The Relationship Cleanse Podcast: Recent Episodes

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Why do we struggle to communicate some of our simplest desires, ideas and needs to the people who know us best? Today we are going to talk about what’s at the core of all bad couple communication. Communication is a big complicated topic and today we’ll try to simply it.

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Welcome to the Relationship Cleanse podcast. The relationship advice podcast that gives you practical help free your relationship of anger, resentment and frustration, together we will breakdown a big relationship problem into its little actionable steps so that you can make better choices around love and partnership. Thanks for listening. I'm George Streeter, your host and facilitator for the At Home Couples Retreat. hen you feel frustrated, resentful and like your relationship is going nowhere that's exactly when it is a good time to take an At Home Couples Retreat. At Home Couples Retreat can help you rekindle love and clear anger and resentment. It's simple, it's easy, and it works. You can sign up at www.athomecouplesretreat.com Let's get on to today's episode.

01:05

Today's episode is What To Do When You've Lost Compatibility With Your Partner. Now I did an episode on this or something similar to this in episode #2. But that was about emotional shut down. In today's episode, we're talking about the loss of compatibility when you still feel very strong attachments to your partner. What do you do when you're no longer compatible? Stay tuned.

It's scary when the partner you love and thought you knew starts thinking, talking and acting in ways. That seem foreign to you.

04:36

You wake up one day and you don't understand them anymore. You start to doubt if you really knew them at all. You question the entire basis of your love as you watch them react differently to things you felt were settled in your relationship and you start to feel suspicious. You notice you don't trust them as much. You show resistance toward their new behaviors in their new ideas. They show frustration towards your resistance. Do they still value us, that is the relationship you ask yourself? You wonder who's influencing them and does that influencer have my best interest at heart ?

05:29

I was in my first marriage for 18 years. And I often said 16 of those years were very, very good, but the more I reflect on my first marriage and my contribution to its end, I can see where my ex wife and I ignored some important red flags in our marriage. One big red flag we ignored was my personal shift in needs, values and desires. I had a burning desire to build a marriage and family therapy practice with my ex wife. I envisioned us learning, experimenting and growing in our own relationship, then helping other couples do the same. The only problem was I had a successful career in football and she was a committed stay at home mom. When I imagined us having our own marriage and family therapy practice, I pictured us having meaningful couple time as we worked together, involved in work that we loved and that really mattered to us. I was passionate about relationships before I became a relationship coach. And, my ex? Well, she eventually became a therapist after our divorce. Something I had encouraged her to do while we were married.

I thought with her training and my passion we were a perfect fit to start.

07:13

I thought with her training in my passion we would have the perfect platform to help people. I also felt it was the perfect way to stop traveling. And to have a more family centered life instead of a football centered life.

07:36

But even as I speak about it today, my desire back then was so precious to me that it was hard for me to communicate it well. When I did bring it up, the children, my career, the mortgage they always seem to be the excuse to stay in my current field. My ex would say "George, you don't have the temperament to be a therapist". And then I would try to change myself and try to make myself over to win her approval. I was trying to win her approval to follow my dreams, and the reason I was trying to win her approval to follow my dreams is because I was too afraid to follow my dreams on my own.

08:31 Overtime I started to feel real resentment at things I felt in my life was holding me back.

I resented the house so we sold it. I resented home schooling so we put the kids into high school. That was a great decision by the way. I was in at my job so eventually I left it. At the time I was just angry and operating from anger and looking back on it now. What I was doing was I was trying to clear a path to get to where I am right now. Eventually I became resentful of the voice of my partner telling me I couldn't do it. I set up the conditions to leave my marriage.

09:24

My ex and I don't communicate now. The way I handled my growing resentment, and being in approval of my own desires, is something that I regret. I didn't do it cleanly. I didn't do it the right way. What I needed was help to clear my resentments and get back into a loving relationship with my then wife. And to address my desires from a constructive in not a destructive place. We went to a therapist. I felt like the therapist didn't understand me. I felt like my wife didn't understand me. Of course she didn't, I couldn't even speak my desires clearly, so how could she understand that we needed to embrace a new way of being with each other. But instead of embracing change, we tried to hang on to the status quo.

10:48

Now there are lots of status quos in relationship.

10:54

There's so many of them that I don't even want to try to label or give examples of them. But here's what I want to tell you. The way to find your status quo is to think about some of the initial Impressions and perceptions you had about your partner, before you became their partner.

Now for my ex wife one her status quos was that I was this, taciturn rugged football player who ignored his own pain and the pain of others, so how could I embrace the pain of a client as a therapist.

11:58

She saw me in my career in the NFL and rightfully wondered how was I going to get from point A to point B, points that were part of our status quo. You have your own status quo in your relationship.

12:17

A point A that you can break free of from your partner. Or point A. That you have your partner stuck in.

The thing is, we don't want to change the status quo because to change the status quo means we are changing our compatibility. We want to know or feel like our partner is always a certain way. Even though in our mind we know that this can't be possible or true. Now there's a good reason for this change, incompatibility or growth. feels like your relationship is dying.

13:04

It's natural to fear change. Even the partner who says they want something different worries that they can't make positive change happen. And so they wonder if it's even worth it to bother. I know I felt that way. When I wanted to change my career, my response to my own desire was to get the approval of my wife first. Her response to my dream was to keep showing and feeding me reasons why my dream wouldn't work. We wanted to cling to the status quo because we feared that moving forward would tear us apart. The reality was that the old relationship we had was dying and instead of burning it down and letting something new spring up from the ashes, we kept trying to go back to the way things were. And before we knew it, we woke up in different worlds. Instead of change being an instrument for making things new, It was the instrument of our death.

The reality for all of us floating around on this sparkling blue marble in space is that we don't know what the future holds.

14:39

We have no idea whether tomorrow., the day after or the next day is our last.

14:53

But we can be certain of one thing, and especially in relationship, that if we cling to the status quo, we won't be able to adapt. We won't be able to adapt to the changing needs of our life or of our relationships. And just like me, one day you'll wake up and find that your partner is a stranger and that you no longer know one another.

To remain compatible. To remain in loving resonance with one another, you have to risk stepping into the unknown with your partner and be willing to create something new.

15:47

The question is, can we see a change in value and a change in desire as an indication that it's time for the relationship to grow? Can we accept and love a partner who wants things that are different than we expected to have in our lives for ourselves? Can we learn to work together to create something new together? And push past fear. And find a new way to appreciate in love a changing partner.

Working through a relationship that's lost its compatibility is about learning to accommodate your new needs and values. It's the safest way to bridge what I call the compatibility gap? When your partner's values change, it affects the entire relationship. The key to loving for a lifetime is being able to navigate these changes together. If you hold on to the way things were, you risk creating circumstances where your partner's growth has to occur outside of your relationship. So the first thing to remember when your partner's values shift, is to shift how you relate to them.

Your partner is changing. They may change their political views, their eating habits, or their mindset. It also means that their thoughts and behaviors will change to match their new value system. So be open to your partner's new point of view. This doesn't mean you have to like or endorse their perspectives. For example, if your partner reads a book about alligators and wants to own one or two as a pet. You get a say about how that affects your world. What I'm saying is, be open to investigate how to make your partners new ways of being fit into your life together.

18:35

The most secure way to help your partner grow and maintain your closeness is to understand your partner's emotional world.

What I want you to try is emotional empathy. I'm not talking about sympathy. Sympathy implies that something is wrong and you need to feel sorry for your partner. And the real reality is that nothing is wrong. Emotional empathy means putting yourself in the same feeling state as your partner. It means being able to understand and relate to the feelings of frustration, confusion, or stuckness that your partner is experiencing, In the current situation, as their values shift. And it means understanding their excitement and desire to move onto a new path and embrace the unknown tha is calling to them.

Now to be successful at emotional empathy, you can't make your partner's frustration about you. It's not, it's about them, and part of their frustration is creating the separation they need to feel themselves.

20:11

Your partner needs space to feel himself or herself. So that they can be in closer understanding or contact with their new values. So let me share some ways in which you can help, create space, so that you can emotionally empathize with your partner.

One idea is don't ask questions that suggest you doubt that they love you. That's the last thing you want to implant into the mind of a partner looking for their own truth. Engage your partner to get deeper answers around the messages they are already sending to you. For example, when they say for the 100th time," I'm so tired of my job", follow up with "Tell me how your job makes you tired." Or "What does tired of your job feel like for you?" If they say we need to change our life, ask "What changes would feel good to you?" If they say we need to think about being a mother or father?" Then ask "what does having a child make them feel?" The key is for you to make the focus of your questions about your partners feelings and not about yours.

