Finishing School With Ms. Mhari

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Welcome back Class. We have been covering some heavy topics lately, and while they are important they are not exactly fun. So let’s take a break from that and do something fun. Today we’re going to talk about shopping for sex toys. We’re going to take a look at how to identify what you want, what materials are body safe, and how to actually get the item.

If this is your first foray into toys I strongly encourage you to seek out your local adult toy store. It’s always easier to figure out what you want in person first, and then, when you know what you like, you can order online. This is the opposite of how most folks what to do, because toy stores can be embarrassing. I encourage you to go revist our first lecture together class if that’s your concern.

So now the fun part. There are toys to make almost any sensation. There are toys to insert, toys to be inserted, and everyone feels different, vibrates, rotates, or thrusts, at a different speed and rhythm. It can be super overwhelming if you don’t have a good idea of what you like already. So think back to what feels good for you.

A way to figure it out is to think about when you masturbate, do you focus on one small spot, or do you touch a wider area? Do you enjoy slower touches, or fast ones? Do you focus only on your genitals or do your hands roam? Do you prefer rubs or taps or squeezes? Ect. Keep that in mind while shopping. If you like focused touches a bullet vibrator is a better bet for you than a wide wand for example. If you don’t like anything inserted then a rabbit dildo with a rotating shaft won’t do anything for you, but if you Do like having something inserted then that may be a thing to explore.

Start simple and inexpensive until you know what you like. There are few things more disappointing than spending a ton of money on a toy you end up hating.

Notice how I said inexpensive, not cheap. Cheap is Bad. Remember this is an item you are using in or around you or your partners’ genitals, mouth, or anus. These are areas of the body that are, let’s say finicky, about materials. And for some people these areas are particularly prone to infection and irritation. So materials are important. They may cost a bit more, but safer materials are always worth it in the long run. How about we take a look at some materials and their care, pros, and cons then, shall we?

Metal.

Metal has a weight, both physical and mental, that few other materials can get close to. Metal is fantastic for Careful temperature play since, unlike glass, it won’t crack or shatter going from hot to cold. Just remember it holds heat well, so if you’re playing with Hot there’s a high risk of burning, be careful. Metal can also be boiled to be sterilized, making it super easy to clean.

The only downside to metal is the lack of give, so if you’re not careful you can injure yourself or your partner with metal toys. Remember, in an argument between soft flesh and hard metal? Metal wins. So you want to go slow and careful and use plenty of lube.

Glass.

Glass is lovely. There is nothing that feels quite like glass does. It’s safe for any kind of lube since it’s a non-reactive material. It, like metal, can be boiled to sterilize post play (put it in room temp water and bring it up to temp in the pot with a towel at the bottom to keep it from touching the metal. This will reduce the risk of breaking. You can also toss it in the dishwasher on the top rack) so it’s also easy to clean.

That being said I do not buy glass from independent vendors unless I’m using it for display not play. I buy only cyberglass from established brands because I know how they do quality checks. And pretty as independent glass can be, I can’t be sure of their durability. If you choose to get glass, check it before and after every use for any chips or cracks. Last thing you want is an internal cut because of a chip you didn’t look for. It also, like metal, is inflexible. With the added risk of cracking or chipping. So again, this is a toy for slow and careful play to avoid injury.

Silicone.

Pure silicone is good. It’s also able to be put through the dishwasher (assuming there are no electronics in it). It’s non-porous and so doesn’t hold onto bacteria. It is softer than metal or glass so it’ll hold up to more, lets say enthusiastic, use without harming you or your partner. It won’t shatter, and it comes in a wide range of colors and textures.

Just be aware that silicone will melt when put in contact with other silicone objects. So if you have multiple silicone toys store them in breathable cotton bags to make sure they don’t touch each other and never Ever use silicone based lube with them. Fun fact? Cyberskin or real skin toys are also a softer kind of silicone. Just check and make sure you’re not getting a knock off where the silicone has been cut with another material. Checking this can be a bit difficult since not every toy company lists what toys are made of. So my personal rule is if no material is listed, I don’t buy it.

Rubber.

Rubber is harder than silicone in most cases, it’s also a bit sticker. Rubber can’t go through the dishwasher, so you’ll need to hand wash with a good toy cleaner. It won’t melt like silicone will, but it can have a strong aroma, like unto a tire. So when you first open up your toy expect that it’s going to stink and be prepared to let it air out for a while. I strongly encourage condom use with rubber insertables as rubber can cause allergic reactions in some people. No one wants their fun evening to end in the ER.

Leather.

Leather is an organic material, which means it is porous and mildew can grow on it. Or it can dry out and end up cracking or going stiff. If you’re going to get leather toys (cuffs, paddles, collars, gags, blindfolds, ect are what is most commonly made of leather) you need to research proper leather care. And then do it. Leather is an investment.

Plastic.

Plastic is porous. So you need to remember to wash it right after use and not put it away wet. Basically treat plastic like rubber. Generally you see plastic as bullet vibes or the ‘my first vibrator’ things that have the cap on the bottom that you twist to turn it on/off or put in or remove the one or two AA batteries it uses. It’s inexpensive and a good start if you have no experiance with toys.

Jelly.

No. For the sake of your genitals just Do Not. Jelly toys were our first attempt at more realistic feeling sex toys, they’re billed to be soft like skin and became popular in the 70s and 80s. We’ve gotten better. These have a sanitary life of roughly .03 seconds once opened, have the highest risk of causing allergic reactions, are sticky, attract lint, and are impossible to properly clean. They’re attractive because they are dirt cheap and squishy. Save your money for something better Class. About the only use of a jelly toy is if you want to explore soft packing, since it doesn’t matter if collects lint, it’s not going in anyone. Even then, if you decide you like soft packing invest in a better penis.

When buying a toy it is important to make sure you know what it is made of. If it doesn’t list the materials on the package, or in the description on the website, Do Not Buy It. Toys that are body safe, and made of body safe materials, are proud of that fact and will list it in a prominent spot. Do Not Buy toys from sketchy websites cough wish cough. Less than reputable sites will just copy the material list of the item they’re knocking off, not what’s in the actual product they’re selling you.

I’m going to recommend some solid starter brands and websites. I am not sponsored (sadly). So I’m not getting anything from telling you this.

Doc Johnson is a solid dildo company. They’ve been in business for a good long while and are dependable.

If you want glass? Icicles is the way to go.

Need a masturbation sleeve? Fleshlight’s got you. They’re easy to wash, easy to customize, and you can adjust the suction while you’re using it.

Njoy is the leader in metal toys, they’re well made and nickel free.

Want a couple’s toy? WeVibe has some lovely designs that are discreet to use so they don’t get in the way.

As for websites? I highly recommend EdenFantasys.com. They have a wide selection of toys, encourage reviews, have materials listed, let you sort by material, shows you noise levels and material safety, and their prices are middle of the road. And they run frequent sales.

Babeland (formerly babes in toyland) is a fun women owned sex toy website. They run events, seminars, and have an online community where you can ask questions of other shoppers. If you’re looking to explore BDSM and kink however, they’re not the place to go as that section is either woefully understocked, or just not stocked at all. In fact their only BDSM toys are found in a section labeled “50 shades of grey” and Oh My do I have thoughts on THAT franchise. That’s another podcast though class, I’m not going on that tangent right now.

Speaking of bondage toys, if that’s what you’re interested in and what to explore Extreme Restraints is the website to visit. They have everything in lovely little subcategories, since this is what they specialize in, rather than in one big ol’ kink section. This makes it both easier to find what you want, and avoid getting blind sided by toys that are firmly Not Your Kink. They have a range of price points, their products are generally reliable, and are a solid choice if you’re not in the “build it your own self crowd”

So now you know what you want, know where to get it, know what to look for. That’s it right?

Almost class. Now we’re going to go over care.

If you want your investment toy to last there are some universal truths. It has to be cleaned, and it needs to be stored properly. I don’t mean run under water and then tossed in your sock drawer. This makes the sex toy sad, and sad sex toys are not long for this world. Invest in a good sex toy cleaner. You can get this in sprays, or tubes or dispensers like lube. Just check and follow the instructions on your particular product.

For non-porous items (metal, glass, silicone) you can also run them through the dishwasher on the top rack for a sanitation cycle. If you do this, please use common sense. Don’t put your butt plug with the jewel in there, water will get under the jewel and make it cloudy/compromise the adhesive. Also never put anything with electronics in the dishwasher. If your vibrator is silicone that’s wonderful, don’t kill the motor with your dishwasher.

Storage depends on the item.

All insertable toys can be stored in a cotton bag and either hung from the drawstring for vertical storage or (after they’re in the bag) stored in a drawer or chest. Make sure you remove any batteries prior to storage to make sure they don’t burst in the toy, since sometimes batteries can corrode and the last thing you want is a corroded battery destroying your $200 vibrator. Batteries can be kept in a plastic sandwich baggie in the same cotton bag as the toy they were last used in, just to keep them separated from their fresh and unused counterparts. I do the same with cords for rechargeable toys, just to keep them from getting tangled or lost. You can find storage bags with a quick google search for “bulk cotton bags”, or make them yourself out of handkerchiefs or quilting squares if you’d rather do that.

Why do I recommend a cotton bag instead of a clear plastic one? Because cotton breathes and reduces the chance of humidity damaging your toy. If you put your toy away in a plastic bag you run a higher risk of mildew and bacterial growth on porous items (like plastic, rubber, and some life like feeling materials), and condensation and sticking on non porous ones. Plus cotton bags are easy to wash, and don’t produce lint the way felt or fleece does once you wash it.

For things that can be creased and damaged, like crops, floggers, leather paddles, and latex or vinyl garments, the best method of storage is hanging up. If you’re worried about them being seen if someone opens your closet hang them in opaque garment bags. You can use S hooks on regular hangers to hang multiple toys in one bag, and you can get opaque plastic garment bags at the dollar store.

Soft restraint and rope storage are simple. Some folks will properly coil their rope and then hang it on a hook, others will toss the coils in a chest or drawer. Rope is forgiving so long as it’s coiled first. Skip coiling and your rope will be an unholy tangled mess next time you want to use it. Don’t knot restraints together! It may seem easier to just knot a bunch of scarves together so you don’t lose them, but this turns them into a wrinkled sad mess. I suggest you lay them out, one on top of the other, and roll them together. Then put a tie around this bundle to keep it from unrolling, and store it upright (so it looks like a cinnamon roll). This keeps them together, keeps them neat, and saves you from weird knot based wrinkles.

Hard restraints, like cuffs, spreader bars, ect, need to be stored according to size and what it is. Cuffs are fine to just toss in your toy chest, but multiple metal items should not be tossed naked in the same box with other hard items to avoid them getting nicked or dinged. Spreader bars and chains should really be hung up as well to avoid them rolling around or banging into other toys while you’re looking for something specific. You can also use bubble wrap and rubber bands to store multiple metal objects in one spot. Just wrap ‘em in bubble wap and then put rubber bands around it to keep it on. You can also, for odd shaped things like handcuffs, get the padded envelopes meant for shipping small items from the post office and just not seal the flap.

Glass gives you options. Because glass is super pretty I just leave it out on a shelf in my bedroom. However not everyone wants their collection displayed, if that’s the case then you have a few options. You can store it in padded envelopes or bubble wrap, you can keep it in the box it came in, you can hang them in cotton or velvet bags, or you can roll them up in cloth to cushion them. The one thing you want to avoid is having them free rolling around in a chest that you’ll riffle through for other toys. The more they get banged around against other things the more likely they are to chip or crack. And if you’re not displaying them then a chip or a crack means throwing out the piece you spent some money on. Which is just sad.

So there you have it Class, a brief introduction to toys. In the future we’ll discuss specific toy options and what to look for in those instances. This was mostly sex toy shopping 101. Until next time, have fun and stay safe.

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A brief guide to sex toys.

As always if you want to support Finishing School please toss some money in the tip jar via Paypal.Me/MsMhari

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Welcome back class. Today we’re going to have a vocab lesson! Mostly because I need to think of something other than what’s going on in the wider world. So we’re doing some Finishing School terminology. This will appear going forward so this counts as a 101 course in your second semester.

I’m sure you’ve all heard the phrase “relationship landmines” at one point or another in your life. They appear in books, advice columns, ect. The term generally refers to past traumas, limits, or boundaries that you don’t know your partner has until you step on them. EIther they didn’t know, thought they were healed, or they didn’t tell you for reasons ranging from embarrassment to fear. Either way A Bad has happened, something has blown up, and now there’s emotional shrapnel all over the place that you all need to clean up, assuming the relationship even survived the initial blast.

This is a useful analogy for some folks because traumas can be sudden, unexpected, and destructive. It can also be entirely disarmed with skill, patience, and work if you find them before they blow up. So landmines make sense.

I do not care for this term and therefore Finishing School does not use it.

Why? Because class, landmines are a One and Done weapon. Oh sure you can have a whole field of them, but each individual mine only goes off once. Trauma and triggers don’t work like that. They reoccur. Sometimes in the same place, sometimes 2 inches to the left. Sometimes they wreck everything, sometimes you just need to make a minor course correction and you’ll be fine. Mines don’t adjust their damage once you trip one just because the field trusts you and you didn’t mean to hit it.

So what do we here at Finishing School use to refer to Unexpected Bads in a relationship?

Ditch Goats.

Now, I realize some of you may not have ever lived in a place where Unexpected Livestock or road drainage ditches are things, so allow me to explain where this comes from.

Occasionally, as you drive past a farm, you’ll notice that sheep or goats or chickens, maybe ducks have either escaped their confinement, or are allowed to free range entirely. This means occasionally they wander into the road. And since roads by farms are not generally full of traffic, it’s not all that dangerous so they never learn not to do it. Also, in rural areas where these farms exist there are usually septic systems, not municipal sewers. This means that there are frequently drainage ditches along the side of the road in order to keep the road from getting washed out when it rains and, at least where I live, to give plows somewhere to dump snow, since there’s no sewer grates under curbs to drain into. These roads can also be winding, full of hills and curves, which block sight lines.

