The Pleasure For Health Podcast: Recent Episodes
pleasureforhealth
Compassionate intimacy coaching with Somatic Sex Educator, Ailsa Keppie. Connecting self, energy and desire.
Emotional and Psychological safety is often cited as one of the main things we look for in a relationship but what exactly is it? If we wait for others to create a safe place for us are we ever going to find a partner who can maintain this kind of connection? Join me for a discussion about trust, safety and creating intimacy.
to see more of my work please visit www.pleasureforhealth.com
How can communication make or break your relationship?
I see many clients coming in telling me their partner isn't that intimate anymore. When I ask them if they have talked about this - it's almost always a - "Well.... no not really".
Join me today to look at how upping our communication skills can reignite your passion and connection.
find out more about me and my work at www.pleasureforhealth.com
Join me and My guest, DR. ELLIOT JUSTIN, MD, the CEO and Founder of FirmTech for a talk about the effectiveness of measuring erectile fitness and its indications for heart health.
Although I don't usually work with this aspect of health in my own intimacy coaching, I am all for giving folks options and this is definitely an option for men to consider when looking at their own sexual wellness.
ELLIOT JUSTIN, MD, FACEP, is the CEO and Founder of FirmTech, the first sex tech company dedicated to improving men’s erectile fitness. He has a background in Emergency Medicine and healthcare technology consulting. Dr. Justin is also a serial healthcare entrepreneur, having founded and sold Pegasus Emergency Group and Swift MD. He has provided guidance to various services, telemedicine, and tech startups. Dr. Justin pursued Slavic Studies at Harvard University and studied medicine at Boston University. Happily married for 35 years, and father of three children, Elliot and Ann live in Montana with three energetic mares and a flock of chickens. He is a passionate trail rider who sometimes imagines, to his wife’s chagrin, that he’s a centaur.
Join myself and my 25 year old daughter as we discuss the in's and out's of AI and how it is shaping our intimate relationships. Have you tried an AI girlfriend? Is it cheating to have a secret relationship with an AI? So much is changing and it's hard to know what is really important between humans.
I have my youngest daughter on with me today to talk about how relationships have shifted in the current generation of 20 somethings from the way I remember and approach relationships and dating. Feeling out of touch with modern day relating? Are long term relationships getting harder? Join us for an enlightening discussion of these and other related topics.
Creating Safety in a relationship is so much harder than we think. Why is this? How is our fear sabotaging our best intimate moments and robbing us of creating stronger and more fully authentic partnerships? Join Ailsa for an exploration of fear and how it often drives us away from what we really want.
What happens when you come for a session with A Somatic Sex Educator? Join Ailsa for an informal chat about what to expect and what people come to see me for. For more info see my website www.pleasureforhealth.com
Join me as I chat with Leslie Costello, a certified Perinatal Psychotherapist and certified Bioenergetic Therapist about early bonding and how that affects our adult relationships. We discussed the enmeshment of the early infant and mother relationship, the shame that can come with this. We even touched on AI and how that might be impeding our relational maturity.
Leslie is the author of "Helping Mothers, Helping Babies: Somatic Perinatal Psychotherapy" a book designed to help talk therapists bring somatic tools into their sessions with mothers.
Links:
https://bookshop.org/p/books/helping-mothers-helping-babies-somatic-perinatal-psychotherapy-leslie-ann-costello/22519210?ean=9781739017057&next=t
or order from your local independent bookstore. It is also available at the big online booksellers.
Her blog is free on Substack: https://pamola10.substack.com
Why do I have to talk about it? communication is key to good relationships but does it really require hours of discussion? Let’s dive into how and why talking is helpful and other options if talking is not your strong point.
Find out more about me and my offerings on my website www.pleasureforhealth.com
Desire mismatch. Let’s talk about what happens when two people have different levels of erotic desire. This could be due to personality differences or because of childbirth, illness or some other life event. How can the relationship stay alive and connected during this times? Join Ailsa live to find out more.
How do relationships act as a mirror for us in our own personal development and how do we know when to stand up for our own perspective? Join me for an exploration of the idea of "I", "you" and the "group" and if they can work together to further our journey towards Self.
What is the Sacred Marriage within and more importantly how can we actually embody this? Let’s look at the reality of integrating opposing aspects of ourselves such as the conscious and unconscious parts of our Psyche.
