Life Archives - Clarity on Fire

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There are a fair number of things in life that we have some degree of control over.

If you want to lose weight, you could follow a nutrition plan and work with a personal trainer. It might take time, but with consistent effort you would be guaranteed to see changes.

Or maybe you decide to go back to grad school, but you’ve got to take the GRE first. So you buy the prep books, enroll in a class, and take practice exams until you feel positive that you’ll ace the test.

And if you feel the urge to up and move to Colorado, you could save money, hire movers, rent an apartment, and haul yourself across the country. No need to wait on anything or anyone to make that happen.

But there are just as many things that we have no control over — things that matter to us a whole lot that we can’t guarantee or force to happen at all.

Like …

Finding a dream job. Meeting your life partner. Having your business take off.

It’s waiting for these things — the things we can never guarantee, that could potentially never happen — that drives us nuts.

While we’re waiting, it’s SO easy to start wondering:

“What am I doing wrong?” and “Is there something about ME that’s making this not happen?” and “What if this just isn’t in the cards for me?”

Cue instant depression, hopelessness, and malaise.

PASSIVE WAITING TOTALLY SUCKS When we’re passively waiting, we feel completely at the effect of the world.

No control, no choice, no power. We’re at the mercy of whomever, or whatever, to deign to grant us what we want.

And let’s face it: humans are really bad at feeling out of control.

When we feel powerless, we get grouchy and lethargic and stuck. We start looking around at what we do have and feeling resentful of it. Passively waiting brings out the worst in us, in that way.

Personally, when I was waiting around for my business to take off, every day I’d wake up and think, “Oh look, another day of not being successful. Yet another day that PROVES nothing has changed.”

That’s what’s so insidious about waiting around … you start to see the lack of what you want everywhere.

Day by day, your mood grows worse and worse because each day that you don’t have what you want is just more evidence that you won’t get it.

WHAT YOU WANT IS NOW ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL THAN YOU And of course, that’s the irony of it all:

Because you’ve done such a good job of “proving” to yourself that it’s not coming, you make it SO much harder for that thing to actually show up.

Think about your mood as a radio tower. When you’re broadcasting Grouchy, Depressed, & Hopeless FM you’re ONLY going to see, hear, and attract things that are on the same frequency as you.

Which means that positively anything — clues, signs, opportunities, people — related to what you want can’t reach you because they’re not on your station.

They happen to be playing on Jazzed and Fulfilled and Passionate FM … and you can’t exactly listen to two stations at the same time. You feel me on that?

LET’S CHANGE THE STATION, WHY DON’T WE? Passively waiting sends us spiraling into a funk because it lacks purpose. It feels pointless, like we’re wasting time and spinning our wheels.

Which is why the best way to wait — and to move ourselves up to that higher frequency station — is to wait actively.

The biggest difference between passive and active waiting is this:

Instead of skeptically doubting whether what you want will ever show up, you assume that what you want is inevitably coming, and you start preparing accordingly.

WHAT ACTIVE WAITING LOOKS LIKE I have a friend who’s been waiting to see money and clients consistently flow in to her business. It’s happened, but more so in fits and starts.

The other day she told me that she’d finally got her LLC paperwork sorted out and established a real business bank account.

And that same week, within 24 hours of each other, she got two new clients who are really eager to start working with her ASAP.

She could have complained that what she wanted wasn’t coming … but instead, she got serious about her business being a solid landing place for clients to arrive, and then they did.

I know a woman in her 30’s who’s enthusiastic about the prospect of getting married and starting a family. But she’s single, and she doesn’t want to rush into a relationship — or marriage, or pregnancy, for that matter — and be one of those women who settles because she feels victim to her biological clock.

She’s also not interested in online dating … so what’s a girl to do?

Well, she went and hired a personal trainer at the gym. (Wait, say what?)

To her, this makes perfect sense because: A) She’s interested in being part of a physically active partnership, and B) She wants to be in great shape for chasing a future munchkin around.

A lot of people might call her crazy or overly wishful, but I LOVE her approach.

She’s focused on becoming the kind of person she wants to be when she has what she wants.

The fact that she’s not bemoaning what she doesn’t have is getting her WAY closer to actually having it.

Stop lamenting that what you want isn’t here yet & start preparing for its inevitable arrival.

HOW CAN YOU START ACTIVELY WAITING? If your dream job were to land in your lap tomorrow, is your résumé the kind you’d want your ideal employer to see?

If you want a spouse to share your home, do they have enough space in your closet for their stuff? Or do you maybe need to get rid of some junk?

If you were randomly offered a trip to Europe, could you go next week? Or would your passport be out of date?

If you want more money, how well are you taking care of the money you already have?

Once you start actively waiting, you’re naturally going to lift up to that higher, jazzy frequency.

You infuse hope, excitement, and expectation into a subject that’s typically made you feel completely powerless.

And that newfound sense of purpose you’ll feel? That’s what will get you through the waiting.

I’d love to hear, in the comments, how you can start preparing for the inevitable arrival of what you want.

Much Love,

Rachel (& Kristen)

P.S. This blog was inspired by a post by Danielle LaPorte called The Principles of Active Waiting vs. feeling-like-a-loser, losing-your-mind kind of waiting. I totally recommend you read it! She’s one of the few people I read religiously, without fail.

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A client of mine, Jack, has been entrepreneurially minded for his whole life.

He’s an idea machine, and he’s constantly coming up with cool business ideas. He can’t help it — it’s just how his brain works.

Naturally, he’ll get excited about a new idea and want to share it with people. As soon as inspiration hits (which is frequently), he’ll text his brother or call his mom or tell the coworker on the other side of his cube.

Their reactions aren’t always what he’d hoped for. In fact, they’re usually pretty discouraging. They’ll ask a million questions about how it will work — questions he can’t yet answer, since he’s still working out the idea in his mind — or they’ll jump to all the reasons why it’s risky or impractical or straight-up impossible.

Usually, after these deflating conversations, Jack will feel less enthusiastic about the idea, and often he’ll end up abandoning it altogether.

When Jack came to coaching, he told me he was afraid he’s all ideas and no action. He was feeling like maybe he wasn’t cut out to be an entrepreneur after all, since he couldn’t seem to stick with an idea and make it a reality.

“Your problem isn’t that you have too many ideas, or you’re flaky, or you lack follow-through, or anything like that,” I told him. “Your problem is just that you share your ideas too soon, and with the wrong people.”

NEW IDEAS ARE LIKE A FLICKERING CANDLE Think of any new idea or inspiration you have as a small spark. I like to imagine them as a singular lit candle.

A candle flame is easy to extinguish. A gust of wind or breath of air can blow it out in an instant, and that’s that — no more fire.

The same is true of a brand-new idea. It’s fragile, vulnerable. A few pointed questions, a negative comment, or a judgmental eye-roll can be enough to squash the idea before it even had a shot.

Once a small spark grows into a bonfire, on the other hand, it’s much harder to put out. Blowing on it doesn’t make any difference. The wind actually makes it stronger. Even a bucket of water isn’t enough to quell it.

When you give your ideas time, energy, attention, and a safe space to grow — when you allow yourself to vision about them, do research, consider logistics, and get excited and motivated — then your candle flame starts turning into a bonfire.

If you share your idea before it’s a bonfire, however, you run the risk of having the spark stamped out before it ever had a chance to grow and flourish.

