Daily Bible Podcast: Recent Episodes
Godless Engineer
I am John Gleason. I live in North Alabama with KC, the other admin of GE. I am regularly surrounded by religious non-sense and have to deal with it on a daily basis either in my personal and professional life or online. It's everywhere I have things to say about it.
I am Godless and a Professional Engineer. Science, Politics, and Atheism regularly come together and I'm here to stand up to the religious right of the world.
Aggressive atheism. Because no one else wants to say "eff off" to the bible bashers.
What's Up Heathens! Today on the Daily Bible Podcast we are going over the start of Moses' Journey to the Promised Land. He and the Jews anger God many times in today's podcast alone.
So we start off with blowing silver trumpets in different ways to call people to begin to leave, to gather, and in case they need help from God. God can't hear prayers or anything yet. That power is developed later on. Every time they moved they had to break down the tabernacle, move it till they stopped, and reset up the tabernacle. This seems to be the most inefficient way to travel. Every time they set everything up Moses has to recite a chant. Every time they tear it down the have to recite a chant. At one point Moses starts complaining to god about when he's going to be free of his responsibility. God says 70 men will receive part of my spirit that is in you. God basically creates a bunch of Horcruxes in these 70 men. They were identified when they started suddenly speaking in tongues. Two of the men were in the camp when this started to happen. Scared the shit out of his family I'm sure.
After that the Jews bitch and complain about having to eat mana all the time. So God, being compassionate, was like "Fine you want here's a fuckton of meat goddamit" and he sends a shit ton of quail. After he does this he lights the outskirts of the camp on fire because the Jews ate the quail he sent them.
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What's Up Heathens! Today on the Daily Bible Podcast we are numbering the Israelites again with a military census. After that, God is going to give back all but 273 firstborns of the Jews, which they have to pay 35lbs of silver for.
We start with the first Passover after they escaped Egypt. It was to be celebrated in a specific way on a specific day. This doesn't coincide with when they actually left Egypt. It was 2 years and a month after they escaped Egypt. Then we get into the numbering of the Israelites. They go through a long repetitive process of counting all the military-aged men, being 20 or older, in each of the twelve tribes. They ended up numbering like 650K guys. Total sausage fest.
They had to number the Levites separately because they were to be the priests for God. God exchanged the Levites for the firstborn of the Israelites in a 1 to 1 fashion. There were 273 more firstborns than Levites so they charged 5 shekels of silver per child. That amounted to 1365 shekels or 35 lbs of silver. I'm not sure why God needs this silver but he always needs your money.
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What's Up Heathens! Today on the podcast we don't have a lot to talk about, mainly because the bible repeats itself a lot. God has the Levites shaving their bodies for his pleasure. This is after God literally fired Aaron's sons from the priesthood and now God is dictating that the Levites be his priests.
So we start today off with the Levites getting shaved and oiled up for God. They are going to be the priests and so they have to be ordained just like Aaron's sons were but this time they aren't going to screw up. Then, God, has them do the sacrifices for all the tribes. For 12 days all 12 tribes had to bring the same offering to god. This resulted in 60 lbs of silver, 3 lbs of gold, 12 bulls, 72 rams, lambs, and goats, and finally 24 oxen. I mean you got to imagine it was a bloodbath. They were slaughtering and waving shit in the air because by day 2 I'm sure they really didn't care at all.
At the end, Aaron is told to light some lamps and is told where to put them. He does what he's told because he saw what happened to his sons. he's not about to get fire shoved up his ass.
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What's up Heathens! I hope you guys had a safe and happy new year. Today we are talking about God killing Aaron's sons after their ordination. If anything, God loves firing people in the most gruesome of ways. Leading up to that we have a couple days of repetitive stuff but we find out how much gold, silver, and bronze they used to bedazzle god's temple.
So we decided to skim over a couple days because it's just repetitive stuff that they have already covered. It's just that now they are actually doing it and Moses has to inspect and give his approval. We do find out that it took tons of silver, gold, and bronze to bedazzle god's holy place. It makes no sense that an eternal being would have such finite requirements such as "bedazzle my shit Moses, daddy likes it sparkly and shit." In any case, in those two days, we finish exodus with the completed construction of the local bar... tabernacle.
