Every Coach Needs A Coach: Recent Episodes
Coach Kelli
A podcast for athletic coaches of all levels and sports to learn from coaches who they may otherwise never have the chance to meet.
When was the last time anyone told you this? When was the last time you said it to anybody else? Who in your life is it such a joy to be with?
You are always an example to your kids, and if you haven’t watched Ted Lasso, yet, I strongly encourage you to let him be your example
A lesson I learned in my first year of coaching freshman, basketball, and a caution for parents on how they incentivize their kids during games
It’s floating around the Internet, that un opposing March madness teams, marching band, learned the Yale fight song, and for Yale T-shirts, because the Yale marching band couldn’t make it out to their men’s national tournament game
Set the bar in the expectation, exceptionally high, and see who reaches for it. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Small minds talk about people, average minds, talk about events, and big #MIN talk about ideas
When was the last time anybody said those words to you? That is the message that I want my family to hear in my voice when I’m gone
Coaching can be Shiesty. Make sure that you, and your staff are behaving in alignment with your values, and surround yourself with people of similar character.
A simple exercise that takes two minutes and could significantly impact the rest of your life
Write down what you want your players to say what it’s like playing for you. Then write down what they would actually say that it’s like to play for you. See if those two things are in alignment and then ask yourself, would I want to play for me? Would I want my kids, or my friends, kids, or my nieces and nephews to play for me?
It’s important to make small tiny adjustments and have individual meetings frequently if you want to keep your culture strong
No good deed goes unpunished. Be kind , because everyone you meet is going through a hard battle. Your attention is your most valuable asset
Mine are - one, no good deed goes unpunished, your generosity will be returned to you 10 times, and be kind because everyone you meet is going through something that you know nothing about
See if you can challenge yourself to speak only in terms of what you want done. Instead of don’t touch that, or don’t set the screen there, use positive language to express what you want and see if it changes how effectively you communicate.
It can take a long time, but it is worthwhile to think about what you want, and more importantly, why you want it
I know I just talked about how important it is to get objective numbers, but the image on the front of a journal reminded me how important it is to look at quality, and addition to quantity
A quick story about two patient encounters, and how they might apply to your life as a coach
Please have a rationale, and a reasonable explanation for the off-season, and off day, work that you give your kids
An interaction with a patient I had, and how often people will tell you what's wrong and how to fix it, and moving is powerful.
Most officials, I know love, talking about plays, and the opportunity to get better. My partner and I were approached by a mother of a player on the winning team, who whipped out her phone and was real quick to accuse us of the worst call she’s ever seen. We click the dismissed her, and here’s what I wish, I did. I wish I paused, and slowed the entire situation down, and I wish I asked her if she was sure of the example she wanted to set for her six or seven-year-old daughter, who was in Tobey behind her. Myself as an official, and most officials, I know, are happy to review and talk about plays. A moment, it turns disrespectful, fans, parents, coaches, lose that opportunity
I overheard a conversation that parents were having about their coach as they were leaving a game last week, and it reminded me that everyone will have something to say, but you know your team, the best
One of my old college basketball teammates introduced me to the concept of muting the television, while the commercials were on. It’s something I’ve done ever since, and another lesson in attention.
Our daughter is almost 5 months old now, and she’s the greatest thing in the whole world. I am so lucky and blessed that I get to be her mom.
Do you know WHY I end every episode with ‘I appreciate you, thank you for spending some time with me today?’ (I borrowed this from Lewis Howes’ School of Greatness podcast)
I’m now aware that it’s because our ATTENTION is our most valuable asset. Some may argue that it’s time, others may say it’s money. But to me, our ATTENTION is more valuable than both. Because with time, we can spend time together and both be scrolling on our phones or watching TV or reading. With money, well there are plenty of ways to make and spend money quickly, and you can always earn more money. Time is a very limited asset. Attention is a VALUABLE asset. Your attention is why companies can advertise during the superbowl for millions of dollars. Your ATTENTION is why tick tok and instagram and facebook want you on their platforms, so their advertisers can reach you and grab your attention. Your ATTENTION is why there are panic headlines and paywalls behind them.
Where you spend your attention directly impacts the quality of your life.
As we’re becoming parents and figuring out how we want to foster and guide our baby, it’s becoming clear that she’s right now, too little to understand much of what we say. She certainly understands who we are and what we do. It’s evident by the giant smile that takes up her whole face when we greet her from a nap, or when we come home from work. She knows it’s us. And because she’s our baby, we give her TONS of attention. But if we walked into the room and ignored her, or didn’t look up from our phones or our book or stayed on the phone with a friend or colleague, we’re showing our daughter what’s important to us by where are ATTENTION is.
So I end every episode with gratitude towards you, because if you’re choosing to spend your most valuable asset with me (in my eyes, it’s your attention)
https://open.spotify.com/episode/1rFWYAIFQdipW2hgFcFobd?si=Cvo52bcGTkGj1zh8WX91QQ&context=spotify%3Ashow%3A1zJimWlZb8CE868XoxUsJ6 jackal Willis talks about how leaders in the military are like leaders in a mob. And how, after a well done mission, it’s easy to get sloppy and overconfident, and as a leader, it’s his job to remind everyone that they still need to do their diligence, and remain prepared and humble. Conversely, after a loss, or a casualty, it is the leaders job to sway the mob into action, and improved spirits
“Be deliberate in your education,
and aggressive in your application.
Be firm in your standards,
and flexible in your opinions.
Be intense in your effort,
and calm in your reflection.
Be focused in your aim,
and open to possibilities.
Be easy to talk to,
and hard to offend.
Be frequent in your praise,
and rare in your criticism.
Be immune to flattery,
and unaffected by doubt.
Be sharp with your mind,
and soft with your heart.
Be quick to take responsibility,
and slow to take credit.
Be demanding of yourself,
and patient with other people.”
Every moment matters by John O'Sullivan
Mirror processing - why we smile when others smile or yawn when they yawn. When you watch someone you care about participate in something, your neural decision making areas disengage , and you inferior parietal lobe uses mirror processing , and your brain reacts as if we were being fouled or having a goal unjustly called back.
From page 7 of 'A Game Plan For Life'
"We all share that same responsibility because each of us has gained a different perspective from our individual circum-stances. Knowledge is nothing unless it is shared. I know that knowledge for knowledge's sake is a wonderful ideal, but in re-alit, it is the transmission of understanding that is the very basis of civilization. It's what allows human progress to move forward. If we dont pass on what we've gained, we are halting the upward reach of society, and we are denying everything that came before us that enabled us the luxury of learning those lessons we refuse to share. As an old saying goes, "We stand on the shoulders of giants." It is our responsibility to make our shoulders available for the next generation's climb."
Fable: DON'T ARGUE WITH DONKEYS
The donkey said to the tiger:
- "The grass is blue".
The tiger replied:
- "No, the grass is green."
The discussion heated up, and the two decided to submit him to arbitration, and for this they went before the lion, the King of the Jungle.
Already before reaching the forest clearing, where the lion was sitting on his throne, the donkey began to shout:
- "His Highness, is it true that the grass is blue?".
The lion replied:
- "True, the grass is blue."
The donkey hurried and continued:
- "The tiger disagrees with me and contradicts and annoys me, please punish him."
The king then declared:
- "The tiger will be punished with 5 years of silence."
The donkey jumped cheerfully and went on his way, content and repeating:
- "The Grass Is Blue"...
The tiger accepted his punishment, but before he asked the lion:
- "Your Majesty, why have you punished me?, after all, the grass is green."
The lion replied:
- "In fact, the grass is green."
The tiger asked:
- "So why are you punishing me?".
The lion replied:
- "That has nothing to do with the question of whether the grass is blue or green.
The punishment is because it is not possible for a brave and intelligent creature like you to waste time arguing with a donkey, and on top of that come and bother me with that question."
The worst waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who does not care about truth or reality, but only the victory of his beliefs and illusions. Never waste time on arguments that don't make sense...
There are people who, no matter how much evidence and evidence we present to them, are not in the capacity to understand, and others are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment, and all they want is to be right even if they are not.
When ignorance screams, intelligence is silent. Your peace and quiet are worth more.
My priority shift during soccer, and this podcast tends to take a backseat. For consistency sake, for my sake, and for your sake, I will continue to record episodes every day, but forgive me for the lack of introduction and outro, music, and lower quality audio.
The sweetest sound to Any person in any language is the sound of their own name. Challenge you to learn a new name today, and use it.
Video analysis of our games just for a few days has increased our kids engagement, and understanding of tactics and strategies. Add another layer to our culture and language
If you could go back and give yourself advice during your freshman year of high school, what would you say? My bet is that you should still follow this advice to this day
I have implemented appreciation Wednesday with our team this year, where every Wednesday we call someone we love and tell them we appreciate them. It’s been tremendously powerful. I challenge you to make it your own and implement it with your team
Offer your kids a chance to play and explore during practice(sandbox) , and a chance to compete for playing time (War times)
Lead Em Up exericse- speed mentoring.
Our big takeaway from our seniors was to stop caring what anyone thinks of you. That was a great lesson for our freshmen to hear and great for me to be reminded .
I had the opportunity to give a talk to our youth recreation coaches in town. They have to go through a safety training, and as a physical therapist, I'm qualified to offer that to them. It helps that I coach high school soccer, and can offer them safety tips on things to look out for as far as injuries and field conditions.
I managed to show them a handful of drills, reminding them that they can be adjusted to the level that they're coaching, these coaches were first through eighth grade coaches. One of them at the end asked me about the play practice play model, which I'm a little embarrassed to admit, I have no idea what that is. I asked him to explain it, and he said it's the European model that's changing now, into eliminating the word "drill "and letting the kids just go play.
As soon as he said ‘let the kids just go play’, i smiled. I let the room breath for a second, and then said ‘huh. Imagine that? The kids just get to play without grown ups interfering ? stopping drills every 15 seconds? Instructing at every single mistake?
YES. LET THEM GO PLAY!
IT REMINDED ME OF TWO TWEETS THAT I SAW WHILE BACK. ONE SAID, WHEN PLANNING YOUR PRACTICE, ASK WHAT HAPPENS IN A GAME? THEN DO THAT. THE OTHER SAID, TAKE YOUR PRACTICE PLAN, AND CUT IT IN HALF. SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WORK ON THE THINGS THAT YOU REALLY HAVE TO WORK ON. OVER THE LAST THREE YEARS AS A HEAD COACH, MY PRACTICE PLANS HAVE GOTTEN SMALLER, AND MORE FOCUSED. MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I HAVE LESS TO PROVE NOW, I WOULD LIKE TO THINK THAT IT HAS TO DO WITH WANTING MY PLAYERS TO HAVE THE MOST FUN AND GET THE MOST OUT OF THEMSELVES DURING OUR PRACTICES.
A few days ago I gave you my three rules to live by. Rule number one is to have fun. I was in a coaches webinar with the lead him up Community a few nights ago. One of the tips that Adam Bradley gave us, was to lean into the fun. We've all been there in serious moments with our team, and without warning, something funny happens. Maybe somebody's voice cracks, or two kids have been staring at each other and they just can't hold in their giggles anymore. And there's laughter. And the kids are nervous because they don't know if they're allowed to laugh or not, because we’re in the middle of something serious.
We have a couple of options when that happens. We can get stern, and reel them in quickly. We can laugh along with them, and enjoy the break in the tension, and we can let it get out of hand and stay off track.
During this webinar, I was reminded to lean into the fun. I get to coach high school sports. If we're not having fun, what are we doing? This is your reminder to lean into the fun. You can be disciplined, you can be tough on them, you have to love them. Make sure you and they are having fun, and i challenge you to lean into those moments.
It reminded me of when I was in seventh or eighth grade, and I had two female coaches. Both had played basketball, one was way more serious than the other. And both of them really loved us. One day we were practicing at the Essex Valley school, which has baskets that are 8 feet on the sides for the younger kids. Our less serious coach was tall enough that she could reach the net without jumping of this basket.
Our more serious coach had us on the baseline, about to run a sprint, because we didn't go through a drill hard enough a minute before. And while she was yelling at us, Coach Schelli grabbed onto the net of the lower basket and started spinning around underneath it. We knew we weren't supposed to laugh because we were getting yelled at, but all of us were staring at Coach Schelli, and when Coach Merriweather noticed that none of us were looking at her, she turned around and saw her assistant being silly. I don't know if either adult remembers that moment, but I promise you that every player does. Embrace the fun moments.
A good friend of mine unfortunately is suffering from long Covid. Given that the virus has only existed for just over two years, we don't know whole lot about it. She wanted to know if there was any exercises she should be doing to help facilitate her recovery. This was back in maybe May. So because I wanted to help her, I went down a rabbit hole for several hours a day for about a week, subscribing to physical therapy journals, asking people on social media who I respect , And who are experts in their field. Reaching out to colleagues who have seen athletes Dealt with long Covid patients.
I was not a member of the American physical therapy Association before that. But in order to get access to some information, I had to become a member. A couple hundred dollars later, and one lecture that was given by physical therapists at Mass General in Boston, I learned about real learning. Because at the end of that hour and a half lecture, that I skipped through to try to find the most valuable information in the least amount of time, they put a reminder to take the quiz at the end of the lecture in order ot get your continuing education credit.
It dawned on me then, that I couldn't have given less of a care to the continuing education credits. I had a person who needed my help, and I was trying to learn how to help them. I was mad, because it dawned on me that often times we sit through things to get credit for sitting through the thing. And that's garbage. Our time is too valuable, and our lives are too short to do things for the sake of doing them. Get curious, allow your kids to get curious, and then go explore that thing to make a real difference in the world.
Tonight my nephew reminded us to listen to the crickets. It’s a good reminder to me to stop at halftime and look at each of my kids. To stop and appreciate loading up the bus, or stretching after practice. I challenge for you is for you to ask yourself what are your crickets? And are you listening to them?
There are some philosophies that I’ve adopted over my years that kind of shape my identity and guide my decision-making. They are my ‘north stars’ that I use to answer questions when I’m facing a decision. Some of them are
do all the good you can with all the time you have
‘beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself’
be bold
It’s a game, they are kids.
What goes around comes around
I sometimes have a hard time taking time for myself, and especially during soccer, my priorities shift and I don’t always eat a good lunch, or work out, or get to bed on time.
When a friend asked me why, I listed my above philosophies. And he pointed to a rock and told me to pick it up. I did. He said ‘squeeze it’, so i lightly squeezed it. He said ‘harder’, so i squeezed it harder, and i caught an edge of it that hurt a bit so i let it go. He asked why i let it go, and i told him ‘it hurt’.
He challenged me - if you hold on so tightly to those philosophies, just like that rock, you’re going to hurt yourself. The rock is sitting on my desk to remind me of that every day.
My challenge for you is how tightly are you holding on to your philosophies? Are you going to hurt yourself by gripping them so tight that you can’t learn new ones? Or put one down to pick another one up?
I like to end practice with celebrations, that's a tradition that I took from PGC, and my own experiences playing for my former coach. A few weeks ago one of our seniors celebrated a freshman who is continuously dripping sweat, asking for feedback, and clearly wanting to get better. The senior celebrated her for being an example. After we were done clapping, I threw that back on that senior, and said to her, I think that freshman does that because she sees you doing that. You set the tone, and she can see that that's how we do things here. That player who celebrated the freshman, as part of my rising tide who helped lift all the ships a few years ago, who didn't see a lot of playing time. But still worked her tail off. I'm very proud of her for recognizing that in her teammates and speaking up about it in front of them.
- Have fun
- We’ll both work hard to get us better
- No horsing around/falling
If we’re not having fun, what are we doing here? They don’t want to come, I don’t want to see them, and our progress is limited because there’s unnecessary tension .
We’ll both work hard to get you better. If you give me 100%, I’ll give you 200%. You gotta be all in.
Let’s be safe. We can have fun, we have to be safe.
You learn more about a person in an hour of play than you do in a lifetime of conversation. Yesterday we lost 3 to 2 in an overtime, golden goal game against a good opponent. It was a physical game, and fair. The two referees we had, we're older gentleman, each with 20+ years of officiating soccer at the college level. These guys knew what they were doing, and they were courteous Before during and after the game. We happen to have three penalties inside the 18 box during the game.
Two are fouls, and one of the handball. Those lead to penalty kicks. Our keeper saved one, they missed one over the net, and one of them winning. They were not bad calls, they were probably the right calls. Later in the game, one of my kids probably got fouled in a box, and it didn't get called. And that was fine. The opposing coach Managed to get himself a yellow card for screaming at the official wanting an off side call.
Maybe he was right about the car, maybe he wasn't, I wasn't in a position to see it. But I do know is he made a fool of himself jumping up and down and screaming at the official. After the game, I shook his hand and he apologized for how bad the referees were. This guy just won a 3 to 2 golden goal overtime game where his team got three penalty kicks, and he managed to get a yellow card. And he was apologizing to me about how bad the refs were. I try not to complain, so all I said was that I was grateful that they're there, because quite honestly there's an official shortage, and I thought they did all right.
I don't know it was the coach complaining since the opening whistle, the players did too, and the parents did as well. That guy seemed like a nice enough guy when I went over and introduced myself, and even after the game he was cordial. But what I told my players was that you can learn more about a person in an hour of play then you can in a lifetime of conversation. That's important for when they decide which company they wanna go work at, and who they want to date. Peoples true colors come out when they compete. My challenge for you, take a look at your colors.
Are you the same person when there is a score being kept versus not? Is a conversation with you reflective of how you are when you’re competing?
What was the last thing you googled? What was the last thing you googled ‘how to do’?. I bet you learned something. Maybe you were sitting on your couch on you phone. Maybe you were putting up a fixture in your house. Maybe you were putting gas in the lawn mower or changing the ink in in your printer. Whatever it was, I BET YOU LEARNED SOMETHING by doing it.
What’d you learn in 10th grade algebra ? Maybe formula for the slope of a line? Maybe the quadratic formula? MAYBE they taught you something valuable about compound interest. I bet you PASSED high school algebra..but I seriously doubt that you LEARNED high school algebra.
My point is, that learning happens when we are actively curious and involved in the process. Your kids will learn a drill are you talking about it. Your kids will learn by doing. This past week we gave each of our players a praise in a push. The praise was something they've been doing well, they push something that they need to get better at in order to see more time on the field and help the team. Once they knew their push, I gave them time before practice You work on that with a teammate who is already pretty good at that thing. For some of them it was their first touch and controlling the ball to the ground. For others it was tackling and holding off on opponent as you control the ball. By allowing my players to teach their teammates, the teammates actually learn, and I giving my kids the objective and task of getting better at that thing in order to get more time on the field, they learned. And now, they have strategies to go home and use on their own or if they really want to get better and learn, they will do it, and they have the tools.
All the villagers decided to pray for rain together one morning. On the day of prayer, everyone showed up , but only one little boy brought an umbrella. That is faith.
Last year in basketball, we were positioned so that by our last game, if we lost it , we’d tie for 1st place, and if we won it, we’d win the conference. It was a game we should win, so my dad and I got t shirts made up designed that said conference champs and the year, and had the box sitting at the end of the bench during the game. My dad and I were the only ones who knew about it (and the mom who helped us put the order together). Our head coach, the players, our opponents didn’t know.
We won the game (it was closer than we anticipated, but we won), and we gave the t shirts out in the locker room immediately after.
The kids were confused. They asked us ‘what would you have done if we lost’, and we simply responded, we knew you could do it.
My challenge for you is to have your faith in your team, and then SHOW it. Believe in them, and when you have the chance to ‘bring an umbrella’, bring it.
It's really easy to get frustrated when a player shows up late, especially when they haven't given you a heads up that they're gonna be late. The same can be said for kids showing up to class late.
I've been guilty of showing up to church late. And I think this is where I heard this phrase. Rather than getting annoyed, or judging that person, or scolding them in front of the group for being late. You simply say, “
I'm so glad you're here is everything OK?”
Yeah Coach everything is fine I just had to pull my car around and there was traffic at that stoplight. Yes teacher, I had to stop at my locker because I forgot my book. Sorry God, I'm late for church because I overslept.
Then there's the flipside of that. I was late because I got pulled over. I was late because I had to bring my sister to school first. I was late because I was taking a math test. I was late because I had detention.
Once we find out the reason, we can then have a conversation about accountability, and commitment, and making sure that our lateness is not chronic, and that we respect each other's time. Once we find out, yes, everything's OK, we have a platform on which we've established that we care about the person first, and then we can help them grow and hold them accountable to being on time.
My challenge for you is the hold your scolding until you found out that everything is OK. Then, calmly have a conversation about responsibility.
I have lost count of the number of emails and conversations that start with ‘i dont want to be that guy/girl/parent/ref/coach/patient/doctor)..and then the proceed to go be that thing. If you really didn’t want to be that guy…YOU WOULDN’T DO IT.
I think a much better way to have that kind of conversation is, ‘It makes me uncomfortable to have this conversation with you because I don’t do it a lot. This is important to me so I want to talk about it with you.’
The MOMENT you do the thing you said you didn’t want to do, you admit you want to do it. Let’s just be real and honest with each other, rather than pretending to be or do something we’re not.
I signed our team up for lead em up this year, that’s a program run by Adam Bradley designed to help build great followership and leadership in an athletic program.
The program starts by defining what ‘green’ is. Green is the money team. Green is good, relaxed, flowing. Ultimately , we want to be green, build green. The first thing we do is sit down as a group and define what our green standards are and will be. We talk about what green looks and sounds like. Then when we decide, i send those in to lead em up, and they send us back a poster with those standards and our team logo and name on them.
In addition to being time well spent (like we talked about the last few days), it was a really great way to hear our team hash out what they want this year. They want to feel close and connected and together. And that’s all I need. By defining our ‘green’, I can now simply yell out, or pull aside a kid and ask them ‘are you green right now?’ and they’ll know what im talking about.
My challenge for you - does your team know what it wants? Does it know what ‘green’ looks and sounds and feels like? Are they willing to chase that? To hold each other accountable to that?
This is a love languages episode. Every year I ask our players how they feel most appreciated. I want them to know that I want to try and make them feel like I appreciate them.
People feel loved and appreciated in different ways though. Some love a high five. Some love public praises. Some love a little note that no one else knows about. Some want their picture on the team instagram. Some want their name in the paper and others are mortified if i put them on the instagram or in the newspaper.
This year I asked ‘how and when do you feel most appreciated’, and got lots of answers like ‘when i score a goal or get an assist’, or ‘when the team cheers my name’. Which is all fine. But that means that even with a TREMENDOUS season, a kid will only feel appreciated MAYBE 20 times.
My assistant coach challenged me to rephrase that question in the future to ‘how can we help you feel most appreciated?’ Because that has nothing to do with their time or performance on the field.
My challenge for you, don’t shower your kids with roses without asking what their favorite flower is. Ask the right questions, and LISTEN to the answers.
Yesterday we talked about dedicated, protected time. Along that line, we seem to never have enough time. But what if instead of saying ‘we don’t have time for that’, we rephrased it as ‘that’s not a priority right now’. That simple phrasing will help you and your staff and your team understand where your priorities are at.
Think about the last thing you said you didn’t have time for (in the context of your team)
For me it was “we don’t have time to interview every candidate for captainship”. If i rephrase that to ‘it’s not a priority to interview every candidate for captainship’, I would stand by that statement. It’s not. Each player got to make a speech, as long as they liked, to explain to their teammates why they want and are qualified for that position. I don’t feel it necessary to interview them each individually. That might change in future years, but this year, it’s not.
Personally, I challenge you to think of the last thing you said ‘i dont have time for’. For me, it was working out. Quite honestly, I don’t really. But between walking the dog 2-3x/day, being out there with our team, and doing what i do as a PT, I didn’t feel it was a priority to work out. Phrasing it that way, I realize how crazy that sounds. If I want to set an example to our players and my staff and my community, I need to exercise and stay healthy.
So think about how you’re using that phrase ‘I don’t ahve time for that’, and instead, change it to ‘that’s not a priority right now’. See if it changes any choices you’re making with your time.
One of my business coaches challenged me that in order to grow my clinic, i need to have dedicated, protected time in my schedule every week that i take away from treating patients, and focus solely on my strategy to improve my business and grow it.
That phrase, dedicated, protected time she used 3-4x in our conversation. She did that deliberately, because we all know how it goes (i’ve done it so many times i’ve lost track), where we put that 2 hour block in on a Thursday , early afternoon…and then a patient asks for an appointment at that time. Or the dog’s vet visit can only happen at that time, or I get asked to help with my nieces or nephews. Or that’s the only time I can grocery shop…etc.)
That dedicated, protected time we all have (maybe it’s to work out. Maybe it’s to read, or cook a good dinner, or have dinner with our family, or go on a date with our significant other…)or, in the case of coaching, maybe it’s the team building activities or community service you intend to do at the start of the season, but then a game gets rescheduled…or there’s a big game coming up that you have to spend extra time on the field for…we’ve all been there!)