MOST PEOPLE HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS, BUT BAD ADVICE I don’t want you to think I’m implying that the people in your life are purposely trying to shut down your ideas. Most people don’t mean to be Debbie-downers, blowing out your candle the moment you light it.

They think they’re being helpful, pointing out concerns and asking about logistics and voicing any skepticism they may have. Their intention is usually a loving, protective one. They want to look out for you and make sure you’re making the “right” decision (based on their idea of what’s “right,” of course).

But they don’t realize that what they’re actually doing is shutting down possibilities and limiting you.

It’s up to you to recognize that your idea is still in its infancy stage and needs protecting, not questioning.

THEIR REACTION IS MORE ABOUT THEM THAN YOU Also keep in mind that, when other people have a strong reaction to your ideas, their response is nearly always about THEM, not YOU.

For example, when Jack shares his latest business idea with his mom, she tends to get anxious and ask a million questions and point out all the potential risks. That’s not because his idea is inherently anxiety-inducing or needlessly risky — it’s just because she places a strong value on stability, so any form of risk feels threatening to her.

Similarly, when Jack tells his brother about a new idea, he immediately voices all the reasons why it’s outlandish and won’t work. But that’s not because the idea is actually impractical. See, Jack’s brother has also always wanted to run his own business, but assumed he couldn’t make it work, and now he’s projecting that same fear onto Jack.

Their reactions have nothing to do with whether this idea is right for Jack, and everything to do with the fears and anxieties that the idea triggers within themselves.

Again, it’s not intentional! It’s a normal, unconscious human reaction. But it can choke the life out of a potentially great idea before it ever had a chance to see the light of day.

KEEP YOUR IDEAS TO YOURSELF AT FIRST That’s why I think it’s smart to keep your ideas to yourself for a little while, at least while they’re brand new and most vulnerable.

I get why you want to share new ideas. They’re exciting! And naturally you want to share that excitement with the people in your life.

But it can be equally exciting — and way more productive — to be an incubator for your ideas. Vision about them. Play with the possibilities. Go down the rabbit hole of research. Imagine your idea becoming a reality. Think through how you would get started.

In essence, create a safe space for your idea to grow. If it fizzles out on its own, no big deal. But if it grows and gets more exciting as you nurture it, your idea might just turn into a raging bonfire, at which point negative feedback will barely be able to touch it.

WHEN & HOW TO SHARE YOUR IDEAS WITH OTHERS First, give yourself time to sit with your idea. I recommend not sharing it with anyone else for at least 24 hours, so you can figure out how you feel about it before getting inundated with feedback from others. But you might need days or weeks or even longer to feel solid enough in your idea to voice it out-loud to someone else.

When you areready to share it, start with the safest people in your life. If you have a friend, family member, coworker, or even just an acquaintance who is slow to judgment and quick to offer support and encouragement, that’s the person you want to go to first with your new idea.

Keep in mind that often the people closest to you are not the safest people to share ideas with. It’s not because they don’t care about you — in fact, it’s often because they love you so much and they’re so intertwined with your life decisions that they can’t be objective. They’re much more likely to get emotionally triggered by your idea than a more casual acquaintance who isn’t personally affected by your decisions.

(Side note: The whole point of coaching is that it offers a safe, non-judgmental space for you to explore thoughts, ideas, and possibilities so you can figure out what you really want and start turning it into a reality.)

Wait to share your ideas with the most opinionated and/or highly reactive people in your life until your idea has reached bonfire-status, when it’s strong enough to withstand their reaction. An added benefit of waiting to tell these people is that, by the time you’re ready to share your idea with them, you’re confident and optimistic enough about it that you’ll present it in a way that is less likely to trigger their negativity or criticism.

So tell me — have you had the experience of sharing an idea too soon, with the wrong people, and having your candle flame burnt out? Leave a comment to let me know how this resonates with you!

Much Love,

Kristen (& Rachel)

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I feel like I need to offer a massive correction to all of the people, you included, I may have fooled over the years:

I’m not actually all that tough.

I know the resting bitch face (which is very handy in repelling unwanted small talk at the gym or grocery store) may have suggested otherwise. Or the fact that I’m blunt, loud, and opinionated. Or that I very clearly do not suffer fools.

The exterior may look tough, but the inside is plenty soft and sensitive.

And, like most of you, for a long time I thought that sensitivity equated to weakness. I thought the only way to get through hard times was to “tough it out.” Put my head down, plow through my problems, and take no mercy (on myself, most especially).

You may be surprised to hear me say that neither 2018 nor 2019 were great years, by a long shot. And while all the gory details don’t need to be put on display (yet — I’m positive it’s a story I’ll tell when I have more hindsight and perspective), I can tell you that, very much against my will, I became a MUCH stronger person (stronger, but not necessarily tougher).

Like most lessons you don’t ask for, this one taught me so much about the true nature of strength. And I have a suspicion that you probably need to hear, as much as I did, what real strength is and what it isn’t.

So, this one goes out to you — especially if you’re under the mistaken impression that you’re weak.

WHAT STRENGTH USED TO LOOK LIKE I’m guessing that your definition of “strength” is probably the more masculine one. It usually sounds something like:

Suck it up. Life is hard and unfair, and crying about it won’t make it any easier.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
If life knocks you down, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep fighting.
Don’t expose your vulnerability to people. It’ll be judged as weakness.
Put a smile on. Fake it ‘til you make it.
Complaining is only something weak people do.
Showing yourself compassion is another form of weakness. Beating yourself up is the only valid form of motivation.

To be clear, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with the masculine approach. (And by “masculine,” I don’t mean “male.” I’m referring to masculine energy — an inner state of being that’s inherently more forceful and rigid). There’s a time and place it, for sure. And if you happened to be legitimately wired in a masculine way, then having the more “tough” form of strength will come easy to you.

But because of the inherent cultural bias toward that type of strength, a lot of people (particularly us women) don’t feel like we’re “allowed” to explore what a different, more feminine approach to strength might look like.

Whether or not I wanted to, I got a front-row seat in 2018 to what it’s like to build emotional fortitude in a more feminine way. Because I certainly didn’t “tough it out,” but I did become strong.

WHAT STRENGTH LOOKS LIKE NOW So, here’s what I learned strength is not about.

It’s not about:

Being stoic. It’s allowing the rage and sadness and grief to flow unabated: upward and out of you, like you’re being purged of poison. (If you had food poisoning, would you try not to be sick? Or would you let it happen, as awful as it felt?)
Being sunny and optimistic all the time. You’re still strong even in your moments (or days, or weeks) of dark pessimism.
“Getting over” anything. It’s not about pretending or hiding from yourself or trying to deny how much it sucks that you’re in this situation. IT’S OK TO NOT BE OK.
Pushing through. It’s being brave enough to let the fear, grief, and rage take you down temporarily, trusting that it won’t last forever. Every feeling is a wave — it has a beginning, middle, and end.
Having to actively choose to be strong. God knows I certainly wouldn’t have elected to feel this way if I didn’t have to. You can become strong without wanting to, and while railing against it most of the time! It may be easier if you can sometimes find a sliver of meaning or purpose in the trial, but you’ll become stronger even without your express consent.

It’s pretty funny that women, most of whom identify as feminine-dominant when it comes to their innate energy, historically get labeled as “weak,” considering its women who exclusively endure the unimaginable pain and literal labor of bearing children. What could be tougher than that??

