At The Well: Recent Episodes
Daniel Francis
Whether you're thirsty or just need a rest, pause At The Well. In a world that can sometimes settle for superficial distraction, At The Well tries to go deeper to fresher waters of significant personal and community growth by engaging the mind, the heart and sometimes the soul of listeners.
This time last year, there was a lot of uncertainty. We won’t go into details, but if you don’t remember, good for you!
And here we are at Thanksgiving again.
Decades ago, G. K. Chesterton wrote, “You say grace before meals. All right. But I say grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I dip the pen in the ink.”
We say grace – or thank you -- to you who read our blogs, attend our webinars, share our posts and tweets and support us financially. We relish the comments on Facebook or by email and love the ideas and suggestions you send our way. Alive ‘n Well is thrive ‘n weller with you and we thank you!
And we couldn’t be more grateful to the many who have purchased our new book, “Class is (Always) In Session.” If you haven’t already, the link to do so is included in this post.
Our sincere desire for you is that when you sit down this Thanksgiving—whether alone or with many—at a sumptuous feast or merely leftovers—you are filled with a gratitude that transcends food, football or any feelings, really. We hope you are mindful of the gift of your unique presence in this world; that you matter.
As we began with a quote, so we end. This from Thornton Wilder: “We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”
Have a graceful Thanksgiving and may your hearts and minds be full of the many treasures of life!
My brother Jim used to travel by plane for his work a lot more than he does now. And for a while, so did I. In an amazing coincidence, once he called me while we were both inside the Twin Cities airport in Minnesota- he was leaving and I was arriving. No time to meet, but we laughed at the irony -closer than a mile and yet connected only by phone.
The other night, my niece gave us a concert via Zoom. Probably 1400 miles away and connected by smiles and sounds.
Two people can live in the same house or sit in the same pew in Church and the distance can be felt more than a mechanical kiss or perfunctory sign of peace.
Alice and I recently watched a documentary of a woman who was raised in the Arctic, went back again in her 20s and then again in her 50s. She told lessons of survival, simplicity, gratitude and strength. And then I read an article in the Times about a 37-year-old woman diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer rejecting the idea of a bucket list. She just wanted to enjoy living and loving and experiencing life as she could.
What do airports have to do with the Arctic and technology with terminal illness? It’s about being awake, aware, alive and in touch with what is going on now- certainly outside of me (what I can change) but most acutely that truth that is deep within. Nothing is as close to us as the true self that so wonderfully bugs us to live in freedom and joy.
I heard it said that failure is simply early attempts at success. It’s important to realize that what we learn from our failures can be important stepping stones. Listen to some of the experts: "No pressure, no diamonds." -Mary Case "I have not failed; I have just found 10,000 ways that don't work." -Thomas Edison "Failure is just the opportunity to begin again; this time more intelligently." -Henry Ford "It's not that I'm so smart; I just stay with the problems longer." -Albert Einstein "When you are going through hell... keep going!" -Winston Churchill '
When we train ourselves to look at "failures" as learning experiences and course corrections, obstacles become teachers and setbacks are part of the curriculum. Einstein said, "If I only have an hour to solve a problem, I will spend 55 minutes asking the right question and then 5 minutes solving the problem." So what's the question you need to ask at this moment? What can get you from the life you are living now to the life you know you want to live? Do the "gremlins" taunt you that you can't or do you allow the mind monkeys to rattle your mental cage with negativity? What's the best version of your life? Are you living it now? Why not?
This last Wednesday of August is a golden opportunity for us to take inventory of what’s going on in our life and where we’re headed (perhaps you've heard that "if you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there"). Last year I read A Year to Live by Stephen Levine (Bell Tower, 1997). Having been a hospice worker for many years, he accompanied the dying and knows the territory surrounding the last days of people's lives. And so he embarked on a year-long experiment to "practice dying as the highest form of wisdom" (Socrates) and shared how such conscious living forces us to examine our priorities. Regarding the subject of near-death occurrences, he writes: Most who returned from such an experience came back with three very precious insights: an increased appreciation of life, a diminished fear of death, and a new sense of purpose (p. 123). So as we end August, imagine how you want this month to end and perhaps a new version of your life to begin.
When my wife and I began to make our home together, we went through the collective stuff we brought along. Alice's mother had passed away not long before and we had her stuff in a closet- old cookbooks, quilter's magazines, postcards and meticulously detailed financial records. Then we saw a box that was labeled "old negatives." I knew what they were- those strips of celluloid that accompanied photos the store developed for you (remember that we actually had to wait a week to have our Kodak moments processed?). But I got to thinking- how many "old negatives" do we carry around? Moments in time that stand still: being bullied in 4th grade, overlooked by family when we did something extraordinary, decades-old disagreements... so many snarled snapshots of the past when an argument, break-up or accusation was transferred onto our mind's canvas... and whenever a thought, memory, smell or emotion brings it up, the curtains open and the drama is re-played.
THERE'S A DIFFERENT WAY TO LIVE.
What if we learned to cultivate "new positives"? Imagine if we had a mantra for tough days that went something like, "This is only how my life looks like now..." Is it possible for you to think forward, have a future memory and just know that your life is beginning to look like you want it? Wouldn't it be much more life-giving to have new positives beckon you onward rather than define yourself by the crippled story of old negatives?
