Quick and Dirty Marriage Podcast: Recent Episodes
Dale and Heather Aceron
A short, honest, funny and to the point podcast about marriage, family and relationships. Hosts Dale and Heather share what they've learned since saying "I Do" back in 1999 and hope you will join in on listening to the conversations.
"Life in the Mental Health unit was definitely surreal for me!"
In this episode, we chat more with Gabbie about the realities of what it was like being in a mental health unit for a few weeks, and, how as much as she didn't want to be there, she knew it was what she needed to do in order to become healthy again.
We hope you find this episode helpful and as always, if you have any questions, please do ask us at quickanddirtymarriage@gmail.com or DM us on Instagram at @quickanddirtymarriage.
Please consider supporting the show by clicking this link.
Knowing what we know now, and looking back at all these years, all the signs were on the wall. We saw what was going on with her, had the "gut feelings", but didn't do anything about it. We could have intervened earlier in her life but didn't. And we're devastated by it.
In this episode, we chat more with Gabbie about some of the warning signs that we as parents ought to more pay attention to. These are some of the very things that led up to her eating disorder and mental health issues.
We hope you find this episode helpful and as always, if you have any questions, please do ask us at quickanddirtymarriage@gmail.com or DM us on Instagram at @quickanddirtymarriage.
Please consider supporting the show by clicking this link.
Just like Heather and I, every other parent wants nothing more than to enjoy a healthy and thriving family. From the beginning, their goal is to raise kids who are healthy, respectful, and most of all, loving. They want nothing more than to have a family who loves each other and supports each other throughout their entire lives, hoping to avoid any major issues or pitfalls throughout their lives.
But what happens when everything seems fine on the surface, but under the covers, there's so much more that's happening that's gone undetected for weeks, months or even years?
In this episode, we chat with a very special guest about their long battle with mental health disorders and how they decided to start their journey of healing.
We hope you find this episode helpful and as always, if you have any questions, please do ask us at quickanddirtymarriage@gmail.com or DM us on Instagram at @quickanddirtymarriage.
Please consider supporting the show by clicking this link.
After 21+ years of marriage and 25 years of parenting, we want to share a few tips and tricks that we've learned along the way in dealing with our kids during trying times.
This can really help for parents with kids who struggle with ADHD.
We talk about:
- Transitions and Timers
- Noticing the Good, and Positive Reinforcement
- Spreading the Attention around
- Ignoring the Whining and Complaining
- Foundation: Consistency
We hope you find this episode helpful and as always, if you have any questions, please do ask us at quickanddirtymarriage@gmail.com or DM us on Instagram at @quickanddirtymarriage.
Please consider supporting the show by clicking this link.
Are you walking on egg shells around your spouse?
Are you scared to share your ideas or dreams with them?
Are you tired of hearing NO every time you suggest even the smallest thing?
You are married to a close minded thinker and it's damaging your marriage.
BUT...there's good news. And in this episode, we talk about a few things you BOTH can do to acknowledge the issue in a safe way, and then work towards strengthening your marriage by hearing and saying YES more often.
We hope you find this episode helpful and as always, if you have any questions, please do ask us at quickanddirtymarriage@gmail.com or DM us on Instagram at @quickanddirtymarriage.
Please consider supporting the show
Learning the difference between sympathy and empathy, and how to use them in your parenting.
Words you can use when your child is having a hard time:
- "I see you are having a hard time"
- "I hear you that you are sad."
- "I feel that you need a hug"
- "What can I do to help you?"
We hope you find this episode helpful and as always, if you have any questions, please do ask us at quickanddirtymarriage@gmail.com or DM us on Instagram at @quickanddirtymarriage.
Please consider supporting the show
MARRIAGE MONDAY EPISODE: "Where did our Friendship Go?"
We started dating, got engaged, got married, had kids, started a family and then...we lost our friendship in the process. What gives?
If you are feeling alone in your relationship with your spouse and wondering where things went wrong, consider the idea that you may have prioritized other things throughout the years and have now lost your friendship in the process.
Consider this to be a time where you can both decide to start working on your friendship again by starting with a few ideas that we share in our latest conversation.
We hope you find this episode helpful and as always, if you have any questions, please do ask us at quickanddirtymarriage@gmail.com or DM us on Instagram at @quickanddirtymarriage.
Please consider supporting the show
FAMILY FRIDAY EPISODE
Do you dread the holidays? As in, Thanksgiving isn't until 5 more days and you are already sweating with stress and anxiety? Yeah, us too.
Don't get us wrong, we love the holidays. The food, the fun and especially the family. But then there's also the family. Not that we don't enjoy being with our family, but sometimes it can get quite hairy scary! Especially if one, and in our case a few of our kids, struggle with ADHD and other mental disorders.
This conversation is centered around some of our past experiences in dealing with the holidays prior to understanding the ramifications of these disorders, but then we also go into a few tips and tricks that we've learned along the way in hopes that someone else may benefit from our long journey.