And if our bodies are designed to do that, then it’s clear our spirits are designed for great feats of strength, too. It just requires us to believe that the things that come most naturally to us — having unbounded feelings, being soft and vulnerable, having deep compassion and empathy — are just as powerful as any other kind of strength.

(And do I think it’s just women who could benefit from identifying with that kind of strength? Hell, no! It’d be great if all of us could integrate more of that. A lot of the behavior you’ve seen identified as “toxic masculinity” is what happens when there’s a dire lack of feminine energy.)

RESILIENT AF I’m convinced that the best way to become resilient — as in, someone who can weather storms and breathe through discomfort and keep the faith even in the darkest of times — is to let yourself be as emotional and vulnerable as you need to be.

Because when you let it be hard; when you don’t run away from the fear, the freak-outs, the tears, and the unknowns; when you let it plow right on through you, then you prove that you can do it again.

After a while, you start to say, “Well, here I am again. Crying on the floor. Still sucks as much as ever. But it hasn’t killed me yet. And I know how this goes by now.”

And always, though sometimes I’m annoyed about it and other times I’m profoundly grateful, the world just keeps on turning. Every time I’ve thought, “I can’t do this anymore!” I have, in fact, kept on going. The sun keeps coming up every day, and time keeps on passing, and what I swore I couldn’t bear for another day, I do, in fact, bear for another day.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I DID ALL YEAR Far and away the healthiest, most sane thing I ever did while I was in the midst of many an emotional breakdown last year was reach out to people.

A weird side effect of going through an emotional ringer is that you end up having this golden opportunity to spill your messy, unglorified guts to other humans and end up forging a tighter bond with them because of it.

Nothing builds connection like real vulnerability.

A lot of people witnessed me at my messiest and emotionally ugliest this year. And I’m better friends with each and every one of them because of it. And in turn, my sharing gave them permission to share their messy bits too. I think I can speak for them and myself when I say that we’re all stronger because of that give-and-take.

I don’t know who said it, but, “It’s good to be loved. It’s profound to be understood.”

I feel infinitely stronger, and saner, because a handful of empathetic humans truly understood where I was, and, here’s the most important bit: They didn’t try to change it.

You don’t have to fix or be fixed. Support isn’t about “fixing.” It’s just about witnessing and understanding and empathizing. If you can give and, in turn, receive that, then that will be enough to get you through.

So, here’s to being strong — messy, emotional, not-at-all-OK, about to break — and strong… not despite all of that, but because of it.

I would love to hear your reaction to this. Come share with me in the comments below.

Much Love,

Rachel (& Kristen)

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You know that uneasy feeling you get when you know you’re doing something that’s not good for you … but you keep doing it anyway?

Maybe you’re staying in a job or a relationship that isn’t really working, or you keep making excuses for why you don’t have time to go to the gym. Whatever’s causing you to be out-of-alignment, it gives you that awful, knot-in-your-stomach, uncomfortable-in-your-own-skin, shifty kind of feeling.

I’ve been feeling that way a bit lately.

As a coach who’s trained to intuitively pick up on these inconsistencies in other people, it’s particularly uncomfortable to get this feeling myself. I realized I haven’t been the best at walking my own talk in one major way the past few months, so I’m outing myself in the name of getting back on track.

I’m forever telling my clients to pay less attention to what they don’t want, and to focus more on what they do want. In other words, stop complaining about what’s not working and start noticing and appreciating what is working.

Why? Because what you pay attention to has a huge impact on what you experience.

When I follow my own advice about this, my life starts to feel different — better, easier, lighter, more fun — almost immediately.

But I’m only human, which means sometimes I’m going to slip back into old bad habits. And lately, I’ve found myself giving more of my attention than usual to the things I don’t want.

I’ve been more annoyed about traffic.
I’ve fallen into the trap of pointlessly arguing about politics.
I’ve let my worries take me into a mental downward spiral.
I’ve had the recurring thought, “Why does this have to be so hard?”
I’ve complained about the weather, my busy schedule, the healthcare industry, the state of our country (and the world at large), and on and on.

I’ll catch myself in the act of doing one of these things, and yet I can’t always seem to stop myself. Once you start complaining or arguing about one thing, you tend to find more and more things to complain and argue about … and it’s tough to stop that momentum once it’s going.

Every time I do it, though, I get that awful out-of-alignment feeling in my gut because I know this isn’t me. So I’ve been consciously working on following my own advice more lately, and I have to say … it’s making all the difference.

THE LUCKY LOG I was coaching a client a few months back named Natalia, and in one of our sessions, she expressed how badly she wanted to start her own business. She excitedly told me about all of the entrepreneurial ideas she had.

After a while, however, she stopped herself. “I don’t think any of them will work, though. I’m just really unlucky, so whenever something starts to go my way, something usually happens and screws it all up,” she said.

When I asked her what made her think she was so unlucky, she immediately listed off example after example of how things never work out for her. Then when I asked her to give me some examples of times when she did feel lucky and when things did go her way … the phone got very quiet.

So I issued her a homework assignment. For one week, she had to keep a “Lucky Log” — a running list of any “lucky” experience, no matter how minor, that made her feel like things were working out in her favor.

In our next session, she told me the first few days of the challenge were really hard. It felt like she had nothing to add to her list. But as the week went on, it got easier for her to collect more and more evidence that things actually work out well for her quite often.

She was amazed. “I never noticed these things before!” she told me excitedly. “I’ve been feeling so lucky and grateful this week. The weird thing is, nothing has actually changed! I’m just seeing things differently.”

IT JUST TAKES A SHIFT OF ATTENTION Focusing on what you don’t want not only doesn’t feel good, it actually rewires your brain to keep paying more and more attention to negative things. It’s like you start collecting “proof” that all of your negative beliefs — about yourself, your job, other people, the world — are true, and you become blind to experiences that go against those beliefs.

It’s human nature to want to be right, so you’ll unconsciously collect evidence that your beliefs are true … even if you don’t actually want them to be true!

If you believe that no one in your industry gets paid well, you’ll become hyper-aware of anyone in your line of work complaining about not having enough money.

If you believe that there are no good men/women out there, you’ll feel validated in that belief every time you go on a bad date or hear about a friend’s breakup.

If you believe you’re not good at your job, you’ll take every bit of constructive feedback or instruction as proof that you don’t know what you’re doing.

Sure, you could continue to believe these things and keep collecting evidence that they’re “true,” but how does that serve you?

The truth is, you can collect evidence to support any belief you want. So if these beliefs are making you feel miserable and attracting more miserable things into your life, then why keep building a case for them?

What if, instead of collecting proof of what you don’t want, you started collecting proof of what you do want to be true? What if you tried your own version of Natalia’s “Lucky Log”?

BUILDING A CASE FOR WHAT YOU WANT Think of yourself like an attorney, preparing for a big court case. Your goal is to collect as much evidence as possible so that you can present the best, most solid case for what you want to believe.

For example, I personally want to start collecting proof that…

Life is working out in my favor.
My body is fantastic at healing itself.
I easily magnetize awesome people and experiences into my life.
Good things happen to me all the time.
There is beauty all around me.
I bounce back from challenges quickly and easily.
People are generally kind and friendly.
I attract abundance everywhere I go.

Imagine if you decided to collect evidence that these beliefs were true, instead of the ones you’ve been (consciously or unconsciously) trying to prove.

You’d find a whole lot less to complain about, that’s for sure. And you’d also attract more and more things into your life to feel appreciative of.

