Can They Say That?: Recent Episodes
Polly & Gina
Welcome to the jungle! Where our words & thoughts can’t be held against us. Who are we kidding? We can & will say… All. The. Things. Wanna play?
Christmas! It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Right? For several of us it is. And for several it is a hard season all around due to a plethora of circumstances. Join us on our last episode of 2018 as we talk about holiday traditions and ways to love extravagantly over the holidays! Also, we invited our listeners to share their traditions and expressions of Christmas! It’s going to be a FUN episode! Merry Christmas listeners!
Samuel Johnson once said "When once the forms of civility are violated, there remains little hope of return to kindness or decency."
We believe this is holds more truth today than ever before.
We’ve lost the art of speaking well to and of one another.
Tune in today as we explore what it looks like to focus on extending kindness instead of our own rightness.
Last week was an amazing, thought provoking experience with our guest and friend, Associate Pastor Chrissy Stergos.
Today in Part 2 of Women, Leadership and the Church, we have the privilege of sitting down with Pastor Matt Lybarger. Matt holds a Masters of Divinity and has devoted extensive time to studying what the Scriptures have to say on this challenging topic, as well as the different positions held on the subject by people in the Church.
Join us as we unpack the Scriptures to see what God has to say on this topic.
You Can Read This!
- The Black Swan Effect: A Response to Gender Hierarchy
By: Felicity Dale (et. al)
https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=black+swan+effect
A critical work for those of us who want to understand the importance of women in the church. This book takes the contributions of fourteen different authors, men and women, who want to help us look critically at this topic, what Scripture has to say about it and how we can contribute the improvement of the overall culture of today’s Church, particularly in America.
- How I Changed My Mind About Women in Leadership
By: Alan F Johnson
https://www.amazon.com/Changed-Mind-about-Women-Leadership/dp/0310293154/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1543360680&sr=8-1&keywords=how+i+changed+my+mind+about+women+in+leadership
This book features autobiographical accounts highlighting how various persons have come to change their minds about women in leadership. Accounts are form well-known Evangelical leader; individuals and couples, males and females from a broad range of denominational affiliation and ethnic diversity. Read their surprising journeys from a more or less restrictive view to an open, inclusive view that recognizes a full shared partnership of leadership.
You Can Do This!
Once you’ve had a chance to listen to this week’s episode and next weeks (Part 2 is important!), consider opening up a dialogue in your church and circles of ministry in your life. The more conversations we have, the greater chance we stand to make an impact in the Church and beyond.
In a needing world, the more qualified people who can answer the call to be a leader, offering help and hope in the church, the better.
But sometimes, the challenge is less about saying “yes” to the call and more about battling the patriarchal culture in the church.
Fortunately, things are changing. But we can do more to help people understand what God has to say about women He’s designed to teach and lead and why we need them now more than ever.
Tune in today as we visit with one who has been “answering the call” for nearly 20 years. Chrissy Stergos is an Associate Youth Pastor in Missouri. Join us as we unpack the Scriptures to see what God has to say on this topic.
You Can Read This!
- The Black Swan Effect: A Response to Gender Hierarchy
By: Felicity Dale (et. al)
https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=black+swan+effect
A critical work for those of us who want to understand the importance of women in the church. This book takes the contributions of fourteen different authors, men and women, who want to help us look critically at this topic, what Scripture has to say about it and how we can contribute the improvement of the overall culture of today’s Church, particularly in America.
- How I Changed My Mind About Women in Leadership
By: Alan F Johnson
https://www.amazon.com/Changed-Mind-about-Women-Leadership/dp/0310293154/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1543360680&sr=8-1&keywords=how+i+changed+my+mind+about+women+in+leadership
This book features autobiographical accounts highlighting how various persons have come to change their minds about women in leadership. Accounts are form well-known Evangelical leader; individuals and couples, males and females from a broad range of denominational affiliation and ethnic diversity. Read their surprising journeys from a more or less restrictive view to an open, inclusive view that recognizes a full shared partnership of leadership.
You Can Do This!
Once you’ve had a chance to listen to this week’s episode and next weeks (Part 2 is important!), consider opening up a dialogue in your church and circles of ministry in your life. The more conversations we have, the greater chance we stand to make an impact in the Church and beyond.
Happy Thanksgiving Y’all! Around here, we believe Thanksgiving is more than a holiday. Tune in today as we share incredible stories of thankfulness from some of our listeners, traditions to enhance your holiday (that have nothing to do with food) and how making thankfulness a way of life changes your brain and your overall quality of life. We even walk you through an exercise, so you can experience the power of thankfulness for yourself! We’re SO thankful for each of you! And you’ll be thankful you tuned in for this special episode. What else are you thankful for? We’d love to know!
Last week was an awesome start to exploring the topic sex and sexuality.
Tune in this week as we pick up where we left off with Dr. Kathy Karigan and Dr. Petra Blum exploring the topic of healthy sex and sexuality. It’s so much more than you think!