The late Anthony DeMello writes: Imagine that you're unwell and in a foul mood, and they're taking you through some lovely countryside. The landscape is beautiful but you're not in the mood to see anything. A few days later you pass the same place and you say, "Good heavens, where was I that I didn't notice all of this"? Everything becomes beautiful when you change. Or you look at the trees and the mountains through windows that are wet with rain from a storm, and everything looks blurred and shapeless. You want to go right out there and change those trees, change those mountains. Wait a minute, let's examine your window. When the storm ceases and the rain stops, and you look out the window, you say, "Well, how different everything looks". We see people and things not as they are, but as we are. That is why when two people look at something or someone, you get two different reactions.
Put this program into action, a thousand times:
(a) identify the negative feelings in you;
(b) understand that they are in you, not in the world, not in external reality;
(c) do not see them as an essential part of "I"; these things come and go;
(d) understand that when you change, everything changes.
"Will you get your steps in today?" "Did you get a badge?" "What was your average HR during your walk?" If you don't understand these questions, you probably don't have a smartwatch or fitness tracker. To call our business Alive 'n Well means that literally we are "walking the walk." Except for the occasional all-day rain, daily we get outside and get our exercise- either walking, running or biking: usually around 3 miles. Saturdays we try to go for more than 6. I promise that I’m not saying this to impress you but to encourage you. Back to steps…
Did you know that the now sacred bar of "getting in your 10,000 steps" has its origins in a Japenese company that invented a device in 1965 called Manpo-kei, which translates to “10,000 steps meter" (there are crazy stories of competition among fitness fakes who have put their Apple watchers or Fitbits on fast dogs or fan blades to inflate their numbers). But whether you're doing your 10K steps for bragging rights or bolstering your immune system, what I like about walking is that it gets us outside into unconditioned air: time to admire lawns and gardens; wave to neighbors and other walkers; look for hawks; listen for the great-horned owl; smell gardenias and jasmine; identify planets and stars. It's so good to stretch our legs after time at our desks; it is said that too much sitting is the new smoking.
Do you remember the walkman (I still have one) that played a cassette tape (I do not have any😜)? How about the fact that the name of the product was telling us to get moving! Love it. So I say to you: walkwoman, walkman! If you can and are able, get outside and move your legs. It's not only good for your body but also refreshing for your mind. Nietzsche once said, “It is only ideas gained from walking that have any worth.” Thoreau, another avid walker, claimed, “The moment my legs begin to move my thoughts begin to flow.” So, if you don't like the outdoors (heat, skeeters, the virus, sidewalk cracks and other obstacles), walk indoors: plug in the treadmill; go up and down the stairs or just one step; walk around the couch or kitchen. If you don’t feel alive and well, get up and Walkman!
I have to tell you that this happens every time I watch the Olympic Games. I see mostly young people, highly trained, incredibly motivated, disciplined and driven! They have been working for this moment for a long time: to go farther, faster, higher, longer- in water, on ice, in the air, on snow, in a court, on a field. You see citizens of the world competing—or literally in hand-to-hand combat like judo or boxing—fighting to win. And then there is the moment of congratulations and, even through disappointment, sportspersonship carries the day as the runner up or Bronze medalist congratulates the others.
And every time I watch these citizens of nearly every country, I wonder why we can’t live this way: in peace, mutual respect and international cooperation. The Olympics motto is “We move forward when we move together.” And the organizing committee for the Tokyo Olympics adds “United by Emotion.”
I remember in the Cold War of the 80s wanting America to win more medals than Russia. Unfortunately, it’s also when the stockpiling of nuclear warheads was of Olympic proportions and the concept of MAD- mutually assured destruction- had people wondering if might was just not right.
Even if you’re not a sports enthusiast, the opening and closing ceremonies can’t help but bring to mind our better angels- who we really are as a global village showcasing the best from our little block of the neighborhood.
During the sailing portion of the Seoul Olympics of 1998, Canadian sailor Lawrence Lemieux abandoned his race mid-competition to help Singaporeans, whose boat had capsized under 35-knot winds, leaving the pair in danger of being carried out to sea. Lemieux, who was on course to finish second in that day’s race, threw away his medal chances to help them out. He battled through harsh currents and forceful winds to ensure his competitors’ safety.
With Covid, terrorism, hackers and corrupt organizations, we should offer medals to those who make this world safer, stronger, friendlier and sturdier.
Last week I spoke with a friend who retired from his 50-year practice as a doctor. At first, it was a bit jarring, he admitted; but eventually, he is happier and lighter and freer. I told him that he made his transition well. Some folks don’t fare the same. Speaking of transitions, In a podcast I heard a while ago, a professional sportsman told a familiar story: early success, lots of money, a big house, supportive wife and two kids. Then the story went to a place familiar only to some readers- he revealed that he had cancer. When the doctor informed him of this fact, his response was not "Why me?" but rather "Why not me?" As a life coach, I wonder how this person was able to be ready for this news, this new normal, this "sentence." By naming our website and initiative "Alive 'n Well", we know that many people are quite the opposite: ailing and suffering...and we know there are those who are sick and tired of being sick and tired! This is precisely why we felt compelled to begin something so positive-sounding and health-promoting. We are also aware that there are people who are doing "okay" but could be consciously or unconsciously contributing to--or absorbing--the negativity that is rife during these strange times. We want to do our part and lessen the impact of this kind of negativity. Whether you are busy working or working to keep busy; tired or retired; have chronic pain or are one… we are here for you.