You can’t be complaining AND feel appreciation at the same time. Choose one.

A CHALLENGE In order to jumpstart me back into appreciation mode, I’m issuing myself the following challenge: For one week, starting today, I’m going to …

Give up complaining entirely. Not a single complaint allowed for a solid week!
Start a written list where I collect proof of my new-and-improved list of beliefs, and feel appreciation for each example as I add it to the list.

I think it would be awesome for a bunch of us to take on this challenge together over the next week. If you’re willing to do this with me, leave me a comment to let me know you’re in!

Much Love,

Kristen (& Rachel)

IF YOU LIKED THIS, YOU’LL ALSO LOVE… Blog: How much joy are you letting go to waste? (May 2018)

Blog: The most efficient, productive, mood-enhancing thing ever (July 2018)

Side Chat: A tough love smackdown (August 2018)

Blog: How to feel more energized at work (& generally in life) (December 2019)

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I tend to get wrapped up in my own thoughts. A lot.

As in, I’ve gone on solo road trips and not even turned the radio on for hours. I’m very comfortable with silence.

Because of this, I’ve heard the same kinds of comments from people close to me for my whole life:

“You got really quiet all of a sudden. What’s going on?”

Or, “You have to tell me how you’re feeling — I can’t read your mind!”

Or, usually in an argument, “Are you even hearing me? Say something already!”

The strange thing is, anyone who knows me well will tell you that I can be chatty. I used to bring report cards home from school with all A’s and a little X-mark that said, “Talks to her friends too much in class.”

And if you’ve ever listened to our podcast, I think it’s pretty clear that talking — sometimes ad nauseam — about something I care deeply about is certainly not an issue of mine!

So what’s going on? Why is it that I can be so talkative sometimes, and so quiet and pensive other times?

It took me a long time to figure this out (and a lot of seeing similar patterns in people I coach), but it turns out it has everything to do with how I process thoughts, feelings, and information.

Most people in my life — my closest friends, and most of my family members, too — are external processors. Me, on the other hand? I’m an internal processor.

HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE AN INTERNAL PROCESSOR Internal processing means that, when you have a lot on your mind — maybe you have a big decision to make, or you’re having a strong emotional reaction, or you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything going on in your life — you’re more likely to turn inward, into your own mind and emotions, rather than outward to the people in your life, to get clarity.

Here are some telltale signs to help you determine if you’re an internal processor, like me:

You’ve been called “quiet” throughout your life.
You tend to listen more than you talk.
You crave alone time to be with your thoughts.
When you’re trying to sort out your thoughts/feelings, you’re more likely to turn to meditation or your journal rather than call a friend.
You sometimes have trouble putting your thoughts into clear words in the middle of a conversation, especially in an argument when emotions are running high.
You’re more likely to share how you feel about something with others only once you’ve had plenty of time to think about it on your own.
You’ll often think of all the great things you should have said later, after the conversation is over.
You HATE being asked to talk about something on the fly — you do much better when you have time to prepare in advance.

HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND IF YOU’RE AN INTERNAL PROCESSOR: * Start a journal. If you don’t already have a journal or some kind of writing practice, I highly recommend you start one. Writing is one of the best ways for internal processors to organize their overwhelming jumble of thoughts and feelings and get clarity. * Do something meditative. When you’re trying to process so much all the time, it can help to have meditative practices to calm your overactive mind. You could just straight-up meditate, or you could do a moving meditation like yoga or taking a walk in nature. Anything that feels soothing and calms your mind counts here. * As often as possible, organize your thoughts ahead of time. Whether it’s before a presentation at work or an important conversation with your partner, figuring out what you want to say in advance will allow you to get your message across clearly and confidently.

HOW TO BEST COMMUNICATE WITH OTHERS WHEN YOU’RE AN INTERNAL PROCESSOR * Let people in your life know that you’re an internal processor. Most miscommunications happen simply because we don’t understand how someone is different from us. So if you can clue your friends, family, and coworkers in on the fact that you’re an internal processor, they’re less likely to take your silence personally and press you to talk before you’re ready. * Ask for time to think. Give yourself time to figure out how you really feel about something before opening up to people in your life. And if you need processing time before responding to someone, ask for it! It’s as simple as saying, “This is really important to me, and I’d like a few hours to gather my thoughts and get back to you.” * It’s OK to share your thoughts in writing. If you tend to have trouble articulating your thoughts/feelings the way you want to out loud, you’re allowed to gather your thoughts in writing and then send a note or email. A client of mine starts all important conversations with her husband in writing before they discuss out loud, so she has time to sort out her feelings and express everything she’s thinking as clearly as possible. She said that, while it sometimes feels silly, it works and they feel more connected than ever!

HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE AN EXTERNAL PROCESSOR External processing, on the other hand, means that in order to understand how you feel about something, you prefer to talk it out with someone else — or even yourself! When you try to organize your thoughts in your mind, it feels like one big jumble; however, when you can talk it out, everything tends to get much clearer.

Here are some telltale signs to help you determine if you’re an external processor:

You have a hard time keeping your thoughts and feelings inside, especially when you’re stressed or overwhelmed.
People in your life generally know how you feel about most things.
When you’re trying to sort out your thoughts/feelings, you’re most likely to call up a friend to talk through it.
You love brainstorming sessions because you get to talk through ideas, which always brings you more clarity.
When you have a lot on your mind, you feel frustrated when you don’t have someone to talk it out with.
Sometimes you find yourself talking out loud, even when no one is there.
You often don’t know how you feel until you say it aloud.
You get frustrated when someone tries to offer solutions before you’re done talking through how you feel about something.

HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND IF YOU’RE AN EXTERNAL PROCESSOR: * Have a few trusted confidants. It’s helpful to have a few people who you can call when you need a listening ear. Make sure to choose people who are good listeners and tend to ask thoughtful questions, instead of people who want to skip to the “bottom line” before you’re ready. * Record yourself. Rachel is an external processor, and when she has a lot on her mind and no one to talk to in that moment, she’ll sometimes record herself talking through her thoughts. She says it’s super helpful! * Writing works well for you, too. Writing works great for external processors, too, because it allows you to get your thoughts out of your head and on paper.

HOW TO BEST COMMUNICATE WITH OTHERS WHEN YOU’RE AN EXTERNAL PROCESSOR * Ask for people to listen without jumping into “fix it” mode. External processors need to organize their thoughts out loud before considering what to do about it. Remind the other person that you’re not necessarily looking for solutions, just someone to vent to. * When you’re in processing mode, make it clear that you may not be sure yet about how you’re feeling. The point of talking things out is that you’re getting clear on what’s true for you, so it helps if the other person can let your thoughts flow freely without attaching deeper significance to any of them too soon, before you’re sure of how you feel. * Ask for open-mindedness. If an external processor feels like the other person is being judgmental or critical, they won’t feel comfortable being as open as they need to be to get to the bottom of how they’re feeling. So make sure the person you’re confiding in is capable of holding a safe space for you to speak candidly.

COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS There are so many misconceptions about internal and external processors that cause people to reject their own internal wiring, so I want to clear a few things up.

First of all, there’s no such thing as an “ideal” processing style — one is not better than the other. They’re simply different, and both have their benefits and challenges.

