livingfullywithdrkathymccoy's podcast: Recent Episodes
Dr. Kathy McCoy
"Living Fully with Dr. Kathy McCoy" is for Baby Boomers and Generation Xers who are seeking to balance their busy lives, enhance their relationships and understand their feelings. In these weekly podcasts, psychotherapist Dr. Kathy McCoy discusses issues such as how to improve relationships with adult children, deal with depression, anxiety and "emotional clutter", how to make marriage work in retirement, come to terms with troubling feelings about aging parents and the aging process itself.
Are you unlucky in love? Stuck in disappointing, chaotic or just plain bad relationships over and over again? Why does this happen? The answers may lie in your distant past.
In this episode,Dr. McCoy discusses this link to your past and ways to break the pattern of bad romantic relationships in your life.
How do you know if your love is lopsided? What can you live with? What can you let go? What has become intolerable? And what are you going to do about all of this?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses how to know you're in an unequal relationship and what to do -- when to hope and when to let go.
Making the decision to stay or go can be one of the hardest you face -- even with a deeply unhappy, dysfunctional relationship.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses some reasons that people choose to stay in unhappy relationships and the reasons some leave -- and how to make a decision that feels right for you.
What do you do when the worst happens? What can you do when there's nothing to be done? How can you survive a tragic loss?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy shares a moment in her own life when everything changed -- and yet life went on. She offers comfort and words of hope for those grieving major, terrible losses in their lives.
Do you need an electronic reminder to prompt you to be kind and thoughtful to loved ones?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses our increased dependance on electronics to see if we're sleeping well, moving enough or to find our favorite music. Why not an app for kindness? She suggests that, in addition to relying on our devices, we can tap into our own emotional resources to find ways to please, surprise and enhance our relationships with those we love.
Why would anyone get therapy? This is still a frequent question many ask even though attitudes towards psychotherapy have evolved over the years from disapproval to more acceptance of professional help.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses instances where someone might benefit from therapy, how to find a therapist and how to make sure a particular therapist might be the right one for you.
Feeling alone in a relationship can be uniquely painful. Sometimes it happens when our fantasies of constant, intense love and happiness clash with reality. Sometimes it happens as the result of life transitions and busy schedules. And sometimes it signals serious problems.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses relationship loneliness, why it happens and what to do to reconnect and reclaim your love and intimacy.
It's not easy, especially for women, to say "No" when they want or need to. Social expectations are that a woman will always say "Yes" to a request. Refusing to go along with another's agenda and living authentically can be a challenge.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the power and importance of saying "No" and how to express your feelings in ways that others can hear and accept while avoiding negativity.
You may be blindsided or it may not be a surprise at all when your child comes out to you as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or non-binary. You may feel a confusing array of emotions -- from fear of their being hurt or marginalized to grief that his, her or their life may be quite different from the one you dreamed or you may feel mostly love and wonder how to best communicate that in this vulnerable moment.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the importance of your love and support at this time and how to deal with your feelings even as you embrace your child.
Coming to terms with the invisibility of aging can be a challenge, especially if you've been noted in your youth for your physical beauty. But there are advantages to evolving into another phase of your life -- and being noticed for other things -- such as kindness, wisdom or strength of character.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the challenges and rewards of discovering the special beauty to be found with quiet acceptance of the passage of time.
Mismatched sexual desire is not uncommon and can cause a lot of pain between partners.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy suggests questions to ask yourself about possible causes and conditions behind your dueling libidos and offers a number of suggestions for communication, compromise and true intimacy.
We have very special bonds with our pets, often considering them important members of the family. But many people who don't have the experience of loving a companion animal may show little understanding or empathy when we're dealing with the loss of a beloved pet and that can complicate our grief.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the psychology behind the bonds we share with our animals and how to handle the grief process, finding the support and the comfort we need during a very painful time.
There may come a time in our lives when our possessions cease to be a comfort and start to become an obstacle to growth, to relationships, to happiness and even to health. Compulsive hoarding is not uncommon and, of course, it occurs on a continuum -- from a bit of unsightly clutter to an uninhabitable home.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses hoarding behavior, what it is and why it happens and how to begin to help a loved one who is a hoarder. She illustrates the challenges with a story about a dear friend whose possessions are limiting his options as his health deteriorates. She also talks about how all of us, hoarders or not, need to reorder our priorities as well as our possessions as we age.
