The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

View Details

In The Possibility Podcast episode 137, I share my approach for overcoming anxiety, fear and distress cultivated from principles of quantum physics inspired initially by the book The Turning Point by Fritjof Capra.

By learning to embrace uncertainty fear dissipates and we can become free to experience the wonders of life.

I’d love to hear what you think! Be sure to leave a comment with your own thoughts and questions!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel SchwartzDon’t miss a single Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz! Subscribe for free in iTunes / Apple Podcasts, YouTube, Spotify, RadioPublic, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Or, simply copy / paste the RSS link directly into the podcast app of your choice!

Please Rate and ReviewIf you enjoy The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, please take a moment to rate and review the show in iTunes / Apple Podcasts or Podchaser. It only takes a few minutes, and adding your review is as easy as clicking this link.

Your rating and review helps raise the visibility of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, especially on iTunes / Apple Podcasts, which is one of the biggest podcasting platforms today. More visibility for the show means more listeners… and that growth means the show reaches — and helps — more people like you.

Thank you!

Talk With Mel!Help others when Mel helps you: Contact Mel and find out how you can be a guest on the show and ask Mel a question. He’ll put the Possibility Principle to work for you, and your conversation will be recorded for use in a future episode of the podcast so other listeners can benefit. Of course, your anonymity will be respected if that’s your wish.

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #137Hello everybody and welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

In today’s episode, we’re going to be exploring the phenomenon of anxiety, what this word means, what the experience is like, and how you can do far more than cope with it or manage it, but overcome it. When I hear people speaking about coping with anxiety, I feel very frustrated. It is not a condition that you have to remain stuck with. And simply treating it with meds is not the answer. Although the meds may give you some relief from the deep distress of anxiety, they also create a reliance and a dependence whereby you come to think that the only way you could treat your anxiety is to medicate it, to remove from the surface the great distress that you’re feeling and the fear that you’re feeling. So ironically, although the meds give you some temporary or instantaneous relief, it kind of cements you to the problem.

Let me begin by sharing my first experience of significant anxiety. I was recently divorced. I woke up one beautiful spring morning and went for a bike ride. My sons that particular day were at their mom’s, which was unusual because they live full time with me. So I headed out and thought I’d have a great bike ride and enjoy my day. After a few minutes into the ride, I begin to suffer from anxiety. In fact, it was a full-blown anxiety attack. I had fearful thoughts about my future, what different aspects of my life were going to look like. They were unknown and I was engulfed in fear.

I turned the bike around and headed back home, not having any idea what kind of relief that might provide me with. As I got back into the house, I pulled a book from the bookshelf that I had never read before and it was called The Turning Point. I should say aptly called The Turning Point. I began to read about this paradigm shift. By the way, I should mention that The Turning Point was written by Frijof Capra, a quantum physicist. So Capra spoke of this shift in worldview of paradigms, of how we see reality operating. He described at great length how we had lived under a Newtonian 17th century view of reality, which pictured life and reality as a giant machine. We became that machine. We became the cogs in the machine, separate and disconnected from one another, which absolutely destroyed our ability to have any sense of meaning and purpose in life. It was what was called a deterministic worldview. It required outside force to create change. We were inert, stuck objects in this machine. No meaning, no purpose, no sense of humanity, a very inhospitable place to live.

But Capra started to describe this emerging worldview, which had been coming at us now for 80, 90 years. It was born in the hard science of quantum physics. So quantum physics described a reality altogether different. This picture of reality, the quantum picture, was one of thorough, total, inseparable interconnection. In fact, interconnection is the wrong word because the word connection speaks to a separation. There was no separation. Reality was one seamless, inseparable whole. And we were part of that reality. So that was rich with meaning and purpose because everything we did or didn’t do impacted the whole. It was what quantum physicists referred to as a reality-making process.

Another important aspect of this worldview was that it was full of absolute potentiality and teeming with possibility. I noticed that within reading just a few pages, perhaps a chapter, that my anxiety was gone. It had retreated. Not only was it gone, I was feeling intrigued and excited. Well, that process for me has set off a process of inquiry and development and approaches and methods toward improving the human condition that have gone on for decades.

So going back to that particular day, my fears retreated and I felt emboldened. It was for me, just as the title of the book suggested, the turning point. My turning point. I changed my beliefs and my thinking to conform and align with this new worldview. It led me to write my book, The Possibility Principle. It allowed me to integrate this new way of thinking and believing into my therapy practice and to assist all those who come across my path.

So let’s turn now to this word, anxiety, and get a sense of what it means. By anxiety, I don’t simply mean stress. Stress is normal in our hurried lives. When we adapt to challenges, it produces stress. Stress can be exhilarating. Stress is the result of our deeper engagement with life. It can lead to growth, new learning, and productivity. But when stress turns to distress, or think of that as fear, it impedes our ability to live well, to thrive. It takes us out of being present in the moment. Distress calcifies and becomes anxiety. It turns what should be innocuous moments into calamities, whereby our thoughts tend to catastrophize situations which are really not alarming. It robs us of a joyful, well-lived life.

In the United States, one in four people suffer from anxiety. At any given moment, 40 million people in the United States are suffering from anxiety. And worldwide, that number would be hundreds of millions. This is a staggering rate of affliction. The problem is we’ve adapted to this new norm. We’ve normalized it. This is a place of mass disquiet. We’ve become habituated to this, and we’ve adapted to an epidemic of anxiety. If 40 million people in the United States became suddenly ill without cause, the Center for Disease Control would be working overtime looking at it.

You see, as a culture, we look superficially into the cause, and we focus more on the treatment, once again, managing things through medication. We need to do better. In fact, we can do much better.

So the question remains, why do we suffer from this avalanche of anxiety? I find its roots in that old-world view of mechanism. And I’ll get to that in just a moment.

Here’s what I’ve learned by looking deeper into the phenomenon of anxiety, and particularly through the lens of my therapy practice. Anxiety at its source is due to our relationship with our thoughts. Anxiety is actually the process of our thought attaching to something fearful. These are often thoughts that are trying to know the future. They’re seeking certainty. We want to know what the future will bring and what the consequences of our decisions will be. But of course, the future is unknowable. That’s why we call it the future. And it’s our nature to ward off the unknown, the uncertain. That tendency to push away and ward off uncertainty and the unknown is, in my belief, the major cause of anxiety, which is my focus during this episode.

As a result, we’re not in the flow of life because we’re trying to hold back the future. People with anxiety feel stuck as they try to fight change, all the while wanting desperately to change. There are other sources of anxiety. Low self-esteem, which we’ll be discussing in a following episode, post-traumatic stress disorder, our tendency to analyze too much. Let’s pause. Ask yourself right now, take a moment, ask yourself, what causes me anxiety? Does it have something to do with your fear of uncertainty, of the future, of what could go wrong in the moments that lay ahead of you?

Let’s look at an example of this dread of uncertainty. I recall working with a middle-aged woman. I’ll call her Mary. Mary was mired in a very unhappy marriage. They went for couples counseling, which is unsuccessful. And as a couple, they experienced no joy and had little in common, no interest in common. She felt that her marriage was a drag on her life. The good news was that she was financially independent and had no children. So I asked her what for me was an obvious question. Why was she remaining married? And she said, I don’t know who I would be as a divorced woman. There it was, her fear of the unknown, which by the way, would offer her new possibilities. But it was the fear of the unknown that kept her imprisoned with anxiety. She was choosing to stay stuck in the known rather than open to the uncertainties, which could actually benefit her. So the known was miserable, but she preferred the known to the embrace of the unknown. The question, who would I be, froze Mary with fear.

We’ll come back to that question in a little while. Another client, whom I’ll call Tom, came to see me for help with his anxiety. Tom was a mid-level executive and supported his family well, but he had no peace of mind. Tom was constantly deluged with fear about what the future might bring him. His need for certainty overwhelmed him. If Tom was preparing a presentation for work, he would worry excessively about how it would be received by others, what questions might be asked of him. These concerns actually had a negative impact on his work. So you see, the very thing he feared, a mediocre performance, he was actually creating because of his fear. His anxiety impacted him at home as well. He was constantly questioning whether his wife would always love him. Tom’s addiction to needing to know the future blocked him from being present. It literally robbed him of joy, of connectedness with his family. He wasn’t present. And so I began to share some techniques I had developed regarding embracing certainty. Tom decided to take a break from therapy and work on them. We’ll get back to Tom in a bit.

Of course, there are places in which we do welcome and look forward to uncertainty. Sports is a great example. The thrill of not knowing the outcome keeps us riveted to the action on the field. Movies, why do we have spoiler alerts? Don’t ruin it for us. We want to be fully engaged in the uncertainty. The thrill of not knowing fuels part of the gross national product. But in our personal lives, we become choked by predictability and certainty. In my book, The Possibility Principle, I demonstrate how this stunts our relationships, our curiosity, and our total engagement with life.

Oscar Wilde famously said, uncertainty is the essence of romance. You may have heard me speak to or refer to this previously in different episodes or in my book. If you think about it, that quote is seemingly and arguably true. The experience, the romance of falling in love is steeped in uncertainty. We don’t know. We’re welcoming the uncertainty, the excitement, the not knowing. That’s what the connection is like. We’re not finishing each other’s sentences. We’re present and thrilled by the possibilities that await us. But once we secure the relationship, romance and passion tend to wither because we succumb to predictability. What begins as a spontaneous connecting, full of wonder and enchantment, falls from grace as we turned it into a predictable, formatted engagement. Romance, love, passion do not have to die, but we have to stop becoming wed to predictability. Newton’s 17th century worldview.

So how did we become addicted to this fear about the future? Tom’s fears, Mary’s anxieties, my anxiety attack, and millions of people in the United States and hundreds of millions throughout the world, they’re all informed by this old 17th century operating worldview. So the roots of our dependence uncertainty go back more than 300 years. Newton theorized that if we had enough information, what we today might call data, we could reasonably predict future events. Think of a billiard ball striking another ball and causing it to carry them off the side of the pool table. You know, with precise calculation and control of all the variables, you might be able to predict the outcome. But living life this way is dehumanizing. We aren’t objects. We aren’t cogs in the machine. We aren’t balls on the pool table. We are human beings.

This level of determinism sets up an arrow from past to present to future. Living life this way causes us to lose so much of what it means to be human. Our consciousness becomes subverted to being the equivalent of the billiard ball as we try to predict the future. Now determinism has benefited us in many ways, no doubt, but at the extreme, it leads to pathology. It leads to anxiety and it leads to depression. And it sets up a loss of wonder and curiosity. Look at how wonder and curiosity have become devalued in our world, our culture, and our lives. We live our lives as though we’re playing a chess match.

You know, when you play chess, you sit back, detached, calculating as you analyze the next move. We might worry about making a mistake, so we analyze more. The fear of making the wrong choice strangles us. We spend so much time engaged in the fear of making a mistake, it blocks us from our engagement in life. Fear of making mistakes preclude possibilities. This is imprisoning. The fear of making mistakes forecloses our possibilities. So we don’t move forward as a straight jacket of fear blocks us from joining in the flow of life. We worry so much about the consequences of our actions, but we pay so little or no attention to the consequences of our inactions. We don’t think about what will happen, what will the consequences be if I don’t act? What would the consequences have been for Mary if she remained married? The things that we don’t do have as great an impact on us as the things that we do choose to do. Too much analyzing speaks to our fear of making a mistake, and too much analyzing is a derivative of anxiety.

Do you feel anxious about making decisions? Then you’re probably seeking certainty and stuck. I remember working with a straight A college student attending an Ivy League college, but in his sophomore year, Andrew became immobilized when he had to select his major. He became so worried about making a mistake that he actually took a leave of absence from school rather than endure the risk of choosing the wrong major. His need for certainty, his acute analyzing about the right major caused him to lose his own inner voice and his own intuitive wisdom.

Okay, so that’s all the bad news, but let me pivot now and share the good news. Let’s go back to the turning point, the new game plan for life. Quantum physics stipulates that uncertainty is the norm of the universe. This came to us from Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle, which shares that nothing is fixed or inert. Reality is flowing, interconnected, unfolding, participatory, rather a magical looking universe. We can be a part of that universe. This means that nothing is certain or predictable. And that my friends is great news.

You see, this reality is bubbling with potential and possibilities. And so we can jump into that new reality. We can participate in the reality making process that quantum physics describes. We can participate in constructing our own reality. Reality is creative and flowing and we can be too.

Think of it this way. Uncertainty equals possibility. Certainty precludes possibility.

Let’s get back to Tom. He came back into therapy with me after taking that hiatus. He couldn’t have been more excited as he shared his progress. I asked him how he accomplished it. He smiled, he was beaming, and he said his best friend was now uncertainty. His password on all of his devices was embrace, as in embrace uncertainty. You see, when you embrace what you fear, the fear dissolves. When you struggle with worrisome aspects of your life, ask yourself, how is my fear of the unknown getting in the way of my change process? Imagine yourself embracing and welcoming uncertainty and you’ll feel self-empowered. You’ll free yourself from the grip of anxiety and fear.

Going back to Mary, I created a visualization. It went something like this. I had Mary close her eyes and envision that she was standing by the banks of a river. I said, Mary, look at the river and let’s contemplate that the river metaphorically represents the flow of life. Mary, I want you to walk into the river and join in the flow of life. Few moments passed and I asked her where she saw herself and she says, well, I’m in the river now, Mel.

I said, what are you doing? She said, well, there’s a big boulder in the middle and I’ve grabbed a hold of it.

I asked Mary, why have you done that? And she said, well, the river bends to the right up ahead and I don’t know where it’s going so I’m grabbing a hold of this because I’m afraid of the unknown.

That was exactly the problem. I said, Mary, you’re not supposed to know where it’s going. That’s your future. You’re staying stuck in your hapless marriage, clinging to this boulder. You need to embrace the uncertainty and get into the flow of the river.

By the way, once you’re in the flow, you’re free to navigate. You’re not hapless. You’re not a victim. The victimhood is from holding on to that boulder.

We’re going to turn to a caller right now. Hi there. What’s your name?

Hi, Mel. My name is Liz.

Nice to meet you, Liz. What is it that you would like to discuss? I think it’s something pertinent to anxiety.

Yes. I’ve listened to a number of your podcasts and I find what you’re saying very thoughtful and provoking. So I’d like to dive into my own issues with anxiety and ask you some questions.

Please jump right in.

I find that from my day to day life, I am constantly thinking about the future and I get lost in my thoughts because I’m constantly thinking about the next day and what needs to be done. And it becomes overwhelming to me where I have 10 to 15 different thoughts flooding into my head at once. And that causes me to get out of breath, feel like I can’t breathe and start to have a panic attack.

Liz, are these fearful thoughts, I’m assuming? In other words, I wouldn’t think that these are joyful, happy thoughts about tomorrow that wouldn’t cause you distress, would it?

No, it would not.

So can you give us an example of the type of thoughts about tomorrow or the next hour or next month? What is the quality of those thoughts?

Very negative. What if something happens to my health? What if something happens with my heart? What if I have somebody get upset with me over a project that I did for them? What if someone’s not happy with something that I’ve done? What if I don’t get this all completed in time?

So your what if questions seem to set up the problem. You know, we can ask what if questions which are positive and optimistic. What if I do a great job? What if I fall in love tomorrow? What if I win the lotto? But your what ifs are joined or trained toward negativity, maybe calamity or catastrophe?

Absolutely, catastrophe.

Liz, do you have any idea of what has occurred in your life that aligns your fearful thoughts about the future? Do you have any sense of where that all started?

I think so. I’m a little unsure though.

Well, please share whatever idea that you might have.

Sure. So, you know, my father was sick for most of my life, and I constantly saw him struggle. And it was kind of one thing after the other. And I was kind of always waiting for that next thing to happen, which it did. And you know, I think it has something to do with the fact that I went through all that for years. And it was the same type of thing over and over again.

So this is this had an enormous impact on you. I don’t know if you’ve read my book or not, but I refer to these as wave collapses. Wave collapse refers to an event in your life, which constrained or blocked your possibilities, your state of potential. Some people have wave collapses that are just a moment in time, something traumatic. But what you’re describing would be a chronic wave collapse that you are dealing with your father’s health and fears about his well-being for how long, Liz?

Since I was in seventh grade, and I’m 35 now, so quite a long time.

Is your dad still alive?

Yes, he is. And he’s better and well.

So you experienced a chronic recurring of wave collapses as you worried about whether he will be okay?

Yes, correct.

So arguably, if you hadn’t had that kind of experience, you might not be talking to me now. You set up a groove in your thoughts where your thought seeks fear. And in this case, your thought sounds like it’s making things up. It’s making things up again in a somewhat catastrophic way, whereby a future event that you’re worried about is going to turn negative. So there are two things happening. As I have been sharing throughout this episode, fear of uncertainty creates anxiety. Now the uncertainty that you’re talking about and we’re discussing could be calamitous, but there is no way that we can ascertain the future with confidence. All we can do is be present in the moment. And in the moment, things sound like they’re relatively okay to you, aren’t they?

Absolutely.

So the problem is your thought is going off and trying not only to calculate the future, but it sounds like your thought is actually conjuring up bad results in that future, aren’t they?

Yes. Now, have you had any success in any of the methods that I’ve spoken about,
if you’re familiar with them, whereby you learn to see the thought and you stop yourself and you say, it’s just a thought and you see it and you say, it’s just a thought. And that may take you hundreds of times or thousands of times, but you’re creating a new muscle memory whereby you don’t actually become the thought, it’s just a thought. And you think to yourself, old thought, it’s going to cause me fear. I won’t detach. I’m going to release it. Have you tried that method?

I have, but not enough. And you were the one who introduced me to it.

Okay. So it’s actually a muscle memory whereby when I encourage people to do this, they may come back into a session with me or a phone call and they say, you know, I tried it 50 times. I saw my thought 50 times, but I haven’t succeeded. Well, it may require 500 times. Nobody can really determine how many times must you see the thought and separate to actually break free and have success. So all I can say is it sounds like you have cut off the process prematurely. In other words, until you succeed, we don’t want to stop. So just continue to see the thought. Some people actually put their forefinger vertically over their lips and just go to the thought. It’s just a thought. That thought is causing you immense apprehension and anxiety, and it’s not allowing you to actually remain present in the moment. So as you know, as well as I do, you’re having an incalculable amount of wasted moments in your life worrying about the future, which thankfully doesn’t play out the way you’re worried about. Does that sound accurate?

A hundred percent, Mel.

Okay. So Liz, what you need to do is say to yourself, the more I can see my thought and stop and not become the thought, the more that you can do that, the farther along you’re going to be in this process. You further the process by seeing it and releasing it. So you may recall from having heard previous podcasts or reading my book that when you can see your thought and not become the thought, that’s what I call thinking. There’s a moment when you’re thinking and you see the thought that you create a space for a new experience. So let’s imagine in a moment you have a worrisome thought about tomorrow. You stop, you pause, you say to yourself, ah, old thought, fearful thought, not going to go for the bait, not going to become that thought and pause. Let that space of possibility wash over you. Now new thinking would be that old thought is not going to do me any good. I don’t want to rob the moment I’m in. I’ll deal with whatever happens tomorrow, next hour, next week. When things happen, I’ll deal with them. But why do I want to waste my time and corrupt my life experience by contemplating fearful things that very often are never going to happen? Start your day, Liz, just practicing your thought and not just fearful thought, any thought that will enhance your ability to develop a muscle memory and also recall your insight. It’s your childhood experience around the illness of your dad that set up this worrisome feature. You don’t need that anymore. It doesn’t serve you any longer. Does that make sense to you?

Yes, Mel. Thank you so much.

Liz, one more question. Do you have anxiety around something that is not based on the future moment? That’s a tough question. In the present moment that you’re in, do you fare well in that present moment?

Not all the time. No.

So can you see your thoughts driving you toward negativity and fear?

I can.

Have you tried that method of seeing the fearful thought and just saying to yourself, shh, I don’t need you? Or saying to yourself, old thought, don’t judge the old thought. Don’t judge the fearful thought. Just see it. Let it pass over you and watch it drift away. And just try to recalculate so that your experience of being in the present moment grounds you.

Great. I would love to try this method, Mel. I remember I tried this a few times and then kind of gave up because I got agitated that it wasn’t really working. But I think I need to continue to practice. As you said, it’s a muscle. So it needs to constantly be worked on.

By the way, and it’s not a start and finish process because as you achieve this and accomplish this, you always want the ability to see your thought. So as an exercise, say to yourself, when you become aware of a fearful, anxious thought, say to yourself or out loud, if you’re alone, say to yourself, I’m having a thought. It’s an old thought. And my thought is having me fearful or worried about tomorrow or next week. Actually say it that way so you can see that thought is representing something fearful. It’s not in actuality. It’s your thought presenting fear. So stay with it and I’m sure you will succeed.

Thank you so much, Mel. This was wonderful. I appreciate your time and assistance.

My pleasure, Liz.

So folks, we can see that if reality is uncertain and you continue to seek certainty, you will become dysfunctional and anxious. So paradoxically, we must embrace uncertainty. After all, why is the word uncertain a negative? Think about that. For Mary, uncertainty about her future would be far better than certainty about the present. The very fact that uncertain has a negative aspect to it speaks to how our cultural indoctrination keeps us stuck in certainty. But how do we accomplish this? Let’s roll up our sleeves and take a look now at how we move forward.

Reality constantly flows, but we don’t. This new picture of reality, which is flowing and possibility laden, how do we join in to embrace uncertainty? We need to change our relationship with our thoughts. So how do we make this shift? Beliefs and old thoughts keep us stuck. Some of you may have heard me say this before, and I will reiterate it. The most important relationship you will ever have is not with your children, your parents, your spouse, your best friends, your partner. The relationship that will impact you far more than any other relationship is with your thoughts. But we never learned how to master our thinking and our relationship with our thoughts.

So let’s move toward how we get unstuck. We have to develop a muscle memory which allows us to see our thought. You see, if you don’t see your thought, you become your thought. In this case, we’re talking about fearful thought. But if I can see my thought, that’s what I call thinking. And if I can see my thought, I don’t need to become that thought. Take a moment and envision a fearful thought that you have often that brings up anxiety and fear. Now look at it and imagine saying to yourself, saying to the thought, shh, quiet down. It’s just a thought. That is thinking. Thinking is the moment of freedom that separates you from your thought. Developing this muscle memory, being able to see your thought is an exceptionally essential tool in breaking free not only from anxiety, but frombeing able to master your life. Throughout the course of your day, try an exercise whereby you simply check in and ask yourself what was the last thought that I had. Don’t judge it. Don’t evaluate it. Just see it. Develop that muscle memory. And then think to yourself, I am the thinker of that thought. That allows you wisdom.

Again, see the disturbing thought, in this case, fear of the future, anything setting up anxiety and distress, and just quiet the thought and say, shh, and release it. Envision it going down that river that I spoke of earlier. Those old fearful thoughts, no different than Liz had described in her phone call to me, they keep knocking at your door. But when you hear someone knock at the door, you don’t have to answer it. Now the technique for doing this is to be able to start to language it differently.

You see, thought is literal. It tricks us into this telling us the truth. What we want to do is see how the thought tricks us. And so you might say to yourself, I’m having a thought and it’s telling me. For instance, Mary, I’m having a thought which is telling me I don’t know who I would be as a divorced woman. She has separated from the thought if she says that. She’s having a thought. And then we could say, okay, here’s a different thought. I know who I am as a miserably unhappy married woman. Anxious thoughts trick us in that they are literal thoughts. They are telling you the truth about something, but it is not the truth. And the old thought does defend its territory. So you may be having the thought right now, this sounds hard to do. How do you know? Have you ever tried it? That is an example of old thought defending its territory.

Look at the thought, don’t become the thought. Now you may have another thought which is, this is not as easy as Mel is saying. Well, many of you go to the gym, work out, perhaps strenuously. You embrace the discomfort of working out physically to get the benefits for your body and for your health. What if we did the same in our lives? What if we embrace the discomfort to break out of our old familiar zone so we could grow? That creates possibilities. Quantum physics reveals that reality is in the state of perpetual potential. Everything is just waiting to potentialize and all possibilities are waiting to be summoned moment by moment.

I had a thought years ago, the same is true for us. In the nanosecond between our thoughts, we exist in a state of absolute potential. But if we keep being blinded and habituated to the same old thoughts, we can never reach those new possibilities. If you’re feeling anxious, fearful, pause and ask yourself what thought you had that set up that feeling. Thought and feeling operate together. My belief is that thought precedes feeling. So you can track back and find the thought and say, it was just a thought. Many people think that we’re hardwired. Again that comes from 17th century Newtonian thinking. We are not hardwired. Our thoughts and our feelings leave their imprint on our brain. It’s not the other way around. You can learn to get unstuck by embracing uncertainty. If everything in reality appears to be in flow, in perpetual movement, we must flow too or we will dysfunction. When we analyze too much, live in life again like we’re in a chess match, get lost in measuring or fearful thought, we are not in the flow and we are not present. We miss the magic that life can offer.

So I’m proposing a new game plan for life. One based upon the new sciences. One in which we embrace and accept with relish the reality of uncertainty instead of avoiding it. You cannot ride the waves of change at the same time that you try to avoid change. Everything is in flow. The old rule book for living causes us to lose wonder, enchantment and curiosity as we get stuck in the groove of certainty. I took all of these principles from quantum physics and I applied them to my life and to my work and I’ve had tremendous results.

Few last thoughts on this. We often have an intention to make change. Around the time of the new year, we may even set intentions and make new year’s resolutions. Why do they not succeed? Well intention is not enough. We need to have what I call willful intention. Imagine that you’re out on a sailboat at sea and the mast is down, the sail is down, but you want to move so you hoist the sail. That’s your intention to move. But you’re not going to move without wind. In your own lives, the willfulness is the wind. The wind in this case is your embrace of uncertainty. So think about it. Would you rather remain in a reality that pictures the universe as cold, deterministic, disconnected and inhospitable for us? Or would you rather open up to a wondrous, connected, possibility-laden adventure of life and live your life as an adventure without fear? Choose your worldview and you’ve chosen your life experience. This embrace of uncertainty frees us from the harness of anxiety, lets us join in the flow of possibilities. To envision and actualize the future you long for, you must re-envision uncertainty and turn it into your ally. How you choose to experience the next moment is your choosing, not reacting. You see, once you’re no longer a victim of your thoughts and imprisoned by them, but the thinker of your life, this allows you to be present and to evoke possibility. You can make this a defining moment for you.

Now the work and commitment to proceed with this is right in front of you. The four takeaways from today’s episode are, embrace what makes you feel uncomfortable. Two, welcome uncertainty. Three, watch your old thoughts and see how they defend their territory. And four, embrace the new thinking. Quick fixes don’t work, but making a bold statement to yourself that I am choosing to overcome distress, anxiety, and fear, and I will follow a new path forward and commit to it, will allow you not only to overcome anxiety and distress, but to thoroughly flourish in your life experience.

We’ll be discussing anxiety some more in future episodes as we look at different aspects, low self-esteem, too much analyzing, the tendency of our mind to fracture a wholeness, or all other important considerations.

Wishing you a full embrace of uncertainty and a reaching of the possibilities in your life. Until next time, be well.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel at melschwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts and that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #137 Overcome Anxiety first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

The Turning Point: Science, Society, and the Rising Culture

View Details

In The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz 136, I ask: can we stop measuring, quantifying, comparing, and rating our experiences?

Rating and measuring is another kind of judgement: judgement of others; judgement of ourselves. It helps us define things and maintain that safe, comfortable certainty that might seem beneficial… but what about curiosity? Wonder? Awe?

Let’s look at why an obsession with measurement and quantification is actually counter to our mental and emotional help, and talk about some alternatives ways of living and thinking.

I’d love to hear what you think! Be sure to leave a comment with your own thoughts and questions!

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #136Hello everybody and welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Hello. A few days ago, I was meandering down the streets and alleys of old historical Charleston, which is where I’m currently living. And every 50 or 100 feet, you’ll come past a remarkable old home with some signage up front commemorating the history of that home. Who built it? Who founded it? Who handed it down to whom? What was their relevance historically during the era of the American Revolution? Sometimes before that time, sometimes shortly after.

And I began to think about it, how different it was to walk past these homes and look at the history. Imagine what it was like to live there, to live those lives. What a feeling. How different it is than walking through other neighborhoods in this country. Many of those neighborhoods I used to reside in.

Well, when you walk past a home, the conversation was, what do you think it’s worth? What would it sell for? What did they pay for it? What do you think the profit would be? When we look that way, what we’re doing is measuring and quantifying. We’re not looking at the historical significance, considering the lives of the people who live there. We live in a culture now that so prioritizes that which we can measure, that which we can quantify. It actually overwhelms the way we think.

Quantifying, think about rankings. You’re going to choose a new restaurant to eat in or perhaps visit a new doctor. We look at the Google reviews. How many stars did they get? What’s their ranking? What’s their rating? How much is a quantification?

Children, kids in school, what are their grades? What will those grades enable them to do in terms of what colleges they will get into? What were your SAT scores or ACT scores?

Our health of course is quantified by lab results and I understand that we need to do that, but there’s no quantification. There’s no measurement for happiness or for love. You see the really important things in life are things we can’t quantify. The quantifying is often about winning or losing.

Many years ago I was working with a young man who was a nationally ranked tennis player. I should say nationally seeded tennis player. I was curious and I asked him if he had played any other sports and he said no, never did. And I asked him why not? He said well I wasn’t good enough.

See there’s the measuring. I wasn’t good enough to play other sports. How about the enjoyment of playing other sports even if you’re not good? I shared with him that when I was young I loved playing baseball. I was average, maybe slightly above average. If I were living his life where everything is quantified and measured I never would have played baseball. What a loss that would have been.

How good are you at it? How are you measuring yourself? In my therapy practice I have at times counseled people who are really focused on their tennis game and what gets in the way of their enjoying that tennis game and actually paradoxically gets in their way of improving is their measuring of themselves. You can’t be in the flow of an activity and measure yourself. So the irony is to excel you need to be in flow. You can’t be in flow if you’re measuring yourself.

This adage in our culture that we always need to do our best. Always in the word always. If you always need to do your best that’s a compulsion. It’s a pathology. Shouldn’t there be times when you don’t have to do your best? Doing your best is a measurement isn’t it? Why do you always have to do your best? Why do you always have to measure yourself? Should you always do your best and feel neurotic about it? What would the sacrifice be for doing that?

The measuring of yourself does harm to yourself. Now I am not proposing that we shouldn’t set goals for ourselves and try to improve and succeed but the inner measuring of ourselves can be destructive because we’re both the measured and the measure at the same time. In other words it causes us to fragment from our own self measuring ourselves.

Let’s come back to the culture as a whole. The measuring is so pervasive. We look at polling as we are coming upon a new presidential election and I understand we need to look at polls to get some sense of value around where things are headed but there’s this pervasive measuring good, best, better. How much money have I earned this year? Am I earning more next year? Is my net worth increasing, flat or decreasing?

Often we want to know those things but to get lost in the measurement is to lose the flow of life. What are the goals in life? Health, happiness, joy, thriving in relationships? Those values have nothing or little to do with measuring. So my argument here is that this perverse measuring, quantifying of everything removes us, it diverts us from the true joys of life. The quantification of life. Life becomes a game to win, challenges to transcend and overcome but the quantification of our lives leaves no space for our heart, for our soul, for our well-being, for compassion, for empathy, the values that make lives thrive and provide connections with one another.

I might also suggest that we lose our connectivity to nature and we lose our connectivity to one another when our thoughts are constantly quantifying and measuring. Go out for a walk, I find myself doing this, I’m measuring how fast am I running. I get why I want to achieve, I want to get my heart rate up, I want to build my physical resilience but could I ever just take a run for the joy of taking a run? Could I ever not turn on my devices and measure how well did I do?

There needs to be balance and that balance in some ways requires our being aware of our measuring and quantifying everything or too much, taking a step back and saying to ourselves stop measuring and just start being.

Let’s reach a balance between the necessary pieces of measurement, quantifying and those pieces that are excessive and not necessary. Being at one with yourself, being present, being truly present in the conversation with another requires no quantifying and no measuring. So just think about it, try to notice your thoughts tendency to measure and quantify and step back and think to yourself I don’t need to go there that often, I can go there selectively but to go there in a compulsive way where my mind is entrained to always measure I lose myself, I lose my connection to wonder, curiosity.

Think about wondering curiosity, there’s no measuring there. When we have conversations with others do we often ask or think to ourselves I wonder what they meant by that, do I ask? Probably not, you see wondering curiosity have been subordinated as a value and they’ve been replaced by predictability, determinism, measurement, quantifying.

You know you’ve heard me speak so much about determinism and seeking certainty, there’s a measuring in that. If I can collect enough data I can predict the future. Well good luck with that, you can but even if you can it means you’re not present, you’re off trying to predict the future event when you ever really hear. The wonder being present, there’s no measurement in there.

So I hope some of the thoughts I’m sharing with you today can provide some insights, some new framework, a shift in the way you think and quiet down that rambunctious noise that makes us measure far too much.

Until next time embrace some uncertainty, seek some possibilities, quiet your measuring and be well. Bye for now.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel at melschwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts and that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #136 Stop the Measuring! first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz 135 looks at the term “codependence.” Can we agree on a meaning of that word?

“Codependence” is a made-up word, as are all terms related to psychology and mental health. But “codependence,” in particular, has entered the vernacular to such a degree it may have drifted from its originally intended meaning.

So, what do we mean by “codependence?” Can we reclaim the word and associate it with positive, balanced interpersonal relationships?

All this and more in this episode! I’d love to hear what you think! Be sure to leave a comment with your own thoughts and questions!

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #135Hello everybody and welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Hello everyone. This episode is entitled, What in the hell do we mean by the term codependence? What triggered my thoughts, perspectives on this term codependence came from reading an article in The Atlantic Magazine recently called “The Myth of Codependence” by Elisa Strauss. I do recommend reading the article.

Codependence is a term no different than narcissistic is a term. We tend to use these terms in generalized, nonspecific, and wrong-minded ways. The term just takes on a life unto itself. It enters as a meme, a regular piece of our capillary, and it loses all meaning. Remember my position always is we make these words and terms up to start with. It’s really essential that we ask each other and ourselves, what do I mean by this term? Otherwise we’re just throwing around labels, creating more confusion and more disorientation.

So let’s begin. Codependence is not a diagnostic term in the DSM, the psychiatric Bible of diagnosis. Does not appear. Narcissism does appear in many different forms. Codependence, let’s look at the term at its basis. Aren’t we all codependent? We are dependent on any number of things, but we’re talking here about relationships with each other.

What does codependent mean? Well, love is codependence, isn’t it? If you love one another, you kind of beat as one, at least to an extent or a healthy extent. You’re not okay if the other one isn’t okay. Is that a healthy codependence? Well, love wouldn’t exist with that healthy degree of entanglement or engagement with each other. Otherwise we’d be separate objects. There wouldn’t be love.

Now, the way we use the term codependent varies. I believe at the heart of the term codependence is the notion that you may be too dependent. And if you’re too dependent, you’re out of balance. You don’t have a sufficient sense of your own self, or there’s been a loss of your own self or a marginalizing of your own self. So people who see themselves as being in a codependent relationship often see the other, their partner, their spouse, as too controlling, too manipulative. So it requires a balancing.

By the way, codependence doesn’t require a romantic relationship. There can be friendships that are out of balance and they’re codependent. Familial relationships, the whole aspect of codependence may have had its roots in our sense of attachment or lack of attachment in childhood. A baby, a child, a young child is of course codependent. That’s an attachment, a healthy attachment. And only through a healthy attachment and progression through it do we move on to the place that Carl Jung referred to as individuation, which is as young adults, we may love and care for our family and our parents, but we move out into the world okay on our own. It’s a sense of being autonomous.

But in relationships, romantic relationships in particular, there’s this sense of my other half. We’ve talked about this. I’m a half moon. I meet with another half moon to complete myself. Well, that certainly is a codependence. I’m not okay on my own.

I wrote an article many, many years ago entitled, Are You Independent, Dependent, or Autonomous? I made these terms up in relation to one another. An independent person isn’t sufficiently vulnerable or present to engage in a really intimate relationship, an emotionally intimate relationship. A dependent individual will of course be codependent. They’re only okay if they feel loved, appreciated, and liked by the other, which means you’re sabotaging your own sense of self to elicit the feelings you need from the other.

At the heart, that speaks to me of codependence. The goal is to reach the third category, autonomous. I’m good with me. I’m working on me. I am an evolving human being, and I am fully available and prepared to relate deeply and intimately with another. Two autonomous people are safe from concerns of being codependent.

But ask yourself this, do I try to fix other people’s problems? Why do I do that? Well, with all things, it’s the measure and the degree. If I care for people and try to help them with their problems, that sounds healthy. But if I need with a capital N to fix other people’s problems, I’ve set up a kind of reverse codependence. I’m only okay with me if I’m helping you. People in relationships with or who have family members who have addiction may suffer in a codependence. How are they doing with their addiction? Are they doing better? Does it look like there’s success on the way? Of course, that’s going to impact you. You see, it’s all about balance between self and other. Again, go back to that visual of being on a seesaw. It’s okay to be slightly higher or slightly lower as long as we’re vacillating and there’s a middle ground.

But relationships are enmeshed. They are about a shared energy. We should be impacted by each other, but not to the extent that the impact knocks us out of balance with our own self and that we’re trying to elicit or solicit certain feelings who make us okay with our own self.

Don’t use the term codependent. Instead, explain how you feel. I’m feeling unloved or I’m feeling needy of your love. Don’t label yourself or the other person. Labels turn everything into a dumbing down conversation. Remember, love is a feeling of oneness. But in that oneness, you are two autonomous individuals who have emerged and merged into this feeling of love and oneness. Don’t confuse oneness with a lack of self, with a lack of individuation. A healthy loving relationship requires two individuals who have individuated successfully so they feel at one with themselves.

Now, there is an aspect of codependence, the term codependence, which has very much to do with the traditional role of the woman in our culture, which feminism brings to light. You see, if you don’t love me and I want to feel loved, am I then codependent? And do I need to look at the relationship through that filter? Or is there a fear of abandonment? And at the heart of that is also the question of, am I lovable? Now, the shift in the feminist archetype has been that a woman is no longer solely responsible for the children and the home. The feminist mystique has moved into the archetype of autonomy. And this has created a shift in the traditional roles between partners.

Another way of looking at codependence is the term mutual reliance. What do we mean by mutual reliance? Well, we are reliant on each other for different things. But how deeply reliant, reliance can slip into dependency. I’m reliant. I have an expectation that you’re going to be honest and truthful and supportive and available for me in a reasonable way. And you of me as well. That’s a mutual reliance.

But again, the word reliance can slip into dependence. So ultimately, the question is, are we healthy, autonomous individuals? And if we are, that sets up an interdependence. I am okay with me. You are okay with you. And we impact each other. There’s a shared energy. There is an interdependence. If something happens to our relationship, that may cause grief, fear, upset, but we will both be okay.

So again, the takeaway for this conversation around codependence, let’s be cautious about using these terms. Let’s not use them in a literal way. Are you codependent? Where there’s an objective reality. Instead ask yourself, do I feel codependent? Do I hesitate to share how I feel out of a concern for how I’m going to be seen by my partner, my lover, my daughter, my father? Do I feel free to express myself notwithstanding how the other person may respond to me? That’s a healthy autonomy. And that is very, very different than feeling codependent. Careful with these labels. Try to express yourself through subjective feelings and let go of the diagnostic terminology.

Well, until next time, be well, wishing you enlightenment and reaching all those possibilities that you deserve in your life. Bye for now.

The post #135 What in the Hell Do We Mean by the Term Codependence? first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 134, let’s revisit the difference between our body, our brain, and our mind.

Are you your thoughts? Or are you your mind?

Can you learn to see your own thoughts in the nano-second before they become your reality?

Is there really a mind-body connection, or is the concept itself based on a flawed assumption?

All this and more in this episode! I’d love to hear what you think! Be sure to leave a comment with your own thoughts and questions!

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #134Hello everybody and welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Hello everyone. I want to speak with you today about the concept of mind, this word mind. As with so many words, we don’t really have a shared meaning. What does the word mind actually mean? You know, if we don’t come to a shared meaning about something, we’re speaking in a fragmented, incomprehensible way. You must stop and ask each other, what do you mean? A room full of people, even a room full of consciousness scientists probably couldn’t agree as to what they mean by the word mind. This concept of mind remains vague. We receive no education about it and so it remains elusive.

And this, which is arguably in my opinion, our most precious gift, our mind, it kind of lies fallow, uncultivated, because we don’t even agree as to what we mean. Mind, I believe, and all of my thoughts from here on in are my thoughts, mind is a magical vessel through which we shape and then form our identity, our own identity. And mind sets up our experience of other people and all that surrounds us. We take it all for granted as if it all exists independent of mind.

I propose nothing exists independent of mind. You know, the absence of an awareness of mind is like you’re born with your eyes shut, that we never knew those eyes could open. And so we went through life without seeing because we didn’t know our eyes could open. So we remain illiterate and unschooled in harnessing the power of our minds because we don’t explore the concept of mind. And as a result, our struggles with self-doubt, fear, frustration, anger, conflict, it all damages our ability to experience the serenity, the love and the harmony that could be our birthright because we have not come into a harmony with mind.

Living without a proper appreciation of mind leaves us shackled by ignorance. Mind constructs hatred, violence, failed communication, conflicted relationships. Mind created global warming and on and on.

What do I mean by that? Well it’s mind that conceived of exploiting resources in a grossly imbalanced way that would lead to climate change, to global warming. Mind creates war. Mind creates hatred. Mind creates love. Virtually every challenge we face in life is informed, influenced and impacted by our mind. The mind is the heartbeat of awareness and without a healthy understanding of mind, your mind, my mind, we simply cannot live life to its fullest. Learning to know and master your mind opens the gateway to navigate and thrive in your life.

So we begin with a shared meaning, a subjective description of what I mean by the words and terms that I’m using.

Let’s begin by my stipulating what I don’t mean by mind. Many people equate mind with your brain. I see your brain as biological organ, not the source for your potential wisdom from which you can navigate the course of life. The brain is where your thoughts and feelings leave their mark. The brain is not the source of your awareness. In my book, The Possibility Principle, I wrote, imagine walking at the beach, barefoot in the sand and looking behind you and seeing the imprint your foot left in the sand. Now think of the sand as the brain. The brain didn’t create the footprint. Your foot left its impression in the sand. Your thoughts and feelings leave their impression on your mind, on your brain. But mind is much more than brain. Mind is a biological organ which processes and gives us capacity for intelligence, for communication. Many people confuse mind with being the same as our thoughts. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Many thought leaders, motivational pundits, and best-selling authors offer little distinction between thoughts and mind, or even between thoughts and thinking. As I have pointed out many times, thoughts happen instantly beyond our perception. Without our perception, they inform us falsely of truth. Thoughts trick us in that they’re telling us the truth. They’re just thoughts.

Thinking is the ability to step back and see your thoughts operating, see your feelings operating and that allows a sense of me that is more than my thoughts and feelings. That’s a portal and an access to mind. How can we possibly move forward in pursuit of enlightenment and personal growth without actually clarifying what we mean by each of these words? It’s kind of like if you’re playing a game of Scrabble without agreement as to what letters constituted the word. That game wouldn’t go very far. It would get all scrambled up and lead to incoherence. That’s what happens with our thoughts and with our shared meaning.

Thoughts happen to us. They are impressions made upon our awareness that we may or may not be aware of. They are ancient in our own being. They are habitual. We have had similar thoughts thousands, tens of thousands, perhaps millions of times. We have thoughts nearly every moment. Most of them seem similar and if you really consider them or try to note them, you’ll find they appear commonplace, often repetitive. Thoughts tend to be old, even habitual. You may have a new twist on an old thought as circumstances change, but thoughts tend to tunnel in a common refrain.

Want to see your thoughts? Okay, pause and ask yourself, what is the thought you’re having right now? As I’m speaking in this moment, what is the thought you’re having? Notice what your thought’s telling you. Don’t judge the thought, just note it. Write it down. Come back to it later and see what the thought was telling you. Now thoughts and feelings are part of a continuum. One washes on to the other, like a wave unfolding onto shore and then tucking back in and out and unfolding as it goes back out to sea. Picture that imagery, the wave coming into shore. It becomes manifest. What David Bohm spoke of as explicate, explicate and manifest are the same. Then it tucks back in and unfolds and goes back out to sea and it’s implicate and unhidden. There’s a dance between the implicate and the explicate.

I believe the thought ordinarily precedes feeling. But of course the feeling slips right back in and then forms the next thought. They work as a continuum. And this pattern explains why we get stuck in particular moods. Learning to see your thoughts is a crucial first step in this journey toward the mind.

You may wonder where do these thoughts come from? They come from many places but in particular they come from your life experiences and your beliefs. They are the source of your thoughts. These beliefs, though so critically important in framing your personal reality, for the most part go unexamined and unquestioned. How often do you ask yourself, how did I come to this belief? Why do I believe it to be true? That is the essence of critical thinking. Once we step back and evaluate our beliefs and thoughts, we open to new experience, to new awareness. We can rise above the dictates of beliefs and thoughts, which then frees us to become the masters of our mind.

So mind lies well above thoughts and feelings. The difference again between thoughts and thinking. Thinking speaks to my learned ability to step back and see my thoughts occurring, to see what they are telling me. Thinking allows for a sense of me to arise that is larger than my thoughts and larger than my feelings. Learning how to see your thoughts and feelings frees you from becoming reactive. Thinking creates a space between your thoughts so you become sovereign above thoughts and feelings.

Some of you may appreciate what I’m describing right now as you notice your thoughts, but those of you who don’t, don’t worry, this is a process. You’ll get there. Our change process, real change, generally springs from thinking. Thinking activates new insights and deeper levels of awareness. As a culture, we have been trained since 17th century to see and think in a very fragmented way, seeing only small bits of the big picture.

For example, we speak of what people call the mind-body problem, which in recent times has evolved into the mind-body connection. Although this advances our understanding that separated parts, mind and body, are connected, we still see them as separate. But why would we think of mind and body as separate? You see the word connection, taking two things that are not separate, that we severed and split off, but we now found a connection that limits our mind’s ability to see wholeness. When our thoughts only see the separate, fractured parts and not the whole, they construct false truths and that blocks our innate, deeper understanding, our spiritual quest, our innate intelligence and our connectivity to other people. Thinking from wholeness is the portal into your higher mind. Your mind can then access the field of wisdom, which interfaces with innate connectivity. When you activate the power of mind, you tap into oneness with everything, with the universe and all of its infinite resources.

Mind describes the integration of our entire being, the eyes through which we see, the heart through which we feel, the wisdom that flows from joining with the universe and the innate knowing that awaits us. This is a journey into the power of your mind.

In our next episode, I will dive deeper into how to defragment your thoughts, defragment your mind and come into a coherence or wholeness, which is ultimately the most valuable quest that we can experience in my not so humble opinion. And that’s where love resides, romantic love, love for ourselves, love for nature, love for the planet, simply love.

Until next time, look at those fragmented thoughts that are desultory and trick us into false realities. Get to your thoughts, say shh to those thoughts and try to access a higher mind. We’ll go further with this in our next episode. Wishing you well-being and access to your higher mind. Bye for now.

The post #134 The Power of Mind first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 133 is another bonus episode: a conversation you may not have heard between Christian de la Huerta and me at the Leaders Transforming Global Consciousness Summit 2022.

In this episode, Christian and I work through how the principles of quantum physics can apply to therapy, self-esteem, education, relationships, and every aspect of your lives.

I’d love to hear what you think! Be sure to leave a comment with your own thoughts and questions!

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #133MEL: Hello everybody and welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

CHRISTIAN: A few months ago, I was interviewed by our guest today on his show, The Possibility Podcast, and we had such an interesting, stimulating conversation that I wanted to share his work with you. So, without further ado, Mel Schwartz is a psychotherapist, two-time TEDx speaker, he’s the author most recently of The Possibility Principle, how quantum physics can improve the way you think, live, and love. He’s got a graduate degree from Columbia University, has written over 100 articles read by more than 7 million people, and is also a member of the International Society for Consciousness Studies. So, welcome Mel.

MEL: Well, thank you, Christian. I’m looking forward to getting back into the flow of consciousness with you.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, yeah, we sure did surf an interesting time together on that interview. So you write that we cannot transform what we see as out there until we come to an inner ecology of mind, which I love the way that you express yourself and the way that you capture these principles. What does that mean to you, an inner ecology of the mind?

MEL: Well, firstly, I have to give credit to the great social scientist, Gregory Bateson, for coining that phrase. At least I believe he coined it. You may have had a book by the same title, An Inner Ecology of Mind, which struck me. You know, one of the problems that pervades our world and our consciousness is this sense of separation, or what David Bohm called fragmentation. How can we expect to have environmental sensibility and a healthy ecology in what is outside of us when in fact our mind suffers from the absence of an inner ecology? So what we see, what we think we see, what consciousness is thoroughly participates in creating what we call out there. I frankly don’t believe it’s out there or in here. These are false distinctions. But for the sake of rational communication, we still make those distinctions.

MEL: So here’s an example. I believe I cite this in my book. Decades ago, the FDA in the United States decided that a particular pesticide was too toxic to allow the sale of in the United States. The pesticides were carcinogenic. However, they had no objection to shipping the product to Mexico. Now, did it occur to them that this pesticide would be sprayed on the crops in Mexico and exported back to the United States? That’s the absence of an inner ecology of mind. But more fundamentally, our minds operate from this illusion of separation, which comes from 17th century thinking. And through that illusion or delusion, it drives mind to think it’s okay to exploit, to exploit resources, to exploit one another, to compete individualistically in this random breakneck way. So out of that exploiting of the other, whether it be a people, a nation, a culture, or nature itself, we have the ecological disaster. But it begins with mind.

MEL: Now we see in indigenous peoples, historically and still presently, an ecology of mind. Famously, the Native Americans’ tradition was that whatever action they took, they would think seven generations forward as to how it might impact their lineage and their world and their environment. That’s an inner ecology of mind. It’s thinking beyond the minute and the specific, and it’s rippling out toward the whole. That’s a brief summation of what I mean by that term.

CHRISTIAN: No, that’s great, and it’s stuff that we’ve heard before from a spiritual perspective, like as above, so below, as within, so without. But what I love about your work is that you’re actually weaving in these concepts of quantum physics to help us understand and relate to these what up to now have been spiritual concepts. So say a little bit more about the 17th century worldview, because if you would have asked me when that split happened, I would have thought it was before that, that the split between the physical and the quote-unquote spiritual, from which stems this relationship to ourselves and to our bodies and to the planet where we otherize it and we have this artificial separation from each other. I thought that started, you know, before maybe the beginning of the patriarchy. So what exactly happened in the 17th century that heightened that or intensified that?

MEL: Well, you might be quite right. It may very well have begun earlier. I don’t have expertise as to that, but it makes sense to me. When I speak of 17th century thinking, I’m referring specifically to Newton and Descartes. Incredible to me that in an era where people were not reading books and there was no dissemination of information through technology, with the thinking and writing of two men, which so impact the way we think centuries later. Brief summation, Newton described reality as a giant machine, otherwise known as a machine-like reality or universe. Mechanism is a reference to that. In this machine-like reality, it’s comprised of parts. A machine has parts. The parts are separate and distinct from each other, and they only interact through force, causality, cause and effect. There’s no connection, let alone the notion of inseparability.

MEL: So the objects are separate and distinct. Now over time, it is my belief that we became the cogs in that machine. We began to see each other through difference rather than sameness, through separation, which led to a loss of empathy and compassion, which require wholeness and oneness. Furthermore, Newton provided us with the notion of determinism. If we have enough data, we might reasonably predict the future. This reliance on determinism came to have us abhor uncertainty. Uncertainty is the opposite of determinism. So with determinism, we analyze things to death. Analysis paralysis is a term people use now. The fear of making a mistake. You know, if you’re playing a chess match and you’re sitting back and calculating your moves, that makes sense. But if you’re living life that way, it doesn’t work. So I’m fond now of saying you can’t be in fear and in flow at the same time.

MEL: Now coming back to the science, determinism created this need to predict. Now quantum physics reveals that reality is thoroughly uncertain, discovered by Heisenberg in 1927 and providing us with the uncertainty principle. So I want to share with everybody that I don’t understand science, and I was not even an average science student. It is simply these principles that profoundly impacted me. You mentioned the Society for Consciousness Studies, of which I’m a member. I do not belong in this society. They’re brilliant academics and scientists, and I have no idea what they’re talking about scientifically. But they look to me for the takeaway. Perhaps I’m a social scientist.

MEL: So I came to see that our addiction to certainty and predictability are the cause of anxiety. When we need to know a future which is unknowable, then that creates fear. Our thought attaching to fear, what will happen, results in anxiety. So I developed an approach and a method and gave a TEDx talk on the fact that if we paradoxically or counterintuitively embrace uncertainty, then we get to navigate change in our lives. We are, again, the word I’m using today, we are in the flow. Antithetical to Newton’s 17th century predictability and determinism.

MEL: Coming back to the machine-like universe, cogs in the machine, separate and discrete from each other, I believe that led essentially to the loss of oneness. It led to the loss of compassion and empathy, and the resulting exploitation of resources and people. The extreme of individualism, which becomes the credo of cultures, certainly American and Western culture to a large extent, which has decimated us.

CHRISTIAN: Yes, yes. And so in alignment with your teachings about uncertainty, if there’s anything that we can be certain about, it’s uncertainty. That life is going to continue throwing curveballs our way, that we just, there’s no way to predict, there’s no way to see coming, including a global pandemic that maybe, I don’t know, five people on the planet foresaw. And so yeah, that feels disempowering and scary. But here’s what I’ve landed on and what I weave into my teachings and my clients, coaching with my clients that, all right, so that’s a fact, right? Life is going to continue throwing curveballs our way. That we can do nothing about. And what we can do something about is how we show up in response to those curveballs. And even just with that slight reframe, it pops us out of that helplessness victim mindset, what life did to me, me versus the world. And it pops us more into our own agency and personal empowerment. So let’s talk a little bit into uncertainty. That’s one of the three core principles that you write about. Let’s talk a little bit about quantum inseparability, which you alluded to. But tell us a little bit more deeply what it is, and how can it be applied toward healing that fragmentation of the 17th century paradigm that you so eloquently write about?

MEL: So, as you refer to this sense of oneness, although I consider myself spiritual and have spiritual inclinations and beliefs, I came to this sense of oneness by coming to understand a famous thought experiment in the world of physics, which occurred in the 1930s. The two titans of physics were in a debate, Einstein and Niels Bohr. And without delving too deeply into the details, it was about what would happen if two particles, which were entangled, they were as one, if they were separated by a great distance, these particles would have opposite spins, one positive, one negative. And the debate was, if we change the spin of one, what would happen to the other? Both agreed the other would have to change its spin, because they operate as a pair. But how long? Now Einstein said, well, we can calculate that the message would occur, couldn’t be faster than the speed of light. And Bohr said, no, no signal will be necessary, no message, it is as one. They could be separated by half a universe, it would be instantaneous. Einstein makes famous proclamations, God doesn’t play dice with the universe. If this were true, I’d rather be a cobbler than a physicist. Finally, in 1983, the technology is available to test the theory. Einstein loses, he’s no longer alive, nor is Bohr. Since then, I believe without exception, with greater and greater efficiency of technology, it continues to prove out there is no separation.

MEL: Now the skeptic might say, well, that’s odd, but that’s only in quantum physics.

CHRISTIAN: Before you move on from that, is that what, I think it was Einstein who coined spooky action at a distance, right? Like quantum entanglement.

MEL: That’s exactly correct. That’s right, Christian. He said, it’s spooky action at a distance. Einstein was suggesting there’s something else happening, but he called a hidden variable that could account for this. He still was insisting on traditional cause and effect.

MEL: So moving forward now, as I was saying, the skeptic might say, well, that’s only in the quantum world. Increasingly, for decades now, we see these phenomena of quantum physics popping up in our macro world. Now, physicists have been striving for what they call TOE, the theory of everything. How do you correlate the different reality between quantum and our everyday macro life, between Einstein’s relativity and the macro world? And I’m going to humbly apologize for suggesting I could possibly have an answer to this. But sometimes in simplicity and stupidity, we can see things. And my answer is, well, what is it that intervenes between the quantum world and our everyday macro world? Us. Consciousness. Perhaps there is no difference, but it’s our consciousness that has constructed the difference and therefore sees the difference as real.

MEL: At any rate, in my work, I’ve delved deeply into matters of synchronicity, oneness in my practice as a therapist. I’ve come to understand the sense of oneness on personal levels, which is inexplainable through classical physics or classical science. I know it. I experience it. Others do. So this sense of oneness doesn’t only exist in the quantum world. That’s silly. That’s just in denial of human experience. What is love, if not oneness?

CHRISTIAN: Beautiful, beautiful question. Let me ask you something about synchronicity, because I love that word and I love the concept. Sometimes I’ll use the phrase divine choreography in place, because some of the stuff that happens that I’ve witnessed and experienced, there is no way that it could be just a happenstance. And that certainly my little mind could never come up with all the players and synchronizing all the schedules and all the incidents that had to happen in order for a certain thing to happen synchronously. So how do you feel about that?

MEL: So synchronicity excites me. I’ve experienced it profoundly, studied it. I was bold enough as to teach people how to experience it, what they have to do. Let’s give credit now to the originator of the term, which I believe was Carl Jung, the scientist who collaborated with the physicist Wolfgang Pauli toward synchronicity. Several decades ago, when the tsunami hit Indonesia, I was on vacation in Mexico, and I read a report in the Times that said there was no reported death of wildlife. The animals have a sixth sense and they knew that the tsunami was coming. So I went up to my room to write an article. And the article was, humans used to have a sixth sense before the age of rational mind, severed mind and body. As I’m writing those words, the window to my room is open, a bird flies in the window and perches itself on the armrest of my chair. Birds don’t do that. So this is spine tingling to me. It’s a synchronicity. My mind, consciousness, and the physical universe for a moment become as one. There couldn’t be coincidence of cause and effect. So I send an email off to a colleague who has written a book on synchronicity, sharing this. He writes back to me, says, great synchronicity, Mel. He said, but it goes further. He said, let me tell you what I was doing when I opened your email. I was reading a book called How Animals Can Predict Earthquakes by Rupert Sheldrake, a British biologist. So then I contacted Sheldrake and he and I ended up giving a joint lecture at Yale on this notion of synchronicity. So you see folding upon folding of synchronicity. That is an altogether opposing sense of reality to the fragmentation of the Newtonian-Cartesian paradigm of separation.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, I love that. And that is so similar. If I remember correctly, when I studied psychology in college, your experience with a bird gave me chills because it reminded me of, I think was the original inspiration for Jung, which wasn’t it a bug or a butterfly in his window or something like that?

MEL: Yes, he was working with a patient. I’m struggling at the moment to recall, but it will come to me. I’m sure the name of the bug, but she was, oh, she was discussing a piece of jewelry she had was shaped like a scarab, which is a term I was unfamiliar with, but that’s the type of bug. Jung was working with her to try to break her out of the confines of her rational mind. She was not open to wonder. She was strictly linear and rational. So as she’s discussing this jewelry piece in the shape of a scarab, there’s a tapping at the window behind Jung. He turns around, opens the window, puts his hands out, and it’s a scarab. He says, here’s your scarab. Purportedly that drove her past her rational mind and she opened up to wonderment.

CHRISTIAN: There it is. How else, how else the rational mind cannot explain that?

MEL: That’s right. It’s beyond logic. And you know, the problem is, Christian, when we simply say, well, that’s not rational, as though that’s the final word. Ration and logic, rather than being a tool in our toolbox, become our deity. Yes. How silly.

CHRISTIAN: Silly. Silly.

MEL: So often when someone may say to me, that’s not rational, I said, indeed, it’s not intended to be.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, so you also write that in the nanosecond before you become your next thought, you exist in a pure state of potential. So let’s talk about that and the third element of potentiality and a little bit about your recent thoughts about the superposition of thought.

MEL: Well, what I’m about to describe is the superposition. So just to explain, superposition, term from quantum physics, superposition refers to the fact that everything is in a state of absolute potential until an observation is made. And physics that we refer to something called a wave collapse. Light has a dual capacity. It exists as a wave or as a particle. But when an observation is made, a person, a device, the wave literally collapses and becomes a particle. And the wave represents pure possibility, pure potential. Particle is fixed. So I had a thought in regard to this wave collapse. But something similar happens to us. In my work, I’ve developed an approach, which is that our primary beliefs about ourselves, limiting or positive, are due to wave collapses in our identity. We come into life as a soul in a state, notwithstanding issues of karma and past lives, we come into life in a state of pure potentiality. What happens to that potentiality? Huge or chronic wave collapses early in life. It could be a teacher saying to you, I can’t believe how stupid that answer was. And you carry that belief and burden with you. Or a comment from a mom who said to a client of mine, she told my client when she was seven years old, she said, my pregnancy with you wasn’t planned, you were an accident. At 45, this woman still struggled with, I’m not lovable. Primary wave collapse. So out of the primary belief come millions of thoughts that conform to that belief.

MEL: So I thought, from reading physics, and from reading some of the philosopher Alfred North Weizsäck, who honestly is far too brilliant for me to understand most of his work, is I get this notion of superposition. What if I could learn to sense or see my thought before I become my thought? And I played around with it and kind of just motivated myself to try to capture that nanosecond, that there was a stirring or a sensation of thought before it became a thought. And David Bohm was very instrumental in my thinking here as well, who makes a distinction between thought and thinking. Well, I stumbled around and I found a way where I could learn to see thought. Now if I can see my thought, and if I can say to you as we’re talking, you know, I just had a thought come up. Let me tell you what my thought is telling me, that I am not my thought. I am having a thought. That is where potentiality and possibility lies. I’m having a thought. My state of superposition, my state of potential, is in the moment before I attach to the thought. That’s when I’m in a state of pure possibility or uncertainty.

MEL: So coming back to uncertainty, to me, certainty and predictability forecloses on possibility. Uncertainty, which we typically avoid, I thought uncertainty equals possibility. I’m in. I want to ride the wave of possibility. I teach exercises and methods and approaches to experience that nanosecond so it feels like several seconds, so that we can see the thought. This is no different than athletes train themselves so that that moment elongates and it feels much longer. Same phenomenon, I create, I help people create a muscle memory. It’s not hard. All you have to do is want to do it. And it works. And that to me allows the window for insight or wisdom to occur because then I’m not on automatic replay.

CHRISTIAN: And it sounds to me like what you’re pointing to is both in the sports metaphor, an example, in our personal lives, what that takes is presence. And I love, what excites me about your work is that, I mean, we’ve heard that before, like from Buddhist teachings, Hindu teachings, we are not our thoughts. But I love that you’re combining it with the science, with quantum physics to really help us understand that in a different way.

MEL: I was always attracted to spiritual teachings, but I never delved in. They made sense to me at face value and I said, yeah, I’m in. But I didn’t dive in. I didn’t become a student of it. And it was at a turning point in my own life because of a matter of many personal crises that were occurring in my early 40s that I began to read this. And again, I don’t read the scientific formulas. That’s beyond me. I just read the principles. And my way of thinking, I know the theme of what you’re looking at here is transforming global consciousness in a way. I want to add another piece to that. There is a philosophy, a new way of knowing. I believe it was coming out of France several decades ago called transdisciplinarity. Edgar Morin, French philosopher, I believe is a leader in it. So we’re aware of interdisciplinary and multidisciplinary. They don’t go far enough. What I did, and not because I’m an intellectual, because I’m not, I’m an intellectual dilettante. I just poke around at what excites me, but I don’t delve in. So I’m reading physics and I’m reading philosophy and I’ll circle something in philosophy and I say, wow, interesting. Doesn’t completely make sense. I’ll get back to it. Something in physics. And then I take two different disciplines. I say, well, if this is so, and this is so, what happens when I bring them together and integrate them, and that’s when I have an explosion of creativity. That’s my alchemy. That’s what transdisciplinarity is. It’s taking these things that our mind divided, after all, mind made up, that philosophy and science are different. They’re just different labels we create. Our mind divided them. So rather than interdisciplinary, where we found a bridge or a tunnel to connect them, I’m saying I separate the divisions. I’ve trained my mind, continue to train my mind to not see separation, which is why I don’t use the word connection.

MEL: People talk about mind-body connection. I go, there is no mind-body connection. And they’re stunned. I said, the word connection implies there’s a separation. We have to watch our words. The reason we struggle, by the way, in making this shift to this new paradigm is we still use words that inform our thoughts, which keep us stuck in an old objective reality. I believe I’ve spoken with you before about the two be verbs, is, are, am, was, be. These are the only verbs that are inert and don’t move. All other verbs show movement. But we use these two be verbs in every sentence. They also speak of an objective separate reality. You are. There’s no participation here for me. You are, as opposed to removing the are and saying, may I tell you how I see you? May I tell you how I experience you? Now there’s a oneness. It’s perspective. It’s subjective. And objectivity is the death knell of relationship, because it brings us into battles of separation and right versus wrong and argumentation and no one listens. So I think these are at the core of the disasters we experience in the world. That’s where the shift of consciousness has to come from. And fundamentally, it means we have to start teaching this to the next generation of students, a new way of thinking. I don’t care what someone thinks. I care how they think.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, yeah, I love that conversation about the verb to be because in Spanish, there’s actually two forms of the verb to be said. Yes, that said is a more permanent state of being like I am. I am Cuban. I am, you know, a man, things that are pretty much established. And then there’s a stat which is a more of a transitory state of being like, I am feeling blah, blah, blah, or I am currently, you know, I am doing a podcast interview or anything like that. And as a fellow intellectual dilettante, at a whole different level than yours is like your way, like some of the conversations you have with those philosophers is like, go totally over my head. But I love the concepts and I love the way that you’re translating them. And I also want to, for that burgeoning teacher or healer who might be still dealing with issues of self-doubt, maybe dealing with stress or anxiety, let’s bring it in a little bit more to the less philosophical, a little bit more practical. And so I wanted to acknowledge your TEDx talk. One of them is called Breaking Free from Anxiety, which has had, I think, more than half a million views. So you had what, 18 minutes to answer that on the TEDx?

MEL: That one, Christian, was nine minutes.

CHRISTIAN: Nine minutes. Wow. So can you do it in two or three? Like how do you break free from anxiety?

MEL: So I’ll give it my best. Anxiety is about our thought seeking fear. When our thought attaches to fear, the result is anxiety. We have a fearful thought. Now I’m not proposing that it’s all due to predictability and seeking certainty. I’m saying it’s fundamentally due to it. As an aside, lest I forget to say it, low self-esteem will lead to anxiety. If I say this, what will they think? Oh my God, would that be a mistake? Should I say this? That’s low self-esteem. But still seeking certainty, what will they think? There’s a correlation between self-esteem and certainty. But in the talk, I’m essentially saying, look, if thought becomes afraid because it can’t predict the future, and the future is not predictable, then what Krishnamurti called freedom from the known is something we should seek, which is, I don’t know that future. What we call the future is a moment in time that hasn’t happened yet. All I can do is choose to embrace uncertainty, which provides resilience, and navigate along the way.

MEL: The best example I can give is I was working with a woman who was very unhappily married. She had no children. She and her husband were financially independent. They tried counseling. It didn’t work. So I asked her curiously, why do you stay married? She said, I don’t know who I would be as a divorced woman. There it was, fear of the unknown. I said, well, you know who you are as a married woman, and that’s not working. As an unmarried woman, there’s awful possibilities. So I created a visualization for her, which I speak about in my TEDx talk. I had her imagine walking into a river, and imagine the river was the current of her life. I said, walk into the river. You’re not going to sink, and get into the flow. And after a moment or two, I asked her, where was she? She said, I went into the river, but I grabbed a hold of a boulder in the middle. And I said, why? She said, the river turns to the right up ahead, and I don’t know where it’s going. I said, that’s your future. Perhaps that’s you as a divorced woman. Let go of the boulder. That doesn’t mean you’re hapless. You can navigate to either direction that you want, but you have to get into the flow. So that’s a brief illustration about the concept of how you break free. Fundamentally, there are skills and tools that I teach and provide, which anyone can learn from going to my website and reading my book.

CHRISTIAN: Great. And so you also point us in a direction of one of our shared areas of passion and expertise, which is relationships. And in this new book, The Possibility Principle, you also get into how to break through communication impasses, which I write about in my book as power struggles. So talk a little bit about that. How do we break through these communication impasses?

MEL: This has very much to do with the shift in worldview, again, which is fundamentally, it is speaking in language of objectivity that is ruinous to relationship, because we engage in the battle over who’s right and who’s wrong. And we make objective statements. When I work with a couple and they’re in an argument, an objective argument, I say, leave the facts aside. Facts belong in the courtroom. Feelings are the foundation of relationship. And so I may say to the husband, do you love your wife? Of course I do. And I say to her, so instead of arguing the fact, tell him how you feel and ask him, do you care how I feel? And then we get to the heart of the matter. I teach couples and individuals to speak without using two V verbs, because if I say you are insensitive, focus on the word are, we know your reaction, no I’m not. So if I say, I really experience you as insensitive, may explain to you why, you might lean in. Other techniques, I created a method which I call the 5% rule, which is in a disagreement, the instinct is to have our thoughts prepared to repudiate or rebut whatever we’re hearing is wrong, contrary to your intuition there. Pause and look for some small percentage that you can affirm. It doesn’t mean you surrender. Just find something to affirm you can agree with and validate. Compare that. Now we’ve shifted the energy. We desperately want someone to know something different or see something different. But we have to take a moment and think, how can I do that? I need to have them leaning in, not back on their heels. Right versus wrong, objective debate, there’s nowhere. Leaning in is the key that I would share to a new approach to relationship and communication. If you’re being charged with something, lean in with curiosity and it has an entirely different direction.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah. And I love that piece of wisdom of avoiding the to be verb. I would add to that too, what I would add to that too is avoid words like always and never, like you always, you never, hang it up, end of conversation.

MEL: Absolutely true. I mean, it’s completely distracting. But again, that instinct, the right versus wrong, it’s part of what I call either or thinking Christian, which I believe came to us from Aristotle. It’s attributed to him. Either or thinking, when I’m asked an either or question, so Mel, what do you think? Is this good or bad? I won’t answer. I can’t answer. I’m proud to say I’ve trained my mind to not accept the fragmentation, the lack of wholeness of either or compartments. So either or leads us to, if you’re right, then I’m wrong and how’s that going to feel? No, we break past either or thinking. I do that by what I call leaning in. You’re experiencing me differently than I think of myself. I’m curious. Help me understand how you’re experiencing me. There’s no right or wrong or battle there. These are keys. If only we were taught this in school.

CHRISTIAN: Yes, yes. My God, you know, with a psychiatrist father, with, you know, psychology, majoring in psychology, studying with the Jesuits for four years in high school, I never got any of this stuff. I never understood the ego mind and all its machinations and shenanigans. And it’s like, wow, how I wish I would have known that and all the stuff we’re talking about at a younger age.

MEL: You imagine if communication, emotional intelligence, a emerging worldview, were taught to kids in grade school. My God, what a world. We would be living in a different universe. So I do believe that the precipice or the only opportunity to transform consciousness, save the planet, create harmony is through education. But that begs the question, okay, how are you going to do that when most education is state run?

CHRISTIAN: Yeah. So let me ask you this, because you mentioned self-esteem earlier. And I believe, you know, my experience with working with people for 30 years at the core of most of our issues is that, is low self-esteem.

MEL: Absolutely.

CHRISTIAN: What would you like to share with us about building, how we build authentic self-esteem?

MEL: Another core one of my passions. In the US, all psychological diagnoses come from a book called the DSM, which is the Bible of psychiatric diagnosis. There’s no diagnosis for low self-esteem, regrettably, probably because there’s no medication to profit from the sale of. I can only speak to American culture. I believe the term self-esteem is not only misunderstood, it’s a misnomer. Because if you ask most people or a parent, what will give you children good self-esteem? They’ll say, oh, being popular, really good grades, being athletic. And I’ll point out, that’s not self-esteem. That’s actually what I call other esteem. What we do is we either seek approval from others, or we certainly avoid this approval. We judge ourselves and then project that judgment onto others. So we make other people our judge. I will say to people I work with, the only judge I have is the dude who works in the courthouse with a woman. Anyone else’s people with opinions, if I elevate your opinion to a judgment, I’m doing that. So we pursue other esteem. There are mythologies like act strong, never show weakness. Well, I write acting strong is acting that’s weak. Release your vulnerability, share your insecurity, and two things happen. Number one, you’re no longer hiding it, so it releases the insecurity. And two, by sharing your insecurity, you’re actually demonstrating to yourself that you’re not afraid of what the other person thinks. You’re coming into authenticity with yourself. This is the core of authentic self-esteem. But again, I don’t know in what cultures authentic self-esteem is intrinsic or taught. I’m unaware. All I can speak of is in Western culture, we teach the opposite. And there isn’t an individual or a couple that I work with over my 27 years of practice in therapy, so I’m now talking about countless thousands of people, that this doesn’t come up in some way. Self-esteem is ruinous to your relationship with yourself, to others, and to the universe as a whole. I mean, let’s look at Putin or Trump. People mistakenly refer to these people as having strong egos. They have the most fragile egos. They have no self-esteem. They’re completely in pursuit of other esteem.

CHRISTIAN: Yes. And over-concentration for poor self-esteem.

MEL: Right. So all tyrants, I shouldn’t make a universal statement there. I’m sure there are exceptions. The tendency is for tyrants to be in pursuit of greater and greater other esteem because there’s a fragility of their own self-worth. Hitler being a prime example.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, brilliant. I believe you’re offering a gift to participants who want to find out more about your work and will have a link to your website and how they can get on your email list. You want to talk a little bit about what you’re offering?

MEL: Certainly. I’m offering a copy of my book, The Possibility Principle, which we can deliver either as a hardcover or as a Kindle or an audiobook. So by writing to me at Mel at MelSchwartz.com and tell me which version you prefer. And if it’s a hardcover, of course, I’ll need the address, but just initiate the communication with me by email and we’ll pick it up from there.

CHRISTIAN: That’s great and incredibly generous. I had assumed that it was just the e-book, but it’s so much more easy and simple to handle. There’s something so beautiful about holding the book.

MEL: Me too. I can describe the book as well.

CHRISTIAN: Mel, thank you so much. Is there anything that you want to say to wrap up our time together? Either share about your work, any offerings, any new projects that you’re working on?

MEL: I’m looking forward to be offering retreats, one week retreats, moving into a realm of everything that we’re discussing, self-esteem, relationship, communication. And we’ll have a link to your website and from there they can access all your sources.

CHRISTIAN: Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for taking your time and sharing your wisdom and your experience with us here at the Summit. And thank you for doing all that you do on all our behalf.

MEL: Thank you, Christian, and thank you for being such an enlightened seeker of consciousness and wisdom yourself.

MEL: I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel at melschwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts and that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #133 Possibility and Quantum Physics first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 132 is a bonus episode: an interview I gave Dwight Hurst on The Broken Brain podcast.

In this hour-long episode, we review how I came to my approach to therapy and cover self-esteem, uncertainty, anxiety and depression, education, and how quantum physics provides a metaphoric model for dealing with it all.

I’d love to hear what you think! Be sure to leave a comment with your own thoughts and questions!

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #132MEL: Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

DWIGHT: Grateful to be here today with Mel Schwartz. Mel is a psychotherapist and also an author of The Possibility Principle and you have a very unique approach that I’m super jazzed to talk about in that you use principles of physics and quantum physics and combine those with psychotherapy. So Mel, thank you so much for being here today, first of all.

MEL: Thank you for having me, Dwight. Looking forward to chatting with you.

DWIGHT: Tell people a little bit about who you are. I always like to let people know how we got into such a seedy business as trying to help people. What happened? How did you get here?

MEL: I was approaching the age of 40 and I was living the life I thought I should be living. I was in business, not psychotherapy. I was making very good living. I was driving home from my office in Midtown Manhattan to my home in the suburbs and I had a thought. The thought was when I was in college, I promised myself I was going to have great meaning and purpose in my life. Now 20 years later, I thought, well, I’ve got the big house, the kids, the successful business, but you know what? The meaning and the purpose aren’t there. And I thought, I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life. By the time I got home, I said to my soon to be ex-wife, I think I’m going to close the business.

MEL: She said, what do you mean? What are you going to do? I said, I don’t know. But I was excited, excited by possibilities and I began to think about what I really enjoyed doing. What I really enjoyed doing is helping people think differently, get insights, you know, mixing it up. And I thought, what would that look like?

MEL: So by the morning I thought, I’m going to apply to graduate school and I’m going to become a psychotherapist. I can write books, I can give talks, but I didn’t know a thing about the field of psychotherapy. I had done a little therapy, but I couldn’t say it was a calling. But for me, fortunately it turned out to be, but I never followed anything they taught me in graduate school because I thought it was an outmoded way of thinking. It’s what I would call the 17th century reductionist thinking, Newtonian, about objectivity. And my new way of thinking was different.

MEL: I started reading quantum physics. And by the way, when I say quantum physics, I don’t get the science. I just mean the principles. The principles were reality is uncertain. And I thought, but in our lives we seek certainty, but we can’t succeed at that. So if we’re seeking what we can’t get, we’re going to be anxious. Ah, anxiety is due to seeking certainty when reality is uncertain. So I turned that around and I thought, well, if reality is uncertain, what if I learn to embrace uncertainty? So making that career shift was my first embrace of uncertainty, bringing a new possibility into my life.

MEL: So over time, I looked at these principles in quantum physics, inseparability. Reality appears to be one inseparable whole. There is no separation, even though our mind constructs separation. And I thought, wow, if inseparability is reality, then compassion and harmony and love would be second nature because we are actually all as one, just like the golden rule. So I took these principles and I started to apply them to my practice. And I’m writing an article right now, which is called asking how does that make you feel? That’s not enough. That’s what’s typically done in therapy, right? How does that make you feel? But I like to teach. I like to help people find a new way of a new game plan for life wisdom. So that’s what brought me here and a very long winded response to you, Dwight. That’s what got me where I am.

DWIGHT: No, no, no, not long winded at all. I appreciate the context for that because it actually hits a lot of the things that I feel like I talk about a lot on the show too, is we sometimes fall into in our industry years in mind, right? There’s these pitfalls we can fall into where we have this concept of just doing things that have always been done. I remember reading a research paper a long time ago that the title of it was doing what works instead of what we think will work. And the whole premise of it was it was about the time that there was this craze where they said evidence-based therapy, evidence-based therapy. And it didn’t mean anything other than it was a catchphrase really. You’d think it meant do something that seems to actually work, right? But it just became another, I don’t know, it was like, oh, use evidence-based CBT. And some of these acronyms have stuff in them that are useful, but to fall into the trap of just being like, well, this is what we’ve always done. That’s not a good reason to do something all by itself.

MEL: It’s dull. It’s unthinking. By the way, look at the term evidence-based as a short-sighted term because evidence is what we can see and observe. But we know the human psyche, the large part of it is unobservable. We understand the unconscious has a great gravitational force in our feelings and our behavior. So just the term evidence-based is horribly lacking, isn’t it?

DWIGHT: It leads to the kind of thinking to where there are people out there who feel like we could have AI therapists that would replace the need for therapists. Going back to that idea of how do you feel about that? How does it make you feel? What are your feel, feel, feel? And while identifying feelings is certainly a part of a therapeutic conversation, you know, no way around that, it’s not the end though. If anything, it’s very much the start. How do you feel? I feel this way. Great. Well, there should be something next.

MEL: So I command that from principle of quantum physics. And before going into the principle, maybe not getting into the principle, I’ve come to see and believe that usually thought precedes feeling. So if I’m feeling in a certain mood, let’s say exceptionally good or bad, I’ll ask myself, what was the thought I had to set up that feeling? I’ll track back and find it. So I see the correlation, the dance between thought and feeling. In quantum physics, we understand that reality is in a state of pure potential. It doesn’t exist until you summon it up, you make an observation. So I thought we too are in a state of potential until we attach to our next thought. So what if I could help people?

MEL: First I had to discover it myself. What if I could experience this so I could actually see the thought, slow motion, and not become the thought and it changed my life? Because if I can see the thought that I’m not the thought, then I’m free to change, to develop wisdom and great insight. So I actually developed some techniques to help people see their thought and see their feeling to then rise above it and then change and possibility become immediately accessible.

DWIGHT: So do you find that you embrace more of an idea of leaning in rather than pulling back or running away from, distracting from the…

MEL: Absolutely. I have a podcast. My podcast is called the Possibility Podcast. I have an entire episode on leaning in. I call it a martial art. When you lean in, you’re not defensive and you’re reactive. You’re not reactive. And it’s embracing a vulnerability, but I use the word vulnerable in a powerful way. So if somebody makes a critical comment to you, lean in with curiosity and say, ah, tell me about that. I didn’t see that myself, but that’s powerful. Instead of being back on your heels and saying, oh, that’s not true.

DWIGHT: You know, I, and I’ll say his name. I don’t mind sharing this because he shared it on the podcast, a colleague of mine, Mike Fitch, and he shared this story once about vulnerability of when he got into an argument with his father as a teenager. And so they’re arguing or whatever. And at some point, this, this, the heated discussion, he, he lets loose on his dad and it says a bunch of stuff. And he says like, I hate you. And he said that his dad totally shocked him by taking a step back and saying, well, that really hurts my feelings. And he said, all of a sudden that vulnerability powerfully diffused the situation where he could have said like, oh yeah, well, and which is very natural, right. To strike back when someone strikes out, but instead it was a vulnerable reaction. And that triggered a whole different conversation following that. Right.

MEL: You know, I think that speaks to the heart of the epidemic of low self-esteem in our culture. I coined a term, I think I coined it, perhaps someone else did, which is other esteem. As a culture, we’re taught that the way to attain self-esteem, it doesn’t really come from us. So if you’re a kid in school, if you’re a great athlete, if you get great grades, if you have a lot of friends that give you self-esteem, well, what if you’re not a great athlete and you’re not that popular? Attaining self-esteem comes from not operating from fear. Now acting strong, which in particular men are taught to do in our culture, acting strong is acting. It’s weak. The opposite is share your vulnerability. And that means you’re no longer worried about someone else being your judge. You set it up yourself. And I’ll say that the only person who can be my judge is a dude that works in the courthouse and wears a long black robe. Otherwise, we’re all people with opinions. Why elevate someone’s opinion and call it a judgment? So there’s this epidemic of low self-worth because culturally, we’re not taught and educationally, we’re not taught how to develop genuine self-esteem. And I think low self-esteem lies underneath a lot of disorders like anxiety and depression. But low self-esteem, as you know, is not a DSM diagnosis. So nobody is talking about it.

DWIGHT: No. And in fact, when we do, it becomes one of those things that is viewed almost as one of those cliche, hippie dippy therapist things, right? It’s like, oh, self-esteem, self-esteem. And it’s a little bit less out of now. When I was going to graduate school, though, there was a lot of talk about alternate ways of saying that because self-esteem is so whatever. And it was treated by a lot of people as something kind of froofy and hard to define. And this and that. And instead of what you’re describing is more bearing down on this and saying, no, this is actually an underlying problem that exists.

MEL: Yeah. Look, the primary relationship in your life is with yourself. What do you think of yourself? How do you feel? Can you navigate life without too much fear? So the fear of what I think someone else thinks of me. Notice what I said. People say I’m afraid of what they think, but we don’t know what they think. You’re afraid of what you think they think of you. How can that be a sensible way of living your life? So all this common sense that we follow doesn’t really work out. I’m working on the new book, which is called Uncommon Sense, because common sense, how’s that working out? There’s too much fear in our lives, fear of what other people think. But my genuine relationship with myself needs to be key. That doesn’t mean I’m insensitive or callous or uncaring about other people, but it means I’m not in a precarious place where I’m worried about what I say or don’t say. I’m true to myself.

