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Clarity is kind

• It’s been months since I’ve shared a podcast episode with you.
• I had to get clear with myself on how I wanted to move forward before I could communicate it clearly to you.
• Post-sabbatical, I still felt drained and like I had so little to give.
• I’ve spent a lot of time feeling discouraged by the results of my podcast. But it finally hit me that even if I make $8k on the podcast, I spent $7k on the podcast.
• As I told you in January, my vision for this year is “less is more” and “simplify.” In an effort to follow that vision and promise, this will be my final podcast episode (potentially ever).

Here’s what staying in touch looks like moving forward…

• Patreon
• patreon.com/therefinedcollective
• You can join for $5/mo (or $5/mo if you want access to the book club)
• We have four events each month:
• Exclusive video (this month I’m talking about the Barbie movie)
• Coaching Q+A video (you ask questions, I answer them)
• Connection call (this month, we’re chatting about embodiment)

• Book club (this month, we’re reading Shameless by Nadia Bolz-Weber)

• Coaching

• I still offer coaching in my shop! You can purchase individual or bundles of coaching calls therefinedwoman.com/coaching.

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I feel like I start every episode with “this week’s episode, I’m doing things a little differently,” and that’s because I’m really just playing around with what feels good! Since before my sabbatical, I’ve felt lost as to what to share on the podcast. So this week, I decided to do something I thought would be fun (and maybe you’ll think it’s fun too)... an episode where I talk about five things I’m LOVING right now. Are you ready?

Resources

• Join Patreon here and sign up for book club! This month is Falling Upward by Richard Rohr.
• Go to link.primallypure.com/therefinedwoman and use code TRW10 for 10% off. P.S. if you want 25% off, follow me on IG and keep an eye out for a code on May 11th. The code will only be valid on May 11th!

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This week, we’re doing something a little different and very exciting: Kobe Campbell is guest hosting an episode of The Refined Collective with her husband Kyle (the hosts of The Healing Circle Podcast). In this episode, Kobe will be breaking down the different types of traumas, the nuances of each, and what they can look like in your life.

Trauma Myth

• We can sometimes have this perspective of “Trauma” and “trauma” where we have an idea that one is worse than the other. But that is NOT the case!
• There are boulders (acute trauma) and pebbles (chronic trauma), and even though pebbles are smaller, they become a large mass as the number of pebbles grow.
• “Our body processes emotional pain almost identically to the way it processes physical pain.” - Kobe Campbell

Acute Trauma

• A single traumatic incident.
• This is what most people think of when they think of trauma. This includes major traumatic events like getting hit by a car, being sexually assaulted, or your house catching on fire.
• Even going through the pandemic can be considered an acute trauma.

Chronic Trauma

• Prolonged and ongoing abuse or pain.
• This might be the fact that your feelings were always dismissed by your parents growing up.
• “If your internal voice is mimicking the external invalidation you’ve heard your entire life, you’ve experienced chronic emotional trauma.” - Kobe Campbell

Complex Trauma

• A combination of acute and chronic trauma and/or several acute traumas or several chronic traumas.
• “Trauma freezes you in time… There are a lot of 9-year-olds trapped in 50-year-old bodies.” - Kobe Campbell
• Kobe’s husband, Kyle, shares his own story of complex trauma.

Resources

• Join Patreon here and listen to another Kobe episode!
• Order Kobe’s book Why Am I Like This?
• Work with Kobe Campbell.
• Join Kobe’s inner circle.
• Listen to The Healing Circle Podcast.
• Listen to Kobe on TRC ep 174 “Is It The Holy Spirit Or My Trauma?”
• Listen to Kobe on TRC ep 150 “When Is It Time To Go To Therapy?”

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Mike Maeshiro is the founder of Numa, an organization that supports people in deconstruction, spirituality, and faith. Mike is gay, an advocate for the LGBTQ+ community, and a queer theology enthusiast. He is a life coach, speaker and thought leader. In this episode, Mike shares his story of coming out, the beliefs that kept him in the closet for so long, and why he still believes in God as a gay person.

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Language disclaimer: this episode includes explicit language so maybe listen with headphones if you’re around children.

As you all know, I took a sabbatical last fall. I needed that time to focus on my own growth and healing without having a microphone in my hand. One thing I knew I wanted to experience during my time away from The Refined Collective was a psilocybin journey (aka mushroom journey). I know there are a lot of immediate reactions that come to mind when someone hears something like that. And I know there are a million questions that you want answered. This episode is a deep dive into the 2-day guided mushroom journey, including why I felt at peace with the decision.

It is important to note that I am not a doctor and this experience is not for everybody. But I wanted to share with you what my experience was like.

My Background

• I come from a family with addiction in it, and so I have always been careful about all substances. On top of that growing up Christian—I assumed anything drug related would be an open doorway for the demonic. For these reasons and so many more, I never thought a mushroom journey would be something I’d do.
• A few years ago I started hearing rumblings of people I knew micro-dosing mushrooms to support things like PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Out of curiosity, I started doing some research of my own.
• Three years into my research, I was presented with an opportunity to take part in a guided journey and I felt ready to do it.

The Basics

• I checked in with my therapist, my doctor, and my family. Everyone knew I was taking part in this experience.
• The experience cost $500 and was led by three facilitators and there was a doctor on the premises as well. It felt incredibly safe.
• The mushrooms themselves were put into a sort of hot chocolate.

The Breakthroughs

• I felt so held by God during this experience. I knew God was there with me and that I was safe even in the unknown of what this experience would feel like.
• There was a particular moment from childhood that came up and brought up some heavy and powerful physical reactions.

Resources

• Join Patreon here!
• Fantastic Fungi documentary on Netflix
• How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan
• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
• Old episodes of TRC about anxiety

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Language disclaimer: this episode includes explicit language so maybe listen with headphones if you’re around children.

You know how when you say something to your best friend it's not as scary as saying it to an audience of thousands of people so you feel free to be completely honest and vulnerable? Well my best friend and I recorded an episode that we didn't think we'd ever share, but here it is! We really just let ‘er rip in this convo. We talk about:

• What if we gave ourselves the permission to feel anger?
• Navigating disappointment in dating
• Why is the bar set so low for men in dating right now?
• Are our dating expectations to high?
• Are we expecting our partner to meet needs for us they were never meant to need?
• How do we process our disappointment in dating without turning into a bitter + cynical single woman (you know “that girl”...we’ve all met her!)
• Why is voicing our needs in a romantic relationship so hard?
• How owning my voice in dating has been as vulnerable as it has been liberating!

Feeling Frustrated

• We share recent stories of being ghosted and stood up and how we felt about those situations and how we responded to them.
• “It feels really vulnerable to put on a podcast because I get afraid that if I’m really honest about how disappointed I am with my experience with men, being a 37 year old woman, I become the ‘bitter single woman.’”

What We’re Working On

• Tutti talks a lot about voicing her needs being something she wants to prioritize moving forward.
• I share a breakthrough moment where I sent a text to a guy who stood me up— a text I wouldn’t have ever sent before.
• What is something you are working on?

Moving Forward

• Where do you think the disconnect is in these situations?
• How did we get here?
• How do you think we need to move forward?

Resources

• Join Patreon here!
• Listen to Dear Diary: Am I A Good Kisser?
• Listen to Dear Diary: Excerpts from my Middle School Journal
• Keep up with Tutti on Instagram at @tuttidelmonte
• If you need a boudoir photographer, check out budoirbytutti.com

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Welcome back to The Refined Collective Podcast! I actually recorded this episode before I recorded last week’s episode, but decided I needed more time to figure out my path forward with the podcast. There’s so much to dive into in this episode. We’re talking about where I’m at, where I’m headed, and how things will look different around here. I hope in colliding with my story, you’ll give yourself permission to own your own story and color outside the lines a bit. Breaking the insanity cycle I’ve been on the brink of burnout for years now. Add to that the pandemic, a book launch, a failed egg freezing, a faith crisis and more certainly did not help matters. For me taking a sabbatical was me pressing pause on the hamster wheel of social media and content creation. It was realizing I was giving from an empty cup. It was me acknowledging that I could not move forward as things were. Sometimes you have to take drastic measures to interrupt your life and that was the sabbatical for me. So what did I do with my time off? Well as much as I wanted to rush off to Bali and have my very own “Eat. Pray. Love” moment—that wasn’t in the cards for me. I still ran my full time photo biz. But I did try some new things: * I took a 2-day psilocybin journey. * Expanded my dating life quite a bit including dating an ethically non-monogamous guy. * Bought a second property! * And more…

Now remember, I’m only releasing two podcast episodes each month! So I’ll meet you back here on the first Wednesday of March, okay? In the meantime, I’ll be seeing my Patreon fam for the final two Wednesdays of February for a Zoom coaching call and a Zoom book club meeting focusing on Caste by Isabel Wilkerson. Resources * Join Patreon here! * Listen to my podcast episode about why I took a sabbatical here. * Listen to the teaser episode I released last week here. * Connect with Michelle Peterson here.

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It’s been about 5 months since I’ve come to you through your speakers, and I’m back (in a brand new way). This is my fifth year doing the podcast and releasing a podcast episode every week has been exhausting. One of my main goals this year is to foster this community while also embracing this idea of “less is more." What does that mean for the podcast? Welp it means I’ll be releasing fewer episodes this year. Here’s what you can expect from me: * Two TRC Podcast episodes a month. * The rest of my live content will publish to Patreon every month where I’ll be interesting most of my efforts to cultivate community + meaningful convos. * Each month on patreon I’ll host a live group coaching call on Zoom. The final week of each month, I host a book club (this month’s book is Caste by Isabel Wilkerson).

I am committed to prioritizing creating community with you. So many of us are going through deconstruction with no real space to process everything we’re going through. I hope Patreon feels like a place where you can connect with others and reimagine a greater story together. I’m so happy to be getting back into community with you and creating a safe close community in Patreon. Next week on the podcast, I will be sharing a recap of my sabbatical (it may or may not include a 2-day psilocybin therapeutic journey). In the meantime, I hope you come join us over on Patreon! You can join at patreon.com/therefinedcollective. Resources

• Join Patreon here!
• Listen to my podcast episode about why I took a sabbatical here.

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This is my final podcast episode of 2022! I can’t believe it! If you want to hear more about my decision to take a 4-month sabbatical from all things The Refined Woman, content creation, and social media, check out this episode. 

I’ve thought a lot about what I want to share with you in this episode, and what came to mind were 3 things that I’ve been learning in life, growing through, and healing from.

There is simply nothing better than a well-made + COMFORTABLE leather shoe. Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout.

Right now, The Risolve is offering our listeners an additional 20% off when you go to TheRisolve.com and use discount code REFINED20 at checkout!

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This is my final podcast episode of 2022! I can’t believe it! If you want to hear more about my decision to take a 4-month sabbatical from all things The Refined Woman, content creation, and social media, check out this episode. 

I’ve thought a lot about what I want to share with you in this episode, and what came to mind were 3 things that I’ve been learning in life, growing through, and healing from.

There is simply nothing better than a well-made + COMFORTABLE leather shoe. Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout.

Right now, The Risolve is offering our listeners an additional 20% off when you go to TheRisolve.com and use discount code REFINED20 at checkout!

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Dr. Natalie Crawford is co-founder of Fora Fertility, a boutique fertility practice in Austin, Texas and is board certified in both Obstetrics and Gynecology and Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility (REI). Early on in the pandemic I had her on the podcast to talk about egg freezing: TRC Ep 91: “The Fertility Series: Egg Freezing 101”. Fast forward to 2022, I started my own egg freezing journey with Dr. Natalie (which you can hear all about here). Today, I brought her back on the podcast to talk about a really important issue: the overturning of Roe v Wade.

There is simply nothing better than a well-made + COMFORTABLE leather shoe. Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout.

Modern Fertility makes it easy to test your hormone levels at home. Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

Right now, The Risolve is offering our listeners an additional 20% off when you go to TheRisolve.com and use discount code REFINED20 at checkout!

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This is a big episode for me. Punch line first: I am taking a 4-month sabbatical from this podcast and ALL things The Refined Woman related starting September 1st through January 1st. I know you probably have a million questions (and concerns) so this episode is dedicated to explaining why I’ve made this decision, what this time will look like for you, and what I’ll be doing while I’m away.

Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout.

The Risolve is offering our listeners 20% off when you go to TheRisolve.com and use discount code REFINED20 at checkout!

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So your whole life you were taught to save sex until marriage from the church. You were taught it was ‘God’s best.’ But now you’re in a massive season of deconstruction. Your faith still matters to you, but it looks nothing like it used to anymore.

Who + how do you date during this season?

And what about your physical boundaries?

What if you don’t know if you want to wait until marriage anymore? 

Well…today on the podcast alongside celebrity matchmaker Alessandra Conti, we go straight towards these questions. Conti is the co-founder of Matchmakers In The City, an old-school, personal matchmaking firm headquartered in Beverly Hills. Let’s dive into what she has to share!

Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout.

Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat *to download the app for free and start your search today!*

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I put a question box on IG stories for you to submit any and all questions about me for me to answer on the podcast and y’all did NOT hold back! These questions got deeply personal and I’m diving into all of it with you today. Am I in therapy? Will I ever abandon dating apps? Do I have a "one that got away"? Let's get into it.

Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout.

Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

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Guess who's back!? Shaun Galanos from The Love Drive! He is a love coach who teaches communication and intimacy skills! He is probably one of my top 5 favorite people to follow on Instagram— once you see his reels you’ll know why. The first time he was a guest on the podcast, we spoke about cheating, ghosting, finances, and sex. This week, we’re diving into more of your questions!

Go to AmericanBlossomLinens.com and use code REFINED20 for 20% off your order.

Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout.

Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat to download the app for free and start your search today!

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Guess who's back!? Shaun Galanos from The Love Drive! He is a love coach who teaches communication and intimacy skills! He is probably one of my top 5 favorite people to follow on Instagram— once you see his reels you’ll know why. The first time he was a guest on the podcast, we spoke about cheating, ghosting, finances, and sex. This week, we’re diving into more of your questions!

Go to AmericanBlossomLinens.com and use code REFINED20 for 20% off your order.

Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout.

Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat to download the app for free and start your search today!

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Our favorite sexologist is back! Dr. Celeste Holbrook is here again this week to answer some of your sex ed questions. We talk about everything from the basics of understanding your anatomy to the complicated feelings that may arise if you want to introduce sex toys into your partnered sex.

Get started now with 25% off a premium subscription by downloading the Abide app at Abide.co/refined.

Go to AmericanBlossomLinens.com and use code REFINED20 for 20% off your order.

Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout.

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I am so thrilled to be back sharing podcast episodes with you after my 4-week break. And I’m even more thrilled to be talking (again) with Sheila Wray Gregoire, the author of The Great Sex Rescue and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. She was on the podcast last year (listen to it here) and she left us with a cliff hanger and I am glad to be diving deeper into that conversation today. We’re covering everything from defining sex to the orgasm gap and the sexual response cycle.

Go to AmericanBlossomLinens.com and use code REFINED20 for 20% off your order.

Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat to download the app for free and start your search today!

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Welcome back to another Ask Kat episode! If you’re new here, I answer questions on IG stories every Monday but it’s so hard to answer them in 15 seconds! So I created a podcast series where I can give more in depth answers to your nuanced questions. You can listen to the first Ask Kat episode here. This time around, I’m talking all things Bridgerton, being an LGBTQ+ ally, interfaith relationships, and my own physical boundaries in dating.

Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat to download the app for free and start your search today!

Start monetizing your podcast with Podcorn and explore sponsorship opportunities by signing up here: *podcorn.com/podcasters.***

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If I did things ‘God’s way’, wouldn’t God bless me with the partner + kids I have always longed for? It never occurred to me to learn what other options were available to me. It felt heart breaking to even begin to research my fertility options at age 34—because it felt like an admission of being in a place that I never wanted to be in: single + childless. In this podcast episode, I’m sharing my process of choosing to freeze my eggs, the logistics of the actual procedure, the results, costs, and…is it worth it?

Modern Fertility makes it easy to test your hormone levels at home. Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

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Abide is the number one Christian meditation app. Get started now with 25% off a premium subscription by downloading the Abide app at *Abide.co/refined.***

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For mental health May–I did something new!  I created three meditation podcast episodes under 10 minutes! If you missed the first two, check them out:

1. Meditation for burnout (listen here).
2. Meditation for anxiety by Jackie Viramontez (listen here).
3. Now, I’ll be leading you through meditation for gratitude.

Use code REFINED for 20% off sitewide at SmileBrilliant.com.

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I would love to offer you a few meditations and prayers that have been a lifeline for me over the past few years. The next three episodes of TRC will be guided meditations. First up was meditation for burnout (listen here). This week, my friend Jackie Viramontez will be guiding us through a meditation for anxiety. 

Use code REFINED for 20% off sitewide at SmileBrilliant.com.

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How do you seek God when you don’t know if you believe the way you used to?

How do you move forward in your faith when it feels like it’s in shambles?

How do you experience God outside of Sunday church?

I’m no expert, but I would love to offer you a few meditations and prayers that have been a lifeline for me over the past few years. The next three episodes of TRC will be guided meditations. First up: meditation for burnout.

Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

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This is Part III of a series on deconstruction. In Part I, we ask “What exactly is deconstruction + how do I know if I’m experiencing it?” In Part II, we ask “Can I completely deconstruct my faith and still be a Christian?” This week, we’ll be asking “What would Jesus do? How then shall we live?”

Reflection Questions:

1. What has your relationship to doubt been?
2. What would it look like for you to replace certainty with faith?
3. Did anything resonate with you in the ocean + boat metaphor? If so, what?

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This is Part II of a series on deconstruction— if you missed Part I, go ahead and listen to that here. In Part I, we ask what exactly is deconstruction + how do I know if I’m experiencing it, and the resources that have helped me in my own process. Today, we’ll be moving through the question “Can I completely deconstruct my faith and still be a Christian?”

Start monetizing your podcast with Podcorn and explore sponsorship opportunities by signing up here: podcorn.com/podcasters.

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This week, we’re stepping into a series on deconstruction. I avoided talking about this in depth on the podcast before, because I am no expert. When I polled my Instagram audience, 76% said they are currently deconstructing. And everyone’s experiences within deconstruction have been extremely varied. How do I know if I’m experiencing deconstruction? If I start deconstructing, will I lose my faith altogether? These are very real and human questions that we are all asking. I can’t give you a ton of answers, but I can be with you here as we ask meaningful questions.

Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

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I am completely fangirling over today’s podcast guest— I have read all of her books over the years and I can’t wait for you to get to know her. Shauna Niequist is the NYT Bestselling author of Cold Tangerines, Bittersweet, Bread & Wine, Savor, Present Over Perfect, and I Guess I Haven’t Learned That. Today, we’re talking about trusting your gut feelings, the hard parts of deconstruction that people don’t really talk about, embracing learning instead of shaming not knowing, and what prayer looks like in a season of deconstruction.

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Our favorite sexologist, Dr. Celeste Holbrook, is back on the podcast to give you some more sex education! As many of you know, I spent a lot of time coming to terms with the shame I felt around my sexual desire. Since I grew up in purity culture, I didn’t receive a proper sex education. And because I didn’t get a proper sex education, I found myself in some uncomfortable situations because I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Knowledge helps you develop a muscle of consent and the language to communicate your boundaries. So if you can relate, this episode will help fill in some of the many gaps in your sex education.

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In episode 170 of TRC, Manwell Reyes said “I love strong women but they come with a lot of pride and you’re gonna have to argue them into submission.”  To say I was uncomfortable with that comment is a wild understatement. We didn't have time to unpack it during that episode, so I brought Manwell back to talk about it in full context. We take a deep dive into the history of the word submission, why it’s important to acknowledge the problem before moving forward, and how we can move forward in a way that embraces the beauty of submission.

Go to bit.ly/trcsexed to register for the 3-part Sex Ed Workshop Series.

Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

Go to www.paleovalley.com and use code KAT15 for 15% off your first purchase.

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This week my bestie, Tutti del Monte, is returning for another Dear Diary episode. This time, instead of spending the full episode reading old diary entries, we’re chatting about things we chat about in real life: how to know if you’re a bad kisser and how we define sex differently. Plus, we talk about if I’m still waiting for marriage to have sex and Tutti’s current pause on sex in her relationship.

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Welcome back to the Ask Kat series! It’s basically like my Mentor Monday IG story series (which you can keep up with here), but this is the first time where you get to send in an audio file of your questions and I answer them live on air!

If you want to submit your question for the next Ask Kat episode, go to speakpipe.com/trc.

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I’m really nervous for you to listen to this episode. This week, I’m sharing my story of how and why I kinda accidentally left the church during the pandemic, and why I haven’t chosen to go back. I share with you what I have learned and am learning from my separation from the church, why I believe God is really with me in this place, the 3 main reasons I’m not a part of the church right now, and what church and community is actually looking like for me these days.

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Every week on IG stories, I do “Mentor Mondays”. Recently, I answered a question about dating non-Christians and it just didn’t feel complete. Mainly because I only have 15 seconds on IG stories to answer very nuanced topics. So in this episode, I’ll be unpacking the much debated and talked about topic of Christians dating non-Christians (plus my own experience dating non-Christians).

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I woke up on a Sunday morning feeling waves of grief from my recent heartbreak. I feel lonely. It’s hard making friends in general, let alone during a pandemic, after a cross country move, and while you’re not going to church. I knew that church had been a source of community for me, but it wasn’t until I left that I began to understand just how much it brought me. In this episode, I just want to share where I’m at and see if you’re feeling the same way.

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Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is the idea of letting go versus giving up. And based on the number of DMs I received when I shared about this on IG stories, it seems it’s been on a lot of your minds too. So…what is  the difference between letting go and giving up, and why does it matter? 

Beducated is offering TRC listeners a 24 hour free trial and 70% off for the yearly pass, which comes out to just $7.99/month. Just go to beducate.me/therefinedcollective and use my coupon code: REFINED.

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In the past two episodes, I shared how I made $7/day after college living out of a van working for a non-profit. Then I found my way to photography and ultimately built a 6-figure photography business. From there I talk about how my little fashion blog turned into The Refined Woman and this podcast. And so today, I am sharing the final part of my career story: how I landed a 6-figure book deal.

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Last week, I shared on the podcast how I made $7/day after college living out of a van working for a non-profit. Then I  found my way to photography and ultimately built a 6-figure photography business. But as you know, that’s only part of my career journey. Along the way, I also started The Refined Woman and created this podcast, The Refined Collective.

Beducated is offering TRC listeners a 24 hour free trial and 70% off for the yearly pass, which comes out to just $7.99/month. Just go to beducate.me/therefinedcollective and use my coupon code: REFINED.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

I saw a meme that said “I didn’t realize 2020 was gonna be a trilogy” which I thought was hilarious, but I also thought NO I don’t want to embrace that. I am on the evidence hunt for a year of celebration, breakthrough, and lost dreams coming back to life. In cleaning up my life for 2022, I came across my tax return from 2012 and my gross income was $4300. I paused and realized that 2021 was the most financially successful year of my life. So I want to look back at where my journey started and share the story with you.

Gratitude

• Sometimes it’s hard to see your story for what it is because you’re so close to it— I know that’s what kept me from recognizing the beauty in my career journey.
• It’s important to remember where we came from and what God has done.
• Sharing my breakthrough has shifted my heart into gratitude and possibility. Hopefully it stirs your heart too.

What happens when your life doesn’t unfold the way you planned it?

How can you acknowledge the hope of what you want and long for while still being present to the here and now.

How can you stay open to the unexpected–even if the unexpected looks NOTHING like you planned?

My Unexpected Path to Photography

• After a miserable experience working at a non profit in LA, my dream for photography was growing. My friend told me to stop talking about it and do it.
• I remembered I had Mike’s card. I spoke to him and he offered an unpaid internship, which I couldn’t accept.
• I spent the summer nannying— I was broke but it was the glory days.
• Then out of the blue, Mike called and said he and his wife had been praying about it and offered me a job for $13/hour. I accepted.

A Budding Photographer

• Mike taught me everything I know. I barely knew how to turn on a camera.
• He brought me to New York Fashion Week to shoot a runway show, and I felt the magic of New York.
• I never thought I would start my own photography business, but I did and it wasn’t a success.

Be Ready For the Unexpected

• I started shooting for Carolina Herrera because a girl in my small group at Hillsong worked for her.
• I started shooting for Amy Porterfield after Jasmine Star— who I met while working for Mike— referred me to her. I still shoot for her yearly.
• Now, this is my 4th year shooting for Rockefeller Center. I take on around 5 weddings a year + a limited amount of lifestyle work.

Next week. I’ll continue the story with how I started a fashion blog that eventually led me down a road of landing a 6-figure book deal with one of the top publishers in the world. If you want to hear that episode now…go to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective and you can listen to it now and have access to a ton of other Patreon exclusive content.

Resources

• Listen to Part II early (and ad-free) here.
• Sign up for my 2022 vision casting workshop with Johan here.
• Check out Emily + Patrick’s wedding photos here.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Special thanks to our newest Patreon members at the $7/month level: Jason, Rachel, Jeanna, Brenda, Danica, Jennifer, Amanda, Diana, Kelsey, Kasey, Brittany, Abi, and Adam. If you want to join, you can do that here.

If you’re in my Patreon community, you know that I recently tested my fertility. It’s time to take ownership of your fertility so you know your options for the future! Modern Fertility makes it easy to test your hormone levels at home. Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

Spending hours trying to find the right doctor for you can be exhausting. And if you go through that process only to find out they don’t take your insurance? That almost makes me wanna give up the search. ZocDoc makes it easy to find the right doctor who takes your insurance. You can even make the appointment online! Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat to download the app for free and start your search today!

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I feel like I ended 2021 crawling to the finish line. (Anyone else?) I felt completely burnt out, so I did a few things: I took the last month off and I hired a business coach. It honestly has felt like therapy. I decided to record our first session and share it with you. I got real, I also got defensive at times, I cried, and reached some real breakthroughs. I want you to have a raw and unedited look into my life, my career, my process, and what makes me tick and where I’m stuck. And hopefully in the process… you can experience some breakthroughs of your own.

Beducated is offering TRC listeners a 24 hour free trial and 70% off for the yearly pass, which comes out to just $7.99/month. Just go to beducate.me/therefinedcollective and use my coupon code: REFINED.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

It’s here: the final episode of 2021. Last years final episode was about how dating has changed in 2020. (You can listen to that episode here.) I have felt recently exactly what the title says: that I kinda suck at dating. So I wanted to be honest with you about what I’m moving through. I struggle with what to share and when to share it with you. I really want to honor my own process and I also want to be vulnerable with where I’m really at. So here goes it.

Teaching From Scars

• I always try to teach from my scars and not my scabs, but maybe I’ve taken that too far and used it as an excuse to put walls up and not be vulnerable.
• I normally wouldn’t even tell you that I had a dating relationship this year that didn’t work out. But I decided to share it on Patreon a little while ago. And now I want to share it with you.

Where I Went Wrong

• I’m so used to being in community with women—I forgot what it felt like to have a man in my life. It was completely out of my comfort zone.
• I didn’t realize how many walls I had up until I tried to get to know one.
• I liked him so much, but I was terrified to let him know. I was afraid of rejection and became prickly, defensive, or always needed to be right.

What I Learned About Myself

1. Honesty is different from vulnerability.
2. • I share my mind with everyone. I share my heart with like 3 people.
   • I am comfortable sharing truth with the masses and women, but I withhold the truth with men.
   • All I wanted was him to make movement towards me. But I would resist. I would hide my heart, stiff arm, and ninja warrior away from those bids and invitations.
3. I put walls up.
   • To me, this person was my dream person. But the timing was off. You can meet the perfect person for you, but if it’s not the right time, it just won’t work. This is a really hard pill to swallow.
4. Timing is everything.
   • I have so many unhealed wounds from my father. I brought my trauma into every interaction + conversation: you’ll probably leave me.
5. The work is never done.
6. The #1 thing to look for is willingness to grow vs. perfection

Resources

• Here’s that throwback blog post I mentioned about a breakup I had years ago.
• Listen to last year’s podcast episode on how dating has changed here.
• Listen to last year’s 2020 reflection podcast episode here.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from Made In Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Trigger warning: We are going to be talking about some adult topics. If you have young ears around, put on some headphones or listen later on. We will also be talking about sexual assault and abusive messages many people have received in the church.

I believe we are in a season where women are rising up in a new way and making their voices heard. I am thrilled to be talking with Sheila Wray Gregoire, the author of The Great Sx Rescue. We’re talking all about her survey findings, the toxic messages we are taught about women and sx, where those messages come from, and what the Bible actually says about it all.

What is the Org*sm Gap?

• Sheila and her team surveyed over 20k Christian women and performed an in-depth study on 13 best selling christian books on marriage and s*x.
• General consensus of what narratives are driving the sx message for Christian woman: women are oppressed, men are viewed as animals, women are the cause of male temptation and the cure—sx is viewed as an obligation.
• Orgsm gap: 95% of men almost always/always orgsm in sex vs 48% of women.

• Disagreements on frequency of s*x isn’t a problem. It’s a symptom of a problem.

• Myth: women don’t like sx. Reality: women need to feel safe to enjoy sx.

The Obligation S*x Message

• Survey question: “Have you ever felt obligated to give your husband s*x when he wants it?”
• • 43% of respondents said that they were taught that before marriage
  • 39% said that they entered marriage believing it
• This obligation sx message has had bad effects on the orgsm rate, marital satisfaction, and arous*l.

• Due to messages like the obligation sx message, Christian women are 2x more likely to have vaginismus—which causes pentration to be painful, if not impossible. And nobody talks about it.

• “Believing the obligation sx message increases the chance of a woman experiencing vaginismus to almost the same statistical affect as prior abuse… Our bodies interpret it as trauma.” - Sheila Wray Gregoire*

How Did We Get Here?

• A lot of it comes from a misinterpretation of 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

• “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

• Ephesians 5 has also been taken out of context to advance the obligation s*x message.

Path Towards A Healthy Sex Life

1. Know that it’s not your fault— we’ve all been taught the wrong thing.
2. Read Sheila’s book, The Great Sx Rescue*
3. Realize that the only reason these messages are here is because people bought the books and went to the church book studies that perpetuated these messages. Take back the power. Speak up.
4. The church needs to have a lot more respect for science. “We have let pastors who do not have training in sx write our sex books and it needs to stop.” - Sheila Wray Gregoire*

Rapid Fire Questions

• What is the biggest effect you’ve seen purity culture have on men?

• What are some questions you can ask a date to see if the other person has a healthy view of s*x?

• How have your findings changed your views on sex before marriage?

Resources

• Read Sheila’s book, The Great Sx Rescue*
• Interested in more of a conversation around Ephesians 5? Listen to TRC Ep 137: Are We Weaponizing Scripture to Silence Women? with Tiffany Bluhm
• Read The Making of Biblical Womanhood by Beth Allison Barr
• Read Jesus and John Wayne by Kristen Kobes Du Mez
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Did you know that 30 million women are impacted by weakened or thinning hair? If you are among them, know you are not alone and that there’s a solution you can trust. Thousands of women have taken back control of their hair thickness and overall confidence with Nutrafol. Go to Nutrafol.com and enter promo code KAT to save $15 off your first month’s subscription. This is their best offer anywhere! And it is only open to US residents at this time.

I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

This episode is all about how to get real results from online dating, which is something I’m really interested in talking about right now because personally I have felt burnt out from online dating. I’ve also experienced some heartache in my love life recently (I don’t want to share that story with the whole world, but you can hear it on Patreon if you’re interested.) So this episode is just as much for me as it is for you. I am so excited to have my dear friend Kait Warman with me for this conversation.

What’s your go-to dating app?

• I finally have an answer to that question: Upward. Here’s why:
• • It’s great if you’re a person of faith who wants to find someone who is in alignment with your faith and values.
  • It’s full of people looking for meaningful relationships that will lead to marriage. No hookups here!
  • Upward is also inclusive and affirming for all Christians, which really matters to me. Not a lot of faith-based apps are.
  • Questions on the app allow you to do a deep dive into who you are, why your faith matters, and what it is that you’re really looking for.
  • Download the app for free here.

Dating Sunday aka The Superbowl for Online Dating

• The first Sunday of January is historically the busiest day of the year for online dating
• Why? New Year’s Resolutions, post-holiday blues + hello Valentine’s Day is just around the corner…basically it’s time for a fresh start.
• Apps expect around a 30% increase in new users on this Sunday alone.

3 Things That Will Set Apart Your Online Dating Profile

• CLARITY

• What are you looking for? (casual, serious, in between) Communicate it clearly!

• How to be clear about what you’re looking for without having a chip on your shoulder/pressure? Go in with an open expectation.

• “Online dating is a low stakes operation... Take the pressure off.” - Kait Warman

• WHO ARE YOU?

• What matters to you?

• Why is your faith important to you?
• 1. On Upward, you can say your denomination, which I think is cool.
• What lights you up?

• What do you love to do? Show, don’t tell!

• “Allow yourself to really get to know yourself first, + then show that in your profile” - Kat Harris

• CAPTIVATE CURIOSITY

• Engage someone who’s viewing your profile.

• 1. i.e. 2 truths + a lie—take a guess and then tell me yours!
  2. top 5 favorite books…what are yours?
• Allow these to be fun + light. SPOILER ALERT: dating doesn’t always have to be so serious!

The 3 Pics That Will Up Your Profile Game

• The average person stays on a dating profile for less than 60 seconds… You have to make your profile count and it starts with that first profile pic!
• • Pic #1: bachelor/bachelorette photos // smiling, laughing, eyes direct-to-camera, engaging!
  • Pic #2: the everyday you + the dressier you
  • Pic #3: do something you love
• CAVEAT: these should all be up-to-date

The 3 Pics NOT To Post

1. Group shots
2. Sunglasses
3. Gym/car selfies

3 Ways to Avoid Online Dating Fatigue

1. Commit to 3 months of Upward
2. Get on the app 6 days a week in the first week
   • Goal: 3 dates in 3 months
3. Limit your use to 15 minutes a day

Resources

• Download the Upward app here.
• Keep up with Kait Warman on IG at @kaitness and @heartofdating.
• Check out Kait’s podcast, Heart of Dating.
• Grab Kait’s book, Thank You For Rejecting Me.
• Listen to Kait’s other episodes of The Refined Collective:
• • Ep. 17: How to Drop the Hanky (aka how to let them know you’re interested)
  • Ep. 41: How to Online Date Like a Boss
  • Ep. 140: Thank You For Rejecting Me
  • Ep. 144 with Carrie Lloyd: Should I Marry a Christian
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

Has this ever happened to you… you’re feeling like crap, need to see a doctor, you search and find one that looks good, spend hours trying to book an appointment, only to get there and realize they don’t take your insurance? There’s a solution: download the free Zocdoc app. You can search for local doctors that take your insurance, whether you’re looking for a dentist or psychiatrist. Go to Zocdoc.com/kat and download the Zocdoc app to sign up for free and book a top-rated doctor.

This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. I’ve done therapy off and on for years and am such an advocate for therapy. Better Help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist who you can start communicating with in under 48 hours. It’s affordable and accessible with financial aid available. Visit BetterHelp.com/refined for 10% off your first month and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

If you have watched Gwyneth Paltrow’s Netflix show “Sx, Love & Goop,” then you may recognize today’s podcast guests: Jaiya and Ian! Jaiya is an award-winning somatic sxologist and creator of The Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™, which was very transformative for me. Ian Ferguson is Jaiya’s life and business partner and the co-founder of The Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™. I am so excited to be talking with them both today about the erotic blueprint, the 5 erotic blueprints, and whether s*xual incompatibility is actually a thing.

“Maybe we’re actually going to have an intelligent mature conversation about sx in our culture. Maybe we’re finally ready to have that conversation.” - Jaiya*

What is a Somatic S*xologist?

• Someone who can help you understand who you are as a s*xual being. This knowledge can get rid of the layers of shame.
• “Soma” means “of the body.” “It’s the body telling the truth, not the idea of what we think might be pleasurable or unpleasurable.” - Ian
• We have intellectualized sex too much— everybody is different as erotic beings.

The Erotic Blueprint

• The Erotic Blueprint (it’s a free quiz friend) will give you a language to communicate your desires as a s*xual being.

• Don’t worry, even if there are questions in the quiz about s*xual experiences you haven’t had, Jaiya teaches us how to connect with and answer them honestly.

• “How can I move forward in this sxual/romantic relationship and stay connected to myself, God, and others? How can I set myself up for success whatever my s*xual ethic may be?” - Kat Harris*

The 5 Erotic Blueprints

1. Energetic— turned on by the anticipation.
2. Sensual— turned on by all senses being ignited.
3. S*xual— turned on by penetration.
4. Kinky— turned on by anything that’s taboo.
5. Shapeshifter— turned on by all of it!

S*xual Compatibility vs Chemistry/Attraction

• If you’re waiting for marriage to have sx, you don’t have to worry about sxual incompatbility because you can work at it.

• “It’s not incompatibility— it is... are you willing to do what it takes to learn the skills to honor your partner in what it is that turns them on for both of you in the relationship?” - Jaiya

• Chemistry— we are biochemically attracted to other people and this can change based on scents the person is wearing or whether a woman is on birth control.

“Sx is natural, but making love is an art.” - Ian*

Rapid Fire Questions

• What makes good s*x? Presence, listening, willingness, awareness
• When is it a good time to start talking about s*x with your significant other? Right away.
• How do you approach the conversation? Vulnerability, create safety, stay in a place of non-judgement.
• What are some fun foreplay experiences? Brainstorm ideas based on your archetypes! For example, energetics should play with eye gaze and sensuals should do deep penetrating massages or bathe together.

Resources

• Take the Erotic Blueprint Quiz here.
• Sxless in the City* by Kat Harris
• Why Him? Why Her? By Helen Fisher
• Slow Sx* by Diane Richardson
• Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
• She Comes First by Ian Kerner
• Girls & Sx* by Peggy Orenstein
• Boys & Sx* by Peggy Orenstein
• The Great Sx Rescue* by Sheila Wray Gregoire
• Keep up with Jaiya on IG at @missjaiya.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from Made In Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

View Details

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Today’s guest is my best friend, Sara del Monte, or “Tutti” if you follow her on Instagram. She was on the podcast years ago talking about how to confront unexpected change where she shared all about her pregnancy. You can listen to that here. Recently, I discovered my middle school journal and I have been going through it and reading it. I was sharing my discovery with Tutti and she had recently found hers as well. We decided it would be fun to do a podcast episode where we read our journals and psychoanalyze each other.

Kat’s Diary // October 13, 1997

“Title: Melrose Hotel

Main characters: Eve Davis, the mysterious woman who is head over heels for Richie Stale. Katherine Harris, a young woman who is trying to make it big in the modeling business.

Plot: Two roommates who are into partying and catching guys at the clubs come night, but at day they’re two women trying to make a career of being hot and sexy models. They’ve got the looks, the hair, the talk, but do they have the moves? Come see On the Hot.”

Let’s unpack that...

• Tutti and I talk about how this may or may not have been me prophesying our future life in New York City.

Tutti’s Diary // February 14, 1999

“Yesterday was my volleyball inauguration. There were so many people. It was raining so much and everything was getting wet. But there was a boy there. His name was Antonio… He is so cute and my friend got to be on his team. They’re on the blue team and he’s number 8. I’m on the red team and I’m number 8. What a coincidence. He’s 13 and almost all girls are in love with him, including me. I hope he feels the same for me. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Update: He has a girlfriend. She’s older than him.”

Let’s unpack that….

• Life advice: you don’t want to date someone who peaked in high school (or middle school for that matter).
• Have you peaked yet? We talk about how we feel transformed in adulthood and more confident and comfortable.
• We talk a bit more about Tutti’s pregnancy journey that kind of feels like a peak for so many reasons. I explore the idea that my peak is still coming.

Kat’s Diary // March 13, 1998

“Women are not equal at all to men. We have to put a stop to this. Women and men could have the same exact jobs and men will still get sometimes thousands of dollars more than women just because they’re men. It’s disgusting!! It makes me so angry! When I grow up, I’m going to put a stop to all of this nonsense.”

Let’s unpack that…

• This is one of many journal entries where injustice had boiled in me. I always thought I was an enneagram 3 but this is making me realize I may have a bit of enneagram 8 in me.
• I was honestly shocked that I wrote that. I didn’t know I was a feminist when I was little. I wonder who it was who taught me about the pay gap.
• We talk about how this spark in middle school me has translated to my current work in addressing the hard topics.
• Tutti shares how her benchmark of who she is as a person is her childhood self, who was friendly, outspoken, and free.

If you’re interested in another episode like this, let us know in a review on iTunes or in an email to social@therefinedwoman.com.

Resources

• Listen to Tutti’s first episode of TRC about her unexpected pregnancy journey here.
• Keep up with Tutti on Instagram at @tuttidelmonte.
• If you need a boudoir photographer, check out budoirbytutti.com
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

Did you know that 30 million women are impacted by weakened or thinning hair? If you are among them, know you are not alone and that there’s a solution you can trust. Thousands of women have taken back control of their hair thickness and overall confidence with Nutrafol. Go to Nutrafol.com and enter promo code KAT to save $15 off your first month’s subscription. This is their best offer anywhere! And it is only open to US residents at this time.

This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. I’ve done therapy off and on for years and am such an advocate for therapy. Better Help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist who you can start communicating with in under 48 hours. It’s affordable and accessible with financial aid available. Visit BetterHelp.com/refined for 10% off your first month and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Andi Andrew is the author of She Is Free, Fake or Follower, and her newest book which is coming out October 2021, Friendship–It's Complicated. I am so excited to be talking with her about friendship breakups— something that all of us have been through. There’s tons of guidance and support out there for romantic breakups, but not for friendship breakups (even though they can often feel just as hard!!)

Are friendship breakups harder than romantic breakups?

• We long for permanence in our lives.
• We never walk into a friendship with the thought in the back of our minds that we could be ghosted or left.
• Unmet expectations and needs that we maybe never communicated.

Struggling to hold boundaries with friends

• What if they ghost you? What if you ghost them? Is the friendship over?
• When do fight for the friendship? When do you let it go?
• Has the church encouraged you to adopt a savior complex with your non-Christian friends?

Is reconciliation always the end goal?

• If you have a friendship breakup, should your goal always be reconciliation?

• “Always reconcile things with God in your own heart.” - Andi Andrew

• Sometimes reconciliation means that you just are deciding to be at peace with each other rather than return to the way the friendship was.

• Is “some friendships are for a season” a cop out? Only you can know your heart— whether you’re just afraid of taking ownership or having hard conversations or if the friendship really is only meant for a season.

What are you meditating on?

• “The biggest thing we’re confronting here are our belief systems. And our belief systems are shaped by our wounding and what we believe about those wounds. Because when we’re wounded, usually that’s when a lie comes in.” - Andi Andrew

• “The meditation of our heart is actually where our belief systems come from. So do we meditate on the lies from the wounds or do we meditate on the truth and the healing?” - Andi Andrew

Resources

• Want some tips on how to make meaningful friendships as an adult? Check out my video on that topic here.
• Keep up with Andi at AndiAndrew.com and on Instagram at @andiandrew.
• Check out her podcast, Coffee with Andi, here!
• Listen to Andi’s episode of TRC all about dream interpretation here.
• Buy Andi’s new book: Friendship— It’s Complicated.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

Has this ever happened to you… you’re feeling like crap, need to see a doctor, you search and find one that looks good, spend hours trying to book an appointment, only to get there and realize they don’t take your insurance? There’s a solution: download the free Zocdoc app. You can search for local doctors that take your insurance, whether you’re looking for a dentist or psychiatrist. Go to Zocdoc.com/kat and download the Zocdoc app to sign up for free and book a top-rated doctor.

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

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If you follow me on Instagram, you know I do Mentor Mondays where you can ask me anything and I answer on IG stories, but it’s so hard to answer such complex questions in 15-second bursts! So this week, I am tackling some of the questions you sent me on Instagram. I would love to do more of these episodes, so if you want to submit your questions for me to answer in a solo show, email social@therefinedwoman.com with the subject line “Ask Kat.”

Jaclyn: Thoughts on cosmetic surgery? Is it ungodly or me not loving the body God gave me?

• You may or may not know that I actually got botox! Listen to the episode I did on it here.
• I want to be the type of woman who embraces grey hair and wrinkles, but I am a human being in process. And to be honest, I want to simply look my age.
• I am grateful for cosmetic surgery for my friend who lost an eye and had a scarred face. I am grateful for cosmetic surgery for my friend who broke her nose.

“I don’t think most things in and of themselves are ungodly, I think it’s the heart posture with which we approach them.” - Kat Harris

Katie: Guy asked for my IG, then stopped talking to me a few days later. Do I unfollow?

• This has happened to me SO many times. And for me, I don’t like sharing my IG because it gives them so much personal information about me, whereas I get so little info about them. I share a story of a guy who recently saw my Instagram and his reaction to it was less than great.
• My advice here is: go ahead and unfollow! You don’t need to be following up with some stranger on the internet who is uninterested in making an actual plan with you.

Abi B.: Preparing for engagement/marriage but both deconstructing. Feels like I should have things figured out before.

• Deconstruction is TOUGH! I am working through it now, most of it privately. It can make dating complicated, but this scenario is why I am an advocate of looking at the whole person rather than the label of “this person is a Christian.”
• You never know how ANY person’s faith journey will turn out, whether they are deconstructing right now or not.
• The key is to find someone who has: grace, humility, a growth mindset, trust, and integrity.
• Some reflection questions:
• • What are you afraid of happening?
  • Is this someone you can accept wholeheartedly without an agenda?
  • Is this someone you can move through hard seasons with?

“We just don’t know what God is gonna do, we don’t know when God is gonna do it, and we don’t know what choices we are going to make, what choices they are going to make.” - Kat Harris

Nijha M.: 1 Peter 1:13-25 // How to obey this without falling into legalism? What does it look like in dating?

• It’s important to consider who this was written for. Context is so important.
• Calling to live holy? To live mindfully and intentionally. NOTE: not perfectly
• Posture of the heart:
• • Legalism worships the rules over the relationships.
  • Legalism stones the adulter to death, but relationship offers acceptance, love, grace, and dignity.
  • How can I love myself well? My future well? God well? And this person well?
  • Relationship is being willing to dive into conversation and nuance and grey —legalism says it’s all black and white.

Emery: What do you wish we knew about you that social media doesn't show?

• Life is hard. Being human is hard.
• I’m private. You get to see about 1% of my life that I choose to let you see.
• I’m no expert. I’m just trying to figure things out too. Fear of being a fraud.

Abby: Do you fear changing your mind on a topic, especially given your platform as a teacher? :)

• Yes. 1,000%. Change is constant. This was something I thought about a lot during the launch of my book. What if I change my views on sex and marriage?
• Am I allowed to be human?

Resources

• Listen to my podcast episode about botox here.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. I’ve done therapy off and on for years and am such an advocate for therapy. Better Help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist who you can start communicating with in under 48 hours. It’s affordable and accessible with financial aid available. Visit BetterHelp.com/refined for 10% off your first month and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional.

Did you know that an estimated 5 billion plastic hand soap and cleaning bottles are thrown out every year? It’s time to cut the plastic waste without sacrificing clean. Get Blueland’s revolutionary refill cleaning system instead: buy the bottle once and refill it forever with the hand soap or spray cleaner tablets. Get 15% off your first order when you go to Blueland.com/refined.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

For most of my life, I’ve felt like I have this sixth sense where I can read people and atmospheres really well. When I became a Christian, I figured this was the spiritual gift of discernment. Over time it started to feel like an anxiety-inducing curse— walking into a room and feeling everyone else’s emotions felt crippling. It made me wonder was this thing I had a gift...or a curse? Was it the Holy Spirit or my trauma? We have repeat guest and trauma Therapist back on the show this week, Kobe Campbell, to unpack this nuanced conversation. Check out my last conversation with Kobe, When is it time to go to therapy?, here.

“Is this blessing that the church has always praised me for actually my trauma?” - Kat Harris

Practice Scanning: Helpful or Hurtful?

• Practice Scanning— a natural defensive mechanism that we learn in our childhood when our safety becomes dependent on the changing moods of those who are meant to protect us.

• “Before Moses is a leader, he’s a murderer. The same thing that made him a murderer— his fierce orientation to justice— is the same thing that made him the very person God wanted to use to get his people out of Egypt.” - Kobe Campbell

• Practice scanning can also help you identify when someone is uncomfortable and in need of help.

“In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve.” - Brennan Manning

Exploiting Gifts: What’s the solution?

• My discernment was embraced by the church, but it was never acknowledged that it was a gift that could have come from a place of pain.

• “I wish that women would be given the opportunity to fail as often as men can in the church.” - Kobe Campbell

• “I have to be willing to be confronted by my own questions.” - Kat Harris

• “In this process, what do you feel like God is trying to reveal to you?” - Kobe Campbell

Resources

• Keep up with Kobe Campbell at healingcircletherapy.org or on IG at @kobecampbell_ and @healingcircletherapy.
• Check out Kobe’s episode of TRC “When Is It Time To Go To Therapy?” here.
• Check out Kobe’s videos on Patreon where we do a deep dive on mental health and therapy here.
• Listen to Kobe’s podcast she hosts with her husband Kyle, The Healing Circle Podcast.
• Listen to this TRC episode about attachment styles with my friend Amanda Blair here.
• Check out the video by Thais Gibson on fearful avoidance here.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. I’ve done therapy off and on for years and am such an advocate for therapy. Better Help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist who you can start communicating with in under 48 hours. It’s affordable and accessible with financial aid available. Visit BetterHelp.com/refined for 10% off your first month and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional.

This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from Made In Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

I recently saw the movie The Eyes of Tammy Faye and quickly went down a rabbit hole of all things surrounding the infamous televangelist Tammy Faye Bakker. I knew I wanted to talk about this (and I did on Patreon, which you can watch here), but I also knew I wanted to explore this topic on the podcast with my buddy Jonathan Merritt. He wrote an incredible article on Tammy Faye for The Atlantic. He is one of America’s most popular writers on issues of faith and culture and is the author of Learning to Speak God from Scratch.

Tammy Faye 101: Who is she + why should we care?

• Pre-1960s, there wasn’t really any religious TV with entertainment value.
• Post-1960s, liberalism was on the rise and conservative evangelical Christians didn’t like that so they began to use TV as a way to get their message out.
• Tammy Faye Bakker and Jim Bakker worked for PTL, Praise The Lord.
• The downfall: Jim Bakker had an affair with a young church secretary. Then it came out that Jim was bisexual. The ministry also had a lot of shady dealings when it came to money. He served 5 of 45 sentenced years in prison.
• Tammy Faye eventually divorced him and married a real estate developer. She became one of the most hated figures in mainstream media, but was a gay icon.

“Why is she being punished for the sins of her husband?” - Kat Harris

Where did we go wrong + how do we be better?

• Women paying for the sins of men is not a new idea and was certainly not unique to Tammy Faye or that era.
• This trend goes all the way back to Genesis 38 with Tamar.
• People have been hurt by religion… so they typically outsource that hurt to whoever is in the spotlight. It’s valid, but misapplied.
• We project feelings like “you should never disappoint me” onto religious people in the spotlight, and once they do disappoint you it feels like betrayal.
• Tammy Faye died of cancer and the day before she did, she forgave everyone.

“The gay community, and now Hollywood, is doing the job that the church never did.” - Jay Bakker

Resources

• Keep up with Jonathan Merritt at jonathanmerritt.com, on IG at @jonathan_merritt, Twitter at @JonathanMerritt, or Facebook at @JonathanMerrittWriter.
• Read Jonathan’s article in The Atlantic: The Redemption of a Televangelist
• Read Jonathan’s book, Learning to Speak God from Scratch.
• Check out my Patreon video for more of my thoughts on Tammy Faye here.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

View Details

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” - Philippians 4: 6 (NIV)

If you are a regular listener, you know that I have struggled with anxiety a lot over the years. I even did a whole Mental Health May series this past year (which you can check out here). Well my anxiety has reared its head again this fall. I can sometimes resent how it takes me away from the moment at hand. My invitation to myself + to you is: What if I/you/we could learn to not resent the discomfort but lean in and trust that my body is resilient. Like Glennon Doyle says, “I can do hard things,” and I can feel uncomfortable things, pain, grief, nervousness, or anxiety and still feel safe and at home in my body.

Lessons From My Therapist

• You may have heard this verse before: Philippians 4: 6 (NIV)

• “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”

• In the King James Version, it says “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.”

• Greek “careful”: to be distracted to the point of separation
• What my therapist explained to me was that anxiety separates you from yourself—because it removes me from the present and gets me to obsess about the future. Out of body. Besides yourself.
• The goal is to get back into yourself, back in your body.
• Like with the addict: the moment to focus on isn’t necessarily the relapse, but the runway that led them there. The 10 steps before that you took that led you down a path towards anxiety.
• FOR ME: not eating, well, caffeine, alone time, time with Jesus, moving my body—my body is already on high alert b/c some family stuff going on—so things that normally wouldn’t trigger me are activating anxiety—so I need to be extra kind and caring of myself.

Be careful for nothing, BUT

“But” is where the answer/help comes in. It’s an invitation to try something else. Try these 4 things:

1. Prayer:

2. In anxiety we’re separate from ourselves, God, and others. Prayer reconnects you with God and it INTERRUPTS your disconnection to self. Reminds me I’m not alone and it’s not all up to me.

3. This is an ACTIVE way to take your thoughts captive: 2 Cor. 10:15
4. The invitation of Jesus isn’t to BUCK UP + GET OVER IT: it’s to let go of the back breaking load: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30.

5. The invitation of God isn’t to DO more or less of anything. isn’t to just NOT do something—whatever it is: anxiety, lie, gossip—no the invitation is to BE.

6. “Be still + know that I AM God.” - Psalm 46:10

7. Supplication:

8. Emergent prayer / emergency prayer.

9. AA 12 steps (very familiar to Phil 4:6)
10. • We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable.
    • • Don’t do ‘x’, BUT PRAY
    • Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore our sanity
    • • • SUPPLICATE: GOD HELP ME
    • Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

11. Thanksgiving:

12. GK: Thanking god for things in the past + things yet to come

13. Fear focuses on the worst case scenario. Gratitude focuses on the reality that with God anything is possible.
14. Gratitude reorients my heart from focusing on doom to possibility.
15. Gratitude reminds me that God has shown up for me before + God will do it again.
16. HABAKKUK 3:2

Lord, I have heard of your fame;

I stand in awe of your deeds, Lord.

Repeat them in our day,

in our time make them known;

in wrath remember mercy.

In fear, in dread, in anxiety, in hopelessness, remember hope. Remember possibility. Remember what God did in the past and thank him for it THEN ASK HIM TO DO IT AGAIN.

1. Requests:

2. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

3. Emphasis on requests: a polite demand for something due to you—like when you get a reminder to pay your credit card bill. Like they ask you nicely = remind you when it’s due. But it’s not really a request; it’s a polite demand. You have to pay the bill.
4. Dear God, HELP. Thank you for helping me in the past + I thank you in advance because I know you’re going to help me again. That’s who you are. Now please give me peace in my body.
5. Then the verse that follows this 4-step formula is this: “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
6. “Peace” here in the GREEK: to make one; whole, to be put back together.

BE CAREFUL FOR NOTHING.

PRAY.

ASK.

THANK.

POLITELY DEMAND.

PEACE—then you’ll go from separation back to connection—self, god + others.

I don’t know about you, but this feels like really beautiful news to me.

When I’m in a moment of fear and disconnection: pause. Invite god into the moment. Ask for help. Thank for the past and future. Politely demand! PEACE. Peace is your portion. Peace is your legacy. Even right now, I speak peace over your body, mind, soul, spirit.

Resources

• Listen to Mental Health May ep. 1: When Is It Time to Go to Therapy? with Kobe Campbell
• Listen to Mental Health May ep. 2: Identifying Anxiety Triggers with Kat Harris
• Listen to Mental Health May ep. 3: The Science of Anxiety + How to Stabilize Once You're Triggered with Kat Harris
• Listen to Mental Health May ep. 4: Are You Really OK? A Mental Health Check Up with Debra Fileta
• Listen to Mental Health May ep. 5: Learning to Listen: A Guided Meditation with Kat Harris
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Is it true that ‘once a cheater, always a cheater?’

How does our faith collide with infidelity?

Is cheating an unforgivable sin?

I am doing a 3-part podcast series with Manwell Reyes called He Said/She Said where we dive into some deep topics and approach them from our different perspectives. In the first episode, we talked about double standards (you can listen to that here), and in the second episode, we tackled “Can you really have it all in a relationship?” (You can listen to that here.) This week, we’re talking about cheating.

“Whether we like it or not, philandering is here to stay. And all the ink spilled advising us on how to “affair-proof” our relationships has not managed to curb the number of men and women who wander. Infidelity happens in good marriages, in bad marriages, and even when adultery is punishable by death. It happens in open relationships where extramarital sex is carefully negotiated before-hand. And the freedom to leave or divorce has not made cheating obsolete.” - Esther Perel, State of Affairs

The Poll Results

• Have you ever cheated? 90% said no
• Have you been cheated on? 61% said no
• Would you break up with someone immediately if you were cheated on? 67% said yes
• Do you think cheating is an unforgivable sin? 47% said yes

How Do You Define Cheating?

• Manwell defines cheating as going outside of a committed context without permission. If you’re married and agree to try something out, that’s different.

• In his definition, it doesn’t just have to be sexual intimacy that qualifies. Anything outside of the boundaries you have set for the relationship done in secrecy counts as cheating.

• “Once one person is in the dark, then it becomes cheating.” - Manwell Reyes

• Esther Perel defines cheating as a cocktail of secrecy, sexual alchemy/deceit, and emotional involvement. (It might not always be all three of these things at once, but a cocktail of the three.)

“The beautiful thing is to see something that you want and say no because you care about something else more.” - Manwell Reyes

Is Cheating Unforgivable?

• Manwell says no. After being married for years, he recognizes that if he wasn’t giving his wife the love and attention she needed, he wouldn’t be surprised if she sought it elsewhere.
• “What part do I play in this?” - Manwell Reyes

• I say no also. I share some personal stories on the podcast where I have had some close calls as ‘the other woman.’

• “You don’t know you’re in the moment until you realize you’re in the moment and you’re like ‘oh crap, get me out of here.’” -Kat Harris

Resources

• Listen to the first part in this series about double standards here.
• Listen to the second part in this series about Netflix’s Sex/Life and relationship expectations here.
• Hear more of my thoughts on cheating here.
• Buy Esther Perel’s book State of Affairs here.
• Check out Manwell’s podcast, Nights at the Round Table.
• Listen to the Nights at the Round Table hosts on TRC talking about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Did you know that an estimated 5 billion plastic hand soap and cleaning bottles are thrown out every year? It’s time to cut the plastic waste without sacrificing clean. Get Blueland’s revolutionary refill cleaning system instead: buy the bottle once and refill it forever with the hand soap or spray cleaner tablets. Get 15% off your first order when you go to Blueland.com/refined.

View Details

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

I am doing a 3-part podcast series with Manwell Reyes called He Said/She Said where we dive into some deep topics and approach them from our different perspectives. Last week we spoke about double standards (you can listen to that here). This week, we’re talking about the Netflix show Sex/Life, tackling questions like can you have it all? And does size matter? Warning: There will be spoilers ahead and of course discussions that you may want to save for when you have headphones available to you.

Let’s Talk About Sex (Drive)

• The woman in the show says everything in her life is 85% perfect and the 15% that’s missing is the exciting sex life she had in a previous relationship when she was younger and living in NYC. She is now married to a man she loves and has beautiful children, but she keeps thinking about that 15%.

• “You give up a lot on the way to success.” - Manwell Reyes

• “Responsibility is the number one killer of libido.” - Kat Harris

• We’re constantly taught that men are always thinking about sex, but in reality everybody has a different sex drive.

• Manwell opens up about his own experience with dropping testosterone and sex drive.

We talk about: Does Size Matter + Can You Have It All?

• “I wonder if we’ve bought into this lie of wanting the 100% 100% of the time. I basically want a person who is the merging of 10 different people.” - Kat Harris

• The standards we’ve set are too high for any one person to meet.

• “You’re not 100% of everything they want.” - Manwell Reyes

• We talk about the idea of having multiple partners.

• “To this day, even though we overdo it with the romanticism, it all comes down to a contract of ‘What am I willing to be okay with because we both know we’re imperfect people. Is what you bring to the table worth it for me to give up on the things I want or say that I want?’” - Manwell Reyes

Resources

• Listen to the first part in this series about double standards here.
• Hear more of my thoughts on Sex/Life here.
• Check out Manwell’s podcast, Nights at the Round Table.
• Listen to the Nights at the Round Table hosts on TRC talking about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Manwell Reyes is no stranger to The Refined Collective. He was on the podcast earlier this year (along with the other hosts of the Nights at the Round Table Podcast) and we talked about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex. I am so happy to have him back for a 3-part series this fall. Our first conversation is all about double standards. We got pretty heated in this episode and I externally processed a lot of stuff in this episode and it feels really vulnerable to share!

What can girls get away with that guys can’t?

• Women can have physical touch with each other in a way that most men can’t.
• Manwell and I talk about our different experiences with nudity in the locker rooms at our respective gyms.
• Manwell shares how straight men have an internalized fear of being seen as gay because of stigmas in society. “In the grand scheme of things, showing each other affection… I don’t think that’s bad or wrong. It’s just the way we were raised: men don’t do that.” - Manwell Reyes
• Girls can be in touch with their emotions without facing judgement. I open up about my own double standard in this area.
• Manwell shares how he feels masculine despite being in touch with his feelings, sewing, baking, cooking, and liking shopping.

• Finances: not paying for dates and expecting men to be the financial providers.

• “I don’t know if it’s a right or wrong thing, I think it’s just more so right or wrong for who is in the relationship.” - Manwell Reyes

• “Assumption is the beginning of all breakdowns.” - Kat Harris

• “Women are allowed to be master manipulators and it’s not questioned.” - Kat Harris

What can guys get away with that girls can’t?

• Men are allowed to not care about how they dress.
• Men can date someone out of an expected age range with no judgement.
• Men are allowed to age and women aren’t. (Actresses have to look young forever and actors get to age and keep the same roles.)

Obviously there’s way more that man can get away with than women, but we ran out of time!

Next week, Manwell and I will be talking about the Netflix original show “Sex Life” and the idea of… can you have it all? Make sure you’re subscribed so the episode downloads straight to your phone when it’s released!

Resources

• Check out Manwell’s podcast, Nights at the Round Table.
• Listen to the Nights at the Round Table hosts on TRC talking about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Thank you SO much to the Patreon community for supporting this podcast and being on the journey with me. A special shoutout to our newest supporters Jason, Sorge, Rachel, Cassidy, Jeanna, Brenda, Danica, Lexi, Jennifer, Amanda, Jordan, Kaitlyn, Colleen, Rachel, Stephanie, Diana, Grace, Kelsey, Lily, Kasey, Graham, Brittany, Abi, Adam, Joshua, Eric, Kara, Suzanna, Tesa, Anna, Grace, Melanie, James, Amanda, and Kelly. If you want to join the growing Patreon community (and get access to exclusive content too) go to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective.

Did you know that an estimated 5 billion plastic hand soap and cleaning bottles are thrown out every year? It’s time to cut the plastic waste without sacrificing clean. Get Blueland’s revolutionary refill cleaning system instead: buy the bottle once and refill it forever with the hand soap or spray cleaner tablets. Get 15% off your first order when you go to Blueland.com/refined.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome back to The Refined Collective Podcast! You may have noticed that we’ve got a new look and sound. I’m so excited to share my new vision for the podcast with you as we continue on this journey together. If there’s an elephant in the room, I’m gonna talk about it. Are you ready to ask the hard questions with me?

I am so excited to be starting off this new season of the podcast with Dr. Celeste Holbrook. She has been a guest several times (her episode is one of the most downloaded ever!) and this time we’re diving into sex ed. Something I’ve realized recently is that a lot of us, myself included, didn’t get the comprehensive sex ed we should have in school. So let’s fix that together!

Let’s Talk About It

• There’s this idea in Christian culture that if we talk about sex or consent or how to put on a condom… that everyone will start having sex.

• “The more information a person has about sex and sexuality, the more likely they are to make healthy decisions about sex.” - Dr. Celeste Holbrook

• Where Is The G Spot? Do all women have one?

• The backside of the clitoris (the clitoris is larger than you think!)

• If you were to put a finger inside, you’d feel it about an inch up on the front side of your vaginal canal.

• Everyone has a G Spot, but not everyone likes it being stimulated.

• What Is Squirting?

• It’s not pee, but it does have small amounts of urine in it. It’s actually mostly interstitial fluid, which is held in the G Spot.

• What’s The Difference Between STIs and STDs?

• STI: Sexually Transmitted Infection // STD: Sexually Transmitted Disease

• For the most part, doctors use the term STI because conditions that are sexually transmitted do not always develop into STDs (and it carries less stigma).

• Dr. Celeste and I chat about how to talk to the person you’re dating about any STIs you may have.

• To lube or not to lube?

• When you get wet, that is your body creating a sort of natural lubricant to make the rubbing and friction of skin glide more smoothly. Lube assists in making sex more comfortable and pleasurable.

• There are many reasons why you may not get wet even though you are aroused— it’s always best to have lube around because you’ll never know when you need the extra help.

• What Type Of Lube Should You Use??

• Silicone: Cannot be absorbed and act as a pillow in your vaginal canal. (For this reason it is also a bit messy.) Best for vaginal pain during sex. Do not use this when using a silicone toy.

• Water-based: Will feel the most like your natural lubricant and will be absorbed into your skin so you may have to reapply. More viscous than slippery.
• Hybrid (water and silicone): Has a more natural feel while still feeling very slick.
• NEVER use a lubricant that has any sort of sugar as it will mess with your natural pH. Always read the ingredients.

• Need some lube suggestions: Uberlube + Jo.

• Should You Go To The OBGYN? Even if you’re not sexually active?

• From Hopkins Medicine: Women should start Pap smear screening at age 21. Between the ages of 21-29, women whose Pap smears are normal only need it repeated every three years. Women ages 30 and over should have testing for the human papillomavirus (HPV) with their Pap smear.

• Are Blue Balls A Thing?

• “The term ‘blue balls’ in and of itself is coercive.” -Dr. Celeste Holbrook

• It’s uncomfortable, sure. But not serious or dire.

• This term should never be used to coerce someone into having sex. Masturbation is always a solution.

• Also did you know women experience blue vulva?

• Does Sex Get Better With Time And Practice? Or are some people just incompatible?

• “The biggest lie we are told is that sex is natural. Sex is biological. We are built for pleasure. We are built for reproduction. Sex is not natural— it is a skill we need to learn.” - Dr. Celeste Holbrook

• As you practice sex and communication more, it can absolutely get better. Work with your partner to explore how to make it feel better for both of you.

• “We are not modeled normative sexual behavior. All sexual behavior we see is performed sexual behavior, either in porn or in media.” - Dr. Celeste Holbrook

Interested in learning more? Starting on September 23rd, Dr. Celeste and I will be hosting a 3-part Sex Ed 101 Workshop series answering all of the questions you have. We’ll be talking about anatomy, consent, and what to expect your first time. You can sign up for just one workshop or all three. Sign up here!

Resources

• Sign up for the Sex Ed Workshop I’m hosting with Dr. Celeste here.
• Listen to Dr. Celeste’s episode of TRC all about painful sex and shame narrative.
• Keep up with Dr. Celeste on IG at @drcelesteholbrook and check out her site.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.

View Details

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #10. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

I thought it’d be cool to end this series with a conversation that meant SO much to me personally. Like if no one else ever heard this call between Mia Fieldes + I -- it wouldn’t really matter, because our chat deeply impacted me.

As a single person who is now 36 years old and has been actively waiting for a very long time to meet my person— there’s times I grow weary. There's times I want to let go of hope and just say forget it. I’m tired of hoping and not getting what I want. I’m tired of the wait. I’m tired of the refining.

Mia Fieldes reminded me that first of all it’s ok to admit that being single is freakin’ hard + also how beautifully possible it is to stay connected to hope. If you are feeling tired and weary of hoping...this episode is for you.

Staying Connected to Hope in Singleness

• "How do you believe God for something that is fully dependent on somebody else's free will?"

• There’s an invitation to follow peace so when you are in a storm peace becomes your anchor.

• "Everyone told me marriage would be hard… and I thought 'yeah but being single is hard.'"

• "When you get to a certain age, people put limitations on you that God never does."

• She notices that everyone seems to be fighting for a piece of the pie, but everyone gets their own whole pie. She got her own promise from God.

Keeping Perspective

• If we spend our energy complaining, we will get no closer to where we want to be. We will receive that negative energy back.

• "You create your world with your words."

• Mia recalls the journey she went on with God guiding her toward a positive mindset and eventually her husband. "God plucked my husband seemingly out of nowhere."

• "If you have to convince someone into something, then believe me someone will convince them out of it."

• It's easy to worry about the things you'll have to compromise on, but when the right person comes along, you'll realize there is no real compromise to be made.

• "It's so important to go to God for yourself and get your own promise. Otherwise you will filter what God is doing with you through everyone else's story."

• "I don't want the plagiarized version of somebody else's story."

• Mia says that her husband, Joren, has been healing for her.

• "God is writing a way bigger story than you can think about."

Top Three Things To Look For In Your Person

1. Growth mindset.
2. Conflict savvy.
3. Communication!

"When you get to a certain age, people put limitations on you that God never does."

What limitations are you putting on yourself, on your circumstances, on God...that God never put on you?

What if despite the evidence, you chose to hope?

What would your life look like if you truly believed that God was using all things for your good?

What if God was conspiring every moment in your life FOR YOU, not against you?

How would your life look?

Would it feel any different?

Would you be acting / being / hoping differently?

I want you to sit with that.

Resources

• Keep up with Mia Fieldes on Instagram at @miafieldes.
• Listen to Mia’s episode of the C3 NYC podcast here.

I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)

If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.

View Details

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #9. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

For today’s second to last TRC Remix episode we have love coach Shaun Galanos. I freakin’ LOVE this guy. He’s a straight shooter and to the point...which honestly is what we need sometimes in dating. For this episode, we collected some of your top dating questions and answered them for you! We cover everything from cheating to ghosting to finances to ‘how do you know if they’re the one?’ to what to do if you hate online dating.

“Why do men ghost? Especially if the man asked for my number and texted me.”

1. They don’t care
2. They don’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation with you
3. That’s all they know how to do
4. They want to ghost you before you ghost them
5. They want to hurt you/make you sad
6. They don’t want to hurt your feelings
7. They feel guilty

“How do I manage finances in relationships when we have different standards of spending habits?”

• Values around money and debt are important— you should share those values.
• The money conversation can be a turnoff or red flag for someone if you bring it up early on.

“How do you know if it’s the right person, just the wrong time?”

• If what you’re really asking is:
• • “Am I making the right choice? Is there better?” Stop overthinking!
  • “I’ve been rejected, but should I just wait for them?” Move on! “If someone says no, take it as a no, believe them, and let the universe sort it out on the back end.”

“Can I build a relationship with someone I used to cheat with?”

• You can do anything you want in life, but ask yourself “Is this good for me?”
• There are so many ways to view a situation like this, some are fantasies and some are more riddled with problems.
• If it’s something you really want to pursue, go to counseling with that person to work on how you can make this relationship better.

“Be honest, have you ever decided not to date a girl because of her ethnicity?”

• Neither of us have not dated someone because of their ethnicity.
• I share what I’ve noticed of my own behavior on dating apps when it comes to race and how I’ve been reflecting on that and learning what has influenced that behavior.

“How can I make the first move without being too forward/intimidating as a woman?”

• “Just do it. Stop sitting on the sidelines hoping that he notices you and just do it.”

• It’s time to move on from the whole “men are hunters and women are prey” analogy, because guess what? Hunters don’t woo their prey!

• Ask yourself what’s holding you back— are you afraid of asking because you’re afraid of the answer?

“How do you date in 2020 when you really hate internet dating?”

• Ask yourself: what did people do before online dating became a thing?
• Don’t look down on the idea of being set-up!
• Get used to saying hi to strangers.

“How can I get context when it’s basically over text due to distance?”

• So I guess we’ve all just forgotten about phone calls, huh? Pick up the phone! You can get so much more context in a conversation when you hear their voice.
• I know a lot of us feel safer over text, but it’s so incomplete.
• Always make sure the big conversations are done over the phone or in person.

“I like masturbation, but I’m worried I’m not going to like sex when I get married.”

• Focus on masturbation now and worry about sex later. If you understand your own pleasure, you are setting yourself up for some really positive experiences with your partner.

• “Start talking about sex…so that it becomes a natural part of your relationship.”

• The book Slow Sex by Diana Richardson explores the idea that you should focus on your own pleasure and ask for what you want.

• None of this is possible without communication!*

“You will get more information when you ask for the thing that you want.”

One of my big takeaways from Shaun is that we have the permission to communicate exactly what we want, need, and desire from day one in any relationship or interaction.

If you’re unclear where you stand, have a conversation.

If you want to ask someone out, just ask them out.

If you want clarity, ask for it.

I love how Shaun put it in our convo: “You will get more information when you ask for the thing that you want.”

It may sound scary, but it’s actually so incredibly FREEING.

Resources

• Keep up with Shaun on IG at @thelovedrive and on TikTok at @thelovedrive.
• Check out his course on healthy communication at thelovedrive.com.
• Shaun’s Love Drive videos on YouTube.
• IG post about why men ghost.
• An article Shaun wrote about ghosting.
• An IGTV Shaun did all about ghosting.
• Read Slow Sex by Diana Richardson
• Want to dive into a deeper conversation about masturbation? Listen to the Masturbation Series on The Refined Collective.
• Want to dive into a deeper conversation about sex? Check out Dr. Celeste Holbrook on The Refined Collective.

I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)

If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.

Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

View Details

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #8. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

Today’s TRC Remix Episode is all about Dating 101: everything from dealbreakers to online dating profile no-nos to finding someone who’s our “type” + the #1 myth keeping you stuck! I have this conversation with my good friend + singleness + dating expert: Stephanie May Wilson.

DATING 101: Types + Deal Breakers

• Online dating profiles vs. Meeting IRL.
• We may have a type, but we have to stop making our searches so narrow—the perfect man may not be who you pictured him to be.

DATING 101: It's A Curb, Not A Cliff

• Real talk: we need to be as intentional about dating as we are with our career or fitness.

• We chat about the pressure to have meet cutes and the number one frustration women come to her looking for answers to.

• "You deserve someone who wants to be with you."

• What do you do with all this hope and confusion? Live this season of your life to the fullest. Show up!

DATING MYTH: There Are No Good Guys.

• "There are better things we can do with that focus that actually get us to where we want to be."

• Find ways to put yourself out there more. Just get involved in your community.

• Disappointment is part of the dating process. It's getting you ready for marriage, which is signing up to be disappointed by the same person for your whole life.

Feeling discouraged? God hasn't forgotten you. It isn't too late. You are not less than others because you are single. You are not unlovable. You don't have to figure this out alone.

The biggest thing that stood out to me in this episode is when Stephanie said: the #1 thing we should look for in a person is that they are also interested in us! Receiving this and understanding this would have transformed my 20s and early 30s. I can’t tell you how in love I would be with a guy friend and how I just let myself stay in the friend zone forgetting to remember that ‘Oh my gosh I GET TO BE WITH A GUY WHO WANTS ME BACK.’ I would’ve saved myself so much heartache!

What about you? What stood out to you about today’s episode! Share a quote or thought on IG stories + tag @therefinedcollective. I’d love to hear what came up for you!

Resources:

• Keep up with Stephanie at StephanieMayWilson.com and on IG at @smaywilson
• Listen to Stephanie’s podcast Girls Night (listen to my episode here;))
• Grab Every Single Moment for 15% off with code KAT
• Grab The Between Places for 15% off with code REFINED
• Watch my Patreon video: Are Your Standards Too High?

I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

View Details

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #7. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

Today’s TRC Remix episode is a solo show. I’m talking about sex in dating— specifically when and how to bring up your physical boundaries in dating and why it’s important to have these honest and open conversations early on in dating. I share why I used to be afraid and ashamed to talk about my choice to abstain from sex and how I clearly communicate my boundaries from the get-go today shame free.

Disclaimer: In this episode, I am talking about specific people from the Bachelor franchise and I want you to know I have zero judgement for anyone that I mention— I just use these specific situations on the show in order to illustrate what I’m talking about!

Why I was afraid to tell guys I wasn't having sex until marriage:

• Fear of rejection
• Assumption.
• Shut down to my sexuality.
• I didn’t know my why.

3 things to think about before you have 'the talk'

• Know your why

• Your decision has to be internally motivated

• QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF:
• • What does sex mean to me?
  • How do you define sex? Why do you define it that way?
  • What is god's heart for intimacy + sex?
  • What is your heart for intimacy + sex?
  • Why or why not is this a value for me?

• Assume nothing

• Just because they share your faith does not mean you have the same physical boundaries. No kissing until marriage to everything but penetration—including anal—to some people who love Jesus and choose to have pre-marital sex.

• Zero shame

• Rejection is protection!! It may make my dating pool smaller, but it makes it stronger.

WHEN: By date 3…although NYC dating culture moves quickly…so it's not odd if I bring it up on the 1st date.

3 Reasons to Have the Sex Talk Early on

• Set yourself up for success
• • If you're not having sex before marriage — this may help set-up physical boundaries in dating.What didn't work for me…getting naked on the first date.
• Be kind
• • If I'm getting what I want—but if he thinks this is leading elsewhere it's in a sense being dishonest.
• Create a culture of honesty + communication aka: CONSENT IS SEXY!

The only way a relationship can last + build trust is through communication. As a couple you get to decide what boundaries will work for you—It's an ongoing conversation. A boundary might have worked in the past, but things may shift. I HAVE AN EASY OUT: I talk about this stuff professionally. However, the more I've shared, the easier it's become. It's a non-issue for me. Here is what I say: "Hey, I just want to be upfront. I don't have sex until marriage + that's not like a cute thing I say…I really mean it. So I just wanted to throw that out there + see where you're at + what you think!"

Resources:

• 30 minute free call with Christian Sexologist Dr. Celeste Holbrook
• The Bible: Flee from Sexual Immorality
• TRC Episode 007: Kat’s ‘Why’
• Kat’s conversation on God is Grey
• Read Sexless in the City
• TRC Episode 155: What Does the Bible Really Say About Sex?
• Hear more about my current dating life and what it’s like to date as a person with a public platform over on Patreon.

I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)

Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.

View Details

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #6. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

Are you single?

In need of a dating breakthrough?

Does it feel like there are no good single ones left?

Does it feel easy to see lack all around you?

But what if...you are the common denominator in all your dating or lack thereof experiences? What if you could actually be the one who’s blocking yourself from love? Certified Relationship Coach Jillian Turecki offers some profound insight on just this. Get ready from some hard + also super practical truths.

“Our entire experience of life boils down to relationships. From the intimacy we crave with a partner to the success we achieve through our work. None of it is possible without understanding our own psychology and the psychology of those we relate to. We never learned this at school, but it is learnable.” - Jillian Turecki

What does it mean to be blocked from love?

• Your psychology determines your energy and how you show up in your life.

• “Just because you really want something, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s coming to you as quickly as you would like it to come.”

• When we’re in a desperate place we’re blocking ourselves.

5 ways to identify if you’re blocking yourself from love:

1. Fear.
2. Hopeless.
3. Anxiety
4. Despair
5. Obsession

How our beliefs impact our ability to attract love:

• “Whatever we believe, we’ll see evidence of it everywhere.”

• You have the ability to challenge your beliefs:

• • Is this really true?
  • Is it possible you could be wrong?
• We don’t do anything that doesn’t have a side benefit.

• Ask yourself these 2 questions:

• What’s the reward you’re getting for these beliefs?

• Why are you trying to keep yourself safe + protected?

A Roadmap to Clear the Way for Love: 6 Practical things you can do today.

1. Identify the beliefs that are holding you back.
2. Break free from the addiction of surrounding yourself with people with the same limiting beliefs. Talk to people who don’t share those beliefs about love and are able to offer you a different perspective.
3. Identify the experiences in your life that have led you here.
4. Ask yourself: Is your perspective freeing you or choking you?
5. Self-worth: When we obsess over love, it’s because deep down we doubt we’re worthy of it.
6. Enough-ness: Where are your fears of not being enough getting in your way?

#1 thing you can do to unblock love:

• Learn how to be secure in your worth and make yourself happy as opposed to waiting for someone to make you happy:
• • Marriage is not the be all end all.
  • Mixed Messages: if someone is uncertain about you—there have to be boundaries.

• “If a guy likes you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you’ll be confused.”

How buying into the myth of the ‘independent woman’ could be keeping you from love:

• Are you independent, codependent, or interdependent?
• • Codependence: I can’t be happy unless you’re happy. I don’t know what my needs are. I can’t focus on my life because I’m only focusing on yours.
  • Independence: I don’t need anyone. If I’m vulnerable I’m weak.
  • Interdependence: I love you, but I don’t need you to make me happy.

Healing is possible! Remember you have the permission to rewrite your story at any moment!

Resources:

• Check out Jillian’s website here, where you can join her Conscious Woman Membership.
• Follow Jillian on Instagram at @jillianturecki
• Have any questions for Jillian? Reach out to her here! Or email her at info@jillianturecki.com.

I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.

I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)

Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

View Details

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #5. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

Today’s TRC Remix episode is with Theologian and powerhouse Phylicia Masonheimer. In this conversation she candidly shares how her husband wasn’t her ‘type’ when they met. We move through the question: as a woman should we be looking for a ‘spiritual leader’ and what does that even mean when we say that? And finally she shares the top 3 things to look for in a partner.

The Way They Met

• Phylicia shares how she didn’t see her husband as her type when she met him, but he loved her so well and he loved God--so she decided to give it a shot to see if feelings could develop.

Do I need to be led spiritually by someone else?

• Do we need to be at the same place on our spiritual journey with the person we date and marry?
• The church taught us that we need to be led by men who act as our spiritual leaders, but ‘spiritual leader’ isn’t mentioned anywhere in the Bible.

• Phylicia shares the difference between complementarian views and the egalitarian views within Christianity.

• “We’re after the leader heart… not just somebody who has collected a lot of Bible knowledge.”

Questions to Ask the Guy You’re Getting to Know

1. Does he desire God? Does he desire to know God? Does he desire to go deeper?
2. Is he dependent on his friends or parents to be spiritual?
3. What are his sexual boundaries and standards?

3 Things to Look For in a Partner

• Loves God
• Works hard
• Humility

“If he has those three things, then he can grow, he can change, he can develop + adapt. But it’s really hard to be tied to an unbeliever, a lazy man, or a stubborn man.”

Why you should date someone that share your faith / worldview?

• Phylicia recalls the time she was dating someone who didn’t share her faith. She was unsure if she should move forward, so she asked God for a sign. She received three.

• “You’ve known the truth all along.”

• 2 Corinthians 6:14 — “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.”…with fundamentally different worldviews you’re pulling in different directions—you want to be with someone who is moving forward with you.

• Since this episode went live, I do a deeper dive on the question: should I date / marry a Christian HERE.

Resources

• You can buy her book, Stop Calling Me Beautiful, here.
• Keep up with her at PhyliciaMasonheimer.com or on Instagram at @phyliciamasonheimer.

I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

View Details

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #4. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

Today’s TRC Remix episode is with Christian Sexologist Dr. Celeste Holbrook. In this conversation we unpack her experience growing up in purity culture, and her painfully awkward experience of having sex for the first time on her wedding day. Dr. Celeste offers insight and challenging questions like: How do we define sex? Why do we define it that way? What is sexuality? How is it different from sensuality? Dr. Celeste is raw, honest, and incredibly helpful in navigating a healthy, shame-free conversation around sex, desire, and pleasure...so here we go!

The Moment They Were Waiting For

• When she first had sex, it was extremely painful and not enjoyable for her.

• "I thought I was going to be rewarded with great sex."

• This disconnect between Celeste and her husband began to erode their relationship.

• "I felt a lot of shame for not living up to what I thought I should be sexually."

• She realized she never had good sex education. She decided to embark on a journey to unlearn shame, and to learn her body in a fresh way.

Deconstructing Sex And Shame

• "I went through that process so that I could enter into a sexual space and feel worthy of pleasure and sex that felt good."

• After experiencing breakthrough and pain-free sex, she made it her mission to help others in similar circumstances and pivoted from studying behavior to sexual behavior.

• "Although it's a natural biological thing, it doesn't come naturally. You have to learn how to do it just like riding a bike."

• Madonna Whore Complex: "You're shamed if you have too much sex and you're shamed if you have no sex. There's this pendulum that we can't seem to step out of."

What Is Sexuality?

• Sexuality is way more than just sex, desire, or physical intimacy.

• "Sexuality is far more than that bottom layer of what it looks like biologically."

What Is Sex?

• A lot of single Christian women are wondering about physical boundaries in sex.
• 75% of women don't climax from vaginal sex—they climax from clitoral stimulation.
• Freud told women that to have an orgasm through clitoral stimulation is to be infantile.

• In 1998, neurologist Helen Connoll put the clitoris into the journal of sexual medicine.

• "Limiting the term 'sex' to 'penis' and 'vagina' is marginalizing and produces shame."

• Pleasure gets confused with hedonism, but pleasure is acknowledged in Matthew 6:26.

• "We can't have a conversation about pleasure and spirituality without having a conversation about sensuality."

What is Sensuality?

• "When we think about us as sensual beings, we are literally experiencing the creation and the creator through all five of our senses."

• Sensuality can be as simple as being in the moment. We can't experience our senses in the past or future… only the present.

• What does celibacy mean to you when sensuality and sexuality are closely related? You can embrace sensuality in these smaller ways before we have sex.

Books To Read:

• Sexless in the City by Kat Harris
• Sex God by Rob Bell
• Good Christian Sex by Bromleigh McCleneghan
• Shameless by Nadia Bolz-Weber
• Come As You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski

If any parts of this conversation have felt triggering for you, just know that whatever you're feeling is valid. There is no judgement. Validate your feelings and then question why those feelings are coming up for you. "Our God is one that encourages curious questions and sincere questioning." Celeste has so many resources for you, including...

Resources:

• 20 sex-enhancing questions for free on her website.
• She also offers free 30-minute discovery calls. If you have questions about anything we talked about today, go to her website and click on "30 Minute Discovery Call."
• She also has courses for one on one consulting if that feels right for you.
• Keep up with Dr. Celeste on Instagram at @drcelesteholbrook.

Ladies, does it ever feel like your shorts were just not made for you? Title Nine is performance outdoor gear made by women for women that you can wear working out, hiking, or just running errands. It is built to perform and made to last. Go to TitleNine.com/refined for $10 off and free shipping on your order over $100!

This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from MadeIn Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #3. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

I am so excited to be chatting with my soul sister Kate Eskuri today! This episode we're talking all about PERIODS. Ladies (and gentleman), you're going to learn so much more about your period than you ever did in health class. Kate is a registered nurse, holistic health junkie, and the voice behind The Foundation Blog. Since recording this episode, she is officially a DNP aka a Doctor of Nursing Practice. She is passionate about helping women maximize their health with simple and foundational health practices. Our hope is that this conversation will empower you to do research and make informed decisions for that time of the month.

Finding The Balance

• Kate took a year off from being a nurse in the Mayo Clinic to work on her sister Jenna Kutcher's Goal Digger Podcast. During this time, she realized her passion for integrative health.

• "What are you doing when you're putting off something else?"

• She knows that areas of Western medicine need improvement, but also recognizes that this medicine is the reason we are alive today after seeing it in action in the ICU.

• However, chronic conditions that plague our country prove a need for a shift toward the holistic. We need to look at sleep, stress, and diet.

• "I feel very at home in this spot in the middle."

Becoming A Woman

• "Everything in my life was very natural but yet I was still controlling this really natural and beautiful cycle."

• Kate never felt any shame around her period. "I just felt honored and excited about it."

• Her periods were regular but were more frequent than they should have been. "It takes a while to normalize your cycle."

• Wanting to prevent this near constant bleeding, she tried the NuvaRing but ultimately settled on the Mirena IUD which allowed her to continue ovulating.

Cons of Hormonal Contraceptive

• "I completely trust my fellow woman to make the choice that is best for her. There is an option that is right for everybody."

• The hormones in contraceptives are not the exact hormones your body would make.

• Hormonal contraception often suppresses ovulation and ultimately suppresses hormones that are natural and have important benefits.

"You're inhibiting a very natural process that goes a lot deeper than just your period."

The Phases Of Your Cycle

Ladies + Gents--the below is just an overview...you gotta listen to the whole episode to get the goods of each phase of your cycle!

Menstruation/Winter

• Day 1: shedding the uterine lining.
• You're maybe feeling moody or withdrawn, experiencing cramps, and a need to slow down. It's like the 'winter' season of the cycle.

Follicular/Spring

• Day 3 or 4: Follicle stimulating hormone is working on the dominant egg.
• More energy in this phase, almost like stepping back into your skin.

• This time is good for creative projects and you'll experience clear thinking.

• "You feel energetic and attractive... it's just a really vibrant time."

Ovulation/Summer

• Body releases egg as the pituitary gland signals for it to release.

• "You can't kind of ovulate—you either ovulate or you don't."

• High energy, high sex drive, you feel attractive. Your hormones even make you more attractive to those around you. There is a study that shows a correlation between a woman's scent during ovulation and a man's attraction to her.

Luteal/Fall

• Progesterone—can make you moody and somber, but it's really important.

• "It is the yin to estrogen's yang."

• Progesterone is calming, helps sleep, reduces inflammation, + builds muscles.

• "The shift from being so estrogen dominant at parts of your cycle to progesterone dominant causes an influx of emotion—what we see as PMS."

Getting To Know Your Period

• "Your period health says a lot about your overall health."

• Track Your Cycle!

• Kate journals every morning and will write about how she is feeling on the previous day of her cycle. A few key words is all you need—nothing flashy!

• Kate uses the Ava app and Kat uses the My Flo app.

• "Your period story does not have to be suffering every month."

Books To Read:

• The Period Repair Manual by Laura Briden (textbook info in novel format)
• Hormonal by Martie Haselton (quick + easy relatable read)

Thoughts On Period Products

• Thoughts on tampons? "Invest in organic—it does matter." Regular tampons are covered in toxins.
• Thoughts on menstrual cups? Tampons are single use and create waste so this is a great alternative. Kate uses OrganiCup and LOVES it. "I can't believe I lived for so long without using it." It's easy to clean—simply boil between cycles. It may not be for everybody—some women say they experience more cramps using a cup.

• Thoughts on Thinx? Kate hasn't tried them, but Kat has some friends that swear by them and only use them during their periods.

• "Whatever makes you feel most at home and comfortable with your period… I say go for it."

• “It all comes back to the base of introducing small integrative habits into your day to live your most balanced and vibrant life."

Resources:

• Grab the organic menstrual cup I use here.
• Keep up with Kate on Instagram at @kate.eskuri
• Check out Kate’s website, thefoundationblog.com
• Read Kate’s blog post about using acupressure for periods!
• Sign up for Kate’s email list to get access to exclusive content.

I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.

I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series Part II. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

Today is part TWO of a conversation on masturbation on the podcast. If you missed part one, check it out here before you listen to this episode. This week, I’ll be continuing a layered and nuanced conversation addressing the thing no one wants to say out loud, but everyone is dying to talk about: masturbation.

Is it a sin?

Does the Bible say anything about it?

Brokenness is the beginning of the gospel. —David Kim.

Is Masturbation A Sin?

• My honest answer is: yes, no, maybe.
• All the way from Genesis to Revelation there’s this rhythm we see of death to life, brokenness to restoration, renewal and redemption.
• • [1]Clearly there is some real brokenness in how pleasure is approached, but if Jesus came to make all things new, is it possible that He could have a redemptive vision for this too?

• 1 Corinthians 6:12-13; 10:23

• • Paul says it twice: Everything is lawful, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.

How Can Masturbation Be A Win?

5 Things to Consider

Pleasure

• God is for our pleasure. How do I know? Taste buds, sunsets, brownie sundaes, and the only purpose of the clitoris is pleasure.

Practice Healthy Consent

• Consent in sexual encounters whether it’s a hug or sex is VITAL. But if we don’t know what we want or what feels good we won’t have the tools to communicate our wants and needs.

• Masturbation can be a way to:

• • Know your body.
  • Know what feels good and doesn’t feel good.
  • And have the ability to communicate that.

Mutual Honor and Acceptance

• We put on other people a tenth of what we put on ourselves. If I judge, shame, dismiss my sexual desire and in essence don’t accept it, how can I accept my partner’s?

Connection and Innocence

• To God:
• • Mark 12:29-30— love God with all of you.

• To self and others:

• • Matthew 18:3— be like little children.
  • If little children can masturbate in innocence, can we not get back to that as well?

Practice Being Present: Sensuality

• Dr. Celeste Holbrook, the Christian sexologist, describes sensuality beautifully: it’s the act of being present. She talks about how toddlers are the most sensual beings because they’re in a constant state of discovery.
• Porn and masturbation are not mutually exclusive.
• Removes fear and shame around body, self, and sexual desire.

5 Questions to Ask Yourself

Am I addicted to porn?

• I am not here to shame you if this is your story.
• Masturbation for a person addicted to porn would be like a drunk living at a bar. Not a win for you right now.
• Phylicia Masonheimer has some amazing resources for you around this topic.
• Sexuality can be activated by abuse. If that is your story, I am so sorry and remember that it is never your fault. Your sexuality is not tainted and you have permission to work through this.

Why am I feeling turned on right now?

• 50 Shades of Grey, porn, or a normal Wednesday afternoon?
• What am I really looking for at this moment? Connection? Intimacy? Release?

How can I honor myself, God, and my future in this moment?

• Really take the time to answer this question for yourself.

If shame weren’t a part of the conversation, how would I show up?

• Shame and fear is not the heart of God— Ephesians 3— rooted and grounded in love. Jesus came for the abundant life— not a spirit of fear, but of power!
• Is it possible to masturbate and stay present and not fantasize?
• Is it possible to remain in healthy community with myself, God and others and masturbate?
• Is it possible to experience self-pleasure and remain outward focused? Yes!
• Grace Alone: In every other area of our lives we’re willing to fumble, but sexually we’re so terrified. It’s like 1-strike you’re out and sent to the pit of hell. No!
• Just because some people may become alcoholics, doesn’t mean everyone will.

Who am I becoming? (Jon Tyson)

• What are the actions, words, choices of your life propelling you towards?
• When to discern if this is problematic behavior?
• • Porn/erotica.
  • Isolation.
  • Keeping you from relationship.
  • Distraction from everyday activities.
  • Can’t work, go out, or sleep without it— like any addiction.
  • Fantasy land vs. real life.

So is masturbation a sin? Yes, no, maybe. Where is your heart? I have masturbated in all 3 scenarios. Give yourself permission to search your heart, to explore, and seek God’s heart. If fear is a part of the conversation, reject it!

Resources:

• Embrace Your Sexuality Mini Course.
• Sign up for one on one coaching with me here.
• Phylicia Masonheimer offers 7-day free content for those struggling with porn addiction.
• Celeste’s TRC episode: Purity Culture, Painful Sex + Debunking Shame Narrative
• Phylicia Masonheimer’s TRC episode: Who Should I Date?
• Jon Tyson’s TRC episode: Developing a New Vision for Christian Sexuality
• Grab a copy of my book, Sexless in the City!

Books to Read:

Note: I don’t agree with everything in these books, but they are great resources

• Redeeming Sex by Debra Hirsch
• Mingling of the Souls by Matt Chandler
• Sex God by Rob Bell
• Theology of the Body for Beginners: A Basic Introduction to Pope John Paul II's Sexual Revolution by Christopher West
• Check out all of the books I recommend about God and Sex here.

[1] Timothy Keller. The Gospel in All Its Forms. Acts 29, December 12, 2008. https://www.acts29.com/tim-keller-explains-the-gospel/. Accessed September 10, 2019. Another incredible resource on this is the book Every Good Endeavor by Timothy Keller. It’s a book I wish I would’ve read when I was in my 20s; it would’ve saved me a lot of heartache.

[2] “He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” (New International Version, Revelation 21:5).

I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.

You’ve probably heard a lot about collagen over the years and know several people who swear by it. I’m here to tell you that it’s worth the hype. Collagen helps reduce fine lines and helps ease joint discomfort— pretty cool, right? You can put it in everything from a smoothie to banana bread. Go to AncientNutrition.com and use code REFINED for 20% off your first order.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

You may have heard on Instagram that The Refined Collective reached 1 million downloads! This is a huge milestone and I want to CELEBRATE that with you! We have over 150 episodes from the last 3.5 years and I spent some time digging through the archives to find the most downloaded episodes ever to share with you over the next 10 weeks. If you're new to TRC, buckle up, because we have some incredible content coming your way. And if you've been here a while, hold tight, because a good refresh on this stuff never hurt! Also, while we're going through the archives, I'm going to spend some time dreaming up what's next for TRC! (And truthfully, I need a break from interviews for a bit!) But I didn’t want to leave you hanging while I took a little break! So get excited, + welcome to TRC REMIX!

Are you ready to revisit (or visit for the first time) the most downloaded episode on TRC history? This is Part 1 of a conversation I had been avoiding having with you guys in a solo show because I was afraid of getting it wrong or someone taking a sound bite out of context. This is a nuanced conversation with a lot of grey areas, but I didn’t want fear to keep me from this dialogue. So I dove into the topic and the response was overwhelming in the best way. Now let’s dive back in!

Here’s what I won’t do:

• Tell you what to do.

• Give you a script to regurgitate to yourself and others to justify any of your actions.

• Shame or judge you for your past or your current decisions.
• Try to fix you or convince you of anything.

What I hope to do:

• Point you to Jesus, Scripture, and nuance.
• Normalize a healthy conversation around sex, sexuality, desire, and yes— masturbation
• • The word alone can feel shame inducing, right? How many times do you say ‘masturbation’ out loud on a regular basis?
  • God is not ashamed of our sexual desire and sexuality—he created it (Genesis 1: 26-31).

• Give you tools to equip you to navigate your faith, values, and a dialogue around masturbation.

• Don’t take my word for it—I’m not God. This is where I am at after close to 7 years of researching, praying, doubting, trial and error, and tough conversations.
• God created you with a mind—use it!
• Finally, it’s ok if we don’t see eye to eye—we can still love, respect, and honor one another even if we come to different conclusions.

My Personal Story:

Before we move forward with vision and walk out today with clarity, we have to be willing to look backwards: how, why, and through what means did we get here?

• Home: ‘It’s okay to masturbate.’
• School: Silence.
• Friends: Silence, masked conversations, and shame.
• Culture: ‘Do what feels good.’
• Church: All wrong, all the time, shut down your desire until marriage—only guys struggle with sexual desire.

4 Questions to Ask Yourself

1. What do you currently believe about masturbation and why?
2. What were you taught about masturbation at home, school, from friends, culture, and church?
3. Where and how were those beliefs formed?

4. Are those sexual scripts/beliefs rooted in fear or freedom?

5. Identify the shame agenda + the Jesus agenda.

The Big ‘O’: The Power of the Orgasm

• When we orgasm, dopamine and oxytocin are released in a surge in our bodies.
• • Dopamine is a neurotransmitter released from the reward center part of our brain associated with pleasure.
  • Oxytocin is a feel-good hormone. One of its sole purposes is to create deep bonds between people. This is like “soul ties.”

The Harem Within: C.S. Lewis

“For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself…and turns it back: sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself . . . .After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison”[1]

• My pleasure is #1 priority

• Ephesians 5: Respect our husbands and husbands to serve their wives like Christ served the church.

• Our sexual experiences with our spouses should be outward focused, let’s serve each other—not ‘I’m feeling turned on, get me off, and then roll over.’

• Ends on self

• Sexuality = desire for ‘o’ others.

• Gets us outside of our heads and into relationship/community with others.

• No iron sharpens iron here folks

• Conflict resolution.

• Mirrors of each other.
• Constant growth.

• “Brides always adored” or “yes men.”

• FANTASY LAND: Loving the prison more than real life

• I don’t want to get so good at getting myself off that I don’t need another person.

• 91% of millennials masturbate (19 and 36 for SKYN's 2018 Millennial Sex Survey, and found that 91 percent of respondents masturbated.)
• 2015—Pornhub site: 60% of its users were millennials.
• Compartmentalized and scratching an itch that we don’t need to/want to take the risk of being in a relationship and dating.
• Avoiding: heartbreak, awkwardness, conflict, rejection.
• Is this why so many of us in the church are single? We’re getting just enough of our “itches” scratched that the risk of truly putting ourselves out there to be in a relationship is not worth it?

Don’t worry, I won’t leave you hanging. Process what we’ve just gone through today and get ready for Part 2 coming next Wednesday. In the meantime, journal through the questions I ask above under “4 Questions to Ask Yourself.” Make sure you’re subscribed to the podcast so the next episode will download straight to your devices!!

[1] C.S. Lewis. Personal Letter From Lewis to Keith Masson found in The Collected Letters of C.S. Lewis, Volume 3: Narnia, Cambridge, and Joy 1950-1963. (New York: Harper Collins, 2007).

Resources

• Your Mind Matters by John Stott
• How to Embrace Your Sexuality Mini Course
• Sign up for one on one coaching with me here.
• Be sure + grab a copy of my book Sexless in the City.

Ladies, does it ever feel like your shorts were just not made for you? Title Nine is performance outdoor gear made by women for women that you can wear working out, hiking, or just running errands. It is built to perform and made to last. Go to TitleNine.com/refined for $10 off and free shipping on your order over $100!

This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from Made In Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Today’s guest is a pretty big deal... I’m talking with the author of a book that has changed my life. Christopher West is a Doctor of Theology, devoted husband, father of five, and president of the Theology of the Body Institute. He is also the author of Good News About Sex and Marriage, Theology of the Body, and Our Bodies Tell God’s Story. Today, we talk about God’s divine vision for the woman’s body, and body theology 101.

Why have we demonized the Female Body?

• “If Christmas is real, then woman’s body is heaven on earth. It is the dwelling place of the most high God. What does the enemy want to do? He wants to desecrate the temple.” -Christopher West

• Book of Genesis— Lucifer’s hatred aimed at the woman and her ability to bear offspring

• “Jealousy says ‘I wish I had what you have.’ But envy goes a step further and it says ‘I hate that you have it and I want you to hate that you have it.’” -Christopher West

“That’s the purpose of the body— to overflow with divine love.” -Christopher West

What is the root of toxic masculinity?

• Chrstipher unpacks the idea of toxic masculinity in a biblical lens.

• “The problem is that fallen men are exerting their fallen masculinity in this world. And fallen masculinity is always aimed at women in a degrading kind of way.” -Christopher West

• Ephesians 3 // Apostle Paul says his mission is to make plain to everyone the mystery that has been hidden in God

• Ephesians 5 // “This is a mega mystery— and it refers to Christ and the church”

“One woman’s body changed the world because she said yes to God’s plan for her life.” - Christopher West

Resources

• Check out TheologyoftheBody.com for more resources.
• Listen to Christopher’s podcast with his wife, Wendy, here.
• Keep up with Christopher on IG at @cwestofficial and @tobinstitute.
• Read Christopher’s book, Theology of the Body.
• Be sure + grab a copy of my book Sexless in the City.

I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.

Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

I grew up in the Bible Belt South.

I was taught good Christians save sex for marriage.

I loved God + wanted to do it ‘His way’, so I nodded + smiled.

Only in my late 20s did I realize I had no idea what the Bible actually said about sex.

I only knew what my pastors told me.

I needed to find out for myself what the Bible really said about sex, + then I needed to decide if I cared what it had to say.

This episode unpacks Part II of that journey.

Last week on the podcast, I shared all about my experience growing up in Christian culture, my choice to wait until marriage for sex, and the major struggle waiting was for me. In last weeks episode, I also did a deep dive into what the New Testament says about sex. If you haven’t listened yet, make sure you do that here. This week, I am continuing the conversation with an exploration of the Old Testament.

There’s a deeper ‘why’

• 1 Samuel 16:7 // God looks at the heart.
• Genesis 1:1 // Creation of humanity and climax of creation.
• God acknowledges that it is not good for humans to be alone, but he doesn’t instantly satisfy that longing. He let’s Adam work and sit in his desire.
• Chapter 2 of Genesis //

The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones

and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called ‘woman,’

for she was taken out of man.”

24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Introducing sex

• The initial precendence of sex was post-marriage.
• “Yada” Jewish word ‘to know’ is used to describe sex— it also happens to be the same word used for God knowing us. It’s not just these physical acts, it’s MIND, BODY, SOUL, SPIRIT, DEEP KNOWING.
• In Hebrew culture, you moved out once and it meant something. The man would build her a house. But today, we move all the time and have dozens of roommates.
• These houses were often built on his family property— this means a few things:
• • Job
  • Willing to put in the time for her
  • Diligence
  • Showing everyone he’s a one woman kind of guy
  • Willing to do whatever it takes to let her know he’s in it for the long haul

“I’ve kissed more than one guy who wanted to kiss me after a couple of drinks at night, but never wanted to hold my hand in the daylight at brunch with his friends on a Saturday.” - Kat Harris

The Bible is (ummm…) Erotic

• The Song of Solomon was so erotic that Hebrew boys weren’t allowed to read it until they were men.
• King Solomon’s wife expresses enthusiastic consent and empowered sexuality from the get-go showing sex was about more than pro-creation: Pleasure matters to God.

“I saw a God vision for sex that is robust and beautiful and deep and rich… and it was transforming to me.” - Kat Harris

Reflection Questions

• What are your thoughts on sex after listening to Part I + II?
• Has anything shifted?
• What question do you still have?
• How would you describe the genesis 2 type of love?

Resources

• I take this conversation so much deeper in my book. Be sure + grab a copy of: Sexless in the City
• Join our Patreon community for exclusive videos
• Listen to the audio of Chapter 1 of my book for FREE: My Breaking Point
• Listen to What the Bible Really Says About Sex: Part II

I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINED35 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)

You’ve probably heard a lot about collagen over the years and know several people who swear by it. I’m here to tell you that it’s worth the hype. Collagen helps reduce fine lines and helps ease joint discomfort— pretty cool, right? You can put it in everything from a smoothie to banana bread. Go to AncientNutrition.com and use code REFINED for 20% off your first order.

I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.

View Details

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Warning: This episode covers a sensitive topic. I want to give you the opportunity to pause and listen when you are alone or use some headphones if you’re around delicate ears.

What does the Bible really say about sex?

Is there a difference between sexual desire and desire for sex?

How do I embrace my sexuality?

What if I never meet someone?

My journey has been imperfect, but the stumbles led me to where I am today. In this episode, I share my own stumbles in waiting for marriage, including the relationships that made me really question my decision to wait for marriage. If you want to hear more of that journey, check out My Breaking Point, an episode of the podcast where I read an excerpt from my book, Sexless in the City. After that breaking point, I decided to make my faith my own and find out why I believed what I believed. Here is Part I of what I discovered. (Part II coming next week.)

Where + When does the Bible talk about Sex?

• The phrases “sexual immorality” or “fornification” popped up a lot in the New Testament and were always accompanied by the word “flee.”
• In 1 Corinthians 6:18, Paul tells the church to flee from porneia.
• In 1 Corinthians 7:1–2 Paul encourages the Corinth church to get married in order to avoid the temptation of porneia. This set of verses is often used during biblical teaching on abstinence.
• • Porneia: blanket word that encapsulated a lot of different things: pedophilia, beastiality, adultery…in essence it’s this bundled term for any sexual activity outside of marriage.
  • I can trust that if there is an invitation to flee from something it’s not because God hates sex or sexual activity…it’s because God has a more grand vision for whatever the thing is…

“Make a decision that is not rooted in ‘should’ or external expectation or shame, but one that is connected to abundance, wholeness, and freedom.” - Kat Harris

What Exactly is Sex?

• How do you define sex?
• Where did you come up with said definition?
• Is sex one act? Or a pool of experiences?
• What if you identify as LGBTQ+? Are the only people who can lose their virginity those who experience heterosexual attraction?
• What if your partner is experiencing impotence?
• What if you’re one of the 75% of females who only experience climax/orgasm through external stimulation?
• Does your deffinition of sex expand when you consider these questions?

“I didn’t want to redefine sex because if I did, I might not be a virgin anymore.” - Kat Harris

Next episode, I’ll unpack what I found in the Old Testament about God and sex. But for now...

Reflection Questions

• Have you felt as a person of faith that your virginity is tied to your standing with God?
• How would you define sex?
• Why would you define it that way?
• Where did you come up with said definition?
• What stood out to you today?
• Pool of experiences vs. vertical race to a misguided goal.
• Sit with it. Process. Talk with your friends about it.

Resources

• Buy my book Sexless in the City
• Join our Patreon community for exclusive videos
• Listen to My Breaking Point

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This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from MadeIn Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Prayer is talking to God.

Meditation is learning to listen to the voice of God.

One of my yoga instructors told me that years ago, and it freaked me out!

Meditation felt scary, woo-woo, and un-Christian.

But what my yoga instructor said all those years ago rang true in the moment. Truth has a way of doing that...

This month has been really special because I’ve dedicated it to mental health topics on the podcast. We’ve talked about when it’s time to go to therapy, how to identify your anxiety triggers, how to stabilize when you’re having an anxiety attack, and how to check in on your mental health.

I wanted to end this series on Mental Health by offering you a really practical tool to support your mental health: a guided meditation.

Whether you’ve meditated for years, or never in your life tried it before, I invite you to come, sit, be still, receive, and practice the art of listening.

I believe God is speaking constantly, but we miss Him because we’re so busy speaking at Him.

Want to give it a try?

Step By Step

1. Find a comfortable position
2. Put one hand on your heart and the other on your belly
3. Start noticing your breath— each inhale and exhale
4. Lengthen your inhales and exhales
5. Scan your body— do you feel tightness?
6. Release tension— particularly in your face, shoulders, or belly
7. Allow your mind to wander, but recenter to your breath.

Yhwh

• This name of God is vowel-less, even though we tend to say it with vowels.
• This is the breath of life.
• • Inhale yh.
  • Exhale wh.

Resources

• When Is It Time to Go to Therapy? with Kobe Campbell
• Kobe Campbell Answers Your Questions About Trauma and Mental Health
• Identifying Anxiety Triggers
• The Science of Anxiety + How to Stabilize Once You're Triggered
• Are You Really OK? A Mental Health Check Up with Debra Fileta
• How to Say No + Set Healthy Boundaries with Debra Fileta

It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.

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Unsure how to practically prioritize your mental health?

What are tangible ways you can check-in + gauge your current mental health?

Do you spiritually bypass your mental health struggles?

Sometimes we gaslight ourselves when it comes to spirituality + mental health. Here’s how...

Debra Fileta is a licensed professional counselor who specializes in dating, marriage, and relationship issues, as well as mental health disorders. She was on episode 97 of The Refined Collective. We talked about dating myths, and now she’s back for round two. She’s the author of True Love Dates, Choosing Marriage, and Love in Every Season! Her new book Are You Really OK? just released! Today, we’re talking about how to assess your own mental health and how to pursue help when it’s needed.

Mental Health 101

• Emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical health all go hand-in-hand.

• “Even good things cause an emotional reaction and stress. So the launch of a book— even though it’s an amazing experience— contributes to your stress… good things can lead to burnout.” - Debra

Emotional Health Check Up

• We take physical health check ups seriously, but are we doing the same for our mental health?
• How to have an emotional health check-in?
• • 1. Expressive writing: write down your emotions, no matter how messy. Studies show people who regularly do this experience fewer symptoms of stress.

• “If we don’t take the time to stop and really process what is happening underneath, that pressure is going to build until it comes out in a way that we don’t have control over.” - Debra

Spiritual Health Check Up

• 3 Spiritual Health Check-up Questions to Ask yourself::
• • 1. What people or experiences have shaped my view of God?
  • 1. What are some words that I’ve believed about God that aren’t actually based on truth?
  • 1. What characteristics of God— as revealed through his word— are most significant to me and my experience?

Mental Health Check Up

• “Your mental health is not a sign of your character, it’s a sign of your chemistry” - Debra

• Notice the patterns that contribute to your anxiety

• • Do you feel restless? Irritable? Soreness? Difficulty sleeping? Breathless?
• Notice the patterns that contribute to your depression
• • Are you feeling sadness or apathy? Decreased pleasure in all the things you normally enjoy? An absent or uncontrollable appetite? Fatigue?
  • If you have any of these symptoms for two weeks, you can be diagnosed with depression.

How to Say No

• In an exclusive Patreon interview, Debra shares…
• • How to get to the root of why you feel the need to say “yes” always
  • How to set healthy boundaries in your life
• Join Patreon and get access to this and dozens of other exclusive videos/interviews. Join here!

Resources

• Keep up with Debra: TrueLoveDates.com and @TrueLoveDates on IG.
• Debra on TRC: Soulmates = Codependency (And Other Dating Myths Debunked)
• Debra’s book: Are You Really OK?
• Exclusive Patreon Interview: How to Say No + Set Healthy Boundaries

It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Are you experiencing a lot of anxiety recently?

Does it feel unsolvable?

Like your anxiety attack will like it will never end?

What if you had tools to help ease your anxiety in the moment?

As you know, May is Mental Health Awareness Month and we’re getting serious about mental health over here on The Refined Collective Podcast. Two weeks ago, I spoke with Trauma Therapist Kobe Campbell all about therapy (tune in here if you missed it). And last week, I shared my own experience with anxiety and practical ways to identify your anxiety triggers outside of the moment (tune in here if you missed it). This week, I wanted to share how you can stabilize your anxiety when you’re in the moment.

A Collective Anxiety

• Why are we experiencing so much anxiety? Collective depression + individual anxiety + trauma + relapses—from living in + through a pandemic — we’ve never done this before.
• Brene Brown talks about FFT ‘It’s the F-ing first time’
• • Listen to her talk about it in this podcast episode.
  • The older we get, the less we like trying new things. Trying new things is vulnerable and we don’t want to suck! Normalizing discomfort is our secret sauce

• Name it

• What’s coming up? THIS IS THE 1ST PANDEMIC!

• Perspective

• This is not going to last forever

• Reality Check

• Nothing is going as planned and that’s okay

The Science of Anxiety

• Our thoughts activate our minds, then our minds activate the body, then our body activates fight or flight.
• Symptoms like: dizziness, head rush, tingling, heart palpitations, paranoia, hypervigilance, can’t breathe, legs feel like jelly

3 Parts of the Brain

1. NeoCortex/Prefrontal Cortex: rational, logic, problem-solving
2. Limbic: emotions, feeling, memories

3. Reptilian/Primal: survival

4. When we’re triggered, the Primal Brain gets activated and the other two shut down.

5. In order to reactivate the others, you have to let the Primal Brain know you’re safe.

How do you speak to the Primal Brain to reactivate other two parts of our brain?

4 Things to Do In the Moment:

1. Pause

2. Breathe

3. Mindful breathing

4. DO IT NOW // 4 DEEP INHALES + EXHALES
5. • This activates the parasympathetic nervous system, meaning you feel safe and your body stops pumping cortisol and adrenaline.
   • Quitting cigarette smoking is hard, in part, because it involves deep breathing.
6. BOXED BREATHING (Navy SEALs use this!)
7. • Try it now (4x)

8. Simple truths:

9. I am safe and at home in my body

10. I am here.
11. I can breathe.

12. I can feel discomfort and still be safe

13. Ground

14. Fear removes us from the moment. Runaway train of thought. Worst case scenarios.

15. Kate Eskuri spoke about grounding on the podcast last year.

16. “It’s that inner sense of calm even though the outside world might feel a little scattered.” - Kate Eskuri

17. Grounding Rituals

18. What are five things I can see?

19. What are four things I can feel?
20. What are three things I can hear?
21. What are two things I can smell right now?
22. What is one thing I can taste?

Reflection Questions

Resources

• Brene Brown podcast episode about FFT
• TRC Ep 090: Why Self-Care is More Crucial Now Than Ever Before
• My calming Spotify playlist
• Moving Through Fear Guide
• Jackie Viramontzez meditation/EFT tapping
• TRC Ep 086: How Meditation Can Change Your Life

Stay tuned for next week’s episode, where I’ll lead a guided meditation!

It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

What triggers our anxiety?

How can we identify our triggers outside of the moment?

How can we change our relationship with anxiety?

As you know, May is Mental Health Awareness Month and we’re getting serious about mental health over here on The Refined Collective Podcast. Last week, I spoke with Trauma Therapist Kobe Campbell all about therapy (tune in here if you missed it). This week, I wanted to talk all about how to identify stress and anxiety triggers outside of the moment.

My Anxiety Story

• I was experiencing heart palpitations at night but thought I was just sleeping on the wrong side.
• I prided myself on working 16 hour days, going out and being able to party, skip meals, and get up before the others to get ahead. It was intoxicating— I had friends who lived this way and encouraged a lifestyle of ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead.’
• The problem: I was being rewarded for my behavior—my business was growing, I was a jetsetter, business owner—I got a ton of opportunities in my career because I was a ‘yes’ person.
• Then, like an alcoholic moving to a bar—I moved to NYC. I’ve said for a long time, NYC is like being in the right place at the right time all the time if you’re open to it.

Manifested in the Physical

• I had an unknown rash all over my body— I joked that it was my body being allergic to NYC.
• One day I was shooting a wedding and almost fainted during family portraits. I stumbled and laughed it off but it was really scary. Then, at the reception bathroom floor—as soon as I left it left + it left. Chalked it up to dehydration— it was just a fluke.
• The next weekend, I went to the hamptons for another shoot and the same thing happened.
• The next week, it happened again. This time at church: a place I feel so safe.
• Within a month I was a wreck: Terrified of leaving my house. Going to church felt anxiety-inducing. Shooting weddings felt like life or death. Being on the subways was the worst. Was this my new normal? I must be really losing it. I couldn’t live this way.

Why Me?

• YOU HAVE TO LOOK BACK BEFORE YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD.
• Here are the patterns I noticed every time I had a huge panic attack:
• • Lack of sleep
  • • I was fueled by fear in my career: if I’m not working, I’m not getting paid — if I don’t get paid, I can’t pay rent, buy food, take care of myself. One of the most anxiety inducing scenarios is when our core needs are in threat of not being met:
    • • Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: 5-tiered model pyramid approach to human needs. It goes from bottom to top. You can’t go to the next level without the previous level being supported. Basic needs are food, water, shelter, rest. Then above that is safety and security. Above that is belonging and love. Above that is esteem and accomplishment. At the very top is self-actualization.
  • Lack of food + water (big stretches of time without snack / meal
  • Alcohol the day before
  • Lots of caffeine
  • Overheated
• It was like I had been driving with my gas tank on E for 50 miles at 100 miles an hour and then hit a pothole and my engine exploded.
• So when I got into a stressful situation like public speaking, shooting a wedding, being on a crowded subway... I was at a resting state of level 9 anxiety. The tiniest thing was setting me off.

How could I set myself up for success outside of a stressful or triggering situation so that I could be at a resting rate of 1-3?

Back to the Basics

• This is the bottom line. Life, work, relationships CANNOT happen if these aren’t happening first.
• BACK TO MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS
• • Sleep 7-8 hours
  • • The Sleep Revolution by Ariana Huffington
  • Eat 3x day
  • Have snacks with me at all times
  • Meditate daily + prayer— even if it’s brief
  • Workout— even if (maybe especially if) you don’t feel like it
• Then I took it a step further
• • Cut out alcohol
  • • I gave up alcohol for 6 months + 3/4 of the way through that my dad relapsed into drug abuse. This was one of the most traumatizing experiences of my life and yet I didn’t have one panic attack— it’s like God knew and wanted to help set my body up for success.
  • Cut out caffeine
  • • I used to have one big cup in the morning. I tried to quit cold turkey, but it wasn’t working.
    • Research coffee withdrawal symptoms
    • Wanted it to be sustainable, so here’s what I did:
    • • Week one // no caffeine past noon
      • Week 2 // half a cup of coffee
      • Week 3 // alternated caffeine/decaf every other day
      • Week 4 // all decaf
    • Recently I was recording a podcast and I was feeling a little light headed and I was like what is going on? I had caffeine! Now that I’ve removed it, I can tell when it’s impacting me.

Taking My Thoughts Captive

• “There were many terrible things in my life and most of them never happened.” Michel de Montaigne / French Philosopher

• Public speaking— I once froze on stage + it was scary

• • I was afraid of throwing up + having a seizure, fainting — which has never happened to me before on stage.
  • I’ve always felt comfortable on stage. But then after I froze; it was all I could think about.
  • Constantly strategizing about how I could make an exit: where were the physical exits, excuses I could make if I needed to leave—I’d just want to get out of there to the nearest restroom to lock myself in until I was better.
  • Underneath the strategizing was fear:
  • • I can be safe for other people (duh im on stage).
    • But if I have need, no one is safe.
    • I can’t be seen as imperfect or I won’t be loved.
    • Humiliation, death.
• THE RUNAWAY TRAIN of my thoughts + obsessing over potential worst case scenarios was taking over my life. What happened is I became more afraid of what could happen than anything that had actually happened.

Excerpt from Sexless in the City:

Paul, one of the great teachers of the New Testament, charged the church of Corinth to be ever so aware of their thought life. Paul doesn’t say they should take their thoughts captive; he says they are a people who take their thoughts captive1. The assumption is that they are already a people who understand the power of their thoughts, and regularly examine the source and root of them.

He encourages them to keep that up. In Romans, Paul says to allow ourselves to be transformed with renewed minds.2 Later, to the church in Philippi, he says, “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”3 In other words, Paul knew something powerful: our mindsets determine our reality.

We become what we think about. What are you spending your time thinking about?

…

I don’t think we all wake up in the morning as masochists. These limiting beliefs feel true because we’ve often had real experiences that act as proof. Our circumstances are real; it’s not like they don’t happen. Our past impacts our present and can prevent us from our future if we let it. That’s why the invitation of faith is so profound. Faith invites us to have the courage to walk into a reality outside the here and now of our emotions and circumstances. It’s a more ultimate reality. Faith beckons us to lean into the possibility of the unseen and whispers, “Just because you know a story by heart doesn’t mean it’s true.”5 Narratives are always on the hunt for new evidence. So if we’re going to look for it anyway, we might as well look for evidence of God’s goodness and what’s possible. To do that, we first have to identify the limiting beliefs we’re holding on to, release them, flip the script, and start looking for new evidence.

Put in the Work

• You can’t really do this in the moment.

• PAUSE / BREATHE

• Thank your body: it’s trying to save your life

• GET CURIOUS:

• What am I really afraid of happening here?

• What’s the fear underneath the fear?

• Even if the fear happens will I be ok?

• REPLACE with TRUTH

• • What do I need to hear right now?

• I am safe.

• I have everything I need
• Even if the worst case scenario happens, I am safe.
• I can reach out and ask for support.
• I am not alone.
• I am accepted.
• I am loved.

Renewing our minds is an actual thing in science + scripture. Brains are pattern makers — we have to interrupt the pattern + look for evidence of a new way to make new neural pathways. Knowing what triggers fear/anxiety/depression/etc. outside of the situation will help give you tools to move through the moment.

LIFE ISN’T ABOUT LIVING FEAR FREE; It’s about changing our relationship to fear. Fear ignites because our minds and bodies think our lives are in danger. Isn’t that incredible? Acknowledge the fear, ‘thank you for coming for a visit + now…you don’t get to be in the driver’s seat today.’

Reflection Questions

• What triggers your anxiety?
• What things in your life calm, bring peace, and stabilize you?
• How can you get back to the basics? What is out of alignment and how can you prioritize it?
• How can you love yourself well this week? (Fill your car up with gas before it’s on E + you’re stressed, meal prep, schedule rest.

Resources

• Moving Through Fear Guide
• TRC Ep 058: How to Marie Kondo Your Mental Health with Dr. Therese Mascardo
• The Sleep Revolution by Ariana Huffington
• Ariana Huffington TED Talks on sleep
• Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
• “How Small Habits Can Lead to Big Changes” by Ariana Huffington

Stay tuned for next week’s episode, where I’ll break down how to stabilize the moment once you’ve become activated in your anxiety.

It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.

Are you in the TRC Patreon community? Last week, Patreon got access to another conversation I had with Kobe Campbell and this week is Part II! We chat about why mental health is having a moment, how to tell if you’re stuck in trauma, and her thoughts on text therapy. Sign up HERE!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Trigger Warning: We’re talking about mental health in this episode and the conversations can get pretty heavy. If you have little ears around, grab some headphones. Feel free to pause and save this episode for another time if you don’t feel like you have the capacity for it right now.

Are your quirks really trauma responses?

Are you depressed or is it the weather?

Do you understand what it means to be triggered?

Are past traumas continuing to pop up in your life?

Are you wondering if it’s time to start therapy?

Are you wondering which type of therapy you need?

What if you can’t afford therapy?

Does time heal all?

This is the first episode of May, which is Mental Health Month. Every episode this month will be focused on mental health in some way. I couldn’t think of a better person to chat with for the very first episode of Mental Health May than trauma therapist Kobe Campbell. Kobe is also co-host of The Healing Circle Podcast, and founder of The Healing Circle Therapy & Wellness Center. She helps me unpack all of the questions above and you’ll walk away with concrete resources as you start your healing journey.

Are Your Quirks Really Trauma Responses?

• “Until I went to a therapist, I did not realize that the ways I responded to the world around me were a reflection of me trying to soothe anxiety.” - Kobe

Have You Ever Felt Triggered?

• We tend to see triggers as us remembering a past trauma, but it’s really us re-experiencing it. Our bodies feel like we’re back in that traumatic moment. And we won’t always know what the traumatic moment was.

• Are you ever dishonest about your feelings because you feel embarrassed by them?

• “What hurts you in the past...is going to hurt you when you’re older… The deep wounds that we feel do not disappear.” - Kobe

• “Time can distract us, but that’s about it.” - Kobe

Should You Get A Therapist?

• Are you working things out by venting to your girlfriends? Are you wondering when would be a good time to take it to a professional?

• I share the moment I knew it was time to get back into therapy.

• “You don’t have to be in crisis to go to therapy. Therapy can be a preventative measure.” - Kobe

• Start noticing the patterns in your life that pop up no matter the variables like time and place. We’re often too close to our own lives to see the full picture.

Which Type of Therapy Do You Need?

• General Therapy
• • Like your family doctor who handles colds and flus, a general therapist handles things like anxiety and depression.
• Specialized Therapy
• • They have a niche— they work with people who are working through a specific pain. This is for when you want to focus on things like sexual trauma, grief, family issues, or couple therapy.
• Psychiatrists vs Therapists
• • Psychiatrists are in the medical field, while therapists are in the mental health field. Psychiatrists are able to prescribe medications and provide official diagnoses.

Should You Go On Medication?

• Medication is trial and error sometimes to find the right fit.
• I share my own experience in going the holistic route and when I ultimately felt open to trying medication.
• There are doctors of osteopathic medicine that can use a blood test to see what medications would react well and poorly with you, narrowing down your trial and error search.

How Do You Find A Therapist?

• Psychology Today is the Google of therapists. It lists names, degrees, licenses they have, and a bio that gives you a taste of who they are. It also lists fees, rates, and insurances they accept.
• Most therapists offer free consultations, which are basically short connection calls to help you see if they are a good fit for you.

• The biggest rule is that they should always make you feel safe. Always.

• “Therapy is there to help heal you, not to re-traumatize you. If you ever feel like you have to defend the reality of your pain, run as fast as you can.” - Kobe

What If You Can’t Afford Therapy?

• Ask about sliding scale fees. Some therapists offer reduced rates.
• Open Paths Counseling Center is like Psychology Today, but for therapists who have reduced rate availability.
• The Loveland Foundation provides financial assistance for Black women and girls who are seeking therapy.
• Churches often have scholarship funds for therapy.

Kobe and I didn’t get to all of the questions I had for her— there was just so much to cover! So we decided to keep it rolling and continue the conversation just for my Patreon community. Over the next two weeks, I’ll be releasing the continued conversation with Kobe— join now at patreon.com/therefinedcollective.

Resources

• Keep up with Kobe at kchealingcircle.com and on IG at @healingcircletherapy and @healingcirclepodcast.
• Listen to Kobe’s podcast she hosts with her husband Kyle, The Healing Circle Podcast.
• Check out Psychology Today, Open Paths Counseling Center, or The Loveland Foundation if you’re interested in seeking out therapy.

It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.

Are you in the TRC Patreon community? Last week, Patreon got access to an exclusive podcast episode where I chat with a guy friend about my current dating woes. And THIS week you can hear a continuation of my conversation with Kobe Campbell. Sign up HERE!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Feminism: the fight for equality between men and women.

Did you grow up thinking feminism was bad?

That the word “feminism” was a dirty word?

That your faith had no space for feminism?

That women called to serve men?

This week, I’m talking with Meghan Tschanz— writer, speaker, and host of the Faith and Feminism Podcast— all about feminism. We talk about the things we gre up believing about women that we no longer believe, how we grew to become (and call ourselves) feminists, and why Jesus is a feminist.

The Narratives We’ve Been Told

• Not only does growing up in an Evangelical context shape the way you view your role as a woman, but so does society in general.

• Meghan talks about how as a kid she was taught that being competitive and strong was not her role and that her body was bad and shameful.

• She remembers thinking, “I don’t think this is God, but this is all I know.” And she accepted it because she didn’t want to be seen as un-Christian.

• “The text doesn’t ever say, ‘Well, men have a little more of the God image and women need to keep quiet.’” - Kat Harris

Changing the Narratives

• Meghan shares how women can be protectors, providers, and pursuers.
• We all love a good “the way they met” story. Meghan shares hers and I open up about my frustration in striking out constantly— always kissing the frogs and never getting the prince.
• I get honest about wanting a partner who will be a provider and how I have challenged myself to dig below the surface.
• Being a stay-at-home mom doesn’t mean you’re not a feminist.
• “Overall, if we’re looking at the history of the world, if we’re looking at what is ailing women today, it’s a lack of choices, it’s being forced into a box.” - Meghan Tschanz

Women of the Bible

• We unpack Mary and Martha’s stories in the Bible.
• Junia’s name was changed to Junius to fit the gender roles.
• Esther disobeyed and didn’t conform to gender roles.
• Bottom line: women are very much in charge, empowered, and leading nations.

“The most damaging phrase is: it's always been done this way” - Grace Hopper

Growing up, what did you learn about being a woman?

From church? Culture? Home? School?

How have those narratives shaped how you view yourself + your experience today?

What do you think of the idea that Jesus could be a feminist?

What do you think feminism is?

Write down your answers and process them. Be willing to go on a journey.

Resources

• Keep up with Meghan at MeghanTschanz.com and on IG @meghantschanz.
• Pre-order Meghan’s book, Women Rising: Learning to Listen, Reclaiming Our Voice.
• Check out Meghan’s podcast Faith and Feminism and my interview on her podcast here.
• Check out Beth Allison Barr’s book The Making of Biblical Womanhood.
• Listen to the episode of TRC where Tiffany Bluhm and I unpack Ephesians 5.

It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.

When it comes to paying off debt, it can often feel like an uphill battle. Upstart can help you get ahead. It is the fast and easy way to pay off your debt with a personal loan all online. Unlike other lenders, Upstart looks at more than just your credit score, so they can offer smarter rates with trusted partners. Go to Upstart.com/refined to see how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Trigger warning: Multiple discussions of sexual assault in this episode.

Can you have conversations with people you don’t agree with theologically?

What does the Bible say about sex?

How can we reframe a dialogue around sex?

Is your sexual ethic rooted in fear?

You all know by now that I am a Christian and I am waiting for marriage to have sex. I thought it would be fun to have a conversation with a Christian who isn’t saving sex for marriage. And I couldn’t think of a better person to talk to. Brenda Marie Davies is the author of On Her Knees: Memoir of a Prayerful Jezebel and host of the YouTube channel and podcast God is Grey. She identifies as a progressive Christian and champions sex-positive, LGBTQ+ affirming, science-believing faith.

Reframing the dialogue

• “When you’re conflating your sexuality with this idea of pure or impure, you’re suddenly creating this black and white narrative.” - Brenda

• The phrase “sexual purity” can be particularly shaming and damaging for people who have experienced some sort of sexual assault.

• Even reframing the phrase “losing your virginity” to “having your sexual debut.” We don’t lose anything when we have sex.

• Brenda talks about how Ephesians is sometimes taken out of context to promote marital rape. This is not okay; there should always be enthusiastic consent.

• “If someone is not enthusiastically consenting to an experience, then they are being coersed into sex.” - Brenda

The swinging pendulum

• “My sexuality got completely hijacked by this ethic that was based on fear.” - Brenda

• Brenda talks about her experience at the polar opposite sides of views on sex. She recalls her experience being in a church that worshipped purity.

• “When we are living in these two polarities or extremes, you’re not just going to balance out in the middle… you don’t have the tools.” - Brenda

• “I think we flatten sexuality, we have flattened what it means to be human, and we have compartmentalized ourselves which I don’t think is a God theology.” - Kat Harris

• There is no way to reach a healthy sexual ethic by white-knuckling.

What does the Bible say about sex?

• Brenda talks about her relationship with the bible, especially when it comes to what it says about sex.
• You can find justifications in the Bible that says it is a sin and that says it is not a sin.
• “Please don’t say I’m not a Christian… it’s not a salvation issue.” - Brenda

Resources

• Keep up with Brenda at GodisGrey.com and on IG at @godisgrey.
• Listen to Brenda’s podcast, God is Grey, here.
• Listen to my conversation with Brenda on her podcast here.
• Listen to the TRC episode about why being pro-birth is not enough here.
• Listen to the TRC episode about sexual desire here.
• Read Brenda’s book On Her Knees here.

It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.

Whether it’s taking a walk around your neighborhood, running errands, or venturing out on your own, you always want to feel safe. With Birdie, you can keep doing what you love with added peace of mind. Birdie is a personal safety alarm that is easy to carry and simple to use. You can get 15% off your first purchase when you go to ShesBirdie.com/refined.

For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… what it’s like to date as a person with a public platform and sharing my own deconstruction of my faith. There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Drumroll please…

My book Sexless in the City launches next week! And so for the first time ever, I’m reading my book on the podcast this week. Here is chapter 1 of my book: My Breaking Point.

As you leave this episode, I want you to reflect on these questions:

1. What did you learn about sex from home? Church? School?
2. Up until this point, what are the beliefs you have held about dating, desire, and sex?
3. When and why did you start adhering to these beliefs?
4. What questions do you still have?

For those of you who have pre-ordered, email social@therefinedwoman.com to claim your free bonus goodies! What sort of bonus goodies?

• Digital download of my Sexless in the City Resource Guide.
• Digital download of the first two chapters of my book.
• Discount to the whole TRW shop.

Haven’t pre-ordered yet? There’s still time to!

Go to sexlessinthecitybook.com and scroll down to see all of the places you can pre-order from. Then screenshot your receipt and send to social@therefinedwoman.com and we’ll make sure you get your pre-order goodies right to your inbox.

Why am I asking you to pre-order? Pre-ordering is actually one of the biggest ways you can support me and my book launch. The number of pre-order sales tells places like Barnes and Noble and Amazon how many books they should have in stock. I want my book to be available in allll the stores and that only happens if there is a demand for the book in stores! So thank you THANK YOU to everyone who has already pre-ordered. I hope you enjoy the bonus goodies as a token of my appreciation.

I can’t wait for you all to dive into my book!

When it comes to paying off debt, it can often feel like an uphill battle. Upstart can help you get ahead. It is the fast and easy way to pay off your debt with a personal loan all online. Unlike other lenders, Upstart looks at more than just your credit score, so they can offer smarter rates with trusted partners. Go to Upstart.com/refined to see how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

We are back with part two of the conversation I had with the hosts of the Nights at the Round Table Podcast (actress/comedian, Anjelah Johnson; singer/songwriter/producer, Manwell Reyes; and story-teller/preacher Brandon Smith). If you missed part one all about doubt and faith, go ahead and listen to that here. This week, we’re gonna talk about sex, ba-by. All of these guests are married and so I just had to ask them: Did you wait for marriage to have sex? Was it really worth the wait? Make sure you stay until the very end for this one!

Anjelah’s Waiting

• Anjelah shares that her wedding night was awful (it’s not like the movies, y’all).

• She recognized that she had a lot of work to do in unpacking purity culture and the narratives that she was taught growing up.

• “Even learning and exploring to say ‘okay, maybe we could try toys or a vibrator,’ that was so bad.” -Anjelah

Manwell’s Experience

• Manwell did not wait for marriage to have sex, but he clarifies that he wasn’t having casual sex either.

• “Then I got saved and I was really scared of sex.” -Manwell

Brandon’s Waiting

• Having grown up in a very Christian space, Brandon was taught to never have sex before marriage and it instilled a fear in him.
• He shares his experiences in shutting down any sexual desire or thoughts.
• His wedding night was special for him and his wife (who also waited for marriage).

Poll Responses

• 69% of people on IG would wait again if they had to do it all over
• 75% of people in my personal life would wait again if they had to do it all over
• I also share some stories that some friends and followers sent in about their experiences, so make sure you tune in to the full episode!

Resources

• For all things Manwell’s music, go to ManwellReyes.com.
• For all things Anjelah, go to Anjelah.com.
• Check out Laugh on Beat to keep up with all things NATRT here.
• Check out Nights at the Round Table on iTunes here.
• Listen to my episode on Nights at the Round Table here.
• Check out TRC 145: Deconstruction 101 with Nights at the Round Table here.
• Check out my Patreon video on how it feels to hear these things as someone who is waiting for marriage to have sex: watch here.

The countdown is ON for my book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex. It’s coming out in just over a month and you can still pre-order! It would mean so much to me if you did. Head over to sexlessinthecitybook.com to grab your copy!

Make sure you send an email to social@therefinedwoman.com so you can get your pre-order goodies, like a digital download of the first two chapters to read right now, a resource and journaling guide, and a discount to my shop!

For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to answer the question “why are you still single?” How to know if your standards are too high. And an update on my dating life. YUP! There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Today marks a first on The Refined Collective Podcast… I have three guests on at the same time. Why? Because I just needed to talk to all of the hosts of the Nights at the Round Table Podcast. My guests are actress/comedian, Anjelah Johnson; singer/songwriter/producer, Manwell Reyes; and story-teller/preacher Brandon Smith. In this episode of TRC, we talk a lot about deconstruction, sex, and doubts. All four of us love God but have a different spiritual journey with God— and that is okay.

Manwell’s Deconstruction

• Manwell shares where his own spiritual journey began and how he began to question the black and white and step into the grey.

• “I find myself more on the sides of people questioning than the people who swear to the good Lord Jesus that they’re correct.” -Manwell Reyes

Brandon’s Deconstruction

• Brandon opens up about how reading Brian Zhar’s From Water to Wine marked a transformation in his spiritual journey.

• “I’m allowed to have doubts and that is perfectly okay. I believe more in Jesus today than I did when I thought I had it all figured out.” -Brandon Smith

Anjelah’s Deconstruction

• Anjelah reflects on entering the church as a child and shares her experience with purity culture. Her deconstruction didn’t start until after her marriage when she started questioning the views the church has towards the LGBTQ community.

• “Something is not sitting right about being a Christian if that is what being a Christian is.” -Anjelah Johnson

Resources

• For all things Manwell’s music, go to ManwellReyes.com.
• For all things Anjelah, go to Anjelah.com.
• Check out Laugh on Beat to keep up with all things NATRT here.
• Check out Nights at the Round Table on iTunes here.
• Listen to my episode on Nights at the Round Table here.
• Buy Brian Zahnd’s Water to Wine: Some of My Story here.
• Buy John Stott’s book Your Mind Matters here.

What came up for you today?

What questions are you afraid of asking?

Why aren’t you asking them?

What things have you accepted as true without doing your own research?

Next week, the hosts of the Nights at the Round Table Podcast are back for part two of our conversation where we talk all about sex. Specifically, if they had to do it all over again, would they still wait until marriage to have sex?

The countdown is ON for my book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex. It’s coming out in just over a month and you can still pre-order! It would mean so much to me if you did. Head over to sexlessinthecitybook.com to grab your copy!

Real talk… After spending a whole pandemic in sweatpants, I decided to freshen up my wardrobe so I have been shopping and selling on Curtsy. I love it because they have the coolest pieces at thrift store prices. It has my favorite brands like Lululemon, Zara, and Levi’s at up to 70% off. If you want a sustainable way to get your favorite brands delivered to your door, download the Curtsy app and use promo code REFINED for 15% off your first order.

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

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This week, you’re in for a real treat. I’m doing a 3-part podcast series with fellow podcasters + single gals: Carrie Lloyd + Kait Warman. Carrie is a pastor, author, and podcast host. Kait is a relationship coach, podcast host, and author.

The three of us are doing a series where we’re talking about dating in today’s culture on an episode of each of our podcasts + all three episodes are live this week!

1. The Women Tell All Part I: Should I marry a Christian?
2. The Women Tell All Part II: Scarcity mindset + casual dating.
3. The Women Tell All Part III: Why are they still single?

Today on TRC we’re talking about… is it a sin to date a man who isn’t a Christian? What do we do with the reality that there are more women in the church than men?

“Is it possible that for different people God could be doing a different thing?” - Kat Harris

Where are all of the single Godly men?

• There are way more women in the church than men. I remember years ago when a pastor of mine said that based on numbers alone, so many Christian women are never going to find a Christian man to marry.
• Kait notes that men are asking women out, but they’re just asking the same women out over and over again.
• Carrie shares how it may not be a matter of matching up men and women as we consider that the men in the church may also be exploring their sexuality.

“I’m always looking for the fruit of the spirit in someone… not just that they say they love Jesus.” - Carrie Lloyd

Is it a sin to date/marry someone who is not Christian?

• Carrie shares her experiences in dating Christian men as an atheist and then dating non-Christian men as a Christian. She notes that we need to have more grace and kindness in this area.
• I wonder if we put different expectations on men and women. Women aren’t “allowed” to date a non-Christian but men are because they’re expected to be a spiritual leader.
• Kait shares her perspective that there needs to be more nuance around the conversation than sin or not a sin. She also opens up about an experience where she dated a man who walked the Christian walk but behind closed doors was abusive.
• Carrie shares how even if someone decides to marry a non-Christian, they have to be honest with themselves about whether or not they’re holding an expectation for their spouse to become a Christian after they’re married.

“I have dated lots of guys who have walked and talked the Christian talk but yet in their hearts, they’re not actually becoming like Jesus.” - Kait Warman

If you liked this episode:

• Listen to Ben Stuart on TRC: That’s What He Said: Where Are All the Single Godly Men?
• Listen to Phylicia Masonheimer on TRC: Who Should I Date?
• Listen to my reflection on dating Christian men: FaceTime Dates, Politics, + Double Standards: How 2020 Has Forever Changed Dating
• Check out my Patreon video “Should I look for a spiritual leader when I'm dating?”

Resources for Carrie:

• Keep up with Carrie at CarrieLloyd.live and on IG at @carriegracey.
• Check out Carrie’s books, The Virgin Monologues, Prude: Misconceptions Of A Neo-Virgin, and The Noble Renaissance: Reclaiming the Lost Virtue of Nobility.
• Listen to Carrie’s solo episode of TRC on grief here.
• Listen to Carrie’s podcast, Carrie On.

Resources for Kait:

• Keep up with Kait at heartofdating.com and on IG at @kaitness and @heartofdating.
• Check out Kait’s book, Thank You For Rejecting Me.
• Listen to Kait’s solo episodes of TRC on dropping the hanky, online dating and rejection.
• Listen to Kait’s podcast, The Heart of Dating.

The countdown is ON for my book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex. It’s coming out in just over a month and you can still pre-order! It would mean so much to me if you did. Head over to sexlessinthecitybook.com to grab your copy!

For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to get over a breakup and what it’s really like to date as a person with a public platform. There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

This week is a solo show— just you and me, babe! This could potentially be a 5-part series, but I wanted to see how you liked it first because your opinion matters in all things TRC, friend! This is a community and you have a voice. So DM me on IG, email me, comment over on Patreon...and let me know if you want more of this series!

As the title suggests… Strong women run in my DNA.

My dad’s mother, my Gaw Gaw, was a realtor and business owner. She was always starting new business ventures in the 60s.

My mom’s mother, my grandma, was a stay at home mom and traveled all over the world. She primarily solo raised her four children because her husband, my grandfather, was always off in wars. She was also an incredible artist who would sketch fashion for brands and newspapers.

My own mom is a fiery, passionate, opinionated woman. When my parents got divorced and she didn’t have a college degree, she took care of and provided for her four children almost single-handedly with a part-time job working retail and teaching herself how to invest into the stock market.

I am a strong woman. If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you know that I am a woman of strength. I do not hide in the shadows. I am out there and I have things to say.

But for so long, my femininity has felt like a liability. Both in my work and in church.

It almost felt as though to be a Christian I had to downplay who God created me to be: a strong, opinionated, loud, leader of a woman.

I played the game for a long time. But I finally got to a point where I wanted to search the scriptures for myself and figure out if there’s another option other than what society and church tells me my femininity is.

So today I want to explore Hannah’s story in the Bible.

Hannah’s Legacy

• 1 Samuel 1:19 // “And God remembered Hannah”
• Hannah’s debut in the Bible is a declaration of her barrenness— her infertility is a tender part of her story.
• And she lived in a time where women had no rights. Marriage’s rooted in love, honor, and respect were not a thing.
• Her pain became enmeshed in her identity. What if your biggest heartbreak, your biggest source of shame and insecurity is the thing you were known for and your own family made fun of you for it? Maybe you’ve lived this pain.
• Hannah would offer sacrifices to the Hebrew God. She would weep and cry out to God for a child.
• Instead of shaming her, Eli blesses her and prays with her for her miracle.
• She doesn’t get immediately pregnant, but this experience lifted the fog of depression she was experiencing.
• She went on to have 6 children. She named her first child Samuel, which means “God heard.”

God hears us. He is moved to compassion and action on our behalf. Our prayers don’t go into the abyss.

Some questions to reflect on:

• What’s the most painful part of your story?
• What would it feel like for that to be what you’re known for?
• In what ways do you think Hannah exhibits strength as a woman?
• In what ways is Hannah’s femininity her greatest asset?
• What is the thing in your life you are begging God for? The breakthrough that feels impossible.

Lay out the cries of your heart before God.

Resources

• Listen to TRC Ep 048: How to Praise Before Our Breakthrough here.
• If you liked this episode, let me know! I would love to share more of this series if you’re interested. Slide into my DMs or leave a review on iTunes sharing your thoughts!

The countdown is ON for my book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex. It’s coming out in just over a month and you can still pre-order! It would mean so much to me if you did. Head over to sexlessinthecitybook.com to grab your copy!

Whether it’s taking a walk around your neighborhood, running errands, or venturing out on your own, you always want to feel safe. With Birdie, you can keep doing what you love with added peace of mind. Birdie is a personal safety alarm that is easy to carry and simple to use. You can get 15% off your first purchase when you go to ShesBirdie.com/refined.

For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… doubting my faith and my fertility journey. There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Dr. Christie Kederian is a psychologist and a former eHarmony matchmaker. She now offers coaching from everything to life, career, and dating/relationships. You may recognize her from when she took over my Instagram stories a while back. We talk about our reactions to Indian Matchmaking on Netflix, the science behind compatibility, removing the pressure from dating, and best practices for online dating.

“You can find two people who look like they could be a good match on paper… but we can’t predict all the factors because we’re dealing with people.”

The science behind compatibility

• Dr. Niel Clark Warren started eHarmony and researched the 29 dimensions of compatibility.

• “Even though they say opposites attract, often it’s people who are really similar in very important ways that end up having and creating long lasting love in a relationship.”

• Consider...

• • How are we similar in important ways?
  • Personality tests like the Myers Briggs. The 2nd and 3rd letters in your Myers Briggs are a reflection of your internal world. The more these pieces are in alignment, the more compatible you are.
• Don’t look for someone to complete you and fill in the missing pieces.

Let’s talk about spark and chemistry

• “Ladies, if it’s peaceful it’s marriage material. If it’s got ‘I wonder if he’s going to text me back today’ energy; it’s trauma not yet healed.”

• The #1 way to know if he’s the one for you: if he’s been consistent over time.

• Know what is triggering your attachment style and learn to show up in wholeness
• • Notice where your mind is going and journal through and process what old narratives or traumas it is bringing up for you.
  • If you are seeking clarity, don’t be afraid to check in and talk about it— no matter how early on it is in the relationship. Clarity allows you to move forward and act out of a non-triggered place.
  • Notice patterns and then clarify. Are you making stories in your mind and acting on assumption?

Dating is a curb, not a cliff

• You can date someone with integrity without fantasizing about the wedding on the first date and expecting full commitment from them immediately.
• Get clear on what you want and then surrender to the process. If 2020 taught me anything, it’s that I don’t have as much control as I think.

• Maybe you’re not getting naked with them physically, but are you getting naked emotionally on the first date? There is no shortcut to intimacy.

• “It’s ok to be dating and just be dating.” Not every relationship has to be exclusive.

Dating apps best practices

• “The dating app is a tool; it’s more about how you use the tool rather than what’s the perfect app.”

• Hinge, Bumble, and Coffee Meets Bagel are all great. Give different apps a try.

• If you’re in a bigger city, use the silver bullet swipe method.
• • What’s the most important quality you’re looking for?
• Stick with the app that you feel comfortable being consistent on.

Resources

• Keep up with Dr. Christie at DrChristieKederian.com and on IG at @thedatedoctorchristie.
• Download Dr. Christie’s free guide: 3 Proven Dating Profile Upgrades.
• Check out Dr. Christie’s Instagram post we chat about.
• Join the waitlist for Dr. Christie's Fall in Love Course here.

The countdown is ON for my book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex. It’s coming out in just a few weeks and you can still pre-order! It would mean so much to me if you did. Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to grab your copy!

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Real talk… After spending a whole pandemic in sweatpants, I decided to freshen up my wardrobe so I have been shopping and selling on Curtsy. I love it because they have the coolest pieces at thrift store prices. It has my favorite brands like Lululemon, Zara, and Levi’s at up to 70% off. If you want a sustainable way to get your favorite brands delivered to your door, download the Curtsy app and use promo code REFINED for 15% off your first order.

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Demetria Stallings is the founder of Letters of the Heart, a nonprofit ministry with the mission of empowering individuals to understand their true identity and purpose. She is also a speaker, worship leader, artist, and purpose coach! We talk about how to identify if you’re stuck in the trauma of your past, how to begin the process of looking inward, and practical steps you can take right now so that your past doesn’t haunt you.

“Any journey starts by looking inward.” - Kat

The past will haunt you

• “I have many times over recreated the pain of my past because I wasn’t willing to look at it.” - Kat

• Demetria shares her experience of going through divorce 12 years ago and how it enabled fear to creep its way into her dating life.

• “These patterns started happening when I would meet certain guys… it would be in this cycle of me not feeling worthy and so because I wasn’t worthy, I constantly was okay with behaviors that were not good for me.” - Demetria

How to identify if you’re stuck in the trauma of your past

1. ALWAYS/NEVER statements.
2. A Refusal to look inward.
3. You spot it you got it.
4. When the crime doesn’t fit the punishment.

“Make a choice. Just decide. What it's gonna be, who you're gonna be, how you're gonna do it. Just decide.” - Will Smith

How to begin the process of looking inward

• Get curious.
• Notice.
• Invest.
• Be intentional.
• Get support.
• Go to God. Sit in stillness.

Practical steps you can take right now

• Week: Decide what is going to change in your life.
• Month: Put steps in place to move forward. Have a friend who will hold you accountable.
• Year: Set a goal and establish a celebration.

“You have the strength to say yes. There is courage inside of you. You are not a cat. You are a lioness.” - Demetria

Resources

• Keep up with Demetria at DemetriaStallings.com and on IG at @demetria.stallings.
• Check out Demetria’s nonprofit Letters of the Heart.
• Check out Demetria’s music on Apple Music and Spotify.
• Check out Demetria’s new course, Living a Prophetic Life.
• Sign up for coaching with Demetria here.

Did you know I’m releasing a book this April? It’s called Sexless in the City. I truly believe it will encourage and equip you to navigate faith, desire, intimacy, and relationships free from shame and fear and with a holistic and Biblical vision. I would be so grateful if you snagged a copy. You can pre-order it right now anywhere you buy books. When you pre-order, make sure you email social@therefinedwoman.com because I would love to send you some free goodies and resources as a thank you.

I really value the Patreon community that helps keep this podcast a possibility for me. So in addition to the other rewards, I started filming weekly videos exclusively for my supporters on Patreon. It’s basically like we’re just sitting on the couch having some real talk. I feel comfortable sharing more intimate details of my life over there since it’s a smaller community. So head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to get access to videos like “Doubting My Faith,” “My Fertility Journey,” “New Home Tour,” and so much more.

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This week I am talking with host of the Heart of Dating Podcast, and author of Thank You For Rejecting Me… Kait Warman! Kait is a dear friend of mine and if you’ve been listening to the podcast for a while, you know that she has been on the podcast before talking about dropping the hanky and how to online date like a boss. Today, in honor of her book, we are opening up about some of our own personal experiences with rejection.

Rejection isn’t always romantic

• It’s important to acknowledge all the ways you’re actually rejecting yourself. Self-hatred is probably appearing in your life in subtle ways.

• “I will not stay, not ever again - in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself.” - Glennon Doyle, Untamed

• I reflect on an experience where I felt rejected in a friendship recently over quarantine.

• “I believed the narratives that other people put on me and then I rejected myself.” - Kat

• Kait reflects on a moment where she received grace and forgiveness from a guy, but she never offered herself that same grace and forgiveness.

Rejection is protection

• Sometimes our biggest heartbreaks help us realize past traumas and hurts that we haven’t healed or even acknowledged.

• “I need to not give scraps of love to myself. I need to give myself the full bucket of love.” - Kait

• Kait reflects on a vision God gave her where she was going through the wilderness and found herself at a castle where she saw the guy she was dating. But God was calling her further and this man wasn’t leaving the castle. God was leading her to something more but she had to keep moving and growing.

• “I’m so glad He didn’t give me what I wanted... There was so much He wanted me to adventure to beyond that.” - Kait

• The “no”s hurt, even when they’re for your greater good.

Resources

• You can keep up with Kait at heartofdating.com and on IG at @kaitness and @heartofdating.
• Listen to Kait’s podcast, Heart of Dating, here.
• Check out Kait’s other episodes of The Refined Collective here and here.
• Order Kait’s brand new book, Thank You For Rejecting Me, here!
• Check out Glennon Doyle’s book, Untamed, here.

Did you know I’m releasing a book this April? It’s called Sexless in the City. I truly believe it will encourage and equip you to navigate faith, desire, intimacy, and relationships free from shame and fear and with a holistic and Biblical vision. I would be so grateful if you snagged a copy. You can pre-order it right now anywhere you buy books. When you pre-order, make sure you email social@therefinedwoman.com because I would love to send you some free goodies and resources as a thank you.

I really value the Patreon community that helps keep this podcast a possibility for me. So in addition to the other rewards, I started filming weekly videos exclusively for my supporters on Patreon. It’s basically like we’re just sitting on the couch having some real talk. I feel comfortable sharing more intimate details of my life over there since it’s a smaller community. So head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to get access to videos like “Doubting My Faith,” “My Fertility Journey,” “New Home Tour,” and so much more.

Real talk… After spending a whole pandemic in sweatpants, I decided to freshen up my wardrobe so I have been shopping and selling on Curtsy. I love it because they have the coolest pieces at thrift store prices. It has my favorite brands like Lululemon, Zara, and Levi’s at up to 70% off. If you want a sustainable way to get your favorite brands delivered to your door, download the Curtsy app and use promo code REFINED for 15% off your first order.

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Adam “AD” Thomason is the author of Permission to Be Black: My Journey with Jay-Z and Jesus and the founder of I Am Red Rev and Red Rev Media. You know I love talking about Jay-Z and Jesus. We also talk about everything from blackness to healing past trauma to debunking unhealthy narratives from evangelical culture.

“I am writing this book to redefine Blackness and establish a new ‘Black Card,’ so to speak. Carriers of this car will no longer be ashamed of admitting that past traumas have hurt them….Trauma isn’t just war flashbacks. It’s having to raise your siblings because you were fatherless. It’s have to raise yourself because your mother was dealing with her own crises. It’s having a father who left you and your siblings at home while he roamed the streets looking for a fix. It’s being neglected because you were raised by a single parent who dealt with their trauma in silence.” -AD Thomason, Permission to Be Black

Permission to Be Black

• AD reflects on how as a Black man, he felt he didn’t have the permission to heal from his past and process his humanity.
• AD opens up about how the Black experience is intertwined with the idea of endurance and surviving. Has a survivor mentality kept you from experiencing abundance?

Living a Life of Endurance

• “Marriage was the only thing that grounded me to say, ‘Adam, you can’t endure this thing. Either this thing is going to be about an imperfect joy you should have or this mentality of endurance is gonna crush you.’” -AD

The Problem with Avoidance

• “Until we’re internally motivated, then we’re not going to be free from our addictions or the shoulds and the shouldn’ts.” -Kat

Confessions of an Ex-Evangelical:

• AD’s last book was about leaving the Evangelical Church in order to find Jesus.

• AD reflects on the trauma of having to shrink himself in every way in the church.

• “In the end, they miss out on expanding their congregation’s mind to see the expression of God.” -AD

• “I believe Blackness is an expression of God; it’s an expression of humanity… To shun it is to shun God.” -AD

Resources

• Keep up with AD’s work at I Am Red Rev and Red Rev Media.
• Follow AD on Instagram at @redrev.
• Buy AD’s book, Permission to Be Black: My Journey with Jay-Z and Jesus.
• Check out AD’s book Confessions of an Ex-Evangelical: Why I left Christianity and started practicing Jesus.
• Check out Dawntoya Thomason’s podcast, Something to Offer.
• Research Jalen Rose and Grant Hill and see how Blackness was defined for these two men.

To honor Black History Month, I am spending time this month talking about companies and organizations that I love that are run and founded by Black men and women. This week, I want to share about Elevate NY, a non-profit with a mission to build long-term life-changing relationships with the youth in the South Bronx, the most underserved congressional district in the nation. Go to ElevateNewYork.org to find out how you can get involved.

Whether it’s taking a walk around your neighborhood, running errands, or venturing out on your own, you always want to feel safe. With Birdie, you can keep doing what you love with added peace of mind. Birdie is a personal safety alarm that is easy to carry and simple to use. You can get 15% off your first purchase when you go to ShesBirdie.com/refined.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

As someone who speaks openly about dating, I get a lot of people sliding into my DMs either asking where all of the single Godly guys are or complaining that chivalry is dead. So I am going to do a deep dive on the topic.

Full disclosure: this episode was supposed to be with a guest, but about an hour before our scheduled interview the guest reached out and explained that they felt our messages were out of alignment. I wanted to share this with you because I believe that The Refined Collective is a place where we don’t have to agree. We aren’t meant to live in an echo chamber. We can build bridges with people who don’t believe the things we believe. It’s healthy and okay to not have the same views on everything. You are welcome here regardless of what you do or do not believe. I have open arms for you.

What comes to mind when you think of chivalry?

• Jane Austen (I’m partial to the Keira Knightley Pride & Prejudice)
• Dropping the hanky, whether that means literally dropping the hanky or swooning (anyone else watching Bridgerton on Netflix?)
• Dropping the hanky looks different in 2021, but there are still ways to give a guy the green light to pursue you.
• Back to Bridgerton, women (teenage girls, really) were held to a different standard than the men when it came to marriage (and pretty much everything else too).

Things to consider:

• When was the last time you experienced chivalry?
• As women, are we giving mixed messages?

How can we encourage chivalry

1. Invitation vs. Demand.
2. Verbal affirmation.
3. Thank you goes a long way.
4. Ask for support.
5. Lead with vulnerability.

Resources

• Check out the episode I did with Kait Warman all about dropping the hanky here.
• Are you interested in an Ask Kat series on the podcast? Email questions you want Kat to answer on air to social@therefinedwoman.com. The questions can be about anything and everything!

I was tired of hearing male pastors preach about waiting until marriage for sex when they had gotten married in their early 20s and had no idea what it was really like to date in today’s culture! I wanted to hear from someone in my shoes— so I wrote a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to pre-order now! Then email social@therefinedwoman.com so I can send you some free resources as a thank you!

To honor Black History Month, I am spending time this month talking about companies and organizations that I love that are run and founded by Black men and women. This week, I want to share about the Equal Justice Initiative, a private nonprofit organization that provides legal representation to people who have been illegally convicted, unfairly sentenced, or abused in state jails and prisons. They challenge the death penalty and excessive punishment and provide re-entry assistance to formerly incarcerated people. Go to EJI.org to find out how you can get involved.

For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to answer the question “why are you still single?” How to know if your standards are too high. And an update on my dating life. YUP! There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

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Friendly warning: We will be talking about delicate topics today so if you have little ears around you, maybe pop in those headphones or give it a listen when you have some alone time!

I have the honor of talking with Tiffany Bluhm this week (her second time on the podcast— listen to our conversation about consent here) and we are doing a deep dive into some real talk this week. We’re discussing what we’ve been taught about our roles as women, both in culture AND in the church. Specifically, Ephesians 5 and how it has been taken out of context and weaponized to silence women.

What happens when women hold power?

• “When women are in power, everyone wins— not just women.”

• “The patriarchy has no roots in the gospel… not one. But we’ve weaponized both the old and new testament to convince us otherwise.”

• Tiffany and I both share our experiences and what we’ve been taught by the church about our roles as women.

The chasm between the God of the bible and the church narratives

• Moments when women are empowered in the Bible
• • Solomon’s wife in the Song of Songs
  • Queen Esther in the Old Testament
  • Ruth proposing to Boaz
  • Proverbs 31
  • Lydia in the New Testament
• Unfortunately, there are also moments of the patriarchy at its peak
• • Tamar or Hagar in the Old Testament

The sexualization of women

• “The most neglected person in America is the black woman.” - Malcolm X

• Women are sexualized from an alarmingly young age.

• • “Only girls’ fashions urge body consciousness at the very youngest ages. . . . Preschoolers worship Disney princesses, characters whose eyes are larger than their waists. No one is trying to convince eleven-year-old boys to wear itty-bitty booty shorts or bare their bellies in the middle of winter. . . . The pressure on young women to reduce their worth to their bodies and to see those bodies as a collection of parts that exist for others’ pleasure” and “to continuously monitor their appearance” - Peggy Orenstein, Girls and Sex
• Most girls will be sexually harassed by the time they are in middle school.

Ephesians 5:21-5:33

• This scripture passage has been weaponized to oppress women.

• “It’s dangerous to take things out of context.”

• Women were treated as property in that time— Paul was quoting the cultural expectations for that time.

• It’s important to note that it also mentions that men should lay down their lives for her. To love her. That was radical.

• When we contextualize it, Ephesians 5 is an invitation for mutual love and support.

• “Look what can happen when women and men work together, when you really see each other as equals. Look at the world you can create together… What if we could flourish together?”

Resources

• Keep up with Tiffany at TiffanyBluhm.com and on IG at @tiffanybluhm.
• Pre-order Tiffany’s book, Prey Tell: Why We Silence Women Who Tell the Truth and How Everyone Can Speak Up, here.
• Check out Tiffany’s previous books, Never Alone and She Dreams.
• Listen to the podcast Tiffany co-hosts with Ashley Abercrombie, Why Tho?
• Check out Tiffany’s reel we chat about here.
• Check out Tiffany’s first episode of The Refined Collective here.

To honor Black History Month, I am spending time this month talking about companies and organizations that I love that are run and founded by Black men and women. This week, I want to share about Elevate NY, a non-profit with a mission to build long-term life-changing relationships with the youth in the South Bronx, the most underserved congressional district in the nation. Go to ElevateNewYork.org to find out how you can get involved.

For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to answer the question “why are you still single?” How to know if your standards are too high. And an update on my dating life. YUP! There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Hannah Brencher is the author of Fighting Forward, a TED speaker, and the founder of The World Needs More Love Letters. Also… she was named as one of the White House’s “Women Working to Do Good.” Major! She shares the story of how she met her husband and some dating stories that will help you get creative. Plus, she helps us unpack some major questions to understand where we want to be in 5 years and how we can actually get there.

Get creative with online dating

• We all want to have a rom-com meet cute, but we have to be open to the other possibilities.

• “We become so attached to a Hollywood version of love and then we put spiritual language around it…”

• We’re living in a hookup culture where people have forgotten what real dating looks like without ghosting.

• Remove the pressure from dating: date just to learn how to date if you need to.

Finishing strong

• “I don’t think all closure comes in the form of meeting up in a coffee shop and talking your feelings to death. If I’m always waiting on that other person to give me what I want... that’s not closure; that’s me still being on the hook. We can give ourselves closure and we should.”

• Ask yourself why you’re looking for closure. Are you texting him hoping he’ll respond or because you actually will feel better having communicated it?

What do you want your life to look like 5 years from now?

• Is there a chasm between what you say you want and how you are living?

• “You built this life that you’re living right now. You’re not the victim in your life.”

• Ask yourself:

• • What patterns and behaviors aren’t working for you?
  • How can you actively shift them to live differently?
  • Is the way you’re spending your time and resources reflecting your priorities?
  • Start small and find little ways to shift your priorities. When someone comes along, you’ll be prepared for that.

Resources

• Keep up with Hannah at HannahBrencherCreative.com, on IG at @hannahbrencher, and on FB at @HannahBrencherSheats.
• Buy Hannah’s book, Fighting Forward, on her website or on Amazon.
• Check out Hannah’s episode of Meditative Story.
• Check out the book we chat about: Start by John Acuff.

I recently launched a new resource on my shop! I get hundreds of questions every day over DMs asking for personal advice or coaching. It’s so hard to keep up with and I just can’t commit to answering all of them. But I know an hour long coaching call is a big financial commitment. So now you can ask a coaching question and get an audio message response from me! Go to therefinedwoman.com/shop to check it out.

I was tired of hearing male pastors preach about waiting until marriage for sex when they had gotten married in their early 20s and had no idea what it was really like to date in today’s culture! I wanted to hear from someone in my shoes— so I wrote a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to pre-order now! AND email social@therefinedwoman.com with a copy of your receipt so I can make sure you get some surprise goodies.

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A few years ago, author Ruthie Lindsey and I spoke at the same conference. I only knew her from online, but I remember hearing her story that day and being gutted by the pain and loss that she has experienced in her life. You can read about her experience in her book, There I Am. (I read it in two days and cannot recommend it enough.) During this conversation, we dive into some deep topics:

What if you’re in a leadership position, but don’t know if you believe anymore?

What does it mean to struggle with your faith?

What does it mean to be a people pleaser?

What does it mean to be a Christian in today’s culture?

How do we become an ally in the Black Lives Matter Movement?

Who am I… really?

• I share how at 35, I feel like I’m just starting to see who I truly am and not trying to fit into a version of myself that I thought I should be.

• Ruthie shares how she saw her brother get in trouble a lot when she was little and so she made a conscious decision to always please others.

• “I found so much value and worth in what anyone outside of me thought of me.”

• This caused her to feel disconnected and unable to process hard things.

• “I wasn’t allowed to show anger or hurt or rage or disappointment. Those things were not becoming of a young Christian sweet girl. I pushed all that stuff down.”

Struggling in faith…

• Ruthie reflects on the moments she felt abandoned by her faith and recognizes that she was surrounded by love in those moments.

• “All the traumatic things are crucial ingredients to get there.”

• I share how I thought I was unworthy and broken without Jesus. It was only in the last 6 or 7 years that I have given myself permission to learn more about God. God is not going to be threatened by my doubts.

• “Don’t just take everything that these preachers have given to you. Go within. Everything is about calling us home.”

• God invites us to look inward and question things.

• “You are so good and worthy and inherently divinely needed on this planet. You have a medicine that no one else here can give but you and that all comes from going within.”

“I feel like our healing journey, our awakening journey, is way more of an unlearning and a remembering. It’s an uncovering of what’s always been there. We don’t need to try and become someone we’re not, it’s remembering who we’ve always been.”

How to be a true ally…

• Before you can love and see another person, you have to love and see yourself. So do the inner work.

• “The 13th amendment was passed a long time ago and it didn’t change people’s hearts… Going inward, doing this unlearning… that’s what changes our hearts. Until everyone is seen as equal, our work isn’t done.”

• Ruthie talks about and reflects on moments when she has been complicit and recognizes where she is growing in this journey moving forward.

• “I feel a fire in me to do better.”

Resources

• Keep up with Ruthie at RuthieLindsey.com and join her email list, on IG @ruthielindsey, and on FB at @ruthielindseyspeaker.
• Buy Ruthie’s book, There I Am: The Journey From Hopelessness to Healing.
• Check out the book club she started with Jedidiah Jenkins.
• Listen to Jedidiah Jenkins on The Refined Collective Podcast.
• Listen to the Unspoken Podcast, which Ruthie co-hosts.
• If you need resources to learn more about the Black Lives Matter movement, listen to this episode here.

For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to answer the question “why are you still single?” How to know if your standards are too high. And an update on my dating life. YUP! There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

I was tired of hearing male pastors preach about waiting until marriage for sex when they had gotten married in their early 20s and had no idea what it was really like to date in today’s culture! I wanted to hear from someone in my shoes— so I wrote a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to pre-order now!

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Afton Vechery is the founder and CEO of Modern Fertility. If you’ve been around for a while, you know we’ve talked about fertility a few times on the podcast. If you’re thinking “I’m not trying to have kids yet,” “I’m focusing on my career right now,” or “I don’t even know if I want to have kids,” you should still care about your reproductive health! And Afton is here to help break it down for you!

Reasons to track your cycle:

1. If you’re trying to get pregnant
2. If you have irregular cycles
3. If you’re getting off of birth control
4. So you can understand your unique cycle
5. To get to know + be connected to your body
6. Knowledge is power!!

The Fertility Information Gap

• “It was so empowering… Women were demanding more information about their bodies so they could make the decisions that were right for them.”

• Most of the information out there is about preventing pregnancy and is very fear-based— there was a gap in fertility information so Modern Fertility filled that space.

• Fertility just isn’t a priority until we start having issues conceiving.
• Egg-freezing, IVF, hormonal birth control and kids may not be for everyone, but information is for everyone.

AMH Testing 101

• I share my own AMH test level results that were shocking to me.
• How often should you test your AMH? 1-2x a year

• AMH levels remain consistent throughout the cycle, but FSH (follicle stimulating hormones) + estradiol change throughout your cycle. Because of this, you should use the test on day 3 of your cycle.

• “We wanted to take these tests that are largely confined to infertility clinics and make them mainstream.”

3 Ways to jumpstart your fertility journey:

1. BE OPEN: Be willing to look into this + start talking and researching fertility. “This is an area of our health that’s changing.”
2. Get up to speed with the basics.
3. Be proactive vs. reactive.

“Have a conversation about fertility. Fertility is a part of reproductive health and reproductive health is just a part of our general health.”

Resources

• Check out Modern Fertility at ModernFertility.com and on IG at @modernfertility.
• Check out the really cool timeline feature on their site here.
• Learn more about Modern Fertility’s pregnancy and ovulation testing here!
• If you have any questions, feel free to email hi@modernfertility.com!
• Hear my own fertility journey on Patreon here.

I was tired of hearing male pastors preach about waiting until marriage for sex when they had gotten married in their early 20s and had no idea what it was really like to date in today’s culture! I wanted to hear from someone in my shoes— so I wrote a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to pre-order now!

For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to answer the question “why are you still single?” How to know if your standards are too high. And an update on my dating life. YUP! There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

A special thanks to the Patreon community! Especially our new supporters: Andra, William E, Cassidy S, Liliana R, Trisha R, Tate B, Katie E, and Brittany A. We are so so grateful for you!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

If you’ve been listening to The Refined Collective for a long time, you’ll remember that this week’s guest is actually a repeat guest! Jasmine Star was on the podcast back on episode 009: Chasing Your Why: Career Pivots for the Creative Entrepreneur. This time, we’re talking about Jasmine’s decade-long journey to adopting her daughter.

Adoption: Shifting perspectives

• Jasmine and her husband JD were in very different spots when they began their adoption journey.
• Jasmine reflects on the moment she and her husband became involved with the foster system.
• You can volunteer with communities like National Angels and CASA to show children in the foster system that they are loved.

• They ultimately adopted through a private adoption facilitated by lawyers.

• “There are so many children who just need love and there’s people who are kind good souls who are saying ‘Well, you’re here with us. We’re going to love you.’”

The fears after adoption

• “Am I brave enough to be vulnerable to love somebody who may look at me in the face and say ‘you are not my mom’ or ‘I don’t love you.’”

• It’s a microcosm of loving in general: to open yourself up to love and unbelievable joy, you have to be open to the fear and potential heartache.

Resources

• Keep up with Jasmine Star at JasmineStar.com and on IG at @jasminestar.
• Check out Jasmine Star’s first episode of The Refined Collective here.
• Listen to Jasmine’s twin sister Bianca Olthoff on The Refined Collective here.
• Tune into Jasmine’s podcast, The Jasmine Star Show.
• Check out the foster care communities National Angels and CASA.
• Check out the conversation I had with Ashley Abercrombie about bring pro-life from womb to tomb.

For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to answer the question “why are you still single?” How to know if your standards are too high. And an update on my dating life. YUP! There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

We’re told that we should pray for our future husbands— it makes sense, right? The problem is: nobody ever teaches us how. My friend Stephanie May Wilson created the Every Single Moment Prayer Journal to help with exactly that. It is 100 powerful guided prayers and prompts to help you savor the present and prepare for the future. Go to bit.ly/kat-singlemoment and use code KAT for 15% off your order.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Anthony O’Neal is a financial expert who has served Ramsay Solutions since 2015. I was on his YouTube show, “The Table,” back in 2020, which you can check out here! I am so thrilled to have Anthony on the podcast and so excited to be talking about money. We talk about money and singleness, debt, mindset, and the narratives we grew up believing about money.

Plus: What’s the BEST way to get out of debt? And how can you save and grow money once you’re out of debt?

$30K in Debt + Lookin’ for a Financial Savior

• A few years ago, I was in $30K debt and praying for a financially stable man.
• A deal breaker for me was if a guy was in debt. But THERE I was rolling in debt.
• I wasn’t holding myself to the same standard of what I was looking for in a partner. So I committed to getting out of debt.
• Don’t look for someone with no debt, look for someone who is in the same healthy money mindset.

3 Things You Can Do to Start a Path Towards Freedom

• “Speak what you seek until you see what you spoke.”

• Say “I want to be debt free” every morning.

• Stop borrowing money.

• • If you’re tired of this lifestyle, do something about it.
• Get a clear vision.
• • Why do you want to be out of debt?
• Debt snowball method at daveramsey.com/hope.
• • A step by step process on how to get out of debt, create an emergency fund, and start investing.

The #1 Asset You Have Is Your Mindset

• What are you looking for by spending money? What are you looking for it to satisfy in you?
• Avoid being the “I’m gonna” person and actually do it.

Wanna Be Out of Debt by the End of 2021?

• Yearly vision: getting out of debt by the end of 2021.
• Break that down into monthly goals.
• Breath that down even further into daily habits.
• Every day contributes to your ultimate vision.

Out of Debt… What Next?

• The insecurity hits: “Oh no, I don’t have any savings.”
• Emergency Fund
• • In case of emergencies, you have this reserve.
  • If you live in an expensive city, save three months of expenses.
  • Let the money sit there
• Invest money
• • Talk to a financial advisor if you can (check out anthonyoneal.com/experts for a list of people who have been vetted by Anthony and Dave Ramsey).
  • Save into a 401k.
  • Let the money grow.

Fast Math

• If you make 5k a month, your rent/mortgage shouldn’t be more than 25% of your take home pay.
• With a rent/mortgage of $1,250 and living expenses totaling $750, that makes $2,000. You should have $6,000 in your savings.

Resources

• Keep up with Anthony at anthonyoneal.com and on IG at @anthonyoneal.
• Check out my interview with Anthony on his YouTube channel here.
• Buy Anthony’s books here: The Graduate Survival Guide, Debt-Free Degree, and Destroy Your Student Loan Debt
• Check out the list of experts who have been vetted by Anthony O’Neal and Dave Ramsey here.

I wrote a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! I would love to keep you updated on all things book related (from book to to book launch team, to future events God willing)! Head to bit.ly/trw-book to get all the info.

We’re told that we should pray for our future husbands— it makes sense, right? The problem is: nobody ever teaches us how. My friend Stephanie May Wilson created the Every Single Moment Prayer Journal to help with exactly that. It is 100 powerful guided prayers and prompts to help you savor the present and prepare for the future. Go to bit.ly/kat-singlemoment and use code KAT for 15% off your order.

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I’ve been putting off this episode because I’ve wanted to create something exciting + inspiring as we head into a new year. But if I’m being honest, I’m exhausted and burnt out. I feel like I crawled to the finish line of 2020. In that, as much as I want to move forward and forget about 2020, I can’t. Before we can move on to a new year, before we can cast new vision, we have to pause, and LOOK BACKWARDS BEFORE MOVING FORWARD.

The Class

• I do this workout called The Class by Taryn Toomey—it’s yoga meets cardio meets therapy. What I love about the class is that Taryn understands that the physical is never just about the physical, but an invitation to the spiritual.

• The beginning of a path towards growth + breakthrough begins when we leave our comfort zone—and leaving our comfort zone is UNCOMFORTABLE.

• When all I want to do is quit (+ sometimes I do)—it never fails—I always quit within the last few beats + it makes me wonder in what other areas of my life do I almost get to the finish line + want to sit down? And sometimes I don’t and surprise myself at how strong I am.

2020 Reflection Questions:

1. What does discomfort teach you?
2. What did 2020 teach you?
3. What did this global interruption bring up for you personally?
4. What did the discomfort show you about yourself?
5. What are you like in conflict?
6. How do you respond when things don’t go your way?
7. What lessons could you not have learned about who you are if you didn’t go through 2020? What is the one lesson going into 2021 that you want to take with you?

My lessons from 2020:

• I am not in control. I never was. A big theme for me this year is this: trust and surrender. Especially in dating. (You can listen to my episode all about those lessons here.)
• I can listen to my body. My body has been screaming at me for a long long time, and I made a drastic change recently when I heard a whisper from God…”When are you going to start listening? Your body is speaking truth to you.” And so I left my home of 7 years and moved out of New York.
• Nobody can tell me how long my grieving process should be. I walked through one of the most painful grieving processes of my life in 2020. It was hard to balance professional commitments with the grief of personal loss.

“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.”

- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Will it be for always?

I remembered the squats from The Class. Everything is temporary. Discomfort, frustration, and pain aren’t the end.

God is committed to making all things new. And that means all the things.

My tattoo

• “Selah” // inhale se- exhale lah
• It’s a Hebrew word used in the poetry book of the psalms in the old testament of the Bible.
• It reminds me of a yoga class—the savasana: the final resting pose. What’s rest got to do with working out + getting stronger? Perhaps everything. Perhaps the growth happens in the being. In the being still and the surrender.
• The psalmist says, ‘Be still and know that I am God’—not DO MORE + TO PROVE MORE + EARN MY LOVE…the invitation is to be.
• But the surrender feels uncomfortable. It’s in the being + in the surrender that our hearts have the space to process, to feel, to grieve.

All I want to do is move on from last year and have 2020 be the year that must not be named. But 2020 did happen. The entire world shutdown + it sucked— it sucks—and I walked through some of the deepest heartaches of my life this past summer…and I’ve cried until there were no tears left—and somehow another wave would come. I’ve grieved deeply, processed…and now I'm ready for it to be over. I'm ready for the breakthrough…no more breaking please—I'm ready for the breakthrough. But I wonder if part of the breakthrough is having the courage to be in it, sit in it, feel all the feels—like an ocean wave—let it wash over us, look back through it, dissect it, ask it—what are you trying to teach me? Before we move on, what if we stayed a little while longer + squeezed out all the learning that it has for us?

So maybe don’t rush out of this place.

trusting that it won’t last forever + that God is making all things new + that the growth begins when we step into the discomfort + we must move through it to the other side…can you pause?

Can you be?

Can you be still.

Can you be still and know.

Can you be still and know that God is God?

Breathe into it.

Spend some time looking back before moving forward.

Your breakthrough is coming—but first there must be a breaking + it’s not often we get to experience such a collective breaking. But it makes me hopeful that God wants to do something new in you, in me, in them, in us.

Here’s to 2021.

Resources

• Check out C.S. Lewis’s book A Grief Observed.
• Pre-order my book, Sexless in the City, here!
• Listen to the lessons I learned about dating in 2020 here.
• Email social@therefinedwoman.com with a copy of your receipt if you pre-ordered my book so I can make sure you get some surprise goodies. (Also, email social@therefinedwoman.com if you want to be on my book launch team as an ambassador!)

For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to answer the question “why are you still single?” How to know if your standards are too high. And an update on my dating life. YUP! There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

I was tired of hearing male pastors preach about waiting until marriage for sex when they had gotten married in their early 20s and had no idea what it was really like to date in today’s culture! I wanted to hear from someone in my shoes— so I wrote a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to pre-order now!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

2020 has changed… everything. On all levels. But what I want to focus on in this episode is how dating has changed. You may have found that dating this year has maybe been really frustrating for you or really life-changing and beautiful. Either way, it is teaching some lessons we can carry into 2021 and I’m here for it.

1. Socially-distanced dating

2. Did you ever think you’d consider FaceTime dates with a complete stranger? Hinge and Bumble are actively telling their users to have video calls.

3. You can resist the change or you can embrace it.
4. Honesty hour: they haven’t worked all that well for me. BUT it CAN! I have a friend who met a guy pre-quarantine, had FaceTime dates then socially distanced dates, and now 8 months later THEY’RE MARRIED!

5. There’s an opportunity here to take things slow. You can get to know a person outside of the physical.

6. Are Politics a Deal Breaker?

7. It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of Trump. If you like and voted for Trump, hear me, I do not hate you. In fact, I think it’s important we build bridges of connection. However, if I meet a man who thinks Trump is an incredible man of honor? Then our values are out of alignment and what is important to us does not match up. And that is important to me in a relationship.

8. I can trust my gut

9. My whole life, I was taught not to trust myself. By family, by college athletic trainers, by the church, I was told I’m dramatic, I should ignore what my body is telling me, and my heart is deceitful.

10. I’ve learned that I do have discernment. My body is good and my intuition speaks to me.
11. Ephesians 2:10 “poiema” // We are the poetry of God. God doesn’t make bad things.

12. How does this relate to dating? If there are no big red flags in dating, I think it’s smart to give a guy a chance for three dates. It takes time to get to know a person! BUT I do think it’s important to trust your gut. There’s a balance here: it doesn’t have to be “either or.” It can be a “both and.” Be gracious and open, but take yellow flags into consideration.

13. Being Christian isn’t enough

14. Sharing faith still really matters to me, but now more than ever I recognize that it’s not the only thing that matters to me.

15. I had an experience long distance dating a guy early this year and multiple times I brought up racial reconciliation and it was clearly not something that mattered to him. I also learned that gay people make him uncomfortable. I couldn’t understand how he could love God and not advocate for Black people and support the LGBTQIA community.

16. The love of God isn’t dependent on whether or not you have heterosexual attraction.

17. Growth Mindset

18. Confronted with an area of growth, what is your response? Is it defensiveness or humility?

19. Instead of, “You’re wrong, I’m right.” It should be “I haven’t thought of it that way, I’d love to learn more.”

20. Show don’t tell

21. Have you ever been with a guy who says all the right things? All the things you wanted to hear? Really pay attention to that.

22. Someone can say the right things and not follow through, and really time will tell.

23. Listen to what a guy says, not what you want him to say. If he says “I’m not ready for a relationship,” you could think “Wow, he’s so vulnerable,” but really that’s a red flag.

24. Humor is non-negotiable

25. I just about broke the internet with this IG post back in October. But I stand by this.

26. Life is HARD! And we don’t need to be with a stand-up comedian, but life is messy and I need a guy who is a friend that I can laugh with.

27. Physical attraction is important, but sex isn’t 24/7. Who do I want to be with when we’re going through the hard moments, the boring moments, the everyday moments?

28. Drop the double standards

29. In that same IG post, I said you should be open to dating a guy who is shorter than you. And you all had a LOT of thoughts about it.

30. We are always so upset when a guy doesn’t want to date us based on looks, but we’re doing the same thing by saying we won’t date a short guy.
31. Be willing for love to look differently than you expected for yourself.

32. If we have a standard for a guy, let’s live by that same standard.

33. Trust and surrender

34. I’m 35… I want to have kids yesterday. I’m ready to settle down. I thought this was my year for love.

35. I can do all the “right” things, be clear about my vision, be open to love, and be putting myself out there…. And life can happen.
36. What I’ve really learned was that I can trust and surrender because God has my best.

How has 2020 changed dating for you? I really want to hear! I love a good round number and need a 10th point;) So let me know on social media @therefinedwoman. Thank you for all the listens, downloads, messages, comments, and feedback this year. We are so grateful for this amazing community!

Resources

• Check out Jon Tyson’s episode of the That’s What He Said series here.
• Join our Patreon community here to get access to exclusive video content.
• Check out my IG post that broke the internet.
• Pre-order my book, Sexless in the City, here!

We’re told that we should pray for our future husbands— it makes sense, right? The problem is: nobody ever teaches us how. My friend Stephanie May Wilson created the Every Single Moment Prayer Journal to help with exactly that. It is 100 powerful guided prayers and prompts to help you savor the present and prepare for the future. Go to bit.ly/kat-singlemoment and use code KAT for 15% off your order.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

I have been looking forward to interviewing this guest ever since the Tik Tok algorithm graced me with his videos. I am obsessed. Shaun Galanos is a love coach and he is very matter of fact about the dating questions he receives. He answers questions with clarity and compassion. So together, we collected some of your top dating questions and answered them for you! From ghosting to cheating to finances, we cover some pretty massive questions.

“Why do men ghost? Especially if the man asked for my number and texted me.”

• They don’t care
• They don’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation with you
• That’s all they know how to do
• They want to ghost you before you ghost them
• They want to hurt you/make you sad
• They don’t want to hurt your feelings
• They feel guilty

“How do I manage finances in relationships when we have different standards of spending habits?”

• Values around money and debt are important— you should share those values.
• The money conversation can be a turnoff or red flag for someone if you bring it up early on.

“How do you know if it’s the right person, just the wrong time?”

• If what you’re really asking is:
• • “Am I making the right choice? Is there better?” Stop overthinking!
• • “I’ve been rejected, but should I just wait for them?” Move on! “If someone says no, take it as a no, believe them, and let the universe sort it out on the back end.”

“Can I build a relationship with someone I used to cheat with?”

• You can do anything you want in life, but ask yourself “Is this good for me?”
• There are so many ways to view a situation like this, some are fantasies and some are more riddled with problems.
• If it’s something you really want to pursue, go to counseling with that person to work on how you can make this relationship better.

“Be honest, have you ever decided not to date a girl because of her ethnicity?”

• Neither of us have not dated someone because of their ethnicity.
• I share what I’ve noticed of my own behavior on dating apps when it comes to race and how I’ve been reflecting on that and learning what has influenced that behavior.

“How can I make the first move without being too forward/intimidating as a woman?”

• “Just do it. Stop sitting on the sidelines hoping that he notices you and just do it.”
• It’s time to move on from the whole “men are hunters and women are prey” analogy, because guess what? Hunters don’t woo their prey!
• Ask yourself what’s holding you back— are you afraid of asking because you’re afraid of the answer?

“How do you date in 2020 when you really hate internet dating?”

• Ask yourself: what did people do before online dating became a thing?
• Don’t look down on the idea of being set-up!
• Get used to saying hi to strangers.

“How can I get context when it’s basically over text due to distance?”

• So I guess we’ve all just forgotten about phone calls, huh? Pick up the phone! You can get so much more context in a conversation when you hear their voice.
• I know a lot of us feel safer over text, but it’s so incomplete.
• Always make sure the big conversations are done over the phone or in person.

“I like masturbation, but I’m worried I’m not going to like sex when I get married.”

• Focus on masturbation now and worry about sex later. If you understand your own pleasure, you are setting yourself up for some really positive experiences with your partner.

• “Start talking about sex…so that it becomes a natural part of your relationship.”

• The book Slow Sex by Diana Richardson explores the idea that you should focus on your own pleasure and ask for what you want.
• None of this is possible without communication!*

“You will get more information when you ask for the thing that you want.”

Resources

• Keep up with Shaun on IG at @thelovedrive and on TikTok at @thelovedrive.
• Check out his course on healthy communication at thelovedrive.com.
• Shaun’s Love Drive videos on YouTube.
• IG post about why men ghost.
  • An article Shaun wrote about ghosting.
  • An IGTV Shaun did all about ghosting.
• Read Slow Sex by Diana Richardson
• Want to dive into a deeper conversation about masturbation? Listen to the Masturbation Series on The Refined Collective.
• Want to dive into a deeper conversation about sex? Check out Dr. Celeste Holbrook on The Refined Collective.

I was tired of hearing male pastors preach about waiting until marriage for sex when they had gotten married in their early 20s and had no idea what it was really like to date in today’s culture! I wanted to hear from someone in my shoes— so I wrote a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to pre-order now!

We’re told that we should pray for our future husbands— it makes sense, right? The problem is: nobody ever teaches us how. My friend Stephanie May Wilson created the Every Single Moment Prayer Journal to help with exactly that. It is 100 powerful guided prayers and prompts to help you savor the present and prepare for the future. Go to bit.ly/kat-singlemoment and use code KAT for 15% off your order.

View Details

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. Last week, Tim Timberlake shared some practical tips for single women to prepare for marriage, because marriage is sacrifice, y’all— are you setting yourself up for success in singleness? Listen to that episode here if you missed it.

This week, I’m wrapping up the That’s What He Said series that has carried us through this fall with a conversation I had with Church of the City in New York pastor Jon Tyson a few years ago. He is also the author of Beautiful Resistance and The Burden is Light, husband and father. This entire series has been all about asking men from all over the U.S. both married, single, dating, and everywhere in-between your top dating and relationship questions.

But we can’t talk about dating without talking about sex, desire, and sexuality. And we can’t talk about any of those things without talking about God--the Creator of all of it (What better way to end the series right?).

The majority of church conversations around sex are about do’s and don’ts rather than formation and theology, so Jon and I talk all about how to have a nuanced Biblical view of sex and desire.

Hook-up Culture + Porn

• So many people are disillusioned with hookup culture and with porn. When it comes to the church, most people who attend are single and frustrated.
• “People are wrestling profoundly with the sense of being left out, where they look at people in the world who seem to be doing whatever they want and having some level of fun.”

How Did We Get Here?

• One thing that has transformed everything in the sexual culture we live in is technology.
• Porn is available to everyone, giving the option to get sexual satisfaction without human connection. But human connection is crucial to the sexual experience.
• What has the church’s response to this been? Moral standards and will power will give you holiness. But this approach does not work.

Sexual Formation

• When it comes to spiritual formation, we’re always asking ourselves: “Who am I becoming by what I am doing?”
• Apply this same concept to your sexuality. “It’s staggering how much harm and how much blessing can come from sexuality.”
• Jon asks why we as a society date people we know we don’t actually like. Is it because we lack a vision for our love life?

The 4 Points of Christian Sexuality

1. Sex points beyond itself.
2. Holistic integration.
3. Self-control strengthens our vision.
4. It’s a witness to the world.

Further Reading

• Check out Jon’s NEW BOOK: Beautiful Resistance: The Joy of Conviction in a Culture of Compromise.
• Check out Jon’s book The Burden Is Light: Liberating Your Life from the Tyranny of Performance and Success.
• Read the NYT article Jon talks about: What Teenagers Are Learning From Online Porn.
• Jon recommends these books if you want to dive further into this conversation: Divine Sex by Jonathan Grant, Love Thy Body by Nancy Pearcey, and A Better Story by Glynn Harrison.

Resources

• Keep up with Jon at church.nyc and on IG at @churchofthecitynewyork and @jontyson.
• Check out Jon’s “The Controversial Jesus” series on YouTube.
• Curious about when I decided to wait for marriage? Listen to this podcast episode.
• Want more of a conversation on masturbation? Listen to this episode then this episode.
• Need help on how to communicate to the person you’re dating that you’re waiting for marriage? Listen to this episode.
• Need more help navigating your sexual desire? Check out this episode of the podcast.
• Curious about how to navigate physical boundaries in dating? This episode of the podcast is for you.

We’ve been diving into some pretty big conversations around dating and what it’s like being single in today’s culture. Maybe you feel uncomfortable connecting with me on IG in a public way, so I created a private Facebook community for single ladies. (P.S. I’m always giving dating advice over there!) Head over to bit.ly/trw-singleladies to join this community of women lifting each other up!

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. Last week, Ben Stuart answered the most asked question in the Christian single lady community: where are all of the single Godly men? His answer is thoughtful, encouraging, and challenging. Listen here if you missed it.

This week, I’m talking with pastor Tim Timberlake. He is the pastor of Christian Faith Center in North Carolina. He’s been married to wife Jen for over 5 years and together they have the cutest son, Maxwell Ace Timberlake. He considers himself a Christian first, husband second, father third, and pastor fourth. In this conversation from the archives, we talk about how you can grow with a person in marriage, what your “list” of perfect qualities should look like, and how we can practice sacrifice as single women. Because guess what? Marriage requires sacrifice!

How do you grow together in marriage?

• Tim shares his experience as a divorced man who went on to find the love of his life.
• “You can absolutely be married to God’s perfect choice, but if both people aren’t pursuing God, then that quickly changes.”
• Communication can help us to grow together, because change is inevitable.
• “We don’t get let down by what happens to us, we get let down by what we expected not to happen to us.”

3 things to put on your list

1. Common Ground.
2. Shared Faith.
3. Physical attraction!

How can we prep for marriage as single people?

• Love is a choice and there is no other relationship that sets us up for the sacrifices and commitment through the tough times when we are in seasons of singleness.
• He notes that whenever he finds himself being short with the people he loves, he can pinpoint it to not spending enough time with God.
• “I want this person to win more than I want to win in this relationship.”

Lightning round

• Can guys tell when a woman likes her? ABSOLUTELY! But misreads do happen.
• Does attraction have to be there from the start? Attraction will constantly evolve.
• Which do you value more—respect or love? Respect and honor go hand in hand. Honor is impossible without love. There has to be action behind it.
• How do I know if he likes me? If he makes sacrifices for you, he’s serious about you. There’s a distinction to be made between want (convenience) and like.

“It takes time to make something that is good. Anything that comes into your life prematurely, arrives too small. Be patient. Know that the wait will be worth it. God has His perfect plan for your life that He is building up for you.”

Resources

• Keep up with Tim at TimTimberlake.tv.
• Follow Tim on Instagram at @ttimberlake and Twitter at @timtimberlake.

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

We’ve been diving into some pretty big conversations around dating and what it’s like being single in today’s culture. Maybe you feel uncomfortable connecting with me on IG in a public way, so I created a private Facebook community for single ladies. (P.S. I’m always giving dating advice over there!) Head over to bit.ly/trw-singleladies to join this community of women lifting each other up!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. Last week, we took a short break with the series so I could address the sex scandals that have been exposed recently in the evangelical church. It’s a hard conversation, but it’s one we need to be having. You can take a listen here.

This week, I’m sharing the conversation I had with Ben Stuart a while back. He is the pastor of Passion City Church DC, but before that he ran a college and singles ministry. Basically, he has worked with a lot of young single Christians. DC is one of the loneliest cities in America and people longing for connection come to his church to find it. We do a deep dive into the question “Where are all of the single Godly men?” plus how you can have a healthy dynamic in male/female friendships.

Where are all of the single Godly men?

• There are two levels to this question: physically where are they… and why are they not pursuing me?
• He notes the social implications of technology has changed the dating scene. People are losing the personal connection and ability to socialize in person.
• Only 12% of single women were asked out in the last year.
• “I know great men that are running in the world, and if you get running in a healthy direction, you’re going to see them out there.”
• There can be a blame shift that happens when we lament that there are no guys out there.
• Around 10% of women ask men out every year—they want to be pursued!

How can you have a healthy dynamic in a male/female friendship?

• Friendship is possible, but it’s important to ask yourself and the other person what friendship really means.
• “If you say, ‘I want to be friends,’ but any other person’s presence makes you feel threatened… you don’t want to be friends. You want possession.”
• Long term, is it worth spending all of your energy on male friendships? When you get married, would you husband be comfortable with them around?
• Are we too busy getting all of our micro-needs met by several guy friends to have our needs met by one romantic partner?
• “Decoupling commitment and sex damaged both. We lost both.”

Resources

• Keep up with Ben on Instagram at @ben_stuart_.
• Hear more from Ben on the Passion City Church DC Podcast and YouTube Channel.
• Check out Ben’s new book Single, Dating, Engaged, Married: Navigating Life and Love in the Modern Age.
• Read Cheap Sex by Mark Regnerus.
• Read A Return to Modesty by Wendy Shalit.

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.

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Trigger warning (and kiddo warning): As the episode title suggests, I am going to be talking about some hard topics and sharing some vulnerable stories.

It’s time to acknowledge the elephant in the room

• It feels dismissive to do a podcast on dating this week.
• I am committed to being honest with you and have hard conversations. I’m committed to moving towards that thing that is uncomfortable because I honestly think it’s what we all long for.
• I might say it wrong, I may peel back in hindsight, I may be misunderstood, you may disagree. My hope is that this gets you talking, processing, and thinking critically.
• Also caveat: we’re all humans, we all mess up. We all need redemption.

Here’s what’s going on

• Evangelical leaders are being exposed at a rapid rate for their moral failures. This year, we have:

• Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. exposed.

• Pastor John Gray exposed for being unfaithful to his wife.
• Christian Comedian John Crist exposed for sex addiction.

• Hillsong NYC Pastor Carl Lentz (my former pastor) was fired for “leadership issues, breaches of trust, and moral failures”. The day after the news was made public, Carl released a statement on Instagram admitting to cheating on his wife. Since then, at least one woman has come forward claiming a 5-month relationship with Carl that ended just last week.

• So this is where we are… I am sad. I am hurting. I am angry. I am tired of seeing pastor after male pastor lack integrity and accountability. The fallout of this behavior is deeper and wider than even we can comprehend.

Acknowledge those hurting

• The most overlooked people in these scenarios are those who have been hurt, betrayed, abused, by the offender/predator/addict/etc.
• Jesus always took care of the hurting.

o With all these men’s public confession… let’s be clear that all of these men got CAUGHT and THEN confessed. There is an outpouring of praise: “What a good man. Your ministry has blessed me so much.”

• Dismissal of pain. We’re allowed to be angry. Gaslighting and spiritual manipulation.

• Misunderstanding of biblical forgiveness

• Steve Farrar’s sermon on forgiveness.

• Phylicia Masonheimer: There’s a difference between forgiveness and restoration.

To the hurting and betrayed: I acknowledge you

• Wives and children: humiliation, betrayal, breach of trust
• Those who worked with and led with who feel blindsided
• To those who worked for and served under them
• To those who attended their ministries
• To the people of color who feel heartbroken because Carl has been such a voice in the racial justice conversation and Black Lives Matter movement.
• I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU. I acknowledge your pain. What happened was wrong, and I’m so sorry you are going through this.

The fallout and heartache is deep and wide

• You are allowed to grieve
• You are allowed to be angry
• You are allowed to process
• No one has the right to tell you how you should feel or when you should be “over” this.

Do we have such low view of men?

• Whispering between the lines of all this public praise for a confession is another message: boys will be boys
• When will we stop believe the lies that sexual integrity is harder for men than it is for women

o The crushing pressure of my sexual purity and the sexual integrity of men is on my shoulders is wrong. It was never ours to carry, and men it’s time you take ownership.

• Men just as much made in the image of God as women are.
• Women are just as much sexual beings as men are.
• I call BS on the whole thing. Do you really have such low view of men that we think them incapable of learning how to control their urges and impulses?
• I don’t accept this behavior and I’m mad not because I think poorly of men, but because I view highly of men.
• You are a reflection of the image of God, just as women are. It’s time to hold yourself to a higher standard.
• It’s time to do the work, get accountability for real.
• Oppression stops not when the oppressed takes a stand, but when the oppressor repents and turns around.

o One of the most upsetting things was that it was men in the comments praising the fallen pastor and I saw one lonely woman who said “No. Not okay”. Men, why are you leaving this up to us?”

• Men, I love you. Be better.

Church, we have to do better

• When we allow this behavior to go on in our church walls, the church no longer is a safe place for the disadvantaged, for the oppressed, for the ostracized, the abused, but a sanctuary for the religious elite, privileged, and those who are abusing their power.
• Jesus hated abuse of power. We see Jesus flipping over tables in the temple and yelling at the religious elite, “You brood of vipers.” Why? The house of God became a place where those in power abused their power and took advantage of the weak. Do I believe in forgiveness? Do I believe in restoration? Of course. But this behavior should make us angry and spur us to action on behalf of those being taken advantage of. Why? Because this behavior makes Jesus angry.
• My plea to the church: we have to do better.
• The church is supposed to be a witness to the world. A reflection of Jesus us— the Jesus who has transformed our lives. Yet, is the church as it stands today a witness to world beckoning hope, acceptance, unconditional love, mercy, and grace? We are a house divided. We are a mockery of what it means to reflect the God image to a world longing for restoration.

Pause to look inward

• I’m not above or below having a lapse in judgement or a moral failure. No one is.
• We become who we are through tiny decisions that we do or do not make every single day. Every thought, action, posture of the heart, compromise big or small leads us on a path towards life or destruction. Who are you becoming?
• I have been quick to anger, quickly offended, sharp tongues, and I want to apologize for that. I have been blind to my judgmental spirit because I have felt right. It has felt justifiable.

“Being a Christian can be confusing. Our faith is unique among the world’s religions in its central teaching of grace, yet it’s known as a religion of works. Christianity is supposed to be defined by love, yet Christians are viewed as judgmental hypocrites. Our faith proclaims forgiveness of sin, yet we are often remembered for our self-righteous behavior. One research group studying evangelical Christians revealed these public perceptions: “Evangelicals were called illiterate, greedy, psychos, racist, stupid, narrow-minded, bigots, idiots, fanatics, nut cases, screaming loons, delusional, simpletons, pompous, morons, cruel, nitwits, and freaks, and that’s just a partial list…some people don’t have any idea what Evangelicals actually are or what they believe—they just know that can’t stand Evangelicals.” …I have struggled with the gap between what I say and how I live. I have struggled profoundly to integrate my faith into my personal life. Have you felt this tension?” —Jon Tyson, The Burden is Light

I am no better

• I am one wrong decision away from crazy.
• Who am I? Who do I want to be? Who has access to my life?
• Do I have the courage to be known in the moment and not just after a crisis or when I’m found out?
• I reached out to several pastor and mentors and friends this week and said, “Hey, I don’t want this to be me. Will you walk with me? I want to be known.”
• Who are you becoming?

I want to speak peace and hope over you, me, us. Hope does not put us to shame. Jesus’ heart is to make all things new. Jesus makes us new, makes the church new, comforts us, brings us peace. Restore only what you can restore.

Resources

• TRC Ep 114: Why Are So Many People Leaving the Evangelical Church Right Now?with Addison Bevere
• Read Phylicia Masonheimer’s IG poston repentance and restoration.
• Listen to Steve Farrar’s sermon “Anchored in Forgiveness.”
• Check out Jon Tyson’s book The Burden is Light.
• Announcement from Hillsong Church Global Senior Pastor Brian Houston.
• The Sun article where the woman came forward about her relationship with Carl Lentz.

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby.Did you know you couldfinancially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!**

If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. We took a short break last week to cover some important topics around faith and politics during this election. As a little refresher, the last episode of That’s What He Said was with Jeff Johnson. He shared all about how a break can be used for growth, the biggest fears guys have in relationships, and how to discuss porn when the guy you’re dating shares that he struggles with it. Check it out here if you missed it.

This week, I’m talking with Matt Jones. This episode is pretty special for a few reasons. Firstly, this is the only episode in the That’s What He Said series that has never been heard before! This conversation is still from the archives, but it was never released. Secondly, Matt is the oldest single guy in this series. I know it can feel exhausting to hear advice from young married people who are encouraging you to trust in God’s timing. Matt is in his late 30s and putting in the work. Since having this conversation, he has entered a serious and committed relationship. I can’t wait for you to hear everything he has to share!

What are your feelings on set-ups?

• I asked everyone on Instagram and it broke. the. internet. so I asked Matt about his thoughts on set-ups as someone who has been set up before.
• Many women feel shame for asking to be set up because it feels like “I can’t get dates on my own,” which is devastating because set-ups can be SO valuable!
• Instead of feeling shame when someone tries to set you up, recognize that your reach is limited and people in your circle are able to extend that reach.

Do you know what you want?

• Matt reflects on how at 35, a switch flipped when it came to dating.
• “As I developed and grew and matured, my priorities changed and my intentions changed.”
• Living in LA, Matt recognizes that being single is a lot more common— people are pursuing their dreams and careers above marriage and having a family.
• Having spent so much time dating, he recognizes what he wants in a woman and what a healthy relationship looks like for him. That’s so valuable.
• “When it comes down to the really important stuff… there’s a lack of connection if you’re not centered in the same place.”

Mindset in Singleness

• Should you pursue or wait on God’s timing? Both.
• Matt admits that he spent much of his singleness in a pity party and this is what prevented him from finding his person during that time.
• “Take a really good long look at yourself and see how you might be contributing to your own singleness before putting it on society or culture or the location of where you live, or your age, or your circumstances.”

Resources

• Keep up with Matt on Instagram at @MattJones6.
• Listen to That’s What He Said: DM Dating // Going from DMs to Real Life with Jamal Miller
• Listen to That’s What He Said: How to Let Him Know You’re Into Him with Jarod Nickerson
• Listen to That’s What He Said: How to Create a Culture of Honor in Dating with Jeff Johnson

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

We’ve been diving into some pretty big conversations around dating and what it’s like being single in today’s culture. Maybe you feel uncomfortable connecting with me on IG in a public way, so I created a private Facebook community for single ladies. (P.S. I’m always giving dating advice over there!) Head over to bit.ly/trw-singleladies to join this community of women lifting each other up!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

On Monday, I had a conversation with speaker and author Ashley Abercrombie on why being pro-birth isn’t enough and how to have a compassionate and nuanced dialogue around abortion. Today, the conversation around faith and politics continues. How does our faith impact how we vote? Can we love our neighbor through our politics?

I’m exploring this conversation with Stephanie Summers. She is the CEO of the Center for Public Justice, an independent, non-partisan civic education and public policy organization based in Washington, D.C. She has dedicated her life to learning and ministry and justice and I can’t wait for you to hear everything she has to share.

How to find accurate/truthful info on candidates

• Read your local paper— it’s the best place to learn about local politics
• Attend a local forum or access them on the internet— hear the candidate directly
• Ask friends who might be more connected to/involved in the political scene
• Reach out directly to the campaigns

What your vote really means

• “Politics is a way that we respond to God’s call to love our neighbors.”
• Voting is a way to achieve proximate justice.
• “My vote isn’t designed to be all about me, but it’s really about the wellbeing, the shalom, the flourishing of our community.”
• Every human being is made in God’s image, not just the ones we agree with politically.

How to show up in patience and love with someone who is on the other side of you

• None of this is a one-and-done conversation.
• Pray for openness to hear the other side— and a humility to admit, “I could be wrong— God, show me.” Pray for softened hearts. “God, what do you want from me here?”
• It’s not your job to convince someone to get on your side.

“As God’s people, there is more that unites us in Christ than divides us in politics. We have forgotten that in many ways.”

The election is November 3rd, what happens next?

• “The election is not the end; it’s the beginning.”
• Get to know your community policies and officials so you don’t feel overwhelmed the week before the next election.
• Get involved with political discipleship groups to help you think about, use, and develop tools to show up with intentionality as a person of faith with politics.
• Shared Justice Journal covers a lot of political topics and faith. It will help you wrestle some nuanced and hard topics.

How do we look at a candidate holistically?

• Pandemic response and racial justice are both significant issues right now
• Think about what it means to be well as a nation
• Posture of unity, even if we don’t agree (as opposed to punishment if you don’t believe in ‘x’s side.

Can we separate someone’s personal character from their policy?

• Ask yourself these questions:
  • If your pastor had terrible character, would you be okay if your church was growing and people were getting free?
  • If your boss treated you and your coworkers maliciously, but pays you really well?
• Think about your response. Do you care about the process or the outcome?

Resources

• Keep up with all things Center for Public Justice at org, on Instagram at @centerpublicjustice, and on Twitter at @cpjustice.
• Check out org and sharedjustice.org to stay informed.
• Listen to Faith + Politics Part I: Why Pro-Birth Isn’t Enough with Ashley Abercrombie
• Watch my IGTV: “I don’t support Trump… Can we be friends if we disagree politically?”
• Listen to Why Black Lives Matter

If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.**

If you feel overwhelmed and want to learn to step out in clarity with politics, go to politicaldiscipleship.org and join one of the sessions offered. It’s all about being intentional, and it’s all about community.

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

This week, we’re taking a break from the That’s What He Said series, because it has been on my heart to share resources and stories to support you in the upcoming election (on November 3, in case you need a reminder). I want to ask the hard questions and give you space to ask those hard questions to and wrestle and pray. So this week, I’m talking to repeat guest Ashley Abercrombie and we’re having an honest conversation about abortion, pro-life, and pro-birth. We are so grateful that you are listening to this conversation, even if it might make you uncomfortable.

Here’s what’s been going through my mind recently:

• How does our faith impact how we vote?
• What does it really mean to be pro-life?
• What does it mean to be a single-issue voter?
• And how can I have a robust + holistic view of a candidate without getting sucked into the propaganda + emotion of it all?

Why Do Women Have Abortions?

• Poverty: women not having the capacity to care for both themselves and a child.
• 25% of the abortions in the United States are had by married women.
• Victims of domestic violence will turn to abortion when they fear bringing a child into an abusive home.
• “Abortion doesn’t have a specific face.”

Why Are You Anti-Abortion?

• Is this something you inherited from your faith community growing up?
• Is this something your parents taught you?
• Is it a value you hold dear because you have researched the issue and are pro-life, pro-birth, and pro-mother?

Pro-Life vs. Pro-Birth and Pro-Mother

• Being pro-mother means advocating for women’s right to have a good birth experience. Simple things like having a decent maternity leave.
• When we talk about pro-life, we need to be considering the full life of both the child and mother.
• “We cannot just be pro-birth people, we have to be pro-life. It’s who God is.”

"I do not believe that just because you are opposed to abortion, that that makes you pro-life. In fact, I think in many cases, your morality is deeply lacking if all you want is a child born but not a child fed, a child educated, a child housed. And why would I think that you don't? Because you don't want any tax money to go there. That's not pro-life. That's pro-birth. We need a much broader conversation on what the morality of pro-life is.”

• Sister Joan Chittister, on a Bill Moyers interview in 2004

3 Assumptions Voting Pro-Life and Republican

1. A Republican will appoint pro-life people in the Supreme Court and thus overturn Roe v. Wade

2. For the last 49 years, Republicans have owned the majority in the Supreme Court, yet no overturn.

3. In 1992, there was an 8:1 ratio of Republicans to Democrats in the Supreme Court. When given the chance to turn down abortion, they didn’t.

4. Overturning Roe is the key to ending abortion

5. Roe decision didn’t legalize abortion

6. In 1776, abortion was legal everywhere in the United states

7. In the 1930s, doctors reported 800k legal abortions— similar to numbers to that of today

8. Policies of Republicans decrease abortions and Democrats increase abortions

9. Republicans // Pro-Life

   • Overturn Roe v. Wade
   • No taxpayer funding
   • Defund Planned Parenthood
   • Baby’s right to life
10. Democrats // Pro-Choice
    • Support Roe v. Wade
    • Taxpayer funding for abortions
    • Expand Planned Parenthood
    • Mother’s right to privacy

Why Have Abortions Been Declining Since the 1980s?

1. Fewer women are facing unplanned pregnancies
2. Reduced teen sexual activity
3. More access to healthcare and contraceptives
4. New state restrictions (i.e. late-term abortions)
5. More affordable adoptions

None of these things happen because of Roe v. Wade, a presidential candidate, or a Supreme Court justice.

“We don’t have to agree on everything to be connected to one another.”

Resources

• Keep up with Ashley at org and on IG at @ashabercrombie
• How To Live Authentically Without Prematurely Sharing Your Story with Ashley Abercrombie on TRC
• How to Own Your Voice: A Conversation on Consent with Tiffany Bluhm on TRC
• Ashley and Tiffany’s podcast episode: Why Pro-Birth Isn’t Enough Tho
• My thoughts on Trump: watch this IGTV
• Buy Ashley’s books Rise of the Truth Teller and Love is the Resistance.
• “Policies, Persons, and Paths to Ruin” by John Piper
• Further listening on evangelicals and politics on NPR
• Further reading from Ashley: The Stigma and Shame of Abortion.

Avail exists to empower New Yorkers facing an unexpected pregnancy or past abortion with critical support and resources to inform their decisions, build healthy relationships, and promote healing. They promise a safe place for confident decisions with no pressure or politics. You can make an appointment to meet your personal advocate at Availnyc.org. (59:38)

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! (28:25)

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. Last week, Jarod Nickerson shared some major insight into things like, “What should I do if I’m put in the friend zone?” “Does attraction have to be there from the start or can it grow?” and “How can I communicate that I’m developing feelings for a guy without being too forward?” Check it out here if you missed it!

This week, I’m sharing the conversation I had a while back with Jeff Johnson, a worship pastor at Passion City Church in Atlanta. This episode, we talk a lot about his relationship with his wife, Jourdan. Their love story is a beautiful reminder that love stories will look different for everyone. He also shares how a break can be used for growth, the biggest fears guys have in relationships, and how to discuss porn when the guy you’re dating shared that he struggles with it.

Does attraction have to be there from the start?

• Jeff was physically attracted to Jourdan since the first time he saw her, but he was attracted to her personality as well.
• “Her character speaks louder than her beauty.”

How can a break be used for growth?

• They broke up after being together for 8 years. Jeff thought he just needed time to work on himself and they would get back together, but Jourdan moved on and started dating a new guy.
• When they got back together two years later, their prioritization of communication made the relationship strong.

Which do you value more, respect or love?

• “Guys want to feel respected and like they carry weight in the relationship.”
• He acknowledges a lot of men out there did not have the male leaders guiding them to step into their roles as a man.
• Sometimes we need to just remember that we all have blown it, and it is not productive to expect perfection from the other person.

What are the biggest fears guys have in relationships?

• If they open up about something, they want to know they will be accepted and understood. They want to feel safe.
• Being with someone 24/7, everything comes out into the open. “When you get married, there is nothing off the table.”
• “I know your story and it’s covered by grace, just like my story is covered by grace.”

What about porn?

• It’s hard for women to hear these struggles because they often fall into the trap of thinking they are not enough, which is not the case.
• How do you know a guy is serious about recovery from pornography? A huge litmus test: Do you see friends in his life bringing him closer to Christ and challenging him on this? Is he willing to work and fight through his issues? Or is he a passive bystander to his growth?

Resources

• Keep up with Jeff at jeffjohnsonband.org and on Instagram at @jeffejohnson.
• Follow Jeff’s wife, Jourdan, on Instagram at @jourdanjohnson.
• Listen to Jeff Johnson’s music on iTunes.

You may or may not know that I am writing a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! Want to stay up to date on all things book related, from book tour, to joining my launch team, to special in-person events (God willing)? Head over to bit.ly/Trw-book so you can be the first to know.

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. Last week, Jamal Miller got real with us about expectations in dating, whether it’s how we meet the person (be open to sliding into DMs— it works!), or what qualities we imagine our future spouse will have. Check it out here if you missed it.

This week, I’m sharing the conversation I had a while back with LA-based mental and fitness coach Jarod Nickerson. Believe it or not, we covered pretty much every single question you guys sent in. Curious whether or not he can tell you have a crush on him? Want to let him know you’re interested, but you’re afraid of being too forward? Or maybe you’re just too afraid, period? (Who else gets sweaty palms??) Jarod shares some insight on these questions and so many more.

1. Do guys know when a girl has a crush on them?

• Every guy is different, but plenty of guys are oblivious.

2. Do guys develop attraction over time, or does it have to be there from the get-go?

• A lot of the time, attraction will be there from the start, but it’s possible for the attraction to develop as they get to know a girl.
• “It’s kind of the reflection of the heart manifesting outside the body.”

3. Which do you value more: respect or love?

• Love and respect go hand in hand.
• “If someone doesn’t respect you, then how can they love you?”

4. How do I know if he likes me?

• There are a lot of things to consider: Do they have self-awareness? If someone knows who they are, they can be more confident.

5. Is it true that if he’s interested, he’ll pursue/do whatever it takes to make it happen?

• A guy will pursue and do whatever it takes to make it happen until it’s clear she does not want to pursue anything.

6. Do you think guys + girls can be just friends?

• Jarod believes it is possible but knows there can be confusion for some friendships. It all comes down to being transparent and honest.

7. How can I let him know I’m interested in more than just friends w/o being too aggressive/forward?

• Confidence is sexy and honesty is important. Let it out, but don’t hang on it.
• “If someone can’t handle you being real and honest with them, then they’re probably not someone who is always going to be calling you up and out for the rest of your life.”

8. Would you date a woman that doesn’t share your worldview/faith?

• Jarod says no, in short. It’s important to share a worldview.
• “If they are truly a seeker and have a good heart, then maybe you could court that relationship, but for me I’m a follower of Jesus and if they’re not following Jesus it’s not going to work.”

9. Are you intimidated by a woman with a successful career?

• He wants the answer to be no, but the honest answer is “probably.”
• “All you’re doing is comparing yourself to how you think it should be, not necessarily what it is.”
• The time when it can feel most intimidating is at the start of a relationship, but he would definitely still ask her out.

10. What’s something that women do that feels emasculating?

• Distrust and not supporting his future would be devastating.

• “My biggest fear in life is not supporting my future family.”

11. What’s something a woman can do to honor you/makes you feel like a man?

• Belief—everyone loves to have someone believe in them.

12. What are you looking for in a relationship/partner?

• “I’m looking for someone who is going to challenge me, push me, and believe in me. I only want someone in my life if they’re going to call me up to be better. I don’t want just a cheerleader.”

13. Why do you think a lot of guys don’t want to date within their own community i.e. church?

• He notes the challenges that arise when there is close proximity in this way. If it doesn’t work out—a guy doesn’t want that ‘Scarlett letter.’
• Don’t let fear be motivating any of your decisions in relationships.

14. Where are all the single godly men—do you think there are more single than women, or does it just seem like that?

• The question is rooted in fear.
• “Am I walking in alignment in the identity of the woman God has made?”
• If you’re pursuing what God has put on your heart, you’ll see Godly men on that same path.
• “Ask the Lord to quiet your mind and ask Him to speak.”

Resources

• Keep up with Jarod on Instagram at @jarod.nickerson (you’ll notice he’s no longer single— sorry, ladies!)

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out!

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

It’s been 2 and a half years since I launched The Refined Collective Podcast (but don’t worry, we’re not going anywhere). We have over 100 episodes and even if you’ve been following for a while, chances are that you missed out on some. To give myself some space and rest this fall (OOF the 2020 struggle is real, y’all), I am relaunching an old series where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know, plus there’s a never before heard bonus episode straight from the mouth of single dude actively lookin’ for his wifey.

First up, Jamal Miller. This guy is a mogul—for real though. He’s an entrepreneur, pastor, husband to Natasha, father of two daughters, CEO of @millermediagroup, founder of @marriedandyoung, and online campus pastor at All Nations Chicago. Yeah, he’s pretty awesome! This episode, we chat about how he’s an advocate for sliding into DMs (just wait until you hear the way he met his wife), plus he gives you the truth about why that guy is not asking you out. We all walk around with expectations, whether it’s the way we think we’ll meet our person or what qualities we think they’ll have. This episode will help you step into reality and open you up to the possibilities ahead of you.

Expectations vs Reality

• Is your expectation of a rom com meet-cute fairytale keeping you from trying the dating apps or sliding into DMs?
• You’ve heard of the IG DM slide, but what about the Facebook messenger slide? Yeah, that’s where it all started for Jamal and Natasha.
• Phone calls turned to skype dates, which then turned into meeting face to face. Losing hope for your dating life in quarantine? Fairytale endings can grow out of socially distanced beginnings.

The Dream Guy Checklist

• “You have to first go through the process of divorcing the person in your head.”
• We walk around with an image in our head of the exact person we think we should be with and it’s preventing us from seeing the person we’re actually meant to be with.
• Don’t count out a guy you’ve known forever just because they aren’t new and exciting.
• “Your feelings don’t know your future.”
• Are men intimidated by strong women? If he is, he’s the wrong guy. “You want a man who is inspired by you.”

Friend Zone vs. Danger Zone

• Men and women can be friends, but not best friends. That’s the danger zone where things can get complicated and messy.
• There needs to be clear communication from the start so that nobody gets emotionally tied to the other person and ends up hurt.
• “Friendship is a breeding ground for marriage.”
• Relationships can grow out of friendships when there’s communication and respect.
• “If you’re going to be a bad friend, you’re going to be a bad spouse.”

Give Him a Nudge

• You’re not comfortable pursuing? Well guess what, some guys aren’t comfortable pursuing either. Fear of rejection is REAL, you guys.
• He might be timid. Be willing to create space to allow him to pursue.
• He might be still learning how to lead. He’s allowed to be in progress.
• He might be unsure of if you like him. Give him a little nudge. If he doesn’t respond, he might not be ready or interested.

How to Be Part of the Solution

• Pray for mentors in the lives of men to lift them up—"Those are your future husbands.”
• Take responsibility as a woman and fight for the men in your life.
• Instead of complaining and lamenting—pray for him.

Resources

• Keep up with Jamal on Instagram at @jamalmiller and his wife, Natasha, at @natashaannmiller.
• Listen to Natasha Miller’s episode of TRC, “How to Plan for Marriage Not Just a Wedding,” here.
• They share their love story in a YouTube video— check it out here.

I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!

I have been a full-time photographer for over a decade and the digital delivery of client images in 2020 has made things simple, but there is still something really special about handing your client a physical keepsake. That’s where USB Memory Direct comes in. They make USB flash drives customized with your logo, and have over 50 styles to choose from in different shapes and materials. Head over to usbmemorydirect.com,and be sure to use code TRC20 at checkout to take 20% off your first order of custom flash drives.

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

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*Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!*

Andi Andrew is a dear friend of mine and I am glad to finally have her on the podcast! She is a wife, mother of four kiddos, pastor, author, and speaker. She and her husband, Paul, are lead pastors at the Liberty Church in NYC. She also launched She is Free in 2015, a movement that equips women to walk in freedom. Today we’re talking about dream interpretation, a prophetic dream she had in 2016, and we unpack a recurring dream I’ve been struggling to understand.

“As if posting a picture on our social media channels alone solves the massive problems we see all around us. If we could intentionally put our phones down more often and be about our father’s business…we’d see the change + transformation we so eloquently post about on our feeds…I think we can all agree that the last thing a lost and dying world needs is an army of ‘cute entertainers’ who are only interested in saving ourselves while spouting our opinions and putting on a show with an impotent gospel that temporarily fixes our symptoms instead of healing the heart, soul + body.” – Andi Andrew, Fake or Follower

A Prophetic Dream

• Andi had a dream back in the election season in 2016… a tumultuous time.
• She was walking down the street with her children. There was an angel on her shoulder. She noticed people taking selfies in front of piles of dead bodies along the road.
• Andi felt no fear in the dream and her angel told her to walk into the destruction.
• “God, is this a nightmare? Do I need to be praying for our city?” The Lord told her that no, it was the state of the church.
• God was telling her that the church needs its foundation to be rebuilt and that it will take longer than we want it to, but it will happen.
• “In this season, God is really stripping the layers back of the church and of our lives so that we can hopefully wake up and pay attention.”

• It’s time to go back to the simplicity of the gospel. Get rid of the bells and whistles and focus on devotion to God, each other, prayer, unity, and community.

   **4 Different Types of Dreams**
  

• Soul Dream

• This is your brain processing the day. If you watched a certain show or listened to a certain song that day, it could be weaved into the dream.

• Demonic Dream (night terror/nightmare)

• These are not from God.

• The enemy is showing you his hand— use this to pray specifically to God.

• Prophetic Dream

• They could be personal, for others, or for a collective of people.

• Discernment: when and where to share, or are you just supposed to pray for others during this time?

• Personal Discipleship Dream

• If there’s something that you haven’t dealt with from your past, it could keep coming to you in your dreams.

Common Dream Symbols

• Numbers and colors are important. If you remember small details of your dreams, write them down!
• Different types of buildings and vehicles have different meanings: towers, open fields, scary forests, cars, airplanes, motorcycles.

• “The word of God, the Holy Spirit, is going to be your greatest teacher.”

   **How to Interpret Your Dream**
  

• Stay in the word of God— read it all the time.

• You need to be able to discern if your dream is from you, from God, or from the enemy.
• Pray! “Holy Spirit, does this have a meaning?”
• Write down the details of your dreams first thing in the morning.
• If you’re receiving a prophetic message for another person, “Ask God: Am I meant to share this or am I just meant to pray for this person?” and always approach the person with humility.

Resources

• Keep up with Andi at AndiAndrew.com and on Instagram at @andiandrew.
• Read more about Andi’s prophetic dream on this IG post.
• Andi has an IGTV Dream Series— you can watch part one here.
• Here’s where you can buy her books, Fake or Follower and She is Free.
• Check out her podcast, Coffee with Andi, here!
• Read The Divinity Code: To Understand Your Dreams and Visions. **Be careful which books you read and make sure they are Biblically based books.

I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you couldfinancially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

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“She kept going until she looked good on paper, but it never made her feel more real.”

-Mary Marantz

How human is it to want something, try and fit the bill, and then finally fit the bill and feel like you’re suffocating? Mary Marantz and I talk all about this on the podcast this week. She grew up in a single-wide trailer, then went on to go to Yale Law School. She recently shared her story in her book Dirt that just came out this month. It’s a story that reminds you that you never really know a person.

Dirty Beginnings

• She shares how looking back on such small beginnings, it’s easy to romanticize it in hindsight or from the outside looking in. But when you’re in it, it’s anything but.
• God said to her, “This is muddy and it’s hard and it’s not what you wished for and you wished you had someone else’s story, but I’m not done writing.”
• When she was little, the thing she wanted the most was a real house with a real roof. She imagined a blueprint of a home trying to redraw itself to be perfect.
• “She kept going until she looked good on paper, but it never made her feel more real.”

Chasing the Shiny Fairytale

• A large part of her always wanted to go to law school, but sometimes we chase things so grand like law school just to feel like we’ve redeemed our small beginnings.
• At the start, she was hoping to go to a more local law school, but in a movie-like scenario, her friend submitted her application to Yale and she got in.
• Later on, she decided to start a photography business with her husband (she met him online, y’all!!!) They took big risks in business— she never wants to live a life that is safe.

Carrying Your Past + Honoring Your Dirt

• “Is it something heavy you’re carrying? Is it a burden? Or is it some precious thing you’re carrying carefully?... For me, it’s the second one.”
• “I would no more try to run away from the dust in my life that represents the creation of God than I would try to run away from the mud in my story that represents the genesis of my story.”
• Look at your dirt and see the power of where you come from instead of the shame.
• “There’s no amount of running where you can outrun you.”

Resources

• Keep up with Mary at MaryMarantz.comand on IG at @marymarantz.
• If you want to hear more of Mary’s story, you can buy her new book, Dirt, at thebookdirt.com/refined(plus you’ll get some fun goodies!)

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips*to check it out!*

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby.Did you know you couldfinancially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!**

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Is it ok if I don’t know ‘who’ I am…we all want to be somebody.

But what is a somebody?

—Jedidiah Jenkins

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

This week, I’m chatting with travel writer, public speaker, and my good friend Jedidiah Jenkins. A few years ago, Jed made the decision to leave his job to pursue his dream: bike to Patagonia and write a book about it. And he did it. The book, To Shake the Sleeping Self, made the NYT Best Sellers List. Multiple times! Fun fact: we used to be roommates, so we share some fun stories from the good old days. We also chat about people-pleasing tendencies, learning to be your truest self, what our biggest fears can teach us, and why it’s important to name our traumas.

“When you start to step towards what feels true, you might ruffle feathers, but what you’ll find is people that look up and go ‘Oh my God, me too.’”

Being Gay in the Church

• Jed was raised Christian, realized he was gay and was told it was bad.
• “It’s a horrible thing to wake up into a consciousness as a child and realize that something innately inside you, everyone if they found out would reject you… That is a horrible darkness.”
• This led him to try and be perfect. “If I’m not inherently good, then I must earn it.”
• When he got to be 30 years old, he decided to really live his life, despite his biggest fear of be

• Jed opens up about the complicated relationship he has with his mother throughout his journey of becoming who he really is.

  When Your Biggest Fears Become Your Reality

• I open up about when my biggest fear became a reality: my dad having a drug relapse—and found instead of destroying me; it became one of the biggest access points for growth in my life.

• “Being tested is the revelation of who you are, so I wouldn’t trade that for the world.”— Jed
• Jed’s worst fear was rejection by everyone, and the opposite happened. “I’m lucky because I have a mother who loves first and is righteous second.”

If you don’t heal your past; it will haunt you.

• 3 Practical things to do to begin walking towards freedom from trauma:

• Identify + speak your trauma out loud in safe spaces.

• Only then can you start to see how even the darkest moments have led you to who and where you are today.

• Release it—if we don’t heal our past; it will haunt us.

• Jed shares a quote from Onsite, a trauma workshop experience based in Nashville: “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” Even if we’re not aware of the trauma, our bodies and subconscious are.

• Growth doesn’t mean that the struggle isn’t there anymore. It means you now have the tools to handle the struggle when it pops up.
• “Walk in the direction of what feels right. If it’s not right, it will tell you.”

Resources

• Keep up with Jedidiah at JedidiahJenkins.com and on IG at @jedidiahjenkins.
• You can buy his book, Like Streams to the Ocean, here.
• You can buy his book, To Shake the Sleeping Self, here.
• Check out my IGTV response to purity culture here.
• Check out Onsite, the therapist community in Nashville, here.
• You can buy the book we talk about, The Body Keeps the Score, here.
• Get updates for my book, Sexless in the City, here.

As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool.Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.

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On this special bonus episode, I’m sharing part two of my conversation with Addison Bevere. If you missed part one, listen here for our chat about first dates, vulnerability, and 3 practical ways to know if he’s ‘the one.’ This episode, we’re diving into a conversation about his book he just released called Saints: Becoming More Than "Christians." We explore the current climate of the Western Evangelical church. We’re in a mass exodus right now and to be completely real with you, there are times I’m embarrassed to be associated with Christian culture.

What it Means to Be Saints

• The word “Christian” is only used three times in Scripture. The word “Saints” is used over 60 times.
• “Saints aren’t people who remove themselves from the struggles of our world, Saints are people who plunge into the messiness of this world. We are all called to be Saints.”
• We discuss how so much of the Western Evangelical church has ignored the Black Lives Matter movement.
• “We’re a family and a family isn’t whole and completely represented until every single person is at that table.”
• The early church (the Saints) took Jesus’ words seriously and shared a Gospel that disrupted the status quo and turned the world upside down. It was a message worth trading their lives for. Can we say the same about today’s “Gospel”?

What Does it Means to Be a Christian

• We’re living a post-Christian world, aka they’re moving on to secularism or DIY spirituality. What does this mean for Christians?
• “People have reduced the Gospel to a transactional idea.”
• A sin is a violation of relationships, and Jesus came to restore relationships.
• “That’s where the kingdom advances… at the intersection of relationship.”
• The church is full of extremes. Some people think being saved is both the starting line and the finish line. However, other people make the finish line so far away that nobody can reach it.

Getting Back to the Heart of God

• Is it possible to recover from feelings of embarrassment with the Christian culture?
• Addison shares that he no longer calls himself a Christian. Instead, he says he is a follower of Christ because he doesn’t like the baggage of identifying as a Christian.
• “We have to be willing to use new language.”
• “Saints” is never mentioned in the singular. That’s because it’s about the “we.”

Resources

• Keep up with Addison’s work at SonsAndDaughters.tvas well as MessengerInternational.org and AddisonBevere.com.
• Follow Addison on Instagram at @addisonbevere.
• You can buy Addison’s book, Saints: Becoming More Than “Christians,”here.
• Listen to part one of this conversation with Addison here.
• Listen to TRC episode 98 “Why Black Lives Matter” here.

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

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Addison Bevere is the COO of the non-profit Messenger International and co-founder of Sons and Daughters TV. He also recently became a published author— he just wrote Saints: Becoming More Than “Christians.” We talked for SO long and about so many things that I decided to share this episode in two parts, so you’ll be getting a special bonus episode this week! In this episode, we talk all about love, dating, and relationships. He shares the story of how he got married young and had children right away, plus he gives practical tips to know if you’ve found the one.

“There’s joy and meaning and opportunity to be found in every season.”

How to Practice Vulnerability in Dating

1. Clarity

o “Clarity is a relationship’s best friend in every stage.”

1. Remove the Pressure

o Release the first date pressure of “Are they the one?” Instead, ask yourself “Did I enjoy my time?” and “Do I want to spend more time with them?”

1. Chill out!

o “We’re trying to answer questions we shouldn’t even be asking yet.”

Dating Real talk from a Dude:

• Addison shares that for the most part, men can be oblivious to when girls are flirting and sometimes they’re just terrified of making a move.
• “Wisdom transcends nuance, so when we seek to have a heart of wisdom, then we realize that God doesn’t deal in transactions, He deals in relationships.”
• If you find yourself concerned about their spiritual journey, think more about if you’re on the same path rather than if you’re at the same point on the journey.

“God is the only one who gets to exist in the past, the present and the future. We get to live in the present.”

3 Ways to Know if They’re ‘The One’

1. Peace

   • Philippians 4: It’s a peace that transcends all understanding.
   • Colossians 3:14-15: Peace is like an umpire.
2. • I share a personal story of a time I almost got engaged and how I look back on that time and recognize I did not have peace in that relationship.

3. Sacrifice

   • It’s important to ask yourself “Am I willing to lay down my life, in the context of marriage, for the rest of my life for this person?”
4. • People frequently think about their relationship by evaluating the other person.
   • We all evolve in different seasons of life. We will always be navigating new strengths and weaknesses.

5. Growth

   • Does being with this person acknoweldge and encourage who you are today while inspiring you to be more? Both have to be true.
6. • “Open your eyes to the you that Christ sees.”

Resources

• Keep up with Addison’s work at SonsAndDaughters.tv as well as MessengerInternational.org and AddisonBevere.com.
• Follow Addison on Instagram at @addisonbevere.
• You can buy Addison’s book, Saints: Becoming More Than “Christians,” here.
• You can buy Lisa Bevere’s book Lioness Arising, here.
• Check out Addison’s IGTV “Why God Won’t Give You Clarity” here.
• Get access to the conference Addison and I both spoke at here.

As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.**

I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!**

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“In the midst of chaos, there’s always a place where peace resides.

We just have to find our way to it”.

— Toni Collier

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

I have the pleasure of talking to Toni Collier this week. She is a speaker, host, consultant, and the founder of a women’s ministry called Broken Crayons Still Color. She helps women process brokenness and move towards hope. (I spoke to her husband Sam Collier a few weeks ago on the podcast— you can listen here.) We had a wonderful conversation all about her process of healing from traumas, our daddy issues (shoutout to Beyonce), and how she moved from divorce to healing and love.

“Our childhood wounds become the hurdles of our adulthood.”

4 Big Hitters to Overcoming Heartbreak

1. Self-awareness

2. • Be honest and confront yourself.
   • Too often, we just survive through traumas. We need to understand that those traumas are not okay and heal from them. We also need to realize that healing isn’t overnight.

3. Lean in and do the work:

4. • what’s the bottom of your pit?
   • Because of the pain she endured in childhood, she found herself in situations that caused further trauma and pain.
   • “I turned into this extremely hurt, abused, bitter woman and it was leaking everywhere because our pain can just not stay silent.”
   • Beth Moorewas instrumental in Toni’s healing journey.

5. Go to the root of the trauma.

6. • Toni shares the success she had with EMDR and what it does to treat trauma.

7. If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.

8. • Unhealed trauma manifests in the present.
   • “Until we look ourselves in the eyes and become the healthy whole individuals that we want to date and marry, we’re going to perpetuate a cycle of single people roaming the earth.”

5 Quick Heartbreak Hacks

1. Unfollow + Block on social. If you think you’ll be tempted to search them, block them!
2. Community: invite trusted people into the process with you.
3. What brings you joy?
4. Self-Care
5. Back to the basics:

o Eat well

o Sleep well.

o Move your body.

Replenishment Cycle

• The key here is to have a reserve of health that you can pull on.
• Ask yourself, ‘What brings my soul, emotions, and spirit joy?’

o Quiet time // Check out my 7-day devotional

o Meditation // Check out my 30-day Bible study and meditation guide

o Get in nature

o Take care of yourself: nails, hair, get dressed. “The souls God gave us are inside of the bodies he gave us. We get to take care of them too.”

o Working out

• Set up consistency within your replenishment cycle. Commit to the healing process.
• Now allowed: a text message from someone. “They cannot fill you up.”

Resources

• Keep up with Toni on Instagram at @tonijcollier.
• Check out her work with Broken Crayons Still Color at BrknCrayons.comand @brkncrayons on IG.
• The Hopeful Woman Collectiveis a private Facebook Group and a space for women to be hopeful that you can join.
• The Hopeful Woman Courseis available here.
• You can buy Beth Moore’s book, So Long, Insecurity, here.
• Keep an eye out for Toni’s 5-Day Broken But Hopeful Challenge starting in September!
• Listen to Toni’s husband, Sam, on The Refined Collective Podcast here.
• Because I know it’s probably stuck in your head, here’s Daddy Lessons by Beyoncé.
• Onsite Workshops in Nashville is another great resource if you want an in-person deep dive into trauma therapy.https://www.onsiteworkshops.com

As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.**

I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!**

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Today is a big day, friends, because I’m chatting with Jamie Ivey! A few years ago Jamie had me on her podcast The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey. AND it was the first time I ever opened up about my faith and singleness. It was astonishing to hear the response to that conversation and it is part of the reason I am writing a book. Today, we chat about her book, You Be You, understanding our callings, how the church worships marriage, and how to maintain healthy boundaries in friendships.

Does being single in the church feel like being JV to the Varsity of married couples ?

Worshipping Marriage

1. We talk about how some people feel their biggest calling is being a wife or a mother and the ways it can be a problematic feeling:
2. The 3 Marriage Myths:
3. Marriage will solve your problems, and fix you. i.e. eating disorder, body image, addiction, etc.
4. Marriage makes you more godly.
5. Marriage will jumpstart your purpose and calling.
6. “This is on us as the church to quit proclaiming marriage as God’s greatest gift to us. It is a good gift, but I am not any more special than you because I’m married.”

Can Men and Women Be Friends? (Ya we went there…again).

• We chat about how if you shut yourself off from any male friendships, you’re missing out on getting to know so many people.
• Jamie talks about the boundaries she and her husband stick to when it comes to guarding their marriage.

• 1 thing to keep in mind in guy/girl friendships: COMMUNICATION. If you’re developing feelings for a guy friend… SAY IT!

Knowing Your Calling

• Sometimes we can feel so paralyzed when trying to identify our calling, but we tend to overcomplicate things.
• 3 Questions to ask yourself to figure out your calling (brought to you by: Tim Keller) to Know Your Calling:

o Affinity

o Ability

o Opportunity (check the full article here)

• “God has equipped you to do something great.”

Resources

• Keep up with Jamie at JamieIvey.com and on IG at @jamieivey.
• You can buy Jamie’s book You Be You here. Text FRIEND to 33777 and Jamie will send you a free downloadable print and talk to you about her book!
• You can listen to her podcast The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey here.
• Listen to my conversation with Jamie Ivey on The Happy Hour Podcast here.
• Watch Jamie’s family chat with Emmanuel Acho about being white parents raising Black children here.
• Check out Tim Keller’s Calling Exercise PDF here.