What lessons in love can we learn from the college admissions scandal that has been grabbing headlines in recent months? In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the importance of allowing our children to experience the consequences of their choices and actions, to get experience in facing disappointment and going on. Helicopter and steamroller parents who seek to protect their children from disappointment and smooth their way in life may be doing their children no favors. Parental counsel and support for their children's dreams are certainly important. But most important of all are the lessons parents can teach their children by example -- to become good, kind and caring people.
What do we do when dreams don't come true? When we do the best we can and still it isn't enough to achieve a treasured goal?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy talks about the importance of embracing failure as part of the fabric of our lives. Fear of failure can immobile us and make success impossible. Learning to live with failures and imperfections can help us to learn, to grow and to discover new possibilities in our lives.
Women's lives are busier than ever today. In these frantic and divisive times, kindness, caring and building a healthy lifestyle are especially important for our well-being.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy interviews Susan Spencer, the editor in chief of Woman's Day Magazine, about how women can bring more kindness, better self care and heart healthy habits into their daily lives.
What is it like to be childless -- whether by choice or circumstance?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the assumptions we make about childless people -- about their reasons, their motives, their character and their lives -- and why these assumptions often may not to be true. She looks at the reasons some of us are childless and how, nevertheless, those without children can make warm and loving connections with the next generation.
What's the one worst thing you can do while in conflict with your spouse? Silent withdrawal. It can be an aggressive, angry silence or a conflict adverse retreat from discussion. Either way, it can preclude a resolution and drive you apart.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses how to overcome your disinclination to engage in difficult discussions in ways that can resolve issues and bring you closer.
There comes a time in life when mortality ceases to become an abstraction and is a daily reality -- as friends pass away, as we reach ages our parents never lived to see. Our health in later life is often a matter of genetic luck and, increasingly of personal responsibility as we seek healthy lifestyles to prolong the healthy years of our lives.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the importance of taking responsibility for our health, of saying and doing what we most want with those we love and of savoring each day of good health.
Losing the delicious feeling of being in love is a common hazard in long relationships. How can you rediscover each other and the love that seems to have faded in the routines of daily living?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses specific things you can do to warm your connection and bring new life to a relationship grown tired.
Today, this minute, you can bring light to another's darkness, warmth to their isolation, making a loving connection across the years and the miles.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy suggests some of the people you might choose to remember and contact, even if they're not reachable by social media or email. These contacts, these sweet remembrances, don't have to take a lot of time -- and they can mean so very much to another.
Celebrities rule, sometimes quite literally, in our society and for those of us who are not famous, an encounter with a celebrity can be a memorable experience. It can be a fun story to tell, a meh moment or a less than pleasant experience one hopes to forget. In some rare instances, an encounter with a celebrity can be a life-changing event.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the lessons she has learned through celebrity encounters over the years. These lessons include: the importance of not make assumptions about another's life, not rushing to judgment about another's character, learning to make up one's own mind about an issue instead of taking a celebrity's word for it, realizing that celebrities, like the rest of us, aren't always what they seem but are much more fascinating and complex than any label -- just like us, that for some celebrities, an ordinary moment is a luxury and that kindness and compassion can make a crucial difference in another's life, whether or not celebrity is ever part of the equation.
Estrangement from an adult child can be a uniquely painful and lonely experience. In researching her recent book "We Don't Talk Anymore", Dr. McCoy discovered some surprising facts about such estrangements that she shares with listeners in this episode. She emphasizes that reconnecting with an estranged loved one can mean understanding why this is happening, why parents often need to be the first to extend an olive branch and how to begin to make peace with each other.
Are we more connected to the world and less with each other? What can you do when you and those you love spend more time staring at an electronic screen than seeing each other?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses tech addiction and ways to establish warm connections with those we love.
In moments of loneliness or nostalgia for the sweetness and passion of youth, do you find yourself thinking of a long-ago love and wondering what it might be like to have a second chance together?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the fantasy versus the reality of rediscovering a long-ago love and what it might take to give your love story a new and happy direction.
Have you tried to show your love for your adult child by unasked for advice or motherly truth-telling? And your son or daughter reacts with anger or quiet distancing?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy suggests ways to be helpful without hurting, supportive without smothering. She talks about how to say difficult things in a way your adult child can hear them -- and when keeping quiet is the best way to show your love.
