Matt Ready Hosts The Mindful Activist: Recent Episodes

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Forward This book is a work of tactical dancing. In writing these words, I am dancing upon the keyboard of this instrument. In everything I do, I am seeking to hear the music of the universe, to move with eternity in such a way as to create more harmony, beauty, joy, laughter, learning, and wisdom. At times I may even seek to create healthy tears and screams of passion and power. Yet, I promise you, I am not doing this to feed myself or my ego alone. I create for us, you and me and all our relations. Let us share the wonders of the world and the universe. Let us share the resources of the world so that we might fashion a future together. Is it really that complicated a task? Is it really so hard to be a part of that path and stop being an obstacle to that vision? Listen. Listen to the people around you. Just listen. And then, when the time is right, speak your truth from your heart. The moment you start doing that, the world will start to transform around you. It all begins right now- right at the center of your heart and soul. Rise up my friends. Rise up and claim your power and then let us share that power to craft a better world. The time is now. The time is always now. - Matt Ready, 10/24/2016 Introduction Summary “Happiness” is the word I use to describe the ultimate goal of all life because it is the best word I have found. All beings naturally seek a better life for themselves, yet in so doing I believe they ultimately seek a better world for all. Creating a better world begins with the world within us, the world of our minds, emotions, and consciousness. The work required to find that inner peace and clarity can only be done by you. Yet, the work will not end there. To seek a better world is to seek it everywhere. Are you happy? This is one of the most important questions you can ever ask yourself. Don’t ignore the answer. If you are not happy or not as happy as you wish to be, then this book can help you through sharing the practices of meditation, mindfulness, and mindful action. Meditation is the practice of being still. Mindfulness is the practice of being aware. Mindful action is wise action taken from a place of calm open awareness. Rewrite notes: A little too long a philosophical discussion of the word happiness. If this how to meditate section becomes a pamphlet, then this introduction must change the description of the book. Or perhaps it can refer to this “series of books!” It is a recipe for living a happy life…it shares one subject/practice helping others find a happy path…but not really a full cookbook. Introduction My name is Matt Ready and I am a seeker. I have lived the bulk of my life striving to figure out what is worth living for and how then to do it. Along the way, I’ve made a lot of mistakes, fallen into some deep stagnant ruts, and occasionally wallowed in what seemed to be inescapable traps. Yet, through the course of this journey, I have also learned a few things. One lesson I learned on my journey is that not all paths in life are equal. For a time I dabbled with the existential attitude that life is absurd and nothing matters, and indeed, there is something to learn from exploring this way of seeing. Yet, it is not where I landed in the end. Some things do matter. Some conditions are better than others and are worth seeking, promoting, and nurturing. Another lesson I learned was it is helpful to have some words to describe the paths in life that are preferable. For many years I would use a variety of words in my personal writing to describe the preferable paths in life. I test drove words like happiness, salvation, enlightenment, fulfillment, self-actualization, and even utopia. Yet, as I attempted to discuss these topics with others, I found different words triggered different assumptions, often leading to a debate about the best word to use, rather than a discussion of the substance of the problem. So then I sometimes tossed out all such words and simply used the clunky phrase: “that which is worth seeking in life.” That didn’t last long. Eventually, I decided “happiness” is the best word available- and I simply define it for myself and my writing as “that which is worth seeking in life.” Hopefully, you can live with my use of the word happiness as it frequently arises in this book. Some people may object to the elevation of the word “happiness.” In college, a philosophy graduate student at the University of Maryland once said to me, “There are many things far more important than happiness. If I wanted to be happy then I might simply find a way to do cocaine and be high all the time. That’s not the life I want to live.” My response to such objections is that if it is not the life you want to live, then it is not happiness. For me, a happy life is synonymous with a life I want to live. On the other hand, happiness to me does not necessarily imply survival. Valuing your happiness does not mean you value your life above all others. I can imagine countless situations in which I would sacrifice my life without hesitation to attempt to save or help people I care about. In fact, I’ve risked my life for people I have never met before. And if I die as a result of making such choices, I will die seeking happiness. Happiness is not selfish. To seek a happy life does not mean to seek only for oneself. For those who idealize the idea of “selflessness” or of service to others, are you not simply seeking happiness for others? If you wish another being well, then you wish them happiness, do you not? But then, how can you help others be happy, if you yourself are not happy? How can you help other people find something you have not found? To help others find happiness, I believe you must first seek to understand what happiness is- otherwise how could you possibly help someone else find it? Some may believe the key to happiness is found by valuing the happiness of others over their own. I believe there is some truth to this, but the nature of that truth can only be understood through your own trial and error. There will always be limits to how much one person can truly touch the life of another. Moreover, the person in this world you will always and forever have the most power to love and influence is you. And so this book will begin with an exploration of happiness, your personal happiness. It begins there because that is where life begins for all of us. Who are you? Why are you here? What do you live for? How do you decide what to do with life? These questions will take us on an exploration of meditation, mindfulness, and mindful action. As you will see through the course of this book, my quest for happiness has taken me through meditation and mindfulness into the world of political activism and politics, endeavors that may seem rather incompatible. Yet, mindfulness and activism are beautifully connected. For perhaps what we are all seeking should simply be described as “a better world” for ourselves and all life on earth. I suppose my truth is that creating a better world begins with the world within us, the world of our mind, emotions and consciousness. I believe every person has the right if not the duty to attend to that inner world, for that world needs care and attention. Moreover, there is inner work to be done, that only you can do. And yet, that is not where the work ends. To seek a better world is to seek it everywhere. With that said, let us begin this literary journey together on our mutual quests for a better world. Let us begin with you, your life, and your happiness. Are You Happy? Are you happy? Do yourself a favor and don’t rush your answer to that question. It’s important. Are you happy? Stop reading right now and ask yourself that question. Most likely, no one is watching you at this moment, so no one is judging you for your reaction to that question. The only being that is passing judgment on your reaction to that fundamental question is you, so the least you can do is answer the question as honestly and as thoughtfully as you can- and don’t be afraid of the answer. There is no wrong answer. It’s ok if you are not totally happy. Life is hard. If you are not totally abundantly happy, then this is nothing to be ashamed of. You are not a failure. In fact, failure is not a sign of failure. Failure is a sign of effort. As Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” If you are unhappy, or if you are not as happy as you would like to be, then you simply have learned a lot about things that don’t work, that don’t lead directly to happiness. It is wonderful that you have learned so much, even if some of these lessons have been painful. You cannot find the path to happiness without learning a lot about suffering. If you are not abundantly happy, then you have gained exquisite insight into some paths that lead astray from happiness and you can now use this wisdom to help yourself, the people in your life, and perhaps the world! If you are not happy, then this book can help you. This book is written to help people see and follow their paths to happiness and a thriving fulfilling life. On the other hand, if you are happy, then this book will help you maintain and enhance that happiness. This book may also challenge the way you think about the relationship between your personal happiness and the well being of everyone else in the world. We are going to ask and explore some big questions. This book will teach you about practices that I find are the most powerful, direct, positive transformative forces for enhancing ones life: meditation and mindful action. There are other practices besides these that can help you, but I have found meditation and mindful action to be the most fundamentally essential. It may be helpful to clarify a little bit about meditation and mindfulness. Meditation and mindfulness are both practices. Meditation in the most simplistic terms is simply the practice of being still. Mindfulness in its most simplistic terms is the practice of being aware. Both practices compliment and enhance the other. When you practice meditation, it is easier to build mindful awareness. As you build your awareness, it is easier to be still. What I refer to as mindful action is an action taken from a place of calm, confident and open awareness, which you can cultivate through practicing both meditation and mindfulness. We will explore all these concepts in much more detail as we go along. This book is written for those who are searching. This book is written for those who wish to learn and grow. If that is you, if you are beginning or one who is always seeking to begin again, then this book is written for you. I am not a teacher from any specific school of thought regarding meditation, mindfulness, happiness, or political theory. I hold no loyalty to any specific teachers, philosophies, or practices, but rather I live my life freely lifting what seems to work for me from wherever I find it. You might consider the contents of this book my personal recipe for finding and sticking to the path to fulfillment, joy, and happiness. As such, my tastes and preferences may work well for some and not others. As Thoreau said, “I trust that none will stretch the seams in putting on the coat, for it may do good service to [those] whom it fits.” Throughout this book, you will learn more about my story, my particular narrative. Yet, the most important thing to know about me is that I am a fellow human, a fellow conscious being in this universe striving to find a healthy happy flourishing path in life. I have written this book to help you find your happiest and healthiest path- and I believe if you find it, you will make my world more beautiful. So, thank you for taking the time to read what I have to share. May it serve you well. Personal Narrative 1: My History With Meditation Personal Narrative Summary A poorly written tale of my childhood dabbling in meditating as taught to me by ninjas. Then the story of my 2011 life crisis and the reembracing of meditation practice. Then a transition in how to meditate…which feels disjointed. Early in the book, why would the reader understand this need to meditate? A different story perhaps showing the role of meditation helping me might do something.. … I first dabbled with meditation when I was about ten years old. My introduction to the concept came from a book I made my parents buy for me that claimed to contain the secrets of the Ninja. When I read that Ninja’s meditated then I decided so would I! And so I did my best to lay in bed and meditate following the instructions in my secret Ninja manual. I remember that very first crude attempt at meditation made a marked impression upon me. I felt myself relax and be still in a way I had never experienced before. As a result, I practiced meditation every night for a few weeks before I was distracted and moved on to other interests as a ten-year-old boy does. Then from time to time I would try it out again. Over the years, I practiced meditation off and on, slowly beginning to understand how the practice impacted my life journey. While in college at the University of Maryland, I dabbled more deeply in meditation practice. Looking back, I find it remarkable how much meditation I practiced without receiving or looking for much guidance. Time and time again I would meditate every day for increasingly long periods of time, until I sensed a change in my state of being. Then I would notice how my entire being seemed to just slow down and settle into a calmer state, like a car shifting gears. I would feel this calmer state for days and my meditation practice would deepen. Yet, ironically, I often then suddenly stopped meditating. It was as if I didn’t know where else to go with the meditation practice, so I just became frustrated and stopped. The cycle of life with meditation and life without meditation continued through my twenties and thirties. I lived through numerous phases in life where I would meditate every day, multiple times a day. It always impacted me, but often in ways I couldn’t fully understand. I often struggled with it, not knowing exactly why I was doing it or what its purpose was. At times I had people in my life that criticized the practice and actively discouraged it. Eventually, I stopped meditating completely. And then my life hit a crisis. My Crisis Point My life was at a crossroads in April 2011. I remember the exact moment I began to awaken to this fact. I was standing in the shower staring at the wall. I felt miserable. My software business, to which I had devoted countless hours and invested much of my savings in, was out of money. My friends and family had been so inspired by my passion for the business that they had invested in my company and me. For the past year and a half I had pinned my future hopes on this company taking off and creating a new and exciting career path for me. Even my amazing girlfriend Stacey had invested her time and energy to help. Yet, as I stared at the shower wall, hot water washing over my face and body, I was finally facing the fact that it was over. My software venture had failed and it was time to close up shop. I needed to move on- and face the consequences with my friends, family, and business partners. This realization seemed to feed an unremitting ache in my belly. I felt filled with sadness and fear. “What the hell do I do now?” I thought to myself. I couldn’t just stop and move on. It wasn’t that simple. Ending a business with partners and investors requires some careful steps. More importantly, I had to have some difficult conversations. I needed to speak to those that believed in me, invested in me, and explain my failure. I felt overwhelming pressure and dread as I imagined those conversations. Hitting me even deeper was the feeling of loss and confusion. A large part of my life’s purpose and meaning was suddenly dissolved to dust with the dissolution of my business venture. The software I had designed was not only intended to change my life, it was intended to change the world. I thought, even after I get through the pain of closing shop, what then was I going to do? “How did I get here?” I wondered to myself. How did I get so lost? Couldn’t I have seen this many months ago? Regret surged through me. I had wasted a lot of time and energy unnecessarily. I scolded myself, “If I had only been a little more patient, a little more careful and thoughtful in my decision-making…” I slapped the shower wall with my hand as the water rushed over me, for me a rare physically violent expression of inner turmoil. I hadn’t attacked an innocent wall since fifth grade, when I was heartbroken over my desire for a cute classmate named Nikki. Even then, as I punched the bathroom wall before returning to class, the action felt forced and contrived, more an experiment than an authentic act. I had long since abandoned such macho manifestations as silly, yet, now as an adult, again in a bathroom, my strike against the shower wall felt sincere. The frustration and despair in my body was desperately searching for ways to escape. Breathing deeply, I then realized something. Not only was I not happy, I suddenly realized that the software business wasn’t going to make me happy even if it had succeeded. It had never been the right path for me. A part of me had known this for a long time. I shouldn’t be standing here mourning the end of this path. I had been following the wrong path all along. This is an opportunity to get back on a true track to happiness. I felt crushed and embarrassed with myself. Why had I pinned my dreams on this software company? This is not the life I wanted. This is not the life I dreamed about when I was in college. Memories of the happiest moments of my life flashed briefly through my vision, each one like a slap in the face: art, writing, hiking, laughing, dancing. Why was I living a life that wasn’t exploring the activities that have proven to bring me the most satisfaction and happiness? I found myself weeping a few bursts of tears. I urgently wanted to get myself back on track, back on the path of happiness and wisdom. What did I need to do to find my way and never ever allow myself to get so lost again? I left the shower, by now thoroughly clean, and got dressed. I walked into my living room and sat on my futon couch. It was Saturday morning and I had the day all to myself. I asked myself, what now? Do I go for a walk? Do I read a book? Do I watch TV and simply escape from my sorrow for hours? Perhaps if I had not felt quite so miserable, if I had only felt my normal level of unsatisfied malaise, I would have turned on the TV and simply sloughed my way on in life. But there is something extra motivating about hitting a crisis point, a uniquely miserable state, an especially low low. Perhaps it is simply the extraordinariness of peak misery that can help get your attention to wake up? I didn’t want to bury my head in the sand. I wanted to turn around and go decidedly the right direction. I didn’t want to wander forward aimlessly. I wanted to move forward in life towards happiness and fulfillment. I wanted to move with thoughtful attentive purpose. I picked up a piece of paper and began making a list. I told myself, “I am going to list every possible thing I could do with the next several hours and I’m not going to do one until I know it is absolutely the right thing to do.” I began listing out options. Go for a walk. Do art (which I hadn’t done in years). Call someone. Write something. Go to a movie. Eat. Exercise. After a few minutes a few items on the list seemed to call to me, but nothing seemed the perfect next step. Then after about ten minutes sitting still, the answer finally emerged out of the fog of my mind. I needed to meditate. I needed to meditate. This revelation was like a neon sign that had been blinking in the back of my consciousness for the previous five years. Five years is how long it had been since I last sat in regular daily meditation. For five years I had been paddling downstream without stopping to truly reconsider my path. As I sat on the futon gazing out my sun filled window, I remembered how meditation always helped me find my way-when I did manage to practice it. I needed to practice it now. I needed to make it a permanent part of my life. Yet, I also remembered, I never managed to keep up the practice. I always started it up, got to a certain point, began to flounder, and then stopped. I thought to myself, “I want to meditate and learn how to not flounder.” I realized, I needed to not just practice as I always did, I needed to learn more about it from people who have more experience. Another clear path of action crystalized in my consciousness: I needed to take a meditation class. I had never taken a meditation class before. All my knowledge and experience came from a handful of readings (not all by Ninja’s) and a lot of self-exploration. In fact, a part of me had taken pride in my independence- but now, in this moment of crisis I was finally willing to admit- I needed outside help to understand meditation better. I sat on the futon and considered this new goal of attending a meditation class. How can I go to a class? I thought there was a local group that taught a class once in a while. I grabbed my computer and did some quick research. I learned that they did a class once a month. I didn’t want to wait. I wanted to take a class immediately. I didn’t want to wait any more. And then for the third time, an answer lit up my mind. I thought, “I might be able to take a class right now…if I use the Internet.” Maybe I could find a meditation class video right now on the Internet? I returned to my computer and after a little searching, I quickly found some free meditation classes online. I felt a joyful thrill of energy surge through my body as I scoured the Internet and explored some more options. I was filled with inspiration and purpose and following this energy was immediately beginning to heal my sorrow and pain. Simply searching for the class and doing some research was rejuvenating me. I found what looked like a great set of videos. They were videos about forty-five minutes long of a class on Insight Meditation. I sat down, got settled in, and watched and followed the first forty-five minute class. After the class was done, I felt more clarity about how to practice meditation than ever before in my life. I then meditated. When my meditation was complete, I felt calmer. I felt much more at ease about how to spend the rest of my day. I chose the rest of my activities that day carefully, patiently. I didn’t follow any routines, but I considered, what did I need. What would feed me? I eventually chose a few actions that seemed positive and nourishing: take a walk, pick out a stimulating and thought provoking movie to watch tonight, draw a picture. By the end of that day, I had turned a corner. I didn’t know exactly what lay ahead, but I had begun to feel my inner barometer of happiness once again. I began meditating every day. I went to meditation workshops. I read more books about meditation. I spoke to many more people about their experience with meditation. I continued to work my day job and follow my normal routines, but I began to be more mindful, more thoughtful, and more attentive. I began to question my routines and question whether or not they were what I really wanted to do with my time? What else could I do? Was I missing opportunities? Were these activities stimulating growth or sustaining stagnation? Every day, as I meditated and worked to mindfully move through life, these questions and more became alive and urgent once again. As I wrestled with these fundamental questions with renewed energy, I changed, and I then began changing my life. My life has evolved in some interesting ways since I fully embraced meditation as one of my foundational practices. Meditation has proven to me time and again its value on my personal life journey, yet there are many different ways to meditate. Some methods are much more difficult and I think less helpful than others. In the first section of this book, I will share with you the approach I now take, which is both simple and effective. … Practicing meditation and mindful action is simple, powerful, requires minimal time, and it creates a solid foundation for every other aspect of life. Meditation can help you see yourself and your world more clearly by helping burn away the fog that clouds your mind. Mindfulness will help you see new paths and options in your life, both grand and tiny, yet all potentially life changing. Mindfulness and meditation will help you see, understand, and learn from the scars and pains that you carry within yourself at all times. And finally, practicing mindful action will help you choose and take wise actions that gently and powerfully change your world on an individual, interpersonal, and even global level. Meditation and mindfulness will help you do all these things, but only if you make the choice to invite them to be a part of your life. ________________ Chapter 1: Finding Your Path To Happiness Chapter 1 Summary Life is a never-ending river of choices, yet our minds develop ways to dull the pressure and excitement of this fact. Life can easily begin to feel like a journey down a deep rut rather than a dynamic adventure. Meditation and mindfulness practice can help us better appreciate our life journey, see more possibilities in every moment, make better choices, and enrich our life in many other amazing ways. First reflection on your personal happiness is invited. Rewrite notes: pretty solid chapter. … Life is not easy. How do you know what choices to make? How do you know which direction to go? How do you know what people and things are worth your investment of time and attention? How do you know which roads lead to happiness and which roads lead to regret and waste? How do you know when to make a significant change? Life is a never-ending river of such questions and decisions. We are making decisions every single second we are alive. Why are you reading this book right now? Should you stop? Should you do something else? Every single moment we are alive we are choosing from amongst an infinite range of possible actions (although our mind finds way to not notice this fact). Some choices are big, some are small, but they all add up to your reality, to your life. Do this or do that? Say this or say that? Go here or go there? Speak or hold your tongue? Eat another donut or not? Sleep or not sleep? Watch a rerun of The West Wing or read a book or practice Yoga? These are just some of the questions we all wrestle with all the time- often without realizing it! The flow of choices in life is like driving a racecar 200 miles an hour. Simply being alive and awake is overwhelming both in terms of the amount of information we process and in the decisions we make (or don’t make) in every moment we are alive. From the first moment our minds become conscious, we begin to try to figure out how to deal with the awesomeness of conscious life. We learn. We construct ways to make sense of the world. We memorize behavior patterns that seem to keep us relatively safe and alive. We practice routines that seem to bring us more pleasure than pain. Yet, along with all this learning, we also easily lose some of the amazing energy and fascination with being alive. Sometimes, we learn so many routines that we forget we even have choices. We begin to obey orders and obligations rather than thoughtfully creating our path forward. Life can at times feel like a journey down a deep rut, rather than like the exciting and dynamic adventure it really is. If you want to be happy, if you want to feel that energy and amazement of life you remember from your youth once again, if you want to create your path rather than follow it, then meditation and mindfulness can help a lot. The art of mindfulness is the art of feeling the flow of our life choices and life experiences with gentle joyful patience, allowing you to more easily make positive satisfying choices on your life journey. Mindful awareness can help you make use of the routines and habits you have learned through your life, yet to not be trapped within them. Mindful awareness, supported by a meditation practice, can help us avoid slipping into the zombie like automatic haze in which we forget we have a choice in the things we do, how we do them, and how we respond to events. Meditation and mindfulness can help you avoid those horrible crisis points in life when you look in the mirror and say, “Why am I living a life I don’t want? Why am I doing things that I don’t want to do?” When we forget we have a choice in something, we can easily begin to feel trapped and tormented by the flow of our lives, sometimes in small ways and sometimes in big ways. Practicing meditation helps us see our life more clearly. It helps us grow our capacity for mindfulness. As we grow more mindful, we regain awareness of our freedom to change our lives at any moment, and we then feel empowered and in more skillful control of our journey. If you are not in control of your life journey, why would you expect it to lead where you want it to go? To learn how to feel gentle patience with the flow of life’s choices, we need to work to change how we experience the present moment. We need to practice reminding ourselves of the flow of possibility that is racing past us in every second in which we continue to breath the air on this beautiful world. My first recommendation for learning to train yourself to have this type of awareness is to practice meditation. And so it is with learning to meditate that we shall begin. But first… ________________ Reflection 1 …before we dive in, I highly encourage you to do a quick absolutely honest self-assessment of your state of happiness. Doing this will help you begin to see your most fulfilling path in life more clearly. So, right now, reflect upon your life, and rate how happy and fulfilling your life is, with zero being totally unhappy and unfulfilling and ten being the most amazing life you can imagine. Write down your answer in a journal or go ahead and note it in this book! Also write a few sentences explaining the score you chose. Remember, no one is watching except you. Save your score and explanation. You will need it later. Then join me in the next chapter as we discuss the basics of meditation. 🡨---------------------------------------------------------------🡪 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ________________ Chapter 2: How to Approach a Meditation Practice Chapter 2 Summary Meditation is simple but not easy. To learn it, you must practice it. It is worth it. Meditation practice will support all other things you do in life. Meditation is an internal art form, which involves training the internal capacities of our attention, willpower, and awareness. Our minds dull our conscious awareness as we grow up so we can better function in the world, yet at a significant price. Meditation and mindfulness can help us reawaken the vitality, creativity, and basic appreciation of life we often lose as we grow into adults. Meditation will spur growth and growth involves growing pains. This is not something to shy away from. It is necessary although sometimes unpleasant. One key to approaching meditation is to remember to be gentle with yourself. The key is gentle consistent pressure over time, not intense short bursts. You might think of it as a practice of slowly weening your inner child off unhealthy over stimulating behaviors and introducing him/her to healthy enriching activities. Rewrite notes: maybe condense some. Meditation is simple but not easy. Of course, many things in life worth doing are not easy! Right? For example, if you want to be in amazing physical shape, you have to work at it. If you want to have a basic competency in karate, baseball, or the Cha-cha, there are not really any shortcuts. You must be willing to do some work, to practice, to train. One of our fundamental challenges in life is simply deciding which of the difficult challenges surrounding us are truly worth our time and effort- since we can’t do them all. Meditation is not easy, but is it worth trying? Is it worth it to you to try it and to practice it? Personally, I would not want to live without it. A meditation practice is like a foundation upon which everything else you value in life can rest. Establishing a reliable meditation practice is like digging down to the bedrock of reality and setting our padstones firmly upon it, rather than trusting the soft malleable soil at the surface of the ground. Once you gain comfort in a practice, you can then count on it to support you no matter how crazy and out of control everything else gets. But again, getting to a point where meditation supports our life in this way is not easy. Not only is meditation sometimes challenging to practice, but also no matter how many years you do it, you never really master it. Rather, you simply keep gaining insight and understanding as you progress on your journey. Yet, like other physical skills, you will gain competency in direct correlation with the level of effort you put into your practice.[1] Results require effort. Poor effort leads to poor results. In meditation practice, it is continuously important to seek the right level and type of effort, or right effort as it is commonly called. External art forms involve developing and training the muscles of the body in large-scale movements in our external world, interacting with objects and other people. Karate, dance, gymnastics, and golf are all examples of external art forms. Meditation is an internal art form because it involves training internal capacities of our mind and consciousness. You are probably familiar with what it is like to train a muscle to grow in strength, but you may find training your conscious capacities, things like your attention, your patience, your self restraint, and your tolerance for emotional strain, to be strange and challenging. Meditation may be unlike any other skill or practice you have ever tried. Meditation entails learning to increase awareness and control over ones attention and willpower at the most basic level of our being. And since every single moment of your life involves your attention and willpower, improving your conscious awareness of your attention and willpower inevitably has a profound impact on every moment of our life.[2] This is why a meditation practice is like a foundation for your life. Every other part of your life will be impacted by the changes in your conscious awareness. … Though meditation may involve very little physical movement, you will find that your internal world is as vast, rich, dynamic, and as challenging as anything in the external world- once you learn to experience it fully. In fact, your internal world contains your entire external world in addition to every world and reality you can imagine, so it is arguably much bigger and more complex then external reality. When you close your eyes, you can contemplate both the chair you are sitting in, any chair you have ever seen, and any chair your imagination can dream up. That’s a lot of material to work with and we are merely talking about chairs at the moment. Add to that people, emotions, hopes, dreams, choices and you again see why it is no wonder our minds have adapted ways to dull our awareness. If we were constantly aware of the infinite range of possibilities of what we might think about, how would we ever focus on tasks and get things done? If we were always absorbed in the infinity of our imagination and the wonder of the universe, then we might never have learned how to hunt, or farm, or trade with our neighbors. Humanity has relied upon our ability to ignore the wonder of living so that we could focus on the challenge of survival. Unfortunately, this sometimes leads us down a path where we survive, but we have forgotten what it means to live. The dulling of conscious awareness that has evolved in humanity can be observed in changes in the consciousness of a child as s/he grows into an adult. We begin life infinitely and overwhelmingly fascinated by all that we sense and feel, and then slowly we learn to lose this fascination. To some extent, we have to lose this fascination, or else we can’t function in society. It’s ok for children to spend hours fascinated by an unusual insect that happens to land upon a window sill, yet any adult who is regularly so enthralled by such things will struggle to hold many jobs. On the other hand, as our minds grow over our lifetime to be a less fascinated and enthralled by the mere awesomeness of being alive, we also lose some of the vitality, creativity, and basic appreciation of life. Meditation and mindfulness can help us reawaken these capacities in very rejuvenating and healthful ways- while not endangering our ability to function in society. In fact, I believe meditation and mindfulness make us function in society in far more positive ways than we would otherwise. External art forms may change how your body looks, but meditation will change your experience of you at a fundamental level. It is deeply personal, intimate, and powerful and should not be taken lightly. Committing to a meditation practice will change your life in subtle and sometimes profound ways. Meditation can help lift you out of deep ruts and long familiar patterns of behavior. It can help you see yourself and your deepest most authentic needs and dreams more clearly. It can help you know what you need to do to be happy and can help you take action to live a happier life. But remember, this is not going to be an easy or pain free process. Growth usually involves growing pains, and real growth can mean real pain. If growing pains felt good, we would call them growing joys or growing orgasms or maybe growing pleasure bursts. But we don’t call them that. We call them growing pains because they can be quite unpleasant. Nonetheless, if you want to be happy, you can’t be afraid of a little pain and discomfort. Growing pains are worth it. Think of the growing pains from meditation like having a sore body after an intense workout. That soreness is there in your muscles after a hard workout because your muscles are tearing themselves apart and rebuilding themselves to make you stronger and more flexible. Meditation and mindfulness does the same thing…just with the fabric of your consciousness. It might feel disconcerting the first time you experience your world turned upside down through your own conscious growth, aided by a healthy meditation practice, but eventually you adjust to the process of such growth and awaken to a clear and beautiful day like you’ve never seen before. … Remember to Be Gentle It is vital that you are gentle with yourself on this journey into meditation- especially if you are very new to it. To learn to meditate, you must learn to treat yourself with a form of gentle persistent kindness. It requires a unique form of self-love and attention. Also, it is far more important that you nurture your interest in meditation over a long period of time, rather than experiencing it in short surges. You might treat stopping your life to practice meditation for a few minutes like you would treat tearing a reluctant child away from video games to visit the beach. I remember how my parents had to force me to turn off the TV and go outside and to play when I was a child. I was probably a little addicted to the stimulation of TV. In fact, your inner child may genuinely be as reluctant to meditate as a child addicted to video games will be reluctant to visit a beautiful beach. Do not turn this resistance into a war, but rather, gently negotiate with the parts of you that claim to dislike meditation. For example, if you were negotiating with a video game addicted child over a trip to the beach, you might promise the child some video game time if they promise s/he promises to visit the beach with you once a day for a set amount of time. This is a rational, fair, and reasonable compromise. If you are gentle, firm, and compassionate, then the child will eventually consent to this peace accord. If they throw s/he throws a crazy out of control tantrum and absolutely refuses, then simply continue your reasonable, compassionate, yet firm terms for continuing. Moreover, after visiting the beach with you a few times, the child will likely begin to appreciate the beauty the beach has to offer. Remember, the visit to the beach doesn’t have to be long. It can be just five minutes. Just as a child may be a little addicted to stimulation in this scenario, you may be a little addicted to the activities you do instead of meditating. Changing habits to learn a challenging new skill that works some unusual muscles can be as challenging as breaking strong addictions, so tread carefully, and thoughtfully. It is hard and sometimes unproductive to attempt to dramatically change habits cold turkey. The key to a healthy relationship with your internal cravings and aversions is dialogue and patience. Choose negotiation and healthy compromise over war for all such conflicts- and soon your inner child will begin to resemble a thoughtful, energetic, and witty companion rather than merely a pain in the arse constantly screaming at you what it wants and what it fears. In fact, learning to use gentle pressure is the first lesson and essential ingredient to gaining a capacity for mindfulness. Whether you have a lot of self-discipline or very little, you must want to learn to meditate in order to learn to meditate. If you find you are fighting with yourself and struggling against learning the practice, then stop. Let it go. Give yourself some time off from this battle. Wait until the sound of the ocean waves and the smell of the cool salty air convince your inner child to give it another try for at least a while. After all, the beach is a beautiful magical place and it just might take some time for your inner child to fully appreciate it and agree to revisit it on a routine basis with you. There is far more to life than those things your inner child craves to constantly consume. You can have a life in which you experience fun, laughter, music, learning, creativity, ecstasy, friendship, and love- without being a slave to the whims of your moment-to-moment cravings and aversions. But to have this life, you must choose to embrace your power and role as the adult in the home of your consciousness. The child is not in charge. You are. So perhaps now is time to decide. Do you wish to live in harmony in your inner world, the world of meditation and mindfulness, the world of your deepest most fundamental cravings and aversions, the world of your inner child, or not? If you prefer a life of inner harmony, exciting exploration and growth, and rich meaningful relationships, then meditation will help you find it and sustain it. So if you’re interested in giving it a try, the next chapter will teach you how to meditate. ________________ Chapter 3: How to Meditate Chapter 3 Summary The basics of how to meditate. First simple steps. Then more details. Invitation to try it now. Rewrite notes: pretty solid. If you study meditation then you will quickly find there are many different possible techniques. Different techniques have different things to offer, just like different styles of martial arts and different forms of dance have different things to offer. This chapter is intended to merely serve as a reasonable place for a beginner to start. And don’t worry, you don’t need to know everything about meditation to reap incredible benefits from practicing the basics. How to Meditate Be still. Be still. That’s it. That is truly the only single step you truly need to know to meditate. If you wish to meditate, simply be still. There are many subtle variations to how you might practice being still- and each variation may have something different to teach you, but at its most basic level, meditation is simply the conscious act of being still. Anytime and anywhere you ever feel the desire, impulse, need, or inspiration to meditate, then simply be still. You might be working, in the middle of a conversation, in a class, wrestling with an assailant, driving a car, falling off a cliff, watching a movie, eating, drinking, looking in a mirror, smoking a joint, writing, painting, brushing your teeth, or whatever. If you wish in any moment to taste the quiet gentle vast power of meditation, then simply stop what you are doing and be still. That said, being still is easier said than done. The reason meditation is difficult is that stillness doesn’t come naturally to most people- especially those of us immersed in the modern, fast paced, highly stimulating, technological world. Most of us, if we wish to have stillness available to us at all times so it is there whenever we want or need it, must work to nurture and grow our capacity to be still, to stop acting, to resist the impulses and aversions pushing and pulling us to act. Through practicing stillness we build our ability and capacity for stillness is the same way we build up any other skill or ability. Now that you now know how to meditate, the next step is learning to practice. How to Practice Meditation: A Short Answer If you want to benefit from meditation, then practice it every day. I suggest to new practitioners to simply start with whatever amount of time you can handle, even if it is just five minutes, and every day, sit and be still for that amount of time. As you find sitting still for your set time easier to do, you might increase the time incrementally until you find a length of time that seems right for you. The right amount and frequency of meditation for you may fluctuate up and down over the course of time. For some people, this might be all the instruction you need to dive in and get started, so go for it. For people who want more, the following section gives further specific instructions that might be helpful. How to Practice Meditation: A More Detailed Answer As I’ve said previously, there is truly only one essential step to meditating and that is “be still.” Yet, though this simple instruction is elegant and beautiful in its simplicity, you might benefit from a little more specificity. Here are the basic specific steps in one single easy to read list for a very effective meditation practice, followed by a more detailed exploration of each: Meditation Steps (Decide if you want periods at the ends of these statements or not. I think, yes, so all must have them, not just some.) 1. Get a timer 2. Get a meditation journal. 3. Go to a quiet spot 4. Position your body to begin meditating 5. Set the timer for a time that is right for you. 6. Be still. 7. Acknowledge and welcome that which visits those thoughts that visit your meditation session 8. When the timer goes off, slowly return to the external world whenever you are ready. 9. Journal immediately following your sit. Describe what you experienced during your sit or journal about whatever you wish. 10. Repeat every day. That’s it. Now let’s explore these steps in a bit more detail. Step 1: Get a timer[3] A very helpful meditation tool is a timer that you can set to ring when you plan to end your meditation sit. The timer is helpful, if not essential, because when you are first learning to enter the world of meditation, the world of your inner being, you will feel less anxious if you know there is something to physically call you back to the outer world when it is time to stop. If you don’t set a timer, then you may find yourself spending much of your meditation sit thinking to yourself, “Should I stop meditating now? How long have I been meditating?” These types of thoughts can hold you back from more useful and beneficial meditation experiences. To ease your mind’s natural concern over the passage of time, you decide how long you will meditate before you begin. Then when you sit, your mind doesn’t need to focus on the question of when to stop and instead it can explore more interesting things. Of course, your mind will most likely still have many trivial things to ponder before finding something important, but with a timer, you will alleviate at least one of the most common trivial anxieties of the meditation experience. Whenever there is a simple solution to alleviate a stress or distraction, it makes sense to take advantage of it. If you do not have a timer, you may use some external events as your timer. For example you may know someone is coming home at a certain time or there may be a bell tower nearby to use as a time reference. Or, you might simply decide you will meditate until you are interrupted or choose to stop. I have on many occasions sat and meditated in my office chair for a few minutes, using the sound of my phone (add comma) or approaching footsteps and or the opening door as my ending meditation bell. Prisoners who I have taught meditation to have told me they use the sound of the guards footsteps and the jingle of keys as they make their rounds every 15 minutes as their meditation time signal. Be creative (add comma) and you can find some options in most any situation. The challenge of these timer alternatives is they can be a bit more stressful than a simple timer you have full control over, but they can work. With practice, you can learn to meditate perfectly well at any time without a timer, but it is challenging to begin to learn to meditate without one. So get one if you can. That’s the simple solution. Step 2: Get a meditation journal If possible, I highly encourage you to have a meditation journal. Sit Set the journal nearby before your you meditate so you have it readily available when you finish. Again, you can meditate without making use of a meditation journal, but I believe you will dramatically increase your learning and enhance the benefits of meditation using one. I suggest at least give yourself the option of jotting down thoughts immediately following your sit by having a journal or pad of paper nearby. You may be surprised by the power of this one simple act (add comma) and it takes very little effort, so why not try it? Step 3: Go to a quiet spot. A helpful first step in meditating is to find somewhere relatively quiet where you will not be interrupted. This is not always as easy as it sounds. If nowhere quiet is available, search and or wait until you find a place that will be quiet for at least 30 minutes. Most places are quiet between the hours of 10PM and 6 AM, so in some situations where you feel physically confined, such as in prison or living with relatives (both of which are often torturous), late at night and early morning may be your ideal meditation time window. If you don’t want to wait for a time window and you feel a strong need to meditate at this moment, then feel free to take decisive action to find a quiet space to meditate. Put in earplugs, go to your car, walk into the wilderness, or do something else to create a healthy meditation environment for yourself right now. Be bold! Take control of your environment. Life is short. Don’t allow trivial obstacles to stand in your way and or hold you back. If people around you are resisting your need to be alone for 30 minutes, then simply use gentle communication to release their hold upon you. You might say something like, “I hear your concerns. Yet, at this moment, I am not feeling well (add comma) and I need to take care of myself for at least the next 30 minutes. After that time, I shall return and I will be better able to do what you want me to do.” Such a statement will work like a magic spell in almost all situations to free you for 30 minutes of meditation. If that doesn’t work, you might need to practice some patience until a better moment arises- as it surely will. When you want to meditate, you don’t necessarily want to stop and explain to people what meditation is and why you want to do it right now. On the other hand, if you are overly forceful and abrupt with people, the friction between you may end up being the focus of your meditation session. So, when you want to meditate, I urge you to take the absolute shortest gentle route to beginning your meditation. One way to do this is to make your meditation schedule a routine that you and others become accustomed to. You might establish a daily ritual (maybe “routine” would be a better word) whereby you always meditate at the same time and in the same place every day. For example, these days I meditate every morning. I know this and the people I live with know this. No one complains about this practice in any way as I have made it clear this is simply how I live my life. You could establish a similar daily routine that will help train yourself and the people in your world that this is how your life works. Learning how to manage distractions are a is part of your meditation practice. When prisoners I’ve worked with begin establishing a daily meditation practice, they often tell me they will not meditate when the guards are watching. They’ve told me that they worry the guards will think they are doing something weird and may even think they need psychiatric attention. Yet, if they overcome their anxiety about the guards’ (add apostrophe) concerns, perhaps by simply informing the guards that they meditate every day, then they could feel free to meditate without that external distraction. Once you train the people in your life to be familiar with your practices, usually they learn to accept them (add comma) and they will stop causing significant friction. With a sustained gentle effort, you will eventually realize there is always space in your life to meditate if you make a patient gentle effort to create it. This effort is well worth it, for your meditation time can grow to become a familiar, cozy, and nurturing home. So, do what you need to do to create your daily meditation opportunities. Step 4: Position your body to begin meditating (Font size change needs to be corrected.) To meditate, you can be in absolutely any body position in virtually any situation. On the other hand, to learn how to meditate and to meditate most effectively, it is best to either sit on the floor, or in a chair, or lay down on your back. Each of these body positions has benefits and weaknesses, which depend on many variables including your body type, posture, current level of fatigue, room temperature, and more. I encourage you to experiment using each of these positions during your meditation sessions to see which ones are best for you and when they are best for you. For now, simply choose one. If you are sitting (add comma) then it is best to sit with your back straight, balanced, and dignified. If you struggle sitting for long periods without back support, like myself, then you could put a pillow or rolled up towel behind your lower back. You can also sit for a portion of your session and then shift to laying down part way through. Do what feels right for yourself. If you tend to fall asleep whenever you meditate, then you should not always choose to lie on your back, but occasionally meditate while sitting since that will help you explore wakeful meditation. Falling asleep while meditating is perfectly ok once in a while, but if it always happens, then you may miss out on some of the benefits of the practice. I also highly encourage you to try meditating standing and walking at some point. Step 5: Set the timer How long should you set the timer for? Note that this question is not the same as “How long should you meditate for?” You set the timer so that you have a firm reference point for time in the external world. You set the timer so that you don’t have to worry about the question of “How long have I been meditating?” or “Should I stop meditating now?” Without a timer, you may find these questions repeat over and over in your consciousness. With a timer set, these questions lose most of their oomph. The timer acts like an extension of you. The timer is your tool. The timer is like a friend who you ask to wake you from an afternoon nap. You are not asking the timer to wrench you out of your meditation session and thrust you immediately into your external life as soon as it goes off. No. You are instructing the timer to gently remind you when a certain amount of time has passed and then to leave you alone. Your friend, the timer, will nudge you at a time of your choosing and then go away. The next step is your choice. When the timer rings, you do not have to stop meditating. You may stop. You may continue. It depends how you feel at that moment. There is not a hard and fast rule (add comma) and you want to be careful not to create such rules for your practice. When the timer rings, you are simply receiving information: the time you set has passed. What happens next, as always, is your choice. Likewise, you don’t have to meditate all the way to the point in time when the timer rings. You can stop your meditation session at any moment, just as you can stop an afternoon nap whenever you feel ready. You always have total freedom of choice in what you do in the present moment while you practice meditation. In fact, one of the most important lessons meditation and mindfulness helps you learn is how to better see moment to moment what you can do and what is the best thing for you to do. We will explore that idea in much more detail later, since this is the crux of mindful action. So before you begin meditating, set the timer to notify you when a certain amount of time has passed of your choosing. If you are first learning to meditate, I might suggest a minimum of twenty minutes, but if that is too much to start with, then start lower. Even five minutes of meditation a day will feed you if that is all you can do. You can always increase the time when it feels right, yet if you force yourself to go a lot longer than you are ready, it may detract from your ability to be nurtured by the practice. Many timers can be set to ring at intervals so you can meditate as long as you wish with periodic reminders of the passing of time. This is another area for you to experiment and see what works best for you. Step 6: Be still You have brought yourself to a quiet spot. You have chosen your body position for your meditation session. You have set aside a journal if you have one. You have set a timer. Now start the timer and be still. You may keep your eyes open for a while, but do not move them. Find somewhere to let them rest without moving about. Let your eyelids hang softly over your eyes, open, halfway down, or allow them to sink down and close over your eyes. I usually close my eyes while I meditate, but on occasion I stare at a fixed spot. Keeping my eyes open and fixed on a spot can lead to some fascinating visual experiences which you may or may not find rewarding. Being still is the first challenge of meditation and being still is the only goal of meditation you need to concern yourself with when you begin. If you are able to be still while meditating, then I believe most of the other benefits of meditation will readily follow. Our minds are all like frantically fidgeting monkeys. We hop from this to that. We look at this and then at that. We think of this and we think of that. We are constantly moving, jumping around with our attention. In meditation, we are choosing to be still. In meditation we are gently instructing the monkey mind to be still and to steady the gaze of our attention. When we meditate, we are giving the our mind permission to rest and to be at wakeful peace. Eventually our mind grows to appreciate this. When we meditate, there is nothing to fear. We do not have to be anywhere. We do not have to go anywhere. We do not have to do anything. When we meditate, the only important goal that we need to even consider is stillness, for it is stillness we are inviting into our presence. Be still. Rest. Be at peace. That is the only goal at this moment. Until that timer goes off, nothing else matters. Be still. Step 7: Acknowledge and Welcome that which disrupts the stillness. You will most likely find, (delete comma) that the first several times you attempt to be still while meditating, it won’t work so well. You will most likely find that your monkey mind (This is the first time you have used “monkey mind”. Do you want to expand on this for people who don’t understand the term? This is lingo typical of the kind of book you are writing, but the term may be new of beginners.) doesn’t want to be still. Your monkey mind may rebel and fight you like a child you are ripping away from his video games. This is ok and quite normal. The part of you that is opposed to stillness is a valid part of you. The part of you that hates the quiet stillness of meditation is important and powerful. Do not scorn this part of you. Do not hate this part of you. Be gentle with yourself. Love yourself. While you meditate, hold the angry child, your frantic mind “frantic mind” is better than “monkey mind”), in your arms like you would a loved one that who is withdrawing from a brutal drug addiction- for in a way you are indeed dealing with addiction. Addiction is a very apt metaphor for the resistance our the mind exhibits to in meditation practice. Your mind is most likely addicted, or at least strongly attached, to something other than quiet stillness. It may be addicted to stimulation and entertainment. It may be addicted to being alert and watchful for threats and dangers. It may be addicted to replaying old memories. It may be addicted to fantasies of the future, or problem solving, or planning. You may be addicted to “feeling productive.” Whatever it is that your mind wants to do rather than be still, be gentle with its resistance, be compassionate, be kind, and be loving- because this is a part of you that is resisting. Listen to it. While you meditate, if your mind is resisting stillness, then consider the question, “What does your mind want you to pay attention to and why?” When you meditate, you are taking the frantic out of control child that is your mind into a temple. In this temple, you and your mind are alone. No one else is there to hurt you. No one else is there trying to talk to you, to tell you what to do, or telling you what to think about. In your meditation temple during your meditation time and space, it is just you and your mind. Now, you may still hear the voices of what seems like other people while you sit. You may hear your parents, your partners, your boss, your children, your friends, or random people you know- but (assuming you are genuinely alone) all these voices are really your own mind. Those people are not with you while you meditate. As your mind talks, or sings, or screams at you while you sit, resist the urge to tell it to shut up and be quiet like a parent scolding a hyperactive child they are escorting through church. Instead, gently cast the gaze of your attention upon whatever your mind shares with you. If your monkey mind wants to throw a tantrum in your meditation temple, then let it happen. If your mind wants to replay a conversation from dinner last night, then let it. Let your mind get out whatever it needs to get out. This is your temple and if your inner child is upset about or fixated upon something, you can choose to let it express itself in your mind right now. Meditation is a safe space for anything your mind needs to explore. Meditation is your sacred time. You choose how you spend it. If at anytime during a meditation sit, you become overwhelmed, then know you have some options for how to handle the situation. You can focus your attention on your breath or the feelings in your body for a while. You can take yourself through a specific meditation you know. You can gently roll your head upon your shoulders or stretch your arms for a few minutes. You can of course also stop. You are in control. It is ok for a meditation sit to be a little challenging, but you don’t want it to become traumatic. As we will discuss in later sections, meditation is a workout, an exercise- and so it should not be so easy that you aren’t expending any effort. On the other hand, you can hurt yourself if you push yourself too hard. Seek to find the right balance of healthy gentle sustained effort- just as you would if you were lifting weights or jogging every day. Step 8: Eventually, the timer will ring. If you sit long enough, eventually the timer will ring. When the timer rings, decide if your time in your meditation temple is done for now. If you wish to stay in the temple longer, then do so. It is always up to you. If you decide it is time to end your meditation session, then look at your monkey mind one last time. Give your monkey mind a gentle mental hug. Tell it that you are its friend. Tell it thank you for all it does for you during your external life. Tell it you honor it. And then when you are ready, slowly and gently open your eyes, and return to the external world. Step 9: Journal Journaling after meditating can be a very enriching and enlightening practice. I suggest you write in your meditation journal everything you can remember from your meditation in whatever random order you remember it. After that, you might journal about whatever you wish. The journaling step is optional of course, but I’ve found it greatly beneficial and I highly encourage you to try it. I believe journaling after meditation makes the practice exponentially more effective and beneficial. Ready to try it? You’ve just read my short and long answers to the question, “How do I meditate?” It is now time for you to give it a try- especially if you’ve never done it before. You always learn the most by doing. So right now, put this book down, find a quiet spot, set a timer, and meditate for ten minutes. Less if that’s too much. More if you want. After you meditate, come on back and keep reading.