We are starting Leviticus. Leviticus 8 is the only part of any story actually in it. The ordination of Aaron's sons is just your regular jew thing until those two guys get drunk and use the wrong fire to light God's something or another and so in true Trump fashion he fires them. Unlike Trump, he literally fires them. He sets them on fire. God shoves fireballs up their ass. Yahweh kills them with fire is what I'm saying. Isn't that just pedantic though? One fire is just as good as another. It's not like they used a grease fire rather than a wood fire.
Then, Moses gets a stick up his ass and decides to outlaw all drinking for the priests and people that go to the temple. I guess that leaves him to give a drunken rant at the pub... tabernacle... about all the shit you have to do in order to please God because Yahweh is a picky motherfucker. Then some other fuck ups sacrificed some sin offering and burnt offerings but didn't eat the sin offering. You know how God loves to watch you eat the sins of your fellow Jew. Moses was convinced to look the other direction though because they asked if God would have been pleased if they ate it that day or the next. I still don't know how that makes sense.
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What's up Heathens! Today on the podcast we are discussing how Moses smashes the Ten Commandments. Aaron screws up and creates an idol for people to worship because they can't deal without him and god for a month.
So we start off with God getting mad on the mountain because the people are worshipping a golden calf that Aaron made. When Moses gets down off the mountain he smashes the tables that God just carved out for him. Because why not amirite? The only obvious thing for them to do is to grind up the golden calf into a fine dust and make people drink metallic water. Which can only do great things to their digestive tract?
After this Aaron uses the worst explanation for how the calf was made. Apparently, he just threw the gold into the fire and out rolled a golden cow. So as a compromise between god and Moses, they have the Levites kill 3000 Israelites. You know, a proportionate response. Moses then goes to convene with God by himself, which is how all revelations from god happen. God and Moses pow wow and God agrees to show himself to Moses. God says I will put you in a crevasse and cover you as I pass by and then you will see my back. Thanks for showing me your ass god... appreciate it?
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What's Up Heathens! Today on the Daily Bible Podcast, God is giving Moses the ritual instructions for ordaining priests, cleansing their sins, and the daily sacrifices to this totally not psychotic blood god. OH! He also gives Moses the first set of Ten Commandment tablets (spoiler: they get broken by the Jews) that was penned with his mighty lightning "glory."
Today is not at all a psychopathic laced bible reading at all. God starts out outlining how they are to slaughter a Bull and Ram every year for whatever reason. Then the Jewish people are to cover their right ear, toe, and thumbs in the blood of their sacrifices. I'm still unsure as to why this whole playing in blood thing is needed. After they slaughter the animals and bathe in their blood, they have to burn their carcasses for ... reasons. At some point they have to wave parts of the animals in the air like they just don't care.
To be ordained a priest they have to do similar blood bath stuff. They have to cover themselves in the blood of their slaughtered livestock and then coat the horns of the alter with blood and entrails. You have to imagine someone totally foreign to these people watching this happen and stepping away slowly. Anyways, the people being ordained have to wear the blood of the animals for 7 days. Also, before entering the temple the priests have to wash their hands and feet because God will be damned if he lets them track mud into his house.
God ends it with giving him the tablets.
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What's Up Heathens! Today we are discussing some really pedantic shit along with the ark of the covenant. God is really specific about how he likes shit to be made... like lampshades.
So today we are starting out with laying down the law for tabernacles and lamps. I'm not shitting you. Lamps. More importantly, we cover the ark of the covenant and how that is made. Considering how poor and destitute Jesus not only is in the new testament but also that is what he requires of his followers, it is surprising to hear god demand such rich and expensive things. I'm not one to think that they want or need for material stuff is a bad thing. But couldn't this motherfucker just make this shit appear instead of getting his "chosen people" to obtain the raw materials?
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Hey, Heathens! Today we have Moses going to Mt. Sinai to get the 10 commandments. God is very protective of this mountain too.