Too many times, as Emily lamented in Thorton WIlder's "Our Town", we don't see family and friends fully, truly, with love and appreciation, every, every minute. But when we do truly see and know each other in new ways, it can be a joy.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy shares such an experience from her own life, hoping that this will inspire the listener to stop and see and truly cherish the family and friends who bless their lives.
Gray divorce has doubled in the past 30 years with most happening in the wake of a life transition like an empty nest. Waiting until the kids are grown helps them feel less upset about the divorce and mostly affluent people risk a divorce in their later years. These are some things everyone "knows" about gray divorce. But recent studies have found that reality can be quite different.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses some new discoveries about the prevalence of gray divorce, the reasons behind it and the impact this may have on adult children and on the former spouses as they build new lives in their later years.
Dr. McCoy wishes everyone a happy holiday season and announces that her podcast will be taking a brief holiday hiatus.
What can you do when you and a loved one differ on politics or religion? Despite the fact that so many in our country are divided on these and other aspects of our lives, disagreement doesn't have to be hateful, demeaning or dismissive.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses five ways you can disagree and still be united in your love and devotion to each other.
What is life really like in an over-55, active adult community? In this episode, Dr. McCoy responds to a listener's request for the pros and cons of such communities and how to make the decision whether to move to one or stay put in retirement.
What makes the difference between a love relationship that lasts and one that falters? There are many factors, of course, but tender loving care in maintaining a relationship can be a key to its thriving through the years.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses specific steps you can take to make your love relationship or a loving friendship grow stronger through the years.
What do you do when a friendship starts to change? How do you know if it's toxic -- and what can you do if it is? Is walking away your best or only option?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the signs that you may be in a toxic friendship, what to do and when to walk away.
What do you do when you love your partner but aren't feeling quite so "in love" anymore. Does this mean that it's time to move on or that you're reaching a new level of intimacy?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the differences between feeling in love and loving your partner as is day after day. While some lament the passing of that relationship phase of delight and fantasy and hope, she points out that truly loving another can be much better than any fantasies.
Why are so many people in tears as they watch the Fred Rogers documentary "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" Perhaps some of the tears come from the realization of how much we need to learn in this age of divisiveness and distractions.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the essential life lessons we can learn from examining the life of this gentle, loving man.
The joy of finding new love after being widowed or divorced can be tempered by conflict with adult children. They may resent the newcomer, be fearful of how they will fit into your new life, have a strong attachment to the way things were.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses what to do when your new happiness puts you at odds with your adult children and how to make peace.
It's a natural cycle of life, but sometimes catches us by surprise: the time when we turn to the babies of our youth for advice, comfort and support as we feel an autumn chill. As we reach midlife and beyond, we begin to pass the torch to the next generation.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the emotional aspects of this transition, the challenges and the joys, with her own examples and inviting listeners to share their own.
Like earthquake fault lines, relationship fault lines lie submerged in deep but largely unexpressed feelings of anger, resentment, disappointment, distrust and disillusionment.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy talks about how these can be a threat to relationships and how to prevent these from happening.
Experiencing the loss of peers is a particularly poignant part of midlife and beyond. With some of these special people, we lose not only a treasured friend but also a part of our own history.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses this difficult aspect of aging and pays a special tribute to Susan Ann Protter, her long-time literary agent and a singular force of nature, who passed away recently.
This episode is a review of the book "Prayer Wasn't Enough: A Convent Memoir" by Dee Ready. While obviously Catholic in nature, this book may be of interest to a larger audience as a coming of age story.
It is a story with which so many of us can identify: dreaming a youthful dream that doesn't turn out quite the way one had hoped. We've all experienced that. Sometimes the dream can become a nightmare. Dee Ready's story traces her path from youthful idealism to disappointment, anguish and with time, mental illness. It also explores her road back to health and healing.
These days, whenever one of you says "I love you!" does it sound a little rote, a little stale? Are there other things you can say that will give renewed emphasis to your feelings of love and help your partner, life companion or dear friend feel even more cherished?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy talks about five alternatives to "I love you" that can bring extra caring, safety, intimacy and joy to your relationship.
Want to improve your relationship? Start feeling closer to your spouse? Many people think that making things better means the other person changing or hammering out agreements together. Sometimes, though, quiet, subtle changes you make in your own behavior without big announcements can make a significant difference.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy describes five quiet strategies for making a difference in your life together.
In this special edition of "Living Fully", Dr. McCoy discusses suicide: what to do if someone you love is depressed, even suicidal, or how to help yourself in the wake of a loved one's suicide.