Think of that time as protected though. Think of it like it’s got a moat around it with armed guards , making sure that it’s safe and protected.
This is a story that popped up on my facebook feed a few days ago.
My daughter starts middle school tomorrow. We've decorated her locker, bought new uniforms, even surprised her with a new backpack. But tonight just before bed, we did another pre-middle school task that is far more important than the others. I gave her a tube of toothpaste and asked her to squirt it out onto a plate. When she finished, I calmly asked her to put all the toothpaste back in the tube. She began exclaiming things like "But I can't!" and "It won't be like it was before!" I quietly waited for her to finish and then said the following:
"You will remember this plate of toothpaste for the rest of your life. Your words have the power of life or death. As you go into middle school, you are about to see just how much weight your words carry. You are going to have the opportunity to use your words to hurt, demean, slander and wound others. You are also going to have the opportunity to use your words to heal, encourage, inspire and love others. You will occasionally make the wrong choice; I can think of three times this week I have used my own words carelessly and caused harm. Just like this toothpaste, once the words leave your mouth, you can't take them back. Use your words carefully. When others are misusing their words, guard your words. Make the choice every morning that life-giving words will come out of your mouth. Decide tonight that you are going to be a life-giver in middle school. Be known for your gentleness and compassion. Use your life to give life to a world that so desperately needs it. You will never, ever regret choosing kindness."
The Rock said he heard a quote when he was 15 that is now engrained in his DNA “It’s nice to be important, but it’s important to be nice”
As coaches, we want to love our kids, and we want to be tough on them, and we want them to compete and play hard to win. We must model that we can be fierce and nice at the same time. We will say and do things like that tube of toothpaste, where we wish we could take them back. Try to spill as little as possible, and when you do, admit it.
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ― Howard Thurman I am in the start of soccer season, and although coaching throws my schedule and life into some chaos, man, does it make me come alive. I get excited, and frustrated, and enthusiastic, and driven to be my best when I coach. I think that’s the best example I can set for our kids. What makes you come alive? Are you doing it daily? Are you setting that example for those around you?
"To laugh often and much; win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived; This is to have succeeded". -Emerson
“To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded.”
We’re all guilty of making our players lives harder (temporarily) , I’d like to hope that’s to help make another time in their life easier because you’ve coached them.
Maybe we can change that to reflect coaching more. “To know even 1 player has loved the game more because you were their coach’ or ‘to know even 1 player has felt included in something bigger than themselves because you were their coach’ or…’even 1 player has happy memories of their sport because you were their coach’.
I challenge you , as I have before, to define success for yourself. Wooden did it. Emerson did it. You can do it, too.
Why not make this universe the one where you’re the best version of you?
Last week we were driving back from the beach, and we listened to a podcast featuring the physicist Michio Kaku. Stay with me on this because it gets kind of deep and trippy. The idea of a multi-verse is that there are infinite universes, with infinite versions of infinite possibilities. At least that's my understanding of it. As MISSIO was explaining this, I had a thought and said to my husband, if there are infinite universes of infinite ‘Coach Kelli’s;, why not make this one the best one? I question this one be the one where I connect best with my kids? Why should this one be the one where my teams give me energy and excitement every single day? Why should this one be the one where I get the best out of them, and help them become the best versions of themselves day in and day out? Why shouldn't this be the one with my staff are the best people I know?
I couldn't come up with a good reason why not. So now I am in pursuit of making this universe the best one I can imagine.
What challenge for you is if the possibilities were infinite and limitless, what would your goals and aspirations for your team be?
In 2016 my new year’s resolution was to make 50 three pointers a week. At that point I was studying for my board exams to become a physical therapist, working full-time as an intern. And knowing that my health and mental health were important, but not necessarily taking the time to take care of those things. I love basketball, and a New Year's resolution forced me to do something that I loved, that was physical activity. It was the best New Year's resolution I've ever had, and the longest one I've ever stuck with.
I would go to the YMCA, And my rule was that I couldn't hit more than 25 in a day. So that forced me to go at least two days a week. I like to play a game when I shoot. I pick 5-7 spots on the floor, and make my way around the world. If I make the shot, my rebound is allowed to hit the ground, but if I miss it, I have to get the rebound before it hits the ground, and make a layup. If I made the layup, I could re-take the shot. If I missed the layup, I had to start back from the beginning.
I just like when I played, I had a good shooting days, and not so good shooting days. On the days that were not so good, I learned how important it was to make my layups.
Keep in mind I was studying for my national physical therapy exam board. I had a revelation one day that there were questions as I was practicing for the exam that were three point questions. They were hard, they took a lot of time, and they made me think and challenged the range of my knowledge and understanding. And those practice questions there were also the ‘gimmes’ ,The questions that took very little thought, very little time, and we're very surface level of my knowledge. Those were the layups. The more challenging ones were the three-pointe
And in about mid January, I started to study in a way that made sure I hit my lips. Just like in basketball, I was bound to hit a few three-pointers, but if I hit my labs, I was gonna be just fine. A challenge to use a coach is what are your labs? What are the easy things that you should be doing day in and day out to get right? Of course, there will be points in your season or something challenging comes up, that's your three-pointer. Maybe you'll make it, and maybe a mess, but if you keep hitting your lips, you're bound to be successful.
Grocery store, and I needed to find toll house cookie dough. I searched for a few minutes, and the moment I asked for help, it came in the form of an employee who didn’t know exactly where they were, but pointed me in the right direction. I just find it funny that as soon as I asked for help, what I needed made it self available. That’s the way the world works. When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
250 - speak it into existence
Have you ever noticed that you text someone, and they say ‘hey i was just talking about you’. That literally just happened to me. I texted a patient last night to check in, and she wrote me back this morning about how she was telling a coworker about me. And then proceeded to offer me some speaking gigs and training for some younger coaches in town , and remembered that she wants to come back in for more PT.
I often encourage my kids to manifest their futures.
If we define, and write down what we want, we start behaving in ways that we get that thing. We want a team that feels like a family? We start behaving in ways that make us feel like a family? We want to have a great relationship with our significant other? We start behaving in ways taht allow us to have a great relationship with our significant other? We want a team that energizes us and allows us to mentor and coach ehtm? We behave in ways that that happens.
This year I intend to give all of our kids a notebook and have them write down on the inside cover exactly what they want for themselves and for the team this year. That way, I can hold them accountable to what THEY want. All i’ll have to do is say ‘what’s in your notebook?’ or ‘what’s your inside cover say?’ and they’ll change their behavior to line up with it.
Manifest what you want and you’ll get it.
https://www.abc.net.au/science/articles/2010/12/07/3085614.htm "The oft-quoted frog-in-boiling-water myth. It claims that frogs cannot sense a slow change in the temperature of the water around them. If you plunge them into boiling water they'll immediately jump out. But if you place them into room temperature water and slowly heat it to boiling, the frog won't notice and will slowly cook to death. So claims the myth. Corporate consultants cite the frog fable as proof that companies change so slowly that most of the employees, and often the managers, don't see the change and cannot deal with it." The concept is interesting, the science makes it less interesting! The idea is we can move the needle slowly in either direction (for worse or for better) and do it in such a way that our players, staff, or company don’t even feel the changes until it’s ‘too late’. Often, we try to throw our kids into boiling water…we expect 100% enthusiasm, fitness, skill on the first few days. We have to understand and trust that we’re sometimes better off slowly bringing the water to a boil (with what we emphasize as a culture within our program). As we build and adjust our culture, the new kids who come into it (and the old ones who return), should see that pot of boiling water (the environment we created!) and want to jump into it!
That’s not exactly right. I did a little research because I’d heard this somewhere and wanted to do an episode on it. It turns out, 90% of a rocket’s weight is it’s fuel. (https://howthingsfly.si.edu/ask-an-explainer/how-much-fuel-would-it-take-shoot-rocket-out-atmosphere)
Now, i found an answer that said that the most fuel is used to lift the rocket the first few feet. Doesn’t tha sound familiar? The beginning of the season is the toughest. Making teams, getting the right people in the right mindsets. Going through your first game or 2, getting cobwebs out. We put a ton of effort in all season, but the beginning I would say we use the most ‘fuel’
My challenge for myself is to delegate some of that fuel to others so my tank can stay somewhat full to propel us through the rest of the season. I will use my assistant, and our seniors and captains to evenly distribute that fuel across the board and make sure we take off and land as smoothly as possible
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
I shared Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata poem with you yesterday. The line I love in that (among many) is , Beyond wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself. There have been so many times in my life when I wanna get down on myself. Oh shoot, I haven't done the podcast in four or five days. I have to do that. Oh shoot, I meant to send that patient their exercises yesterday and I haven't gotten around to doing it, I'm a bad person because I didn't. Oh no, that conversation with that player or parent ended really badly. I’m a bad coach and person. I missed that free-throw at the end of the game, I stink, I shouldn't be on the team. I forgot to remind that kid that the bus was leaving early, I'm wasting everybody's time.
These situations happen weekly. That line in that poem helps me ‘keep peace with my soul’ as it says in the second to last line
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
by Max Ehrmann ©1927
My sister sent me this poem at the end of my sophormoe year of college, when i was contemplating transfering. It is a philosophy that I hold dearly, and the line I repeat to myself daily is ‘beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. Because that gives me permission to say to myself of course I'm being gentle with myself, and then I question, is it beyond a wholesome discipline? That simple sentence forces my physiology to relax. Forces me to take a deep breath and step back to see the situation for what it really is, no matter what it is.
I really haven't shared this with many people, mostly out of selfishness. I feel like this poem is mine, because it got me through so much. I realize that a lot of other people need it to, so i hope it helps you or your players.
Here is a poem by William Martin, called, 'Do not ask your children to strive'
Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is the way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples and pears.
Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.
I don’t have kids yet. I try to take my nieces and nephews outside and show them the wonders around them, so they develop an appreciation for simple things that are really the essence of being alive.
My first year as a head coach, I kept a notebook. Every day after practice or a game, I’d write 1-2 sentences that summarized the day or of an event that happened that day that stuck out to me. Most days were very ordinary.
At the end of the season, I had 60+ days worth of ‘ordinary’ to reflect on. I used that notebook to write my end of the season speech, which may have been the best one I’ve ever given. It was because we found extraordinary in the ordinary. We found beauty in the average day. We could see our love for each other grow, our respect for the game and our opponents grow.
My challenge for you - are you teaching your players to strive for extraordinary? Are you showing them that the extraordinary will take care of itself if they do the ordinary exceptionally well?
I saw a clip where a mother of a 11 or 12 year old girl asked Gary Vanyerchuck about her daughter’s self confidence.
He told the mom that if he could advise her daughter, it would be to build her self esteem. Now , if you google Gary V self esteem, you’ll get a slew of videos and posts from years ago.
His point is that self esteem needs to be the most protected entity for our young people (especially girls). How they view themselves is absolutely EVERYTHING.
We as coaches are in powerful positions to help our kids define their self esteem, and build it alongside them.
Self esteem is NOT all rah-rah ‘you’re great’, self esteem is introspective (and that’s hard as a 30-something, let alone a teenager!). Self esteem is the conversations our players have with themselves every minute of every day.
I don’t know about you, but there are certain sentences that other people have said to me that I can still hear in their voices inside my head. One was my college’s coach’s brutal honesty with me when she told me ‘it’d be a travesty for us if you left, but there’s nothing we can do to make you stay’. Another was my former goalie coach, who has since unfortunately passed away, telling our players (when we had the chance to coach together) that I was the best goalie the program’s ever seen. (I don’t know about that, but he’d coached every single goalie in the girls soccer program, and he was always honest and never blew smoke.)
. You have the chance to be that for another person, whether that’s an athlete, a colleague, or a family member.. My challenge for you (and this is a hard one!) be the positive voice your kids hear over and over in their heads.
“We rise by lifting each other. “ TJ at the 30:00 mark , episode 376 of the hardwood hustle.My first year as a head coach, I had a junior and 2 sophomores who didn’t play much in games. In practice, they were the players who forced our starters to get better. They raised the energy level of every drill. They brought our team together by giving 100% in every chance they had. They were celebrated by every one of their teammates. I called the 3 of them the rising tide. Because a rising tide lifts all ships.
This is a reference, obviously, to how when ships are anchored in the harbor, as the tide changes from low to high, every ship rises with the tide. It’s not like some ships stay at 1 level while the others rise around it.
The forces that these 3 players created lifted the spirits and skill of every player around them.
My challenge for you - Who is your ‘tide lifter’ on your team, and do they know it? Do they know the importance of the role they are playing? Tell them!
We went to see Zac Brown Band last night, and as he performed he told the story of how every member joined the band. When they were all introduced he said something that stuck with me. He said I encourage anyone who is trying to build something great to find people who are better than you. You should be the worst one in the group
“How you did it, and who you did it with will matter much more than what you did” -TJ Rosene
I have a business coach who likes to say ‘who you become along the way is much more important than what you achieve’. Later, in that same episode, TJ says, “Who is in your corner, and what are they made of?”
I have been blessed with an absolutely incredible assistant coach. She is honest, straightforward, focused, and invested in our program. This woman coached freshmen cheerleading for 7 years waiting for something in the soccer program to open up. She has poured her heart into our players and it shows. She has been my support system when I mess up. Last year after our first game, a player was unhappy with the amount she played, and we lost the game in overtime in the last 2 minutes. It was tough as the head coach, coming off a year we won a state championship, and Steph stayed with me and walked around the track long after sunset talking me off a ledge.
We have the opportunity to help people develop and grow into the versions of themselves they want to be. We have young athletes who are in a pivotal time in their lives, as they discover who their friends are and what their priorities are.
The best we can be are examples, and I think the best we can do as coaches is genuinely love our staff first, and our athletes second. That example of love will penetrate into our team and allow us to see who is in our corner and what they’re made of.
My challenge for you - who are you? What are you made of? How are you changing, growing, and becoming a better example for your kids?
https://open.spotify.com/episode/1RGWUDE6OCj7UkkFMeNv6Z?si=rNBrJAhmQmue7SbTwdyXlg&context=spotify%3Ashow%3A1liEjtAND9ZXxphH0rvUPT&dl_branch=1
I want to have my players be able to run practice without me. I want my captains to be able to run the show in such a way that I don’t need to be there. I want to teach my kids the strategy behind our game and the rationale behind my decisions, so that if I were to disappear, or my voice goes out, or suddenly I can’t SEE what’s going on, they would be completely fine without me.
I want to treat them in sjuch a way that they WANT me at practice. They WANT my input . They WANT my advice, not because i’m the one deciding their playing time, but because they ACTUALLY VALUE IT.
A giant ship's engine broke down and no one could repair it, so they took it to a Mechanical Engineer with over 40 years of experience.
He inspected the engine very carefully, from top to bottom. After seeing everything, the engineer unloaded the bag and pulled out a small hammer.
He knocked something gently. Soon, the engine came to life again. The engine has been fixed!
7 days later the engineer mentioned that the total cost of repairing the giant ship was $ 10,000 to the ship owner
"What ?!" said the owner.
"You did almost nothing. Give us a detailed bill."
The answer is simple:
Tap with a hammer: $ 2
Know where to knock & how much to knock: $ 9,998
My first year coaching freshman basketball, I ran into a situation that I haven't run into since. One of my players was taking terrible shots. I'm talking first pass in, highly guarded, out of her range shots. I finally asked her what was up. And she said that her dad would give her a dollar for every point she scored in a game. Relating to what we talked about yesterday, that was a recipe for disaster. I had to have a talk with the girl, and let her know that's not T-ball, that she was in fact hurting the team by trying to reach her own selfish goal. I wanted to smack the dad. Points are easy to measure. I wish he had use something like rebounds, or screen set, or steals instead of points. It's not me a valuable lesson to talk with my kids, find out there why, and address it as soon as possible.
This farmer, who could understand what the animals said to each other, did linger in the farm yard each evening just to listen to their words. One evening he did hear the ox bemoaning to the ass the hardness of his lot: 'I do labor pulling the plow from morning until night. No matter how hot the day, or how tired my legs, or how the bow doth chafe my neck, still must I work. But you are a creature of leisure. You are trapped with a colorful blanket and do nothing more than carry our master about where he wishes to go. When he goes nowhere you do rest and eat the green grass all the day. "Now the ass, in spite of his vicious heels, was a goodly fellow and sympathized with the ox. 'My good friend, he replied, 'you do work very hard and I would help ease your lot. Therefore, will I tell you how you may have a day of rest. In the morning when the slave comes to fetch you to the plow, lie upon the ground and bellow much that he may say you are sick and cannot work. "So the ox took the advice of the ass and the next morning the slave returned to the farmer and told him the ox was sick and could not pull the plow. "Then,' said the farmer, hitch the ass to the plow, for the plowing must go on.' All that day the ass, who had only intended to help his friend, found himself compelled to do the ox's task. When night came and he was released from the plow his heart was bitter and his legs were weary and his neck was sore where the bow had chafed it. The farmer lingered in the barnyard to listen. The ox began first. 'You are my good friend. Because of your wise advice I have enjoyed a day of rest.' '''And I,;' retorted the ass, am like many another simple hearted one who starts to help a friend and ends up by doing his task for him. Hereafter you draw your own plow, for I did hear the master tell the slave to send for the butcher Were you sick again. I wish he would, for you are a lazy fellow.' Thereafter they spoke to each other no more- this ended their friendship. If you desire to help thy friend, do so in a way that will not bring thy friends burdens upon thyself." Richest man in Babylon page 59 I think our players need to hear this story. They’re teenagers. We ask them to hold each other accountable, push each other, and lift the tide with their efforts. Sometimes they take on the burden’s of their friends in order to carry that weight, and that’s dangerous for them. It can also damage the relationships they share if one person feels slighted.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cROmfTGXEyM
Mike Tyson was on the goal cast podcast, and tells a story of meeting Frank Sinatra in the early 90s, why Tyson was in his prime. Sinatra slyly walked by him as he was leaving the event and he said “listen kid, it’s not how good you’re doing , it’s about how long you’re doing good.”
Any one of us could have a winning season or a fluke game, but consistent ”doing good”, the John Wooden kind, comes from principles, discipline, and culture that makes us , us.
John wooden spent years on his pyramid of success , using it to help define and reach success, which is , quite simply, ‘do your best’.
We can dive into the pyramid a different day..that’s what helps us have long, successful, happy careers, the kind like frank sinatra had.
Adam Bradley is the founder of Lead Em Up, which is a curriculum for developing leaders through team sports. I recently joined the lead em up community, and will certainly keep you all posted on how i like it and how it’s working with our team.
They hosted a webinar yesterday about the art of building connected teams.
Stay with me on this, it’s a good lesson.
Adam uses an exercise called ‘going for gold’ to help players connect with one another. He says often players will hesitate to call a teammate out if they’re not trying their best or something’s going on in his or her life, because ‘i dont know them like that, coach’. That ‘like that’ phrase is important. This exercise is designed to help players get to know each other ‘like that’. So the exercise is simple. You pair them off with people they might not know ‘like that’ and give them 3 minutes to find things they have in common. When they find something they each clap twice and say ‘struck gold’, and then continue ‘mining’. It’s very simple, and he reports that the players love it.
Here’s what I found most interesting though. He says that if he had $20 in one hand and $100 in the other, which would be more valuable? Easily, the $100 is more valuable. But he challenges that and says we could go blow this $100 real quick at chipotle or the video game store , or anywhere else, and then it’s gone. Or we could leave it alone and it’ll stay $100. But with the $20, if we invest it, we can quickly make it worth waaaay more than $100.
His point is that we might have players who make a $100 connection, and those who make a $20 connection. But if the players who make the $20 connection then invest in that relationship (let’s say the both like blue gatorade), now they can connect on that connection. Maybe one brings the other the new flavor of blue gatorade. Or there’s a new flavor out that they go try together. Or they’re the only 2 on the team whose favorite is blue…the possibilities are endless. The point is, that little, seeminlyg insignificant connection can now help your team become filled with players who know each other ‘like that’ .
I will post the replay of the webinar here, it was filled with good nuggets.
Doug Lemov , in his book ‘The Coaches guide to teaching’, he talks a LOT about feedback and on page 139 he says- praise the good when they’ve done it , that way there is no doubt that they CAN do it, they already have ! Now “do it again” rather than, “Do it this way”
When we offer feedback, we tend to overanalyze and over explain, and over talk. Our kids lose focus (look at their eyes next time you’re offering feedback…you’ll know when to stop when you see them get droopy or distracted)
If we can tell those players to ‘do it again’, vs. correcting them with every rep or every other rep, THEY know what it felt like when it was done correctly. They know how low their butt was or how quickly they checked over their shoulder, or how fast they changed direction. We can simply offer them ‘do it again!’ and encourage them.
One other piece on feedback -‘use feedback like a sniper rifle , not a machine gun’. Be specific and suscinct when offering feedback (like a sinper, get it done in 1 quick shot), vs bombarding them with information and hoping something sticks (like a machine gun).
I once was upset at the effort of a few players on the 8th grade travel softball team I was coaching. So, I yelled. I like to think I encouraged loudly, but I yelled. I was just at the start of opening my PT clinic, and felt like if they were going to lolly-gag, why on earth would I waste my time with them at practice?
Then I found out that one of their mom's had passed away from cancer the year before. And I felt like a jerk. I didn't know what that kid was going through as a 13 year old girl without a mom, and I never will.
It’s important to understand that we’re all operating with incomplete information. We know the tip of each other’s icebergs, IF we know that!
Your kids don’t know when you’ve had a tough day, and unless you ask (and they’re honest with you), you don’t know if they had a hard day, a rough night’s sleep, a breakup with their significant other, a failed test, a family or pet death, etc. We are operating on incomplete information , and we have to understand that if we were to get more or different information, our opinions might change, and our attitudes might change with them.
We were on vacation last week, and our dog had an upset stomach one night because he stole a piece of coffee cake off the countertop. We were sharing the house with my brother, and I didn’t want to wake anyone, so I tried to wash my hands in our bathroom, but my husband had locked the door while he was in the shower. I was tired, grumpy, and when I tried to open that door and it was locked, I was really angry with my husband. He was in the shower, so he couldn’t hear me knocking to get in (I couldn't yell because my brother and his kids were asleep), and I couldn’t find the key to the door in the room .
I calmed down, washed my hands in the kitchen, and asked him the next morning, why’d you lock the door?
'That’s just what I always do…I didn’t think about if you needed to get in’. I was not thrilled with his answer. 'That's just what I always do' is a valid excuse, his habit is to lock the door behind him...it's a surface-level of thinking that now I challenge him on in case something like that were to happen again.
Guess who now has a good reason if he locks the door somewhere?
In my PT clinic, I better have a good reason for asking a patient to do an exercise, or get up and down off the ground, or walk every day, or check their blood pressure, or let me stretch them out into sometimes painful ranges of motion. There better be a why, and usually, it better be a good one.
This idea of ‘reasons’ was drilled into me when I was a student and out on my clinical rotations. Every time I’d come up with a plan for a patient, each of my Clinical instructors, whether they were in cahoots with each other or not, I’ll never know, would drill me ‘why this exercsie? Why this many sets? Why that many reps? What if it’s too hard or too easy for them? What if it makes them hurt? What will you tell them if they come in really sore the next day?’
This clinical reasoning is absolutely necessary in medicine and rehabilitation. It forces me to make great decisions on behalf of my patients. It forces me to think in terms of progressions and regressions.
It has bled into other areas of my life. I find myself consistently asking ‘why’ in planning my soccer practices, in conversations with my husband (I’ll always remember when we were talking about getting married, asking him ‘why’ he wanted to get married. He thought I meant why he wanted to marry ME, but I meant married in general. Like , what about our relationship would change if we got married? That was a long conversation that gave me some insight into what he thought marriage was and what we each expected out of it. )
If your players ever asked you ‘coach, why are we doing this?’ you better have a good reason, and you better stick to that reason. If you’re doing a passing drill to work on speed and accuracy, you have to focus on speed and accuracy. You can’t get picky about effort, focus, concentration (of course, all of those things might improve speed and accuracy), you have to make sure you’re getting done what you set out to get done. You have to have a reason and an answer to Why?
I like to assign an ‘objective’ next to each drill in my practice plan. That way I know there’s 1 thing to focus on, and to look for and give feedback on that 1 thing.
My challenge to you is to look for your reasons for why you do a certain drill, behave a certain way, or ask things to be done in a certain way. You better have a good reason. If you don’t, I challenge you to find a good reason and change how you are doing things.
We went to see Billy Joel at MSG a few weeks ago. He was incredible. I told a patient about it, and how the first half of the show was for real billy joel fans (I hardly knew any of the songs), and the second half was all his hits (a giant singalong with 20,000 people). She brought up a good point, in taht he must get kind of bored singing the same songs and playing them performance after performance. Now he’s a professional, and you can tell that he loves performing (he’s 73 with plenty of money, he doesn't’ NEED to be doing concerts still), so I’m sure ‘bored’ isn’t the right word. But that got me thinking. There was a point in this man’s life when he would have killed to be ‘bored’ singing his top hits over and over and over again. My point is you could be doing something we’re trying to do something that in years will seem second nature to you, will not a big deal at all. It’s going to be a big deal. It’s going to be a problem or an amend that you wish for
What are you dealing with today that you wished for yesterday or a few years ago?