DWIGHT: Do you see that, as you mentioned, pushback from people? As you mentioned, that doesn’t mean I’m callous just because other people can’t or I don’t want them to control and I don’t want to give that control to them. Do you find that people push back on that in the sense of like, oh, well, if I didn’t care what people thought, then that would be a dull collapse or something?

MEL: Yeah. So what I’m trying to do, what I try to teach people in that case, is that I don’t say you shouldn’t care what someone thinks, but you shouldn’t subordinate yourself out of fear of what they think. You see, it’s more nuanced than that. Please, I’d love to hear what you think, but that doesn’t mean I’m afraid of you thinking critically of me. You have the right to think critically of me, just as I have the right to think critically of you.

DWIGHT: I like to think of it sometimes as we try to do the communication work for other people when we project, right? When we project and we say, oh, I think they think this and I think they probably want me to do this, so I’m either going to try to do that or I’m going to rebel against it or all of a sudden I’m making decisions based off of the thing that I think they think. The tricky bit is that as we get to know people pretty well, we’re probably right quite a bit of the time. And when we’re right often, we think we’re right always. And when we’re right often, we also assume that it matters. If I think you think this, then it, oh, I’ve got to react to it. When as a matter of fact, even if you think it, you haven’t told me, I’m doing your job for you.

MEL: Yeah, I think you’re absolutely correct. And that’s a really, really important insight that you have there. We operate from assumptions. One of the skills I’ve developed that I enjoy is really around what I call shared meaning. So I will socially be with a couple of people and they’re having a conversation with each other and I realized they think they’re talking about the same thing, but they’re not. Their conversations actually derail. They’re talking about two different things because they don’t have shared meaning. Shared meaning is she says to him, you don’t know how to be intimate. So he should be saying, well, first before I respond, tell me what you mean by the word intimate. So we’re on the same page. Instead, I don’t know how to be intimate. You’re kidding. You’re the one with the problem. They’re off to a battle. No one is defined the word we need shared meaning and shared meaning is respectful. So if you say to somebody, you know, you’re such, so judgmental and critical of me, it really hurts my feelings. Okay, please help me understand what do you mean by critical? What does that look like? We need shared meaning in communication.

MEL: When I look at communication today amongst people, politicians, or talking heads on TV, it’s bereft. There is no congruent shared meaning. It’s like whack-a-mole, you know, but there’s no meaning coming out of the, out of the discourse

DWIGHT: With the biggest difference being actual whack-a-mole is a lot more fun. And at least get those little tickets. And if you get a million of them, you can get a mustache comb or something. I’m curious your thoughts on tying what you’re saying now to this inseparability and how if I understood you correctly, that the sort of our natural state is more of a communal kindness reaching out. That’s more of where we want to be. And yet at the same time, we have those struggles. Is that just a breakdown of the way we relate to ourselves? Is it anxiety? Is it fear? What kind of things make us?

MEL: I think this is singularly a vitally important point that you’re raising. I think the most of the harm that it does us as a species, as human race, is we live in the illusion of separation. Now call it the illusion. It comes from 17th century thinkers, Sir Isaac Newton and Rene Descartes. So Newton told us that reality is like a giant machine. Descartes said it was a giant clock comprised of separate discrete parts. Well, we became those separate parts in the machine, but separate, it requires force to get the parts moving. Quantum physics discovered particles when they have a shared state, they’re called entangled. They are as one. The thought debate was if you take those particles and you separate them by a great distance and you change the spin of one, what will happen to the other one, half a universe away? The other one will change his spin because as shared particles, they have opposite spins. But the question is, how long would it take? Einstein says, well, a signal will be sent, but nothing travels faster than the speed of light. So we calculate. Niels Bohr says no, no signal. Reality is as one. There’s no signal necessary. Einstein says, if this was true, I’d rather be a cobbler than a physicist.

MEL: In 1964, the technology, both of these men have passed on, the technology is finally available to test it. Einstein was wrong. The universe appears as one. There is no signal in between the particles. They are as one. Further evidence is that this exists not just in the quantum world, but in our world. So it’s similar to Eastern mysticism, oneness. Now how do you have the illusion of separation? We compete, we try to win, we try to defeat because we see the other is different than me. It’s called a relationship or marriage. What tears a marriage or relationship apart? The need to be right. Would you rather be happy or would you rather be right? Well, I’d rather be happy, but I’m going to get into a fight. I need to win. If I have to be right, that means I’m going to make you wrong. How’s that going to work out for our relationship? The relationship is oneness. So this sense of oneness, which quantum physics reveals, then compassion and empathy and generosity as opposed to greed. Greed is a product of separation, competing, winning, exploiting. That all comes from the 17th century point of view of we’re separate cogs in the machine. There’s nothing to do, play the game and try to win.

DWIGHT: If I’m on the bottom of the rung, and what you’re suggesting, the extension of that logic would be the ladder itself is just an unhealthy creation in a way, the hierarchical way. If I’m on the bottom, that means I need to get to the top or at least as high up as I can. And then we all could say what that leads to. I mean, we all see what that leads to. We talk about it in a way, it almost sounds like we talk about the epidemic of anxiety and self-esteem problems. It’s almost like just an epidemic of like extreme burnout as a person.

MEL: Well, because the most important question we can ask ourselves is what’s my philosophy for my life? If you start a business, you drew up a business plan, but we go after life without our own game plan for life. So people think that they will be happy when they meet and fall in love. Okay, then I’ll be happy when I get married. Well, I’ll be happy when we get our dream house. I’ll be happy when I have children. I’ll be happy when the kids are old enough to sleep through the night. All of a sudden you’re at retirement. What happened to happiness? Things don’t bring happiness. Happiness can only exist being present in the moment. We hear terms like being in flow, but you can’t be in flow and be in fear at the same time. You have to choose. The leaning in concept that you spoke about earlier, that’s being in flow. It’s leaning in. Rethinking what will bring happiness. So achievement and wealth can be seen as the icing on the cake, but not the cake.

DWIGHT: When you had that realization, going back to that drive home, the very eventful drive home you mentioned as a feeling of mostly excitement and this idea of putting aside some things that weren’t meaningful, chasing after meaning. The excitement came before you even knew what the answer was. Has that always been part of your own approach or personality, or was that a shift in the way you approach life?

MEL: Well, yes and no. I was always a person who would think, why can’t I, as opposed to why I can’t, but there was something in this process that was profound for me. So within the day or two after I decided to go to grad school, I of course had reasonable considerations. How am I going to support my family? What are the changes going to be in our lives? And I did what we usually do. I hesitated because I had a fear of the consequences, but then in a very insightful moment in my life, I thought, but I should have a fear about the consequences of not doing something. If I don’t do this, I could become depressed. So as a culture, we fear the consequences of what we do, our decisions, that fear just constricts us. I should have a fear of not doing something that has consequences. So I started to realize that I could learn to think differently. And in my practice, my development, I never read anything in the field of psychology ever. That doesn’t excite me. I only read books that I don’t sufficiently understand to begin with, because that’s my learning process. So I’ll read quantum physics, I’ll read philosophy, I’ll circle this and I’ll circle that and I’ll underline this and I’ll say, well, if this is true in philosophy and that’s true in physics, what happens if I combine them and I do that? And it’s like an alchemy for me. It’s a creative process. So for me, I don’t believe in separate disciplines. Separate disciplines are just our thought made this stuff up. History, social studies, economics, they’re all different aspects, but they’re not truly separate. When we separate things out, our mind tricks us. So I’ve learned since the age of 40, because I was not like this before. I was a regular guy. I was an average student at best. I didn’t run deep. And all of a sudden, wow, something happened. So I realized possibilities that we are not imprinted in a certain way.

MEL: So I was given a talk shortly after I became a therapist. I had written my first book and I was invited to give the talk at Yale. I was feeling pretty full of myself. And I’m sitting there after the talk, my mother comes over and she’s quite an elderly woman at that point. She has tears in her eyes and she says, I don’t understand how did you become this person? And I thought it’s all about potential and possibilities. We don’t know. We restrict ourselves. And even in terms of intelligence, I’m not suggesting I have a superior intelligence, but I always thought I was average minded, but I wasn’t. I removed my own restrictions and said, what if you see, we’ve lost a sense of wonder in our culture. We don’t wonder anymore. You show me someone who has wonder and curiosity, they won’t be depressed, but we don’t honor wonder anymore.

DWIGHT: Well, that’s the part that can sometimes be hard. I think that’s one of the reasons why you see people with more creative personalities, artists and performers and people who do whatever they do to create art and things. The reputation is that that type of personality lends itself to extreme moods, to depression, to those kinds of things. I think it has more to do with what you said. It’s the shaming and the lack of value we place on that, that teaches people that it’s not okay to be the way you are. If you draw a picture when you’re a little kid, hey, great, good for you. And oh, wow, it might even be quite good. But then if you start drawing something later on, at some point it’s like, well, I mean, a lot of people would look at that and say, if you haven’t monetized it, and heaven forbid you want to do that for a living or something. And there’s just all these things that the shame starts to pile on. And I think that being shoved into the expectation of a non-creative or non-artistic or non-whatever it is that we are, or even if we’re in a field, and I’ve known tons of people, I’ll use, let’s say someone who’s an accountant. An accountant can be quite creative. Now they don’t want to be too creative in certain ways because they go to jail, but they can be creative in how they solve problems and approach things. But what are people in that line of work told again and again and again is they’re not a creative, right? So we’re shoved into some of these boxes. That’s where I think some of that depression comes from is the rejection of the core self of who we want.

MEL: Yes, I agree with you. And so we’re shoved into boxes and we compartmentalize ourselves. But the problem is the way we operate as a culture, which is a curiosity. Could you imagine a classroom where the students weren’t graded for getting the right answer, but the students were graded for asking the best question. The teacher asks a question, you think you have the answer, the kid’s hand goes up. It’s boring, it’s dull. Imagine grading kids by asking the best question. The best question doesn’t have an answer. It gets us all thinking. We have to embrace not knowing. We have to embrace confusion. But you see, there is shame in our culture about not knowing. People avoid it. They think they’re fearful. What will they think of me? I’m stupid. I’m ignorant. Not knowing is the pathway to knowing. I have to embrace not knowing to break through and know.

DWIGHT: Is that why you were excited when you knew that there was going to be a change, but you didn’t know what it was yet? You were already starting to feel the excitement of not knowing?

MEL: Very much so.

DWIGHT: I see.

MEL: Thrill is the right word. But I knew, probably based on my personality type, that I was not going to be content being a traditional therapist, so to speak. I needed to find another way, a way that resonated with me. When people would ask me, where were you trained? I’d say, trained? I’m not an animal in the zoo. Why would I want to be trained? I want to keep my mind as open as I can. Training is a singular narrowing of the mind view. No thanks. I want my mind open. And I want to be able to rethink and reconsider and change my mind.

DWIGHT: Valerie Probst-Field is a therapist who does some podcasting and things, too. We just had a recording a little while ago, so it’s kind of fresh in my mind. She does a lot about motherhood, and she used this specifically with motherhood, but it applies to all kinds of roles in our life. Do we look at a role as a noun or a verb? Is it like, oh, and in our industry, it’s rife with this. I’m a therapist. That’s my identity. And to me, it reminds me of the role you play being a verb. I’m doing therapy. And how do I do therapy? It’s not like, oh, I am this thing, and then all of a sudden, there’s weird expectations that maybe come with that, instead of being like, yeah. And I think it’s great to draw inspiration from lots of different sources, particularly because a lot of the information that is really, really helpful, take somebody who wants to learn about mindfulness, yeah, you Google it. And I can share a lot about mindfulness with a client, but they can Google it and find out a lot more wise things than I’m going to say. But what do I bring into it is I bring in things that I assimilate. And I mean, ask my clients that I’ve worked with over the years how many times I’ve quoted The Simpsons, for example, because comedy and some of those kinds of things and fiction speaks really loudly to me, and I get insights in that realm that I don’t get by reading a textbook or something. So drawing that inspiration from other sources and letting a little bit of you and what speaks to you come into the interactions with people, I think is very powerful. I think it’s very-

MEL: I agree completely. And by the way, when people ask me what I do, meaning for a living, I’m almost reluctant to say I’m a therapist, because it’s a mind speak about what a therapist is. See, coming back to words, Newton’s worldview, which I’ve done so much work on trying to transcend it, is about a worldview of fixed objective reality. The quantum worldview is that it’s flowing, the reality is participatory making, it’s making itself up and nothing is objective, it’s in flow. I read about and came to realize that when people ask me, why is it taking us so long to shift out of the 17th century worldview into this new worldview? And my answer is, there are eight common words that we use in virtually every sense. And those are the to be verbs.

MEL: Is, am, were, was, be, been. These are the only verbs that are static, inert, they’re not moving. Now every time we talk and use a to be verb, we are static and we’re making objective reality. I am. That means I’m not changing. There’s no flow, there’s no movement, you are. So instead of saying you are in an argument, you say, may I tell you how I experience you? That could be open. But when you say you are, objective statement, done. Doesn’t work. So early in my career as a therapist, a therapist across the whole would say, can I speak to you about a client I have, Jane has ADHD. And I say, what do you mean she has ADHD or Jane is bipolar? I said, bipolar is a word. It’s a description that a team of psychiatrists coined to describe certain behavior they think they see as a description, no issue. But you turned it into a thing. Jane is bipolar. The is, it’s the problem. And it’s ruinous in our arguments, in our discussions. That’s why everything breaks down. Someone will say, change is hard. I’ll have them say, I have a difficult time changing. Now I take ownership of it. Well, let’s look at what we can do differently. Change is hard. Where are you going to go with that? So these words restrict our growth and our movement and keep us stuck in 17th century thinking.

DWIGHT: I’ve been called on that before describing my own bipolarity, my own bipolar diagnosis. My prescriber did that to me once. That sort of cultural shorthand snuck out where it was like, well, I mean, since I’m bipolar and he’s like, well, you know better. Because he knows me and we work in the same area. He’s like, yeah, no, well, would you let someone else do that to themselves? And I was like, oh, I didn’t think about it that way. But you’re right. It’s this label that I even, I was putting that on myself. And I might be more cognizant of that when I’m working with a client and say, well, what’s that label mean? Why are we calling ourselves that? And but yet did it to myself, right?

MEL: That’s right.

DWIGHT: I’d love to say it was a long time ago and I’ve learned so much. No, but it wasn’t that long ago. It was more recent.

MEL: But that’s the self-reflection. But the self-reflection, as you know, of course, is altogether healthy. But when it slides along the continuum to be self-critical, and I don’t mean critical, but critical thinking is important as a culture. We have lost critical thinking. So we operate from a belief, but it doesn’t work out. So do we go back to the belief and say, well, that belief isn’t working out? Why am I adhering to that belief? There’s a lack of critical thinking in our culture. I find it frightful. So critical thinking is how did I come to that belief? What makes me think that belief is valid? It requires some scrutiny. But how many people do we know to do that?

DWIGHT: Yeah. It occurs to me, too, that one of the things where, and in your terminology, too, we go against the inseparability part of our core, who we are, is when we also put that out at others. If it’s a bad thing for me to label myself that way and look at me as that’s my whole person, how much worse than or equally, I don’t know, I don’t want to compare it, but it’s also bad to throw that at other people, right? I mean, you mentioned we’re staffing a client here and we say, well, she or he’s bipolar, they’re autistic, they’re this, they’re that. And it’s like, well, why are we doing that to them then? Instead of saying, here’s the things that they struggle with or whatever.

MEL: That is so. And I wrote an article I called the diagnosis madness, which is that the DM needs a diagnosis, DSM needs a diagnosis. The diagnosis is they forgot that they made all this stuff up and it just descriptions. And then we think of it as real. Now I learned that from philosophy. It’s called reification. Reification is my mind makes something up, which can be productive and inventive, but then I forgot I made it up and I think it’s real. And I understand that mind constructed. So every diagnosis we have is useful as a description, but they’re not real things.

DWIGHT: Yeah, I’ve always thought of diagnosis as if you put a bunch of people in a big room and let’s say it’s everyone in the world. And I like to use eye health as a good example of this. Let’s say you put everybody in a big room and you say, how well can everybody see? Well, this group of people, they seem to see things close up easier than far away. Let’s call them nearsighted. These people seem to say the opposite. Let’s call them farsighted. That’s a word, as you put it, it’s a term. We made it up to describe something. Now does that mean we know everything about the way the eye works just because we said that? And also does it mean, by the way, there’s a whole spectrum of different ways that people who might, what about people who struggle with both? We need a new name. And it’s helpful, as you put it, it’s a description. It helps us maybe categorize in a way that’s like, oh, okay, if I approach this, but even then we can fall into a trap if I think, well, everybody who’s been diagnosed with X is going to react badly to this and well to this. We’re not really doing any services there. We got to now, does it help to have a sense of that, of with cases of addiction, there’s usually trauma associated with it. It’s good to know. But does that mean day one, someone walks in my office and says, I’m here for addiction. I go, oh, you’ve had, you have trauma. You must have PTSD.

MEL: It’s that reductionist way of thinking. So I also look at other contexts, which is in the United States, in anyone’s lifetime, they have a one out of three chance of having a diagnosable mental illness. One out of three people, 120 million people. So I step back and I said, well, wait a minute, there’s something terribly wrong here. We are victimizing the victim. In other words, if we live in a way that is creating all this disharmony and distress, we need to look at the way we’re living. Why do we have an epidemic of mental illness? Instead of just pointing our finger and diagnosing the individual and medicating them, we say, wait a minute, maybe the way we’re living makes no sense because there’s a cultural and environmental influence. It’s not just the individual. You have to look at a larger context.

DWIGHT: It’s interesting when you point that out. And sometimes you look at the difference here and you think of, what’s the term, endemic, right? If it’s just normal and bad versus epidemic, meaning a spike. And you’re describing kind of almost that there’s a transitionary feeling there of being like, is this just our, if our normal is so much depression, so much anxiety, maybe we do need to question the normal instead.

MEL: Well, I look at that in terms of reading about this horrible realm, a statistic of anxiety with young people. And I look at it and I said, well, it makes sense to me that they have such anxiety. Why? In many parts of the country, we are stealing childhood from children, unintentional child abuse. So then that child doesn’t have free time, play time, creative time, curiosity time, adventure time. Everything is scheduled. And I work with very affluent clientele, so it’s even worse there. So in third grade, that kid’s being groomed to get into an Ivy League school. They buckle under that pressure, right? So parents don’t understand that success doesn’t bring happiness. It may bring suicide if it’s fostered in an unreasonable way. So why is there this outbreak of anxiety amongst kids? Because they’ve lost childhood. They’re being treated as young adults at tender ages of being children.

MEL: So I realized this before I ever became a therapist. My son comes home with his fifth grade report card that’s a bit disappointing. I give him the normal conversation. He looks at me, he says, Dad, I’m just in fifth grade. I’m just a kid. My grades don’t count. When I get to high school, I’ll get on it. So I thought, he’s kind of saying to me, like, you know, in baseball, in spring training, the exhibition season, you don’t try to play to win, you try to get into shape. And he’s saying to me, I’m just a kid. Would you let me just be a kid? And it just stunned me, the wisdom. I see, you know, that was 25 years ago. Now I see this outbreak, this unintentional child abuse, where we’re turning children into these robotic, calculating, inquisitive people. And by the way, there’s no intellectual curiosity being developed. What grade did you get on that? What did your teacher say? Did you hand your report in? Are parents saying to kids, what do you think about that? What are your thoughts about that?

MEL: You know, Columbus is a hero. But if you live in a different part of the world, Columbus would be a villain. A lot of people got slaughtered. The victors, the conquerors got to write the history book. How different would it be if the other people were like, you create an intellectual curiosity. There’s an absence of that.

DWIGHT: In fact, it’s seen as so threatening a lot of times. Columbus is a good example. I like to play around with that once in a while and test the waters with people and say, yeah, it’s Columbus Day.Some people, I’m not sure. He’s kind of a jerk, right? Try that and see what people do, right? People, oh, I have this sacred view because that’s what I’ve been told about Columbus. And I’m not trying to get all lost in the weeds on Columbus. But to even suggest, right? People have such a strong reaction. And I think that our brains are so good at, whether it’s confirmation bias or we just kind of repeat the cycles of what, to use your word, trained. It’s interesting because I mean, I use that word in therapy all the time when I talk about the ways that we’ve been from trauma or abuse or whatever, we get trained, right? The way we’re treated as a training. And I like how you compared that to like an animal being trained to jump through a hoop, right? We get trained to start abusing ourselves eventually with those expectations, you know, when even when there’s no one around for us.

MEL: And so that training comes from parents, school, the culture at large. There’s this tremendous drive toward consensual reality where people are afraid to be autonomous themselves. And that’s why people are lacking in resilience. Ralph Waldo Emerson did a great piece on resilience. Resilience comes from not having to follow the path of conformity. Follow my own path. That’s resilient.

DWIGHT: It’s funny when you mentioned the achievement based kind of thing. I think that it’s interesting that any of us who’ve been through a letter grade system growing up, right? A doesn’t really stand for anything. B doesn’t really stand for anything. C doesn’t stand for anything. D doesn’t stand for anything. And let’s skip E by the way, so that we can, this is in a field by the way, that is professionally known for educating. We’re going to skip a letter and we all know what F stands for, right? F is a word. It’s not just, it’s fail. And by the way, let’s get E out of there because we can’t think of a properly shaming word with E. So we want to put a big red F and we all know what it means, you know? So it is an interesting emphasis that we have to say none of the other letter grades have an automatic name. You know, C.

MEL: That’s a good point, Dwight. And we don’t have a better word for failed, which is not yet succeeded.

DWIGHT: Sure.

MEL: I didn’t just succeed. That doesn’t mean I failed. Failed means game over. Finished. End of the day.

DWIGHT: In education, right, even just saying like what it really should represent. And I think, and there’s plenty of good teachers who do look at it this way and try to teach the students, but we use the same concept to say instead of fail, right? And we just say like, oh, I haven’t grasped that concept yet. That’s what a test is supposed to measure. It’s not supposed to measure if I’m a good enough person. But I think to that feeling of pressure, we tie that and so much of it also goes into the economics of the situation, you know, to say as, as a college degrees became like more and more necessary for more and more jobs and more and more assumed and as the cost and debt go up and as the need for salaries increased and cost of living, also what’s gone up is academic dishonesty, right? There’s only so many that have done where people cheat, but then you look at it and say if you’ve got, if, if school and education, it feels like a, pardon me, the violence of the expression, but a gun to my head and I, and failure is not an option if I’m going to be able to do all the things I’d like to do in my life. Well, it makes a little more sense to be a little more flexible about the ethics of that, right? And not just saying that leads to that. Like, you know, you’d, you’d throw a bunch of eggs and chocolate chips and flour in a bowl and put it in the oven and you get cookies out and say, how did these get here? You know, that doesn’t make any sense.

MEL: Yeah. Yeah. Just an enigmatic mystery.

DWIGHT: Yeah.

MEL: But, but that notion of fail in all aspects of life, not just a grade is horrific. It’s damaging and punishing. I didn’t yet succeed. I’ll keep at it until I do.

DWIGHT: Yeah. And may the way, by the way, maybe I don’t have to succeed equally at everything. Maybe it’s not my thing, you know.

MEL: But we live in this cultural drive for success. I was working years ago with a nationally seeded tennis player. And I asked him out of curiosity, you play any other sports? He said, no. I said, never. He said, never. I said, how come? He said, I just wasn’t excellent at anything else. I said, so you wouldn’t play a sport unless you were excellent at it. He said, yeah, of course. I said, wow.

MEL: When I was a kid, I loved playing baseball. I was just average. I imagined myself to be Mickey Mantle, but I was average. I wouldn’t have given up for anything. You see how the experience becomes all consumed by the stamp of how good you are, how excellent you are. I watch guys on the golf course, recreational golfers, and they’re throwing hissy fits, shit fits all over the place, throwing their clubs out. I said, you’re not in the tournament. This isn’t your career. Have fun. But this drive for excellence is part of the underbelly of anxiety and depression. At least I think so.

DWIGHT: It makes, well, it works for me. I know I think so too, and I think that’s what we see with a lot of people and how they’re reacting to it. And are we really so far out of step with where we should be because of how we feel, or is it because of some of these things we interact with? And that begs that question. Am I insane or am I sane in an insane place? You know, that kind of a thing, right? That’s how we’re.

MEL: Ultimately, the distinction falls away, right? Because a distinction is something our mind made up, right?

DWIGHT: Right. Those are labels too. Yeah. Speaking of, I mentioned the Simpsons earlier. There’s a famous classic episode of the Simpsons where Homer Simpson goes through some weird series of events, goes into a mental institution, asylum kind of award. And he asks them at some point, how can you even tell who’s sane and who’s insane? And they stamp his hand and it says this big red insane on his hand. They go, it’s very simple. The insane people have that stamp on their hand.

DWIGHT: So well, this is, I mean, this has been such a great conversation. I could just keep going and going with it. I’m really grateful for you. I always like to ask everybody if they have a suggestion of a nonprofit, a way to give back to the community or connect with people, maybe a specific charity, something that’s near and dear to your heart. It can be related to absolutely anything. Doesn’t have to be, especially because I’ve learned from you about how inseparable everything is. So I guess it is connected no matter what it is.

MEL: Well, for me, there are many tragedies in life, but when I see young lives come to an end either through suicide or addiction, that’s just so morally reprehensible. So I don’t have a favorite or particular charity, but I would say any charity that does some good work to save young lives.

DWIGHT: Great. No, that’s important. A very important movement, because especially speaking of endemic, that’s a whole other episode we could spin into about that, that problem being there. And I always like to include too, right? There’s also the loss of damage of quality of life. Statistically speaking, more people, right, have their quality of life damaged than have their life actually ended. So they’re both hand in hand. Yeah, I really appreciate that mention for people out there to look and remember that. And Mel, I really appreciate you taking the time to be here today. I feel very, very fortunate.

MEL: It’s a really charged, interesting conversation that you participate with. So it’s my pleasure being on the show with you.

MEL: I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel at melschwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show, and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts, and that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again, and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #132 Quantum Physics and Psychotherapy first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 131 asks a simple question: How is your relationship with yourself?

The most important relationship we’ll have in our lives is our relationship with ourselves. So, how’s it going? Do you like yourself? In your self-talk, are you validating, or negative? Do you allow yourself the time, space, and energy to nurture yourself?

How we treat ourselves is often reflected in how we treat others. In this episode, I explain why our own personal, inner sense of success is the key to sustaining happiness in life.

I’d love to hear what you think! Be sure to leave a comment with your own thoughts and questions!

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #131Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Today I’m going to be speaking very directly to the possibilities that await us or the possibilities that we deny ourselves by taking a dive into looking at our relationship with our own self on the most subtle and on the most personal level. Considering do you like yourself? Do you validate yourself? What are the messages you give yourself?

What is the intimate relationship with yourself that perhaps or most likely you’ve never even considered because that my friends is the source of how you’re going to experience your life and how other people are going to experience you. The thought to share this topic came to me while I was facilitating a therapy session just today.

I was working with a woman who is a physician and she works in the hospital and at times she is on call. Now this is not a young woman right out of medical school. She’s approaching middle age and has children and is married and when she is on call perhaps once a week it is ruinous. We understand sleep hygiene, being on call means sleep deprivation, grave consequences but the reason I was looking at her being on call and going along with it was around how she didn’t value herself. So I started to ask some questions.

Do you have to be on call? She hesitated a bit and said to me, well probably not. Well then why are you on call? Would there be negative consequences to your not being on call? She shrugged her shoulders and said no. Then why are you causing harm to your health, your well-being, your family by suffering terrible sleep deprivation at least once a week?

We talked about this for weeks. We talked about it perhaps for months until I could urge her to get to the place of finally agreeing to address it with her supervisor at work. Well today she had great news. She had the meeting and she is no longer on call. I thought, wow cause for celebration. How is she feeling about herself? Did she give herself a pat on the back at least or share this great information in the celebratory way around what she did for herself? And she looked at me like I was speaking another language that she was not conversant with. She said, give myself a pat on the back, feel good? No, I’m too busy to do that. I don’t have the time.

I proposed to her that of course she has the time. It’s just a moment’s reflection, but I’m too busy. I have so much to do. I moved from one task to the next. I explained to her that she was like the cog in the machine. You know that cog in Newton’s worldview machine that I’ve spoken about? She was part of that machine and the cog with no inner relationship with herself other than how she was facilitating getting through her tasks of the day, day in and day out. But she was not cultivating any kind of relationship with herself.

Your primary relationship in life is your relationship with yourself, not with your spouse, your children or your parents and not with work. It’s your relationship with yourself. Depriving yourself of happiness results in depression or at the least just blindly going through life day in and day out like a hamster on a wheel.

So I shared with her a story personally. I had never really devoted myself to being in shape, working out, exercising. When I was young and at any point in life, I never had any issues with weight. So the motivation to work out, to lose weight was not there for me. But as the years go by, I’ve come to understand clearly that if I want to be healthy and live an optimal life and thwart disease and slow down aging, I need to be fit. I already take great care of my nutrition, but I needed exercise. So I’ve gotten the habit of what I’m going to call power walking or it’s called power walking. It looks silly. I’m walking, but racing as fast as I can.

And I recently purchased an Oura ring, which I greatly recommend, which allows me to track everything including my fitness. So I have a path that I take once a day and it’s a mile and I time it. And it’s a power walk. And I had been doing 15 minutes or 16 minutes to power walk the mile, but I got competitive with myself. I wanted to get my heart rate up. I wanted to get into better shape. And so I kept knocking off 10, 15, 20 seconds off my time. Then intermittently through the power walk, I begin to jog. Ultimately, the jog turned into a bit of a sprint. So over that mile, three or four times, I would sprint for maybe a hundred yards. I was having a hard time, however, breaking my personal barrier of a 14 minute mile. This weekend, I did it. 13 minutes and 55 seconds, my power walk mile.

I was proud as a peacock. I came home. I told my wife, I told my children, I texted them. I texted my brother. I was proud of myself.

That’s the key. I was proud of myself. I shared this with my client. I felt good about me. Could I say I was too busy to feel good about me? That would be ridiculous. In fact, I wasn’t too busy to choose not to share it with those I loved and cared about. I congratulated myself. It just took a moment. I explained to my client that I wouldn’t say I don’t have the time. It’s a moment. I asked her to think about what is her life’s purpose. Is it simply her productivity? How about cultivating a relationship with herself? Do you feel good about yourself? Invite it in. Allow it.

A relationship with yourself is a mirror to your relationship with everyone else. I was curious about this absence, this void of her allowing herself to feel good about herself. So we explored her childhood and not for the first time. And I learned that her reward, her affirmation from her parents was about moving successfully from one achievement to the next. But she never felt special. As a child, she never felt special as a person. She never learned how to nurture herself, whether it’s her health, her nutrition, her parenting, her work as a physician. It was robotic. She’d been going through life robotically. And with that, her only takeaway ultimately was, I don’t matter. I just have work to do. I have to function. And I don’t matter. There are things to get done. I’m off to my next task.

Not coming up for air and acknowledging herself, not nurturing herself. You know, you can be successful and you can be productive and you can value yourself as well. That’s what I call inner success. Inner success, valuing yourself leads to happiness. Happiness requires inner success. You can have all of the external success and achievement and rewards in life, but it’s going to leave you incomplete and shallow if you don’t allow yourself inner success, feel good about yourself.

Look at yourself. Think about yourself. Smile to yourself. I did well.

For her, it was stepping out of the straight jacket and conformity of life and asking her supervisor or insisting that she just couldn’t be on call anymore. By not being on call, she could open up to treating herself well. But the next step is where we ventured today. And it was an opening up to rewarding herself financially. How many of us go through life without the gratification of emotionally rewarding ourselves, feeling good about herself? And by the way, when you do that, you have a tremendous reserve of happiness and gratitude and good feelings that you can share with others. They experience you entirely differently.

So the takeaway for today is life is about much more than the work, the business, the challenges and the tasks of life. The source to a life well lived is to have a joyful, healthy, inner relationship with yourself where the first person to feel good about you is not someone external to you. Feel good about yourself. That doesn’t mean that you’re turning a blind eye to things that you need to be self-critical about. It doesn’t mean that at all. It just means you’re nurturing yourself. And if you nurture yourself, then you are in a position to nurture others.

So give this some thought. Are you kind to yourself? Do you have thoughts and feelings where you embrace yourself and take that step forward in your own unity? If you don’t, ask yourself what’s in the way and get started. And if you do, keep it going and give yourself more of it. It’s joyful.

Until next time, be well and nurture yourself.

Bye for now.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel at melschwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show, and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts, and that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again, and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #131 Do You Nurture Yourself? first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Let’s talk about aging not just gracefully, but positively, in The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 130.

While we might find it easy to adopt a negative attitude toward aging as we move into our fifties, sixties, seventies, and beyond, there are many positive aspects to aging.

Embracing the rewards of aging can quite literally help keep us young in every way save the chronological. In this episode, I’ll list a few of the advantages and benefits to positive aging, and help you achieve the necessary shift of mind for this healthy perspective.

I’d love to hear what you think! Be sure to leave a comment with your own thoughts and questions!

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #130Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Hello everyone. We’re going to explore the topic around the concept of aging. What does the word aging typically imply historically? Well, it’s limiting. We age, we’re running out of youthful vitality. We’re running out of possibilities ordinarily. We’re winding down the clock, our biological clock.

The notion of aging is depressing. It’s narrowing. It speaks about a retreat from life. But there is a new vista of aging occurring and some of it has to do with the profound medical advances. As we come into certain ages, 60s, 70s, 80s, even 90s, people are medically fit. You can be physically fit. Last week I read about a 93 year old man who could get his heart rate up to 136 beats per minute almost instantly. He was just focused on rowing and lifting weights.

But here’s the good news. He didn’t begin this exercise regimen until he was 73. He’s a youthful 93.

The data, the research, the scientific breakthroughs about staying fit and healthy and conscious and sentient well into our 80s and 90s and arguably we’re moving towards centurions living well. This is all available to us, but not if we don’t open to a new mindset.

I’m speaking on this topic because I’m entering that place myself. It’s hard for me to believe that I am in my 70s. I think as though I’m in my 40s or 50s, I feel fitter and healthier than I have in 30 years. Yet I’m aware of my age, but I’m not acting that age. What we think and how we feel and how we act is what really tells us our age. We shouldn’t reduce ourselves to this notion of biological age. Our age is more a factor of how we think, how we feel and how we see.

So this notion of positive aging, of wellness requires a shift of mind. One of the advantages we have when we come into a certain age, hopefully it allows us to access wisdom. And what is wisdom? It’s about knowing how to live well. It’s about understanding what really matters, not getting caught up in the grind and the conveyor belt of conventionality and conformity and competing and just acquiring. We come to the place where we see that, well, maybe it was something we chose to go through or had to go through, but now it doesn’t matter.

What really matters? Peace of mind, close relationships and a reason for living. Curiosity is the key to aging. Well, curiosity is such an essential at any age, but curiosity provokes new learning. Every day waking up with something new to learn, to develop, to experience. These are the things that really matter, especially when we have completed taking care of many of the challenges and necessities that come with earlier in life, raising a family.

There is an integrity that is available to us when we reach a certain age. That integrity is being in harmony with our own self. Again, being at peace with yourself and choosing to be at peace with others. This leaves us with the ability for a gratifying life, meaning and purpose.

You know, earlier in life, we don’t seek meaning and purpose and it’s probably because we don’t have a philosophy for living well. You cannot live well without meaning and purpose in your life. So as we age and we are not distracted by so many of the things that we were earlier, the meaning and purpose may involve a spiritual reckoning, which is what is my life all about? And as I’ve mentioned before, the fear of death just is so decimating. Open up, talk about it, discuss it with friends, relatives, other people, come to your own spiritual awareness. What does it mean to you? Is it the end of your physical being? Is it the end of your being?

You know, asking those questions like, what would I do differently if I could live my life over? Well, the next moment is an ability to live your life differently. Tomorrow is an ability to live your life differently. You don’t need to be young. You just need to be present and to be curious and developing new relationships, new interests, having new experiences are not just for the young at heart.

You can still choose to live your life without regrets. You may not go jump out of a plane and parachute. You may not take on risky things physically, but you can take on risks emotionally and psychologically with positive aging. You know, one of the risks that people often don’t take is the conversations they’ve never had. Boy, how that constrains us. The conversations that you could have that you never did because you chose to play it safe. Choose not to play it safe.

What’s the risk? Have those conversations. Open up, ask new questions of yourself and of others. There are so many opportunities that await us with the concept of positive aging.

But first we have to shift the paradigm. If you’re feeling you’re aging physically and mentally, it is not too late. Stop. Try a new path. Devote yourself to eating well, to exercising, to stretching your mind. You know, stretch your mind with new thinking and new learning. Creates an absolutely new experience of life. And it’s never too late to develop new relationships. And those relationships don’t need to be with people of our own age. I’ve developed relationships with the young people who I go out and buy a cup of coffee from in the morning. The baristas, we start to chat. I ask them about their lives. They open up. I can start to mentor them. That gives me a meaning and a purpose.

Of course, my work provides enormous meaning and purpose for me, but for everybody listening, think about what would provide you with meaning and purpose. What path can you venture down that you’ve never explored before and never opened up to before? Take those risks. There is vitality and energy and stepping into new terrain, asking new questions, having new experiences and devoting yourself to your wellness, not to the self-limiting narrowing of aging. Choose differently and you can experience the great rewards of positive aging replete with wisdom, meaning, purpose, and integrity. Go for it and model that for all the younger people around you.

Let’s return to an earlier age. Let’s return to earlier epics in history when elderly people were revered. And you know what? I don’t like the word elderly either. Drop that language. Forget about age. Venture forth in life. Be positive about yourself and your experiences and harvest all the rewards that are available to you right now.

Go for it, my friends.

Until next time, positive aging to you, no matter what age you are. Be well and I look forward to seeing you soon. Bye for now.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel at melschwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show, and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts, and that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again, and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #130 The Rewards of Positive Aging first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 129 is inspired by a book I’m reading around the time I recorded this, Determined by Robert Sapolsky. What is free will? Has Sapolsky proven it doesn’t exist? What are the implications?

Listen as I argue that free will can be considered from an approach other than the purely scientific, and how that holistic perspective is central to my own commitment to help you escape the influences of your past experience in order to embrace possibility and live a rich and fulfilling life.

I’d love to hear what you think! Be sure to leave a comment with your own thoughts and questions!

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #129Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Today we’re going to dive into one aspect of the nature of possibility. Possibility on the human level kind of implies that we have free will. If we don’t have free will, then what is possible and what is not possible has nothing to do with us.

I have just been reading a fascinating book on the nature of free will. It is called Determined and the author is Robert Sapolsky. Sapolsky is a professor of biology, neurology, and neurological sciences at Stanford University. Very, very noteworthy intellectual scholar. And virtually everything he’s written has caused a visceral, a deep visceral reaction in me. I cannot dispute his empirical research and science and perhaps his conclusions. And yet on an innately intuitive and visceral level, I want to scream, I want to argue. It’s contrary to my core beliefs.

Sapolsky suggests that we are a product of our lived experience. And by this he means that our DNA, our biology, the society and culture and subculture that we are in, our cultural norms, our lived experiences, all create a scenario by which we may think that we’re consciously making decisions and choices, but they’re all rather programmed into us, not in a simplistic, reductive way, but in what he calls an emergent complexity. The variables are rather infinite, but in their infinite complexity, they form our decision making process and that we make decisions without even knowing that we are making them. It’s actually our neurons firing and making our decisions for us, even if we are unaware that we have already made the decision.

The conclusion from his thesis is astounding. We are at the mercy of our lived experience and our neurons, and therefore there’s no fault, there’s no blame because there’s no free will. In other words, Sapolsky’s proposing that there is no actual intentionality because our will is not free, it is a complex that is decided for us. If there’s no free will, the entire basis of jurisprudence of the legal system falls away because number one, nobody is to blame, nobody can be held at fault if we have no free will. And furthermore, there’s no issue of intentionality. We are simply biologically reactive on the level beneath our conscious attention.

Taking Sapolsky’s thesis even further, there’s no morality. How can we have a moral code absent of free will? If we have no ability to behave or not behave, to act or not act in a certain way, Sapolsky would be arguing that we are imprisoned by everything that has preceded us and we are not agents of free will. So the absence of free will means it’s all in our programming and it’s all predetermined.

Again, not in a reductive way, but what Sapolsky calls emergent complexity. There is such insane amount of complexity going on and our decision is made even before our brain is aware of the decision.

I am only halfway through the book, but my reaction is so strong and the dissonance is tremendous because his arguments sound scientifically valid. I’m certainly in no position to argue them, but every aspect of my intuitive being wants to cry out in objection. After all, I am a proponent, a passionate proponent of consciousness, of sentience, of rising above our biological limitations. And my life and my work is devoted toward helping everyone, myself included, to attaining the greatest capacity for free will that we can. Boy, you can just begin to appreciate how this book has triggered me.

Now, have you ever in your life felt an instinct or an urge to do something that you knew was wrong, morally wrong, legally wrong, ethically wrong, and you chose not to do it? Let’s suppose it’s infidelity or an adolescent excitement of stealing something and not getting caught and perhaps you didn’t do it and you didn’t do it opposed to your instinct to do it because you had a moral consideration, you knew it was wrong. And I guess Sapolsky would argue that if you didn’t do it, that was part of your programming. I appreciate this argument, but I think of it differently.

I think of embracing the dissonance between what we want and what we think is right or what we think will cause pain or harm to another or to our own self. Embracing that dissonance is where creativity and growth lie. That’s the emergent field for me, that dissonance. How about the free will to break past the harms that have been done to you if you have been abused or you grew up in a childhood absent of love or nurturing? Can you break past those harms done toward you by emerging in a healthy, sensible way and living a life full of vitality? Of course you can. I can appreciate what Sapolsky’s argument would be, but my argument is that when we rise above the limitations of our neurons and the functioning of our brain, there is consciousness, there is sentience, a deeper manifestation of creative intelligence. For us, leaving Sapolsky’s argument aside, what does free will mean to us on a more mundane, non-scientific level?

Free will requires the ability, the freedom to break free from our past in some way, to choose differently than we’ve been inclined to choose. That’s where growth emerges. But freedom, having the freedom from not attaching to conformity is a large part of free will. Think about the stress and the imposition of societal and cultural norms of conformity, what we can or can’t say, how we can or can’t dress, how we can or can’t engage one another. We are robotic in our acquiescence to societal conformity. Think about children at play. How have they learned the rules of engagement of a culture? Children have not yet conformed, but in an all too early age, our culture, our parenting teaches children to come into conformity, to act and behave in a certain way, in a programmed way.

Ultimately, free will for me requires freedom from old thought and old felts. So remember, and I have shared this any number of times and wrote about it extensively in my book, The Possibility Principle, old thought imprisons us. Throughout our lives, we continue to replicate hundreds of thousands, arguably millions of times the same recurring old thoughts. And when we have old thoughts, they summon up the old feelings, the old felts that attach to those thoughts. We certainly can’t access free will when we are imprisoned by old thought.

The philosopher Alfred North Whitehead created the term which I had never seen before, I think he created it, that term is concrescence. Concrescence is the stirring of energy before a material thing becomes material. In other words, he’s proposing that energy is stirring in a certain way before it becomes material. I worked with his notion of concrescence to develop the ability to know that it’s the stirring, the energy that ultimately becomes a thought. Now that’s just a nanosecond, but in that nanosecond, feeling that energy preceding the thought allows me to see the thought break free from the thought and just see it and say, ah, that’s an old thought, it’s an old feeling, I’m not going there. In that nanosecond, and to use a quantum physics terminology in that state of superposition where I am poised in a place of infinite possibility, boy is there free will there. It’s a learned skill, but you can learn how to do it.

So the intention here is to be able to become the master, to see my old thoughts and my old feelings and not succumb to them. In that nanosecond between the thoughts and the feelings that I’ve always had, in that nanosecond I exist in the state of pure possibility. Now pure possibility is of course free will.

How do you actualize this intention to break free from the past? The past could be the past moment, the past lifetime, the past decade. I’m sure you know some people and see some people who seem to access change easily. Is that because it’s in their programming as Sapolsky would propose? Or is it they have access to that level of consciousness, they’ve broken free from the constraints of old thought?

Becoming conscious, becoming sentient, sentient is self-awareness, awareness of my thought. Becoming conscious and sentient, breaking free from the grip of old thought allows us to transcend the amalgam, the conglomeration of all our past experiences. Now it doesn’t change our DNA, an argument Sapolsky might make, but remember DNA is not an imprint of a direction you have to take, it is simply a suggestive state, you can shift the direction that antenna is programming you in. In a way what I’m speaking about here is the field of epigenetics, in which shifting our environment, shifting our consciousness allows us to break free of the grip of direct programming of DNA.

So to transcend this complex amalgam of our past experience to access consciousness and sentience requires breaking free of the conglomeration of old thought and old felts and old beliefs, temporarily suspending them. I’m not proposing that you can go through your life without having thought and feeling, but it’s in that moment, in that nanosecond when you can break free from it, that you can choose differently, and choosing differently on every level, to me, looks like free will.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences and comments on this very, very intriguing dilemma. Until next time, wishing you the freest will that your free will can provide for you, as long as you do no harm to yourself and do no harm to others. Looking forward to talking with you again soon.

Bye for now.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel at melschwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show, and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts, and that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again, and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #129 So Do You Think We Have Free Will? first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In episode 128 of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, let’s talk about the way the mindless programming of the everyday script robs us of our vitality, curiosity, and awe, desecrating our ability to be present and authentic in our relationships with others and ourselves.

What can we do to break free from reactionary, transactional, reductionist routine and reawaken our sense of wonder?

The answer is in this episode!

Listen, and then I’d love to hear what you think! Be sure to leave a comment with your own thoughts and questions!

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #128Hello everybody and welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Possibilities require that we not program ourselves, that we don’t program our thoughts, our feelings, our beliefs, that we free ourselves from programming. Otherwise, how do we ever achieve what’s possible? My thinking today is around how this impacts us in our relationships and our primary relationships with one another, romantic relationships and other close intimate relationships. So I’d like to discuss how we find ourselves programmed and how we can deprogram ourselves so our relationships can thrive and we can thrive.

I believe that we desecrate our humanity and our individuality and we desecrate our relationships as well, which should be a sacred place where our love surfaces and our sense of humanity prospers. This degrading and denigrating of ourselves is part and parcel of what I’m calling programming, where we’re not alive sufficiently. We’re not aware, we’re acting from a programming. I’m not speaking here of an intention to desecrate myself or the other in a relationship. The desecration is just an inevitable outcome.

So a very subtle form of this desecrating, this mind numbing is about the programming, which has us react in the same way, speak in the same way, think in the same way, use the same tones, the same reactions, the same mindlessness to just resurface this moment in and moment out in our relationships. The essence of this invalidating of this desecration is really due to not being present. If we’re programmed, we’re not present. We’re operating from the program.

In our relationships, what does that look like? It can look like asking the same questions or not asking new questions, making the same comments. It’s about a lack of vitality. It’s about an absence of curiosity, an absence of awe, and an absence of wonder. Curiosity, wonder, and awe are required for happiness in life. Otherwise, we’re just transactional.

Without this sense of awe and wonder, we are robotic, going through our days, doing what we have to do, taking care of what we need to do, but there’s not a greater engagement with life. And certainly we’re missing a greater engagement with each other.

Think about your relationship or your primary relationships. Are they transactional? Are you really engaged and creative? You know, mystery creates awe. When something is not at first altogether clear, there’s a sense of awe. And I’ve been thinking about the word awful. Awful is clearly a pejorative, negative. What is the etymology of the word awful? I haven’t looked into it yet, but here’s my instinct. Awful at a certain point in time, a certain deep history of consciousness, awful was something full of awe, mystery, and wonder. Relationships and romantic relationships may begin with a sense of awe. Awe is not being able to reduce something, like in a mathematical formula. Awe is requiring not knowing.

So previously, awful meant something full of wonder and mystery. But as we reduced ourselves to the programming of reductionist thinking, something that was not knowable and full of mystery became denigrated. So something full of awe became a negative, awful. We do this in our relationships. How often do you ask your partner, your relatives, your closest friends, new questions? We don’t. We ask formatted questions and we get formatted answers and we’re operating from a formula.

As I shared many, many episodes ago, I was having dinner with two dear friends who I had not seen in some time. And I thought going into that dinner, I wanted to provoke some real deep program conversation so we could all come into a new experience of ourselves and with each other. So we sat down and I asked my two dear friends, one is in the 70s, the other is 80. I said, do you guys think about death? What are your fears? How do you handle that? We all do that. That’s natural, particularly as you age. But there’s a programming that we don’t talk to each other about that. That programming anesthetizes us. It dumbs us down.

Our relationships with each other and our primary relationships become victims of this programming. Ask yourself this, when is the last time I asked my partner, my closest friend, a new question and received a new answer? Am I operating from a program? In romantic relationships, why does passion die? While sex becomes programmed, we know how and when and what frequency we’re going to make love and what it will look like. How often is there experimentation, a break from the norm? So the lack of curiosity, the lack of wonder, the lack of awe and asking each other how you each felt about your sexual encounter, far too infrequent. In a relationship, we commit to each other.

Now I’m bouncing back to committed relationships, romantic or what should be romantic relationships. Hopefully they were romantic to begin with. What are we committing to? We’re committing to fidelity. I’ll love you forever. But we don’t commit to the process. The process is what keeps us alive. What is the process of a relationship? To return the mystery, the wonder, the awe and sharing your own individual questions of your own selves. I wonder about this. Have you ever wondered about that? What do you think about that? Coming out of the artificial, superficial programming of our lives. Our personal life is a narrative and it’s a deep, complex tapestry. We need to open that tapestry up to each other.

You see in a relationship, we typically tend early on at least to complete each other. You know, my other half, that expression which I’ve spoken about before. So in quantum physics, there’s something called complementarity, which is the opposite. The opposite is needed to complete. So without night, there is no day. Without love, there is no hatred. That’s complementarity. But in our personalities, if we just stay attuned to the complementarity, to the opposition of each other, we don’t grow and prosper. Engage your own tapestry and open up to it. That’s why we trigger each other because we haven’t engaged in our own complex tapestry. Ask yourself when you feel triggered by the other, think about the term my button. The emphasis should be on the word my. It’s not about the other person. Why did you push my button? What do I have to look at in myself? And what do I need to open up to and share with you? Do we simply complement each other? And complement here is C-O-M-P-L-E-M-E-N-T. It doesn’t mean give each other praise. Complement means complete each other. The goal is not to complete each other, but to work toward a completion of self. And that’s the wrong term because we never complete ourself. It’s a process.

So coming back to my primary theme here today, we operate from programming. We learn that programming from our parents as children. We learn that programming from our culture. We don’t ask new questions. We don’t allow ourselves new thoughts. We play the game of life and the game of relationship within the boundary of the rules of engagement. Break the damn rules. They dumb us down. They desecrate our lives and our relationships. To thrive in your relationship with yourself and with others, you must deprogram yourself. Why would we want to live our lives from a programming? Step out of line and worry about what someone else will think about you? Does that make sense?

And who are these other people that were concerned about what they will think? Remember that’s what I call other esteem. Authentic self-esteem requires breaking free of the grip of programming. And programming is the death knell of a relationship. As always, you need to embrace the uncertainty in a relationship by asking new questions, forging into new territory, not in a way that you’re accusing each other, but that you’re provoking each other to growth, toward sharing and toward a greater vulnerability. Love requires vulnerability and vulnerability cannot very well exist under a programming template. To be vulnerable means to be open with wonder and curiosity, perhaps confusion, awe. This requires coming out of the programming, breaking free and accessing your humanity, which will help you personally. And boy, what a change it can make in your relationships. Well, give those things some thought and ask yourself, where am I programmed? What does coming out of that programming look like and share it with others, share it with those closest to you in your life. Your relationship can become vital and real.

Until next time, embrace those possibilities, access your uncertainty, be healthy and get yourself deprogrammed. Bye for now.

The post #128 Awakening Your Relationships first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 127 of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz looks at that common refrain of the unhappily married: they stayed together “for the sake of the children.”

Is that really why, or is there a hidden motivation at work? And is a loveless relationship full of conflict really the best environment for a child?

I’ll answer these questions and present some alternative perspectives on how we view successful, healthy families.

Listen, and then I’d love to hear what you think! Be sure to leave a comment with your own thoughts and questions!

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #127Hello everybody and welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.Hello everyone and welcome to this episode of the Possibility Podcast. I’d like to wish you all a very happy and a very healthy and prosperous new year. I hope you’re doing this not just financially, but emotionally, spiritually, and in your quest for whatever you’re questing for. I’m going to be speaking to you today about the belief that many people have around children, marriage and divorce.I wrote an article quite a few years ago entitled “For the Sake of the Children,” and that’s just what I’m going to call this episode. An inquiry around the term for the sake of the children. What does that term mean?I’ve so often heard people in conflicted or unhappy marriages or simply loveless marriages that they’re staying together for the sake of the children. The implied message there is the children will be better off living in an intact family and spared from the negative effect of divorce. That makes sense at first glance, but it really requires a deeper, more thoughtful consideration as do most of our beliefs. Most of our commonly held beliefs we don’t examine and we don’t really look at them and determine if they really make sense, if they’re valid. That’s critical thinking. When we do examine them too often, they just don’t hold up under that scrutiny. This may well be the case here around this term for the sake of the children.So a number of questions come to mind. Are we really staying together for the sake of the children or are we perhaps fearful of coming to terms with our own lives? The fear of being on my own, starting over, what my future looks like as a divorced person. And in those circumstances, are we actually using the children as our justification, if not a scapegoat? Secondly, is divorce in and of itself necessarily harmful to children? And the last consideration that I’d like to discuss is what are the effects of remaining in an intact family who we choose not to divorce, but there’s a lot of conflict or anger, or even simply an absence of affection.Let’s take a look at these questions.As our children grow older, they tend, emphasis on the word tend, to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled. As parents, we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle as we might be in our marriage, yet that’s a great likelihood. So it’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t really taken to heart. It’s just lip service. If we don’t have the courage to live up to that ideal and just leave it as words, what we model for them is very much what we might expect for them to have in their future relationships.From this perspective, we might question the sincerity of the expression for the sake of the children. If we want our kids to have joyful and successful relationships, shouldn’t we be providing them with the best example we can of what that looks like? No, it’s kind of like do as I say or do as I do. Living in mediocrity or worse than mediocrity burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright, but perhaps the exception.Countless times in my practice, working with adult clients of divorced parents, reflecting back on their childhood, they’ll say they wish their parents had not waited until they were out of the house to divorce. So often we’re going to wait for the kids to go off to college. Don’t do that. That makes a mockery of your marriage and it makes the kids feel guilty that you stayed together just for them. It creates a mockery of the institution of marriage. We owe our children much more than the physicality of intact family. We owe them our truth, emotional intelligence, not infrequently.People are sometimes just afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. I’ve heard that countless times. I’m 45 years old. Who’s going to want me? How could I start over? There are no good men out there. They’re all taken. Conversely, the same with women. And there are, of course, financial concerns, but underlying most of the fear is the fear of being alone. And that creates paralysis. So hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the sake of children is often fear.Other times it’s easier to blame your partner for your discontent than to come out of the sense of victimhood, forcing you to stay in the imprisonment of a hapless marriage. Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage. They’re passed down from generation to generation. They are not genetically inherited. It is not your DNA. And so the cycle continues. Now is that what we really wish for our children?It’s much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than to hide behind them, staying together for the kids. Now what would it look like to come to terms with a marriage that is conflicted, angry or loveless? Ask yourselves how we both done the work, the very best work we can do, exploring ourselves, our own challenges, our own roadblocks, and being in couples counseling as well as individual.Now divorce isn’t failure. Living in unhappiness is failure.Now I am under no circumstances suggesting the divorce be taken lightly. It’s a major critical life transition. And in some cases it is traumatic. We owe it to our children to make the most valiant attempt to work out our differences and live in a supportive and loving atmosphere that’s generative. This is after all the legacy we should be giving to our children. Our first priority should be to do just that. So if you’ve engaged in counseling individual and or couples and you’ve made every effort to grow and reconcile as a couple and can succeed, then staying married in fact might look like a failure. You see divorce in that case isn’t failure. Being wed to unhappiness is failure. It leads to depression and a host of other things. So again I repeat, divorce in and of itself isn’t failure. And living out your life in unhappiness looks like failure. Divorce in and of itself need not be harmful to children.Now a highly contentious, conflicted, adversarial divorce, which happens all too often with traditional divorces, hiring high-priced attorneys to make war with each other, that does wreak damage. But research indicates that most children adapt to their new circumstances of divorce. The transition of divorce within a few years, and anecdotally, after the tens of thousands of hours of therapy I’ve conducted with parents and with children, I can say within a few years the kids do adapt to new circumstances. Having two loving parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved.Conversely, remaining in relationships that perpetuate anger, disharmony, devaluation, belittling and a lack of positive interactions, that leaves an indelible scar on children. The good divorce, and that’s a divorce in which parents focus on the well-being of the children, not just the lip service, is becoming more and more commonplace. Either way, for the sake of the children, we should commit to making our marriages the best they can be. But if we do that and can’t succeed, we need to demonstrate lovingly to our kids that we all deserve happiness, even at the cost of divorcing. Having the courage to truly live our lives for the sake of our children should be our ethic.But it needs to be more than lip service. For the sake of the children, we need to make our marriages the priority in their lives, not just parenting, but our marriages as well. That is the legacy we owe our children. The marriage, the relationship should be the vessel through which we model this positive value, but not an excuse, an imprisonment that we’ve justified because of our children. What a horrible thing to do to them, to be the best parents we can be, we must be the best people we can be. That is what we owe our children.So divorce is complex, but we shouldn’t make a decision to divorce or not out of anything less than our deepest authentic truth. And if we have fears keeping us in the marriage, we owe it to our children to work through those fears.So if you’re in that position where you’re struggling around your decisions around marriage, children and divorce, I hope this has provided some insights for you. It’s just a jumping off point to really get you to look at these things deeper. And in all of my messages to you, don’t accept these common mottos and themes, uncommon sense. The topic of my new book is we need to throw away the common sense rule book, often it makes no sense at all.Until next time, a week from now, I wish you everything you deserve in your lives. See you soon. Bye for now.I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at Mel at Mel Schwartz dot com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at Mel Schwartz dot com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple podcast, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show. And it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the possibility podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. And that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again. And please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.The post #127 For the Sake of the Children first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

How can we change the direction of our lives? What does it take to break free of our personal status quo?

In episode 126 of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, I spell out why New Year’s Resolutions fail, and explain the key technique to achieve meaningful and lasting change.

Listen, and then I’d love to hear what you think! Has this quantum perspective on romantic relationships helped you? Be sure to leave a comment with your own thoughts and questions!

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #126Hello everybody and welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Hello everyone. I’d like to wish you all a healthy, happy, resilient, and prosperous new year and more than a new year, let’s say the rest of your life. You know, it’s the time of year where people often think about changes, how to make changes. People make commitments to themselves and have intentions for change, but we tend to fall short. New year’s resolutions always tend to fail us. And I’m going to try to explain to you why that is and what we need to do to overcome these obstacles to our growth, to our getting into the flow of life. Specifically, the theme that I address often, how our need for certainty puts us on a train track that keeps heading in the same territory.As I’ve explained often, if I don’t know something that leads to uncertainty and we have a cultural imperative that not knowing is ignorant. Well, knowing something for certain precludes insights, growth. Sometimes we need to try to develop a freedom from the known because the known frankly is boring. It’s predictable. It’s routine.You see, that’s the trap. If I think that I know and I know the answer, or in a relationship, I know how you feel, or I know the truth, that’s rigid and it’s constraining. It’s not inquiring and open. Think about the capacity for wondering and curiosity. That’s about not knowing. That’s full of life. That’s really engaging in the flow of your own experience. The rigidity of knowing means there’s nothing to discover. There’s no insight. There’s no thrill of not knowing, both in relationship with others and with yourself.I came across a quote recently from Daniel Kahneman, which goes like this, I enjoy discovering I was wrong because it means I’m now less wrong than before. I don’t know if that’s at first obvious what he’s saying, but if I discover I was wrong, I’m gaining in knowledge. The embrace of uncertainty in discovering I was wrong now means, ironically, I’m less wrong than I was previously. Learning I was wrong adds to my wisdom and my insight and makes me less wrong.Our relationship with uncertainty is what gets in the way of attaining growth or those New Year’s resolutions because you see, we have a desire to change something, an intention to change it, but then we cling to the predictability and certainty of our beliefs and our thoughts and our comfort zone and that all traps us. If you want to make those New Year’s resolutions come true, or forget the term New Year’s resolutions, if you want to make substantive change in your life, you need to let go of the rigidity of how you’re going to get there. You have to welcome and embrace some discomfort because things feel uncertain.There’s another aspect to really succeeding in making change. I wrote about this in the epilogue to my book, The Possibility Principle. It goes like this.To be able to access and manifest change and new possibilities first requires your intention to do so. We’re all familiar with that, but from my experience, so often people indicate their intention but they still don’t take the steps forward. That’s because intention alone doesn’t cut it, it’s not sufficient. To move forward, your intention needs to be coupled with will, willfulness.Think of a sailboat. You’re out at sea, you hoist the sail. That’s the equivalent of your intention to move, but if there’s no wind, you’re likely not going to go far, you’ll just drift. Now think of the wind billowing through the sail as being commensurate with your own willfulness. You see, typically the word willfulness can be seen as a pejorative. It speaks to somebody being stubborn or unwilling to change directions, they’re so willful. But that’s exactly the quality of resolve and determination that you need to make change in your life. You need willfulness.What separates those of us who provoke change and summon new possibilities into our life from those of us who struggle and feel stuck is this quality of single-minded willfulness. If you infuse your intention with this deep conviction, think of it this way, intention plus willfulness equals your possibilities, your change process. When you integrate new learning and skills and you fortify them with willful intention, you’re fully participating in your life’s experience. You’re navigating your own course. But if you allow hesitation to distract you, you’re screwed, you’re going to falter. Our core beliefs about ourselves and reality and the ensuing thoughts instruct us as to whether we have the willful intention or the lack of it. That’s what divides people.You know the expression, why I can’t, as opposed to why can’t I, that speaks to that bifurcation. Now why I can’t obviously expresses your thought looking for reasons not to succeed. Why can’t I opens the door to your future. Try paying close attention to which camp your thoughts fall into. And if it’s the former, ask yourself, where does this belief come from that I can’t, why I can’t.You now know the process you must engage to release that belief, that imprint of your limitations and confining wave collapses. See the source of what’s holding you back and that enables you to release it and move forward with why can’t I. Willful intention requires why can’t I. Surge forward. Make this the opportunity to make your change process an integral part of your life. But first you have to choose it and then you need that willful intention.What greater New Year’s resolution and New Year’s success can you bring into your life than doing just that. I wish you that willful intention. It makes life a completely different experience instead of living day in and day out and thought in and thought out. Is the same old replay. Embrace the uncertainty. You may not know exactly where you’re going, but that shouldn’t provoke fear. What that should do is stimulate excitement. Jump into the flow. It’s your time.I wish you well. Happy New Year to you. And I look forward to speaking with you again real soon. Bye for now.I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel at melschwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show, and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts, and that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again, and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #126 The Pathway to Your Change Process first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this 125th episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, let’s use a quantum physics metaphor to examine romantic relationships.

Throughout the episode, I define several terms new listeners to the show may not be familiar with, such as quantum entanglement, mechanistic thinking, wave collapse, and others.

Don’t worry, there’s no science or math involved!

By mapping the concepts of quantum physics onto romantic relationships and the experience of falling and being in love, we’ll see how to sustain romantic love and maintain intimate, authentic communication with our partner.

I’d love to hear what you think! Has this quantum perspective on romantic relationships helped you? Be sure to leave a comment with your own thoughts and questions!

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #125Hello everybody and welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Buckle up. We’re going to take another deep dive into the art and nuances of relationship. And again, as I have done in the past, I’m going to look at some aspects of relationship through a quantum perspective. For those of you who are new listeners, I will be defining again and describing some of the terminology that I’ll be using about quantum applications to relationship.

Let’s begin by looking at the nature, the experience of falling in love. You know, the experience of falling in love is altogether reminiscent of something called quantum entanglement. In quantum entanglement, two photons, which have a shared state, think of that as they are in proximity to one another, they’re forever connected no matter how distant they become from each other. The falling in love part requires a falling away of the individual boundaries. As two people merge significant parts of themselves, they become a whole. Some people will refer to this as my other half or my better half, which is a frightful expression in my opinion, because it means I’m incomplete and I can only complete myself through you. That’s a relationship built upon neediness and insecurity. I’m talking about the falling in love, which speaks to a coalescing and emerging of two individuals into this entangled state of oneness, just like the quantum particles or photons.

Now all living beings are actually energy fields. And as energy fields, we manifest through physical form. Energy becomes physical. Mere physical attraction to each other, you know, just sexual attraction on a sensory stimulation level, that’s being in lust. But it’s not quite the same as being in love. Being in lust can create a oneness and lend to falling in love. And falling in love can invite in a sense of lust. But falling in love requires that our energies coalesce with each other. When this happens, our energy field resonates with our partner’s energy field. Think about two vibrations harmonizing with each other. Those two individuals, for a period of time at least, are no longer distinctly separate. This energetic interchange happens simultaneously on physical, emotional, and spiritual levels.

That’s what we call falling in love. And it makes falling in love potentially the most fulfilling experience in life. Sadly, though, over the course of time, many people say that they may still love each other, but they fell out of love. There’s a common belief that as the years pass, falling out of love is natural and to be expected. I would suggest that it may be ordinary, but that shouldn’t make it natural. We retreat from the sense of oneness. It’s often caused by the influence of mechanistic thinking, otherwise known as Newtonian separation. The illusion of separation falls away to allow us to fall in love and be as one.

But after a while, we retreat back into the separation, into this illusion of separation. Falling in love and sustaining it requires maintaining the shared energy, the entanglement. What happens when we retreat from the oneness? We forget that we were separate people who merged as one and then we start to impose our oneness on each other. We begin to think that my beliefs and feelings ought to be your beliefs and feelings. We superimpose on each other our own script and when the other person does not conform to our script, it’s a falling out of love. When two individuals are entangled in the state of oneness, empathy is obviously naturally occurring.

Now, of course, empathy and compassion become unsustainable when we retreat to separation and excessive individualism. As a couple slips from that endorphin-laden experience of Eros, they each start to fend for their individual needs at the expense of their entangled coupling. Now, you should always maintain a healthy sense of yourself within a relationship, but you need to secure a balance, which means that you’re in harmony with yourself and you’re in equilibrium with the relationship. That balance is an art form.

Relationships always offer a special opportunity for personal growth, but they come with disturbances and challenges. I have never worked with a couple where I have not seen the learning opportunity for both people through their conflict and struggles. Interpersonal relations showcase the chronic issues that each person brings into the relationship. You see, we each have our own individual coping mechanisms and our wave collapses from childhood spill over into the relationship.

For those of you who are new to the show, a wave collapse refers to those very significant events that shaped our identity and beliefs from childhood. They could be acute or chronic, but they really created the form through which we see ourselves and we see reality. Through those wave collapses, we develop a tendency to blame each other for relationship problems and that results in each person feeling invalidated, upset, or angry. When this happens, we pull back from the sense of oneness and we experience ourselves as separate and distinct. We begin to differentiate issues as his problem or her issue. What began as a loving, connected union starts to dissipate into conflict and the oneness withers into separation.

I’ll provide an example. I had been working with a couple. In the early stages of their relationship, they had been together for perhaps less than a year. They weren’t married, but they thought of themselves as in a monogamous and committed union. Judy had been recently divorced. She had two college-aged children and she maintained a close and amicable relationship with her ex-spouse. As our sessions progressed, it became evident that Judy had a need, emphasized the word need for cordiality with her former husband. That was masking an underlying issue. She felt compelled to be well thought of by her children and their father, by most people. That compromised her authenticity because she avoided any risk of confrontation.

This was due to a childhood wave collapse in which she did not feel the proper attention or love for her mother. So her coping mechanism was to go to the extreme and make sure everyone thought well of her. Protecting herself from the threat of not being well liked, she appeased her ex-spouse and avoided providing appropriate parental guidance to her children. This provoked her new partner, Howard. He was perplexed by her behavior. He felt she was disloyal. He thought that Judy was more concerned about what her former husband felt than by what he himself felt. And I could see that. Judy’s desire to avoid confrontation, to make certain not to displease others, had its root in that childhood. So again, this is the coping mechanism she created as a child in defense of a primary wave collapse, not feeling loved by her parents and in particular her mother. She believed that other people would find her lovable only if she accommodated them.

Ironically, she ended up displeasing her new partner at the cost of not upsetting her former partner. Now, Howard came into this relationship with abandonment issues, dating back to his mother’s departure from his life at a terribly young age. She shared with me that his fear of rejection had affected his prior relationships as well. So Howard tried to calm his anxiety about Judy’s commitment to him by exhaustively examining her behavior, feeling unloved. He relentlessly critiqued her interactions, her emails and text exchanges with her children and her former husband. As a result, Judy felt perpetually blamed. Their relationship started to unravel and they blamed each other for its demise.

When we see our partner’s insecurities and challenges as separate and distinct from our own challenges, we become tricked by the illusion of separation. Their issues become our issues. The issues may be different, but they are not separate. Think of a drop of ink as you drop it into a beaker of water. The ink disperses throughout the water and you can no longer find its trail. The same thing happens in relationship. Each person’s fears and challenges and unresolved issues become interspersed with their partner’s challenges and that triggers more reactivity, exacerbating the problems. As Judy and Howard clamored to have their individual needs met, they started to become warlike with each other, competing with each other rather than tending to each other. This leads to a competitive energy that was the opposite of the energy of falling in love. What had been affirmation turned to repudiation and the ability to listen defaulted to right versus wrong attacks. They retreated from their loving engagement into a competitive spirit of toxic individualism. These themes are sadly commonplace in many relationships, but perhaps even more so in a romantic partnering than in platonic relations.

I often hear one person say, I have no issues, but my spouse certainly does. How incredibly silly. If you believe your partner has issues, they are going to affect you, which means you have an issue as well. When you try to compartmentalize and separate the other person and yourself into separate silos, you’re seeing through the lens and the illusion of Newtonian separation. Two people who are intimately connected must see themselves through the filter of a co-participation. Think of yourself on a seesaw with the other person. You’re up in the air, the other person’s on the ground. Can you move to the ground without changing the other person’s position? Nope. You are inextricably connected, each person affecting the other. If we move past the attitude that sets up a win-lose, you versus me stance and move into the perspective entanglement, into the perspective of oneness, we begin to operate from a win-win mindset. That is the heart of a participatory relationship.

As I continued working with Judy and Howard, I helped them recognize and take ownership of their habitual coping mechanisms, which were exacerbating each other’s sense of upset. I worked with Judy to develop a genuine self-esteem, enabling her to get past her fears about how others saw her. I helped Howard appreciate that Judy wasn’t abandoning him, but she was operating from fear as she avoided confrontation. Their problems were personal to both of them, but it was essential not to personalize them. They each came into their relationship with their own personal histories and their own confining wave collapses and fears. And these artifacts had an impact on how they felt about each other. But by choosing not to personalize the artifacts of their past meant that they had no intention to inflict pain on each other.

Unresolved challenges have unintended ripple effects, but it’s best not to succumb to the angry emotion that arises when we think they’re doing this to me. No, they’re not doing this to me. This is who they are. You see, entanglement allows for the rise of empathy, which can help us remember that we came into this coupling with another human who’s probably still working past the scars of their past, just as you are. I helped Howard depersonalize Judy’s fearful attachments to her ex’s approval and asked him to feel compassion for her. She was operating from a fear grounded in her childhood, long before he came into her life. It was greatly affecting him, but it wasn’t about him. She wasn’t choosing her ex over him. After some time, this approach began to succeed. Howard no longer felt threatened by abandonment, and he began to lighten up on Judy.

Now, when you find yourself in an adversarial situation with your partner, ask yourself, is she or is he intending to hurt me or devalue me? You might even ask your partner if it’s their intention to be hurtful. If harming you isn’t their intention, then try not to personalize the behavior. This is not to suggest you have to surrender and accept unhealthy behavior. You can say something like, I feel so unimportant to you when you ignore me or tell me I’m wrong. I feel hurt. Do you care how I feel? Remember the importance of not arguing facts, but asking, do you care how I feel? However, if you’re thinking the worst of your partner because you’ve personalized their behavior and you go on the attack, you’re going to trigger your partner’s worst reaction, not a connected and concerned response, and so you will both spiral down. Whether you choose to connect with empathy or to separate in conflict, whichever you choose, you’ll get the corresponding result. When our relationships become hurtful, conflicted, and in turmoil, and it becomes adversarial, we need to acknowledge or change something to shift the energy away from the illusion of separation and back toward entangled wholeness, oneness. Making that shift may mean changing our beliefs and our perceptions or our behaviors, or maybe all of the above. If you set your intention to reenter the energy field of the initial romantic entanglement, you can selflessly try to get in the other person’s shoes. Now this doesn’t mean you’re abandoning your position. It simply means loving and validating your partner.

If I try to appreciate and care about my partner’s upset feelings, I’m invoking a shift of energy. Connecting empathically with your partner is the most powerful thing you can do in troubled moments. It’s not easy, but it is powerful. It can turn the tide from a competition and an emotionally and verbally abusive exchange, perhaps, back into the loving energy field. If you try this approach consistently and with genuine affection and your partner doesn’t reciprocate, then you might well rethink whether the relationship is the right place for you to be.

Another way of shifting the energy of your relationship is to express positive feelings for your partner. You know, once a couple’s entangled participatory energy drifts into separation, we often default into sharing critical thoughts and feelings. Negativity then fills the space, often in therapy. When I’m working with one individual without their partner and they share something positive or appreciative about their partner, if I ask, did you share that with your husband, with your wife, or with your partner? It’s almost the absolute exception for them to say yes. Look at that. We become acclimated to sharing the negative, yet we’re reluctant or awkward to express positive approving feelings because we’ve gotten stuck in a groove of negativity and that widens the gap. We may be holding back approval or appreciation not to give the other person a stronger hand. That is a sign that we have set up separate battle stations.

So set your intention. If you feel good about something your partner said or did, share it with them. And before you go into criticizing and defending, ask yourself, does this really matter? If it doesn’t, and you choose to let something slip by, you have a new wave collapse, and this can be an energy shifter. You know, from the mechanistic view of separation, the expression you can’t change the other person appears sensible. But from the quantum view of inseparability, if you change some aspect of yourself, that must affect your partner because you are as connected as quantum photons. My clients, Judy and Howard, were both demanding change from each other, a strategy that almost never succeeds. I explained the concepts of self-change and inseparability to them, both in couple sessions and individual meetings. And after some time, Howard was able to share with Judy that he appreciated her dilemma and he was happy to support her in her attempts to break through her old behavior. By making this change in himself, Howard was able to turn the tide of their entangled relationship. Dissonance, struggle is always an opportunity for growth.

I’m going to close with these thoughts today. Relationship provides golden opportunity to grow. It doesn’t mean you may be happy or should spend your lives with each other. But it’s an opportunity for growth. Each person’s challenges evoke and invite growth in the other person. The question is what that growth will look like. Going back to the theme of shifting from a stuck inner state of being into the process of becoming, a participatory evolving process. Think of your relationships as catalysts for your process of becoming as you try to move past your challenges. If two individuals see themselves through this filter, this prism of becoming, they have to see their relationships as such. That’s the heart of a participatory relationship. This is why relationships struggle and suffer and don’t succeed because we drop out of a cooperative participatory relationship. I think the fundamental purpose of close relationships is to open our awareness to aspects of our own selves that we need to tend to. If we existed in isolation, we’d never come to see aspects of ourselves through the eyes of the other. Our close connections with others catalyze our entry into this increasing consciousness, this awareness, this flow of becoming as we move past our stuck state of being.

Ask yourself, what do I need to see in myself that’s being provoked by the other person? And conversely, what am I precipitating in them? By opening to this dissonance that arises and you’ll look at yourself differently. If the other person sees you differently from how you see yourself, does that make the other person wrong? You see that conclusion doesn’t allow dissonance. This opening to dissonance, this inviting of dissonance as a positive value opens the door to new possibilities. So our own personal evolution vaults into this process of becoming. And it also facilitates the greatest potential for thriving in a relationship. Participatory relationships allow us to see our role in the whole of the relationship rather than separate from each other. As though we’re part of an equation and we’re on different sides of the equal sign. That’s a transactional relationship and they don’t work except with rare exceptions. Participatory relationships are opportunities for enormous learning individually on the relationship level as well. This shift of paradigm into participatory evolving relationships coming away from the illusion of separation, you versus me, back into oneness, that’s the path toward harmony.

I know I’ve said a lot in this episode. It’s a lot to digest. If you need more clarification about this, please, I would advise you to read or reread my book, The Possibility Principle, particularly the section on relationships. It is a deep dive, but it’s the most valuable dives that you can ever take. It’s well worth it. So jump on in. Until next time, be well, be healthy. I look forward to speaking with you again soon. Bye for now.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel at melschwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show, and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts, and that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again, and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #125 A Quantum Perspective on Romantic Relationships first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode number 124, I take a look at why arguments trap us in the need to be right, how that drive to be right hamstrings communication and intimacy, and most importantly, how to move past the argument and re-establish truly empathic communication in the relationships you care about.

Listen to learn about…

The five percent rule
Shared inquiry
Coherent communication
How to mitigate anger

In the episode, I provide a few examples from my therapy practice, and have a brief interview with my guest, Claire, who brings her own struggles with conflict to the table.

Be sure to leave a comment with your own thoughts and questions!

