Parenting Teens: The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have Podcast: Recent Episodes
Hyde School
Do you feel that parenting teens is the biggest job you’ll ever have? Are you wondering about how to help your child discover his or her unique potential? Are you dedicated to raising a child with character and integrity? Based on the Hyde School’s philosophy of “parents are the primary teachers and the home is the primary classroom,” this podcast was created to help parents understand just how to put this philosophy in place in the home, and to discover the transformative outcomes that happen in families who implement it. You will hear from not only experts in the field of raising teenagers, such as educational consultants, authors, and therapists, but also hear from former Hyde parents and students who share their stories of challenges and triumphs on this journey. We welcome you to jump in and start discovering some “ah ha” moments and practices you can implement right away to bring your family closer together and raise self-confident teenagers with character who become inspiring adults.
“I was the kind of parent who was a negotiator; when rules were broken, I would give them an out.” David Yale – Hyde Alumni Parent
David’s wife died when his daughter was eleven years old. Their parenting style together had been to negotiate with their kids. “We wanted them to be happy,” he says.
With his wife’s untimely death, David had to parent not only through his own grief, but that of his kids. It was inevitable that their happiness was important to him and he says he knows he overcompensated for their loss.
“Ultimately,” he shares, “you have to get to a place as a parent where you deal with your kids’ unhappiness with the higher goal of them becoming well-rounded, high-character people. [The Priority] Taking hold and Letting go taught me that I had to give them some of the tools but at the same time it’s up to them to model the behavior or not and deal with whatever comes out of that.”
David shares not only what The Biggest Job Parenting Program taught him about his parenting, but also about the community he found within the program.
“The more vulnerability that I share with my children, the closer we become.” Luc Levensohn, Hyde Alumni Parent
Luc’s daughter was dealing with anxiety in high school, mostly caused by self-applied pressure to achieve in a school culture very focused on achievement.
When Luc and his family found Hyde, he learned a lot about the need for a different kind of communication with his daughter – one based on unconditional love but that still included boundaries and accountability.
In this brief, candid interview with a former Hyde dad, we learn a lot about the specialness of father/daughter relationships and the need to be real.
Focus on yourself.
Pieter Wolters and Ank Stuyfzand are proud of their son’s character and growth; they are also proud of their own growth as parents.
In our series of interviews with Hyde Alumni Parents, I usually ask the question “What was working in your parenting before you got to Hyde?”
Ank Stuyfzand and Pieter Wolters had several answers:
- Ank: We always had high standards for our son and for ourselves.
- Pieter: We kept to the same guidelines in a situation.
- Ank: We kept an open communication with each other.
Despite what sounds like a solid foundation in their parenting, they felt their son needed a school with more structure. They were not seeking a character-based school, but after visiting the school and learning about the curriculum, they were sold on Hyde for their son.
“A huge turning point for me,” said Ank, “was when I was told to focus on myself and let my son focus on himself.”
Pieter and Ank’s story is not unusual; they jumped into The Biggest Job Parent Program with both feet, not really liking it very much at first, but knowing they needed to make some changes in themselves. They advise other parents to do the same. They are proud of where their son is today and proud of themselves as parents.
What’s Your Parenting Style?
Hyde Alumni Parent, Kate Carey, says hers was “Why am I the only one who sees clearly? I’m a victim and I’ve got some resentment.” She describes her husband’s style as “sometimes pampering, sometimes fury.” Both are very descriptive!
Whatever your parenting style, you’ll enjoy this brief but sincere conversation with Kate, who realized in their first experience – the interview – that Hyde was the place for her son. She learned that letting go meant allowing her son to make mistakes and learn from them; appreciating that he could teach his parents some things, and that working on her own growth was the best thing for herself and her whole family.
Podcast 103: Jeff and Melissa Burroughs: Their daughter brought them back to Hyde…
“I didn’t really want my daughter to go away to school…” Jeff Burroughs, former assistant Head of Hyde School, and Hyde Alumni Parent.
As former teachers and administrators at The Hyde School, both Jeff and Melissa Burroughs knew well what the program was like for students and parents. Yet when they found themselves in The Biggest Job Family program with a daughter at the school, their learning about themselves as parents was deeper than even they expected.
“In certain ways,” said Melissa, “my kids felt the need for my approval. I realized I also had felt the need for my parents’ approval when I was growing up. The seminar guidelines gave me some really good tools to be able to step outside myself and look at this.”
“Tell My Story.” - Ryan Reid
Jason (Jay) Reid is doing just that; telling his son, Ryan’s story. Ryan took his life when he was 14, leaving two Post-It Notes: one was the passcode to his computer; the second said “Tell My Story.”
In this podcast we hear from a very brave father who misses his son, wishes he’d been more vulnerable, wishes he’d listened differently. “We need to change the conversation around mental health,” says Jay; “families need to be talking about mental health and asking the right questions.”
Jay has founded an organization called ChooseLife (www.chooselife.org) and is making a documentary to eradicate – not just raise awareness – but ERADICATE teen suicide by the year 2030.
Who would want to do that – crash their career? But it’s the subtitle of the book, Ditch the Gatekeepers and Be Your Own Credential, that brings sense to the title; and it’s a new book written by Isaac Morehouse, a man who likes to call himself radically practical.
Isaac has some pretty radical views on education, careers, and freedom; he believes that if college is a four-year social experience, it seems really overpriced. And “if it’s to prepare you for a successful career, it’s the most absurd format imaginable.” His company, PRAXIS, is a yearlong startup apprenticeship program that helps kids launch a career without a college degree and without debt.
You can find Isaac at www.isaacmorehouse.com
“Kids can’t identify with our achievements.” Joe Gauld, Founder, Hyde School
It’s our 100th podcast! And our very special guest is Joe Gauld, founder of The Hyde School in Bath, ME. I asked Joe to be the guest on our 100th show because it all started with him.
He founded Hyde School to prepare kids for life; after five years, he realized that unless he also reached their parents, he wasn’t helping kids in the best way possible, because the home is the primary classroom and parents are the primary teachers.
The parent program at Hyde is called The Biggest Job Family Program, where parents learn how to put truth over harmony and focus on attitude over aptitude. They also learn that vulnerability is an important trait in parenting.
Welcome to our 100th podcast!
@JoeGauld | Joseph W Gauld | Hyde School
“Nothing is for sure when it comes to our kids; we do the best we know with what we have at the time.” - Dan Scott
Dan Scott is the author of Caught In Between: Engage Your Preteens Before They Check Out; he is also a pastor and writer for Orange Books and speaks to teens and parents about child and adolescent development. He has written several devotionals for kids and believes that faith is as important on Wednesday as it is on the day they are in church or synagogue.
He also believes in our familiar phrase: “Parents are the primary teachers and the home is the primary classroom”.
www.danscottblog.com Twitter and Instagram: @danscott77
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“It’s About Effort, Not IQ” – Title of Chapter 10: The Sport of School, by Christian Buck
There are so many great quotes and teachings in The Sport of School: How to Help Student-Athletes Improve their Grades for High School, College, and Beyond! that it was hard to choose the one that would catch your eye and make you want to listen to this podcast. Here are a few more:
- “Is our goal to prepare our students for the next four years or the next 40?”
- “While I am a big proponent of goals, I am a greater proponent of a clear vision.”
- “True change on the part of your student involves change for you as well, and the recognition that ultimately your student must make the decision to motivate himself or herself.”
Sound familiar?
Christian Buck left a career on Wall Street, got an advanced degree in sports psychology and now works with students to help them see that school can be approached the same way they approach sports in their lives: with vision, goals and hard work. There’s great advice here for parents wanting to help their kids in the same way.
www.ChristianBuck.com; on Twitter @CBuckconsulting
We talk today with Ron Lieber, author of The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money. What parent wouldn’t want that?
“It’s hard for parents to talk to their kids about money,” says Ron; “they are not dispassionate about money, and not calm and rational about their kids.” His book gives great advice for parents on all things about kids and money, and the connection between money and values. There are also wonderful stories and ideas from real families that he interviewed.
Ron is the “Your Money” columnist for The New York Times. His next book, “What to Pay for College: An Entirely New Guide to the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make,” will be published by Harper Collins in 2020.
You can find him at www.ronlieber.com.
We talk today with Ron Lieber, author of The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money. What parent wouldn’t want that?
“It’s hard for parents to talk to their kids about money,” says Ron; “they are not dispassionate about money, and not calm and rational about their kids.” His book gives great advice for parents on all things about kids and money, and the connection between money and values. There are also wonderful stories and ideas from real families that he interviewed.
Ron is the “Your Money” columnist for The New York Times. His next book, “What to Pay for College: An Entirely New Guide to the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make,” will be published by Harper Collins in 2020.