In the beginning was Chaos who birthed Eros, Gaia and other gods and goddesses of the night, dreaming, darkness, the underworld. These qualities are necessary to experience 'Falling in Love' and surrendering to desire and passion. Join me for a discussion of this topic and follow me on Podbean or my website www.pleasureforhealth.com
Join me as I talk about different types of stressors and how they affect our relationships. This model of looking at horizontal and vertical axes in our lives and what we might be bringing unconsciously into our present moment with loved ones is super helpful if you want to find more intimacy and depth.
Co dependency is a pattern often passed on in family systems. We are recognized and acknowledged for only certain parts of ourselves and other parts are ignored or denied. This leads to a discrepancy with who we think we are and the reality of our Shadow aspects which still have power in our lives and relationships. Learning to see and recognize these hidden parts of ourselves by being 'triggered' is actually a necessary vehicle for personal growth.
Presence is the foundation for Intimacy. Join me as we talk about what presence is and how we can cultivate more presence from both ourselves and our loved ones. Being physically present is not enough, when we are fully present with someone we listen deeply, notice subtle emotions and respond with authenticity.
What are the roles of tension and relaxation in our ability to feel and experience pleasure? Join me for a discussion of the roles of both of these aspects and how they can work together to expand our sense of pleasure in both mind and body.
From the perspective of the Celtic Triple Goddess - the Maiden the Mother and the Crone, how do we sense our vitality? Using the lens of our sexuality, our spirituality and our creativity we gain the full spectrum of our own life force. Join me for a discussion and exploration of this framework of Self Development.
to see more of me and my work, check out www.pleasureforhealth.com
Why do we seek to control others or the world around us? Often it stems from a fear or anxiety that is based in our own Psyche but we don't want to deal with it in ourselves so we use the effort of controlling others to try and feel better. This kind of control or manipulation can look like blaming, being critical or shutting others down. If we understand more about ourselves and where these controlling impulses come from, we can be honest and open in relationships. Join me for a discussion on this topic.
find more about me at www.pleasureforhealth.com
Are you tired of constantly putting others' needs before your own, only to feel unappreciated and emotionally drained? Discover how the seemingly harmless habit of people-pleasing can lead to a loss of authenticity, emotional exhaustion, and a blurred sense of self, and learn how to break free from this cycle to reclaim your life and relationships!
We will discuss also how People Pleasing could be a positive attribute when coming from a place of integrity and Care for others.
Aging has profound effects on many aspects of our health and wellbeing. Particularly around our sexuality and relational wellness, aging can be a doorway to profoundly shift our way of being in our body and with our partner/s. Join me for a discussion around erectile dysfunction in all of its various forms.
find more info at www.pleasureforhealth.com
Dr. Tina is a licensed sex and gender feminist psychotherapist, best-selling author, researcher, emeritus Professor and media personality whose expertise spans sex therapy, spiritual intimacy, parenting, medicine and social justice. Join Ailsa and special guest Dr. Tina in this discussion of Shame and how it affects our ability to parent our kids effectively and in a healthy way.
Dr. Tina can be found on Instagram @DrTinaShameless
Her published works include: 'Sex, God and the Conservative Church' and 'Shameless Parenting' available on Amazon and most booksellers.
You can find out more about Ailsa at www.pleasureforhealth.com
Many great Philosopher’s and Sages have wrestled with the concept of desire. But what is it and what purpose does it serve for us as human beings? In all truth I will probably not answer these questions any more fully than they have already been answered but let’s ponder some thoughts and feelings around desire together and see where it leads us.
Find out more on my website www.pleasureforhealth.com
I have been weighing this thought recently that birth control options still give a huge amount of responsibility to the female in a relationship to 'take care' of things so physical intimacy can be enjoyed without risk of pregnancy. Is this actually allowing more freedom to us or does this mean the effects are often landing on only one person to make really difficult choices? Join me for a discussion of the pros and cons and find out more about my work at www.pleasureforhealth.com
Why do Narcissists make me feel so bad?
As humans, we have an innate desire to connect in community; find our pack, so to speak. A major part of this communal experience is the feeling of co-regulation with others. It connects us on this physiological level through our nervous system.
On our own, we have ways to Self regulate if we are stressed that might include taking a deep breath or exercising. Self-regulation is a process of managing one’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviours in response to external and internal stimuli. Co-regulation, on the other hand, is a process where two people work together to manage their emotions. In order to co-regulate successfully, each individual needs to be aware of their own emotions and be able to communicate them with their partner.