I walk my dog a few times a day, and last week was on vacation. He loves to swim (He’s a chocolate lab), and when we’re down the shore, I usually am more lenient on the rules with walking (as there are not as many cars or other dogs/dangers), so I walk him on a very long, 30’ leash. He can roam around, smell, explore a neighbor’s tree or steps, and usually comes back to me. If he sees a person or another dog or animal, he get excited and wants to pull to go greet them (he loves everything and everyone) , but if it’s unsafe or the person feels uncomfortable , I reel in his leash and keep him close so he’s safe and so is everyone else.
There are times I walk him with a prong collar and a 6’ leash. These are his training walks, meant to teach him not to pull, stay in a heel, and focus on me only, no other people or animals.
When we’re out on the water, he doesn’t wear a leash (one because he’d get tangled in it and it’d be dangerous) and 2 because I know he’ll come back to me in the water (he loves his mom and is too afraid to get out of my site when he’s swimming in the bay).
I was walking him this moringa and the concept of ‘having a long leash’ hit me. I have players who get a longer leash than others. They can make 2-3 mistakes , or show poor body language once or twice, before I take them out to help them reset. I have other players I keep on a shorter leash, they get 1-2 mistakes , or the minute their body language changes, I take them out. I dont’ think i have any players who I can let off-leash yet. But the goal is they have enough awareness and self control that I don’t need to put them on a leash at all. I can trust that they’ll regulate themselves and are able to fix the problem, knowing that I’m there to help them, but without needing me to intervene.
I challenge you to look at the leashes you have your players on and question WHY you have them on the length of leash you do.
There was a big storm one day and thousands of starfish washed up on shore. A beach walker was there early in the morning and saw the results of the storm. He knew starfish can’t survive long without water, so he started picking them up one by one and hurling them back into the ocean. There were thousands upon thousands of them, and it took him a few seconds to rescue each one. A bystander watched him for several minutes, confused at how this man possibly thought he was going to save all of these starfish. So he curiously asked him, what on earth are you doing? You know you can’t possibly save all these starfish, there are thousands of them, and only one of you. Most of them will die anyway. You can’t possibly be making a difference.
The walker looked at the bystander, picked up a starfish , and hurled it into the sea. ‘I made a difference for that one’. And continued on.
You’re a coach. And that’s a superpower. You may not realize it, but your kids are like those starfish some days. They’re washed up on the beach , hopeless sometimes, and you have the power to be the bystander, and let them struggle and die, or the walker, and pick them up and give them a chance. I challenge you to be the beach walker, not the bystander.
226 Episodes in, and do you know how easy it is for me to tell anyone i appreciate them? I say it to the mailman, my patients, my players, my AD, my husband and family, my vet, the people who pump my gas, our principle and maintenance staff. Literally everyone. I have to credit Coach Lenny Krebs for that phrase. He signs his e mails with it and a few years ago when we met , he sent me something and it made me feel so valued. So I stole it from him and now that’s how I sign off e mails, my podcast, phone calls, and end of practice huddles.
It’s so easy because I say it literally every time i sign off on a podcast. At first it was awkward to say. ‘I appreciate you’ is not a typical phrase. ‘I appreciate it’, or ‘I appreciate the follow up/concern/service’, is much more common. I appreciate YOU means that I care less about the service, concern, or follow up, and more about you , the PERSON delivering that thing.
I think it’s powerful, I think we need to hear it as a society more, and we need to say it as a society more. I appreciate you.
I challenge you to start saying a phase you've heard and made you feel special and important.
A couple of my kids are struggling with their college essay prompt. My understanding is that they have a lot of freedom to express who they are in those 600 words. They asked me what they should write it on, and I suggested something a little bit morbid. I suggested that they write their own obituary or eulogy. That does two things, number one gives them the opportunity to say Coach Kelley passed away at the ripe age of 104 surrounded by her family and friends. She was a graduate of Catholic University, earned her doctorate physical therapy from MGH IHP (insert their college here)
The other thing it does is it gives them a picture to manifest. It lets them set the terms for their life. It lets them decide what success will look like. Mine sounds like this “She coached hundreds of young women in soccer and basketball, winning several state championships along the way and attending dozens of weddings of her former players. She owned a successful outpatient orthopedic clinic or she helped hundreds of thousands of people recover from injuries and avoid them in the first place. She revolutionized the idea of movement and exercise by encouraging people to move a little bit every day, similar to how they brush their teeth. She was a loving mother, grandmother, and great grandmother. She took great pride in donating both time and money to the Humane Society, The Seeing Eye and gun violence prevention. She officiated at the Division I College women’s level, including a national championship game. She loved her family, her players, her patients, and her dogs. Her memory will live on through her podcast, Every Coach Needs A Coach, and in a scholarship that helps PT students who have been placed in clinical settings that move them across the country at the IHP.
I am bad at surprises and lying. I enjoy being pleasantly surprised, but I startle and scare easily. I tell my kids what our fitness tests are going to be, and try to give them a timeline of when they will be tested on them. The point of the fitness tests is not to see how fast they are. The point of the fitness test is to get them to prepare to take the fitness test. That preparation puts the miles on their legs and the stress on their body that allows them to make it through tryouts and 2.5 months of soccer 5-6 days a week with a significantly reduced risk of injury. I honestly don't care how fast they run a mile. I wanna know that they have run miles and miles and miles in preparing to run that one that I timed them for. I don't care how many push-ups they can do, I want their bodies to be strong so that when they go up against another player for a header, if they get knocked, their body is strong enough to absorb that impact and not get hurt. I strongly suggest that you tell your players with their expected fitness tests are, don't surprise them. And let them know, but the point of the fitness test is to prepare for the fitness test.
I have a patient who I tell about our leader ship council, and he gave me what he meant as a compliment, when he told me well, you are a natural leader. I asked him why he thought that, and he said because I'm very positive and encouraging. And I appreciate his telling me that. It's nice to hear. It made me think of a story that Dr. Gilbert tells when he asks his classes at the beginning of the semester that he will give out an automatic a to any student who can find him a particular obituary.
The obituary Hass to say that whoever the person was achieved all they did in their life, without ever practicing. So for example, Dr. John Smith who is the worlds leading neurosurgeon, he never had to practice, he was a naturally good neurosurgeon. Or, Jane doe was the best selling author, she never made any spelling or grammar mistakes, she was naturally good at writing. Or,Mr. X was a motivational speaker. He never got nervous, or stumbled over his words, or lost his composure, or prepared his speeches. He was a naturally good public speaker. The point is, those obituaries don't exist. Anyone who appears to be naturally good at something, had to put in some kind of work to get exceptional at that thing.
I appreciate that my patient thinks I'm a good leader, I acknowledge that I worked hard to develop the characteristics of a good leader and have the courage to display them.
D Rose spoke to the kids, and I was fortunate enough to listen in. He said that there are over a million 11 year olds playing basketball in America today. 4,000 will play in college somewhere. Of those 4000, 35 make it to the NBA, and of those 35, 5 earn starting spots, and 7 get appreciable playing time, for 4 years or so. Then they’re done.
He pointed to the basketball, and said, ‘Basketball is not who you are. You are all unique people, and basketball doesn’t define you as a person. Your work ethic and your roles in your family, are more important than how good you are at basketball.
If one of the best in the world is willing to say that to a bunch of 11 year olds, we can say it to them too. The Ws and Ls don’t define us as people. How hard we work, how our relationships our with ourselves and with each other are what matter the most.
In a strange and exciting turn of events last night, I met Derrick Rose and Ms. Lauryn Hill. Her son was having a basketball themed birthday party at a local gym here, and they rented the facility thinking that officials came with it. One of my former soccer players works the desk at that gym, and had to break the news to her that there were no refs for their court. In desperation to find one, she texted our bball coach, who texted me, and I happened to be available. I said yes, and in about 15 minutes was over at the gym. This was the 2nd time I’ve been celebrated as a ref for getting to a game. I showed up, shook ms. Hill’s hand, and she introduced me to Derrick Rose. We played a 20 minute game of 5v5, and then Mr. Rose spoke to the kids about making it to the NBA.
If there’s 1 takeaway for coaches from this story, it’s to always be ready. I didn’t wake up that morning expecting that to happen in the evening, but I was available and willing to go have a good time.
The second, is that we can get anything we want, we just have to ask for it. I had just recorded yesterday’s episode about ‘cheaple people’...Ms. Hill told me to name my price for reffing that night. I threw out a number and she didn’t even blink, she paid me on the spot. I just threw that out there into the universe, and it responded. You can have anything you want, you just have to earnestly ask for it.
Myron Golden is a motivation speaker and business coach. I went to a conference where he spoke, and he introduced this concept of ‘cheaple people’ and ‘preple people’. We all know the cheapo people. They're the people who drive an extra five minutes to save two or three cents a gallon on gas. They're the people who complain that their taxes are too high, they're the people who shop around for seven or eight electricians to do one job to make sure they get the best price. They look for commodities, and how they can get the best deal all the time. On the contrary, prequel people have an abundance mindset. They are the people who hired a landscaper to do the lawn. They sit in first class seats on planes. They are happy to pay other people a premium price, because it means they're getting a premium product and result. They go to the nice restaurants. The difference between these two people is their mentality. Cheapo people tend to think within a scarcity mindset, and scarcity mindset means that the record the place in their head says, "there's never enough, there's never enough, there's never enough "opposite to that the record that plays in the head of a person with an abundance mindset says “there’s more than enough, there’s more than enough, there’s more than enough”
How does this apply to coaching? Is there always a problem? There's not enough time in the field? Your kids have bad attitudes? The parents are giving you a hard time? There's not enough money in the budget? You're teaching your kids to have a scarcity mindset. Opposite to that, if you have an abundance mindset, there's always enough time. There's always an answer to a problem, there's always a solution to getting time on the field, or equipment with the budget you have. If you think this way, your kids will think this way too.
Have you ever gone to another country where the native language is not your own? Maybe you took italian in high school , and on your trip to italy, you ask the waiter or waitress in italian ‘where’s the restroom’, what do they do?! They smile this huge smile, and show you right away where it is. They compliment your italian (Even if it stinks!) and they appreciate that you attempted to speak to them in their native tongue.
I can dabble in conversational spanish..and I speak it when I can. Our landscaper at our condo are a few spanish speaking guys, and one day while i was walking our dog, i attempted to tell one of the guys ‘he loves everyone’, and i think i accidentally said ‘he’s in love with everyone’. The guy laughed, corrected me gently, and proceeded to pet my very excited pup.
Language connects us instantly. My challenge for you, is what word or words can you yell out to your team, that ONLY your program understands? Of course, your plays are your own unique language (until someone scouts you and knows what ‘Princeton’ is. But what is unique to YOU, your school, your program? That would instantly connect you and your players?
Gary Chapman is a marriage counselor who wrote the book the 5 love languages. He boils successful marriages down the couple’s ability to recobnisez and then speak in the other person’s love language. The 5 love languages are
1 - words of affirmation
2 - quality time
3- receiving gifts
4- acts of service
5 - physical touch
And if you’re my husband or brother-in-law, the 6th love language is ‘Food’.
Chapman discusses how each of us have a primary way we feel most loved. Your love language may be physical touch, and you may have a partner whose language is ‘words of affirmation’. You could hug, kiss, snuggle them and hold their hand until you’re bursting, but if you don’t know that a compliment makes them feel loved, their emotional tank will be drained quickly. That’s the most helpful concept I took away while I read that book (which happened to be on our honeymoon).
How’s your tank? Began to be the phrase I could ask Nick to make sure he was feeling loved by me. His love language is quality time. That’s tough to get when your wife coaches 2 sports and runs a business. So, we make sure that the time we do get together is high quality time. No phones, no distractions. Just us. And there are ALWAYS points during the season where his tank is low, so we make sure we carve out a date night or 2 and have dinner together or take a walk with the dog.
Hows your tank became a phrase within our marriage that might sound funny to an outsider, but to us makes total sense.
As a side note, I ask my kids how they feel most appreciated, and use these 5 languages as my example. That way I know how to best fuel them and let them know I do appreciate them.
John Gordon’s book The No Complaining Rule is an anecdote of a woman at a company whose employees are unhappy, she has a potential cancer diagnosis, and her husband recently left her and her 2 teenage kids. In Chapter 6, she says to her daughter ‘dont be such a complainer…you sound like the people i work with.” “complainer! Complainer! Youre calling me a complainer? Countered her strong willed 17 year old daughter. Thats all you do is complain. You walk in the door and complain about yoru job. You complain about the people complaining to you. Then you get on the phone with grandma and aunt pam and complain to them for most of the night..all you do is talk about how bad life is. “
This is our week on language, so I want to acknowledge how complaining sounds. The words often draw comparisons, draw on past experiences which were better, and blame others for our circumstances.
Have your players listen out for complaints, and have them call one another out on it when they hear it. Maybe put together a coalition of ‘complaining police’ who point out when someone is complaining about something and call them out on it with a simple ‘wee woo!’
There is a time and place for venting. We all need to let it out. On our teams, that place is privately to captains or coaches, not in front of the whole group.
In his Book Legacy, James Kerr studies the All Blacks, the most successful professoinal sports team of our times. They have a victory rate of 86%. It’s a great book on culture and successful team building.
He devotes an entire chapter to language. He introduces that in 1999, the team and it’s results were slipping, so the managers wrote a book that was ‘a system of meanings that everyone understood, a language and vocabulary and set of beliefs that bound the group together”
Mottos and mantras can shape who we are “Shrewd leaders invent a unique vocabulary as shorthand for communicating new cultural norms and standards, using specific words, phriass, mottos and mantras…in this way, language becomes the oxygen that sustains belief, leaders rewrite the future” pg 154 , legacy
Defined as a system of communication used by a particular country or community. A SYSTEM. Where you work , there’s a language. In the profession of physical therapy, only other physical therapists know what a goniometer is. ROM is short for range of motion. T tests and Tinetti’s have special meaning to us, and they’re gibberish to other professions. Yours is taht way too, I promise you that you use words every day that ONLY your profession appreciates.
Our teams are the same way. My kids know what a Man U is. They know what power circles are and locker buddies. Every Caldwell girls soccer player since the program’s inception knows what those things are. The common language unites us across generations of players. There’s beauty and poetry in that.
Every culture has a language. That’s how they tell their stories and pass on their traditions. Words evoke emotions and effort.
Are you consciously aware of the effect your language has on your players? Are you cultivating a place where certain words mean certain things, that ONLY your kids know?
I went to officials Camp again earlier this week, and Cass Beverly was one of the clinicians there. He is right now in the NBA G league, and will likely make it all the way to the NBA as an official. He said something that stood out to me. He said good officials get themselves out of situations that great officials would never have gotten into in the first place. I asked him to tell me more about that and he noted a game that he did five years ago at the division one or two level, it was a three point game, with maybe 30 seconds or so left. He called a foul, and didn't realize that the clock continue to run for three or four seconds. He forgot to glance up at the clock after he blew his whistle. So the opposing coach starts yelling at him, Mr. official, four seconds came off the clock get that time back on please. There is no replay at that level, so Katz was stuck because he did not have to finish of knowledge, and neither did his partners, of the clock continuing to run. 13 proceeded to lose the game, and when cast looked at the replay, sure enough, the time did come off the clock and his partners didn't catch it. He missed it, and managed to get out of the game alive, but now it's a habit where when he blows his whistle he glances at the clock.
You could replace official with just about any profession in that sentence. A good accountant get some selves out of situation is that a great accountant never gets into in the first place. A good physical therapist get some selves out of situation is that a great physical therapist would never get into in the first place. As we get experience as coaches, we realize the good coaches can get out of situations that great coaches would've never gotten into in the first place. My challenge for you is to reflect on the situation that happened once, and that you'll never let happen again. Start asking coaches that question and learning from them, because our careers are too short to make all our own mistakes.
Have you guys seen the pictures from the James Webb telescope? These are the clearest, most beautiful , accurate photos we have of the galaxy. These coming out reminded me of a conversation I had last month with my soccer seniors. We We're talking about Captains, I have 10 capable seniors who have played soccer together just about their whole lives. One of them mentioned that she wants it to feel like all of them are leading the team, no matter who gets named as a captain. It made me think of an idea i heard about , i dont exactly remember where or when, that leadership in organizations should feel like a constellations as opposed to ‘pyramids’ or ‘heirechys’ - of course, we need organizaiton and titles to help the outside world understand who is ‘in charge’, my challenge for you is that those in your organization all have an opportunity to shine. Maybe consider it like a game of connect the dots, that makes a wonderful picture, vs. a pyramid or ladder where there are competing thoughts.
There is no WINNING at a concert. The pure JOY is in the thing itself. The pure joy is in the music itself. Even if you go see an artist you love, to hear the 1 song you LOVE, when that song comes on, you don’t ever want it to end, and when it does, you don’t ask to hear it again. You appreciate it while it’s happening.
Our games are like songs in a concert. We are lucky that we get a whole setlist that is a season. Each game has it’s own story, ebbs and flows, and crescendos. Try to treat your games like a song at a concert. Appreciate them while they’re happening, revel in them when they’re over, and celebrate the next one that plays.
There are some people who will find the good in everything, and there are some people who will find the bad and everything. I had a patient who went to greece last summer with his whole family. They went in July, so it was going to be hot. They were gone for 2 weeks, and when they came back, I asked how it was. The FIRST and really ONLY thing they said, “Greece was too hot.”
Not delicious. Not historical. Not beautiful. Not Fun. HOT.
There are some people who you could put on an all inclusive island for a month and then come back and you ask how it was and they'll tell you that the drinks were to water down where the drinks were too strong or the sand was too hot, and there are people who you could put in a cardboard box in the woods for a month, come back and ask them how it was, and they'll tell you how beautiful the stars were and a lovely the sound of the birds in the morning was. You will have players, we all have who are like these two types of People. I say it all the time, the best we can be as examples, be the kind of coach who sees the beauty and the stars, and appreciates the sound of the birds. Find the good in your kids.
One day a very wealthy father took his son on a trip to the country for the sole purpose of showing his son how it was to be poor. They spent a few days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. After their return from the trip, the father asked his son how he liked the trip. “It was great, Dad,” the son replied. “Did you see how poor people can be?” the father asked. “Oh Yeah,” said the son. “So what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father. The son answered, “I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.” The boy’s father was speechless. Then his son added, “It showed me just how poor we really are.” Too many times we forget what we have and concentrate on what we don’t have. What is one person’s worthless object is another’s prize possession. It is all based on one’s perspective. Sometimes it takes the perspective of a child to remind us what’s important. This ties in with our Italy is too hot story, and our peacock and crow story. Watch what happens when your perspective changes, your reality will start to change too. If you played this game where you compared your team with another team, you would gladly go back to the problems you think you have as a coach.
A practical exercise for improving your self-talk
You need : a piece of paper, a timer, a cell phone
Write your name on the paper
take 5 minutes to write down all the things you're good at
call a close friend or family member, give them 30 seconds to tell you all the things they think you're good at. You don't get to say anything, just write down all they say
take those 2 things, write down 10 strengths you have as a leader and as a person.
Copy your list of 10 onto an index card
Tape that index card somewhere you’ll see it every day (mirror, headboard, door of your room)
SAY OUT LOUD THOSE 10 THINGS at LEAST once a day
Story
http://www.dailytenminutes.com/2015/08/story-happy-bird.html
A Crow was absolutely satisfied in life. But one day he saw a swan...This swan is so white and I am so black...crow thought.This swan must be the happiest bird in the world. He expressed his thoughts to the swan.
"Actually," the swan replied, "I was feeling that I was the happiest bird around until I saw a parrot, which has two colors. I now think the parrot is the happiest bird in creation." The crow then approached the parrot. The parrot explained, "I lived a very happy life—until I saw a peacock. I have only two colors, but the peacock has multiple colors."
The crow then visited a peacock in the zoo and saw that hundreds of people had gathered to see him.
After the people had left, The crow approached the Peacock.. Dear Peacock, You are so beautiful. Every day thousands of people come to see you. When people see me, they immediately shoo me away. I think you are the happiest bird on the planet. The peacock replied, I always thought that I was the most beautiful and happy bird on the planet. But because of my beauty, I am entrapped in this zoo. I have examined the zoo very carefully, and I have realized that the crow is the only bird not kept in a cage. So for past few days I have been thinking that if I were a crow, I could happily roam everywhere.
That's our problem too.
We make unnecessary comparison with others and become sad.
We don't value what God has given us.
This all leads to the vicious cycle of unhappiness.
Value the things God has given us.
Learn the secret of being happy and discard the comparison which leads only to unhappiness..
Comparison is the thief of joy.
We're coming up on my third wedding anniversary. We had a brunch wedding, but I thought it was a lot of fun. I asked my friends after if they had fun, they said to me if someone didn't have fun at your wedding, it was their own fault. That was a good enough answer for me
I want my practice is to be run the same way. It's my job to provide an environment where my kids can have the best possible athletic experience. When we practice, they will get out of it what they put into it.
If they don't get better that day I want it to be because it was on their end, not because of anything I did.
I give every kid the same number of reps and opportunities. I offered them to go at whatever intensity they can handle.
If they don't get better at practice, I want it to be their fault, not because i didn’t plan. Not because i talked for 45 minutes, not because i instructed them poorly or too much or too little. If they got better, it’s because they had an environment to get better in. If they didn’t, it’s because they didn’t take advantage of that environment
I can still remember my birthday wish from when I was eight years old. I wished to play in the WNBA. That was 1998. WNBA started in 1996. I didn't make it to the WNBA. I did play division two and three college basketball. Having that wish, and the capacity to make it, shapes the way that I made decisions and spent my time as a young person. If I was born five years earlier, the WNBA would not have existed on my eighth birthday. My trajectory as an athlete might have changed without something like that to aspire to.
I tell you the story because one of my incoming freshmen told me last week that she wants to play soccer for Stanford. Good Lord, that's a lofty goal. I'm a firm believer that you can do anything you put your mind to, so if she wants to do that she can.
What I know will happen immediately, is that kid is gonna get good grades. That kid is gonna make good decisions, so as to not put herself at risk for not getting into Stanford. Even if she doesn't get into Stanford, she'll play at a great school somewhere. Pointers, The point is, that 13 year old kid is making choices because Stanford has a women's soccer team.
You don't know which kids are aspiring to be on your team, and their decisions that they're making with that goal in mind. Just know that as a coach of sports, we hold tremendous responsibility to help our players and future players make good decisions.
My challenge for you, and it's hard as an adult, is to look at what you're aspiring to. What's your last birthday wish? You wished for that because you knew it could happen. My question to you is what are you doing to make sure that it does?
When I was taking organic chemistry in college, it was very clear that was a weed out class. Anyone who wants to be a physician, or a healthcare provider typically have to take that course. It has a physical therapist there have been exactly 0 days that I have used anything I learned in organic chemistry, with one exception.
That exception is the resiliency behind doing hard things. Most people quit organic chemistry after they get their first 40 or lower on an exam. After that first semester, enrollment typically goes from 40 to 60 students down to 30 to 50. Those who make it through the second semester with at least a C or D grade, typically graduate with their biology, or chemistry, or pre-medical degree, and go on to medical school, or dental school, or physical therapy school.
Then, once they're in graduate school, there is another set of weed out classes. These are designed for two reasons number one the information is actually relevant to the profession, so it's important that it's learned and understood. Second, if you can't pass that class, you certainly can't handle patient care. You're not cut out for that profession.
I heard it said once that the walls are put up to see who is willing to bust through them, climb over them, dig underneath them, or run around them.
I tell our incoming freshmen that high school soccer is 2 to 2 1/2 hours a day, 5-6 days a week. That is sometimes enough to ‘weed out’ those who are not willing or able to make that commitment.
Then I tell them what the expectations are on our fitness tests. Soccer is a running sport. The average player, run 6 miles during a game. I don't run them for the sake of running them, I run them because we need to prepare them adequately for the demands of the game. When they find out those expectations, some are unwilling or unable to meet those demands. That's another version of ensuring we get the right people in our program.
I'm sure you have your own version of those. My challenge for you is to verbalize those to your players. Be transparent with them, and let them know that you want to see who can make it through the challenges, to call them self hey Caldwell girl soccer player.