What do you get when you add all that together? Sometimes Class you come around a blind corner and find a goat has escaped and is foraging in the drainage ditch, disturbingly close to the side of the road you’re driving down.

What, on earth, has that got to do with relationships, Ms. Mhari?

I’m getting there.

Much like trauma trigger a Ditch Goat can be somewhat predicted, but not with 100% certainty until you turn the final corner. Your partner may warn you “oh hey, there’s a goat farm down this road, and they tend to escape. Watch out for ditch goats.” You can remember where it was last time, and it may or may not be there. Maybe it’s around the next curve. Maybe it didn’t feel like escaping it’s pasture today in the first place and isn’t there at all.

You also have Options with ditch goats that just aren’t there with landmines.

If the goat is on the side of the road but not directly in it you can drive on by with caution to make sure it doesn’t jump out, but don’t have to stop and neither of you suffer damage. Just like, with exposure therapy, you and your partner can engage with a trauma trigger carefully without damaging your relationship. Like impact play when getting hit would normally trigger flashbacks and panic in an abuse survivor for example.

If the goat is in the road, but not the middle, and you see it with enough warning you can slow down to give it time to move, go around it, or stop entirely and shoo it to the side. This, to me, is like when you notice your partner tense up when you say or do something, or notice them hesitating, and stop to reaffirm consent and alter what you’re saying or doing, or slow down to make sure they don’t get triggered by you moving too fast. The goat is still there, and you may have had to pause for a minute to make sure you didn’t hit it, but no one got hurt.

Maybe the goat was in the middle without enough warning to avoid it and you hit the goat. Well now you have damage to your car, but it may still be driveable depending on how hard you hit the (for the record, unharmed) goat. Hitting a trigger isn’t always mass amounts of irreparable damage. Sometimes it just takes a little work before you can get back on the road to where you were going. This would be something like calling your partner a pet name that an ex used that they have bad memories associated with, or touching them in places that cause panic. You have to stop, assess, and wait for the panic to ebb before continuing, but it didn’t Destroy Everything.

Sometimes, if you’re a therapist or this is your long term partner and you’re both working on getting this goat to Stop Escaping, you’ll see that it’s out by the road, stop the car entirely, and usher it back into the designated Goat Containment Zone. You’re not required to do this for any goat farmer, it is their job to maintain their fences. But goats are crafty buggers and this is a kindness. Especially if the farmer has asked for your help with this particular escape goat.

Sometimes you have to keep avoiding the Same Damn Goat. Forever. That bugger just keeps sneaking out no matter what the goat farmer does to contain it. Sometimes you’ll think you missed it, but it’ll turn up 8 miles down the road, leaving you to wonder how on earth it ended up there. That’s normal too with trauma tied to gaslighting and moving goal posts. Sometimes something that was perfectly safe last week Is No Longer Safe, even when you’re out of the traumatic situation. Your body remembers and starts to get triggered off of feeling safe at all, since it’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. So the Ditch Goat pops up further down the road. This is a normal, though extremely frustrating, part of recovery.

And sometimes? Sometimes hitting the goat wrecks your car. The goat is fine, the jerk always is. Ditch Goats are indestructible in this analogy. But your car is totaled beyond saving. And sometimes some trauma triggers, and the response to hitting them, do blow up relationships. We can do our best to avoid them, and our best to mitigate the damage, and sometimes we can try again afterwards, but at that moment it’s not possible to go forward in a whole car. This is generally when someone you are in a relationship with, be it romantic, sexual, or platonic, was not as recovered as they thought they were and was not actually ready for the kind of relationship you had. This is No Ones Fault. Not your partner or friend’s and not yours unless you intentionally hit their trigger. Which, for the record, makes you an asshole.

No one asked for ditch goats. No one asked for goats at all, ditch or contained. Just like no one wants trauma or traumatic reactions, no matter how self aware and up front they are about having them. Therefore there’s no point in getting angry at someone for having them. Especially if they are aware of where they generally are, and how likely they are to wreck cars, and they warn you. Don’t get angry with someone for disclosing a ditch goat. Thank them and ask how to mitigate the chances of wrecking your car on it.

It’s easy to panic when confronted with Unexpected Ditch Goat. I mean here you are, just driving along, and SUDDENLY LIVESTOCK! But honestly? That’s the worst thing you could do. Panic means sudden moves and over reactions that startle the dratted thing into jumping in front of your car and wrecking it. Reacting with panic, fear, or judgement to your loved one disclosing trauma, limits or boundaries, just makes them less likely to trust you enough to disclose other important things later. It means that you’ve set your relationship success to hard mode by demonstrating that they need to focus on comforting you about their needs. That’s...not a good look class. Listen with kindness and patience, thank them for telling you, ask how you can support them, and freak out privately later.

So yes, ditch goats. This is the term. Learn it, use it, get used to it. You’re going to be hearing it a lot as class progresses.

That’s all for this lecture class. Until next time have fun, and stay safe.

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What do you call an unexpected Bad in a relationship? Here's what we call it at finishing school.

As always, and now more than ever, if you like what I'm doing here please toss me a tip in the tip jar at Paypal.Me/MsMhari

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Hello class. Normally I would welcome you, but that feels like the wrong phrasing given our collective situation. I’m speaking of course of the ongoing and escalating pandemic of Covid-19, and our social distancing and isolation. So today? Today we’re going to talk about intimacy in crisis. We are, bluntly, in uncharted waters here Class. The majority of us have never had to live through something like this, and none of us have had to do it on this scale. To that end, please do not feel as though you need to take what I am suggesting as law. Take what you need, and what works, and disregard anything that does not. The only way through this is together, and to do that we need to maintain some kind of intimacy. So let’s start looking at how to make that happen.

When I say intimacy, I do not mean only sex. I mean connection. I mean trust. I mean checking in on your elderly neighbor to make sure they’re set for food they can manage, and maintaining a community via phones and internet. It’s remembering Why we’re bothering to flatten the curve to keep others safe, instead of going about life as normal. And yes I do also mean sexual intimacy with your partner as well. We’re going to cover sexual intimacy first, because this is first and foremost a sex education podcast. But we will cover more than that.

There is a lot of anxiety. A lot of unknowns. We don’t know how bad this will get, we don’t have a good way of assessing what our personal risk is. And when we are anxious? 90% of people’s brains put the brakes on sexual connection. For understandable reasons! Our survival instinct kicks in, and running from a lion is a really Really bad time to be horny. But our stress response is not made for long term use, and in all likelihood we will adjust to this new normal before the worst of it hits. And when that happens we will need our network more than ever, which means we can’t spend the build time up shoving them away and eroding the foundations. So what do we do? We take precautions.

If you are physically quarantined with a sexual partner? Please make sure you are stocked up on barriers. Now is not the time to become pregnant or need treatment for an STI. Our medical system either is, or is about to be, horrendously overburdened depending on where you live. You will not be able to get the care you need to either get through a pregnancy safely, or effectively treat an STI.

This goes double if you are not quarantined with your partner but are still choosing to see them instead of including them in social distancing. Getting someone you don’t live with pregnant, or getting pregnant in this situation, would be a horror show no matter how much you both would want it otherwise. You can’t safely support your partner, or be supported by them, and you have limited access to medical care. And if your partner is also having sex with other people? Last thing you want is for them to expose you to anything, even something normally treatable and mild. This sucks. I know it does. No one wants to think their partner will get them sick. It’s not something anyone wants to face. But this is the reality we’re in now and something that needs to be recognized and considered in our decision making.

Instead? I encourage you to practice your sexting and phone sex skills with your non-live in partners. Build a fantasy together, buy the same erotic book on an ereader or read the same smutty fan fic and tell eachother what you liked about it. Save these ideas for when the crisis has passed. Take up the same online game if you can and make dates to watch movies together by streaming the same movie at the same time while you are on the phone or texting. There are a TON of tricks and advice for long distance relationships out there, and those are the resources to tap into in this case. You’ve very suddenly been launched into the hardest moments of a long distance relationship with your partner who lives 10 minutes away, and I am deeply sorry. But this will not last forever, and it will be all the better when you reunite knowing you were not the one who got your beloved or their family sick.

Going back to live in partners. If one of you is still working outside the home, or needs to leave for any reason, exercise caution when you get home. I know it’s going to seem excessive now, but taking a shower (if possible) as soon as you get home, and putting your clothing either directly in the washer or in a designated “contaminated” space will go a long way towards easing stress and anxiety. And remember, stress and anxiety are the enemies of intimacy. Minimize the things you touch between door and shower, and disinfect your doorknobs. We don’t need to go full hazmat suit, but showers make sex nicer anyway. So there’s really no losing here, even if you personally feel it’s over kill.

If you are both working from home or no one has left? Also remember to shower. We as humans tend to slip on things like “hygiene” and “cleaning” when stuck at home for longer periods of time. Joking aside, make sure you all keep up on your home here. It’s easy to slip into “I’ll do it tomorrow” or “Other adult will do X, they’re home”. No. It’s your home, learn how to do the thing. A clean environment means less stress, and, as we’re all going to memorize by the end of this, stress and anxiety are the enemies of intimacy.

This next bit is going to sound a bit off in the age of “make time for your partner” but Give Your Partner Space. Especially if you have kids. You are around each other 24/7 now. No one signed up for this. This is not what anyone had in mind moving in. You love them dearly, I know you do, but you’re going to drive each other to murder if you don’t get time to yourselves. And I mean Time Alone. Alternate who has point on the kid if there is any involved here to make sure your partner has precious Precious time. Talk to your partners and figure out a schedule that works for everyone involved so the adults can get their commitments met and keep their sanity. Even if your partner is a stay at home parent? They didn’t sign up for you being home too, and if your kids are normally in school then they’re used to having the house to themselves for at least a couple of hours. They got stuff to do too here. Make sure they have time to maintain their interests and decompress, regardless of what that looks like to you, since that will reduce stress and anxiety. And a comfortable, less stressed partner, means you’re more likely to be able to have sex while you’re cooped up together

Try to maintain your relationship routine as much as possible, and if you don’t have one? Make one. For example in a previous relationship date night was Tuesday and Tuesdays were sacred. We did not make plans for Tuesday night that was not something we did together without anyone else. If you have a date night, or nights apart, try your best to maintain that rhythm. Nights apart can be as simple as reading books in different rooms, date night can just be making A Point of cuddling or reading to each other.

I don’t suggest having Important Talks while housebound. Even if it seems like a good idea since you’re both there and have all the time in the world to talk it out. When one of you can leave to cool off it’s an entirely different dynamic than if you both know you’re stuck. Even if neither of you ever actually leaves the house if an Important Talk starts going sideways, the fact that you Could creates an exit that just doesn’t exist right now. So hold off on the talks about if you want kids, or this new fetish you want to try, or opening your relationship up if you’re monogamous. Wait until you’re not under this level of stress, ok?

So what about nonsexual intimacy? Our friends and family outside our home?

Internet is a blessing.

Can it replace in person coffee dates, or tea time, or random drop ins? No. No it can’t. What it can do is keep us connected. This isn’t the 1918 Spanish Flu. We’re not trapped only speaking to the people we live with through this. I personally have seen people setting up Zoom meetings, skype and facetime calls to entertain each other’s kids, people reading to each other via facebook live, discord servers to chat on, ect. Now is the time to practice your communication skills.

I know, we are in an age that communicates via meme. I do it. I do it a lot. But message your friend, or that person you miss but haven’t talked to forever. Catch up and binge a show together via streaming services. Texting and typing are, for all their faults in conveying tone, a beautiful way to connect. They let you get your thoughts in order before telling the other person, which allows you a clarity in instant communication we’ve never had access to before. Use it. I suggest finding one of those “30 questions to fall in love” type of things and doing it with your friends. Privately. Since those questions get more and more intimate and personal the longer it goes on. But it’s an exercise in trust and gives you a base to build on if you’re stuck on topics.

Call someone. I know, the idea of using a phone to place a call gives me hives too. But it’s really the best way to check on high risk neighbors and family without exposing them. Make sure they’re ok, and that they know there’s someone who cares and is checking in. Especially if they are elderly or otherwise frail and may not be able to ask for help on their own. If you don’t have your neighbor’s numbers? Write yours down and stick it in their mailbox with a note to give you a call if they’d like you to check in on them and make sure they’re ok. Make that reach out. They may not have anyone else local.

What not to do?

This is a very short list here. What not to do is simple. Simple is not easy but it’s simple. Don’t put others at risk if you can at all avoid it, example stay home and keep yourself as clean as possible. Don’t get greedy. There is enough for us all, we just have to share it and stagger out our buying.

Don’t let stress and anxiety win.

I know, I know, that’s hard. Trust me. I am Well Aware of that this week. Well aware. But it’s true. Stress and anxiety are the enemies of intimacy, and intimacy is what we need to get through this.

Look, Class. I’m just as guilty as any other 30something of declaring people suck and I hate them. I am, in spite of this podcast, an introverted misanthrope who is convinced her dogs are better than 90% of humans. Now is our collective chance to prove the worst bits of me wrong. Yes we are in a crisis. Yes it is going to get worse before it gets better. No I am not going to sugar coat it for you, I like you more than that. We are going to lose people. We already have. That doesn’t mean we need to push away other people emotionally. Take this as a chance to build stronger relationships and intentional communities.

After all, when all is said and done? We’ll have some rebuilding to do. And that’s easier in communities.

That’s all for this lecture. Until next time, stay safe.

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Yes this is off the planned schedule. But it's important.

As always if you like this podcast and want to help keep it going please consider tossing a tip at me via Paypal.me/MsMhari

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Welcome back class! Today we’re going to talk about something extremely common, normal,and fun. Today we’re going to discuss sexting. This is really a topic that needs very little introduction, so let's dive right in.

