GR8 Relationships Radio: Recent Episodes
Hermann Eben with Paul Moore
God designed man and woman for the perfect complimentary relationship. He designed them in His image which becomes even more interesting when you look at the Hebrew words for man and woman in Genesis.
In the previous episode, you heard about truth and love, separate and belonging, and powerful and relational. Each of those combinations of words are an excellent way to think about the Image of God. When you review scriptures, both Old and New Testament, you will find the context typically supports those combination of words. And, this same concept is seen throughout life - in movies, in religions, in personality tests, and, obviously in the design of men and women.
Based on some great research by Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann, there are 5 conflict styles that people use. Based on your development, you will learn to use some more than others. Generally, people will overuse some and under use others. Here is the most important news - all of the styles are good. All of them have problems and benefits, so you need to learn to use each one for the right situation.
Based on some great research by Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann, there are 5 conflict styles that people use. Based on your development, you will learn to use some more than others. Generally, people will overuse some and under use others. Here is the most important news - all of the styles are good. All of them have problems and benefits, so you need to learn to use each one for the right situation.
What do you think about when you hear the word "conflict?" Most people would list words like fight, anger, war, bad feelings, strife, etc. Conflict is most often thought of as something negative, but it doesn't need to be that way. In fact, conflict can be constructive and beneficial if you have the right thinking.
The best way to start resolving a conflict is to get your thinking changed. While we do not provide you the entire Conflict RESOLVED workshop, we do provide you the first step - remember 3+3+2. Remember 3 Critical Principles, 3 Cardinal Rules and 2 Essential Skills.
Yes, your emotions are real and your emotions are often out of touch with reality and the facts. If that's true, then getting others to acknowledge and validate your emotions is misplaced, unproductive, and potentially dangerous.
Dr. Marlin Howe used submarines and destroyers as a great way to explain dominant and manipulative behavior. Submarines are difficult to detect, stealthy, under the surface. Destroyers are easy to see, on the surface and when fighting, fire depth charges into the ocean trying to sink the submarine. The submarine takes evasive action, sometimes becomes silent, but will unleash some powerful and destructive torpedoes without warning and often after a conflict is over.
You know the PROBLEM - making everything about ME, and the SOLUTION - pursuing the best for others; patiently, kindly, sacrificially and unconditionally. Now here is a simple way to remember 4 critical tools that solve 4 relationship crippling mistakes. Remember T F F C.
How do you deal with those past sins, mistakes, blunders, or even embarrassing moments? It is amazing how powerful those past situations can be when they are resurrected in your mind.
Tolerance and Love aren't the same thing, but people act like they are. In fact, the political correctness crowd uses tolerance as a weapon against truth, standards and boundaries. There is a blatant effort to use tolerance to move or erase the boundary between good and bad. Consequently, the sledgehammer of tolerance tries to expand the limits for bad behavior. But, worst of all, people talk as if tolerance and love are the same thing. Regardless of the revisionist thinking, those two words are very different.
If you want some extremely valuable and practical information for new blended families, this is it. It will help you develop the family that you want.
There is nothing simple about blended families or the effort needed to make them work well. Yet, too many couples start into this new family structure with bad thinking, myths and no goals or plans. Hopefully, you will be different.
Deborah got back into church and began growing in the Lord. She learned about godly marriages and relationships. So, it is no surprise that she thought about whether another marriage should or could be part of her future. Now she wondered, "What about remarriage? Is that acceptable to God?"
When your relationships are painful, your thoughts easily become "I want out of the pain!" Too often that means no interest in God's desire and His complete PERFECTION in your current situation! Getting out of relationship pain is understandable, but most often leads to bad choices. One such choice is divorce, which most often leads to the greater pain of broken families.
After her third divorce, Deborah was mad at life and men for at least 4 years. But, she did not realize how failure can lead to success. Utlimately, she decided to listen to God, who led her to the Hope for the Family seminar. Created by Dr. Marlin Howe, that seminar changed her life and blossomed into GR8 Relationships. So, God used her failure to lead her to His success for her.
By the time Deborah was 28, she went through 3 divorces. But, being divorced 3 times is only part of the story. Deborah's complete story is a great example of God's healing and restoration. In fact, she is open and vulnerable about her former life. Now she ministers to others praising God for what He allowed into her life.