By taking the focus off of yourself, you give you and your partner a chance to sync up. And by asking feeling questions, you get a better understanding of your partner's emotional state of mind and you create a bond.

You become part of their solution. A help to create a way out of their crisis of value.

22:20

The second thing is to let go of the old relationship. I don't mean saying goodbye to your partner, I mean saying goodbye to any attachments you had to the way things were, or who you thought they were. You and your partner live in a loving orbit with one another. If one partner shifts their orbit, then it changes the gravity between you. A shift can produce fear and tension, and it requires a change in the assumptions you have about the relationship and about the person you're in relationship with. It's natural to cling to what you know and fear what you don't know. For better or for worse, the old relationship feels safe and comfortable. But if you cling to the past, you're saying to your partner "I don't want you to grow". And worse, you're saying "The old version of you is good enough for me.". The problem is that your partner is signaling that the old version is no longer suitable to them. So you need to let go of the old relationship. Let go of your old ideas about your partner and lean into creating something new on a deeper level with your partner.

Have you ever noticed how fear and excitement can feel? Both can make your palms sweat, your heart rate go up, and the hair stand up on the back of your neck. But one thing excitement does, that feared does not, is excitement is expensive. So try to be curious and excited about what your love will evolve into. Don't say to your partner things "Like you always liked this before, why isn't it good enough now?" When your partner tells you that they don't want coffee anymore, or whatever it is they tell you they don't want. Limiting phrases like "you always" or "you never" , they only signal your attachment to their past.

When your partner is undergoing a change in their value system, show that you are on their side by being excited and curious about who they want to become.

24:52

Ask questions like "What do you desire for us going forward?" Or "What's important to you now?"

25:05

If they say they don't want to take the dogs to the dog park like you do every week, ask. "Well what fits into your new priorities for the dog?"

25:19

Create some space by letting go.

25:26

Now, the reality of this is that sometimes it means grieving what has been lost. And this is OK. And sometimes it's necessary.

The final step is to become a witness, I suggest you become a witness, instead of just listening. Here's why, sometimes when we listen we make silent judgments about what we here. I know I do. If my wife says "I didn't look at your blog because my mom called and then it had some emails to look at", I can get into my own head and stop listening once I hear "I didn't look at your blog".

And if I'm not conscious, I can wake up listening to my own mind complain that she always comes up with some reason why she doesn't listen to my blog or she never supports me. You get the picture right? So I don't want you to listen. I want you to witness. Also, when we listen, we are listening for what's important to us. And we may not notice what's important to the speaker. If I say "I am certain I can make this work, but I'm not certain how to do it just yet". You might clue into my certainty about my ability, or my doubt about how to do it, depending on how you feel about me as a person on that day. The point is, when we listen, we bring our biases into whatever we hear. Now witnessing someone is completely different. When you are a witness, you take in all of the facts and evidence before you make a judgment. You reserve judgment until you understand all the facts. In other words, you don't make someone guilty of hurting your feelings or disappointing you, until you know everything. So try being a witness to a partner who's having a change in values?

Finally, be empathetic with yourself, your world is shifting too. Remember you and your partner live in a loving orbit with one another. This means you will want to try self empathy. If your partner develops a "save for the future" attitude, then may feel any hopes of that Caribbean vacation. You always want it being put on hold. Self empathy in this situation means that as you feel your own unmet desires and expectations for Caribbean vacation. Slip away with uncertainty because of the shift in your partners. Saving habits.

Don't over react to these feelings. Don't make them wrong or right yet. Try being a witness to yourself and give yourself the same emotional empathy you give to your partner. Giving yourself empathy may mean taking a closer look at your own desires and values. And as you adjust, to the new orbit created by your partner, you may find that your values shift as well.

In summary, change is scary, but change happens, so try not to make your partners new values about you. Empathy will go a long way and it cuts both ways. Be empathetic with yourself as well as your partner. Ask your partner "feeling" questions to get a deeper understanding of your partners new desires. Understanding will help you bridge any compatibility gap in your relationship. Let go of the way things were and be curious about the new possibilities for your relationship. And lastly, remember to witness your partner getting all the facts before you make a judgment. I hope these tips help you with any loss of relationship compatibility. And also understand that this loss of compatibility is natural. It has to occur if you are to grow.

Well this has been another great episode of the Relationship Cleanse Podcast. Thanks for listening. And as always, I want to know what you think. How was this episode for you? What value shift would be a real challenge for you?

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What shift in your partners values would be hard for you to take? Let me know. Email me. As always, you can get in contact with me at www.homecouplesretreat.com.

31:17

Just email me right through the website. And I'll respond as soon as I can.

31:26

Again, thanks for listening and we'll see you next time on the Relationship Cleanse Podcast.

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Welcome to the Relationship Cleanse Podcast, the relationship advice podcast that gives you practical help free your relationship of anger, resentment and frustration. Together will breakdown a big relationship problem into its little actionable steps so that you can make better choices around love and partnership. Thanks for listening, I'm George Streeter are your host and facilitator for the At Home Couples Retreat. When you feel frustrated and resentful, like your relationship is going nowhere that's exactly when it's a good time to take an At Home Couples Retreat. At Home Couples Retreat can help you rekindle love and Clear Anger and resentment. It's simple. It's easy and it works, you can sign up at www.athomecouplesretreat.com. Let's get on to today's episode.

Hi there, welcome again to another episode of the Relationship Cleanse Podcast. I'm your host George Streeter at today's topic, today's episode is a good one, if you've ever lived with anyone, been married, been a partner or shared a place together, then you will understand exactly what we're talking about. Today's episode is how to keep it together when domestic duties tear you apart. Stay tuned.

01:47

Today, when we find ourselves. Living in a world with such inequality that still exist. Even in 2020. Especially in this area around domestic duties. The domestic split between man and woman. In in household

Let me ask you a few questions. Do you find yourself taking on more than your share when it comes to cleaning the house or taking care of the little ones? Is doing more than your share of domestic duties making you feel a little resentful? A little like a martyr? And are you sacrificing your needs just to keep and maintain the home? If you're feeling resentful around the equality in your domestic life, what impact does that resentment have in other areas of your relationship, like intimacy and communication? In this episode we're going to tackle these questions and answer how to keep it together when domestic duties tear you apart.

03:12

I think we might all agree that relationships thrive when there's equality, each partner contributing equally. When you find yourself sacrificing your needs to keep the house running, sooner or later, you'll find yourself feeling down right angry.

03:34

But what's the alternative? How do you strike a balance? On the other hand, if you skip the dishes to watch YouTube cat videos, your behavior could be a source of resentment to your partner.

So how do you keep it together when you have pressure on both ends. A pressure to keep up, to maintain a loving an clean home and to keep your own sanity, or in some cases to spend quality time with your partner.

04:25

It's a problem and people struggle.

04:33

I have to confess balancing domestic duties with my individual needs and the needs of my partner is not a yesteryear problem for me. My current wife and I both work, and we have a young child. With a 2 year old there are duties that must be done, like bathing feeding and cleaning up behind a little person, who thinks the floor is a great place for the food she doesn't want to eat.

And there are several other household duties that must be done or the household just doesn't function. It's hard to draw fast and hard rules around who does what when. Work and chores can get in the way of individual, or relationship, or family needs. When time and energy become scarce, patience and kindness can go right out the window. I often do the cooking and she often cleans the dishes, because that's the way our work schedules workout. I'm a pretty neat cook. I like washing my bowls and utensils as I clean, but for whatever benefit I create by washing the dishes as I go, I negate it by being extremely messy at the stove. I drop food and seasoning everywhere and the heated food is baked onto the stove top. It's a mess. And it's her mess to clean up after me. Sorry dear. Then she prepares our daughters meals for the next day, which means more cooking and more cleaning for her. That's because I'm busy giving our daughter a bath. Then we share putting her to bed. Some days when I'm giving the bath my wife likes to take some 'me time' in front of the computer. Her favorite pastime is looking at celebrities. When she does this, it pushes cleaning the kitchen and the food prep for the next day into a late time slot.

And what that does, is it pushes me into silent resentment. You see, her 'me time' cut into her chore time, which cut into our couple time. On those nights there goes our movie, there goes our cuddle, there goes our intimacy. And on other nights, when I coach in the evenings, then our weekly amount of couple time is decreased even more?

07:34

Now, i'm not a domestic Angel. There are some things I don't do like mopping. And some things that my wife hates to do, like taking out the trash. So I empty the trash and she mops the floor, but is it fair. What about when we have things that neither of us like to do. In our case, and I don't recommend this, we both just let it pile up hoping the other partner will do it. For example, I don't always notice when the floor needs to be vacuumed... convenient for me huh? And she doesn't always notice when the towels need to be washed. So she waits for me to wash the towels and I wait for her to vacuum the floor. We don't fight about it. We kind of complain as we do it. But this could be a great source of tension in a lot of households. Maybe our situation feels similar to yours.