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #124MEL: Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.MEL: Today we’re going to look at why we’re so driven to be right, what inclines us toward arguments in our relationship, and how that leads to the death knell of vitality of relating. We’re also going to look at a couple of techniques that I’ve developed, which I’ll be sharing with you as to how we can break through that impasse.MEL: In marital counseling or couples counseling, when I see couples engaged in argument, I sometimes find myself stopping and asking them, would you rather be happy or would you rather be right? Although everyone says I’d rather be happy, not a moment passes until we default into the right versus wrong battle.MEL: We’re kind of hardwired in a way, although I hate that expression wired because we are not machinery, but our nature, our acculturation is to try to win. After all, if I’m right, that means you have to be wrong. How do you think that’s going to work out in a relationship? It’s an insane way of operating.MEL: This need to be right is rooted in either or thinking. The need to win an argument assures that no one’s actively listening. We’re not learning anything. We’re not validating, having compassion or empathy, and it’s destructive, of course, to romantic relationships. This compulsion to be right sidetracks our lives and then impedes our happiness. The need to be right is antithetical to enjoying empathic and compassionate relationship.MEL: I’m going to share a number of stories with you in my work as a therapist. Long time ago, when I first began practicing, I was working with an older couple and every session would kind of look the same. She would come in and start to complain about her husband, indicting him and throwing the book at him about everything. I would intervene and say, listen, I’m not the judge and this is not about right or wrong. We need to turn towards your perceptions and feelings. And no sooner did I intervene, she would go right back into her assault.MEL: I think it was about the third session that we had when I realized I needed to do something different. I was not all that experienced yet in this practice of therapy. So I paused and I said to her, Emily, you’re a hundred percent correct. I agree with you completely. You win. John, you’re absolutely wrong. Emily is right. You wanted me to render a verdict. There you have it.MEL: She paused. He looked unfounded. A moment or two went by and she started to go right back into the assault. I stopped. I put my hand up gently and said, you won. The debate is over. Now what are we going to do?MEL: I’m not proposing that we made great progress then, but it was a detour from the right versus wrong battle. As I began to notice my frustration in my attempts to assist couples with whom I was working, I needed to develop a new approach. I was watching as couples were tirelessly mired in their argument and listening to them was like watching a ping pong ball being knocked back and forth. Only nobody was scoring any points because no one was listening. I was searching for a way to help people slow down and listen to each other and to get past their gridlock.MEL: Some years later, after that first anecdote that I shared with you, I was in the middle of a session reflecting again on how I could help people approach this impasse differently. I began by asking the husband, let’s call him Joseph, Joe, can you try to find a just a small percentage of what Helena is saying to you that you might agree with? Let’s just look for arguably 5% that you can acknowledge and try to temporarily suspend the 95% that you’re sure she’s wrong about. I was asking Joe to act counterintuitively by neither defending himself nor trying to score a point. I explained to him that he wasn’t pleading guilty or surrendering his point. The goal was to simply establish a rapport so that they can begin to truly hear each other.MEL: Their energy started to coalesce as they moved away from the competition of being right into a collaborative effort to empathize and connect. It began to shift back toward connection moving away from the separation that was driving the argument. I found that I had started a new technique for me. I now call that technique the 5% rule.MEL: If you can affirm that there’s 5% and of course I’m just making up the number five, but if you can find some small part of the other person’s argument that you can agree with, in no way have you abandoned your position regarding the 95% you disagree with. You’ve simply laid the groundwork for them to take in what you have to say. You’ve disengaged from trying to win an argument and the energy can shift. The 5% rule permits us to halt our addiction to being reactive, which we’ll be talking about in just a bit. And it moves us toward being responsive, present, listening. The next time you’re engaged in a disagreement or a confrontation, challenge yourself to resist the argument and search for a small piece of what the other person’s saying that you can affirm. Once the other person feels heard and validated, he or she will be in a better position to take in what you have to say.MEL: Timing is essential here. If you rush to reframe or assert your position, then your affirmation will appear disingenuous. You can’t just say, yes, but, going right back into the argument. That is actually the process of invalidating. Be cautious about yes, but. Instead, validate something, pause, and let the conciliatory spirit fill the space that would have otherwise been occupied by this noisy, mindless back and forth argument. That shift of energy now becomes fertile ground for a meaningful transition and a constructive exchange.MEL: Remember, even if you disagree with the vast majority of what you’re hearing, you can usually find some small content to acknowledge. Ordinarily, we marginalize or ignore the small part because our default position is grounded in winning the argument. We have a cultural mandate to be right, regrettably, and so our thoughts automatically seek to refute the other rather than confirm. Even though we say we care about each other, we don’t act careingly. If you need to win, the other person has to lose. How does that work out?MEL: You know, we may say to each other, I love you, but it’s challenging to act lovingly. To act lovingly requires that even if we hear something that we feel defensive about or we think is wrong, that we temporarily put that aside to care for the other. The success of this 5% rule allows both people to behave with compassion and empathy, to cooperate rather than compete. Remember, the goal is not to win, but to care. You can immediately apply the 5% rule in your communications, romantic, close, intimate relationships, a friend, a relative, or in your business dealings. What you want the other person to hear is vitally important, but you need to set the stage they can take it in.MEL: Let’s talk a little bit about how we can set that stage. When I need to express something that I think is going to be difficult or challenging for the other person to hear, if I anticipate they’ll be reactive or defended, I have found that devoting a few sentences as a preface can be very helpful. One of my clients once referred to this technique as foaming the runway. In other words, you can set up the discourse to better succeed by setting the stage. If you think about it, sometimes runners will stretch before they run in a baseball game, pitchers warm up before actually getting into the game, we study before taking a test. Well, just as importantly, we need to ease into a challenging exchange rather than simply dive in.MEL: It may sound as simple as this, I’m having a problem and I’m wondering if you can help me. Or, I’m confused about something. Can you try to help me understand? Another approach that’s successful is I have something on my mind that I really want to talk to you about, but I’m anticipating that you’re going to be upset and angry, so I don’t know what to do. You see, you’re inviting the other person in, and that will tend to mitigate or lessen their tendency to be reactive. When we do this, you’re enrolling the other person and you’ve invited them into a provocative topic, lessening the chance of them being reactive.MEL: This technique moves both people into the field of what I call a shared inquiry, very much the opposite of the debate and the argument. To experience really effective interaction and communication, which regrettably is an exception, we need to establish something called shared meaning about the words and ideas we convey. I call this coherent communication, which doesn’t require agreement, but simply shared meaning. I’ll give you some examples.MEL: One day, some years ago, I was walking by a restaurant near my home and I saw the parking attendant, Jacques. I was kind of friendly with Jacques and we used to shoot the breeze now and then. I asked him, how are you? He smiled and said, I can’t complain. I continued walking. And as I did, a thought occurred to me, Jacques could have meant either he had nothing to complain about or he wouldn’t give himself permission to complain. On my return home, I ran into him again and I asked him which meaning he intended. It took a long time for him to be able to share with me that what he meant is that he couldn’t complain, was because nobody would be interested. That’s what his belief was. I explained to him that when I asked him that question, I truly did care and he might make an exception to his rule. If I hadn’t bothered to confirm what I can’t complain meant, I would have assumed all was good in his life and we wouldn’t have connected.MEL: Sharing our meaning is an integral part of emotional and verbal intimacy. To pause and ask someone what they meant by the words they’ve just spoken is also deeply respectful. Respect comes from a Latin word, I think it’s something like resposir, which means to look again. That’s what shared meaning is. It’s not dashing past each other, but taking time to go slowly. You see, what someone thinks I’ve said is actually more important than what I was intending. The disconnection between my meaning and what I intend and someone else’s interpretation can disrupt the entire exchange.MEL: There’s a quote from Abraham Lincoln that I’m fond of. We all declare for liberty, but in using this word liberty, we do not all mean the same thing. How true. We take for granted that our words convey what we’re intending. In my experience as a therapist, I’ve come to see that this assumption is wrong. I’m still stunned by the impact of miscommunication.MEL: Dave and Karen were in a relatively new relationship, but finding themselves mired in disagreement. In the middle of an argument, in a session, Dave proclaimed to Karen, I can’t do this anymore. Karen became noticeably agitated and I asked her what she was feeling. She actually began to cry and said, I can’t believe he’s breaking up with me. I turned and asked Dave, is that what you were saying? Dave looked unfounded and said, not at all. I meant I can’t do this arguing anymore. His expression, I can’t do this anymore, was open to interpretation. By the time we exchanged a few sentences with each other, there’s often a misinformed understanding of what’s happening. Neither person is sharing the same conversation. Our own internal monologues have branched off as we react to a word or a phrase, which is not necessarily what the other person was intending.MEL: I’ll give you an example. Another one. It was my first session with Jerry and Diane, a long time married couple. I asked them how I could help them, what brought them into therapy. Not much pause, Diane said, he has no idea how to be intimate. Jerry immediately tightened and shot back. I have no idea how to be intimate. I have no problem at all with intimacy. It’s you that does. If I hadn’t intervened, it would have reprised a familiar battle and they would have paid little attention to my presence. They were so deeply entrenched in their right versus wrong argument, but they hadn’t identified what they were truly talking about.MEL: After a pause, I broke in. I said to them, I’m not at all sure what you each mean by this word intimacy. Can you take a moment and tell each other what this word means for you? After some reflection, Jerry explained that intimacy for him ranged from physical affection all the way to sexual intercourse. As he was speaking, Diane looked incredulous. She said, you must be kidding me. That’s not at all what I mean. I encouraged her to go further.MEL: Not surprisingly to me, she spoke of intimacy as sharing deep feelings and thoughts with each other. Once we exposed this essential misunderstanding, they were able to engage each other in a meaningful exchange about their needs and preferences.MEL: Let’s turn to how we can lessen and mitigate our tendency to be reactive, which is so disruptive. If our goal is to understand and connect rather than to win, we have to witness and suspend what our thoughts are telling us, at least temporarily. When we react to someone’s words without pausing to reflect, to inquire, to see shared meaning, we’re stuck in an old groove of reactivity. As a result, we’re not only reacting to each other in the moment, but to a whole history of our lifetime of experiences and interactions with each other. Reacting is spontaneous. It’s instantaneous. We can learn to see our reaction, and that’s what I call being responsive. The distance between the reaction of a millisecond and a thoughtful response of a moment or two can be monumental. It’s like the difference between blasting your horn or tailgating someone who cuts you off or learning to keep your hands on the wheel. The fraction of a moment in which you suspend your reaction provides a state of potential, of possibility to facilitate a meaningful discussion. Reacting to observe your reaction helps you not become the reaction.MEL: Take anger, for example. If I notice that I’m feeling angry, but stop myself from acting angrily, I can communicate how I feel in an appropriate way. But if I react and become angry, my angry words and actions are going to make the situation worse and create worsening results. That spirals us down in which our ensuing actions then shine a spotlight on my behavior. If I’m acting angrily, then the spotlight’s on me. But if I said, I’m feeling angry and I want to explain to you why I’m feeling angry, that is an altogether appropriate communication. It’s an opportunity for discourse. The next time you feel the urge to defend yourself or your position, here are some questions to ask yourself.MEL: What is the other person trying to convey? Let’s not take their words literally. What’s their intention? You should also ask yourself, is it more important for me to correct the other person or to stay present? In couple sessions, almost without exception, the need to correct small, irrelevant points of information is mind boggling. He may say, you know, I called you two times yesterday, and she will interrupt and say, no, it was three times. Is that correction necessary?MEL: Think about what you’re hearing that you think is a misstatement or inaccurate and choose to stay present and ask yourself, is this correction necessary? Then ask yourself, would I rather be right or do I want to learn and understand and be compassionate and care? Am I judging or am I truly listening? Watch your thoughts. Are they acting a literal way where they’re telling you the truth? Objective truths mislead us. What we want to do is to seek a subjective experience of how we’re each feeling. To not become reactive, train yourself and ask yourself, what am I feeling? Then you can communicate the feeling. You don’t have to be the feeling.MEL: Hi there. Welcome to the show. What’s your name?CLAIRE: Hi, I’m Claire.MEL: Claire, where do you live?CLAIRE: In Southington, Connecticut.MEL: Not too far from me. You have a question or two that you’d like to ask in regard to communication?CLAIRE: Actually I was reading your literature about getting into arguments and I have had some difficulty with communicating. When someone says something that automatically really puts me in a situation where I feel like I’m being attacked or it bothers me, I automatically go on the offense and I’m finding that that type of communication is not working that well for me.MEL: Not surprisingly. If you go on the offense, we know the other person won’t be listening. So the moment that you feel yourself becoming reactive, pause, just give yourself a moment to notice what you’re feeling and try to communicate the feeling rather than the fact. Can you give us an example of what might happen in exchange to make you feel reactive?CLAIRE: I was in a relationship and in the relationship, it was the holidays coming up and my ex-boyfriend was invited to a dinner and he said, well, you’re invited to the dinner, but your kids can’t come. And basically he said it like that. And as soon as he said that, my pine needles went up and I reacted to what he said. And what I said was, what do you mean? And I already had a tone in my voice when I was addressing that.MEL: So what got in the way of your being able to be curious about why instead of being aggressive?CLAIRE: A lot of times the way I would handle a situation would be very different. And if I was invited to a dinner and I knew that the person that I was going to invite, like their family or their kids were not invited, I would automatically address it. And I felt that by him not saying anything, that it was just insensitive of him to not bring it up right away. So I took it offensively.MEL: That’s understandable. I’m sure we could all relate to that. So in that exchange, when you were feeling triggered, when you’re feeling your button being pushed, take a moment, pause and share what you were feeling with him. So that might sound like, boy, when you put it that way, I felt myself feeling defensive. I felt myself getting upset. So let me ask you, why did you put it that way and why is it that my kids wouldn’t be invited? See, that way you’re detaching from your thought and feeling. You’re seeing it and you’re communicating it effectively. Instead of becoming angry or upset, you’re sharing, that made me feel upset when you said it that way. Can you tell me why? That’s a healthy, effective communication. Because then it will be up to him for him not to be reactive. But you’re not part of the problem then.CLAIRE: What do you do in a situation where I am able to detach from my feelings and I am able to address it without reacting and still the results are the same? What do you do in that situation? So he just says, well, they’re not invited and this person didn’t invite them. And that’s basically it.MEL: Well, then you want to be authentic, which is, well, I feel badly about that. I’m not sure if I feel okay with that. Did you ask if my children could join us? You ask questions. You don’t make accusations, but you’re seeking information. When two people can inquire together, that’s healthy and informative. If we operate from assumptions and anger and criticism, we’re going nowhere. So I would ask him some questions.CLAIRE: I guess it is hard even like as I’m listening to you and you’re saying, ask some questions, like I can already feel the tone in my voice as I’m asking those questions. So that is a really challenging concept to me because even if I say, did you ask if my children were invited, I need some strategies on how to actually change the tone of my voice with that.MEL: Okay. So I could make up a lot of different stories. Like he was too shy to ask. He has a problem asking people for things. So the key is not to personalize something that maybe shouldn’t be intended as personal. I would only know if I should personalize it by asking questions like, how come you didn’t ask? Or were you uncomfortable asking? Did you feel like that was imposing on them? That might be the answer. And if that was the answer, then that might enable you to look at that exchange differently.CLAIRE: Okay. Thank you for helping with that. I think kind of separating from my feeling and really taking a minute to think about how it’s making me feel and then asking questions is going to be helpful.MEL: Excellent. So pause, notice what you’re feeling, and then in an appropriate way, communicate the feeling not in an aggressive or accusatory way, but the way where you’re really inquiring, you want to know.CLAIRE: Okay. And also back to that same situation, if he is feeling that’s an imposition, then from there, my theory is when you’re in a relationship that the person’s feelings that you’re with are more important than imposing on somebody else. So I would want my partner to make a different decision in terms of what he’s going to do with that dinner. So that’s where the whole thing turns differently.MEL: Well, of course, that’s a fine balance because there may be times when what you’re looking for and what you want treads on their own integrity and what feels okay with them. And that’s the place where we want to have nonjudgmental dialogue with each other. So we can truly understand what’s happening. We don’t want to turn it into a debate, a right or wrong argument, because then you both lose.CLAIRE: Got it. And it oftentimes would become like a character attack. And I think both of us got into that same situation because we would start to say, well, I wouldn’t do it that way. So that must be wrong that you’re doing it that way. And I wouldn’t do it that way.MEL: Exactly, Claire. My truth is not the universal truth. We need to leave room for my truth and your truth and try to sort it out. So I hope that helps.CLAIRE: I think it does. I mean, I have another situation that just happened recently with a friend that I wanted to show.MEL: Sure, go right ahead.CLAIRE: And this is a lifelong friend and she has a habit of not answering texts, even when I’m asking questions or inviting her to do things or not getting back to me with phone calls. And over the years, I’ve become accustomed to it, although it has really hurt my feelings. And I’ve tried different ways to address it. But I’m trying to now use some of the strategies that I’m learning from you to address the situation. So recently, I texted her maybe 10 days ago, didn’t hear from her. And then I called and I made sure nothing was wrong. Nothing was an emergency. And she said, oh, no, I was just busy. I didn’t get back to you. And I said, well, you not getting back to me made me feel like you don’t care. It made me feel really insignificant that you didn’t get back to me. And she profusely apologized and then went into all the series of reasons why she didn’t get back to me. And I ended up getting into an argument with her about why those reasons were not realistic.MEL: At that juncture, you both went too far.CLAIRE: Right.MEL: When she started to go into all the reasons, you might want to stop her and say, look, I just wanted to let you know how I feel. Historically, when you don’t get back to me and it takes a long time. I’m sure you have your reasons why. I just wanted to share how I feel. And I hope you care how I feel. And just leave it there.CLAIRE: Yeah, I think I have to stop the conversation earlier. But I did take the step to to let her know how her actions were making me. Thank you.MEL: We’ve covered a lot of territory today in a brief amount of time. So I’d like you to take an opportunity to let the sink in. You can find in far greater detail many of these messages in my new book, The Possibility Principle. And if you have further questions about this, feel free to send me an email at mel at mel Schwartz dot com. We can discuss this further. Remember, communication is the heartbeat of relationship. It’s also the heartbeat to self-esteem and authenticity. Have a great day.I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel at melschwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts and that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again. And please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #124 The Five Percent Rule and Other Ways to Get Past the Argument first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In episode 123 of the The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, rather than talk principles and philosophies of approach, the focus is on therapy itself.

Why go to therapy?
How does one select a therapist?
What can you expect in therapy?
What are the differences in approach, and what’s my approach with clients?

I’ll explain it all. Let me know what you think! Be sure to leave a comment with your own thoughts and questions.

More About this EpisodeI’ve written a companion article to go along with this episode. Check out “Getting Beyond ‘How Does That Make You Feel?'”

Thank you!

Talk With Mel!Help others when Mel helps you: Contact Mel and find out how you can be a caller on the show and ask Mel a question. He’ll put the Possibility Principle to work for you, and your conversation will be recorded for use in a future episode of the podcast so other listeners can benefit.

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #123Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Hello everyone. I’d like to do something different in this episode. I do deep dives into so many different aspects of my work, helping people illuminate their problems, seeing how to get past them. I jump right into the therapy, but I have never really talked with you about the process of therapy. So I thought that for today’s show, let’s talk about therapy.

Very often people will ask myself or others, do I need therapy? I think that that is a misplaced and culturally derived value, which sees therapy as there’s something wrong with me. So I turn that question into, could I benefit from therapy?

Now that is a question that doesn’t have a pejorative implication to it.

Could I benefit from therapy? Could I benefit from working out more? Could I benefit from eating healthier? Could I benefit from getting a better night’s sleep? Yeah. Could I benefit from therapy? Well, if I have a good fit with the right therapist, the therapist is a good fit for me and I am for them, no doubt.

It’s essential we move past this pejorative of therapy. If you look up therapy in the dictionary, it talks about a treatment for overcoming a disease or an illness. Well, psychotherapy is kind of leaked into that same place. Although in recent years or recent decades, that is beginning to shift.

Can you benefit from therapy? Your answer may be, I have no idea. I’ve never tried it. Or I have tried therapy and it didn’t help. Well, one size doesn’t fit all. It may be that you and your therapist were not the right fit for each other. It’s like saying, I went out on a date once and it didn’t work out. So I’ve spent the rest of my life alone. I never dated again. Or I tried a friendship once and it didn’t work. So it’s not for me.

Every close friend of mine has been in therapy or is in therapy. When I was single and dating, if I learned that a woman I was interested in had never been in therapy and wasn’t open to therapy, I would head in a different direction. To me, people who engage therapy are thoughtful, reflective, seeking to live a better and more authentic life with less fear. I think therapy is something to be proud of, not embarrassed by.

So let’s talk about the therapeutic experience.

First of all, people who are open to therapy experience life differently. I have been in therapy with different therapists at different times in my life, beginning at the age of 25. To me, working with the therapist when there’s something I want to work through, when there’s something that doesn’t feel clear to me, or just when I have an itch that I can’t quite scratch, that’s a luxury that I can afford and I make use of it. People will ask, does it work? Doesn’t it work?

It’s much more subtle than that. Therapy may not necessarily be measurable and you may do some therapy this month or this year and think it had no impact on you, but many years from now, it’s leaked through. The unconscious is always at play and things are beneath the radar.So it’s not an objective question.

Now, how do you know the therapist is the right therapist for you? That’s a good question. I have an approach or belief, actually more a method, which is I think there’s three things you want to look at with the therapist and you should know by your first meeting, at the latest by your second session, which is number one, does the therapist seem to get me and that’s almost an intuitive reflection. Do they get me? Do they have a sense of my experience? Who I am? What I’m struggling with?

Number two question, do I think the therapist has the ability and the skills and the experience to help me? Now it’s important in the second question that you interview that therapist in your first meeting, which is have you ever worked with this kind of issue before? What are the challenges I have with what I’m facing? And if you have, what are your approaches? How often are you successful? This is a question that I often encourage parents to ask when they’re putting children or adolescents into therapy, interview that therapist. My daughter has a self-esteem issue. Tell me about your experience with self-esteem problems. What’s your approach? How do you help? Interview the therapist.

The third point in evaluating your therapist is I don’t think that you have to actually like your therapist, but listen, you can’t dislike your therapist. If you dislike the therapist, that therapy is not going to be effective. So those are my three criteria for is this the right therapist for me? Now therapy is about an engagement and sharing your vulnerable self. Open up, having no fears or issues around what you think they will think of you. Most people go through life not fully being transparent, being selective about what they will share or reveal about themselves because of a fear of judgment.

You know, I’ve spoken with you many times before about the fact that no one can judge you unless you confer upon them the role of being judged. They’re just people with opinions. But a therapist has a more lofty opinion and ought to share that opinion with you. But that opinion is a moving vehicle. It’s not stuck. It’s not static.

There are so many different approaches to therapy. Let’s talk about the standard model, which is, you know that question, how does that make you feel? That’s the typical throwaway in therapy. We see that in so many movies. Now a therapist should care how you feel, but that should not be the default question. If that’s the default question in the middle or the end of every session, I say time to look for a new therapist. You want the therapist to care how you feel. When I ask the question of a client, how does that make you feel? It’s out of curiosity. It’s not a way of ending a session or completing a sentence. I really want to know in that moment. We all want to feel validated in our feelings and our experiences, but we need more than just validation in therapy. We need to be challenged.

I’ve worked with people who’ve come to me from another therapist and spent years in therapy and I’ve asked them, what did you learn? What were your breakthroughs? And they shrugged their shoulders and they said they didn’t have any. And I then asked, well, why did you stay in therapy for so long? Well, it felt good to be understood and validated. Of course it does, but you need more. You deserve more. I challenge, I validate, I nurture, but I challenge. And when I say challenge, I don’t mean it’s critical opposition, but I’m challenging how did you come to that belief about yourself? How did you come to that belief about other people? Or perhaps I’ll hear, I can’t change. You know, people don’t change. Well then I will share my thoughts, my work about the change process. How did you come to the belief people don’t change? Beliefs of self-fulfilling prophecies. So I roll up my sleeves. I’m very proactive. I share a lot.

I will share with my clients anything about my personal life experience that I think would be helpful for them to know. I’m not sharing that information to be buddies, but I want to help people in their own critical thinking. By critical thinking, I don’t mean being critical about yourself. God knows we have too much of that. When I use the term critical thinking, I am saying, are you looking at your operating beliefs and asking yourself, do you have reason to think they’re valid? Are you looking at your game plan for life? You say you want to be happy. All right, let’s look at what you think will bring you happiness. Has that worked out so far? Why do you think that will bring you happiness? Whatever your dominant beliefs are, people are always taking advantage of me. I’m not lovable. I will help my clients break down the critical thinking and see how they came to that belief so we can ultimately release that self-limiting belief.

Ask yourself, are there people in your life that you open up to without reservation? Probably not. If we include that without reservation piece, we hide parts of ourselves. So it’s time to depathologize this notion of therapy. If you can afford it, you may work out with a trainer or hire a tennis coach. Isn’t it more valuable ultimately to have people at different points in your life who can assist you in guiding you and perhaps even mentoring you through life so you can navigate it well, joyfully, harmoniously? Now finding that therapist who’s going to be able to assist you in navigating that, that may be challenging. You may want to meet with and have any number of initial sessions so that you can evaluate the therapist. Very, very few people do that. This is an absolutely essential and important relationship, a critically important relationship. Don’t just dive in unless you truly connect and end that first session thinking, wow, I already learned some things about myself. I have some new curiosities and new inquiries in my life, new way of looking at things, my relationships, myself. Choosing a therapist is a very, very important thing. Value yourself and choose carefully.

I think I’ll probably go forward with a few more episodes about the therapeutic experience. And if you have questions, please send them to me, mel at melschwartz.com. Any therapeutic questions you would like addressed or if you’d like to be a guest on my show and have me assist you through certain different challenges in your life, I’m happy to do that.

So until next time, be reflective, embrace possibilities and ask yourself, am I getting the guidance and the assistance in life that I deserve? And if not, shouldn’t now be the time. Be well, be safe, and I’ll see you next week. Bye for now.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel at melschwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts and that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again. And please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #123 Let’s Talk About Therapy first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

(This special episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz is also cross-posted as an article on my blog! You can listen to the companion podcast episode through the player above.)

Image credit: Ivelin RadkovAuthentic leaders are, by definition, singular individuals. They possess an array of qualities and skills that enable them to lead. Yet, we shouldn’t assume these attributes are unattainable or too challenging to learn.

Leadership skills are exceptional simply because most of us likely didn’t receive either the education or the upbringing to develop the inner path toward leadership. If mathematics wasn’t routinely taught in school, mastering math would also be a rare achievement. The same is true of leadership.

Culturally, we tend to focus on the external characteristics of leaders: how they present themselves, their intelligence, their style, and their affect. The path to sustainable and genuine leadership, however, is an inner path that can be learned and cultivated.

There are three pillars of authentic leadership. Learning these skills develops genuine leadership ability for corporations, organizations, associations, and families.

Emotional IntelligenceGreat leaders communicate with consummate effectiveness. This first pillar of leadership is sourced through emotional intelligence, which is the ability to deeply connect with others through feelings, not simply facts.

Our focus on cognitive intelligence, which devalues emotional intelligence, is stunningly incomplete. The thoughts, ideas, and information we need to share with one another are typically pursued transactionally. We exchange instructions, strategies, and concepts and believe they’ve been received and understood as we intended.

This belief is grossly misinformed. We aren’t robots transacting with one another, but complex humans with unique personal narratives, feelings, and beliefs. The same words or phrases may mean different things to different people. They might inspire some and leave others feeling ambivalent or worse. This this leads to failed, ineffective communication.

Emotional intelligence requires both an awareness of the other’s feelings and beliefs and cognizance of your own stirrings. The subterranean realm of our private, personal existence has a profound sway over the business of business.

From my professional experience, clients don’t typically speak to me about factual or substantive issues they’re having with their bosses or colleagues. Instead, they present their troubled feelings, challenges, frustrations, and miscommunications.

Authentic leaders connect on emotional levels with those around them. They tune in to their people in order to appreciate how the other person perceives matters, addressing issues that typically go unspoken.

Leaders seek correspondence with those around them. Emotional connectivity facilitates coherent communication. This relatedness prospers when empathy is valued. Empathy, the ability to best appreciate what the other person is feeling and experiencing, allows truly informed communication to prevail.

Radical Emotional TransparencyThe concept of radical transparency, a fundamental motif of Bridgewater’s Ray Dalio, proposes that all individuals should openly challenge one other’s positions for the goal of reaching the most credible truth.

Although this endeavor has obvious merits, it doesn’t also consider that we are not only thinking but feeling people. If we pretend that our values, personal history, emotions, relationships, and beliefs don’t spill over into the reasoned and rational discourse, we are sorely misinformed.

Radical transparency must incorporate how our subjective beliefs and feelings filter and inform what we ultimately hear and how we respond. I refer to this as radical emotional transparency.

Leaders engage in deeply effective communication which seeks shared meaning. This collaborative dialogue checks in to assure what we share is received as intended.

This checking-in process is also respectful and sincere, as it enables leaders to get closer to their team. For the musicians in an orchestra to be “in concert” with one another, the conductor must make certain they are all playing from the same score. The same holds true for consummate leaders.

AuthenticityThe next pillar of leadership is authenticity. I use the term authentic leadership to evoke the qualities of truly special leaders. Meeting or witnessing such individuals, one notices they are extraordinary. They shine by virtue of their authenticity, which is a very rare quality.

For example, the Dalai Lama exudes authenticity. You simply know you’re in the company of an extraordinary person.

An authentic individual evokes an image of someone who has not been adulterated by fear, concerns with self-worth, or worries about what others may think of them.

Most people are concerned with what others think of them, or more to the point, what they think others think of them. These individuals may disguise, manipulate, or hide their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs due to their insecurity. This is what I call other esteem, which is sadly common, and absent the authentic self-esteem unique leaders possess.

Most people deflect or mitigate their communications and actions because they worry about how they will be seen. From the authentic self, we invest in and articulate our thoughts and beliefs free from the constraint of worries.

Being authentic allows you to be receptive to the feedback and opinions of others; you simply don’t betray your genuine self out of fear. When our thoughts conspire to weave a narrative about why we shouldn’t say or do something, we lose our authenticity.

Authenticity requires a genuine sharing of our inner self. Very often, our actions reflect an intention to avoid certain consequences. And so, we alter or suppress our communications and play it safe. These tendencies diminish our authenticity as they constrain our growth and self-esteem.

Great leaders don’t fall prey to these concerns.

Authentic leaders learn from those around them as the separation between self and others falls away. The core sense of authentic self is always an emergent process, never static. Unfettered by the constraint of worry over how you’re perceived, you’re free to tune into yourself, those around you, and your ever-changing environment.

Embracing UncertaintyThe third pillar of authentic leadership requires a counterintuitive embrace of uncertainty.

Our orientation toward predicting future events—a remnant of Newtonian determinism—has addicted us to seek certainty and predictability and therefore avoid uncertainty. From this paradigm, we see ourselves as separate and detached from future events, which nullifies genuine leadership, as we become spectators rather than leaders.

This state of analytical bondage is contrary to leading. We can’t lead others by sitting back and calculating as if we were playing a chess match.

Leaders must be informed by pertinent information, but not suffocated by an avalanche of data.

When an authentic leader embraces uncertainty to actualize new possibilities, the fear of making mistakes retreats.

What we call a mistake is but a snapshot frozen in time. But time doesn’t stand still. Authentic leaders don’t fret the consequences of their actions as much as they consider the consequences of their inactions.

Participatory LeadershipWe need to take a deeper look at the concept of change and the change process. The word change suggests that there are times when things are static and inert, and times when they are not, hence, the concept of change. Quantum physics suggests otherwise. It appears that reality is never static or unchanging. This is why I refer to it as the reality-making process.

The adage, “The only constant is change,” needs to be revised as “Everything perpetually flows.” Great leaders must relish the flow, dive in, and truly lead. This requires seeing uncertainty as your ally, the realm from which new possibilities are created.

This is participatory leadership, as we participate in the unfolding of what we call the future.

These three pillars of leadership create a formidable platform from which to lead others.

Let me know what you think! Be sure to leave a comment

More About this EpisodeIn addition to an expanded version of the article above, this episode includes a brief conversation with marriage and family therapist Cathryn Leff, PhD, LMFT of Soaring High Counseling, in which Cathryn shares her insights on leadership and the origins of her own leadership style.

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #122MEL: Hello everybody and welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

MEL: Today we’re going to be exploring the concept, the notion, the phenomenon of leadership. What this word really means, what signifies leaders, and how you can learn to develop the attributes for leadership in whichever way it suits you in your life.

MEL: Now, of course, authentic leaders, genuine or exceptional leaders are by definition very singular people. They stand out. They possess a very unique array of qualities and skills that differentiate them and allow them to successfully lead other people.

MEL: I’m talking about leadership in many capacities, corporations, organizations, associations, leaders of teams. Families require leadership, arguably from both parents if it’s a two-parent family or from the one parent.

MEL: It’s an error to assume that the skills and attributes that come with leadership, that we’re born with them or that they’re too unattainable for us to achieve them. These skills are uncommon for one reason. Leadership is not taught to us in school.

MEL: Think of it this way. If mathematics wasn’t taught in school, then learning to master math at a certain point in life would be a rare and unique achievement. It would be hard. The same is true of leadership. It would have been very different if these skills of leadership were taught to us in school.

MEL: We’re going to be focusing today on what I call the inner path of leadership. You know, culturally, we tend to focus on the external characteristics of leaders, how they look and present themselves, their cognitive intelligence, their style, how they carry themselves and their effect. But the path to genuine, sustainable and authentic leadership is the inner path. This is a pathway that you can learn and I’ll be trying to teach this to you so you can cultivate it.

MEL: I envision three pillars that platform authentic leadership. Notice I said I envision. I’m always reluctant to say there are three pillars or there are seven chakras or five rules because we make this all up. There may come a time when I envision four pillars or two pillars. At this moment, I see three pillars that platform authentic leadership. And learning these skills enables genuine leadership in whatever capacity you choose to use it.

MEL: Let’s start off with emotional intelligence, the first pillar.

MEL: You know, great leaders have something in common. They tend to communicate with incredible clarity and with consummate effectiveness. This principle pillar of leadership is sourced through emotional intelligence, which is the ability to deeply connect with ourself and with others. In our society, our focus on cognitive intelligence tends to devalue emotional intelligence and our awareness of emotional intelligence is stunningly incomplete and harmful in so many ways. The thoughts and ideas and information that we need to share with one another in a leadership capacity are usually pursued in a very transactional manner. In other words, we exchange with one another instructions, strategies, and concepts. We believe they’ve been understood and received as we intended.

MEL: This, folks, this belief that what we say has been received just as we intended is grossly misinformed. I don’t care if we’re talking about a friendship, a marriage, or a business. You see, we aren’t robots just transacting with one another, trading information, but we are complex human beings with very unique personal narratives, feelings, and personal beliefs. The same words or phrase may mean different things to different people. You can use a phrase that might inspire some people and leave other people feeling ambivalent or worse because of their personal history around that phrase or that word or the way they recall it from childhood. Personal communication, communication where we leave it at the surface of the words, leads to failed, ineffective communication, and it completely impedes the ability to be an effective leader.

MEL: Emotional intelligence requires an awareness of the other’s feelings and beliefs, and as well a cognizance and awareness of your own stirrings, what’s coming up for you and getting in the way. This subterranean realm of our private personal existence has a profound sway over the business of business.

MEL: In my executive coaching practice, my clients don’t typically speak to me about factual or substantive issues that they’re having with their peers or their bosses. Instead, they present their troubled feelings and challenges and frustrations and miscommunications to me. But they’re not communicating those in the workplace because they’re not tended to. Leaders have to seek a correspondence with those around them. You see, emotional connectivity betters the opportunity for what I call coherent communication. This relatedness prospers when the quality of empathy is valued. Empathy, the ability to best appreciate what the other person is feeling, not on the basis of what I assume, but a checking in that allows truly informed communications to prevail.

MEL: The concept of radical transparency. This is a term, a fundamental theme created by the hedge fund Bridgewater’s founder, Ray Dalio. Ray proposes that all individuals in his corporation should openly, willingly challenge each other’s positions for the goal of ultimately reaching the most credible truth about any matter. This goal and this endeavor has obvious merits. It puts everything out in the open, but it’s failing. It’s lacking terribly in one way. It doesn’t take into account that we are not only thinking, but also feeling people.

MEL: If we pretended our values, our personal history, emotions, our relationships, and our beliefs don’t spill over into the reasoned, rational discourse, again, we are sorely misinformed. Radical transparency must take into account how our subjective beliefs and feelings filter and ultimately inform what we hear and how we respond. So I call this radical emotional transparency. I’ve added the word emotional. Deeply effective communication requires a shared meaning.

MEL: Shared meaning, again, is a collaboration. It’s a collaborative type dialogue which checks in with each other to assure that what we have just said, what we’ve shared, has been received in the way we intended. And furthermore, it checks in to see how the other thinks and feels about what we have just shared. Leaders realize that what they intend to communicate may not have been received as planned.

MEL: This is true in all relationships. If I intend to articulate A and you end up hearing B, that falls on me. It’s not the listener’s fault. The person sharing the information has to check in and confirm that you’re both on the same page. This checking in process is also respectful and sincere. It enables leaders to get closer to their team.

MEL: Think about an orchestra. For the musicians in an orchestra to be in concert with one another, play on words there, concert in harmony. For the musicians to be in concert with each other, the conductor must make certain they’re all playing from the same score. The same holds true for leaders in all fields.

MEL: The second pillar of leadership is what I call authenticity.

MEL: I use the term authentic leadership to evoke the qualities of truly exceptional leaders. Should you ever have occasion to meet or witness authentic people, you notice there’s an extraordinary quality to them. Let’s think of the word extraordinary as extraordinary. These people shine by virtue of their authenticity. It’s a very rare quality.

MEL: For example, the Dalai Lama comes to mind as exuding authenticity. You simply know that you’re in the company of an extraordinary person. An authentic individual evokes an image of someone who has not been adulterated or in fear because of their concerns around their self-worth or worries about what others may think of him or her. Most people, average people, people who aren’t leaders, are concerned with what others think of us or more to the point, we may be concerned with what we think other people think of us. We may disguise or manipulate or hide or conceal our thoughts or feelings and beliefs due to this insecurity.

MEL: This is the opposite of authentic self-esteem. This is what I call other esteem, which is sadly common and it’s missing, it’s absent authentic self-esteem that unique leaders possess. In the pursuit of learning to become an authentic leader, you must learn to pursue genuine authentic self-esteem. If you’re interested in this area, I’ve written many articles on this. I have other podcasts on authentic self-esteem and you can check out my book, The Possibility Principle, which speaks to this.

MEL: Now from the authentic self, we invest in and articulate that which we’re thinking and that which we believe free from the constraint of worries. You see the vast majority of people deflect or mitigate their communications and actions and decisions because they’re worried again about how they’ll be seen. Being authentic allows you to be receptive to the feedback and opinions of others, but you don’t simply betray your genuine self from fear of what they think. You take it in, you digest it.

MEL: When our thoughts conspire in a tangled web of why we shouldn’t say or do something, we lose our authenticity. Authenticity requires a genuine sharing of our inner self, the inner path to leadership. Very often, our actions in a given moment are intended to avoid certain consequences, and so we alter or suppress our communication and play it safe. These tendencies again diminish our genuine capacity and they limit our growth and genuine self-esteem.

MEL: Great leaders don’t fall prey to these fears. Authentic leaders learn from those around them. It’s the separation between yourself and others falls away. You see, when fear retreats, there’s no divide between yourself and other people, and that’s a powerful learning opportunity. The core sense of the authentic self is always in an emergent process, never static. Freed from the fears of worrying about how you’re being perceived, you’re now free to tune into yourself, those around you, and your ever-changing environment.

MEL: The third and last pillar of authentic leadership is the ability to embrace uncertainty.

MEL: This third pillar requires a counterintuitive notion. In our culture and in our world, we are taught to seek predictability and certainty. People at the heads of organizations often are working hard to predict future events. In my book, The Possibility Principle, I speak about our addiction to certainty and fear of uncertainty as being ruinous in all areas of our lives, including personal growth and relationships. This need for predictability is a remnant of Newtonian determinism, 17th century thinking, which taught us that if we had enough information and data, we could reasonably predict the future.

MEL: From this paradigm, we see ourselves as separate and detached from future events, which nullifies genuine leadership. We become the spectators, predicting the future rather than leaders. This is kind of like a state of analytical bondage, and it’s contrary to leading. We can’t lead others by sitting back and calculating as if we were playing a chess match. Leaders must be informed by pertinent information, but not suffocated by an avalanche of data. Leadership requires embracing uncertainty to actualize these new possibilities. The stewards of leadership participate in a reality-making process.

MEL: You see, that welcomes rather than resists uncertainty. And from this vantage, the fear of making mistakes retreats. After all, what we call a mistake is really just a snapshot frozen in time. But time doesn’t stand still. Authentic leaders don’t fret the consequences of their actions as much as they may consider the consequences of their inactions.

MEL: We need to take a deeper look at the concept of change and change process. The very word change suggests there are times when things aren’t changing, when they’re static or inert, but quantum physics has revealed otherwise. It appears that reality is never inert or static. And that’s why I refer to this as the reality-making process. The old adage, the only constant is change, needs to be reconsidered. Maybe we should say everything perpetually flows. Great leaders have to relish the flow, the perpetual movement. They have to dive in and lead and truly lead in a participatory way. And this requires seeing uncertainty as your friend, your ally, the realm from which new possibilities are created.

MEL: This is very participatory leadership as we are part and parcel of the unfolding of what we call the future. These three pillars of leadership create a formidable platform from which to lead others.

MEL: I’m delighted to introduce my next guest on this episode, Cathryn Leff. Cathryn is coming to us from California and Catherine is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the president-elect of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. Have I got that all right, Cathryn?

CATHRYN: Of marriage and family therapists.

MEL: Therapists. Okay. Thanks for the correction. So thanks for joining us in this episode, Cathryn, and I look forward to hearing your perspectives, questions, and insights. As you know, today’s episode is an exploration about leadership. People often wonder what do we mean by leadership? There’s leadership of leading others. There’s corporate and executive leadership. There’s more informal leadership. But for me in my work, I often find that some of the leadership is about developing an inner sense of leadership. When we develop that really calm, placid inner authority and inner leadership, it’s so much easier to guide and facilitate others in our lives. What are your experiences around this topic of leadership, Cathryn?

CATHRYN: Well, Mel, I’ve been mulling this over for a couple of days and I often wonder how I got into a leadership position because it was something I never planned on or even necessarily wanted to be. My earliest memories, I’ve always been, from being a little girl, I was always really shy, never wanted to speak in front of people. I used to have to be dragged up into the front of the class and have my teacher help me to give speeches. Those are my earliest memories. And then something happened in high school where we were doing a debate and the class was divided into, or there were two teams in the class. And one was arguing against the use of nuclear power and the other group was for nuclear power. And in the for nuclear power group was our school valedictorium. And I was in the other group and I remember we were having this discussion and I was pretty passionate and saying why I was against nuclear power. And as I’m expressing myself, my group, they all kind of got quiet and they looked at me and they said, you should take the lead on this. You should lead the debate. And I was like, oh no, no, I don’t want to do that. But they were insistent. And so I did it and I actually won the debate against the school valedictorian.

MEL: Wow.

CATHRYN: And I was so amazed that she left the class in tears. And I thought, what just happened? And that was kind of my first taste of that I have the ability to influence and to be a leader. But I think a lot of it comes from having an inner passion about something. Because if you have a passion about something and you can’t hold it in, then you have to speak about it. You have to speak about it. And that often puts you into then a leadership role, which is how I got on the California Association State Board for Marriage and Family Therapists. The same thing happened where, this is back in 2013, I was on social media and I was voicing my opinion on some things that were happening. And the next thing I know, or the next thing I knew was I got a phone call from someone on the board asking me to run for an open position. And so that has happened repeatedly in my life. It’s something that I just will start speaking about and people seem to notice it in me more than I think I do in myself. And so beginning to recognize that and trying to nurture that more is something that I’ve been working on.

MEL: So I’m sure some of the listeners may have questions about how you quiet any insecurity or self-doubt that you may have in regard to this, about how you have overcome self-doubt, insecurity, hesitation. Has there been a process for you to be able to allow yourself to embrace the uncertainty that’s necessary to become a leader?

CATHRYN: I think I just embrace uncertainty. I think that’s what all life is. I mean, we don’t have anything that’s guaranteed from moment to moment, really. And so I try to embrace that uncomfortableness and push myself to get out of my comfort zone. I just think it’s healthy and that’s where we grow. And so that’s just the way that I’ve approached it, even doing this podcast. I was like, do I really want to do this? This is something that I think I am interested in and would like to speak about. So I just tell myself, you should do this.

MEL: So therefore, I assume for you, I know it’s this way for me, there is no threat around the idea of making a mistake. The concept of mistakes kind of falls away in its importance if you’re going to embrace uncertainty and lead.

CATHRYN: Correct. I agree. And mistakes are okay. I do them all the time. And like you said, I embrace them. I think that’s how you learn and how you grow. If you didn’t make any mistakes, you wouldn’t grow or learn anything. So I think mistakes are positive and a lot of them you can correct. So I don’t really see mistakes as a negative. I see it as something that’s necessary that helps you grow and helps you develop into a leader, in fact.

MEL: So therefore, simply put, we choose not to honor the importance of mistakes. We view mistakes as absolutely vital and necessary life experiences.

CATHRYN: Yes.

MEL: Now, as you know, as a therapist, we often come across people who in the past have been embarrassed or traumatized by their mistakes. In my book, The Possibility Principle, I talk about how simple experiences, often early in life, create core beliefs about ourselves, like you raised your hand in third grade and you answered the question in such a silly way that everyone in class laughed at you and you decided, I’m never going to take that risk again. I’m never raising my hand or saying anything unless I’m completely certain, because there was an emotional trauma around the humiliation and the embarrassment. So certain people, regrettably, a lot of people have this fear and this apprehension of making a mistake. Do you have any advice for those people?

CATHRYN: Well, I look at it as if you’re in the third grade and something like that happens to you, of course it’s traumatic because you’re so young, you don’t have any real life experience, so it hits you so much harder. But I think as you age and get older and you have more and more experiences, I think those types of blows you can absorb so much easier. At least I know I can, and I’ve seen that in my clients as well. And so I think it’s important though, if you recognize that you’re still hesitant about things that happened when you were a child, that that is the time to seek therapy and to try and work through whatever trauma that you experienced with a therapist, because that’s the only way you’re going to move forward. And I know for me, the past traumas that I’ve had in my life as a young child, I look back at it now as, well, yeah, that was really traumatic at the time, but I’ve talked about it, I’ve worked through it, and it’s just now just a small chapter of my life that’s a part of who I am. And I’m actually grateful for some of those traumas because they really helped me grow and learn and to be a better therapist.

MEL: That’s precisely right. These events happen to all of us one way or the other. What our power is about is our choosing how to deal with it, whether we’re going to hide it and secret it away and make it part of our shame and insecurity and self-doubt, or whether we’re going to expose it and make it transparent and it then loses its power over us. I think a key component of leadership is around being comfortable not knowing. It’s about being comfortable not having the answer or choosing not to pretend to know in advance the answer. It’s about navigating the unknown. So for me, authentic leadership is not pretending that I know what’s in the future or what is out there and telling you I’m going to guide you through it. That sounds more like data analysis and predictability or playing chess. For me, the embrace of the uncertainty in terms of leadership is I trust I’ll be able to figure this out. Often when I am working with people around parenting issues and the individual may say to me, well, I get stuck. I don’t know what to say. That’s not the issue. The issue is that they don’t trust that the words will come to them, that the wisdom and the insight is potentially there so they don’t access the inner wisdom, which is there for all of us because we’re looking for a script to follow rather than just the intuitive sense it will come to me. So leadership can really galvanize and manifest when we allow the uncertainty and just trust it will come. Do you experience that?

CATHRYN: Yes, I do. It’s interesting you bring this up because yesterday I ended working at a nonprofit organization where I was supervising associates, seeking licensure. I’ve been supervising them for the last two and a half years. When I started in this role, I had never done supervision like that before where I ran a group of eight and also I did individual supervision with another different group. My sendoff yesterday, they put up a chart and everyone went up and wrote what they thought about me. It was just such a great sendoff and so meaningful to me and what they wrote. They wrote a lot of the things that you’re speaking to about how they really appreciated my authenticity, that I was collaborative. I would let them struggle to find the answers themselves. I didn’t always just provide them the answer. All the things that they listed, and I’ve been reviewing them even this morning, I realized it was something that I stumbled in and I wasn’t too sure about, but it really worked out great. Just trusting my inner spirit, what I think is true for me. I didn’t always have the answers either, but I would just say, I will look into that for you. I think it goes back to not being afraid and being to embrace that uncertainty. Of course, it’s very important to be authentic. That’s one of the things that they really loved about me and I just so appreciated that.

MEL: You and I have both used this word authentic a number of times. Why don’t we drill down a bit and share each of us what we mean by authentic or authenticity? For me, authenticity or to seek to become authentic means that I won’t hide anything, that my feelings and my thoughts are transparent. I will share them and I may be sensitive to what others think about me. I care about what they think, but I won’t betray my own genuine self to try to get others to approve of me or like me or think I’m smart because that’s inauthentic. For me, authenticity is I wear no masks. I am comfortable being who I am and you’re free to see me any way you choose. Of course, we live in a culture in which authenticity is probably not valued. It certainly isn’t taught. It’s genuine self-esteem. We teach what I call other esteem, which is that people are trained to elicit approval or avoid disapproval, that is contrary to authenticity. That’s why people who are authentic stand out, they shine. Do you mean anything different or would you like to add something to my description of authenticity?

CATHRYN: No, I think your description is spot on, Mel. That’s what authenticity is. One of the ways I think I illustrated that when I was running my group is that I would share mistakes that I did in doing therapy or even because my team would go out in the field and visit homes and work in a wraparound program with foster care kids. We often talk about safety. I shared a story how when I was once doing child abuse investigations, I really did everything wrong that you’re not supposed to do. I ended up getting assaulted, actually, by somebody in the home. I sat opposite the door. I just did everything you weren’t supposed to do. The mother was intoxicated. I tried to engage with her. I just did everything wrong. The whole group was laughing as I’m telling this story. I used it to illustrate how they can protect themselves and be in the future when they go out in the field and don’t do what I did. I think they really appreciated that, that I was able to share things that I did wrong and made mistakes. One of the things they said to me yesterday that by me telling those stories, they felt that it really freed them up to share with me and the group their mistakes. Our group was often that where someone would start sharing and saying, okay, I really think I screwed up yesterday, and here’s why. We were all very accepting of that individual and just supported them and helped foster that growth and let them know that it’s okay. They always felt real comfortable. They always said I was real approachable. I think it’s because I was always my authentic self with them. That’s why I think it’s so important. Embracing our vulnerable side allows authenticity.

MEL: As you told that story, I recall a story that I can share. I was rather new in practicing psychotherapy. One of the first groups that I taught was called Surviving the Divorce, Before, During, and After. I had recently been going through a rather horrendous divorce. I was working out of a home office. As I was facilitating my group on surviving the divorce, my ex-wife barged into the house, walked into the room, and harangued the group, casting horrendous dispersions at me, talking horribly about me. So I called the police and had them get her out of the house. And then calm settled down. And I walked back into the room, and I looked at everyone. I said, well, I couldn’t have arranged that any better. This is an example of how to handle a situation that’s out of control going through the divorce process. Now, I chose not to be embarrassed. I chose not to worry about what will they think of me. The same motif that you’re talking about, which is step into it. To really lead, we have to step in and not defend and not act with fear and trepidation. We have to allow ourselves to be our genuine self. And that to me is the principal pillar or a core foundation of leadership. And no doubt, that’s what you’re employing in your role.

CATHRYN: Yes, exactly. And I think in your situation too, you set a very fine example for them that these kinds of things happen, especially in a contentious divorce. And like you said, you step into it, you handle it, and you did. And you role modeled that for them perfectly. And you weren’t embarrassed. And this is life. These things happen, and we need to embrace those things and not run away or shy away from it or feel bad about it.

MEL: The other quality that I just wanted to introduce, which we’re touching on, but just to give it a word or a term, is that I think that genuine leadership requires a participatory element. In other words, it’s not directional. It’s not the proverbial school teacher standing up in front of the class and directing what to do. It’s not the military person leading the troops into warfare. It’s not even the typical CEO telling the executives underneath them what they have to do. Genuine authentic leadership requires a participatory spirit and emotional intelligence whereby we are attuning to the people around us. We’re checking in. We’re not just operating in a transactional way, delivering cognitive pieces of material, but we’re tuning into those around us, making sure that our words have the same meaning for each of us and for all of us, and tending to the feelings as well as the thoughts. Emotional intelligence, in my opinion, is absolutely necessary for effective leadership.

CATHRYN: Yes, I would agree. I really like the term that you just used, participatory spirit. I think that’s what I did in my group supervisions. One of the things they wrote on my chart in describing me is they wrote the word hierarchy and then they crossed it out. I said, what does that mean? They go, you did not take a step up above us. You were not firm in that boundary. You were real collaborative. You allowed us to all be on the same page, but you would lead and step in when necessary, but we never felt that you were above us. I think that’s what we had in that group, was that participatory spirit.

MEL: That’s great. You’re introducing no hierarchy, but collaborative or an equivalence, but nevertheless a leader. A picture just came to mind if you look overhead and watch a flock of birds flying in alignment. There may be a leader, but the leader doesn’t stand out from the group. A leader is simply part. It’s participating with the group and in a much more subtle way is leading. Well, thank you so much for this conversation, Catherine. By the way, if anyone’s listening, would you like to share how people who are interested in your work can get in touch with you?

CATHRYN: Oh yes, they can go to my website, which is www.catherineleflmft.com.

MEL: Where was your practice, Cathryn?

CATHRYN: It’s in Temecula, California. I also do online therapy as well in the state of California.

MEL: That’s great. Well, thank you so much for participating in today’s show.

CATHRYN: Thank you for having me, Mel. I really appreciate it. It’s been great.

MEL: So today we’ve begun to scratch at the surface around the art of leadership, this inner pathway of leadership. And doing this helps you in all walks of your life. It provides a safe, calm, inner authority where you can summon your intuitive, deeper wisdom. I was not born with the capabilities and skills of leadership, but one day I found myself in front of a large crowd of people, moved on, spurred on by my passion. I was in college during the Vietnam War, and I surprisingly to myself found myself leading a protest. And during those moments, some of the qualities of leadership became evident to me. Over the years, I learned to craft them personally.

MEL: And in my therapy practice, I’m devoted to helping people develop an intuitive ability to find that inner voice of wisdom, that inner voice of personal authority, of feeling safe within yourself and emotionally communicative with others. And so I encourage you to pursue the path of finding your inner leadership and doing whatever you choose with it as it may benefit you and others in your life.

The post #122 The Inner Path of Leadership first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

(This special episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz is also cross-posted as an article on my blog! You can listen to the companion podcast episode through the player above.)

Typically, the personal and lifestyle advantages of great affluence are conspicuously evident. What often flies beneath the radar is how uber-wealth may negatively impact relationship prosperity.

The unintended consequences of great wealth often distract individuals, couples and families from the deeper and more authentic gratification derived from emotional, verbal, and physical intimacy. This runs the gamut from the profound sharing of one’s deeper feelings that enable relationships to thrive, as well as enjoying romantic and sexual intimacy.

What informs my claim? Insights gleaned from working with a great many very high net worth families. Here’s what I often find.

Wealth affords enormous homes. The larger the home, the greater the distance between the family members. Everyone certainly has their own bedroom, if not their own wing. Unlike yesteryear, when the family convened in the family room to watch television together– in my youth it was called the TV room–it’s more likely now that everyone is in their own room attached to their own devices. When houses range up to and beyond 10,000 square feet, you might no longer call out to each other, but resort to intercoms.

This great distancing, made even worse by our addiction to the cell phone, can desecrate familiarity, the essence of intimate familial bonding. Physical distancing often results in emotional distancing.

The unscripted adventures of two children sharing a bedroom often leads to a bond of incalculable value. With wealth, and even with middle income families this opportunity vanishes with each child having their own room. Privacy often precludes bonding. This prompts the question as to which room must the parent visit first for the proverbial tucking in or bedtime story?

As well, it can be an all-consuming, full-time job trying to assure the very best education for your children. With wealth, expectations for your children’s achievement may increase proportionally, and sadly, most parents struggle to maintain balance. Your aspirations and goals, although sensible at first, may remove you from being truly present in the moment. As John Lennon sang, paraphrasing writer Alan Sanders, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

Let’s turn our attention to the couple. As with most marriages, what begins initially as a romantic connection tends to devolve into a utilitarian, pragmatic relationship. We turn our attention to life’s demands, as we must. But wealth can exacerbate this loss of passion. Attention is likely no longer on just one home and decorating it, but the enormous endeavor of purchasing, decorating, landscaping, and staffing multiple homes. Another reward for financial abundance is travel, as it should be. But be wary of how much time is spent in the planning of these getaways. The strategizing and planning around financial matters can often take center stage, also ignoring the heart of the relationship.

Excessively busy and demanding lives tend to go hand in hand with affluence, often distracting from the core relationship. As a psychotherapist and marriage counselor I’ve often seen how the gift of wealth may unsuspectingly lead to such great distraction that neither person is tending to the energy of the relationship. Just as you must stoke the logs in the fireplace to keep the fire going, when emotional and sexual intimacy become an afterthought, the flame of the relationship withers.

Emotional intimacy is the bedrock of thriving relationships. Wealth doesn’t bring happiness, resilient relationships do. The goal is to see wealth as the icing on the cake, but not the cake itself. I counsel my clients to navigate a balance from which their relationship remains their priority, lest they get swept away in the torrent of wealth-distracting matters. Attaining great wealth is a gift, but it can become a Trojan horse when we lose sight of what brought the couple together and how to secure the immense rewards of wonderful coupling and familial bonds.

Let me know what you think! Be sure to leave a comment!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Don’t miss a single Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz! Subscribe for free in iTunes / Apple Podcasts, YouTube, Spotify, RadioPublic, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Or, simply copy / paste the RSS link directly into the podcast app of your choice!

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #121Hello everybody and welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

In my practice, I have the opportunity to work with any number of uber wealthy individuals and families and it’s occurred to me that wealth for all of its benefits can have a negative impact on relationships, familiar relationships, intimate relationships between couples. It’s something beneath the surface that’s not typically seen. Now, many of the principles and challenges I’m going to talk about apply to many upwardly mobile families, not only the uber wealthy. So listen in.

Uber wealthy families obviously enjoy all the benefits, lifestyle, material, travel, all the benefits that derive from their financial prosperity. They either inherited their wealth or they worked hard to achieve it. And typically the personal lifestyle advantages of great affluence are conspicuously evident. But what often lies beneath the radar is how wealth can negatively impact relationship prosperity. In other words, financial prosperity does not equal relationship prosperity. And at times there’s an inverse correlation.

These unintended consequences of great wealth often distract individuals, couples, and families from the deeper and more authentic gratification that’s derived by intimacy. Now by intimacy, I’m referring to emotional, verbal, physical intimacy. This runs the continuum from the profound sharing of your deeper feelings in healthy and beneficial ways, emotional intelligence, which we can all use some greater increase in and this enables relationships to thrive and to enjoy romantic and sexual intimacy is just as important or nearly as important.

So how do I come to this belief? Well I’ve gleaned these insights from working with significant numbers of very high net worth families. Here’s what I often find, wealth can afford large homes, enormously large homes.

The larger the home, the greater the distance between the family members. These houses can be 10,000 square feet and more. Everyone certainly has their own bedroom if not their own wing. Now this applies to people who are not particularly wealthy as well, just simply well off. You know, when I was a kid, the family convened in the family room if there were one to watch TV together. Frankly, in my childhood, we called it the TV room. It was a small den off the kitchen. Now it’s more likely that everyone is in their own room attached to their own devices. With these mega sized houses, you may no longer actually call out to one another but resort to the intercom system.

This great distancing, made worse by our addiction to cell phones, it can desecrate familiarity, the essence of family bonding. Physical distancing often results in emotional distancing. It doesn’t have to, but there is a correlation.

You know, when I was a kid, I shared a bedroom with my brother, even though there was a spare bedroom which we called the guest bedroom. The unscripted adventures of two children sharing a bedroom often leads to an incalculable bond and adventure. Well, very often, wealth denies this opportunity as it ensures that everyone has their privacy. But which room does the parent visit first for that proverbial bedtime tucking in or story? And that compartmentalizing, that divide and conquer has its consequences.

Now let’s look at education. You don’t need to be uber wealthy to want the best education for your children and navigating the path to get them into the very best colleges. This is an all consuming full time job unto itself. And it doesn’t necessarily have a correlate to how much wealth you have. However, with great wealth, your expectations for your children’s achievement may increase proportionally and sadly, you lose balance. Frankly, the overwhelming epidemic of anxiety amongst school aged children is due to the pressure that they feel about this level of achievement. But I’m not going to go off onto that tangent now. If you’re interested in that subject, I did an episode called Unintended Child Abuse. Listen into that.

So getting back to education, the aspirations and goals of the uber wealthy, although sensible at first, may remove them from being truly present in the moment. You know, as John Lennon sang, life is what’s happening while you’re busy making other plans. Wow. Just think about that. Everything becomes future oriented and we’re not present.

Now let’s turn our attention to the couple. As with most marriages, what begins initially as a romantic engagement tends to devolve into a utilitarian, pragmatic approach to the relationship. There are many, many reasons why romance withers. I’ve spoken about that in other episodes. The need to maintain a level of uncertainty, how predictability becomes the death knell of relationship. But with uber wealthy people, this may even be more the case. We all turn our attention to life’s demands as we have to, but wealth again can exacerbate this loss of passion and connection. You see, attention may no longer be just on one home and decorating it, but the enormous task of purchasing, decorating, landscaping and staffing multiple homes. Another reward for financial abundance is travel, as it ought to be. But be wary of how much time is spent in the planning of these getaways. Maybe the getaway is organized through a travel agent, your own personal travel agent, but it still requires time and attention, another distraction. This strategizing and planning around financial matters can take center stage and that is a job unto itself.

What happened to the heart of the relationship? It dissipates. Excessively busy and demanding lives tend to go hand in hand with great affluence. This distances the couple from the core relationship. As a psychotherapist and a marriage counselor, I’ve come to see how the gift of wealth may unsuspectingly set up kind of an attention deficit. You know, you need to stoke the energy of a relationship just like you have to tend to the fire in the fireplace to keep it going. But when emotional and sexual intimacy becomes an afterthought, the relationship begins to dry up and wither.

Emotional intimacy is the bedrock of relationships. Wealth doesn’t bring happiness. Resilient relationships bring happiness. We need to see wealth as the icing on the cake, but not the cake itself. I counsel my clients to navigate a balance, a balance from which their relationships with one another remain their priority so they don’t get swept away in the torrent of all these wealth-distracting matters. Attaining great wealth is a gift. Attaining moderate wealth is a gift. But this gift can become a Trojan horse when we lose sight of what brought the couple together initially and expanded into the family. And how to secure these immense rewards of wonderful coupling and family bonds, this is the key. Wealth needs to be seen as a wonderful addition to the prosperity of emotionally healthy and thriving relationships.

In conclusion and in summation, many of the things I talked about are pertinent without great wealth. But there are even more of the case with wealth. Don’t allow wealth to drive your focus and your attention. Simply use it as a supplement, a wonderful supplement, which enhances an already wonderful life.

Well, until next time, be well, embrace your uncertainty, and I’ll speak with you again in a week. Bye for now.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at Mel at MelSchwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at MelSchwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show. And it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. And that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again. And please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #121 How Wealth Can Negatively Impact Relationships first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

I’m pleased to present episode 120 of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, in which I speak to a very special guest: Ilene Smith.

What makes Ilene special? She was featured in the book that is the companion to this podcast: The Possibility Principle: How Quantum Physics Can Improve the Way You Think, Live and Love as “Helen.” Long time listeners will also recognize her story as one I’ve told on the podcast, too.

In this episode, we follow up with Ilene to learn more about her journey to becoming a highly regarded counselor specializing in trauma recovery. Reach out to Ilene via email at smith_ilene@yahoo.com.

Listen, and let me know what you think! Be sure to leave a comment!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #120MEL: Hello everybody and welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

MEL: Hi everyone. It’s my great pleasure to bring on a very formidable guest. Formidable is a word I’m using to speak to how I have known her and engaged her over the years through her own formidability. And I’m using that word because she has embraced her vulnerability. And you see the paradox there that I’m always teaching. When someone embraces their vulnerability, they become formidable. They become self-empowered. So I’m going to introduce to you today, Ilene.

MEL: Ilene is a mindfulness and positive psychology coach. She has a resume that is far too long and too wide for me to recount, but I’ll ask her to share with you all of those details. And I met Ilene, how many years ago would you say Ilene we met?

ILENE: I would say in dog years or human. About 20.

MEL: At least 20 years ago. At least 20. She’s probably being kind. And I want everybody to know that Ilene goes under the pseudonym of Helen in my book, The Possibility Principle. I shared an anecdote about Helen and at that time I was protecting her confidentiality. But at this point, I think it’s clear that that’s no longer necessary. So Helen’s real name is Ilene.

MEL: So let me share the anecdote from the book and then we will move in and invite Ilene to speak more about what was happening then in her life and now and very fundamentally how she has engaged her change process. So the anecdote I share in my book about Ilene was that I had given her an introduction to a colleague in common. She had some professional interests that I thought this colleague could help her with. His name is Bud. And I arranged for them or gave them an introduction to meet at a conference that Bud was attending.

MEL: Ilene went and attended that conference. Before the conference began, she noticed or recognized Bud who was speaking with any number of people. And Ilene stood by waiting for Bud to turn and pay attention to her and greet her. And at that point, Ilene, as you would say, you were feeling ignored or not noticed, correct?

ILENE: Absolutely.

MEL: Okay. So as time went by, the conference started and Bud was no longer talking to that group surrounding him. And Ilene, known as Helen in my book, decided her words were to me, I guess I just wasn’t that important. Bud left without looking to find her or look to her. And she concluded, I guess I just wasn’t that important.

MEL: So I do what I do. I challenged her. How do you know that to be a fact? Now I knew at that time that Ilene was carrying around this very core belief about herself, a self-esteem matter, that she felt she wasn’t that important. We explored how she came to that belief. And she shared with me that in her childhood, she and her mother had a role reversal. She waited hand and foot on her mother. Their roles were reversed. She was there to serve her mother and the experiences of childhood weren’t available for her. She wasn’t primary. She wasn’t the important one as a child. Her mom was. So she had a wave collapse. Remember wave collapses, those experiences in childhood, which can be chronic or acute, which inform our primary beliefs about ourself. And out of those primary beliefs, we have countless thoughts. Her thought was, I guess I’m not that important. Coming from the belief she carried from her childhood. So I pointed out those wave collapses to Ilene, and we went to work on helping her learn to see her belief and see her thought and not become that thought. Well, we’ve been at a touch for quite a number of years and recently reconnected. I have no idea where Ilene’s going to go with this story or our conversation, but I’m inviting her in and saying, welcome aboard. And please tell us what progress or lack of do you think you have made over these last 15 years in terms of breaking through that limiting belief of, I guess I’m just not that important.

ILENE: It’s very strange to hear you tell that story. And I remember it vividly. Clearly from listening to that and where I am, I’ve had a long journey, which I suppose explains why my feet hurt so much. And I was very lucky to come into your office at a time in which my marriage was unraveling after 25 years. But more fundamentally than my marriage unraveling, it was the fabric that I believe wove me together in terms of how I saw myself in the world and how I saw myself internally. And it was a very challenging time. You of course are an extremely challenging therapist to work with, which I needed. I didn’t need somebody who would hold my hand, although I can say I wouldn’t have liked that some days, but you challenged me to dig in. I would say there were days it felt like I was on an archaeological dig to find that hidden strength that I really had, but had stopped accessing it. So the nature of who I am is I’m a contemplative and I’m an academic. So during the process and time in which we work together, I went at this change process, both from a contemplative process, going back into many decades of meditating, as well as an academic process. And I started to ask myself, what were the three fundamental issues that my marriage unraveling had sort of catalyzed and had come to the foreground? And I came up with three things that haunted me. What did I do wrong? Why am I not enough? And of course, the third question is, what do I do now?

ILENE: So I think the what do I do now was less common than it might have been. I think a lot of people, especially women after divorce, go and want to get a makeover, change their hair, lose 20 pounds. It isn’t that that didn’t have some appeal to me, but my inner knowing was really that what I needed to change was not the color of my hair or the size of the heel I wore, but really what was it inside of me that was dictating how I felt. And certainly that what am I doing that’s not enough? Why am I not enough propelled me forward. At that time, luckily, there was a man named Nathaniel Brandon who was creating a world about research about self-esteem. And I’d read about him. I was doing workshops with teachers and superintendents about the importance of raising a child’s self-esteem so that they couldn’t just think they could, but that we gave them the skills along with that to do that. So I went to Omega for a three-day conference.

ILENE: And I’m not sure I had been to Omega many times at that point, but I parked, I got in there, there was a huge, big room, a really huge open room in there. And it was not what I expected. He stood up after his introduction and instead of doing a preamble or an opening monologue, he right away had us get up on our feet and do the following very challenging, very Mel Schwartz activity. He said we had to say our name three times, only we had to say our name. My name is Ilene Smith and I am enough. My first reaction is, well, that’s pretty strange. I paid for this conference. The second time, my name is Ilene Smith and I am enough. And I began to know something had shifted that there was an awareness in my body that just saying my name and this time listening to my words, listening to the sound of my proclaiming my name and I was enough started to create a shift. And on the third time, I was really aware that there was something inhabiting in my body that was unexpected. So very mind-body shift and awareness. So I thought, I lived through that. I can deal with that.

ILENE: And then the next instruction came, which was to go out and individually greet everyone in the room by going over and making eye contact, shaking their hand. Those are pre-COVID days, so we didn’t worry about that. Saying my name is Ilene Smith and I’m enough, making eye contact, heart contact, I would say, and then making a container big enough and spacious enough for the other person to say it and to feel heard. So it was a real amplification of genuine presence. And that alone is healing. When you are with somebody, it’s really with them and listening, it’s healing.

MEL: If we could just contrast that experience with the anecdote from my book, you were standing there waiting for Bud to acknowledge you. You concluded in your retreating and pulling back, I am not enough. I guess I just wasn’t that important. So that core shift of belief, I guess I’m not that important to I am enough. And as you said, I am enough, lots of thoughts came to mind. I am good enough. I am valuable enough. I am all things enough. I just haven’t known it. So there you’re resonating with your primary relationship, the relationship that impacts you far more than any other relationship is with your beliefs and your thoughts. So there was a profound defining moment shift in you with the words, I am enough.

ILENE: I think that’s a wonderful summary of exactly what happened. And there were two other things that happened, a lot of things that happened that weekend that I will forever be grateful for. But the two things that I noticed first was that it was a big room and people have, you know, there’s a sensation of people’s breath and peppermints and all the mélange of things that happen when you put a lot of people in the room. But there was a shift to the smell of fear. And I have always said about myself, I’m like a human beagle, that I perceive things on a scent level. And it influences me and informs a lot of the impressions that I get. And so the room was filled with an odd scent of fear. And sort of the way a dog knows that you are afraid of them. I looked around the room and didn’t watch anything that looked challenging. And then I realized that I must not be the only one that is having a discrepancy between my inner belief, which clearly was I’m not enough, and what it would take to take the leap from I’m not enough to I am enough. And that I think I believe to this day, created fear. And I was aware of it. And I could sense it in the room. So when I went to bed at night, I think I knew something had shifted, that proclaiming it and not pushing it away was really a shift for me. And I began to professionally think about how I could work with those three ideas. Because when things go wrong, instead of saying, okay, what do I learn from this? I think there’s a reflex, I think for women, maybe more than men, to say, what did I do wrong? Why am I not enough? And then what do I do now as a result of those?

MEL: So just for clarification, when you’re saying there was a scent of fear, In the room.

ILENE: In the room.

MEL: Two questions, how would you, given the notion of inseparability, how would you distinguish my scent of fear or the scent of others? But more importantly, are you saying that after everyone said I am enough, then following that, the scent of fear or prior to that?

ILENE: I think the moment he asked us to get on our feet and say that I am enough, I think we all came, it was a Friday night, with an expectation that the opening night he’ll say interesting things, we’ll take notes, and we’ll get on the easy street to the rest of the workshop. And I think his challenging and I would tell you confrontational style the whole weekend was more than I expected.

MEL: So you’re saying that it was the surprise, you’re not sitting there in the anonymity of the audience, but everybody was standing up. Did everyone stand up at the same time and say I am?

ILENE: No, that’s so funny that you ask that, because not only did some people not stand up, there were several people who never stood and they did not come back on Saturday.

MEL: So you may remember or you may not recall the work we used to do and what I used to teach around the to be verbs and how they limit us is, am, were, was. So when we look at the term, I am enough, let’s look at the converse, I’m not enough. In my book, your message was, I guess I wasn’t important enough. When we remove the to be verb in a negative way, then instead of I am not enough, it’s I feel like I’m not enough. And now the shift here, when you say I am enough, underneath it, what’s really shifting? It’s the feeling. I feel like I am enough because there’s no objective truth to it, but if I feel like I am enough, then indeed I am. So do you agree that it’s ultimately the perception or the feeling, the subjective feeling underneath that is the wellspring of the shift as opposed to the objective statement?

ILENE: I do. And I think after decades of working with different clients, I think part of what allows you to stay in the belief that I am enough is developing a certain capacity for distress tolerance and not having a moment of distress throw you out of that belief that I am enough. Okay, so I am enough, of course, we can go through stress, distress, anxiety, but the resilience that I can handle it. That’s the resilient quality. Life brings challenges, conflicts, heartache, stress, but I am enough allows you to feel that you can navigate it. So it’s a resource.

MEL: So would you say this shift for you beyond those words in the ensuing years, the shift is that you began to trust your own resourcefulness?

ILENE: Oh, yes, for sure. And I also learned to tolerate the areas that are still challenges for me without diminishing my sense of self.

MEL: Could you speak to some of those areas that you still feel challenged by?

ILENE: Even with a GPS, I can get lost. I navigationally and technologically, I feel like Wilma Flintstone. And when I have to make a big presentation, or they put that little mic on me, the first thing I do is notice there’s a flutter. And then somebody comes and helps me. And then I go back into saying, I’m not here to be the tech expert. I’m here to bring to you some open heartedness, some willingness to be vulnerable and courageous in how we interact. And I don’t judge myself as harshly as I did.

MEL: So you feel like you’ve traveled quite a distance from back then with I am not enough to get your resourcefulness now that I am.

ILENE: I would say.

MEL: Those questions that you had asked yourself at the time of your divorce process, what did I do wrong? Interesting question, right? The propensity there was, it must be my fault. Is that kind of like a childhood reflex, which is if you attending to your mother and serving her needs, if she was upset or angry with you, it was what did I do wrong?

ILENE: Or what didn’t I do right? And the other question that popped up then, and it’s emerging even in our conversation, which is provocative and probably very meaningful for a further conversation with myself, which is I’ve shifted from why is this happening to me, which is very much disempowered to why is this happening for me with an understanding that life is going to give us completely the unexpected. And if I can get out of my own way enough to say that there is some gift in this, might not be one that shows up where I’m clear about now, but there is an advantage to having the alchemy of challenge.

MEL: By all means, it’s just such a fundamentally vital restructuring of how we see things. I’m sure you’ve experienced, it’s my belief in my own life and in the work I do with others, that we keep being presented with the same type of challenges until we learn to vault over it, grow and prosper. And then those challenges don’t recur. For example, I’ll work with people who say I’m always being taken advantage of. Why is that? I’ll ask, do you think you’re just so unfortunate that people are always looking to take advantage of you? Why doesn’t that happen to me? Because this is school. This is our education life. All these things present to us as opportunities to grow and learn. And once we do, it doesn’t happen any longer. You start to attract different kinds of people into your life, don’t you?

ILENE: I think so. Very much so.

MEL: So we are no longer asking yourself, why is this happening to me? The way I would put it sometimes would be, what is the opportunity here for me to learn that I’m not seeing? If I keep walking into the same wall, I need to turn the lights on, figuratively speaking, so I don’t walk into that wall. And that’s a whole different way of looking at life experience. And again, we’re not blaming and faulting ourselves. We’re here to learn, to evolve and to grow. At least that’s a dominant spiritual belief that this is our schooling. Could you share with the listeners a bit about your mindfulness practice and your meditation practice and how you go after helping others?

ILENE: I started doing mindfulness in my 20s, very, very early. I was extremely lucky to have had that come into my life early. And I had one experience where I volunteered in Danmore State Prison, and it was a maximum security prison. And I was a very young, innocent, I was absolutely sure I could make a difference. And when I arrived at the prison, I had met with the warden, what are you going to do? I’m five foot three, I think he was a little worried. How was I going to deal with the tattoos and the large men who were angry and stuck inside? But he assured me that he would always have two bodyguards, two guards, not bodyguards, although they felt like bodyguards in the room with me. And initially, you can imagine there was some resistance to it. But I am a believer, I’m passionate about the capacity to let your mind be full, and to be full of different options. And so I would come into the room and week by week, I would work with them on learning to pause, learning to deescalate, learning ultimately, self compassion and compassion for others. And it was the most exhilarating, sad time because a lot of these men were lifers, and Danmore is a maximum state prison. And after each meditation practice, I would have them do some form of creative experience to help them embody what the practice had included. And one day, I some of them couldn’t read, I asked them to bring to take a pen and pencil and to sketch out a cup, because I had been talking about setting an intention, and how no matter what you were doing, you had the opportunity to open your mind, start your day by setting an intention. So interestingly enough, I do practice what I preach, all of my cups have different things on them, this one happens to say, be joyful. And I intentionally in the morning, open up my cupboard and ask myself, what do I want to fill my cup with? Is it calm? Is it joy? Is it kindness? Is it self love, self worth? So I have a lot of them.

ILENE: And after one particularly challenging session, I had the men take a piece of paper and create their own cups. And then they could fill the cups with anything they wanted. And some of them were angry, their cups were flowing over. And some of them were one word that we later used as a mantra. And it was fascinating. And we got into this conversation about how most of us have a reductionist point of view. We think about is your cup half empty? Is it half full? That wasn’t where I wanted them or hoped they would go. And what I wanted them to realize is that what we put in our cup, what we keep in our cup is intentional. And when our cup is filled with things that are toxic and unproductive, we have the intentionality and the capacity to empty the cup. And they taught me every week, what it was like to go from feeling behind bars, behind walls, behind words, behind my beliefs, to saying, even now, I have the capacity to find some freedom. I think of my professional experiences that will always occupy a place in my heart. That was the one. And I’ve taken those gifts from those men and begun to go out in the world and work with populations that are pretty diverse. I was lucky enough, maybe I’m not going to use luck, because I do think that we are given opportunities if they’re in front of us.

ILENE: We might have to go around to find them, but I’ve had some extraordinary opportunities to be part of some national mindfulness movements. I was one of the original writers for Goldie Hawn’s, the Hawn Foundation’s curriculum, which is K through 12, called Mind Up, in which we structured a body of lessons for the kids and the teachers, teaching kids the skills of that. So instead of feeling, I’ve got nothing to do but explode, I have nothing to do but implode, that they can learn to stop, self-regulate, self-love, and then recreate something else. So every day that I went into different cities, I was a specialist in turnaround schools. You could stick me in a school because I tend to see the best, not just the worst or the stuff that was a struggle, but to work with these turnaround schools.

ILENE: And I had to give a speech at a national conference, and I talked about, I’d been at this one school in the South Bronx, which was a really hard school, for about six months. And one day I walked in and there was blood all over the floor, and there were cops, and I was there to do a whole faculty presentation on stress management and using breath work to self-regulate. And I found out that it was a fourth grader who took a big pen and had no way to see himself as enough, no way to regulate himself, no way to see options for this conflict and volcano that was inside of him. And he grabbed a pen and stuck the pen, the big pen, into the neck of his, of a fellow student. And that was how I began my day, working with the teachers about where do we go from here? What now? That was incredible. I walked out, I got in my car. I think I sat there unable to start the car because I was awash with my own emotions and everybody else’s as well.

MEL: That’s quite a story. When you were using the word mindfulness before, I became aware of my thoughts.

ILENE: Oh, tell me.

MEL: And my thought at that moment was, well, there’s the old story of the student goes to the Zen master for his lesson and the master says, would you like a cup of tea? And the student says, certainly, master, and holds out his cup. And the master starts to pour the tea until the cup overflows. And the student says, master, my cup is overflowing. And the Zen master says, I’m just reminded with all the thoughts. So I just want to share here, not so much with you, but with the listener. We always have to look at words and terms and ask, tell me what you mean by it. Because for some, mindfulness can be addressed very, very efficiently and usefully the way you’re addressing it, Ilene. And for others, mindfulness requires emptying the mind of the thoughts. So I think ultimately, it’s the quality of the thoughts running through our mind. And always remember that the moment you have a thought, that thought attaches to the accompanying feeling. Thought and feeling operate as a complex together. So if you are fearful, hateful thoughts, we know what you will be feeling and you’re caught in that tandem. But your work around mindfulness sounds extraordinary. Clearly, how it’s also assisted you over the years is just incredible.

MEL: So in the notes to this episode, I’m going to be sharing with the listeners, if anyone wants to get in touch with you or write to you or seek you out professionally, I’m going to provide your contact information and everything else for the listeners of the podcast. So I’m just going to put you on the spot for a moment. In conclusion, what’s the one thing that you want the listener to take away?

ILENE: Ask better questions.

MEL: I love that.

ILENE: I guess. And don’t judge the answers.

MEL: Ask a new question. Ask a new question. That’s when we move into constructing new realities, when we ask new questions. Beautiful. Well, thank you so much.

ILENE: You’re welcome.

MEL: Thanks for joining the show.

MEL: Well, everybody, hope you enjoyed today’s episode. And until next time, wishing you mindfulness, wishing you a mind free from stress, fear, anger. Looking forward to speaking with you again next week. Be well until then.

MEL: I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at Mel at MelSchwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at MelSchwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show. And it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. And that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again. And please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #120 I Am Enough first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In episode 119 of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, I discuss the question of why, when we know reality is based on possibility, we still tend to reject uncertainty.

Listen as I explain why striving for certainty and predictability is actually fear-driven.

What’s the alternative?

You’ll have to check out the episode to hear all the details, but here’s a hint: if you’re in the Now, you’re automatically open to uncertainty, and possibility..!

Let me know what you think! Be sure to leave a comment!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #119Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Hello everyone. I’m going to be bringing you another principle of uncommon sense today. This principle is around the myth of certainty. Reality appears thoroughly uncertain, so why don’t we embrace that uncertainty?

For nearly a hundred years, the new sciences, led by quantum physics, have been telling us that reality appears entirely uncertain. The problem is that we continue to be addicted to certainty and predictability. How is that possibly going to work out?

If you’re pursuing or seeking something that is unattainable, how frustrated do you think you’re going to get? And worse still, if we resist and fear what is unavoidable, we freeze ourselves in that fear. Remember, any philosophy for life that results in fear is a non-starter. This type of incongruity is a theme you’ll be noticing in these principles. Fear heads us down the wrong path.

The ability to determine the future, that’s the essence of determinism brought to us by the 17th century thinkers and philosophers Newton and Descartes. But in the early 20th century, the quantum physicist Heisenberg gave us the uncertainty principle which upended determinism. It appears that the fabric of reality is altogether uncertain. So science apparently has a mind of its own and it keeps on evolving.

Now wouldn’t it be great if we tried to do the same? What happens if we’re stuck in 17th century thinking?

You know, if life were an academic course, we’d be failing. Our addiction to certainty and predictability, it’s an invisible force in our lives as we try and try to predict the future. It’s natural to want some degree of assurance that the outcomes of our decisions and our actions will suit us. So we analyze the variables. For some people, we do it tirelessly, trying to make our very best decision.

The problem is that we’ve gone so far down the path of avoiding uncertainty that we become immobilized by our addiction to predictability. We’ve lost balance and we become servants to predictability. This paralysis freezes many of us. You know, those of you out there who struggle around decision making and succumb to analysis paralysis, you know exactly what I’m referring to. You freeze from the fear of making a mistake. We’ve become imprisoned by the shackles of predictability.

So you may be thinking, what’s wrong with trying to calculate the future? Nothing other than a matter of degree. You need to know what time the train leaves, your flight departs. You need to know what time to get to school to pick up your kids or when your doctor’s appointment is or your next meeting. And you can analyze a stock and try to make a well-informed investment. Or if you’re playing chess, you can try to calculate that future as best you can with your next move. But the addiction to trying to calculate our personal lives leaves us in a bind.

Think of it this way. Focusing on the future robs you of the ability to be truly present. Think about this. If you’re not present, how can you possibly actualize your life’s possibilities? Rather than thinking about the potential as a future event, you must actualize that potential in the moment you’re in. That’s all you have.

The irony here is that by being truly present, your future is more likely to unfold in the way you wish it to. So we call it the future because it’s unknown. When we need to know what’s unknowable, the result is fear, sometimes anxiety. So trying to calculate what is incalculable causes despair and anxiety. And this often induces that fear I spoke about a few moments ago. Am I making a mistake? That doesn’t work. Seeking certainty kind of causes us to live in a straitjacket, which binds us toward analyzing and predicting, but not free to engage in the flow of life. Be in the flow. You can’t if you’re calculating the future. You can’t be gripped by the fear of making mistakes and be in the flow of life.

I cannot exaggerate how big this conundrum is. Take a moment and reflect on this. What do you choose? To live in the fear of making mistakes or to get in the flow and navigate your life? Now, I do appreciate that you need to be mindful of potential risks when you venture into uncertainty and the possible consequences of your actions, but also contemplate the consequences of surrendering to fear. There’s a healthy balance you can achieve when you welcome uncertainty.

Modern physics describes reality as an unfolding energy of possibilities, not subject to certainty. Now, if you want to actualize your possibilities, you must loosen the noose of certainty that strangles you.

Let’s think about the word uncertain. Why does that word evoke a negative feeling? Ordinarily, the word uncertain creates a negative image, like your medical prognosis is uncertain or her future looks uncertain. Why do we equate uncertain with negative? This bias against what’s uncertain reveals a tremendous obstacle in being able to live well. Given that life is uncertain, if we don’t change our relationship with the unknown, we will swim upstream in perpetual fear.

Think of it this way. If your current circumstances don’t really suit you, the idea of uncertainty should release you from the imprisonment of certainty. If you’re in a conflicted or negative relationship, then uncertainty should be welcomed. It might change the current reality. If you dislike your job or feel undercompensated, the certainty of that situation should be depressing. In that case, you’d think you’d welcome in some uncertainty that would come with the possibility of change. The negative connotation around uncertainty is rooted in our addictive, pathological need for certainty.

On the other hand, the word possibilities evokes positive feelings. We all aspire to summon possibilities into our lives. Possibilities after all are the essence of hopefulness. Here’s the impasse. Visualizing new possibilities into your life requires welcoming uncertainty. If you remain stuck in the certain, how can you bring newness into your life? Whether that future is positive or not, certainty precludes possibility. The script is already written. Certainty forecloses on what’s possible. It’s like a mathematical equation. You become part of the formula of certainty.

How will demanding certainty impact your hope for future possibilities, the ability to bring newness into your life? What if you learn to welcome some uncertainty rather than avoid it? To experience the flow of your life and actualize possibilities, you need to embrace uncertainty. So re-envision uncertainty as your ally and you can actualize your possibilities. If you notice distress or fear around uncertainty, observe your reaction and release it. Employ the paradox. If you welcome in uncertainty, you’re not trying to hold back the future, but you’re navigating the flow of your life. You’re not without power. You’re not without mastery. You can navigate the flow of your life, but you have to get into that flow. But being bound up and a straightjacket of certainty, it dooms you to being a character in the novel, the plot already written.

Welcome some uncertainty, embrace possibilities, and your life can be navigated in the path and direction that you want.

Let’s take a look at the belief that it’s hard to change. Why do we experience personal change as such a heavy lift? Think it has something to do with our relationship with certainty? Think about this paradox. I want to change, but I cling to what’s familiar, what’s predictable, and what’s certain. When you become an indentured servant to the familiar, change would appear elusive, wouldn’t it? So perhaps we shouldn’t say change is hard, but rather that we struggle with change because we fear the unfamiliar. If our worldview, our old worldview is static and inert, then change would be the exception. And that’s why we have a commonly accepted belief that it’s hard to change. And a worldview that welcomes uncertainty, we’d no longer imagine change as the exception.

In fact, this new picture of reality coming to us from science would describe a reality where everything is in flow, nothing is fixed or static, and that would of course include us, humans. Wouldn’t it be great to release your fear of the unknown and get into that flow? If you embrace uncertainty, you shift into flow. Think of uncertainty as the wind in your sails, empowering you toward the changes that you seek in your life. Resisting uncertainty creates fear and anxiety. It cannot work out. We cannot predict the future with predictability, but being addicted to predictability, well, that will guarantee a lot of dysfunction in our lives. Certainly it’s not what we want.

So embrace some uncertainty and bring possibilities into your life. I’m not talking about being reckless. I’m not talking about being a daredevil here. The way to come out of our familiar zone is by welcoming discomfort. Instead of speaking about a comfort zone, it’s more accurate to call it the familiar zone. It may not be comfortable, but it is familiar. If you struggle with anxiety, depression, or anger, or fear, those feelings are familiar, but they’re not comfortable. Growth lies outside the confines of your familiar zone. So as challenged or as miserable as you may feel in your familiar zone, you may be still resisting discomfort, which is what’s required to break free. That’s why we feel frustrated and stuck like we’re a character in Groundhog’s Day. Change seems elusive and far-fetched when you’re imprisoned in the confines of the familiar.