You can find him at www.ronlieber.com.
“Parents need to listen to their teen. Support them in becoming who they want to be, not who you want them to be.” Marilyn Price-Mitchell, PhD
Marilyn Price-Mitchell is a developmental psychologist, who works as a researcher and writer. For the last decade she’s focused efforts on studying how parents, educators and mentors nurture positive strengths in children.
In her free e-book “Reframing Success,” she lists eight attributes that are important in children and teens:
- Empathy
- Curiosity
- Sociability
- Resilience
- Self-awareness
- Integrity
- Resourcefulness
- Creativity
You can find Marilyn at www.rootsofaction.com; in Psychology Today, where she is a regular columnist; or at www.mpricemitchell.com.
Would you, as a parent, buy your kid’s way into college?
Signe Wilkinson, cartoon du jour TOON14, Admissions Scam
"Here at Hyde School, we want kids to do the honorable thing without thinking about it."Malcolm Gauld, Director, The Hyde Institute
Malcolm has been a teacher, coach and head of school at Hyde School; he is currently Director of The Hyde Institute, an organization established to take Hyde’s unique approach to family-based character education to other schools in the nation.
He was not surprised to learn that some parents would buy their student’s way into college; but he was surprised by the extent of it.
“The parents have deprived their children of a very important rite of passage; the college application is the first time that an 18 year old takes their credentials into the world to see what the world says. Parents need to see how their children handle that.’
In this podcast, we look at how the lack of integrity on the part of many people involved in the admissions cheating contributed to the outcome.
Read Malcolm's blog article, "Personal Character > College Prestige" on the subject.
“You can’t take the struggle out of parenting – it’s built in. The real question is, how much are we willing to challenge ourselves?”
This quote from When Kids Call the Shots: How to Seize Control from Your Darling Bully - and Enjoy Being a Parent Again by Sean Glover, is just one of many wise things about parenting you will hear in this interview.
Sean is a psychotherapist, speaker, and author with 25 years’ experience working with adults and children in New York City. His approach to parenting is the same as The Biggest Job’s: “When parents model the behaviors they want to see in their kids, they lead the way to better communication and a better relationship.”
You can find Sean at www.seangrover.com.
“Listen, listen, listen.” – Chris Guidera, Hyde Alumni Parent
Chris Guidera, husband of Ali di Groot who was on the show last week, had similar words as his wife about his parenting: “I thought I had all the answers,” he admits; “and I learned that I needed to listen more. The family I grew up in - somebody was always talking; nobody listened.”
Chris thought he was doing it differently than how he was raised, but learned he wasn’t. He made changes in his parenting through The Biggest Job Parenting Program and ultimately changed the level of trust between his daughter and himself.
“Before we went to Hyde, I was parenting from a very angry place.” Ali de Groot, Hyde Alumni Parent
Ali embraced the parenting program, once she realized what was being asked of her, and says that her parenting changed drastically. “We didn’t have to keep saying things like, do your homework, do your homework.
The parent training taught me to just, one by one, let go of my attachments to all the outcomes and to focus on myself. I was able to treat my daughter much more calmly; I wasn’t angry anymore.”
In this podcast, Ali shares how The Biggest Job Parent program changed her, her parenting, and all her relationships.
Eric Karlan, Creative Commons license, image has been cropped
“What Do I Need to Know About You?” is Eric Karlan’s favorite question to students.
Eric Karlan is co-owner of an organization called Ivy Experience, which helps students prepare for ACT and SAT testing, write college essays and complete college applications.
Don’t let the name of his company fool you into thinking that he only helps students interested in Ivy League Schools; he helps students and families interested in ANY school. He wants to know how a student is engaged in the world, and helps them find their unique story – what sets them apart – what their values and quirks are, and the obstacles they’ve overcome.
He asks the question, “What do I need to know about you?” because he believes that sharing one’s authenticity and passion is the most important part of helping students get to the right topic for their college essay. “What is an admissions officer?” Eric asks; “He or she is a person; and people accept other people.”
- Eric’s website is www.ivyexperience.com
- He has an enlightening Ted Talk at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTUjyf18XL8&t=8s
"As my children know from early on what I told them repeatedly… the two most important possessions a person has is their word and their integrity."
Dr. Bruce E. Berger, MD, Associate Professor of Medicine, Emeritus
School of Medicine, Case Western Reserve University.
A tumultuous divorce and custody battle led Bruce to seek a school that would give his son structure, stability and an academic education that was character-based.
Having been awarded custody of his two children when they were young, he parented from a rule-based approach; what he learned through The Biggest Job Family Program was that he was parenting from his own anxiety about his situation, not from his principles.
Bruce’s circumstance might be different, but his parenting challenges can be seen in many of our own stories.
Can students achieve more by doing less in college?
“YES!” says Kyle Winey, college productivity expert, in his book, Hackiversity: The Secrets to Achieving More by Doing Less in College.
When I read the title of this book, my first thought was, “Is this guy going to tell kids and parents that you really don’t have to study in college?” What I found out was the opposite. Kyle’s recommendations are:
- Achieve Self-Awareness by finding your passion, your strengths, your purpose and figuring out what lifestyle you want.
- Maximize Your Marketability through your college selection, the megatrends out there today, the selection of your major, your grades, internships, networking and your character (which he calls non-negotiable skills).
“Hacking college isn’t meant to show you all of the ingredients involved with college success,” says Kyle. “It’s to help identify the few elements that rocket you toward success faster and with less effort.”
Our podcast conversation with Kyle gives you glimpses into Kyle’s premise and philosophy, which I think you’ll find fascinating.
You can learn more about Kyle and HACKiversity at www.hackiversity.com. In addition to HACKiversity the book, Kyle's HACKiversity Project features a college selection tool designed to generate a list of colleges that are right for you, based on your location, grades, and budget.
“I learned that I had to be consistently patient and patiently consistent in my parenting.”
Dennis Cavalli, Hyde Alumni Parent
Dennis and Claire Cavalli went through The Biggest Job Parent program almost ten years ago at Hyde School, but they are still using what they learned.
“I was just going through the motions of living my life,” says Claire; “I was doing what I thought I should do, or what the books said.”
In this is podcast, you’ll find out how the parent program helped them change as individuals and as a couple; how this change helped their son; and how people in their community are now coming to them, seeking help.
In the first of our series on parenting wisdom from Hyde Alumni Parents, Laura Main says:
“I was willing to do whatever I was asked to help my son, including if it was hanging upside down from the rooftop by rope from my ankles.”
I think most parents feel this way. The family is doing great, is, in fact, a great family, and suddenly things aren’t going so well; perhaps there are struggles between the parents, a separation or divorce; a teen feels they need more independence; a parent feels the child needs more accountability. Whatever the reason, the student, and perhaps the whole family, is not thriving.
Laura and Doug share what their parenting was like before sending their son to Hyde, how their parenting changed, and what it’s like now. They admit they learned a great deal about themselves, both as individuals and as parents in The Biggest Job Family Program.
“What’s missing in many American lives is an everyday place for conversation about sexuality. We have “do” and “don’t”, but almost no “hmmm – let’s think about that…” ~ Bonnie Rough
Having the chance to live for a period of time in Holland, Bonnie Rough and her young family experienced firsthand the way the Dutch have learned to teach their children about sex, sexuality and gender equality. Her latest book, Beyond Birds and Bees: Bringing Home a New Message to Our Kids about Sex, Love, and Equality, and our conversation in this podcast, are filled with humor, humility, and heart. She is forth coming about her own doubts and how she struggled to overcome them and give her children the foundations in sexual education to never feel shame about their bodies and their sexuality.
Bonnie can be found at www.bonniejrough.com and on social media.
Natalie Borrell of Life Success for Teens
That’s what we all want for our teens, isn’t it? Well, have you ever thought about having a coach for your teen? To help them deal with anxiety, fear of loss, and fear of rejection? Sure, all parents would like to be the person their teen turns to for help with these things, but what if you’re not? What if your teen doesn’t want you to be the one to help them deal with their test anxiety, presentation skills and how to talk to their teachers?
It might be a hard pill to swallow, but remember what we say in The Biggest Job Workshops: “Humility is one of the most important qualities in parenting.”
This podcast with Natalie Borrell, a school psychologist, and Alison Grant, a teacher with a license in counseling, of Life Success for Teens, (www.lifesuccessforteens.com) gives us insight into teenage anxiety and some great tips for dealing with it. They can also be found on Facebook at Parents Raising Successful Teens – a free community group.
Richard Preece, author of Live Big
Richard Preece works for a global investment management company. After graduating from The Biggest Job Parenting program at Hyde School, he took the Ten Priorities into his work place, teaching and modeling them in this country and abroad.