Ross Gay in his work called “A Book of Delights” has an essay entitled “Tomato on Board” which begins:
“What you don’t know until you carry a tomato seedling through the airport and onto a plane is that carrying a tomato seedling through the airport and onto a plane will make people smile at you almost like you’re carrying a baby.”
Gay goes on to talk about a flight attendant’s concern for the plant as well as fellow passengers. I can understand this. I think there is something in all of us that appreciates tenderness and care- whether we see a father stooping to give something to a baby in a carriage, a grandmother on the carpet with a playful puppy or teenager and a pony.
To give care is to bring up—let surface—the love and compassion from within. You can’t manufacture nor fake that kind of love. It’s solid when it emanates from the truest place in you.
I remember in the 70s learning that some football players were given dance and tap lessons to better move on the field.
What if we treated each other like vulnerable tomato seedlings? What’s better- imagine if doing so allowed us to nurture and grow what has already been planted inside us?
The other day, Alice and I were waiting our turn to speak with our health insurance provider. It was our first time at their new office and it was brand new. However, they forget to provide privacy rooms for the clients. I promise you on the Stanley Cup that I was not trying to eaves drop. But because of the man’s passion and volume (he was upset and large), I found out that besides issues with coverage of mounting bills and some doctors’ rejections, he told the associate (and everyone in the room) that he has cancer.
I’m old enough to remember when this word, like being pregnant, was whispered if avoided in polite company.
But he mentioned his condition as if it were athlete’s foot or arthritis.
Many years ago a friend told me that she had cancer but cancer didn’t have her. Rose was a fighter and made the most of the few years she lived after the diagnosis.
All this makes me wonder, at the well here with you, what would you do if you knew you had a couple of months to live? Where would you spend your time, your money, your energy, your focus?
I ask this because I wish we could all feel both the tenuousness of life as well as its miracle. To live each day as if it were our last… I know it feels impossible to live that kind of intensity, but why not try?
In meditation, if you get distracted, bring your mind back to your mantra or to the peace within. What if we try to live this daily miracle and simply return when we get distracted by bills, bothers or bad news? Meaning: what if we lived life well until we died?
As I write this, Hurricane Elsa has been downgraded. It has yet to cross Cuba and might yet gain speed as it makes its way north toward the US. Where or when it will hit has meteorologists guessing. It’s that time of year again, for sure. We hope that most people heed warnings and evacuate if necessary or make precautions. Living in Florida, we see signs for hurricane preparedness all the time. Companies that sell and install windows tout hurricane-proof rating strength; tree companies will trim "widow-makers" for a fee. One mayor says that she consistently warns her people to be ready in an hour to leave home- bags packed with important documents, water, medicine and food for Fido. When I was young, the code words issued by mom or dad that "company was coming" meant to get the home ready: empty the overflowing kitchen trash bin, clean the bathroom, vacuum the foyer and gussy up a bit. Years later I ask myself why it took visitors to force us to make the house nicer. The body and psyche cannot live in a "what if" mode all the time- the stress would eventually take its toll and possibly lead to worse problems later on. And yet, there's something about the 20/20 vision of hindsight that seems to get lost on us. I wonder if we sometimes redact yesterday's memories in order to avoid making the changes necessary for quality living today. If this is you, what are you waiting for? Do what you need to do to live the life you want today. Why wait for a warning, a doctor’s words, the death of a loved one or some other omen. You will be so happy you acted now in clear skies than when you did so because you were forced to.
From the toddler who doesn't want to hold Mommy's hand (for a moment) to the child who can ride a bike without training wheels to the teenager who leaves home for college or a career, there's something about independence that has its own origin and power. That I-can-do-it-myself spirit is both a sign of natural growth as well as healthy individuation. When "these" United States of America decided that taxation without representation was not helping our young republic form itself, the training wheels came off and an amazing experiment in democracy was born. And yet... we still are growing and maturing. As a nation, the teenage "acne" of racial discrimination persists, and we've still got some work to do about that glass ceiling and equal gender pay. The good news is that our country can handle this continuing revolution. The word itself can mean circling and rolling. Perhaps this is the liminal dance that freedom requires; and the correctives, while scary for some, are contractions that signal a new birthing. As the character who plays the hotel proprietor in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel says: “The only real failure is the failure to try, and the measure of success is how we cope with disappointment."
Alice and Daniel Francis, co-founders of Alivenwell.net, speak about what this past year has meant and what Alive 'n Well can provide future seekers of health, peace, wellness, wholeness and positivity!
My late father was in many ways a beautifully simple man. Despite becoming Master Chief in the Navy while working as a cryptologist in amazing places like Turkey, Morocco and southern Spain, he kept his life uncomplicated- loved his wife and seven kids, embraced a strong faith and did not shirk domestic chores. While my mom helped enormously to make ends meet by working full-time as a floral designer, Dad got us up in the morning for school with breakfast ready, made our bag lunches and then went off to Ft. Meade (NSA), MD Monday to Friday, from 8am to 6pm. When he came home, no matter what Mom had on the stove or in the oven, he would often say, as he greeted her with a kiss, "Smells great! I can't wait to eat." While Mom was an introverted Slovak-American, Dad was the extroverted one with Italian roots. He would make friends with anyone. Toward the end of his life, when Alzheimer's took much of his mind away, he would continue to display affection such as kissing the hand of the driver who took care to seatbelt him on the bus before taking him to what we affectionately called "Daddy Day Care." In his later years, when eating something he enjoyed or spotting something amazing or hearing a song in church, he would say, "I feel like I've died and gone to heaven." I remember an elderly couple whom I met years ago. They loved each other so much and had such a soulful relationship that they told me going to heaven could only be a "lateral move" as they were experiencing it here on earth.