So it's been a long time since the flimsy covenant with god. So now god proposes a new covenant because that makes sense. Then the Israelites agree to this covenant that they set up with god and get consecrated. Then comes the consecration of the people where Moses sprays animal blood on the altar and on the people. To repeat, he sprayed animal blood on the hundreds of science of thousands of people. That's pretty screwed up.
The next day god generates a dense vape cloud on the mountain and asks Moses to join him. And god tells him that no one else can come and see him. How convenient right. Apparently, Aaron is allowed. God then gives Moses and Aaron the 10 commandments to rule their society. He should have put more thought into that top 10 list.
The Israelites became afraid of god because he rules by fear. Like all great dictators... I mean leaders of our time. God, of course, cannot talk to the people directly because they will die if that happens. You remember Dogma. Then they talk about how to build an altar. If you don't build it perfectly, you're going to get fucked.
God ends this with empty promises and blessings. He has the elders summoned to worship him and the Israelites accept the new covenant for whatever reason. Moses spends 40 days alone on the mountain.
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Today on the Daily Bible Podcast, We have Moses using his big thick staff to part the Red Sea to say his people from the imminent threat God concocted to scare them into believing and trust him.
Last time we had the Israelites leaving out of Egypt after god slaughtered a bunch of kids. They also stole stuff on their way out. It was really stealing because god manipulated their free will so they would give the stuff to the Israelites. They then set out on the journey out of Egypt.
At some point during the journey, God again tampered with the free will of Pharaoh and had him change his mind about letting the Israelites go. He then sends basically his whole army after them to bring them back. On his way there God hinders them with a fog so they don't get too close to the Israelites.
Meanwhile, Moses and his people are stopped by the Red Sea. The people start to freak out so Moses starts to part the sea the night before. It takes all night for the WIND to part the sea. So he has a highspeed wind tunnel that is parting the sea and they just walk through it like nothing is happening.
They get to the other side and god drowns Pharaoh's men because they had caught up to them but not in enough time to be able to turn around before the sea swallowed them up.
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Hey, Heathens! Today we are going through Exodus and continuing our journey with Moses. This is the part where they are apparently wondering around for like 40 years, which has the proto-Jewish people pissed off.
Moses leads them to the desert of Shure where they had been 3 days without water. Of course, it was 3 days because of phrophetic numbers and stuff. They had been all this time without water. So they started to complain. That's when Moses takes out his wood and chunks it into the water to make it sweet, well just to not as salty as his people were being.
Then It goes through this whole explanation for the sabbath where god tells them to gather enough food the day before so they don't have to do any work on the next day. God has mana appear in the morning and quail in the evening.
They travel some more and the Israelites bitching meter starts to overflow so they start bitching for more water. Granted they should be bitching but them bitching is their general demeanor. So god instructs Moses to strike the rock and produce water.
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Today on the Daily Bible Podcast, We have Moses using his big thick staff to part the Red Sea to say his people from the imminent threat God concocted to scare them into believing and trust him.
Last time we had the Israelites leaving out of Egypt after god slaughtered a bunch of kids. They also stole stuff on their way out. It was really stealing because god manipulated their free will so they would give the stuff to the Israelites. They then set out on the journey out of Egypt.
At some point during the journey, God again tampered with the free will of Pharaoh and had him change his mind about letting the Israelites go. He then sends basically his whole army after them to bring them back. On his way there God hinders them with a fog so they don't get too close to the Israelites.
Meanwhile, Moses and his people are stopped by the Red Sea. The people start to freak out so Moses starts to part the sea the night before. It takes all night for the WIND to part the sea. So he has a highspeed wind tunnel that is parting the sea and they just walk through it like nothing is happening.
They get to the other side and god drowns Pharaoh's men because they had caught up to them but not in enough time to be able to turn around before the sea swallowed them up.
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Today on the podcast we are talking about the jews leaving out from Egypt, painting their doors with blood, and robbing the Egyptian people before they bounce.