Also, internal vs. external processing is not the same as introversion vs. extroversion, although there may be some overlap. On the surface, it may seem like introverts are internal processors and extroverts are external processors, but that’s not always true. Introversion/Extroversion has more to do with where you get energy (alone or from others), while your processing style is about how you understand your inner world, as well as the world around you.

Lastly, being an external processor doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re loud or opinionated or super confident. Just because you’re sharing your thoughts out loud, doesn’t mean you’re totally sure of everything you’re saying. In fact, you might be talking something out precisely because you’re still uncertain about how you feel.

Just like being an internal processor doesn’t mean that you’re quiet, not opinionated, or slow. It just means you need space and alone time to get clear on how you’re feeling and what you need to do, and once you figure it out you might become very opinionated and talkative.

WHAT’S YOUR PROCESSING STYLE? So tell me, which kind of processor are you? What are some ways you’ve found to work with your processing style, instead of against it? Share with me, in the comments!

Much Love,

Kristen (& Rachel)

IF YOU LIKED THIS, YOU’LL ALSO LOVE… Are you a tortoise or a hare? (October 2019)

How to tell, once and for all, if you’re an introvert or an extrovert (February 2019)

Exploring the 16 personality types with Leslie McDaniel (August 2018)

Emotional constipation with Joanna Platt (April 2018)

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A while back, I was catching up with one of my very first clients-turned-friends. (Random aside … this is one of the things I love about coaching. You get to connect with really cool people who often end up becoming lifelong buddies.)

In our conversation she mentioned that an off-the-cuff (and definitely not super serious) analogy I’d made had actually really helped her to see life differently. So much so that she still thinks about it to this day.

This story involves references to horses and aliens, so don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

THE BACKSTORY Rae, my friend and former client, originally came to me for some relationship coaching. Even though you’d think that talking about relationships is completely different than coaching around your career or passion in life … it’s really not.

You take your beliefs, triggers, and deep fears with you everywhere you go and into anything that you do. What prevents someone from having a healthy relationship is often the exact thing that’s getting in the way of having an awesome career.

Anyway, Rae was struggling to let go of something (particularly, a relationship with a guy) that was no longer healthy for her. I’m sure you can relate, in one way or another — you know intellectually that you’d be better off moving on (from the relationship, the friendship, the job, whatever) — but you still feel tied to it because it’s all you know.

SO I SENT HER THIS EMAIL TO HELP HER SEE THINGS DIFFERENTLY “Right now, imagine that you’re living in this analogy: It’s 1870, or something, and someone from the future beams down to you, in your horse & buggy, and tells you about the future. About cars and planes and the Internet and everything that will inevitably happen, and it seems so fantastical and crazy, because all you really know is The Pony Express and your horse and buggy and writing letters.

Being able to speak to someone in China … to see their face as you speak to them? Or voyaging across an entire ocean in nine hours? How could it be? But now that you know, your whole world changes. Everything you knew to be true, up until this moment, seems so small in comparison.

A minute ago, your horse and buggy and your letters and your simple way of life was All There Was. Now, your paradigm is but a fraction of All There Really Is. Can you imagine what it would be like to find out that something that took up SO much of your belief turned out to be but a teeny, tiny percent of what’s possible? It’s like finding out the Earth, which you thought was all there was, was part of The Universe. It’s mind-blowing.

It reminds me of that awesome quote from Men in Black (look at me, with my 90’s pop culture references): ‘Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you’ll know tomorrow.”

Which brings me back to you. This relationship is your version of “the horse and buggy” or “The Earth is the center of the Universe.” Well, I’m from the future, and I’m here to tell you that technology is going to happen, that the Earth is a teeny tiny speck in a vast Universe, and that what you “*know“ about how you feel about this guy will ultimately pale in comparison to how you feel about someone else.”*

I didn’t anticipate it, but “the horse & buggy analogy” quickly became a thing. To this day, Rae still refers to massive breakthroughs and shifts in perception as “horse & buggy stuff.”

WHAT’S YOUR VERSION OF “THE HORSE & BUGGY?” Looking back to the past, it’s easy to think of our predecessors as “quaint” and “outdated” for the way they lived, the things they believed, and everything they didn’t yet know.

But the truth is, we’re not that different from those people.

Humans haven’t changed that much in our basic programming … we still tend to get indoctrinated with beliefs, and we tend to hold on to those beliefs unless directly asked to question them.

In fact, every single one of us, regardless of when or where we were born, has some sort of worldview that’s limiting us and that, if you were able to see in hindsight, you’d think was pretty “outdated,” too.

What is it that you think you “know” about life?

Do you “know” that you’ll never be able to find a job that you love?

Do you “know” that you’re probably just going to be alone forever?

Do you “know” that money is difficult to come by?

Do you “know” that people are generally awful and will always disappoint you?

Do you “know” that cancer runs in your family, so you’re bound to get it?

Do you “know” that you’ve got to get a Master’s Degree to have a decent career?

Because if that’s the kind of stuff that you’re dead-set on “knowing,” you’ll probably keep right on knowing it. If nothing else, we humans tend to be pretty stubborn about being “right” in our beliefs, even despite evidence to the contrary.

BUT WHAT IF YOU WERE WILLING TO KNOW SOMETHING ELSE? Rae thought she “knew” that her ex-boyfriend was right for her. And a couple short months after reading that email, she knew she’d been dead wrong about that.

I’ve seen people go from “knowing” every one of those items listed above to deeply knowing something better and truer.

And the only thing it takes to expand your awareness from narrow (AKA, being in your “horse & buggy”) to unlimited (AKA, having your mind blown by what’s really possible) is your willingness to question what you believe.

Seriously, that’s it.

If you never question what you “know” to be true, you’ll never discover everything that’s possible.

The people who stay stuck are always the ones who would rather clutch on to outdated, narrow-minded beliefs than risk letting go and exploring what else is possible. They’d rather be “right” than be happy.

The ones who make strides in life are the ones who weren’t afraid to question what they thought they knew.

They weren’t afraid to admit to their narrow-mindedness. They didn’t care all that much about being part of the crowd. They’d rather be flexible about how they see the world, and make progress, than be inflexible and rigidly stuck in one place.

If Rae had continued to “know” that her ex-boyfriend was all there was, she’d still be in a miserable relationship. If I had “known” that building a business is impossible, you wouldn’t be reading this. (And if Will Smith hadn’t stopped “knowing” that aliens didn’t exist … he never would have joined the M.I.B. And wouldn’t that have been a travesty?)

So ask yourself … “What if that wasn’t true? What if this isn’t all there is? What if what I think is possible pales in comparison to what’s really possible? … What then?”

When you’re willing to believe something more than what you “know” right now, you open up the space for anything to happen. And how cool is that?

What do you think of the horse & buggy analogy? I’d love to hear, in the comments.

Much Love,

Rachel (& Kristen)

LAST DAY FOR 1-ON-1 COACHING ENROLLMENT! Today, Tuesday, June 30th, is the LAST day to consider signing up for 1:1 coaching!

A few pointers to keep in mind:

We’re taking on about 15, max 20 people in this new wave.
This is for people interested in getting started ASAP (within the next 4-6 weeks).
You don’t have to know for sure that you want to move ahead with coaching. You just have to be serious enough about it to want to have a conversation.
Our last coaching enrollment of the year will probably be in October. If you’re not ready now, or you’ve found us in-between “official” enrollment periods, then you can add your name to the wait list, and we’ll contact you if and when we have an availability.

