Advice Not Given: Recent Episodes
Kellie Artis and Claire Wood
Join Kellie Artis and Claire Wood of Milspo Gurus for candid, truth-telling conversations between friends. Each week, they tackle topics ranging from the mundane to the existential with a heavy focus on the importance of self awareness, balanced with not taking themselves too seriously. Walk away feeling a little less alone in the world, and share a laugh at their clumsy transparency through all the mid-life struggles. You’re invited to eavesdrop as they give each other the advice you didn’t ask for but wish you did, as well as the occasional Actual Advice from experts they know IRL.
We're finally going to wrap season ONE and take a short sabbatical. Here's a quick check in and thoughts on that, and some suggestions on how to not miss us too hard while we're away from the mic.
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Join us as we gear up for the approaching holidays. They look quite a bit different than last year, but we're going do our best to heed our own advice here. How are you planning to celebrate all of the upcoming holidays (safely)?
- Fresh Market Thanksgiving meals - for real, y'all.
- The Accusation Audit - Chris Voss
- EJ's video on talking about issues instead of the candidates if the election comes up
- Liturgies for Parents
- Every Moment Holy
- The Sarcastic Lutheran
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This week we're decompressing from the Election on our latest monthly State of the Union episode. First up we're tackling local news (our own personal "happies"), State (what's new with Milspo Gurus), and Federal (election, duh..).
- Never Split the Difference
- Jenny Colgan Books
- https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/17/books/review/let-the-people-pick-the-president-jesse-wegman.html
- https://fairfight.com/about-stacey-abrams/
- https://securefamiliesinitiative.org/
- Parler
- https://www.cnn.com/2020/11/08/us/arkansas-police-chief-violence-parler-invs/
- https://www.instagram.com/mosheh/
- https://news3lv.com/news/local/military-spouse-accused-in-gop-claim-of-voter-fraud-speaks-out
- https://www.ncsl.org/research/elections-and-campaigns/after-the-voting-ends-the-steps-to-complete-an-election.aspx
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Ew, David! We have been waiting a long time for this: we are talking all about the Rose family and Schitt's Creek. More specifically, we are putting our own spin on how the story arc of Schitt's Creek has a lot of similarities to what military life is like. We dive deep into being a fish out of water, new in town, roles different family members take on, self-discovery and awareness, personal growth, and for good measure we give a rundown on all of the characters' Enneagram types.
Mentions:
- Schitt's Creek on Netflix
- Best Wishes, Warmest Regards
- Reddit thread of SC Enneagram types
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Are you considering jumping into a job search? Recently PCS'd and settled and ready to begin looking? About to PCS and wondering what the job market may look like at your next duty station? Or has a global pandemic caused you to consider rejoining the workforce until economic times are more steady?
Join us this week as we unpack Deloitte's Insights findings on "Military Spouse Unemployment," where they explore solutions to a local problem of national importance.
Mentions:
ANG EP 007: Paychecks
ANG EP 011: Knowing When to Lay Low, and When to Shine
ANG EP 013: Generalists and Specialists
Want to hear more about our Enneagram Webinar November 12 at 2:00 EST? Sign up here.
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Levity? Yes, please! Let's debate PSL (pumpkin spice lattes) instead of two other "P-words" we're purposefully avoiding this week.
We want to know what your This or That votes are for our three categories:
- Fall Feels
- Warm and Fuzzies
- Halloween Traditions
So, listen in and then head over to our Instagram account for your own This or That story tile to share your pair of pennies.
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
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Join us for our monthly State of the Union address. We are tackling the Local, State and Federal levels of updates we think you'll love.
Local:
- Kellie and her daughter Hannah have had a HUGE week with Dr. Jill Biden, including a social media shoutout
- Claire gives an update on reactivating her Tennessee Teaching License, the process of working with a workplace initiative grant, and facing rejection throughout the employment process
State:
- Milspo Gurus update
- Milspo Gurus Patreon community
Federal:
- Deep dive discussion of the nuance of social media influencers, their #thisiswhy2020 posts, what we think about their boundaries and motivations for sharing political views, how and why we choose to trust them, and how their monetization of their online communities impacts what they share
- "Dirty Delete"
- Caste, by Isabel Wilkerson
- The Social Dilemma on Netflix
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
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Happy Six Month Pandemi-versary! Join us as we share our insights on some of the commentary and observations of real experts at this half-year mark of pandemic life. We offer some of our tips and tricks for making sure your resilience bank account is full as well as some practical things we are doing to care for ourselves physically and emotionally as the shorter days of fall and winter approach.
Mentions:
- Shoutout to Patron-only live "Group Therapy" video call we had with our pals. Join us as a Podcast Pal for the next one here.
- Brene' Brown's podcast
- Medium article
- ANG episode "Undone in Ennui"
- Pauline Boss, Ambiguous Loss
- Michael Maddaus, Resilience Bank Account
- ANG episode "Mindset and Mindfulness"
- Life Kit NPR: Making a Pandemic Winter Easier
- Claire's End-the-Year-Strong List
- Michael Hyatt Full Focus Planner
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Hey! We are NOT throwing away our shot! We decided to do a Hamilton deep dive and break the first rule of Enneagram typing. Listen in to see if you agree or disagree with what numbers we've assigned to Alexander Hamilton, George Washington, Eliza Schuyler, Aaron Burr, and more!
Mentions:
- ANG episode 28: Enneagram and relationships
- Sweet Tea Shakespeare and the Enneagram
- Personality types of the Founding Fathers
- Relevant Mag: "The Enneagram Type of Every Hamilton Character"
- My Dear Hamilton
- Leann + Michelle: "Enneagram Types + Hamilton"
- The Bible Binge, Faith Adjacent: Hamilton (Erin Moon)
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Today's main conversation and its tangents stem from a listener who tagged us in an article on MarieClaire.com titled, "Your Spouse is Your Glass Ceiling." It's a thought provoking interview with author Caitlin Moran (More Than a Woman) that tackles the idea that you are only as successful as your spouse is supportive. We think there are several more layers to peel back - especially in military marriages - so tune in to hear our take.
- Fortune: COVID-19 is causing a backslide in workplace gender equality. Here’s how to stop it
- Marie Claire: Warning Working Moms: Your Partner Is Your Glass Ceiling
- New Mommy Juice Memes
- ANG Episode 21: Drink Less
Huge Thanks to Hana R. (@ semperagblog) for tagging us in her IG stories and prompting this convo!
We love hearing what you want to talk about, so don't be shy. Tag, DM, (@milspogurus) or email us (kellie or claire@milspogurus.com) with show topic ideas and contribute to the conversation!
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Welcome to our new monthly series: The State of the Union! We are kicking around some of the topics that you are writing in about AND the state of many current affairs. Today’s topics include Paige’s email question about the Payroll Tax Deferral’s impact on military families, the increasing need (and how) to be more aware of social media use during an election year, Kellie’s call to action to military spouses to volunteer to work at the polls, and finally a look at the physical symptoms of longterm pandemic life.
Mentions:
- 2020 Payroll Tax Deferral
- This Is Not Free Cash
- Military Personnel Can’t Opt Out
- Tables based on rank, how much you need to set aside
- Episode 42: Actual Advice with Lacey Langford
- Lacey Langford, The Military Money Expert
- Episode 06: Social Media
- Secure Families Initiative
- Sign on Letter for Poll Working
- Other ways to volunteer: party liaison, work for the voter protection team, a poll observer, voter hotline, legal boiler room volunteer, phone banking, observe a board of elections meeting, and chase calls.
- “A Dentist Sees More Cracked Teeth. What’s Going On?” The New York Times
- Tricare Open Enrollment
- Find an MTF (Military Treatment Facility)
- Tricare Retirement Coverage and Enrollment
- FACT CHECK: A PCS IS a “Qualifying Event” for a Tricare Change
- By the Numbers Update: We are up to 10,000 downloads for the Advice Not Given Podcast! THANK YOU!!! Another huge milestone: We are at 12/20 Patrons for our 2020 goal. We appreciate the financial support more than you know!
Have an idea or topic for a future episode? Email us at claire@milspogurus.com or kellie@milspogurus.com
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Apparently, MLMs are a hot topic with listeners and we felt it prudent to release a follow up episode to reveal what feedback we received from EP 55: Triangle of Opportunity. We've heard from many of you how you've been burned, and how you've prospered under this business model. We've also learned a thing or two about what goes on behind the scenes. We also brought in a guest who is a successful distributor/brand rep for a MLM to add her perspective to the conversation - and you might be surprised by what she has to say.
Meet our Guest
Suzy Goodwin is a military spouse, triplet Mom + 1, and former Guinness World Record Holder. As Host of Run Lift Mom podcast, she explores running, lifting, and motherhood topics with guest interviews and the occasional solo rant. MLM skeptic turned ZYIA Active rep, she prides herself on “breaking the direct sales mold” and encourages those in the industry to serve, then sell.
Suzy lives in Fayetteville NC while her Husband wraps up 20 years of service at Fort Bragg. Though she’s done things like marathons in 47 of the 50 states and a 100 mile race, she’s most challenged by homeschooling 4 kids under age 6 and is currently on a caffeine IV.
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You're in for a treat today, listeners! Tune in for a sneak peek at a brand new bonus podcast series, The Teacher's Lounge.
Our own resident education guru, Claire Wood, is going to be encouraging us twice a month with insights, tips, best practices, and support for those of us with students still in the home. No matter what your school situation is right now, we're all now faced with taking on at least some teacher-like duties - so why not create our own Teacher's Lounge for support?
For more information on how to subscribe to these bonus episodes, head over to patreon.com/milspogurus. We have lots of exciting new initiatives planned to build community and provide resources for our people, so join us in making that happen!
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Yep. We're going there.
You ask - we answer! This week we're responding to a Patreon supporter's topic request and tackling MLMs. Multi-level marketing, network marketing, direct sales, etc..., are a few names for a hugely popular business "opportunity" amidst the military spouse community. You know the drill (and may even be involved with some/several) of these companies. Start your morning with Herbalife supplements or Shakeology smoothies, work out with P90X (is that still a thing?) wearing your Zyia, get ready with a your Monat/Rodan + Fields/Beauty Counter/Younique, clean up with Norwex, pull leftover pizza out for lunch from a Tupperware (maybe an old reference, lol), reheat it with your Pampered Chef stone, melt some Scentsy for ambiance, and drop some oils in the diffuser to relax... I could go on and on. Many of these products Claire and I actually own from supporting other folks on their entrepreneur journey, but we have thoughts on the corporate structures. Tune in to see what those thoughts are and if you agree or disagree!
"The fundamental flaw in MLM is the endless chain
of recruitment of participants as primary customers.
MLM pay plans assume infinite markets and virgin
markets – neither of which exists in the real world."
- Jon M. Taylor, The Case (for and) against Multi-level Marketing
LINKS:
- Schitt's Creek Clip: Allez Voux and You
- The Office: Michael's Pyramid Scheme
- Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (fun fact: he's a milspo!): Multilevel Marketing
- Pros and Cons of Network Marketing: https://brandongaille.com/12-pros-and-cons-of-network-marketing/
- Advice and Guidelines from the Federal Trade Commission
- How MLMs are Hurting Female Friendships (Jan. 2019): https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2019/01/21/how-mlms-are-hurting-female-friendships/
- And we didn't even talk about the Netflix docu-series (Un)Well or the HBO series out now about NXIVM...
So, what'd we miss?
