Connecting Couples: Recent Episodes
therealimhoffs
The vacation is over and now you are headed home. By plane, train or automobile, your body and your relationship are both preparing for impact. The car pulls into the driveway and what happens first? Is there a plan? How long does is take to unload and reset to start back into the routines of regular life. In this final episode of their vacation series, Chad and Angela discuss the things that can go wrong on the return.
Chad is ok with going right back to work the next day- the work helps him reset. Angela needs a day to recover and reset so that the house and the family can get back on schedule. From laundry to schedules to grocery shopping to fill back up an empty fridge, listen as the Real Imhoffs talk about real returns from their travels and then have the Connect Point Conversation with your partner so that you can stay connected on your vacations from start to finish.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
We all hope that once we get to our destination that everything will go smoothly, but inevitably, something will happen that we didn't expect or plan. In this episode Chad and Angela discuss several content issues that can often be places where the unexpected happens. How much to spend, what to eat, making time for physical connection and even worst case scenario events are all possible areas where are best made plans can turn into conflict and disappointment.
Just like when cycles show up in distress and hijack the couple, the unexpected things hijack both individuals in the couple. Learning how to align and strategize together will help couples stay connected and flexible and give them the ability to recovery quickly from things that aren't going according to plan.
Listen as The Real Imhoffs share real situations and content from their own vacations and then have a conversation with your partner that discusses how to stay aligned and in tune with each other even when everything else feels out of alignment.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
It would be great if once we got to our destination everything went smoothly and as planned. It just doesn't. Inevitably, something will go wrong and when things do, it can be difficult for couples to repair quickly and get back to enjoyment.
In this episode, The Real Imhoffs talk about the real repairs that we have to do when there is a disconnection on our vacation. If we can't repair, then it takes away from the enjoyable experience we spend so much time planning. Being flexible. Assuming positive intent. Remembering that you are on the same team. These are just a few of the things that you'll need to consider to stay connected on your holiday!
Listen as Chad and Angela give you examples from their own vacations and then consider having the conversation they cue up that is designed to help you recover quickly when things sideways at your destination.
For more information or to contact Chad and Angela, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Couples make plans to go on vacation for the adventure, the relaxation, the experiences, but often, the departure is riddled with stress and conflict. In this episode, Chad and Angela discuss what leaving for vacation looks like.
Who determines the deadline? What do both individuals have to get done in order for to get on the road on time? There are lots of things that have to align for this to go smoothing, leaving plenty of opportunity for misunderstanding and inaccurate assumptions.
Join The Real Imhoffs have they discuss real things that happen when a family tries to depart for vacation, then have a conversation with your partner about how you can make your departure go more smoothly.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
There are a lot of little decisions that go into taking a family vacation. Starting with the planning stage of deciding where and when, to agreeing on how much to spend, how much leisure versus adventure, how long to stay and what the return home looks like. In this new series, Chad and Angela encourage conversations that help you stay aligned in this process.
Pursuers who like to plan can be perceived as controlling. Withdrawers who like to research and know before they make decisions can be perceived as slowing down the process and not having the same goals. Cycles and disconnections can happen quickly around an event that is designed for enjoyment and togetherness.
Join The Real Imhoffs as they talk about the different stages of vacationing, from planning to departing to enjoying the time away to packing all up and heading home. Then have a conversation with your partner about what you might want to include on your next vacation.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Episode 9: Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- Now that they’ve shown you several places where there is tension in their relationship, Chad and Angela start to explain how you can tell there is growth in those areas. Now that you have awareness around some of the content issues, what does continued growth look like.
How do you connect in moments of distress? The only person who can really give you assurance in the places where you have past meaning, is your partner. You can’t get the assurance you need from yourself. Feedback from the person who matters the most is what helps inform us that we are ok.
Angela explains that in those hard places, she needs to know that Chad is on her team. In the past, they used to just ‘hit the gas’ without understanding that something was happening. Now, they can slow down and acknowledge the other person’s experience. They can now take care of each other differently because they have been able to talk about it.
Minutes 5-10:
You can’t remove all of the triggers in the world. All you can do is give and get assurance that even it goes wrong, you’ll be ok. A lot of energy is spent trying to get it right. It would take pressure off and decrease the energy we use if we could get some space to fail and still find acceptance from our partner.
Angela explains that for pursuers, when she knows Chad is on her team, and he is there to help her, she can be more flexible with the plans she is holding on to for safety. There is escalated energy around past would that is used to try to keep us safe can shift if we have assurance from our partner.
Chad explains that if he is spending energy and effort trying to get things perfect, then he is missing the moments- and, there is no perfect thing anyway. The only way he can get it right if he lets someone else into the space- who he knows is for him.
Minutes 10-15:
Both sides of the cycle, once they sink down from the surface protection, end up turning on themselves and becoming their own worse critic. Everyone needs assurance- that our partners are there for us. We lose confidence in the assurance of our connection when we get into these negative cycles that are informed by our past wounds.
That is why we need to be able to slow down and evaluate ‘where did it go wrong?’ If a couple can slow down and share each other’s experience and do repairs around the miss, then they have a better chance of getting it better (not perfect) next time the familiar content shows up.
If you can say, ‘I feel myself doing this thing…’ and let you partner know what is happening, you have a better chance of getting ahead of it. We feel understood by the other person when we can explain our experience and share it and get responded to.
Minutes 15-20:
Often people would say, “shouldn’t you go work on that,” or “you need to go to therapy,” but the one place where we need assurance is in our most valued relationship. When our partners can know us in our insecure places and give us assurance and affirmation, we have better chance of getting the healing we need around these spots that can hijack us.
Often, these past wounds or ‘raw spots’ cause us to be self-focused. We get into protection mode and lose our connection with each other. Angela explains a little bit about big ‘T’ trauma and little ‘t’ trauma. When it’s a big even that is traumatic, it can be easier to identify and therefore you can get the help or healing you need around those big occurrences. When there are little themes and meanings and messages that have caused pain over time, it can be harder to identify them and therefore harder to know how to find healing from its influence.
Minutes 20-23:
If we can break down what is happening, we have a better chance to make a decision- together- if anything needs to change. Definitely get help and healing around the huge things that have hurt you, but also… make an effort to understand what influenced some of the little things that have shaped the way you interact with your partner in ways that interfere with your connection.
Connect Point:
In this connect point, Chad and Angela want you to take some time and discuss what it would look like to share some of the places where you have been stuck and also consider what growth could look like for you.
For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Episode 8: Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- Chad and Angela are breaking down content so you can get into the process and ask yourself what is going on? In this episode Chad breaks down some of his “Raw Spots” around money. He explains that growing up his family was poor and therefore he thinks about spending. He feels the need to be fragile with the money he has. Angela explains that they have been trying to get you to recognize patterns in your interactions so you can start to ask, what is at play and is ‘this’ a raw spot or is this something else?
The key is to note where the tension is and have a conversation about it. Where have you felt this tension before in your relationship and possibly even where have you felt this before- before your relationship. Early in their relationship, Angela explains that she noticed Chad was in a process that didn’t look familiar to her. So she began to ask Chad about what was going on.
Minutes 5-10:
Chad admits that there is tangible energy in the process that he is in around spending. Chad and Angela discuss the cycle they got in around him spending, specifically what Chad needs from Angela as a response when he brings it up. To help you understand how to break down the content, Chad and Angela talk you through their discussion around purchasing.
Chad starts off by mentioning that it’s not only around big purchases, but that he is also in a process around smaller purchases. For clarity, Angela explains that while she can see or sometimes feel the tension around the big purchases, she was unaware that he was also struggling to make smaller purchases. Chad explains that big or small, he feels strongly that how he spends money matters.
When these ‘raw spots’ come up, it is likely that your partner won’t know how you feel because their experience is different than yours. Angela shares that she does not have a problem buying items, so it was hard for her to understand what was happening for him.
Minutes 10-15:
To break down the differences for you, Angela explains that in the 11 years they have been together, she has had the same vehicle, but Chad has had 7 different vehicles and in every case there was a challenging conversation around the purchase. They share a story about buying a car for one dollar that he could fix and sell, and even making a dollar purchase took a lot of time and energy and effort trying to make sure it was the right choice.
The trap that can happen in a relationship is that it is difficult for the partner to bring up the process they see in the other partner without it landing like criticism. They explain that if the partner can approach with curiosity and an accepting tone, there is a better chance that you can get into the process that is at play. Angela says to Chad with curiosity- “Hey, something is happening for you, and I don’t understand it. Can you help me understand?”
Angela brings up 2 specific content topics that explains times when she misunderstood what he needed from her. One was about getting a third bike and the other was about upgrading watches.
Minutes 15-20:
It is helpful in this process if both partners can be clear about what they are presenting or what they need. Their cycle happens when Chad present a topic of purchase and Angela isn’t sure what he needs from her? Chad starts to ask questions about why it is a difficult process for him to make a purchase. Angela mentions why there has been tension added to this process because she was critical and even accused him of buying being an idol or over-spending.
He realized that he doesn’t feel that he can ever get the purchase right. As soon as he purchases any item, it is outdated. Chad says, making a purchase, even a needed one, never provides relief, it only provides stress. Chad starts to explain what he needs which includes assurance and verbalizing that Angela believes in his ability to make a good purchase.
Minutes 20-23:
It turns out that it really isn’t’ about the content. It is always about the process. You have to go through the content to get to the process, but eventually you have to sink below the content and figure out what else is at play. You have to be in tune with yourself so you can understand what is causing the internal tension.
Connect Point:
We want you to take time and consider if there are themes or patterns of interaction that cause tension in your relationship. Places where you spend a lot of time and energy overthinking or over analyzing. Can you identify places where you are stuck and share them with your partner? See if your partner can help you process what is going on.
For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Episode 7: Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- Chad and Angela are bringing up another example of a place where they got into a cycle. They break down the content and help you understand how they had a different conversation about it.
The content of this ‘fight’ is building a play structure in the back yard, which is harder than it sounds because of the slope of their backyard. As they are making plans to build it, they begin to bring their idea forward of how it should go. They agree on the majority of it. They found a used structure that they could use as a base and build on it.
Angela explains that ‘step 1’ of their process is that she draws out what it will look like when it is complete and even spells out the steps she believes will achieve the desired final outcome.
Minutes 5-10
For the most part, they work well together in the start of the project. Chad seem accommodating to Angela’s idea and they continue. As it comes together, they are both working and getting along. There is a moment in a project like this where something happens and the tone shifts. There is a specific task where they have a different idea about how it should go.
Several hours in, they get into a cycle where they both are ‘fighting’ for doing the project the way one of them thinks it should be done. Angela explains that at this specific point, she realizes that she can’t do this without Chad, so she has to relent. If she keeps fighting, it won’t get complete, and at that point, it getting done is more important than it being done the way she thinks it should be done.
Minutes 10-15:
At this point Chad and Angela slot the conversation and try to identify things from family of origin that are influencing their interaction. Angela brings up that they both come from parents who feel strongly that ‘being right matters.’ So when both of them feel that they are right, they can shift into a position where they are attacking the other person’s position to win their own.
Another thing at play from the past is that both Chad and Angela come from parents who were engineers and are problem solvers, so they both have seen what is required to get a task done. Chad discusses that it might be stubborn, but stubborn gets stuff done. And both of them feel that they know what is needed to get the project done.
As Chad and Angela continue to discuss what happened in this scenario, they realize that Chad actually becomes a Pursuer when they take on a construction project. In Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight, this is a “Demon Dialogue” fight called “Find the Bad Guy” when there is a double pursue.
Minutes 15-20:
Angela is a Pursuer, but in this setting, where Chad starts to Pursue, Angela realizes that if she continues to pursue her idea, there is a chance she will lose Chad and then the project won’t get done. They both articulate that they would prefer if they could overcome this and get along instead of them getting into a cycle around these projects.
Once the project is complete, they can look back and appreciate the unique contribution that the other person brought to the project, but in the moment, it is harder to see. This is why they review it after and discuss what went wrong.
Connect Point:
In this connect point we want you to consider if there are any areas where you flip your role or strategy. Is there any content in your relationship where the pursuer becomes the withdrawer or the withdrawer starts to pursue more? If so, how do you navigate it? Consider our fight around building projects and have a conversation with your partner about places where this might show up in your own relationship.
For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Episode 6: Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- Chad and Angela are bringing to you different areas where they have tension in our interactions and show you have to navigate the conversations. Both of us have experiences that are valid and deserve to be responded to, but when they push up against each other, who gets seen or heard? We’re trying to determine if some of these are “Raw Spots” or past wounds, or if they are something else.
T.E.M.P.: There is a Trigger, that brings an Emotion on line in our bodies, that activates a Meaning and moves us to Action. The topic that the Real Imhoffs discuss in this episode is ordering food at a restaurant.
Minutes 5-10:
Chad explains the process that happens for him when he orders food and it doesn’t come out to the expectation, and that makes him want to send the food back. Angela discusses the tension they experience because she has a different experience than he does that pushes against how he is going to respond.
A couple will often try to mitigate the problem without ever discussing it. Each person will make adjustments to how they have typically behaved and it hasn’t gone well, so each individual is trying to solve the problem on their own.
Minutes 10-15:
The goal for this is to be able to discuss patterns that are negative or that create tension and see if you can identify what is happening and can you solve the problem together to figure out what could make it better or different.
Can you identify what is going on and is it a raw spot or not? Are there any past experiences that could be influencing what is happening in the present? Angela discusses past experiences from childhood that trigger embarrassment and how those come on line when Chad wants to send food back.
Minutes 15-20:
Here is how you have the conversation- you have to be able to acknowledge that both Chad and Angela have valid experiences that deserve to been seen and responded to, but their experiences push up against each other and that is where the tension is.
Often a couple will just avoid these experiences where they can’t navigate the tension. Chad and Angela want couples to be able to have conversations about what is causing the tension and what they both need to show up for each other in these moments.
Connect Point:
We want you to consider how external expectations impact your internal conversations. Can the two of you how a conversation about what you both may need when external expectations did not get met and you might not see eye to eye on how to decrease the tension.
For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Episode 5: Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- Chad and Angela have given a few clear examples of ‘Raw Spots’ that they had previously identified in their relationship, but now what to discuss how you know if it’s just a trigger or a little cycle, or if there is something deeper. Often times our past wounds can be around family rules or family patterns that shaped us over time but now longer work in our present relationship. Is this just an irritable day where we feel disconnected or is this something we need to unpack and shift?
Some of these family rules might even be why a couple connected in the first place, but now we can evaluate if some of those need to change. As a point of reference, it would be good to go back and listen to our series called “Staying Tuned In,” where we discuss how we send clear messages to each other when we are aligned and connected, but that sometimes we send a distorted messages and the confusion can send a couple into a cycle.
Minutes 5-10:
One of the ways you can unpack a past wound is to pay attention to the times when the messages that are being communicated are distorted or confusing to understand. The first point of possibly unpacking a past wound or past influence is to recognize when the messages between the two of you start to get distorted. Is one person sending a confusing message? Or is one person having a challenge understanding the message. If so, you might slow down there and recognize that something deeper is at play.
