FamilyLife Blended® on Oneplace.com: Recent Episodes
Ron L. Deal
FamilyLife Blended provides biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.
To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186
Blending a family isn’t a Hallmark montage. It’s a minefield of hurt feelings, mixed loyalties, and second-guessing...everything. Debbie Alsdorf shares hard-won “do-overs” from 36 years as a stepmom—what she got wrong, what she’d never repeat, and what actually helped a fractured family slowly become one. From Debbie's book, Beyond the Brady Bunch, this stepmom advice skips fantasy and deals with real life.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29?v=20251111
"God hates divorce": you’ve heard it, maybe felt crushed by it. Cheryl Shumake joins Ron Deal and Gayla Grace to pull apart what Malachi 2 really says—and what it doesn’t. If you’ve felt judged, stuck, or sidelined by church talk, this conversation meets you there and pushes toward truth, clarity, and hope without easy answers.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29?v=20251111
You thought you were rebuilding after sexual betrayal—whether from this marriage or the previous—but something still feels off: Distance. Triggers. Questions you can’t shake. Authors Matthew and Joanna Raabsmith get brutally honest about how betrayal trauma, perhaps from sexual addiction, porn, affairs, or other sources, affects your brain, your body, your marriage...and why quick fixes don’t stick. From their book, Building True Intimacy, Matthew and Joanna map a slower, sturdier path forward when trust feels shattered.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29?v=20251111
You raised them right—so why does it feel like you’re losing them? Jim Burns steps into the ache parents don’t say out loud: regret, distance, and the fear you blew it. Drawing from When Your Adult Child Strays, he gets real about what to do when pushing harder only pushes them away—and what actually keeps the door open.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29?v=20251111
Father’s Day hits differently when chairs are empty and stepkids keep their distance. Ron Deal talks with Brian and Debbie Doyle about grief, blended families, and moving with patience, not pressure.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29?v=20251111
Mother’s Day can sting when life goes sideways—wayward kids, courtrooms, even prison. Ron Deal talks with Carol Kent about loving a son behind bars and finding faith while living the impossible.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29?v=20251111
Loss shattered you; remarriage after widowhood humbles you amid trauma, blending families, and recurring developmental grief. If comparison, unmet expectations, or past pain threaten your marriage and home, listen in. Daniel and Brittany Brooker (Refuge Widowers) share Scripture-soaked wisdom, practical strategies, and hope to redeem brokenness for God’s glory.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29?v=20251111
If you were growing up in a blended family, you knew the drill—new houses, new rules, new “normal” every few years. And now you’re the parent, wondering what stuck and what still stings. Ron Deal talks with Barna's Micah Scharchburg about growing up in family chaos—and why your story doesn’t have to define your kids’ future. If you’ve ever asked, “Did that mess me up?” or "Am I messing up my kids?" this conversation meets you right there—and points you forward.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29?v=20251111
Ron Deal sits down with Matt and Kari Perkins—two widowed parents who formed a blended family of seven kids after profound loss. This episode names the hard truth: you don’t “get over” grief—you worship through it, and grow with it. Honest, hope-filled wisdom for blended families navigating grief, faith, and second chances.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29?v=20251111
You’re not crazy. Blended family life is complicated—and sometimes it feels like you’re fighting battles that started long before this marriage. Old fears. Ex-spouses. Money tension. Kid loyalty binds. Ron Deal and Gayla Grace name the “ghosts” haunting stepfamilies—and why you lean out when you meant to lean in. If you’re tired of walking on eggshells, this one will feel uncomfortably familiar—in the best way.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29?v=20251111
Vaneetha Risner knows the raw grief of unwanted divorce and betrayal. She gets church shame, lost identity, lingering triggers. Yet God has turned lament into deeper trust. This was never the plan, but it has forged faith. And it offers hope for yours.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29?v=20251111
When did “family time” become everyone scrolling in separate corners? In this eye-opening episode, Ron Deal and author Arlene Pellicane unpack how to manage screentime—helping parents and grandparents raise screen-wise kids who still look up, laugh, and live offline. Discover why boredom builds brilliance, how to delay devices with grace, and how real connection always outshines the algorithm.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29?v=20251111
Grief lingers, yet love insists on living. Podcasters Justin and Kelly Walker navigate a blended family of 9 amid grief triggers and daily chaos. Hallway tributes, fire-pit conversations, and tender routines show how honoring the past fosters resilience, teaches empathy, and shapes a family that holds loss and new beginnings in a single heartbeat.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29?v=20251111
After a scandalous start to their blended marriage, Ines Franklin and her husband Jim discovered God's grace turns broken stories into masterpieces. With raw honesty--and pulling from the richness of the beatitudes in the Bible--Ines explains core ingredients to flourishing in blended family life, with heaps of practical takeaways. What began in shame ends in her "smoothie family" of 5 kids, 10 grandkids, and redemption that shouts hope.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29?v=20251111
When a child loses a parent, grief doesn't end for them. And when they join a stepfamily, we need to come alongside them with love and support as parents and stepparents as we honor their pain and memories. Ron Deal talks with Diane Fromme about what helps and what hinders, especially as stepparents with grieving stepchildren.Fromme explains how a stepparent can never replace a biological parent and functions as an ""and,"" not an ""instead."" Stepparents will likely face rejection, insecurity, and feelings of being an outsider; however, with humility and ongoing love and support, they can, over time, develop meaningful and significant relationships with stepchildren following loss.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
A neurodivergent marriage is when at least one partner has a neurodevelopmental condition like autism or ADHD. In this episode, Ron Deal speaks with Dr. Stephanie Holmes and her husband, Dan, who struggled to face that their young child was on the autism spectrum. Many years later, Dan discovered his own autism diagnosis.Neurodiverse couples face unique challenges with communication, emotional expression, and sensory sensitivities that can include physical touch and intimacy, along with a lack of understanding between both partners. Stephanie Dan offer support and guidance on how to recognize neurodiversity and strategies to cope with it.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Ron Deal speaks with Gayla Grace about her new book, Beautifully Blended: 101 Devotions to Encourage Couples in Blended Families. This book offers support and advice with relatable anecdotes, along with a devotion, prayer, and Bible reading for each day.Every day dynamics in blended families are addressed with answers to common situations that often create struggle, such as stepparenting, co-parenting, marital conflict, and challenges in relationship-building. Grace offers practical tips that provide hope for blended families by encouraging them to trust God, seek His wisdom, persevere through challenges, offer grace freely and often, count their blessings, and recognize God’s redeeming power in relationships.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
In-law relationships can be delicate and challenging, especially when they involve a former spouse. Ron Deal speaks with Dave and Ashley Willis about how to prevent feelings of powerlessness and frustration as we build bridges, not battlegrounds, in difficult relationships. Establishing healthy boundaries can safeguard our mental health and encourage healing from past wounds. Honest conversations convey respect—even when relationships are full of tension. Grace-filled discussions that reflect our ability to see the best in others and extend forgiveness when we’ve been wronged allow God’s love to reach hardened hearts.God wants to redeem relationships, and as we do our part with difficult in-law relationships, God will honor our efforts.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Ron Deal and Gayla Grace answer questions from Blended Blessed, such as: how do I manage tug of war feelings between my spouse and my children; how do I talk to my teenager who doesn't want me to remarry after his dad died; what are common ghosts of marriage past and how do we cope with them, how do we effectively place limits on screen time and hold the boundaries in our home when the other home has no limits; how do I calm my heart as a stepmom when my adult stepchild is rejecting me and what steps can I take to help, and many more.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Blake Hudspeth grew up in multiple stepfamilies as a result of death divorce and described his family to Ron Deal as pieced together. As a result, he struggled with complicated emotions and unresolved wounds well into adulthood.Now, Hudspeth wants to help others who’ve grown up in complex blended family dynamics learn how to reconcile a difficult upbringing with hope for the future. He understands how to grieve a family he wanted but didn't have and the importance of forgiving his parents for their part in the instability of his upbringing, which created distrust and uncertainty for him. He advises parents that one of the most important pieces in helping their kids who are growing up blended is simply acknowledging the pain they are carrying.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Guidance and hope for blending families can be found in stories from scripture. Ron Deal talks with Laura Petherbridge about her latest book, Stepfamilies of the Bible: Timeless Wisdom for Blended Families. Through true stories of God's heroes from stepfamilies of biblical times, Petherbridge offers practical tools to build unity, overcome complexity, foster love, and create lasting relationships for today's blended families. Through families such as David's, a man after God's own heart, and Joseph's, the favored son of Jacob, we learn how God can use sin done to us and sin done by us for His glory, and redeem relationships, regardless of how messy and broken they are.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Divorce and the death of a spouse naturally bring grief. But we don't always recognize the grief our kids also carry after walking through hard circumstances. Ron Deal talks with Stanley Mryna Brown on how they navigated grief when they married. Stanley had lost his first wife to cancer, later remarried briefly, then divorced. Myrna had also been through a divorce and was a single mom for ten years before marrying Stanley. They both had two children who struggled with their own grief and loss. Through counseling, Stanley and Myrna began to understand more about their children’s grief and how to help them work through the unique grief each of them carried, allowing relationship building within the family to more easily develop.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Every blended family navigates common stages on their way to finding familyness. It's not uncommon to experience the questioning stage, where you begin to doubt if you've made the right decision about your newly blended family, and you take a detour or two as you navigate your circumstances. Or perhaps you get stuck along the way as you walk through a crisis together. And what about the rewards stage? Wondering if you’ll ever get to that one?Gayla Grace shares the six stages of stepfamily development, how to navigate each stage well, and what it takes to build loving, connected relationships along the way.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Good co-parenting with a former spouse helps our kids navigate life in two homes with greater ease. Ron Deal's conversation with Jay and Tammy Daughtry teaches us how to be parental partners, not angry associates, through a businesslike relationship. "Good co-parenting with a former spouse helps kids navigate life in two homes with greater ease. Ron Deal's conversation with Jay and Tammy Daughtry teaches us how to be parental partners, not angry associates, as we compartmentalize the pain from divorce and manage co-parenting through a businesslike relationship. They emphasized the importance of congenial handoffs during the parental exchange, biological time spent with biological parents/kids, recognizing unrealistic expectations of former spouse relationships, reframing sensitive days on the calendar to minimize emotional landmines, and understanding two dynamics often at play:Bio fog—when a deep connection between biological parents and kids creates fog with the parent, who then often tolerates misbehavior.Step vision—when an objective stepparent quickly identifies shortfalls in stepchildren and often communicates them harshly.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Dr. John Townsend defines four essential character traits that individuals need to navigate life's challenges and demands. He shares with Ron Deal that these components are required for stronger relationships. We can help our children and stepchildren develop them and be resilient kids. 1) Attachment: the ability to trust and be vulnerable with others 2) Separation: the ability to have your own voice, which includes healthy boundary-setting 3) Integration: navigating both the positive and negative realities of life 4) Adulthood: the capacity to take responsibility, make sound decisions, and live a purposeful life.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Jayla explains how her position as a “Daddy’s girl” and her relationship with her own mother impacted her desire for a bonus mom. She didn’t respond well to Jessica’s nurturing, and tension escalated as she got older. In time, Jessica began to understand the complexity of their relationship, change her expectations, and parent Jayla differently. Slowly, their relationship moved toward understanding and love toward one another.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Tim and Olivia Smith brought six kids into their blended family in 1997. In their conversation with Ron Deal, they share the joys and challenges of melding together two families, how to encourage relationship building between siblings, and how stepparents can move from a place of isolation to a place of belonging in a stepfamily.Tim’s daughter, Christie, joins the conversation with her perspective as a teenager from the early years of their blended family. Although the stepmom—stepdaughter relationship is often the hardest to connect, Christie shares how Olivia’s small actions of moving toward her and allowing her to engage at her own pace created a loving, long-lasting relationship that she treasures today as an adult.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Robert and Jennie Lord both grew up in blended families. They share their stories with Ron Deal about the residue left behind from the maze of parental divorce, multiple stepparents, challenges in relationship building, unwanted transitions, and ongoing instability. They’ve sought healing from those experiences and now want to share what they’ve learned with others.Married with a family of their own, they are committed to their marriage and want to provide an upbringing for their children that is vastly different than what they experienced. They teach and model a life built on faith and seek to provide stability and build strong bonds with their children.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Foster care adoption present difficult issues with similarities to stepfamilies. How do you help a child cope with ambiguous loss or connect as a parent when children act out from prior wounds? Listen to Ron Deal's conversation with Jenni Lord for help.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Laura Husband, daughter of Columbia astronaut Rick Husband, was 12 years old when she endured her dad’s very public death. Laura shares with Ron Deal her layers of grief that followed and her experience growing up blended after her mom’s remarriage.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
How do you identify narcissism or cope with a narcissist? Ron Deal talks with counselor Laurel Slade-Waggoner about strategies in a relationship when someone seeks to control, manipulate, shift blame, gaslight, or behave in other narcissistic ways.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Does your family have a designated Sabbath? How do you spend that day? Kathi Lipp shares with Ron Deal her suggestions for reimagining Christian Sabbath that is a meaningful day with the Lord and one another as you prioritize rest share a meal together.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
The intersection of marriage parenting often creates tension for stepcouples. Listen to Ron Deal Gayla Grace give input on how to become a parenting team as you face guilt, fear, ambiguity, different parenting styles, co-parent struggles, and more.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Stepfamily couples can experience sexual pitfalls that bring additional stress. Ron Deal Gayla Grace talk about how to build trust emotional safety to overcome the comparison trap, fear insecurity, other lingering messages that affect intimacy.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Blended family life can bring hopelessness. Dr. Lee Warren, a neurosurgeon who has faced personal trauma, talks with Ron Deal about how to transform our thoughts and consider our feelings against the Truth of God’s Word to find hope for a better tomorrow.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Ghosts of marriage pasttriggers from past hurtleave a residue on our heart that creates hypersensitivity to being hurt again. Ron Deal speaks with Gayla Grace about dealing with relationship baggage, moving past fear, building trust in relationships.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
How do we help kids who are struggling with addictive behaviors? Ron Deal speaks with Dr Adrian Hickmon, who says we start by understanding the pain and void underneath their addiction, and then we must face the facts and determine the help they need.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Stepparenting myths can negatively impact stepparents. Ron Deal talks with Gayla Grace about how to cope with common myths like: all stepmothers are wicked stepfathers are abusive, stepparents are instant parents, we love bio stepchildren the same.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
After losing her husband in a tragic accident, Sabrina McDonald looked forward to her young kids having a dad again. But remarriage came with hardship. She shares her lessons of loss and love with Ron Deal and how God met her in the wilderness.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Growing up blended often includes hard transitions. But Marshall West shares with Ron Deal the beauty of God’s provision for two families coming together after loss, giving him a dad he never had and two brothers who were never considered step.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Ex-NFL football player Devon Still and wife Asha were blindsided by their blended family struggles. They talk with Ron Deal about rejoicing over the cancer remission of Devon’s daughter while grieving over their marriage problems how they found answers.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Our past affects our present. And when we experience complicated blended family dynamics as a child, we're forever changed. Listen to Scott Kedersha share with Ron Deal how his blended family upbringing has impacted his parenting and marriage as an adult.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Do you wonder about God's purpose and intent for marital sexuality within marriage? Do you need help on how to nurture and protect this aspect of marriage? Listen to Ron Deal's message: God's Purpose and Intent for Sexuality.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Trauma and suffering can impact families in unexpected ways. Joel and Vaneetha Risner share with Ron Deal the positive effects of loss and suffering and how it helped to ground their faith, trust God in deeper ways, and bond their blended family.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Conflicts are inevitable on family journeys. Rodney and Annetta Whitney share their journey, confusing dynamics, and their light bulb moments with Ron Deal. Stepparent, if you feel like an outsider, keep having hard discussions and don't give up.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Do you have trouble organizing your life? Your family calendar? Well, help is on the way! Ron Deal speaks with James and Ginger Dellaripa about the challenges of blended family management including schedules, co-parenting, custody, and more.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Getting remarried in later life after the death of a spouse or divorce? How do you know if you’re ready? Ron Deal talks with Jim Shirley Mozena about the risks, as well as rewards, of a later-life remarriage and what to consider as you date.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
When relationships with our adult kids stepkids become strained or estranged, our hearts hurt. How did we get here? Can we fix it? Ron Deal talks with Dr. Charlotte Melcher Smith about common themes contributing to the problem and how parents can help.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Have you ever wondered how to be thankful in a hard season in your blended family? Listen to Ron Deal and Gayla Grace talk about finding joy, regardless of our circumstances, as we focus on God’s faithfulness, His provision, and His promises.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Helping your kids with their emotions is a critical life skill, yet we often don’t equip kids with these valuable skills. Ron Deal speaks with Michelle Nietert, LPC, about common feelings kids in blended families experience and how parents can help.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
High-conflict co-parenting is a common struggle in blended families. Ron Deal speaks with Diane Deirks Rick Voyles on how to improve co-parenting conflict as you prioritize what you're fighting for, change your response, consider your kids first.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
When we blend two families, what's the goal how do we get there? Do we focus more on parenting or our marriage? Do I parent my stepchild or build a relationship first? How do we manage a difficult former spouse? Ron Deal answers these questions more.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Blended families come in all shapes and sizes. Each family is unique with its own complexities. Chris and Yodit Brooks share their stories growing up in a stepfamily and wisdom they've gained from raising their adopted and biological children with Ron.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Holidays can be a stressful time juggling visitations, planning activities, and managing feelings. Emotions in blended families are often magnified during Christmas. Gayla Ron offer practical ways to promote positivity so your holiday can be enjoyable.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Children want to be heard and seen. Ron Deal discusses with Dr Mark Mayfield about how parents can help teens with loneliness, purpose, and truth as they mature into young adulthood. Parents play a vital role to help navigate their overwhelming thoughts.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
The enneagram gives us insight into our unique gifts contributions. But it shouldn’t be the ultimate source of our identity. Ron Deal talks with Jeff Beth McCord about interpreting core types alongside the truth of the Gospel as we relate to others.