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Change is the one constant, but in this season does it feel to you that we're being bombarded with change? How can we flex that resiliency muscle to roll with the tumultuous world we're experiencing? How important is it to find perspective? How do the stories we tell ourselves about how we handle change affect our ability to navigate changes in your life? And what about our memories... how reliable are they?
Join us for a discussion about accepting change and moving forward through tough times. Because goodness knows we're likely all in the same boat here.
Links:
- Laura Tremaine's 10 Things to Tell You podcast https://www.10thingstotellyou.com/
- Fun rabbit hole on Cognitive Offloading - ie. taking pictures to preserve memories and relying on them actually hinders your ability to recall details and store memories other than the photos themselves. Fascinating.
- Episode title inspo: Claire's latest mantra and the amazing Michelle Obama's speech during the DNC.
- Check out our revamped enneagram ecourse: Becoming Your Own Guru
- And please consider joining us for some Group "Therapy" ;)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
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Listen in to hear what Kellie and Claire have been up to over the summer (while you were hard at work uncovering your Enneagram type with our Summer of Self-Awareness!), and what the plans look like going forward!
Oh, and we low-key relaunched our ECOURSE - Becoming Your Own Guru. It's got a fresh new look, some added content, and a cool new price tag... If you enjoyed our enneagram episodes, you'll LOVE this deeper dive into how the enneagram can be used as a tool for navigating the complexities of the military spouse lifestyle, interpersonal relationships, parenting, marriage, and more!
https://milspogurus.thinkific.com/courses/becoming-your-own-guru
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Finally! The Enneagram Nine. We've reached the end of our Summer of Self Awareness series uncovering the nine Enneagram types, and we finally arrive at the Type 9, Peacemaker.
The Peacemaker needs to avoid conflict. Nines are laid back, accommodating, and generally unaffected by life. A deep desire to keep the peace can cause Nines to lose themselves and merge into the opinions and feelings of others. They can struggle to make decisions and can be frustratingly ambivalent, often feeling torn by even the simplest of choices. Nines in health are highly empathic, diplomatic, and flexible.Just in case you may have missed some of our other discussions or want to refresh your memory, check out this list of episodes:
- The Enneagram (overview)
- Enneagram and Relationships (w/ Sarajane Case)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course audio files (Patreon)
Prefer to read? Here are a few places to get started:
- Recommended Reading (all the books we love)
- "What is the Enneagram" (Legacy Vol. II, article)
- Milspo Snapshots (Nine Types-free download)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course workbook (digital download)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/advice-not-given/message
Brace yourself for a powerful discussion about the Type Eight - Challenger. Jk, we know they're big teddy bears deep down. Often stereotyped as bullies or "too much", let's work through why they're perceived as such and explore how to embrace them for exactly what they are!
The Challenger, or Asserter, needs to avoid feeling weak or vulnerable. Eights are intense, reliable, and mighty. Sometimes confrontational, they don’t necessarily have an urge to lead but will jump in if a vacuum presents itself. Dualistic and absolute in their thinking, grey areas are unacceptable and defied. Relationships can be challenging because of their preoccupation with betrayal, but when healthy, Eights are empowering, passionate, and dedicated.Just in case you may have missed some of our other discussions or want to refresh your memory, check out this list of episodes:
- The Enneagram (overview)
- Enneagram and Relationships (w/ Sarajane Case)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course audio files (Patreon)
Prefer to read? Here are a few places to get started:
- Recommended Reading (all the books we love)
- "What is the Enneagram" (Legacy Vol. II, article)
- Milspo Snapshots (Nine Types-free download)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course workbook (digital download)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/advice-not-given/message
Where's the party?? HERE's the party, right here! 🎉Today we're talking all about our fun-loving Enneagram Sevens - The Enthusiasts! They're the life of the party and an absolute joy to be around, but they too have their burdens to carry. Listen to Claire and Kellie break down the type structure of this type and hear from Erika Tebbens (type 7 - with purple hair, I must add 😜) about what it's like to be a 7.
The Enthusiast needs to be happy and avoid pain. Sevens define FOMO (fear of missing out). They radiate joy and optimism, mainly because they refuse to sit with uncomfortable emotions. Enthusiasts are spontaneous and always seeking out the next thrill. If their reality is the least bit disappointing, they’re consumed with anticipating the next exciting adventure. They can be flaky and find commitment challenging, especially in relationships. Healthy Sevens appreciate and seek out the joy in life because they’re at ease with their full emotional range.Just in case you may have missed some of our other discussions or want to refresh your memory, check out this list of episodes:
- The Enneagram (overview)
- Enneagram and Relationships (w/ Sarajane Case - a SEVEN)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course audio files (Patreon)
Prefer to read? Here are a few places to get started:
- Recommended Reading (all the books we love)
- "What is the Enneagram" (Legacy Vol. II, article)
- Milspo Snapshots (Nine Types-free download)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course workbook (digital download)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/advice-not-given/message
"What's the worst that could happen?"... said no Enneagram 6, EVER. They already know. And have already prepared for it! Join us for a candid discussion on what's it's like to be a Loyalist on the Enneagram from our resident six, Claire, and our guest contributor, Jen McDonald.
The Loyalist needs to feel secure. Sixes are likely the most common Enneagram type and are devoted, cooperative, and warmhearted. Their thoughts are often dominated with planning for worst-case scenarios, and they can exhibit anxiety and even paranoia when in the lower levels of health. Doubt and suspicion can pose an obstacle to relationships for Sixes, but once trust is established they can be loyal to a fault. Community is of utmost importance -- there’s safety in numbers. Healthy Sixes are committed to the common good, and are steadfast, reliable, and honest.Just in case you may have missed some of our other discussions or want to refresh your memory, check out this list of episodes:
- The Enneagram (overview)
- Enneagram and Relationships
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course audio files (Patreon)
Prefer to read? Here are a few places to get started:
- Recommended Reading (all the books we love)
- "What is the Enneagram" (Legacy Vol. II, article)
- Milspo Snapshots (Nine Types-free download)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course workbook (digital download)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/advice-not-given/message
Join us on a journey into the depths of the Enneagram 5 mind on today's conversation about The Observer. Co-host, Kellie, and contributor, Lala, provide insight on what it's like to take up residence in the thinking center.
The Observer, or Investigator, needs to perceive. They are objective, rational, and have a lust for acquiring knowledge. They fear being incompetent and avoid depending on others. Fives can withdraw from social interaction and often escape to their minds. In relationships, they can seem detached and are often mis-understood due to their analytical nature. It takes a lot of energy (that they so desperately try to conserve) to get in touch with their feelings. Healthy Fives are calm in a crisis, capable of true neutrality in a conflict, and are fantastic confidants.Just in case you may have missed some of our other discussions or want to refresh your memory, check out this list of episodes:
- The Enneagram (overview)
- Enneagram and Relationships (w/ Sarajane Case)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course audio files (Patreon)
Prefer to read? Here are a few places to get started:
- Recommended Reading (all the books we love)
- "What is the Enneagram" (Legacy Vol. II, article)
- Milspo Snapshots (Nine Types-free download)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course workbook (digital download)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/advice-not-given/message
Ready for the most special unicorn type of all time?? Well, it's the Four, but don't tell them there are more than one of them! Jk. We love our Individualists!
The Romantic, or Individualist, needs to be special. They’re in touch with ALL the feels and have an impressive emotional range. They can be melancholic and moody, and their basic fear is of being perceived as ordinary. Fours are creative and uber-expressive. In relationships, they can be melodramatic and high-maintenance, but also incredibly empathic and comfortable dealing with hard stuff. If you need someone just to sit and hold space for you, call a healthy Four.Just in case you may have missed some of our other discussions or want to refresh your memory, check out this list of episodes:
- The Enneagram (overview)
- Enneagram and Relationships (w/ Sarajane Case)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course audio files (Patreon)
Prefer to read? Here are a few places to get started:
- Recommended Reading (all the books we love)
- "What is the Enneagram" (Legacy Vol. II, article)
- Milspo Snapshots (Nine Types-free download)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course workbook (digital download)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/advice-not-given/message
Today we're going to do the BEST job of explaining the Enneagram Three... Or at least we would if either of us were type three. Listen in to insights from our resident THREE, Jessica Bertsch of Powerhouse Planning.
The Achiever, or Performer, needs to succeed. They’re charismatic, image-conscious, and highly driven. They seek admiration and acceptance and can paint themselves with any brush to pull it off. They avoid failure at all costs, and fear being exposed as a fraud. Threes seek undemanding relationships, and tend to do feelings rather than feel them. Healthy Threes selflessly accomplish amazing things, are highly optimistic, and support others in pursuit of their goals.
Just in case you may have missed some of our other discussions or want to refresh your memory, check out this list of episodes:
- The Enneagram (overview)
- Enneagram and Relationships (w/ Sarajane Case)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course audio files (Patreon)
Prefer to read? Here are a few places to get started:
- Recommended Reading (all the books we love)
- "What is the Enneagram" (Legacy Vol. II, article)
- Milspo Snapshots (Nine Types-free download)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course workbook (digital download)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/advice-not-given/message
"I get by with a little help from my friends!" Don't we all? Well, that's exactly what we're talking about today - the Helper.
The Helper needs to be needed. They care deeply and have the heart to help. Twos can instinctively identify and provide comfort to those in need, but sometimes their generosity can be self-serving. Maintaining and recognizing healthy boundaries can be a challenge for Twos in a relationship, and they often avoid acknowledging their own needs. Healthy Twos are loving, warm, and make wonderful friends.
Just in case you may have missed some of our other discussions or want to refresh your memory, check out this list of episodes:
- The Enneagram (overview)
- Enneagram and Relationships
- Enneagram and Identity
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course audio files (Patreon)
Prefer to read? Here are a few places to get started:
- Recommended Reading (all the books we love)
- "What is the Enneagram" (Legacy Vol. II, article)
- Milspo Snapshots (Nine Types-free download)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course workbook (digital download)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/advice-not-given/message
We're kicking off our Enneagram Summer of Self-Awareness with a conversation about Reformers and our friend Kim's insights about what it's like to live life dominant in Type One.
The core motivation, or need, for an Enneagram Type One is to be perfect. Idealistic, ethical, and self-controlled, Ones are constantly looking to improve or “set-to-rights” their surroundings. They are sometimes seen as hypercritical and fixated and seek to avoid fault or blame. Relationships are difficult when they resist the vulnerability essential for intimacy. Criticism is unbearable for Ones, and the fear of failure can be paralyzing. In health, they are responsible, dependable, methodical, and they can truly make the world a better place.Mentions
- Brené Brown's interview with Chris Heuertz
- Marilyn Vancil's Self to Lose, Self to Find
Just in case you may have missed some of our other discussions or want to refresh your memory, check out this list of episodes:
- The Enneagram (overview)
- Enneagram and Relationships (w/ Sarajane Case)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course audio files (Patreon)
Prefer to read? Here are a few places to get started:
- Recommended Reading (all the books we love)
- "What is the Enneagram" (Legacy Vol. II, article)
- Milspo Snapshots (Nine Types-free download)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course workbook (digital download)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/advice-not-given/message
Buckle up for a trip down the self-awareness highway! This summer we're launching a stay-cation of discovery of our inner landscapes using the Enneagram of Personality. Over the course of the next nine weeks, we'll introduce listeners of each type, and dive a little deeper into what makes us tick.