So here’s the paradox. You may want to change, but fear becomes the guardrail that keeps you stuck. But fear of what? Fear of what lies out there in the realm of the uncertain. When you think about making the leap forward, you may stall out because it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Now, here’s the way out. If thinking about the change you’re seeking makes you uncomfortable, take that discomfort and turn it into your ally. If the idea of change frightens you, embrace that fear and make it your ticket to freedom. See the fear as your ally. Welcome it in. Growth always lies outside of your familiar zone. Embrace it. Invite it. Turn fear and discomfort into your ally, just as you might embrace the strenuousness of working out. Do the same with distress and it will evaporate. That’s the paradox.

When I am working with a client and trying to guide them as to how they can achieve the changes they’re looking to make, and on occasion they may say, I haven’t done it. It made me uncomfortable. I may smile and say, well, that’s good. A sign of discomfort means that’s exactly where you need to go. Embrace the discomfort, embrace uncertainty, and life will be an altogether different kind of experience for you.

Well, until next time, embrace that uncertainty. Look forward to speaking with you again next week. Bye for now.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel@melschwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show, and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts, and that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again, and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #119 Uncertainty Welcomes In Possibilities first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 118 of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz features another nugget of uncommon sense: self-esteem is not what you think!

Listen to understand why what we think of as self-esteem is actually focused not on what we think of ourselves, but rather what others think of us.

In the episode, I explain the possible roots of this very common worldview, and help you adjust your thinking so that you can thrive in your life and in your relationships.

Once you’ve listened, let me know what you think! Be sure to leave a comment!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #118Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Hello everyone. I’m going to be presenting another principle from Uncommon Sense and that principle is self-esteem is not what you may think it is.

Low self-worth is horribly common and it’s tragic. It impinges on our quality of life. So many people struggle with low self-esteem, arguably by my measure, probably more than half of the population. And the struggle with low self-worth is due to that wrong-minded common sense beliefs, which ironically result in low self-esteem and then indenture us as we become servants to our fears about what we think other people think of us.

Nothing is going to impact your life more than your relationship with yourself, your beliefs about yourself and your thoughts about yourself. This is the filter through which you experience virtually everything. Your life, your experiences, your relationships all come through the filter of your self-worth. What could be more critical in how you experience your life than how you feel about yourself? A society comprised of individuals with authentic self-worth, and wouldn’t that be a great place to live? It doesn’t have to be a utopian thought.

To achieve this goal, we have to examine true sources of genuine self-worth and cast off the damaging beliefs that we cling to and adhere to that result in shattering our self-worth. In other words, our beliefs about how to navigate worth, about how to navigate self-worth and our concerns about what others may think of us, that’s the problem.

So what do I mean by the term self-esteem? Simply put, it speaks very subjectively to how you feel about yourself, what you think of yourself. But what are the sources that inform how you value yourself?

We can easily appreciate our self-worth was powerfully shaped by our childhood, our parents, their relationship with each other, and the messages that we receive from them. You know, as a child, if you were told, think before you speak, well, there’s a wave collapse for you, that would impact your self-worth. As children, our parents were clearly the primary mirror from which we learned to see ourselves and how to see ourselves. So our first realization might be our initial sense of self-worth came ironically not from ourself but from others. Of course, we had no other choice and we were at the mercy of our parents’ influence on us.

But as we grow older and become more autonomous, as we progress through childhood to adolescence and young adulthood, this way of how we see ourselves and how we think others see us sets up a betrayal of our own inner well-being.

Let me explain. By the time we go to school, as children, the way we feel about ourselves is no longer only limited to how our parents see us and treat us. It now is informed by other sources. School-aged children’s sense of worth may come from having good grades or being really great athletically or popular or attractive. Now these are all good things, no doubt, but that positive feedback is not derived from yourself. It’s external. That esteem requires achievements or the blessing of being attractive or gifted as an athlete.

But what if you’re an average student with average intelligence and you’re not particularly popular or good-looking and you have tangled feet on the athletic field? Should that dictate that you need to feel poorly about yourself? You see the paradox here around what we call self-esteem? It requires high levels of achievement. Your self-worth in this case doesn’t come from yourself.

So what we call self-esteem, I call other esteem. It comes from outside yourself. As an adult, your self-esteem may be informed by how great your job is, how high is your income, what kind of car do you drive, or how big and expensive is your home, or your relationship success. Again, these achievements are worthy, but they all remain dependent on things external to you. But if you’re a high achiever and on the fast track and you get fired or have a downfall in business, what happens to your self-esteem? Success, compliments, approval, popularity should be seen as the icing on the cake. But when they become the cake unto itself, we have a problem. The cake is hollow. There is no self-worth.

I call this pursuit of feeling good about yourself chasing other esteem. Being approved of or valued or liked by others and succeeding in your aspirations, it’s all great. But we have to be cautious not to betray our own self just to achieve those results. And that’s exactly what so many of us do. Our culture generates countless billions of dollars of revenue from inducing people to seek vanity quick fixes. Social media is all about getting enough likes and follows. All other esteem. Self-esteem should imply that the self-worth, how you feel about yourself, originates from within yourself. But again, that’s often not the case. And the more we pursue other esteem, the more we sabotage our own self-worth.

Why do I say that? Because if we need to be liked or approved of, then we are manipulating ourself, betraying our authentic or genuine self, play acting in a way to get others to see us in a certain way. So our culture as a whole teaches us, it induces us. We learn this so early in life to conceal parts of our genuine self, hide our insecurity, our self-doubts and our vulnerability and mask it from others, which is actually utterly destructive to investing in your own self. So we modify and mold so much of our behavior and our personality to achieve other esteem. This actually causes us to create what I call personality masks. It’s not our genuine self, it’s our pretend self. This leads to a horrific onslaught of low self-worth.

I believe that low self-worth, which curiously is not a diagnosis in the DSM, that low self-worth contributes to anxiety, depression, and is the heart of so much relationship conflict.

I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you a gift to one of the following. The Power of Mind, a live talk that I gave, or one of my digital eBooks, Creating Authentic Self-Esteem, Overcoming Anxiety, or Raising Resilient Children, and lastly, Cultivating Resilient Relationships. Once you have subscribed, please send an email to mel at melschwartz.com and just let me know which gift you’d prefer. Thanks.

Let’s look at the concept of judge. People are afraid of other people judging you. So often people have said to me, I wouldn’t say this or say that, I don’t want to be judged. The truth is others can’t judge you. They can have opinions of you. Everyone has an opinion, but to elevate their opinion to the status of a judgment, now that’s ridiculous. The only person who can arbitrarily judge you is the person that resides in the courthouse.

When we solicit approval from other people, we’re actually rejecting our own self and debasing our own self-esteem by seeking it from others. The expression, I’m concerned about what other people think of me is inaccurate because most often you don’t know what they think of you. So what I will say is, it’s what I think you think of me. Do you ever feel overly concerned about what others think of you? Most often you don’t really know. So instead be honest with yourself and say, it’s what I think they think of me.

Well examine why you think that. Sometimes you may not say something that you want to say because of your fears about others’ opinions. This tendency removes you from your authentic self as you pursue approval or at least try to avoid disapproval. This habit lies at the heart of other esteem and betrays your authenticity. If you see yourself doing this, pause and ask yourself, why am I so invested in what I think others think of me? You were probably taught this debasing habit really early in life. Your parents again may have said something like, think before you speak, which really leads you to subordinate yourself. Be afraid of what others think. So isn’t it crazy that what you think someone else may think of you is more important than what you think of yourself?

Can you see the consequences of subordinating yourself in this way? I’m not proposing that you should be indifferent or uncaring about what others think of you. You can be sensitive and caring, but don’t elevate them to this higher position of authority. It’s like being on a seesaw with that other person. You’re going down to the ground and you’re lifting them above you and setting them up as your judge.

There are so many other cultural influences that impact our self-worth. Look at the TV shows around who’s the biggest loser. The living in the culture that demands competing and winning sets up a narrative for marginalizing our self-worth. It’s as if we’re all contestants on a game show, only certainly most of us will lose. The biggest loser is far more than the TV show. It sets up a fear that we must avoid being seen as a loser and therefore we have to succeed in being a winner. So we fake it. You think of the common sense expression, the world is made up of winners and losers. Well, how do you think that impacts us?

Social media quantifies who the winners are. We call them influencers. People want to be the smartest, wealthiest, most attractive. These goals decimate the self-worth 99.99, go on and on, of us who don’t achieve that status. So people feel depressed and burdened with the belief that they’re not enough. And our beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies. This societal compulsion to achieve, to win, to be popular is antithetical to the core human value of genuine self-worth.

When I work with people who have self-esteem issues, I come across yet another irony. These people who struggle with insecurity and low self-worth often feel like they’re on stage and everyone’s looking at them. Remember, if this applies to you, you’re not the center of attention. It’s your insecurity that’s tricking you to think you’re the center of attention. The other people in your life are not so concerned about who you are. They’re likely focused on their own issues. Free yourself from this fear of judgment that you’re setting up. Again, it’s ironic that you may not feel worthy enough and good enough, but you feel like the center of attention. Just smile to yourself and say, I’m not that important.

Some people identify as I’m a private person. What does that expression really mean? From my experience, this claim to privacy is a cover for low self-worth and suggests a real correlation to other esteem. You see, if you can mask yourself well enough so others don’t really have an opportunity to know you, you feel safe from their opinion of you. This is a retreat into hiding from others and it makes you feel insecure about yourself. You’re projecting your own judgment of self onto them. They aren’t your judge, but if you need to hide yourself from others, you are judging yourself.

The last piece I’m going to share around self-worth is that acting strong is actually weak. Many of us operate from a very damaging common sense belief that we need to act strong and show no weakness. Maybe more true on the margins for men than women, but true for all of us. It’s a terribly wrong-minded theme that contributes to low self-worth. The word acting suggests that you’re hiding something that makes you feel insecure or vulnerable. So if we pretend that your flaw or your insecurity doesn’t exist, you bury it in the hope that someone else may not see it. Now, how do you think that’s going to work out?

Acting strong is the equivalent of armoring yourself in a pretend fashion, like a suit of armor, faking strength. Do you want to clank around through your life wearing a suit of armor? It can get really burdensome. And we’re against setting other people up as our judge. That insecurity remains close when we hide it from exposure. It locks in our insecurity, our sensitivity, or our fear. When you do the opposite and share your vulnerability, two things happen. You’re no longer operating from fear of what others think of you. And once you reveal your self-doubts and insecurities, they lose their grip on you. Bring your fears into the light, bring your shame into the light, and they retreat as your authentic self-esteem emerges.

Think about what your thoughts are telling you. Notice how they are setting other people up as your judge. Pause and think, that’s an old belief that no longer serves me. Free yourself from those limiting beliefs and thoughts.

The dictionary presents two primary definitions for the word vulnerability. The first suggests that by being vulnerable, you’re open to attack or criticism. Well, unless you’re living in a cave, you can assume there’ll be times when you may be verbally or emotionally criticized as part of life. Learning to develop the resilience to navigate those challenging experiences ought to be the goal. That would enable you to feel confident in yourself and how you engage others. By contrast, not allowing yourself to be faulted or criticized means you’re wearing that suit of armor, protecting yourself from being emotionally pierced. That is the essence of fear.

The second definition is that vulnerability is about allowing your weakness and emotions to be seen by others. Our societal common sense message, though, is show no vulnerability. Act strong, armor up. So this messaging really is that you should cover up and protect yourself from criticism. And if you are criticized, show no feelings, act impervious, be strong. So our prevailing life philosophy is hide it, just act strong. Can you appreciate how this approach has ruined us on so many levels?

Vulnerability is a love language and a feeling language. Hiding from vulnerability imprisons us in fear and it cuts off possibilities of growth and well-being. It stunts our growth and it leaves us on the sidelines as the flow of life passes by. This prevailing life philosophy trains us to avoid vulnerability at all costs. And it denies us a core quality of what it is to be human. And it’s rooted in fear. If you hide your feelings and insecurities from others, you’re selling yourself out. This game plan for life cannot work.

The paradox is embracing vulnerability is strong and fearless. It’s an investment in your relationship with yourself and your movement toward authenticity. Duck and hide or reveal. And remember, vulnerability is loving. Acting strong is impervious and doesn’t allow other people really to love you in the way that you probably want to be loved. If you want to be loved, reveal your vulnerability.

Well I hope this provoked some new thinking, considerations for you. Love to hear your comments. Please get in touch with me and let me know. And until next time, be well and I’ll speak to you soon.

Bye for now.

The post #118 Self-Esteem Isn’t What You Think It Is first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In episode 117 of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, let’s talk about another example of uncommon sense: Objectivity doesn’t exist.

Listen to understand why this is, and why, despite often hearing that objectivity is a good thing, true objectivity is impossible.

I also discuss how the alternative helps foster compassion and empathy and paves the path to healthier relationships and an interconnected worldview.

Once you’ve listened, let me know what you think! Be sure to leave a comment!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #117Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Hello everyone. I’m going to be providing you with another principle of uncommon sense. Here’s the headline. There is no such thing as objectivity and that’s really a good thing.

We have an unquestioning belief in objectivity. It’s actually fundamental to our sense of reality and how we engage life. It’s a primary pillar of our belief system and it organizes our beliefs and thinking. And boy, it really screws us up.

The premise of objectivity you see is actually fundamentally flawed once we look at it. We’ve all heard the critical comment, you’re not being objective. Well, your best response interestingly might be, well, of course not. That would be impossible.

Let me give you the background. And before I go into the science, I’ll share an anecdote. Some of you may have heard this before, so bear with me. I was a potential juror in an alleged drunk under the influence case. I was sitting on the witness stand being questioned as that potential juror and the prosecutor asked me, can you be objective? I admit, I couldn’t wait to create some chaos and I replied, absolutely not. The judge was curious. He leaned down toward me and asked, well, what do you mean, Mr. Schwartz? I paused for a moment and asked, judge, do you have beliefs? Well, he smiled and said, of course I do. I then levied the boom.

Judge, beliefs are biases, aren’t they? A belief is a subjective way of looking at things. As humans, we all have values and beliefs and biases and they are of course subjective. That’s the essence of being human.

The judge granted me my philosophical point and then asked, what should we ask the potential juror? I thought about it for a moment and I said, I’d ask the juror if they could be in touch with their bias, try to put it to the side and still feel they could make a fair decision.

Now, to strengthen this point around the myth of objectivity, recall the lessons that I have shared in my book, The Possibility Principle and from previous podcasts. What did the new sciences say about inseparability? They tell us that reality is thoroughly inseparable, not simply interconnected, but inseparable. Well, to be objective requires standing apart from what you’re observing, detached. But if there’s inseparability, we don’t stand apart from anything or anyone. We are thinking, feeling human beings. We are thoroughly interconnected. We are in some fundamental way participating with what we’re looking at.

Quantum physics calls this the observer participant problem. More importantly, on a non-scientific basis, this belief in our ability to be objective makes no sense. It would require an amnesia of any personal values and beliefs that make us who we are. I mean, we should all agree that the Holocaust happened and the Twin Towers came down, but human perceptions are subjectively informed. We are humans, not robots and not computers.

So what’s the big deal? You might wonder about this point I’m making. This is not simply a philosophical or scientific point. I’m going to be demonstrating how our belief in this false and unattainable myth of objectivity creates havoc in our relationships with ourselves and others. And objectivity is the heart of communication breakdown because it eviscerates compassion, feeling, and empathy. This illusion of objectivity lies at the heart of our relationship dysfunction and disharmony. And furthermore, the construct of objectivity has its roots in this illusion of separation.

Once again, as I’ve shared before, this comes to us from 17th century Newtonian thinking. That thinking was that reality was a giant machine and all the parts were separate from all the other parts, only connected by causality. And we became the cogs in that machine.

So, I’ll prompt you with a question. Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?

Sometimes I’m working with couples mired in debate and argument, and I myself have gone there and I find myself asking others or myself, would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? When I ask this question of other people, they will give me a well-considered answer, I’d rather be happy. But in a moment or two, they default right back to right versus wrong. This argument is rooted in the objective belief that one is right and one is wrong. Remember that’s either or thinking, we’ve talked about that before, if I’m right, you must be wrong. And it’s so natural for us to mindlessly descend into this debate.

Well, how’s that going to work out? If I need to be right, then you must be wrong. Now that doesn’t sound like a formula for harmony, or good feelings, or relationship health, does it? What causes us to default into this morass? My guess is it has much to do with our belief in objectivity, from which there is a right and a wrong. Now, of course, there are times when those verdicts make sense, but most often we’re communicating about facts rather than perceptions or feelings. We’re arguing about the truth rather than feelings.

Facts belong in the courtroom. Feelings are the basis of relationship. Facts don’t change opinions or move our hearts. Feelings do. Instead of arguing who said what, to whom, and when, what the exact words were, what day that happened, just release the litigation. Share how you feel. Feelings are the heartbeat of a relationship. And what we call facts may inform our feelings, but we need to express the feeling. When you find yourself mired in that mind-numbing back-and-forth argument, let go of the debate. Pause and ask the other person, do you care how I feel? Unless you’re on a debate team or you’re a party in a court proceeding, facts don’t matter, feelings do.

We may say I love you, but what does that really mean? Does it make sense to propose that you love someone and yet disregard their troubled feelings? If you say you love me, you should care how I feel. Let go of the objective argument and the extraneous facts and speak to your feelings. This moves you both to the heart of the matter, pun intended. Feelings aren’t subject to the right or wrong judgment and free us to express our deeper being. So try releasing the debate, the ping pong match that goes nowhere and just ask, do you care how I feel? And if the answer is yes, but bring it back to the feelings, don’t allow yourself to be distracted.

Have you ever been told your feelings aren’t rational? This is a case of leaning in. Once again, don’t defend your territory, lean in. Your response could be, of course my feelings aren’t rational. I didn’t know that feelings should be subjected to logic. You know, you can reflect on your feelings, you can appreciate what provoked them, you can reconsider your feelings, but feelings aren’t right or wrong, they simply surface. When you say I feel this and that, you’re speaking the language of emotions, not the words of objective rational logic.

Many years ago, half a lifetime ago, I find myself in a bedtime disagreement with my former wife. I’d say, it’s hot in here, I’m going to turn down the thermostat. Her response might sound like, no, it’s not hot, it’s cold. Well, I came to appreciate that making objective statements were getting me nowhere. So I learned to say I feel hot. That wasn’t arguable. It might not solve the problem over the thermostat, but at least a senseless argument was avoided. Feelings are usually catalyzed by a thought that precedes the feeling.

So you might ask yourself, what thought are you attached to? What thought surfaced that resulted in the feeling you’re experiencing? Now when you employ this exercise, you’re able to release the feeling if it’s sidetracking you by simply saying to yourself, well, that was just a thought. The takeaway here, objectivity has no real significant place in human relationships or in human communication. It blocks us, it intrudes on our well-being, it gets in the way of our being cared about and caring for others.

It’s so easy to invalidate each other and be unfeeling when we’re arguing about objectivity, which again, doesn’t exist. It’s all a matter of perception. So try to let go of this false mythology about objectivity. It puts us in a straitjacket of logic.

I’ll close with a quote. It’s not exact, it comes from my memory, from Thomas Jefferson. He said, or he wrote, I never heard of a circumstance in which an argument was settled by the addition of more facts. Now ain’t that the truth, unless you’re in the courtroom.

Well, hope this was provocative for you, gave you some new perceptions. I look forward to talking to you again soon, next week in fact. Until then, be well and come into your participatory subjective mindset. Bye for now.

The post #117 The Myth of Objectivity first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 116 of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz continues my exploration of the themes and principles of my next book, Uncommon Sense: How to Live a Fearless Life.

Often, we’re inclined to think our lives are difficult because that’s just what it means to be human. This perhaps fatalistic assumption is rooted in the fact that we’ve accepted certain assumptions, a certain philosophy we’ve received from our parents, our peers, our educational system…

…but what if that’s not the only choice?

What if we rejected so-called “common” sense and opted for a worldview that lifts us up rather than brings us down? An “uncommon sense” that emphasizes our limitless potential and doesn’t encourage adherence to the status quo?

Listen to this episode and discover how to depersonalize our struggles and harness life-affirming uncommon sense.

Once you’ve listened, let me know what you think! Be sure to leave a comment!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #116Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Hello everyone. Last week, I shared with you some initial thoughts and a bit of a preface to my new work, a forthcoming book, still way down the road. It’s called Uncommon Sense. As promised, I’m going to now move a little more deeply into the premise of Uncommon Sense. So let’s begin.

Do you ever feel like life is really challenging? More importantly, do you ever wonder why it’s so challenging? You know, if you haven’t, if you haven’t thought that and felt that, you’re pretty much in the minority. So I want you to depersonalize your struggles. And in fact, you can ponder a different question.

Do you think your challenges, your struggles, do you think they’re simply human nature? Is life just intrinsically so difficult? There’s something else at play. I’ve come to believe, strongly believe it’s the latter. Life shouldn’t be so intrinsically difficult. I think the reason we have these challenges is we’ve been playing from an incoherent, insane game plan for life. You know what we call common sense, our underlying philosophy for how we do life, this lies at the heart of our struggles and it derails our ability to really thrive. To truly reach our human potential, what should be our human nature, we’ve got to operate from a life philosophy that supports us, not derails us. Most people ascribe to and follow the guidelines of what we call common sense without giving it any thought at all.

But what if common sense turned out to be misinformed, even nonsensical? I’m not talking about expressions like look both ways before you cross the street, but the larger operating rules of life that guide us and shape how we live, what we believe, what we think, how we interact and how we communicate. We pay so little attention to these large meta beliefs that script our lives, but they have an unimaginable impact on us. I’m speaking about commonly accepted beliefs like be careful not to make a mistake or change his heart, don’t show weakness or always do your best. These beliefs demonstrate the explicit operating rule book for how we engage life. And I believe that following the path of these unexamined common sense beliefs lies at the heart of our struggle with happiness, self-worth, results in fear, relationship conflict, and so much more.

If we follow these unwritten tenets, the golden rule book of life, you’d suppose that life should be going reasonably well. But is it? We tend to fall short or very far short, don’t we? With few exceptions, we struggle with unrelenting challenges, anxiety, depression, conflicted relationship, doubt, insecurities, anger, frustration, and existential struggle. All of that besets most of us. When your personal experiences don’t match up with your hopes and expectations, you think we should go back to the proverbial drawing board and rethink our game plan, but we don’t. Instead, we personalize our disappointments and upsets, and we think there’s something wrong with us. Or we continue to walk into the same wall, feeling frustrated, sometimes depressed. From this experience, we wrongly conclude that change is hard, but we rarely ask the questions about these guidelines which make us indentured servants.

So who wrote this rule book of commonly accepted wisdom that we blindly accept? Silly question, rhetorical question. I can’t answer it, neither can you. These beliefs and adages are just ingrained memes from unknown sources. You know when someone says, everyone knows you should say this or do that, or somebody says, they say, dot, dot, dot. Those are examples of unexamined common sense about how you ought to conduct your life. But do you ever ask yourself, who are they? Our culture at large, our parents, our families, our friends, all echo similar messages. What we refer to as common sense may be nothing more than believing what we’ve always believed and doing what we always do.

Common sense themes become indomitable. We cling to them fervently, and that’s why we get stuck. We conform to the very system that fails us. And this creates a program conformity, a consensual reality. This absence of self-reliance, which you’ve heard me speak about a lot, it blocks us from our authentic, resilient well-being. Sometimes people ask, what’s the right thing to do? They struggle making challenging decisions. In these cases, we surrender to what we think the anonymous, monolithic opinion of other people on what they would do. Defaulting to what we think they would suggest we should do means we haven’t developed our own inner wisdom.

And why would we assume that these others, they, are any wiser than we are? Or that there is a universal right thing to do or say? Reality snuffs out developing self-reliance.

Now here’s the key. In science, in business, and elsewhere in life, we test our theories and we evaluate the outcomes. And the results should either affirm or disprove our operating assumption. That’s how knowledge progresses. We discard what doesn’t work, and we invite in new thinking and add new methods. This enables businesses to increase profits, technology to advance, medical knowledge evolves, athletes improve their performance, and science surges forward. That type of progress requires critical thinking.

Now the way that I’m applying this term critical thinking simply refers to your capacity to look at your beliefs and actions and ask, how did I come to this belief? Why do I think this belief or action is sensible? How’s it working out for me? Why am I doing this and not that? Ask yourself, have you reflected on those questions? And if you shrug your shoulders and say, I never thought about it, there’s no critical thinking. And that is a common denominator in most of our lives. It’s kind of like a blind apathy that leads us to stumble from today into all of our tomorrows. And so life goes by.

Critical thinking requires contrasting our beliefs with our lived experiences. Think about how you think you want to live your life and how you are living your life.

When the evidence and your beliefs are at odds, we have to embrace the dissonance and shift our beliefs. Beliefs are simply biases and they shape our thoughts, our feelings, and our life experiences. At times, our beliefs are simply a dulled, unthinking mirror of our early life experiences. But on a deeper level, our beliefs and our common sense are informed by a prevalent philosophy. When I speak of philosophy, I’m referring to the underlying belief system that holds sway over our truths. And picture the word truths in quotes. It’s subjective, not objective. Much of the Western world is influenced by a philosophy of competing, winning, consuming, and a toxic individualism. And these themes strangle us with fear. And that in turn shapes and directs our common sense beliefs. Fear is a pervasive and dominating force in our existing common sense life philosophy. And a life that is predicated on fear cannot work out well. Fear precludes love, joy, and happiness. Now certain aspects of our lives like health, longevity, material comfort, financial security may be improving. But our happiness, fulfillment, and gratification, they tend to lag. Our personal intimate experience of life hasn’t kept pace with the remarkable advances we’ve made in our material and technological world.

If we applied the same scrutiny to our blueprint for life as we do these other matters, we’d really be evolving to a greater wisdom instead of floundering. Here’s an example of what I’m speaking about. What often begins as romantic relationships, they tend to devolve toward conflict or at least disappointment over time. We don’t question the unwritten rules of relationship that disrupt our harmony. We fall in love, maybe get married or partner, exchange vows, but only a small minority of relationships thrive for very long. The fact that half of marriages end in divorce, that is not the problem. The real issue is in intact marriages or committed relationships become discontent over time. Only a small percentage of committed relationships endure happily. That is a staggering rate of failure. If marriage were a corporation, it would be bankrupt. But when a business falls for bankruptcy, it needs to reorganize and develop a new business plan if it hopes to secure a second chance.

But do we stop and consider what needs to change for our relationships to thrive? Unfortunately the common sense path that guides us in relationship fails us way too often. We then wrongly conclude that relationships are hard and they are. If we go after them without insight or awareness, don’t you think it’s time to rethink our relationship and our communication rule book?

Here’s another example. According to the CDC, your likelihood of suffering with a mental illness at some point in your life is about 50%. That’s a staggering and bizarre rate of failure. Do you think it has something to do with living life from an incoherent, fearful and unsustainable way rather than your own personal dysfunction? But we have ignored ourselves to thinking of these dysfunctions as normal. If these emotional and psychological disorders are so prevalent and we acclimate to it, what does this suggest about how we’re living? Anxiety and depression don’t come to us as an infectious disease. We don’t catch them as we did COVID. This should be an alarm that signals that we are not living sensibly. You know, if a recipe results in a distasteful meal, you wouldn’t repeat the same recipe. Well, we need a new recipe for living.

Something appears terribly misguided in our plan for life when all of this disorder is our outcome. This should be screaming for our attention. Think about this. Do you feel genuinely happy, fulfilled and joyful? Do you feel sufficiently confident and self-assured? Or do you struggle with some aspect of self-esteem? Low self-esteem, as you’ve heard me say before, very curiously, is not a DSM diagnosis, but it underlies deeper emotional, psychological and relationship challenges. I will be sharing with you how common sense ironically contributes to low self-worth. Hear that again. Our common sense rule book contributes to low self-worth.

The expression, how’s that working out? When applied to this application of common sense, should cause us to stop and rethink how we are engaging life. So what would I propose as some solutions? Well, imagine if our educational curricula focused not only on academics, but on emotional intelligence and relationship skills, on how to develop authentic self-esteem and master your communication skills and how to ride the waves of change. What if you learn not to medicate or manage emotional and psychological troubles, but to actually transcend them? If we only appreciated the hard skills we learn in school or after math, reading, science, they are not more, but perhaps ironically less critical than learning human-based competencies. We only address our inadequacies when we derail.

But our education and our upbringing never provided the rails to begin with. So of course we derail. But what we need is this shift of mind so we can experience our lives differently. And we were never taught these valuable life enhancing skills and so we may stumble through life illiterate on what’s required to truly prosper. Again, you may have succeeded in educational, financial, material aspirations, but I bet you struggled to thrive in some actual experience of life. Success in and of itself does not ensure harmony or wisdom. In fact, there are times when there may be an inverse correlation.

Okay, so I’ve looked at all of these common sense strategies and I have found many of them to be utterly ridiculous. Not only do they not work for the most part, they actually wreak damage. We need a new philosophy for living, a new guidebook that opens our minds and our hearts to love and compassion, to authentic self-worth, and to thriving relationships. Now the word that summarizes this goal, the important ingredient, is authenticity.

Ask yourself, do you personally know anyone that you’d say is truly authentic? Authenticity is a rare commodity. It means that you wear no masks. You’re not worried about what other people think of you, but you remain caring and sensitive at the same time. And authenticity can only flourish in the absence of fear. But fear permeates the fiber of our lives. And fear seems to be the common underpinning of our existence. You know, we’re urged to be present and live in the moment, be in flow. But common sense rules tell you to do the opposite. Those rules are be wary of making a change, be afraid of making a mistake, worry about what others think of you. You see the wall you walk into there? Common sense counterintuitively freezes us in fear. And fear is the primary component of common sense.

So that is what has prompted me to write this book, which I’m just beginning, which I’m calling Uncommon Sense. Uncommon sense requires stripping off many of our personal operating beliefs. These new beliefs become the foundation for love, connection, meaning and purpose. Again, how did I come to write this book or to speak on these matters? Well, as you may know by now, I question things. I look at deeply accepted beliefs, actions, behaviors, and I ask, why do we think and believe and act the way we do? And from that perspective, I’ve been fortunate to view life from a different perch, a different angle, which has allowed me to source some insights.

I’m going to be introducing a fundamental rethinking of our operating beliefs and introducing what I call an emerging worldview, a new philosophy for living. This new way of contemplating reality invites us into innovative critical thinking, a gateway for better living. This is what I referred to earlier as the adaptive process of critical thinking that we apply to technology, science, business. Now we’ll apply that critical thinking to the underlying principles of how we do life. These new principles that I’ll be sharing with you offer an urgently needed rethinking of reality, universal reality and personal reality.

In coming weeks, I will be introducing some of the principles of Uncommon Sense. I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. I hope it gave you cause for reflection, contemplation, and an opening to the embracing of uncertainty and asking what if in the positive way, full of wonder, not of fear. Until next time, be well. Bye for now.

The post #116 The Gift of Uncommon Sense first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Welcome to episode 115 of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz! This time around, I look forward with you to the subject and topics to come in my next book, Uncommon Sense: How to Live a Fearless Life.

To understand the book to come, it’s important to review how I came to the wisdom I’ll present in Uncommon Sense. Let’s travel back to before my last book, The Possibility Principle, and before my first book, The Art of Intimacy, The Pleasure of Passion… back before I had even considered becoming a psychotherapist!

What inspired me to leap off the conveyor belt of life and change my own script?

Listen, and discover the key piece of advice I gave myself that helped me eventually embrace uncertainty and find my calling.

Let me know what you think! Be sure to leave a comment!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #115Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Hello everyone. I’ve been working on an upcoming book for some time and I thought it would be good to share with you some of my initial thoughts and drafts about what’s coming your way down the road. The title for the book at this moment is Uncommon Sense, How to Live a Fearless Life.

So here are my thoughts.

As a psychotherapist, there are times when people might ask me, where were you trained? You know, I can be provocative, even a wise guy, and I might say, I wasn’t trained. I like to keep my mind as open as possible. You see, for me, the word training is suggesting narrowing of my mind and my thoughts. So you think and see from a very focused singular perspective, like the small end of a funnel or tunnel vision.

Think as you’ve been trained to think. Boy, I hate that.

I’ve resisted this doctrination professionally and personally, and I think we’d all be better to do so, to resist the training of our thinking. I can remember instinctively resisting, corralling my beliefs and thoughts into that never nding funnel of consensual reality making. Keeping my mind open, for me, feels like freedom. The freedom to navigate my own path, to come out of consensual reality, not playing by the rules, the mandated rules of the rules of engagement. You know, when we mindlessly conform to a singular way of thinking and communicating and relating, it feels dehumanizing to me, robotic and mindless, but that’s where we go. That’s how culture corrals us into everybody thinking and acting the same way.

So from this vantage point, many questions arise for me. I’ve asked myself, why do we struggle so terribly in reaching and sustaining happiness? And why do anxiety, depression, distress, and fear, why do they all dominate our lives? Why do our relationships become a source of conflict and pain rather than joy and love? Why do we do battle with self-worth, meaning, and purpose? Why is there such a gap between what we say we value and how we end up living our life?

I look for the larger influences that have derailed the heart and soul of our human experience. And so I’m simply asking, why? The belief that I’ve come to is that it’s the operating rule book for life that we follow. Without any consideration or awareness of it, it fails us. I’m referring to the deeper, invisible forces that script how we live. We’ve become indentured servants to a template that we’re unaware of that tells us how to think, how to live, and how to love, and it misguides us. This unwritten but pervasive philosophy for living, it riddles us with fear. In this fear, obviously, it decimates our lives.

Here’s the lead up to my thinking. I’ll share a bit of personal biography, and many of you may be familiar with this, but for those of you who aren’t, it’s important to hear it. I had a life-altering, defining moment when I was about 40 years old. My identity was really shaped during my college years in the early 70s. I found great calling and passion as an anti-war activist, and the excitement of participating in this emerging counterculture, man, was it exciting.

And what an identity. I believed that we could change the world, and I was playing a part in this adventure, and I was having the time of my life. I even managed to delay graduating college for as long as I could so I wouldn’t disrupt this fun, wondrous time. Thankfully, tuition was really nominal at that time, so I thought another semester or two wouldn’t be too onerous on my parents, or at least I rationalized that. I will confess that I stretched out my indulgences by taking several incompletes so I could extend college. But you know, as George Harrison sang, all things must pass, and it reached the point where I had to pay the piper, and I couldn’t stay in school any longer. But I hadn’t given any thought to what my next step would be. So I applied to law school, more from default than from intention.

I was admitted, but within a month or so, it became evident to me that the law was not my calling, and I withdrew. Now the question was, what was I going to do with my life? I didn’t have any clear path forward. I reluctantly accepted my father’s offer to join him in this business. I was grateful for his generosity, but I didn’t feel inspired. My father was a clothing manufacturer, something I had no interest in. But with sadness, I cut my long hair. I transitioned into a suit, a job, and life in New York City. I had stepped onto the conveyor belt that we call life.

But when I did, I made myself a promise. Every so often, I would jump off the conveyor belt and ask myself, how’s it going? I’d remind myself to think about whether I needed to make any adjustments. I had an image of a piece of luggage on the conveyor belt at the airport going around and around ad nauseum until someone retrieved the baggage. I was fearful that my conveyor metaphor might resemble my future life. My fear simply was I’d make a few major decisions, blink my eyes a few times, and half a lifetime would pass. I dreaded becoming a character in this life script without an opportunity to edit or rethink my life. This turned out to be a really fruitful promise for me.

As the years went by, I acclimated to this new identity, and I progressed in learning the craft of apparel manufacturing. I eventually started my own business, doing well enough financially, but not really aware that something vitally important was missing. I spent the coming years following the path toward what I thought success and happiness would look like.

At 40, I was married with two young children, living the life I was supposed to be, at least I thought so. I vividly recall the moment in which my change process ignited.

I was driving from my office in Manhattan to my home in Aranoth in Westchester County. During that car ride, I had been reflecting on my life, and in particular, my passionless career. In one singular moment, with one new thought, a seismic wave overcame me. Everything shifted, and my insight crystallized into this single thought. Is that all there is? Am I going to spend my life making clothing? I came to see myself as the character in that script that I fearfully presaged many years earlier. I was well along on that conveyor belt’s ride of life.

My earlier vision of living my best life was one that was bubbling with meaning. It was now feeling corrupted by simply making a good living. Creating and producing clothing was falling way short of my ideal of living a life with purpose. My business, although providing me with a really generous income and a great home and lifestyle, it still left me feeling shallow and uninspired. I was longing for the deeper values that I felt in those earlier years. I felt revolted by the idea of just surrendering to a purposeless life, one that provided financial reward but left me feeling empty and vacuous.

This dispirited feeling really evaporated in a few moments, and it was transformed by the time I reached my house. I felt this stirring proclamation beginning to percolate within me. As I entered my house, I said to my future former wife, I know that’s a funny term, my future former wife, I said, sit down, we need to talk. She probably thought I was going to share some divorce news, but that wasn’t yet on the horizon. I said, I had an epiphany during the drive home. I realized I need to find a new career path, something that can inspire me with more meaning and purpose. She looked at me like I was from the moon. She asked me what I was planning. I told her I had no idea.

I didn’t feel worried, but I felt really alive. I spent the night sleepless.
My mind pulsing with excitement. Everything seemed possible. But now, how could I envision a new career direction? As I was ruminating, I recalled the question a friend had asked me some years earlier. He had said to me, he asked me, what do you like to do? What makes you feel good? My answer, which was out of the blue, was, I really love to help people think differently, to have insights. So I thought, what could that look like? How could that help me inform my decision about my next career path? Well, by the time morning arrived, I had my answer. I applied to graduate school to pursue a career as a psychotherapist.

I thought this profession might align me with that deeper calling. Maybe I could write books, give talks, podcasts weren’t invented yet, and whatever else came my way. Bear in mind, I had very little familiarity with the field of psychotherapy, but the idea was romantic and it was pulling me. A deep intuitive knowing that this might be my passionate path, it began to resonate with me.

Still, I had significant concerns. How would this new direction impact my family’s lifestyle? I could anticipate earning far, far less income, at least for quite some time, maybe forever. Were we prepared for this downshift economically? Would we have to sell the house? Could we even live in the same town? Was this fair to my children and to my wife? And more fundamentally, would I be able to earn enough to financially support them? Friends and family surely would have urged me caution, be cautious, slow down, think more deeply about this. If only I had chosen to consult with them. But perhaps that’s the very reason I chose not to share.

Was my decision impetuous? Well, rational common sense would have me analyze the downside and weigh my risks. This led to a breakthrough in my thinking. Let’s call it new thinking. Words like be reasonable, be prudent, be sensible, they were all over my mental radar. People in my circumstances encumbered with such financial responsibilities didn’t just make such radical changes unless you’re in the midlife crisis. But I was seeing this as a midlife opportunity, not a crisis. You see, not making this transition might assault my well-being at a slow but irreversible pace. I might end up falling into depression. My internal monologue was clash of opposing thoughts. Why I can’t versus why can’t I? I began to see myself dueling with the conformity of normal behavior, which would have me focus on the negative consequences that might occur. Those thoughts grappled with uncertainty and would fire up fear.

Instinctively, I knew that I did not want to surrender to this fear. That in turn ushered in a new way of thinking for me. I welcomed in the dissonance I experienced. I felt this surging desire to break free from the grip of limiting and fearful beliefs and thoughts. So instead of simply focusing on my fears, on the negative consequences that might happen, my revelation was, why not consider the consequences of not making a change?

Wow did that open new thinking. We worry about what will happen if I do this, what will happen if I say this. Do we ever think about what happens if we don’t do this or say this? I realized that this new way of thinking for me was very atypical. But I felt convinced that we only look at one side of the coin. What will happen if I do something? The other side, what will happen if I don’t? Something started to shift within me and I began to just strip away traditional ways of thinking and invite in what I now call uncommon sense. I was embracing uncertainty to supercharge my change process and I was choosing not to live in fear. I took the leap and here we are.

In my next episode, next week, I’ll be providing you with some of the basic principles of uncommon sense.

I hope you enjoyed this episode. Please send me emails, leave comments, let me know what you’re thinking, what you’d like to hear, what you’re enjoying and what you’re not. And until next time, I wish you uncommon sense. Bye for now.

The post #115 Being True to Yourself first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

The Possibility Principle: How Quantum Physics Can Improve the Way You Think, Live, and Love

View Details

In this re-issue of the second episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz you may have missed when it was first released almost five years ago, I explore the nature of romantic love: how it begins and why it tends to wither, and what it takes to make it work over time.

After an introductory discussion, I speak with two clients regarding emotional reactivity and why we shouldn’t put our best foot forward in the early stages of relationship. Together with my guests, we examine the nature of authenticity, which is essential for resilient relationships.

Let me know what you think! Be sure to leave a comment!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #114Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

MEL: A couple of weeks ago, I went to a family wedding. It was the children of one of my cousins, beautiful couple in their late twenties. They were all full of love, flush with excitement. I was paying close attention when they were exchanging their marriage vows. They pledged each other everlasting love, honoring and respect to each other. And I thought to myself, it was so hopeful. They were so inspired. But another voice was going off inside of me.

MEL: It made me think, do they know how terribly stacked the odds are against them? Do they understand the likelihood that in a number of years or certainly a number of decades, they’ll no longer be feeling in love? In all probability, they may say they love each other, but they have fallen out of love.

MEL: I’ve learned that love isn’t all you need. It’s not like the Beatles song: “love is all you need.” We need very much more to sustain love. Let’s take a look at that. The fact that half of marriages end in divorce isn’t really the major issue. The larger concern is that the majority of intact marriages fall very far from being joyful, resilient, happy. So if only a small percentage of marriages or committed relationships actually thrive, what does that tell us about how we are engaging in the art of relationship in our love life? If we play by the same rules that disappoint us and create such failure, we’re doomed to have the same outcome.

MEL: Getting back to that couple, on occasion, I have had couples who were engaged come in for some premarital counseling and there are no issues in their relationship that are apparent. They’ve come to me out of the wisdom that they want to learn the tools, the techniques, the method, a new game plan, if you will, for being able to sustain passion and emotional and verbal intimacy. They’re looking to get the education that others don’t have. When my children were in high school, they had something called seminar day for certain parents who were invited to come in and give a talk. On the day that I came in, my kids were so embarrassed that they made sure they were nowhere within sight, but they shared the fact that we need to be educated in the foundations of what creates a thriving life and thriving relationships. And that information is available to us, but it would be so much better if we tried to access that information, those insights, those skills in advance of running into trouble. So let’s take a look at this concept of love.

MEL: Firstly, what do we mean by the word love? Love has many nuances, lots of context. I believe that the Greek language, they have perhaps 21 different words for love. In today’s episode, we’re going to be focusing on romantic love. The kind of love where two people are resonating, there’s a shared energy with one another.

MEL: Let’s take a look at the phenomenon of falling in love. The experience of falling in love is truly a thing of marvel. Time seems altered and our senses become very alive. You may experience each moment as having meaning and intent. It’s a peak moment in life. But sadly, over time, we tend to fall out of love, possibly as easily as we fell in love. We may say that we still love each other, but we’re not in love. This happens often in my work as a couple’s counselor. Let’s explore why this happens and what this phenomenon is that we call love.

MEL: The notion of falling in love is one of the most dominant, powerful themes in our lives. It sells movies and books, fashions and cosmetics. It drives the gross national product and it’s a central theme in our fantasies. Along with achieving material wealth, love is the primary driving force in our lives, but it’s poorly understood. The euphoria felt by falling in love is actually a profound merging of energies. In quantum physics, this is known as entanglement. Entanglement is a sense of oneness where separation dissolves and falls apart. I’m not talking about an unhealthy co-dependence, but it’s in that entanglement, that oneness, that empathy and compassion become stimulated, where our driving energy is to care for, intend and nurture the other. That’s what falling in love feels like.

MEL: All animate beings are energy fields manifesting in physical form, so simple physical attraction to one another predicated on lust is not the same as love. Falling in love requires that our energies coalesce with each other. When this occurs, our energy field literally resonates with our partner’s energy field. It’s like striking a tuning fork and seeing both ends vibrate in perfect harmony. It’s like being in concert. Think about listening to an orchestra performing. The musicians are in concert with each other. Their individualism is still there, their unique talents, but there’s a synergy. That’s what being in love feels like. The shared energy manifests in the partnering feels deeply committed. Any disturbance or disruption to that harmonized energy causes us to feel we’re not in love. When our energies become blocked by any host of impediments, we no longer feel in love. So our energy field has gotten disrupted.

MEL: What are the things that get in the way and impede that loving energy? Sometimes it’s simply due to hurt feelings, resentment or anger. Without having authentic communication skills to permit these issues to be resolved, the energy system of the relationship is at risk. It withers. Many people believe that it’s natural to fall out of love. I don’t think it’s natural. You see, we shouldn’t confuse natural with commonplace. Regrettably, it’s altogether common, but it’s not natural. The problem is that we are illiterate in this field, relationship and love. Falling in love and sustaining it requires maintaining the sense of oneness. And this is a skill set that can be learned.

MEL: You know, in the turmoil we experience when the relationship becomes adversarial and conflicted, we need to acknowledge or change something to shift that negative energy, which has fallen into a sense of separation, back toward the entangled oneness. Making that shift may mean changing our beliefs, perceptions, or our behaviors, or all of them. You might ask yourself, what is my partner seeing in me that I don’t see in myself? That self-reflection is a great technique to employ. If you set out with the intention to re-enter that harmonized energy field, the initial romantic entanglement, you can selflessly get into the other’s shoes. That’s empathy.

MEL: Try the exercise of empathy. What does my partner, what does my spouse feel like in this moment? Doing this doesn’t mean you’re abandoning your position. It simply means loving and validating your partner. You know, it’s very easy to say I love you, but it’s challenging to act lovingly. To act lovingly means that if you’re feeling denigrated or nullified or put down or ignored, you’ll still be able to advocate and care for the other in a loving way. If I try to appreciate and care about my upset partner’s point of view, I’m creating a shift of energy. Acting empathically with your partner is the most powerful thing you can do in such troubled moments.

MEL: One of the things that gets in the way in sustaining loving relationships is the tendency to take each other for granted. What began as an earnest connection where we were amplifying the importance and tuning into each other, over time tends to retreat into this individualism. This is where passion dies. Passion doesn’t have to die. It’s just that our intentions get distracted.

MEL: Too much individualism is at the core of relationship trouble. Excessive individualism, the breakdown in communication for right versus wrong is a mindless exercise and a mindless encounter. And it severs that loving energy that I was speaking about.

MEL: Let’s talk a little bit about communication. I wrote an article many, many years ago called, “Would You Rather Be Right or Would You Rather Be Happy?” Well, so often in my relationship counseling, I find the breakdown over right versus wrong. Couples will argue over the most inane points and correct each other in the need to be right. Try to ask yourself at any moment as you’re about to interrupt the other person and correct them. Does this really matter? Now, sometimes it may vary well, but most often if you’re being reflective and you’re mindful and present, it doesn’t. Right versus wrong thinking precludes validation. If your partner says to you or your spouse says to you, I’m really feeling hurt. You hurt me. You put me down. You made me feel worthless. You should never respond by refuting what they’ve said and trying to prove your point. That is invalidating the other person. What we need to do in a moment like that is get out of our own way and act lovingly, which means caring about how they feel.

MEL: Now, validating isn’t simply mirroring the words back that you just heard. It’s a deeper trying to connect with empathy and get into the other shoes and ask questions to experience how did they experience you.

MEL: Another premise to what gets in the way of sustaining loving and romantic relationships is that if two individuals don’t each commit to their own individual growth, we’re left kind of like two halves comprising a whole. You know that expression, my other half, sometimes that can be taken quite literally. But if two people only feel like a half, it’s going to set up dependency needs, frustrations, fears. When I work with a couple whereby both people are committed to their own individual growth, there’s a much greater likelihood of a positive outcome.

MEL: There are ways to break the cycle of negativity in relationships. One of them is a positive feedback. When I work with couples, I often see both persons individually as well. And in an individual session, the person may say something favorable or positive about their partner who’s not in the room at the moment. There has never been an occasion when I have asked, did you share that with your husband, with your wife, with your boyfriend or girlfriend, that the answer has ever been, yes, I did. This is astounding to me. You have something positive to say and you withhold it. But the critical is right out there in the open. The spout is wide open and we share the critical and we withhold the positive. How do you think that impacts sustaining a romantic and intimate relationship?

MEL: Now it is possible to fall in love, fall out of love, come back in love. Sometimes couples will ask me, is it possible for us to fall in love? My question will be, did you ever feel in love? If you did, that energy was there and you resonated, then there is a possibility we can get back that harmony, that relationship. What we need is a game plan for sustaining emotionally and verbally intimate relationships for sustaining romance. My first book, The Art of Intimacy, The Pleasure of Passion was intended as a primer for what we need to develop toward the foundation of an enjoyable and thriving relationship, creating a shared vision about what we want in our lives to look like. My new book, The Possibility Principle, goes very deeply into the techniques that we can develop and employ in our communications.

MEL: This is all about new learning. It’s developing a new game plan for our life. Just recall that love isn’t all you need. We need to learn how to sustain it. This is achievable and it can be the icing on the cake of your life. It’s going to require some thoughtfulness and some new learning, but it’s readily available to you.

MEL: The topic of this show, as you know, is love isn’t all you need. Please tell us about yourself and what question you might have.

MATT: Well, okay, so I have been married once before many years ago when I was about 21, 22 years old and I was married for about 10 years and ended up getting divorced. I have an 18 year old boy and he’s doing great. He’s in college. I had some relationships, probably two long-term relationships after that divorce. And by the way, that divorce happened probably about 15 years ago at this point. So I was single for a while. And just in October of 2017, I got married again to a wonderful woman.

MEL: Wow. Congratulations. What’s her name?

MATT: Her name is Christina.

MEL: Great. Well, congratulations to both of you.

MATT: Thank you very much. Thank you. And she’s pretty much what I’ve been looking for. I mean, she’s wonderful. She’s beautiful. Now, I have had many times throughout our relationship, we’ve been together for a couple of years now, where I have felt inadequate as a partner, very frustrated because I feel like my ego gets in the way. I feel like I understand a lot of principles of how to communicate based on some previous lessons in teaching and mentoring and therapy, but yet I still run into these issues where I lose my… Anything that reminds me of conflicts that I had in my previous relationship prior to this new marriage, namely things that come up regarding my son, strike a chord with me that it’s really… I lose my patience and I can’t have the kind of dialogue and conversation that I know I should have because I feel like it’s the same old story all over again.

MEL: Well, here’s the good news, Matt. You’re halfway there. You’re on second base because you are aware of what you’re feeling. You’re aware of your reaction. So what I propose you do is when you notice your reaction, the key to communication or one of the keys is to notice your reaction and don’t become your reaction. So when you notice that your trigger point is being pushed, pause, take a deep breath and engage her. Engage Christina by saying to her, look, this probably isn’t about you. I’m feeling reactive and this is not about you. It’s my button, capital M, capital Y. But I need to tell you how I’m feeling and what’s coming up for me. When you communicate in that way, Matt, you open up the dialogue and you open up to a coherent communication where there’s no right or wrong or blame. I’m feeling this. You see, when we’re feeling something, we have to identify the feeling and communicate it. These feelings are not right or wrong. They just are. What we’re seeking from our partners is a sense of validating our feelings. That doesn’t mean I agree with you, Matt. Your feeling about me is correct. It means I appreciate that this has triggered a memory for you. So can you see yourself being able to do that? Being able to say to her, this is not about you. It’s old history for me. This is what’s coming up.

MATT: Right. I can say that. And this is where I run into trouble. I understand what you’re saying and I believe I can do that. The trouble that I have is twofold. One is, there’s something, even if I can see my thoughts and not necessarily be my thoughts, it’s a real struggle for me because you could hear it in the tone of my voice. The words might be the right words, but still, the energy and the tone behind my voice is one of frustration, fear, agitation, anger, frustration mainly. And that’s one of the things that gets me into trouble is just the tone of my voice. So I guess I’m really not successfully being, I mean, seeing my thoughts. I must be coming up because…

MEL: Okay, you’re quite right. You’re becoming your thought. Moreover, you’re becoming your feeling. Now it only takes about two or three seconds to take a couple of deep breaths. When you take two or three deep breaths, you quiet everything down. Everything starts to slow down. Your pulse isn’t as quick. Your heartbeat is not as rapid. So the moment you notice where you’re going, pause and take two or three or four deep breaths and that should calm you down.

MATT: Okay. All right.

MEL: You know, I remember as a young man, when my dad was teaching me to play golf, we’d get up on the tee and boy, I wanted to hit that ball so far and I would wind up and really crack at it. More often than not, I missed the ball, hit a terrible shot. My father used to say to me, when you get up to the tee, exhale, let a long breath out to calm you down, to slow you down. Students do that. People meditate to do that. The moment you notice that you’re getting reactive, give yourself two, three, four seconds. Nobody’s going to notice but you. And then you should be prepared to communicate effectively.

MATT: I got you. I’ll try that. Definitely. I hope it works because that’s clearly one of my issues is you could see through the intellectual words. You can still see through it because you can feel the anger. And I’m going to try to do that and take deep breaths and pause.

MEL: Once again, you’re ahead of the field because you are aware. As I said earlier, you’re on second base already. Now, you’ve just gotten remarried. You’re all full of enthusiasm. To make this love last, to allow it to be sustainable, typically requires that both of you dedicate yourself to the process of the relationship. The process is not the outcome. You know in relationships, we commit to the outcome. I’ll love you forever. I’ll never cheat on you. More often than not, that doesn’t work. What we have to commit to is the process. The measure of a relationship is not how good is it when it’s good. It’s how do we conduct ourselves when things are challenging. The commitment to the process is to set aside time to talk to each other, to be present with each other. The commitment to the process is when you need help, go out and seek that help. It’s a complex process. If you commit to that process, there’s no reason why the two of you shouldn’t succeed and have a beautiful life together. I wish you well and stay in the process.

MEL: I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you a gift to one of the following. The Power of Mind, a live talk that I gave, or one of my digital eBooks, Creating Authentic Self-Esteem, Overcoming Anxiety, or Raising Resilient Children, and lastly, Cultivating Resilient Relationships. Once you have subscribed, please send an email to mel at melschwartz.com and just let me know which gift you’d prefer. Thanks.

MEL: Hi Diane, good afternoon. How are you?

DIANE: Hi Mel, I’m good.

MEL: Feel free to go ahead and ask me a question or two and we’ll have a conversation.

DIANE: The topic is very intriguing to me, about love is not all you need, because I once was told that love is not enough, and so that question has always kind of lingered for me, especially considering that this person went on to be in a relationship with someone almost exactly like me in every way you could imagine, except for just a few. And so if love wasn’t enough, it was the something else that wasn’t enough, and I’ve always been curious, what is the something else?

MEL: To start with, we don’t know what all of us mean, what each other mean by the word love. Is it romantic love? Is it passionate love? Is it spiritual love? So I don’t know what this individual meant by the word love, but I’ll certainly ask you, what does the word love conjure up for you, Diane?

DIANE: To me it conjured up everything encompassing compatibility, likes, even maybe disliking habits, things that you have to have agreements about or to work through. Sensual, sexual chemistry, personality chemistry, perhaps similar likes and dislikes, loyalty.

MEL: So that’s very comprehensive and very well put. So that’s the entire continuum of different aspects of romantic love. So when we share that with each other, for a period of time we’re acting as one, we’re feeling as one, we’re still our own individual self, but there’s a sense of oneness. And that feeling is what occurs early in the relationship when you fall in love. In quantum physics we refer to that as entanglement. When two particles share a state, they’re in a shared state no matter how far apart they are, they’re entangled as one. That’s what that feeling of love is. Now in the relationship you were referring to, there was no way to really know what he meant by love isn’t enough. People come into a relationship with so much complexity. What can help love prosper is the need to be self-reflective, to communicate effectively. There are so many different dynamics of a love relationship. So I juggle the balls, we need to keep them all up in the air. And honesty and transparency, so the very fact that you don’t know what he meant by that statement, love isn’t enough, speaks to a lack of transparency. He left you not knowing, didn’t he?

DIANE: Yes. Yes.

MEL: And that’s not fair. Did you ask him that question? What did he mean?

DIANE: I did, in probably too subtle of ways over a few times. I think the first answer that he gave was, it was not well formed, it was along the lines of shared, you know, I interpreted it as like my habit, my way of doing things, maybe shared hobbies, maybe me being messy. It seemed to encompass very superficial things to me.

MEL: And how long were the two of you together?

DIANE: At that time, it was within a year of the relationship, although I had known him from a very early age and we came together 20 something years later. So I had a lot of implied trust that I thought I knew him. But no, I didn’t get an explanation, really.

MEL: This speaks to the heart of the matter. When two people first meet and perhaps start to feel like they’re falling in love, the euphoria, the high, it’s so great. We don’t want to disturb it. But what’s necessary to sustain a more mature, evolving love relationship is to be able to ask each other deep, compelling, inquiring questions so that we don’t just put our best foot forward, but we’re putting our authentic self forward. I see in my therapy practice so often, and outside of my therapy practice, that people have not truly revealed their inner self to each other. So these relationships operate on the somewhat superficial level. In relationship, we have to be prepared to be transparent and open and vulnerable and ask each other questions, not in a prosecutorial way, but in a way of inquiry because we’re curious, we want to know each other. So it sounds like for both of you, that deeper sharing wasn’t there. And without that, you don’t typically sustain a deep, loving relationship.

DIANE: Yes, I think I thought that I was being very transparent. And so I assumed because I was being transparent and maybe I was sharing too much, I assumed that he was too. I now know, never assume.

MEL: No, that’s quite right, never assume. And I would ask you to think that you couldn’t have shared too much because by sharing fully, he gets to see who you are and there may be triggers and fears and insecurities within him that came up. But we don’t want to manipulate and manage a relationship and each other. What we want to do is reveal your authentic self. You see, being in love and sustaining that requires an authenticity. The two people are free to be their genuine, unbridled self, nothing to fear. Love can prosper in that dynamic. Without it, it’s actually very conditional and that’s what leads to many of the problems we have. So never blame yourself or concern yourself with, am I sharing too much? It sounds to me, Diane, like for you, the challenge might be for you to ask more and inquire more and perhaps not be passive about that. You have a right to ask those questions.

DIANE: Yeah, well, I feel like I learned that lesson the hard way, for sure.

MEL: Well, the best lessons are often the hard way. Hopefully it will assist you in moving forward and learning a new way. So I hope it was helpful for you.

DIANE: I thank you for confirming that I should share more that, you know, I didn’t mess it up.

MEL: Yes, absolutely. No, you did not mess it up.

MEL: I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel@melschwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show, and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts, and that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again, and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #114 It’s Easy to Say I Love You first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Would you rather be right, or be kind? In The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz 113, I explain why our almost instinctive urge to be right and criticize in relationships hinders our potential to communicate and damages intimacy.

What to do? Listen to learn how to engage with others — in any relationship, including friendships, at work, or romantic — in a way that fosters connection and growth.

Let me know what you think! Be sure to leave a comment!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #113Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Today we’re going to look at why we’re so driven to be right, what inclines us toward arguments in our relationship and how that leads to the death knell of vitality of relating. We’re also going to look at a couple of techniques that I’ve developed, which I’ll be sharing with you as to how we can break through that impasse. Look at today’s episode as the start of a journey and by no means the conclusion.

In marital counseling or couples counseling, when I see couples engaged in the argument, I sometimes find myself stopping and asking them, would you rather be happy or would you rather be right? Although everyone says I’d rather be happy, not a moment passes until we default into the right versus wrong battle. We’re kind of hardwired in a way, although I hate that expression wired because we are not machinery, but our nature, our acculturation is to try to win. After all, if I’m right, that means you have to be wrong.

How do you think that’s going to work out in relationship? It’s an insane way of operating.

This need to be right is rooted in either or thinking. It’s an inclination that doesn’t serve us in any way. The need to win an argument assures that no one’s actively listening. We’re not learning anything. We’re not validating, having compassion or empathy, and it’s destructive, of course, to romantic relationships.

This compulsion to be right sidetracks our lives and then impedes our happiness. The need to be right is antithetical to enjoying empathic and compassionate relationship. I’m going to share a number of stories with you in my work as a therapist.

Long time ago, when I first began practicing, I was working with an older couple and every session would kind of look the same. She would come in and start to complain about her husband, indicting him and throwing the book at him about everything. I would intervene and say, listen, I’m not the judge and this is not about right or wrong. We need to turn toward your perceptions and feelings. No sooner did I intervene, she would go right back into her assault.

I think it was about the third session that we had when I realized I needed to do something different. I was not all that experienced yet in this practice of therapy. So I paused and I said to her, Emily, you’re 100% correct. I agree with you completely. You win. John, you’re absolutely wrong. Emily is right. You wanted me to render a verdict. There you have it.

She paused. He looked unfounded. A moment or two went by and she started to go right back into the assault.

I stopped. I put my hand up gently and said, you won. The debate is over. Now what are we going to do?

I’m not proposing that we made great progress then, but it was a detour from the right versus wrong battle. As I began to notice my frustration in my attempts to assist couples with whom I was working, I needed to develop a new approach. I was watching as couples were tirelessly mired in their argument and listening to them was like watching a ping pong ball being knocked back and forth. Only nobody was scoring any points because no one was listening. I was searching for a way to help people slow down and listen to each other and to get past their gridlock.

Some years later, I was in the middle of a session reflecting again on how I could help people approach this impasse differently. I began by asking the husband, let’s call him Joseph, Joe, can you try to find just a small percentage of what Helena is saying to you that you might agree with? Let’s just look for arguably 5% that you can acknowledge and try to temporarily suspend the 95% that you’re sure she’s wrong about. I was asking Joe to act counterintuitively by neither defending himself nor trying to score a point. I explained to him that he wasn’t pleading guilty or surrendering his point. The goal was to simply establish a rapport so that they could begin to truly hear each other.

He finally managed to affirm one of his wife’s complaints as he said to her, I can see that I do do that and I imagine how that might feel for you. He took ownership of a particular action of his that upset her.

I noticed that Helena barely paused as she was to go right back into the argument. I interrupted her and said to her, she should reflect for a moment about how it felt to be at least harshly validated by what Joseph just said to her. She begrudgingly said to Joseph, I appreciate that you care about my feelings and you’re acknowledging that you hurt me felt good. I then asked Helena to validate some part of Joseph’s issues with her as he had just done in reverse.

Their energy started to coalesce as they moved away from the competition of being right into a collaborative effort to empathize and connect. It began to shift back toward connection, moving away from the separation that was driving the argument.

I found that I had started a new technique for me. I now call that technique the 5% rule. If you can affirm that there’s 5% and of course I’m just making up the number five, but if you can find some small part of the other person’s argument that you can agree with, in no way have you abandoned your position regarding the 95% you disagree with. You’ve simply laid the groundwork for them to take in what you have to say. You’ve disengaged from trying to win an argument and the energy can shift. The 5% rule permits us to halt our addiction to being reactive, which we’ll be talking about in just a bit, and it moves us toward being responsive, present, listening. The next time you’re engaged in a disagreement or a confrontation, challenge yourself to resist the argument and search for a small piece of what the other person’s saying that you can affirm.
Once the other person feels heard and validated, he or she will be in a better position to take in what you have to say.

Timing is essential here. If you rush to reframe or assert your position, then your affirmation will appear disingenuous. You can’t just say, yes, but, boom, right back into the argument. That is actually the process of invalidating. Be cautious about yes, but. Instead, validate something, pause, and let the conciliatory spirit fill the space that would have otherwise been occupied by this noisy, mindless, back-and-forth argument. That shift of energy now becomes fertile ground for a meaningful transition and a constructive exchange. Remember, even if you disagree with the vast majority of what you’re hearing, you can usually find some small content to acknowledge. Ordinarily, we marginalize or ignore the small part because our default position is grounded in winning the argument.

We have a cultural mandate to be right, regrettably, and so our thoughts automatically seek to refute the other rather than confirm. Even though we say we care about each other, we don’t act caringly. If you need to win, the other person has to lose. How does that work out?

You know, we may say to each other, I love you, but it’s challenging to act lovingly. Act lovingly requires that even if we hear something that we feel defensive about or we think is wrong, that we temporarily put that aside to care for the other. The success of this 5% rule allows both people to behave with compassion and empathy, to cooperate rather than compete. Remember, the goal is not to win, but to care. You can immediately apply the 5% rule in your communications, romantic, close, intimate relationships, a friend, relative, or in your business dealings. What you want the other person to hear is vitally important, but you need to set the stage so they can take it in.

Let’s talk a little bit about how we can set that stage. When I need to express something that I think is going to be difficult or challenging for the other person to hear, if I anticipate they’ll be reactive or defend it, I have found that devoting a few sentences as a preface can be very helpful. One of my clients once referred to this technique as foaming the runway.

In other words, you can set up the discourse to better succeed by setting the stage. If you think about it, sometimes runners will stretch before they run in a baseball game, pitchers warm up before actually getting into the game. We study before taking a test. Just as importantly, we need to ease into a challenging exchange rather than simply dive in. It may sound as simple as this, I’m having a problem and I’m wondering if you can help me, or I’m confused about something. Can you try to help me understand? Another approach that’s successful is I have something on my mind that I really want to talk to you about, but I’m anticipating that you’re going to be upset and angry, so I don’t know what to do.

You see, you’re inviting the other person in, and that will tend to mitigate or lessen their tendency to be reactive. When we do this, you’re enrolling the other person and you’ve invited them into a provocative topic, lessening the chance of their being reactive. This technique moves both people into the field of what I call a shared inquiry, very much the opposite of the debate and the argument.

To experience really effective interaction and communication, which regrettably is an exception, we need to establish something called shared meaning about the words and ideas we convey. I call this coherent communication, which doesn’t require agreement, but simply shared meaning. I’ll give you some examples.

One day some years ago, I was walking by a restaurant near my home and I saw the parking attendant, Jacques. I was kind of friendly with Jacques and we used to shoot the breeze now and then. I asked him, how are you? He smiled and said, I can’t complain. I continued walking, and as I did, a thought occurred to me. Jacques could have meant either he had nothing to complain about or he wouldn’t give himself permission to complain. On my return home, I ran into him again and I asked him which meaning he intended. It took a long time for him to be able to share with me that what he meant is that he couldn’t complain, was because nobody would be interested. That’s what his belief was. I explained to him that when I asked him that question, I truly did care and he might make an exception to his rule. If I hadn’t bothered to confirm what I can’t complain meant, I would have assumed all was good in his life. We wouldn’t have connected. Sharing our meaning is an integral part of emotional and verbal intimacy. To pause and ask someone what they meant by the words they’ve just spoken is also deeply respectful.

Respect comes from a Latin word. I think it’s something like resposir, which means to look again. That’s what shared meaning is. It’s not dashing past each other, but taking time to go slowly. You see, what someone thinks I’ve said is actually more important than what I was intending. The disconnection between my meaning and what I intend and someone else’s interpretation can disrupt the entire exchange.

There’s a quote from Abraham Lincoln that I’m fond of. We all declare for liberty, but in using this word liberty, we do not all mean the same thing. How true. We take for granted that our words convey what we’re intending. In my experience as a therapist, I’ve come to see that this assumption is wrong. I’m still stunned by the impact of miscommunication.

Dave and Karen were in a relatively new relationship, but finding themselves mired in disagreement. In the middle of an argument, in a session, Dave proclaimed to Karen, I can’t do this anymore. Karen became noticeably agitated and I asked her what she was feeling. She actually began to cry and said, I can’t believe he’s breaking up with me. I turned and asked Dave, is that what you were saying? Dave looked unfounded and said, not at all. I meant I can’t do this arguing anymore. His expression, I can’t do this anymore, was open to interpretation. By the time we exchanged a few sentences with each other, it’s often a misinformed understanding of what’s happening. Neither person is sharing the same conversation. Our own internal monologues have branched off as we react to a word or a phrase, which is not necessarily what the other person was intending.

I’ll give you an example, another one. It was my first session with Jerry and Diane, a long time married couple. I asked them how I could help them, what brought them into therapy. Without much pause, Diane said, he has no idea how to be intimate. Jerry immediately tightened and shot back, I have no idea how to be intimate. I have no problem at all with intimacy. It’s you that does. If I hadn’t intervened, it would have reprised a familiar battle and they would have paid little attention to my presence. They were so deeply entrenched in their right versus wrong argument, but they hadn’t identified what they were truly talking about.

After a pause, I broke in. I said to them, I’m not at all sure what you each mean by this word intimacy. Can you take a moment and tell each other what this word means for you? After some reflection, Jerry explained that intimacy for him ranged from physical affection all the way to sexual intercourse. As he was speaking, Diane looked incredulous. She said, you must be kidding me. That’s not at all what I mean. I encouraged her to go further. Not surprisingly to me, she spoke of intimacy as sharing deep feelings and thoughts with each other. Once we exposed this essential misunderstanding, they were able to engage each other in a meaningful exchange about their needs and preferences.

Let’s turn to how we can lessen and mitigate our tendency to be reactive, which is so disruptive. If our goal is to understand and connect rather than to win, we have to witness and suspend what our thoughts are telling us, at least temporarily. When we react to someone’s words without pausing to reflect, to inquire, to seek shared meaning, we’re stuck in an old groove of reactivity. As a result, we’re not only reacting to each other in the moment, but to a whole history of our lifetime of experiences and interactions with each other. Reacting is spontaneous. It’s instantaneous. We can learn to see our reaction, and that’s what I call being responsive. The distance between the reaction of a millisecond and a thoughtful response of a moment or two can be monumental. It’s like the difference between blasting your horn or tailgating someone who cuts you off or learning to keep your hands on the wheel.

The fraction of a moment in which you suspend your reaction provides a state of potential, of possibility to facilitate a meaningful discussion. Learning to observe your reaction helps you not become the reaction.

Take anger, for example. If I notice that I’m feeling angry, but stop myself from acting angrily, I can’t communicate how I feel in an appropriate way. If I react and become angry, my angry words and actions are going to make the situation worse and create worsening results. That spirals us down, in which our ensuing actions then shine the spotlight on my behavior. If I’m acting angrily, then the spotlight’s on me. But if I said, I’m feeling angry and I want to explain to you why I’m feeling angry, that is an altogether appropriate communication. It’s an opportunity for discourse.

The next time you feel the urge to defend yourself or your position, here are some questions to ask yourself. What is the other person trying to convey? Let’s not take their words literally. What’s their intention? You should also ask yourself, is it more important for me to correct the other person or to stay present? During couple sessions, almost without exception, the need to correct small, irrelevant points of information is mind-boggling. He may say, you know, I called you two times yesterday, and she will interrupt to say, no, it was three times. Is that correction necessary? Think about what you’re hearing that you think is a misstatement or inaccurate and choose to stay present and ask yourself, is this correction necessary? Then ask yourself, would I rather be right or do I want to learn and understand and be compassionate and care? Am I judging or am I truly listening?

Watch your thoughts. Are they acting a literal way where they’re telling you the truth? Objective truths mislead us. What we want to do is to seek a subjective experience of how we’re each feeling. To not become reactive, train yourself and ask yourself, what am I feeling? And you can communicate the feeling. You don’t have to be the feeling.

We’ve covered a lot of territory today in a brief amount of time. So I’d like you to take an opportunity to let this sink in. You can find in far greater detail many of these messages in my book, The Possibility Principle. And if you have further questions about this, feel free to send me an email at mel at melschwartz.com. We can discuss this further. If you have particular challenges that you’d like to discuss, I am available for FaceTime sessions if you’re outside of my area.

Remember, communication is the heartbeat of relationship. It’s also the heartbeat to self-esteem and authenticity. I will be exploring in great detail those opportunities that await you in future episodes.

Have a great day.

The post #113 Why Do You Need to Be Right? first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Join me for The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #112, in which I explore how we can each adopt a worldview of empowering and pragmatic optimism.

Listen to learn how our life experiences guide our perceptions and attitudes… and how we can choose a different, more enriching path.

Let me know what you think! Be sure to leave a comment!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #112Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

My thoughts for today, our subject for exploration and inquiry, is about looking at the terms optimism and pessimism, optimist or pessimist. Think for a moment, where do you fall in that range? You think of yourself as an optimist, a pessimist, or perhaps somewhere in between. These broad categories are really about the filter through which we experience ourselves and our lives.

I wrote an article some time ago which was called “Why I Can’t or Why Can’t I?” In a way, that really illustrates the difference between optimism and pessimism. The optimist clearly says, why can’t I? They’ll move forward and they’ll try, they’ll venture forth. It doesn’t guarantee success, but it speaks about an engagement in the process, trying. Whereas the pessimist thought will go toward, why I can’t? Why I can’t try that business? Why I can’t ask that personnel on a date? It’s a foreclosing of possibilities. Optimism opens us up to possibilities.

Remember my work and teachings around uncertainty and embracing uncertainty; it’s a range of absolutely extensive, remarkable reality of possibilities. The optimist can try to seize those possibilities. The pessimist doesn’t trust it, or perhaps is afraid of failing and not succeeding, whereas they think other people might. Think of it this way, optimist or pessimist speaks to the filter through which we see and experience our lives and other people. When I say filter, let’s take that literally or metaphorically. If you went through your life wearing a pair of very dark sunglasses, it would look a lot cloudier, a lot darker than if you didn’t have the sunglasses on. Only you’d stop becoming aware that you’re wearing sunglasses and it filters everything you see and experience. Take the sunglasses off, well, you might be looking through rosy colored glasses if you’re the optimist.

So I’m generalizing now and there are always exceptions to every generalization, but pessimists tend to be guarded and self-protective, whereas optimists are comfortable with their vulnerability, taking a chance, going for it, maybe succeeding or not. Now there are terms that we use around optimism. They can be called a naive optimist, which suggests that they’re not doing their homework, they’re not doing their due diligence, they’re just hoping for the best. And certainly that category of person exists.

And then there is the realist. Now you can be a realist and still be an optimist, but there are people who consider themselves pessimists and equate that with realism. Now don’t be a naive optimist, be realistic. Now let me ask you this, when Steve Jobs quit college to start off on his entrepreneurial venture, was Steve Jobs being a realist? Was he simply a blind optimist or something in between? His move toward optimism, toward why can’t I, actually ultimately became his reality.

You see, reality isn’t out there as I’ve always spoken to you about. We participate in creating reality. It is a reality making participatory universe. We construct our realities. So let’s leave aside the outcomes for the moment and look at the process.

If you’re a college student about to take your ACTs or SATs, you don’t want to be naively optimistic and just think I’ll do great without doing your preparation. But optimists have different life experiences internally. Sometimes it’s not about the results. I find that when I go through periods of feeling daunted or confronted with challenges, things that might ordinarily get me down, my thoughts immediately turn to possibilities, solutions. The moment my thoughts head in that direction, I’m creating a new brain chemistry for myself. My actual lived experience internally have nothing to do with the outcomes. My lived experience benefits by being an optimist. Optimism informs your lived experience internally, not just externally. And pessimism puts an absolute clamp down template on your lived experience. You’re viewing everything through fear, limitation, and negativity. So optimistic thoughts alter your brain chemistry. Pessimistic thoughts alter your brain chemistry. Whether you’re an optimist or a pessimist is basically a question about your meta beliefs about yourself and reality.

Whether you’re an optimist or a pessimist, ask yourself, how did I come to this belief, to this outlook? Remember what I have taught you about wave collapses. And for those of you who are listening to this for the first time, let me explain a wave collapse. We learn in quantum physics that reality is in a suspended state waiting to happen. And reality doesn’t actually happen until an observation is made. That observation is called a wave collapse. More specifically, a particle, a light particle can exist as either a wave or a particle. The wave represents pure possibilities like the optimist’s thoughts. The moment the wave is observed, the wave literally collapses and it becomes a particle, a fixed entity. And the same thing happened to us in our lives. We come into life in a state of pure possibility. But based upon life experiences, childhood experiences, acute or chronic messages we got from our parents, we develop these meta beliefs about ourselves, which might be, go for it, go for your possibilities, no risk in trying. Maybe the only risk is in not trying. If those were the wave collapses, the messages you receive from your parents, you’re likely going to be an optimist. As well, if the messages you receive from your parents or other significant influences in your life were to take no risks, be cautious, don’t draw attention to yourself, then that explains why you came to the meta belief of pessimism.

So wherever you categorize yourself, simply ask this, how did I come to be an optimist? How did I come to be a pessimist? Or am I somewhere in between? And if I’m somewhere in between, what new reflections should I be having? What new contemplations might I have to be able to allow me to live my life in harmony with myself in a humanistic way where I can approach and embrace my possibilities without fear, without recrimination to myself, to others. So if you find yourself somewhere in the range of a moderate to a significant optimist, you’re not naive, you’re not going to a casino and losing your net worth so that you can’t pay the rent or feed your family because you had blind optimism that you are going to win that hand to blackjack. That’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about, I can put my best self forward and go for it. Whether it’s friendships, romance, work, any area of relationship, the optimist engages life with an attitude of why can’t I? And with that life philosophy, it allows you to potentially thrive. The pessimist is burying their head in the sand, protecting themselves from further defeat, embarrassment, humiliation, loss, again, probably due to childhood lessons and experiences. You choose. Optimism will allow you a healthy brain chemistry and an engagement with life where you’re hoping for the best and moving toward the best. No guarantee of outcomes. Pessimism is a dog eat dog world. That’s how it is. I’m not getting involved. Well, that closes the script for you. Nowhere to go with that.

So just a few thoughts on optimism and pessimism. And I’d love to hear your comments and thoughts on this. Please challenge me about something I missed or your own experience, which may be very different than what I am describing.

Until next time, wishing you well, wishing you optimistic thoughts and feelings and a full engagement with your life. Bye for now.

The post #112 The Power of Optimism first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #111, I explain how our innate state of potential becomes narrowed and finite due to personal experiences; often early in life. From these events our sense of self can become limited and we may attach to limiting personal beliefs. Utilizing principles from quantum physics, I demonstrate how we came to these false beliefs and how we can transcend them, illuminating the pathway for us to once again stake claim to our infinite possibilities.

Listen, then let me know what you think! Be sure to leave a comment!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #111Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Hello everybody and get ready for an interesting ride in today’s episode. I’m going to be explaining a phenomenon in quantum physics. It shouldn’t be difficult to understand and as a reminder to all my listeners, I’m not a scientist and in fact, I was an average student at best in science. But my new book, The Possibility Principle, explains how we can profit and benefit by looking at some principles of quantum physics to better understand our own lives and to make some adjustments in embracing the messages from quantum physics to allow us to live resiliently, joyfully, without fear, and on and on.

In today’s episode, we’re going to be looking at how we can reclaim our lost sense of potential. Going to begin by explaining this phenomenon of quantum physics and how we can apply it to our own lives. One of the fundamental aspects of the quantum worldview is that elementary particles can sometimes exhibit what’s called a schizophrenic nature. I’m using that term not in a clinical sense, but using the word schizophrenic to suggest it has a split personality. Physicists refer to this tendency in what is known as the wave-particle duality. Ordinarily, we believe the things either are or are not, that they are distinct in nature. This either-or thinking can also be called binary thinking, which leaves only two paths open to us. Binary thinking is a major aspect of how we observe and construct reality. And in later episodes, I’ll be sharing with you what is wrong with that limited way of seeing reality.

But this either-or reality apparently doesn’t apply in the quantum realm and is questionable in our everyday lives as well. The quantum reality exists in a series of what is called probability waves, which have an infinite number of potential outcomes. This means that when a particle is not being observed, it doesn’t exist as a particle. It exists as a wave or a waveform. In quantum language, that’s a state of pure potential, also called superposition, pure potentiality. This term superposition proposes that as long as we do not know what the state of any object is, it actually exists in all possible states. In that sense, the wave represents pure possibility. And the act of observing the wave reduces the wave. The wave collapses and it becomes a fixed thing, a particle. This is called a wave collapse.

Now, this may sound removed from our day-to-day world of relationships, fears, and anxieties, but I have found that metaphorically speaking, a similar thing occurs in our lives. When we have particular experiences or make certain observations of ourselves or have them made of us, typically in childhood by parents, a teacher, or friends, we experience the psychological equivalent of a quantum wave collapse. You see, as newborns or infants, if not at conception or in utero, we resemble the infinite potential possibilities of the wave. Our personality, our identity is not yet defined and exists in the state of pure potential. Notwithstanding matters of genetics, environmental influences, or considerations of astrological or karmic influences, our identity is not determined and fixed. But before long, we start to move from the potential of the wave to the thingness, the particular quality of the particle. The personal evolution of our personality gets stunted and our growth becomes fitful.

How did this happen? Let me share a story to provide a backdrop.

One day in my office, a client I’ll call Jill recalled the words that her mother spoke to her when she was about eight years old. Her mom said, when I was pregnant with you, I told your father I didn’t want another baby. Despite the fact that her mother was otherwise devoted and loving, Jill’s acutely personal takeaway was damning. She felt unwanted and therefore unlovable then and ever since. She carried this core belief with her throughout her life. Her own inner monologue was perpetually self-critical, confirming her belief that she wasn’t lovable. The snapshot that Jill took of herself early in life became etched into her psyche and became her embedded truth. Jill’s beliefs affected her relations with her husband, children, and friends. Notwithstanding that her husband Bob was lovingly devoted to her, Jill questions his loyalty and truthfulness in light of seeing herself as unlovable. Her belief about herself was becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. She forced Bob to withdraw his love as his frustration mounted. What Jill experienced is not uncommon, for what we believe to be true about ourselves and others contributes to our reality-making process. Prior to her mother’s remark, Jill’s identity, her personality, her sense of self could have evolved in an infinite number of ways, but that range of possibility became narrowed by that one short sentence.

I call that a wave collapse. Ordinarily, even a single but significant experience is sufficient to collapse our personal wave of potential. Jill experienced a powerful wave collapse after her mother spoke one particular sentence to her. Sometimes, all it takes is a hurtful statement or even an embarrassing experience to reduce the potential of our personality to a narrow, restricted self-image. These events don’t need to be traumatic. They could in fact be subtle. Yet in these moments, our state of potential, our possibilities fade. It’s as if we’ve taken the snapshot of ourself and become frozen in time. I call these confining wave collapses.

In contrast to defining wave collapses that usher in defining moments and help us break free. In confining wave collapses, we’re no longer the potential of the wave, but we have become the finiteness of the particle. And we carry this picture of ourselves with us throughout our lives, allowing it to burden and limit us. We actually lose the authorship of our life story. We no longer write the narrative. We become a character in the narrative already written. The initial wave collapse, I’m speaking of confining wave collapses here, sets up a recurring incidence of similar experiences as our beliefs about ourselves and others become self-reinforcing. You see, what you think of yourself shapes your interactions with others and with yourself. This habit obstructs our ability to change or to evolve as we cling to a false perceived truth of who we are. The themes of subsequent collapses may vary, but they’re often self-limiting, if not denigrating. We may generate thoughts like I’m not good enough, or I’m not smart enough, or even more simply, I’m not lovable. The actors who perhaps unwittingly participated in scripting our personal beliefs are typically our parents, but they may be our teachers, friends, relatives, and in some cases, even strangers. We cling to these habituated beliefs about ourselves in accordance with our primary wave collapses. In spite of new events, which should create dissonance and have us look at ourselves differently, like Jill’s husband being so loving, they fail. And we tend to remain rooted in the way we see ourselves.

Part of the reason that we experience change is hard. We become embedded in the groove of our self-referencing beliefs, which blocks the opportunity for growth and change. Less dramatically than hurtful comments or abusive actions, the patterns of family dynamics may cause us to acquire certain personality traits. These influences tend to be chronic rather than acute and fly beneath our radar screen. For example, if you grew up in a highly conflicted or alcoholic family, you may have coped by developing a people pleaser or peacemaker persona. We can think of this chronic condition as an extended wave collapse rather than the result of an acute single event.