If you’re ready to talk about the possibility of coaching, fill out the form on this page and we’ll schedule a brief call with you!

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE E-BOOK! This blog is one of the featured pieces in our free e-book: What is the POINT? A jolt of hope and practical advice for anyone going through an existential crisis.

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Life is hard. We know this now, maybe more than ever.

And we all know that getting what you want isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes you’ve got to do crap you don’t want to do because it’s good for you and it helps you get to the good stuff in life.

So, if we’re struggling to commit to something difficult, does that mean we’re copping out? Shouldn’t we just suck it up and get on with it, because yeah, life is hard but we’re resilient and capable of doing hard things?

Maybe. But also … maybe not.

On this brand-new side chat, we’re teasing apart the difference between copping out and letting yourself off the hook. We talked about…

A thing Rachel was for sure copping out about, and another thing that she’s still struggling to figure out.
A thing Kristen thought she was copping out about, but realized she needed to let herself off the hook for.
The signs and indicators that you need to let yourself off the hook, vs. when you need to be an adult and just do the thing.

After you’ve listened, leave us a comment below to share something you’ve been struggling to commit to, and whether you think you’ve been copping out or if you should maybe give yourself a break.

CLARITY IN A TIME OF PANDEMIC If we can help you find some relief, clarity, and direction right now, then that will feel like a win! So, for the next 6-8 weeks we’re offering some unprecedented things to meet the unprecedented times:

Get a single coaching session with one of us! We normally only offer one-off sessions to former clients, but we’re now opening this option up to everyone.

Get both the PPSC and a single coaching session as a bundle! When you check out for either the PPSC or a single session, add the other to your cart as an upgrade. It’s $125 for the PPSC, $150 for a single session, or $225 for the bundle!

LISTEN TO THESE EPISODES NEXT Side Chat: How to stop procrastinating (January 2019)

Refuse to choose with Rachel Lowe (April 2020)

Bonus Book Club! The Wisdom of the Enneagram (Part 1) (August 2019)

Bonus Book Club! The Wisdom of the Enneagram (Part 2) (August 2019)

Side Chat: Enneagram Soul Child Theory (February 2020)

How to use personality tests to change your life (March 2020)

GET TEXTS FROM CLARITY ON FIRE! Want to get weekly texts from us? Sign up here, OR … text your first name followed by your email address (Example: Hermione hgranger@hogwarts.edu) to 703-783-3223.

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As an introvert who’s also a recovering people pleaser, it still gives me a small thrill of rebelliousness to say no to things.

That’s probably because in years past, I used to be a total yes girl.

Before I’d fully accepted my more introverted nature (meaning I need a LOT of downtime and spaciousness, and I quickly get overwhelmed with too many plans), I was always overcommitting myself.

And before I’d gotten my people-pleasing ways (mostly) in check, my fear of disappointing people was intense. So without thinking, I’d automatically say yes to work projects, social invitations, favors, and requests of all kinds.

Cue the burnout and resentment.

Now I’m much more selective about what I say yes to. And to make sure I don’t slip back into old bad habits, I’ve come up with 7 questions to ask myself before saying yes to anything to make sure I’m doing it for the right reasons.

1. Does this align with my values? Before you can answer this question, you first have to identify some of your top values. For example, some of mine are freedom, simplicity, connectedness, ease, and health/wellness. Anything that runs counter to my top values is an automatic no.

If you’re having trouble figuring out what your values are, a good place to start is to look back to your Passion Profile Quiz result PDF (or retake the quiz if you didn’t save the PDF) — on page 3 there’s a section called “Things you’re attracted to” that’s essentially a list of values. It’ll give you a good list to start with, and you can always edit/add to it as you go.

2. What does my gut say? Every single one of us has an intuitive voice that’s constantly communicating with us, trying to lead us in the right direction. The trouble is that most of us ignore or disregard our gut feelings in favor of logic and practicality.

Your intuition, however, is FAR wiser than your mind because it’s picking up on all kinds of subtle clues that you’re not even consciously aware of. So when you get a strong gut feeling that something is right (or very, very wrong), do yourself a favor and listen.

If you’re baffled as to how to start listening to your intuition, start by paying closer attention to your body and the way it responds to people, environments, and invitations. There’s a reason they call intuitive hits “gut feelings” — because a lot of people experience an actual physical sensation (a sense of “knowing” or attraction/repulsion) in their gut.

So when you’re considering saying yes to something, check in with your intuition — does the prospect of doing this thing feel light and airy and exciting … or like a heavy brick in your stomach? Your gut will never steer you wrong!

3. What’s my intention for saying yes (or no) to this? Intentions tend to come from one of two places: genuine or fear-based.

A genuine intention is one that’s based in positivity and authenticity. Once a year or so, I like to spend a weekend volunteering to help out with a new group of students going through the coach training program I graduated from. My intention for that is genuine: to connect with a roomful of new coaches and refresh some of my own coaching skills along the way. I always look forward to those weekends.

A fear-based intention feels very different. It looks more like, “I took on a new project at work because I don’t want to seem lazy” or “I RSVP’d yes to an out-of-town baby shower because I’d feel guilty saying no” or “I don’t have energy for this event, but my FOMO is strong.” It’s trying to avoid a bad outcome, instead of pursuing a good one.

Bottom line: Make sure your intention is good, not fear-based before saying yes to anything.

4. What’s the opportunity here? When you’re considering saying yes to an event, a project, a new job, etc., it’s easy to get bogged down by all of the logistics and effort it will take to make it happen. The overwhelm or fear of change might be enough for you to shut down a potentially great option prematurely.

So it helps to shift your perspective to look for the opportunity. Will this event give you the opportunity to connect with likeminded people? Will this project allow you to learn something new? Will this new job open you up to more growth potential?

Looking for the opportunity in the situation can help connect you to the deeper reason why you want to say yes to this.

On the flip side, if you’re struggling to come up with a good answer to this question, that might be a sign that there’s not a whole lot of opportunity here and it’s just not worth it.

5. Is this a 9 or 10? Anytime you’re considering saying yes to anything, I want you to pause and rank the opportunity on a 1-10 scale. On this scale, 1 = Hard No (as in, I have zero interest in this) and 10 = Hell Yes (as in, this sounds amazing and totally up my alley).

Now comes the part that’s easy to say and hard to do: Only say yes to the 9s and 10s.

Most people settle for the 7s and 8s in life, and then wonder why they feel less-than-satisfied.

It takes a lot of courage to say no to a 7 or 8 opportunity — one that’s good and has more pros than cons, but somehow doesn’t feel quite right. The fearful part of your brain will start to freak out and think, “But what if this is the best I can hope for?”

But I’ll tell you, the people who push past that fear and hold out for the 9s and 10s? Their lives are anything but ordinary.

6. What would I do if I knew that no one would be disappointed either way? OK, honesty time: How many times have you said yes to something because you didn’t want to disappoint a friend, colleague, or family member … and then kicked yourself later because you really didn’t have the time or energy or desire for it?

It seems like avoiding disappointing others at all costs is the kind thing to do, but you can quickly end up being unkind to yourself. Saying yes to everything because you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings is a fast road to burnout and resentment. And it’s actually counterproductive to maintaining healthy relationships, because resentment only ever makes you feel less connected to the people in your life.

The best way to get clear on what you really want, regardless of other people’s reactions, is to imagine what you would do if no one ever found out what decision you made. If you could choose in total secrecy, what would you do?