So as we celebrate Father's Day, here's to our dads living and deceased.
On Sunday mornings, as Mom was readying the gaggle of us for Church, there was on occasion a discordance. If we were ahead of schedule (rarely for the nine of us in the Francis Family) and hair was disheveled or shirts untucked, she would admonish us to "look presentable for Mass." If we were running late (which was normal even if it was the last Church service), Mom would say "Let's go! God doesn't mind how you look." Years later I know that there are very few absolutes in life, that things change and people do, too. Sometimes we say things for certain times and then adapt them for others. And I'm okay with that. As a life coach, I observe incongruities and inconsistencies as part of the process of naming "our stuff" in order to point us toward places for growth. Everyone has at least one truly deep story that has defined them (positively or not) and when life presents a new narrative, the possibilities can be transformative! Think of Moses at the bush, Saul on Damascus road, Nelson Mandela in prison. I said above that there are few absolutes. One of these is that you are not finished with your story yet. I have an amazing aunt who is ninety-three and very much "alive 'n well"... just the other night she was smiling, laughing and appreciating that 25 of us in the family just Zoomed with her. Or there's Sal who--at the same age of ninety-two--published his fourth book.... oh, and by the way, he also narrated it as an audiobook. This is not to say necessarily that you have to be productive or technologically savvy. But the truth is that you, whoever you are listening right now, you are not done with your story. As I wrote in my blog last week, why mull over regrets when you can relish in crazy wonderful! My Mom had it correct both ways: "Be presentable" and "God doesn't mind how you look."
Get on with your story!
Often on one of our walking routes, Alice and I see a dog in the yard. He's curious and sometimes barks while wagging his tail. He'll move with us- we on the street and he along the grass. But the dog never leaves the yard. Is there an invisible/electric fence? Is he well-trained? Could he not be bothered? Did you ever hear of The Baby Elephant Principle? Basically, it’s the idea that an immature elephant--tied to a stake while growing up--will think that it can’t move even when there is no longer a stake or rope present. Similarly, there was an experiment done in the last century whereby pike fish living in a tank were separated from minnows by a glass plate. After a while, the pike had bumped into the glass partition so often that they stopped going after the minnows, even after the partition was removed. Are you stuck in the "same ol' same ol'" thinking? What are the (in)visible ropes or partitions that keep you from taking the next step? Let me ask another question: do you know what your "next step" is?
- An exercise regimen
- A (new) job
- Retirement
- Cleaning up that "oh my God!" room
- Talking with your doctor
- Beginning--or finishing--that project
If you hold back your true, next step it's like not dealing with what's going on inside. As a friend of mine learned when going through recovery, "When you bury your feelings, they are buried alive." They will, in a sense, haunt you until they find healthy expression in a constructive channel. So who or what is holding you back? If you think you can or cannot... you are correct.
"Your eyes are too big for your stomach." Although she didn't coin it, my mom was the first one I heard this phrase from. We were at the local 7-Eleven. This didn't happen often. With seven kids and a mortgage, snacks or meals outside of the house were a rare treat. I saw my older brother order a Slurpee and wanted the same thing, same size. Her warning only emboldened me to want it more. Of course I didn't finish it... well, not right away. Truthfully, by the time the brain freeze was over, so was my taste for the drink which had become a slurry mess of liquid sugar. Likewise, I wonder sometimes if our hearts are too small for our souls. We want--oh how much we want-- but settle for what rarely satisfies.
The junk food of talking heads might temporarily appetize; tweets or posts that merely confirm my "position" might initially appease; pointing out what's wrong with this or that might-for a moment-appeal...but there arises a time when the deepest part of me just craves something better, higher or deeper; I need something more authentic, long-lasting and solid. Maybe it might help during these times to see the bigger picture. For example, if you were only to see a dentist with a needle of Novocain, it would look barbaric unless you know it's going to help your child with her impacted tooth. When I was given my Shingles shot, my body felt like I had done a 4-hour workout! But I know what it will prevent, and that makes all the difference.