I had referred another client, Helen, to meet a colleague of mine so that they might explore matters of mutual interest, professionally that is. Helen made an appointment to meet with Jim at a conference that he was attending. When Helen arrived, Jim was engaged in conversation with others and he didn’t notice her waiting to introduce herself. Shortly thereafter, Jim left the conference without acknowledging Helen. Helen said to me, I guess I just wasn’t important enough for him to meet me. She reported this as though it were an established fact instead of an interpretation, an opinion of her own making. I asked her how she knew this to be true and whether there might be other explanations. For example, I knew Jim to be notoriously absent-minded. Could he have forgotten he was supposed to meet her or maybe he didn’t notice someone waiting to introduce herself. In fact, he overlooked appointments with me in the past and I certainly didn’t conclude that I was unimportant. I suggested that Helen saw herself as not valuable and she was projecting that insult onto Jim. At first, she resisted this possibility. She relayed this in compelling stories though, which revealed that as a child, she felt like her mother’s servant, waiting hand and foot on her mother, a reversal of roles so to speak. And her entire childhood was about her obedience to her mother. Helen was deprived of the value that every child deserves and so she basically felt unimportant. This chronic wave collapse had disastrous effects on her self-esteem. Throughout her life, her thoughts almost automatically continued to affirm this affliction. I’m not important. I just don’t matter. Our primary beliefs about ourselves have been generated by our wave collapses, which orchestrate the quality and nature of our beliefs and thoughts. If like Helen, our core belief is that we’re not of value, we can predict the kinds of thoughts we might then experience. These thoughts measure ourselves against others and the predictable result is that we see ourselves as subordinate to others. These thoughts and their resulting feelings can leave us trapped inside a self-induced container of low self-esteem.

I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you a gift to one of the following. The Power of Mind, a live talk that I gave, or one of my digital eBooks, Creating Authentic Self-Esteem, Overcoming Anxiety, or Raising Resilient Children, and lastly, Cultivating Resilient Relationships. Once you have subscribed, please send an email to mel at mel schwartz dot com and just let me know which gift you’d prefer. Thanks.

I’ve given you an extensive explanation of what happens in a wave collapse. Now let’s turn and look at how we can return to our state of pure potential. To free yourself from repeating harmful and confining wave collapses, consider this tenet of the possibility principle. In the nanosecond before your next thought, you exist in a state of pure potential. In the space between your thoughts, you are similar to the wave, full of possibility. But once you attach to the next thought, the ensuing wave collapses and we create a reality in that moment. If we continue to have self-limiting or injurious thoughts, we remain adhered to the damaging effects of primary wave collapses. In therapy, clients often experience a breakthrough with me, a significant moment during which a highly anticipated insight becomes clear and illuminated. This event can present a new state of potential and with it, the possibility of a breakthrough, a defining moment. The person I’m working with will then select which reality to summon by thinking either, that’s great, what a relief, I’ve broken through. Or regrettably, their thought might be, what’s wrong with me? Why is this taking me so long? The first thought is self-affirming and offers relief and possibilities, while the second is self-critical and resists progress. You see, the thought you select will chart your path.

Simply put, the thought we engage will summon the reality of our next moment. We can move forward in breaking into new terrain or we can summon an old familiar thought, abandoning the insight. Obviously, we can choose vastly different experiences. The potential is all that exists prior to your next thought. Our struggle with change is in part caused by our habituation and habit of old thought. Old thought defends its territory. It doesn’t loosen its grip on you easily. Helen’s confining wave collapse of feeling devalued set in motion her lifelong inner narrative. I could see the automatic nature of her thought coming from the statement, I guess I wasn’t important enough for him to wait for me. This type of thought, instinctive and programmed, burdened and afflicted Helen, as similar thoughts burden and afflict most of us. I worked with her to identify that thought and separate from it so she could see what the thought was telling her. This established another principle for her. If you can learn to see the thought, you don’t have to become the thought. As we talked further, I asked Helen whether she attempted to contact Jim after the conference. She continued to cling to her story. There wasn’t any point in doing that because she had been blown off. I suggested that her thought had told her that she was blown off, but how could she actually know that? What she was doing was creating a storyline to conform to her beliefs and her personal history. Was she actually replicating wave collapses from earlier in life? Was this her thought stuck in an old groove? When I pressed her, she couldn’t offer proof that she knew her story was true. Now if we can’t know for sure that our story is true, then we need to look at how we confuse our story with being the truth in any given situation. I asked Helen if it was plausible that she had believed an untruth about herself her entire life. She reconsidered and acknowledged that she might be personalizing events around her meeting with Jim so as to conform to her self-image. When I explained to Helen the theory behind wave collapse, she grasped the concept. I asked Helen to envision an alternative and positive wave collapse in which her mother had been maternally inclined and actually doted on her. What then might her belief about herself be? She permitted herself this alternative point of view and considered that perhaps she wasn’t irrelevant. Doing so meant that she also needed to embrace her discomfort as she moved beyond the limits of her familiar zone.

Our work then focused on helping Helen break free from her addictive tendency to malign herself or more precisely the habit, the tendency of her old thought. From that point on, her progress was impressive. She started to value herself and this shift in self-esteem led to her experiencing her relationships in an entirely new way. When Helen learned to sever the grip of her old identity, she created the opportunity to select a new and positive wave collapse. A defining moment with self-affirming thoughts. Breaking free from the predictability of confining wave collapses simply requires uprooting the repetitive thoughts that inform our old belief. Notice the repetition of these old thoughts in lockstep with the wave collapse and that will enable your shift. The quantum worldview of the universe tells us that reality appears to unfold inexorably and perpetually from a pure state of potential. Earlier I referred to that as superposition. For us to access the universal potential, we must devote ourselves to apprehending that possibility, which lies in the instant prior to collapsing the wave with our next thought or feeling. Our thought literally summons our constructed reality. These thoughts emanate from the groove of old wave collapses and therefore our thoughts represent our past experience. Learning to take a new snapshot and actualize new thinking will help script a new experience allowing you to participate fully in your own evolving reality. Reading how the wave collapses in our lives informs a sense of self that’s just essential in priming the pump for your change process.

Often the meanings we attribute to the events of our personal history prevent us from creating effective change and we become reduced and see ourselves often as victims. Many adults have memories of abusive, loveless, or disappointing childhoods because they didn’t receive the nurturing and love that is every child’s birthright. If we choose to keep focusing on the limiting events of our past, then we choose a present and a similar future that replicates the past. At some point we need to stop choosing to believe the meaning we ascribe to our past and script a different present. I’m not suggesting that we avoid or suppress painful memories. By all means, we need to bring them into the light and process them. The goal though is to disarm the old memories and eventually release them. The thought that we choose in the present moment is almost entirely responsible for who we are in that moment. Remember the moment you choose a thought, the accompanying feelings arise as well. So if we continue to summon old habitual thoughts, we’ll never reclaim the potential that awaits us. What we are seeking are new wave collapses, defining moments that implant positive self-reflections as we grow past the grip of the negative ones.

In working with Jill, I asked her to reconsider what she could have said when her mother told her that she didn’t want another baby. Jill could have said, that makes me feel terrible and unwanted. Had she actually said that at that time or any time later, she might have experienced a positive, defining wave collapse, which was self-affirming. Simply reliving that encounter in a way that gave her some power became part of her healing process. By expressing her feelings, she was able to establish a much stronger, worthier sense of self. Now instead of thinking I’m unlovable, which spoke to her fixed state of being, she could reframe her belief. I’ve thought of myself as unlovable and now I know why. Now this belief is amenable to change. Let’s try an exercise. Think of a core belief you hold about yourself that limits your experience of yourself and your life. We think of these beliefs as truth. They may range from I’m not smart enough to people don’t respect me. Or it might sound like I’m a poor communicator or conflict makes me uncomfortable so I avoid confrontation. Whatever the core belief is, once you’ve identified it, ask yourself how you came to this belief. You might recall an embarrassing, shameful or traumatic moment from earlier in life when this truth took hold. For example, you raised your hand in class to ask a question and everyone laughed at how silly your question seemed so you decided to never risk that exposure again. Now you play it safe and think long and hard before you speak. Or your belief could have been caused by more chronic circumstances like growing up in a volatile home and coming to believe that you couldn’t really take the risk of sharing how you felt. These are the confining wave collapses that have created your limiting beliefs about yourself. They were caused by a specific moment or chronic moments in which you felt shamed or ridiculed.

Now imagine yourself finding your voice. Tell those involved how you feel about what just happened or what they said to you or did to you. Finding your voice in this way helps you release yourself from the bondage of these confining wave collapses. Reflect on how different your beliefs about yourself would be if these events never happened. If your beliefs about yourself were informed by chronic rather than acute circumstances like having an alcoholic or abusive parent or growing up in a volatile home, remind yourself that these beliefs were a product of your experience. Now imagine yourself being raised in a loving and supportive family. You see how differently you might feel about yourself? Once you choose to reclaim your potential, you stop being a victim of damaging circumstances. Say to yourself, I don’t need to be imprisoned by my past if I choose to free myself from my limiting beliefs. You are more than your experiences and an infinite potential awaits you as you allow your identity to break free and evolve. Once you learn to see how your beliefs are informing you, you’re free to break into new terrain and achieve defining moments.

Witness your thoughts and recognize the story they’re telling you and don’t confuse them with being the truth. You can learn to rewrite your story. Many individuals were fortunate enough to have experienced exemplary, defining, beneficial wave collapses that affirmed them and helped them to secure a strong sense of self. This typically leads to authentic self-esteem and these people can craft their personalities free from constrictive encumbrances. But for those of us who haven’t yet experienced such a gift, we can learn to overcome our burdens and reach our full range of possibilities. The way we’ve been trained to think that change is hard or implausible once again grows out of our operating worldview. This belief in inertia developed from the mechanistic worldview that I’ve described many times before in which Newton pictured reality to be like a giant, inert, lifeless, hapless, machine-like universe. And we became the cogs in that machine. The new worldview coming from quantum physics suggests that there is no separation. Everything is in perpetual flow and movement and we can be too. We can embrace that potentiality which invites us to free ourselves from aspects of the past that didn’t serve us. We don’t need to stay stuck like a fixed state of the particle, but we can ride the possibilities of the wave.

I hope this has provided some insights for you. And now there is much significant work to be done in learning to understand the nature of old thought and break free from it. In a previous episode entitled Breaking Free from the Grip of Old Thought, I do explain the techniques for doing this. And of course my book, The Possibility Principle, goes into great detail as to how you can identify your wave collapses and begin to break free from the old thought that limits you.

I wish for you the opportunity to break free from any old wave collapses that limit you and to establish some new defining wondrous moments so you can reach out and embrace the possibilities that await you and that you deserve. Until next time, be well.

The post #111 How to Reclaim Your Potential first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 110 features a recent experience that inspired me to speak to you about connection, compassion, and other aspects of being human we sometimes lose sight of.

Listen to learn what happened… and once you’ve listened, let me know what you think! Have you had a similar experience? Be sure to leave a comment!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #110Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Well hello and welcome to today’s very mini episode. In fact, I wasn’t thinking of recording an episode today, but let me tell you what happened. I’m spending the summer in the little town of Amagansett, Long Island, just east of the famous Hamptons. You know, the place where the celebrities, the rich and famous, the very affluent mingle and spend summers at just a magical topography, an incredible ocean. So I’m in the little town of Amagansett. I went out this morning to a spot called Amber Waves, local farm stand to serve some food, kind of a community place.

I’m standing on line, a very long line to check out, and a man walks in who catches my eye because he stands out from everyone else. He looks like he has a second-degree sunburn. I noticed that his pants are tied with a rope. He looks disheveled. Clearly, he looks out of place in this location. He looks out of place in most locations. So I’m curious. While I’m standing in the line, I watch him meander through the grocery, looking at the food in all different sections, opening up refrigerated drawers and peering in.

I think to myself, am I certain that this poor man is homeless? I shouldn’t call him poor man, but I’m having compassion and empathy for him. Clearly, something is off. It’s not just his attire. It’s not just his sunburn. It’s how he’s navigating through the grocery. After a while, I conclude he probably is homeless. He certainly is unwell psychologically, just from his habits.

But then I become curious about something else. Am I the only person noticing him, paying any attention to him? And as I scan the dozens of people, I can’t catch anyone, even remotely, looking at him, acknowledging his presence as though he were invisible. And indeed, I assume, perhaps incorrectly, he was invisible to everyone that was there.

I thought perhaps I should get out of line, offer him some money so that he might have a decent meal. But then I thought, I don’t know what harm that would do him if he’d feel offended. I can’t be so presumptuous as to know how he would receive my offer of generosity. So I demurred and chose to do nothing. Still watching, scanning everyone, nobody looked at him. When he left, I did notice that he had his belongings packed in a shopping cart, you know, a supermarket wagon, and he pushed it down the street.

Clearly, he was homeless. More importantly, well, it’s not important that he was homeless, but the important thing to me was how we inure ourselves and desensitize ourselves. We don’t even glimpse someone else’s plight.

As a kid, I remember the expression, there but for the grace of God go I. Compassion, empathy, it seems in such short supply. I recall when I was in Greenwich Village once when my sons were quite young, and my oldest son, Jesse, I’m going to guess maybe he was eight. He said, Dad, could I have a dollar? I don’t know if it was a dollar or 50 cents. Absentmindedly, I said, sure, and handed him the money. We were online outside of a takeout pizza place. I kept my eye on him, of course, we were in the city in Manhattan. He goes about 50 feet down the street, and there is a homeless person, not begging for money but camped out on a blanket with a cup. And Jesse put the money in his cup.

It’s shocking. It’s just shocking how we tune out. We complain about homelessness. We may say something needs to be done. Of course, NIMBY, “not in my backyard,” becomes prevalent. But I’m speaking here about simply compassion, not what do we do about the problem, but empathy. This person today was an adorable baby just like we all were. Hopefully cared for and loved by one or two parents, maybe not. He was born as a baby, a human being, the same as all of us. And I’m afraid that we’ve become so calloused and desensitized to the plight of others who are less fortunate than we are.

So my musings today and my sharing today is about slowing down, seeing the humanity in every one of us, trying to reach for something to connect with instead of just passing each other by in this terribly transactional way that we do. And I know there are exceptions to the rule that I’m stipulating right now, and to those of you who are the exceptions, bravo, great for you. But for those of you who are just anesthetized once again by the pace of life and the not caring, just take a moment and tune in. And sometimes if you have the opportunity to reach out and touch somebody’s soul, their heart, their being, not only will it be good for them, but it will restore a sense of humanity, a kindred spirit to you and to all of us.

So this was brief. That’s all I had in mind. I look forward to talking with you again soon, in which case, no doubt, I’ll be going into much greater length about something that remains to be seen. Bye for now, and stay connected.

The post #110 The Inhumanity of Being Invisible first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 109, let’s take a look at how the classic Aristotelian worldview — what I call “either-or thinking” — affects our lives from our culture and society on down to our personal relationships and even our own self-esteem.

Compare this overly simplistic paradigm to what quantum physics tells us about how reality actually works: a state of flux, of possibility. “Either-and,” if you will.

Listen to discover why adopting a pluralistic, liquid worldview more in line with reality can help our mental health and enhance our emotional intelligence. Once you’ve listened, let me know what you think! Be sure to leave a comment!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #109Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

I’m going to be talking to you today about a problem with the way we think, the way we see reality operating, which causes us to oversimplify and to get really, really dumb.

So let me share the history to begin with. The way that we see reality operating is in a very truncated and divided way, influenced in large part by Aristotle. So we came to know this as Aristotelian thinking. Aristotle believes that reason was humanity’s highest faculty and his theory of logic accounts for what we come to call deductive reasoning, which links our premises with our conclusions. So simply, if your premise is true and you follow the rules of logic, then the conclusion you reach must also be true. I don’t agree with that, we can move into that, but that is deductive thinking.

Now the corollary of Aristotle’s philosophy is that things either are or are not true. Notice the division. Yes or no. Two different categories. There’s no gray area, no middle ground. Aristotle had a profound influence on the philosophers who followed, especially Descartes and Newton. These ideas became part of the physical principles of Newton’s laws. And this duality that resulted from Aristotle’s theory of logic, it filters how we actually picture reality operating. It’s known simply as either or thinking. It structures our beliefs into such an oversimplified posture in which we know something only by including its opposite. That way we organize reality and it frames our thought as it takes on this undivided wholeness of reality and it fractures it into two opposing camps. So we live under this illusion of separation. In other words, either or thinking splits reality into separate compartments and we come to think of that as real.

Here’s what I mean. Look at the word hate. Hate wouldn’t have much meaning if there wasn’t a notion of love. Good wouldn’t make sense without including bad. The pairing of opposites helps us to differentiate things, but then we get lost in these things and these notions shape the mindscape of our reality. But it also entrains our thinking to look at the opposites and forget there is what’s called an included middle. That gray area in between. A place where the opposites can coexist. This dichotomy of either or thinking leads us down the path toward our compulsion toward right or wrong.

On personal levels, our identity becomes wed to what we believe to be the truth, once again rooted in the literal thought, the old classical worldview. So our thought has a need to be right. Our ego has a need to be right. And it works all the time to protect the self-constructed image of our identity. Most people protect their egos by defending their need to be right. The more rigid your thinking, the more fragile is your sense of self. Again, the more rigid your thinking, the more fragile your sense of self. Because the rigid thinking is protecting the sense of self. It also follows that the more tied we are to being right, the more fixed our beliefs and thoughts become. That’s the opposite of what we want. We can’t learn unless we challenge ourselves, unless we look at our beliefs. This absence of flexibility in our thinking suggests that we’re more interested in being right, in winning, than in learning or relating.

Horribly destructive to our relationships, isn’t it? And to our growth, or our intellectual curiosity, or our emotional curiosity. This is yet another form of thought defending its territory and doing battle against the possibility of being wrong. The paradox here is that vulnerability of thought, being comfortable with being uncertain, not knowing, or even being wrong, actually makes us powerful and strong. That’s what an opened mind is. People say they have an open mind, but rarely do they. An open mind suggests, I may be wrong. I need to rethink my position. Now once we free ourselves from the need to be right, our thinking opens up. Not being tied to defending the need to be right opens you to wonder, new inquiry, new possibilities, curiosity, and it provides an exceptional nutrient for your relationships. So what I’m proposing is that we reconsider vulnerability as we ordinarily think of it, once again.

As seen throughout many of my talks, this need to be right, the defending against the vulnerability makes us feel at risk or insecure. It’s just the opposite. You see, if I don’t need to be right, I’m not embarrassed to be wrong. That makes me powerful. That creates powerful self-worth. If I have nothing to fear with regard to what others may think, then my sense of self isn’t tied to such a silly artifact. And that in fact creates a powerful self-esteem. When you listen to interviews and the guest responds to a question and says, that’s a good question, you know what’s going on. It’s a question that they’re prepared for and they have the answer. As you’ve heard me say before, when I’m interviewed, a good question is a question that makes me stop and think and realize I don’t have an answer. I relish that. It’s a learning opportunity for me. Stop and ask yourself, in what ways your need to be right might block your ability to connect, to validate other people, or to open yourself to new learning. Try going against the grain and suspending the need to be right and see what happens.

Now let’s relate this back to quantum reality. In the quantum realm, we’ve looked at how there’s what’s called a wave-particle duality in which light can be a wave and it can be a particle. It’s not either or. The physical reality is it exists as both. So the very notion of either or becomes unsustainable. And that opens up a new vista of reality in which things are and are not at the same time. It feels confusing, but that suggests the whole realm of possibilities opens up. And this phenomenon is just as true in our everyday lives. Our desire to break things down into neat, distinct categories doesn’t help us function. In fact, this oversimplifying contributes to so many difficulties we face. We need to engage a higher level of complexity beyond either or thinking to meet the multifaceted challenges that we face. We can see how things become stuck when we’re rooted in this duality of either or. Pay close attention to the questions that are posed and you’ll notice how questions rupture and fragment wholeness. Remember reality is one inseparable whole, but either or thinking slices and dices that wholeness of reality into distinct compartments which we then think are true. For example, a twilight is a day or night. The question is a day or night provides only two choices and our mind then goes toward is only day or night. It’s really day blending into night. Do you love me or do you hate me? That might depend on the moment, although either term might be overstated.

Do you believe in creative intelligence or in evolution? That sets up simple sided one answer. Isn’t it possible to believe in both? Does one have to preclude the other? Can you be pro-choice and still sensitive to the ethical issues of abortion? I’d like to think so. Now let’s think about this on more personal levels. If you’re a spouse, you’re a partner or another person is upset with you, they have an issue with you and they want you to acknowledge how they feel. Can you both validate how they feel and not default into saying you’re right and I’m wrong? You see, that’s where we get stuck in relationships, right or wrong versus validating each other’s feelings. In the past, many times I’ve been asked, do we discover reality or do we create reality? Either or question. Again, that question fractures reality into two separate compartments, discover, create. My answer to questions like that, when I’m asked either or questions, often I say yes, because I’ve trained my mind not to fall into either or thinking. I believe that we can discover and create at the same time. One doesn’t preclude the other.

Discover means that reality lies out there and we have simply found it, while create implies that the source comes from within, from our mind, from our consciousness. That very demarcation between in here and out there is merely the way we’ve been trained to see reality, in here and out there. There is no division. From a participatory worldview, which I explain in my book, we can appreciate these distinctions should become indistinct. Did Einstein discover the theory of relativity or did he envision it? Both. The new sciences suggest that this duality is simply our way of picturing reality, going back all the way to Aristotle. Even furthered by Newton and Descartes. We must transcend the limitations of these either or thinking patterns and begin to think and see again in wholeness. We can then reverse the fragmented thinking that ruptured wholeness and created separate compartments.

This new thinking that I’m espousing is participatory. It moves beyond the either or divide and it’s of immense help in our relationship and communication. Shifting from either or to either and or enables us to engage complexity and not oversimplify. Complexity includes opposing parts. It permits all opinions and positions to be heard and considered. It doesn’t mean we’ll be remaining mired in indecisiveness or lacking in clarity. It means we’re going to come to clarity by engaging complexity. As a culture, we’re trained to avoid complexity and to avoid confusion. We simply desire a need divided answers and solutions and quick fixes.

How’s that working out? Reality appears to be pluralistic, meaning it has innumerable qualities. It’s nuanced, textured, very subjective. Trying to extract one simple right or wrong yes or no answer from such a complex tapestry is dumb, it’s wrong minded, it’s foolish and it’s dangerous. It’s incoherent. It’s no different from trying to place a square peg in a round hole. It doesn’t fit. Just as either or thinking, for the most part, is incongruent with the participatory reality that quantum physics describes. Many years ago, I read in the Times an article that explained that if concrete is kept vibrating, it won’t set, it won’t become concrete, I guess, but retains a liquid form. The concept intrigued me. I thought it was a great metaphor for us to see about how we think. Keeping our thinking vibrating, not setting it in concrete, keeps us from falling prey to our personal beliefs and to concretizing our beliefs. To accomplish this requires just our flexibility that allows us to avoid the pitfalls of right or wrong, either or. We have to embrace confusion and complexity to increase the bandwidth of our brain power and stimulating and generating far more productivity, flexibility, and thinking.

It goes beyond oversimplification. You see, the oversimplifying makes our minds rigid and inhospitable to real, genuine thinking. It keeps us stuck in the confinement of old thought. When we embrace uncertainty and invite confusion, we keep the vibrating alive and that increases our neuroplasticity, the workout for our brain’s flexibility. Embrace and invite confusion that’s not weak, that’s generative. That opens the gateway for profound new thinking. The absence of this mental vibration gets us stuck in a virtual groove of old thought and old feelings and old experience. And that’s why we struggle with change. Thinking on the other hand enables perpetual questioning, not from a point of insecurity or doubt or overanalyzing. The goal here is to embrace this open-minded inclination to wonder to yourself. A relationship with this kind of inquiry, it opens the way for this oscillating that I’m speaking of, genuinely inquiring minds, seeking new questions rather than longing for answers. Don’t look for answers, reflect on and ask new questions. And reaching temporary and relative answers for a while is fine, a temporary resting place.

But the goal is to find a kind of an equilibrium between knowing and not knowing, confusion and clarity. An engaging paradox just stretches our mind beyond the limits of everyday logic and rationality that puts a straitjacket on our thinking. Reflect, contemplate, and look at things from multiple perspectives. That will enable your mind to become flexible and creative. That is the oscillating that keeps something from turning into concrete. It’s an ongoing state of uncertainty where we suspend our assumptions and beliefs. This is a groundswell for evolving insights because reality presents itself as an inexorable flow. We want our thinking to inexorably flow as well, embracing uncertainty to avoid a fixed state.

Well, that was a mouthful and complex and simple at the same time. If you have any questions on this topic, you can refer to my book, The Possibility Principle, which goes into great detail, or send me an email at mel at melschwartz.com. I assume for most listeners, you’re looking at and contemplating how this can affect you in your personal life, how it can assist you in your personal life. Don’t be shy. Send me an email and I’m happy to help you see this with a bit more clarity. So until next time, resist either or compartmentalized thinking. That training obscures your ability, it hinders your ability to be creative, curious, wondrous, and to keep flowing just as reality flows.

Until next time, be well, be speaking with you soon. Bye for now.

The post #109 Over-Simplifying Equals Dumbing Down first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast #108 describes the fundamental flow state of reality, and how we can embrace and emulate that perpetual state of becoming for a life rich with possibilities.

The post #108 Into the Flow: From Being to Becoming first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 107 of the Possibility Podcast explores the burden of emotional rucking, what it means, and how you can take that load off and achieve emotional resiliency.

The post #107 Emotional Rucking first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In episode 106 I share the evolution of my guide for living with resilience and self-empowerment in a guest interview on The Science of Success Podcast.

The post #106 The Science of Success first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 105 features a talk I gave on emergent thinking, which features concepts and ideas I further explore in my book The Possibility Principle.

The post #105 The Power of Mind first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #104 asks: are we progressing in our humanity as quickly as we progress in other, more material, ways?

The post #104 The Perils of Progress first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 103 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz looks at the topic of emotional and verbal violence and abuse.

The post #103 Do No Harm first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

If you've ever asked yourself how things might have turned out if you lived a different life... there's still time to make changes. Learn how in the 102nd episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz.

The post #102 If You Could Live Your Life Over first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Discover how authenticity and vulnerability enhance our relationships in this 101st episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz.

The post #101 Invest in Yourself: Taking Down Your Walls first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this landmark 100th episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, I'm joined by author and therapist Jorge N. Ferrar to discuss healthy alternative options for romantic relationships.

The post #100 Love and Freedom: Monogamy or Polyamory? first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Presenting a reintroduction to my Possibility Principle, the lodestone of the podcast and my upcoming multi-episode series on relationships. Plus, celebrating soon-to-be 100 episodes!

The post #99 What is the Possibility Principle? first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

When you find your life philosophy, your life may improve! Find out how and why in the 98th episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz.

The post #98 Find Your Life Philosophy first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Coping mechanisms can backfire over time. Listen to this solo 97th episode of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz to learn how.

The post #97 How Coping Mechanisms Can Imprison You first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

This special 96th episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz features a guest who shares her remarkable story of triumph over trauma.

From the age of seventeen and well into adulthood, Jenny’s life was shaped by near-tragedy, disruptive relationships, a shocking and unexpected death, and more.

Listen in as Jenny tells her story of one wave collapse (as I define them in my book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast), after another, and how she embraced the power of uncertainty to live the life she wants to live.

I’d love your feedback on our inspiring conversation! Be sure to leave a comment!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Don’t miss a single Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz! Subscribe for free in iTunes / Apple Podcasts, YouTube, Spotify, RadioPublic, Spreaker, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Or, simply copy / paste the RSS link directly into the podcast app of your choice!

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #096MEL: Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

MEL: I am excited and honored to bring you a live guest today. Her name is Jenny. She wrote to me some weeks ago sharing the story of her life traumas and as a reader of my book, The Possibility Principle, she referred to them as wave collapses. And I’m going to make some distinctions and help you identify what’s a wave collapse, what’s a trauma, and where they both reside and correlate to each other. And Jenny’s been gracious enough to come on the show for the benefit of all of you listeners to help you understand and appreciate the way she navigated those life traumas slash wave collapses. So with that said, welcome to the show, Jenny. If you’d be kind enough to share with us some of the pertinent points of your life history and how they’ve impacted you.

JENNY: First of all, thank you for having me. It’s a real honor to be on your show. When I was younger, and I was a very performance driven person, always trying to kind of fly under the radar by being the superstar, doing the best that I could be because I realized I really received a lot of hats on the back or Wow, aren’t you amazing. And really, it was the only time, shall I say that I ever really felt good about what I was doing. I had an interesting childhood with divorced parents that didn’t necessarily get along so great. Actually, they didn’t get along at all. And growing up with a dad that was very strict and kind of hard to read from time to time. So you kind of learn how to adapt, kind of stay out of the way. I learned quite quickly that to be the overachiever or to strive for perfection or try to be the best, it got me where I needed to be to feel comfortable.

JENNY: You know, for some reason in my life, it always kind of all so many things kind of came back to this one pivotal moment where, you know, my mom had been really, really sick. She was then just kind of out of the picture. She was the more loving and nurturing one. But when she got really sick, obviously, she was unavailable. You know, she actually that year, she had tried to commit suicide. I happened to be the only one there at the house. And so obviously, that was kind of a shocking moment.

MEL: Could you describe the shocking moment? What did you see? What actually happened?

JENNY: You know, I didn’t really know what happened. I was awoken in the morning, in the middle of the morning. It was the day before school was starting. I do remember this. I woke up to some pounding on the door. And at the time, we lived in two different homes, two different houses on the same property. And I looked out to our street to see ambulances, fire trucks, police, and I really didn’t know what was going on. They started asking me, where is this location on the property? And you know, your your mother has attempted suicide. So when I took them to the location that they were asking about, then you know, there she was completely unconscious. When they brought her up to the house, she was not responding at all. I remember the police officers, they had mentioned that she had left a note for me.

MEL: How old were you, Jenny?

JENNY: I, you know, I’ve quite often tried to go back to that. I believe I was 17. Yeah, I really it wasn’t until later that I tried to piece together kind of the timeline. I was living with my mom full time at this at this time. So for all of this to be happening, I just remember how in shock I was. I was so confused there. They’re asking me what my full name was, what address was I at? I mean, I couldn’t remember any of it when I was being interviewed by them. You know, all I can remember is kind of looking down the hallway and seeing my mom laying on the ground with a couple of the rescue workers, you know, trying to revive her. Anyway, so yeah, they took her off to the hospital and I went to a friend’s house. Growing up in a small town, this rumor, this news spread quite rapidly, as you can imagine. So to kick off the new year this way, let’s just say it was challenging. It was a challenging set of circumstances.

MEL: At that time, your mother is the primary relationship in your life.

JENNY: Yes.

MEL: You’re an adolescent.

JENNY: Yes.

MEL: 16 or 17 years old. You awaken shockingly to your mother’s suicide attempt.

JENNY: Right.

MEL: And not only how do you make sense of it, but how do you summon up the capacity to move forward? Could you describe shock as just a word, shock. At first you’re in a state of shock, which protects you from the trauma. But as the shock retreats, what are you feeling? What are you thinking?

JENNY: Yeah. I mean, one of the things that went through my head is what are other people going to think? I mean, I couldn’t believe that there would be any reason, for example, to even write me a note and apologize. I mean, thank God she ended up being revived and she went to the hospital. All of that kind of went rather quickly. So then it’s like, OK, she’s safe. But now what is my life look like? Because we knew that she was probably going to be entered into a mental hospital of some sort, which means I couldn’t stay with her any longer. There were a lot of questions in my mind. You know, obviously, this is a pivotal moment. You’re coming up on finishing out this year strong so you can apply for colleges. And these last two years of high school seem to be.

MEL: Of course. They’re critical without trauma.

JENNY: Yeah.

MEL: And as you mentioned, the thought of also what would other people think term that I refer to as other esteem, which is rather than being connected with self, what will others think of me? So you’re 16 or 17. Your mom is no longer in your life available. What happens? Who do you live with?

JENNY: So when she was then sent off to a mental institute, then the decision was made that I had to then return to my dad’s house. I didn’t end up leaving his house on the very best of terms. So it was kind of an uncomfortable situation.

MEL: So when you get to your dad’s house after your mother’s suicide attempt, is your dad solicitous, caring, nurturing of you?

JENNY: No, not really.

MEL: How would you describe him?

JENNY: Yeah, it was kind of almost like, yeah, well, here you are. You don’t have any other choice. So it wasn’t caring or empathetic or as I mentioned, they didn’t get along at all. So maybe his reaction was more because he didn’t like her. What I was going through or what I had gone through was kind of a non-issue.
Like I said, really on both sides.

MEL: So he was detached emotionally prior to your mother’s suicide attempt. You didn’t feel his nurturing, his love or his caring. So your mom, arguably through no fault of her own, having a psychiatric disorder, can’t cope with her own life, but makes a decision that she’s leaving you.

JENNY: Right.

MEL: Right. There’s a sense of abandonment there. He cares for you and loves you, but she’s leaving. You can’t handle it. You get to your dad’s and he’s indifferent. You’re just like a commodity more or less. He has no choice for actually, but you need a home to live in. Okay. So for listeners who aren’t familiar with the term wave collapse, what I write about in my book is that there are things that happen in our lives that which are very acute, like a suicide attempt or drip, drip, drip, like your dad’s message of you’re not worth my love and attention and devotion, which is a more chronic wave collapse. Suicide is acute. Wave collapses are when our identity becomes frozen in the moment in time and it shapes and informs us. And typically, regrettably, it limits us and confines us. What I call confining wave collapses. Clearly your mother’s suicide goes beyond that. It’s a trauma, trauma to your being. So let’s move forward now with what’s your life like with your dad and what’s the next trauma or wave collapse to come?

JENNY: So I continue to do what I normally did when I lived with my dad prior, just stay under the radar and be the best that I can be. I think the next or the confining wave collapse, the way I would see it as a wave collapse, because it was a very defining moment. It did keep me frozen and still from time to time does. In that same year, as I had mentioned, it was a big year to be submitting college applications and whatnot. I had performed and excelled to a point that I was at the top of my class with a lot of my friends. Everybody else is also excited about sending off college applications. And I’ll never forget, because again, my mom’s still sick and my stepdad is taking care of her. So I’m just kind of doing what I need to do to survive. And I remember bringing to him a few of the college applications. I think that fee for submitting them was somewhere around $25 to $30 per application. And it was at this point that he told me that I would not be going to a four-year college with no discussion. There was just…

MEL: Just matter of fact.

JENNY: It was matter of fact. And it had nothing to do with me living with my mom full time. It had nothing to do with any of that. The agreement had always been that he would pay for college. And I had performed in such a way that I could have gotten into many different colleges with the right support. But to have somebody just completely shut you down, I didn’t have any words. And I could never really talk to my dad, even if I had these feelings inside of, well, this is… what do you say? This is not fair? And yeah, I was completely…

MEL: So you were literally speechless. You couldn’t summon your voice and express how you felt. So that’s significant. There’s this harsh, cruel reality. I’m not paying for a four-year college. But then there is the subordination, the loss of your own voice, like, what? That’s not fair. In other words, the voice of a 17-year-old or anyone in that moment to say, can we talk about this? How do we work this out? He had no feeling. He just delivered a one-sentence statement of fact, as though you’d have no feelings or he had no regard for your feelings.

JENNY: Yeah, I just felt completely crushed. All my aims, all my goals, everything had just been thrown right out the window. And riding on top of everything that had happened with my mom just some months before, I mean, yeah, then I started thinking, like you said, what are the others going to think? All my friends are talking about colleges. I mean, it was a total feeling of humiliation when somebody said, oh, well, what colleges are you applying to? And maybe it doesn’t seem like a big deal to many that I explain the story to, but I just know that for me, it changed my life. It really did. I completely went from high achiever, teacher’s pet, whatever you want to call it, to completely rebellion. I was angry. I was just angry. I had no voice. I had nobody to help me. I had nobody to say, hey, maybe there’s another solution or, you know, there was no support, nothing. And I held on to that for a really long time.

MEL: You rebelled, Jenny, and actually found a voice through the rebellion. You didn’t express your anger or your upset to your father. You took that energy and externalized it as a rebel, which in some ways we can look at as your resilience. You didn’t self-defeat and cave in and go into depression, right? You reconstituted yourself and became rebellious.

JENNY: Yeah. I mean, I was partying all the time and ditching school because at that point I thought, what’s even the point? Why am I going to school? Because at this point also, you know, like a junior college, because that was pretty much my option, a junior college in my mind was that was for the people who didn’t like barely passed. And then I was going to be lumped in with this group. It just it didn’t seem right. And I completely rejected the whole idea.

MEL: So let’s talk about identity for a moment. The identity you had, which gave you buoyancy and resilience through your mother’s suicide attempt and the absence of her actively as a mother was your passion for academics and academic achievement, how you identified yourself. And then again, without warning, without knowing it was coming for the second time in your life, that sense of identity was stripped away from you without real explanation. And it’s left again with this question of who am I if I am not the successful high achieving student and that’s been removed through no fault of my own, not that my grades changed. Who am I? So trauma number two in your life and you partied that was the rebel you’re speaking of. So did you end up attending junior college?

JENNY: No. You know, I wanted nothing. I just wanted to leave. I wanted to be as far away from everybody as possible.

MEL: I think this is a natural and natural desire.

JENNY: Yeah, because I was young and it was all very confusing. And as you mentioned, my identity was completely stripped. I didn’t even know what to do with myself. So yeah, I mean, I ended up working, not in any positions that I thought were amazing. But just to be out on my own and not have to rely on anybody.

MEL: Did you move away from the town you had been living in?

JENNY: Yes. So I bounced around and lived in a couple different locations, mostly, you know, beach cities, always in and out of relationships.

MEL: This was also interesting. I would imagine it would be hard for you to trust relationships.

JENNY: I did have a huge issue with trust.

MEL: Okay, so that’s part of the wave collapse and the shaping of your identity.

JENNY: Yes.

MEL: You couldn’t trust people. Your mother and your father abandoned you in different ways. Your mom may not have been responsible, but your father certainly was. So your core experience in life is that your parents didn’t care or traumatize you in one way or the other. So as a result, you didn’t trust relationships and your self-worth suffered.

JENNY: Oh, my self-worth was, I’m going to tell you honestly, I really struggled with that really a lot up until this last year when I read your book. And it was a simple concept. But you know, when you really recognize that your self-worth is struggling, and that it’s keeping you stuck. I was stuck for so long. It’s like even carrying it on into my work experience. If my work ethic was in question, if I thought people didn’t think I was doing a good job, or if I was up, you know, at the top of my level, it really affected me in really bad ways. Like I would be hijacked for like three months at a time in kind of a depression and not really even understanding what was going on, what I was even responding to. So this was really kind of a deep dive in this last year. It’s like, okay, so why does this continue to keep happening, whether it’s one month or three months of just really feeling bad, really badly about myself.

MEL: I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you a gift to one of the following the power of mind, a live talk that I gave or one of my digital ebooks, creating authentic self-esteem, overcoming anxiety or raising resilient children, and lastly, cultivating resilient relationships. Once you have subscribed, please send an email to Mel at MelSchwartz.com and just let me know which gift you’d prefer. Thanks.

MEL: How did that feeling badly about yourself then impact you? I know you have much more to your story now, which is how did that impact you in terms of choosing a partner, choosing a husband?

JENNY: So I was married.

MEL: At what age did you get married?

JENNY:I was 31. This was my second marriage. I had gotten married at a really, really young age. Imagine that. I quickly realized that it was not working. And so I carried on with my life in a confused state, just living, just surviving. Finally, it was about…I was 31 and I got married. I had remembered 2 years prior to that, I was thinking to myself, wow, all my sisters are married. They’re all having kids. Some of my sisters are younger than me. And it really made me look inside and go, wow, nobody’s going to want me. I’m not lovable.
And wow, I’m the only one that’s not married. So you almost just start looking. And so I ended up getting married. I ended up getting married to someone who I just thought was absolutely amazing. And then shortly after we were married, you would start seeing a few little red flags here and there, but we’re just going to push those to the side and ignore them. But I have 3 wonderful kids, and we were nearly married 10 years. But really having a hard time the last couple of years, yeah, prior to another major trauma, I had found out. And once again, even in the marriage, and even with kids, I really had taken what I had learned in my adolescent and younger childhood stages is to really excel, be the super mom, be the super wife, do everything perfectly. So from the outside looking in, how amazing everything is. And really on the inside, I felt like I was falling short. When I had found out that he had cheated on me for really because of a sixth sense, it was that little voice. It told me something is off. There was no major incident. I just knew something was off.

MEL: You just intuited it.

JENNY: And I followed that intuition. And lo and behold, here’s some messages that I really didn’t need to be seen. And this was a crushing moment for me, because I really felt like I had done everything to hold everything together. I was the glue for the family, so to speak. And so when it came down to the simple fact that he just didn’t get enough sex, that’s what it came down to.

MEL: That was his explanation.

JENNY: This was the explanation that they had actually, this woman and him had made a decision that they really both just love sex, so they would just have a ton of sex. And so, you know, now that I think about the conversation, it was just, wow. Once again, there were no words. I mean, how do you…

MEL: Had your former husband ever complained to you that he wasn’t having enough sex?

JENNY: No.

MEL: Oh, so it was a secret that he was discontent.

JENNY: So after this, I mean, once again, I really went into a depression. I mean, I was really drinking a lot. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that, wow, I’m just nothing.

MEL: So the third time in your life that there’s this wave collapse of, I don’t matter. I don’t count. Your words, I am nothing. Right? Your mother tries suicide. Your father shunts you aside and says, junior college, don’t care about your talent, your intelligence, your perseverance, irrelevant. You’re not going to four-year college. And your husband, former husband, creates a story, wasn’t having enough sex. So for the third time in your life, now you’re in your 30s, 40s at this time?

JENNY: Yeah, it was actually, I found out, I remember a couple months before my 40th birthday.

MEL: Pivotal, just like your mom trying to take her life at the age of 17. Pivotal moments, applying to college. So just before your 40th birthday, you’re left again with this acute horror of, I wasn’t having enough sex. That’s why I did it. No accountability or responsibility on this part. No compassion or empathy or feeling for you. Third trauma, third major acute wave collapse in your life. So please continue from there to what happens next of significance.

JENNY: Yeah, I tried. I tried really my best to get over it, to work on the relationship. I didn’t know exactly what I was working on because he’s the last person now that I want to have sex with after pretty much, you know, there’s just nothing there. It was about, I’m going to say a year later that maybe his guilt kind of started wearing off. He was a little bit of a narcissist. The guilt kind of started wearing off. So then it’s kind of like a few of those kind of red flags kind of started coming back. You know, in terms of just how he would speak to me and kind of cut me short, just completely disrespectful like you would never speak that way to someone you love, period. And you know, we had been to a marriage counselor. And so I ended up going back to this marriage counselor and I said, do you mind if I just kind of start meeting you one on one, because I’m really trying to work some things out. And this is kind of what’s happened since we went to marriage counseling, you know, the whole thing. And I was really trying to just work my way through it in hopes that I could get past my fear or mistrust or whatnot. Well, what ended up happening after, you know, going to the same therapist for about 10 months is I finally had come to the conclusion, not that I wanted to work on the relationship, but that I was really done. And for me, it was a big, it was kind of a relief. You know, you feel like you’ve really worked through it, you’ve put the energy and effort and just yet to come to the realization that I was done. So moving forward, I had a business trip coming up. So I hadn’t really talked to him about this revelation that I had. And so I went on this business trip and I ended up meeting somebody who did make me feel special in so many different ways. I mean, on a professional level, I already knew him. It wasn’t like it was just a one night thing. At the end of the day, it was just it was almost the conclusive, okay, I really am done. Now I can’t go back because now I’ve done the same thing that my husband did to me. Okay. So this is kind of a child’s game, so to speak. But I felt really bad about what had happened. But I didn’t regret it, if that makes sense.

MEL: Yes. Let’s pause for a moment there. You felt really bad about what happened. That’s on an objective level of conscience and behavior. But you didn’t regret it because it gratified a deeper part of you. You were feeling affirmed. So that dissonance is important and important for our listeners because there’s a complexity there where things are not simply at times right or wrong, black or white.

JENNY: They’re not black or white. And as you said, not either or. It just it felt really good to be affirmed and to feel really–

MEL: Yeah, I’m better.

JENNY: Exactly. And I came back from this trip with a with a different energy. I just wow, there is hope. Not that I thought I was going to move halfway around the world, you know, to continue a relationship. But I remember I’d even called my sister, my best friend, and I had told her I was quite honest with what happened. This is how I knew also that I didn’t regret it. You know, if I was really ashamed and whatnot, I wouldn’t I don’t know that I would have told anybody that I. It was a good feeling. And she knew already all the problems that I had had in my marriage and the struggles. So so anyway, so everything in the next couple of weeks really kind of took a very downhill spiral. I don’t even know. I can’t even find the words to explain. But I ended up telling him what had happened because I just thought, OK, this is going to be I’ve already made my decision that I don’t want a marriage, but this will be the finite. There is no like I’ve now you know how it feels kind of thing. Yeah, this is what I did. And it really rocked his world. I don’t think he expected that from me, nor did I expect that of myself. But, you know, so he really flipped off the handle. And one night he decided that he wanted to write everybody in the company that I knew who this is the business trip I was a part of. So he included everybody in the company that he knew that I knew in this email, along with all of our family parents.

MEL: So he was going to sabotage your entire world and life.

JENNY: Basically, this was the aim. There’s no other way you could look at it, because it was my whole professional world. And it’s my family and his family. And yeah, he proceeded to, you know, address the other male involved. And you need to stay away from her. And by the way, did you know, you know, she has mental problems. She’s on antidepressants. And, you know, she has also a drinking problem. And my mom had called me and she said, Okay, you need to check your email, but just stay calm. Everything’s okay. I was terrified, horrified. There are no words to describe how really somebody could just try to destroy you in this way.

MEL: You know, the word unimaginable becomes overused. But in this case, it is truly unimaginable. Here’s a man who callously cheated on you. You stayed with him. He was never accountable or really apologetic. And yet when you go out and do something similar, only you had cause, whereas he didn’t. His response is he’s going to essentially try to evaporate your life, make you persona non grata to everyone, nullify you. So here we have the recurring wave collapse in your life, which is you don’t matter. And worse, he’s going to hit the delete button on your life. Right?

JENNY: Pretty much.

MEL: Wow. Please now come to the next acute event that happens.

JENNY: Yeah. So I ended up going home. I packed everything. He said, Where do you think you’re going? And he said, Well, I’m sure as hell not going to stay here. I can’t be anywhere near you. You have the kids for the next day. You figure it out. So I left because I at this point, I really didn’t know what I was going to do. Five days later, I ended up coming back to the house and I had already made plans with my mom to go out, go to a concert, you know, with this would have been on the books for a long time. And so we did that. And then I came home that evening. And my mom, she never stays the night. She never stayed the night and she decided that she was going to stay the night that night. Yeah. Thank God, because I went to bed and it felt like I was sleeping for a couple minutes. But then I grabbed the pant legs of my pajamas and basically just said, I’m fucking done. And the gun went off. Thank God the kids were with my cousin.

MEL: So at this moment, just for the listeners are clear, the gun went off. He was not aiming the gun at you. He took his own life.

JENNY: No, he took his own life and he was laying next to our bed, dead.

MEL: Wow. So this starts with your mother’s suicide attempt at the age of 16 or 17 for you. And now as you’re approaching your 40th birthday, your husband awakens you and kills himself. I guess I can’t even ask a question like, how did you feel? Because the way we normally communicate and organize feelings, they wouldn’t even correlate to that experience.

JENNY: The crazy thing is I found out and I didn’t even know this, but I found out the counselor that I had been going to see, coincidentally, also was a grief counselor. Thank God, because I was paralyzed. There was nothing that I could take. There was no Xanax. There was just nothing, nothing could take away just this numb, shocked feeling that I felt for quite some time. I just didn’t understand. I still don’t understand.

MEL: Did your thoughts ever go toward feeling any responsibility for his? So you were you feeling guilty?

JENNY: Absolutely. I mean, to think that, wow, I, you know, I really just pushed it too far.

MEL: So you pushed it too far because you had an affair or you pushed it too far? Had you told him you wanted to get divorced?

JENNY: Interestingly enough, he said he had been looking at divorce attorneys kind of in between this time. It was a very confusing time. It was like he wanted a divorce, but he didn’t want a divorce. So even when I opened up his computer, I found several tabs open for divorce attorneys.

MEL: Were you thinking you wanted a divorce?

JENNY: Oh, yeah, I knew it was over before the whole email that was sent out.

MEL: So I suspect that he knew that you knew it was over.

JENNY: Yeah, he could feel it was over.

MEL: So he was going to beat you to the punch, not actually ultimately by hiring a lawyer and suing you for divorce, but he was going to beat you to it by ending his own life. Therefore you couldn’t divorce him. Wow. There are so many places to go with that. But again, it’s a nullification of his own life, but the nullification of you. You don’t matter. You don’t even have the right to divorce him. He’s going to remove that right from you by removing his own life.

JENNY: Once again, thank God I had somebody who was familiar with grief and he had never heard of a situation like this. My grief counselor was quite in shock, he said, because normally it doesn’t work out well for both parties involved. So he said, yeah, not so many words. This was kind of a screw you in a much bigger way, clearly. But yeah, I mean, it rocked everybody’s world, everybody’s world around us. Nobody that saw anything wrong, he never talked to anybody about his up and downs and whatever. And the funny thing is he had always told me that I needed to go get help. I was the one with all the problems and and and.

MEL: So Jenny, let’s turn from this horrendous continuation of trauma and nullification and obvious challenges to your own self-worth. How do you begin to summon up resilience? How do you begin to turn a corner with I matter, I count? How do you start to shape an identity for yourself that is in any way positive?

JENNY: I think part of life’s circumstances shortly thereafter and kind of forced me to start walking a different path. I didn’t really have a choice because I found out four months later I was diagnosed with cancer. And when I heard this, many things happened in my life. A, it’s quite obvious there’s one parent here for the kids. So the kids come first. And wow, I have to beat this thing that became my main priority. So it kind of threw me out of any grieving stage that I was in. And yeah, I’m right back in the survival. You know, I’m going to beat this and that was my main goal. It’s terrifying as it was, you know, thank God I had a decent protocol. I had decent results from all the tests that I could survive through this. Was it easy? No. Yeah. One year chemotherapy, double mastectomy, radiation, you name it, all while just trying to deal with life. But as I mentioned, I think that was kind of a slingshot out of the grieving, paralyzed, stumped, shocked feeling into, okay, now you have to step up. You really have to be present for this because now we’re not joking around. Now this is like your health and your future.

MEL: And the love and responsibility you felt for your children.

JENNY: Exactly.

MEL Right. Which ironically is what your mom was incapable of because of her depression. And your father just was devoid of that capacity, as was your former husband.

JENNY: Exactly. You know, as I mentioned, our whole community, everybody was just in a world of shock when everything happened. Then when they found out I was diagnosed with cancer, it was kind of like I was just surrounded by many loving people who just wanted to help and be there because when everything happened with the suicide, I think people felt paralyzed. They didn’t really know how to help. They didn’t even know what to say. But with cancer, okay, we can be there for you. We can do this. We can do that. I really felt the love and support there. And this just helped me grow through a lot. As I mentioned, grateful for the therapy and the therapists in the world, you know, and having that relationship with a therapist prior to all of this happening, because I don’t know that I could have gone through it and come out the way that I did with some resilience. Because my current therapist that I have now, she just quite often says like, wow, you’re really one of the most resilient people that I’ve met. I don’t honestly know how I was able to get through a lot of what I got through.

MEL: So in that resilience, it seems like it’s not just getting through. It’s not simply being a survival. It sounds like there’s a piece to your personal narrative in which you’re able to reach down somewhere in yourself and start to create a new sense, a better sense around the question of who am I?
How do I want to experience my life? You know, I’ve written that who am I is the wrong question, because it provokes a fixed specific answer. And in your life, to a certain point, that would have been a negative answer. The turning for you was who do I choose to become? How do I want to experience my life? How do you free yourself from the trap of these traumas and the wave collapses? And you, it may be an unfair question, because you may not be able to pull it out and identify it. But you have an adaptability in terms of your own identity and self worth that allowed you to rethink who I choose to be. Do you have any sense of how you do that?

JENNY: I mean, I think even in the last recent years, I really struggled with, you know, when I felt that I was being judged when my work ethic or ability to perform, if any of that came into judgment, I felt crippled. I didn’t really know where it was coming from, until after therapy. And then, you know, once again, then reading your book, it kind of put everything together. I really did go back to that moment, when my whole world was crushed with college and my mom’s suicide and all of that and realized that had such an impact on my life moving forward. And then I think what I really, really recognized is that after all of these traumas, wave collapses, I was running, I was constantly afraid. I was constantly afraid of what the future holds for me, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. So maybe I was just running really fast to where that was part of my resilience. You know, I just didn’t want to stop. I knew something else bad could happen. This is really where, just coining the phrase here that you said, you know, the embrace the uncertainty.

MEL: That’s just what I was thinking at the moment, which is your shift was instead of running from the uncertain in fear, you turned and welcomed it in.

JENNY: Right.

MEL: So that’s your answer.

JENNY: This was the pivotal moment for me. And this is all within the last year. I mean, I’ve had lots of therapy since everything happened. And I always was, I would do well and then really come crashing down, really do well and really not know where these crashes were coming from. And they were a little terrifying. I would find myself in really dark places. But then, like I said, just realizing that I was a my self-worth was really my self-worth, my well-being, the who am I? It all depended on this identity that I had for myself around what I did, not who I was. And so when you take that piece out of the picture and realize that I’m loved by so many people without that, and then you stop running for a moment and just be present. This was life changing for me.

MEL: Your message then to others is don’t run, slow down and welcome it in. And there’s another piece here, the judgment piece, which comes up often in your narrative, which is the awareness, I suppose, that you’re not going to grant to other people the right to be your judge. They can think what they will. You see, it’s really that you were judging yourself and then projecting that judgment onto others. People have opinions. We all do, but they’re not your judge. And so freeing yourself from the illusion of judgment allows you to embrace the uncertainty. Just be and navigate your path. It’s a remarkable story, Jenny, of resilience and courage in the face of trauma after trauma after trauma. You should be not only pleased, but proud of yourself. You should be giving yourself a big hug and pat on the back and saying, wow, look what I have done and I look forward to the rest of my life to see how much more of that I can bring in to my relationship with myself. It is both a horrific, life defeating and life enhancing, beautiful story. You’ve had, perhaps you ought to write a book or give a TEDx talk or something to share this with more people. Of course, coming on to my podcast and sharing your story with my listeners is a wonderful start. But my thought at this moment is, there’s more for you. I encourage you to just let it percolate and think about what does more sharing look like for you? What’s the path? Because remember, the more you open into that vulnerability, which is a positive vulnerability to share, the stronger you become and the more you benefit others. I can’t imagine how many people listening to this are going to find hopefulness and courage in their own lives. It’s a blessing you’re providing for them. So thank you so much for sharing your story.

JENNY: No, really, thank you for having me. And if this sharing provides one listener hope for their future, that really means all the world to me.

MEL: Well, I promise I will stay in touch and share with you all of the positive feedback we get and thankfulness for your sharing. And let’s you and I stay in touch.

JENNY: Yes, absolutely.

MEL: I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel at melschwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple podcast, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show. And it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. And that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again, and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #96 Transcending Trauma — Defining Wave Collapses first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In episode 095 of The Possibility Principle with Mel Schwartz, my guest is sports metaphysician Laura M. Wilde.

Laura is an expert in facilitating greatness in elite athletes and teams. She helps them transform their games by using a rarely used ingredient in the formula for success: Sports Consciousness!

After years as a player and later as an NCAA basketball head coach, feeling surrounded by mediocrity led her to temporarily abandon sports.

Following a stint in law school, she eventually found her way working as a mental performance coach. Her blend of quantum physics and metaphysics elevates the minds, health, and games of the world’s best athletes.

Laura has been featured in Playa Vista Magazine, Stack Magazine, and has appeared on The Doctors, CBS LA News, and numerous podcasts.

Listen in as Laura and I discuss her focus on cultivating flow states, employing gratitude, and the tantalizing concepts of quantum entanglement and remote healing.

I’d love your feedback on our conversation! Be sure to leave a comment!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #094MEL: Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

MEL: I’ve got a great guest lined up, so let me introduce her to you. Her name is Laura Wilde. She is a sports metaphysician and she works with pro and elite athletes and coaches. She blends holistic healing, mental resilience, and flow state mastery for top competitors. She’s written several books and she created sports energy medicine as a modality to help athletes move past their limitations, injuries, and emotional blocks. She has most recently studied epigenetics energy medicine and she uses this and quantum medicine as a foundation for her work with athletes and coaches. Welcome to the podcast, Laura. What do you mean by flow?

LAURA: When I say flow, what I mean is getting into a place where you don’t know you’re in a place, right? Where you feel connected with everyone and everything. And for me, I usually use flow with athletes, right? So it’s like that blissful feeling where I can only make my shots because I’m really gone to a different realm. I would say, you know, infinite possibilities, you know, exist there in the flow state.

MEL: I interviewed someone yesterday, this episode will be playing after that episode, as where we were discussing synchronicity and synchronicity. We were both describing as a state where we get out of our own way. We’re not in the ego state of oneness. We have to remove that thought of separation to come into oneness or into flow. Do you see it that way?

LAURA: I do. I feel like the synchronicity, you know, when I have a day to 10 synchronicity, it means I wasn’t overthinking it, right? I wasn’t attached probably to certain things. And to me, the days I have most synchronicity are the days when I didn’t overschedule myself. When I allow, I do allow space for flow. So Mondays are my most synchronic days. I refuse to schedule anything on Monday. I don’t know what I’ll think. The weekend might bring me new ideas. And so I can meet people spontaneously, but I end up with so much synchronicity because I allow, you know, as you and I like would call it uncertainty. So I’m allowing for uncertain things to happen on Mondays, and they’re going to be magical.

MEL: By having nothing scheduled, your thoughts are not focusing on future moments. It’s allowing you to be present.

LAURA: M-hm, yep. And I love Mondays. Like, who loves Mondays? Me. I do.

MEL: Okay. So I had read that the Native American tribe, the Hopi Indians, had no words for past, present, or future because they didn’t break out time that way. They were present. But their expression for what we would call future would be letting come. And I was teaching that concept and people asked me, what’s that mean, letting come? I said, I suspect what it means is not being bridled by our own thoughts, by our anticipation of what we call future, and inviting the future to come, which would look like synchronicity and flow. All right? It’s like being in the current, but letting the current take you wherever it will.

LAURA: Right. You know, I’ve heard that as well. But I didn’t know that they said letting come for the future. But it’s really beautiful because that does not include the word anxiety. And so I feel like it’s an art to learn how to be present. And so it’s one of the things I work with athletes on the most. You know, how can you be present when you’re shooting a game or a game-winning potentially shot? And what I had them do is I said, well, there’s still pressure, but I want you to perceive it as joy. So let pressure show up because you can’t, I don’t know that we can really fully escape
it and live in a material world, especially in sports. Right? So I had them perceive it as, wow, this is an opportunity to be in the joy and not be attached to whether they make the shot or not. So maybe I’ll have to use that letting the shot come to you.

MEL: Letting it come, releasing the ball and letting come, embracing the flow. But coming back to anxiety, I make a distinction between stress and distress. I teach that stress is good. Stress is exhilarating. It’s the excitement. But when stress turns to distress, that’s fear and that’s anxiety.
Any word that starts with D-I-S isn’t everything. It doesn’t work out well. So when you’re working with athletes and if they are struggling, I suspect periodically they struggle around stress, distress, anxiety, fear around performance, or if they’re in a slump, how do you assist with that?

LAURA: I do the old school thing, which is let’s focus on what you’re grateful for so that you can take some of the thoughts off of yourself. I mean, cause to me it’s like, if you’re stressed, you’re in your head about something. And so I have them tap into the heart, which is usually starts with gratitude, right? Even naming people, who are you grateful for? What are the people you’re grateful for? But I also have them visualize a moment that would feel great because I really believe our subconscious mind can be easily repatterned. And you talk about this a lot in your book, how there’s pure potentiality. So if we’re in a state of distress, we probably have forgotten the pure potentiality of the next moment. And so I have them look for like, what magical things can unfold today? Because even y’know something simple like, wow, the Uber showed up three minutes early or whatever, those little tiny things that we tend to forget about, I think are the ways to start embracing new possibilities for the next moment to be better. I don’t think you have to wait for it to be better next week. You can be better in the next moment. There’s a page in your book early on where you talk about that pause, that response. And that was what kind of lured me in. I have to know, who is this guy? He’s talking my language.

MEL: If we’re speaking about the same thing I wrote, I wrote something like this. In the nanosecond between our thoughts, we exist in a state of pure potential. Now, how do we access that nanosecond? Well, one thing is we develop the ability to see our thought, quiet it, and not become the thought. If I don’t become my thought, then I am wiser. I am above thought. Thought happens, but there’s a me that’s more than my thought. I would imagine when you’re teaching gratitude, you’re working with someone and let’s suppose he’s on the foul line and tensing up before the pivotal shot, and you might instruct him to just feel gratitude. Wow, look where I am. How blessed am I to be here to focus on that, not the outcome of the shot.

LAURA: Right. Well, and I also think that by the time they get to that free throw, if I’ve been working with them, I’ve really trained them up to what I call the supra mind, S-U-P-R-A, so that it’s beyond the mind. Right. And one of the ways I have them remember that is I say, just imagine you’re like a little tiny basketball angel floating above your head. So don’t be in your body in those stressful moments. Be beyond the mind, beyond the body. Just become the witness. So witness yourself playing basketball or baseball so that you’re not in it. Right. So you can be an instrument. Right. So I say be an instrument and surrender. So let me be the cello, not the player of the cello, because the cello is not getting nervous when it’s time to play at the concert because the cello surrenders to the creator.

MEL: Great thought. So how did you come to develop these analogies? You’re teaching people to be transhuman, to rise above your physical being. Yeah. How did you come to that?

LAURA: And even metahuman. I believe a lot of this came from sitting for 10 days in silence at Vipassana. So I’ve been a meditator. I’ve been doing all the spiritual inner work, but I felt like I wasn’t getting where I wanted to. So I signed up unknowingly. I didn’t know what it was. It sounded really cool. Free vegetarian meals every day because I don’t love cooking, but I love eating good food and it’s quiet and you don’t speak. I was like, no one’s going to talk to me for 10 days. You don’t bring your phone either. And so I signed up and they’re like, yeah, you get your own room.
It just sounded phenomenal because at the time I had some roommates. I was like, I’m going to get away from everyone. And I kind of went like with an attitude, but you get there and for 10 days, you literally don’t speak. You don’t make eye contact. And it was a brilliant way for me to kind of unpack my thoughts and to become aware of what my thoughts were doing to me. Like I noticed that my thoughts were causing all of my hip pain and on day seven of being silent, I was really angry, but all these great thoughts were coming through. I had started to make way and I noticed that in an instant I had this old memory of a really stressful traumatic time and all of a sudden the pain left. And so from there, I think I just noticed there’s a lot more behind the junk and I started to tap into a higher source of thinking. So really it was just being quiet and sitting and meditating.
I didn’t know they’d make me meditate like 16 hours a day. If I had known, I wouldn’t have signed up.

MEL: That’s why they didn’t let you know. So I guess what you’re describing then is a visual that comes to mind for me is you learn how to access your energy and help others access their energy and not sublimate that or get distracted by thoughts, ego, and fear. That’s what you mean by flow. You and your energy are as one.

LAURA: Right. I think there’s this version of me who is more talented, kinder, and more fabulous. And to me, when I get in the flow state, that’s who I become is that part of me, like you said, who isn’t weighed down by the other stuff. And so flow is like meeting my higher self in a space beyond time and space because we know that in flow, time doesn’t have to exist because our prefrontal cortex stops keeping track of time.

MEL: Time doesn’t have to exist and we don’t have to imprint that construct of time on us. Time is at best, it’s relative, but beyond Einstein’s relativity. In a recent podcast, I talked about the blissful experience, the experience of falling in love and why do we experience time differently because we were absolutely present. And when we’re not present, we experience time on a whole different level. I’d make the argument that time actually doesn’t exist. The consciousness created the notion of time to organize and order our lives. And without consciousness, is there time? Time requires consciousness. Otherwise, who’s taking the measure of time?

LAURA: Who made the clock? But there is change, right? So even without time, there’s change, but change doesn’t mean time is what we’ve labeled it. We’ve labeled it like left to right in the timeline. And that’s just the way we think about it, but it doesn’t mean it’s true, y’know?

MEL: I think ultimately consciousness is the flow of the universe.

LAURA: Yeah. And consciousness is, you know, once we can all tap into that state, to me, that’s where teams win championships. And when I say consciousness, usually it’s interesting because then they think I’m not asleep, I’m awake. And I go, well, I’m talking about like consciousness with a capital C where there’s this, it’s like the breath of the universe flowing through you, right?

MEL: That’s right.

LAURA: And that’s how I look at it.

MEL: Where we are, we are at one with universal flow.

LAURA: Absolutely.

MEL: Which is when synchronicity occurs. Could you talk a bit about your work using a phrase I use, you do too, perhaps quantum entanglement. How do you employ that in your work?

LAURA: Quantum entanglement is one of my favorite terms of quantum mechanics, quantum physics. The way I dumb it down for myself, not for anyone else so that I can capture it is basically what it means is, right, we’re so connected that something I do can affect something someone
else does across the land. So I’ve been trained in this and it’s funny, I think everyone has this skill, they just don’t realize it, right? So I’ve been trained in remote healing techniques so that I don’t have to be with my athletes. You know, when I work for teams and athletes, I can go to the game and be sitting in row 37, section 108 and potentially this is what they’ve experienced and I’ve experienced. They hurt their knee and they can go back into the game. Like remote healing, it seems really woo-woo and I go, well, yeah, it is woo-woo, that’s cool. Woo-woo is the new science, right? It’s okay to be woo-woo. For me, quantum entanglement is, and I’ve heard one time someone said, if there’s even one little tiny atom of you that’s ever been with an atom of the other person, you’re connected. So if I walk past a person and fly this to California and then one day they’re in China, then every person they’ve walked past in China is quantumly entangled with me, right? And so the idea is that it’s more than six degrees of separation, it’s far fewer than that, right? It’s zero degrees of separation for all beings in some way, shape or form. But what I’ve noticed is that using quantum entanglement allows me to shift the tendons or the cells in another person’s wrists and help it heal. And we’ve seen remarkable results, not only in real life anecdotal, but in studies.

MEL: Do you believe that quantum entanglement could occur between yourself and someone who you’ve never been in proximity to?

LAURA: I absolutely do. The thing would be whether or not I’ve ever been in proximity to them or anyone they know, I think it’s still possible. I had a guy that worked at NASA and he does mental performance training. And I said, Hey, I want to work with the astronauts. And he said, you can heal someone on the moon? And I said, probably. I mean, why? If quantum entanglement means no space or separation, why would the moon be too far? Just because it’s far to me doesn’t mean it’s far to consciousness, you know?

MEL: Correct. That’s right. Consciousness prevails. So in that case, perhaps there is no spatial differential. It is as one, right?

LAURA: Yeah.

MEL: So, you know, I’m fond of saying when we talk about mind-body connection or connectivity, I object to that term mind-body connection because if there’s no separation, we shouldn’t use the word connection. You know, a tunnel or a bridge connects two pieces of land that are separate.
If there’s no separation, we have to stop using the word connection.

LAURA: I agree with you. People always say the mind-body connection and it’s become a really popular term. And I do mind-body healing, but it’s almost like I describe it that way because if I didn’t, people might not know that I meant that. And so it’s interesting, right? Sometimes our language is a reflection of our audience more than the truth, but it gets them to there, right? Like I never say I’m a healer because I don’t believe I’m a healer. I just point out to your body how healed you already are. But then I’ll meet someone, explain what I do. And then, you know, two days later, hey, I found a healer who can help me. And I’ll go, oh, interesting. Well, I never told them I was a quote healer because I’m not, I’m an observer, which heals, right? But they didn’t understand it. And so then it’s funny, you know, right? I have to change my language so people understand it. But you know, back to the mind-body connection, they are one already, right? They’re never worth separating. They are just, they are, right?

MEL: I always had a picture of men wearing neckties, which I could never wear. And I thought the necktie is so symbolic of cutting off the mind and the body. But even then we misuse the word mind.

LAURA: Right. Where is that?

MEL: Mind to brain. Consciousness has nothing to do with brain. Consciousness prevails even when the brain isn’t operating. So the words matter so much. I think that’s why we struggle with this paradigm shift. You know, I’ve given talks and written articles about the two be verbs, is, are, am, was, be, been. These are the only verbs that are inert and show no movement. So when people ask, why are we so slow in this paradigm shift, which has taken centuries, I say, because every sentence we use as a true be verb in it, it gets us stuck. We say, I am, or you are, it’s fixed. It’s objective.
It’s not in flow. So it’s critical to be cautious about using those two be verbs and to say, I see, I think, I believe, where we’re taking participatory ownership. And I think that induces more entanglement.

LAURA: Fascinating. Yeah. I hadn’t thought about it that way because I use I am to kind of hold space without anything following that. Right. I am, is a sentence, you know, and I think, which could be the equivalent of I exist. Right. When I say I am, I kind of mean, I think I am conscious, I exist.
Right. And so you’re right. The language is so far behind where we as humans are really like catapulting out into the universe and the cosmos to create new ways of living. You know, the language hasn’t kept up at all. And I get a little frustrated.

MEL: And you think about relationships and I think about what is most destructive in relationships and the default to the need to be right. So listen to the words, I am right, which means you are wrong. How’s that going to work out? So if we drop the to be verbs and said, I struggle to appreciate how you’re seeing me. There’s no to be verb in there. It’s subjective. We can communicate that way. I am right. That’s the end of the conversation.

LAURA: Yeah. Big, huge exclamation point follows that.

MEL: Absolutely. So is there anything new on the horizon for you? Any new ventures you’re looking at? What’s on your wishlist?

LAURA: I wrote a book called The Cosmic Athlete and a lot of people like it, but a lot of people say, what are you talking about? So I thought, you know, I should put it into more practical terms and just call it what it is. Woo woo mental performance. So I’m working on a book that talks something about that because I also believe, you know, like you, I believe quantum physics. When we use it right, allows us to shift the way we live our lives and whether or not someone believes in quantum physics or knows about it, we are always operating within its principles on one level or another.
So I’d like to point out how peak performance, you know, can really shift the way we play sports and the way we achieve and the way we win. So I think that’s kind of what I’m working on now.

MEL: So Laura, do you work with peak performance in are as other than with athletes? Are you busy enough that you’ve got as much as you can handle? I know Mondays you have no appointments.

LAURA: I make no appointments on Mondays so I can live a life free and full of uncertainty. Actually I did regular healing work for a very long time before I dove back into sports because I used to play college basketball. I was a coach and I went away from that a little bit, but then I realized I missed basketball. So I tied it back together. So yes, I work with all kinds of people. A lot of my clients that I work with are from before and they just love it because I believe I have to grow, right? I don’t want to see a client for five years. That means they have to be growing and I have to be growing in order for that to make sense. So I do have clients that roll back through who don’t like sports. They don’t even know, you know, the Lakers in the playoffs right now. But I think this work, this peak performance work can help with every human because once we show up as a human, I mean, just think how hard it is to stay alive enough to have a child, right? And then for that person to stay alive and have children. So generations upon generations had to live and survive for us to show up. So we’re such a rare miracle. And so I tell my clients, you’re an athlete, we’re all athletes on some level, you know, because we made it here and being human, I wouldn’t say it’s hard, but I feel like it’s challenging.

MEL: And challenging for so many reasons when sometimes people talk about human nature in a pejorative way or critical way, you know, it’s human nature. My response is we may be in our infancy if we survive. And to look at a three or four year old child and think there’ll be no further development would be an error and say that’s human nature, you know. So yes, for most of humankind’s history, survival was the issue. Now I think the issue is the paradigms with which we think, the belief systems, egocentricity, toxic individualism, greed is what puts us all at risk, which is the opposite of the quantum inseparability.

LAURA: Right. We’re actually three years old with this sort of egoic living. And you know, I used to really want to live to be 300. And now I look around and I go, well, only if I can really be part of a catalyst for change because when I notice how stressed out and anxious the average person is, we
really need to have this awakening that happens a little more quickly. I’m, you know, I’m kind of impatient and then I have to look and see what I can do. How can I change that? So for me, really it’s teaching people how to get into the flow state on command. That’s where I put most of my time and effort. The healing stuff is great, but there are other people who do great healing. So I do that with my athletes, but I don’t need to be the leader on healing. It’s convenient to have that skill set, right? But I feel that, you know, helping people understand why getting into the flow state
or the zone can change their lives. It can help them feel magical, intuitive. It helps them, you know, feel more healthy, more connected. And for me, that’s kind of the little corner of the world that I’m looking to improve is to help more people get into flow.

MEL: If you help more people in flow, it shifts the energy of the universe.

LAURA: Absolutely. That’s my belief.

MEL: You know, the expression of don’t ever think that a few people can’t change the universe. Only a few people actually ever have.

LAURA: I think it’s Eleanor Roosevelt who said that.

MEL: Yeah, which is we are part of the one and inseparable, but that doesn’t deny our uniqueness. We can be inseparable and unique. And I think that’s an important message for people to have and flow requires absence of fear.

LAURA: Right.

MEL: I guess you might say, I’ve said you can’t be in flow and fear at the same time.

LAURA: Absolutely not.

MEL: I don’t know if it would take too much time for you, but you might think about giving some TEDx talks.

LAURA: I’ve wanted to do one for 10 years, but I didn’t know what to talk about. And I also think, well, am I enough of an expert at this or that, can I make it about sports? So it’s funny. I’m glad you said that because that is the extra kick in the butt I needed.

MEL: Right. So that thought, am I enough of an expert? There you see the fearful limiting thought. Wrong question to ask yourself. So the question you might ask is, would I enjoy doing this?

LAURA: Actually I would. Right. I love public speaking. I want to share stuff. Right. And to me, what I come to experience as mostly inner peace. I mean, I tend to be a person who’s kind of on edge, overthinking things, but because of flow state, right, I’ve still been able to accomplish, I would say in spite of myself, I’ve been able to move beyond my tendency toward distress. And to me, if I can help other people experience that, like, wow, what a world we can create.

MEL: That’s exciting and all full of infinite potentiality.

LAURA: Right.

MEL: That’s the stuff of life. That’s the excitement.

LAURA: Yeah. Right. That’s living in the quantum field. Right. That’s allowing the quantum to be a vehicle. Right. The idea of using, to me, using quantum tools as a vehicle is really important. I did a talk a while ago to a bunch of artists and I said, let’s take quantum leaps in life
from now on. And I’m such an impatient person. Right. Things move slowly. I want us to like not wait a year for the next big thing. Let’s have it happen in a week or a month. And it’s to me in that way, it’s like, it’s not shrinking time. It’s leaping beyond time. Because I think we have these expectations that time creates this pattern. And if we can break out of time, we can leap to the next thing more quickly. Does that make sense?

MEL: I agree completely. I often have an issue with what I would call gradualism, slow, steady progress. My attitude is no. Why don’t we try to facilitate defining moments and breakthrough as soon as possible? Why delay that gratification? So slow and steady, obviously sometimes that makes sense. If you’re driving through an ice storm, yes, slow and steady. And in life, why gradual? And it’s because the fast fault into that progress takes us out of our familiar zone and then it creates a discomfort with uncertainty. So they all correlate.

LAURA: Not everyone can handle the uncertainty and the discomfort. So I noticed in the NBA, things tend to move slowly when it comes to a team. Hey, we’re going to rebuild so that in three to five years, we can be poised for a championship. But my thought is, well, if every single player understood how they could take quantum leaps, not just practice for 100 hours to be 100 hours better, but practice for 100 hours to be 1000 hours better. If you practice in flow state, these types of things can be sped up. And just sports are very important and then they’re also not important at the same time. But I think sports for me, it’s a platform where we can see what’s possible in a place where it’s not really life or death. I believe the athletes are out there, they’re warriors for their game, for what they love doing. It’s really a metaphor for life. And if we can use sports as that metaphor and see what’s possible, for me, that’s where sports is so important. Because when people do things in sports, people who don’t do sports take notice and they might incorporate that stuff in their lives.

MEL: So for the listeners who may be thinking, well, what is a quantum leap? A quantum leap doesn’t simply mean a largely, it means a discontinuous leap. So in other words, it’s nonlinear, it’s not predictable. We’re releasing fear and apprehension, cause and effect, and this is discontinuous leap. It goes from here to, holy shit, how did it end up over there? That’s what the quantum leap is.

LAURA: Absolutely. Right. And that’s where I feel like with reading your book, you talk about embracing uncertainty and people I think think, oh, that’s dangerous, but to me, it allows for infinite possibilities that I may not have considered. So embracing uncertainty has always ended up really great for me because I do it fully. I’m going to embrace uncertainty, be willing to not know, but also be willing to, with peace and grace, experience something magical and magnificent.

MEL: People worry about the consequences of their actions or embracing uncertainty, but they don’t pay any attention to the consequences of our inaction. What are the consequences of what I don’t say? What are the consequences of what I choose not to do? They are as prevalent as the true passive consequence, the consequence of inaction and the consequence of not taking a risk and not taking a chance. That has a consequence too. It stagnates life and leads to depression and loss of wonder and loss of curiosity.

LAURA: Right. Yeah. For me, choosing certainty and being rigid, that’s the more scary part to know what’s going to happen every day. I don’t know that the word is fear to describe that, but that maybe it is, that terrifies me. If I knew what I was going to do every day for the next month, wow, I’m the opposite. Right. So my value is uncertainty far more. My brother makes fun of me because I might call him at seven o’clock at night and say, hey, can you help me out? Like, hey, what are you doing? Well, I just landed and I need to rent a car. Oh, what day? Now. Right. And he’s like, you embrace uncertainty too much because I’m often pulling over to rest stop to book a hotel for that night because I wasn’t sure I was going to be in an upstate New York last week. So this new way of since the lockdowns now, Delta Airlines allows me to cancel and rebook. I mean, my life has gotten so good that I can, I can be uncertain about airfare and flights. And so, you know, at any given time I have seven or eight flights. If I call into the airlines, they laugh, go, you can’t go to these two places at one time. I go, I know I’m going to cancel them, but I wasn’t sure. Do I want to go to Miami for this or New York for that? And so, you know, I live up the uncertainty maybe more than most people feel comfortable with, but it’s okay. It works for me and I embrace it.

MEL: So in quantum physics, that’s called super position. The state of all possibilities exists until in physics is until we make an observation that causes what’s called the wave collapse. The state of possibility gets reduced to something tangible. So you’re trying your best to keep your state of superposition always at play so that you can collapse the reality at the moment of your choosing, maybe later rather than sooner. It’s like juggling a lot of balls. You’re enjoying the juggling.

LAURA: Absolutely. I do. You know, it’s funny you say that about superposition because one of my friends said, you know, you should on Instagram, you should say, I help athletes find their superposition in life. And I thought, well, that’s funny because it’s really a paradox, right? Because if you find the superposition, you didn’t, there’s nothing to find. It’s not quite there. And that’s where I think the remote healing works, right? You want to collapse the waves. So if my ankle hurts, my ankle doesn’t realize the possibility. So I want to collapse the waves from all five bodies, the cosmic body, the super mental, our mental and emotional body so that the physical body kind of sees through the muck and you know, the fear, sadness and doubt and worry to, I would say the cosmos or the quantum potentiality of being healthy and healed. And that collapsing of the waves can be done from far away. That’s where remote healing to me makes so much sense, right? Now the ankle has seen, I call it the cosmos, the ankle, the injured ankle when we collapse the way is aware of the, maybe it’s the superposition of, I could be healthy tomorrow instead of in nine months.
And once we show our body parts, which are energy, right? They’re pure potentiality as well. Then we can have these miraculous recoveries. And to me, that’s what, you know, spontaneous healing really probably is, you know, the waves collapse suddenly and the person healed overnight and doctors go, well, we don’t know why, but they kind of brushed under the rug, right? Cause it, it freaks out our mind. And so it’s almost like, well, I don’t think I saw that.

MEL: Because we of course confuse our physical being as being material or matter rather than energy. And, you know, ancient Chinese traditions of energy, you know, don’t think it’s strange in the 1960s pioneers in consciousness studies discovered remote view it, that there are people, if you can give them, they can sit in a dark room. And if you give them coordinates of a spot, 11,000 miles away, they could actually tell you exactly what was there. They can zoom into that spot. And then the CIA learned that and they got involved in remote viewing, believe it or
not. The world that was turning on to acid and consciousness became an area that the CIA became interested in.

LAURA: And also the electric guitar came around around that time and the electric guitar as sound vibration and sound healing shifted us out of some of the fear. And so of course, you know, people didn’t always like rock and roll, but I think sound will become like the defining thing that can connect us all. I think sound can guide us out of whatever human crisis we might be in right now, because sound can unite us, but it can elevate us and it elevates us out of darkness. Not that I don’t embrace darkness and those dark moments sometimes are part of what brings a bigger light, right? At the end of the day, but I believe sound can really be helpful. And I’ve been playing around with that too. I make all my athletes get these tuning forks of 528 Hertz. And it’s like, look, if you’re going to work with me, stuff’s going to get weird because if it’s not weird, just be like any other athlete. You know, I’m not here for mediocrity or for it to be regular. I’m here for you to be a sustainable champion, right? Where you can continue to be a champion over and over again. It’s not like, oh, this wasn’t our year. No, it’s always your year because you are the only thing that exists. Right? And so I have them do these things. Get a tuning fork and you’re going to see how it can raise the vibration of your heart or your knee. And so when they get injured, I’m training them to use these things. And so that way they feel like there’s a little more tangibility, right?
Because athletes really live in a material world where their body is their moneymaker. Their physical world is the most important thing. But then when they tap into beyond that, to the supermind and the cosmos, they start to feel invincible. And I think that’s really key. If you can be an athlete who feels invincible, that spreads to your teammates, even if they don’t know why, when they’re in your presence, it spreads and they feel it too.

MEL: So as you were describing, here’s where my thought went. Have you ever worked with two athletes who are actually in a game competing against one another?

LAURA: Yeah, you know what happened? I think I can not do this anymore. Somehow, they both got kicked out of the game in the first quarter. My uncle was laughing, he goes, there’s your quantum physics. What a great trainer you are, Laura. We were laughing about it though.

MEL: Yeah, well, there must be a phenomenon in the quantum world about what happens when two particles are in a reactive state with each other. I don’t know about that science, but that might be interesting to look into. There’s so much we could talk about. And I think my thought that’s coming to mind now is I’d like to have you back on again so we could explore other areas because it’s fun pioneering in the field of energy.

LAURA: It is, it is. It’s a lot of fun. And so often I think, wow, if I was right now, if I was 25 and interested in this, just think of where I could go. But then I go, you know, if time doesn’t exist, I’m 25 now. So I use it to my advantage, Mel.

MEL: Yeah, don’t put an age on it. If anyone wants to follow your work or contact you, of course, I’ll have the information in the notes of the podcast, but is there any reference that you want to share right now as to how people can follow your work?

LAURA: Well, I think the easiest way is on Instagram, which where it’s Laura Mitchell Wilde, because there I have a link to everything else, including I’ll have a link to this podcast.

MEL: Okay. And I will have one, of course, as well.

LAURA: Oh, and Wild has an E at the end, like Oscar Wilde. Yes. It’s good to know.

MEL: He’s quite an interesting character.