We hope you find this episode helpful and as always, if you have any questions, please do ask us at quickanddirtymarriage@gmail.com or DM us on Instagram at @quickanddirtymarriage.
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MARRIAGE MONDAY EPISODE
"I can't take this anymore?" Have you ever asked yourself that question? No? How about any of these questions?
When will I decide that enough is enough?
How much abuse can I really take?
At what point will I call it quits?
We've been there before. Right where you are. A time and place where you are questioning yourself, "what went wrong in my marriage?" We know the pain staking agony that you are feeling day in and day out. Where you just want it to end. All the lies, the deceit and the abuse. We have felt all of that. And it SUCKS!
How would you like to know when it will end? We have a great conversation about a time in our marriage when it all fell apart and the end was near. Our hopes is that after listening to this episode, it will provide some clarity and hopefully some relief in your current situation.
*Please be advised, the following episode contains strong language, which may be unsuitable for children.
If you have any questions, please email us at quickanddirtymarriage@gmail.com or follow us on Instagram at @quickanddirtymarriage.
NEW FAMILY FRIDAY EPISODE: Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a neurodevelopmental disorder affecting both children and adults around the world.
And with October being ADHD Awareness Month, we are going to be dedicating the next 5 Family Friday Editions focusing and bringing attention to ADHD with hopes that we can shed a bit of light onto the disorder with our journey with it, and in some ways, attempting to normalize it in order to help you not feel alone with your struggles as well.
In this episode, Heather and I (Dale) had a good chat discussing how I have struggled with ADHD for most of my life, why I decided to finally get tested for it, and what has happened ever since.
Have you struggled with ADHD? Or maybe you think you have it, but aren't really sure you do. This episode just may answers some questions you may have about it.
We hope you find this episode helpful and that you tag and share it with 3 people who may benefit from it as well.
Notice the Good
Looking for a quick win in your marriage? When you notice the good in your marriage, you will not only see your relationship improve, but your spouse will develop into the person they were created to be.
When you speak to their future person, and tap into their potential, you will very quick find that they will rise up to who you are calling them out to be. BUT, when you constantly cut their legs from under them and devalue them as a person, they will lower themselves and meet those expectations.
Point them in the right direction and begin building a strong sense of worth for them.
Contact Us: Got Questions? Email us at quickanddirtymarriage@gmail.com
The pandemic is all around us. And it's affecting everyone in so many different ways. First there's the sickness itself, which has sadly lead to loss of life for many. There's the effects of school and job loss and it's security. And then there's one aspect that is not being talked about too much and it's how are people coping with all the loss that we are all experiencing.
In this episode, Heather and I share some 'Real Talk' when it comes to our own struggles, and also offer some simple ways in which you and your spouse can step back and learn how to cope with it together.
Got Questions? Email us at quickanddirtymarriage@gmail.com
Book References:
The Happiness of Pursuit by Chris Guillebeau
Unfuk Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life*
Gary John Bishop
3 Ways to Survive Self Isolation with your Spouse
Isn't this kinda crazy? How the entire world is having to witness, experience and live out this COVID-19 Pandemic together?
People sick, others are dying, countries are in lock down and schools and workplaces are shut down. It's some difficult times we are living in, but there are ways in which we can do this successfully.
Like many of you, I (Dale) am working from home as well. And if it wasn't for our time in the Philippines where we experienced similar living and working arrangements, we'd still be trying to figure this out.
In this episode, we want to share with you 3 ways in which you and your spouse can survive self isolation, and do it successfully!
Love is not...Sacrificing.
One foundation that is super important in a marriage is sacrifice. Love cannot thrive without a healthy level of sacrifice between both husband and wife. However, there are different types of sacrifice that you must be able to manage.
Sacrificing your Time, Money, and Effort.
When you give of your time, money and effort to your spouse, those fall in perfectly line with the 5 Love Languages. And that's important in any marriage. In fact, that's how you work on and get your relationship up to the next level. This is considered good sacrifice.
Sacrificing Yourself.
When you lose who you are for your spouse, that's considered a bad sacrifice. You, as an individual, have values, morals, other relationships, beliefs, likes, dislikes and so many other aspects that make up who you are. And as much as when two become one on your wedding day, you are still you and you should protect that.
Love is not...Control
Believe it or not, no one likes to be controlled. Especially in a marriage relationship.
Wrongly, there are times where we feel that in order to be loved more, we must control more, when in fact, it's the exact opposite.
In this episode, we chat about how to spot the signs of control whether you are the one controlling your spouse, or, you are the one being controlled.
Love is not...Selfish
Do you feel as though you keep giving into your marriage and there's nothing in return? Like you're being taken for granted?
Or maybe it's is like a tug of war where you do something for yourself then your spouse has to do something for them self to make it equal? Like you buy a nice shirt so then your spouse goes out and gets her nails done? It's tiring living this way. So what do you do?
Simple. A conversation. And here are some guidelines:
- bring up the conversation when things are good
- "Can we please chat about something?"