To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
No one wants to walk through grief and suffering. But God uses hard times to grow us up and discover hope in Him. Ron Deal talks with Davey Kristi Blackburn about how to trust God's faithfulness in our pain and find healing and restoration through Him.
To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Do you have wounds from a previous relationship that you carried into your new family? We call these ghosts of marriage past. Unresolved residue also happens with our kids and affects our ability to form trust intimacy with others. Ron Deal speaks with Moe Paige Becnel about how to wrestle with our ghosts and lessen their power.
To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Blended family life doesn't often start with every relationship experiencing harmony. But it's not unusual to develop it along the way. Listen to Ron Deal speak with Gil and Brenda Stuart about how disappointment and confusion in their family relationships with 7 kids eventually morphed into redemption and joy.
To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
NFL player Jeff Kemp has spent decades connecting with men. He shares with Ron Deal why healthy male friendships are valuable and how men can cope with struggles of insecurity, comparison and shame by understanding their identity in our Father God. 255 Former NFL player Jeff Kemp has spent decades connecting with men. He understands the common struggles which include insecurity, comparison, and shame. He shares with Ron Deal how men can best cope by understanding their identity in our Father God, and why healthy male friendships are valuable in everyday life.
To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Men want harmony in their homes, but the dynamics of blended family life can threaten peaceful relationships. Mike Haney speaks with Ron Deal on how stepdads can create meaningful bonds with their stepchildren with intentional behavior for the long run.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Do you struggle with 2nd wife syndrome? Are you confused with your role and often feel you can't measure up? Ron Deal speaks with Bill Jen Rogers on the valuable role stepmoms play and offers encouragement pro tips for those stuck in the trenches.
To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Litigation creates stress and anxiety for stepfamilies, but there are ways to experience peace in the midst of it. Listen to Ron Deal with Scott Vanessa Martindale on how to find resolution in custody cases that best meets the needs of your child.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
When complicated circumstances show up in blended families, relationship-building slows down. Ron Deal speaks with Dr. Darrell Bock about how the death of his mom when he was a teenager, a dad who traveled weekly with work, and a new stepmom with three kids created tension and uneasiness for everyone.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Stepfamilies are fundamentally different than biological families which creates tension ambiguity. Ron Deal speaks with Dr Patricia Papernow about key principles for healthy relationship building while navigating complex dynamics competing priorities.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
How can you establish your marital relationship as the foundation for the home when children preceded your union? Ron Deal Gayla Grace offer practical tips on how to put your spouse in the front seat of your heart while still prioritizing your children.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Blending isn't the goal for stepfamilies; it suggests the family becomes one relationally, which rarely occurs. Other common cooking strategies don't work either. Then what does? Listen to Ron Deal and Gayla Grace discuss how crockpot cooking is the key.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Interrupting is disrespectful.I was 10 and I just had to tell my parent's friend, Mrs. Roush something. She held up her hand like a traffic cop, shook her head no, and kept talking to her friend until she finished, then I could talk. Now, all kids need to learn not to interrupt adults because it teaches a child respect. They shouldn’t interrupt parents either because whoever gets to interrupt gets to be in charge. So, in stepfamilies a biological parent can support a stepparent just by not allowing kids to interrupt.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
When one partner holds all the wild cards, the other partner just folds.Mark held all the cards and still he believed his second wife should trust him. He made her sign a prenuptial agreement and then he managed their finances and determined her monthly allowance. Then seven years into their marriage, he set up a trust to provide for his kids but forced her to sign it without letting her read it first. This is not how you foster trust in a relationship. Treat each other like equal partners, shower one another with kindness and sacrifice. That is how you do it.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
From your kidswouldn’t you appreciate a little gratitude!So, I was getting some maintenance done on the car my son drives. When I asked him to come and pick me up I got attitude. Apparently I disrupted his Saturday morning sleep. Well I got up at 6:15 in order to get the car fixed and I never got a thank you for the money I spent. Then I thought: I wonder if God has the same problem with me? I have a good job that puts food on the table for my family and yet sometimes I still complain. Ouch. Yes, all children need to learn gratitude and to be content.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Here’s a tale of two co-parents: the fool and the wise.Proverbs 29 says when a fool and a wise person have a dispute; the fool will rant and give full vent to their anger. Now this happens in countless situations, but I see it a lot between ex-spouses who are assigned the responsibility to co-parent their children. This means godly parents are at times subjected to outrageous behavior and if that’s you, I’m sorry. Just remember this, everyone, especially children, knows exactly who the fool is and who is not. So let integrity be your guide.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
I know what your enemies say about you, but what does Scripture say about your worth?Self-esteem is a good thing but God-esteem is even better. In the Bible, 2 Corinthians 5-6 says that in Christ we are the righteousness of God, that God is our father and we are his sons and daughters. Ephesians 2 says we are alive in Christ; a dwelling place for the Holy Spirit. So, who are you? You are loved and forgiven, a child of the King. Worthy of respect and love. A gift, ready and able to give yourself in the service of others. Now that’s the truth. Why don’t we start living it?To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Are you still doing your kid’s laundry?At college orientation, they told us parents to stop doing our kid’s laundry. We haven’t done Brennan’s laundry since sixth grade, but apparently, lots of parents do it for their eighteen year olds. So why would you do for your kids what they can do for themselves? The answer I bet has more to do with you than them. Here’s the thing, eventually your need becomes theirs when they are incompetent to do life and dependent on other people. Hey, quit doing their laundry!To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Sibling jealousycan happen at any age.Sibling jealousy happens when an only child is dethroned by the new baby who gets all the attention. But it can also happen when adopted or foster kids are added to the home; or when stepsiblings come for a weekend visit. Because the fear of being displaced is usually at the heart of these situations, the prescription is essentially the same. Move emotionally toward the jealous child. Spend time with them, invite them to play a helpful role with the new sibling, and then foster a sense of team.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Ron, you should see your face.Our boys were young and my wife was giving me parenting feedback. She said, Ron, you’re a great dad. I love it when you discipline our kids but you should see your face. You’re intimidating and they feel rejected. Well, that was hard to hear. But I took it to heart, and added the fruit of gentleness to my discipline. Turns out smiling when saying no was far more powerful. But to get there I had to take off harshness and put on gentleness. It’s your turn. Add gentleness to who you are today.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
It’s time for a little stepfamily math.A family of five has about 20 relationships to manage but what about a stepfamily of five? Well, add the ex-spouses, their new partners and their children and a stepfamily of five has 210 relationships to manage. Then there is the confused identity multiplier. The stepdad has one idea of his role, his wife has a second, his stepchildren, biological child and his wife’s ex-husband have others. That calculates to 420 relationships. No wonder stepfamilies are tired. Don’t worry we’ve got your back.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Out with the old and in with the new. But where do you start?The Bible, in Ephesians 4, calls Christians to take off the old self and put on the new. A new righteous and holy self? How do I do that? Well, be renewed in the spirit of your minds, Paul says. Make a list of attitudes and behaviors you need to take off. Then review the fruit of the Spirt in Galatians 5:22. The goal is to renew your mind. Take off the old and put on the fruit. Get started today and build your list of attitudes to take off.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
When performing a parenting musical composition, it’s important for parents to know their part.The honorable first chair distinction is important for musicians. In a stepfamily on day one biological parents are first chair. The strength of their relationship and longevity with the child allows them to lead and play the solo moments when necessary. The stepparent on day one is second chair. Now, both are playing from the same sheet of parenting music and together their section sounds fuller and blends well when playing in harmony especially when they follow the conductor.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
How do you celebrate marital oneness when your family isn’t one?There may be many people wondering that this Valentine’s Day since this is a day to celebrate love and romance but what if there is strife in your extended family? Or maybe your blended family isn’t very blended. You two are doing great but you may have concerns for the kids. How do you enjoy a day like Valentines? Well, you may have to compartmentalize. No, not everything is hunky-dory, but thank God for your spouse and celebrate what is going well in your marriage. It’s okay to do that.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
I suggest you check your confirmation bias at the door.I love in marriage counseling when I can help one person who feels unloved to realize their partner really does care. Sometimes the person who feels unwanted can't see it because of their confirmation bias, that’s their tendency to only see things that support their belief that they are not loved. We all have bias in relationships. Once we form a perception about someone we interpret their behavior in a way that supports our perception. We freeze frame them. Well, now I’m part of the problem.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
How does being loved by God help you to love others?Have you noticed that loving God and being loved by God helps us to love others and vice versa. So, when I rest in my love relationship with God, I won’t idolize someone else’s love for me because I’m already loved. Conflict stings a little less. Apologies come more quickly. Forgiveness is easier to grant. And self-respect shows itself in both sacrifice and sometimes saying, No. In stepfamilies, resting in God’s love provides stability and gives you a sense of worth even when rejected.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
You know, we really shouldn’t be surprised when our children misbehave.Why not? Well, because in the Bible Proverbs 22 says, Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. This verse reminds me of the parent educator who said we spend the first 18 months of our child’s life meeting their every desire, and then spend the next 18 years trying to get that expectation out of them. But that’s the good news of this versemoral teaching drives foolishness away. Be encouraged parents and stepparents and just stay after it.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Here’s a dilemma: How do you find permanence in a relationship without making a permanent commitment?You know what a wedding is, right? It’s the day a man and a woman draw a line in the sand and step over it together. I’ve heard some people argue that living with someone is essentially the same thing. Then I say, Oh, so it won’t matter is you go ahead and get married then. To which they start backpedaling pretty fast. People intuitively know that marriage is different. Paper may not make a difference, but commitment does. Do you want permanence? Choose permanence.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Family meetings. It might be worth trying.Some of you have already benefitted from my article on family meetings. This testimony from a stepdad explains why they can be so much more than just a meeting. We started family meetings by necessity, he told me. We kept running into walls with the kids so we decided to get together and talk about it. At first the meetings were all problem centered. But then we realized we could get proactive. Now, looking back it did more than solve problems. We figured out how to be a family.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Stepparents, don’t just aim for love, earn their trust.To have healthy relationships it really takes love and trust. One without the other doesn’t make for a solid relationship. Now, especially for adopted children, foster children, and stepchildren trust opens the door to love. Build trust by being emotionally and physically safe to be around; by showing them that you are committed and you’ll never leave them; and by loving them on their worst day. And be trustworthy. Be a person they can trust and you’ll be a person they can love.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Anytime we experience loss, we become fearful of more loss.John's mom has been married for two years and he told me, I’m afraid of getting close to anyone in my family. With all we’ve lived through, I keep waiting for bad things to happen all over again. His 14-year-old brother, Randy said, I want to get close to my stepdad but not too close. I totally understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. But fear just paralyzes you and makes it hard to laugh and love. Don’t deny your fear. Face it. Talk to God about it. And overcome it with love.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
This week I’m talking to kids in single parent and stepfamily homesand the adults who love them.Kids, have you ever felt happy and sad about your family, at the same time? Or maybe you like your stepparent but want to push away in the same moment. It’s confusing. There are good things and a few things you’d like to change, too. Here are some tips. To deal with those confusing emotions give yourself permission to feel them. Then make the choice to live with the situation. This doesn’t mean you’re thrilled about everything. It means you are finding a way to cope. With God’s help, you can.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Today, again, I’m talking to kids in single parent and stepfamily homes.Tracy knows in her head she didn’t cause her parents’ divorce, but in her heart believes she had something to do with it. She feels guilty. Juan's dad invites him over on his mom’s weekend. He finds himself stuck in a tug-of-war. He struggles with guilt and acts like he’s not enjoying himself so the other parent will not feel left out. Tracy and Juan, you’re just a kid. Taking care of your parents is not your responsibility. Please let go of that burden of guilt.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Today, I’m talking to kids in single parent families and blended familiesand the adults who love them.Kids, I want to acknowledge some tough things you may be dealing with. Things like; loss and sadness, not having your parents together, maybe one has died, having to move between homes, being anxious about whether your parents will argue again, forgetting your math book at the other house, and having a stepparent you didn’t ask for. Here’s what I want you to know: God cares. He hasn’t forgotten you. And like the people in the Bible who experienced great loss, he will see you through. Trust him.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
"Ron, if it weren’t for the stepfamily, we’d be a happily married couple."I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard this. Our research finds that before a wedding couple satisfaction is mostly tied to, as you would expectthe couple. Couple satisfaction is a function of the couple’s relationship. But, after the wedding, couple satisfaction is equally tied to the stepfamily stuff going on around them. Stepfamily couple satisfaction is a function of the couple’s relationship AND the stepfamily dynamic. That’s where they get blind-sided. Hey, we can help with that.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Family: A link to the past and a bridge to the future.Knowing family history tells us who we are and what we’re made of. Here’s the blended-family trap: Sometimes, the adults are so focused on the new family they inadvertently step on the children’s past. Like when a stepparent demands a child call them Mom or Dad, it feels like they're erasing the family tree. Or when a family tradition is pushed aside by new stepfamily members, it squashes something in a child. To be a bridge to the future, your stepfamily needs to honor the past, not erase it.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
I’m sure you’ve heard that money problems are the number one cause of divorce, right? Well, not really.Yes, the top issues couples argue about are money, sex, and parenting. But the reason they can’t resolve those arguments is because of how they argue, their values about money, selfishness, and stubbornness. So, what’s the solution? First, make sure your core values line up with God’s values. That will unify you. Then, and only then, can you tackle the logistics of financial management. For stepcouples, it can get complicated really fast. So getting specific guidance can be well worth it.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
What are you doing? Are you trying to scare us?I get a lot of responses to my resources for stepfamilies. One fairly predictable comment from dating couples is, Ron, are you trying to scare us out of getting married? No, I’m not. But I am trying to prepare you for life. Let me explain this from the other side. A lot of married stepfamily couples say, Ron, where were you 10 years ago? We could have avoided a lot of problems had we known this stuff. If you are a single parent or dating one, I don’t want you to say that to me in 10 years.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
When it comes to dating, rose-colored glasses make red-flags look pink.Everyone knows love is blind, especially when we’re falling in love. Over dinner I witnessed a mature blended family couple share their thoughts about the rose-colored glasses with a younger dating couple. Don’t rush into marriage, they said. And make sure you’re ready to marry the entire package that comes along with the person you’ve fallen in love with or don’t marry at all. The entire package for stepcouples includes children and ex-spouses and everything that comes with a stepfamily.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Families in America have an uptapped energy resource.It's the life energy that comes from being loved by grandparents. Grandparents teach great life lessons. They give us a safe place to belong and offer unconditional hugs. Grandparents are important. And, they are important to blended families, too. They reach out to new family members and help them belong. Grandparents have an underestimated ability to create connections. To foster a safe place for children and offer love and infuse the family with energy. Hey Grandparents, we need you.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
To kids, a photo of a parent not living with them is worth a lot more than a 1000 words.Talking about prior family pictures in a stepfamily brings out people’s passions. Biological parents want to preserve pictures for future generations. Kids need pictures and videos of family members who live in other homes. Stepparents want to know if there are appropriate boundaries for where photos are displayed. Think public and private. Kids should be free to display important pictures in their private space like their bedroom and mobile devices but not over the mantle in the living room.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