LAURA: Yes, as was Stuart Wilde, the original metaphysicist and author. And my favorite book that Stuart Wild wrote was, The Trick to Money is Having Some. And then he wrote another book called Silent Power. And that book showed me, you know, how stillness can be really powerful for us to become our best selves. But I would love to talk to you anytime about all this stuff and more, because like I said, I have two copies of your book, one for the bookshelf and one for my hand, because I’m constantly holding the book, looking at it and getting excited about life again.

MEL: Well, send me an email with your address and I’ll send you a lot of books.

LAURA: And I will, I do want to really quickly mention that I send your book to general managers of MBA teams that I want to talk to. Because it’s like, you guys have to read this first or you won’t know a thing about what I say.

MEL: No, I can see that you’re trying to platform what you’re going to say, but read this and then you’ll understand what I’m going to say.

LAURA: And you did it perfectly.

MEL: I’m happy to help.

LAURA: Yeah, that’s great. Yeah, thank you so much. I really appreciate your work and your willingness to share from the field where sometimes sharing at this level, get you some extra looks. So thanks for being brave and pioneering.

MEL: I encourage those strange looks. It makes it all more fun.

LAURA: Absolutely.

MEL: Thanks for coming on. Have a great day.

LAURA: Thanks Mel.

The post #95 Consciousness, Flow, and Optimal Performance first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 094 of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz features a conversation with the personal coach, YouTuber, and Instagrammer Leonardo Morán.

Together, Leonardo and I discuss intention, manifesting, the mysterious power of the mind and consciousness, and the potentially life-enriching acausal qualities of synchronicity.

I welcome your comments on everything Leonardo has to say!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #094MEL: Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

About a month ago, I had a fascinating interview with Mr. Leonardo Moran. It was a compelling and exciting discussion and at the end of our meeting, to my utter dismay and laughing at my own ineptness, I realized I never hit the record button. So I had to invite him back on, but I also realized that we had been talking a lot about synchronicity and perhaps it wasn’t an error. Perhaps it was synchronicity at play. We’ll explore that.

But let me tell you a bit about Leonardo. He was born in Lima, Peru. He studied engineering and in doing so was introduced to the field of quantum physics, which caused him to question, of course, the nature of reality. And in his quest for answers, he delved into a lot of literature, including books on the works of and philosophers and authors such as Alan Watts, Neville Goddard, Jacobo Grinberg and Bruce Lipton, whose name has been coming up a lot, one of the pioneers in the field of epigenetics.

For a number of years, Leonardo held the position of technology director at an institute where his primary objective is to incorporate technology into the realm of education. He loves to talk about quantum physics and how it has influenced the shift in his thinking from classical thought to quantum thought and how our inner dialogues with ourselves shape and materialize the world we inhabit.

So welcome to The Possibility Podcast, Leonardo.

LEONARDO: Thank you very much, Mel. I’m so excited to be here and just enjoy our conversations, you know, because I think it’s just like a big flow, common knowledge and interest in how our mind processes this reality. And you know, every day that passes by, I’m more convinced that we are capable of influencing with our thoughts, the reality, like, and I see it in a day by day cases. And when I speak to people, when I have relationships with people, how those synchronicities that you were talking about just show up. And many times, many things just get projected in our reality and it comes up to us to pay attention to those. And if we do, then we can see a shift in what we think wasn’t possible or was possible.

MEL: So as you were saying that about our thoughts and how they inform and shape the reality, I was thinking about these divides that we make, Leonardo, between inner and outer. And my belief is that we construct all of these divisions. So we have this term inner, inner reality. My thoughts, of course, inform who I am, how I feel about myself, how I perceive others. My thoughts falsely, literally inform me of objective truths. We construct these divides between what we call inner reality and outer reality. The words are part and parcel of the construct of a mind. So although I may say inner reality and outer reality, aren’t they really ultimately all the same?

So my thoughts inform and trick me in that they’re teaching me the truth. That’s what we call literal thought or what David Bohm called literal thought. Participatory thinking is I’m having a thought which is telling me such and such. So that informs my inner mindscape. But there is no division in my thought, Leonardo, because the outer landscape is inseparable from my inner landscape. Do you see it that way?

LEONARDO: I would say that we drag a lot of teachings and we drag a lot of paradigms and dogmas. I think they influence so much our thoughts. They put them in boxes. And sometimes those thoughts are so solid that it’s very difficult for us, even when you start learning new processes of thinking, to escape from that blockage. I think that I’ve developed an advanced thought process. And many times I wake up and I wake up with that anchor of 20 years, 30 years of some type of thinking, of me believing in what reality is. But then it’s up to me to kind of like shake it a little bit and say, like, oh, you know what? No, let’s get rid of these labels. Let’s get rid of these anchors. And that’s when I can shift into a different reality and a different way of seeing reality. I think that’s the issue. There’s many people that never even get to that thought process. They just accept what things are as what they were told.

MEL: So that is consensual reality. What the majority of people agree reality is, and there’s a conformity that chokes us. It chokes our intelligence and our innate wisdom conformity. So that you’re talking about the societal limitations. They teach us a certain way of thinking and seeing reality. So as I know, you appreciate there are many ways of thinking. And the first you said to most people, they’re perplexed. What do you mean there are many ways of thinking? So in Western culture, dating back perhaps to Aristotle, we were taught the paradigm of either or thinking, reality based duality, which is good, bad. And out of that came what I call either or thinking. So when I’m asked an either or question, it would be, well, do you think this is good or do you think it’s bad? That’s an either or question. So it takes reality and it compartmentalizes it into two separate compartments. And then we’re given a choice, choose door A or door B. So I trained my mind to resist either or thinking. And I’m kind of fond of saying either and or, either and slash or, because I try to think in as whole a picture as I can. So my retraining of mind is to do all I can to avoid reducing and creating compartments to try to see in the biggest picture. And then when I do, I can then reduce it. I can analyze when I choose to as not as my default mode, but I select to analyze after I’ve seen the bigger. And I think the way we’re trained is otherwise. You’re trained to slice and dice and analyze and look in cause and effect. Do you see that differently?

LEONARDO: I see it the same way from the point like Newton, like Newtonian physics, where you get the formula and that’s the answer. It’s just like so straight. Newton was used to subdividing things and making it so mechanical that you’re constrained to a box. That’s it. There’s nothing else. I think when you are able to see it from a quantum perspective where there’s infinite possibilities and infinite potentials, you’re able to see even like the superposition of either or, or at the same time, the same thing, you know, both states. I think that kind of like liberates you and gives you more options in this world.

MEL: For the benefit of our listeners, when you’re talking about superposition, in quantum physics, superposition speaks to a condition of infinite possibility where the actual concrete reality hasn’t yet manifested. It’s in an infinite position, meaning it’s above a material reality. It’s superimposed, waiting to happen. So as you and I have discussed, for me, superposition comes from being able to suspend the space between my thoughts. When I can access the space between my thoughts, I feel in the state of superposition. I’m not reacting. I’m not surrendering to all thought. I’m quieting myself. And in that state of superposition, in a nanosecond between the thoughts, pure possibility exists. Can you speak to your work, your interest, your passion around synchronicity and how that may access the state of superposition?

LEONARDO: I think that I’m very open-minded, you know, and when I talk about, you know, the process of manifesting something that you want and you are in that open state that everything is possible, because many times people focus on the infinite possibilities of something that’s not going to happen. And they look at all the problems that can happen, right? I stop myself there. And if I have any questions on that, I will say, you know what, if I’m seeing that there might be problems showing up, I’m going to write them and I’m going to find a solution for all these problems. And then from there, I’m going to focus on the infinite possibilities that are also possible, but focus on those. So when I’m in that state of already saying anything is possible, and I’m in this flow, I’m aware of my environment. Because I’ve seen in my life, when I’m in that state, in that flow, things begin to happen, things begin to project, things begin to synchronize, you know, I see a number, I see an ad, I see somebody shows up, somebody calls me, you know, and I pay a lot of attention of those details, you know, it’s kind of like, if you’re going to the store, and you were looking for a product, and all of a sudden you see that the Coca Cola is in the beer, and you say, why is this Cola in the beer? And you say, you could just let it pass by.

But because you were so in that process of looking for something, if you take time and ask the manager and say, why is this product in this other place, he will come up with something that was in relation to what you were looking for. And I’ve seen it, and I’ve seen that happen in my life, you know, we were talking about last time about that whiteboard, a famous whiteboard that I was looking for. My objective was to go to a store, an office store that sells whiteboards. So on my way to the store, I’m walking towards the store, and I see them from my side, from the right side, I see a bucket of roses in front of a store that has nothing to do with whiteboards. And I said, huh, that’s strange. Why would they be selling flowers in the store? I go into the office store, and I look at all the boards, they had like 30 boards, I didn’t like any one. But on my way out, I catch that bucket now with my left eye, and keep walking, I say, wait a second, why is that bucket in front of the store? So it’s kind of like a hunch, you know, like, why is it? So I’m going to find out. So I go to the store, and start looking at all the stuff that they sell, nothing to do with whiteboards. But in the store, I find that whiteboard that I wanted. So it’s those little things that you have to pay attention. It’s something that you are doing that is creating that synchronicity, and it’s showing up in your field of view.

MEL: So in that narrative, how would you explain that then to the listener? They will have questions at this moment, I would think. So Leonardo, are you saying that the roses are there for a reason? Were they there to catch your attention if you’re in flow? But they weren’t intended for anyone else, just intended for you.

LEONARDO: Exactly. Because in my life, I have seen these things suddenly appear. I’ve talked to many people where they would say, I’m very interested in somebody that was born in Brazil. And all of a sudden, in my life, everything is showing up something from Brazil. I go somewhere and somebody starts talking about, you like the food from Brazil. Or I go to my house and my daughter says, oh, have you heard this song from Brazil? So all these things start showing up, and it’s like, how is that happening? Why is that happening? And it’s you projecting that in your life.

It’s very interesting because when you go through the thought process or one of the interpretations that this is a hologram, there is an interpretation that it’s a hologram. There’s many neuroscientists, like Karl Pribram, he also talks about the holographic brain. And he worked with David Bohm that talks about the holographic universe. So when you start putting those two together, and you give it a chance, you know, say, okay, if this is a hologram, let’s force my thought into bending, you know, the interference patterns to create something, to manifest something in my life.

MEL: So for the benefit of the listener who’s not familiar with synchronicity, or the quantum features we’re talking about, I’d like to share that the word, or term, synchronicity, I believe was coined by the great psychoanalyst Carl Jung. And his example of synchronicity was this.

He was working with a patient, a woman who was stuck in her logical, rational mindset. And she was not in touch with her feelings or intuitive being. And she, in a session, began to describe a piece of jewelry, a ring, which had the form of a scarab. And as she’s talking about it, there’s a tapping on the window behind Professor Jung. And he turns around and opens the window, and the beetle, scarab, crawls into his hand, and he says to her, here’s your scarab, which drove her out of her rational, logical mindset and opened her up.

Now in that case, we could say, all right, in our rational mindset, we don’t understand the role of the scarab and how the scarab managed to appear at Jung’s window. It’s beyond our linear comprehension. But we can embrace the mysticism and say, it’s beyond our understanding, but there is no clear cause and effect. So the term synchronicity meant that it’s what Jung called an acausal connection, meaning there’s no cause and effect. And it’s beyond writing it off to coincidence. But he said it has to have a numinous quality. Numinous means it is profoundly personal and of importance to you, the experiencer of the synchronicity.

I’ve had certain synchronicities in my life. I remember decades ago going to Kripalu, which is a yoga institute in the Berkshire Mountains in Massachusetts with a friend of mine who was not inclined to that kind of experience. He woke up one morning and he shared a dream with me. And the dream was about the fact that he was going on a boat ride, and my former wife was on the boat with him, and he had a prize bird. And he didn’t want to lose the bird on the boat ride. It was a ferry. And he took the bird and put it in his eyeglass case, and he wrapped up the eyeglass case. And he asked me to interpret the dream, which I did. And it was around personal matters in his own life. Well, my interpretation further was that the bird symbolized freedom for him because he was contemplating divorce at that time.
But he couldn’t deal with the tension around it. And he decided to wrap it up and put it away so he couldn’t see it for the time being. So he said, ah, interesting. And we walked out of the room down toward breakfast. And breakfast in those years, perhaps it still is, was a large, large cafeteria where meals were eaten in silence. And as we walked into the cafeteria, there’s a large blackboard with these words written on it.

Chirp, chirp, chirp.
Good morning, little birdie.

And I looked at Charles and I said, there’s synchronicity. Now, of course, they didn’t write that on the blackboard for Charles or myself. The Scarab didn’t locate Carl Jung’s office to help him in his session. And I’m going to say, whoever put the roses out there wasn’t operating in a cause and effect way. They put the roses out there. There’s something larger that we don’t see at work. And when you talk about flow, Leonardo, my understanding of flow is that if you get out of your own way and you open your aperture to the widest view possible and quiet your thoughts, then you become at one with the universe. Is that description accurate? Or would you edit that and put it differently?

LEONARDO: I would edit it a little bit more, kind of go like in more in a personal way where we’re used to subdivide ourselves into millions and billions of people. Right. So then you feel that you’re just one of many. So when you’re the central piece in this creation and that you’re just one focus like in this general consciousness. But at this moment, I’m acting as the main character in my own personal movie. Then I can empower myself and say, what do I want to see today? Right. Because everybody else is going to be a secondary character in my life.

MEL: Now that I think is simple yet brilliant at the same time. I think that really nails it. So as you’re saying that, my thought was ego, another construct we made up, but ego speaks to my extreme focus on self and extreme focus on self separates me from the universe, from nature, from humankind, from everything. So what you’re describing then is you are not focused on self. You release that to an extent, allowing you to become attuned to what is around you.

LEONARDO: It’s kind of like you separate yourself from the movie because we’re used to get lost in the movie. The same way that when you go to the theater and you get trapped into the emotions of a adventure movie or anything, and all of a sudden you don’t realize, I want to go see a movie, like say Batman, and I’m trapped into the emotions. When I realize it, I say, go back and release your emotions and look at the movie instead of being trapped in the emotions. So on a day on day basis, we get confused by our thoughts and our emotions. And we believe we are thought and our emotions. And that is the movie and what one should do is just take a step back and be the projector of the movie and not the movie.

MEL: I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you a gift to one of the following, the power of mind, a live talk that I gave, or one of my digital eBooks, creating authentic self-esteem, overcoming anxiety, or raising resilient children. And lastly, cultivating resilient relationships. Once you have subscribed, please send an email to mel at mel schwartz.com and just let me know which gift you’d prefer. Thanks.

MEL: So if I went to watch Batman and didn’t allow myself any emotions, I wouldn’t make a very good spectator in that movie, would I?

LEONARDO: I think it’s subliminally, you know, there’s a lot of emotions and a lot of messages that just try to drag you somewhere. That’s part of the movie effect, right? So they want, they want to take you somewhere.

ME: And interestingly, we go to movies to relieve ourself of our focus on self so we can lose ourself in the drama and story about others. So if we notice, if we learn to see our thought, to see our feeling and see our reaction, we are aware of it. We are not nullifying or denying it, but we see it, then we don’t have to become it. We can transcend thought and feeling by in that nanosecond of seeing it. Is that a technique you employ or do you not have to do that? It feels effortless for you.

LEONARDO: With practice, it becomes effortless. I think I’ve been trying to develop an awareness of the writer, you know, awareness of who’s in the backseat of the observer of this. And I think when one starts to detach himself of labels too, right? Because you go to sleep, you fall out of consciousness. And then when you wake up, the first thing you see is they scan your room and everything is like my book, my shoes, my laptop, my, my, my, my. And you start to identify and like kind of like solidify him. Like if you fall asleep and you had a toothache, when you wake up, if the pain didn’t wake you up, sometimes you wake up and you’re like, where’s the ache? There’s the ache, right? You start, oh, there it is. I’ve had cases where I would be like a Saturday and I woke up and I had a terrible back pain, like a kidney. And I, oh my, it hurts so bad. It hurts so bad. Throughout the day, I’m constantly thinking about that pain and I’m feeling that pain. And then I go to sleep or I sneeze or cough and it really hurts. I have to go Monday to the doctor to see somebody. And I sleep on that side and it really hurts, you know, like, oh, I can’t even bear putting on that. And then the next morning I stop myself and I say, what are you doing? You’re so focused on the pain, you know? And I said, from now on, I’m not going to think about the pain. I’m just going to eat that pain, absorb that pain, and at the same time, I’m going to say I have nothing. I’m not going to let my imagination saying, oh, what possibly could I have? It must be a kidney stone. It must be this. It might be that, you know? And just really believe that I have nothing, okay? And the process of that, the pain goes away.

MEL: I’ve had an experience where at a very important time in my life, I was about to start graduate school but at middle age and I started to develop this debilitating pain in my stomach and there didn’t appear to be any medical explanation. And I was in therapy at the time. My therapist proposed to me that the pain had to do with my relationship with the pain because my story was if this doesn’t go away in four days, I can’t start the semester. I’m 42 years old. I can’t wait another year. And he said to me, invite the pain in. Embrace it. Welcome it. Make it your ally. Don’t fight it. And I laid in bed and I did that visualization where I’m not making war. I’m not fearful. You’re here for a reason. Come on in. And that was it. It was gone. Now I’m not suggesting that there aren’t physical realities to pain in many cases but we have a relationship with it.

LEONARDO: David Hawkins has a book about that. I don’t remember the title but chapter 10 is about pain and he talks about that. He talked about the whole process of accepting it and welcoming it and in that process, like the pain goes away, right?

ME: Yes. So we know, we understand that our relationship with fear is the issue. It’s not the fear. It’s the relationship with it. Our relationship with discomfort when I’m trying to assist people in their change process, whatever it’s about, ultimately, why do they not take the necessary actions? Because it’s not in their familiar zone. It makes them uncomfortable. And when I ask them, well, why didn’t you try what we were discussing? They’ll say, it made me feel uncomfortable. My response, which might be quizzical, would be embrace the discomfort. Physically people work out, they do yoga, we embrace intense discomfort if there’s physical gain. We need to do the same emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, right?

Leonardo used the term consciousness before. I believe in what I call shared meaning, which is that we use words and concepts and they mean different things to all of us. Consciousness has been on my mind a lot recently. I’m a member of the International Society for Consciousness Studies, which is a scientific confederation of scholars who study consciousness. Consciousness in that case is not confined or perhaps doesn’t even originate in our physical being. What does the word consciousness mean to you?

LEONARDO: I think it’s that infinite realm to which we are all connected in a magnificent way, but we don’t have the understanding of it, right? And I think it was David Bohm that described it as a big river of consciousness and where in the river you could find several whirlpools and these whirlpools were the individual people. And you could not separate the river from the whirlpool. You couldn’t pick it up, you know? And at the same time, the river was the whirlpool and the whirlpool was the river. So I think consciousness would be kind of like this huge realm where us as individuals can tap into if you’re in a state of flow, in a state of acceptance that there’s something bigger than you. Like musicians, when they say like, oh, I didn’t write this song, it just came to me. I just came to flow. Or some writers say, no, I just sat down and just get downloaded into me, you know? But people sometimes don’t understand that, but when you get into that flow and all of a sudden you get bombarded by, who knows, the wisdom from the past and then the future, you know, there’s many texts that talk about time is an illusion or even space is an illusion. So I think consciousness is that realm to where we can tap if we’re in flow and we can like really benefit from it, no?

MEL: So you use that term, illusion, brings up the concept of Maya or illusion. Do you believe consciousness requires human intelligence and or do you believe consciousness is actually manifest to the universe itself?

LEONARDO: I think a human is here to experience this humanity, you know, this world of perceiving. We experience consciousness as a human just for the fact of to be able to perceive, you know, to perceive this experience.

MEL: In other words, we have eyes to see.

LEONARDO: Yes.

MEL: So I’ve grappled with this a lot and I’ve come to the current belief that my individual consciousness and universal consciousness are different aspects of the same whole. Sometimes people will ask me a religious or a spiritual question, they’ll ask me, do I believe in God? My answer is I don’t believe in God as a deity or in a Judeo-Christian God. My belief is that the universe itself is the creative intelligence. So the creative intelligence that created the universe and is all that is, to me, is the equivalent of the God substance. And since the universe is one inseparable whole, that deity, that God-like quality is you, me, monkeys, planet Mars, dark energy. In other words, instead of revering a deity, a G-O-D, if we revered all that is, ourselves, one another and everything, that would be heaven on earth, wouldn’t it?

LEONARDO: For example, you just mentioned that we have eyes to see, right? But there are so many cases of out-of-body experience where a person sees themselves on the operating table or sees themselves somewhere else or being able to not just see through the eyes but have a 360 vision of the world. So how do you explain that? That doesn’t require a body, it doesn’t require, in a way, you know, the consciousness doesn’t require the body, right? Because he’s floating outside.

MEL: It doesn’t, and of course, not dissimilar. What we erroneously call near-death experience, I would say isn’t near-death experience. It suggests that we need to rethink what we mean by death. So again, for listeners who may not be familiar, throughout all parts of the world, arguably millions of people of all different beliefs have died. And our medical definition of death is flatline brain activity and the heart has stopped beating for a certain length of time. Now in these cases, perhaps millions, these people miraculously came back to life. Now science, medicine tells us that they should be in a vegetative state, but they’re not. But moreover, they report exactly what happened in those minutes when they were presumably dead. They repeat the conversations and everything else. So we then see that their consciousness, their sentience, their awareness did not require a heart to beat or a brain to have activity. So the irony is we call that near-death experience. No, firstly, good science and good medicine, with one exception, with one anomaly, needs to go back to the drawing board and say, wait, we need to rethink this.
But we don’t. That’s why we write things off and marginalize them by saying it’s just a placebo effect. Wait a minute, just a placebo effect? It should be, holy shit. So my mind, when tricked into thinking this is a drug, can heal myself sometimes. Wow, back to the drawing board. So we marginalize phenomenon that do not fit into the construct, as you were speaking before, of our primary operating belief system. And that’s what traps us and confines us. And your excitement, like mine, is breaking through that entrapment and saying, what if? And accessing possibility.

LEONARDO: And one other case, one of the cases that fascinate me is also like the people who have or suffer of multiple personalities. Have you seen those?

LEONARD: Yes, of course. Somebody had like five personalities, you know, and one of them is diabetic and can’t drink orange juice because he gets into an attack. But the other four personalities are not diabetic. Or another case I was reading where had like six personalities and one was a drug addict. And the drug addict had scars in his arm. And when he changed to the personality, those scars went away. And that’s a physiological change. How can you explain that? How can you explain that? And the last case I was reading was a guy that came to his doctor. He just got stung by a wasp and he had all the face puffed up and he was in pain. And the doctor who knew about him, he knew that one of his personalities didn’t suffer pain. So he put him in a trance and called the other personality out. And when this other personality came out, had no pain and all the puffiness went away. So how can you explain that instant cure of something, you know, it has to be something deep down in your subconscious that says, I don’t have this.

MEL: Well, I think that on one level, we need to go back and consider that we are energy. So I’ve always been fascinated by Einstein’s E equals MC squared. And I’m saying this as a non-scientist. I’ve had no scientific training, but the takeaway is energy and matter cannot be destroyed. They simply convert into one another. So I’ve looked at what we call life and death. I’ve looked at it through David Bohm’s implicit explicit order as a model. And I’ve looked at it through E equals MC squared. And so what we call death really is if being alive is the M, it’s the matter. And what we call death is the dissolution of matter and the conversion into energy. So coming back to your question, if we are energy existing temporarily in physical form, but we are energy, well, that energy would have the possibility to see with our lives, that energy would have the possibility to be A, B or C. And my intuitive response to that question that you’re posing Leonardo is it’s energy manifesting in different ways. It’s an anomaly. We’re not used to it. We think it’s science fiction, but we’re going through life with blinders on. I see our infinite possibilities become distinct and limited by conforming to limiting belief systems. And that’s what traps us.

Well, we’ve run to the end of our allotted time for this meeting. I would love to have you back and discuss and explore many other things. We’re going to have all of your contact information in the notes to this podcast, which will be out shortly. But if you’d like to, would you leave for the listener how they can easily access your work and contact you if they wish. And please tell them about your Instagram account. You have something like 5 billion followers, right?

LEONADO: Yeah, it’s a fascinating story because I think last year I had like 5000 followers on my Instagram and then in October, I really want to like give myself out and really talk about this. So my, my logo is like a heart and a atom around it. So I tattooed it on my chest and the day I tattooed that logo on my chest, my account went from 30,000 to 300,000 in 7 days.

MEL: Beautiful.

LEONARDO: Pure energy, you know?

MEL: There you go. Yeah, that wraps up and explains it all. It’s an acausal connection. There is no cause and effect that you entered into a oneness with the energy. Would you like to share your contact information or Instagram account?

LEONARDO: Yeah, my Instagram account is the easiest way to contact me is Leonardo underscore and fisicacuantica. That would be quantum physics, but in Spanish. So Leonardo underscore fisicacuantica.

MEL: Excellent. Well, great having you on. Hope to continue our conversation.

LEONARDO: Yes.

MEL: I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at Mel at Mel Schwartz dot com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at Mel Schwartz dot com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to The Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. And that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #94 The Power of Synchronicity and Consciousness first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 093 examines the tricky question: who is the author of our thoughts?

It might seem like we are the author of our own thoughts, but for most of us, we’re simply following along, letting our actions be dictated by our thoughts.

What if we could turn that around?

Imagine a fulfilling life of exciting opportunities, of wisdom and peace, free from fear.

Listen to this episode to hear how to become the author of your thoughts and an active participant in your active, not reactive, life.

I welcome your comments!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #093Hello everybody and welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

I was working the other night on my new book, Uncommon Sense. I was struggling with a particular sentence. It just wasn’t flowing correctly. I was aware of the fact that I was hitting the delete button as I was reconstructing parts of the sentence, changing out some words, replacing them with other words. As I was doing that, it was evident to me that I am clearly the author of the words and sentences and paragraphs that I am writing. And yet I realized that we all struggle, myself included, with being aware of the thoughts that we have.

Our thoughts trick us in that they report the truth. They construct reality. And we often don’t see that we are the author of those thoughts, that there is me, a sense of myself, an I that lies above the thoughts, waiting to be empowered and to surface.

So ask yourself these questions.

Is there a sense of me that’s more than your thoughts? Is there a sense of me that yearns for change and seeks possibilities? Even more, is there a me that’s potentially wise and fulfilled, a me that’s at peace and in harmony, that sees clearly, that is not reactive, a me that doesn’t reside in fear?

Well, if only we can become aware of our thoughts the way we are aware of the words that we construct in a sentence.

When you write, you know you’re writing, you delete and edit, you’re the author. We’re going to talk about how to do the same thing with your thoughts.

To make a distinction, when I can see my thoughts, that is what I call thinking. Thinking is the goal. That is being the author of your thoughts, the navigator of the path that you are on.

Thoughts trick us in that they are literal. Firstly, we’re often not even aware of having thoughts. But if we are aware, the first step is what are my thoughts telling me? They’re telling me the truth about something. They’re telling me about what is or what isn’t, who you are, what you did right or wrong, what your intentions were.

The thought tricks us in that it’s literal and the old thoughts tend to continue to regurgitate and replicate themselves. Do you ever wonder why it’s hard to change? Simply, we keep having the same old thoughts. How can we change when we have the same old thoughts?

You’ve probably heard me say many times, the most important relationship you will ever have in your life, the most intimate relationship that will impact you far more than any other, it’s not your relationship with your parents, your children, your wife, your spouse, or your lover, or your best friend.

The relationship that’s going to impact you more than any other is with your thoughts. They are your constant companion. Are they your ally? Or are they your enemy?

Now what I’m going to try to help you understand is that nanosecond between your thoughts when you can see the thought. There’s a space that emerges. In that space, we engage the state of possibility.

Sometimes people think that when I’m talking about seeing your thought, it’s about substituting a positive thought for a negative thought. No, it’s not about simple, reductive substituting of thoughts. Again, developing the capacity to see your thought operating is thinking.
That is conscious awareness.

What lies above the repetition of thought? The realm we want to access is conscious awareness.

Let’s just do a deeper dive first into the nature of thought. The classical traditional biomedical understanding of the brain suggests that our thoughts are impacted by our brain chemistry, and our thoughts are the result of electrical and chemical processes. This is old school Newtonian thinking. It’s not that way. It’s the other way around.

So many renowned thinkers, quantum physicists like David Bohm, the Indian philosopher Krishnamurti, and the Dalai Lama have all suggested it’s the other way around, that our thoughts influence our biochemistry. The Dalai Lama, in fact, was influential in researching the brain chemistry of deep meditators, which demonstrated that their brains, their brain chemistry were altered by the practice of meditation. We should see this as encouraging, exciting news, because it means we are not at the mercy of our brain chemistry often or in many cases, we create our brain chemistry.

So our thoughts can either be our supportive benefactors, or they can be our antagonists. And a particular thought can either imprison us or empower us. We tend to believe that modifying our thoughts requires modifying our brain chemistry, maybe with medication.

Well, let’s look at the concept of neuroplasticity, which is the brain’s ability to reorganize itself. By forming new neural connections, the brain has a plasticity, it’s a muscle, we can work it out.

So the brain is flexible to a far greater extent than we ever understood. Don’t think of your brain as a factory that manufactures your thoughts. That’s mechanism. Think of it the other way around. If you’re walking on the beach and look behind you, you see your footprints in the sand. The sand did not manufacture your footprint, your foot left its mark in the sand. In the same way, thought leaves its mark on the brain. This can open a potential shift in your operating beliefs. So we no longer think of ourselves as hard wired in a certain way.

I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you a gift to one of the following, The Power of Mind, a live talk that I gave, or one of my digital eBooks, Creating Authentic Self-Esteem, Overcoming Anxiety, or Raising Resilient Children, and lastly, Cultivating Resilient Relationships. Once you have subscribed, please send an email to mel at melschwartz.com and just let me know which gift you’d prefer. Thanks.

You know, there’s an old saying, change your thoughts, change your life. Well, more to the point, become the thinker of your thoughts. You see that exhortation, change your thoughts, change your lif e. It’s insufficient. You don’t want to merely substitute a positive or a preferable thought for a negative one. That doesn’t address the most important matter of how we think. It’s far more important to be able to think than to be the end product of your thoughts.

So what I’m proposing is, it’s a new mindscape in which our thinking flows from peacefulness, wholeness, coherence, rather than the fragmenting of thought that’s just reporting in on false beliefs all over the place.

The moment we have a thought, we don’t see the thought operating. We become attached to that thought. It becomes our truth. And that automatically summons up our own personal biography of all the accompanying emotions. So we get stuck in all thought and all feeling.
They trigger each other. And that’s why we cycle up or down emotionally on a roller coaster following our old thought and old feeling. They act in tandem.

Our thoughts are primarily informed by our beliefs, many of which are the results of those old wave collapses, those experiences in which our identity got confined and limited. So the goal is thinking, seeing your thoughts operating. New thinking frees us from the replay of old thoughts.

I used to say, if you were old enough to remember vinyl records, but they’ve made a comeback so you may not have to be old enough. But when there was a scratch in the record you were playing, the needle would get stuck in a groove. The same lyric or music would just keep repeating itself. And unless we lift up the tone arm, it keeps replaying the same music.

Similarly with thought, it gets stuck. It summons up old memories and feelings, and we are unable to change. Thought is automatic and it presents itself without our noticing it. So we become trapped in a rut of old thought.

The first step in liberating yourself is to see or notice your thoughts. If you don’t notice your thought, you attach to it and you’re reduced to the thought. Seeing our thoughts is a matter of timing. With practice, you can learn to become alert and vigilant and see a particular thought
operating.

Think of it this way, learning to see your thought operating is like watching a slow-motion replay from, let’s say, a sports event. You see the play unfolding slowly and clearly. Well, we are truly thinking when we see our thoughts operating. That’s the goal of thinking.

Here’s another analogy. You’re playing tennis. The tennis ball is the thought and becoming aware of the thought is kind of like anticipating the arrival of the ball as it’s coming to your side of the net. You see your opponent’s positioning and their footwork, their movement of their racket. Is it a forehand or a backhand? And as the ball advances toward us, we anticipate its arrival.

We can develop that kind of muscle memory with thought. We can learn to see it in advance of becoming it. Now, developing this awareness of thought is essential to learning how to achieve thinking and a mastery of thinking.

Think of it this way. If I can’t see the thought, I won’t be having the thought. The thought will be having me.

Now don’t judge your thoughts. If you judge them, you’re judging them with other thoughts.

Here’s an exercise. Throughout the day, try to notice your thoughts. Imagine sitting in front of a large TV screen and watching your thoughts being transcribed. Don’t judge them, just see them. Sit back, be detached and observe what you’re seeing. You’ll start to develop the acuity to see your thoughts. Or you’re walking in the street or just having lunch or doing whatever you’re doing in the course of your day. Ask yourself, prompt yourself, what is the last thought that I just had? See it, notice it, release it.

Or think about fishing. Many people fish and if they’re not going to eat the fish, hopefully they catch the fish and release it. Catch your thought, release it.

As you develop this ability, you’re going to see a persistence of old, critical, negative, fearful thought. As you begin to notice that kind of thought, imagine putting your forefinger in front of your lips and simply saying, shh, or quiet down to the thought. Thought is like a knock at the door. You can hear the knock, but you don’t have to open it.

Now as you progress in this ability to see your thoughts, you will look at the recurring themes they’re presenting. There are limiting, where you’ve collapsed beliefs in there. Like I always choose the wrong friends, or what’s wrong with me, or why didn’t I see that he was so selfish?

Whatever that limiting thought is, notice the thought and ask yourself, where did it come from? These recurring thoughts are limiting and they become self-fulfilling prophecies. Now once you’ve progressed in your ability to see these thoughts operating, you’ll start to develop a space between your thoughts. In that space, there’s an extra moment to access your state of possibilities, your superposition, the state of pure potential.

In the instant before you become your next thought, you enter a state of possibility. Everything is possible. One of the primary principles of the possibility principle is that this is the moment worth seeking. A heightened level of awareness regarding thoughts, the ability to think. It allows us to be responsive instead of reactive. It allows us to become a martial artist in our communication. Not at war, but empowered. Between the instantaneous reactions of our thoughts, in that space lies a wiser and deeper sense of self waiting to emerge. And this is the self that notices its thoughts and of course your feelings. And it isn’t reduced to simply being the end product.

In the space between my last thought and my next thought, I emerge. The I to which I’m referring is wise and deep, far more than my thoughts. I can choose to think differently, to see things differently. This moment of awareness kind of brings us to a precipice where we can elect to become
the master of our thinking and have defining moments. These are the defining new wave collapses in which we break free from the confines of old habits, old thoughts, old feelings. We don’t know what’s to come, but we’re comfortable not knowing what’s to come. We can cultivate that space for new thinking to emerge.

It bubbles up when we can get out of our own way and it allows a deeper intuitive wisdom to arise. We then develop a relationship with our wise, intuitive, deeper being. And this, friends, enables us to come out of our script, to break free from our stories, our old wave collapses, our old feelings and our old hurts and start to write a new script for our life.

If you need a refresher or a deeper dive into this, please go back into my book, The Possibility Principle. More to come on all of this.

Until we meet next time and I speak to you next time, see your thought. Don’t become your thought. Enter that space and access that deeper intuitive knowing and being. Be well and be the thinker of your thoughts.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel at mel schwartz dot com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at mel schwartz dot com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple podcast, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show and it’s a great way for you to show your support.

Finally, please make sure to subscribe to The Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts and that way you’ll never miss an episode.

Thanks again and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #93 Become the Author of Your Thoughts first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this 92nd episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, we look at the phenomenonal feeling of new love, and explore not just why the transcendent flow state of being in love seems to fade over time, but how to restore and sustain that feeling in a mature loving relationship.

Are you concerned the timeless excitement of a new loving relationship won’t last? Are you looking to rejuvenate that feeling with your partner? Listen to this episode, and I’ll help you.

As always, I welcome your comments!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #092Hello, everybody, and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur, and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking and a new game plan for life.

Hello everyone. We’re going to take a look today at the phenomenon of falling in love and why sadly and regrettably in the majority of cases over a period of time, we fall out of love. We’re going to look at this phenomenon and understand that it’s commonplace, but that doesn’t make it natural. And what we have to learn to break this habit and this tendency, which is just so soul-defeating.

Can you remember what it was like last time you fell in love? If you fell in love with the person that you’re partnered with right now, what that memory was like? You remember the experience of spending hours and hours together, maybe just mesmerized sitting, talking, having fun, perhaps passion. And at the end of that time together, did you look at your watch or nowadays your phone and think in disbelief? How could that have been four hours? It felt like 20 minutes.

Why did the passage of time feel so different?

I think it was because we were present in every thought, in every feeling and experience. We’re in a state of discovery. And so time becomes relative. You had little history together, so you weren’t thinking of the past and you didn’t know each other well enough yet to project into the future. So you were attentive, you were truly present, or you were in flow.

You may have noticed things about each other that you wouldn’t typically look at and notice it was that sense of awareness. You might recall some particulars, where you were, the clothes you were wearing, the setting, the fragrance in the air. These details may linger in our memories. These pictures remain present because we were present. We were not sleepwalking through the experience. So time seemed to fly because we were consciously present in the moment. And as a result, that moment was likely full of connection, enchantment, maybe awe.

That’s what love feels like. And that’s what precisely is required to make us feel alive. To experience love or being in love, you must be present in the moment. Wonder is a vital ingredient in this formulation of love energy or deep, emotionally intimate relationships. Wonder means not having all the answers, which over a period of time become the death knell of a relationship. We’ll get to that in a moment.

But again, wonder, enchantment, and awe are only possible when we’re present and only when there is a harmony between our mind and our hearts. We are feeling as much as we are thinking. Our irrational mind is not yet controlling the experience, and our heart is actually fully participating. Our being, our soul, is completely present. This is your relationship at the best, tuned in, actually a state of attunement. This is what we refer to as falling in love.

But sadly, this state of bliss fades, almost with few exceptions. Let’s look at why.

Let’s think about what that experience together looks like some years or many years later. The experience of harmony and being as one dissipates. It becomes a competitive contest of individualism. You may say to your partner, you did say that, and in their disbelief, they fired back. What do you mean? I never said anything like that. And after a few exchanges like that, you have to wonder, who are we talking to? Obviously not one another. We had different experiences. In effect, no one is present.
Why is that?

The reason is we’re no longer listening. We’re no longer present. We’re playing reruns in our minds. What are the reruns about? They’re about the fall from grace, the fall from harmony into disharmony and conflict. Our mind becomes full and just jaded with bad, hurtful memories. And so we get into these arguments and exchanges and we’re busily preparing our response. We don’t even hear a word. We’re not present. We have our truth and they have theirs. And we never hear the other’s truth when we’re so preoccupied defending our own.

So instead of listening carefully, tuning in, having curiosity and trying to validate what the other person’s saying, we’re thinking about our best argument. We’re in the battle of right or wrong. Once again, what happens?

We’re no longer acting lovingly. We may say we love each other, but we’re not acting lovingly. And the relationship now starts to look like a debating club, no longer an exercise in loving intimacy. When this happens, our hearts close up. They are no longer open and they are no longer the source of the loving relationship. So this kind of exchange and conflict depletes our love energy. We begin to make ourselves absent and we become deaf to meaningful communication. And that causes boredom and a host of other problems that sabotage our relationship.

Let’s look a little further into the implications of not being present. Our memory banks become full. Regrettably, they’re not full of meaning and love and harmony and bliss. They become full of more recent negative conflicted interactions. And you know, these are not so much about the objective event itself, only our current perception. So as time goes by, there’s a tendency to shape our memory to now fit our current belief system about our partner, our spouse, and ourselves. And that’s why two people end up with very different memories of past interactions.

That’s the source of the argument, the disbelief of you said that and you were so angry. No, I wasn’t. I was listening to you and I was I was completely caring. How do we have two different realities? We have two different memories. Sometimes we’ve come to know each other so well, but in some ways, not deeply enough and not honestly enough. There’s a tendency at that point for us to think we know how the other person thinks and acts and who they are. And so we edit our past memories to fit our current experience. We then projected into the future, our current perception of the recent past actually becomes our future experience, having now created the future out of a new belief system.

We were locked into a box and we have trouble finding our way out. When we perceive things out of our habitual response, we limit the future to the same behaviors and we’re not present in the moment.

Let’s look at what happens when we’re not in the present. For one thing, there’s no new learning. Something new that your partner has to offer, you may deflect and you kind of relegate it into that box of the known that your memory bank has placed the other person in. As you stop learning, if we do that, the vitality of our relationship withers. The source of a vibrant relationship is to be able to learn new things about each other. Having curiosity and wonder allows us to do that. But when we don’t, we grow bored and we lose interest in the other person. You assume you automatically know everything there is to know about each other. And then the relationship withers, it stagnates. You may look for reasons to avoid each other or occupy yourself with other things or other people or you may get frustrated and engaged in conflict. Under these circumstances, there’s just a greater likelihood that you’re going to act out on your frustrations.

But as you know, which I have spoken about at length and you’ve read in my book, The Possibility Principle, reality is comprised of a state of infinite possibility. We have to open to the spontaneity of the moment, being fully alive, free from the constraints of old reruns to open to those limitless possibilities. Remember when you first met and fell in love, there were no memory banks operating yet. You had to listen attentively. In fact, you wanted to listen. It was fascinating.

So what happened? The original object of your desire and love is still more or less the same person. What changed? We both probably went to sleep. We hurt each other. We disappointed each other. We started to close up and protect against being vulnerable. And the script plays on until we trigger each other. We stop becoming attentive and present.

Now what’s required is to awaken and once more come alive in the moment. When relationship is based upon predictive assumptions like a mathematical equation, and we assume we know the outcome in advance, there’s just no chance or a little chance that things will turn out differently. We’ve written it into the script and the future is already played out. That being the case, there’s no need to be present. It’s no wonder we fall out of love so easily. It’s not that love and passion have to die. It’s just that we’re living and behaving in a way that will cause that to happen.

In my first book, The Art of Intimacy, I had a section called the spider’s web. And here’s how I described it. When we’re sleepwalking through life inattentive, not really conscious, we think of our lives as a straight line from past to present to future. So the past becomes the present and there’s no change of perspective. It also becomes the future.

A way to break out of this way of seeing yourself and your partner is to imagine yourself in the middle of a spider’s web. In the center of a spider’s web, there’s no past. You’re just at the starting point in the center, in the moment you’re in. All around you, in every direction, are an infinite number of pathways and they’re all open to you. You’re free to choose one and then another. You’re not constrained by your mental and emotional baggage of your past, your wounds, your hurts, set them aside.

You see, if there is no past, all that exists is the moment you’re in. Using this visualization of the spider’s web, there is no past. You freed yourself from that illusion. All paths are open. Each choice you make creates a new timeline. And as you choose in no direction, you’re always free to choose another and navigate differently. The choices are infinite.

The same can be true of your relationship experience. How do we do that? We notice the reaction. We notice our old thought and our old feeling and we imagine saying shhh to the reaction. Don’t become your reaction. Picture yourself in that limitless, infinite possibility of choices. Imagine yourself if you react, you are into present. That doesn’t mean you can’t respond. Responding means you don’t become your reaction, but you’re free to communicate. You’re free to communicate what you’re feeling and ask the other, do you care how I feel?

And instead of judging one another’s feelings, you must try to understand the feeling. Feelings aren’t right or wrong. You can’t say I love you if you don’t care how you feel. The key here is to tune into the feeling, get out of the script of the past, become curious, have wonder, have curiosity, stop judging, seize the moment and become present in the moment. To do this, you quiet your voice, you quiet your old thoughts. If you need to familiarize yourself with that process, check out chapter three in my book, The Possibility Principle or listen into earlier podcast episodes of freeing yourself from old thought. You can recreate your experience of yourself and your partner in any moment you choose. Seize that moment and become present.

Well, that’s it for now. I look forward to speaking with you again soon. Be well, be safe and be present.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast. I welcome your feedback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel at melschwarz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwarz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to The Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts and that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

The post #092 Be Present to Be in Love first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

This is a special encore of an episode that originally posted in February of 2019.

After reading Mel’s new book, The Possibility Principle, a producer with Radio New Zealand contacted Mel for an interview with Sunday Morning host Jim Mora. Thanks to the generosity of Radio New Zealand, we’re presenting that interview for you in this episode.

Jim and Mel dialogue about a bold new way of thinking Mel crafted based upon the remarkable discoveries from quantum physics. Mel has distilled these principles into a practical method for living more resiliently that liberates us from feeling stuck in the past and enlighten our relationship with the self and with others.

This episode also introduces a bold new way of communicating. Mel shares the words that block our ability to change, are ruinous to our relationships and destructive to critical communications as they impede compassion and empathy.

Your comments are always welcome!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #091Welcome to The Possibility Podcast. My name is Mel Schwartz. I’ll be your host and your thought provocator. I’ve been practicing psychotherapy for over 20 years. I’ve done numerous workshops and corporate speaking gigs and I’ve worked with thousands of people over this time. I’ve been fortunate to witness countless insights and breakthroughs through my work that have allowed me to write several books and over 100 articles. I’ll be introducing you new ways of thinking, relating, and communicating to help you reach the possibilities that await you so you can truly thrive in your life. Think of it as a new game plan for living. Very often, we’ll have call ins from at least one or two people on our show. Thanks for joining my emerging community of possibility seekers and I hope you enjoy it.

Welcome everyone to today’s episode. This is going to be a novel departure from what we ordinarily do. About a month ago, I was contacted by New Zealand Public Radio. They wanted to interview me on my new book, The Possibility Principle and in particular an article they just read that I had recently written called “How Eight Words Can Change Your Life.” Today’s episode is going to be a compelling interview as we explore how you can rethink your life, rethink the way you think and in particular, rethink aspects of your communication. Here we go.

JIM: The possibility principle. How quantum physics can improve the way you think, live and love. Its author is Mel Schwartz, a psychotherapist in Manhattan, a marriage counselor as well and a well-known public speaker in forums like Ted Talks. He’s got a much viewed talk online about getting rid of anxiety for example.

There is an aspect to this book which we will focus on in our chat. It has to do with avoiding a group of words. So, we’ll get to that.

Mel Schwartz Good morning.

MEL: Good morning to you Jim.

JIM: I’d like to start by having you reassure us because of course many people switch their brains off on a Sunday that we aren’t going to be talking about quantum physics really.

MEL: Jim I probably was a C student in science at best. So it’s safe to say we will not be talking about the science.

JIM: No fair enough.

MEL: We will be talking about the takeaway, the principles how life altering they are and how we can use them to our advantage.

JIM: Okay, so for the purposes of this discussion, in general terms first, how should we think about quantum physics? Quantum mechanics as they apply to our life and ambitions.

MEL: Quantum mechanics which began in the 1930s describes a reality all together different than what we were trained to believe. We see that reality through the lens of quantum physics is presents inseparability. Something that corresponds with what the mystics and the Eastern religions have always said the universe is as one it is undivided these were always spiritual urgings but now the hardest of sciences quantum physics has revealed that this is seemingly true.

JIM: Right.

MEL: So the first principle is inseparability. We live life most of us under the illusion of separation. Which comes from 17th century thinking Sir Isaac Newton. Well that illusion of separation creates greed, hostility, conflict, excessive individualism. Much of what ails us personally and globally, I believe is due to that. If we see that reality is inseparable, then it means that what is good for you is good for me. It brings us back to the golden rule, empathy and compassion become commonplace and rule supreme once we come to stand inseparability.

JIM: Okay. Your great idea I know came to you in the presumably lonely throes of a collapsed marriage a long time ago. And so you you discovered the interconnected nature of things if you like to put it simply. So along with that came the conviction that you and I that we all can shed our old beliefs and thoughts and behaviors.

MEL: Well I came to understand that our core beliefs about ourselves. Our core identity is in fact a belief but many of us regard it as the truth. Well, once we come to see it as a belief, we then can navigate freeing ourselves from the thousands, if not, millions of thoughts that tend to come out of the core belief. So, let’s look at the belief like I’m not lovable or I’ll never be a success. If that’s one’s belief about themselves, then, the ensuing thoughts confirm that belief and we become trapped. We become imprisoned by old thought. So, in my book, The Possibility Principle, I share techniques of breaking free of old thought. You see, we can’t progress and access change if we’re trapped in imprisoned by old thought. So, there are techniques whereby you can learn to see your old thought and not become the thought. In that nanosecond where you see the thought and choose not to become it, you’re in a state of pure possibility, pure potentiality and that’s what I call thinking. Thinking is rising above thought, seeing the thought, and choosing consciously to think differently.

JIM: I’d like to get back to that moment of possibility that you’ve just referred to because I think it’s quite important but early on, I’d like to ask a question on behalf of all the people listening who’ve tried to be better people and I guess we all all do and in the end have only partially succeeded or maybe not succeeded really at all in terms of their fundamental situation. They haven’t been able to realize that possibility. So, what makes your quantum association with quantum physics ideas more useful to them.

MEL: I would say a one core reason is that as a people, we tend to resist uncertainty. We want to know the future and predict the future. I recently gave a TEDx talk called overcoming anxiety in which I point out that you need to know a future which is unknowable. The result will be fear and anxiety. Now, what happens when we do the opposite. If reality, the other principle of quantum physics by the way is that reality is all together uncertain. It is not deterministic as Newton trained us. So, if reality appears uncertain, I need to embrace uncertainty. If I embrace uncertainty, I can create new possibility. You see, uncertainty equals possibility but if I’m stuck in this web of needing to know what is unknowable then change is impeded. I can’t access possibility if I need to know a future which I haven’t lived yet. So when we embrace uncertainty Jim we participate in the creating of our future.

JIM: Okay. How can uncertainty be the wind in our sails? Cuz uncertainty often leaves many people be calmed on an ocean of indecision Mel.

MEL: Well uncertainty in the way I am applying it doesn’t align with fear because what you’re referring to Jim is the fear of making a mistake.

JIM: Yeah.

MEL: Now, what is a mistake? A mistake is a concept. It’s a it’s a concept around the fact that if we do something or don’t do something, we regret the outcome but that outcome is a momentary snapshot in our life but we draw on the outcome. You know, so many people fret and have a fear about the consequences of a decision that we’re deliberating making.

JIM: Yeah.

MEL: But we don’t worry about the consequences of lack decision. You see that’s what jumps up and bites us in the rear end. We become inactive because we’re afraid of making a mistake. The only mistake arguably is to be afraid of making a mistake and to be inert.

JIM: We stay stuck. We stay inert. Uh we clank through life wearing outdated armour. That’s one metaphor from your book which jumped out at me. So shall we go go shopping for new armour. Uh another talk of yours which attracted attention recently was that once upon a time you and your former wife used to argue as many couples do over whether the room was hot or cold.

MEL: Yeah.

JIM: Can you take up the story from there please?

MEL: Certainly. So it was bedtime and invariably I’d say it is hot in here. It is. And she’s saying no it isn’t. And after a while I realized my error was I was making an objective statement: is. So I learned to say I feel hot. Well that wouldn’t change the thermostat. But at least I wasn’t stuck in an argument about objective truth. So I began to read about the to-be verbs. Is am, were, was, be, been. These verbs are all inert. They’re fixed. They’re products of seventeenth century thinking the great machine-like universe things. So, I began to come across research and literature go dating back to the 1930s, which proposed that when we write and speak without using to-be verbs, we free ourselves up. Look at the term change is hard. Most people agree change is hard. It’s due to the word is, that makes it an immutable fact. If I say, I struggle with change. Well, that’s amenable to change. So, I consider that our thoughts filter our experience, most of us agree with that but if my thoughts are comprised of these inert to-be verbs, leaving me speaking about objective truth, it ruins my communication ability to be able to tend to another’s feelings and perceptions, it victimizes me in that whatever my self-esteem issues are are rooted in to-be verbs. So, for the listeners to the show, think about a core self-esteem issue you have, something that you feel inadequate about. Now, write it down. I bet there’s a to-be verb there. Now, restate it. Restate it without using a to-be verb and notice the difference. You’re now talking about your belief, your feeling, or your perception and that is open to change. It’s not stuck.

JIM: So.

MEL: It frees everything up.

JIM: It free, okay. So, it frees us up. It’s an interesting notion and I notice it’s got a lot of attention. So, our words set the stage. Uh they should be aimed at letting people in and enabling us to get out of being trapped and so when Hamlet said to be or not to be, you say not to be, don’t you? You see?

MEL: Well, to be. I I entitled one of the articles on this to be or not to be but let’s think about interpersonal communication. Have you ever had somebody say to you, you’re wrong, you are wrong. Now, we know the moment we’re told we’re wrong, we become defensive. We’re no longer open. The conversations cut off. This impacts relationships and couples in particular. So, instead of saying to your partner, you are wrong. You might say, I I struggle to understand why you feel the way you do. There’s no to-be verb in there and we’re seeking common ground. Help me understand why you feel that way. That’s inviting. It’s generative. That’s a shared inquiry. It has the guts of dialogue and if we began to communicate this way with one another, it would change very many things.

JIM: As you say, this idea goes back Alfred Korzybski in his book Science and Sanity. It goes back to the 1930s as you’ve alluded to. And he said you can’t avoid all those to-be words but you should be you should pay much more attention to using them. Does that sum up your position?

MEL: Yes you know it occurs to me that if my phone rings and I’m in the car and my son says what are you doing or there’s no way for me to say anything but I am driving the car. So, there are exceptions but when you are facing a challenging conversation, when you think the other person is going to be defensive or reactive, rethink it and start your conversation without a to-be verb. So, instead of you are, I find you, my experience looks like, move into it subjectively rather than objectively and then, there’s a better chance the other person is listening.

JIM: May sound a bit stilted to start but it’ll produce good results. We’re talking about.

MEL: And and and we should welcome it feeling uncomfortable by the way.

JIM: Yeah no that that makes sense too. Mel Schwartz is talking to us. Author of The Possibility Principle: How quantum physics can improve the way you think, live and love. So to borrow from your book part of the possibility principle is that in that nanosecond before the next thought we all have now anything is possible. And I’d like to make the comment that depressed or anxious People know this feeling. You maybe wake up and for a few seconds you’re your normal self calm and then the torrent of worry or the sloth of despond arrives. And there is possibility at any moment. But Mel how to prolong it? That is the trick isn’t it?

MEL: It’s rather like creating a muscle memory. When I work with individuals to be to be today I use the new term. I use a term from fishing for the first time. Catch and release. I proposed that the goal is to see the thought catch it and release it. It’s just the thought. The more you do that the more it becomes a muscle memory and then you reach a point where it is second nature. So you’re no longer trapped by old thoughts and old feelings. And then change change is is is common place then.

JIM: You’re right. We are becoming more and more aware of that quantum world and the quantum concepts imparting the veil between us and them and realizing that there isn’t much of a veil in the area all. But in terms of living with uncertainty what happens to us Mel when we live a life as many of us do defined by the need for security and predictability because it’s so strong and most of us and we’re probably quite scared of free floating notions. We’ve gotta pay the mortgage. We’ve gotta get the car fixed. We might see a free floating life as being the man sitting on the ground asking for money at the entrance to the supermarket. So it is a it is a hard notion to embrace isn’t it?

MEL: Well it I think it’s due to our training. Um of course we need to know what time the train arrives and when the kids come home from school. And I’m I’m not proposing otherwise. We could look at how much of the gross domestic product of a country is derived by uncertainty. Sporting events, movies, books where we’re thrilled because we don’t know the outcome. But our own lives are choked like a straight jacket by resisting uncertainty. Oscar Wilde said uncertainty is the essence of romance.

JIM: Yeah.

MEL: Well we can see that. So what do we do once we secure the relationship? We turned it into conformity and predictability and perhaps this is why romance tends to wither. So if you live your life as though you’re playing a chess match. We are sitting back in calculating and deliberating the next move you’re not in flow of life. So there is a balance. But when we embrace uncertainty in no way does that suggest that we are not wise, intuitive, and aware. I’m not proposing being reckless. I’m proposing that our comfort zone gets very small and narrow and then fear intrudes because of our belief that if we don’t know if we’re not familiar then we’re in trouble. That’s a meta belief that is very damaging to the human spirit.

JIM: But of course the Romans wouldn’t have gone to the coliseum if their own lives were thrilling. So the obvious question is how many people can embrace your idea of life even if we all agree with it. Uh surely it’s always been a determined few, you know, quantum or no quantum, a determined or lucky or genetically blessed few who can live that way.

MEL: Well, I I share my own life story. Um I am not a genius. I’m not I don’t think of myself as an intellect. I had been in business. I was young man, married with two children, a lot of expenses. My business was profitable but I wasn’t feeling gratified. I was lacking in meaning and purpose. At the age of forty, I decided close my business and I did not have financial independence at that time. I closed my business and I thought what would I like to do? And I remember the conversation I had many years before. When someone asked me what do you love to do? My response had been I love to help people think differently. So I thought what could that look like? Well by the next morning I had my path. Now that was fraught with uncertainty and risk. And danger but I kept thinking to myself, why can’t I? Why can’t I succeed? Why can’t I succeed as a therapist, as a marriage counselor, ultimately, I do corporate communications work, I write books, I talk, why can’t I? If I hadn’t embraced my uncertainty personally, you and I would not be speaking right now and I’d be relegated to a life of conformity and dullness and so I made the choice. No thanks.

JIM: It is interesting to hear you say that because that’s quite a good example. You know, we’ve probably all met many people who’ve tried positive thinking and mind power or whatever and often it’s presumably worked for some and often people have failed to embed it in their lives like New Year’s resolutions but if someone, if you were giving a Ted Talk and someone shouted out, give me one simple line to live by, Mel, to change my life, what would it be?

MEL: The most important relationship you will ever have isn’t with children, your parents, your spouse, your lover. The relationship that will impact you far more than any other is with your thoughts. You need to learn to choose them with care and turn your thoughts into your ally. That’s the most important message I can provide.

JIM: You once took a client to the beach and drew a circle around them and told him to stay within it while you went and got lunch. Why?

MEL: Yes. This individual was trapped with fear of the unknown. Uh imprisoned by his own fears and thoughts. So, I wanted to illustrate to him what his life was looking like. So, we took a walking session. My office is nearby a beach on the water and so, I drew a circle with a a stick and said, stay here until I get back and he looked at me in alarm. What do you mean? What are you doing? I said, well, that’s what your life looks like. You have trapped yourself inside a circle you have drawn. Wanna step out of the circle. Let’s step into the uncertainty and into the unknown. That is where new possibility lies.

JIM: Okay. Last question and this is a whole last chapter in your book actually. How to get from where we are to where we know we should be because you show us the sunlit uplands of a life moving more nimbly in tune with a fluid universe getting back to quantum. So maybe I’m listening right now driving an Uber around trying to earn extra money on a Sunday to keep paying the rent or whatever I’m doing. What direction do I go in to get to where I can be? How do I start?

MEL: I I am not a follower or a believer in gradualism. You know, that that I find that mythological that we need to take a slow, steady gradual path. I believe I have lived and experienced defining moments where in a moment, if I get out of my own way and look at something, have an insight and aha moment and I commit to it and then, I ask why can’t I as I had shared previously. So, a defining moment requires a willful intention, the willfulness is often lacking. Often we set our intention. This is what I want to do. These are my goals and objectives and here are my breakthroughs that I need to attain but the willfulness is lacking. So, think of it as being out at sea on a sailboat. You hoist the sail, that’s your intention to move but you need wind in the sail. That’s the willfulness. The wind is the embrace of uncertainty. That will get you moving.

JIM: And the sea metaphor is that actually because you say that we should live as a wave not a particle just to close on just a

MEL: Very very much so

JIM: Just have a quantum

MEL: The wave in quantum physics refers to a pure state of potential

JIM: Very nice to talk with you and thank you for your time as well

MEL: My pleasure it’s great talking with you Jim

JIM: That’s New York psychotherapist Mel Schwartz author of The Possibility Principle

MEL: Thanks for joining us today. I hope you really enjoyed the show. Please feel welcome to leave your comments at this feed or at Mel at Mel Schwartz dot com where you can reach me directly at my website Mel Schwartz. com, you can read about the possibility principle. Please feel welcome to join the RSS feed and subscribe to our show and if you’d like to offer topic ideas or potentially be a guest on the future show, send me that email at Mel at Mel Schwartz dot com. Thanks and have a great day.

The post #091 Rethinking How We Think and Communicate (Encore Presentation) first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

It’s time for the 90th episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz! Join me as I discuss the dangers of toxic individualism to our relationships, our culture, and even the planet.

Listen to find out how we can maintain and preserve our empathy and compassion for one another.

Your comments are always welcome!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #089Hello, everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy and marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the inspiration and the companion to this podcast. I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking, a new philosophy and a new game plan for life and all of the infinite possibilities that await you.

I’m going to be speaking to you today about what happens when individualism becomes extreme or toxic, a term known as toxic individualism.

I was reading an article in The New York Times recently about a new book from Terrance Real, a very insightful and provocative couples therapist, and he use the term toxic individualism, which spoke to me profoundly. I speak about the excesses of individualism and how they were destructive not only to our relationship but to our planet as a whole.

Let’s take a step back. As you know I’ve shared the principal from quantum physics that reality is one inseparable whole. We need to look at the benefits to be derived from this sense of wholeness, inseparability, or what I refer to as quantum entanglement, the quantum reality that two particles are indeed not separate but are part of the same whole.

Well from the illusion of separation, whereby we are separate and distinct from one another, we compete, we argue, we fall into conflict, we make war, but let’s take a look at the nature of relationship, familial relationship or romantic or loving relationships. Romantic relationships typically begin with a sense of us, it’s a union, we are falling in love with each other we feel like one, we refer to each other is my other half, which has limitations which you’ve heard me speak about in other episodes. But this sense of oneness is a quantum entanglement, it is the foundation for love, and out of this sense of oneness we relate empathy is a natural derivative and certainly compassion caring for each other tending to each other but what happens over time in romantic relationships or in family relationships or in the times and friendships?

We retreat from the sense of oneness. When we retreat from oneness, it becomes you and me. We become two separate entities and then we default into this cultural inclination that we need to win, we need to be right, I have to be right you have to be wrong, if I have to win you have to lose, and relationships begin to sour, they lose their basic essence of enhancing our lives because of love, because of affinity, because of a kindred nature. So what starts as a union what starts as us breaks down into individual conflict. Again, because we’re not caring for one another, we’re not caring for us, we’re caring for myself for yourself it becomes a me me me focus.

Now of course there are exceptions in relationships whereby codependence or people-pleasing qualities are not healthy on an individual basis. So many people have the question or the concern about if I exist in the state of oneness am I going to lose my individual self. My individual sense of self. No. Your individual sense of self can be enhanced it can thrive when you are in the sense of one with the other and the sense of one with yourself.

I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you a gift to one of the following: The power of Mind, a live talk that I gave, or one of my digital ebooks: Creating Authentic Self Esteem, Overcoming Anxiety, or Raising Resilient Children, and lastly, Cultivating Resilient Relationships. Once you have subscribed please send an email to Mel at Mel Schwartz dot com and just let me know which gift you prefer. Thanks.

Think about an orchestra in concert with one another. Each musician is playing their separate instrument there’s an individual quality but they’re in concert with the entire orchestra, or a ballet or dance troupe. Each performer clearly is focused on their own individual movement but they realize that there is symmetry with a whole. Or even a competitive sport like basketball be comprised of five individuals on the same team on the floor at the same time but when they’re winning, their acting in concert with one another and as one team. It does not need to break down into your needs and my needs.

In virtually every couple’s relationship that I encounter or work on professionally, when I see the separation in to oneness, the argument about your needs my needs, who’s right and who’s wrong. completely destructive but we need to do is either develop and inculcate a sense of oneness or refine the oneness that we once had. What drives us out of one this again is the illusion of separation which is driven by thought. The way we communicate will either enhance a sense of oneness or diminish it or destroy that sense of oneness.

Think about your communications and your thoughts. How do you express your hurts, your needs, your desires, your hopes, do blame the other? If you do we’re going to default into that divide your needs and my needs and we’re not looking at our needs. How can you communicate this differently?

Well you can communicate it thoughtfully not in a punitive way not in an accusatory way, not in saying you don’t get it you fail me you disappoint me, but in saying you know I have some needs or hopes or desires is just not feeling satisfied.

Now that may sound awkward; we don’t speak to each other that way, but that’s the way we do need to speak. We need to be able to say when I ask you to do this for me and you didn’t do it let me tell you how it made me feel.

Can you see the difference between that and saying you never listen to me you only care about yourself. If we’re going to speak in the accusatory waitress speaking from the framework of oneness not a sense of we. So thought and communication are very very primary and trying to regroup and come back into a sense of oneness. Be thoughtful pause think about how can I say this to the other person how can I say this to my lover and my spouse my partner my friend my son my sibling? How can I communicate from a place of oneness? We’re one family we are one couple we need to be in concert with each other.

Again to default into right or wrong is a lose-lose. What does a win win? A win win enables you to express your feelings your wants you disappointments, but to do it in the way where you’re not blaming the other.

You know in a relationship it is easy to say I love you but it is more challenging to act lovingly. To act lovingly you have to care how the other person feels. Stop in the middle of an argument or a conflict and ask do you care how I feel; if you love one another you must care how you feel and then realize as well that from oneness when you tend to the other can you nurture the other instead of trying to defeat them when you can tend to the other person you’re actually tending to yourself because the other person feels nourished and nurtuted. Then they are in the position to come back and share some of that positive energy with you.

By the way this toxic individualism goes far beyond relationships. The decimating and destruction of the planet, ecological disasters, comes from oneness. The oneness of greed to more more more for myself is destructive to the environment is destructive to the health of the planet, is destructive to the health of the individual. So always stop and ask yourself, how to I come back into oneness?

But for today we are speaking mostly about toxic individualism and how that impacts relationships. Think of it this way: if you need to win if you need to conquer if you need to come out on top if you would you want and what you need is more important than what the other person needs that is a lose-lose equation. It is destructive to relationships, platonic relationships and romantic relationships.

Turn your relationship back into a state of we: what do we need to do to thrive to respect each other to value each other. If you’re having a hard time releasing your individual needs reframe them and ask yourself what is so important about this individual needs that I’m prepared to sabotage my relationship? What is compelling me in this way and that individualistic need, and what makes me more important than the other? What makes me more important than arguably everyone else I have a relationship with? There’s an insecurity underlying that neediness. Once you can find that insecurity and tend to it and heal it you much more able to come into a sense of oneness with the other.

We don’t lose our individualism. You are individual you are unique and you are vitally vitally important and beautiful. You want to enhance that quality by merging with the other and valuing their beauty their individuality their uniqueness. Come together into a sense of we, into a sense of us, or a few more than two people into a sense of collaboration and team. Collaborate do not compete.

An excess or toxic individualism ruins the harmony of relationships with one another and with so much more than two individuals. Moreover when we operate from excess individualism we suffer from isolation we’re not truly relating to or in harmony for connected not only with one another but with nature and with the universe as a whole. Too much individualism removes us from genuine human experience of interrelationship that enables us to thrive.

Be really cautious about toxic individualism. It won’t serve you in any way and it will cut you off from those that you might love.

Well, until next time, be well, be present, be healthy, and think about the other as important as you think about yourself.

If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show, and it’s a great way for you to show your support.

Finally, please make sure to subscribe to The Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. And that way you’ll never miss an episode and thanks again. And please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life as you embrace new possibilities.

The post #090 Toxic Individualism first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship (Goop Press)

View Details

Join me in the 89th episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz as I critique the concept of gradualism and instead argue for catalyzing defining moments that help each of us realize our true potential and ultimate “human nature.”

Care to share your own breakthrough moments? Please leave a comment!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #089Hello, everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy and marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the inspiration and the companion to this podcast. I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking, a new philosophy and a new game plan for life and all of the infinite possibilities that await you.

Hello, everyone, I’m going to be speaking today more from a philosophical perspective. And by the way, people don’t understand this psychology, psychotherapy is all dependent upon philosophy, how we look at things. Let’s start with the term human nature. I often hear the term human nature used in a negative, limiting or pejorative way. It’s not human nature, we believe human nature is to be competitive, to try to win to compete to take advantage of others basically unkind thoughts.

Well, how do we know that’s human nature, what if we were simply in the infancy or early adolescence of the human experience of growing in consciousness? Imagine looking at the behavior of a five- or six-year-old child and assuming that was it. That their growth and development were finished, and they would not mature any longer on any plane. And we then conclude that’s human nature. We didn’t know that that was simply adolescence.

What if we are just in our adolescence, and our nature has not been realized, because we again, have been playing from the wrong game plan for life. By now you’re very familiar with my perspective that we have operated for many different worldviews, none of which have enabled us up until this time to really start to access human nature. So I think that we’re just leaving human adolescence and poised for the first time to move into our nature. We should not mistakenly equate human habits with human nature. I think that we’re just now on the cusp of venturing forth to embrace our genuine nature. And that’s one thoroughly resonates and aligns with this wondrous participatory universe of inseparability, realizing this nature then allows us to touch on our true potential that ignites our personal transformative process.

Something that really really bugs me is this notion of gradualism, slow and steady progress. We accept that culturally as a, as a meme that misguides us slow and steady. You know, that approach may be beneficial if you’re running a marathon, but what’s the virtue in delaying our emergence our growth into our full participation with life.

I am opposed to gradualism in general and advocate for catalyzing your defining moments. Remember, a defining moment is a profound insight. When you look at yourself, or reality, or others differently, this distinct aha moment. Now, why delay your prospering, why not break through the harness that restricts you must slow and steady all at once you see, slow and steady over time probably means that we’re not getting anywhere.

You know, as you’ve seen by now, from listening to my podcasts, or reading my book, any instance of thinking differently, we open the floodgate of new possibility into our lives. I’ve worked with many people who have reached these breakthrough moments, and they’ve sustained them. That’s the core of a defining moment. If you don’t sustain the breakthrough, it’s not a breakthrough.

I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you a gift to one of the following: The Power of Mind, a live talk that I gave, or one of my digital ebooks, Creating Authentic Self Esteem, Overcoming Anxiety, or Raising Resilient Children. And lastly, Cultivating Resilient Relationships. Once you have subscribed, please send an email to Mel at Mel Schwartz dot come. And just let me know which gift you’d prefer. Thanks.

Now how do you sustain the breakthrough? So it’s not just a moment, an hour or a day? Well, the way to sustain this defining moment is to keep your foot on the accelerator not slow and steady, full speed ahead. But still there’s a question Why do some people venture forth and really catalyze change, and others feel frustrated and don’t. And what can we do? What can you do to just quicken that personal unfolding?

Well, that leads me to the term willful intention. I’ve been giving a lot of thought to that. And you’ll find this in the epilogue of my book, The Possibility Principle. I believe that to access and manifest new possibility, obviously first requires your intention to do so. In my experience, many people indicate their intention, but they don’t take the necessary strides.

Intention alone, you see, doesn’t cut it. It’s insufficient to move forward. Intention needs to be coupled with will. Willfulness. Imagine you’re out on the sailboat at sea, you’ll hoist the sail, and that’s the equivalent of your intention to move. Without any wind. You’re not going to go anywhere, you’ll just drift. If you’re drifting through life, think of it this way. Think of the wind billowing through the sail as being commensurate with your willfulness. Typically, the word willfulness sounds pejorative, it speaks to someone’s stubbornness, or unwillingness to change directions. Yet, that is exactly the quality of resolve and determination that I am advocating for. What separates people who provoke change and seven new potential from those who continue the struggle is single minded willfulness, you need to infuse your intention with an unwavering conviction.

Think of an equation: intention plus willfulness equals your possibilities. When you integrate your new learning and skills and fortify them with a single minded, willful intention, you will be fully participating in your life’s experiences, and you’re navigate your own path. If you allow hesitation to distract you, you’re going to falter our core beliefs and our thought patterns instruct us as to our willful intention or lack of it.

You know, the expression why I can’t or why can’t I if you fall into the category of why I can’t just understand that’s your belief and thought, blocking intention, pay close attention to which camp your thoughts fall into. And if it’s why I can’t ask yourself, Where did this belief come from? By now, you know, the process that I’ve described, which I call wave collapses, those experiences in life which formed our belief, see the source of what’s holding you back? How is it that you came to think why I can’t and then just see it as an operating belief that you must release.

From this new participatory perspective that I introduced in my book, in which consciousness and the universe is one, the idea of immutable laws become strange, unacceptable, the universe doesn’t have laws, human beings made up laws. So how can we have laws of the universe. And these laws about human nature are akin to laws of the universe, there are no laws, laws are the creation of mind, nothing more, and nothing less. But then we take these manmade laws and we project them onto the cosmos, or on to human nature, if your life isn’t going sufficiently the way you want it to rethink it.

You know, the virtual rulebook of life has us protect what feels vulnerable, and it causes us to isolate and when rather than relate, connect and prosper the rules of life by which we’re living are failing us. If the operating rules for your life aren’t succeeding, why do you remain wed to them?

During halftime in the football game, if one team is down by 24 to nothing, you can rest assured the coach of the team that’s trailing during halftime will create a new game plan. That’s exactly what I’m encouraging you to do. The existing game plan of life results is so much despair and frustration that we experience. So we need to adopt a new strategy for life based upon these wondrous messages coming from the new sciences fit into nurture our human qualities, your new philosophy for life must be devoted into your emergence into your full participation and to the unfolding the becoming of your life.

To get there, focus on willful intention. Forget slow and steady and forget about all of this nonsense about human nature. Create your own human nature, through your own singular effort to live the life that you choose to live. Willful intention is the pathway to get there.

Good luck. Get on that road. Get in touch with me and tell me how it’s going. And until next time, and for always, I wish you a full wind in your sail, and all the willful intention you need to navigate and prosper in your life. Good luck to you, and you deserve it.

Finally, please make sure to subscribe to The Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. And that way you’ll never miss an episode and thanks again. And please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life as you embrace new possibilities.

The post #089 Act With Willful Intention first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 088 is all to do with how and why assumptions take us out of the present and simplify how we perceive our relationships in a way that precludes the other person’s truth.

Listen to discover why it’s so important to free ourselves from the simplicity of assumption and accept complexity with a curious, vulnerable, open mind.

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #088Hello, everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy and marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the inspiration and the companion to this podcast. I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking, a new philosophy and a new game plan for life and all of the infinite possibilities that await you.

Hello, everybody, today should you hear the sound of church bells ringing in the background or the hooves of horses clomping on the cobblestone streets, I’m coming to you this morning from Charleston, South Carolina in the old historic district. And on Sundays, you hear carriages and horses, tourists in the streets and lots of church bells.

So let’s get to today’s convergence of different topics. In a future episode, I may talk about how our assumptions get in the way of our own authenticity, but assumptions from my observation as a therapist and in personal life, derail our relationships. When we operate from assumption we aren’t present, we aren’t seeking curiosity or uncertainty we aren’t knowing and often were falsely knowing. As well, relationships are incredibly complex. Now by complex I’m speaking of different than complicated. I’m going to get back to that in a moment.

The other theme today is that one person’s truth doesn’t preclude the other person’s truth. I know this is a theme you’ve heard me speak on often.

But coming back to complexity of relationship. I believe that we live in a worldview and particularly a culture that avoids and shuns and disregards complexity. It’s not the quick soundbite. We don’t have immediate gratification, we don’t get to choose sides too quickly. The avoidance of complexity leads to a horrific dumbing down of our world, our culture, our selves, and our relationships.

But I’ll tell you this: relationships are incredibly complex, they become entangled. Like in a quantum entanglement, where two photons become as one even though they’re separate. Same thing happens in a relationship.

Now, don’t fear the notion of complexity. When we engage complexity, it means we let go of our assumptions. We inquire, we have curiosity. And this is all incredibly intimate. By intimate here, I mean, emotionally intimate, and verbally intimate, which are the bedrock of a relationship.

So relationships should be an evolving dance of intimacy, but too often they become a de evolving dance of intimacy, we’re going to try to correct that, that tendency toward de-evolving, and we do it by engaging complexity, and opening to curiosity.

Sometimes, I’m listening to two friends or two people speak and it’s occurring to me that they’re actually not having the same conversation. There’s a word or phrase that one person’s interpreted one way and the other one another way. And they’re really not understanding what’s going on. The conversation derails because we don’t ask the right questions we don’t take time out to ask I think this is what you’re saying, is it? Another piece of complexity is in our avoiding of complexity in an argument or a conflict between the couple or between friends or family members? We might say, it’s not my issue. It’s their issue. How absolutely silly and ridiculous that is, their issue spills out into my life, it becomes my issue, but assumptions are based upon past experiences. And so the past becomes the present.

Now, it’s necessary to operate this way to a point but when our assumptions become predictable, and certainty become set, it sabotages us it blinds us and that’s why our relationships devolve.

Let me provide you with an example. I’m going to share a story about a couple I had been working with many years ago, I will call them Andrea and Ted. They came to me around what appeared to be their primary issue, which was a loss of sexual intimacy. But that was merely the symptom. There were deeper things going on.

Ted had enjoyed a really successful business career, but there had been a downturn and his business recently failed, and so he assumed many of the household and parenting obligations for their young children. His wife, Andrea, however, continued to thrive in her career, and she supported the family financially, thankfully, which she was able to do. They each defaulted to their specific roles. Not surprisingly, conflict ensued, and as it did their emotional and sexual intimacy with it.

Why did I say not surprisingly conflict and soon? Well, there was going to be a major shift and dynamic for both of them. Ted felt emasculated by his loss of income, his identity, his role in life. I’m not being sexist here, but he identified with being a breadwinner, sharing that obligation or responsibility with his wife.

Well, one evening, he decided to prepare a really well thought out if not romantic dinner for his wife. He arranged a babysitter for the children. He never told her about this. It was going to be a surprise. She had no idea of course that he was preparing this dinner, she picked up a quick bite on her way home.

Well, his disappointment turned into anger. He felt unappreciated, as he continued to lose more confidence due to the loss of his business. His career choice his meaning in his purpose. He began to stop complimenting her stop being affectionate stop desiring her, he stopped making any sexual advances.

His wife Andrea, in turn felt undesired, unappreciated, ugly, and she moved into a limited masculine energy, directing and controlling many of the couple’s decisions.

In their sessions together, each defended their hurt. As they lashed out at each other. They blocked each other’s feelings, they invalidated each other. I suggested the following: one simple sentence, one person’s truth shouldn’t preclude the other person’s truth. Couldn’t they validate each other? Couldn’t Andrea feel unattractive and rejected sexually? And couldn’t Ted still feel insecure and unappreciated?

You see, we need to move in this space of entanglement into the inseparability that brought us together to start with. When we do that, the distinction between you and me, her issue in my issue, slips away a deep awareness of the other person is at the heart of authentic discourse. And it’s the core of deeper relating. Rather than preparing to defend yourself, you need to quiet your voice and let this unfolding process welcome. Reaching deeper levels, you need to become curious, you need to let go of your assumptions. Truly listening to someone is a way of validating what that person is saying. Again, as I’ve said before, that doesn’t mean I agree, it means I care. I want to understand how you feel how you experience me, you just have to suspend your opinion temporarily. And when you do that, you’re really listening. The other person feels you tuning into them without judgment.

I suggested all of this to Ted and Andrea. At first, Ted was unsympathetic to Andrea’s reports of feeling ugly and undesirable. Ted rejected that suggestion until I asked them to look deeper. He asked her how can you feel unattractive when I desire you so much? Her response was she asked how he could claim desire for her when he wouldn’t even hold her hand or kiss her. They each cemented their own conclusions, but only through true listening, which invites a deeper shared inquiry, could they come to a deeper understanding? Ted and Andrew eventually turned the corner. It was initiated when Ted understood that he could feel unappreciated, yet also be open to his wife’s feeling of rejection. It’s not either or.

You see, that’s the simplification I was talking about. Complexity. And this isn’t really all that complex. Both of their feelings are accurate. Feelings aren’t right or wrong. Feelings can be reconsidered; we can reflect on feelings. We can let go of feelings that have seen the light of clarity or first we need to see each other’s feelings. To do this Ted had to witness his thought which was informing him that he was feeling unappreciated. Instead of saying she has no regard for me, he had to say to himself, I’m having a thought, which is telling me that I don’t feel appreciated. It was just a thought but a powerful one. He could notice this thought and feeling and not become them.

You see what happens when we operate from inference and assumption without checking in when we assume we become blinded. We get stuck too much assumption absolutely impedes us and assumptions again, get in the way of curiosity and growth both personally and in relationship isn’t my truth or your truth? Why can’t we open to the complexity of both our truths? Instead of assuming we need to check in ask how do you feel about this? You seem angry with me or upset. Please tell me what you’re feeling. Don’t assume that they’re feeling and don’t use language like you always or you never. Those are absolute deal breakers the end a real dialogue.

Dialogue means suspending your beliefs temporarily and operating from uncertainty from not knowing this untangles the complexity of relationship, there’s room for both our truths, but only when we start to release our assumptions. And we put our energy we put our thoughts and feelings where our initial commitment was. Commitment has to be an obligation to this process of emotional intimacy. That’s the direction we need to move forward in.

Well, I hope you enjoyed today’s episode, and please feel welcome to get in touch. Share with me some topics you’d like to hear about, or people you’d like to hear on the show. I look forward to speaking with you again soon. And until next time, be well, be curious, and try to let go of your assumptions.

The post #088 Free Yourself From Assumption first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In episode 087 of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, I explain why there’s a big difference between reacting and responding, and why it’s so much better in our relationships to thoughtfully respond rather than instinctively react.

Have you practiced the steps I spell out in this episode to thoughtfully respond, rather than react? I’d love you to write about it… in the comments!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #087Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy and marriage counseling and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the inspiration and the companion to this podcast. I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking, a new philosophy and a new game plan for life and all of the infinite possibilities that await you. I’m going to be speaking with you today about the vast difference between reacting or responding, whether we’re in conversation with somebody else, whether we’re triggered by what they’ve said or they haven’t said, or even in relationship to our own thoughts and feelings.

The difference between reacting and responding is just a nanosecond, but that nanosecond is all the time in the universe and it makes such a difference. Here’s what I mean. When we become our feeling, and let’s suppose it is an alarmed, negative, angry feeling or judgmental feeling. When we become that feeling instinctively, instantly in a moment, we are reacting and when we react in that moment, all is lost. So when I react in that moment, it means I’ve been triggered. I’m not being thoughtful. I’m not being reflective. I’m simply simply reacting.

Now if I can notice that feeling and not become the feeling then I can communicate what I’m feeling. So let’s suppose I’m speaking with somebody and I am feeling angry or insulted or devalued by what they’ve said to me. Well if I can notice what I’m feeling then I don’t have to become that feeling. So here’s what it would sound like. John said something that I thought was really hurtful. I noticed that I’m feeling angry or misunderstood. I pause.

I don’t want to become my feeling. I say to John, you know when you just said that to me, I felt really hurt. I felt devalued or misunderstood or I felt marginalized. Let me tell you why. Now that’s a healthy communication. I’m expressing to John just what I am feeling and speaking that way, not angrily, defensively, or reacting, would enable John to possibly take in what I have to say. That’s my goal isn’t it? So that John can have an opportunity to validate me and care as to what I’m saying.

In our communications, particularly troubled communications the goal is to understand each other and connect not to win. And to do that, we have to temporarily witness and suspend what our thoughts are telling us and our feelings. Remember, our thoughts get in the way of our ability to listen. Old thought represents the past, so we’re not truly present to what the other person is saying. Now, to listen closely to each other, we need to notice any disturbances created from old thoughts and feelings and reactions and at least suspend them for a moment. We temporarily have to avoid taking a position.

When we react to someone’s words without pausing to reflect, we are stuck in the groove of old thought, automatic thought and old feeling. In short, we’re not present. There’s an entrainment coming from old thoughts, old feelings, old wounds, and old wave collapses and our thoughts operate from an assumption. The assumption in this case might be that we understand that we absolutely get what the other person is intending, but we often don’t. And as a result, we’re not reacting only to one person in the moment, but to a complex of a lifetime of interactions with other people and an incalculable number of experiences that are underneath our conscious awareness.