“There’s not really any difference between what challenges people at home and what challenges them at work; so the 10 Priorities work wherever you are and whatever you’re doing,” he says.
Richard has written a book called Live Big: Creating the Life You Never Dared to Dream which is available on Amazon. If interested in finding out how to implement The 10 Priorities at your work place, contact Richard at rpreece56@yahoo.com.
The 10 Priorities
- Truth over Harmony
- Principles over Rules
- Attitude over Aptitude
- Set High Expectations, Let Go of Outcomes
- Value Success and Failure
- Allow Obstacles to Become Opportunities
- Take Hold and Let Go
- Create a Character Culture
- Humility to Ask for and Accept Help
- Inspiration: Job # 1
Lisa Wade, author of American Hookup
If the title of this book, American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus, by Lisa Wade, PhD., startles you, the information and descriptions in the book may shock you. But tune in to this podcast so you can find out the truth about how pervasive hook-up culture on college campuses is today, its pervasiveness and effects on students.
In an up-front conversation, Lisa Wade, associate professor of Sociology at Occidental College, gives us insight into the history of the hook-up culture on college campuses, the reasons students choose to hook-up, or choose to avoid it, and what colleges could do to change this culture.
“Seeing what’s happening on campus as a culture – recognizing that it’s not the hookup itself, but hookup culture that is the problem – is the first step to changing it,” she writes.
Lisa travels nationally, giving talks about hookup culture. You can find her on twitter (@lisawade); on Instagram (lisawadephd) or at https://lisa-wade.com
Are you a perfectionist? Is it influencing your child to be perfect also?
“Focus instead on who are you as a person, what do you stand for, what do you believe in, what are your deeper principles, and how are you going to live a life that adheres to that? And if you do, you’re going to achieve what you’re meant to achieve, and it’s not a societal standard and it’s not better than other people, it’s your personal best.” ~ Claire Grant
Claire, who is Executive Director of The Biggest Job Family Program at Hyde School, talks candidly about perfectionism in her own life as a teenager; how it happened, and her struggle to be satisfied with her own effort. She gives tips to parents who might be expecting perfection, and who are parenting out of guilt because they feel they should be more or because they’ve let their kid down in some way.
Lenore Skenazy, President & Co-Founder of Let Grow
In a world where parents are getting a lot of blame, here’s a different answer for why kids are so anxious about everything. Enter Lenore Skenazy, founder of LET GROW (www.letgrow.org) and author of Free Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry).
“NO!” she says, “It’s not the parents; it’s this culture that has written everything that kids do, see, eat, hear, read, lick – whatever - encounter as something that will be difficult and possibly dangerous…”**
This is an informative and high-energy conversation with the woman who started the free range kids movement, now a law in the state of Utah and a pending bill in other states. (https://www.npr.org/2018/04/01/598630200/utah-passes-free-range-parenting-law)
Lenore and her team have also started Let Grow, an organization that includes the Let Grow Project for parents and the Let Grow Play Club for schools. Let Grow is trying to help parents, schools and communities get back to raising resilient, independent kids. You can download free materials for projects to do at home and at school from the website www.letgrow.org
Contact Lenore at www.letgrow.org to arrange a speaking engagement or to get more information.
“Addiction takes over everything… it’s this brain disease that affects individuals and changes their whole view of life and their whole view of relationships.”
~ Katherine Ketcham
The Only Life I Could Save is Katherine Ketcham’s seventeenth book; she has co-authored sixteen others, ten of which are on the subject of addiction and recovery.
For years she worked with kids in a Juvenile Detention Center, but when addiction lands in her own family, nothing she learned from the kids in “juvie” seemed to help.
From the flyleaf: “This book is a raw and moving memoir of heartbreak, healing and profound transformation; … of what Katherine deems the most important lessons of faith, hope, acceptance, and forgiveness.”
This podcast introduces you to a very brave woman, a brave family, and a son who continues to lead and inspire them all.
You can find Katherine at www.katherineketchambooks.com or ketchak@gmail.com
What if your teen doesn’t want to go to college?
“Only 11 percent of employers believe new college graduates have the skills their businesses need. Seventy-one percent of employers said they would consider hiring a person without a degree over a person with a degree.” ~ Ryan Craig.
Ryan Craig is an investor and author of A New U: Faster + Cheaper Alternatives to College (BenBella Books). In this book, he explains why he feels colleges are not educating kids for today’s jobs; what’s wrong with career services departments at universities; and what the alternatives to college are - alternatives that are faster, cheaper and put kids on a track to avoid layers of debt from a college diploma.
“Faster + cheaper alternatives aren’t pathways to vocational or blue collar jobs, but rather to digital new collar careers,” he writes.
The book is enlightening and fascinating; and this interview will peak your interest and raise your level of awareness about alternatives to college that don’t incur debt and the possibility of no job after four years of study.
The best place to find Ryan is on twitter: @ryancraiguv
Do your kids say things like this…?
Hear the inside scoop from three students about what they learned in the Inner Leadership Program at Hyde School…
- “We asked ourselves, how are we as a family going to flourish?” – Evan Davis
- “I could choose to be curious about my role in the family, or I could just avoid the truth [about it].” – Brett Van Vort
- “My family is so much more open with each other now; there’s not really anything that we can’t talk about.” - Jenny Balter
There’s much more on this podcast from these three students on what they learned in the various pieces of the program, from confidence in public speaking and independence and trust in themselves, to finding the balance between having fun and still being a good role model.
These students, each now in college, are honest, and self-reflective. I found them quite amazing in the way they could articulate their answers.
Our podcast today will explain the answers to the above questions, as we talk with Laura Gauld, Head of School and President of the Hyde School Organization.
Hyde School’s Inner Leadership Program, where the journey of your unique potential begins, is the promise to all students who graduate from the school. There are five deliverables within this promise:
- Self awareness: what are my strengths? What is my vision? What are my obstacles?
- Public speaking confidence
- The importance of taking on challenges outside one’s comfort zone
- Meaningful relationships: understanding what they are and how to create them
- The family context: understanding the dynamics and influence of my family
Listen to this podcast and hear how these deliverables are accomplished at Hyde School.
“When it comes to being a step parent, there isn’t one right way, because every family dynamic is different. You’re marrying the package: you’re marrying ex-spouses; you’re marrying the kids…; the right way is your way for you.”
~ Lisa Walker
The above quote is just a small piece of the wonderful wisdom you’ll hear on step-parenting in this podcast with Lisa Walker. When she married, he had a son in the ninth grade; the boy’s mother was very much in the picture, and as biological parents they had a fear of holding their son accountable.
As a step parent, Lisa learned that standing up for her own values was the thing that would most help her step son. An adult now, he’s told her this mattered; that he is the man he is today, in part, because of her love and respect for him.
"Clear limits and boundaries aren’t just nice or good for children and teens; they’re bedrock.”
~ Deborah Roffman: Talk To Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ “Go-To” Person about Sex.
In part two of our series with Debbie Roffman, she teaches us the importance of the five-piece suit of parenting, mentioned briefly in part one. Those five parts are:
- Affirmation
- Information
- Clarity about Values
- Limits and Boundaries
- Guidance
She emphasizes the importance of letting our kids know, clearly, what our values are, in all aspects of life including sexuality; of “being the parent;” and to communicate the humanity of being sexual with another human being.
Debbie is referred to by her colleagues as the most articulate professional voice in the US on the need for broad-based human sexuality education. She works with parents, schools and students all across the country.
You can find her at www.talk2mefirst.com.
Are you looking for a “way in” to have the sex talk with your teen?
Deborah Roffman
Deborah Roffman has the answers for us in her book, Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ “Go-To” Person about Sex.
In the preface of her book she writes: “What I hope you’ll discover most of all, if you haven’t already, is the joyfulness to be found in educating and guiding your children around this most central and amazing part of our humanity.”
In the first of a two-part series Debbie explains why it’s so important for our kids to hear information about sexuality from a trusted adult first, and where they go when the information isn’t from that person.
Debbie publishes widely throughout national media, and does workshops and trainings for teachers, parents, counselors and students at schools and organizations across the country. In 2016 she was named as one of Time Magazine’s 16 Top Parenting Experts for the 21st Century.
You can find her at www.talk2mefirst.com.
“Integrity is a way you live your life, a way you make decisions every day, and how you treat others… it’s the little things you do that get seen as the bigger things.” ~ Geri Goldstein
Geri’s comment, above, comes from experience. There was an “elephant” in the living room in her family; after years of enabling others in the family, Geri found within herself what it took to speak the truth about it.
This story has an uplifting and positive ending, thanks to Geri’s integrity and courage, and the entire family’s ability to ask others for help.