Listen in as I discuss why Narcissistic people have trouble with co-regulation and even self-regulation.
As a Bodyworker I have seen many examples of how disease and dysfunction has a deeper meaning to the person however I never put that together with sexual issues with our genitals in the same way, especially with the male genital. Join me for a discussion of the existential meaning of our genitals.
www.pleasureforhealth.com
A couple facing crisis in their relationship, such as separation or divorce, is on an initiatory path. Initiation is simply a set of challenges presented to an individual so that he or she may grow. Consequently, the troubles we encounter in our paths in the modern world are, in essence, initiatory to the extent that each one of them is life changing. The issue for Westerners is not so much the absence of initiation as it is the absence of a community to recognize initiatory passages.
Malidoma Patrice Some
Join me to discuss how relationships can offer us both an opportunity and a witness for initiations in our lives.
Find out more about me at www.pleasureforhealth.com
"Our experience of our own identity is linked to the realization of our own life history. Because the ‘treasure of our memories’ is what makes our lives whole."
R. Steiner
How does this affect our understanding of ourselves and potentially our use and relationship with Artificial intelligence?
How can we spice up our sex lives again?
I wanted to address this topic, because it is one of the most common issues I hear about on a daily basis. We all hear about couples becoming ‘best friends’ or about ‘lesbian bed death’ or how ‘we haven’t had sex in months’, or ‘he/she is just not interested in me anymore’ from our friends, coworkers, on TV. The idea that inevitably our sex lives diminish the longer we stay with someone in a committed relationship, or the older we get, is endemic in our society.
If you thought to yourself ‘that’s not us, we are doing great!’, then congratulations! You are one of the few lucky ones. But if, any part of this idea rings true to you, then listen in!
Of course, this is not a simple problem with a one stop solution, but I thought I’d share a fun idea with you that is easy to try, and might spark a move in the right direction (ie. to the bedroom...or anywhere else you fancy some hot and steamy action!)
Join me to discuss how sharing your fantasies or parts of them can catapult your relationship into hot, new territory.
www.pleasureforhealth.com
touch is a basic human need and its important to understand we can learn about touch - what we like, what we don't like, how to ask for touch or how to say no. What 'touches' you? How could you feed your own touch needs without having an intimate partner. Join me for this discussion and look for more ways to connect with me on my website www.pleasureforhealth.com
Have you ever thought about whether you are a good companion or partner? We often focus so much on the ’other’ that we forget to take into account our own personality. Let’s look at how we can become a better person and partner and therefore attract a great person or people into our life. You can find out more about me on my website www.pleasureforhealth.com
Do you sabotage your relationships? Why do we do this and how does it serve us to do this? maybe most of all, how can we stop sabotaging ourselves and our relationships? Join me for a live discussion on these topics. find out more about me and my work here: www.pleasureforhealth.com
"The tragedy of many people's lives is that they look for self esteem in every direction but within and therefore they fail in their search." The intimacy of connecting with Self and the awareness and honesty we bring to that relationship increases our Self Esteem and we begin to live life and make choices from a place of high self esteem. Join me for a discussion of these topics based on Nathanial Branden's book on Self Esteem.
www.pleasureforhealth.com
Do you get stuck in a loop of 'if this... then that....' ? Does this type of reaction get in the way of you creating a more intimate and conscious relationship with your partner? Join me for a discussion on how we create these response loops and how we can work with them to recreate new ways of being.
www.ailsakeppie.com for more info
Are you interested in exploring Power Play in your intimate relationships but don't know how to begin? Join me here for a candid discussion of the important points to consider when introducing Power Play to your partner and how to make sure it is pleasurable and fun for everyone involved.
See more at www.pleasureforhealth.com for support and education around relationships and intimacy
There are 3 simple steps to transforming your experience of pain or illness and allowing it to bring to consciousness important Self awareness aspects you may have been avoiding or hiding in your subconscious.
These three skills are simple and yet require some dedicated practice in order to reap the benefits of using them. As with any other relationship, the partnership we have with our body has requirements in order to make it a healthy and beneficial one.
1- Listen
2- feel
3- embody
check out my website for more info www.ailsakeppie.com
How does your personal view of reality shape your relationship and your ability to be intimate and connected with someone else? Are we creating an open-minded society or more of a closed society where one reality is the only one. Let's chat about the way we approach relationships and how that is potentially affecting our whole society.
www.pleasureforhealth.com
Do you find that you have retreated into a smaller and smaller box in your thinking and acceptance of alternate views? We have collectively all been through a very stressful time the last couple of years and I have noticed that many of us have become more entrenched in our own viewpoints. Is this fundamentalist phenomenon a response to feeling unsafe and if so how can we move towards collective safety and acceptance again?
Join me to discuss the idea of connection and friendship/ relationship ties. Using the famous story of 'The Little Prince'. Here is a short excerpt from his dialogue with the fox.
What does that mean--'tame'?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. It means to establish ties."
"'To establish ties'?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ."
Going live in a couple of minutes What is relationship abuse? We are currently in a culture of calling people out in a more public way than perhaps a couple of decades ago. Abusive behaviour is not tolerated the way it once was. But do we need to catch up on how to really tell what is abuse and what is just an easier way to blame someone else for our issues? These are important things to consider when beginning a new relationship or evaluating an old one.
Are you more of a one word answer person or do you launch into the complexities of your thought process every time you are asked a question? Why do we communicate the way we do and how does it affect our relationships?
What walls do you put up in order to avoid intimacy? Join me as we talk about the rigid boundaries we create to protect ourselves: anger, fear, silence and words. When we created these rigid blocks or boundaries we are responding in a dysfunctional way to protect our sense of self or reality that we haven't yet learned how to create from within.
Find out more about me at www.ailsakeppie.com
The art of Receiving Pleasure
On first glance this seems like something we hardly need to go into in any depth. I mean who doesn’t want to receive pleasure? How hard can it be?
The answer most of us come to is actually very difficult indeed.
Why?
Because it takes much more vulnerability to open the door and receive a gift than it does to leave a gift on someone else’s doorstep. Many of us become avid givers of gifts in the hope that sometime, somehow we will receive something in return, only to find that when it happens we can’t let it in!
Isn’t that a pretty plight? Something we have dreamed about for ages and we can’t actually get in the mindset to accept it when it happens.
So how do we get in the place to receive a gift?
Join me today to discuss this process and the practice of learning to receive with grace.
What happens when your partner innocently asks you a question like "What do you want me to make you for breakfast?"
Do you respond with your breakfast order and settle comfortably at the table to receive your partner's gift or does the question throw you into a myriad of internal conflict?
Join me for a discussion of the nuances of relating and how questions like this can make or break your relationship.
Find out more about me at www.pleasureforhealth.com
How does power affect relationships? Is power bad? how can we take our power and how do we give away power. Join me for a discussion on this 'power-full' topic.
How do we deal with our own emotions around intimacy and relationships? What do we need to discuss with our partners and what do we need to hold ourselves? Are there other ways to get support around our relational wounds? Join me for a discussion of these topics and questions today.
"We are, both the potentially nicest, and the potentially cruelest, species on the planet." Augustin Fuentes
How will we transform violence and stop it from perpetuating more violence in our hearts, minds, families and communities? Join me for a discussion about violence and the long term effects and how to begin the healing.
www.pleasureforhealth.com
How do we show up to ourselves, our relationships and to our communities these days? Are we abnegating responsibility or are we getting involved and personal with people around us? It's easy to shame and blame others if we don't 'know' them, but how would it be if we chose to encounter even those we don't agree with, with some openness and willingness to engage? These relationship skills are necessary to creating a peaceful way forward in these days of conflict.
What specific challenges face people who are choosing to date again in their mid to late life? Perhaps having been in a long term relationship or single for awhile, it is finally time to reinvest in finding a partner, or companion or erotic playmate. Let's chat about things to consider and ways to move forward with getting back out there in the dating scene.
We have not learned to be present with ourselves yet for the most part and because we live in a world with oppression and exploitation, we often meet conflict in a way that is combative. Let's talk about how to change that narrative and learn to use conflict as a force or change and growth.
We are all going through a stressful and fearful time right now and this is having real, long term effects on our ability to be present and loving in our relationships. Join me for a discussion on how trauma affects our ability to be intimate and also what we can do about it.
What is the difference between the 'fawn' trauma response and flirting? How can we tell the difference in our interactions with others and in our own bodies? Fawning, as a response to feeling unsafe, is the act of excessive people pleasing that can lead us to become involved in abusive relationships patterns.
Inanna in this piece, so the interpretation goes, is not a whole person' until she appears vulnerable before herdarker half', dies, and returns to life. At the poem's end, this interpretation asserts, Inanna, through her descent into darkness, the shedding of the trappings of her former self, confrontation with her `shadow', death of who she was, and final re-birth, is now a complete individual, wholly aware. Join me for a discussion, reading and a practice to glean the lessons from this story that resonate with many of our own inner journey's, even today. This is aimed at women but is completely relevant to any gender.
How do you answer the question, 'what do you want in bed'? Sometimes learning about our arousal and desires takes some work. Join me for a discussion and a guided exercise to discover what turns you on and what doesn't.
Making a choice can be complex. Which part of us is in the driver's seat? What are our motivations and desires? Are we in integrity or do we have conflicting wants? When we take time to explore how we make choices and which part of ourselves is making the choice, we can become aware and really take responsibility for our choices in our relationships.
We can learn everything these days, from building a chicken coop to writing a book, but learning about Sex or Relationships is still a taboo thing. Why would we want to hire a sex coach and how should we value this type of learning?
These days there is much to negotiate in our intimate relationships. We're all still in a state of fight or flight, making us more susceptible to arguments and generally feeling more stressed out which only makes these fights harder to navigate. People are discussing important topics like how to navigate Covid and health related issues, as well as socializing, mask wearing and other important social questions right now. Let's look at this from the lens of consent and how to negotiate a consensual agreement that can work for both parties.
Shame is a self-absorbed, self-centred and isolating experience so how do we show up to our intimate relationships if we hold a lot of shame in our bodies? How can we work to shift this Shame experience that often leads to a fight or flight response because we feel our relational bonds are threatened. If we stay in shame we are profoundly unable to engage in a healthy attachment with people around us.
Find out more about me at www.pleasureforhealth.com
Grieving goes through a cycle: denial, pain, anger, depression, upward turn and working through and finally hope. How does this play out in our intimate relationships and how can we more consciously work with these stages to build more intimacy.
How can we get our nervous system back on track and feeling 'safe enough' to reach out and connect with people again after so much collective stress? Join me for some tips on re-starting your ventral vagal system to find pleasure and contact.
listening is the ability to accurately receive and interpret messages in the communication process. The skill of listening underpins all positive human relationships.
Commitment is a touchy subject for people in new relationships. Let's talk about what we can realistically expect on the commitment front.
Today's podcast for Ask Ailsa will be on the topic of social media. Should you change your social media to reflect a new relationship? Should you remove pictures of ex partners? how do we navigate relationship etiquette in today's world?
Listen in as we explore the topic of intimacy and how it is still possible, even with an STI.
We are often faced with conflict in our relationships - let's talk about how to turn conflict into pathways for growth in our relationships.
Relationships are complicated, complex, sometimes demanding yet remain spaces where amazing experiences happen! So, just how then do we manage support in our relationship structures?
relationships #undermining #awareness #behavior #habit #response #bodylanguage
In light of the pandemic, many people are experiencing levels of loneliness in their relationships that are sometimes difficult to manage. Join Ailsa as she explores this sensitive topic on this episode of the Ask Ailsa Podcast.
Join Ailsa on today's podcast as she explores strategies to build trust in a relationship.
We're always taught to tell the truth, and nothing but the truth. So, for today's podcast, I'll open up a controversial topic about honesty, and the value we place on it.
A controversial and highly-debatable topic, to be sure. Join me on this podcast as I explore what the modern definition of cheating is believed to be, at least by some.
You may associate Valentines Day with St. Valentine, but, many cultures celebrate this day in various ways - from animal sacrifice as a symbol of fertility to the giving of wooden spoons! Tune in as we explore these interesting aspects of Valentine Day.
It's an age-old question? And it's a struggle many face today. How can we maintain friendship status having been lovers? Listen in as we do a deep dive on this most interesting topic.
I On today's episode of the Pleasure for Health podcast, I do deep dive on how much time should we really be spending with our partners, in light of the pandemic, and for when we return to 'normal time'.
Are we afraid of intense emotion?
This question was raised recently in a discussion on how we tend to equate all high emotional states with sex. This seemed to be especially true of men.
Our culture has forbidden men to show much real emotion at all, and quite often this ‘shutting down’ of their emotion, has led men to categorize and box up intense emotional states with the physical act of intimacy.
This box, we put our sexuality into, is then also labelled taboo and shut up inside another box, just like a set of Russian dolls.
No wonder then, that many of us have either too many feelings about sex or lack feelings altogether. We try desperately to separate one from the other, but end up just feeling frustrated or numb.
I’ve been pondering the idea of how we are all connected. Not just in the usual way we might talk about connection in the present time, but connected throughout history.
We have been asked by the indigenous people of this country, to have an awareness of the ancestors, the people that have walked on this land before us, the tribes of indigenous people who lived where today we have built our towns and cities.
How do we honour these people? How do we create relationships or connections with them?
How do you get a black belt in life and why would you want to?
I was sitting in the cafe pondering on my last few years, and since this month, we are dealing with self esteem and how this either makes or breaks our pleasure and our relationships, I decided to write about getting a black belt in life.
Why do we suffer from this crippling feeling of never being good enough? Where does it come from? And more importantly, how do we get rid of it?
Whatever you need to do, divorce the story and marry the truth.
This saying struck me recently as being a great mantra to live by. We make up so many stories, about ourselves, about why we are in the place we are, about what people think of us, about what we are destined to do. Most of us live in our stories all of the time!
Ok guys, this one is for you.
Let me tell you a little story and you see if it sounds like something you have experienced.
It’s your wife’s birthday (sub in ‘girlfriend’, ‘partner’ if needed ) and you, thinking you are ahead of the game, smugly ask a week or so in advance, what she’d like as a present. Score one for you right? You’re on the ball, you are thinking of her, you are asking what she likes. What could go wrong?
I recently had a friend who has been blessed with pretty great physical health for most of his life; a couple of small day surgeries, a minor motorcycle incident, a bit of a struggle with keeping a healthy weight and exercising regularly, but overall, in pretty good shape; ‘suddenly’ struck down with severe pain. He couldn’t remember doing anything to cause this sudden onset, and he was pretty shaken with how much of life became intolerable, due to this pain.
I see this happen, again and again, in my practice, people who have never had an issue physically, suddenly get sick, or experience pain, and they don’t know what to do. It’s as if they have been living with a body all these years but never paid attention to it.
Sound like a familiar relationship pattern?
How many of you dreamed of being Cinderella when you were little? Come on, admit it...you secretly dressed up in your prettiest party outfit with a crown made from your Mom’s brooch or something like that. You danced your way around the living room, sashaying and curtsying to an imaginary court. The ultimate goal of the entire story was to attract the handsome Prince and then live happily ever after in wedded bliss.
A passion of mine is to work towards true equality and understanding between people of different gender, sexuality, race, financial means, ability. This may seem like a big dream, and it is, but it is also possible if we change a few beliefs. Our culture is built on inequality, and competition feeds the feeling that only one side can win, and if you’re not winning then you are losing.
I wanted to touch on something that really stuck in my mind from recent teachings...
“There is often more difference between people’s genitals that are the same gender than there are between people of different genders.”
So what does that mean? Well, to put it simply, it means we are all different. No surprise there in our heads, but then, Why do we insist on ‘teaching’ about sex, as if we are all the same?
I have decided to take the month of April and describe a little bit of my journey as I begin my advanced training in Somatic Sex Education. After my first week of exploring gender, I peeked ahead to look at our next assignment. My first thought was.... AWESOME!
The task was to make time for four personal erotic exploration sessions within a week.
Best homework ever, right?
My body was excited, I was excited. It was permission to spend time pleasuring myself! I’m really not sure why I needed permission, but it felt fun and liberating to have it ‘assigned’ as homework.
Then I looked at my schedule for the coming week. (For those of you who don’t know me personally, I’m kind of a workaholic. Plus I singlehandedly nurture and support four young women, my daughters). This was going to be impossible!!
Fortunately, my stubbornness kicked in at this point, and I began to secretly plan all the moments that I could get away on my own, or at least think my own thoughts, in the coming week. I blocked off an hour at work here, I carved out a half hour there. I was determined to get my four sessions in! I decided my intention could be to explore how to make time for my sexual self, as a busy, single, working mom.
The first time slot came, I had just managed to get two kids off to school, and a third off to work. The oldest had gone back to her apartment for the week. I had an hour before I had to leave for work. Perfect!
I finished the last dregs of coffee, left the dirty dishes on the counter, and ran downstairs to my room. I could feel my excitement mounting with the thought of what was to come. I found a recording of Rumi poetry I had decided to listen to as I love the idea of spirituality and sexuality coming together. I stripped off and climbed under the covers as it was kind of chilly. Ahhh.... nice.
Then, my phone beeped a text message. Ugh, I picked it up, wondering who DARED to interrupt my precious alone time. It was the landlord, saying he would be over in 10 minutes to look at the furnace.
Ten minutes!! That was not long. I was disappointed that my first session was to be curtailed already, but I was far enough along that I decided to complete my ‘exploration’. I can’t say that there wasn’t some added intensity, knowing that I could be interrupted by the landlord at any minute.
I pulled on my clothes and slightly out of breath ran up to answer the door a few seconds later. I had to chuckle inside at the way the universe had such a twisted sense of humour. Was it too much to ask, for a brief time to enjoy myself? I shook my head, and carried on with my day. I did feel a low-level buzz from the whole thing, which was kind of cool in its own way. And hey, this is the reality of modern-day life!
The rest of my week was not much better. Although after learning from my first escapade, I booked an entire morning off work one day and made up for lost time. It was extremely hard to fit in four sessions in a week, even for me, a dedicated sexual enthusiast! I did, at least, have direct experience of how our sex lives can be derailed so easily. Without commitment and perseverance and a good sense of humour, life can get in the way for all of us.
And this, I decided laughingly, was my lesson for week two. Making time for sex and pleasure takes making it a priority!
So, you know what to do (wink) Prioritize!
With pleasure,
Ailsa
For a start, this field, as a profession, is relatively new. The importance of somatic or bodywork training in conjunction with traditional sex therapy or coaching has only recently begun to be explored. As well, the idea that sex therapy could be something positive, something other than the old paradigm of ‘sexual dysfunctions’ and ‘problems’ is a modern idea. What if we just want to explore our own unique desire map? Or how to feel more pleasure with our partners. What if we want the connection to our own body before we are ready to connect physically with others? Where do these questions fit in our model of Sex therapy?
Empowerment! I know that’s a word that gets thrown around a lot these days, and even I, roll my eyes when I see another slogan with the message of ‘empower yourself’ written blithely on a landing page for another coaching course. So, here’s the thing, empowerment is possible. It isn’t something you always get in ‘three easy steps’, but it is possible to live into, in your body. I’ll tell you how I found this out for myself.
I am a bodyworker. Every day I work with people’s relationships to their body. It constantly amazes me how disconnected most of us have become, from our ‘physicalness’. When was the last time you really connected with your earlobe? Or more practically, when was the last time you really sent gratitude to your feet for carrying you around all day? When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel?
So I have spent the last week or two having some really great talks with my guy friends, and to say its been eye-opening is an understatement! I have been blown away by the openness, the caring, and the vulnerability I have witnessed in men. I also see how confused and helpless they feel in the shifting social culture of our times, characterized by the media #metoo campaign.
I hear this from so many men, this desire to please their female partners. Often they laugh and say they wish there was a manual that went with the woman. I mean women are complex, right? We are notoriously hard to read, and we seem to have a penchant for changing our minds right when things are going well. I mean what is a guy to do?
So this week I thought I’d give a taste of what is possible when you expand your ideas around play in the bedroom. Maybe you feel like you’ve gotten in a rut, performing the same few things with the same partner, and finding yourself becoming bored with the predictability. You may find yourself sighing and wishing things were more exciting, or worse, blaming your partner for not being more ‘romantic’.
One of my first clients was a woman in her 70’s who, after talking to me, wanted to know where things were down there. She had been raised in a strict Catholic setting, and although she had been married and borne a child, she had divorced several years later, and had never really thought about her nether parts since then.
Modern-day relationships require skills, and skills require practice. Join me for a quick exercise that you could try with your current partner/s or friends.
t is fast approaching the holiday season and I felt inspired to write a blog on the art of giving and receiving, since we can get caught up in the frenzy of this, and lose our perspective.
Tony was a man in his late 40’s, successful by outward appearance, but on the inside feeling that he had somehow failed at life.
Somewhere, somehow, the idea got lodged in our psyche that to be a goddess we had to be perfect, or at least better than human. We had to look beautiful, radiate energy, smile always, dance and move like we are 20 years old. We could never be angry, frustrated, bored or tired. Being a goddess didn’t include... listen for more...
Join Ailsa, and her partner Declan, as they discuss the allusions to sex that exist in our society today, and the reluctance people have to talk about it!