jeans, they were a cool one hundred degrees. No burns for this guy!

Ted: Yup. There he is, folks. The smartest guy I ever met.

GPS: This has been Lost 90’s commercials. And again all I ask is… why?

—

“Song Lyrics Misunderstood By Arnold”

V.O: And now we present–Song Lyrics Misunderstood by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A.S. Of course, when I came to this country I didn’t speak much English. I used Movies, T.V. and especially music to learn the language. But even after getting comfortable with English I would still find new words or concepts and think, “maybe they’re uniquely American…” I didn’t realize that more often than not I had simply misunderstood a conversation or the lyrics to a song. Take Carly Simon’s incredible song “You’re so Vain” from 1971. I thought the lyric was “I had some dreams, there was Klaus in my coffee. Klaus in my coffee. You’re so vain.” I thought, “That’s insane. What’s this man doing in Carly Simon’s coffee? How big is this cup of coffee? How small is this Klaus she sings of?” I hoped the coffee wasn’t too hot, or it could hurt Klaus. Is this how Americans want to treat German-Austrian men? It felt terrible. I called my mother in Austria and said, “I think I’ve made a horrible mistake. Carly Simon and other Americans want to put people like me into large cups of coffee.” And of course she just said, “I told you so.’” I didn’t sleep for a week. A year later I saw Carly Simon at a dinner and I confronted her about it. I said, “The man in your song, Klaus. Was he based on a real person? Did he survive being placed in a bathtub-sized cup of coffee? Carly, do you have a problem with me? Do I remind you of Klaus? You wanna put in coffee?! Dot it! Do it! I’m here! I’m right here!” Carly quietly explained that the lyric was, “I had some dreams there were clouds in my coffee.” She was very sweet and I felt very embarrassed. We hugged and I left, and on my drive home I thought, “Clouds in coffee doesn’t make sense either!” Clouds live in the sky and when they’re sad, they cry and make rain. Clouds can’t go into a beverage. It wouldn’t work! And that’s when I realized; Carly Simon is a psychopath and should be locked away for eternity.

V.O: This has been-Song Lyrics Misunderstood by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

—

MPS: Ted, I hereby dedicate this episode to grappling hooks.

Ted: Have a strong relationship with grappling hooks, do you?

MPS: More than you’ll ever know. I’ve hooked my grapple to so many tall buildings. The jewels I’ve stolen, the paintings I’ve pilfered, the cash I’ve absconded with. You’ll never know the full weight of my crimes.

Ted: I once saw you return a pack of gum you thought you didn’t pay for.

MPS: Cause that would’ve been small potatoes, my friend.

Ted: Huh. Well, alright.

—

“Outtakes”

—Adventurous Friends—

GP: I…I’ll be right back with your drinks.

MPS: Now just pant like you’re running a little.

*GP pants

MPS: That sound like she’s turned on. I won’t use that…but it’s fine. She’s super into this swinger scene…

Ted: She’s gonna be droppin’ her number at the table.

GP: That’s the big twist.

MPS: You can definitely stop down on this one. That’s a cut.

—

Nick: That was confusing. I thought Nick was gonna be me.

MPS: Yeah, yeah I noticed that. Bad fictitious naming on my part.

Nick: Seriously.

MPS: Maybe you texted me at that exact moment.

Nick: “It’s a fine name.”

—

—Basting Denim—

OG: You think you look cool, but you look like everyone else! Don’t you wanna stand out from the crowd?

Ted: Was that Pauly Shore? A little Pauly Shore?

OG: Yeah, a little Pauly Shore, there.

Ted: Give me a little “Rock and Jock.”

“Credits”

Follow the guys on Instagram @tedandmichaelpodcast. and individually @ted_ogorman and @mpsmithnyc

Mike has a TikTok! It’s @mpsmithnyc, there, too!

For feedback of all kinds, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and stay weird, friends!

—

View Details

GPS: Hey everyone, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. Gillian Pensavalle here. Just bear with me…Alright guys let’s go over the rules again. You can hit each other in the face, but not the throat. Preserve your voice boxes. You’re podcasters, after all. Nut shots are allowed but limited to 3 each. Ok? This is a battle of kicks and punches so I don’t want to see any grappling or clinching. If one of you manages to claw his way to the bucket of weapons at the end of the room you will find they are divided into two categories: sharp metal implements of varying design and cudgels of diverse weights and thickness. There will be an initial round of 7 minutes. If no winner is declared there will be a 1 minute break, very brief. During the break you will drink a combo of pickle juice, root beer, and milk. After you throw up, another 7 minute round will commence. This will continue until there is a last man standing. Ted, your hand is up. Do you have a question?

Ted: Yes, um do we have to?

MPS: I was gonna ask the same thing.

GPS: Let me answer your question with another. Did you eat the last two yogurts in the fridge?

Ted/MPS: Yeah.

GPS: Well there’s your answer. Now, put your blindfolds on. The gong will sound the start. Remain on your knees at all times.

*Gong sound

GPS: Enjoy sketch #1, fam.

—

“Lines Gillian Doesn’t Want 4”

GPS: And now we present…lines that I–Gillian Pensavalle…do not want to say.

—

GPS: I feel like picking a fist fight with that old lady over there. She’s been giving Mike do-me eyes for the past 5 minutes. And that, “The Geeps,” cannot abide.

—

GPS: I find Tucker Carlson thought-provoking. He has such kind eyes.

—

GPS: What are you waiting for, a fucking participation ribbon or something, Mike? Shake your ass outta bed and go make me a plate!

—

GPS: I LOVE to vape.

—

GPS: HEYYYYYAAAAHHHHOOOOWWWWOOOOO!!!

—

GPS: Ughhhhh, move over Teddy boy. Momma’s gotta spread out on the couch. Mike really shifted some things around inside last night. Really checked out the ‘ol loft space, know what I’m sayin’?

—

GPS: Mel Gibson is my godfather and I’m very proud of that fact.

—

GPS: When I first saw Mike’s tube, it was so big I thought I needed to feed it a dead mouse.

—

GPS: I’ll take a well gin, please. Up. And lukewarm. Thanks.

—

GPS: I once lost a “Maternity Ward Bet” and had to go down on this woman who had just given vaginal birth to triplets. Her sphincter was so prolapsed that it was ticklin’ my chin while I was smoochin’ bean!

—

GPS: This has been…lines that I–Gillian Pensavalle…did not want to say.

—

“Dealer Date”

VO: Life is full of ups and downs. Highs and lows. And if you’re someone who’s supplied a few highs in your lifetime you can’t go looking for love on any old dating site. You need someone who understands your lifestyle and needs. Try Dealer Date, the world’s first dating app for drug dealers. There are all sorts of people in the drug game. Maybe you’re a coke pusher looking to settle down with a mellow weed queen. Perhaps you’d like to come home from a long day of playground speed-dealing to a Meth Mrs., who knows just how you like your potatoes mashed. And what’s a day of slinging rock if it doesn’t end with a bedtime kiss from the one you love?
Dealer Date’s unique algorithm will match your personality and drug dealing profile with a likely companion. Swipe right on the app’s suggestion to start a conversation. And if that goes well, plan a meeting in a surreptitious location where you’re likely to keep away from prying eyes. We know you can do that, wink. If drugs are just a sideline you started to make your alimony payments, don’t worry; we’ve got your back. Part time drug dealers are welcome, too! There’s no amount of drugs you deal that are too small to qualify you for membership on Dealer Date. Even if you’ve dropped out of the game because the fuzz was onto you and now you have a legitimate career at a rental car company, your past experience washing heroin-filled balloons after someone pooped them, means you’re just the person we’d like to help find love! If you’re a former kingpin who simply got out while the going was good, congratulations! With our help, in no time you’ll be ready to dig up some shrink-wrapped bundles of cash from your backyard, and enjoy your well-earned retirement with your new better half. So don’t waste another minute not dating a person whose occupation could see them incarcerated for a lengthy stay, or more likely die violently at the hands of a sicario. In fact you probably shouldn’t date someone who doesn’t know what a sicario is. It’s Dealer Date. A new app from Tyburn Industries. Because you’ve muled drugs, and now it’s time to mule love.

—

“Trains”

Ted: And now we’d like to transport you all to a simpler time.

MPS: One of the simplest.

Ted: In more ways than one. Follow us to the Dust Bowl, Springfield Missouri. In the year of our Lord, 1935.

—

*Starts with a repetitive, staticey bluegrass song.

Ma: Emmett, turn off that radiuh, your pa’s almost home from workin at the WPA, and you know he doesn’t like any loud radiuh listenin’ before he’s taken off his boots and had his first jar of shine.

Emmett and Samuel: Sorry, Ma.

Ma: That’s better. Now keep whittlin’. This ain’t Sundee.

Emmett and Samuel: Yes, Ma.

*Door opens and closes.

Ma: Why hello Pa.

Emmett and Samuel: Hey Pa.

Pa: Ma. Sons.

Ma: How is it out there?

Pa: Of all the days I’ve lived in Springfield this is the dustiest. It…it is a dusty Springfield out there, Ma. I’ll tell ya. What are you boys doin’?

Samuel: We’s whittlin’ pa.

Pa: Very good. Samuel, what have you got there?

Samuel: I whittled a dog, pa.

Ma and Pa: Good, very nice, etc.

Pa: Now Emmett what are YOU whittlin’?

Emmett: I call it a breath of air.

Ma and Pa: (Groaning) What? How? Are you…? What is the matter with you, boy? Etc.

Pa: Emmett, how many times have I told you, you cannot whittle things that you cannot throw. You cannot whittle a breath of air. You can only whittle things like a dog, or dirt. Or liberty.

Emmett: But Pa I like whittlin’ my breath of air. I started it down at the schoolhouse, and…

Ma: Now how many times have I told you not to go muddlin’ round that school house??

Emmett: But Ma I like goin’ down to the schoolhouse. Miss Dawson says I’m creative.

Ma: Miss Dawson is a Cath-ol-ic.

Pa: Is that so?

Ma: I seen the tattoo!

Pa: Catholic! She must be, “I’ve had cheese in my life” rich!

Ma: That teacher been dancin’ with the devil in a dress made of dust bowl!

Pa: Well that settles it! Emmett, you got too many things to do rather than spending time with a damned Cath-ol-ic. You should be doin’ things that boys your age do!

Emmett: Like what, Pa?

Pa: Like…tyin’ a stick to a horse’s tail, and then slappin’ the horse on the keyster and watchin’ the stick go tippety tap off the horse’s keyster as it runs off. Or runnin’ after a freight train, seein’ if you can catch up to it. If you can, you jump in. Then askin’ the first hobo you see to hit you on the head, then seein’ what new place you’re in when you wake up! These are things that boys your age do.

Samuel: What else, Pa? What else should boys our age be doin’?

Pa: Well Samuel, I’ll tell ya! You should be doin’ things like fakin’ your own death and attending your body-less funeral by hiding in the attic of the meetin’ house and watchin’ everybody lookin’ all sad, and then droppin down outta the attic and makin’ a dramatic entrance, and takin’ note of all the pretty girls that have tears in their eyes. These are things that boys your age do!

Emmett: But…Pa…the thing is that, Pa…the school…school is…

Pa: Schyoowill what??!

Ma: Emmett you are dumber than a box of hay.

Pa: Emmett you’re about as useful as a bag of dirt, with two sticks and two sticks for a total of four sticks, one for each limb! Son, you are like a dirt snowman!

Emmett: When you say hurtful things, Pa…and also Ma…

Pa: Emmett, if you ain’t a snake then I don’t know what slithered out your mama!

Ma: But all this misbehavior isn’t entirely your fault. When I was pregnant with you I was kicked in the womb by a horse.

*Emmett and Samuel: react, shocked

Emmett: You…what? I…by a horse???

Ma: No. Not a horse. (To Pa) See, this is what I mean about this boy?

Pa: That boy is our greatest mistake.

Ma: I was kicked in the womb by several whores. Your father was a regular at the Springfield brothel, and when I went down there to fetch him home…well suffice it to say that those women of ill-repute don’t take kindly to anyone removin’ a client from their boudoir.

Pa: You boys let that be a lesson!

Emmett and Samuel: Yes, Pa.

Emmett: But I just wanna whittle my dreams. I have these vivid dreams. I just wanna whittle them.

Pa: Now Emmett, my son, your Ma and I aren’t insensitive to a young, runt-of-the-litter type such as yourself trying to find themself in the world, and maybe try a few new things. New methods of self-expression, and the like.

Emmett: Well thanks, Pa! That’s all I’ve ever…

Pa: And that is why we’re gonna send you out back to break yourself off a switch so we can beat you with it.

Emmett: What? I…? Really…?

Ma: Your Pa has to beat that indypendance right outta you, Emmett. You go out and break yourself off a switch.

Emmett: But I don’t wanna break myself off a switch.

Pa: Emmett…go on out and break yourself off a switch.

Emmett: No. I will not break off any switch for myself, Pa. Not now. Not ever. I will not.

*Ma and Pa gasp.

Emmett (Cont.): I’m a dream whittling jim-dandy and I aim to prove I can dance as well as whittle!

Pa: Well now you go on out there and break yourself off a bigger switch than you were gonna break off before!

Ma: And if you don’t do it this instant, we’ll light that switch on fire and then we’ll beat you with a FIREY SWITCH!

Emmett: No! The switch won’t be firey mama, because there will be no switch at all!

Pa: You know boys, this reminds me of a song my parents used to sing to me whenever I told them I was done chorin’ for the day.

Samuel: How’s it go, Pa?

Pa: Well Samuel, I’ll tell ya.

Ma: You’re a good boy, Samuel. We like you a lot better than that worthless whore-kicked boy sittin’ next to you.

Pa: It goes like this (Sings off-key) “Break yourself off a switch…break it off…break yourself off a switch break it off…break yourself off a switch break it off…break break break break yourself off a switch!” Sure, it’s repetitive, but it sends a message!

*Ma and Pa keep nagging Emmett to go outside.

Emmett: (Over the nagging) Why I even gotta break myself off a new switch. We got old switches in the back!

Ma: Emmett.

Emmett: Yes ma…

Ma: Your father works every day most days, so that we can afford to beat you with new switches. We may not have much, but what we got we got plenty of, and as long as there is a dead tree outside, we are gonna beat you with new switches!

Samuel and Pa: It’s alright, Ma. Come on now, etc.

Ma: Thank you, Samuel. (Stops crying) And only Samuel.

Emmett: Sorry Ma. Ok…you win, I’ll go…break myself off a switch.

*Emmett exits.

Ma: You do that. Samuel, it’s almost dark. What happened to your other brother Freederick?

Samuel: Aw, Freederick’s fishin’ Ma.

Pa: Fishin’?

Samuel: Yes, Pa.

Ma: Samuel, have you looked outside lately? We are in the middle of a dustbowl. The creek has been bone dry since ‘33. What is he fishin’ for?

Samuel: He…he said he’s goin’ fishin’ for tumbleweeds.

Ma: And where is Freederick fishin’ for tumbleweeds?

Samuel: I promised Freederick I would not say.

Pa: Let me ask you this-did you promise him you’d be breakin’ yourself off a switch when you “would not say”?

Samuel: No.

Pa: Then speak up, Samuel! Last chance, boy.

Samuel: He’s…he’s fishin’ for tumbleweeds in Ricketsville.

Ma: In…in Ricketsville? You tell me right now, Samuel. Where is my first born son-that-lived fishin’ for tumbleweeds in Ricketsville?

Samuel: Off…the rickety bridge.

Ma and Pa: The rickety bridge! THE RICKETY BRIDGE!!!

Ma: NOT AGAIN!!!

Pa: If I have told that boy once!

Ma: You told him twice.

Pa: No, I think I only told him the one time…but…you boys are not s’posed to go fishin’ off the rickety bridge. It’s called the rickety bridge. It’s rickety. It’s danglin’ by two damn little curly threads, it’s been set ablaze several times due to the fact that everything around here is basically kindling. IT’S FRIGGIN’ IN RICKETSVILLE!!!

*Emmett re-enters, panicked

Emmett: Ma! Pa! I was out lookin’ for a switch out back so for you can beat with it, on account a I chose an abstrayct concept for my whittlin’ that made ya’ll uncomfortable…

Ma and Pa: (Interrupting) What is it Emmett!? For Christ’s own sake!, etc.

Emmett: I’m tellin’ you, mama! And I saw Jasper Johnson on the other side of the fence, and he told me that he’d just come back from watchin’ Freederick fish for tumbleweeds off the rickety bridge, and he FELL OFF THE RICKETY BRIDGE!!!

Pa: Well shit on a stick! I knew it! Let’s go! Samuel, get my gun!

Ma: We’re gonna shoot him out!

Samuel: Sure thing, Pa!

*Chaos/cross talk ensues.

Samuel: Sweet haystacks on a honeysuckle!

Ma: The rickety bridge took my boy!

Samuel: Pa, if Freederick is dead, can I poke him with a stick to make sure?

Pa: Of course you can, Samuel! You see now THAT’S somethin’ that boys your age do!

*The family exits, their voices get fainter

Emmett: Do I still gotta break myself off a switch?

Ma: Oh, Emmett, you know you’re gonna do somethin’ switchable before supper.

Emmett: You know, Miss Dawson lives in Ricketsville maybe she can help?

Ma and Pa: And there it is!

Pa: Now you gotta break yourself off a thorny switch!

*Emmett sighs

—

“Wicker Toilet Recall”

Weatherman: And with all that pressure building up, it might be a good day to grab an umbrella before you leave the house. Looks like it’s going to be a wet one. Katy, back to you.

Katy: Thanks Tim. In business today, multinational corporation Tyburn Industries announced a major recall on one of its more popular products. One of last year’s hottest Christmas gifts has to go back in the box and return to the north pole. And now we go to Lisa Kinsky…reporting.

LK: (Outside) Thanks Katy. Yes it’s finally happened, Tyburn Industries’ long streak of market dominance was dashed yesterday when the company announced it was recalling its very popular wicker toilet. On the market for more than a year, the company had a hard time keeping the pricey item in stock. Experts say the recall is due to the fact that the toilets were made of wicker, had no internal porcelain, glass, or metal components, and as such are incapable of holding water, let alone human waste. Earlier today we were out in front of Tyburn’s corporate headquarters in Yaphank, Long Island where we caught up with some angry consumers.

Man1: I mean, am I disappointed? Sure. I waited a long time to get my wicker toilet. I ordered it in November thinking I’d be able to surprise my wife with a new toilet for Christmas. They had to put it on back order. Long story short it didn’t end up arriving until February. But I was still fine with that, because you know, Valentine’s Day. But then I install the thing, and it would just leak everywhere. My wife used it, same issue. I even had my neighbors over to use it. Same problem each time. My son went in to use it after his sister. Kid slipped and he broke his elbow. This recall is coming a little late. You never want to have to tell your son he can’t play t-ball because he slipped in his sister’s mess that poured out of a wicker toilet. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Woman 1: Do I think they’re sorry? Absolutely I do not. When I ordered they didn’t even tell me that the Minessota Wicker Worker strike would delay shipment. I had to hear about that on the news. Tyburn has really stepped in it this time. Probably because it leaked out of a wicker toilet!

UGH!

Man 2: I for one never even got to use my wicker toilet. The day we had ours installed my wife and I were headed to the Steamfitter’s Ball…while she was getting ready, she set her curling iron on the toilet to answer a text. Well that would have been fine with a porcelain toilet. But wicker? No sir! It went up like a sparkler on the fourth of July. Took out most of my second floor. So now I’m stuck burying my kid’s turtle. This isn’t right.

LK: Tyburn did release a statement today apologizing for the wicker toilet’s many failings and they’ve pledged to do better. CFO Paul Franklin has resigned his position and will be replaced by another white male who attended “a business school.” But for some out here the apology is too little too late.

Man 3: At my dad’s funeral last week this whole other family showed up. They were like, that’s our dad. Turns out he had a secret double life, three kids with a tall woman named Evelyn. And now on top of that, I’ve got to deal with this toilet recall! I mean come on. Enough is enough.

LK: Tyburn is looking to the future and plans to recall some of their other wicker products.

Sources tell me the next item to be recalled is the Tyburn Wicker Intimate Companion Doll, popularly known as the “Wicker Dicker.” No word yet on when consumers can expect that announcement. From Tyburn Industries’ corporate offices, I’m Lisa Kinsky. Back to you in the studio, Katy.

Katy: Thank you Lisa. Up next, what to do when sky diving leads to sexual harassment. It’s catcalling while free falling–Tom Romano gives us the skinny after these messages.

—

MPS: I’d like to dedicate this episode to things you can’t realistically expect to do while producing a podcast.

Ted: I get it, like I can’t walk into Gillian’s office, slam my badge on her desk and say, “Goddamn it Captain if you won’t let me work the Canarsie Strangler case my way, then you’d better take me off the force.”

MPS: Yup, and I can’t walk into my own living room and say, “Ted here’s the plunger. Please fix what you did.”

Ted: But Mike you say that almost every time we have a meeting.

MPS: Yes, and not having to do that is something I can’t reasonably expect while producing a podcast. With you. Here’s the plunger.

Ted: On it.

—

“Outtakes”

—Dealer Date—

MPS: If drugs are just a sideline you’ve started to make your alimony payments…that’s so specific.

Ted: I know someone who did that, who got themselves all new teeth.

MPS: Well if you’re paid up on the alimony…

Ted: Yeah. Paid up on alimony, the kids turned eighteen…he was like “lemme get rid of these teeth.” Got a whole new grille.

MPS: Alright.

—

—Trains—

OG: In my nineteen years, I’ve never had a worse mistake.

—

OG: That boy is our worst mistake. And as the Lord says, you learn from your mistakes. But I have learned nothing from our son.

—

Ted: I ain’t got skippedy for you, you little toot rattler! I don’t know what that is.

—

—Lines Gillian Doesn’t Want 4—

GPS: Fiona needs to earn her fuckin’ keep around here. I’m not runnin’ a hotel!

—

GPS: I weigh Mike every morning. I never tell him what the scale says. I just tell him I’m disappointed. Then I check his prostate. No, I don’t know what I’m feeling for, but if there’s any change, I’ll catch it.

—

“Credits”

Follow the guys on Instagram @tedandmichaelpodcast. and individually @ted_ogorman and @mpsmithnyc

Mike has a TikTok! It’s @mpsmithnyc, there, too!

For feedback of all kinds, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and stay weird, friends!

—

View Details

—We present more lines that Gillian really (really) does not want to say.

—A dating app is out for a certain illegal industry.

—A family in the dust bowl is as dysfunctional as it gets.

—There’s a recall on a certain kind of impractical toilet.

https://tedandmichael.mischiefmedia.com/
The podcast on Instagram: @tedandmichaelpodcast
Mike on Instagram and TikTok: @mpsmithnyc
Ted on Instagram: @ted_ogorman

View Details

—

MPS: Hello again lovely listeners. Welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith

Ted: And I’m Ted O’Gorman.

MPS: Ted I’m sorry buddy, can you hold on a second. I’m getting a really loud ticking on my end. Can you hear that?

Ted: Yeah, what is that?

MPS: I’ve never had that while we’re recording. Hold on, let me look at my setup here. Mind hanging while I troubleshoot this?

Ted: Yeah no problem. Oh, is it this?

MPS: Yes. I think so. What is that?

Ted: It’s my new watch.

MPS: That is the loudest watch I’ve ever heard. Why would you buy something like that?

Ted: Thanks man, yeah it’s pretty cool. I thought with us doing so well I could afford to treat myself. Actors and athletes all get those really big gaudy diamond watches. They just want everyone to SEE how well they have it. But nobody sees us. So I had the guy at the jewelry store customize this one for me. That way our listeners can HEAR how well we have it. Pretty great right? Hallie loves it so much she makes me put it in a lead lined safe at night. Funny thing though she keeps changing the combination and forgetting to tell me.

MPS: You sound like the goddamn crocodile that swallowed Capt. Hook’s hand and clock.

Ted: Oh, man that’s really sweet of you to say. But enough chit chat. Shall we take this back to one?

MPS: Nope. Too late. Here’s the first sketch.

—

“Celeb Smash Bros. 9”

V.O: And now we present Ted and Michael unlocking hidden celebrity characters in the video game Super Smash Brothers.

*Game V.O: Challengers approach!

Andre: I am Andre the Giant!

MPS: Oh man. Look at his damage meter. That’s not fair.

Ted: Yeah it’s twice as big as mine. I don’t even know how to approach him. He’s so big.

Andre: Come on, you little peanut.

Ted: I…I don’t…

Andre: Come on. Climb up me, and we’ll fight!

MPS: He wants you to run up his leg.

Ted: Which means I probably shouldn’t. Right? Screw it. I gotta try something.

Andre: I’m going to win! I mean, who are we kidding? I always win. I’m like five times the size of a normal man.

Ted: Ok, bad start. Bad start.

Andre: I can hold a helicopter on the ground even when it’s trying to take off!

MPS: We get it, Andre. You’re very strong. You don’t have to keep selling us.

Andre: I caught Robin Wright Penn when she jumped out of a window!

Ted: I can’t eat him. The reason I play as Yoshi is cause he can eat his opponents!

Andre: Yoshi, you look like the frog’s legs that they serve in my native Grenoble, France.

Ted: And now he’s trying to eat me! Shit.

MPS: Keep moving, whatever you do. That’s it. Stick and move. Apollo Creed style.

*Sounds of Ted/Yoshi on the attack.

Andre: I am the dread pirate Roberts. There will be no survivors!

Ted: Well, I’ve pissed him off at least.

Andre: What is this? I cannot believe I am losing. I’m like 20 times the size of you.

MPS: I do think he loses energy if you make him chase you.

Ted: It’s like cardio.

Andre: Ah. I’m losing. Sacre bleu!

Ted: He’s starting to look thinner!

MPS: Is that good or bad? Probably bad. Try eating him again!

Ted: Here we go.

*Game V.O: Game!

Ted and MPS: It worked! Nice!, etc.

MPS: Here, have a bugle.

Ted: Oooh. Don’t mind if I do. You forget about these things.

*Ted crunches on a bugle.

Ted: You forget about these things.

MPS: You do. But they’re the perfect video game snack.

Ted: Very nice.

Andre: I can’t believe it. You beat me!

MPS: It was disturbing that Yoshi had to climb on top of his head and eat him in a downward motion. But…he did it!

Ted: Yeah. I’m a little naus.

MPS: And that’s the largest egg I’ve ever seen.

Andre: Congratulations. You’ve unlocked Andre the Giant!

MPS: Well done, man. You’re rockin’ and rollin’. Want a refill?