Don’t miss this one!
“Do your kids know more about gender and sexual attraction than you do?”
Amy Lang, of Birds and Bees and Kids (www.birdsandbeesandkids.com), and the author of Birds and Bees and YOUR Kids, and Dating Smarts: What EVERY teen needs to know to date, relate or wait!, joins us for a second podcast – this time about gender, sexual attraction, what it means to be gender fluid, what is cisgender? Pansexual? And more…
“Trust your child to know their gender, even if it doesn’t conform to the gender they were assigned at birth and may not make sense to you. Gender is not about what genitals a person has, but who they know themselves to be in their heart.”
Amy is starting her own podcast which will be a Q & A podcast; phone her at 206-926-1522 and leave your questions.
She gives terrific advice to parents on this subject; you’ll want to hear what she has to say in this podcast.
R U Ok?: Teen Depression & Suicide is the title of a book by author Kristi Hugstad, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist and credentialed health educator.
After her husband completed suicide, Kristi bought every book on grief she found and says her living room looked like a recovery library; because of her experience and her new understanding of what she wished she had known, (the title of a previous book she wrote is What I Wish I’d Known), Kristi wrote R U Ok?, a book for parents, educators and teens.*
This interview with Kristi is up-lifting, enlightening and down to earth at the same time. Her presentation of the causes for the depression which can then lead to suicide are straightforward and thought provoking.
If you have not had “the talk” - and Kristi doesn’t mean the sex talk, she means the talk about suicide - with your teen, it’s just as important as the other talks from parents, like “don’t text and drive!”
Through a grant, R U Ok?* is available for schools and organizations, free of charge. Contact Kristi at www.thegriefgirl.com to ask for your copies.
What can parents do to reduce the chance of teens hurting themselves?
Kirrilie Smout
This is the title of an article (and today’s podcast) with Kirrilie Smout, clinical psychologist and founder of Developing Minds: Helping kids & teens learn life skills & manage tough times, located near Adelaide, Australia.
In a nutshell, Kirrilie says:
- We should do everything we can to help teens be connected with a peer group. (And she gives suggestions on how to do this.)
- We need to help teens learn strategies to cope when they are feeling agitated, stressed, hopeless and overwhelmed. (And she describes some of them.)
In the article, there is a link for some of these strategies:
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning/create-beyondnow-safety-plan
Beyond Blue is in Australia, but the coping strategies are universal. She asked that I give several links in the United States:
https://www.newhavenrtc.com/self-harm-help/effective-therapies-for-adolescent-cutting/
https://www.aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Adolescent_Self_Harm.aspx
Kirrilie has also written two books that are available through her website: www.developingminds.net.au
- When Life Sucks: ideas and tactics for teens in tough times
- When Life Sucks for Kids: ideas and tips for when you feel mad, worried or sad – or life gets kind of messy.
Are you worried about an eating disorder in your child?
Then you’ll definitely want to listen to this podcast with Dana Suchow, national speaker and activist on eating disorders. Dana has personally overcome bulimia, binge eating, and exercise compulsion and has a firsthand understanding of how eating disorders can get started and what parents can do.
Dana has been seen on Good Morning America and ABC News; she’s been interviewed by Vogue, Marie Claire, and numerous other publications. Our interview includes her views on the contributions social media and the diet culture are making to the issue of eating disorders, how parents unwittingly contribute to the problem; and the fact that eating disorders are so often combined with other things.
If you have questions because your child has or you think they may have an eating disorder, Dana suggests contacting The National Eating Disorders Association at www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.
Dana’s focus is preventative, and she speaks to parents, teachers or anyone involved with raising kids. You can find Dana at www.danasuchow.com or on Instagram @danasuchow.
“Parenting through puberty is demanding; [but] remember that your teen needs and loves you, even in the moment that he or she appears to have forgotten this fact!”
This is just one of the many great reminders about parenting adolescents in a wonderful new book by pediatrician, Dr. Suanne Kowal-Connelly called Parenting Through Puberty: Mood Swings, Acne, and Growing Pains, published by the American Academy of Pediatrics. It’s advertised as an ultimate guide to puberty, and indeed it is.
Dr. Suanne, as her patients call her, covers the nuts and bolts of what happens to children’s bodies as they go through the 5 stages of puberty (both boys and girls); issues of self-esteem and body image; concerns that parents have about the timing of puberty; the developing brain of a teenager; the relationship with a pediatrician; guidance for parents of adolescents with special needs; the subject of physical literacy; and lots on health and wellness.
There are also resources on all the subjects she writes about, including eating disorders, depression and anxiety.
The book is a great read and a wonderful reference book for all things adolescent. You can find Dr. Suanne through her website and blog (www.healthpoweredbyyou.com), or on twitter at https://twitter.com/suannekowal.
Dr. Suanne Kowal-Connelly
“What do parents of high school and college kids fear most?”
This is a question I ask Shannon Evans, the scholar coach. A former teacher, Shannon turned to helping families find the right college because as a teacher, she found that kids were not often coming up with the right fit for themselves when it came to going to college.
She uses a family questionnaire, which she describes in this interview, in which parents have to answer questions about their kids: their preferences, their values, their likes and dislikes. She says, “There are often big surprises when the family reconvenes and shares their answers with each other.”
You can find Shannon at https://thescholarcoach.com/.com, and she welcomes free, 20 minute consultations to answer you initial questions.
As a parent, have you ever felt like you were drowning? It can be a lonely feeling when your child or your family is going off-track. Where do you turn? What do you do?
Ed and Linda Murphy found help at the Hyde School in Bath, Maine. And through The Biggest Job Family Program they learned how to parent from their principles, letting go of parenting from fear, guilt or control.
This is a short podcast but a powerful conversation with long time Hyde alumni parents who are very grateful for the life boat that came along and rescued their drowning family.
Are you worried about the effect of social media on your kids? If so, this podcast may put your mind at ease, at least about some aspects of all that kids are exposed to in the media and on devices.
Caroline Knorr, senior parenting editor for Common Sense Media,* shares with us her wisdom about what parents should watch for and the questions they need to ask their kids about what’s going on with them when they’re on their devices.
“In general, social media is a positive with our kids,” Caroline says. “We need to encourage what’s good, and minimize any risks or anything that could exacerbate what’s already there [as a problem] for a child.”
You can find Caroline at cknorr@commonsense.org. She enjoys hearing from parents.
*Common Sense Media is an organization that provides reviews on all products to which kids are exposed, including movies, apps, games, and even you-tube channels. Their website is www.commonsensemedia.org Watch for their latest research report in September, 2018.
Do you consider yourself an honest family, but you don’t talk about the elephant in the room?
Many families are like this; they avoid talking about the really tough stuff; and then kids quickly learn what it’s okay to talk about and what is off limits.
Sheri and Alan Brooks sent three kids to The Hyde School, and went through The Biggest Job Family Program three times. “The third time we did a parent retreat,” they said, “we finally got to the deep issues between us, got honest about them, and began to inspire our children in a totally new way. We were an honest family, but we never talked about the elephant in the room,” said Alan.
In this podcast, Sheri and Alan talk about how The Biggest Job Family program helped them come to an adult-to-adult relationship with each of their now grown children. You’ll enjoy their humor and candor about how they stopped being helicopter parents and inspired their children with their willingness to parent differently.
“Providing information about sex is not the same as giving permission.” ~ Amy Lang
Amy Lang has written two great books on how to talk to your kids about sex. The first one, titled Birds + Bees + Your Kids is also the name of her company: BirdsAndBeesAndKids.com. She teaches parents the importance of clarifying their own values and beliefs about sexuality, love, and relationships, thus forming the solid foundation needed to have the sex talks.
Her second book, Dating Smarts: What EVERY teen needs to know to date, relate or wait is for parents to read and then to give to their teens to read. Nothing is left out in these books. “A well educated child [about sex] is a safer child,” Amy explains.
She does workshops for parents on how to teach kids about sex; and she welcomes questions. You can find her blog and website at https://birdsandbeesandkids.com/ and email her at amy@birdsandbeesandkids.com.
"The greatest impact on children are the unlived lives of adults.” Carl Jung
In our last five parenting mantras, Laura Gauld, co-author of the book, The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have, mentions this quote. “We need the help of others to get to our own greatness as parents.”
The mantras in this podcast are about living the kind of life as a parent that will inspire our children; that will model character for them; and that will show our kids our spirit.
The final five mantras are:
- Others see you as you cannot see yourself.
- Embrace curiosity and learn something new each day.
- IPSES: Intellectual, Physical, Spiritual, Emotional, Social
- No one taps into their greatness without the help of others.