A father said to his daughter “You have graduated with honors, here is a Jeep I bought many years ago. It is pretty old now. But before I give it to you, take it to the used car lot downtown and tell them I want to sell it and see how much they offer you for it.” The daughter went to the used car lot, returned to her father and said, “They offered me $1,000 because the said it looks pretty worn out.” The father said, now “Take it to the pawn shop.” The daughter went to the pawn shop, returned to her father and said,”The pawn shop offered only $100 because it is an old Jeep.” The father asked his daughter to go to a Jeep club now and show them the Jeep. The daughter then took the Jeep to the club, returned and told her father,” Some people in the club offered $100,000 for it because “it's an iconic Jeep and sought by many collectors.” Now the father said this to his daughter, “The right place values you the right way,” If you are not valued, do not be angry, it means you are in the wrong place. Those who know your value are those who appreciate you......Never stay in a place where no one sees your value. Credit: Unknown When I was a sophomore in college, I didn't play a lot of minutes on my basketball team. I was consistently told I was the hardest worker we had, I had the highest GPA on the team (As an honors biology student), and my head coach's first year was my first year, so she didnt recruit me or any of my classmates. When it became clear that I wasn't going to play a lot my next 2 years, I knew something had to change. So I transferred schools and finished my athletic and academic career at Catholic University. I want our players to feel like that $100,000 jeep. I want them to feel like they're in an environment they're valued and worth something when they're in our program.
Jon Tyson is a pastor, I came . I across via Adam Bradley on Twitter. He Rights "I would see my kids doing the wrong thing, and lecture, lecture, lecture. I would start in a nice tone, then wrap them up the intensity as their eyes glazed over. Then I would start to nag. I'd nag when they woke up, in the car, when they got home, when they were home, when they went to bed. What a beat down of a culture. Who wants to live in a world like that? Nagging is one of the lowest forms of parenting. Nagging creates an emotional field that repels our kids away from us. The worst thing was I was nagging them and things I was inconsistent. Then he got called out by his wife who said, you inspire people for a living, start inspiring your kids. Inspiration, not nagging was about to come home.
Less lectures, more vision, less bothering, more modeling. Less telling, more showing. Let's demand, more invitations. Effect was almost immediate and brought a totally different result. Stop trying to get my kids to just do the right thing, and focused on helping them become the right people. I change from behavioral compliance to heart inspiration. I wanted my kids to follow me not to nag them into compliance. I started to cast a vision that they wanted to be a part of, tell the story they wanted to be in, lived in a way that can tell them to follow.
Tell a story your team wants to be a part of. Offer invitations instead of demanding. Invitations are INCLUSIVE, and my kids have told me that inclusivity is the MOST important thing they look for in leaders.
When I was An intern in Boston for my last year of physical therapy school, a patient came in with $100 gift card for me and the two other therapist that work there to say thank you for getting him back to golfing without pain. I remember saying to my clinical instructor, Ryan, This is a lot of money, are we allowed to accept this? I'll never forget his answer. He said Cal, I don't wanna live in a world where people can't express their gratitude how they want to. That was a very generous gesture, certainly not expected, but who are we to turn that down if that's how he wants to say thank you?
I've let this bleed into other areas of my life, when I'm out to dinner with friends or family, and they insist on paying the check, I always offer at least once, but if they turn it down, I'll let them do it. And then I get the next one. If someone offers to help me in something, I let them because it gives them the opportunity to be of service. I encourage my kids that when we fall down to always go pick each other up, and it always bothers me if the kid who fell shakes off the teammates who went to help her. I'm going to start to encourage that kid who's on the ground To always, always take the hands that are helping. It's a good lesson on the field, and a good lesson off the field. My challenge to you is twofold, number one who wants to help you but you're not letting? Who's got their hand out to get you up, but you've shaken them off? Let them help you
Number two, who have you been reaching out to to help up who is turning you down? Explain to them that you want to serve them and encourage them to let you help them.
Luke 10:1-23
At church this weekend, the Gospel passage read was about how jesus sent 72 people out in pairs on his behalf to share God’s word. He gave them very few instructions, telling them to take very few things, and accept any food or drink offered to them in the places they go. Jesus, being jesus, probably could have done it all himself. Instead, he delegated. He made those people feel included and a part of something bigger than themselves. He sent them in pairs, who knows actually why, but probably so they would not feel alone, and would have someone else there to support them.
My challenge for you is to pair your kids and give them a task to accomplish together, something simple, like make sure they check on a teammate, or check in to see how everyone’s medical clearance is going, or making sure they get to weight room or conditioning together),
Dale Carnegie's book how to Win friends and influence people is one of my favorites. On page 177 he talks about how to win people into your way of thinking, and offers a few strategies. One line stands out to me is "nothing will work in all cases and nothing will work with all people "it reminds me that even though my messages the same throughout my contacts and what I share with my kids, I have to find different ways to say it. There are stories that I leave out of Podcasts, or ideas that don't resonate with me necessarily. This quote reminds me that I should still share them, because they might resonate with someone else even if they have it work for me. My challenge for you is to look at your message, how do you send it, and see if you can change something so that it might resonate with your athletes in a new and more meaningful way.
Luke Combs is a country singer I like. He just released a new song called doing this. The opening line is "someone asked me once in an interview what was growing up like where do you go to school, and what would you do if you weren't doing this?
https://open.spotify.com/track/4GyD3o5hWoyCuYpdlzZlRL?si=464a1fabd3464214
He answers that he’d still be doing this, if he wasn’t doing this.
That's my challenge for my players this season. If they weren't at soccer practice, would they be at home in the backyard kicking a soccer ball around? Would they find a friend to shoot on? Would they have another group so they could go through highs and lows with? They should still be doing this, even if they're not doing this on our team. That's how I know we have the right kids in the program.
Someone asked me once in an interview
"What was growing up like, where'd you go to school?
And what would you do if you weren't doin' this?"
I'd be drivin' my first car, an old worn-out Dodge
Tryin' to make rent with a dead end job, just makin' due
With tips in a jar, my guitar and an old barstool
I'd have a Friday night crowd in the palm of my hand
Cup of brown liquor, couple buddies in a band
Singin' them same damn songs like I am now
I'd be feelin' on fire on a hardwood stage
Bright lights like lightning runnin' through my veins
At the Grand Ole Opry or a show in some no-name town
I'd still be doin' this if I wasn't doin' this
I'd still be the same guy they knew back in the day
Who was burnin' CDs just to give away
Payin' his dues if I wasn't doin' this
Five deep in a van, head full of steam
Hot on the heels of my neon dreams maybe comin' true
Livin' this life just like I was born to do
I'd have a Friday night crowd in the palm of my hand
Cup of brown liquor, couple buddies in a band
Singin' them same damn songs like I am now
I'd be feelin' on fire on a hardwood stage
Bright lights like lightning runnin' through my veins
At the Grand Ole Opry or a show in some no-name town
I'd still be doin' this if I wasn't doin' this
It ain't about the fame
It ain't about the fortune
It ain't about the name
It ain't about the glory
I guess I'm sayin' it's always been about
Having a Friday night crowd in the palm of my hand
Cup of brown liquor, couple buddies in a band
Singin' them same damn songs like I am now
I'd be feelin' on fire on a hardwood stage
Bright lights like lightning runnin' through my veins
At the Grand Ole Opry or a show in some no-name town
I'd still be doin' this if I wasn't doin' this
Someone asked me once in an interview
"What was growing up like, where'd you go to school?
And what would you do if you weren't doin' this"
Jeff Jansen is a sports psychologist who has worked with college and professional teams and has a leadership program and books on developing teams, culture, and leaders.
He was on Brian Cain’s podcast (Link below) and spoke to how the coach at UNC baseball Vacated every Wednesday of fall ball to teambuilding activities. And the coach admitted he felt like he was going to get behind because they were not spending time on the field. That spring, they played for the national championship. They ended up losing, and the coach credits the fact that they got that far to the investment they made in building their team in the off-season. They dedicated that Wednesday to becoming a team, rather than developing their baseball skills. He mentioned that he had a team that played for each other, not just with each other.
Jeff Jansen Frames this as an investment. I intend to at least talk about the stock market and investing with my kids this year. The whole idea of investing as you put something aside, with the intention that it will grow and help you down the line. Not that it will necessarily help you or feel good right now. My challenge for you is to look at the things that you do, and decide what's gonna give you compound interest. I like to use the example with Soccer. It doesn't matter how good we are at shooting the ball or scoring goals, if we can't receive it, and move with it We won't get a chance to get the ball close enough to the goal to show how good we are shooting and scoring. If we spend the first few days of practice emphasizing receiving the ball and possessing it, weeks later that skill will have gotten better, and will have gotten us more chances to put the ball in the net. My challenge for you is to decide personally and in your coaching world what skills are you going to collect compound interest on?
https://open.spotify.com/episode/5kUJmxZYHk0UC6PdBNTe1R?si=0aa8f7e88834451b
This is a great excerpt from a longer podcast from Craig Groeschel
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0xOTO6dh7JHUxflbxx0AiR?si=382055d9a3154fa4
Where he challenges us that leadership is not what we do, leadership is an identity. A leader is who we are. Our character matters. The example we set matters. What we do and who we are when no one is looking should be the same person as when 10000 eyes are on us.
Look at the example you’re setting for your athletes, and see if it’s in line with what you expect of them.
For the first time we are doing the weight room and speed and agility with the girls soccer team. One of the incoming freshmen who is very enthused and a nice kid asked me after we had completed one of our speed drills, "Coach Kelley, how do I get faster? "I smiled and told her that it will come. There's lots of drills that we can do, I told her to remember the ones that we were doing today and then I would send them out to the kids so that they can do them on their own, and that she should time herself in a 40 yard dash today and then again in six weeks. She also asked me for drills to do, Yoga videos to watch. I love her enthusiasm and appreciate her willingness to put the work in and get better. I had to remind her, and myself constantly and we don't have to get it all done right now. This weight room and speed and agility work, are going to look ugly this year. And that's OK. As coaches we sometimes feel like there's so much to do, and we wanna shove it all down their throats, and we don't have to.
I took a risk and let my kids name leadership seminars that we're doing. It's something that I want them to own and feel like they're a part of, I thought it would come up with something that had to do with leader ship, or some kind of acronym for Chiefs lead, but instead they wanna call it how you brewin because we host it in a local coffee shop every week.
That's my challenge for you, offer your kids something to take some ownership of, and then be OK with whatever they come up with.
I went to Referee camp and one of our clinicians advised us that we will get out of this what we put into it. It was such a simple way and phrase to remind us that he was not going to coach our effort. We are grown adults, who spend time away from our family and friends and paid a little bit of money to go to this camp. He advised us that we could sit on the sidelines while we were not officiating and BS with the other officials, or we could stand next to him and the other clinicians and listen to the feedback they were giving the officials on the floor. I learned so much from sitting in their pockets, questioning them about that feedback, and then attempting To apply it almost immediately when it was my turn to go back out on the floor. I got so much out of that few hours because I put so much into it. When we have practices, some of our players will get better, and some will not. That has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with them.
192 - being coached
I went to an officials camp last night, and remembered what it was like to be coached in a physical activity.
I have business coaches. I have mentors in coaching. I’m not one for personal trainers or fitness instructors, so I don’t have much experience in the ways of being physically coached after I finished my playing days.
It felt so good!
More seasoned officials were guiding me through games. Adjusting my positioning, offering me feedback during and after my runs.
I LOVED it. Because I like getting better. I like being coached. I like being part of a team of officials who are responsible and doing their best.
It was a good reminder to me that feedback matters, engagement matters, and those seasoned officials, who honestly were not being paid and have no real investment in me, care about the game and making it better.
My challenge to you - try a new physical skill! Get a coach in it. Pick up a tennis racquet or golf club and watch a youtube video on how to swing it better. Get in your players shoes again and remember what it’s like to learn.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0RdO8qHC3Zjsf2Q7ztSXaw?si=37dRzCwQQOK1D-X57ayDog&context=spotify%3Ashow%3A2WAKqwVDMgKuDli91VMchb
Listen to 8:25-10:00 of that clip. Share it with your kids
The Dash by Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on the tombstone
From the beginning...to the end
He noted that first came the date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years
For that dash represents all the time
That they spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved them
Know what that little line is worth
For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars...the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.
So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering this special dash
Might only last a little while
So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent YOUR dash?
Every morning I walk our dog through the cemetery that we live by and it’s quiet and it’s peaceful and safe and coach last week who reminded me of a poem called the dash and I don’t want to read the whole poem, but the gist of it is what do you do with the time that’s on your head stone that that appears in between the day you were born in the day that you died. so there’s that –… 1924-2000 or 1928 - 2016 and it might get a little morbid but what do you do with that little imprint you get to leave on the planet ?
I was trying to think of how we could apply that to sport and every sports team has a dash. It’s not the lifespan of the team, the Dash is the record, so if you go 20-3 or 4-16 or 8-6-1, the dashes are who you’ve become over the course of the season. They tell a much bigger story than the numbers in front of or behind it. It’s what we do in between the wins and looses and what we do over the course of a season that really defines how it went.
If you're feeling overwhelmed, just remember you don't have to do everything at once. Start with one.
My dad has taught me a lot in my life, and one of my favorite phrases that he uses, is "you can't be anyone other than who you are "along that line, he always taught us to try to be like a role models, but don't try to be your role model. The closest you'll come is being the second best version of them, go be the best version of you. Happy Father's Day to all of our dads!
Steve Cohen's Win The Crowd is the most influential book of my life. I read it at 16 and was able to practically apply his strategies to develop the confidence of a magician. The first 'Maxim of Magic' is Be Bold. I encourage all of us as coaches to be bold and be examples to our kids.
John Maxwell in 'Leaders Made Here' describes the concept of 'pay now, play later' vs. 'Play now, pay later'
Life has a price, the good news is we get to decide how much we pay for it. We control our experiences and our response to those experiences. This concept is relevant to us as coaches and for our players because of how we spend our time in the off season. Do we spend it ONLY relaxing? Do we spend it ONLY preparing? Do we BALANCE those two as best we can?
We can pay now (put in the work , get up early, hit the gym, stay on top of our finances and health, etc) and play later (enjoy ourselves and the fruits of our labor), or we can PLAY now (relax, sit back, not take care of our bodies, spend all our money, etc) and PAY later (spend our Time worrying about finances, our health, our outcomes, etc).
A college professor goes up to his whiteboard and starts doing simple math problems..1+1=2 , 1+2=3, 1+3=4, etc. and he gets to 10+1 = 12
Right away, hands shoot up , and the students in his class jump down his throat. "Professor, Professor, you got that last one wrong!"
He turns around and asks what they mean and for them to clarify. He calls them out and says to them, 'none of you said a word while I was banging out the easy ones and getting them right, but the moment I got an easy one wrong, you called me out and jumped down my throat for it"
That's the simple story that has a few deeper meanings if we choose to examine it.
1 - Once we get to a certain level, it is EXPECTED of us to get the easy ones right. College freshman playing division 1 ball? She should make a wide open layup. kindergartner playing for the first time? she should NOT make a layup, and if she does, it's a huge deal! Take that same college freshman who misses a wide open layup, and her coaches, teammates, media, whoever, is going to jump down her throat for missing what she was EXPECTED to make.
2 - When we DO get the easy ones, we are not necessary going to CELEBRATE that 1+1=2 accomplishments. you may not get PRAISED for doing the BASELINE level of work or results. Now, if 1+1=2 is a really , really hard concept for you (and this is all relative..maybe it's dribbling with your non-dominant hand or foot, or finishing around the basket or goal, or completing a backhand cleanly), and you DO get it, YEAH, we're going to celebrate that.
So it's all relative. Just know that your teammates and coaches are going to know you best and are going to communicate their expectations with you.
“Players think - “Play me and I’ll show you”. Coaches think - “Show me and I’ll play you” - Shaka Smart
This boils down to expectations. Many conflicts (in relationships (think spouses/players/coaches/bosses/employees/...fill in the blank) arise from unclear or unmet expectations.
So players expect , well, if you play me, I can show you what I can do. and Coaches expect, well, show me what you can do, and THEN I'll play you (or play you more).
Everyone in the organization wants the team to be successful. The goal is the same. Our mentality needs to be aligned. Everyone in the organization wants everyone IN the organization to be operating at their highest capacity, and THIS is the common ground, and how we get there looks different.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/6acpB3x1c0Z85ollXSnzQy?si=667e8f099beb44ad
Jon Gordon with Alec Ingold, and my reflection on part of their conversation
It has always bothered me when you listen to any person who is accomplished something be interviewed immediately after. Inevitably the reporter asks did you ever think you'd get here? And maybe it's their response in the moment, or maybe it's really true, but they always answer, not in 1 million years.
I find that incredibly hard to believe. If they honestly thought not in 1 million years that I'd be in that position, and I absolutely would not be in that position. Some part of them at some point along their journey, believed that they would do the thing they just did. In this episode I referenced a conversation that John Gordon had with Alec Ingold. It is a very small sample size, representative of every other interview I've heard where that question is asked. Honestly if you've seen an interview for the answer something other than that or something to that effect, please, please, please send it to me! Drcoachkelli@gmail.com
Lauren Ammon was an energetic 5 year old who fell in love with swimming after her mom tossed her into the pool with her 2 big sisters. She swam for 17 years, including at the college level at Eastern Michigan University. After realizing that law school was not in her cards, she started a career in HR. Just before the 2020 Olympics, she considered a career change, realizing that high level athletes often are not trained in the mental aspect of their game and performance. She then saw Michael Phelps do a commentary where he made a plea for governing bodies and organizations and professionals to support the mental health of their athletes, and Lauren saw this as her new calling.
She now runs her own coaching business, "Performance Reimagined" where she helps athletes and coaches train their minds like they train their bodies.
In this episode, we discuss the pressures that are put on athletes to perform , 'cracks in their foundations' of mental performance and health, and the power of athletics to bring people and organizations together and potentially serve as a platform for discussions around our own mental health and potential shortcomings.
Lauren makes some great points about creating our own definitions of what winning means for us, how our Gold, Silver and Bronze performances look like both for our athletes and for us as coaches.
My favorite and most tangible takeaway was her thoughts on what effective coaches do to separate wins and losses from the emotional and mental care from their athletes, and the best question coaches can ask their athletes (spoiler alert--- it's "what is the 1 thing you want me to know in order to coach you more effectively?" ...followed up by "what does that mean to you or look like to you"") * this is GOLD, folks! *
Lauren was a goldmine of knowledge and insight. I'm sure you'll find her resources and thoughts to be tremendously valuable.
Keep getting better every day!
To get in touch with Lauren find her through her website or Linkedin
https://www.laurenammon.com
https://www.laurenammon.com//guaranteedwin
https://www.linkedin.com/in/laurenammon/
Mark Twain said “Good judgement is the result of experience, and experience the result of bad judgement”
How stinking true is this? We make decisions based on perceived information and the meaning that we give to our past experiences.
I have had countless times where I’ve said to myself or my best friend, ‘wow, I misjudged that one’. I misjudged someone’s reaction, (sometimes my own), or mis judged a player’s potential or performance or capability to respond to a situation they were in on the field or court.
When something goes wrong, we often say, well, ‘it was a good experience’. Or “Oh well, that’s how we gain experience” .
This applies especially when we’re looking at jobs. In my 20s, when my peers who were not becoming Physical Therapists were looking for jobs, it was hard for them because companies wanted employees with EXPERIENCE. That means they were busy making bad judgements on their own , or some other employer’s time!
You have to have experiences in order to develop better judgement. And in order to gain those experiences, you HAVE to mis judge some things and even sometimes execute POOR judgement! You have to MISS in order to LEARN.
We must LEARN from these experiences in order to GAIN the good judgement and insights. This is another way of saying, some lessons, we have to learn the hard way!
Definition : the ability to make good decisions about what should be done the act or process of forming an opinion or making a decision after careful thought : the act of judging something or someone an opinion or decision that is based on careful thought Judegment here is defined as an ABILITY! An ability! If something is an ability, that means we can be good at it or bad at it, AND we can IMPROVE it with deliberate practice (Just like if we ask a player to improve their dribbling or shooting ABILITY)
Someone hired a helper; but just before she reported to work, he heard some bad reviews about her from a former employer. When the girl came to work, instead of writing her off, the man said, “Nellie, I spoke the other day to a woman you used to work for. She said you were honest and reliable, a good cook and good at caring for the children. But she also said you were sloppy and never kept the house clean. Now, I think she was lying. You dress neatly, anybody can see that. And I’ll bet you keep the house just as neat as your person. You and I are going to get along fine.” And they did – because he had given Nellie a good reputation and an ideal image to live up to. Another story is the little boy who wet his bed. This was when the little boy had to share a bed with his grandmother, and he consistently was wetting the bed every night. Sometimes he knew he was doing it too, and he STILL wet the bed! So (kind of combining the succling calf and the housemaid stories), the boy’s mother and father dressed him up and took him to the furniture store to pick out his own bed and mattress. They introduced him to the salesman and told him ‘this young man is here to pick out his own bed’, and the salesman treated the boy as if he was a distinguished grown up. He showed the boy all different kinds of beds, and when the boys parents saw one they liked, they winked at the salesman, who told the boy just how wonderful this particular bed was, the kind of wood it was made out of and the tools that made it. The boy proudly selected that bed. When it was delivered, the boy’s father said to him, ‘surely, a young man like you is too mature and grown up to wet this bed!’ and the little boy agreed. This bed was his own, one he picked out himself, and he took pride in that , so he was going to treat it well. He got a fine reputation to live up to, AND everyone got what they wanted without an utter of conflict. I love doing this with my players (and even my patients!) I basically tell them ‘I believe you have it in you to accomplish XYZ, and with the right effort and guidance, you can do it’.
This is a story from Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People - Ralph Waldo Emerson and his son were trying to get a calf into the barn (which was what they wanted). Emerson pushed and his son pulled, but the calf merely stiffened his legs and stubbornly refused to leave the pasture. Along came the Irish housemaid, who intuitively considered what the calf would want. She placed her maternal finger in the calf’s mouth, and let the calf suck her finger as she gently led him into the barn. The outcome here is what everyone wanted. Emerson and his son wanted the calf in the barn. The calf belonged in the barn (whether it knew it or not..it was safe, provides shelter, offers warmth, protects it from being stolen..the list goes on and on) Sometimes our players are like that calf. We know where they need to go. We know they need to work hard. We know they need to box out, or keep the ball out of a certain player’s hands, or dive on the floor for a ball. We often teach them in the ways that we were taught, without considering a few things. First off…Is my way the best way? Do I have resources here who might be able to influence these kids in a different, and perhaps better way than I can? Second (and my preference here), do the KIDS have a better way? They’re the ones out there playing, and if they decide how to accomplish the goal, the OWNERSHIP they can take will help them stick with it. We ALWAYS commit more to executing something we helped plan or decide. Our influence here can be one of belief. By allowing the kids to explore methods for success, we tell them ‘I believe in you. I’m here to guide you or assist you, and you can do this’. We know 1 or 2 ways to get them there. The beauty is the ways we DON’T think of to get them there (like a nursemaid who gives a calf her finger), which still accomplish our goal, WITHOUT our players kicking and screaming. Influence is a finger , not a fist. Leadership is influence, not authority.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2018/10/05/five-principles-to-follow-if-you-want-to-influence-others/?sh=2d908f066e29
- Influence is a persuasive process. It doesn’t happen all at once. 2. Influence is a product of trust. 3. When people feel heard, they’re more open to being influenced. 4. Influence requires persuasively communicating. Describe the current state. What is going on now? • Establish a need/problem. What is the problem with the current state? What is there a need to change? • Describe the desired state. What does "good" look like? Why is it important to make the change or do what they are suggesting? • Satisfy or solve. What needs to be done? What steps need to be taken to solve the problem or make things happen? Lead with a mutual perspective or their perspective. • Visualize. Picture the benefits when the problem is solved. Why is this better? • Call to action. Get commitment and/or agreement. 5. Influence isn’t about winning; it’s about solving problems. I like this article because it gives actionable steps on how to improve the way we influence our team and players. Most notably I like that they acknowledge that influence comes from trust. Trust is built over time, by doing the things we say we will do, and by being honest with ourselves, our staff, and our players. Being honest can be uncomfortable. Being dishonest leads to longer-term, potentially disastrous results. If we are to be of any kind of influence (good or bad), our organization must trust us, and if we are to be trusted, we must be honest.