Sexting is the act of exchanging messages of an erotic nature with another person. This can be texts on a phone, instant messaging services, chat rooms, email, ect. This is truly a wonder of modern technology and could not exist in a time before cell phones and the internet. Damn near everyone sexts now, and it’s one of the first ways teens (and frankly preteens) explore their sexuality. It’s a way to discover and test out kinks that you may be too nervous about to try in real life. It’s a form of role play that lets you play with ideas that you either wouldn’t, shouldn’t, or can’t engage in physically. Plus it is just fun.

In my entirely unscientific observations, sexting has mostly replaced phone sex in our culture. For good reasons. Most obviously because sexting can be done utterly discreetly. No one else on the bus needs to know what you and that hottie you’re talking to are saying, which adds another layer of excitement. It means you don’t have to make sure you’re both alone, or in an area where you can hear clearly. And it also means you can keep it up as long as you’re both interested without having to stop because the baby started crying or your mom came home or one of you needs to leave for work. You can set it down and respond when you have the right words which leads to scenes that are more carefully thought out and hotter.

And, since you can do it anywhere, you can be doing anything else you need to while sexting. Shoot your beloved a hot text on break from work. Message your online bootycall while making dinner. Got a few minutes before your meeting or class starts? “Just thinking about what we did the other day baby”.

That being said there are some basic rules and safety measures you need to take in order to practice safe sext.

Obtain consent from your sexting partner.
Do not send photos unless your partner has requested them.
Do not send photos with faces or identifying marks
Never EVER share photos sent to you by a partner.
Obtain Consent:

Consent is always mandatory. Dropping some sexually explicit texts on someone without warning is Not Ok. They may not be willing to sext with you for a variety of reasons. So never start with the explicit stuff, but gauge interest in the moment by mentioning you’re thinking about them, or tell them you’re in the mood to play, and see what they say.

If they’re not? They are not required to explain their no. Some common reasons are they don’t know you well enough to be comfortable with that, they’re in a bad headspace for it, or they’re in a bad location. Nobody wants an unexpected “what are you wearing?” at grandma’s funeral. Don’t take a no personally. You have to ask every time, and be comfortable accepting no. Remember class, if you’re not comfortable hearing No then you’re in no position to ask for the thing in the first place.

Do not send photos unless your partner has requested them:

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if you identify as interested in men you must be in want of a dick pic. Spoiler: No. The unsolicited dick pic is a trope, and every single person who says they like men has gotten, or will get one. It is an annoying fact of existence. Like taxes or Starbucks misspelling your name.

If they haven’t asked? They do not want the picture. It is, at best, annoying and at worst traumatic. You’re not winning anyone over by sending photos of a sexual nature to someone who doesn’t want them. Best you can hope for is a heavy sigh and for them to block you. Ask if they want a picture, respect them if they say no.

Side note: Depending on your age and where you live if you are under the age of consent both you and your partner can be charged with distribution and possession of child pornography. Be aware of your local laws, even when exploring with a partner your own age who you know in person. And if you are underage and someone who you either do not know personally, or who you know is older than you asks for photos? Don’t send them. You can still face severe legal penalties even if its photos of your own body that you are actively sending. And if that person Knows you are underage and are still asking? That’s not flattery that’s predation. And you should report them.

There are other reasons not to that you will hear from adults, but I’m of the view that it is your body and you can make decisions about it. But those decisions need to be informed with full understanding of potential consequences. Which, in this case, is risking jail for a long time for child pornography, having a pedophile having access to photos of you, and having pictures of you out in the world before you even really have a chance to explore it yourself. And those are some pretty hefty potential consequences for the sake of sending someone a sexy picture.

Do not send photos with faces or identifying marks.

This is, annoyingly, a safety concern. No one wants to believe the person they’re being intimate with will betray their trust and share private photos. But there is a whole industry around \ Revenge Porn that is just barely being addressed by law enforcement. We see leaked nudes all the time, from celebrities to Mary from accounting after she and Cam broke up. Leaked erotic photos are a problem. To the point where some people are advocating you watermark your photos with an unique mark to be able to identify just who leaked them, even years later. Something like their name or a pet name for them or their username. This can help you build a case against them in our brand shiny new revenge porn laws since you have proof it was them who initially leaked the shot.

Keeping your face, tattoos, distinguishing birthmarks, ect out of photos gives you plausible deniability if your ex partner is a truly horrible person and sends them to someone like your boss or a parent, or puts them online where someone like a boss or parent or your child may stumble across them.

And always remember: leaked erotic photos are Never your fault. The blame lies entirely on the person who released them into the wild, not you for taking them. Especially if you followed the previous rule and only sent them after you were asked. This person betrayed your trust. That just means you trusted someone you shouldn’t have, not that you’re a bad person.

Never EVER share photos sent to you by a partner.

This is a massive breach of trust. They broke your heart? Doesn’t matter here. They leaked yours? Look up the revenge porn laws in your state or country and get ‘em that way if you can, or out them as an untrustworthy septic sore of an amoeba. Those photos were sent to you and you alone, with an expectation and understanding of privacy. There is no situation that permits you to share them without the person’s consent. None. Ever. Full stop end of discussion. Doing so has very Very real world consequences to both the person in the shots and you. You are outing yourself as someone who is untrustworthy who should be avoided at all costs AND you open yourself up to increasingly common legal repercussions. Just don’t do it. No matter how hot the photo or how badly they hurt you.

Now that we’ve got the rules out of the way we’ll get into the nitty gritty of how to sext. Sexting is basically dirty talk that you don’t have to actually say out loud, so it is excellent practice for someone who is too shy to actually verbally say “I want to suck you”. You can be stammering and blushing and nervous, but still sound sexy and confident in text form. Plus, minus the occasional autocorrect helpfully changing fuck to duck, there’s no mishearing someone or missing what they said. Which makes sexting perfect for someone like me who is partially deaf, or who has an audio processing disorder, who wouldn’t normally get anything out of dirty talk. That makes sexting a disability friendly way to be sexual!

The easiest way to start sexting is with a partner you’ve already been physical with. This is much easier because you already have an idea of what they like and can work that in. Saying “I wish I could do x to you again right now” is enough to get their brain going because they know exactly what that feels like with you and have memories to draw from. It gives you a platform to jump off of. It gives you the chance to build a fantasy rooted in reality. Memories of touch, smell, taste, all give your sexting a boost.

This is not to say that sexting is limited to people you’ve already been physical with. It's a low stakes way to discover if you’re compatible with someone. Maybe you don’t see them often, and this way no one needs to risk STIs to discover your partner thinks foreplay is boring or optional. It does mean going slower and being more descriptive since your partner does not have memories to draw from to fill in the blanks. So instead of “I want to kiss your neck” you may need to do more along the lines of “I want to kiss you right where your jawline meets your throat. I want to pepper it with light feather kisses, just barely enough for you to feel them, before nibbling right under your ear.” It is imperative you fully paint that picture with a partner who has never felt you do that to them before, since that’s what’s going to get the blood going. If you’re stuck for phrases? Try reading erotic fiction and take note what images and wording feels sexy to you, and work on folding that into your messages. You may sound silly at first, sure, but the more you do it the hotter it’ll be and the easier the words will come.

Remember, sexting is all taking place in your partners’ heads. So the more details you can give them, the better the picture will be. Try to incorporate all the senses as much as you can. Instead of just saying what you’re wearing, describe how it feels against your skin. Talk about how your pillow smells like their shampoo, and what that makes you think about and remember. If you’re role playing oral sex or kissing different body parts don’t just talk about how or where you lick or suck, mention how salty their skin tastes from sweat, or how the taste of their juices linger on your tongue and how much you love it, talk about the feel of their pulse under your lips when you kiss their throat or wrists. Mention the sounds you’re making when they tell you where they want to touch, gasps and moans and groans can be just as hot spelled out as they are to say.

Don’t get off and log off. Make sure your partner gets as much out of sexting as you did. Just like in person it’s rude for you to get what you want and then leave your partner high and dry. Tell your partner when you're finished, and then let the conversation wind down rather than end abruptly. Just like you would if you were together. Make sure to thank your partner, since that’s just good manners.

A question I’ve gotten about sexting in the past is “Is sexting cheating?” Well, that depends on your relationship. For some people yes, Yes it is. For others the answer is no. I’m willing to bet you had a gut punch reaction to that question in the first place, so we’ll go through the justifications for each answer. The main takeaway here though is that if you’re in a relationship you need to ask your partner if they consider sexting cheating before you do it with anyone else.

Yes sexting is cheating:

You are having an intimate and potentially emotional encounter with someone else. You are expressing desire for someone other than the person you’re with, and this can be very hurtful if not discussed first! If you have any insecurities about desires your partner has, say you’re uncomfortable with impact play and find out they’ve been role playing getting beaten with a stranger online, it can make you feel like you’re not enough. Or like you’re failing your partner somehow. This isn’t the case, but it can certainly feel a lot like rejection, and that’s a very valid emotional response.

No sexting is not cheating:

Sexting is basically harmless. You’re not actually meeting someone in person, you’re not putting your partner’s physical health in danger by risking STIs or pregnancy. It’s just a way to blow off steam. Especially if you and your partner have mismatched libidos. It’s a safe way to get that sexual itch scratched without having to physically involve another person. It can allow you to get the novelty and excitement of sex with other people without resorting to sneaking around behind your partners’ backs, or having to have a full on negotiation on if this new person would be a good partner for you. For some people sexting is just an extension of friendly flirting, there’s no emotional attachment to it and it’s just another way of bonding with someone.

Even if you are monogamous, honestly especially if you are monogamous since these kinds of relationship talks end up getting seen as optional in monogamy, you need to talk to your partner and figure out if sexting is cheating within the bounds of your relationship. Before either of you sexts someone new. Before there is even someone else you want to sext with. Make sure you’re not going to hurt your loved ones just to have fun. After you do that? Have at.

That’s it for today. Until next time class have fun, and be safe.

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Welcome back class. Today we talk about sexting! A way of sexual expression only available because of the internet and cell phones.

As always donations to keep class in session are happily accepting via paypal at Paypal.Me/MsMhari Or through my still on going GoFundMe at https://www.gofundme.com/f/finishing-school-a-reality?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link-tip&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet

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Welcome back class, I hope you enjoyed our extended break and did your homework. Given that you’re all back in your seats and appear to have survived all of the holidays between Early December and Valentine’s day I’d say you did. Let’s start this school year with a more fun topic than we ended last year on. Today we’re going to talk about flirting.

Nononono don’t panic! We’ve got this. I know flirting is Terrifying, and something that we all wish we were better at. Even I, your instructor, flat out suck at flirting. My personal default is “oh no, an attractive human. If they find out I think they’re cute The World Will End” this means I spend the rest of the time I Could be flirting with and getting to know that person avoiding them like the plague until they’re convinced I hate them, only to be very confused when I get sick of my own shit and ask them on a date out of nowhere. I’m very suave. So take all of this with a hefty pinch of salt, except for the bits where I explain when to back off. Those are pretty universal and no one likes a pushy creep.

Regardless of what any pick up artist book, website, or creep is going to tell you there is no guaranteed flawless method to flirt or determine if someone is flirting. Researchers at the University of Kansas in 2014 found that people literally can not tell when someone is flirting with them. I’ll link the article in the description of this lecture, but basically they had 50 some odd pairs of self-identitifed cisgender heterosexual people come in for what they thought was a study on first impressions. Afterwards they asked the participants to fill out a questionnaire where one of the questions was “did you flirt” and another was “did the other person flirt with you?” I hate to tell you but folks who identified as women were only 38% accurate in identifying when male identifying folks flirted with them, whereas male identifying folks were 66% accurate at ID’ing when the female identifying people flirted. Women were more transparent than men apparently. And no, wingpeople did not help any. As of yet I have not found a study using queer folks. Get on that science.

So how do we get better at it? And why do we do it in the first place?

Let’s look at why we flirt before trying to tackle how to get better at it, since understanding the why of something tends to make the how easier. Flirting is something we do to signal interest and availability, and build bonds. Some people are utterly shameless flirts because it’s fun for them and the people they’re flirting with, and it helps them build stronger and more playful friendships. Other people flirt, or try to flirt, only with potential romantic partners. Flirting is a social play behavior. So if we approach it as low stakes play we’ll be much better off than if we put all the pressure of a “successful” romantic encounter on it.

Flirting is also an important low stakes way to determine a potential partner’s interest. In particular if you fall outside of the cishet label. This is, to me, the most daunting kind of flirting. It’s also a trope. When I told my adopted mother about freezing up when cute human flirted at me, a cute human I’d already decided I wanted to give my number to but didn’t when they signaled interest, she patted me on the head and told me it was just my Bi acting up.

So how, exactly, do we get better at it? Practice. I’m going to tell you some things to watch for and try, and some good general signs of interest, but you’re only going to know for sure by trying things, and practicing, and getting shot down. A lot. But flirting is a skill like any other and as Edison is credited as saying “I did not fail, I just found 10,000 ways not to make a lightbulb”.

Some things to watch for are eye contact, and body language. Lets play through a scenario.

Say you’re at a gathering of people, be it a party at a friend’s place, or a concert, or a bar, or a bookstore, where ever, and out of the corner of your eye you see A Cute and/or Interesting Human. They look like someone you’d like to get to know better and for some reason you can’t stop looking over at them.

Then they catch you looking. Now is the moment to determine if they are up for flirting. Do they close off their body language to you? Ie do they turn away, tilt their head down with their chin tilted away from you, stiffen up? Do they focus on their book/phone/something in their hands and pull it up a bit to make it obvious that’s what they’re doing? All of these are signs of Nope. Do not approach or engage. I don’t care how cute they are, they do not want your attention, respect this and move on.

But! Do they smile a little bit? Maybe look down but keep their chin tilted slightly towards you? Do they also keep glancing at you? Have they turned a little to face you? Did they lower whatever it is they’re holding or doing to appear more approachable? These are all signs you can risk it and go say hello.