Let's talk about sex! No, really. It’s an important conversation to have. It seems that we have forgotten that sex is a holistic experience. The best sex involves the healthiest versions of our emotional, physical, spiritual and mental selves. If we want to talk about sex in a way that is honoring to how we’re created and in a way that treats sex as the gift it is, we need to look at more than just the logistics of the act itself. Join in as our guests Dr. Petra Blum and Dr. Kathy Karigan help us with this sometimes-challenging topic.
What was the first thing you thought about yourself today? Was it how wonderful you are and how you couldn’t wait to start the day being you? Cuz you know you’re gonna crush it!
Or, was it a thought of what you failed to do the day before? Did you get on your phone and immediately start the day with comparison? Or did you get on the scale and speak unkind words to your body that works so hard to serve you well each day?
Whether it begins the moment we open our eyes or creeps in throughout the day, we all have that inner critic that is our own worst enemy. Join us today as we discuss how to defeat the enemy within.
You Can Watch This!
In case you need a little more inspiration on how to quiet the inner critic, watch these!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNtPVgblzWY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cgw8OFVHzd4
You Can Read This!
- One of our favorite books on dealing with our inner critic is from Lysa TerKeurst and we think the title says it all:
Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely
https://www.amazon.com/Uninvited-Living-Loved-When-Lonely/dp/1400205875/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540908274&sr=8-1&keywords=uninvited+lysa+terkeurst&dpID=410-8-uoqrL&preST=SY344_BO1,204,203,200_QL70&dpSrc=srch 2. While our next pick is a book for writers, it is a book for anyone who wants to know themselves well and learn how to respond to the inner critic. Anne Lamott has been a precious voice in my (Gina) walk through life, love and faith. Even if the only thing you ever write is a grocery list, we think you’ll enjoy this work.
Bird By Bird by Anne Lamott
https://www.amazon.com/Bird-Some-Instructions-Writing-Life/dp/0385480016/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540908413&sr=8-1&keywords=bird+by+bird&dpID=416KhjPwuKL&preST=SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40&dpSrc=srch
You Can Do This!
Awareness is half the battle! Throughout our day we unintentionally say or think things about ourselves that contributes to an unhealthy and unhelpful self-narrative (the story we tell ourselves and consequently believe about who we are).
To become less likely to speak ill of ourselves (That was stupid. I can’t believe I did that. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be more like…) we need to first realize how often we fall into this habit. Purchase one of the counters from the links below (or a local store, but if its more likely you’ll actually do it if you only have to click on one of the following links, then do that).
Then, simply begin to ‘click’ for every time you think or say something unhealthy or unhelpful about yourself. Don’t dwell on the fact you said or thought it, just notice it and count it. Then, at the end of each day, write your number on a calendar or in your phone. This act alone will help to decrease the habit.
If it becomes overwhelming, simply reduce the amount of time you count (maybe only half the day) until your numbers begin to reduce.
If it becomes troublesome, this is a signal that it would be good to talk with someone about your inner struggles.
- This first counter comes with six little colorful friends, should you decide you want to get some friends or a small group involved in the revolution to silence the inner critic.
https://www.amazon.com/Ktrio-Counter-Mechanical-Clicker-Assorted/dp/B06XPD1YK3/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1540908525&sr=8-3&keywords=tally+counter 2. Here’s a second tally counter option
https://www.amazon.com/HORSKY-Counter-Handheld-Mechanical-Clicker/dp/B071W3QTBX/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1540908653&sr=8-6&keywords=tally+counter&dpID=31ClTOQubcL&preST=SX300_QL70&dpSrc=srch
The church can be a great place to find deep levels of healing and growth, even in matters of mental health. Research shows that people who are able to incorporate spirituality into their healing achieve a greater level of success in their journey.
But sadly, there are times when those in the church turn a crisis of mental health into a crisis of faith. When someone is struggling emotionally and mentally, “pray harder” isn’t the answer. Sometimes the answer is Jesus AND a therapist.
Tune in today as we chat about the challenges of handling mental health in the church and the importance of faith & science when helping someone heal.
When Church Hurts
What happens when the place meant to help us heal is a source of deeper wounding?
Join us this week as we explore the topic of Post Traumatic Church Syndrome with our special guest, Radonda Rowton, MAC, PLPC. Radonda was raised in ministry (27 pastors on just one side of the family!). For twenty years, she and her husband have served in music ministry.
After getting her master’s in counseling, she decided to use her personal, clinical and ministerial experience to help those who have been harmed within the church.
Listen along as we explore what PTCS is, how it happens and how we can heal from it.
Whether you are part of a church, have stepped away from the church, or have a desire to see church ‘done well’, you won’t want to miss this episode.
You Can Read This!
The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Jeff Vanvonderen
Toxic Faith: Experiencing Healing Over Painful Spiritual Abuse
by Stephen Arteburn
Churches That Abuse: Help for Those Hurt by Legalism, Authoritarian Leadership
by Ronald M. Enroth
Forgiving What You'll Never Forget
By: David Stoop
(While this book doesn’t deal with spiritual abuse specifically, our guest feels it has some good, practical advise on forgiveness.)
You Can Say That!