If there’s a picture and you’re not in it say, Tell me about that.Stepparents ask your stepkids to tell you about their prior family. Pictures and videos from the past represent how life was and usually capture the best of times. It is a foolish stepparent who tries to erase that history; that implies the kids are a mistake. A wise stepparent asks the kids to tell the stories behind the pictures. Honoring their family story celebrates their worth and their value. Look at it from their perspective. When you embrace their past, you embrace them.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Ron, he wants me to throw away all our old family photos. No, don’t do that.I cringe when I hear of a stepparent who asks their spouse to get rid of family photos. Or who redecorates the house soon after moving in. The message is, Your past is gone and I don’t want you to have any attachment to it. Well, that out with the old, in with the new approach is pretty offensive, especially to stepkids. And if you were insecure about the place in their lives before, you really should be now. Listen, better to embrace their past than try to erase it. Step in with grace.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Do you know how to listen beneath someone’s words?The masters of relationships know how to hear what’s not being said. What lies beneath, if you will, unlike emotions and they respond to that instead of the words on the surface. So with a co-worker who is griping about a manager you can say, it sounds like you’re discouraged. Or with a child who is mad because you won't buy the shoes they want, ask what they are concerned about. Maybe they don’t want to be made fun of at school. Raise your relational IQ. Start listening to what lies beneath.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Most of us assume we’re good listeners.Recently, as my wife was expressing her opinion about a parenting matter I thought I knew where she was headed so I jumped in. Except I was wrong which frustrated her and side-tracked the conversation. Hey, we all do it. We make assumptions that short- circuit the communication. So what do we do? First, be humble enough to admit that you can’t read minds or hearts. Then, be quick to listen and slow to speak just as James 1:19 says. Listen openly and check your assumptions at the door.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Parents need to be on the same side, right? Well, what if you can’t?Biological parents in stepfamilies walk a delicate line as they back up the stepparent, and at times, speak up for their kids. How do they do that? Don’t step into the middle of every conflict. They need to figure this out on their own. But when you do have something to say to your spouse, start with this, Because I support you, I want to share my thoughts about what is happening. Moving toward your spouse is the first step toward helping your spouse and children move toward each other.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Okay everyone. It’s time for a video selfie.Have you ever heard the statistic that only 7% of communication is words and the rest is non-verbal? How we say something really matters. You have a video recording feature on your smartphone, right? Well, the next time you’re upset with anyone record yourself. Most of us underestimate what our tone of voice and body language really communicate. We know what we said, but we don’t realize what the real message was. It’ll take courage to play back the video selfie but it might mature how you love.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Are there any unhealthy coalitions in your home?In families, coalitions can be helpful or destructive depending on who’s involved. A healthy coalition between Mom and Dad creates a strong parenting system that supports the children as they grow. But an unhealthy coalition between a parent and child against the other parent sabotages the authority of both parents and teaches children to manipulate. When this happens in stepfamilies it nearly always creates conflict and sabotages the marriage.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Where do you buy a rod of correction?The phrase Spare the rod, spoil the child, isn’t found in the Bible, but Proverbs does talk about the rod of punishment. Scripture uses it as a figure of speech for discipline and it’s an act of love. Proverbs 13:24 says, If you do not punish your children, you don’t love them, but if you love your children, you will correct them. The resolve to correct our children in a way that moves their heart toward godliness is an act of love. Learning how to do that is a part of being a good parent.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
What do you get when you combine two families and play? Dinner!Plan a crockpot meal and then gather your family in the kitchen. Have each person add one ingredient to the crockpot while you talk about how stepfamilies come together. Each of us, you might say, is part of this dish. We may enter the pot uncooked, but over time, love warms our hearts and we come together. A crockpot meal takes many hours to cook and our family may take a long time to mix, but eventually, we’re going to taste really good." Have fun making the meal and have fun eating dinner.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Have you ever walked a mile in your kid’s shoes?As a dad I wonder what it’s like to be my kids at this season of their lives. It helps me know what they need. What's it like to have their friends? Go to their school? Or live in my home? Parents in stepfamilies ask other questions too. What's it like to go between homes with different rules and expectations? Or grieve a deceased parent or a family fractured by divorce? Or receive criticism from a stepparent? And what's it like to talk to God about this? Take time to walk a mile in their shoes.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Ron, I figured it out. I live in a stepfamily, but my husband doesn’t.This stepmom frequently felt like an outsider but her husband couldn’t understand. Then she realized he can’t experience the family the way she did. He was an insider while she was the only outsider. Is this you? Don’t blame each other. That just pushes you apart. Listen to the other person’s perspective and be willing to be influenced by it. In this case, the husband could listen to his daughters through his wife’s ears. And the stepmom can stop expecting him to feel her every frustration.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Everyone in the blended family living room traveled a different journey to get there.In a nuclear family all have the same family story but stepfamilies are made up of people with different family stories, DNA, and traditions. A different culture. Merging those cultures can be difficult but you can do it. Talk about holiday traditions and the meaning behind them. What it’s like to be the oldest child in one home and a middle child in another. And how past hurts have changed who you are. To cross the gaps in your family stories, you’ve got to build bridges of communication.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Don’t just stand on the side-lines. Get in the game!Did you know nearly 40% of families in the U.S. have a stepgrandparent? It may be common but the role is sometimes hazy. Imagine a child who already has a close relationship with their grandparents. Do you step in? If so how? Gauge a child’s openness to you. Whether they live near or far use technology and social media to get into their world. If your relationship with one of their parents is strained, focus on the grandchild. Bonding with them might become the gateway to reconciling the family.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Spend time with the wise and you will become wise.Proverbs 13 says, "To grow wisdom you have to hang out with wise, godly people. But the friends of fools will suffer. We parents we get this. We want our children to hang out with good friends because we know their influence will rub off on our kids. So why do so many of us parents hang out with foolish people or take advice from and follow those who don’t claim Christ as Lord? Why don’t we pursue being wise? Why not let today be the day you start.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Here’s an idea for all parents: Smile when you say no.By his own admission, Steve was demanding as a parent. He had to be after his wife died leaving him with three teenagers to raise. Years later, when he married and became a stepdad, his authoritarian style was well set. But what worked as a parent backfired as a stepparent. I suggested he put a smile with his no. I explained we get more influential as parents when we are gentle, yet firm. When we’re calm while we set boundaries or handle discipline. Grace and truth is a powerful combination.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Did your mother ever tell you to save for a rainy day? So, did Solomon.Many people struggle financially, in part because they are in debt and living paycheck to paycheck while buying cars and devices they can’t afford. Well, in Proverbs 27 Solomon encourages us to adopt a wise financial strategy. Know the condition of your flocks, he begins. Give attention to managing what you have, for riches he continued, do not last forever. Don’t waste what you have. Set some aside for a rainy day so when conditions deteriorate, you and your family will not be in need.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
One voice worth listening to is the voice of experience.We asked our social media readers in what way they underestimated how living in a stepfamily would be hard on their marriage. Nicole said, I didn’t know how hard it would be to deal with another household. Stepmom Brittany and her husband have struggled to unite their parenting styles. And the eight kids in Kari’s home are all grieving a deceased parent. What’s the point? As Christina said, Rely on Jesus to sustain you. And, then she thanked us for helping her anticipate the challenges.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
You know, when it comes to faults, we all have them.One of the slippery slopes in life is focusing on the imperfections of others because we lose track of our own. We get critical and judgmental and prideful. What we need to do is remember. Who can say, declares Proverbs 20:9, that I have made my heart pure; I am clean from sin. Answer: Nobody! Your heart and mine need to frequently recall our quirks, our mess ups, and all that we’ve been forgiven so we can find humility and be softer and more compassionate with others.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Do you know your heart?In the Bible Proverbs 27:19 says, the heart of man reflects the man. It’s the heart of a persontheir mind, their passions, what they value in lifethat makes it clear what someone is really about. Our world judges on the outside but God looks on the heart and so should we. Especially our own heart. We have this uncanny ability to fool ourselves and get so wrapped up in doing we forget to ask what that reveals about our passions and values. So let’s ask, What does my heart reflect about me?To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
At the birth of Christ were there any unsung heroes?Joseph married a woman of questionable reputation, lost his reputation in the process, and became a stepfather. He had to move to an unfamiliar place sacrificing his career then drift off the pages of history. It cost him everything to faithfully love and care for Jesus. Then Jesus grew up and taught that following him costs everything. "Deny yourself and take up your cross," he said. Joseph could relate. The cost for him was great and it will be for us, but in losing ourselves we find life.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
What’s the best thing a father can do for his children?If you believe the old adage, the answer is love their mother because together they provide a healthy environment for their children. Is that also true for stepfathers? Well, in the beginning a stepfather is, in effect, taking the mother away from the kids at least that’s the way it feels to them. But eventually, when the family has had time to bond and connect, the answer is yes. A loving marriage at first puts the kids in a jam, but eventually becomes the glue that holds the family together.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Healthy co-parenting is hard. So, is it worth all the hard work?Co-parenting is increasingly common these days. When we get it right, there are a lot of benefits. It reduces loyalty conflicts in children. It decreases resentment between homes, making it emotionally safer for kids to move back and forth. It improves the psychological well-being of children. It fosters cooperative parenting, which means kids can’t play one home against the other. And it reduces stress in a couple’s relationship, strengthening their marriage. I’d say it’s well worth it.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
How do you prevent divorce in the next generation?You do that by preventing divorce in their parents. Children of divorce are less confident about the idea of marriage, often choose cohabitation over marriage, and are themselves 89% more likely to divorce when they get married. What do you do for kids who have already experienced divorce? Give them a healthy marriage model. You prevent divorce in the next generation by preventing redivorce in this generation. Healthy stepcouples lead by example which is reparative and that breaks the cycle.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Diligence secures a reward.Proverbs 27 says, "Whoever tends a fig tree, will eat its fruit. Apparently, faithful diligence brings reward. Now, that’s a speech we want to tell our kids before they go to college. And, one we need to give ourselves when we have a prodigal child. Or are looking for a job or struggling with a bad habit. In faithfulness, keep tending to the treethe relationship or situationseason after season. It may not bring quick reward or bear the exact fruit you want, but reward it likely will bring.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Never let your parenting be held hostage.Single parents and stepfamily parents know that their parenting is affected by how the other home parents. If they say, Yes to something you said, No to, you start rethinking your decisions. The fear of what an ex might do can paralyze you. Pray for courage to press in despite what the other home is doing. Keep your balance and practice good parenting. Trust that providing consistent boundaries and love over time will make all the difference.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Are you standing upfor the kid right next to you?We’ll fly around the world to aid children suffering from war or poverty, but we'll do nothing when it’s a kid across the street. Rarely will Christians speak up for someone else’s child caught in ongoing battles between their homes. We don’t want to get into their business but we should do something. Respectfully, but assertively ask a parent who bad-mouths the other home and puts their child in the middle as a spy to stop. If it’s about a child, it’s not just their business, it’s ours.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
If you’re a single parent or dating one, here’s a dating myth to avoid.A new marriage does not restore the original family, it forms a different family. It doesn’t give back to your kids a missing parent; it gives them a stepparent and a parenting team that is very different than the biological family system they were born into. Don’t get me wrong, a stepfamily may work well for your kids but don’t decide to marry based on a myth. Blended families are not repaired first families; they are different families with their own dynamics, challenges, and rewards.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Patient investing, over a long period of time, usually pays off big!Proverbs 21 says, The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty." Good planning and hard work lead to a profit but shortcuts risk everything. This principle applies to more than just money. Think about the diligence it takes to finish school or build a career. Healthy friendships and family relationships take dedication, too. Blended families, especially, require good planning, hard work, and patience. Those that do that reap a big payoff.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Yeah, parental unity is a really good idea. But can co-parents, living in two different homes, find parental unity?Yes, but it’s uncommon. Co-parents rarely coordinate their parenting styles, but when they can keep their expectations and discipline strategies in line, children benefit from the consistent boundaries and can’t play one home off the other. So, parents, how do you get there? Read the same parenting book, attend the same class, and if necessary, have a parent coordinator help you get on the same page. It’ll take some work, but when you find agreement, it’s a huge blessing for your child.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
If you’re a single parent or dating one, here’s a dating myth to avoid.This myth believes children raised in single-parent homes have deficits that will be erased if they are instead raised in a two-parent stepfamily home. Well, actually the research is clear: Children raised in single-parent homes do just as well as kids raised in stepfamily homes. So, when it comes to the well-being of your children, it’s okay to stay single. If you meet someone who is a good fit for you and your kids, great. If you don’t, great. Either way God will provide.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Clarence, the angel from It’s a Wonderful Life, says, No man is a failure who has friends.And I would add, someone with friends finds it easier not to be a failure. At some point, all of us need support from friends. We pray and seek God’s wisdom and try to rest in his care, but even then, it’s good to have someone standing beside you when life is tough. I see this with blended family couples with stressful circumstances. If they can vent to a friend or small group and find support, they can keep going and get some lift to their wings. Atta boy, Clarence!To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Ok, kids, listen up. A critical heart toward your stepparent can bring you a lot of pain.Proverbs 20 says, If one curses his father or mother, his lamp will be put out in utter darkness. In the ancient world father and mother could mean dad or mom, grandfather or grandmother, or another caretaker like stepmother. Here’s the deal. Being disrespectful toward a parent or stepparent makes the lamp of your happiness go dark. That doesn’t sound good does it? How much better, for you and your family, to choose cooperation and respect. That will make your lamp of happiness shine bright.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Hmmm. Second wife, first ornaments.For blended families, along with the good of holiday traditions, comes resurrected grief and reminders to new stepfamily members that they weren’t first. For example, what does a second wife do with ornaments that say First Christmas or Mommy? Laura Petherbridge in her stepfamily devotional, Seeking a Silent Night suggests asking your husband and stepchildren what they want to do with them or save them until they get older. By honoring their relationship with their mom, you honor them.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
Does your child live between two homes? When attending their activities, follow these event-etiquette guidelines.Kids love when their parents attend their recitals, concerts, and sporting events but not if co-parents make it stressful. So, mind your etiquette. Sit where you feel comfortable and be respectful to the other parent. After the event, let your child hug or talk to each parent no matter who has visitation. To keep the event safe for everyone, don’t discuss parenting matters otherwise it turns a recital into a business conversation. Let the moment be about celebrating your child.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
If you’re a single parent or dating one, here’s a dating myth to avoid.Our culture tries to convince us that personal happiness is at the center of life. For example, the divorce culture says, If I’m not happy in my marriage why should I have to stay? and single parents sometimes think, If I’m in love and happy, my kids will be happy, too. But there is no guarantee your romance will improve the lives of your children; in fact, your happiness can bring great unhappiness to your kids. So pursue romance but carefully consider how it’s impacting your children.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
You know, sometimes the best thing you can do with the Bible, is live it.Ask yourself as you listen to Colossians 3 how to live out these words today in your own home. clothe yourselves for compassion, perhaps for a friend. Kindness, in a relationship. Gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts and be thankful.To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29
So, what do you think, do we grieve well?