I am looking far and wide for how influence happens, and it’s an elusive topic. I returned to one of my favorite books ‘how to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. I could not quickly find a definition for ‘Influence’ or how it happens. He does provide a LOT of stories of how to win people towards your way of thinking (which maybe is influence?). I’ve found those strategies a little difficult to apply to coaching high schoolers, because they’ll work in 1 drill or in 1 practice maybe, but to get a long-term carry over of ‘influencing a player to work their hardest’ or ‘influencing our kids to make good decisions’, or ‘Influencing our spouses or kids to clean up after themselves consistently’ I’m still searching for that long-term solution. https://www.betterup.com/blog/the-secret-behind-how-to-influence-people This is a great article on how influence happens. You guys know me by now, I’m a science and studies and ‘give me the facts and figures’ person. I’m still looking for journal articles on the psychology of influence and how it happens. But this article gives a great overview and starting point (he references 5 books at the end, which I just ordered 3 of) Lois Melkonian was a news anchor and now writes for Betterup.com. Her main points in the article are are influence happens because 1)intention 2) connection 3)resilient 4) life-long learner And how to get better at influence others includes 7 tips like listening, acting with integrity, doing what you say you will do , give others a voice, take care of yourself, stay competent, stay focused, be engaged with others , while being genuine further reading: How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey Becoming a Person of Influence, John C. Maxwell Conscious Business, by Fred Kofman Influence, The Psychology of Persuasion, by Robert Cialdini
We can name our captains. We can pick our starting line up. We can choose to title anything we want on our teams. But our players know who has the most influence on the team. They know who the true leaders are because of the INFLUENCE they have on the behavior of others. We will get into HOW influence happens. I’m enjoying looking through articles on that topic. We know HOW authority happens. We earn a job, we label a kid as ‘captain’, we elect an official, we get promoted at work. That authority is simply a title. As Ken Blanchard says, being a successful leader requires INFLUENCE of our teams, not simply having the title of ‘coach’ or ‘AD’ or ‘boss’.
Power is a tool, influence is a skill; one is a fist, the other a fingertip. Nancy Gibbs I'm not sure about you, but I never took a course in coaching. Most things I've learned about coaching I've come from my own experience, and speaking with other people who have coached for years. It's easy to get better coaching. Go to other coaches practices, have them come To yours and critique you. I think it's a lot harder to get better at influencing. One of my favorite John wooden quotes is a poem that says "no written word nor spoken fully can teach young minds what they should be nor all the books on all the shelves it's what the teachers are themselves. To be a good influence for our players, means to live a good life, and to be that example all the time. That's probably not what we signed up for. And that's really hard to do. If influence is a fingertip like Nancy Gibbs says it is, that means it takes precision and skill to use it correctly. If used correctly, It can change the world for better or worse. Power is a fist, which sure, can be helpful at times, but the delicate and precise nature of guiding young student-athletes cannot be accomplished with the power of a fist. It takes a gentle hand, a skill that is difficult to master and requires self discipline and awareness to be that example for our kids.
Definition - the capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something, or the effect itself. As a verb, influence typically means "to affect or change someone or something in an indirect but usually important way." Something or someone that influences a person or thing, then, has an influence on that person or thing. We as coaches can play a significant role in our players lives through the sport coach. Often times parents will tell me "you have no idea the influence you have on her quote. When we signed up to coach maybe we did it because we love the game or because we wanna stay involved in it, or because we're still competitive. Not a lot of coaches tell me that they got in it because they want to be a positive influence on the lives of the kids a coach. That's usually an afterthought. And that's understandable. We don't realize the influence we have on these kids. We're going to stories and studies later this week about how influence happens. A lot of it has to do with the time we spend with the people around us. Parents don’t worry so much who their kids’ teacher is, or their principal, or who their sunday school teacher is. They worry about who they’re hanging out with and spending their time with, because those kids will have an INFLUENCE on theirs.
https://www.inspirationalstories.eu/inspirational-stories-about-happiness/
There was a boy, whose family was very wealthy. One day his father took him on a trip to the country, where he aimed to show his son, how poor people live. So they arrived to a farm of a very poor family, as he considered. They spent there several days. On their return, the father asked his son, did he like the trip.
„Oh, it was great, dad” – the boy replied. „Did you notice how poor people live?” „Yeah, I did“- said the boy. The father asked his son to tell in more details about his impressions from their trip“.
„Well, we have only one dog, and they have four of them. In our garden there is a pool, while they have a river that has no end. We‘ve got expensive lanterns, but they have stars above their heads at night. We have the patio, and they have the whole horizon. We have only a small piece of land, while they have the endless fields. We buy food, but they grow it. We have high fence for protection of our property, and they don‘t need it, as their friends protect them.”
The father was stunned. He could not say a word.
Then the boy added: „Thank you, dad, for letting me see how poor we are.”
This story shows that the true wealth as well as happiness is not measured by material things. Love, friendship and freedom are far more valuable.
Perspective is everything. Appreciate all you have. There is a past version of you who prayed for the problems you have now.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4449495/ “Happiness & Health: The Biological Factors- Systematic Review Article” (2014) “All of the activities managed by brain. Thoughts, feelings, activities, learning and love, all conducted by the brain. Mood and emotions are not except for this role.” “Another factor that affected happiness in general is hormones and glands. Studies suggested that some released hormones (Cortisol, Adrenaline, Oxitocin) have a fundamental role in happiness and mood regulation. Physical health and attractiveness also influence on happiness and they seem to be significant factor in comprising happiness Finally, it can be said that genetic is all and other factors are additional. Based on special genetic structure, integrating related factors can result in happiness.” “Twin studies suggested that genetic factors count for 35 -50 percent of happiness.” You could stick some people in an all-inclusive, 5 star, beach front hotel for a month, give them top of the line treatment and they would come back and have something to complain about. Some people you could stick at a crappy cabin in the middle of the woods and make them find their own food, and they’d come back and tell you how amazing the whole thing was. This article kind of explains how and why that happens. It’s our job to show our players what they’re capable of, give them an environment they can grow in, and support them in their struggles. It’s not our job to make them happy.
Example/study: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3126102/
“Happiness Unpacked: Positive Emotions Increase Life Satisfaction by Building Resilience”
“Positive emotions lead to higher levels of ego-resilience in the future (Fredrickson et al., in press; Cohn & Fredrickson, in preparation; Fredrickson & Joiner, 2002). Ego-resilience also achieves its effects partly by generating positive emotions. When faced with a stressor, people high on ego-resilience experience more positive emotions than their less resilient peers, even though they experience negative emotions at comparable levels. The difference in positive emotions accounts for their better ability to rebound from adversity and stress, ward off depression, and continue to grow “
“As the broaden-and-build theory predicts, participants who experienced frequent positive emotions became more satisfied not simply because they were enjoying themselves, but because they built resources that help deal with a wide range of life’s challenges.”
“improvements in material wealth and living circumstances – which increase life satisfaction, but produce relatively few positive emotions (Diener, 2007) – will not have these beneficial effects.”
“lived experiences like joy and interest are what start the process of exploring, learning, connecting, and ultimately building new resources. Those resources can later improve one’s life, offering up new opportunities for enjoyment and resource-building.”
Let’s give our players positive lived experiences. Let’s hold our standard, and support them in their struggle to rise to that standard and help them build ego resilience.
This is one of those quotes that the ‘state farm insurance’ commercials that “stop you from becoming your parents” that hangs on a wall in your house and has no need to be there. I saw this in TJ Maxx years ago (maybe college), and it has hung on a canvas print with me everywhere I go. Now it’s hanging in my office. It falls nicely in line with the quote from Dr. Bonner I gave you yesterday. If you find joy and happiness, success will follow. As I interpret it, the journey should make you enjoy yourself, not the destination. If the destination truly were the reward (let’s say it’s winning a game, for example), then if the other team forfeits, or calls you and says, “you know what coach, we don’t even have to play, you win”, there’s something lost there.
Focus on your journey. Enjoy the daily interactions, the challenges and the rewards. John Wooden said, “each day of the journey is precious, we must strive to make it our masterpiece”
One of my favorite college professors and good friend finished an e mail to me with this line when I told her I’d be transferring colleges. As a 21 year old college kid chasing ‘success’ in my academic, athletic, personal and career goals, I had never stopped to contemplate what ‘success’ really looked like. Conventionally, success is money, respect, good relationships, a husband, a career, higher educational degrees, a house, etc. Her line at the end of this e mail stood out to me and I printed it out. I carried it with me through grad school and my early career years, and I tried to always remember it when I was making a decision. “Find joy and happiness, and success will follow”. Traditionally, it’s “when you are successful, then you will be happy”. Dr. Bonner flipped this notion on it’s head for me. She gave me permission, if you will, to be happy and joyful, allowing the ‘success’ to come as an afterthought. That was probably my first real lesson in ‘the journey is the reward’. I am grateful to her for having the courage to tell me that early in my life, and so glad that I took it to heart.
I try to show that to my players every day. Maybe not ‘find joy and happiness’, but rather ‘connect your passes to feet, and good things will follow’ , or ‘put the ball near the net’ and good things will follow. The true reward is in the effort, not the outcome.
“A simple act of gratitude” John Kralik was an LA based attorney with a crappy life. He couldn’t afford to pay his employees, he was overweight, overworked, on his 2nd divorce, living in a small apartment with no air conditioning. On New Years Day, he decided he was going to write a thank you note, handwritten and sent through the mail, every day of the year. John said that writing the thank you notes over the course of the year taught him to value the good things and created a discipline of positive focus. “Gratitude presses outwards and that creates good feelings in the universe. A lot of that comes back to you eventually,” To paraphrase Edmund Wilson, gratitude is one of those rare things you get more of by giving it away. I did this through Key 5 Coaching last January, and it changed my outlook. I wrote to college professors, bosses, family members, patients, former players. Some acknowledged them, others I didn’t hear from. And all of them I looked forward to writing and thinking about who I was going to write to the next day. I knew that on the other side of that note was a big smile of someone who felt appreciated. For all I knew that note was the highlight of their day.
One of my favorite games to play is ‘This is good because…’ I don’t remember where I picked it up, but I’m grateful to the person who showed it to me since it’s gotten me through a lot of difficult situations and times I found it really, really hard to find the good in something. Next time you’re in a situation where you are frustrated and feel discouraged, challenge yourself to finish the sentence , “ This is good because…” It’s difficult at first. You may want to answer sarcastically. It may take you 2-3 minutes to come up with something that’s even remotely close to ‘good’, and that’s okay. The point is that you find SOME reason this is good. When Nick and I were dating for almost a year, we took a trip to Florida on Labor day weekend. Due to a hurricane, our flight home got cancelled, and we had to rent a car to take from Ft. Lauderdale to NJ… and what seemed like a daunting 19 hour drive became moderately enjoyable at times because of the sentence ‘ this is good because’...we got extra time together, we got to see parts of the country we’d never otherwise see . we got to share our favorite comedians and musicians with each other, we ate snacks and junk food. We talked about our future. It was good, but only because we found the good. This is good because...
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5085955/
This is a narrative written by Dr. John Kelly from the Journal Clinical Orthopedics and Related Research. He discusses how gratitude can rewire the brain when it has good feelings flowing through it. He says, “The brain can literally be rewired to more easily transmit circuits associated with generation of good feelings. A willful and deliberate focus on all that is good in one’s life will shift one’s baseline temperament and increase feelings of well-being. But it requires a decision, and it requires practice.” He references Angeles Arrien’s “Living in Gratitude” and what he refers to as “Grateful Seeing”, making note that this deliberate choice is ours every minute of every day.
Dr. Kelly also references that our ego’s often get in the way of our personal and professional lives. He notes that we rush and rush around searching for promotions and honors when we are missing our kids’ sports games or anniversaries. Then he says, “Contrast this plight to a surgeon who is close to his or her loved ones and arrives at work happy, balanced, and well-rested. This surgeon also does research and writes because it brings the satisfaction of effecting positive change and using one’s talents for a higher purpose.” The idea is that when our hearts and minds rest in a state of gratitude, everyone gets a better version of us to deal with.
Your kids deserve a coach who is pouring from a full cup. Do things and live in such a way that will fill your cup so you can give your best to those who need you most.
“If the only prayer you said was thank you, that would be enough.” - Meister Eckhart I heard a priest preach this during a homily the Sunday before Thanksgiving when I was in middle school or high school. I took it to heart then and am reminded of it daily. I start every prayer with “Dear God, Thank you”, and sometimes that’s it. Usually I name something specific, or I follow it with “...for the opportunity to…” I got into that habit in high school, and now , I do what James Clear calls ‘habit stacking’, and every time I eat, I drop that little prayer. During every national anthem before a basketball game in college, I drop that prayer. Before I coach every game now, as my team warms up, I drop that prayer. It helps to put things in perspective for me. There was a time (not so long ago) that women couldn’t do what I’m doing now. When organized girls sports was not a thing. When I thank God (or whatever you conceive God to be), I get a rush of reminders that I’m in a great situation because of the hundreds and thousands of people who came before me (and hopefully come after me) and the work they’ve done to get me here. I’m reminded that I have a great opportunity to be a positive influence and to use my avenue for good.
the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
“Gratitude is pausing to notice and appreciate the things that we often take for granted, like having a place to live, food, clean water, friends, family, even computer access. It's taking a moment to reflect on how fortunate we are when something good happens — whether it's a small thing or a big thing.” - https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/gratitude.html
The power of gratitude is immense. Gratitude is like a magic spell that once you start to express it, your mood immediately lifts. Your attitude shifts. Your outlook changes from glum and dismal to happy and content.
The beauty of that spell is that when you start to become aware of all the situations that stress you out, you can begin expressing gratitude in them (This is really difficult to do).
I have noticed though, that when I start to feel upset, if I can find something, something to be grateful for, other things start to make themselves clear that I’m grateful for too.
Like the first droplet that opens a floodgate, that first expression of gratitude serves as a catalyst to bust open a mindset that appreciates the entirety of the situation.
A grateful mind and heart is one of the best gifts we can give our players. If we can show them that we’re grateful for the opportunity to coach them. They should be grateful for the opportunity to be on the team. We’re grateful for the challenges they throw at us because those challenges are opportunities to grow and change, they can be grateful for when we challenge them. If we’re grateful that a game falls through, or a player gets hurt, or we lose a heartbreaker, we can show them that hey, “I’m grateful we had the chance to prepare for that game together. I’m grateful you’ll recover and have a new appreciation for your body and being able to play and practice. I’m grateful that other team gave their best effort to beat us and we got to be a part of that”.
Gratitude offers a lens that can open our minds and clear our hearts. I’m excited to take the journey this week with you in learning quotes, studies, and stories about gratitude.
During Covid last year, every day was unpredictable. We were supposed to play the team on Saturday, and Friday afternoon got news that they were not able to play us. We had gone about 10 days without playing a game, and our kids were really looking forward to having one. It happened to be the week of Halloween, and my team had done Halloween theme week. That practice, they all came in costume. I had planned a practice, but once I broke the news to them that there was no game, they asked me if we could just have fun. When I asked what fun meant, their answers were handball, football, and a soccer game called power/finesse.
One of the girls came as a dodgeball player from average Joe's, and another as a hotdog. Their team name was the average wieners. We left all practice. I had the right personalities at the right time to let them just let loose and have fun. Those kids taught me how to make the best of a tough situation. That was one of the most fun practices I've ever been a part of, and I hope that when they think of their most fun practice ever in 10 years, that one comes to mind.
Roy Kent was one of soccer’s most outstanding players. When he retired, he returned to coaching his old team. While watching his successor have a rut during the season, he decided he needed to remind Issiac why he played. So he took Issiac MacAdoo to his home town inside a cage to play soccer, the same place he’d go if he himself got into a rut.
At first Issiac was skeptical of the caliber of players at this arena, but once they showed that they’re as physical and talented as his professional counterparts, he loosened up a little and lost his ‘professional player’ stiffness, he played phenomneally and was doing trick shots, making up handshakes with strangers and celebrating goals like he was a kid again.
Suffice to say, when he took the pitch in his next professional game, he had a different perspective, and a sound reminder that soccer is fun. At the end of the day, we will play best when we are relaxed and united, and that in turn allows us to have fun.
Lewis Howes rides a scooter to and from his office because it’s FUN! He creates time to play in his day because it’s important for creativity, stress relief, and longevity. Fun can look different to everyone. What’s fun for some is NOT fun for others. Whatever your fun looks like, DO IT!
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/kidspost/what-makes-sports-fun-according-to-this-study-winning-isnt-the-most-important-thing/2019/11/27/63c52f06-0d8a-11ea-bd9d-c628fd48b3a0_story.html
What is fun for some isn’t fun for others. Some people have fun working out, others have fun reading. What all of our players have in common is that our sport is ‘fun’ for them. I’d be curious to find out from my team ‘what makes it fun’ - i always ask ‘what would make a great HS soccer experience for you?’ at the beginning of the year. Often I get answers like ‘winning states’ or ‘playing as much as possible’ or ‘getting along with my teammates and winning games’, which are all fine. But then I ask the group, “If the next team we’re playing called me up and said , you know what coach, you win, we don’t even have to play”, would that win still be fun for you? They always respond “no”. I do that to show them that the winning isn’t the fun part. The trying, the competing, the working together is the fun part. That’s what they love.
I’d encourage you to find out from your team what actually about your sport is fun for them. Set the standard for fun in your practices, and make sure we’re having fun every day.
Fun - at soccer practice every day, we structure it typically as 1) conditioning 2) skill work we need for our game as a team 3) FUN. I always end on something fun, and I got that from Coach Wooden who did the same thing in his practices. https://www.sportscasting.com/why-did-the-ncaa-ban-dunking-for-10-years
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0071437924/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_image?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Maybe not the world in our cases, but certainly a kid or two, or maybe even the whole team. How deep is the fun you’re having? Do you have kids who are comfortable enough within your program to relax? To trust you? They must trust you and each other in order to let their guard down enough to have what’s referred here to as ‘deep fun’. Think about a dog who trusts his owner and the environment. Maybe it’s a dog that loves to swim. When a toy gets thrown or a person jumps into the water with them, they are completely free to be who they are. Now think about a dog who is in an unfamiliar place or with unfamiliar people. That same dog in the water may behave very differently. Our kids are in an environment where fun should happen. They must trust you and your program enough to be themselves and have that fun.
Randy Pauch wrote and delivered ‘The Last Lecture’, when he was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I highly encourage you to read it and watch it. It’s moving and has a lot of good lessons throughout it.
One of the lessons he emphasizes is it have fun. The whole lecture is phenomenal, one of the stories I remember from it is that Randy and his team of college students who were studying virtual reality design, got to experience a simulated space trip. That was one of Randy's childhood dreams, was to go into space. To make a long story short, at first NASA was not going to let him ride with the students, but he found a loophole because they would allow a journalist to go with the students. So he got his journalism credentials quickly, and joined them. He tells the story of going in that centrifuge and experiencing weightlessness for the first time, and how much fun he had bouncing around in a tiny capsule with people he cared about.
This is coming from a brilliant man who was dying of pancreatic cancer a the time he told this story. I think the lesson he wants us to take away from it is that life is too short not to have fun. So enjoy your time with your team, every second of it, even if they sometimes frustrate you or challenge you, love them and have fun with them.
You can watch the lecture here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo
Definition: enjoyment, amusement, or lighthearted pleasure Sports should be FUN. We have such an advantage as coaches in that our players generally WANT to be doing the thing we’re doing with them! Think about the average kid’s life. Wake up (on mom and dad’s terms), eat (whatever mom and dad feed them), go to school (mandatory), do their homework (also mandatory, and usually alone), do their chores, then, MAYBE get to go to their sport (if they have practice that day). If we’re not having FUN at their sport, WHY are we even there? Fun should be at the forefront of our practice plans, and the reason our kids keep coming to practice. Our kids will remember the fun they had (or did not have!) on our team more than anything else.
Once upon a time there was a king who was unhappy. He had everything he wanted, but felt unfilfilled. One day walking aroud the kingdom, he came upon a street cleaner who was whistling and appeared to really be enjoying his day. The king looked at him funny, but figured maybe he was just having a good day, so he left him alone. A few days later he saw the same street cleaner , just as happy as the first day. This went on for several weeks.
The king finally asked him, hey, how come you appear to be so happy?” The street cleaner replied , “Well, Sir, I have a beautiful wife, a roof over my head, and I earn enough money to put good food in our bellies and spend time with my kids, I have every reason to be happy”
The king was unsatisfied with this answer, so he called upon the wisest person he knew. He explained this to the wise woman, who told him, "Ah, that’s because the street cleaner is not a member of the 99 club". Seeing how confused at what the 99 club was, the wise woman proceeded to hand the King a bag of 99 gold coins. Go put this on the streetcleaner’s doorstep tonight, and then closely watch how his next few days pan out”
So the king did that. The next morning, the streetcleaner was THRILLED to be met with a bag of gold coins on his doorstep. He counted them carefully. 97, 98, 99 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀he was expecting an even 100. So he counted again. and again, and again. He quickly got angry, accusing his wife and kids of taking that last coin. He spent days and days searching for it, he barely ate or slept.
The king watched from afar as he saw the streetcleaner go from a happy man to a greedy, angry fellow. Then he learned, that once someone comes to expect something, even something as wonderful as a surprise bag of gold coins, they will forget about how good they had it and focus soley on that which they no longer have.
The moral of the story here is that we must remember that at any moment, our expectations can change. At any given time, we may be happy as the streetcleaner was to just do his job and put good food on the table. We must also recognize that if our circumstances change (like getting a bag of 99 gold coins..or in our case, maybe it’s getting a promotion, or in our kid’s cases, more playing time, or their name in the newspaper), our expectations can change too, and those expectations can shape and define our emotional responses to the things that happen to us.
In 1961 John F Kennedy gave a speech before Congress, regarding America's sights to land on the moon. On May 25, President Kennedy challenged Americans to rally behind his call to put a man on the moon. What he said was "If I were to say, my fellow citizens , that we shall send to the moon 240,000 miles away from the control station in Houston a giant rocket more than 300 feet tall, the length of a football field, made of new metal alloys, some of which have not yet been invented, capable of withstanding heat and stress several times more than have ever been experienced, fitted together with a precision better than the finest watch, carrying all the equipment needed for propulsion, guidance, control, communications, food , and survival, in an untried mission, to an unknown celestial body, and then return it safely to earth, re-entering the atmosphere at speeds over 25,000 mph, causing heat about half that of the temperature of the sun, almost as hot as it is here today, and do all this, and do it right, and do it before this decade is out, then we must be bold. We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things not because they're easy but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept."
Every year at my player meeting in my parent meeting, everyone gets a one page handout. I have three expectations for each group, coaches, players, parents. The first they all have in common, and that is to be an example. I want our parents to make decisions that they would want their own children to make, I want our coaches to behave in such a way that we’d be okay if our athletes behaved that way too, and I want our players to realize that whether they’re on the field or in the classroom our out on a Friday night, they have signed up to be examples to each other and to the kids in our community. Then for parents , I expect them to be encouraging, and to be supportive. Encouraging means we cheer for our kid, and our team, and not against the other team or the officials. When their child is struggling, encourage her in that struggle because she needs it to grow. And be supportive - we need the parents in our programs. They support and run our booster clubs, feed their kids, work tirelessly to get them to practices and games. We need their support and we need them to love their kids unconditionally like they already do. The kids - my expectations after being examples are to be on time, and to be respectful. I can boil it down to Coach K’s 1 rule: Be in the right place, at the right time, and do the right thing Lastly, as coaches in the program, our players, parents and administrators can expect the following: we will be examples, we will be prepared, we will be professional, and we will be grateful for the opportunity to coach their kids. If we meet these expectations without a hitch all season, that exceeds my expectations for the season. I fully expect that I may need to turn around and remind our parents that we are encouraging here. Or our players that they’re examples both on and off the field. So having these ‘north star’ expectations in place helps guide everyone’s behavior.
“I hope you do not let anyone else’s expectations direct the course of your life.” ― Julianne Donaldson This quote stood out to me because we need to have expectations for our lives, for our own seasons, and for our own programs. I've said it before, if you try to be the best New England Patriots, or New York Yankees, or Los Angeles Lakers, the best you'll be is the second best patriots, Yankees, or Lakers. Your expectations should be yours and yours alone. Sit down with your team and your coaches and forget about what the newspaper says, or what their parents expect of them, or the other coaches or their teachers at School. Direct your life and your program and your team where YOU want them to go. In the world people expect us to get married , have kids, buy houses, stay in jobs we don’t like, go on vacation, work overtime, answer e mails immediately. I hope you realize you have the freedom and capacity to change anything you want. You can be whatever you like and have a life you love, and it can or cannot include any of those things mentioned above. If you let someone else set the expectations for you, you give them a lot of power over you. Be bold enough to set your own expectations and live them out.
“All of your problems in your business can be solved if you’d only set and manage expectations” - Jerry Durham Jerry is a business coach for physical therapist, who specifically works with the front desk staff offices. He specializes in helping people reduce cancels and no-shows by setting the expectation on that first phone call of the patients responsibilities, and of the facilities responsibilities. He walks the front desk staff through everything from ‘Our location is in X building. When you park, go through the front entrance, up the elevator 2 flights and make a right. We’re the second office on the left”, followed by ‘Your initial evaluation is typically 45-60 minutes with your physical therapist. You’ll leave with a thorough understanding of your condition and a plan to begin treating it” Jerry specializes in this and he's really good at it. I've learned a lot of lessons from him. Imagine a time where you got upset about something. Maybe it was something that happened earlier today. . I bet it was because you expected one thing, and a different thing happened. Now think about a time that your expectations were met. Now think about the time that you were not upset about something, maybe the weather cooperated or you pulled off a surprise party. I bet you your expectations were met. In order to set those expectations, we need to be really good communicators. We need to speak concisely, we need to reinforce what we've said through text and follow ups, and we need to have principles that we stand by so that our responses are predictable and repeatable. When our players expect us to remain calm in the face of adversity, and we lose it, they may get upset. Conversely, if they expect us to get mad at everything they do, and then we don't, they know something is up. I have found it really helpful to set my players, my parents, and my coaches expectations early in the season. That way I have something to fall back on, my "North star" like we talked about in decision making. If I expect my coaches to be respectful, that covers everything from their interactions with parents and officials, to how they handle a conflict with a player, or someone on the coaching staff. We are going to address one another appropriately. We are going to solve conflicts together, and we are going to show up on time, and respect each other's time.