7. How much time and energy will this require? And is it worth that expense? Sometimes you would absolutely love to say to something, for all the right reasons, but doing so would mean seriously overcommitting yourself.

So once you’ve checked in with your values, intentions, and all of the other internal factors, you’ve got to ask yourself, “Is this the right time for me to do this? Do I have the time and energy to devote to this right now?”

For example, Rachel and I have thought many times about writing a book. As someone who’s dreamed of being a published author since I was 5 years old, I really want to do this. But writing, editing, publishing, and promoting a book is a HUGE effort, and so far it hasn’t been enough of a priority to warrant that much time and energy. At some point, though, I’m sure that will change, and then my “not now” will become a big, fat “YES.”

HOW DOES THIS APPLY TO YOU? So now I’d love to hear how this is relevant for you right now. What’s something you’re debating about saying yes to? How do you feel after considering your answers to these questions? Do you have any questions you want to add to this list? Share with me, in the comments below!

Much Love,

Kristen (& Rachel)

IF YOU LIKED THIS, THEN YOU’LL ALSO LOVE… How to get out of Analysis Paralysis (October 2019)

When is it worth getting out of your comfort zone? (September 2018)

Side Chat: Honing your intuition (& knowing when it’s really fear) (June 2019)

How to know when it’s time to quit (a job, or anything else) (Mary 2019)

GET TEXTS FROM CLARITY ON FIRE! Want to get weekly texts from us? Sign up here, OR … text your first name followed by your email address (Example: Hermione hgranger@hogwarts.edu) to 703-783-3223.

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“I think I’m bad at joy,” said my client Laura at the start of our last coaching call.

She went on to tell me about a mini road trip she and her boyfriend took over the weekend. There was a moment in the car when everything felt right in the world — the sun was shining, the windows were down, her favorite music was blasting, and her boyfriend smiled over at her and put his arm around the back of her seat.

“I literally thought my heart was going to burst, I was so blissed out in that moment,” she said.

But it didn’t last long. Almost immediately, Laura’s mind started to freak out:

“I really shouldn’t have taken this trip. My boss is already annoyed that I took a whole week off earlier this month, and now I’m taking another long weekend?? Ugh, going back to work on Tuesday is going to be fun… And I probably should’ve put the money I spent on this trip toward my student loans. I’m going to be paying those off forever. Maybe I should get a second job. Or a higher paying job. But what kind of job? Do I need a second degree to get a better paying job? But that would mean MORE student loans. And what if I don’t even like that job? I’m never going to figure this out…”

Within 30 seconds, Laura’s joy had evaporated.

She asked me, “What happened? I was so happy, and then I just … wasn’t. It was like all of these crazy anxious thoughts took over my brain. What’s wrong with me?”

There’s nothing wrong with Laura. She just has the same impulse that most people I know have — to rein in her joy.

YOUR IMPULSE WILL BE TO RESTRAIN YOUR JOY As much as we’re all seeking happiness, we can get freaked out once we actually feel it.

Why? Because too much joy feels either …

… inappropriate (it’s awkward to be the one laughing until you cry at a work party),

… or dangerous (watch out, all of this happiness could come crashing down at any moment!),

… or naïve (how can you be happy when there’s so much negativity in the world?),

… or unproductive (no time to celebrate — onto the next milestone!).

So you’ll be tempted to restrain your joy. You’ll allow yourself to experience only so much of it, and only in fleeting moments, before you’ll talk yourself out of it.

DO YOU HAVE AN UPPER LIMIT PROBLEM? The truth is, joy is vulnerable. The happier you feel, the more you’ve got to lose … and that’s freakin’ scary.

Gay Hendricks calls this an “upper limit problem” in his book The Big Leap. Your “upper limit” is the amount of happiness you’re comfortable with, and anything beyond that limit will send your mind into full-on freak-out mode.

For example, many new parents I know tell me that watching their newborn baby sleep is one of the most equally joyful and terrifying experiences they’ve ever had. They’ve never experienced such an extreme level of pure love and joy before, which means they’ve never had more to lose. It can send them into a terrifying “what if?” thought spiral where their brain plays out all of the worst-case scenarios.

When you hit your threshold for happiness, your instinct will be to rein in your joy or self-sabotage to bring you back into your happiness comfort zone.

The point is to protect you from massive disappointment. Because if you weren’t really that happy to begin with, you can’t be but so disappointed if it were to all come crashing down around you, right?

Wrong.

WATERING DOWN YOUR JOY DOESN’T LESSEN LIFE’S DISAPPOINTMENTS We have this mistaken, subconscious belief that if we tamp down our joy now, then if we wind up disappointed later on it won’t hurt as badly.

But if you ask anyone who’s been through a tragedy or massive disappointment, they’ll be the first to tell you that nothing could have prepared them for the heartbreak.

I’ve known and coached people who have been through divorce, loss of a loved one, a miscarriage, losing their home, and frightening health challenges. Not a single one would tell you, “I’m glad I didn’t let myself be too happy before this happened, because it made going through this experience less painful.”

Nope. Doesn’t work like that. In fact, they’ll tell you the exact opposite.

They’ll say that they regret not fully enjoying every single moment they had with the person who’s no longer in their life, or while they were fully healthy, or generally when life was easier and happier before the tragedy.

The strategy of watering down your joy to make future disappointments easier to bear doesn’t work. It’s a fallacy. If anything, it increases your future pain because it ensures you’ll have lots of missed opportunities to regret.

MAKE YOUR NEW IMPULSE TO FEEL YOUR JOY MORE INTENSELY RIGHT NOW Instead, I want you to deny the impulse to rein in your joy and do exactly the opposite: lean into it. Let the belly laugh spill out of you unfiltered. Feel the depth of your love for your favorite people in the world without worrying how long they’ll be a part of your life. Bask in the small joys in your day-to-day life.

Milk the moments of joy in your life for all they’re worth.

Here are a few simple ways to feel more joy today:

Really enjoy your next meal. Instead of taking a working lunch at your desk, or eating a sandwich in your car, or scarfing down dinner while numbing out to mindless TV, focus on fully enjoying your food. Eat slowly, really taste all of the flavors, and feel it nourishing your body. Eating can be one of the simplest and greatest joys, so don’t numb out when you’re eating!
Play your favorite song of the moment, and just listen. For those 3-5 minutes while it’s playing, you’re NOT allowed to wash dishes or respond to emails or scroll through Instagram. You ARE, however, allowed to sing along, dance, cry, lip sync, or play air drums. Just be with the music and feel it move through you.
Hold a hug with someone you love for a split second longer. The next hug you give — to your spouse, friend, kid, mom, dog — make it slightly longer than you’d normally be comfortable with. It’ll spike your feel-good hormones and make you feel especially connected and loved.
Find something — anything! — to be grateful for right now. Even if it feels like your life isn’t going the way you want, ask yourself, “What am I going to miss about this moment or this phase of my life when it’s over?” Even at the worst of times, there’s always something to feel grateful for. Once you pick something, don’t just think about it; really feel the gratitude wash over you.

As I said, these are just a few very small things you can do immediately to increase your joy threshold. I could go on and on with this list, but I think you’re probably seeing a pattern.

What all of these things have in common is they force you to be fully present in the moment. You can’t experience joy if your mind replaying moments from your past or worrying about the future.

True happiness happens in the present moment, so do whatever it takes to bring yourself into right now, and look for the joy, appreciation, and fun.