We all live with ghosts of the past -- whether from childhood experiences, trauma or abuse or from the impact of unhappy relationships later on in life. These can impact our lives in many ways from our self-image to our ability to connect and commit to others.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy talks about how to overcome or learn to live with these ghosts from the past, how to reconcile our past with our present and find new beginnings.
Love and intimacy are not constant but recurring between times of distance or the busyness of everyday life. And too many couples panic when their ardor seems to cool and wonder if this means they don't belong together.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the natural cycles and rhythms of an intimate relationship, how not to panic during times of distance and appreciate anew falling in love again ...and again.
As we age, some of us develop the habit of checking out the obituary page in the local newspaper. At first, we might look primarily at the ages and, when noted, cause of death. As the ages become uncomfortably close to our own, we may find ourselves reading about another's life and, in some instances, finding unexpected inspiration.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses a particularly inspiring obituary she read recently -- for Velma Elizabeth Coffin Kwart, M.D. -- Dr. Beth for short -- who had a fascinating life as a surgeon, a mother, a wife, a delightful friend. She defied gender limitations of her day, spent a lifetime as a doctor serving the underserved -- Native American populations in Alaska and Arizona -- and shared her love of music with the community, with friends and family. Despite the losses of aging, she lived with gusto and grace all of her 95 years.
Dr. McCoy notes how Dr. Beth is an inspiration to all in terms of surviving and thriving through loss of loved ones, loss of heath, and finding new ways to be engaged with life in all the transitions we face through the years. She observes that, however long we have on this earth, we always have a choice. We can choose to grumble, complain and demand or we can remain fully engaged with loved ones and with life. We can choose to live with love, enthusiasm and emotional generosity through every precious day.
Most people crunch numbers and seek out financial advisors in their pre-retirement years. Many dream of relocating to a warmer climate and closer community where living might be less expensive. But what about the emotional aspects of your new life?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the realities of retirement and how important it is to examine your priorities, your plans to replace your job with new passions and interests. She talks about the phases of retirement: the honeymoon phase, the settling in phase and, finally, the time when you find yourself living with new limitations. It's possible to live fully and with joy in every phase, especially if you have planned for growth, involvement, giving back and finding pleasure in your retirement years.
What do you do when an adult child makes an unreasonable demand for your money, your time or other resources and threatens estrangement, no contact with grandchildren or even suicide if you don't comply?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses how to deal with such emotional blackmail in ways that can benefit your children, grandchildren and your own pocketbook and peace of mind.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the importance of mindfulness in our lives, taking time to notice small, special moments that can add immeasurably to our daily joy.
Do you have the blended/extended family holiday blues that are most common when those you love most may not love each other?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses what to do when holiday celebrations of family togetherness are minefields for discord, disrespect, conflict and rejection. She discusses ways you can help to make more enjoyable family gatherings happen.
We all have our own thoughts and dreams about what it might mean to live our bliss.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy tells the story of Marta Beckett, the Broadway dancer from New York who became the legendary Ballerina of Death Valley. She had long dreamed of having her own one-woman show on a permanent stage and found her bliss when a flat tire stopped her and her husband in Death Valley. While getting the tire fixed, she discovered an abandoned building that she envisioned as a theatre -- and the rest is legend.
What is your dream? Your idea of bliss? Dr. McCoy discusses the obstacles we often find in living our bliss and how to overcome these.
Sometimes reconciliation with an estranged loved one just isn't possible. What then?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy talks about what to do when there's nothing to be done. Among these: grieving for what happened and what might have been; forgiving yourself and the other person;accepting that some days will be harder than others;surrounding yourself with love and, finally, knowing that your pain does not define you.
Dr. McCoy discusses how to navigate all these steps and how to find peace with what is.
Estrangement from a loved one is painful every day of the year, but the pain can be particularly sharp during the holidays.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy talks about this pain and how to reconnect with a loved one or, failing that, how to deal with feelings of hurt, disappointment, loneliness and shame, as other families seem to share such joy.
As time goes by, as we grow and change, the nature of our class reunions can change. We may have new insights into how we've grown with the years, the wisdom of letting go of what no longer matters, the value of warm reconnections and the blessing of love that has thrived and matured through the years. In this episode, Dr. McCoy shares insights, reflections and surprises that came from her own recent 50th college reunion at Northwestern University.