God does not like the proverb about sour grapes. "As I live," says the Lord GOD, "you shall no longer use this proverb in Israel." (Ezekiel 18:3) What is it about that proverb that God does not like?
Which is more important - self-governance or self-esteem? The emphasis of our education system and society is primarily on self-esteem. Subsequently, the population continues to increase its Narcissistic mindset. And, the investment is creating huge societal problems. It is time to reconsider the investment and look for something better like self-governance or self-control.
Self-control is critical for all of us. But consider this, those with the most self-control use it far less in emergencies. What makes them so different from the rest of us?
Multitudes of self-help gurus, psychologists, and educators promote loving yourself - loving "ME". Unfortunately, what's worse is Satan loves this teaching! So, what about you? Do you think loving yourself supports something that Satan absolutely loves and practices? Well, go look at Dr. Carle Zimmerman's research. He says that the self-love that self-help gurus promote is actually the key element that destroys civilizations. And, check out Willpower by Dr. Baumeister, especially chapter 9, which shows self-control as superior to self-esteem.
Sarah had been married only 9 months. She went to the computer to find some information she needed. What she found instead was devastatingly painful - pornography! At first she tried to rationalize it. "Maybe someone came in and used their computer." But as she thought about it more, that made little sense...
It takes God's truth to remove thinking that you are damaged goods. Hear a redeemed lady's story that starts as a precious little girl first abused at the age of 5. "I remember asking God to rescue me when I was 5, but it didn't happen. And, I didn't become His child until I was 42. I've hated that little girl, she caused me so much pain and shame. Many times in my life, I looked for God."
If I choose to submit that seems like I am giving up all of my rights. Is that true? For example, does submitting mean that I can't explain what I am thinking about the issue? Unfortunately, the discussion and definitions of submission are abused and misused. It's time to see what God says about submission.
When you follow God's example and do relationships His way, you irritate your sin nature and your "ME"! When you decide to serve others, your sin nature asks, "What about ME?" Don't assume that when you do things God's way that your "ME" will like it! God's ways are not about selfishness and self-absorbed thinking. Serving others is the best way to get your needs met, because you trust your PERFECT God.
You have no room for God, so you can't see God at work. All people and circumstances are in your life for your best no matter how you feel or think about them. Every good thing, every bad thing are in your life for a perfect reason. BUT, you cannot and do not see life that way, because "ME" fills everything you see. All of the space in your eyes, mind and heart prevent you from seeing God's perfect work unfolding right in front of you.
Relationships suffer most from the PROBLEM - making everything about ME. And, one classic way the PROBLEM displays itself is through the "Victim" mistake where you "keep the past in the present". A "Victim" keeps the past in the present even though the past is OVER! This mistake deceives you into thinking that the past is powerful, but it isn't - IT IS OVER! You have other better choices to make.
We adopted this phrase from Robert Fritz - "Reality is an acquired taste." Reality is our friend, because it doesn't play games. When you live in reality, you live in truth. In fact, you can interchange reality and truth, because they are synonyms. Too often, we live in fantasy - how it feels, not in reality and objectivity - how it is, and that creates major problems, because fantasy can be twisted into anything.
"Sometimes the knowledge of truth and how things SHOULD BE don't overcome the emotions of the heart. Recently my wife told me she doesn’t love me and hasn’t loved me for a long time. She even said she wouldn’t marry me if she had another chance." Maybe you feel hopeless like that man and you are fighting to hold on. (Hurtful statements like these are too common in many relationships.) While those words are painful to read, he will never get relief with that type of thinking.
Is today one of those days? Do you have a situation like a man that I talked to. All he could say was, "She does not love me." When he later asked her if that was true, she only said, "I'll have to think about it." What would you do if your spouse was telling you that? Would you act like God would or not?
Satan's primary strategy is to get you to think "Did God really say...?" That really works when God tells us that we "...may have life, and that [we] may have it more abundantly." (John 10:10) and we are going through some difficulty. We doubt God, but that life is ours right now! It requires a Single Focus, Simple Actions and that results in Significant Benefits.