Ted: You better park it for now. Look!

JL: I am an antichrist! I am an anarchist!

MPS: It’s the Sex Pistols’ Johnny Rotten.

JL: That’s John Lydon to you.

MPS: Can the game still hear us? It seems like the game can still hear us.

Ted: I don’t know. Shit he’s coming in hard, swinging that mic stand.

JL: Come on, then. Let’s have it.

MPS: Block! Hit back! EAT HIM! SPIN YOUR TAIL FIRST! EAT HIM! SPIN YOUR TAIL FIRST AND THEN EAT HIM. OH, GOD.

*Sounds of Ted/Yoshi on the attack.

JL: You hit like a Nancy…Spungeon that is! No future for youuuuuuuuuuu!

Ted: He’s so pale and wirey. How do you deal with someone so angry?!

MPS: He’s also…sickly. Fights like a guy who’s got nothing to lose.

*Ted mashes buttons

JL: Oh! Give it to me! Once more on the chin, dear lad.

MPS: There you go! That hurt him! Good combo. There’s a reason he’s this late in the game, though. You know? He’s hard to get a hold of.

Ted: He is. It’s almost like he’s covered in vaseline. He’s a slippery guy.

MPS: Yeah. He doesn’t really dance. But he moves.

Ted: And the mismatched flannel is almost like a kind of camouflage that makes him difficult to see.

JL: You’ve ruined my public image limited. Oh! This is not going well. Looks like I’m the one with no future.

*Game V.O: Game!

MPS and Ted: Great job, etc.

JL: Congratulations you’ve unlocked Johnny Rotten. It turns out I’m pretty vacant!

V.O: This has been Ted and Michael unlocking hidden celebrity characters in the video game Super Smash Brothers.

—

“Air B&B&B”

V.O: Hey hardworking adults! Are you and possibly your partner ready for a vacation? Tired of the same boring tropical retreats, or worse, the cultural quests that send you home with nothing but a collectible shot glass and some disgusting blisters? Is the modern hotel experience just too safe and relaxing? What about renting a house? Gross! Texting with a polite stranger when you’re having trouble turning off the smoke alarm? No thank you. Where’s the challenge? Where’s the life experience? The self-knowledge? Introducing Air B&B&B-the first service that invites you to rent someone’s home, as well as their baby! All with just a click of the mouse!

Wife: My partner and I couldn’t wait to try Air B&B&B. We’d been together for a couple years, saved our money, read some top-rated baby books, and even threw a shower so we’d have no shortage of supplies! Our 48-hour stay confirmed what we already knew deep-down. We’re ready to be parents! We left that cute little rental baby even healthier than we got him. We thought it’d be tough to say good-bye, but…nope! Time to make a little version of “us”!

Single woman: I’m a single career woman, and I’m addicted to stress. But my union job with the New York City transit system was so cushy, I could do it in my sleep! So I booked two weeks of paid vacation at an Air B&B&B in the heart of noisy Times Square.

It provided the stress-boost I knew I needed. I barely slept at all! I’d like to give the baby back, but…the owner of the apartment and baby haven’t returned any of my texts. Plus there was no furniture or personal belongings…just a naked baby on the living room floor. Is this mine now? Was this my life all along? WHERE IS EVERYBODY?!

—

Couple 1a: We booked an Air B&B&B because we wanted to go to Mountain Jam 23, and all the hostels were booked up and all the good tents were sold out. We gave the accommodations 4 stars. But, man, that baby was a nightmare.

Couple 1b: Yeah, we missed every band we wanted to see because our rental baby had whooping cough. Our host was an anti-vaxxer, I guess.

Couple 1a: And apparently doesn’t believe in phones. That’s a Bummer. That’s a real bummer.

Couple 1b: Such a bummer

—

V.O: Ready for an extra challenge? Try Air B&B&B Gold: where you’ll have neighbors popping in throughout your stay, and giving unsolicited opinions. Want more? Try Air B&B&B Platinum: where the home entertainment system is set to play nothing but Kidz Bop on the stereo, and Paw Patrol on the TV. There’s even Air B&B&B Platinum Plus: in which the sole bathroom in the apartment is under renovation from a loud contractor and his crew of workers. The noise will keep the baby from napping during the day, but the long walks down the block to take a 2 at PinkBerry will keep you in shape. You’ll be furiously annoyed at the whole thing! It’s Air B&B&B–from Tyburn Industries. And coming soon–Air B&B&T–which includes a sarcastic teenager to defy your every word, refuse to sit at the table, and storm off shouting “I’m not a clone like you!” If you get a goth kid, you get a free night! You’re financially responsible for all allergic reactions, all babies are available for purchase via cryptocurrency.

—

“Smash Mouth 007”

MPS: We’ve got something kind of interesting for all of you out in the pod-verse today. Ted and I have received something once thought destroyed.

Ted: Thought thrown into the audio equivalent of Mount Doom, if you will.

MPS: Mmm…and I will. So, what we’re about to play for you has only been heard by the people who recorded it and a few very unsatisfied studio execs. Sent to us anonymously and mysteriously.

Ted: So bad, this recording was deemed, that anyone who heard it was subject to sign a contract stipulating they never listened to it.

MPS: Ted, you’re a James Bond fan am I correct in saying that?

Ted: Why yes Mike, and You?

MPS: I am.

Ted: Shall we tell the listeners what we have here?

MPS: Ok, first a little background… Listeners, if there are fans of the Bond franchise among you, you certainly know how coveted a Bond theme can be for recording artists. Ted, name some people who have done Bond themes.

Ted: Sir Paul McCartney, Shirley Basey, Tom Jones, Duran Duran, Chris Cornell, A-ha, Madonna…

MPS: The list goes on and on.

Ted: Well it can really only go as high as the number of movies in the James Bond franchise––

MPS: Ok, now you’re splitting hairs. Point is, many revered artists have lent their talents to this famous character’s opening theme song.

Ted: Right.

MPS: Recording artists all over the world submit their best work to the producers hoping that their song will be grand enough to open the next James Bond film.

Ted: That’s how I understand it.

MPS: Now we don’t know what year this submission is from. But If I had to guess, I’d say sometime during Pierce Brosnan’s tenure as 007. Like late 90’s, early 2000’s. And that is again just a guess.

Ted: But this was a real submission to EON productions. The company that holds the film rights to Ian Flemming’s famous character, James Bond.

MPS: Listeners, what we’re about to play for you was a prospective James Bond theme written and performed by American band Smash Mouth. Let’s listen.

*Music kicks in

So, London once told me that M was gonna scold me

I’m a very suave secret agent

I was look’n for some fun with the ladies in the sun

Driving ‘round in my Astin Martin

Well, the bullets start coming and they don’t stop coming

Double oh seven in the car you can’t out run him

Did it make sense not to bring my gun?

I’ll use Q’s toys, they’re so much fun

Women to kiss, bad guys to slay

So what’s wrong if my name starts with a J,

I tell you if you really don’t know

I’m a bad mother-effin’ double 0

Hey now I am James Bond

Get my gun on, go slay

Hey now I am James Bond

Find a Bond girl, get laid

Martinis shaken not stirred

I am so handsome it’s absurd

He’s a villain, and keeps getting bolder

Blofield wont stop ‘til he sees the world smolder

But the terrorists can’t be the winners

Moneypenny knows Agent Bond is no quitter

The girl he loved, was Vesper Lynd

She drowned in Venice because she couldn’t swim

Hey now I am James Bond

Get my gun on, go slay

Hey now I am James Bond

Find a Bond girl, get laid

Martinis shaken not stirred

I am so handsome it’s absurd

Martinis shaken not stirred

I am so handsome it’s absurd

*Fade out on whistling

MPS: Oof. Just even worse than I would have imagined.

Ted: Awful. Even worse than Smash Mouth was normally… which was terrible.

MPS: They didn’t even bother to write a new melody!

Ted: Yeah. Really just phoned it in.

MPS: Crazy.

Ted: But who are we to talk?

MPS: That’s true. Let’s move on to the next sketch. Shall we? I need a q-tip to get that shit out of my ears.

—

“Old Lady Names”

V.O: And now we present, the nighttime roll call at the “Tall skies retirement village.”

Orderly: Alright ladies and…Harold. Hope you all enjoyed your day trip to Woodbury Commons. Just wanna make sure we all got back in one piece, with the obvious exception of Gwendolyn, who we hope makes a speedy recovery. Dottie, stop laughing please. That could have happened to any of you. Yes. Any one of you could slide under an Aquafina machine. Well any of you with Gwendolyn’s bone…malleability. Anyway, time to take attendance.

Let’s start with…Bertha. Hello, Bertha. Dottie, you were laughing before. So you’re obviously here somewhere. Doris…ok. Ethyll? Harold I saw before. Mildred? Mildred. Well, stop talking to Doris, and you’d hear your name. Edith? Edith I need your deposit for your room upgrade. Ok? Can she hear me? Mildred, can you tell Edith what I said? Scream it to her.

Hassie? Hello Hassie. Please cover up. And move away from Harold. Thank you.

Codprod? Codprod? Codprod sit up straight, please. Your osteoporosis isn’t that bad.

And Clitorid. Clitorid? Where is she? Well has anyone seen Clitorid? There you are. I can never find you! Fida? Fida, please stop talking about shepard’s pie. We all know your thoughts on shepard’s pie. We don’t need another dissertation about the restorative benefits of shepherd’s pie! Now please sit down in your chair instead of standing on it. Saul? Saul? Oh right. Saul passed last week while on the toilet. That’s why Harold’s stock has gone up so much. You should thank Saul’s right ventricle for your good fortune, Harold. We both know you’re no Ricardo Mantalban. All you used to get was Saul’s crumbs! Showvitz? Showvitz, stop twerking, Harold’s heart can’t take it. The man’s a hundred and two and he fought in Korea. We owe our veterans more! Have a good evening, everyone. Dinner will be ready soon. Your chicken and vegetables have been boiling since early this morning. Enjoy “Maury.”

V.O: This has been the nighttime roll call at the “Tall skies retirement village.”

—

MPS: Ted, you know what I’d like to dedicate this episode to?

Ted: I do not. Please enlighten me.

MPS: Balloon arches at weddings. Nothing says this isn’t gonna last like an archway made of fucking balloons. Is this a wedding or am I at a pizza party for Natalie’s seventh birthday? Here’s a tip, singles–if you don’t spring for the arbor, they’re saving it for someone they really love.

Ted: Well said. You deserve better. You deserve the arbor.

MPS: Don’t settle.

—

“Outtakes”

—Air B&B&B—

Ted: And can I just ask that you hit “Take a two” a little harder.

GP: Yeah.

Ted: Thank you.

MPS: Really squeeze that two outta ya, there, Geeps. Rock back and forth while you do it.

Ted: Bring more than one mag.

—

—Celeb Smash Bros. 9—

Andre: I cannot believe that you beat me. On the bright side, my penis is still huge!

—

Andre: This is my grunt that happens when I jump!

—

MPS: Ok put yourself in a shell. Put yourself in a shell.

Ted: Alright. Alright.

MPS: Alright. That’s somethin’, but that’s not a long term solution, you know?

—

—Old Lady Names—

Ted: Alright anyway, time to take attendance. Let’s start with…Bertha. Hello Bertha. Thank you, yes. Just raise the stump. That way I know you’re there.

—

MPS: Great. Done!

GP: Kaboom.

—

“Credits”

Follow the guys on Instagram @tedandmichaelpodcast. and individually @ted_ogorman and @mpsmithnyc

Mike has a TikTok! It’s @mpsmithnyc, there, too!

For feedback of all kinds, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and stay weird, friends!

—

View Details

—Ted and Michael unlock new celebrity characters in Super Smash Bros.

—There’s a new home rental app which comes with real life experience.

—Ted and Michael reveal a lost prospective James Bond theme song.

—Roll call at a retirement home is never easy.

https://tedandmichael.mischiefmedia.com/
The podcast on Instagram: @tedandmichaelpodcast
Mike on Instagram and TikTok: @mpsmithnyc
Ted on Instagram: @ted_ogorman

View Details

MPS: Listeners! How the hell are ya? Welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.

MPS: Ted, why don’t you tell the people about our first sketch?

Ted: Sure. This one’s a little different. When we had a livestream to celebrate the release of Season 3 last year, we asked you attendees for a title of a sketch that doesn’t exist yet, and we promised we’d write one for season 4 inspired by that title.

This…is that sketch.

—

“The Day We Invented Cutlery”

Sally: Welcome to another episode of “Creating With Creatives.” In this week’s episode, I’ll be chatting with Ted O’Gorman and Michael Paul Smith. They’re lifelong friends that have written and produced a great many projects, most recently the fourth season of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones.” Hi guys.

T + M: Hey Sally, etc.

Sally: Ted and Michael, what was the very first thing you…created together.

M: That’s a great question, Sally. A lot of people, yourself included, would probably have thought that our first collaboration, way back in high school, would have been a one act play, a short story, maybe even a student film of some kind…

T: But no.

M: It wasn’t.

T: It really wasn’t.

Sally: Well, please guys. My listeners need to know. What was it?

T: Sally, we invented something that changed the world. It didn’t get any laughs, or elicit any tears. We didn’t make a dime off of it, although Christ knows we could have.

M: We made it, and gave it to the people. This…was our…polio vaccine.

Sally: (On the edge of her seat) Incredible…tell us…

T: We were the first people that combined the usage of both knife…and fork. Together.

M: You might say that…we invented cutlery. Boom! What’s good.

T: Right, because that word was not necessary prior to our invention. You wouldn’t have had to say “cutlery.” It was just, knife, fork, spoon. You got one pick and you stuck with it. Fewer dirty dishes, sure. But at what cost, Sally?

M: Then we came along. Couple ‘a kids, sat down at the ‘ol lunch table, and thought…let’s change this whoooooole game.

Sally: You really think that you…I mean, you really invented modern cutlery, huh?

M: Before us, it was unresourceful, chaotic, and downright messy. But you remember those years, Sally, don’t you? When the fat cats that run things told us how to utensil? Those bastards love puttin’ people in boxes. Well we weren’t going into no box.

Sally: I…

M: You’d walk into a restaurant, and they’d present you with a giant bowl of mixed silverware, with a giant bouncer standing over it, glaring at you. And above him was a sign with a skull and crossbones: “ONE PER CUSTOMER.” And you’re thinkin’ “Well, I wanted to start with the chowder, but then a nice medium-well T-bone steak would’ve hit the spot. NOW what do I do? WHAT DO I DO?!

T: Medium-well destroys the flavor of the T-bone.

M: Shut up, Ted. I was…

T: I’m just saying. It’s not respectful of the chef, and the animal, quite frankly. Just move on…

*They argue

M: This is not the point. Drink some cucumber water.

T: You don’t like steak, then!

Sally: And what restaurant are you describing?

M: All of them, keep up, Sally. The point is…we fixed it. Those bouncers are checking id’s at bars now, or roughing up gamblers indebted to the mafia. They’re not policing our…rightful cutlery anymore. And since our innovation, the industry has exploded! Butter knives, forks just for cake and salad, knives just for steak, spoons just for soup! Shrimp has its own fork for Christ’s sake!

T: Now that we don’t have to choose just one, all those specialty dishes are comin’ outta the woodwork.

Sally: Let me just, rewind for a moment here. You’re saying that there was some kind of law that prevented people from using more than one piece of cutlery at a time, up until you met each other in high school?

*T+M laugh

M: Sally, you’re talking like you weren’t there. I mean, we’re about the same age.

T: Mike, she’s doing it for the benefit of her listeners. Act like you’ve done this before!

M: (To Ted) Sorry. Good point.

Sally: I’m afraid that’s just about all the time we have.

M: Time? It’s a podcast. I thought runtimes don’t matter.

Sally: They do. (To the listeners) What you’ve just heard is a…just a bananas, and deadly serious debate between two writing partners. You know what they say about the line between genius and madness. Although having met them in person, and witnessed the debate first hand, I’m certainly leaning in one direction in my opinion of them. Nevertheless, thanks for listening to “Creating with Creatives.” I’m Sally Jennings. And one more thing…

Ted: Sally, thanks again for having us as guests on your podcast. Your mother has a lovely basement. Thanks to all of you at home for listening to the true story of when Mike and I decided to combine the cutting power of a knife and the stabby power of a fork.

MPS: (To Ted) I don’t think she believes you.

Ted: Ummm…I have a degree in history from Queens College, Sally. Yeah that’s right. QUEENS. COLLEGE. Did I stutter?! So, yeah…I think I know what I’m talking about.

Sally: I’m not recording anymore.

T+M: Oh, really, etc.

Sally: Yeah. Sally gets the last word on her own show, guys. So sorry.

T+M: Oh, ok, etc.

M: You didn’t even plug your socials.

Sally: They know them. They just don’t follow you.

M: Oh.

Ted: Ok. We’ll Uber.

—

“Monster Truck PSA 4”

V.O: BROS! Are your biceps made of granite? Does your core look like it was molded after a Greek statue? Well let’s put those muscles to work and HOLD THE DOOOOOOOOR!!! When someone is walking behind you to enter the same building, don’t let the door swing closed in their faces. That’s a move for men with low-gain chest-days. It’s more badass to show how light the door is and HOLD IT OPEN FOR THE PERSON FOLLOWING YOU. Wanna win a gold medal at the “Sick Dude Olympics?” When you’re in the elevator and someone is rushing to catch it HOLD THE DOOR!!! You can stick your arm out and physically hold the door or you can PUSH THE BUTTON WITH AN ICON OF OPEN DOORS! One says strength, the other says intellect! HOLD THE DOOR!!!

—

“Exaggerated Voices”

Becky: Hi Arnold.

Arnold: Hey.

Becky: What’s goin’ on?

Arnold: Nothing. Just looking forward to celebrating another “wet chicken parm sandwich” day here at Frogtown High. Fuck this place.

Becky: Why does the school have to have us at these giant tables so we can’t even avoid sitting with the kids we don’t like?

Arnold: And what’s worse, we are CURSED with having the same four kids we don’t like sit with us at every opportunity!

Becky: I know. They always find each other. It’s like they sniff out other annoying personalities.

Arnold: Oh, they synchronized their schedule. I have no doubt.

Becky: Johnny always walks a little faster than the rest of them, talking to himself.

Arnold: “Gee that lightbulb needs to be replaced (Fake sneezes).

Aristotle was a good philosopher and also a playwright (Fake coughs and slobbers).

Becky: And then Harriett’s right on his heels, talking to no one in particular. (Grating voice) “I wish I could go out this weekend. I have work. Look, it’s raining outside. Gross.”

Arnold: And don’t forget Calvin. “Ohhhh! Lookadis. Chicken parm, they oughta serve this up once a week, Eyyyyyyahooooooo! Get it? BECAUSE THEY DO SERVE IT ONCE A WEEK! BADA BEEP BADDA BAPP, BADDA BOOP!”

Becky: Exactly! He’s always explaining his jokes!

Arnold: And discussing Italian food, yeah.

Becky: And what about Stewart? (English accent) “Has anyone completed the maths assignment? I thought it was pretty easy, myself, then again my mind has always been predisposed to be good with numbers. After All, my ancestor was a navigator for Nelson at Trafalgar.”

Becky: “My doctor says I’m gifted and shan’t need to stay in this wretched institution much longer.”

Arnold: As God is my witness, I’m willing to shit my pants right now to keep them away. Spending the rest of the school day with everyone in this high school knowing I shit my pants in the cafeteria would be better than listening to them for twenty minutes.

Becky: They’re coming. They’re coming.

Arnold: Shit.

Johnny: Arnold. Becky. Good afternoon to you both. Would either of you like a tissue? I keep several packs in my pockets at all times, as I’m sure you are aware. Because we’re best friends.

Arnold and Becky: Hi Johnny.

Calvin: Mind if we sit?

Becky: (Sighs) Sure.

Stewart: I say, these chairs are dreadfully uncomfortable. That’s no way to treat children. I daresay, my uncle had better accommodations when he was captured and sent to Colditz.

Calvin: OH! THIS CHICKEN PARM IS P—-ARMAZING, AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT, BIDDA BEEP BADDA BAPP, BADDA BOOP! BECAUSE THE VOWEL SOUND IN “PARM” IS KINDA LIKE THE VOWEL SOUND “A” IN “AMAZING.” Look at all that mozz!

Johnny: I don’t know. Mine’s a little soggy. (Sneezes) Tutankamen was a pharaoh. (Sneezes and slobbers). The ancient Egyptians invented beer. (Coughs loudly). I don’t know if you’re aware. I read it this morning on my daily fact calendar and I thought it would be an interesting conversation starter.

Stewart: I forgot my crisps. Anyone have an extra bag of crisps? I have surmised through sampling that Lays are the superior crisp to Wise. And why hasn’t the HeadMaster reviewed my request for malt vinegar in the dining hall? We’re children, not RAF officers being held in a stalag. You know my great uncle Reggie flew during the war.

Johnny: I quite agree, Stewart. The Wise potato chips tend to be a little blander (Wheezes and coughs).

Calvin: Oh! Even the name is blander. I’d rather be laid than wise! See that’s a joke about desiring sex over intelligence. OH! Bang! Boom! Bay Ridge! Hey! Oh!

Harriett: This room has a echo. My feet feel swollen. Probably from all the salt. Not from the echo. Echoes don’t swell your feet.

Calvin: This lunch would be better if it was a nice bowl of cacio e pepe! HEYYYYAHOWWWWAHEEEEE.

Stewart: (Laughs) I never know what the devil you’re on about! But I dare say this meal would be finished best with a Cambridge burnt cream! Scrumptious!

Calvin: Hey Joanne! A round of milks for me and my friends. Yeah, you love it.

The bell rings for a fire drill, and the noise swells

Teacher: Children, this is a fire drill. Let’s all file out in an orderly fashion…

Arnold: Oh thank the fuck Christ.

Becky: I wish it wasn’t a drill.

—

“Fraud Kits: My Immediate Supervisor Has Been Embezzling Funds”

V.O: Hi there mid level executive. Your boss really loves taking credit for your hard work, doesn’t he? He closed that big new merger based on your analysis of the deal. The corporate structure is designed to keep you in your current station in life. Yet somehow, he wines and dines his way up the ladder. But what if there was a way to take out your competition? Introducing Tyburn Industries’ “My Immediate Supervisor has been Embezzling Funds” fraud kit. Our patented fraud kit will leave no doubt in the executives’ minds that your supervisor has been using company money to fund a lavish private life. The evidence of embezzlement will be so real that the S.E.C. will use it to sentence your immediate supervisor to 4 to 5 years in a medium security facility and restitution to the tune of $246,000. Now that’s some payback!

Your kit will include documents forged with your supervisor’s signature. A fraudulent set of company books that can’t account for…you guessed it...$246,000. Fake travel receipts attributed to your supervisor’s many business trips. And thanks to Tyburn Industries, many of these trips will appear to lack approval. We’ll also produce email records that show your supervisor was involved in a high end sex ring, thus destroying his home life. So, instead of interactions like this:

Evans: Gail, I need that Rockland memo on my desk by tomorrow morning. I don’t care how late you have to stay to finish it. I’m off to the club.

V.O: You’ll enjoy something a little different.

FBI agent: Hello, are you Gail Johnson? I’m FBI special agent Regina Winters, White Collar Division. We’ve just taken your supervisor, a Mr. James Evans in for questioning. We believe he’s embezzled tens of thousands of dollars from your company. We got an anonymous call and…

Gail: It’s not anonymous anymore. I did it. I made the call. And it goes way north of tens of thousands. Please take a look at this file I’ve been keeping on Mr. Evan’s comings and goings. I think It’s all you’ll need to put that bastard away for a long time.

FBI: Thank you Gail. I’m sure this will be a real help. Here’s my card. If you can think of anything else please don’t hesitate to call. And I’ll be sure to let the board know what you’ve done here. You may have saved this company from becoming Mr. Evan’s personal piggy bank.

Gail: Wait! Agent Winters, please when you get to the pictures from the sex club he was in, think of his family. He’s probably just a sick man who couldn’t control himself, even with a pregnant wife at home.

FBI: That son of a bitch is going to get his ass nailed to the wall.

Gail: Well, whatever you think is best.

V.O: From there, all you’ll have to do is stand behind the one way glass and watch the fireworks…

FBI : Evans, I’ve got enough evidence to put you in prison until you’re 70. Rich white boy like you is gonna be someone’s little puddin’ cup within your first 24 hours inside. Of course, you could just make this easy and cop a plea. I’m feel’n generous today.

Evans: I… please. I didn’t do any of this. I might be an asshole, but I’m not a criminal. And I don’t belong to a sex club. I love my wife.

FBI: DON’T PISS IN MY EAR WITH ALL YOUR BULLSHIT, Your secretary blew the whistle. We’ve got a whole file on you! Lock the door, Garcia.

*Door locks

Evans: Why did the light just go off on the camera? Please don’t hit me. Why are you rolling up your sleeves?

*FBI starts choking Evans

FBI: Whaddaya gotta say now? Huh? WHADDAYA GOTTA SAY NOW!? MAYBE SOMEONE’S GOING TO FEEL REAL GUILTY AND HANG HIMSELF WITH A BEDSHEET LATER TODAY!!!

V.O: Tyburn industries guarantees that in a few short months you’ll laugh as your supervisor changes his plea to guilty in order to reduce his sentence. He’ll also make a tearful apology to everyone he’s alleged to have hurt including his now ex-wife. Then all you have to do is wait for the day at work when the CEO says…

CEO: Gail Gail Gail. We’re damn lucky you were there to spot what was going on. That man is a huckster! That bastard could have ruined us. I’ve known his old man for years. That boy is a disgrace to his mother and father.

Gail: Well, he did it to himself.

CEO: You’re damn right he did. And now we’d like you to fill his vacant position. Please know you’re a valued employee and we believe the sky is the limit for you. You are just the plum pie at the blue ribbon party.

Gail: Thank you, Mr. Peterson. And thank you Fraud Kits! I’m finally a winner!

V.O: Fraud Kits. Buy Before You lie.

—

Ted: This episode goes out to the guy on the subway who needs to listen to his music without earbuds. He just holds his phone up close to the side of his head and blasts his tunes at full volume for all to hear. Thanks man.

MPS: Fuck that guy. And if his parents are still alive, fuck them too. They didn’t raise him right.

Ted: Amen, brother.

—

“Outtakes”

MPS: Fuck that guy. And if his parents are still alive, fuck them too. They didn’t raise him right.

Ted: And then can you say, “And fuck Rush”?

MPS: And fuck Rush, by the way.

Ted: Amen, brother.