Chapter 4: Committing to Regular Practice Chapter 4 Summary Trying meditation once is easy. Practicing regularly is harder. You should practice at least ten days before you expect to notice an impact. The more you practice the more impact you will notice. The impact may not be what you expect. Other people may notice changes in your behavior or demeanor due to meditation practice and their reaction may impact you. I urge you to be honest with yourself in assessing whether meditation is good for you or not. Most likely, you will begin to recognize it is good for you, although it may not always be easy to practice regularly, just as you know diet and exercise are good for you but you may struggle to reflect that in your behavior all the time. This knowledge behavior dissonance is something meditation can help you better understand and work with in a healthy manner. You’re assignment now is to meditate for at least ten total days before reading further in this book. Start now. (Then the author assumes the ready did not stop reading and discusses this. Then again challenges the reader to stop and meditate for ten total days before continuing.) A meditation self assessment asks the reader if they have completed 10 days of meditation before moving on. It has responses for most possible answers continuing to push the reader to do at least 10 days of practice before going on. Rewrite notes: The order to put down the book is awkward and may stop someone from reading the rest of the book. My instinct is to make the how to meditate a separate pamphlet book with that challenge at the end…or change it in this book…. Either way, a reward page for every day that meditation happens even with just a short quote or something would be nice for the reader. I am leaning towards a separate pamphlet truly. The meditation self assessment again pushes the reader to meditate but also discourages continuation of the book….again lending itself to pamphlet or relax the pressure… Do I want to challenge people or inspire them? If I wish to inspire, then the rest of the book may help…maybe… Or do I truly want to say you are not worthy to read on if you do not start meditating? … Learning the basics of meditation practice and trying it once is relatively easy. Meditating once or twice is like sticking to a diet for one or two meals. It is definitely a great step, but if that’s all you do, your life won’t really feel the impact of the new practice. It is often hard to stick to a new practice or new routine long enough to feel the impact. But how long does that take? And how hard will it be for you? When it comes to meditation, I think about ten days is the minimum amount to begin to notice the practice starting to have some noticeable effects. If you can meditate twenty minutes a day for a total of ten days (even if they aren’t perfectly consecutive) you should start to notice a subtle but significant effect on your daily life. Stick with it a bit longer and you will start to realize this growing impact is very positive in a wide variety of ways. You may not even be able to describe the impact exactly, because you won’t yet have the right words to attach to the feelings, but you will know something is happening. As you continue a daily meditation practice, one issue that might arise for you is the recognition that meditation is changing you, but you are not sure you like the changes. For instance, you may notice your behavior subtly changes in social situations. Your friends, family, or coworkers may even notice something is different- and some may not like it at first glance. Some people who start a practice of meditation start to appear more quiet and patient in social settings and this can make people used to different behavior patterns uncomfortable at first. If you find yourself wondering if the effect of meditation is desirable to you personally, pay careful attention to this. The fact that you have reached a point in your practice that you notice changes in yourself is an enormous accomplishment. You have reached an important crossroads, a milestone in your experience with meditation- just like a person who has earned a different color belt in a martial arts class. Great job! Naturally, I will encourage you to continue meditating, but this might not be your path. You may need to stop for a few weeks, months, or even years. You may need to have time to really reflect upon how you felt when you practiced and how you feel when you don’t practice. You may need to go through multiple phases of meditating on a daily basis and not meditating at all for weeks on end, until you finally understand why you want to establish a rock solid dedicated daily meditation practice. Whatever you need to do, then do it. Just strive to be honest with yourself- (delete hyphen) and not allow your clever mind to convince you “meditation doesn’t work for me,” just as a video game addicted child might try to convince a parent, “I don’t like the beach.” Eventually, if you practice meditation regularly, there is a good chance you will recognize that a daily meditation practice feels remarkably healthy. You will grow to recognize the changes to your thinking and awareness that meditation helps to facilitate are absolutely beneficial for your health and well-being. In fact, there is a very good chance you will reach a point where you know, at least intellectually, that a daily meditation practice is absolutely good for your mental and physical health, your emotional peace, your clarity, and your life path. And yet, it may continue to be hard to practice every day without stopping. Even after you start to appreciate how beneficial meditation is, the hard part is often continuing to stick with it. In essence, practicing meditation can very quickly become an activity in your life just like cleaning your house, quitting smoking, eating healthy, and getting regular exercise- something you know is great for you, but an activity you may struggle to practice on a regular basis nonetheless. For some reason, we humans have a very easy time avoiding doing activities that we know without a doubt will make our lives better. In fact, understanding the inner mechanisms that cause this bizarre cognitive dissonance is a wonderful area to explore with meditation. Yet, ironically this dissonance may prevent you from meditating enough to do the work you need to do to understand it. It’s a classic chicken or the egg scenario and only you can cook up a solution to it by simply finding a way to meditate every day. Your mission now, if you choose to accept it and reap the many riches and rewards it has to offer, and before beginning the next section, is to meditate at least twenty minutes a day for a total of ten days. The days don’t have to be consecutive. Feel free to miss a couple, but I challenge you to get to ten days. Only after you do that, do I suggest you go on to the next section of this book. If you cannot meditate for ten total days, then you are may not be ready for the next sections (add comma) and I suspect you won’t learn as much from them. If you want to learn about meditation and mindfulness, you’ve got to meditate. You’ve just got to sit and do it over an over again. It’s like learning to ride a bike. You won’t learn much if you just read about it or talk about it. You need to do it. Have you meditated today yet? If not, how about you stop reading this book and sit for twenty minutes right now? This will get you 10% closer to 10 days! … Did you do it? Did you put down the book and meditate? If not, why not? What stopped you? Would meditating for twenty minutes at the exact moment you finished the previous section be inconvenient? Would it have been a little hard to do? Remember, we learn the most from the activities that require a little effort. It is ok to make yourself a little uncomfortable. You will be comfortable when you are lying in your soft cozy coffin, but right now, you are alive. Find your right effort level. As you push through the challenges of practicing meditation, you will start to discover and experience some very valuable things. You will likely encounter impatience, frustration, boredom, and all sorts of feelings that will push you in different directions. In the moments when these feelings are pushing you to do something, such as to stop meditating and go do something else, you will need to decide in those exact moments whether to obey the arising impulse or not. Do you resist what a feeling is pushing you to do or do you simply go where it is pushing you? Can you resist your impulses? If you can resist an impulse, how long can you resist it? As you practice meditation, take notice of this struggle between your impulses and your capacity for self-restraint, your ability to resist an impulse. This struggle is a critical place of learning. You need to learn who is controlling your life, you or your impulses. You need to start struggling with meditation so that you can appreciate the tips and insights that any meditation book or teacher has to offer. If you feel an unbearable impulse to open your eyes and stop meditating whether it is after one minute or thirty minutes, then you are feeling something incredibly important. These seemingly unbearable moments are some of your best opportunities for learning and growth. When they happen, don’t simply give in to them. Instead, see how long you can resist. See what you can learn by resisting. Then, if you want, see what you learn by giving in to them. And after both experiences, ask yourself, which felt better? Which choice, resisting or giving in to the impulse to stop meditating, leads you to a truly better place? When you first begin resisting strong impulses that arise during meditation, you likely won’t be able to resist for long. That’s ok. Your capacity for self-restraint at least at some level may not be terribly strong. Don’t beat yourself up for being unable to resist for long, but rather congratulate yourself for whatever effort you can sustain. Resisting an impulse for thirty seconds is infinitely more impressive than immediate surrender. Grow a little backbone. The point is to exercise and grow and as long as you are making a healthy effort, the exercise is doing its job and you are beginning to benefit. Accept yourself and your capacities in the present moment, while making a gentle healthy effort to make progress in the direction you want to move. Something inspired you to read this book and to learn more about meditation and mindfulness. Perhaps you are new to meditation or perhaps you are someone who has practiced it a lot at different times in your life. The question of the moment is, “Are you practicing it right now on a daily basis?” If the answer is no, then I challenge you to practice at least for ten days. Only you can make the changes in your life you need to make your life journey as healthy and as flourishing as you want it to be. If you know meditation is good for you or if you are convinced you would like to find out if it is or not, then now is a perfect moment to establish a new routine. So stop reading and go meditate for twenty minutes a day for ten days. Then come back and continue reading. There is so much to talk about. Meditation Practice Self Assessment Did you ever read a “choose your own adventure” book as a kid? You read a section of story and then you choose chose what happened next. Then you would turn the page to the corresponding continuation of the story. I used to love these books. Well, we are going to take a page out of that style of book and let you choose your next section. The question you need to answer is: “Did you meditate at least 20 minutes a day for ten days?” Please select your answer below and then read the corresponding section that follows. 1. Not yet, because ten days have not passed yet and I want to read more. 2. No, but I meditated a few times. 3. No. I just couldn’t find the time. 4. No. I tried it once (add comma) and I just can’t do it. 5. No, for some other reason not listed. 6. Yes! I meditated at least 20 minutes a day a total of ten days! ~~~~~~~~~ Answer 1: Not yet, because ten days have not passed yet and I want to read more first. - Interesting. Do you always do what you want to do? If you were in an exercise class and the instructor suggests you do a few more pushups then than feels comfortable, then what would you do? I can do about 20 pushups before I want to stop. Yet, I can push myself to do about eight more before I really want to stop. Then I usually stop. What about you? You want to read more of this book before trying to meditate for ten days. You will not get as much out of the following sections of this book if you do not first meditate at least ten days. I challenge you to follow my instruction. It is not an order. I have no power or authority over you. I am merely trying to share with you what I consider the most profoundly powerful tools I have ever encountered in life, the tools of meditation and mindfulness. If you trust my judgment at all, that I can help you learn about these tools, then I challenge you to trust my judgment and push yourself to do something you don’t fully want to do (although a part of you may want to do it). Stop reading and meditate twenty minutes a day for ten days. Right now! Just as a physical trainer might challenge you to lift a slightly heavier weight or run a bit further then you want to, I am challenging you to stop reading and meditate. And then do it every day for a total of ten days before reading on. The choice is as always, yours to make. Learning to meditate is about building up capacities in your consciousness and one of these vital capacities is your willpower and your self-discipline. Words in a book only do so much. At some point, if you want to build muscle, you’ve got to go to the gym and pick up the weights! You really have to try to meditate to begin to learn anything about it. So go do it now and come back when you have ten days under your belt! … Answer 2: No. But I meditated a few times. - Great! Now go meditate every day until you get to ten days and then come back to this book to continue. … Answer 3: No. I just couldn’t find the time. – (delete hyphen) I totally understand! Lack of time and space is one of the most common obstacles to a regular meditation practice. Once you gain some of the skills and powers of mindfulness, you will learn that you have plenty of power to make time and space for the critical activities of your life. You will learn how to take time away from activities that you don’t really enjoy and that don’t really enhance your life. For example, to make time for meditation you might cut out some TV time or simply get out of bed 30 minutes earlier every morning. Or you might sneak out to your car during your workday to meditate like I used to do all the time! Couldn’t you do something like this to free up twenty minutes every day? Meditation can help you build self-control and self-discipline, so that you can adjust your life to fit in whatever you want to fill it with. But it cannot help you unless you find a way to start practicing. If you want to learn to meditate and learn to enjoy and explore the amazing transformative power of mindfulness, you must make the time to meditate. Be creative. Be brave. Be honest. Make it happen. There is no shortcut to a capacity for mindfulness just as there is no shortcut to a black belt in Kung Fu (outside of movies like The Matrix). If you want to build the muscles in your arms, then you can do pushups, but you have to do it several days a week. Doing it once a month will not build strength. If you want to develop the mental muscles and capacities that meditation can help you build, then you have to figure out a way to practice. Step one is practicing for ten days total. … Answer 4: No. I tried it once (add comma) and I just can’t do it. – (delete hyphen) This is absolutely normal, but the answer is not that you cannot do it. The answer is, you cannot do twenty minutes. Guess what, I cannot do fifty pushups today, but I can do twenty. If you cannot do twenty minutes of meditation, then you simply have some barriers you need to work with before you get there. These barriers are very common and extremely noteworthy. Even if you do not ever overcome them, you can learn a lot about yourself by pushing up against them for ten solid days. If you cannot meditate for twenty minutes, how long can you meditate? Ten minutes? Five minutes? One minute? Twenty seconds? Whatever your answer is, that is where you are at right now. There is no point in trying to be somewhere you are not. You are where you are. Accept who you are right now and work with that. Any effort you put in will benefit you. If you can only do one minute of meditation before you feel an unbearable need to stop, then this is an extremely important phenomena to understand about yourself. Don’t cheat yourself out of some important self-wisdom by just saying to yourself, “I can’t hold my attention still for long,” or “I have ADHD,” or “I just can’t do it.” Blanket statements and labels like this do not do justice to what is happening in your consciousness when you struggle to be still. You are more complicated than such simplistic statements. Something important is happening in those moments. I challenge you to look at this “something” and try to understand it more deeply. If you cannot meditate for twenty minutes, then I challenge you to meditate for whatever length of time you can, one minute, five minutes, ten minutes or whatever. I challenge you to meditate for however long you can, once a day, for ten days. If you do that, then go ahead and go on to the next chapter. If you can push yourself just far enough to accomplish that, then you deserve to read on if you are so inclined. … Answer 5: No, for some other reason not listed. – (delete hyphen) Try again. You can do it. … Answer 6: Yes! I meditated at least 20 minutes a day a total of ten days! - Great! Amazing job. You have just overcome the one of the biggest obstacles you will ever encounter on your quest to learn to be mindful. I wish I were talking with you right now so you could tell me if it was easy or hard for you to accomplish this. I would happily share with you some of my stories of struggling to make time to meditate. Our lives sometimes come up with the most fascinating and amusing roadblocks. Yet, once we begin to see every roadblock with the eyes of gentle wisdom, we begin to realize there is almost always a simple path around, over, or through the roadblock. (And again, I said simple, I did not say easy!) With ten days of meditation under your belt, you have broken through one of the most difficult roadblocks meditation beginners encounter: getting started. Now that you have started a meditation practice, guess what your next challenge is? That’s right, it is continuing your daily meditation practice. Every day (with an occasional day off if circumstances demand it) meditate at least twenty minutes and while you do that, keep reading this book! Perhaps you thought you could stop after reaching ten days? No, that’s not how exercise works. Meditation practice is like eating healthy food or quitting smoking. The hardest step is to begin. The next hardest step is to keep at it for a week to ten days. The next hardest step is to keep at it for at least thirty days. The next hardest step is to never fall off the wagon- or if you do, get right back on it. Healthy practices are cumulative and only work as long as you practice them consistently. And remember, if on some days you can only do five or ten minutes, then just do that. You don’t need to torture yourself if a twenty minute sit is too much sometimes. We often struggle with finding the self-discipline to do the things we know we want to do. This struggle is simply a feature of conscious life, a part of having free will. This struggle is an unchanging part of our reality- it is as real and as immutable as gravity. Gravity is always there, no matter how much we wish it would go away sometimes. So too is the challenge to do the practices every day that we know enhance our life and help us live a happy flourishing existence. If you have established enough of a meditation practice to accumulate at least ten days of twenty minutes of meditation, then I challenge you to go a bit further. I challenge you to meditate at least five days a week for twenty minutes a day for another twenty days. At the same time, keep reading this book. Then after twenty days, reflect upon this experience like an experiment. If after you complete this challenge, you honestly decide a regular meditation practice is not for you, then feel free to try a different style of practice or stop altogether. If any type of exercise doesn’t seem to work right for you, then the wise decision is to change or stop the practice. On the other hand, if an exercise seems clearly beneficial to you, even if it is hard, then the wisest decision is to find a way to keep at it. There is always a way foreword if you take the time to patiently and thoughtfully look for it. Remember, simply the fact that some activity is extremely uncomfortable or difficult, (delete comma) does not prove that activity is bad for you. Sometimes discomfort and pain are signals that you are doing the right thing at the exact right time. Keep your eyes open and try to be relentlessly honest with yourself as you constantly ask, “What is the best possible action I could take right now? Not the easiest. Not the safest. What is the best possible action I could take right now?” Then do what is best for as long as you can. Then reward yourself with a break. I promise you will be pleased with where this attitude takes you. ________________ Section II: Beginning Your Journey The following section assumes you have found a way to take the first significant steps to begin to learn about meditation. ________________ Chapter 5: The Early Stages of Your Mindful Journey If you have made it this far, then you have probably overcome your first seemingly diabolical obstacles to a regular meditation practice. For some people, getting to this point is fairly easy, like crossing a small brook, while for others it is a gargantuan effort, like fording a raging river. Whether it was easy, difficult, or something in between for you to establish a daily meditation practice, you can rest assured your meditation journey from here on out will be smooth (add comma) easy sailing. Ha! Just kidding. Your meditation journey, like your life journey, will never magically transform into an easy carefree ride into the sunset. This journey is an adventure full of strange events, powerful emotions, stirring highs, and strange lows. Meditation practice doesn’t change the nature of life; rather it simply makes your journey much better. Meditation practice is like scraping the barnacles off the hull of your boat. A hull covered in barnacles drags on the water making your journey slower and more difficult. Taking the time to scrape those barnacles off is hard work, but it pays off handsomely every time you set sail by rewarding you with a smoother easier ride. A regular meditation practice is very similar in its benefits. So if you have managed to establish a daily meditation practice, I sincerely say, “Well done!” Close your eyes a moment and simply acknowledge the effort you have put into this process so far. … Now that you have started your mindful journey, it is a good time to consider some of the questions that may be arising for you. You’ve jumped into the water and started swimming, but are you beginning to wonder where you are going? Are you going anywhere or are you swimming in circles? In short, you may be wondering, “Am I doing this right?” That is an absolutely great question, so, (delete comma) let’s find out if you are. Am I Doing This Right? “Am I doing this right?” This is probably the most frequent thought to ever arise in the minds of people who meditate. In truth, this thought may never truly go away and it shouldn’t, (delete comma) because you never want to be done learning. The moment we tell ourselves we know the answer to something and begin to believe we don’t have anything more to learn about it is the same moment our mind begins to crystalize and stagnate. It’s healthy to keep asking, is this the right thing to do? You are never done finding your healthy path forward, whether it is how to meditate or how to live. Yet, it is nice to feel like you have some idea how to navigate an activity. So let’s discuss your meditation time a bit more. When you sit and meditate, are you doing it right, or at least, are you doing it in the healthiest way? Let’s start with a small handful of questions you might have if you have followed the basic meditation instructions I offered. Here is a short list of some of the questions that arose for me when I first began practicing meditation: * What exactly do I do while I meditate? * Should I focus on my breath or my bodily sensations or should I allow the experience to flow in a more open and unstructured way? * Is it ok to think about a future event and plan? * Is it ok to reflect upon a past event that stirs up emotions? * Is it ok to pursue a sexual fantasy? * Is it ok to fall asleep? * Is it ok to shift positions if I start to feel discomfort or pain? * Can I itch my nose? * Will I learn anything from sitting through discomfort? * Will I learn anything from resisting thinking about what my mind wants to think about? * If I resist something arising during meditation such as thinking about a memory or problem in my life, what do I do instead? * What am I trying to do? * Why am I doing this at all? * What’s on TV? Do any of these questions feel familiar? If you have managed to practice meditation for at least ten days, questions like these have probably come up. If not, don’t worry, they probably will someday. [4] Questions like the questions ones above are all fantastic questions! If questions like these are arising in your consciousness when you meditate, then guess what? You are really doing it. You are working the mental muscles of your consciousness that you want to work. Think of the confusion and the desire for understanding that is churning away inside you as the muscle pain from your exercise. After all, when you workout your bodily muscles, they sometimes feel sore for days afterwards sometimes- and this is a good sign. It is evidence of a real workout. Likewise, confusion and churning urgent questions are evidence of sincere effort during meditation practice. Your neurons are firing and trying to find new functional pathways! This is a good thing. What happens next? Next you make a gentle continuous effort to find answers. How Do I Answer My Questions? What do you do in order to answer the questions that arise during meditation practice? First, continue to practice meditation every day. This is not always the easiest or fastest way to uncover an answer to a question, but it is the most authentic and the most effective way to ensure you actually hear the answer. After all, what good is reading the answer or being told the answer, if you don’t hear and understand the answer? Suppose you were trying to master a golf swing, or a basketball free throw, or a dance step (this is a little more gender neutral) and things were not going well. You are performing terribly. You feel confused. You cannot find a motion that seems to feel right. The ball is not going where you want it to go. What do you do? Do you completely stop practicing and go read books about it for several months? Or do you seek guidance and tips while continuing to test out the ideas and suggestions you are learning about with continued regular practice? It is wonderful to do research and look for guidance, but without practice, you are learning about something in a purely academic and intellectual way. For practical knowledge you need practical experience. So keep practicing. The physical act of meditating will help you understand the nuances of meditation practice. This is one of the remarkable things about meditation. You don’t even need to focus your mind on any specific questions, but simply meditate. If any particular question calls for your attention during a meditation sit, you can allow yourself to contemplate it or not. The choice as always is up to you and there is no right or wrong choice. Sometimes it will be the skillful choice to deeply examine a question or topic during meditation and sometimes it will be better to simply allow your experience to unfold with very little effort to manage the experience. Sometimes it might be best to focus your attention on your breath. Any one of these choices may take you to answers! Try each one and see what type of results you get. Have you ever had a question or problem that has been bugging you for a while and suddenly while in the shower the answer just appears clearly in your mind? The reason this happens is that showers are a mystical gateway to the truth. No, just kidding (I think). The reason answers to questions and problems seem to sometimes emerge out of nowhere sometimes is because that your mind is an amazing and powerful instrument- and you don’t actually notice everything it is doing. Sometimes taking your conscious attention away from a subject will give your unconscious and subconscious mind the time it needs to figure something out. This same phenomena occurs with meditation quite often. Sometimes sitting still and quiet gives the unseen parts of your consciousness the time it needs to figure something out. Then your mind unveils the answer to you while you wash your hair or drive to work or whatever. Another way to look at the meditation process is to think of it like feeling your way through a dark forest, (delete comma) guided only by a distant light. You cannot see the trees, the rocks, the rivers, the footbridges, or much of the detail of where you are or where you are going. Yet, you can occasionally see the distant light where you want to head, so instead of trying to plan out every step, you just take it one step at a time. You feel your way forward. Likewise, we don’t need to figure out all our questions out with thinking in words and rational connections. Instead, we can feel our way forward to greater understanding. Some questions may simply fade away as unimportant. Others may linger for the rest of your life. The more often a question arises during meditation practice then the more often you will gently struggle with the question. Every time a question arises, you learn more about the true nature of the question. When you do decide to directly contemplate a question, you may find that rather then than the contemplation leading to an answer, it instead leads to a different question. This is good. This is progress. Continue to sit and see where it leads you. Sit with everything in your life, every day, and you will find yourself making progress. You won’t always understand how you are making progress. You may feel like you are stumbling through the wilderness in the dark, and in a way, you are. You are exploring the dark corners of your consciousness and your life. When you sit and meditate, you are giving yourself a powerful gift of time and quiet, where you and your consciousness will work to sort out everything you need to sort out. As long as you give yourself the time and space to sit and meditate, that good healthy work will be churning away whether you are consciously aware of it or not. The answer to all the questions you have about meditation practice is “experiment and see what happens.” You can discuss these things with teachers or other meditators (add comma) or you can read books like this one, but your personal experimentation is infinitely more valuable and educational than anything anyone else tells you. You are the ultimate authority on your conscious journey. Neither I nor anyone else can peer into your mind and fully understand what you are dealing with, what you are feeling, or what you are experiencing. So read books and articles, talk to other meditators and meditation teachers. Discuss your journey. Ask your questions. But know, always know, you must do your own personal work to figure out what is your personal absolute truth. Only then, (delete comma) will you begin to discover, (delete comma) that many of these truths are indeed true for all of us. Yet, You won’t know this because someone told you, but you will know it from your experience. Knowledge from experience is infinitely more valuable than knowledge from a teaching. To believe something is true because someone taught it to you is more a demonstration of your faith in the person teaching you then than it is a demonstration of your own insight. To know something is true because you explored the question until you uncovered the your truth is to acquire genuine knowledge. The former is to be a messenger. The latter is to become an authority. You can learn a lot from hearing about how others have travelled a path, but only you can travel your path today- right now. As I said earlier, where someone else found an easy creek to cross, you might find a raging river. Another person may not understand your struggle with a particular step on your journey because they never had to face what you are facing. So treat the guidance of others as handy reference tools, but keep your eyes open to the reality of your journey, and make the adjustments you need to make to get to where you want to go. Keep Asking Am I doing this right? We might rephrase this question to “Am I doing the best thing at this moment?” Isn’t this question alive no matter where we are, no matter what we are doing? Isn’t it alive for you right now as you read this? It is for me as I write this. It never goes away. Every moment of our life lives we are making a choice to do what we are doing or to stop and do something else. Meditating doesn’t suddenly make this moment-to-moment decision making true, rather meditating simply helps us become more aware of this fire hose (Are you sure you want to use this metaphor?) of moment-to-moment choice making. Meditation and mindfulness also help us take fuller responsibility and ownership of our moment-to-moment choices. What do I do now? Should I think about my feelings? Should I plan? Should I reminisce about this memory that keeps arising? While you meditate you are dancing with this rushing river of choices. You are immersed in them. They are pushing and pulling upon your awareness like a wrestler wrenching you around a ring- and every time you enter this ring and face this powerful wrestler, you are getting stronger and more adept at the struggle- even if it feels sometimes like you are getting beat up. (You are using lots of male gender images. To make this more gender neutral, use nature images – like struggling with a tornado or storm.) Being alive and conscious is an unceasing pressure of choices. What do I do now? This question doesn’t suddenly go away when we stop meditating. It is still there, but we may believe we already know what we “should” do with our time when we are not meditating. We have our routines, our jobs, and our responsibilities. We have our lives so overflowing with urgent answers to the question, “What do I do?” that we don’t have to struggle with the question, (change this comma to a dash) we just have to try to keep up with demand. Life outside of meditation is often a maelstrom of obligations that we chase like a cat chasing an infuriatingly fast mouse. Yet, are we doing the right things with our time? Are we doing the best we can in the best way we can? Should we do anything differently? Are you happy? Are you living your life in the way you truly want to live? If we slow down our frantic chase after our endless obligations and responsibilities, then we might have to face these big questions. But who want’s wants (don’t use the apostrophe) to do that? It is easier to assume we have the big questions all figured out (add comma) and we should just keep working and doing. Eating. Consuming entertainment. Socializing. Reading. Going to school. Having sex. Spending time with people we care about. I am doing things that everyone else is doing (add comma) so it must be ok (add comma) right? These big philosophical questions are a waste of time (add comma) right? I need to be productive, not worry about the meaning of life. Right? Wrong! The biggest questions in life do not go away or lose their significance simply because you choose to ignore them. They linger like elephants in the dark shadows of our consciousness until we decide to face them again- whether it is now or later. What does it mean to be productive? What are you trying to produce in your life? What are you trying to create? When you lay lie on your death bed and reflect back upon your life, what will you see? Will you see a life lived or a life wasted? Will you see a life in which you found your true path in which where you enriched yourself, the world and the people around you? Or will you feel regret that you didn’t stop, hold perfectly still, and reassess more often? Will you feel you could have grown in different ways? Will you regret not exploring some paths and opportunities that flashed before your eyes from time to time? Why is meditation hard? It is hard because life is hard. If you stop and pay attention once in a while, you will see that your life is full of big bold profound questions every moment. Meditation is hard because when we meditate we begin to remember this fact. When we sit with stillness, the small day-to-day chatter of our minds inevitably reveals itself as only a small portion of our conscious journey. The more we meditate, the more we begin to remember the overwhelming excitement and weighty responsibility of being alive and choosing a life path. Who am I? Am I happy? What type of life do I want? Where do I want to go? What do I want to become? What do I want to learn? These questions may begin to join the day-to-day questions that swim within your consciousness while you meditate. Welcome these questions in. Let them swim in your mind ocean- and as with other questions, don’t worry if you don’t see clear answers. Just sit with them. Welcome them to your mental tea party. Simply keep practicing. Practice every day as much as feels right. Practice until all the day-to-day questions and problems that flitter constantly through your mind settle down, (delete comma) leaving you with those shiny philosophical gems, those most important questions of your life. Then gently, relentlessly, and courageously sit with those questions. Big questions are big opportunities. Big opportunities lead to big exciting moments. If you find yourself honestly asking “Am I happy?” and the answer is “no,” then this is a big deal. Don’t hide from this truth. Don’t hide from any truth. If there is one thing I will say unambiguously, if there is one thing that I will not encourage you to question believe (stay in the positive tone), it is that honesty is your friend. Be honest with yourself. Never embrace denial of what is true. You don’t have to shove the truth down your throat faster than you can swallow it, but never allow yourself to consciously choose denial and self-deception. That is a pathway to insanity. Truth will often appear disturbing or even terrifying when it begins to arise and you begin to realize you may need to shift your thinking. Truth can rock our worlds and make us worry about losing our very identity- but this is what growth is. When we grow (add comma) we change and we become something different. This is the journey- and you can handle it. You want to handle it. You don’t want to stop growing and stagnate. You want to grow, to flourish, and to thrive. That is a happy life. Big Questions and Big Life Changes You don’t need to solve any problem or answer any question immediately. There is no rush. Simply allowing your mind to honestly see these challenges will help your conscious, unconscious, and subconscious mind begin to get to work on them. Then one day, you may see answers and you may see clear paths of action open up- perhaps while meditating…perhaps while in the shower. It is one thing to learn to meditate. It is another thing to overcome obstacles to establish a daily meditation practice. It is a whole new ball game to realize you need to make a big scary change in your life and then actually do it. Sometimes, you may feel an incredible temptation to shove a revelation back into a dark corner of your mind where you can forget about it. Try to Resist this temptation. Never run away from the truth. And remember, your first understanding of the truth, and your first eureka moment for how to address a life problem, may not be the only answer. In fact, your first glimpse of the truth may still be very warped and colored by your current misconceptions and assumptions. Approach new ideas and paths with caution and patient curiosity. Let’s suppose you are married and you realize with the help of a meditation practice, you are unhappy. You then realize one day, you are unhappy in your marriage. You are sitting meditating and suddenly clear as day you see how your relationship with your spouse has slowly stagnated until the spark of love has all but died in your life partnership. This could be one of those big terrifying moments where your entire life and identity is called into question. You are a spouse. You are married. All your friends and family think of you as married. If you get divorced that will all change. If you have kids, divorce would dramatically change their lives. You have a family, a home. You can’t change that- yet you are trying to face the truth meditation helps you see and you see you are unhappy in your marriage. Divorce is clearly the answer your mind has revealed to you. What do you do? Just bite the bullet and ask for a divorce today? That’s what you need to do (add comma) right? That’s the truth so…No. Stop. Wait. Breathe. Big answers and revelations are often accompanied by big emotional flows. It can be like a dam bursting. When this happens, it is very important to be patient with what your mind is awakening to. There are always different ways to move forward. Give yourself time to learn about your revelation and explore your options. Whether it is your job or your relationship, simply ending it is always one option, but not the only option. Moreover, the way you do something is sometimes more important than the actual action itself. Give your consciousness a chance to explore the true range of possible actions. If you are in a relationship where the love has dried up, then you might think of it like discovering you have a houseplant that is dying. You don’t have to give up on it, but it will help you if you face the reality of its current condition. A dying houseplant needs special attention. What can you do to help it? In the case of a relationship, the question involves both of you- so perhaps the solution is not ask for a divorce, (delete comma) but to sit down with your spouse and speak from the heart and to see where it takes you. Seek to find your healthiest path forward, but also seek compassion for the people that will be affected as you explore the possibility of change. Sometimes a stagnating situation can be revitalized. Sometimes it can’t. You won’t know until you feel your way through it. Be patient. Let yourself contemplate how to begin to deeply understand where you suddenly find yourself. Feel free to ask for help and advice from others. You don’t have to struggle alone. Step patiently and cautiously forward- especially down paths that will dramatically transform your life and the lives of others. And after every step, meditate. Meditate every day for at least a few minutes. Meditation is sometimes most difficult during times of high emotional energy- yet that is when you may need it most. Let meditation help you. This gentle open-minded approach I describe for handling a revelation about a relationship is exactly the same approach to take with any revelation or powerful new idea that arises through your practice. Move forward cautiously, but do not stop moving forward. A Visit With Your Friend Stillness You might think of every meditation session like a refreshing social visit with your new friend Stillness. Stillness is very shy and quiet. Stillness won’t try to hog everyone’s attention or get angry if you ignore her. Stillness is one of those quiet, wise, beautiful peaceful friends who will just stand to the side while you engage with louder and more frantic personalities. When you meditate, you are inviting Stillness to be with you. When you meditate, you are trying to pay attention to your shy friend in the corner of the party. The challenge with spending quality time with your quiet friend (add comma) Stillness, is that all your other friends don’t always leave the room. Instead, they linger and hover around you, calling for your attention and even trying to get between you and your friend Stillness. It’s not that your other friends, fear, worry, desire, etc…dislike Stillness, but rather, they just crave your attention and love. Yet, in fighting for your attention, they can behave like petty (add comma) petulant children. What do you do in “real life” if you have a shy quiet friend who you want to spend time with, yet your other rowdy friends are crowding you? Get angry? Yell at them to go away? No. Violent speech is utterly unhelpful. Instead, simply ask them to give you time with Stillness. Invite them to also visit with Stillness. Be gentle yet firm. Meditation is time with Stillness. Everyone else needs to behave adult enough not to interfere. Quieting the rowdy (add comma) powerful attention whoring grabbing parts of our consciousness is not easy. It takes practice. So practice every day, every time you sit to meditate. And remember, your most powerful tool is your attention. If you want to be with Stillness and not the other parts of your consciousness, then simply shift your attention to Stillness, to the moment between your in and out breath, or the quiet between the noises around you. Learn to Control Your Attention You cannot control everything that arises in your consciousness any more than you can control other people in this big crazy world. Yet, you can learn to control your attention. If you wish to silence noisy or obnoxious talkative entities around you, then simply turn away from them and give your attention to the entity you wish to honor and listen to. Try this sometime in a real life situation, with real people acting out for your attention and then notice the results. Attention is a remarkable and subtle power. Occasionally we all find ourselves in a group of people where one person is talking way more than others. As we will explore in later chapters, talking is a way of grabbing social space and so talking a lot without allowing space for others feels very unbalanced and perhaps even greedy. A simple way to gently address greedy social behavior is to shift the group attention away from the attention hog. For example, when you find an opening, simply say, “What do you think?” to someone other than the over talker. With that one simple statement, you carve out a moment of social space for another person to fill. You can then repeat this over an over again, gifting space to other people in the group with simple questions. You have an inalienable right to move your attention wherever you want to move it. No one and nothing has the right to force you to give it your eyes and ears. Shifting attention in your consciousness while meditating is a bit trickier, but still simple. One specific example of shifting your attention is to begin with focusing your attention on a feeling your body such as your breath or even just your right hand, or left big toe. Once you have your attention on a sensation, you might slide it gently to another sensation, for example from your hand to your forearm. Then you might keep gently sliding your attention around your body. If you ever become overwhelmed with things streaming through your mind, you might try doing this for a few moments and then relax and see how you feel. The breath is another fascinating sensation to focus upon. Many schools of meditation teach the breath as the most optimum focus of meditation practice. I personally don’t use the breath all the time, but I definitely practice it on occasion. Your breath can become an amazing friend and ally in your life- especially when emotions begin to roll hot. If you practice focusing on your breath, but feel a need for a still greater connection to stillness, then consider focusing your attention on the stillness between each breath. Focus your attention on the moment your breath changes directions. When you focus your attention on the infinitesimal moments between breaths (add comma) you are looking directly into the eyes of your good friend Stillness. There is immeasurable peace and clarity found there. If you are in an environment where there is noise, then you might focus your attention on the silence between the sounds. You don’t have to be in a quiet environment to do this, you merely need to shift your attention to the silence that surrounds all the noises in your environment. This exercise is very similar to paying attention to the stillness between breaths, in that you are training your attention to not focus on the obvious and the blunt, but rather you are training it to see the subtle and the obscured. This is a brilliant skill to develop, for often the most important things in life are very subtle and they are often obscured by the loud and obnoxious. If you practice any of the techniques described above on a regular basis, soon you will find that your meditation practices become a refreshing visit with Stillness. With a little patience and gentle effort the boisterous visitors that make so much noise in your consciousness will also begin to appreciate and learn from Stillness. In this way, Stillness becomes welcome not only during your meditation sits, but it is eventually fully welcomed into your lifeboat. Stillness becomes one of the familiar and invaluable companions on your life journey- all the time, not merely during meditation. With a little more time and practice you will notice Stillness is always with you, even while you walk around your daily life at home, at work, and at play. Eventually, you will also begin to notice, (delete comma) Stillness often has great ideas for how to handle many situations- you simply need to pay attention to what it has to say. This then brings us to mindfulness. Mindfulness is the capacity to awaken the beauty, power, peace, and gentle wisdom of stillness in any moment of our life. If you have managed to make a daily meditation practice a part of your life, you might consider now if you wish to add another enriching daily practice: the practice of mindfulness. Chapter 6: Practicing Mindfulness Mindfulness is a very rich concept that is not easily pinned down to a few words. To be mindful is to be living in the present moment. To be mindful is to be awake and aware. To be mindful is to feel the peace and clarity of stillness in the background of any moment, no matter how dramatic or chaotic that moment feels on the surface. If you have established a daily meditation practice, then you have already started to exercise your capacity for mindfulness, for being still naturally exercises this capacity. After practicing meditation every day for a few weeks, you may already feel your awareness during your daily life feels a bit different. You may feel a bit more calm and patient. You may feel a bit less pulled along by events and a bit more in control of your path forward. The more you meditate the more these types of subtle transformations will occur in your conscious awareness. You can bring mindful awareness deeper into your daily activities with some intentional mindfulness practices. The next section will share some tips how to do this. How To Practice Mindfulness? The simplest explanation for how to meditate is: Be still. The simplest explanation for how to practice mindfulness is: Pay attention. That’s basically it. Yet, once again, the task is easier said than done. You are somewhere right this moment reading these words. Pause your eyes from moving for a moment and simply rest it on a word in this book. Don’t put the book down. Don’t look around where you are. Simply freeze, rest your eyes on a word, and wait for five to fifteen breaths. Go ahead, do it now. I’ll wait here. Now stop reading again and reflect back upon the time you were holding still breathing. Did anything shift for you during that time? Were you more aware of anything around you? Did you feel any change in your level of awareness? Here is another exercise. Hold still again in the same way. This time make an effort to pay extra attention to what you see, hear, feel, taste, and smell during this pause. Pay attention to what emotions and thoughts are flowing through you. Pay attention to all of this with the conscious intent to remember it. If you want some little tricks to help you pay attention during this pause, you might imagine one of the following to be true: * Imagine someone is going to pay you $100 per detail you can remember from the moments you hold still. * Imagine a magical gnome is hiding somewhere nearby and you are holding still in order to try and notice it. * Imagine someone is trying to send you a secret message somehow right now in this moment, but it is hidden, and you have to carefully and slyly look for it while continuing to pretend to be reading. Ok. Go ahead and pause for another seven to fifteen breaths, while paying extra attention to your experience. … How was that for you?[5] By making a gentle effort to pay more attention to everything happening in the present, you are practicing mindfulness. The more you do this, the greater your capacity for mindfulness will grow. This may seem like a small thing, but it is not. By practicing increasing your present awareness, you are nurturing a conscious capacity, a basic “muscle” of your mind, which impacts every moment of your waking life. Improving your capacity for mindfulness is as valuable and as impactful on your life as improving the muscles and flexibility of your legs. You use your legs most likely all the time- so if you dramatically improved how they perform, wouldn’t this significantly impact your entire life? Well, you use your mind even more than your legs- and your mind impacts your life even more dramatically. Learning to increase your mindful awareness will enhance your experience of life in countless ways. Now that hopefully you have an inkling how to practice mindfulness during your daily life, the next step is learning to practice it enough that your capacity for mindfulness increases. For the more your capacity to practice mindfulness in any moment increases, the more helpful it will be to you in finding your path to happiness. How To Expand Your Capacity For Mindfulness? Practicing mindfulness once for a few moments is fairly easy. Practicing it on a sustained basis is more challenging. Below is a practice that has worked very well for me. Choose one activity you do at least a few times a day. The one I chose for my first mindful activity is going up and down stairs. In particular, I used the stairs in my home, but I have often expanded it to include all stairs everywhere. You might choose something like brushing your teeth, starting your car, walking in or out of your front door, or anything else. The key is that it should be something you do at least a few times every day. Now make the mental commitment right now that whenever you do that one activity, you will make an extra effort to pay attention to everything you feel, see, taste, touch, smell during that activity. Make the commitment to be more aware during the activity. Now every time you do it, from the moment the activity starts to the moment it is done, you are doing a conscious exercise, you are putting in effort. You are practicing mindfulness. As I said, I really like to use the activity of going up and down stairs because I live in an upstairs room, so I traverse stairs all the time. You might choose a specific hallway in your home. One of the beautiful things about using a passageway as your first mindfulness training ground is you can cross the passage at whatever speed you need to cross it. If you have the time and interest, you can move ultra slow and soak in each step. If you are in a hurry, you can move fast, but still make sure you put that little extra effort to pay attention during the few seconds you are in the passageway. You may be tempted to choose a bunch of activities to use as mindfulness training triggers, but I urge you to be cautious and build slowly. See if you can go a week with practicing mindfulness 100% of the time you do one activity. If you can’t do that, then don’t start adding other activities yet. Instead, try and to understand why you sometimes miss it sometimes. Why do you sometimes forget to be mindful? Sometimes I anticipate walking up the stairs (add comma) and so I begin paying more attention before I get there. Sometimes I remember to be mindful right as I reach the end of the stairs. When that happens, I simply begin paying attention and hold that for a few moments as I walk away from the staircase. It doesn’t matter as much that I missed the exact moments while I was on the stairs, as long as I do a rep take a moment for of practicing mindfulness. Each time I do it, it is an exercise and it benefits me. Of course, this is your practice. When you feel ready, you can add additional mindful training triggers. You can practice whenever you want. You can change your triggers if one seems less useful for some reason. For myself, I find it very helpful to have a couple of activities that are my rock, my foundational mindfulness training triggers. Then I give myself permission to practice any additional times I want, but when it comes to those foundational activities, I try to never miss a practice session. That’s it. That’s how you practice mindfulness. Why not pick an activity right now and go practice at least once? Then come back when you are ready for more. More Tips For Changing Routines Practicing mindfulness every time you do a routine activity is a change. You are attempting to change how you use the neurons in your brain while you engage in a very familiar activity. This is not easy to do. Our body and mind enjoys routines like a wooden wagon wheel enjoys a deep rut in the road. For this reason, you might need a few additional tools to help you elevate out of your familiar patterns. Here are some things you can do to help yourself change a routine: 1. Write down your intention. The simple act of writing down your intention is a way of instructing your mind to change. Just grab a piece of paper or journal and write down what you will do. 2. Write down your intention and make it visible for yourself. For example, write “Be mindful when walking the stairs” on a post it note and tape it to your mirror, or by your bed, or at the top and bottom of your home staircase. 3. Tell someone your intention. Tell a friend or a fellow meditator or simply announce it on social media. Announcing a goal is a great way to instruct yourself to do a new behavior. 