If today’s episode left you feeling like you need to talk with someone about your own experiences, please reach out to us or to our wonderful guest, Radonda at radondarowton@gmail.com
If you’re a counselor or pastor who would like more information on how to help those who have experienced spiritual abuse in your area, please contact us at CanTheySayThat18@gmail.com or contact Radonda for more information on her helpful curriculum at radondarowton@gmail.com .
We all have those frenemies who can’t quite bring themselves to celebrate when we succeed. Or who use that judging, shaming tone when they realize we’ve messed up. But are those the first (or only) voices speaking into our lives?
When’s the last time you took a look at the people closest to you and asked yourself “are these people really safe?”
Join us this week as we take on the topic of Safe People. Who they are, why we need them and how to become them, not just for others, but for ourselves too.
You Can Do This!
- Take another listen to the list of how people described Safe People. Can you identify a few people in your life who fit those descriptions?
- On the flip side, listen to the descriptors of someone who may not be a safe person. Do you find there are people in your life who fit those descriptions?
- Assess what your inner voice sounds like; i.e. are you a safe person for yourself? Are you a safe person for others?
- If you haven’t already participated, please go back and walk through the Inner Circle exercise with Gina & Polly.
- How are your boundaries? Do you have Safe People you can practice them with?
You Can Read This!
- Safe People by Cloud & Townsend
https://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-Those/dp/0310345790/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1539095684&sr=8-1&keywords=safe+people&dpID=51wPHjD%252BQVL&preST=SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40&dpSrc=srch
NOW AVAILABLE IN AUDIO VERSION AS WELL
- The Relationship Cure by John Gottman, PhD
https://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Cure-Strengthening-Marriage-Friendships/dp/0609809539/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1539096281&sr=8-1&keywords=the+relationship+cure+by+john+gottman&dpID=517O-2dylJL&preST=SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40&dpSrc=srch
We're BACK!!! Gina & Polly (that's us!) are coming out of the Jungle and moving into a brave new season! Here are a few awesome things happening you will not want to miss! * We have GUESTS! (who happen to be quite awesome!) * New theme song...hummmmm...I wonder what it is?!? * 2 holiday episodes you won't want to miss. * New topics to include some powerful discussion to open your hearts and minds to challenge and grow you.
And as always...we invite you to add your thoughts, questions and challenges along the way as we all get to navigate this jungle with brave hearts!
Is shame different than guilt? Is there such a thing as ‘good shame’? Shame is that thing that whispers to our souls. It drives us from safety and limits our potential and reach. In today’s episode, listen in as Gina & Polly examine shame and what we can do about it. Bring your weapons. It’s time to slay some shame in all our lives!
Action Steps
- Using the list from the article titled Toxic Shame (the one we read from in this episode), identify what is familiar and working against you in your life. Then, since vulnerability is the antidote to shame, share it with a safe person in your life.
- After hearing us discuss how we label ourselves with shame ('m an idiot. I'm unworthy. I'm not good enough, smart enough, etc.) how do you recognize this as something you do to yourself or others?
Begin noticing this. Intentionally label it and choose to replace it with grace. 3. When you hear a pervasive and constant message of shame internally, who does that voice sound like? If you can't identify it's root, get some help doing this. 4. Reach out to us if you need help in any of these areas. 5. Share this podcast with someone you love.
RESOURCES
- https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=the+soul+of+shame&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Athe+soul+of+shame
The Soul of Shame by Curt Thompson
What if we told you that we view shame as a disease that reaches us at a soul-level. I spiritual disease, if you will. It’s insidious, reaching deeper and authoring more of our story that we imagine. In Psychiatrist, Curt Thompson’s book, The Soul of Shame, he helps us get a better picture of what shame is, not just from a spiritual perspective, but from a neurobiological one as well. With examples, science, a spiritual perspective and research, Thompson helps us identify shame in our own lives and gives us tools to combat it. We believe his work is powerful and life-changing. Remember to share it with a friend. The journey can be most powerful when shared with a friend.
- https://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-but-isnt/dp/1592403352/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1529337915&sr=8-1&keywords=i+thought+it+was+just+me+brene+brown
I Thought It Was Just Me by Brene Brown
There is a false assumption going around that if we are imperfect we are then inadequate. This is a driver for shame. Its what forces us into believing that we must pretend. Be something, someone that we’re not in order to not be judged, shamed or excluded from connection. We love this book because it pushes back on ALL of that…well…crap.
The ideas and principles in this book are ones to share with your kiddos. Let’s work on helping the next generation slay shame before the battle gets too big!
- https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=healing+the+shame+that+binds+you
Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw
While this book was written nearly two decades ago, it still sells thousands of copies each year. Some find its perspective to be controversial, we find it to be healing. Particularly for those who have had manifestations of the shame cycle play out through addiction and codependency. Bradshaw’s work is important and helpful. Read with an open heart and mind. If you find yourself with butt-scrunch moments as you read it, do the good, hard work of looking at where those feelings might be coming from. Perhaps the book is triggering in you the very thing that needs confronting. Hhhmmm…..
- https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=released+from+shame&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Areleased+from+shame
Released from Shame: Moving Beyond the Pain of Your Past by Sandra Wilson, Ph.D.