Why do people cry at weddings? From happiness as well as sadness? When feelings and life are so full? Or when they feel hopeless and alone?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses all kinds of tears and reasons we shed them. She also discusses the therapeutic value of tears that may extend beyond a release of stress hormones. The fact is, there are times when we need to cry for our own health and well-being. And that old saying about real men not crying? From the wisdom of the ages, we hear that tears are a sign of strength and self-awareness and an important part of our lives in transition.
The conflicts and fears may center on you or your spouse going deaf or not engaging in enough self-care or getting alarmingly forgetful. These are the emotional ghosts and goblins of older age: decline, disease, death, the fear of losing each other.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses how to hear and how to deliver words of concern and how to cherish your life as it is today without letting fears for tomorrow come between you and those you love most.
What are your most treasured life coincidences and blessings? Perhaps it's a special friendship that came from an accidental pairing on a school or work assignment; perhaps it was a chance meeting that led to lifelong love.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy talks about these chance relationships with staying power that impact our lives so much. And she memorializes a special friendship with Elizabeth Canfield, a social activist, health educator and Holocaust survivor, who died recently. She reflects on the many unexpected blessings in all our lives -- as life so often surprises us.
Making a habit of kindness not only brightens the days of strangers, family and friends alike, but it can also make a positive difference in our own lives and feelings.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses how we can make kindness a habit, what specific things can help and the impact this can have on the lives of others.
There is nothing like money to spark family feuds and emotional divides and some money mistakes can lead to ongoing conflict between parents and their adult children.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the five most common money mistakes parents make with suggestions on how to avoid these and why doing so can lead to improved relationships with adult children.
Whether you're a frazzled bride or groom facing the disapproval of parents or adult children or a parent contending with a Bridezilla with expensive tastes or a divorced parent wondering whether to issue an ultimatum about your attendance at your child's wedding if your ex and his new spouse attend, there are ways to cut the drama.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses how to deal with disagreements, obnoxious wedding behavior, straining budgets, and boycotts or ultimatums to ensure more harmony in your life as an extended family.
There are definite health benefits to maintaining good relationships with your adult children. This podcast explains why this is so and how to repair rifts and stay close to your adult children.
Anxiety happens to all of us. It may be evident in sweaty palms, in butterflies in the stomach, in procrastination or avoidant behavior. Although some have severe enough anxiety to require medication and psychotherapy, others can tame their anxiety by taking steps to manage their feelings and fears.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy outlines five steps that can help overcome anxiety -- whether this is anxiety about giving presentations at work or driving in heavy traffic, test taking or attending social events.
All our lives, we face so many obstacles to finding our authentic voices, expressing our true feelings and being the unique individuals we are.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses these obstacles, using some examples from her own childhood and young adulthood, and sharing some ideas for self-discovery and building confidence in speaking your mind.
Responding to a letter from a listener about her dismay when her husband began taking Viagra and suddenly wanted much more frequent sex, Dr. McCoy discusses what to do when sex drives don't match, when men face a crisis of confidence with varying degrees of erectile dysfunction and women endure the side effects of menopause that sometimes make frequent or prolonged sex uncomfortable.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses what to do when your libidos are at odds, what to do when a partner wants more or less sex than you do or, perhaps, no sex at all. She discusses sources of help and the health and relationship benefits of maintaining a sex life together.
Animal companions can be our own personal angels during difficult times. They can comfort and soothe in a way that other friends and family members can't.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the joy of companion animals and the effectiveness of animal assisted therapy which she has used, in certain instances, in her private therapy practice. It can be especially useful with patients who prefer the company of animals to people and who may need the reassurance of a canine or feline presence in order to open up to a human therapist. Dr. McCoy talks about the two cats -- Timmy and Marina -- who helped her in her practice and who were the focus of her later book "Purr Therapy", a memoir about animal-assisted therapy and two outgoing cats who left a legacy of love. Dr. McCoy discusses the qualities that make animal companions particularly effective in healing emotional pain.
There was a time when career success and stability all came down to a few basics: showing up, working hard and treating others with respect. Those qualities are still definite job assets but are no longer a guarantee that you will be able to work as long as you wish. With more Baby Boomers looking to work until age 70 or beyond or at least part-time after retirement, having a strategy is more important than ever.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy offers suggestions for those who still have a job but are worried and those who are facing unemployment and less than welcoming prospective employers. She has special advice for those facing changing realities in their occupations and the necessity of making a new start.