Last time we left off right as god was about to turn into a real gangsta and kill all the first born. We pick back up at that point and Moses has to layout all the laws concerning the passover. Did you know they should hold a staff while eating with their robs tucked in? It'd suck if you fucked up one thing and got sent to Sheol lol
After telling people how not to get nipped by the angel of death, they all slaughter the animals and paint their doors with the blood of their animal sacrifices. Cause that doesn't sound creepy as fuck, nor like a serial killer. So that night, all the kids die and there wasn't a single house in Egypt that didn't have a dead kid in it. God did kill everyone on earth except for that Noah fuck so these kids didn't mean shit to him.
Then they get called to Pharaoh and told to get the fuck out. They did but they also took all the silver from the Egyptian people. God basically changed their free will to be more susceptible to the Jews.
Next time, Pharaoh has regrets and chases down Moses.
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Today we have the rest of the Egyptian plagues. First we have dead animals, but obviously, not all the animals except the Bible says all the animals. it's a little confusing.
So the animals, but not all of them, are dead. Next is the Boils. Moses throws dust up in the air and everyone gets boils for some fucking reason. Next God makes it hail like a motherfucker.
After some back and forth where Pharoah agrees and then goes back on it a couple times, God is like "fuck you Pharoah for doing shit I need you to do" so he proceeds to send locust to gobble up all their food. Then he turns out all the light. Except for the Golem town where the Jews live. They get light. It was pitch black too... like the sun had been removed from the sky or something.
Then God basically tells Moses to steal from the Egyptians by asking for their silver and gold. This is because Pharoah will drive them all the way out when God kills his son.
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Today we have Moses causing the Plagues on the Egyptians. We are covering Exodus 5-8 and it's only half of the plagues. Basically, Moses turns his one-eyed trouser snake into a rod and back again. I think...
So we have Moses coming to Pharoah, which God has already hardened his heart btw, and asking him for a 3-day vacation in the desert. Pharoah doesn't like this idea so he tells them to fuck off. God is pissed because Pharoah does what God hardened his heart to do so he decides to turn the waters red with blood. Apparently, the water was so putrid people couldn't drink it... I would think the immense amount of fucking blood would do the trick.
Pharoah is still hardened so God sends another plague... frogs. Frogs swarmed the land. I guess they were signs that the Alt-Right Moses group wasn't going anywhere. The army of Pepe's would have done the trick.
Pharoah is unphased. So God Sends Lice. Pharoah is still not taking the bait. So he gives them flies like they are at a massive outdoor bar-b-que. Then God kills the livestock because fuck those animals. Then he sends boils. Pharoah's heart is still hardened.
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Today on the Daily Bible Podcast, we are tackling Exodus with Moses' birth and hallucination experience. Basically, it's a Jewish version of Sargon of Akkad.
So Moses is caught up in a mass killing of little kids ordered by the pharaoh. Does this sound familiar at all? This is the exact same shit that Jesus went through. Anyways, his mother keeps him till he is 3 months old and then puts him in a basket and floats him down the river. Moses' sister sees that Pharoah's daughter actually finds Moses and Pharoah agree to allow her to raise the child.
Fast Forward some years because during a hero epic you don't tell people about the person's childhood. Moses learns of his Jewish heritage so he goes out and kills an Egyptian, as one does when they find out they are Jewish. He then flees because the Pharoah found out what he did. He goes to Midian where he is gifted a wife because they are property here because he fed some hillbilly's sheep.
Some time passes and Moses has some kids. In a sleep deprived hallucination, God tells Moses to go to Egypt. Moses, being directly in the line of Joseph, whines like a bitch. Reluctantly Moses agrees to go and free his people in Egypt. On the way, though , God tries to either kill him or his son.... for God reasons.
Thinking quickly, Moses' wife does an emergency circumcision on their son and throws the foreskin at the feet of Moses. God was please by this show of insanity or maybe he was scared and didn't wanna fuck with the crazy woman.
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So first up today on the Daily Bible Podcast, we have Jacob dying and naming the 12 tribes of Isreal and Joseph dies as well rounding out genesis.
Jacob is dying and he gathers his sons around him. He basically steals two of Joseph's sons from him and says they will have tribes as well. I mean honestly that makes Jacob a bit of a dick and Joseph a cuck. He pretty much tells the fates of each tribe of Israel. Basically the only one that comes out on top is Judah. 12 is a prophetic number in the Bible. 12 will go on to be a representative of Israel.