Chelsey: I have a giant Rush poster behind me.

Ted: I really have nothing against them, I just thought the Tom Sawyer reference was funny. And if you can work Neil Peart’s name into something, it’s great.

—

—Exaggerated Voices—

MPS: I’m on a slightly new medication. I’m taking an extra Claritin. It seems to be working wonders.

—

MPS: My c-pap machine is due to arrive today. I’m so excited. I’m all ATwitter.

—

MPS: It’s a little soggier now. Tutankhamen was a pharaoh.

—

MPS: This sinus infection that I’ve had for 7 years is nothing compared to the rash on…you fuck! This sinus infection that I’ve had for 7 years is nothing compared to the rash on my bottom. We have to order special medicated lotion from China for that.

—

MPS: The doctor that did my sleep study said he’s never had a patient stop breathing so much and still be alive. My mom says that makes me special.

—

—Fraud Kits: My Immediate Supervisor Has Been Embezzling Funds—

Torpey: We are all just hanging out in Gail’s pigpen watchin’ her eat the hay. We’re not even touching the slop. It is all for Gail.

—

MPS: Here I go again. On my own. Going down the only road I’ve ever known.

Ted: Is the objective to just get as many songs stuck in people’s heads as possible?

MPS: Like a drifter I was born to walk alone, Ted.

Chelsey: I was just about to ask if you were a drifter! You took my moment.

MPS: Sorry, Chelse.

Chelsey: It’s ok. In about twenty minutes, I’ll have…

MPS: Have you made up your mind? Huh?

Chelsey: Been wastin’ so much time.

MPS: There it is!

—

“Credits”

Follow the guys on Instagram @tedandmichaelpodcast. and individually @ted_ogorman and @mpsmithnyc

Mike has a TikTok! It’s @mpsmithnyc, there, too!

For feedback of all kinds, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and stay weird, friends!

—

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—Ted and Michael claim to be altruistic inventors.

—A new PSA is out just for bros who have to walk through doors.

—Two cool kids in the cafeteria discuss some fast-approaching classmates.

—There’s a new Fraud Kit for people who want to climb the corporate ladder!

https://tedandmichael.mischiefmedia.com/
The podcast on Instagram: @tedandmichaelpodcast
Mike on Instagram and TikTok: @mpsmithnyc
Ted on Instagram: @ted_ogorman

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Our end-of-season livestream is TODAY and you don’t want to miss it: sketch readings, special guests, AND we’re going to base a season 4 sketch on your live feedback! See you tonight, May 12, 6pm Eastern at this link! ~*~ Follow us on Twitter for the latest updates and outtakes, and don’t forget to check out...

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Sketch readings, special guests, AND we’re going to base a season 4 sketch on your live feedback… it’s our End of Season Livestream! We’ll see you at May 12, 6pm Eastern at this link! ~*~ Follow us on Twitter for the latest updates and outtakes, and don’t forget to check out our merch on MischiefMerch.com! This...

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Episode Transcript ~~ A classic soda now has zero calories. Prime Minister Winston Churchill plays Candyland. Ted and Michael see a shrink. ~~ Credits: “Diet Rita” Dad: Mike O’Gorman Jimmy: Michael Smith Construction Guy 1: Ted O’Gorman Doctor: Gillian Pensavalle Kid: Eddy Lee Guy 1/Jingle: James Monroe Iglehart Woman 1: Aneesa Folds Max: Nik Walker...

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MPS: Hello listeners, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith. Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman. MPS: You know Ted, sometimes when I ask for your help with something show-related, I look at your slack-jawed vacant expression and I just think you’re the male equivalent of a deviant’s homemade...

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Episode Transcript ~*~ Christopher Walken finally got wind of all the sketches…and he wants revenge. A new Fraud Kit for people that want to look like they do volunteer work. A new episode of the morning show “Top ‘O The Mornin’” brings a guest with a dubious invention. Ted prepares a Christmasey surprise for Michael...

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—Walken Revenge— MPS: Hey listeners. Welcome to Episode 11 of Season 3 of Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. Ted…do you wanna start us off by telling the listeners something about yourself that they don’t already know? Ted: Well, normally the answer to that would be no, on the grounds that I don’t...

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Episode Transcript ~~ A new service combines medicine and lunch. The singing bully is in the library! Classic actor Peter Lorre reads Mad Libs, written by sixth graders. Ted’s using a new phrase that Michael cannot stand. ~~ Credits: “Sandwich MD” V.O.: Nik Walker Patient: Michael Smith Receptionist: Gillian Pensavalle Mr. Fletcher: James Monroe Iglehart...

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MPS: Hello hello, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith. Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman. Listeners, I’ve found an irregular mole. The kind of mole you worry about. The kind of mole that makes you see a specialist. As many of you know I’m fair skinned and growing up...

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MPS: Brave listeners of the internet, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith. Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman. MPS: Ted, do you have a favorite soap scent? Like, I’m partial to lilac, but lately I’ve been pretty heavy into pomegranate. And I’ll tell ya-it’s done wonders for my...

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Episode Transcript ~~ Comedian Stephen Wright performs as a baby. “Sandals Paradise” is back, with another really specific hotel offering! We present more “Things You Should Never Ever Say on a First Date…or Probably Ever.” Comedian Stephen Wright performs as an 11-year-old. A guy fills his resume with truths. ~~ “Young Stephen Wright 1” Stephen...

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Episode Transcript

~*~

The show transforms into the style of “Martin and Lewis.”

Michael reveals his admiration for Zac Efron.

There’s a new home DNA test, with a basketball legend at the helm.

~*~

Credits:

“Martin and Lewis 1”

Vampire: Ted O’Gorman

Michael Smith, Gillian Pensavalle

V.O.: Patrick McCartney

Woman: Hallie O’Gorman

Leonardo: Andrew Bancroft

“Zac Efron”

Ted O’Gorman, Michael Smith, Gillian Pensavalle

“Martin and Lewis 2”

Vampire: Ted O’Gorman

Michael Smith, Gillian Pensavalle

V.O.: Patrick McCartney

Woman: Hallie O’Gorman

Leonardo: Andrew Bancroft

“33 + Me”

Larry Bird/Icelandic Guy: Ted O’Gorman

Guy: Michael Smith

Woman: Gillian Pensavalle

“Martin and Lewis 3”

Vampire: Ted O’Gorman

Michael Smith, Gillian Pensavalle

V.O.: Patrick McCartney

Woman: Hallie O’Gorman

Leonardo: Andrew Bancroft

~*~

This show was produced by Jenson Neal, Gillian Pensavalle, Michael Smith, and Mischief Media. It was edited and sound engineered by Audio Muses.

Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones is a member of the Mischief Media network.

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MPS: Hello everyone, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman. Mike, did you ever wonder what it would be like if we were doing this comedy show in 1950? You know, it’s just after the second world war. The Korean conflict was right around the corner. America is feeling great. Every room is a smoke filled room and every dame has bourbon on her lips…

MPS: You’ve been thinking about this for a long time, haven’t you?

Ted: My friend, it’s all I can think about. Listeners, we present Ted and Michael as they would have been enjoyed in the year of our lord nineteen hundred and fifty!

—

—Martin and Lewis 1—

V.O: (Echoey) It’s the O’Gorman and Smith comedy hour, sponsored by Westerfield unfiltered cigarettes. For a smooth, rebellious flavor, look to the Wild Wild Westerfield. And now here they are, your hosts, the Maris and Mantle of sketch comedy, Ted O’Gorman and Michael Paul Smith!

*Mike instantly falls over.

MPS: Oh boy! Somebody tied my shoelaces together. Ted, did you do this?

Ted: Kid, I was too busy sparking this Westerfield to bother with your laces. Now that is a smooth and mellow smoke. Exactly what my doctor said I needed. Thanks, doc. And thank you Westerfield for a great American tobacco product that would make Uncle Sam grin. Gee, if I’d had smokes like this during the war we could have beat back those Germans in half the time!

MPS: Oyyyyy! Gillian? Did you tie my laces together?

*Audience applauds as Gillian enters

GPS: Oh Mike, the only shoes I know about have high heels. And the only thing I’m interested in tying is the knot… preferably with a rich, handsome doctor. After all, I’m just a secretary!

Ted: Come on Mikey, get yourself together.

MPS: Aright. Hey Ted. I’m hungry. What are you having for dinner tonight?

Ted: Well Mikey, I’m glad you asked.

*Ted goes into a sponsored song.

Meatloaf and potatoes

meatloaf and potatoes

When my lady’s feeling lazy

And things are getting crazy

It’s meatloaf and potatoes

On my plate!

And when I think meatloaf, I think Harson’s. If my Mrs. doesn’t buy Harson’s frozen foods she’ll be going back to her maiden name faster than you can crash a car into a communist. Mikey boy, pour me half a tumbler of the amber solution and keep the ice light.

MPS: Right away, Ted!

*Mike breaks a bottle in his haste to pour the drink quickly. Ice clanks around in a glass.

MPS: I’m all thumbs as usual! Hahahaha. Thank you, thank you. Gillian, hey you want a drink? Ted’s having his 3 o’clock eye opener!

GPS: Well I’d hate to force a gent to drink alone. I’ll take a gibson. And like Ted says to every woman walking past him, don’t forget to shake it!

MPS: You got it Miss Gillian! One gibson coming up.

Ted: So, Gillian, what’s the good word these days? Any prospects going? What are the fellas doing to put a rock on that finger?

*Ted’s second song is an Italian-style ballad.

A woman needs a man

A good hard working man

Who comes home when he pleases

Who’s pain she eazes

He’s in charge

Don’t ask him where he’s been

Gillian: Oh, you know boys will be boys. They’re only interested in one thing.

Ted: Really, what’s that?

MPS: How would she know she’s just a secretary! Here’s your gibson, Gillian. I hope you like extra Jelly Beans. Or should I call them, Jilly Beans!

GPS: Mike, you’re incorrigible. Say Ted, I don’t suppose you could spare a Westerfield for a dame in need of a little relaxation.

Ted: If relaxing is the goal then Westerfield’s the way to go. Help yourself. I’ve got cartons of Westerfield’s on hand at all times. Smoking a Westerfield is like driving the coast road with the top down. Pure heaven in your lungs.

GPS: You said it.

MPS: Heeeeey Gillian, you want I should get you a fruit rollup? Some folks like a fruit rollup with their cigarette!

GPS: No Mike. I don’t want a fruit rollup with my cigarette. But I do think I need to powder my nose.

*Gillian excuses herself.

MPS: Oh my oh my! Ted, I’m head over heels for that girl! She’s the most beautiful dame I ever seen. I need your advice. You get girls all the time. How can I get her to go steady with me?

Ted: Pump the breaks there, pally. You’re speeding along like Patton to Berlin. A woman like Gillian needs to be wined and dined. Take your time.

MPS: Ok Ted. But you’ve got to help me out. You always say you’ve had more humps than a herd of camels. I need you to teach me the ways of… of… the woman. I mean, I’m dyin’ here! She’s the star in my sky. Can you help me, Ted? Women are like puddy in your hands, and me…I’m all thumbs as usual!

Ted: You’re a good guy, Mike. But a woman like Gillian is a Cadillac and I think you’re still riding a Schwinn. Maybe sit a couple plays out.

MPS: No! It’s gotta be her. It’s just gotta be! Don’t you guys watching at home think that Gillian and I would be great together? I’d really treat her like a prized filly!

Ted: Alright Mike. Let me see if I can help you out. Let me call a favor in.

*Rotary phone dials

Ted: (Cont.) Leonardo, how the hell are you? Oh, I’m fine. Yes, yes. Say fella, I’d like a table tonight for my friend Mike. The one by the large fig tree. Well I don’t care where you need to move Ronnie Reagan. He’s a two bit hack of an actor and I once shit on his lawn. Good. That will be fine. And I’d like champagne on the table when Mike and his date arrive. Alright, then. Thanks Leonardo.

*Hangs up phone

Ted (Cont.) Ok, Mikey, the eyetalians will do their part, and this one will help you seal the deal.

MPS: But what if she says no?

Ted: That’s easy. Just tell her her job depends on it! She is just a secretary after all. Here’s how it’ll work. I’ll hide behind the fig tree near the table. Then when you arrive, just say what I say. You’ll be in like Flynn for the win!

*Transition music

Ted: We better take a break, here. Time to pay some bills, folks.

—

—Zac Efron—

MPS: And we got two new Twitter followers this week, so…that’s it for old business. I guess we can move on to new business. Ted you had spoken last week about a sketch you wanted to do. I believe the title was “Queen Elizabeth II can’t stop farting.” I don’t have anything else here in my notes for that particular sketch. Can you give us the broad strokes?

Ted: Ummmmm It’s pretty much just as it sounds. It’s the queen of England…

MPS: Yes. I got that part.

Ted: And she can’t stop farting.

MPS: Ahhhh, I see, right. So the joke here is that a woman of her national importance and regal demeanor has flatulence. Unstoppable flatulence.

Ted: That’s pretty much it. Ummmmm, can we talk about the giant poster of a shirtless Zac Efron you’ve hung in your apartment? I feel it’s weird that we haven’t mentioned that. It seems like something that requires a little bit of an explanation.

MPS: Yes of course. Ted, meet my new lifesize poster of world treasure and matinee idol, Zac Efron. I thought it’s mere presence would be self-explanatory. But apparently not. Having that in the apartment just frankly forces me to up my game. Look at how the sweat on his pecs glisten in the sunlight. You can’t photoshop that. That photographer really knew what he was doing. Mmmmmmm.

Ted: How exactly does a…

MPS: Mmmmm.

Ted: Sorry.

Ted: How does a giant poster of Zac Efron do that? Make you up your game?

MPS: Well, when I wake up in the morning and pour myself a cup of coffee I stand directly in front of that beautiful body. A physical form so perfect it’s as if he was sculpted from Gibraltar itself. And as I think of what my day might bring, I ask myself, W.W.Z.E.D. What would Zac Efron do? And do you know what the answer to that question invariably is, Ted? Think really hard. What would Zac Efron do? Do you know?

Ted: I honestly don’t.

MPS: He’d sparkle, Ted. The man sparkles. He’s the human equivalent of a disco ball.

So I challenge myself everyday to be more like Zac Efron. I want to light the world with my smile. I want my hips to power a high school musical. Three of them, in fact! I need to climb the Everest that is Zachary David Alexander Efron. If I can achieve even a fraction of that man’s natural charisma I will conquer the world. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted. So when it comes to the Zac man, you can either Efron…

or Eff-the-fuck-off. What will you choose to do, you silly little ginger gum drop?

Ted: I don’t know. In fact I didn’t know you were this into Zac Efron.

MPS: I’m not into Zac Efron, Ted. Zac Efron is within us. You just need to let him shine. Let your inner Zac Efron out. Be the man you see in that poster.

GPS: (From another room) Hey Mike?

MPS: Yes darling?

GPS: Remember when we had that little talk about how creepy it is when you talk about Zac Efron and wanting to harness his sparkle?

MPS: Vaguely.

GPS: It’s still super creepy. You need to not do that so much, ok? I let you put the poster up. That was supposed to be the compromise, remember? Compromise? Remember how you cried? First, tears of desperation, and then they were happy tears? Remember?

MPS: She doesn’t quite get it. But she will. Oh yes she will.

Ted: I’m going to leave now.

MPS: You know if you squint just right, it’s like he’s licking his lips.

Ted: Ok. I’ll see you next week. Don’t call me before then, ok? Thanks bud!

MPS: Even his portrayal of Ted Bundy was infectiously disarming. If that was really Ted Bundy, and I was on that jury, he’d be free as a bird!

*Door closes. MPS moans softly to himself.

Gillian: Ted! Can I go with you?

*Door closes again.

MPS: What’s that Zac? You’re right. I guess there’s no reason why we can’t both be shirtless.

—

—Martin and Lewis 2—

V.O: Today’s Westerfeld Comedy Hour isn’t just a slippery situation for Ted and Michael. Because today’s episode is also sponsored by Hermolev: soap for women. If used regularly, it virtually guarantees you won’t find yourself the only twenty five year old in your town without a husband and several children. Wash that old maid right off of your face to reveal the healthy, fertile woman you are, with Hermolev soap.

Woman: I thought my adult years were destined for the conventional workplace. Thanks to Hermolev, I found Harold. And we’re already looking for a house in the country!

V.O: Hermolev: Soap for women who at least want to make an effort.

Leonardo: Here is your-a table a Mistera Smith. Just as-a Signore O’Gorman requested. And the champagne is a-compliments of a-the house. Enjoy.

MPS: Thanks Leonardo. I can see why Ted likes this joint. You guys are real classy! Oh, let me get your chair Gillian.

GPS: A bottle of bubbly wine. What’s the occasion Mike?

MPS: Well you’ve been working so hard at the office I thought you deserved a nice meal.

GPS: Well, I’ll be darned Mike. Who knew you two rascals paid attention to your secretary?

Ted: Pssst. Tell her she looks lovely.

MPS: Ahh! Who’s there?!

Ted: It’s me, pal. Just keep your eyes front.

MPS: Oh! It’s you! I get it now!

Gillian: Everything alright? What do you mean, “it’s me.”

MPS: I mean…I mean…uhhhhh. Oh boy…

Ted: You mean it’s her that should get all the credit for the success of our show.

MPS: I mean it’s her that should get all the credit for the success of our show.

Gillian: Her who?

MPS and Ted: YOU!

MPS: You, uh…just you.

Gillian: Well thanks. That’s awful nice of ya.

Ted: Gee Gillian you sure do look lovely tonight.

MPS: Gee Gillian you sure do look lovely tonight.

GPS: Thanks Mike, you’re a sweet kid. I only wish Ted noticed me.

MPS: You mean, you…you like Ted like that?

GPS: Sure. Who wouldn’t? What a dreamboat!

MPS: Oh, I see.

*Audience: “Awwwww”

Ted: Well Ted’s a terrific guy!

MPS: Well Ted notices lots of women. Sometimes two at a time.

Ted: Well, Ted’s a terrific guy! Say it!

MPS: There was one time I walked into the office and this woman had him bent over the desk and she had something stuck all the way in his you know where.

Ted: She was a nurse! It was a thermometer. I thought I had malaria. Different topic! Different topic!

Gillian: Really? You don’t say. What in the world…?

MPS: Ummmm, anyway he’s real smooth with the ladies.

GPS: I’ll say. It’s a lucky girl that gets to hand him his slippers at the end of the day.

MPS: Wow, I didn’t know you felt so much for him. But I guess it makes sense, lots of women like Ted. There was one time I came into the office and Ted was dressed in a diaper and this woman was smacking his bottom…

Ted: That’s not true! What are you telling her?! You better watch what you say if you know what’s good for you, pally.

MPS: Ooooh…um…so what looks good?

GPS: I think I’ll start with a glass of this champagne.

MPS: Please allow me! (*Champagne sprays Gillian) Oh no! I’m all thumbs, as usual!

GPS: It’s fine Mike. I’ll just take a quick trip to the little girls room to dry off. If the waiter comes by, start me with a caesar salad.

*GPS exits

Ted: Are you trying to blow this thing? Just say what I tell you to say. And stop talking about times you walked in on me when I was entertaining women. Just keep it smooth.

MPS: Ted, I’m so nervous! I’ve got butterflies in my belly. My palms are sweaty. You wanna feel? Feel ‘em! I don’t know what to do. She’s the prettiest gal I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Ted: I’ll walk you through this. I know how to talk to the dames. Look sharp. She’s coming back!

MPS: My throat is so dry!

Ted: We’ll be back after these words. Don’t go anywhere.

—

—33 + Me—

Woman: I always wondered what makes me who I am. Is it nature? Is it nurture? Maybe it’s a combination of both. I never thought I’d find out all the answers. But then I heard about 33 & Me; a unique service that decoded my ancestry and conclusively answered the most important question of all: am I related to Larry Bird?

LB: Hi, I’m NBA Hall of Famer Larry Bird. 33 & Me is a groundbreaking genealogical test that allows you to know if you share any DNA with me, number thirty-three, Larry Bird. Get the answers to questions you’ve always asked yourself: am I related to the only forward in NBA history to win three MVPs in consecutive years? Do I have a Dream Teamer in my family tree? Did my relative’s rivalry with Magic Johnson reignite fan interest in basketball in the 1980s and bring television viewership of the game to new heights? Questions like these and so many more can only be answered by 33 & Me.

Guy: I swabbed my cheek, sent in my sample and waited 2 weeks to find out if I’m related to Larry Legend. The results couldn’t come soon enough.

Woman: I’m a long time Larry Bird fan and the thought of having him among my relatives was too good to pass up. I’d finally have something on my neighbor, Barbara. Her cousin once slept with one of The Beastie Boys and she never shuts up about it.

Icelandic guy: When I arrived in Boston someone told me about 33 & Me. They say, “Magnus you’re tall and blonde. You should take 33 & Me.” I didn’t understand what the test was at the time. When they started mocking me for being an Icelandic immigrant, I give in and took the test. I don’t have many friends here.

LB: With 33 & Me you’ll find out if your fiery competitive streak is a family trait you share with me, the Hick from French Lick. Maybe you’ve excelled at sports your entire life or couldn’t understand why your jump shot came so naturally. Or maybe you just have a creepy little blonde mustache. Whatever the reason, 33 & Me compares your DNA with mine and then scientists… do some science stuff and tell you if we’re related. If we are, tell your friends you’ve got a 3 time NBA champ in the family. Trust me, they’ll be impressed.

Guy: I found out that I have quote, “almost no DNA shared with 12 time NBA All Star Larry Bird.” Unquote. “Almost none.” I see what you did there, 33 & Me. Larry, I guess I’ll see you at the next family reunion. My kids are going to be so psyched when I tell them on their next supervised visit. I’d say 33 & Me is a real swish!

Woman: It turns out I don’t have any shared DNA with Larry Bird. But Chris Mullen is maybe a cousin or something. I don’t know. I threw out the paper as soon as I saw Chris Mullen’s name. Ugh… I feel like I need a shower. Chris fucking Mullen…seriously?

Icelandic Guy: As I suspected I don’t share any DNA with Larry Bird. To be honest I didn’t know when I submitted my application what was a Larry Bird. I’m not a basketball fan. Also, I know for a fact I’m 100% Icelandic. So this was a waste of $800. Welcome to America, Magnus. Olafur told you this would happen.

LB: Send for your testing kit today and get the answers you’ve been searching for. And for a limited time, each package of results will come with an autographed picture of me that I printed at home on my Epson Stylus, and stamped with my signature. I’m number 33, Larry Bird. Welcome to the family… maybe.

—

—Martin and Lewis 3—

Ted: Now here she comes. Remember, just repeat what I say to Gillian, and you’ll be tops!

MPS: Right, boy-o. I’ll do my level best.

GPS: This woman in the bathroom looked just like Audrey Meadows! I couldn’t believe it wasn’t her. I made her show me identification, or it was “TO THE MOON!” She didn’t appreciate the threat. Her name turned out to be Lois. Say, mind if I have a Westerfield?

MPS: By all means.

Ted: You know Ted isn’t seeing anyone at the moment.

MPS: You know Ted isn’t seeing anyone at the moment.

GPS: Is that a fact, cracker jack?

Ted: He’s a really great guy and very sensual.

MPS: He’s a really great guy and very sensual. What!? Why would I say that?

GPS: You ok there, Mike?

Ted: Oh, Ted’s a swell guy!

MPS: Oh, Ted’s a swell guy!

Ted: You should go out with him tomorrow.

MPS: You should…hey wait a minute.

*Stomping sound

MPS: OW!

Gillian: What? What?

MPS: I mean…oh! You should…go out with him tomorrow?

Gillian: You really think he’d ask me?

Ted: Oh, I guarantee it.

MPS: Oh, I guarantee it.

Ted: What time are you gonna be home?

MPS: What time are you gonna be home?

Gillian: What kind of question is that?

MPS: I…(turns around) yeah, what kind of question IS that?

Ted: Turn around.

MPS: What? I can’t here ya!

Ted: TURN AROUND.

MPS: But what’s the big idea? I thought you were supposed to be helping me!

Ted: Just turn around and repeat what I say.

MPS: Hey, that’s it bub! Even I have my limits!

*They struggle. The table flips,

Leonardo: My table!

Ted: I oughta bust you right in the nose.

MPS: You can’t hit me, when you’re always looking at three of me, you boozer!

*They struggle more, the tree falls,

Leonardo: My fig tree!

MPS: I got spaghetti on my head!

Leonardo: I made it out of Italy with that tree under my arm while the a-fascists were right up a-my asshole!

Gillian: Ted?

MPS: We’re awful sorry, Mr. Nostra. It’s just that Ted was supposed to help me talk to this pretty girl, here, ya see? Instead, he drove me right over a cliff.

Leonardo: Signore Ted is a good and handsome man. He come into a-my place every week, he spend a lot of a-money, and he never a-complain. He always should getta the girl, and you gotta shit for brains! This is what a-happens!

*He pours champagne on MPS

MPS: Gee, I never had champagne poured on me, before. I feel like the ‘55 Dodgers after they won the series!

Gillian: Ted, did you really hear all that? I’m so embarrassed.

Ted: Why don’t be, Gillian. Sorry for the cloak and dagger. Hey Leonardo, is it too late to have you fire up a steak pizzaiola for two? Mike here was just leaving.

MPS: You were supposed to be my friend! And now Gillian will never date me! She must think I’m a buffoon! Gillian, I’m sorry. I wanted tonight to be special. But I ruined it.

Ted: Go easy on yourself there, kid.

GPS: Yeah, Mikey it’s going to be ok. Truth be told I thought you were a buffoon before tonight. And there’s just no way I’d date you. You’ve got that annoying high pitched voice. And look at Ted, he looks like he just stepped out of a brill cream ad.

MPS: Oh man… just my luck.

GPS: Nonsense Mike. I’ve got just the girl for you. My friend Beth is perfect for you. She has psoriasis and her scalp peels constantly. How about I hire her as your personal secretary!? Then, you can use your position as her male superior to make her fall in love with you!

MPS: That sounds like a romance for the ages!

Ted: What say we have a Westerfield to celebrate Mike’s good fortune!

MPS/GPS: Yeah!

Ted: Boy that tobacco sure is smooth. Just like a Wisconsin sunrise.

Gillian: Like James Dean with the ladies.

MPS: Like Frankenstein’s monster with the townspeople.

Ted and Gillian: Huh?

MPS: Sorry. I’m all thumbs as usual!

*Audience erupts

Gillian: Ted, after steak pizzaiola, would you accompany me home? I think you might be…running a temperature.

Ted: Why yes of course. Better safe than sorry!