There are times when we need to look back at history for inspiration that can carry us through our lives now.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the courage and commitment of the Danish people and their leaders to work toward the common good and to keep hope alive when all seemed lost in the darkest days of World War II. Some of their individual choices and actions resonate today and can give us ideas and inspiration to keep our society a kind and compassionate one. It all starts with us -- each one of us.
Have you ever heard yourself saying something to your adult child that sounded alarmingly like your own mother's or father's voice? Or made a cringe-worthy comment that seemed to come out of nowhere? Or said something you thought was innocuous, but that elicited a negative reaction from your adult child?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy talks about ways we unintentionally offend or alienate our grown children and how to avoid this.
Please Note: This is a re-recording of a recent podcast that, due to technical difficulties, did not broadcast clearly.
What IS it about our memories as we age: when childhood and other long ago memories remain vivid while remembering what we had for dinner last night or where we left our keys have become ever more elusive? Why does this happen?
Dr. McCoy discusses what is going on with our aging brains and what we can do to maintain brain health. She also discusses the fluid nature of memories -- how these can change over the years and how divergent memories can spark family conflicts. She offers suggestions for looking at divergent memories in a new way.
A positive aspect of aging is simplying our lives to focus on what matters and letting go of what no longer fits. The conscious and unconscious changes we make in our lives as we age can help us to embrace what we most cherish and live fully in this new phase of our lives.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses communication mis-steps that can cause distance between parents and adult children. How do you keep from having your words come between you and your beloved son or daughter?
Dr. McCoy has five suggestions for better communication: think before you speak;let go of being central in your adult child's life; edit your comments and soften your approach; keep quiet and finally, apologize for verbal transgressions instead of making excuses. Sometimes silence can signal love and a vote of confidence to an adult child. So can a respectful observation or an immediate and heartfelt apology.
Talking about a future of illness and loss with your adult children is far from easy, but so necessary. It's important to approach the subject of your aging and eventual decline and demise in a thoughtful, collaborative way.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy shares stories of adult children whose lives were changed drastically by parental expectations and demands. She asks the questions how much is reasonable to expect, in terms of future care, from our adult children as we age? And how much is too much to ask?
Dr. McCoy makes suggestions for future planning with your children in ways that will enable all of you to achieve your future hopes and dreams.
There are some unique challenges for married couples in retirement. There is the reality of a long marriage. There are the losses and challenges of retiring and the pervasive possibility for further losses. There may be new isolation. And there is increased togetherness.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy shares some ideas for increasing marital harmony and happiness in the retirement years.
Although the current generation of young adults is more well-traveled, technologically sophisicated and accomplished than young people a generation ago, it seems that it's harder than ever for young adults to leave home emotionally and for parents to let go.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy talks about the necessity of loving our kids and trusting in their competence enough to let them go. Giving our children a firm sense of values and a sense of who they are and where they come from is vital. So is giving them wings -- wings build by teaching them independent living skills, letting them fight their own battles and solve their own problems, letting them know that it's O.K. to go, to be scared, to be unsure and to be excited as they venture out of the nest. Your beloved children will thank you, even many years later.
Why do we keep doing things that make us unhappy? What do certain things seem to happen over and over in our lives?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy explores some common repetitive scenarios: when you find yourself attracted to romantic partners or friends who cause you unhappiness, when you find yourself in similar situations at different work places, when you find yourself having trouble with change.
Spousal punishment can be inspired by and cause misery for a variety of reasons. As a therapist, Dr. McCoy has seen spouses punish the other for a long ago or more recent transgression: an infidelity, a lost investment, a wayward child, a business that went under or a career that never quite blossomed. Another frequent cause of spousal punishment: a relocation.
Living with such tension is hazardous to health and happiness. It takes two to perform this malevolent marital dance: the outraged punisher and the partner who feels guilty or otherwise deserving of punishment.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy explores ways to stop the cycle of marital punishment before it completely erodes love and good will. Even if peace seems impossible, she emphasizes that where there is love and a willingness to work together, so much is possible.
We all have life stories and scripts by which we live our lives. What one does with one's story can cause painful inertia in the present or facilitate positive change.
For some, clinging to an outdatd life story is a habit, an excuse not to risk change. Some have a story that is an endless loop of victimhood. Some have life stories and expectations that complicate family relationships in many ways.