You decide to move closer. For all things holy skip pick up lines. Just go with ‘hello’ and ask if you can join them. If they say ‘no’ or their body language tenses up and they look uncomfortable, respect this and move on. If they say yes now you can bring up something you noticed about them. Preferably something they have control over. So skip the compliments about eyes or figure or how hot they are for now, go with something like their shirt or hairstyle or the book they’re reading if it’s something you’ve also read or an author you’re familiar with.

Something they have control over gives more conversational options. For example I have green hair, so complimenting it and asking why green gives me a chance to explain that green is my favorite color and you have the option to chime in with yours ect. If you try to compliment something they have no control over, ie “wow your eyes are so brown” or “nice ass”, it doesn’t leave any room to really go anywhere other than an awkward “thanks”. On top of that it makes you look like you’re not really interested in Them and their style or taste but just, ya know, getting in their pants.

Don’t get me wrong here, there is nothing wrong with flirting towards casual sex! Casual sex can be fun and its own reward and Finishing School has no place for slut shaming. However you’re more likely to succeed in ever sleeping with someone if you’re interested in them as a person. Show that you pay attention to the message they’re sending out and I promise you’ll have a better shot. Not a promise you’ll go home with them since that is never a guarantee, but it will up your chances.

So now you’ve successfully engaged in conversation with Cute Human. Here’s the hard part, Talk To Them. And I don’t mean “what’s your sign” or “how do you like your eggs in the morning?” Talk to them like a human. Explore mutual interests, ask about other interests or hobbies they may have. If this sounds a lot like “make friends with them” that’s because it is. You’re trying to form a connection and mutual interest.

If your flirting is going well you’ll notice a shift in body language. You’ll turn towards each other and focus on the other person more than the surroundings. This is a non-verbal cue to the rest of the room/party/people nearby that you are both engaged and it would be rude to step in. If the other person isn’t turning more towards you, or keeps looking away at the rest of the room or their watch/book/phone/ect then gracefully exit. They’re not interested. If you were wrong and they Are interested they will interrupt your exit or seek you out again.

Now if they’ve been receptive and chatty and friendly with you then you can do things like mention you think they’re cute, ask them if they want to go get coffee, or ask to exchange numbers. If you read the signs right then they’ll exchange contact information or agree to coffee. If not then let them know it was nice getting to know them and gracefully exit. You want to make sure you make your intentions clear here, the last thing you want is a mismatched idea of what this all means. If you think they’re fun and you want a friend, let them know you’d like to hang out more and do things. If you really Really want them as a partner make it clear the coffee you’ve asked them to is a date. Remember class, consent is informed or it is not consent.

What about casual touch in flirting? You know, the hand on the knee, let-me-get-that-eyelash-for-you, hands touching stuff? In cishet flirting there is a script that generally means the female presenting flirt friend initiates that. It’s a signal that she doesn’t see the male presenting flirt friend as a threat and feels safe enough to allow touch. There is no real script when it comes to literally any other kind of flirting. Ergo my general rule for any flirt when it comes to touch is “allow the approached person to initiate”. If you walked across the room to this person let them be the one to brush your knee, or put their hand on yours. They already know you’re interested, you approached them. Let them show you they feel comfortable and safe enough with you to allow the increase in intimacy.

Now if you are the approached person and you go in for a touch and they pull back, or say no, or otherwise act uncomfortable, apologize. Nothing huge or dramatic, just an ‘oh, sorry!’ and ending the touch will do just fine. It’s not the end of the world, you misjudged either the situation or the timing, it happens. Either keep chatting with them if they stick around or allow them to withdraw and move on.

There are some things to absolutely avoid when flirting in person. You never want to corner someone. Always leave the person you’re flirting with an escape route if they become uncomfortable and need to leave. We’re not predators, they’re not prey, they’re allowed to leave and you need to make sure they don’t feel otherwise. Don’t touch someone unexpectedly or as an opening salvo. I promise you touching the cute human’s arm, waist, or back, won’t help them hear you any better. If you’re worried they don’t know you’re there then wait until you know they can see you approaching. If you feel like you need to touch a stranger for attention then you’re not starting from a good position to flirt and are going to come across as creepy.

So now how do we flirt where most of us are meeting people nowadays? AKA how do I flirt online? There are no body language cues. Well online can actually be a lot easier depending on your comfort with words. Most of the rules are the same, except for a few key differences.

When flirting online you are sending an opening message to A Cute Human. Behave as you would in public. Do you take clothing off to flirt in public? No. Ergo your opening salvo should never contain photos of genitalia. That’s the same thing as flashing someone, which is considered sexual assault. Do not do it.

In your opening message you should say hello and mention something in their profile or photos you found interesting, just like you would if you saw them across the room. If they reply? Great! Talk to them like a human just like you would in person. Only better because text means you have time to think about what you want to say in reply instead of just blurting out the first thing that comes to mind.

What happens if they don’t reply? Class, no reply is an answer. It means they are not interested. It does not mean you send them a bunch of other messages or hunt them down on other platforms and try there. It does not mean you get angry at them and send them messages insulting or threatening them. I know being ignored sucks, trust me I’ve done my time in the “seen” with no reply hellscape. I get it. I’m living there currently. But hounding the other person or threatening them isn’t going to do a damn thing beyond make them realize they dodged a bullet and tell their friends and coworkers about this creepy asshole who won’t leave them alone. And you’re all in class because you don’t want to be creepy assholes.

If the person you’re talking to online is responding quickly, or letting you know when they’re not going to be able to reply for a while, that’s a good sign of interest. Just like in person you can ask to meet up for coffee or something when you feel like you’re both comfortable. If they say no or stop replying you misjudged the situation and that’s ok. It happens. Let them go without being a creepy asshole about it. If they agree to a date then follow the suggestions for in person flirting.

But Ms. Mhari! When do I get the nudes? Or send them? Class, nudes fall under sexting, not flirting. There is quite a bit of crossover but sexting is going to be its own lecture. Suffice to say, for now, that if you have any doubt about the person on the other end wanting nudes, ie they have not asked for them, Do. Not. Send. Them. If the person you’re talking to has not indicated or hinted at willingness to share them Do. Not. Request. Them. And never do so as an opening move, as I mentioned before that’s sexual assault.

Remember, we all suck at flirting, science has proved it! So don’t beat yourself up if you misjudge a situation and don’t end up getting the response you’d wanted or hoped for. It happens to all of us.

That’s it for this lecture class. Welcome to a new school year.

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Welcome class, to the second school year! I hope you all enjoyed the long break. Lets get back into the groove of things.

Here is the link to an article about the study I mention in the lecture: https://news.ku.edu/2014/06/03/flirting-hard-detect-study-finds

Also on useful links, I am raising funds to get my certification to be a real life in person sex and relationship coach. So if you find this podcast useful, and want me to be able to make a full time job of this kind of work, kindly visit this GoFundMe and toss in a dollar or two. gf.me/u/xj8iqw

If you dislike GoFundMe (there are valid reasons why!) as always here is my paypal: Paypal.Me/MsMhari

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Welcome back, class. In this lecture we’re going to get kind of meta. We’re going to talk about communication. What is effective, what’s really not, and how to go from one to the other. We’ve touched on communication before, in both Jealousy, and Hard Conversations, but now it’s time to look at it on its own. Whole books have been written on this subject, so this short podcast episode is by no means exhaustive, but it’s a start.

Communication is, at its heart, the act of conveying what is in your head to another living thing. Talking, writing, drawing, signing, etc are all trying to get across a concept from your head to someone else’s. Relationships live or die by their communication. If you can not communicate with your friends and loved ones you can’t convey your needs, or your understanding of theirs, or your appreciation of them, or accept their appreciation of you.

100% complete and accurate communication is, ultimately, impossible.

Wait, what?

It’s true. You will never, no matter how hard you try, be able to convey precisely what you mean to someone else. This is because we all filter everything we see, hear, and read through our own life experiences. Someone who has had gifts tied to being abused will feel hesitant and uncomfortable if you give them something unexpected, whereas you tie getting gifts to things like birthdays or happy childhood memories for example. We can never fully remove these filters, but we can try to mitigate the misunderstandings they cause.

There is a school of thought that, so long as everyone involved is communicating the same way, all styles of communication are equal. If both people are passive communicators, preferring to deal in hints and insinuations rather than outright asking for what they’d like, then they’re likely to understand each other just as well as people who are direct communicators.

While I can see the argument, how do you know how the other person communicates without screwing up a bunch of times? If you are a direct communicator your friend saying “wouldn’t it be nice to visit the little book shop on flower street?” means just that. It seems like a nice place to go. Whereas to the passive communicator that’s asking to go there with you. They assume you understood, you assume you did too, but you both get different meanings. Then six months later your friend is crying that you never listen to or support them, and you’re confused because you were sure you had been.

So let’s talk communication styles, love languages, and apology languages. This will help you recognize them in the people you’re communicating with, and be able to get through to them more effectively.

There are two main communication styles; passive and direct. I’m not going to beat around the bush here. Direct is better. But we’re going to talk about both regardless. We’ll start with passive.

Passive communication relies on hints, insinuations, and subtle manipulation. It requires the other party to read between the lines to pick up on what you don’t say in order to get your meaning. So leaving a magazine open to a page talking about weddings of the rich and famous, rather than outright discussing marriage. Or talking about how Monica and Cam just moved in together, even though they’ve been together much less time than you and your partner. Or mentioning the month your birthday is in and how much you love seafood.

This sort of communication is tempting. For many of us it’s a survival technique. Outright asking for something can be seen as greedy, or impolite, so it’s better to just hope whomever you’re talking to gets the picture without you having to outright say it. Or in an abusive situation it’s easier to hint and hope the other person feels like they came up with the idea on their own.

The biggest problem with passive communication is the inevitability of misunderstanding and hurt. You may feel like you are being painfully clear when you tell your sister in law you wish you had a year off from hosting Thanksgiving dinner, but she doesn’t offer to take it over. This feels like rejection, like she is ignoring your needs and just expecting you to continue doing it even though she knows it’s hard on you. Except she doesn’t know. Because you didn’t tell her, or ask her to take it over. You made a wistful statement that didn’t actually ask for anything from her.

So how do we remove that? Direct communication. Say exactly what you mean, what you want, no hints, no deflecting, and tell your friends and family that this is what you will respond to. And then the hard part, do that. Don’t take hints, respond exactly to what was said, not the subtext, and tell them exactly what you mean. This is difficult and relies a lot on you willing to be vulnerable and remove your ability to hide behind subtext. There is a long learning curve here too if you’re used to communicating passively. It takes a lot of practice to get comfortable just saying what you need or want, especially for folks who are femme presenting or were raised with passive communication styles. But it is worth it in the end, trust me. I’ve spent years getting here.

Wait, what about love languages? And their less talked about counterpart apology languages? Aren’t these indirect forms of communication?

Yes. Yes they are. But they are only trying to communicate one of two things: I appreciate you OR I messed up and I’m sorry. Which means there’s very little room for misunderstanding provided you know what language the other person speaks.

So lets go over these. The different love languages are:

Verbal:

This is the easiest to recognize. Someone tells you that they love you, care about you, ect. This is also includes things like “get there safe” “did you remember to eat?” ect.

Gifts:

This is when someone expresses their affection by giving things. Think coffee, or flowers, or the the little trinket that made them think of you.

Service:

Expressing care by doing things. Changing your oil, doing the dishes, running that errand you hate, making dinner. It’s doing things without being asked.

Touch:

Physical touch. Someone expressing care by hand holding, or sharing close physical space. Think a cat, when they like you they want to be near you.

And last but not least Time:

This one is the hardest to quantify because it’s the hardest to see. But it’s making time for you, or making things for you. Time is precious, we’re all pressed for it, so this person’s way of expressing care is to give you a lot of theirs.

It’s important to understand not only which one you speak, but which one those around you speak. If your love language is service, but your partner uses time, you may both be feeling like the other doesn’t care about you. The easiest way to understand is, you guessed it class, directly communicating “I express care by doing things for you unasked. How do you express care?”

Now for apology languages. It’s important to learn what language the person you’re apologizing to favors, since them understanding is more important than your intention when it comes to apologies.

These are:

-Expressing regret:
“I am sorry.”

-Accepting responsibility:
“I made a mistake.”

-Making restitution:

“Can I make this up to you? If so how?”

-Repentening:

“I will not do that again, I’ve learned better.”

-Requesting forgiveness:
“Can you forgive me?”

I’ve found for most people a good apology includes multiple elements, but it is vital to understand which one will speak most to the person you’ve hurt. And if you’ve hurt several people your apology will need to encompass every kind of apology language to cover all your bases. Remember, no matter what your apology language it needs to come with actual sincerity and a determined attempt not to do the harmful thing again. You can’t just say sorry, or buy flowers, or ask for forgiveness, then do the same thing. That’s not how effective apologies work.

So given that I started this lecture with ‘perfect communication is impossible’ lets talk about what to do when you inevitably screw up. Because everyone screws up, no matter how careful they are.

When told ‘hey that hurt me’ or ‘this could have been said better’ the first step is to stomp on that little voice in your head that wants to defend your actions and take a look at why the other person is telling you this.

Did you say something that has implications you didn’t consider/hadn’t thought of?

Are they coming from a life experience where what you’re saying is harmful?

Did you say something that is actively harmful and just thought you’d get away with it?

Or (least likely): are they just an asshole?

Let’s start with the least likely option: they are just an asshole.

This only really comes into play when they are on the higher end of a power differential. For example a woman saying “men are trash” and a man nearby responding with “not all men”. Or “black lives matter” / “All lives or blue lives matter” or Pride vs “straight pride”. The person responding in hurt is having a part of themselves that they don’t normally have to think about or be aware of challenged by someone who doesn’t have the luxury to not take it into consideration. They’re used to being the default, and it’s uncomfortable to be reminded that default is not the only setting. The best course of action here is to just say “ok” and keep doing what you’re doing. You don’t owe them an education in power differences, they can google that shit.