For me personally (Gina), this has been a wonderful book in my own journey as well as for many of my clients. You will find compassion and challenge, all rolled up into one wonderful resource that provides direct questions aimed at helping you address your shame. It has several exercises and practical steps to aide you in the fight against shame in your story. Oh! And a there’s a bonus. Wilson also includes help for parents who want to break the intergenerational cycle of shame and give their children a "grace-based" foundation for life. That is truly a gift that can keep on giving!
Articles:
- ttps://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-toxic-shame/
- https://experiencelife.com/article/shutting-shame-down/
PAINT OR NUMBERS
Gettin’ Brainy With it!
We’re curious. Which word in our episode title stood out to you the most? Tune in to today’s episode and see what your choice says about your brain.
YOU CAN DO THIS!
- https://braintest.sommer-sommer.com/en/
Take this fun, 30 second test to see if you are left or right brain dominant. 2. What was your result from the test above? Now, pick a task that draws more on your LESS dominant side of the brain and engage in that task repeatedly this week. 3. Pick something to experience with all of your senses to encourage brain-integration. Share the experience with a friend. 4. Do the test and exercises about with friends and family. Shared experiences have deeper meaning! 5. Make a conscious effort to NOT multitask this week, even if it’s the smallest of tasks. Here’s a clip to help explain what we mean. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he5fyJqWwpI
YOU CAN READ THIS!
- https://www.amazon.com/Your-Faithful-Brain-Designed-Much/dp/1490858571/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1532963947&sr=8-1&keywords=your+faithful+brain
We’ve referenced this one a lot lately, but for this week’s episode in particular it is one of the best resources we have come across to help us understand how our brains are created and how we can be intentional about developing optimal brain health. 2. https://www.amazon.com/Brain-Balancing-Hemispheric-Integration-Training-ebook/dp/B071XYTW6F
This book is a quick ‘read’ as it’s full of exercise for students young and old. Additionally, this resource is great for people who would like to improve their reading and comprehension. 3. We wish we had a link for THINK DIFFRENTLY, LEARN DIFFERENTLY! But stay tuned! This great work on the importance of learning as an ‘experience’ rather than just an intellectual endeavor is critical will be available November 2018!
Join us as we explore the good, the bad and the ugly of compartmentalization.
YOU CAN DO THIS!
- Practice the ‘container’ exercise. Re-listen (at 18:18 in audio versions) to experience the exercise in its entirety.
- In what areas of life are your values and behaviors incongruent? What might be in your boxes that is driving that behavior? (Example: “I don’t think drinking heavily is a good thing to do yet I find myself getting drunk often when I’m sad.”)
- Practice grace and go
YOU CAN READ THIS!
- http://www.sixwise.com/newsletters/06/11/29/understanding-emotional-compartmentalization-and-how-it-can-affect-our-lives-and-the-lives-of-thos.htm
This is a great article and quick read on some of the ideas and examples of the good and the bad of compartmentalization. 2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/just-listen/201405/compartmentalized-v-integrated-the-mind-elliot-rodger
In this article from Psychology Today we look at the extremes of personality compartmentalization. A slightly different, yet equally important perspective of the whole ‘is compartmentalization good or bad’ debate. 3. https://evolutioncounseling.com/emotional-detachment-and-compartmentalization/
We appreciate the full scope perspective this article offers. It takes a look at incongruency in values and behaviors as well as the protective and maladaptive perspectives of compartmentalization.
slowly as you explore these topics. Remember, you don’t need to go it alone. Look to a friend for support and if you need additional resources, reach out to us.
Healthfully Selfish: That’s not a type-o and we’re not just talking bubble baths and mani-pedis.
Tune in and discover what it is, and what it isn’t and why being Healthfully Selfish is the best gift you can give to those you love.
YOU CAN DO THIS!
- What is something you love to do that you’ve lost sight of? Something that feeds your soul. Make a list. (Yes, right now. Write them down.)
- Got your answer to #1? Good. Now go do it.
- Practice breathing. Remember, deep, from the belly. Not just the chest. Inhale then exhale longer than your inhale (try counting it out. Or better yet, choose two words that remind you of calm and peace. Use the shorter word for your inhale and longer one for your exhale.)
- Practice your breathing by blowing bubbles. Inhale, then exhale slow and controlled. See how many bubbles you can blow.
- More hugs! (With safe and approved partners. Pets included!)
- Take a nap.
- Do a quick Google search and find passages of Scripture that reference the importance of taking care of yourself. There are more than you think!
RESOURCES:
YOU CAN READ THIS!
- http://www.faithfulbrain.com/personal-prayer-relaxation/
- http://www.faithfulbrain.com/personal-prayer-relaxation/
The two links above are for personal prayer and/or personal mantra relaxation. They will guide you through progressive relaxation. One guides you using prayer, the other simply your own personal mantra.
- http://healthysleep.med.harvard.edu/healthy/matters/consequences/sleep-and-disease-risk
In this episode, we talked about the link between poor quality of sleep and several diseases. Here is a great article that maps that out well. (If you are in need of help with your sleep hygiene, please contact us via private message and we will get you linked with a counselor who specializes in Brain Restorative Sleep.)