Changing one's perspective and one's life story can be difficult and painful, but can lead one toward growth and a more satisfying new life. It may mean letting go of old pain to make room for new possibilities. Letting go of old family roles can be liberating and lead to better relationships with kin. Letting go of bitter life stories of victimhood can open your life to new opportunities. Letting go of old anger can create room for joy.
When you change your story, you can change your life.
What is life like when the retirement honeymoon is over?
Settling into this major life transition is much like we experienced in settling into our life's work or a long marriage: taking responsibility for our own choices and behavior and living with gratitude.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the fact that constant happiness is an impossibility, even under the best of circumstances, but we cn make the choice to stay positive, to accept current reality and to make peace with what is. Gratitude is a major part of this. So is understanding that happiness comes most readily not from getting, but from giving, not from hedonistic pleasures but from doing what gives our lives meaning at this phase of life.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy reflects on a New York Times opinion piece by a young writer complaining of the rudeness of people who send emails or texts to say "Thank you!" or who leave a voice mail message instead of texting. He said that such people were wasting his time.
Dr. McCoy discusses the value of all forms of communication across the generations, saying that we need to honor each other's favored means of communication, reaching out to each other in a variety of ways. She talks about the value of being respectful of each other, of greeting another's message with warmth rather than silence, and how this can bridge gaps between us, whether these are generational or philosophical or due to past misunderstandings.
How often do we look back into our personal histories and see the past in a new way, not forgetting the past as we once experienced it, but now reviewing it through the prism of life experience?
As time goes on, we have a choice. We can hold onto anger, bitterness and regret, letting negative experiences from the past darken our present. Or we can choose to look back with new understanding and with love. And that can be so freeing.
The value of perspective, the seasoning of our views and emotions with the years of experience that life brings, is inestimable in helping us to see all the colors and shadings in the complicated rainbow of our lives.
Not all friendships are forever. Even some close and treasured friends fall away over time -- maybe due to changing life circumstances, maybe due to misunderstandings, maybe due to no longer truly knowing and supporting each other. What do you do when a friendship becomes history?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses lost friendships, what we learn and how we grow not simply despite them, but because of them.
How do you feel about Valentine's Day? Neutral or disapproving of yet another commercial holiday? Having warm memories of past Valentine's Days? Or painful reflections of romantic disappointments or long ago hurt?
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses these varied reactions -- and the lessons we can learn from our experiences.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the discrepancies we face between the people we once were and the people we are today; between how we seem to others and who we are inside. She talks about those who feel passionate and energetic despite weakening bodies and increasing disabilities, between seeming shyness or arrogance and the fears and insecurities within. She suggests ways that we can live fully whatever our circumstances by paying attention, not just to present aches and pains, but to the ageless, life-affirming, vibrant spirit within.
There is great value in the Hawaiian tradition of "taking story": sharing stories of oral history or one's life or simply one's day. There's a real therapeutic value in sharing with another, to be known and accepted, to know and accept another. Differing points of view or experiences only add to the richness of the exchange. By listening to others' stories, we can begin to undestnad who they are and why they make the choices they do. It can keep us from making assumptions about others. Strangers can become friends and friends can become family.
So often we miss the full measure of today because we're looking ahead to new challenges, either anticipated or dreaded, or behind us to old regrets or to triumphs unlikely to happen again. How would it be to live just in this moment, savoring it fully?
Dr. McCoy got a lesson in mindfulness from two elderly Irish nuns, lifelong friends, who are facing a barrage of physical challenges and yet who live joyously, vibrantly in the moment. This podcast includes an exercise for savoring all aspects of today, this moment, as a resting place, a regue from all that has come before and whatever lies ahead.
Have you given up on your New Year's resolutions yet? Many have.
Resolutions can seem punitive, stressful, set-ups for failure. Instead of resolutions, make some New Year's promises to yourself.
Promises mean hope. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses some promises that may help you to meet some goals important to you with much pleasure along the way.
You can promise yourself nutritionous meals, more engagement with life, the freedom to surprise yourself, the peace of making choices that resonate with you and accepting life as it is, the joy of embracing all the love you have in your life.
Does Election 2016 have you down?
Are you longing for the past as your life continues to change?
Dr. McCoy has some suggestions for reclaiming your holiday spirit while embracing your melancholy self and revisiting the warm memories of Christmas Past in other times of your life: the wonder of childhood holidays, the happy busyness of the holidays when your own children were young, the peace and quiet joy in your later years as you watch your children play host to family holidays and the grandchildren face the world and its holidays with wonder.