Ted: (Singing) Somewhere there’s a someone for everyone,

Somewhere there’s a someone for me

MPS: And so I’ll search my whole life through, until I find somebody like dis… oops! I’m all thumbs!

Ted and Gillian: For I know some-a-where a-there’s a-someone…

ALL: For me

V.O: This has been the Westerfeld Comedy Hour starring Ted O’Gorman, Michael Paul Smith, and featuring Gillian Pensavalle, and Giuseppe Manicotti as Leonardo. Special thanks to Hermolev soap for making this episode possible. And next week, Michael inherits a house…in Transylvania.

MPS: Ted, I’m scared! I think that caretaker that showed us in is still here!

Ted: Don’t be silly, pally. We saw him drive away.

MPS: But something flew in that window!

Ted: Here, have a swig from my hip flask. You’re just a little ornery.

Vampire: Did someone say “eerie”?

Ted and MPS: AH! IT’S THE CARETAKER!

Vampire: And if you offered me a Westerfeld, I wouldn’t…bat an eye!

V.O: That’s next week, on the Westerfeld Comedy Hour with Ted O’Gorman and Michael Paul Smith.

—

Ted: This episode goes out to women everywhere. Thanks for almost never being the serial killers, rapists, dictators, drug kingpins, or generally horrible people that have screwed up the world for generations. Mike and I fully support you leading the way from here on out, because women are great. They’re better than men. They just are.

Gillian: MOST women.

Ted: What’s that, Geeps?

Gillian: Oh, I’m just refining your very kind words to “MOST” women, as some women are terrible. I’ve met some of them. Just…trust me. Some of them are just… they’re real bad.

MPS: Wow.

Ted: Yeah, you heard it here. Our female representative has scaled back our feminist dedication.

Gillian: Hey, what is it that we do here? We keep it real, that’s what. Boom.

MPS: Seems like you’re getting bro-ier by the second.

Gillian: Hey hug it out, bitch. Let’s watch Spike TV. Does that still exist?

MPS: Huh.

—

—Outtakes—

“Zac Efrom”

Ted: Are you making yummy sounds?

MPS: Mmmmmm…Pretty much. That’s “moans softly to himself.” How did you imagine it?

Ted: I don’t know. But I love it.

—

Ted: That Vanessa Hudgens is full of some shit.

MPS: That Vanessa Hudgens is full of some shit. (Laughs) It’s full of SOME shit, I love.

—

MPS: I look at you, Zac. And I know exactly what you’re telling me. You’re sayin’ “You got this, MPS. Bet on it.” You’re sayin’ “You gotta get your head in the game.” And I’m saying “I am and it is. Zac”

Ted: Mike, this might be my favorite thing you’ve ever done.

—

MPS: Keep calm and Ef-ron.

—

MPS: When it comes to Efrons. There’s Zac and only Zac. There is no Nora.

Ted: Mike that’s…that’s your Hamlet.

—

“Martin and Lewis”

MPS: I’m just gonna punch this line up a little bit. “If my misses doesn’t buy Harson’s frozen dinners, she’ll be going by her maiden name…before you can say…” Before you can say…get back to the supermarket. How’s that sound?

Ted: How ‘bout “Before you can crash a car into a communist”? Before you can crash a car into a communist!

MPS: Yup. That’ll work. I’m glad we stopped.

—

Ted: You’re nailin’ it.

MPS: Oh thanks, pal. I’m annoyed at myself.

Ted: That’s how you know you’re doing Jerry Lewis right.

MPS: Yeah I find myself…I’ve never found myself more annoying.

—

MPS: Ted I’m so noyvis! I got butterflies in my belly! My palms are sweaty! My knees are weak! My arms are heavy! There’s vomit on my sweater already! Oh, it’s mom’s spaghetti. That’s not Leonardo’s. I’m noyvis but on the surface I look calm and ready to drop bombs! But I keep on forgetting these words that I wrote down. They grow so loud. When I practice I open my mouth but the words won’t come out. I’m chokin’ now everybody’s…everybody’s laughin’. Time’s up! Over! Blow! Sorry. Snap back to reality. Oops, there goes gravity. Ah! I’m all thumbs as usual!

—

MPS: Fascists right on my asshole!

Ted: Fascists right on my asshole! That’s the line of the night. “Fascists right on a-my ass-a-hole!” Line of the fuckin’ night. Fascists right on my asshole.

Jelly: Rolls off the tongue.

—

“33 & Me”

Ted: I’ve yet to write a single sketch where I go, “You know what? That’s smart.”

—

MPS: And when you say Chris Mullen, think Woody Allen.

GP: Oh, gross. Is that-is he on par?

MPS: No but…

Ted: Not at all.

GP: Oh.

Ted: He’s actually by all rights, a very lovely guy.

GP: He’s a lovely guy, right! Sure sure sure sure sure. But to me, he’s Woody Allen. Got it. Understood.

MPS: Yes.

—

“Credits”

“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because this is a comedy podcast, friends. We’re not tied to the page. In addition to our hosts; Ted and Michael, this season features the voice talents of Andrew Bancroft-aka Jelly Donut, Aneesa Folds, James Monroe Iglehart, C. Julian Jimenez, Eddy Lee, Patrick McCartney, Janice McIntyre, Hallie O’Gorman, Mike O’Gorman, Emmanuel Polycarpe, April Sickler, Nik Walker, and me: Gillian Pensavalle. I’m also the executive producer. Season 3 of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” was recorded, edited, sound designed, and mixed by the badass team at Audio Muses: India Hooi and Ameeta Ganatra. This season was produced in association with our friends over at Mischief Media, as well as co-producer Jenson Parker Neal. Original music for “Ted and Michael” Season 3 composed by India Hooi. You can find full credits, plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review us on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest since it’s just us here, Ted and Michael need a lot of reassurance, and it would just make my life so much easier. Thanks. Follow the guys on Twitter @tedandmichael, individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and hey–stay weird, friends!

View Details

MPS: Hello listeners, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I. Am Ted O’Gorman. Mike, were you on the third season of “Succession”?

MPS: Aww, jeeze. No. No. It must’ve been someone that looks like me. Couldn’t have been me. Sounds like a cool guy, though. Thanks for asking.

Ted: Yeah, I figured. I mean, that show is GREAT. Not really…up your alley. Someone mentioned it to me that they might have seen you on it. But I knew it was bullshit.

MPS: Who mentioned it?

Ted: Just Diane Macafee from High School.

MPS: Diane?! THE Diane Macafee!?

Ted: Yeah. I guess she felt too shy to ask you directly. I’ll tell her it was just a rumor.

MPS: But the thing is…it’s not a rumor. I was on it.

Ted: Nice try, Mikey. Don’t worry. Your time will come. Don’t take credit for someone

else’s work though. Ok? That’s not cool, bud.

MPS: I’m not! I was just being fake humble a minute ago. I thought that was obvious!

Ted: Sure, Mike. Whatever you say. Let’s just roll the first sketch.

MPS: Season 3, Episode 3! I had a scene with Kendall! I was even on several “Next time on” promos! Diane! DIANE! Is it too late for me to be friends with one of the cool kids!? COME ON!!! IMDB IT!!!

—

—Australian Bad News: 1—

V.O: And now we present Australians delivering bad news.

Australian guy: G’day Gwennie, haven’t seen you in a while. Hope all is well. Just calling to let you know that I was recently diagnosed with chlamydia so you may want to have your doc pop the hood and have a look around. Alright, cheers. Hope your day is tops! Hope to see you at the pub real soon.

Australian gal: I was hunting in the bush and mistook my cousin for a hog deer! He’s dead and I’m under inquIry for murder!

Australian guy: Hey guys uh, not sure I can make it to the Men at Work Concert. I slipped on some poo and my shinbone is poking out of my leg. Isn’t that topsy turvy?! My inside parts are on the outside. Go figure! Does them good to get a bit of fresh air!

Australian gal: Well the results of your bowel biopsy came back. High five, mate, we’ve never seen cancer this aggressive. Beauty!

Australian Guy: Fran! Are you there? I pulled my back out doing a tim tam slam. I don’t know how I did it. Are you there? Fran? Fran, if you’re there, please pick up. Fran? Why don’t you have a mobile? This is…inefficient.

V.O: This has been Australians delivering bad news.

—

—Inner City—

MPS: Ted, did you re-write your bio for the website?

Ted: Yeah, I put something together. You know I hate these things, though.

MPS: Yeah, me too. I kept mine nice and short. But you know Gillian…she’s been on us about it.

Ted: Ok. Me too. I kept mine pretty tight. You wanna hear it?

MPS: Please. G, Ted finally wrote his new bio. You wanna hear it?

G: Sure.

Ted: Ok. Ted O’Gorman is a writer, actor, producer. He loves music, but hates singing in public. He lives in Queens with his wife Hallie and enjoys a good Scotch almost as much as he enjoys writing with his main man Michael Paul Smith. Ted’s best kept secret is that he cried watching every single Bridget Jones movie. Every. Single. One. She’s just looking for love…

MPS: I like it. You worked in a little tongue-in-cheek lightness to it. I hope.

G: Very nice. That’s all we need. Maybe ditch that last part…?

Ted: If you insist.

MPS: Cool. Can we add that to the site this week, G?

G: Yup. I’ll get it up there.

Ted: Sounds good.

MPS: So what do you wanna work on first? I got a few ideas.

Ted: Oh, tututututut. I don’t get to hear yours?

MPS: Oh! I didn’t realize you wanted to. Mine’s like really straightforward.

Ted: I’d like to, yeah. We’re doing this now. Gillian, have you heard Mike’s?

G: No. But we’re here. Might as well.

MPS: Hey, you got it. Ask and ye shall. (Reads) Michael Paul Smith is an actor, writer, producer based in New York. He lives and works in the inner city with his wife, Gillian, and is the proud co-host of the popular comedy podcast “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones.” Most of the writing for the podcast takes place in Michael and his wife Gillian Pensavalle’s inner city apartment.

G: Wait.

MPS: He also…oh. I wasn’t done.

G: I know. Why do you keep referring to our neighborhood as the “inner city”?

MPS: What’s wrong with that?

Ted: I think technically to be in the “outer city” you have to have a view of one of the rivers. So by that logic you’d be considered inner city. Mike does that sound right? Am I missing something here?

MPS: No. That’s exactly right. We’re inside the city. Inner city. May I go on?

GPS: Uh-huh.

MPS: Most of the recording for the podcast also takes place in Michael and his wife Gillian Pensavalle’s apartment, located in the inner city…

GPS: It just really doesn’t sit right with me.

MPS: Well let’s go over it shall we?

Ted: I love it when you guys fight and I’m not the cause.

MPS: Shhh.

GPS: Ted, this would be a good time to stop talking.

Ted: Right oh.

MPS: Alright, I changed the wording.

GPS: Thank you.

MPS: How does this sound? (Reads) Most of the recording for the podcast also takes place in the slum in which Michael and his wife Gillian Pensavalle reside. The sketches are largely slum-conceived, slum-written, and slum-recorded.

GPS: Why? No! It’s not a slum, either. There’s a Whole Foods like two blocks away!

MPS: The floors are slanted, there’s garbage piled up on the street…

GPS: It’s on the curb, cause it gets picked up today.

MPS: One time we had ants…

GPS: Everyone has bugs in their apartment once in a while. It just happens. It’s New York!

MPS: It happens in slums…

GPS: (Sighs) Continue.

MPS: I’m just saying. This place is also tiny. We have one closet.

GPS: It’s…yeah, the closet thing is an issue. And yes, the floors are slanted. But you have to be careful how you say things.

MPS: Sorry, G. I’m sure you’re right. It seems life in the inner city has turned me into a bit of a ruffian.

GPS: STOP IT. Just stop it, please.

Ted: Yeah Mike. No need to go off. You used to be much more refined.

MPS: You think so?

Ted: Delicate, even. Until you were swallowed whole by the inner city… in this terrible slum.

MPS: Thank you.

GPS: SHUT IT.

MPS: I will NOT!

GPS: YOU NEED TO RE-WRITE THIS ENTIRE THING! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but BE MORE LIKE TED!!!

*G exits and door slams

MPS: He also appears on “The Hamilcast”, and records all his self-tape auditions in the inner-city slum in which he and Gillian reside! Proud spouses, showrunners, and slum-livers both. You can find Michael on Twitter and Instagram @mpsmithnyc!

Ted: I like it, man. But don’t tell her I said that.

GPS: I’m still here!!!

Ted: Oh. I thought you were far enough away that you couldn’t…

MPS: (Interrupting) Exactly my point! Slum.

GPS: UGH!

—

—Bedtime Corsages—

Man: Hey babe…(no answer) babe…hey babe.

Woman: Shhh. Please. I’m sleeping.

Man: Come on, baby. Don’t go to bed angry.

Woman: It seems like that’s all I ever do these days, thanks to you.

Man: But I just wanted to…nevermind.

Woman: Just shut up and go to bed.

Man: Jeeze.

V.O: Hey bro’s, are you tired of your potential newest sidechick turning out to be a mere one night stand? Are you sick of your devoted girlfriends and “baby mommas” insisting that you man-up and propose? Nah. Well Tyburn Industries just may have a solution for them all. Bro. Class up your evenings with Tyburn Industries’ new Bedtime Corsages. Impress your one night stands with a lovely post coital token and convince them you’re relationship material. Placate your girlfriend with a non-engagement ring gesture of romance, for just a fraction of the price.

Man: Hey babe…babe…hey babe.

Woman: Shhh. Please. I’m sleeping.

Man: Just a sec. I just need a second.

*Light turns on

Woman: Come on! Please! Turn it off!

Man: But I just wanted to give you…this.

Woman: Oh my God.

Man: Hang on…

Woman: Oh my GOD!

Man: Allow me.

Woman: Of course.

Man: It looks like…exactly what you deserve.

Woman: Awww! I knew all my friends and family were wrong about you.

Man: Goddamn right, they were.

*They start making out.

V.O: It’s the fuckin’ bedtime corsage: Cause all of this shit is like high school anyway. By Tyburn Industries. Your express train to placation station. And coming soon: Just for fun Bedtime tophats, monocles, and pocketwatches! Tyburn Industries-helpful products for horrible people. Wait, who’s the horrible…hey, what the fuck??

—

—Celeb Smash Bros. 7—

V.O: And now we present, Ted and Michael unlocking more hidden celebrity characters in the video game Super Smash Brothers.

*Game V.O: Challengers approach!

Dora: Hola! Soy Dora!

MPS: Oh, wow!

Ted: I love Dora!

MPS: You know, I’ve been working on my Spanish.

Ted: Me too!

Dora: Vamos, hombre. Put ‘em up!

Ted: Isn’t she adorable?

MPS: Totally. You can see why she’s so popular!

Dora: I’ll have your huevos in a sling!

MPS: What did she say?

Dora: This is my friend, backpack!

Ted: Fuuuuck! That just took half my life.

MPS: That thing was like a boomerang!

Ted: This Dora is not. Fucking. Around. Good thing neither am I.

Dora: I’m losing! Soy nervioso!

MPS: (Repeating) Soy nervioso.

Dora: Oh! No bueno!

MPS: (Repeating) No bueno.

Dora: No me diga!

MPS: (Repeating) No me diga.

Ted: Stop doing that.

MPS: Ok, sorry. Just thought I’d get a couple reps in.

Dora: Socorro! We did it!

Ted: She keeps stomping on my tail!

MPS: I saw that. It’s so fast.

Dora: Boots, we’re losing! Come mierda!

MPS: Oh. She’s pissed. She’s cursing.

Ted: Whoa. I’ve never seen her angry before. Her whole face changes, man. That is like a different person.

MPS: She’s like a, like a Chucky doll, like in the movie, when the mom…

Ted: Ahh! Shit! She’s biting me! She’s biting me!

MPS: It’s cause she’s almost done! It’s gotta be.

*Game V.O: Game!

Ted and MPS: Yes! That was close! Etc.

Dora: We lost! Hijo e puto!

Ted: She was one of the toughest opponents we’ve had here.

MPS: That was the closest we’ve come…

Ted: Who’d have thought that a two foot child was gonna be so vicious.

MPS: Yeah. Two hits with the boomerang backpack, and you could’ve been out of it.

Ted: Man.

Dora: Felicidades! You’ve unlocked Dora the Explorer! Come on, stay with us!

MPS: No-can-do, Dora. Cause we’ve got ourselves a date with…

*Game V.O: Challengers approach!

Ewan: Ha! It’s me! Ewan McGregor!

MPS: Holy shit.

Ted: Yeah. I feel…starstruck. I love this guy.

Ewan: Be careful. You’re about to get a Moulin bruise.

*Ted and MPS laugh for a while.

Ted: Moulin bruise. That’s good. I like that.

MPS: That was clever.

Ewan: Come on. Stop being a wanker. I can’t believe I’m losing. I’m Obi Wan-fucking Kenobi!

MPS: Don’t let him run up that hill.

Ted: I’m trying! I’m trying, I’m looking at it. I’m watching.

MPS: You gotta cut him off.

Ewan: Ha! I have the higher ground! Haha! I’m Ewan McGregor, and I just put you to Dr. Sleep.

*Ted mashes the buttons

Ted: Wake up, Yoshi. Wake up!

Ewan: Argh! Wanker! Well the joke’s on you. Cause I’ve brought backup.

Carlyle: You’ve unlocked Scotland’s own Robert Carlyle. Oh, the wee player got blasted! No player leaves here ‘til we found out what player did it!

Ted: Oh shit, you know Begbee’s a brawler.

MPS: He gives so few fucks that he just came out and broke the fourth wall. What’s in that crate?

Ted: Oh, good. It’s Guinness. That’ll keep him busy.

MPS: Dodged a…headbutt on that one.

Ted: Who knows for how long, though.

Ewan: You’re winning. Well there are last hits, and then there are last hits. What sort is this to be?

MPS: I say go for broke, man. Hit him with the super dragon!

*Game V.O: Game!

Ted: It worked!

MPS: I cannot believe how good my advice is!

Ewan: Ah. You’ve beaten me, What a shyte state of affairs.

Ewan: Congratulations. You’ve unlocked Scotland’s favorite son-Ewan McGregor.

Ted: Alright, let’s head to the store. I need some uh…some Mountain Dew.

V.O: This has been Ted and Michael unlocking more hidden celebrity characters in the video game Super Smash Brothers.

—

—Casper Mirage—

CM: Citizens of the world, it’s time for another edition of “Listening to Magic” with your host Casper Mirage. I’m Casper Mirage. And I am renowned for being the world’s number one radio magician. Today I’m with the cast and crew of Ted and Michael Read Sketches into Microphones. Shall we start with a card trick?

Ted, MPS, and GPS: Yeah/sounds good/great, etc.

CM: Gillian please pick a card.

GPS: Ok.

CM: And please put the card back in the deck. Thank you. Gillian, do you love your husband?

GPS: Yes of course!

CM: Please kiss your husband Michael.

MPS: Gimmie the good stuff babe!

GPS: Ok…

*They kiss

MPS: What the fuck! There’s a playing card in my goddamn mouth!

CM: And what is the card, Michael?

MPS: It’s covered in phlegm. So fucking gross. This thing was really deep in the…ugh. This is not sanitary.

CM: Michael. What is the card?

MPS: It’s a 7 of clubs.

CM: Gillian, what card did you select?

GPS: A 7 of clubs… Mike, your mouth is full of paper cuts. How long was that in there?

MPS: I’ve got no earthly idea. How would I know? I think we’re good, Casper. This is a bit much…

Ted: Mike, that was a really cool trick. That must have been in there for like days or something. Or maybe even a week. So neat!

CM: Yes, Ted. It was neat. What an amazingly expressive vocabulary you have, Ted.

Ted: Thanks!

MPS: I’m kinda pissed, man. I think it’s really time for you to leave.

CM: Well, Mike, it’s quite obvious you’re pissed. In fact you’re covered in it!

MPS: Ahhh! What the fuck! I’m covered in piss. How did you get me to piss my pants!

Ted: Amazing! He made Mike pee his pants!

GPS: Oh no, Mike’s finally become incontinent. I thought we had more time.

CM: Worry not Gillian, this was simply magic!

MPS: This must be water. This is like, still kinda clever, but… (Sniffs) Nope that is genuine human urine. Disgusting. What the…?

CM: What you’re listening to, folks, is genuine magic on display.

MPS: You’ve got some nerve there, pal. First you cut the shit out of my mouth with a playing card and then you cover my pants with piss.

CM: Oh piss posh, Michael. I’m so sorry. Allow me to help with your mouth. When was the last time you saw a dentist?

MPS: About a month ago.

CM: And did you get a clean bill of health?

MPS: She said my teeth were in great shape. Why? What’s the deal?

CM: I assume she didn’t tell you that your molars needed to be removed?

MPS: What? Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Ted: Wowy!

GPS: Hey Mike, your mouth is bleeding!

MPS: He just ripped out my molars with magic!

GPS: Mike that’s insane, that’s not possible.

CM: Well if it wasn’t magic, what’s this in my palm?

Ted: He’s got a palm full of teeth!

MPS: It hurts so much. But that is pretty fuckin’ amazing. Why couldn’t you give me some magic anesthesia?

CM: Michael, I’m a magician. Not a board-certified anesthesiologist.

MPS: Did I, like do something to you, man? What is this?

GPS: Ted, put the teeth in a plastic baggie and help me get Mike to the hospital. Casper no more magic! Please and thank you. That was amazing.

Ted: You got it Gillian! Nice job Casper! Really cool to meet you. Let’s hang soon.

MPS: I would like very much to never see you again. I’m going to have to explain to an oral surgeon why I’m covered in urine! So thank you very much for the show!

Ted: Mike, just tell him you pissed yourself when your teeth were forcibly torn from your jaw. He’ll buy that. Bye Casper.

MPS: Thank you, Ted. Everyone’s got great advice for me!

CM: Michael, don’t go punching yourself in the testicles.

*MPS does exactly that.

MPS: Fuck you, man!

CM: And with that I leave. Good day!

*A small explosion is heard

GPS: Did he just disappear in a cloud of smoke?

Ted: Damn right, he did. Class act. What a pro. Alright Mikey, let’s get you to a doctor. Did he seem taller than me? I think he was taller than me.

MPS: Shut up! No more talking!

GPS: Ok Mike, we’re gonna get you right to the hospital. I hope you enjoyed your birthday.

—

—Australian Bad News: 2—

V.O: We now return to Australians delivering bad news.

Australian guy: There, there little one. You were right. Your Granny was still in the house when it caught fire. Sorry we didn’t listen to ya. Crikey, we adults should trust kids more! That’s what I…will say from now on.

Australian gal: Wacky thing, just found a piece of a kid in ya fender. Guess you should have ubered home last night after the fourth round of King of the Pack Footy!

Australian Guy: Snugglepot! I’m home! I’ve just come from the doctor. He says my wiggly-dinga is like Nicole Kidman in the Baz Luhrmann film “Australia.” It still looks good, but it promises never again to put on such a stiff performance! By the way, what is that enticing smell? Is that Coqueau Vin? It smells like Coqueau Vin. Lemme take my shoes off and I’ll be right in to give you a “Hin” with the Coqueau Vin. Alright. Be right in.

Australian gal: Sheila was true blue. You could tell by the way she would drink a stubby. So appropriate she died lighting fireworks on Australia day. The only way she would have wanted to go.

V.O: This has been Australians delivering bad news.

—

MPS: This episode goes out to the mafia. Congrats on your nationwide post-9/11 resurgence! When the feds have other priorities, whadda you do? You pick yourselves up, dust yourselves off, and re-group. La Cosa Nostra, you’re an inspiration to us all. And thanks for keeping all the cigar lounges open, and the Sinatra impersonators in well-paying gigs.

Ted: Ottimo lavoro ragazzi.

—

—Outtakes—

“Casper Mirage”

MPS: First you cut the shit out of my mouth with a playing card and then you cover my piss with pants. Then you cover my pants with piss, I mean.

Ted: Oh piss posh, Michael.

—

Ted: I’ll be on my way, Michael. But don’t go…punching yourself in the testicles.

MPS: Why would I…OH!

Ted: Magic!

MPS: Oh, you fuck! You fucker!

Ted: And with that, I leave you. Ta.

—

MPS: It’s like instant herpes. It’s like insta-herp.

—

MPS: THAT WAS NOT NECESSARY AT ALL! YOU FUCKER!!! OH YOU FUCKER!!! FUCK YOU, MAN! (Breaks character) That was a little “40 Year Old Virgin.” The waxing scene.

—

“Celeb Smash Bros. 7”

Aneesa: We lost! Carrajo!

—

Aneesa: We lost! Ay conio!

—

“Bedtime Corsages”

Ted: Yeah would you mind doing one where just to kinda accent it a little bit more, just kinda talk like outta the side of your mouth…

Jelly: Aww, yeah.

Ted: Like this side’s too cool to make sounds, so you just fuckin’ talk right over here.

Jelly: Yeah, the ladies wouldn’t be able to…

Ted: And like really get slow with it at certain points. You know what i’m sayin’? These are bedtime corsages.

Jelly: Shit. Yeah they are. They’re more like over here. Yeah.

—

MPS: I think “I Hope You Dance” was our prom song. Don’t ask me why I remember that.

Ted: Wow.

—

Jelly: Tyburn Industries-helpful products for horrible people. Hey I’m not horrible…ah, yeah. Fuck.

—

“Australian Bad News”

Jelly: I was recently diagnosed with chlamydia. Itchy! So you may want to have your doc pop the hood and have a look around a little bit. Sniff around that piece. Alright, cheers. Hope your day is top as a wombat.

Ted: “Sniff around that piece.”

Jelly: That’s…really disturbing. That came out.

Ted: But it was delivered with great positivity.

—

Jelly: Oh, and he’s kinda yelling, and she doesn’t have a mobile. So is this, is this like a tape answering machine, or is he like yelling out the window?

MPS: I pictured it as an old school tape answering machine.

Jelly: That’s what I figured.

MPS: But now I have to hear it as you yelling out the window like Ralph Kramden at least once. “Norton!”

Jelly: Exactly.

—

Jelly: It still looks good, but it promises never again to put on such a stiff performance! My dick’s broken! Me woggly dongo’s broken! Doesn’t matter how much you blow on this didgeridoo, ain’t workin’ anymore. No more tunes for tooney.

MPS: I love it. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I don’t think you were fully clear on “wiggly dinga.”

Jelly: Yup. Yup. I think you’re right.

MPS: So…let’s just enunciate that as best we can.

Jelly: Yeah. Wiggly dinga!

Ted: This is so stupid!