- https://www.amazon.com/Hello-Mornings-Grace-Filled-Life-Giving-Morning/dp/0718094174/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1532917809&sr=1-1&keywords=christian+self+care
In this book, you’ll find a way to get the most out of your morning (and she uses that term loosely) routine. This one is a ‘zero-excuse’ routine. Everyone has 3 minutes. Yes, even you. 5. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201302/is-self-care-selfish
It’s pretty obvious why we chose this article. So…what does ‘little you’ reeeally need?
Bursting Bubbles
Wanna get comfortably uncomfortable?
Yeah, neither do we. Join us as we look at what comfort zones are (and aren’t) and why sometimes, the responsible thing we can do is burst our own bubbles of comfort.
Now What? “You Can Do These!”
- Change your routine this week. Drive a different route to your common places. Brush your teeth with the other hand. Find new ways to do old things. You’ll grow your brain even in thinking about what that looks like!
- Befriend someone who you wouldn’t normally befriend. Someone different than you. If you keep your eyes and heart open, we’re confident you will find you have more in common that you first realized.
- Do one new thing this week that has always intrigued you but maybe also scared you a little. Don’t worry about what others think; if it seems too big or too small. It’s your thing. So do it!
Resources:
“You Can Read These!”
- Your Faithful Brain: Designed for so much more! By Leonard N. Matheson, Ph.D. https://www.amazon.com/Your-Faithful-Brain-Designed-Much/dp/1490858571/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1532456226&sr=1-1&keywords=your+faithful+brain
We love this one because it’s a great way to look at what it means to “live life to the full” within the context of growing your heart brain connection at the intersection of faith and science. (Heads up! Look for the Companion Guidebook due out late 2018!)
- The Science of Breaking Out of Your Comfort Zone By Peter Hollins https://www.amazon.com/Science-Breaking-Your-Comfort-Zone-ebook/dp/B078K6R2V5/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1532456356&sr=1-1-spons&keywords=the+science+of+breaking+out+of+your+comfort+zone&psc=1
This is more than a pep talk. This is a ‘how to’ with some of the science behind it. This might be a good one to try with a friend.
- How People Grow by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
https://www.amazon.com/How-People-Grow-Reveals-Personal/dp/0310257379/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1532456475&sr=1-1&keywords=How+people+grow
This one takes a look at what it means to grow at a deeper level. Cloud & Townsend challenge us to think of all growth as spiritual growth. It’s a fascinating read that just might help us think of growth from a more holistic perspective.
NEXT STEPS:
You listened…now what?
Here are some “Now What?” ideas to try this week.
- Identify your struggles. Literally, Name. It. If you’re a praying person, ask God to help you see what your struggle is and what might be at the root of it.
- What do you believe about yourself? Does your inside match your outside? Is it ok to let the world see who you truly are? Answering these questions in a journal and reading it out loud to yourself can take some of the power out of what might be holding you back.
- JOURNAL. JOURNAL. JOURNAL. This doesn’t have to be in the ‘traditional’ sense. Use bullet points. Write in code. Draw. Just put it on paper.
- Write a letter to yourself telling yourself what you want to believe about who you are.
- Get a small counter (like the kind they use to take attendance at games) and use it to track unhelpful or judgmental statements you say to yourself. At the end of the day, right the number down on a calendar. Do this for at least 21 days and watch as the behavior decreases.
There isn’t much we can say about this book that the title doesn’t already convey. Donald Miller allows us to get Scary Close to his story, his struggles and ultimately, his journey to healing. A perfect ‘next step’ to listening to this week’s episode. We recommend this book in the printed and audio version. Webb Wilder narrates and we’re confident listening will feel like a conversation with a friend.
- Tired of Trying to Measure Up By Jeff VanVonderen
https://www.amazon.com/Tired-Trying-Measure-Expectations-Intimidation/dp/0764205374/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1531846786&sr=8-1&keywords=tired+of+trying+to+measure+up
If part of your struggle to find a sense of freedom comes from a frenetic pace of life within the church, then this book is for you. VanVonderen gives straight and grace-filled help and awareness centered on the exhaustion so many within the walls of the church feel. The spiritual, mental and emotional exhaustion that can come from doing in the church rather than being in a relationship with Christ. You’re gonna want a highlighter for this one, folks.
- 4 Surprising Benefits of Sharing Your Story
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-web-violence/201309/resilience-and-4-benefits-sharing-your-story
Telling you story (or stories) can be a scary thing. It requires risk and vulnerability. Yet, those are the very things that build relationship. And while we may have been hurt in relationships in our lives, relationships are also how we best heal. This article provides some surprising information about the benefits of sharing your story. We hope it provides some encouragement as well.
Next steps:
- Do you hold biases or judgments for the sake of maintaining comfort in your own life?
- How many people are in your circle that you do not align with on issues of politics, religion, sexual orientation, etc? (This may be a clue that you’re holding on to more biases/judgments than you think)
- Find one of your sandpaper people and make an effort toward building relationship with them.
- Find someone you don’t agree with and learn about their story. Particularly their pain. Remember, sharing stories is a bit like holding hands. It’s hard to hate someone when you get that close.
- Where have you possibly inherited some unhealthy views of people who are different than you? Look for ways to challenge those beliefs.