Many people believe, that if they can get to a fifty-fifty split in domestic chores they will be happy. Maybe you're one of those people. You try everything to get your partner to do more around the house. You bargain. You beg. You bribe. You feel angry. You feel resentment. feel alone. You feel unheard. You feel dis respected and unsupported. And you imagine if only your partner understood, surely they would do more. If they could just feel what you are feeling. If they could just understand how much you put in.

09:30

But you do know, from experience, that begging and bribing doesn't work.

09:39

Have you ever asked your partner to do a chore, then watched them half-ass do it, only for you to go back and angrily do it again? I have.

09:56

The point is that we can't be happy legislating how our partner helps around the house. You've done this already and where has it gotten you? It hasn't gotten me and my wife anywhere either.

So we do something different.

10:25

What if it were possible to organize your domestic chores, so that your home functions and runs well and your individual needs, your relationship needs, and your family needs are all met and taking care of too? What if you could have chore conversations that leave you feeling more like a team and less like competitors, afraid of being screwed over by the other person.

10:58

And what if having needed me time, didn't mean that you were sacrificing the family or the relationship? How would that change your life? Imagine it.

11:20

So this is advice I follow in my own relationship and when we don't use it, when we fall away from this advice no one, not me, not my wife; seems to get what we really want and need in the long run.

11:43

So the first thing I want you to do when you think about domestic duties, the first thing I want you to do, is get rid of any rules you have around chores. If you have rules that govern how your household work is done, I want you to get rid of it.

If there's a rule about who does what ,when, drop it. Domestic rules can lead to real relationship tensions. Rules, feel like laws, and when any law feels unjust our human tendency is to revolt against the law. On the other hand, if you created the law, then you have a lot of incentive, to make sure that your laws and your rules, are being followed to the T.

12:42

So my first key to keeping it together when domestic duties are tearing you apart is to drop any current rules you have around chores. This may be frightening for people who like law and order and it may feel liberating to those of you who don't.

13:02

You may be thinking, "if we have no rules how will we agree on taking care of the house?" The answer lies in your question.

13:16

What I want you to do is to work out an agreement for taking care of chores. An agreement doesn't feel like a law, it feels like teamwork.

13:31

Also, the real important trick here is that agreements, unlike rules. Can be changed and modified. Rules feel less flexible.

13:46

Now the spirit of this is extremely important for your success.

13:56

What type of agreements do I recommend you make? I suggest you agree first on the amount of "me time", "relationship time", and family time" you need per week. That's where you start.

Make the amount of time you and your partner agree on sacred. That means, don't sacrifice the weekly amount of time for anything. But be extremely flexible about the day-to-day time you take for "me time", "relationship time" an "family time". For example, suppose you decide you need ten hours of relationship time per week, that is one hour and forty minutes per day. What if you have a late meeting on a Monday and you have an overnight trip on a Wednesday, and you won't be back until late on Thursday? Then what I would like you to do is to adjust relationship time for that week to two hours and thirty minutes per day on Tuesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

15:07

So what's the point here? Is't not to confuse you with math? The point is no matter how your week goes, make sure you have ten hours of relationship time at the end of the week, no matter what. Get the picture? Let's say you want "me time" for three hours and thirty minutes per week, that equates to thirty minutes per day. What if you want twenty hours of family time? It can look like one hour per day, Monday through Friday and seven and a half hours on both Saturday and Sunday. That would equal twenty hours of family time.

Make the amount of time you and your partner agree on sacred. That means, don't sacrifice the weekly amount of time for anything. But be extremely flexible about the day-to-day time you take for "me time", "relationship time" an "family time". For example, suppose you decide you need ten hours of relationship time per week, that is one hour and forty minutes per day. What if you have a late meeting on a Monday and you have an overnight trip on a Wednesday, and you won't be back until late on Thursday? Then what I would like you to do is to adjust relationship time for that week to two hours and thirty minutes per day on Tuesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

15:07

So what's the point here? Is't not to confuse you with math? The point is no matter how your week goes, make sure you have ten hours of relationship time at the end of the week, no matter what. Get the picture? Let's say you want "me time" for three hours and thirty minutes per week, that equates to thirty minutes per day. What if you want twenty hours of family time? It can look like one hour per day, Monday through Friday and seven and a half hours on both Saturday and Sunday. That would equal twenty hours of family time.

You can have complete flexibility to make a schedule that suits you. Just agree on a weekly amount for each category and adjust your daily focus to make sure you reach your weekly time goals. Try to measure your success by how well you meet your commitment for each category. When you have your "me time", "relationship time" and "family time" set an in place, you'll need a method for keeping track.

16:30

Some people keep track with their phones others in their mind. But I recommend you write it down so that everyone can track how you are doing. Now, what if you find out your "me time" isn't satisfying you the way you thought it should? Then I want you to adjust the time and change the way you distribute it during the week. Maybe you need more concentrated time to yourself, or maybe you need to upgrade what you're doing with your "me time". The same will go for achieving quality "relationship time" and quality "family time", adjust the days in the times and the quality of what you do on those days until you feel satisfied. Now do not pass go onto you figure this part out. And once you know how you're going to satisfy your needs around family ,relationships and me time, you can put chores onto the calendar.

17:32

What chores are daily and what chores or not?

We don't have a dishwasher, so dishes are a daily chore in my family. If you have a dishwasher then maybe you wash them every other day. For us picking up toys, preparing lunch, cooking, dishes and vacuuming are daily chores. Now don't assign anyone a chore. I want you to ask for volunteers. If you have older kids get them involved too. It's much more satisfying to know you are doing something you chose than doing something you were forced to do. If someone gets stuck with something they don't like, like cleaning the toilets, then rotate that chore, making it someone else's chore responsibility from time to time.

18:27

Now, what do you do if you have a time crunch? And what I mean by a time crunch is when life gets in the way of your perfect plan, and it will.

18:38

So here are my principles for prioritizing your needs, but you can make your own up. Your kids team makes the soccer playoffs and now you have 5 more games in the soccer season... "Hooray!". When life makes time scarce that week, then choose to prioritize "me time". Remember being in martyr for your loved ones, means you're probably being a pain in the neck to them too. So your "me time" comes first... So that you have the patience to be present with your loved ones.

19:20

I know you may have trouble doing that... Right? Then reduce the amount of "me time", you have per week, until you feel like it's comfortable for you to take it. In a time crunch prioritize "relationship time" after "me time", but before "family time". If you and your partner are not loving and respectful to each other, then family time is just a time where you are teaching poor love strategies to your children. So take time to relate to each other after you take time to relate to yourself.

Finally prioritize family time, and then get to the chores. Most people do this in reverse. They put the chores first, they put the family next, then put the relationship after that, and they put "me time", if they ever get to me time last. But that's the reason why you feel so dissatisfied and that's the reason why you're fighting so hard around chores. I want you to keep your needs at the forefront, starting with you and then working out towards the family and ending with the chores.

20:43

Here's another tip. Try combining chores with relationship time or family time when you have a time crunch. For example, what if you have to cook a cake for a birthday party, right after work. Then try gathering the kids and make this chore into "family time". And in that way you kill two birds with one stone. You could do this with yard work or car cleaning and you can do it with house cleaning. So that's my principle for setting priorities, but you can set them in any way that you agree on with your partner.

21:36

So let me recap. I want you to set and prioritize your weekly amounts of "me time", "relationship time" and "family time". Be flexible about the day and time you have to satisfy each need daily, but don't cheat yourself on the total amount of time that you give yourself each week. Drop your chore rules and ask for volunteers, rotate them weekly as needed, so no one is stuck doing something that they hate all of the time. When you get in a time crunch, try to combine chores with "family time" or "relationship time". Remember "me time" is just that and shouldn't be combined with chores. When time becomes scarce, prioritize me time first, then "relationship time" and after that "family time". If your time is not feeling satisfactory, if you're not getting any real juice, from the time that you're spending either with your family, or in a relationship or alone, then figure out if you need to change the amount of time that you're investing, or change the quality of what you're investing in.

23:01

Do this and you'll find that you are maintaining your household and satisfying your needs in every important area of your life. Doing this will help you feel more satisfied with your life and love. There will be less friction and less tension when things like chores are left undone... and you'll know how to create time to satisfy your needs the next time you have to bake a last minute cake.

Well, that'll do it for another episode of the Relationship Cleanse Podcast. And I gotta tell you, this was no chore for me. I love it, I love being here with you.