- Inspiration: Job # 1
Do you see your teen in a way that is only one dimensional? Does your teen see you the same way?
This is a question that Kristin Harman, Director of Admissions at the Hyde School, encourages parents to look at as they decide if they want to start parenting in the exceptional way that The Biggest Job Family Program teaches parents to do.
After working at seven different schools in her career, Kristin came to the Hyde School. She finds that the interview process helps kids and parents listen differently to each other and this begins to establish a deeper trust in each other.
In this podcast, Kristin also talks about how she views the influence of social media; the increase of anxiety in teens; and answers the question, “Is depression sometimes a mask for anxiety?”
This is a great way to help ourselves, as parents, keep our kids from manipulating us says author, Laura Gauld.
The mantras in today’s podcast are:
- View each day as an opportunity for growth
- Do the unexpected (and keep your child off guard.)
- Let go of perfection.
- Take hold of excellence
- Be a good friend and make new friends.
When big parenting issues come up, do you ever think “…if only he/she would just do it my way? Then we could solve this and move on!”
As you well know, it doesn’t usually happen this way. “Kids highlight the real challenge in the family: the one between the parenting partners,” writes Vicki in this wonderful hands-on book.
A true proponent of fostering independence in kids, Vicki teaches us that looking at how we were parented and melding that with the experience of our partner is truly a challenge. She believes that “having a strong marriage and having solid parenting strategies is not enough to successfully negotiate the tricky terrain of co-parenting with someone who has an entirely different idea on how to raise the kids.”
So how do we meld ideas on parenting in order to co-parent? This book (and this podcast) will help get you started.
You can find Vicki at www.vickihoefle.com
You can also listen to our first interview with Vicki, about her book Duct Tape Parenting.
We learn in today’s podcast with speaker and author, Laura Gauld, that the word “accept” is an important part of parenting. Laura talks about accepting what our own parents gave us, taking a look at how we listen, and actually reaching out and seeking honesty about how others see us.
Today’s mantras are:
- Accept what your own parents gave you, what they tried to give you and what they were unable to give you.
- Get up every day and model character in the little moments.
- Give others permission to be totally honest with you.
- Do something each day for your pure joy.
- Share successes and failures with your child.
Are you trying to be “the perfect mom?” Think you’re “not very good at being a mother…?” This podcast and book are for you!
Mommy Burnout: How to Reclaim Your Life and Raise Healthier Children in the Process
Although the title of this book, by Dr. Sheryl Ziegler, might sound like a book for mothers of younger children, be assured that it’s not. Moms of teenagers experience burnout too, and can benefit from not only listening to this podcast but also reading the book.
Burnout has its symptoms and it has its remedies, and Dr. Ziegler is an expert in both. In our podcast, Dr. Ziegler talks about how burnout can affect so many parts of a woman’s life: friendships, partnerships, work, and of course, our kids.
The podcast is a great introduction to a book I highly recommend. Dr. Ziegler can be found at www.drsherylziegler.com; and the book at www.mommyburnout.com.
“We will be parents until we breathe our last breath.” - Laura Gauld
This parenting fundamental and the mantras that explain it teach us the importance of continuing to grow and change as parents. We are never too old to look at our own attitudes and change the ones that might be holding us back; or to take risks in our lives.
The five mantras in this podcast are:
- Lead by example.
- Respect yourself.
- Grow, risk and change.
- Take risks in front of your child.
- Tackle the deep attitudes that hold you back.
“Our conscience is the compass of our destiny.” - Laura Gauld
So how do we teach conscience to our kids? Advice on that, and the last five mantras of Parenting Fundamental # 4 are discussed in today’s podcast with Laura.
- Let your conscience be your guide.
- See the small moments of inspiration.
- The darkest times bring about the deepest lessons.
- Do not compare yourself or your child to others.
- Trust in a higher power.
Discover more advice from the parenting village at www.biggestjob.com.
Grit is a word that we hear a lot these days; we talk about it in the Biggest Job Workshops, and in part 2 of our conversation with Rebecca Mannis, a learning specialist who founded Ivy-Prep, we learn that grit is something that can be intentionally taught to kids.
“There are ways in which we can step back and understand what our responses are and appreciate our experience”, Dr. Mannis says. “Encourage your kids to appreciate why it is they may be feeling a certain way; encourage them to try something even if it brings up discomfort.”
Dr. Mannis also shares in this podcast her views about how technology has increased anxiety in kids.
Her website: www.ivy-prep.com
Dr. Rebecca Mannis, a learning specialist and founder of Ivy Prep, says that each child has a natural way of learning, whether they are intellectually gifted or specifically challenged with a learning issue. Her Ivy Prep Learning Center bridges the fields of neuropsychology and education in a targeted and customized way to help students of all ages in NYC and worldwide. The Ivy Prep approach uses methods, tools and tech that enhance learning via a cohesive education action plan that tends to the total individual.
In this interview, Dr. Mannis talks about how students come to understand how they learn best and how to work effectively on their own at home and at school. This is called “metacognitive awareness – awareness of one’s own thought process.”
But don’t let the big words keep you from listening; Dr. Mannis explains her field and puts everything into terms any parent can understand. There are specific ways parents and teachers can help kids become their own best guides. And it’s all closely related to unique potential!
Her website: www.ivy-prep.com
“Parenting is messy,” says Laura Gauld. When I think about this, it’s really true! Parenting is messy. Just accepting this might make the job a little easier, don’t you think? We might not get so caught up in how we look as a parent or how we’re doing at the job. It’s also important to remember that humor and humility are two very important traits in parenting.
In this podcast, Laura shares with us the following mantras from Fundamental #4 (Have faith in your child’s unique potential and the larger forces at work):
- Take hold and let go.
- Humility to ask for and accept help.
- You may not always see the teacher in your child’s life.
- “Turn that attitude into gratitude.”
- Let go of yesterday and tomorrow.
This is an intriguing question that Neha Gupta, founder of Elite Private Tutors and College Shortcuts answers on her blog at www.eliteprivatetutors.com/2016/10/students-beg-colleges-accept-instead-way-around .
Neha’s enthusiasm for what she does shines through in what she shares with us about how to motivate students, how to give them confidence, and her warning about how the common app might make every applicant common. “What is that thing that makes you, you?” she asks students?
Neha can be found at www.eliteprivatetutors.com and www.collegeshortcuts.com
She is also a speaker and author of the book, The 4-Year Plan, which you can find on her website and costs only the shipping charges.
“You are in this game for the long haul!”
I know you’ve heard this said before, or in different ways, but hang on to this mantra, as it’s so important. Hang on, too, to the vision you have for your child. Sometimes they may say they don’t have a vision for themselves, or they don’t care, but they do; “every child wants to be somebody.”
Today’s mantras are important (aren’t they all?) – but they can escape our memories and our practice of parenting when we get caught up in so much “every day stuff.” So listen carefully, listen twice, even, and share this and all our podcasts with your friends. (We can add your friends to our list so they receive the notices directly.)
Included in today’s podcast are the following mantras:
- Set High expectations and let go of the outcome. (Parenting Priority 4)
- Hold on to both the reality and vision you have for your child.
- Believe in yourself and the best of your child.
- Let go of all the “what ifs” and believe that your child is capable of figuring it out.
- You are in this game for the long haul.
Parenting Fundamental 4: Have faith in your child’s unique potential and the larger forces at work.
This 13th podcast with Laura Gauld is a special one. (Not that they aren’t all great!)
This fourth fundamental is a wonderful tool to help us as parents let go when things go off track – getting out of the way so our kids can experience some short-term struggles for long-term gain - learning something about themselves, acquiring some grit and some courage. Laura also talks about labels we put on our kids and the importance of creating a partnership based on trust with your child’s teachers and coaches.
Today’s mantras are:
- Allow obstacles to become opportunities
- Resist labels of any kind
- Give others permission to challenge your child
- Who you are is more important than what you can do.
- "Your children are not your children."
Did you know that a college application only gets minutes in front of admissions officers? How do you construct an application that stands out in this sea of competition?
With four million seniors each year competing for coveted spots at colleges, an application needs to effectively communicate a student’s achievements and potential to give them the best chance at admission - whether your student is applying to an Ivy League or a different dream school.
Today we are speaking with Amber Jin, the founder of Get Into Ivy, about the college application process - from the number one mistake students make, to must-have elements that will help them make an impression on admissions officers.
Parents, you’ll want your student to listen in, and you will want to tune in until the end to find out where you can be most impactful in the process.
Visit www.getintoivy.com for a very informative article for parents called The Parents’ Guide to College Application; and additional tools and resources to guide you and your student through the college application process.