- If you consider yourself a follower of Christ, look for examples in Scripture of how Jesus treated people who were considered ‘on the fringe’ or ‘outcasts’. How are you lining up with His example
Resources:
- Six Ways To Overcome Your Biases for Good-Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201508/6-ways-overcome-your-biases-good
The above article is a great one, but admittedly, you may find yourself fighting biases simply because of the content…or the author. If this is true for you, consider doing the really difficult work of eradicating those biases and the really good work of following the ideas offered in the article. This article wants to help us do that with links to ‘bias inventories’ and exercises we can engage in to help us with overcoming biases and unhelpful judgments. 2. Braving The Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone Brené Brown https://www.amazon.com/Braving-Wilderness-Quest-Belonging-Courage/dp/0812995848/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1531237079&sr=8-1&keywords=braving+the+wilderness
In this fine work by Brené Brown, you will find yourself challenged at times, but also validated in many ways as well. What we appreciate the most about this book is her willingness to share her own struggles, what she learned from them and how she grew in the process. This is a fast read as it feels like coffee with a friend, if that friend was challenging you and calling you out on things.
- Overcoming Bias: Building Authentic Relationships Across Differences
Tiffany Jana & Matthew Freeman
This particular book addresses how we all have biases even if we can’t see them on the surface. Mostly because they’re unconscious. But they get in the way of being effective and impactful. What we like about this book is the approach the authors take, using stories and exercises to challenge us and help us grow. You will likely have some fun along the way with this one, but don’t worry, there will be plenty of ‘butt-scrunch’ moments along the way to remind you that there is indeed, real work to be done. 4. All Are Welcome: Toward a Multi-Everything Church
Leon Brown, Jemar Tisby, Eric Washington, Irwyn Ince, Jarvis Williams, Alexander Jun, Russ Whitfield, Sherrene DeLong, Alexander Shipman, Jahaziel Cantu, Stanley Morton, Lance Lewis, Darryl Williamson, Christian Edmondson
Hey Church! This one is for us! If you’re looking for a book that will truly bring a variety of voices together to offer perspectives we can’t get in a segregated atmosphere, this is your book. It is a collaboration in the truest sense, with the voices of many authors represented.
Differences tend to separate. Particularly in our loud and confusing world, it can be easiest to gather with those who are similar. The problem is the call of the Great Commission and the outworking of the gospel we observe in the books of Acts seems to be calling us to something different.
All Are Welcome is an attempt to have (and continue) the conversation that looms in our communities. Read with an open mind (and heart!) and ask God to show you how this book and its concepts can be implemented into your church and your life.
A fun & light hearted episode with silly questions PLUS an action to help you have some fun too!
Come laugh with us!
While the topic of suicide has been widely circulating in the news and social media, it’s still a subject that many won’t discuss due to stigmas and shame that are associated. Particularly in the church. This episode is dedicated to all those who’ve lost a loved one to suicide and to those fighting against the voices and urges of suicidal thoughts. We see you and you are not alone.
Resources:
If you or someone you love is in need of help, please contact the following resources immediately. Remember, there is help. There is hope, and you are not alone.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Text help (text a counselor) 741741 https://www.crisistextline.org/texting-in/
This week may look a little different in terms of resources. We wanted to give you fast links and access to important resources to help equip you or a loved one. The following list is certainly not an exhaustive one, but rather some fast, easily accessible information that might help.
- https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2017/10/03/10-things-to-say/
- https://themighty.com/2017/08/what-to-say-someone-feeling-suicidal/
- http://www.hopeforthebrokenhearted.com/helping-someone-who-is-suicidal/
This last link is a helpful one for those who’ve lost loved ones and those working to prevent loss of life due to suicide.
- https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/resources-loss-survivors/books-loss-survivors/
Is shame different than guilt? Is there such a thing as ‘good shame’? Shame is that thing that whispers to our souls. It drives us from safety and limits our potential and reach. In today’s episode, listen in as Gina & Polly examine shame and what we can do about it. Bring your weapons. It’s time to slay some shame in all our lives!
Action Steps
- Using the list from the article titled Toxic Shame (the one we read from in this episode), identify what is familiar and working against you in your life. Then, since vulnerability is the antidote to shame, share it with a safe person in your life.
- After hearing us discuss how we label ourselves with shame ('m an idiot. I'm unworthy. I'm not good enough, smart enough, etc.) how do you recognize this as something you do to yourself or others?
Begin noticing this. Intentionally label it and choose to replace it with grace. 3. When you hear a pervasive and constant message of shame internally, who does that voice sound like? If you can't identify it's root, get some help doing this. 4. Reach out to us if you need help in any of these areas. 5. Share this podcast with someone you love.
RESOURCES
- https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=the+soul+of+shame&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Athe+soul+of+shame
The Soul of Shame by Curt Thompson
What if we told you that we view shame as a disease that reaches us at a soul-level. I spiritual disease, if you will. It’s insidious, reaching deeper and authoring more of our story that we imagine. In Psychiatrist, Curt Thompson’s book, The Soul of Shame, he helps us get a better picture of what shame is, not just from a spiritual perspective, but from a neurobiological one as well. With examples, science, a spiritual perspective and research, Thompson helps us identify shame in our own lives and gives us tools to combat it. We believe his work is powerful and life-changing. Remember to share it with a friend. The journey can be most powerful when shared with a friend.