In 2 Peter 1, the Apostle Peter provides a warning and 3 promises. The warning is SO IMPORTANT that you need to hear it first. You have been given supernatural gifts and blessings all because of the immense grace of God. BUT, it seems that most believers aren't experiencing them or the 3 promises primarily for not heeding this warning.
Transformation requires seeing differently. So, how you see things is a key indicator of whether you are being transformed or NOT! You start down the path of transformation in 2 Peter 1:5-7. After you take the first 5 steps - Faith, Virtue, Knowledge, Self-control and Perseverance you expect transformation. But, that depends on the next 3 steps. The first 5 are critical, but transformation never occurs unless you take the next 3 steps.
You are pursuing the BEST life and are ready to take the next steps. Time to move beyond the Learn Phase of Faith, Virtue, and Knowledge into the APPLY Phase of 2 Peter 1:5-7. The next two steps are two things Satan hates. These steps show you are serious about walking with the Lord, being like Christ.
When will you start living the BEST life? You have the ability, but will you start? Starting is 50 percent of any action. The 8 steps of 2 Peter 1:5-7 are your responsibility, no one else. God provides everything for you and it is now your choice to start your transformation. What is your decision - live the BEST life or not?
The ABUNDANT LIFE that Jesus talks about (John 10:10) is the same as the Apostle Peter talks about in 2 Peter 1. It is the motive for us to pursue transformation into the image of Christ. When Peter says "For this very reason..." (2 Peter 1:5), he refers back to the previous 4 verses. He tells us what we have been given; a precious faith like the apostles, all things for life and godliness, exceedingly great and precious promises, partake in the divine nature, and escape from corruption in this world. We read that those priceless gifts are ours, but we don't change. The big reason we don't change is we believe the world's view of abundance, not God.
If you are a child of God and you are trying to find the abundant life you have heard people talk about - STOP LOOKING! You ALREADY have it!! "His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness..." (2 Peter 1:3). That is just like our PERFECT God - He does everything for us, yet we act and live as if He hasn't done anything for us.
So, slow yourself down and picture a life better than you have now. Make the picture as detailed as possible. Be honest with yourself about what you think is better. What do you see? What are you doing? What do you have? What are you thinking? How are you acting? Take your time to look at a vivid mental picture or video of your better life.
Leadership may not be that interesting to you right now, but remember, everyone leads in some area of their life. Since that is true, consider how to apply these promises to those leadership situations.
There is a POWERFUL (Separate) element, but the power is not from us, it is from God. He is the authority and He uses leaders as a channel of His authority. Just like God's power, leaders are to use power to free others, not control them. The power is used to serve others not be served. The RELATIONAL (Belonging) element of leadership is utilized when leaders rely on God's power, because that allows a leader to relate. You can be gentle and serving when you rely on God's power, but if you try to be powerful or show that you are in charge, that will prevent you from being gentle or serving. Worse yet, it tends to create a structure of rebellion in people towards you.
Leadership is not what you might think it is. Most people have the stereo-type of leaders needing to be "large and in charge". While some good leaders are that way, that is not what makes them good or even great (GR8!).
Yep, that's what I said. Your mind is geared for pictures more than words and, if you want to understand someone, really listen to them - turn their words into pictures. Yes, I understand that you still need to hear them, but the phrase "turn off the sound" gets you to focus more on what pictures you are seeing rather than trying to hear individual words.
Think about it, humility is the most underrated attribute, so it makes sense that humility would be tied to the most underrated skill. The formula for listening starts with a simple question, "Will I make this about them, and not about me?"
Good definitions make a big difference. When you read the definition of humility in a dictionary, it may help, but most likely not. So, let's use this simple 3 word definition - strength under control. That's often used to define "meek" and it's appropriate for "humble" also.
God allows us to participate in His divine nature (2 Peter 1:3) and He is not only good, He is PERFECT! Everything that He does has no spot or blemish - even those times where we are struggling with pain and wondering how this can be best for us.
I remember back in the 1960's and '70's how a number of Christian writers and thinkers were pushing Jesus' command of "love your neighbor as yourself". You might be thinking, "That's great", but actually it wasn't. They were promoting the incorrect thinking that you needed to love yourself before you could love others.