23:46

So I've got a question for you, so how would you prioritize your need for "me time", "relationship time" and "family time" as well as chores? Be sure to let me know how this advice worked for you. And as always, I want to thank you for listening and I'll see you next time. Peace.

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Welcome to the Relationship Cleanse Podcast, the relationship advice podcast that gives you practical help free your relationship of anger, resentment and frustration. Together will breakdown a big relationship problem into its little actionable steps so that you can make better choices around love and partnership. Thanks for listening. I'm George Streeter, your host and facilitator for The At Home Couples Retreat. When you feel frustrated and resentful and like your relationship is going nowhere, that's exactly when it's a good time to take an At Home Couples Retreat. At Home Couples Retreat can help you rekindle love and clear Anger and resentment. It's simple. It's easy and it works, you can sign up at www.athomecouplesretreat.com. Let's get going with today's episode.

Today's episode is one of my favourites. It's what to do when you don't feel anything for your partner anymore. Stay tuned.

01:47

Hello and welcome to the Relationship Cleanse Podcast, I'm your host George Streeter. Today we're going to talk about one of my favorite episodes. What to do when you don't have the same feelings for your partner that you want to have. We're going to be talking about what to do when you've lost that loving feeling.

02:15

Now in my practice this is the seminal reason why people seek help. It's because they're not feeling the love and affection that they want to feel in their relationship. And if you've ever felt this way, then you'll want to listen to this podcast, because we're going to delve right into it. What to do when you're not experiencing love for your partner? So. How do you thaw the cold numbness that can occur when your relationship is right at the brink of disaster? You know what I'm talking about. It's that moment when affection, intimacy, closeness... It all evaporates. It's a feeling that somebody snuck into your love castle, turned off all the love juice and left you with a cold memory of past affection. When numbness happens, it's terrible, but you might secretly be thinking "At least we're not fighting". "At least I'm not feeling all of my disappointment." "At least I'm not hurting."

But that's the big question here. That's the important question here, especially if you're a person who's prone to retract or to shut down, to go into numbness...the important question here is: Is it better to have no emotions, then to let yourself feel emotionally hurt? In this episode will discuss what to do when you're emotionally unavailable to your partner. Stay tuned.

04:22

Look, I want to be honest here.

04:27

I'm a 6 foot 3. Ex professional football player.

04:38

But there is one thing that can really shut me down emotionally. And it's hard for me to like admit this, and that is being repeatedly disappointed by my partner. When it happens, I feel like I haven't been heard. I feel like she doesn't care about the things that matter to me, or the things that make me feel secure, that make me feel like I'm not in this world alone. Maybe that's a little harsh, but that's how it feels.

05:20

Maybe for some of you listening your emotional shutdown occurs when you feel afraid, or when you feel rejected.

05:32

That's when you feel like your partner's not really a partner.

05:40

In today's episode we will try to answer the question"Is it healthy for one partner to pull back, so much that they become emotionally unavailable?

I'm an emotional guy, but in my first marriage, I was emotionally unavailable often. When I was younger, I was like most men. I didn't even know I was having a feeling until someone would say, "Hey, are you OK?" And if I was sad, I didn't know it until someone, said "that would make me feel sad. How are you feeling?"It was as if the questioner gave me permission to feel my own feelings and emotions.

06:30

Now part of the reason I couldn't feel my own emotions was because I didn't grow up with an appropriate language to understand them. As a man it was inappropriate to feel certain emotions and so I didn't have a vocabulary for it.

06:48

I often coach men in the same predicament.

06:53

Men who are emotional but who's upbringing and training or profession have drained the emotion right out of them.

07:07

And for me, as a young man, married young, I put a lot of pressure on myself, and my wife to have a good marriage. It was important to me that others see me and my marriage as a happy one. And it was hard for me to accept emotions that I felt were negative. I would discount my own emotions.

07:39

Now there's this fine line between having a positive optimistic attitude and being stubbornly resistant to feeling anything that was sad, anything that was disappointing or anything that hurt.

08:04

There's a fine line and sometimes, for the sake of being positive we cross that line.

08:15

And I would discount my own emotions. I would make my fear into a personal weakness or my sadness into self centeredness. When I was feeling sad I made it into "I'm just too focused on myself." Discounting from my feelings was the way I emotionally shut down.

Now, your emotional shut down my play itself out a little differently in your life than it did in mine. Maybe your shutdown makes you feel less attractive and sexy, and this kills your desire to be intimate or drowns out your sex drive. Maybe your shutdown keeps you repressing your anger, instead of standing up for things that matter to you, that matter to your spirit. You simply ignore what you need and pretend "I really don't need that".

11:33

Maybe you're shut down makes it very hard for you to get in touch with what you truly feel, because you keep drowning your feelings with food or sex drugs and alcohol. Whatever way you choose to emotionally disconnect from love and partnership in your life, you can see from my example that it only causes deep disconnection.

12:15

Now I thought shutting down negative emotions made me a better husband and a better partner,and a better man. I was wrong. For you, maybe it's just easier to deny your feelings. Deny that you feel at all.

12:34

Maybe you want to continue living as an emotional zombie. For some of you, listening you feel justified in being emotionally unavailable to your partner.

12:46

It's like a punishment. If they are not being nice to you, you just disappear emotionally into yourself.

And you may be justified in doing it.

13:05

You may be justified in being emotionally unavailable to your partner. Maybe they hurt you in the most unspeakable way, by breaking the bonds of love and you feel hurt, you feel cheated on. Maybe they deserve it.

13:30

But are you making life better in the long run for yourself by being shut down and being emotionally unavailable?

13:45

Whether you disconnect from your partner emotionally to make them pay or whether you automatically shut down when you fill a lack of love and connection... What you are really doing is using a very poor love strategy to find comfort, belonging and partnership. Poor love strategies, like being emotionally unavailable to yourself and your partner, never work. They don't create loving satisfaction. The only thing they do is make you a little less human. They deprive you of very valuable information. What you're calling negative emotions are just normal emotions. And they provide you with vital information on the status of your emotional life. They tell you whether things are going well or not and help you course correct.

14:52

Being a fully functioning, fully feeling, emotionally viable human being is important. And it may not be a trait that is valued much in society, but it is a trait that is valued in relationships. And if you want to have a healthy, strong relationship then you need to feel everything that is there to feel.

I remember once when I was struggling and I went to my mentor. I was stuck in this numbness, in this sort of fog it may have even been a slight depression.. and I was doing everything I could to stay out of it, to keep my head above water...

16:00

And she said to me, something that I never forgot ,she said"What if the way out is going further in?"

16:13

Going into what you are feeling, instead of turning away from what you are feeling. When I was younger, I didn't want to feel any negative emotions. Natural feelings like fear, discontent, boredom, unattractiveness, sadness and anxiety... I didn't want to face any of them. Maybe you don't want to face betrayal, lack of trust, anger at your partner or deep resentment about the state of your life, or the state of your love.

16:49

Just know the way to love is allowing yourself to feel. What I found is this I can't make any emotions disappear by pretending I don't feel them? I can't make my feelings of rejection go away by shutting down or shutting my partner out. I can't correct what's wrong in my relationship if I ignore it. To find that sweet spot in love and relationship. we have to learn to accept all the feelings and sensations that our life, and our love are giving us.

17:34

That may require a deeper level of self acceptance.

17:41

But it's worth it.

My challenge to you is to allow. Allow what is there to be there, without making it right, wrong, positive or negative. Our emotions are psychological sensations that let us know what we desire, value and need from ourselves and others. So I want to give you a few practical steps you can take to stay connected to your own emotions and connected to your partner.

Try to Sit with what you are feeling. Sometimes the sensation of feeling sad, depressed, bored or anxious is enough to spring us into avoidant action. We want to get out of sadness or boredom as fast as possible, so fast that we slip into panic about our emotional state. This disquiet can cause you to say and do things that you wouldn’t say or do if you were not running away from yourself. So don’t avoid emotions, try sit with them.This can be hard, but it’s worth the effort. Sometimes sitting with your emotions means taking 20 min to yourself sometimes it means 20 hours.

whatever your threshold, give yourself time and ask your partner for time too. Don't just operate in a vacuum, communicate that you're having a feeling and make sure to take your partner off the hook for your emotions, at least until you have set with them for awhile.

20:21

Now it may be about your partner, but it may not be, it may be something deeper than that.

20:29

But let your partner off the hook as you communicate that you need to take some time. You could say something like "I'm having some emotions. I'm not sure what they are. I want you to know these are mine and I want some time to just be with them. I may feel a little sad, or disconnected, but give me some time and space and I'll come back. To our connection with a little more clarity. I love you. And I want you to understand what I'm feeling. Thank you."

Whatever your threshold, give yourself time and ask your partner for time too. Don't just operate in a vacuum, communicate that you're having a feeling and make sure to take your partner off the hook for your emotions, at least until you have set with them for awhile.

20:21

Now it may be about your partner, but it may not be, it may be something deeper than that.

20:29

But let your partner off the hook as you communicate that you need to take some time. You could say something like "I'm having some emotions. I'm not sure what they are. I want you to know these are mine and I want some time to just be with them. I may feel a little sad, or disconnected, but give me some time and space and I'll come back. To our connection with a little more clarity. I love you. And I want you to understand what I'm feeling. Thank you."

21:05

So when you sit with your emotions allow your feelings to speak to you. Try to get in relationship with what you're feeling, literally try to relate to the emotions you are having. If you feel frustrated trying to untangle the mix of emotions of anger, disappointment and stuckness that create the state of frustration, take time to relate to every emotion that makes up the combination of emotions of frustration.

21:38

Now relating to your emotions is not at all the same as rationalizing your emotions. I am not asking you to try to explain why you feel the way you do. I am literally asking you to ask your emotions what do you want me to know? "Sadness, what are you trying to teach me?" "Fear, what are you warning me about?" Get into relationship with your emotions.

Your emotions are only trying to communicate to you. They're trying to tell you something important about your life.

22:24

Ask yourself out loud "What do you want me to know?"

22:31

"What changes do I need to make to address the sadness I feel inside of me. Then, I want you to listen.

22:43

Now, to listen you need to put yourself in a quiet place, an undistracted place. It may mean that you need to untether from your Phone. But you have to be in a place where you won't be disturbed. For me, this happens early in the morning, when the house is the quietest. But you can find your own time and place. Sometimes it's good to take notes, but don't try to force your brain to give you step by step answers, that is not how your higher intelligence works. Allow the abstract, vague communication from your inner knowing to teach you? Your higher intelligence will understand what your emotions are communicating to you on the inside. Trust that you will find away to hear

If you've spent years and years of not listening and habitually shutting down whenever fear or sadness or anger welled up inside of you, then it will take some time to unpack all of those emotions.

24:17

Trust that you will find a way to hear what your emotions have to tell you.

24:26

Lastly, drop the assumption that uncomfortable emotions are bad for you. Uncomfortable feelings communicate that you are out of integrity.

24:43

Uncomfortable feelings communicate that you are out of integrity with yourself. Out of integrity with your life. It it may communicate that you're out of integrity with your partner. What is the discomfort is saying, is that your perception about life, is out of wack with your reality.

25:08

So I want you to make a presumption. I want you to presume that emotions like fear, sadness, guilt, or shame that they're all trying in their own way to support your health and well being. They're giving you vital information. Maybe it's true and the information is uncomfortable information about your life. Information that you don't want.

25:36

Or information about your partnership that you don't want. Things like your partner may be cheating, or information like, this job, you just took, is going nowhere fast.

25:56

Let the discomfort shape your perceptions about reality instead of avoiding the reality, by avoiding your emotions. Think of it this way, when the little oil light in your car comes on you need to change the oil. And you need to decide whether it's something you can do alone or whether you need to get help. It's the same in your relationship. When your emotions give you information that something needs to change, you need to decide if you need to get help with the change or whether you can navigate the change on your own.

26:39

Think of your emotions, your disappointment, your dissatisfaction, your lack of love, even numbness itself, as the little oil light going on in your relationship.

27:12

Emotional shut down is never a good strategy for creating love and partnership. And whether you do that consciously or unconsciously it's a bad habit. And if you're not sure that you emotionally shut down... Ask your partner, because they can feel it. In fact, disconnecting from your emotions makes you a stranger to them and to yourself. You are a stranger to your own emotional life. Relating to your emotions is the best way to understand what you are feeling and why. And when I say relationship I mean, literally asking yourself, the question "What Mister sadness, What Miss disappointment are you trying to tell me? How can I change?" When you sit with your emotions and you listen to what you are feeling, you get information about what you need in life and in love... What you need to be happy and about what you value and don't value..About the changes in your material world that need to be made... And about what you desire and what you want next to be happy.

28:46

Now to be able to sit with your emotions you need to ask for the time. It's the only way you're going to take it right. We have busy lives and we'd like to put other people in our lives above us. Let me change that, we like to make other people more important than our negative emotions. I'm asking you to do the reverse...to stop and listen to those negative feelings, and to take time out to attend to them, so that they don't become something that stops you down the road...Something that keeps you from feeling love and abundance in your current relationship. Or something that keeps you from tackling change or the elephant in the room of your relationship, whatever that elephant may be. So ask your partner to give you time to sit with your emotions. And listen to the feedback you get from your emotions. Then and only then, is it time to decide if you need to make some changes in your life.

30:05

And when that time comes, then you need to decide, "Hey is this a change I can make on my own or do I need the help of a specialist.

Say thanks for listening to today's episode of the Relationship Cleanse Podcast. Let me know how well 'relating to your own emotions' works for you. Does it improve your relationship to yourself, to your partner? What emotions are difficult for you to relate to? Let me know.

30:44

As always, you can reach me at www.athomecouplesretreat.com. Email me right through the website, I will respond and get back to you as soon as I can. I look forward to being with you again on the next episode.

31:06

Peace.

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Hi there and welcome to the Relationship Cleanse Podcast, the relationship advice podcast that gives you practical help free your relationship of anger, resentment and frustration, together will breakdown a big relationship problem into its little actionable steps so that you can make better choices around love and partnership. Thanks for listening. I'm George Streeter and your host and the facilitator for the At Home Couples Retreat. When you feel frustrated and like your relationship is going nowhere, that's exactly when it's a good time to take an At Home Couples Retreat. At Home Couples Retreat can help you rekindle and clear anger and resentment. It's simple. It's easy and it works. You can sign up at WWW.athomecouplesretreat.com. Let's get on today's episode.

01:35

Today's episode is how to handle the chronic money fight. Money is the number two reason why people divorce. Whether it's different spending habits or financial goals that don't match up, couples split over incompatible ideas around money. Most people think of financial stress as the cause of money fights and that's true... But financial stress seems to bleed over into every aspect of a relationship. Meaning... that when you have financial incompatibility, it's not always about how much money you have in the bank. It's about each person's level of comfort or discomfort about how much money you have. I've known wealthy people who divorce over finances and people who are far from financially free who thrive in their relationship. So the question is, what do you do when you and your partner have different money habits? Do you get angry? Are you upset when your partner spends more than you feel they should? Do you wish your partner was more relaxed around money or maybe you wish your partner was more responsible with the budget.

you have long standing tensions with your partner around spending or saving. Then stay tuned, because we're going to tackle this issue... How to handle the chronic money fight on today's episode of The Relationship Cleanse Podcast.

I think everyone can relate to today's podcast. You might be thinking happy and successful couples don't fight about money. These are the couples who take exotic vacations together they buy luxury houses and pay down their maxed out credit cards every month. They are the power couples who seem to have control over their financial lives. We all want to be one of these couples, the couple that has their financial life in order and are on the same page about money. But are we really on the same page with our partner when it comes to money, or do we let one partner dominate the financial decisions by either spending too much or being too stingy with the finances. When I entered my first marriage, right out of college, I had poor money habits. I was born to a teen mother and a young father. We didn't have much and so they didn't teach me much about spending or saving. Out of college I bought furniture for my new bachelor pad and I had the money to pay for the furniture out of my checking account, but I put the purchase on my credit card...to build up my credit. Sound familiar? Then I let the bill go to collections because I forgot to pay it. My first wife, on the other hand, came from a save first, spend never family. She had very different habits around money. In fact, she was very nervous about any debt and worried about having enough in the savings account. Debt and a lack of savings were two things that didn't bother me one bit. From many, many years in our marriage I just gave her my checks and let her be responsible for every aspect of our financial life. She was extremely good at saving and I was good at earning. Things worked and we never worried about money, that is until I decided to make a career change to find my purpose in life. My job changed created a new financial reality for us. A reality that required debt to maintain our lifestyle. The stress of cutting back and taking on debt seemed to literally overwhelmed my wife. My wife's

thrift made me feel resentful. I resented that I couldn't have what I wanted when I wanted it. In short, my job change had uncovered secret disagreements and resentments that my spouse and I had around money. You see we didn't have agreement around money, we had simply made concessions around money. We thought we were on the same page around money. But a little change in our life circumstances created so much fear and disappointment that our money fights eventually lead to deeper marital problems.

06:56

The truth is. There is not a couple who hasn't had a money fight. Fights in general, are not always a bad thing. Fights allow couples to get in touch with their own values around specific topics. So having a fight every now and then, about purchasing a vacation or buying a car or paying school tuition is just part of married life together. What is not normal, is fighting all the time or fighting everyday about money. This podcast is for the couple having week long, month long and year long battles over money.

07:44

If you are so angry about your partner's money habits that you have considered leaving the relationship keep listening there is hope.

07:57

So what I'm about to say next is not novel or new. I didn't make this up myself and you've probably heard this before. But I want you to listen to what I'm about to say as if it's the first time you've ever heard it. Because what I'm about to say will determine how you handle your money fights in the future.

08:29

What I'm about to say is pivotal for your relationship and how you talk with your partner and how you view your partners money habits.

When you're fighting about money, you're never really fighting about money. You're fighting about what money represents to you.

09:11

Now that's key, because it means that there's something deeper that you're fighting about, something that's important, and valuable to you at a heart level. It's never about the Benjamins and it's always about something that is deeply important to you.

09:48

Now what we want to do is to drop those behaviors and ideas and beliefs that we were conditioned to hold onto? And we want to step into those ideas that we hold true for ourselves.

10:14

So is it possible to have productive money fights?

10:22

Do money fights always leave us feeling angry, upset and trying to control the other person? Or, the bigger, more important question can happy couples have money fights that leave them feeling closer to one another, instead of feeling like enemies?

10:48

The main key to having productive money fights is to get in touch with your beliefs around money and be able to express how you feel around money. The stronger your emotions are around money, the deeper your money beliefs run. The first step to having constructive fights about anything and especially about money, is getting in touch with your beliefs about it. You may be thinking, I believe my spouse should spend less. Or my spouse just needs tyo relax around money, we have enough in the bank. Let me tell you that's not a belief. That is your desire to control your spouse. Beliefs are about you and they are emotionally centered around a deep need. Now neads get a bad rap in our society. We have so much material wealth that we conflate our needs with our whims and desires. And we are psychologically and physiologically tied to our needs.

12:10

Now money shows up in two very common needs; a need for security or a need for freedom. There are others, but those are the two most common.

And if security is really important to you, you will feel that unless the purchase itself gives you a bigger feeling of security, then the amount of money it costs, you won't do it. For example, purchasing a home is a huge expenditure, but you may feel more secure in having a home and in not renting a home from a landlord. Then the big expensive home purchase feels like an investment in your security. Now on the other hand, there's the other type of person, and often these two are together, for some reason... I guess opposites do attract. On the other hand, if money represents freedom to you, you might express' that as a need to use your money to create experiences for yourself and for those you love. In that case, denying yourself a European vacation or an expensive gym membership may feel like you're living in a prison.

14:04

You will feel like you have less freedom when you save money instead of investing in the experiences of life. So the question you have to ask yourself is what does money represent to you?

14:22

Now here are a couple of other examples that might help you get to that answer. If you want to use money to purchase the status symbols of life, like fine clothing, cars or big houses, money may represent belonging to you. A feeling like you belong to a certain level of class in society. If your money representation is around connecting to others you spend money to bring your family together. You might buy a vacation home, so the entire family can get together or splurge on a cruise and pay for everyone to go on it. You want to keep people close to you and you'll spend money to make that happen.

15:19

If your money represents your individual personal self expression, then your money will be used to express your personal individual style or your personal beliefs, and that could be taking a yoga retreat to enlighten yourself or it could mean giving money to your church or synagogue. Or buying your coffee at a place that respects the labor of others.

Now, why am I saying all this? Why is this important? It's important because the next time you have a money fight, I want you to stop and take a moment and connect with how you feel around money?

16:13

And be mindful that your partner has an equally valid feeling around money and an equally valid need?

16:25

need. So he first thing you can do, to minimize chronic money fights, is to understand what the need is in your partner.

16:37

So the next time you have a money fight I want you to try these seven tips.

16:44

Number 1: Check in with yourself around your money need. We've discussed this already but don't assume that in your last money fight your need was security that in the new money fight your need will be the same. Your money representations will change depending on your use for the money. So always recheck your money need for each purchase that you're discussing. So for me for example, I have a strong need and desire to have culture and art in my life. A museum ticket is something that's really important to me, but not always something that I indulge in. On the other hand. I really enjoy roller coasters and so I enjoy going to a theme park and I enjoy all the things that go along with that type of amusement.

17:45

I enjoy each of those things for different reasons. And I'll have different needs around them. Now some needs will be stronger than others and it will be that way for you as well. Number 2: Share your money needs with your partner. Keep it specific to the money issue at hand, don't make general or blanket statements about your needs by using words like "I've always" or "every time". These are assumptions that you'll want to drop from your money conversation. For example, don't say "you never pay attention to the amount of money, you spend shopping."

18:32

That would be an assumption Because no one "always" does anything all the time. So what I want you to do, what I want you to focus on and what I want you to say is something specific. For example say "you went over our agreed budget this shopping trip." In this way, you keep the money fight about the present situation and you don't make it about any chronic long standing thing in your past that's always there and can never be resolved. It can't be resolved because it's in your past.

. Number 3: Ask your partner to get in touch with his or her money need and to share it with you. Now this may feel like a daunting task because every time you talk about money your partner gets all bent out of shape and then there's an argument. You just don't want to do it. But there's a simple way you can do this. A simple ask you can make. You can say something like "What need are you trying to satisfy with this money decision?".

19:53

And then follow the same rules and tips around number 2. Encourage your partner to stay away from general or blanket statements about their needs.

20:05

So that's number 3, Ask your partner to get in touch with his or her money needs. Number 4: Acknowledged the needs of your partner. You asked him or her a question, it's important for you to acknowledge that you've heard their answer. Take time to express your understanding of your partner's money need and ask your partner to share their understanding of your need. As well.

20:34

And then I want you to do this, keep re-explaining your need until your partner can accurately restate it. Don't get frustrated, don't get exasperated, don't give up in disgust.

20:53

It's important for you to nail this part. Don't go over it. Don't pass go here until you're satisfied that your partner understands where you're coming from. Remember understanding goes a long way towards a solution.

21:16

Tip Number 5: Brainstorm about solutions that satisfy both partner's money needs. And when I say brainstorm I mean brainstorm... Keep everything on the table, don't assume "my partner would never go for that". For example, maybe your partner has never expressed a desire for a truck. But you both like to go camping, and a four door truck, may be the solution for tents, bikes and dogs. A solution you would never get to if you didn't put it on the table. Remember everything in life is available for you, everything in life is on the table for you.

So, in your conversations around money. Don't make assumptions about what your partner will or will not want. Number 6: Take steps toward The solution. That simple right? Wrong! Sometimes we make solutions and we never take active steps towards them. So once you pick a solution try it on. You don't have to decide to it. It doesn't have to be, you know, we make this decision and now we have to live or die with it You can always make a new decision. Give each other permission to come back to the discussion table if the solution is not working.

22:50

So if you try a solution and find that the need is not being met by the solution, then go back to the discussino table. Go back to number 5 and brainstorm again. Number 7: Check in with each other as you implement the new money solution. Keep the lines of communication open between you. It's OK to feel fear and doubt, but don't change course unless you both agree. Sometimes growth feels uncertain. The worst that can happen is you make a mistake and you learn from it. But stay the course with your partner, stay the course with your solution, unless you both agree "yeah, we need to make a change here". Then go back to step #5 and brainstorm a new.

23:48

Now. These steps seven steps can help you navigate your chronic money conversations. You can change those fights into a dialogue around a new way to mutually understand one another. ANd reconnect at a deeper level when you're talking about your needs, or talking about the things that are important to you. When you've dropped your habitual conditioned beliefs around money and gotten into that thing that's really important to you, it's a lot easier to have tough money discussions.

24:37

And there's a lot more intimacy that's available.

24:47

Money fights can be constructive when you understand what money represents to you. If you're having week long, month long or year-long money fights, then you're fighting to control your partner. And you are not adequately expressing your money beliefs.

25:10

When you understand your partner better you'll be able to find solutions that can accomplish the money needs of you both.

25:23

Every couple fights about money, even the power couples, even those financially secure. The question is, are your fights constructive or destructive to your relationship?

What does money represent to you? Let me know... I want to hear from you. Maybe you have something to share that the listeners can benefit from. I am interested in. and curious about your thoughts on this podcast. Was this helpful?

26:28

Did these 7 tips resonate for you? Let me know... You can reach out to me and you can find me at the At Home Couples Retreat. That's www.athomecouplesretreat.com. Just go into the website and you can email me from there. I'll respond as soon as I can and maybe just maybe you will have a tip they can help our listening audience with. We can always use more tips around money. I want to thank you for listening to the Relationship Cleanse Podcast, I'm your host is always George Streeter. And I look forward to talking to you again in the next episode.

27:26

Take care... Peace, I'm out.

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Welcome to the Relationship Cleanse Podcasts, the relationship advice podcast that gives you practical help free your relationship of anger, resentment and frustration. Together will breakdown a big relationship problem into its little actionable steps so that you can make better choices, around love and partnership. Thanks for listening. I'm George Streeter, your host and facilitator for the At Home Couples Retreat. Feeling frustrated and resentful like your relationship is going nowhere? That's exactly when it's a good time to take an At Home Couples Retreat. AT Home Couples Retreat can help you rekindle love and clear Anger and resentment. It's simple. It's easy and it works. You can sign up at WWW.athomecouplesretreat.com.l Let's get on with today's episode.

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Today's episode is Finding your happy place when you are the angry partner.

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So we are all excited about starting the Relationship Cleanse Podcast, so that People who are in frustrating, and angry relationships can have an opportunity to hear from a professional dealing directly with their issue.

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And it's important that you have a place where you can go when you're angry to try to figure out how to reconcile with your partner and reconcile with your own inequity and injustice that you feel in your own heart. So that's what the relationship cleanse podcast is all about and in today's topic we're going to discuss and tackle that whole idea... with episode number one.

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And I call it finding your happy place when you're the angry partner. Or finding your happy place when you're the frustrated partner. Most people are frustrated, not a lot of people walking around angry. Right? You're frustrated with your partner. And if you're one of those people, if you're feeling a little more than upset with your partner... If the things that they say and do are making you have these uncontrolled feelings of anger and frustration... And you're doing your best... Right? But you find yourself getting upset with things that they say and the questions that they ask, and maybe you're tired of hearing your partner say "I'm sorry"... When all you really want is for them to get it right. To feel like a team player. To act like a partner... to be attentive.

If you're that partner, that when your partner asks you a simple question you find yourself starting to well up with anger and resentment and that sort of feeling, even though you know it's only a simple question, then I want you to keep listening...because we got some good answers for you today.

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So I want to make it perfectly clear that in no way am I suggesting that if you're angry, you have a right to lash out at somebody, to verbally abuse someone, to emotionally taunt someone or physically mistreat someone. That is never OK. And also I'm a realist.. Right? I deal with relationships all the time and I know that sometimes these things occur, right? And the thing I want to say to you is that if you are the angry partner you don't want to be the angry partner. You really want some help, you really want to feel connected and close to your partner. So, once I give you that caveat, I want to say this, I get it. Your partner is not clued into your needs, that's one reason why you're angry. They're probably haven't been listening to you for a long, long time. And, ladies and gentlemen who are listening to this. If you're not being listened to heard validated and supported you're bound to get angry at some point. It will make you upset. If you feel like your Personhood is being diminished or that you aren't being valued for who you are in the relationship... I want you to know

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that I seriously understand the lack of emotional connection that you could be feeling right now if you are the frustrated partner. I understand because I know this spot well. I've been the frustrated partner in the past. And I've been the cause of my partners frustration. You know, we've all been there, we've all done this. And I want you to know though that today's podcast is for the frustrated partner? If you are the partner of, or dealing with an angry partner who is frustrated with you then I want you to check out my podcast entitled "what to do when your partner is frustrated with you?"

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But today's podcast is for the angry partner. We want to talk about this anger and see if we can help mitigate some of the feelings that you have. Bring you back into connection with your partner, who's hopefully your true love. like I said, I know this spot of the frustrated partner. I had a partner. Who jumped to conclusions about everything whenever I brought up a subject? Talking to her was like talking to a know-it-all Alexa. I would say something like Hey, honey, I think and she would finish my sentence for me. And it was so frustrating. So I would be like, "Hey, honey, I would like.." and she would jump in and go into wel "You want to go out to dinner?"And I say "no". And then I would say "I think I would like to..." And she would say "you want to see our friends for dinner?" "No." You want me to cook dinner? " This would go on, sometimes until I just walked away. And it was hard. It was difficult. It would make me so mad sometimes that I would just stand there and stare at her because she didn't realize that she was having a conversation with herself and she wasn't having a conversation with me.

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So I tried to mitigate this right.

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I decided that what I would say is "I'd like to tell you something". Maybe in that way I can get her full attention to actually say my whole desire before she tried to Answer my desire.

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But it didn't help.

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It didn't help one bit.

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There was still the same 20 questions and her 20 guesses. And it was frustrating. And what it did to me was left me with a feeling that she didn't love me, that she didn't hear me, and that she didn't know me. And I think that's important for you to understand as the partner dealing with someone who is angry with you.

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The most important thing that the angry partner wants to know is that, you understand where they're coming from. You know what's upsetting them. You can see their point. You don't have to agree with it, but they just want to make sure that you know where they're coming from and that they feel heard? It's so important. Now I can't tell you how angry her behavior made me I felt disrespected like I said, I felt unheard. I felt hurt. I felt unseen.

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And, of course, all of these feelings made me feel justified in my anger, made me feel justified in my frustration. If you're the angry partner you know what I mean. You know the reasons why you're angry with your partner. And it's easy to feel justified in your anger, you wear it like a badge.

And some people, some people distribute, punitive justice towards their partner. We start to withhold things, we withhold our love, we withhold the smile, we withhold affection. That's what we do when we're the angry partner.

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But I cared about this woman and I wanted things to workout. And so I would try to explain in that self righteous justified way, my position.

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But after awhile doing anything with her just felt like going to the dentist. It felt like work. I was getting more and more frustrated. The things she was doing was making me feel miserable. My reaction, too her was making her a nervous wreck. The bottom line is she could not win with me. The bottom line for you, as the angry partner, I suspect your partner can't win with you right now either.

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So one day I'm in the mirror and i'm shaving, and I catch myself expressing my frustration in the mirror. And I had this revelation,I'm a miserable guy stuck in frustration.

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I'm that guy, that is in that relationship that complains about his partner to himself and to other people, expressing frustration and anger at her all the time. I'm the miserable guy.

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I couldn't believe the thoughts coming out of my mind as I was standing there shaving my face.

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Thoughts about my partner and her behavior. And the thing that caught me is that I couldn't distinguish between her behaviors and her being. They had merged for me, I was just angry at her now. I got annoyed with her just at the possibility that she might behave that way.

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And you know what that means? Like, if you're the angry partner and that's where you're at, that means you're having fewer and fewer enjoyable or good times together.

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You and your partner are sharing fewer and fewer, calm, relaxing, rejuvenating and intimate times together.

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Why? In my case because I was angry and my anger and frustration was making her a nervous wreck. Maybe it's the same in your relationship, every little innocent mistake, she made seemed to me to be done out of unconscious disregard for me.

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Now I know that wasn't true, and in your case, as the angry partner, it's not true for you either.

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Your partner does care about you.

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You haven't set them up to win. You haven't set yourself up to win. I'm going to talk about that a little bit later, how you can set your partner up to win so that you can feel better.

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But what was true, was that I had become an angry partner? And it wasn't even about her behavior anymore. I was just bitter about everything.

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And I don't know about you. When I was that way. I didn't like myself very much.

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I knew I needed to change. Change.

Look no one wants to be the angry partner. What we really want is to be the happy partner?

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When I realized that I was the miserable guy. The guy who couldn't be happy under any circumstances. The guy who got annoyed just at the sight of his partner, at the possibility that she might exhibit that annoying trait...

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I knew I needed to change. I needed to get help. I knew I wanted to be the happy partner again. Maybe you know what I'm talking about maybe you have those feelings yourself. Maybe you're so sick and tired of being sick and tired of your partner.

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Maybe you've been thinking, I don't like the person I'm becoming.

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I felt that way. I also had a second feeling. Maybe you can understand it, it went something like this, I don't like the person I'm becoming in this relationship, I want to feel something new, so I should just get a new partner. My thinking and my experience has shown me that wherever I go there, I am.

Having a new partner would just bring up new challenges and new opportunities for me to be angry and miserable. Frustrated. I needed to learn how to be happy now. But I really wondered how happy I could be? Because I knew my problems with follow me.

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Then I read a book about the 16th president of the United States. Abraham Lincoln.

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And there was a quote that was attributed to him. And he said. Something to the effect that most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

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And something about that quote just stuck in my system. And I realized that I was the one struggling in this relationship. I had to acknowledge that and that's difficult to acknowledge.

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But that acknowledgement also meant that I would have to be the one to change.