First, no, we don’t grieve well as a society. It’s un-American to sit in our sorrow. And second, we think we have dealt with the past. That’s one reason people marry quickly again after a divorce or being widowed only to discover that grief is waiting for them on the other side of the wedding and the kids are grieving, too. And, now are resentful of your quick turnaround marriage. Look, grief needs your full attention. Don’t act like it doesn’t.
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Were there any rituals at your wedding?
Many modern stepfamily weddings include the Blending of the Family Sands ceremony in which each adult and child pours a vase of sand into a larger vase signifying the new family. The sand symbolizes the couple's journey into love, but it’s just the beginning for the kids and the entire family. The ceremony doesn’t create familynesslife does. Remain dedicated to the process of merging your sand while you embrace your evolving mosaic as a family. Pour yourself in and trust God with the process.
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When the road gets long, just keep going.
It’s not true for all but some stepfamilies tell me they feel like Moses and the Israelites leaving Egypt for the Promised Land. They left something horrible but it's taking longer to get there than they thought. Besides, they’re carrying baggage and when children slow their progress, they wonder if they should have stayed in Egypt. So begins the grumbling and complaining. But I say, like the Israelites, God is leading your journey. In your weariness, trust Him, and He’ll see you through.
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Never satisfied are the eyes of man.
When Proverbs 27 in the Bible says the eyes of people are never satisfied, it is warning us against being hungry for more wealth. But it’s not just wealth you’ll want more of. You’ll want your spouse to be more like your friend’s spouse. Of course, you don’t know what life is really like on the inside. This could be said about your children, your job, or your clothes. Eyes that are never satisfied are blinded by envy and jealousy. Find joy in what you have and trust God for what you really need.
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Ever had someone thankful for you?
Well, I have. And it feels good. And what if they thanked God for you? That really feels good because they see in some eternal sense that God has brought a blessing to them through you. In the Bible Paul expressed thanksgiving to God for his spiritual family because he held them close in his heart, Philippians says. Maybe we should do the same. This Thanksgiving tell the people you value most how thankful to God you are for them. You need to say it and they need to hear it.
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Do you want a good marriage? Start by doing some math.
Marital researcher John Gottman found that healthy long-term couple relationships maintain a 5 to 1 ratio of positives to negatives. In other words, they make five deposits for every one withdrawal. For every act of selfishness, there is one act of kindness and sacrifice. You know, no one puts money in your financial bank but you and if you don’t invest, you’ll have nothing for the future. The same is true for your marriage. Besides, the dividends you get in return are well worth the investment.
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Most families have some unwritten codes of conduct and you better abide by them.
We all know the unwritten rules and most of us abide by them. You don’t talk about dad’s bathroom habits or post pictures of mom’s morning hair. But what if a child, an inside man if you will, is telling your secrets to their other home and it’s hurting your relationship. Get direct. Hey, because I love you and want to trust you, I need to ask you to stop. My article, Telling Secrets, gives more details about this. But bottom line: don’t be passive, speak up. Your family is worth it.
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You want to be a blessing to your children, right? Well here’s how.
According to Proverbs 20:7, Walking with integrity blesses our children. When we walk with God we teach our children a wisdom that informs their life. But catch this. Even in a difficult situation with one of your kids like if a child is rebelling, or stress is fracturing your family, or if you’re a stepparent and the child is completely closed to you, even then you can always bring the gift of righteousness to the child. Your integrity has the power to influence them for good.
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Moving between homes is stressful for kids. One antidote is a smooth transition.
A smooth transition helps kids feel safe to be themselves. They’re not pawns between waring nations. "I try to have a good attitude, said Cindy, but I can’t help but come unglued if my ex-husband looks at me wrong. Ah, therein lies part of the problem. Cindy makes the transition about her instead of about her children. I’m glad that Cindy is aware of her vulnerability, but she has to grow beyond it. Make the transition smoother for your children by making it about them, not you.
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A French poet once said, A brother is a friend given by nature. Well, what if the brother was given by marriage?
Millions of Americans have a half-sibling or stepsibling and like full-siblings, the ties that bind vary from close to distant. But parents and stepparents can foster stronger bonds between half and stepsiblings by helping kids come together around common interests. Time spent playing a game or cheering for one another’s extracurricular activities are a good start. But eventually, they’ll have to figure out their relationship. In the meantime, encourage them to love each other by loving them.
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No, Ron, I would never ask the kids to choose between us.
Close to 40% of kids in the U.S. live between separated or divorced parents and generally those parents know not to ask their child to choose between them. You would never do that, right? But, inadvertently, you might bewhen you talk out loud about between home disagreements, invade the other’s home time with the kids with text messages, or when you make the children feel guilty for enjoying life in the other home. All of these ask kids to choose. It’s not a competition. Just love your kids.
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On his way out the door, he looked me in the eye and said, Take care of your marriage.
This friend of mine had come to FamilyLife for a series of meetings. He’s well aware that I’m a family author, conference speaker, and a licensed marriage and family therapist with nearly three decades of experience, but still he said to me, Take care of your marriage. I really respect him for it. None of us are immune to temptation or has a resume that will allow us to get relationally lazy. Protecting our marriage and family relationships demands diligence, intentionality, and God’s wisdom.
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Do you want to rise above the clutter? Walk your talk.
Many people claim things about themselves and make promises but few people live up to them. It’s always been that way. Proverbs 20 warns us that many people profess their loyalty and kindness, but few are faithful to it. That was the norm. That’s why today as people who reflect Christ to the world we should strive, in this case, to be abnormal. Don’t make promises you can’t keep and be honest and faithful in your business practices and dealings with friends and family. Walk your talk.
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For military stepfamilies combat is not the only battle they face.
Not all blended families face the same challenges. Stepfamilies in the military face life in 3D: Frequent moves create distance between children and their parent; deployments may force stepparents to take on a full-time parenting role before they’re ready; and the demands of military life create stress in the home. That’s why FamilyLife Blended is pleased to work with the Military Ready Stepfamily. On this Veteran’s Day: we thank you for fighting for us, and we’re fighting for you.
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Hovering, overbearing parents squash kids.
Hovering parents, sometimes called helicopter parents, stay on top of their kids. When are you going to get your homework done? Did you take out the trash yet? You may be trying to teach responsibility but you’re really telling the kids they aren’t capable. That’s debilitating and when it comes from a stepparent, it’s even worse. It short circuits your developing relationship and makes you feel unsafe to be around. To build up a child coach them from the side, not force them from the top.
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So, are we family or are we not?
God is relational and we, as his image-bearers, also, have a deep need for connection. So, when a child can’t win a parent’s approval, a spouse feels unimportant to their partner, or when a stepcouple feels like their family isn’t coming together; anxiety and fear set in. Essentially they are asking, Am I important to you or not? and that question adds to what gets in the way of finding connection. It’s much better to act out of your love for them than worry about their love for you.
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I just voted, and it feels great.
Not every day is election day but on that day it’s great to be able to cast my vote. To be heard is a privilege. Families are not democracies. Parents, stepparents, grandparents, whoever are the unelected leaders but they’re not dictators either. Wise is the parent who helps each family member find a way to have a voice. It’s not a vote, parents are still parents, but an opportunity to be heard. Listen to each other, share, discuss, and at times debate. Above all, talk to God and listen to Him.
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Is alcohol abuse alive and well in your home? If so, it’s time to send it packing.
According to Proverbs 20, overindulging in wine and strong drink turns us into fools, creates conflict, and leads us astray. But the drinker is not the only one led astray. Think about the kids in the home. We all know drugs and alcohol can affect any family, but kids from divorced or separated homes and stepfamilies are five times as likely to live with someone with a substance abuse problem. I’m not casting stones; I just want to encourage you: if this is your family, please get help.
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Hey Ron, are step families and adoptive families similar? Adoptive parents and stepparents alike have to bond with kids by developing trust, learning how to read each other, and sharing life together. And they all learn that the pain of the past can’t be avoided. You can hope the past will not affect the bonding process but both families understand that avoiding pain and pretending it doesn’t matter, doesn’t get you anywhere, but moving through pain together does. Consider the past and build a relationship in the present are how you forge a family.
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Quick judgements often lead to foolish responses. With little information we make quick judgments about the motives of politicians, celebrities, and our children. Proverbs 20 applies to all people but it certainly offers parents and stepparents wisdom. The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, it says, but a man of understanding draws them out. A wise parent probes with questions, listens, and slowly determines what motivated a child’s actions. Then they respond, not just to the outward behavior but to the character they seek to shape.
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Parents, what’s your role when it comes to your kids and the other parent? Whether you’re married and raising your kids together, or you have a co-parent who lives in the other home, or maybe there’s a stepparent who lives with you; I’m wondering, are you a defender--speaking up for one side or the other or an interpreter who tries to translate and bridge the gap between the other two. You can play either one of these roles some of the time but don’t get stuck in them all of the time. And, as much as you can, stand with your spouse. Be united.
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Okay, let’s face it some people are just easier to forgive than others. The ease with which we forgive others is in part determined by the size of the offense and who it is, right? Many consider their ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, or ex-spouse an enemy. Jesus specifically told us to pray for our enemies, even more to love them. One great way to love them is to forgive them, just as the Lord has forgiven you. Maybe pray this, Lord, in response to your forgiving mercy, give me a grateful heart, so much so, that I am able to forgive those who have hurt me. Amen.
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How do you maintain parental unity when you disagree? Well-intentioned, good-hearted parents disagree sometimes. But what do you do if one of you has already taken action? What you don’t do is make critical comments in front of the kids about how the other handled it. Or even worse, reverse the decision. Instead have a parent meeting behind closed doors, and listen. Find out why they did what they did. Then share your thoughts about what might happen next time. Parenting is a live-and-learn experience. Just make sure you live and learn together.
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Parents really must work together. So, here’s another tip for maintaining your parental unity.
There are many ways to handle parenting decisions and supporting one another is important. When in doubt call a parental meeting and get on the same page. It’s fine to say to a child, hey, let me get back to you, and then have a quick conversation with your spouse about how you’d like to handle it. Stepparents who are unsure of their role benefit from a quick check in too. When a mom or dad takes time to check in with them, it speaks volumes to the children about respecting the stepparent.
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Now here’s another no-brainer about blended families: adding a stepparent to the parenting team is bound to change something.
When things change maintain your parental unity by letting the biological parent communicate the change in rule. Sometimes a stepparent’s authority is naturally questioned by kids. When things are changing they really need to hear from their mom or dad. Have a parent meeting to discuss what the new rule is and how you’re going to communicate it and then stand side by side as the biological parent does much of the talking. It is vitally important that you maintain a united front.
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Your strength in parenting comes in part from your unity as a team.
Parenting was meant to be a team sport. Here is the first rule to maintaining your parental unity. Be proactive. Don’t wait until problems occur to discuss your expectations, punishment, and how you’ll build character in your kids. That sounds like a no-brainer, but about half of stepfamily couples are parenting on the fly never discussing their parenting strategies. You have to work hard to get on the same parenting page and it’s important that you do. United you stand, but divided they fall.
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Fighting barriers in your marriage? Well, here’s another tip for reducing the cholesterol in your marital heart: Adapt to life, as needed.
Life throws us curves and when it does flexible people find a way to adapt. Cholesterol free couples get creative in handling their differences or compromise to work through a disagreement. They will change themselves in order to grow through a circumstance. But the cholesterol of rigidity and stubbornness keeps other couples stuck. They won't change or consider another point of view. Do you want a healthy blended marriage? Ask God to give you a flexible heart and be willing to adapt together.
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All this week we’re talking about reducing the cholesterol in your marital heart. Today’s tip: Spend regular leisure time together.