- don't accuse
- Avoid calling them names
- use "I" statements
- "I've been feeling unappreciated lately"
We don't fight. We used to, but we don't fight anymore. We figured that out in the beginning of our marriage and thank God we did early on.
However, we certainly disagree, we argue and from time to time, we get out of sorts with each other. Most often, we catch it early, lay it on the table, have good discussion and continue on our merry way. Usually that's the case. But sometimes, it sneaks below our radar and wreaks havoc. And there's a typical cause to that.
Checkpoint: How well are we filling each other's love tank?
What Really is True Love?
So you think you're in love. What does that really mean? Like really?
Too often, couples associate love with how they feel. We, however, have a different view of love. And it has NOTHING to do with feelings.
Heath of the Heart Series
Part 2 - Hurt and Anger
Anger is a symptom of hurt that lives deep inside of you. Without addressing your past hurts, you will continually hurt your spouse, even for the smallest of things. So how then do you overcome this destructive behavior?
Follow the following Four Step Process
- 1) Identify who you're angry with
- 2) Determine what they owe you
- 3) Cancel the debt by forgiving them
- 4) Don't let anger build up again
HEALTH OF THE HEART SERIES - Part 1
Maybe, just maybe, the reason you and your spouse feel disconnected is the amount of guilt and shame that's come in between you two. But what do you do to overcome the gap?
We've been away for about 8 months without a single Podcast Episode and now we're back! But where the heck dd we go? This Episode is a summary of where we've been and what's next with the Quick and Dirty Marriage Podcast.
Bad Habits We do this all the time. THINK. And it's a bad habit when it comes to relationships.
- We think we know what they want
- We think they know how we feel
- We think, "Of course he knows what to do"
And that's a bad habit and it leads to too many problems.
Stop Thinking Have you ever wanted to be intimate with your partner and just thought they knew what you wanted? So you didn't say anything about it and just assumed it was going to happen...and it didn't. And then you got disappointed, frustrated and then ignored them because of it? And now they're left in the dark thinking, "What did I do?"
STOP THAT!
Start Talking Stop thinking. If you want something, if you need them to know how you feel, if you want to avoid a lot of these issues, then just ask or just talk. It will solve almost 99% of your problems.
No one can read minds.
It's Tough Breaking up with your Ex and then trying to live your life afterward. Especially when the relationship wasn't ideal towards the end. Dealing with pain, regret and most of all hurt.
So what do you do? How do you 'get over' them?
- Severe the Toxic Relationship
- Surround yourself with people who love you
- Counseling is always helpful when needed
- Look forward to, and set Positive Goals for yourself
- Forgiveness
NEW! You can now watch this Episode on YouTube
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Trust is built with Transparency. And that is evident when it comes to Dating and Social Media. And more specifically, allowing each other to have access to your Social Media Accounts.
As your dating relationship progresses and begins to move into a more serious one, the subject of access to each other's accounts may come up.
If you are unwilling to share, your partner may begin to question why. On the flip side, if you are willing to share, trust is built by being transparent with each other.
What are you hiding?
Too often, and usually in younger people, we hear the saying "You Complete Me!" It's this false idea that someone else in your life will complete you. It's as if to say that I am less when I am single, but now that I have that special one, they are the finishing touch to make me and my life complete and whole.
Run as far away from thinking as you can!
You don't NEED to be with someone. And in fact, them bringing their broken stuff over into your life will only complicate you, and NOT complete you.
Instead, try shifting your thinking. Look at your partner and ask, "Do they compliment me?"
We all have needs in a Relationship. Legit ones like:
- Love
- Trust
- Security
- Respect
- ...and more
But what happens when other things are masked as needs, but in turn, are really just high expectations? Things like:
- He needs to see me at least 3 times a week (dating)
- We need to hold hands while walking around
- She needs to call me at 12 noon every day
- He needs to say "I Love You" every night
- ...and SO MUCH MORE!
Unmet Expectations Those high expectations, when unmet, are the start of a toxic relationship and become a way for each other to control your partner.
Are you in a Toxic Relationship? If you feel you are in a toxic or controlling relationship, who really need to assess your relationship and whether or not you are willing to continue in these patterns.
When is the Best Getting engaged, or married for that matter, by a certain age or number of years you've been in your relatiponship puts nothing put pressure on the both of you. Those numbers are simply arbitrary and should never be used as a time to get engaged.
Instead, you must first identify what it looks like to live your ideal marriage.
Choose your own Adventure Some younger couples who have yet to figure out what their school or career path even looks like might experience more challenges along the way if they get married early, versus a couple who has it 'figured out'.
If you are in a serious relationship, you have the luxury of deciding the level of struggles you both will experience. It's like a choose your own adventure.
Married early=more struggles, married later=less struggles.
Our Struggles We chose the road of getting married and going to college with 2 young kids. That was HARD! And if we could do it all over again and keep our family together, you betcha we would have waited to get married.
There's a good chance that you may know someone who is part of a blended family. They might be a step child, foster child, someone who is adopted and any other relationship that is not blood related. Or, you might be part of a blended family yourself.