Expectations
“Expect” definition: to consider probable or certain/ assurance
If we can set and manage expectations of ourselves, our players, and our parents, we can establish a foundation for common ground. I have found in my life a lot of disputes and arguments stem from a basis of misunderstood expectations. Everything from, “You didn’t take the garbage out” to “your homework is due today” to “why aren’t we married yet?” revolves around a conversation of expectations.
“I expected you to take the garbage out because my understanding was that we established that that was your chore for the month”
“I expected you to know your homework is due today because it’s always due on Fridays”
“I expected you would have proposed by now because I want to marry you and we’ve been dating for years!”
“I’m upset about my playing time. I’m on the team, so I expected to play meaningful minutes in games”
“I’m upset with you because you’re late, and I expect you to be here on time”
It takes some planning, some courage, and some integrity to set your expectations and stand by them, and hold your organization accountable to those expectations.
This week we’ll talk about setting and managing expectations in sports and in life, and how teaching your players to understand expectations can help them get jobs, earn more money, and have healthier relationships.
In a small Italian town, hundreds of years ago, a small business owner owed a large sum of money to a loan-shark. The loan-shark was a very old, unattractive looking guy that just so happened to fancy the business owner’s daughter. He decided to offer the businessman a deal that would completely wipe out the debt he owed him. However, the catch was that we would only wipe out the debt if he could marry the businessman’s daughter. Needless to say, this proposal was met with a look of disgust. The loan-shark said that he would place two pebbles into a bag, one white and one black. The daughter would then have to reach into the bag and pick out a pebble. If it was black, the debt would be wiped, but the loan-shark would then marry her. If it was white, the debt would also be wiped, but the daughter wouldn’t have to marry the loan-shark. Standing on a pebble-strewn path in the businessman’s garden, the loan-shark bent over and picked up two pebbles. Whilst he was picking them up, the daughter noticed that he’d picked up two black pebbles and placed them both into the bag. He then asked the daughter to reach into the bag and pick one. The daughter naturally had three choices as to what she could have done: Refuse to pick a pebble from the bag. Take both pebbles out of the bag and expose the loan-shark for cheating. Pick a pebble from the bag fully well knowing it was black and sacrifice herself for her father’s freedom. She drew out a pebble from the bag, and before looking at it ‘accidentally’ dropped it into the midst of the other pebbles. She said to the loan-shark “Oh, how clumsy of me. Never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked.” The pebble left in the bag is obviously black, and seeing as the loan-shark didn’t want to be exposed, he had to play along as if the pebble the daughter dropped was white, and clear her father’s debt. It’s always possible to overcome a tough situation through of the box thinking, and not give in to the only options you think you have to pick from. Like we talked about yesterday, that girl’s north star was her love for her dad and respect for herself. They helped her see an option that not everyone would see, and her care for him and herself gave her the courage to accidentally drop the pebble and solve her problems. Caring takes courage, north stars help guide our decisions even if it seems like we have no other options. story taken from: https://wealthygorilla.com/10-most-inspirational-short-stories/
Once upon a time there was an old king. He was loved by everyone in his kingdom, he clearly cared for them, making sure they had safety, clean food and water, and an environment that they could thrive in. But sadly, the king's time had come to an end, and he knew that his grandson would be his successor. His grandson wanted to lead the kingdom just like his grandfather did, and carry on his legacy. He took his grandfather to lunch one day, and they laughed, and talked, and appreciated their time together. After things settled down, the grandson asked his grandfather the king how he built his reputation, and raised the kingdom to what it was. The grandfather sighed and told his grandson he would have to wait until nighttime to get his answer. As darkness fell over the kingdom the King stood outside on the balcony with his grandson and he pointed to the brightest star in the sky. The star happened to be the north store. The grandson was confused, as they stood there silently for what seemed like an hour, his grandfather just staring at it and silence. Finally, his curiosity got the better of him. Grandpa, what is the North Star have to do with your legacy? The grandfather sighed, and didn't take his eyes off of the star as he started to speak. "When I became a king, I had a similar conversation with my father that you're having with me now. Whenever he had to make a hard decision, or decide what was best for his kingdom, he would come out here at night and stare at the North Star. You see, our kingdom is guided by that star. Not the star itself, but what it stands for. Whenever I look at it, I remember what my grandfather told me, and what my father told him. Love is what guides our kingdom. If there is a decision that I have to make, Love is my North Star. I try to imagine what kingdom would look like if they had a king who really loved them. I always let love guide that decision. If I act out of love, and pure, genuine intentions to do what's best for my people, I knew I could never go wrong. Love is my Northstar, that helps me guide and make decisions that has given me the legacy I have” What is your north star? What are the principles you live by that guide the decisions you make? Do you have any at all? I have found it helps so much to have those principles in place, because they can guide your decisions and make hard choices seem easy and simple. They can be boiled down and repeated over time.
In his book Win The Crowd, Steven Cohen talks about decisiveness and moving with a definitive purpose. He asks the reader to do this experiment: With your right hand pick up a pencil on the right side of your desk. Now reach across your body to your left side and place the pen down on your desk somewhere off to the left. It doesn't matter where. Just place it somewhere on the left side of the desk and leave it there. In trial 2, repeat the action as in trial 1, but this time, decide exactly where you will place the pen on the left side of your desk before you begin. Remember: don't make a move until you've already decided where the final destination will be. Put the pen down directly in that spot. Did you feel a difference? In trial 1 you had to make a decision as your hand was in transit. “Where should I put the pen down? Over here? or perhaps over there? Sure, it is a quick decision but it required thought nonetheless. Trial 2, you knew exactly where the start and finish points were and you moved more efficiently. Strive to make all of your actions decisive. Think before you move. Whether you're handing a pen to a colleague for their signature or flipping pages in a sales brochure for a client, make your actions precise. Visualize the action and then carry it out. Lack of precision invites doubt to one’s abilities. Win The Crowd, page 29 To be this precise requires planning and thoughtfulness. Planning and thoughtfulness take time. We have a definitive amount of time in a day, so I would make the argument that the preparation you do, ultimately saves you time, and buys you more of it. Prepare ahead of time the questions you ask your team during practice. That way you can ask them definitively. Prepare your team for an upcoming opponent by scaring them, and telling your team precisely how you can execute against them. The preparation takes some time, and it’s time well spent if it translates to acting definitively.
decisions are made based on perception and information for players - looking at a painting and tracking eye movements. what we see gives us cues. when people were asked to guess the subject’s in a painting’s age, they scrutinized their faces. When asked to scrutinize the subject’s wealth, they looked at their clothes, subjects’ eyes moved in different patterns depending on what they nedded to know. the brain knew to do this based on experience. the tacit knowledge implicit in looking in the righ tplace comes from ten thousand iterations of discerning people’s ages from their faces or wealth from their clothes. our player’s knowledge and experiences shape where they look on the field as well. Joan VIckers, a cognitive scientist at the university of Calgary notes that the gaze of a novice is different from taht of an expert. if we want better decisions, the place to start is with the eyes, to train them to see the most salient detials of a situation. This is helpful in helping our players make decisions, I would be curious to understand what Greg Popovich's eyes look at during a basketball game, or we are Messi's eyes focus when he's beating a defender. If we can start paying attention to important details, as players and as coaches, and learn to focus on what actually matters as far as information and perception go, we can hone our skill, improve dramatically. On a personal note, through my time as a coach, there are times when I noticed an outside defender is really tired, or maybe the point guard just got a talking to from their coach or mom and dad in the stands, and I know that player's going to come out with a little fire under their butt. I will then cue my kids to attack that outside defender or pay closer attention to the kid who just got a talking to. The only reason I do that is because I’ve seen other coaches do it, I’ve had hundreds of reps in seeing it, and experience has taught me where to look.
When I saw the first Harry Potter movie, I wrote down this quote immediately. I was probably 12 or 13 and that quote spoke to me because at that age, I was stuck somewhere in my thinking of what I was capable of as a student athlete. I had 2 big brothers and a big sister who were competing for spots on high school sports teams (well, my sister ended up being valedictorian, she was competing in an academic realm vs. an athletic one) , and I knew that my brother was probably not as talented as the players around him, but he chose to pull me outside on hot summer and cold winter days to rebound for him so he could shoot. I quickly learned that if the kids with greater abilities than my brother were not out there shooting every day like he was, he was quickly going to surpass their skill. More than that, he was showing the discipline that it took to put the hours in to get better. Those other kids didn’t need to show that discipline as they relied on their talent alone. Our choices as coaches show who we truly are, far, far greater than our abilities to ‘naturally’ coach. Our choices on how we interact with our kids, the words we use, the drills we do, the qualities we emphasize as important to our program, those say so much more about us than our abilities or our former abilities as athletes. My challenge to you is to look at the choices you’ve made this week as a coach. Did you choose to plan out practices? Did you choose to yell and scream at your kids? Did you choose to embarrass a kid on the field after he or she made a mistake? Did you choose to empower your kids to lead a drill or warm up? What choices did you make, why did you make them? Each of us has the ability to become incredible at what we do. We need the right strategy, and we need the right coaching ourselves. More important than that, as Dumbledoor says, is our choices on what we want to become.
Where you are is a direct result of the decisions you have made up to this point in your life. - Anonymous Whether we like it or not, the chair we’re sitting in, the computer or phone we’re on, the coffeeshop or house or school we’re sitting in is a choice we’ve made. Maybe we chose to work at this school 15 years ago and we’ve chosen to stay for this long. Maybe we decided to work at this company that gave us this phone that we’re using to read and work on. If this morning you decided to sleep in, and now you’re scrambling to get to work on time, that decision was yours and yours alone. Maybe you have a baby, or had a family emergency you decided needed your attention in the middle of the night. Sometimes it may feel like ‘I have no choice’. The reality is, oh, yes you do. You’ve chosen to take care of that child, you decided to respond to your family emergency. You may not have thought much about them, but you certainly decided that you would respond. As adults, we are responsible for ALL of our decisions. From breakfast, to the color of car we drive (if we’re going to drive a car at all), to our occupations, and who we date or marry, in most cases, no one has FORCED us into any of these situations. If you are a coach, you DECIDED to be a coach. I’m pretty confident no one threatened you or your family and said ‘if you don’t coach, something bad will happen to you or them’. You could fill in ‘coach’ with any profession. It’s likely that at some point, you chose what you’re doing and have since decided to stick with it. As coaches, we don’t always get to decide the kids who will be in our programs or on our teams. We DO decide how we’re going to interact with our team though. We DO decide what we will hold our players accountable to and what we will tolerate as their coaches and mentors. We do decide how to condition our kids, how to reward or punish them, and how we’ll express our belief in them. We often brush over these decisions. We often coach how we were coached. I challenge you to look at your next practice plan and write down next to each drill WHY you’re deciding to focus on that drill. Why you’re conditioning them the way you are. WHY you’ll let them pick their groups or if you’ll assign them. If you are not happy with your team’s performance, roll back into the decisions you’ve made with them in the last year, month, week, and day. Are those decisions reflective of the environment you want to cultivate? If not, what would you do differently to get the results you wanted?
Decide: The dictionary definition of decision. "A determination arrive that after consideration” Decide is defined as making a final choice or judgment about, or to select as a course of action We make decisions every day, most of them subconsciously, based off of our habits. Some are easy, like deciding which way to take to work, others are more difficult by choosing a starting 11, or who to cut, or if you should quit your job and start your own business. We're gonna talk about decisions this week as coaches, and the decisions that our players make. A quick story that I tell you, is that and almost every practice with a phrase that always includes, "drink a lot of water, sleep a lot", followed by either, "eat good food “ or “make good decisions” Most of our players are teenage kids, living in a world that's a lot different from when we were teenage kids. They decide things that we didn't even have to think about. Social media has changed everything. They also have access to technology regarding their sport, that allows them to see the game, wash their own games, and have access to YouTube, or they can watch the best players in the world over and over make decisions on the field or court. This week will talk about how to make decisions, how to guide our players in making decisions, and I’ll share stories and examples of decisions I’ve made or been a part of or learned from other coaches about.
Once upon a time there was a new member of a company, and the boss wanted to help him feel included, so he decided to throw a pizza party on Friday afternoon. But the newcomer didn’t show up to it. So the boss, determined to make this guy feel included, decided that on Tuesday, the whole team would go to karaoke, but the newcomer didn’t go to that either. Feeling a little discouraged, the boss decides that they’re going to do yoga on Friday, and invites the whole company to yoga. Again, the newcomer doesn’t join in. Finally the boss storms over to the newcomer, visibly upset that he hasn’t joined the group despite his tedious efforts to include him. He is just about to lose it on the newcomer, when the new guy quietly whispers, “I’m lactose intolerant, I don’t enjoy singing, and yoga bothers my back, that’s why I didn’t show up to your invitations”. The boss was taken aback, feeling guilty that he hadn’t considered any of those things in planning the outings meant to help the new guy feel included. After thinking a minute, he looked up at the scared newcomer, and asked, ‘Well, what do YOU like to do?’ Turns out, the outcast loved rollerskating, but never had the time to do it. So the leader rented skates for the whole group the next week, and they bonded with their new member. The point is, we could have great intentions. Our players, and the people we serve need to know where we're coming from, and we must be willing to have conversations to ensure that they feel included, cared about, and respected.
Once upon a time there was a little boy who was rich and could have anything he wanted. One day he passed the shop where there was a strange mirror in the window. He asked his parents to buy the mirror which they did. When he brought it home he looked at it and couldn't see his reflection. He stood there for a few minutes and suddenly his reflection appeared. But the boy in the mirror was said. His shoulders were forward his head was down he almost looked as if he was crying. The boy made faces of the mirror, waved his arms around, and tried to sneak up on the image in the mirror, but the mirrors image stay the same, sad boy. He came back the next day and the same thing happened. This went on every day for a week or two, and the boy couldn’t figure out what was going on. Then one day he was walking through the park and saw a little boy about his age, crying on a bench. He asked what was wrong, and the little boy had gotten lost in the park and couldn’t find his parents. The rich little boy and the sad little boy walked through the park together until they finally found his parents. The family was so happy and relieved to be reunited, they cried tears of joy and hugged. The parents thanked the rich little boy profusely and walked home, hand in hand with their son. When the rich boy returned home, he looked in the mirror and saw himself right away, but this time he wasn’t sad. He was as happy as that little boy who he helped the moment they found his parents. He was overcome with joy, and realized quickly what this meant. The mysterious mirror reflected what he felt on the inside, not what people saw on the outside. He resolved that he would care for someone and help someone else every day, so that his feelings on the inside would be of genuine joy and empathy as he expressed how he could care for someone else.
In the summer of 2020 we weren't sure if we were going to have high school soccer season in the fall. But if we did, I wanted every player to be eligible because they needed soccer more than anything that year. As soon as I could, I checked to make sure that all of our players were medically cleared. I must've sent 50 emails that summer, updating kids on their status, answering questions about who to give the forms to, and by when. Through those efforts, and those of the kids and their parents, every kid was cleared when they needed to be. No one had to sit out at that first day of tryouts.
The summer of 2021 was similar. Slightly less chaotic, but I was just as persistent with the emails, sending individual ones out to ensure every player would be cleared when tryouts began. Again, through the efforts of the kids and their families, every player was cleared on that first day.
As a coach, we take on a lot of responsibilities, and I'm not sure that sending individual emails regarding the status of every kid's clearance falls under that umbrella. It certainly did not when I was an athlete. My motive behind sending those emails, was the answer to the question “What would a Coach who cares about their players do to help ensure that every player is eligible?”
I think the answer was that they would get in touch with everyone and let them know their status, and encourage them to get the right forms to the right people at the right time.
I let the kids know in those emails, "I want you to be cleared so that we can get the best look at you during tryouts. I want you to be eligible to play." And I meant it. “What would a coach who cares do?” I use it as a healthcare provider as well. “What would a physical therapist who actually cares about me do?”
That’s the guiding question that I've been using to make decisions on how and when to communicate. It takes courage to care, and that’s something we can all work on.
Last week a few of our players had siblings and close friends who left for college. One player who is usually bubly and energetic showed up about 20 minutes early to practice, with her shoulders slumped, just standing by the equipment we’d put down. I asked her what was up, and she told me ’Tom leaves for college today, he just dropped me off’. I asked if she was okay, to which she replied ‘I broke down last night, but I’m better today. Soccer helps.”
I know she wanted to go with her parents to drop him off, but that would mean she’d miss practice, and would be ineligible per the state’s criteria to scrimmage as she needs 6 practices to play in it. So she stayed home, and was a little sad about it. She went on to have a good practice, and I overheard her tell some teammates that Tom had left for college that morning.
Now this player happens to be a starter, and happens to want to play high level college soccer. Her talent on the field has nothing to do with her emotions or value as a person. So I’d like to think that regardless of her playing time, status, or talent, I’d have cared enough about her to find out what was up that morning.
Quote - “From caring comes courage.” – Lao Tzu
courage to have hard conversations
courage to hold players and staff and parents accountable
courage to try new things
courage to fail and fail safely
courage go all out
It takes courage to be uncomfortable, so if you care about the people around you, genuinely care about them, you can take courage in acting on the things that are best for them and the team.
“They’ll never care how much you know until they know how much you care” Take a minute to think about the person who cares about you the most. Maybe it's a parent, or a sibling, or a spouse, or a child. Who do you know cares about you the most? I want you to think of a time when you had a problem. Who was the first person that you went to to help you solve that problem? I'm curious if it's the same person who cares the most about you. We trust the people who care about us. We go to them for advice. We know that they'll be honest with us, because they care about us and we know it. As this relates to coaching, you could know all there is to know about your game. If your kids know that you care about them, you can accelerate their learning and the transfer of your knowledge to them, because they know that you care about them, what was best for them, and trust you enough to allow you to teach them what you know. That's really powerful, and the opposite is true as well. If they don't trust you, it's a lot more difficult to teach them effectively. This week we're gonna talk about what it looks like to care about people. Think about that person again, the one in the beginning who cares the most about you. What actions do they take to show you that they care? What actions can you take to show your athletes that you care about them as people first?
Definition: feel concern or interest; attach importance to something. look after and provide for the needs of. serious attention or consideration applied to doing something correctly or to avoid damage or risk. One of Lewis Howes guests defined greatness as “at my funeral I want people arguing over who I loved the most. I want there to be loud arguments of people saying “I know that she loves me more than anyone else because of the way she cared about me” One of my business mentors (a rough around the edges british guy) calls it GAS (Give A Shit). Drawing on what we know from action and behavior, what does it LOOK like when you CARE (or GAS?) do you call your players? Do you check in with them every other day or so? Do they know you WANT to learn about them and their lives? How will people know you CARED about them? What would a coach who CARES about their players do? Reverse engineer that, and use that to help you decide on how you want to respond to a situation.
https://www.npr.org/2009/04/06/102649267/i-am-still-the-greatest"I have always believed in myself, even as a young child growing up in Louisville, Ky. My parents instilled a sense of pride and confidence in me, and taught me and my brother that we could be the best at anything. I must have believed them, because I remember being the neighborhood marble champion and challenging my neighborhood buddies to see who could jump the tallest hedges or run a foot race the length of the block. Of course I knew when I made the challenge that I would win. I never even thought of losing. In high school, I boasted weekly — if not daily — that one day I was going to be the heavyweight champion of the world. As part of my boxing training, I would run down Fourth Street in downtown Louisville, darting in and out of local shops, taking just enough time to tell them I was training for the Olympics and I was going to win a gold medal. And when I came back home, I was going to turn pro and become the world heavyweight champion in boxing. I never thought of the possibility of failing — only of the fame and glory I was going to get when I won. I could see it. I could almost feel it. When I proclaimed that I was the "Greatest of All Time," I believed in myself. And I still do." That’s the way a champion behaves. This is coming from a man who was quoted as saying “I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.'” This is what it takes - acting as if you are already the greatest in the world. Acting as if no one can beat you. Behaving the way a champion behaves. Training how a champion trains. What is going to separate you from your opponents? Likely you have the same goal, but it's the behaviors, the systems, and the belief that will help you get there.
Driving through town just my boy and me With a happy meal in his booster seat Knowing that he couldn't have the toy 'Till his nuggets were gone Green traffic light turned straight to red I hit my brakes and mumbled under my breath His fries went a flying and his orange drink covered his lap Well then my four year old said a four letter word That started with "s" and I was concerned So I said son now now where did you learn to talk like that He said I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are We got cowboy boots and camo pants Yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad I wanna do everything you do So I've been watching you" - Rodney Atkins https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uzK3VwzraM This brings us full circle in talking about behavior. We can talk the talk, but we must be able to walk the walk and back up what we preach to our players, our kids, and the people we spend time with and have an influence on. Take a minute to think about who is watching you. I bet you can name 1-2 people (maybe a boss, or a child, or a spouse)...and that’s who you KNOW of who is watching you. There may be countless others watching your moves. Maybe it’s people in your community or people online who follow your social media accounts. The point is we don’t know who is watching or when, so it’s best to behave in such a way that it doesn’t matter.
Imagine that at 25 years old you get news that your kidneys don't work, and that you need to be on dialysis in order to survive for the rest of your life. Three hours a day, three times a week, literally forever for you. Do you throw in the towel and let God take you then? Do you give up your hobbies and your passions because there goes a significant part of your weeks? Or do you see it as an opportunity to squeeze every second of every day? Mark test coin what is the assistant girls soccer coach and softball coach at James Caldwell high school for more than 35 years. He recently passed away from cancer in January 2021. When he was in his 20s, he was diagnosed with kidney failure and given the news I just shared with you. He is the best example I can share of someone who behaved in such a way that inspired his students, athletes, colleagues, and family. He lived with a sense of humor, honesty, and zest for life that was contagious. His response to being diagnosed with kidney failure , and the way he looked at it (you’d never know he ever had a problem unless you asked about the under armour wrist sweatband he always wore to cover the port for dialysis), inspires me daily. I am forever grateful for how he behaved in front of me and his other athletes, becuase of his response to his ailment and how he chose to act because of (or perhaps in spite of?) it. Thank you, Coach Mark.
Can you think of someone in your life who told you, "do as I say, not as I do "? Maybe they didn't even say it, but you knew that their behavior was unacceptable, and so did they, but no one intervened to change their behavior. The world is shown so many examples of what not to do, we need more people showing us what to do instead. And probably the reason for that, is because it can be really difficult to behave in a way that you would like others in your organization to behave. If you want your players care about each other, you have to care about your coaches, your administration, and your players. If you want the officials to respect you, you have to respect them, your players, and your opponents. You need to show them what caring looks like. Call them after they get hurt in a game or at practice. You should know how many siblings they have. Can you have a conversation about their favorite subject in school, or their favorite professional sports team? Caring looks different for everyone, but it likely feels the same to everyone you care about. Coach and behave in such a way that you can proudly stay out of the ’Do as I say, not as I do’ category.
In the book transformational leader ship by Joshua Metcalf and Jamie Gilbert, they tell a story on page 114 about motivation. This is a tough one to implement, but if you can do it, and behave in the way that they are suggesting, I think you could serve you really well. The chapter is called "you've lost your privilege. See you tomorrow. "And the purpose of the chapter is to talk about motivation, and why people behave the way they do. The concept is simple, reward healthy behavior that you want to see repeated, and ignore poor behaviors. We have all heard this before, but never been given a strategy on how to do that. Most of our kids want to play, that's why they come to practice, and games. It's why we have hard conversations about playing time more than anything else. So, when your athletes love to be a part of a team, and love to play the game that you coach, the best motivator you have is the opportunity to practice and be with the team. So I want to share a story from this book, it highlights how much of a privilege it is to be able to practice with the team, and in order to earn that privilege, our athletes best effort is the price. "The easiest and most simple way to create new behaviors through and forth and clearly explained healthy boundaries with love and respect. The story they use goes like this, in order to play on this team you have to meet certain standards We set a boundary for timeliness in one of the teams I work with. The very next day three guys in the freshman class showed up late to practice. I got Coach and came over and said what should I do? I said well what do you want to do? I think I'm going to say it doesn't look like you're interested in getting better because you showed up late. You've overstepped a boundary. You lost your opportunity to get better with the team today. Go home and will see you tomorrow. Awesome, I'd like you to drop the first part we do not know why they are late that is judgment and that is irrelevant. They are late and that's all that matters. So he walked right over them shared what he had prepared and then walked away like nothing had changed. When the guys came back the next day he treated them like nothing happened and said it's great to see you today I can't wait to watch you work hard and get better as it turned out they get pulled over by the police on the way you guys result not judge them turned out to be something that significantly strengthen their relationship or three guys texted him that night sincerely apologizing and I vowed to respect boundaries moving forward since then I've been on time for everything we do. In a similar story, a coach got a text from a player who she asked to step out of practice because she was not given the effort they had said as a standard. The young lady stormed out of the gym, but later the coach got a text apologizing and promising to come back tomorrow and go hard. The coach his response was "I love you too much to allow you to make a choice like that and get away with it. You are going to make mistakes as we go but I trust that you'll learn from it and grow from it. Come back tomorrow and get back to work. We must behave in such a way that our players know we love them and care about them, even if at times they might be hard to love, or some are easier to love than others. These stories and examples are concrete ways to do that.