Did you say something that has implications you didn’t consider/hadn’t thought of?

It happens. Thank the person for pointing it out, apologize, and try to do better next time now that you know better.

Are they coming for a life experience where what you’re saying is harmful?

Look at the person who called you out on your view. Did you use a word that has been used as a slur against part of their identity to describe something? For a relatively low stakes example, did you call your boss batshit in front of someone who is mentally ill? This is a call to look at your language and figure out where the words you use to insult things actually come from. Trust me, language is fluid. You can find words to express just how utterly, unbelievably, incomprehensible something is without insulting folks around you by making them the butt of the joke.

Did you say something you knew was harmful and think you’d get away with it?

Just apologize. You know you did wrong, don’t hide behind “I was joking” or “lighten up”. You knew it was inappropriate and the person calling you out has every right to do so.

Because perfect communication is effectively impossible it is not the goal. The goal is mutual understanding, without causing unintentional harm. I won’t say ‘without causing harm’ because sometimes someone just needs a verbal smack down and those always hurt, but you should be striving for communication that makes your intentions known and understood, without causing collateral damage.

That’s all for this lecture class. Until next time, have fun and stay safe.

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Lets get meta and talk about talking. In this lecture we'll look at love languages, apology languages, and direct vs passive communication.

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Welcome back class. Today’s lecture is on Jealousy. Yes we’re doing a deep dive and tackling one of the most feared entities in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Hopefully today’s lecture can start taking the teeth from the green eyed monster and help you learn how to cope with, and defuse, jealous reactions. Several of you will not care for this lecture, but just because you don’t want to hear it, doesn’t mean you don’t have to.

So let’s start with figuring out what jealousy is exactly. Jealousy is not an emotion unto itself, but rather a collection of unpleasant sensations resulting from a variety of sources. It’s that sick feeling in your stomach when someone you care about does something you don’t like. This can be someone you care about positively doing something you’re not involved in (ie a friend talking about the great time they had with someone else when you weren’t there) or someone you care about negatively having something positive happen to them (your incompetant coworker getting a promotion instead of you for example).

As I mentioned last class jealousy is a check engine light. It’s an indicator rather than a problem unto itself, and the underlying cause needs to be found before it can be dealt with. Ignoring the check engine light, or resetting the dash to make it go away doesn’t fix the problem that triggered it in the first place. Jealousy is always trying to signal an unmet want, it may not always be a reasonable want, but it’s unmet all the same.

Jealousy is always yours to deal with. Not, and I can not stress this enough, the fault of the person who set it off. Nor is it their responsibility to cater to it or “fix” it. You are allowed to feel your emotions, but you need to always remember that they are Yours. And much like a puppy, if it’s yours then its your job to clean up after it if it poops on the rug and apologize to people about the smell.

This runs counter to a lot of popular media claiming jealousy is healthy, and your right as someone’s partner, and shenningans like “friendzone”, or feeling entitled to prevent your partner from having friends of the genders they’re attracted to. None of this is ok. It treats another person as if you own them or their time and attention, and you do not. People are not things.

Let’s go back to jealousy signaling an unmet need and explore that a little bit more to try and help get in the habit of ferreting out the root cause. To do this we’re going to look at some common jealousy triggers, and drill down to what is actually causing them to go off.

Jealousy Trigger One: Friends the Genders Your Love is Attracted to.

Your beloved’s bestie is the same gender you are. They’re constantly texting, chatting online, tagging each other in memes, going out for dinner or drinks or to see the game. They know everything about each other, they have no secrets and the easy intimacy built on years of trust. Your sweetie tells you that they’re going and spending the night at Bestie’s. All you can picture is them cheating on you, you know deep in your soul that you’re temporary and any day sweetie and bestie could decide to acknowledge the obvious and just get together and toss you out.

It feels reasonable to be jealous here. To tell your sweetie they have to limit their time and communication with bestie, because if they really loved you they wouldn’t spend all this time with them. We see this reinforced all the time in media and hell, even our most well meaning friends can make it worse by pointing out juuuuust how much time sweetie and bestie are together, and “don’t you think they’re a little...close?”

So what is jealousy telling us here? What is the root cause and unmet need? Most commonly, that I’ve seen anyway, is the desire to be the only important (insert gender here) in your partner’s life. The only one that they need to lean on and are emotionally intimate with. Because we get told over and over and over that when you are in a romantic relationship that’s how it’s supposed to work.

But here’s the thing: your partner is a full human without you. Their bestie is only a threat to your relationship if you treat them like it. Putting your love in a position where they feel like they have to choose between you and their bestie does not end well for anyone. Try making plans while your partner is busy with their bestie. Try to include their friend in some of the more public things you do, like weekly dinner or going to the zoo, and in return, talk to your partner about setting up regular friend free date nights. One night a week, or month whatever works for you folks, where you turn off your phones, leave the computer alone, and just have time with the two of you.

You’ll find that the more relaxed you get about your partner and their bestie being emotionally intimate the more you show to your partner that they can trust you, and the more they’ll trust you with. Also you may find that you like their bestie and value their friendship too.

Jealousy Trigger Two: Plans that don’t involve you

Your friend threw a party and invited a bunch of mutual friends but either didn’t invite you or you couldn’t go. Now you’re seeing all the pictures and happy memories and you feel left out. Why didn’t you go? Why did they still do this without you? Don’t they value you? Did they miss you at all?

This one is rough. It’s unreasonable to ask your friends to only ever get together when you can be involved. Or to never hang out with people without considering your feelings on it first. So let’s get down to the nitty gritty of why you’re jealous here. Being left out makes people feel disposable rather than vital. And no one wants to feel disposable.

Take initiative and invite people over if possible, or make concrete plans elsewhere if not. Set up friend dates. Don’t fall victim to “if they cared about me they’d invite me”. Actively invite them places. And recognize that most of the time it isn’t about you. They may want to do something they know you don’t enjoy, or can’t make it to for scheduling reasons, or want to see another friend you actively dislike. The only way you can guarantee that you’re going to be invited to something your friends are doing is if you plan it.

Jealousy Trigger Three: Your partner is getting Attention

Your sweetie is attractive. You are well aware of this fact. But sometimes other people notice. And you notice them noticing. And there it is, that spark of jealousy. Your honey shouldn’t have worn that top. Or those pants. You shouldn’t have gone to this club. If that person stares at your beloved one more time you’re going to scream or punch them.

Stop.

What is the unmet want here? What is the fear? Do you feel like you get to be the only one who finds your sweetheart attractive? Are you worried that they’ll get swept off their feet by random club goer number 32 and you’ll lose them? Why is that? Generally this one boils down to possessiveness. The idea that your sweetheart is yours. This is something you need to confront because it runs counter to the “people are not things” maxiem. You can’t own a person, nor can you own other peoples’ reactions to that person. It also shows a lack of trust that your partner will actively choose you when presented with other options. If this last one is the fear that you have, and the root cause of why you see red when someone else notices your partner, you have some soul searching to do to sort out why you have this concern.

Your beloved came with you. They will, unless you cause a scene in public that makes them pour you into a cab early for ruining their night, go home with you. Breathe, smirk, and go dance with the hottie you get to go home with, knowing you’re the envy of at least one other person there.

Jealousy Trigger 4: You got what I want

I’m going to cover a lot in this one, so I’m leaving it vague on purpose. This category encompasses things like someone else getting the promotion you wanted, or the person you have a crush on dating someone else or even just refusing to date you. This is the category where the unmet wants is blatantly obvious, and the actual root cause.

So how do we deal with this category? Well, it’s simple to say and hard to implement. You need to actively remember that you are not entitled to things or people you want, just because you want them and feel you deserve them. That’s what every other bit of advice and coping skill for this trigger boils down to.

You are not entitled to your crush’s affection just because you find them attractive.

You are not entitled to that promotion just because you want the title/money/hours that come with it.

You are not entitled to (insert what someone else got) just because you wanted it, even if you worked for it or tried to get it.

This hurts. And it’s hard. And it’s something no one, even me, ever wants to hear. But ultimately that’s the truth of it. And the only way to really work with this kind of jealousy is to constantly remind yourself of it and sit with it and let it pass. Notice how I said “sit and let it pass” not “sit and stew”. Dwelling on the want you can’t have, and how unfair it is that you didn’t get it, is how we end up with toxic ideas like “friendzoning” and reinforces senses of entitlement. And we all have seen the news stories that show where that road goes. Don’t go down that path.

Class, jealousy is inevitable. It’s natural and it happens. Anyone who claims otherwise gets a healthy dose of side eye. What matters isn’t that you never feel jealous, but rather how you handle it. Take a minute to stop, breathe, and figure out what is reasonable and what is not based on the idea of “people are not things”. Before you react. This will go a long way to building stronger relationships built on trust and respect. It will help the other people involved know they can talk to you, and that you will talk to them, instead of either letting something fester or demanding control of them.

It is not reasonable to expect your friends and romantic partners to contort themselves into whatever shape will keep you from feeling uncomfortable about their lives and choices. It is unreasonable to expect them to put their own needs on hold in order to keep you from becoming jealous. You do not possess them, you are not entitled to their lives on that level.

It is reasonable to talk to them. To explain that X thing makes you feel jealousy because of Y unmet want. And then, with them, figure out a way to get that want met if possible within the bounds of treating them like a full and complete person and not a thing. “I want alone time/regular dates with you because I get jealous that Other Person/Job gets so much of your undivided attention” is reasonable. “I never want you to see or talk to Other Person again/quit your Job because I am jealous of how much of your time they get” is not. One invites the other person to maintain their autonomy while outlining how to meet your need; the other treats them like a thing you have control over.

One of the hardest socializations to break is the idea that possessive jealousy is the same as love. It is not. It is treating another human as a thing. Having to contort your life to keep someone else from having to confront their own emotional needs is not a healthy relationship, whether that be romantic or otherwise. Why is this? Because class this is a never ending spiral down. The more you keep someone from having to confront their own discomfort, the more they will resist doing that work and the more of the emotional load of the relationship you take on. This is not to say that you should never consider your partners’ or friends’ feelings, you should. You should absolutely talk to them if you think what’s about to happen might be a major jealousy trigger. However they do not get final say on if you proceed. Take feelings into consideration in your decision, but remember it is ultimately your decision, not theirs.

If you struggle with identifying the root causes of your jealousies, consider therapy with a qualified professional to work on changing your internal script from “I am jealous, you must change” to “Why am I jealous? What do I need, and is there a way to get it without treating the other person like a thing?”

Remember, it is never ok to demand your partner change who they associate with or what activities they do, just to keep you comfortable.

That’s all for this lecture class. Until next time, have fun and stay safe.

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Welcome back class, today we're going to tackle Jealousy.

As always if you would like to donate to keep this podcast up and running the place to do that is FinishingSchoolWithMsMhari@Gmail.com via paypal. This is also the email to use for suggested content.

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Welcome back class. For our fifth lecture we are going to tackle some of the most common mistakes couples make when they’re thinking about opening their relationship up to non-monogamy, and how to avoid them. This will not be a particularly comfortable class for some of you, as, like I said these are common errors and temptations, but it is vital. We will be doing deep dives on some of these topics, both for the purposes of non-monogamy and for monogamous relationships, as well as friendships. So today is by no means comprehensive, just touching on them as they relate to opening up from a couple. So lets dive in.

The overarching theme to this whole lecture, and the one thing I want you to take away if nothing else sticks, is that people are not things. This will come up a lot. There will be a test at the end. This is the correct answer. Make note.

The most common error couples new to poly make? Trying to protect their existing relationship from any outsiders. This generally takes the form of rules, or the expectation that they’ll only date together as a package deal. This does not work. Non-monogamy takes trust. Absolute trust. And very clear communication. That is all that will protect your existing relationship. If you feel like you have to outline rules for people who are not even in the picture yet, otherwise you’ll lose your partner? You are not in a mental or emotional place to be poly.

Now I’m not talking about health based rules like ‘barriers will be used unless otherwise discussed with all relevant partners, not just the two considering fluid bonding’ or ‘the mortgage gets paid before there’s a budget for dates’. Those are fine, common sense, basic rules that should be agreed to before anything else happens. That’s just responsible. No. The rules I’m talking about are the ones that treat potential new partners like a toy without agency or their own relationship needs. Things like ‘you will never be allowed to have another partner live with us’ or ‘you can’t spend the night’. Those are Not. Ok.

But why?

Because class, people are not things. Your potential new partner is someone with their own life, needs, desires, and goals. And if you’re going to add them to your life then you need to understand, accept, and make room for that. This is another human. Not a doll you can program to fit exactly in the space that keeps you and your existing partner comfortable.

There are a couple common and specific rules I want to call out here. The first being we’ll try it but if one of us gets uncomfortable with the other person dating we’ll just go back to being monogamous. Much like having a baby, deciding to try poly is adding a new person into your life. You don’t do that on a whim just to try it out. There is no halfway poly, you’re either doing it for as long as the new relationship you’re adding lasts on its own, or you’re not doing it at all. You can agree to not take on new partners if you don’t like poly, but you don’t get to demand your partner leave their existing ones.

The second is they’ll date us both! We are a package deal! This class is called unicorn hunting for a reason. Throw logic at this for a hot second. You’re expecting to find a single person, who will be attracted to both of you equally, for an equally long time, and if they develop feelings for one of you over the other they’ll be tossed out and lose both their relationships. And if you’re expecting them to only date the two of you they may be losing everything just because they are more attracted to one of you, or gets into a fight with the other. This is coercive and frankly an unattractive arrangement. They can’t have the freedom to decide their own romantic or sexual life or partners, you’ve decided it for them. And that’s Not Ok. That removes their ability to consent, to be honest in their communication, and honestly gets more than a little rapey if you’re requiring sex always happens with both of you.

A good basic rule of thumb: if you personally would not date someone under the rules you are making, if that person had made them with their best friend before you came along? They are shitty rules. Read your rule aloud and pretend you are monogamous and on a first date with someone cute.