MPS: I can’t believe that that’s my note. I love it.

Jelly: Yeah. I love it.

—

Jelly: He says my wiggly-dinga is like Nicole Kidman in the Baz Luhrmann film “Australia.” It still looks good, but it promises never again to put on such a stiff performance! It’s as if a dingo ate my boner. It’s as if a wallaby hopped off with my tasmanian devil. It’s like a kangaroo pounced on my joey. I’m running out of animals that are specifically located in Australia.

—

Ted: You’re right. It’s “coqueau van.” It has to be. It has to be “van.”

MPS: That’s a shout out to Geeps, and anyone that loves Mad Men. Cause whenever Don comes home, it’s all Meghan’s ever cooking.

GP: It’s the only thing she can make when she wants to be…”I’m gonna stuff you with coqueau vin” when she wants to like, attract him.

—

“Celebrity Smash Bros. 7”

Ted: That was maybe the best advice you’ve ever given.

MPS: Thanks.

Ted: Wow.

MPS: I also told you to propose to Hallie, but…ok. I guess this is up there. In the ranks.

Ted: I mean I was probably gonna do the proposal anyway, but this one I wouldn’t have known.

MPS: That’s true.

Ted: This is higher up.

MPS: Yeah. In terms of…

Ted: This was more…but you are not to tell Hallie I said that.

MPS: No problem.

—

Ted: Alright, let’s go to the store. I need some Mountain Dew.

MPS: You’re out already? I bought you like twelve of them.

Ted: Yeah. Yeah now they’re filled with pee in the corner over there. Cause I drank them all and then peed into the bottles so I wouldn’t have to run to the restroom.

MPS: You peed into cans?! Do you know how dangerous that is!?

Ted: Yeah, yup. You can just slice the tip very easily.

MPS: Ugh.

Ted: Yup. But that’s what Krazy Glue is for.

MPS: UGH!

Ted: Alright, let’s go to the store. And this time we’re getting bottles, because I’ve done a number on myself.

MPS: Jesus.

—

Ted: Hey Mike, on this one can you, um…teach me how to act? That would be helpful.

MPS: You’re doin’ great, pally.

Ted: Yeah. Sure.

—

“Credits”

View Details

Episode Transcript

Australians deliver bad news.

Gillian helps Ted and Michael with their website bios.

There’s a new impulse item to class up your bedtime.

Ted and Michael unlock more hidden celebrity characters in Super Smash Brothers.

Gillian, Michael, and Ted get a visit from a “radio magician.”

~*~

Credits:

“Australian Bad News: 1”

V.O.: Michael Smith

Guy: Ted O’Gorman, Andrew Bancroft, Mike O’Gorman

Gal: India Hooi

“Inner City”

Ted O’Gorman, Michael Smith, Gillian Pensavalle

“Bedtime Corsages”

V.O.: Andrew Bancroft

Man: Ted O’Gorman

Woman: Janice McIntyre

“Celeb Smash Bros. 7”

V.O.: Ameeta Ganatra, Ted O’Gorman, Michael Smith

Various Impressions: Michael O’Gorman

Dora the Explorer: Aneesa Folds

“Casper Mirage”

Ted/Casper: Ted O’Gorman

Michael Smith, Gillian Pensavalle

“Australian Bad News: 2”

V.O.: Michael Smith

Guy: Ted O’Gorman, Andrew Bancroft, Mike O’Gorman

Gal: India Hooi

~*~

This show was produced by Jenson Neal, Gillian Pensavalle, Michael Smith, and Mischief Media. It was edited and sound engineered by Audio Muses.

Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones is a member of the Mischief Media network.

View Details

MPS: Hello hello, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.

MPS: Ted.

Ted: Mike.

MPS: Time for some more inappropriate things.

Ted: Even by our standards.

MPS: Yup. Roll it.

—

—Things You Should Never Say 5—

V.O: And now we present: things you should never ever say on a first date. Or probably ever.

Woman 1: Well I figure if a rabbit’s foot is supposed to be lucky, I figure a camel’s hoof has to be five or six times as good.

Man: My dream job? Two words. Lighthouse sheriff.

Woman: So I absconded with the drug dealer’s fortune and I have a penchant for running my mouth. What could go wrong!?

Man: I think Tim Allen is very funny.

Guy: I speak parseltongue. But everyone can tell I’m from New York. I’ve got that, uh…that bite.

Woman: What do I look for in a relationship? Power. Specifically wielding all of the power.

Woman 1: What’s the weirdest dick you’ve ever seen while peeing at a urinal? I’ll go first. So I don’t know what happened to this person. But picture like a cartoon exploding cigar…

Prepper: I think doomsday preppers are stupid. I’m an interrogation prepper. I’ve been injecting myself with sodium pentathol to build up my tolerance since I was 16. I’ve also pulled out all my fingernails. Where are you putting your olive pits? There should be a dish. I’m Yelp-ing this. They just totally lost a star.

Guy: You ever smell something in your apartment and think, “No it can’t be. Mother’s been dead for years!”

Crotch Woman: I once shared myself with a wolf and her cubs. She couldn’t make milk, so I nursed them. I’m still considered part of their pack.

Prepper: I’ve also hung myself upside down more than a few times, but who hasn’t, you know? Check out this morse code game (*starts banging and slashing morse code on the table with silverware). Notice I’m not even breaking eye contact. Booyah! What’d I say? Time’s up. I said “Help me.”

Woman 1: My living room is a ballpit. So if you wanna get some of this tonight, you’re gonna have to climb in my window.

Prepper: I also waterboard myself after every meal. Excuse me. This was delicious, by the way. Can I borrow your napkin?

Man: (Somber) She was so old and it wasn’t going well. And eventually we made the decision to turn off the machines and she just drifted off peacefully. Might have been more impactful if we knew who she was. We scurried out before the nurse came back.

V.O: This has been: things you should never ever say on a first date. Or probably ever.

—

—Shower With Mike 7—

V.O. Alright listeners, it’s that time again. Lay back in your favorite chair and light some candles. It’s time to shower with Mike.

Mike: Is it me, or is it a little too quiet in here? I mean…it feels like you don’t actually say anything at all. You…you’re still not. It’s fine. Let’s…you wanna sing? This is a shower after all. After which I’m going to make you a meal of veggie dumplings and waffles. People say they don’t go together, but that’s where people are wrong. Syrup and soy sauce, a fucking marriage made in heaven. But first, we sing.

*Mike fakes his way through “Be-Bop-Aluba”

Mike: Do you know this one? Can you guess what the title of the song is? It’s basically this. You know, you can join me anytime. You just come in on the “Op Aluba.”

*Wilguins knocks on the door

Wilguins: Michael! Mike!

Mike: Oh no. It’s Wilguins. My super. He’s always up to no good.

Wilguins: Michael I keep getting complaints from your neighbors about loud singing coming from here. What’s wrong about you? And why your apartment always smell like a waffle house crossed with bad chinese food? That’s not ok, man. Think of what you’re doing to your body! Think of your insides! Ok?

Mike: I always just wait him out. So, just…shh. Shouldn’t be too hard for you. We just had that discussion. Want to help me scrub my keister? I’ve been a dirty boy.

Wilguins: If you just closed your bathroom door, then the sound wouldn’t travel through the front door, and go all the way through the building. No one wants to hear that, man. And who showers at 1 in the afternoon? You don’t work? You don’t have no job? And don’t ask that girl to clean your bounda ou. You’re lucky to have someone in there with you!

Mike: I always just make sure to whisper when he’s doing this. I mean, I would if… this is the first time I’ve ever had…someone to whisper to in here. Promise.

Wilguins: I hear you in there, whispering! Alright man. I’m going. I have to be at another building. Please stop being such a weird guy. And open a damn window when you cook chinese food and waffles. It stinks up the hallway!

Mike: Whew. Where were we? Let’s choose a new tune. Shall we?

*He starts singing “Rose In Spanish Harlem.”

Wilguins: MIKE!

Mike: AHH!

Wilguins: I’m still here, man! I knew you’d start up again when you thought I left!

Mike: Shit. Pass the loofa. Let’s get cracking. That wasn’t a joke about scrubbing my keister. And yes-that pun was intended.

Wilguins: MIKE!

Mike: AHH!

V.O: This has been another installment of “Shower With Mike.”

—

—OG Challenges Ted—

MPS: So this is nice, huh guys? Nice to have us all back in the same room again.

OG: Yeah. Thanks for having me.

MPS: No problem, Mikey boy. I know Ted, Geeps, and I all feel that when the four of us are together, good things happen. You know?

GPS: Definitely. I mean, I’m not a writer of course. But I can say confidently that the quality of material from the 3 of you is fresher, more inventive, and funnier.

OG: That’s really nice of you to say, Geeps. Cause I have a lot of ideas here in the ‘ol notebook. I just thought…

*Ted sigh-grunts

MPS: Ted, do you wanna say something?

Ted: No, I agree. It’s always great when my older brother pops in. And I’m thrilled to hear that my good friends think that the show with my name on it is better. When my older brother writes it.

MPS: Great! So we’re all in agreement. Mike O’Gorman. In the flesh. Whaddaya got for us?

OG: Ok. Here goes. Here goes! First out of the gate. I call this one “Things you should never say during a marriage proposal.” It would be things like: “You’re the only one I want to put it in,” or “Have you always had that mole?,” or “I want to marry you because you have a terminal disease but great life insurance. Do me a solid.” Stuff like that.

MPS: I love it. Wow. Easy enough to write and all we’ll need are some extra voice actors to give us some variety. Perfect.

GPS: Brilliant. OG, do you ever not hit it out of the park?

Ted: Hey, other OG here. Ummm, does anyone else think this comes a little close to our recurring sketch “Things you shouldn’t say on a first date or probably ever?” You know because both ideas just revolve around a bunch of people on a romantic date, saying completely inappropriate things?

MPS: I’m not following, champ.

GPS: Yeah, I have to say, Ted, I think you need to pay closer attention. The sketch your brother just pitched us is “Things you shouldn’t say during a marriage proposal.” Totally different. OG, I’m really sorry. I thought Ted was listening. Though not surprised.

Ted: I was listen… I just… Uhhhh. My apologies, I’ll try and keep an open mind. Maybe they’re different enough to make it work. What else do you have Mike?

OG: Sorry I didn’t realize this would stir the pot so much. Maybe this next one will be something you’ll like, Ted. Here goes. Idea number 2; we take Christoph Waltz and make him into a crazy guy who is obsessed with, and has even kidnapped an actor, I was thinking Colin Hanks. That gives us a link for me to use a Tom Hanks impression I’ve been working on. Plus I’d obviously play Christoph Waltz. Mike, could you play Colin Hanks?

MPS: Yes. Mike, can you…oh, I’ve been meaning to ask you this–can you play a cinnabon flavored Yankee Candle? Because you’re on fire. And you really do smell great.

GPS: You’re a little Rumplestilskin spinning comedy gold! Even if you weren’t so handsome, which obviously you are, you’d still have to fight suitors off with a stick with comedic acumen like this. Too funny. You know, I almost want to save this one for something bigger than the podcast. You know?

Ted: Guys, I’m really sorry. As funny as that idea is, I think it comes suspiciously close to Werner Herzog and Steve Zahn. It’s an Austrian-German actor and director who goes insane and kidnaps a beloved character actor. That’s our original sketch, just recast! Is nobody seeing this? Also a reference to Tom Hanks? It’s Werner and Zahn all over again!

OG: I’m so sorry I’m not familiar. Ok, I’m a little embarrassed to say I don’t often get to listen to the show.

GPS: Haha! Mike, nobody expects you to listen to a podcast. We know you’re very busy.

MPS: Yeah, Mike I don’t exactly expect you to take the scone out of your mouth and tell the studio executive you’re brunching with that you need to take 15 minutes to listen to your little brother’s podcast. That’ll be the day!

OG: Yeah. Can you imagine? Anyway, if you guys are cool with it, I have two more ideas I’d like to run by you.

MPS: Let ‘em rip!

GPS: Can’t wait.

Ted: Oh joy, another idea. I can’t wait…

OG: And away we go. The next one is a bit of a stretch but would be easy to produce because it’s all one take. I do, ready, a fifteen minute standup set. And that’s the whole episode. Topical stuff, politics, travel, maybe some impressions – you know how great I am at those, etc. We could bill it as a special!

MPS: Let me stop you there. Cut. Print. Love it!

GPS: One voice, one take, no sound effects. Just some canned laughter so the audience knows where the punchline is. Mike, baby, you are an editor’s dream!

Ted: Again I hate to be the one to disagree, but the show is called “Ted & Michael Read Sketches into Microphones.” Not only is that not a sketch but the eponymous Ted & Michael are nowhere to be found.

OG: Well if that’s the issue, I’ll do all the standup with MPS. Smothers Brothers-style!

MPS: Problem solved.

GPS: Sounds great!

Ted: Thanks for offering to take over an entire episode with just you and Michael. Even though I am your actual brother. But it’s a completely different format than what we do here.

MPS and GPS: You’re way off there/Are you kidding?/ What’s your problem?/ Get a grip you moron!/ I never liked you! Ted, you’ve always been lucky to be here, etc.

OG: Guys, guys, let’s settle down. Ted, I understand not every pitch is going to grab everybody. I just thought maybe Mike would like to do an episode with someone with, you know…actual TV credits. And…you know, we’d see where you go from there.

Ted: Where I go? Where am I going? Where am I going?

OG: I didn’t say where you go, I said “Where it goes.” We’ll see where it goes…

Ted: You absolutely did not.

OG: You know what? I have one more idea that maybe you’ll like.

MPS: I for one am all ears.

GPS: Can’t wait. Ted, do you want to shoot this one down before your older brother even has a chance to speak? You know what, don’t answer that. Sorry, OG, the floor is yours.

OG: This one is also a special format. We go live and we interview celebrities and take calls and play pranks and things with people. Michael can be like my “voice of reason” partner in the booth and Gillian can be the engineer that we call in to do bits and stuff. Oh! And we can take calls…

Ted: Nope! That’s just talk radio. That’s literally the format of Howard Stern.

OG: These are just ideas, Ted. You know, there’s something that Danny McBride always liked to say on the set of Vice Principals. Are you guys…do you know about…have you heard of…

MPS and GPS: Of course/We love him/We love that show/You were fantastic in it, etc.

OG: Oh, good. He always used to say… This is something that Jimmy Fallon would frequently remind me of as well, when I wrote for and appeared on his…have you ever seen…?

MPS and GPS: Of course/So good/, etc.

Ted: Jesus Christ.

OG: Yeah, Jimmy would say this a lot. It’s similar to something that Amy Schumer always said on set. I was on “Inside Amy Schumer” as well. Have you guys ever…

MPS and GPS: Of course/So good/, etc.

OG: Yeah she would say this, too. (*Flick sound) Ow. Ted did you just flick me?

Ted: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

OG: Well it felt like (*Flick sound)…That smarts. You just did it again.

Ted: No I didn’t. (*Flick sound)

OG: Ok. Ok. I just watched you do it that time.

Ted: I’m not flicking you. I’m just offering different ideas. (*Flick sound)

OG: I see what’s happening here. I see what’s happening here. (*Flick sound) DON’T. Flick me again. Ted, I’m in such better shape than you, it’s ridiculous.

Ted: Fine I won’t flick you anymore. (*Slap sound)

OG: Ohhh…really? I’m an actor! The face!?

*Scuffle ensues

Ted: Why can’t you just let me have this?! Oh no, you’ve gotta be the favorite here, just like with Mom and dad!

OG: Your Werner Herzog needs work!

Ted: How dare you!

OG: I also sing and play guitar!

MPS: Hey G, should we do something?

GPS: No, this seems like a family matter.

MPS: Can we please go?

GPS: Absolutely.

*The scuffle continues.

OG: I was just on HBO’s Perry Mason! AP Bio, much!?

Ted: Stop shouting your credits!!!

—

—Suspicion Cologne—

V.O.: We all know that a jealous and insecure woman is a pliable woman. If your lady thinks she’s got competition you’ll see a side of her you didn’t know about. She’ll bend over backwards to please you. Introducing the new fragrance: “Suspicion.” Go home after work and kiss your beautiful wife. She’ll smell a scent that she knows you’d simply never wear. She’ll think to herself:

Woman: Didn’t Brian’s secretary, Allison smell kind of like that at the office Christmas party? She does laugh at all his jokes, even the bad ones.

V.O: You might see a tear run down her cheek as she contemplates her next move.

Woman: Divorce would be hard on the kids and, I’m not going to take them and Brian’s not exactly father of the year, plus: the lawyer bills will pile up quickly. Counseling definitely isn’t the answer. Brian always says psychiatrists are thought bandits, who tell your intimate relationship secrets at cocktail parties to make their colleagues laugh.

V.O: When she takes another whiff of “Suspicion,” she’ll realize:

Woman: No more wearing sweatpants when he gets home. And I’m going to shave above the knee everyday from now on. And I’d better start using that Peloton bike I dry my towels on. Fuck. I need to step up my game and finally be what magazines tell me I should look like!

V.O: “Suspicion.” New from Tyburn Industries’ Patriarchy Division.

—

G: This episode is dedicated to the practice of Manipulating insecure men into making decisions that to you are so obviously correct that it kind of makes you dizzy. By simply making them think they’ve made up their mind for themselves, we can all move forward just a little faster.

MPS: Is that a real thing, or…

G: Nah, I just thought it would be funny to improvise one.

Ted: Oh, good.

MPS: Whew.

G: Yeah. And that way you guys don’t have to write anything else, and we can just order pizza.

MPS: Oh…

G: I mean, if you want! You know, I’m just here to help. Not here to micro-manage. Just helping.

Ted: Umm…

G: But just real quick, the pizza place will start to get really busy soon. We don’t wanna be waiting…you know.

MPS: You know what? Here’s a plan. Let’s order. And pack up the equipment. By the time it gets here, we’ll be done for the day.

G: Great.

—

—Outtakes—

“Shower With Mike 7”

MPS: Now I know what they call the butt in Haiti.

Ted: Bounda ou

Manny: Yup. Bounda ou.

Ted: The way I’ll remember it is because it’s in the back, and it’s down.

Manny: Bounda ou.

—

“Things You Should Never Say 5”

Eddy: Little bloopers.

MPS: Yeah. Totally. It’s a lot of people’s favorite part of the episodes, which, I don’t know what that says about the actual sketches, but…

—

MPS: My dream job? Simple. Two words–Ted. Nugent.

Ted: The creepy eyes really sold that one. Shit. Fuck, my power just went out.

MPS: You just get to travel the country, and play “Cat Scratch Fever” in various honky tonks. What’s not to love? You get to wear gator skin hats.

—

April: Dogs may be man’s best friend, but the threat of a swift kick in the balls is anyone’s greatest ally. Am I right?

—

Ted: How are you with subjugation?

—

“OG Challenges Ted”

OG: well, I also sing and play guitar (Sings/plays) It’s been a hard day’s night…

Ted: I used to cut the strings off your guitar and piss in them.

OG: I knew it.

Ted: Yeah, that’s why they were filled with piss.

OG: I thought there was somebody living in the walls.

Ted: Nope. It was just me pissing in your guitar.

OG: Sucks. You suck.

Ted: Yeah. The moisture probably ruined a few of them.

OG: It did.

Ted: You can’t put urine vs. guitar glue. It just, it won’t hold up. It’s the uric acid.

OG: Well it’s the wood. It’s not even the glue. It’s the wood. It warps the wood. The hot urine warps the wood.

Ted: No, I, yeah. Especially when it’s between seasons and you’ve got the pressure changing the, you know…

OG: Right. But nevermind that. Wood is porous.

Ted: Yup. It’s gonna absorb. And also, good luck getting that smell out.

OG: Yes.

MPS: It seems like they’re making up. At least they’re being civil.

OG: They seem to be on the same page!

Ted: Piss in a guitar is not a good thing. They’ve allied on one issue.

—

“Credits”

View Details

We present more “Things You Should Never Ever Say on a First Date…or Probably Ever.”

It’s time to shower with Mike!

Mike O’Gorman wants to take a larger hand in the show.

A new cologne for jerks that want to create… suspicion.

~*~

Credits:

“Things You Should Never Say: 5”

V.O./Woman: Gillian Pensavalle, Janice McIntyre

Guy: Ted O’Gorman, Nik Walker

Man: Michael Smith, C. Julian Jiminez

Guy 1: James Monroe Iglehart, Eddy Lee

Woman 1: Aneesa Folds, April Sickler

Prepper: Patrick McCartney

Crotch Woman: Hallie O’Gorman

“Shower Wtih Mike: 7”

V.O.: Ted O’Gorman

Mike: Michael Smith

Wilguins: Emmanuel Polycarpe

“OG Challenges Ted”

Ted O’Gorman, Michael Smith, Gillian Pensavalle, Mike O’Gorman

“Suspicion Cologne”

V.O.: Gillian Pensavalle

Woman: Hallie O’Gorman

~*~

This show was produced by Jenson Neal, Gillian Pensavalle, Michael Smith, and Mischief Media. It was edited and sound engineered by Audio Muses.

Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones is a member of the Mischief Media network.

View Details

—Intro—

MPS: Hello listeners, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: And I’m Ted O’Gorman.

MPS: Ted, when was the last time you were mad at me? Like really mad at me?

Ted: Oh man. Long time ago. I remember once in high school you took a sip from my juice box, and I thought you were abusing the privilege and taking down more than a sip’s worth. It was triggering for me because well in hindsight because as a middle child, I frequently felt overlooked. So in that moment the juice box became a boundary issue. I just didn’t have the self-awareness to identify that it wasn’t really about the juice box.

MPS: It never is. So that was the most recent time you were mad at me? High school?

Ted: Yessir. What about you?

MPS: That’s easy. About six minutes ago, you chewed a piece of celery with your mouth open. Not sure why you had to eat at all during a one hour recording session, and if you’re going to eat, why you’d choose the noisiest possible food, of any kind, to chew, and if you’re going to choose the the noisiest possible food, of any kind, to chew, why you’d do it with your mouth open, like the worst kind of uncivilized humanity there is.

Ted: And that was that triggering for you because as the youngest of your siblings, you needed to be heard…

MPS: (Interrupting) It was triggering because it was super fucking annoying. Ok? I could have been anyone at any time or place and it would still have been super fucking annoying.

Ted: Well Mike, the thing is, our past still informs how we relate to these things, and…

MPS: Just, no. No. NO. We’re playing the first sketch. Roll it.

—Quint Does Ralphie: 1—

V.O: And now we present: Quint from the movie “Jaws” playing the role of “Narrator” in the movie “A Christmas Story.” (Off mic) Who would ask for that?

Quint: Higbees’ corner window was traditionally a high-water mark…of the pre-Christmas season. First nighters, packed earmuff to earmuff, jostled in wonderment…before a golden tinkling display…of mechanized, electronic joy. Wow, there it is. The holy grail of Christmas gifts. The Red Ryder 200-shot range model…air rifle. And there he is. Red Ryder himself. In his hand was the knurled stock of as coolly deadly-looking…a piece of weaponry as I had ever laid eyes on.

V.O: This has been: Quint from the movie “Jaws” playing the role of “Narrator” in the movie “A Christmas Story.”

—Charity Conversation—

Gillian: Hi everybody. We’re going to do something a little different today. Ted and Michael recently appeared in a Japanese commercial endorsing a brand of decaf coffee. They were well paid and we find ourselves in possession of a little extra money. We’d like to do something good with it. Today the three of us are going to decide where this money will go to help our community.

Mike: That’s right.

Ted: Yes.

Gillian: Let’s start by opening up the floor to what we are each passionate about. Let’s have an open and respectful dialogue. Where do we think this money can do the most good? Mike, what’s a cause that is near and dear to your heart?

Mike: Well I’ve always admired what Princess Di did to remove landmines. And I think we should focus on doing the same thing with bear traps.

Gillian: I did not see that one coming. Feels like maybe I should have.

Mike: Yeah. Maybe you should have. Because during the last half of the 20th century more than 100,000 bear traps were sold in the north east alone.

Gillian: That doesn’t even seem like a stat that anyone would track. How do you know that?

Mike: And yet no one has an accurate count of where those bear traps ended up, or if they’re still out there waiting for some innocent boy scout to take a hike and then SLAM! Those jagged iron teeth slash into his shin nearly breaking the bone. He screams in pain and passes out. When he wakes he tries to free himself, but the trap has been professionally set and anchored. Night arrives and the smell of his blood is in the nostrils of every beast within a three mile radius. His Boy Scout troop searches in vain. This precocious little nature-loving scout wandered off the trail he was supposed to stick to because he thought he saw a cardinal. It’s getting cold and he feels the warmth leaving his body. He starts to wonder. “Why didn’t I pack the waterproof matches? Why did I leave behind the flashlight that could’ve been used as a signaling device? Where is the tarp that could be providing my shelter?” He swears that if he survives he will take scouting more seriously. He will do his chores, get better grades, be nicer to his little sister, and even volunteer after school. But for now, he’s just a boy shivering in fear as he hears leaves rustling on the forest floor in the distance. Then in the not-so-distance. What walks his way is too big to be human. And humans don’t walk on four legs. This boy…will never be found.

Ted: FUCK! I was going to say getting homeless people employment opportunities. You know, helping them with resumes and getting them new clothes…But Mike screw that, man I’m with you on bear traps. That sounds horrible. What if some kid…I don’t want some kid to have to live that story…nobody…why is nobody talking about this?

Mike: We have to get the word out.

Ted: We have to get the word out!

Gillian: Yup. Should have known this was gonna happen. Ok, boys? The money’s gonna go to an animal rescue charity of my choosing. Ok? We’re done here. Leave my studio.

—Quint Does Ralphie: 2—

V.O: We now return to Quint from the movie “Jaws” playing the role of “Narrator” in the movie “A Christmas Story.”

Quint: Scut Farkus! Scut Farkus! What a rotten name. We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus, staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So help me God, yellow eyes! Grover Dill, Farkus’ crummy little toady. Mean. Rotten. His lips curled over his green teeth. Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense. Deep in the recesses of my brain…a tiny red-hot little flame began to grow. Something had happened. A fuse blew and I had gone out of my skull. I have since heard of people under…extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities…and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.

V.O: This has been: Quint from the movie “Jaws” playing the role of “Narrator” in the movie “A Christmas Story.”

—What’s In A Sip—

Ted: Gillian, Mike and I worked on this one together. I don’t think there’s any way you’ll get this. Is your blindfold secure?

GPS: Yes.

MPS: The streak ends today babe. We worked hard on this one.

GPS: Bring it on.

