"How's Your Dad, Simon?": Recent Episodes

Simon Pursehouse

Every Friday, usually when my dad is waiting for his takeaway curry to be made and he's sat in the pub opposite having a pint, he texts me a collection of brilliantly terrible jokes he's collated that week from various places.

This is me reading them out for the first time.

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Kittens, deodorant and snooker.

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Cashback, VW's & Caesar salads.

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Pumpkins, speedboats & Scottish doctors.

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Janet Street Porter, protein powder & marriage phobia.

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Shrinking, dry cleaners & bagels.

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Entomology, chromosomes & eBay.

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Poachers, counting & hypochondriacs.

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John Travolta, security systems & grandads.

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Pins and needles, luggage & drummer's offspring.

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Ladders, Nirvana & cookies.

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Arsonists, arts and crafts & rogue antique dealers.

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Alcoholics, donkeys & rescue dogs.

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Smash Hits, cotton buds & home insurance.

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Woodwork, RyanAir & Ikea.

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Apiary, telekinesis & Michael Jackson.

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Yoghurt, pizza & strawberries.

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Dogs, Henry VIII & deer.

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Calculators, parachute jumps & masseurs. 

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Italian bread, zoo cleaning & highlighters.

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Solar power, eye tests & The Monkees.

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Psychics, hyenas & DFS.

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Driving tests, invisible ink & counting in French.

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Editing, Greggs & floorboards.

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Castles, graffiti & Tin Turner.

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Moses, tinitus & mediums.

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Paranoia, poetry & bingo.

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Elephants, fruit machines & Egyptians.

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Tsunamis, drummers & bracelets.

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Swimming, board games & village greens.

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Hamsters, grizzly bears & Cat Stevens. 

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Imperial War Museum, periodic table & crosswords.

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Great Expectations, lumberjacks & crystal balls.

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Indian reservations, Lourdes & stool samples.

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Hot flushes, Schrodinger's cat & golf.

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James Bond, rabbit stew & zebras.

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Waterskiing, Karl Marx's sister & badgers.

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Yul Brynner, jazz musicians & knots.

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Batteries, Elton John & bakers.

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Tropical fish, John Lennon & milkmen.

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Monopoly, trumpets & Footloose.

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Mothers, wives & grandads.

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Impressionists, bread & landlords.

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Surgery, Cat Stevens & grandkids.

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Eton, sat navs & job interviews.

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Marksmen, Jurassic Park & archery.

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Butchers, Bahamas & alsatians. 

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Printers, ballet & Scrabble.

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Roadies, poets & darts.

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Speed dial, Michael Caine & laptops.

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Handcuffs, magnesium and owls.

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Condensation, motorbikes & Scarborough Sealife Centre.

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Crisps, Ikea & shrapnel.

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DIY, one to watch & vodka.

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Window cleaners, horse racing & hearing aids.

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Hamlet, NASA & Canoeing. 

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Bobsleds, voodoo dolls and static electricity.

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CCTV, moisturiser and protein powder.

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Potholing, shadow boxing and Spandau Ballet.

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Mafia, tables and rice.

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Philosophy, science & guillotines. 

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Butterflies, swimming & mushrooms.

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Patronising, castles & sacrifices.

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North Korea, Christian food & Countdown.

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Fortune tellers, puzzles & breakfast in bed.

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Magicians, lizards & taxi drivers.

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Fruit machines, waiting rooms & surgery. 

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Taxidermy, chewing gum & carpentry. 

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Home improvements, time travel & Matt Damon.

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Yoga, Aladdin & dinosaurs. 

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Mathematician, spring water & flat earthers. 

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Teachers, anagrams & Jules Verne.

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Biscuits, paranoia & waltzing.

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Crosswords, a weatherman & archeology .

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Anger management, MRIs & blood transfusions.

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Eclairs, chocolate bars & Cliff Richard.

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Dogs, dipsticks & chess.

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Busses, skiing & Meat Loaf.