Chad and Angela bring up a family rule that is causing tension between then and they start to unpack what else might be at play. The rule is around the content of being sick, or unproductive, or resting. The rule might be, if you aren’t doing something that contributes value, then you are valuable.
Minutes 10-15:
A few examples are shared that start unpacking where this unwritten influence is at play. On vacations, it is important to get the most out of your time off. When Angela was pregnant, there was an underlying message during the second trimester, when she got sick and couldn’t do much, there was a deep down lie about feeling worthless if she wasn’t doing something.
One of the reasons Chad and Angela coupled and work well together is because they share a capacity to do a lot. They both share the same family rules around ‘doing’ and it has been a virtue- however- it is no longer working in their family- therefore they are trying to have a discussion about what is at play and how to change it.
Angela’s family of origin, modeled for her that there was always something to do. Even around play and rest- camping, fishing, traveling… there is work. There is packing and unpacking and cleaning up. Their experiences have allowed them to have full and productive experiences, but they are both discussing the need to slow down and rest more.
Minutes 15-20:
We need feedback in order to know how we are doing. Feedback from our community, our family, our friends, in our circles, we see how others do things and then ask ourselves if we need to adjust how we do it. Sometimes we find that our choices fit us and we like them- so we can decide to keep them. But sometimes we recognize that our way isn’t working anymore and seeing how others do things gives us permission consider adjusting it.
What are the rules and rhythms of your life? Do you like them? If you do great- healthy people have good rhythms? Can you change the things that aren’t working, or is there a reason that you are being held to a choice based on past influence?
Connect Point: Take a few minutes and consider if there are any things that you continue to do as a rhythm or a routine that you learned in your childhood that you continue to do now. Do you like these things? Or would you like to consider changing them and why. Have a conversation with your partner about making new rules around some of the choices that were influences by your past patterns.
For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Episode 4: Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- Can you identify when these past wounds get triggered in a present interaction and the tie it back to something that happened in your past. This process happens in an order and needs to go slow. Don’t try to jump to the healing, if you can’t identify what is going on and what it is tied to. The good news is that we get to be the person who shows up in our partner’s pain and provide a secure attachment where healing can happen.
Once you’ve identified a “Raw Spot” or past wound that is showing up and influencing an reaction in your present, it doesn’t mean you never get triggered again, it only means that you’ve clarified what is happening and you can articulate it, share it with your partner and also get a response that has the potential to adjust your response.
Minutes 5-10:
You have to start with the questions; Do you want to change this? And are you ready to work on this right now? You have options and you get to decide if and when you want to engage this. What do you want to do with some of these responses that are emended in past wounds? If you want to change or adjust or at the very least, identify what is happening, then there is work to be done.
You have to be able to 1) Notice what is happening to me, 2) I know the story around the event or events that shaped the response, 3) I know where it came from and can feel the feelings associated with this trigger- I can identify the ingredients of the soup. Then I want to be able to do something different than the move that I have done in the past. You have to be able to recognize that I don’t like my move in this place, and I want to do some work so I can change my response. It’s vulnerable to do this.
The goal isn’t to get rid of all of these traits, but to have awareness and know what is happening and invite my partner into it so we can have a strategy around adjusting the response.
Minutes 10-15:
Chad tells a story about his heater going out in the middle of winter when he lived in Michigan in his 20s. The story he tells is about the messages that were reinforced around fixing things and how it is a benefit. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing that he has a response to broken things that he should try to fix them. However, he recently had a more negative response around something that wasn’t getting fixed and was out of his control. This past winter, the heater broke and Chad new what the problem was, but the part was on back-order with supply chain issues with not target date to resolve the issue.
When Angela asked Chad, “when is the heater going to get fixed?” It didn’t’ land like a question, it landed like an accusation that Chad was failing. They had to discuss the process and unpack the deeper messages that were influencing Chad’s response.
Minutes 15-20:
Angela’s response wasn’t great at first. At first she tried to talk him out of the feelings by saying, “you shouldn’t feel this way.” But then, she adjusted- and tried to explain that it wasn’t his fault and she could see it.
The person who gets triggered, has to be able to do the work- and the work is- self-reflection. This is what just happened to me and this is the trigger and the meaning I’ve assigned to it. Then, that person has to choose to let their partner it, then the partner has to responds in a way that is accepting and supportive.
Your response is valid- and it’s unfair that you have that experience and now your body responds in a negative way around that content, but it’s ok- we’re going to work through this together. We have a different dialogue around what is happening in those triggering moments.
Connect Point:
We want to you take some time and ask yourself- what is an area that I can acknowledge comes from my past, that can show up like a benefit to us most of the time, but that I can sometimes have a undesired response around. See if you can identify the good and the bad of it and share it with your partner.
For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Episode 3: Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- The hard thing about “Raw Spots” is that first you have recognize that something is happening, then you have understand where it came from, and then, it would be good if you could share it with your partner so that you can get an accepting response. ALL HARD, especially when you’ve never done them before.
Angela sets up the story of her ‘Raw Spot’. When they had been dating for about 3 months, Chad bought Angela a necklace. He hoped that she would respond well, but the response was very unexpected.
Minutes 5-10:
Angela had a trigger and couldn’t identify what was going on- she turned on him and criticized that he bought her jewelry. They were left with the question, ‘What Just Happened?’. Thank you might have been a better response. The jewelry wasn’t over the top. It was nice. Looking at the situation now, it’s sad. Angela can see that her response was out of the ordinary. She had shame around her response and they decided to talk about it.
Angela realized her internal process when she gets a gift. In the process, Angela decided she needed to dig deeper and Chad was able to ask, “when else have you felt like this?” This ties the thing in the present to experiences that have happened in the past. Angela began to realize that her body feels a pressure or expectation around how to respond to the gifts. She also has felt it on behalf of other people at birthdays, baby showers, wedding showers, etc…
Once you recognize that there is a trigger, and you can identify the content where the trigger shows up, you can start to unpack or put words to the meaning that is assigned to the experience.
Minutes 10-15:
What are the ingredients of the soup? In that moment, we need to break down all the different feelings in the moment. For Angela- around gift giving, there is fear, expectation, needed gratitude, and other feelings that would shut her down.
Angela’s family of origin, often used gifts to do repairs, instead of words. Some of the meaning Angela applied to the gifts meant I couldn’t talk about my pain, or there would be no apology for the harsh words that preceded the gift.
The hardest or most unfair part about a raw spot is that Chad likes to give gifts. So something he likes to do is the very thing that causes me to feel pain. So in order to try and get some healing around this specific wound, we need to ask, “when is the first time you felt that (or had the soup)?” Can you identify some of the root experiences that really assigned the meaning to the trigger.
Angela clarified the specific feelings that are triggered are about the expectation she has to respond correctly to the gift.
Minutes 15-20:
Where this really started to be a bigger problem is when their daughter wanted to start giving Angela gifts. She had to really get some repair around the wound of receiving gifts so that her response could shift. It is unfair for Chad and for their daughter that Angela has a wound around receiving gifts.
First, you have to have a awareness that something from your past is at play. Then, a great question to ask is, where have I felt this before. If you can tie the thing happening in the present to another moment when you felt this same thing in the past, you can start to identify the ‘ingredients in the soup.”
It can be tricky because these raw spots are so personal, that often the partner has no understanding of the feelings or the meaning around the trigger. The thing that raw spots exposes is how different our experiences are around specific content.
Connect Point:
See if you can identify a raw spot or heightened trigger and first try to identify some of the ‘ingredients in the soup’ then ask yourself, ‘when have I felt this before’ to see if you can tie it back to a previous time this happened to you. Then, have a conversation with your partner and share your experiences with each other.
For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- We’re trying to bring forward the idea that you have residue from a past wound and your present relationship is triggering that pain and neither of you know that this cycle is based on meaning from past pain. It’s normal for us to react to pain this way. These aren’t even “big T traumas” but more a thing that happened over and over where you have developed a pattern of responses.
A friend helped me realize that I learned these responses from reoccurring events that I experienced from my family. Like how metal is bent. Over time, metal is heated up and tapped and heated up and tapped and heated up and tapped… and that is how metal is bent. It’s not one time, it’s a series of reoccurring events that teach us how to respond.
The Big T traumas are usually isolated events that our bodies can identify as events that need to be processed. But the little tones and rules and responses that we learn subtly are the things that can get bumped in our present relationship.
Minutes 5-10:
When these things show up in our present relationship- it is easy to blame the present interaction for the pain. But in reality, we get the opportunity to show up for our spouse and help them heal in these moments of distress. There is nobody that can help you frame how you see yourself better than your partner.
How we noticed a “raw spot” that Chad had. Angela would ask, “Did you feed the dogs?” Chad heard the question and had a reaction.
Minutes 10-15:
At this point- the first time we experienced this- we did not know why he was having the reaction. Several months later, it happened again. Angela asks, “Did you feed the dogs?” and Chad has a reaction that is bigger than the situation merits. We started to notice that there is patterned response- but we don’t know why.
Angela starts to try to adjust how she asks the question. Adjustments are being made to try to have a better interaction, but we still have not identified what is actually happening for Chad when Angela asks, “Did you feed the dogs?” A cycle is at play, adjustments are being made, and neither of the partners knows what is bring triggered.
Can you identify that a response is ‘out of the ordinary’ that might be triggering something from your past? Outside of the context of the situation we had a conversation about what was happening that brought up the question for Chad- “where have I felt this before?” It reminded Chad of being a kid and getting in trouble for not doing chores.
Minutes 15-20:
Even though we are now aware of what is coming up, it doesn’t mean he won’t get triggered again. It only means we have better awareness and now we want to help our partner find some healing around a wound or at least try to re-write the meaning around what the trigger is saying.
Connect Point:
In this connect point we want you to reflect on your family of origin. If you, let’s say, did not feed the dogs, or did not complete a chore, what was your family’s response to you getting it wrong.” See if you can identify your family’s response and share it with your partner.
For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Connection Couples Podcast: Healing Wounds from the Past Series
Episode 1: How Wounds Show Up
First 5 minutes:
Intro- How do would from our past show up in our present relationships. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, wrote a book called Hold Me Tight, where she discusses 7 conversations that she suggests couples need to have to stay securely connects. In the second conversation she discusses “raw spots”. These are wounds from our past that get bumped or exposed in our current relationship.
Have you ever bumped a bruise that you didn’t know you had and you ask yourself, “where did that bruise come from?” You don’t know it’s there until it gets bumped. This happens with our wounds also. Our partners can accidentally bump or expose unresolved pain from our past. They can be the person who seems to cause the pain in our present, but the reality is that they are bumping residue or unresolved pain from our past that never got responded to.
Past-relational distress disorder. PRDD?? When pain from our past is unresolved and un-responded to, our body brings it back up.
Minutes 5-10:
We get injured by relationships. Our body holds that pain. Then, in our closest, most intimate relationship- those places where are body was holding pain- show up. Our partner can touch parts of our identity more than anyone else can. Our strategy to survive that pain can often be to ‘wall it off’ or shut it down. But our partner is now closer to us than anyone else and we are building safety and security, so our body is now bringing up things that need healing.
Our present partner- when there is a secure connection- can help our bodies heal, in our present, from our past pain. The question is, how does this past pain show up? Often times we can blame what is happening in our present. It can be hard to tie it back to our past pain. This series will discuss how to identify those spots and how to ask your partner to respond to.
Minutes 10-15:
A few of the markers that let you know a past wound might be coming up. Have you ever been in a cycle (example- Chad slow blinks, Angela increases energy, and the cycle plays out), that escalates more quickly than a typical cycle- and it leaves you asking, “What just happened?” It’s fast and it feels more urgent than a normal interaction.
Or maybe there was not a cycle at play, but something happens, and now because of that ‘thing’ getting bumped you are in a cycle, but can’t identify why. There is a good possibility that neither one of you knew there was a there. We’ve used the acrostic TEMP before, but considering it… the raw spot or past pain is in the M- the meaning. The trigger brings up a feeling that reminds us of a past pain.
Example- Chad was playing basketball in junior high and sprains his ankle. He is told to ‘walk it off’. Chad learns that he doesn’t need to complain about pain.
Minutes 15-20:
Locking the pain down and pushing through worked in a junior high game, but doesn’t work in intimate relationships. This shows up in our present relationship- if (Angela) notices something is wrong, it is hard to bring up because she is bringing attention to pain that he (Chad) is trying to keep locked down. It’s hard for her to respond to him if the deeper message is that he is not allowed to talk about the pain.
Another example- when our daughter switched to real food, but wouldn’t finish all the food on her plate, Chad would sometimes eat off her plate and when he did- Angela reacted. The reaction was heightened and urgent and didn’t make sense for the content that was playing out. It was a past wound from before this relationship.
These first examples aren’t the worst injuries we’ve had. These are just a glimpse at a few content topics that have shown up in our relationship that are wounds from our past where we have assigned meaning and are now reacting in our present to something from our past.
Time does NOT heal all wounds. We want to be able to identify that a wound is there and discuss the meaning assigned to it and possibly have our partner respond to it. But first…
Connect Point: In this connect point we want to see if you can identify a small thing that shows up in your present relationship that might be tied to something from your past. See if you can recognize the meaning you assigned to it and then share it with your partner.
For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series
Episode 14: Responding to Pain
Show Notes
Intro & First 5 minutes:
Alternative Responses that come up for couples who have experienced addiction. Once there has been health and sobriety, things feel better, however, if we never go back and discuss and open up the pain, then the body holds onto it. Addiction ‘takes’ a lot from the person and from the relationship. It’s important to, when the couple is in a more stable place, go back and discuss the losses so they can grieve.
Early on when there are apologies and responses, anger and resentment tends to be some of the first emotions or feelings that present themselves. But once the anger is responded to and the trust is rebuilt, sadness and grief is what presents.
5-10 minutes:
The sadness can be new- when there has been so much anger and protection. People who struggle with addiction tend to go away from pain- so to consider now going into the pain with purpose is hard. The opposite of addiction isn’t only connection- it’s connection around pain, where the person has gone to other things for comfort.
We (Chad and Angela) are both people who tend to outperform our pain. This concept is hard for us. Asking our partner to sit with us in pain is hard enough as it is. It’s even harder when the pain has been caused by our partner’s behaviors.
10-15 minutes:
Your ability to enjoy life and relationships is directly related to your ability to grieve and go through loss. If not, you wall off so many parts of yourself you feel isolated and disconnected. The parts are- be sad for it and experience it, but then also be able to put it down.
Honoring what it is that your body is trying to say when the pain comes up is what we are trying to acknowledge. A person who is in relationship with someone who struggles with addiction has mistrust and is holding pain from it that has never been acknowledged or responded to because it’s never been the right time. Couples that can bring up the pain, share it and discuss it, and grieve together, sure up their relationship in remarkable ways.
15-20 minutes:
It’s a hard thing to go into, but if you can ask, “what have we lost due to addiction?” You can break it down practically and write down time, dollar amount of what the addiction costed, but then also try to consider the emotional impact… that it has cost joy and connection that takes a long time to rebuild.