Joseph dies too. He asks them to bury him with his father but they bury him in Egypt. Because they are dicks.
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In today's episode, We find out how the Jews were enslaved by the Egyptians. Actually, it's more like severe buyers remorse. They proposed the deal, don't bitch about it because you didn't think about it all the way through.
We start out where we left off and that is Joseph calling for his father to come and live with him because they will die otherwise. So Jacob/Isreal comes and cries like a bitch for his son who he thought was dead because his shit head bros sold him off. I swear that had to of been a constant thing for Joseph to throw at them too. Just whenever they bitch about something he would respond with "Well it's not like being sold into slavery by your brothers." The shade would be strong.
Eventually, Jacob ran out of money to buy food so they traded livestock. Once he was out of that Jacob sold himself and his whole group of people... you know the Jews. Of course, it was either do that or die from starvation.
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Today we are Debunking the idea that Radiocarbon dating requires faith. Genesis Apologetics is getting really disingenuous about this.
First, they try to say that the decay rates change over time. They present a strawman argument that labels the different levels of radiocarbons in the atmosphere as being changes in decay rates. Decay rates have always been proven to be constant while the actual atom that is selected to decay at any given moment is random. They want to suggest that it could have changed, therefore radiocarbon dating isn't reliable.
They try to poison the well of radiocarbon dating by bringing out a bogus report that is nowhere to be found on the internet at all. The only reference to anything they show is an HIV study that was done that has no relevance to this particular study. Even that doesn't exist anymore. The study only shows that the labs in question didn't meet performance standards that resulted in the incorrect dating of known objects.
Then he goes into his Christian spiel about how we can only trust the word of god because he was there at the beginning and penned it with his lightning cock.
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So MorgueOfficial is pushing a new mystery religion known as Hyperianism. Hyperianism is a new mystery religion that is becoming popular.
Hyperianism is a pseudoscience filled word salad of a religion. There are a few requirements for it to be called a mystery religion. One is that only those within the belief will understand the teachings. Two is they have their own code words or language that they will understand and be taught once you join the religion.
He says that only the "brightest" of those in the world will be able to understand hyperian beliefs and messages. This is a key factor in all mystery religions.
Next he says that they have their own language or code that people will learn when they become part of the cult / religion. This is classic mystery religion type of teaching. Keeping stuff secret and only for those within the religion.
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Today we talk to Ben about why he presupposes God's existence and why he thinks Christianity is True. It boils down to the idea that the Bible says that everyone has been shown that God exists by God so there is no point in showing evidence. He thinks Christianity is true because "every world religion borrows from his." When I try to challenge him on this he says we are getting off topic and I'm avoiding questions, which I still don't understand.
His evidence for his beliefs boils down to a book. Mine is based on evidence given by our reality. He is expecting me to respond in certain ways. You can tell by when he asks me about absolute truth. He is expecting me to answer in certain ways because he has preprogrammed responses to that. I don't answer him like he wants me to so he just keeps pushing issues like morality. I haven't answered him like he wants me to answer him.
Christianity isn't the first religion with laws and codes of ethics. The Code of Hammurabi existed way before Christianity, so it's not even remotely true that all religions are pulling from the Christian world view in order to create theirs.
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Today we are talking with Drew from the Genetically Modified Skeptic Channel on how he became an atheist. He takes through his journey from being a fundamental Christian to a genetically modified skeptic.
Drew started out as a fundamentalist Christian. He believed in the 6000-year-old earth and Evolution was a lie. Then he started an Astronomy Class where he was exposed to facts about the universe that he hadn't of considered. How long it takes light to reach Earth from distant stars changed him from a young earth creationist to an old earth creationist almost instantly. As he studied and learned more, he eventually found himself at a crossroads in his faith.
I'm glad that stars and starlight flipped his switch a few years ago and got him to start thinking.
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Benjamin Rice asks me how atheists account for morality in Part 1 of our discussion on God. This is Ben's first question and we spend 40 minutes discussing it because he doesn't like my answer.