This particular series will be geared toward anyone with a curious interest in the system all the way to those who have a good grasp on their numbers. Also, what we say to folks who are reticent to embracing the Enneagram as a self-discovery tool (and we swear it's compassionate!).
Just in case you may have missed some of our other discussions or want to refresh your memory, check out this list of episodes:
- The Enneagram (overview)
- Enneagram and Relationships (w/ Sarajane Case)
- Enneagram and Identity (w/ Chris Heuertz)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course audio files (Patreon)
Prefer to read? Here are a few places to get started:
- Recommended Reading (all the books we love)
- "What is the Enneagram" (Legacy Vol. II, article)
- Milspo Snapshots (Nine Types-free download)
- Becoming Your Own Guru e-course workbook (digital download)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/advice-not-given/message
We took a pause this week to listen, engage, and evaluate the ways in which our platform and podcast can stand in solidarity with the Black community, and are sharing those commitments with you today. We also invite you, listeners, to explore your own hearts to confront bias, challenge your own comfortable silence, stand with us as we affirm that Black Lives Matter.
- I am the Problem by Kellie Artis
- Anti-Racism Resources
- 75 Things White People Can Do for Racial Justice
- The Diversity Movement
- Be the Bridge to Racial Unity
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Mindfulness with Money
This week we are joined by The Military Money Expert, Lacey Langford and our convo is all about the benjamins. And yes, please brace yourselves for bad hip hop puns. Why do we have such a personal attachment to our financial situations? Why is there such a stigma around money? And what can we do better? All this and more on this episode of Advice Not Given.
Mentions:
- Financial Peace University (FPU)
- Money and Happiness Threshold ($105K)
- Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems
- “Paychecks” episode of ANG
- Financial Readiness (ACS)
- Army Emergency Relief
- VA Cracks Down on GI Bill Installments
- Special Guest: Lacey Langford, The Military Money Expert
- Thrift Savings Plan (TSP)
- Servicemembers’ Group Life Insurance (SGLI)
- Compound Interest
- The Military Money Show (Lacey’s podcast)
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
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What can the Enneagram teach us as military spouses about our struggle with a sense of lost identity, coping with shifting environments and stress, navigating transitions? A lot, actually. Author, speaker, teacher, and mentor, Chris Heuertz joins the podcast for an entrancing conversation about the Enneagram.
We also get a preview to new concepts and practices appearing in his new book, The Enneagram of Belonging: A Compassionate Journey of Self-Acceptance. Learn more about the ABC's - Affirmations we need to make, Beliefs we have to correct, and Confessions that free us - of each type (you know we love some acronyms!). The simplicity of this framework actually makes this complex system so graspable. Listen in and see what you think!
Mentions:
- The Sacred Enneagram: Finding Your Unique Path to Spiritual Growth
- The Enneagram of Belonging: A Compassionate Journey of Self-Acceptance
- Gravity: a Center for Contemplative Activism
- The Enneagram Mapmakers (Chris’s podcast)
- Claudio Naranjo
- Michael J. Goldberg, Travels with Odysseus
- Since the in-person workshops he mentioned are on hold, Chris is offering a livestream Enneagram workshop (and yes, Kellie is already registered - join in!).
Find Chris Heuretz online here
Chris spent nearly three decades in community organizing, international humanitarian work, and anti-human trafficking efforts, and was first introduced to the Enneagram in the slums of Cambodia. Since then he has trained under some of the great living Enneagram masters, and now teaches the Enneagram in workshops around the world as an International Enneagram Association Accredited Professional. Host of the Enneagram Mapmakers podcast, Chris is also featured in the new documentary NINE: The Enneagram Documentary, a journey across America to introduce the essence of the nine profile types. He is the author of seven books, including the award-winning bestseller The Sacred Enneagram and his latest work The Enneagram of Belonging; both are compassionate guides for those who want to incorporate personal growth and development with their Enneagram type. Chris and Phileena, and their puppy Basil, live in Omaha. You can follow Chris’ work at gravitycenter.com and chrisheuertz.com.
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
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Advice Not Given “Intolerance of Uncertainty”
Advice Not Given Interview with Kelsy Timas
Facebook Will Now Offer to Hide Your Exes from You
“Closing the Restaurant That Was My Life for 20 Years” (NYT Daily)
Advice Not Given Interview with Tara Bremer
Want to hear the content of our Becoming Your Own Guru Course? Join us on Patreon for all access!
Have something to say about your Enneagram type for our upcoming Summer of Self-Awareness? Record a short voice memo and email us at kellie@milspogurus.com or claire@milspogurus.com
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As we transition out of spring and into summer, what are we expecting? Claire and Kellie check in with listeners, discuss the "re-opening" of the country, and wonder what boundaries others are observing since there's mostly radio silence on social media.
Mentions:
- The Daily: The Governor and The Protestor
- Focaccia Gardens
- Who you should let into your Coronavirus quarantine orbit?
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
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This week we're discussing the stages, cycles, and stasis of this pandemic and isolation.
"Life creates itself in delirium and is undone in ennui" - Emil Cioran, Romanian philosopher with a penchant for nihilism. You, know... Just keeping it light today. ;)
Mentions:
- Intuitive Eating
- Kübler-Ross Model: 5 Stages of Grief
- The Liturgists, “Grief”
- “Ennui”- /änˈwē/ a feeling of being bored and mentally tired caused by having nothing interesting or exciting to do
- Forbes: Flatten, Fight, Emerge
- “How Brands Are Shifting Ad Campaigns Amid the COVID-19 Outbreak”
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And why Claire is pressing shower curtains.
Mentions:
- Cape Fear Regional Theater
- Savanna Kaye Photography
- Science Mike’s Book: You’re a Miracle (and a Pain in the Ass)
- The Office: The Untold Story of the Greatest Sitcom of the 2000s
- Some Good News
- Melatonin
- Wine Monitor Video
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Mentions:
- April 12 Weather + Easter tornadoes
- Grief during social distancing
- Enneagram types in stress
- Milspo Gurus Enneagram Milspo Snapshots
- Brené Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us: Anxiety, Calm, + Over/Under-functioning
- Apple, Google, and the Coronavirus
- HBO’s Westworld
- “Prepare for the Ultimate Gaslighting”
- Kellie’s favorite 1990s icon
- Send us your Welfare Check to kellie@milspogurus.com or claire@milspogurus.com
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We're back for another Welfare Check episode, and this time we brought friends! Listen in to our check in with each other, and hear how some of our listeners are also doing.
Mentions:
- Kanban Method (Project Management System)
- “That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief”
- Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score
- Lori Gottlieb, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
- ANG, Drink Less (Episode 21)
- Drinker’s Helper app
- Milspouse Matters, Temporary Homeschooling During the Coronavirus Pandemic
-
alonetogether
- Plausible Deniability
- The Big Three
- Get to Work Book
- Focus on What You Can Control
- Send us YOUR UPDATE
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It's time for another Corona Virus Welfare Check, and lucky for you we've had time to binge everyone's obsession -- The Tiger King on Netflix.
As we enter week three (for most of us) of quarantine/shelter-in-place/social distancing, Claire and Kellie check in with each other and compare what coping strategies, impulse purchases, and nonsense distractions are helping pass the time and alleviate anxiety. We actually packed a lot into this conversation, as well as featuring some advice and checkins with a couple of listeners!
Mentions
- The Berkey Water Purifier
- Can you still get takeout without risking contracting coronavirus? Yes.
- The Theory of Information Processing: Cataloguing experiences while you sleep.
- Find Your Local Farmers - They Might Be Delivering!
- Brief synopsis and all the memes you can handle for The Tiger King.
- "I Saw a Tiger" cover by Kellie's high school classmate. Amazing.
- The Late Show at Home
- Enneagram Mapmakers Podcast
- The Daily by New York Times: A Kid's Guide to Coronavirus
- Some Kind of Crazy by Terry Wardle
- Dave Barnes' Instagram feed with Corona Characters
- So Many Thoughts by Elizabeth Holmes
- Escape or Stick it through? What do you think? Hot take on an insta influencer's reaction to Stay Home orders.
If you would like to share your Covid Check-in with us - please head over to the episode page for directions. We'd love to hear from you and add your voice to the show!
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We decided to break format to make space for the events of the world and honor the emotions we're experiencing during the Coronavirus outbreak. So, we'll be doing weekly "Welfare Checks" with each other and with all of you for the foreseeable future.
These episodes will be short and sweet, and we'll strive to bring you something to smile about and appreciate as together we navigate complex feelings, anxiety, lack of focus, and who knows what else.
Also, we want to hear from you! What advice do you have for others? How are you faring this storm? What are you doing to carry on? What are the good things in your life and day that you'd like to share? Send us a recording using your phone's Voice Recorder app (to kellie@milspogurus.com or claire@milspogurus.com) and we'll air your message on the following week's episode. Report back to us how you're doing on a scale of 1-to-Cray. Seriously. We need to know. ;)
Remember, we're in this together and together we'll thrive.
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*BONUS EPISODE*
Our "No Advice | Just Opinions" podcast is typically reserved for our Patreon Subscribers, but we recorded this one as a departure from our regularly scheduled content on Advice Not Given. We wanted to add some thoughts to what's going on in the world to hopefully provide some solace for those making the unpopular and uncomfortable choice to follow extreme social distancing (as Claire and I both are). Enjoy! And stay home. ;)
We mixed things up today and hosted a Facebook livestream of our recording of this episode, and we'll also release this one publicly for our entire community (normally these episodes are reserved for Patrons only).
Today we discussed all things COVID and Claire dropped wisdom on how to "school from home."
To watch the Facebook Live: https://business.facebook.com/milspogurus/videos/207028890608652/
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What areas of your life do you need to recognize where you need to “quit forcing it?” Learn how mindfulness and recognizing natural life patterns may help you give yourself the patience, grace, and love you need to relinquish that need for control.
Mentions:
- Kelsey Timas of Guiding Wellness
- seven year cycles of life
- shadow side
- Richard Rohr, Universal Christ
- Kellie and Claire’s conversation (starts at 42:50)
- The number seven in the Bible
- Shakespeare’s Seven Ages of Man
- You are not a human doing. You are a human being!
Actual Advice Guest: Kelsey TimasKelsy Timas is a Board Certified Holistic Health Practitioner, Author, Speaker/Coach and Wellness Educator assisting the world in discovering and recovering a life in balance. A lifelong yoga practitioner with a professional background in quality management and emergency medicine, Kelsy is on a mission to serve humanity in their journey and return to holism. Recognized as an industry leader and sought after as a subject matter expert, Kelsy invests her time and talents in people, organizations and communities looking for wellness solutions that move us toward a more productive and integrative world. Her 20+ years of clinical experience, evidence based holistic strategies and vision for the future of collaborative health care is the driving force behind the growth and development of her national Health and Wellness company, Guiding Wellness Institute Inc. Kelsy’s drive and success can be attributed to her deep desire and commitment to creating accessible and sustainable solutions that serve performance, resilience and recovery; pillars of support that allow people to create and live their best life. A natural entrepreneur and pioneering spirit that has never been afraid to create solutions needed in order to find “a better way”, and the sincere belief that she is in service of her life’s calling, Kelsy has blazed a trail that will support many generations to discover, recover and maintain their balance in an ever changing world. Kelsy is the Program/QM Director and Lead Faculty for Warriors at Ease (WAE), 2019 Outstanding Entrepreneur of the Year by Reeves Business school and the Author or LIVE WELL Magazine and BE WELL Podcast.