Do you remember the power of a “look” from your parents when you were growing up? That’s the first mantra discussed on this podcast with Laura Gauld, as we wrap up parenting fundamental #3 on building family traditions. How did we know what our parents meant when they gave us the “look”, and how can we get back to that in parenting today?
Full of great tips, this conversation covers Mantras 56-60:
- Remember the power of a “look”
- Always call the other parents
- What you pay attention to is what you reinforce
- Go to your children’s physical location
- Keep one foot in front of the other.
"Focus on family spirit and not family image."
What an important and thought-provoking mantra, especially in a world where image seems to be everything.
But how do we do this? “It’s not easy,” says Laura Gauld; “and it’s usually a struggle or challenge in the family that gets us to the point of understanding that each family does have a family spirit, and that family spirit is more important than our family image.”
The mantras in this podcast are:
- Plan an activity with each child.
- Value and expect manners
- Teach a firm handshake and eye contact.
- Teach a family motto and live it.
- Focus on family spirit and not family image.
“If you want to go fast in your life, go alone; if you want to go far, go together.” African Proverb
“Life is not just about taking care of ourselves.” Laura Gauld
Both of the above quotes are covered in this podcast, as well as many other meaningful tips from mantras 46 – 50 under Parenting Fundamental # 3: Build Family Traditions:
- Light candles at the dinner table (or at breakfast or lunch!)
- Talk to your child when you are in the car (and listen to them also.)
- Family jobs (Are you teaching your child how to work?)
- Reach out and give back as a family (Kids will remember this family experience.)
- Bring rigor, synergy and conscience into the home. (What does this really mean?)
“When parents change the way they interact with their sons and daughters, they pave the way for transformation.”
Bobbi DePorter is the founder of Super Camp, a camp for kids that’s been around for 35 years and is now in 19 different countries.
While Super Camp is for kids, The Seven Biggest Teen Problems and How to Turn Them into Strengths is a book written for parents to help them see what changes they need to make to effect changes in their children.
“We’re different from most other programs because we’re purposefully evolving,” says Bobbi in her book. She and her team of facilitators have identified the most common difficulties they see teens facing and boiled them down to seven main issues:
- Troubled Relationships
- Emotional Hurt
- Negative Self-Image
- Fear of Disruptive Change
- Poor Grades
- Lack of Focus
- Low Motivation
You can find Bobbi at www.supercamp.com
"The big picture of raising children is done with the actions, routines and practices that make up lifetime memories, habits and character," says Laura Gauld, author and head of Hyde School. "It is never too late to start a family tradition and often the value of these actions is seen looking back at one’s upbringing."
In this podcast, she covers the first 5 mantras for Parenting Fundamental #3 - Build Family Traditions (#41-45):
- Make attitude everything
- Center the family on honesty
- Write letters
- Family meeting
- Mandatory fun
One of the mantras Laura Gauld discusses with us in today’s podcast is “don’t lie, don’t quit.” This is a great lesson for kids and adults and a very simple thing to remember. If I’m off track in my life, I won’t lie about it and I won’t give up. I can imagine our kids remembering this mantra when they are adults if they hear it often enough from us, and probably repeating it to their kids. (See below for all the mantras in today’s podcast.)
There are other great tidbits and lots of helpful information in this conversation, as we wrap up the lessons for our second parenting fundamental: Raise children to be accountable to life.
Mantras 36-40:
- “Is this my issue?”
- “Look for the positive but do not over gush.”
- “If you think they are doing a little, they are doing a lot.”
- “Don’t lie, don’t quit.”
- “Show up early and stay late.”
"Why do we have kids wanting to shoot up a school?"
This is the question Joe Gauld, founder of The Hyde School in Bath, Maine, asks at the beginning of this podcast. Thus starts his explanation of looking at a deeper lesson in the Florida School schooting, rather than just a band aid solution to our national crises of school shootings.
“Develop a safe place or sanctuary,” Joe proposes, “that will allow students to trust that teachers see the best in them and want the best for them. Then let the school be student-centered, based on the character development of each individual as well as the academic development of the kids. In this way we will begin to get rid of the resentment and bullying that has happened as a result of focusing totally on achievement.”
There is a lot of wisdom in what Joe shares with us on this podcast. You can see his full article in the Portland Press Herald: https://www.pressherald.com/2018/02/22/maine-voices-laser-focus-on-each-students-unique-potential-to-make-schools-safe-sanctuaries-of-learning/
Are you worried about a teen who says they are depressed? Do you see anxiety in your teen? Do you find vagueness a part of yours or your teen’s communication?
In part two of our podcast series with Hilary Jacobs Hendel, we learn about what to do if a teen says they are depressed or if they exhibit anxiety. Hilary talks about the importance of roots and wings for our children, the difference between healthy and unhealthy shame in parenting, and why families fall into vagueness as a defense in their communication with one another.
You can find Hilary at www.Hilaryjacobshendel.com and her book at Amazon.
Can you laugh at yourself during some tough parenting moments? Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? It is possible, says Laura Gauld in our 7th podcast interview in which she shares with us more wisdom from Parenting Fundamental #2: Raise children to be accountable to life.
Laura also shares with us the necessity of teaching our children to delay gratification, and the importance of teaching them how to work.
Mantras 31-35:
- Never negotiate with a terrorist attitude
- Delay gratification
- Look for humor and laughter
- Principles over rules
- Teach your child to work.
“What would we have needed in order to be able to talk openly about issues of suicide, teen pregnancy, birth control, addiction, or abuse, (to our parents)?” Dawn Menken in Raising Parents, Raising Kids.
Dawn Menken, author, teacher and workshop leader, has graciously joined us for a second podcast to talk in depth about the issue of bullying. She discusses the four roles of any bullying situation and says each can be alive in all of us at any given time:
- Victim
- Oppressor
- Witness
- Facilitator
She gives tips for parents on how to help children understand what’s at the root of bullying; what parents need to look at in themselves that might be promoting bullying attitudes in their children; and the responsibility parents have in helping to prevent and deal with bullying.
My biggest take-aways from this podcast were learning Dawn’s approach to back talk from our teens, learning how to help a child who is sworn to secrecy by a friend whose secret needs to be known, and the subtlety of where bullying comes from in families.
This podcast is one not to be missed!
Find Dawn at:
www.dawnmenken.com
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July 16-20, 2018
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How do you respond to your child when they get angry at you? Is your answer or reaction also one of anger? Wouldn’t it be great if we understood what emotions get triggered in us that make us respond the way we do?
This podcast with Hilary Jacobs Hendel will help you answer these questions. Hilary has written a book called “It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self.” While the title might lead you to think this book is about therapy or psychoanalysis, there is a lot in it to help parents understand where our emotions come from and how we can respond differently to our kids when they are upset; we can also teach them how to deal with their emotions, rather than throwing up defenses to avoid them.
You can find Hilary at www.Hilaryjacobshendel.com and her book will be released tomorrow – February 6th. It’s available now at Amazon.
Tricia Uber, Director of College Counseling at Hyde School, advises parents on how much to be involved in the college application process, and where to leave things up to the student. "Students need to have a team for the application and decision process," she says, "but the final decision should be up to the student."
Listen to this podcast and get more advice and wisdom about the entire college application process from Tricia, some of which may surprise you!
This sounds like a parenting conundrum, doesn’t it? So many parenting moments are moments of doubting what the outcome will be, and often doubting ourselves. That’s when we need to go back to our principles, and assure ourselves that even a bad outcome will move us into a new place of learning – about ourselves, as well as our children.
This podcast is filled with gems of parenting wisdom from author and head of Hyde School, Laura Gauld. The mantras we discuss include,
- This could be good, or this could be bad.
- Be ready to go to the wall.
- Let your child struggle without stepping in to lessen the discomfort.
- When your child screws up, take them back to the scene of the crime to make amends.
- Allow your children the same struggles that shaped you.
Are you worried about a child using substances? Would you like to know how to speak with your teen about substance use?
In this podcast we hear from Geno Ring, Certified Alcohol and Drug counselor, as he shares his 34 years of experience as a substance abuse counselor with us. Geno is not only knowledgeable about the dangers of substance abuse in teenagers, he also has great advice for parents.
While he advocates finding a counselor in your area so you can meet in person, you can find Geno at this confidential email address: bring@gwi.net
Just the title of this parenting fundamental tells us that parenting is a big job! If we want to help our children grow into responsible adults, with a moral compass and a conscience that guides them, we need to keep in mind that our goal, even when they are teens, is to help them thrive and become independent.
As Laura says in this podcast, “The world is not their mother.”
The five mantras Laura Gauld and I discuss are,
- Do not do for your children what they can do for themselves.
- The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.
- Value success and failure
- Treat your child as if they were someone else’s
- As a matter of practice, expect your child to do things they may not want to do, just because.