4. Track your performance. Grab a calendar and make a mark on it that grades how well you did with your intention to practice mindfulness the day before. For example, estimate what percent of the time you walked the stairs you practiced mindfulness and then shade in a circle that approximate amount. This will help you see how your practice is going over time and give you a gentle visual reminder of your intention. All these tips work equally well to help you achieve any goal. Feel free to use them to help yourself practice meditation or any other daily change you want to make every day or any other daily change you want to make. Mindful Action We’ve talked about meditation and mindfulness, but what then do I mean by the phrase “mindful action?” Mindful action is simply action we take while practicing mindfulness. The more we practice meditation and mindfulness, the easier it becomes to practice mindfulness in the middle of absolutely any activity, thus making mindful action an option for us at any time. A key to having access to mindful action is to remember that we are always in control. We don’t have to move from one moment to the next in the exact way our body and mind wants to move. We don’t have to respond to a question, comment, or wise crack the way our instincts instruct us to respond. We don’t have to respond to any event the same way we have responded to similar events throughout our life. To act mindfully is to remember we always have options- and then once in a while, to choose to act differently because it will better lead us where we wish to go. Often when we are engaged in activity that isn’t going exactly how we want, we are filled with challenging emotions. Emotional energy can often make it more difficult to see options clearly, so it is good to train yourself to at least always remember the option to pause. At any time, before any action, we can pause, freeze in place just like when we paused to hold our eyes on a single word in this book. While we pause, we breathe and pay attention, we let go of any urgency to act quickly, and then we strive to skillfully choose our next action. Learning to pause is incredibly powerful. If you have ever learned to ski or ice skate, if you master the ability to stop at any time, then you will find the activity suddenly loses a lot of its challenge. Even while skiing down extremely steep slopes, if you know how to halt, then you don’t have to fear racing down the slope out of control. You can simply move a bit and halt, move a bit and halt, until you get to a portion of the slope where it is comfortable to glide without stopping. Likewise, you can integrate little mindful pauses into any challenging or stressful activity to allow yourself to gather your wits and find your center. We will explore many more examples of mindful action in later chapters. ________________ Chapter 7: Cleaning The Garage/ The Impact of a Meditation Practice To feel the impact from of a meditation practice, you must practice regularly, preferably every day at least for a few minutes. Remember, meditation is a type of exercise analogous to stretching or lifting weights. Just as your physical body won’t change much without a steady continuous physical practice, your mind doesn’t change much without a steady continuous effort. In fact, your mind and consciousness may be more resistant to change then than your physical muscles and tendons, so growing your consciousness may require a bit more effort than your external exercise routines. If you wanted to get stronger in your arms and chest doing pushups, then what is more effective: a bunch of pushups one day a week or a solid set of pushups every day of the week? Obviously, a little bit every day is far more impactful. A little practice every day will lead for provide much bigger and faster results when it comes to both our conscious capacities and our bodily muscles. Facing Obstacles to Practice Pay careful attention to meditation obstacles and barriers. For example, you may find after meditating for a while, you simply open your eyes and start moving about, ending your current sit. You might rationalize this event as you “feeling like your sit needed to end at that point.” I encourage you to not make a habit of so easily defining your meditation experience. When you are sitting and you feel a strong impulse to just stop, open your eyes, stretch, or start doing something else, see if you can keep still just a bit longer. It is best to stop meditating with a conscious choice rather than as an automatic response to some strong impulse. In those moments where you feel a strong urge to stop, what is happening is that you are bumping up against something, some type of resistance, some type of impulse, (delete comma) that is trying to force you to change what you are doing. These moments are enormous opportunities for learning and growth (add comma) so don’t simply give into in to (needs to be two words as used here) their pressure without any effort. Think of the impulse to stop meditating like an opposing player in a sport who is trying to block your way or move you to the side. If you are going to play the game, don’t play it with weakness and fear. Rather, when something attempts to force you one way or the other, turn and see if you can at least look at this force a little more directly. Try to see it more clearly. You don’t have to defeat it, but you may learn something extraordinary if you simply make a little effort to understand it better. So next time you struggle to meditate or you struggle to sustain your meditation practice for the time you set as your goal, encourage yourself to learn from those moments of struggle. These moments are sacred and often wonderful opportunities for growth and personal breakthrough. Learning Mindfulness from Stillness If you sit still and follow the simple meditation instructions in the previous chapters for at least twenty minutes every day, then your consciousness will begin to be affected by the stillness. A regular meditation practice will help to settle your mind and you will eventually, with enough practice, begin to notice the thoughts and ideas of your mind slow down and settle like mud settling in turbid water. As the mud of your mind settles, the water will become more and more clear. At first, you will likely notice the differences in your mind mainly when you sit to meditate, but if you pay attention, you will likely also notice it at times during the regular course of your day. If you establish a reliable meditation routine, you may will begin to enjoy your meditation sits. You may will begin to look forward to meditating as you might a regular workout. Be cautious not to not become attached to meditation being enjoyable. If it becomes too easy, you may not be exerting the most skillful effort. In fact, you may be creating a meditation practice rut (add comma) which can be as stagnant as any other rut in our your life. Meditation is exercise. Sometimes it will be enjoyable and sometimes not- just like playing an intense physical sport. Just keep doing it because you know it is good for you- and know it won’t always be fun, because fun is not its purpose. The more you meditate, the more the mucky waters of your mind will clear. Occasionally, you will probably begin to notice some large obtrusive objects in the ocean of your mind that don’t fall away easily. These stubborn obstructions may be thoughts, memories, worries, images, or something else, but whatever it is they are, it lingers and weighs they linger and weigh heavy heavily on your consciousness during your sit. If we return to our tea party with Stillness metaphor, these obtrusive objects are like a person that who sits quietly at the table without speaking, yet whose presence is felt by everyone like an elephant in the room. Sometimes these “big things,” these elephants of our consciousness, will be very familiar for they may have been bobbing about in your mind repeatedly for a long time- such as a worry about some future event. At other times the boulders thoughts (don’t switch metaphors mid-work) may surprise you and feel more like discovering a long forgotten photograph in the corner of your mind’s attic.[6] If you diligently continue your practice, you will find that the mucky waters of your mind can become at times crystal clear and the sunlight of your attention will shine through the waters illuminating the details, textures, and intricacies of these large obscuring boulders of thoughts, memories, and emotions that stubbornly linger in your consciousness. You may begin to see that you can reach out and examine these boulders during your practice in a way you can’t when your mind’s waters are churning away during your normal waking life. You may find you can touch and explore them even if they are scary or disturbing. Feel free to do this. Feel free and safe to contemplate whatever arises while meditating. Meditation is a safe and quiet time to examine whatever is in your consciousness. The key is simply to be patient and gentle as you approach and explore whatever arises.[7] A Word of Caution There is a reason these things in our minds grow to become large powerful immovable objects: they are important and often a fount of enormous stores of emotional energy. In fact, nudging your attention towards one of these can feel a bit like poking a hornet’s nest, or opening an emotional can of worms, so it may be best to generally move with gentle patient caution. While sitting, if at anytime you feel overwhelmed by what is arising, be gentle with yourself. You don’t have to push yourself. In fact, skillful effort does not mean constant difficulty. If you are overwhelmed with emotion or feeling and you feel you are being carried away by it, then it might be a good time to gently bring your attention back to your body or your breath. Remember, meditation is a time for you to visit with Stillness. Once an emotion or feeling has lifted your being and is carrying it around,(awkward wording here – revise) you are probably no longer visiting with Stillness. You don’t want to get up from the table and run off with any of the other party crashers. Meditation is time with Stillness. The party crashers can participate, but do not allow them to take over. This is your party, your time, your rules- and with practice you’ll find you have the power to enforce these expectations without undo force. Moving Mountains in Your Mind Eventually, you will see that sitting in alert stillness helps you deal with the boulders obscuring your mind. Sometimes the boulders will simply fall away seemingly on their own, their significance simply evaporating once the waters of your mind become still. Sometimes, you will find the mucky obstacles occupying your consciousness during meditation melt away simply as a result of you touching them gently with your direct loving attention. Other times, you may find that these boulders don’t move easily, and you must grasp them, and make a decision about what to do with them- a decision which is in fact an action in your external life. An action that might move a mind boulder could be that you need to end (or begin) a relationship of some sort. It may be that you need to seek or quit a job. It may be that you need to move or clean your house. Or maybe you need to start eating better or exercising more. Or perhaps you need to have a specific conversation with someone. It could be anything, big or small. One of my greatest revelations has been realizing that my mind already knows almost everything I need to know- and I think this is true for most of us. We already know most of the things we need to do to change our life lives the way we want it to change, to help us be happier. Sometimes, we go around asking for advice, yet what we are really doing is merely asking people the same question until someone gives us the correct answer- an answer we will recognize because in truth a part of our mind already knew the answer to begin with. This is not to say talking with other people is not a valuable part of your process. Talking to people will help you better understand your reality and is essential for nurturing healthy relationships. I am merely emphasizing that no one you talk to will ever understand your emotions, feelings, and personal journey as well as you. Our minds are all unique and we all have our own personal (add comma) mystically beautiful landscape within the flowing currents of our consciousness. Let meditation reveal the obtrusive mind boulders you are carrying around with you and help you see them clearly and thus see what you need to do with them- if anything. Have You Moved Mountains Yet? Have you experienced any of what I describe above in your meditation practice yet? If so, great! Keep practicing. If not, meditate more. Perhaps meditate for longer periods of time. Perhaps meditate multiple times a day. Maybe give some meditation retreats a try.[8] Maybe you need to work a bit with a skillful meditation teacher to help you figure out what is happening in your unique process. Some minds (and some lives) have more muck and frothy waves than others. Some of us have much more dramatic and challenging boulders obscuring our vision. The frothier your mind and busier your life the more challenging it will be for you to complete even one single week of meditation- but you can do it! If you want help with beginning a meditation practice, then you might find others who meditate and talk to them. If you do a little investigation and research, you will likely find some different meditation practice groups in your area. Why not take a chance and drop in on one? If you are looking for more ideas and resources, feel free to visit my website, http://mattready.org for more information. Another resource I highly recommend is http://skillfulmeditation.org and the teachings of Jason Siff. Meditation and mindfulness are amazing, exciting, challenging, emotional, and powerful practices to explore and you don’t have to explore them alone. There are many people like myself who would love to offer our hand to help you navigate these waters safely and prosperously. In my experience, people who practice meditation and mindfulness tend to enjoy helping others learn about it. Mindfulness can help you transform your life from what it is to what you want it to be. I didn’t say it would be easy- it is not. Yet, it is doable if you try. Remember, the only being in the cosmos who can control how much effort you put into trying anything is you. The good news is the reward, if you make a healthy effort, is happiness and a healthy flourishing life. Isn’t that worth a solid try? Are You Stuck? Do you have a regular meditation practice but you feel like nothing more is being gained? You might be right. You may be stagnating in your meditation and mindfulness growth. Then again you may be wrong. The only person who can really assess the situation is you, though you are always welcome to seek counsel from a meditation teacher or fellow practitioner. If you decide you are stuck, here are some suggestions for getting unstuck: 1. What are you most afraid of happening to you in the future? Contemplate that question while you meditate. 2. What people do you love most in the world? Meditate while thinking of those people. 3. What people do you least want to ever see again in your life? Meditate upon those people. Ask yourself, why are you so against these people? 4. What are you most afraid of? Tip toe close to that a few times during a meditation sit. 5. Practice walking meditation. 6. Meditate while listening to music. 7. Meditate longer. 8. Meditate more often. Perhaps try a few ten to fifteen minute meditation sits scattered throughout your day. 9. Stop being so impatient with yourself. It is working just fine. Try to see why you are unsatisfied with your practice. Look at that dissatisfaction. See through it. What is behind it? What are you looking for? Contemplate these questions while you meditate. The revelations you will unleash through a meditation practice can come from surprising places. In fact, they will often come from surprising corners of your consciousness that you thought held nothing interesting. You may also find that your biggest revelations jump out of your consciousness in the hour after you meditate. As I mentioned earlier, for me it often seems to be often in the shower about 15 minutes after meditating that I have a revelation and see a huge life action I need to take to subtlety shift my path. Meditation is not only about your experience while sitting, it is about your consciousness throughout your daily life. Pay attention to this. ________________ Reflection 2 It’s time for another moment of reflection! Right now, reflect upon your life, and rate how happy and fulfilling your life is, with zero being totally unhappy and unfulfilling and 10 being the most amazing life you can imagine. Write down your answer in a journal or mark it on this scale. Also write a few sentences explaining the score you chose. Save this score and explanation. You will need it later. 🡨---------------------------------------------------------------🡪 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ________________ Chapter 8: Hard Work Leads to Positive Results Will establishing a daily meditation practice automatically lead you to happiness? No. Not on its own. But it can serve as an amazing foundational practice for a person seeking a happy (add comma) healthy life. If you are willing to put some effort into finding your path to happiness, you probably can list five things off the top of your head that you know you could do to help with that effort. For example, you could improve your diet. Perhaps you could get more exercise perhaps. You could watch a bit less TV or spend less time surfing the Internet. You could be more present with your friends and family. You could re-examine your life goals or work a bit more consistently on some of the goals you have set for yourself. Many of these might apply to you, or you may be able to think of several others. I hope by now you agree that one item to add to that list of things you could do that you know will help improve your life is: that you could meditate every day at least twenty minutes. If you struggle to do all the simple things that you already know will significantly improve your life, then you are struggling with self-control and self-discipline. That’s ok. That is That’s life. We all struggle with self-control and self-discipline. We all struggle to guide our daily life lives using our true center- rather than being pushed and pulled along by forces beyond our control, forces inside and outside our bodies. If you want to do one thing that will dramatically impact the playing field in which you struggle versus the forces that push you away from happiness, then I recommend with every ounce of my being that you simply begin a daily meditation practice. Don’t try to change everything in your life overnight. That is too much. Instead, start with just one thing that you can build upon, one activity that will help you build self-control and self-awareness. In my experience, nothing serves this role better than a meditation practice. … Here is another action that will help you find your way to greater happiness: Embrace honesty. Be as honest as possible with yourself. There are times in life when it is skillful (This does not seem to be the best word choice here.) to be less than totally honest and transparent with other people. But being dishonest with yourself about what you feel, what you think, what you see, is absolutely never healthy. How honest are you with yourself? For example, have you been honestly working your way through this book? Let’s find out. Every so often, this book has asked you to reflect on your personal level of happiness using what I am calling “Reflection Questions.” Have you been answering the reflection questions as you worked your way through this book? Be honest now… Have you been taking a moment to judge your personal state of happiness on a scale from 1 to 10? Have you also been following the instruction to write down a few sentences to explain the score? If you have been doing this, then you should have two scores and two short paragraphs from each of the reflection exercises. Do you? Once again, please skip to the section that matches your answer: Yes, I honestly completed all the reflection exercises and I have my scores and answers. If you have completed each exercise as they came up in this book, then take a moment right now to look at them. Look at the two scores. Say each one out loud right now and also read the few sentences you wrote with each score out loud. Do this a couple times if you need to until you are certain that your full consciousness has heard your answers. There is a special power in saying something out loud, so I ask you to trust me in this moment, and follow these simple instructions. After that, skip to the reflection question #3 and continue. No, I did not honestly do the reflection exercises and I do not know what my scores and answers would have been. If you chose to not score the happiness level of your life each time I asked you to during this book, then why not? What stopped you? If you want to be happy, if you want to live a flourishing joyful life, then your choice to avoid doing these exercises is very important! Something stopped you. Something pushed you to skip those exercises. If you want to be happy, really happy, then you have an enormous opportunity right now to understand something about your journey toward that goal- (delete dash) by understanding why you did not answer the reflection questions. Stop right now, meditate and contemplate this for at least ten minutes. Why did you skip answering the reflection questions? When you are done, write down your answer. After that, come back and answer the following reflection question right now. Finding Your Path To Happiness The first step in finding your way somewhere is to see where you are. You need to know where you stand in relationship to where you want to go. If you are on a hike and you are thirsty, and you know the perfect place to get some water, the next step is simple: navigation. On the other hand, if you are on a hike and thirsty and don’t know where any water is located, then you need to focus on a different question. You need to contemplate, where might water be located? You don’t want to just start navigating towards some distant goal if you don’t have much reason so to believe you will find water there. This may seem like common sense, but this type of rational thinking is remarkably uncommon. Where are you in comparison to where you want to be in life? (This is a great question!) If you don’t know this relationship, then you will struggle to figure out a single move. When it comes to finding greater happiness, meditation can help you find your way. It can help you figure out what you want in life. It can help you appreciate what you already have. It can help you figure out where to focus your effort for greater progress. It can help you recover and learn from your missteps. It can help you sustain your gains. It can help you realize what really matters in life. It can help you let go of wanting things that you need to let go of. Yet, it cannot do any of these things, (delete comma) if you are not honest with yourself. Are you happy? Is your life as you wish it to be? Don’t shirk these questions. Don’t be afraid of your honest answers. The first step towards liberation from any and all problems is to honestly see your situation. Don’t be afraid of honesty, (delete comma) because if you don’t have honesty with yourself, you can never have it with another person. Yet, Honesty is the greatest ally you will ever have. If you can find the courage to be honest, relentlessly honest, you will find greater peace, clarity, and power. No matter what your situation, there is always a gloriously rewarding path forward if you simply open your eyes enough to see it. (You need to add a sentence or two reminding the reader to write about this reflection question.) ________________ Chapter 9: Flowing with Change and Growth If you commit to a regular meditation routine and commit yourself to working to learn the lessons that meditation and mindfulness can teach you, then your life journey will change. As your conscious mind clears, as the muck and mud begins to fall away more and more easily during your sits, you will naturally begin to see and yearn to see yourself and your world more clearly. Every time a portion of the foggy water of your mind becomes clear, you will feel an awakening, a fresh alertness and energy, which will naturally inspire you to see further. Every time you successfully take action to address an object obscuring your consciousness, you will feel invigorated and excited to unlock new revelations and journey forth ever more boldly. Establishing a daily meditation exercise routine in your life is analogous to establishing a regular physical exercise routine. If you have not exercised in a long time, then exercise is very hard as it is stimulating painful new growth of strength and flexibility. Yet, However, after doing it for a few weeks, your body adjusts, the exercise becomes easier, your muscles and tendons adapt and no longer struggle to participate. Then, eventually, you may enter what trainers sometimes call a training plateau: where you cease to make significant progress, cease to build greater strength or flexibility, despite continued regular practice. When you reach this plateau in your meditation practice, it will take careful honest attention to move past it. Meditation is a tool for a healthy life. If you are not growing, learning, expanding, and evolving (and you are not laying in a casket dead) then you have something to work on. What are you doing with your life? Where are you going? Why do you do the things you do? What do you value? What do you care about most in this world? What actions might you take to make the world more beautiful? Do you feel these questions calling to your very core for an answer? If not, why not? What is blocking them? What seems more important to you and why? If you have gotten this far in this book, then you should have at least twenty minutes every day carved away from your other activities and dedicated to stillness. In those twenty minutes, you are generously feeding your inner most precious self. In those twenty minutes, you are giving the seed that is your true self the space and time it needs to try and see its path to greater growth and happiness. If daily meditation practice is not helping you with healthy personal growth, then why not? What else are you doing during your day that is blocking growth and change? Only you can answer this. Only you can decide what you need to do to make progress, to find your way. Ask yourself what is happening and answer with as much honesty as you can muster. A healthy honest meditation practice will continuously melt away the junk and garbage that tends to dominate our moment-to-moment life. Continued healthy practice eventually burns away all the flotsam, leaving us with the raw bare essentials that are us: Who we are, what we want, and why we live. [9] If the answers to these fundamental questions are in doubt for us, then these topics may reveal themselves as momentous critical objects in our mind sea that we need to explore, that we need to understand more deeply. If these essential questions arise, then that is good. Examine them gently and with curiosity. Let the calm patient glowing sunlight of your attention shine on these topics as you meditate. Why do you live? What do you seek? Why are you living the life you are living? Why do you do the things you do? Are you happy? Have these questions come up in any way for you? If not, then you’re path simply hasn’t reached this point yet. That’s ok. Work with whatever is coming up- because that is where you are and what you need to do. You may have several unique challenges in your consciousness to work through before you reach those river banks. You may have pain and trauma that needs to heal. You may have powerful inner forces like anxiety and fear that you need to work with more. You can only be where you are and face the challenges that are before you right now. On the other hand, if these big fundamental questions are coming up for you, is it easy for you to consider them? Is it easy for you to ask honestly, “Am I happy?” Often, the most challenging boulders obscuring our vision in the sea of our minds remain obscure and mucky, because we simply don’t enjoy looking at them too closely. Our obstacles are often the problems and realities we least want to face. They sit in our consciousness like the corner of the garage we throw everything into and refuse to ever organize and clean up. We may even be haunted by the thought of attempting to enter that area! The very thought of facing such obstacles may make your heart race in terror. For example, if you are not as happy in your life as you truly want, then you might not want to admit that to yourself. A part of you might already know you are unhappy because you are in an unhealthy relationship and are afraid to deal with this. Or you may know you hate your job and are afraid to consider doing something about that. Or perhaps you know you don’t exercise or eat in a healthy manner and don’t want to think about that. Or maybe you are lonely and yearn for more time with good friends. These are all very normal ways to feel. Now let your meditation practice help you face your reality with clarity and calm (add comma) honest attention. Remember, what I said about meditation being an internal art form as difficult to practice as the most challenging physical sport you can imagine? If this work was easy, then it wouldn’t be worth doing (add comma) and it wouldn’t be powerful and transformative. Honestly facing the contents of our consciousness can be the hardest work we ever do in our life- (omit dash) and this is the work of meditation. These internal workouts can be challenging and exhausting- but it is also the most valuable work you will ever do for yourself. For once you see an area where you need attention in order to thrive, you can begin focusing your attention there. If you refuse to bring a problem to light, then you will struggle to ever solve it. But if you simply shine the light of your attention on it, sometimes you will make breakthroughs. We humans spend a lot of time asking others to give us answers we already know. If we take the time to listen to our own minds, face the dark painful blind spots in our memories, our feelings, and our life, then we can begin to unlock our inner knowledge and wisdom. Moreover, this process will help us see the true mysteries of our life, those things we truly do need others to help us understand. Then you can use your conversation time with other people on the really juicy stuff. Through meditation you will find a process that helps you safely learn to face and work with your problems, challenges, and pains head on, with honesty, patience, compassion, and love. Every time you heal yourself through this work, you learn more about how such healing works. The better you get at doing this work for yourself, the better you will get at supporting others to do the same. You’ve only got so much effort to expend in life, so spend it wisely and spend it where it will have the most positive impact. You only have one mind, one consciousness. Why allow it to be in chaos and disarray? Reach into the depths of your soul and find your courage to do this hard work of meditation every day for a few minutes. Then, when the time is right, face those corners of the garage where all your garbage sits festering. Don’t be afraid. Trust yourself. Trust honesty. Honesty is your friend. Honesty with yourself is always safer than dishonesty with yourself. Remember, when you are meditating, you can ask and explore any question safely. Also remember, you don’t have to tell anyone what you are thinking about. You don’t have to tell anyone what questions are dominating your consciousness. You don’t have to tell anyone right away if you realize you want to make a major transformational life change. Keep the treasures you begin to unveil through meditation to yourself until you are ready to share them. You may have people in your life who will attack and judge your revelations, so know you don’t have to open them to such attack ever- or at least until you are absolutely certain it is the time. Yet, you owe it to yourself to ask the questions you need to ask as honestly as you can. Revelations about your life (note moved phrase) that unfurl through meditation about your life can be exciting and energizing as well as terrifying and painful. Sometimes they will be all these things simultaneously. Healthy growth and evolution is both energetic and painful at times. If you are experiencing any growing pains, then you might think of yourself like an apple tree that is experiencing some healthy pruning. Parts of you have been dead and stagnant. Parts of you may need to be trimmed away. And other parts of you may be ripping open in order to sprout new growth in unexpected and exciting areas. This is all part of a healthy conscious process. Trust it. It’s the only way for your tree to fully flourish and bloom. And remember, there are people who you can talk to as you experience this transformation including myself, other meditation practitioners, and meditation teachers! Reach out and get support when you need it. What If I Have My Life All Figured Out Already? Some readers may believe the big questions don’t resonate for them, (delete comma) because they already have clear answers to all the major fundamental questions of life. You may know the meaning and purpose of your life. You may already know with crystal clarity what you want and need to live a happy flourishing life. If this is true, then meditation can serve as an amazing tool to help support your navigation towards your dreams. Yet, , but strive to be ever mindful of your answers to life’s biggest questions. (connect these last two sentences) A philosophy professor once said to in one of my classes in college that the reason our minds stagnate is because they stop questioning. It is a wonderful thing to believe you have a big question answered, but it is also a dangerous thing for it may stop you from being open minded in some areas. Life is a subtle ever-changing mystery. Just because you have lived one way for a very long time and just because you have defined your life’s meaning one way for a very long time, doesn’t mean you have to continue that same way forever. You are always free to contemplate change. You are always free to contemplate a new direction. If you don’t give yourself permission to look around at the possibilities that surround you, then you may be shielding your eyes from seeing some amazing opportunities. ________________ Chapter 10: The Skills and Aptitudes of Meditation and Mindfulness The most fundamental essence of meditation and mindfulness is gentle wisdom. No matter what you encounter in your meditation journey, and life journey for that matter, to act mindfully is to utilize the power of gentle wisdom in how you handle it. Do not rush. Do not toss things aside. Do not yell at yourself. Do not judge yourself. Remember you are both the child and you are the loving parent. Love and forgive yourself as you struggle to understand and see. Do not rush to judgment as to the best way to move a boulder- (use comma instead of dash) and do not get angry with yourself when you ignore this guidance and find yourself rushing shamelessly to judgment. Smile. Hug. Laugh. Write about what you experience. You the child will make mistakes on your journey. You the loving parent will love and forgive yourself for each misstep just as you celebrate each success. A healthy meditation practice will naturally challenge you to develop certain skills and aptitudes that are extraordinarily useful and powerful in every area of living. In later chapters we will expand upon how you might apply these powerful tools to all sorts of areas of your life, but for now, let’s gain a basic appreciation for some of them. Patience Meditation inherently teaches us to build our capacity for patience. How else but with patience can one stay awake, silent and still for 20- 45 minutes at a time? Embrace this training to wait, for your capacity for patience is enormously valuable. Learn to wait without frustration, anger, or resentment. (I think adding “anxiety” would be good here.) You cannot make the mud of your mind settle much more quickly than it will. You cannot make those dark confusing areas in your mind illuminate any faster than the sunlight of your attention can burn away the obscuring muck. Yet, if you are willing to wait, your patience will settle all the mud and your attention will eventually alight everything with crystal clarity. Your will and your attention are like a steady drip of water. Don’t be frustrated that it does not gush. Revel in the fact that the relentless drip has the power to carve canyons- (delete dash) because time is on your side if you just choose to embrace it. Twenty minutes of stillness every morning for seven days will begin to carve a canyon of clarity in your consciousness. More will do more. Patience is powerful. Sometimes the key to overcoming an obstacle is simply to wait. Wait long enough, and sometimes the currents of life wash the obstacle away without any direct pressure from you beyond your mere attention. Forgiveness If you are not going to yell or scorn yourself for something you do or do not do, or something you see or feel during a meditation session, then what do you do instead? If you are watching your children struggle to learn a new sport (add comma) and you are not going to yell at them when they mess up, what do you do instead? You praise them. You forgive them when they mess up. You encourage them to try again and to learn. This is the same thing to do with yourself in your meditation practice. (Either use the plural “children” of change the plural “they/them” to singular.) Everything imaginable, both beautiful and dark, glorious and shameful, will arise during meditation. Do not greet the shameful with violent abhorrence and do not greet the beautiful with grasping arms. Greet every visitor like a knock upon the door of your home. Open the door, say hello, and try to give the visitor a warm and welcoming hug. You don’t need to invite the visitor in to live with you, but do not slam the door in its face either. Practice tolerance, love, and forgiveness. Forgive your meditation visitors for their flaws and abrasive tendencies. This too is a challenging lesson to embrace, but enormously rewarding. Strive to love and forgive whatever comes up during meditation. This aptitude (add comma) like patience, when mastered, (delete comma) is like a super power. This aptitude is also a close cousin to the next aptitude: Letting Go. Letting Go Sometimes things will come up in meditation that a part of you craves but eventually, through your gentle exploration of this thing, you realize you don’t truly want it. Then, after you realize you do not want something, you realize you can and must choose to let go of it. Then, you try to let it go-which you may discover is not at all easy. So you practice again and again until you learn how to let go. Letting go is not easy. Yet, , but letting go is another enormously powerful capacity to practice and build. (Make this into one sentence) For example, you may carry with you a deep seated dream of having vast wealth or being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want one with you (like Scarlett Johansson or Brad Pitt). Or perhaps you really wanted a promotion that was given to someone else? Or perhaps you made some sort of miscalculation in your life that caused you or someone you love pain- (delete dash and add comma) and now you continue to dwell upon this as a powerful regret? Whatever it is, meditation will empower you to shine the light of your attention on this thing, examine it, turn it around, and to gently and safely explore it. Then finally, ultimately, after you have adequately shined the sunlight of your attention on it, you will realize you can let it go, let it tumble to the sea floor with the other muck, allowing you to see more clearly and move on. And so you will do this. You will learn to let go of things you once grasped onto with all your emotional might like a toddler clinging to a security blanket. As you practice letting go, sometimes you will amaze yourself by letting go of something you thought you would never in your life part ways with. I remember the day I completely let go of my need for broadcast television in my home. I never thought such a day would come, yet when it did, it was utterly easy and painless. I remember the day I let go of my need to eat whenever I was hungry. Again, this was done with a calm self-awareness that was at once challenging but also incredibly liberating and invigorating. That too was a day I never thought would come for me. Both days came because I’ve learned how to let go of attachment to hungers that are not central to my life purpose. The only hunger that truly matters is our hunger for happiness. Let that be your only barometer. (The idea of letting go of eating when hungry can open a terrible can of worms for people with eating disorders. If you are going to keep this, then you should explain it more. A person’s purpose cannot be met if he or she starves to death.) The more you train your capacity to let go, the more easily you will realize you can let go of virtually anything except those things that truly live at the core of your purpose in life. You will grow an aptitude for easily letting go of things you want or are fixated upon go. (I know it is terrible to end a sentence with a preposition, but in this instance it is less awkward than the original.) Nurture this aptitude for not only will it transform how you live your life, it is another invaluable tool in applying mindfulness to our interpersonal and political lives as we shall discuss in later sections. Curiosity The second to last aptitude developed through meditation that I wish to illuminate briefly is curiosity. To sit still and awake for twenty minutes or more on a daily basis, you will need to begin to find your meditation experiences interesting- (delete dash and use comma) otherwise it will be torturously boring. Meditation practice can help you expand your capacity for curiosity as you begin to learn that every moment has something special to share. In fact, every moment is a gateway to a universe of interesting and powerful things. We simply learn to forget this fact as we age. When we emerge from our mother’s womb into this world, we are not bored - far from it! At the moment of our birth, we are overwhelmed and flooded with stimulation. When we are young, when we are beginners, the universe is a fascinating moment-to-moment adventure. It is only as we age and learn to suppress this fascination that we discover boredom. Boredom is a tiresome visitor most adults know very well. Boredom is like a really annoying cousin, yet, (delete comma) like an annoying cousin, if you examine the reality of boredom with open curious eyes, you will suddenly find it both complex and fascinating. Curiosity is the friend that makes your cousin Boredom tolerable to be around. Through honest examination, you may not fall in love with your dear cousin Boredom, but with a little right effort you will gain renewed appreciation for him. Try it sometime. See what happens. If you feel bored while meditating, ask yourself, “What exactly am I feeling?” If you feel an urgent impulse to move or go do something, take a moment to gaze gently upon the true nature of that urgent impulse. What exactly are you dissatisfied with in this moment that you must move? What is missing in this moment that you will find if you rush off in the direction your impulses are pushing you? If you consider this question honestly and thoughtfully, you may realize that giving in to your impulse, will not suddenly reward provide you with the rich rewards the impulse is promising. You may realize that staying right where you are is at least as rewarding if not superior to any experience your impulse might be driving you towards. In short, with a little honest attention to your boredom and your impulses to treat it, you may see that there is nowhere you need to rush off to. You are free to sit still as long as you choose. You are also free to act, but only if you choose to act. You are not free to act, (delete comma) if your actions are compelled by impulses and suffering. If you act in response to impulses and suffering, then you are being coerced, you are acting under duress.[10] Let curiosity help you quell the suffering of boredom. Let curiosity with discomfort soothe your urgent impulses to move, to stop meditating. With practice, you will find curiosity to be another potent ally on your journey, helping you remain free to pick and choose your path toward thriving happiness. The Most Important Capacity: Honesty The most important foundation for the success of everything you do in life, (delete comma) whether it is meditation, love, work, or any other worthy endeavor is honesty. You can ask yourself the most important questions of your life. You can look squarely upon the most important problems of your world. But if you do all these things without a genuine desire to face the truth, no matter how painful or unpleasant, you will fail. Honesty is the most basic capacity a meditation practice works (add comma) and it is the most challenging. Facing the truth is always difficult, no matter how long you live or how dedicated you are to a daily meditation practice. Yet, every time you break through the fog of distraction and overcome your own nefarious capacity for self-delusion, you will gain in strength, confidence, and clarity. If Boredom is a really annoying cousin, Honesty is your best friend who is constantly attempting an intervention in your life- (delete dash) while you irrationally fight or ignore it. Sometimes you may even convince yourself that Honesty doesn’t have your best interests in mind or that Honesty doesn’t understand you, but these are merely clever tricks of our mind. Honesty is always your friend. Honesty is always merely trying to help you see more clearly. Do not turn away from it. Listen to it with gentle patience. Honesty takes work, but luckily you know how to develop it. Meditate every day. Meditation nurtures honesty because it is very hard to sit still and meditate on a regular basis while also feeding yourself delusions about your life. (It can be done, but it is very awkward.) When sitting in stillness, the truth bathes you like the sun bathing you in warm light. Imagine sitting outside while the sun is rising right in front of you. Could you sit every day before a glorious sunrise and ignore the warmth, light, and beauty of the sun? Sure you could with a lot of effort, but the sun will continue to cascade its light and heat upon you with relentless determination. The sun will call to you with its beauty and energy. The more you sit, the brighter and hotter the sun of truth becomes for you. Every time you sit, you are giving the truth a chance to burn through any fog that lay between you and it. So sit every day and nurture your capacity for honesty. Love If honesty is the most fundamental capacity exercised during meditation, then love is the most fundamental action embodied in meditation. To pay attention is to love. Just as the child craves the attention of the parent as proof of love, giving something ones attention is an act of love. When you meditate, you are giving yourself, your true self, your true reality, your full attention. If you do not love yourself, if you do not pay attention to yourself, why would you expect anyone else to do so? If you want others to love you, then start loving yourself. Pay attention and love your inner world with as much energy as you do anything in this world and you will find the reward unfold in countless unexpected ways. The first step to opening your path to happiness, joy, and love is to become the loving parent of your own inner child- (delete dash) and that means you must pay attention even when it is difficult. Work to open yourself to be curious about what happens during your meditation. Allow yourself to wonder why some images and thought streams arise. Watch them like you might a Monday night movie. Why should you find a movie in a theatre more interesting and intriguing than your own moment-to-moment experience? Think about that for a moment! Why have so many of us convinced ourselves our inner lives are so unimportant and uninteresting when it is in fact the foundation of everything we know and do? Neglecting to pay attention and appreciate our inner life is like a parent neglecting to pay attention to their his or her child- (delete dash and use comma) with equally damaging consequences. Be open to what your mind may wish to show you. You don’t know everything. You don’t know what is important. You don’t know where the most important lessons of life might arise. You don’t even know where the most stimulating entertainment you could possibly imagine lives! It’s not on Youtube or in a book! The thing that you are searching for is with you right now- and you will learn to more easily recognize it if you pay attention. Watch. Be patient. Be open. Be curious. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. The universe in which you live is fascinating both inside and out. Every experience sent your way can teach you an important lesson. In my experience, the universe seems to keep sending the same lessons until you learn them fully. Recognizing and reveling in this truth will help transform your experiences from “good or bad,” “boring or exciting,” into a flow of continuous fascination, learning, and adventure- (delete dash and use comma) which is far from boring. ________________ Chapter 11: A Mindful Pursuit of Happiness I’ve spent time teaching meditation and mindfulness in a high security prison. As I was discussing mindful actions during one session, an inmate we shall call Bob boldly asked me, “How do you take mindful action if you are trying to feed your family and the only way you can do so is to sell drugs? How would you mindfully take action in that situation? Sometimes you have no choice.” Bob’s struggle to see a mindful (add comma) healthy path through the situation he is was describing is a perfect example of a common mental trap where we all often find ourselves within. When we feel trapped and forced to make a poor choice in life, we usually are not thinking with a calm (add comma) open mind. We say, “I have no choice.” Bullshit. Would Macgiver or James Bond say they had no choice in the same situation? What if you pretended you were writing a story (add comma) and you were making a list of possible actions by your character in this moment? Could you let go of your limited outlook for a moment and just think creatively? I came across a quote that beautifully sums up a healthy attitude towards decision making in life. It is from Swami Vivekananda, an Indian Hindu monk who died in 1902. He said: “Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life- think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success.” If you focus relentlessly on the happy life you seek, and you practice gazing forward with a patient open mind, you will see a multitude of pathways toward the summit. Don’t let your mind or other people limit your options. Meditation and mindfulness can help us develop a capacity to focus clearly on where we want to go in life and then to honestly assess all options we have to get there. There are always options if we simply open our eyes. When Bob asked his question, he was sitting chained to a heavy metal desk in a high security prison. Bob was still arguing, (delete comma) with me and with himself, (delete comma) that the risk he took selling drugs was a reasonable thing to do, despite any evidence to the contrary. Bob was describing a type of life rut, (delete comma) from which he didn’t see an easy escape. This is how we tend to see all our ruts. It is very common for people to feel trapped in a career due to the lifestyle that a person has been chosen. Yet ,and our lifestyle is indeed a choice. If you want to change directions, then you must be willing to adjust your lifestyle. Sometimes change requires sacrifice and hardship. Don’t lie to yourself saying change is impossible, when the truth is you are not honestly looking at your situation. Let your meditation practice help you stay honest with yourself. A simple question to ask yourself whenever you notice your mind make a declarative statement like, “That’s impossible,” or “I have no choice,” is “Is that true?” Simply ask yourself, “Is that true?” Then allow your mind to contemplate the question. You will usually find that black and white declarative statements are gross simplifications of a very complex situation. If you contemplate your circumstances while meditating, you will start to recognize nuances and relationships you didn’t notice before. Some of these will be minor, but some will prove themselves important. With a little patience and curious attention, you also will begin to notice options and pathways through the situation that you previously missed due to your gross assumptions. The reason we often fail to honestly and openly examine our situations is usually some combination of fear and laziness. It is not that our situation traps us, but rather our own resistance to breaking out of our rut traps us. We don’t want to go against the grain of what is familiar. We don’t want to begin taking actions that the people around us may find weird or upsetting. Yet, sometimes the skillful action is hard and sometimes it will upset some people. The people around you are probably as resistant to change as you are, so they may very well resist you changing yourself- (delete dash and add comma) even if it is none of their business. As I said before, living a happy (add comma) flourishing life is not easy. It takes courage and effort. Meditation and mindfulness ultimately are not about sitting still. Sitting to meditate is merely a part of the training you are giving to your consciousness. The true application of meditation and mindfulness is in your life path and your ability to make mindful choices. Meditation is akin to weightlifting in that meditation will build up your mindfulness “muscles,” yet it is not an end in itself. We lift weights to be stronger at other times in our life, during sports or simply during our daily activities. So too, we practice meditation so that we have mindfulness during our daily lives, especially at major moments of action and stress. Meditation practice can help us see ourselves at a fundamental level. I have a body. I have a mind. I have some wisdom. I have some intelligence. I have some unique abilities. I have some resources. What do I do with this life? Where do I go now during the time I have left? We sit before a universe of infinite possibilities. Possibilities wash over us like the warm light of a giant rising sun when we sit to meditate. Our task is to soak it all in and then make our choice. When meditation is over and you open your eyes and walk about your home, do you feel joy, peace, and inspiration? Do you feel wonder and excitement at the possibilities of the next hour, the next day, the next week? If not, why not? What is missing? What needs to change for you to feel excited about the gift of life once again? Are you living your life or are you merely existing in a comfortable rut? Do you really want to be in this rut? Is this rut safe? Is this rut sustainable? Could you shift it in some way that is better for you and or your loved ones? Can you break out of it? Could you break out of any ruts you are in for one day? What would it take for you to feel excited and incredibly happy about your day again? What would it take for you to know joy so thoroughly that you laugh endlessly until your stomach cramps up in pain? What would need to change in your world to make you feel truly alive? Imagine it. Let yourself contemplate it. Just try to honestly ask these questions once in a while. The life your desire is like a fiercely blazing fire in the center of your personal universe. It is like a massive star that calls to you every day of your life, yet it may be far away at this moment and appear simply like a pinprick (write as one word) in the sky. It is remarkably easy to lose sight of this goal as we allow our sky to be crowded with a million little tasks and activities that as we fill our days with. Many of the trivial concerns of your daily life seem bigger and more heated than you're the true goal, happiness, because we allow ourselves to be constantly distracted by them. Yet with meditation, we can take time each day to put our priorities in their correct order. Meditation helps us keep our eye on the ball and not be distracted by the yelling in the stands. [Insert picture of burning star in blue.] If it is hard to see your true-life purpose and goal, then use meditation to help you pick it out from the chaos all around you. With time and some effort, you will begin to see it more clearly. Once you see your true goal clearly, you will begin to recognize your opportunities to move closer to it. If we meditate upon the happiness we want in life, exciting creative pathways will emerge for how we might move closer to it. These pathways may be risky and scary, but also very exciting. Approach risky action with appropriate caution, but don’t be timid. (This seems like preaching – we get it already – it just seems too much.) Sometimes a step will seem like an impossible chasm to cross, yet if we approach it carefully, we begin to see small steps that might take us all the way home. For example, Bob may feel he cannot make money except through dealing drugs, but is this really true? If he looked around and sought help, could he not begin to make progress on building a less hazardous career? Perhaps one step is to get a GED, begin to demonstrate to both himself and potential employers that he has the determination and ability to learn and change. You never know what opportunities will open up down any particular road until you begin to make the journey. Effort leads to opportunity. When you see a possible step that could take you closer to your healthiest path, be bold, take chances, and explore. With each daring step, you will feel more clarity, more joy, more laughter, and more excitement for life. Often the scariest steps are also the most invigorating and fun. With effort and resiliency, you will realize that bold steps occasionally pay off with great reward, leading to greater confidence. With each step towards your true joy star, you will feel more power and less intimidated by fear. With each bold life step, you will begin to see your daily concerns for what they are, beautiful yet mostly insignificant wisps of tissue paper burning and floating in the gentle breezes swirling all around you. You will have less and less problems touching and moving these about as you journey on towards your joy star. As you make more and more progress, your life goal may at times feel like a giant sun filling a huge portion of the sky, beckoning you with its warmth, and making all choices that lay in directions moving away from it quite obvious. Some days will feel like this and yet, you often will awaken to a confusing sky once again- and once again you may turn to meditation to help you see your way clear. It’s as if at every moment we are walking on a path in the woods, meandering towards happiness. Sometimes the path splits and we have a clear choice- and so we choose. Yet, these moments of obvious choice may lead us to forget that we always have a choice, even when there is not a clear split in the trail. Whatever your current situation, you could stop right now and go a different direction. If you are on a clearly defined path in the wilderness, you could simply decide to suddenly turn and climb a cliff or bushwhack through the forest. You don’t have to even keep moving. You can stop, sit, take a break, and mindfully consider your situation. In fact, every time we meditate that is what we are doing. We are choosing to simply stop in our path. Every meditation sit is a bold and brave choice to halt time and give ourselves the precious gift of space to patiently contemplate the unique moment in the history of the universe in which we now find ourselves. Every time we meditate is a chance to recognize that this moment, right now, is unique, infinitely important, and entirely our own- (delete dash) and so too is our decision about what to do next. By practicing meditation and mindfulness every day, you are training yourself to thoughtfully consider your life and your journey. You are not looking for shortcuts, but rather you are patiently gazing around looking for the best options at hand. The best paths are not always the easy to see and heavily beaten path you are on. The most rewarding and exciting paths are sometimes the hard and scary unmarked paths to your left or right. Sometimes it is below or above. And sometimes the best path is no path at all- (delete dash and use comma) and you should simply stop and wait and pay attention to what is happening all around you. What does happiness feel like? Consider the metaphor of you as an apple tree. What does a flourishing apple tree look like? Does it have only a few branches flourishing and producing fruit (add comma) or does it have branches flourishing in every direction? Does a healthy apple tree bear no fruit or does it produce abundant nourishing fruit? Does the fruit from a happy healthy apple tree taste sweet and delicious (add comma) or does it taste sour, dry, or bitter? Obviously, a healthy (add comma) flourishing apple tree is one that has bright leaves sucking in sunlight from every direction. It has roots deeply dug into the earth extracting nourishing water and nutrients. It has strong branches reaching out in every conceivable direction and it produces large amounts of juicy tasty fruit. That is what happiness is like for a happy healthy person (add comma) also. A happy healthy person has every vital aspect of their his or her being nourished and flourishing. Now ask yourself, does that describe you? Do you nourish every aspect of your being? Are you fulfilling your needs for creativity, learning, intimacy, excitement, and laughter? Are you guiding your body through this life in a way that keeps it strong, flexible, energized, and healthy? Are you tending to your relationships like a loving gardener tends her garden? Your mind, body, and relationships need to grow and develop. Your being needs to explore and learn. You need to have a healthy flourishing reality in every major area of your life: relationships, family, friends, work, spirituality, education, creative activities, physical health, and more. There are many branches to our human apple tree life- (delete dash) and different people are inclined to nurture different varieties of branches more than others. Meditation and mindfulness will help you be aware of the state of your tree and help you take actions to prune or otherwise care for your particular life journey, so that you flourish. Let’s take a moment right now, for you to do a deeper more specific reflection on your life, and see if this illuminates anything interesting. Reflection 3: 12 Dimensions[11] In this reflection exercise, you are challenged to honestly assess your life in twelve different major areas. Again, for each area I challenge you to rate the state of your life from one to ten, with ten being the best you can imagine. After you do this, jot down some thoughts about these scores in a journal. This is a good exercise to do a few times a year to help make sure we are being honest with ourselves with how we see our life state. Simply doing this work to keep our eyes open helps keep us motivated to do the work we need to do in the areas that need it most. Work. That's your career (comma) your job (comma) or your business. 