You know everybody needs to relax. Well, healthy blended family couples make time for individual leisure activities and activities they can do together. Unhappy couples tend to just have individual interest but nothing they share. The cool thing is you get to define what's leisure to you and your spouse. It might be exercising together or reading and discussing a book or sky diving for that matter. Whatever is fun and enjoyable for you feeds your marriage.
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All this week we’ve been talking about reducing the cholesterol in your marriage. Today’s tip: Deal with problems as they arise.
Hi, I’m Ron, and I’m a natural conflict avoider. Yes, I know this isn’t a 12-step group but if you’re like me you’d rather avoid conflict than deal with it. My research clearly shows that stepfamily couples who struggle are more likely to avoid their issues which just builds resentment. But healthy couples deal with problems as they arise by taking seriously the process of solving those problems together. All couples have conflict. The question is: is it managing you or are you managing it?
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We all know that high cholesterol is bad for you, right? Well, here is another tip for reducing the cholesterol in your marital heart. Be a really good listener.
Listening is one of the most important and, honestly, one of the most difficult skills of marriage. It's hard to listen beneath your spouse’s words to how they feel and what the statement really means to them. All while not making assumptions or listening through a filter of what it means to you. Good listeners work really hard at understanding their spouse. Do you want a healthy blended marriage? Listening will help you love large with your whole heart, cholesterol free.
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High Cholesterol is bad for your body, right. Well here’s a tip for reducing the cholesterol in your marital heart: Double check your attitude.
Research clearly shows that unhappy couples in blended families are moody, controlling, and stubborn. But vibrant couples are considerate of one another and sacrificial. Each lives and loves on behalf of their Usness. Healthy marriages are made in part by two people who are mindful that what they say and do and how they act each day contributes either to a healthy Usness or takes away from it. Do you want a healthy blended marriage? Love large with your whole heart, cholesterol free.
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Learning to be a good parent, in part, means knowing what not to do.
Have you ever felt clueless as a parent? I have. It’s tempting to fall back on criticism, name-calling, yelling, or pleading with the child. Or to be the threatening-repeating parent who says, You better not, or else, but it's just empty threats. These strategies get the job done but long term, they defeat your child’s spirit and ruin your authority as a parent--especially as a stepparent. Take time to learn about good parenting and stepparenting. The next generation is depending on you.
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Kids in stepfamilies go through a lot. Which is one reason their parent can become overprotective.
A stepdad I know said, My wife is so protective of her kids. She blocks me from asking them to do things and goes behind my back. When your child has been through a lot you want to protect them. But when you continually guide, guard, and direct the stepparent or defend your kids at all costs, you cause a new set of problems and ironically, hurt your kids. When you treat them as fragile you keep them fragile. If you really want to help your kids, be their parent, not their overprotector.
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Our God is a God of reconciliation. And any time we can reconcile a relationship, it’s a good thing.
Sometimes the tragic journey through the death of a parent or divorce, into a single parent home, and then into a stepfamily home can push a child and their parent far apart. Later if they try to heal their relationship it actually might be the stepparent who is the most hesitant to see them reconnect. Stepparents, you have many good reasons to be cautious but reconciliation is a good thing for all involved. Just remember, Christ is in the reconciliation business and as his disciples so are we.
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On Facebook, Amanda, a single mother of two, wants to know how she can date a man well and set her future stepfamily up for success.
Well, Amanda, move emotionally toward your kids while seriously dating someone. The natural tendency is to only move emotionally toward your dating partner. Move toward both. Your kid's motivation to embrace the person you’re dating comes through their relationship with you. You are the gateway to that person. If your kids feel like they are losing you, why would they be motivated to accept them? Watching you date is hard enough. So move toward your kids and remind them that you’re still there.
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Alright parents, I’m wondering: would you rather parent half-heartedly and hope it blesses your kids, or parent well and know that it will?
You see what I did there? I gave you a choice. And, that’s a good way to train children. Beginning as early as you can give them choices and let them experience the blessing or difficulties of that choice. Would you rather clean your room or pay your sister with your allowance to do it for you? Would you rather help cook dinner or help clean up? Helping with dinner is a given, but how the child helps is up to them. Giving choices invites cooperation and trains kids to think for themselves.
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Well, here it is parents. The single best discipline strategy known to mankind.
The best way to shape a child’s behavior is to notice them doing what you want and call attention to it. Catch them doing something right. Compliments put a smile on your face and encourage you, right? Build others up, the Bible commends in Ephesians 4:29, that it may benefit those who listen. Well, children benefit greatly when you applaud them. Stepparents, when you compliment a child you get the added benefit of strengthening your relationship with the child. Double-bonus!
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Soooo, how strong is your flexibility muscle?
Like a pair of Olympic ice-skaters, your family needs strength and stability to lean on each other but flexibility to bend, spin, or move in sequenced motion. Just like that, parents should have consistent expectations for their children, but adjust their expectations as they grow. Couples need clear values to manage spending money, but they need to flex when life demands a shift in financial priorities. Blended families need parents to be strong leaders who know when to bend and when not to.
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Parenting is challenging at times. So, here’s a discipline tip for parents and stepparents: Connect the dots.
It’s important to help children connect their choices with the consequences that follow. If a child spills their milk they should clean it up. If they agree to finish their chores before supper but don’t they shouldn’t get to eat until they finish. If they intentionally stay out past their curfew they should be docked double the time. It’s really not difficult and there’s no screaming required (or recommended). Just a firm, loving follow-through that connects the dots. They’ll learn.
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Ron, I never thought I’d say this, but my 67-year-old mom has a boyfriend.
Yes, adult children have thought about their parent dating again, but once it’s real, it’s just bizarre. Sometimes their roles change. The child becomes the dating coach, telling their parent how to ask for a date and to guard against sexual temptation. Ewww. And all the while the child is feeling frightened about how the family’s going to change again. Yes, many questions will need answers. So neither generation should make any assumptions. This is a family matter and you need to talk.
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If you want to love someone well, be a gentle-servant.
Jesus washing his disciple’s feet in John 13 in the Bible is such a profound picture of love. And it really is simple: When you pay a compliment to a child, you’re washing their feet. When you serve your spouse, you’re washing their feet. When you put on self-control and calmly respond in a heated moment, you’re washing someone’s feet. When you stand firm in your commitments, even in the midst of discouragement, you’re washing feet. And in so doing, you are loving as Jesus loved.
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Is your family communication filtered or unfiltered?
In this digital age we have many communication filtering options. Say your mobile phone rings, but you let it go to voicemail. You listen to the message and reply with a text. That’s filtering. This has pros and cons. For blended families, filtering can help reduce conflict in strained relationships. But if new family members don’t stop filtering they’ll never develop a genuine relationship. The way to add depth is to actually talk and hang out in person. That throwback idea needs a comeback.
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This is ironic, in today’s digital world we’re more connected and disconnected than ever before.
Jealousy and envy are at an all-time high in our culture. Why? Because the daily highlight reel of social media makes everyone else’s life look perfect. So, while we’re seemingly more connected to other people’s lives, we distance ourselves in envy because our lives don’t compete. The way to truly connect between families and within your family is through transparency. Find the courage to give your family and friends a chance to love the real you; and see if they don’t return the favor.
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In biological families, when a husband and wife move toward each other, they bring their children with them.
Children are blessed when mom and dad love each other and spend time together. But in the beginning in a stepfamily it’s different. When a parent and stepparent spend time together children sometimes feel pushed aside. This naturally puts the biological parent in the middle. That’s a big difference between biological families and blended families. But what’s the same is how God’s instruction to extend grace and apply patience to relationships softens the competition and brings people together.
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Sometimes life throws you a curve.
My five-year-old daughter adored Mike. They had a great connection and things were going well. But of course, the night before the wedding, she says, I don’t want you to marry Mike. I was blindsided. What’s going on here? I interviewed Kim Anderson and her husband, Mike, for the FamilyLife Blended podcast. Boy did life throw them a curve. It’s fairly common for the weight of a new marriage to cause hiccups in kids. Don’t panic, just reassure them as you walk through adjustments together.
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When you get stuck, ask someone to pull you out.
When you struggle how do you know if you need help from an outside source? One indication is you rehash the same territory. One woman wrote that for years her husband talked about his former wife: what went right or wrong, why she left, and how it affected the kids. Clearly he’s stuckand the comparisons to his former wife are taxing their relationship. If you keep walking in circles and can’t step out of the rut, it’s time to talk to a counselor or pastor. Free yourself and your new family.
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Ron, he has nothing to do with them. He has completely shut down toward my kids.
I think foster parents and stepparents are heroes because they sacrificially chose to love, provide for, and raise a child not their own, sometimes in difficult circumstances. That’s why it pains me when I hear about a stepparent who is M.I.A. It’s rare, but some refuse to help pay for college, spend one-on-one time with the kids, or to even emotionally engage at all. Hey, when you married the parent you married the package. Don't miss this great opportunity. Bring the gift of you to a child.
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Someone once said that being nagged is like being nibbled to death by a duck.
Well, it seems the book of Proverbs agrees because five times it makes reference to a quarrelsome spouse who is like a continual dripping of rain, it says. Apparently nagging is like water torture. Why do people nag? Because they are unhappy with something. But the question is, does nagging work? Well, in the short term it might get you what you want but in the long run, it won’t get you what you need: peace and harmony in your relationships. So please, stop nagging.
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Now, as far as national days go, Mother’s Day and Thanksgiving I get. But Bologna Day?
There’s Fruitcake Toss Day; Learn Your Name in Morse Code Day; Chocolate Cake Day (I’m an advocate for that one); Work Naked Day (I’m not an advocate for that one); Talk Like Yoda Day; and No Rhyme or Reason Day. If you ask me most of these days have no rhyme or reason. For example, today, September 16 is Collect Rocks Day, Guacamole Day, and National Stepfamily Day. Hey, blended families, today’s your day. So, get out there and collect some rocks, eat guacamole, and celebrate!
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Have you ever felt like you married the wrong person? Well, I say, you did.
When people tell me they married the wrong person, I say we all married the wrong person. You really didn’t know what you needed when you chose who you chose. Now, assuming you want to become who you need to become to love who you chose, by God’s grace, you’ll discover you married the right person. They were the wrong person for who you were, but the right person for who you are becoming in Christ. You picked better than you knewsomeone who could love someone like you.
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Really? Jesus learned obedience?
When the writer of Hebrews 5 said Jesus learned obedience through what he suffered, he wasn’t suggesting Jesus was disobedient. He’s suggesting an obedient Jesus demonstrated a deeper understanding of the value of obedience through practicing it when he was tempted. Marriage and family relationships allow us the chance to practice obedience even when we’re tempted not to. We can choose to forgive when hurt and love even when taken for granted and in practicing obedience we mature in Christ.
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Wouldn’t it be great if standing on the truth guaranteed being loved for it?
Jesus spoke the truth, lovingly. Some people followed, while others hated himeven killed himfor it. A friend lovingly stood up for truth and righteousness in her marriage and her husband left her. Then, to add insult to injury, her church leadership judged her for it. She could have ignored his hard, unrepentant heart and preserved the relationship at the cost of truth, but what kind of disciple does that? My point? Righteousness naturally sets boundaries that we should not be quick to judge.
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What if your stepdaughter is the other woman?
Her social media post was clear. We are divorcing because he’s more committed to his daughter than our marriage. The other woman, so to speak, in this situation was a child. But the impact was the same as an affair. Typically when a parent favors their child over their spouse they are either overly responsible for their child’s emotional wellbeing, afraid to trust again, or both. If that’s you, love both your spouse and your child, but get your allegiance straight.
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Yes, Ron, this marriage and family are much better than my first and I feel guilty about it.
It sounds odd but that’s what some divorced and remarried people feel. The church doesn’t help when we’re condescending. The message is, You had a failed marriage so you’re a failure and you don’t deserve to be happy. What? I thought there was no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. I think we’re all relying on that one. Yes, sin is dark and has consequences in this life. But that doesn’t mean a repentant heart can’t rest in the warmth of God’s mercy and grace. Shame free.
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Help me. My family is falling apart.
Kathy's 20 year-old and 16 year-old daughters didn’t get along with their stepfather and their dad didn’t have any relationship with them. It’s just a mess, she said. But I still have faith God will work this out. Kathy, I’m sorry things are difficult right now. There’s no easy fix so I’m not going to belittle your circumstances with simplistic advice. Keep investing in your marriage because it's the foundation that allows you to rebuild your home. And, keep praying and don’t give up.
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Wise stepparents honor their stepchildren’s past.
When Victoria married a widower with four kids she applied this advice and it paid off. When they moved her furniture into his house she noticed how uprooted the kids felt, so she made changes cautiously. First, the kitchen but their mother’s items were distributed or saved for each child. Then she waited five years to re-do the living room. And now, after seven years, for Christmas she gifted each child with a photo of their family of origin and the current stepfamily. Now, that’s wisdom.
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They just don’t get it, Ron. Stepfamilies are not the same.
That comment came from a couple who had been to two pastors and multiple counselors for help with their marriage and blended family, but no one could help because they didn’t understand the differences in stepfamilies. So, I’m going to contrast how biological families and stepfamilies are different and the same. Why do that? Because if you’re a ministry leader, your program needs to adapt. And if you’re a stepparent or a future stepparent, you need to know how to approach your role differently.
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A pre-nup. You want us to do a pre-nup?
Financial planners often encourage pre-stepfamily couples to get a prenuptial agreement, but that feels like you’re planning for a divorce. A much better way is something I call "A Shared Covenant Agreement which helps stepfamily couples manage their daily expenses, discuss insurance and retirement, and do estate planning for their children and each other. It builds confidence in how money will be used in your complex family. Don’t let money issues divide you; instead finance togetherness.
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Is your family playing the game of Lock Out?
Normally seeking forgiveness brings restoration but what if in pride the person you forgave is offended? What do you do? Because reconciliation requires two people and forgiveness only one, you can still forgive the person in your heart and treat them as forgiven but you can’t restore the relationship. Don’t argue over whether forgiveness was necessary. Release your resentment for the offense and love them. Who knows? Eventually, responding with a merciful heart might soften their pride.
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Do you want to start a fight in a stepfamily with adult kids? Just start talking about money.
Money matters really tap into the best and worst of us. In stepfamilies, sometimes it reveals differing emotional connections and loyalty issues. We hear from stepparents who feel pushed out when their adult stepchild asks their parent to add their name to the checking account or life insurance; and from those who discover their spouse has loaned money to an adult child without their knowledge. Hey, there’s no room for secrets or emotional games in blended families especially between spouses.
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Sometimes announcing an engagement is an opportunity to find forgiveness.
Transitions in life naturally create opportunities for healing. Becoming a parent helps you forgive your parents because now you understand how hard parenting is. Likewise divorced parents may not fully understand how hurt their children were by the divorce until they announce a new marriage. Okay parents, instead of getting defensive about the past, recognize that this transition has created an opportunity to listen to your kids’ hurt, ask for forgiveness, and heal your relationship.