Being able to have a wider view enables us to filter out and filter in)... who doesn't want that lightness of being? It makes it so much easier to travel when you have less encumbrance. I firmly believe that by spending time in the quiet and still places within we can tap the inner, natural harmony we are designed for. To do this we need to learn how to tune out the mindless chatter that takes up vital space in our mind and heart. To be in harmony's way is like stopping your ears when a beautiful concert is playing. As T. S. Eliot writes in The Four Quartets”
"We must be still and still moving / Into another intensity / For a further union
Honesty seems to be in short supply these days- well, that depends on whom you ask. From different political spectrums, there is the big lie or the stolen election. An ousted Republican conservative gets high approval from liberal democrats. What is happening? Who are these people? A fact- that someone hacked into one oil company's software- that fact spun untruths throughout the nation, especially in the southeast where I live. People protest and police protect and onlookers can post anything they think about nearly anyone not only without repercussions but with thinly veiled hopes that their views go viral and perhaps they might even make a name for themselves. Forgive me if I sound alive but snarky, but perhaps sometimes it's hard to be a loving, positive witness to what looks like a slow-mo crumbling. Kinda like America's Funniest Videos when we can all see that the ladder is leaning and he's going to meet the ground soon! But he's okay, thank God, and there are safer ways to reach higher, sturdier ladders and stronger bridges. We are better than the negative discourse which will never define us. There's too much to love and far too many folks doing amazing things without the need for headlines that deserve headlines. How we (you, listening to this podcast and I)... how we live this moment, this day of our lives is the gift of love we give ourselves and others. I heard these lines the other day and are attributed to some obscure person only known as Victor Gray: "....I love the look in people’s eyes when they realize they’re in love. I love the way people look when they first wake up and they’ve forgotten their surroundings. I love the gasp people take when their favorite character dies. I love when people close their eyes and drift to somewhere in the clouds. I fall in love with people and their honest moments all the time. I fall in love with their breakdowns and their smeared makeup and their daydreams. Honesty is just too beautiful to ever put into words."
I’m at the age now when my nieces and nephews are having babies. Talk about feeling “oldish.” Last September I received a text-picture of my brother’s grandson and his baby sister ready for their first day back to school; somehow I could pick up that new clothes smell through my phone. Do you remember the jitters or joy (or combination of both) the week before, the night before, your first day back to school? Sometime in the late 90s, I was with another brother at his house when several of his kids were waiting for the bus at the bottom of the hill. It was another first day back to school and parents had set up tables of bagels and juice, fruit and snacks. What a wonderful way for families to celebrate this minor rite of passage. It seems that the longer I live the more I'm discovering new classrooms. It is said that when the student is ready, the teacher arrives. I'm not so sure, because there are times when a lesson has been thrust upon me uninvited or the test is not an open book; some answers are not erasable and others have no grading curve mercy. On the other side of the teacher's desk, I recall the summer of 1986 when I was tutoring adults in poor, rural Appalachia. What pride in their eyes when these coal miners could finally pen their name and differentiate "V as in valley" from "W as in water." Somehow they got convinced that it was never too late to go back to school. I was honored to help them get there. The truth is that we stop learning and growing and widening our horizon only at our peril. A Turkish proverb suggests that one should "fear an ignorant man more than a lion." Perhaps we can all take a page from the eager kids online at home or masked in a classroom: to be amazed by the lessons which abound all around is to know it's not too late... and teachers are everywhere!
On the exact day of the month we got married and for every month of that first year, no matter the weather or temperature, Alice and I had a ritual: go to the grocery store to pick up a pre-ordered cake (identical to the one we had for our wedding) then head to the Gulf of Mexico, about 50 minutes from our home. Twice we got there only to take a quick walk before sunset (due to the job I had at the time); another month it was so cold (yes, in Tampa!) that we ate our cake in the car; but it never rained and on many occasions, we were able to swim and sun and read and eat, enjoying the mostly isolated beach time. Due to COVID-19 we're still being careful and haven’t been to the beach and probably won't for several more weeks. Last year, our friend Carole sent us a web link to an article whose author described beach activity as a metaphor for learning from life. One lesson, in particular, caught my eye: Seek Out Calm Waters. Yes, you can boogie board or surf the waves or float on your back or sit and splash...but there is that place just beyond the breaking waves that is an oasis. Sometimes it's even a sandbar you can stand on! Like this pandemic, the onus (and opportunity) for us is to look for and find new places of peace- harbors in the storm, jetties for protection. Perhaps for you that's a meditation app or a walk in a park, maintaining physical distancing. Maybe you can try yoga for the first time or take it up again after many years, or click on a Youtube stretching video that connects you with your body and links you to your inner fulcrum. You see, our primal posture is peace. What the beach (or your favorite place) does is simply REMIND us of what is inside. Other resources are Alice's guided meditations here. Find your oasis today or this weekend. Seek out your calm seas amidst these crazy times. Your future self with thank you and it will provide memorable munchies for grateful grazing.
The third day of the week I like to call chooseday. I know it’s corny. Anyone who knows me understands that I like to play with words....and, okay, am a bit silly. But really every day is chooseday- meaning, we have the choice how we are going to frame this day. To be clear: we don't choose much of what comes our way, but we can guide how we handle and receive it. That's the "framing" part of our choice-making today and every day. For example, why is it that some people don't get upset with other drivers or insulting Facebook posts or that the store is still out of Clorox wipes? Is it because they were endowed with more patience or that they don't care? No, you see these folks have learned the life lesson of knowing what things can be controlled and what can't. Think about it: why would you ever want to cede your power and--more importantly--your peace over to someone else? And yet, isn't that what happens when we get upset by what someone else has done or said or didn't do or say? Let today be your chooseday: YOU be the one to select your emotions and actions (and reactions). Resist letting someone else steal what ultimately is your inalienable right to freedom. You do not need to have your emotions hijacked by someone else's dangerous driving or temperamental tweets. As spiritual writer, Eknath Easwaran says: As human beings, we have been born with the capacity to make choices. No other creature has this capacity, and no human being can avoid this responsibility. Every day, whether we see it or not, we have a choice of two alternatives in what we do, say, and think. These alternatives are: what is pleasant and what is beneficial. The first pleases us now. The second may be unpleasant at the beginning, as anyone who has begun a physical fitness program knows; but it will improve our health and contribute to our peace of mind. Both choices promise satisfaction. One we get immediately, but it comes and goes; the other requires effort, but its benefits stay with us and often benefit those around us as well. Have a good chooseday!"