We want to drive the point home that it is SO important to maintain a healthy relationship with their Bio families...when possible. If you are the parent, it is your responsibility to foster healthy relationships.
As we go on in life, we get used to our family dynamics growing up. But what happens when we get married? How do we bring two different worlds together and function in a way that's best for our new family?
Don't mess up their Jam!
3 Things you can do to Win Their Respect when entering into a relationship when a child(ren) is already there.
- Don't take Dad's place
- Win the child's heart
- Respect the system and relationship
In Relationships where there is a child involved and the Relationship can longer exist, how should you treat your Ex?
Time and time again, typically we've seen Ex Wives or Ex Girlfriends make it a point to make the lives of their child's Father a living hell. They threaten to withhold their child from them, or bad mouth them in front of their child and "take them to the ringers" and as far as Child Support is concerned. But, there's a different way. One that allows the Ex to lead their relationship with their child. And there's so much freedom with it.
So what do you do now? How do you move forward now that life looks a bit different than what it used to look like? Especially after Mental Health issues have now entered into your life and it's out in the open?
Some of the things we chat about in this Episode is:
a) Learn to adjust with your partner
b) It's ok to look after yourself
As far as the Roles and Responsibilities are concerned, who does what when Mental Health is involved? It's a big question to answer, and when answered correctly, could launch your relationships into a healthy state that's worth the hard discussions about it.
There are 2 people involved, the person who is struggling and the one who is 'healthy'. However in some cases, like ours, both may struggle with Mental Health issues which creates more conversations to be had.
The one very key and important distinction when it comes to Roles and Responsibilities is that the one who is'healthy' one is not qualified to provide the proper help and guidance. That is, of course, unless they are a trained professional. But that's an edge case situation.
It is the Responsibility of the one who is struggling to seek the proper care and counseling, and it's the Role of the "healthy" one to provide whatever support is needed.
In talking about Mental Health in Marriages, there's a question you need to tackle when one of you, or both of you, decides to finally admit that you are struggling mentally.
And that question is this:
"What does our NEW normal look like?"
We chat about our journey in finding our new normal and how you can get better clarity around this hard question.
We hope you enjoy this episode!
Mental Health Problems are very real. And although neither of us are trained psychologists, we have been dealing with this long battle for many years now. Adjustments have needed to be made, capacities have been altered and it's wreaked havoc in our marriage...but we're managing it, successfully.
In this Episode, we chat about one of the main things we have learned to do to not only manage the Mental Health struggles but also to live with it and keep our marriage strong and connected.
It's way too easy to keep things hidden in the closet. Some even choose to hide them behind closed doors or even swept under the rug. That way you never have to deal with them right? Besides, it'll probably just go away over time, no one will notice and it's too hard to talk about them anyways. It's probably easier if we just leave them alone. Wrong!
You only really have 2 options:
- Ignore the hard stuff at all costs and hope they all go away
- Deal with them early on and build a great foundation from there
Regardless which option you choose, it will be painful, hurtful and extremely difficult. The difference is, do you want it to stick around for the long haul, or simply take your hits and push through them as soon as you can?
When you first plan to get married, kids are usually not the first thing you think about or even discuss. There's the actual wedding planning itself, perhaps traveling the world comes into the conversation, of course there are careers and when all that is done, kids come into the picture. And from our experience, the aspect of raising kids is one of the hardest yet most rewarding.
There are SO many aspects of raising kids that one would wonder where to even begin. Things such as babies, diapers, toddlers, school, teenagers sports, jobs, activities and the list goes on. But what about the subject of dating? When do you even start talking about that? Before they start dating or while they are dating? From our point of view and through our experience, we believe it's both.
There are so many things we can do alone. Play a game of Solitaire, go to the gym to workout, travel, and even bake a cake. But there’s certainly one thing you should never do solo, and that’s your relationship with your partner. Think of it. Every day, you both venture in this thing called life, and every day is one new step.
- The first time you go on a date
- The day you propose
- The moment you take your baby from the hospital
- …and the list is endless
Now you can definitely learn as you go. Which is not a terrible way to go about it. Learning from your mistakes, adjusting as you go and of course, venturing into the new and experiencing it all. For years and years, many people have lived this way and have been successful at it.
But, what if you didn’t have to do it this way?
What if there was another option? A way that would allow you to navigate through life avoiding some of the hardships and pain alongside people who have gone through the same experiences. And those people would be in the form of either a Counselor, Mentor, or even both working together.
In this Episode, we talk about the differences between a Counselor and a Mentor and how they both can help you get through life.
If you are in a relationship right now and are wanting to take it to the next level, consider finding and connecting with either a Counselor, a Mentor, or better yet, both!
If the idea of a Mentor is something you would like to explore, please consider us as an option. We now have a Resource available to you and would love to chat with you about the possibilities of us working together.
If you’ve ever heard our story, you’ll know that our Mentors have played a HUGE role in saving us from divorce early on in our marriage.