Ever wondered what marriage was like when Paul wrote the classic letter to the Ephesian believers? How did "wives, submit to your own husband" and "husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church" sound to the women and men in Ephesus?
You might say, “God does not provide details on every thought or action of my life in His Word, so how can I know if a thought or action is self-absorbed or not?”
It's one or the other! If you are sensitive at all to the Holy Spirit, you will know which. AND, my speculation is 95% or more of the time, thoughts about "ME" are self-absorbed. (That's based on personal experience and I admit that I am probably more self-absorbed and self-sufficient than you.)
Holidays are expected to bring joy and peace, but they often don't and you end up with "turkey and stressing"! Those times end up hurting relationships and not knowing what to do. Well, here are some guidelines to consider on how to have a difficult conversation which can lead to getting the relationship back on track. Unfortunately, most people will just let the tension remain rather than try to resolve it. Be different this year, do what God desires!
When families get together, all of the family history arrives. That can be good or bad. It is almost always difficult for those families when problems have not been resolved.
What we DO NOT DO has a profound impact on what happens. Consider what each of the four primary characters DID and DIDN'T DO at the time of the original sin in Genesis 3:1-14.
The first three chapters of Genesis provide the foundation for relationships and marriage. The design of men and women, the foundation of their design, their purpose, their roles, their judgments and the contract of marriage are all given to us in those three chapters.
When you make the Dictator mistake you may be blatantly trying to do things your way or you are a "good person up to no good". The second approach is seldom seen as bad, because you believe that if you are not the "Jr. Holy Spirit" in their life, they will never change or much worse they "will die lonely and sad", if you are not diligent in pointing out their bad behavior.
Go to the self-help section of a bookstore and you will find books promoting the "Actor" mistake. You will find authors stating, “If you want to win their heart you need to be someone they want. So if they like football, but you don’t, it’s time to become football fan.”
The past cripples relationships, because people do not live in reality about the past. What's the reality? The past is OVER! Even though it's over, it's still controlling the thoughts, actions and feelings of so many people. Consider how many countries, as well as individuals, are currently developing strategies, setting goals and taking actions, because of past events that have not been resolved!
Observe and describe this picture.Try it before reading further. Almost all people tell a story about the picture rather than observing and describing it. “A man is getting ready for an important meeting…” or something like that. Observing and describing is different - “A coat, tie, vest, hand, cuff, shirt, appears to be a watch, surface…” What drives the story telling behavior? Our minds can't stand not knowing something, so it is very common for us to "fill in the blanks" with an opinion, guess or assumption.
Our self-absorbed sin nature is the energy that causes our "ME" to flash. These "ME" flashing moments, days, months and even years, cripple relationships. This lifestyle is living in the Left Circle—reacting and responding, but not choosing to live wisely. It is a life driven by appetites, impulses and pleasures, because it is constantly asking "What's in it for ME?"
Autopilot for the sin nature leaves us living in the Left Circle—a React/Respond, Slave, Victim lifestyle. Life is an endless chain of events that we just react or respond to and then figure out what to do when life, circumstances and people "happen" to us.
The men's and women's judgments provide fuel for your "Flashing ME" moments. For the woman, her design is all about relating and now her judgment makes her closest relationships with her children and husband painful and unfulfilling. And, for the man, his design is about work and now his judgment makes his work painful and unfulfilling.
"Where you look, you tend to go." That's what happens with your judgment and your design.
Are you listening to God or someone other than God? Does that question sound familiar? It should, because it is basically the fundamental question or choice for life—"Am I trusting God or something or someone other than God?"
Significance is a key need of a man! That is why the judgment for man is so powerful. His testosterone based design drives him to be significant, especially in his relationship with a woman. He tries to get his significance especially through his work and activities. Put his judgment with her judgment, desiring the safety of fulfilling relationships and no wonder marriages and relationships fail.
The judgment on women is not some abstract theory. As stated last week, it is REALITY. A woman wants to have fulfilling relationships with her children and husband, but with the influence of the judgments, it turns into CONTROL.
After Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, God pronounced the consequences to the serpent, Eve and then Adam. In Genesis 3:16, God shares a truth that impacts all women that live, have lived or will live. The degree that this bad news impacts a woman is directly related to how much a woman trusts herself and not God. God initiated this judgment on women, but He has provided the solution also.
Submission makes life about others because it follows the example of Jesus Christ. It applies to both men and women, slaves and masters, husbands and wives. Unfortunately, it's not spoken of correctly and, therefore, becomes a weapon to be used primarily against women.
Submission is the "S" word that is often used against women, especially wives. It is obviously misunderstood when used to try to force a change in behavior.
As some have asked, "Can I have it all and Jesus too?" The answer to that question depends on how you define "all"? Does it mean having the lifestyle of the rich and famous, what the world says is the life to attain to? Or, does it mean the eternal "all", things that God says are the real values of life—like the fruit of the Spirit.
When you read parts of the Bible it's easy to think, "Does that really apply today?" Especially Western societies, it's really easy to think that when reading Titus 2:4 where God is asking young women to be "...homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed." That can't be relevant for today, can it?
Even though the 1960's and 1970's may have coined the term "feminism", there is nothing new about it. And, even as Barbara Walters recently stated that feminism is an outdated word, the attitudes and ideas will remain until Christ returns.
God's Word clearly esteems mothers and women who focus their attention on the home. This does not mean that a women who works outside the is displeasing God. The issue is more an attitude of the heart rather than a choice between work or home. The Proverbs 31 wife was doing work outside the home, but her focus was primarily on the home, husband, and family.
This is the same thing God desires of older men. Why does God want this from the older believers (in age or spiritual maturity)? Because it is linked to verse 1—sound doctrine. When you are older in age or spiritual maturity, it makes sense that you should have learned how to act properly. Sound doctrine is God's word showing up in everyday life. That means you are decent in your conduct, clothing, actions, looks, and speech. Outward conduct driven from inward Godly principles.
The power of a REAL woman is significant, but that power does not come from being beautiful and sexy, it comes from helping. The world wants women to focus on the external, but God wants women to focus on the internal. He wants women to be just like Him—a HELPER!
Powerful is a key message of the world to women. Be powerful in order to protect yourself. And, that message is displayed in two forms—1) Powerful and Sexy or 2) Powerful not Sexy.
If you are focused on being respected—trying to get people to respect you—that's a fickle and dangerous game to play. You will end up being controlled by other people's values in order to gain their respect. Worse, the rules of the game are ambiguous and arbitrary, because what is respected today may not be tomorrow.
REAL men are clear on what really matters, and guess what, everything that really matters is non-material. In fact, you may already know that everything that is most valuable does not require any money—like the fruit of the Spirit.
REAL men don't love because someone deserves it. No matter how a person is acting ("love your enemies"), and sometimes you may think even your wife is your enemy, you still pursue their best. Love is not dependent on how you FEEL, because love is a DECISION.
REAL men aren't "Flashing their ME", they are selfless as they display the image of God (Powerful and Relational). The traits of a REAL man demonstrate that in spite of his powerful design (testosterone), he is asked to be relational also. Both can only be done through the power of the Holy Spirit living the life of Christ that we have been given.
Culture is drowning in gender confusion. What is a REAL man or REAL woman? There is certainly no desire to find the answer in God's Word, because culture would never consider God's Word as the "Who said so".
Like a knife and fork are designed differently for different purposes, God did the same with men and women. But, the world has no desire to promote clarity about the differences between men and women. And, Satan does not want those differences celebrated, because it is a celebration of the image of God. Men's design represents the Powerful elements of God's image and women's design represents the Relational elements of God's image.
It's not fair that they are making demands and not considering how much they need to change too—right? You may point that out to them, but they ignore it and continue to focus on what you need to change. In some relationships, like your boss or even a close friend, you may not say anything for fear of your losing your job or their friendship—but you are still thinking it!
It sounds completely wrong when I say, "I don't want you to have a better relationship." It sounds wrong, but it is TRUE! GR8 relationships doesn't teach about better or improved relationships—we want you to have relationships that are radically different! It's time to START doing relationships radically different—the same way God relates to you.,/p>
The term "bar ditch" is generally known in rural areas in the south. The common explanation of "bar ditch" involves creating drainage for a rural road. Dirt was taken from the sides of the road and used to build the road making it higher in the middle to drain water to the ditches on the sides.