No matter what is causing sadness in the present, Dr. McCoy has gentle advice to help you use the past and your insights in the present to create a renewed holiday spirit.
Responding to numerous listener requests to talk about what it takes to become a successful professional writer, Dr. McCoy, the author of more than a dozen books and hundreds of magazine articles, talks about the realities of the publishing business, the challenges and the possibilities.
She gives 5 essential qualities that one must have to launch a successful writing career.
Some surprises of aging are happy ones -- new comfort with your aging body, new ease with the person you are -- and some are sobering -- such as an increased sense of mortality.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses a full array of the surprises that aging brings and how these can enrich rather than limit one's appreciation of life and joy in living.
Wondering how to get through this holiday season after an ugly and divisive Election 2016? What can you do, this Thanksgiving and beyond, to keep your sanity if you and family members have been at odds over politics?
Whether you choose to brave big family holiday celebrations, postpone festivities until later into the holiday season or skip the family festivities altogether this year, Dr. McCoy has some ideas for dealing with family differences and divides and actually enjoying the holiday season!
As we get older, we become more of whatever we were before.
Obnoxious jerks become more unbearable.
The rest of us? Dr. McCoy talks about the fact that most of us bring many qualities, positive and negative, to our later years. She discusses the desirability to tame the jerk in each one of us by becoming aware of and making an effort to change the habits and quirks that may be annoying to others and to build on our kindness and compassion.
She encourages listeners to come up with a list of small but positive changes that will be doable, just for today.
So many people -- some years away from retirement -- dream of the day they can step away from commuting, office politics and other stresses of a full-time job. They may fantasize about a whole new lifestyle, living in a resort, having unlimited time to do exactly what they want.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses these dreams and 6 realities of retirement living that pre-retirees need to know and include in their planning so that those distant dreams will one day become a reality even better than they can currently imagine!
All of us have stories we need to tell. In this episode, Dr. McCoy talks about the need to take time to listen to the stories of others -- not just to be kind, but also because there is so much we can learn.
The marriage of an adult child brings changes and challenges to parents, even when the marriage is a happy event for all the families involved.
The young couple will be grappling with the logistics of a blended life: dividing time and attention to at least two different sets of in-laws, adjusting to differing family of origin values and patterns of interaction and behavior.
How can you, as a parent, keep close when your adult child marries? In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses 5 strategies for building new closeness with your adult child and his or her spouse.
During a lunch out recently, Dr. McCoy noticed two women who appeared to be mother and daughter at a table next to her.
The older woman spent the entire time engaging in a pleasant phone call, leaving the younger woman to stare at the table and to eat a largely silent meal.
It's easy to blame technology for intruding on our lives, but, as Dr. McCoy points out, we have choices: to allow technology to intrude, to rush mindlessly through each day, to let busyness interfere with closeness and connection.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy makes suggestions for living mindfully and what a difference this can make.
What distinguishes successful couples from those whose relationships disintegrate?
In this episode, Dr. Kathy McCoy, drawing on her experience as a marriage counselor and psychotherapist, discusses the qualities a couple needs to make a relationship work for both partners.
Just as happiness is an elusive life goal, feelings often considered negative such as anxiety or sadness, can be life-enhancing.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the up side of down feelings and why these feelings can warn us of danger or motivate us toward positive change.
There are some phrases that set a therapist's teeth on edge.
For Dr. McCoy, these are "That's just the way I am", "That's just the way I was raised.." and "It's my parents' fault because..."
In this episode, she discusses what such sentiments really mean to the therapist and to the prognosis of the client. She also suggests ways to begin to grow out of psychological immobility to experience the joy of taking responsibility for one's own life.
It's a common side effect of retirement: the emotional claustrophobia that happens when couples find themselves with more time together than they've ever had.
In this episode, Dr. McCoy suggests ways to create contentment with time alone and time together, giving each other space and freedom to pursue individual interests and, at the same time, savoring moments together much more.
What is your ultimate retirement nightmare? For many, it is an impoverished, maybe even homeless, retirement.
Dr. McCoy discusses such common fears and offers stories of two men who are living what we fear with dignity, peace and joy. In examining their lives and their attitudes, Dr. McCoy imagines that perhaps the thing to fear and avoid most is not financial poverty but poverty of character.