Click below if you would like us to be your Mentors and walk this journey called Marriage with you.
Find a Mentor
Constantly sitting on your relationship issues after you've dealt with them is a sure fire way of never moving forward. It's almost guaranteed that the life you desire will always stay within reach if you don't have a plan in place to get past your current situation.
3 Things To Plan For After you have discussed and gone through all the pain and heartache of betrayal, what next? What are the next steps you both should take? Here are 3 things that we have done that you may want to start with:
- Spend time, away if possible.
- Plan for check-ins.
- Avoid the word 'Divorce'.
Breaking someone's trust is painful. Not only that, they feel betrayed, unsafe and unsure of what you say or do next. They will second guess you for the next little while, or, in some cases, forever. But it doesn't have to be that way. When you begin the journey of Rebuilding Trust in your Relationship by first Deciding to Love your partner, the next step is to Forgive AND Be Forgiven.
Forgiving someone is much like loving someone. It's a choice. And it's one that you must commit to making daily if you are determined to make your relationship better. When you choose to forgive your offender, you are not simply saying it's ok, instead, you are freeing yourself from holding a grudge against that person and releasing them from the offense. You choose to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
When trust is broken, it does not mean the relationship is over or unstable. It just means there's work for both of you to do if you want to make it work. Begin the journey of Rebuilding Trust in your Marriage.
Trust makes people feel safe. And in a relationship, when it begins on a firm foundation of trust, you both live a life free from deception, assumption and overall heartache.
Over the next few weeks, we are going to talk about specific things you BOTH can do to begin the long journey of rebuilding Trust in your Marriage.
- Deciding to Love (for the one whose trust was broken)
- Let go of the past.
- Force yourself NOT to play the broken record of what happened.
- Choose to move on.
- Decide to love your spouse.
- See your partner for WHO they are, not what they've DONE.
- The decision to love is a good one if your partner has made that decision as well.
Are you losing the war against screentime? Do you kick, scream and shout when your kids are locked behind their screens for hours? Are you so sick of it that you want to rip your hair out?
There is nothing worse than seeing the back of your child's device...all the time!
When you try to talk to them and all they answer with is "yup...uh-huh...oh ok!" Which translates to, "Sorry I'm not listening to you. I'm kinda busy at the moment." When this happens over and over, 2 things are happening and will happen:
- Your kid is so addicted to their screen that they don't even realize it
- Your relationship with them will deteriorate over time because of all the arguments that WILL happen
But there is good news! It doesn't always have to be a fight. You don't have to take their device away. In fact, let them keep their device, but then do this one thing.
Take Control.
That's right, control! Remember, you are the parent. You are the one who pays for the internet. You set the rules and you also enforce them. But it doesn't have to be forceful, loud or with yelling and fighting. In fact, you can take control of screentime all with the push of a button.
Your Lifesaver Introducing, the Circle by Disney. AKA, your new lifesaver. What does the Circle do?
- Manage Every Device: Circle recognizes and manages every device on your home WiFi
- Set Time Limits: Create daily time limits on apps and popular sites like Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and YouTube.
- Filter Content: Set individual filter levels by age (Pre-K, Kid, Teen, and Adult) for each member of your family.
- Discover Insights: See where your kids spend the most time online by app and category.
- Pause the Internet: Pause the Internet for a single family member or the whole family with a single tap.
- Online usage at a glance: See where your kids spend time online by app and category.
This stroke of genius will do the following for you and your home:
- Eliminate the yelling, screaming and arguing
- Lessen the stress around parenting
- Give you your control back
- Free your kids to be more creative AND productive
- Bring peace!!!
But don't just take our word for it, buy it and try it for yourself. Click this link to get it from Amazon today! And if you do, let us know how it works for you.
Parenting is hard. And it's worse when you hurt your kids. But there's good news. There's always good news. You can say sorry to them and make things right. Not only do you make things right, you also prove to them that your relationship is more important than always being right.
In this Episode, we chat about the importance of creating a habit of saying sorry to your kids when you hurt them, when you screw up, when you mess up and 100 other reasons why you should apologize.
ONE KEY: As often as you can, model an attitude of reconciliation by apologizing to your kids as often as possible.
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We all want things. But for some people, they feel they are entitled to whatever it is they want and feel as though they deserve it all. And that can make for very difficult relationships and a whole lot of disappointment.
Entitlement is a killer. And it starts at such a young age. But unfortunately, in most cases, it starts with parents. When parents hear words like:
"You owe me!"
"I want this now!"
"I deserve to have it!"
Parents hear those words and have 2 options, deny what they demand and walk them through the struggle, or, give them what they want in order to avoid any arguments. Sadly, most parents choose the second option in hopes that this will help their kids, not knowing they are creating habits in their life that will affect them in their relationships later in life.
Struggle is a good character builder. Allowing your kids to struggle will empower your kids to become more responsible, build confidence, develop a strong work ethic and become more grateful.
The One Key: Learn to say NO and teach them responsibility as early as possible.