There's a lake not too far from our house. My wife and I love to walk there and do so nearly daily. If we have old bread we feed it to the fish, turtles and occasional seagull or crow. Oftentimes, there is no one there at the little beach or on the boardwalk. When there are no boaters and the wind is holding its breath, the hush of the water mirrors the sky above and the house and trees on the other side of the lake. It reminds me of my many years "up north" where the temperatures froze the pond water for us college students to skate or play hockey. There was a solid stillness that made the ice seem as if it were a mirage. What's real and not merely a mirage is that the calmer you are inside, the more you are able to reflect back that stillness outside of you. In 2004 I went on sabbatical and spent a month in a cabin in upstate New York. Perhaps I was trying to channel my inner Henry David Thoreau, but there were whole days when I was able to sit, meditate, be still and just notice things. I suppose if someone saw me they might have perceived a man “wasting time." I'll admit it was a luxury few people have or use. What was not a waste was trying to whittle away the parts of me that had become fragmented and couldn't find a place to fit- churning waters which betrayed unsettled depths. One day, sitting on the porch after scrumptious porridge, I spied a black bear at most two hundred yards away. For 30 minutes, either not smelling me (they have poor eyesight) or not caring, the bear loped along in its own world nibbling berries by the stream. And then--as quickly as it came into view--it disappeared into the thicket. Don't you find that, when you take the time to stop and be still or just slow down and pause with a cup of coffee or slice of apple, you're better able to see beyond the morass of chaos into the ordinary, beautiful--sometimes shockingly simple--exhilarations of just living and breathing?
In the past two weeks, two people we know committed suicide. The Church that I was brought up in used to refuse funerals for such souls. Thankfully, so much has changed, including compassion, love and support for the family of the deceased. What hasn’t changed, however, is that people you and I have known somehow find themselves at a place in their life where ending it seems to be the only solution. As a life coach, I rarely speak to the level of emotional duress or psychological pain- that’s for professionals, but even they cannot always reach someone.
So what can we do? Besides love and support as I already mentioned, not judge. As Ryan Holiday said in a recent podcast, we have no idea what people are going through. As an example, he mentioned “the tragic and premature death of Chadwick Boseman, [whereby] pictures showed him to be alarmingly thin and haggard. In comments sections and meme accounts, people joked at the effects of a few months of quarantine. Others called him Crack Panther, implying that drugs were to blame for his radical change in appearance. Of course, we now know why he looked that way. He was dying of stage four colon cancer. He had only a few more days to live.”
We have no idea what most people are going through- the neighbor who puts on extra weight; the zoom mate you’ve been working with over the past year starts making error after error. The angry driver. Even the Karen who is melting down at Target captured by iPhone.
Who knows what private struggles people are going through, what kind of pain they are bearing or unable to bear. The truth is that we have the option of having no opinion.
If you know someone struggling with life and they reach out to you, by all means help them in any way you can. Otherwise, let’s all mind our business. Our criticism helps no one, nor does pointing out faults or highlighting failures. The truth is that we have the option of having no opinion.
I subscribe to Instructables, an open-source website that features projects made from scratch or with ordinary objects lying around. It never fails to amaze me how creative and productive people can be when they see something different than the rest of us. My uncle Bob was such a one. Ever resourceful, he could fix motors and machines. On weekends, he descended upon yard sales to haggle and buy "broken" things only to repair and sell them for a handsome profit.
Alice and I also marvel at how imaginative designers get on home improvement shows. One of our favorite TV couples is Ben and Erin Napier from Home Town. It's not uncommon for them to reclaim wood pulled from a demolished wall and convert it into a window box garden or porch swing.
Back to Instructables... one of their bylines is "A Happy Place" and reads: Making things makes people happy. We can't prove it, but we know it to be true. Find your happy place... Where's your happy place? I don't mean an address or location... rather, what do you do or love that promotes your inner joy? May I suggest that if it's not coming from within, it probably won't last long. Perhaps some of the trash of these trying times might inspire you to consider a hidden treasure that was there all along.
Who could have imagined last year that we’d still be wearing masks and physically distancing at this time?
It’s easy to understand the reactions of people who feel robbed of time and events, lonely because of isolation, financially strapped due to loss of income. We know of a family of five who have survived well only because of separate rooms and a robust internet for each device being used.
Hope, like Spring, is the air with now-familiar names such as Moderna, Pfizer and Johnson & Johnson. Memes of masks have been replaced by pics of vaccine cards.
In a sense, all of these last 12+ months have felt like a somber, sterile Lent and now there is light at the tunnel’s end. Easter might not yet boast of packed churches and proud choirs, but normalcy inches toward us with every age group allowed to be jabbed.
Isn’t that a funny concept which, with each flu season, we can easily take for granted? To be healthy, we must be jabbed. We get protected from…because what is to be feared OUT THERE is now inside, telling our body how to fight off the potential threat from outside.