Devoted to her role as a military spouse and her military family, Kelsy serves, directs and advises many non-profit organizations serving those who serve and their families that sacrifice so much. When she is not teaching or at work running her national operation, Kelsy spends time with her six dogs, her family and close friends, living the message of “Be well” she shares with the world. She loves cooking from her home potager and taking time for regular sunshine and the outdoors, her favorite people call her “naynay”. Kelsy also enjoys reading, writing, pottery and house projects along with her deepest passions of yoga, meditation and mindfulness.
Guiding Wellness
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How are you maximizing your personal productivity? Join us as we share some of our favorite productivity hacks to help manage time and most of all set us up to be living out our priorities.
Mentions:
- Keep a digital profile for each of your own “personas” (Chrome extensions)
- Time Blocking
- Last Pass password keeper
- Keep a portable version of hard copies of vital documents
- Turbo Scan and Genius Scan
- Wunderlist
- “The Sunday Night Meeting”
- Write the vision and make it plain
- Apple Pay
- Launch Notebook (transcripts, ACT scores, test scores, online account passwords)
- Seasons of My Military Student
- Fill out one copy and then ask the admin person to photocopy it in multiples before you personalize it with each child’s information
- Adam Grant
Actual Advice Guest: Lauren Rothlisberger
Lauren Rothlisberger is a Mom to four kids and milspouse minivan driver. She focuses on mindful productivity and project management. She is interested in being productive not for the sake of being productive, but as a way to be creative, useful, valuable, and fruitful.
Lauren believes in building out the week and curating targets for each day in order to navigate the interwoven timelines of work and life. You can find her resources at www.laurenrothlisberger.com.
IG: @lauren_rothlisberger
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There is so much to consider when you have to relocate. We share some practical steps to free up your physical and mental bandwidth by being mindful in your planning and solutions to this major life change.
Mentions:
- Episode 25 Settling Your Space with Tara Bremer
- Kellie’s day job (MILLIE)
- Already--But Not Yet (Claire’s personal blog post about moving)
- Recovery From Relocation
- Jordan Jean blog (Air Force spouse selling fully furnished house)
- PCSing With Kids
- PCS Brain
- The Organized Mom
Actual Advice Guest: Christa Curtis
Web: Permanent Change of Storing
IG: @permanentchangeofstoring
FB: facebook.com/PermanentChangeofStoring
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Have you ever connected intimacy disconnects to how connected you are to your body? Join us for a grown up “sex talk” as we tackle common intimacy blocks and why we think we sometimes can’t quite get there… And be sure to stick around for Actual Advice from Dr. Laurel Proulx, PT, DPT, OCS. She's here to talk all things from the "nipples to the knees."
Mentions:
- Grace and Frankie on Netflix
- The goop lab with Gwyneth Paltrow on Netflix (NSFW)
- Great thought piece on Purity Culture and shame
- Advice from Corie Weathers from Episode 27 on eye gazing
- PsychArmor resource: Online courses on intimacy issues
- 10 Practical Intimacy Tips for Couples Experiencing Deployment
Actual Advice Guest:Laurel Proulx is a Doctor of Physical Therapy and an Orthopedic Certified Specialist who has advanced training and experience in Women’s Health and Pelvic Health Physical Therapy care. Her professional experience has taken her from working with high level athletes, helping moms get back to feeling like themselves, amputee rehabilitation and leads research with the department of defense to improve diagnosis and treatment of pelvic pain within the active duty population.
She also has a vested interest in improving overall awareness and health literacy of women’s issues for her patients, other physical therapists, and all health professionals.
https://femunfolding.com/
https://www.instagram.com/fem.unfolding
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Do you know your Enneagram number? If so, now what? Listen in to see how knowing your Hornevian and Harmonic Grouping can help you get your needs met in relationships with others as well as serve you in conflict resolution. And stick around for our conversation with Sarajane Case of Enneagram and Coffee for her input on the importance of knowing your enneagram type in relationships.
Mentions:
- Why the Enneagram? (ANG Episode 4)
- Milspo Gurus Becoming Your Own Guru eCourse
- Enneagram Hornevian Groups (Compliant 1-2-6; Assertive 3-7-8; Withdrawn 4-5-9)
- Enneagram Harmonic Groups (Positive Outlook 7-9-2; Competency 1-3-5; Reactive 4-6-8)
- The Enneagram Institute RHETI (paid test)
- Milspo Gurus website
- Milspo Gurus download of BYOG course workbook
- Milspo Gurus Military Spouse Enneagram Snapshots
- Enneagram Recommended Reading List
- Enneagram Summer of Virtues: Want to help. Contact us here.
- “The Memeification of the Enneagram”
- Sarajane’s book, The Honest Enneagram
- Enneagram Summit Information
Actual Advice Guest:Sarahjane Case of Enneagram and Coffee
Sarajane Case is a speaker, author and podcaster working with the enneagram as a tool for self-compassion and creative expression. She runs the Instagram account and podcast - Enneagram and Coffee. Her book, The Honest Enneagram is available for life-order now wherever books are sold. Instagram: @enneagramandcoffee and @sarajanecase
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus)
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Dealing with and loving extended family members and parenting can be challenging. Give yourself the same grace and benefit of the doubt you’d give your best friend.
Mentions:
- Parent or Friend?
- Play the long game
- Tristen Watson
- Emoji your people in your phone
- Sacred Spaces (Corie’s book)
- Corie’s podcast interview with Kim Weathers (her mother in law)
- InDependent Wellness Summit 2020
Actual Advice Guest:
Corie Weathers, LPC
2015 AFI Military Spouse of the Year, & Author.
Website: corieweathers.com
All social media: @CorieLPC.
Schedule your next session with Corie: https://lifegiver.as.me
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In honor of their SIX Oscar nominations, and take home win for Best Costume Design, we're releasing our bonus (patron only) episode of No Advice, Just Opinions for our chat about Little Women. Enjoy!
We're jumping in QUICK with this month's Patron only podcast episode so buckle up and let's get to all the things we're watching, reading, and listening to (and our takes on all)! We’re also breaking down our takeaways from the movie, Little Women by Greta Gerwig. Links below to ease your Googling.
Reading
Claire:
Furious Hours: Murder, Fraud, and the Last Trial of Harper Lee by Casey Cep
Claire is committing to read more fiction this year! Yay, brain break.
Kellie:
Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng
Random: Kellie’s leading a virtual book club on The Road Back to You!
Listening To
Kellie:
The Spouse Angle Podcast by Natalie Gross
Don’t forget to leave reviews for the shows you enjoy! It means the world…
Claire:
Office Ladies Podcast by Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey
Dave Ramsey Podcast, Monday, December 30: Hour Two “Are you a Viking or a Victim?”
Watching
Kellie:
The Witcher (swoon) on Netflix
The Politician also on Netflix
Claire:
Friends binge on Netflix - Hubby had never seen them
The Crown, Season 3 on Netflix
Derry Girls & Schitt's Creek (earmuff shows) on Netflix
And Kellie’s Rose Apothecary Shirt
I couldn’t find a clean clip of my FAVORITE scene, but here’s a quick little transcript for your enjoyment. Infer ALL the sarcasm you can muster. :)
Patrick: Here’s an easy one, “Brief description of the business.”
David: It’s a general store, but it’s also a very specific store. And it’s also not just a store, it’s also a place where people can come and get coffee, or drinks, but it’s not a coffee shop nor is it a bar.
Patrick: Ok, so we’re pretty clear on what it’s not.
David: Yeah, it’s an environment. And yes, we will be selling things, but it’s more like a branded immersive experience.
Patrick: Right, I love the buzzwords, David, but I do need to put something down here.
David: You can use anything I just said.
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What does a successful marriage look like? Listen in as we discuss trust, integrity, communication, and commitment.
Mentions:
- Email sign-up for our monthly Guru Greetings Newsletter
- 20 for 2020 Patreon Campaign
- Julie Benson (Handmade Quilts)
- Richard Rohr Universal Christ
- The Five Love Languages
- Leaving and Cleaving
Actual Advice Guest:
Ryan Wood - Nice Try! He's a ghost online so you'll have to just contact Claire. :)VISIT The Full Episode Page
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How do you feel about all of your belongings and how do you manage or arrange them in your space? Do you find a correlation between peace, calm, and order or do you find your creativity with just a little chaos?
Mentions:
- Outer Order, Inner Calm
- Marie Kondo
- A Perfect Mess
- “Stressed Out” Washington Post article
- 11 Benefits of an Organized Home
Actual Advice Guest: Tara Bremer (29:00) House Peace, @house.peace
Tara’s Mentions:
- “Just in Case” The Minimalists + The 20/20 Rule
- Bed, Bath, & Beyond
- Dyno Letra Tag Label Maker
- Remodelista: The Organized Home
- Tara’s Online Consults
For the full show notes and more info about our guest, please visit the EPISODE PAGE.
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Are you an early bird, a night owl, or something in between? Science tells us that there may be reasons why your productivity surges and wanes throughout the day based on your answer.
Mentions:
- When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing (Daniel H. Pink)
- iPhone Bedtime Feature
- Headspace
- Don’t Make Important Decisions Late in the Afternoon
- Be Focused App
- Pomodo Technique
- Nappuccios
- Goals + Resolutions (Episode 23)
- Know Your Value-- Paychecks (Episode 7)
- Surviving Sarah Podcast
- Get to Work Book
Actual Advice Guests:
- Amy Harvey (31:00)
- Amy Bushatz (47:00) Military.com, Humans Outside, AmyBushatz.com
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Do You Make and Keep New Year’s Resolutions?Do you make New Years Resolutions? If you do, what is your motivation for doing so? If not, why not? Kellie is Team No and Claire is definitely Camp Yes and has the vision board to prove it.
⠀⠀
In Episode 23 we tackle the science behind why people make and break resolutions, share some of why we do or don’t do them, and look at how self-awareness impacts the process.
Complete Show Notes
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- Quick recap of our December series: Move More, Eat Better, Drink Less
- Quick recap of our own Christmas celebrations and mini check-ins from Claire about her "baggage" she didn't take home; Kellie's plan of going home backfired--but it ended up being a great break
What lessons or reflections from 2019 are we taking with us into the new year?
- Claire learned that being an elementary teacher is not her jam--she can still be a teacher but it doesn't have to be in a full-time traditional classroom for her to feel fulfilled; she is leaning in to her creativity on how teaching can look in 2020
- Kellie looks back at our podcast launch and all of our other endeavors (website, course, launch camp, etc.) and feels really proud that we did it! We have a podcast!
- Claire wants to reiterate that dueling opinions, viewpoints, and values CAN co-exist--you can still be respectful, inquisitive, and engaged without being hurtful--don't alienate others but be a bridge builder
What are we looking ahead to for 2020?
- A NEW PODCAST SEASON!
- Great bonus content on our Patreon
- Monthly themes and topics
- Added segments of "Actual Advice" where we will be featuring real subject matter experts who can speak about our themes/topics
- Themes: Fresh Starts (January), Relationships (February), Mindfulness (March), Values (April), Mentorship (May), Summer of Self-Awareness/Enneagram Virtues (July + July)
- Want to be featured on a future episode? Contact us here.
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As we finish up part three of our three part series, we open up a HUGE can of worms with a conversation about alcohol. We know it’s a doozy (or maybe a boozy) of a topic. Kellie and Claire come at this issue from vastly different perspectives but as always hope to find common understanding as they look at some of the dangers of the mommy wine culture, how alcohol impacts military families, and what others’ motivations for drinking are. They close out the episode with some practical tips on how to drink less alcohol.