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Ron, this is so hard for me to relate to. I’ve never experienced a blended family. Well, maybe you have.
I meet people who can’t relate to stepfamilies because they’ve never lived in one. Well, you’re part of a church, right? Many churches look and feel like stepfamilies. They have a diverse membership from a variety of theological and ethnic backgrounds seeking a common worship style, belief, and practice. Or, when a church changes pastors they get a new stepparent, so to speak, with a different style that some welcome and others resent. Maybe you know more about blended families than you think.
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What good is a trust without trust?
The problem mom initially brought up was whether the stepdad would help pay for her daughter's college. Mom thought he should; he thought the daughter’s education trust was enough. When I dug a little deeper, I learned there were trust issues in the marriage. Ironically, they had a trust for their child, but they didn’t trust each other. Blended family finances are tricky. You’ll never get good above-the-surface financial solutions if there are unresolved below-the-surface trust issues.
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Sometimes, to settle an argument, flip a coin.
I know that sounds simplistic, but the Bible in Proverbs 18:18 has practical guidance for solving a problem. Casting the lot settles disputes and keeps strong opponents apart. Apparently adding chance to the equation gets you beyond the impasse. Hey, Rock, Paper, Scissors settled fights between my kids about who goes first! And, going second taught our kids about delaying their wants, considering the needs of others, and being less selfish. Now, there’s a life lesson for us adults, too.
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Okay, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.
I always try to get parents and stepparents to understand kids better so they’ll be more patient with them and agents of healing for them. Proverbs 19:11 says, Good sense makes one slow to anger. Children in stepfamilies have been through a lot. That doesn’t excuse their behavior, but making sense of it is vital if you’re going to know how to respond. Like, seeing sadness behind a child’s frustration. That insight will add compassion to your response and that changes everything for a child.
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To make a friend, be gentle-respectful.
Let’s say you got a new neighbor and I told you to make a new friend. What would you NOT do? Well, you wouldn’t barge your way into their home uninvited and declare yourself their new BFF. No, you’d enter when you’re invited. Stepparents need to be gentle-respectful of the boundaries of kids; meet them where they are. If the door is wide open, step on in. If they keep it shut, talk through the door until they open it. You can’t force friendship, but you can grow it one step at a time.
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In stepfamilies, be gentle and respectful.
In blended families biological parents need to be Gentle-Respectful of the concerns of their spouse, the stepparent. Automatically shutting them down with, No, my kids aren’t disrespectful to you behind my back isn’t helpful. In fact, it’s dangerous. Your spouse has a different perspective so listen, consider, empathize. Then figure out what to do. Also, be Gentle-Respectful toward the caregivers in your child’s other home. Respect their time, their space, their authority, their relationships.
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Do you want to be strong? Be gentle-strong.
Jesus said in Matthew 11:29, Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Jesus was gentle in how he dealt with unbelieving people; fickle apostles; especially the downtrodden but he wasn’t weak. He was strong, but his presentation of strength was gentle. In the same way, strive to be gentle, not harsh when dealing with a child. Be gentle-strong.
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Yeah, Ron, I guess I got whooped by a 9-year-old.
Tim was reflecting on his marriage and how it had ended in divorce. We had talked about how the health of a stepfamily marriage is intertwined with the overall health of the entire family. In his case, he and his wife couldn’t agree on how to parent her 9-year-old son. Now let me be clear, couples in first marriages can lose their relationship to the kids, too. But parent matters can rapidly divide a stepfamily couple. So if someone you know is struggling encourage them to find parental unity.
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Why would you jump out of a perfectly good airplane?
Once, during a flight, the pilot came on and said, We’re experiencing some turbulence and have turned on the fasten seat belt sign for your protection. If you get out of your seat and break your arm, it’s on your nickel. While we didn’t appreciate his tone, we did value the caution. Okay, anyone trying to blend a stepfamily should heed this caution, Buckle your seatbelts and remain seated. The ride may be bumpy for a while, but it will smooth out. Press on, and don’t jump out of the plane!
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For many kids the summer visitation schedule is over. It’s time to transition back to the other home.
This is one of those occasions where people are a little sad about leaving, glad about arriving, and perhaps a little confused about how to manage the transition. Initially, a lot of emotion can be bouncing around so give each other some space. Parents, you may be eager to hear about your kid’s summer, but sometimes they need a little adjustment time. Let them tell you when they are ready. And, both of you need a little space to get back into the household routine and prepare for school.
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Hey, we respect you enough to give it to you straight.
Every relationship commitment comes with a cost. Any marriage, for example, that creates a blended family comes with a cost of sorts to the pre-existing relationships. Couples forming blended families naturally romanticize that they can orchestrate family togetherness without any cost of time or energy to the people they love. You can do this with compassion, patience, and empathy and make it easier, or you can force it in ignorance and make it worse. Let us help you manage the blend.
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We are here to help.
It is fun to tell ministry leaders how many resources there now are for blended families. I’m not sure where to start, one leader said. Well, if you want an event we can help you find a speaker. Really? Or if you want a DVD or streaming video series there are options. We have books, articles, and an annual two-day ministry equipping event. No kidding! You don’t have to figure this out alone. And you can make a big difference in your community. Wow, he said, I feel like we can do this.
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Yeah, most couples divorce anyway so if you’re having problems, just accept the inevitable.
That’s not right. It’s based on the belief that half of marriages end in divorce which isn’t true. Actually most couples report they are "somewhat to very happy." But what if you’re not happy? Let me encourage you to stick it out. Research clearly shows that couples who stay together during a time of distress report years later being very happy they did. And stepfamily couples who stay married at least five years discover many rewards just because they didn’t quit. Don't give up!
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Today, a word of encouragement to stepparents: just keep on trucking.
We all do and say childish things. That’s why I love it when someone grows up, gains perspective, and then reflects back on who they were. Jason’s online post is a good example. We’re going to be angry, he said. It doesn’t matter if you’re the best stepdad ever; it’s not your fault. At 15 I felt like something was wrong with me or my mom and it made me mad. But don’t despair, stepparents, we usually come around. Keep on trucking. You make a difference even if your stepchild can’t admit it.
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Are you so bold as to insult God?
Proverbs 17:5 says that when you mock the poor, you insult their Maker. After all, they are made in His image. To disparage them is to speak against God. Have you ever made a passing sarcastic remark about a homeless person? And if you made that remark in front of a child or an unbeliever, you insult God and you make faith less attractive. Look, you may have just given your last ten bucks to a homeless person but at the next corner take kindness out of your wallet. You always have that to give.
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The notion that All you need is love just isn’t true.
Every relationship needs more than just love. It needs faithfulness. Imagine a friend who repeatedly breaks promises, or a spouse who says, I love you with all my heart, then keeps a lover on the side. That won’t work. No faithfulness. No trust. No emotionally safety. No relationship. Faithfulness goes double in blended families because stepfamilies are inherently fragile but trust adds stability and moves you toward love and bonding. Ask yourself, can the people in your life trust you?
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Ron, how do I tell my mom I need to get away from my stepdad?
Mitchell was 18 when he asked that question. His stepfather had been harshly critical and he couldn’t bear it any more. He had provoked him to anger, what the Bible in Ephesians 6:4 warns fathers not to do; now Mitchell wanted to move out, but he knew his mom wouldn’t want him to leave. Look, stepparents, if you have a critical edge to you, you can dig yourself into a hole fast. Kids will tolerate a lot more from a parent, than a stepparent. Gentleness will get you farther in building trust.
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Have you ever had someone get mad at youbecause you forgave them?
Normally seeking forgiveness brings restoration but what if in pride the person you forgave is offended? What do you do? Because reconciliation requires two people and forgiveness only one, you can still forgive the person in your heart and treat them as forgiven but you can’t restore the relationship. Don’t argue over whether forgiveness was necessary. Release your resentment for the offense and love them. Who knows? Eventually, responding with a merciful heart might soften their pride.
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Want to influence someone for good? Speak with the wisdom of God.
Words can push people away or invite them closer. Harsh or critical words will result in people moving away from us but compassionate, insightful words draw them closer. Of course, foolish people are double trouble. They have a closed mind and an open mouth but according to Proverbs 18 wise words are like fresh water from a fountain that just keeps coming. Where do you get wise words? Study God’s word and commit it to heart and you will speak and influence others with the wisdom of God.
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A foolish child will make your soul ache.
Twice in Proverbs 17 the author points out that a foolish child brings grief and bitterness to a parent’s heart. And, in my experience, if there’s a stepparent involved their heart aches, too. They may not fully understand the situation, but they care deeply about the child. Sometimes they want to help. But if the biological parent feels paralyzed to do anything they may block any help. It’s never too late. Come together as parents, find help, and learn ways to fight for the heart of your child.
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When I’m old, who will take care of me?
I don’t have any biological children, Brooke said. I think my adult stepchildren spend time with me only for their dad’s sake. When he dies who will take care of me? Generally, we rely on close family to provide for us as we age. But when there are no biological kids extended family, friends, the church community, and stepchildren are next in line. Orchestrating expectations and preparing for old age take forethought, planning, and the willingness of everyone involved to care for each other.
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So, what’s your bias?
Social conversations about race and bias are much needed. I recognize my bias and I’m trying to manage it. But bias can even be toward people we love. One guy, who feared before his marriage that his wife would not commit to him, later said, My wife reads her favorite books on marriage and family but she won’t read mine. Is this her putting her kids before me? Hey, I think your confirmation bias won’t let you see what she is doing. Doubt is blinding you. What about you? Can you see your bias?
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Hey, have you heard this one: Two lips walk into a fight
Actually, it’s no joke. In the Bible Proverbs 18:6 says, A fool’s lips walk into a fight. Yes, what you say can start an argument. That’s true in many situations. But here’s a mistake parents and stepparents make with teens: when you’re irritated with them and immediately launch into a lecture assuming you know what’s motivating them. How much better to pause and ask a question about what’s going on behind the scenes. Listen first. Then if appropriate, you can always come back to the lecture.
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Do you know what it’s like to be adopted?
Some do but most don’t have any idea. Or maybe, we do. Romans 8 reminds us that sin made us outsiders with God but through Christ God has adopted us as His children. What would happen if we opened our hearts to an outsider and invited them in? A lonely kid on the playground would have a friend. A new family member would be treated as if they belong. Someone of a different color would be welcome in your living room. And a newcomer to church would receive five invitations to lunch. Let’s adopt.
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What right do you Christians have to tell us about marriage you can’t even get it right yourself?
Have you ever heard the argument that the divorce rate for Christian marriages is the same as for non-Christians? Well, that’s just not true. Actually, for those who practice their faith on a daily basis and regularly attend church, their divorce rate is just 15-20 percent. Far lower than the general population. Those who live the gospel within their marriage and family are happier and healthier than those who don’t. Your marriage can be a living testimony to the love of God. Let’s share it.
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Sometimes life forces you to adapt and adjust.
Setting aside their hurt, Meredith and her former husband found a balance in the co-parenting of their children. Then he got married. His wife, the new stepmom, had opinions that changed the routines. Shouldn’t the decisions be made by the biological parents? Meredith asked. Why does the stepmom get a say? First, that’s between them; they decide how to run their home. Second, good co-parenting over time requires change. You may not like it, but for your kids’ sake, adapt and adjust.
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Don’t you hate it when someone uses your words to excuse their behavior?
Some cohabiting blended family couples in a ministry leader's small group used my words as justification for living together. Ron says dating single parents should invest time on the front end to help their kids adjust to the blended family. These couples would say, living together is a good way to do that. No, it’s not. Cohabitation undoes more than it builds up, but even if it didn’t, it wouldn’t justify the sin of premarital sex. The ends don’t justify the means. Trust God and model purity.
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Experiencing the love of Christ changes us.
What’s also cool is watching people experience His love and grace and then seeing them extend it to others. I’ve seen that played out in blended families over and over: A child abandoned by their parent begins to bloom under the loving care of a stepparent. A mother speaks well of her children’s stepmother and insists they respect her. What is happening is gratitude to God for His hand of mercy is pouring itself out in the form of love and grace toward others. This is how we change the world!
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When the cat’s away, the mice willtry to play the other parent, that’s what!
In a lot of families one parent has to travel. It could be a business trip, visiting family, or a military deployment. And at times, one kid tries to play the parent left in charge. So, what do you do? Make sure you’re on the same page about rules and communicate your expectation that the kids cooperate with the remaining parent. This is really important in stepfamilies if the biological parent is the one leaving the home. Then, parent in charge, stand your ground, and follow through.
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Today a word of caution about ambition.
Wait, you thought ambition was good, right? What could be so bad about striving to achieve your goals? You see, that’s just it. Relying on yourself is a subtle act of being independent of God; becoming your own god and that’s pride. That’s why David in Psalm 131 cautions us about ambition. I have calmed and quieted my ambition, he says. The better option? David encourages us to trust God and be content with what he provides. Are you trusting God or taking measures into your own hands?
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Hey, honey, let’s keep our marriage a big secret.
Ladies, say your boyfriend wants to marry you but doesn’t want his elementary-aged kids to know you're married and he wants to live in separate homes to keep the secret. What? That’s not going to work! Marriage is anything but a big secret. If there’s anything I want my kids to know about marriage it’s that the rewards of marriage are costly. So, whatever you do, even if you love someone don’t attach yourself to them if they are unwilling to pay the cost or you will never reap the rewards.
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Talking about problems, is sometimes problematic.
I saw online advice that assumed if you talk more it will lead to unity. Well, talking is the first step but if that doesn’t lead to agreement, talking more will only lead to more disagreement. With parenting you’ve got to come together around a practical plan that you can implement. If you can’t find agreement together involve a third party (the Bible, a person, a conference or a resource) that points you to what good parenting looks like. So, your talking moves you towards unity.
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Meddling mother-in-law? What if you have a meddling ex-wife-in-law?
While dating, Nicole never anticipated how intrusive Tom's ex-wife would be. At first, Sharon seemed focused on being a mother so Nicole assumed once she and Tom married, Sharon would stop her late-night texts and unannounced visits. She was wrong. Nicole had an unrealistic expectation and she minimized Sharon’s behavior. Here’s the point: to marry a divorced person is to gain a mother-in-law and a father-in-law and an ex-spouse in law. Be sure you understand that when you say, I do.
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Sometimes, you just gotta’ scream!
If you’re co-parenting a child with someone who lives in a different home it's critical that you speak respectfully about that parent in front of your kids. Open anger, bitterness, and critical remarks just put the kids in the middle. What do you do, though, with all the frustrating feelings you’ve got cooped up inside? Well, vent in private. Find a trusted friend, support group, or a counselor to process it with you. Here’s the bottom line: Find a good outlet, but never in front of the kids.
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When no one is talking about the elephant in the room, what you should do istalk about the elephant in the room.