Ted: Gillian, are you ready to play “What’s in a sip?”

GPS: You’re goddamn right I am.

Ted: Here you go.

GPS: Oooooooh, a warm mug. Nice touch. Smells like… wow… That is some pretty complex stuff. There’s a lot going on here. This is going to be tough.

MPS: Got ya! We win! Finally! Woo!

GPS: I haven’t even sipped yet, Mike.

Ted: Yeah, Mike she hasn’t sipped yet.

MPS: Oh. I tuned out for a second there. Sorry.

GPS: Ok here goes.

*She sips

The umami is from the soy sauce, the creamy chunks are sour milk, the cardamom is there to confuse my palate and yet it can’t distract from the sour cream and onion chips you’ve dissolved in there. And do I sense you wanted me to choke on the single penny you left at the bottom of the mug? And I would guess you mixed this all together in that dirty bowl Ted tried to make Philly Cheesesteak soup in last Friday. You’re amateurs.

Ted: Son of a bitch! How can we not beat you?! You didn’t even bat an eye at the penny. Gillian, I have to give it up to the master. You’re unbeatable at “What’s In A Sip.”

MPS: It’s a goddamn pleasure to watch. I can’t even wrap my head around this, G. Your palette is absolutely singular. You’ve never been wrong.

GPS: I know. It’s a thing I can do. Enough about me. Gentlemen, blindfolds please.

Ted & MPS: Ok. Here goes. We’ll try our best, a deal’s a deal, etc.

*They sip

Ted: Ooooh. It’s sweet.

MPS: Yup, you’re correct on that one, I also find it sweet.

GPS: Guys ok this one was a gag, it’s antifreeze. You should spit it out. I never thought you’d actually drink it. I thought you’d stop as soon as you smelled antifreeze!

Ted & MPS: I’m not falling for that. No way Jose. I’m not gonna be conned that easily, etc.

Ted and MPS start guzzling and continue throughout the following

GPS: No, take the blindfolds off! I have the bottle of antifreeze here. Stop drinking.

MPS: No. Come on. This is some kind of expensive cognac.

GPS: NO. It’s ANTI-FREEZE. And now you both have to purge. Do it. Now. Throw up.

MPS: No it isn’t. You’re a much better sipper than a liar.

GPS: OH MY GOD! THROW UP, YOU IDIOTS!

MPS: Babe, we can’t afford to throw money at expensive cognac like this and just let it go to waste!

GPS: Yeah well, if you don’t throw up right now, you’re going to FUCKING die. And as appealing as that is to me right now…Ted, STOP!

Ted: (Out of breath) Did it! I finished it, you guys. Wow. I owe you a bottle of cognac.

MPS: (Interrupting. Also out of breath.) Damn. I almost beat you.

GPS: JESUS CHRIST. Both of you, throw up. Now!

Ted: Not gonna be a problem, Geeps.

MPS: Really, it’s sittin’ just fine with me. I guess I’m just n…

Ted and Michael start retching

GPS: Oh, thank goodness. Mostly thank goodness.

—Quint Does Ralphie: 3—

V.O: And now we present our final installment of Quint from the movie “Jaws” playing the role of “Narrator” in the movie “A Christmas Story.”

Quint: For one brief moment I saw all the bolts silhouetted…against the lights of the traffic. And then they were gone. Oh, fudge! Only I didn’t say “fudge.” I said the word. The big one. The queen mother of dirty words. The “f, dash, dash, dash” word. It was all over. I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Mere child’s play compared to what surely awaited me.

V.O: This has been: Quint from the movie “Jaws” playing the role of “Narrator” in the movie “A Christmas Story.”

—Things You Should Never Say: 4—

V.O: And now we present: things you should never ever say on a first date. Or probably ever.

Man: I once owned a Labrador Retriever named Simon. He left one night after a disagreement over the phone bill.

Guy: My father always said, “You turn your back on a Menonite, you take your life in your own hands.” Unwavering distrust was maybe his greatest attribute. He later died at the hands of a Menonite, who stabbed him in the back above his floating rib with a sharpened stick.

Woman: Two questions; how long can you hold your breath in roughly eleven feet of chlorinated water? And are you allergic to any sedatives? Really take a second to think about that last one, it’s important.

Man: I’ve had an erection that lasts longer than 48…years! I’ve consulted with my physician! (Starts crying) He doesn’t believe me.

Woman: And he never woke up the next day. So no, I don’t cook for people anymore.

Man: I’m not saying I hate the federal government or anything, I’m just saying I’ve invested heavily in pressure cookers and fertilizer. Wink.

Woman: I write historical fiction about men losing their penises in machine accidents during the industrial revolution. Want to hear a passage from my new one? It’s called: “The Scald of the Bessemer Furnace.” Careful, it’s a hot one! (Reads) Chapter one…

Guy: I believe myself to be a time traveler. I’ve warned more than a few people of impending threats to their life from assassins from the future. Joke’s on them. The assassins always come…from the past.

Woman 1: So I slowly burned off my fingerprints and I’ve been looking over my shoulder ever since. But, hey, that’s life on the run!

Man: I don’t know, I just find male servers to be uncouth. It’s really a job for women. Restaurant service that is. I’ll take some more wine. Please pour.

Woman: (Opens menu) I wonder what’s good here. It’s nearly impossible to get a good Dolphin steak in this town. And try asking for a wine pairing…

Guy: You’re from Pittsburgh? Well I guess we can split the check and you can go home and shoot yourself in the face. I’ll say what your parents should have said; “I’m disappointed in you.”

Man: I practice a relatively new sexual fetish called auto-erotic-oxygination. It’s just standard masturbation while breathing medical quality oxygen from a tank.

Woman 1: They say liars never prosper but I’ve made a very healthy sum. You look good tonight by the way.

V.O: This has been: things you should never ever say on a first date. Or probably ever.

—

Ted: This episode goes out to hard candy. Nothing says pleasure like eating a sweet treat while also wanting the inside of your mouth to bleed from a series of small cuts. Thanks for being the candy that is virtually indecipherable from a shard of sugared glass. Hard candy Mike?

MPS: Fuck you, Ted.

Ted: Correct.

—Outtakes—

“What’s In A Sip”

Ted: It’s so stupid.

GP: Pretty dumb.

Ameeta: It’s awesome.

—

*MPS finishes retching.

MPS: How’s that?

Ted: I think there’s enough.

MPS: Anything worth doin’…

—

Ted: Gillian, are you ready to play “What’s in a sip?”

GP: “I’ve been waiting for this my whole life.” That’s Rudy. But yes, I’m ready.

Ted: Here you are.

—

Ted: It burns right in the pit of your stomach, doesn’t it? It feels like it’s goin’ through.

MPS: That’s the cognac.

Ted: Yeah it’s cognac. I don’t drink a lot of cognac. I guess I’m not used to…oh, sweating. I’m sweating. Are you sweating?

MPS: Mmmhmm. But I also feel cool at the same time.

—

“Things You Should Never Say 4”

April: So I slowly burned off my fingertips and I’ve been looking over my shoulder ever since. But, hey, that’s life on the run!

MPS: It’s fingerprints. Fingertips would be…that’s quite grotesque.

Ted: That’s overkill.

April: Gets the job done.

—

Janice: I’m so sorry…can you give me, like 30 seconds, I’m getting…buzzed. I’m getting a delivery.

MPS: Oh. Yeah!

Janice: Ok.

*MPS hums “Girl From Ipanema.”

Ted: Little “Girl From Ipanema” there, Mike?

MPS: Mmhmm. Classic waiting music.

Ted: Muzak.

MPS: Elevators, waiting rooms, technical difficulties…

—

JMI: I write historical fiction about men losing their penises in machete accidents during the industrial revolution. Want to hear a passage from my new one? It’s called: “Scald of the Bessemer Furnace.” Careful, it’s a hot one! Ok. (Reads) Chapter one…

MPS: Machine accidents.

JMI: Oh! Machete accidents!

MPS: Lotta machetes in the industrial revolution.

JMI: That’s definitely true!

—

MPS: So there I was in the middle of the Atlantic with this giant hole in my boat. And I’m just thinking; maybe Carol was right all along, I should have learned to swim before a solo trans-Atlantic journey.

—

Nik: Everybody has a thing. Mine is having women dress up like G.G. Allin and reenact his last concert in my living room. So… pretty boilerplate in that regard.

—

“Charity Conversation”

Ted: Oh yeah let’s do a “fun one” about a kid getting killed while he’s stuck in a bear trap. Right. The “fun one” of that.

—

“Quint Does Ralphie”

Quint: Sometimes at the height of our reveries, when our joy is at its zenith…when all is most right with the world…the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us. The heavenly aroma still hung heavy in the house. But it was gone. All gone. No turkey. No turkey sandwiches. No turkey salad. No turkey gravy, turkey hash, turkey a la king…or gallons of turkey soup. Gone. All gone. That Christmas would live in our memories…as the Christmas when we were introduced to Chinese turkey. All was right with the world.

MPS: Nice job.

—

“Credits”

View Details

MPS: Hello hello, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.

MPS: Hey man, I thought I’d spice things up for myself this season.

Ted: How’s that?

MPS: I have a few catch phrases that I’d like to try out, if that’s ok.

Ted: So you want your own “Dynomite”, your own “Did I do that?” your own “Hello Newman”?

MPS: Yes. Exactly. I think I’ve earned it, quite frankly.

Ted: Ok. Do you have some options?

MPS: Yeah, here’s a few of my faves. Say something that sounds like a punchline.

Ted: So…that’s when I saw my first cactus.

MPS: (Fake laughing) “The shine still isn’t off these Diamond Gals!”

Ted: (Interrupting) Too long.

MPS: Ok. Throw me another one.

Ted: And the cheesecake…had a graham cracker crust.

MPS: (Fake laughing) “Keep your mitts to yourself!”

Ted: (Under his breath) Doesn’t…really apply.

MPS: Keep ‘em comin’.

Ted: I couldn’t tell if it was a real candle…or a tealight.

MPS: (Fake laughing): “Yow!”

Ted: And I said cup your hands and we’ll see if you’re right! And the boys just let ‘em rip!

MPS: (Fake laughing) “Enough concentrated oomph for a whole carload of Hollywood Starlets”

Ted: Can I stop you there?

MPS: One more.

Ted: (Sighs) And the tablecloth was right where I left it.

MPS: (Fake laughing) “What a hitter!”

Ted: Mike those are all just lines from the newsreel in “A League of Their Own.”

MPS: Is that…No good?

Ted: No. No.

MPS: Damn. I thought plagiarism was ok if it was…

Ted: If it was audio, but we’ve talked about this. And even if it’s audio, you can’t do that.

MPS: Ohhhh. I thought we were exempt.

Ted: No. It’s not just films and TV.

—

—Celebrity Smash Bros. 6—

V.O: And now we present, Ted and Michael unlocking more hidden celebrity characters in the video game Super Smash Brothers, already in progress.

MPS: Oh man, I wonder who’s left.

Ted: I feel invincible, man. Once you knock the spaetzle out of Kristoff Waltz, anything is possible.

*Game V.O: Challengers approach!

Ringo: I’m Ringo Star

Ted: Oh man.

MPS: I knew this day would come. He popped up once to fight alongside Paul McCartney, then disappeared.

Ted: Like a real cartoon villain, this guy. Just toying with us.

Ringo: Hi I’m Ringo.

Ted: Yeah, Ringo. You just said that.

MPS: Like that voice could be anyone else.

Ringo: I can take you. I was 25 before I had salmon that didn’t come in a tin.

MPS: I wish I could give you advice, Ted. But this is deeper into the game then I’ve ever been.

Ted: Guess we’re gonna be flyin’ blind together, pally.

MPS: I’m focused, man. I’m your Chewbacca. Your co-pilot. Pushin’ buttons, pullin’ levers, makin’ sounds. You know?

*MPS makes Chewbacca sounds.

MPS: How’s that? Pretty good?

Ted: (Interrupting) Hey Mike, Mike, this is me pushing the “I get it” button.

Ringo: I bested Pete Best. And now I’ll best you.

MPS and Ted: Awwwww.

Ted: Poor guy.

MPS: Who, Ringo?

Ted: No. Not Ringo. Pete Best.

MPS: Oh.

Ringo: I’m 80, I’m beautiful, and I’m winning!

Ted: I…seem to be able to jump-kick him in the face when he takes his round sunglasses off.

MPS: Oooh, good observation. It’s really fast, though. That’s probably why.

Ted: I know. But I’ve almost got the timing, I think.

Ringo: I’m winning. You can’t see it, but I’m making the “peace” sign.

MPS: Why couldn’t we see him…making the…? We’re looking right at him.

Ted: Well he’s wearing a cloak.

MPS: Oh. I see.

Ringo: Fire is beautiful.

MPS: He did this when Paul McCartney summoned him! Remember?

Ted: Oh I remember.

MPS: Well then cover up!

Ted: Shit.

MPS: He produces the fire.

Ted and MPS: From beneath the cloak.

MPS: Of course.

Ted: Yup.

Ringo: I’m winning! And not just here. I’m one of two Beatles left!

Ringo: Oh fuck.

MPS: Now you’re getting it!

Ted: Yeah, he tips that he’s gonna take the sunglasses off by lifting his leg just a little… Ha!

Ringo: You got by with a little help from your friends.

*Game V.O: Game!

*Ted and MPS: Yeah! Nice job, etc.

Ringo: Congrats. You’ve unlocked All Star bandleader Ringo Star! Don’t forget to get tickets to see us on October 22nd and 23rd at the Jones Beach Ampitheatre on Long Island, New York.

MPS: Oh. Look at that. You wanna go?

Ted: No.

MPS: Oh.

Ringo: See you next time, on Super Smash Brothers.

*Game V.O: Challengers approach!

Ted: (Singing) Who could it be nowwww?

*MPS hum/sings the corresponding saxophone part.

John Mulaney: Oh, hello. I’m John Mulaney.

Ted: Well I’ll be.

MPS: This guy is awfully “hip” for Nintendo, isn’t he?

Ted: Well, you know, they also had Steve from “Sex and the City.”

MPS: Oh, that’s true.

Mulaney: Most of my weight is carried in my suit!

Ted: Wouldn’t that make him less intimidating?

MPS: Yeah, it’s like he’s trying to talk you out of fighting him.

Ted: Well that’s not gonna happen.

MPS: Nope.

Mulaney: What a kerfuffle! No! I can’t be losing! No!

Ted: That’s one way of putting it. Another way would be that I’m kicking your ass.

Mulaney: I’m losing! Probably because I look like a boy!

Ted: (After “I’m losing”) You sure are, Mulaney. You sure are.

MPS: Don’t get too over-confident.

*Game explosion

MPS: See?

Ted: You wanna do this?

MPS: No, I like watching.

Ted: Ok then.

*Game explosion

Ted: Where does he get those exploding amps?

MPS: You gotta knock him over the cliff. That’s the key, I think.

Ted: But Yoshi doesn’t push!

MPS: I know. Try an egg throw when he’s close to the edge. Now!

*Ted/Yoshi does so. Mulaney falls over a cliff.

Mulaney: Oh, I didn’t see this comiiiiiing!

*Game V.O: Game!

MPS and Ted: Well done, sir! Nice! Etc.

Ted: On to the next chapter, Mr. Mulaney you have been retired.

Mulaney: Well, color me defeated! I guess I’ll just crawl right back into Nick Kroll’s pocket.

MPS: Wow. That’s honest.

Mulaney: Well, good for you. You’ve unlocked John Mulaney. That’s my time. Thank you, Chuckle Hut in Tempe, Arizona.

Ted: There’s no comeback for this!

*Yoshi sound

*Long pause.

Ted: That sounded more badass in my head.

MPS: I figured.

V.O: This has been Ted and Michael unlocking more hidden celebrity characters in the video game Super Smash Brothers.

—-

—Gillian Has A Gun 2—

V.O: Last season on “Ted and Michael…”

MPS: Oh, and a quick heads up, it’s not like a big deal or anything, but Gillian bought a gun and really likes waving it around and sticking it in people’s faces. So just prepare yourself for that. Wine?

—

GPS: Want to hold it?

Ted: I’m ok. Thank you

GPS: See how clean the barrel is? And I fired it a bunch last night!

—

Ted: I would really appreciate it if you could refrain from pointing your gun directly at my face.

GPS: Listen. Baby. I told you the safety is on, so just cool out. What more do you want? Nothing’s going to happen. Me and honest Abe got your back, baby.

Ted: When did you start calling people baby?

GPS: Just something I always wanted to do. Ya dig?

MPS: Something about owning a gun has turned Gillian’s speech pattern into that of a 1950’s beatnik. Is it weird? I kind of like it.

—

*Ted enters and closes the door as he begins.

Ted: Hey guys.

GPS: Hey bud, I’d be a little careful just walking into someone’s apartment. I don’t want you to get shot right between the eyes. Not that the world would be losing another Brad Pitt…

Ted: Oh, well I figured that since you buzzed me up and unlocked the door you expected me to just come in.

GPS: Oh! Yeah well, maybe Mike and I assume that people will be respectful of the fact that we don’t have locks anymore. Just guns. It’s ok, blondie, I get what you’re selling.

Ted: Ah, you guys purchased more firearms? Lovely. Also, I’m not blonde.

GPS: Yeah but you’re about as smart as one. Mike, you believe this dopey dick?

MPS: He’s so stupid. Ted, what are we going to do with you? We’re gonna educate you. That’s what we’re gonna do. Geeps, educate him.

Gillian brandishes a revolver

GPS: See this here, Teddy, old timer? It’s a vintage Smith And Wesson Schofield chambered in .45. Same kind used by Jesse fuckin’ James. I got it at a pawn shop in Vegas.

Ted: You…did?

GPS: Yeah, I traded it…for the cashier’s life. I told him the gun I was pointing at him needed a friend. Let’s play a game. Ever see The Deer Hunter?

As Ted answers, we hear the chamber spin, click, and the “click” sound of GPS pulling the trigger.

Ted: I’ve seen The Deer Hunter before. Please, don’t do that. Jesus Christ! You could have killed me!!

GPS: No shit dopey. We play with live ammunition at this level.

Ted: What level? Mike did you see that? Gillian almost shot me!

MPS: Hey Gillian, seems like Ted is wearing his wife’s panties again. I can tell because he’s obviously got them in a twist.

GPS: We’re hardcore Ted. Get on board this train or get off the tracks. Cuz this choochoo ain’t stopping for any pants pissing ginger who don’t carry a piece. So cool it, fatso.

Ted: You’ve said so much hurtful stuff…right in a row, just now.

GPS: Boo hoo. Complain to my gun, tub-o’-guts.

Ted: Please! Don’t! For the love of god…Do you really think I’m overweight?

GPS: No, I don’t really subscribe to that shit. I think you actually look really healthy.

Ted: Thanks, I mean my doctor just told me that my blood pressure’s looking better…

GPS: Doesn’t change the fact that you’re about as attractive as you are smart. This is Gillian’s world. And you’re just livin’ in it. Now scram, dopey. Shake those soiled dungarees down the steps. Look after your knob you blob.

Ted: Ok bye guys. So incredibly hurtful.

Door closes as Ted leaves in a hurry.

MPS: Bye Ted. See you next time, pal. Safe home. Tell Hallie we said hi. Love you buddy. Always so great to have him over. I really enjoy entertaining, you know. The older I get. I finally get to break out the chip and dip. But I think he did piss a little more on the way out.

GPS: That pathetic, aspiring Ron Howard lookalike totally dribbled on our welcome mat. Next time I see him I’m going to wing him a little bit.

MPS: Really? Don’t tease me.

GPS: I’ll use a .22. We gotta toughen him up, friggin dingus!

MPS: Yeah. I mean…frankly I think it’ll be good for him.

—

—Morning Show: Tooth Cake—

Kip: Thanks again to our segment reporter Kevin Franklin for bringing us that wonderful story. I guess it’s true, when one door closes, the universe opens another. But sometimes that other door fills your house with hazardous industrial cleaning foam. All of us here at “Top o’ The Mornin’” hope that the Delgado family will one day be located, or at least…identified. Well Donna, it’s almost beach season again and that means it’s time to put down the cupcakes and start doing some crunches!

Donna: That’s right, Kip. And if you’re like me, exercising isn’t the problem. It’s keeping that sweet tooth in check. I’ll work up a sweat by digging a big hole to nowhere for hours in my backyard. But then I’ll pack all those calories back on when it’s time for dessert. Talk about lost progress!

Kip: Well you look dynamite, Donna. So…those holes to nowhere seem to be…working.

Donna: Oh Kip! You’re so sweet. Our next guest has a secret to fight those sweet cravings and help keep inches off your beltline. No he’s not a dietician or a nutritionist. He’s actually a hypnotist. And he claims that hypnotism can crack the cravings. Please welcome to the show: Marius Albescu. Look at those robes!

*Marius enters as the audience applauds politely.

Kip: Welcome to Top of the Morning Marius. It’s a pleasure to have you on.

Marius: I am well thank you.

Kip: I, oh…

*Pause

Donna: So Marius, are you ready to keep me away from cake?! I’ve got a two piece I wanna fit in this summer!

Marius: This is something I wish to correct. My therapy does not keep you from craving unhealthy food items, oh no no no. Even from trying to consume them. It will only keep you from wanting to finish them. You will still very much want the cake. But no can finish.

Donna: Well as long as it does the job!

Kip: Fascinating. Just incredible. Well please tell us about how you learned hypnosis.

Marius: In my travels I met a Bavarian man.

*Long pause

Kip: Care to expand on that, or…?

Marius: Ah yes. He said he could hypnotize people and that he made the best pretzels in the world. Not being insane, I tested the truth of his…first with the pretzels. Indeed they were good, perhaps they were the best of the world. I ask next for him to show me hypnosis trick. Now for many years I use this technique to make people not eat so much food. It works good.

Donna: Marius hypnotized me backstage. And we’re going to test how this method works when I’m confronted with some of my very favorite treats!

Marius: Yes. You will not want to finish the foods. I promise you.

Donna: Alright the crew just rolled out a dining cart with some of my faves. We have chocolate cake, cookie dough ice cream, just a big ball of cookie dough, blueberry muffins… all the stuff I can’t stay away from!

*Studio audience “Oooooh”s.

Kip: Oooooooooo those do look good! Couple extra gym trips for me this week.

Donna: Well you’re in luck, Kip. You get to taste first and let everyone at home know that these are the genuine article.

Kip: (Laughing) Is this your way to make me look bigger on camera, Donna? You’re already the better looking one.

*Audience chuckles

Kip: (Takes a bite) Yup that’s chocolate cake. And it’s…from “Bakey Bakey”, on 8th Avenue! We get all our office birthday cakes from there. I’d know it blindfolded. I sure would.

Donna: I love that bakery. Here I go! (Long pause then she spits) Oh my god! That is awful! Ahhh!

Kip: Really?! Well I guess it works gang! Donna doesn’t like the taste of dessert anymore! It’s official!

*Audience applauds briefly

Donna: Dessert? It didn’t even feel like cake! Are you guys messing with me? Is this a prank? Am I being plunked? That could have made me choke. Not cool.

Kip: What gives, Donna? You ok? Because this isn’t a prank, I assure you. I tasted the same cake you did. (To the audience) I tasted the same cake she did!

Marius: Yes, Donna, tell the people what you experienced.

Donna: Ok. Ok. Let’s see what’s going on here. Let me try a scoop of this ice cream. (Same reaction. She spits) When I spit it out, strangest thing, I can see that It’s ice cream, but when it’s in my mouth it feels like…

Marius: What, what does it feel like? Please tell us. The public wants to know.

Donna: It feels like I have a mouthful of stones.

Marius: You’re getting (sing songy) warm.

Donna: So unpleasant. Like jagged little marbles.

Marius: You’re getting hotter, Donna! Hotter!

Donna: It almost feels like I have a mouthful of…of…human teeth. A whole mouth full of someone else’s loose human teeth!

*Audience gasps

Marius: Bingo! Yes, and who could enjoy such a sensation? With my method, once hypnotized my client’s mind, their entire mind, will change any unhealthy food they try to eat into the sensation of chewing human teeth. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Kip: Well that sure doesn’t sound pleasant!

Marius: I assure you, it’s very unsettling. But that is the goal of the hypnosis. As you can see Donna bit into a perfectly good piece of cake. Yet to her it was a mouthful of wisdom teeth just clacking around, grinding against her own teeth. So unbelievably sickening!

*Audience applauds

Donna: Well, I’m a believer, Marius. That was really something. So what if, say, we go for something a little less extreme. I don’t know… brussel sprouts. What if we just made cake taste and feel like brussel sprouts?

Marius: No! No. It must be teeth.

Donna: Why teeth?

Marius: Because–it is the only hypnosis I know.

Donna: Ok. Well then I guess we’ll go to commercial break and you can just reverse it for me. I’ll just have to stay away from cake on my own. This is way too unpleasant.

Marius: There is no reversal. This is a forever thing now. Forever…thing…now.

Donna: WHAT!!??? Are you kidding me! So at my daughters birthday party next week, I’m going to bite into a slice of birthday teeth?

Marius: From this day until the end of time, all cake will be teeth, yes! WILL BE TEETH!!!

*He laughs crazily. Donna pulls her mic off and storms off cursing

Donna: Andrew! Where is Andrew! Who booked this goddamned lunatic!? Well if it wasn’t our segment producer, then who the hell was it?? Don’t act like you can’t see me!

Kip: Well we’d like to thank Marius from Sweet Tooth Hypnosis for coming by. Heck of a thing. Thanks Marius. We’ll be talking about this one for a while.

Marius: My pleasure.

Donna: You wanna see the real Donna, see what happens when I can’t have chocolate every day at 5 ‘o clock!

*Tables flipping in the background

Kip: Oh boy there she goes, oh she’s… she’s flipping tables…yeah. And…according to my teleprompter, Marius has agreed to do a full group hypnosis on our studio audience at our next commercial break. Is that right?

Marius: Yes, on the whole studio audience. My pleasure, indeed. You will all taste teeth! TEETH!!! HAHA!!!

*The audience gasps, then falls silent.

Kip: Up next, is your cat plotting to kill you? Feline psychologist Anabell Schroder says yes–he or she is–but she tells us how to spot the warning signs, and how to make possums your allies. All that and more after a quick word from our sponsors. This is Top o’ The Mornin’.