Advice Not Given:
- After having several personal conversations about the topic and drama associated with alcohol we just kept avoiding this as an episode topic. However, in looking ahead to 2020 and rounding out some good personal habits with moving more and eating better, we felt this idea of drinking less fit perfectly with this theme.
- Earlier this month Military Families Magazine published a story of a military spouse, Allison Evans, who has celebrated 1,000 days sober after a difficult time in her life involving drinking to excess.
- Kellie and Claire are a little gun shy about this discussion because they come at the issue from very different sides of the issue: Kellie loves a good glass of wine but wants to be conscious that everyone’s use of alcohol may be very different, she drinks socially but she understands the struggle that people face with moderation. Claire is a complete tee-totaler and abstainer.
- We read research that claims that the military ranks as the number one job where people drink the most days during a given year. The military also tops the list for the highest binge drinking career. We wonder if this is true due to deployments? Due to small-talk/nerves in social situations? Is there simply a correlation to blowing off steam? There are also events where there is ceremonial drinking within the celebration culture (military balls, “pouring one out…”)--is this unique to the military profession?
- How do we call awareness to this issue and its related problems? How do you begin to put healthy boundaries in place? How do you know and control your personal limits?
- What about service member SPOUSES and the drinking culture of military spouses and the pervasive use of alcohol? How do we tie relaxation and self care to a giant glass of wine? Does “military life” stress exacerbate the use of alcohol? Is there a behavioral relaxation that comes with even a non-alcoholic mocktail? It has been embraced as the norm. There is a problem when we don’t embrace the non-drinker and also when alcohol becomes a crutch.
- Any compulsive behavior can lead to a shame cycle--why are you doing this thing and can you ask yourself how can you curb it, clean it up, and take back control over it…
- Claire names reasons she thinks most people drink alcohol: for fun, for relaxation, to take the edge off, to numb pain or discomfort. Kellie adds: the epicure-aspect.
- Advice Not Given: We share the 11 tips from Harvard Health on how to curb your drinking-- no personal advice on drinking but we share that small, daily changes can impact your longterm wellness…
- We leave you with Happy New Year wishes for 2020 and a thank you for helping us make 2019 such a fantastic year!
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Merry Christmas Eve! Claire and Kellie keep this episode light and entertaining as they share how they each “do” Christmas. They each give a yes or no (and plenty of opinions) on Christmas magic, Christmas trees (real or fake), Elf on the Shelf, crafts, and many other traditions and expectations they place upon themselves.
<<< WARNING >>> This episode is not for little ears who still believe in Christmas magic.
Advice Not Given:
- Christmas is a wonderful holiday but there are many issues that people are either PRO or CON. Kellie and Claire share about how it can be stressful. As moms we feel pressure to be the memory maker and the creator of the magic.
- When do you put your tree up? Do you have a rule or tradition or do you tend to just roll with it?
- In your house, does Santa bring all of the gifts or do the parents get any credit?
- Do you travel for Christmas? If so, do you ship all of your gifts to grandparents?
- What is your take on Santa? Do your kids still believe? Any convictions about feeding your kids the “lie”/magic of Santa? Does he get too much of mama’s credit?
- Do you have any parameters for gift-giving or limits/rules? Do you procrastinate or get stressed about keeping gifts “fair” between siblings? What is “enough?”
- Do you have to help grandma think of meaningful gifts for your kids in addition to your own lists?
- Have you ever asked grandparents for experiences or movie tickets in lieu of traditional packaged gifts?
- If you do want/need/wear/read gifts how do you make it meaningful or creative?
- Do you have any gift opening rituals on Christmas morning to make it more meaningful or ceremonial?
- Do your kids buy, make, or give each other sibling gifts? Do kids buy parents gifts? If so do you facilitate this?
- Do you and your spouse exchange gifts? Do you have a system? Ever had a year where one person bought the other a gift and one did not? Ever not really liked something your spouse bought you? Every just bought your own gift?
- Do you do a real or fake tree? Pre-lit? If it’s a real one, do you have a Christmas tree farm shopping ritual or tradition?
- As a military family, are there any things that make Christmas difficult?
- How is your present tradition different or the same as your childhood? How do you divide time between extended families? How do you convey plans to non-military extended family members? How do plans change with a deployed spouse? Do you typically wake up in your own home? How do you budget for travel? Do you bring pets along? Do people come stay with you?
- Claire has the realization that the magic of Christmas it isn’t Santa--it’s mom! HUGE Hat Tip to Claire’s mom Teresa and Kellie’s mom Teresa.
- Do you have any Christmas movies you love or traditions for watching them?
- Do you do Christmas crafts? Are you a Pinterest mom? Kellie’s protip: You don’t have to be the craftiest/coolest mom on the block--you just have to be friends with her.
- Do you do Elf on the Shelf? Does it make you crazy? Is it simply another pressured expectation and more work for mom to do in order to make Christmas happen?
- Finally, do you consider yourself (overall) naughty or nice at Christmas? Attitude? Does the stuff of Christmas wear you down? Does the “doing” exhaust you? Are you just surviving Christmas? Are we more orchestrators or participators of/in Christmas? The answer is balance!
- We wonder if the sweet spot is when you move beyond “mom” to “grandma,” but maybe not?
- NO ADVICE THIS WEEK: HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS
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We are back for part two of our three part series on taking back control over some areas of our lives as one year ends and we look toward the next one beginning. In Eat Better Kellie and Claire try to wade through the noise of the general public and all of the often times conflicting information about eating well.
Advice Not Given:
- Let’s begin with the wonderful phenomenon of middle age known as a slowing metabolism. Kellie and Claire both share about their own changes in diet and how that is impacting their health and maintaining a healthy weight.
- Kellie shares about her family’s secret code of DTD: Don’t Tell Daddy...because her husband Andrew eats super clean and healthy. In fact, he is the maker of school lunches and Kellie has felt guilt about having her kids get school lunch while Andrew is away.
- Claire talks about the conundrum of “Cheap, Easy, or Good,” but it can’t be all three and how this plays into her management of her roles as household meal planner, food shopper, food "prepper," and CFO/budgeter. For many, this can also be a factor of food insecurity, which is one of the platforms Kellie’s work with MFAN researches.
- Kellie and Claire both share about all of the diets and fads they have tried. Claire shares about Intuitive Eating, which for her hasn’t been all she thought it would be; she admits she’s an emotional eater. Kellie has also tried all of the fads; she claims that Whole 30 did teach her a lot about what foods are good for you. She also shares about how Intermittent Fasting was actually something she did unintentionally for a long time. Claire’s husband, Ryan also does IF and it reset his metabolism.
- It’s hard to filter through all of the noise (especially on social media) on nutrition, but Claire says that deep down we all know what is fueling our bodies and what is not. Kellie shares about Michael Pollan’s idea to only eat fast food that you make. He has Seven Rules for Eating and a book called Food Rules.
- Claire references the documentary Supersize Me and the book French Women Don’t Get Fat. She says the word “treat” has been part of her downfall. She has often used food as treats for herself and kids. She also reveals how she realized last year that the location of her job/kids’ school from home caused them to eat a lot of fast food.
- Advice Not Given: Kellie is going to do a pantry clean out. Look at labels and take an inventory and see how far away she is from the Whole 30 standards. Claire is going to clean up the liquids in her diet-- she wants to work toward eliminating creamer from her coffee, eliminating soft drinks/replace with water, and drinking hot tea in the evenings. She doesn’t want to drink her calories.
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Kellie and Claire kick off part one of a three part series on taking back control over things for which they DO have some agency as one year ends and a new one is about to begin. In Move More they discuss their personal evolution of exercise; they uncover their past and present motivations for staying active; and they sift through all of the varying reasons why physical fitness is one vital piece of the overall wellness puzzle in their lives.
Advice Not Given:
- Kellie starts off our discussion with the idea of the tension of the importance of exercise mixed with figuring out how we fit it into our busy lives. Movement helps with physical and mental health and yet it is difficult to make this a priority. How does the “fitness culture” help define our standard? What are our motivations?
- Kellie and Claire each share their own fitness journeys from childhood to adolescence through young adulthood to present day.
- Claire shares that since having kids she has struggled to find consistency to workout in one specific way. She has piecemealed together her fitness strategy. Kellie asks her what is it that motivates her to exercise anyway. For Claire it is for fresh air, a break out of the house, and a mental break; after 40 she’s been motivated by flexibility and mobility. Kellie says she is still searching for what her motivation is. When she was younger it was social. During her Crossfit years she enjoyed seeing progress and being able to eat what she wants to eat. Now she dreads her exercise but she does it for her quality of life.
- Claire offers that it feels incredibly indulgent to her as a mom to escape for two hours a day, 5-6 days a week to go exercise; to her it feels like an abandonment of her responsibilities. To her it feels like a luxury, but sees how Ryan, her husband does it. “You make time for what is important.”
- Kellie asks if Claire has ever run a marathon. She hasn’t run one but she did complete the Transmountain Half as a walker. Kellie shares about the Nine Enders study that relates people tend to sign up to do something physically ambitious when they are nearing the end of a decade. Kellie once ran the Army 10 Miler. She wonders if that’s why we have chosen this topic at the end of 2019.
- Kellie shares about how she feels self-conscious exercising with Andrew, her husband because of his elite level of fitness. They have had to disentangle themselves because of how he tries to coach her. Claire shares about a breakdown at the gym with Ryan about a year ago; there was a realization that they had moved so far apart in their physical fitness.
- Claire asks “As we age how are we looking a more gentle care for ourselves and how this is a motivator: peace, reprieve, and how do we figure out what kinds of exercise help get us to that destination. What am I searching for and how do I get there?”
- Kellie says the first step is to do a landscape analysis. What is available to you? What are the different modalities that you have access to at home, away from home? Figure what it is you are looking for. Movement is the baseline. Other than that is it community? Solitude? Headspace? Then figure out where those two things align.
- Kellie and Claire go down the rabbit trail of Cross fit culture and community. Kellie shares about a recent Crossfit
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In this week’s episode, Kellie and Claire discuss the nuanced topic of friendship: particularly how making (and maintaining) friendships evolves the older you get. They share some of their best qualities they offer in friendship. They take a look at how each Enneagram type needs to feel connected with a friend. Finally, they discuss whether or not the difficulties/opportunities they have when constantly curating relationships is strengthening and growing them or if it is depleting/draining them.
Advice Not Given
- Kellie shares from a lengthy email that hit our inboxes from a fellow military spouse who relates her struggle with making friends in a new duty station. There’s a lot to do in her area; there are a lot of people and opportunities, but nonetheless she has still struggled to be patient in the waiting period for deep friendships.
- Claire talks about TIME; how long does it take to create a bond? Is it quick or slow? What is a reasonable or predictable timeline to allow yourself to grow into a new friendship?
- Consider personal boundaries, levels of introversion and extroversion, as well as the amount of time and energy resources you may have available as you begin new relationships. There is the added complexity of how long you or a potential new friend may both be living in the same area before one of you moves. There is also a distinction between in real life (IRL) friends and those we keep up with digitally through social media.
- Claire makes a distinction between FRIENDLY and REAL FRIEND. She admits that she spends a lot of time and energy being FRIENDLY (Bible study friends, groups she hosts) which she loves. But to her, there is a difference between that and having “Golden Girl” or “Bosom Buddy” kinds of friends.