We don’t talk about the obvious thing that everyone knows about, but no one will address out loud. We think we’re keeping peace, but really we’re just staying stuck. Like when a child’s parent in the other home has an addiction or a behavior issue and you avoid the subject. Hey, speak with respect and compassion for the person, but talk about the issue. Help your kids understand what’s going on and give them a godly perspective about what they can do. Awkward? Oh, yeah. But very necessary.
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Another person’s sin never justifies our own.
A woman said, My ex-husband had an affair, divorced me, and married the woman. So, I’ve asked my children not to have a relationship with him, but they still doand he is the lying cheater! First let me say, I’m sorry. Your anger is understandable but it does not excuse manipulation. Nothing justifies your ex-husband’s sin but neither should you sin. Jesus said, Love your enemies. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who abuse you. And as you wish others would do to you, do so to them.
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Now, I expect you to be courteous.
Have you ever given that speech when you left your kids with a babysitter and you wanted them to mind their manners? When kids enter an adoptive family, a foster family, or a blended family their expectations of who’s in charge may be different than the adult’s. It’s really important to settle that question. In a stepfamily, the biological parent can set the tone. I expect you to be courteous and respect your stepparent just like you would any authority figure. Yeah, that ought to do it.
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When our kids take their frustration out on a scapegoat, what do we do?
Maybe you’ve already heard me talk about Cassandra, a teenager who was taking her frustration with her mom out on her stepmom. Well her dad may or may not know why she’s doing this; but either way he should invite his daughter, in a soft and compassionate tone, to talk with him about what’s going on. With this approach, odds are, her heart will soften and repent and they can figure this thing out together.
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Managing our anger starts with not having a scapegoat.
Every time Cassandra’s mom failed to follow through on a commitment, she took it out on her stepmom or stepsiblings. Because her relationship with her mom was fragile she’d do anything but tell her how she felt. How do things get better? Being responsible for our hurt and anger starts with knowing our fears and not giving in to them. In this case, Cassandra needs to tell her mom how much she misses her and then pray she responds. If she doesn’t, hopefully she will let her stepmom help her cry.
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We’ve all done it. We’ve all taken our anger out on someone who didn’t deserve it. But why?
Frustration is not a patient emotion so it tends to erupt. Sometimes it's safer to be frustrated at people who are less valuable to us. But then again, maybe it’s safer to be frustrated with someone who can handle your anger and it won’t go anywhere. The point is this: don’t scapegoat someone else. Don’t take things out on a spouse just because they are standing there or a stepparent just because they are an easy target. Be responsible and talk directly to the person you are frustrated with.
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Okay, you’ve already celebrated Mother’s Day and now I’m wondering what do you have planned for Father’s Day?
I will admit that today’s feature is a little self-serving. I, too, am a dad. It’s interesting, one poll showed that most people feel that moms get more attention on Mother’s Day than dads do on Father’s Day. I wonder why that is. I also wonder if stepdads get as much attention as biological dads? Either way, the good news is we men are not that complicated. What would really mean a lot to us on Father’s Day are a few simple words: I appreciate you for. Those four words would make our day.
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If you’re not careful, you can miss the gift in front of you.
Brandon’s first marriage was wonderful but ended tragically when his wife died. Victoria, his second wife, felt pressure to restore what was lost for him. So, she joined him in spending all his free time with his kids and grandkids. But in the process she became invisible and lonely. Sometimes we try to create or recreate the perfect home and miss what’s in front of us. Adjust your vision and expectations. See the gift God has given you and don’t try to turn them into something else.
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When the door won’t open, what do you do?
Initially, stepparents are often treated like an outsider. Eventually most get invited in but not always. Even after a decade one stepparent asked, How do I continue giving myself to an adult stepchild whose only goal is to treat me like an unwanted guest? It requires a delicate balance of self-care. Pull back occasionally to refuel and remain available should their heart open. Both are challenging and the process exhausting. So, praya merciful heart, and for God to change what you can’t.
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Having a baby will solidify our blended family, right?
Sometimes couples think a concrete child will help solidify the wet cement of their stepfamily. Not a good idea. Common sense would say have the baby after you’ve had time to merge your family. You don’t have a baby so someone will marry you and you don’t give a wedding ring so someone will fall in love with you. You fall in love, you commit to a future together and then you give a ring. Let having a baby be about having a baby, not a tool for a family merger.
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A good father serves and leads his family, and executes authority in the home. Stepdads can do this, too, but in the beginning it may look a little different.
Smart stepdads cast a godly vision for their home, but they recognize initially, they may need to lead through their wife. She has authority with her kids and she is their source of security not him. He gets this, so he provides in direct leadership. Together, with his wife, they set behavioral expectations and standards for the family, but until her kids respect him she’s going to follow through on consequences. A stepdad who humbly serves his family like this is a smart stepdad indeed.
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Do you know what intestacy is?
It’s when a court has to decide after you die who is entitled to your assets. There’s a body of laws that take over when you don’t have a will and only 45% of Americans have a will. Do you want family members fighting over your stuff? Without a will you might be setting them up for just that sort of heartache. And for stepfamilies, why let the court give your spouse or their children things you wanted to give to your children? Instead, why not bless your family with your will?
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The advice we often give is pretty simplistic.
To a betrayed person sometimes people say just forgive and move on. But recovery is a marathon. In addition to forgiveness there is confronting the betrayer, confession by the betrayer, processing what’s happened. Establishing a new track record of honesty and faithfulness. Small increases in trust and risk taking. More faithfulness. Repeat, repeat, repeat. On average, it takes over 35,000 steps to run a marathon. Reconciling a relationship is a marathon. It can be done and it is well worth it.
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Ron, how do we tell our child some bad news?
Eventually, you’ll have to tell your child something hard to hear. Tell them what’s happening and how you feel about it. Then ask them how they feel. Son, I’m sorry, but your best friend’s parents are getting a divorce and you might not see David as much. I know this is hard. I’m sad for them and for you. Now, how are you feeling about this? When we lead with our emotions it helps our kids uncover their emotions. And checking in repeatedly over time helps you lead them through the valley.
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When I got married over 30 years ago I was really dumb!
I don’t mean dumb as in stupid; I mean dumb as in ignorant, nave of all I would have to learn and the skills I’d need to develop, to be a good husband. I had no idea our usness would have a rhythm, a pace, a purpose, and a dance that would also require sacrifices I never knew I would have to give. Not knowing what we’d have to become may have been a gift from God. If we did know, we might not have signed on. But we didn’t and we still don’t. We only have to trust God and be teachable.
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There’s a shame virus infecting parents and it’s time we address it.
Parents love their kids but they don’t always have the same affection for each child. Shamefully, parents whisper these words to me thinking they are alone but I hear it regularly. From biological parents who don’t relate well to one of their children or don’t like who their adult child is becoming. From adoptive and stepparents who are still bonding with a child. Feeling differently about kids is normal. Treat them fairly, with kindness, and work at being empathetic. Ask God to grow your love.
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When it comes to social justice, facing adversity with self-control has the biggest impact.
People like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Nelson Mandela insisted on peaceful protests that invited the world to listen. They understood what Proverbs 16 teaches: being slow to anger is better than being mighty and that self-control is powerful. Strength under control carries influence. Are you patient with those who frustrate or mistreat you? Assertively speaking up for what God declares good without using anger as a weapon of choice? If not, make your home a better place by controlling yourself.
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No, you don’t judge a book by its cover. Or a family for that matter.
A teacher asked a student about her family. The girl mentioned she had a stepmom, but, then was quick to clarify they didn’t say stepmom or stepchild in their family. It’s interesting. Family rules about what we call each other can create a lot of pressure especially on kids. But terms don’t necessarily represent the heart. What you say to others about your family is not necessarily indicative of how you feel. So give kids in complex families the freedom to use terms that make sense to them.
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Try being gentle in your assertiveness.
Christians somehow think being assertive is a bad idea but I think the problem is more about how you deliver your assertiveness. Most people use a rude or angry tone. Try being gentle. With a former spouse you might calmly say, Please stop sharing your opinions about my family with our child. You’re putting him in the middle and I know you don’t want to hurt him. Thanks. It’s okay to be assertiveeven Jesus was assertive. Just take out the rude and put in the gentle. In love, speak the truth.
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Favoring a child, will divide a family.
Her father named her Joy because she was his pride and joy. But in this case being her father’s favorite didn’t lead to joy. Both of Joy’s parents had children from their first marriages. When she came along, she was daddy’s favorite, and he let everyone know it. Joy’s siblings resented her and it divided the family. It’s okay to have special connection points with your kids, but favoring one above the others is unjust and problematic for any family. Guard against favoritism. Love them all.
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This life is not all there is.
In Luke 8, Jairus begs Jesus to heal his 12-year-old daughter. I begged Jesus to heal my 12-year-old son. Jairus daughter died. My son died. Jesus then goes to Jairus’ house, says that she is sleeping and raises her from the dead. I would love for that to happen for my son. Someday it will. When we lose someone, sometimes, we fall asleep on eternitywe forget this life is not all there is. Yes, we miss them. But wake-up and trust your family to the One who has the power to raise the dead.
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And now, three ways to undermine a stepparent.
A biological parent wants their spousethe stepparentto be successful. But a parent inadvertently undermines the stepparent when they repeatedly defend their child, try to control how close they become, or mediate problems between their spouse and the children. The parent wants to reduce conflict and increase closeness; but it can have the opposite effect. As much as you can, let the stepparent and your children work out their relationship. The bridge they build together is much more stable.
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Have you ever run down the road only to discover, it’s a dead end?
The book of Proverbs in the Bible repeats twiceword for wordthis observation. There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. There are many dead-end roads. Many blended families begin because someone did what seemed right to them and it destroyed a family. And later on, they picked up the pieces and started another one but what do you do now? Stop running down your own dead-end road. Rest in God’s forgiveness and start walking his path.
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Travel to a foreign land and you’ll realize what you consider normal.
Crossing cultures helps you recognize that you take language, society, and relationships for granted. And other people, who have a different normal, have a hard time understanding you. The same thing applies in different types of families. If you live in a blended family find others who also live in a stepfamily. Talk about life with those in a first family and you might end up feeling abnormal. Find others who also live in Stepfamily-land and you might discover your family is pretty normal.
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Hey parents, you can’t have it both ways.
Have you ever received a double message? Like when a friend tells you it’s okay that you didn’t call them, but then is mad that you didn’t call them. One trap in stepfamily parenting is when the biological parent clearly wants the stepparent to be a part of the parenting process, but then undercuts their authority and decisions. This is confusing and defeating to the stepparent. Either they are part of the team or they are not a part of your life. I suggest you make them part of the team.
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Yellow and red is orange.
Benito and Paulina had a beautiful sunset marriage. He was yellow, she was red, and together they made orange. Then tragically Paulina died. Later Benito married Victoria and he assumed this marriage would be like the first one. But his yellow and Victoria’s blue made green. Not orange. Every marriage has its own unique color and your job is to respect it, not try to paint over it. This means Benito can’t restore what was lost but he can accept another beautiful family portrait.
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If nothing else, act like you know what you’re doing.
A high school baseball umpire unexpectantly found himself umping a college game and he wasn’t prepared. The chief umpire told him, I don’t care if you make the right call or not, just be in the right position, and make the call with authority. That’s pretty good advice for parents and stepparents. Be in the right position: Be engaged in your child's life. And make the call with authority: We don’t always know best but when we lead with certainty, we manage the game and keep the players safe.
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Ron, what kind of issues come with growing up in a stepfamily?
A woman I was talking to clearly was wrestling with her childhood. Her parents divorced when she was young. Her mother was devastated; her father quickly married and threw himself into his new family. This woman became her mom’s caretaker and hated her stepmom. No one was safe for her. Parents in complex families do a better job when they step inside their children’s shoes, consider how they feel, and remain a stable presence. The transitions for them are hard. They need you to understand.
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Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:23)
Have you ever noticed that when we act in accordance to the Spirit of God, no one complains? Who has a problem with people who are kind, loving, and self-controlled? The Bible says no one makes a law against that. Proverbs 16 tells us when we live in ways that please the LORD, even our enemies come to be at peace with us. For some relationships peace is a long rode but there is no better way to order our lives. Here’s how it starts: Let the next thing you do reflect the heart of Christ.
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Mom, you always let me go before. You’re just saying, ’No’ now because he wants you to.
Kids are really good about buying us tickets for a guilt trip. I mean, guilt is one of the child’s best tools to get what they want, right? It can be especially effective in stepfamilies. You’ve brought a stepparent into their lives and now the rules are changing. If you as the parent feel a little guilty about it the child can capitalize on your guilt. So, what do you do? Well, first strive for unity as a parenting team at all costs and then admit that things have changed but don’t give in.
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Here’s a blended family ministry tip everyone can do.
At a Summit on Stepfamily Ministry, Family Pastor and stepdad Dave Bondeson encouraged people to listen to the stories of blended families. In this day and age, being known and accepted for who you arenot who your sanitized Instagram image says you areis a rare thing and really appreciated. Listening, even leaning in to the tensions that may exist, helps families feel they are not alone. They’re not isolated, having to figure it all out for themselves. Having that friend, is a grace of God.
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Do you ever get confused about who Jesus was? Yeah, me, too.
We’re in good company. John the Baptist called people back to God, but in Luke 7 he got a little confused, too. Are you the One? he asked. Jesus wasn't offended by his question. He even compliments the part of John that was faithful. But then he declares, yes, I am the MessiahSaviorand the miracles prove it. You and I may not understand everything Jesus taught or why his life unfolded the way it did, but lean into this: He is the King; He is worthy of your trust and to be Lord of your life.
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Got a strained family relationship? Maybe it’s time you wrote them a tribute.
But we don’t have a good relationship. Why would I write them a tribute? Sometimes you have to write one to find appreciation. My friend wrote a tribute to her stepmom. They didn’t have the best relationship but giving thoughtful consideration to all her stepmom had done for her opened the door first to healing and forgiveness in her own heart; and secondly the things she shared led to new conversations and ultimately to a better relationship. Maybe choosing gratitude will do the same for you.
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Stepfamilies have a few financial landmines: don’t step on them.
According to Patricia Estess, the first landmine is relying too heavily on a former spouse for child support. Being dependent makes you vulnerable. The second is skimping on the new family and spending on the old. Throwing money at your kids won’t erase guilt or make up for lost time. Honor all your commitments equally. And third, don't have two different financial standards. Share your resources and treat everyone the same. When it comes to monetary landmines in stepfamilies, step around them.
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Today let me share reason number 642 why stepparents need a hug.
One stepmom was pleasantly surprised when her two oldest stepdaughters gave her a card on Mother’s Day. It read, Everyone needs a back-up mom. You’re mine! What a huge compliment. She was beaming from ear to ear. So, why does she need a hug? Because this stepmom’s other two stepchildren didn’t acknowledge her at all on Mother’s Day. Not a word. So which is it? Is she accepted or rejected? A part of the family or pushed aside? Ambiguity is a stepparent’s middle name. That’s why they need a hug.
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When you live like Jesus, you make a difference in someone’s life.