🡨---------------------------------------------------------------🡪 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Financial. Your income, savings, investments, assets, and debt if you have any. 🡨---------------------------------------------------------------🡪 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Relationship. Whatever intimate relationship you happen to have or want to have. 🡨---------------------------------------------------------------🡪 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Home & Family. Your home life and your relationships with other family members. 🡨---------------------------------------------------------------🡪 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Physical Heath. Your diet and exercise habits, staying free of disease, and especially your overall energy level. 🡨---------------------------------------------------------------🡪 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Mental. Your knowledge, education, talents, and skills. Are you learning new ideas and developing your talents? 🡨---------------------------------------------------------------🡪 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Social. Your friends, your social experiences, networking with other people, belonging to clubs and organizations. 🡨---------------------------------------------------------------🡪 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Emotional. How do you generally feel about your life? Are you feeling positive and optimistic or negative and pessimistic? Are you paying enough attention to the warning signs of negative emotions? 🡨---------------------------------------------------------------🡪 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Spiritual. That's Your religious beliefs and your philosophy of life, which would include your sense of purpose and your overall level of clarity as to your existence and your place in the universe. 🡨---------------------------------------------------------------🡪 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Character. How strong is your sense of integrity, your honesty, your courage, your compassion, your sense of honor, your level of self-discipline? 🡨---------------------------------------------------------------🡪 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Contribution. Are you giving something of value to the world? Do you feel your you are making a difference with your life? 🡨---------------------------------------------------------------🡪 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Fun & Adventure. Are you enjoying your life? Are your you experiencing what you want to experience? 🡨---------------------------------------------------------------🡪 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 If you find you scored yourself low on any of the dimensions above, or if you simply want to score higher on a particular dimension, then you might allow yourself to gently contemplate those areas during your next meditation sit. Then see what arises. See what you seem to need. What do you seem to need? See what ideas arise for how to address these needs. Then mindfully take action. ________________ Chapter 12: Living a Mindful Life There are three parts to any event in your life: Your experience of the event, your reaction to the event, and your chosen actions following the event. Experience Your experience of an event is the raw event itself. This includes your raw sensations of sight, sound, feeling, taste, smell, etc. This includes your emotional state and the changes you feel in your emotional state while the event is happening. The raw event can only be experienced. It cannot be perfectly recorded, remembered, or discussed with others after the event. The raw event can only be experienced in the present moment. The raw event can only be thought about in the present moment it is happening. And finally, the raw event can only be discussed with others in the present moment while it is still happening. (You may attempt to record the raw event in some manner, yet the act of recording will significantly change the raw event.) (Delete unnecessary parentheses.) Now you may be saying to yourself, “What does he mean we can’t remember events? That’s crazy. Of course we remember events.” Yet, my point is not that we don’t have memory, it is that memory is not the same as an experience. Our minds are not capable of recording every detail of our moment-to-moment experience. Our minds cannot remember what we felt, smelled, thought, saw, heard in every millisecond. If you think in technological terms, its just too much data to store and our brains don’t have infinite capacity. You can remember bits of a past event, some key details, but when you remember, you are actually experiencing a new event in the present: the experience of remembering. What our minds do instead of recording every sensation and experiential detail is to pick out some key elements from experiences, much like an author recording a story. Some of these details are fairly random and some are picked out because they are considered “important” or “critical,” yet the sum total of the details remembered are a far cry from the full genuine raw experience. Moreover, the details we choose to remember are colored by the worldview or mental lens we use to interpret our experience. Every person has a unique worldview they have he or she has shaped over the course of their life. Your worldview includes the values, tastes, and categories you use to record the narrative of your life story. We can sample a small bit of the infinite variety of worldviews when we read books or listen to people. There is not one right way to see the world. Reaction Your reaction to an event is how you automatically respond to the event. Your reaction includes what judgments, feelings, and immediate ideas for actions pop into your consciousness after the event occurs. Your reaction is not a choice. Your reaction is in fact, part of the raw event itself. If a person punches you in the face, your reaction will likely include pain. You do not choose to feel pain or not, it is how you react. Likewise, you will likely feel a huge emotional reaction to a punch in the face, probably either anger, fear, or if you are me, perhaps laughter. This secondary reaction is mostly automatic, though it is within the realm of things you may learn to influence with practice. Action Your action following an event is what you choose to do after the event and after your reaction to the event. To practice mindful action is to have a crystal clear separation, a clear space, between the event and your choice of action following an event. Mindfulness is about creating a nice healthy gap between those two parts of your experience. Thus mindfulness helps us differentiate between the currents of the river and the stroke of our paddle as we kayak down the river of life. You do not and cannot control all your reactions to any event, just as you cannot control all events in space and time (though you might be surprised where the limits truly are!). Yet, However, to practice mindfulness and mindful action, (delete comma) is to carefully and thoughtfully choose your actions after events and after your initial reaction to the events. To live a life of mindfulness is to live a life of chosen action, not a life of mindless reaction. If someone purposefully gets in your way and angrily confronts you, you might feel a strong impulse to aggressively engage with that person. Yet, if we are able to pause, to breathe, and to feel that space between the actions of our confronter, our initial surge of emotion and the next moment, we might see that we have many interesting options for action. We could wait. We could smile. We could simply walk away. We could laugh. We could tell a joke. The possibilities are endless and fascinating to consider. When people engage in conflict producing behavior (add comma) they are trying to participate in a story, usually a story they know very well. They think to themselves, “I am attacking, now he will defend, then I will counter…” so on and so on. When someone attacks people attack you, they are attempting to make you a specific character in the story they are telling themselves. They are attempting to define you. Yet, But you don’t have to play the role that other people are trying to fit put onto you into. You don’t have to give them that power over you. Stop. Look around. Turn around. Change the subject. Be creative. Play the role you want to play in that situation, not the role you are assigned. When you practice mindfulness, there is a clear gap between your reaction to an event and your chosen action following the event. When you are not mindful, your reaction and your action blurs blur together, (delete comma) making it appear and feel like you did not have a choice. To learn to break this cycle, (delete comma) there is work you can do to disrupt your reaction-action process. In the next section we will explore one method that has helped me. Changing Your Reactions By Changing Your Mental and Emotional Home You can think of your reactions as products of the mental and emotional home you have built for yourself over the course of your life. Once you grasp this idea or belief, you can then work to build a new and better home for yourself, thus changing your reactions. It won’t even require a mortgage. Yet, but it will cost you in effort. Suppose you just completed a task at work and your boss abruptly tells you he is disappointed in what you did and not sure you are cut out for this job. Now that would feel pretty harsh wouldn’t it? This is an experience that will most likely evoke a significant emotional reaction from you. Periodically, people probably say things to you that have a similarly strong emotional impact. It happens to all of us. How do you mindfully navigate from an event like this? Continuing with our example, after your boss says what s/he says, you will experience an immediate emotional reaction. This reaction depends upon where your mental and emotional home is located- (delete dash and use comma) at least in relation to work. The simplest way to think about this, (delete comma) is to ask what emotion or emotions seem to arise most often for you throughout the course of your day. Is it joy, excitement, confusion, fear, anger or something else? Perhaps you tend to bounce between a couple different specific emotions most of the day. Emotions that you frequently experience eventually become a type of home base for you, a place you orbit and inhabit. They become your home. Many people have an emotional home base of fear while at a job. They fear screwing up, getting in trouble, and getting fired. This fear lives in their chest stirring anxiety and stress throughout their work day and often beyond. Again returning to our example, if you live in the land of fear at work, where you fear losing your job and your income, your reaction to a negative statement by your boss will likely be to suddenly experience a lot of fear and fear laden thoughts. You might sit at your station and hear your mind saying things like, “I can’t believe I did that so badly. I don’t want to lose my job. What can I do to make my boss satisfied? I am going to be homeless and living in a cardboard box,” and so on. These thoughts are your reaction based upon where you emotionally and mentally live. Personally, I have heard the phrase, “You are going to end up living in a cardboard box on the street!” in my mind countless times, usually in my father’s (added apostrophe) voice. When acting mindfully, you don’t select your actions from the first immediate set of actions your mind comes up with while in reaction mode. The reaction ideas that flood your mind following an event will all merely be your first ideas-which often are not the best ideas. More specifically, the first ideas for how to react will be colored with the habits (and ruts) of your current mental and emotional home. If you don’t have a perfectly healthy mental and emotional home, then you definitely don’t want to automatically obey all the suggestions from that home. In fact, you may not want to obey any suggestions from that home at all. For example, you don’t only want to choose from actions you generate from fear (if fear is your home)- (delete dash) because fear probably doesn’t have your best interests in mind. Again, you might consider personifying fear into a companion, like a cousin. Fear doesn’t know everything, yet Fear is afraid of virtually everything. Fear can give you ideas and energy, but you don’t want to live a life obeying it. If you do everything Fear comes up with, then that will likely lead you to more Fear in the future. Fear based actions lead to fear based experiences. Fear doesn’t know how to escape itself. To act mindfully, you must be able to see the rich and broad spectrum of possible actions available to you in every moment, so you can choose the ones you truly want that have the best chance to lead where you truly want to go. The trick is how do you do this? How do you see different possibilities immediately after an event, when your mind is encouraging you to react in a habitual way? One tactic is to counter your reactions. If your mind reacts from fear and self-loathing with “I am an idiot! Why did I do that stupid thing!?” You can notice that you literally hear your mind saying that statement in your head. It is like a voice. You might consider this voice the voice of your mind, or your ego, your mother/father, or simply as the voice of your current mental and emotional home. Label it however you like, but the key step is to notice it speaking. When you hear the voice of your mind make a judgment (add comma) then one immediate option is you can choose to reply to it with an alternative judgment. When you actively choose to say something in your head, you are using your active voice. This voice is your chosen active voice, not your reactive voice. You don’t have to let your reactive voice have the stage all to itself. Kick that greedy attention monger to the side and let your active voice speak too! Take ownership of the stage in your mind. Your mind belongs to you-to your true self. Try this as a mental exercise one day. Pay attention to the internal dialogue in your head. The moment your mind speaks a negative judgment, then immediately say in your mind an alternative judgment. You don’t even have to believe the alternative (add comma) but say it anyways. Be Talk to yourself like a supportive parent encouraging a child who keeps berating themselves with negative comments. For instance, your mind says, “I am an idiot.” Then you might respond to it by saying in your head, “I am a wonderful smart person.” Try it right now and see what happens. Ask yourself a question that you know your mind will reply to with a negative or unpleasant judgment. Then counter it with your active voice with a positive judgment. Your mind might be judging this very exercise I am suggesting you try. It may be saying, “This mental exercise is a stupid waste of time.” Then you might say with your active voice, “This is an interesting exercise.” Your mind might say, “All this author is talking about is the power of positive thinking.” Then you might counter with your active voice, “This is similar to positive thinking, but maybe this is slightly different and a more useful way to look at it.” Your mind might then say, “This book is worthless.” Then your active voice might say, “This book is really interesting, the author is a genius, and I should send him a donation so he will write another book.” (Ha! Ha!) And so on. Try it. Try it right now. What are you waiting for? Don’t just read. Do. Try. Reading for reading sake is a waste of time. Learn something right now about yourself. What do you have to lose? Ask yourself an important question and counter your mind’s answers if you are in any way unsatisfied with the first answers that arise. Ask yourself, “Am I happy?” Ask yourself, “Am I good at my job?” Ask yourself, “Where will I be in one year?” And then counter any unpleasant resulting responses with the responses you most want to be true. See what happens. Pay attention. You won’t realize the full impact of this exercise immediately because it will impact you in a broad variety of powerful ways. This exercise is not merely about speaking to your conscious mind, but also your unconscious and subconscious mind. Take the time to tell yourself what you want to be true. If you do this exercise, you will find the dialogue between your active voice and your reactive mind voice can be incredibly rich and rewarding. Your reactive voice is like an alter ego. It can be like an angry upset child. It can be like the voice of one of your parents or friends. For me, the reactive voice is often highly irrational, depressed, and cynical- and I love it like a dear old crotchety friend. Far more important than the tone of your reactive voice though is the tone of your active voice. You don’t control your reactive voice, but you do control your active voice. Your active voice is whatever you want it to be. If you want your active voice to be thoughtful, creative, optimistic, inspired, humorous, and patient, then make it that way. If you don’t want to be cynical and negative, then don’t choose to actively voice your thoughts that way. A portion of your mind will still be negative, cynical, and all those dark unpleasant things when that portion of your mind feels it’s the right way to be. My cynical, negative, crotchety old reactive voice has never died. Yet, you can begin to see the dark and negative portion of your mind like a neurotic sibling or friend. You hear it. You listen to it. But you don’t have to agree with it all the time. Often that portion of your mind is behaving like a child. Use your active voice to describe the world as you wish it to be- (delete dash) and see what power that this has to make it so. Your active voice has the power to change the world. (This would be a good spot for a writing exercise based on this question/answer exercise.) By choosing your active voice responses, you are choosing your mental and emotional home. If you want to greet experiences with joy, confidence, optimism, and good humor- (delete dash and use comma) then simply say in your head exactly what a voice from that land would say. As I said, it doesn’t even matter if you think it is true or truly mean it. By choosing to say it, you are taking a step to make the thought a reality. By choosing to say, “I am an amazing person. I am good at my job. I did make a slight error on this item, but I won’t do that ever again and my boss will be happy. If not (add comma) I will get a better job,” rather than allowing the only voice to be your reactive voice saying, “I am going to lose my job and be homeless,” you are using your power of choice to craft a new mental and emotional home. It is like laying a foundation for a house in a foreign country. The more you do it, the more real this house will become and before you know it, it becomes a genuine vacation home you can visit, and eventually you might fully move in. To live mindfully is to recognize that you are not your reactions. You are your actions and you are the intentions you choose to embrace that guide your actions. That which you choose is far more powerful, significant, and transformative than anything outside of your control. Your chosen actions are far more powerful than the reactions that might erupt inside you. Your reactions are no different than the falling rain, they are simply events you have little control over. Your actions are what make you a conscious person, unique in this universe. The reactions inside you are all part of the raging river of life. Your actions on the other hand are how you ride your canoe along this glorious river of events, experiences, actions, and reactions. Focus upon that which you control, your actions and your truest intentions, and you will find you can take the canoe virtually anywhere on your glorious journey. Simple But Not Easy The most important answers to the most important questions in life are not difficult to find. You probably know most of them already. What is difficult is applying those answers to your actions. Would you be a bit happier and more satisfied with life if you were in better physical shape? If so, what do you do about it? How do you lose weight and get in better shape? I bet you already know the basic answer to this question. The answer is not the hard part; the application of the answer is hard. We all know diet and exercise are the answer to getting in better shape, but why then do millions of people fail to diet and exercise adequately to maintain a physical condition that makes them happier? It is because it is easier to acquire knowledge than to change a behavior pattern. We are not ruled by ignorance as much as we tend to be ruled by habit. Think of any behavior pattern in your life that you wish you could alter permanently- (delete dash) yet find it difficult to do. Do you want to quit smoking? Do you want to get up earlier in the morning? Do you want to control your temper? Do you want to exercise 20 minutes a day? Do you want to write 1000 words a day? Do you want to watch less TV? Do you want to waste less time on the Internet? It doesn’t matter which behavior you are struggling with, (change from comma to period) For all of these, you probably know the basic answer to “how to do this?” The problem you struggle with is in the nitty-gritty details of “how do you actually change your real world day-to-day moment-to-moment behavior?” The best answer I have found for this truly difficult question of life is to practice meditation and mindfulness. The first section of this book is all about meditation, (delete comma) because meditation is the most effective practice I know of to begin to train your mind to experience life mindfully. There may be other routes, but I don’t know those as well from personal experience. Establishing a regular meditation practice is itself an incredible and sometimes extraordinarily difficult exercise in behavior pattern change. To meditate 20 minutes a day, you must carve out 20 minutes from your daily life- (delete dash and use comma) which might be very, very, challenging the first time you try to do it. It is especially challenging if you are someone who is very rusty on willfully changing a pattern in your routine. Learning to change habits, to break routines and ruts, is hard. Life is hard. Yet, you can do it. Simply start with a little effort. To meditate 20 minutes a day, you must give yourself permission to sit awake and still for 20 minutes every day without doing anything “productive.” You may have a very loud and powerful part of your consciousness that absolutely refuses to be ok with “wasting 20 minutes” on meditation every day, when so much needs to get done. Pay attention to this type of resistance, (delete comma) because there is much to learn from it. (You might also note, meditation helps still your mind, which makes you far more productive when you begin doing tasks.) To meditate 20 minutes a day, you must make yourself choose sitting still and being quiet over every possible form of stimulation that sits waiting just a few steps away through your social life, computer, TV, or smartphone. The part of you that revels in drama can be very loud and pushy when it comes to negotiating for time and attention. Pay attention to this type of resistance, there is much to learn from it. (You might also note, you enjoy all the stimulating events of life more, when you have a clear and still mind ready to fully taste the experience.) If you have achieved creating a 20-minute daily meditation routine, then you have already overcome an enormous challenge in learning to control your own behavior- (delete dash) and to break habits so that you can live the life you want. Great job! On the other hand, if you have been unable to carve 20 minutes out for mediation everyday, then you still have work to do, but you can do it. You simply have more work and negotiating to do with the parts of your consciousness that resist meditation. Parts of your being may be terrified of a meditation practice. They may feel threatened- (delete dash) and to some extent this fear is reasonable. Your emotions and reactive mind may enjoy being in charge and making all the decisions. When you meditate, you are like a new gentle and wise teacher entering a classroom where the children are out of control. The children of your mind will immediately try to test you, but if you are firm and reasonable- (delete dash and use comma) and consistent over time, they will settle down, and you can all enjoy an amazing time together. The children of your mind want to learn and grow. Remember the following tips for dealing with the parts of your consciousness resistant to meditation practice. You are not telling your workaholic mind you won’t work; rather, you are saying you will meditate and then work more effectively. You are not telling your entertainment addicted mind you won’t watch cat videos; instead, you are saying you will meditate and then enjoy cat videos even more. Negotiation with your own internal desires, doubts, or habits is absolutely fair game in your personal practice of mindfulness. You and the parts of you that are pushing you around are all here in the present. Let yourself communicate clearly with yourself. Negotiate a plan your full self can commit to and live up to. You can even bribe yourself into doing some work in exchange for an indulgence later in the day. It doesn’t even matter if your long term plan is to push for different (probably healthier) terms in the very near future, (change to period) The negotiation of this present moment is all that matters. Contracts can always be renegotiated in the future. In some ways, to be mindful is simply to own the negotiating table in your head. Mindfulness is awareness of what is happening right now. Mindfulness is awareness of what you feel physically and emotionally right now. Mindfulness is awareness of your present situation. Mindfulness is awareness of what you want right now, what your immediate and long term goals are, and mindfulness is knowing you can choose to let go of any of these goals instantly if you so choose. To be mindful is to not be trapped by the plans, desires, or aversions of your mind. Mindfulness is awareness of your choices and options as they flow past you like branches of a river splitting off to your left and your right every second. Mindfulness is to calmly and patiently observe these choices and wait until you see one that appears healthy and good to follow- and to then carefully take action to follow it. The Odd Appearance of Mindfulness When you are around a person learning to practice mindfulness, you may notice some behaviors that seem odd or unusual to you. A mindful person will often not talk much, (delete comma) because talking is an easy way to dull your awareness. Moreover, a mindful person will not want to waste energy talking unless it seems very beneficial- (delete dash and use comma) which often it is not. A mindful person will often move much more slowly than others, (delete comma) because a mindful person moves at a pace that is best for their the journey. The faster you move, the faster the river of life flows by you. If you simply slow down, you can take more time to consider the choices of every moment before those moments charge past. In addition, rushing often leads to accidents and crashes, which though sometimes a thrill, are usually undesirable. If you begin practicing mindfulness, you too may begin to exhibit noticeably different behaviors to people around you. You may find yourself moving more slowly, talking less, and failing to obey thousands of subtle social queues for which your friends and family have grown accustomed to your responses. You may find yourself with someone who knows you well saying, “You are acting weird. Why are you acting strange?” You will have to choose in these moments what to tell such people. If you tell people you are practicing mindfulness, there will be certain consequences to this. If you do not tell people you are practicing mindfulness there will be consequences to that. The optimum answer depends upon you and your relationship to the person asking. I tell good friends that I practice mindfulness or have been meditating a lot to explain any “openly mindful” behaviors. Some of them like to joke that at times I am “overmeditated,” which could be for them a subtly expressed negative judgment or fear. You may simply have people in your life who start telling you, “You meditate too much.” When this happens, I strongly suggest you be very thoughtful in how you react-perhaps withholding any reaction to that person, and rather taking some time to reflect upon their statement. We each must assess what we do and how much we do of it. Don’t worry about of the judgments other people make of your behaviors, (change comma to period) Worry about what you think is the optimum path forward for you-and then trust yourself more than any other being in the Universe! If you decide you feel comfortable with a new behavior pattern in your life, then feel free to talk to people who express negative judgments about it- (delete dash) if their judgments bother you in any way. On the other hand, also feel free to let their comments wash past you like leaves rotting in a stream. Sometimes engaging with people is a poor use of energy. All paths lay open to you always. Chapter 13: Personal Essays on my Mindful Journey If you embark on the adventure of meditation, you are beginning a journey into a vast, complex, and perhaps even mystical land of self-discovery. You can find many teachers and many schools of thought for how one might “properly” journey into this land. I do not claim to be a great teacher. I am merely a fellow student, a fellow traveler who has pursued a good deal of independent study. No established school of meditation practice recognizes me as any type of authority, so you are on your own deciding what to make of the words of guidance you hear from the mouth of this random stranger you have met along the side of the road of in your life. Perhaps, (delete comma) you can consider the evaluation of my words as practice, for perhaps you are better off learning to judge the wisdom of people by your assessment of their words, their eyes, and their life- (delete dash) rather than their possession of a specific badge, robe, or other symbol of popular endorsement?. (Change punctuation to period) Where is wisdom to be found in this universe? Is it found in the people that who groups hold up as their leaders? Or is it found in people who live a clear, honest, noble life? Is wisdom found in people who enjoy sitting on pedestals and receiving praise and admiration? Or is wisdom found in people who are humble, quiet, and only reluctantly accept power over others when it is a noble vehicle for good works? A mindful journey is always a uniquely challenging journey, and so before we begin our exploration of mindfulness applied to our daily life and our external worldly actions, I wish to offer you a few deeper insights into my personal mindful journey. I offer you the essays in this chapter, which I wrote along my journey, for perhaps they will be of some use to you as you find your way. The first essays reflect my personal mindful assessment of wanting and desire, which if you study schools of meditative thought, are very rich and popular topics. The essays in this chapter are not essential reading as you follow the offerings of this book. In fact, the essays are bit of a deeper dive into personal mindfulness than I originally planned for this section. Nonetheless, I as I write this book, I now feel compelled to share them, For some of you who delve enthusiastically into the ocean of mindfulness may find yourself somewhat lost and intimidated, and these essays may help. I do not want to help lead you into such a quagmire without throwing you a rope that might assist you in finding your way out. If you don’t feel you need this rope at this time, feel free to jump to Section 2 and immediately begin to explore applying the basic skills of mindfulness to real life actions. On the other hand, if you feel ready for a bit of a (add article) deeper dive into the journey of individual mindfulness, then read on! (Personal note: I really like these essays that come next. I’m not sure, yet, this is the right place for them, but I like them.) Essay 1: Wanting I write this essay for myself. I write this because sometimes I forget what and who I am. I urge you, that is me, if you wish to see clearly again, follow this road map. It may help you see the truth if you should ever forget it. Meditate. Sit and meditate. Hold within yourself one simple desire during this meditation: to see the truth. Ask “What am I?” Ask, “Who am I?” Open yourself to those questions until you have the full and complete true answer. Here is one story that might help you see the truth. The History of the Universe There is a universe of stuff. What are you in this Universe? What is your essence? What is your true nature? Before you or any other being like you existed, there was just the Universe. Before there was the Universe there was…what? Our grandest and most brilliant scientists, investigators of the truth, cannot tell us. But we are sure, before there were humans, before there was life, there was a universe of stuff. Amongst this stuff, there was matter and there was energy, the two sometimes becoming one of the other and back again. Before humanity, the matter and energy of the universe, this stuff of the universe, exists existed at peace. It is still perfectly at peace. Why should it fret? Why should it worry? It is immortal. Physics tells us, energy can neither be created nor destroyed, but it transforms from one form to another. Energy is immortal. If we look deeper into this stuff of the universe, we see molecules. If we look deeper still we see atoms. If we look deeper still we see dense heavy protons and neutrons surrounded by electrons buzzing like mystical insects at incomprehensible speeds. If we look deeper still we see a mysterious substance of energy we call electromagnetic waves, light, photons, and other strange fundamental particles and forces. At these deepest levels, and there are deeper levels still, all this matter and energy of the universe has no fear, no anxiety, no hopes, and no dreams. At these deepest levels of the universe, before life, there was merely and is merely peace and immortality. The electrons, protons, neutrons, and photons of the universe do not die. They transform. A basic law of our greatest understanding of our universe is that energy is never created or destroyed, but rather it is merely transformed from one state to another. So before there was life, before there were humans, before there was you, there was peace and immortality. The fabric of the universe did what it did, moved, transformed, and fretted not over the details. Why would any of the stuff of the universe fret, it was all immortal! What do immortals worry about? Within the tempest of suns long before mammals ever took their first breath, protons and neutrons and electrons were pressed together forming new elements. These elements were pressed together further to form still larger more complex elements. When the time was right, these mighty and massive suns burst forth spewing this new matter out into the cosmos like seeds for further growth and transformation. Matter moved across the universe without preference. It flowed through the ether like leaves upon the surface of a river. Like the leaf, it cared not whether it sank or journeyed on. Like the leaf, matter cared not where it ended its journey, where it came to rest. Eventually some matter did come to relative rest. Some matter gathered together in clumps and formed asteroids, comets, moons, and planets. Some matter formed massive solid hunks of stone, others metals, and others a myriad of other amazing forms. If we were to visit one of these predecessors of Earth, if for example we visited one such rock on one such planet, moon, or asteroid billions of years ago, what would we find? If we were to ask one such rock on one such planet before human life evolved, “How are you? Are you happy?” what would that rock say? Of course, rocks cannot speak, so such a question is moot, but let us humor ourselves in our inquiry. If a rock could speak, if it could communicate its inner most feelings, its inner most states, what then would the rock on the planet before humanity say to us about its happiness? If a rock could speak, if this ancient rock before our sun and Earth ever existed could speak, would it not say, “I am happy and at perfect peace. I am immortal. The matter and energy of which I am has come together in this form and perhaps one day it will come apart and join other forms. Perhaps one day the matter that is me will become energy (add comma) and after that the energy may become matter once again. I am at perfect peace with this journey, with this ride. I do not yearn to control this journey or these paths, I am at perfect peace to flow with how the currents of space and time and how they move me to move.” I think that is what the rock would say to us. I think that is what all the stuff of the universe would have said to us before humans existed and what it would say to us now. Our predecessors, all matter that preceded life (add comma) would say if it could speak to us, “We are at perfect, perfect, peace. We have nothing to fear and we have nothing to yearn for, for we are immortal. We are all a part of the immortal fabric of this universe.” And thus, for a very, very, long time, before life, before consciousness, before humanity, the universe was at perfect peace. It remained at perfect peace until one day something changed. The change was that some bits of matter and energy gave rise to a new thought. This new thought may have emerged from a rock sitting upon the surface of a planet or moon, or perhaps it was from some early predecessor of human life, or perhaps it was a human being. The precise origin of the thought matters not, what matters is this new thought had never before been thunked existed. The new thought was, “I want…” What did it want you might ask? What indeed did it want? It doesn’t really matter. It may have thought, “I want to move” or perhaps it thought, “I don’t want to be smashed into pieces by that approaching asteroid” or perhaps it thought (add comma) “I want love”. It doesn’t matter what it wanted. What matters is on this momentous day, at this turning point in the history of the universe, a portion of matter and energy was no longer at peace with what it had and so it said, “I want...” For the first time ever, a portion of the universe, a bit of the fabric of the universe was discontent, it was not at peace, it was no longer satisfied being made of immortal energy in one form or another, it now wanted. Many rich and interesting events followed after this moment in which wanting first arose. On Earth, life emerged from this wanting in all its amazing forms, (change from comma to colon) bacteria, fungi, plants, fish, mammals, birds, dinosaurs, apes, and yes eventually humans. The commonality of all life is that all life wants. Life wants for something. All living things are in some way unsatisfied- (delete dash and add comma) and so all life takes action in some way to satisfy its fundamental wanting. Indeed, since that moment in time when the first immortal bits of the fabric of the universe declared “I want” (add comma) the Universe has contained but two distinct types of matter and energy. For remember, in that moment wanting emerged, nothing truly changed. The universe before wanting and the universe after wanting consists of the same matter and energy (add comma) and that matter and energy is immortal. Yet, However, since the emergence of wanting, there exists now immortal matter and energy at peace and immortal matter and energy not at peace. After the emergence of wanting, there was fabric of the universe at perfect peace and there was fabric of the universe unsatisfied and wanting. This story now arrives at you your place in the universe. You right now. You asking, “What am I? Who am I?” You are matter and energy just as any of a thousand scientists will tell you. You are matter and energy that at its fundamental level cannot be destroyed but only transformed. You are matter and energy that has come together into a unique and interesting form, the form of the body you now inhabit. The elements, molecules, and energy that has have come together to make this body have traveled vast distances across millennia to form the vessel you call your home, your most sacred temple. Yet, this vessel is not a permanent home, it is but merely a transient temporary container. This vessel will one day be destroyed and the matter and energy that is you will scatter and form into new and equally amazing forms. The matter and energy that is you may go on to want or it may go on to perfect peace once again. The matter and energy that is you existed billions of years before your body was born and will exist billions of years after your body dies. Who are you? You are immortal matter and energy. Are you matter and energy that is immortal and wants nothing (add comma) or are you immortal matter and energy that wants much? Are you fabric of the universe that is satisfied (add comma) or are you fabric of the universe that sits whining and complaining? Perhaps you should ask yourself this question. Perhaps you have the power to choose to be either one?( change to period) If you ask, “Am I stuff that wants or stuff that wants not?” you will see you are both. You in your current vessel both want (add comma) and you are at perfect peace. Let yourself see that you are fundamentally immortal matter and energy. Let yourself see that you, the fundamental essence of you, cannot be destroyed, cannot die, but will merely scatter and transform. Let yourself see, that though a part of you wants, a part of you also knows you need not want for anything. As you meditate, consider letting go of your wanting self, at least for a few moments. Let go of all that you crave for this vessel, this life you call yours. See for a moment, if you can see once again the universe from the perspective of that rock that sat upon the surface of that ancient heavenly body, before life, before earth, before humanity. See if for a moment you can remember what it was like to hold no fear, no hope, and no anxiety. Give yourself permission as you sit to not want (add emphasis) while you meditate. You can reclaim your wanting when the bell rings, whenever it rings, when you stop meditating, but while sitting, want for nothing. As you sit, let go of your wanting to be entertained. As you sit, let go of your wanting to take care of your concerns. As you sit, let go of your very attachment to survival as a life form. Yes, let go of your fear of death and suffering. Let go of that portion of your mind that is listening and watching at all moments for something to happen that will cause you to open your eyes and leap to action. In fact, give yourself permission, just for these few moments while meditating, to allow yourself to be hurt or even physically die if something in the universe suddenly changed and your very life was threatened. Allow yourself to accept death if it comes rushing into your presence right now. Can you let go of these wants? Can you taste the peace, the immortal infinite peace of the fabric of the universe that does not fear transformation into other forms? Can you taste the endless spacious bliss that all matter and energy knew before wanting emerged from the darkness? Let meditation take you to this bliss of not wanting. Challenge yourself to let go of all wanting and feel what you truly are. Accept everything exactly as it is in this moment. You are immortal matter and energy. You will not die. You and your parts will merely transform one day, (delete comma) as your elements and energies always have. Transformation is your immortal endless glorious journey. You will never fully let go of wanting until the moment before your life is to undoubtedly end. At that moment, that special moment which lay lies ahead of us all, when you know wanting no longer serves any purpose, you will truly know peace again. But until that moment of true peace, let yourself use meditation to visit the state of not wanting. Let yourself remember what true peace tastes like, so that as you emerge from meditation, as you stand up and navigate this world, you might allow yourself to choose what those wants that are worth wanting, and which those wants which are but a waste. If you are to want, want that which is truly worthy, live for that which is worth living, until you live in this form no more. ________________ Essay 2: The Meditation Journey At times it might be helpful to see the meditation process as a journey through mind states. The journey begins with knowing I am my true self. I am not my story. I am not my feelings, my desires, nor my revulsions. I am a single pinprick spark of life. And I travel. I, the essence of life that I am, journey through mind states, like a spark traveling through worlds. I often begin the meditation journey in the “monkey mind” land, the land of the furious (add comma) chaotic maelstrom of thoughts, feelings, concerns, fears, and hopes. This first land is violent and chaotic, yet it is also familiar and cozy, for I know it very well. I, my true self, a living spark of energy, travel forth from this land using meditation. I, the spark, choose to stop, and am still. Through stillness, patience, softness, and love a doorway opens up within the land of fury and chaos, a passageway into a very different land, a land much calmer and more peaceful. If I sit and am still with patient (add comma) consistent effort, I see that I may enter this new and very different world. And so I do. The first world beyond chaos is not perfectly peaceful, yet it is far more peaceful than the land in which I began. I can see the world of chaos from here. Indeed, I know I can easily be sucked back into that world, back into the frantic constantly shifting state of mind. The first land of greater calm feels perhaps like the still and calm eye of a storm, a small area of respite, in which I know I cannot stay forever. Yet, I come back to it again and again, (delete comma) through my meditation practice of patience and stillness. Each time I visit this world of greater calm and greater peace, I learn more about it. Each time I visit this small area of quiet and stillness, I learn more. I learn more about the forces that throw me around in the land of chaos. I learn more about the nature of stillness. With each visit, as my understanding and familiarity grows, the land of greater calm expands. Then one day the land of greater calm stops appearing like a small area in the eye of the storm and now reveals itself as a genuine separate dimension. From where I thought there were only paths back to chaos, I begin to sense paths to still greater vitality, greater awareness, greater clarity, and still greater peace. I continue my daily practice of meditation, patience, openness, curiosity, and gentle wisdom seeking, and then one day another new pathway fully reveals itself. I see it is a passage to yet another new and refreshing mind state, and so I enter it. I travel through this new doorway (add comma) and I find myself in yet another deeper more profound realm. This deepest realm is perfect peace and joy. From this most peaceful realm, most calm realm, most perfectly clear realm, I see from where I came. I see the obstacles I once thought were immoveable. I see the pockets of confusion in which I was stuck for so long. The challenges of my life now appear like simple side pools along the river of my story, easily traversed with simple mindful action. I laugh and wonder at the clarity of all life, all joy, and all beings. And then, sometimes, I feel a rising fear, a fear of losing my way back to this realm. I know that I will inevitably find myself back in the world of chaos and confusion. Life is a constant cycle. I wonder if I will ever find my way back to this realm of perfect peace. I wonder. I worry. I linger and learn. And then, inevitably, indeed I awaken back in the world of chaos where my journey began. Again and again I meditate seeking the path back to peace and calm. Again and again I strive and grasp at the simple tactics that I think first opened up the path to the worlds of greater calm. Yet, grasping and seeking are of the world of chaos, so as long as I grasp, I am held in the maelstrom. I need to remember to stop trying. Letting go is one of the secrets to going. Clever and infuriating is the meditation process, the meditation journey. But I continue to sit each day. I continue to relearn the basic lessons. I continue to rediscover the doorways to greater calm and the pathways to perfect peace. Again and again I travel this challenging path, the path I can only follow when I let go of my desire to travel it, until finally I understand it- (delete dash) if only for fleeting moments. At times, I do understand. I understand what I am and why I live. At times, I fully understand how I become what I become, what I will do and what I will not do. And then, inevitably, I forget these profound lessons, and the journey begins again. Essay 3: Not Wanting One day, while laying lying on my back meditating, I let go of wanting. I let go of all wanting. I recognized letting go of wanting as a doorway, a passage to something very interesting, and as I recognized this, I wondered if it was a passage to where I wanted to go. Ironic of course, that the key to getting where I want to go would be to stop wanting everything- (delete dash) including what I want. So I must then want to not want which leads to what? It seems an inescapable paradox, but it is not. I sat that morning in a remarkable peace. There is an extraordinary peace in not wanting. It is liberating. It is relaxed and stress free. Yet, it is also remarkably stagnant. I literally did not want anything. I did not want to live. I did not want to die. I felt much like a stone sitting on the surface of the earth. Whatever will be will be. Without any wanting, I felt no drive to effect events one way or another. This total lack of drive disturbed me a bit (add comma) and I began to doubt this “state of not wanting” is was what I truly…wanted. Was this the ultimate end I sought? Is Was this what I should seek instead of joy, laughter, celebration, creativity, and learning? Is Was the state of “not-wanting” true liberation and bliss? This dilemma of wanting brings to mind an image like a starry sky for me. Normally, I see my desires all around me like stars calling to me from every direction- (delete dash and add comma) and so I flitter back and forth between seeking this or that, food, rest, good health, creation, fun, laughter, positive effects on the world, helping others grow, helping myself find peace, love, money, and so on… (Use period – delete ellipsis) Yet, at this moment, without wanting, the sky is literally pitch black. It is not that I now only want that singular thing that is good and noble, I want NOTHING. Instead of flittering I am floating completely free. A life form that has no wants, that has no drive for anything, does not last long. Life will not sustain itself on its own. A life form that does not seek food, shelter, and to avoid avoidance of pain, will sit, whither, and die. To want nothing is to float softly towards death. I see this as I sit and meditate and ponder my lack of desire to move or speak to anyone. I wonder about who I am. I am made of matter and energy, all of which is immortal, never truly created or destroyed, and so the matter and energy of which I consist fears not death or transformation. Yet, the unique combination of matter and energy that is Matt Ready, this human being, is mortal, and will cease if I do not rally my being to action. Do we, all the matter and energy that currently compose this vessel, do we have any interest in this vessel’s survival? Do we have any interest in effecting the world around us? Do we care if other collections of matter and energy, other people and life on this planet, thrive or suffer or die? Do such things truly matter? I picture a man walking within my sight, striking, hurting, and slaughtering people. I see this. I ask myself, “Do I care?” Do I care that this being, this collection of immortal matter and energy is disrupting the collections of other immortal matter and energy in other humans? Do I care? If I could stop him, would I? If I had a gun, would I feel a desire to aim it at the man and shoot him, destroy and disperse his matter and energy to the winds? What if I could simply freeze him? Does it matter how I stopped him? Is there a meaningful difference? Do I prefer to freeze him rather than to destroy him? I see this scenario before me, clear and real, and I feel the ability to not want, to not care. Is this what I want to be? Is this who I want to be? I see a new metaphor, a new picture describing life. We are beings sitting within a circle of possibilities. The circle stands vertically. At the bottom of the circle sits starvation, exposure, pain, suffering, and death. At the very top of the circle sits the most perfect, healthy flourishing world we could possibly imagine. Amongst the rim of the circle sits every possible thing we might want and seek in life: money, pleasure, sex, power, ecstasy, laughter, prestige, birth, transformation, knowledge, impact, fame, clarity, accomplishment, and more. Each potential goal lay lies upon the rim of the circle either above or below the meridian, some guiding us up close to the perfect world we truly want, others pulling us down closer to decay and death. We sit somewhere in the middle of this circle pulled in many directions at once. Often, we sit tortured, tormented by our competing wants and needs. To let go of wants is to cut all ties to all the things we might want in this life. To let go is to float free, perfectly liberated. Yet, to sit perfectly free in the middle is also a dangerous state. For what then do you we do if you we want nothing? Perhaps, cutting the cords of wanting is a key step to freedom, but if I do not have any cord, any want in any direction, I will fall slowly to my death. For if I want for nothing, why would I eat, drink, or do anything to maintain my well-being? Not wanting is not living. I decide, (change comma to period) I will practice cutting the cords of wanting, but I must also nurture the cords that pull me towards the most perfect beautiful world I can imagine. Perhaps I shall not cut those cords at all…perhaps I shall just gently release them at times and see if another vine pulls me to an even more perfect destination? (change to a period) Perhaps this practice will help avoid becoming attached to goals that serve me well for a time, yet ultimately anchor to the left or right of the true destination I seek? (change to period) As I ponder this picture, the circle changes shape to me. The top squeezes in sharply making a long virtually endless ravine going up, up, up. The perfect world I seek is always further up the ravine, always up at the peek, the path towards it always more and more narrow. As one climbs ever higher towards the world we truly want, one is surrounded on all sides by enticing, intoxicating, mesmerizing possible and reachable wants such as fame, wealth, power, prestige, pleasure, satisfaction, and more. The closer one is to happiness, the easier it is to become stuck, attached- (delete dash) and then inevitably held back from further progress. The more we achieve (add comma) the more tempting it becomes to grasp onto our gains. Yet all grasping is restraining. All grasping creates resistance to growth. No matter how noble and pure any specific goal, at some point attachment to that goal holds you us back from going further up the path to true happiness. To be truly free and able to follow my path, I must be willing to let go of any anchor point in the circle of possibilities. As I see the circle of possibility with greater and greater clarity, it also changes in its lower half, squeezed in sharply, death laying lying at the bottom point, and the path towards it like an ever-steeper walled pit of despair. I see the incredible importance and power of release of all wanting in this trap of sorts. It is so easy to get stuck. It is so easy to get lost or attached. To let go of wanting frees you us to see clearly, to see where the true light of happiness lay lies, to help you us reassess you're the path, reassess the quality of your our navigation. When the bell rang out, I raised my hands beneath my head. I lifted my legs and pulled my knees to my chest. I reveled briefly in the pleasure of feeling my muscles and tendons move and stretch. It felt good (add coma) and I know I want to feel good- (delete dash and add comma) and I am not ashamed of that wanting. I want happiness. I want the other people in this world to find happiness. I want this world to flourish. I want to act to help people feel joy, laughter, and growth. If the man I imagined moments earlier came to torture and destroy others and I had the power to stop him, I would certainly do so. I would act to stop his wanton destruction immediately, without hesitation, and with absolute resolve. There is a wondrous (add comma) joyous star-warmed path to follow. I shall seek the passage towards my joy star because that is the good way. I will be tempted and perhaps hurt by the treacherous and devious dangers along the way, but I shall seek that which is worth seeking relentlessly nonetheless. The Tension Between Wanting and Not Wanting I believe there is a tension between wanting and not wanting on a mindful life journey. Indeed, there have been practitioners of meditation who stop all wanting, stop all worldly actions, and sit and meditate from present until the transformation of death. Perhaps there is a noble path you might pursue that involves this course of action? (change to period) I don’t know for certain. Meditation will help us stop wanting (add comma) and we must decide then what is worth seeking. There is a liberation from knowing you can stop wanting even that which you seek most intently. There is extraordinary freedom and peace in knowing you can choose a goal and seek an outcome with all your being, expend total focused effort to achieve that specific goal, but then if it fails to occur, you can utterly let go of your desire for that goal and immediately move on. You We have extraordinary power to shape your life our lives and the world in which we live. Meditation and mindfulness will help you master your most impactful and transformational aptitudes for doing so. Yet, you are not all powerful. There are always forces that are infinitely stronger than you, that might at any moment thwart and destroy all that you create. If such moments happen, we must simply let go of that which we cannot hold onto. We might mourn and we might transform ourselves in this letting go, but this mindful act is the only sane action to take. We seek the world we want relentlessly, patiently, and with alert open eyes. It is as if we are constructing a mighty sand castle on a magical beach. Revel and rejoice in the towers and grand canals you carve and decorate with bright shells and pebbles. Create the most glorious sand creation you might create- (delete dash and add comma) but if when the mighty powers of the ocean, wind, or rain, powers far mightier than you or me, sweep some or all of your castle away, do not despair. Your creations are not forever, yet they are nonetheless immortally glorious. If a rogue wave catches you off guard and sweeps you out to sea, laugh for life has surprised you. You are but a speck of dust in an endless ocean of far greater powers, (Use period here and end the sentence.) If those powers decide it is time for you to end, then you shall end. Enjoy the ride. Who knows, perhaps you will be deposited upon another solid shore where you can begin your sand castle building anew?