- Kellie asks if there is a big difference between living in a heavily populated military community versus one that is not as “culturally aware” of military life when it comes to making friends? This may or may not necessarily a good or bad thing; just another layer of consideration.
- “Don’t discount what you are going through in your life…” is something Kellie wants to be sure our friend knows. It’s okay to admit that and give yourself some grace. Do watch for your ego and the story/narrative you’re telling yourself.
- As we age, different seasons call for different availability we have to offer ourselves in friendships. Claire shares about how as she is getting older and kids are growing up it can feel isolating because gone are the days of playdates when you get facetime with other moms; now you’re in your car chauffeuring everyone around.
- Kellie asks if making friends was easier when we were younger or if it’s gotten harder as we have gotten older. Claire says it’s always been easy to make friends but NOT easy to make time for friendships. Kellie thinks it’s gotten harder as she “flexes” between introvert and extrovert.
- Claire laments her carefreeness of her younger days which she says she used to be more friendly. Kellie adds that it is scientifically proven that the older we get the harder it gets to make friends.
- As we age, we put ourselves last--behind our kids, our spouses, our households. When you move a lot you HAVE to have people to rely on. As we move, Kellie poses the question of whether or not the experience strengthens us and helps us grow or depletes/drains us?
- Claire offers that one upside to moving is that you do get frequent opportunities to re-evaluate what you
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This week Kellie and Claire talk all about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. They share some fun memories of childhood Thanksgivings gone by and current insights on Thanksgiving as military service families. They talk turkey, travel, traditions and they share thoughts on Black Friday and other marketing initiatives. Think of this episode like your favorite sweet potato casserole: filling, savory, and sweet--topped off with a little something extra!
Advice Not Given
- Kellie shares about her Thanksgiving memories growing up and the main memory is all of the fun she had outdoors in the crisp fall air; she also remembers traveling to see extended family in the next state over. Food, cousins, fun! Kellie divulges that her mom’s delicious mashed potato recipe is actually boxed, instant potatoes and how as a kid she offended her grandmother in sharing that news
- Claire’s childhood Thanksgivings included seeing both her dad and mom’s extended families. So. Many. People. But so much fun. Kids were always banished to the basement or screen porch to eat, followed by cousin touch football and mischief. This was Claire’s tradition until only about eight years ago when they have been too far to travel home for Thanksgiving
- Is there an unwritten code of Thanksgiving behavior--where to go and where to be? Which places do you eat food? It can be tricky navigating everyone else’s expectations for you!
- Claire explains the difference between stuffing and dressing to Kellie and they debate whether the difference is regional or personal
- Kellie talks about how getting married complicated the Thanksgiving travels. Everyone. Everywhere. All spread out. It’s not possible to be everywhere for everyone
- Kellie shares about her first married Thanksgiving and her major turkey debacle. It looked nice and crispy on the outside but it was raw on the inside. (The thing that pops out of a turkey to let you know that is is “done” is actually called the Pop Out Timer.)
- Claire started cooking the full Thanksgiving meal once they entered military service; she spent time on the phone with her grandmother and had her teach her how to make the dressing of her childhood; she also shares how in the past few years, Ryan has been spatchcocking their Thanksgiving turkey which allows it to cook fully in under 45 minutes, frees up the oven for other cooking, and mostly just tastes amazing
- As the years have gone on, Kellie talks about how now it has gotten harder and harder to coordinate holidays and travel with extended family. Now they do more Friendsgivings than anything. Now Thanksgiving is one of those “it just depends” kind of holidays; it’s less of a tradition and more of a “whatever works” thing now
- Claire feels like now there isn’t a very predictable tradition, no rules, no expectations--some of their military Thanksgivings have been the most memorable of all--she also shares about how sometimes they will eat their main Thanksgiving meal on the day of, but then they have Leftovers Parties the day after where everyone brings all of their leftovers
- We dish all about Black Friday… Claire doesn’t usually go, but if she does it is only for people watching purposes. She even made a funny Black Friday Bingo a f
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In this week’s episode Kellie and Claire take a look at what it means to be able to tolerate uncertainty. They explore some common scenarios where people (and service families, in particular) have pain points with uncertainty. They explore the scientific aspects of “intolerance of uncertainty,” paying particular attention to what prolonged periods of the ensuing stress can do to our mental health. As always they offer up some practical strategies of how becoming aware of this phenomenon and what to do about it can help in day to day life.
Advice Not Given
- We start with a brief list of things that cause us feelings of uncertainty: kids’ first sleepovers, kids and driving/tracking apps, tryouts for sports, waiting on medical results. In military life, we wait out deployments, have uncertainty over safety and homecoming timelines; PCS orders/moving, and our service member’s career--all big stressors
- We question why are we feeling like life is so hard all of the time, when in truth, there are psychological reasons why. Kellie suggests that being able to label and identify what the problem is, she can more easily approach these challenges more clearly and with more grace for herself
- When you ignore the effects of your intolerance to uncertainty, there are actually mental and physical health concerns that may start to pop up: anxiety, depression, and compulsive disorders can be signs that you may not be coping well and the impact and ripple effects should not be ignored
- Claire brings up the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale which is a tool used to determine how likely you are to have a major health issue based on stressful events in your life; there are 43 life events with point values and scores higher than 300 point to an 80% chance you will have a major health event--military life makes it difficult to score below a 300 with moving and job changes
- Intolerance of Uncertainty is a real thing; Kellie references an interesting study about how uncertainty is even more stressful than KNOWING something bad is going to happen. She goes on to share about a Forbes article that affirms that uncertainty IS worse than knowing when bad things are to come. Technology has even adapted to our human behavior surrounding this issue, Uber for example gives us reassurance of who our driver is, and the GPS features allows us to watch the driver come to us
- Some common behaviors that people express when they are uncomfortable or intolerant of uncertainty can be metaphorically compared to having allergies. They best way to treat it is to build up a tolerance to it by introducing uncertainty in smaller doses. Kellie thinks she is about a 4 on a 1-10 scale and Claire is an 8 or 9 in terms of being “allergic” to uncertainty
- Often we will seek excessive reassurance from others; This isn’t much of an issue for Kellie, but Claire recalls her search for an outer committee when she doesn’t feel like she can rely on her “inner” committee. Claire goes to people and Kellie turns to research
- List making is another coping mechanism
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Catch this exclusive look at the bonus content being offered on Patreon to Milspo Gurus and Advice Not Given Podcast supporters! On No Advice, Just Opinions, we'll share our "currently..." lists. You know, currently reading, watching, and listening to (with elaborate commentary). We'll also tackle a hot topic in the news. All in a bolder, edgier way.
In this episode, we're dishing our reading/watching/listening to lists, packaging up a way to extend Hallmark's Holiday Movie season, celebrating fictional drag queens in Charleston, and unpacking the effects of childhood trauma on the body. Wild, right?
For our spicy take topic - we're talking about the John Crist fall from grace. Seriously. It's a good convo.
Links for all the things referenced below, but first - if YOU want access to future episodes of No Advice, Just Opinions, head on over to our Patreon page and pick a relationship status. And no, it's complicated is not an option. https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus
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In this week’s episode Claire and Kellie share in response to some of the feedback they’ve gotten on Instagram when Kellie put out the call asking, “What are the hardest parts of military life?” Many responders commented on the disconnect between their own military lifestyle and the lack of information and awareness of well-meaning friends, family, and civilians. Claire and Kellie talk broadly and personally about the things many of us wish people knew.
Advice Not Given
- First things first: HUGE hat tip to Casey F. from California for being our first “Soul Mate” Patron. We are beyond grateful for the support; find us on Patreon or leave us a five star review on Apple
- We want to both squash and educate others on what our experience is like
- We know we are preaching to the choir, but maybe this episode will be something you can share with your family and friends--let us say what you’re thinking…
- We want to help bridge the disconnect between our relationships with civilians
- Kellie shares a four letter word to avoid… P-L-A-N; we have a really hard time making strict and unchanging plans; Claire adds how we walk the fine line when trying to be present for high-value extended family time and the many unknowns of our futures; we want to give you dates and details but we rarely know them ourselves
- We are often the bearers of “all of the information” as go-between from service member to the greater family network at large; we don’t have answers (location, dates that they will return, safety issues) and we aren’t trying to withhold information but sometimes IT’S COMPLICATED
- Our service members DO get vacation days and they DO get time off and they DO (sometimes) get to observe holidays; but we DO NOT usually get to say when these things occur and we DO NOT get much of a say about our time and definitely NO SAY about when are where we move and where we live; there is no 9-5 and taking leave when we feel like it--PCS season adds institutional pressure
- Claire shares that when we travel home, we carry a lot of literal and figurative BAGGAGE; literal baggage includes our growing kids, large suitcases, gifts, pets and we often feel like we are encroaching on our families’ personal space and hospitality; figurative baggage that includes carrying several-months-at-a-time’s worth of emotional stuff we don’t always know how to unload over a short holiday visit home
- Kellie hears the hypocrisy in her own feelings of simultaneously wanting to be known and heard but also to be left alone and not questioned about life; her neighbor Richelle Futch has a great book releasing called Her Ruck that talks all about the emotional backpacks military spouses carry; it’s a fine line between what we feel we can share with our families that might be too heavy or weighty to share
- We acknowledge what we KNOW and what we LEFT when we signed on for service and we end up seeing all of what our friends and families are connected to, but rarely do they see/know the people and places and involvement we are part of in our constantly changing communities
- We go on a little bit of a Veterans’ Day (and other patriotic holidays) tangent--we debunk some of the feelings around “Thank you for your service…” We don’t need a seasonal opportunity to show our gratitude to service members and their families; sometimes it feels (broadly) like our country only cares in moments that it behooves them; we question what
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In this week’s episode Claire and Kellie talk all about the idea of being a generalist versus a specialist. In David Epstein’s recent book Range, he argues that generalists are “triumphing in a specialized world.” Frequent relocation and upstarts in life have made many service member spouses generalists in their career fields and in their passions based on the location and opportunities available. Many of us think of this as a negative part of our lifestyle, but Claire and Kellie offer that it may just be the greatest thing ever.
Advice Not Given:
- How can we look at life more optimistically? How can you view your glass half full?
- A generalist knows a little bit about a lot of things; consider a Jack or Jill of all trades
- We have heard of the 10,000 Hour Rule but that isn’t the case any longer--aim for less hyper focus and search for more of an eclectic experience
- How can we spin our resume that may look scattered but rather how can you group skill sets and instead of a chronological resume, consider enhancing your skills by specialty
- When you try a lot of new things you can learn whether you love and enjoy them and the willingness to try can be everything
- Consider how we parent as we allow our kids try out many sports and activities...maybe developing well rounded kids vs. speciality athletes has value
- Participation status with a skill/hobby may be better than attaining Proficient or Professional status
- Claire says the real value is learning to enjoy the learning along the way; enjoy the process
- Kellie shares that the ONLY thing we really have control over is our MINDSET; embrace our adaptability
- Are those of us who are generalists less intimidated by trying new things and more open minded to push ourselves? Are our options more easily digestible? We are definitely willing to look for different opportunities
- Kellie asks whether being a generalist or specialist is a nature/nurture proposition or a type of conditioning based on our life circumstances
- Are you a spoon or a Swiss Army knife?