The "Can You? - Will You? - When? Technique" is designed to help people think through their current behavior and decide whether they will change. For most behaviors, maybe all, you "can", but too many people do not define "can" correctly.
You probably have heard that God did not give us the 10 Suggestions, He gave us the 10 Commandments. That is very true, but there is a critical difference to be considered on how God sees the commands versus how we see the commands.
That energy is spent trying to get them to change and spent when they do not change in the time frame you want or expect. It creates stress and tension and it's all because you are trying to do something that even GOD DOES NOT DO! God does not make us change—He wants it, invites us to see how His way is best, but leaves it up to us to reject what is best for us!
Remember the "4 Mistakes That Cripple Relationships". (Go to chapter 5 to get the details.) Each mistake tries to control or limit the freedom of the people around you. Unfortunately, we only recognize the Dictator as being controlling.
Maybe you have heard, "Beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes to the bone." Actually, according to God, beauty—incorruptible beauty—is as deep as your soul. And, it's available without any exercise, medical procedures, pills, drugs or diets.
Louie and I have heard that many times from both men and women. Does that mean the biblical designs are wrong? Of course not. Just because I have a design does not mean that the design will be properly utilized. For example, have you ever used a common kitchen knife as a screwdriver? It can be used that way, but the design is not as useful as when the knife is used to spread jelly or butter on some bread.
Results AND Relating is a great principle for any relationship to use and it is imperative for great leadership. The principle is just another way to talk about the image of God—Separate, Powerful (Results)—Belonging, Relational (Relating).
Your relationships will be just like the couple above when the image of God is distorted. Men's testosterone puts a focus on power for men and women's estrogen-progesterone focus on relating. Of course, development can focus men on relating and women on power, so we have a real mess. Whether based on design or development, each of us tends to have a preference for power or relating. Too much power becomes "My way or the highway!" Too much relating becomes "Can't we all just get along!"
If the image of God is best described by the two words—Powerful and Relational, then we should be able to find scriptures to support the idea.
Here is what you may have been taught is the image of God: God has emotions—mankind has emotions; God has intellect—mankind has intellect; God has a will—mankind has a will. While true, here is a better option—God's image has something to do with maleness and femaleness. Genesis 1:26-27 are the first verses that use "image of God".
Women are an absolutely stunning creation and blessing from God. I can identify with Adam's pleasure when he first saw Eve. That is a common feeling when I look at Louie, even to this day.
Man is designed to WORK, but he needs a suitable companion, which is why God designed woman.
Without clarity of good and bad, anything goes. Satan wants us confused, thinking that things are not really good or bad. In fact, he wants you to think that things are complex, even those things that are plain and obvious. The primary strategy that he uses to add complexity to our life is was used with Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The common pattern everyone experiences has three simple steps and it sounds like this: “I was living this way. Then one day THIS happened. Now I live my life differently.”
A popular saying is "fake it till you make it". When you decide to have good thinking and act on that good thinking, often your emotions aren't supporting you. So, if you decide to follow good thinking, act on that good thinking, are you being a "fake" and, therefore, "faking it till you make it"?
Some people aren't interested in trying to get to a solution or find a way to get along - they just want to vent. Isn't that okay? What do you think about venting? Find out what we think about it by listening to this show.
To use the Magic Question tool properly you need good listening and question skills. It is designed to help people discover solutions rather than being told what to do. Try these steps on yourself and see what happens.
Do you have a favorite scary movie? Maybe the classic movie "Pyscho". Mine is the original "Alien" and even though it is my favorite, it's difficult to watch, because it does such a good job of scaring me with its special effects and story!
Freedom is an outstanding value for creating superior relationships. It is also an excellent value for leadership and management. When you combine freedom, consequences and self-governance, you have an excellent tool that we call the Freedom V.
The Antonov 225 is a very large airplane—350 tons and can carry 300 tons of cargo—but it flies! That must mean that gravity is not real OR there is a principle higher than gravity. Of course, gravity is real, but Bernoulli's Principle shows us that speed combined with the shape of a wing creates lift "defying" gravity.