It boils down to the fact that Ben doesn't like my answer. He's wanting to know where morality can into play in our human evolution. I explain to him that Morality is a human construct and that once we gained the ability to Reason as sentient creatures, we developed this sense of morality. It's a natural consequence of developing higher brain functions.
He doesn't like this answer because it doesn't fit the narrative that he prepared for. He wants to know what animal in our evolution developed morality. He seems to think that it's either Natural Selection or Morality. Those two are not even related, AT ALL. He keeps thinking that I'm not answering the question when in actuality, he's just not understanding the information.
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So today we are continuing the story of Joseph in Egypt except today's episode is basically an episode of Punk'd. He pulls a fast one on his brothers and basically makes them crap themselves in fear because they sold him into slavery.
Last time we left off with the brothers making the trip to Egypt. They get there and Joseph recognizes them but they don't recognize him. So he allows them to buy food and leave minus one of the brothers. He told them that they needed to bring Ben back when they returned to get the other brother. Unbeknownst to them, he put their money back into the sacks. When they got back to Jacob they talked about how the money was in their sacks and that the Egyptians had the other brother. Jacob wasn't about to let Ben out of his sight though.
Eventually, they need to go back so Jacob relinquishes Ben. Joseph is happy to see the entire set of bros there and decides to dine with them. He cries like a bitch. He lets them in on the secret after punk'ing them a second time.
They are happy to see their brother and everything is fine after the selling into slavery thing.
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Today on the podcast we discuss Joseph in Egypt and how he becomes a house jew 3 times. Some woman tries to violate him and we end on his brothers starting to travel to Egypt.
So first Joseph is being solid to the head guard guy in Egypt. He was put in charge of the entire place because God was with him. Well, the wife some of that Hebrew wood and he wouldn't give it up. She cries that he violated her and he was promptly thrown into the jail.
While in Jail he was put in charge of the whole place because God was with him. He interpreted dreams of a couple of prisoners that were close to Pharaoh. It eventually paid off.
A couple years after the dream interpretations, it came up that Pharaoh needed some dream interpreting. Joseph interprets his dreams and basically comes to rule Egypt.
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Today on the Daily Bible Podcast, Joseph gets sold into slavery and Judah accidentally impregnates his own daughter-in-law when she is mistaken for a prostitute.
So first we blow through Esau and his descendants because who cares about Chewbacca's line. Then we get to Judah and his sons. Joseph is his favorite and he likes to have dreams. These dreams are of his brothers, all 11 of them, bowing down to him in the future. So like a dipshit he goes and tells his brosefs all about this. They get pissy and sell him to some people that eventually sell him to Egypt.
Next, God decides to kill one of Judah's kids that are married to Tamar. For literally no reason, at least that we are given. Next, Judah tells his other son to have kids with tamar but they will be his brothers kids. Dude is like "Nah, Bro" and decides to spill his seed instead of impregnating her. God kills him.
Next, Judah promises another son to Tamar once he gets to be fuckin age and he doesn't do it. She then prostitutes herself to Judah and his another set of two kids, I guess to make up for the other two that she killed.
Today we tell the tale of the perilous story of Dinah, Jacob's daughter. Dinah was just minding her own business when out of nowhere this asshole named Shechem who lived in Shechem. They were not original people at all. She was violated and then he creepily started to pillow talk her like he didn't just violate her. It's very odd to hear your rapist talk about how your eyes fills his heart with joy....
Then Jacob told Dinah's brothers about the incident and then went to have a word with Shechem. They didn't kick his ass, they just bartered for their sister. Yeah they charged Shechem his foreskin and the foreskin of his entire town to have Dinah. Then the two brothers went and killed all of them after having their genitals mutilated.
Both God and Jacob didn't object to the morality of the situation. Only that other tribes would fuck them up.
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So today on the Daily Bible we have Jacob telling Laban "Bye Felicia." Jacob leaves laban in the middle of the night with his 4 wives, 13 children, and everyone else that is part of his household. I'm not sure how you leave quietly in the middle of the night with 13 children from 4 women but mafucker did it.
Laban didn't know that Jacob had left for 3 days, magical number. He was shearing his sheep, which might be code for having sexy time with them, and didn't notice the whole of his family missing. Talk about not noticing shit.
