Sarah Kosterlitz – The Date Mix: Recent Episodes
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Chances are you’ve been through a breakup at some point in your life. Whether it was a recent and difficult breakup, or a high school sweetheart from years ago, these events shape who we are and how we form new relationships. Learning how to accept and validate your feelings is critical to moving on and forming a new happy and healthy relationship.
This bad breakup guide is created from the knowledge Rachel Dack, a licensed therapist, who shared her insight with me and my husband Chase on our I Do Podcast #118: Bad Breakups: Learn How Past Relationships Shape Who We Are. In the interview we go even more in-depth about accepting and validating your feelings so you can move into a new happy and healthy relationship.
Take the time to heal.
After a breakup, it’s tempting to avoid dealing with your feelings and not take the time to heal. You may find yourself denying, disowning, or ignoring your feelings and trying to distract or numb yourself with alcohol, emotional eating, sex, or dating too quickly. These avoidance tactics become problematic and keep you unavailable and unable to gain the healthy closure you’re looking for. If you want to be fully emotionally available to attract the right person, you must take the time to heal. The goal during your healing process should be to accept your feelings and validate your emotions about the relationship and breakup without any judgement. You have to grieve the loss before you can welcome in a new relationship without baggage. Acknowledging the pain you feel now will allow you to heal permanently instead of on a temporary basis.
Prepare to date again.
Unfortunately, there is no set amount of time it takes for someone to heal and be ready to move on, however, if you’re experiencing any of the following behaviors, you may not be ready to start dating again:
- You’re stuck in the past.
- You have a negative mindset.
- You’re still angry about what happened with your ex.
- Your guard is up.
- You feel fearful about relationships.
- You reject people that treat you well.
- You become a serial dater.
If you’re going on dates, and all you can think about is your ex or an unresolved breakup, you’re not going to be present enough to connect to the person sitting across from you. Before you start dating again, it’s important to be willing to participate in self discovery in order to learn from your breakup and previous relationship.
Create a healthy mindset.
Even if you don’t feel completely ready to start dating again, you can use positive affirmations to help rewire your brain. A healthy mindset is key to successful dating and keeping the past in the past.
Positive Affirmation Example: “I am open and ready to connect.”
This research based technique allows your thoughts and goals to guide your actions. If your thoughts are not supporting your dating goals, then your focus should be on changing your mindset.
Negative Mindset Example: “I don’t want to date a jerk.”
Positive Mindset Example: “I want to attract a partner who treats me well, and who wants to make our relationship a priority.”
In addition to positive affirmations, do a thorough investigation of your own beliefs. Take ownership of your own thoughts and feelings and gain awareness of your patterns. Understanding and being aware of your patterns is a critical step in having a successful future relationship.
To hear the full interview and get more tips about online dating and relationships check out Episode 118 of the I Do Podcast with Sarah and Chase: #118: Bad Breakups: Learn How Past Relationships Shape Who We Are. And to get more great advice to improve your relationship and fun ways to keep the spark alive, check out the I Do Podcast on iTunes or download the show directly.
The post The Bad Breakup Guide: How to Stay Positive and Move On appeared first on The Date Mix.
Let’s face it, online dating can be tough. You might be asking yourself things like:
“How do I fill out my profile?”
“What’s the best way to send an initial message?”
“When should I respond to messages?”
And many other nerve-racking important questions. So how can you stand out from the crowd and attract more quality dates? As part of our I Do Podcast, my husband Chase and I interview today’s most successful and inspiring relationship experts, therapists, and couples to answer questions just like these. This week we teamed up with the Editor-in-Chief of The Date Mix, Megan Murray, to create this awesome Ultimate Cheat Sheet for Online Dating.
Zoosk is an online dating site and app that has over 40 million members. So they know a thing or two about our dating tendencies and what works for their successful members. These tips compliment our interview with Megan in episode 112: Don’t Make These Online Dating Mistakes. In the interview we go even more in-depth with online dating tips, so if you haven’t listened and are craving more, listen to episode #112.
1. Fill out your dating profile.
When it comes to setting up your dating profile, most people would say photos are the most important part. In a way, they’d be right—the majority of online daters do pay attention to your photos more than any other part of your profile, but new data shows that your dating profile description may be just as important.
People who fill out their description actually get 28% more messages than those who don’t. But that’s not all, they also get 14% more likes and 8% more profile views.
If you’re using a dating site that requires a display name, make sure to fill that out too. Daters who didn’t have a display name got 20% fewer messages than those who did.
They found that daters who fill out the description of the person they’re looking for can get up to 31% more messages, while those who described their favorite date got 21% more messages.
2. Don’t bother saying hello.
Wait… what? No hello? That’s right. According to Zoosk data, using a greeting like hello or hi actually gets you fewer messages.
Saying hey gets you 35% fewer messages.
Saying howdy gets you 19% fewer messages.
Saying hello gets you 21% fewer messages.
Saying hi gets you 22% fewer messages.
Saying what’s up gets you 10% fewer messages.
So what’s so bad about saying hello? Well, when you’re trying to start a conversation with someone online, just saying hi (or hey, howdy, or hello) isn’t very helpful. Woman (and men!) see a lot of the same “Hi, how are you?” and “What’s up?” types of messages every day and it puts the pressure on them to come up with an entertaining response. Instead of saying hi, try diving right in with something like “You went to Jefferson High? Me too!” or, even better, “What’s up with all this crazy rain we’ve been having?”
3. Talk about the weather.
This one may seem counterintuitive. After all, what could be more mundane than the weather? But according to the data, first messages with the word weather get 39% more replies. And if the weather is bad, it’s even better for you. Messages with the word rain get 20% more messages, while sun actually gets 6% fewer messages than the average. The reason? It’s hard to say. But it could be that talking about something going on locally (like severe weather) is just an easy, universal way to start a conversation. While just bringing up that the sun’s out, is a little boring and makes for a lame start.
4. Don’t wait to respond.
If you’re wondering where to focus your efforts, instead of messaging new people or making new matches, reply to the people you’ve already messaged first. It seems like a normal thing to do but a lot of people overlook it.
According to Zoosk, if you want to get a reply back and keep the conversation going, reply back to messages within the day.
Men who message women back in the same day have a 62% response rate. Men who wait a day to message a woman have a 50% response rate, which is a 24% decrease. Men who wait two days before responding have a 45% response rate.
When it comes to online dating, the two day rule definitely does not apply.
5. Remove your filters.
According to Zoosk data, using filters while online dating may actually make it harder for you to meet someone you’re interested in. People who use filters tend to find a lot of people they’re interested in, so they’re more engaged in reaching out to those people and starting a conversation. However, they’re not leading to a deeper connection.
So what does the data mean for those of us trying to find someone? Well, while we often have a pretty good idea of what we’re looking for in another person, it may pay off to be more open-minded. Maybe we don’t actually know what we’re looking for until we find it.
To hear the full interview and get more tips about online dating and relationships check out Episode 112 of the I Do Podcast with Sarah and Chase: Don’t Make These Online Dating Mistakes. And to get more great advice to improve your relationship and fun ways to keep the spark alive, check out the I Do Podcast on iTunes or download the show directly.
The post 5 Online Dating Tips to Help You Meet More Interesting People appeared first on The Date Mix.