Imagine if that were true for positive thinking and proactive living? The Good News is that it is! This Easter, no matter what your religion or spirituality, could you embrace the idea that once you’ve been INNOCULATED with the knowledge of your original goodness and authentic grace, nothing and no one—no personal issue or problematic relationship—can sicken you anymore.
We’re not saying things won’t bug you ever again or you that you’ll never have to re-assess the way you think or say or do what you do; but what you can be confident about is that your inner alignment is true and trustworthy. With the Risen One, fears and falsehoods have been crucified between yesterday’s regrets and tomorrow’s torments; in a sense, as St. Francis has it: you have died to your old self in order to be born to eternal life.
Happy Easter. Amidst the eggs and chocolate bunnies, the meal and music… we wish you and those you love health, joy and much love.
"It is easy to be bleak about the human race, but there are people who have proved to me that we can be better than we are,"" writes Dr. Peniel Joseph. After the mass shooting in Boulder, CO yesterday, Alice and I continue to look for and draw inspiration from people who remind us of our best and highest. Proofs of human goodness are everywhere and always outnumber instances of cruelty and hatred. How is it possible we are 3 months into the new year already? How relative time is, no?. I've heard parents of young children say that sometimes one minute lasts an hour and a year is like a day. The author of a memoir I read in January agrees: ""'The days are long but the years are short,' some say about the early years of child rearing. I remember some days being almost gelid in their slowness when Solo was a baby. I had never experienced time so consciously. Collapsed on the bed with him in strong afternoon sunshine, holding him up to the light and watching the light inside of him, listening to his birdsong. Time moved as though through honey." -Elizabeth Alexander, The Light of the World: A Memoir
We are only three months into this new year and there are still all sorts of possibilities. It's almost like a blank slate. We have the ability to re-start (or course correct) at any time, any day or even this hour. And there's something very rich and perfect about a RESET- ask any gamer or people who play video games. And there is no time like April- the first full month of Spring-to do this. How about some possibilities? Go to our website, alivenwell.net and click on the link that’s flashing at the top called, what else? April Powers… may a shower of ideas whet your appetite for a better you!
Happy St. Paddy’s Day! In June of 2010 I was in Limerick Ireland giving a week of talks. Good timing because while I was there they completed and opened the tunnel which runs under the River Shannon. There is something so amazing about knowing that millions of liters of water are flowing just above. The confluence, may I say, of human ingenuity, the force of nature and structural engineering is a thing to behold.
After walking the 2,000 feet of tunnel, I bought a scone and sat on a bench overlooking the river. From above all you can see is the flow of water. If you told ancient Celts that people were walking beneath the river, they would have ridiculed you with a shillelagh.
All which brings me to ask, what are the invisible currents going on in your head? Is the flow of thoughts in your mind mosquitoey and constant? Are you able to stand under (understand) that you are not your thoughts, nor your feelings? You have them and that’s better than your thoughts having you! No, YOU have them and can notice them and let them go.
Just as I saw a herring gull riding the current on the River Shannon, watch your thoughts flow downstream and observe them.
You can also be moderately interested in them- curious might be a better word, but don’t let them pull you in. Don’t drown in yesterday’s could-have-beens or tomorrow’s might-bes or even today’s why-is-this-happenings. The water, whether flowing slow or swiftly, is not your speed. You are not moving…you are on the shore….still. No need to let what is floating by move you. This is not so much stoic as sensible.
Jon Kabat-Zinn says When we are able to find stillness within an activity, we touch moments of freshness, insight, and an awareness that allow us to see what’s right in front of us in completely new ways—when the mind gets out of its own way.
Perhaps an ancient Irish blessing might guide us today and for many days:
“May God give you
For every storm, a rainbow,
For every tear, a smile,
For every care, a promise,
And a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends,
a faithful friend to share,
For every sign, a sweet song,
And an answer for each prayer.”
An elderly friend called some time ago. Recently, because of stability issues, Patrick relies on the help of a cane. He told me that the nurse had to instruct him by saying, "Don't look down when you walk!" It must be quite a change: 80 years walking without assistance, putting one foot in front of the other... and you wake up one day and have to learn to lean on a stick for mobility. I can't remember the first time I skated, but I can imagine how often I looked down at my feet. When my father took the training wheels off my bike, I was ecstatic; but I was apologetic and embarrassed when I slammed into the back bumper of a parked car on the street because I was looking down. At times we'll ask someone who appears sad, "Why are you looking so down?" When I was taking counseling classes, some fellow students would make fun of psychology as "navel-gazing", or looking too much inwards. But perhaps there is some truth to that. What I've learned from Life is that there is so much to miss if you don't look up and around. Sure, there's a place and time for looking down (at your self) and behind (where you've come from). But Life is so full of teachers and lessons, gifts and surprises, new experiences and constant reminders... looking down can--well--get you down! The ostrich may never see unpleasantness, but she doesn't see reality either. A wise teacher once wrote: "How you see is what you see." Do you see? If not, look up!