- https://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-but-isnt/dp/1592403352/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1529337915&sr=8-1&keywords=i+thought+it+was+just+me+brene+brown
I Thought It Was Just Me by Brene Brown
There is a false assumption going around that if we are imperfect we are then inadequate. This is a driver for shame. Its what forces us into believing that we must pretend. Be something, someone that we’re not in order to not be judged, shamed or excluded from connection. We love this book because it pushes back on ALL of that…well…crap.
The ideas and principles in this book are ones to share with your kiddos. Let’s work on helping the next generation slay shame before the battle gets too big!
- https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=healing+the+shame+that+binds+you
Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw
While this book was written nearly two decades ago, it still sells thousands of copies each year. Some find its perspective to be controversial, we find it to be healing. Particularly for those who have had manifestations of the shame cycle play out through addiction and codependency. Bradshaw’s work is important and helpful. Read with an open heart and mind. If you find yourself with butt-scrunch moments as you read it, do the good, hard work of looking at where those feelings might be coming from. Perhaps the book is triggering in you the very thing that needs confronting. Hhhmmm…..
- https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=released+from+shame&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Areleased+from+shame
Released from Shame: Moving Beyond the Pain of Your Past by Sandra Wilson, Ph.D.
For me personally (Gina), this has been a wonderful book in my own journey as well as for many of my clients. You will find compassion and challenge, all rolled up into one wonderful resource that provides direct questions aimed at helping you address your shame. It has several exercises and practical steps to aide you in the fight against shame in your story. Oh! And a there’s a bonus. Wilson also includes help for parents who want to break the intergenerational cycle of shame and give their children a "grace-based" foundation for life. That is truly a gift that can keep on giving!
Articles:
- ttps://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-toxic-shame/
- https://experiencelife.com/article/shutting-shame-down/
We all have those people places and things in our lives that we struggle to say 'no' to.
For a variety of reasons, we believe that saying 'no' is bad; that it isn't the loving thing to do.
But what if learning how to give our best 'no' could actually lead us to our best 'yes'?
Join Polly & Gina as they explore the reasons we get stuck and depleted by our yeses and how we can begin to break the cycle.
``` Actions/Questions:
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- Are you in a safe church? Talk to your church leadership about the policy and procedures they have in place and how they train their staff & volunteers.
- Are you a safe person if someone shares their experience of abuse with them?
- If this is your own story please know you are worth healing from it and seeking those who can truly help you along your journey. You are not alone!
Resources:
Article: The epidemic of denial about sexual abuse in the evangelical church. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/posteverything/wp/2018/05/31/feature/the-epidemic-of-denial-about-sexual-abuse-in-the-evangelical-church/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.ecc774e1d58e
Video: https://youtu.be/jNQLNs-6RS0
Website:https://cryingoutforjustice.com/for-new-users/
In episode two, Polly & Gina take on the topic of What Do You Dance For? An idea taken straight from the pages of Polly’s book, Cherished: Shattered Innocence Restored Hope
Listen in as P & G examine the two different types of dancing we do in this life. One that comes from the soul of our being and the other, driven by fear. Fear of being rejected; being seen as less-than. Fear of being unloved.
One type of dance is borne of the rhythm of our hearts while the other from a beat of oppression.
When our dance is a performance for love and acceptance, we become something other than who we truly are. Which leaves us questioning the authenticity of our relationships with others, ourselves and even with God.
So, what rhythm are you dancing to? And for what purpose?
Actions/Questions: There are two types of “Dancing”. One is performance based and the other is your true identity and life giving.
``` 1. Identify what/who you might be “dancing” for and write those down. Ask yourself the whys? Is it for acceptance, fear of saying no, being loved etc…?
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What is that dance that comes from your soul? The one that is the you- e—est you! The one that makes you feel the most alive!
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DANCE!!!! Turn up the jams & have fun dancing!
```
Book Resources:
https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1527613193&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gifts+of+imperfection
Given the subject matter we covered in Episode Two: What Do You Dance For, we think the subtitle of this resource says it all…LET GO OF WHO YOU THINK YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE AND EMBRACE WHO YOU ARE! (Don’t think of those caps as us yelling at you. Think of them as us issuing a call to arms. A battle cry, if you will.)
While there are other books by Brene that have gained more popularity, this is one that remains at the top of our ‘must read’ list. She reminds us that being authentic and living a whole-hearted life have nothing to do with perfection. In fact, they are the complete opposite! The sooner we are able to learn and live out these truths, the sooner we are able to engage and create relationships that cultivate growth and even healing. For us and for others!
While research rules the day for Dr. Brown, her wit, personal stories and calling out of her own ‘imperfections’ makes this book relatable, practical and worthy of sharing.
https://www.amazon.com/Cherished-Shattered-Innocence-Restored-Revised/dp/1495193535/ref=dp_ob_image_bk
By now you’ve had a glimpse of Polly and a portion of her story. In fact, Episode Two: ‘What Do You Dance For’ is an idea taken straight from the pages of her powerful book.