—

MPS: This episode is dedicated to the lady that Ted once stopped from shoplifting while exiting a shopping mall with a friend. As the security guards gave chase, yelling for help, Ted’s less-than-proactive friend jumped right out of the way, perhaps fearing a legal entanglement of some kind. Ted, on the other hand, didn’t hesitate. He wrapped her up in a bear hug until the security guards caught up with them, thus saving some retail outlet from some annoying paperwork. I like to think that the thief has a picture of Ted featured prominently somewhere in her home, and she looks at it every morning and every night…as she bides her time…and plots her revenge.

Ted: Bring it on, Judy. My kitchen’s always open. What’s on the menu, you ask? All-you-can-eat bear hug sandwiches, that’s what.

MPS: Is her name really Judy?

Ted: I have no idea.

MPS: Oh.

—

—Outtakes—

“Gillian Has A Gun 2”

GP: It’s just the worst. Like I’ve just become the worst. Just a terrible person.

Ted: You’re drunk with the power of gun.

—

Ted: “Start podcasting, Ted” they said. “You’ll have fun.” (Crying) Podcasting isn’t fun. It’s hurtful. It’s so hurtful. Why does she have a gun? (Breaks character) Does that do it? Or should we do another one?

MPS: (Sam Elliott voice) I think you did just fine, hombre.

Ted: (Sam Elliott voice) Hombre.

—

GP: Kaboom.

Ameeta: And can you do the other line again?

GP: Yes.

Ameeta: “We’re hard core…”

GP: Yes. That was the run-on sentence, right?

Ameeta: Yeah.

MPS: I love listening to Ameeta and India refer to our ridiculous dialogue in the most serious possible tone.

GP: I know.

MPS: Like when Ameeta was like “You got a little loud on the ‘Mom sprayed hairspray into my eyes’ line…”

GP: (Laughing) I know.

—

“Celeb Smash Bros. 6”

OG: Oh, I’m a loser. And I’m exactly what I appear to be…that’s a Beatle lyric, if anyone’s wondering.

—

OG: ThemIactoncompunsatoryfactor.

—

MPS: You gotta knock him over the cliff. That’s the key, I think. I think that might actually be the only way.

Ted: But Yoshi doesn’t push. I think if I mention Olivia Munn used to date Aaron Rodgers, I can get him to jump.

—

MPS: I just have one follow-up question, though.

Ted: Mmhmm…

MPS: (Chewbacca voice) Whhhhyyyyy?

Ted: Fuckin’ asshole.

MPS: Sorry.

—

“Morning Show: Toothcake”

JMI: Biden! I am coming for you next, Biden! Everyone will taste teeth! Obama will taste teeth! Trump will taste teeth! Even even sweet, wonderful Michelle will taste teeth! You will watch! Every Disney movie! Teeth! Teeth! TEETH! The Hamilton show will now be called TEETH! (Breaks character) I’m sorry. I have nothing better to do with my time.

—

—Credits—

View Details

MPS: Hello hello, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman. Mike, how many times have you been described as spicy.

MPS: Ted, not once. Once I was described as saucy, however. But I deserved it. I was wearing a fedora on the beach.

Ted: Oooooooh that is saucy.

MPS: You ever been called spicy?

Ted: Does Ginger Spice count?

MPS: That was a weird Halloween. Listen to this.

—

—Sriraching-–

V.O. Hey parents–how many times have you slaved over your child’s birthday cake only to have them say…

Kid: What kind of frosting is this mom?

Mom: It’s vanilla, sweetheart. I thought that was your favorite. That’s what I make every year on your birthday.

Kid: Yeah, but mom, I’m five this year. Can you grab the hot sauce? Vanilla is just…too vanilla.

V.O. And when your little daughter had to bring cupcakes to school and came home with tears in her eyes?

Mom: Candice what’s wrong?

Candice: You were in charge of the cupcakes and all the other girls said they tasted like BLEEP because they weren’t spicy enough. You don’t get it mom! Cupcakes are supposed to be spicy. I hate you. I should have told the judge that I wanted to live with dad. At least his new wife can bake! Oh, and both her legs are real!

V.O. We know! Too many times to count, right? Tyburn Industries has your solution. Introducing Sriraching, the world’s first Sriracha accented frosting. Imagine your childhood favorites; vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, milk chocolate, and more! All with the overpowering smack of the Sriracha your children crave. So next time you bake a cake, instead of this…

Kid: I said I don’t like vanilla, what are you deaf?

V.O. You’ll hear this…

Kid: Oh Jesus h. (BLEEPING) Christ! My mouth is on fire! This is the best cake I’ve ever had! Look at me I’m tearing up! So tasty! Oh (BLEEP) I just got some of the frosting in my eyes! It burns so much. Mom, please help me! Where are you going? I’m your son! What’s in this glass?

Sound of door opening and closing

Kid: (Cont.) MOM!? Is it milk?

*He throw-drinks the contents of the glass in one shot.

Kid: (Cont.) It’s grapefruit juice! Why!? Who drinks that with cake?! I’m going blind! It’s getting worse! Mom? Mom!

Sound of car starting and driving away

V.O. Tyburn industries. Solutions for every occasion.

—

—Walken and the Whale—

V.O: And now we present Christopher Walken talking aloud after finding himself trapped inside a whale.

Walken: Hello, anybody down here? No? Chris, it looks like you’re on your own here, pancho. Let’s get to planning how to exit this mamailiane fortress of blubber.

It doesn’t smell as bad as I thought it would in here. I mean it’s terrible and nauseating, I might pass out. But it’s not REAL bad. You know the kind of bad that really makes you feel sick, all the way down to your asshole? And boy oh boy is it moist. I know a lot of people have trouble with that word. Not me. I’m a moist guy. Best way to describe a nice piece of wedding cake. But at least wedding cakes aren’t cavernous…and echoey. Hey!

It echos “Hey!

Walken: Echo!

*It echos “Echo!”

Walken: When I say Walken, you say Walken. Walken!

It echos “Walken!”

Walken: Ha. That’s kinda fun. I didn’t kill Natalie Wood!

It echos “I didn’t kill Natalie Wood!”

Walken: But I sure could’ve prevented what transpired! Bob Wagner is no prize. Man has a rage boiling inside him.

It echos

Walken: (To himself) Let’s see, what else? (To the cavern, shouting) I should’ve had Hanks’ part in “Sleepless In Seattle!”

It echos

Walken: Damn you, Reiner! I apologized! It was a misunderstanding!

It echos

Walken: I wonder if there is a restroom down here. I didn’t think to go before I yelled, “Hey look at that whale!” and jumped off the boat to come make friends. I don’t know much about whale friendships, but being swallowed whole could mean he really likes me, or he really doesn’t. I don’t find swallowing someone whole… to be a middle ground maneuver. Chrissy baby, you knew it was a roll of the dice. Let’s see if we come up snake eyes. Mr. Whale, if you can hear me please listen. I’m no fool. I know you can’t answer back. But I think, given the mystical powers of your species, you’ll understand my meaning and good intentions. I mean you no harm, sir. I simply wish to get back to shore to be with my family. You see to humans, land is to us, what the sea is to you. It’s a home. I promise I’ll stop using plastic straws, if that’s what this is all about. I tell most people I already stopped. But we both know, sometimes I cheat. Scouts honor, no more plastic straws for old Chrissy boy. Please tell the others, maybe even mention it to a dolphin friend. Get the word around. Don’t want this to happen again. Now sir, would you be so kind as to open your blow hole? It has been a pleasure to be a guest in your magnificent belly, but I think we both know I’m needed elsewhere.

*Sound of blow hole opening.

Walken: Thank you my whale friend. I appreciate it. Be good, friend. Be ever so good.

Walken climbs out and his voice gets fainter, the farther he climbs. But we hear him muttering to himself. Whale sounds.

Walken: Oooh. So sticky.

He looks out–street sounds waves, wind, etc.

Walken: (Shouting) Oooh! Malibu! How did you know? I’m about five minutes inland!

V.O: This has been Christopher Walken talking aloud after finding himself trapped inside a whale.

—

—Phone Meeting—

MPS: Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. Oh Ted oh Ted oh Ted oh Ted…pick up…your phone.

Ted: Hello!

MPS: Oh hey. What’s goin’ on? It sorta worked…

*Faint stock market chaos noises go on throughout, There’s also ringing phones.

Ted: Mikey.

MPS: Yeah.

Ted: Whaddaya got for me? You couldn’t have picked a worse time!

(Yells away from phone) Get me Martin Hauser on my office phone. And tell him if he can’t talk now he obviously doesn’t need my business!

MPS: Oh. I thought we both picked this time for a little phone writing session. In fact it was you who suggested…

Ted: (To someone else) And tell Hauser his ass is canned if that tip he gave me about stock in Grumman was bullshit!

MPS: I assume you’re not talking to me. Are you…is everything ok?

Ted: Linda, tell Tom Baxter to fax me the Rothstein memo. If I don’t have it on my desk in 10 minutes I swear to God I’ll slap his kid!

MPS: Why don’t I call back another time? I’m not even sure what’s happening over there. Did you get a new job, or…?

Ted: Linda, quit screwing my calendar. You’ve got me fucked me into a lunch with Calvin Reeves at 1:00. If you want to watch someone dribble clam chowder down his shirt while talking about tech futures, that’s your business. Keep me the fuck out of it!

(To MPS) Now’s good, Mikey. I can fit you in for a tight twenty. Don’t fuck me.

MPS: Ok cool. I’m sorry-don’t what you?

Ted: Don’t fuck me on this, Mikey. My time is very valuable. If you got somethin to work on, I need you to deliver the goods. Now Whaddaya got? Don’t fuck me again, Mikey. I mean it.

MPS: Ok ok. What are you…I didn’t fuck you in the first place, man! I just called you at our mutually agreed upon time!

Ted: What do you goooot Mikeeeeeeey don’t fuck me.

MPS: (Nervous now) Ah. God. Ok! We were working on a commercial parody. Tyburn Industries’ new robotic toilet paper. It works kind of like a roomba. It finds the poop once you hold it near…your butt…it’s also green, and rechargeable. Unfortunately there’s no way to clean it, really. Cause it can’t get wet.

Ted: (Snorts) I REMEMBER THE CONCEPT MIKEY LET’S TALK DIALOGUE (Snorts again).

MPS: Oh, ok. Um…Ted are you snorting cocaine?

Ted: Mikey.

MPS: Yeah?

Ted: Don’t…

MPS: I know, I know. Don’t fuck you. Don’t worry, by the way!

Ted: Well good! If you know what I’m gonna say…(Swallows a drink, with pills) Linda! Get me Gary Bayer on the phone! Tell him if he’s looking for his balls they’re in my desk drawer. And, oh, mention his wife hit on me at the Humane Society Easter party. You got fifteen minutes now, Mikey.

MPS: Ok. So we have the V.O, but we have to set it up better. I was thinking a “fly-on-the-wall” kind of scenario where a guy is like, watching a ballgame or something and rushes off to the bathroom…

Ted: And then his wife walks in and tells him he’s late for an appointment. Take it. I already wrapped it up, put it in the bag, put the receipt in the bag. So take it. Take it. Take it take it take it take it.

MPS: No, I was thinking the man talks right to the V.O guy like they’re in the bathroom together…

TED: DON’T FUCK ME ON THIS, MIKE!

MPS: Ok! I’m writing it down! (Typing fast) Jesus. Christ!

Ted: Carol! Get me the 403-B forms! If I have to ask again you’re out on your ass! These are the 403-C’s! Get goin’, hot stuff!

*Slap sound

MPS: Did you just slap this Carol person on her ass?

Ted: Yeah, she loves it.

MPS: Who even is Caro!?

Ted: She’s my office girl. Don’t worry about it, Mike. Next item! Dont fuck me! (Big snort) Mmmmmmm. Sopapillas.

MPS: What!?

Ted: Oh, Mikey. It’s just fun to say. Try it. Sopapillas. Sopapillas. Sopapillas. Sopapillas.

MPS: Sopa…pillas.

Ted: Also they’re good for the ‘ol sweet tooth. Sopapillas. Sopapillas. SAY IT WITH ME, MIKE!!! Sopapillas! Sopapillas!! Sopapillas!!!

MPS: (Interrupting) Fuck! You’re freaking me out! SOPAPILLAAAAAS! Ok? Can we move on!?

Ted: Good sesh, Mikey. I gotta get goin’. I think Procter and Gamble are about to announce a big move. I haven’t been wine’d and dine’d yet, so they’re gonna have to take their collective condom off, if you get my meaning. I’ll bill you for the time.

MPS: NO! NO! YOU’VE GOT ME ALL HYPED UP NOW AND MY TIME ISN’T UP! DON’T YOU DARE HANG UP THIS PHOOOOOONE!!!

Ted: (Same time) Sopapillaaaaaaaaas! Mikeeeeeeeey! Don’t fuck me.

*The line stays open, but we hear scurrying footsteps. A door slams.

MPS: Hello? Hello!?

Carol: Hello Mr. Smith?

MPS: Carol? Are you…actually real?

Carol: Yes, of course! Mr. O’Gorman gets awfully temperamental before lunch. You’ll have to excuse him. The only thing that will calm him down now is a martini with four large olives and a hefty dose of diazepam. He’s like clockwork!

MPS: Carol. Oh, Carol. I don’t know you, but you can do so much better employment-wise. I…how does Ted even pay you? Carol, you gotta get outta there!

Carol: Oh you.

*She giggles, hangs up.

MPS: Carol? Carol! Hello!?

*Sound of disconnected line.

MPS: He…fucked me. What a douche.

—

—Singing Bully 2—

V.O: And now we present, Carter Fredericksburg…the singing bully.

Harry: Hey Desmond, I’ll trade you my fruit roll up for three of those chocolate covered graham crackers.

Desmond: I don’t know. Let me think about it.

Harry: Think about it? Lunch is almost over! Come on. I’ll throw in…my Hi C.

Desmond: You already opened it.

Harry: Yeah, but it’s almost full!

Desmond: Sorry, Harry. We’re friends and all, but I don’t want your germs.

Harry: What if, instead of my Hi C, I gave you my Gushers, too?

Desmond: Whoa! Your mom gives you a Fruit Roll Up and Gushers? So cool!

Harry: Yeah, she’s the best.

Desmond: It’s so much sugar, though.

Harry: Yeah, but I’m hypoglycemic.

Desmond: You are? I didn’t know that.

Harry: Yeah. If my blood sugar gets even a little low, I can pass out.

Desmond: Wow.

Harry: Yeah, one time I hit my temple on the corner of my desk, and I woke up in the hospital, and…

Carter: Hey boys!

Harry: It’s Carter!

Desmond: I know who it is!

Carter: Who’s hungry? Oh, that’s right. It’s me!

Desmond: Well, we’re…hungry, too.

Carter: What was that?

Desmond: Nothing.

Harry: He said that…that he’s hungry, too. And so am I.

Carter: Hungry for a song, I bet!

Desmond and Harry: Oh, no!

*Carter starts stuffing his face

Carter: Don’t worry, fellas. A song or two will provide all the sustenance you growing boys could ever need.

Harry: Well, Carter, um, sir. The thing is, I’m hypoglycemic, and…we were actually just talking about this…

Desmond: Yeah, that’s actually a really nice coincidence. You were just telling me…

Harry: Yeah we were…I was just telling Desmond that, I could pass out, if…

Harry is interrupted by the sound of a cartoonish punch

Harry: (Cont.) Ow!

Desmond: Oh!

*Carter eats for a few more seconds, then begins singing (“Wake Me Up Before You Go Go”) and punching.

Harry: I’m…so hungry. Light…headed.

Desmond: Just cover up, Harry. It’ll be over soon.

Carter: Excuse me! I AM SINGGING!!!

Harry and Desmond: Sorry.

*Carter changes songs, sings “Rhinestone Cowboy”, as the beatings continue.

*Harry sighs and we hear the sound of him falling, and a table breaking.

Carter: Why, oh why must you children be so reckless with the school’s valued furniture. I must get to class, and it looks like you boys are going to have to answer for this haphazard destruction of school property.

Desmond: Oh, man.

Carter: But first–lunch money. Give it up.

Desmond: But I already bought my lunch. And you ate it. All I have now is my allowance.

Carter: That’s perfect. As I am allowancing you to live through the day. Look at your friend, there. You wanna end up unconscious like him?

Desmond: Well, that’s cause he’s hypoglycemic, so…

Carter: What, are you trying to exscape?

Carter: (A la “Tainted Love”) Uh-uh-uh.

Carter starts singing “Tainted Love” and punching

Desmond: OH, SON OF A BITCH!!!

V.O: This has been Carter Fredericksburg…the singing bully.

—

Ted: I’d like to dedicate this episode to my own stellar performance in Mike and Gillian’s webseries “The Residuals.” I played an aggressive name-dropper, and my improvised lines created some of the most memorable scenes in either season of the series. For which I received little thanks, little compensation, and even less formal credit. Dick move, Mike. Dick. Move.

*Toilet flushes. MPS returns to mic.

MPS: Alright, I’m back. So you wanna do a Dedication?

Ted: Nah, I don’t really have anything right now.

MPS: Oh ok. Gimme a second, I’ll find something.

—

—Outtakes—

“Phone Meeting”

Ted: Linda! Quit screwin’ with my calendar. You got me…(Laughs)…sorry.

MPS: You’d actually be good at this job. Weirdly enough.

—

Ted: Don’t fuck with me.

MPS: It’s “don’t fuck me.” It’s gotta be “don’t fuck me.”

Ted: Sorry, sorry.

MPS: It’s “don’t fuck me” or bust.

—

Ted: yeah, sure. Those snorts, man. How do people do real coke? Just snorting dry like that is bad for ya. That can’t be good. Oh, god.

—

MPS: Are you…? I can already hear, it sounds like I was just laughing. Which I was.

—

Ted: I think my nose is gonna start bleeding.

MPS: You don’t have to snort again. We got it.

Ted: I have to.

—

Ted: You got a fist up my ass, and you’re playing me like Kermit the Frog. Don’t fuck me, Mikey.

MPS: Ah. Jesus Christ. Ok! Jesus. That’s really graphic.

—

Ameeta: I like the “Sopapillas” section. So like, right after you…snort the cocaine…(Laughs)

—

MPS: Oh, I’m gonna let Fiona out into the living room. She’s freaked out by all this yelling.

—

Ted: Sopapillas, Mikey! Dulce de leche. Flan. Flan like an eagle!

MPS: Baked Alaska.

Ted: Baked Alaska baby! Baby want a baked Alaska? Baby want a baked Alaska?! Dulce de leche? Yeah? (Snorts) Oooooh, daddy sugar!

MPS: (Laughs) Oh, man.

—

MPS: I think you can Hepburn it up even more.

GP: Yeah, Alright, let’s do it.

MPS: You were raised on a million dollar horse farm…

GP: Great.

MPS: Well, that’s not a lot of money anymore. A billion dollar horse farm. That’s a ridiculous horse farm. Somewhere in between.

—

Ted: I like it cause in this version, Carol is also obviously on drugs.

GP: Right. Crazy.

MPS: Ted found her at a bus station.

—

“Sriraching”

Ted: Tyburn Industries: solutions for every occasion.

MPS: One of those was kinda sexy.

Ted: Only one!?

—

Eddy: I said I don’t like vanilla, what are you deaf?

Ted: What a shitty little kid.

Eddy: I know, right!?

Ted: Man, are you hittin’ that perfect.

Eddy: Thanks.

—

“Phone Meeting”

GP: That’s a…wow. Fantastic. What’s next?

—

“Singing Bully 2”

OG: Why, oh why must you children be so reckless with the school’s valued furniture. I must get to class, and it looks like you boys are going to have to answer for this haphazard destruction of school property.

MPS: Great. Let’s try one Mike like he’s already getting back into Eddie Haskell mode. Even though there’s no authority figures around yet.

OG: Right.

MPS: It’s like he’s already getting into character again so he can play the innocent.

OG: Ok. So less Penguin from “Batman Returns.” Got it. Note taken.

MPS: (Penguin voice) Could be worse!

—

Ted: I would never say this about anything else, but if we can inspire a nationwide epidemic of singing bullies, I’ll feel that we’ve done our job.

OG: Lester Holt just comes on NBC Nightly News. “A new trend in bullying.”

Ted: “Tragically another singing bully. This time, Hartford Connecticut. The victims-six children. The song-’Rhinestone Cowboy.’”

—

OG: (Singing) “I wanna hit that hiiiiiiiigh! Yeaeeaaaeeeaaaah!” We’re not gonna get rid of that frog, sorry.

Ted: Carter should see a specialist!

OG: Are you ok? Too many margaritas last night.

—

OG: I’m gonna beat you…(Sings) “Like a rhinestone cowboy!” Sorry…I started too high.

MPS: That was a key change. Yeah. That was the encore key change. The chorus girls come out…

—

—Credits—

View Details

Episode Transcript

Quint from the movie “Jaws” does the narration from “A Christmas Story.”

Ted, Michael, and Gillian discuss what charities to donate to.

Ted, Michael, and Gillian play a new game called “What’s In A Sip?”

“Things You Should Never Ever Say on a First Date…or Probably Ever” is back!

~*~

Credits:

“Quint Does Ralphie: 1”

Quint: Ted O’Gorman

“Charity Conversation”

Ted O’Gorman, Michael Smith, Gillian Pensavalle

“Quint Does Ralphie: 2”

Quint: Ted O’Gorman

“What’s in a Sip”

Ted O’Gorman, Michael Smith, Gillian Pensavalle

“Quint Does Ralphie: 3”

Quint: Ted O’Gorman

“Things You Should Never Say: 4”

V.O./Woman: Gillian Pensavalle, Janice McIntyre

Guy: Ted O’Gorman, Nik Walker

Man: Michael Smith, C. Julian Jimenez

Guy 1: James Monroe Iglehart, Eddy Lee

Woman 1: Aneesa Folds, April Sickler

Prepper: Patrick McCartney

Crotch Woman: Hallie O’Gorman

~*~

This show was produced by Jenson Neal, Gillian Pensavalle, Michael Smith, and Mischief Media. It was edited and sound engineered by Audio Muses.

Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones is a member of the Mischief Media network.

View Details

MPS: Hello hello, welcome to Season 3 of Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith and with me of course is Ted O’Gorman. It has been a while, but man is it great to be back! Ted and I were able to record this whole season from our own homes thanks to those modern recording technologies that we’ve finally gotten up-to-date with. So we’ve managed to stay covid safe and in terms of quality, I don’t think you’d ever know we weren’t in the same room. Right Ted?

(Long pause) Ted? Ted? I can see you bud, but…not a word. Oooookay. Seems like for the first time ever we’re having a little technical difficulty. That was sarcasm. Ted, not sure you can hear me. We’ll just roll right along with the first epis—

Ted: That’s right, man. The quality is unmatched. We haven’t lost a step, even though we’re hundreds of miles away!

MPS: Ahhh, there you go! Ted, I didn’t think you could hear there for a sec. You’re also a little blurry. But I’m glad to see that’s been resolved.

(Long pause) Has it been…? Ted can you hear me now? Ted? Alright, don’t know what’s going on here. We’ll get it sorted out. Without further adieu here’s this season’s first ske–

Ted: Ohhh yeah man you’re coming in crystal clear. Crystal clear. Sharp as a tack, that audio!

MPS: I see what’s happening. Ted, somethings wrong, you’re just on a bit of a delay. I’ll just intro the sketch and then Gillian will troubleshoot your issue. You don’t have to talk anymore. Ok? I’ll take this one bud. Ok, without further adieu–

Ted: Delay, I’d don’t think so. No delay on my end Mike.

MPS: Please be quiet. I promise you’re on a delay and you keep interrupting me when I’m speaking. I’ve got this intro pal. Thanks. This sketch is called Late Night in Billy’s Stomach. We wrote this sketch years ago when we performed–

Ted: Mums the word pal, take it away!

MPS: MOTHER OF GOD!!!

—

“Late Night In Billy’s Stomach”

Announcer:Live from the greatest tummy in the world it’s Late Night in Billy’s Stomach, the only talk show that takes place in the belly of an irresponsible nine year old! Here’s your host: Spearmint Gum!

*Enthusiastic applause

Spearmint: Welcome everyone to another episode of Late Night in Billy’s Stomach. As always, I am your host Spearmint Gum. Please welcome my sidekick: a piece of wax fruit Billy ate back in 2015! So, Waxy, what did you get up to this weekend?

Waxy: Not too much. Hung around, relaxed. Went out to this new bar that opened recently called The Peptic Ulcer. Weird crowd, fun time.

Spearmint: Yeah, I heard about that place, little hole in the wall joint?

*Laughter

Waxy: That’s the one. And let me tell you, I’m no doctor, but Billy is way too young to have an ulcer that can fit a crowd that big! The place was hopping! The stomach lining was out the door! Yowzah!

Spearmint: Sounds colorful.

*Applause

Waxy: He must be in crippling pain!

Spearmint: Let’s hope so! This kid is terrible. Glad to hear The Peptic Ulcer was a good time. I’ll have to check it out. I went to that new Gastric Pub a few days ago. Didn’t love it.

Waxy: Not a fan, huh?

Spearmint: Took forever to get a drink at the bar, and the food was in such small portions.

*Laughter and applause

Spearmint: Hey, look who it is. Let’s say hello to the best band in the biz: Bubblicious and the Rubber Band!

*Musical flourish

Spearmint: Whadda say, Bubs?

Bubblicious: Ohhhhh, hey Spearmint, how’s it stickin’?

Spearmint: Bubblicious we’ve been doing this show for a long time, haven’t we?

Bubblicious: Oh, long time, baby! Since Billy’s 6th birthday, and he’s already nine and a half!

Spearmint: Time flies, right? We’ve broadcasted within several hospitals and reformatories. This kid’s rap sheet and medical history is as diverse as it can get!

Bubblicious: But makes for great TV though, don’t it!

Spearmint: Sure does. Perfect segue, Bubs. Thanks for that. (To audience) We’re thrilled to be broadcasting live for you this evening. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Billy always eats the most interesting guests. Marbles, pennies, evidence of his many heinous crimes, you name it!

Waxy: Kid’s for sure a sociopath! Yowzah!

Spearmint: You know it. Good thing there’s no “NCIS: Billy’s Stomach!” Am I right?

*Laughter

Waxy: (Through laughter) Not yet anyway!

Spearmint: Powdered donut hole is here tonight!

*Applause

Spearmint: Billy swallowed it whole for breakfast this morning. Didn’t even taste it. What an idiot. And later tonight we have the musical stylings of latin rock sensation frijoles negros!

*Applause

Spearmint: Billy ate them last night when his father was on the phone with his mistress! Folks all I’m saying is that if it’s true that some people eat their feelings, Billy must be the most empathetic kid on the planet! He scarfed those beans down quicker than he did that Cotton Candy he ate, back when he found out he was repeating 2nd grade!