“I really like you! Before we can date though you have to understand that my best friend comes first. So to keep them from feeling threatened you can never go on a date with just me, it’ll always be both of us. You can’t ever ask to live with me since they’re my roommate. We can’t ever go to that cute little italian place downtown because that’s where my best friend and I go. Oh! And best friend gets to dictate what sexual positions we use and how long we get to date. Oh and if my bestie and I decide we’re just not actually comfortable with this whole dating thing? I’m just going to dump you.”

Did that feel uncomfortable? Did you want to run from the cafe? Are you planning on telling your friends about the weirdo dating bullet you just dodged? Yeah, welcome to what you’re offering someone else. Why on earth would they take that?

It feels scary to drop the idea of rules. It feels flat out terrifying. But non-monogamy is a leap of faith, it’s a new relationship. And, just like your current monogamous one? It needs space to grow and change and evolve into the form your relationship with that person will take. Or your ` partners’ relationship with their other partners will take. If you can’t handle that? Don’t add someone else to your life right now. It’s not fair to them.

Next mistake I see a lot of? Veto.

Class, I’m going to be personal and honest with you. I will not date someone if the couple has a veto clause. Veto is the ability to tell your partner that they need to break up with their other partner. Sometimes a reason has to be given, other times not. But in essence a veto clause is asking a potential partner to submit to the whimsey of a third party on how long their relationship lasts. And that is treating them like a thing without agency, not a person. You’re asking them to give control of their love life to someone they’ve never met before, and trust this person won’t just end it for some random reason or out of spite.

Justifications I’ve heard for veto range from ‘my partner doesn’t see warning signs in new relationships’ through ‘we have a consensual power exchange agreement’ to ‘I’m responsible and veto keeps us safe’. Lets address those three shall we? Starting with ‘veto keeps us safe’. No class. It does not. Veto gives you an excuse to not communicate what is actually wrong to your partner. It gives you an out and a loophole so you don’t actually have to address underlying issues or jealousies. That doesn’t keep you safe. That undermines the foundation of trust your relationship needs to be built on.

Next: consensual power exchange. Excellent, you may have that with your partner and you may both find that mutually fulfilling. It can be a beautiful relationship style. Your partner’s new lover is not in that relationship with you. And forcing them into that kind of relationship as a condition of having a relationship with your mutual partner? Is piss poor and irresponsible BDSM. You don’t get to control a third party as part of your power exchange agreement. You just don’t.

And finally ‘my partner doesn’t see warning signs’. You are not an unbiased observer. How do you know the warning signs you’re seeing and want to protect your love from are actually red flags and not jealousy? Short answer is you don’t. And veto prevents you from having to confront and examine that and cuts right to the easy out of making the discomfort go away. Trust your partner. If you have concerns Talk To Them. Bring up your concerns and listen to your love when they tell you what they’re seeing. Have a talk with everyone, figure out solutions together. All veto does in this case is treat your partner like a child, their other partner like a toy, and you like a toddler who can’t use their words.

Another pitfall that’s fairly common is not discussing relationship structure. Both before someone new is added, and after. Remember lecture two when we did an overview of non-monogamy? And how there were a lot of different styles to it and ways to set it up? You’re not going to be successful if you’re going to this thinking you’re going to have a no holds barred anarchy poly arrangement, but your current partner is assuming a primary/secondary situation. Talk and get an idea of how you both envision this going before you bring someone else on board. That way you also have something to tell your potential new love when they ask what your set up is.

Again, this is not laying out comprehensive rules. This is guidelines for a rough sketch. This is the same as figuring out if you’re looking for casual dates or a committed relationship while you’re single. Having this bit sorted helps people who are not compatible recognize it, and cuts down on hurt later. You need to know what you have on offer before you can offer it to anyone.

Some questions for you and your partner to answer:

Do you want to both know the new partner and try to be close friends? Or does that not matter?

Are you looking for an open or closed arrangement?

Will you be following a primary/secondary structure?

Are you open to someone who is already in another committed relationship?

Do you want another long term partner or are you looking for something more casual?

Do you expect a new partner to talk to you both before they take on any other partners?

After you’ve sorted that out, and found someone else, you need to rehave that conversation with them included and sort out what the three of you agree to going forward. Remember, if the person was not involved in drafting the guidelines, they can not be subject to them. That’s treating them like a thing not a person. After a while of doing this you won’t need the conversation every time you add someone, because you will know how you do poly, know what you offer, and will seek out people who have similar views. It’s just important to lay a good foundation in the beginning.

Finally I want to talk about communication and jealousy. I’m lumping them together for this lecture but each will have its own dedicated lecture in the near future. Right now we’re going to just talk about them as they relate to deciding to open up your relationship.

We’re going to talk communication first, and tackle the green eyed monster last.

The biggest pitfall, bar none, is being unprepared for the sheer amount of communication required to make poly work. In monogamy there are certain assumed constants that generally don’t get discussed. For example if you’re monogamous you don’t generally need to talk about what happens if your husband’s girlfriend gets pregnant. In poly that is a conversation to have. Monogamy doesn’t have to discuss soup and cold medicine rotation among partners if one of them gets sick, or what your kids call their parents’ partners. Or how you introduce your spouse’s lover to your mom. Or if you do.

So how can this work? Class you need to learn direct communication. Dancing around topics, putting them off, or dropping hints, does not work here. Not long term, not clearly. Yes there is a school of thought that so long as everyone involved is using the same communication style, it’s valid. But, leave nothing to chance. Say exactly what you mean, what you want, where your boundaries are. And, and this is important, take your partners’ words at face value. Tell them flat out this is what you are doing, and then do it.

This also means that you can not communicate through someone else. You can’t tell your partner to talk to their partner for you. Don’t play telephone with feelings. If something needs to be said, or planned, or arranged, then you have to be the adult and address it with the other people directly involved. Don’t stick your partner in the middle and make them choose sides or try to speak for someone else’s motives. Talk to the person involved, directly and clearly, and sort it yourself.

When you are just opening up your relationship for the first time, there will be a lot of new and unexpected conversations. It is impossible to lay out all of them since they will depend greatly on you, your partner, and your potential new partner. The important thing is that you can assume nothing, and need to openly talk about everything. As soon as it comes up, you have to be willing to talk about it. If you’re not? Then this just will not work.

Finally for today? Jealousy. A brief look on what almost everyone lists as their biggest hurdle and the motivation behind nearly every other pitfall. Trying to keep jealousy at bay is why we make rules. Can’t get jealous if your partner can’t do any of the things that you identify as jealousy triggers! That’s just logic right?!

Well, no. It’s not.

Try to think of jealousy less as something to be avoided at all costs, and more of a check engine light for your relationship as you explore this. Jealousy is the flashing light of an unmet or unaddressed need, and has to be looked at closely. The best way to explain this here is with an example.

So lets say you’re trying non-monogamy for the first time. Your love has a hot date and they’re primping and nervous and excited. And you’re watching them get dressed and have first date jitters. You’re feeling pretty good, think it’s adorable watching them get ready, you’re giggling at their jitters. Then their date picks them up and gives them that appreciative once over, they smile at you and walk out. Then BOOM there it is. That pit of the stomach, lump in the throat, sensation of jealousy.

The first step to getting over it? Figuring out why it happened. Is it because your partner put forth effort for a date that you haven’t gotten from them in a while? Ask them on a date yourself, and make it clear you want to make it special. Dress up yourself, meet them at the door, and have a grand time.

Is it because they’re out on the town and you’re home alone or with the kids? Look up local clubs or activities you can do and talk to your partner about arranging date night with their new partner on nights you have that going on, or sort out rotating nights if kids are involved so they can parent and you can get out and meet new people.

Is it because you’re feeling neglected and lonely? Talk to your partner and tell them and work out a solution like a standing date night with the two of you, even if that date is making a nice dinner and watching tv together at home.

Jealousy is cruel and tenacious. It tells you about how much better your love is with someone else, how much more fun they’re having, how much sexier and smarter and more attractive this new person is. It tells you that you’re not enough; that your partner has one foot out the door. It whispers in your ear that you need to get a reign on your love before they leave you for this interloper or replacement. This is especially loud when you’re trying poly for the first time.

It is lying class. Your partner chose you. The beautiful thing with non-monogamy is that it means, with all other freely available options, you and your partner keep actively choosing each other. All jealousy tells you here is that there is a conversation to be had, and solutions to be found. Not that you’re doing the wrong thing, or that your partner is, or that this new person is evil.

It’s a warning light. Address it and fix the issue it’s telling you about and it’ll go away.

That’s all for today, class. I’ll see you next time. Until then, have fun and be safe.

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So you've decided to open your previously monogamous relationship up to non-monogamy. Here are some pitfalls you may be tempted to trip into, and how to avoid them.

As always if you have a topic you'd like a lecture on please contact me at FinishingSchoolWithMsMhari@gmail.com.

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Welcome class, Finishing School with Ms. Mhari is back in session. Today’s lecture topic is hard relationship talks. You know, the ones you’re embarrassed or scared to bring up because clearly your partner will hate you forever? Yeah, still need to have those talks. Today we’re going to discuss some of the major fear inducing talks, and go over a few scripts. The goal here is to explain why you need to have these talks, some good basic rules to follow for initiating them, and how to handle them not going the way you’d like.

First we’re going to start out with some good rules of thumb as far as setting and timing. No time or place will ever be perfect, but there are some things to just straight out avoid.

Rule 1: Have these talks sober and clothed.

Don’t put pressure on your partner or potential partner to say yes to something when they are less than composed or their ability to consent is compromised. As much as it may feel easier to bring up some of these topics with a bit of liquid courage, I’m guilty of this too, don’t you want your partner to agree because they actually want the thing you’re talking about? Not just because they’re kinda drunk and it seemed like a good idea? You’re all decent people in this class, so I thought as much.

Rule 2: Have these talks privately.

This is somewhat flexible depending on what the talk is, but we’ll get to exceptions when we get down to example topics. However, you want to avoid putting pressure on your partners to agree to avoid a scene. Femme presenting folks especially have spent most of our lives being conditioned to avoid causing scenes in public if possible. So don’t put your loved one in a position that compromises their ability to give free consent by restricting their ability to comfortably say no.

Rule 3: Figure out the worst case answer for you and make peace with that before bringing the topic up.

Here’s the thing, if you can’t handle the opposite of the answer you want? You should not be asking for the thing in the first place. The other person needs to be able to feel like they can tell you how they honestly feel about something without having to soften it. That means it is on you to know how to cope with and handle rejection with grace. Brace for that before going in and have a plan on how you will process and handle it that does not involve trying to convince your partner they are wrong or badgering them into the answer you want. Your partner is an independent person and allowed to disagree with you.

Rule 4: Know what you want out of the talk.

You need to know what you’re looking for to be able to give your partner all the relevant information for them to decide if they agree with you or not. You need to be able to answer their questions in an intelligent manner, especially if you’re discussing something major such as what your relationship would look like. For example asking someone out and then saying ‘I don’t know’ when asked what being your romantic partner would look like, doesn’t inspire confidence.

You’ll notice a theme in those rules. They all boil down to ‘give your partner space to safely say no’. Remember, Yes in the absence of the ability to give a meaningful No is not consent. Consent Must Be knowingly and freely given, uncoerced, and made with the understanding of what was being asked. Otherwise it is not consent.

So now with that in mind, what do I mean by ‘tough conversations’? I mean things like asking someone out, asking them to marry you, asking them to move in with you, discussing children, discussing kink, discussing relationship changes like alterations to sex life or opening a relationship up. I’m only going to give scripts for a few of these today, mostly because of time constraints.

So let’s start at the beginning: asking someone out.

This. Is. Terrifying.

I’m not going to lie to you. Everything else after this, every other talk, is not stressful to me personally. But asking someone out? Or trying to figure out if I should? This is where I am most tempted to break rule one and have a couple of shots first. I have a crushing fear of rejection and so given my preferences I would just be a lesbian sheep and stare longingly at my crush until they make a move. But that’s not really an acceptable method.

Unfortunately for this one? It’s just brute courage. Stomach churning, anxiety riddled courage. However how you do this sets the tone for the rest of the relationship. I don’t mean big public displays, or having the most romantic and well thought out date idea ever. No. I mean knowing what you can offer someone, realistically, and then asking them if that fits in their life plan.

Here’s a sample of how I try to do it.

“I like you and I’m interested in you. Right now I can offer casual dating, maybe one or two physical dates a month. But I can offer a lot of virtual contact, daily text or phone chats, emotional support, and I can and will drop everything for emergencies and do my best to get to you if you need me. I may be able to offer more later if our relationship develops in that direction, but I can’t promise it. Are you interested in a romantic relationship with me that looks like that?”

You’ll notice this has no wiggle room to pretend you were joking. No outs if they say ‘no, that’s not something I’m looking for or want with you.’ It’s clear, it’s to the point, and it directly asks them to answer yes or no.

This hinges on you being ok with getting a no. And them knowing that, while you may be stung for a bit, you’re not going to punish them in any way for saying no. If you’re not at a point in your acquaintance where they feel safe saying no and confident you’ll accept it? You’re not at a point where they can say yes and you should not ask them out.

I’ll be honest, most of my scripts follow this format class. It just Works. It’s hard, it’s the hardest way to go about having these talks, but it’s the most effective.

So what about a topic with more negotiation? That’s not just a cut and dry yes or no? Like kink.

Remember rule one. Do not ask your partner for something new in the bedroom while you’re naked in there. Make some coffee or tea, sit down at the table, and talk. Or chat on the phone if face to face is too hard. I don’t suggest texting since tone is hard to read. Try to at least manage a phone call if you’re able.

“I am interested in X kink. What do you think about it?”

Why do I suggest opening with acknowledging you’re interested in it, rather than just asking what your partner thinks? Because it does a few things. 1. It gives them context for why you’re asking. 2. If they’re a good partner it makes them considerably less likely to mock whatever the kink is if they’re not interested in it. And 3. It removes your emotional hiding place.