Do you want your children to grow up trusting their instincts? Of course you do! You want them to take responsible risks, trust themselves, have grit, and be respectful – of themselves as well as to others.
This podcast, covering the last five mantras or lessons of Parenting Fundamental # 1: Understand Your Job as Parents, will give you clues on how to teach and model that, as well as many other tips on making parenting just that much easier and fun.
- Let go of good guy/bad guy roles. If our children see us as parents always in the same box, they will stay in their box. Change and you will inspire change in your child.
- Love your child yet resist seeking their love.
If you know you love your child, let go of groveling for the scraps of affection. Seek their respect and you will receive all the love you need in time. - Parents need a community.
We cannot do this important job alone even if we have a supportive partner. Create the village that you need. - The more you talk, the more you lose.
When you are not happy with your child’s attitude, say less and communicate more with a look and silent listening. You will be amazed how the burden will shift to your child to figure it out. - Inspiration: Job #1.
We will not inspire our children with our wins, salaries, awards, etc. We will inspire them when we share struggles, take risks, move forward and model daily character.
In this podcast, Laura Gauld and I look at parenting lessons that will teach us about the different moments we experience in parenting; there are many easy ones, but then there are some that are “calculus moments.” (Tune in to see what these are!)
Be prepared for these calculus moments by listening to the third group of lessons or mantras of Parenting Fundamental # 1: Understand your job as parents:
- Do only those things that keep you strong
- You are not expected to be right, just to do your best.
- Don’t beat yourself up unless it is helpful.
- Remember that you are the parent.
- What is the challenge here for me?
"If we are awake, children will show us the kind of parenting they need," says Dawn Menken, author of Raising Parents, Raising Kids: Hands-on Wisdom for the Next Generation.
What would that look like? Wouldn’t that be letting the kids be in charge? Not at all says Dawn; it would mean listening differently to our kids and realizing that it’s our job to help them discover their uniqueness, and if we follow their process, the job of parenting becomes one that teaches us more about ourselves along the way.
Dawn Menken is a therapist in Portland, Oregon; she does individual, relationship and family therapy and is also on the faculty of the Process Work Institute in Portland where she teaches graduate courses.
She travels and offers workshops on a variety of themes, including conflict resolution, group facilitation, diversity issues, children and school issues and health and psychology.
You can find her at www.dawnmenken.com
"Sometimes parenting is two steps forward and one step back," says author Elizabeth Berger in her book, Raising Kids with Character: Developing Trust and Personal Integrity in Children,"But don’t let that discourage you. Your job as a parent is to control the situation, not the child."
Dr. Berger, a board certified child and adolescent psychiatrist with thirty years’ experience treating children and families, shares with us her knowledge about what goes into raising a child of character and the importance of the parent being intensely real. She also says, "it’s never too late."
You may email Elizabeth at elizabethbergermd@gmail.com and her website is www.elizabethbergermd.com
Did you like the first 5 lessons that taught us more about Parenting Fundamental #1? If so, you’ll also like this quick session with Laura Gauld on the second five lessons for this fundamental:
- Do not engage
- Truth over Harmony
- Do not take it personally
- Liberate yourself from looking good
- Expect and demand respect from your children (and you will get their love.)
Tune in, and discover the courage to stop your own dance of deception and embrace your job as parent. As we say with parenting, it's hard, it's doable, and it's never too late.
Resources:
- Hyde School's Biggest Job Family Program
Have you ever wished for more meaningful communication in your family? Or how about just more communication?
In this podcast, Director of The Biggest Job Family program at the Hyde School, Mary Moore, describes the difference she saw in her family relationships when they started having family meetings. At first, she felt the meetings were hoakie, but after the first several, she realized there was a different level of trust developing between her children, her husband and herself.
Tune in and find out how you can do family meetings in your home; with commitment and letting go of outcomes, you, too, might establish a deeper level of trust between you and your kids.
Resources:
- Family Meeting Format Worksheet PDF
- Hyde School's Biggest Job Family Program
Most of us know that sports teams all have leaders. However, would it be possible for everyone on the team to be a leader? Wouldn’t that create confusion, or chaos?
“No,” says Bechler in his most recent book, The Leadership Playbook: Become Your Team’s Most Valuable Leader. “Everyone on the team needs to be striving to do their best, and be their best. It’s called collective responsibility; you are your brother’s keeper; what you do affects others.”
This book teaches anyone who wants to be a leader on a team, or in life, the importance of having core principles and living by them; the importance of leading yourself, and how to do it; how to lead regardless of your role on a team.
Listen to the podcast with Jamy and learn more of what’s in the book, how he came to write it, and his views on the importance of character for kids and parents, whether you’re on a sports team, a work team, or a family team.
Resources:
- The Leadership Playbook on Amazon.com
- Jamy Bechler's website, www.jamybechler.com
Are teenage girls really difficult to raise? Not according to Robin Axelrod Sabag, who is the author of Strong Girls, Strong Parents: A Guide to Raising Teenage Girls in a New Era.
Not only will you enjoy this podcast, you’ll love the book. Robin is enthusiastic as she imparts many tips for parents of girls and gives background information on understanding why they are the way they are in their teens.
Robin’s website is www.robinsabagtherapy.com and you can find her book on amazon.com
Do you ever wish you had a map and compass for parenting? The 100 Lessons that go with The Five Fundamentals of Parenting might be the closest thing you will find.
In this series, Laura Gauld, co-author of The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have, will talk about 20 lessons that go with each of the Five Fundamentals. Tune in to the first five lessons, and learn how to do the right thing as a parent, present a united front, and the importance of parenting from your principles, rather than from fear, guilt or control.
Here is a break down of the first 5 Lessons Laura talks about in this podcast of the first Parenting Fundamental, "Understand Your Job as Parents";
- Parents are the primary teacher and home is the primary classroom.There are many influences in today’s youth culture that threaten the important growth process of a child. We must remember that the parent is the primary role model and the home is the primary atmosphere for developing character. Our job is to raise our children to be adults that are honest, decent contributors to the world.
- We can be friendly, but we can’t be friends.Our parenting culture has shifted to a model that encourages “friendship” which misses the point. We can have friendly moments but our children need us to be their parents. Parents now leads to friends later.
- Do the right thing, even if it goes against the culture or your earlier stance.Our job is not to be right, it is to do the best we can each day. As new information comes our way, we continue to make the next right step. Never feel guilty for changing your answer or stance if you know it is the right thing. Your child will thank you later.
- Parent from your principles, not from fear, guilt or control.Fear and guilt will not inspire yourself or your child. Have the courage to acknowledge your core principles and build your foundation of parenting around them.
- Present a united front.So many parents miss this simple but powerful truth; divided you will fall! Your children will manipulate if she can and you will be left fighting with each other. Work to stand together with either your spouse, partner, or committed adult in your child’s life.
Resources:
- The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have (Scribner, 2002) by Laura and Malcolm Gauld
- Biggest Job website, www.biggestjob.com
- Hyde School www.hyde.edu
As most parents know, letting go of our children is very hard; we don’t want to see them fail and we often don’t want them to be unhappy. But how do our kids feel when we can’t let go?
This podcast is with a mom, Sally Ross, and her daughter, Bryn Nolan, who graduated from Hyde, and who have a mature, open, and honest relationship with each other. The daughter talks about how grateful she is that she’s learned to be independent, and the mother shares with us the importance of not being afraid to let your child struggle.
They both offer parents some valuable advice on raising responsible kids.
Resources:
- The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have (Scribner, 2002) by Laura and Malcolm Gauld
- Hyde School www.hyde.edu
Imagine a school where every student cared – really cared and was concerned – about the best in their fellow students?
Where the discipline and structure of the school was the responsibility of the students, and not just the teachers?
This concept, originally called Brother’s Keeper and now being called Each Other’s Keeper, is one of the most important concepts of Hyde’s basic tenets: Be the best possible you.
We can’t be the best on our own; we need the help and concern of those around us to achieve our best.
Malcolm Gauld, president of Hyde Schools, explains it best.
Links:
- Malcolm's Blog: Teen Stumbling Block: Brother's Keeper
- Malcolm's Blog: Brother's Keeper Meets Hyde Basel
- Malcolm's Blog: Brother's Keeper Reprise - 7 Parts
- Malcolm's Blog: BK Primer #6
- Malcolm's Blog: Student Obstacles #1 & #2
- Malcolm's Blog: BK: Now More than Ever
Do you ever worry that your child is off track in his or her character? That you’re not getting honest answers to your questions; that they don’t seem passionate about things in their life, or they aren’t really going after something?
Character isn’t missing in kids; it’s there, and just needs to be uncovered. So says veteran teacher, John Rigney of Hyde School.