Waxy: Yowzah!

*Applause/laughter/rimshot

Spearmint: You know it. But first we thought we’d do a little top eleven list. Let’s try that.

*Theme music and applause

Spearmint: The uh category tonight is “Top 11 Reasons Billy Will Surely Die Before His 13th Birthday.” Billy is 9, and it’s no secret he’s not exactly health conscious. So what we’ve done here is compiled a list of reasons that he will not live to see 13. Here we go, number 11:

11) His imaginary friend is bleach. Number ten.

10) He fell thirty feet out of an oak tree attempting to play quidditch. Number nine.

9) He tried to write his name in the snow with his pee and wound up in Pittsburgh.

Waxy: Hahaha, Pittsburgh.

Spearmint: Number eight.

8) He once tried to climb into the oven telling his mom “I want to see the cookies bake, I want to see the cookies bake.” Number seven.

7) His lifelong dream is to dance with lava. Number six.

6) His affinity for shooting squirrels with his bb gun and swearing to high heaven that squirrels live in his face. Number five.

5) He once poked his trachea swallowing a toothpick and then fell into the pool. Number four.

4) 2 weeks ago, Billy ate shit on a dare. Only it wasn’t a dare. He just ate the shit. It’s true! We had it on the show that night. Good guest. Number three.

3) His love for climbing in bat caves looking for treasure. Even though he is allergic to bats, and caves…and treasure. Number two.

2) He lost a bet for a buffalo nickel that he could successfully vomit into his own asshole.

Waxy: (Over audience laughter) A buffalo nickel? Who even uses those anymore? I’m a little drunk.

Spearmint: And the number one reason Billy will surely die before his 13th birthday:

1)He’s nine, he’s a moron, and someone keeps letting him drive!

*Laughter/applause/musical flourish.

Spearmint: And now it’s time for our first guest tonight. Please welcome a powdered donut hole Billy swallowed at breakfast. Come on out here!

*Applause, music. PDH banters with the audience.

Spearmint: Can’t tell you how excited we are to have you on the show tonight.

PDH: It’s great to be here. How about that band!? Bubblicious and the rubber band, you guys really know how to make a guy feel welcome!

*Applause

Spearmint: Well let’s get right into the questions, shall we? You were swallowed whole this morning. Billy in his infinite wisdom and lack of fear of choking hazards didn’t even attempt to chew you.

PDH: That is correct. He just popped me in and swallowed. I don’t think I hit a single tooth. I mean he gagged a bit, but not much.

Spearmint: Wow! So what happened there?

PDH: Well Billy’s mom was trying to get her son to eat a bowl of heart healthy oatmeal. But he threw a tantrum and kicked her in the shin while sitting at the breakfast table. She screamed in pain, relented and placed a box of me and my buddies on the table for Billy to eat. Then he selected me from the bunch. And when his mother turned her back to check the quickly forming bruise on her shin, he popped me in his mouth while at the same time punching his sister as she sat in her high chair.

Spearmint: Jeez. Well I can’t say that’s surprising.

*Laughter

PDH: That was my first time meeting him, and I gotta say that top 11 list was spot on. He will never see 13. I mean, right after he punched his infant sister he slipped out of his chair and cracked his head on the linoleum floor. He slipped. From a seated position. At the breakfast table. Who does that?!

*Laughter

Spearmint: Well enough about putrid, putrid Billy. Do you have any plans while you’re in town? What are you doing?

PDH: Well, I’m doing a standup show at the Colon Cabana tonight. Kind of a big deal for me.

Spearmint: That’s one hell of a venue. Lot of beautiful gut flora in that venue. I heard the management spared no expense.

PDH: Oh yeah, the venue is great but you’ll always play with the occasional parasite in the audience. But what can you do? Billy eats a lot of undercooked foods.

Spearmint: Ain’t that the truth!

*Laughter

Spearmint: That kid once ate a Salisbury steak he found behind the dumpster at school, or as he calls it his “stronghold.” And boy were the results bad. We called It Apocalypse Cow Reflux! Yikes!

*Laughter

PDH: (Gets sad) It sucks. I was next in line for an order going out to a “Law and Order” shoot. I could be sitting in lovely lovely Mariska Hargetay’s small intestine by now. I hear it’s pristine. And smells of lilacs. Instead…I’m here. You know? Life throws curveballs at you sometimes (Starts crying) oh fuck.

*Audience gasps

PDH: Why didn’t I listen to my donut parents? I could’ve been something tastier like a croissant. I could’ve been a whole donut!

Spearmint: Well thanks for coming by, PDH. This “time to meet the donut” has been well spent!

PDH: Well thank you, Spearmint. This has been a…a real honor.

*Applause, brief exit music.

Spearmint: Well that’s almost all the time we have. This kid’s metabolism can be unpredictable for those of us that are in fact, you know digestible. But first, to play us out, please welcome our musical guest: here to play the title song of their new album, “Sonidos Hacemos Billy Hace” which translates to “Sounds We Make Billy Make.”

Please welcome Latin rock sensation, “Frijoles Negros!”

*Applause. The band begins. It’s just fart noises.

V.O: This has been “Late Night In Billy’s Stomach. Property of the Digestive Broadcasting System, produced by DBS Productions, a subsidiary of Gutcom. See you tomorrow, folks. And remember: if you gotta change, don’t do it chemically.

—

“Ted and Michael Holidays”

MPS: Hi Everyone. As we all know, this last year was such a weird time in pretty much every conceivable way. One of them was we didn’t get to participate in the usual holiday traditions because of the pandemic. For me and Gillian that meant most of our time was spent together because we didn’t want to get family sick. We tried to keep our bubble real small.

Ted: Same for me and Hallie. We didn’t get to see anyone in person for any of the major dates. It was a weird year. Video chats helped but, it’s definitely not the same.

MPS: Gillian and I actually had time to think about our favorite holiday traditions and how we can’t wait to get back to them. So Ted, I know I’m kinda springing this on you, and I know this isn’t something we normally do, but I thought let’s just get sentimental for a little bit and share holiday memories or stories with our listeners. Maybe help people get back into the spirit of celebrating together. Doesn’t that sound good? Doesn’t that sound like we’re doing a little bit of good? Putting a little bit of good out into the world for once?

Ted: Sounds great, man. Sounds great.

MPS: Cool. I’ll start. And you know what, maybe New Years is the best place to start and we can go though the whole year. New Years Eve is a chance to welcome a new calendar of opportunities. A chance to let go of past mistakes, and to look back on the previous year’s accomplishments. And for my money there is no better way to ring in the New Year than by kissing your soulmate at midnight, and that happens to be in my case, my beautiful bride, Gillian. I can’t help it. I’m a mush! Some things are cliche for a reason, you know? Ted how about you? Any New Years-specific memories or traditions?

Ted: That’s beautiful man. Really sweet. Yeah, I suppose my family had some things they did each year. My parents had an annual tradition they celebrated on New Year’s Eve. I’m sure a lot of you had similar things to this: I loved the annual celebration of “Skip the First.”

MPS: I’m sorry, “Skip the first?” What is that?

Ted: I’m sure you guys know this one. That’s when before your parents go out to ring in the new year with their friends your mom gives you a bunch of jelly beans that make you sleepy. Then you sleep right through New Years Day. I admit I lied one year when mom asked how much I weighed. I wanted her to think I was bigger and stronger than I was. What a dope! I ended up sleeping all the way through the 3rd because she thought I needed more delicious, sleepy jelly beans. I woke up in what’s called an “I.C.U.!” I thought it was a game, like “I spy.” No. Even the police came to say hello! Happy Skip the First!

MPS: Ooooooh sweet Jesus. Ted I’m not sure that’s the happy memory you seem to think it is.

Ted: You say tomato I say tomato!

MPS: You just said it the same. You said tomato twice. I can’t. Ok. Let’s just move on. Groundhog Day falls on Feb. 2nd. Not a major holiday, but I happen to like it. And on every Groundhog Day Gillian and I watch, you guessed it, Groundhog Day. The Bill Murray classic is a yearly requirement on Feb 2nd in our home. Ted, I shudder to ask; do you have a tradition for Groundhog day in your family?

Ted: Not so much Groundhog Day per se, but my parents did celebrate a holiday every year in early February.

MPS: Well if it’s weird, just skip it…

Ted: It’s “Outside Pajama Night!” The night where your mom and dad tell you to go outside and find the prettiest stick in the yard. Then they lock you out and you make yourself a bed of leaves in the snow! What’s this holiday always missing? Shoes! You’re the winner if you can get your parents to let you back in the house by the next day’s lunch, after they are done with their adult tomato juices and sparkling O.J.! Tisk tisk! Did you just ask for pancakes? Back outside with you!

MPS: I feel like I’m going to cry. Not because of what happened to you. But because of how stupid you still are to describe that with a smile on your face. Listeners, I wish you could see Ted. It’s fascinating. This guy is grinning ear to ear talking about being left outside by his…so very sad… Let’s move right along. For obvious reasons we’ll be skipping St. Patrick’s day.

Ted: But–

MPS: Right past St. Patricks Day we go! You know what, we’re going through March, April, and May as well. And June! Lets just talk about the 4th of July. How ‘bout that? A time for pool parties, hotdogs, and fireworks. A chance to celebrate some Americana.

Ted: 4th of July! Or as dad calls it: “Clinton Never Served in Uniform Day.” Dad’ll say, “He was too busy getting laid at Oxford on a Rhode’s Scholarship.” Better refill dad’s glass with another 3 fingers of amber happiness, things could turn south any minute. This game is fun! And all the while Mom is upstairs with the air conditioning repair man. When did the air conditioning break? Beats me! What a fun holiday!

MPS: Christ. How about Halloween? Is there anything remotely pleasant about Halloween from your clogged toilet of a childhood? Maybe a costume you remember? A favorite candy? You know, something that won’t make people sad?

Ted: Not Halloween, but the day after was always memorable. November first! “Hairspray Eyes Day!” Your mom and dad are still sleeping in their costumes from the Halloween party they attended the night before. You try to wake up your mom with a request for oatmeal. In response she sits straight up in bed, screams in your face and shoots your eyes full of hairspray from an aerosol can. Oooops! Double whammy on this one. Sure your eyes sting. But, good luck prying them open in front of the mirror with all that sticky hairspray gluing them shut. And here’s a pro tip-don’t try and heat them open with a match! Ouch! We’ve all learned that the hard way.

Mike: Great. Just wonderful. That’s fantastic. Thank you. Thanksgiving was actually always truly my favorite holiday growing up. I loved all the food, but there was just something really special about having the family all together. Ted please ruin Thanksgiving for everyone keeping score at home.

Ted: My favorite Thanksgiving tradition started when I was old enough to sit at the table for all the middle children in the family. Since I’m the only middle kid it was just me there at that little card table in the basement. But I wasn’t alone. I had sawdust to keep me company. When dinner came I got to lick the bag the turkey organs came in. And for dessert I got a whole salted lemon all to myself! Yum yum in my tum tum!

MPS: I shit you not he’s still smiling. Its fucking astounding. Gillian, how would you describe that smile? It’s frozen onto him!

GPS: That’s the smile of a crazy person. That’s the smile that every actor who ever played The Joker tried in the mirror and then looked at himself and said, “Wow dial it back. It’s just The Joker.”

MPS: Yes indeed! Ted, you look utterly insane, old pal. Why don’t we take this full circle and favor us with some batshit crazy Christmas memory. What was the tradition? Did your mother shoot you in the back with marble from a slingshot? Maybe your parents made you eat rocks for dinner? What was it Ted? Cause now I’m making up scenarios in my mind that are worse than… Please tell us…

Ted: Oh, Mike! Christmas Eve will always be special because that’s the night my dad would hand me a saw and say, “All right kiddo, get out there and don’t come home until you’ve taken down at least 8 stop signs!” And he really liked it if I removed them from a four way intersection. He just loved car crashes. Loved it more when they happened on Christmas Eve. I miss that guy.

Mike: Well, luckily your folks live close. Why don’t you go out for a visit?

Ted: My dad said next time he and I are in the same room one of us is leaving in a pine box. I guess that’s a new holiday tradition. You know, because of pine. And winter stuff.

MPS and GPS: Fuuuuuuuck.

MPS: This is why he is the way he is! I’ve told you.

GPS: What is happening? This explains so much.

—

“Sag Bag”

V.O. Hey there! You look a little uncomfortable. Constantly adjusting your pants to keep that hot, sticky ball bag from touching your thigh. And who can blame you? It’s awful to have those ever-simmering testes clinging to your unoffending leg. Introducing the Sag Bag from Tyburn Industries. The Sag Bag wicks away moisture while raising the profile of your scrotum to provide a more youthful testicular portrait. The Sag Bag is effectively the first brassiere for the most intimate of areas. Just listen to these testimonials.

Guy 1: I had a fuckn’ Elmers glue level of stickage going on with my marble sack. Then I found out about the Sag Bag. Couldn’t be happier. These clackers are snug and secure inside a velveteen pouch that feels like an angel’s kiss.

Guy 2: My pebbles were really roasting in my skinny jeans. But with Sag Bag I’m feeling comfortable and my under-luggage has never looked sharper!

Woman: My boyfriend has so much more confidence since he started wearing the Sag Bag. His overall demeanor has changed so much. I mean his dick still doesn’t work, but his balls are like a ten!

Guy 4: For years I fiddled with my own design for a testicular pouch. I tried everything; hand towels, socks, bandanas, twinkie wrappers, a section of tarp, gaffers tape, packing tape, chopsticks, a ladle, a single serve muffin tin, a remote control for my Samsung, the box my wife’s ring came in, a soda bottle cut in half, an old loafer, sandwich bags, sandwiches… Nothing quite worked. But now, with Sag Bag, I feel like I’m walking around with the balls of a 20 year old. Look at that profile. If my balls could talk they’d be singing Lionel Richie’s “Hello.”

Guy 3: Sag bag is great. But Jerry hasn’t come back home yet. Wait what is this for?

V.O. It’s Tyburn Industries’ new sag bag. Keep that diddle satchel off your thigh and have the ball profile you’ve always wanted! Your nugget purse will thank you and your significant other will comment favorably on your newly hoisted plums.

(Legal) Sag Bag is a proud sponsor of the Screen Actors Guild! Sag Bag or it’s subsidiaries are not responsible for any groin injuries endured due to curious onlookers tugging at your sag bag. We recommend that you keep your sag bag tucked inside your pants at all times. Please consult your physician if your testicles begin to sag down the leg of your shorts to the point others can see them. Use Sag Bag only as directed.

—

“Werner’s Fever Dreams”

MPS: Ted.

Ted: Mike.

MPS: So where did we leave off with the now years-long saga of Werner Herzog and his increasingly unhealthy obsession with Steve Zahn?

Ted: I believe Werner was arrested and Steve was rescued, right?

MPS: Yeah, well remembered. But then he broke out.

Ted: Like Arkham Asylum, right.

MPS: Yeah, and he called Steve from a van.

Ted: (Interrupting) With his burner, cellphone. That checks. And he kidnapped the wrong family.

MPS: Kidnapped a perfectly innocent family, thinking it was Steve Zahn’s. Not that the Zahns aren’t perfectly innocent, they just…

Ted: I’m sure they’re as lovely as Steve himself. But the people he kidnapped were not the intended targets, you’re saying.

MPS: Exactly. And Steve calls Werner and tells him he kidnapped the wrong family, and urges him to turn himself in to the police.

Ted: And more importantly, Tom Hanks.

MPS: Exactly. Which…does he? I don’t know! But that’s all you need to know at this point. Listen to this.

*Jeopardy music

Werner: Welcome to the popular, long-running American game show Jeopardy. I am of course your host-Werner Herzog. Today once more, we have a veritable clash of the sorcerers, as we have 3 champions returning. Each having earned centillion dollars even. The contestants are—”That Thing You Do” Steve Zahn.

Zahn: Hi I’m Lenny and I’m from Erie PA.

Werner: “Rescue Dawn” Zahn.

Zahn: The name’s Duane. We’re gonna get out of this. Just stay fuckin’ calm!

Werner: And “Stuart Little 2” Zahn.

Zahn: Yeah, hey.

Werner: You’re all tied for first place in this game, and in my heart. So please choose the first category.

All Zahns: We’ll take, “Zahn-coms” for 500, Werner.

Werner: Answer. He played Tucker opposite a for-once good-looking Matthew McConaghey in “Dallas Buyers Club.” And I must say he was the most captivating Tucker who’s ever Tucking Tucked. No pun intended, but it must have Tuckered him out to have McConaghey win an Oscar by standing on the shoulders of his performance. Matthew, I will meet you in Valhalla and I will right this wrong.

*Buzzer sound

Werner: “That Thing You Do Zahn”

Zahn: Who is…Steve Zahn.

Werner: That is correct.

Zahn: Zahn-coms for 400, Werner.

*Werner wakes up in prison.

Werner: ANSWER! It seems I drifted off just after lockdown. The Friday night instant noodles course always plays havoc with my tummy. I’m sure “Stuart Little 2” Steve would have broken the tie, as he often does. Oh well. Perhaps we should see what’s available on the tiny transistor TV I was gifted by Charles Sheen, son of Martin.

Werner: Zahn passes to Zahn. Zahn in control of the ball, two defenders on him, he moves the ball, the genius of world soccer drives right, and he gets past the third defender, he could pass the ball but of course the world would ask why would Zahn give up control of the ball? … Genius… genius… genius! Goaaalll! Goaaal! I want to cry! Good God, long live soccer! Oh, what a goal! Steve! Zaaaaahhhhaaaaan! I can’t help but crying, forgive me. Steve Zahn in a memorable drive, in the greatest play of all time… an intergalactic lightning bolt. What planet did you come from, to leave so many Englishmen in the dust? To make the whole country into one great, clenched fist, shaking, shouting for Zahn? Zahn 1, England nil. The goal by Zahn was almost as brilliant as when Steve played the role of Marvin in the Eddie Murphy classic “Daddy Day Care.” The movie—a timeless masterpiece. The role—a revelation. The only thing daddy Werner CARES more about…is your comfort and safety. Steve someday soon when I tuck you in after your bedtime story, I will part your untidy hair, after all you’ve been playing on the swingset all day, and I will kiss you goodnight on your forehead. I will turn out the light and sit awake in the rocking chair on the other side of the room and wait for you to wake. But that is for another time. Back to the game. Where the score is Zahn 1, and England Nil.

*Werner wakes up

Werner: GOAL!

NN: Werner, Werner… Hey Werner.

Werner: Wait where…where am I?

NN: It’s ok. You’re still in prison with me. You were talking in your sleep again. You screamed “goal” and started crying. Man, you’re really burning up. Let me get you another cold rag.

Werner: Thank you Nazi Ned. You’re truly a one of a kind cellmate. When I manage to escape again I will send you a nail file baked into a cake. Like in a cartoon Nazi Ned, like in a cartoon.

NN: Sure you will, buddy. Now hush and try and get some rest. Think of happy things. And when you’re feeling better again we can go over my number for the prison pageant. My girl is coming to see me and I want her to be proud.

Werner: Nazi Ned, you’re ready. The steps to Folsom Follies don’t live in your head… they live in your heart. Your performance will be almost Zahn like…(Drifts off to sleep)

NN: Thanks, man.

Werner (Already sleeping): Prisonering is a…complicated…profession.

NN: What a fucking weird dude.

—

MPS: I’d like to dedicate this episode to chair fart sounds: embarrassingly accurate, impossible to replicate. Few things demand as urgent an explanation.

Ted: They’re ruining someone’s first date right now.

MPS: Oh yeah.

—

“Outtakes”

MPS: Ted and I have been working together since we were seventeen, and we used to go to the 24 hour diner and sit there and drink raspberry iced tea and talk about all the different ways that our fledgeling improv/sketch group could do shows and it was so exciting to be there at the beginning of something, and to just like be there with all the possibilities and to just like be creative and from the heart. And I’m just, I’m feelin’ that right now. And I just, I’ve been looking forward to today, and I’m just really really happy so thank you all in advance. There you go.

Ted: Footnote-I’ve never had a sip of raspberry iced tea in my life.

—

Ted: You guys all have much better lighting than I do.

—

“Ted and Michael Holidays”

Ted: I guess that’s a new holiday tradition. You know, because of pine. And winter stuff.

MPS: Fuuuuuuck.

Ted: Mike, can you give that a little bit more body, like “FUUUUUUCK.” Not quite that low, but you know what I’m…somewhere in the middle.

MPS: Fuuuuuuck.

—

MPS: Fuuuuuuck.

Ted: That’s the one.

—

GP: And then how was your (laughs) how was your “Fuck” Mike, so that I’m not…mimicking you.

MPS: Just really…really long and drawn out. Just choose a note. That’s what I did.

GP: Got it.

MPS: Do “Hamilton”!

GP: I know. That’s in my head.

MPS: Oh.

GP: Fuuuuuuuck.

—

GP: Fuuuuuuuck.

—

MPS: Fuuuuuuck.

Ted: Can you go a little longer on that, Mike?

MPS: Mmmhmm.

Ted: Uncomfortably long, maybe? And then dial it back from there?

MPS: Fuuuuuuck.

—

MPS: For me and Gillian that meant most of our time was spent together because we didn’t want to get family sick. I’m gonna take that whole thing again…Hi everyone!

—

Ted: Happy Skip the First!

MPS: My ring light just fell. Which I’m not even using. There we go. Just laid it down gently.

—

“Sag Bag”

JMI: If my balls could talk they’d be singing Lionel Richie’s “Hello. Is it me you’re looking for? You can see it in my balls. You can see it in my smile.”

—

JMI: Not “proud sponsor of the Screen Actors Guild” (Laughs)! I didn’t read that last part! That is so good! THAT’S…now that’s comedy.

—

“Werner’s Fever Dreams”

Ted: …Win an Oscar by standing on the shoulders of his performance. I just did “western New York Werner.” I did “western New York Werner” like a piece ‘a shit.

—

Ted: I can’t help but crying, forgive me. Steve Zahn is a memorable…(coughs)…fuck me.

—

MPS: If I had an index card, I’d throw it.

—

“Late Night In Billy’s Stomach”

*April cries grotesquely

MPS: That’s how a powdered donut hole cries.

—

“Credits”

View Details

Episode Transcript

Ted and Michael unlock more hidden celebrity characters in Super Smash Brothers.

Gillian still has a gun!

A morning show welcomes a diet-pushing hypnotist.

~*~

“Celeb Smash Bros. 6”

V.O.: Ameeta Ganatra, Ted O’Gorman, Michael Smith

Various impressions: Michael O’Gorman

Dora the Explorer: Aneesa Folds

“Gillian Has a Gun 2”

Ted O’Gorman, Michael Smith, Gillian Pensavalle

“Morning Show: Tooth Cake:

Donna: Ted O’Gorman

Kip: Michael Smith

Marius: James Monroe Iglehart

~*~

This show was produced by Jenson Neal, Gillian Pensavalle, Michael Smith, and Mischief Media. It was edited and sound engineered by Audio Muses.

Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones is a member of the Mischief Media network.

View Details

Episode Transcript

A new product satisfies a child’s craving for frosting with some kick!

Method actor Christopher Walken finds himself in the belly of a whale.

Ted and Michael attempt a phone writing session.

The singing bully is in the cafeteria!

~*~

CREDITS:

“Sriraching”:

V.O.: Ted O’Gorman

Mom: Gillian Pensavalle

Kid: Eddy Lee

Candice: Aneesa Folds

“Walken and the Whale”

V.O.: Ted O’Gorman

“Phone Meeting”

Ted O’Gorman

Michael Smith

Carol: Gillian Pensavalle

“Singing Bully 2:

V.O.: Gillian Pensavalle

Desmond: Ted O’Gorman

Harry: Michael Smith

Carter: Mike O’Gorman

~*~

This show was produced by Jenson Neal, Gillian Pensavalle, Michael Smith, and Mischief Media. It was edited and sound engineered by Audio Muses.

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Episode Transcript

A late night talk show takes place in the stomach of an obnoxious nine-year-old.

Ted and Michael share their favorite holiday traditions.

A new product provides support for…some people’s most intimate of areas.

Werner Herzog is back! And he’s very sleepy.

~*~

Credits:

“Late Night in Billly’s Stomach”

Announcer/V.O.: Aneesa Folds

Spearmint: Michael Smith

Waxy: Ted O’Gorman

Bubbilicious: James Monroe Iglehart

Powdered Donut Hole: April Sickler

“Ted and Michael Holidays”

Ted O’Gorman

Michael Smith

Gillian Pensavalle

“Sag Bag”

V.O.: Michael Smith

Guy 1: Ted O’Gorman

Woman: Gillian Pensavalle

Guy 2: Eddy Lee

Guy 3: Andrew Bancroft

Guy 4: James Monroe Iglehart

“Werner’s Fever Dreams”

Werner: Ted O’Gorman

Zahn: Michael Smith

Nazi Ned: Patrick McCartney

~*~

This show was produced by Jenson Neal, Gillian Pensavalle, Michael Smith, and Mischief Media. It was edited and sound engineered by Audio Muses.

Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones is a member of the Mischief Media network.

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Season Three of Ted and Michael Read Sketches into Microphones will be available on all podcast platforms on January 11th, with new episodes every Tuesday.

Season Three features the voice talents of Aneesa Folds, James Monroe Iglehart, Nik Walker, Eddy Lee, Andrew Bancroft, Julian Jiménez, Janice McIntyre , Patrick McCartney, Emmanuel Polycarpe , April Sickler, Mike O’Gorman, Hallie O’Gorman, and Gillian Pensavalle.

You can find full credits, episodes, transcripts, and more at TedandMichael.com.

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Episode Transcript Robert DeNiro doesn’t know who he is.

We present a scene that only works in a visual medium.

A new fraud kit is perfect for emotionally manipulative parents.

Ted and Michael go to sleep in their new bunk beds.

*Cast and Credits:*

“I’m Robert DeNiro” Robert DeNiro: Ted O’Gorman

Joe Pesci: Michael Paul Smith

Nurse: Gillian Pensavalle

Doctor: Hallie O’Gorman

Martin Scorcese: Nik Walker

“Scenes For A Visual Medium: Monsters”

V.O: Gillian Pensavalle

Anchor: Michael Paul Smith

Reporter: Alison Levering Wong

Producer: Ted O’Gorman

“‘You Broke Something’ Fraud Kit”

Mom: Gillian Pensavalle

Kids: Ted O’Gorman, Michael Paul Smith

“Bed Time”

Michael Paul Smith, Ted O’Gorman

Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones: Recent Episodes

Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones