Mamatoto Radio: Recent Episodes
Hanna Schaer
Mamatoto Radio is brought to you by the founder of Mamatoto.info Hanna Schaer. We talk all things motherhood, sharing stories and talking to professionals who work with mothers through pregnancy, birth and postpartum. Follow us on social media @mamatoto.info and visit our website www.mamatoto.info
Learning to follow instructions. I know what it sounds like, I can hear it too, but stay with me and hear me out. If we do not teach our kids to know how to follow instructions, all the things they do in life will be harder than they need to be.
As parents we are leaders in our family, and whether we are good or bad leaders, we are the people the smaller people in our group follow, and playing that role comes with a lot of responsibility as we all know. Let's talk a little bit about what choices we have and how they might play out today on Mamatoto Radio.
Generosity is a very close relative of empathy, I will explain why. When I think of generosity I think of being open to sharing what you have. Whether that is material things, your time, your attention, your affection, or your empathy. My grandmother always said that when people were over and it was meal time, you share what you have between everyone. I think that sounds like a kind and generous thing to do. I also think it’s an expression of abundance rather than scarcity. When we share there is more. We is greater than me. It’s no coincidence I choose to talk about generosity during a pandemic.
Before the pandemic happened I think most of us thought of dolphins when we said pod. Or EarPods maybe. Now our pods are the people we include in our safe zone, the people we pod with are an extension of our family.
It seems that the pandemic has really been a way to reveal who we really are. Do we care about others? Do we listen to science? Do we put our wants before other people’s safety? Can we follow instructions?
You know the saying it takes a village to raise a child? Today I wanted to take a moment and think about that village, that community and how we can intentionally build that community around our kids until they are old enough to build their own.
I imagine we think we are doing our kids a favor shielding them from controversy, but are we really?
Gifts have always had a bot precious and a conflicted place in my mind. There can be different intentions, purposes and outcomes of gift giving and receiving. I thought we would unpack some of it here today. I guess pun intended?
When I say I think creativity is a super power I mean it. It’s the foundation of problem solving, of innovation, of communication and any kind of artistic expression. And what better and safer way to nurture and encourage it than at home, and what better format to experiment in than in building and making stuff. It’s low risk, easy access and huge potential benefits.
During the past year, it’s almost a year now, we have been sheltering at home and our kids have been doing distance learning for their school. One of the most anchoring and grounding parts of our routine, and what has kept us happy and sane during this time is how we incorporate creativity into our home and day to day lives.
Have you every thought about the different cycles of routines you have? The things you do every day, the things you do every week, every month, every year? I thought we could think a little bit about what parts of your routines you love and what you would like to change, how it will benefit and ripple into your family.
Distance, or home learning is a great opportunity to use and foster creativity in our kids. Today I share some of the ways we nurture a creative mindset in our kids, while learning from home.
How can making space and time for creative projects help you get things done and increase your overall creativity? Listen to today's episode to find out :)
Recently I was talking to my daughter about values. She has some kids in her class with very questionable values, and she said, “well, they get it from their parents.” And I think for the most part that might be true. Then she asked me “mom, you have really different values from your parents and siblings, so I guess it’s not always true.” And she is right again. But I had to work really hard to break a lot of the patterns from my own childhood in order to raise my family with the intention that I value.
The million dollar question is how, then, isn’t it? It’s not complicated, but it’s not easy. It takes a lot of work and it doesn’t happen in one go.
I want to ask you a question, and I would like for you to answer it to yourself and really think about it. When you became a parent, did you have an idea of what you wanted your kids to be like. What they would like, how they would be, what you would do.
I think most of us have some kind of fantasy or dream about who our kids are and who we are as parents and I think the relationship we have with our kids depends a lot on how flexible that idea of a person is.
Do you know who I have learned a lot from this year? Homeschoolers. Honestly, I have learned a lot about education this year, some that in encouraging and good, and some that makes me a bit worried for our kids and makes me rethink my own opinions of and relationship to education the way we do it right now.
We have been learning from home since the middle of February, we saw the virus come here in France early and our kids were learning from home before we had the lockdown in the spring. I love how my homeschooling friends rose to the occasion and started being supportive and guide us newbies on our journey. There were a few things that I learned.
Do you know who I have learned a lot from this year? Homeschoolers. Honestly, I have learned a lot about education this year, some that in encouraging and good, and some that makes me a bit worried for our kids and makes me rethink my own opinions of and relationship to education the way we do it right now.
We have been learning from home since the middle of February, we saw the virus come here in France early and our kids were learning from home before we had the lockdown in the spring. I love how my homeschooling friends rose to the occasion and started being supportive and guide us newbies on our journey. There were a few things that I learned.
Teaching our kids to say and hear no is the foundation for teaching them consent. When no is no longer aggressive and confrontational to us we can use it as part of our structure of integrity, and teach our kids to do the same.
When I was doing my certification for becoming a safeguarding officer I learned a lot about abuse and neglect. Levels of it that you don’t want to imagine. We mostly think of the most extreme cases being physical neglect, not providing enough or good food, not having clean or fitting clothes, not taking care of hygiene or having a warm home with running water and electricity. But there is another kind of neglect that I wanted to talk about today.
If we are bullies it is much more likely that our kids will be bullies.
As I was writing the notes to this episode something reminded me of another in person experience that both rattled me and showed exactly how the energy moves from parent to child. A mom in my daughter’s class is a real bully. She has a little group of other mean girl mom friends and they spare no vitriol when interacting with other parents. She is unkind, mean, aggressive and judgmental. And then I remembered a time this past summer when the girls told me that her son was being a jerk in a chat, calling the girls feminist sluts, saying white power, white lives matter and all kinds of hateful and racist, sexist bullshit. And I realized, it all comes from his mom. And maybe his dad. I can see them fitted into the illustration of the mom’s hatred going right through him. It’s like a cycle that feeds itself.
The pandemic has revealed so much of the flaws in our systems that most of us probably didn’t know were there. Like for example, How much of school is babysitting?
Join our Creative Kids Club at www.mamatoto.info/kidsclub
This topic might be controversial, it definitely goes against traditional parenting. Do you know things you don't like without trying them? I know I do. I know things don't go with me without trying them. Why is it any different with our kids? How can we teach consent and integrity and then ask them to break it?
Like with any skill we learn and master, independence and autonomy is taught in bite sized lessons from when our kids are really small. How can you break down the steps to teach your kids the things they need to safely move in the world on their own?
I don't like the word fail, I prefer to see it as learning. The truth is that we need to learn how to handle disappointment and turn a supposed failure into a moment of learning. How can we support our kids on their journey? How can we create a safe environment for them to learn?
Were you told to stop doodling in school? I was, and it turns out that they were wrong. Doodling while listening and learning helps us and our kids retain and process information more efficiently. How can you incorporate this information into your parenting?
I recently read love defined as radical acceptance and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.
What skills are going to be most valuable for our kids in the future? It looks like creativity, critical thinking and collaboration are things worth focusing on in our kids. How do you mix teaching these skills into your parenting?
How has going slower and deeper during this time at home taught us more empathy and consideration for others? For some of us it has, for some of us it hasn't. This is a little rant about yet another elusive silver lining of shelter in place.
What are our kids really saying when they are having arguments or meltdowns that seem irrational from a grown up's perspective?
When we were little, my brother and sister and I bought a pony over the phone when our parents were out of town. This needs a little bit of context. It makes us seem a little less crazy. Not a lot but a little less.There are so many things to unpack in this story.
It feels like one of those eighties movies where the kids grew up on their bikes and came home when it got dark kind of thing. It probably was. Or like a cartoon where the grown up people are just legs with voices that make noise. Our parents were away, and I have no memory of who was watching us. If someone was. I bet someone was, just not well.
My daughter has always been feisty, and it is thanks to my amazing midwife Tekoa that I had the guidance to mother her without taking out the flame.
Today Tanel joins me on the podcast to talk gentle and peaceful parenting. Tanel is a parenting coach from Estonia and he shares his stories of raising independent, confident, bilingual kids living a nomadic life out of a camper van. I am so excited to share this conversation with you :)
What happens when our kids see us in our work roles for the first time, like they have now that every day is bring your kids to work day? What do they learn? How does it change their view of who we are?
When we meditate, even if, or maybe especially when we don't feel like it, something happens in our bodies and minds. Follow me on my mini rant :)
What are your rules and values around kids on social media? What can you learn from them and how can you guide them?
How do we make memories? How can we influence and help our kids remember the things we do with them? We go through a few different things you can use as techniques for creating memories, and why it's important.
Let's talk a little about why it's so important for our kids to build forts?
Their fort is an expression of creativity, they build it with their blankets, pillows, sheets and it’s a dark hole they can crawl into that is their space, a little safe haven. It's their inbetween space. What kind of forts do your kids build?
Nick Cho, also known as "Your Korean Dad" on TikTok is my guest this week.
We talk about raising teenagers, him being a Korean Mr. Rogers and parenting through building and maintaining trust.
I am so thankful that Nick wanted to share his parenting wisdom with us. Find him on TikTok and IG as @nickcho_
Everything we practice becomes a more integrated part of our lives, gratitude is no exception. Join me and flex your gratitude muscles.
This week Sarah Sproule joins me to talk parenting. Sarah is a sex educator, if you want support talking to your kids about sex, Sarah is your go to. You find her on IG as @IamSarahSproule
Sarah shares some really personal and profound stories of motherhood, I am so excited that we get to share her wisdom and experience.
We are looking at a summer mostly without camps. What happens when our usual points of connection have changed? Listen to me mini rant about safeguarding our kids, appreciating this time and shifting our mindset.
This week Jane Harbison visits the podcast. She is the founder of dreamingbigforlittlegirls.com where she guides and supports tween and teen girls in the creative process.
We talk about kids and creativity, about kids learning responsibility and safety and lots more. I am so thankful for Jane's stories.
This week Jane Harbison visits the podcast. She is the founder of dreamingbigforlittlegirls.com where she guides and supports tween and teen girls in the creative process.
We talk about kids and creativity, about kids learning responsibility and safety and lots more. I am so thankful for Jane's stories.
Lockdown, social distancing, however the pandemic has affected you, there are a lot of things to be thankful for and a lot of lessons to keep if you choose to. This is me ranting about a few of them :)
This week Katrina Oakley from Core Fitness for Moms visits the podcast. We talk about a lot of things like our kids teeth, body image, kids and social media, kids and tech and distance learning, and of course, Katrina's super power, distasis recti and pelvic floor.
Katrina is the founder of Core Fitness for Moms where she helps women with distasis recti get their core and pelvic floor back in shape.
Visit her website here: https://www.katrinaoakley.com/corefitnessformoms
And her facebook group here: https://www.facebook.com/CoreFitnessForMoms/
Today I wanted to start a conversation that I wish I would have had the courage to start a long time ago. I didn't feel ready, and I still don't feel ready, but it's time. I am thankful for you and our amazing community, and this my friends is the first step in an ongoing conversation.
Nikki McArthur is a mother of five, an author and an activist. We met when we were protesting the burkini ban in France a few years ago. Her new book "What have we got Toulouse: A family moving to France" is available where you buy books, she tells the story of her family moving to France, all the ups, downs and twists.
In the podcast this week she tells the story of when her son Ryan had a liver transplant after a scary liver failure that they still don't know the cause of. We talk about having babies in the UK and in France and we talk about raising activist kids.
I this episode I talk about subtle shifts in our daily and weekly routines and how they serve us.
This episode is brought to you by Kids Club, the safe, nurturing and creative space for your kids online. Get on the waitlist to join at www.mamatoto.info/kidsclub
Jason Crandell is not only a well known yoga teacher, he is the yoga teacher of the yoga teachers. He visits us today to talk parenting. I can't even begin to tell you how thankful and excited I am to share this with you.
We recorded this episode in late 2019, before the world went into chaos, I intended it to start off our new season in early February, but we all know what happened there.
Jason and his wife Andrea have a wonderful yoga podcast called Yogaland, you should definitely check it out :)
Today I thought we could talk a little bit about little kids and social distancing. Recently when France started planning to reopen schools with social distancing in place we got some directives and some idea of what that kind of school would look like, and I will be honest with you, I was horrified. And, I don’t think it would work. If you have ever seen kids under ten interact, you know why. Let’s talk about why it horrified me and why I just don’t think it would work, and after we finish, I would love to hear from you.
Season 2 of Mamatoto Radio is here :)
Months later than anticipated, we are back to talk about Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting in the time of Covid 19.
Have a listen, tell me how you are doing, subscribe and share with your friends, and most of all, stay safe.
Tomorrow we start a new year, and a new decade. And my middle son Jakob turns 11. It's a big day :)
In our New Year episode, I share with you Jakob's birth story, that we tell every year on his birthday. It's one of our traditions.
Thank you everyone in the Mamatoto family for your support in 2019, I can't wait to see you in 2020 :)
Today is when we celebrate Christmas where I am from :)
The past few months have brought some difficult things in the world of my kids, and I share how I have used some Radical Parenting ideas and techniques to navigate them.
And I tell you about the free parenting workshop that starts on January 2 :)
All of Mamatoto wishes you the best holidays :)
You know what drives me crazy?
Numbing is what. I will tell you why.
If we don’t know each other yet, I am Hanna, founder of Mamatoto.
I’m really happy you are here :)
Why does numbing drive me nuts, and what do I mean?
You know when parents roll their eyes when there is a difficult moment with their kids and say something to the effect “Mommy needs wine” and other parents nod and smile, click like and maybe even share. Whether in real life or on social media. Same same.
We get it, parenting is hard, let’s all drink, ignore the actual issue and make fun.
For me, this is problematic on several levels.
First I am going to be a super bummer and many of you guys who like to have a drink or two or five and don’t want anyone to challenge you on that will probably stop watching this video right now.
Still here, great, I will tell you something serious, and then I will encourage you to consider drinking or however you choose to numb yourself in a way that doesn’t harm you or the people around you. Especially your kids.
I am not here to tell you not to drink. I am asking you, as a kid who grew up around addiction and have seen all its ugly sides, to rethink how and why you drink.
And to never, ever in a million years blame parenting or your kids for your drinking.
When something is hard, in parenting that can be a lot of things, the way to solve it is not around, it’s through.
Your kid is anxious about something at school? Approach it from all sides, find out what is different, how you can adjust it and support them. The easy thing is to get low key angry, irritated and tell them to stop, in one way or another. And then say “mommy needs wine” get nods of approval and think you are on the right parenting track.
I can assure you that you are not.
Whatever the thing that makes you need a drink is, turning away from it does two things:
It makes your kid feel less heard, more invisible.
It creates a rift between you. You can guess what happens with time.
How can you drink in a positive way?
Think of it like this: Mommy doesn’t need a drink, Mommy wants to have a drink with a friend/partner/in the bath with a good book.
Not as a punishment to the people around her.
Not as a punishment to herself. Don’t ever do that. Let that shit go. Seriously.
Not to compensate for some other crap going on.
Kids do what you do, not what you say. What are you modeling to them?
I would love for you to think about the reasons you use whatever you use to numb yourself and how it affects you and the people around you.
I did, and it was a big moment of self reflection for me, and I chose a path I wouldn’t have thought was right for me, but that now feels like exactly where I needed to go. Wanna know what it is? Let me know and I might tell you :)
Darren is a San Francisco based yoga teacher and author. He leads the weekly yoga class in Grace Cathedral for hundreds of yogis and he has written many books on yoga and meditation.
This week he shares his story of being a single dad to his son, what he wants for his son and when he knew he wanted to be a parent.
Talking to Darren made me feel so happy, he is just an extraordinary person and I am so happy he wanted to join me on the podcast.
To learn more about him go to www.darrenmain.com
I am going to share something really personal with you today. Something that has been a red thread through all the things I have done and that I haven’t talked about in public before.
For those of you who don’t know me, I am Hanna, founder of Mamatoto.
When I was growing up there were things that were regular and things that weren’t. I will tell you one of the not so regular things today. When I was in the first years of primary school I didn’t have a lot of friends. I had the kids on my street that I played with, but at school I was bullied, and in the little village I lived in there wasn’t the knowledge or know how of how to deal with bullies, so how they dealt with it was that they didn’t. At age nine I changed schools, I had to ride with my dad to the city and go to a school there, and things got a lot better.
But I didn’t quite know how to connect. Being in a school that didn’t accept the kind of bullying I had gotten used to was amazing, but I was pretty hurt, and I didn’t know how to get close to people, or let them close to me. And it was going to be years until I did.
Fast forward though many moves, relationships and transitions to when I was getting my MFA at San Francisco Art Institute and I was writing my thesis paper and my artist statement.
I was trying to get to the core of what my work was about, what really mattered to me, what my journey was about.
And that’s when I realized what it was all about for me. Relationships and connection.
How things relate and how things connect.
From micro to macro.
And I started to understand and appreciate the importance of friendship, of community, of belonging.
And I saw that my entire life, that is what I have been searching for, and as soon as that part of the puzzle fell into place, I could consciously incorporate it into my life and into my work.
I met a midwife many years ago, Yeshi, who told me that in communities where mothers aren’t as isolated as we tend to be in modern more urban spaces you see much less postpartum depression. I don’t know the numbers on this but I believe it.
We are social creatures, and if we don’t know how to connect we can’t teach our kids how to, and if we don’t have the relationships we need in our lives it impacts our health and wellbeing, and of course, our happiness.
And in turn, that affects our kids. See how it ripples?
So my life is a quest for connection, and I would love to connect with you.
I have this amazing community and I would love for you to be part of it. Will I see you there?
Nothing could prepare me for the shock of seeing a picture of myself and my beautiful little baby a few days after she was born. My belly was a beast on its own, spreading, sprawling, floating all over the place. You know what I felt? I felt like a few days ago people were in awe of my big round beautiful belly, I felt validated. Now I was just fat and the race was on to get back into my pre pregnancy body, into shape, into better shape than ever.
All these words twirling around, six pack, abs, get back into jeans, bla bla bla.
How do you think about the ways you know how to deal with stuff, how you know what to do and what to try in different situations? I think of it as a toolbox, and all the things I know are my tools and as I get better at using them I can adjust them to different situations.
It’s not just in parenting, but because part of my work is helping parents have a closer and better relationship with their kids, that’s what we will talk about here.
I often hear, and get the feeling that many parents think they are supposed to just know how to parent. Alternatively many go on auto pilot and do pretty much what their parents did, more or less.
Most people can be wonderful parents, and to parent with intention there are some tools you will want to have in your tool box and as you get more and more confident in using them, you will be able to combine them and use them across topics effortlessly.
In this short video I want to tell you some functions I think your parenting tools should be able to do.
First, as a centered and intentional parent, you will want to have some tools to take care of yourself. You want to have ways to wind down, energize, focus and nurture. It can be exercises, activities, rituals or even food. You will probably use a combination of things and do them regularly. I often talk about the importance of putting on your own mask before helping others, like in a plane, and having self care tools is for that exactly.
The same or similar tools you use to take care of yourself are then of course used for your kids. Knowing how to soothe, wind down, energize, support, listen to, encourage, nourish and keep safe. All these areas branch off into many tools, both for gross mechanics and fine tuning. And when you learn to compose with them is when you get really close to your kids.
You will want to have refined tools to listen and hold space for your kids, so that they have the environment to learn and experiment and figure things out.
And you will want to have as many ways as you possibly can have to express love. Whether it’s with words, food or actions and everything in-between.
In The Nest you will develop super sharp parenting tools to use in all kinds of situations. Have you joined the waitlist yet?
go to www.mamatoto.info/thenest to get on the list.
Talking parenting with Jeremiah is such a treat. We talk about breaking patterns, how to show up and how to model for our kids what we want them to learn.
Jeremiah is an amazing artist and dad, I am so happy he wanted to be on the podcast.
Find him on Instagram: @jeremiahjenkinsart
You know what I think? I think there is so much more judgement than necessary when it comes to parenting, and I bet a lot of it is from insecurity.
If we haven’t met, I am Hanna, founder of Mamatoto and The Nest. I am so happy we found each other :)
Have you ever found yourself judging another parent? I have, and I bet if you are honest with yourself you have too.
When I was a new mom I lived in San Francisco, and back then there was a city wide yahoo group of moms that scared me shitless. I guess the purpose of the group was to support, but the tone and the language when talking about all kinds of stuff was anything but kind and definitely not supportive. The lack of empathy and generosity in having an even slightly different approach to parenting than whatever the mom police had decided was right was super intimidating to me and it made me feel isolated and afraid to ask questions or share experiences. It left people so tightly wound and our of proportion paranoid that I saw moms seriously anxious about having fed their child a cheerios type with slightly more sugar than another kind, or moms giving shade to others (me) for giving my kid raisins for a snack. I always felt like I was being watched and judged and like there was no way I could even be close to being a good enough mom.
I teach parents how to be empathic to their kids, and how to teach their kids empathy. I help them step into the other person’s shoes and realize that they are probably doing their best in every moment and that giving space and being generous will help them shine. Nobody ever had their most shining moment after being or feeling judged.
In that yahoo group, there were so many spirals of judgement, I am guessing the internal dialogues were laced with insecurity and resentment. I am guessing there were feelings of being inadequate, of not being enough. I am guessing these feelings ended up expressing a lack of empathy, which lead to a lack of support, and a projection of judgement.
So I am suggesting we stop that. We look over our internal dialogue. We look over how we talk to ourselves. Then we slow down, take a breath and listen to others, without an agenda or judgement. What do you think would happen? Would we have a kinder community? Would we actually be and feel supported? Would our kids see and copy our empathy? How far do you think the ripple would reach?
Have you ever found yourself in a twisted competition with another parent about whose kid reaches the milestones first?
I would like to ask you a question, how do you show up for yourself? Do you take good enough care of yourself or are you always taking care of others?
If we don’t know each other yet, I am Hanna, founder of Mamatoto and the parenting community The Nest. I am so happy we found each other :)
I talk to parents a lot about relating to their kids, how to raise awesome kids and how to be and stay connected to them.
And you know what one of the first things to do is? To begin at the beginning, you have to start with you. You know when you are on a plane and they go through security protocol. When they tell you how to operate the oxygen mask they tell you to put on your mask before helping others. It’s exactly that that I want to talk to you about today.
For many people when we start talking about self care, of taking care of ourselves they think in big bold statements, aspirational maybe and often so monumental that it never happens. Self care doesn’t have to be a weekend, or even a day at a spa. It can be ten minutes every morning sitting quietly with your breath.
It doesn’t have to be a girls weekend at some exotic location, it certainly can be, but it can also be going for a run.
You get the gist.
Here is what I do, I make sure that I do something for my physical and my mental health every day. Most days I go for a walk or run and do yoga. That is what I like and what works for me. And some days, I get up a little earlier and sit and read before my kids wake up. I take a little time like that to do something that I like that makes me feel good.
I actually had this conversation with my littlest one recently. He was having a hard time and I asked him what was going on and he said “I don’t know, I am just feeling frustrated.” So I sat with him and said, that’s ok, sometimes we feel like that. And I taught him to take it slow and to do one thing after the other that feels good, to get out of that funk. So he, who is six years old by the way, learned the skill to when he feels frustrated, slow down and take more care. So that’s my gift to you today, permission to slow down, to incorporate things that make you feel good and that nourish you into your day to day life and on shitty days, a little more.
Daniel was one of my professors in grad school in San Francisco. His lectures were part of my day to day during my first pregnancy and my first years of motherhood, he had a bigger impact on how I parent, who I am as a mother, than most books or guides I had at the time. I am so thankful that he wanted to come on the podcast and talk parenting with me, I hope he will help you shift your mind like he does mine.
To find out more about Daniel and his work, go to www.joyfulcomplexity.com
You know what drives me crazy?
Dismissing our kids is what. I will tell you why.
If we don’t know each other yet, I am Hanna, founder of Mamatoto.
I’m really happy you are here :)
Maybe dismissing isn’t the right word.
What I am talking about is when you say that your kid is two years old, or fifteen years old for example and people immediately go to “oh, the terrible twos” or, “the nightmare of parenting a teenager”.
You know what I think? I think it’s fucking rude. And I think grouping together kids into over simplified ways to dismiss what the developmental part of growing up they are in as problematic is problematic in itself.
I know, it’s super fun making fun of toddlers. Making videos of them losing their shit over having the wrong spoon. Super fun.
I fully acknowledge the support the parents need during the more intense parts of parenting, that’s why I am here, that’s what I do, it’s my work, but I would encourage you to think about this:
Would you like some of the more difficult moments, where you don’t even know why you are feeling the way you are, but you most definitely are, made fun of and trivialized? I definitely wouldn’t.
I have times when I get like that around my period or in certain parts of moon and earth cycles. I don’t know why, I just know that, and I definitely do not feel any better, nor does it change anything for me when it’s made fun or described in a way that makes the describer look funny and witty.
It’s like that for our kids too.
I’m not talking about not feeling defeated and struggling at times. We all do.
I am talking about empathy, for our kids in those moments.
And you might think that maybe I don’t know what I am talking about because my kids are always so easy. I can assure you they are not. But I know that when they are acting in a way that is difficult for me, it’s even harder for them.
When one of my kids was having hour long kicking and screaming tantrums, every day, for a long time, was it hard for me? 100% yes. It was super hard. I had to do all the off the mat yoga, and some on. I would sweat, get short of breath, it was so hard. There were moments I didn’t want to participate in things worried that my toddler would erupt. Did I search support from professionals and my friends? You bet I did. Did I make fun of my kid? No. I didn’t have that level of entitlement. I saw their struggle, and mine. They are not mutually exclusive.
So the next time you feel like making fun, check your tone. Check your message. Think of how it would make you feel if someone talked about you like that. It’s basic empathy, not even advanced.
You can do it, I know you can.
Have you ever been in a situation when your kid is acting out, doing something you know they know they are not supposed to do, saying things they are not supposed to say, you know what I’m talking about, and you feel completely embarrassed in front of whomever gets the pleasure of watching? Say you are talking to another parent and a kid and yours says something just rude and won’t let up, just keeps the rudeness going. That kind of thing.
What do you feel in that moment?
One of the most important thing for me is kindness. I am one of those people who thinks of a goal and then do whatever it takes to get to that. Same with kindness.
If we don’t know each other, I am Hanna from Mamatoto and I am super psyched that we found each other :)
I don’t think we all need and have the same kind of ways to show and receive affection. We all have our own love language, right? We all have different ways to express and understand things like love and kindness.
I think about this a lot, because the most important thing in my life, for me is to be a great mom, to my kids. Then it’s important for me to be a good partner and a great friend. Social connections and relationships are the most important things for me, no question.
You might have heard me say it before :)
My three kids are really different personalities. If you are into enneagrams at all, they are all different ones and they need to be shown and taught kindness in slightly different ways .
In our house, being kind comes first.
For example, if there is a new kid in school, and there is often, we live in a very transient place, we talk about how you make them feel welcome and safe in their new place. So the focus is not on what we do, but on how they feel, and when thinking about making someone feel a certain way we have the awesome opportunity to not only think of different ways to be kind, but it’s a great opportunity to depend your capacity for empathy, to put yourself in someone else’s shoes.
So you might think that kindness means being a pushover or not having integrity, and I can assure you that it does not. Kindness and integrity are great companions, because integrity is being kind to yourself, establishing and maintaining your boundaries. Kindness isn’t being selfless all the time, it’s considering the other person’s feelings and practicing empathy.
When a new kid comes to school, our rule is, you do not have to be best friends, but you always always have to be kind. And imagine how they feel and then make sure you are not leaving anyone feeling sad or hurt from something you did. To always be intentional. And to apologize when you inevitably fuck up. And listen.
So one of the core values of the Schaer family is kindness, and the same goes for our company. One of the core values of Mamatoto is kindness. It’s in all the things we do, no product or program reaches the public without having gone through the kindness filter.
I have a super friendly and kind community and I would love for you to join me. Join me in The Nest at www.mamatoto.info/thenest and get all the instructions to be part of our community in all our secret nooks and crannies.
Thank you for spending time with me, I will see you next time :)
This episode is brought to you by The Nest, the online parenting community for parents who want to raise kids that don’t suck. Go to mamatoto.info/thenest and get on the waitlist.
I have something I would like to share with you today :)
It’s a story about community, disappointment and learning new things that you can apply all over your life where you see it fit.
Here it goes.
When I had my first baby, fourteen or so years ago, I was part of a yoga community in San Francisco. I had been doing prenatal yoga through my pregnancy where I had met other moms, and I had finally graduated to the postpartum classes when my baby was six weeks old.
I was excited.
My expectations were high.
I was finally going to start getting back into shape.
I was going to get my body back.
I was going to be that strong mom who did yoga with a smiling baby gazing at me as the pregnancy weight melted off me from all the zen and joy filled yoga and breastfeeding.
So that didn’t happen.
We get to the class, and my baby is not having it.
She wants to be held and nursed the whole time.
It wasn’t blissful.
I didn’t feel strong.
I felt frustrated, angry, disappointed and like a failure.
I didn’t get to do yoga.
I sat most of the class propped up agains the wall, sweating, crying and nursing my baby.
My first postpartum yoga class was nothing like what I had expected.
Then she appeared.
When we were wrapping up, the others were putting away their props, I was still sitting there holding my baby, sweating and crying quietly.
This mom, who I thought was the wisest and kindest being ever, came up to me. Her baby was a few weeks older than mine, and I wanted to soak up all her knowledge and wisdom. She sat with me and gave me a piece of wisdom that you are going to think is so silly, yet applied correctly will change your life. You can tweak it as it fits you in different situations.
She said, what saved her was getting an iPod. Remember, this was ten thousand years ago in tech gadgets. Don’t judge :)
She said when she needed a break and there wasn’t a big break to be had, she put her baby in the stroller or baby carrier, put on her headphones and listened to music as she walked her baby.
I don’t have to tell you all the benefits listening to music has, let alone moving your body and getting out of the house during those precious in-between days of early motherhood.
Putting on her headphones created a space for her that was just hers. She was still there for her baby, able to touch and keep eye contact when the baby was awake, and at the same time make that little time and space for herself to take care of what she needed, nurture her body, mind and soul.
This advice is invaluable. It’s not instead of a real break. It’s not either or.
It’s knowing that you can make that space for yourself as you are there for others. It’s finding the balance so that you have that energy to be and stay present.
Get your iPod and your earphones. Take a moment.
Thank you for spending some time with me today :)
See you next time :)
This episode is brought to you by The Nest, the online parenting community for parents who want to raise kids that don’t suck. Go to mamatoto.info/thenest and get on the waitlist.
Let me tell you a story that used to be funny and embarrassing for me, and now, with time and wisdom is awesome and empowering to me, and maybe it will be for you too :)
When I became a mom I was in grad school. I did not have a lot of mom or dad friends, and none that had babies the same age as mine that lived close by.
My family was on a different continent, and I am not sure it would have been any better had they been closer. The distance might have been a blessing in disguise, and I will tell you why in a minute.
When my daughter was about nine months old it occurred to me that she didn’t have any baby friends.
Not that I knew what kind of interaction babies would have with each other at that point, but I thought that it would be important for her to have other babies in her life.
So I went on a quest to find them.
The most obvious place was the local playground, in our case that was the boat park on the corner of Lincoln and 46th avenue in San Francisco.
It was a playground with swings, slides and a boat to climb on, hence the name the boat park.
So I started hanging out there.
Trying to talk to other moms with babies of a similar age.
As you can imagine I felt super awkward. I’m pretty introverted and this was way out of my comfort zone.
One day, I am not sure after how long, I found a group of moms with babies roughly the same age as mine. So I took a deep breath and went over to talk to them.
There were four of them, they had been in the same home birthing group and they seemed to be the perfect amount crunchy moms for my taste.
One of the moms, Hilary, adopted me right away.
She invited me to walk with her, get together again, come to her house for tea, to be friends.
So we did that, we became friends, allies and companions. We both had difficult situations in our relationships, and she and the other moms became so much more than the mothers of my baby’s baby friends.
And that’s the point of me telling this story. That no matter how awkward it feels to put yourself out there, to be vulnerable, it is so worth it.
Friendships are worth it,
I would even say friendships are essential.
None of us can do this all by ourselves, that’s a truth.
On a Thanksgiving a while after where Hilary invited me to her house (it was also the first time I thoroughly enjoyed brussels sprouts, another thing to be thankful for), her mom asked me how we met.
Hilary said, Hanna picked me up at the playground.
And I did.
It’s a true story.
And I don’t regret it for a minute.
Community is at the heart of crunchy and Radical parenting.
Do you want to join mine? Come to The Nest.
It’s a place where we share knowledge, community, support and all the good stuff we need in parenting.
I can’t wait to see you there :)
This week I talk to Los Angeles based stay at home dad Paul. Paul and his wife have two kids and Paul teaches kids to swim out of his home. Check out his social media @paulswimz
We talk about being a stay at home dad, about parenting and all the things around it. We talk about our identities as people and parents, how our image of ourselves change and how we communicate that.
I loved recording this episode, I hope you enjoy it too :)
Don't forget to join our parenting community at www.mamatoto.info/thenest
I wanted to tell you a personal story about breaking patterns, maybe you will relate :)
I am a music mom, two of my three kids are musicians, the third we don’t know yet, he hasn’t started playing any instruments formally. My daughter is a pianist, drummer and singer, my son is a drummer in a band and a pianist.
I spend countless hours waiting for them to do their music lessons after school, I admire their hard work and their passion, and I love how it manifests in their day to day life. For example, when I take my teenage daughter to a music festival she can explain to me and appreciate different structures and complexities of different compositions, from electronica to rock. I think that’s pretty cool :)
When I was a kid I wanted to play the cello. And I was told that I wasn’t musical, so that was that. I loved music lessons and soaked up the few drumming lessons we had and loved trying out the bass.
But my mom said she wasn’t musical, so I wasn’t musical, so that was that.
Maybe I wasn’t. But maybe I was.
Either way, the story was that I wasn’t so there was no point in me playing music.
I’m not telling you this story for you to feel bad for me though, I want to share a lesson I learned.
The point of this story is to break patterns. To choose what you want to keep and get rid of what you don’t.
When my daughter was a baby I noticed that she had exceptional fine motor skills with her fingers. When she was just a few months old I bought a cheap keyboard to put under her hands when she did tummy time. I figured it would be good for her brain development to move her fingers and get a sound response. I have no idea if it was but she loved it :)
When my kids wanted to play music, I decided to not put my story of “not being musical” on them, but to let them explore.
I chose to break that pattern.
I saw all the benefits playing music has to their happiness and development, so we encouraged them to play as much music and experiment as much as they like.
And they do :)
So it turns out that my kids are musical. And they are also really hard workers. And playing music has brought them so much positive beyond the cool factor of being musicians.
So I encourage you to look at the patterns in your life, what do you want to keep and what do you want to get rid of? What would benefit from a shift in perspective? How can you see things from a different view to bring you more joy?
Write it down, sit with it. Make a list. Decide what you want to keep. And get rid of what you don’t.
Thank you for spending some time with me today :)
See you next time :)
How do you reach clarity in your body and mind? In this episode I share the story of my first moment of clarity, it was in New York City in 1998 in a smelly yoga studio :)
What does clarity mean to you as a parent?
Brought to you by my online parenting community, The Nest, at www.mamatoto.info/thenest
Who is in your corner? Who shows up for you? Who do you show up for? What does friendship and community mean to you?
Join my community, The Nest, here: www.mamatoto.info/thenest
This week I have a very special guest :)
As the first Amazing Father to share his story of parenting my awesome husband visits the podcast :)
He will share his very sweet story of becoming a dad, it might make you cry, and we talk a lot of coparenting and raising our kids.
I love this guy and I hope you like him too :)
And, don't forget to join The Nest: www.mamatoto.info/thenest
This week I talk to my beautiful friend Abi.
Abi mothers from the heart. We talk about slowing down, about being close, about feeling our kids.
We also talk about The Green School in Bali where Abi's kids go.
I loved recording this episode, I hope you love it too :)
This episode is brought to you by the Parenting Community The Nest. Join us at www.mamatoto.info/thenest
This week I talk to amazing mother Steph. Steph is an artist and educator. We went to grad school together where her daughter was five and mine was newborn.
Steph mothers a teenage daughter and we talk about that a lot. We talk about our kids calling us out, being a young mom, dressing and acting your age and so much more.
Here is Steph :)
This week I talk to Eva Klein from Toronto. Eva is a sleep consultant, so we talk a lot about sleep.
We also talk about enneagrams and how we use them in our parenting.
We also talk about finding the balance as parents and we share some self care tricks.
To find out more about Eva and what she does you can visit www.mysleepingbaby.com
An enneagram book that I like is
The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram: Nine Faces of the Soul by Sandra Maitri.
This week I talk to my friend Kiki. She is a mother of two, three and a half and one and a half old girls and what I love about this episode is that it is all present. Kiki is right in it, this is for all the moms with small children who are juggling the day to day, mothering around the clock.
We talk about how hard it is to ask for help, and we talk about all the things that are present when mothering small kids.
Kiki and I have been trying to schedule this call for a while, we managed to find a time when her daughter was sleeping, Kiki literally called me from her parked car with her napping daughter next to her to do this episode. I am so thankful for her.
I loved doing this episode and I hope you enjoy it too :)
This week I talk to Joanna Povall. Joanna is the deputy head at the school my kids go to and an extraordinary person with some great stories to tell.
She will tell us about being a young mom, and grandmother, about the importance of a close and connected family and about juggling a career and family.
Joanna is really open, smart and insightful, it is such a treat having her on the podcast and getting to hear her stories of motherhood.
This week I talk to Helen Basson. She is raising three teenagers, all a year apart from each other.
Helen has always been a working mom (she is very humble and won't tell you in the episode that she and her husband are the very well known Scape Design landscape designers who have won awards and have done awesome projects around the world). She will talk to us about juggling the work and the kids so close together, connecting with all her kids differently and how they have set up a very clever system both for their alone time and for their socks :)
I hope you enjoy Helen's episode, she is truly amazing :)
This week I talk to Elizabeth Bernstein.
Liz and I went to grad school together in San Francisco and she teaches photography at SFAI, and runs Oakland based gallery Nonesuch gallery. And she is Langston's mom.
Liz's son has type 1 diabetes and she shares her story of how that has impacted their lives.
She also shares with us her unconventional and absolutely beautiful way of creating a family and coparenting with her ex partner.
Liz shares her experience with post partum anxiety and OCD, raising awareness of taking care of your mental health.
I am so thankful she wanted to be on the podcast :)
The link to nest, you will be invited to join this week is: https://mailchi.mp/mamatoto.info/nestpreview
This week I talk to Katie Wood.
Katie is a mom of two living in England. Her story is a little different from most stories of motherhood, her daughter Emma has severe allergies that has shaped their lives and Katie's experience as a mom.
We talk a lot about allergy awareness, about raising a kid with allergies and Katie shares with us the unseen parts of allergies, the hardest parts, the worry and the anxiety.
We also talk about the stigma of homebirth, judgement of motherhood and raising kids with a cause.
At the end Katie tells us the positive part of raising kids with a challenge.
The link to join Nest is: https://mailchi.mp/mamatoto.info/nestpreview
This week I talk to Paulina Calavera, we are friends from college and she is one of my favorite people.
This episode is not like an interview, it is really two friends talking about motherhood, so this week you get to eavesdrop on us talking, and it gets personal.
Paulina shares her experience of postpartum depression, we talk about parenting almost teens and we talk about everything from pregnancy to birth and all kinds of things motherhood.
Paulina is so funny, she is such a joy to talk to and I think you will have fun listening to her story :)
The link for the nest is: https://mailchi.mp/mamatoto.info/nestpreview
This week I talk to Brandi. We went to grad school together and were pregnant with our first babies together.
Brandi has very inspiring birth stories and she is an all around amazing mom to look to for ideas and inspiration.
We talk about parenting tweens and teens, about not liking to wear shoes, the homeschooling hybrid that works so well for her family and the importance of climbing trees.
I love Brandi and I hope you enjoy her stories :)
Here is her website: langhusprovisioner.com and on IG @langhusprovsioner
and here is the link to join me in Nest: https://mailchi.mp/mamatoto.info/nestpreview
Sara and I met in middle school when we lived in Brussels. We later went to college together in New York, our paths have crossed many times and I am so happy to be sharing our parenting journey across the Atlantic.
Sara is the founder of Partum Wear, you find it here: www.partumcare.com Take a look, it's very cool stuff :)
We talk about our businesses, about helping moms have a better experience. The first part is really us catching up a little, and I left it in because I want you to hear about Sara's awesome company, I am sure many of you will love it.
Sara shares her experience of dealing with infertility treatments and finding spirit, community and family at Soul Cycle.
We also talk about how fun five year olds are, because, well they are :)
The link to join The Nest is: https://mailchi.mp/mamatoto.info/nestpreview
Megan and I met in a baby group in 2009 when our boys were babies.
Megan is an environmental lawyer, born in Australia and lives with her wife Wendy and son Ty in Northern California.
She shares her story of going through IVF, having a baby that doesn't sleep and the toll it takes, mothering a child with special needs and challenges, and we talk about the commitment and responsibility having a child is like nothing else.
Megan also shares her story of coming out in the 80s and her journey realizing the possibility of being a wife and a mother.
The secret link is: https://mailchi.mp/mamatoto.info/nestpreview
This week I talk to amazing mother Ebba. We grew up together, in the houses next door.
Ebba's journey into motherhood started as it does for most of us, with an uneventful pregnancy. During birth, something went wrong that has shaped her experience since then. Listen to Ebba's positive outlook and grounded views on how she couldn't imagine not being Moa and Alfons' mom.
The secret link I mention is: https://mailchi.mp/mamatoto.info/nestpreview
This week I talk to my friend Mariana. I have to warn you, we like to talk politics, so there is some of that in this episode.
Mariana shares her story of going from being a political artist to becoming an immigration lawyer.
She tells the story of her family coming about through family separation. She shares her journey of rehabilitating a child that deals with trauma.
And she shares the story of when she felt like Anto's mom for the first time :)
The secret link I mention is: https://mailchi.mp/mamatoto.info/nestpreview
This week i talk to my beautiful friend Emily Shamilan.
She will tell you the story of falling in love with her baby, choosing to leave a big career to be at home, mothering in NYC, the importance of connecting with other mothers and so much more.
This episode is a wonderful swirl of motherhood tangents, Emily's energy is amazing and generous, I loved doing this episode :)
The secret link I mention is here :)
This week I talk to amazing mother Renee. Renee is from Canada and has three children.
We talk about how her personality changed from being a type B to a type A when she became a mother and what an impact becoming a mother has on you.
We talk about the toll of not sleeping and the importance of self care.
Renee shares her stories of parenting kids of different ages.
We talk about playing games with our kids and I share why I am banned from playing Karaoke with my family.
We go deep, we talk about the qualifiers for motherhood and we talk about female friendships and why they mean so much.
The secret link I talk about is here :)
This week I talk to my awesome friend Kat.
Kat is a wonderfully natural and intentional mother. She has three kids and she will tell you her story of mothering in an international community, mothering with intention, she will tell you about being the daughter of a Doula and she will share some really awesome stories with you.
I promised access to a secret link, here it is :)
This week I talk to Amazing Mother Elizabeth Molovidov.
She is a mom, a lawyer, a law professor and an advocate for children's rights online.
We talk about a lot of things, Elizabeth is so fun and generous and she tells us some really sweet and personal stories.
We also talk about kids and tech, how to keep them safe, how to enter their world, Fortnite, Apex legends, and Momo.
Dr. Elizabeth Milovidov is a mom to two tech-savvy little boys, a lawyer, law professor and eSafety consultant.
She is a member of the Working Group of experts on Digital Citizenship Education and an independent expert on Digital Parenting and Children and Internet for the Children’s Rights Division of Council of Europe.
She is an advisor on European Cooperation and International Projects for e-Enfance, a French online child protection association providing support to parents and children in the digital age.
Her core work involves researching solutions for parenting in the digital age and she has authored several guides and workbooks for parents, moderates a Facebook community for parents and is the founder of DigitalParentingCoach.com. a website and community with resources for parents.
Find here here :)
This week I talk to amazing mother Gabriella Jarratt.
We talk about being an older mom, miscarriages, how your life changes when you become a mom, coparenting with an equal partner, giving birth in Italy and so much more.
We also talk about mental health, eating disorders and panic attacks in motherhood.
I loved doing this interview, I hope you enjoy it too :)
This week I am talking to my wonderful friend Vita Hewitt.
Vita and I went to grad school together in San Francisco and have known each other for a while. She is not only an amazing mother, she is also an amazing artist. You can find her work in the links below.
Vita and I talk about breaking the patterns of addiction, we talk about when you feel like a mother. Vita's daughter is a poet, so we also talk about raising a poet, the spirituality of motherhood and about raising a kid who remembers past lives.
Find Vita's work here:
https://www.hewittphotography.com
https://www.hewittvisuals.com/about.html
Today I talk to my wonderful friend Tania.
Tania is from Australia originally and she is raising her kids in France with her English partner.
We talk about motherhood in England vs. Australia, balancing your career and childcare, inspiring your children and so much more.
I always love talking to Tania and I think you will enjoy her story too :)
Today I am talking to Lizzy Parks.
Lizzy is both an amazing mother and musician.
I got to know Lizzy when she started teaching my now teenager to play the piano when she was around six. She gave my daughter the joy of music.
Lizzy will share with us some deep, challenging and beautiful stories about becoming a mother, and being a mother. I love that she goes deep and isn’t afraid to talk about the difficult things with complete honesty and compassion both for herself and everyone else involved.
Today’s episode was a treat to record and I hope you will find it a treat to listen to :)
Find her here:
https://www.lizzyparks.com
https://www.lizzyandthegentlemen.com
Cecile is an extraordinary mother. She is one of the go to moms that I ask for advice and insight and she always turns perspectives on their nose.
Today she will talk to us about gentle and assertive parenting. We are going to be talking about the freedom of choice, about failure and about when her son decided to go to school at Summer Hill in England.
This week I talk to my wonderful friend Ginny about Motherhood.
Ginny has two children, Scarlet and Tom. She shares her experience of being a very active and fit mother through pregnancy and into being a mom.
We talk about teaching our kids to love themselves, we talk about raising trilingual kids and we talk about the fun. There is so much fun where Ginny is and she really brings that to motherhood.
In the first episode of Mamatoto Radio's Amazing Mothers series I talk to Kriz Bell. Kriz lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, in Fairfax, CA with her daughter Xoxa.
Kriz and I met a few years ago in London when we were taking a storytelling workshop. Since then, I have admired her as a parent and a person, she is really extraordinary.
In this episode we talk about being a survivor, solo parenting, her mom community, trusting your intuition in mothering, cosleeping, mom shaming and lots and lots more.
Professionally Kriz is a writer. You can find her here.
Welcome to Mamatoto Radio, your podcast from Mamatoto where we talk about all things Motherhood, from pre conception, pregnancy, birth and into motherhood.