The balance between Marriage and Kids is one of the toughest jobs one can accept. It's not one for the faint of heart. But it's one of the most rewarding.
No one comes into a marriage wanting to lead a child-centered home. But sometimes it happens so fast that one wouldn't even see the warning signs coming.
Some dangers of a child-centered home include ignoring your marriage in place of your kids, decreasing sexual intimacy as a result of kids sleeping in your bed, and worst of all, raising kids who have no idea how to deal with disappointment, failure, and rejection. But worst of all is raising kids until they grow up and move out of your house only to leave you and your wife not knowing who you are anymore. It's tragic.
So then what? Focusing on leading a Marriage Centered home with a healthy balance between parents and kids.
The Health of a Marriage determines the Happiness and Security of your children.
They are around you. Toxic people and toxic relationships. The question is, how do you manage them in a healthy manner?
This article describes 8 Things the Most Toxic People in your Life have in Common. It’s a good article and we think you should read it. Primarily because it allows you to identify certain traits in someone who may be toxic.
If someone in your life is either toxic or has toxic tendencies, we feel that in order to keep the relationship intact as best as you can, is to keep these in mind.
- Create detailed and specific Boundaries. For example, We can meet, but only for 60 minutes and in a public setting.
- Get to a place of Forgiveness. Which is different from saying the offense or behavior is ok.
- If trust is broken, it must be earned back
- Remember to do what you need to do in order to keep yourself healthy
- Support your Partner by listening to their struggles with someone toxic in their life. Avoid jumping on the negative train and blasting the other party. This does not help…at all!
Do you know when you most feel loved? Like actually? Because it's important. Especially when you're in a relationship. Because love can be so complicated, simplifying it and understanding your own personal love language can prove to be quite advantageous.
Love Language What's a Love Language? Simply put, Your Love Language is your primary love language. To feel really loved, some people respond to encouraging words, some are more sensitive to gifts and actions, some to physical touch, and others to time spent together.
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There are so many variables that come into play when it comes to relationships. Discovering what they are is the first priority. And the second, and most of all, is understanding what those variables and challenges are and how to manage them. Nothing affects two people in a relationship more than their personalities.
Do you know your personality type?
Have you ever wondered how it affects your relationship with your partner?
What is your Personality Type? If you are looking for a quick way to figure out if you are an Introvert or Extrovert, this article by Huff Post is a good read. Click here to read the article. But if you are looking for a simple and free test to figure out what your personality type is, this is the test that Heather and I took.
Take the Free 16 Personalities Test
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Newsflash, you will never agree on absolutely everything. It's near impossible. Because you both are 2 different people with 2 different points of views, you will eventually come to a place where you don't see eye to eye and are faced with either fighting it out or ignoring it and not dealing with it all. Both of these solutions are destructive and can only lead to a disconnect in your relationship.
But there's good news! There's another way...
One of the major killers in our relationship used to be Conflicts and Arguments. We had no idea how to discuss things respectfully in a calm and peaceful manner. It was always 0-100 in 2 seconds flat when either of us was upset about something.
Thankfully though, we understood the importance of placing healthy boundaries in the context of how we argued. Some of those boundaries that we still use today are:
- Never bring up past arguments
- Talk respectfully to each other
- Never argue when you are tired
- Take breaks when things get too heated
We encourage you both to talk to each other when things in your relationship are going well. Then agree on some healthy boundaries around arguing and also, write them down so you both can see them and are aware of them.
Once you both master this aspect of your marriage, it will be like heaven on earth and your arguments will substantially lessen over the years.
If we can do this, so can you!
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Guys need to understand that in order to have a great sex life with your wife figure out what she likes, and SLOW IT DOWN. Find ways throughout the day to kick start her mood and her desire for you, so that by the time you get home from work, she's already emotionally connected with you and the level of intimacy has already started!
Here's a few things for you think about:
- Kissing her in the morning
- Giving her a hug, and then walking away
- Send flirtatious text messages and Emojis
- Help out with the kids when you get home
- Taking care of hygiene before bed
- Freshen up before bed
- Create an atmosphere
One Key
We want you to walk away from this episode and talk to your spouse about what is acceptable and enjoyable in bed. Once you are in agreement, we believe that there are no boundaries, except the things that either of you are uncomfortable with. Respect each other, agree on things and sex will become a beautiful thing that you both can look forward to.
Once you cross a boundary, it becomes easier to cross it again. And once that begins, the lines keep moving farther and farther out until you become desensitizedto the dangers around you. Best Sex Married people should be having the best sex, but when this topic comes up, many couples are struggling in this area and sex is usually the first casualty to drop when it comes to other problems in marriage. Boundary
- What are you feeding your mind?
- What fantasies are you having?
- What thoughts are you bringing into the bedroom?
All those things play a huge part when it comes to becoming sexually unsatisfied with your partner.