Pain is the emotion we are focusing on, but anger, shame, resentment and more are going to be pretty close to this pain and you should expect for them to show up too. Anger and shame are emotions that are very normal to experience in this process.
You might need help navigating this. A therapist. A Sponsor. Someone or a couple who has been through this and understands.
Connect Point:
In this connect point we want you to consider how you respond to pain and then share that with your partner. In order for our partner to be able to respond to our pain, it is important for them to understand our habits around pain. Take a few minutes to see if you can share with your partner some of the ways you respond to pain and disappointment.
To find out how to connect with Chad and Angela, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series
Episode 13: Relapse
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- Relapse is part of the process. What happens in your relationship when the ‘addicted’ person relapses? Does it mean you are back at square one? Addiction and coping strategies are fluid, meaning periods and seasons of health and wellness tend to fluctuate. We can be healthy for a while, then get triggered and fall back into old patterns. It doesn’t mean we are back at zero.
Minutes 5-10:
Our bodies hold and remember how painful ‘square one’ was, which is why relapse can trigger feelings of those old pains. Our brains go back to the pain that the earlier interactions caused. One of the signs that you aren’t at square one is that your awareness of the process is already more advanced than where you used to be.
Relapse doesn’t have to mean going all the way back into the habit the way it used to be used. It can mean just leaning back on old habits during a time of trigger or stress. This can often add shame into the awareness process, which tends to perpetuate the habit. It’s important to make the distinction, is it a ‘relapse’ is it a ‘slip up’… what is the narrative around ‘usage’?
Sometimes asking a few deeper questions can reveal the differences from the former usage to the current behavior of resorting back to it.
Minutes 10-15:
3 or things to look for around relapse. 1. Did the person who went back to the habit know that they didn’t want to do it. Is there an awareness. 2. Did they come forward and share their mistake- versus getting caught. 3. How long did they stay back in the former habit? Relapse, like addiction- is a continuum.
The key is to pay attention to what part of the structures you put into place areas that still need work. Community, accountability, access to things… there might be areas that need to be sured up- and a slip up or relapse will reveal where those weaknesses are.
Trust is still being built in the newness of the health and both partners are only just learning the new ways to build security.
Minutes 15-20:
There is a benefit to analyzing a relapse. Where did the disconnect happen and how can you adjust moving forward. If you can zoom out and look at the process- the relapse or the triggers and challenges, you’ll be confronted by are predictable. It’s easy to slip out of the new routines when the newness wares off.
When new trusts are being built, and someone messes up, it is easy to go to blame and forget that there is an interaction happening between two people. The cycle is at play even in the new choices.
Affirming again that a relapse doesn’t put you back to square one- because you should have lots of new resources to turn to.
Connect Point:
In this connect point we want you to do- take a few minutes and assess the support and structures you have put into place to help you feel secure in your recovery. Then share it with your partner.
To read more about what Chad and Angela Imhoff are doing, check out www.therealimhoffs.com
Episode 12: Recap and Resources
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- In order to navigate these hard places, we often need a guide. We need help. We encourage you find resources and use them so that you can start to adjust the very strategies you needed when you were in an unhealthy place.
In this final episode of this series we are going to do a recap and offer resources. You might have tuned into this because someone told you to or because you wanted insight on your specific issue, but we may have missed it, because it’s impossible to cover all the outliers and nuances of this topic.
Often times people talk about what you need to STOP doing when it comes to an addiction, but we want to emphasize what TO DO. These five things help you get healthy and stay healthy.
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Set safe guards in your life the remove the item you struggle with. Try to put some distance between you and your temptations.
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Try to have self-awareness around some of your triggers and experiences are. Learning what is causing you to want the thing and what you think that thing will offer can help you make the adjustments you need.
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What does it look like to self-care? Do you know what brings you joy and helps you feel well? Often it can be something that gets you moving or something that stimulates your brain.
Minutes 5-10:
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Relationships is the fourth thing to consider. Its more than just a person. It is more of a community or group of people who understand my process and knows me.
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The last one is knowing your story. Being able to embrace our own process, maybe even doing an inventory.
We’re reflecting on the scaffolding that the addict can put in place to become healthier, but we also want to reiterate the impact of a healthy attached partner. It’s not a goal for the partner to be the accountability partner of the addict, but we do encourage you to consider the strategies you developed during the addiction that you might need to shift in this healthier season.
We encourage both individual and couple’s therapy to discuss some of the long term consequences and damage that might need to be repaired. Addiction is the opposite of connection. To really start to shift the cycle of addiction, you need to consider going toward the places that need to be responded to and cared for. We not only get health around the ‘thing’, but we also build a healthier connection in our relationship.
We believe that even the hardest scenarios overcome and find healing and health.
Minutes 10-15:
We have hope for you, whatever process you are in. There is a way to replace disconnection and addiction with repair and connection. There is a way to find new community and new habits and a new way of living. Our culture tells us so many of the wrong things will satisfy us, but we have to have hope from something else.
We believe that there is hope in God, but we also have hope that someone is going to show up for us, even if we have never experienced that. If you can’t show up for your partner because there has been too much damage, we encourage you to get help. If you can clarify what the pain is and get responded to by a therapist or support group, then you can possibly consider starting to take that pain to your partner, and being there to respond to your partner’s pain.
A few of the resources that we’ve already mentioned and want to reiterate: Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and of the secular anonymous groups. Celebrate Recovery, is a faith based 12-step program that covers all the issues and is available nationwide also. You can check out www.celebraterecovery.com for a location near you.
We also recommend that if you get into therapy, that you see an Emotionally Focused Therapist. You can go do the website: www.iceeft.com to find an EFT therapist near you.
Connect Point:
In this connect point we want you to consider, what is the next step you need to take to be a healthier person?
To learn more about Chad and Angela and what they do, check out www.therealimhoffs.com
Episode 11: The Partner of Addiction
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- Now that your partner has a stretch of sobriety, the partner of the addict has to adjust the tendencies of control and over managing- that were required when the addict was using- but that are now not helpful for the relationship.
Diving in to the other side of addiction, looking at the partner of someone who has had an addiction. The first thing we notice is just how hard the person is working to maintain balance in the home. The partner of the addict often is the one picking up all the slack to make sure everything runs ok AND in all that doesn’t give up on the relationship.
Things like- create activities to keep the kids busy to they don’t feel the lack, continually checking the bank accounts to make sure they have security, over managing schedules and plans to try and mitigate any misses, etc… The reason this is hard is because the partner is doing SOOO much to help that it is completely unfair to imply that their behaviors are now part of the addictive cycle.
Minutes 5-10:
In order to maintain everything, the partner has to manage so much, and can’t rely on the addict, and now that there is a stretch of sobriety and health, you have to release some of the things that you had to take on. Just like the addict has to learn to replace the bad choices with healthy ones, the partner to the addict has to consider replacing some of the controlling tendencies with something else that is healthier for the relationship.
There are some deeper questions worth considering when you are the partner of a person who struggled with addiction. One question to consider is… what about me chose a person who chose addiction. It is easier to blame the addict for the being the problem then to consider how my responses or behaviors might be contributing to the problem.
Minutes 10-15:
We cannot say enough that this is hard to hear, hard to consider, hard to take in, hard to believe. It is good to acknowledge that the partner’s behaviors to keep everything going were needed to keep everything going, but now things have to shift.
Here are some practical action steps that the partner can consider. The first is awareness. Self-awareness and self-care are important for the partner to have regardless of the addict choices. Several series ago we talked about how the wounded or hurt partner needs to be able to distill down their pain, then share it in a way that the partner can respond to.
It’s a hard shift to for the partner to start to see the former addict as a resource versus a liability. The more we can clarify our internal messages the more likely we can get the response we need.
Minutes 15-20:
For these injuries that happened in the height of the unhealthy behavior, both partners have to realize that there was no way to address it in the moment. The partner was only surviving the addict’s choices. Now that they have sobriety and awareness, there is an opportunity to build security where there were gaping wounds and pain. It’s nearly impossible. Because your partner has failed you in your past, you have built rigid systems that have not failed you, and now we’re asking you to consider putting aside the thing that has not failed you, and try to rely on the thing that has failed you. We understand this is unfair and also really difficult.
However, if we continue to behave as though our partner is still unhealthy, even though there has been evidence that suggests they are healthier, chances are we will not be able to embrace the change and therefore actually be pushing against it.
Specifically, in regard to pornography, it isn’t only that the addictive behavior sends a message that the addict is not ok, but also might imply internally to the partner that maybe they aren’t enough or aren’t good enough. It pushes on the partner ‘view of self’.
Minutes 20-25:
In this process we are asking the partner to step into their pain and their experience when their partner was in the addiction and try to articulate it in a way that a repair can be made. Can you try to bring forward how your addicted partner’s behaviors impacted your identity and your view of yourself.
In the last episode we tried to nail down the impact the addict’s choices had on their partner. In this episode we are trying to allow the partner to get that pain responded to. We want to build security where there is insecurity. This is part of the maintenance of healthy living. Going back and repairing where damage was done. Digging up places where the partner’s body still has mistrust that we want to repair and replace with security.
Connect Point:
Take a few minutes and try to distill and think about when the struggle was still active. Can you get more clear around what impacted you the most and what some of your internal messages you were believing about yourself in those places.
For more information about The Real Imhoffs, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Episode 10: Attachment Injuries
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- We have to go back, not to say I’m sorry, but to say that I recognize that damage I’ve caused has left a lasting impact and I hate that impact and want to make up for it.
Still talking about addiction and how it impacts relationships. Trying to provide a framework for understanding addition more and the long term impact it has on both partners. In this episode we’ll be discuss the long term damage that the addictive behavior caused and how important it is to go back and repair where there was damage done.
Scenario- year three of sobriety after ten years of not drinking. Things have been going well, but the relationship still doesn’t feel as connected it could. On a random day, the addict comes home late and the partner freaks out. The partner is panicking because of the damage done in the ten hard, bad years, even though there has been three good years.
Minutes 5-10:
The partner who did the damage has to be able to acknowledge that even though there has been several good years and sobriety, there is still residue from the past that the partners body is holding onto. At the time the damage was being done- in real time- no one had the wherewithal to recognize the damage. Then, there were years working on sobriety and getting healthy, but also no attention was given to the pain caused in the bad years.
At some point, the couple needs to go back and acknowledge the pain that was caused and repairs and amends need to be made, so that the partners body and start to have more assurance in the places of mistrust. It’s hard and shaming and embarrassing to go back into the damage, but it is necessary for the attachment to be repaired.
Minutes 10-15:
This is a message that says, go through recovery together! It is helpful for the partner to see the work that the addict has been doing. The partner needs assurance that the addict isn’t going to make the same choices and being able to acknowledge the damage that was done is a good way to give that assurance.
There are so many things that could have caused some damage, and therefore it’s important to make sure that they are acknowledged and repaired. This isn’t about blame and ownership out of revenge or anger. This is about the person who caused pain circling back to rebuild trust in places where trust was lost. This is hard.
Minutes 15-20:
This is so hard because at this point there is already so much work into healthier living. We are asking the addict to go back into pain that they avoided for good reason. So to have to set aside all the hard work they have been doing and go back into past mistakes and pain, it feels crazy.
It would be easy to feel attacked and criticized when your partner gets triggered, but if you can recognize that it is only their body alarming them and you can help calm them, it changes your ability to respond. This is a complex maneuver that requires awareness and healing. You have be capable of recognizing that something you did in your past is still affecting your partner in their present and you have the opportunity to help them heal.
Minutes 20-25:
From Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight, or the workshops we do, Created for Connection, there is something called a Raw Spot where there is a wound or a painful injury that needs attention.
Connect Point:
Can you consider if you’ve made a choice in your relationship that had consequences that affected your partner and can you acknowledge what the choice was and how it affected them, and then discuss it with your partner.
To read more about Chad and Angela and what they do, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Episode 9: Your Story
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- Sharing your story and how you got healthy give you assuring in your heart and in your relationships that you aren’t’ going back to the place where you were.
The fifth of the 5 action steps is embracing your story. It’s often hard to ‘own’ your story without having the first 4 action steps in place first. But once you can tell your story, and show the long division, you can give yourself assurance that you know how you got here and what you need to be healthy. Our culture promotes keeping the hard stuff private, so this step can be hard.
For me, realizing how my life broke down, it was easier to start to understand my own stuff because I was in CR and was listening to other people sharing their stuff. It was inspiring and helped me have the courage to start considering my own flaws and poor choices. So often we want to present the good things and we forget to acknowledge the bad.
Minutes 5-10:
If we are unaware of some of the reasons we struggle, then sometimes those things we are unaware of can be the underlying things are run us, and we don’t even know it. Our bodies are designed to hold on to hurt, so when we’ve been through hard places, yet we hide the places that our body remembers, it can feel incongruent. Without putting the pieces together, it’s harder to stop the bad behaviors because we don’t know what they are connected to.
Even though our culture is getting better at acknowledging mental health needs, often our family of origin rules and past experiences speak louder to us about what we can own about where we come from.
Minutes 10-15:
You don’t really want to go to this 5th one until you have the first four done. You need people to support you and who know your story and accept you, so that you can start to accept yourself. A good place to start is with a timeline of your chronological events. You can start to fill in some of the emotionally impactful things, but the framework for a timeline is a good foundation.
Once your timeline is in place, can you look back and ask yourself if there were events that were hard or left an impact on who are you. Often you can start sharing with the people who are safe, like a therapist or a sponsor. We don’t suggest you do this alone. In recovery groups, people often do an inventory. That’s a good thing to do if you are getting started on this process.
Minutes 15-20:
It can be confusing on our stories when people we love who cared for us, also hurt us at moments in our lives. Being about to identify the impactful moments, good and bad, is part of embracing who we are and how experiences shaped our identity.
It takes work for us to redeem some of the worst parts of our stories and choices, but it is possible. The first step is to identify what those worst parts are and why and how they happened. We also have to consider the pace that is sustainable for our body as we start unpacking hard things.
Minutes 20-25:
When you can start stacking the action steps, then you can build self-care in on the days when you start to unpack your story. Also, communicate to your safe people that you are about to tackle some hard topics from your past so that they can be ready to respond to you if you need it.
Connect Point:
Take some time and consider your story and ask yourself if there are some years or events that you would like to remove from your timeline. If so, consider sharing those times with your partner.
To read about and hear more of Chad's and Angela's stories, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Episode 8: Relationships
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- When we are talking about relationship and community, we are referring to people who get your journey and who can support you in the process.
The 8th episode and the middle of the 5 Action Steps that support recovery. Number 4 is Relationships. Not just the married relationship you are in, but also the relationships in your life that influence you. In order to sustain change and stay committed to change, you have to make sure the influences in your life line up with your goals.
We discussed, while still in the action stage, versus the maintenance step, what it would look like to host my parents who don’t follow the same patterns of eating as we had shifted to. Chad discusses what it looked like when he drank socially, connecting with the people around him was part of the process.