No written word nor spoken plea can teach young minds what they should be. Nor all the books on all the shelves, it’s what the teachers are themselves.” -Rudyard Kipling From My Personal Best by John Wooden This is a quote that I have written almost everywhere I refer to coaching materials. I keep a notebook where I write down things that I learn and resources that I know I will find helpful, and on the inside corner of that notebook I write this quote. That's a technique that I learned from Coach Matt Donahue who was my college basketball coach at Catholic University. When we signed up to be coaches, we agreed to be examples all the time. Of course, during games when players and parents can see us, but also in our personal lives, and in our daily behaviors, and habits. Our kids will forget a lot of what we teach them, but they will always remember the type of person that we were. They will remember how we conducted ourselves when we were frustrated and excited, flustered and annoyed. They will replicate what they see because they will think that whatever it is okay. They will notice if we are grateful, appreciative, thoughtful, and care about them, and they might see that it’s possible to behave that way. Conversely, they will notice if we are flustered, unprepared, hostile, or mean, and they will also see that it’s possible to behave that way too. They will remember how they felt when they were around us. We have such a responsibility as coaches, and it's a lot bigger than what we realize when we first sign up to coach. Our words do matter, our actions matter more, and I believe that how we behave is the biggest influence on our players, our team, and our program. My challenge to you is to look at who you are and how you’re behaving. Ask yourself if you would want your athletes to repeat what they see out of you daily. We have a huge responsibility, let's treat it that way.
We have all seen coaches who behave in a manner where they embarrass themselves and their team and their organization. We've also seen coaches handle certain situation but they can look back on and be proud of themselves for how they did behave. I'm sure many of us can remember times when we've been on that spectrum. The reason we're diving into behavior this week, is because we need reminders that way we act, like we talked about last week, has a bigger impact on our athletes than anything we say. We need to model the behavior that we want to see on the field or court, we need to set the expectation that everyone in our program, from players, to coaches, to parents, are to behave in a certain manner.
In the book transformational leadership by Josh Medcalf and Jamie Gilbert, on page 50 there is a story about the worlds strongest man pulling a semi truck or another vehicle about 25 meters as fast as possible. The point of the story is if you watch these guys, starting is the hardest part. Once they start, then the wheels start moving. And as long as they maintain their momentum, they are able to move forward in a way that appears a lot easier than when they first started. The point is, our first step towards action is often the hardest, and every step after that, as long as we maintain our momentum is going to be a lot easier. Not only because the wheels are moving, but also because our destination gets closer, and we can start to see it, and that gives us more motivation to continue moving, and taking action.
The parable of the talents https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parable_of_the_talents_or_minasThe "Parable of the Talents", in Matthew 25:14–30 tells of a master who was leaving his house to travel, and, before leaving, entrusted his property to his servants. According to the abilities of each man, one servant received five talents, the second had received two, and the third received only one. The property entrusted to the three servants was worth 8 talents, where a talent was a significant amount of money. Upon returning home, after a long absence, the master asks his three servants for an account of the talents he entrusted to them. The first and the second servants explain that they each put their talents to work, and have doubled the value of the property with which they were entrusted; each servant was rewarded: His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. — Matthew 25:23The third servant, however, had merely hidden his talent, burying it in the ground, and was punished by his master: Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed: And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine. His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed: Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury. Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents. For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. — Matthew 25:24–30 We are trusted to care for our athletes, push them, love them, and help them understand and realize their potential. This story applies to them as much as it does to us. When we meet God, will he tell us ‘well done, good and faithful servant?’ because we acted on what we learned and multiplied our gifts by sharing them with the kids we coach and our community? (And by doing so, show them how to do the same?) Or will he take whatever we do have away from us because we’re not using it?
Who are you waiting for permission from before you take action? Once upon a time there was a prince. He wanted nothing more than to fall in love and get married. When he came of age, he waited for his parents to set him up with someone they felt would be worthy of his love and affection. At first they were busy running things in the kingdom, so he waited longer. Then a war broke out and his parents had to deal with that. Then some opportunities to expand the kingdom came up and they were busy with those. And before he knew it, the prince had been waiting for years for his parents to find someone for him. He finally confronted them about it, upset that he’d been alone all this time. They were puzzled, hugged him and asked him ‘why didn’t you go out and find someone? You didn’t need our permission!’ Who do you think you need permission from to go after the thing you want? Most of the time, we are scared to act, so we find reasons and excuses not to. Most of the time, the mantra ‘ don’t ask first, just apologize later if you have to’ applies. Get out of your own way and go do the thing!
One of the most powerful stories I've ever heard this from a guy named David Goggins, who is a former Navy seal, and all-around beast of a man. He was on Lewis Howes podcast, the school of Greatness. He tells the story of what his version of hell would be. When he dies he meets God, and God is sitting across a desk from him and slides him a piece of paper. His name is at the top, along with a huge list of achievements, the number of people that he affected, and the lives influence positively. But David is sitting on the other side of the desk and looks down on the paper it looks up at God and says, "God this isn't my résumé, I didn't do any of the stuff when I was on earth.” God replies to him, I know. This is what you were SUPPOSED TO DO while you were on Earth. We can only achieve what we are meant to achieve when we act. We must have faith that God believes in us, and put us here to do his work. He has our backs. We must act even if we’re afraid. Here's that original Podcast : https://open.spotify.com/episode/4IcXYbZFY8HKNQq2e9Kjd0?si=BsmdcBQIR22EsEAGgGOVqw&dl_branch=1
When I started my PT clinic, I was bulidng it from nothing. I had a clinic space, but no one to fill it with. I was brand new, out of network, and was really uncomfortable telling anyone I existed as a new business. I was intimidated and shy, which usually I am not. I felt like I had to accomplish my mission and transform my whole community in a day.
That’s what made it so slow from the get go. I wanted to start with 100. I needed to start with one. When I changed my perspective to starting with one, that first ONE came pretty quickly. Then I told myself ‘get one more’, which also came pretty quickly. Soon, those 2 became 4, and the clinic has been growing ever since.
The best way for me to gain confidence was to reposition my perspective from ‘help everyone’ to ‘help SOMEONE’. As soon as my mindset adjusted to that mentality, my actions soon followed, and the result came after that.
This is our week on action and I wanna give you one of my favorite quotes from a business colleague of mine who likes to say imperfect action is better than perfect inaction. What we mean by this is it better to go out and try something and see if it works then to spend days and sometimes weeks and sometimes months and sometimes years coming up with a perfect plan but never acting on it
we try to plan things out to the T and to the letter, it happens all the time as coaches. When really, we just gotta go ahead and get in there and get the dirty work done.
That’s my challenge to you as coaches. go ahead and take imperfect action becuase it will beat the imperfect action you’re doing now.
I’d encourage this of our athletes too. We can watch the perfect crossover, serve, or pass, but the best way to get it closer to perfect is to go out and actually do it.
Three frogs are sitting on a log, and one decides to jump off. How many frogs are left sitting on the log? Most people will tell me two, because one decided to jump. The correct answer is three. Just because a frog decided to do something doesn't mean it actually did it. Our theme this week is action.
If you have ever baked potato in the microwave, and then baked potato in the oven, you know the difference in the quality and deliciousness of the final product. The point of today's podcast is to understand the quality results require time, energy, and effort. You can be a microwave coach, and it will get you by. Or you could be a 60 minutes in the oven at 400° Coach, and your final product will be outstanding.
When the guru sat down to worship each evening, the ashram cat we get in the way and would distract the worshipers. So he ordered the cat be tied during evening worship. After the guru died, the cat continued to be tied during evening worship. And when the cat expired, another cat was brought to the ashram so that it could be duly tied during the evening worship. Centuries later learned treatises were written by the guru's disciples on the liturgical significance of tying up a cat while worship is being performed." Why do we do what we do? I challenge you to look at some of your habits or rituals as a coach, a staff, and a team, and understand the reasoning for your decisions and habits.
We can only handle 1 piece of information at a time. We can only truly focus on 1 task at a time. Doug Lemov's biggest takeaway from literally writing books on 'getting better at getting better' was that we must work within the confines our our working memory to perform optimally.
"When we set children against one another in contests from spelling bees to awards assemblies to science fairs, that are really contests, from dodgeball to honor rolls to prizes for the best painting or the most books read - we teach them to confuse excellence with winning, as if the only way to do something well is to outdo others. We encourage them to measure their own value in terms of how many people they've been which is not exactly a path to mental health. We invite them to see their peers not as potential friends or collaborators but as obstacles to their own success. Finally we leave children to regard whatever they are doing as a means to an end: the point isn't to paint or read or design a science experiment, but win. The act of painting reading or designing is there by devalued in the child’s mind." Alfie Kohn, The Myth of the Spoiled Child
"I saw a monkey reach into the river, take out a fish and put it in a tree. 'What are you doing? I asked the monkey. 'I'm saving him from drowning' he replied.
Remember that our athletes are like the fish and the monkey. Each is going to thrive and excel in certain environments, and those environments might change on a daily basis. Learn about your athletes and how they feel appreciated, loved, encouraged and discouraged. It will help you help them.
Coach Todd Wolfson is the varsity boy's basketball coach at St. Francis High School in La Cañada, California. Today we took some time to talk about why he coaches, the importance of trusting everyone in your program, doing things differently from others around you, and the importance of patience and understanding that we don't need to win the championship in the first 2-3 days of the season. Coach Wolfson can be reached via twitter at @SFHSHoops (https://twitter.com/SFHShoops?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor)
My dad likes to day 'you can't be anyone other than who you are'. Often we hear people asking us or our athletes "oh are you going to be the next Michael Jordan?" and while that's fine to have role models and people to look up to, I think it's important to encourage our athletes (and ourselves) to be the best version of YOU. Not the second best version of Michael Jordan.
LeBron James embodies this beautifully in this 15 second clip here
https://www.espn.com/watch/player/_/id/25317911
In the Apple TV series Ted Lasso, there’s a great line about how every disadvantage has its own advantage. My challenge to you is to pretend like you’re a novice at coaching your support and attack it with the enthusiasm that you would if you were just starting out
Will you pull a kid out of the game for making a mistake or two or three? I’ve started to change my philosophy on taking kids out of games for mistakes. I pay more attention to what happens immediately after the mistake and the mistake itself, because I believe that that has a greater impact on our team than the mistake itself does. I try to practice mistake recovery in practice like I would any other skill, and try to model it for our kids. I challenge you to look at your own philosophy and practice mistake recovery like you would any other skill in your sport.
Once upon a time a prince was cursed by a witch. He was given a frog to eat, and he wouldn’t live to see the next day unless he ate the frog. Every morning after, a frog appeared on his doorstep, and he would have to eat it before the end of the day if he wanted to live to see tomorrow. At first he waited until the last possible minute to eat the frog, and he dreaded his entire day knowing that he was going to have to eat it at 11:59 that night. When he ran into the witch again, she suggested that he start to eat the frog first thing in the morning. So the next day he tried it, And he did not dread his entire day. The end. What is your frog? My challenge to you is to eat it at the beginning of the day. Get the tough stuff done and let it help you get better.
In the book “transformational leadership” by Joshua Medcalf and Jamie Gilbert, chapter 29 is titled “start equipping. Stop enabling”. Josh tells a story of training a soccer player and using a tool to increase his effort very specifically and very effectively.
In his book tha coach’s guide to teaching, Doug Lemov references giving feedback towards actions, not towards people. This plays in important role in how our athletes perceive us giving them feedback, and also building up our culture and how we want our organization to behave.
On an episode of the hardwood hustle podcast, Tony Bennett released some advice that his dad gave to him when recruiting his athletes and coaching staff. His advice is to find the people that you can lose with, and in our jobs as developing athletes and people, it’s important that our kids know how important losing is and what it can do for us in the long run.
“The willingness to experiment with change may be the single most essential ingredient to success at anything” - Pat Summit. John Gordon’s book “the coffee bean” gives the notion that challenging situations can change us, or we can use the challenging situation to change our situation and ourselves. I challenge everyone to get in front of the changes happening in your life, embrace it, and use it to improve your situation.
I want to provide environment for my teams, where they know that I’ll take the good parts, and the bad parts, the wins and the losses, the parts they’re proud of and the parts they’re not so proud of. I want our cultures and environments to be accepting, loving, and understanding, so that I can challenge them when I need to.
An old donkey fell down a well on the farm. The farmer could choose to spend a lot of money and get the donkey out of the well, or bury him, and close off the well at the same time. He decided on the latter. When the donkey got hit with piles of dirt, he shook them off and stepped up onto them. He used his adversity to propel him forward and get himself out of a tough situation.
When you pause a drill in practice, how long do you talk for? Time yourself next time and see if you can keep it under 30 seconds. Doug lemon talks about 'aligned feedback' in his book the Coaches' Guide to Teaching, and it means that 'our words matter'. and you're going to hold your players accountable to the thing you paused the drill for. And ONLY that thing! This is hard to do, because we have to let a lot of other things go, but it's impactful and helps our players learn better.
A coaching colleague of mine from Key 5 told us that his most effective halftime speeches are the ones where he says nothing. His team could be playing better, so he walks in the locker room, stands by the board, and says nothing for three, four, five minutes. When he does decide to say something he has everyone's full attention, and his words hit.
Once upon a time there was a guy who wanted to a paratrooper. So he got up in the military plane on his first day of training, and when it was his turn to jump, he froze. He told his instructor 'I'm too scared to jump' , and the instructor said to him, 'do you really want to be a paratrooper?' he replied 'more than anything in the world', and the instructor said back to him, "Do it scared". Confused, the prospective soldier looked at him. The officer said, I've seen hundreds of guys jump out of these planes...if you want to be a soldier, you have to be brave. you have to do it, even if you're scared." Knowing he was right, the soon to be soldier jumped, and went on to live his dream of being a paratrooper. He had to do it scared. So do we.
Today I want to share the story of my college hoops days in some successes we had and some failures that propelled us into history
https://www.hubgets.com/blog/5-incredible-olympic-stories-that-will-inspire-you-to-never-give-up/
watch that video about Wilma Rudolph, who was diagnosed with Polio as a child in the 1950s. The Olympics are a great time to understand the stories behind our athletes and heroes. Remember that we all have the potential to be great, but the discipline, training, and commitment to get us there is what makes these olympians unique
New Zeland All Blacks Coach Dave Hadfield said "if you chase 5 rabbits, you catch none". which rabbits are you and/or your players chasing? Would you catch one of them if you just focused on it?
Source - James Clear’s newsletter A parable from priest and therapist Anthony de Mello on the stories we tell ourselves:
"A man found an eagle's egg and put it in a nest of a barnyard hen. The eaglet hatched with the brood of chickens and grew up with them.
All his life the eagle did what the barnyard chicks did, thinking he was a barnyard chicken. He scratched the earth for worms and insects. He clucked and cackled. And he would thrash his wings and fly a few feet into the air.
Years passed and the eagle grew very old. One day he saw a magnificent bird above him in the cloudless sky. It glided in graceful majesty among the powerful wind currents, with scarcely a beat of its strong golden wings.
The old eagle looked up in awe. "Who's that?" he asked.
"That's the eagle, the king of the birds," said his neighbor. "He belongs to the sky. We belong to the earth—we're chickens."
So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that's what he thought he was."
Source: Song of the Bird
“Great coaches are learners who are obsessed with giving you the tools and support to make you a little bit better every day.” -Daniel Coyle
When the caterpillar emerges from a cocoon as a butterfly, it needs to struggle in order for its wings to build strength. Our athletes are the same way. They need to go through the struggle in order to gain confidence and get stronger.
When you set out to do something (practice for an hour, coach a game, workout, take a vacation, you name it) - you should have a WHY for doing that thing. and at the end of it, you should darn well have achieved that WHY!
TJ Rosene, the Templeton Plan, water the bamboo. All three of these encourage us to write down our values and to define them, so we can better understand ourselves, and use them to guide our decision making
How does the locker room look when your team leaves it ? How does your car look when you get out of it ? How you do anything is how you do everything. https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cnn.com/cnn/2018/07/03/football/japan-belgium-russia-thank-you-locker-room-trnd/index.html
I’m learning a lot about training dogs in preparing to get our puppy. Here’s one thing I learned, that also works on humans
James clear talks about the concept of reprogramming your brain to enjoy hard habits through the concept of “get to vs. have to”
Leaders eat last, page 29 we cannot tell people to trust us. We cannot instruct people to come up with big ideas. And we certainly can’t demand the people cooperate. These are always results, the results of feeling safe and trusted among the people with whom we work
"One of the best secrets of a happy life is the art of extracting comfort and sweetness from every circumstance...
People are always looking for happiness at some future time and in some new thing, or some new set of circumstances, in possession of which they some day expect to find themselves. But the fact is, if happiness is not found now, where we are, and as we are, there is little chance of it ever being found. There is a great deal more happiness around us day by day than we have the sense or power to seek and find.
If we are to cultivate the art of living, we should cultivate the art of extracting sweetness and comfort out of everything, as the bee goes from flower to flower in search of honey."
Subscribe to James Clear's newsletter here: https://jamesclear.com/3-2-1/refer?rh_ref=db735b32
Actress Tallulah Bankhead said, "If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner."
Coach Tony Bennett is quoted as saying “if you learn to use it right, the adversity, it will buy you a ticket to a place you couldn’t have gone any other way “ where is your adversity buying you a ticket to ?
Oxytocin is known as our “love chemical”. Here’s why your team needs it in order to succeed
I have a patient whose granddaughter just graduated middle school, and walked in probably proclaiming, it’s a miracle! Little did I know that this granddaughter of hers was born at 1.5 lbs and almost didn’t make it. Every person we coach truly is a miracle.
Go listen to the song September by Earth wind and fire. You’ll hear what I’m talking about. “Don’t let the lyrics get in the way of the groove”
If you can find an obituary that says this person was a natural born X Y Z, and never had to put in any time or extra work, Dr. Gilbert will give you 100 grand.
James clear’s newsletter today says , "You don’t need a better computer to become a writer.
You don’t need a better guitar to become a musician.
You don’t need a better camera to become a photographer.
What you need is to get to work."
I saw an interview with a businessman who noted that on occasion, if his kid wants to cuddle, or read, play an extra five minutes in the mornings, even if it means he’s late to a meeting, or his kid is late to school, he’s going to spend that extra time. Savor every moment and keep the important things, the important things
Eleanor Roosevelt said “great minds talk about ideas, average minds talk about events, small minds talk about people “ what kinds of minds are you surrounding yourself with ?
Paul revere drew a depiction of the Boston Massacre that was published in newspapers shortly after the event. It shows 1 side of the story. What side of the story is being told by you, and all the people in your program ? https://www.gilderlehrman.org/node/2148
Dr. Gilbert used to close every message on his success Hotline with the phrase, “don’t count the days, make the days count "
Players play. Coaches coach. Officials officiate. Parents support. What roles does everyone play in your program ?
Yesterday, we got to celebrate Pierce’s third birthday and I learned a valuable lesson while playing with the kids
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asch_conformity_experiments Where are you or your players conforming ? Do you even realize it ?
Remember what was in Michael Jordan’s secret stuff in space jam? Everything we need is already inside of us.
As coaches, we are a problem solver’s, but sometimes we just need to be there for our people
Do you have faith in your players? Do they have faith in you? A lesson from Monsignor Kelly this morning
Here’s the story of the 4 oxen , who had each other’s backs. One day they didn’t, and a lion brought each one to its end.
Bob Proctor once said, “Everyone is born rich, most people don’t have a lot of money.” What he meant was that we all have the same capacity to fulfill our unique potential. Do you believe in your athletes? Or do you believe in their potential?
In my conversation with a podcast guest yesterday, he mentioned that why he coaches is because he gets to serve his team. In What ways are you serving your team?
What kind of environment are you providing for your athletes? What kind of environment are you providing for yourself to be able to grow?
Yesterday, we were playing a game with all my nieces and nephews, and my niece encountered a challenge that allowed me to practice what I preach.
According to psychologist Scott Bari, narcissistic people feel entitled, well confident people understand that they might be good, but they’re probably not the best in the world. What do you or your players feel entitled to?
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “every man I meet is my superior in someway, in that way, I learned from him “. Who are you surrounded by that you can learn from? The answer, is everyone.
If you woke up today with only the things that you were grateful for yesterday, what would you still have?
That girls on the run today, our message to ourselves was, “you are stronger than you think”. That holds true for our athletes, as well as for you as a coach
Coach John wooden has a famous definition of success. Success is peace of mind knowing you did all you could to become the best version of yourself. Challenge you to remind your players of this, and use that as your barometer for success in the future
Rather than relying on yourself to remember to do some thing, or practice something, or change something, alter your environment that you will have to do that thing, and see how simple it can really be to accomplish what you want to accomplish
1- what am I currently doing that I should do more of? 2- what am I currently doing that I need to stop doing? 3- What am I not doing that I need to start doing?
You need to have courage to hear the answers to these, but I guarantee you they’ll help you learn more about yourself, and grow as a person
I don’t know anyone who’s out here messing up on purpose. Here’s a little story on an interaction I had with a player a few weeks ago
Two little fish are swimming in the ocean, looking for something. They come across two older fish, and ask “hey, can you help us find the ocean?” And the two big fish look at each other, laugh, look back at the kids and say “you’re in it “. Appreciate the process and the relationships you make along the way.
Giving and taking away confidence is a really powerful tool to allow someone else to Have control over. Believe in your players potential, and make sure they understand that their value as a human being has nothing to do with how good they are at sports
Just because something is simple, doesn’t make it easy to do. Boil down what you’re trying to do to the absolute necessities, and then stay consistent with it. The simplicity makes it easy the consistency makes it difficult
In his Monday motivation yesterday, Mano Watsa presented the idea that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. I challenge you to look at your five people, whether it’s physical or digital, and ensure if that’s where you want to go
We hear it too often, “ just change your mindset“, But what the heck does that mean? In today’s episode we dive into that, and how to solve problems from different angles.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
Dr. Gilbert's success hotline number is 973-743-4690
What type of coach are you? What type of son/daughter/husband/wife/employer/employee, etc.? Do you behave like that? Our habits are linked to who we are, and eventually become who we are
Are our goals what make us successful, or is it the process that helps us reach them that sets us apart?
James clear his book atomic habits starts with an introduction to the concept of getting one percent better every day. Here’s my take
My niece Maren is four years old. Here’s a little story about the power of persistence and her Mickey Mouse pajamas
In this episode I speak with Coach Jason Oates, host of the podcast Whistle and a Clipboard, and coach of several youth football, baseball, basketball and softball teams over the years. Jason is a big reason this podcast exists, as he inspired me to begin talking with coaches and people who knew more than me, and as I became a big fan of his podcast and people he had on. In this episode we talk about"
-Emancipating excellence from our players, meaning they have all they need inside of them, it's our job to help bring it out
-The challenge of getting kids to develop on their own, in their sport and in life
-How Learning hides in mistakes that we and our players make
-Adapting to what our players needs helps them learn better and helps us connect with them better
-Communicating in a way that builds trust and strength vs. communicating in a way that builds fear
-"The more we learn, the more we understand how little we really know"
Jason's recommendations for improving your coaching craft include:
Be Like Walt - Pat Williams
Wooden's forgotten Teams - Pat Williams
Marketing Outrageously - Jon Spoelstra
You can find Jason on Twitter @jasonHoates, and his podcast's twitter account @WCPodcast1 and be sure to check out his podcast, Whistle and a Clipboard wherever you listen to podcasts
Today I speak with Coach Joe Fussner, who served as the head women’s basketball coach at Stockton University in NJ for 26 seasons. He finished his career at Stockton with 410 wins, and his teams saw tremendous success including 2 conference championship titles in 2000 and 2005. Coach Fuss still enjoys breaking down film for local teams and his former assistant coaches and players who are now coaching at various levels. He is a true student of the game. In this episode we talk about
-the differences in coaching boys vs. girls hoops
-what it takes to be a leader
-what coaches should expect of their captains
-the importance of communication (athletes to athletes, athletes to coaches, and coaches to coaches)
-what accountability really is
-how important team chemistry is and some strategies to develop it
Coach Fuss’s resources include any of Coach Dean Smith’s books or articles
In this episode I speak with Coach Rick Brownell of Arcadia University Women's Soccer. Coach Brownell is in his 18th season at the helm for the Knights, and has had a unique journey into coaching, having never been an assistant coach and jumping in full time in a head coaching position. He has had tremendous success within his programs, but attributes those wins to staying committed to the process and doing the daily little things consistently. In this episode we discuss:
-How communication is the foundation to a successful program
-Trusting your instincts when it comes to decision making and handling difficult situations
-Leading by example and consistently supporting your athletes rather than 'pulling them along'
-How success comes when your athletes want it more than you do
-Understanding where your players are coming from, so you can support them in their journey towards success and greatness
-Keeping soccer in perspective, and allowing it to contribute towards a positive and well-rounded collegiate experience
-Trusting that his players are holding each other accountable in the off-season and summer months
-The foundation of confidence is doing something that you're proud of every day
Coach Brownell recommends The Talent Code By Dan Coyle as his resource for coaches to improve their craft.