That last one is important for open and honest and effective communication AND to keep you from creating resentments your partner doesn’t know about. Last thing you want is to ask “hey what do you think about spanking?” and have your partner go on a tirade of how they think impact play is abusive and wrong. Which then potentially internally translates, for you, as ‘my partner thinks I want to be abused and I’m sick.’ That kind of thing festers and destroys relationships.

So lets try it out in a less than ideal world.

“I am interested in BDSM, specifically impact play. What do you think about it?”
“Are you talking about hitting me or me hitting you? Because I’m not comfortable hitting you with objects and I really don’t want to get hit with anything.”
“I like being spanked. Would you be willing to try it with me? We don’t have to use toys if you’re uncomfortable with that, and can establish safe words for both of us if it gets too intense.”
“Maybe. Can I have time to think about this and get back to you?”

“Yeah sure, here are some websites to look at that have information on it if you want to do some reading while you make up your mind.”

See how that gives your partner space to say no safely? Which in turn gives them the actual ability to say yes. It makes you more vulnerable, yes. But it’s a show of trust, and in turn helps build trust.

So what about topics on which there can be no compromise? Like children?

That is a discussion to have Early class. I know some folks think holding off until things get serious is appropriate for this topic in particular. But it is not fair to you or your potential partner if you have Vastly Different Ideas on having kids to put it off. No matter how much you love someone if you disagree on kids someone is ending up heartbroken a few years in. Pluck up the courage and establish your views on this from the get go and check in as needed.

I establish, before I even go on a date with someone; that I do not want and can not have children. And if children are something they want then I would not be a good partner for them as this is not something I can physically change my mind on anymore. This is one of those topics that you need to be willing to ignore your hormones and walk away from a promising relationship over.

Following my theme? Own your position and ask out right.

“I do not want children. What are your views on parenthood some day?”
“I really want to be a parent.”
“Ok. Are you comfortable knowing that you can not have that with me, and we would either need to be non-monogamous for that to happen for you?”
“I am not comfortable with the idea of non-monogamy.”
“I’m sorry but this is not going to work out long term.”

But wait! What about different communication styles? Not everyone uses direct communication, some people find it rude!

Learn to be rude, class.

Your partner or potential partner is not a mind reader. It is not on them to interpret what you mean or want if you do not actively tell them. Is it nice when someone anticipates your needs? Yes. Yes it is. However, especially for big topics like starting a relationship, or fundamentally altering the one you have, you can Not have the ambiguity that comes with being indirect and hoping. Relationships live or die by their communication and understanding. If the yes is unclear or uninformed? Then it is a no.

“I kinda like you” leaves all kinds of room for different interpretations. “I am interested in a romantic relationship with you” does not.

So what about the other side of things here?

Your friend has asked you on a date and you’re not into it. It’s easy to say ‘tell them no’. And yes in an ideal world you should be able to. Evaluate your situation for safety. Will they, in your experience, take a face to face no well? Would it be better via phone call or text? We all have or have heard horror stories about what happens when you say no. So please be sure about your personal safety, and get that across in as safe a manner as you can. Try to avoid saying ‘yes’ and then taking it back later if you have any way to avoid it.

We all want to let people we care about down gently. But you still need to be clear. Don’t give your friend false hope by saying things like “oh not now, maybe someday, maybe when life settles down.” If those are true? Ok fine. But have a solid talk with your friend about the odds of that. Don’t use them as a way to say no without having to say no.

Next, your established partner has come to you with something you’re iffy about. Something like a new kink to try or opening up your relationship, or moving in together. If your initial reaction is negative, take a second to compose yourself. Remember and appreciate the amount of courage it took for them to bring it up in the first place. Then ask yourself if your reaction is negative because you are not interested, or if it’s negative because you’ve never tried before.

You do not and should not do things you actively do not want to do for the sake of your partner. If you are 100% monogamous then no, you should not try non-monogamy. If you do not want to be a parent you should not agree to start trying for kids. But if it’s something like a new kink or fetish, or potentially moving in together, something that can be talked about and negotiated? Keep an open mind and be willing to at least think about and consider it. Ask them if they have anywhere you can look for more information, read up on what they’re asking you, give it a strong consideration.

And if after all that you end up still saying no? Be kind and make sure they know it’s not anything they did wrong, that it’s your own comfort level. Also let them know if it’s something you’d be willing to revisit and give them a time frame for that if applicable. For example: “I don’t want to move right now because I just renewed my lease 3 months ago. Let’s talk about this again in 6 months when I’m in a better position to move and see if it’s something you still want.” Instead of “No I don’t want to move in with you.”

That’s it for this lecture. Have fun, stay safe, and I’ll see you next class.

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Welcome back class, in today's lecture we're going to discuss the challenging talks that no one wants to have in a relationship. We're going to go over some basic ground rules for initiating these discussions, and why those rules are important.

As always if you have a topic you'd like a lecture on please contact me at FinishingSchoolWithMsMhari@gmail.com.

If you'd like to buy me a coffee to keep this podcast going please donate via paypal with the same email address listed above.

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Welcome students to your third lecture in Finishing School with Ms. Mhari. Given that it is pride month we’re going to talk orientations. First a couple of clarifying points:

When I say orientation I mean the initial gut punch sensation of who you describe yourself as attracted to. Not who you appear to be attracted to based on the relationship you may or may not be in.
Sexual orientation is not the same as romantic, sensual, platonic, or familial orientation. You can have different orientations for different contexts.
My explanations are not gospel. This is a sticky subject and if someone tells you their orientation, don’t tell them they are wrong because I defined it differently.

I use the acronym QUILTBAG. Because I am a textile artist so it amuses me. We’ll go letter by letter and explain what each stands for.

Q is for Queer. Queer is a general use ‘not straight, not cis’ word. That being said, it has been used, and in some places IS used as a slur. It is ok to claim queer for yourself, I identify as a queer woman, but it is Not Ok to use it to describe someone else unles they have specifically told you it is ok with them. Not everyone is comfortable with or willing or able to reclaim this particular word used as a weapon against them.

U is for Unsure. This is perfectly fine! Maybe the word doesn’t exist, maybe you don’t know it, maybe you just had a Life Experience that altered how you thought about yourself. That’s OK. You are allowed to experiment, to explore, and to not be sure where you’ll end up.

Intersex. These folks are people born with a physical body somewhere between male and female. It’s hard to tell exactly how common intersex babies are since it is still a disgustingly common practice for doctors to surgically assign either male or female to a baby born inbetween. If you’re pregnant or planning on becoming pregnant, please make sure your birth plan includes Not doing this if your baby is born intersex. There are serious mental and phycial health implications later in life, and we’re just starting to research them.

Lesbian. People who identify as women, who are attracted to other people who identify as women. Notice how I said people who identify as women, not just women. Transwomen are women. Full stop. Finishing School has no place for transphobia or Trans Exclusionary Reactionary Feminism. If your view is that a woman who happens to have or have had a penis is not a woman, then this is not the school for you, kindly pack your belongings and vacate your desk. You are no longer welcome.

T is for Trans. Trans is not an orientation, and yet it appears here so we’re talking about with orientations, we’ll discuss gender identity in a differed lecture and we’ll go more in depth. But for now, Trans is identifying as a gender different than the sex you were assigned at birth. So if you were Assigned Male At Birth (AMAB) but are a woman, you are trans. Same if you were Assigned Female At Birth (AFAB) and are a man. And, and this is important as there’s some uncalled for debate on this, you are still entitled to call yourself trans if you were assigned either male or female at birth and are non-bionary (enby). Enby is not a sex assigned at birth, ergo identifying as enby by default means you are a different gender than you’re assigned birth sex. Also the creator of the trans pride flag has openly stated the white stripe in the very center is for enby folks.

B is for Bisexual. Here’s where I have a failing in my Quiltbag useage. There’s no P for Pan anywhere. The argument made is that Bi and Pan are the same or interchangeable. They are not. Bi is the attraction to two gender expressions, Pan is attraction regardless of gender expression. So someone only attracted to women and enby folks would be Bi, whereas someone attracted to every gender expression would be pan. Full disclosure, I am Bi not Pan. No it’s none of your business which two genders I find attractive.

A is for Asexual/Aromantic (Ace/Aro). Not Ally. Asexual is not finding anyone sexually attractive, no matter their gender. They may be attractive to look at, but that does not evoke sexual desire. Some folks who are asexual may experience sexual desire, but rarely enough that it is the exception to the rule. And even then they may have no wish to act on sexual attraction. Aromantic folks are people with no desire to have romantic attachments. They may have sex, but don’t feel the need to engage in any other romantic relationship markers like dates, or cohabbing, ect. Demisexuality also falls in this spectrum. Which is finding someone sexually attractive only after you know them as a person or friend. So you may think, for example, that the person in that cafe you go to is super pretty, but they’re pretty like a pot of daisies. They brighten the room, you like being near them, but you don’t want to have sex with them. That may change after you talk to them a while, or it may not.

G is for Gay. Gay is identifying as male and being attracted to other people who identify as man. Same rant on transmen being men that I gave on transwomen being women under my explination of lesbian applies here.

Ok, so I’d be remiss if I didn’t talk about it. So We’re going to talk about hetrosexuality, or Straight.

Straight is hard to talk about when you firmly believe the gender binary is bullshit because straight depends on it existing to some extent. Straight is when someone who identifies as male is only sexually and romantically attracted to someone who identifies as female and vice versa. Some folks take it further and insist they are only attracted to cismen or ciswomen and that people who are attracted to transfolks as well are not actually straight. Personally I have Questions about how they know someone is trans or cis or enby by just looking at them.

That’s your basic introduction to sexual orientations. As I mentioned in the beginning of today’s lecture you can have multiple orientations! You can be bisexual but panromantic. You can be hetrosensual but demisexual, there are almost endless combinations when you factor in the five major categories of attraction (Sexual, Romantic, Platonic, Familial, and Sensual.)

Sexual orientation is just who you want to have sex with. It doesn’t have to line up with who you want a romantic relationship with, or who you naturally gravitate towards for friends, or who you consider family, or who you want to snuggle up with. Your orientations are also only one fascet of who you are. They are catagories, not definitions. You are a person first, a whatever your orientations are second or third.

That’s it for today’s lecture. Happy pride Class, I’ll see you next time. Until then have fun, stay safe, and enjoy.

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In this lecture we're going to discuss orientations, and have brief descriptions of some of the more commonly cited ones.

As always if you have a topic you'd like a lecture on please contact me at FinishingSchoolWithMsMhari@gmail.com.

If you'd like to buy me a coffee to keep this podcast going please donate via paypal with the same email address listed above.

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Welcome class, Finishing School with Ms. Mhari is back in session. Today’s lecture topic was a request, an overview of ethical non-monogamy. What it is, what it is not, and some of the forms it can take.

A brief disclaimer if I may. And as it is my podcast, so I may. Non-monogamy is not for everyone. It is neither a more enlightened relationship style nor a way to write off cheating on your partner. Nor is it easy. Non-monogamy will push on every crack and weak point in every one of your romantic or sexual relationships. In order to do it well you have no choice but to be open and direct with your communication with your partners and they need to be open and direct with their communication with you and each other. You should be open and direct in monogamy, you can’t be anything else in an ethical non-monogamous set up.

This is not a guide to setting up these relationships. We’ll talk about that sort of thing in a different class on having hard relationship talks. Today we’re going to stick to a mile high view of the landscape, not till the fields as it were.

At its heart nonmonogamy is having more than one romantic or sexual partner at a time. History is rife with it, with varying degrees of acceptance. Think French Kings and their Mistresses, or harems, or multiple wives. Generally we see polygamy, historically defined as one man having multiple female partners, but polyandry is not unheard of. Polyandry of course is one woman with multiple male partners. As I am not a fan of gendered language or the assumption of heterosexuality I’m chucking those terms out and never using them again. Instead we’re using ethical non-monogamy or polyamory or poly interchangeably.

But wait, Ms. Mhari, I hear you ask, why did you say “ethical” non-monogamy? Because class, cheating is not interchangeable with non-monogamy or polyamory. Cheating is a betrayal of trust. You can be in a poly relationship and be cheated on. You can cheat even if you’re in a poly relationship. You can be in relationships with multiple people and not be cheating. All that’s required for cheating is a breach of trust or consent. We’re not lumping cheating in with everything else we’re talking about. Maybe we’ll cover it in a later class if there’s interest. But I’m not getting into it now.

So what can non-monogamous relationships look like? Well to be honest they look like whatever the folks involved need them to in order to be happy and functional. But there are some general types. Let’s talk about the most common.

The V.

The V is when one person has a relationship with two other people who do not have a romantic or sexual relationship to each other outside the pivot partner. So if Bob was dating both Sven and Maryanne, but Sven and Maryanne were not dating each other. That would make Bob the pivot partner of the V.

The Triad.

If Sven and Maryanne were also dating then their group would be considered a triad. If no one involved was dating anyone else outside the group, then it would be a closed triad.

The Quad.

If Bob and Sven were a couple, and Maryanne and Nakia were also a couple, and all four were dating. This is where it can start to get messy and complicated. Adding a fourth person means there are now six independent relationships happening. Bob and Sven, Maryanne and Nakia. Bob and Nakia. Nakia and Sven. Marryanne and Bob. And Marryanne and Sven. And they all need to be balanced and carefully managed to avoid spillover into the others. For example if Nakia and Sven have a falling out Bob and Maryanne will know about it, and depending on how it happens it may effect Maryanne’s relationship with Bob. But I digress, that’s better suited to the later lesson we’ll do on actually maintaining healthy poly relationships.

Polyqule.

A qule is any number of people in a relationship with each other, but not necessarily everyone in the qule. Some people call it a family or pod instead. So to add to our happy little group, Nakia and Bob are also dating Wanda, but Wanda is not dating Sven or Maryanne. Now they are a qule.

Mixed groups.