Minutes 5-10:
We have to start choosing to hang out with, so that the people who we hang out with have lifestyles in the direction we want to go. “If you hang out in a barbershop long enough, you’ll probably get a haircut.” Even in Chad’s Strava account, he started following people whose activity matched what he was hoping for his level of activity to look like.
We encourage people to look around and see who is living a life that models the way you want to live, and then surround yourself more with those people. The change we are looking for aren’t just behavioral changes. They are community changes and relational changes and attitude changes. For sustainable change, I have to find community that understands and supports the change you are trying to make.
Minutes 10-15:
We have been talking about the importance of including healthy and supportive community in your process. It is also important to consider what community might trigger you or what influence might not be supportive of your process. You have to be aware enough to know what influence is beneficial and what influence is not helpful.
It’s a hard thing to consider that your family of origin or even your spouse might be part of the influence that is producing shaming or triggering your process. You might need to consider needing to set boundaries or limits on the time you spend with the people who trigger you.
Minutes 15-20:
We also want to encourage the partner of someone who is addicted to consider getting involved in the recovery process. If there is addiction in your relationship, then you probably have plenty of pain and distress around the addictive behaviors also, and it would be good for you to get support on your side also.
Part of this process will be for you to learn a new way of interacting with some of the people you care about the most who might also inadvertently are hindering your process and don’t even know it. Again, we’re saying, shifting your relationships so that you are surrounding yourself with people who support your process and limit your time with those who aren’t as helpful.
Minutes 20-25:
These action steps build on each other. You don’t start with cutting off or shifting relationships. You start with limiting access to the things you over use. Then increase self-awareness. Then make sure you are doing good self-care. Then, once those first three are in place, you start assessing and adjusting relationships.
Connect Point:
Take some time and think about, where are the places that I find support and who are the people who provide support of my process? Maybe also think about the flip side. Where are the places and who are the people that do not support my process?
For more information or to contact Chad and Angela, go to their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Episode 7: Self-Care
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- If we are going to consider healthy self-care, we need to consider something that engages our physical body and something that challenges our mind.
We’re discussing the nuts and bolts of recovery and how we get traction in our health and sobriety. This episode is all about self-care. Angela starts with her thoughts on self-care from her experience. During a time when she was trying to get healthy her sponsor asked her, are you eating healthy and sleeping well? As simple as those questions are, being a healthy human at its most basic level, is fueling and resting.
Another one is, am I exercising? What is self-care for Angela? Being able to disconnect from technology and to slow down and remove ourselves from work and stress is a start for good self-care.
Minutes 5-10:
What does it look like to take a little time for yourself? We often think we have to take care of everyone else first and also that we have to be productive. And self-care doesn’t have tangible measures. It doesn’t feel production. Angela overheard a quote about how intimacy is built around wasting time, and we don’t build into our schedules, wasted time.
We are not good at self-care. It is way easier to go to the other things. These 5 action steps build on each other. We have to remove access to things. We have to have awareness. And now we are adding to those two, we have to consider what it is like to tend to ourselves. We have to self-care. When we are unhealthy, we waste time and money. But then when we try to get healthy, somehow we lose track of the fact that some ‘wasted time’ is actually good for us.
Minutes 10-15:
What is my body asking for? What would feed my longing and give me a sense of relief. Chad likes bike riding. It is good for his soul. Can we have an awareness of what adds to our life and what brings us joy? There isn’t a self-care plan that is general and applies to everyone. It has to be specific and be something that you enjoy.
Angela shares story of her sponsor knowing her well enough to encourage her to do laundry and go for a run because those things are good self-care for her.
Minutes 15-20:
There are a few inherent ideas for self-care. Some form of physical activity is good for everyone. Getting your body involved is good everyone. Studies support this. Feeding your mind is another good option. Challenging your mind to learn something new. Ask yourself, “What can do that is fun, active and also challenges my mind?”
Some of the things that are not great to ‘do’, watching too much tv or playing video games. Try not to go to fantasy as self-care. Fantasy and escape doesn’t challenge your mind or your body.
Minutes 20-25:
It’s worth it to consider asking what you reward yourself with. If you use some of your vices as ways to celebrate, and you remove them, you can also lose celebration if you haven’t figured about another thing that is good for you in the place of the bad. Am I adding something? And then how do I give myself permission to self-care. You have to be aware of what is good for you.
Connect Point:
Ask yourself, what is one thing you can add to your life or do that you enjoy, that would have a healthy side effect for you, your family or those around you. First check in with yourself, then see if you can share it with your partner.
For more information about The Real Imhoffs, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Episode 6: Self- Awareness
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- We have to take the time to check in. Do we have a process of checking in, especially around our areas of pain? If in don’t know what my pain is, I will comfort it somehow and not even know why or what I am doing.
We are in the 2 of 5 things that support healthy living or sobriety. The first, from the last episode, was Safe Guards. In this episode we’ll be talking about Self-Awareness. Can you identify what happens to you in distress? Do you get anxious? Do you want to isolate? Can you identify what the ‘vice’ satisfies?
We’re asking you to be curious about what happens to you when things go wrong, and then also when you turn to the thing you abuse or over use. We often ignore things we feel in order to just get through them, so slowing down to be aware of what’s going on is really hard. We have to take the time to check in with ourselves about when and why we are going to this other thing.
Minutes 5-10:
Sometimes, outer circumstances will tell us we need to look within. But we are hoping to get you to start considering what those internal things are without having our outer circumstances being the reason we have to look.
A good thing to use is the appraisal theory, which we’ve discussed before through the acrostic that our friend George Faller created, TEMP. What is the trigger, and how it is hitting me emotionally? Then, what is the meaning and can I track it to my protective action or the behavior that I do. Example- Angela going to the pantry to find something to satisfy my anxiety.
Minutes 10-15:
If we bring this process back into the cycle that happens to a couple, if one is having an off day and wants to lean toward the negative behavior and the other is also having an off day, it is way easier for them to just step off the action plan for healthy choices and regress to how things had been going. Being aware of what is going on shifts this process enough to allow a partner to help the other when one is off, so at least for both to discuss what the healthier option would be.
Chad pulls himself back into the moment he is asking us to consider. Slow down. Meditate. Be present in your body. Take the time to ask, “What’s going on inside me?”. PERMS is an acrostic we’ve used before. Physically, Emotionally, Relationally, Mentally, and Spiritually. Can I check in with myself on any of these and ask how I am doing right now?
Minutes 15-20:
If we have awareness, our conversation shifts from going straight to the behavior, to what is happening in our process. Chad says, “I’m tired and hungry.” Angela says, “I feel anxious because I’m behind and I feel I’m letting us down.” And now we are discussing how we feel and not just planning the quick fix for the feelings. Another option is to slow down enough to have awareness first, and then discus with your partner.
Example of a couple where one partner had a hard day at work and in the past would have stopped by the liquor store and gotten a drink on the way home, and he recognized- this is the moment where I relapse. And instead, pumped the breaks on his behavior for one moment and instead played a song in the car and listened to it, and then called his partner and explained what he was going to do. His partner thanked him for sharing, invited him to come home for dinner and they discussed his hard day. This created a new experience for them.
Minutes 20-25:
Another example is Chad coming in the door and explaining that he had a little more work to do and felt pressure to both be present for the family but also finish his work, helped Angela understand and even give him the space he needed to finish and her the space she needed also. The awareness is the first step for this new move.
The first part of this new process is awareness. The next move that is also new, is sharing it with your partner, which we will discuss more in the episode we’ll talk about relationship, but for now, we really want to you to try to slow down and try to tune in to what you are feeling.
Connect Point: We want you to slow down and right now, consider the elements of the PERMS acrostic; Physical, Emotional, Relational, Mental, Spiritual. Take some time and examine those in this moment and if you can identify how you feel in any of those, see if you can share it with your partner.
To read more about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- We have to start to look at the reasons why we go to a substance. The story always makes sense. We want to help bring context to your struggle.
This is where we talk about how we take action. In addiction people often talk about what they aren’t going to do. “I’m not going to drink.” In this episode we start talking about, “What I AM going to do.”
As a reminder, we are talking to both partners. The partner that might be the addict and the spouse of the addicted partner. Also, without clear motivation, change won’t happen. The person who needs to change, is the one who needs the motivation.
The first of 5 action steps is Safe Guards. This is about minimizes or reducing exposure and reducing access to things that might contribute to the addiction.
Minutes 5-10:
The second one is Self-Awareness. People who struggle with dependence or abuse of a substance often have no awareness of why they even use it. The third of the five Action steps is Healthy Self-Care. Taking care of yourself includes doing things that bring you joy.
Number four is Relationships. The people who we choose to surround ourselves with either support our health or contribute to our unhealthy behavior. And finally, number five is being able to embrace your own story. You have to find a way to figure out how you got here without the shame that is often attached to it. The story always makes sense.
Minutes 10-15:
We want to bring coherence and context to your story. We want to help you put your narrative together and that includes owning your part, but also knowing what parts aren’t yours to own. Those are the five things we will continue to discuss over the next five episodes. The rest of this episode will discuss Safe Guards.
Coming in to this series we’ve been tightening up our eating habits, so we had to remove access to some of the unhealthy things we were eating. We removed some of the sugary things and some of the carbs. A person who struggles with drinking would possibly adjust how they drive home to avoid driving by a liquor store. Someone who struggles with online addiction might put restrictions on their computer.
Keep in mind that someone who wants to keep using will find a way to get the thing. This is one of five things that are interlocking and when put in place will help a person with motivation to change to make a slight adjustment to what they do.
Minutes 15-20:
If there is easy access to something that will temp us, we might accidentally use it out of habit. Something to consider; in the preparation phase, being ok about getting rid of all the things. We actually pushed off our start state of healthy eating because we didn’t want to get rid of stuff, which isn’t a best practice for change. You might need to get rid of somethings that you have handy if they contribute to your addiction.
Removing exposure to some of the excessive behaviors means setting different boundaries around what you do. A workaholic still works, but sets different parameters around how much working will be done and when to stop.
This can be a challenge when you have to ask those around you to support what you are trying to change. You might need to ask your spouse or family or tribe to support what you need in the process.
Minutes 20-25:
If you are the partner of someone who is trying to change, you are probably going to have to change some things also. Chad and I were able to make adjustments because we were willing to work together about what we both needed to change. A conversation around what we need to remove for change to happen is required between a couple. Moving something ‘a couple steps away’.
Putting barriers in place isn’t the key to sobriety, but it is one piece of the scaffolding that you will build around you to secure the change you make.
Connect Point: Identify something that you would like to create a barrier to get to. Is there anything that you would like it to be a little harder to access. Once you know, share it with your partner so they can support you in your decision to change.
For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, check out www.therealimhoffs.com
First 5 minutes: Intro- Inaction doesn’t work in recovery. You have to have Action. You have to do something healthy or it leaves a vacuum that will possibly be filled with the wrong things.
Now that we’ve acknowledged how hard it is for someone to just stop an excessive habit, let’s discuss what the process of addiction looks like. There are two researchers, Prochaska and DiClemente, who came up with a framework for the process. The first stage of the process is Pre-contemplation.
A quick disclaimer that we are coming from the understanding that we are talking to both people at the same time. An individual conversation with an ‘addict’ or an individual conversation with the loved one of an ‘addict’ will look different based on their level of awareness of their own process.
Minutes 5-10: The 6 stages are: Pre-contemplation. Contemplation. Preparation. Action. Maintenance. Relapse. Both sides of the relationship could be in one of these stages- in other words, the partner to the ‘addict’ could be in contemplation or preparation stage, trying to get traction, but the person with the dependence might not even realize it.
You don’t really know there is a problem, until you try something and it’s harder to change than you though it would be. An example is the food and health issues that Chad and Angela are adjusting. We wouldn’t have been able to acknowledge that there was a problem, expect that we have tried to change things and failed multiple times.
Minutes 10-15: Some problems are visible on the outside. Being overweight or getting a DWI makes a problem more obvious. Sometimes you can recognize you need to change and you can put yourself in the Preparation and Action stages. Other times something happens that makes you change and you are forced into an action step.
Before you can change, you have to have a plan. Preparation is an important part of the process of recovery. Once you have a plan, you have to move to the Action stage. Action is not Maintenance. In the Action stage you can’t be caught up with results, it is only designed to start changing things.
Minutes 15-20: Once there has been consistency in the Action Stage, there can be goals set for maintenance. There is a distinction between Action and Inaction. Recovery is more than just not doing something. There must be doing.
Within the Action Stage there is another cycle that shows up. Could be triggered by a life stressors or some other trigger that pushes a person back into their habit. When they relapse, the cycle looks like this: There is shame and guilt for using again once they had committed to stop. There is repentance and regret which leads to swearing off the habit again. The person ‘sobers’ up and stops for a while and can have some time in success… until another trigger hits and then it starts over again.
Minutes 20-25: Inaction does not work in recovery. It’s not only about NOT doing the behavior or substance. Recovery requires ACTION steps. Doing healthy things that respond to the underlying pain.
Connect Point: Take a few minutes and instead of identifying things you don’t want to do (inaction), consider a few things that you could do that would be healthy or beneficial to you.
To know more about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series Episode 3: Habits
First 5 minutes: Intro- It’s hard to just quick because we have to rewire our brains. Quitting an addiction doesn’t give us practice around engaging in our relationships in a way that’s comforting.
Moving the definitions and qualifiers out of the way, lets discuss why we can’t just stop our bad habits! When we have turned to something over and over again for relief it is much hard to just quit that wanting to. Starting new ‘good’ habits is hard too. We have to replace our negative habits with something that takes up as much time or weight in our lives. If not, there is a void.
If we gave a fraction of the amount of energy to our health as we have to our unhealthy, we’d be healthier. Some of our bad habits have become such reliable patterns that it’s hard to just remove them from our day to day activity- because it’s been built in.
Minutes 5-10: Some of the unhealthy addiction we’ve adopted, build pathways into our brain that becomes something we rely on. Awareness is still the first start to being healthy. We can often be using ‘healthy’ habits in a way that makes us look efficient on the outside, but we are still unaware what we are ‘using’ those habits for. Can we acknowledge our internal anxiety or negative feelings that we are using those positive behaviors for?
We want to start discussing what the behavior is satisfying. As a baby, we cry out and get responded to. As we grow, we learn what we get responded to and what we need to hold back or self-sooth. We are designed to connect, but we are trained to become self-reliant.
Minutes 10-15: Our daughter used a pacifier to sooth herself in distress. When we weaned her off, we had to discuss different ways to comfort herself in a healthy way, and turning to mom and dad isn’t always available.
Instead of a partner saying, “I need you to stop drinking so much,” what might it look like to say, “I notice that you turn to drinking lot, and I wonder what I might be able to do so you could turn to me for comfort instead of drinking.” YIKES, that’s hard to consider. In order for this to work, there would have to be acute awareness and availability around the need for comfort.
I (Angela), recall my mom complimenting me on being a hard worker. It was a virtue to her that our family of origin goes to work as a form of comfort. Our family rule, if you can do something productive with your discomfort, then at least you’ll have a positive result from the negative feeling.