This is important because we don’t ever want you to think we’re asking you to do anything from the ‘cheap seats’. When we make an ‘ask’ or offer an idea for your own exploration, it’s because we know the power these journeys can have to bring us hope and healing.
In order to live the life we’re created for, rather than living out of a performance-based mentality, it is helpful to dig a bit deeper into who we are and why we do the things we do.
When you follow Polly's story you will have the opportunity to explore and write the foundations of your own. After every chapter are journal prompts designed to help you discover who God truly created you to be.
While your journey may not look like hers (or does it?) this book will challenge and encourage you to become free and realize your true identity and value. An essential in learning how to fully realize the value of others and their stories.
https://www.amazon.com/Perfecting-Ourselves-Death-Excellence-Perfectionism/dp/0830832599/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1527614636&sr=8-1&keywords=perfecting+ourselves+to+death
While discussing a topic like ‘What Do You Dance For’ in Episode Two, it seemed only natural to us that we should call out the obvious and damaging part perfectionism plays in our battle with living performance-based lives. Whether it’s the pursuit of the perfect body, image, family, job or relationships, if we have any hope of living a full life we must let go of the pursuit of a perfect one.
Dr. Richard Winter helps us explore this and offers practical strategies for how to change. He helps us see that there nothing wrong with striving for excellence in our lives. This can, in fact, be a very healthy thing!
However, Dr. Winter helps us see that perfecting ourselves and striving for excellence are two very separate things. And more often than not, one is the enemy of the other.
https://www.amazon.com/Think-Differently-Live-Keys-Freedom/dp/1450709206/ref=pd_cp_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1450709206&pd_rd_r=ed1f0947-6369-11e8-8ce9-a3e8d727e07b&pd_rd_w=DEEac&pd_rd_wg=j8z7y&pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_p=80460301815383741&pf_rd_r=0GD7HYQRPM5Y99M3FDV9&pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_t=40701&psc=1&refRID=0GD7HYQRPM5Y99M3FDV9
When you hear us say things like “knowledge is only power when its combined with action”, it’s a safe bet that we’re going to feel drawn to a resource that helps us explore how we are thinking about life. While we know it’s not as simple as changing your mind, Bob Hamp helps us see that it is a critical foundation to truly changing the way we live.
Examining the root of performance based mentality requires us to take an honest and at times, challenging, look at the way we think about ourselves and the world around us.
Filled with tender words and powerful truth, this book will help you see, through parable and practicality, the ways in which we think about life ultimately leads to the way we live it.
Read it with highlighter in hand!
3...2...1...BLAST OFF!
Welcome to our launch! We are Gina & Polly, just a couple of chicks trying to save the world one conversation at a time.
In this episode we discuss the who and why of it all and invite you to do more than just listen. Knowledge is only power if it's combined with action.
We all have those things we don’t say out loud. Not because it’ll hurt someone’s feelings or because it’s wholly inappropriate, but because we fear judgment, ridicule, being voted off the island.
But the truth is some questions need to be asked. Things need to be said. Called out. Shared. Brought into the light.
If there’s going to be any hope of growth, healing, or true connection, we need a safe place to explore those things we fear saying out loud. A shame free, judgment free space. And a tribe to explore them with.
If it’s going to feel like a jungle out there, we might as well learn to tame a few beasts as we journey through it.
Welcome to the Jungle!
Book Resources!
https://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-Those/dp/0310210844/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1527263072&sr=8-1&keywords=safe+people
We’ve asked you to take some big risks right out of the gate, but we want you to be as safe as possible when you do take risks. It’s important to understand the types of people you can take responsible, relational risks with but what does a safe person look like and just as important, what does it mean to be a safe person?
Cloud & Townsend have written this helpful book to help us recognize what a safe person/relationship looks like, how to cultivate those relationships and how to become a safe person for others. A must read for those of us seeking to grow in emotionally healthy ways on our walk through this life.
Make sure to read with paper and pen handy. There will be much to consider at a deeper level.
https://www.amazon.com/Everybody-Always-Becoming-Setbacks-Difficult/dp/0718078136/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1527611235&sr=8-1&keywords=bob+goff
One of the big ‘asks’ from Episode One? To take a look at those who would be considered ‘on the fringe’ of our lives. People we don’t agree with or people who may not live life the way we think they should.
Bob Goff hits us between the eyes in the most beautiful way by challenging us to take the command to ‘love others’ seriously and without condition. (Because, there are no exceptions in the verse.)
Through his story telling and Yoda-like confrontations, Bob helps us take a closer look at ourselves and the way we do relationship with others. One particular idea in the book made him a clear choice for a resource to our Episode One. Bob tells us that essentially, we can learn a lot about ourselves by how we treat those who would otherwise be considered trolls in our life. In other words, if we’re loving well, there won’t be any (trolls, that is).
This is one book that I would recommend on Audible or some other version of audio book since Bob reads his own story. But one could make a strong case for the paper version as well because you will want to hi-lite most of it! (What the heck. Splurge and get both!)