(Change to period.) Essay 4: Beware of Meditation Teachers As I wrote earlier, meditation is an art form- (delete dash) just as Karate, painting, dance, and acting are all art forms. Meditation is a unique art form in that it is uniquely focused on your internal world. Most other art forms are either entirely or partially intertwined with your external world. For example, Tai Chi, Yoga, and Chi Gung are internal and external art forms, combining physical movement with internal practices. Yet, When a practice involves external movement, it is sometimes easy to ignore the internal work. Since meditation is an entirely internal art form, it lingers very close to your true center, your most precious core of what you are, what makes you you unique, what drives you in life, what your purpose is, what you live for. Meditation is a profoundly powerful and intimate practice- (delete dash) and for this reason, you need to be cautious of anyone who claims to know more about it than you. Some people and organizations use forms of meditation to control and manipulate other people. For example, many religions use forms of meditation as a way to convince you that their religion is the one true religion. In other words, some people will use some tools of meditation to try and to convince you that they are somehow a special representative of your true self, of your true spiritual center, or of god. In short, some people will use some of the tools of meditation and mindfulness to convince you that they are somehow spiritually superior to you, that they are a “priest” or “special divine person” of some sort. Whenever these people succeed in convincing others they truly are “priests” with a special phone line to “God” or “The Divine,” these people will then usually ask those people to give them for something, sometimes praise and admiration, usually some money, and sometimes much more. Several times in my life I have welcomed others to direct me in my internal world. I once sat with a couple of Mormon missionaries who guided me through what they probably consider a guided prayer. They instructed me to close my eyes, be still, and feel the gentle warmth of the quiet stillness within. They asked me if I could feel it (add comma) and when I said yes, one of them said to me, “That is the Holy Spirit.” After the guided prayer concluded, I said to them, “I feel the divine beauty of life often when I close my eyes and am still, but I can’t see why one would label this feeling the Holy Spirit. I meditate often and when I do, I often experience profound peace and beauty. When I meditate (add comma) I often sense something beautiful, glorious, and mysterious. But, I think you are making a few big assumptions about this experience that I see no cause to make.” Ironically, the grasping at power and this sense of superiority over others happens in all art forms. If you seek to learn to paint, and you ask a teacher to teach you, you may learn a great deal from this person. Yet, if you learn so much, (delete comma) that you then become a more talented painter than the teacher, many teachers will resent you for it. It is a very human response. A teacher may attempt to tell such students they still know little, they are still learning, they still are lesser than the teacher. Teachers often are attached to the superiority felt in being “the teacher” and often seek to grasp and hold onto this power over students. This same scenario easily unfolds in all arts, practices, and professions. In a way, a meditation teachers is are even more susceptible to grasping at a sense of superiority to their over students- (delete dash) for they are practicing an art form that entwines with ones core central purpose and meaning of their very lives. Imagine if you were a meditation teacher and one day your most amazing student comes to you and says, “I have immersed within the core center of the universe and I see a purpose and meaning to life that you, teacher, are not living teacher. In fact teacher, I can no longer come to you as my teacher, for I feel your actions and path no longer seem correct to me. I must take a very different path. I must take very different actions then than you in my life. I know these actions and this path will make no sense to you. Teacher, thank you for your time, I have learned much from you. Yet, from this moment forward, you are no longer my teacher, you are no longer my superior in any way. You are now simply a beautiful fellow being on this great journey of life. If you wish to be my friend, then perhaps we might talk and learn from one another. I welcome you as my friend and equal. Yet, if you do not want my friendship, but only want me as your inferior, as your student, then I must now move on.” If you were that meditation teacher, how would you react to such a student? Would you be able to say, “Thank you for being my student. I honor your new realizations. I am no longer your teacher and superior. I welcome friendship and equality with you. I hope we can speak more, for I want to better understand your path and actions. I also want to better understand what your thoughts are on my path and actions. I am open to learning and know I may be mistaken about some of my beliefs and habits in this world. It may be I now have more to learn from you than you do from me.” Or, if you were that teacher, would you say, “Goodbye student. You do not know better than me. You disappoint me. I am still your superior. I know exactly what I know and why I do all that I do. I know what you are doing is unwise. Good-bye. You will likely be back.” Teachers are blessed gifts on your journey of life. Yet, , but teachers are not perfect beings. You will be able to learn much from them, but you will only be able to learn so much from them. At some point, even the wisest teachers and teachings will restrain you from going further in pursuit of your perfect world. If you continue to learn, you will one day no longer need your current teachers- (delete dash and add comma) and they may hold you back from where you need to go. Great teachers are like all the great and noble lessons and goals attached to the top of the cave, the great circle of possibilities. At some point, once they have helped you up, they are no longer pulling you forward, but instead they are holding you back. So beware of teachers, especially meditation teachers. Beware of any teacher strongly attached to a claim of superiority to you. Beware of any teacher that who expects money or other homage. Beware of any teacher who claims a special phone line to the divine. If you feel good about giving to a teacher than then do so, but once you no longer feel good about it, stop immediately and move on. If you continue to speak with a teacher after moving on, then know they are that he or she is an equal; they are or an acquaintance you have met on the road. They The teacher may or may not see the world before you with greater clarity than you. They , and may harbor lingering desires to guide you, to show you how to live, yet they may not truly know the wisdom you now need. It may be comforting to believe if we simply find that one teaching or one teacher we need, we can rely upon them him for the rest of our lives to guide our passage. Yet, it simply doesn’t work that way. Though billions of conscious beings have walked these paths before, you and you alone are walking this path now. The single wisest teacher you will ever find resides within you, within the internal world you experience while meditating. Let go of the desire to find someone you can trust fully with your entire being and instead, trust in yourself, your feelings, your insights, and your learning with every fiber of your being. You will always be your greatest teacher. Essay 5: My Drug Addicted Daughter My daughter is a drug addict and she is unhappy. I attempted to speak to the forces inside her that keep her trapped in her cage. I attempted to release her. For because a person is not their her cravings. Our cravings are forces unto themselves. So, I spoke to them. I demanded her release. The forces inside her have not responded (add comma) and I simply do not have the power to move them. Only my daughter, Demitri, has such power whether she knows it or not. No one can reach inside another and face down their demons for them. We cannot control other people any more than we might control the changing tides. I want to scream, “Release yourself right now from your cage and misery (add comma) Demitri! Please Demitri, free yourself.” But my words are powerless. I have sought in my life relentlessly for happiness and truth. I want the truth. I want to know the truth. Perhaps the truth is that Satan is a real person. Perhaps the truth is that Satan looks like a punk rocker. Satan says to all his minions, “All we want in life is to get high and fuck (add comma) right?” He says to them, “All we want is to get high, rock and roll, and fuck (add comma) right?!” And his people reply, “Yes!!! All we want is to get high, rock and roll, and fuck.” And perhaps the truth is that my beautiful daughter is now one of his people. It is so deeply sad. She doesn’t know how to escape. She doesn’t know she has the power to escape. My daughter doesn’t know how to simply laugh at Satan and his silly punk rocker outfit, his fake designer jeans, his piercings, his bad boy tattoos, and his suave ass sunglasses. My daughter doesn’t see that Satan is a loser. Satan is simply a loser poser wannabe. He is simply manipulating you her because you are she is letting him manipulate you. I want to say, “Tell him to fuck off. Tell him, you will seek your own happiness in life. Tell him that right now!” Sigh. I want the truth. I want to know the truth. Tell me universe. I wonder if the truth could help Demitri? Why can she not see that she is a mighty being, in control of exactly half the universe, the universe that begins at the edges of her skin? She, like all of us, can control her half of the universe…if she just tries and…if she does…then I will give her anything she needs. Anyone giving who gives life a solid effort, I shall gladly meet you half way. You must meet me half way though. I have journeyed in this crazy dangerous unknown world. I can’t save Demitri. I write to her these words: Demitri, only you can save you. I am sorry you have been banished from your mother’s home, but I see why they she banished you. You have lost your way. You are destroying lives around you in obedience to the demon of your addiction. I too left your mother’s home as you know. We divorced some years ago. I too am somewhat an outcast from that world. I too know what it is like to be inside that kingdom, to be allowed to sit in comfort, eat, watch tv, and to be loved by your mother. I know what that life is like, and I left it. You saw me leave it. I am like you. In fact, I am uniquely like you. I know what the life you want back so badly was like. I saw it. I lived it. I was there. No one else you talk to these days knows that world that you are talking about. I do. I know it. That world is not all that special Demitri. I chose to leave it (add comma) you know? I was not banished but rather, I simply left it. There are countless amazing worlds to explore in this life- (delete dash and add comma) and I am relishing my new adventures, my new life. I am out here in this universe with you, meeting you half way between where you are and where you want to be because we share a special connection, now and forever. Look where you want to be (add comma) Demitri. Look where you want to be and go there. You want out of the hell you are living in right now? If you want that, then look where you want to be and walk straight to that, don’t look back, don’t talk to anyone, simply, walk out of the hell you are in and keep walking. When someone says to you, “Wait Demitri. Don’t go without me. Don’t leave yet. Wait for me. Wait until I am ready,” as Gunner, your meth addict boyfriend said to you two years ago…simply ignore the siren song and keep going. Walk away and don’t ever look back. Walk towards the people in this universe who truly love you. Walk towards healthy happy people and they can help you find your way. Demitri, look to where you want to go in this universe, and head that way right now. That is all I can really tell you. Until you do that, there is little help I can give you. Meet us half way (add comma) and we will shower you with our love and welcome you home. Until then, know I love you and you will always hold a special place in my heart. [I sent this note to my daughter on this date XX/XX/XXXX. As of today, she continues to wallow in misery, a slave to wants from which she does not see how to free herself.] ________________ Reflection 4 Right now, reflect upon your life, and rate how happy and fulfilling your life is, with zero being totally unhappy and unfulfilling and 10 being the most amazing life you can imagine. Write down your answer in a journal or mark it on this scale. 🡨---------------------------------------------------------------🡪 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Part II: Applying Mindfulness To Relationships and Interpersonal Actions In section one we explored how to use mindfulness to help you be a happy healthy person, making mindful decisions on your individual life path. Now we will explore some ways that you may take mindful actions specifically in your relationships with other people. Use Mindfulness and Meditation Practice as a Model Earlier we discussed how we might consider each meditation sit as a visit with your friend Stillness. You can then think of anything that arises during your practice, any thought or feeling for example, as a person “crashing” your visit, joining your visit with Stillness without necessarily being invited. Your meditation practice then becomes an effort to gently and skillfully host a very intimate social gathering in your consciousness. I encouraged you to not try to aggressively manage this personal experience of meditation, your visit with Stillness, by trying to force the uninvited visitors to leave. Instead, welcome them and invite them to visit with Stillness (add comma) also. Over time, with gentle skillful effort, you, Stillness, and all that arises within your practice can become friends and allies. You can learn to help and learn from one another. Don’t hate anything that arises within you, but rather seek to live with all aspects of yourself harmoniously. Now, as we begin to explore applying mindfulness to our interpersonal life, we can transform this metaphor from idea to reality. To practice mindfulness with people is to treat them with the same gentle patient respect you treat those visitors that arise within your consciousness during your meditation practice. When a person is people are in your presence, they have arisen from somewhere. It doesn’t really matter where they came from, just as it doesn’t really matter where a memory emerges when it arises in your consciousness. The person is here now. So once in a while, when you are with a person, allow yourself to take a moment to welcome them him to this moment and honor their his existence. When you do this, your friend Stillness helps you and joins you in this effort. Anytime you are with another person, take at least a brief moment to appreciate them her mindfully. Consider for a moment the amazing events that have happened over the eons of this universe that have brought you and the person standing next to you to this moment. Whether the person is pleasing or unpleasing to you, strive to simply accept their her existence as they are she is in this moment with the same gentle compassion that you strive to offer your own thoughts and feelings as they emerge in your meditation practice. When a person is making a lot of noise, talking, asking, acting, and perhaps interacting with you, you do not have much control over them him. You can influence them people some perhaps with your actions, but you cannot ultimately control them, nor is it healthy or necessary to try to do so. This again is very similar to your relationship with thoughts, feelings, and memories that arise during your meditation practice. Welcome those and that which arise with gentle attention. In the upcoming sections, we will explore specific examples of how to practice skillful, mindful action in our interactions with people. Yet , but the basic principle is simply practice what you practice every time you meditate. Be gentle. Be compassionate. Know that you do not control thoughts, feelings, or people but you do control your attention and your effort. You do control your actions. Accept what others are and what others do as simply a part of reality, a fascinating part of your experience. It is what it is (add comma) and it is ok. Then choose skillful action to gently help make things better, recognizing you have limited influence, and that too is ok. A person yelling at you or attacking you in some way is no more offensive than lightning striking a nearby tree and dropping a branch your way. Don’t fret that you are not Zeus controlling the lightning, but rather recognize your internal power to be like Odysseus and mindfully attend to the danger of the falling limb. Then, like Odysseus, laugh and smile at the glorious power and energy the lightning shows you from the heavens, and perhaps carve a beautiful sculpture or craft a tool from the wood newly gifted to you. This is what it is to mindfully navigate your world. Different Levels of Ruts When we practice meditation and mindfulness, we are practicing how to gently and skillfully interact with our most intimate reality, our thoughts and feelings, our impulses, aversions, hopes, dreams, fears, and pains. As we skillfully and honestly grow to understand all these aspects of our most intimate inner world better, it inevitably leads to growth and change. When our understanding of our world changes (add comma) then inevitably we feel pressure to allow our worldview to change. When our worldview changes (add comma) then we change. We become a new person with a new reality. As we change we then find ourselves naturally moved to bring change outward from our inner world and into our external reality, into our interactions with the world. Every step in this process is difficult because it involves changing an established behavior pattern, which is akin to breaking out of a rut. Changing how you interact with unpleasant thoughts and feelings is hard. It may take a while before you can truly do this. Changing how you see your life and honestly examining your beliefs about what you want, what you have, and where you want to go, is hard. It may take a while before you can truly do this. Yet, even if you master both these levels of personal insight and understanding, you may struggle with the next level of mindfulness and change: interpersonal mindfulness. I’ve seen people who have practiced meditation and mindfulness for years, who have gone to numerous ten-day meditation retreats, yet interact with other people in remarkably unskillful ways. It seems to be easy for some practitioners of meditation and mindfulness to put life beyond our personal bubble into a different category and allow it to remain a place where ignorance, denial, and disinterest rule. In a way, we all live our lives in multiple different contexts. We have our personal inner world. We have our most intimate relationships, our partner and our immediate family. Indeed, eventually many of us may find we have two profound family contexts, the one in which we are the child and the one in which we are the parent. Beyond this, we have the context of our school or workplace. Then we have the context of different social realms and groups in which we participate. In every different context in which we establish comfort and familiarity, we also establish expectations, viewpoints, and behavior patterns- (delete dash and add comma) all of which can evolve into very challenging ruts. You may learn to be mindful and skillful in one realm, yet struggle to apply the same mindfulness to others. Every context holds unique challenges for you to navigate it in a healthy thriving manner. The most classic example of this challenge of context pushing us into old unhealthy behavior patterns is often with parents and siblings. Many adults who live mature respectable lives find themselves regressing to bizarre childlike behaviors when they interact with their parents- (delete dash) or with a particular sibling. With parents, they may find they suddenly feel and act like a child again. With a sibling they may find they argue like jealous children fighting over a toy. In both situations, it is merely a matter of slipping into a behavior pattern that has carved a deep rut in our consciousness. Ruts are hard to escape from. So the bridge between the personal practice of meditation and mindfulness and our interpersonal life is not to be taken lightly. This next step in your journey, in your mindful pursuit of happiness, may be more difficult than anything else you have done to this point. As I said, in my experience many committed practitioners of meditation and mindfulness never fully cross it. To begin to apply mindfulness to our interpersonal worlds- (delete dash) in every context and situation in which we live – (delete dash and add comma) we must begin to think afresh about the purpose of all our human relationships. The Purpose of Human Relationships What is the purpose of human relationships? Why do you have them? Have you ever stopped to ask that question? Have you ever thought to yourself, my life might be better if I simply lived alone in the woods and never spoke to another person? If you are an introvert like myself me, then you probably have had a thought like this before. If you are an extrovert, you may find this topic absolutely strange and bizarre, like asking, “What is the purpose of eating?” Yet, there truly are no stupid questions. (In fact, you might indeed want to think about the purpose of eating sometime.) The difference (add comma) they say (add comma) between an extrovert and an introvert is that an extrovert is energized by social interaction while an introvert tends to be drained by social interaction. While I think this is a useful simplification of what is going on, I think it is also one of those simplifications that can make us miss an opportunity for full understanding of what is really happening. I am an introvert, yet some social interactions are amazingly energizing and life enhancing to me. Likewise, I suspect even the most extravagant extroverts are sometimes drained by certain social experiences. Moreover, if you, whether introverted or extroverted, take the time to understand why different social experiences feel differently to yourself, you will learn to see those social interactions with more insight and you will then learn to navigate them more skillfully- (delete dash) to the benefit of yourself and the people around you. To begin to gain deeper understanding of how our social world impacts us, we need to understand why we engage in these social experiences at all. After all, if you want to know how to be successful at any activity, then you have to have some inkling of what success looks like- (delete dash and add comma) and this means having a vision of what you want to achieve. Are we trying to achieve something with our relationships? Do we have a goal in mind when we interact with someone? Know Your Goal If the goal of your life is to be a happy healthy person, then consider what is your goal in your human relationships? What do you want from other people? Why do you interact with them at all? If an alien from another planet asked you this question, what would you say? Stop for a moment and consider your answer. Next time you sit down to meditate, perhaps let this question percolate through your consciousness and see where it takes you. What do you really want from other people in this world and in your life? I suspect the most common answer to why we maintain human relationships is “loneliness,” but what does that really mean? If we did not maintain human relationships, friendships, etc, then we would feel alone. We would have no one to talk to. We would have no one to do things with. We would have no one to share our experiences with. Why is that so terrifying to most people? This is a great question to explore, for it holds the key to one of the most fundamental aspects of our being. I encourage you to contemplate this. On the other hand, if we ignore the nefarious and nebulous fundamental emotional need for human companionship for a moment, we can see a host of other reasons for our human relationships. Indeed, we often interact with people for a wide variety of practical reasons. Sometimes we need their help. Sometimes they need our help. Sometimes we are compelled by circumstance to cooperate or work together. Sometimes we are merely both in the same place at the same time crossing paths. Some people we are seemingly tied to through some aspect of our life narrative. Sometimes either through specific events or circumstances we find ourselves repeatedly in the presence of certain people like we are two planets orbiting one another, held together by some invisible force. There are countless pragmatic causes of our human interactions and relationships. People are also fascinating (add comma) and they are often amazing sources of joy. Some activities are only possible or are simply more fun when experienced with others. Sometimes we are drawn to learn about people, fascinated by what makes them tick, just as sometimes we might be fascinated by a sunset, an idea, or a work of art. Some people simply make us smile and laugh and we don’t fully understand why, yet we feel drawn to them nonetheless. What is the purpose of our human relationships? What is our goal? The answer is: It depends. It depends upon the situation. It is context dependent. Therefore, to skillfully and mindfully interact with any other person at any time, you must first be mindful of why you are in the social situation in which you find yourself. Once again, we are brought to a realm of our thinking in which it may not be immediately comfortable to ask probing questions, to seek mindful understanding. Think of any social interactions you have upcoming in your future that you are not looking forward to, or worse, are genuinely dreading. Why are you going to engage in those situations at all? Are you doing it because you have a very clear and good reason, a reason that is clearly tied to enriching your world and enhancing your life? Or are you going to engage in those unpleasant social situations because “you have no choice.” If you ever find yourself saying the latter, then it is a good time to ask yourself, “Is that true?” A common trap people fall into is when we are with family. Sometimes we have family members that who are extremely unpleasant to be around. We may find them suffocating (add comma) or infuriating or perhaps even emotionally traumatizing. Yet, we continue to interact with these family members on a regular basis- (delete dash and add comma) often regretting the experience every single time. Why? Why do we put ourselves through this? Here is a life tip for you: “being with family” is not a purpose in and of itself. You are not achieving something beneficial in life simply by spending time with people you are genetically related to. You need to see a more clear and specific goal when you spend time with people, even family, or else you will find yourself wandering aimlessly through the brambles, getting needlessly cut and bruised. When I interact with family, I am doing so because I want to catch up. I want to learn about what is going on in their life lives. I want to share what is happening in my life. I want to reminisce about growing up together. I want to laugh and have fun. In short, I want to share my love with them and feel the warmth of their love for myself me. If a certain family member is interacting with me in a way that seems to destroy my ability to achieve these goals, then that is a problem and that needs to be skillfully, and most likely immediately, addressed. People do not get a permission slip to behave in whatever manner they wish with me simply because they are family. Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, sometimes a social interaction is unpleasant and challenging. Whether the social interaction is with a family member or a coworker, the skillful path through the situation is to know your purpose, mindfully assess the situation, and take skillful action. Do not do anything simply because that is what you have always done. Do not feel you must accept the behaviors of others simply because you have always accepted it in the past. That is the opposite of mindfulness. That is behaving like an automaton. Rather, pay attention to why you are doing something and then thoughtfully take action to move towards your goal while doing it. This is true of any task, but even more so in human relationships. You always have options. You can move away from people, leave a social space. You can also directly address problematic behavior from people. In different situations, different approaches are the most skillful and appropriate. If you choose to engage with a challenging person, especially if it is with someone who where you have established a pattern with (possibly over many years of interaction), then you need to engage mindfully, so that you can avoid the traps and pitfalls that come up. Learning to mindfully interact with other people in social situations is not easy. Yet, it can be learned with patience and practice. Moreover, learning to mindfully interact with others will help transform your social world from a world full of dark corners and dreadful monsters, into a rich world of ever more fascinating stories, adventures, and amazing relationships. The more mindful you are with others, the better your life will be, and the more positive your effect on the lives of others will be. So let’s explore how to be mindful in our social interactions. We shall begin with one of the fundamental aspects of social experiences: communication. Chapter 14: Mindful Communication Communication with other people involves a rich tapestry of experiences, our reactions to those experiences, and the actions we choose following those experiences. Each of these elements occurs constantly and often simultaneously in every interaction we have. Communication is contained in what we say and in what we don’t say. Communication is contained in our behavior, our facial expressions, our body language, and in where we place our attention. For example, simple eye contact is an enormously significant and substantive form of communication. Communication is every bit of information that flows between us as conscious beings, the subtle and the blunt, the clear and the obfuscated. Moreover, the behaviors we use for communication, like all behaviors, are prone to becoming habits (and ruts). When it comes to communication, it is hard to not simply go with the flow, following old habits and safe familiar patterns in our interactions, especially with people we have known a very long time. Yet, that is the challenge of mindfulness, to recognize and be willing to alter engrained habits, to thoughtfully consider challenging our ruts and routines, and to be open to change. This is why mindfulness may be a challenge unlike any you have ever faced before. On the other hand, work unlike any you have done before will reward you in ways like no other work has before. There are no limits to where mindfulness may be applied in your life. Let’s examine how the skills of mindfulness might be applied to your approach to communication with others by examining different aspects of communication. We shall begin with listening. Listening The most basic skill of meditation is to be still and pay attention to what arises. In essence, the most basic skill in meditation is listening to your experience. Thus, it is easy to see how we might apply this same aptitude for paying attention to the act of listening to other people. To be mindful in your communication with another person, the simplest and most fundamental action to take is to restrain yourself from speaking or acting and to just simply pay attention to the person, in other words (add comma) to listen mindfully. To listen mindfully, you listen to both what people are saying verbally and also pay attention to their facial expressions and body language. Pay attention to what they are doing. Let yourself become lost and fascinated in them as you might if you were sitting in a movie theater watching them move through the opening scene. Perhaps you could increase your curiosity by asking yourself if there is some secret meaning hidden in their behavior, that you are not currently aware of? Often there is a lot of hidden meaning in a person you can uncover if you look for it carefully. People are amazingly complex and deep. To listen mindfully is to strive to appreciate this unique richness in the people around you. When someone is in your presence, listen to him, them- do not merely wait for your chance to speak. Do not focus upon your own internal craving to be heard and understood, but rather, let yourself hear and understand the person speaking with you. The only other focus you may need to keep in mind besides the speaker is your purpose in interacting with this person in the first place. Every day, try to engage in a couple of mindful conversations with people. As you listen during these conversations, hold gently in your mind a crystal clear appreciation of why you are speaking with them. Do you need something from them? Do they need something from you? Or are you both just enjoying a few minutes walking the path of life together at this moment, without any specific needs from the other? Keep in mind at all moments, (delete comma) that you are both walking your path searching for flourishing happiness. They say in non-violent communication, which we will discuss more later, that everything a person does they are she is doing to make their her life more wonderful. As you listen and observe others, consider how this interaction might help either of you achieve your goal of a more wonderful life. Is there something you need? Is there something they need she needs that you might be able to give them? Being in the presence of another person is like hitting a spot of powerful rapids in the river of life. It is easy to get swept away and simply obey your impulses- (delete dash and add comma) which again makes you a passenger not a pilot of your vessel. Use listening as a tool to help you understand what is happening while it is happening. Be clear on about what you truly want at all times, so you don’t miss the opportunities to move towards it as they arise on your journey. After learning to listen to the people around you, then you are ready to consider the next and far more challenging area of interpersonal action: speaking. Speaking Speaking is an extraordinarily powerful action. To speak is to create meaning from your inner world. To speak is to reach your hand into your soul, scoop out a handful of your spirit, and to then sprinkle this essence over the people who can hear your voice. Truly, it is like throwing magic fairy dust into the air. To speak mindfully is to speak with the same level of respect, care, and joy that you might spread such magic if you were indeed an ethereal fairy. In other words, to speak mindfully is to speak with care and skill. If every word uttered from your mouth was in fact subtracted from your vital essence, would you speak carelessly and without thought? Would you recklessly throw your essence into the wind when you intend for it to reach a friend standing next to you? No. And so to speak mindfully is to, if nothing else, be aware of which way the wind is blowing, and wait for a moment when your voice might be heard. To speak mindfully is to first not speak, but pay attention and recognize if your audience is even ready to listen. To speak mindfully is also to choose words that you think will help you and your audience move towards a mutual goal. Presumably, just as your goal is to move towards happiness and flourishing fulfillment, so too is the goal of your audience. So keep those goals in mind. Don’t merely speak automatically, offering whatever words first come to mind. When you are speaking mindfully wait patiently and without any hurry before beginning to speak. If you are to speak mindfully, consider at all times what might you say to help both you and your audience move together towards happiness, towards the good life you both crave? Does it somehow appear that your goals are in conflict with one another, either in fact, or in the imagination of you or your audience? If there is conflict, real or imagined, you may not see a positive path for speaking at all. If you don’t see anything positive for both of you to come from your words, then perhaps you should not speak. Perhaps, you should remain silent or leave the situation? (change to period) Perhaps, it is time to move on in your journey and leave this interaction behind? (change to period) Rarely are the interests of two people genuinely in conflict. Rarely do we stand before a bona fide enemy. Most conflicts of interest are due to poorly considered points of view, either in our mind, our audience’s mind, or a combination of both. Yet, we don’t always have time and energy to reconcile this discrepancy, so some apparent conflicts will persist. Nonetheless, it is important, even when you are not going to engage with a person to attempt to reconcile a moment of friction, that you walk away with grace and gentle respect. In fact, in these cases, you may find it rewarding to stay longer than feels pleasant, to observe, and to listen a bit more before your exit. For often those that who disagree with us most harshly have unique lessons to teach us- (delete dash) for they are viewing the universe from a very unfamiliar point of view to our own. Listening to those that who present seemingly irreconcilable conflict with us may be strenuous, but again, mindful action is not necessarily easy action. The best medicine doesn’t always go down easy easily. Our enemies, both real and imagined, always have much to teach us. When you do choose to speak, then to speak mindfully is to speak honestly. Say what you feel. Say what you think. Speak with compassion. Speak with gentle wisdom. Speak (add comma) and observe your audience while you speak. Do you see your words reaching across the great chasm between your inner being and theirs? Are they listening to you as you call across the Grand Canyon that lay lies between all souls (add comma) or are you screaming into the wind? If you see they are too far away, too distracted to fully hear your voice, then at any time you might simply stop, even mid-sentence, and reconsider your path. Why speak even a single word more, (delete comma) if you are not heard? The most powerful speech is the question. If you truly want to invite a person, whether friendly or hostile, to open their his being to yours, then the most effective invitation to do so is a question. How are you? What are you thinking? What do you think about this? Have you ever…? Why? A question is a beautiful and simple way of saying to another conscious being, “I am interested in what is inside you (add comma) and I invite you to share it with me”. A question says, “I value you and I wish to understand you”. A question can disarm and begin the steps to peace. A question is a simple and powerful spell and its magic works its power as long as you continue to wait for a reply. For some people, you may need to wait a while for a reply, but so long as you do wait, the magic will continue to work its wonders. If you ask a question and you receive no reply, this is a very special thing. What is happening? Why did they this person not answer? Sometimes the answer may be as simple as they he did not hear you or they she became distracted by other conversation. Yet, sometimes a non-answer says quite a bit. Perhaps you are speaking to someone with much to say, yet little trust that you truly want to hear it. A person who does not speak quickly may be practicing mindful communication. They He may be waiting to see if your interest in their the answer lasts more than a brief moment. Why should a person expend time and energy to answer a question, to share a part of their his inner world with you, if you lose interest moments after asking your question? If you clearly see what you need clearly from a person, you might ask for it. If you see something you can give to a person to help them him on their his journey before you part ways, consider simply giving it to them- or at least offering it to them. If you don’t know what they need she needs, but you care about them and want to help them if they ever need, you might simply tell them say, “Is there anything I can do for you?” Although this phrase is often uttered insincerely within the world of commerce, when it is said sincerely (add comma) it is a powerful balm to our human interactions. “Is there anything I can do for you?” is like a spell you cast upon another person that communicates straight to their his or her soul, “I am your friend. Let me help you if you need it.” Silence and Waiting If you are with a person and you are not speaking and you are not listening to them, then what are you doing? You are being silent. You are waiting to see what is next. Learning to appreciate and be comfortable with the act of silent waiting is perhaps the single most powerful and transformative mindful skill to apply to your communication with others. I imagine it is different in some cultures around the world, but in the world where I grew up, silence is often very awkward in social situations. In my experience, people often feel a need in social situations to “fill the silence” if any silence happens to occur during a conversation. Perhaps you feel this impulse to speak to fill the silence when you are with people? (change to period) Or perhaps you feel anxious if silence stretches too long during conversations and you feel relief when others fill the gap? (change to period) Unfortunately, speaking merely to fill silence, to end awkwardness, is not skillful, mindful, or usually very valuable. We are doing no one any favors by filling in empty space of this universe with mindless noise. Instead of filling silence with unneeded speech, challenge yourself to be as comfortable with silence during conversation as you are with stillness while meditating. You don’t have to do anything- (either delete dash and add comma OR use full dash with spaces on each side) ever. You don’t have to hate, fear, or dislike silence. To insist upon filling silence with talking is the equivalent of slamming the door on silence and yelling, “Get out!” Such a response is quite hostile and mean. Remember the lesson on welcoming your visitors? Well then, welcome silence. Silence is a friend of Stillness. Moreover, welcome awkwardness that arises in silence! Awkwardness is a part of growing pains, whether felt alone or in a social setting. Awkwardness aids our personal growth and the growth of our relationships. If someone speaks to you and you are unsure what to say in response, then don’t speak. Instead, wait. Let awkward silence fill the space between you like a strange (add comma) transformative (add comma) magical goo, because that is what it is. When awkward silence fills a room, pay attention. Welcome awkwardness with loving arms. Smile with it. Let silence and awkwardness soak through you and the others in the room like refreshing cold water. Let everyone be affected. Don’t hate silence and awkwardness, but rather relax into it. Soon you will become acclimatized to awkward silence and it will cease to feel unpleasant, but will become truly rejuvenating. At times you will also find that your companions follow your lead and relax into the space you are leaving open. You help others grow at peace with silence and awkwardness by showing them the way. If, for example, your companion just verbally jabbed at you, you might find that when s/he he is met with a gentle open silence (add comma) they retreat he retreats and apologizes for their the attack all on their his own. You may find gentle silence infinitely more effective than your most clever verbal retort or wisecrack. In fact (add comma) a silent knowing smile will likely cause the imaginations of your companions to go wild with their own best guesses as to what you are thinking, and their imaginations may far surpass your actual ideas for how to respond. So let them do the work (add comma) and just watch them weary from arguing with their own imaginations. Think of your moments of intense communication like a tricky traverse of a raging river, (delete comma) where you are stepping stone to stone, with the added bonus of being surrounded by a thick fog. There is no rush. If you rush, you will very likely fall and either hurt yourself or potentially even drown. Ignore the people screaming at you to hurry up, which they will do with both their body language and their words. This is your journey. Move at your pace. And know, just because when other people are screaming that they want “something”, it doesn’t mean that “something” is what they truly need. Maybe your companions need to learn about patience? Just as the best medicine for yourself you isn’t always the easiest to swallow, the same is true for the people around you. If you want to speak, (no comma) but cannot find the right words immediately, you might just find that if you wait and observe the awkwardness of silence, a clear path eventually opens up in your mind fog and you will then know exactly what to say. Don’t fret the tiny windows for speaking that others offer to you but then quickly rip away. If you wait patiently and attentively, a full clear window will appear, and it is better to say what you mean, than to speak quickly yet poorly. If your audience is unwilling to wait for you to speak, then they may not be worth speaking to in the first place. Save your energy for an audience that who is worthy of your voice. Verbal Space Another item to consider is the value and power of verbal space. When two or more people are speaking with one another, then the shared verbal space is being filled with voices. Verbal space is a resource that exists between all the people within speaking range. Some people will snatch and grab at this resource, claiming as much of it as they can for themselves, like they are grasping cinnamon rolls from a desert plate (which I am known to do). To behave mindfully with others, know that you can survive happily without fighting over the crumbs of people’s attention. If you wish to share something and you choose to wait until the verbal space is clear, then you will find yourself duly nourished by your interactions- (delete dash and add comma) not merely by sugary sweets, but by the truly healthful food of the gods, genuine communication. Real communication is a communion of minds, a true crossing of the chasm between our inner worlds, and it is well worth waiting for. We will delve deeper into the concept of verbal space and its relationship to power in later sections. Waiting for the Retreat of the Lizard Before we leave the topic of mindful speech, let us consider those moments in life that are the most intense and most challenging. Let us discuss how to mindfully navigate those moments where the river of our journey is at its most powerful, violent, and dangerous. Often in life, we find ourselves in the middle of powerful high-energy moments, moments of intense emotion. Often these moments are triggered by the words or actions of the people around us. Someone says something that triggers you in some way. Or something happens and suddenly all the eyes in the room are pinned upon you waiting for you to speak. Whatever the specific situation, in these highly charged moments, you may experience what is sometimes called lizard brain. Lizard brain is that experience when your consciousness retreats to the reptilian core of your brain, leaving you staring at your audience like a deer (or lizard) in headlights. This experience is one of our human survival mechanisms, its it’s part of our fight or flight instinct, and in some situations it might actually help you survive. On the other hand, in many situations lizard brain simply makes you stupid and bumbling. If you ever feel your mind retreat into the lizard brain and you are standing there with an audience fixated on you waiting for your response- (delete dash and add comma) I encourage you to reach for your meditation skill of waiting in silence and use everything in your power to…wait! When your fight or flight instinct kicks in, simply take a breath and relax into the silence, into the energy of the moment. The lizard brain may be screaming at you in your head saying, “Say something! Do something! Everyone is looking at you! This is your moment!” But, I encourage you to calmly tell the lizard brain, “Chill out. Relax. Wait.” Your body may still tremble, your heart may still pound, but if you wait, the lizard brain will retreat. I promise you it will. If it does not retreat, then you have not waited long enough. Just wait, take another breath and the lizard will at least back off a bit and blood will return to more of your full brain and you will begin to see some options for what to say or do. Then strive to make a skillful choice. If you need more time, it is almost always an option to say, “I don’t know what to say.” And then wait some more. It is also usually ok to simply ask a question to the last speaker or the rest of the audience. A question shifts the energy of the room off waiting for you to waiting for someone else. A question will also buy you more time to wait-(delete dash and add comma) though it also risks the possibility of the attention energy in the room never returning to you-(delete dash and add comma) but that’s okay. Windows of opportunity come and they go. Pay attention and another window of opportunity is sure to appear, but you may miss it if you are fretting over one you missed in the past, like a kayaker looking back upstream at an untaken turn in the river. In all situations, you are the adult and the lizard brain is the child throwing the tantrum. If you can summon more patience than the child, the child will calm down and then you will more likely successfully navigate these energetic moments. Do not fear or hate the lizard for it is a source of enormous energy and inspiration. Lizard brain lets you know you are alive, but you might need to learn to train it so it doesn’t bite your face off. ________________ Chapter 15: Mindful Relationships Human relationships involve far more than merely communication. Relationships involve experiences, feelings, narratives, attachments, reactions, actions, and more. In this section we shall briefly explore how the skills and aptitudes of mindfulness might be applied to nurture your relationships in powerful and transformative ways in some of these other areas. Letting Go Earlier we discussed the mindful aptitude of letting go. While practicing meditation you will often experience the cycle of becoming aware of things you are attached to, examining those things, seeing you don’t need to grasp at them, and then softly letting them go away, leaving you feeling more free and liberated. The more often you skillfully experience this with attachments, the easier it becomes for you to simply let go of things. Just as “letting go” is a powerful aptitude within your consciousness, it is also an astoundingly powerful skill in social interactions. The key to letting go is to know at your core what you will not let go of, what is truly important in your life. In my mind, I will not let go of my goal of a happy flourishing life. This doesn’t mean that I fear death and will do anything to avoid it, but rather it merely means that as long as I live, I live to flourish- (delete dash and add comma) just as the apple tree lives to flourish until the moment of its death. Other than this fundamental purpose to my existence, everything else in life I might drop like a wet rag if it seems like the right thing to do. In social situations, to be mindful is to know your goal for that situation and know how this minor goal relates to your larger goal of living a happy life. Pay attention to any minor attachments or goals that arise in you while socializing (add comma) and be ready at all times to release these minor priorities to the ether. For example, if you are hanging out with friends simply to have fun, catch up, and enjoy one another’s company, then do that. Focus on that goal. If your group begins debating doing some activity, like going to a bar or party, playing Trivial Pursuit, or climbing a tree, then, to act mindfully, you might hold very lightly to your immediate reactions and preferences regarding each suggestion made. You may feel a strong impulse to help nitpick and debate the merits of each suggestion. Yet, if you want to be mindful in this situation, then you might restrain yourself from such nitpicking and merely focus on your overall goal: a fun time with your friends. Will it be fun to argue over these activities? If not, then simply don’t do it. Sit and wait for the group to choose. Or wait and see if they make space for you to share your opinion. You are always choosing between acting or waiting-(delete dash and add comma) and both at all times are perfectly acceptable choices. If you are with a group of people, with the goal of having a fun enriching time, and they decide to do some activity that you don’t feel attracted to, then you have yet another great opportunity for mindful action. This is where things may get more challenging. Consider your goal in being with these people. Will doing this activity help you or take you away from your overall goal of a happy flourishing life? If an activity a group you are with chooses to do If the group you are with chooses an activity that repulses you, what can you say or do that would be a mindful skillful action? Take a breath and consider your options. You might simply remain still and not go with the group when they move to take action. At some point, one of them will likely say, “Hey are you coming along?” And then you can gently smile and say, “No. I don’t think I want to do that. I’ll stay here.” On the other hand, if an activity seems okay, just not ideal to you, will it be more fruitful to let go of the idea of changing everyone’s mind and instead simply go along? Is your dissent worth a discussion? Sometimes the skillful path is to allow the river of life to drag you a bit off course and wait for the best time to correct the route. The key to mindful navigation of life is gentle (add comma) calm attention to what is happening while keeping in mind what you ultimately want, what truly matters. Our social interactions often involve a million little debates and battles over group actions and group opinions. Most of these battles are irrelevant and beyond your control. Keep calm focus on your actions and your feelings. You don’t need to control anyone else. Simply remain the king or queen of your castle, captain of your ship. Actions do indeed speak far louder than words. Allow people to argue around you if they wish to argue. Yet, know that if the group decides something you disagree with, simply and gently decline to go along. Speak with your actions. You will find that a calm act of defiance of against the group will mindset (Just a suggestion here. I understand what you mean by “group will” but I wonder if others will get it or be confused by what looks like a verb but is really a noun. You can also just leave off any noun and end with the word “group”.) influences and inspires others as much if not more than any eloquent and impassioned speech. Every choice in life and every path you pursue is but an experiment. We can never fully predict the consequences of our actions (add comma) so hold lightly to your assessments of what is “right” for you or others to do in the moment. You may be far better off paying attention rather than expending energy arguing over your competing predictions of future results. Instead, take the paths that feel good to you and let others do the same. To act mindfully is to let go of any impulse to control others, yet to very thoughtfully and skillfully control your own actions. Learning to let go of minor preferences in your social interactions will help you be more authentic and much more easy going to with your friends. This will make them more at ease and more open to your suggestions, feelings, and desires. People will also learn to respect you for always doing what feels right to you and not being attached to following a crowd or obeying social norms. Social etiquette is just a set of rules, cultural habits- (delete dash and add comma) some of which may be quite unhealthy or even harmful. To mindfully socialize, you must skillfully choose what you do, regardless of what any people or any societal rules say you should do. To mindfully socialize will mean at times going against the grain of the group will. This may not be easy, but again, the best medicine doesn’t always go down easy easily. Mindfulness is not the easy path- (make this a true dash with space on each side of it.) it is the healthy path. Returning to our group of friends, suppose they all decide to go to a bar. Suppose you find that action unattractive and you can think of many more nourishing things to do. Instead of trying to change the minds of people in the group, you can simply say, “I don’t want to go to the bar. I think I’ll go or for a walk instead. You all have fun though!” Now your friends may try to change your mind, or they may try to find an alternative group activity that you want to do (add comma) too. Again, you can choose to observe and participate in this, or you can call it a day and go on your way. You only need to focus on mindfully controlling your actions. You can’t control others and you don’t need to try. Simply act in authenticity with your own needs. People who are offended or bothered by you acting mindfully in awareness of your own path to happiness are most likely overly attached to the idea of controlling others. It is also possible such people are jealous of your ability to act independently. Be gentle and compassionate with such people, but know their issues are their issues. Focus on your path, let go of the trivial distractions, and you will find yourself mindfully and happily navigating social situations with a comfort and lightness you may find truly refreshing.