Draft: Recent Episodes
Steven Bortstein
Relationship advice, with a splash of anger and bitterness tossed in for good measure. Enjoy!
It's another episode in futility, delivering relationship advice to those in need of it... From the last person in the world from whom you should be seeking that sort of thing.
Relationship advice from the last person in the world with whom you should be seeking advice.
Relationship advice from the last person you should ask for help in "fixing" an already broken relationship.
Our weekly rant, in which we offer relationship advice to people who clearly have no idea how bad their relationship has to be if they're seeking my insight.
Dear Steve,
I just found out that my girlfriend of three years (we're both 23) recently decided to leave me. Our time together was both great, but also quite rough. We had fights over small things and they got worse over the years. She has accused me from time to time of being mean or rude to her when she's upset. I feel like she misinterprets my meaning and tone.
Recently we got into an argument. She said I was being mean, and I asked how was what I said mean when I was just asking a question. She got upset and said, "Don't ask why I'm mad if you’re just going to turn it around on me." This led to me being frustrated. At that time, I was doing laundry, and I start pulling the clothes out (I was being aggressive about it out of frustration), and some of the clothes hit her and she assumed I was throwing them at her.
Things devolved from there and she told me to leave her alone. I got more frustrated and left to go to the bar, which I don't do much at all. I was frustrated and needed space. She left my clothes in the laundry facility at our apartment and locked me out. Then the next day sent me pictures of our used condoms and accused me of using them with other women. She skipped town to go to her mom’s and continued to text me all the things I always do wrong and how abusive and mean I am. She said she'd pack her things and come get them next month.
I get upset and irritated when she doesn't let me explain the things I say. She won't meet in the middle and would rather have me apologize and take the blame for everything. She has yet to apologize for what she has done, accusations and all. I have apologized for my attitude four times through text. She's blocked me on social media and deleted all of our pictures together. Is there any hope?
– Frustrated
Dear Steve,
I've been with my boyfriend for five years now. We were a long-distance relationship for some time and he finally moved in with me ... and my mom. We're only 22 so we're just a couple of broke college kids.
Anyhow, my mom and my boyfriend constantly fight. He believes that she belittles him and his opinions. He also inserts himself in our conversations, thinking he's defending me against my mother. It doesn't help.
My mother takes it as an attack and starts to cut into him and talk about how he has no credibility because he hasn't lived life. It becomes overwhelming, being in a cramped apartment with the two of them always fighting. I feel lost in the middle especially because whenever he is not around, she will tell me he isn't the one. It's to the point where I don't like being left alone with her.
At this point I don't know what to do. The disrespect goes both ways, and I believe that my mother is acting out because she has no boyfriend or close friends to occupy her time, and so she obsesses on my relationship. I think my fights with my boyfriend are pretty normal.
I love them both, but at this point I just want to leave and not be around either of them. I don't want to be single; I just want them to stop. What should I do?
- Surrounded
Dear Steve,
My first husband and I were married for many years (together for more than 20). We had three children together. He became an alcoholic and lost many jobs, and it became unsafe for any of us to stay with him.
I started dating a friend after that. He was separated but stayed married to his wife to provide insurance for his family. We dated for three years and then got married. His ex-wife accused me of breaking up their marriage, even though I had nothing to do with it.
My first husband died unexpectedly after I got married again. At the time, everything was so hectic. I lost myself. One day at work I was crying when a married coworker talked to me and asked if he could kiss me. I did not respond. He kissed me. This led to a 4-year affair where we were intimate on and off. We never called each other. We would just leave work early to be together sometimes.
As soon as my current husband and his ex-wife started receiving calls from a different coworker telling them something was going on, they called me. I admitted to it. I can't understand how I did this. This was such an ugly start to our marriage.
My question is: How do I forgive myself?
Signed,
Overhwelmed
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Dear Steve,
I'm a 40-something male who's semi-happily married to my wife, but recently developed romantic feelings for a coworker and feel conflicted about my current situation. My wife and I have been married seven years. Up until a couple years ago, we had what I considered a solid marriage. However, we’ve had our share of issues and they’ve become more frequent and significant, causing a rift in our marriage. It's made me question whether our marriage will even last.
While wrestling with those things, I developed a friendship with a female coworker. We work in the same company, but in different departments. She joined our company over a year ago. She's single and 10 years younger. We’ve got some common interests and that led to us chatting more, followed by being each other's lunch companions for a while. My coworker has always known that I'm married, although I never talked to her about the issues in my marriage until very recently.
As we spent more time together, our lunches started feeling more like dates, and then after a company party we ended up being the only ones to go out for drinks. We talked for hours at the bar chatting, flirting, and really opening up about relationships. It was then that I told her about the issues I was having in my marriage, along with how I was starting to develop romantic feelings for her. My confession caught her a bit by surprise and she very politely told me that while she's flattered, she doesn't want to be caught in the middle of my marriage issues or to be a contributing factor. She told me she's more than willing to be a good friend, but that it'd be very risky to proceed with anything more. I can't say I was surprised by her reaction and response.
While we've maintained good communication in the office since this happened, we haven't spent any time together outside the office nor had lunch together since. It's been hard for me because I feel I've been doing most of the outreach to her. While she's been responding, I can also tell she's refraining to an extent. It's been a challenge for me, too, in that I can't seem to stop thinking about her both in the office as well as outside of work. I find myself being with my wife, and even when we're having good moments, part of my mind is on my coworker. I thought I had a grasp on how to proceed, but I don't. Any advice is greatly appreciated!
– Distracted