Wanda, by virtue of dating Nakia and Bob is poly. Their spouse Taylor is monogamous and has no partners other than Wanda, but knows about Bob and Nakia and has consented to remaining in a poly/monogamous relationship with Wanda, even though they personally feel no need to go out and find additional partners for themself. You can also have a mixed relationships where one partner seeks out additional sexual but not romantic partners. There was no existing term for this so I’ve decided to call these polysexual/monoromatic situations. This is an excellent solution to mismatched sex drives actually.

Open groups.

These are poly groups where those involved have agreed that members are able to add new partners if the opportunity presents itself. It doesn’t mean they’re actively looking for new partners, anymore than someone being single means they’re actively looking for a new relationship, just that they’re open to the idea.

Closed groups.

A closed poly group is one where those involved have agreed not to add additional partners. This can be permanent or temporary, and is a mutual decision made by everyone involved. Open groups can close for any reason, maybe those involved don’t have the time and energy needed for new partners, maybe an existing partner is in crisis and needs to work through some shit, maybe a couple in the family just had a baby and everyone needs time to make that major life adjustment, or maybe they’re just poly-saturated and content with the size of their current family.

Relationship Anarchy.

Exactly what it says on the tin. I do who I want, when I want, and my other partners know but don’t get any sort of input on when or if I take on a new partner, or who that person is. This kind of free for all works very well for strongly independent folks but is one of the harder forms to pull off long term as it can make folks feel insecure or jealous if they’re not also fiercely romantically independent. This takes the most blunt communication to maintain.

Hierarchy Poly

Hierarchy poly is when you categorize people by primary, secondary, ect. You generally end up in hierarchy poly as a starting point if you’re opening up from a couple. It feels safer. You have your primary partner, and anyone else is ranked below them and you generally have rules about what those non-primary relationships can look like. This seems like a fantastic way to keep jealousy at bay, since you and your partner have already agreed what will make you jealous, and have put those things down as off limits to potential new partners.

I wanted to skip this, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t at least talk about it. Ok, so here’s where we go from generic overview to Ms. Mhari has Views.

I am firmly against this structure. I know very Very few people for whom it has worked long term, and I find the ethics of rules negotiated by only the original couple questionable at best.

People are not things. And negotiating what their relationship with you can look like before they’re even in the picture is treating them and their feelings as disposable toys that are less important than your comfort. They have the right to be involved in discussions of what the relationship they’re entering will look like. They also have needs to be met, and wants to be negotiated, and have just as much right to advocate for them as you do for yours. Presenting a set of rules you and someone else decided on as a take it or leave it is not only extremely rude it is a violation of their rights as a person and potential partner. If you and your current partner can not handle that simple yet hard truth then you are not ready to open your relationship. Full stop. Other people are not guinea pigs for you to test whether you’re able to be poly out on.

The person you’re about to date deserves the same opportunities to build a relationship with you as your current partner had when you two started out. You didn’t give them a list of rules and a format for how your presumably monogamous relationship would go did you? Of course not. That would send anyone running from your first date screaming about control freaks.

Restrictive rules on new partners will not keep your current relationship “safe” or prevent jealousy. Nothing will. You either work through that with frank and open communication with all parties involved, or you do not attempt non-monogamy. Anything else is deeply, deeply unethical.

This is not to say you can’t have partners with varying degrees of commitment. The person you started dating last week doesn’t get a say on the house you and your nesting partner are buying for example. But think of the situation if your nesting partner/longer term partner wasn’t in the picture with this new relationship. Would the level of input you’re allowing your partner be appropriate in a monogamous relationship at a similar commitment level? Obviously your longer term partner is there and any major life choices like having your newer partner move in would need to be discussed together with all of you, but telling your newer partner they can never even ask for something because you and your existing partner decided it would be a threat to you two? Reveals insecurities incompatible with long term ethical non-monogamy.

Right where was I? OH! Swinging.

Swinging is having sex but not ongoing romantic relationships with other people. Generally it’s done as a couple and can also go by the name “wife swapping” though swinging is the more acceptable term. Some folks debate on if swinging counts as poly, I’m not wading into that. I will say that it does count as ethical non-monogamy so long as both partners are aware of and consent to it. Sometimes swingers will identify as monogamous, as they are romantically monogamous, other times they may refer to themselves as monogama-mish for similar reasons.

I’m sure there are some forms I’m leaving out, if you’re in one of those forms and I didn’t mention you it wasn’t out of malice so much as airtime.

That’s all for this episode. Until next time? Have fun, stay safe, and enjoy.

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Welcome folks, to the first episode of Finishing School with Ms. Mhari. Yes it is Vari. Not Ma-har-ee, not Mary, not any of the other ways it looks like it should sound. I know. I’m sorry. I hope you all read the introduction to the site with the summary of what this show is. If you didn’t, I strongly suggest you go do so. You still haven’t paused this to go do that? Alright, fine. This is an aggressively sex positive and gender neutral advice and information podcast. I’ll be focusing on sexual health, including sex toys, as well as topics tangential to sex like gender, gender identity and presentation, sexual orientation, kinks, relationship structures, and the occasional toddle off into full-on relationship advice. The intent is to answer whatever questions you, my beloved class, have about sex or sex-related topics that you just never got the answer to in school and are afraid to publicly ask now. I intend on doing each episode by topic, not individual question, so you don’t need to worry about being outted as not knowing something, or worried that your name will end up associated with asking about that weird sex thing online. If you have a question for me? Awesome! Shoot me an email at the address listed below and keep listening. I promise it’ll get addressed eventually.

Today we’re gonna discuss porn stores: why go to one, how to judge the quality of one, and how to behave in one. This topic is near and dear to my heart as I used to work in the sketchiest little porn store you’ve ever seen. It failed so hard on the ‘is this a quality porn store’ questions I’m gonna have you go through later. It looked like the inside of a bowling alley from the 80s. Only it was filled will dildos instead of bowling pins and a very different kind of balls. Note: Do not use bowling pins as a dildo. We’ll cover sex toy safety in another episode I’m sure, but for just now? Trust me, it’s a bad plan.

First off, let me be clear: a porn store, or adult store as they’re called in circles far too polite for me to run in, is just another store. Everyone is there for the same reason you are, no one is gonna judge you for being in there, and I can personally guarantee that the clerk is gonna forget what you bought about 30 seconds after ringing you up. Just like the cashier at your favorite big box store. There’s no need to be ashamed going in, no reason to hesitate in asking your questions, and above all no reason to be scared.

Now, why in the age of online shopping would you go into a brick and mortar porn shop? Why would you subject yourself to dealing with that internal shame and embarrassment? For me, it’s because A. I have no shame, and B. I’m impatient. I don’t want to wait for shipping. If I want something, I want it now and there’s nothing quite like running to my car giggling with a plain black plastic bag. I’ll order something online if my local shop doesn’t have it or if they can’t order it for me, but I check their inventory first. They might have something that’s close enough to make me happy, and again not have to wait for shipping. The other big reason is toy quality. It is impossible to accurately judge the size, weight, and feel of a toy just by looking at pictures online. You can get close, and if you know the brand from experience then you can get really close, but for intimate purchases like this? Nothing compares to going in and seeing it in person before you buy. Another bonus is the staff. Porn store staff are an underutilized resource. Ask them questions! Ask for suggestions! Tell them your price point and what you’re looking for and I promise you if your shop’s any good they’ll point you at what they have that’s the best fit. And if they don’t have anything in stock, they’ll help you find it and order it for you.

So next question: how do you know you’re in a good shop, or if you’re in the sleezy joint no one should hand money to like the one I used to work for? I mean to be honest, websites lie. They just do. Sometimes the store with the best website is terrifying inside, and the one with no site at all is a haven of whimsical fuckery. Judge it the same way you would any other retail store. Walk in, look around, and ask yourself the following questions:

Is it clean? Dust on all the shelves, grime on the floor, and a general feeling that no one has run the vacuum in a while are all signs to leave. You’re trying to buy something to go into or on you or your partners’ genitals or mouth or anus. You don’t want that to come from somewhere that feels physically dirty. Emotionally dirty, mentally dirty… I mean, you’re in a porn shop shopping for sex toys. If you’ve got any shame about it, you’re gonna feel a little slimy going in, but that does not excuse physical dirt.
Is it well lit? The store should be bright and welcoming. It should not feel like a dingy basement, even if it is physically located in a basement. There are some fantastic porn stores that I’ve been to in Germany that, again, they’re in a basement, you have to go down stairs to get there, but they don’t feel basement-y. They feel cozy. So I still count that. You also don’t want your shop to be an overly-lit fluorescent hell, because you don’t want it to feel like you’re walking into a clinic, or a hospital, or a high school. I mean, maybe you do. Your kink is not my kink. And your kink is okay, but I’m not buying sex toys from somewhere that feels like a mental institution. Not happening. Where was I? Right...
Does the merchandise look new? If all the of models on the boxes have 80s hair or the boxes themselves are shades of hot pink and aqua, then that means this shop either has super low turnover or, just as bad, the owner hasn’t kept up with sex toy tech and your chances of finding a body-safe toy go down drastically. We’ll cover what kinds of materials are body-safe when I do the sex toy class. Right now we’re talking about porn stores, so don’t worry about what I mean by “body safe” just yet.
Are the staff approachable? Generally porn store clerks stay behind the counter. We recognize that a lot of folks get nervous about what they’re in to buy, especially if they’ve never been in a store like this before, so we tend not to hover unless someone makes direct eye contact or calls us over. Or if you look too young to be in our shop (legal age varies by city or state laws). Or you look like you’re trying to subtly stuff the butt plug into your backpack or pocket rather than bringing it to the counter to pay for it. So, if the clerk doesn’t come out from behind the counter, are they at least polite when you ask a question? Do they have an answer and suggestion? Are they helpful? Or are they glaring at you from behind their fortress of glass-fronted solitude? Or worse, are they leering at you? Porn stores sink or swim by their staff. If their staff acts like they can’t be bothered with you, or like you’re a piece of meat, then you should leave.

All right, so we’ve established that you are in a clean, well-lit but not institutional-feeling shop with a decent selection of modern toys and a friendly knowledgeable staff. How on earth do you act in here? What’s the protocol? How are you supposed to interact with other humans when you’re being stared at by a dong the girth of a beer can in packaging that proudly states it is the FuckMaster 10,000? They don’t cover this in sex ed.

Ok, maybe they cover it in the video in aisle three called sex ed, but Miss Manners never dealt with this. That’s why I’m here.

Porn store etiquette 101: Don’t be creepy. Everything else I’m going to say boils down to that one rule. Do not. Be Creepy.

Your porn shop is not a speed dating site. Do not hit on other customers or the staff. Even if they’re hot as hell and holding exactly the item you came in looking for. Don’t do it. It’s rude.

Don’t interrupt the clerk if they’re helping someone else. Wait patiently and approach them once they’re free. You don’t know how long the person they’re helping was working up the courage to ask their question. Don’t be the reason they don’t get an answer. Again, that’s just rude.

Don’t leer at, stare at, or Loki forbid follow other customers or staff around the store. I don’t care if they’re dressed entirely in latex for some reason, it’s rude to stare.

Be aware of your surroundings. Don’t accidently corner someone. I’m assuming you’re good people and won’t deliberately corner someone, so I don’t have to, y’know, go over why that’s a problem. If you do accidentally corner someone, try to shift to give them space to get around you. People can get hypervigilant in porn stores, especially if it’s their first time and they’re nervous. It’s ok to be nervous if you are, just to be clear! But remember that nervous people get jumpy and try to be aware of that.

Do not open any of the packages. Your clerk will test the toy in front of you before you leave with it if it has batteries. A test consists of putting batteries in, switching the toy on to each of its setting in turn, confirming it’s all in working order, then repackaging it for you to take home. If it doesn’t work, they’ll hand you a different one off the shelf after confirming that one works. This happens after you’ve paid because once a sex toy is opened, even if you only opened it for half a second to look at it, for hygiene reasons it cannot be put back on the shelf. So if you open it, it’s yours and you need to pay for it.

Do not hesitate to ask the clerk questions related to the toy you want to get! Ask how to clean it, ask what it’s made out of if you can’t find the answer to that on the box. Ask if it’s ever been used by them or someone they know, ask if they’ve heard anything about it, ask if it’s good for what you’re looking for. For example, there are roughly 8,047,693 different kinds of rabbit vibrators out there. I know. That is my rough estimate from stocking them. Each one pulses, turns, or thrusts at a different rate and angle, with different intensities of vibration and different shapes and sizes. If you prefer a wider, more dispersed and rumbly vibration like the kind that you get from the popular wands, then you’re not gonna be very happy with a rabbit vibrator that has a hummingbird-shaped vibrating knob and a more targeted laser-pointed buzzy vibration. Your clerk can help you find what you’re looking for, but they won’t know if you don’t ask them for it. And remember most places can special order for you if you’ve got your heart set on a specific toy and they don’t have it in stock.

That’s really it. Like I said before, a porn store is just another type of store. You’ve got no more reason to be scared or ashamed of being in there than you do going to Big Box. No one will remember you went in, and if they do? Well, if they saw you, they were in there too. There’s nothing shameful about wanting to take control of your sex life and buy items that make you feel good. Sex is fun, and you deserve satisfying sex.

That’s all for this episode. Until next time? Have fun, stay safe, and enjoy.

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Hello class, in this our second lecture we're going to take a birds eye view of non-monogamy.

As always if you have a topic you'd like a lecture on please contact me at FinishingSchoolWithMsMhari@gmail.com.

If you'd like to buy me a coffee to keep this podcast going please donate via paypal with the same email address listed above.

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Welcome class, to the first episode of Finishing School with Ms. Mhari. Today we're going to talk about how to behave in an adult toy store.

As always if you have a topic you'd like a lecture on please contact me at FinishingSchoolWithMsMhari@gmail.com.

If you'd like to buy me a coffee to keep this podcast going please donate via paypal with the same email address listed above.

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