Where in your life are you limiting yourself from feeling joy? What other suggestions do you have for feeling even slightly more joy right now? As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts and personal stories in the comments!

IF YOU LIKED THIS, THEN YOU’LL ALSO LOVE … Our free downloadable e-book:

Are happy people for real? What it takes to live a happy, contented life in a world where that sometimes feels impossible

Make sure to check out the rest of our e-books, too:

E-Book Collections

Much Love,

Kristen (& Rachel)

LINKS Take the Passion Profile Quiz

Submit your question for a future episode of Dear Krachel

Check out our YouTube channel

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The post Are you blocking yourself from joy? appeared first on Clarity on Fire.

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Have you ever met someone who’s always known what they wanted to do?

They were 5 years old and sure they’d be a writer or a nurse or an engineer, went and did exactly that, and are still doing it to this day?

You probably have.

And while those people didn’t set out to make the rest of us feel bad … it sort of happens inadvertently, doesn’t it?

Liz Gilbert (the author of Eat, Pray, Love and Big Magic) calls these people “jackhammers.” As in, they drill down with mega-focus on one thing that they’re really passionate about and they hammer away at it forever. She’s a self-admitted jackhammer, herself, when it comes to being a writer.

She gave a talk a few years ago (definitely worth a listen) about how she mistakenly assumed that everyone was like this. Not only did she realize that she was dead wrong, but she had no idea how badly non-jackhammers often feel about themselves.

There are a whole lot of us who think there must be something wrong if we don’t have an all-consuming passion that we’re mega-focused on for our entire lives.

We feel like there’s something they (the jackhammers) understand that we haven’t figured out yet. And we can spend years (if not decades) feeling frustrated and hopeless about our search for an all-consuming passion … but never finding it.

But as it turns out, jackhammers are actually really rare. Liz concluded, and I totally agree, that maybe 5% of the population fits the jackhammer bill. The rest of us? We’re something else entirely, and it’s nothing to feel dejected about. In fact, it’s arguably even more fascinating.

WE’RE ALL A BUNCH OF HUMMINGBIRDS Before you get annoyed at the frilliness and girly-ness of being called a “hummingbird,” just chill out for a second and let me explain.

Hummingbirds move around a lot. They flit from place to place. They don’t settle into anything for too long. Wherever they find themselves at the time, they’re absorbed in that fully … until they move to the next thing.

But it’s hard to accept a life like this, at first.

Most of us are attracted to the idea of being a jackhammer because it feels refreshingly simple.

Take my client Sophie, for example.

All she’s wanted is to just figure out the one thing she’s passionate about so she can focus on that forever and stop having to think and worry about what she’s going to do next.

And I’ll admit, doing one thing, with mega-intensity forever, would remove most of the thought and angst we feel about figuring out “what’s next.”

But Sophie isn’t a jackhammer. She’s a hummingbird. She feels the inclination to evolve often, and doesn’t actually want to commit to one thing forever.

So I asked her:

“What if it was OK to just do something you’re interested in for now instead of forever?”

That made her pause. Because she’d felt, up until now, that unless she committed to something forever, she was doing this whole “passion” thing wrong.

She admitted that she was definitely attracted to the idea of “for now” instead of “forever” … but it was scary. She had a lot of concerns:

What if people think you’re a jumbled hot mess with no sense of direction?
What if a hummingbird’s résumé doesn’t look as logical as a jackhammer’s and no one wants to hire you?
What if you flit around so much that you can’t even call what you’re doing a career at all!??

Here’s how I answered that.

BEING A HUMMINGBIRD MAKES YOU INFINITELY FASCINATING My grandma was a hummingbird.

This lady was not your typical grandma, either. She took belly dancing classes in middle age. When she was in her 50s, she went back to school and got her Master’s in Psychology. She could repair car engines. She traveled around the world solo when she was in her 70s.

She was a badass woman. And endlessly interesting because of all the things she’d done and seen in her life.

I made a new hummingbird friend recently, too.

This woman is in her mid-30s, but looks a decade younger (hummingbirds age well, too, it would seem). She’s one of those people you could hang out with every day and never stop learning something new about her. She’s moved to a new city every other year since she graduated college. She has a degree in physics, but she’s also studied philosophy at the PhD level.

She’s taught college. She’s worked in straight-laced corporate. She does competitive archery. And she also owns her own web development firm, with ten team members under her … and doesn’t even have a degree in web development.

Oh, and another of my favorite authors, Diana Gabaldon, is a total hummingbird.

Diana is the author of the Outlander series. But she didn’t even start writing those books until she was in her 40s. Before that, she got degrees in ecology and biology and zoology. She taught university, wrote computer programs for avian researchers, edited a software magazine, and wrote Disney comic strips. And then she wrote a #1 New York Times bestselling book series that then got turned into a Golden Globe nominated TV show, all because she was curious about whether she could write a novel (it turns out the answer was yes).

HAVE I CONVINCED YOU YET? Hummingbirds are really cool people.

They don’t just understand one thing. They understand almost everything. They dedicate their lives to just following what they’re curious about at the time and trusting that it will take them somewhere interesting and worthwhile.

They may not have a “logical” résumé or career trajectory, but they don’t really care because they’re too busy doing what interests them. And honestly … no one else cares, either. Most people are too intrigued by hummingbirds to judge them for not being jackhammers.

Whether or not I’ve convinced you, I was able to convince Sophie.

Sophie is well on her way to becoming a very well-rounded hummingbird. Right now she’s getting a higher degree in philanthropy, but she’s thinking about simultaneously becoming a financial advisor.

Why? Because she’s really curious. She thinks it could be fascinating to help people through financial planning. She’s done the research, and her interest is piqued.

She’s made peace with the old idea that she has to do “one thing” forever. She’s actually excited about just pursuing what intrigues her, for now.

And if she finds out she’s wrong about her next step? I’ll let her explain:

“If I’m wrong, then I’m okay with that. I’ll search and find what is right. I’m strangely okay with that feeling. I was terrified of being wrong, but after our talks, I just don’t see it as that big of a deal anymore. I want a LIVED life, not a planned life.”

AND IF YOU ARE A JACKHAMMER … THAT’S OK, TOO There’s nothing wrong with being a jackhammer. If that’s genuinely who you are (like Liz Gilbert, who’s made a great life being a jackhammer), then keep doing you.

We can all be alluring and fascinating and inspiring, in our own way.

But don’t fear being a hummingbird.

Release the pressure to commit to one thing forever … just commit to what piques your curiosity NOW.

If you can follow your curiosity over and over again, you’ll always feel passionate and inspired, regardless of what you’re doing. And you’ll probably be the most interesting person in the room, every time.

Are you a hummingbird or a jackhammer? Let me know what you think, in the comments!

Much Love,

Rachel & Kristen

IF YOU LIKED THIS YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO… Side Chat: How to figure out what to do with your life (June 2018)

Bonus Book Club! Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert (June 2018)

Finding a dream job after years of searching with Teanca Shepherd (September 2018)

Treating life like a magical scavenger hunt with Francisca Hernandez (November 2018)

Getting what you want, then losing it with Sara Griffin (June 2019)

LINKS Liz Gilbert’s Super Soul Talk: The Flight of the Hummingbird

Take the Passion Profile Quiz

Submit your question for a future episode of Dear Krachel

Check out our YouTube channel

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