"Have you ever experienced the frustration associated with installing a computer or smartphone update which touts improvements and "fixes", only to find out it's maddeningly difficult to get accustomed to and navigate? Apple and Microsoft often want us to upgrade the software versions of our hardware. All this leads me to ask, What version of your life are you on? Come on- you can't still be living out of the version you were when you were a child or teenager or even young adult? For sure there are tones and hues from those days, but you have radically changed. So...what ""fixes"" have chiseled you to be the person you are now? What are you still working on? Carl Jung once wrote, ""You are what you do, not what you tell me you do."" Are you living your best life now? Is your operating system set on the highest volume of Integrity and Passion? Cheryl Richardson, life coach and best-selling author, says that your mission is not where you currently are, but where you want to be. Whenever I watch basketball or soccer I'm impressed when a player simultaneously does three things while on the move: controls the ball, evades a defender and--because he snatches glimpses of the playing field in front of him--knows which teammate he'll eventually pass to. His eye is on a goal, but the next smartest move might be to give it to someone else. To be a good player you have to have a wide view, determination and patience. What are your goals? What have you been kicking around these past few years? What would be your next move and why? The third month now into this new year, take a moment and realize that if you don't act on life (choose what YOU want to do), then life will certainly act on you. Isn't it true? How often do we let someone else's mood or another driver's carelessness change us? Why do we give away our peace so easily? And what can we do to maintain peace in the face of circumstances that challenge it? The first step is to recognize the fact that we're dealing on the level of thought. And then to understand: I can choose to think differently despite how I feel. Once you recognize this freedom, know that YOU are the director: you can write the script of how your day will go- at least internally. Years ago, perhaps on a gloomy day, Robert Frost penned these words:
The way a crow Shook down on me The dust of snow From a hemlock tree Has given my heart A change of mood And saved some part Of a day I had rued. Imagine if the rankling remains of this pandemic is what awakens us to be the best version of ourselves?
When I was in college, one of my classmates shared the fact that he suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.). For years, as autumn turned to winter his moods would swing, his energy would sap and he'd have low-grade depression. Some people talk about the "winter blues", a seasonal funk that kidnaps motivation or displaces energy. For sure, dark late-afternoons that limit time outside can deprive you of outdoor exercise, gardening or other COVID-safe experiences. Maybe this is why Christmas lights, decorated trees and holiday TV specials get us in a good mood- they counterbalance the gloomier feelings. But unless you are sidelined by these feelings, what if you took the time and created the space to listen to them? I hope you know feelings won't kill you, even if they could disturb you; sometimes inner disturbance isn't a bad thing: it often offers vital information. C.S. Lewis once wrote: You have stood before some landscape, which seems to embody what you have been looking for all your life … All the things that have deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it– tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest– if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself–you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say "Here at last is the thing I was made for." Rather than a dark, dreary disposition, experiencing the fullness of this season could open up all sorts of possibilities and opportunities. Hear the echo from your deepest, truest self- a place that is always filled with the most brilliant light and sacred goodness. THAT'S the place where there can never be SADness nor meanness. Negativity is ultimately incompatible with the truest you. Know this and live this. If you are looking for some ways to fight loneliness this winter, click here. Have a good day and make it a good day for someone else!
While Alice is in charge of doing most of the research of quotes and posting for "Daily Dose", every now and then I come upon a maxim that speaks volumes by itself and yet invites application for today. For instance, recently I came upon this quote from Henry David Thoreau: "What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals." It makes me think of how often people make resolutions (at New Year's, when turning 30 or 60, etc.) and what happens when the goal is thwarted by some distraction, weakness or "second thought." What's vital is to remember that the process of goal-setting can be truly liberating. You are in a real sense seeing beyond what you are now into a future that looks and feels better- otherwise, you wouldn't be setting the goal in the first place. You are... becoming. In evolutionary terms, we've graduated from lizard brains to the limbic system to the amazing 3 lbs that we have now between our temples . Trouble is, the lizard brain doesn't know what delayed gratification is and the limbic system is all about emotions and memory. But when you place a good higher than other things, your "stretching" for that goal becomes you. In a nut shell, this is what coaching is about: holding up the best of you reminding you it is true and real and then assisting you in formulating concrete steps to reach your goals.
We are now one month into this new year. With the promise of COVID-19 vaccination (we know a few people who have received their first ""jab"") and increased production and shipment, hope is in the air. There's a house for sale in our neighborhood. Out front is the usual sign with the realtor's name, number and agency. But underneath the sign is an alluring message inviting people to take a look around, boasting: ""I'm beautiful inside."" How many of us believe that? I can assure you that if you live knowing yourself to be beautiful and worthy of love, you probably have less stress than most, need fewer pills and take more risks. If you operate from a deep certainty that you are lovely inside and out, chances are you don't worry about what others think, cannot bruise easily and find it easy to accept others' imperfections. The new year is still young and this week has just begun. If you've made some resolutions and have slipped, start again after asking yourself what happened? If you haven't articulated any goals yet, consider this (from a blog I receive) as you write them: What you say matters less than what you do. New goals won't get you different results. Different actions can. Change what you're doing to change where you're going.
If you want to see what really matters to you, look at how you spend your time. Let's make these years the Roaring '20s. Not wild or unruly but filled with joy and expectancy and gratitude. Disease, disaster, dissension or disagreements will not define us. We are made for more than these- higher and brighter. If a house for sale can proclaim itself to be beautiful, what is stopping you? Alternatively, near the gas station is a placard that says ""I buy ugly houses." "Beauty is in the eye of the re-builder."