Minutes 15-20: This isn’t about blaming our parents for what we know and have learned. This is about trying to identify what we learned to do when we need comfort. Then maybe we can start to shift what we go to for comfort because we can at the very least recognize that comfort is needed.
It is not only the present of bad things that created the need for comfort, but also the absence of good. If we did not get taught how to comfort ourselves in a healthy, positive way, we will learn to use what we can. We have it in us to want and desire comfort from another human, but we have found other ways to exist. In order to stop the ‘other’ ways, we have to work on how we connect. Hugs are not the same as cocaine, so we have to learn how to get the comfort we need.
Minutes 20-25: People who come from a family where addiction is present often have a language that includes the process of sobriety. But a family that doesn’t have the presence of addiction, often has a hard time even identifying that there is a problem with getting comfort from each other.
The sad truth about addicts, that they are often in systems where all of the efforts to help them stop are actually only perpetuating the negative habits. Both sides of this negative cycle are just as hopeless. One side relies on performance and striving and the other leans on substance or negative behaviors and both sides miss that we need each other in those places.
Connect Point: In trying to identify what we learned, what did you see people in your family of origin do with their pain? What did they go to or do to manage their discomfort?
To learn more about Chad and Angela and why they care so much about this topic, go to their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series Episode 2: Basic Terms
First 5 minutes: Intro- This is the way people have learned to cope, and now it is running their life and stealing from what they cherish most.
Breaking down specific terms. People can have a big reaction to a word based on what they believe it means and often there is a misunderstanding around some of the words associated with addiction. Starting off with what would merit the use of the word Addiction. Where is the line drawn between, using something to being addicted?
Clinically, people don’t use the word “addiction”. But outside of a clinical setting, people use and label someone an addict- as a person who can’t give something up.
Dependence. Abuse. Use. Are the 3 terms that would best describe a person’s connection to a coping behavior or substance.
Minutes 5-10: You might ask, do you have a negative side effect if you stop ‘using’. Dependence is the highest level, where someone has a negative affect if they don’t use it. Abuse is the middle level, where there isn’t a dependence, but whenever I do use it, I over use it. Abuse doesn’t have a negative side effect when you stop, but it does have an effect when you do use it.
The flip side of these 2; “There is a negative outcome when I use” … is Abuse. “There is a negative outcome when I stop using” … is Dependent. When the level of use is required to feel ok and if I try to stop there are withdraws, or a negative outcome (anxiety, physical pain, etc...)
Minutes 10-15: A person who is dependent on something is using almost daily. A person who is abusing something is using it occasionally, but using too much when they do. “Use” is in moderation but there is still an ability to stop or not overuse it.
You might have a problem if… someone in your life tells you there is a problem, or you might have enough insight to realize you are overusing something. When something happens in your life that makes you consider that you might be using something to the point that it is out of balance. In the abuse stage- other people in your life will tend to notice first. In the dependent stage, you might know, but just don’t know how to get out of it.
Co-dependency. A word that is used to describe some of the behaviors of the person in a relationship with or the loved one to the addicted person.
Minutes 15-20: If you are a partner of the addict, there is already a pattern or cycle at play- in pursue and withdraw fashion- that is possibly perpetuating whatever the addition is. There are shifts that the loved one of the addict can learn and make that will help. It’s never only the addiction that is the problem.
The addictive behavior always serves a function. Most of the time the use of the behavior or substance is born out of a need. It is a strategy that provides relief, but it now hurting your life. The disclaimer- we want to make sure the victim of addiction doesn’t feel blamed or targeted. We want to give you the tools you need to come along side your addict in a way that is effective.
Minutes 20-25: The partner of the addict… you love your person. Even though they are making bad choices, using, hurting you and your family, etc… you also love their dearly and want to help them. You see their potential and want to fight for them. You hold so much HOPE for the relationship. It is So hard to be the partner of someone who is struggling with abuse or dependence.
Here is a list of things that can fall into an unhealthy pattern: drugs, alcohol, pornography, workaholic, validation and escape, busyness- overbooked schedule, social media, exercise, books, movies and television, streaming platforms- Netflix, Prime, control, etc…. All of these can be tied back to what we all long for- to connect in distress.
Connect Point: Consider the list we mentioned and ask yourself is there is anything that you are overusing, abusing or even dependent on. Step one is identify your own thing. Step two, if you can, bring it to your partner.
For more information about The Real Imhoffs, check out www.therealimhoffs.com
Episode 1: Comfort and Coping Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- Where do I go when it hurts? We hesitated on titling this series “Addiction” because people have so many different ideas and experiences around ‘addiction’ that it isn’t an easy word. So, we’ll start with the definition.
Even if you don’t have what you would call an ‘addiction’, it is worth it to consider what you go to for comfort. You might not be an addict of anything, but what might be getting in the way of you connecting with your partner in areas of pain and insecurity?
Addiction- anything we’ve turned to (substance or behavior) that we’ve used to cope with the world to provide comfort or relief from the stress of everyday life. Can you identify that you even use ‘it’ for comfort?
Minutes 5-10:
Generally, people don’t start by saying, ‘I’m going to become an addict.’ All of these vices start small and with the longing to meet a need. Addiction definition- pattern of behavior or a substance (something you are doing or turning to), that at some point provided comfort, but then got to a point where it was no longer beneficial.
Angela gives the example of taking Advil and Sleep Aid to help her sleep a few times, but then it turned into more frequency. Then it became something she couldn’t sleep without. The beginning plan wasn’t that she was going to go to having to take something indefinitely to help her sleep.
Can you start to think about… If it’s a hard day, what you turn to for relief or comfort? Can you consider what you might be using to help you cope or meet a need that is a response to pain? A good indicator that something might be shifting into an unhealthy place is that you have shifted from a place where it was helping, but now you can’t get by without it.
Minutes 10-15:
Nobody starts out with the hope to become dependent on a substance. Nobody starts with the most excessive use of a behavior or substance. Everyone starts with… mild or moderate use to help comfort or relieve pain or a problem. We hardwire into our brains that the temporary fix is now the thing that meets the need and we lose sight of what the need was.
The struggles you are in make sense and we aren’t trying to give anyone a hard time for the fact that you found a coping strategy, and that the thing you found is now hurting you. We have to back up for a minute and try to identify what I go to for comfort.
The very basic thing a baby does is to call out (cry) as a way to get responded to. Somewhere along the way, we learn what we can ask for comfort for and what might not get responded to and we have to find our own ways to get comfort. We’ve learned patterns of pain responses.
Minutes 15-20:
We are a culture that tries to live comfortably. Comfort is something we build into our lives. When there is pain or discomfort, our adaptive strategy is to find something to ease the discomfort. Where do I go (what do I turn to) when it’s too much? Too much pain. Too much anxiety.
We are a consumptive culture and we are continually exposed to the idea that we should be comfortable. We are disconnected from each other and from connection and we are using lots of things to comfort the void we feel in disconnection.
Connect Point: Ask yourself, when I feel overwhelmed (when life has been too much), what do I turn to for comfort? Try to consider what you go to outside of your relationship. Identify when I need comfort and what is the thing I tend to turn to for the comfort I long for?
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers Episode 10: Why This Is So Hard
First 5 minutes: Wrapping up this series and tying all the pieces together. Getting both sides, the Pursuers and the Withdrawers to recognize they both get hijacked by a deeper thing that is at play. Quick recap of TEMP. This acrostic created by EFT Therapist George Faller describes the Appraisal Theory, which is how our body processes emotion. TEMP is- TRIGGER is something I notice that sends my body a message that our connection is being threatened. Then I feel an EMOTION that picks up the threat and tells my body there is something wrong “uh-oh”. My body sends the signal to my brain where I start to assign MEANING to what I am seeing and feeling. And then I do a cued response that is my PROTECTIVE Strategy that is the thing my body feels will keep me and/or our relationship safe.
All of these responsive behaviors are based on our attachment to each other which is learned based on our attachment strategies from our past experiences.
Minutes 5-10: The strategies that our bodies naturally do when we get a threat message that our connection is at risk- were learned from our development. Over time, we learned these strategies as our way to maintain connection. We all need connection to survive- we are ‘pack animals’ and rely on each other for safety and connection. If something happens within us that we pick up as a possible cue that we could get rejected or abandoned, then our connection is being threatened and we do the thing we’ve learned will keep us connected.
Mis-messages from our culture when we hear ‘you don’t need anyone’. This is false. We all need connection. We see this in our 12-step programs that are linear and send the message that they need to get healing ‘on their own’. What a person does when they can’t get connection within their system, is they go and find connection in another system that is more safe then the one they had to leave or where they were not finding.
Minutes 10-15: We all long for acceptance and to be seen. We need to be able to find connection in our hardest and darkest places where we don’t really like ourselves. It is vital for us to connect. In isolation, all the bad feelings grow- anxiety, depression, etc… we are not meant to be alone with our experiences. We are designed to share experiences.
Internally we long for acceptance and for someone to be present with us. Brene Brown says, rarely does a response solve the problem. Connection and presence is what we need in distress. We want couples to be able to access our deeper feelings and our deeper fears. Often for a Withdrawer it’s that they will be found flawed and rejected. Often for Pursuers its, that they are inadequate and that cues a lot of emotion, and if they are too much they will be left. Sue Johnson- co-founder of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) asks, “What is your catastrophic fear?”
Minutes 15-20: The whole reason we have Pursers and Withdrawers is because that’s how we learned to cope. This is why it’s so important that we learn how to get clear about what is hurting so we can tell our partners that we need them in these places where we feel insecure. We can’t let our partners in to the places we haven’t taken the time to consider.
Acceptance of ourselves cannot ever make us feel secure. We need acceptance from others- specifically our partners, in order to feel secure. This is so hard because everything in our lives tells us NOT to bring these negative and hard things forward. We all long to be accepted in the hard places. Broken and Loved. It’s what we need. Isolation doesn’t allow us to get the feedback we need to know if we are doing ok.
Minutes 20-25: We need others. If we don’t acknowledge our need for others, we miss the very thing, the only thing that can bring us the security we long for. It’s not only about stopping the cycle, it is more about being able to bring our fears and longing forward and for our partner to respond with acceptance in the places where we are afraid.
Connect Point: Broken and Loved. If you haven’t ever identified TEMP (Trigger, Emotion, Meaning and Protective Action), start with that. But once you have identified your process, we want you to try to discuss your deeper “catastrophic fear”. Can you identify what you are ultimate afraid of if everything goes wrong, and can you share it with your partner. Partners, only say, ‘Thank you for sharing’.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers Episode 9: What Withdrawers Can Do
First 5 minutes: What do Pursuers need in distress? First- we are making an assumption that we are already de-escalated. De-escalated couples don’t get into as intense of fights and that we can do a repair when there is a disconnection. Both sides are engaged and working toward connection.
Pursuers will need to slow down their own process to the point of being able to identify what they need in those distressing moments, and then also be able to articulate to their partners what those needs are.
Minutes 5-10: It’s easier for a withdrawer to come alongside their pursuer when the withdrawer is not the ‘problem’- the example given was distress caused by an external factor. Withdrawers who are ‘causing’ the distress or adding to the distress, can get blamed and then can get defensive. It makes it harder.
If you can ‘dodge the bullet’ and instead of believing you are being attached, start to see your Pursuer in distress who needs your help- you can shift the interaction. “I know I’ve let you down, and I am sorry I have, I am here with you and I want to understand.”
Minutes 10-15: If slows the cycle down enough for the Pursuer to actual, consider what might be going on underneath the surface energy. We’re not asking Withdrawers to lie or to own something that isn’t accurate. To capitulate doesn’t really help or create connection.
If withdrawers can “disconnect from the accusation” and instead acknowledge your partner’s distress. Let the Pursuer know that you really want to understand what is happening emotionally. It is really hard for a Pursuer to take in the offer of understanding because this is a new move.
Minutes 15-20: It’s hard not to shift how we interact with others once we learn these new moves. With our daughter Avery, when she is distressed, we respond in a different way now. Pursuers can be fighting so hard to be heard that the content gets lost. For a withdrawer to stay and try to hear is already better then when they are left alone feeling unheard.
When a withdrawer stays, a Pursuer feels like they are worth the risk. It is hard for a Pursuer to start to accept that they might be using control or systems or managing their partner in order to actually help them feel better internally (to manage internal anxiety).
Minutes 20-25: If a Pursuers fear is that they will be abandoned for being ‘too much’- it is hard for them to talk about the energy that we feel might be too much. Pursuers are carrying a lot of responsibility in their efforts to make everything better. But then their heart gets missed. Pursuers feel they are unlovable when everything is falling apart, therefore they spend a lot of energy holding it all together for themselves and for others.
Connect Point: Withdrawers consider, of the things we’ve brought up in this episode, what could I do that might be a different move for my Pursuer and then share it. Pursuers, consider what your Withdrawers is saying they might be able to do and consider how you might be able to take it in or what you might need.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Episode 8: What Pursuers Can Do
First 5 minutes: There is an order to growth. First, you have to be aware something is happening. Then you have to be able to recognize that you and your partner both ‘do’ things in the distress and identify what your trends are. After awareness around those things is present, you start to have an opportunity to slow the process down and adjust your moves. In these next 2 episodes we want to break down a pro-active move around supporting and comforting your partner in their distress. 2 things have to be present for this to work; 1. Your partner has to be able to let you in on what they need and 2. You have to be de-escalated enough that you can set your own immediate distress aside so you can comfort your partner.
Minutes 5-10: Have you ever noticed that your partner’s move is actually making the situation worse? Angela noticed that Chad was doing something that increased her distress and in that moment realized that she does that to Chad often- make is worse not better. As Pursers, we often want to coach or fix or solve the problem of the withdrawer, but sadly, in the cycle, doing that only confirms their worst fear- that they are inadequate or don’t have the answers. Showing up for our Withdrawers actually means listening, validating and asking them what they need from us- instead of us offering what we think they need.
It is counterintuitive to not solve a problem that is presented. Pursuers have to be intentional about setting that urge aside and instead appreciate that our Withdrawers are letting us in to their process.
Minutes 10-15: Often the ‘answer’ to the problem isn’t an answer at all- it’s being present that makes an impact. A withdrawer’s fears are around failure and getting in wrong, and because they didn’t have the right answer they will be rejected. So even if the Pursuer solves the immediate problem, what is also does is confirm the lack the withdrawer has for not having the answer and it will possibly cause them to withdrawer those inadequate feelings even more.
Pursuers do better if they come alongside their Withdrawers and still accept them and appreciate them while they are still in the process. Pursuers have to be aware of what happens for us when we feel helpless or feel like things are slipping into an ambiguous place. Withdrawers have to be willing to let their Pursuers be in this process also. These are new moves for BOTH sides.
Minutes 15-20: All of this growth starts with awareness and at each new level, there needs to be a new awareness. Once you get to a place where you are de-escalated as an individual, and de-escalated as a pursuer, then, can you now start to consider what would comfort and support you in distress and then share that with your partner so they can consider what it would look like to provide it.