- What are the tools we can use to keep our experiences organized (resume, LinkedIn) and how do we begin to identify the skills we have that are attractive to potential employers? Use self awareness and discernment with your experiences to identify what you are really good at and how can you anchor those skills/values/core traits as talking points? What are your cork-screws, nail scissors, and bottle opener? How can you call them to mind quickly and then learning to value what those things cost or are valued at?
- There is personal value in that process of honing because it allows you to consider what you are good at and what you actually enjoy. How can you utilize your time best to cultivate those things?
- Clifton Strengths Finder (online assessment $20) (hardcover book from Amazon with test code $14)
- Shout out to Corie Weathers
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In this week’s episode the topic hits close to home as Kellie prepares for a deployment and Claire has recently shared on this theme at a local MOPS (Moms of Preschoolers) group. Listen in as they discuss some common fears about solo parenting and offer up practical tips for thriving through a forced separation when all of the parenting falls squarely on your shoulders. Hint: lots of self-care tips ahead!
Advice Not Given
- Kellie has had a seven year stretch since the last deployment; her kids were two and five months the last time her husband left for a long stretch--now they are nine and seven
- Claire’s kids were 5,7, and 9 the last time Ryan deployed
- Kellie makes the distinction between SINGLE PARENTING vs. SOLO PARENTING-- we know the difference and don’t want to assume this is the same thing
- Separations almost always come with an unpredictable sliding timeline for leaving and returning; this factor can add stress to everyone. We are all usually just ready to start the clock and get this underway; this unpredictability can have a huge ripple effect
- What are some common fears besides fear of safety for your partner? Fear of the unknown, you don’t know what you don’t know, and the things you take for granted…
- Kellie shares about how with the first day of her husband’s last deployment her dog had been accidentally poisoned and her car had been broken into; her tip--shadow the jobs your spouse does before he leaves so you can make sure you’re picking up the slack
- Claire shares about the urban legend of Deployment Curses
- Other anxieties: Can I handle this? When/Where/How will I get the downtime I need? Will I have enough patience? Will I be enough for my kids without dad?
- Kellie feels that her mission related fears have now been replaced with child and household fears due to what he’s doing and where he’s going
- Do you tend to operate with the idea that in a difficult situation like a deployment with the mindset of “this is an opportunity for me to shine and grow” or with a “good enough is good enough” mentality?
- Kellie and Claire say they love the freedom to let this time be BOTH; Kellie uses the time to get home projects finished because of the usual tug-and-pull of division of responsibility isn’t there
- Claire’s first tip: Create a Rhythm for Yourself--benefits include predictability for kids, it removes decision fatigue, and it give you as the mother a time for restoration and rest
- Kellie recognizes that rhythms are important; she predicts that she may need to adjust work hours, allocate her time better, and be aware of it
- Claire’s second tip: Mark the Time--set a weekly “thing” for you kids such as Pizza Friday or a potluck with friends or neighbors, also take a macro look at the time your spouse will be gone and put some fun things on the calendar for you and your kids to look forward to--birthdays, holidays, visitors, and vacations--she cautions against paper chains and jars of Hershey Kisses or Hugs as time markers
- Pro tip: give yourself a “word of the month” to recenter yourself on hard days
- Claire’s third tip: Prepare to Grow--get ready to gain confidence, gri
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In this week’s episode Kellie and Claire discuss a tension they regularly find themselves in as they move around. There is a fine line between utilizing and offering your gifts and expertise each time you enter a new professional, service, or relational situation and recognizing that a situation doesn’t warrant the help or is just fine without your insights for change. They share tips on how to do this tactfully while being true to themselves.
Advice Not Given:
- We all have a library of expertise that often fools us into thinking we have something unique to offer others in our new workplace, volunteer, or relational settings
- We must learn when to shine and when to play it cool; how do we decide when to take the reins and when to be content in a supporting role
- Our eagerness to contribute is simply a desire to contribute to the greater good
- Kellie shares an example of having to temper her “global” professional mindset back down to a very “local” and purposefully small project for a board she serves on. Lesson: bigger isn’t always better and it’s a good idea to check in with yourself to tone yourself down
- Claire gives an example of her recent job at a small private school when she tried to suggest a major curriculum change to her principal and it was met with “crickets.” The school leadership had a better read on the long-term and ongoing needs of the community and acknowledged that what they are doing is working
- A lot of people and organizations simply like “the way they’ve always done it.” Kellie suggests that maybe these groups have perhaps been “burned” by the military community as it comes and goes in their towns. Maybe some communities value STABILITY and CONTINUITY over INNOVATION
- We want to leave a place better than we found it. This mindset is not an indictment on their ways but we sometimes feel we offer a fresh perspective and energy. There is a balance between helping and being prideful about our input
- When we offer this input is this a version of “destructive active” listening? We must understand our audience and their level of interest in having input
- Claire wonders if the constant gauging of our audiences and environment is just another level of exhaustion our lifestyle promotes. Kellie adds that often a “compressed timeline” is yet another variable to consider when availing ourselves to our communities
- Most people have a lifetime to “make a mark” and we usually only have 2-3 years in our communities. This offering of ourselves is often motivated by the desire for recognition or acknowledgement that “we are here.”
- Claire asks how the highs of professional acknowledgement and the desserts of NO feedback/recognition may impact our relationships, particularly our marriages. How does resentment factor into this? Kellie adds that there is also a fear of the future when the military career ends
- Kellie asks, how do you enter a new situation and determine whether to “shine or lay low?” Claire offers three considerations: (1) first get a read on the environment and leadership, (2) understand what kind of relationship you have with those you’ll be working with, and (3) determine how receptive this person may be to feedback before you offer it up
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In this week’s episode Kellie and Claire discuss whether they are good or bad listeners. They share some real life instances when they could have listened better. They deep dive one particular active listening technique, Active Constructive Responding (ACR) and its framework as well as take a look at a listening assessment put out by Psychology Today.
Advice Not Given
- Claire tells about a discussion where Ryan called her out on her poor listening strategy. He even went so far as to use some of his Army Master Resiliency Training curriculum on her. It’s called ACR.
- There are four basic ways to listen and respond when someone is talking to you: Active Constructive, Active Destructive, Passive Constructive, and Passive Destructive.
- Marriage can be a safe space but Kellie suggests that we need to be more aware and also try harder to give our partner’s the same attention and focus we give others.
- We get uncomfortable with silence.
- How do you gauge how a conversation will go? When you are listening, are you picking up clues on how deep or close you may get with the person talking? Or do those clues help you make judgements about writing these people off as close friends?
- A good preface to deeper conversations might be “Do you simply need to vent or are you seeking advice and feedback?”
- Claire and Kellie deep dive “The Art of Listening: How Open Are Your Ears?” (Psychology Today) where they rate their own listening skills as well as some tendencies of each of the nine enneagram types based on these nine statements:
- I prefer talking to listening to what others may say.
- It mostly doesn't occur to me to ask questions.
- When others are talking, I'm often thinking about what I'll say next.
- The main point of talking is to impress people, or at least to entertain them.
- My perspective is right, so if others disagree, I convince them to see it my way.
- It bothers me when people get their facts wrong.
- It's important to point out when people are wrong about something.
- Most people are boring, so I usually do most of the talking.
- When my body tries to talk to me with pain or other discomforts, I tune it out.
- Finally, Claire and Kellie discuss three negative listening habits (non-responsive listening, listening like a goalie, and rebound listening). They conclude with five positive listening habits (hungry listening, hunting, gathering, clarifying, and porous listening).
- Claire’s advice to herself is to simply stop and listen and take a moment before responding.
- Kellie refers to Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead and challenges herself to stop doing the head nod.
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In this week’s episode, we break from traditional form and decide to take a little trip. We need a retreat and you probably do too! Time, childcare, and finances can often restrict us, but in this episode we say the sky is the limit and we create our dream get-away. Won’t you join us?
Advice Not Given:
- Pick your setting. Mountains? Beach? Rustic? Luxe and lavish? International? You get to decide.
- Pick your activities. Do you prefer lots of group talk and sharing? Quiet and solitary reflection?
- Do you invite your spouse? Maybe for parts of the retreat but not all of it?
- Do you hope to learn something? Hands on workshops? Meditation? Gentle yoga? How about a horseback ride, scuba, or swimming? Sound baths? Cryotherapy? Float tanks? Naps? For sure, naps!
- Do you want or need a spiritual component to the retreat? What elements would you like?
- If you could choose between private dancing lessons or karaoke with a famous performer, which would you select? Kellie’s go-to karoke is “Cowboy Take Me Away” by the Dixie Chicks. Claire’s go-to karoke is “9-to-5” by Dolly Parton.
- Next up, Kellie wants a psychology workshop with Malcolm Gladwell, Stephen Dubner, Tim Ferris, and Ryan Holiday.
- Claire would enjoy a writer’s roundtable with Anne Lamott, Elizabeth Gilbert, Donald Miller, and the late Toni Morrison. Kellie adds Marion Roach Smith, Brene Brown, and the late Rachel Held Evans.
- Our spiritual portion of the retreat would include Hillary McBride, Sarah Bessey, Ruth Haley Barton, the late Eugene Peterson, Richard Rohr, and Nadia Bolz-Weber.
- As a one-off Kellie would enjoy a rock-climbing adventure with Jason Momoa.
- As an after-hours “hang,” Claire and Kellie would love to have a late night campfire/hot chocolate session with the following celebrities: Megan Markle, Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell, Trevor Noah, John Oliver, Michelle Obama, Lucille Ball, and Steve Carell.
- Claire mentions the value of having a “Day of Reentry” afte
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Advice Not Given
- Do you suffer from Imposter Syndrome? Do you have this feeling that sneaks up on you and tells you that you don’t deserve something good in your life?
- This can happen in professional settings, but also in friend relationships, social settings, or even at a dinner party.
- Imposter Syndrome can make you feel insecure and like you don’t belong. Claire felt this deeply at last year’s Seed Spot Incubator Camp in D.C. and Kellie has felt it at a dinner party with a group of people where she felt like her intelligence was on display.
- Don’t let Imposter Syndrome limit you from pursuing things in your life. Speak up for the best outcomes in your life. Be confident and be okay with who you are.
- Claire asks the question of whether or not this confidence is earned through age and experience?
- Have you ever heard of self vs. aggregate comparison? Whether we realize it or not, we are constantly (subconsciously) making a judgment of where we “fit” into any social situation.
- We wonder how a lifestyle where we constantly move and relocate can alter our brain chemistry where we are constantly seeking “safe” social connections. Does this phenomenon strengthen or exhaust us?
- Which of the Five Types of Imposter Syndrome (Perfectionist, Expert, Natural Genius, Soloist, Superwomen), do you feel like you fall into?
- And you KNOW we can’t help ourselves with overlaying this framework with the Enneagram. Do you see your type in one or more of the Imposters?
- What are your tried and true self-correcting measures when Imposter Syndrome hits? Do you just simply move through the discomfort? Do you avoid? How can you use good self-talk?
- Kellie’s advice: Use the Headspace app to help with regrounding/meditation to clear your mind. This week she plans to review Andy’s Traffic Video and look for places and identify when she is “getting stuck in traffic” or “running into traffic” (metaphorically speaking, of course). Be more observant.
- Claire’s advice: She plans to metaphorically “take off her cape” (based on the Superwoman Imposter Syndrome persona) and remind herself that GOOD ENOUGH IS GOOD ENOUGH and DONE IS DONE.