Judging other people is so easy, isn't it? All it takes is to look around at all of the "other sinners" and start our judgmental engine. And, what is best about it, even if we don't know something that they are doing that's wrong, we still can speculate about how bad they are. When we are judgmental, we are not willing to accept someone the way they are—flawed, depraved humans just like us. Our "Flashing ME" wants to elevate ourselves above them to make us feel better.
When you operate with freedom toward others, you do not judge them. You can be disappointed with their behavior, but you recognize that any change they make will not last unless they decide to change.
When you want to be accepted by others you will be controlled by them. Now think about it, it’s their choice whether they will accept you—you must meet their standards (probably multiple standards) and even if you meet their standards, they still may not accept you. Ultimately it comes down to whether they want to accept you or not. And, if you really want to be accepted, you may compromise or ignore your values and beliefs. That's one reason why gangs work and good people do bad things they did not think they would do.
Past promises or goals you made can become obligations. It is no longer what you "want" it is now a “have to do”. Now all obligations are not evil, that is not the point. When you start sensing the "have to do" you begin to ignore that you still have freedom to do it or not. You have taken a desire or want, a good goal or commitment and now it requires compliance, blocking any sense of choice or freedom.
As with most of this relationship material, I represent the way to NOT be doing relationships. And, for this control people item, that's me! I speak control fluently and will tell you it severely damages relationships.
It's a very old problem, kids blaming their parents for how they turned out. And from the parents side, taking credit for the kids turning out well or feeling like losers when the kids don't. God speaks directly to that issue in Ezekiel 18.
You are "concerned" that you see sin in their life and you know from God's Word that the consequences of sin are never good. What should you do? Since they are free to sin, do you ignore it and hope they make another choice? Do you get involved and tell them about the sin and hope they change? Do you tell them about the sin and try to make them change? What if they never change?
When you consider freedom in a relationship, it most often is related to what we call irresponsible freedom. That would be like someone expressing their desire to have illicit affairs with other people despite them being married. But that is not the freedom that God speaks about.
Our working definition of freedom is "Acting without force or manipulation or acting without controlling or being controlled." Freedom is often not easy for us to understand, especially how it works in relationships. Without freedom in a relationship, you will never know if someone is relating to you simply because they want to. Go listen to "The Third Tool" on the Radio page to help you start understanding how freedom works in relationships. And, watch the "Freedom and Choice" videos in chapter 8.
You are probably not experiencing as much freedom as you think. Even when we are irresponsible with our freedom, not caring about others, we often become controlled by life, circumstances and people. Go listen to "Two Ways to Live and The Third Tool" on the Radio page to listen how we too often live in this Left Circle. And, watch the "Freedom for You: Two Circles" videos in chapter 8.
Forgiveness is so good for us, but it gets derailed when you combine things with it that do not belong. Reconciliation is one of those things that confuses people about forgiveness. Listen to hear how reconciliation is completely separate from forgiveness.
Forgiveness will heal a multitude of relationship problems, but it is not natural to consider it, especially shortly after someone has hurt you. The pain of what they did to you typically removes any thinking about forgiveness—the actual cure for you.
How is it possible that what attracts you to someone could actually become a big problem later in the same relationship? All couples are faced with this issue, so listen to hear how this works.
Whenever I hear someone say some version of "they are falling in love," it not only tells me they do not understand love, but also they are unlikely to know the basics of relationships. Unfortunately, if you believe people "fall in love" you must believe that people "fall out of love." What a horrible distortion of what love is and how to have a great relationship.
When you have difficulties in a relationship, it is easy to wonder how long will this be a problem. Worse yet, when one person is unwilling to make changes to help the relationship, it is very easy to wonder how long will you be able to take it. This is a very important message to everyone struggling with those thoughts.
If you want to see a transformation in your life, the Lord has graciously provided you all the steps to do just that. If you want coach someone to make any change or improve their life, then you need to hear the Godly way to do this.
How is it possible to have expectations like love and respect which are straight from God's Word, but those would actually hurt the relationship? Yes, that is exactly what you will learn in this show.