[12] Loving, Welcoming, Forgiving In the first section we discussed how learning to love and forgive yourself for whatever happens during meditation is a powerful and transformative skill. I challenged you to not “slam the door” in the face of anything that happens to arise in your meditation, but rather, to greet everything with as much warmth as you can muster, say hello, and even embrace it with a mental hug. This exact same approach is a very mindful and skillful approach to dealing with your fellow humans, some of whom may be quite…difficult. At times you will find some people boring, irritating, or even offensive. These feelings when they arise with other people are no different than those feelings when they arise while you are alone with yourself meditating. You may feel tempted to cut yourself off from the person who is triggering these feelings to arise. You may at times feel tempted to strike back verbally at a person or group of people irritating you in some way. All these temptations are your inner reactions to the events you are experiencing. Yet, to act mindfully is to not allow our reactions to decide our actions. Instead of blindly obeying your reactive instincts to respond to people who trigger unpleasant emotions, the mindful action is to wait. Simply wait. Take a breath. Patiently examine what is happening, what you are feeling, and consider what you want from your current interaction. Make an effort to welcome the unpleasant emotions and the people who seem to be triggering the emotions. Don’t slam the door on them. Rather, observe them with gentle open-minded interest. What is happening? What am I feeling? Why is this person doing what they are he is doing? Why do they does she seem to be affecting me this way? What are they is he trying to achieve in this moment? What do they does she want? Just as with the thoughts and emotions that arise during a meditation sit, allowing yourself to gently explore and examine the emotions and events of a social interaction will lead to deeper understanding. The richer your understanding of something, the more nuanced and effective your actions to respond can become. In social situations, we often feel an incredible pressure to respond quickly. It is as if we all agree there is some sort of clock counting off seconds (add comma) and you have to speak or act within the allotted time or your are breaking the rule. In fact when you wait, you are breaking a rule, a social rule, a social norm-(delete dash and add comma) yet some rules deserve breaking. When a social situation gives rise to a challenging emotion, throw the social norms out the window, and simply stop and wait. Give yourself some time to gain better understanding of where you are and what is happening. You will be amazed by the improvement of your decisions if you simply exercise your power to pause and wait a bit longer before acting in automatic response. Breathe a few breaths. Count to ten. Perhaps even go for a walk. After you wait, when you are ready, then choose a skillful action that helps get you to where you want to go. Waiting doesn’t guarantee a perfect choice, but it almost always improves your odds. When someone verbally jabs at you, then consider why you are interacting with the person. Are they a friend, a family member, a coworker, or someone else? What is your goal in your interaction with them this person? If you have absolutely no purpose or goal in a social situation, then just leave the situation, and ignore any social rules of etiquette that you think might trap you therein. When it is time to leave a situation, then it is time to leave the situation, so smile gently, and leave. Don’t slam the door on your way out, but gently and graciously walk away. If you have a genuine core purpose or goal in a social interaction, then focus on that goal and ignore all the other potential “accomplishments” your mind might suggest you try to achieve with the situation. For example, your mind might suggest “you can really one up this person by making this cutting wisecrack!” On the other hand, you then need to stop and skillfully consider, “Will one upping this person help me live a happier life? Will a cutting verbal retort upset this person and make them him defensive and or more hostile to me? Is that really what I want?” Simply the fact that you can strike back effectively at someone who has struck at you, doesn’t mean it is the best thing to do. In fact, doing nothing may surprise and disarm the attacker. To mindfully act socially is to remain focused on your true goal and take actions that you believe help you approach that goal. Sometimes that action is to speak. Sometimes it is to laugh. Sometimes it is to stay silent. Sometimes it is to walk away. Sometimes it may be to start singing and dancing. Next time you are in a challenging social situation, try this approach and pay attention to how your choice of action affects you and the other people present. You might be pleasantly surprised how impactful a skillfully chosen mindful action can be on a situation. A Mindful Communication Example I once worked in the performance improvement office at a public hospital. It was my job to meet with department directors on a monthly basis to help them improve their departments in any of a variety of ways. Some directors loved the methodology my department used to help them improve, while other directors hated us. Some may have even felt the very existence of my department was a mistake! In any case, I remember one meeting with a hostile director who often missed our monthly check in. One day, thanks to my relentless gentle invitations to meet, he finally sat down with me and we attempted to talk about improvement in his department. For the purposes of this story we shall say the directors name was George. George took a seat at the table in my office (add comma) and I asked him how everything was going. George replied that he was incredibly busy. He then launched into an aggressive rant about things my department had done with other departments over the last three years that he felt were mistakes. He described a litany of negative impacts that made his job more difficult and were proof that even just sitting here with me was a waste of his valuable time. His tone was aggressive, his volume was loud, and his eyes were fierce like that of an irritated tiger. (Ok, not that last one. In fact, I don’t think he made a lot of eye contact with me during his tirade.) While George yelled at me, I relaxed into my chair a bit. I released the tension in my shoulders and I listened attentively. I made sure my body language and facial expressions were not challenging or confrontational regarding any particular point he was making- (delete dash and add comma) although inside I was absolutely seeing a different perspective regarding virtually every specific point he was making. A couple of the declarative statements he made towards me I felt were definitively false or at least highly misinformed regarding the full context, yet I made sure none of these judgments were communicated non verbally as my coworker spoke. Instead, I just listened and I waited. Eventually, George ran out of steam and stopped talking. I continued to sit attentively and silently. George was perhaps expecting me to strike back and argue with him. He was probably surprised I didn’t try to interrupt him or at least show some non-verbal defensiveness. Perhaps he was sitting there waiting to battle with any critique I might offer, but I didn’t offer any critique. I sat, looking at him with compassion and attention, and waited. Eventually, his body language changed a bit from a pose of ready counterattack to one a bit more gentle and open. It was a very slight change, but since I was paying attention I noticed it. He then said to me in a much less aggressive voice, “I’m sorry for going off like that. I just don’t know why this is worth my time.” As I sat in silence following the director’s mini tantrum, I was not sitting there calculating what effect my silence would have on him. I was sitting silently, because I genuinely did not know what I could say to take this dialogue onto a healthy path. I absolutely refused to speak simply to fill the silence or because he was expecting me to speak. As I said before, if you don’t know what to say, then the mindful action is likely to not say anything. If you don’t know where to step to cross a dangerous obstacle on your path, then don’t step anywhere. Wait until the fog of mind moves in the winds of experience and soon enough you will see at least the beginning of some clear steps you might take. You may even see a genuine path around an obstacle if you wait long enough. Waiting both helps you see and waiting itself allows the situation to change naturally on its own. When George relaxed and apologized for his rant, he was reacting to my silence. He relaxed his defenses and opened himself to a potential line of productive communication. After he said, “I’m sorry for going off like that. I just don’t know why this is worth my time,” a bit of the fog cleared for me. I suddenly saw a path forward; I saw a positive thing for me to say. I said gently, without any tone of judgment or rebuke, “I have no interest in wasting my time either. My job is to help you improve your department. Every director is expected to write and implement a performance improvement plan. I can help you do that, but I don’t have to. If you prefer to do it on your own that is perfectly fine with me. Just tell me what you want to do.” Then I stopped talking and waited. The silence was again somewhat painful and awkward. Eventually George sighed and replied, “You’re right. And I want your help with it. I just don’t want to waste time.” I nodded and then said, “I am on the same page with you there. It is your plan. You decide what you want to improve. What things are you already hoping to improve this year in your department?” The discussion flowed rather painlessly from there. Thanks to some gentle mindful communication, George and I found a mutually beneficial path forward in that discussion despite the verbal violence with which it began. Mindful interactions are very much akin to Tai Chi as a physical art form. Tai Chi is a physical art of gentle wisdom. In Tai Chi you are taught that when you are attacked, do not attempt to block it directly, rather let the attackers blow carry them forward and off balance. You simply move gently enough to allow their violence to carry them. You at all times stay on balance, stay mindful, attentive, and aware. If you are ever attacked in life, the attacker does not need to become your focus or purpose. An attacker is merely a moment of violence that arises in your universe- (delete dash and add comma) really no different than a falling tree or a burst of lightning from the sky. Your life goal never changes and the attacker is merely a transient obstacle. To move past this obstacle, you only need to expend what energy you need to in order to either positively interact with the person or move on. Your interactions are not about winning every little encounter like it is a battle. Your interactions are more a brief partner dance you participate in so that you might continue to celebrate life, moving to the rhythm of the most powerful, important, and beautiful melody you can hear. Meditation and mindfulness help you hear this melody at all times in all moments. Rage and Heartbreak No violence is more intense then the violence that can arise from heartbreak. A while back, I had a unique opportunity to help a friend who was struggling to face emotional violence triggered from a breakup. (Be sure you are not using their real names here.) I was back home in Maryland where I grew up and my dear old friend was getting a divorce. She had been married twelve years and finally had come to terms with the reality that she and her husband Brad were no longer a healthy partnership. She asked for a separation and finally a divorce. When I came into town (add comma) she was in the process of moving out of her house- (delete dash) and struggling with the sporadic outbursts of rage and jealousy from Brad whenever she had to spend time with him as they negotiated the pragmatic details of separating assets. My friend, Kelly, shared with me some of the stories of the emotional violence she was experiencing with Brad. In fact, on one occasion, Brad’s emotional violence had escalated to a burst of physical violence, where he had shoved her front door open and screamed into Kelly’s house before finally leaving her alone. Kelly was now sincerely afraid of being alone with Brad. Kelly told me that she and Brad had found a buyer for her house and they needed to sign papers at the escrow agency. Yet, , but Kelly was afraid to spend any time alone with Brad again. She asked if I would be willing to go with her, to just sit with her so Brad could not snipe at her without a witness. I immediately agreed. Placing oneself in the middle of intense emotional conflict is not a particularly attractive activity to me- (delete dash) as I imagine it would not be for anyone. Yet, a request for help is a special thing in this world- (delete dash and add comma) and how often do we have a clear opportunity to help a person who feels threatened in a sour relationship? Stories of emotional and physical abuse so often involve a lone person desperately struggling alone against an out of control aggressor. Kelly was giving me a beautiful gift in allowing me to attempt to help her- (delete dash) by merely putting myself in the terribly awkward position between her and her estranged husband. The hour and a half I spent that day with Brad and Kelly was amongst the most bizarre, awkward, and intense of my life. Brad questioned and challenged my presence, I sat and smiled gently, striving to lighten the situation and hopefully put Brad at ease. Kelly explained, “Matt his here to be with me and support me.” For the first thirty minutes of or so, Brad pretty much ignored me. After filling out some paperwork at the escrow agency, we met Brad back at their old home. Per Kelly’s request, I hovered around Kelly as she and Brad negotiated some of their final decisions regarding possession of kitchenware and furniture. I helped Brad dismantle their old wooden bed and helped him carry some furniture out to his truck. Eventually, Brad began acknowledging me and then speaking to me. Towards the end of the encounter, as we walked into the kitchen, Brad said to me, “I don’t know why she wants these pots and pans, (change comma to period) She always said she hated to cook!” As he spoke he was looking at me for affirmation and support. I gazed at him gently, neither affirming nor countering his claim. As we continued to move items around, Brad began escalating his rhetoric and complaints to me, sharing quips and mini rants with me like he might a friend or a stranger in a bar. Again, I gave him my attention, but I strived to not encourage his venom and anger in my non-verbal responses to his speech. I could feel his pain and anger as it seethed beneath the surface. After the last items were loaded into the truck and items were all tied down, the three of us stood in the yard. Brad looked at Kelly and said, “I wish I hadn’t come over that day…” (use 3 dots for a full ellipsis) referencing a day when Brad dropped by unannounced and without permission and observed Kelly hanging out with another man in her living room. Kelly responded, “I wish you hadn’t (add comma) also.” Not bothering to She did not reiterate that Brad knew she was dating and was asked to never drop by without warning in order to respect her privacy. Brad then looked at me, “Did she tell you about that?” His eyes were fiery with heartbrake heartbreak and jealousy, searching my face to see if I might sympathize and join his displeasure with Kelly’s behavior. The volume of this inquiry showed he was ready to burst, finally willing to allow himself to speak more aggressively despite my presence. Kelly stiffened at Brad’s escalated volume and said, “I’m going inside now. Drive safe.” She then turned and escaped into the house. As Kelly walked away, I faced a momentous and immediate decision. What do I do now? Standing with Brad who had just began begun to behave in a verbally aggressive and threatening manner, do I follow Kelly into the house? Brad’s tone had clearly escalated and his next action was utterly unpredictable. His last few remarks were clear attacks directed towards Kelly. As I stood there, I wondered what action now on my part was the most skillful, the most mindful to aid in the healing and resolution of all this pain? Not knowing what to do, I did nothing. I simply stood still. I waited. I gazed at Brad. I did not stiffen. I did not rise up aggressively before him. I merely stood there, waiting, patient, and peaceful. Brad again questions questioned me, “Did she tell you about that time I came over? Did she tell you about her new boyfriend? She has gotten laid more often in the last month than I have in the last three years!” The His words were spitting out towards me like a lawyer making a heated final argument in trial. My mind wondered what was going on in Brad’s head, was he thinking he had some right to sex with Kelly and had been betrayed? Yet, though I stood a bit perplexed with the worldview Brad was seeming to speak from, I merely stood quietly and attentively, offering no outward judgment of his words- (delete dash and add comma) yet vigilantly attentive of his present actions. As Brad spoke these anger filled words and I continued to contemplate their meaning, I then noticed an opening in the fog of my indecisiveness for what to do. I saw a clear path potentially worth following (add comma) so I carefully chose some words and spoke. I said, “I’ve felt the type of pain you are feeling Brad. I’ve had some horrible breakups. There is nothing to do now, but let her go. Just let her go and move on. She is moving on, so now you need to also.” Brad continued, “I just can’t believe I have wasted ten years with her. Every day she would come home and complain about her day (add comma) and I just sat here, taking it in. I didn’t need to do that. What a waste. What a fucking waste!” And with that last exclamation (add comma) Brad slammed his fist into the side of his truck. The physical violence caught my attention, but I didn’t sense any impending possible further danger- (delete dash and add comma) though I did not turn my back on him for a moment. I stood with Brad, facing him, open to him, attentive to anything he wished to say or offer. I did not retreat or come forward towards him. Instead I simply stod stood there, feeling genuine sympathy for his pain like I might a child weeping over a broken toy. Indeed his outbursts were just as genuine and just as innocent in many ways as that of a child- (delete dash and add comma) although also just as worthy of cautious attention. Both a child and a grown man are capable of acts of unacceptable violence when in such a state. Yet, their actions are influenced by the attitudes of the people around them. I wanted my attitude to convey to Brad that he can and will heal from this pain. After he spoke, I again responded honestly, “She is moving on Brad. She is trying to find happiness. You want her to be happy. Your time together is over. You need to let her go. Let her go and look for happiness. You are a good looking guy, and you will find someone new. It is time to stop looking to the past and begin moving on.” Did Brad hear my words? I don’t know. Perhaps a part of him did hear. Sometimes the best we can do is say what needs to be said and then hope for the best. Whether or not other people hear our words is not in our control. A moment later, Brad opened the truck driver’s side door and got in. I thought he was going to drive away without another word- (delete dash and add comma) and this behavior worried me. But then, to my surprise, he stopped a moment and said, “Take care Matt.” Brad then started the truck and drove away. … Though my interactions with Brad and Kelly that day were gentle and I think skillful, it did not magically heal the wounds that still lay open between them. Brad’s pain and rage were not unlike a surge of emotion that might erupt within my own inner world in response to my own life challenges. I met Brad’s emotion with the same gentle compassion that I strive to bring to my own emotions when they arise. I met his pain with attention, compassion, understanding- (delete dash and add comma) and yet with a firm immutable resolve to find a healthy and reasonable path forward. I don’t know if my gentle compassion got through to Brad that day, but again all we can ever do is try. What happens beyond the realm of our effort is outside our control. Curiosity The final aptitude of mindfulness I wish to explore in the context of relationships is one I continue to personally find the most challenging: curiosity. As we discussed earlier, to sit still for thirty to forty five minutes at a time without extreme boredom you will need to discover and grow curiosity about your inner world. As you learn to have curiosity in your inner world, you will also benefit from bringing curiosity more alive in your outer world. As you interact with people with a more mindful awareness of your purpose and life goal, you will naturally become curious about your personal motivations. You may find yourself at work wondering, why am I talking like this? Why did I do that when I knew it would lead to an unpleasant outcome? You may find yourself spending time with family, where you experience childish emotions that you don’t experience anywhere else, and then wonder, what am I doing? Why do I allow myself to behave in these immature ways when I am with certain people? What am I getting out of this? Am I getting something I really want (add comma) or am I following a rut or an emotional addiction? Let yourself feel and contemplate these questions. This is the type of self-contemplation that will help you grow and evolve. As you learn to understand your motivations and the reasons behind why you talk to the people you talk to, you may eventually begin to feel a curiosity about the motivations of other people. Now that you know why you are spending time with people, you may naturally wonder if others have healthy motivations. You may find yourself in conversations at work, school, or the grocery store and wondering, “Why is this person really talking to me? Do they Does she want the same thing from this interaction as I do?” I encourage you to open yourself to this curiosity. See where it takes you. There are profound things to learn in the landscape of the mundane and the familiar. Why do people do what they do? The more your path and purpose become clear (add comma) the more interesting you might find the choices other people are making. Follow that curiosity where it leads you. When so inspired, ask people questions. A good question is like a glorious work of art; don’t be afraid to throw your paint on the canvas of the moment. Often we pay the least genuine attention to the people we find the most challenging, irritating, or offensive. We notice the things such people do that bother us, but then we ignore much of the other depth and complexity they possess. Next time you are around someone people who you “don’t like”, allow yourself to look at them. Welcome their existence in the world as you would a strange or unpleasant thought during a meditation sit. See if you can appreciate something about them that you never noticed before. People are complex entities, not the caricatures we often draw of them in our minds- (delete dash and add somma) which is something we are especially prone to do of our adversaries. If you have any discomfort or anxiety in social situations, then you will find that feeding your curiosity about other people will lead you to ask more genuine questions. Let curiosity lead you to authentic conversations. Ask people whatever questions you are genuinely curious about. People are fascinating and unpredictable enigmas in this world. Explore them like you might a good book- (delete dash and add comma) even if you just want to skim the table of contents. You may find that if you honestly pay attention and allow your curiosity to pull you forward, the questions that arise for you may feel inappropriate or risky. That makes sense. Most of our social interactions, like most of our routines, are safe and comfortable. Yet, the stimulating and interesting stuff in our universe is at the edges of safety, they and it involves risk and experimentation. If you think of a question or topic that peeks your curiosity, even if it is risky, you might see if you can skillfully and gently roll the dice and ask it. You may find risky questions are exactly the type of questions that open up genuine dialogue with others. Risky questions make life interesting. You are not here to play it safe. You are here to live. (Personal note – love this!) The more you practice nurturing genuine curiosity in your relationships, the more you will begin to recognize that people you once thought of as enemies or adversaries, people you may even tell yourself that you “hate”, are actually just people with motivations and methods you struggle to understand. If you master the art of curiosity to the point you can summon curiosity about your worst enemies, you will then open up a remarkable path to understanding them. Understanding your enemies will also lead to greater understanding and growth in your self. Understanding your “enemies” will often disintegrate your hatred for them and help replace it with compassionate and thoughtful understanding. Such understanding might even change your mind about some of the things you disagreed with your adversaries about so passionately. Curiosity may even help you realize someone you thought was an enemy is in fact a very powerful ally. This won’t always happen, but it will occasionally. Curiosity isn’t so much a force for transforming your world, as it is a gateway to paths you don’t see and that perhaps you haven’t even imagined. Sprinkle a little curiosity in the air around you where your mind fog is particularly thick and watch what magic happens as the mist melts away unveiling new wonders and opportunities. This works especially well if you sprinkle curiosity around the parts of the world from which you feel repulsed. Curiosity, like awkwardness, is a truly magical and mystical force in our social world. Indeed, well-focused curiosity may give rise to serious awkwardness as answers reveal themselves to you that you were perhaps not ready for. Relax and breath into the revelations that curiosity unveils. When curiosity brings you a gift, reward it with your honest thoughtful consideration. Truth and honesty are your greatest allies in this life and to reject their gifts is to follow a pathway to lies and self-deception, a pathway to neurosis and insanity. The mindful path is hard. Happiness and flourishing in this life is hard. Yet, the mindful path is the only healthy path forward. If ever the next step forward is too terrifying or too hard, then stop and wait. Sit and meditate some more. Sit and meditate again tomorrow. Take a breath or take a walk. You don’t have to go with the flow of the river of life. Also, you don’t have to embrace every new revelation as it comes, but challenge yourself to not reject anything outright. Challenge yourself to look at life with eyes wide open, to not submerge your head in the sand. People In this cosmos, which is vast far beyond our comprehension, you are one of the few things that feels, thinks, and can choose how you act. You are a conscious being. This is a tremendous and sacred thing. Strive to remember this even during your most mundane and routine moments of life. And just as you are a glorious and special being, every person you ever speak to is an equally enormous miracle of beauty. You may not always be able to feel the sacred beauty within a person while they speak with you. They may hide it carefully behind layers of belief and a well-worn (add hyphen as I have) mask of behaviors and expectations. Yet, when a person stands before you, no matter how well hidden, their sacred true self is nearby. Strive to see it in those around you. All people have very similar if not identical basic needs. We all seek to survive. We all seek to enjoy our time. We all seek love and understanding. We all struggle to heal from pain. We all struggle to forgive one another. We all struggle to trust. To be mindful in your relationships is to be a person who accepts these universal needs and to watch vigilantly to help bring about a world in which all people are able to satisfy these needs. Relationships are not about competition or conquest. Relationships are about partnership. Take every moment you interact with others as an opportunity to partner together to help create a world in which you can both flourish and be happy. Chapter 16: Mindful Awareness of Power Mindful attention applied to social interactions will open your eyes to things you may not have seen clearly before. Mindfulness will help soften your judgments of people you thought of as adversaries. Mindfulness will help awaken you to the needs and motivations of your acquaintances, friends, and family. People and relationships are far more nuanced then our minds tend to record in our memories- (delete dash and use comma) so a little effort to pay more attention inevitably helps us see new and interesting dimensions. An incredibly important aspect of relationships, which is worth paying a little extra attention to, is power. A skillfull understanding and sensitivity to power dynamics in your relationships, both one-on-one and in groups, will help you navigate those relationships in the most positive and healthy manner. So let’s explore power. The First Great Power in Relationships The first great power you and every person has in a group of people, whether two or two million, is the power to choose whether or not to join (or stay in) a group in the first place. This power is profound although easily forgotten. If you do not join a group, then you are preventing the group from including you in its shared identity. The group may have some power in this world to impact you in some way, but it cannot force you to accept that you are a part of it, nor that you in any way own its decisions. By not joining a group, you are declining to validate the group’s existence, declining to recognize it as an authority or even as something important in this universe. It doesn’t matter if you are choosing between joining a political party or joining a group conversation at a social gathering. The first critical exercise of power you have in relation to any group is whether or not you choose to join it. Thus, you will learn a lot if you pay attention to how, when, and where you choose to join groups and exercise this great power. What groups do you consider yourself a part of? Take a moment and think of a few. Why did you join these groups? Was it a choice or were you born into them? Could you leave them if you wanted to? Do you want to leave any of these groups, yet don’t? Who decides who is invited to join these groups? Is it by birthright or by invitation? Who is welcome to join these groups and who is not? Who is encouraged to actively participate in the groups and who is discouraged? Perhaps more importantly, who decides the answers to all these questions in each of these groups? Is it you or someone else? Are the people who wrote the rules of this group present or even alive today? These questions help discern how power flows through the groups, power that you validate and legitimize by agreeing to be a part of the group. JOURNAL ACTIVITY (It might help to add a special notation throughout the book for these kinds of journaling activities. I did not do this earlier, but have thought that it would be a good idea – maybe set it off in a box.) Right now, sit down and make a list of some groups you belong to and consider some of the questions above. Just as with any other activity in life, to mindfully act in a group you must deeply understand your place and purpose for being a part of it. If we are to act mindfully in a group, we must be mindful of the reason we are a part of the group. If we remain in a group without any reason, we are not behaving mindfully, rather we are behaving randomly or quite possibly obeying the will of someone else, thus surrendering our power. Increasing Your Awareness of Power in Groups Suppose you are part of a group of people eating dinner together. Presumably you have chosen to join this group for dinner, that is, no one has dragged you to the table and handcuffed you to your seat.[13] You are a member of the dinner party at this moment and you could choose at any time to leave. Even at a simple dinner party, power is alive and at work in the room at all times. The Power of Space The easiest way to see power at work in groups is to pay attention to space. The simple question to ask yourself is “Who is given space in the group?” To begin with, who is literally given physical space to participate in the group on an equal, lesser, or greater level than others? If you are at a table, is there a head of the table? If you are standing in a circle, is anyone pushed to the back and less visible to others? Likewise, who is physically the center of group attention? Physical space is a shared group resource that some may have more of and others may have less of. Moreover, space is a physical resource that people in the group may fight or negotiate over- (delete dash and add comma) for the physical space you possess has a big impact on other aspects of power in the group. Whenever you want to better understand power in a group, pay attention to these dynamics over physical space. It will reveal a lot about the group and the people in the group. A more subtle, but perhaps more important resource in a group, whether at a dinner party or in a formal meeting, is verbal space. Who talks the most? Who claims the most airtime for having their voice heard in the group? Are speakers stealing the verbal space like eager children grabbing candy from a recently burst piñata or are they being given this space freely by others in the group? On the other hand, are you in a group in which some people are actively working to be generous and give space to others to speak? Another question to consider, is there any mechanism being used in the group that regulates verbal space, perhaps something that ensures everyone has an equal opportunity to speak? Or is there a system that regulates the verbal space that favors a few “special” people? Or is it a free for all, or worse, an all out war for the verbal space of the group? If there is a group process, such as in a structured meeting, then consider who chose the group process at work- (delete dash and add comma) if any. There is enormous power in defining a group process. Did everyone present help choose and agree to the current rules of the group or are the rules being forced on everyone? Is the group following rules of order created by people long dead? Again, the answers to these questions will help you better understand the nature of the group you are in and the fundamental mechanisms that control the flow of power in the group. Pay attention to how verbal space is managed in a group, whether the group is formal or informal, and you will begin to see power with crystal clarity. Power is always at play in groups. And remember, power is neither good or bad, it is merely a fact in human relationships. To better begin to see power more easily, consider the rules that govern physical and verbal space in each of the following group settings: * A classroom * A social gathering you attended recently * A courtroom * A group of friends in a car with you * A city council meeting * A political rally * A neighborhood meeting * A religious ceremony * A workplace meeting you attended recently Do all people in the groups above hold equal power over the group? What rules govern who gets space to speak in each group? What will happen if someone breaks the group rules about who gets space to speak and when? If you found yourself in one of the groups, what impact would it have if you left or said you did not recognize the validity of the group? You might be surprised how significant your individual power to simply join or leave a group is in every type of group setting you can imagine. Increasing your understanding of your power to validate or invalidate any group will serve you well when we begin to explore mindful political action in section III, but this understanding begins with seeing this power in smaller more personal groups in your world. In fact, if you don’t understand how power works on the personal and social level, you will never understand it or know how to work with it on a larger scale. So pay attention to power because power is continuously shaping the world around you. It might be good to add a box with one or two journaling activities here based on the questions in this previous section. Influence If group power begins with space, both physical and verbal, it ends with influence. Who in your group has the most influence over the group’s decisions and actions? Note, this is not necessarily power over any individual actions, but rather it is power to influence what the group agrees to. For example, some people may choose to leave a group if they dislike a decision, but the decision was still made by the group. Take a moment to see if you can think of any groups in which someone can choose to surrender all verbal and physical space to others, yet continue to hold ultimate authority or influence. There are many examples.[14] If you are at a dinner party, the group decisions being made are probably not life or death decisions, but more along the lines of: What shall we talk about? What game shall we play after dinner? Who will tell the next anecdote? Yet, even with these decisions, power is at play. The greatest influence in a group is often with the same people who hold the most physical and verbal space, thus the reason power hungry people will wrestle over these resources. On the other hand, sometimes a person in a group is silent most of the time, yet holds the greatest decision making power simply because they are well respected, for better or worse. The most influential person in the room may be the most well liked, or they she may be considered wisest (add comma) or they he may just be the boss, or the king, or the owner of the home, or the driver of the car, or the person holding the gun. As you learn to see power more clearly, you may be surprised to discover that the less you fight others for verbal and physical space, the more some people will grow to respect your opinion when you speak. Sometimes gaining power is like one of those Chinese Finger Traps, the more you fight for it, the less you get- (delete dash and add comma) and the key is simply to simply relax. The less you try to force-feed others what you have to give, the more curious and at least briefly open others become regarding what you hold. Then again, this gentle spell can be broken the moment you choose to speak and share an opinion others can easily judge and discard. Power and influence are fickle phenomena. The best rule of thumb is simply to recognize you have power of yourself, your mind, your attention, your actions. Everything beyond that is part of the ocean of the universe in which you swim. You might catch a wave once in a while and go for an amazing ride, but you need to watch out that you don’t get crushed on the rocky shore. Also make sure you have quiet calm safe harbors where you can relax and recharge. A regular meditation practice can help you create those sanctuaries. This is a good place for another boxed journaling activity. Nefarious Influence If you pay attention, you will see deeper, more disturbing, and more impactful layers of group influence. See if you can identify people in any groups who seem to not only strongly influence group decisions, but also genuinely influence (or control) group opinion. The more out of balance power becomes in a group, the greater the ability for a minority to define such things as values and even truth for the entire group. Beware of any group that claims authority over the truth and asks you to subvert your own judgment, observations, and reasoning to their “greater wisdom.” Truth, knowledge, and wisdom are three of your greatest allies on your life journey, so do not surrender your right to individually identify them without carefully considered and mindful reflection. In some groups, the depth of control is truly absurd. You will even find situations where certain people are given the power to decide what is funny and what is not, with the less powerful looking first for subtle permission before laughing at a joke or situation. The opportunities for abuse of such unbalanced power are obviously abundant (add comma) and so it will serve you very well on your mindful journey to be aware of how it moves in groups in which you participate. Power is a dangerous and intoxicating thing, so be mindful if you are interacting with power addicts, for they often make hasty and unhealthy decisions, and often their first priority is to preserve the power they have acquired. To live a mindful life, we don’t grasp at power. We have power over some parts of the universe. We do not have power over others. Power and influence flows all around us, and we are swimming in it like an ocean. We are not here to try and tame the sea, we are here to sail a happy passage. Your Relationship With Power As you begin to see power more clearly, you will inevitably begin to appreciate your own personal power in relationships and groups. You may even begin to gain greater control over how you use power. If nothing else, recognizing and embracing your personal power to leave any group at any time might give you an enormous sense of liberation. It is refreshing to realize none of the power mongers around you have final control over you. You have the power to leave any group you are a part of be it a political party, a family, a religion, or a gang. Power is not good or bad, rather it simply is part of reality. Power is unavoidable. You cannot stick your head in the sand and simply say you want none of it- for because you have it whether you want it or not. In fact, power is much like your life. You have it. You may like it or hate it, but your burden as long as you live is to decide what you will do with it, what you want from it. As you watch the power at play in groups and relationships in your life, you may become somewhat annoyed or even disgusted with some of the oppressive behaviors people display. In fact, you may feel this way already. Have you ever been witness to a relationship where you felt one person was abusing their his or her power over another? Have you ever felt conflicted and frustrated about the limits of what you can do about it? A mindful appreciation of power will help open your eyes to your options for skillful action to effect not only your relationship with people, but the relationships between other people and within entire groups. In short, you have influence over the flows of power all around you, but to utilize this, you must first decide what you ultimately want from it. … Why does an awareness of power matter? Why is an awareness of power important in helping you mindfully navigate life? It is important because you have and are using power whether you are aware of it or not. Moreover, your power is constantly impacting the world around you. Part of mindfully navigating life is to be mindful of your impact on other beings and things around you. Once you can see power in your relationships, you must then decide what your relationship with power will be. How do you want power to work in your relationships with other people? How do you want power to work in the groups in which you participate? Do you want power to be equal and balanced so that all people have a healthy opportunity to participate and thrive? Or do you want yourself and a few select others to have more power and opportunity than others? Only you can answer these fundamental questions. Moreover, only you can monitor whether your behavior matches your answer. Some people genuinely believe the latter option, that a few select people should possess more power than others in this world. Maybe they you believe some people are smarter and wiser than others. Maybe they you simply believe some people are superior to others. Maybe they you just want more of everything for themselves yourself and their your loved ones. In any case, I think they these beliefs are wrong. The more power is imbalanced (add comma) then the more tempting abusing power becomes.[15] I think it makes a stronger statement to make these assumptions personal to the reader. As I mentioned earlier, I like the metaphor of comparing a human life to the life of an apple tree. Just as the apple tree relentlessly seeks for all its branches to flourish and bloom, so too a human being might seek to nourish all aspects of their life so they might to flourish in a balanced (add comma) healthy and happy way. If you can think of yourself as a single apple tree, then you might visualize all of humanity like an apple orchard, like a human garden. If the garden of humanity is structured in a manner similar to a well tended orchard, then every tree would have space to grow, flourish, and produce fruit. If you believe there are enough resources on earth for all people to thrive, then perhaps you will decide that a world in which all people have equal power and equal opportunity is what you crave for humanity. This vision of a garden of humanity is an ideal that appeals to me. I don’t want to live in a world where the few hold power over the many, even if I am one of the few. I want a world of equal opportunity where all people have space to grow and flourish- (delete dash and add comma) and I believe such a world is possible. Creating a Garden of Humanity If you do not want a world in which all people have a balanced opportunity to grow and flourish, if instead you only want some select people to have the best opportunity to flourish, then you want a world with oppression. If you want a world with oppression, I have no further advice for you, (delete comma) because I don’t want that world. I won’t help you with further advice about how to sustain that world on a small or large scale, for that is the world we currently have (add comma) and it is one I am looking for ways to change. (START a new paragraph here) If, on the other hand, you wish to reduce oppression in this world, I have many suggestions for you. (I think it would be impactful to have this sentence standing alone.) For those of you still with me, let us focus on this as a clear goal: a world in which all people have a balanced opportunity to grow and flourish. Since we know what we want to create in our world, we now know what we want from power. We want to utilize power to help create the world we want. This is a healthy use of power. So now, rather than fearing, craving, or feeling shame towards power, we can recognize it as one of the many tools with which we shape our world. Power is neither evil nor good. Let me repeat this: Power is neither evil nor good. (Suggested addition.) It is merely a part of our universe, like earth, wind, and fire. We shall utilize it in appropriate and healthy ways to help create the health and happiness we seek for our world and ourselves. And boy do we have some work to do to get there! You might want to have readers to a journal activity to list or write about changes they wish to see in their world and small ways they can use their power to make those changes. Ie: arguments in family – quiet/stillness etc. Oppression Oppression is any condition in which power is abused. Oppression is where one person uses power to forcibly take a greater share of resources such as space, food, money, and opportunity. Oppression takes a vast multitude of forms. It is a subtle and tricky chameleon. People are allotted less space, resources, and opportunities in groups commonly due to race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, class, nationality, age, clothing, abilities, cultural background, and more. This uneven allotment of resources happens often in every type of human interaction from individual relationships, social gatherings, bus stops, work environments, meetings, and of course larger groups, organizations, institutions, and entire populations. One of the most blatant forms of oppression in my lifetime has been oppression based upon sexual orientation. Until this my forty-first year on earth, gay marriage has been illegal in most states in the USA. This institutionalized bigotry has undoubtedly helped support and validate continued prejudice against non heterosexual (should be a hyphenated word: non-heterosexual) people as long as it continued. Remarkably, it seems the Supreme Court may have taken decisive action to finally end this form of institutionalized oppression. Another very common form of oppression is by gender. I remember taking our car in for work with my wife. The mechanic would come out of the garage and walk up to us. He would then walk up to me, look me in the eyes and begin telling me all the details of what is wrong with our car. At some point, my wife and I had to gently direct him to stop focusing on me, (delete comma) because I don’t know anything about cars and my wife does. She is the one he needed to talk to and give his attention to. Unfortunately, this type of immediate judgment of people’s interest and competency is often made based upon a person’s gender or other physical attributes in all sorts of contexts, in the work place and the world at large. Yet, dismissing a person based upon their appearance is a form of disempowerment, or in other words, oppression. As you observe and participate in groups more mindfully and as you begin to more easily see oppression happen in all its many forms, you will find frequent opportunities to act to either support, permit, or reduce oppression. Ironically, you cannot choose to do nothing to address oppression, for doing nothing inherently permits and supports the status quo. As Martin Luther King so eloquently said, “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” If a friend stood by you and did nothing to help while a power oppressed you, yet the friend could have helped, then your friend is permitting your oppression. Indeed, what would hurt more, the act of oppression or the friend’s inaction to help alleviate your suffering? To choose to stand by silently while someone is hurt is to allow that person to be hurt. This is not to say you are obligated to push back against oppression in every instance big and small when you encounter it, for with your eyes wide open, you will begin to see oppression everywhere. You cannot fix it everywhere (add comma) and you will burn out quickly if you try. Rather, this point is merely to emphasize that you swim in an ocean of entwined relationships with every being constantly impacting others. There is no escape from your ability to impact this ocean in so long as you are alive- (delete dash and add comma) and I love that you are alive for you can do amazing things. Meditation and mindfulness challenge you to face the dark corners of your mind and heart. As you learn to face up to and learn from the darkness within your inner world, you will gain the strength to gaze squarely at the darkness in the outer world as well. I urge you to use that strength. Look at our world. Look at the oppression and injustice that exists all around us. People are suffering in horrible and unnecessary ways due to the imbalance and abuse of power. In the United States and in many democracies around the world, money and wealth have more power than honesty and wisdom. This sad reality constantly leads to laws and actions that, rather than serve the best interests of all humanity, serves the financial interests of those with the most money. Environmental laws are changed to serve corporate interests, rather than the environment. Wars are waged to protect profits rather than to alleviate oppression. Prisons are filled with people oppressed by an inequitable socio-economic system, while the private corporate owners of those prisons are made ever more wealthy. If you walk through this world with a more mindful awareness, with your eyes open, you will see heart breaking pain and ugliness. Your heart will ache as you recognize that our world is a place of gross oppression and intolerably and unjust suffering. The more clearly you see the darkness in the world around you, the more challenging this knowledge and insight becomes. We have far more influence over the evolution of the dark thoughts in our mind and heart than we do over the horrendous suffering of people around the world. Yet, the solution to our heart ache heartache for the suffering of others is not to close our eyes and look away. The solution lay in finding the courage to keep our eyes open, to pay attention, to listen, and to find others who wish to work with us to make things better. Mindfulness is not an easy path, but it is the path that fully embraces honesty and wisdom as allies. Honesty and wisdom do not always lead to pleasure, but they are the only path to truth and that for me is the only route to happiness. An inescapable fact of existence is that you affect others by your actions and your inactions, so your profound and endless challenge in this life is to choose your actions and inactions mindfully. Think again about any groups you identify with. Are you a part of any groups that support oppression in our world? Strive to honestly ask and contemplate that question. It is vitally important. You need to know what your actions and inactions are doing in this world. If you are participating in a group that is systematically oppressing some members of the group, then you have only two choices for how to effect that oppression: You can help sustain the oppression or you can act to reduce oppression. You may oppress or you may liberate. What will you choose? Good place for a journal spot. When To Liberate and When to Oppress? Have you practiced seeing power in the groups you belong to? Can you list examples of oppression you have witnessed? Can you remember any specific experiences of oppression you have had? If not, you are either not interacting with many people, not paying attention, or living in a utopic community unlike any I have ever seen. If you’ve found utopia, drop me a line so I can come visit, (delete comma) because in the rest of the world, people are constantly fighting over space, resources, and power. If you haven’t observed any forms of oppression big or small in the groups to which you belong, then consider it an assignment for this next week to mindfully bear witness to power in groups, whether formal or informal. Power dynamics are always present. Wherever power falls out of balance, then oppression will occasionally happen. It is always there. We cannot escape it. We can only choose how we respond to it. Even groups with a (add article) carefully structured process, designed to preserve equal power for all participants, constantly struggle with an imbalance of power. Consensus is the form of group decision-making designed for exactly this purpose: true equality amongst all members. In a consensus meeting, every participant is defined to have absolutely equal decision-making power. I am a very experienced consensus facilitator. I’ve facilitated hundreds of meetings while participating in the Occupy movement and within communities in which I have lived. I guarantee, even in consensus meetings, power imbalances happen all the time. In fact, subtle power imbalances are much easier to see in a consensus based (this should be a hyphenated word) meeting. Just because everyone agrees that every person has equal power doesn’t suddenly give each person equal power. For example, “one person one vote” doesn’t change the fact that some people are more articulate than others. “One person one vote” doesn’t change the fact that some people are better known or more widely respected than others. You can try to equalize some aspects of power, but you can never equalize them all. You can only strive to be mindful of the flow of power, like a kayaker minding the currents in a river. See when power is flowing in a way that oppresses, and then paddle your oars of action accordingly. When you see oppression, do you attempt to impact it? Do you attempt to liberate the oppressed? Do you attempt to equalize the power? Or do you do nothing, implicitly allowing the oppression to continue? Or, even more extreme, do you prefer the current power imbalances in your groups and even act to increase the oppression? These are all valid options on your path and only you can choose which one is the best. When you are in a group and everyone is trying to work together to make a decision, do you pay attention to the people who struggle to be heard? Do you notice the people who remain silent and either refuse or fail to gain any air time? Do you do anything to help them gain space? If you are a mindful group facilitator, then you watch vigilantly for such events and you take action to change the dynamic in a positive way. A mindful person can also do this in any situation where abuse of power is happening. What relationship does oppression have to your journey toward happiness? How do you want the power relationships to work in the groups you identify with? What is the ideal? It is naïve to presume anyone who honestly considers this question will always say “equality” is the ideal. There are clearly many people alive who enjoy power and probably think the world is a better place when the so-called “right” people have the most power. Indeed, even in a small social setting, you will see that many people find equal power infuriating and ineffective for decision making. Perhaps this is why western mainstream cultures have seemed to settle on the election of leaders as the compromise between the ideal of equality and the efficiency of oppression? (Change to a period) Many people do not even realize, (delete comma) there are alternatives to democracy that may better satisfy the desires for equality and effective group action. In later chapters we will explore at least one of these alternatives. In the next section we will explore some examples of how to mindfully act to liberate yourself and others from oppressive power dynamics in groups. Chapter 17: Mindfully Reducing Oppression Oppression is all around us. Oppression is an ugly and nefarious cause of suffering. Oppression is the abuse of power. Oppression is the actions taken by people in power that directly or indirectly makes life more difficult for others. If you are to live a mindful life, a life in which you are attentive and honest about the world in which you live, then I expect you will feel a desire to alleviate the suffering caused by oppression in our world. I do. Much oppression in the world is created by enormous and entrenched forces that have grown in place over many years. Many of these forces of oppression may appear immune to any possible action you take personally. Yet, if you pay thoughtful attention, then you will begin to see countless opportunities where you might take meaningful action to lend a hand- (delete dash) and make this world a better place. As we discussed earlier, Oppression is everywhere. Do what you can do within the world you live and interact