If Pursuers can show up like a teammate in their partner’s process and not like the coach, it will naturally shift the withdrawer’s guard and the probability they will let us come alongside them is higher. All of these responses happen fast and take practice and grace as we learn them.
Minutes 20-25: Withdrawers might be hesitant to ask for help because of their experience of being criticized when they do. Our goal as a pursuer is to adjust what they have typically gotten and make it safe for them to not have all the answers. Asking for help for a withdrawer is almost like admitting failure, and they need to know that they are stilled loved and accepted in those places. Pursuers can work on acknowledge the effort instead of criticizing the behaviors.
Connect Point: Withdrawers, can you consider what your Pursuer can do to support or comfort you in your time of distress or in the not knowing? And Pursers, can you consider what it would look like to try and do what your partner is asking?
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers Episode 7: De-Escalated Withdrawers
First 5 minutes: Escalation for a withdrawer doesn’t mean heighten energy and big emotion. What escalation means is that the strategies (of both sides) are in full play. An escalated Withdrawer is one who is really avoidant and disengaged. So an ‘de-escalated’ withdrawer is a little bit more engaged and aware of what is going on in the cycle. When a withdrawer can start to see how their humor or placating or avoidance affects their pursuer, they are less escalated then when the strategy hijacks them outside of their awareness.
Small little moves make a big difference. If a withdrawer can start to ask themselves, “what do I feel in these moments when I am drawn to go away”, you’ll start to put words to the process.
Minutes 5-10: “I don’t know what to do, but I am learning that to stay is better for you.” Leaving is often how withdrawers regulate what feels like it’s getting out of control, but the pursuer often feels left alone in the chaos. This move is counterintuitive because staying could make the interaction feel escalated, when in reality, it’s a more conning move.
Staying in the room or staying in the interaction gives the best chance at co-regulation. Pumping the breaks on the cycle for a withdrawer is to try to hang in there in what feels like a hard conversation with your partner.
Minutes 10-15: A de-escalated withdrawer can have an awareness of the process and then also stay in the room. They must first re-engage themselves, and then once they have more awareness, they bring that awareness into the relationship.
An engaged withdrawer can also bring their own distress to their partner. They can (make attempts to) bring their experience to their partner in order to get a response. Pursers then need to be able to: Listen, empathize and be with it, not coach it or fix it etc…. A de-escalated couple can keep the focus on the presenting distress (partner won’t feel the need to hijack the conversation with their response).
Minutes 15-20: Failure is what withdrawers are trying to avoid, and staying in the room feels risky, yet, if you never try there is no way to be seen in the lonely, hard, distress. The ‘new move’ is to slow down and try something different… to try NOT to leave the partner in their distress and chaos.
The time it takes is a process. First you’ll be able to do a repair after the fight. You won’t be able to do all these moves right away. There will be little adjustments to the engagement. Once you get some reps on the repair, you’ll have a better chance at slowing down in the moment. There will be a risk. But there will also be a reward.
Minutes 20-25: These moves will feel less awkward over time when you get used to them. The goal isn’t to make a withdrawer to become a pursuer or stop being a withdrawer, we’ll only shooting for a little more engagement.
Connect Point: If the withdrawer were to try a new move, what would that feel like for the purser. Can you discuss how you think it would play out if your cycle was shifted by a new strategy brought forward by the withdrawer.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers
Episode 6: De-Escalated Pursuers
First 5 minutes: Escalation happens quickly and sends us into a cycle that puts both partners into their strategies. How do we know when we are able to remain de-escalated in our cycle? De-Escalation doesn’t mean we don’t fight. It means withdrawers are more engaged and pursuers can have more awareness around what is happening for them internally. Pursuers often feel hijacked by their emotion- so quickly that its often hard to stop. When we review a Rocky Moment- can we recognize the part we played in what went wrong.
Minutes 5-10: Healthier behaviors for a Pursuers looks like an ability to recognize what is happening inside of them emotionally during their interactions. If the focus is still on the behavior of others, the goal is to shift that focus internally into what the behavior of the other person is or is not making them feel. Could be anxious or frustrated or sadness or chaos, any emotional recognition is more aware then none.
A half step to understanding internal cues could be, ‘something is going on and I can feel it, but I don’t know what it is.” De-escalation means that you can slow your cycle down a bit and understand the other things that are at play- in TEMP, the emotion and the meaning parts.
Minutes 10-15: A pursuer can tell their withdrawer a body marker. I would look something like- “I can feel the energy in my body ramping up and I need you to help me.” The idea of being escalated or de-escalated is a continuum. It’s not one destination or the other. It’s fluid and you can go back and forth depending on how secure you feel in your connection.
In healthier places, the partner can help the Pursuer deregulate if they are starting to feel anxious or out of control.
Minutes 15-20: De-Escalated Pursuers don’t stop being pursuers. They are just able to slow down some of the “P” Protective Actions- the behaviors. Instead of working on managing the things around them to decrease the chaotic feelings, they can articulate to their partner what they feel and what they feel drawn to do. ‘I feel overwhelmed and I want to manage everyone.”
Slight adjustments can change the interactions from getting into a cycle to understanding each other better. Once you are in a place where you can share what is happening, you can start to create to meaning around your interactions. The goal IS NOT to just calm down or to deregulate. The goal is to connect in distress.
Minutes 20-25: As a pursuer, a recognizable shift in emotional health is to start to see how our strategies in a cycle land on or affect our partner. We are able to return to a fight quicker and even initiate a repair owning or acknowledging the part we played in it and sharing our deeper longing or desire.
Connect Point: Imagine that you, as the Pursuer, is sharing with your partner what is going on internally or emotionally instead of focusing on the withdrawer’s behaviors or lack of behavior. How do you think that would go? If you are the withdrawer, imagine your pursuer coming to you with their internal process versus what you are or are not doing. How do you think you would respond to that? Discuss the possibility of a different interaction.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers Episode 5: The Withdrawer’s Dilemma Show Notes.
First 5 minutes: Withdrawers have a hard time receiving feedback because any feedback lands like criticism. Feedback doesn’t mean ‘opportunity’ for a withdrawer, it means they must have gotten something wrong. Withdrawers are often anticipating that someone is going to tell them they got it wrong, so they are looking for it themselves so they can anticipate where it’s going to come from.
Minutes 5-10: Pursuers often feel like withdrawers get things wrong and withdrawers often feel like withdrawers are getting it wrong. Both strategies tend to blame the withdrawers for what is going wrong. Withdrawers are not trying to set off their pursuers. The message they get is that conflict is bad, and therefore they are trying to avoid it at all costs.
Pursuers tend to have an anxious attachment strategy, while withdrawers tend to have an avoidant attachment strategy. So the internal message of the withdrawer can be, others are better off if I am not around, and I am better off not being around… but then they lose connection. Withdrawers want and need feedback to measure themselves, but feedback is dangerous and often lands like criticism, so they are in a double bind, wanting feedback but being afraid of the message that comes with it.
Minutes 10-15: Withdawers then often find something else to ‘go to’ or validate themselves with because they aren’t getting it from their partner. Drinking, hobbies, isolated options. Example of working on a car in the garage- being in the garage and working on the car re-enforces the message that they probably don’t know how to engage with their family.
Errors or assumption from the pursuers is that their withdrawers aren’t really thinking about the connection they want. They are, but they don’t think they will or even can succeed at it, so they choose lonely over failure.
Humor is a great strategy for a withdrawer to stay engaged but try to stay out of the distress, but when used in conflict, it might backfire.
Minutes 15-20: Unless a person has done some emotional work, most of them, both pursuers and withdrawers, don’t even know that their strategies are hijacking them. The more a withdrawer withdraws, the more likely they are to fail at the thing they are trying to protect- the relationship.
The message the withdrawer strategy often sends is that they don’t ‘need’ connection or their partner, but they do. We all need connection. The pursuers can also see the withdraw as a sign that they aren’t safe to their partner or trusted by their partner.
Minutes 20-25: In distress, when a withdrawer ‘goes along’ with the purser, its’ often seen as capitulating or placating. Withdrawers are not maliciously or intentionally trying to get it wrong. Even secure relationships have to work on their cycle and their process.
Connect Point: Both partners take time to discuss one of the dilemmas withdrawers face that brings up empathy or compassion for the process your withdrawer is going through.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers
Episode 4: The Pursuer's Dilemma Show Notes.
First 5 minutes: Pursuers often feel like their thought process might be too much and therefore are already modifying or holding back some of the energy they have. This episode is designed to bring up empathy for our Pursuers.
Minutes 5-10: The first dilemma we bring up is when we see something that isn’t done the way we thought it should be. Should the pursuer only show gratitude for the effort, or should the pursuer point out what might be wrong with how it was done- which reinforces the message that no one can get it right for them.
Another dilemma is when pursuers are in an interaction and start to feel like the other person isn’t understanding them- the internal process is possibly to go bigger- make it more urgent, use more words, etc… or not saying anything, but feel like that won’t work. If pursuers show more energy to help clarify the interaction, they are seen as too much.
Minutes 10-15: If pursuers don’t ‘take control’ of situations that feel like they are not going well, then they feel compromised- their motivation is to help all situations run the best. Pursuers can often try to use silence- still to get a response from their partners.
If pursuers don’t say anything, their anxiety builds because they feel compelled to bring attention to what is going wrong. But it takes so much energy to both hold back, but then to bring it forward. It’s a catch 22. The intent for why the pursuers fight so hard comes from such a good place in their hearts. Pursuers just want ‘everyone to do their part.’ It’s exhausting and pursuers get burnt out.
Minutes 15-20: Pursuers can get to a sense of hopelessness when they have been doing so much for so long without help or acknowledgement. When we have to ask for, even in a demanding way, for needs to be met, pursuers then feel too needy.
The systems that pursuers have in place for everything to run well, end up running them and everyone else and if the systems start failing, a pursuers anxiety will begin to build.
Pursuers take on so much and even pick up the slack for others, but then the system learns to rely on the pursuer and possibly even just let the pursuer do it all. But then pursuers get no relief.
Minutes 20-25: Pursuers believe (and often withdrawers will agree) that they are working harder and doing more than everyone else. And the real sad part is that pursuers also blame themselves when things start going wrong.
Pursuers are willing to try anything and everything to get the response they need.
Connect Point: Both partners take time to discuss one of the dilemmas pursuers face that brings up empathy or compassion for the process your pursuer is going through.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers Episode 3: “Honoring Withdrawers” Show Notes.
First 5 minutes: Withdrawers have the ability to keep emotion from getting in the way of their task. They have been learning these strategies since their developmental years and life has taught them that it is a benefit to be able to stay calm in chaos.
Withdrawers can maintain the appearance of stoicism on the outside even in the evidence of stress. Withdrawers do research and like to know that the decision they are making is the best one.
Minutes 5-10: The way a withdrawer nurtures a relationship is to be diligent about being accurate. They spend a lot of time thinking through what the best choice or best answer would be. Withdrawers are stoic and pursuers lean on their stability in times of distress.
Withdrawers look into danger or distress and can maintain composure to try and restore things to stable again. Withdrawers have an internal check list that helps them stay focused amidst distraction.
Minutes 10-15: While Pursers like systems- they tend to be external systems that they need others to follow. Withdrawers run on internal systems for themselves to remain stable in all circumstances. Withdrawers are trying really hard NOT to fail, even to the fault of it being methodical.
Withdrawers are pretty self-reliant and we often see their self-reliance as low maintenance, but that also means we can miss their heart. Often if we ‘check in’ on a withdrawer, they can feel like they got it wrong- just because we are drawing attention to their possible need. Withdrawers want to make sure they look ‘ok’ even if they are not.
Minutes 15-20: Withdrawers are like health and safety; they just want to keep everything ‘good enough’. Withdrawers are the pace cars for those around them. While pursuers tend to want to pick up the pace or continually look for ways to improve, withdrawers appreciate it when things are stable and there is nothing on fire.
Minutes 20-25: Withdrawers know how to use humor to lighten the mood or help absorb some of the tension. They know how to ‘de-escalate’ the tension in the room with humor or by distracting or changing the subject. Withdrawers having a willingness to ‘go along’ with the Pursuers plans or systems without much push back, even if they have a more accurate way.
Connect Point: Both partners honor one good thing about the withdrawer in their relationship.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers Episode 2: “Honoring Pursuers” Show Notes.
First 5 minutes: Pursuers are really working hard to stay connected and to help the relationship stay connected. Pursuers are HOPEFULL. They believe that the efforts they are contributing are really going to work! Pursuers are RESOURCEFUL.
They are going to try everything possibly to help the relationship thrive.
Pursers are Resilient and Creative. They have a lot of words and try hard to be clear or are very willing to clarify if you ask them for more understanding. Pursuers will take a risk to share what they are feeling and thinking if they feel there is a chance it will help.
Minutes 5-10: Pursuers notice the problems and call them out with the intent that it will help their partner know what needs to be fixed. Pursers what things to run efficiently so a pursuers body will help them hone out what might slow down efficiency. The motivation of a purser is to do whatever is needed to help the relationship go well. Pursuers manage all the details.
Pursuers are making efforts for connection. They might not always be able to articulate that they ‘need’ their withdrawers, but the deep motivation is to connect. Pursuers discern disconnection and threat because they want to get out ahead of it.
Minutes 10-15: Pursuers not only notice what might be going wrong, they take the risk to bring attention to it so that it can get addressed and the connection can be restored. Pursers are cheerleaders for people around them. The see everyone’s ‘potential’ and want to help them reach it. Pursuers want to share the insight they see about those around them and are pushing for everyone to be their best.
Pursers really are fighting hard for themselves, for their relationship, for their partners, for their families etc…. They are hoping for and seeking out feedback so that they can improve themselves. From books, from others, from a therapist, from a workshop. They are looking to improve themselves as well as those around them.
Connect Point: Both partners honor one good thing about the pursuer in their relationship.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers
Episode 1 Show Notes. We're back from our 6-month hiatus.
First 5 minutes: A deeper dive into both roles in the relationship cycle. Understanding more the Pursuers and the Withdrawers; their motivations, the things we love, the things that are challenging, what the strategies look like in ‘escalation’ and ‘de-escalation’.
How does this content impact your relationship (what growth will look like).
Minutes 5-10: In process- pursuers tend to share as they go and withdrawers tend to want to have it built before they share it. Can (either strategy) recognize their own process and let your partner know about it.
The goal is NOT that you switch roles- that pursuers would become withdrawers or withdrawers would become pursuers. A healthy goal is possibly that pursuers can understand their part and share their internal process more and that Withdrawers can understand their part and let their partner in on it more.
Escalation- when the relationship is under distress and one or both partners feel heightened emotion and strategies are quickly in play. Your body is sending you strategic messages based on how you are reading or assessing the interaction. Messages might be: I’m going to be left (abandoned) as a pursuer, or I’m going to be ‘in trouble’ and I’ll shut down as a withdrawer.
Minutes 10-15: Before understating strategies and attachment (or EARLY into your understanding of the Pursuer and Withdrawer strategies) ... you know you and your partner don’t ‘communicate’ affectively and you get into fights that don’t feel resolved. Pursuers have a tendency to increase energy and can blame their partner. Withdrawers have a tendency to shut down and often take the blame on themselves.