Next Jacob wrestles with a naked man in the middle of the night. Why is this episode all about fucking ???
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Today on the show we discuss the complexities of indentured servitude and what it's like to get paid with the wrong woman. Jacob doesn't just get one woman but four.
So we start off with Jacob working for his uncle to get Rachel. Because this is the Bible, it's cool cause women are property yo. So Jacob works as a servant for 7 years to get Rachel but instead is bamboozled with Leah. He doesn't even realize it isn't Rachel till after they are wed and he's fucked her. Kind of like the asshole that doesn't realize he ordered a salad but got a hamburger so he decides to complain.
So Jacob gets Rachel too but has to work another 7 years as an indentured servant. It's odd how Jacob is now on the receiving end of being bamboozled when he bamboozled his father. During that time, Jacob is having kids. Rachel is barren because god said "FUCK RACHEL" so he had kids with leah. Then Rachel gave him her woman servant. Then Leah gave him her servant. Then God pitied Rachel and allowed her to have children.
Later on, Jacob wants to leave his uncle and take some of the flock. His uncle tries to bamboozle Jacob again but fails because Jacob is expecting it.
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Welcome Heathens! We are back on with the Daily Bible Podcast. We had to take a couple weeks there because I was on a business trip but now I'm back and ready to get to work.
Today on the Podcast, we have a tale of two white trash men living it up in the trailer park in the middle east. The first guy has a son and he, Isaac, marries Becky from down the block. Becky is a lot younger than Isaac but nobody seems to give a fuck. Now after the Abraham dies, his son Isaac decides to repeat everything that he did. From denying he has wife and calling her his sister to Abimelech, to fleeing to Egypt because of famine. I mean it's a shot for shot remake of the entire fucking thing.
Then we get to Jacob and Esau. Esau is riding the short bus while Jacob is the jock that everyone wants to love but also know he's a dick. Jacob convinces the mentally handicap red head wookie, aka Esau, to give up his birth right for some lentil soup, the shittiest of all soups.
So today we are dealing with Genesis 24. In Genesis 24, we are selecting a suitable wife for Isaac. You know, the non-bastard son of Abraham. Well after Sarah dies, Abraham then decides to get his son a wife, because why would he find himself a wife, that's ridiculous. So Abraham sends his servant to the land of Nahor and tells him to get Isaac a bride. So it wasn't actually Abraham that went.. he sent a fucking proxy.
We also discuss the age of Rebekah when she was selected and the morality surrounding that.
Today on the Daily Bible Podcast we are covering the part where Isaac gets punk'd by Abraham. In an act of what can only be called stupidity, Abraham listens to the voices in his head and tries to sacrifice his only son. Well not his only son, remember he has that one bastard, but still it's his only true son. This is the same son that took like 100 years for Sarah to conceive.
So, in showing his unwaivering ability to be crazy as fuck, god tells him that now he will have descendants as numerous as the stars. Isaac must be the one to do all this fucking and having kids though because in the next scene Sarah dies. Before that, though we meet Nahor again. Now while god has been promising all these descendants to Abraham, Nahor has 8 goddamn sons. I don't know but seems like Abraham got the raw end of the descendants deal here.
Back to Sarah's death though. Abraham then reverse-heckles a guy for a tomb. If you're unclear as to what reverse-heckling is, I don't blame you. It's when you pay more for something that you would have gotten at a lesser value. He would have gotten the tomb for free but he heckled that motherfucker up to 400 Sheckles... That's like 10 rapes.
So in this episode, we deal with Abimelech and the Birth of Isaac. Abimelech asks for Sarah to join him as his wife. Of course, Abraham has her just say that she is his sister (which isn't a lie). God tells Abimelech that he'll kill him if he keeps Sarah. Oh, and God has also closed up all the vaginas in his house.
Isaac was also born. Ishmael is an archer.
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So today's episode starts out with Abraham getting visited by god. While Abe slaughters a calf God and he makes small talk. After all that killing, God tells Abe that Sarah will bear a child in a year. Sarah laughs and then God gives her the Samuel L. Jackson look like "Bitch, you said what." She lies to god about laughing which is a big mistake.