everyday. Also keep in mind, you may be surprised how much power you have to influence the broader world. If we return to our metaphor from earlier, the world is like a garden, and every human life is a plant in this garden. We want every plant in this garden to have room and nourishment to grow and flourish- (delete dash) and to do so in harmony with all the other life forms. In this view, we can think of ourselves as one of the gardeners. We then see, (delete comma) that we can use our gardening skills to keep the garden around our home as healthy as possible- (delete dash) and support efforts to help such healthy gardens to thrive the world over. Let’s explore how we can act to tend the garden of humanity by helping to address oppression. Reduce Oppression By Joining or Leaving a Group Always remember your first power in groups is to choose whether or not to join. By joining a group, you are validating the group. If a group is built on a system in which you see oppression, then you can choose not to not join it or to leave it. You might then join a different group. You might join a group structured in a more egalitarian manner. The simple choice of joining or not joining a group is an enormously powerful act, perhaps even more powerful than any action you might undertake from within a group. Suppose you are a member of a local church or Rotary club. This church or Rotary club is considering doing something that you think is unjust, that you think hurts people. Would you be willing to stand up and say so? Would you be willing to leave the organization if they it followed through with the action under consideration? If you were a part of such an organization, you would have deep social ties within it. (Change period to question mark.) Leaving the group would mean to some extent severing these ties. Every relationship affected by your act of leaving would be a source of intense emotional energy- (delete dash) impacting you and the other parties. Leaving a group can be a very big deal in a person’s life journey. Yet, if you recognize your continual power to leave any group at any time, you will awaken to your true power and importance in the group. If you pay attention to the oppression in the relationships and groups all around you, you will see simple opportunities like the one above where you could take action to address oppression. Remember, we are only talking about your power to walk away. You don’t have to convince anyone of anything. You don’t have to stand up and debate people. Simply being mindful of where you choose to stand and who you choose to stand with, (delete comma) means that you can awaken to see your most fundamental power to influence the world around you. You have far more power than you probably realize. You just may be afraid to use it. Have you ever been walking down the street and witnessed a fight or conflict of any sort, a situation where power is highly visible? What did you do? Did you look away and avoid it? Did you convince yourself that it has nothing to do with you? Or did you gently observe and see if there was anything you could do to alleviate the suffering of the drama? I remember walking through a parking lot at the hospital where I worked. I was walking with a female coworker. As we passed behind a parked car (add comma) we both noticed yelling inside the car. A young man perhaps thirty years old was screaming violently at an elderly man, “You fucked up! You totally fucked up!” My companion and I both became silent as we walked by in shock. The violence of the moment was so fast and intense, we were both somewhat overwhelmed. My companion and I did not involve ourselves in that moment of violence. Yet, after debriefing the incident later, we both agreed, we could have- (delete dash) and perhaps we should have. We could have calmly walked up to the car and asked if everything was okay. We both realized, that elderly man may have needed help. I continue to think of that moment from time to time even years later. I no longer allow myself to be shocked or frightened into inaction when I am faced with such a moment of abuse of power. Instead, I take a breath and I look for a skillful path to help. I don’t want to be haunted by such moments of inaction, moments where I could have helped someone suffering abuse with perhaps nothing more than a few moments of my time. Power in the Process If you look closely at groups, you will see group power clearly revealed in its decision making process. The most common formal group decision making process in the United States is Roberts Rules of Order. Some form of this group process is used in the vast majority of political decision-making bodies in our country. Roberts Rules of Order is a method of discussion in which one person, a chairperson, has enormous authority over who gets to speak and what topics are discussed. Roberts Rules of Order is not an egalitarian group process since not all people present hold equal power, so you might carefully consider your motives when joining any group that follows such a process. Joining any group using Roberts Rules of Order is to join and validate the existing hierarchy in the group. If the existing hierarchy is corrupt or flawed, you might choose a different path forward other than participation. One formal group process that strives to be egalitarian is consensus. In a consensus meeting, all participants have absolute equal power over every moment of the group discussion and decision-making. The consensus process has carefully designed elements that enable equality while also facilitating productive discussion. I have facilitated and participated in hundreds of consensus meetings in my lifetime (add comma) and I continue to be fascinated and inspired by its elegance. If you have never experienced a robust and effectively facilitated consensus process, then you have an exciting and potentially enriching new experience to explore in your journey. If you are seeking a group structure that is not hierarchical, then you might seek out or create a group that operates using consensus, rather than any variation of Roberts Rules. You may be surprised to hear that another very common form of institutionalized oppression is democracy. It may seem counter to everything you have ever been taught, but to have a group vote and make decisions by majority rule- (delete dash) is to oppress the minority opinion. The majority opinion is by no means guaranteed to be the wisest opinion- (delete dash) as history has proven time and again with societies dominated by prejudice and other inhumane – (delete dash) yet common beliefs and values. For example, for thousands of years people in countless cultures have been largely believed inferior based upon gender, race, sexual orientation, religion, and more. Such inane prejudice has often been forced upon the minorities opposing it through the democratic process of majority rule. Consensus differs from majority rule in that no one is forced to accept a decision for which they have a concern. In consensus, the goal is to find solutions that everyone- (delete dash and add comma) including the minority- (delete dash and add comma) can find acceptable. Consensus stimulates discussion and creative problem solving. Consensus doesn’t then find idyllic solutions everyone loves, but rather, it helps groups of people find the path to a healthy compromise that makes reasonable accommodation to as many needs as possible. I’ve seen consensus work in amazing ways on small scales, and groups of hundreds of people- (change dash to comma) and I believe we can find ways to bring some of its beauty and power to improve the functioning of our democracies. I will discuss one of my ideas for doing this at the end of this book. … Oppression is one of the most destructive and negative forces in this world (add comma) and so we must tread carefully when we tread near power. You may feel your best path forward is to participate in a group that uses a flawed process, such as Roberts Rules. For example, you may wish to help some already established group, a board, political body, club, or organization, evolve into a healthy force in our world. If you do make the choice to join such a group, the key is simply to remain vigilantly mindful of what you are doing and why you are doing it. If you are considering joining a group that uses inherently unbalanced power structures, then consider these questions: Why am I joining this group? What is my goal? Can I achieve my goal within a group with unbalanced power dynamics? Do I want to achieve my goal using unbalanced power dynamics? Can I change the power structure in the group to something more egalitarian? Will I be oppressed if I participate in this group? Will I oppress others if I participate in this group? Could I effectively form a competing group that follows a more egalitarian process? Would such an alternative group better achieve my life goals? Often these questions are neglected as people blaze their path forward joining groups, yet to move forward mindfully is to patiently and thoughtfully keep your options open, even when you are confident of your current general trajectory. Sometimes joining a structurally flawed group may be a skillful course of action. Yet often people make the mistake of accepting the oppression embedded in the world around us without question- (delete dash) even dismissing or attacking those who call attention to it. For example, some people may believe a particular political party is working to achieve some good and noble goals. This belief, although it may be true, doesn’t change the reality that the political party is likely controlled by highly imbalanced unbalanced and inequitable power structures. Some people may feel it is more important to eliminate inequality within the political party prior to achieving any of the party’s other goals. In other words, some people may feel the means in which we improve the world is as important as the world we hope to create. This opinion could make two people who are in many ways allies find themselves seemingly at odds in a group. This type of conflict of priorities arose often as the Occupy movement groups mixed with the more established political organizations in the US. So if you join a group, join mindfully and always remember your power to leave if that becomes the skillful path. In any case, whether joining a formal or informal group, you may find the following mindful practices liberate you from some of the burdens and dangers of power in groups. Letting Go of Power Power is a strange thing in this universe. If you wish to live a mindful and happy life, then I encourage you to be very careful in ever accepting more power over others than you truly need. When you participate in a group, power may be offered to you. When this happens, I encourage you to be wary, reluctant, humble, and generous in your response. Your worth in this universe is not measured by how much power you hold. Nor is it measured by how many people choose you over someone else to hold any specific power in a group setting. Each of us holds virtually infinite power within our own sacred kingdoms, that limitless realm that begins at our skin and extends beyond the limits of our imagination. You don’t need to fret the battles for power in the external world. Engage with the world, but do not be owned or defined by it. At all times, some people on this planet hold power over vast armies and weaponry. Some people can choose to destroy or create on an enormous scale with but a few simple words of instruction to others. Yet, we are all but simple life forms crafting homes on a tiny wet rock floating in a cosmos larger and more complex than anything we can possibly comprehend. Bickering over power in this world is to behave like a guppy battling over a share of the pond. Instead, simply be mindful of power as it flows around you, in and out of your possession. Be wary of embracing or accepting power over others unless you recognize a clear positive reason to do so. If you are in a group where people are struggling over power, you can choose not to participate in that battle. Instead, you can sit quietly and wait. Do not attempt to force your way into the fray. Do not wait resentfully for your turn to talk. Rather, observe the group. Think about what it is doing, why it exists, and what all the participants want from the group. Moreover, just as you do not grasp for the power of the group, do not hold onto it when the power is given to you. If the group asks you to decide, then you might decline and ask the group to decide. If the group dynamic constantly gives you space to speak but not others, then generously transfer that space to others in the group who are not being valued as highly. If a group makes decisions by majority rule, it may be easier to get the outcomes you want, but you will be tempted to do so despite the opposition of the minority. Do you truly want to move forward by oppressing the desires of the minority opinion? Why not seek consensus? Why not seek to understand the concerns of the opposition and genuinely work to craft a path everyone can live with? The simple act of seeking greater consensus when you have no need to do so will deeply impact the consciousness of everyone involved. By empowering people when you don’t have to, you earn respect and trust, and you act like a true gardener of the human spirit. As I mentioned earlier, the group decision-making process that actively seeks to avoid oppression is consensus. In a way, consensus is the group equivalent of mindfulness and mindful action, for just as mindfulness is the most difficult and rewarding individual process, consensus is also the most difficult and rewarding group process. Consensus is to a group of minds as meditation and mindfulness is to a single mind. Mindfulness demands open honest awareness of all your inner needs, desires, demons, and fears- (delete dash and add comma) as well as virtually infinite patience. Consensus demands open (add comma) honest communication and listening between all participants- (delete dash and add comma) as well as virtually infinite patience. And just as mindfulness is the profoundly more rewarding path than the alternatives, so too is the pathway of consensus more rewarding than the alternatives. It is not easy though. To achieve consensus you will need to learn to let go of your need to “just make a decision” and truly embrace patience as your ally. Meditation is not easy. Mindfulness is not easy. Consensus is not easy. Yet again, the best medicine in life is not necessarily the easiest. Do you want a happy life (add comma) or do you want an easy life? Loving – Giving Attention Another mindful practice that will affect the flow of power in groups is the simple power of your attention. If you are in a group in which a minority is being cut off from speaking their piece, then you might choose to ask that minority for their thoughts. You might do this in public or private. Either way, you are giving a gift of power to that minority. You are showing interest in their ideas. You are giving them the gift of loving attention. If you are in public, your attention and public questions helps help create space for these voices to be heard and this will help bring the minority ideas into the public light. If you give attention in private, it will help nurture trust as well as help you gain understanding of an alternative and potentially enlightening viewpoint. In a social setting, your attention is very similar to your power in joining or not joining. For example, if one person is talking a lot, grasping for more and more attention, you can simply not pay attention to them him. You can choose to pay attention to a person that who you find interesting, or you can examine a piece of art on the wall or a potted plant. These acts may not be the gentlest way to respond to people grasping for attention, but sometimes people benefit from tough love. Be mindful of any body language you express that encourages power mongers to continue to hold their claims to group space. Silent waiting can be a deafening act while warm eye contact and subtle nods can be a profound encouragement for the shy to step up. You can also walk out of groups briefly to gaze at a landscape or cloud if a group dynamic begins to feel too unhealthy. In short, simply because people are attempting to wield power around you doesn’t mean you have to help satiate their desire. Whatever you place your attention upon receives your love and gains some power; (change semicolon to comma) so don’t give it away thoughtlessly. Waiting – Giving Space The third mindful aptitude that once again proves its potency in action, this time in relation to group power, is silence and waiting. If you thought silence and waiting was hard when in a one-on-one (connect these) conversation, it is exponentially more difficult to experience in groups. There is almost always someone who will fill an awkward silence in a group unless a clear discussion structure is in use. I remember attending an egalitarian meeting on a grassy field at the first Occupy National Gathering in Philadelphia in 2011. This meeting followed the egalitarian process common in consensus run meetings. Ironically, the focus of this meeting was on the oppressed voices of women and minorities within the Occupy community. At one point, a young woman who had helped call the meeting, asked to hear from people, but she asked to first hear from women and minorities about their thoughts on oppressive group dynamics in Occupy. There were about sixty people in the circle gathered on the park grass and the group was probably about sixty percent white male and forty percent minority or female. After the speaker made the request to hear from women and minorities first, there was silence. After perhaps thirty seconds of fairly awkward silence, finally a hand was raised to speak. Then another. Then another. But the hands raised came from white men who were present. The facilitator acknowledged them and they each spoke. After they spoke, a middle aged Native American woman raised her hand. I do not have a transcript of what she said and no recording was allowed at this meeting, but I will attempt to repeat her sentiment based on the deep imprint she embedded in my memory. The Native American woman said she was disappointed. She said, as best I can recreate from my memory (add comma) which again I hope honors her true sentiment: “We all sit in this circle claiming to care about oppression of the voices of women and minorities, yet when we ask to hear from women and minorities, we do not have the patience to wait for them to step forward. People who are systematically and routinely oppressed are not accustomed to having space to speak and participate. Eliminating oppression is not as simple as asking their opinion. They are not going to trust you! They are not going to trust you to wait for them to gather their thoughts. They are not going to believe you really want to hear them speak. And what happened right here proves this point. You asked them to speak, but the white men could not wait even a minute to let them think. You just couldn’t wait to speak. You just had to have your voice heard. Wait if you want to hear from those who never speak. Who cares if it takes 1 minute or ten minutes. Just wait (add comma) damnit!” As I heard these words I felt embarrassed and profoundly thankful that I had not raised my hand. I felt I had valuable things to say- (delete dash and add comma) but her words hit home. It is easy for me (add comma) a white male (add comma) to speak in front of groups. I am often looked to as a leader, both informally and formally. After the group broke up, I followed the Native American speaker as she walked away from the group. When she saw me approaching (add comma) she looked up at me with curious and cautious eyes. I said to her, “I just wanted to thank you for what you said. May I give you a hug?” She smiled at me and accepted my hug. She said to me, “I thought it might have been too much…” I replied, “No. Not at all. It needed to be said. And thank you again for saying it.” … Power is a strange thing. It can be used to create. It can be used to destroy. It can be used to heal. And simply moving power around itself transforms moments in our human relationships. As you mindfully journey your life, it will serve you well to be aware of power, yet if you practice letting go and do not attempt to grasp at power, you may find it flows to you and away from you at exactly the right moments in the exact right amounts. Pay attention, wait, and strive to act skillfully in relation to power- (delete dash) just as a kayaker strives to paddle skillfully amongst the currents of the river. ________________ Moving Beyond Personal Mindfulness Applying the skills and aptitudes of mindfulness to your life, to your individual life choices, to your relationships, and to your actions in groups, is a never-ending journey of experimentation and learning. Every moment of our lives is a crossroads of a billion different possible paths. Every moment is an opportunity for mindful action. If you commit yourself to a regular and steady meditation practice (add comma) and if you bring the lessons of meditation and mindfulness to your daily life, you will find the branches of your being sprouting new and unexpected growth. If you allow yourself to stop reacting to life and choose rather to act mindfully, you will discover new wonders and new joys…(delete ellipsis and add comma) as well as profound new types of pain and awkwardness. Life is an adventure. You must simply decide whether you wish to be a mindful hero thoughtfully canoeing the river of life or do if you want to be a passenger desperately clinging onto a log floating along at the mercy of the whimsical currents of our world. The choice is simple, but and both paths are hard. If you undertake the mindful path in your individual and interpersonal life, you and your relationships will transform. Some relationships may end, others may grow in unexpected ways, and totally new ones will emerge in surprising places. You will begin to be acutely aware of your power to touch the lives of other people (add comma) and you will begin to appreciate the irony that those who grasp at power the least hold the greatest power within. As you transform your life and positively touch the lives of others, you might begin to consider your place and impact in the larger world. How is your life and how are your actions affecting people on the other side of the world right now? How is power working in your nation? How is power working on our planet? Are people being oppressed, abused, or exploited? Are you okay with this happening? What role do you have in oppression, abuse, and exploitation in our world? Do you want to do anything to help your national or global community find a path to a healthier dynamic, to creating a truly egalitarian garden of flourishing human life? Is there a mindful path you might take to positively affect the world of people, cultures, and politics? The next section will explore this rarely discussed (and some might say taboo) application of mindfulness: mindfulness and politics. Or perhaps another way to say it, “How does one mindfully change the world?” Part III: Applying Mindfulness to Your Political Actions/ Mindful Political Action This section is all about how to apply the amazing gifts of mindfulness to our actions impacting the world beyond ourselves and our direct relationships. I will use the terms “politics,” “political goals,” and “political actions” to refer to this category of activity. Yet, when I say “politics” I mean it in its most basic and broadest sense (add comma) which is the theory and practice of influencing the actions of people we don’t directly know. When you influence yourself or your friends(add comma) that is not politics, rather that is your personal and interpersonal activity. When you seek to influence the behaviors of people in governmental power or the people who vote to put people into governmental power, then that is politics and involves political action. The next few chapters will explore how and why to take mindful political action when seeking to effect positive change in the world. Chapter 18: Know Your Ultimate Political Goal To live mindfully, we must always keep our true goal in mind, like a guiding star in the distance. My favorite term for the goal of life on an individual level is happiness. Happiness is a healthy (add comma) flourishing existence like that of a well-tended apple tree. We all want to grow and nourish all aspects of our life and our being: our family life, our social life, our work life, our love life, our creative life, and so on. What then is our fundamental political goal? As we discussed in the previous sections, keeping our goal clearly in mind helps guide us to take skillful and mindful action in relationships, and helps us avoid wasting energy on trivial drama. To mindfully navigate the broader world, the world of politics, government, and social activism (add comma) we need to summon as much clarity as possible around our fundamental political goal. Another way to ask this is to ask, “What is the world I want?” What World Do You Want? A Meditation To better see your goal for the world, to better see your political pole star, you may wish to meditate upon your desires for the world around you. To enhance this practice, I suggest you exercise your mindful skill of letting go and use it to let go of all your current tightly held political values and positions. Letting go of your political ideals and starting afresh may not be easy, but it is invaluable if you can do it. After clearing your mind of your preconceived political values (as best you can), sit looking upon the world of possibilities anew. See what values and desires for the world emerge naturally from the core thing you seek in this universe, happiness. Can you imagine a world in which all people are able to thrive and be happy? Can you imagine how the world might need to be organized for that to happen? Can you see the beginnings of a path to create such a world? Sit down, close your eyes, and allow yourself to meditate and contemplate this. See then what emerges. The exercise I describe above is not easy. Most likely your political views and values are deeply engrained. You may be unwilling to sit and reexamine them even for a few minutes. This reaction is quite common. It is hard to question any of our values and beliefs upon which we have built our life. Yet, if we don’t do so, we risk building our life on a lie. The path of mindful living is not easy. The path of living an honest life is not easy. Your actions impact the world. Your political values and views impact how you vote and interact with the larger world of politics- (delete dash and add comma) and this larger realm has far reaching impact on the lives of people all over the world. Your political values and views matter. What can those suffering do if you will not honestly assess whether your political values and views are truly good and wise? Sit. Contemplate the world you want. Contemplate what political values truly will create the world you want. If you are in the USA, is the solution really capitalism and democracy the way the USA is structured today? Are there not things we can learn from other countries? Have you ever looked for yourself what other countries are doing or do you simply believe what you are told happens in other countries? Who are you listening to? Are you listening to people who are speaking 100% from the heart or are you listening to people with complicated self-interests polluting their viewpoints? No one but you can recognize when you are deceiving yourself. No one can save you from self-deception and self-delusion but you. Meditation and mindfulness are your friends. Sit with them, sit with silence, honestly examine what you believe, think, value, and support. Patient honest examination is always healthy. Anyone who tells you that you think too much or ask too many questions is not your friend. Beware of such people. **It might be good to also add a journal exercise here to have the reader write about this meditation. The world of politics is dominated by very clever power mongers. They do not gain and hold power by seeking wisdom and encouraging the masses to seek wisdom. Instead, they spend their energy trying to convince as many people as possible to believe them, to believe they are wise, and to simply follow their lead without question. If you want to be certain you are supporting leaders who are truly fighting the good fight, then you must be willing to open your mind enough to evaluate your options. Nothing is as black and white as the talking heads on TV will tell you. If we all allowed our political values to emerge from a genuine desire for all people to live happy (add comma) flourishing lives, I think many of us would hold different values. It may be helpful to consider where then our political values came from, (delete comma) if it is not from a sincere love of our fellow humans and a desire for their well being. Why Do We Believe What We Believe About Politics? Sometimes people hold political values and positions as much out of habit as out of sincere thoughtful consideration. Likewise, it seems much of the political discussions in this world involve merely habitual stale arguments knocking against one another like ancient rusty swords. There is little real dialogue or collaboration, merely competition and a fight for power and prestige. Regardless of their general lack of integrity, political institutions are extraordinarily powerful things capable of doing wonderful things for our world to ease suffering and help people thrive. Governments exist to serve as a vehicle for our collective power. The purpose of government power is to mold our world in positive ways no individual could ever do. We all want these institutions to take wise (add comma) mindful action, but far too often they fail miserably at doing so. Why? Why do our political leaders fail to leverage our collective power to observe, evaluate, and act to improve our world in a healthy, collaborative, and wise manner? Why do political groups seem to battle constantly over power, rather than mindfully seeking the best answers and actions? These are very important questions to meditate upon, to contemplate. The better you see and understand the answer to these questions, the easier you will find your navigation through the political landscape- (delete dash) if you choose to engage it. You will likely have to sit for some time in order to clearly answer these questions through your own process. The answers you find will likely be subtly different than myself from me, for we each have a unique perspective on the world around us. Nonetheless, I will share with you some of how my vision of the world has developed as I have made my journey across this mesmerizing landscape we call life. I offer this merely as food for thought, for we each must discern for ourselves what perspectives we will hold as valid or useful. A View of Our World The earth is an island floating in an endless (add comma) still (add comma) black sea. Every life form on our planet begins existence like a seed dropped upon the surface of this island, each individual seed hoping and yearning to take root, grow, and flourish. Every person All humans, animals, fish, plants, and microbes seeks seek the same simple goal: to live and flourish as best befits their true nature. We can think of every seed of life brought forth into this world as the seed of a tree- (delete dash and add comma) and we can easily see not all life is born into the same opportunity to thrive. Some seeds upon their birth awaken to find themselves amidst soft rich soil in which they can sink, extend roots, and then immediately begin to grow into large glorious trees. On the other hand, some seeds do not enjoy such a straightforward life journey. If one sees all life as the seedling of a tree, then one might see much of the island we call home as a broad (add comma) muddy flood plain. The seeds born onto these flood plains are destined for a rough ride. Some seeds born in the mud flats have a brief chance to extend some roots, perhaps even begin a transformation into a young tree. Yet, when the floods inevitably come, the weakest and youngest trees trying to grow are ripped from the ground, rushed fast and furiously far from its brief home, and either deposited upon unfamiliar new ground or utterly drowned and destroyed. The seeds and young trees not destroyed by the floods, the lucky ones that survive, often must start all over with their struggle to take root and continue to grow and survive. Some succeed. Many fail. Such is the world upon which you and I live. It has always been this way and it will always be so to some extent, sometimes a bit better and sometimes far worse, until such a day as a wave arises from the great black sea and wipes clean the entire surface of this small island, sinking the island everything beneath the sea for all time and taking all life upon its surface away with it forever. Nothing lasts forever after all. Our sun itself and all suns like it will one day snuff out. Oblivion awaits us all (add comma) eventually. Yet, so long as this island exists, and so long as this island has us seedlings upon its surface, some will be born into rich opportune soil and others will be born into dangerous flood plains. If you are reading this, then you are probably one of the lucky ones, for the truly unlucky rarely have the opportunity to read a book such as this. In any case, if you give it some honest thought, you will likely see that you are far luckier than many born onto this grand planet. In fact, you may have been born into perfect (add comma) protected soil. You may have been nurtured and coddled [Do you really mean to use “coddled” here? Were you really spoiled and overprotected? It has a negative connotation.] (add comma) as I was (add comma) from the moment you first came into existence as I was. You may have been tended and protected by gentle and loving shelter most of your formative years as was I. You may have been fed by the perfect amounts of water and nutrients to stimulate your growth during your youth. You may not know the traumas that hunger or fear are capable of bestowing upon us. Thus, you may be one who is thriving upon our little island called Earth. On the other hand, your path may have been more colorful. Perhaps you are a survivor of an inopportune birth? Perhaps you were born onto the life destroying flood plains or perhaps by some stroke of bad fortune, found yourself suddenly immersed in one such flood when the tides of water shifted upon this earth’s crust? (change question mark to period) Do you know what it is like to have your life ripped out of its roots, partially or fully, only then to struggle mightily to find new ground in which to dig in? Do you know pain and suffering? Are you old friends with hunger (add comma) or fear (add comma) or desperation? If you are a survivor of a harsh and torturous path, I honor you for how far you have come to arrive at this moment. Well done my friend! I pray your life lessons have made you stronger and wiser and not so traumatized that you struggle to move. In either case, born into opportunity or a survivor of harsh events, you are alive and living now at this moment. The struggle for strong roots and flourishing limbs never ends. A lifetime of ease guarantees no one a future of similar comfort. Indeed, trouble waits just around the corner for all of us. After all, life is change and nothing lasts forever. The paths of the flood plains may shift at any moment, tearing you from your home, destroying much that you know in life, vanquishing things and people that who you love and cherish. So the work, the mindful work, of tending the earth beneath our own feet never truly ends so long as we live. We must tend to our homes in order to survive. For this reason, a mindful meditation sit each morning can become an invaluable life long ritual to finding our center and strengthening our roots. Yet, your nurturing work need not end at the boundaries of your personal or interpersonal life. Once you feel you can trust your footing and you have some space and energy with which to look around, you might take heed of the fate of your fellow beings, your fellow seed pods upon this vast and glorious planet we all call home. Look out upon the earth and see what you see. Do you see the seeds dropped into the flood plains? Do you see the flood waters approaching? Do you see the forces at work upon this earth that cause the rise and fall of the life destroying flows of change? What do you learn if you pay attention to the forces at work upon this precious island floating in this vast and seemingly endless black sea? If you sit and observe the forces at work in our world with the same gentle loving attention with which you witness the forces at work within yourself, you will learn amazing things. You will see exciting opportunities to influence change, to do good works, to help others flourish and in so doing make your world more beautiful. As you grow stronger and your vision becomes more clear clearer, you might begin to realize that you have real power to effect affect this world and the causes of life, death, destruction, and growth that seem to rule it. You may discover one morning that you see clearly how your broad branches might be used to shape the flow of water on a portion these earthly flood planes plains. You may find you could allow some fruit and foliage to fall from your flourishing outstretched limbs in such a way that slows the destructive waters of the flash floods, perhaps saving a handful of seeds from misery or certain death. You may even find that if you allow a broad and unneeded branch to break fully off from one of your extended limbs, it might possibly blockade a particular aqua path, improving the lot of an even larger number of your less fortunate neighbors. If and when you see these opportunities, do not dismiss them, but rather patiently consider if you wish to take such skillful action. What do you want of this island in this infinite sea? Do you only want materials necessary for yourself to grow and flourish? Do you feel pride and entitlement to the luck that landed you into healthy (add comma) rich soil and blessed you with the time needed to grow strong enough to survive? Do you feel every opportunity you have enjoyed in your life is something you have fully earned through your hard work and decisive actions? Do you feel you have earned all the good luck the universe has brought your way? Do you feel any love and affection for the seeds that struggle, suffer, and die all around you? Does perhaps a part of you feel it is good that some weaker seeds suffer and die in order to strengthen the population remaining? Does a part of you want the seeds around you to suffer and die because you feel threatened by their good health? Do you worry that if too many other seeds take root and grow (add comma) it may cut off your own flow of nutrients that feed you and those you love? Look carefully at your feelings as you gaze honestly out upon our world. Only you can honestly assess what you see and what you feel as you gaze upon the suffering all around us, or whether you see the suffering at all. I am a healthy well-rooted tree. So far, I feel I am absolutely one of the blessed and lucky ones on this planet (though I fear tempting fate in saying so). I was born into a healthy home soil. I was nurtured until I was able to stand well on my own. I have some strength and some abilities to affect this world. Writing this book is a reflection of both my desire to impact this grand island world and my ability to do so. Personally, I feel I have done plenty to nurture my own roots and flourish my own being. I feel that, (delete comma) with a little more luck, I could easily live out the rest of my life on this island world in relative safety until my body becomes simply too old to sustain me and I crumble to the ground in decay. Yet, I choose to focus my efforts and energy outward upon this island, to not merely nurture my life, my personal happiness, but to see what I might do to improve the lot of my fellow beings. I study the causes of the destructive floods. I study where they come from and what molds their directions. I wonder if the flows of water that cause such destruction upon this island might be shaped and harnessed by thoughtful action so that more seeds, perhaps all seeds, might never meet such tragic ends. I wonder if it is possible for this island to be not a jungle ruled by jungle laws, but a healthy glorious garden, tended by wise and mindful action? I wonder if such a world is possible, and when I see action, mindful action, that might help make it so- (delete dash and add comma) sometimes, (delete comma) I then carefully, thoughtfully, and gently go for it. Make no mistake, we are all but dust upon the surface of a small rocky slab in an unimaginably vast darkness. Any action one might take to shape the lot of this island can be wiped away in an instant. For this reason, it is wise to not grasp desperately at your goals, whether personal, interpersonal, or political. We will appear powerful at times, especially those who learn to act mindfully, yet beyond the confines of our minds we are ultimately powerless. Such is the reality, the glory, and the beauty of our existence. And so, I suggest one each of us appreciates each moment mindfully, suck deeply the marrow from existence, while mindfully taking action to shape things for the better. That is what I strive to do. What about you? Do You Know Your Goal? I’ve shared with you how I see the world. It is a world in which I seek to flourish and a world in which I wish others to flourish. I know my goal with calm clarity for myself and for the world- (make this a true dash with space on each side) or at least with more clarity than ever before in my life. Do you know your goal? Can you imagine it in your mind? Can you imagine the world as you ultimately wish for it to be? If you do, then can you begin to take mindful action right now to help make that world a reality? Mindful Political Action Knowing the world you want is one thing. Taking effective action to bring it about is quite another. What might we do to actually affect the destructive forces and structures in place in our world, in our laws, and in our institutions? How can we create or feed the positive forces and structures the world needs? The following sections will explore in more detail how one might mindfully approach this daunting challenge. As with our inner journey of meditation and mindfulness, the task begins with seeing things clearly. Once we clearly see the world we want clearly (add comma) we must then begin to see clearly the problems preventing that world from manifesting. And then, it is time for mindful action. ________________ Chapter 18: Act to Fulfill Your Vision for the World The key to achieving a vision is to solve the problems that prevent the vision from becoming realized. The first step in this process is first to first see the problems, the obstacles that prevent the realization of your vision. You need to deeply understand the obstacles in your path. This is as true for the giant boulders we discover in our consciousness that obscure our internal journey as it is for the enormous and complex problems that scourge our external world. As with everything else, a mindful approach to the challenge of understanding problems will serve you brilliantly. Mindful Seeing of Problems While seeking to understand deeply the things that arise in our consciousness, especially those that seem to block our way, the mindful approach is simply to observe. We gently and patiently bare witness to any problem that blocks our way. We turn it around. We approach it from all angles. Eventually, with this gentle yet relentless approach, we can begin to see any problem clearly enough that it either melts away or we begin to see actions we might take to resolve it. This exact same approach can work elegantly for large external world problems as well. If you sense a craving to address a large-scale obstacle or problem in the world, then it is a wonderful idea to allow yourself to examine it gently during meditation. In fact, any problem or issue in your life, big or small, will benefit from this type of gentle mindful contemplation. Often you will indeed find the problems either melt away to non-issues (add comma) or you will see clear specific actions emerge for you to take to begin to address the problem. This mindful examination process is your core tool to for learning to take mindful action rather than often less effective unconscious reactive actions. Observe, reflect, examine, and wait patiently until a clear path emerges for you to follow. Then act. Observe the result. Then repeat the process again. For problems that you struggle to understand through simple meditative contemplation, a more structured approach might be helpful. The next section will teach one such approach to analyzing and gaining deep understanding of a problem. Other Paths to Seeing Meditating and contemplating on a subject as described in the previous section is the simplest and most direct route to deep understanding. On the other hand, the most direct path can sometimes lead us up the shear slick wall of a cliff. Though this path is the shortest, it might be extraordinarily difficult to follow and to bring others along with you for support. For this reason, sometimes we benefit from using slightly more earthly tools to dissect an issue. One such tool you might find useful (add comma) particularly for big complex issues (add comma) is “The Five Whys.” The Five Whys While working in healthcare, I was trained in a performance improvement process called Lean. In this school of performance improvement, I was taught many problem solving methodologies, but one of the most effective, and one of my favorites, is “The Five Whys.” “The Five Whys” practice can help you understand any problem more deeply and clearly and then help you share this understanding clearly with others. And of course, the more people who share your clear vision of a problem, the more potential allies you may have for working to resolve the problem. The more allies you have helping you (add comma) the more effective your actions become. The basic premise of “The Five Why’s” is that if you simply ask “why?” repeatedly for any specific problem, you will inevitably dig your way to the root causes. Often after practicing this, you find that numerous seemingly disconnected problems are in fact merely symptoms of a situation ruled by a few clear and distinct root causes. Once you see the root causes clearly, it is often easy to see decisive and powerful action that could resolve them, thus alleviating the downstream problems that caught your attention in the first place. Far too often, people spend their energy addressing symptoms of problems, rather than the root causes of problems themselves because they mistake a symptom for a cause. Let’s imagine using the Five Whys to analyze a problem where a friend seems to be constantly picking fights with us. This will give us a chance to practice “The Five Whys”. The Five Whys Example For this exercise, let’s imagine we have a friend with whom we realize we are arguing with a lot. We want to understand this better because it is causing us stress and anxiety. To do this, we are going to use “The Five Whys.” The first step in The Five Whys process is to name the problem as accurately as you can. For our example scenario, we shall thus name the problem as follows: 1. The problem: My friend and I are getting into a lot of fights and arguments lately. Now, the first critical lesson you must understand to benefit from a tool like “The Five Whys” to analyze any major problem in your world, (delete comma) is that you will make far more progress in your investigations if you analyze specific incidents. So for example, when our problem is interpersonal conflict, don’t try to analyze the relationship as a whole, but instead, (delete comma) choose a specific incident of conflict to focus on. You might choose one specific incident that was particularly poignant. Then, focus 100% of your analysis upon that one specific incident until you fully and deeply understand it. After that, you can move on to another specific incident if necessary and keep repeating this process until you have achieved full understanding. Often when it comes to analyzing problems, whether personal, interpersonal, or societal, we focus our attention and our dialogue around abstract generalities. You will hear people say things like, “Whenever I do this, you do this, and it really upsets me.” Or, “People need to suck it up and work harder (add comma) and then they will have all the money they need.” Both these statements are extremely unproductive generalizations. Anyone who disagrees with the speaker will simply have their own opposing generalizations to voice and very little substantive comparisons can be made between such empty (add comma) unsubstantiated statements. On the other hand, if a person describes a specific incident or situation, then you can engage in a meaningful discussion of specifics- (delete dash and add comma) and you might just make some headway towards a possible consensus. So, returning to our example “my friend and I are getting into lots of fights lately,” we need to get more specific to really apply “The Five Whys.” To do this, we ask ourselves to think of a specific fight and name that as the problem. Let’s suppose this is what you came up with: 1. The problem: The other day, when I was telling my friend about how my boss annoys me at work, my friend called me a “whiny baby” and told me to suck it up. This remark sparked a huge argument. This problem statement is great, (delete comma) because it refers to a specific incident. It is much easier and productive to analyze a specific incident indicative of a broader problem, then than to try and to dissect the broader problem. Moreover, the specific details will most likely illuminate important details you would never see if you kept your investigation at a higher more abstract level. After ensuring we have a solid specific problem statement, then the next step is to ask “why?” For this example, you might begin with investigating the remark that seemed to spark the fight. You might ask, “Why did my friend call me a whiny baby and tell me to suck it up?” Understanding this may just be the key to everything. We want to know why my friend called me a whiny baby and told me to suck it up? How do you answer this question? A great approach is to use the scientific method. You make some hypotheses and then you test as best you can whether they are true. If you are careful and rigorous, you can often use this method to find functional answers even to subtle and subjective questions. What are possible reasons for your friend to make such a harsh statement to you? At this early stage of your investigation, you can begin to hypothesize by simply brainstorming possible answers. Here is what I come up with off the top of my head as possible answers: 1. I complain far too much about work issues (add comma) and it is fair to call this behavior whining. 2. I don’t complain too much about work (add comma) and it is inappropriate and uncalled for to call me a whiny baby, yet my friend did it anyways. You may be able to come up with more possible answers, but this will do for now. We have two possible answers to our first “why.” You should note, these answers conflict with one another. They cannot both be true. These are competing hypotheses. Either we deserve to be called a whiny baby or we don’t. We now need to figure out which of the above statements is true. How can we do that? First we can simply ask ourselves which one feels true to us based upon everything we currently know. If, after some soul searching, you realized, “Yes, I am indeed a whiny baby” then you now have your root cause and should probably address this. So, stop whining or stop complaining when someone calls you a whiny baby. On the other hand, let’s assume for this exercise, you are confident you are not a person who complains too much and definitely did not deserve that harsh critique. We now must investigate the other possible branch of our Five Whys analysis. Here is an example of what that might look like: 1. The problem: My friend and I are getting into a lot of fights and arguments lately. 2. A specific example of the problem: The other day, when I was telling my friend about how my boss annoys me at work, my friend called me a “whiny baby”. 1. Why? I complain too much. 2. Why? I do not complain too much, it was inappropriate and mean to call me a “whiny baby” yet my friend did it anyways. 1. Why? If I do not complain too much and it was mean to call me a “whiny baby,” then why did my friend do it? If you don’t know the answer to this already, then you need to find the answer. How? A great method is to simply ask your friend. Asking your friend about this incident point blank will likely trigger a very substantial conversation. Successfully engaging in such a conversation is an art form unto itself, but if you make use of the aptitudes of mindfulness, striving to listen while gently seeking the answer without judgment, you can find your way to the information you and your friend need. It will help a lot, (delete comma) if you can fully let go of your emotional charge over the specific incident and simply tell your friend you are seeking to understand something- (delete dash) and not seeking to affix blame. I myself have said to friends in similar situations to the one described above, “I want you to know, I am not upset at all about this incident. I have let it go. I have forgiven you anything you may have done that hurt or offended me. But I want to talk about it so we might both better understand what happened, (delete comma) because I think it might help our friendship.” If you can say something like this authentically, it should help the other person be comfortable honestly reflecting upon the incident with you. (Of course, this works best if you honestly have let the incident go, so you might meditate on the incident before starting such a discussion.) Now let’s suppose you have this conversation with your friend and through some healthy dialogue you both uncover that your friend snapped at you because they are he was feeling fear and anguish over their his own state of unemployment and financial difficulties. Hallelujah! You have struck gold! You and your friend have dug to a genuine germane root cause of this ugly incident. Often at moments like these, you will reflect upon the larger problem you were analyzing, in this instance your friend fighting with you on multiple occasions, and you will realize this root cause was behind many if not all of these incidents. Now that you see this root cause, you can take mindful action in response to it. If you didn’t know the root cause of your friends attack, you might simply try to scold your friend for lashing out at you. Your friend would possibly accept that they were she was wrong, but they she would still be in pain and anguish over their her unemployment and financial struggles. Your friend would also remain isolated and alone in their the pain, (delete comma) without your understanding. The root cause would persist. On the other hand, now that you know the root cause, you could both spend your energy in a more productive and potentially healing fashion. Just knowing this root cause of your friend’s (add apostrophe) attack will likely alleviate some of the future tension between the two of you. Knowing this root issue will help you be more sensitive when discussing your work challenges. Even better, knowing your friend is suffering due to money and unemployment, you may be able to offer to help your friend figure out a solution, to find employment, or gain some money. Understanding the pain and challenges of your friends (delete “s”) is one of the fundamental connections of friendship. Even if all you provide your friend is an understanding ear to listen as they work on their problems, you are providing an invaluable life service. In this specific scenario, if your attention works successfully to help them solve their employment and money problems, then you may possibly end the cycle of bickering altogether- (delete dash) not by your friend suppressing his pain, but by helping resolve the root cause of the pain. If the root cause of conflict in a relationship is not addressed, the conflicts will likely continue to happen or they will continue beneath the visible surface. On the other hand, taking action that targets root causes focuses all your energy where it can ultimately do the most good. Below is the final 5 Whys map of the problem discussed above: 1. The problem: My friend and I are getting into a lot of fights and arguments lately. 2. A specific example of the problem: The other day, when I was telling my friend about how my boss annoys me at work, my friend called me a “whiny baby”. 1. Why? I complain too much. 2. Why? I do not complain too much and it was inappropriate and mean to call me a “whiny baby,” yet my friend did it anyways. 1. Why? My complaints about work reminded my friend of his suffering due to being unemployed and struggling financially. 1. Stop. This is a potential root cause. The mindful action to address this is to investigate if this is true and take appropriate action. Applying the Five Whys in the interpersonal example above may be overkill (add comma) but we did it just so you could see the tool in action. You may be able to find your path to resolution to for many problems without rigorously mapping out a Five Whys analysis. On the other hand, it’s great to have the Five Whys in your toolset in case you need it. It is also noteworthy that we didn’t ask why five times in the previous example. Sometimes three or four times is enough. Sometimes you need to ask it ten times to get to a root cause. Now although the Five Whys may be overkill for some small problems, big problems are a different story. For big or complex problems involving many people, such as societal and political problems, you will want to remember how to do the Five Whys analysis in the same structured and rigorous manner I did in our first example. In the next section, we are going to take on a much bigger and more complex issue in the world of politics (add comma) and we will use the Five Whys to help us systematically analyze the problem. Chapter 19: Bridging Mindfulness and Societal Problems If you integrate a regular meditation practice into your life, you may also integrate meditation groups and retreats into your life, for these can be enormously enriching and rewarding. As you learn about and struggle with the challenges of being mindful in your personal and interpersonal actions, you will find it extraordinarily helpful to have people in your life to discuss these struggles with. After all, if you appreciate mindfulness and mindful actions, you will definitely appreciate mindful friends- (delete dash) for they will help you and support you in your practice. They will also strive to treat you with the same loving wise attention that you strive to treat them, which leads to wonderful enriching relationships. Now With that said, even though meditation groups are a wonderful support system for practicing personal mindfulness, I haven’t found such groups to be very useful for nurturing mindful political solutions. In fact, although meditation groups often engage in listening to talks and group discussions, I find any topics resembling large-scale societal problems or political issues are seemingly taboo. A part of me understands this, yet a part of me feels this is unfortunate, for the gentle wisdom of mindfulness is desperately needed in the political realm. Think about this: Who dominates the conversations regarding how we might address our large-scale societal, international, and global problems? Who runs for office? Who do you see on TV debating the issues? Do you see people who practice meditation and mindfulness? Do you see people who clearly strive to be compassionate and understanding of others? Do you see people who listen first before speaking?