In other words, we’re not reacting to just what we’re hearing and dealing with in a moment. Now the distance between the reaction of a millisecond or a nanosecond and a thoughtful response just takes a moment, but that moment is monumental.

It’s the difference between blasting your horn or a tailgating and getting into road rage or keeping your hands on the wheel and keeping your foot gently on the brake. That fraction of a moment in which you suspend your reaction and that’s another example of the possibility principle that reality is waiting for you to create it.

So that fraction of a moment in which you suspend your reaction that creates a state of potential, a state of possibility whereby you can facilitate a new way of communicating. This allows for profound breakthroughs in communication and for incredible possibilities in relationships. Learning to observe your reaction helps you not to become your reaction. Just as seeing your thought allows you not to become your thought.

I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you a gift to one of the following, The Power of Mind, a live talk that I gave, or one of my digital e-books, Creating Authentic Self-Esteem, Overcoming Anxiety, or Raising Resilient Children, and lastly, Cultivating Resilient Relationships. Once you have subscribed, please send an email to mel at melschwartz.com and just let me know which gift you prefer. Thanks.

Again, looking at anger, if I notice I’m feeling angry, but I refrain from actualizing the anger, I can communicate how I feel appropriately. If I react and become the anger, my angry words are likely going to exacerbate the situation and be met with a tirade coming back at me, which of course can damage or irreparably damage a relationship. If I’m feeling hurt or misunderstood, I want the other person to get it. Becoming angry ensures that they won’t.

So my ensuing actions may then shine the spotlight on my behavior instead of the underlying issue at hand. But if I say I’m feeling angry and I want to explain to you why, I increase the likelihood that the other person, especially if they’re close to me, will care about how I feel and maybe we can have a real dialogue about what’s to ensue.

This ability of not becoming reactive opens us to the art of listening. So the key here is to slow down, breathe deeply, and try to notice your reaction. Don’t become the reaction, see it and communicate it. And the next time you feel the urge to defend yourself or your position in an interaction or an argument with another person, stop and reflect. Ask yourself a couple of things. What is the other person trying to convey?

What is it that they want me to know? What is it that they’re seeing in me that I’m not seeing in myself? Secondly, is it more important for me to defend my position and correct the other person or to stay present? In other words, would I rather be right, fight a battle where both people lose, or engage in some genuine dialogue?

Try to remain still and take a moment to ask yourself these things. The difference between reacting and responding can also be seen through the filter of learning to lean in, which you’ve heard me speak about any number of times. So rather than get angry, lean in and say, I need some clarification on what you’re saying. I was feeling angry, I was feeling hurt, but I want to make sure I understand what it is you’re trying to communicate to me.

Can you see that that leaning in quality actually creates the space to not become reactive? Pause, lean in, notice what you’re feeling, communicate it and have curiosity and ask the other person what you’re feeling and what you’re experiencing. Is that what they intended for you to feel? You need to create a bridge between each other to create real dialogue. And most often we are miscommunicating with each other.

Remember the keys to not reacting. Slow down, count to three, notice your feeling, exhale and communicate your feeling. Number two, reach out to the other person and ask them what you’re hearing, what you’re receiving, is that what they intended for you to hear.

Until next time, wishing you less reactivity in your lives and more ability to be responsive. Be well, look forward to speaking with you again soon.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast and I welcome your feedback on this or any episode. Please send me an email at mel at melschwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com.

If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show and it’s a great way for you to show your support.

Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts, and that way you’ll never miss an episode. And thanks again, and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life as you embrace new possibilities.

The post #087 Respond, Don’t React first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 086 of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz is all about the overwhelming influence of fear in our culture, and how we can live our lives in a fear-less way.

Listen as I explain the reasons we feel fear, how our behaviors can exacerbate our fears, and most importantly, what we can do to live a fearless life.

Have you found ways to release your fear? I’d love you to write about it… in the comments!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #086Hello, everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy and marriage counseling and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the inspiration and the companion to this podcast. I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking, a new philosophy and a new game plan for life and all of the infinite possibilities that await you.

Hello, everybody. We’re going to be exploring the nature and the prevalence of fear in our lives and in our culture. Fear just decimates our ability to live well, to live with meaning and purpose and joy, but everywhere we look, we can notice the tentacle of fear and its grip upon us.

Now, why do we experience this level of fear? For many reasons. I believe essentially, it’s due to the messages, the philosophy of our lives. We live in a culture that is extremely competitive, extremely individualistic, where the game of life, it’s almost a gamification of life, is about winning, succeeding, one upmanship, beating the other. This all leads to this prevalence of fear because we’re always competing and we’re always worrying or wondering how are we doing? How are others measuring us or ourselves and we begin to measure our own self. This all leads to overwhelming sense of fear.

So, let’s look at some of the values and messages from our culture.

Number one, we are taught hide your fear. Well, that’s quite a game plan. The more you hide your fear, the more the fear is emboldened that takes a grip on you for the fear that someone’s going to find you out, that you’re going to be seen. Hide your fear is the last thing you want to do. Actually, we’ll come to it but we we want to do is embrace your fear.

You see, when you hide your fear, you’re setting others up as the judge of you. Now, how’s that going to work out? It leads to a marginalized tentative experience of life.

I have spoken at length with you about this in regard to self-esteem or other esteem. Our concern or our belief that what others think of us is more important than what I think of me is rooted in fear. The fear is how is the other person measuring me? So, I don’t reveal my authentic genuine self, I hide that out of the fear that I won’t be judged well, that I won’t be valued, I won’t be liked.

In regard to the fear of not measuring up, the competition, the false measuring is prevalent everywhere. I witness high school juniors and seniors succumbing to the horrific fear that if they are not accepted by their number one college of choice, they have failed. These adolescents are gripped with fear. It leads to anxiety, depression, and sometimes suicide.

So, there’s a fear of not measuring up, not getting into the best school or a good enough school, fear of not getting a good enough job, all reflective of our concerns about how others see us or even our more innate measuring of ourselves. I’m failing myself.

Then, there’s a fear around the whole change process. Everybody wants or seeks a certain level of change in our lives but we ironically or paradoxically have a fear of change because that means we’re going to step into the uncertain, the unknown and that incites fear.

So, there’s a fear of change but at the same time, there’s a fear of not changing. Fear is everywhere. There’s a fear of appearance. How do I look? Am I looking my best? What do I need to do to look better? There’s a fear around like a do others see me as likable, as popular but you know what the greatest fear of all is? The fear of death.

I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you a gift to one of the following The Power of Mind a live talk that I gave or one of my digital e-books Creating Authentic Self-esteem, Overcoming Anxiety or Raising Resilient Children and lastly, Cultivating Resilient Relationships. Once you have subscribed, please send an email to Mel at Mel Schwartz.com and just let me know which gift you’d prefer. Thanks.

I can’t begin to tell you how profound an unexplored and undiscussed fear of death is. The grip on us around fear of death is just absolutely dreadful. We don’t talk about it. We don’t open up and share with each other.

I recently had lunch with two dear friends of mine and I decided going in that I wanted to have a new conversation, not the same old conversations about family and children and work and vacations so I asked them a new question. Do you guys have an thoughts or fears about death? What comes up for you?

One of them was absolutely so struck by the question that he really couldn’t engage in the conversation. We don’t talk with one another about fear of death.

Pride and ego. Wow. When we see prideful, large-ego people, they’re really people with fragile egos. What is that about? That’s a compensation for fear as well. The fear that I’m not enough. I’m not valuable enough. I’m not successful enough. I’m not smart enough.

So, what do we do when we experience that kind of fear? We put on a false facade of pride and ego.

What do we do with this overarching fear that impacts our lives? It’s a philosophy for life that we are living under that decimates our ability to live well.

Well, I don’t believe in oversimplification but here’s a simple thought and it’s paradoxical again: We have to run contrary to the message we get as a culture. We should not hide the fear. When we embrace the fear and sometimes share the fear, the fear dissolves. You see fear has an energy all of its own. When it reaches a force that resists it or hides it, the fear grows, its tentacles reach out and grip us. What we can do is embrace the fear. That doesn’t mean I like the fear. It means I welcome it in and I share it. When I do that, the fear retreats.

It’s simple. To choose to live a fear-less life and when I say fear-less, I don’t mean an absence of fear. I mean literally less fear. The simplest best approach is share your insecurity. Share your fear with whoever will listen.

The first thing that that does is you’re no longer setting the other person up as your judge. The second thing is you have nothing that you’re hiding. There’s no shame. There is no deeper insecurity that you’re hiding from others. That hiding your fear from others is like pouring gasoline on the fire.

For fear to dissolve, we need to bring it into the light, open it up, share it, and by the way, if you do that and other people judge you or ridicule you, the way through that is to simply say, well, shame on them. I don’t care what the other person thinks, if they’re going to ridicule me, what I care about is coming into my own authenticity and my own integrity. That’s what matters. I hope other people are sensitive and caring and compassionate if I share fear and insecurity but if they’re not, I still gain because I am no longer in hiding.

So, start to think about what are your fears? Perhaps, make a list of them and then ask yourself, what can I do to embrace these fears, meaning to reveal them, not hide them, disguise them, or cloak them, and see how the fear dissolves. It’s really remarkable how this path of embracing your fear allows you to transcend these deep, profound insecurities and this is necessary. It’s vital to live a fear-less life is the absolute pathway to a joy, happiness, and relationships that can thrive.

Fear decimates relationships. The fear of what you think of me the fear of how you might react to what I’m thinking and not sharing with you it creates a roadblock for emotional and verbal intimacy. Emotional and verbal intimacy require a mitigating of fear ultimately an absence of fear so if we can be transparent with each other without fear our relationships can thrive.

So for now think about the fears that grip you that impede your progress, list them, and then choose to reveal them and embrace them and see how quickly they disappear.

Please feel welcome to send me an email and share with me your experiences about trying to release your fears and your progress with that. Until next time, wishing you health, happiness, and less fear in your lives. Be well.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast and I welcome your feedback on this or any episode. Please send me an email at Mel at Mel Schwartz dot com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at Mel Schwartz dot com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcast. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to The Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcast. In that way, you’ll never miss an episode and thanks again and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life as you embrace new possibilities.

The post #086 How to Live a Fearless Life first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Why are we attracted to our opposite number? Why is referring to our partner as “my other half” actually damaging to our relationship and ourselves?

In episode 085 of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, I look at why opposites attract, at least initially, and we learn what we should really be looking for in a partner in a healthy, mutually supportive relationship.

Have you grown apart from a partner who could be described as your opposite or your “other half?” Or had a more complimentary relationship? Tell me about it… in the comments!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #084Hello, everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy and marriage counseling and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the inspiration and the companion to this podcast. I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking, a new philosophy and a new game plan for life and all of the infinite possibilities that await you.

Well, hello everyone. We’re going to be talking today about the phenomenon in relationships of why opposites seem to attract each other. You know that term “my other half,” we often hear in committed relationships or marriages or particularly long-standing marriages? One person refers to the other as “my other half.” Well, that’s not just a throwaway line. There’s something to that.

I often thought Why would I only want to be a half and complete myself with my other half? Isn’t that a problem in relationships? Wouldn’t it be better if two people met who felt like they were more or less whole? Instead of being attracted to my other half. Well, we’ll get back to that.

So, “my other half,” it makes me think about a half-moon. A half-moon is actually always full, the sun is shining on it. It’s a full moon but only half of it is lit up. So, we call it a half-moon. Well, the sun needs to shine on us in terms of our own enlightenment so we can move past the sense of incompleteness.

So, we can see that in relationships there is a natural attraction to my opposite. Now that works or can work for a period of time. Sometimes it works forever. And very often it falls flat on its face when one person starts to grow or change.

Before I move into that, let me share with you some of the deeper insights into this unconscious part of ourselves that lies buried in what Carl Young, the great psychiatrist, called your shadow.

So, what Jung was referring to in terms of the shadow is that the opposite of our own persona, of our own identity that we connect with, the opposite exists in our shadow and the goal in life is to bring the shadow into the light so we can begin to integrate it toward our own fullness.

You’ve heard me share in the past my stories narrative about my former marriage whereby I was attracted to my opposite as a young man. I was shy and introverted, not outgoing, and she was an extrovert and very sociable and the opposites attracting on many other levels completed each of us. The problem or perhaps the gift for me was that many years later when I had evolved and grown in any number of ways, I now saw her in an entirely different way. I no longer needed my relationship with her to complete me or make me feel whole, I was feeling whole within myself.

I had no reason to blame or fault my ex-wife but she hadn’t grown or changed much and therefore, this initial relationship built on opposites attracting no longer worked.

So, in Carl Jung’s urgings about integrating our shadow self, we can think of that as well as coming into wholeness. So, shadow self as an introvert in my shadow was an extrovert, the opposite of your own sense of self lies buried in your shadow. Some of those may be features that you don’t value or respect so the goal is not to adulterate yourself but when you’re feeling triggered or reactive in a relationship by someone else, what they are triggering in you is buried in your shadow.

I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you a gift to one of the following The Power of Mind Alive Talk that I gave or one of my digital e-books, Creating Authentic Self Esteem, Overcoming Anxiety or Raising Resilient Children and lastly, Cultivating Resilient Relationships. Once you have subscribed, please send an email to Mel at Mel Schwartz. com and just let me know which gift you’d prefer. Thanks.

When your button is pushed, ask yourself what is it that I see in them or can’t tolerate in them that may be buried my own shadow. Try to bring some light into your shadow so you can grow. This creates an opportunity for your own growth.

Now, when one person starts to grow, let’s suppose we’re talking now about two half-moons, two incomplete people, two halves. When one person starts to grow, that’s going to create both crisis and opportunity for their partner. If you say saying to someone “you’re not who you used” to be should not be punitive or judgmental. If we grow, reflect, and emerge, we shouldn’t necessarily be exactly who we have always been before.

So, when your partner starts to change or grow, instead of hammering at them and saying you’re not who I thought you were, instead of engaging in crisis and conflict, look at this as opportunity. Two people who come together to complete themselves. When one person starts to change and grow, we have a crisis. This relationship will no longer work unless both people head down the path of growth.

This is one, just one, of the fundamental problems and why relationships become unhappy over time or fall into conflict. I’m not suggesting it’s the only reason by any means, as you know, it’s far more complex than that and communication plays a large role in all of this but it’s an opportunity when you see them change you have an opportunity to ask yourself what do I need to work on what do I need to change.

You know in my work as a couple’s counselor I often hear one person say, “it’s not my issue it’s his issue it’s her issue.” Well, there’s no such thing there’s no separation remember a relationship is a quantum entanglement. We are separate individuals but uniquely coalescing in a way where we can’t sort out the differences, a virtual entanglement.

So, if he has an issue, of course, it becomes my issue as well. Looking at it as his issue or her issue goes back to this “my other half.” Now, again, when you’re feeling triggered, take responsibility rather than blame the other person. Share your trigger.

What would that sound like? It might sound like, “you know, you’re always so calm and reflective and now you’re doing these deep analytical dives into yourself and it’s making me uncomfortable.” That’s sharing my trigger as opposed to trying to just shut down what I don’t see and don’t like. Don’t blame the other person. Identify your trigger. Identify what doesn’t feel comfortable or safe or loving and share how you feel.

By the way, if you’re listening to this and you’re not in a relationship, be really cautious about being attracted to your opposite. Work instead on moving toward your own completeness. Again, relationships would have an entirely different outcome and result if we worked on completing ourselves, or moving toward completion. I don’t mean to suggest we’re ever complete and we never should be. It’s a lifelong evolving process but literally taking the term “my other half” if we really step back and look at it is horribly judgmental about the other person and about my own self.

We fall into committed relationships often at such tender young ages and we don’t know ourselves well enough. We haven’t evolved enough. So if you’re not currently in a relationship work toward your own growth and evolving toward your own completeness and wholeness before you fall into the trap of “my other half” and as you grow and evolve, you should come to see that you start to become attracted not to your opposite but to the person who can reflect and embellish upon the qualities of yourself that you enjoy and like where you’re in a complimentary relationship which means there may be differences but you work toward enhancing each other rather than completing each other.

Well, I hope you enjoy today’s show look forward to speaking with you again soon and be well.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast and I welcome your feedback on this or any episode. Please send me an email at Mel at Mel Schwartz. com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at Mel Schwartz. com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcast. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to The Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcast. In that way, you’ll never miss an episode and thanks again and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life as you embrace new possibilities.

The post #085: Why Do Opposites Attract? first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The concept of self-worth remains tragically misunderstood in our culture. In this encore episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz originally presented in 2019, I explain the true and powerful nature of authentic self-esteem.

I’m joined by a therapy client who shares his challenges with measuring himself and how he has broken free of this burden.

Low self-esteem is at the source of most of our emotional and psychological challenges. Developing genuine self-worth is the foundation for well-being and thriving in your life and your relationships so you can stop moving the goal posts on your happiness.

Most people seek to bolster their sense of self by being well thought of, or admired by others, or by avoiding disapproval. As well, most individuals think that achievement and success in and of itself will create genuine self-esteem.

Have you reclaimed your unlimited, innate sense of self, and so stopped deferring your happiness? Tell me about it… in the comments!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #084Welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m Mel Schwartz, your host and thought provocateur. I’ve been practicing psychotherapy for well over 20 years. During that time, I’ve been so fortunate to witness countless breakthroughs while working with people whether one on one as a speaker in professional trainings or in workshops. The insights that I’ve garnered have inspired me to write over a hundred articles and several books including the companion title to this podcast The Possibility Principle which you can find wherever books are sold. On this and every episode, I’ll be introducing new ways of thinking, relating, and communicating to help you truly thrive in your life to reach the possibilities that you may long for. Think of this as a new game plan for living. Thanks for enjoying my emerging community of possibility seekers and I hope you enjoy the show.

The term self-esteem is terribly misunderstood and misapplied in our culture and in professional fields including psychology. I have found that authentic self-esteem which is the exception for people lies at the core of a life full of vitality and resilience and the ability to enjoy thriving relationships with other people.

But I believe that as a culture we don’t understand the concept of self-esteem.

Let’s look at the term. Self-esteem suggests that the worth we’re trying to evaluate is how we feel about ourselves. Reference being on the word self. Yet I find professionally and personally that most people try to protect their sense of self or drive a good sense of self paradoxically from outside of themselves. They try to make sure other people don’t think poorly of them or don’t disapprove of them. Some people perhaps we might call them people pleasers look to have other people approve of them or like them. This drive to manipulate other people to get us to think a certain way of us has nothing to do with self.

So, I’ve come to call that term other esteem. In other words, when we betray ourselves or manipulate ourselves to get others to think of us in a certain way, that is the opposite of authentic self-worth. It is other esteem. I believe that low self-esteem, low or marginal self-worth is actually at the core of most of our struggles in relationships and in life.

The DSM, the diagnostic and statistical manual which presents all of the psychological and psychiatric diagnosis has no diagnosis for low self-esteem. That is just mind boggling. I believe that low self-esteem is at the source, the foundation of anxiety, depression, ADHD, and a whole other host of problems that we have that get diagnoses which are actually secondary. The core problem is how we value ourselves. Perhaps there is no diagnosis for this because the pharmaceutical industry has not patented a drug yet that can treat it. In fact, I don’t believe they ever will but unless we look at the core of what creates and underscores authentic self-worth, we struggle through life.

Let’s look at some of the beliefs common in western society or particularly American culture. Don’t act weak. Don’t show your weakness. It’s a common meme. Perhaps more so for men than women but for women as well. I find is at the source of our travails and struggles wherever I look.

Acting strong is acting. And acting is weak. It means we will act a certain way to get others to think of us in a certain way. That’s not strong. Authentic self-worth requires embracing your vulnerability.

Now, what do I mean by vulnerability? By vulnerability, I’m suggesting anything that we think or feel that we are sensitive as to what others may think of us or how others may judge us. That’s our vulnerable side which we protect. So when we are protecting what we’re sensitive about or vulnerable, we are betraying ourselves and investing ourselves in putting on a camouflage, a mask, a false persona so we appear certain way for other people. Now here’s the kicker folks. Virtually everyone does this. So, we’re all doing it to and with one another.

Whenever I have an opportunity to work with a group of people in a workshop setting and they all reveal their vulnerable self, there’s a sense of relief as they see everyone else in the room doing the same thing. In other words, we’re hiding from each other.

Now, when I ask people why they do that, they may say they don’t want to be judged by other people. Let’s take a look a concept of judgement. Everyone has an opinion. That’s natural. But when we take someone’s opinion and elevate it and call it a judgement, we have done that. We have elevated their opinion to the status of judge. And they don’t even know it. At other times we may say we don’t want people to reject us. We’re afraid of their rejection. But you see other people can’t reject you unless you’re rejecting yourself. If you’ve developed an authentic sense of self-worth and self-esteem, you may be saddened or disappointed, even upset by someone else’s opinion of you but to say that they rejected you means you have placed them above you as though you’re sitting on a seesaw with them and you’re in the down position, you have placed them in the up position and you’ve concluded they rejected you but it’s really a rejection of your own self. And going further we call it a judgement.

Now I’m fond of saying that there’s only one person that can judge me. If I have to appear in court and the man or the woman in long black robes is hearing my case they get to be my judge. Everyone else is just a person with an opinion.

Now that doesn’t mean that we should be insensitive to what other people think or feel of us. That would be mean. It wouldn’t be compassionate. We should be sensitive. So, the position, the balance that we want to hold is that I’m a good with me. I’m not going to hide or disguise myself from you or from what I’m concerned that you may think of me. The core sense is I’m good with me.

Now, if I’m good with me, you don’t have an opportunity to be my judge. I may care what you think about me but I won’t care to the extent of pretending or marginalizing or hiding or cloaking or disguising myself. Why would I want to subordinate myself to everyone else?

So people who struggle with low self-esteem and by the way I would suggest it’s probably the majority of our population. People who struggle with low self-esteem have a sense that they are the center of attention like everyone’s looking at them. I recall years ago working with a young man whose self-worth was low and it occurred to me that he was going through life as though he were on stage and everyone was looking at him and I remember saying to Mark, “You’re not on stage. Pretty much that no one’s looking. They all have their own life issues to deal with. They’re not focused on you but as a culture, we are indoctrinated towards seeking other esteem.”

So, if you children, if they get great or exemplary grades, that creates other esteem. If they’re a star on a athletic field that creates other esteem. Why is it other? Because if your sense of self is dependent or contingent upon a grade or an athletic performance or what others think of you, you’re not safe. You’re at risk because you can’t assure what your grade will be or your athletic performance or your popularity or your success in business. We focus so much on achievement, but low self-worth just decimates our ability to live happily and joyfully and when we look at the majority of problems in relationships or if I look at it through my experience, I find that self-worth issues are the cracks in the foundation that may turn into conflict or unhappiness or betrayal in a relationship.

So, low self-esteem leaks out everywhere. In previous show we’ve looked at the nature of our thoughts and beliefs about ourself. I didn’t use the label at that point, self-esteem or other esteem, but they are at the core of these issues around how we see ourselves and the pathway through this is twofold is to rethink how we’re going after this game of life to stop hiding and concerning ourselves with what others think of me causing me to throw myself under the bus and then on a more micro level is to look at my thoughts and beliefs that betray me.

Thoughts that analyze and measure and compare yourself with other people are number one, contrived false thinking, and two, they divert you from being at peace in harmony with yourself. When your thought makes a measurement and contrast and compares you with someone else, it’s constructing false realities, setting up judgement and you come out no doubt at the bottom of that score and that measurement. So, the irony here is that hiding yourself from someone else and worrying and fretting about what they’re thinking actually makes you weak and insecure and dependent upon what you think they think of you. Developing authentic self-esteem and in the future show, we’re going to discuss reaching authenticity and what that looks like, to reach the authentic self, we have to stop judging and worrying about what others think of us.

I’m really delighted and excited to have a special guest on today. A young man with whom I’ve had the pleasure of working on and off for a while. His name is Gray. Gray has been an avid learner as he has been determined to develop authentic self-esteem and overcome the issues and challenges of what I’ve referred to as other esteem. Gray and I have been working on ways in which his thought betrays him as it’s comparing and measuring him against where he thinks other people are.

Um so Gray welcome to the show.

GRAY: Thanks so much for having me today, Mel. I’m really excited to be here.

So, Gray, why don’t we jump in anywhere that you like. We can reconsider old conversations. You can present some new challenges wherever you’d like to go.

GRAY: Well, I think a good place to start might be to just reflect on some of the conversations we’ve had in the past and some of the strategies and tactics you’ve you’ve really helped me establish. You know, coming out of what I like to think of is a pretty high-pressure environment both at home and then in college, I had this great sort of tendency built into me to look out into the rest of the world and say, you know, sort of where do I sit in in relation to somebody else. As a result, I think it, I developed this really unhealthy habit of just measuring myself constantly.

GRAY: You know, whether be in the context of myself versus my future self, myself versus my past self, myself versus a peer versus a colleague, or somebody that I don’t even know, I got into this place where my mind would, before anything else, sit back and say well what is the rest of the world or what is the rest of insert some group here gotta think about the decision that I made and what I found to be one of the more problematic symptoms of that kind of mindset has been a lot of stalled action and a lot of sort of frozen in fear approach to to life where I decide to go the safest route which is to not do anything at all. And I think one of the things that we’ve really done a great job working through is is conceptualizing my self esteem as being driven by and and guided by my own approval of myself first and foremost and I think one of the great tactics that we’ve really worked through and worked on has been around sort of addressing the thought at the creation at the starting point so when I when I do find myself feeling concerned about the feelings of others drawing just an awareness a general drawing up an awareness to that thought and making a second you know sort of forcing a second questioning of what it is that that I’m really afraid of.

GRAY: I think in a world where social media is so prevalent and everything is so publicized, there’s this sort of incessant need to feel like your life is being measured by everybody else and there’s so much concern is being placed on your status as reflected by how many followers you might have or how many friends you might have or how big your network is and I think I felt victim to to a lot of that sort of thinking you know I I I sat back and I would say X Y or Z thing is is happening in somebody else’s life and it hasn’t isn’t happening in mine and because of that I am I am less than they are. And I think one of the other great things that we’ve really established is that everybody is their own individual person. Everybody has their own individual character and their own self worth and their own personality. Uh and you should sort of covet nobody else’s other than your own.

So let’s imagine this. Let’s imagine there are thought bubbles over all of our heads. And we can see one another’s thought bubbles. And the thought bubble has thoughts like hm they have more followers than I do. What’s wrong with me? Or someone else’s thought bubble of you is wow he’s dating a beautiful young woman and I’m not seeing anyone. What’s wrong with me? What would he think of me? And all of these thought bubbles are comparing ourselves to others based upon our measurement of what I think they think of me but everyone’s doing it. But now and then we come across somebody who doesn’t have that kind of thought bubble. Now and then we come across somebody who’s actually at peace with themselves. And not measuring themself compared to everyone else. Only this person stands out. In their uniqueness. And in their confidence and their self worth. Because they are truly okay with themselves. Now that doesn’t mean that person is insensitive or callous about what other people think. It’s just that they’re cool with themselves.

GRAY: Right.

And they’re not worried about what other people think or how other people are measuring. See the whole concept there Gray is that the perpetual measuring of self is the problem. Now I’m not suggesting that we should be laisse faire or indifferent. We want to check in with ourselves but to do it in a gentle and kind way like how am I doing? How am I feeling? What do I need to work on? But the moment we introduce this universal competition as though we’re in a race with the rest of humankind or in your case in a race with your peer group. What’s the race? Where are we racing toward?

You know recently you shared with me some concerns and aspirations about your career and you shared with me that there’s a place where you think you should be at your age in terms of experience in resume, right?

GRAY: Right.

And my response to you as well, if that’s the measure we’re taking, that would make me a complete failure.

GRAY: Right.

Because I didn’t start graduate school to become a psychotherapist until I was 40 years old. So, by the by the means of measuring myself, I failed. I failed terribly. I wasn’t on the path soon enough. Yet the reality is if I had gone to grad school as a young man right out of college it might have been a wrong time for me. Maybe I needed to gain certain life experiences and insights and evolve in a certain way. So the key is to be able to navigate your life. To feel in the flow where you’re not hapless and a victim of circumstances. But you’re tuned in. The only way we can tune in and acquire wisdom and deeper knowledge of ourself is to stop measuring. You can’t measure yourself and be present at the same time. And you can’t measure yourself and be at peace at the same time. So if the goal is to attain authentic self esteem, that looks like I’m okay with me. I’m good with me. I have some things to work on. I have more growing to do. But I’m tuning into myself as opposed to being in a race with everybody else.

GRAY: Right.

So you’ve made progress in that way. Can you speak to what some of your gains look like?

GRAY: So I think one of the best methods that I’ve really come across is understanding to the best of my ability where my values are and what I feel is most important to myself at this point in time. I think for a long while what I wanted everything all at once. And through a lot of the discussions we’ve had it started to be made clear to me that not only were those interest sort of based in again what I believe to be what I needed in order to gain approval or gain you know noteriety or gain status in certain subgroup a lot a lot of times the you know the the nature of that group was something that I wasn’t even interested really in when when you and I kind of look deep into it but I think one of the biggest things has been just really getting to listening to myself and what it is I want to progress in and structuring it so that I’m the only voice of of you know the only input in the whole entire equation and so a great example could be something like my interest in developing wisdom a lot of thing that we kind of come to talk about often for the longest time I considered it to be just something that was based in that wisdom was something that was based just solely in knowledge that you just needed to to know more and I constantly felt like I’m just not smart enough yet to be wise I’m not smart enough yet to to really to have anything of value to add and I think one of the things that we’ve really done a great job with is is pulling back some of the layers of self doubt pulling back some of the layers of of self criticism and self sabotaging and making a point to to listen to and emphasize the voice inside of me that’s saying hey man move in this direction.

So you you may recall that what gets in the way of wisdom is the space between our thoughts. We are at the mercy of our thoughts. We are imprisoned by thought. So wisdom comes when I become the thinker. When I can step back and see what my thought is telling me. In the nanosecond between your thoughts, you’re in a state of pure potential. We’ve talked about that. Now in that Space of pure potential is where wisdom can arise. Intuitive wisdom even brilliance. Genuine authentic self esteem means that I’ve developed the ability to supersede my analyzing critical thought. I’ve gone shush to those thoughts. And I’ve allowed my thinking to invite in wisdom. That only happens when we quiet just quiet the nature of our critical thought.

GRAY: Yeah. I think that I mean I think that speaks to a really powerful tactic that you’ve you’ve sort of taught me and and I think one part is to to quiet it. And another part is to potentially take take a closer look at what it is that thought’s really saying. And I think for a long time I never really even questioned that the nature of my you know the nature of my thought. I I took it at face value. I never even really considered that my thought was what was causing my emotions to come up you know was causing my my mind to move in a certain direction. I I I wasn’t conscious of the fact that a thought was something that was not necessarily tied to a truth. And doesn’t necessarily need to be anything other than just a thought. And in that way it provides it creates a lot of freedom to to sort of explore what it is your brain is thinking. Break down what might be behind that and then get to either a root problem or a root positive in that your mind might be saying hey all in one moment it might be saying hey you’re not good enough and at the same time it’s saying you are good enough. And you may have without acknowledging the fact that thoughts are are you know can coexist and be mutually exclusive and and be you know sort of run counter to each other without acknowledging the fact that thoughts are just thoughts it’s really easy to sort of get derailed and I found myself and and a lot of times falling down a really deep dark rabbit hole and with the tactics that you’ve taught me I’ve now been able to kind of crawl back out of that or stop stop the slipping when it starts to happen.

So let’s let’s reiterate some of those tactics that help. Freedom from thought. The ability to see the thought. Gray when you’re talking about sliding down the rabbit hole, you are experiencing relentless thought that was telling you you’re failing. You’re not succeeding. You’re not measuring up. Where are other people in their progress? Where are you? Those are all the thoughts that were destructive to you. New thinking would be who says I’m supposed to measure myself and how would I even know my measurements are accurate or valid new thinking is I don’t want to be imprisoned by those thoughts.

Now if the goal is developing authentic self esteem authentic self esteem requires embracing vulnerability not acting strong because acting strong is acting and acting is weak. Embracing vulnerability means I have nothing to hide. This is who I am. These are my strengths, my weaknesses, my hopes, my disappointments, I have nothing to hide from anyone. When you can act like that, you have developed genuine, authentic self esteem, your sense of self is no longer dependent upon what you think someone else thinks of you. You’re no longer setting other people up as your judge. And you’re no longer judging yourself. You’re embracing yourself. You’re nurturing yourself. You’re cultivating yourself. That’s the goal to develop authentic self worth is the cultivation of ourself not the measuring of ourself.

GRAY: Yeah I think that’s a I think that’s a brilliantly put point and something that I’ve thought a ton about in so much the as key to really developing self-esteem for me so far has been learning to love myself or learning the essential need to love myself and all of its flaws and all of its great strengths and all of its positives and negatives and everything that comes with it but really getting to a place where I’m concerned with my own well being and I am invested in ensuring that well being continues to grow and I think something that’s been really useful for me has been our conversations that really focus on why somebody else’s approval and validation and why somebody else’s affirmation of who you are isn’t what most important if you can’t go to sleep at the end of the night and be happy and be content with what and who you are in that moment and you’re constantly seeking and needing the approval of others just to feel fine you’re setting yourself up for a ton a ton of problems.

GRAY: and I think one of the one of my most poignant experiences with that has been as a young romantic when relationships have sort of come to an end and in an unhealthier less confident way I kind of allowed myself to be built up by the my partner in the relationship or by a girlfriend at the time and when that source of validation was pulled up from under me I was left feeling hopeless and feeling like I was all of these things all everything that would make me inadequate and I think when you and I started and when you and I often had engaged in these conversations when I was going through problems or when I was dealing with a breakup you made it really really clear to me that it was in these moments that I needed to love myself the most and it was in those moments that I needed to think most intensely about who it is I’m allowing to dictate my self worth who it is that I’m allowing to make me feel and shifting that focus and that that owner of of my own peace and my own love and my own self worth moving that owner from some external source and back into my own hands and something that I found to be the most enlightening and the most encouraging of all this is that in the context of a romantic relationship the real value is added when both people are entirely themselves with no compromise and I maybe compromise maybe the wrong term here but compromising compromise to me in this context means you are who you are and you bring yourself to that table every single time you engage with them you are giving them your unadultered self and for the longest time a lot of what I did was sort of play into what I felt I needed to be to make the other person happy.

GRAY: So whether that was faking some interest in a topic that I didn’t really care about whether it was providing a compliment that was at at its core empty or simply pulling back and withholding my own comments or my own or my own perspective from a situation where I felt it wouldn’t be well received. And so uh I think I think what we’ve done a really great job of is is sort of emphasizing that when when you’re you somebody may reject you but that might only be an indication that that person isn’t ready or isn’t interest you know that that person isn’t compatible with with who you might really be.

These are excellent points Gray and and they make me think that this would make a great show to do in the future unto itself which is what get in the way of successful relationship and relating and it requires two people who are at least devoted to working on their own authenticity.

GRAY: Right.

And their own authentic self worth to thrive in a relationship. Otherwise, we set up this codependence which is rooted in fear and insecurity and that’s why relationships are hard along with the fact that we haven’t learned the communication techniques but develop your own authenticity, your own genuine self worth and then a relationship is about how it can enhance you but it’s not based upon need with the capital and so you know what Gray, if you’d like to come back and join me and the future show on authenticity and relationships, I’d love to have you join and thanks so much for joining us today.

GRAY: I would absolutely love to and thank you so much for having me, Mel. This was a pleasure.

We’ve just started to touch upon this fundamental, existential, considerable, monumental, lot lot of expletives there. Issue of self worth. Today, we primarily look at our problem with self worth. Our cultural indoctrination toward acting strong. You know, acting strong ultimately means we’re walking around with a suit of armor clanking around in fear as though we’re doing battle all the time.

That is not authentic self esteem folks. We need to start to pan penetrate this concept of judgement again unless you’re in a courtroom. There is no judge. You’re judging yourself and projecting that power onto someone else. And remember you’re not on stage. People aren’t analyzing you and looking at you. You’re doing that to yourself.

So we will have any number of shows on this topic and we will continue to revisit. And coming up shortly we will have an episode on how we can work toward attaining our authentic self. Our authentic self lives without fear or apprehension or hesitation about what others think of us. It invests your thoughts and your beliefs into being your genuine self all the while hoping that those you care about like you think well of you but if they don’t, we allow that because we’re still secure and intact with our own self.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast with me, Mel Schwartz. To learn more about this topic and related subjects, please be sure to check out The Possibility Principle, my book at The Possibility Principle dot com. I always welcome and look forward to your feedback, please leave a comment at the show notes for this episode at Mel Schwartz dot com slash podcast or simply send me an email at Mel at Mel Schwartz dot com. You can also use that email if you’d like to be a caller on the future show and have a topic you’d like me to discuss. If you never want to miss an episode, find The Possibility Principle at Apple Podcast or wherever you listen and be sure to hit that subscribe button. You’ll get new episodes as soon as they are released and if you know anyone who might benefit from The Possibility Podcast, please tell them about the show. Thank you for listening and until next time, have a great day and keep summoning up those new possibilities.

The post #084: The Power of Authentic Self Esteem (Encore Presentation) first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 083 features an examination of participatory thinking, the key to recreating yourself and embracing possibility.

Listen learn the key to breaking the habit of literal thinking so you can embrace uncertainty and transform your sense of self and bolster your self-worth.

In what ways can you recognize that certain self-limiting beliefs stem from objective, literal thinking? How might you adjust your perception in a way that allows you to participate subjectively with your thoughts? Let me know… in the comments!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #083Hello, everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy and marriage counseling and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the inspiration and the companion to this podcast. I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking, a new philosophy and a new game plan for life and all of the infinite possibilities that await you.

Hello everybody and welcome to today’s episode. We’re going to explore the ability to literally recreate ourselves. Not just a slow process of evolution, but to experience our lives as part of a creative force much more in alignment with how reality seems to operate than how we trick ourselves by thinking that we are fixed. You know we tend to think of ourselves as static, inert, fixed. As I’ve discussed previously the question of who am I requires a fixed answer but in reality nothing is fixed. Reality is flowing perpetually flowing and remaking itself and guess what aren’t we part of reality? So we need to stop tricking ourselves into thinking that change is hard. Reimagine this and think that with every breath you take you can open to new possibilities.

Now I’m not just speaking here in a very figurative way. We’re going to move into how you can actually summon those new possibilities in an actual way but in this battle that goes back and forth in our identity, we privately may think of ourselves in a factual way. Are we this or are we that? But do we also think of possibilities about venturing forth in creating new experiences, new experiences within ourself and new experiences out there?

So, not so surprisingly, quantum physics provides a great reference for us to be able to rethink ourselves, reimagine ourselves, and recreate ourselves. As you’ve heard me explain many times, in quantum physics, reality appears to be in a purest state of potentiality. Meaning, we can’t say reality is. Reality is always waiting to happen and perpetually recreating itself.

What is it that creates reality in the world of science and quantum physics is observation. That state of reality requires observation. Making an observation takes the infinite possibilities and reduces them to a reality in the moment.

But that reality keeps remaking itself. That is called a wave collapse. The reducing of the possibilities and potential into a finite thing. So in science. in quantum physics, observation creates the reality. The same thing happens in our relationship with our self. We’ll move into that shortly but for the moment, our observation, meaning our beliefs, our thoughts, and our feelings summon our reality.

Now, rather than thinking of reality existing independently, we must rethink it and think of a reality making process. There’s not an objective truth about reality but perpetual inexorable reality making. This is known as a participatory reality. Not just in quantum physics but in our personal lives. My thoughts, my beliefs, and my feelings participate fundamentally in creating my reality. So, we’re going to extract these realities from quantum physics into our personal lives.

Now, the theme of quantum physics is uncertainty. In uncertainty, all possibilities exist even for us. If things are not predetermined if the script of our life is not written for us yet, shouldn’t we exist in a state of possibility?

Think about the contrast between having a thought of why can’t I? Something motivational or hopeful. Why can’t I as opposed to why I can’t? We create our reality with which thought or belief we grab a hold of. So, our personal level, the micro human level. In the nanosecond, before you have your next thought, you exist in a state of pure possibilities. Let’s take a look at what I’m saying.

Your state of pure possibility and pure potential resides in the space between your thoughts because you see it’s your thoughts and your feelings that are the wave collapse. Your thoughts and feelings reduce the possibilities and create a reality. Thought operates the same as the wave collapse.

Now, thought and feeling work into tandem. The moment you have a thought, that thought summons up the accompanying feeling and then loops back into the next thought. So, we get stuck in these cycles because of thought and feeling and fundamentally, underneath thoughts and feelings are beliefs, beliefs about what we hold dear, true, untrue, possible, impossible. These beliefs all inform our reality making process.

Ask yourself right now, generally speaking, do your thoughts tend to be your ally or your critic? The answer to that is going to write the script of your life.

I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you a gift to one of the following The Power of Mind Alive Talk that I gave or one of my digital e-books, Creating Authentic Self Esteem, Overcoming Anxiety or Raising Resilient Children and lastly, Cultivating Resilient Relationships. Once you have subscribed, please send an email to Mel at Mel Schwartz. com and just let me know which gift you’d prefer. Thanks.

We’re going to dive more deeply now into the nature of thought and I’m going to explain the difference between literal thought and participatory thinking. This is not just an academic exercise. It’s going to be immeasurably important to you.

Most of our recurring thoughts are the result of our beliefs and limiting wave collapses, usually early childhood. We’re not typically aware of where they’re coming from. So, if you’ve carried a thought with you throughout your life like I’m not good enough or I’m not smart enough or I’m a failure, you don’t see it as a thought. You accept it as the objective truth. These confining thoughts from your primary beliefs about yourself script your experience and your life trauma and they get in the way of recreating yourself moment in and moment out.

Not recognizing that our thoughts are falsely reporting a truth to us, we accept the story they’re telling us. This is known as literal thought. Literal thought reports in on a so-called truth into the scene. You know what it sounds like? The thought starts with you are such and such. I am such and such. It is…

This manner of thinking is completely at odds with the participatory paradigm. From this new participatory worldview, our subjective thoughts and perceptions participate completely in our reality making process. So, it’s essential to understand the difference between literal thought and participatory thinking.

Last week, in a session with a client, I proposed looking at the nature of thought and separating from it and my client said to me, that’s not easy to do. Her thought was appearing to assert the truth. That’s not easy to do. She stated the truth.

I asked her, have you ever tried doing this before? She said, no. They said, how do you know? It’s not easy to do. You see, her literal thought was stating a fact. I encourage her to move beyond it and say, I notice my thought telling me this was going to be hard to do. She could then distinguish between what her thought was telling her and her reality.

This is not just simple semantics. It moves us from feeling like a victim of circumstances toward being able to create new life experiences. If we separate from the thought and notice what is saying, we are no longer just purveyors of old thought stuck in the groove of old thought. We are thinking. Thinking is the gateway. It is the portal to creating new life experiences.

Now, also this observation looking at the thought, it slows down the automatic nature. You know, great athletes often claim when they’re at peak performance in the zone. They seem to see the action in slow motion. This is what we need to seek as we slow down the torrent of the old thought process. The higher our state of awareness, allows us to see and choose our thoughts and develop a deeper, more grounded sense of ourselves. Just think of the difference between these following statements:

Literal thought. He is so selfish and he cares about himself. I mean nothing to him, his wife confided in me.

Or participatory thinking: You know Mel, I’ve been having a thought or feeling. I’ve had that feeling for a long time and that thought is telling me he’s uncaring and selfish.

Now, we can dive in. Understand her experience. Why is she experiencing that? Why is he acting a certain way? In the first statement, literal thought is telling us an unyielding truth. It’s speaking about an objective reality. The second statement reflects participatory thinking. So, what’s the big difference?

Well, the first is objective, a false reality, it draws a conclusion and it leaves no room for contemplation, stuck. The second, the participatory thinking is subjective. It’s about how you see him. It can be about how you see yourself. Well, then you can be free in the next moment to choose to see yourself differently, that’s how recreating yourself happens.

Whether you’re thinking to yourself or reflecting on your perceptions or communicating with someone else, the preface, I’m having a thought which is telling me, it breaks the automatic repetition of old beliefs and old thoughts that keeps us static and inert. It enables us to take ownership of the thought and see it operating.

From this new participatory worldview, ideas of separation fall away and we are part of an inseparable flowing reality and our mind is the primary participant. From this perspective, we can see thought as subjectively representing what we think we see out there. Just as seeing your thought allows you not to become the thought, the same holds true with your feelings. The goal is to see your feelings arise, identify them, note them.

If you’re feeling hurt or angry, express what you’re feeling instead of becoming the feeling.

In a couples session I was conducting some time ago, Sarah’s voice became really angry and her body stiffened as she recounted how her husband failed her as a co-parent. Her hostile communication could only cause her husband to defend himself. So I asked her to pause. Notice what she was feeling. Express the feeling rather than becoming the feeling.

To recreate yourself. To evolve at warp speed. To have curiosity and wonder and engagement with your life, it’s absolutely essential to remember, in the space between your thoughts, between your old thoughts, you exist in a state of pure possibility. To summon that possibility, we need to move into that space. That space is participatory thinking.

Here’s another example. I was working with a young man around his self-esteem issues. He had a recurring question that kept stalling him out. What will they think of me if I say this or it sounds weird to them? That’s literal thought. He believed that other people were judging him and evaluating him. In fact, he was judging himself, projecting that judgment onto other people and then imagining that he was on stage for other people to critique.

After teaching him the difference between literal thought and participatory thinking, I asked him to express his concern in a participatory way. He struggled but eventually, he said, I keep having the same worry. The same old thought that others are judging me but I guess I see that’s just what my thought is telling me, and probably not valid.

Here’s an exercise. Try it on. The next time you experience an upsetting feeling, pause and ask yourself what literal thought you had to set up that feeling. You could see the literal nature of the thought is it pretends to be an objective truth. It might sound like he never, she always, they are, I am. Now, take the literal thought and rephrase it in a participatory way. I’m having a thought that is telling me such and such. You now see your participation in that thought.

Ask yourself, what if my beliefs about myself and others aren’t necessarily factually true? How can I recreate myself any moment that I choose to? I need to summon that space between old thoughts and old feelings and move into participatory thinking. Ask myself new questions, contemplate in a new way. Reach into that space beyond predictability. That is where your imagination, your creativity, and the power of your evolutionary process lie.

Breathe in, breathe out. Old thought, new thinking. Make new thinking your ally and life can be an absolutely exciting journey.

Well, until next time, I wish you health, emotional prosperity, and well-being. Looking forward to talking with you again soon.

The post #083: How to Recreate Yourself Right Now first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 082, I take a hard look at why we need to stop using the terms “mental health” and “mental illness.” What’s the alternative? Listen to discover a holistic, whole-life and whole-history perspective when examining the struggles and challenges that keep us from experiencing mind wellness.

Have you had an experience with a limited, sterile mind health diagnosis that ignored many of the important factors in your life? Let me know… in the comments!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #082Hello, everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy and marriage counseling and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, The Inspiration and The Companion to this podcast. I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking, a new philosophy and a new game plan for life and all of the infinite possibilities that await you.

Hello, everybody. I’m going to explore, and more honestly, eviscerate and rip apart, the terms mental health and mental illness. I find them harmful, old paradigm thinking, and destructive.

First of all, let’s look at the term mental. He or she is mental. What does that suggest? It implies that mental in this case means there’s something wrong with them. When you look up the word mental, you’ll find that it may refer alternatively to your intellect or to your feelings as though they are separate. We have to step back and look at this whole philosophy of psychology and really really understand that we’re operating from a very old paradigm of dysfunction. It doesn’t really speak to wellness.

By the way, where is mental located? Can you point to it? Most of us would point to our head but how about our heart, our feelings, our biography? There’s so much more involved here. So, I’m going to propose that we need to change this term mental health or mental wellness. Change it to what? Well, let’s take a look at it.

As you’ve heard me explain in many prior episodes of The Possibility Podcast, we have a tendency to pathologize, to turn normal life experiences into dysfunctions and not actually to look at the larger operating system, our environment, the way we live, what we value that contributes to our challenges, this Cartesian reductive tendency to reduce a symptom to a cause has us missed the bigger picture. So I am proposing a new term. Perhaps we should use the word mind rather than mental.

The mind in the way I describe it encompasses your beliefs, your thoughts, your feelings, and your entire biographical history. We need mind health and mind wellness. In this case, mind does not refer simply to the intellect but the whole being.

So now, let’s consider what impacts mind health or mind wellness which until now we called mental health. Well, there are so many places we can go. First of all, we start with our family, our life history. How that has impacted us? Where we are in terms of our financial ability to have proper nutrition. Are you or your family members able to afford nutritious food, not laden with chemicals that are going to impact your feelings, your thoughts, your distractedness? The correlation between so many of the chemicals and additives in food as to how it impacts hyperactivity. Yet, the diagnosis of ADHD is given without anybody ever asking, tell me about how you eat. Tell me about how you sleep. What’s life like in your home? How does exercise impact our mind health and our mind wellness? Well, I think that’s a rhetorical question by now we all know that along with eating well and eating healthy, exercise is one of the most valuable things we can do along with meditation.

What else impacts what we previously called mental health? Things that we don’t look at. Spirituality. What are your beliefs about life? What are your beliefs about death? If you believe that you’re born, you live, hopefully you get old, and you die and that’s the end of you. You’re going to experience a very different life than if you have a spiritual belief that something happens beyond death.

Education: where you unfortunately born in a zip code whereby the tax revenues were really limited so the quality of your education was really limited and how does that education and the limitations and constraints on your ability to live well, eat well, live in good housing, earn enough money to sustain yourself and your family. How does that impact your mental health or your mental illness?

How does your environment impact your mental health and your mental wellness? Are you living in a safe environment or crime laden environment? Do you ever get to see the sun? How does pollution affect you? How are all of these things either hospitable your well-being or inhospitable?

How does fear impact you and your life and your mental health and your mental wellness? Fear can be very personal. Did you grow up in a family and an environment where you had an alcoholic or an abusive parent? Did fear become part of the archetype of your being? If so, that fear would absolutely impact your well-being, your ability to be still to be quiet. The toxicity, fear has a direct correlation to your well-being to your mental health.

How about abuse? Have you been abused? Did you grow up in an environment in the family where you saw family members being abused? Was there violence? How did that impact you? You see the dichotomy that we’re creating here between just looking at the symptom and not understanding the underlying pieces that informed us is part of what I call the pathologizing.

I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you a gift to one of the following The Power of Mind Alive Talk that I gave or one of my digital e-books, Creating Authentic Self Esteem, Overcoming Anxiety or Raising Resilient Children and lastly, Cultivating Resilient Relationships. Once you have subscribed, please send an email to Mel at Mel Schwartz. com and just let me know which gift you’d prefer. Thanks.

I’m going to share a story with you about what happens when we reduce a human being to a diagnostic term and don’t look underneath it.

I had been working with a man in his early 20s, let’s call him Timothy. He shared with me that he had felt severely depressed his entire life he was isolated borderline suicidal and he dropped out of college and when we reviewed the history of his therapy he recounted a detached mechanical series of interventions. All of his psychologists and psychiatrists diagnosed him and medicated him. They said the best he could do was to try to manage his depression. They were contributing to his beliefs that he was a damaged human being, mentally ill.

First, I tried to understand on an emphatic level what this word depression felt like for him. I wasn’t so much interested in the clinical term but what this word signified for him. He shared a traumatic period early in his life when his alcoholic father was emotionally and verbally abusive. This created a confining wave collapse. Remember, for me, wave collapse is a quantum term that expresses why our identity literally collapsed and became confined. So, having this wave collapse of an emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic father helped him develop a coping mechanism.

Timothy’s coping mechanism helped him compensate for feeling at risk. You see, rather than feeling at risk to feel safe, he had to insulate himself in a womb-like protection. He literally protected himself from disengaging life in relationships on any intimate level. He did that early in life to protect himself from an abusive father but that coping mechanism remained rigid in him. He began living a reclusive life. He avoided any interpersonal contact whenever he could. He never got to enjoy friends, hobbies, sports, and he isolated himself into young adulthood.

I said to him, living life that way would mean feeling depressed would make perfect sense. Why wouldn’t he be depressed? He was barely living. His depression was symptomatic of his lifeless experience. Given his previous therapies, I presented him with a radically new belief. Could it be that might he potentially be able to overcome his affliction of depression. I suggested to him that he wasn’t damaged as much as he was damaging himself.

I was urging him to create a new defining moment full of possibilities where he could shift his perspective and realize that by inflicting isolation on himself, he was enduring his consequences. I was trying to have him buy into new possibilities.

His recurring thought, there’s something wrong with me, just affirmed his whole history of therapy. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Something was indeed wrong with him. His primary beliefs and ensuing thoughts denied him a reasonable life.

Thankfully, he was open to reconsidering his core beliefs. Instead of saying I am a damaged person, I had him say, I keep having the same thoughts to keep telling me I’m damaged.

Well, Timothy is now employed, he’s graduated college, he’s got a great job, and he’s in beginning to enjoy some friendships.

You see what I’m getting at here? Under the paradigm of mental illness and mental health, Timothy is a severely depressed man. He’s dysfunctional. There’s no humanism there. So instead, we need to come into mind wellness and mind wellness would have us look at his beliefs, his thoughts, and his feelings getting past the symptoms.

When we try to understand mental health, mental wellness. It’s essential though that we don’t fragment the human being. We look at the whole person. We don’t treat the diagnosis as the real thing but just as a description. We need to refer to mental health wellness. We are human beings. Struggle is part of life.

When we refer to mental health, we’re really referring to a mental health madness. We’re human beings. We should not be reduced to mental or mental illness. Struggle is unfortunately part of life. But why pathologize these struggles? More regrettably we do it for convenience, for simplicity, and for profit.

The more we can diagnose, the more we can medicate. We need to turn a corner here and we need to turn struggle into success, not into profit. We need a new picture of mind wellness. Mind wellness again incorporates our beliefs, our thoughts, our feelings, our whole lived experience. When we do that, we can start to honor the fact that we’re human beings again trying to overcome hurt, trauma, pain. We all deserve to live the best life we can. We need to come into mind wellness and let go of the mental health stupidity that grips us into a state of pathology.

Well, I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. I look forward to speaking with you again soon. Be well and seeks those possibilities.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast and I welcome your feedback on this or any episode. Please send me an email at Mel at Mel Schwartz. com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at Mel Schwartz. com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcast. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to The Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcast. In that way, you’ll never miss an episode and thanks again and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life as you embrace new possibilities.

The post #082: Stop Calling It “Mental Health!” first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 081 explores what we mean when we talk about being true to yourself, what keeps us from being true to ourselves, and how to accomplish true authentic selfhood.

Have you chosen to reject fear and embrace your true authentic self? How has it changed your life? Would you like help making this change? Let me know… in the comments!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #081Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy and marriage counseling and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the inspiration and the companion to this podcast. I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking, a new philosophy and a new game plan for life and all of the infinite possibilities that await you.

Today, we’re going to talk about our relationship with ourself and the question I’m posing is, are you true to yourself?

We’re going to have to take a deep dive into what that question really means. Firstly, let’s look at the word self. Are you true to yourself? Which self? Though we all have a sense of self but that sense of self is variable. We’re one self with close friends, another self in a romantic relationship in business or work we may present a somewhat different self.

I’m talking here about what I call authentic self. Authentic self is a self that isn’t fearful or anxiety ridden about what others think of you. I’m also speaking about a self that is aspiring and not operating from fear. So the authentic self true to your authentic self means a self that is aspiring. That is not self defeating that doesn’t surrender or unnecessarily compromise. You know there are times in life when compromise makes perfect sense because there are other ways in which we compromise in which we are marginalizing ourself.

So the question is how do you choose to see yourself in the privacy of your own thoughts. How do you see yourself? Are you good with yourself? Are you disappointed in yourself? At the source what is your true relationship with yourself? Are you happy to be you? Would you rather be someone else? Is there no one else you would rather be than yourself?

Now, I’m speaking here in very grand large statements and questions and of course, life is far more nuanced and contextual than the way I’m posing it. So, I’m not suggesting that we simply whitewash over all of the nuances but this development of self, who am I, how would I like to experience myself, am I aspiring and growing and evolving, are my thoughts and my feelings my own best ally or are they my critic?

Now often there’s a dissonance. There’s a self and experience I’d like to be that at times I may fall short of but what do I do with that gap that falling short? That can create a dissonance, a distance from here to there. I can work with that dissonance in an aspirational way to grow and evolve and have a sense of meaning and purpose in my life and the meaning and purpose in my life doesn’t always have to be about my relationship with myself. The meaning and purpose can be in how I reach greater fulfillment.

This quality of of growing and evolving and aspiring and believing in yourself and investing yourself. We can call that agency. Agency in the way using it refers to a self empowerment, an ongoing becoming. Instead of being stuck in the state of being, you’re engaged in this process of becoming. Becoming what? Becoming your authentic self and that authentic self is not static. It can grow and evolve and move to different levels and different nuances throughout your life. Do you think you can be that self? Do you aspire to be that self?

Well, one important place to come into in terms of these aspirations is to look at expectations that you think others have of you. That sets up this corralling of conformity. If you’re conforming to what you think others expect of you, if you’re conforming to avoiding disapproval or judgement or negative opinions of others, you cannot be aspiring to be your authentic and genuine self. Fear is that basis. Fear of what others may think of you.

So ask yourself this, do my fears of not succeeding, which we often call failure — Failure is a made-up construct. You may not succeed or may not succeed yet. But don’t call that a failure. You need to come out of the expectations of conformity and concerns about what others think of you.

I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you a gift to one of the following The Power of Mind a live Talks that I gave or one of my digital e-books Creating Authentic Self Esteem, Overcoming Anxiety, or Raising Resilient Children, and lastly, Cultivating Resilient Relationships. Once you have subscribed, please send an email to Mel at Mel Schwartz dot com and just let me know which gift you’d prefer. Thanks.

Now, your thoughts as you try to aspire to these big changes in your life. Your thought can go to why can’t I in a positive way. Why can’t I with a question mark. Why can’t I do this? Why can’t I make those changes? Or your thoughts can go to excusing why I can’t. Making excuses as to why I can’t is very different. It’s antithetical to the aspirational authentic life.

Again, fears get in the way. Ordinarily the fears are about mistakes. What is a mistake? You’ve heard me speak of this before. Sometimes kind of glibly, I may say there’s only one mistake. And that’s the fear of making a mistake.

You know in the participatory worldview that I have shared with you coming from quantum physics where reality in life is in a perpetual state of flow and a perpetual state of possibilities, a mistake is a snapshot we take in a moment in time and we call that an outcome and we freeze it and we say that is a mistake, I fear of making mistake. We have to change that construct. There are things we do and there are things we don’t do and often the mistake is about what we choose not to do out of a fear of making a mistake.

Do you see the irony there? The mistake is about an inaction and yet we fear making a mistake and so we become inert. Ultimately, ask yourself, how do I choose to see myself? Do I choose to try to access the infinite possibilities that await me? Or do I succumb to fears again of what I call other esteem? What other people will think of me? This corrals us into this conformity that is so narrow and life defeating and depressing and this causes us to lose our voice.

What do I mean by lose your voice? Not just expressing your thoughts and feelings but the expressing of your being, the expressing of this process of becoming that you owe to yourself so much. We freeze from this fear of making mistakes. This fear of what other people think about us and in the infinite amount of possibilities that await us, sometimes we stress out and this creates an anxiety because rather than welcome the infinite possibilities, we get anxious about making a mistake and so we stall out. We don’t do anything and every day looks like every other day.

This analysis paralysis of life and life engagement, we can call that a mistake ultimately that can lead to despair. It comes from this battle that we engage about authentic self, sense of self, or no self, just living life from a script. We all have primary beliefs about ourselves. Many of these beliefs are limiting in constraining and it came from our childhood. Please listen to my podcast on wave collapse which goes deeply into this phenomenon.

So out of these limiting beliefs, we have millions corresponding thoughts and feelings, they confirm those limiting beliefs and we get stuck in a monotonous monologue. Break it. Invite in the dissonance. Ask yourself, am I being true to myself? What are my fears? How am I going to choose to transcend those fears? If you had no fears, who would you choose to be? That’s the question to ask yourself. If I had no fear, who would I choose to be how would I choose to experience my life? How would I choose to see myself? Then suspend this belief. Let go of the fear and choose to be that self.

The choices we make inform your sense of self. I’m going to say that again. The choices you make inform your sense of self. You have to let go of your fear of mistake and join into the flow of life. How do I choose to see myself? Choose. That’s your action verb. How do I choose to see myself? Not how do I want to see myself? That’s passive. That’s not going to cut it. How do I choose to see myself? Damn the torpedoes to use an old expression. Move forward. Break out of conformity. Break free from fear. Choose how to see yourself and enter into that process of becoming.

You know what? You can do it. It’s pivotal. It all takes is a defining moment. A singular moment in time when you say, I’ve had it. I’m going invest fully in myself. Let go of fear, let go of conformity, and become your authentic self. It’s a magical carpet ride. You owe it to yourself. Go for it.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast and I welcome your feedback on this or any episode. Please send me an email at Mel at Mel Schwartz dot com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at Mel Schwartz dot com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcast, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcast. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to The Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. In that way, you’ll never miss an episode and thanks again and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life as you embrace new possibilities.

The post #081: How to Be True to Yourself first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The 80th episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz examines the damaging, limiting effect of “to be” verbs on our communication with others and our relationship with ourselves.

Listen to learn how “E-Prime” language can re-set your perceptions and move you from a restrictive, objective reality into one of possibility and subjective acceptance.

Have you adopted E-Prime speech in your everyday language? Have you seen a difference in your life? Let me know… in the comments!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #080Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy and marriage counseling and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the inspiration and the companion to this podcast. I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking, a new philosophy and a new game plan for life and all of the infinite possibilities that await you.

Hello, everyone. I’m going to take you along for a somewhat deep dive into the importance of semantics, words, and language so you can better appreciate how the use of certain words in particular which we use in virtually every sentence actually restrict us.

They’re a harness on our growth and on our relationships and this is an area of vital importance. I’m proposing that our semantics hold us back. The manner in which we think and speak still relies on words and keep us mired in classical Newtonian and Aristotelian thinking. You’ve heard me speak of this before: either aura thinking or thinking that speaks about objective reality rather than subjective. This problem is deeply rooted.

Our words anchor our thoughts and perceptions and our feelings and relationships in a very fixed, deterministic, and objective-based language and so that becomes our reality. We speak objectively to each other. This is damning to our relationships which I’ll be going back into again with you very shortly.

You know, when we are stuck in words that no longer represent what science is revealing, our minds don’t sufficiently evolve along science’s new discoveries whereas a new language that fits a new worldview activates and strengthens growth, insight, new learning. Our words are the very vessel through which our thoughts and feelings take shape and become communicated to others and to ourselves.

So, what begins as an instinctive impression. You know, the bubbling up of a feeling or a thought. It takes life through words and these words in turn shape how we see and how we engage life. The way that we believe the universe works. How we feel about others and ourselves, our beliefs and our relationships all take life through the form of words.

In fact, it seems that language imprints our brains. There was a great pioneering linguist named Benjamin Lee Whorf, W H O R F, who suggested that when we alter our use of language, we also revise how we see reality operating. In other words, words participate in our perception and construction of reality.

So I’m going to focus now on the damage done by the to-be verbs. In 1926 I believe, an engineer and philosopher named Alfred Krobsiski first proposed eliminating the to-be verbs. These verbs are as follows:

Am, are, is, was, were, be, been, being.

These words, if you think about it, exist virtually in every thought and every sentence. They’re omnipresent. Why would we want to eliminate these fundamental verbs from our vocabulary? Well, when we use the to-be verbs, we’re speaking objectively. We’re speaking in an absolute and fixed way. In the old-world view, the 17th century mechanistic worldview. These verbs constitute the building blocks of literal objective thought and they stand as dark contrast to a language that evolves us to participate in our relationships and our thoughts, the constructing of reality.

For example, let’s look at the simple statement. Joe is lazy. To-be verb is. Joe is lazy. This represents a fixed objective statement of fact. Well, perhaps Joe appears lazy if he’s uninspired or bored or distracted or he’s had too much beer to drink. Maybe Joe overeats which makes him fatigued so he seems lazy.

Now, if we remove the word is and we no longer say Joe is lazy we might say Joe seems lazy today or I always see Joe is lazy. Now this context it accounts from my own subjective perception of Joe could Joe appear lazy now but maybe in the future highly motivated? If Joe finds a passion next year will he still appear lazy? What if Joe starts to work out and eat healthy? Is Joe still lazy? The word is and in fact all the to-be verbs preclude change. They suggest a state of permanence and that that permanence exists.

Wow. They don’t allow for change. No wonder why we struggle with change conceptually in our lives. We get stuck inside this reality of the fixed state as to-be verbs. Now all other verbs show movement. The to-be verbs are inert. Am, are, is, was, were, be, been, being: no movement there. So, if they comprise the essence of our thoughts and feelings and beliefs, we’re stuck.

Let’s look a little further. Tom’s friend might say, my friend Tom is an addict. Let’s remove the word is and say, Tom struggles with addiction. Then, we’re not making an absolute and unchanging statement. In the parlance of alcoholics anonymous, one says, I am an alcoholic. Now, this attitude may help people maintain sobriety but it also limits their personal and spiritual growth since they must always see themselves in the same way. 10 years from now, Tom might proclaim I suffered with alcoholism for many years but I no longer do but I choose to remain sober.

That statement allows Tom to evolve, enabling him to come out of victimhood because to-be verbs deny change. They block us from growth from defining moments. They cement our realities and they obscure our ability to see our participation in our flow of life’s experience. Now, remember, you’ve heard me say before that the universe appears to be in a perpetual state of potentiality. Everything flows. Possibilities prevail.

So, conditions that appear fixed should seem incongruous to us. We shouldn’t say Joe is or I am or you are because they suggest that change can’t occur. The word is precludes possibility. To-be verbs are antithetical to the Possibility Principle that we can invite in and sustain possibilities and growth in our life. These to-be verbs block us from seeing life as flowing and unfolding. They blind us to movement as they root us to concrete thinking and fixed notions. These words all keep us stuck.

You know, Heraclitus, the famous Greek philosopher, said, you could not step into the same river twice. He believed in flow. Many years later, I found myself saying, the only constant in the universe is change. I used the word is. I now appreciate two errors in my phrase. My use of the word is is inconsistent with my current beliefs. Additionally, I came to appreciate that the word change has no meaning without the absence of change but as we’ve seen everything flows. Our use of the word is stops flow in its tracks. Nothing simply is.

Let’s look at self-esteem issues. Our self-esteem tends to be marginalized by to-be verbs. I am a loser. Sounds far more damaging than I feel like a loser. After all, if I feel like a loser, I might ask myself why I feel that way. How I came to that belief and how I could change it. My feelings and perceptions can change of course but if I am a loser, I’m stuck.

Or I am not smart enough. It would be a lot healthier to say, I feel stupid when I don’t know the answer. To-be verbs tend to lock us into our confining wave collapses. Remember, wave collapses or those primary core limiting beliefs coming from our childhood usually where we get stuck and so we stay rooted in old beliefs about ourselves only through the use of to-be verbs.

Think about the difference between saying to your child, I am so disappointed in you. Statement of fact as opposed to I feel so disappointed for you. Empathy, compassion. Sometime ago, I was working with a young man who was very pessimistic about himself and his outlook and he said the following. He said, I am a glass half-empty kind of person. Am is negative. Immeasuring self-reference imprinted his self-image in his life. He was a pessimist. I asked him to reframe that thought without using a to-be verb. He thought about it and he said, my thoughts and my beliefs have me see the glass as half empty.

Well, that opens him to the notion that the glass could be half full if he changed his beliefs.

Take a moment and reflect on any belief that you cling to that limits your life. State that belief. Certainly, you’re going to find a to-be verb in that statement. Now, resay it, restate it without using any to-be verbs. Notice how doing that frees you from your belief.

In previous episodes, I’ve spoken about the problem with either or thinking. The removal from complexity into simplicity. The use of the word is is fundamental here. It resonates with Aristotle’s philosophy which is that something either is or is not true and that leads us to either or thinking.

Now, science quantum physics has told us that is or is not true is no longer reality. Let’s look at our emotions. Do I love you or do I hate you? A separate dichotomy. We understand that it all depends upon the moment. These to-be verbs reduce complex matters into an oversimplified and wrong-minded choice. Something is correct or it is wrong. You are this or I am that. By using these to-be verbs, we paint over the complex, multi-layered tapestry of human experience with a broad brush stroke that reduces everything to an ignorant simplicity.

I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you a gift to one of the following: The Power of Mind a live Talks that I gave or one of my digital e-books Creating Authentic Self Esteem, Overcoming Anxiety, or Raising Resilient Children, and lastly, Cultivating Resilient Relationships. Once you have subscribed, please send an email to Mel at Mel Schwartz dot com and just let me know which gift you’d prefer. Thanks.

Let’s take a look at the progress we can make in our relationships by limiting or avoiding the use of to-be verbs. We stop making objective statements which is what triggers conflict in our relationship. We take ownership of our feelings. For example, Bill is a selfish husband. Sounds very different than Bill seems so self-centered to me.

If Bill seems self-centered to me, we can explore why I experience him that way. Why he presents himself that way to me. If I say to Bill you are selfish, end of conversation. You know by now when we reduce ourselves to the right versus wrong argument, all is lost. To-be verbs present themselves in opposition. Obstructing the spirit and practice of meaningful dialogue. They block us from having a generative curious shared inquiry and they move us into opposing camps from which we each cling to our facts and we argue and debase and denigrate each other. In short, the to-be verbs incline us toward an oppositional adversarial energy that leads us to argue about the truth as opposed to speaking to my truth which doesn’t preclude your truth.

Also, removing the to-be verbs helps us create our own authorship of our own statements rather than saying you are or it is. If I say I think, I see it as I’m taking ownership. I can see how I’m participating in the constructing of my own personal truth. Our personal conflicts tend to engage around the battleground of what is or is not true.

Now, removing these to-be verbs is referred to as E-prime language. I can’t actually tell you the derivation of that term. I’m not sure but E-prime language removing the to-be verbs invites us into the heart center of our relationships. Allowing us to express perceptions, vulnerability, connected relationships and effective communication requires speaking with one another subjectively. Do you care how I feel can get us somewhere as opposed to saying you are.

Eliminating those to-be verbs allows a great transition into subjective and participatory communication. If I start a statement with the words I find, I experience, or I believe, several things happen. First, I’ve avoided the pitfall of right versus wrong. Then, I also learned to express what I feel, think, and experience in a way that may be open and of curiosity and interest to you. Beginning statements without to-be verbs leaves the door wide open for other people to share their subjective experiences or impressions.

There’s no battle. There’s no conflict. Subjective communication presents a gateway to verbal and emotional intimacy. Whereas objectivity represented by to-be verbs precludes relatedness. The to-be verbs speak of the objective language of things from Newton’s worldview. Avoiding them helps us sidestep the battle, the inevitable destructive battle over right versus wrong.

Let’s look at a few more of the benefits of avoiding to-be verbs. As I’ve described in my book, we were trained to view reality as existing out there and that leaves us dispassionate and removed observers in our lives and from this orientation, we can see ourselves as victims of circumstance like I am a loser as opposed to I feel like a loser if I don’t meet my goals. The advantages to this linguistics transition are far greater than mere words can express.

You may recall my episode entitled “Who am I.” Who am I seeks a fixed answer which limits our identity removes the word am and you might ask how do I see myself how would I like to see myself how would I like to experience my life notice the shift there from the objective conclusion to one that opens us up to an unfolding possibility. Removing to-be verbs also helps us embrace uncertainty which by now you know can be a very powerful trait and skill. Many people feel tentative or insecure about sharing their thoughts and feelings. They may be sensitive to other people’s opinions and they will elevate other people’s opinions to judgements. So they may vacillate, wonder whether to speak or not, question themselves, and this insecurity interrupts their natural process of articulating.

Some people will prepare an entire sentence in their mind to feel safe before they actually communicate. I think of this halting approach as the equivalent of a silent stutter. These people are stuck in a need for certainty. To-be verbs make statements of certainty with no room for embracing uncertainty. They speak of determinism. We can learn to open ourselves to thinking and speaking in E-prime which opens the doorway to inviting in uncertainty.

I recall working with someone years ago who spoke of her memory of her father’s words when she was a child when he said, think before you speak. Those words constructed a fearful image for her and it inclined to always worry about making mistake. I found that using E-prime, removing to-be verbs, dissipates that fear. At first, it may feel awkward to speak without employing to-be verbs. We need to pause and find a new voice.

When you speak from the first person in a subjective voice, you can feel safe from others correcting you. You have perceptions that differ from other people but you’re only sharing a belief in their perception. You can’t be told you’re wrong. That woman doesn’t have to fear making a mistake if she doesn’t make objective statements.

So you see using E-prime eliminating to-be verbs will build your self-esteem as your feelings and thoughts and perceptions are removed from judgement. When you give yourself permission to speak in this manner and think in this manner, one word follows the next. You find your voice. You can trust in the process. This manner of communicating embraces uncertainty and it opens up to a starkly different contrast to the limitations of objective punctuated communication rooted in to-be.

Let me conclude with some following thoughts. The to-be verbs trap us in a rut of old thought, old feelings. They keep us stuck in the past. Removing the to-be verbs from our mental map allow us to transition from being to becoming, from fixed to flowing. It ushers in a transformative process. Our language when it’s rooted in an old worldview acts as a roadblock. It restricts our growth, our curiosity, our learning.

When we learn to think and communicate free of the to-be verbs, our thoughts no longer trick us into false objective reality. We can take ownership of our thinking and when we begin to modify our words and language in such a way, we can experience ourselves from automatic stuck in the past from victim into authorship.

These semantic shifts are pivotal in creating a present that can become unburdened from the past and they allow us to join in the flow of the universe, remember our words shape our thoughts in our world.

This is a lot to take in, I’m sure, for many of you who are not familiar with my work in this area but just pause, look at your limiting thoughts and beliefs. Look at where you get stuck in communication and in conflict and relationship. Notice the to-be verbs and rethink those communications and those reflections in which you take ownership of your perception and your feeling and you’ll be stepping into an exciting new adventure of growth whereby your perceptions and thoughts participate in creating your reality as opposed to reality existing out there in front of you unchanging and leaving you as a victim.

I hope you enjoy today’s episode. Please check out my TEDx talk on eight words that will limit your relationships. You can find that on my website or send me an email and I’ll be happy to send you a link to it. Mel at Mel Schwartz dot com.

I enjoy sharing these thoughts with you today and I look forward to future conversations. Be well, be safe, and hope to be speaking with you again soon. Bye for now.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast and I welcome your feedback on this or any episode. Please send me an email at Mel at Mel Schwartz dot com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at Mel Schwartz dot com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcast, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcast. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to The Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. In that way, you’ll never miss an episode and thanks again and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life as you embrace new possibilities.

The post #080: These Eight Words Imprison Us first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this 79th episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, we look at six questions to ask a potential partner before committing to a relationship.

How well do we really know the person to whom we commit ourselves? A committed relationship is potentially the most intimate and meaningful, impactful engagement we’ll have with another human being. Shouldn’t we know one another as deeply as possible before taking that leap?

How well do you know your potential partner? Have you considered going deeper before making that commitment? Or have you engaged with your current partner to really get to know each other?

Tell me about it… in the comments!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #078Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy and marriage counseling and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the inspiration and the companion to this podcast. I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking, a new philosophy and a new game plan for life and all of the infinite possibilities that await you.

Hello, everybody. I’m going to delve today into really important essential questions that we tend to not to ask each other early in a relationship. These are the fundamental kinds of questions that we need to ask, inquire about, and share to get a sense that we really truly know each other. As I’ve referenced before, I’m making up the number, the number six, there could be 14 questions, it could be an infinite number of questions. But for today, I’ve created six questions and each has a number of different streams and directions that we can head toward as well.

We commit to relationships in my professional and personal experience very very prematurely. In other words, we meet, we date, we feel what we think we should feel, we may feel in love, we’re sexually attracted. At later stages in life, we may admire and value friendship over sexual attraction. This should be the point where we’re committing to the process. The process of getting to know each other more deeply. Not just enjoying each other. But truly getting to know one another and share ourselves with each other without fear of judgement. But we don’t. We prematurely commit to the outcome by saying I’m in a relationship. Or I am in a committed relationship as opposed to saying you know what? I’m in the process of committing to a relationship. This is a deeper dive.

So, my thesis is we don’t truly know each other on the level that we need to and it’s fundamentally because we don’t ask important questions. It’s astounding to me. I’ve worked with couples where after many many years or decades of being in a relationship, coupled, married, each person doesn’t know what the other one thinks of death. These are fundamental questions.

But let’s move into what happens. We become attracted to each other, we may feel in love. Endorphins may start to rage. There’s an excitement and there’s a high and sometimes there are yellow flags and we may disregard them because we don’t want to break the endorphin high.

Now, if we explore those yellow flags, they may turn into red flags and cause us to stop and hesitate or they may be resolve and yellow may turn into green but we have to get into the process.

Okay, here’s question number one. To ask your partner or your future or potential partner, “Hey, what was the most humiliating or embarrassing experience you ever had? Would you be comfortable sharing it with me?”

Red flag or certainly deep yellow flag if they are reluctant to share it with you. If they begin to share that embarrassing, humiliating experience, you might explore, “How did you handle it? Did you share it with others or hide it” Is this something you would have shared with me if I hadn’t asked you?”

And then the person asking the question needs to do the sharing as well. It’s not an interrogation. Share your humiliating, shameful, or embarrassing experiences. “Have you learned anything from it? Have you learned how to deal with shame and embarrassment? Is it something you hide from
others? Is it something you hide from me?”

And if so, that impacts self-esteem and self-worth and as I always relate, self-esteem is a core ingredient on what happens in a relationship. If you have one or both people with marginal self-worth, how do you think that’s going to impact your relationship? So question one: “Would you share with me your most humiliating or embarrassing experiences?”

Question number two. This is more of a vision statement for relationship. “Do you believe in sharing everything in a relationship? Do you think any part of your thoughts and feelings and experience should be private.”

Not that you have to share everything. That would be absolutely impossible at times. We wouldn’t have the time. It would be monotonous. “You know I stopped at that red light and I can’t believe how long I was there.” I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the core thesis of emotional and verbal intimacy. “What would you keep from me from someone else? And why? Is it because you feel embarrassed or ashamed or judged? Would you be concerned about what I might think of you?”

To deepen that inquiry, it might sound like this: “If I could hear your most private thoughts, what would I know about you? But I don’t currently know.”

Can you appreciate the depths of that question? If I could see and hear your private thoughts that go unexpressed, what would that tell me? What would I learn about you that I don’t currently know. By the way, the answer could be a very positive answer, right? It’s a deeper reveal and committing to a relationship means a deeper fuller sharing of ourselves with each other and more often than that, that does not happen.

Question number three: “Is there anything you long for in your life? What are your goals, your life visions? What’s your heart’s longing? Do you think you can it? Can you accomplish it? What might get in your way? Tell me your secret, unexpressed visions for your life.”

I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you, a gift to one of the following:

The Power of Mind, a live talk that I gave. Or one of my digital ebooks: Creating Authentic Self Esteem, Overcoming Anxiety, or Raising Resilient Children, and lastly, Cultivating Resilient Relationships. Once you have subscribed, please send an email to mel at mel schwartz dot com and just let me know which gift you prefer. Thanks.

Question number four. It’s about anger. What is your relationship with anger? Your own or others? What do you do when you’re feeling angry? How
do you process that anger? How do you express it? Do you push it down and subordinate it? If you do, yellow toward red flag it’s going to come out sideways with resentment in some other direction. Do you act with a hair trigger and the moment you feel angry, do you have a flash of anger? That’s reacting. Or do you try to respond?

Respond means, “Hey, when you said that, I noticed I was starting to feel angry. Let me tell you why and what I was feeling.” That’s a healthy relationship with anger. I noticed the anger. I see it and I try to communicate it in the best way I can. I don’t push it down and I don’t explode on you because of it.

So, that was question number four. “Tell me about your relationship with anger. Yourself, your own relationship with anger and how you respond to anger with other people.”

Question number 5. “In regard to your own identity, what was most influential in shaping what you think of yourself? How you know yourself?” Typically this comes from childhood. What messages? Good, bad, or in between, did you receive from your parents? Were there a moments that felt humiliating, scarring? Were there moments that you’re joyful and proud of that you carry with you?

Our identity needs to be known to ourselves and cultivated and shared with each other. We’re getting into a committed relationship. We’re going to become the closest alliance that we possibly can. We can’t accomplish this by having our heads at the pillow at night and having so much that we’re not sharing with each other. What were your disappointments in your life? What were your great accomplishments? Again, that question of what do you long for? Which is, do you feel disappointed? What are you doing with that disappointment? Share the core influences of your identity. What you long for and what you’re disappointed in?

And my last question, for this moment in this episode, question number six: “Can you tell me about your fears? Specific and general. Your fears about relationship, your fears about yourself. You could have fears that are financial, health related, relationship related, fear of what you think other people think of you? What are those fears? And what’s your relationship with those fears?

Do they subordinate you? Do they sink you? Do you avoid them? Do you want to not look at them? Do you summon up or take a look at them and think how can I transcend these fears?

The issue isn’t fear. The issue is your relationship with fear. Do you have a fear about whether I’ll love you forever? Do you have a fear about my fidelity? What informs those fears? If you had your heart broken, something I spoke about earlier, did you ever have a lover or a close person to you betray you? Do you not trust others? Do you not trust yourself?

You see what I’m getting at in these six questions that honestly I made up but I’m doing them in a representative way? They’re about a deeper dive in the process of committing to a relationship. Way before the commitment is finalized and it’s a done deal.

It is a rare couple that I see having conversations on this level. Not only early in a relationship but at any time in a relationship. It’s as though we went to third or fourth grade and decided that was enough. We have enough education. We’re going to shut it down. That is what we do with emotional and verbal intimacy and that is a primary reason why relationships struggle, disappoint, frustrate us, and ultimately, we may feel that we fail at them because we’re simply not doing a deeper dive, delving in, and asking these questions, and by the way, asking these questions will also reveal our relationship with our self, our self esteem. You know, if you have a healthy, reasonably good self-esteem and fall in love with somebody who has a marginal self esteem, don’t you think that’s going to play out in any number of ways in your relationship? You may love them to death but they don’t believe that you do and so that creates a conflict in the relationship.

That’s one example. The consequences, the unanticipated consequences are innumerable and unimaginable. The best we can do is lay ourselves open and transparent, not pretending to put our best foot forward. Put our genuine self forward, share the complete picture of myself, my strengths, my weaknesses, my fears, my desires, and my loves and you do the same with me so we can get to know on a far deeper level who we really are. That will provide us with a much greater takeaway around “is this the relationship I should be committing to.”

So, go deeper, ask the unasked questions, that would make Both of you the exception in relationships. What I’m proposing is a rare thing. It should be common. It should be ordinary. It’s rare. Go for the rare and go for the exceptional. And you’ll be living the best life you can in terms of awareness about your relationships and what you’re getting into.

And by the way if you’ve been in a long standing relationship it is not too late to ask these questions. Let’s open up the vision of real genuine intimacy here and stop hiding from each other.

Well until next time, wishing you health, wellness, and happiness and summoning up all those possibilities in your life that await you. Be well. Speak to you soon.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast, and I welcome your feedback on this or any episode. Please send me an email at mel at mel schwartz dot com, or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com.

If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show, and it’s a great way for you to show your support.

Finally, please make sure to subscribe to The Possibility Podcast wherever you get your podcasts, and that way you’ll never miss an episode.

And thanks again, and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life as you embrace new possibilities.