In this podcast, John describes how, through classes such as he teaches, kids can better understand themselves and be better prepared for college and the world as they leave high school.
Find John on Twitter: @jdrigney
https://twitter.com/jdrigney
Do you think you know what’s going on with your teen? Louise Kreiner, an educational consultant for over 30 years, thinks most parents don’t know what’s going on with their teens. “Teens are very private,” she says. “They share with their friends but they don’t share with their parents.”
She thinks parents should have access to their teen’s room and also to their computer and devices; she feels too many parents today walk on eggshells around their kids. “Be the parent, not their friend,” she says.
Louise is a big fan of Hyde and she talks candidly about the type of family that she feels is a good fit for the school.
Contact Louise:
Louise Kreiner, MA, CEP
New England Educational Advisory Service
P.O. Box 949
Amesbury, MA 01913
Phone: (978) 388-1578
Cell: (978) 375-0781
Fax: (978) 388-1873
email: LK@newenglandeducationadvisors.com
New York
Phone: (978) 388-1578
Florida
Phone: (978) 388-1578
How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)
Want the answers to this statement? Then read Free Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy; and, listen to this podcast. (Well, the answers are in the book; the podcast is about what has influenced our fear of letting go…)
Lenore is the woman who let her nine-year-old ride the New York City subway by himself. And started a whole new movement about what it means to keep kids safe.
She says, (and I’m paraphrasing)… “I don’t blame helicopter parents; it’s not their fault. We’ve been programmed to believe that the world is a very scary place, and unless we have a GPS on our kids at all times, we’re not being good parents.”
She rebuffs this idea with facts based on research and conversations that will help parents realize when and where they might be overprotecting their children and preventing their competence and confidence.
You get an immediate sense of Lenore’s delightful humor from the website www.freerangekids.com: “fighting the belief that our children are in constant danger from creeps, kidnapping, germs, grades, flashers, frustration, failure, baby snatchers, bugs, bullies, men, sleepovers and / or the perils of a non-organic grape.”
Hope you enjoy!
Wouldn’t it be great to have a map and a compass for our parenting? A “true north” answer for every situation that challenged our parenting decisions and wisdom?
In our second interview with Laura Gauld from Hyde School, we are introduced to 5 Fundamentals of Parenting that might be that kind of guide.
While not actually being answers, these 5 Fundamentals give us a grounded place from which to look at each parenting challenge, and a kind of compass to keep heading in the right direction.
- Understand our job as parents.
- Raise children to be accountable to life.
- Build family traditions.
- Have faith in your child’s unique potential and the larger forces at work.
- Your growth will be your true legacy to your child.
You can reach Laura Gauld through the BiggestJob.com website and Hyde.edu.
No one knows this more than parenting coach Rhonda Moskowitz of Columbus, Ohio. She says,
“We have to remember that it’s about us, the parents; if it were about the kids, it would be called kidding.”
In this podcast interview, Rhonda tells us the four things about which parents most often seek her advice:
- Drugs
- Alcohol
- Technology
- Kids’ friends
In an upbeat, insightful way, Rhonda shares the importance of remaining calm when faced with a parenting fear, that going into high panic mode is not helpful, despite how fearful the issue might be, and the importance of building a relationship with your child.
You can find Rhonda Moskowitz at www.practicalsolutionsparentcoaching.com or by phone at 614-459-8628.
Jason Warnick has spent 15 years interviewing kids and families interested in Hyde School. He has seen teens as they begin their freshman, sophomore, or junior year, and he has watched them as they have come to gain confidence in who they are and where they are going in their lives. He’s observed three – what he calls “surprising” – traits that these kids possess:
- Compassion – in the age of social media and digital everything, this trait can get lost…
- Honesty –including the importance of self-honesty and the ability to hear what others say about us…
- Humor – being able to laugh at oneself and not take ourselves too seriously.
And where do kids learn these traits? You guessed it – from their parents. How are you doing in these three areas?
Most parents think their teens know everything about technology, and in fact are ahead of us, the parents. But Donna Dubinsky, head of technology at Hyde School, shares some fascinating information about what teens don’t know in this area.
What does a private account on face book really mean? Does it mean complete privacy? Will college admissions offices be able to see postings that teens thought were private? If they post on snap chat and then delete, does it really go away? What is trolling? Why don’t teens see sexting as an intimate conversation?
Donna learned from the teens she teaches that they feel the adults in their lives are not setting the best example in digital citizenship. Listen to this podcast and learn what you need to know to advise your teen, and to be the best you can be as a digital citizen.
Recommended Book:
It's Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens by Dana Boyd
Learn more about Hyde School's Parenting, The Biggest Job at www.biggestjob.com.
Do you ever wonder if you'll ever be as savvy on those devices as your kids?
And what about the amount of time they spend "plugged in?" Do you worry about a proper balance in their lives?
Diana Graber and Cynthia Liebermann, who run an organization called Cyber Wise: No Grownup Left Behind, met in graduate school in a program called Media Psychology and Social Change. They decided to take what they had learned on digital literacy and how kids learn in this changing world, and make it available to the people who need it most: parents and teachers.
If you worry about the ethical decisions behind what your kids do when they're on-line, join this podcast for some great advice.
www.cyberwise.org
Learn more about Hyde School's Parenting, The Biggest Job at www.biggestjob.com.
If you've noticed a theme in some of our podcasts about letting go, that’s probably because most parents struggle with it – a lot!
In this podcast, former and current parents - one son has graduated and a second son is going into his senior year - Ben and Bonita Davis, share candidly about how the tension in their family had drifted from the vision they had for family members and themselves, how they found Hyde, and how it helped them in their parenting.
They found that the parent program deepened their trust in their kids and strengthened the love and trust that they had for each other.
Learn more about Hyde School's Parenting, The Biggest Job at www.biggestjob.com.
“Every parent has a dream for their child; what is your dream?”
This is the question educational consultant, Barbara Leventhal, asks parents the first time she meets with them. “The most universal answer,” she says, “is, ‘I just want my child to be happy.’”
“It’s usually in middle school when parents come to me, realizing that their child is turned off. Once this happens, there are often a myriad of problems that can start to happen, from eating disorders and cutting, to unsafe friends and distractions while driving. And I believe that most of these things happen when kids are disengaged in learning.”
As a former classroom teacher and then school administrator, Barbara now works with middle and high school students, teaching them study skills and time management, what is often referred to as executive function.
In this podcast, Barbara gives parents the answer to what their child needs to be happy.
Links:
- www.educonsulting.info
- Barbara’s Blog
School is for kids but Hyde is for families.
Holly White, former Hyde parent, has a blended family that all benefited from Hyde School, although only her youngest child attended the school.
She talks candidly about getting past the disappointment of not having your child at home with you for high school, the financial burden of the tuition, and especially the resistance of the teen to leave home and go away to school.
She uses the term “deterioration of the fabric of our family,” a term that typifies many families today. At Hyde, Holly learned that she was the peacemaker in the family, and how that role held the family back from creating a vision by which to live. She now lives with the weight of her foot in Truth over Harmony.
“What would it be like if parenting was fun and exciting and life with your kids was full of peace, harmony, cooperation, and respect?”
This is a question early in Vicki Hoefle’s book, Duct Tape Parenting.
Consistent with the Biggest Job philosophy, Vicki teaches parents that the true job of parenting is what our kids will be like from the ages of 18 – 80. She stresses that moms have got to get out of the job of being the maid in the house; that when we do for our kids what they can do for themselves, we send the message to them that it’s not okay for them to make mistakes.
“Look at how you might be feeding the weeds of bad behavior and attitudes,” she writes, “by noticing your responses to your children.”
If you’d like a blueprint, complete with road map and directions, on how to raise respectful, responsible, and resilient kids – here it is!
Links:
- www.vickihoefle.com
Paul Tough’s book, his third, is great! Although focused on disadvantaged populations of kids and families, there are many ideas, interventions, and strategies that apply to all populations. These include:
- the idea (and proof) that external rewards for kids don’t work – as proven by research that Paul presents;
- the need for more student autonomy in the classroom, which promotes confidence and motivation; and
- the evidence that students respond positively and persevere more when there are changes in the context of the classroom and the home.
Focusing on children who grow up in chaotic and stressful environments, Paul talks about the influence that adverse childhood experiences have on both kids and those who are parenting or teaching them. He relates stories about proven interventions that he has observed, sharing the outcome of long-term studies. He shares with us his hope for change in education, and why he thinks it takes so long for change to occur.
You’ll hear a lot from the book in this interview with Paul, but you’ll still want to read this little, 114 page powerfully-packed book!
For more about Paul Tough, visit his website at www.paultough.com/helping.