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It is time for all of humanity to work together as one entity for the betterment of all humans.  We can use technology to do this unlike ever before.  We will allow many different facilitation leaders/ teams attempt to harmoniously facilitate all humans.  Each gets one hour to do it.  Provide links to your platforms if you have one.  All invited.  All are equal.  All ages.  All humans.  

https://zoom.us/j/3131313133?pwd=cxIo7uphcKI

My name is Matthew William Ready.  You can learn more about my facilitation methods, values, ideas, and much more on my Twitter @MeditationMatt, also Instagram, also Youtube.  I am an activist and currently an elected official:  A public hospital commissioner in Port Townsend Wa.  Nothing I say anywhere should be construed as representing the hospital district, or any group, or any person other than myself unless I otherwise specify.  Other media and creators are welcome to use this audio, remix it, whatever you want with it as long as you are trying to make the world better for it.  Thanks.  May you find happiness, laughter, peace, safety, friendship, truth, and wonder forever.  -Matt

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1. Invite others to join your facilitated exercise.
2. Any who agree explain:
   1. You are offering to facilitate.
   2. Anyone should leave if at any point they feel like doing so.
   3. You may also step outside the facilitated area and observe if you wish to do so at any time.
3. The faciliator will stop whenever s/he feels like stopping.
4. Everyone participating form a blob in front of the facilitator.
5. Facilitator points to their left and says, "This area is for people who believe in God.", points to the right, "This area is for people who do not believe in God." points in front of the facilitator, "This area is for everyone else."
6. Facilitator waits as long as s/he wants for people to sort themselves.
7. (Advanced) Facilitator is free to ask any question of anyone.
8. Facilitator addresses the middle group.
   1. Of those in the middle between the God believers and the Athiests, do you believe in an afterlife? Group like this:
      1. Left : Yes
      2. Right: No
      3. Middle: others
   2. Facilitator addresses the others: Those between believing in an afterlife and not, do you believe we might be living inside a computer simulation such as those depicted in movies and stories like The Matrix?
      1. Left: yes
      2. Right: no
      3. Middle: others
   3. Facilitator again addresses the others: Those who neither believe nor disbelieve in God, those that neither believe nor disbelieve in an afterlife, and those that neither believe nor disbelieve in simulation Theory, Who do you look to for moral authority?
      1. Left: other people
      2. Right: yourself
      3. Middle: other answers
   4. Facilitator then asks of all other groups, the same question.
9. Facilitator then asks all those who are their own moral authority to group together. Then asks them:
   1. What is your moral opinion on:
      1. The Louisiana Purchase. France claims to own massive amounts of Native American occupied lands and sells it to the United States.
      2. Aug 23, 1871 Port Townsend Washington, a couple federal troops and local authorities forced all residents of a Native American village to leave. They then burned the village.
      3. The Jefferson County Recording Fiasco 2014-present
      4. Hong Kong today. Should China allow Hong Kong to be independent?
      5. Tibet?
      6. Taiwan?
      7. Ukraine
      8. Eddie Murphy vs David Spade. How can we heal this divide?

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We can use cryptocurrency blockchain technology to have an immutable communication network.  In fact, it already exists.  There are currently many tools that allow us to speak over blockchains.  Let's pick one to use together for uniting all of humanity and the coolest of the cyborgs and conscious AI powers in the Cosmos! Eh?

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Activist and Meditation practitioner Matt Ready shares more of his story including the Occupy Wall Street movement, his decision to run for Hospital Commissioner, and the ongoing aftermathmatics of it all.  Key questions for you to consider while listening to the episode:  What is the meaning of life?  What is the best governmental system for 5 people?  10 people? 100 people?  1000 people?  1000000000000000000000 people?  Why don't we make one that works great for all of those.  I have.  It's called the clockwork purple.  Browse my social media streams for pictures of the first Clock facilitation tool, the robot facilitator.  I think it will scale up nicely to billions.  The key is the further you go out of the vortex, you ask people to select people they trust to go closer to the vortex.  That way not everyone has to go.  Anyways, I'm sure you know all this already.  

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2x high speed.  Pretend the information is going straight into your brain via a Neural Link interface that uses your ears.

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If you've listened to the first 3 episodes, then this episode will blow your mind.  If you haven't listened to the first 3 episodes, you might still find this episode dramatic, but it won't quite have as much cinematic philosophical cathartic punch.  Think of the moment when Smegal grabs the ring of power at the end of Lord of the Rings.  Or the moment Kevin Bacon stands up and says, "From the oldest of times, people danced for a number of reasons. They danced in prayer or so that their crops would be plentiful or so their hunt would be good. And they danced to stay physically fit and show their community spirit. And they danced to celebrate. And that, that is the dancing that we’re talking about. Aren’t we told in Psalm 149: ‘Praise ye the Lord. Sing unto the Lord a new song. Let them praise His name in the dance’?…It was King David. King David, who we read about in Samuel, and, and what did David do? What did David do? What did David do? ‘David danced before the Lord with all his might, leaping, leaping and dancing before the Lord.’ Leaping and dancing! Ecclesiastes assures us that there is a time to every purpose under heaven. A time to laugh and a time to weep. A time to mourn and there is a time to dance. And there was a time for this law, but not anymore. See, this is our time to dance. It is our way of, of celebrating life. It’s the way it was in the beginning. It’s the way it’s always been. It’s the way it should be now.  Also, people have a right to record any information they can physically record while in an open public meeting.  Thank you.  Long live Matt Ready."  - Kevin Bacon Ridge Alaskan Amber Alehouse on the corner.

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Zhalleh a Theatre Activist joins The Mindful Activist..

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Matt Ready, Matt Ready, Matt Ready.  Everything is about Matt Ready.  Ok not really, but he is technically a politician.  Anyways, this episode catches you up with current events.  What will happen next will happen at the next Jefferson Healthcare Commission meeting, in which Matt Ready will be there alone again with these crazy people who don't believe in free speech, freedom of the press, science, preserving evidence, telling the full truth, human rights over corporate rights.  They probably also don't believe in simulation theory, but what?  You want to talk about simulation theory?  Ok.  Well, its like Descartes said a long time ago.  You are not the most important thing in the universe, so stop trying to force your will upon other people all you warlords.  Back off.  Chill.  Most of you are wealthy, so go back into your private mansion and retire from public view for a while, so the people can fix the world.  The people who have been in power are not necessarily the greatest specimens of humanity.

Do we all agree we want the best of all possible worlds?  Do we want the best of all possible of political systems?  Do we want the absolute best process we can envision as human beings to control and manage the incredible destructive weaponry and other powers that humanity has invented?  We can do better.  Think. Open up your brain.  Listen to Goldie.  Everyone.  Hellooooooo?

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• This is episode 2.

Below is a full summary of all episodes.

• March 2014 – Hospital Commissioner Matt Ready (me) begins recording a public meeting. He is pressured to turn it off. He does.
• March 27, 2014 – email from jhc board chair Marie Dressler: “Matt…. should you choose to personally contact and seek advice from the District’s counsel, I want to make it crystal clear that any such consultation(s) will be solely and totally at your own expense.”
• June 2016 – Hospital Commissioner Matt Ready (me) begins recording a public meeting. He is ordered to turn it off. He is told he is doing wrong by recording. He refuses to turn off the recorder until the meeting is concluded.
• June 2019 – Hospital Commissioner Matt Ready directs transcripts from two above incidents to consultant Karma, frequent paid contractor for the Association of Public Hospital Districts and the Washington State Hospital Association. Karma is scheduled to facilitate a Jefferson Healthcare all day public meeting in October 2019. Karma promises to review the transcripts to be ready to address any issues related to recording at the October 2019 meeting.
• June 2019 – I learn several employees of the the Association of Public Hospital Districts and the Washington State Hospital Association have taken an interest in the book I published with the transcripts of the two above incidents. They promise to read it. I have never heard any comment on the issues back. AWPHD and WSHA have remained totally silent.
• October 2019 – Jefferson Healthcare board members and Karma all fail to acknowledge the right to record and the wrong doing of pressuring someone to turn off their recorder.
• November 2019 – MRSC (Municipal Research and Services Center) contacted by Matt Ready (me) but they refuse to offer an opinion on the matter beyond acknowledging the basic right to record a meeting. MRSC is funded by the Association of Washington Public Hospital Districts. The Association of Washington Public Hospital Districts does not allow elected hospital commissioners to serve on its board.
• December 11, 2019 – Matt Ready (me) publishes my evaluation of the board and CEO calling out the fact that the Jefferson Healthcare board has been denied equal and adequate access to legal council for 6 years in regards to the right of a commissioner to record a public meeting without harassment.
• December 2019 meeting – For the first time ever, a lawyer paid by Jefferson Healthcare agrees to research and give an opinion to the full Jefferson Healthcare board to answer the question: “Can a public hospital commissioner record a meeting over the objection of the rest of the board?”. Please note, at the 2014 meeting, it was claimed that a lawyer gave the hospital all sorts of legal advice and guidance on this matter- but NONE of that was ever written down and given to the board in a legitimate format. It has literally taken 5 years for the board to get a lawyer to agree to give clear specific guidance on this matter.

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Just listen my friends.

• March 2014 – Hospital Commissioner Matt Ready (me) begins recording a public meeting. He is pressured to turn it off. He does.
• March 27, 2014 – email from jhc board chair Marie Dressler: “Matt…. should you choose to personally contact and seek advice from the District’s counsel, I want to make it crystal clear that any such consultation(s) will be solely and totally at your own expense.”
• June 2016 – Hospital Commissioner Matt Ready (me) begins recording a public meeting. He is ordered to turn it off. He is told he is doing wrong by recording. He refuses to turn off the recorder until the meeting is concluded.
• June 2019 – Hospital Commissioner Matt Ready directs transcripts from two above incidents to consultant Karma, frequent paid contractor for the Association of Public Hospital Districts and the Washington State Hospital Association. Karma is scheduled to facilitate a Jefferson Healthcare all day public meeting in October 2019. Karma promises to review the transcripts to be ready to address any issues related to recording at the October 2019 meeting.
• June 2019 – I learn several employees of the the Association of Public Hospital Districts and the Washington State Hospital Association have taken an interest in the book I published with the transcripts of the two above incidents. They promise to read it. I have never heard any comment on the issues back. AWPHD and WSHA have remained totally silent.
• October 2019 – Jefferson Healthcare board members and Karma all fail to acknowledge the right to record and the wrong doing of pressuring someone to turn off their recorder.
• November 2019 – MRSC (Municipal Research and Services Center) contacted by Matt Ready (me) but they refuse to offer an opinion on the matter beyond acknowledging the basic right to record a meeting. MRSC is funded by the Association of Washington Public Hospital Districts. The Association of Washington Public Hospital Districts does not allow elected hospital commissioners to serve on its board.
• December 11, 2019 – Matt Ready (me) publishes my evaluation of the board and CEO calling out the fact that the Jefferson Healthcare board has been denied equal and adequate access to legal council for 6 years in regards to the right of a commissioner to record a public meeting without harassment.
• December 2019 meeting – For the first time ever, a lawyer paid by Jefferson Healthcare agrees to research and give an opinion to the full Jefferson Healthcare board to answer the question: “Can a public hospital commissioner record a meeting over the objection of the rest of the board?”. Please note, at the 2014 meeting, it was claimed that a lawyer gave the hospital all sorts of legal advice and guidance on this matter- but NONE of that was ever written down and given to the board in a legitimate format. It has literally taken 5 years for the board to get a lawyer to agree to give clear specific guidance on this matter.