The post #079: Ask These Six Questions Before Committing to a Relationship first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this encore episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz originally presented in 2019, I explain how our innate state of potential becomes narrowed and finite due to personal experiences, often early in life.

From these events, our sense of self can become limited, and we may become attached to limiting personal beliefs.

Listen as…

I demonstrate how we come to these false beliefs
how we can transcend them
I utilize a principle from quantum physics to explain this phenomenon
I illuminate the pathway for us to once again stake claim to our infinite possibilities

Have you reclaimed your unlimited, innate sense of self? Tell me about it… in the comments!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #078Welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m Mel Schwartz, your host and thought provocator. I’ve been practicing psychotherapy for well over 20 years. During that time, I’ve been so fortunate to witness countless breakthroughs while working with people, whether one on one, as a speaker, in professional trainings, or in workshops. The insights that I’ve garned have inspired me to write over a hundred articles and several books, including the companion title to this podcast, The Possibility Principle, which you can find wherever books are sold.

On this and every episode, I’ll be introducing new ways of thinking, relating, and communicating to help you truly thrive in your life, to reach the possibilities that you may long for. Think of this as a new game plan for living. Thanks for enjoying my emerging community of possibility seekers, and I hope you enjoy the show.

Hello everybody and get ready for an interesting ride in today’s episode. I’m going to be explaining a phenomenon in quantum physics, it shouldn’t be difficult to understand, and as a reminder to all my listeners, I’m not a scientist, and in fact I was an average student at best in science, but my new book The Possibility Principle, explains how we can profit and benefit by looking at some principles of quantum physics to better understand our own lives and to make some adjustments in embracing the messages from quantum physics to allow us to live resiliently, joyfully without fear and on and on.

In today’s episode, we’re going to be looking at how we can reclaim our lost sense of potential. Going to begin by explaining this phenomenon of quantum physics and how we can apply it to our own lives. One of the fundamental aspects of the quantum worldview is that elementary particles can sometimes exhibit what’s called the schizophrenic nature. I’m using that term not in a clinical sense but using the word schizophrenic to suggest it has a split personality. Physicists refer to this tendency in what is known as the wave particle duality. Ordinarily, we believe the things either are or are not, that they are distinct in nature. This either or thinking can also be called binary thinking which leaves only two paths open to us. Binary thinking is a major aspect of how we observe and construct reality, and in later episodes, I’ll be sharing with you what is wrong with that limited way of seeing reality.

But this either or reality apparently doesn’t apply in the quantum realm, and is questionable in our everyday lives as well. The quantum reality exists in a series of what is called probability waves which have an infinite number of potential outcomes. This means that when a particle is not being observed, it doesn’t exist as a particle. It exists as a wave or wave form.

In quantum language, that’s a state of pure potential. Also called superposition, pure potentiality. This term superposition proposes that as long as we do not know what the state of any object is, it actually exists in all possible states. In that sense, the wave represents pure possibility. But the act of observing the wave reduces the wave. The wave collapses and it becomes a fixed thing. A particle. This is called a wave collapse.

Now this may sound removed from our day to day world of relationships, fears and anxieties. But I have found that, metaphorically speaking, a similar thing occurs in our lives. When we have particular experiences or make certain observations of ourselves or have them made of us typically in childhood by parents, a teacher, or friends, we experience the psychological equivalent of a quantum wave collapse.

You see, as newborns or infants, if not at conception or in utero, we resemble the infinite potential possibilities of the wave. Our personality, our identity is not yet defined and exists in the state of pure potential. Not withstanding matters of genetics, environmental influences, or considerations of astrological or karmic influences, our identity is not determined and fixed. But before long, we start to move from the potential of the wave to the thingness, the particulate quality of the particle. The personal evolution of our personality gets stunted and our growth becomes fitful. How did this happen?

Let me share a story to provide a backdrop. One day in my office, a client I’ll call Jill recalled the words that her mother spoke to her when she was about eight years old. Her mom said, when I was pregnant with you, I told your father I didn’t want another baby.

Despite the fact that her mother was otherwise devoted and loving, Jill’s acutely personal takeaway was damning. She felt unwanted and therefore, unlovable. Then, and ever since. She carried this core belief with her throughout her life. Her own inner monologue was perpetually self critical. Confirming her belief that she wasn’t lovable. The snapshot that Jill took of herself early in life became etched into her psyche and became her embedded truth.

Jill’s beliefs affected her relations with her husband, children, and friends. Not withstanding that her husband Bob was lovingly devoted to her, Jill questions his loyalty and truthfulness in light of seeing herself as unlovable. Her belief about herself was becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. She forced Bob to withdraw his love as his frustration mounted.

What Jill experienced is not uncommon. For what we believe to be true about ourselves and others contributes to our reality making process. Prior to her mother’s remark, Jill’s identity, her personality, her sense of self could have evolved in an infinite number of ways but that range of possibility became narrowed by that one short sentence. I call that a wave collapse. Ordinarily, even a single but significant experience is sufficient to collapse our personal wave of potential. Jill experienced a powerful wave collapse after her mother spoke one particular sentence to her.

Sometimes, all it takes is a hurtful statement or even an embarrassing experience to reduce the potential of our personality to a narrow restricted self image. These events don’t need to be traumatic. They could in fact be subtle. Yet in these moments our state of potential our possibilities fade. It’s as if we’ve taken the snapshot of ourself and become frozen in time.

I call these confining wave collapses. In contrast to defining wave collapses that usher in defining moments and help us break free. In confining wave collapses we’re no longer the potential of the wave but we have become the finiteness of the particle and we carry this picture of ourselves with us throughout our lives, allowing it to burden and limit us. We actually lose the authorship of our life story. We no longer write the narrative we become a character in the narrative already written. The initial wave collapse I’m speaking of confining wave collapses here sets up a recurring incidence of similar experiences as our beliefs about ourselves and others become self-reinforcing. You see, what you think of yourself shapes your interactions with others and with yourself. This habit obstructs our ability to change or to revolve as we cling to a false perceived truth of who we are. The themes of subsequent collapses may vary but they’re often self limiting if not denigrating. We may generate thoughts like I’m not good enough or I’m not smart enough or even more simply I’m not lovable.

The actors who perhaps unwittingly participated in scripting our personal beliefs are typically our parents but they may be our teachers, friends, relatives, in some cases, even strangers. We cling to these habituated beliefs about ourselves in accordance with our primary wave collapses. In spite of new events which should create dissonance and have us look at ourselves differently like Jill’s husband being so loving, they fail. And we tend to remain rooted in the way we see ourselves. Part of the reason that we experience change is hard. We become embedded in the groove of our self-referencing beliefs which blocks the opportunity for growth and change.

Less dramatically than hurtful comments or abusive actions, the patterns of family dynamics may cause us to acquire certain personality traits. These influences tend to be chronic rather than acute and fly beneath our radar screen. For example, if you grew up in a highly conflicted or alcoholic family, you may have coped by developing a people pleaser or peacemaker persona. We can think of this chronic condition as an extended wave collapse rather than the result of an acute single event.

I had referred another client Helen to meet a colleague of mine so they might explore matters of mutual interest, professionally that is. Helen made an appointment to meet with Jim at a conference that he was attending. When Helen arrived, Jim was engaged in conversation with others and he didn’t notice her waiting to introduce herself. Shortly thereafter, Jim left the conference without acknowledging Helen.

Helen said to me, I guess I just wasn’t important enough for him to meet me. She reported this as though it were an established fact instead of an interpretation and opinion of her own making. I asked her how she knew this to be true and whether there might be other explanations. For example, I knew Jim to be notoriously absent minded. Could he have forgotten he was supposed to meet her? Or maybe he didn’t know that someone waiting to introduce herself. In fact, he overlooked appointments with me in the past and I certainly didn’t conclude that I was unimportant. I suggested that Helen saw herself as not valuable. And she was projecting that insult onto Jim.

At first she resisted this possibility. She related some compelling stories though which revealed that as a child, she felt like her mother’s servant waiting hand and foot on her mother, a reversal of roles so to speak and her entire childhood was about her obedience to her mother. Helen was deprived of a value that every child deserves and so she basically felt unimportant. This chronic wave collapse had disastrous effects on her self-esteem. Throughout her life the thoughts almost automatically continue to affirm this affliction I’m not important I just don’t matter.

Our primary beliefs about ourselves have been generated by our wave collapses which orchestrate the quality and nature of our beliefs and thoughts. If, like Helen, our core belief is that we’re not of value we can predict the kinds of thoughts we might then experience. These thoughts measure ourselves against others and the predictable result is that we see ourselves as subordinate to others. These thoughts and their resulting feelings can leave us trapped inside a self-induced container of low self esteem.

Well, I’ve given you an extensive explanation of what happens in a wave collapse. Now, let’s turn and look at how we can return to our state of pure potential.

To free yourself from repeating harmful and confining wave collapses, consider this tenet of the possibility principle: In the nanosecond before your next thought, you exist in a state of pure potential. In the space between your thoughts, you’re similar to the wave full of possibility. But once you attach to the next thought, the ensuing wave collapses and we create a reality in that moment.

If we continue to have self-limiting or injurious thoughts, we remain adhered to the damaging effects of primary wave collapses.

In therapy, clients often experience a breakthrough with me, a significant moment during which a highly anticipated insight becomes clear and illuminated. This event can present a new state of potential and with it, the possibility of a breakthrough, a defining moment. The person I’m working with will then select which reality to summon by thinking either, That’s great. What a relief I’ve broken through. Or, regrettably, the thought might be, what’s wrong with me? Why is this taking me so long?

The first thought is self-affirming and offers relief and possibilities. While the second is self critical and resist progress. You see the thought you select will chart your path. Simply put, the thought we engage will summon the reality of our next moment. We can move forward in breaking into new terrain or we can summon an old familiar thought abandoning the insight.

Obviously, we can choose vastly different experiences. The potential is all that exist prior to your next thought. Our struggle change isn’t part caused by our habituation and habit of old thought. Old thought defends its territory. It doesn’t loosen this grip on you easily.

Helen’s confining wave collapse of feeling devalued, set in motion her lifelong inner narrative. I could see the automatic nature of her thought coming from the statement, I guess I wasn’t important enough for him to wait for me. This type of thought, instinctive and programmed, burdened and afflicted Helen as similar thoughts burden and afflict most of us. I worked with her to identify that thought and separate from it so she could see what the thought was telling her.

This established another principle for her. If you can learn to see the thought, you don’t have to become the thought. As we talked further, I asked Helen whether she attempted to contact Jim after the conference. She continued to cling to her story, there wasn’t any point in doing that because she had been blown off. I suggested that her thought had told her that she was blown off. But how could she actually know that? What she was doing was creating a story line to conform to her beliefs and her personal history. Was she actually replicating wave collapses from earlier in life? Was this her thought stuck in an old groove? When I pressed her, she couldn’t offer proof that she knew her story was true.

Now, we can’t know for sure that our story is true, then we need to look at how we confuse our story with being the truth in any given situation. I asked Helen if it was plausible that she had believed an untruth about herself, her entire life. She reconsidered and acknowledged that she might be personalizing events around her meeting with Jim so as to conform to her self image. When I explained to Helen the theory behind wave collapse, she grasped the concept. I asked Helen to envision an alternative and positive wave collapse which her mother had been maternally inclined and actually doted on her. What then might her belief about herself be?

She permitted herself this alternative point of view and considered that perhaps she wasn’t irrelevant. Doing so meant that she also needed to embrace her discomfort as she moved beyond the limits of her familiar zone. Our worth then focused on helping Ellen break free from her addictive tendency to malign herself; more precisely the habit the tendency of her old thought.

From that point on her progress was impressive. She started to value herself and the shift in self esteem led to her experiencing her relationships in an entirely new way. When Helen learned to sever the grip of her old identity she created the opportunity to select a new and positive wave collapse. A defining moment with self-affirming thoughts.

Breaking free from the predictability of confining wave collapses simply requires uprooting the repetitive thoughts that inform our old belief. Notice the repetition of these old thoughts in lockstep with the wave collapse and that will enable your shift.

The quantum world view of the universe tells us that reality appears to unfold inexorably and perpetually from a pure state of potential. Earlier I referred to that as superposition. For us to access the universal potential we must devote ourselves to apprehending that possibility which lies in the instant prior to collapsing the wave with our next thought or feeling. Our thought literally summons our constructed reality. These thoughts emanate from the groove of old wave collapses and therefore our thoughts re-present our past experience. Learning to take a new snapshot and actualize new thinking will help script a new experience allowing you to participate fully in your own evolving reality.

Appreciating how the wave collapses in our lives and forms a sense of self that’s just essential in priming the pump for your change process. Often the meanings we attribute to the events of our personal history prevent us creating effective change and we become reduced and see ourselves often as victims. Many adults have memories of abusive, loveless, or disappointing childhoods because they didn’t receive the nurturing and love that is every child’s birthright. But if we choose to keep focusing on the limiting events of our past then we choose a present and a similar future that replicates the past. At some point we need to stop choosing to believe the meaning we ascribe to our past and script a different present.

I’m not suggesting that we avoid or suppress painful memories. By all means, we need to bring them into the light and process them. The goal though is to disarm the old memories and eventually release them. The thought that we choose in the present moment is almost entirely responsible for who we are in that moment. Remember, the moment you choose a thought, the accompanying feelings arise as well. So, if we continue to summon old habitual thoughts will never the potential that awaits us. What we are seeking are new wave collapses, defining moments that implant positive self reflections as we grow past the grip of the negative ones.

In working with Jill, I asked her to reconsider what she could have said when her mother told her that she didn’t want another baby. Jill could have said that makes me feel terrible and unwanted. Had she actually said that at that time or anytime later, she might have experienced a positive defining wave collapse which was self affirming. Simply reliving that encounter in a way that gave her some power became part of her healing process. By expressing her feelings, she was able to establish a much stronger, worthier sense of self. Now, instead of thinking I’m unlovable, which spoke to her fixed state of being, she could reframe her belief. I’ve thought of myself as unlovable and now I know why. Now this belief is amenable to change.

Let’s try an exercise. Think of a core belief you hold about yourself that limits your experience of yourself and your life. We think of these beliefs as truth. They may range from I’m not smart enough to people don’t respect me or it might sound like I’m a poor communicator or conflict makes me uncomfortable so I avoid confrontation. Whatever the core belief is, once you’ve identified it, ask yourself how you came to this belief. You might recall an embarrassing, shameful, or traumatic moment from earlier in life when this truth took hold.

For example, you raised your hand in class to ask a question and everyone laughed at how silly your question seemed so you decided to never risk that exposure again. Now, you play it safe and think long and hard before you speak.

Or your belief could have been caused by more chronic circumstances like growing up in a volatile home and coming to believe that you couldn’t really take the risk of sharing how you felt. These are the confining wave collapses that have created your limiting beliefs about yourself. They were caused by a specific moment or chronic moments in which you felt shamed or ridiculed.

Now, imagine yourself finding your voice. Tell those involved how you feel about what just happened or what they said to you or did to you. Finding your voice in this way helps you release yourself from the bondage of these confining wave collapses. Reflect on how different your beliefs about yourself would be if these events never happened. If your beliefs about yourself were informed by chronic rather than acute circumstances like having an alcoholic or abusive parent or growing up in a volatile home, remind yourself that these beliefs were a product of your experience.

Now, imagine yourself being raised in a loving and supportive family. You see how differently you might feel about yourself? Once you choose to reclaim your potential, you stop being a victim of damaging circumstances. Say to yourself, I don’t need to be imprisoned by my past if I choose to free myself from my limiting beliefs. You are more than your experiences and an infinite potential awaits you as you allow your identity to break free and evolve. Once you learn see how your beliefs are informing you, you’re free to break into new terrain and achieve defining moments. Witness your thoughts and recognize the story they’re telling you and don’t confuse them with being the truth. You can learn to rewrite your story.

Many individuals were fortunate enough to have experienced exemplary, defining, beneficial wave collapses that affirm them and help them to secure a strong sense of self. This typically leads to authentic self esteem and these people can craft their personalities free from constrictive encumbrances but for those of us who haven’t yet experiences such a gift we can learn to overcome our burdens and reach our full range of possibilities. The way we’ve been trained to think that change is hard or implausible once again grows out of our operating worldview. This belief in inertia developed from the mechanistic worldview that I’ve described many times before in which Newton pictured reality to be like a giant inert lifeless hapless machine-like universe and we became the cogs in that machine.

The new worldview coming from quantum physics suggests that there is no separation. Everything is in perpetual flow and movement and we can be too. We can embrace that potentiality which invites us to free ourselves from aspects of the past that didn’t serve us. We don’t need to stay stuck like a fixed state of the particle but we can ride the possibilities of the wave.

I hope this has provided some insights for you and now there is much significant work to be done in learning to understand the nature of old thought and break free from it. In a previous episode entitled Breaking Free from the Grip of Old Thought, I do explain the techniques for doing this and of course my book, The Possibility Principle goes into great detail as to how you can identify your wave collapses and begin to break free from the old thought that limits you.

Until next time, be well.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast with me, Mel Schwartz. To learn more about this topic and related subjects, please be sure to check out The Possibility Principle, my book at The Possibility Principle.com.

I always welcome and look forward to your feedback. Please leave a comment at the show notes for this episode at Mel Schwartz.com/podcast or simply send me an Email at Mel at Mel Schwartz.com. You can also use that email address if you’d like to be a caller on the future show and have a topic you’d like me to discuss.

If you never want to miss an episode, find the possibility principle and Apple Podcast or wherever you listen and be sure to hit that subscribe button. You’ll get new episodes as soon as they are released and if you know anyone who might benefit from The Possibility Podcast, please tell them about the show. Thank you for listening and until next time, have a great day and keep summoning up those new possibilities.

The post #078: Reclaim Your Lost Potential (Encore Presentation) first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz number 77, I look at the placebo effect as a springboard to discussing the false duality of the mind-body connection.

Listen to discover…

how the placebo effect is treated as less than the gift it is
the origins of mind-body duality
why psychosomatic effects point to a powerful tool for self-healing
why we should not speak about a “mind-body connection”

Your mind and your body are not distinct and separate. Share your experiences with the placebo effect and psychosomatic effects… in the comments!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #077Hello everybody, and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy and marriage counselling, and I am the author of The Possibility Principle , the inspiration and the companion to this podcast.

I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking, a new philosophy and a new game plan for life, and all of the infinite possibilities that await you.

Hello everybody and welcome to today’s episode of the Possibility Podcast. I’m going to entitle today’s conversation, “It’s ‘Just’ In Your Head,” and picture word “just” in quotation marks.

How did I come to this subject? A National Geographic article just recently caught my attention. The title of the article was, “Is Pain Relief from Marijuana Just in Your Head?”

It might have been your good fortune that you were not anywhere near me when I read that title, because I started talking to myself, muttering and exclaiming around this concept, this question, “is it just a placebo effect?” That is such a thoughtless way of looking at things.

Let’s begin by talking about placebo effect. The dictionary defines it as this:

“A beneficial effect produced by a placebo drug or treatment, which cannot be attributed to the properties of the placebo itself and must therefore be due to the patient’s belief in that treatment.”

Let’s put into simple English. You’re given a pill which you believe is a medication to treat some pain or medical condition you have. Unbeknownst to you, that pill is a blank. There’s nothing inside the capsule. It’s simply a placebo. It’s suggesting to you that it will work but there’s no medication. And yet astounding percentage of the time placebos can be as effective as the actual drug itself. So instead of it’s just a placebo effect, why aren’t we saying wait a minute! Wow! Holy shit!

So the mind can heal the body. Why would we say “just” a placebo effect instead of looking at this incredible sense of wonderment that the mind, our thoughts, consciousness might have the ability to heal illness and overcome pain? Why are we marginalizing this? Why are we treating it as an anomaly?

You know, good science, and good medicine when it comes across one anomaly, should cause it to stop and rethink its position and say one exception means that we need to go back to the drawing boards. So when we use the word that just that one, simple, word, marginalizes and blocks, our ability to seize a wonderful opportunity, which is the mind-body oneness.

Let’s take a look at how this mind and body disconnection began with the famous philosopher, Rene Descartes in the 17th century. He wrote five words, “I think, therefore I am.”

As incredible as it may seem those five words altered our perception of the relationship between mind and body. Those five words magically bifurcated, split in half mind and body and brainwashed us literally. So we amputated mind from body and this is a magic trick that Descartes committed with these five words and four centuries later, we are still succumbing to.

I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you, a gift to one of the following:

So this is called a Cartesian Duality. Cartesian coming from the name, Descartes. Duality, that mind and body are separate.

There’s a concept you may’ve heard me speak of another occasions called reification. Reification is our my mind or our thoughts, make something up, explain something or have an insight and we then begin to think of what our mind made up as real. So Descartes’ mind came up with “I think, therefore I am,” and for four centuries, we’ve operated under the powerfully mistaken duality that mind and body are separate, with just unimaginable consequences. This all speaks to a macro issue which I call the Illusion of Separation which I’m going to get back into in just a little bit.

So, in this illusion of separation, mental activity is in your head and the body is somehow cordoned off. You know, the best explanation I have of this is think about men wearing neckties. That tie literally metaphorically severs the mind, and the body. At any rate, this results in this mind body disconnection, which causes us unimaginable and immeasurable harm. So Descartes’ thought, severed mind and body and we’ve been brainwashed by this paradigm of separation. Again, amputating mind from body is so much more.

This all creates what I call fragmented thinking. Thinking that only sees separated parts that our mind separated. Arguably. this is the biggest problem in the world today. Most of our challenges struggles disasters, come from fragmented thinking not seeing in wholeness.

Now, quantum physics, as you’ve heard me recount many times, is proven inseparability. That reality appears to be one inseparable whole. I on occasion have said, “There’s no Mind-Body Connection,” and what I’m getting at, is that the word connection becomes invalid, a bridge connects two different bodies of land. It’s a connected to things that may have some separation, but mind and body were never separate, so we should never speak of Mind-Body Connection.

Mind and body are simply differing aspects of the same whole. We should never think of them separate. In that case, this concept of it’s just in your head is mesmerizing us, pun intended when I call it a slight of mind, rather than a slight of hand.

So, let’s turn now to the word psychosomatic. Dictionary again, speaks of psychosomatic as:

Of, relating to, or concerned with bodily symptoms caused by emotional or mental disturbance.

The word psychosomatic is used is a pejorative, culturally. It’s all in your head, it’s psychosomatic. It’s just in your head. Well would these mental or emotional disturbances be less significant if they were caused by the body? Look at the panic attack. Panic attack is caused by your nervous system in the state of agitation. But the panic attack is physical. What’s in your mind impacts your body. What is in your body impacts your mind. The word psychosomatic was created to reconnect what Descartes severed, but it did it in a marginalizing, way. It discovers a connection between mind and body, but it does so judgmentally. Again, severing oneness.

So let me ask this question: if we meditate and it lowers our pulse rate and our blood pressure is meditating psychosomatic? We use the word psychosomatic on the in the negative and pejorative way.

We have to ask ourselves, wouldn’t prolonged fear, and anxiety, impact our physical being? Even the traditional medical establishment speaks to his injurious stress is for our physical health.

Here is how we need to think: If my mind has the ability to improve and benefit my physical being, why not study and encourage this infinite tool, the power of the mind, to heal my body, my mind and my soul? That’s the power of our mind. We need to not marginalize it, but embrace it, our mental emotional and physical claims, all interpenetrate, one, another, they are differing aspects of our total being. Your mind and your thoughts impact your body. They are part of your body. So again, if meditation lowers your pulse, how can it be just in your head? And anger will quicken your pulse.

And by the way, we understand that exercise impacts our minds. Who this is not one directional. We need to stop clinging to the insanity of seventeenth-century thinking.

Now of course traditional medical establishment and the profit motive of the pharmaceutical industry with incline us to continue to think toward that my mind body duality because once we take advantage of mind healing us, there going to be a lot less dollars spent on drugs. But think of it this way, if the universe is inseparable, if reality appears to be unbroken wholeness, what sense could make for mind and body to be an exception? Again, placebo, what we believe informs us is what we feel and experience. This impacts everything. The placebo should open us up to the idea of our mind is the metaverse.

See, mind is more than your brain. It’s consciousness. If my consciousness is loving, will that impact how I see myself and others? Of course! Consciousness is supremely powerful. Let’s harness our consciousness and at least begin by restoring our mind-body wholeness.

Your mind is consciousness and your body is consciousness. Arguably everything is consciousness. Don’t splinter and fragment wholeness. Embrace wholeness and you’ll experience your life on an altogether different l evel, and don’t any longer believe the concept or the term, “It’s just in your head.” That is simply moronic.

Well, I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. It was exciting for me to share this with you. I’m sure many of you are well along this path way. I just wanted to further that exploration. Until we meet again, be well, be healthy and be safe, and bye for now.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast, and I welcome your feedback on this or any episode. Please send me an email at mel at mel schwartz dot com, or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com.

If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show, and it’s a great way for you to show your support.

Finally, please make sure to subscribe to The Possibility Podcast wherever you get your podcasts, and that way you’ll never miss an episode.

And thanks again, and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life as you embrace new possibilities.

The post #077: It’s Not Just In Your Head! first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this episode 76 of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, I share what I think of as the Tao of Communication. Like a martial artist leaning into a conflict in order to redirect the energy of the engagement, you can adopt a sense of flow to defuse arguments and arrive at a win-win conclusion.

Listen to discover…

why it’s all right to put aside your argument for a moment
how questions validate
the 5% Rule of communication
how to develop an exchange of empathy in any conversation

Put the Tao of Communication into practice and let me know how it goes for you! Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #076Hello everybody, and welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy and marriage councelling, and I am the author of The Possibility Principle, the inspiration and the companion to this podcast.

I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking, a new philosophy and a new game plan for life, and all of the infinite possibilities that await you.

Welcome to today’s episode: Leaning In: the Tao of Communicating.” Let me begin first with the word Tao. It’s spelled t a o, as many of you may already know, and simply put Tao refers to flow. You know, we have an expression that’s common nowadays, “get in the flow.” Easier said than done, but flow, Tao, requires learning to get out of my own way so I can be my own best ally. Essentially, this requires not reacting, not defending, but leaning in.

Now, leaning in is counterintuitive if we are in a conflicted or argumentative conversation.

How do we communicate? Let’s take step back and consider the different ways of communicating. There’s body language. There’s facial expression, and the primary way of communicating is of course verbal, which is what we’re focused on in today’s episode.

So in a conflicted or disharmonious communication, when we’re not in harmony, we’re in conflict, somewhere in between, on the edge of conflict, when we are in that circumstance, we’re back on our heels, maybe being defensive, perhaps being aggressive, not truly listening, but maybe preparing our rebuttal; defending ourselves.

Well, from your life experience, how does that work out? How rare is it that actually you reach some kind of detante and mutual understanding, that you come out of that conflicted relationship in a better place than you started. It doesn’t work that way. A win-lose is a lose-lose. We both lose. So the Tao of communicator requires a different energy, a different field of focus: in the flow; leaning in.

So don’t defend, diffuse. Find something to validate. You heard me share a number of anecdotes in previous episodes about how I handle being called an idealist. I leaned in and they said, “Well, thank you. We sure could use more ideals, couldn’t we?” Or when I’m advocating for social causes somebody might say, “You sound like a socialist.” I lean in. I say, “Well, I did use public roads to get here and I do use the mail and I sent my children to public schools. Those are all part of a socialist infrastructure. But are you confusing socialism with Communism?”

You see when you lean in to an accusation it’s like a martial artist. When somebody comes at you with a negative force, you step to the side by leaning in and finding something to affirm. Finding something to validate. When you do that, you shift the energy field entirely.

Now what happens if you can find something to validate? That may be. Well then you still lean in, by asking, “How did you come to see me in that way?” Suppose somebody says, “You seem like a narcissist.” I might lean in and ask them, “How did you come to see me that way? How did you develop that perception of me? How do you see me in a way that I don’t see myself,” but not argumentatively. With curiosity.

Don’t argue the truth. I want to understand your beliefs your perceptions and your experiences. When we move into that Tao of communicating, we start to transcend opposition. We transcend dualistic thinking either or thinking of win and lose. We shift into a win-win.

I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you, a gift to one of the following:

In the middle of a session recently, I found myself saying to a client with whom I was working on developing empathy, I said, “You know to have someone else get into your shoes, first you have to get into their shoes.” That’s what cultivating empathy is. I have to go first if I want an empathic exchange. I need to understand what it’s like to be the other person. So, to do that, you ask them how they came to feel offended or had an issue or problem with some aspect of you. You have to take the lead.

This starts to shift us into a coherent communicating. First you validate, then you pivot and re-educate if you choose to.

So, what do I mean by first validate? Finding common ground. Set aside focusing on the differences so we can collaborate. If planet Earth was attacked by extraterrestrials, we’d find common ground. Republicans and Democrats would be allies. China and the United States would be allied. The common ground would be our planet is under attack. We set aside the differences that fragment us and set us up in opposition.

We can do the same in a one-on-one conversation.

I developed a strategy many years ago which I have done a podcast on called the 5% rule. It’s kind of paradoxical, perhaps counterintuitive.

When you’re in a disagreement, set aside your beliefs and your argument; just put them up on the shelf for the time being. Quiet yourself down and find some small percentage of what you’re hearing that you might agree with. Arbitrarily, I call it 5%. Validate that 5%. “I can understand how you see that about me. Yes, I do have that tendency from time to time. I can appreciate it might put you off.”

When you have validated that small percentage then what has happened, is the other person, to their surprise, is feeling validated and affirmed and guess what? They may now be in the position to take in what you have to say, but timing is key here. You can’t say “Yes, but.” You have to actually legitimately affirm what you’ve heard.

That 5% rule turns conflict toward the path of dialog. So you have to suspend your beliefs and the point you’re trying to make. You can return to it. You’re not pleading guilty as charged. But first you have to validate something. Communication must flow to have shared meaning. I must open to what you want me to say if I expect you to open what I wish for you to see.

I’m going to repeat that because this might be what we call the Tao of communicating. I must first open to what it is you want me to see if I wish you to open to what it is I want you to see. I have to have empathy first. That’s the second rule of the Tao of communicating.

Remember the first is leaning in. When the charge is made against you, try the validate some aspect of that charge. It may actually be so adroit that the argument falls apart because we have new shared meeting about these words: “idealist,” “socialist,” “narcissist.” Ask what do you mean by narcissist? It’s just a word. When we moving to share the meaning, not an argumentative way, this is peaceful. It’s coherent. It’s in the flow. Lean in, and move into the Tao of communicating.

Well thank you and I hope you enjoy this episode. Look forward to sharing more on this topic with you coming soon. Stay well, stay healthy and be in the flow.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast, and I welcome your feedback on this or any episode. Please send me an email at mel at mel schwartz dot com, or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com.

If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show, and it’s a great way for you to show your support.

Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you get your podcasts, and that way you’ll never miss an episode.

And thanks again, and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life as you embrace new possibilities.

The post #076: Leaning In: The Tao of Communication first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Are we mentoring our children, or simply managing them through life? Did your parents share with you as a human being to better prepare you for your future? Listen to this episode of the Possibility Podcast and discover…

why your children need to learn the narrative of your life
how a parent’s vulnerability makes a strong child
the value in mentoring your children
how a parent’s openness with their children protects them from issues later in life

Are you a parent or grandparent ready to truly share more with your children? As an adult, have you benefitted from having mentoring, vulnerable parents?

Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments!

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #075Hello everybody, and welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy and marriage counselling, and I am the author of the Possibility Principle, the inspiration and the companion to this podcast.

I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking, a new philosophy and a new game plan for life, and all of the infinite possibilities that await you.

Hello everybody and welcome to today’s episode of the Possibility Podcast. This episode is intended for current parents, current grandparents, future parents, and for those of you who may never become parents. It’s about what our parents don’t share with us, their children, and the consequences of that. In my professional experience as a therapist, when I am working with adolescents, teens, young adults, and I have the opportunity at times to ask them what their parents shared with them about this or that, the experiences of their own lives, the ups and downs, the hardships, the struggles, the hopes, these young people look at me typically with a shrug of the shoulders. Their parents haven’t really shared the deeper narrative of their lives. This creates incredible emptiness.

When parents don’t share the texture of their lives and they just take on the role of managing their children’s education, in college applications and future jobs, we become managers in our children’s lives, but we don’t share the texture of our own life.

This is kind of like a sanitizing of life, with the fabric, the essence of life is not conveyed. The consequences of that are unimaginable, certainly a sterility, a sense of depression. There’s so much to be learned by sharing with our children, the ins and the outs, the complexities, the successes, the disappointments of our own lives. This is what it means to be human. Life is not just about stipulating your goals for the kids, their grades, and the future job. We don’t want to just be their life managers, we need to be their mentors, but we haven’t been mentoring when we don’t share our own lives.

This leads to a virtual desert of deeper sharing. I can’t even find the words to describe what those consequences look like. So as children, we may get the facts and details of our parents’ lives. We know where they grew up, but we’re missing the heartbeat, there’s a loss of storytelling and the loss of mentoring; frankly my role as a therapist isn’t necessarily about being therapeutic with my young clients. It’s about mentoring them in answering questions about life. What’s it all about, what’s the meaning? What’s the purpose? What are your fears?

When I come across a young person who has a profound fear around death and ask them if your parents ever discussed their beliefs around death spirituality, what happens… a shrug of the shoulders, it’s never been discussed.

Sometimes parents will say to me they don’t want to burden their children. I think that’s a throwaway excuse. I think, is that we were afraid of their judgment, how they will see us. But seeing us as parents in an unrealistic way, as though, we went through life undaunted unchallenged that there are ups and downs, this does not prepare our children for life. We want to share our unfulfilled hopes and wishes our disappointments and our successes and share how we handled life’s hardships and struggles. If we only share the positive or only share superficially, we are not providing a deeper narrative of our own life.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have asked my young clients as they’re talking about their parents’ history, and they share that one of the parents was previously married, and I might ask oh, how come your mom, your dad got divorced, did they ever tell you that? Nope! They never told me. Well, were you curious? They shrug the shoulders; I guess they weren’t curious.

What’s missing here? The vibrancy of life is missing. I shouldn’t be a substitute mentor. We as parents need to be able to share with our children, not just our successes, but how we navigated the rough times, a deeper sharing of our emotional lives. Our victories and our upsets in our disappointments. After all, this is all quite as a framework for life, to be able to share heartbreaks, unfulfilled hopes, fears… emotional intelligence requires the sharing of this tapestry of life, but we just tend to hit the delete button and focus on their success. The success of our kids, the grades, their relationships, their accomplishments. But no attention being paid to the emotional tapestry of our own lives.

I remember some time in my twenties, my father sharing with me that he had gone through some trouble and challenging years in his business. And he’d lie awake in bed at night, kind of like, hoping that there’d be a fire and it all his inventory would be destroyed. No one would be hurt and he could collect the insurance money. I felt so honored, did he share that with me, and how he eventually navigated through those times and became successful again in this business. It created a framework for me as to how I could handle financial stress or hardship.

When we share our challenges with our children, this creates a resilience we’re showing them how to navigate through heartbreak. Did you ever have your heart broken? How did you deal with it? Are we sharing this with our kids? Are we sharing our vulnerability with them? Sadly, we’re not.

Emotional intelligence is one of the greatest gifts that we can give to our children. The only way to foster emotional intelligence and cultivate it is to begin by sharing. Not just asking our children, how they feel. The things that go unsaid have a profound consequence in the lives of our children and in our own lives. And by the way, by not sharing these more emotionally intimate matters with our children, we don’t foster and cultivate a deeper emotional relationship with them. We guide them through life, trying to steer them away from trouble, try to steer them toward success and launch them out into the world.

But what are we launching? We are launching young people who have not been cultivated emotionally psychologically and spiritually. We have to step back from the role of being once again the manager of our children’s educational careers and making sure that they don’t get into trouble and provide so much more: a deeper, emotional sharing, an intimate sharing of our own lives, our own hopes, our own disappointments, how we would do it all over again, given the chance. What a wonderful conversation that would be.

These create memories, unforgettable memories, just like the memory I shared of my dad.

I was working recently with a young woman around her relationship and the conflict she was enduring in her relationship with her boyfriend and the fact that he was verbally abusive to her. I paused for a moment, realizing that one of her parents had previously been in a marriage that was emotionally and verbally abusive, and I realized stunningly that they’d never share that with her. Can you imagine if she had that information? How she may have navigated her own relationship differently?

We need to do more than dot the I’s and cross the T’s as parents. And by the way, for those of you are listening who are grandparents, you can step right in and do the same thing I’m proposing that parents do. Open up and share the deeper tapestry of your life. Tell stories, bring your life narrative into your relationship, have a deeper connection with your children and grandchildren that goes beyond just a utilitarian relationship, a checking in that leaves us short, short of everything we deserve in life.

Ultimately as a parent or as a grandparent, you might want to think to yourself, how do I want to be remembered? How do I want to be known by my children, by my grandchildren? This is a fundamental question to ask yourself: To be known, you need to reveal yourself in more than simple and practical ways. You need to share the flavor of your life and your life experience.

So think about the consequences of what goes unsaid, and what you haven’t been sharing with your children, and hopefully it’s not too late. We can still share.

Dive in, take the risk, embrace some vulnerability and learn to actually navigate and mentor your children through life’s ups and downs. By doing that, they may not a therapist in the future.

Well, I hope you enjoyed today’s episode and until next time be well and be safe.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast, and I welcome your feedback on this or any episode. Please send me an email at Mel at Mel Schwartz dot com, or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com.

If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show, and it’s a great way for you to show your support.

Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you get your podcasts, and that way you’ll never miss an episode.

And thanks again, and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life as you embrace new possibilities.

The post #075: Share More with Your Children first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this episode of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, we examine the paradoxical power of vulnerability. Listen along to learn…

the true meaning of vulnerability
why acting strong is truly being weak
how we’ve been wrongly taught to reject vulnerability
how vulnerability strengthens your self-worth

Are you ready to embrace the power of vulnerability in your life and harness one of the most powerful tools to achieve self-worth?

How has your embrace of vulnerability changed your life for the better? Be sure to share your experience in the comments!

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #074Hello everybody and welcome to the Possibility Podcast. I’m your host, Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and I am the author of the book The Possibility Principle, the companion to this podcast. I hope to be your thought provocateur, and I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking, and a new game plan for life.

Hello everybody, and welcome to today’s episode of the Possibility Podcast.

Very often, I refer to how words, when we really examine them, don’t mean what we think they mean. They require greater scrutiny. Today we’re going to look at the word “vulnerable” or “vulnerability,” and more deeply, we’re going to take a look at the underlying philosophy around vulnerability and weakness in our culture, and the unintended consequences of the impact about hiding our vulnerability, and how it actually decimates our self-esteem.

So, let’s begin with the word “vulnerable.” The dictionary reads, “Vulnerable: Open to attack, criticize, or a temptation.” Well, if you’re not open to attack, criticism, or temptation, I would think that you’re living in a cave; you’re isolated. Anyone is open to criticism, whether their criticism of their own self, or criticism from others. Judgment from others.

Second definition of vulnerability: willing to show emotion, to allow one’s weakness to be seen or known.

That’s consistent, Now, in western culture, particularly in American culture, there’s a message we receive: don’t be vulnerable. Don’t show your weakness or your insecurity. Hide it; pretend to be strong.

Acting strong is acting. Pretending to be strong is actually weak, because you’re hiding your weakness from others. Now: why would we want to do that?

Well, we’ve been trained to do it by our culture. Our families. You know, be careful what you say, think before you speak. So many people I’ve worked with have talked about, in their childhoods, a message from one or both parents was to have apprehension or fear about how others saw you. Now, I’m going to propose, paradoxically today, that vulnerability is not weak. It’s not fragile. It’s actually the opposite. If I hide my thoughts feelings my insecurities and doubts because I’m afraid of what you or others may think of me, that’s actually weak. I’m betraying my own self-worth, my own authenticity, out of my concern for what you may think of me. Does that sound strong? Or does that sound frightened?

Hiding your vulnerability is weak. Paradoxically, sharing your self-doubt or your insecurity is powerful. It does two things. It means that you’re not judging yourself. So if you don’t judge yourself, you’re not granting someone else the power or the opportunity to be your judge. Acting strong is acting; it’s faking it. So the goal is, don’t succumb to weakness by hiding it and imprisoning it. When you share your self-doubt, your insecurity or your weakness. It’s no longer buried within you, or imprisoned. It begins to lose its grip on you. If you go through life fearfully hiding it from others, it’s your constant companion. Wouldn’t you like to release that insecurity and that self-doubt? I can’t tell you how many times in my own life, or in my working with others, when they have shared or I have shared how by sharing an insecurity felt like a release I have nothing to hide.

Many of you may have heard me speak before about another paradox: self-esteem versus what I call other esteem. As a culture, we derive our self worth, too often, not from self, but from what kind of approval and recognition and praise we can elicit from other people. That is not self-esteem. That is what I call other esteem. When you hide your insecurity, you’re seeking other esteem. You’re setting others up as your judge.

Think of yourself on the seesaw. You’re in a down position. You’ve now elevated the other person to the up position. Is that any way to go through life? Betraying yourself. And by the way when you hide that self-doubt and that insecurity, it becomes shame. You carry this burden of shame without you throughout your life: “I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not attractive enough. I’m not likeable enough.” You bury it. It has nowhere to go. It’s stuck inside the container of your own fear.

Again, once you share those insecurities with others, you’re no longer allowing them to be your judge. You see, the fear of others judging you is a projection of the fact that you’re judging yourself. You’re taking your judgment of yourself, and you are then projecting it onto others. And by the way, these other people, they’re no different than you. The silliness, the stupidity that we’re hiding from each other because we’re afraid of what each of us is going to think of the other — that is just and absolutely nuts way of going through life, isn’t it?

So rather than worrying about how you think other people will see you, more importantly, how do you choose to see yourself. That’s the most important relationship in your life. It’s with your own self. Why are you subordinating your sense of self and elevating the opinions of other people?

Now: when you embrace your vulnerability, you’re treating yourself with self-worth. You’re a human being. We all have insecurities and doubts and when you do that you release the shame. You can watch it evaporate. So think to yourself very simply: my insecurity; my fears. Do I want to hide them, or do I choose to share them? That is the paradox of vulnerability.

Vulnerability is simply being human. It’s not weak. The weakness is hiding it shamefully. Sharing it is strong. Think about a powerful hurricane and think about a strong, rigid, formidable oak tree, or, a willow tree. The flexibility of the willow tree will survive the winds. The oak tree may very well crack.

Now: if you can validate yourself — and validating yourself means simply affirming what you feel, it doesn’t mean I’m good I’m great I’m exceptional — validating myself may sound like, “I have an insecurity; let me share it with you.” That is a self- validation. When you self Valididate, you remove the opportunity for other people to be judgmental of you.

They may still have an opinion. But why do you elevate someone’s opinion to a judgment? Remember as I’ve said many times they’re just people, they are not judges in the courthouse rendering a verdict. Just people with opinions. So often people say “I’m afraid of people’s judgment.” That’s the judging of self. Don’t elevate an opinion to a judgment, and realize that they’re likely doing the very same thing you are.

So the new philosophy for living here that I’m speaking about is come out from hiding, share your authentic self, lean into your insecurities, and you will grow by leaps and bounds.

To hear more deeply on this theme around self-esteem or other esteem, listen to my podcast called “Developing Authentic Self-Esteem,” in which I interview a young man who had worked with me in therapy and he is so kind and generous as to share his experiences, what he learned in the process, and how he came to develop really powerful, authentic self worth.

Arguably one of the most important things in your life is to develop genuine self worth. You can only do that by embracing vulnerability. Remember, vulnerable means “open to attack or criticism.” Well if you’re a human being you are open to attack or criticism. We all have insecurities of different shapes and forms. The way to process and work through those insecurities is to share them, release them, and they will tend to evaporate. Try it on, see how it goes, and please let me know.

Until next time, be well, embrace your vulnerability, and soar in your self-worth. Bye for now!

I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Possibility Podcast. I welcome your fee dback on this and any episode. Please send me an email at mel@melschwartz.com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at melschwartz.com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your reviews really help boost the visibily for the show, and it’s a great way for your to show your support.

Finally, please make sure to subscribe to the Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts, and that way you’ll never miss an episode. Thanks again, and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life and embrace new possibilities.

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

The post #074: Embrace the Power of Vulnerability first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 073 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz exposes what’s wrong with most marriage vows… and reveals the right approach to your vows — and to all committed relationships — that will give your union the best chance to succeed.

Listen to learn…

- Why promises in wedding vows will almost certainly fail
- How to phrase our wedding vows with growth and mutual transparency in mind
- Why it’s a mistake to put our best foot forward
- What most successful marriages and committed relationships have in common

Have you considered how to give your marriage or committed relationship a fighting chance? Can you think of ways you might? Let me know in the comments!

Want to watch this episode?

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #073Hello everybody and welcome to today’s episode.

Just last week I was sitting listening to the wedding vows of this beautiful young couple in their early thirties heading off toward this wonderful excitement and a great adventure of a marriage, perhaps a future family and I listened to these vows.

I’m going to love you forever. I will cherish you and value you and respect you forever.

I looked around at those seated in the wedding, the relatives and the friends of this beautiful young couple, smiles on their faces, and here were my thoughts. Oh boy, good luck. Maybe five, 10% chance of them actually achieving and sustaining that for any period of time. Meaning, passion, love, honoring, cherishing, excitement, connection. All the things that brought them together are not likely going to survive for the length of the marriage. How tragically sad but what a myth is going on here.

Why do we fall out of love? Why does passion die? And why are we pretending that these things are not likely going to happen and sending and launching this couple off into life thinking that they will.

We’re all conspiring. It’s a conspiracy of silence here which is no, we want the love to continue. What do we have to do to make this, this union, this partnering, thrive, navigate what’s going to come in front of them. We cannot succeed in relationship, committed relationship or marriage at the same time that we ignore the reality and ask, what do we have to do to survive?

You know, it’s kind of like, if you have a kid in school, let’s say high school and they’re getting Cs and C minuses and you’re giving them the speech about you need to do better and they come to you one day and they say, mom, dad, I’m going get an A in this course. You say, that’s great. How are you going to do it? They shrug their shoulders and they say, I don’t know but I’m going to do it.

That won’t work. It won’t work to say I will love you and honor you forever if we are not prepared to learn the things we need to learn to thrive in committed relationship. You can’t get a driver’s license without passing a road test and yet we go ahead and launch into committed relationships without any education. This is terribly, terribly tragic. It makes absolutely no sense. On occasions, rare occasions, I have couples coming to me for premarital counseling or even if they’re not getting married, they’ve decided to move in together and declare their commitment in a relationship and they want to learn the skills and the insights that they’re going to need to develop and demonstrate and share with each other throughout their relationship. Bravo. They just increased their odds of success by maybe fifty percent.

As you’ve heard me say before, the fact that half of marriages end in divorce? Smaller problem. The larger problem is that the majority of intact marriages or committed relationship over a period of time begins to wither. Only a small percentage of committed relationships continue to thrive down the road. That’s a staggering staggering rate of failure. We don’t permit that failure in business. We cannot permit it in our relationships.

The costs are enormous. The emotional devastation. The impact on children that you may have. Who profits from this miserable, horrible descent into frustration into conflict into disharmony. Well, pharmaceutical companies profit to the drugs that may be prescribed to you, matrimonial attorneys may profit but no one else does.

The first problem is that we deprioritize the relationship once we secure the relationship. There’s a turning away. Going back to the wedding. Well, the focus on the wedding plans, the honeymoon, the seating plans. We’re not discussing with each other the valuable, absolutely essential things that we need to know about each other. We don’t even ask the questions like, have you ever had your heart broken? How did you deal with that? What are your fears? What did you learn from watching your parents’ relationship? What are the things about you that you’d be embarrassed if I knew? Share them with me now.

We can’t put our best foot forward. We need to put our actual real self forward. We need to become comfortable with vulnerability and not defend against it. Nobody ever taught us the emotional skills around intimacy, the communication skills that we need to learn to transcend falling into the right versus wrong argument. Understanding the validating each other’s feelings doesn’t mean I agree with you. It means I care how you feel. If I don’t care how you feel how we ever going to thrive?

This is complex but it is learnable. It is teachable. A relationship that’s going to thrive doesn’t mean a relationship that never has problems or challenges. The measure of a relationship is not how good is it when it’s good. It’s how do we handle ourselves when things are rough and challenging.

So let’s come back to those marriage vows. I will love you forever. I will honor you forever. What we should be saying is I would like to love you forever and honor you forever. Now, what do I need to learn to accomplish those goals? What do you need to learn to accomplish those goals? We have to stop being naive. Again, the impact is just horrible and insidious. We don’t have to pay this price.

There’s nothing more valuable in life than thriving in our closest relationships but we don’t. We have to come out of this mythology, relationship it’s an art form. I call it the art of relationship. It’s not a rule book. It’s not about the six steps to this and the eight steps to that. A relationship is alive, it’s dynamic, and it’s evolving. So, you take two people who commit to each other in a relationship. Those two people shouldn’t stagnate nor should the relationship stagnate. The challenges in a relationship become opportunities for growth. My growth and your growth. If we think of a relationship as two individuals engaged in their own process of growing and evolving. I call it becoming rather than a fixed state of being it’s a process of becoming.

If we look at a relationship is a process of becoming then those marriage vows, they have merit to them. There’s an opportunity and chance that those marriage vows, those commitments can work. We have to get past the emptiness of these words and ask the hard questions.

Please before you enter into a committed relationship or a marriage, before you have children, ask yourselves, am I engaged in this process of learning to the best of my ability how to communicate with understanding and compassion and empathy, how to get out of my own way, how not to default to right versus wrong so I can put my money where my mouth is and make my very best effort for this relationship to thrive so you can thrive and I can thrive and
those around us can.

You can make those marriage vows come true. At least you can make those marriage vows stand a much better chance of succeeding. It requires much more than lip service. It requires new learning. It’s the most rewarding learning you can ever do. So please, it’s never too late. Get started.

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Don’t miss a single Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz! Subscribe for free in iTunes / Apple Podcasts, Spotify, RadioPublic, Spreaker, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Or, simply copy / paste the RSS link directly into the podcast app of your choice!

Thank you!

The post #073: Your Best Chance at a Successful Marriage first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In episode 072 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, let’s examine the fundamental pillars of leadership in our personal and business relationships.

Listen to learn…

…what we’re talking about when we talk about leadership
…the difference between passive and participatory leadership
…what one fundamental quality of an effective leader has in common with the concepts of quantum physics
…how you can release your inner leader

Do you practice these leadership fundamentals? Can you think of ways you might? Let me know in the comments!

Want to watch this episode?

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #072Hi, everybody and welcome to today’s episode of The Possibility Podcast. I’m going to be referring today to the three principles of leadership.

Now, let’s begin by trying to put some description or definition to leadership. A leader is not an authoritarian figure. A leader is not a ruler. A leader is not someone that you’re frightened of or concerned about what they think of you. That’s not leadership. That’s authoritarianism. Leaders inspire, they motivate, and they demonstrate by participating. Not just saying this is what you need to do. I’m behind you. That’s not leadership. Leaders are not what we call nowadays thought leaders. Everybody calls themselves a thought leader. Well, what are they leading? Their thoughts are common. An inspirational thinker can be a thought leader but let’s leave that aside for the moment.

I’m going to propose to you today that there are different qualities to leaderships. There are inner qualities and there are outer qualities. Um some of the qualities of leaders are a sense of fearlessness. Um a sense of following your intuition. It means you’ve done your homework and you’re really diligent and vigilant but there is an intuitive quality where you’re feeling your way along and inspiring others.

Leaders are by definition singular. Not everyone can be a leader. Most of the people have to be in the pack, don’t they? We’ve all heard the term natural born leader. Well, no doubt there are people who are innately, naturally born as leaders but you can learn to become a leader and we’re going to focus a lot on that in this talk. There are external qualities to leaders being able to communicate effectively, seeming confident, well poised, style, body language, personality, and often intelligence. Although no doubt there have been exceptional leaders who were rather average minded. Doesn’t require great intelligence but it can’t hurt.

But the inner path of leadership which we’re going to be focused on can be learned and can be cultivated. Before we dive into that leaders lead what?

They can lead families. The typical patriarchal family of the past was led by the father figure. We’ve evolved thankfully and the leader of a family need not be one gender or another. So, there can be leaders and families, organizations, businesses, teams, sports teams, smaller teams in schools, smaller teams in businesses.

You can be a leader amongst friends. There are so many different ways in which we can lead.

Let’s move into the first pillar of leadership which I am calling emotional intelligence. Now, you’ve heard me speak of emotional intelligence many times. So, let me just step back and describe what I mean.

Emotional intelligence is about my ability to perceive and understand what I am feeling and to effectively communicate that feeling and for me to be able to tune in to what you’re feeling if need be to ask questions to help you open up and share your feelings with me. It’s the ability to communicate with clarity and confidence. Emotional intelligence is a pillar number one.

Now, as a culture, we are increasingly coming to value emotional intelligence but on the whole, it is still devalued. It is considered less important than cognitive intelligence. That whole idea needs to be greatly reconsidered. You can have exceptional cognitive intelligence and yet fail miserably in happiness, leadership, success, cognitive intelligence needs to be joined with emotional intelligence when we have both engines running effectively and sync with each other. Wow. Powerful, real, genuine leadership.

One of the problems we encounter in being emotionally intelligent is we think that our communications, our thoughts and ideas that we’re communicating are received and understood just as we intend them to be.

This is wrong, it is misinformed. We aren’t simply robots exchanging bits of data. We are not computers. We are human beings and the absence of a shared meaning, a tuning in to make sure we’re all on the same page or on the same sentence so to speak is essential to emotional intelligence. We’re going to dive into that a bit more deeply in just a little while.

So, again, we are not robots transacting bits of data. We are complex human beings with our own personal narratives and histories hopes wishes desires traumas feelings and beliefs we need to put that all in the mix when we’re communicating with each other because the disruption of coherent communication is due to a lack of shared meaning now obviously in a simple exchange you can’t inquire as to someone’s own personal narrative and history but we can actually tune in and ask do they understand what we are exchanging what we are informing what does it mean to them we need to have curiosity and lean in to have emotional intelligence.

Curiosity, checking in, tuning in, not just articulating what needs to be done or how to do it but tuning in to each individual in a way whereby we’re seeing it. It’s a corresponding with what we’re saying. That’s the key to correspond. Now, feelings can get in the way of the job and in the business. They often do and I’m not just speaking of business here. We can be talking about family relationship or leadership in any field.

So, emotional intelligence, pillar number one requires deeper levels of knowing and connecting, tuning in to the other person, seeking a correspondence. So, what do I mean by correspondence, it’s literally an active energy field where we actually take the moment and tune in to find out are we really in sync here and if we’re not encouraging in openness and a safety so that both parties can really communicate effectively. When I’m speaking about here is actually a sense of relatedness. So, if it is a large group following one particular leader, we want to create a relatedness where there is an empathy and appreciation. Appreciation of what one another is feeling.

Now, pillar number two, I used to call this emotional transparency. I’ve added the word radical in front. Radical emotional transparency. How did I come to this term? Ray Dalio, the founder of the great hedge fund, the largest hedge fund I believe in the world, Bridgewater, speaks of radical transparency. Simply put the theme in Bridgewater is that you challenge each other about your thoughts, your beliefs, your operating instructions, challenge, challenge, challenge.

What radical transparency is missing though is EQ, emotional quota, emotional intelligence. We need to tune in to how our feelings getting in the way. Obscuring or blocking the communication is coming from the leader on down to everyone else. So, under radical transparency, Bridgewater style, you challenge each other. Why do you think that? Why do you think that’s true? How do you know it’s true? Doesn’t allow for feelings only for thoughts and only for thinking.

That is tragically limited. We can never make believe or pretend that our values, our personal history, our emotions don’t spill over and impact what we think is rational discourse. This is so short minded. Terribly so. So, I’ve added the word emotional to make it radical emotional transparency.

We need to appreciate how our feelings inform and impact the logical data. How we feel is arguably as important as what we think. Our thoughts and feelings impact each other. They are in a dance. They are in relationship with each other. Radical emotional intelligence takes into account what lies beneath and how this impacts everyone. So what I’m referring to is a really a collaborative type of dialogue that checks in to assure that what we’ve just been sharing has been heard and received in the same way we intended it. It only takes a moment. That moment opens the doorway to curiosity, to wonder, to a shared engagement where you’re participating. The leader is participating with those they’re leading and those who led or getting an opportunity to participate with the leader.

Now, leaders then realize that what they intended to communicate may not have come across just as what they thought. It’s alive. There’s a vibrance to this level of dialogue. Now, this checking in process is also respectful. It’s sincere. It enables leaders to get closer to their team because the team is not just being given orders, marching orders, or directions. There’s an allowance for a kindred human spirit to occur which is a quality that great leaders have. That’s why great leaders can inspire.

Think about musicians in an orchestra. Now, for them to be in concert with each other, pun intended, in harmony with each other. We need a conductor to make certain that they are all attuned in playing from the same musical score. The same holds true for leaders.

Now, other qualities of great leaders, authenticity. A rare, unique talent. Authenticity means that there’s no fear. There’s no fear about what I think you think of me. Authenticity requires a leader to share their own doubts, insecurities, their own troubles, how they’ve navigated mishaps in the past, authenticity, deeply genuine self-esteem, important quality for a leader. Unique. Firstly, authenticity is unique and is extra ordinary. Extraordinary, extra ordinary.

When you think of a leader, think perhaps Dalai Lama as a leader. Does he strike you as unique, extraordinary, and authentic by all means. So, to cultivate your own ability to be a leader means working on your self esteem, authentic self esteem where you have nothing to hide and nothing to fear. As an authentic leader, you truly welcome criticism and critical feedback. It’s part of the generative learning process. A genuine sharing of your own inner self. Your life’s travels, your hardships, your struggles. We don’t worry about what we’re going to say next. We can be comfortable in silence. We can be comfortable in confusion.

You know, the genuine quality of a leader when asked a certain questions. We can stand back and say, interesting question. I’ve never considered that. Let’s all think about that. Let me think about it. That leader is present in the moment. Genuine and authentic. So, you see the sense of leadership that I’m talking about is evolving. It’s flowing. It’s emerging. It’s never static. It’s tuning in. It’s creative. It’s curious.

Third pillar of leadership. Embracing uncertainty. I know you’ve heard me speak about the embrace of uncertainty so often you’re probably tired of it by now but it’s so critical. A leader or a so-called leader who’s seeking certainty is not a leader. That’s working from a mathematical equation. A leader must embrace uncertainty. You can’t lead by sitting back and predict it. You can’t be a spectator and a leader at the same time. You need to participate and engage. You have to get out in front.

Now, to get out in front means that you’re in the field of uncertainty. It’s kind of like follow me, we’ll figure this out, I’ll take the lead. Now, the leader must be informed by information to a certain extent but that’s just part of the equation. That same leader gain informed by information but not suffocated by data. That’s not leadership. You see, the leader I’m describing is intuitive. He leads by stepping out in the front.

You know, there are military pictures or allusions that come to mind is the general leading from behind and commanding the troops forward or is the leader out in front. Now, again, the orchestra conductor in concert is a leader. It’s participatory with the music. The leader cannot be fearful of making a mistake. Mistakes will be made. Errors will be made. But the leader can’t be in fear of making a mistake. Which means if you get stuck in analyzing too much in the predictive quality that is not leadership.

Now we need to think of this. If we analyze too much and interpret data too much is a consequence of inaction. We worry about the consequences of our actions. What about the consequence of inaction? You can’t lead and be spending all of your time head down analyzing data. Authentic leaders don’t fret the consequences of their actions. This is much as they consider the consequences of their inactions. This is a participatory leadership and you participate in the unfolding of possibilities, not charting the future but embracing the uncertainty.

It’s kind of like what in quantum physics is called a reality making process. Reality is perpetually remaking itself. Everything is flowing. The leader who follows all three pillars of leadership is out in front in the flow. Navigating. Navigating uncertainty. Seeing opportunities and possibilities and uncertainty. Not leading from behind.

Well, I hope this conversation about the three pillars of leadership piques some new thinking on your part, perhaps inspirationally so and there is so much more to be discussed around this and it’s correlation to authentic self esteem. If you haven’t listened to my episode developing authentic self esteem, I encourage you to do so. It really dovetails very well with this discussion on leadership.

And I’ll conclude with this thought. There is a leader that lies within you. Summon that leader up. Welcome that leader into the light. Showcase that leader in you because a genuine and powerful leader has to be a leader within their own selves first before they can lead others.

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

The post #072: Will You Master These Leadership Fundamentals? first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 071 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz features an exploration of the tendency in this culture to dumb down our thinking and obscure complexity. This either / or thinking often leads to disaster in our relationships.

Listen to learn…

…how the Included Middle gives us the space to embrace complexity
…why reality is not compartmentalized into “this” and “that”
…what you can do to avoid categorizing other people’s actions
…how quantum physics offers us a model of reality with nuance and texture

In what ways might your life improve if you embrace complexity and reject either / or thinking? Let me know in the comments!

Want to watch this episode?

Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #071Hello everyone and welcome to today’s episode. We’re going to explore the nature of our thinking here, our tendency to dumb down our thinking and obscure complexity. It gets us into ruinous situations in our lives and our relationships and the world we live in. It’s about how to avoid this dumbing down of our thinking and engage new thinking with a rigor and a vitality that enables us to really thrive and break through and learn.

I’m calling it “Avoiding the trap of either / or thinking.” Let me explain to you what I mean by this. When I’m speaking with somebody I pay more attention to how they think than what they think. What am I saying here?

How we think is the filter through which we see, organize information, construct reality. What you think is the end product of it. Now our thinking, since the time of Aristotle, has been rooted in what’s called “either / or” thinking. Either / or thinking is “is this good, or is this bad? Do you agree with this, or do you disagree with it?” The questions that are posed to us create these compartments where reality is this way or it’s that way: either / or thinking. Um, if I’m right, that means you need to be wrong. Either / or thinking: we create separate compartments to our thoughts.

I’ve come across this very often. Obviously it’s my filter through which I see so I’m aware of it. I remember during the um, shortly after 9/11. President George Bush said, “You’re either with us or you’re against us;” created two separate compartments. We have to choose! Either way we organize reality sets these different compartments of reality. The concept of good wouldn’t exist without the concept of bad.

But there is this area that should be called the Included Middle. Different degrees — why do we have to organize our thought to go to this, or this, in two different extremes? Quantum physics has a notion called complementarity which is that opposing opposites exist. And that’s the way we organize reality.

But we do it to an extreme and we avoid what’s called the Included Middle. And this causes ruin to us.

Um, here’s another example: Often you still hear the argument, surprisingly or amazingly, about “is global warming, is climate change, caused by human behavior?” We get into the argument, “yes it is / no it isn’t.” That avoids the most important conversation. If a meteor was headed for a direct impact with planet earth and it would destroy life, would we be getting into an argument about “we didn’t cause the meteor, lets ignore it?”

When we limit ourselves to either / or thinking, we avoid complexity. Now when we avoid complexity, we dumb down. It is ruinous in our relationships with one another, with ourselves, with the environment, with everything!

Let me explain a bit more about what I’m referring to. The tendency is to choose category A or category B. When I am asked an either / or question, “Mel, do you agree with this or disagree? Mel, is this good or is this bad?” I have retrained my mind so I cannot answer an either / or question. I don’t want to because it’s created two separate constructions, two separate realities and I have to choose, like I’m on a game show, between one or the other.

But that’s not how reality operates. Reality is complex, it’s full of nuance and texture. Let’s look at relationships. In my work as a marriage counselor, as a couples therapist, or in my own life experience and engagement in relationships: when we default to right or wrong / yes or now, we lose the very heart, the vibrancy of what it is to be human, which is texture and complexity.

So as a culture, we have retreated so terribly to this dumbing down and choosing box a or box b. Actually, I remember taking tests where you had to choose multiple choice, A B C or D. I had a hard time because they were creating categories that were leaving out so much. We lose so much of what it is to be human and we then become trained to avoid complexity.

Complexity isn’t bad. Complexity is rich. Reality is complex. It is not oversimplified. The oversimplification of our thinking and our communication creates a bifurcation. Two different realms, and I have to choose between the two. Consciousness cannot prevail there. Insights and wisdom cannot prevail. And that’s oversimplification.

It’s ruinous to everything.

Here’s an example: I was asked, during an interview many years ago, this question: “So Mel, do we discover reality or do create reality?” I was being asked to choose. It was a false choice; a false option. I thought about it and I said, “Hm, I can’t answer that from the way you’re framing it. I believe that we discover reality and we create reality. They’re not illogically opposed to each other. Because when I create something, reality expands.”

When Einstein came up with the theory of relativity and it was confirmed empirically, scientifically, what he created is imagination created something that added to scientific knowledge. In that case he created it, he didn’t discover it. But also, what we discover is participating in what we create. They’re not separate categories.

In our human relations with each other, let me explain how ruinous this is.

The need to be right — separate categories, right and wrong — destroys and impedes the ability to check in to feelings. Now feelings are not right or wrong. Feelings should open us up to curiosity. Instead of saying “You’re wrong, I didn’t do that,” we need to move into someone else’s experience and ask, “How do you feel that way? I’m curious. I need to understand, I want to understand.” We need to embrace not knowing. We need to embrace confusion. Confusion is not a bad thing. We’ve been trained because of this dumbing down, this oversimplification, that it’s bad to be confused.

No. Nothing could be further from the truth. When I read or listen to a podcast, I want to experience confusion. I want to experience not knowing. Why?

Because when I can embrace that uncertainty and that not knowing, at a future moment in time, the cloudiness will part, I will have an insight, my understanding, my intelligence, my knowledge, will grow. It cannot do so through oversimplification.

Now, our thought, then, becomes trained to either or thinking, so we are trained, we are educated, we are acclimated, to avoid vulnerability of thought. Vulnerability of thought is confusion. not being certain, not knowing. Curiosity is not knowing. “I’m curious. I want to know; I want to understand.” We live again in this oversimplified culture, and truthfully, we’ve been doing it since the era of Aristotle, in which experts render their expert opinion.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to hear a debate, or an expert on TV ask a question and embrace not knowing? Embrace complexity?

The great Supreme Court justice Oliver Wendall Holmes, ah, this quote is attributed to him; certain of the words may not be accurate and the language is arcane; he lived a long time ago. But he said, “I don’t give a darn for simplicity on this side of complexity. But I would give the world for simplicity on the other side of complexity.”

What did he mean? He meant opening up to not knowing, to not understanding, embracing the complexity, going through the process and then coming to clarity on the other side: that engagement of complexity is the engine of learning. It’s the engine of insight. Einstein didn’t come to his theories and insights by oversimplifying.

When we do that in our relationships, with ourselves and with others, we become ignorant. We’re no longer generative. Think to yourself when you’re asked an either / or questions, how you can reframe it and not default to these either / or categories.

When we can avoid the trap of either / or thinking — not surrender to checking this box or that box — we actually engage complexity. We’re no longer dumbing down.

Now what happens when we engage complexity? We move into the texture, the nuance, the complexity, the subjective realities — this is rich — this is where the dance of knowledge and insight comes from. But we can’t get there through a dumbing down. This is the vehicle for progress in our relationships and our curiosity to have wonder and curiosity. The thrill of not knowing, if you don’t judge yourself, allows you to navigate into new terrain — it’s exciting! It’s profoundly alive and present.

Let’s look at the debate in the United States over abortion. Are you pro-choice, yes or no? Well, I can be pro-choice, and yet I can be sensitive and compassionate to the feelings of people who feel differently, who believe in the right to life. We don’t have to draw battle lines. We need this included middle in our lives, in our relationship. Not the polar opposites. Emotions are complex. Emotions — sad, angry, confused, curious — they’re just words. They require the complexity of moving into it.

Now, sometimes people will say, “Well, I’m angry.” Greater complexity is that underneath anger is often fear. So if I’m angry, am I afraid? Am I insecure, do I feel at risk, do I explore the complexity of those feelings, and share them. Which would we be listened to and heard whereas anger is going to be shut down.

I read an article many years ago, I believe in the New York Times, and it was about the nature of concrete. That whe- before concrete becomes a solid state, it’s liquid. And if you keep that liquid vibrating, it doesn’t become solid, it doesn’t become concrete, it doesn’t become concretized. I try to do the same with my thinking. Which is if we can keep it vibrating, and to keep thought and relationships and communications vibrating requires curiosity, not default to right or wrong, dualistic, either / or thinking. If we can keep it vibrating, that’s not challenging. That’s alive. It’s vibrant. It’s engaged. It’s present.

What I mean by that is: being able to ask a new questions. How often have you thought to yourself, “I want to ask a new question of myself or others.” A new question brings us into absolutely new territory. The power of a new question is profound.

Or, when I’m asked a certain question, I might enquire, “Why did you ask me that question?” Questions prompt specific answers, they tend to fall into the dichotomy of either / or thinking.

Our cultural message is simple, it’s quicker, it’s better. Nobody has time for complexity. This may come to us from the media of TV, um, the value of the moment watching, advertising power, but it’s not a way to live our lives. We need to have wonder and curiosity and come out of these compartments and categories that we default to. Insight. Wisdom. Progress. Always comes from engaging complexity. Now let’s call that “either / and / or.”

Sometimes it sounds weird, I know — I may ask an either / and / or question. I won’t say, “Do you think it’s this, or do you think it’s that?” I might say, “Do you think this is due to this, and / or is it due to that?” That’s the included middle.

In twilight, it’s neither daytime nor nighttime. There is an included middle. I can be angry and feel vengeance and hate, and still feel love. Human nature is complex. When the mind can engage complexity and the heart can engage complexity, and stop defaulting to these either / or categories, we will come out of ignorance, we can thrive in our lives intellectually and emotionally and in terms of relationship.

Try it. Notice the either / or thinking; notice the either / or questions, and resist! Create a new category which is all-encompassing, and your life will really benefit from that shift.

Well I hope you enjoyed today’s conversation and episode, there’s so much more on this available to you; I look forward to speaking with you soon. Bye.

Subscribe to The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz

Thank you!

The post #071: The Trap of Either / Or Thinking first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In episode 070 of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, Mel presents his "origin story" as an example of how challenges and uncertainty can be transformational.

The post #070: Sharing My Personal Transformation first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 069 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz asks the question we all ask: "Who am I?" But is it the right question..? Listen to find out!

The post #069: “Who Am I? Revisited first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In episode 68 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, we look at how to break free of the shackles of conformity to live a life of integrity.

The post #068: How to Break Free from Conformity first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 67 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz examines how healthy relationships follow the same quantum physics rules as the universe itself!

The post #067: The Quantum Entanglement of Relationships first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 066 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz inspires you to employ critical thinking to live a life of purpose and happiness.

The post #066: Critical Thinking for Your Life first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 064 reveals the hidden personality waiting behind our everyday masks. Listen to learn how to reveal your true self!

The post #065: Tear Off Your Personality Masks first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 064 kicks off a podcast series exploring the untapped potential of our minds, which Mel portrays as the true metaverse.

The post #064: Your Mind is the True Metaverse first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 063 investigates the art of coherent communication. Mel reveals how curiosity, context, and shared meaning can keep conversations from getting bogged down by misunderstanding.

The post #063: The Art of Coherent Communication first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 062 features Mel in conversation with Audra Anderson, who was inspired to share her own mid-life opportunity story with podcast listeners.

The post #062: Break Free from Your Past first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 061, Mel explains how uncertainty and disruption can be forces for positive change if we can only adjust how we think about our personal status quo and escape the familiar zone of everyday life.

The post #061: Change Your Mind, Change Your Life first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 060 finds Mel decrying the current state of honesty in our government and society, and presents some revolutionary ideas on how to bring truth back to politics and culture.

The post #060: I Swear to Tell the Truth… first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 059, Mel declares that if marriage was a corporation, it would be bankrupt. Fortunately, there are ways to re-frame commitment and responsibility that help cultivate a healthy, lasting, committed realtionship.

The post #059: If Marriage Was a Corporation… first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 058 describes the essential power of validation as an engine of connection, empathy, and intimacy. Listen as Mel provides actionable techniques to help you validate others in your relationships.

The post #058: The Essential Power of Validation first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Listen as Mel describes both why, and how, we must remember to detox our minds as well as our bodies, clearing negative and repetitive thoughts and regaining control of our potential.

The post #057: Detox Your Mind first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Mel Schwartz re-frames the mid-life crisis as a powerful opportunity for growth, change, and personal evolution. Listen to learn how what others call "crisis" can be a moment of positive transformation.

The post #056: Mid-Life Crisis? Mid-Life Opportunity! first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Mel Schwartz explains how being curious is essential for a life of possibility, and how curiosity is the driving force behind successful relationships.

The post #055: Are You Curious? first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Mel Schwartz explores the underlying trends contributing to the rise in teen suicide and offers suggestions on how to give teens and young people the tools to avoid feelings of despair and disconnection.

The post #054: Reducing Teen Suicide: The Hidden Causes first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Possibility Podcast host Mel Schwartz explains how we must break free of the Familiar Zone of and predictability to release negative and toxic routines that may stagnate our growth.

The post #053: Break Free From Your Familiar Zone first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Possibility Podcast host Mel Schwartz describes how the American Psychological Association's Diagnosis and Statistical Manual is inherently flawed, and proposes a different, more realistic approach to treatment.

The post #052: The Madness of Mental Health Diagnosis first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Why living a life of deep meaning and purpose helps us feel significant and valuable to ourselves and in our relationships with others.

The post #051: Be Significant first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 50 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz offers lessons on the value of turning small talk into real talk for human connection.

The post #050: Turn Small Talk into Real Talk first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 49 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz examines the gift of forgiveness for ourselves and in our relationships with others.

The post #049: The Gift of Forgiveness first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 48 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, a companion to the Cultivating Intimate and Resilient Relationships virtual course, features an exploration of the problem with silence.

The post #048: The Problem with Silence first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 47 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, a companion to the Cultivating Intimate and Resilient Relationships virtual course, explores the destructive nature of needing to be right.

The post #047: Why the Need to Be Right Is So Destructive first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 46 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz is the first in a series of episodes complimenting Mel's Cultivating Intimate and Resilient Relationships virtual course.

The post #046: Unraveling the Enigma of Relationships first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 045 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz features a conversation with spiritual coach Christian de le Huerta on the nature of the soul and personal power.

The post #045: Exploring the Nature of Soul and Personal Power with Christian de la Huerta first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

Awakening the Soul of Power: How to Live Heroically and Set Yourself Free (Calling All Heroes)

View Details

Episode 044 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz has Mel musing on the paradox of progress, and what real personal progress can mean, and what it requires of us.

The post #044: The Paradox of Progress first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 043 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz presents Mel's thoughts on how freeing ourselves from the known and embracing uncertainty can open us to a new game plan for living.

The post #043: Freedom From the Known first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In episode 042 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, Mel shares a lively conversation with Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt participatory, evolving relationships.

The post #042: A Radical Rethinking of Relationships with Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 041 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz features a conversation with Andrew Cannon, founder of Quandrum and host of The Art and Science of Joy podcast, on the importance of authenticity to achieve a joyful life.

The post #041: Reaching Your Authentic Self with Andrew Cannon first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this 40th episode of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, Mel explains how to recognize and release old coping mechanisms that may be blocking our future growth and stifling authenticity.

The post #040: When Old Coping Mechanisms Block Our Growth first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In episode 039 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, we are challenged to rethink our biases and face false claims of objectivity in order to become better communicators in all of our relationships.

The post #039: The Inherent Bias of Being Human first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this bonus episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, we present the audio from Mel’s recent appearance on the YouTube series From Stuck to Unstoppable, in which Mel reveals several "brain hacks" we can adopt.

The post #038: Bonus Episode – Brain Hacks for Success first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Mel Schwartz reveals why we sometimes drive ourselves (and others) crazy pursuing a perfection that is unachievable and counter to a good life in this episode of The Possibility Podcast.

The post #037: The Problem With Perfection first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Possibility Podcast host Mel Schwartz has a wide-ranging and freewheeling conversation with author, illustrator, and mystic Hans Wilhelm on purpose, free will, and living well.

The post #036: Life Explored With Hans Wilhelm first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 036 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz features an observation of Mel's: Men who cry at movies rarely do so over personal matters. Listen to discover why this is, and what it means.

The post #035: Men Who Cry at Movies first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Mel Schwartz explores the question of the mind-body connection with author and scholar Dr. Ken Pelletier in episode 034 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz.

The post #034: Beyond the MindBody Connection first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

It's a bonus episode of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz featuring Mel interviewed on the Anxiety Slayers podcast in an informative overview of how tenets of quantum physics can help us manage anxiety.

The post #033: Bonus Episode — Eliminate Anxiety first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast host Mel Schwartz engages with fellow podcaster Paul Samuel Dolman (What Matters Most) on the consequences of living in a truth-less world.

The post #032: Bonus Episode — The End of Reality: The Consequences of a Truth-Less and Fact-Less World first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this bonus episode, Possibility Podcast host Mel Schwartz is interviewed on the Hero's Journey Economy Podcast to discuss navigating life without fear.

The post #031: Bonus Episode — The Hero’s Journey first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 30 of the Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz features an interview with yoga therapist Jennie Lee on how beliefs inform our perception of the truth.

The post #030: How Our Beliefs Inform Our “Truths” first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

This episode of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz features an interview Mel did hosted by Dr. Elizabeth Cronin of the New Books in Psychology Podcast on the question of how we want to experience our lives.

The post #029: Bonus Episode — How Do You Want to Experience Your Life? first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Host Mel Schwartz explores how not speaking up in relationships of all kinds can result in stagnation, self-fulfilling prophesies, and default mutual misunderstanding.

The post #028: The Damage Done by What Goes Unspoken first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Possibility Podcast 27 has Mel breaking down the secret to changing other people's minds by focusing on beliefs, not facts.

The post #027: How To Change People’s Minds first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

We all just want to be loved…but we struggle as we get in our own way. In this episode, Mel navigates the nuances and complexities… Continue reading #026: We All Just Want to be Loved

The post #026: We All Just Want to be Loved first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Even in the best of times, recurring relationship conflicts and frustrating communications can feel daunting. During the coronavirus pandemic confinement, these challenges can feel even… Continue reading #025: Relationship Resilience During Coronavirus Confinement

The post #025: Relationship Resilience During Coronavirus Confinement first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Episode 24 of the Possibility Podcast has Mel Schwartz and fellow podcast host Paul Samuel Dolman sharing strategies and perspectives on staying emotionally resilient during the COVID-19 pandemic.

The post #024: Staying Psychologically and Emotionally Resilient Through the Pandemic first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this bonus episode, Tami Simon of the Sounds True podcast Insights at the Edge interviews Mel on a wide variety of topics related to and inspired by his… Continue reading #023: Bonus Episode ~ Mel on the Sounds True Podcast

The post #023: Bonus Episode ~ Mel on the Sounds True Podcast first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In dating and early stage romantic relationships, there’s a belief that we should put our best foot forward. If we really look at this tendency,… Continue reading #022: Why You Shouldn’t Put Your Best Foot Forward

The post #022: Why You Shouldn’t Put Your Best Foot Forward first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

It’s all to common to get lost in the facts and details of arguments as we debate over right vs. wrong. This type of argument… Continue reading #021: Do You Care How I Feel?

The post #021: Do You Care How I Feel? first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this bonus episode, Billy J. Atwell of the Fear Not podcast interviews Mel on the nature of fear and methods for transcending this common, yet debilitating… Continue reading #020: Bonus Episode ~ Mel on the Fear Not Podcast

The post #020: Bonus Episode ~ Mel on the Fear Not Podcast first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this bonus episode Mel Schwartz is interviewed by Dr. Charles Parker on his show CoreBrain Journal (hear the original episode here). Dr. Parker and… Continue reading #019: Bonus Episode ~ Mel on the CoreBrain Journal Podcast

The post #019: Bonus Episode ~ Mel on the CoreBrain Journal Podcast first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The belief that the best we can do is to cope with or manage anxiety is both wrong, irresponsible and harmful. The epidemic incidence of… Continue reading #018: Overcoming Anxiety

The post #018: Overcoming Anxiety first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Our words matter. They matter far more than we likely understand. In this episode of the Possibility Podcast, Mel Schwartz introduces eight common words we… Continue reading #017: Word Hacking – Eight Common Words That Disrupt Our Lives and Relationships

The post #017: Word Hacking – Eight Common Words That Disrupt Our Lives and Relationships first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this episode Mel explains how our innate state of potential becomes narrowed and finite due to personal experiences; often early in life. From these… Continue reading #016: Reclaim Your Lost Potential

The post #016: Reclaim Your Lost Potential first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this episode Mel shares a personal life-altering experience that both challenged his identity and yet also provided an opportunity for his deeper growth. He… Continue reading #015: The Moment That Changed My Life

The post #015: The Moment That Changed My Life first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

We all want to be happy, but most of us struggle in this endeavor. In this episode of The Possibility Podcast, Mel explores the elusive nature… Continue reading #014: How to Achieve and Sustain Happiness

The post #014: How to Achieve and Sustain Happiness first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this episode Mel delves into the nature of healthy self-love. This love for self is not self-interested or narcissistic, but a bountiful relationship with… Continue reading #013: You Can’t Love Another If You Don’t Love Yourself

The post #013: You Can’t Love Another If You Don’t Love Yourself first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

How we view personal change and what we believe about the change process will inform the story of our life. In this episode of The Possibility… Continue reading #012: Why We Struggle With Change

The post #012: Why We Struggle With Change first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this bonus episode Mel is interviewed by Paul Samuel Dolman, the talented host of the What Matters Most podcast. Paul explores Mel’s insights and perspectives about… Continue reading #011: Rethinking Our Relationships (Mel Interviewed on the What Matters Most Podcast)

The post #011: Rethinking Our Relationships (Mel Interviewed on the What Matters Most Podcast) first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this episode Mel shares the inner path to cultivating your leadership abilities. He proposes that leaders aren’t necessarily born as leaders. We can learn… Continue reading #010: The Inner Path of Leadership

The post #010: The Inner Path of Leadership first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The concept of self worth remains tragically misunderstood in our culture. Most people seek to bolster their sense of self by being well thought of,… Continue reading #009: The Power of Authentic Self-Esteem

The post #009: The Power of Authentic Self-Esteem first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

“Who am I?” is a common question that many people ponder. In this episode inspired by his popular article, Mel Schwartz explains why this may in… Continue reading #008: Who Am I?

The post #008: Who Am I? first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this episode, Mel teaches us how our old beliefs and thoughts trap us in the past, setting up our struggle with change. He shares… Continue reading #007: Breaking Free From Imprisoning Thoughts

The post #007: Breaking Free From Imprisoning Thoughts first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Mel says, “As a culture we tend to focus on the achievement and success of our children but omit something far more important; their resilience.”… Continue reading #006: Raising Resilient Children

The post #006: Raising Resilient Children first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

In this bonus episode Mel is interviewed by Matt Bodnar on The Science of Success Podcast. Matt, a truly gifted interviewer, prompts Mel to share the evolution of… Continue reading #005: Mel Schwartz Interviewed on the Science of Success Podcast

The post #005: Mel Schwartz Interviewed on the Science of Success Podcast first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The compulsion to be “right,” the need to win the argument, can be mind-numbing. This tendency withers our relationships. Mel Schwartz asks the question, “Would… Continue reading #004: Getting Past the Argument — Why Is It So Important to Be Right?

The post #004: Getting Past the Argument — Why Is It So Important to Be Right? first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

Special bonus content episode! After reading Mel’s new book, The Possibility Principle, a producer with Radio New Zealand contacted Mel for an interview with Sunday Morning host Jim Mora. Thanks… Continue reading #003: Rethinking How We Think and How We Communicate (Radio New Zealand Interview)

The post #003: Rethinking How We Think and How We Communicate (Radio New Zealand Interview) first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.

View Details

The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz: Recent Episodes

Mel Schwartz, LCSW