Couples who ‘don’t fight’ aren’t necessarily de-escalated. Not fighting might be a strategy that reduces conflict, but doesn’t always make us feel securely connected, or seen and heard.
De-escalation. Does NOT mean you will not fight. It means we can understand more what is happening, repair more, and are able to ask for our needs to get met in a way that our partner understands.
Statistic- couples often stay in distress for up to 7 years before asking for help from a therapist.
Once you get help, how can you tell if the help is making a difference. What will it look like when a couple is in a more secure place that is less escalated and more aware.
Minutes 15-end: If you can have a conversation with your partner about what your emotional experience is (instead of discussing the content or jumping to strategy), it really starts to shift your relationship.
Growth that happens- now that I have awareness, there is a better chance for a good repair. My growth is reflected by my ability to return to a fight with the part I played and what my experience was (self-focused on own behavior and own motivations versus partners).
Connect Point: First identify (or remind yourself and your partner) what strategy you lean to in distress. Are you a Pursuer or a Withdrawer? Then, identify one or two of the moves you most likely go to and share YOUR typical moves with your partner. Let your partner share their own moves with you.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
A few set backs have delayed the release of the new series, but Chad and Angela are getting back on track. While they are recording the upcoming series on Withdrawers and Pursuers, you can check out their series from last year on being SICK AT HOME or their HOLIDAY series where they walk you through how to stay connected through the craziness that the holiday season brings. Check them out and for more information about the Imhoffs, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
New Podcast Series coming soon on Withdrawers and Pursuers. Plus a few specific topics like- Grief and Addiction. Look for those mid October.
Also- Connecting Couples Marriage Workshop October 15th & 16th, 2021. Email angela@thejoshusacenter.com for details (Hybrid Workshop offers both In Person and Online Options to Attend).
For more information about Chad and Angela, go to: www.therealimhoffs.com
Before wrapping this series up, Chad and Angela get really practical about a vital part of staying connected, and that is doing forgiveness work often. Its easy to say that we should not harbor offense against our partner, but when they have and sometimes continue to offend us, its easier said than done. Chad and Angela give you tangible examples of how they offend each other on a daily basis, and then show you the work they do to repair and keep their attachment secured. This is the 'work' of relationship, and without it, it is easy to get to a place where you start to believe negative things about the character of your partner. Do the work with them in this episode!
To read more about The Real Imhoffs, check out: www.therealimhoffs.com
With just a few more episodes in this series, Chad and Angela reiterate how hard this process is. The patterns and strategies we have been leaning on for years don't just go away because we are listing to new ideas. Adapting our responses and learning how to bring a vulnerable feeling forward is a process that takes time and repetition to get good at. In this episode, the Real Imhoffs remind us that THIS IS HARD. These moves are hard. Adjusting is hard. Stopping cycles in the moment is hard. It is all hard to do... but it IS possible, which is why they encourage you to keep doing the work. In this Connect Point they have your remind your partner that you are committed to this relationship and committed to trying new things. Check it out. For more information about Chad and Angela, check out: www.therealimhoffs.com
Once we have our partner's attention, how do we let them know what we need from them to support us in our experience? This process is layered. First, you have to know what is going on. Then, you have to be able to articulate it to your partner. Also, you partner has to be in a position to hear it and engaged enough to be able to respond. Finally, it would help you and your partner if you both knew what you needed from them in that moment, but how? Most of us were never given the instructions of this process and never really saw it modeled. Join Chad and Angela as they break it down, give examples, set up your conversation and share their experience showing up for one another. Check it out.
For more information about The Real Imhoffs go their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Continuing their series on things they wish they had known earlier, Chad and Angela put into application the idea from the previous episode; A.R.E. Now that you have had the conversation about being accessible, responsive and engaged, you and your partner have created the safety you need to share painful things vulnerably and have some assurance that you will be responded to. As a diving off point for their connect point, they encourage you to watch and consider Dr. Edward Tronick's 'Still Face Experiment' (watch at this link https://youtu.be/apzXGEbZht0), and then consider a time when you needed a response but didn't get one. They share an example from their own relationship, then encourage you to do the same. Check it out. For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
In last week's episode we discussed T.E.M.P., a great way to identify what is happening for you internally. In this week's episode we take that awareness and pass it over to our partner. A secure relationship requires not only an individual awareness of what is happening for us, but then also the ability to include our partner in our process so they can support us and respond to us in what we are experiencing. Join Chad and Angela in this episode of their series 'What We Wish We Knew' as they discuss, share examples and then cue up a conversation for you to start talking about a shared experience. For more information about The Real Imhoffs, check out: www.therealimhoffs.com
The Real Imhoffs keep this series of What We Wish We Knew going with this internal dive into self awareness. If we back up before cycles and before Pursuer and Withdrawer roles and even before we met our partner, we already had a process of emotion going. Things in life 'triggered' us, which caused us to feel something internally, that we then assigned meaning to, which we learned to respond to with a specific behavior... this is the process of emotion. An important component of having an emotionally healthy marriage is first being able to identify and then articulate YOUR own personal emotional process. Take an internal dive with Chad and Angela as they explain how this works and give examples from their own experience.
To learn more about the Imhoffs, go to their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
The series continues on things that it would have been good to know earlier in your marriage relationship, but no time like the present to bring a new awareness to some old habits. Whether you pursue conflict or give it some space, chances are you learned that strategy long before you met your partner and then made adjustments along the way to protect yourself and the relationship. Join Chad and Angela as they ask you to consider where you got those original strategies from and how they might still be influencing the interactions you have with your partner. For more information about Chad and Angela, check out: www.therealimhoffs.com
Continuing in this series about 'What We Wish We Knew', Chad and Angela discuss the influence our families of origin had on shaping our level of comfort and awareness around topics like money, politics, sex and even being able to do a repair or ask your partner for forgiveness. We learned how to or how not to talk about important topics that still shape some of the conversations we are willing to engage in our marriage relationship. Listen as the Real Imhoffs share their own insight on these topics and then cue up a conversation for you and your partner to have around your own experience.
To email or learn about about Chad and Angela, check out: www.therealimhoffs.com
Chad and Angela continue their talk about in-laws in this episode, drawing out a few outliers from the previous segment. While it IS important that you are the one who talks to your own family of origin if something needs to be addressed, there are some cases where your partner might need to be the one making that connection. Listen as the Real Imhoffs get real about a few things they've had to navigate from their own experience and then connect with your partner about how things are going with your in-laws. For more info or to let us know how you like your steak cooked, check out www.therealimhoffs.com
(During this episode, Angela's mic dropped out a few times. We recovered the sound, but it's slightly distorted. We apologize for that- this is not our usual quality of sound).
Continuing in our series on What We Wish We Knew, the Imhoffs tackle the fun topic of In-Laws this week. Regardless if your in-laws are great or challenging, it is important that your alliance with your partner is your priority when it comes to in-law relationships. Listen as Chad and Angela share how they learned this the hard way, plus give a few tips on how to make sure your immediate family is responded to and heard. Check it out.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out: www.therealimhoffs.com
Just finishing up with the new material the Imhoffs wrote for engaged couples, they realized there were so many things "They Wished They Had Known" before getting married that would have helped them navigate content and conflict with a little less difficulty. Which is why the are spinning off this series to let married couples connect over insight they maybe should have discussed before... it's never to late to tackle content that will help your relationship go more smoothly, from vacations to free time to spending money to raising a family, how has your family of origin influenced you and what is still impacting your interaction. Check out this new series "What We Wish We Knew".
For more information about the Imhoffs go to: www.therealimhoffs.com
Wrapping up their first full year, the Imhoffs revisit some key points from previous episodes and share the importance of taking care of each other. During a long season of isolation, unpredictability and change, it's important to check in with yourself to assess what you need. It's equally important to share those needs with your partner so they can help you get those needs met. Could be exercise, or healthy food, or rest or laughter. Only you know what brings joy to your soul.
Chad and Angela use feedback from listeners to help inform future topics. If there is a discussion you are having with your partner that you would like them to talk about, please connect with the Imhoffs by leaving a comment or emailing in from their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Underneath the content of our fights there is a narrative. A story we tell ourselves; about ourselves, about our partner and about our relationship. When we are in a negative cycle, those stories tend to not only be the most negative view you can hold, but also tend to be about identity and security. "I am bad." "My partner is bad." "Our relationship is bad." A healthy goal to work toward in building a secure relationship is to be able to understand and then articulate what those stories are and instead of holding those view alone in our thoughts, sharing those views with or partner so they can help us build a healthy and more honest narrative. Listen to Chad and Angela share how these negative views keep us stuck and also how to start having conversations about those places.
To share ideas, ask questions or connect with the Imhoffs, check out www.therealimhoffs.com
This episode marks the first full year the Connecting Couples Podcast. The Imhoffs celebrate a little and then look back over the year at some of the series they have done and highlight some key points. In this episode they go back to the cycle and why the goal of not getting into cycles in unrealistic. As usual, they share from their own experience and then cue up a conversation for you to have with your partner about recovering from those hard places quicker and staying in those hard places for a shorter amount of time. Check it out.
If you have a question, comment or topic you'd like us to respond to, please comment or contact us through our website: www.therealimhoffs.com
In this special episode, Chad and Angela respond to a listener who wrote in asking about finding a partner and then learning the same language. Dating again after a failed relationship can feel impossible, especially when our body is trying to make sure we don't get hurt again. The Imhoffs share their own experience about finding a partner after divorce, and the step they took to make sure the relationship had the right elements needed to succeed. Check it out and learn more about Chad and Angela at www.therealimhoffs.com
In this episode, Chad and Angela warp up this series by encouraging you to consider the mindset you had when you were dating your spouse. Can you remember the effort you made to impress your partner? Can you remember the things you did to let your partner know you were interested in being together. Sometimes life and comfort shift our effort and we can forget to do the important things that help build security and belonging. Check out this episode and for more information about The Imhoffs, go to: www.therealimhoffs.com
Withdrawers are stoic, steady, and maintain composure in the face of chaos and conflict. It's why we love them. Withdrawers also don't want to get it wrong and therefor can find themselves in a place feeling like no move is the best move. In this series, the RealImhoffs encourage you to keep going on dates... even more, to consider what it was like when you started dated and how to possibly bring back some of the good things that were lost. In this episode we discuss the fade that happens for withdrawers. During dating, they may have even pursued a bit, but over time something shifts and the pursuers can find themselves making all the plans and resenting their withdrawers in the process. Listen to this episode and shift the conversation from... "Why don't we go on dates anymore?" to "How do you want this weekend's date to go?" Check it out and to read more about Chad and Angela go to: www.therealimhoffs.com
Pursuers have energy and charisma. They plan great events and keep things on track. Some of the unpleasant things pursuers are known for are the very things that usually attracted their partners in a different context. But over time- with the fade they discussed in Episode 1- it can start to look like pursuers are just mad all the time or only ever pointing out what is not right. In this episode, Chad and Angela discuss the shift in relationships that both partners feel when it comes to pursuers, and also how to get back some of that fun energy you both like. You can often start by acknowledging how hard pursuers are working for everything to go well and for everyone to have a great experience. The world wouldn't be as good without all you amazing pursuers! So thanks for what you bring to the table. Check out this episode to listen to what it can feel like to be a pursuer.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Do you ever consider the amount of effort that you and your partner put into impressing each other when you were dating. The curiosity. The intentionality. The communication that went it to the next time you would see each other. While it is great the there is a level of acceptance and comfort that comes when you are married, we can often forget to make an effort for our partners. In this new series, Chad and Angela discuss the fade that can happen in our relationships when we stop dating each other. They cue up a conversation that will remind you how it all started. Check in out.
For more information about the Imhoffs go to their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
In this final episode of their mini-series on speaking The Same Language, The Imhoffs help you apply the tools from the previous episode and also set your partner up to respond well when you finally open up. Let's face it, it's not only about being able to be vulnerable, it's also about that risk being responded to in a way that helps to build, not disconnect, your security. Chad and Angela give you wording around a great response and set up a conversation for you and your partner to have about what you might need in some of the tougher places. Check in out.
To contact or read more about Chad and Angela, go to: www.therealimhoffs.com
Have you ever tried to explain something to your partner, but they just don't understand? What if you could both speak the same language? In this episode, Chad and Angela give you practical tools around how to articulate your experience to your partner in a way that will be understood. First, Chad breaks down his acrostic PERMS about how you are feeling- Physically, Emotionally, Relationally, Mentally and Spiritually, then Angela discusses how to rate your emotion or feeling on a scale of 0-10 so that your partner will understand precisely the level of urgency needed in the response. Possibly one of their most practical podcast episodes... you won't want to miss it.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out: www.therealimhoffs.com
Have you ever felt that you were clearly communicating yet your partner just wasn't understanding? It happens in all relationships. No matter how clear you try to articulate, sometimes the words just don't mean the same thing. In this new mini-series, Chad and Angela normalize the very common practice of misunderstanding. They not only give you examples to relate to, but they also set up the conversation for you and your partner to have about finding more clarity in the areas where you've misunderstood. Check it out.
For more information about the Imhoffs, go to: www.therealimhoffs.com
There are clearly things that can be done to schedule, planning holidays, vacations, having budget talks, keeping a family night, going on dates... but underneath all of the events that are calendar worthy, there needs to be a secure foundation. In this final episode of their Marriage Maintenance series, Chad and Angela discuss the importance of having an understanding about some of the fundamental things. The values and principles that make the two of you who you are as a couple and as a family. They'll share practical ideas to safeguard the relationship that means the most to you. Check it out.
To contact them or read more about Chad and Angela, go to: www.therealimhoffs.com
Its the small things we do on a daily basis that can really have an impact on how our connection feels. In this episode of their maintenance series, Chad and Angela discuss things you can do each and every day that will help you stay more in tune and in touch with your partner. From being intentional about exits and entries, to including rituals like praying or calling when you are on the way home, listen as Chad and Angela give some of the most practical and tangible ideas around making daily investments to your connection.
Daily Bread Prayers Both Partners develop a short but crucial habit of praying 3 things every day
Step 1 is OUT LOUD- Each spouse takes a turn. 1. Together- pray protection for each other and the marriage. Every day. • This can be a serious time with intentional focus, or it can be short and mechanical (check the box for the day). • In most marriages there should be some of both. The marriage itself is something that should be prayed for by both parties every day ‘God protect my (husband/wife’s) heart and mind, and protect our marriage…’ AMEN
Step 2 and 3 are alone and don’t have to be out loud- On your own time. 2. Forgiveness- In the form of a prayer, speak forgiveness over your spouse. Every day. • This should be done during times of struggle and times of success. • If applicable, speak details of a specific offense, if not it serves as a daily re-commitment to maintaining a posture of grace toward your spouse. “I choose to forgive _____ today for letting me down, disrespecting me, etc… 3. Blessings- Pray blessings for each other about specific spiritual things. Every day. • This intercession – by its truest definition is to stand in the gap for your spouse. • Praying over their weaknesses/insecurities and struggles. • This also emphasizes the importance of each spouse letting the other party know about their current spiritual condition so it can be prayed for (text, phone calls, emails…)
(Ryan Rana, Ph.D, LPC, Marriage and Family Therapist)
Monday hits and it's already Friday. The weeks come quick and are filled with lots of opportunities to connect that we often miss. In this episode of their Marriage Maintenance series, Chad and Angela discuss the intentional ways we can connect in the midst of the business. From weekly rituals like a special night out to eat to the anticipation of connecting physically throughout the week, join them as they give cue up a conversation you and your partner can have about making your weekly run more efficiently.