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See before you come to that epiphany you think, as the angry partner, that it's your partner who has to change.

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So my thought was she needed to meet my needs. She needed to listen better to me. She needed to change her annoying behavior and that would make me happy. But I realized I was the person unhappy. So I had to be the person to find my way to happy.

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I had to make up my mind to be happy.

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There is a common saying that "seeing is believing". It's so common that we all know it. We've all heard it all our lives. But the real reality is that "believing is seeing".

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We see exactly what we believe. When I work with couples I'm working with their beliefs, their negative beliefs about themselves or their partner. And here's the thing that I believe, it happened to me with my partner. And if you're the angry partner it's happened to you. Frustration has captured your attention. Let me say it again, frustration has captured your attention. In my case, the only thing I could see was everything that frustrated me.

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I couldn't see my partners loving gestures of care. I believed she didn't know me. I believed she was unconscious and she didn't see me. When she did something I liked, I did the worst thing that you could possibly do to somebody who loves you... I discounted her gestures of love. I couldn't see them 'cause I didn't believe they were there. But like I said, I had this epiphany and I realized that I was the miserable guy. And I wanted to change. And I realized for things to get bette I had to start working on my own happiness. And my own happiness started with where I placed my attention. I could keep my heart and my mind locked in frustration or I could change. So I determined to stop making my partner responsible for my happiness.

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I determined to stop making my happy, contingent on her behavior.

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And I began to redirect my attention towards my own happiness. I started to focus on the things that would bring me joy. Now in the beginning this wasn't easy. Attention is like a muscle it has memory. And it was hard for me to redirect my attention towards the things I wanted for myself and away for the things I didn't want.

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I had become so habituated that the only thing I focused on in that relationship with her, was noticing or placing my attention on the things I didn't want?

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So I failed a lot. I failed a lot at focusing my attention on my own happiness. In all my effort and all my failure, I've found 3 solid ways to focus on my own happiness. These actually helped me get out of frustration. To take my attention away from the things I didn't want and to bring me back into a closer loving relationship with my partner.

And the great thing is these tips are super easy. You can accomplish them with little to no help. And I want to outline some of them for you here today.

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The first step to finding your happy place when you're frustrated with your partner is really simple. It's so obvious, I'm almost ashamed to say it, but it's to start looking for things that make you happy.

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Place your attention, your heart, your eyes, your senses, your ears everything that has been focused on listening for and feeling for annoyance, that causes annoyance that theyou created.

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So for me looking for happiness meant spending some time with the things that I love.

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Now, for you, that could be really simple. It could be spending some time looking at funny cat videos on YouTube. It could be learning to cook or taking a class.

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The key here is that, instead of trying to get someone else to do your desire you're trying to rewire your brain, so that you start to focus on your own desires.

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And yeah, I know it's hard to find time for yourself, especially if you're a parent, if you have a full time job, if you live in the Bay Area. (It It doesn't matter where you live if you live anywhere in this country.) It's hard. We're all trying to make a living. But it's because of these, obstacles, these hindrances to you finding time for yourself, that you feel so frustrated. That you feel so tightly wound.

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It's imperative that you find time to explore the things that make you happy. You must carve out some me time to give yourself a chance to be the loving person you want to be.

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Now you might be thinking "George you said that these tips were easy and finding time is one of the hardest things you can do." But you have to find it.

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The second step is that I want you to start to cultivate a "yes attitude about your life?ow you may be thinking. I'm really am a nice positive person when I'm not around my partners just that my partner does this thing. And that thing. That's your own self righteous self justification for your anger.

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If you don't want to be the miserable angry partner. You've got to change. And the first thing to do is to take your attention, off of what your partner's doing and place it on your own desires, those things that make you happy. And this is the 2nd thing to do, the second step that will help you too cultivate a yes attitude about your life... See rejection, anger, and resentment as big fat no burgers that you serve to your partner cold.

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In other words, your negative feelings are coming from an internal no that you are giving to your partner. And to the world for that matter. You've given it to yourself Because you're saying "no" to love, "no" to warmth, "no" to mutual affection. So to change this you will need to start saying "yes", yes to yourself, and yes to others. Now I want you to close your eyes for a moment, just for a quick moment, and I want you to go back into your memory, and I want you to think about the last time you were an unreserved "yes" to anything. Just an excited 100% hell yeah to something

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Have you been stuck? In frustration resentment and anger so long. That you don't remember. The last time you were an unreserved yes.

What you really have to do is cultivate a yes attitude in your own heart. Yes, feels supportive. It feels like teamwork. It feels good.

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No feels restrictive. No constricts.

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No puts a frown on your face and wrinkles on your forehead. And if you don't want to look that way you have to develop a yes attitude. Now you might be thinking, I can't be a yes to my partner. Because what they want what I don't want. You might be thinking my yes would mean disaster for everything that I truly want in my life.

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But think about this. What you're really saying is my yes will mean I won't have total control my partner, my yes means that I have to figure out a middle ground.

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But let me ask you, do you want to live in resentment? Or do you want to live in contentment? Because you can't control your partner and feel good about yourself and the relationship at the same time. And that brings us to step #3. And this step is the hardest to Master.

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To be happy. To be able to be a Yes. You have to start to focus on your own desires. There's a certain level of control you have to let go of, and the opposite of control is surrender. Now surrender gets a dirty name. It's not giving up. Surrender is letting things be.

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Surrender is being a "yes" when you are a yes. Surrender is being a "no" when you are a no.

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But there's some things surrender is not... It's not about control.

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So you don't want to control how your partner feels about things. You don't want to control how your partner feels about you. You don't want to control what your partner values.

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And some people try to do this in the name of connection, like we have to be on the same page.

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Well, that's not allowing things to be.

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And it certainly would make you miserable, If you had to run around and micro manage another human being. What I figured out is that it was hard enough for me to manage myself?

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And there is one hard aspect to the tips that I'm giving you. It's that when you turn the spotlight on yourself....when you look inside your own room of being and you realize how sparsely furnished it is, that there's not much depth inside of you... I know when I did that I immediately wanted to take the attention off myself and put it back on my partner, so at least I have something solid to complain about.

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Because what I realized is, I didn't even really know myself that well. I didn't know what I desired. I didn't know what I really wanted, but I was hoping that my partner would give it to me.

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So this aspect of surrender is about getting in touch with what's important to you, what really matters to you, and being able to say "yes" to it. So if your partner wants more sex than you want, surrender looks like getting in touch with your actual desire for sex.

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And instead of making your partner, you know, this hypersexual, villain, you realize that maybe you're hiding your own sexual desires. Because some of the kinky things you want to do you're afraid of.

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Surrender may mean understanding that you don't want kids when you thought you did and being able to hold that idea of yourself with grace.It means being able to surrender to that idea.

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Surrender means being able to see yourself and your desires for what they really are.

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But it also means letting go of control and letting go of trying to make your partner give you things you think you need. Instead surrender means you taking the reins here and focusing on your own happiness. Surrender is a state of mind.

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Surrender is about keeping gratitude.

Surrender is about working on your perspective and being in a good place about who you are, and who you want to be in the world. And this step is not easy.

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This last step is the hardest, but it's something that you can do. I did it. You can do it too. You don't need to get extra help.

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You can start by trying to cultivate more gratitude for what you already have. Now I recognize that sometimes, in relationships, there are big issues...that left unresolved are really hard to surrender to. Things that challenge your faith in the relationship.

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Abandonment.

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Breaking of trust.

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These things can really make surrender...Difficult.

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And maybe there are those with bigger issues. It's more important that you clear those resentments and that you get some help. But for things that are not quite that big.

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Something that I was dealing with, like an annoying partner here focusing on my own desires. Helped me move out of miserable frustration. Taking my attention off of her and placing it on my own desires, gave me some power. Helped me realize what I really wanted to have,

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and help me heal.

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I think they can help you heal too.

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So that will do it for this episode of the Relationship Cleanse Podcast. I am so curious to know; What did you think of these tips? Were they helpful?

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Do you have a tip that has successfully helped you move out of anger and into a more loving relationship? Something that I didn't cover. I'd be happy to hear from you and to share your tips with our listening audience.

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And if there's anything That I can help you With specifically reach out to me, I'm at WWW.athomecouplesretreat.com, you can email me from the website there. And you can sign up if you're in a relationship that's mired in resentment and anger and frustration.

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We can help you find that happy place to get back to mutual love and affection. affection. I want to thank you for listening to the relationship cleanse podcast. I'm George Streeter, your host. I can't wait. To hear from you. And speak to you again and this is the podcast that helps you. Move your relationship out of resentment and into contentment. I wish you peace and love. Have a great day.