The One Key: Have an open and honest conversation with your spouse about what boundaries need to be put in place as far as what you watch, the music you listen and anything else that would hinder you from having a deep and intimate your marriage
Too often we think that relationships with the opposite sex can be harmless. But then you end up going for JUST coffee, and then it's JUST lunch, which turns into JUST dinner, and then it's JUST talking in your car and before you know it, you both find yourself JUST in bed together wondering how this could have happened.
We recommend you Affair Proof your Marriage with Boundaries when it comes to the opposite sex. It's not like you can't have a relationship with them, it just might look a bit different. And the main thing we advise is to NEVER be alone with them. Too many things can happen and in the end, it's not worth throwing your marriage away for the sake of a friendship.
The One Key: Spend some time with each other and discuss and agree on areas in your relationship where you need to set boundaries in place. These can be new ones, or they can even be boundaries that have been crossed in the past, and now you need to put them in place.
There's no other time in history where we've been so bombarded with the many distractions of life. From our jobs, to our families, and most of all, to Social Media, we need to get back to being intentional at combatting those distractions in order to have strong and healthy Relationships.
How does one stay desirable their spouse through the entirety of a marriage? * Desirable to your Husband * + Be his Cheerleader and Biggest Fan + - Appreciation - * Thank him for what he does * Taking notice of who he is - Support and Encouragement - * Support for the hard things he goes through * Meetings, Races, Decisions, Dreams and Goals * He will know you are there for him
- Desirable to your Wife
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- Create and Provide Safe Environments for your Wife
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- Physically
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- Strong Protector
- Strong Presence
- Sexually
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- Thoughts are just for your spouse.
- Build Trust. Without it, they stay closed and Sexy Time is less frequent
- Send Messages - "Good Morning" "I love you"
- Constant Affirmations - Feeling secure that she is the only one on your mind
- Emotionally and Mentally
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- Trust. Tell everything, even if it hurts.
- To make mistakes without ridicule
- Laugh and be silly
- Be her authentic self
- Strong Tower - Handle it when she is feeling down
- Spiritually
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- Respect Different beliefs
The One Key that you can take away from this episode: * Woman: Be your husbands Number One Cheerleader and their biggest fan * Men: Create and Provide a Safe Environment Physically, Sexually, Mentally, Emotionally and Spiritually
Doing these simple things will keep you desirable to your spouse through the entirety of your marriage.
In this Episode, we chat about the core need of a woman and what that looks like when it's implemented in a relationship.
The One Key Women need security and love. Women feel most secure when they are married to a sacrificial, caring man. * Guys: Ask your Wife "What does love look like to you?" * Ladies: Write your list and share it with them. * Guys: APPLY IT!!!
Break the Crazy Cycle of a Disrespectful and Unloving Marriage.
When a man loves his wife unconditionally, the woman will respect his man, which will simply cycle into a beautiful and amazing marriage relationship.
The concept is Simple.
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What Heather came to understand was that when exposed to an environment where respect is abused, demanded and used as a way to control, the exact opposite occurs and it breeds an undercurrent of resentment and contempt.
Extend kind words and being polite was about as much trust and respect Heather was willing to give up.
I had noticed by just being polite, Dale's heart towards Heather started to open up and he would become more kind with his words. Then in Heather's respect experiment, she started to do kind things for him and as she extended a little more trust and respect, his heart opened up even a little more and they started to get a bit of momentum going. At the same time rebuilding trust.
Respect spills into everything.
Here are a few examples:
- Not undermining your husband's parenting style.
- Ask your kids, "what does Dad say about that?"
- Finances - learn to agree with how you spend our money
- Avoid nagging
- Give him space and time to spend on his hobbies
- ...and more!
As much as Men like to be and feel loved, as a core, they need to feel respected.
The One Key
Wives, ask your Husband: What does respect look like to you?
Guys, write your list and share it with your spouse.
In today's Episode we want to share a few different fight styles and how destructive they are, BUT, we also give you simple steps you can take today, to manage how you argument in a more healthy way! * Criticism and Blaming (1st) + You are always late! + "You never get off your phone" * + "You never..." "You always..."
This style could lead to contempt and you begin to attack their character and you now add the word 'Because...' * "You are always late...BECAUSE you are so lazy!" * "You never get off your phone...BECAUSE you are so selfish"
There are 2 ways to respond to this. * Defensiveness (2nd)
With this style, once you hear any accusations or comments against you, you are quick to react, your v olume rises and you pull up the shield and begin to defend yourself. This could lead to defensive and harsh responses such as * "Just shut up!" * "Oh never mind"
And then you begin to move into belittling the person and also start attacking them as a person * "Just shut up, you're so stupid!"