Being Christ-like in our daily lives leaves an indelible mark especially when our actions stand in direct contrast to others. Growing up, Mandy had a Mom and stepmom. Her mom always spoke critically of her dad. She immediately noticed a difference when her stepmom came into her life. She spoke to her dad with respect and warmth and her devotion to him made an intense impression. Today, Mandy is a loving wife because of her obedient stepmom. Does our behavior impact others? You bet it does.
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A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Have you ever noticed what we don’t know about the Proverbs 31 woman? We don’t know her age, her race, her specific ethnicity (though likely middle-eastern), or what her political leanings are. We do know she works hard, cares for the underprivileged and her family, is wise, strong, dignified, and moral. She could be the first wife or second, the mom or the stepmom. Her external performance doesn’t matter, her character does. Got a wife or mom or daughter like this? Rise up and call her blessed.
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You’ve been more of a mom to me than my real mom, so can I call you mom?
Man, you want to talk about music to a stepmom’s ears. That’s it. Can I call you mom? Now here’s the back story. The early years were difficult and hurtful but this stepmom was determined. She just kept living and loving. And now, 15 years later, at the age of 28 her stepdaughter asked, Can I call you mom? Are you still in difficult and hurtful today? Hang on. Keep going. Love isn’t done yet.
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Okay, ladies. It’s time to stop shooting yourself in the foot.
Cohabitation promises a lot, but delivers very little. Research confirms that cohabiting women are just as committed as married women. And, cohabiting men are not and they remain less committed. In other words, a cohabiting woman assumes she is in a stable, long-term relationship when really she isn’t. Choosing thatit’s like shooting herself in the foot. Our culture calls cohabitation a safeguard for women. It’s not. Cohabitation creates vulnerability. Don’t listen to the lie. Listen to God.
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Can you imagine? Telling a parent to abandon their child?
No, you probably can’t. But that’s exactly what this stepmom said to her own husband about his son. I guess she was anxious her son would be short changed in the family will. Her exact words were, Get rid of him. How awful. That’s exactly what Sarah said to Abraham about his son, Ishmael. And it greatly distressed Abraham. Okay, let’s learn from this. Jealousy and insecurity divide, devour, and destroy family relationships. Pray to get rid of jealousy and ask God for an open, gracious heart.
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An axe can split a block of wood and a whisper can divide a relationship.
What? An axe uses force to splinter; a whisper doesn’t have any force. Oh, yes it does. Proverbs 16 tells us that a gossip causes close friends to distrust each other just by whispering to one about the other. Gossip has the power to bully a girl at school or break up business partners and in blended families, insiders who gossip about the outsiders can easily keep a family divided forever. Listen, don’t talk about people. Talk to them. Bring together, don’t split apart.
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How do you befriend a squirrel?
Today I’m talking to those of you who want to fix a relationship but the other person doesn’t. It’s like trying to befriend a squirrel, isn’t it? You can’t chase it or it just runs away. You can’t yell at it, complain, or nag. No, you have to sit in the park with something attractive and wait. And wait. You can’t make the squirrel want to be near you. But you can be trustworthy and Christlike. That invites reconciliation. The rest is up to the squirrel. As you wait may God give you strength.
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I think the best solution is divorce.
This wife and mother was frustrated. Her husband never followed through on discipline and he treated her poorly so divorce in her mind was the best solution. I agree, things need to change, but would your absence make him a better father or stop his negativity? The way to increase your influence in his life is to stay near him; leaving decreases your influence and you have less parental power to help your kids. A healthy marriage is the best solution to your problem. Get help and don’t give up.
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In your relationship conflict, who is the bad guy?
Most of us when we tell a story about an argument we had, we talk about what the other person said and did, as if we contributed nothing to the exchange. Convenient, huh. Blame them and absolve ourselves of any responsibility. Now here’s a thought. Ask yourself, What’s my part? How did I contribute to them acting the way they did? And what should I do differently next time? Sure you need to share the blame, but more importantly, you need to know what you can do to make things better.
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Ron, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
We love listener feedback but sometimes we get asked about an impossible situation. Like the dad, who because of an uncooperative ex-wife, was forced to ask the courts for help. This toll of this put his daughter in a mental health unit. Two years later he still can’t see his daughter. He’s stuck and no matter what he does his daughter loses. Hopefully a local therapist or pastor can help him sort this out, but families like this need prayer. Impossible situations need the God of the impossible.
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You’ve heard me say it before, As parents united you stand, but divided they fall.
Parents who are united in their parenting approach provide more stability and consistency in their home. But, practically, how do you get on the same page if you have different parenting styles? Well, go to a class. Read a book. What has influenced you as a parent? What are your thoughts about discipline, punishment, and encouragement? Write it down so you can be clear. Then share that with your spouse and merge your ideas from there. It’ll take some work, but your kids are worth it.
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Good parents, respect each other.
There are parenting skills my wife is good at and I’m not. I respect her for it and she respects me for my strengths. That mutual respect helps us be a better team. Did you know heathy divorced or divided parents living in separate homes can do the same thing? There are barriers to overcome but really good co-parents find a way to respect and help each other succeed. Striving for a cooperative spirit with the other home may not be convenient for you but you know who it is good for? Your kids.
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Hey Ron, it just occurred to me: I live in a stepfamily, too.
The latest came from a woman who was born to her married parents, but each of her parents had been married before and brought kids to the marriage. So she lived in a stepfamily. The cool thing is she was in her 40s and once she connected the dots, what we had talked about helped her make sense of her childhood and her extended family today. Blended families are very common. Forty percent of married couples with kids are stepfamilies and one third of Americans are connected to a blended family.
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You know what DTR is, right? Define the relationship. Well, it’s not just a concept for dating couples.
When a relationship is just beginning defining it can help both sides understand and clarify expectations. Stepparents tell your stepkids you are not trying to replace their biological parent and you respect the special place that parent has in their life. This helps kids relax. Suggest that if they ever feel caught between you and their biological parent, they can tell you and you won’t take it personally. Bottom line: you know where you fit and they can love their biological parent freely.
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Believe it or not, sometimes it’s best not to love best.
Millions have read The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman where he teaches how to best love others by knowing their primary love language. Here’s some wisdom for blended families: if you’re a stepparent and you know your child’s primary love language, it doesn’t mean you should speak it. It’s best to begin with Acts of Service, then Gifts, Words of Affirmation, and then Quality Time and Physical Touch. Progress from the least intrusive language to the most intimate. Watch love come alive.
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Sometimes in parenting, one parent is a lot more serious about godliness than the other.
When parents agree to live by and teach God’s statues for godliness, children see a consistent message. But sometimes parents don’t see eye to eye and kids get confused. This can happen with a married couple or to parents living in separate homes. Either way, the task for the parent with the higher standard is to be intentional about what you teach and model because both the child and the other parent are watching. Trust God to convict their hearts while you let your light shine brightly.
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Having a healthy self-esteem is a really good thing. But there’s something much better.
Self-esteem is essentially about accepting yourself and having confidence in your worth and abilities. But God-esteem tells me that I have worth and value beyond compare because of what Christ has done and is doing in me. Now, what if I responded to you as if that was true about me? Well, your critical words wouldn’t hurt quite as bad, my own imperfection wouldn’t cause me so much shame, and your approval wouldn’t be my idol. And in spite of all your failures and mine I could still love.
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Research confirms; spending time together is a quality of strong families.
There is a lot of stuff competing for our time. Stepfamilies have even more challenges: children who move between homes, numerous grandparents who want time with the grandkids, parents who move far away, and uninvolved parents. To be a strong family you’ve got to find ways around these barriers. Don’t let smart phones interrupt family dinnertime, but use that same technology to stay in touch during the week. Don’t lose track of time or you might lose track of each other.
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Do you know why kids have middle names? So, they’ll know when to behave.
Words are empty without action. Proverbs 29:19 nails it: By mere words a servant is not disciplined, for though he understands, he will not respond. Kids understand what you want but as long as you argue with them, they don’t have to do it. Stop talking and do something. One of my kids slammed his door in my face. Without a word, I took it off the hinges for three days. No, we can’t control our kids, but we are in charge of their environment. Do something.
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How do you form a loving relationship with someone who isn’t motivated to love you?
That’s one of the most challenging aspects of bonding in the early years of a blended family. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes everyone in a stepfamily is equally motivated but not always. Kids vary anywhere from high motivation to who are you and why are you in my way? If you’re the highly motivated person you can quickly get discouraged. Draw inspiration from Godwho loves everyone despite many of us being distracted and unmotivated to love him. There are no guarantees. Just keep loving.
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Hey, don’t text and drive. And don’t text and parent.
Kids have a new rivalry in their lives: their parents’ devices. I know kids are glued to their screens, too, but how will they learn moderation if we don’t model it for them? Back in 2009, a study found that for every hour a TV is on in the home parents speak 500 to 1000 less words per day to their child. Imagine what it is today. So to avoid distraction, set your phone down. Be intentional about being available. We tell them not to text and drive. Don’t text and parent.
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Ok, imagine sitting next to a campfire, and scooping up a few burning logs and placing them in your lap. Yeah, that’s going to leave a mark.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that is going to hurt. Well, that’s exactly the word picture Solomon gave his son in the Bible in Proverbs 6 about committing adultery. It’s like scooping fire into your lap. God really is looking out for us when he says to honor the marriage bed. Fidelity in marriage really matters because it fosters and sustains trust in a relationship and it communicates to your spouse their importance to youtwo very important aspects of sustaining a strong marriage.
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Want a great tip for deepening a friendship? It starts with you sharing you.
When someone is transparent, we respect them a little more deeply. We admire their courage and feel like it’s safe to be around them. Stepfamily members can do the same thing. I’ve watched adult stepchildren share something personal with a parent’s new spouse, and somehow, it opens the door to friendship. I’ve seen stepparents endear their stepkids to them by sharing a story about a hard life-lesson that they learned. It takes courage to jump out there but that's where great relationships begin.
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Godly people try to make friends out of enemies.
Maybe you saw the viral video of the mom who took a birthday gift to her daughter’s dadand stepmom. Of course, everybody wanted to know why because moms and stepmoms are supposed to be enemies, right? Just because it is often like that doesn’t mean it should be. See, this mom had been going through a tough time and her ex and the stepmom had been supportive. To say thank you she took them a gift. The whole world and her daughter got to watch and be inspired. Now that’s how you co-parent.
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Have you ever thought, Maybe I’m being too negative?
I regularly talk on the radio about the blessings and challenges of blended family living. Why? Because no one else is and there’s a huge population of people living in stepfamilies. Because there are predictable challenges the first decade, I want to help prepare you. But my fear is that talking about the challenges makes you think there are few rewards. That’s just not true. When you’re climbing the mountain you can’t always see the vista. Trust me, it’s there. Just keep climbing.
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When it comes to time with your kids, backing out is backing down.
Some segments of society view men as peripheral to the family. Both sides buy the liesome moms would prefer he step back and he is willing to back out. A divorced man said to me once, If my kids don’t want to come over I don’t make them. I said, Why? Why would you do that? Do you let them decide not to eat their vegetables or do their homework? I sure hope not. Kids don’t always know what they need. That’s why God gave them parents. Don’t back out. Keep your time. Your love matters.
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Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to forgive a family member than somebody else?
Sometimes stepparents and stepchildren can find it more difficult to forgive each other than other family members. One teenager said it this way, If my dad hurts my feelings, it’s a lot easier to let it go than if my stepmom does. Easieryes. Any less importantno. In the Bible, Colossians 3 urges us to forgive our grievances with each other, just as the Lord has forgiven us. As best I can tell, this includes stepfamily members, too.
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Have you ever noticed that in order to stay alive, you have to keep feeding yourself?
You can hardly forget because if you’re not eating your stomach will remind you, right? Relationships need to be fed, too. If you want your relationships to grow, then shower people with genuine compliments and don’t stop. Words of appreciation and affirmation can build a stepfamily relationship, foster closeness in a marriage, and encourage cooperation between co-parents. Criticism can undo all of it and build walls of resentment. Don’t just keep your family alive! Feed it appreciation food.
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When jumping into a river, try avoiding the rapids!
Parenting has many seasons to it. If you’ve got a kid over 20, you know what I mean. Stepparents and foster parents jump into that river mid-streamwhile learning to swim at the same time. Reactions like, my kid never acted like this. Or, I’ve never had a teenager beforeis this normal? are common. Hey, it’s easy to get lost in the rapids so help each other out. The biological parent can fill in a few gaps while the stepparent plays catch-up. Slow down. Get in sync. And hang on for the ride.
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When it comes to kids, who you respect is who they respect.
Daniel’s stepdad was important to him. His stepdad was his dad. He loved, honored, and valued him and yet his respect was limited. You see, Daniel’s mother never allowed his stepdad to discipline him and she made it very clear that if push came to shove she would choose Daniel and walk away. As a result, his stepdad had limited authority and Daniel knew it. Here’s the take-away: Who we respectin all aspects of lifeis who our children respect. In parenting, make sure you lift one another up.
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Don’t fracture a child’s heart. Put it together and let love flow freely.
Sometimes co-parents are tempted to dampen a child’s relationship with the other parent. Listen, it is every parent’s responsibility to encourage their child to keep in contact. Not just visit, but have a strong relationship. Alienators will take advantage and say, They don’t want to go to their mom’s house, so I don’t make them. No. That’s not right. We don’t let a child’s hesitation keep them from things. So, unless there is abuse, encourage the relationship and celebrate the other parent.
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What do you see, when you look at yourself, through heaven’s eyes?
The words of Titus 3 tell us that God saved us by His mercy, so that by His grace we might become His heirs. Did you hear that? Despite our sinfulness we have been reborn and made new in Jesus Christ. We are now heirs of the King. You have a new identity. An heir of God, a person of surpassing value with a worth that doesn’t have to be earned and can’t be taken away. Now, share that worth with the person next to you in the form of love, so they, too, can see their worth through heaven’s eyes.
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You know what I love? I love it when our family’s in the car and my wife makes a declaration, Hey, it’s happy hour. It’s time for a Sonic run!
Rituals are simple behaviors we repeat on a fairly regular basis. When families share a ritual it creates a connection point that over time builds memories, creates a sense of togetherness, and bonds you together as family. You can see why this is important for blended families. Be intentional to create and maintain rituals that connect. Share a favorite food, tell a joke every day before school, or play a family game after dinner. Hey, you’re in the car right now why not grab a cherry limeade?
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Have you ever gotten confused about which terms to use when referring to someone else’s family members?
Sharon was confused. When I talk with my friend about her kids I want to call them her children,’ but technically they are her stepchildren. They call her stepmom’ which makes me think they want to be called her stepchildren.’ I’m just not sure what to say. A good rule of thumb is to use the terms you hear them using. Also, you can ask, What do you want me to call your kids? It shows that you want to support the family just as they are. And that, will be greatly appreciated.
To support this ministry financially, visit: https://www.oneplace.com/donate/1186/29