Next, we head to Sodom and Abe stops god before he leaves. He argues with God and attempts to jew him out of a good time. After pinky swearing to Abe that he wouldn't destroy the city if he found 10 righteous men in it. The Angels get taken in by Lot and like a "new ass" bat signal every man int he city surrounds Lot's house and tells him to bring the new pieces of ass outside so they can run a train on them. Lot was like nope, here have my virgin daughters for your rape train. Then the angels blinded everyone and told Lot to get the fuck out.
They end with the incest scene that for some reason is wrong.
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So today we have a lot to talk about. First up is how hypocritical Sarai is with Hagar. First, she gives Hagar to Abram as a consolation prize because she's barren as fuck and God is slower than a fat guy on a scooter. So Abram conceives a child with Hagar and that pisses Sarai because she's a confused bitch.
Next God chooses Abraham to be his special chosen people. The grand prize for that is circumcision, cutting part of your dick off. I know the prize sucks. Abraham circumcises himself and then everyone that is in his household has to be circumcised by Abraham.
NotGayAtAll.
So from Sarai and Hagar to Abraham circumcising himself, today is a weird one and a major struggle for me to not make dick jokes.
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Today in the Daily Bible, we are looking at how Abram dishonors himself. Normally when we are talking about dishonoring people Asia is involved but this time it's Egypt. So we have Abram and Sarai are traveling through Egypt and like the good cuck that he is Abram allows Pharoh to take Sarai as a wife because he couldn't handle the consequences of being her husband. Sarai was so beautiful that it scared the man of Abram. Of course, Christians teach this as "You have to be faithful to god no matter what" because apparently he should have just trusted that god would protect them.
Pharoh ends up giving Sarai back because of some major STD that he received and honestly you can see where this story was copy / pasted to another person in the bible. Abram had to go back to where he came from with Sarai in tow.
How much bitching do you think she did on the way back?
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Today we are looking into the Descendants of Shem, Ham, and Jerry. Abraham descends from the line of Shem and Ham's descendants are the Canaanites. They give themselves weird names and I really don't know how they kept them straight. These descendants include Kush and his son Nimrod. I have a lot of fun with that.
We also look into the "logic" of the Tower of Babel. Apparently, God got scared of people being united. And there is some Flat Earth Theory that is insinuated by the Tower of Babel.
Thank you for joining GE's Daily Bible Podcast today. Don't forget to leave those comments for our special comment episode.
Remember to Stand up and Use your voice.
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So today we tackle Noah and the Flood. We find out a lot of things like "How much does a fuck-ton weigh?" It's amazing how few questions religious people actually ask while reading the bible. First, we cover why exactly god needed to be all genocidal and how it was really dumb for him to lament over it when it had to be this way. Then we move into the building of the ark and the actual flood waters appearing. We calculate the amount of water needed to cover the earth like that and it's a fuck-ton.
We finish up today talking about the curse of ham and how it's all because Ham looked a bit too long at Noah's penis. Noah found out and said "Ain't no son of mine gonna be a faggot" and then cursed him and his descendants for eternity.
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Today on the Daily Bible Podcast, we are looking at the alternative facts of Adam and Eve and their children. We start at Adam and Eve post fruit snack and we investigate why people lived as long as they did, where did they find women to fuck, and who these women were. Turns out they just fucked each other for 10 generations. At that point you're gonna have some fuck ups in the family.
Join us along with Adam, Eve, Seth, Larry, and Jerry to figure out the descendant chain of the "first two humans" #SpecialSnowflakes #AlternativeFacts
Remember, if you love our podcast please help us spread the word and share it out with your peeps.
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Here is the new Podcast by Godless Engineer and Kaitlyn. We are going to be going through a 365 Day Bible Plan in this awesome book. Well, "awesome" book.
The first day is creation, which generates a lot of different questions from both KC and me. From there we discover that God goatse'd light out of his ass and created days. Next we discuss the paradox of the fruit that god says not to eat. Did Adam and Eve know they shouldn't eat the fruit or were they oblivious to it because they hadn't gained the Knowledge of good and evil yet?
Find out in this episode.
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