The Family Recovery Project: Recent Episodes
The Family Recovery Project
Treatment and recovery is a billion dollar industry; every Sunday we'll help you wade through the myriad of options and catch phrases and find the questions to ask to get the best help for your family.
As we remember and celebrate those that died in service to our country, we also send lots of love out to those families who are still struggling with the addiction of a loved one. Back when Frank and I were in the muck of our own family recovery, sometimes weekends like this only served as a reminder of how far we had to go. We hope this weekend we can offer some solace; some hope that one day, you will find recovery, and have a peaceful family and home again. Until then, know that we are thinking of you, and working tirelessly to help you have access to resources that will get you where you want to be.
In almost any counseling or treatment relationship, the phrase "It's time to Let Go" is uttered constantly. The question we most often hear (and have asked ourselves), is "what does that mean?!" Tonight, Frank and Jacqueline will discuss the idea that letting go is the way to happiness and growth for parents and young people, and whether or not they've experienced this. We welcome your questions and stories as we delve into a most beloved (and hated) cliche that may or may not be applicable to anyone, in any situation.
Every Sunday after we record our podcast, Frank and Jacqueline get on the phone and debrief the discussion. After our podcast where we discussed suicide among young people and those that use or abuse drugs, we had a very interesting conversation where Frank shared some very personal memories from his son's suicide attempt. Thanks to their relationship, Frank was able to and walk back through his experience to find and share the sensitive spots that he and many others still nurture. This week we'll open up that conversation for all of you in hopes that we can help others who may be feeling the same way about a traumatic experience in their lives.
What do you do if your child tells you they don't want to live anymore? This is unfortunately a common occurrence within families who have children using drugs and alcohol. With suicide rates being what they are (the CDC reported in 2015 that suicide is the second leading cause of death among 15-34 year olds) how do families respond to a child's feelings of hopelessness and despair that can lead to suicide? In this episode Frank and I will discuss some real-life experience along with hard data about how to best help someone with this mindset.
When you have a loved one who is actively using, or actively in recovery, it can present serious disruption in what may already be a tense time: holiday gatherings. We'll be taking a time out today to discuss some of the issues that can arise when you are in a situation like this, and what you can do to relieve some of the pressure, or how to apologize/forgive well the next day. Tune in and take note!
Frank experienced the treatment community at multiple facilities, and his hope was that he would eventually run into the right combination of expertise and theories to help him even if it was accidental.
Because progress was slowed by numerous setbacks, he started to suspect that he was supporting a recovery system that was based on trial and error. After repeated relapses, the only thing he knew was that he had just paid thousands of dollars for another round of treatment that was the wrong size because it didn’t fit the needs of his family. Tonight we'll talk about how to find the right treatment for you and your family, and how we can provide an alternative to the "one size fits all" merry-go-round.
Last week, we started a discussion of the murky idea of "expectations" and what to do with them, what we're told about them, and why cliches abound around them. This week is a continuation of that discussion, and we talk in depth about what families can do when faced with a loss of expecations, and what to ask a treatment professional when the subject inevitably comes up.
The idea that ‘expectations vs reality’ is still considered to be a revelationis intriguing because it is a major stimulus for the multi-billion dollar recovery and self-help industries. The continued makeover of an old idea that worked before plays a big role in sustaining the visibility and profitability of the status quo.
What families are being told today is that having unrealistic expectations about our addicts indicates that we don’t have a true connection with the reality of the situation. Thus, the prevailing method to adapt thinking to deal with this issue is to ask families to lower their expectations for treatment outcome.
We talked about anger last week, which opened up multiple topics to discuss. One theme that came up again and again was of "expectations" and how they contribute to anger. Through his journey with addiction, Frank heard many things about expectations and what to do about them. Jacqueline's experience was similar on the treatment side. Next week we'll talk about what we figured out over time, and leave you with some great food for thought around expectations and what to do with them. For this week, have a happy Valentine's Day!