This style makes it difficult to have a conversation with someone so defensive. The conversation escalates, you start going back and forth and you both go nowhere. * Stonewalling (3rd)
A good word picture. You become cold, hard, and nothing is getting through. You are a stone wall! By completely shutting down, the conversation ends, they don't exist to you and it makes the other person feel like they don't matter. They can become, nothing gets solved, issues get swept under the under the rug and then fight after fight, you end up building a mountain of unsolved issues. What can you do to Manage these? Criticism/Blaming Begin using "I" Statements (own your feelings) instead you "You: statements Try using the XYZ Forumula by Les and Leslie Parrott * In situation X, when you do Y, I feel Z * + "At night when we're getting ready for bed, when you stay on your phone, I feel like I don't matter"
A complaint is easier to react to, instead of a criticism. Defensiveness Own your responsibilities. Take what happened and avoid repeating them now that you know how it makes them feel. Stonewalling Let your spouse know you need time to process the issue. Give them an appropriate amount of time and then return to them and discuss. This eliminates the emotions around it and you can solve things respectfully.
The One Key In every argument or even fight, it's not always an agreement but it's more of an understanding of the person and their perspective. And this can cause your relationship to draw closer, instead of pushing you further apart!
How do you Stay Connected in Survival Mode?
In this Episode, we answer a question called in by the Quick and Dirty Website. Don and Glory asks: "how do we stay connected when you're in survival mode"!
PLANNING
- Once a month planning
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- Weekly Scheduling: some weeks are the same so we just take a quick glance at the calendar to see if anything needs to be added, changed or figured out.
- It only takes a few minutes once you've had your initial once a month planning session.
- Planning helps to keep the guessing work out of the equation.
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- Each of us knows what each others responsibilities are for that week so there isn't room for disappointment.
- We are both on the same page entering in each week.
- Being flexible
- Life throws us curve balls so it's really important to have a plan and be flexible if things change.
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- Plan for set backs
- Budget your time
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- [Jar Example]
- Jar with 24 colorful balls representing the 24 hours we all have in a day. So each is 1 hour. Depending on your sleeping patterns, you might take out 7 balls and 10 hours for work. So just those 2 activities alone is 17 hours, which leaves you with 7 more balls remaining.
- Then there's breakfast, supper and then bedtime for the little ones. That might take up 3.
- So what are you guys left with...4!
- Be intentional when planning. Set a time each day to connect.
- Planning out your priorities for that week makes it easer to say NO when you are planned, scheduled and working towards the same goals.
PRIORITIES
- Keep Relationship a Priority
- Couch Time
- Say no to extra activities. (Men: Floor hockey, Wing Night, Women: Book clubs, Coffee Dates) They may be good things, but it's just no for now. Is it worth a ball?
PROTECTION
- This is our protected time and we keep this time focused and set apart from every other days business.
- So many appointments, people and commitments that are vying for our time. So in our planning, we carve out time that is specifically for family time, or one-on-one time each week.
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- OUR EXAMPLE - Sundays is protected family time (big meal with the whole family, play games, be silly, have fun, recharge and connect)
- Evening: Planning (Really Really big calendar)
THE ONE KEY * Every step of the way, you must intentionally foster your relationship through this busy season which does not last forever, because seasons change. And because you planned, prioritized and protected your relationship, you will enter the season a lot stronger, and, more connected!
Show Notes: http://daleandheather.com/episode7
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From the day we said "I Do" (1999) Heather and I have tried so many things to improve our marriage. We've gone to marriage counseling, read countless books and attended a tonne of Marriage Conferences. And out of all that, we found something that truly works for us.
What we are sharing, is truly something that when you understand it, apply it and live it daily, your marriage literally could be heaven on earth, your cream in middle of your Oreo Cookie and even your Happily Ever After.
In this Episode of the Quick and Dirty Podcast, we are going to give you THE number one key in our Marriage that has brought us from a life of heartache, hurts and hell to a life that is peaceful, fun, joyful and loving.
This One Key is Simple, yet not at all Simple!!!
- Give Freely
- Give freely in everything: Time, Money, Words, Actions, Thoughts
You don't always have to win, you don't always have to be right, you don't always and to say the last word.
True Love is Sacrifice
Do you use the "F" Word freely in your marriage? In this episode, we'll share why we've been using it almost daily for over 20 years.
Plus, we answer a Podcast listeners question on fun and cheap date night ideas.
To get your question answered on the Podcast, head over to http://daleandheather.com/ask and submit yours today!
Show Notes: http://daleandheather.com/episode5
What do you do when you fall out of love? When the warm and fuzzies disappear, the honeymoon stage is over and you're left with life but the romance is fading or even gone completely.
Is it game over? What do you do?
The power of our words are controlled by us. We have the ability to build our spouses up or tear them down...with just a few words.
What words are you using to describe your husband? Do you respect him when you speak about him?
Choose your words very carefully, but give them freely.
In this Episode, we look at the importance of continuing the Pursuit of the woman. In the beginning of even the dating relationship, the man will stop at nothing to gain the heart of the woman, but when things progress and move into marriage, life tends to get in the way and the pursuit slowly begins to drift away to almost non-existent.
And that can't happen. Keep Pursuing her!
Welcome to the very first episode of the Quick and Dirty Podcast. We are so very excited to begin this journey with you and we hope that you will find value in the things that we share.
Please subscribe to our Podcast. We'd love to get to know you!
~Dale and Heather