MENTIONS
Imposter Syndrome (Psychology Today)
Clance Imposter Phenomenon ScaleYes, Imposter Syndrome is Real
Why Women Don’t Negotiate Their Job Offers
Three Silly Reasons You Downplay Your Hard Work
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
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You may be thinking this episode has everything to do with professional work and salaries and pay gaps. We touch a little on those things but the primary focus of episode 7 is deciding what, beyond monetary compensation, is a paycheck in our lives. We discuss intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation and share personally about the things in our own lives that bring great reward.
Advice Not Given
- What motivates you in all of the different areas of your life?
- How do you find and measure success? How do you determine what is a good return on investment of your time?
- How you define your values often determines how your look at your time and priorities.
- Do you see yourself as a victim of circumstances where you aren’t able to earn a monetary paycheck or do you see this as an active choice?
- Women earn $0.79 for every dollar a man makes and military spouses earn 26.8% LESS than their civilian counterparts. Let that sink in! No wonder many of us have foregone traditional jobs. If you want to really get into the weeds (and possibly very angry), peep this 2018 White House Study on “Military Spouses in the Labor Force.”
- Claire’s paychecks: seeing kids’ success from homeschooling and hosting monthly dinner company around her kitchen table.
- Kellie’s paychecks: learning something new, setting up systems, bringing creative projects to fruition; sharing insights and putting skills into practice.
- How do you look at the differences between internal and external values/motivations?
- Looking for “paychecks” in your life is all of these motivators PLUS managing your time and energy like we mention in Episode 3 (Boundaries).
- Mindset and contentment is very much connected. How do you reframe your inner dialogue?
- Kellie suggests considering what metrics we use to measure the payoff of our investments of time?
- Kellie’s advice for herself: zero in on her standards for measuring whether or not something is providing value; give more equity and attention to divvying up her time in thirds (one third for each of her major work/hustles); check in on her freelance project/website buildout.
- Claire’s advice for herself: check in with her writing goal/priority; write one essay for her project.
MENTIONS:
What It’s Like to Be a Working Military Spouse
Carol Dweck’s Mindset (book)
Rule of Life (CS Lewis Institute)
Fabriq App
Peloton (Kellie’s crazy cool bike) Enter Code: RPMHQT for $100 credit towards accessories!
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How do you live mindfully with social media? What are your favorite apps? Which ones do you tend to avoid? How do these platforms benefit you? Have you taken notice of how social media negatively impacts you (mentally, physically, or emotionally)? How do you monitor your usage and input? Join us in Episode 006 as we try to untangle our own ideas about this powerful tool for connection and engagement.
Advice Not Given:
- Can you identify your triggers on social media? What are they?
- Unfollow people or accounts that make you feel badly.
- Do you feel more sensitive to the impact of social media within your personal or professional sphere?
- Can you identify how each social media platform serves or does not serve you?
- What are the boundaries or parameters do you have for yourself on social media? Allocate time windows. Turn off notifications. Silence the group. Circumvent. Curate your social media with those people or influences that don’t uplift you.
- Use apps or settings like Screen Time, Flora, Be Focused, or Airplane mode for productivity.
- At what age do you allow your kids a smart or dumb phone? Social media accounts? How do you regulate your kids and yourself?
- Social media and parenting-- YOU DO YOU! Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. Use your instincts.
- Social media regulation tips: go on a hiatus; set hours; use phone settings; use grayscale; dock your phone away from where you sleep.
- Use apps to help but don’t allow them to suck you into a state of hyper-vigilance.
- With your social media use, keep it real, keep it kind, and keep it brief. (Kellie) Use office hours and follow them. (Claire)
MENTIONS:
How Bad Social Media is for Our Mental Health
Collin Kartchner: Save the Kids Campaign
The NoPhone Air
Social Media Copies Gambling Methods to Create Psychological Cravings
Change Your Phone to Grayscale to Combat Phone Addiction
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This week Kellie and Claire discuss the idea of using the endings and beginnings of new seasons as an opportunity to reflect and learn. Join us in Episode 5 as we share our fun end of summer traditions that alert us to the changing seasons. We share about how NOT using these rhythmic opportunities of change can be a detriment to personal growth. Do you have any signifiers, rituals, or traditions that you use to help you usher in new seasons? Do you take time to reflect on the closing of certain life chapters in order to begin the next? Check out our spectrum of suggestions on how to make these shifts work in your favor.
Advice Not Given:
- How was your summer? Have you given any thought to how you spent it? What you learned? How you grew?
- Create some end of season rituals for yourself and your family to help signal the end of one season and the beginning of the next. These can be serious or fun. Either way it tells your brain a change is coming.
- Savor the season you are in and honor them. It gives your mind and body rest.
- Honor the endings, but pace yourself. If you must grieve an ending, grieve in the moment or the grief may end up following you.
- You can’t fully appreciate an experience until you live through it and reflect upon it.
- Create new rhythms as a daily practice. Structure can be helpful through seasonal transitions.
- Where/how to reflect? Journal, audio, or video yourself talking about your situation.
- Claire celebrates her annual beach trips with a photo wall of annual beach photos.
- Write a thank you note to summer and/or a welcome letter to fall. (Claire)
- Learn something new. (Kellie)
MENTIONS:
- The Lazy Genius “Opening and Closing Ceremonies”
- Why You Should Harness the Power of Reflection
- Legacy Magazine Volume II: “A Meditation on Contentment + Liminality”
- 5 Reasons Military Spouses Should Make Time for Learning
- The Course Kellie is Taking This Fall (Intro to Wisdom)
- Claire and Kellie's "Summer Letters"
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This week Kellie and Claire give an overview of the Enneagram--and they are pretty proud they were able to wait until Episode 004 to break their silence. They share how they each first discovered it and how it made an immediate impact in their lives. There’s a quick rundown on some basic Enneagram history and a highlight of each of the nine types. Do you know yours? We caution against the over-simplification and reductiveness of how the Enneagram is portrayed on Instagram and its rise in popularity. Instead, listeners are encouraged to see the Enneagram as an ideal tool for self-awareness, personal development, and relationship building.
Advice Not Given:
- Self-observe and see if you are asleep to your life--what patterns do you find yourself stuck in?
- The Enneagram may help wake your sleeping ego. (Rise and shine!)
- How might your life improve if you were to develop more self-awareness?
- The Enneagram gives you a vocabulary and framework for this type of undertaking.
- People who are observant and aware of how they are walking through the world tend to have more fruitful and meaningful interactions with those they encounter in their relationships: at home, at work, and in community.
- If you don’t know your type--DO NOT TAKE A QUIZ--instead visit the Enneagram Institute and simply read up on all nine types. See if one resonates with you. Hover there!
- If you already know your type go to the Enneagram Institute and re-read the average and healthy levels of development for your type. Aim to respond in those ways this week!
MENTIONS:
The Enneagram (Episode 37) The Liturgists
https://theliturgists.com/podcast/2016/8/23/the-enneagram-episode-37
Suzanne Stabile’s The Road Back to You
https://amzn.to/31FpZkx
What Is The Enneagram? (Shape + Types Described)
https://milspogurus.com/what-is-the-enneagram/
Are Memes Bad for the Enneagram?
https://milspogurus.com/are-memes-bad-for-the-enneagram/
Enneagram Recommended Reading List
https://milspogurus.com/recommended-reading/
Enneagram Institute Type Descriptions Overview
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No.
Did you know that these two letters and a period make a complete sentence? When setting boundaries you do not have to give explanations or apologies or consolation remarks.
Join Kellie and Claire as they discuss the idea of boundaries. Does placing boundaries in your roles and relationships come easily to you? Or are you the kind of person who says, “What boundaries?” Do you tend to think of boundaries as something you set in place for yourself to protect your own time and energies? Or do you see boundaries as being needed for other people to ward off their demands or toxic behaviors? Listen in as we discuss some really easy entry points into the practice of saying no.
Advice Not Given:
- Know yourself. Know what drains you and what gives you life.
- Do a hard look at your capacity to do things well that you’ve committed to. There is a point of diminishing returns and a point where defining a boundary can be incredibly helpful.
- What are your pain points? Where and with whom are you weary? Where do you find your attitude shifting? Where are there obstacles that are hindering you in your interactions with people and the endeavors that get your time?
- What can you identify and step away from? (Hint: stepping away frees you up to pursue your priorities and what matters most.)
- Pick one thing this week and say NO! Start small. Whenever you give the “no,” be observant about it. Tune in to your heart, mind, and body and explore why you’re reacting the way you are.
- Consider that your “no” may just give another person the blessing or joy of their own “yes.”
MENTIONS:
- A Year of Yes (Shonda Rhimes)
- “My Schedule Will Not Allow It”
- Claire’s Personal/Family Mission (Ben Stuart Sermon)
- Foreboding Joy (Brené Brown)
- Jia Jiang “What I Learned from 100 Days of Rejection” (Ted Talk)
Other Great Boundaries Resources/Reads:
Boundaries (Cloud + Townsend)
The Best Yes (TerKeurst)
Rising Strong (Brown)
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What do you do when your present reality doesn’t necessarily align with where you imagined that your youthful hopes and dreams would take you? Did your college or vocational training set you up for what you are doing today? Have you gotten fixated on an ideal or expectation for what your life might look like or are you still looking for it? Do you ever find yourself more invested in the end goal or an achievement than you do the process or pursuit of it? Join Kellie and Claire as they discuss the dangers of over identifying with your roles and titles and offer suggestions for finding contentment in where you are both geographically and metaphorically.
Advice Not Given:
- Consider crafting a family mission statement.
- Don’t “JUST” anything in your life.
- Identify with your competencies and passions, not your title.
- Don’t let discontentment and “always” and “never” absolute statements become your inner monologue.
- Invest yourself more so in the process and reasons for doing something, rather than the results.
- Don’t be in the past or the future--be in the “IS” of today. Be present.
- Identify three physical (external, geographical) features of where you live. Focus on them and create a mini-mantra to repeat when you need to feel grounded in your outer world in order to remove the focus off of your inner turmoil.
MENTIONS:
Creative On Purpose
Writing a Family Mission Statement
Estimated Stay at Home Mom Salary
Staying in the Present
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How in the world did we get here? How do you reconcile your identity with your various roles? How do you regain a sense of control when life feels like it is spinning? Do you recognize your coping mechanisms and patterns? Which ones are healthy? And which ones, not so much? Join Kellie and Claire as they hash out their thoughts and feelings about midlife and how to pursue your overall well-being and relationships with purpose and intentionality.
Advice Not Given:
- Be observant of yourself.
- Find someone you can confide in.
- Seek out therapy or find an objective person with whom you can share your struggles.
- Identify five people who help you grow. Put an emoji beside their name in your phone and when they text or call you, respond. These are your lifelines.
- Use voice memos, Marco Polo, or other technology to BE the friend to check in and connect. Isolation is desperation. CHECK IN with your people.
- Be open and aware of when you are not coping well. Observe it, recognize it, and find an alternate reaction.
MENTIONS:
Brene’ Brown’s Suggestion for Naming Your People
https://blog.ted.com/5-insights-from-brene-browns-new-book-daring-greatly-out-today/https://blog.ted.com/5-insights-from-brene-browns-new-book-daring-greatly-out-today/
The Empathy Effect
https://news.streetroots.org/2019/02/15/how-technology-harming-our-ability-feel-empathy
Reasons You Should Use Emojis
https://buffer.com/resources/7-reasons-use-emoticons-writing-social-media-according-science
^First Episode Jitters/ Kellie + Claire “Like” Love to Say Like^
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/why-do-people-say-like-so-much
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