He can be reached via his e mail brownelr@arcadia.edu, and you can learn more about Arcadia Women's Soccer Here
Jeff Bezos said, "In he end, we are our choices"
Myron Golden said, "The only reason anyone does anything is because they CHOOSE to do it"
And Albus Dumbledore said, "“It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
Today I talk about the concept of time management vs. choice management. How are you choosing to spend your time? WHY are you choosing to spend it that way? Have a listen and let me know what you think!
Keep getting better every day! -Coach Kelli
Accomplished leaders create an environment in which their people can develop their skills, their knowledge, and their character. This leads to a learning environment in a culture of curiosity, innovation and continuous improvement. - James Kerr, Legacy. It's so important to understand your player's "why", and how they feel appreciated, so you can create an environment that they feel safe in and they can grow into their fullest potential. A good friend once reminded me that it's not the farmer's job to force the seeds to grow. It's the farmer's job to provide an environment in which the seats can flourish on their own. You are the farmer, your players are the seeds. Learn about them, and create an environment where they can thrive.
In this episode we talk to Coach Sydney Davis who is the executive director of girls on the run New Jersey. Sydney opens up about making a difference in the lives of the women she has worked with, and the girls who are part of the program. She discusses the importance of giving these girls a tool belt with which to deal with the challenges that they might face in their lives, to help them live with confidence. She notes the importance of having a culture of gratitude and the power in being a team, and would tell her self that persistence, and not giving up is one of life's greatest blessings, because of the lives are affecting, the example you're setting, and the people that will help you along the way. If you'd like more information or to get involved with Girls On The Run, visit GirlsOnTheRun.org, or GirlsOnTheRunNJ.org. Sydney recommends the following reads:
Dare To Lead- Brene Brown (book)
Unlocking Us - Brene Brown (podcast)
Becoming - Michelle Obama
Untamed - Glennon Doyle
Today's reflection is on my main takeaway from the book Calling up by JP Nerbun. There are many lessons to be learned from it, but the biggest one I took away was the idea of letting our athletes struggle and supporting them through that struggle, rather than trying to lower the obstacles and difficulties they face.
Dr. Jason Wright is the owner and operator of Wright Fit Physio and high-level fitness coach who uses his own personal experiences and those of his clients to elevate their training and overcome the physical, emotional, and psychological obstacles that often stand in between us and our goals. Dr. Jason opens up about his personal struggles, changes in career path, and his competitive spirit. We discussed the idea of 'not being good enough', and communicating with our clients and athletes in a way that they can relate to, and asking the right questions in order for them to feel comfortable opening up to you and actually telling you what's wrong.. Jason reminisced a baseball coach he had as a young athlete who always drove a competitive spirit in him, and communicated with him in a way that Jason knew he cared about his athletes as people, and how this made him feel as he continues to reflect fondly on his own athletic experience. Jason truly opened up and offers some wonderful insight into being vulnerable, and improving your communication. He recommends the book 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' by Dale Carnegie as a resource to better understand and interact with people. He can be found on his personal facebook page , his Instagram (@WrightFitPhysio), or email him at Jason@wrightfitpt.com.
I'm still reading 'Calling Up', and loved a quote I read in it last week.
"Hell begins the day God grans you the vision to see all that you could have done, should have done, and would have done, but did not do"
David Goggins is the Navy Seal I mentioned, you can find his interview with Lewis Howes here
Have a listen to my thoughts and let me know what YOU think!
In this episode we talk with Coach Ryan Cannon, who played DIII Men's Lacrosse and now owns his own Physical Therapy practice in Southern CA and coaches middle school boys lacrosse at the travel and AAU levels. Ryan offers a unique perspective on self-awareness, and a 'wise behind his years' understanding that not every player's 'why' is the same, talent is the same, or reason to get better at the game is not the same. We must know our players, and provide an environment that facilitates a place of growth and learning. We must put in the work and act the part.
Ryan offers the following as resources to improve your craft:
Legacy By James Kerr
The Talent Code by Dan Coyle
Ryan can be reached at his instagram account (@RyanCannon.DPT) and Twitter (RyanCannonDPT), or via his website LeadThePackPhysio
"No written word, no spoken plea can teach our youth what they should be, nor all the books on all the shelves, it's what the teachers are themselves."
Today's see one, do one, teach one is my reflection and thoughts on John Wooden's favorite poem. I think it's a great summary and reminder that we are examples and teachers 24/7, and people will notice who we are and what we do, and more importantly how we make them feel much more than what we say. I also touch on love and it's place in our purpose and in our relationships with our players, staff, and ourselves.
In today's episode I talk with author and strength and conditioning coach Nick Winkelman, who is an expert in the the use of language and it's effect on learning various motor skills. His book, The Language of Coaching: The Art & Science of Teaching Movement, is available on Amazon now (Kindle and print copies available) and serves as a practical guide to improving HOW we coach with the words, phrases, and timing we choose. Nick is passionate about his field, an expert in the areas of strength and conditioning, and was a pleasure to speak with and get to know. You can learn more about him and pick up his book on TheLanguageOfCoaching.com or on Amazon.
In this episode we talk about:
- Understanding the Why behind your athletes and getting to know them as people
- Adapting your language to fit what works best for THEM and helps them learn the motor skill you're teaching
- If "how you practice is how you play", why wouldn't you speak the same in a games as you do in practice?
- The difference between an 'internal cue' and 'external cue' and the benefits and drawbacks of each
- Beginning each session with the 'What, Why, & How" so your athletes are primed to learn and prepared for your feedback
- Specific, implementable strategies to use TODAY with your athletes (offering choices, A/B options, using athletic tape on their clothes to show them what you want them to do), to help them learn, see, and do what you're attempting to teach them
- Proving your competency as a coach through questions to your athletes and the Self Determination Theory
- Why coaches must be dynamic why a culture where it's safe to fail is a great method for allowing growth and self-development
Nick offers the following as resources to improve your craft as a coach:
The Inner Game of Tennis - The Classic Guide to the Mental Side of Peak Performance by Timothy Gallwey
Practice Perfect by Doug Lemov
The Little Book of Talent by Dan Coyle
Attention and Motor Learning - Gabriele Wulf
The Language of Coaching: The Art and Science of Teaching Movement by Nick Winkelman
Nick can be reached through his website TheLanguageOfCoaching.com, and Twitter and Instagram @Nick Winkelman. I'd encourage you to check out his talk "What We Say Matters" at the NSCA convention in 2018 on YouTube Here. And take his mini course available through his website.
I'm reading Mother Theresa's autobiography, and one of the first lines that stuck with me was a quote from one of her early mentors, Father Jambrekovic which was "Joy...was the compass that pointed in the direction of life."
That's the topic for today's deep dive. It reminded me of a quote from one of my favorite professors in college, who ended an e mail to me with 'Find joy and happiness, and success will follow". In this episode, I talk about the journey being the reward, and how those journeys look different to each of our players. The challenge of coaching is constantly directing and feeding a player's 'why', finding their 'joy' and giving them consistent reminders of that along the journey of your season.
I hope you guys enjoy this. Here's the link to the book.
Thanks for joining us on today's episode. I had the chance to talk with coach Matt Buchi of the University of Illinois Men's Wheelchair Basketball Team. Coach Buchi suffered a spinal cord injury in a car accident at 9 years old, and after going through rehabilitation was introduced to adaptive sports and wheelchair basketball. He was hooked on the game since, and played in middle, high school and college. In 2008 his team won the College Wheelchair Basketball Championship in his senior at Illinois. Matt stayed on as a graduate assistant (where he helped guide the team to another National Championship in 2010), and is now going into his 8th season as head coach. Wheelchair basketball has given Matt the chance to travel the world and influence thousands of lives, including those in Tokyo, Niger, and Isreal. In this episode we discuss:
- Seeing and hearing yourself from your player's perspective, and how that lets you effectively communicate with them
- "Being a gamer" and what that means to his team
- The role and importance of tradition in his program (U of I has the oldest wheelchair basketball program in the country)
- How learning from losses, especially as a player, can propel you to work harder to win a championship the following year
- Ways to smooth over rough patches in the season and how to prepare for them by communicating with your players consistently and being open and available to them
- The importance of creativity and the role it plays in coaching, and not being afraid to think outside the box when it comes to drills, skills, and applications outside of sport
- Taking your time when you're a new head coach, and respecting tradition while allowing yourself to receive feedback on things that should stay the same, and things that should change
- How being consistent in the eyes of your athletes might look different in the eyes of a coach
Matt is tremendously insightful and genuine. He offers the following as resources for improving your craft as a coach:
PGC Basketball
Key5 Coaching
Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins
Raise Your Game by Alan Stein Jr.
What does your language say about your team culture? In this very first "See one, do one, teach one" episode, I give you my primary takeaway from the book The Culture Code by Dan Coyle. He tells stories and gives examples of phrases and language that only people within the group fully understand. It becomes part of who they are. I think this is really powerful when it comes to defining a group's identity. Let me know what your catchphrases are, or what you've seen work or not work. Thanks for listening. You can check out The Culture Code Here.
Today we dive into a conversation with author and professor John McCarthy at Montclair State University. Coach McCarthy teaches Principles and Problems of Coaching at MSU, and is involved with Dr. Rob Gilbert in the sports psychology department there. He is the author of What Would Yogi Do? Guidelines for Athletes, Coaches and Parents Who Love Sports. In this episode we talk about:
His challenges of not knowing anything about coaching when he first started, and proving his competency early in his career The benefits of being organized and importance of having a structured practice Coaches win practice, players win games, and your player’s preparation, reactions to mistakes, and ability to play the game well is a sign of your competency as a coach Players don’t make mistakes on purpose, so the younger the level you coach, the more patience you need to have. If you’re not patient, you’re going to criticize, and very infrequently that’s what your players need 75% of kids drop out of sports by age 13, and they do so because it’s not fun, because coaches focus so much on winning, and practices are military-style instead of fun Staying calm and being patient is a mindset We can only control our preparation and our effort Having a ‘next play’ mentality and playing for your teammates, who drudge through practices and long bus rides with you How you must be consistent as a coach. You need to show up as the same person, day in and day out, so your players know what to expect from you. People grow at different rates, and you can’t force your kids to grow, you must take time to find out what’s going on in their lives and sympathize with them Emphasizing that players need to develop their own critical thinking skills Telling the kids ‘why’ drills and situations are important Teaching ‘bounce-back-ability’ through stories, like this example of Evan Ruggiero It’s not what I know, it’s what my kids learn Having 1 rule: “Be in the right place, at the right time, and do the right thing” I can tell you what, and i can teach you how, but if you don’t understand WHY, you’re not going to buy in
This was a tremendously insightful episode. Coach McCarthy recommends these resources to continue learning and improving your craft as a coach: Getting To Us by Seth Davis & Mark Deakins Above The Line Urban Meyer Sum It Up By Pat Summit Toughness by Jay Bilas What Would Yogi Do? Guidelines for Athletes, Coaches and Parents Who Love Sports by Professor John McCarthy MSU Professor John McCarthy Has A Plan To Save Youth Sports
In this episode we talk with the all-time winningest coach in Moravian College Women's Basketball History, Mary Beth Spirk, who now also heads up the Moravian College Athletic Department. She currently ranks in the top 10 winningest records of active DIII coaches, and coached against me as a college player back in 2012 & 2013. Coach Spirk has 33 years of coaching experience at the college level, and sheds a fraction of that on us in that in this interview. We talk about:
- Having a team of individuals (in October) come together as one unit by February and March
- Helping her players become better basketball players while at the same time becoming better people
- How the best, most fun, and most successful teams are those that care about one another and respect each other the most
- Having versatility in team bonding activities from year to year and willingness to change and adapt is paramount to staying successful for every team
- Recruits who are 'good people' are ideal players for any program, and how empathy and conscientiousness of right and wrong can make that easy to become
- Spending 1 on 1 and small-group time with your team allows you to understand them better and help them excel on the court and in life
- An interaction with her All-American player during a conference championship which taught her and her team and coaching staff one of the most valuable lessons of her coaching career
- How winning, especially early on in a career, is not everything, and enjoying the process of becoming a team and the little victories is one of the most rewarding aspects of coaching
This is a good one. Coach Spirk is a wealth of knowledge and I'm truly grateful for her time and expertise. You can check out Coach Spirk's bio from the Moravian website here.
She shared these resources with us, and mentions Pat Summitt and Coach Mike Krzyzewski as wells of information. You can check out their books here
Pat Summitt: Sum It Up, Reach For The Summit, Raise The Roof
Coach K: Leading With Heart , Beyond Basketball, The Gold Standard
Today we talk to Coach Nate Williams of SoCal, where he grew up, and now is coaching high school baseball at El Toro High School and Football at San Clemente High School in California. Coach Williams offers insight into:
- Which Coaches he had growing up influenced his life positively and ultimately guided him into coaching
- The importance of being disciplined but having fun in order to earn the respect of your players
- How communicating (and lack thereof) between the coaching staff can elevate an entire program and reflect positively for the kids
- How to get to know your players better, so that you can coach them the best way possible
- Using social media to stay in touch with players in his programs and show his pride/excitement for them
- How knowing and explaining the 'why' behind a strategy, technique, or game plan generates confidence and autonomy in players
- Why continuously learning and improving yourself as a person allows you to coach your team better
- Soaking up as much wisdom, as many books, and all the resources you can as a young coach, to grow and learn from others' wisdom and mistakes and victories
Coach Williams offers these resources to other coaches to help them improve their craft:
Leadership: John Gordon
Cody Alexander- MatchQuarters.com
Chris Fore- eightlaces.org
Randy Jackson- coachrandyjackson.com
Joe Daniel Football- joedanielfootball.com
Coach Vass - CoachVass.com
If you'd like to learn more about Coach Williams, you can find him on Twitter at @Coach_NW
In this episode we talk to Dr. Mat Parker of Parker Physio in Encinitas, California, who has been coaching little league baseball for children with special needs for 3 years. Dr. Mat offers insight into
- How to improve and maintain high levels of communication between players and parents, and the crucial role this plays into ensuring the players have a great experience and have fun.
- The virtue of patience in dealing with athletes, especially those who have special needs, and how empathy and understanding make him a better coach and physical therapist
- Establishing and maintaining a culture of fun, lightheartedness, and camaraderie, especially at a time when youth sports can be as competitive as ever
- Persisting in developing relationships with athletes so they trust you and allow you to teach them
- Finding common ground with your athletes in order to learn about them and developing a relationship you both look forward to
And so much more!
Mat mentions these books as resources for improving yourself and your communication:
Chop Wood, Carry Water by Joshua Medcalf
Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson
Thank you, Mat, for what you do for your community and for sharing your story and resources with the coaching world. If you'd like to learn more about Mat, check out his website at https://parkerphysio.com/, and check him out on instagram at @parkerphysio. The organization Mat coaches with is Challenger Little League, check out their website here if you'd like to get involved.
In this episode we talk with Dave McAndrew, who has been officiating for 25 years and lives by the mantra 'Make the game better'. He dedicates his time as an official to his dad, who loved the game and encouraged Dave to get into officiating after he suffered a knee injury in high school. Dave offers a tremendous perspective on interactions with coaches, players, parents, and fellow officials. He has officiated women's college basketball since 2001 and spent this past summer officiating the Big 3 Tournament across the US. In this episode we talk about:
The time and effort that officials take in improving themselves and their skills, including reading and re-reading the rules and case book, and watching and analyzing their own game film How every play is like a snowflake, and managing a game and all 10 players is as much an art as it is a science The importance of COMMUNICATING with coaches, players, and the officiating crew throughout a game in order to best 'get back to basketball' The excitement throughout the season, how officials hustle to get to games, remain professional, and get called to continue their seasons, just like teams competing in post-season play Officials don't care who wins or loses, they care about the 10 players on the floor at any given time How it improves everyone's experience if players can control their emotions and play the game the right way Parental involvement, and the importance of asking questions in order to understand a rule or a whistle
Dave is a tremendous resource, mentor and friend, and is always available to answer questions or clarify rules. He can be reached via e mail at davesju9931@aol.com.
Coach Shannon Cornine is currently entering her 6th season as the head girls Lacrosse coach at DePaul High School in NJ. Coach Cornine spent 3 years as an assistant there before transitioning to head coaching responsibilities. In this episode we talk about:
- Learning from coaches she played for in how she wanted to behave and how that shaped her philosophy
- How overcoming a 0 win season made her adjust, grow, and improve as a coach and person
- Effectively communicating with your staff and assistants to ensure everyone's on the same page and moving in the same direction
- Creative ideas for overcoming pre-season challenges and being forced indoors due to weather
- Strategies for motivating players throughout the season and before big games
- Letting players try new positions and ideas in practice and games in order to expand their roles and horizons
Coach Cornine can be reached via her e mail (ccornine@dpchs.com) or Twitter, and you can follow the DePaul Catholic Spartans Girls Lacrosse program's social media on Twitter and Instagram.
Have a listen and let us know what you think!
Coach Kat Jax Reed is entering her 6th season as the head girls basketball coach at Episcopal High School, a boarding school in Alexandria, VA. In this episode, we talked about
- The influences Kat's coaches have had on her career as a head coach
- The difference between being an assistant at the college level and head coach at the high school level
- Maintaining relationships with players well after they're finished playing
- The importance of practicing at game pace and going through various situations to let your players figure out solutions to problems
- How communication with players through meetings and active listening improves trust
- Keeping coaching and sports in perspective
- Evaluating players at tryouts based on skill and coach-ability, teamwork and communication
You can reach out to Coach Reed via twitter (@CoachKatReed).
In this episode we go DEEP, allowing for time and space to learn about how instructing and teaching the practice of Yoga allows one to become more oneself. Steph offers insight and strategies for empathetic listening, meeting her students where they are, and being present and grounded for the purposes of making yourself the most effective teacher. We discuss the importance of having a routine as a coach before a class or practice, and understanding that students are bringing their unique perspectives and needs to their practice every time they show up. Steph ends the episode with this thought, "Nothing ever stays exactly as it is. Everything changes. In time and with each breath, everything changes." I learned a TON from Steph and hope you will as well. If you'd like to reach out to Steph and learn more about her practice, you can find her on Instagram at Steph.Bellissimo Here are the links for the resources mentioned throughout the Podcast: Renee Sills, Embodied Astrology Body Mind Centering Fighting Monkey
Dr. Kristen Schulz is a physical therapist and running coach currently based in North Dakota, and just finished her first year of coaching high school Cross Country. She had a unique situation where the head coach went out on maternity leave 6 weeks into the season, so she had to adjust from being an assistant to head coach for the last 5 weeks of their season.
In this episode we talk about
- The importance of strength training and pre season programs for athletes
- The different challenges that come with coaching boys and girls at the same time, and 7-12th graders at once
- Getting to know each athlete's 'why' and how it affects their performance in practices and meets
- The sense of gratitude and accomplishment that comes from excelling in the perfect conditions to run in
- Why not performing your best at a meet can propel you to approach the next race with focus and precision
- Specific strategies for getting your mindset in the right place before a race
- How to be a leader by example when you carry the title of 'Coach'
This is a great episode for runners, coaches, and athletes alike. Kristen offers humor, insight, and reflection on a memorable first year of coaching.
Kristen can best be reached through her instagram account (Kristen_RunYourLife), and Personal Facebook Page and Business Page. She mentions the book Daniel's Running Formula as a great resource for all runners and running coaches, and the app VdotO2 as a helpful tool in developing running plans for athletes.
Today we talk to Coach Tina Beauvais, who currently is serving her second year as the Team Chaplain for the University of Northern Colorado Women's Basketball Team, and who previously coached 3 years varsity girls basketball at Dayspring Christian Academy in Colorado.
"Coach Beau" provides a wealth of knowledge and experience in proving to be an example for her players, as she started her basketball career in 7th grade, and knew immediately she wanted to coach because of the influence she could have on each player's life and potential. A mother of 5, including her 12 year old daughter who has Muscular Dystrophy, Coach Beau talks about the importance of teaching our players 'grit' and mental toughness, and giving them space and strategies to learn those skills the same way we would teach them skills specific to our sport.
In this episode, you'll learn:
- What's involved in the roles and responsibilities of being a Team Chaplain at the college level
- Specific strategies to develop the culture you want in your program with daily practices
- How to get your team to communicate effectively through the use of names and daily drills to emphasize this
- That in order to learn something new, you need to be okay losing something in that process
- How to improve your Xs & Os knowledge and instincts by scouting other teams and knowing your own
- How to find a mentor and use them effectively
- The importance of knowing your 'WHY' and referring back to it, refining it, and sharing it with your support system
Coach Beau's final words of advice are 'Remember why you love the game & don't forget to enjoy it". She mentions these resources towards the end of the episode to help coaches improve their craft:
Books: Stuff Good Players Should Know by Dick DeVenzio, Runnin' The Show by Dick DeVenzio, The Ideal Team Player by Patrick Lencioni
Podcasts: The Hardwood Hustle hosted by TJ Rosene and Adam Bradley
If you'd like to reach out to Coach Beau, learn more of her story, or talk hoops at all, you can reach her via e-mail (ihavethejoy@gmail.com), friend her on Facebook (Tina Marr Beauvais), or follow her on Twitter @coachtinabeau
In this episode, we talk with Coach Dominique Edwards, a 2007 graduate and 4 year letterwinner at Rutgers University who went on to play professional soccer and coach at the Division I level before coaching high school girls varsity soccer. In this episode we talk about:
- What it takes to play at the Division I level
- The importance of motivation and the mental strategies she used as a player and coach to keep her team operating on the same wavelength
- Learning more from losses than wins (and the immediate thoughts coaches and players deal with after a loss)
- The importance of keeping youth soccer fun for young players
- Advice for parents and players of youth athletes on how to allow your child to enjoy and excel in the game
- Why and how to be more approachable as a coach, especially of young women
Here's the quote Coach Dom was looking for as we closed out the episode, "Somewhere behind the athlete you've become, and the hours of practice and the coaches who have pushed you is the little girl who fell in love with the game and never looked back. Play for her."
And the book, The Secret and Movie that Coach Dome references as a great resource for coaches and players to learn the importance of visualization, and improve their craft.
Let me know what you think and reach out to me if you'd like to get in touch with Coach Dome.
In this Episode, we talk with 2 time Landmark Conference Champion Coach Matt Donohue. Coach Donohue provides a wealth of knowledge of the game of basketball, and an enthusiasm for coaching and the game that is contagious.
We talk about using KEY WORDS to ground you during the heat of competition, strategies to implement right now in order to make your team problem solve and be mentally tough, developing an environment and culture where your whole team feels comfortable, the hurdles and challenges in coaching at the DIII Level, how to ride the waves of a season and anticipate challenges that come up, and "Slowing Down" especially as a young coach. Coach Donohue's favorite quote is a poem from John Wooden's book "My Personal Best", and goes "Not as good as I want to be, nor as good as I ought to be, but hopefully better than I used to be".
Coach Donohue's final thought on the podcast and advice to coaches is, "Do what you love doing in a place you love doing it."
Book Recommendation: "My Personal Best" John Wooden and Steve Jameson
Youtube Recommendation: Dr. Todd Kays
Thank you so much for tuning in to Every Coach Needs A Coach! In this episode you'll learn about the purpose of the podcast, why the artwork is a brick wall, and who will most benefit from listening to it.
A huge thank you to all of the coaches who do what they do and want to get better for their athletes. This podcast is for you.
Here is a link to our 'resource library' for coaches thus far. We'll be building the library with every interview, so bookmark the page and check back frequently!
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1IAb7j6-f9ndjlTNkpZUPsPd-wZwamUKp_mW12eswHys/edit?usp=sharing