We all get angry; it's a natural human reaction to a loss of expectations and witnessing the downward spiral of someone we love. Anger can disrupt the process of getting help for a young person if it's not acknowledged and properly directed.The ranges of anger associated with having to deal with addiction are complex. It is difficult to process acceptance of our addict’s choices without some level of resentment and antagonism. Whether we justify our irritation and reactions because of lies and manipulation, it is important to work our way through it and not around it.
As we discussed last week, the word "codependent" has become a buzzword in the treatment and self-help industries, and not many people know what it actually means. We hope to clear up misconceptions and help you to find your way through the myriad of labels that are applied to parents and loved ones through this process.
Do you know the actual definition of codependent? No? That’s okay, because no one does. It’s a term that was created by treatment professionals in the 80’s. In the early 80’s when treatment centers became overrun with people abusing and addicted to alcohol and drugs, clinicians attempted to lump them all together and find one label to cover the myriad of phases of addiction their clients were showing up in (read: diagnoses were becoming more and more difficult to make, and were often wrong). This led to a change in the terminology from “alcoholism” and “addicted” to “chemical dependency”. On tonight's podcast we'll discuss where the term "codependent" came from, and whether or not it actually applies to you.
Initially, we'd do anything to get our kids the help they need: second mortgage on the house, dip into savings, even ask family members for help. Before you break the bank, listen to our podcast about how to manage your finances in thisconfusing time. We'll be talking about what treatment costs, why it costs so much, and how to get the most bang for your buck.
In this episode we'll talk about the steps you take once you decide to get help. First we'll spend some time discussing what role The Family Recovery Project hopes to play in the future with families who are wading through the murky waters of seeking treatment. Next, we'll talk about some of the obstacles you'll encounter and how to mindfully side-step those that will send you down an exhausting and expensive path. Once again, this is a very scary, confusing time for families, and we're here to help and guide you through.
SUSPICION AND CONFIRMATION
One of the first emotions families and loved ones experience when dealing with addiction is suspicion. It usually starts with seeing changes in behavior and choices and ends with accusations and denial that become a daily cycle of crisis.
Suspicion destroys feelings of trust. When an addict’s substance abuse is eventually confirmed, thoughts of betrayal enter the mind. The lies and manipulation suddenly become clear and anger and resentment obscure judgment. There is a cliché that is shared in various forms that states, “Trusting someone is my decision, the proving me right is their choice.”
Trying to pack the complexity of our relationships into a cliché isn’t the answer. We are all more than the twelve words above. The only way to accept these words as truth is to stop thinking about anything except judgment and blame.
Suspicion destroys feelings of trust. When substance abuse is eventually confirmed, thoughts of betrayal enter the mind. The lies and manipulation suddenly become clear and anger and resentment obscure judgment. There is a cliché that is shared in various forms that states, “Trusting someone is my decision, the proving me right is their choice.”
Trying to pack the complexity of our relationships into a cliché isn’t the answer. We are all more than the twelve words above. The only way to accept these words as truth is to stop thinking about anything except judgment and blame.
In this episode we discuss how to handle suspicion and confirmation with a clear head.
The three primary groups affected by today’s treatment paradigm are: the individuals abusing drugs, their families, and the communities they live in. What is lacking is a comprehensive level of integration between expert opinions and the day-to-day consequences of living with an addict.
Families are the group caught in the middle. We bear the financial burden to support demand-side treatment efforts in addition to the public policy decisions that enforce supply-side efforts to control drug use. Billions of dollars are spent annually with pennies-on-the-dollar trickling back to the group charged with funding both sides of the status quo. An empathetic connection addressing this need between addiction specialists and families doesn't always exist.
Funding another survey for experts to dissect and build collateral bodies of theoretical work rarely finds its way into the living rooms around the country where it is needed most. This 'trickle down' approach just continues to build an intellectual and clinical infrastructure designed to justify its own existence. In 12 years of research, we haven't found many published studies that use information provided by parents and family as a separate component of addiction theory. The majority all end up circling back to what the addict needs by proposing changes to the existing paradigm or enforcement issues with existing drug laws. What does matter is that we have been kept on the perimeter.
Our founders are a parent and a former treatment professional, and in this episode they will discuss how they came together and what they've learned that inspired them to start The Family Recovery Project.