For more about Chad and Angela, check out www.therealimhoffs.com
In this episode of the Marriage Maintenance Series, Chad and Angela share the practical and necessary conversations to connect with your partner on a regular basis. Maybe its a monthly date night or sitting down with the calendar to see what this quarter holds. Either way, without these conversations events can sneak up on a couple and get them into a negative cycle. The Real Imhoffs cue up the conversation for you and your partner to have that will help these events go more smoothly.
For more information about Chad and Angela, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
How do you and your partner ensure that yearly events in your relationship go as smoothly as possible? From the fun things, like your wedding anniversary or birthdays, the boring things, like taxes and planning, and even the sometimes hard things like life events you grieve each year or places where your negative cycle shows up around annual events. In this second episode of the Marriage Maintenance Series, Chad and Angela give examples of the importance of conversations around yearly things and cue up a topic for you and your partner to discuss.
For more information about Chad and Angela, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
The Real Imhoffs shift gears a little in this series to cue up conversations that are preventative in nature. Just like a vehicle needs proactive care, like oil changes and tune up, marriages that take the time to 'tune up' have the best chance at running the most efficiently and connected. Join Chad and Angela in this first episode of the Marriage Maintenance Series as they share a few examples from their own relationships and also encourage you to have a conversation with your partner where together you assess areas you already do well and areas you'd like to give attention to.
For more information or to contact them, check out: www.therealimhoffs.com
When you get sick, can you let your partner know what you need or how you prefer to be cared for? When your partner gets sick, do you feel you have a good idea of how to the best caregiver? In this final episode of their series "Sick At Home", the Imhoffs cue up a conversation about sharing how you feel and what you need in times of sickness. Being sick or having a sick partner creates enough distress on its own, trying to have the conversations then can often be trying, but talking about them ahead of time and making a plan give you a chance to have less conflict when sickness happens. Check it out.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out www.therealimhoffs.com
Sometimes the best way to know how you will responds is to review how you have responded. In this episode of their "Sick At Home" series, Chad and Angela encourage a conversation about how you and your partner have typically responded to each other when one of you gets sick. Has it been a good experience, or is their room for improvement, not only on the part of the caregiver to show empathy and show up for the sick partner, but also for the sick partner to share what their needs are? Check out this discussion about "Tendencies While Sick."
For more information about the Imhoffs, go to their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
In this episode of their series about being 'Sick At Home', Chad and Angela cue up the conversation for couples to talk about where they learned how to be sick. Sounds weird, but the reality is that we all learned patterns from our family of origin about not only being sick, but also how to respond when those around us are sick. Can you remember a time in your childhood when you or someone in your family got sick? How did it go? Where you a good patient? Were they a good responder? Maybe you got messages that it is better to power through and not be over imposing, or maybe you had a mom made the best chicken noodle soup and comforted your soul the whole time. The point is, can you talk about how those memories influenced how you and your spouse now respond when one of you is "Sick At Home"? Check it out.
For more information about the Imhoffs, check out www.therealimhoffs.com
In this new series Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife Angela discuss how the interactions between couples play out when one partner gets sick. In this first episode Chad shares his process of getting a positive COVID test and encourages couples to have an important conversation about how to respond if one of you gets it. They encourage discussing what the logistics will be, like how you quarantine and how do you get groceries and who do you tell... and also- in true "Connecting Couples'" fashion, they encourage you to have a conversation about your emotional needs as well. If you have fear or anxiety or other heavier emotions- it can be tricky to bring up when you are already not feeling well. The Real Imhoffs set you up to have a real conversation about COVID and make sure you ask the right questions. Check it out.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out www.therealimhoffs.com
This is the final installment of their series that has taken a look back at The Beginning of the journey for Chad and Angela as they experienced learning about emotion. In this episode, the Imhoffs check in with you about how all this stuff is landing for you, and also lay out a clear structure of how to get the most out of these podcasts. They even explain here their website name "The Real Imhoffs" came from. Check it out.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out www.therealimhoffs.com
Headed in to week 3 of The Beginning- the Imhoffs explain their first experiences with EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy). This week we hear Angela share her side of their journey through understanding emotions in a new way. Unlike Chad's initially cognitive approach, Angela was hit pretty early on with the realization that emotions were not something she understood. Check out Angela's perspective as a 'feeler' and pretty assertive pursuer as she discovers the part her emotions had been playing in her life.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out: www.therealimhoffs.com
In this second episode of their dive back into their first experiences with EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), the Imhoffs dive into Chad's side of their journey to understanding emotions. His initially cognitive approach let him to a place of change not only as a therapist, but also as a husband and individual. Check out this perspective of a new emotional experience from a 'heady-withdrawer".
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out: www.therealimhoffs.com
Rewinding a little bit in their journey, Chad and Angela discuss the beginning of their exposure to EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) and their first impressions on their experience learning it. Going from a place where emotions ran in the background to now understanding the importance of emotion hits everyone differently. Listen as Chad and Angela discuss their two very different responses and how they ended up doing a podcast about it.
For more information about the Imhoffs check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
In this final episode of the Holiday Series (and final episode of the year), Chad and Angela discuss some practical things to consider for planning ahead with your partner. Grab a calendar and your partner and sit down to talk about what you want your year to look at- and don't be surprised if you have to do a few repairs along the way. Check it out.
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out: www.therealimhoffs.com
Continuing on from the last episode in this holiday series, Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife, Angela, now turn the attention toward being mindful of what your partner needs during the holiday season. Listen as they discuss practical ways to consider your partner's hopes around travel, gift giving and even intimacy during the the hubbub of festivities.
For more about the Imhoffs check out their website at www.therealimhoffs.com
The Holiday Season comes with speed and chaos and it's easy to lose sight of ourselves in all the commotion. In this episode of their Holiday Series, Chad and Angela discuss how much intention it takes to stay tuned in to ourselves and know when we may need to ask for help or include our partner in our process. Check it out. For more information about the Imhoffs, check out www.therealimhoffs.com
The holiday season can bring enough stress with all the hustle and bustle of travel, gift buying, and family of origin issues, but for some couples their are unavoidable complications that also have to be navigated. Grief, loss, blended family, unhealthy interactions with in-laws or ex's that make the joyful season anything but jolly. In this episode of their focus on staying connected through the holidays, Chad and Angela discuss Holiday Complications and offer ways to have connecting conversations. Check it out. For more information about the Imhoffs, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
The Holidays are in full swing and couples are already feeling the pressures that exist from our families of origin. In this episode of their Holiday series, Chad and Angela discuss the unwritten family rules that often keep us from having a connected holiday. Listen as we unpack a few of our own family rules and then take the time to connect with your partner about a few of yours. For more information about the Imhoffs check out: www.therealimhoffs.com
With all the hubbub of the holidays we can often miss taking intentional time to make sure we stay connected to our partner. In this special series over the Holiday Season, Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife, Angela, discuss all things holiday. In this first episode they tackle A Holiday Strategy and break down a plan to help you and your partner feel secure and festive from Thanksgiving to New Year's Day!
Check it out and to learn more about the Imhoffs visit their website at www.therealimhoffs.com
Sometimes fights can be repaired easily, other times they are layered and convoluted and take much more insight and empathy to overcome. In this 5th episode of their series on Fights the Imhoffs take on one of their hardest fights. Join them in their discussion around what it takes to be able to repair when both partners are pretty hurt.
To learn more about the Imhoffs check out www.therealimhoffs.com
In this 4th segment of their series on Fights, Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife, Angela, discuss one of their own fights, specifically modeling how withdrawers often give up instead of being seen. They break down the conversation that can lead to a more connected interaction between a couple. Check it out.
For more information about this couple, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Chad and Angela take on a big fight and explain the step by step process couples experiences during conflict. In this third episode of the 'Anatomy of a Fight' series, walk with them through how they fought, how they repaired and how they can now talk about the pieces. To learn more about the Imhoffs or to contact them, check out: www.therealimhoffs.com
In this second episode of the series on Fights, Chad and Angela layout how an interaction breaks down step by step. Listen to them discuss how our bodies take in messages from our partner, then process them, then respond in turn. It happens fast and often feels impossible to slow down... but learning about the process helps. Check it out.
To contact them or learn more about The Imhoffs go to www.therealimhoffs.com
Chad and Angela are back with an all new series breaking down the "Anatomy of a Fight". Join them in the 5 episode journey into the reasons fights are so hard on couples, why they matter so much and how to possibly take a different approach to how we interact with our partner. Check out Episode 1- Why We Fight and hear their candid description of how our bodies often take over in these crucial moments.
To contact Chad and Angela or to read more about their story, go to www.therealimhoffs.com
Now that you have the tools to do a good repair, Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife Angela want to give you one more bit of advise, to be ready if the repair goes wrong. Even with good intentions to fix a fight, we can miss each other, so the Imhoffs discuss ways to be mindful of that and how to make sure you are really considering what is going on for your partner. Check it out.
For more information about the Imhoffs, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
It might take two to tango, but it only takes one person to initiate a good repair for a couple to get back on track. In the last episode we discussed how a Pursuer can make moves for a good repair. In this episode we discuss the part a Withdrawer can play in restoring connection after there's been a fight.
For more information about the Imhoffs, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Knowing the part you played in a fight is one thing, being able to own that part in a repair is another. In this 5th installment of their series on Repairs, Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife Angela discuss the Pursuer's side of a repair and how to make it count. You'll hear them discuss why it's so hard and how to navigate the repair in a way that truly rebuilds the security for a lasting connection.
For more information about the Imhoffs, check out www.therealimhoffs.com
In this 4th episode of their series about a doing a good repair, Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife Angela discuss the opportunity we have to show up for our partner in a vulnerable way in our deepest distress. They discuss the wounds our partners bring to the relationship as important element that we can speak into where others cannot. Check it out.
To contant them or read more about The Imhoffs, go to their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Chad and Angela have been discussing how to make healthy repairs in their 3rd series "The Anatomy of a Repair". In this third episode, they tackle a topic that gets a lot of couples in a trouble and explain Why 'I'm Sorry' Isn't Enough when trying to truly bend a breach in the attachment.
For more information about the Imhoffs, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
No matter if its a minor or a major offense in your relationship, it merits a repair. In this second episode of the series "The Anatomy of a Repair", Chad and Angela discuss the difference between an minor rift and a major attachment injury and the important Elements of a Repair for both.
For more information or to contact the Imhoffs, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Chad and Angela Imhoff are back with a new series called "The Anatomy of a Repair" bringing you a topic that all couples need- how to succesfully repair a fight. In this first episode they discuss what is an injury and why a repair is so important in securing your bond.
To contact them or for more information, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
In this final episode of their "Staying Tuned In" series, Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife Angela discuss how to possible 'catch' your cycle while it's happening and try a different move. It's not easy, but it is possible, and they'll give you the connect point conversation to help you do it.
To contact them or for more information, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
In this 6th episode of our Staying Tuned in Series, Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife Angela discuss what it looks like to be tuned in as a withdrawer, first to yourself, then to your spouse. The connect point gives couples the specific conversation to have to help you feel more connected to your partner and to help you build lasting security in your relationship.
To contact them or learn more about the Imhoffs, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Believing you are tuned in to yourself and your partner and actually being tuned it can be two different things. In this 5th Episode of their "Staying Tuned In" series, Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife Angela discuss what it looks like to not only understand more clearly the message your body is telling you, but also understand more clearly the messages your partner is sending you.
For more information about or to contact the Imhoffs, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
In this forth episode of their series, Staying Tuned In, Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife Angela discusses the difference between the perspective the withdrawer has on what helps the relationship versus the reality of how that help really affect the relationship. Just like in the third episode, Chad and Angela will walk you through how to line up perspective and reality by having connecting conversations.
For more information about The Imhoffs, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
In this third episode of the STAYING TUNED IN Series, Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife Angela discuss the perspective the pursuer has on their own level of tuned in. Often believing they are tuned in, but missing the deeper signals, the Imhoffs will walk you through how to align your perspective with reality.
For more information about the Imhoffs, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
In this second episode of their series "Staying Tuned In", Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife Angela discuss the many ways our messages get distorted in the delivery process. They walk you through the reasons its often tricky to understand what your partner is trying to tell you and give a practical ways to have a connecting conversation about interference.
Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife Angela are back with a new series where they discuss the importance of "Staying Tuned In" to yourself and your partner. In this first episode of the series, they address the need for A Clear Message to be sent in order to be responded to the way we long for.
For more information about the Imhoffs, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
In this final segment of their first series The Basics, Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife Angela walk you through the Connecting Conversation that will build a secure relationship.
For more information about the Imhoffs, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
In this episode of their BASICS series, Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife Angela discuss the very natural hesitation that we have in sharing our deeper feelings with our partner, and then how we can start to overcome it.
To learn more about the Imhoffs, check out their website at www.therealimhoffs.com
In this 5th episode of their first series THE BASICS, Dr. Chad Imhoff and his wife, Angela, discuss how couples often get caught up in a cycle that hijacks their relationship leaving both partners feeling disconnected. Listen to them explain the part each partner plays in this negative cycle and also the part they can contribute to making it better.
To learn more about the Imhoffs, check out their website at www.therealimhoffs.com
In this fourth segment of The Basics, Chad and Angela Imhoff discuss the tendencies of the withdrawer. They discuss the very good strategies our bodies lean toward in distress and how those survival strategies can also work against the security we are tying to build in our most important relationship.
To learn more about the Imhoffs check out their webpage at: www.therealimhoffs.com
In this third segment of seven in this series The Basics, Chad and Angela Imhoff discuss the energy that Pursuers often feel when met with distress in their relationships. As they walk you through the anxious side of the cycle, they'll not only normalize what it feels like, but also give you words and descriptions to help you identify what part you play in your relationship.
To learn more about the Imoffs, check out their webpage at: www.therealimhoffs.com
In this second segment of "The Basics Series", Chad and Angela Imhoff discuss what love is and why sometimes it's not enough. They share the basic principles of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) and begin to walk couples into the idea of having connecting conversations that secure a lasting relationship.
To learn more about the Imhoffs, check out their webpage at: www.therealimhoffs.com
In this first installment of their podcast, Chad and Angela Imhoff introduce who they are and why helping couples utilize the tools available is so important to them. Join The Real Imhoffs in a casual conversation about connecting in this first of seven segments of: The Basics.
To learn more about the Imhoffs, check out their webpage at: www.therealimhoffs.com